The Joe Rogan Experience #3 - Ari Shaffir

bam is that it can you people hear us

are we up and cracking we had

sound for a second there oh we did have sound

it just didn’t show it in the window

hmm okay we have sound now

just come on you jump over to the chat

bitches jump over to the chat they’ll tell you

right up immediately i don’t want

to look at the chat these faggots

they’re all living in there

it’s chad’s gay

i heard you for two

seconds just now yes okay it’s working

excellent so i should

close out of this right otherwise it won’t work yep

i’ll tell the twitter people last time

this is weak though this

thing because it already adds hey joe rogan

see hi everybody welcome to the joe rogan podcast

so yeah where’s that time

to figure out technical difficulties

ryan shoved that tomahawk pipe up his ass and we’re

gonna get it out so we got our tomahawk pipe

that we’re gonna order last week

you said a peace pipe what is a peace pipe

it’s a fucking battle of peace or war your choice bitch

that’s how the indians roll your firepower

i don’t think it’s probably the best pipe

it looks like a piece of shit it’s already clogged

it comes clogged now

it looks cool though but we got a real one right here

so why fuck around bitches

and since all three of us are legal

this we’re legally medicating here

see what you’re looking at is three sick people

are you get headaches is that what you get

i get headaches and i have sleeplessness

sleeplessness and headaches

from mr sophia no i don’t i said

sleeplessness and i said i had surgery there before

that’s all true yeah

i get really bad anxiety but

the rest of the sentence is when i smoke weed

but they still get

all right well up and crack it people

you keep your pot in a bag like the old days

that was a given to me oh really

i was like there’s no other reason

so i should kill his gay music yeah yeah

it’s not really gay it’s just not really good

straight a bi and four homosexuals what

doesn’t fit with the vibe

of what we’re trying to flow here

you guys are liars and it’s completely cool

what do we lie about fella

about our prescriptions

oh it helps me sleep one gives me anxiety

and it did it is legal

right if you had to guess

either everyone’s

watching you

or no one’s watching you what would you say

everybody yeah

right now i feels like everybody’s watching me

cause you cause you’re paranoid yeah

he gets paranoid when he

smokes the weed

but that’s what i told the doctor and he

still gave it to me

is everybody in here here we go everybody’s in here

oh yeah i pause that

this one yeah this one’s fucking us up

i got some weak ass

wack ass dsl internet but

i got new internet installed

i just have to install a new router

then from there we’ll be able to upload videos

we’ll be able to i’m gonna

change this background

and i’ll bring a

couch in here and

and get rid of this

desk and put a new desk in and so i only have one desk

i got this big ass long desk so this room’s all

clocked up so i’m

gonna put a

couch in here

have a little

table right there

so we have the

microphone set up there so we can lounge

and do this

properly ladies and gentlemen

check this shit out i just got in

this is awful imagine having to deal

with this my mom has a windows xp computer that’s like

seven years old

and she only has 56 k internet available at her

house really

trying to help her fix a computer from a virus and

and she can only

connect at fifty six k oh my god

i read a lot of shit that won’t even run yeah

old people in

viruses when you just

shoot that computer

there’s no way you’re gonna fix

it but can you imagine only getting

fifty six k no i can’t

i did for a long time

shit i started out with fourteen four

i started out with aol on an old ass mac one of

those tan ones the beige ones

and it had a 14 4 bald internet

connection god

remember how brutal

that shit was

remember when 36 came out like i’m a


everybody got 56 k

and i was like

man i can’t believe it that’s like five times as fast

i remember paying like

120 dollars for

a 56k modem back in the day and that was like so much

money and i was just like oh

someone finally that house

started was

even worse you got online you

gotta tell people

yeah i’m online

who wants to use it i’m done

yeah before i get off yeah you couldn’t use the goddamn

phone no that’s craziness man

well now that’s

that at amp t uverse

thing if the

phone if the internet goes down

everything’s down and

if the computer if the

the tv’s down

then your phone’s down fires

and everything’s down

you masturbate

how would you masturbate

you gotta go by memory

those are your

three things

how was last time you masturbated by memory

sure i do all the time

wow look at you sexy bitch you

think caveman had

to draw what they wanted to masturbate to first like

i think cavemen

just raped and fucked i don’t

think they bothered masturbation

masturbation is a by product of

civilization if we weren’t

civilized we’d be raping like a

motherfucker there

would be no

there’d be no masturbate

you just find someone there

would be no

gay yeah there’d be no gay you’d

just rape your brother and she’d be raping everybody

yeah there would be no

masturbation if there was cavemen

right yeah i don’t know

i think rape takes a lot more work same as now that we

never go out with old people

old people just get raped all day

that’s good

point everybody

be waiting in line to rape the next old person

when you didn’t

have a language and couldn’t say hey fucking stop

you couldn’t

fight someone off

back on those days

it was just raped

if you couldn’t like

reason with people and say listen when you’re raping me

you’re hurting

me i know it feels good temporarily but there’s

other solutions

you can’t talk

someone out of rape when there’s no language

right they just attack your ass

right i mean that’s logic

right do you

think a girl that’s in a coma is just like a

robot fucked off

no she didn’t do anything no

that’s rude man that’s not a doll it’s a person she’s

never gonna come out of the coma though so what

but she’s still a

human being

is she i don’t know

here’s the thing

about comas

haven’t you ever seen like one of

those interviews where someone was in a coma for like

seven years

and then for

whatever reason i just woke up and said he was

awake the whole time

wouldn’t that be

awful fuck no

fuck that man

get web cast tips from anthony kumia

that’s a very good idea

next time we’re

going on a we’re

definitely gonna do that

we’re gonna find out what

dude this is

sweet dude trust

me once you get your internet hooked up

it’s all i’m waiting for i just bring

a laptop over here and this shit will be changed ryan’s

gonna go off i’ve been just waiting for the internet

upgrade i think this is a good

thing to commit to this is the

2010 commitment we’re gonna do this every week

so easy just

hop on and fuck around and

everybody enjoys it does

anthony have

guests he’s got everything man he’s got

guests he’s got these cameras

that are like real like

studio quality cameras he’s got real like radio station

microphones he’s got everything he’s got a

background green screen

so he changes it make it look buildings

dude that’s what we need

this back wall needs to be a fucking green screen yeah

the world space

behind no like that roller coaster effect

how hard would that be that wouldn’t be hard right

oh yeah i have a sheet i can bring a sheet over

that’s gonna happen

right there the one we got right now

that well the

cables installed i just need to change the router

can you take a picture of this and

green screen the

exact same background behind us

oh that would be so dope we

could pull cameras

you know it’d be cool if it was

if we had it like two mirrors looking into each

other where they look infinitely

back yeah that would be cool if you see that

video i posted today on your message board under i

can’t wait till my cell phone does this

no what is it

there’s a video on joe’s message

board it’s under the topic

called i can’t wait till my cell phone does this

and it’s this company that does special effects

so that you could pretty much and it shows

all their samples

and it’s just like

backgrounds and

buildings that you’d

never think was a

green screen

and it just shows you like the

scenes first and then it shows how to use

yeah it’s amazing

could you imagine if you could do that with your

phone if you could like put your phone down

and change what

you’re looking at

you know that’s what’s gonna happen eventually

when they figure out how

to broadcast images and make them look real like it’s

right in front of you

like not just on a screen but

an actual hologram that looks real

right in front of you

goddamn could you imagine

when your tv becomes something that you just

place in the

middle of your living room you put it down you try

and the image just comes out of it

yeah man like old

school princess

leia type shit

but like you can’t tell the difference though

you know what i mean

how intense

would that be

it’ll start off like vhs quality

where you’re like i can

kinda tell the difference it’s all staticky

and it’s kinda

3d 3d television was the big

thing at the

fuck wearing 3d

glasses though

no they said one of them

has one where you don’t have to

well i didn’t see

avatar in 3d

i saw in regular

and even in regular holy

fucking shit that

movie’s good yeah

it’s not like a good

movie like really

great writing you can’t believe they

weren’t there you see

everything coming a mile away

and you don’t care

i’ll probably stay

this week but it’s like i just feel like i’ll

leave gone like

yeah it’s alright

no you’re not

gonna say it’s all

right if you get

super baked you’re

gonna love the fuck out of that movie

it’s so but you see it

no neither has yeah

the promise

you guys haven’t seen

it i think the

storylines to it’s

hilarious you

guys know that

listen are you

gonna see his

story though

you’re gonna see through storyline

but it’s not

gonna matter

but it’s not for that it’s a

comic book man

it’s bullshit

it’s just entertainment

just pretend like you’re 15 again

you’re just

watching some

stupid action

oh my god is there good action

jesus fucking christ bro

i didn’t want to tell you

about it because i don’t want to ruin it

i don’t want to i don’t want to be the the

that’s my fucking spy

movies or shit like that or just

fuck a spy movie this

thing off the charts

and i didn’t even see it in 3d

apparently 3d it’s insane like

black said that

3ds and moss he sees

movies like

more than anybody but imax is not necessary oh

he said you have

to go through

but not imax you can take it or

leave it he’s probably seen it ten times already

right i’ve seen it a few times

if you mike black

if you talk to him on a tuesday’s they want to see a

movie he’s already seen everything

jesus yeah every week

he just goes

every week very nice

he’s always

gets that midnight show

i love movies when they’re good like avatar was a

great experience

there’s something i believe there’s something

about seeing a

movie in front of a

bunch of people

too it’s a totally different

experience watching a

movie by yourself

sounds good

you know when it’s a shitty

movie then you’re just watching a

movie a shitty

movie with a

bunch of people and it sucks even

that’s true

we also held boy three

with oh boy

yeah and we

still walked that way yeah

that was terrible

that movie was so dumb there’s people that love that

i know but i

think they’re hellboy fans they’re fans of the

comic book first

and that’s what we fucked up on we didn’t know what was

going on i couldn’t

get high enough no it’s the responsibility of the movie

to make you

understand even if you’re

not a fan yes but that’s what that happens in those big

like big story

things like

harry potter

i saw the last

harry potter

yeah fuck it was

death i couldn’t i

couldn’t i couldn’t

wait for it to be over

it was like being in jail

it was terrible was it wasn’t even remotely


it was nothing


about so why

harry potter was pretty good yeah the

first one was really good

the first couple were good

were they had that

broom ball thing yeah that was fucking dope

i don’t dream

on one of the

second ones i

think the second one

was when the dragon was coming

after was that the

second one i

think that was

no i think that was the

third one the third

one with a tree that dragon

scene was worth the

whole movie to me like

like everybody talked

about how the hulk sucked

that hulk totally sucked

but when he’s fucking shit up man and you’re

worth it that looks good

it was all the new marvel

movies have been pretty good the iron man was

fucking insane

the new one looks even crazier

man that’s gonna be i need

a good story

along with the action

i couldn’t watch wolverine man the last wolverine

is terrible

i’m sure the action was just as good as some other

and it’s like wasn’t the

whole is ripping you

it’s too predictable

like there’s like

there’s the scene

where the gasoline’s running away from the car

and he’s walking away and he

lights the gasoline and the car blows up behind him

how many fucking times can you see that one

that fucking

scene is so they don’t even look

exactly exactly what

it was just keeps yeah

so stupid so like i’m a badass

you know you

gotta come up with a new way to be

the new badass isn’t like some guys like

snarling and

the new badass is a guy like fade

or it doesn’t say shit

there’s no image i

would do it i try to be cool

and light it

start to walk away but then i start to

assume it’s

gonna happen

so i start going like

yeah and i’m like wait what’s happening and then we’re

like that you

gotta look out for shrapnel

which is stupid

how can you assume that’s not

gonna hit you it’s

gonna fuck blow up back there it’s

gonna come flying at you man i

would make my

trail so long and around a

building yeah i

would run like a

still pay a bum to light it i

still want to see yeah pay a bum to

light it that’s the move

i’m pretty sure

in the movies was i

die doing that in movies

never you can talk some

sense to them he’d be like yep yep yep

that’d be a

great ending to a

movie have a guy

light a cigarette

put it out and then just

ow and just

die yeah that would be

that would be

crazy i’ve talked to you guys

about this before

wouldn’t it be awesome to have a job to

watch a movie

and just your whole

job was just going

all right i totally

wouldn’t do

that i wouldn’t

keep my keys on the dashboard

while i’m at

mcdonald’s you know or something like you know just

right because

there’s so many

movies you’re into and then you’re like oh what

right so it seems like

in like they

could be true yes

professional hollywood nitpickers

you should start an agency show

they have that

thing where they do

where people

go to see tv shows in the

it’s probably they

probably have that already and it’s like the gafford

but we just

never knew what the gafford was

but it’s like

one person you’re probably bugging a

whole bunch of

people yeah yeah totally and people just deal with it

you know it’s

like girls that won’t tell you that your breath

stinks but the more

you have to do that the more takes you out of the movie

totally yeah

well there’s some

scenes like that in avatar definitely

there’s a couple of

scenes like that

you didn’t have to do

it was just there was a few cliches

that were like so extreme

it was almost like it wasn’t even a movie

it was like this is how clunky

some of the acting was

even sigourney weaver was so clunky

it wasn’t like it was a

movie it was like you know how you go to universal

studios and you go on a ride

and before the ride

you play that little video

it was like that oh really

and you’re like oh yeah

and you’re like

okay go back in but you’re not

fully back in

about the cliches

were just so off the charts that in zombieland

it was pretty good

the chicks that have

lying at the end

was almost like you had me at hello

oh you like

what are you doing and all of a

sudden i’m like oh i’m

watching a movie

yeah but isn’t that what that whole

movie was kind of

about cheesy

humor mixed with zombies and

stuff this is what i

wanna know is there a single

human being

is there a single

human being that

saw the ads for that fucking

let me tell you

about the morgans

that you know that the

movie with sarah jessica parker and hugh

grant the new one that’s out now something

about the morgan’s

is there a fucking single human

who saw that that ad and went

fuck yeah yeah that had to be

it’s that i’m sure this huge my org

parker fans

yeah but even a huge

sarah jessica parker fan

doesn’t give a fuck

about hugh grant

you know it’s

gotta be somebody

who was coked out of

their mind when they

greenland that fucking movie

i think we got a winner here we got hugh

grant and we got

sarah jessica parker

and someone pulls the guy aside yeah but it’s 2010

it must suck

if you’re a


and you’re like

yeah you’re like i’m

thinking about brad pitt and

julian jolies

like awesome it’s like in the

studio with

some doctors like

hey instead of that

we’re going with

these guys we’ll keep a little low

budget you know no no

what why would you

well they’re committed they have two projects

going right

now it would

be at least a year and a half

this script is so good

