The Joe Rogan Experience #5 - Ari Shaffir & John Heffron

tell me when we do it right before we do it i’m

gonna say here we go here we go hold on

i need that

oh god

oh god

oh god that’s

a pig

why are they getting this they’re not hearing the sound

brian they’re not hearing the sound

it’s just hit their on

huh you’re on but the video is not making sound

the video is not making sound because it’s not

the programs just freaking out

it’s too much

get the fuck off the phone you’re live in front of

hundreds of people

there i didn’t know john heffron ladies and gentlemen

winner of last comic

standing not like those faggots he beat

yeah he’s the goddamn champion

we the first champion of lapcom i was

i was second

who the fuck was the first deck fan

that fan good old that

was that does that

in any way diminish your accomplishment

what happened

that dude i don’t know what happened to him i

think he’s he

does well yeah i

think he’s that he does a lot of shows and

they they sell out and

stuff like that

so kissing that fans ass he’s got he’s got

that’s actually a nice guy

yeah that’s the

thing a lot of guys like to bag

on the guy for

because when he wanted he was really really

green and new

but i don’t follow

anybody for that yeah he’s always been nice to me

he’s been nice to me too i’ve

never seen him wants to stand up

and i saw him

i judged the

first last comic

standing and he fucking

crushed you did

the laugh fact that was when

we caught ants

stealing material

and that’s when

buddy rocket

screamed at me

right right almost had a

heart attack

that was a fucked up

story because this dude aunt was

stealing jokes

we don’t like

like book jokes right like

jokes out of movies old

carlin shit

and you know i

complimented him

first and said you’re really

good performer you got a lot of energy you know but

i’ve heard that shit before

and then buddy hack it

starts you fucking asshole

who the fuck are you you fucking asshole

my cat just got scared

come here baby come here

she got scared when i use my

buddy hackett voice she gets scared

come here baby

come here you want to be on tv he’s not doing more

buddy hack voices um

come here honey

anyway the story was with buddy hackett

when i when i started

when i started saying that this guy was

stealing material

buddy hackett

got really upset because

but you know buddy hackett’s like

an old school like

he’s a comic from like you know the the catskills days

those guys all stolen their

you know they all did each

other’s jokes and there was no internet back then

yeah right wasn’t even any fucking

tv you had some gags and he did them and nobody knew

yeah and if you didn’t

do your gags

first you know the guy in

front of you did them

you know i mean

you know what’s

funny is a lot of guys

from that era like

bob newhart’s

famous for the

phone bit yeah

yeah bob new

hearts famous for he’s like on the

phone and he’ll do one sided

the one sided

phone conversation

hilarious but there’s

a lot of guys from that era who did the same exact

phone bit so well um

anyway wild

he was yelling at me

there was a part of me

that wanted to go shut the fuck up you old cocksucker

but i didn’t

i swap he died two weeks later

wow which means he was real

close to death that

night could have

so if i yelled at him

he might have keeled over and fucking died

right there and it was

there was a

ten percent

ten percent of me

that was like

why am i listening to this old douchebag because my

philosophy on old people has always been

that old assholes were assholes when they were young

they just survived you know

right you just became an asshole when you turn

eight that guy’s a douchebag

and i thought

about yelling at him but i said you know what

that’s not gonna help anybody

and i’m like what’s the

point this is all on

television so everyone’s

gonna see this guy’s material they’re

gonna see what’s

going on everyone’s

gonna know what happened so

i did nothing

so here we are with

john hephron

neural linguistic programming freak

john hephron is

recalibrating his mind

he’s had some very negative

negative patterns that he was following

earlier on in his life

these abandon all those

no more drinking no more bad

stuff john heffron is all about positive energy and

and and tony robbins right well doug

kind of yeah but the tony robbins without the

walking on on fire and going to a seminar with

twenty thousand really

motivated people yeah what is the walking on fire it’s

probably helps you it teaches you to walk on fire

how you would then apply that

skill to other things in your life i have no idea

you know cause even if

you have an argument with your girl you can’t go well

i can walk on fire

it won’t apply to

anything else but walking on fire

right like guys

fighting that bus boards

right it’s great if

a guy jumps in

front of you with

six boards yeah what’s the fucking

point of breaking

boards i don’t get that or the

break in the

i guess it’s your

power in a punch but not well that is if a guy is

standing there

boards break pretty easy that’s a sad

thing those

boards used for demonstrations

outbreak when i as a kid

i can go whenever we used to open up a new school

we would all have to go and do demonstrations and

what part of demonstration was you had to kick boards

break boards so

it was just always seems so silly

that’s awesome

what was i gonna say we

we’re talking about the newer linguistic stuff oh yeah

so buddy hackett so

you’re doing all this programming

and this programming leads to

better performances on stage

yeah it’s basically that it just kind of

we rewires your brain everybody

if something happens you probably react

similar in every single situation

so this kind of just change your

brain to maybe take a

the best it gives you options to handle

situations where

you have zero options then you’re just gonna freak out

and if you have

a few you usually take the best option for

but it also keeps you from doing

shitty things

right it keeps you from ruining your life

yeah for me

yeah for me what i did is you kind of work

backwards you figure out what you want to accomplish

and then you kind of get all

those feelings

and what it feel like once you accomplish

those and it kind of

let your brain know this is the way i

wanna go this is make

every decision um

in the right way to to obtain that goal

you know i think

for me it’s

you know some people go well that’s all common

sense stuff but

there’s a big difference between

common sense and

you know it’s common knowledge or actually

applying it

right but you

apply it now you’re all

about doing that

right yeah i do before i get on

stage i do some techniques to get me because you know

as stand ups you can get in

people don’t realize it’s not

what you travel with guys that

you like but a lot of times i’m working with dudes that

bug me yeah you know

problem or material

yeah or whatever so you get in a bad mood for

eight billion different reasons before you get on

stage and then you

enter that stage and you’re kind of in a pissy mood

which in that comes across to the

crowd or what i

would do is i

would see a

group of guys let’s say and in my head i

would go all

those guys are

gonna heckle

and then i start playing this

movie in my head all they’re

gonna heckle

right of my favorite joke

oh it’s gonna wreck that

thing and i

start to go like

literally play

it out as if it happened so then when i got on stage

i was already mad at

these guys that didn’t say anything

so i take the

stage with a little bit more

testosterone and then that

puts a weird vibe on the

crowd even though those guys

might have not set anything the entire show

but now i do that with

every part of my life and i

think a lot of people do you know you

like oh look at that girl over there i’d ask her out

she’s probably

gonna say no though

she’s probably

gonna say no and make me feel

stupid in front of all

my other friends and blah blah blah

just do the

same there’s a lag

there is a definitely a lag because i’m

watching us on the video

and it’s totally different from what we’re saying

it’s like john

still talking on the

video but right now i’m

you’re always

gonna have that though really

was that because you

streamed gay as fuck it’s just we’re live streaming

video you know

is it would it be

better if we were on blog

tv i mean it

what about justin

tv would that be better yeah but

who cares about

what people

watching this care man

is a guy saying lag he’s upset

no how did how did

they know there’s a lag because he’s watching the

video and the sound is different

no no the sound in video is the same is it yeah okay

it’s a 15 it is a 15

seconds delay

oh how the hell does he know there’s a lag then

he’s probably

on a slow shitty you got a shitty ass internet

