no sound is this song
jesus fucking christ
i should have known i couldn’t hear myself
well it’s record on here so the replays
the replays will have it nobody wants to
watch the replays god damn it
what is recap what a
hilarious clusterfuck
we’re gonna
meet that meet the audio
why am i beating the audio
because you hear me
let’s recap what we were talking about
well i’m very upset here
i just said some
genius shit probably
the most profound shit i’ve ever said in my life
anyway what
i said in the beginning the very beginning was that
i’m excited to do these
you stream broadcasts and i’m
excited that i decided to do it because
i like doing
radio interviews
i like doing tv interviews and that’s all fun
magazine stuff is fun but
it’s way cool to just be able to
talk to people and answer people’s questions directly
you know and it’s
it’s easy to get a weird
impression of someone you know seeing someone on
television you know
television represents you to a certain extent
you know it’s like a lot of
these guys in the reality shows they get
upset like television
doesn’t you know
it represents
you in little snippets and cuts you up you know
but the best way
to communicate with people for sure is the internet and
twitter and ustream
so combining the two of them together
what we’re doing is
we’re gonna i’m
gonna do this
every week the
thing behind me
while this bullshit behind me
that’s all gonna get
cleared out and we’re
gonna put up a
green screen so we
could have like
space behind us and shit
and we’re gonna have this
thing set up
at a little bit more natural
angle so you like looking
right at us
which makes more
sense right yeah you put it anywhere you want
to put right there
is that better you say i put it
right in the middle yeah yeah
move this motherfucker
this is the
i upgraded my internet i had some old ass dsl
it was pretty wack
and i got rid of it
today actually
totally had got it set up is this work now
yeah much better so
the the dsl’s gone and now i got cable and
cables fast as fuck so we’re gonna be able to air
videos and shit while it’s going on and
my mom designed my office purple shades bro what’s
wrong with purple it’s a beautiful color
you don’t like that color
it should be fucking
black dude with
skulls like your fucking shirt bro
there’s nothing
wrong with purple my friend it’s a beautiful
color and there’s brian see brian in the corner there
brian is actually right next to me
but he’s getting face fucked by that advertisement
you’re gonna get face fucked you
should move yourself up
hi i’m over here now can you move yourself up
right next to me
there we go that’s better because you’re not
gonna get fucked by that uh
no don’t go all the way up there right there no
right in the middle move over towards my head more
go this way
no this way nice
that’s brian brian’s
right next to me
anyway we’re just talking
about the internet
being an awesome it’s the fucking coolest
thing ever i mean to be able
to communicate with people directly like this to
be able to get the answers to any question at any time
to me it’s the
greatest fucking
thing in the world i
spend most of my day staring at a screen
reading stories
watching fucking youtube videos and
i swear i’ve
learned more
from the internet
more from just being on message
boards than i ever have
from you know
from other shit i’ve got into
all sorts of different subjects because of message
boards you know and
wound up you know
being fans of
musicians and comedians and
people i would have never
heard of it wasn’t for message boards
it’s like a
whole online
party i meet more people
online than i do in real life now fuck
yeah and i don’t just live in my
house i go out a lot
but it’s just more people interested in the same
things i like you
get to know them better on the internet
yeah well the internet
allows you when someone posts for a long time
especially a message
board community
you get to see how they interact with
other people you get to see what happens when you know
they’re challenged on
their ideas you get to see what
they’re made of you know it’s really interesting yeah
you would the way people
write is different than the way they talk
because people can
think they’re
slick and they
could try to bullshit you by really patiently
scribing out
their words but
they’re not
tricking you eventually eventually
that shit just comes out because they don’t realize
how douchey they are they don’t realize they
think they’re not douchey
but in your writing the douchey always comes out
it’s like this is your
expression is almost like a
printout of you
it’s like it’s
like you know like your dna or something like that
yeah you know
what i mean and plus google helps too because then you
catch a lot of people
oh yeah you know like
it’s the best
it’s the best
catch people wait
what are you talking
about check out these
photos yeah and
people love to talk shit
people love to pretend that they know things
nobody wants to pretend that they’re fucking clueless
you know everybody
wants to be the wizard everybody wants to be the
smartest man in the world
you know nobody can
just be a person you know it’s really interesting man
it’s real it’s real interesting
but people love to talk shit
and for the longest time they just got away with it
for the longest time
people can bullshit or get a text message from someone
just jump just coming in
from chandra
are you with joe so any chance of doing a
miami interview
tell that bitch
we’re doing a podcast
she should know
three to five is podcast
i say bitch with the highest
level of affection
it’s all just and fun
ladies and gentlemen so
what do we got here
see check out so have you seen any of the
photos or videos of the hurricane damage
you mean the earthquake in haiti
earthquake yeah no i haven’t seen that man heard
the cnn thing that i got on my phone
i get breaking important news stories on my phone
the last one i got before this one was that
simon cowell’s quitting american idol
mike you motherfucker
that’s awful news is it
awful news dude if you watch american idol
that’s the only point
reason to watch it is watch
simon bash people the things that he says i think
really yeah right now
what about ryan seacrest and his
beautiful hair
was he saying some brutal shit dude
genius yeah
he’s hilarious he’s one of the best
really okay i need to watch him
often i don’t have a good opinion of him
my my opinion of them is that is always mean to
these people that are trying hard to like and they suck
you know like you can’t
i mean i guess you can be mean but you know why
do it they’re all fucked in the head you know i mean i
think it’s kind of
funny but that guy puts out a lot of negative energy
well he’s just
blatantly honest
he’s like yeah he is blatantly
mean about it isn’t he
he’s not really mean he’s just so honest that it’s mean
you know what i mean like he’s really
interesting
what he says because like you’ll say oh he’s dead
right too he’s
dead right dead
right dead right hundred percent of the time yeah
i’ve only watched it like
literally twice
and one that i can remember
when i was so hot i don’t even know what
happened yeah but one i can remember and it was just
painfully you know
clueless people
who are just
trying to be like the shit you know and they get
out there and they don’t even know that they have no
talent whatsoever
right but i know so many people like that from
stand up comedy
you know we all know
dudes from stand up comedy who
never feel like they’re bombing
that you know
in the beginning i mean you’ve done open mike
nights you know what it’s like
there’s some people in open mike
night communities that are crazy
and they really
think they’re good
and they would love to
have an opportunity to do something like american idol
for stand up they
would get up there and go fucking
crazy and be
upset and just like
those american idol people are
they get fucking mad
i’ve seen some people they they
leave that simon cowell dude
and start fucking crying and wailing and
and yelling at him you don’t know shit simon
you know they get fucking
angry man black
women especially
right yeah i don’t even know if
black one especially
see two fucking episodes
what am i talking about
i saw a couple of
black broads get mad though
i’m not a huge fan or anything but
every time i see an episode i’m just
bawling how hilarious
wow so he’s
gonna do his own show called the x factor he’s
basically yeah with
paula duel supposedly
and so he’s pretty much gonna
leave yeah why not have paula abdul are they
stupid like she’s incompetent
yeah that’s part of the fun man
you need to pill that
bitch up and just
prop her up just shove a
broom up her ass and push her forward and get her in
front of the camera let her talk crazy
that’s part of the fun of the show
right isn’t it
yeah i think so
the little youtube clips that i would get like
people sent me one occasionally
like the one where
she said your first song it was really cool but your
second song i didn’t like
and they were like
he only just sang one song
like she’s so fucking
whacked out of it well you know why
right she was in a car accident
right right
and they’re
like real supposed if it’s like real pain right
oh well you know what happens man
you that’s what happened to karl parisian too
you know carprecian
got a real bad injury
and took pain pills really
yeah there the pain pills are a
motherfucker man i know a lot of
people that have had problems with pain pills you know
people with
anything sort
of a chronic problem will you have to take them
you know those
motherfuckers they’ll grab a hold of you
and it’s not just
you know the
weak or you know people like that the people have a
weird opinion of
people that get hooked on drugs
you know but i’ve met some
carl persians
you know i don’t know i don’t know
i’m just saying
i shouldn’t say carl because i don’t
think carl has a problem with him i
think carl has
some sort of an anxiety disorder
but i know that he had to take him
and it’s hard once you take him to get rid of him
i know a bunch of dudes that like need them
you know like people that have like
any sort of a back injury
debilitating back injury and that you get hooked on
those bitches and they get you through
the day i know a lot of people that just need that man
you know they need them
it’s just terrible and but what i was saying is
the the dudes that i know
that have had problems with pain pills a lot of them
like really
smart guys that went to college and they’re not
idiots you know why do you have that
thing in front of my face
i’m moving it
i’m just gonna show you this
video in a second
okay man but you can’t do that
it’s only been a second
i’ve seen this
i know i was gonna talk
about it okay but why do you have it in
front of my fucking face
i like looking at myself calm down
well nobody knows what the fuck you’re doing yeah
who cares it’s
a fucking webcast dude this is serious business
that’s great thing
i totally forgot what i was even talking about
what was i talking about
actually i was doing this you
motherfucker
you stupid bullshit tell me
ladies and gentlemen what the fuck was i just talking
about huh pretty crazy
about that dog though and i heard
that video huh
the dog in the
video that yeah
there was a dog that knew
about the earthquake before the people do
that’s cause people hear shit they don’t pay attention
the dog heard something’s probably what the fuck
and the person
was like what the fuck is that shit he didn’t
react and then it had
cause it was only like a
second before it there’s that
video right here
watch the dog it just
freaked out and ran i mean but it was a
while before even anything shook
alright let’s see it
again rewind it
here’s the dog
dogs chilling
dogs like what the fuck is that noise
okay we don’t know that that dude didn’t
react this is a
stupid video no
no no but this is the problem the dog took off running
but the guy you don’t see his face
the guy might have went oh shit what the fuck
and everybody is making it like the dog
heard this before anybody else i
think he felt something
because if you look at it but nothing’s moving at all
right but sometimes you hear
things before the earthquake
well you know that’s true
you know it
doesn’t really
start moving
until let me see again
yeah you’re right you’re right shit moving
maybe it made a sound yeah you’re right nothing around
and if there was a sound right a real rumble right
still see something
monitor or something
so the dogs like two seconds more than a person
but guess what we got thumbs faggot
go chase you down tail and sleep in dirt
all right what else were we talking
about folks we were talking
about some important shit and i forgot
about god damn
we got a lot of twitter must just coming in this bitch
that mark mcguire
thing that thing is hilarious
mark maguire is finally coming out and saying
that’s what we’re talking
about we’re talking
about people that are hooked on pain pills
right you know
when dudes get hooked
on pain pills like i said i know a guy who’s a very
smart guy he was an it
guy went to you know
went to college
really avid reader
not a fuck up
has a real problem
and that’s just what it is man
dudes dudes get injured something happens to you and
it just it chemically
bonds with your body i mean
it’s really incredible with it what addiction is
you know addiction is your body is somehow another
linked to something that’s really terrible for it
and it needs that something like it becomes
it’s almost like like heroin
and and crystal meth and
stuff like that that really locks a hold of your body
it’s almost like they’re parasites it’s almost like
the the drug
itself has a consciousness and the drug itself is
gonna make you
do it as much as you can and rob you of life
you know i mean
that’s one way to look at like horrible substances
that’s why when people talk
about drugs
you know and they like to lump all drugs in together
that’s so stupid
because marijuana
and mushrooms and
psychedelic drugs if done correctly
can be very
beneficial and
when they’re
over you don’t feel any repercussions you’re okay
they don’t hurt you
marijuana and
mushrooms and
things like that the natural
things that
people have been doing for tens of thousands of years
those things aren’t hurting anybody man
and they can’t get into your system
and if you lump them in with
oxycodones and fucking heroin and crystal meth
that’s ridiculous
no one is becoming a more
introspective fascinating person on crystal meth
they’re becoming fucking
crazy it’s like
we have to like look at drugs
in terms of what they do to the people that take them
and the things that do positive
things you can’t ignore that
just because they’re a drug
you’re not allowed to just say
oh because it’s an illegal drug
then all the benefits that people talk
about it those don’t
count they’re invalid
just because it’s not
sanctioned by a
group of fucking criminals
that’s ridiculous it
doesn’t make any
sense at all
and you know i’ve
lived my whole life like this
i mean it’s
2010 i would have thought by now
we would have come to some sort of a rational
understanding as
human beings
as we got to be
adults i thought we
would come to a
point where we
would sit back
and we would look at
things and go
what right do i
to tell another person
what to do or not to do
as long as he’s not trying to give it to
minors or people that don’t know any better
as long as people are educated let’s
spend money on programs
and make sure that people
don’t get involved in anything fucked up like this
and let’s pay attention to fucking children
schools i mean
the biggest problem this country isn’t laws and
crime the biggest problem is why are people creating
crime why are people doing
these terrible
things to each
other and 99 99
of all fucked up
things become out of a fucked up childhood
you have kids who have
either shitty fucking parents and
in the these fucking
children they grow up and they’re ticking time bombs
if you have a douchebag fucked up drug addict parent
and you live in a fucked up
place with no love
and every day you just see violence and shit and
screaming and
addiction and
sorrow and there’s no way out you don’t see shit
you don’t do well in
school i mean
what the fuck you know that is a ticking time bomb
and for politicians to not address that and to
spend all this
fucking time flying over to afghanistan trying to
chase down a hundred taliban
fighters in the mountains and
young people are
dying over there for that
how about we
spend that money attacking the fucking
enemy at home
the enemy at home is
horrible fucking childhoods
that some of our fellow
human beings
in this country
have to go through
you know what we really need to do is
focus on fucking kids
focus on children
that are growing up in terrible neighborhoods
focus on fucking
schools and community centers and giving these
kids somewhere to go to when
their parents suck
you know focus on a
bunch of people that want to help
raise kids that come from terrible situations or
help the parents
understand what
the fuck they’re doing raising children and making
these kids fucking psychos and
giving them horrible
childhoods you know and
literally setting
loose a bomb
setting lose someone who’s eventually
gonna turn all
their inward
anger outward another people all
their pain and resentment and all the negative
input coming into them as a child
you know that shit is fucking terrible
you deal with a
child that comes
from a positive loving environment and you’re
gonna deal with a cool
human being
that’s human beings
gonna come out of that and