we don’t need stars

we don’t need beauty

we don’t need

talent because

your script is

so good 15 years

we want a guy that got arrested for getting

blown by black hookers

remember that disgusting one yeah

ruined his career sort of but not really right

he kind of came back at that they

all come back

you know you

could get you

could get busted doing something like that

if you’re an actor and for some reason it’s okay you

gotta have projects in the works already they don’t yes

eat the money yes

cram didn’t

have anything in the works yeah if you got projects

in the work job

well he’d never had anything in the works he’s a

weird fuck like mel gibson had like

three things coming

so what are they

gonna do not show him

let’s talk shit

about kramer

did you did

did you ever have to deal with him the jews

did you ever have to deal with him at the dollar

store yeah i saw him

not in a bad way i saw him

when he got there and i was like oh cool

grammars here you know he

just always felt

like he wasn’t

really there yeah it wasn’t to him but then he saw on

stage like oh

this isn’t good

people stopped like being weirded out by i was like

i called you that night before it happened

dude kramer’s here he’s fucking like on

crack or something he’s with some crazy chick

and like an hour

later that all happened it was either brent

ernst or mazger brownie

was you one

who told us

he came back from the lab factory and told us

he was like brent

what is it brent brent bret

yeah brett that’s what i was saying

i thought you said brent

no i said brent

you said brent

i said brent

anyway he came over and just told the two kramer

were fucking crazy

started yelling nigger people we were like what

but we thought it was like another one of those

things in the world of comedy you always hear

about some shit like

we hear what happened to costco

last night tom

paris pulled

his cock out and slap some lady in the face with it

shut the fuck up

and she’s suing man it’s getting

crazy that’s

normal yeah

cool i wish i

would have been there i left like an hour

yeah you’d be pissed off

i’ll see you next

week one of the

things about the old

school comedy

stores you never wanted to go home because you

never knew what the fuck was

gonna happen i made a mistake of

thinking a show was over

where a guy was miming out

being broken up with by a pornstar as she

started fondling and

touching her boyfriend

that was there and he was like please be careful avani

please take me back

i can change

and then they got on

stage i thought it was done

i was like ah that was a

great night i left

later that pornstar was fucking

her boyfriend

right to the side of the stage

while everybody’s

watching yeah

well whatever’s on

stage crazy

goddamn and i’m like why

would i have

gone home it just seemed like it was all wrapped up

that shit will happen all the time that comes to it you

never know what you’re

gonna see there

on a penis on a

penis at a comedy

store seems like everyone wants to show you your

their dick why do comedy

comics like that it’s so

funny cause

it’s hilarious you lift

dick with your ball

sack to say

flaccid gross penises

chicks name that was on stage

where joey was in the back of the room at the original

room and he came out and kept pulling his balls out

and she thought she was killing

he would come out

she was terrible she was a terrible

comedian christy

i forget what her

name no no no

anyway whatever the

chick’s name was

she’s on stage and she’s one of

those lifers that had been doing comedy like

20 plus years but had

never made a living out of it which is

the college

store kind of like kept

those people around

whereas like

those people like

the really crazy people that are

not really in the

world of comedy but they’re sort of in the

world of comedy

they don’t get up at the improv

they don’t get

but at the store

those people

would get a

get on a basis

and it’s really want

their stage time

and they want to

see them and

panic when you

see them on the lineup because you thought they would

clear the room they would

they would usually will

clear that fucking room

eight times out of ten

yeah and so anyway so she’s on

stage and every time she goes near bucks like

we all seen her

act a million times joey

diaz is behind her the way the original room worked

you could actually

sneak up on somebody

while they’re on stage

open up the curtain

and gravel pull

into the darkness

there’s a curtain

right there

you can fully

stand back there totally

stand plenty of room you got like this much room

so joey goes back there

takes all his fucking

clothes off

and every time she has a punchline

he pulls open

the curtain and

starts shaking his balls

and his big

giant grapefruit

balls are slapping around

and then he would

close it back up

and she didn’t see shit

she thought she was slaying

she thought she was

slaying julia

you guys like that one

like she was all jolly and

happy like all of a

sudden she figured comedy out like yes my hard work

has come to

fruition and when that happens to the whole back

row fills it with comedians

and the comedian that’s on the

stage is like oh cool the comments are

watching me

but whatever

nope we’ve seen so much

crazy shit at that place

that the comedy

store the old

school hangouts

were the best part

about the comedy

store the audiences were some of the worst ever

which is one of the reasons why

you develop like like

people always say like you know

oh you know you’re always dealing with heckler’s like

you know what is that like is that

freak you out

like when you

start on the comedy store dude

you have to deal with heckler’s

not everything

but it’s like

one out of five

the only time

they get rid of the guys when

violence is

about to happen

it gets like to the

point of violence like people are

standing up

screaming at people

you really need audience

members to come to the

booth to complain yeah

about a different audience yeah

yeah you need like

people ready to stab people

for them to do anything

otherwise they

wouldn’t do shit so you develop that

style the style that

you have and i have and joey has

where you could just

flip around

you don’t say you’re at from beginning to end

like some people

especially like

a lot of guys who

start out in clubs like in new york you get really

short sets you don’t get to fuck around on

stage for a half an hour or an hour

you know you don’t get like

those nice long sets and when you get

those nice long sets

then you could put material

where you want it and fuck around and be

loose and it’s

gotta work yeah let’s talk

about this stuff

people showcase it’s like you have to do some

seven minute sets to get ready

you don’t have time to

like hey what’s up everybody you don’t have time at all

go go go and get off

like isn’t it

frustrated to when you have to do a tv show

and you have to do like

seven minutes you’re like shit

a lot of times

a bit and a half yeah

and you don’t know how to set it up

it’s like yeah this is a good bit but it’s really good

after i’ve been talking for 10 minutes

and you know

where i’m coming from

is it different yeah

yeah it’s totally do seven

minute sets only pretty much are better at that you

know yeah they more realize

their potential

than someone

who’s reduced to long sets and has to cut it down

yeah you get used to what you can get away with because

you can’t really dig a hole

and you really know your pacing yeah

if you dig a hole in

seven minutes like

there’s bits that i have

where i know

like the baby blowjob bit that’s a possible hole

anytime that someone can fall

open and close with it can’t open with that fucking

thing people be like what

no you can’t talk

about this yet

i don’t know how you think

but if they know how you

think they know oh this guy’s just being

silly he’s just

fucking around he’s a really nice guy and

he realizes

this is all

in fun we’re just having a good time up here

then people will accept

craziness if they know it’s all bullshit

but if they don’t know you you can’t just go on

stage and you

might have this killer brilliant bit but

you’ll do the

first opening line of it and they’ll just

start eating it

right away and you’re like fuck

yeah it’s like wow i have a

20 year old man

i got a hole

i have a four

minute hole i have to fill

i might have just

dropped the pit

right now i was like fuck it

maybe something else

the real i mean real comedy

is in front of an audience in comedy any comedy on

television even

comedy like when i felt like i did my comedy special

like i’m happy that people

could get a hold of it

but it’s really just an ad

to come see

us the real

thing yeah it’s i mean

it’s nice it’s got the material down and

you can see it without having to

drive across the country to where

people like well what’s the difference i can

still see the jokes i see exactly what

they saw it’s like no you don’t because they’ll spend

what you miss is the

connection you try to make

with an audience and you

weren’t in that audience and

then you feel that

feel and hear the same

things you heard

that’s a huge

point right there the

connection because it is a concussion

not just the jokes that are really yes it’s not

you can’t discount it it’s a real

thing that’s happening with you in the audience yeah

it’s very strange it’s like

almost like a

psychic connection

you know like there’s moments

where they know exactly what you’re thinking

and you can just

pause and consider something and they’ll start

laughing because they know

but based on you know

where they’re gone

yeah they’re

going there with you

i try not to

judge other

comics by watching them on tv but i do

and i’m trying to tell myself i

don’t know maybe

same thing i just

heard not to it

still looks

right it looks like the answer

they’re doing sony just sent me a tape of some guy

check out this guy i

think he’s really

funny and i was like

watching the clip but i’m like i am

no yeah no i saw this

lori kill martin remember her no new york

i think january first or second she was doing a show

but somebody threw

a roll at her

bread roll right it’s just a heckler video

and i was watching like yeah

it’s pretty good

right if i was there

i’d be like oh this is fucking

great you know yeah

you don’t know what’s

gonna happen you’re caught up in the moment yeah

complete everything she knows that

about the crowd that’s how she

what she does

a certain way

people love that when moments just

happen when you’re in the middle of a show you know

stand up comedy really is sort of like a mass

hypnosis it’s like

some weird mass

connection with people

and what you’re doing with

like a video is you’re just hoping that someone will

sort of get a little bit of that

connection yeah

you know you’ll get like a little

like a little vibration of it a little

just like a faint

memory of that connection

you get the material and you

understand good writing all that stuff

but there’s a moment that happens when you’re on

stage and you’re killing

you know that moment

where it’s just writing

about sort of

feeling man i don’t

think too many people

understand that you know

what people talk

about like oh it’s commonly

scary it’s not

scary people want to have a good time

you just got to do what you’re supposed to do

put into work

write a lot

perform a lot do it with the

right state of mind do it the right

intentions do it all for fun

as long as you work

if you’re intelligent

and you’ve been doing it you know how to do it

just fucking do it man

the only time i

heard is called scaries

jonathan got

sick was on stage once

i don’t know like 11th or whatever it was

and he was just killing

right from the

start you start

fucking destroying you see him about like

10 or 12 minutes going

i’ve done that have any hiccups

cause he realized this

might be the best set of all time

and then he’s like yeah

and the last like

three minutes was

probably like a b plus a minus

and he was like oh

i know but he was like

oh my god i’m doing

so well he felt responsible for the rest of the set

and i was like how totally done that

have you ever you talked yourself out of killing

yeah really what happened

that’s good

start eating it

i remember there was a set that i had when i

first started doing comedy with the

first five minutes

i fucking crushed

and then i have ten minutes set and then i

dropped a glass

yeah i just

fumbled drop the

glass and didn’t even address it was it

yeah i can strike

and then the next five minutes i just ate shit

i fucking ate shit man

it was like i went through everybody

laughing and wow

this guy’s really funny what a great choice

we picked a common show

this is awesome

cause it was like in some weird

place in the middle of

rhode island it wasn’t even a comedy club it was like

one of these little comedy gigs that you would get

where you know you drop it into a guest spot

like before you were actually getting paid

you know it took me like

a year before i ever got any paid sets

but before that

year there was always guys that had like

these little

bar rooms and you can go up and do 10 minutes

like in boston

they developed a

whole network of those

there were shows

everywhere they had comedy

night all over the place

when i was doing comedy they had

three comedy clubs on one block

warrington street

three on one

block and our fourth

one opened upstairs they were all packed it was crazy

and then you had another one

that was only a

block away that was a little dick doherty

place and then

you had another one stitches that was only a couple

miles away and then on

route one you had two huge ones

you had the kowloons and you had giggles

these are like full time clubs

like giggles wasn’t

columns maybe i

think was just a weekend one too but the

other ones were

seven day a week clubs how many people in boston

i don’t know there’s a few million but it was

crazy man there were stitches

there was duck soup

which was later

later became the improv

and then it was of course nick’s comedy

stuff there were so many fucking clubs

it was the most incredible play

it was so lucky

just a total

streak of luck

that i was in

boston in 1988

when i wanted to do comedy because that was like

that was like mecca

so much there’s time

and it was mecca for the cold country

for whatever reason that one place

developed all

these comics i mean like it or not dennis leary

what’s his face steven wright

and then guys you’ve

never heard of jay

leno of course

nick depaulo

anthony clark

anthony clark back then was a murderer dude

yeah he you know i think he got a television show and

things started to happen for him and

i just think

a lot of stuff didn’t fall into

place but when i was

starting out back in boston

ari shafir moved away from the camera

so my grandmother didn’t say

hey hey start taking some questions that nosy

bitch she’s

still watching you streams

start taking

some questions you got so many people asking you shit

man shit happens

brian what the

fuck brian no

no no no no let

me tell you something man let me tell you

something how this shit works okay when you’re on the

radio show you

never have someone telling you

yeah say that

let’s take some calls

when they want to

when there’s a break

when there’s a

break in the

action that was a

break in the conversation

i said let’s take this what’s

wrong with you people let’s do

it let’s take some questions

what are some questions no no no

you get reception in here dude at amp

t is fucking good up here

yeah verizon

sucks yeah verizon

is terrible up here but at amp t is the bomb diggity

out there but

verizon’s better everywhere else

but and i’m gonna get something hooked up

where you can have verizon in your

house through

the internet you have like a little internet thing

and it’s like wi fi through your

house so even if

where you live

doesn’t have good internet

you wanna hear

about that sure

it’s actually

what it does is it uses your wi fi and it rebroadcasts

hey this ain’t radio

i know it’s not

radio but i mean a precedent has been set sir

i would try to um we’re doing it like

radio this guy

tobias holt

he saying red band hit him already

listen fella you got a lot of pent up anxiety

we’re friends all right

we’re friends

here there’s no one’s hitting anybody god damn it

settle the fuck down

do do do do

so many angry people that that that

that hang out

in the usc community

well it’s not just the ufc community it’s in the

world man there’s a lot of

angry motherfuckers out there but i’ve noticed

since you’ve been on the road

since the fc

8 45 a m yeah the economies in the shitter

were in two fucking wars that makes zero

sense there’s a lot of

angry fucking people out there man yeah but

there’s a lot

of ufc people

that i’ve noticed have come on to your message

board lately that has kind of

taken over the common

crowd and they’re either

cool they get

a lot of them are cool

a lot of them are

cool but there are so many dumbasses

and fucking

morons and fighter guys

true but the beauty of that message

board is the retard room

that’s the beautiful

thing if you

my i got this killer message

board on joe rogan

net its forums dot

joe rogan net

and these forums

we have it set up so people are just

generally instructed to be cool with each