connection faggot

why you blaming us

aol dial up

john heffron

not only is he a

stand up comedian he also hosted the

mma awards this year

which was a total

fucking disaster

really complete

i didn’t say it was a total

the edited version

came out awesome the way you told it to me well

for me for me it was the

check cleared

the check is

clear let’s talk yeah the check is

clear but for me

it was where the

people who got to see it on

versus got to see it live

as if it was happening so there was a lot of

shoot this guy this guy sucks

um to those

to me talking

about me hosting

i didn’t get to

those sitting

in the safety of

their computer and being

maybe 15 or 16 years old you

would probably think

that it suck

not realizing that hosting something like oh

ladies and gentlemen the

sound if you just have to

press refresh if you

press refresh

your sound and

video should sync up that’s that’s what’s coming on

some dude said that the

mma awards were lame

well you know what

well i compared to

oh yeah my thing to that lame

lame this is

my thing is

is lame to what

is like is what i don’t get is people

compare them and me awards to what the

oscars no no no

no it’s just

like not interesting to

watch you know it was a

clip show it was

a highlighted

clip show and people got to realize i

think for the

first one in the

budget they had

that’s why you know

guys like you or

kevin j people

always like why is the rogan host why isn’t kevin j

like big guys that people know honestly

because they had zero dollars well it’s also

the hosting

thing i couldn’t host

today because

i’m a commentator for the

you see yeah and they wanted to make it non

yeah they wanted some even

though i’m i’m a huge

mma fan and i’m as objective as possible

when it comes to

other organizations like

i’m always talking

about theodore

and i’m always talking

about ioki and all

these different guys who fight

alistar overream

and different guys are

fighting other organizations i’m

i’m a big believer in you know

you have to

look at all i mean if you’re a fan you have to

like all the different organizations you can’t just be

loyal obviously the

ufc’s the greatest job i’ve ever had and it’s a fucking

awesome gig and and i

appreciate the hell out of it and i love the job but

as a fan you know you can’t just only follow the

fighters and the

fights that are in that organization that’s just silly

i love my favorite

thing i tweeted this so i was

watching you do a


one of the fights i love when you call out an entire

group of twenty thousand people for bullying

because i i get i get mad like

just drunk yeah

the bottom line is that i

understand if they didn’t like the decision that makes

sense but once the dude is

talking when they’re interviewing the dude boo and him

all he did was like

aaron simpson versus

tom laurel yeah

was the last one

like you can’t boo

aaron simpson

the guy fought his ass off

he got hurt really bad the

first round

and came back and won the

second and the

third and it was a

really gutty performance

man and it had mad endurance and even in the

third round

he outpaced tom

lawler i mean it was just a

great fight

overall great fight

and i don’t know how anybody could have

enjoyed it i mean

i think in situations like that i hate

close decisions

because close decisions like that

man it could have gone either way

and so the fight

really took

place everybody saw what happened

and to decide that one

guy wanted or another guy wanted when it’s that close

i would much rather have a draw

i think that

fight could have easily been a draw

you know a lot of people thought that tom lawler won

which i definitely

think he won the

first round

but i think

aaron simpson won the

second and third

although not in as

large a margin

second very

slight in the

third a little bit more

i think if you looked at it on

paper you could say well

maybe you could give the first

round 10 8 but

the bottom line is

forget about all that the bottom line is it was a

great fight

either guy should feel like a loser

like there’s no way tom waller

should feel like a loser

after that fight

and there’s no way

aaron simpson

should have got booed i why

anytime i’ve been

alive fight or or you hear the people

i don’t get mad but i love when people start

going you know

start yelling

stand them up when they’ve been on the ground for

maybe 35 seconds yeah it’s the

war if guys

or if guys feel out each

other like i’m okay with and i’ve

sparred i mean i sparr

mma is my golf i don’t sparr

to really try to

kill anybody i

enjoy the workout of it but even

you know you

have to fill out a guy you don’t just go go and then

start start

you know people

expect like hockey

fights sometimes

where just erupts immediately

they walk out they go toe to toe

in start well i

think it’s just that the when the action is

great it’s so exciting

that people want to keep that part going

and then when it goes to the ground the uneducated fans

if they don’t know what’s going on

they get upset but

problem is the

referees in

small towns

like when we go to memphis i don’t say

small towns memphis isn’t a

small town but

we go outside of vegas

a lot of times they use

local referees

and these guys they’re

too busy they get involved in the action too much

you know fight guys fight guys

while they’re

fighting you know like guys in the

guard he’s working as guards

trying for an armbar trying for something

i’m gonna stand you up i’m

standing up

what the fuck are you talking

about you’re

standing up

these guys are

fighting i don’t

think most are part of

fighting i don’t

think most people realize the difficulty

is i mean just

have somebody your size if not a little bit bigger

lay on top of you

and then stand up from that position

just letting that person just with

their weights and

how hard it is

just to stand up

what do you mean

like if i’m

on if i’m on my back and you’re on top of me and i

and i scramble

and i get it that we both

we stand up together

that’s a huge feet in itself

it is you know it

maybe not that it

should be that the only

way you should get up is if you got up

it shouldn’t be the referee

stands you up i hate all that shit

i’ve always said that if

if someone like brock lesnar

can take you down and molest you for five minutes yeah

then that’s tough shit

tough shit he’s got you on your back you gotta find

a way to get back up tp

and if you can’t

it’s five minutes of him

punching you in the face and

that’s life

and if your technique to

avoid that is to turn

and run in circles so we can’t tackle you

then do it then that’s it yeah

it is whatever

gets you and

believe me that’s

gonna you what’s

gonna decide

your career

is gonna be fans

and whether fans like your style

whether or not you sell tickets whether

or not you know you optimize your potential as a

mixed martial arts

and the fans are

gonna let you know whether or not they like your

style and if you got a boring ass

style even if you like winning

fights nobody’s

gonna give a shit

they’re not

gonna buy your pay per

views and that’s like that’s like

that’s commerce you know that’s how

it’s supposed to work you know it’s supposed to be

let let the

market dictate

what you know whether people

like people or not now i you said you sent a clip the

other day of tag team

but what do you

think the evolution if we were just to pretend the

evolution you

think maybe in

40 years they’d be like

maybe numchucks on

a hook on the side of the cage

where then no i think

that’s not as fun

the fun things

man to man no weapons that’s what i mean you

could go to

roman gladiator

style have dudes have

sword fights and they would be

certainly be fucking crazy but

ultimately i don’t

think it would be as

enjoyable just be more fucked up

because you’re champions

yeah yeah yeah

moto musashi you know musashi

beat 62 men in

sword fights

but unless you’re musashi

you know what’s

gonna happen you’re

gonna get fucking sliced up

you know what sucks

about that tag team idea is half the people probably

think that’s a great idea

no they all came from

wrestling no they don’t everybody’s

wrestling fans that

fulken turd

no go to the

go to the youtube clip that i posted up on tag team mma

every fucking car

what the fuck is this gay shit

now why was this what happened then

what happened from the

transition of wrestling

thinking that’s an awesome idea to all

those fans well

wrestling’s fake i know but

i mean basically

the real the evolution is war

it’s like football

it’s like a team of

mma guys on one side of the

field and it’s yeah that’s true i

never thought you know it

i got a hawk hogan

story for you by the way when we were at the ufc he sat

right in front of me and he has this really