gonna appreciate
other people
that’s our number one problem
as human beings our number one problem as
human beings is the way we don’t
appreciate each other
the way we look at each
other is competition
the way we look at each
other is just
people that are on the highway in my fucking way
human beings have to
learn to appreciate each other
and we need to
learn how to
deal with the fucking very obvious shit that we ignore
instead of pretending there’s some
incredible assault on the
human race here in america
you know maybe we
should look on
where this is the real
crime coming from
where are the real murders coming from
where’s the real
anger and violence
and the shit that affects day to day people
every day it’s not in the fucking desert okay
it’s not in
the fucking mountains of afghanistan it’s in cities
it’s all over the place
it’s it’s children growing up and
becoming fucking criminals that’s way scarier to me
than some douchebag in afghanistan
you know it’s it’s nonsense
yeah someone
said carl and pills yeah that’s something carl’s
training partner said
but like i said i don’t know if it’s true
all i know is that he’s
he’s always been a cool dude to me carl
parisien is a
great fighter
and he’s got some unfortunate situations and i hope he
works him out i like that dude i like that dude a lot
he’s good people
and he’s a bad
motherfucker
one of the best judo
guys to ever enter
mma you know he
he opened people’s
eyes to a lot of shit that was possible
because before karl
nobody was hitting like
those beautiful fucking
throws he hits
these beautiful
shoulder throws and hip throws and
his his judo
like back when
he fought like dave strasser like when was
first ufc bounce
incredible judo
you know and it’s that’s a
whenever you get a guy who steps into mma
and has some totally
something that
he’s really really good at that most people aren’t
like like machida with karate
like people thought well karate is not that good karate
doesn’t really work
until machida came along
and machida
so good at karate
that he makes karate
work in mma
you know obviously he knows
wrestling and obviously he knows all the other
stuff that goes with mma
which is why he’s such a champion
but the bottom line is his karate
his ability to move backward i mean he
fights like a fucking john claude van dam movie
and it’s pretty badass to watch
you know because
until the shogun fight
really didn’t take
hardly any damage
what do i think
about the united arab emirates
buying to zhufa
well i know that the guy who is behind it all is
chic tak moon of
abu dhabi and that guy is a huge
fan of mixed martial arts and he’s
incredibly incredibly wealthy so
you know that guy can he can do a lot of good
things for mma
that guy he is a brazilian jiu jitsu black belt
under henzo gracie
and by all accounts he’s legit
by all accounts he’s a really good black belt
and henzo is
one of the most respected instructors in the world
if henzo gracie gives you a
black belt that’s a huge honor
so that sheiktok
knew in the fact that he’s a henzo gracie black belt
i know he’s been having people
travel to abu dhabi for years for over a decade
since the late 90s
and he had some of the best instructors in the
world that would come and stay with him
and he had a
whole camp there and he’d
bring guys and have guys to
train with i mean
dude is just the jujutsu
fiend just i mean like more than
way more than me you know
like i mean think
about how much i love jujutsu
and this guy is like
you know he’s
just like he loves it and he has unlimited resources
so having a guy like that
as a business partner in the ufc i
think is gonna be
phenomenal for the
sport i don’t
think there’s any question
that guy is
gonna without a
doubt that guy’s
gonna help out
it’s gonna be
interesting to go there that dude lives in a castle
like a fucking
some old school
out you know
alibaba type shit right yeah
is he the one with all the paintings
no who is the guy that know
the chic has like
i think that that
royal family is
worth like some insane amount of
money like they’re one of the most
the richest people in the world
how about that if one of the richest people in the
world dude is a fucking
train killer
do i think talk to him
is gonna take an active role like dana
white i have no idea
all i do for the ufc is the commentary
you know i mean i talk to
those guys they’re my friends but
obviously have no no
influence whatsoever on the business side of
things it’s just my job to
call to action it’s a really pretty fucking
crazy gig you know
you know for me it’s like a perfect job because i’m a
huge fan of
mixed martial arts like for real like i’m not
i don’t watch
like when i watch the different shows like k1 or
sen goku or
you know dream or or
strike force or anything like that
when i watch
those shows i don’t watch those shows
for work i don’t i don’t you know i don’t get on the
underground and
mix martial arts com or
you know read all the bloody
elbow read all
these different websites and do it just for fun
i would have done it even if
i would have done it
even if it wasn’t my job
i’m just a huge fan like
professionally
and i’m very lucky
you know it’s pretty
crazy gig man
it’s a lot of fun
it’s cool too because
we get to go to the
fights and you know be there live and be
right in front of the
cage i mean it’s just like there’s nothing like that
what do you think of the last ufc
some good fights man
did you see it
that evan dunham dude how badass is that guy
and he got tagged in the first round
the first round
you know f frame was all over him
and then evan dunham
survived and pulled off that that fucking
armbar was so badass
the way he did it was like it was so wicked did he
break his arm at all
no he did not break his arm he fucked up his tendons
so lucky for him you know
it was a the problem is man if
the way that arm bar happened
see how his arm like he was bending it
completely at the joint
the scary kind is the way frank muir
broke tim sylvia’s arm
because he actually
broke the middle of the forearm he
broke the forearm in half
that’s the scary shit that takes forever to heal
and it’s usually not the same
i like i don’t think you know i think you
break your arm like that man like that’s a serious
fucking fracture
like in the middle i think if you bust up a joint
they can put that together a little bit easier
you know fake arms and now by now you like
metal arms or bones or something
i don’t think they can
i think they they do hips
and they do knees but once you get a knee
that’s a wrap
you ain’t doing no jiu jitsu yeah
well this dude named connor connor hume
he’s one of
eddie’s top students
a real high
level wrestler
and his dad was a
wrestler and his dad got a hip replacement
and his dad
still does jiu jitsu and
fights in tournaments and dudes like 50
it’s incredible
you know but
he has a hip replacement but he’s a fucking psycho
he’s a stud
you know the average
person you get a hip replacement and that’s a rap
you know remember
that dude from the sopranos used to walk fucked up
the fat guy who turned out you know he’s gay and the
sopranos and he had that weird walk
do you remember that guy
what was his name um
i don’t remember
that guy’s character how did he die i can’t remember
so they killed him
remember he was gay
right how how did
they murdered him i
think they’d shoved like a fucking
a broomstick up his ass or a plunger
remember pq
that’s right a
pulq of his ass
yeah that’s
right because he was selling a line of pool cues
after that the dude
tried to sell a line of pool cues
a cue to die for
it was like the bottom
break it was like a
break stick
that was ridiculous but sopranos told him to
knock it off
how hilarious is that as a dude it’s a
marketing sense
i got killed a pool cue
all show down those
motherfuckers and they
sell pool cues
sells pool cues
because they killed him with one of the sopranos
greatest show of all time
right yeah oh i miss it
even though it kind of got slow near the end but i
still missed
you know i got into battlestar galactica
for a while i liked that up
until the last
season but the last
season i just didn’t give a shit
about lost is the only
thing that really got me
like this season i’m
still really pumped up to see what the fuck is
going on because i
watched lost i didn’t
watch it at all for like the
first whatever
seasons there were
the first three or four
seasons whatever it is
how many seasons have they done uh
seven have they really
well i watched all of them from the beginning
to the end all of them on dvd
which is the shit
if you’ve managed to
avoid like already did that with the sopranos
he didn’t leave his fucking house
already stayed home for like weeks
and just watch the sopranos dvds
watch the whole series
to the end have you ever done that no
only with lost
but i caught up
to the ones that were on the dvr last year
i did like the
first three
seasons the sopranos that way
oh yeah two
seasons of us
dexter i did that way too
whole first season
but dexter’s another one
last year i was like yeah
this year rather as soon as i
started watching i was like
i’m not in this anymore
i watch some dude killing people
yeah after a
while i’m like okay
where are we
gonna go with this
you know you
gonna keep getting away with this
i’m gonna keep seeing you kill the bad guy
every week really
come on man this is silly
did you see that
breakdancing robot
yes i did how awesome
how about that fuck
robot that they created
did you see that yeah that’s
gross did you see
jimmy kimmel last
night no i didn’t see it he was
dressed up as jade
i heard it was hilarious oh
they were talking
about how stern
here i’ll show you
right now oh we’re
gonna see this
jimmy kimmel
dressed up as
as jay leno
the fucking wars the war
the war for late
night listen fuck late night
the internet is
where it’s at
ladies and gentlemen
this is the real
connection to
human beings these
silly shows
where you sit down and
you know ask
some fucking 16 year old kid what our new cd is
you know hey so i
understand you got a new show out oh
that’s terrific
who gives a fuck
about all that
stuff it’s just
you’re just on their
other there’s just people on
their pimpin things
people pimpin
movies and occasionally
someone gets
their dick sucked by some
crazy cooker something like the hugh
grant interview
and you get an interesting interview
or the other dude that
the what’s his name
joaquin phoenix
that showed up all fucked up
what happened to him is he
still fucking
crazy i don’t know but letterman is the best for
taking advantage of
those situations
yeah joaquin
phoenix either was playing a character he
might have been just doing it for a goof
you know i can
see him doing some people are saying it’s real
there’s just gone just he’s
completely gone
it’s not hard to do
if you were
a person who wanted to be famous
and you know your
whole life you’ve wanted to be famous and
you have this need this
hyper need for attention and then all of a
sudden it happens to you
like holy shit
you know i’m
lucky that the kind of fame that i got
like always was
especially the fear factor
fame was like
ridiculous fame
you know like no one’s kissing your ass for fear factor
yeah you know people come up to you from fear factor
like what the fuck dude
and i was like yeah i know
what the fuck
but it’s not like they love
you know if you’re
like an actor or something like that and you’re in some
crazy movies like that guy
is the kind of adulation that guy must get is insane
you know and if it was already
crazy to begin with
that just when when
crazy people
all of a sudden have money
and people kissing
their ass you know
crazy people are supposed to be like suppressed
i just put the
crazy people you supposed to see them
but hey fuck
head you’re
crazy but that
doesn’t work
like on the tv show or a movie
because once you become crazy
it doesn’t matter if you’re a star they let you be
crazy so you’re just fucking hog wild and
doing blow and
punching people and
they try to
protect you as much as possible because you’re the
goose that lays the golden egg
and that’s what happens
to a lot of actors that’s why they get fucking nutty
so what is this video here
wait jay leno
okay this is
jimmy kimmel
from last night i
guess he was making fun of jay
leno dude not only
was he making fun of he even did bad jokes let’s see it
and they can hear us too while this is playing yeah
i gotta watch it over here because this
stupid thing is on a delay look how much the delay is
video and video is tight sir
you are correct chad sparks
oh wow this is hilarious he’s got makeup on and
everything oh my god
he’s the best in my opinion
i know and let it here bobby
known that i’m taking over all the shows in late night
give me music great to be here on abc
oh my god hey cleto you know what abc stands for
i know man i don’t always bump conan
conan o’brien today announced he is leaving nbc
release the statement
today that says i won’t participate in the destruction
of the tonight show
fortunately though i will
oh no
jimmy kimmel tonight he’s gone
jimmy not here anymore
don’t worry jim you’ll
be fine i hear he picked up an endorsement deal with
jenny craig
oh god here and here’s him with chevy chase
let’s let’s let’s just talk to people all right
why don’t we keep playing videos
what is this one this is made headlines headline
okay we find a headline from the paper and then
we prevent them to you viewer and our first headline
i like the list behind
me here vehicles may and drunken driving
yes and cigarettes man lung cancer
oh my god he’s killing him he does four of them
i should show you this one this is um here we go
human service worker
i wonder they usually hire robot service workers
oh my god oh my god he’s murdering them
i like that first
free ear piercing
with the repair of your formula free ear piercing
isn’t that what got you in trouble in the first place
this is last okay last at first just for real
oh my god
maltese beautiful flowy and very very cuddly flowy
named after the famous pilot flowy flownberger oh no
wow that was brutal
we’re on like a 15 second delay
yeah is that in case we commit suicide yeah
it’s just probably
what i’m doing over here it takes like 15
seconds to see what’s happening over there
so if like you’re watching someone
and a video and a werewolf is like standing over them
by the time you see that that motherfucker’s dead okay
people try to joe behind you yeah
that werewolf
fuck that dude up a long time ago
there’s a big ass delay here i wonder if like
you know there’s someone
watching all the controversial
u stream ones
and they don’t have a delay
and they’re like
right there
with a finger on the button if you do something nutty
cause then the guy commits suicide on on a web web show
a guy committed to a tv
all on time
they could kill themselves
yeah all the time now i’ve
heard like at
least two people i think
well that’s not all the time that’s a hoax
two is not too
big you know when
the community’s not you know what we
gotta do man we
gotta do headphones
that way we
could listen to ourselves and make sure that the
sound is good and i’m
watching the
sound makers now
i’m watching them now what happens you
watching meters
yeah you crazy
motherfucker
i’m glad we got this
microphone too this is a perfect
microphone right
cause it picks up
everything totally
you could probably
press pause and then refresh your
browser if you
wanna and then double
catch up yeah
really you think so
oh you’re right you
motherfucker
the mark gaden
wow that’s mark hayden
do you know
who mark hayden is yeah it’s one of the best
comics ever i don’t
think it’s real anymore come on man that’s him man
dude he’s been saying some
crazy shit i guess
he’s one of england’s
the pride of england
he’s pretty funny
it’s not funny well
funny looking haha
he’s um you don’t
think he’s genius
huh you don’t get it i don’t get
it you don’t get the material
i just think that
i can’t understand a word he says
hey oh look
check this guy
david galway
g o e w e y
says i’m up at 3 48 am
in abu dhabi
now answer some questions joe
will fuck yeah dude
i’ll ask some questions you’re up at
four o’clock in the morning and you live in abu dhabi
i got some questions for you sir
what’s it like over there man
i hear that’s
all like fucking everybody’s got a ferrari
it’s like like one of the richest
places in the world
i’ve heard it’s fucking crazy
is that true
institution real
legal there
i don’t think prostitution is but i
think if you’re like you know
some sort of a baller character i mean i
think they just ignore it i mean the way it happens in
dubai is like all the hookers just go there
they just know
all the rich guys are that rich guys go to dubai
so the hookers just come from
everywhere i
think they just ignore it
you know i don’t know though i don’t
think it’s legal
is there any questions on your message
board but i don’t i’ve
never been either
we’ll go to the message board
shortly but
i want to i want to see what this guy has to say
it is sweet he says
david would
david you just
chilling in abu
dhabi what do
you do out there man what do you do for a living
in abu dhabi
do you have a ferrari do they give you one
you get your driver’s license they hand you a ferrari
would you like the yellow or the red ferraris
you can get a black one too if you know some money yeah
all right i’m gonna go to some questions here
let’s do two girls one cup
video and video this guy says
yeah i was thinking about
has anybody not seen two girls one cup though
i was really gonna shit a horse one
oh do you guys
wanna see mr hands we can’t do that