other don’t be retarded

post interesting shit talk

about things

and occasionally

someone will

fucking blow up or they get retarded they get

stupid they get

angry they get aggro they

start fights

and so then we send them to the retard room

and we have a special room

that’s just for everyone in it

has been deemed a retard

i mean you’re

not all retarded i know somebody you’re probably just

young and some of you

had a tough life and you’re crazy

i don’t hate

you i just don’t want you fucking up the conversations

and when people fuck up the conversations for more than

you know a certain couple

two or three times

who sent him to this retard room it’s the

greatest invention ever i don’t know whose it was

whose idea was it i forget

crescent wrench was the guy who came up the idea

where everybody should

have to post porn

that was his idea which is

cool yeah that was the original

you got to fuck

it wasn’t about

i’m cool

cool no it would

get better porn asshole yeah

and it became like a website

where you could just get porn

you wouldn’t have

to go anywhere else but my website to get porn it was

videos and and

now with those fucking

those yuporns and

x movies big

giant ass fucking pictures

yeah they’re huge they’re like

twice as many

as searched by

categories and they look good

you know what’s funny is

also the people that

were the most addicted to porn and had the best porn

photos were the

most popular people so actually

we were friends with the most creepy people yeah

we were friends with

people that follow

seven different

gigabytes full

right no fairly

legal to go to

strip clubs when the girls performing with like

magazines for her to sign

yeah i met gina lin

she’s really pretty she’s very nice such a cool

it’s actually really cool she’s

a nice person she’s not doing porn very much longer

i love that they like them because of porn

and they’re yeah

yeah then they want them

out picking up for them

you can do better than this i just want you to know

some dudes are just into it

bella said she’s done with porn

wow she’s done acting them

what is she

gonna do now just produce

wow she’s gonna become a pimp

you know she’s

tired of baseball bats up the pooper huh it’s

i don’t think she’s

tired i don’t know how anybody can get

tired of that

who does because out of nowhere she’s like oh here

here’s my asshole and you’re like oh that’s great

there it is

wow it really is like that too

she sends you nsfw

not safe for work

i think you need a bigger

warning than loads dripping out of your gaping asshole

that’s not just not that’s not safe for life

that’s ridiculous

you’re showing me you’re showing the whole

world you’re like

right to the butthole

like not mysterious lips and sucking on

fingers and taunting you with

lingerie uh uh

she loves wide open butthole with sperm

squirt real

what she’s into goddamn

the flowers a

bitch goes deep

she goes deep she takes it to another

level she does

she set the bar

like a motherfucker uh huh i’ve

never seen anybody

shove a baseball bat up

their ass like that it’s a loss to the community

it’s a huge loss like jordan retiring the

first time it is it is

who’s the dirtiest girl in porn now sasha gray

now that she’s gone

is she dirty or

something really dirty

just a good

marketer she’s way

dirty than the rest of them

she looks pretty dirty

jesus what happened brian brian’s at my job candy

thing balancing on

you don’t know what the fuck you’re doing and

everything this is a story behind this thing behind us

and i’m gonna put something in front of it

is that a bunch of pot on the ground yep

this sign when

doug stanhope and i were hosted the man show

there was a segment called

make me hard

and the segment

we had like

boxes attached to dudes dicks

and like we would show them things like

a midget eating a banana

and we would decide oh he’s getting a

heart on ding ding ding it was really stupid but the

whole reason for the bit

was so that we could use this tranny

and in the bit we had this tranny

and she was really hot

i mean she’s fucking

super hot like my friend eddie saw her in a car once

and he goes damn that bitch is hot look at her

and i go dude that’s a

tranny and he goes no fucking way

oh yeah we used her on the man

show so i’m like hey what’s up how you doing so anyway

we got this guy with the box on so the idea is that we

show him all the

stuff that’s not

not sexy like

guys playing with her nipples big fat guys and the

light would go off you know

midget’s eating a banana

their light would go off

and then we had this

super hot chick

and she’s rubbing on him and she’s touching him

and nothing nothing’s happened his

light is not going off

and she’s pulls her tits out the fucking audience is

going crazy

and he’s sucking whipped

cream off her tits

and then she pulls her cock out

and her cough is this

wrinkled shriveled

up little poison dick because it’s a real dick like

she used to be a man

but she’s been

injecting herself with so many female hormones

that her dick is like like a dick that’s been poisoned

it was like

a monkey that got shot with a poison dart

which you would imagine his dick

would look like

it was like dark and shriveled up

and then of course the

lights going off like

crazy ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding

but they let us do all this

what they didn’t let us

do was call it make me hard

they wanted to call it make me stiff

and that was like a

legitimate argument

so you changed it

so we had to change it for

make me hard to make me step it was your choice i just

say you put your foot down as a creative

person and say no

without hard it’s not the same

but that’s how dumb

it is when you’re dealing with network

television that’s

how dumb their arguments

are it’s like everybody wants to change something

and they really

believe that they have to change something

to get your respect

that you know that you’re

gonna have to listen to them

and they want to come

in and they all none of them are creative and all the

more offensive

or people would

have helped the lawsuit

how could that be more offensive

how could the word hard be more offensive than the word

stiff that doesn’t even make any sense

stiff to me

sounds like even more like like pokey

you know like make me hard as like

it’s like you’re rare and the girl make me

stiff is like like you’re

stabbing somebody with it like

you know it’s like

they don’t even want your dick you just get a little

stiffy that

doesn’t sound fun

but that’s how dumb the arguments are man

today ladies and gentlemen we’re

learning the difference between connotated

value and denote

a value our affair

educated to the masses

giving you knowledge

where’s the

laptop it’d be easier to read off the laptop

it was fucking your feet out

your internet

and so weak

but that will be

fixed tomorrow

ladies and gentlemen

we’re gonna do this every week

we’re gonna

start taking some

questions now

just twitter feeds coming to fucking fast it’s

crazy when your twitter feeds

going faster than chat room usually does you know

she was what are the big news stories

is that lenny

bruce on the wall no that’s that’s a

picture of me from my

first cd this dude made it with

with snake blood

some crazy dude said

to me he makes

paintings with

snake blood and i

lost that dude’s email so

if he gets to see this the dude who makes

paintings with

snake blood

thank you very much for the

picture pretty fucking dope

it’s up there

these questions

are so it’s hard to read this shit man what’s

going on the news

right now the nexus

phones coming out

no no terrorism brian oh

fucking fire

they don’t use

those kind of phones joe

these people don’t use

those phones no the terrorists

oh okay i don’t know what you’re saying

do do do god damn this is impossible to read

i’m way too high to

be reading this moving shit any updates on his moving

hospital for

sure there’s so many rumors floating around i

heard this report but this doesn’t say why

yeah i haven’t heard anything official no

i’ve heard some crazy shit like what

drinking bleach stabbing himself in the stomach fucking

i hope that’s not real fingering his asshole

what don’t make that

up did you hear that

at the fingernails of course that’s a lie

no one heard overdosing what no one heard overdosing

i think that’s just obvious i think that’s obvious

but i heard drinking bleach like he tried to drink

like suicide

what if you go to hospital

just to get a checkup

and then it’s


i didn’t did you hear the howard

stern show this week

no i haven’t

heard it at all

it’s probably old news everyone

probably knows what’s happening he’s probably fine

did you hear

about tiger woods

i just love saying that i don’t even have any news

did you hear about the new thing with the whiskey or

the bottles of vodka and red bull

and the three hot chicks came up to his room

shoved it with your pussy

maybe oh he ordered maybe

he ordered 20 bottles of vodka

20 yeah in a case of red bull i had three

really hot chicks

up in his room that’s how he

celebrated new years this year yes this year yes

this year yes

there’s also a porn video being shot

how do you know that what had

where did that come from it was in the news

that he was celebrating

that’s how we celebrated new years

tmz apparently was there well he

didn’t just say like i thought he hasn’t left his

house i think he just said fuck it you know this year i

could see in the pack thank you this

year i think he just said fuck it i’m

tired of this bullshit

i’m just gonna live i’m gonna live my life honestly if

you just answered a question for like six months

well yeah let the fuck people who’s out there

not only that like he has so much

money that he

doesn’t have to work ever again

keep working though

keep playing golf

right you can totally

play golf but he doesn’t need the endorsement

to crush people

yeah i hope

you get the endorsements

back he’ll get different endorsements you don’t

think somebody’s gonna

sponsor who’s winning

these tournaments yeah

who they keep showing on

sunday most of the time

yeah let’s put

our fucking logo on his bag it’s a lot of

money in that golf huh

that’s a businessman

sport there’s so much

money in big golf yeah

it’s like no offense

you get jeff

ogilvy as your me

guys just doesn’t

carry as much weight do you

think people

would go into golf

thinking that you’re

gonna make money off with

those so hard i

think it’s the same as any

sport basketball

one of the major

sports basketball baseball

that you go into it

going like i love playing i like all star

like all conference

you know i think i go to a

i think i go to a big division one school

in the back of your head you’re like i

wanna play pro

yeah i’m sure

right but it’s just that you know the hardest

thing about

becoming a professional at anything difficult like golf

or you know whatever playing football or any sport

just saying okay this is what i’m gonna do

because you

don’t have a fucking backup plan if that’s what you’re

gonna do oh yeah it’s the

scratcher the guy

just make ties

get on tour it’s got a q school

scratch off a fucking you know eighth

place finish

on the best buy tour or

eight grand

you know hopefully

yeah just about

spiders to i see some of them

for eight and eight

you fight three

fights a year

getting 30 grand

to see the graphic

oh brian’s having little conversations on amazon

someone said winning is everything

code enos okay

would you bang

tiger woods wife

right now i think no because she’d be very vulnerable

i don’t feel feel bad about that but

i would fuck the life out of hey man

consider the vulnerable part

i think you got it

poor girl you know

she’s having a hard time right now

do i have to rape her or

no she wants to

fuck you she wants to do

it she wants to fuck you she needs someone to hold her

and then as

she’s holding

you you grab her ask and she says nothing and then

you just go

for it you just go for it

but she doesn’t really like grab your dick you grab

her hand and put on your dick and she just goes with it

does she get into it when

she’s doing that sort of a little bit but she feels bad

so the whole time

it sounds like a terrible i think i’d still go

i would be disappointed though

like you know what

yeah that’d be very disappointing it wouldn’t

leave me with a great feeling yeah it wouldn’t be

that if she got really into it though if she gave it

saying her b game yeah just a bb

game i think i’d be

super pleased

so much more important to have a

chick that’s really into it

that’s so important

a hot chick that’s not into it

but there’s some port

there’s a point of diminishing your turns right

you know like a super hot chick who just lays there

is way better that’s

not as that’s not as good as a one step down goes

crazy but it is better than

its down yeah

a little bit yeah

like a certain

point there’s like a point

start at a certain weight

certain smell

it’s like okay okay i’ll take the hot the

chick that doesn’t move

yeah but that

yeah it gives you like

quarter credit

hotness gives you full credit so

here’s the thing that gets me is those

those robot

things those

those dolls those

real dolls and

would you fuck one of

those cause i don’t

think i would fuck one of

those i fuck one i fucked pillows before i

would definitely fuck yeah

but i would

but i’m saying i

wouldn’t invest a lot of

money into it i

would rather jerk off than fuck that

thing i’ll try it out

i mean how could your

flesh possibly be good

do you think that’s good

i thought i don’t know i mean sometimes

lotion feels better than that lotion yeah that’s feels

weird still in fact

there’s one

thing to fantasize

and masturbate

there’s another

thing to fuck a rubber

dog i think

the same thing that’s a totally different

the same thing

i think it feels right

extension that’s

three d versus two d

that’s it just

gives you more texture

true but it’s a thing

it’s not your imagination with auto manipulation it’s a

thing you’re fucking it’s all been

off i guess

in a rubber

thing yeah and it feels good and

as you’re like closing your eyes and doing this if you

you can feel something that feels

like skin you’re like oh it’s just better here’s my

point it seems much more humiliating

if someone catches you

it catches you

okay what the fuck

if someone catches you fucking a rubber doll

you feel like shit i

think you’re supposed

to feel like shit if someone catches you that would be

worse well that’s cause i

think you’re supposed to feel like shit for doing that

that’s a fucking creepy

thing you’re

doing you’re fucking a rubber dog you weirdo

you should just jerk off oh

probably gum

now we’re gonna make chili noises

this is the chili noises portion of the program

all right ladies and gentlemen

this guy says

about real dolls dave broomfield says they look awesome

talking taking them to dinner is awkward though

the gem set

movie lars and the real doll no

this comment is ridiculous

you know if you were somebody that

never got laid like ever

by the way did you guys watch that conveyor of love

show no oh that’s great what is that it’s

a new reality show

where like four hot

chicks just have a conveyor belt in front of them

and they just send guys down the guy has like 20

seconds to impress them

or they just go get out of here and he gives

off on the conveyor belt

and then at the end of like

a hundred guys then they take them on a date

and so then there was

one demeaning

yeah this one

chick’s like oh i just want that guy i want

i just want to do him so bad it was like a guy with no

shirt on and a puppy

and then the next person would be like a stand up

comic like do you like fire and you had like a fireball

comic is this song

is right after

brilliant the bachelor

whatever just a bachelor was right after the

is that abc

is the abc so what do they choose like four out of ten

like yes no no

conveyor of love

and then all

the people they choose to go on dates with them later

yeah and then the dates were

awful like this one guy is like crazy

oh you guys got to download it how incredible is that

one chick got

stuck with this

fat guy that had really ugly hair by mistake

cause it’s a game you

could steal

other people oh no

if there’s two girls that want the guy

and the guy

has to decide between the two girls and they’re just

blunt like this

might be the

greatest show of all time oh it’s

great it’s so bad

it’s just like let’s just

see how much more we can let people demean themselves

right do you remember that show

temptation island do you remember that

that shit was hilarious

that was good

how crazy was that

they would take

these fucking

checks and tell them to try to get

these guys to

cheat and film

everything they did and they

would still

cheat and they would

fuck the girls yes

there was a

girl who works a fair factor that was one of the girls

they’re just


yeah basically

i mean i mean there’s not

it’s not an american

they have to be attracted to the i don’t know

it’s not on

americans well they’re not paying them to fuck them

they’re paying them to

flirt but the interview

process is with

stealing sluts with

whatever happens if something happens you should any

girl like feel like as kissing was like okay stop

i don’t know it’s a good question