weird hair where it looks like it’s a wig almost

but he pulled out a comb and during the ufc the

whole time he was just combing the back of his hair

and like just like kind of go like this like

flipping it over his

shoulder and i was just like

is this really

the hulk hogan that i know he’s combing his hair

well he probably

does it like for like it’s probably a show

like part of his

image images

you know because i mean he’s

silly he’s always on

when he’s out in public

you know he’s the hulkster

dude interviewing him was the shit was that yeah he’s

fucking awesome man he was really nice guy huh it’s

great guy real nice guy

every interview well not

every interview you’ve done i saw you interview

there’s been a

fight in the

stands right before you go to talk to them

yeah it happened with a

sylvester stallone

your interview rocky

and there was a

there was a thing

did it happen with hulk

there’s always like a little moment

right before

it’s funny i

guess or to make it more realistic

maybe you could have cage

fighting or

where you have the two

fighters and then

random people

standing around like a bar fight

so then you’d have to

worry about

throwing a punch back in heaven it’s

gonna be robots

mma in the future no

i got human chimp hybrids

people are gonna like

infuse their body with chimp dna and just

jump over the top of the cage they’re

gonna be so much stronger and faster

well if there’s

gonna be some

definitely there’s

gonna be genetic engineering in the future

and when genetic engineering becomes a reality

forget about steroids steroids are

gonna be nonsense it’s gonna be nothing

when they get jeans

that inhibitors

you know that you ever seen the video of

there’s there’s a couple kids that have been born with

myostat and problems

and what happens is they develop like you

extreme amount of muscle they have

all that like there’s whippets

there’s a dog called the whippet

and they they breed

these dogs to try to make them you know fast

to make them

sleek and run fast

and occasionally

they have an error in their genetics and they get

giant muscles

like they look like they don’t even really look

photoshop but it’s a real dog

like super roided up

shredded and no fat it’s incredible

but they’ve done it already to mice

they’ve engineered mice

so that these mice

have this mile statin

inhibitor situation

going on and they have giant muscles and they can

they live longer i mean

i’m all for man i hope all that stuff comes around

right around the time when

you know i’m in my 60s 70s

it’s gonna happen man i’m

gonna sylvester

still on it

well it’s everything is

going in a direction where

like science fiction

like the things that we thought of as being

completely ridiculous in the 1980s the

stuff that you would see in a movie

mean it’s all real now

well you know i mean

you see that new microsoft

touch thing

where they have a

table and you can put something on the table

and it recognizes what that

something is and gives you information on it i mean

that’s like minority

or type shit

i mean this is all

gonna happen

i was talking

about that new cell

phone idea that nokia has

where it’s a

phone that you’re talking and then you flip it on your

wrist when you’re doing

it turns into jewelry

yeah and it wraps around you yeah

yeah it’s like

those bracelets

those old metal bracelets you used to like flip on your

wrist you know like girls

would have them

and stuff but

it’s a cell

phone it’s a bendable lcd and they just patented

it the other day

and it’s pretty much

what it is they can un straighten it out use it as a

phone and then

when they’re done you just flip it on your wrist

i saw the they had this what’s that

neo technology

where they took shark skin

how it’s all bladed

and they made this suit that’s almost unstabbable and

stuff for like soldiers

where you wear

almost like a wetsuit

but it’s nothing can get through it

so it’s like kevlar kevlar but it’s thinner and

stuff than it’s

ever been before so you can wear it as a full body

and you can’t stab someone with it

well regular kevlar can be

stabbed straight on here with a

knife you can

get through

kevlar but this is some

shark skin is what it’s

some guy invented he invented it to stop

shark attacks and

but it’s not that chain mail

stuff it’s like a wetsuit that can’t be

so now they’re messing with that

stuff one day they’re

gonna have a real iron man suit

that’s right

it’s gonna be

crazy if they don’t already

i mean they got it

or all the guys are

gonna look like halo the dudes from

from halo definitely

all that technology it’s

gonna be like star wars

where you’re

gonna have a helmet that you pull out so you know

you can’t breathe the air outside and stuff well

yeah there’s

going to be that but i

think most of the war is

going to be

fought like what the cia is doing in pakistan

right now they got

drones and these

drones are flying

over pakistan just launching missiles down on people

the bottom line is that all

things accelerate

no things stay

exactly where they are and the only time they degrass

is when there’s a gigantic nostril

natural catastrophe

or you know somebody blows up a

bunch of nuclear weapons and

you know we go back to being fucking cavemen

i mean that’s the only way

things are gonna decelerate

but the way

things are going right now

they’re gonna

move in a crazy or

crazy direction i mean

faster faster

we went from

from bows and

arrows to guns to cannons to

and it keeps

going and going and going

and now it’s fucking

drones that fire missiles from the sky

i mean that’s and then

you know like the star wars

program they were trying to do with during the raid


you know they were trying to have it so that they have

satellites that can

shoot down missiles

from space but

apparently that was all bullshit

apparently that

never really worked and

apparently there’s a gigantic conspiracy

wrapped around

the scientists

that were involved in the star wars program because

apparently a

fuckload of them have died

under suspicious

causes yeah

yeah there’s

a if you google it

anybody wants to google it we can google it

right now and i’ll put up a link for you guys but

i don’t know if this is a

legit obviously

i don’t know if it’s a

legit conspiracy theory

but the star wars scientists

on the side note on

the conspiracy theory

stuff that you talk about is there

one site if you let’s say you’re a new guy alex jones

infowars com

ladies and gentlemen

geo marconi scientist

death conspiracy theorist

mystery of the dead scientist conspiracy

hmm wikipedia has

a little page

on between nineteen eighty two and nineteen ninety

twenty five british based

gec marconi

scientists and engineers who work

oh that’s a stingray

oh yeah star wars defense

initiative yeah

um died under mysterious circumstances wow

police investigations

found his death to be unconnected oh no yeah

the same police are

out taser and grandma’s and shit is that

is that who did it

it’s probably the

snacks out of the vending machine

star wars is probably how aids was created

there’s so many

sites on this i don’t even want to link it

because i just

yeah you know what i’ll do i’ll link the google search

so you do your own work

because who the fuck knows

how many of

these guys are

completely crazy

so i just sent it up there who knows

who knows how many guys are

completely out of the fucking mind and who knows

whether or not it’s real you know

um star wars was reagan right yeah

well that the reagan administration was famous for

a bunch of secret shit was

going on this is reagan introducing star wars

his announcement of what it was back in the day yeah

what are you showing it

yeah what are you gonna show a

video or something

don’t do that nobody gives a fuck yeah

don’t put that up okay

star wars it’s the whole

thing why not

we can show people

them introducing star wars because i don’t want to put

it’s a it was just a program where they

shot supposedly

had satellites that could shoot down

missiles from

space but apparently it was never functional

never never proven

to be effective

they spent billions and billions of dollars on it

and all these scientists

dying the big theory was that you know

these guys knew too much and they knew that it was

horseshit and

so they had to kill him off before they talked

i wouldn’t i

wouldn’t put it past them

you know you

get the cia involved and if you ever read like economic

confessions of an economic hitman

and you find out the shit that our government does

to other countries

they’d kill scientists they’d kill anybody

they don’t give a fuck

you know the same people that

wanted us to go to war in iraq and we’re willing to lie

about weapons of mass destruction you know everybody’s

going on and on

about september 11th like