we can’t do that we can’t do that
that would be us broadcasting
of abc okay but then we can’t show the shit eating one
either can we no we can’t do anything like that oh okay
be automatically banned
all right listen
folks this is
gonna we’re
gonna do this for a little bit but eventually we’re
gonna move over to my website so i
could show you guys getting fucked
death by horses
and people eating shit
i did not know that i was not able to show
those type of videos
well this is not gonna last
they let us say whatever they want
whatever we want but we can’t show you whatever we want
which i don’t
think it’s gonna
any of the stream websites you won’t be able to
okay well we’re
gonna have to talk to you
stream see if we
could go and say
yes to that no
no one will
yeah because even if you say like if you
click on something saying that you’re 18 and over
we don’t have that now do we
do we have that now
where they have to
click on something that says they’re 18 and over we
should have that i
think that’s possible i think
the eastern people probably put that on there
well they should
definitely do
that i don’t want any little kids getting any shitty
ideas i don’t want to have to explain anything to you
it’s not that
i’m just telling you anything that’s not correct
it’s just that i don’t want to have to
sit down with you and go over the way the
world really works it’s too much work god damn it
this guy says alexander road says he
heard his ferraris just abandoned in the
street that’s what i’m talking about man
those motherfuckers
got money it’s like what is that 2007
they just pee on it
throw the keys aside
they give them away at goodwill
and razor phones
everywhere you’re mowing the lawn and there’s
razor phones just flying out hitting golf
back in the day
right i don’t think they have lawns man
our desert i would like to see them
maybe they do maybe they turn into
i think they’re gonna have an outdoor fight there
really i heard the place is really
scary the middle
east is a strange land man it’s a strange land
very different
yeah for the people that
want to see mr hands and want to know what i’m talking
about go to
two guys one horse
one dot com
two guys one
horse dot com
is the video that i wanted to show you but i can’t
because you
streamer a bunch of pussies i
guess they want to make money
they don’t want
advertisers
pulling out like they do with
tiger woods
poor poor poor
tiger woods that fella
i went to the airport and they
still have his posters up for accenture
one of the first companies that
dropped them
and one of the posters is
tiger looking like you know contemplating a shot
and it says something like
it’s what you do next that counts
i put it up on my
twitter page i’m like man how fucking telling is that
did he ever have a fucking
inkling of a clue
that that’s what was
gonna happen when he put that
picture out
and people are like people
freak out about the
tiger woods
thing like that he’s a terrible person he said
yes it’s not the best
thing to do i
agree but that guy is an un
handsome he’s
an unfortunate looking guy he’s very unfortunate
looking and
he’s a fucking billionaire
he’s like a
super super rich dude
i bet it was impossible
for him to say no to all his chicks
you know i mean if you
think i mean
obviously he was a
pussy hound
i mean there’s no getting away from that
but to be like that guy
you know and they have all these tens
and they’re chasing
you down and they don’t even care if you’re married
and they’ll fly to
other countries to hang out with you
holy shit you know
it’s like a rock star
he’s totally like a rock star
and it was like yeah well then you shouldn’t be
married i totally
agree i’m not defending him in any
way he’s more of a rock star most rock stars don’t have
their own beverage
they don’t have their own
clothing line
that dude’s fucking
crazy yeah people love that
stupid ass game
they love it
especially business people
if you want to get down with business you know
i’ve heard a lot of people say that if you want to be
successful in business that you
literally have to
learn golf like you
literally have to
learn it if you don’t
learn golf they hit refresh on the screen i
show you to see you can see what’s there
what’s going on what’s going on
it’s sad just
picture that picture you’re talking about tire woods
what’s wrong with this thing
i don’t know
i mean you stream you’re sucking it i would dummies i
would close your firefox and open up like in
safari or what chrome
maybe have too much shit open no
there goes i see
there goes the pictures up filing
see that’s much the much of a delay
so like i said
if you see a werewolf behind me and you hear that
believe me i’m already dead okay
just be kind to me on the message boards
people are brutal
about artie
lang man that was really sad to see
how many people were brutal
after artie
lang try to commit suicide
by calling them
people just like that suicide shit
right i know but it wasn’t just that
it was it was
they were they were insulting him like it didn’t matter
you know you know like that he’s weak and he’s a
piece of shit
like i said
about where i talked
about the people that i know that have
had problems with pain pills
it’s not like
you know the guy likes to jerk
off he jerks off too much like that guy you need to
smack him in the head what the fuck is
wrong with you
you lost your job because you jerk off five times a day
you know there’s dudes like that
they’re like they miss jobs they show up late for work
just cause they’re
like chronic master bears they wake up in the morning
they have to beat off they don’t beat off they’re
gonna go crazy
like they get
that’s a dude that’s got a problem that guys
he needs a smack in the head
people that are like compulsive
gamblers that’s a compulsion and that’s like
there’s a problem
and your pattern of thinking
there’s a problem in the way
and i’ve been compulsive
about many things in my life i
understand i
understand the
thinking behind it
but that can all be corrected
you just need to
learn how to
think correctly
there’s a big difference between that and like heroin
and oxycontin
and math and
people to get addicted to shit that shit’s real
that’s real
you know so to to get
to shit all
over someone because they’re addicted to a drug
man it ain’t
easy to kick that you don’t you know
unless you’re doing it
unless you’re deep in the
throws of heroin
you can’t talk shit
and if you have been and i haven’t
so i can say nothing but i’ve talked to people who have
i i had a friend who died from heroin
i i knew a couple people that died from heroin
and the one that i knew
he was he was a real real
smart guy he was he was a cool dude
he just couldn’t stop it
i don’t you know i don’t i
think some people bond to those
dangerous drugs and you’re fucked
so whatever happened with him
already laying was
every time i met that guy’s always been cool to me
and that’s that’s how i
judge people he’s always fun to be around friendly
jovial he’s
i think he’s hilarious
he’s just he’s a nice guy
you know and to me it just made me sad
and maybe just a sad that people were
willing to shit on this guy because he
tried to kill himself
but you are
right people get mad when people try to kill themselves
you know and
especially when
people have a much better life than them
you know i mean that was the argument that i
heard over and over
again about arty
like this fucking guy you
know what are his
problems he’s got a mercedes and you know he’s rich and
all true but that
doesn’t make you feel better unfortunately
you think it
would but it doesn’t
if your life sucks
your life sucks and
it really has nothing to do with you being rich or poor
rich can definitely help
things because you don’t have to
worry about your bills and you
have less problems you have a little bit less stress
but then you got problems with your
money and investments and people
stealing from you and bullshit you know
yeah you have problems all over the place
definitely better to have it than not but
the bottom line is just because you’re successful
doesn’t mean you’re
happy there’s
a lot of people that are fucking hardly hard
hardly depressed and they
they sit around
thinking what the fuck is the purpose of this life
you know and
the real problem is that’s a
good goddamn question what is the purpose of this life
if you’re not here for
other people
what are you here for
because realistically
you get to a certain
point in your life like artie and i are
basically the same age
i’m 42 and i believe he is too
and you know you get to a
point where
you’re like you get all this gray like i have gray hair
on my beard and on my balls i have like 20 gray hairs
gray hair is coming in here
i mean this is like you know
your body’s dying
so at a certain
point in time you
gotta go what
the fuck is the purpose of all this what am i here for
you know and if you don’t have like a relationship
you don’t have someone you love
you don’t have
really good friends that you love and you love to be
around you don’t have a family you don’t have children
you don’t have someone that you
mean something to and someone that you feed off of each
other and you
share energy and
you make them feel good and they make you feel good and
they miss you and you miss them
and that’s very very very very important for people
and people just
underestimate how huge that is
you know having friends and having family
and having like good quality people in your life and
not douchebags cut the douchebags out
that is so important because
nothing can fuck your life up more than people who
are not looking out for your best interest
and want you to fail because they’re fucked up you know
try to let them
aware of it let them be
aware of it
give them an opportunity to change and if they don’t
get rid of them cut them out of your life
so important
just separate yourself from anybody negative that’s
gonna fuck with you
that can make
such a huge difference in the quality of your life
you know and then of course
get the fuck away from drugs the bad ones
don’t fuck around with heroin
don’t fuck around
with math don’t fuck around with anything dangerous
if you’re gonna do something
do do things that people have
never died from
and make sure
you know what the fuck you’re doing before you do it
you know don’t go
crazy and smoke the
whole joint the first time
you know you’ll shit your
pants in paranoia
you’ll freak the fuck out
you’ll probably
never gonna get high again
the first time you ever get high you
should just get a little
tiny bit high just a little take a tiny bit of a hit
and get used to it you know okay
it’s like it’s like riding a surfboard
you can’t just hop on you’ll be awesome at it
you know the
feeling of being caught up in the wave of thc when
when when you get
really high it’s like you’re connecting to like
another frequency that
it’s not available to you when you’re sober
and that’s what people who don’t
smoke marijuana don’t
understand there’s an
awareness an
opening of your mind i mean i’ve had explained to me
chemically about
gaba and dopamine and all the different
things that go on there was a recent threat
about it on my message
board where people are talking about the
effect of it
but the bottom line is it does something to the way you
think and it opens up new
levels of awareness
and if you get too much of that
you’re gonna
freak the fuck out and that’s called being paranoid
but what paranoia
comes from is this is probably the first time
you’re recognizing reality
you know you’re
a very vulnerable person we all are life is is
you know it’s a transient
experience it’s gonna
it’s you’re
gonna pass from this to something else
maybe who knows
who knows what the fuck this is in the
first place
who knows what the
ultimate goal of the
human race is
in the first place
you you just live your life and go through it and
you put your
blinders on
and when you have a hit of some really good weed
those blinders just fall down around you
and you realize like wow
i’m this fragile
fleshy little temporary being
that’s clinging to this
spinning orb
as it’s flying through the galaxy
and people are sitting around talking
about john and
cade and and
and fucking
miley cyrus and nonsense
and while this is all
going on we’re hurling through the galaxy
and it literally is
never discussed you know and i have a bit
about it you can see it on youtube i think
somebody put it up
it’s from my
shiny happy
jihad cd it’s
about flying through
space but that’s what we are i mean
we’re just animals clinging to
a sphere in eternity
in this gigantic sea
of eternity
sea of space this
never ending
thing that we’re a part of but we
completely ignore
and we focus in the most
mundane bullshit
like tiger woods fucking all
these girls
you know and like what else what are the
other dumb shit that people been
focusing on lately in the news
i don’t know but i
think why people
focus on so much of it is because
you know they need something
it’s like kind of
watching the same
movie over and over
again you know you need constant new information and
stuff like that you know
like i understand what you’re saying like
about the whole
thing but i
think that’s why so many people
focus on the dumb shit because the the
it’s new shit you know that same
thing you think that yeah
that’s a good point
so like what you’re saying is that
the reason why people
focus on like
tiger woods and
stuff like that is just because it’s new information it
doesn’t matter
we’ve been in
space for so long and nothing happens
and you look
up you see stars blah blah blah shut the fuck up
right it’s like if having the same cell phone
would you have the same cell
phone for 10 years or
if tiger wood
cell phone came out
would you get the
tiger wood cell
phone that’s a good
point i think
brian’s on to something
i think i mean it makes
sense because
you know people are we do really we have this
push for new
things and innovation and it’s literally
built into our hard wiring
right which is why you can take a guy with the hottest
chick in the
world and he
doesn’t want to fuck her anymore
like you get
tired of fucking the hottest
chick in the
world and that really is true
you know that can happen yeah if you look at life the
wrong way and that’s one of the
other things that’s awesome
about weed if you
smoke weed and you fuck your
girlfriend like
if you don’t usually do that
it’s like you’re fucking a new person
it’s like you
appreciate her all for like who she is and what she
what she looks like you
appreciate it all over
again it’s really
weird man at
least for me
do you feel like that when you
smoke weed and
get with your lady yeah
when you smoke weed get with your lady
my lady doesn’t really
smoke weed so it’s not really that fun well mine can’t
right now because she’s pregnant with me bambino
so have you played with the nexus one yet
no i have not
you’re not a fan huh
nah not really
brian michael tech review ladies and gentlemen
the main problem is if you have something
like we both have iphones and you have facebook
and twitter and all
these applications
i’ve had droid why have an inferior version
yeah all of them in
the facebook on the
droid sucks the twitter on the droids not as good as
twitter to you know
everything is just
yeah i have the
blackberry and i have uber twitter on it
you know i use
i have an iphone but i really use it more of as like a
like a laptop that i keep in my pocket
that’s really what it is for me because
the bottom line with the iphone is it’s on at amp
t and at amp
t sucks when
when i’m talking to people on at
t i can guarantee is
going to cut out
three or four times before i get wherever the fuck i’m
going when i
driving my car
i love the fact that i can have both hands on a
steering wheel
and i can just talk
you know and i’m having conversations and i can
you know do business and answer questions and
catch up with old friends that i don’t have a chance to
catch up with
i love that man that seems
huge to me to me
that’s one of the most important features of
communication the ability to fucking talk to somebody
i don’t like text messaging just back and forth
after a while man you like
i wanna hear your fucking
voice you know
that’s the way
i like talking to people you know it’s fun
you know you can get
things out you feed off of each other
you know it’s a
volley you’re
going back and forth
so if your fucking
phone can’t make
phone calls
that’s weak
yeah that’s weak shit so
i use a blackberry with verizon
no one’s paying me to say this
but the reason why use a blackberry
it’s because we do
ufcs in the uk
and the only way you can get
a phone that works overseas you got to get a
world phone
because we have two different
systems here in america we have cdma
and gsm and gsm is
t mobile and at amp t
and cdma is
sprint and verizon
and there are two totally different types of signals
well in other
countries most
other countries don’t use the cdma
which verizon has
but it’s the best in america
in america it’s the shit
it’s way better i mean
when i drive to
jiu jitsu i
would lose people
three times with my at amp t phone
three fucking times
would drive me crazy
but my verizon
right there
it never drops off for a
second it’s so much better
but the bottom line is this shit is wack
this phone is like
an iphone from
20 fucking years ago that’s what it’s like
it’s like some cheap
knock off you know like some
third world country
you know where they make fake
watches and shit like that they try to
knock off cameras are pretty nice the
flashes are pretty nice yes
yes the cameras dope
the flash is very good