i don’t remember watching i

think that’d be highly

discouraged i just remember

mrs rogan being so

upset at it

really mrs rogan did not like it

she was like

that’s a terrible show

so mean those weak


they got the weakest dumbest

it’s like they

know the big

film but eventually like fuck it poor fools just wreck

their lives on tv i

cheaters is so fake by the way yeah did you know that

cheaters is fake

you watch not

always cause you got stabbed no

look at the stab video now

look at it now it’s like

watching et

now and you know you see how fake it is

have you watched the

stabbing video of

cheaters now

our brains have

gotten past that and now it’s so fake looking it’s

like this he’s like this he’s like

and no one’s like helping him out and he’s just

like there’s four people just filming him and

stuff and he’s just sitting there

i do remember he said

don’t stop filming but

yeah dude it looks like

watching et

now really yeah

you’re just like that’s a fake alien

that’s what

it looks like google that

right now and

this is the beauty of the internet bitches can you

turn it off so we

watch with them no

joey greco from

cheaters gets

stabbed right after

the stabbing now i want you guys to look at it like

all right is that real no

would this really happen do the one above it

is that the one

oh wait this one

cheaters getting oh

yeah yeah yeah

cheaters get even is what it is when you look it up on

youtube see how slow my internet is so wack

i’m wearing a white shirt

are you i’m wearing triumph united

that was probably

staged first comment on

first comment

on youtube the dude says that was probably staged

let’s see this shit

we’re watching it

right now ladies and gentlemen this is like we’re

watching two girls one cup except this shit is live

over the internet right now we’re about to

watch joey greco from cheaters i love the one comment

says i hope joey is

going to be okay this happened four years ago

the converse from

three days ago

hope joe is going to be

okay and you know what’s even creepy

about that i think i want to

find her stuff later i

read her posts and

by the way when you get your internet

hooked up we will be able to show them what we’re

watching just

can’t do it

right now that will be

hooked up next week

well next week’s

gonna be hooked up tomorrow yeah

next week’s episode

we’re gonna do this

every week folks

alright here’s the

cheaters thing

let’s watch from the beginning

by the way it’s beautifully filmed okay

oh some guy gets thrown in the water

okay somebody’s been stabbed by the way

yeah i’m alright right hold on hold on don’t say

hey yeah well the camera help him out he’s been stabbed

oh that looks real

well you gotta think though that if he did get

stabbed the guy’s a failed actor

and he’s gonna ham it up if even if he did get stabbed

and if he hammed it up he’s gonna you were stabbed

i wouldn’t be holding a camera and

stuff i’ll be like all right

i’m sure this is available we can find this out online

okay joey greco as i was name is yeah

joey that’s it


yeah i gotta be honest with you it looks pretty fake

okay and there’s another part if i had a gas

there’s another part in the

video where they got the guy that stabbed him

right here cheaters host joey greco stabbing was

staged says paid actor

look at that and this just came out november

it’s an addition so this is a recent finding

so the recently finding out that

whole thing was yeah i told you oh

my man called it dude my brain has gotten past the part

where where

i can just tell

has been on the air for nine years now documenting

scorned lovers

come confronting their cheating partners

in the act with a camera crew in tow

it’s like an episode of

jerry springer filled blah blah blah blah blah blah

blah inside

edition reports today the stabbing was faked and as

as was a relationship shown on at

least one episode go to the inside

edition website i’m always a little

weirded out by reality blurred

websites if

those are just made up or not that’s a good point

might be just inside

edition com that

might not even be the

store right

inside edition com

my internet so weak wow

there’s another part where they have the guy that

stabbed them in a chokehold

if you’re in a chokehold

wouldn’t you just his hands just like this look

wouldn’t you be like trying to

punch the guy in the face that’s has you in the

chokehold are trying to undo the trouble

his arms like this in the guys that has them in a

chokehold and his arms

to the side you know

not doing anything

yeah this ain’t shit

okay investigates cheaters is it all hooks

each week millions of viewers blah blah blah

every episode blah blah blah blah blah blah

bobby goldstein is shows own executive

producers adamant that every episode is real

about bobby goldstein you’re so full of shit

bobby goldstein

you’re a fucking liar dude goldstein

bobby goldstein the show’s owner and

executive producer is adamant that

every episode is real yes

you’re showing real people

those are real people they’re not holograms

they’re not cartoons

but they’re acting motherfucker

come on man there’s some reshot

scenes left and right on that show it’s obvious

shut the fuck up whore i was gonna say

fuck is she talking like

that’s the inside edition broad

it’s probably she’s gonna say what’s printed here

that’s a goddamn lie let that load up knows

my mom’s internet show no i did this is just like it

was on the webcam i’ve got no juice i got nothing

the whole thing was fabricated correct says wyatt

all right so

it’s not real at all says carrie wyatt who tells inside

edition she was paid 500

to appear in an episode of cheaters she said she was

asked to pretend that she was having a toured affair

with one guy she

while she was engaged to another huh

well that’s a different

story though

they’re saying

against what that guy said that every episodes real

they’re just breaking that what he’s saying is fake

oh you hold on

inside edition your website sucks

yes look you have to hit on this little

put your cursor over this

arrow to get your text to scroll down i wonder

that this is a link you follow for my

other guys website i wonder if this is all fake

dude look at it no this is inside edition inside

edition inside edition is the

worst website ever look it’s flash

based you have to hold your cursor over i fucking hate

flash i’m done with

flash this is the weakest

thing i’ve ever seen oh you can’t take it and

scroll down

no you can’t do you can’t use your scroller

you have to use their

stupid thing and you have to figure it out

i thought that that was the whole article

cause it was it’s actually cut off

it doesn’t even say more at the bottom

shame on you inside edition

your articles your whole website sucks

so we’re gonna

move off of it bitch

but i think

i think i would have to go with that was a hoax

totally and rewatch it sometime and

watch when he’s getting choked and just watch his arm

if you’re getting choked your

arms not just gonna be like

gently resting on your side hold on this fellow

johnny bananas has a question says what do you think

about the suicide bomber that was a cia

double agent

what the fuck is he talking

about dude kim drought jordan

oh the guy who killed all cia people he was a double

agent is that

what it was his crew by the jordanians jordanians or

john jordanians i

think and he was a cia

agent as well

yeah i don’t know

he killed a

bunch of like really high

level guys yeah i guess yeah

something like that

there’s like news stories

he killed yeah so he was recruited

let’s say i

threw the jordanians and they’re like no the jordanians

never got a back or i don’t know

i’m so high i can’t even type

i’m googling the cia

suicide bomber news ticker this is some

crazy shit ladies and gentlemen that’s real

look at this guys that’s marijuana soda pop root buzz

it’s um i don’t like it i don’t like the feeling

it’s um it’s one of those

almost like narcotic feelings really like you look like

you ever you have one sodas i don’t like

edibles as much anymore period

yeah i don’t feel like

tripping i just want to get a little high and think

about some shit i don’t want to

invest that much day yeah

this is crazy shit

there’s a dude who’s a cia double

agent he’s the suicide bomber

he blew himself up in a bunch of

soaps this he was

worse than a double agent

well he was working for the cia

pretending to

be a cia and also working for a gas al qaeda or

the taliman or whoever the hell it is

who sent him to blow everybody up

but he was a cia

agent he was in

so that’s how

so many where was it

where did it happen

it’s loading up i

think it said jordan

the local yeah i guess

cia operatives killed by double agent

that’s pretty intense shit man

suicide bomber killed seven

seven central intelligence

agents agency operatives

in afghanistan last week was a jordanian double agent

who lured them into a meeting by

promising information on al qaeda leaders

a former us intelligence official said so they

he lured them in and just blew himself up

he got them to come to him

he’s gonna give them some information

and they’re all in the room he just went

boom bomb might have been

arrested more than a year ago

by jordanian authorities

who thought they had convinced him to work for them

so jordanians thought they had

gotten them to work for

their jordanians

wow they thought they can

but that’s the

jordanian good guys

yeah but how the fuck

well supposedly

you know how the fuck did they talk him into doing that

he only got arrested a year ago

so they had him for a year

thought he would

brought writing good intelligence god damn

what a logster that guy is huh

he gets friends

with them gets them all in a room and then goes

and just does the whole thing

just fucking blows himself up how crazy is that

oh this is brian’s new kitty you gotta see this folks

brian’s got a new kitty cat

let me see this fucking glare can you see it

is a short haired persian

so it is brown yeah exotic short hair

was too much glare from this oh you know i’m stupid


something that

goes into my

girlfriend’s work as a breeder

said she had kittens

and jessica wanted any

and i was thinking just kittens

and then she showed

me it i was like oh my god that’s like a real cat

she had to get it as opposed to what i supposed

to like a tom cat type

thing we think

we had such a good time with 10

you get a friend

yeah cats like having friends man my cat is a friend

you have to have friends

it’s cool when there’s

life all around you too

when you’re at home and you’re

anywhere you go there’s something

going on like a

creatures like

trying to create something or do something

that’s what i feel living on sunset

this man says joey greco is not his real name

wow well that

doesn’t matter

well it doesn’t matter

no he’s a lot of change his name he’s like carl svensea

he’s fucking fake

as a fuck are you sophia

how many times do people mispronounce your name all

the time but that’s

your fucking name son that’s a part of who you are

you can’t change your name you

should never change your name

arnold schwarzenegger

is arnold schwarzenegger

that’s part of the flavors is get this fucked up name

that’s that’s part of the

thing it defines

who you are

here’s the thing

about cheaters

start watching it and just

notice how there’s

never really good

punches there’s

never good punches

when the boyfriends

fight bob dylan

people change

their days all the time that’s gag

still was like chewing

kykenstein yeah that’s

right julie

kykenstein see bob dylan

he’s a fucking

self hated good you

could have been good if you just

stuck with his name with

would you say it was

joey kykenstein

if you stuck with joey

kykenstein and just

still rock the

house just that hard

maybe they would have just

said you know what

look janice

java became

famous and she was fat and ugly as fuck

she had a big fat

stupid face

was that really all good

i didn’t think

i’m totally off the

example i’m

not even make it sad i mean i’m not even go to the

heart of the army

which is her fucking name and tell

you like you know

who else is

cool like she

and me wear makeup and i like

these songs talk

about the cutest arguing

that’s like

the chemtrail

crop trails argument

just tell you something else and you’re like okay i

guess that’s

right man i

watched a documentary last

night on ancient

aliens on the history channel

i ordered on dvd

eddie bravo is just always constantly talking

about aliens ancient

aliens it’s like there comes a certain

point in time when someone is so obsessed with aliens

you run the risk of

why don’t you

marry an alien yeah you run the risk of like

not wanting to even consider

aliens anymore you

want unless like

it’s not real it’s not possible

it’s so possible it’s possible

you know what’s more possible

when you watch

these videos

these ancient

alien videos

where they talk

about these ancient

structures and

you know what

technology put

these together

i think if you just look around

at the evidence there’s not that much evidence that

aliens have landed

but there’s a lot of evidence that

life on this planet has been fucking seriously jacked

at least three or four times

like big ones that we know

about like mass


you know that’s just

mass extinctions

what happened

from inside the house

jeff sussman management this is my management

they don’t even know that i’m fucking on a podcast

i would think that jeff sussman management

would be aware

of my podcasting from

three to five

on you stream

today it started at

three thirty

sandra well

that’s the best way we’re all gonna be

become one on twitter

i’m on the podcast i’ll call you later

bye that was my manager sandra

a very nice lady

she’s on the twitter

she said that’s how she finds out my

my schedule

i don’t even talk to my manager

you just twitter

real talk i talked in


sometimes i’m elusive

sup brian

stone a little bit huh

let’s get take some questions from the

field ladies and gentlemen

what am i gonna educate dana and zufa

on copyright well i am

i am a retard i’m not educating anybody on anything

but copyright yeah

copyright law i think is

the ufc is threatening to sue

all these people that take illegal

downloads of the ufc

they’re just threatening yeah

yeah they’re just

talking about

well they’re talking

about putting people

in jail yeah and the threat of that is enough to get

they’re gonna make

make some examples and

stuff they’re

gonna throw some people that’s what the

la guy said

about pot stores the la

sheriff whatever

they’re like you’re gonna shut

down all 900 it goes won’t have to

shut down a few

don’t close

yeah he’s right too yeah

he’s gonna risk

going to jail

yeah just going down the block

no one’s gonna

there’s a dude that it was in

eddie school that was

selling he was

all licensed and legal and

everything like that but he decided it was too

risky it did and it’s like you

think it’s like no

obama won’t

it’s not you

never know there’s a lot of people

you never know

how to interpret them

well you know

the interesting

thing is it’s moving

along there’s on tuesday the 12th

or some vote in

california it’s on the message board

where they’re talking

about trying to

vote to move towards

legalizing it

i’m not a registered voter

you gotta register

you gotta participate in the fake game

after obama

i swear to god

i thought before

obama was in office i was like you know what this is

gonna be very different

we have a black guy

he’s a liberal

i’m like the very

least it’ll be

good for the consciousness of the country they’ll have

a leader they’ll have someone to look up to that’s more

peaceful and

has their shit together more considered

better and it’s

black and it’s been through a rough

childhood and everything

but he’s doing the same shit that they all do

he’s doing the same exact shit

it’s almost like they have all

these ideas and they get into office they realize

oh it’s not it’s easy to make it happen

but it’s not just not you got

majority powers

go along with

things like sending the

troops to afghanistan

send this extra 30 000

at some points

you realize what choice do i have i can’t just

pull everybody out and make it a huge vacuum and just

have to destroy itself that’s true you can’t just leave

yeah and then i realized i can make this problem

it’s way past the year

fuck you know well not way past but

if there’s any more trips but they talk

about how it

would become

a hotbed for terrorists that we left it’s a hotbed now

that whole middle east just mad at us

that whole middle east is mad at us

and it’s like now

it’s like once you start

bullying someone

and you start pushing them

once they go down

you gotta keep pushing them

you know that’s what’s going on

right now you

gotta keep them down no fuck you

gotta keep them down

because if they rise up

and they go get something to eat

and they take a nap

and they come back refresh they’re gonna

punch you in the fucking face you know

you’re gonna you’re

gonna walk out of a restaurant

that guy’s gonna be

right there

hey i want to talk

about what we had to talk

about earlier i

heard this thing

mpr the people that are being released now and sent to

yemen yeah and they’re worried

about them you know re integrating

more they said

the problem is no