do you really

think the government

would allow

innocent people to die during september 11th so they

could go to war

i don’t know

but do you really

think they believed

there was weapons of mass destruction do you really

think that we’re over in iraq

and afghanistan for good reasons that benefit you and i

no and millions of people have died because of that

at least a million iraqi

civilians have died because of that and so

if they’re willing to do that you don’t

think they’re

willing to kill a few thousand here and there

of course they are

and forget about the few thousand that died

during 9 11

the million people that died in iraq are

human beings they’re just as

legitimate as the people that died in the twin towers

i mean it’s all

completely ridiculous

someone says can we change

topic to something fun

allah be praised is his name

somebody said please look up the

definition of

literally you

you mike and dana

use that word too much and you don’t know what it means

oh how do you know what i know

faggot what’s what’s that

the literal


i know it literally

you know i was

talking to somebody recently who has a joe rogan ufc

drinking game

where god gets rocked no

the button he pre

watched it i forgot what he said he pre

he pre watched

watched it and then bet his friends

bj pen spider

monkey legs

is it turner monkey legs

it’s just kind of a weird random

i don’t know if you’ve ever said i’ve

never heard that i might have said it

we know when you do a hundred

yeah yes i don’t i

might have said that one day and forgot i said it

he does have spider man listen this guy there’s no such

thing as a legit conspiracy theory

okay smart man

like you fucking

know how funnier people there’s no such

thing as real conspiracy theory

of course there are stupid

look up the gulf of

tonkin the gulf of

tonkin incident is

a real conspiracy theory

where the government really did lie

and say that there was an attack

on american

citizens and that’s what got us into the vietnam war

look up the

look up the

northwoods document the

northwoods document is a real conspiracy

that the joint

chiefs of staff

drafted up and signed

and then it was

vetoed by kennedy

and what it was was

basically they were trying to get people enthusiastic

about a war with cuba

and they were

gonna plan attacks on american

civilians they were

gonna blow up an airliner

and blame it on cuba

and say that americans were on

board they were

gonna attack

ships they were

gonna attack guantanamo bay

they were gonna

throw mortars into

guantanamo bay and they were

ready for us casualties

which meant they were willing to kill americans

in order to get us to go to war with cuba

these are real

they look up

how about fucking cigarettes

you want a real conspiracy

theory how come politicians all want to talk

about drugs and we need to keep drugs out of schools

drugs in this country can’t even fucking come

close to the

death and destruction the health problems that

cigarettes have

caused but yet

you don’t hear a fucking

peep out of those guys

about cigarettes

cigarettes kill four hundred thousand people a year

in this country

alone every fucking year

that’s a real

legit conspiracy

where no one is talking

about it and the reason why they’re not talking

about it is because

tobacco companies

finance campaigns of politicians

those are conspiracies what

a conspiracy is is someone conspires to do something

there’s hundreds of

legit conspiracies look up

the iran contra affair look up the fact that oliver

north and all

those guys were involved in doing illegal shit

in order to help to bring in

i just want to see

where they bring cocaine

into the us well that’s the accusation and there’s a

bunch of books that have been written

and cia agents

who have said that

there’s a guy named

gary webb who’s got a

bunch of shit on that and there was a dude

named barry seal who actually was

bringing in cocaine from other

countries got caught

and when he was

about to go to

trial was murdered

and that was to go they

bringing coke from

those like afghanistan type

countries to help support them

to fight the russian yeah and here’s

another one is you know people say oh man the cia

is good they help us and

sure some cia

i’m sure do that but the cia

one of the one of the

planes that’s been to guantanamo bay

crashed last year

in mexico with four tons of cocaine

i’m gonna put up that link yeah and

it did even fucking make the news man it make reuters

and it didn’t

it didn’t make any of the the

big news programs i’ll put up that link for you guys

but this is a fucking cia plane

like rupert was the la cop that busted that yeah

yeah that especially on hbo

some the two because there were two

black dudes that were the ones

that all funneled through yeah

the bottom line

about human beings though

is that people

are so lack of days ago when it comes to shed

it just so they

you know you

could that stuff

could be on the news and people

would care more

about john kate you know

john has to pay 10 000

a month and

child support and alimony

how’s he gonna do it

and that would be big news

whereas people

wouldn’t give a fuck about

you know the cia

selling drugs they would

all you have to do is have one person on

television say it’s bullshit

and that’s all the i mean that’s all you need to get 90

of people to believe it

and a lot of

those shows a lot of the news ones

there’s people that’s what they do for a living

they say they can put

their name in a database to be an expert

about whatever

and then cnn or

we need a guy that knows

about and then you’re the expert on

drug injection

well it’s been

proven that

oil companies have hired scientists to dispute

the fact that

human beings have created global warming

you know who the fuck knows whether or not they’re

right or wrong when it comes global

warming and most people that

argue it they

argue from the

point of being a conservative or being a liberal

liberals always say we have to stop and

conservatives say there’s no connection

and it’s just because they’re a

bunch of fucking parents

to hear you know all

these different people rush limbaugh or whoever on the

radio saying that there’s no

connection that you’re

these silly liberals

and they just repeat the same dumb shit

and conservatives

do that and then

liberals they

see that fucking al gore cocksucker and they go al

gore said that

meanwhile al

gore’s made

a billion dollars off of this fucking climate gate

if you look at like what al gore has made the

money that al gore has made

since an inconvenient

truth came out it’s fucking staggering

he’s made an incredible amount of

money off of this

and the people that

would benefit from all

these carbon taxes

i mean they’re setting this up to make

money and that’s what they’re doing no one’s doing this

i’m sure there’s a few scientists are doing with the

right intentions

but most the

politicians that are pushing this they have

ulterior motives

and they’re trying to make

money off of this shit

hey joe rogan did you hear

johnny bananas

twenty one at gmail com says

did you hear that the y

chromosome is evolving faster than the x chromosome

that’s cause we’re men bitch

johnny bananas we’re the only ones with the why

the women don’t get the why the why is the future

i just saw i just saw a documentary about that

that males are disappearing

with because of all the chemicals yeah i’ve

heard that that

that’s why guys act more girlish now if you look at

well that’s

it’s a surplus of men

when there’s a surplus of men rather men

act more aggressive

and grow more facial hair and become more masculine

and have more testosterone

when there’s a surplus of women

men tend to

relax and they tend to be more

feminine and they tend to shave

more and be more


yeah this one was

about that all the chemicals

that probably our parents or our parents parents did

in the 60s all the plastics and all that kind of stuff

where they said

wasn’t bad for you

now they realized it is and for some reason that

those chemicals

affect men more

like they found

these alligators that live by let’s say dow

in in the in the

swamps had smaller balls

than alligators

um you know


earlier that all

those chemicals were

shrinking the alligator balls i don’t know

what job you have that

that’s your guy that

you know one guy goes i’m

gonna measure it

alligator balls yeah you know i’m

gonna measure it and we

might need this data

later but that’s what that’s

what they say is just from all the chemicals and stuff

that men are acting less like men and producing more

sperm i think in the

more sperm and less

no less sperm like so

young guys now have less

sperm than their dads probably have

which it should be

well that’s the internet