the video is excellent yes
threaded texting
the video is excellent
it’s not bad to type on
the typing this is the new one the
storm 2 the double
clicking is not bad
that one is
dropping the toilet
yeah it’s dropping the toilet
this was right next to my poo
let his job
yes totally
i was at the 9 30 club in washington dc
by the way i
had a good fucking time down there dc people
thank you very much for your hospitality
awesome awesome show i had a great time
but anyway i was at the
9 30 club this friday night
and i was pooing
my my pre performance poo poo
and i got up and this
phone cause i was called a
piece of shit commit
committed suicide and dove
from my pocket
into the shitty toilet it’s like i’ll show you who a
piece of shit is
trying to kill data i know what it’s doing
because it knows that i
haven’t backed up in a couple of weeks
i was trying to
i got some cool
pictures and
videos on here
and this motherfucker is trying to kill himself
and so i got it out and
shook it and
shook all the
water out but
i dried it with a hair dryer and the
bitch came back i mean
it’s it’s great
it works probably
tired of listening to your shit joe rogan
it’s terrible for anything else
when you try to go on the internet you want to
shoot yourself
you try to use
the twitter function on here it’s so clunky
and wack and typing is
much it’s okay to type like text
but when you have to type in numbers
you have to like really concentrate
this little tiny ass keyboard
where the numbers are and you’re always fucking up
like when i have to give someone if i’m
answering an
email and i have to give someone a dress or a
phone number
it takes five fucking minutes because i
barely can push down the
three i’m also i’m always getting the number
right next to it
it’s really weak and annoying
so the iphone is shit it’s just
so goddamn far above
every other
phone out there it’s not even
close if you’re thinking
about you want one
phone if you only had to choose between one phone
you gotta go
with the iphone but if you can afford to have two
phones the iphone is
great for like a little computer
to me it’s huge
for pictures and twitters and applications and
going i would probably wait
until after the
apple announcement in two weeks though
just in case if there’s a verizon iphone if there’s
a verizon iphone i’ll fucking jump for joy but i don’t
think there’s
gonna be one we
think that the verizon
thing what we’ve read online because we’re both
brian and i have
all tech retards
the late verizon
thing is probably
going to be some sort of a
tablet like a little
like an internet like a kindle
but you can get on the internet with it
which would be kind of interesting
like a netbook
with no keyboard
or just an oversized iphone pretty much have you
heard of aubrey de grey yeah he’s that guy he’s
a guy from england that is
a professor and a scientist who’s working hard on
life extension
he’s an interesting dude kind of a
kind of a real eccentric
character with
crazy long beard and
you know he’s
got all these
really complex theories on how to extend the
human lifetime like a thousand years
like the only way you would die is if you had you know
like got an accident or something or sickness
pretty fascinating shit
the problem is if people
live forever there’s not enough room for everybody
you know we’re trying to fuck with nature
you know nature has us in a cycle
and the cycle
is very simple
nobody lives more than like
120 years if you’re the baddest
motherfucker ever
you live to be a buck 20
and then you’re done
and the last few years you are a fragile mess
and you better not go anywhere
you know you could tie your
shoes and break your back in half
you know you could
fall down you know when you’re
going to wipe your ass and head
plant into the wall and be done
crack your neck paralyzed
shit all over the
floor i mean that
could be the end it’s
gonna be ugly you know you’re gonna be a human
roll a tissue paper that’s what you’re gonna be so
that’s the cycle of life
and you have children and those children
you pass on
your information and that’s what’s supposed to happen
we are in the active process of evolving
as a species
and there’s two
things that are
gonna aid that involvement or
evolvement rather
that evolution it’s
gonna be either
technology or it’s
gonna be what we
learn and what we pass on
and if you don’t
evolve and if
you don’t pass on something if your children don’t
evolve like this race
can’t exist
from just the people that are
alive now living forever okay
because people don’t change that much
they try they do
their best but the amount of people
that change over the amount of people that don’t change
i mean shit
how many people do you know that get
their shit together
that have gotten
their shit together they didn’t have it
you know how many people do you know
mmm not many not that many
most people who are a fucking mess stay a mess
and that’s not good
those aren’t good odds for a
whole race of
humans you know i
think that the best
bet for the
human race and we really care
about it as a whole
but we don’t
we care about
ourselves because we’re animals and because we have
these instincts and
these instincts are designed to make sure that we stay
alive and that’s just hard wiring even though
your logic and your reason
would dictate well
hey i’m only here for a temporary amount of time anyway
i need to look at this like
what is my purpose here what am i supposed to be doing
and what you’re supposed
to be doing is making it better for the next people
what you’re supposed to be doing
is making it as good as you can for the people here
and leaving an
impression so that
maybe you can enhance the minds and
open the eyes and set the tone
for the next people
you know if you meet a guy who’s like
i mean every time i’ve ever met someone who’s like
really fucking cool and really nice and really friendly
it’s always inspired me
to be cooler and nicer and friendlier it’s like it’s so
cool to meet people like that
but you know
when i was growing up in boston
i knew a lot of fucking
hard ass people i knew a lot of people that were just
always ready to insult you and always wanted to
fight and i know a lot of
and if you grow up around a lot of people like that
you become like that
it can make you like that you live in that environment
where everybody’s kind of douchey to each
other on occasion
you know like you go out to a bar in boston
your chances are you’re
gonna see a fight
you go to a
nightclub in boston do
still throw down
i mean it’s one of the few
places like
remember when we went to at
least do the
comedy connection in fanno hall
and after the show like two o’clock in the morning
that fucking
place would be alive
in the summertime
it was crackling it was crackling
like at any moment
you could see
a fucking brawl
break out where dudes
punch somebody and fucking
tables would
start flying
i mean it was a crazy
place yeah i
would hate to live there
yeah how many
fights we see there we saw so many
fights and so many
close fights
me and rem has gotten a
fight at mcdonald’s yeah
just waiting in line for
dudes are way more
aggressive in boston
than like say if you go out
and try to get something to eat in texas
you know people are
generally pretty fucking friendly
like everybody has this like
this stereotype of texas
but you’re way safer
going out to get some late
night food in texas like
especially like austin
shit austin’s badass
that’s one of the friendliest
fucking cities in the country
you know you want to go get something to
eat at 2 o’clock in the morning in austin you’re fine
you go get something
to eat at 2 o’clock in the morning in boston
you might see a fucking assault
you know you
might be a part of something you
gotta watch
where the fuck you’re going yeah
okay ladies and gentlemen we’re
gonna go to the questions
there’s got
to be something you’re not looking forward to
about fatherhood
well i’m already a father i love it
what you don’t look forward
to is you don’t look forward to the fact that you’re
going to lose a lot of your time
without a doubt you’re
gonna have to
spend if you don’t want to be a shitty parent
you know if you’ve had
a childhood that was less than perfect
which i think most of us have right
you learn from that and you’re supposed
to be a better person and a better parent from that
and once you have a fucking kid man
it’s like alright you have this
immense immense
responsibility
to raise a human being correctly
and you gotta get your own shit together you know
it forces you
and you’re gonna
definitely have to look at
things a little bit differently because you’re not
gonna have the same amount of free time
and you can’t look at yourself like you’re the only
thing you know that’s what i was talking
about before
with like a lot of people that i know that aren’t happy
one of the reasons why they’re not
happy is they don’t have people in
their life you know like that are really important
you know like i know dudes that are like
grown men that don’t even have like really really
close friends
they have like friends
but they like
keep shit from them and you know
sometimes they get in bad arguments with them and they
don’t have anybody that they really open up and are 100
honest with
which is really huge
you know if you
don’t have like a real friend that you can fucking tell
everything to
you gotta have
those in your life man
those are huge
when we’re all out
like when it’s me and brian and
eddie and joey and we’re all out bullshitting
we tell each
other basically everything
you know that’s
one of the fun
things about it
you know one of the fun
things about
hanging out with like people that you really like is
you know you get to see inside each
other’s fucking
the wiring under the board
you get to see how your
brain works you know you get to
throw out the way you’re
thinking and what’s
going on your life to them and see how
you know a person who’s not
living your life
but loves you and looks out for you and wants you to be
happy gets to look at it and see it
and that’s very important for people
because sometimes you can’t see your life objectively
sometimes you
need somebody in your life that that cares about you
and when people don’t
have that shit they don’t feel like they have that 100
honesty with someone
you’re disconnected to the universe
and that’s one
of the reasons why people get so depressed
you’re depressed because you don’t have all
this love in your life you have to have a lot of love
and you have to put it out there too
if you’re putting out shit you’re
gonna get shit back
and then you’re
gonna get into a downward
spiral that you’re
never gonna put out pull out of
you’re gonna have a shitty life
you’re putting
out bad energy it’s always coming back at you
you’re always
gonna be unlucky you’re always
gonna be unhappy it’s just the way it is
if you’re an asshole
you’re not gonna be
happy assholes they look like they’re
happy cause you see them laughing
they go home and cry and
drink or they’re
fucking psycho and they have no emotions whatsoever
me but no one is
happy being negative everybody wants to be loving
everybody wants to have
good friends and have a good fucking time so
this aubrey de grey guy you’re not
gonna live forever
bitch and you’re not supposed to
you’re supposed to
do what you can
to the people that you
influence and
touch in this life
and hope that it carries on to the next
and we all know this
we all know this inherently and
we all know inherently the people have done this to us
like i said we’ve all met people that inspired us
and i think that’s what we’re here for i
think that’s what
we’re supposed to do it’s just
are you playing shit
while i’m doing this
while i’m talking
what is this robot
why are you playing distracting shit
let me know
when you’re playing shit tell me what it is okay
it’s hard to read the questions off here man
any plans for a book yeah
i’m writing a book man but
the problem is i’m writing comedy at the same time and
i’m also writing
blog entries and i’m also trying to do all my
other bullshit so
it’s taking some time you know
it’s hard to sit down just
write a book
because i sit down and
write things and i just want to
write about one
thing that day and then
i like that’s one of the
things i like
about blogs
i could just
write it and
throw it up and bam there it is
but i’m always looking for new ways that people
could listen to
my shit get my ideas out there and get my
stuff out there and
come to see me doing
stand up and you know the different ways to do that
you know it’s like
book books are
legitimate ways they’re ways there’s
still a lot
of people that don’t even have any idea that i’m a
stand up comedian you know just because i like
stuff that i’ve done that’s not
funny like fear factor
and whatever and you know and then doing
commentary for the
ufc is the same
thing it’s like
there’s a lot of people that
really have no idea
that i’m even a comedian
so i try to like do the best i can to
use all the
different avenues to get that out there so i
think a book is
gonna help and also i
think it’d be cool to have something that i actually
wrote that’s a book
you know i just think
having a real book
in the bookstores something cool about that
book takes lots of concentration smoke more weed
that’s an excellent advice i almost always write stoned
you know and it might not make sense
and the problem is i like read it when i’m not
stoned i’m like what the fuck was i rambling about
when i’m high it’s all like
super genius shit
yeah i was talking about depression
brian’s playing a fucking robot video
trying to lighten the mood joe
we don’t need that man
is jason ellis the best radio show to go on
opie and anthony is the best radio show to go on
jason ellis is a close second
his show is fun as fuck
jason’s cool shit
he’s he’s hilarious too i love listening to him
he’s just he’s cocky and he’s
funny and i just
he’s a cool
dude i like him a lot i like that guy he’s fun
too many guys in boston wearing affliction t shirts
well there’s nice people that wear affliction
t shirts too sir
i goof on affliction t shirts all the time but
i wear their shit
i bought their jeans i bought their dragon jeans
those jeans are awful the
jeans are a little much
but i got some dope ass
these japanese samurai
ones from affliction those are the shit man
the whole the whole like
mythical i think it’s called heroes and demons
it’s badass it’s like
samurais fighting tigers and shit it’s really cool art
by this japanese tattooist
but they don’t make them anymore
but i told tom
tom from affliction like those shirts are shit
i love them
i used to before i smoke weed i used to dress terrible
think i dress bad now
i used that
leopard print
stripes yeah
structure shirts with like yeah
i used to wear
things where really i used to wear like
crushed red velvet shirts and
crazy but i’m not joking
crazy big hawaiian shirts
i’m a fashion retard like i always have been
you know that’s why i
still wear a fanny pack like i wear
a fanny pack all the time yeah you know whenever we
travel i wear a fanny pack
in a belt chain
yeah and my
chain my wallet chain
i don’t care
the wallet chain you know
watch there i’ve
lost my wallet before i don’t want to lose my wallet
again bam i got a wallet chain
should be like
nope i like it
i like it i like it
i like it too because
imperial rose
collection my man
david tadman
he made it for me he
said to me this dude this really cool dude who’s a big
mma fan who’s a jeweler
and he said
to me so to me
it has like
power it’s like a gift from somebody you know it’s cool
chain that i like it
gives me strength
and i like that i’m not
gonna lose my fucking wallet again
people are doing
stupid you fucking
forty two you got a backwards hat
wallet chain on
i like wearing my baseball hat backwards
i like having a wallet
chain if you
think i look
silly good make fun of me i don’t care have
you have you like
gone without wearing the wall
chain for like a
week no never
i’ve weared a wall
chain for decades
i can’t remember the last time i didn’t wear a wall
chain when i was on fear factor
these to make me tuck that shit in that is
weird because
there’s not many of you
you know there’s not many wallet
chain deals
i don’t give a fuck
i like it do you ever run any across any
other wall chain
yeah dudes will
compliment each other on
these wall chains
dudes will look at the
chain and go damn
that’s pretty badass man
and dana white give me a dope ass one too
i wonder if in the 1700s if you
would have a ladder
dana white’s giving me two wallet
chains that’s how cool dana white is
but this is the one that i use now
and i can’t
can you see it yeah i like it
because it’s it’s all like handcrafted
man it’s a little dragon head
and the little dragon head opens up
and that clips on on my belt
and the chain is dope
chain is really cool
and for whatever fucking reason okay this shit is
metal as fuck
but it does not go off when you go through the
metal detector
yes how stupid are
metal detectors
i will fucking kill you with this oh shit if i get this
i didn’t have a tripod on the
plane but you can have a fucking
chain yeah i this
thing this thing
goes right through the
metal detector that’s
weird it’s crazy
i mean you really have to
think like that i mean i hope i
should have opened my mouth
retards from
tsa is watching this
those fucking
knuckleheads
some of them are
cool i ran to a lot of cool people at the airport but
the the laws
is what’s not cool none of it makes any goddamn
sense you know
put a goddamn cop on a
plane on every
plane don’t they ever