one will give them jobs they are because they’re like

whatever and they’re getting

becoming disillusioned

and leaning on people like hokka

and saying oh

well help me

it’s like there’s newly being recruited like

maybe they were

wrong acute before but it’s like

so it’s like

their life is such shit

yeah no one gets

a job could have

gone in the

right direction they don’t

they just become angry

well because i can’t get a job and fucking wasted

eight years of my life what am i supposed to do it

you know when someone else is offering you

jobs and telling you all this

stuff it sounds right

god what up margaret here shit

place to live

could you fucking imagine

could you imagine

how lucky you

are that you were born in the middle of a war zone

i bet in places like that

simpsons only comes on like once a day instead of twice

what what was

it like to be pregnant to be a pregnant

woman living in afghanistan how

crazy must that be

the feeling

of vulnerability the constant stress of shaking

i mean that

would be just

absolutely horrifying

morning sickness

tuesday january 12th

members of california

that’s what they always do dude

california assembly will hold a historic vote on

statewide marijuana policy

members of the

public safety committee

will decide on assembly bill 390 the marijuana control

regulation and education act

which seeks to regulate and control

the production

distribution and

personal use of marijuana for

adults it’s a problem all these

things are just wide open so it’s really open to

interpretation you know no cash sales no it’s like what

house being

and then they really want to narrow

it down now

well if they did what’s

legal what’s not legal

and if they did open it up legally

statewide it

wouldn’t be much different

it’s very easy to get a recommendation

the recommendations of the problem the taxes

was selling the pot

well there’s always

gonna be that’s whether

you shut down not people not doctors

giving up yeah but with

these guys what

they’re saying is they’re trying to legalize it

this is not

about medical

this is about legalization for personal use

this is a totally different situation

they’re talking

about taxing it

and trying to make

money out of it

is to regulate

which seems to regulate and control the

production distribution and personal

use of management

yeah it’s not medical they’re not talking

about medical marijuana

federally medical marijuana

doesn’t exist and

that’s what fucks you that’s what happened to todd

mccormick when he got arrested

he got to court and in

court they told

him that you can’t even use the term medical marijuana

how wacky is that

right you can’t even say it

you can’t they say were you selling marijuana

and you go yes i was selling marijuana

under you know the assumption that

you know it was legal because proposition

250 they don’t

want to hear a fucking word of that

they go shut the fuck up

were you selling marijuana you were good

who’s this brody

what is this co host brody wants to

tell a co op

what is this

that means that he can be in a camera on the side

so you can look at his face who is this guy

brody stevens that’s brody isn’t it

no oh no nevermind boredom

boredom strikes what are you blind i am blind

no i can’t let go

no i don’t wanna be crazy

i don’t think my internet can handle it co host

how do you just somebody

just anybody but

i get on that

well now we

know now we know that you can try to promise

if you have somebody that’s

gonna want to you’re like oh yeah sure come

sit in with it like

it’s a problem you got a million people

requesting it

then it’ll go

crazy you need a

direct line i

think eventually everyone’s

gonna have their own reality show that’s my

my vision of the

apocalypse mm hmm

is it we all

have a channel

we’ll all have a channel

i mean basically that’s what we’re doing right now

well once you get the internet

you could have like up to six co hosts

where anyone

could have their i

think have their face on the side and you

could just mute them but if you want to ask him

a question you can join him in on the conversation oh

i like but we’re waiting on your internet

oh shit so we

could have like an interview like

mayhem and stuff like that

oh that would be beautiful

we could have a

bunch of people in it

we have a bunch of windows and they

could all open up to different windows

right and they

could be watching all the same time

we could move it like hollywood squares

right we’ll go to

go to whoopi

goldberg right

whoopi we also

put desktop

like overlaid

on this camp

we want to see the

show things

things are getting crazy

pretty cool right

this thing about

ten years ago you couldn’t even do something like this

yeah there was nothing

there was no twitter there’s no

the webcam shows were just

blurry pictures of fucked up girl showing you

their pussy and you had to be in

their membership to get that right slow

those bitches went out of business with the internet

they blossomed

those cam girls

but then that shit just rotted on the vine i miss

that though

cause you remember when

you used to have like that one cam girl and it would be

like a whole

group of people

that were all just like look at this she’s

gonna you know

you know what was really cool is that

crazy amber

chick she was really cool it’s just a sex

tease there’s a

modern day like like

well this this

chick chick would

do real porn so

her and her boyfriend do porns

and put them on the internet she didn’t give a fuck

i followed this one

where it was a girl that just had her camera on 24

hours a day and it was

just her and her husband living in new york but they

would have fucking straight on when they had sex they

would have sex

right on the camera but

other than that it was just them living

their life 24

hours a day

holy shit and now she

gotta stop that and now she’s a

successful author

and she’s trying to race her past you

know oh really

did anybody save the

video of her

and her husband fucking

i don’t know but google caches wonders

and i’m not gonna say her name though because

would you say cash wonders google cash

google cash if you go to google and type in

internet history

right there’s a thing that comes up

called a wayback machine you

could type in your

website and see what it looked like back in like 1985

you know incredible yeah

google is fucking we’re just talking

about this me and my tech friend that wires my house

he was like

google is like they have so much power

it’s almost like

if if google were evil

like we wouldn’t even see them coming

and they document everything

you know like

if there’s an artificial intelligence out there

it’s google

you know google is a

weird company man

i mean they’re so

powerful if they do terminator

they do mail they do

searching they do your fucking maps they do what your

house looks like from

space i think longitude is the scariest one the one

where it just

where you are throughout the

whole day so you

could look at it and see like oh i was here here

here the whole day and it records that information

puts it in some kind of database to see

where people are

going you know

that’s fucking

crazy that you

would ever sign up for that too

it’s fucking

crazy man the

whole google

thing but you

know they seem like a nice company and that’s

by the way that’s why gps on the google

phone is kind of

scary because if you use google

what is google doing with that information because

there’s a way

for them to use that information if you’re

using your g maps

you know right

talking about

where people are

going and when they’re going

right it’s yeah

my theory is you’re running it through google

now you’re running a gps through i’m okay with that

you know what’s really cute though

what if they were evil

and they decided well let’s just

have a lovable name like google

right colorful

we work really hard on our image work

really hard on being green and

eco conscious and

we really pay our employees well they’re all swell

but they’re just ruthless

monsters what if it’s the government

what if it is the

code that’s like area 57 branch

no shit what if they like developed

they figured the words

are not boycott

google because of

these idiots what if they sat down

what if they sat down and looked at the

trends that

humanity is

participating in like look

where things are

going technologically and said you know what

and they got

the best scientists on it and they said this is

where we think

things are going we

think things are

going to an online

based email service so you can access it from multiple

ports we think

things are going to

and they just

started listing all

these things and google’s okay we

what if it’s people from the future making sure we’re

going along the

right path what if mr jeez was trying to save us the

whole time yeah

and he was just

like this butler trying to be our friend

it was like

fuck you mr d

like a bitch

fucking say

shit i’m going to hell

i have answers

anyone how many pisses

as jeeves get a day i don’t know but web number

web crawler

remember web crawler

no no no that used to be like a pre good

i kind of remember that now

barely i don’t i remember

realizing that i didn’t have to get online through aol

that was a great day wasn’t it

was like what there’s another thing

i was like oh my god but that’s like

space that’s like the wilderness right you

take the mail a

browser and i’m

going my own and how do i get my email now

have to write all that shit

into a program and then get it from the

wow that was

crazy remember when you first

figured out you didn’t have to use internet explorer

i can use firefox or

something else

netscape just

went under a few

months ago they finally closed shot

isn’t it crazy

once on top of the

world once huge now

irrelevant and so

quickly within

a decade gone

you know so much

technology and so much

so many things that that were invented like

like cds they

just have this really

short life like there’s

gonna come a

point in time no one gives a fuck yeah

flash drives hold a fuck load more

and everything’s

gonna have a usb port shut up

you know it’s like

cds are like really hot

chicks that got old

you know like now they have no power poor

laserdisc poor

laser i miss

my laserdisc they

fully was a big

laserdisc fan he used to have

like even when

laserdisc was

dying he was buying up really good

movies me too

me too i got like terminator be

better it can’t be better

visual quality than

blu ray though

it’s not better than blu ray but it was better than cd

i say it’s kind of like how records were better than

cd but it’s better than dvd

image wise yeah

yeah but sounds better too

great so insane

blu ray so insane

hd is so insane

anything in it

you know in

movies and hd now

it’s just getting so crazy

this fucking avatar man

wait till you see this shit

who like visually it’s like whoa

i didn’t even see through a lot of

people i know it said that they want to go back in that

world and live there

whatever the fuck yeah

that’s what i said i said i fucked up that’s the

future though that we’re

gonna have fucking master

wires in our

brains are like

pick the avatar nineteen

here tonight

you’ll be able

to go place

two thousand nine

ability to go places

what do i think a

coast to coast with art bell that’s the

greatest fucking

radio show in the history of the universe man

they would always

every now and then they get some lame sidekick

on talking stupid shit

but for the most parts all people that knew bigfoot and

dudes who used to be werewolves but they

got keywords yeah and

yeah by the way if you want to know more about

what they were talking

about go to ask jeeves and

enter google conspiracies

and the first link will tell you all

about it oh there’s a conspiracy side about it

google conspiracy

why would i think that

see this is a thing

great minds

think alike

whoever you are out there

like us from november

twenty second two thousand two

is it that’s hilarious we’re so lame that was

eight years ago

we were just

going man you not believe what i figured out bro

if you fucking keep food cold it last longer

fuck it keeps food out last longer

that keep that

food cold life

growing on it

that’s good

for you i said if you keep it cold it lasts longer

that’s so dumb

of course there had to be a million people people

think there’s a conspiracy and everything

those then the nine eleven people man

those are hard fucking conversations

here’s the conversation so i was like

but maybe in the

night just to now yeah but

maybe it doesn’t mean anything

well the problem is if it was really but

maybe i’ll have that conversation with you

you know if you say

maybe the government you know really arranged that

building to be blown up

maybe bears arranged it but you know when someone says

maybe but the problem is they don’t say that

they go maybe

the government doesn’t give a fuck

about you and they plotted this

and they’re attached to that idea

they don’t know if it happened

there’s information that not even

saying it’s like fucking do you believe that you

sound like you do quit saying

maybe yeah i think they did this

yeah but yeah i think they just know that that’s a

ridiculous argument

it’s too hot nobody knows what the fuck happened

but the idea

that it was some gigantic fucking conspiracy that

thousands and

thousands of people are in on i’m not sure that

a few people didn’t know that something was

gonna happen

but the idea that this many people had to be together

and put what the fuck are you doing i don’t know my

phone just start playing music

your phone’s gay as fuck bro

and what song

was it i’m not

gonna even say was that

a lily allen

huh what was that oh that’s what it was an

alarm was it

along yeah yeah well what song was it

not anyone talk

about it just tell me the song

i didn’t download it

what alright it was

funny that for

you what song was

it lady gaga

oh my god that is embarrassing did you hear carmen

like it carmen

do you like it no

karaoke lady gaga

broke real funny

why did your girl put lady gaga on your

phone because my

phone connects to my cars when we’re

going in the car it’s like kind of like our jukebox

and so she throws

music on my

phone all the time

my girlfriend put it on there it’s a

modern day i ran into a wall

you know what happened

dougie my homie

you like lady gaga it’s fine

you like lady gaga whatever

i appreciate

i appreciate

cause she can

she actually knows how to play her instruments and she

doesn’t lip sync

she’s a real

musician oh

here we go haha

lady gaga oh my god

all that hermaphrodite talk it’s just more

plain enough for the media very interesting

very interesting how people bite into that

that one song though gives me fucking brain cancers

sharon cartman saying that was so bad

it hurts my mind

i didn’t see that

they did a montage to it later too

and you actually could hear the words when he says it

it was like

these are ridiculous

there’s never been a better tv show than

south park consists of

funny consistently

irreverent consistently brilliant it’s so

great get to

get away with shit that no one get away with

that whore off

when that gay dude

stuff paris hilton is asshole

to help her that was the

greatest moment of

television history as far as i’m concerned

the fact that they even got away with that

the fact that they went

there that’s

where you go if you’re

gonna go crazy you

wanna go crazy that’s

where you go

and then at the end

he shoves her up his ass and wins the contest

fuck man can we really put that on tv you know

but because of

these blocky

cartoons they got away with it and because comedy

central knows that they’re monsters

they’re just unstoppable people

wanna watch

them i don’t

think comedy

central gets to tell them what to do at all

i think well yeah i

think there’s a lot of that

i think they’re just like shut the fuck up i

think it’s preceded

by it’s just

it is not a

cover yeah cable

it’s just them saying

we figure the appetizer

might pull away

but the appetize

arm to pull

away from south park they

brand themselves as this thing

so everyone

who goes knows okay it

might be something like this they have

movie success behind them too

and that movie success

those two big huge films those

both films were

giant successes

i don’t know if they were financially but like i

think they were i

think they’re

teen america though that was one of my favorite

movies ever and they hate

they said that was the hardest

movie ever they will

never do that ever again

but man that was such a

great fucking

genius and i believe that it was really time consuming

but it was so

goddamn good i got to see the puppets in real life

even the silliness of

it when they had this

they’re releasing the

giant cats it’s just

kitty cats that are the same size as them

just close up

the whole thing just

black kittens

the beginning of it with the fucking terrorist

when that sex

scene was the funniest sex

scene i’ve ever seen

before that was probably like the safe sex and

make a gun when they’re covered in

rubber you know

but it’s like

there’s no funny

that was hilarious hilarious they’re

boning hardcore

and they see the unedited version

where they drop logs on each

other yeah oh

i did not see that

they pee pees on it too

right yeah what’s