you know we’re getting rid of more

sperm than our dads

huh because we’re jerking off

dad did you think jab

you didn’t have to

take off with

i bet it’s very much more difficult for your dad to be

obsessive about masturbation

because they used to have to set up a projector

pull the shades down

screen run at little 16

millimeter or some

black and white old lady or go

less molestation nowadays to

i wonder what the odds are

it actually goes or

it’s down i don’t

think it’s down you don’t

think or go

even back further than that that was guys had to put up

the projector but even go the guys before that had to

paint stuff on walls and caves and

and then you know there’s way more

people now there’s way more people

now so there’s way more molestation but per capita

yeah i wonder i wonder

well you know the japanese

believe the japanese believe that if you show all

that shit you show rape and molestation and crazy sex

you know like that’s why they’re in the

school girls on that shit

they feel like that it gets it out of your system

that if you

watch like violence

in in video and

movie form that somehow another gets it out of your

system why do they blur

all their porn now

they only blur the pubes

yeah that’s

weird very weird

wait you’re allowed to get fucked by a tentacle

but you can’t

see it you can see

can’t you see

pussy or do not know the

whole things but

it’s all the

whole pussy that bad

witness reload

but if you squint

like in the old days in the news if you squint you

could see the stuff

and then i find myself like squinting

going there’s

other porn that i

could be watching that’s way more

like that old old

school kind of french

kind of european porn

yeah do you remember

when you were

when you’re

the old days when you

would go on the road

and you go to

hotel rooms

and the dirty

movies would be scrambled

yeah but they

would only be like wiggly

yeah you could almost

through them

you’d see like a tit

you see like a

dick that would go in a

mouth and you’d

have enough to jerk off to you used to be able to those

used to be able to get like a

three or four

minute preview

to see if you wanted so you’d have ten and

yeah yeah you hit the

second preview i was

proud of myself

would get hard

and then as the preview was

going i would be done

15 seconds or it’s

weird with the vhs like if you borrow

porn from somebody you

could see like what their

thing was because we

you put it in and hit play

whatever scene you know that they just hit stop

after they were done

so you’re like really that’s the thing

did someone have a bit about that

chris rock had a bit

about that about

how he went

turned out one of his porns

and he had left it a certain scene

but then because of the vhs tape

then we went to it the next time

it was a different

scene it’s like someone’s been

watching my show

that’s funny

so true right

that was yeah

i remember i remember renting vcrs this is like

eighteen and then

leave it in there when you take it back or something

or you rip off of the

i remember like birthday parties my mom

would go to the library and rent a

movie projector just to show like

movies at my

birthday party yeah

do you think the caa

had a hand in gary webb’s

death i don’t know the

story behind

his death how did

gary web die

so the i tablet’s

gonna be announced next week

supposedly by

apple and they don’t know what the name is it’s like i

slate or ipad

and i’m sitting in bed at like 4 in the morning and i’m

thinking what

could it be called and i’m

thinking why

wouldn’t they call it ipad

what if they call it i tab

it’s not like i go online and

buy itab tv

just in case you know

i’m addicted to domain names it’s

ridiculous i’ve got i’ve got like

eight trillion that i would like

never use for any reason

do you have a lot what’s some of them that you own

i’ve owned let’s see this is back in aol days like

obviously i

never did lol whoa whoa

whoa stop stop

stop this gary webb guys they’re asking

that they were talking

about the whole

dropped all the

stuff about the cia

and the contras and everything

committed suicide

according to the corner

shot himself in the face twice

well they didn’t work the first time definitely like

no why am i still alive

i guess yeah

that was the guy that said all the

the cocaine guy

credible sources cook yeah yeah

this is the guy that was releasing all the information

about the cia selling cocaine

all right hold on a second copy this

pasted for you guys

that was an interesting

because when i’m the iron country

stuff was going on i think i was like

you know eleven or twelve you know in there we could

guess i had a oliver north for president t shirt

yeah i didn’t even

that’s interesting shot himself in the fucking face

twice that’s hardcore oh


mmm who knows

anyway were you talking

about the i

tablet no our

addiction addiction

to domain names

like what what some domain names that you did you buy

because i’ll

think of something usually when i’m really

stoned and i like

did you buy john hefron

sucks john hephron’s a fag

john hephron’s a

loser i should have should

or scam jonathan scam

because you always see

those at the

first whatever

whatever you’re looking you always see the word

scam at the top and then when you

click on whatever it is

it just pro

whatever you’re looking

cause i think

naturally if you’re looking to buy something yeah

you see the

scam you’re like well i’ll go to the negative first

oh some dude said it was doug stanhope’s bit

about his mom with the porno

that makes sense

that makes sense you know what’s

awful there’s a company called ripoff report

and this is like i don’t know how this is

legal at all

if somebody’s

mad at your company or something like that

they can put something on there

and what this company does is it uses

spam techniques where

it spams like message

boards and all this shit

all day long so google puts it on the top of your list

so my friend has a fashion company that does like

dresses and

stuff like that

and the first

thing that comes up when you google is rip off report

this person’s ripping you off and blah blah blah

and michelle

my friends like how do i get rid of this

and they’re like well if you give us 2 000

we’ll take it off it’s like

what yeah that seems

like hold on a

second so the company that

reports on people for scams they’re

basically just extorting people yes

it’s called ripoff report and the

funny thing is you

can pay them

and they’ll take it down they’ll take

your name off of it

holy shark ripoffreport com

and it seems like it’s a

legit company so if you have a problem with

you know like

somebody’s business or something like that

you can say

you the right

layer like this person ripped me off and

stuff like that that’s extortion

how is that is

extortion and if you go online there’s

a lot of people suing this company there’s about

twelve different lawsuits

going on for this company

right now but

she’s been trying

everything to get this shit off like she’s

she was on tv the

other day doesn’t matter

still first

thing you google her name it comes up

what is her name

michelle wendell

m i c h e l l e

wendell w e n

it’s somebody like that i don’t know how

successful but either way

people like it don’t have ripoff report

wow don’t have the

money to go

after her to go after them

you know i mean that’s pretty expensive

i mean i was

going to sue

a company recently

and it was just it

ended up being just so much money

that you had to go well do i want to use that just to

say that i’m

right yeah or do you just save you know

both of those

people are ex employees too that

wrote those things

really she fired

yeah it seems like

there’d be some kind of like libel

or something yeah well they’re getting sued but i mean

it’s okay thanks but the whole

thing that’s weird about it is is that it’s like

what was the time

why are you

here i should

fear just showed up

ladies and gentlemen

that crazy jew

we didn’t even

call him and tell him to come here i have a special

guest my special

guest this week is john heffron

it’s not ari shafir

what is that my boss

well ari shafir

came because

probably he knows i got the best week hey let’s talk

about ari’s latest twitter

what’s his latest

twitter i’ve had a lot of people ask me

about how many percentages of artists

twitters are have to do with suicide

or no i was

gonna say a shitting

of some type

of something leaving

his bonehole

yeah he talked

about it someone says i’m

disappointed that you’re not getting high

the reason why we’re not getting high was because up

until a few moments ago my little

baby was in the

house and my

mommy and the baby and

we’re in the

media room right now and there’s no

ventilation up in this bitch

hi ari’s down here with a shotgun in his mouth