do that they do that already yeah well not
every plane you can’t
bring a pool cue on
you can bring a
skateboard but you can’t
bring a pool cue what
about a laptop you can have a big
seventeen inch
laptop right
mac and you
can have a laptop that you design purposely to fuck
people up yeah
totally it’s
weird totally yeah it’s totally
weird we should shut up before we all
this shit taken out
you get it all
taken but haha
so how was washington
washington was badass washington dc
on the show
show was great man we were at this
place called the nine
thirty club that’s why i told you my
phone fell on the toilet
awesome awesome
crowd really i don’t get to dc very much
and the last time i was there before was with
john heffron charlie murphy
when we did the maxim comedy tour
so you’re in miami beach florida next week right
yeah i’m in miami beach florida on the 22nd
which is what day is that as i was looking at
right now it is a
it’s on the you stream page
right a little
put the little calendar on youtube yeah so next friday
but bam motherfuckers
that’s another place i’m not at very
often not in florida very often not in miami very often
yeah but i’m here friday bitches
that’s gonna be fun that comedy show i
guess there’s
gonna be a lot of people in town for that your
make a lot of comics are gonna be in town for that yeah
yeah that sounds cool awesome
powerful comedy festival
and tickets are selling really fast so
if you want to go
go to where they
were fucking up
i think that one is
do i have a link somewhere
yeah you know what i’m gonna
throw the link on twitter cause i’m such a badass bitch
oh that’s what i was gonna talk to you about what
it’s through
live nation so if you go to live nation com yeah each
ticket they are
charging 17
like something
crazy like 15 dollars
like live nation gets a cut
service charge 15
service charge
for three tickets some dude was saying
that he was paying something like insane like 200
bucks or something really yeah
go check it let’s
actually do it
right now we do it live
well you know that’s one of the
things i like
about like a
regular goddamn comedy club a regular comedy club
was the ticket
cost 25 bucks
you walk in the door you pay your 25
bucks and that’s it man yeah
you know or if you show up
early you know you go to the box office
or you can order online
you just buy it from the club and that’s what it costs
right you go through an agency but if you’re
gonna do like a big concert or something like that
you have to go through an agency that’s another world
you know once you
start doing like big
venues start doing like several thousand people
that’s a totally different
world that’s why i love comedy clubs
first of all the show’s better
the shows are
always better when it’s like less than 600 people
you know once you get over like six hundred people
they’re still fun there’s
still a lot of fun
you know dc was more than six hundred people i
think but they’re still
it’s still a good time don’t get me wrong but
it’s just not the same experience
the same the
experience you get in the comedy club it’s like you’re
right there you’re in the mix there’s
low ceilings and shit and it’s just
300 of you and
you’re fucking around just hanging out you know okay
three tickets
try to guess the
grand total
tell me 159
60 cents for
three tickets that’s a lot of money man
have i smoked weed with doug benson probably
i don’t remember though
i must have
i might not have though
i think i did once i
think i showed him the solo pipe
i was gonna get him one i think
doug’s a very nice guy
yeah he’s a real cool guy
very nice guy and i did his podcast he’s very fun too
he’s got a i love
movies podcast but i was totally useless on it because
i’m not a big movie fan
so they were talking like they were all
going on especially patent patton i
was on he’s a
movie freak
and they were just
quoted all these
weird obscure
movies and weird
and i just didn’t know anything
i was useless
they were like what’s your favorite
movie i’m like i don’t have one
you have a favorite
movie i don’t
think i have a favorite movie man
right now it’s avatar
just cause i i
never get that i’ve
never felt like that before you know yeah i like in a
movie like wow like that movie like
even though it was dumb
you know even though it was like cliche
it didn’t matter it’s like felt
it felt so powerful
you know it
goes like move to tears almost a couple times it’s like
me even though it was
still it was like
comic book style but
super powerful
you know like the images and the way it was done
even though there was like some cliche shit in it
doesn’t matter man
they’re fucking awesome
did i get my tomahawk pipe yes i did sir
actually here it is
right here but we
haven’t used it because it’s kind of weak
it’s very clogged
already yeah well it’s just it’s a it’s dumb
it’s dumb you’re not really supposed to
smoke out of it
you’re supposed to just go me and i’ve got a camera
hog pipe man
it’s it’s silly
but yeah i got it i got it just so i
could show you guys i got it
when did i start smoking weed i didn’t
start till i was like 30 years old
that’s why i’m so passionate about it
because my whole life
i thought that if you
smoke weed you’d be lazy
you’d be a loser
because i knew a lot of dudes when i was a kid and
the guys that did drugs
the guys that were
partying all the time they always want to fucking
their lives up
and i was terrified of fucking my
life up there was my number one fear with being a loser
my number one
i didn’t my ambition
was all fucked up because it wasn’t that i wanted to be
happy and i wanted to you
know find some
place of some
point of success and
do you know
achieve some goal or you
know be the
something for a living that i wanted to be
i wasn’t doing that i was just trying not to be a
loser i was terrified i was
gonna be a loser so
you know i think
i think that’s it it’s very important
to have the
right mindset
don’t you think like when you’re growing up
how gigantic is that yeah
i think it’s a lot with parents but also
you know just how you’re raised and hold package
yeah and how people how you the people around you
think too that’s very important man you know
i don’t even remember what i was talking about
that’s how high we are
ladies and gentlemen
barbecued but we’re talking
about something real simple
what the hell
are we talking
about avatar and
by the way i finally sell the song 3d and i
loved it that fucking
movie was so
great it was the
greatest movie ever
to me i mean i say i don’t have a favorite
movie but i
guess if i had to have a favorite
movie that’s my favorite movie
any news i’m brock
lesnar i heard
randy kotor
said he’s back in the gym really yeah
that’s awesome
you know more important than anything
even if dude
never fights
again right
you know maybe he
doesn’t want to
fight anymore now you know
the most important
thing is that he’s healthy
and the most important
thing is you
ladies and gentlemen
learn something from this situation
eat your vegetables
it’s very important each a
fiber you got to
clean out your intestinal tract
right juicer
by juicer this
motherfuckers been juicing
juicing like
crazy and it’s
his whole life is like invigorated
right don’t you
feel like oh it’s immediately
like five minutes
after taking one of these
juices i feel like i
could just go
do jumping jacks why isn’t this wack ass thing
streaming anymore
i don’t know man i i is it safari
safari soccer uh
i use chrome
now oh this is this is firefox you know what
i’m gonna try
to shut this
bitch off yes
cause i’ve been
using chrome a lot lately
i like chrome a lot
i think it’s the best so
i don’t know batter
safari is the
best i gave up on firefox firefox has been the worst
lately firefox has just been slow as fuck
really yeah they used to be good
yeah firefox crashes sometimes on me
shut off firefox
i got all my
fancy new fucking badass
quick internet
it shouldn’t be all gayed out yeah
a lot of people
got really mad at me i did an interview recently
and i talked
about the use of the word faggot
i was just explaining how what happened when i did the
spike tv thing
that they told me that i
could say any word
except faggot
when when the show was uncensored
and i was like this that’s so
crazy because i’m not even talking to
a person i’m talking to a dog and some
ants that’s when i use the word fag
and it has nothing to do with
sexual orientation
you know and i know louis ck
actually has a
bid on that
about how it
never meant gay and it didn’t anthony kumi
talks about it all the time
on opi and anthony
about how faggot
never really was a homosexual
slur when we were kids it was
it was not i mean but
that’s true but it’s
sort of not true because you knew that
it also meant that
but people didn’t
use it that way that’s not what it meant
and at the end of
the day like what’s language is supposed to represent
is your the context of your thoughts
you know and the problem is when words get
hyperpowered
like cunt or nigger or faggot
now faggot is like the new one
you know or love loves a
hyper powered word too you know
these words get
hyper powered and the word itself
is more important than the meaning behind the word
you’re not it’s not a true
expression anymore like
i mean a lot of people in relationships and you know
you say you love me tell me you love me or to love you
it’s like this
weird fucking
magic word thing that you have to say
it’s like you
should know by the way someone
communicates with you whether or not they love you
they shouldn’t have to say
this one word shouldn’t have all this goddamn
power you know the same
thing with the word nigger and the same
thing with the word faggot
and now i guess
because this
gay guy told me when he was explaining this to me that
i couldn’t say faggot
and even if i didn’t mean anything he didn’t
mean gay people i couldn’t say it because i’m not gay
said but gay people
could say because he goes it’s our nigger
why have guys kisses that’s john
travolta who’s he kissing john travolta
i don’t know some dude he met
on the streets wow that’s
shocking news obviously
what’s great is gonna get me sued who’s he kissing
obviously it’s
stage ladies and gentlemen well
this one’s not stage
where he’s getting
into an airplane kissing another gentleman
well you know maybe he likes kissing gentlemen
doesn’t mean he’s gay brian
i don’t know where you’re going with this listen
just cuz john travolta is kissing manny’s photos
and one of the funniest things you ever
said dude was
do you wanna say
which john travolta is gayer than a room full of dicks
did i say that yeah in vegas i said one of my favorite
things here
well clearly i was just saying it in jest
ladies and gentlemen i do not know who’s homosexual
there’s a funny story that i’ve told before
but it’s true story
there was a dude who was a fighter in this
organization
this other fighting organization outside of the ufc
and this was like the 90s and they want to do
it wasn’t a google search even it was an internet
search on this man’s name
because they were gonna write a
story about him to promote his show
and as they were
searching him they
found out that someone with the same name
was a gay porn star
and not just a gay porn star
but the winner of the hungriest butt contest
not the runner up with a hungry spot contest
the fucking winner
this dude won the hungriest butt contest
and they didn’t believe it was him and then they just
started like
like searching more
and they found photos
and they found photos of him like one dudes in his
mouth one dudes in his ass
and they’re using him as like chinese finger handcuffs
and i mean they found all this porn on him like because
it was you know it was used pretty easy to find
you know when the information
first got on the internet
porn was the
first shit to get out there
porn was there before anything else
before wikipedia before
youtube porn was there
so if you had porn on the internet
you could basically get even
stuff that was illegal
like the early
tracy lords videos you could have got those
you could have got
those back but you can’t get those now
you go looking for a
tracy lord’s video
now anything that’s illegal like that that shit is gone
but back then you
could get it
so gay porn
it was all over the place
this poor fuck
they pulled up all
these pictures
videos and everything
they confronted them
and it was like bullshit
and they showed him the
photos and he got all angry
and he was the headliner he was like the big draw
and he just explained that he
look he was down on his luck and it was a lot of money
it was a lot of money
and so he did it
well it turns out he did like a hundred
movies okay
i mean and the joke is how much
money is a lot of
money to you
cause if i think
you do one movie
you live like you’re in a jay z
video for the rest of your life
that’s what i think
you wanna do gay sex on
video what that’s
i gotta see some zeros
i gotta see a lot of commas
and a lot of zeros you know
but this fucking guy did like a lot of these
and my the joke is
a hundred and fifteen
videos by my accounts you
should have all the
money in the world
there should be no more
money left for anybody else
unless you like it
see if you like suck
index and if you’re gay
then that’s not bad at all
it’s not see
this what people don’t understand
like just because someone
thinks it’s
funny because they personally are not they don’t
wanna have gay sex
that doesn’t mean it’s bad that
you have gay sex it’s only bad for someone who doesn’t
wanna have the gay sex
right brian
like if you’re not gay and you do a gay porn
that’s a big deal
but if you’re gay and you do a gay porn
it’s like so what
you’re sucking dicks
is it any more embarrassing that you’re doing a video
it’s the same
it’s no different but if you’re straight
and you’re out there blowing guys on video ooh
i stupid about it in my act that
if a guy is like straight and he’s born a guy
you know that if you like made a mistake one
night and you’ll
never win an argument ever for the rest of your life
because as soon as you get in the argument soon as shit
starts getting
real like man you don’t believe people on the moon
like didn’t you suck a dick once
and that’s the end the
arguments over
there’s no way you can bounce back from that
what you got a dick in your mouth
this conversations over
yeah you can’t
trust a judgment anymore you’ve
defeated him
you’ve deflated him as a human
do i feel very blessed to be as
famous as i am says genuine evil 86 that’s hilarious
i’m just famous enough where it’s not creepy
you know i’m just
famous enough where no one takes me seriously
first of all
fear factor was
definitely a blessing in disguise
because you know i’m saying
like you know you get to
a place where like a lot of people aren’t like real
super famous people that are like
loved and worshipped like
you know rock stars or michael jackson
or something like that or tom cruise or brad pitt like
they’re prisoners
like they can’t
go anywhere like that is a terrible way to live
like yeah everybody is fascinated
by you including me if i saw brad pitt in a restaurant
i would like
point stare
like me you
wanna hear something
crazy me and
kevin james okay and
kevin james is fucking
famous right
that goddamn
paul blart mall cop
movie he did made like 200 million dollars okay
and kevin and i are in boston and we’re in a
hotel room and tom
cruise was in boston too and tom cruise is on the
street okay
we’re in kevin’s fucking
hotel room and
kevin’s like
tom cruise is out there look
and so we’re like
leaning out the window
looking at tom cruise
and we’re on like the tenth
floor and shit and tom cruise is on the ground
floor and we’re like looking at him across the
street like woo
like a movie star
is gawking at another movie star
it was pretty interesting to
watch i was like
you’re i go do you know you’re that famous
like he’s not as
famous as tom cruise but he’s
fucking really
famous i mean it’s
silly that he’s
like so fat but that’s what it is man people people
are nutty about
about fame that’s not a good
level you don’t want to be there that
you want to be at the
level where you don’t have to
worry about your bills and you
you know you’re able to do what you want to do
like as far as creatively
you know that’s what i like i like the fact that i
could do comedy and
could do the ufc
i do what i want to do and i’m
enjoying myself you know and it’s fun people
enjoy what i’m doing
and you know you develop fans you develop
people that are appreciating what you do and you
appreciate them
and it’s a good relationship that’s a good
level of fame
you don’t want to be you know
you don’t want to be somewhere like
i was i was
watching some
video online
where the guy
can you put that
video up the dude when george bush went to
a restaurant
and he’s with five
secret service
agents and the guy
screaming and yelling
at him you fucking murderer you zionist murder and
piece of shit and
some guy george bush senior
has to the dude
is like he’s an old man he’s been around forever
he has to travel
everywhere with
these bodyguards
everywhere he goes he has
secret service guys surrounding him
and yeah i know what you’re saying yeah
no he caused wars and he’s responsible for all
these people dying i
see it a hundred percent
and it’s not like being a
movie star but it’s the same
thing in as far as like
well no because people are
angry at him okay
my point is terrible but
it is right
cause people are
angry at him i mean
the reason why he’s got all
those people around is
cause people want him dead yeah
anybody who wants brad pitt dead is fucking
crazy but the
point is that any