unedited that wasn’t in the

movie no they cut it from the

movie otherwise it was

gonna need an x wow

pee and pooper no go

so how about when he

threw up and

never stopped

throwing up i just

kept watching

it covered in entire

block genius

it was so funny

i remember crying

laughing when i see that i couldn’t believe how

funny it was

i was like i

can’t believe they pulled away well they did that

first south park

movie and i

was like okay here we go and i was like wait this

thing oh my this is shocking

they did a musical

they’ve been waiting for a south park

movie this morning they

did a musical

and i loved it

yeah it was

great and they did a

great job but

how do you do a

musical was a

genius show

blame canada

yeah come on how good was that

how about all the canadians with

their heads pop off they

just have they all look different

they just look completely

weird and different

their heads look totally different

than regular

just the fact we accept that as a head that’s round

this thing is letting be connected

and bobble it up and that we accept that

okay that’s the head there’s the head

that shit’s

genius that show so goddamn good

like i was looking at a cartoon the

other day that the one that you gave me

the barney rubble picture

barney rubble

doesn’t have eyeballs no that’s

crazy black

he’s tripped out

black pupils but everybody else

on the show had eyeballs because his pupils are black

barney rubble no it’s all white

it’s all white

he’s got nothing i know

god damn zombie what

about on like yeah

what’s that

fruity pebbles

doesn’t have it no

i think well i don’t know maybe in

fruity pebbles yeah i don’t even know he was on

fruity pebbles i thought that was bam bam

and it’s all

pebbles right

i don’t remember oh it’s all of them on there i

think so an awful

expert in the flintstones

pretty pebbles but it’s just weird that

you just get

comfortable with the fact that his face looks like that

it’s like that this avatar movie

after an hour

i didn’t care that

chick was blue and looked like a lizard

i still wanted to fuck her

you were into it yeah man i wanted to fuck her

which and if i

lived with you

i would told you

no but if i

lived with them in the woods and shit i

would totally

think she was hot i

would totally want to fuck her

you know it’s like it’s subjective

but if she like made a

sound other than english i wouldn’t want to fuck her

she meowed yeah love it was like

they were they were the show be the old show be

whatever and they started like

i never watched that show

which show the v show

i like the old v i would not watch the new v

this guy wants to know this da78

fella he wants to know who do you

think is better in bed oprah or hillary clinton

hillary clinton

you think so yeah that’s a hillary

clinton cause i have a pussy

oprah winfrey

is a fucking huge

lesbo you think so yes really yes

her and their friends seems like more than one

who things like seem like more of them hillary clinton

more of a lesbian she seems like more

she made a you didn’t know but she had

sex and made a human

yeah so she knows

she’s at least accepted dick

right and you have no idea about we have no idea

that steadman guy

if there was ever a man that looked like a beard yeah

that poor fuck

dude i bet if you google

oprah winfrey

gay guys marry old ladies yeah new conspiracy theory

the orpheus

guy yeah i can see it out totally that’s why

ellen wanted to be on the cover with her

well she’s super

powerful man

maybe maybe she’s so

powerful that the testosterone

that she has from having like a billion dollars

the surge of

power that she has

maybe just made her

just want to dominate some bitches

maybe she doesn’t even

maybe oprah

only gets them to eat her

pussy oh yeah


doesn’t do shit

over is worth a billion dollars and she hangs out these

broke bitches

that’s what it is oprah

do you know

how much a billion that’s a thousand million

that’s incredible money

that’s an insane amount of money

she’s so rich

you couldn’t

spend that you

would have to go nutty if you wanted to spend that

she’s probably

worth more than a billion she’s probably

worth several billion right

super fucking winfrey

just keeps coming out new

stuff no one’s been ever been more successful

than oprah winfrey

like for daytime tv

yeah it’s not

even close i

still remember that old old

opera what’s the question i love

this question what’s up read it like how he writes it

this guy yeah

yo what’s your ethnicity

were you born into religion

it says yo what’s

your ethnicity were you born into a religion that’s not

a bad question if you’re eighteen i just like how you

born into religion

ashley brio

is that his name

ashley brio

oh so this is what twitter does it

doesn’t actually

scroll it just bumps

right you know when new people

leave him oh it does

scroll look it does a little bit but it’s really far i

think it’s low yeah

what do they have to do they have to put hashtags on it

and you follow the hashtags

i don’t know

why it’s doing that this what i was looking at

earlier they’re putting the hashtags on it

is that what it is no paris

keeps on saying

oh it’s yeah hashtag

that’s exactly what it is it’s hashtags

but why is it doing that that’s

weird but why isn’t it does have a little a

thing on it why does

it have that does it mean they’re

in this twitter room is that what it is i don’t know

check my iphone

a young hillary clinton it was you think

young hillary clinton was was cool yeah she’s good i

never heard

bang not bad the first time you ran it was like yeah

i don’t think that

yeah and by then she she had a child

who would you rather fuck now is that the story

now who do you think is better and bad i think

that yeah was

hillary was

hillary would give you some action

whereas oprah would make you eat a pussy hillary

would have better cocaine

i’m just not in the

blacks did you

just imagine

that’s what oprah

winfrey really did she just had girls eat her pussy

that’s hilarious and it came out just like

tiger woods is coming out that he’s a

freak and he’s

married with

children but he’s really banging like 16 different

chicks at the same time

what if it came out that oprah winfrey is this

crazy bitch

that just has all these

young girls eat her

pussy and they’re all


so they they

bring into a special room so they don’t know whose

pussy they’re eating

right like this is your rule this is your assignment

you will be paid a hundred

and twenty five thousand dollars a month

will you accept you know yeah

you can’t give them that much you’d have to give them

125 a year but she

would call upon you no you

get more than that if you want to be like that not

their blindfold and just go into a room they eat your

pussy 125 a year and

to be on call at all times yep on call

no it’s five thousand

that’s too much but you can retire i can’t keep you my

bitch no all you

have to do is work for a couple years you can retire

no i wanna do

it for life if i

wanna keep you my

bitch i give you

enough money

so that you get used to money

but you can’t really hold enough away

what i’m gonna do is for my card

is take someone who’s

super broke

start them off at 75

give them a 35 percent

increase every year

start them off at 50 but you

gotta get a

super bro alright

so i have 50 next year look i want to

leave now i have 50 grand

next year we’ll give you 75 oh

now i have to stay

you’re after that i want to

leave it all depends

150 this year

okay i can’t leave that

okay now i want to leave

300 this year

he’s out doing me

right now just keep

upcoming not letting

him leave yeah

it’s like hollywood

shit you can never

leave you never get

to a certain

point you have to be cultivating

other boys and

get him used

to the report

yeah you get him used to the

money and then look you want to talk some shit

hector over there is

ready to become a number one boy yeah

and hector hector

like sucking dick he’ll suck

three four he’ll suck my friends dick not to mention

if i got some guy he looks like he’s

28 now 29 the roads

hector is not a feel a grizzle

on your tongue

have to suck dick all the way from

guatemala to get here on the banana boat yeah

there’s a certain point hector’s so

happy to have a fresh pair of nikes

he’ll suck the life out of your balls

hector’s here he’s here for you

totally right oh yeah competition of being a male whore

you know in nevada they just recently

approved male horse they’re gonna have male whores they

have four no apparently they didn’t

apparently it was only females

what that’s crazy why would they not have it

that seems that’s interesting i don’t know

it doesn’t seem worse

this is the way guys

for society

if guys think they’re fred is gay they’re

gonna get him a male whore now

my dude you’re not

gonna believe what i got you for your birthday

i got you a fucking whore at the

buddy ranch

get the fuck out of here

that’d be a nice moment cause you’re like oh i

gotta fake it with this girl from my friends she’s

gonna be like

you guys knew

yeah it comes out i’m out of

nowhere can you imagine

you get him a whore at the

bunny rush just go in that room go in that room

what does she look like

don’t worry you’re gonna like it you’re gonna like it

you set them in there

and then the red light comes on it’s a

naked guy with a heart on it’s like yes

oh my god did you imagine i thought it was gonna be

terrible and

if the guy says

what the fuck

bang bang bang bang bang

you know that he’s just a little femi

he’s not gay

he’s just a little femi

quit wearing

sweaters my dad had a friend

when i was growing up i had a swore this dude was gay

but he wasn’t gay he was just a little femi

yeah look look if you didn’t know duncan trussell

there are times when duncan

trussell we yeah i act family

but i just think that it’s

i couldn’t act

serious and normal

stuff like that but i just always let myself

like who cares

you know like i know no no no no you don’t

understand me that’s not family that’s relaxed

this guy was like

that kind of he was

like people

are always gay

really you just got

into it yeah why is

it doing hashtag

that’s a better question

because that’s why it works

that’s fucked up did you try to fix it

and i’m gonna fuck anything up and i’ll try

does anyone know why it’s doing

hashtags instead the at signs in the twitter social

stream on you

stream yeah

cause they’re socializing

about the subject yeah

well it’s last

week last week it did at signs

that’s what we want we don’t want this hashtag bullshit

anyone know how to change it

from to hatch

hashtags to add signs

still do the same thing

duncan trussell

is awesome yes duncan

trussell is awesome

when he goes family he’s really just playing

duncan likes girls trust me

what’s up is red band a comic red band is done comedy

he’s technically a comic

he go up anytime he wants

he wants to fuck around

he’s very funny actually

wrote some good material

we have to get it

when we’re gonna

i can’t tell you about that what i was gonna tell him

about that show thing can’t tell you about that but

he’s done it a bunch of times

it’s just doing these videos even though it

doesn’t seem like it takes a lot of time

takes a lot of fucking time and he’s

gotta archive all this goddamn materials

doing open mic sucks ass that too

he puts me in front of him on

his sold out shows and

i’m like a noob trying to do comedy but you get spoiled

and then you have to go to when you go back to la

you go in front of like

three other comics

you know and he

spent four hours a day just you can have you know

five minutes on

stage it sucks yeah open my fuck that shit

i’m too old for that you know

yeah water i’ll be right back we got cotton mouth

so they’ll entertain you guys i try to

change the hashtag

why are they all doing it they’re all putting it in

it is because

brian what are the new

videos coming up or logged into you

stream via our twitter account

where the videos coming up brian

what videos what do you got come

on what do you got coming on your life

i’m not really doing much of videos right now

really yeah

ryan is doing a new thing

where he’s doing before a show on the road every time

he makes a video

specifically for that town

yeah like his material from austin

yeah if you go see joe do

stand up at most

places nowadays we have a thing called death

squad that’s like before the show it’s just kind of

collection of videos and we film a bunch of

stuff like hey we’re coming to austin

it’s kind of centered around that city

so make sure

you get there at least 15 minutes before the showtime

to watch that

stuff what’s that all the videos yeah it’s gone

yeah we’re gonna do that in most places we go to when i

they’ll be shown just that week and then done

yeah when i go like

to like one

nighters like dc like ari and i are doing dc this

next sunday

this upcoming sunday

brian’s not

gonna come this to that one

but when we

do weekends like the next week was the next weekend

to add some

will probably do it no tempe

no ice house private

next oh yeah ice

house then addison and tempe

it’s all up on my twitter page oh it’s

right in front of me i’m asking

questions it’s

right there

icehouse addison and then tempe

addison’s i’m looking forward to that i fucking love

texas how much fun is

texas i love

texas so much fun

i’m looking at

those dates i’m like tempe is

gonna be a lot of fun always is ice

house is always

a lot of fun but i’m like fuck man we’re going to

texas you know

it’s like the food’s a little better the people are

a little more fun it’s a little more rowdy it’s like

they’re like

healthier there’s like something

about them they’re like

they got something that we don’t have here in

california this

place is so

polluted by the

entertainment business

but yet i hate the east coast

most of it east

coast too angry yeah

why is it so

angry why are you so fucking mad

you know i grew up with a lot of guys like that always

everyone’s insulting and

they’re usually

the funniest guys because they have to like

learn quickly to deal with

you know people’s bullshit

but boston boston so fucking aggro

so many aggro guys

yeah everybody’s

upset everybody wants to fight

in new york how could you

i can’t imagine living around that many people it’s

rough so many people it’s someone said just this guy

t saps said

cause it’s cold

that is definitely part of it

boston is cold as

fuck in the winter

i was there in

october and when i was there in

october it was

starting to be freezing

it was like 50

but it was a different kind of 50 it wasn’t like la 50

la 50 is nothing this is

literally in january yeah yeah

we wear shorts

in january out here all the time well the

grown man really

should never wear shorts

oh my you can look at my legs

bitch what’s

wrong with my legs

well sexy and hairy and shit

when i get gray hair

in my legs that’s when you stop seeing me in shorts or

you’ll see me in

shorts with shaved legs seem like you fucking faggot

i’m like you

just remain

your legs yeah

shave them no i’m not gonna die

you die i know dudes who do their facial hair

yeah facial hair but i don’t i don’t do that

i’m gonna shave

i shave my balls i don’t dye my ball hair

so i’m not gonna dye my leg hair either

right can’t be

dying your leg hair that’s just fucking

other faggotry

line in a bathtub with some fucking

black ink trying to pretend you’re not dying

you’re dying man you don’t die your fucking leg hair

that’s hilarious

and have you ever seen like an old dude whose hair

is dyed they have like a reddish tint to the hair cause

the dye looks kinda

puffy these are

brown instead of a blonde base

could you imagine if you have it on

your legs and your legs look like sasquatch legs ginger

ginger sasquatch

who is red band what does he do red

band is the guy who if you ever saw the carlisman see a

video you seen his work

have you seen the jew

clan video you seen his work and if you

haven’t you really need to

check that out google jew clan

and look away the

he does all the videos for

for me for my website and for you know we just

it’s like one of the

things we do when we go on

these shows and

we travel to all these different towns one of the

things we do is we a lot of

funny shit happens and we film it and

brian takes all that funny shit

has to watch

nine hours of bullshit to get 10 minutes of awesomeness

and so 10 minutes of

fun and with the

right music and the

right editing and he just makes these cool ass

videos i just heard some director talking

about he shot this movie with julia moore in 21 days

and the editing took five months

he thought it

would take they said 10 or

12 weeks he goes i’ll be i’ll finish in five to seven

five months

god that’s so much longer you guys can make a joke

funny you can make a joke not funny

you do whatever

you want through editing i can’t even imagine

shit i hate dealing with is

just the music because i make my

videos around music

but then if i pick

a song that will get me banned off youtube and off all

these websites then

in fucks then you have to try to do with your own music

or make your own kind of shit

and then you lose the

creativity part

because you’re

like working with bullshit instead of working with led

zeppelin you

know it’s fucked up

i hate it i know it’s

like one of martin scorsese’s best

movies goodfellas