he’s been doing all this suicide shit lately hi

no she’s coming to get you

yes so you got a call from

john where you at next where you at this weekend

i’m nowhere this week or next nope

and then i’m in nashville the following week

have you thought about

deleting your myspace because i’m actually to the

point where i’m

deleting my myspace

i still put up blogs

i still will take a blog whenever i put a blog

i’ll throw it

nine out of 10 times i’ll

throw it up on myspace as well just

cause i think more people

i like you more will read it

yeah i like the

myspace because it has the dates and you don’t have to

be a fan to actually see the date so you don’t have to

be a fan to see the dates you see there’s two different

things facebook’s really confusing

there’s a fan page i have a fan page there’s

something else that you don’t have to be a fan

to see the dates

oh really yeah it’s

what’s the two it’s a fan page and a

group and the

group it’s so

annoying facebook’s so

annoying with this but

group anyway you know what’s made of the

death of facebook by the way is

i don’t want any more pillows sent to me

i don’t want

any you turn all that off i don’t see any of that

you turn off any kind of that

pillows are

blessings i

appreciate that

how do you it’s in your settings it’s so confusing

yeah like there’s this pillow

fight so you’ll go to your

thing and there’ll

be like 50 people hit you with pillows

i want to find the dude who invented glitter tags

glitter tags yeah

i don’t want anybody putting

it’s my wall who

would have ever thought that

would be popular why

have you been

to the mall hey let me glitter your iphone

or people that can tag you like i’ll get

comics that’ll have like

their video on youtube

and they’ll tag me all in your and then

suddenly their

video of them on

stage is on my

it’s my it’s like my property that’s my grass

my grass me and joe were talking about this

other day we have a friend

that doesn’t want you know people to

he’s very private

but since somebody just posted a

photo of them and now every single person

that that person’s friends with can see like

you know all yeah

right and go right to that photo

even if it’s private

yeah facebook’s a mess yeah the security settings are

sketchy and there was a dude

who was a former facebook employee that was talking

about it you

know divulging all the information

about how they do things and

well you know that’s how they’re doing a lot of

people are seeing a lot of people’s identity

is they’ll go

you and i’ll get enough information from your site

just in general

that i can then use that the

piece mail well how

about this there’s a fucking

steal yourself

a bunch of dudes are getting scammed

this is very common

where guys are pretending to be chicks

and they pretend to be

chicks online

and some dude was posing as a

maximal and scam

fifteen thousand dollars out of some doctor in florida

send pictures

photoshop naked

pictures and

and apparently this dude had a girl’s

voice like a really

feminine voice

i’ll put up the link for you guys

but it’s fascinating how fucking

gullible dudes are like how the fuck do you not know

did you put up the link to somebody wanted to know

about the what you’re talking

about earlier with the mice

no i didn’t put up the milestone

inhibitor thing i’ll put it

i’m gonna put put up this

put a john heffern

twitter up there though right

i need followers

john heffron follow john heffron

i just broke a thousand followers finally

god i took forever

i try to keep mine to i go on

sports with twitter sometimes i want to twitter

three in a row

but then i’ve then i’ll feel

bad and then won’t do any for like a day or two yeah

now i but then i realize

everybody’s following a lot of people so it’s not that

annoying right

it’s weird how like it’s so different like myspace

i had no problem getting

frames you know like on

or whatever

but twitter people are a little bit more

picky because they have to read your shit every day

say that again

it’s different how like twitter like

some people are huge on twitter you know you

wouldn’t think

they are like twitter makes no

sense to me like numbers why you

you know like ashton kutcher

is the most popular person he’s on

magazines and he goes on cnn and he talks

about his twitter on cnn and yeah so does

larry king every day but he’s not even a quarter

yeah but larry king’s a fucking dinosaur

larry king here

nobody gives a shit about larry king the

young people with twitter don’t give a fuck

about larry king but they certainly give a fuck

about ashton kutcher that has some devil

yeah with his elderly wife

they they love that dude

i wonder how long he’s gonna keep her

because ashton’s only like fucking

twenty seven years old right isn’t he

he’s got being as dirty he’s not

okay let’s say he’s thirty five okay then she’s forty

seven at twenty he’s forty five

she’s gonna be fifty seven

who that’s a tough sell

yeah yeah yeah

probably go twenty years backwards he hangs out with

bruce willis yeah

yeah that is

weird i don’t

want to hang around with some dude who made

babies with my wife yeah

was fucking her like

every night

sleeping in bed with her and cuddling with

but you know what i’m not that open minded

maybe ashton’s really open minded or

maybe it’s just

like i can’t believe i’m hanging out with

bruce bruce

hey this is awesome i’m in with the hollywood

crowd bruce

is so cool we hang out party

meanwhile bruce is like go get me a beer oh get your

beer actually accident’s got a better career than

bruce nowadays how dare you

how dare you with those terrible movies he makes

how dare you say that

fucking yippee ki yay

motherfucker yeah

shut the fuck up

shut your mouth boy but like how many shows is ashton

fucking producing right now that dude

he produced the show i did game show my head

to do stuff twenty things

and they all suck

every single one of them still make bruce willis is

bruce fucking willis yeah how many how many

people have you seen the butterfly effect yeah

how many people

how many how many people have asking cause you’re

saved in a movie

good good point saved

i’ve never watched

i know but i’m trying to

the butterfly but

one awesome comedy have you seen that yeah you know

awesome unintentional comedy

bruce what action flakes okay all the die hards

you know how

many people has action country killed and how

about was that

movie the monkey

movie 18 monkeys

was it 12 monkeys

eleven monkeys

some chickens

an asteroid yeah

he probably got lost or died

on the way over here

his cheap ass car probably

that’s pretty selfish as far as movies

he say he didn’t save the world

do you have anybody do you have a

video that we can play while we go for a weed break

oh that’s a good idea

does the video work though does it

yeah yeah yeah it just

i wasn’t set up for that what what can you play that

while we go do a weed break i

go pick up ari

and we’re gonna go

smoke some weed

and the show will be infinitely funnier in five minutes

um let’s play

global thermal news

is only 31 years old shazam

these bitches know what time


how often do i get pwned pw how do you say pwned

in real life pw and eb

someone wants to know how often how often i get tapped

i get tapped at least every month at

least once a month last month i got tapped one two

three times i got tapped

three times last month

and those cuz

moving back to la from

colorado i wasn’t i was out of shape and

wasn’t training that much

and you know you roll with good guys you get tapped

especially when you’re tired

when you roll like

after the first guy your first guy you know you

drill the way we do it at 10th planet is

you drill for the first half hour 40 minutes

and that gets you

tired but you know you still have good energy but then

the first roll

you have full energy you know the

first roll you feel great but if you roll with a

tough guy and everybody attends planet i mean

you’re rolling with

brown belts and purple belts all those dudes are

tough all those

dudes are capable of tapping you out and then it’s

a matter of how much endurance you have because if you

you know you put yourself in bad positions you know

especially if you’re pulling

guard all the

time because i’m trying to work on my bottom game what

i try to work on my guard

and if you do you get tapped i get tapped

shit i get tapped all the time once a month

if you don’t if you don’t

get tapped you either not rolling with good people

or you’re not trying you’re not opening yourself up

if you don’t open your game up

you don’t improve

you gotta you gotta

first of all if i just wanted to get on top all the

time and always hold position and not take any chances

you could go a year without getting tapped but

if you want to

learn and you want to develop your game you can’t