level of fame
you know past a certain
level can be
it becomes a handicap
it becomes like food if you have some food
you should only eat
until you’re not hungry anymore you
shouldn’t fucking gorge yourself and go goddamn crazy
you know it’s very difficult to manage any
level of fame
and to manage the kind of fame that those guys
manage i mean it’s almost impossible
that’s why why do you
think tom cruise is so crazy
you have to be crazy
no one cannot be
crazy if you’re that
famous it’s like impossible
like who can manage that kind of fame
you know like
when he was on matt
lau we’re talking about
psychiatrists and antidepressants like
matt your glib
your glib like he
doesn’t even realize how retarded he
sounds no one tells him
no one tells him that he’s talking nonsense he
doesn’t have
a voice of reason around him he
doesn’t have
objectivity he
doesn’t have anybody who talks to him real
he has people who gawk and stare
and look like
kevin james and i
from the fucking tenth
floor of a hotel
oh it’s tom cruise
no one’s given that guy the real shit
so when he gets on
television and talks to nonsense
he has no idea what nonsense is
he’s crazy because he’s
super super
famous and it’s
almost impossible
to not be crazy
where all the rules
completely different
for you than they are for everybody else
the rules for everybody else
are totally
most people have to create an impression
they have you meet someone
that you know you tell them
what your name is what you’re all
about with him
everywhere he goes they know everything
they know he’s a
scientologist
they know he’s the
greatest fucking most successful
movie star in the history of the world
i mean that fucking guy can’t go anywhere
everybody wants to say he’s like five foot one and oh
he’s gay and he’s fucking crazy
everybody staring and scrutinizing
them you know that marriage
that he had the
first one to cold kidman
that was all set up and i was not even real
everybody’s constantly up in his shit how
could he not be
crazy right yeah
brian gets up
he gets a lot
of internet fame you got a lot of weirdos they get
upset at you
you got a lot of weird how
about that pepsi
spice thing
listen listen this story
this this dude
when pepsi remember
guys remember when
pepsi spice was around
well brian is like one of the
og internet gangsters
he was like
he was aware
of shit the companies
weren’t aware of
you know companies were like
these multi
multi billion dollar companies but they really weren’t
deep in the internet
they didn’t
understand the impact it had
so when pepsi
spice came out
they didn’t have
pepsispice com
so brian bought
pepsispice com
and brian started putting up all these
crazy is it
still up or did you get sued
uh the website yeah i let it go because i was
tired of paying for it
and they weren’t
bringing back the
did you give it to them
no i just let it go i
think somebody
somebody else picked it up but what did you do with all
those crazy stories that you
wrote on it
we’ll tell everybody
about the stores
well pretty much i just
copied off that
morgan spurlock guy and i said that i was
going to drink
only pepsi holiday
spice for 30 days
for the people that don’t know that’s from
super size me
you ate mcdonald’s
for 30 days it’s a documentary pretty good one yeah
and so i had i
could only have pepsi
spice to eat and
drink for 30 days which is
alone the dumbest
thing in the
world that anyone believed it you know like i’m not
going to eat food
yeah so i started having like the
first couple days i
started having like these
like lesions
and stuff like
that and you
photoshopped
these things on yeah
yeah i made like fake
things i made myself look more and
more sick i was losing weight and i was showing like
i was photoshopping fat off me
and what’s crazy is then i
started getting interviews from
radio stations
thinking it’s
real i have that somewhere like this two hour interview
where college
radio stations
thought it was real and i had
people actually i
started really
thinking i was like
dying and stuff like that and then
one day i just stopped like 20 days in
and people all thought i died
it was one of the great trolls
one of the all time great trolls
yeah it was really brilliant
yeah just look up
pepsi spice project it’s been some
goddamn brilliant trolls
done on the internet
you know the best is doug stanhope
on baiting baiting org
doug stanhope
would go and bait pedophiles
and then write like i think they did a book
about it didn’t
they do a book they put in a book form i
think yeah i
think so i believe it’s
still available
on if you go to doug stanhope com
you’ll probably have a link to it somewhere because
one of the funniest things
that doug ever did
and he would pretend to be little girls
and lure pedophiles
and say like all kinds of fucked up shit
and it was really really
genius stuff
i don’t i can’t pull any of the
quotes off the top of my head but i remember
really laughing really hard
wanting to do the same
thing but i don’t have that kind of commitment
doug is doug is an animal he’s a pit bull
the level commitment that he has towards
trolling i i’m like
i’m not into like goofing on people
i don’t know why
like that like i get bored
i mean i i’ll
argue with people and i’ll make fun of someone
but like pretending to be someone else
going back and forth
for whatever reason my
brain doesn’t work that way you know
i don’t know why i don’t get into
those trolls
but i love watching them
like that pepsi
spice one i love that one that was awesome
and doug’s i love them
i just don’t i don’t
my brain doesn’t
think like that
here’s a here’s
when i actually
this is one of the
first videos i did special effects on
and here’s the here’s the
video from pepsi spice
okay where it’s like one of the
first times
i did like a real good special how badass is this
video and video shit this is dope folks
this is like we got a real goddamn show here people
can you see by the way
all the shit i do this is probably one of the funnest
things i do this is fun
you know we look forward to this
these fucking ads push that bitch up push it up higher
it’s me fucking myself
oh i thought this is pepsi spice it is
oh this is what you put up my advertisement
for pepsi spice i got that
people would play like this guy’s drinking pepsi spice
haha haha haha haha haha haha
haha haha
what’s brian fucking wrong that’s hilarious
that’s hilarious dude
that’s very funny man
have i seen jesse ventura’s new show no i have not
i have not seen jesse ventura’s new show
i don’t know shit about jesse ventura’s new show
i know it’s some sort of a crazy conspiracy theory
sounds awesome
i like conspiracy theories up to a point my piss
good dude brian’s gonna pay
you guys want to see his dick
please talk about the
music you like you should listen to fish the dead
oh your toilet
water is cold
what the fuck
my toilet how do you even know
um what is your name p q i l e s
twenty four
this is the dude who likes the dead in the fish
okay man i don’t get
the dead or the fish i don’t get it i
understand that you like it and i
would never say that it’s not good
because it’s obviously good to you
you know i gave up saying something
things suck a long time ago when people like them
because it occurred to me somewhere
along the line
that even though they suck for me even though i do
think they suck
as long as you know what do i care as long as it’s not
promoting anything
ridiculously
stupid well as long as it’s not
you know reinforcing
retarded behavior as long as it’s like negative
not negative for
human beings
what do i give a shit
you know you
think it’s good you like it
i can’t get into it man i can’t listen to the dead
you grateful
that i tried
i did this grateful dead
experiment where i
tried to listen to it for 30 days
but i was hating it so much that i didn’t want to i was
gonna write
about it i was gonna
read i was gonna
listen to the dead for 30 days
and then write
about it at the end
it’s just not my shit
but that’s okay
you know i mean you can like it but like
i was listening to the dead one day and
i put on right
after i listened
to it i was listening to for like an hour and then
i put on midnight rider
by the allman brothers and i
never listened to dead again
i was like are you fucking kidding me man
are you fucking kidding me
i mean look
i know some people like the grateful dead and i
understand and i
appreciate it so
like that but
but listen man there’s there’s some fucking music
that there’s there’s some
music that’s on another level
and in my opinion
the shit from i’m looking for him
that’s why i
make any sense here
i’m looking for the song
fucker my man fine
um where’s my goddamn almond brothers
you know this is a wack ass setup
here here this is
him hi billy mays here with another fantastic
crime what are you doing
what is that
with billy mays himself
that’s not you can’t you
gonna get arrested
huh you gonna get arrested oh you
can do this can you yeah
this is a picture of a
picture oh really yeah you
allowed to do that well i mean don’t sell that to the
ufc they’ll sue the fuck
i can’t find almond brothers
here we go okay shut that off for a second
listen to this shit listen to this shit
oh that’s ramble
man that’s not what it was it was midnight rider
fucking cunt
do i not have that how is that possible
i got it on my fucking phone
how do i not have it on my itunes
oh there it is you bitch
okay here we go
leave your screen
what what the hell is that you gotta mute your
screen yeah but then how are they gonna hear this
you mute you have to mute your screen
oh otherwise it won’t play right is that what it is
well you’re just gonna echo yourself okay
yeah
alright here we go
you know you can listen to the grateful dead all day
that’s all good
is this playing good i hope this doesn’t sound terrible
if this sounds terrible let me know
because i’m just playing over this microphone
see i listen to that man i can’t go back
i can’t go back to the grateful dead i can’t do it
i understand it if you like it
it’s not my shit
i like some rap music i like 70s music
the midnight
rider from the allman brothers i don’t know if it
sounded good to you guys
did sound awesome
it’s a great goddamn fucking song just a
some of the shit they did in the 70s man
that stuff just so resonates
today man you know
you listen to some some of the 60s and 70s music
zeppelin the doors and just there’s something
about it man that
like when i’m like in a mood i want to hear something
especially if you
smoke a joint
and you know you sit in
front of computer you want to write
i’ll put on some fucking
classic rock man it just
it makes you
it just makes you feel
more connected
there’s just like there’s something
about that music like whatever they
were doing at the time and they were making that music
they were nailing it
you know there’s
music from that era that doesn’t
smell at all like
commercial it doesn’t
smell at all like
like they were trying to
you know to
trick people or do something thought was gonna be
successful there’s a bunch of
music from that era
that’s just beautiful man it’s just
alive it’s like the
pure the purest version of
of musical art
you know and i
think it’s cause they were all doing
psychedelic drugs i mean
i think that a lot to
do with it everybody was high everybody was smoking pot
they were dropping acid and taking mushrooms and
they were coming out with
dope fucking
music man and
today still to this day
i mean no one’s
gonna be listening to pop pop pop pop poker face
no one’s gonna listen to that
thirty years
no one’s gonna listen that
forty years
led zeppelin
will still be around in 40 years
40 years from now
some fucking dude in a
spaceship is
gonna turn some
other dude in a
spaceship onto a
whole lot of love
probably not
forty years will
still be stuck on this planet
four hundred years from now
that should be like mozart
no one’s gonna remember papa
poker face no one’s
gonna remember that right
don’t you agree
i don’t know it’s
a pretty big song
i think you just hating
do you think i’m hating you like that song i
think it was okay at the beginning but i mean the main
thing who cares about me that’s like my
number one song
not every song gets number one you know
what will people remember it
i think that sounds horrible
does anybody here i mean i like lady gaga it’s not bad
yeah this dude is down man
kevin nukem knows what the fuck i’m talking about
says they have the best
music the almond brothers just they’re just soulful man
there’s something
about those
when joey diaz describes it as the best
those dirty
motherfucking white boys
dirty white boys from florida
are you fucking kidding me getting that pure heroin
they were are
you fucking kidding me they were playing the real
music joe rogan
you gotta get joey diaz on
joey diaz will be here next week
we’re gonna drag him in here next week
even if we have to change the schedule
for the show
and do it at a different time
all right now because i didn’t look at this at all the
last time we did this i have to look at it now at your
yeah i made up a post on my message board
asking people
to put in questions
so because of that i’m
gonna go there
right now and check out
what the questions are and
see if anybody had some cool shit because people are
upset that i
did it last week
but when i did
it last week i didn’t answer any questions but
i mean i like
the questions and it’s good to have the questions but
wanted to make this as
loose as possible
i want to make
this as much as whatever we feel like talking
about you know whatever whoever’s here whatever
just let things come out
you know let and
answer twitter questions and all that shit
what are the best tips for
navigating a high dose mushroom trip
are you doing them regularly
that’s the first question
i don’t do them regularly
terrence mckenna who i learned everything i know
about psychedelics from that guy or at least
that’s where i started
is listening to what he had to say reading his books
but what he always said is that you
should do them in high doses and very rarely
that’s what he said
he said that psychedelic experiences
should be something where you do the right dose
and then you take a long time off and
sort of contemplate what happened
and i agree with that
the last time i did anything really
strong like dmt that was over two years ago
and it was because it was a
very very very profound
experience and i wanted to make sure
that i got as much out of it and it
understood it and
sort of deciphered it as much as i could and
applied it to my life as much as i could before
i just went to try to do it
again i’m very serious about
psychedelic trips i don’t
think it’s play
i mean i think you can have a good time on
mushrooms with your buddies if you don’t take too much
but i think you can get a lot out of
psychedelic trips where
you and i’m not criticizing people
wanna do it for fun
because look i like to
drink for fun i
smoke pot for fun i
smoke pot both for
introspective quality
thinking and also for fun
and i don’t if you
wanna do it for fun that’s all good
but what i’m saying is like
for me personally i’ve
learned a lot from
psychedelic
experiences and
what i believe is what terrence mckenna
has always said
is that you
should do them
very rarely
you do them and then you don’t do shit for a
while and you think
about what the fuck you learned
because it doesn’t
if you really want to
prove yourself you’re really
using it for
that reason to really expand your consciousness
you don’t get anything out of it if you can’t
apply it to your life
you can’t just have the
experience and then become some fucking shut in
who doesn’t interact with the rest of the
world because all you want to do is
you know go down your basement turn the
lights out and do mushrooms
now you’re not even a part of us anymore like
you should be able to
you’ve got to be able to function in both
worlds in the
psychedelic
world and in this
world you got to be able to
navigate both dimensions
and i think if you do too much
drugs if you do them all the time
you know you can you can
definitely lose
your your handle on this world
so that’s my answer to that question i
think if you’re if you’re doing
anything consciousness expanding
you know and always do
things that have been
done for thousands and thousands of years i mean
i’m not telling you to do anything illegal but there’s
stuff that you can do that isn’t illegal they just
haven’t classified it yet
you know iwaska isn’t
technically illegal dmt is illegal
ayahuasca has even been sanctioned recently
some church in new mexico won a supreme court case
where they take dmt it’s part of
their christian
church it’s part of
their religious
ceremonies to get in
touch with god
yeah they want a supreme court case
very few people know
about it but
you got you
should know what the fuck you’re doing
that’s the real problem with
psychedelics is that there are no shaman anymore
you know in the in
you know these
tribes in peru
and these people that live in the amazon
there there is like
a history of usage that goes back thousands of years
and they pass it on from
generation to
generation and the shaman
that people that brew this
ayahuasca is this very
powerful dose
of dmt that comes in an orally active form
and they get it from combining these
plants and boiling into this
crazy mixture
between that and there’s also shaman in
other parts of the
world and mexico where they
their shaman
where they’re the
thing is mushrooms
and these are people that have navigated
these dimensions whether it’s
ayahuasca or mushrooms or peyote
they’ve navigated