do you remember the

scene where

it was all falling apart

for what’s his face

it’s all the coke we had

it’s all the

money we had

remember when he was driving in the car and looking to

help us out

yeah the music

was so important to all that shit

it’s all that rolling

stone shit you know

i mean it was like

that was that made

not to mention well not

to mention at the end when

he put in when

he’s picking up his mail or whatever

or the newspaper and they have we did it my way by my

sub vicious

but he was like that’s a reason

he’s not using the

sinatra version

he’s doing it on purpose he wants the fucking

that version of it this

bastardized version of the mafia that he’s trying to

show it’s like yes

it’s important yeah

this music is so important to a good movie

all those that’s one of the

great things

about like scorsese

kind of you know

yeah francis iv

cobalt they know how to pick the

right fucking music man

know the great guys

they know how to

really jazz it up

right and did all

those good the bad the ugly

those were all

sergio only

always use any or more pony or whatever his name was

the good apparently ugly

i wish i knew how to dj

i wish i could like remix and

stuff like that

cause you watch

it seems like

it’s so much fun and then you make your own

music and that’s

you know in a way

you know in a way yeah and

i just wish i could

do that what’s

weird where is

every now and then a guy gets through and is huge

like there’s that guy i

think his name is tiesto

he’s a gigantic dj

and these people were

telling me this dude was telling me that he went to a

tiesto concert on new years

it was like this big

thing i think he did in

south america and he said it was insane it was really

crazy fifty thousand people yeah like more

and they’re all on ecstasy

i mean like

just fucking

utter craziness

hundred thousand people on ecstasy

and this guy is

jammed this guy gets

apparently he’s like this

multi million selling

dj guy don’t know

where they make

their money i

guess they make

their money on personal appearances yeah yeah

for the show

dj sounds so good when you’re at

nightclubs right it

sound like oh yeah i get it good

right yeah they’re good

man ecstasy

i only did it once

but goddamn did it feel good

it’s just named

right it was like it kind of feel yeah you got it

it felt so good

but it scared the shit out of me the next day

the next day

yeah i never

got one of those

i might have had shitty ecstasy

i might have to get me some good ecstasy

and see what happens

but it might be my biochemical method i

think it’s more that yeah

it’s a real gospel

yeah djs produce

music but they produce

music that’s

like other people’s

music that they’re

like piecing it together and making it their own

but there is an art to it for sure

you know yeah sometimes the people that make the music

don’t see it as well as someone who’s listening to the

music you know i know that sounds

crazy but it’s possible that a dj

could take a song that

wasn’t really that good and make it pretty fucking dope

and that’s possible sometimes

remixes are better than the original songs you know

most of the time it is

like if you go to a

party ben or what’s that other dude’s

girl talk if you go download some of their

music they take some really good songs

man you listen to him mixed up and

stuff like i actually like that better yeah

and like well that’s what everybody says

about quentin tarantino

right that his themes are all stories from like

other movies of older japanese

but he makes them fucking badass

you know yeah

it’s an interesting

little fine line there

kick paris 7891 we’re having a

fight in here

this dude is telling someone to kick somebody off

oh paris because

paris keeps on saying hey super

cool joe how much

money do you suck my cock

ribbons good

how much money do you have fella

you think that’s

the real paris

paris hilton

do you think cities are on twitter

how do i ban you dude

delete this message from

this yes i want to ban the sender

oh cool bam

sorry bitch

nobody’s getting their cock sucked now

i was what i was

gonna do is suck everybody’s cock that was listening

but you had

to go and fuck it up son dude i didn’t know joey

diaz was here oh that’s alright

why you so rude

going deep nowadays

always going deep

remember the old

re that would

smoke half a hit and then like

in a car accident on the way home

i remember when used

to get nervous for getting too high going on

stage you got barbecued in vegas

how hard you get in vegas yeah

who you kept

going we had a joint

and usually this is the way it works when you do comedy

one hit and

this would be fun this

would be fun to get loose

two hits like woo

you’re trusting

and trusting the universe and

you’re trusting your

state of mind

we have four hits

we were fucking blitzkrieged it was like nah

all right we’re just alright fucking one more

we were fucking blitzkrieged

the worst is when i was so

stoned like my

first week out here you invited me to go see you at

fear factor set

and he gave me these

these are like when lollipops

first came out

and he’s like hey ohio boy

brian come here

you want this

lollipop i’m like alright sure

and so i take it

and then like 10 minutes

later he’s like

can you feel anything yet and i’m like no

and we’re like let’s take another one

so i took the

second one yes we took two of them

and then joe’s like well here

hang out with all the directors and producers in this

trailer i gotta go now

and then it

starts tripping

and i’m like

they’re like hey

brian how’s it going

and they’re like

like outside so

so head on my head on my yeah i was

i called you out

of diablo for like

three months

you know what that’s how much i hated fear factor

i hated fear factor so much that i had to do it

that i would get barbecued

i would get so fucking hot

i would take these crazy

beyond bomb that was the name of the company that

would make them lollipops and i would eat one of

those before i would do fear fact and i’d be

blitzkrieg to the

point where i could remember what i was talking

about 10 seconds ago

and that’s how i would do the show

but it made it so much more interesting it’s fun to

watch fear factor now knowing that though

cause like all

the episodes you can tell your eyes are all glazed

over and you’re just like oh my god you’re gonna eat

it must be so

windy and energetic out there

the producers knew it and

liked that fact that i did it because it made me more

relaxed and funnier

there were so many agro douchebags on the show

i’m sure the producers

they must work with so many agro douchebags over the

years so many

and if you want

to be a douche you can make your lives miserable yeah

most of the people that did

that show were really cool they were there to have fun

trying to win some

money holy shit i’m on tv

you know so there was a few

got like stars

yeah they got

douchey well not only that they got

aggressive you know

there’s some contestants that were like really

aggressive you know and that was

annoying because

they’re all hyped up trying to win this fucking show

and they would

start shit with me you

know they’re at home in jersey practicing if joe rogan

said some shit this

woman said to him so

you don’t really say it but they go anywhere anyway

they’re already

wrapped up by the time they get there i’m like hey man

relax i’m here to help you yeah you

relax i was yeah

so the weed

helps with that

the weed helps

nothing helps you deal with

aggression better than weed

it does help forgive sometimes when people

watch it you’re like all

right there son very nice

was that the

vegas show last may says a doona

a dunja adu

and jay i know we were talking about

yeah we’re talking

about saturday night

friday night

the we do the

house of blues in

vegas all the time we also do the palms

and i’m gonna be doing that like

every couple

months we’re

gonna do the palms more

yeah i’ll give

it to a while

later but yeah

it’s a regular more of a club

yeah i think so too and if it’s similar to the other

stuff and it’s like do wear it

set up that way yeah

the only thing i don’t like

about the palms is that

the stage lighting is not the best house of

balloons is all like really lit up well but they

might have fixed that by now

that’s not a big fix just a spotlight

but yeah so either way we’re

gonna be in

vegas a lot

talk about mma

joe fuck the mark gaden

oh that’s john

copenhaver i wonder if that’s the real john copenhaver

it’s the real mark aden

war machine

would have is that the real mark gaden oh that’s cool

real john copenhagen

war machine

wouldn’t have a fucking

little tweety

bird next to him

what is up with

those tweety birds the yellow and the green

that’s no picture

they just joined or there

a lot of ufc guys war

machines got a

picture him looking all buff on it

the palms has the

naked girl pick

on stage yes

that is yeah exactly when you’re on

stage the palms

right to your left there’s a

naked picture there’s a picture of a girl showing her

pussy what the new in the new place

yeah she’s got a tits are

out and she’s like showing a little bit of pubic hair

right on stage

and then oh

cause the playboy

night yeah it’s like the playboy

comedy club yeah

it’s very strange man

but i think we’re

gonna do that

i think we’re

gonna do that much more

to the next one we’re doing that in february

is there any female

comics that you know of that show

their pussy all the time like hey look at my pussy

like joey shows

his balls yeah like any no

it’ll get way creepy

that’d be awesome yeah that’s a problem

guys i wanna see it

again right

that’d be awesome

be like yeah

there’s nothing

funny about a girl showing her pussy yeah

a dude pulls his dick out

of a what what

it’s funny but if

it’s like look i’m fingering myself with my cell phone

what happened when you were young what happened

sarah silverman yeah sarah silverman’s funny

but she wouldn’t be fun if she showed her pussy

she’s fun if she talks about her pussy

but if she showed it

she killed i did that k rock

thing with her last year there’s like a

like some k rock comedy hilarious

crush god damn she crushed it she’s funny man

do do do do pat nozzle up to

yeah he’s hilarious that guy’s

a really good writer i always seem at starbucks

he’s always with his kid he’s like being dad

mr dad stuff with the

kids family

he always surprises me with

where he goes

with his writing i really like his writing

you know his

stuff is like

he’ll go someplace with and he’ll take a premise

that like you

would think like

maybe you would like

think about like

maybe i’ll talk

about this on stage

and then you know and it’s not

funny enough

but he makes it funny

he actually makes the joke out of it yeah

he beats it down and conforms it and makes it funny

with his writing

he always takes shit to a

place i’m always surprised

come to seattle i’m

gonna come to seattle

motherfucker eventually

josh come to

a new place

is it better changed it

i don’t know

i’ve not heard

of this this is a

stupid way to see this because

these hashtag

things yeah

this is stupid

why well because it keeps

scrolling and i can’t fucking read it

at least when you go to

actual twitter it

doesn’t do that


when you go to actual

twitter you can actually

sit there it’s probably way to stop it

yeah i’m not

looking at hashtags i’m just looking at that

that app thing now i’m

gonna just look at that now can we do that

it depends it seems like

what happened with

the i think what you streams

thinking if that’s who he’s doing it

i think you

streams thinking if there’s a

ton of people that do the hashtag

then it’ll show up as a

trending topic

you know here’s

a good question salvia have you ever done it

brian’s done salvia you have

videos on did you have a

video already

i did it once

did you put a

video up are you doing it

what was that

like it was

super cool it was just sort of

tripping out

you’re on top of

houses looking

at people’s lawns or something like that i was

on my childhood lawn

and i could feel that reality here and the

other reality

went like this and then bent

right here the real reality

here and i was trying to like not make them overlap

cause then i

would never come back

so i was like no no

wait i’m not there

stop hold on how

incredible is this i

thought my face became carpet

and then it melted and tore off and then i went down a

water slide

and then i was like are you talking

about my face you talking

about my face

how crazy is that that’s legal

salvia is illegal well

in some places it is it’s actually turning illegal now

in a couple places

in florida yeah but there’s 50 states

florida how many of them are gonna make it illegal

i don’t know pretty fast though i think they just did

seven states recently or something

damn this is this the mark gaden whoever you are

this is mark gaden i’m gonna block you

is he annoying

yeah you talk too much

is that mark caden i don’t think so it’s a fake one

no it’s real

it’s real marketing

it’s real wow just like the cheaters it’s

real woman canadianlicia says were they all

on lollipops also the contestants

no i got the contestants high on meth

because you want

to have a good show you want to have a good motivated

group of people out there trying to compete so

they said it was common knowledge that the set supplied

no i’m making this what

hey have you ever seen

us kidding no one was on any drugs

ladies and gentlemen they were on

the screech

style book for you

to know we gave

diet coke and you can have a

water if you wanted that too or you

could have a regular coke if you don’t give a fuck

but no there was no no the contestants

weren’t on drugs

it was just

me i was on a little bit of weed

to try to get through the day

you’re seeing a

pussy with great pubic

hair yet in real life how not in real life of you no

really not yet

but one day that’s all we’re

gonna be seeing one day you

gonna be like why did you

start shaving your

pussy shut up

i wanna talk about

that green or gray tent

yeah it’s gonna always look

dusty oh no

what is that

you’re gonna be able to see the ingrown hair


of the knees and

and downward

elbows what other

mma rules we like to see on it

i don’t know you know i

think that should be up to a vote what they

should allow what

rules yeah knees on the ground

stuff like that i think in a certain

there’s a certain

part about knees on the ground and kicks or the cage

you can’t get away from them in certain

places if you get trapped up against the cage dudes are

gonna take damage that they wouldn’t normally take

whereas like if they did it in a ring

the thing about the ring is you could

slide out of that bitch yeah you can get your head

under it and just

avoid on the kick you could

roll with it instead of having to stop right on it yeah

you can’t get trapped there i mean you kind of can get

trapped in the turn buckle in the corner

but not the same

there’s openings all over the place

what about having a warning

track around the cage and you can’t kick

somebody in the head on the ground inside that warning

track that’s a good idea

that’s a real good

baseball ooh

look at you just thought of it that’s a real good idea

right there

ladies and gentlemen a warning track

around the cage

where knees on the ground are not effective

and so what you do is you grab

a guy you get him in a fucking hold and you pull them

into the middle so you can knee him in the head

nehem on the ground

maybe yeah that

would that’s actually a

smart move that

would make it really interesting no grab

more strategy

to that warning

track i think

people excited

about that too

you know like the knee of the knee

near the knee area

yeah people in

the middle is like oh shit it’s in the middle what’s it

gonna do we can’t go anywhere it’s

gonna be yeah

yeah and people talk shit

about he’s real

smart he stayed away from

the knee area i was

gonna fuck him up in that knee area

you scared my strength

so you don’t want to bang with me

didn’t want to bang

with me i don’t know fucking said he wanted to fight


do do do

this guy says in the past he broadcast with

ufc with guest announcers you find that

limits your broadcasting or messes with chemistry

now no you know

those guys were nice guys i did it once with

craig hummer and once with matt


they’re both nice guys very professional you know but

wilbur’s my

you know he’s a good buddy

we’re friends

we’re real good friends so i like having him around

it’s fun and i

think he’s excellent at what he does

that shit’s very hard

did i receive bill hicks live be frederick

thirty yes i’m a couple times live

some in la when

he was just

like just starting to be known

it was fun i saw a

clear room i saw him bomb

he went up after this

this really hacky guy and the guy was

doing all these like

impressions of different

cartoon characters smoking weed and it was just

he’s a nice guy but it was just really hacky

stuff when the audience was

eating it up

and hicks went on

afterwards with all this

george bush war

john davidson

coming out of oprah winfrey’s ass when oprah

winfrey’s on the

toilet no wasn’t oprah winfrey who was it

he would do it with a bunch of different people

anyway he has these

crazy fucking bits and social commentary and

the audience is getting up and