worry about being tapped

when you get tapped you

gotta go okay

that’s one more way that i won’t get out my friend

scott got me in this

crazy armbar

from inside my guard

i was i had him in my garden

he got me an armbar that’s

never happened before it’s some

crazy thing where

as you scoop

under the leg

to try to toss the guy and get him in an armbar

he has this way of locking your arm

with his leg and they pulls on it it’s a real dangerous

felt like my

elbow was gonna go

and i was like you

motherfucker i’m glad

you get that

and then i had him show it to me but

now i won’t he

tried to do it again

the day before yesterday and he couldn’t

get me in it but it’s just because he got me in it

hey you got in did you let yourself in

uh she came

okay the housekeeper

yeah couple

should fear

alright she fear

ladies and gentlemen with lola she’s with you say hi

lola say hi

and then she

was like say hi she goes no

alright you got a

video yeah looking for something good

march fierce here alright come say hi to the

american public

hi all five hundred eighteen people

you don’t even know

where the fuck

we are we’re over here look at this right here

hard as opposed to me i’m too sexual

it’s weird huh yeah

there’s a delight oh watch here comes your

goofy heads gonna come in but here you are here

i was looking for videos that show that video

bring my mastiff in

um he’ll he’ll create problems

whatever i’m

standing by that door

that gate yeah

and i was like come on i’m not telling you the okay

you’re not one of that

killers around and

doesn’t know me i need somebody who knows me yeah

i wouldn’t come in if i saw johnny brutus is

small he’s not

gonna do anything but interesting if johnny thought

you were scared he’d be like will you afraid a bitch

yeah you take advantage

they don’t have

fun good man i

found so not

what did you find it’s

a six minute special

on how this

local person is given

medical marijuana

to his autistic kid legally oh yeah that’s the one

where the kid

is all fucked up and he gives them little

pieces of hash

every day yeah that’s really interesting

six minutes long so all

right ladies and gentlemen

we’re gonna just show you a little clip of

video so that we can go get high

and then we come back this is

gonna be a totally fucking different show

talk for a little

bit you feel me bitches

wait they’re saying that it

will cure autism or it’ll help autism it helps autism

people that have autism

yeah their kids

this guy has a medical marijuana

prescription for his kid because his kid has autism

yeah this is a

local guy and

nothing was

working nothing was helping and what are the positive

effects almost

here kid just relaxes

it calmed him down yeah

you gonna go full

screen with that

bitch yeah still

which we’re

still trying to iron out

clunky we need to get a good program yeah

we’re trying to

which all right how

smart is my mastiff

he’s real smart we’ll

bring him in

after the break

taking a break for a session

don’t forget

yeah we gotta

time the paces push

time to pay some pills

watch these sponsors

nothing new but new question

about its use

one issue in particular

should children

take it to share calvin here with an incredible

story about one family’s

fight for their son sheriff that’s

right michael and victoria when you say that it

sounds so shocking to so many but

california’s prop two fifteen

the compassionate

us act was passed by voters a decade ago

and it does

allow seriously

ill patients with a doctor’s recommendation

to use marijuana legally but

what about for children

we did find this one family with a

truly remarkable tale to tell us in this ktla

exclusive report

can you tell me what school’s like for you sam

titanic penguin

this is sam

a ten year old who lives with his dad his mom and his

sister lucy in northern california

sam has autism

no no sam from age two till

eight sam’s disorder made him violent and

aggressive his parents

steve and angela were truly living a nightmare

every day he got to a point where he was

hurting other children at school and in public

places last times would be um

stay in line at a

store and he would just

instantly just bolt off and go and hit another

child in the face one time he pulled the tv down um he

knocked over all the furniture i mean and i got

and i had to put him in a hold for

maybe an hour i mean just

where his whole body was

spasming it was just

and i was just lay there crying just holding

sam’s parents worked with

expert doctors who recommended a

succession of conventional prescription

medications like

whisper doll and a host of others

but sam just gained

twenty pounds and

became harder to handle

we were so scared we were like okay

he’s getting more dangerous he’s getting bigger and

stronger now that he’s twenty

pounds bigger from the respirator

the child that we had

grown to love

was gone it was

just like when you looked at him when you talked to him

he had just disappeared

yeah finally at

their wits end and faced with

a very real prospect of needing to institutionalize

their son sam’s

parents decided to try something unconventional and


last year they

began treating sam

with medical marijuana

you think about it it really is the perfect

medication for

that kind of behavior it’s just very calming

so this is the

medicine right here

steve and angela got a recommendation

from a medical cannabis doctor they told sam’s


about their plan

and steve grew sam’s new

medicine in

their backyard

we had six plants

here this is where

steve took out his tomato

plants to grow

and then harvest

the cannabis

from the marijuana flowers he could make

concentrated form

what people

refer to as hash this ball represents

roughly four

months of doses for sam

so i just take my lighter

steve softens the cannabis with heat

then takes what appears to be just a

check of pot

sam’s dose for the day what

effects did

the medical cannabis have on sam

well the first time we did it

we just wanted to do

um to see if it

would work at all and

it was just an amazing

experience and i can’t i’ll

never forget it

to watch what

happened to him it was just like wow he’s back

this anguish

and this pinto

bridge and this

you know obsessiveness

it just like it just went away

just like it just calmed him down

while we were with the family we watched

steve put sam’s

daily dose in a

piece of melon

and take it to him

you swallow that for us

yeah that’s good

shut up buddy

yeah within roughly

twenty minutes the effects were clear

where earlier sam had been animated in ancy

after eating his speck of hash

sam became calm relaxed and social

as a mother

how would you feel

about people saying to you that

you’re getting your son

stoned everyday

at first i was very concerned

about that but

recently i’ve been sharing the

story with more

and more people you know friends and co workers and

i find that you know the more i tell people the more i

share with people

the more comfortable i am with it it has

saved our lives and i

think about what it’s done for our son

could sam’s

story help others

respected la area


christopher tolsher says we don’t know enough

about cannabis for kids

for all the

parents out there whose children may have autism

i think the

message here is that this is intriguing information

that needs more research

before we can confidently say

that marijuana is a safe and effective

treatment for autism


but for this california family medical marijuana has

literally been an answer to their prayers

and a homecoming for their son it was just

um a medication that we saw that

gave us the results that we were always hoping for

i mean i think that really is a key is that he was

happy again he was smiling and laughing

and we had lost that for so long and it was so sad

because we never see it again

it just feels like i have more control

now to help my son instead of depending on doctors who

may have the best intention but

they don’t know what sam means

i wanna do what’s best for my son

and i’ll do whatever i can for him

well one important note sam’s parents tell us that

they have followed the letter of the law regarding his

medication and that they’ve grown

only the amount of marijuana that prop

2 15 allows

the medication is for sam

and for nobody else

no sharon does he take this medication

every single day

you know they

started off

at seven o’clock in the morning he

would take it then they

would give him a

second dose in the afternoon but

after two years he

started this at

eight he’s now ten

they sometimes don’t have to give it to him

and only give it to him as needed

which is incredible

it really has

changed his behavior

according to them

wow alright

share terrific

story thank you for the report

thanks and for more on sam’s