these dimensions
many many many many times so they can tell you what to
expect there
they’ve learned from their
experiences and they can help you
you know i think that’s the real problem is that
psychedelic drugs
aren’t necessarily bad for you they’re just illegal
and when they’re
illegal they can be bad for you because
if you can get caught with them you can get locked up
your life can get fucked up if they find them
in your piss if you have to you know test
for some sort of a job and then also you
label the drug addict yeah
in that sense
psychedelic drugs can be bad
and the other
sense it’s like look
a circular saw like one of those
those are awesome
if you know how to use one
you could build a
house you could fucking do some cool shit
you can cut some wood that you would
never be able to cut with like a
steak knife
but it doesn’t mean everybody
should have a fucking circular saw and just be
using it all day
and that’s the same
thing with mushrooms
mushrooms are just like any kind of tool
you can like like i say with marijuana with a hammer
you can build a
house with a hammer
or you can just
hit yourself in the dick if you’re fucking crazy
it doesn’t mean that hammer
should be illegal
and that’s the same
thing with psychedelic drugs i
wouldn’t give
a circular saw to a 13 year old boy and say hey
go play with this
but if a guy is a goddamn carpenter
and he knows what he’s doing and he’s
gone up through
trade school
and he did an
apprenticeship and worked as a carpenter’s
apprentice and
learned how to use tools properly and
learn the proper
safety precautions
then yeah that guy
should be able to hold a fucking
chainsaw that guy
should be able to use a circular saw
guy should be able to work in a machine shop
he’s learned how to do it
and that’s the same
thing with psychedelic drugs there
should be someone
showing you
the dangers in the pitfalls and what it’s all
about because it’s not simply
that easy it’s not like you can just do them and you’re
gonna be okay
some people do
psychedelic drugs
and they’re so un
mentally prepared for it they’re
never the same again
you know and that’s
a real possibility and someone needs to be there to
evaluate whether or not you know
you’ve got the
proper information with your heads in the
right place
you know and that’s why it
would help if we were more open
about these fucking things
and it’s the nutty
thing is it’s
it’s still got this terrible
reputation and here we are you know in
2010 and i think the
reputation is all based on
the fact that we when we get something in our head we
stick with it
we get something
in our head even with all the information
like marijuana
still illegal
2010 in most
states it’s illegal
you know that’s
crazy when alcohol
and tobacco and all that shit is readily available
but we get it in our head that it’s bad
because it’s been illegal all our lives
it’s very tough for us to change gears
and for a long time we’ve had this
thing in our head
about psychedelic drugs
and it’s just a
cultural pattern
it’s just a lock we got talked into it when the
media was young
and when the newspapers were
around and that was the only way to get information out
they would publish
these stories
about marijuana
and the william
randolph hearst scandals
william randolph
hearst owned
not only did he own
newspapers but he also owned
paper mills
and when they invented the
decorticator
it made it more effective to process hemp fiber
and what he
started doing was attacking the hemp industry
so that he didn’t have to change over his
paper mills from wood
to hemp paper
this hemp is a far superior paper
it makes superior clothing
you can eat it like this
it contains all the essential amino acids in the seeds
besides the fact that it gets you high
even take away the get you high part even
the plants that don’t get you high at all are still
like really economically valuable
well william randolph
hearst attacked that industry
because he owned the newspapers
he started printing
these stories
saying that
blacks and mexicans were
smoking this new drug called marijuana and they were
going out and raping
white women
so because of that because he did this they all
you know people
got crazy and they all
got paranoid and
congress actually outlawed
marijuana not even knowing they were outlawing hemp
they didn’t even know it was the same thing
so that’s how marijuana became illegal in the
first place and that’s why it’s
still illegal
today is that once something is
stuck in our consciousness
it takes a long time to get it out
well i think that a long time
ago a long time ago it was probably very very common
in all cultures to have a shaman
to have some sort of
someone who is
aware of psychedelic
states john
marco allegro
he argues that that’s what christianity is all about
the christianity is all
about concealing
these secrets of
consuming hallucinogenic drugs
he was a guy who deciphered the dead sea
scrolls john
marco allegro worked in the dead sea
scrolls for 14 years and
after he did all this deciphering i don’t know if he’s
right neither do you
unless you’re a biblical scholar
unless you can
you know you
have to be a master of ancient languages you have to
study it for decades to even
understand what the fuck he’s talking about
i read it it’s like
makes sense sort of but
he could be totally bullshitting
but what his
story is was that
the entire christian religion was a
giant misunderstanding what it really was all
about was the consumption
of psychedelic mushrooms and fertility cults
and that’s what it was all
about it was all
about breeding
babies and taking mushrooms
which makes
sense people
lived thousands
and thousands years ago and didn’t know what
the sky was they didn’t have any science
and they’re popping mushrooms
they wouldn’t want
other people to know how badass the mushrooms are
you eat mushrooms you see god
they wouldn’t want
other people to know
about that so they
would hide it in stories it totally makes sense
some guy said i’ve tried robitussin
what are you kitty dukakis pal drinking robitussin
well it’s drinking aftershave fell
agreed this guy says he hates everything in the radio
i don’t hate everything on the
radio but god damn i hate a lot of songs
i think this is just a certain reality
and like a lot of
rap and a lot of
classic rock
i like sound guard too i love
soundgarden i heard they’re getting back together again
which i love
because i was not a fan
of that chris cornell shit on his own
yeah lately i haven’t been a fan at all
he seems like a really
cool guy and he’s talented as fuck as a singer but
there’s like some bands
they get together they got a
magic you know
i don’t think
even if they get back together i don’t
think it’s gonna be that good
really yeah
i think i think a lot of bands like
soundgarden they were good
because they were
young and they were
doing drugs and
going crazy
and just experiencing life
now i think
these are just people that have slowed down slowed
their role and they’re trying to be something or not
cause they’re
music just a lot of
these guys music just
you know i think that was kind of what i was talking
about earlier when i was saying that there’s a certain
level that you reach as
a performer you know
if you get too
famous you get too
successful it’s very hard to cope
it’s very hard to be
still creative and
still have enthusiasm
i mean how many guys
just get better and better
every album
it’s not that many you know
it’s very hard to pull off
who do you think has ever done it the longest
most consistently
will zeppelin one of
those guys probably
the beatles did it forever right yeah
did they ever fall
apart they got better right yeah
they got back i think so
yeah they did right they got into their psychedelic
stage you know they’re fucking the white album
stage plays rock
band better beatles rock band no it’s great because you
start off like shitty beatles
songs and you’re just like this song sucks whatever
and then you
start getting into like
psychedelic and
it’s cool the more you play the more into the music
well they didn’t just see the
thing about the beatles was they didn’t just change
their music
they changed like the
whole culture that was listening to them too
because people got swept up in
their music
you know people were such huge fans of john lennon
that when he
started getting into transcendental
meditation and
acid and you know hanging
out with gurus and shit they all got into it too like
he changed a lot of people’s consciousness
that was a guy that really really affected
a lot of the way
our culture operates the way people
think michael jackson too
fuck yeah yeah
yeah michael jackson just from the
music like how
powerful it was
like bad and thriller
man when i was a kid
there was nothing that was more popular than that yeah
it was so recognized that his
talent was just so far and
above everyone else’s
and you know
everybody’s like god it’s so sad that he’s such a
freak and he’s so crazy
but the more i’ve been
thinking lately
i think that when you get to
a certain level i
think there’s a certain
level of greatness
that some people achieve like a certain
frequency that some people achieve
and it’s almost
impossible to achieve if you’re not insane
it’s almost impossible
to push yourself that far
that hard because
it’s not easy to be like michael jackson
so fucking hard it’s not just natural
talent it’s a focus
and an energy
and that focus requires like
a very singular way of looking at
things and a very
a lot of sexual obsession
a lot of sexual abuse
i think that probably helps too
right dick’s in the back of his
what do you think you
think that’s what happened with him you
think it was abused
when he was a kid i
think probably
i mean well it’s all speculation they all were
it could have
been that he just got so fucked up because he got so
famous when he was so
young that he
never felt like he had a chance to
grow up and he wanted to go back to when he was a child
and he was just so psychologically
damaged that he
literally wanted to be around children
because he wanted to revert back
to that moment in his life before he realized that life
was haywire
you know i’ve thought that before
because you know what
the thing is
about all these
child molesting
accusations is that he was always around all
these poor kids and trying to help all
these kids with cancer and shit and people
who were broke
and it’s like
after a while i mean
these people like
all they have to do is say some crazy shit
about michael jackson
and you know it looks
weird why is
michael jackson hanging out with kids all the time
all i have to do is say some
crazy shit and he’s
gotta pay you
he’s gotta pay you
start going to the newspaper
and to these people that were
super broke
i mean that
would be so tempting
here’s this billionaire
the biggest
rock star music star in the history of the world
and he’s hanging out with your kid
he’s got your kid over for
sleepovers you
start i believe it though in some
but he didn’t
what i’m saying is
there’s not like a whole
bunch of people coming out saying he fucked them
you wouldn’t just fuck a couple kids
right you’d be fucking kids all over the
place right
especially if you’re michael jackson you’d be like the
tiger woods of kid fucking
you’d be just banging kids all over the place
if you got that obsession
where you want to have sex with kids
if you look at the
child molesters
like the recidivism rate is through the roof it’s
crazy it’s like a 99
or something like that i don’t know
i just made
that number up it’s real high though whatever it is
i’ve read it i don’t remember what the numbers are but
people have said time and time
again it’s very difficult to reform someone
so if he’s like banging kids
he’s not just
gonna bang one or
two but that’s why he had kids and he called the kid
blanket cause he’s always on top of em just
seriously seriously though
like that’s i mean if you’re a
child molester
and you get caught
wouldn’t you have kids you’re just saying it enough
yeah but you’re saying
that no none of his kids have ever come out and accused
him of doing that you can’t just say that you’re just
you’re adding
them no you’re making i’m not
saying that’s what’s true
i’m just saying
you said that
but i’m gonna say that’s what i believe in
i don’t believe me i believe that he probably
slept with kids
and he probably
kissed him but i don’t
think he’s like
you know like
doggy style
on the side of the bed or anything like that so you
think he just
did inappropriate shit yeah i bet he’s just
cause he thinks he’s a kid you know
maybe yeah maybe
with molested that by his father growing up you
think so i bet that’s what that was
because i mean
miley cyrus
would be fucking
black by now if that was true you know somebody
said this i don’t know who said this but i don’t know
not giving credit
but i don’t remember who it was
they said that they
think that michael jackson
might have been castrated
they think that at a certain
point in time
michael jackson
might have been castrated
and that’s why he
can sing at such a high pitch
even though he’s a
grown man that
might be why he’s so fucked up sexually
and totally make sense
especially you look at his children
those are not his children i mean they’re white kids
they’re a hundred percent
white and he’s a
black man i mean he
might have paid for someone to have
those kids for but they’re not his kids
you know and i think that
it’s real possible that that
that’s real
possible but it’s speculation yeah but janet and
all kind of have that kind of
voice you know no
tito doesn’t jermaine doesn’t
those are men
you look at his brother
those are men
unless he’s like some sort of
a biological
freak why does he have that
voice why is he look like that
why is he so
feminine why is his
voice so high pitched
even though he’s a
grown man i mean
could you imagine what if
what if i mean he’s so
crazy with his fucking plastic surgery
what if he had some bad sexual
experiences when he was younger
and he just decided to castrate himself
i mean you look at what he does to his face yeah
that’s not beyond the realm of question
i’m just making up fucking rumors
it works two hours in five minutes this is the goddamn
rumor show folks
what is that
this is my anger to one of
these twitter posters
i love those guys that just like some of your
math there’s
guys that just like trying to get your tag
look at me look at me like
every five posts
it’s the same guy castrated men can’t get hard man
oh can get hard man
uh they can
trust me i know that’s what he
said how do you know
i thought that was a
whole point castrating people
well i can unless you take like
you have take viagra some how do you
is anybody know this is there any
dick experts out there on the twitter
ladies and gentlemen
please give me some information
can you really get a hard on
after castrated
not by natural means
right you have to take something don’t you
seems like when the balls are
whacked out that’s a wrap son
that’s a wrap son
some wrap son
i’m glad you guys are
enjoying it jp j four p zero
this is fun fun for me too man
what i bang a sixteen year old no man
listen you know
they look hot that’s a problem and they’re
ready to fuck they really are
you know what teenagers
i mean i’m not saying anybody
should fuck them but when you
see a girl like when i was sixteen when i was sixteen
i was having sex
weren’t you i
i was having sex and my
girlfriend was 15 and she was
built like a woman
she looked like a
woman she had
tits and she had a big ass and it was a
woman and she wanted sex all the time
i mean that’s a
that shit is real you know
i mean that’s but you’re not supposed to do it
doug stanhope has a joke
about it me and
brian me and ari
were talking
about on the plane
ari told me the joke that doug said
and apparently doug said you know
you know you say that they don’t
they that they’re 16 years old they shouldn’t be having
babies well
guess what god disagrees
that’s why they can get pregnant
and that’s a really good point yeah
you know i mean that’s really true but no i
wouldn’t have sex with a 16 year old that’s a child
you know even i mean
even if a girl is like
twenty like
i’m forty fucking two years old
like i’ve heard of dudes that are like my
age that have like
twenty year old
girlfriends and everybody laughs
about it like wow look at that guy’s
got we have a
buddy that has a wife and his wife’s nineteen
you know and he’s in his forties it’s crazy
but you know what
that’s them
they like it and they have a good time i
have a hard time talking to people
you know i can’t
i mean if i’m living with someone they have to be smart
i mean i need someone who has some
experience and some
information you have to be on the same
level as me
and there’s something that you deny
when you’re younger but you realize when you get older
is that when you fuck
when you have sex with someone
even though you like to
think that it’s just physical you just getting it
you blow a load
it’s not that simple there’s some sort of a
weird connection that
human beings make
when they fuck
and especially
when you do it to someone who’s young
like they we
learn how to ignore that
connection and we
learn how to like
push each other away when we get
older we learn how to separate and
and get you know just deal with it
about like physically
but when you’re
young like you
get so attached you remember how attached to her the
first person you had sex with
holy shit unless that person’s a
total douchebag
you know you like it really like hooked on them
like puppy love is brutal
you know that’s
what they call