giant chunks

they were getting up like

ten fifteen people at

a time they left they abandoned him

and he was just eating it

on stage but

we were loving it

it was like me and maybe like

seven or eight

other comics what

he was bombing better than i’d ever seen anybody bomb

he was bombing like a champion

like he didn’t give a fuck

he’s taking a shit right he’s doing this bit where

i don’t remember who the he did want

sometimes used to do it with oprah winfrey i don’t

think that was oprah this time but it was like that

that she shits out john davidson

so i forget how the bit goes but it was a really funny

bit john davidson was the host of that’s incredible

yeah what’s that

maybe it was the

devil fuck john davidson

so anyway she’s in the middle

he’s in the middle of squatting down on

stage just making these

moaning noises like he’s taking a shit

and he’s doing it for like a minute he’s like

it looks up goes

yeah that usually clears room

and then he goes back to it and he didn’t

like without any

there was no feeling that he was self conscious

it was like a feeling like

yeah bomb and fuck it

it wasn’t like holy shit i’m bombing

it was like he was making fun of it and

it was awesome

it was it was really really interesting to watch

it was like the best i’d ever seen anybody bomb

but we like i said we laughed our asses off

and i seen him kill too

i saw him kill a couple times that

other common connection

with all his

jimi hendrix

when debbie gibson was famous jimi hendrix

running into debbie gibson at the mall

yeah it was really loud and it was

funny stuff

it was a lot like sam kennison

a lot like kennison

like you could tell

that they worked together you know

and dudes work

together as much as we try not to we pick up little

pieces of each

other styles yeah

yeah totally and it’s part of it is like

i don’t know it’s like

we all say powerful

right you know why why

so why do we all say powerful

because my friend

larry because

larry said power

larry was the original

powerful and

so you got to give credit to the original powerful

but everybody says powerful

you know it’s

out there too much yeah

it’s like it’s out

there it’s nobody’s now

never know what’s that mean

yeah exactly you get it’s not like people

are on and say that yeah

exactly rad is a perfect example

anything like that

there’s like

something that’s hot

it just becomes

a part of the vernacular huge

huge all that shit

dude it’s huge

and when that happens

but that’s the original

powerfuls larry

but anyway my

point is that

bill hicks and kennison

i don’t know

which came first the chicken or the egg

i don’t know who was

influencing who

i know kennison

was the godfather common in houston he was the guy that

made everybody want to do comedy he was the guy that

was the leader of the outlaws and hicks was

clearly like his underling

but if you look at like the writing

like hicks’s writing was so much different mm hmm

you know they

were so different you know when they when they

they both developed into

their own thing

yeah you know hicks always had to like say something

whereas kennison

was just fucking we’re here for fun

we’re here to

party we’re here for chaos

you know you got it with chemistry anyway

you got his take

yeah definitely

he’d have to say it he did it with jokes yeah

like i think that

that’s it life keeps fucking you in the ass yeah

oh it was like

wow you can’t say better how you really feel about life

can’t say better

that was an awesome one and the one on the

starving children

those commercials

come on that’s one of the

greatest comedy

bits in the history of the universe

when he’s doing that bit

about those kids starving

like what you

want me to feed him why don’t you feed him you’re

right fucking there

it’s like don’t feed them

shadow people like me

seven p seven people that are

gonna go there and tell you

that we wouldn’t have to come here

five thousand

miles with your

food if you people to live with the food is

you live in a desert

there’s no witchles

donuts the desert

come here come here


you know this is

that’s sand

it’s gonna be a thousand years now fucking sand

we got deserts in america too

we just don’t live in an asshole

and you go god damn

i mean when i

first saw that i was like that’s the

greatest comedy i’ve ever seen ever

it’s completely not caring

just didn’t give a fuck and there was no one like it

because i i grew up in like

when i first heard kenniston

i was living in the really conservative boston

really religious

everyone was either catholic or jewish

very conservative a lot of

angry people but also very conservative you

never heard shit like that nothing

never heard people

have the balls

to talk like that even when your friends are

around you’re all by yourselves

you don’t have the balls to talk that crazy

so to hear someone like that you’re like whoa

he changed comedy he’s one of

those guys who came along to change comedy carson yeah

there was nobody like that before him yeah he was a

total original

there was a young comedian special you see

i saw it was on a couple other guys

nelson or whatever this guy thing was

and it was like whatever that’s that type of guy

you see him come on you’re like oh

it’s all gonna be back from now on

it’s all they can’t

be away anymore yeah they’re fine

they were all good but he was just so raw

so so much energy

so much power and what he was saying made so much

was also real too

yeah it wasn’t like this is

there was the same one with bob nelson

put is that his name bob nelson

yeah and he put balloons in

it’s my impression of a football player and he runs

and it’s like

that’s that’s

you did but it’s not you yeah

it’s not it wasn’t as good

when canson did that joke about jesus

yeah you think jesus is coming back

i think the last words we ever

heard from jesus are oh oh not my left hand oh

that whole screaming

style that powerful

style i mean that’s my favorite kind of comedy

like joey diaz when he’s mad

when he’s fucking screaming at you

when he’s getting

fucking crazy five dollars for gas love ducks

fuck is kill some bin laden

i’ll kill george bush

i’ll fucking i’ll kill kobe bryant fuck you five

dollars come on

that was i like

her style i like them all

man i like them all

retarded shit i like that too but

i like them all man that’s that’s a beautiful thing

about comedy is you can’t tell someone how to do comedy

right right nobody can do it correctly there’s just

anybody’s got their own way

comedy is just a nutty fucking art form man

everybody’s got a different way of doing it and

every way it works

you know like

if mitch hedberg was trying to do his act like kinesin

that would be crazy

but if kinesin was trying to do his act like mitch

hedberg like what

i wonder if there’s any footage of old old missionary

right when he’s starting to open

mics when he’s trying to do like normal boy in comedy

and develop

it that would be really interesting to see

hey guys how you doing

well have you seen

larry the cable guy videos yeah right

that’s incredible

dan whitney yeah

that guy larry the cable guy

is the most successful

stand up comedian in the history of the world

no one’s even close

as far as live gate sales

he sells out like football arenas man really football

arenas like fifty thousand people

josh wolf opens for him yeah it does they get on a

giant stage in a fucking football arena dude

that’s crazy

he had pictures of it on his phone he was showing the

pictures he’s like look man this is the audience

you look at it and go

what the fuck yeah that’s like a world

you’re doing it for like you’re doing like a country

how do you connect with all those fucking people

tell your jokes

slowly i don’t know man do you

think you could connect with all those people no

no man you’d have

to be a lot powerful

charismatic motherfucker they

would have to really like you to connect with

people facial expressions are so far back it’s true

the only thing is that they

would have to have some big ass

screens i’m sure they’ll have that

but football arenas are primarily

their outdoor

things right uh huh

they’re never covered right

covered sometimes

they heated sometimes sometimes

sometimes they’re heated

if they’re indoors they’re heated

like at minneapolis the metricome

whatever it’s like thirty

below zero no they can have outside like

green bay have outside

thirty below zero

people go to the game never cancel football games god

damn that’s crazy

football games are

motherfuckers man when you see those guys

that one fan no shirt on

it up nuts man yeah

there’s something cool

about that there’s something if you want to talk

about a sport that really does represent america

that represents america

that’s a crazy ass fucking sport

they will play even if it’s pouring rain no rain out

this is not good yeah tough shit sunday yeah

it’s like in some

countries they have to deal with inclement weather

so much yeah no some

places have to deal with something we don’t have

nothing in california baseball it’s like it’s raining

it’s 73 degrees it’s incredible

isn’t that incredible

isn’t that incredible

they won’t even play in the rain

yeah it’ll be harder

they’re not even hitting each other with anything

you know those guys are snowed in

and they’re running into each

other full clip in the fucking freezing cold

remember remember like we were a little kid you

would fall when it was cold out it

would hurt so much more

well catch me football on the cold when

somebody whips in

oh fuck it hurts so bad i mean how cold

how much does it hurt when you get clipped by a fucking

gigantic three hundred

pound mind yeah

god that must be so painful

do you think we’ve reached the end of this program

let’s go eat something

turn it close

i think this is

about the end

we’ve determined that at two

hours in we usually

start getting boring

shit and rer shafir

got them munchies

hollow bank

we didn’t take that many questions but

hopefully we were

entertaining to you bitches but

sometimes the questions helped us go on to it yes yes

definitely well if it wasn’t for you guys we couldn’t

have done this obviously what did we do we just talked

o and a they’ll take a call to deal with it for a

while and they’ll go off until they

ready for another caller you know

they’ll just keep going

well we’ve been looking for something like this for

a long time we’ve been looking for something like this

like to do some sort of a

radio show and i’ve talked

about it like hey maybe

you know we

could all do like

death squad

radio or something like that

but really what i realized

that the best way

to do it is to do it like this do it on the internet

and we’ll have this

thing evolve

turn this room into like

a real like setup

where you can sit down and watch us

yeah and we’re gonna have

laptops set up so that we can play

videos like

you know like

hey there’s a

you know some

crazy new fucking animal attack

video can we

figure out a

way so that

when we do play

video just plug it in and then

the screen goes that no no

no next week we’re

gonna have it

completely different next week is when we’re

gonna have all that all that

stuff like video and

video we could have like

three people talking at once we’re just

he’s gonna have his internet and yeah done

yeah it’s done next week so we

just have to change the router next week’s show have a

bunch of fun shit

yeah well what we’re

gonna do is we’re

gonna keep doing this

every week and we’re

gonna like it’s

gonna expand and eventually

i think eventually the internet is

gonna make its way into your car

that’s what i

think it’s gonna happen

i think the internet

would podcast and

stuff like that like we aren’t making

mp3s of this

we should have

maybe we can because

we can still

make it yeah okay

well we’ll start making

mp3s and put it up as podcast because there was nothing

about this where you needed to see us

so we’re gonna do

shit like this and then

we’re gonna we’re just

gonna do a lot more internet

stuff really

what’s really good about

any sort of a

television show is the money a

and the fact that people now come out to see your

stand up which is what we’re always trying to work on

you know i mean if you’ve

never seen ari ari’s

fucking hilarious there’s

a lot of dudes that are out there that are headlining

these big clubs that

in my opinion

they’re they’re not as developed as

arias they’re not as

funny as arias but

aria doesn’t have that many credits

so it’s hard for

just clubs to book him

and then they assume that people are

gonna come out and see him

people come

out and see somebody because they know that guy from a

movie or from a

television show or whatever

but r is a filthy pig

and he goes on

stage in these auditions

and they say whatever you do don’t talk about rape

so what does ari

do he does seven

minute rape bits

which is a hilarious bit

but you know

like the reason why some dudes are

funny is also the reason

why people don’t find out that some dudes are funny

we have a guy that we know

that’s probably one of the funniest guys ever this guy

brian holzman

and no one knows who

brian holzman is because he’s so

crazy and he

should have hit big

he was the guy that like he was so crazy

we would always go into the back of the room and

watch him when he was a

real hatred

yeah and get so

angry and nutty and

every now and then they

break character just

and a nice guy to be around to when he’s

hanging around at the club who’s always friendly and

you know what i

would love to

see a reality show with brody stevens and him and they

lived together why brody was too sensitive he’d get mad

but wouldn’t that be great

no brody stevens and brent ernst no

no i think the holzman and

brody stevens together do

you think that

the following comedians

would be worthwhile for like a shit

like if you look at like

like the kardashians you have to end

up with the kardashians

real real i think it would be interesting

if you get them to have fucked up something

more what’s the appeal of keeping up with the

kardashians just that she’s got a fat ass that’s it

that was dumb

yeah they’re dumb yeah is that what it is

but a lot of people are dumb too

they don’t mind

well sort of you know they have some money

not not like paris hilton money there’s lots of people

could ask us

yeah but you just got to put one on tv

people become famous just because their ass the vita

guara chick

i know who she is

she probably doesn’t even know who i am

i know who she is why because of her ass

i don’t even know what her

voice sounds

like i know her face looks like joey diaz but she’s but

she’s only doing ass stuff she

sits on the

you know what she’s doing

but they’ll take

someone like what’s the name but okay you’re

you’re a tv star now jennifer

lopez how about that

famous because her ass

not really famous because her talent but

recognized because of her ass

that’s like one celebrity

everybody talk

if you talk

about jennifer

lopez you talk

about her ass there’s a lot of celebrities

that have great asses

and her feet

our feet are hot

you’re a fucking weirdo

god damn it

what’s up with people liking feet that’s a very strange

thing yeah very strange thing but

anyway we’re always trying to do something

fun where we

could all do it together and just hang out and

shoot the shit because we have these

conversations sometimes and we say man

you know this is way more fun than like

like a radio show why don’t we do our own

thing like this just

figuring out how to get it made is always the

bitch that’s always

the hard part but

this is easy

you know now

that there’s something like this we don’t have to

figure out shit

so we’ll do this

i think it’s a good creative outlet

like we have to go over what we said

today but there was some

funny shit that

could have been bits you know

because we’re just really did you have a 360 camera

360 of the whole room

multiple camera face each

other multiple cameras

cameras yeah i may have it

next we have it

set up so you

can choose which camera you are

so if it’s multiple cameras

can we have it so they set up to choose

which camera it is but everyone comes off one

sound feed right okay good

that’s awesome man

all right well that’s what we’re

gonna do ladies

and gentlemen

before square box

and just gonna do more the shit let you guys know

what the fuck is

going down this

sunday night

ari and i are at the nine

thirty club in washington dc

and it’s always old

stomping grounds

so if there’s

any you hookers out there with a itchy mouth

it has nothing to do with my own stopping ground

still willing but we’re gonna get scratched

nothing to do ari

ari’s been saying he really would like a blowjob

a trade show in dc

it’s a way we can honor our new president barack obama

and on that note

ladies and gentlemen

thank you very much for

tuning into our little youtube or

you excuse me you

stream you stream show

and we’ll see you next week and eventually

we’ll have a regular time that we try to adhere to

every week and it might

move around a little bit but for the most

part it’ll be like around now like wednesday afternoon

possibly tuesday if we

ever sub out

if i get started more on time

people get used like at

three it’ll be on you know

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