you’re inexperienced in the incredible connection
and you as you get
older you learn how to manage that
connection but the
connection is real
and if you’re a
grown adult
and you know you’re
especially if
you’re in a position to take advantage of this kid
you know they’re
young and naive and
silly and you’re fucking them
that’s a weird
thing you know
then again a lot of
twenty year olds are
horny as fuck
and they want some dick
i’m not telling you what to do
do whatever you want to do but to me
why not you know
girls eighteen that’s like a baby to me it’s
that’s a little
child i like
women you know
i don’t like them old
i don’t even like my age
but it’s women are more fun
i like people talk to people don’t you
some dude josh jitsu says i’m twenty three
well good for you you young little whippersnapper
when i was twenty three i was fucking retarded
all right i was a complete total dumbass
so i hope you were smarter than me sir because
life can be tough when you’re stupid
you know and if you we all come from a different
place you know we all have a different
you know different
starting point that’s what it is you know
some people
their parents are super cool and real open and
their dads their best friend and
you know and
their dad was you know
very educated
and intelligent and raised them you know very
in a very smart way
and i know that person is a huge head start
huge huge huge head
start in life if your parents are cool
my parents are
divorced when i was a little kid my you know my stepdad
came in the
picture when i was
seven he was
twenty four
and imagine if you were
twenty four years
old and you know actually i was five when he came into
picture you were
twenty four years old and
you have a fucking
five year old kid hanging around with you
you know so if he came in the
picture when i was five then he was like
twenty two that’s
young as fuck
you know to be
that young and
to be around someone else’s kid someone else’s
loud ass kid
you know that’s hard to deal with
so a lot of you out there
maybe you my
twenty three year old friend
maybe you have a head
start you know
maybe you’ll be
smarter than me when you were 23 than when i was 23
but i think
what what i was talking
about recently with a friend of mine
was that guys like michael
jackson or you know or anybody that i know that’s
exceptional
almost everybody i know
that’s really
exceptional in anything had kind of a fucked up
childhood i
think that’s really
weird you know
people that i know that are
like all my friends that are like really good comics
all my friends that are
like really good artists
all of them had fucked up childhoods
what are you doing showing the beginning
thing again
showing the beginning
thing again yeah
that beginning
thing’s pretty badass
i think you know
i think it’s horrible
you know that people have fucked up
childhoods but i think
there’s something
something that comes out of that right
yeah like when you’re in balanced it’s like
your your ride is so much rockier
but there’s so much more energy behind it it’s like
if you can get
a hold of it and and control your personality and
and figure out a way to stabilize it
it’s like you have so much more thrust
than a person is content
but it might be unhealthy
final words
final words listen bitches i ain’t got no final words
take a couple of these questions in the
forums joe rogan net website before we bail
this is fucking question
what is your take
on the global
freeman on the land movement
what do you think without law and
order people will generally maintain the
peace or descended to anarchy that’s hilarious
some people are just waiting for shit to fall apart man
you know how many people do we have on our message
board this is a dude
named forty two kang
just listen to the
first question what
is your take on the global freeman on the land movement
fuck are you talking about man
what does that mean
what is it what are you saying
dude what’s your take you man
this is my favorite
thing when people go man you’re
gonna have to
gold is gonna become what’s valuable our
money’s gonna fall
apart man it’s
gonna be only
thing that’s
gonna be worth something is gold reeling
did you ever
watch mad max you
stupid fuck
when society falls
apart you’re
gonna need a car and guns and gasoline okay
you’re not gonna need gold
nobody gives a fuck about that
stupid yellow
metal you’re
gonna need bullets
okay you’re
gonna need food and a place to
sleep that’s warm
you know i’m saying
the fuck you doing gold
gold isn’t worth anything
pussy and guns
that’s that’s all
those are valuable assets
cars that’s important a
house that’s important
preferably surrounded by
chain link fence
and dogs okay
that’s what you’re
gonna need you’re not
gonna need gold you dumb fuck
what do i think
about james tony
fighting the
ufc i’m a huge
james tony fan he was an awesome boxer
still is an awesome boxer
but you know
i don’t know if he’s really into it if he’s really
into it he’s a fucking you know he’s a fucking champion
a guy’s so good at boxing he can get
wrestling if you really who knows
maybe he’s been
watching this
shit for years we don’t know everybody’s talking shit
he might have been
secretly working on his
wrestling he
might have a six brawl
if you gotta
stand up with that dude he’s got four
ounce clubs
he’s gonna fuck you up oh damn
james tony boxing with you that guy’s
gonna fuck you up
i don’t know how he eats
those leg kicks though
like kicks my fuck them
up get a guy like race ifo in there with them boom boom
those fucking
thunderous tree
trunk leg kicks
slamming down on your meat
making your legs buckle
you only took a couple of
those bitches
are you on page
three yet no
well i have
everything set up so there’s a hundred images
or a hundred posts why
am i excited
about coming to toronto have i ever been no i’ve
never been to toronto and i can’t fucking wait
your wife has nice tits madapoo
very nice tits
he told me to say that
he said tell my wife she has nice tits
she does she has nice tits
congratulations sir
i’m reading the page man
you not see
he said i’m just seeing if he’s reading the page really
he had to say
that because you didn’t want to be bragging
about your wife’s
tits you know
what does it say
about being drunk is better
smoking weed and fucking is just awesome
being drunk is better when it comes to eating
pussy though really
not in my opinion
in my opinion being
drunk is better when it comes to eating ass
because that’s the only time i do it
cause i never eat ass when i’m sober
the only time you eat ass when
you’re sober is when you just got out of jail
when you’re when you’re high
you don’t want
to eat ass either but i i’ll eat the fuck out of some
pussy when i’m hot mmm
you just you like
it depends if
megan fox ass i’ll eat that anytime of it
yeah anytime
of the day eat that ass fuck yeah what if it’s all poo
it doesn’t matter
you don’t care no you even wipe it off
or just dive in there oh
wipe it off with your mouth i’ll
start with the hair
well that’s why i
think it’s important to drink
drinking the reason why
drinking and eating ass
goes in hand in hand is the alcohol kills the e coli
i mean when you’re
drinking jack and cokes and you eating ass
the alcohol is killing any bad bacteria that alcohol is
flushed your whole
system with poison
nothing’s growing in that
no no bacteria
is gonna take hold
it’s gonna get swallowed up in that
whole antiseptic
chemical reaction
that the jack and coke has
that’s why you really
think you can eat ass when you’re
on jack and coke
when you’re high you don’t want to eat ass
but when you’re
high like this is probably not the best idea
what if i get sick
you know where you put like
metal in there and it
cleans the metal did you see
know that what
if you take jewelry and put it in a can of coke
it just dissolves all this shit
out of coke in a frog
yeah if you
put a frog in a
thing of coke like a dead frog
it just eats all
the skin away and just bone makes it bone is that true
folks or is that one of those
those dude that
looks dangerous
because i heard that the taking the
paint off cars was bullshit is that bullshit
i don’t think so
snopes anyone do
you know one of the best
things to clean your
grill is coke
really yeah
damn in a rag
but you know what
the doctors when you having like a fucking
barbecue sandwich
a nice goddamn cold coke
tastes pretty fucking delicious
right so barbecue pork pulled pork sandwich mmm
all right ladies and gentlemen
i think that’s
gonna be the end we’re
gonna take one more question so we end on a high note
but we are enjoying the fuck out of this
here’s this to disclosure product has 400
witnesses proving
et life exists
even astronauts
listen just
cause you have 400 people saying
that they’ve seen ufos that does not mean there’s ufos
that means you
have 400 people that say they’ve seen ufos
and they might really believe they seen ufos
but you know they have a real problem that hunters
have a real problem and
this happens all over the
world where
the most experienced hunters
are the ones
that wind up accidentally killing people
and the reason being is that
these guys when
your experienced hunter
you know that sometimes your window of opportunity
where you get a shot at a deer
is real short
you gotta be able to
react the deers
right there through the trees
done you gotta be able to shoot
and people see
things that aren’t there
and one of the
things they all say
universally
when they have an accident
and these are like good people church
going people no anger
no violence issues
guys are just love hunting
they say they
swear they saw a deer they
swear they saw a deer
one guy accidentally shot this son
this woman in maine
and she had
white mittens on
and he is following a deer
and this lady was in the woods and she had her
white mittens on
and he saw that
white and he said he saw the buck
he said he saw it
he said it was
right there in
front of him
and he said he
squeezed off the trigger
we don’t fully
understand how
the our consciousness
and our imagination affects what we see
it’s still very much
it’s there’s something
tricky to it
hallucinations and the bill to see
things that aren’t there
that’s real
and if someone’s in a very heightened state
if they’re in a very heightened
state like if they’re in the heightened state of
wanting to see a deer
or if they’re in the heightened
state of being in the woods in the dark and you
think you see a
monster you can see a fucking monster
you can really see it
you can convince yourself that you’ve actually seen it
if you see something
and you don’t know what it is
you will turn it into your mind and make it a
monster if you’re out in the woods and it’s
pitch black
and you stumble into a wild boar
and you barely see it
and it makes
noise and runs away
you could it
could be some
too you know
too fucking
foot tall troll man
with you know
giant fucking
furry feet and glowing eyes you
could make something up in your head
and you don’t
think you’re doing it
but you’re doing it
the human imagination and
human memory are not totally to be trusted
so unless they have actual evidence
listening to anybody talk
about ufos you have to listen to them and go
hmm maybe maybe
i’m not saying that you can’t get
you know here from
other planets i mean if you are so sophisticated
that you can
travel to this
world from another galaxy or another
solar system
why wouldn’t you be so sophisticated that you
could hide why
wouldn’t you be so sophisticated
that your ufo is
completely invisible
why wouldn’t you be totally undetectable
why wouldn’t you
mean maybe they
would just have
everything completely mastered
the idea that
you know they
would show themselves
and look like they’re dangling on a string
allow people to take
pictures and
you know and they oh
maybe they wanted us to see them
really and that’s
how they did it they just showed up in some
weird obscure
place where
you know no
no no come on man
no that’s not what they’re doing
if there really are
aliens they’re probably so alien
you can’t even recognize them
they’re probably
i think that what we recognize is what we see in our
dimension what we see in our environment we see in our
world i think
there’s probably life forms out there that exist
that are so
alien to us we don’t even have the
senses to detect them
you know and the way i’ve talked
about this before and i was talking
about farts
and that by when someone farts
if you don’t have a nose you have no idea it stinks
you there’s
literally something
going around you that’s invisible
and this sense that you have tunes into it
how do we not know that there are an infinite amount of
things that we cannot detect
that are around us all the time we don’t
it’s just guesswork
because something’s not on the same
frequency as us
something’s not
solid it’s not
tangible you can’t bang on it because
just because of that
doesn’t mean it’s not real
and if there are
aliens they’re probably so fucking alien
you can’t even see
them they’re probably on a totally different
frequency than we are
i’m not buying all
these dudes that say they’ve seen ufos
cause they really
wanna see ufos
these motherfuckers
want to see it
they have all had
experiences and something’s happened to them
but they want to see ufos
they want so bad they’ve
given up on
their jobs they’ve
given up on
their careers
they’ve decided to pursue
ufology full time
they make youtube
videos constantly they do conferences and seminars
they have a
lot of vested interests involved in the idea of flying
saucers and
ships from other planets coming to this earth
and there’s a lot of
psychological
things you have to take into consideration like why
these people want to see
these things
and when these
experiences happen
that’s another
thing people have individual
experiences
especially alien abduction
experiences
most of those
things come in the middle of the night
while people are dreaming
and when you’re
dreaming in the middle of the night your
brain is producing all sorts of
psychedelic chemicals
including dmt
the most potent
psychedelic
known to man is produced
when you’re in
heavy rem sleep
so when these people are having
these alien abduction
experiences
how do you not know that it’s not your imagination
mixed in with
psychedelic
drugs that you don’t even know you’re having
you’re having
these things and your
brain is producing
them and you’re having
these incredible fucking
psychedelic trips and
maybe you’re halfway into a
dream and you wake up
and you’re still
tripping out of
these chemicals in your fucking
brain and you
start creating
all these scenarios with your imagination next
thing you know you’re on a
spaceship why because
you’re in the middle of a fucking natural dmt trip
and if you smoke
tnt i’m just dumb people that want
money joe actually
there’s some people that aren’t dumb though
there’s some people that aren’t dumb that have real
experiences
know i’ve seen
their interviews i’ve read
stuff they have i’ve read all the john mac books
john pay attention whores
some of them yes
they vary it’s there’s no one
you can’t generalize
people have had ufo
experiences
but the any
any supernatural phenomenal
out of the ordinary
experience has to be considered
in all sorts of different ways
where’s the evidence and what else
could it have been
and when you look at
what time these
things are taking
place almost universally they take
place late at
night when people
especially alien abduction
experiences
almost universally take
place late at
night and when
these people have
these experiences they’re all like sleeping
they’re all
half out of it and something happens to them
it’s much more likely an endogenous dump of
psychedelic chemicals
ladies and gentlemen i’m no
expert my disclaimer
i don’t know what the fuck i’m talking
about this is
all shit that i’ve read on the internet and
watch documentaries on and
learned when i was in my isolation tag
stoned we’ve had a good time here today
brian did you have a good time
fifty percent of the time
fifty percent of time
what what didn’t you like
about today
i’ve heard a lot of it before yes
that’s the problem
when these subjects
come up a lot of times i’ve said i’ve talked
about all this shit many times before but
brian has to realize there’s
a lot of people out there that have not seen me talk
about all these
things before and when
interesting subjects like this come up you know you
gotta you gotta address it you know
i think it’s there important
things to talk about
but we had a good fucking time
thank you very much we’re
gonna do this
every week like i said i upgraded my internet today
finally it’s up so now i can get
brian here beside us and we can load
videos up and shit and
like i said behind us we’re
gonna put up a
green screen
and when we put up the green
screen we’re
gonna be able to
have like a
space background and shit
i got all kinds of cool
things coming on and we’re
gonna do this
every week fuck it it’s fun i enjoy it
next week i’m
gonna try to
bring on my boy joey diaz
maybe eddie bravo will join us as well
maybe ari shafir
will join us we
might have a
whole party in here
cause next week i’m
gonna have a big
couch in here
so thank you very much
i had a good time you
motherfuckers
if you want to come see me do
stand up if you’re in
miami i’m at the
lincoln theatre
in miami on the
22nd which is i
think it’s next saturday and next friday
next friday next friday
next friday the so
nine days from today
so thank you very much everybody let’s play that
thing on full
screen that’s all end
thank you very much
love you bitches
see you next week
new pronounce