story information on

treating children with autism

go to our website ktla com

click on the special reports section

there you’ll find

cher’s report and

link to the american

academy of pediatrics

i want to party with that kid so

last night dr drew is on

and he was talking

about marijuana and how

he was just so he just always on

fight that he’s like they’re just

like what they’re just dumb people yeah

he’s so silly

about his take on marijuana the fight what

the fight medical

marijuana people that want medical marijuana he

thinks they’re

silly and they’re ruining america and he

thinks that all drugs are bad and that the one

state of mind that you’re

currently in is the only one

you shouldn’t be

drunk you shouldn’t be high you shouldn’t

be drugged up he does not get it that is not true

there are drugs that are terrible for you the

ones you see on his show the crystal meth the fucking

heroin and oxycontin

those are all

fucking horrible for you that’s a guarantee

but zolak what does he say about

that shit’s all

well for some people it’s not what does he say about it

i don’t know you have to ask him but

what he says

about marijuana is

ridiculous because

he lumps marijuana in with like heroin

because my mom

does she thinks

about drugs

yeah it’s what he does

i rather give

my kids a ass

there’s so much

proof that it’s not addictive

and it’s like

my argument

about it is like anything

could be addictive you can get

addicted to cheeseburgers if you’re a fucking retard

you could be one of

those dudes who gets addicted to washing his hands

you know people become compulsive

about shit gt gt

perfect example

people get addicted to

things man it’s what we do it

doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have the things if

other people are telling you they benefit from it

that’s what’s fucking

stupid about this

whole marijuana

thing there’s no heroin

activists there’s no

you know there’s no crystal meth

activists it was like you’ve got to get on crystal meth

but people keep telling you

that weed has enhanced

their lives and helped the way they

think and made them a better person

and that fuck

doesn’t want to believe that dude in the article on

what was that commerce magazine

fortune fortune

magazine yeah

the one dude was in the case the

first like six people case study

he said he’s

never gotten high off pocket

but he smokes it constantly

all day long all it helps is with his like arthritis

or whatever it is well we say

barbecued if you keep

going yeah if you

then he realized that his friends were telling

you string just stopped our recording for some reason

all right man probably

the fucking man

the man ladies and gentlemen

refresh your browsers people

the man apparently was just fucking our ass

that’s crazy like it just went off air and then

everything came back on by itself

yeah he took it with his

friends as you want to be a downer because they’re all

taken yeah this is you told a

story and it’s

focus i got

fuck it but he didn’t feel anything so you’re like all

right but then he didn’t

want to like be the one left out so he’s like fuck i’ll

smoke with you guys

just he passed it and he was like take some

and then he realized

he could for the

first time like years and years he

could actually sit there with

those legs and arms like

what about sean rouse

maybe could help him i don’t know

there’s no way that guy does not

smoke pot no

no that doesn’t

that doesn’t

smoke weed you

would think that doug would

smoke weed stanhope does not like weed

really yeah

he’s done i’ve

done mushrooms

of stanhope we did dmt

now we know

he’ll go to other dimensions why

does he do it is like pop makes a paranoid

isn’t like i

understand that that’s not

a side effects of everything for everybody

well i think

what the paranoia that pot gives

you is really it’s almost like the opposite of alcohol

because alcohol makes you look through a tube and

alcohol you like looking at the

world through yeah whoo

you’re not seeing but

marijuana is the opposite marijuana like

blinders yeah

i see it in

front of me brian

it went off and brought

on for a second it blift

did it yeah

just so you guys know it’s not me fucking it up you

streams just fucking up

right now if you can’t see red band

he’s actually

sticking his

cock into the

computer you can’t

blame brian

ladies and gentlemen don’t be mean

this is difficult to figure all the

stupid shit out

ultimately i

would love to have this on my website on joerogand

net but right now i don’t

think the technology is available

it’s not quite ready

but this is

ideally the best way to do a show

you know this is way more fun than doing some

some show that’s on

television that nobody gives a shit about

you know i mean

this is we could do

whatever the fuck we want you don’t have to look at it

i don’t want anything from you you know

no one’s getting paid

just for fun

you know you have interesting people over and you talk

right i mean

like how many times have you done what’s the matter bro

they’re all blaming me so i’m

gonna get my hands up

who you blaming

i read brian on this and the conan situation how many

times have you done like

a talk show

and it’s like

you prepare for it it’s like a big deal and then

you sit down and you talk to someone for like

seven minutes

and you’re like i didn’t even say anything

do we get to talk

about anything i mean i had a few

topics that kind of got out of the way a little bit but

nearly said anything and then

and every one of

those shows are

set up for that reason that it’s just nothing you just

leave they’re going i

that was nothing

anything i didn’t even yeah and then

two words it’s like you if you’re on

chelsea handler show yeah

those guys on there say like

four or five words that’s

it and then you’re done yeah and then they’re done

yeah it’s real

weird and if people go oh you were

great and but that’s what they want

short attention span

bing bang see this guy real quick

but i mean but that’s the if you want to go for like

if you want to go for like the average you know

just a shot in the dark with people that’s the what you

should give them

you should give them the shortest

quickest little things

as fast as you

can so they don’t lose interest or so but at

the end of the day

do you want the people that lose

interest that easy to pay attention to you know no i

get because you’re doing a numbers game yeah

but then again

i mean how many times you seen a youtube clip and you

start to open

it up you see 9 and a half minutes you’re like fuck it

i don’t even want to

start you know we’re all

those people yeah yeah yeah but that’s a youtube

clip is totally different than something like this

you know this is like cool because you

could throw this all at work

you know and you’re doing some boring fucking

thing at work

you could throw this on and

watch it while you do it and just

you know just

enjoy a bunch

of people hanging around talking i like doing that

i like watching fucking soulja boy

you know soulja boy is

i like watching i

like watching

cause he’s having a good time i like

watching that girl on the

train you see that

video the girl on the

train singing

harshly singing soulja boy at some old lady

oh yeah yeah oh

black people just

not that had nothing to do with the

story but they all have to be black um

did you see that that was the

greatest video i did somebody put the subtitles yeah

don’t understand

what you were saying

so crazy i like

watching that kid

you know why

because he’s he’s like nineteen years old he’s

worth some fucking insane amount of money

he’s got diamonds all over his bodies

tattooed himself

tattooed his fucking face

tattooed his neck his arms his

chest everything and

every video that i watch

he’s talking shit

dancing and

freestyle rapping

talking about haters

talking about all the girls he’s fucking talking

about how the

money how much

money he has

and how pretty he is

i enjoy the fuck out of it i really do tell me

it’s entertaining a shit man i was there some said

type of program that

would follow your brain

like so you can look it at

everything you

searched in one

that’s next dude that’s because

it’s twitter

the next twitter is just shows you

like show people what you’re

thinking and

watching yeah

well you could

search well

i somehow went from

i started looking up

fights or something on youtube and then i

found the fight

scene from the

movie bodyguard

from way back in the 80s and somehow my

brain got from there

to where i was

watching a riding

dirty the song

all cut to star trek wrath of kong

so it’s all clips of

khan was riding dirty

and i don’t know how my

brain even how do you

right i love

to watch his clips of something conan

said something funny leno

and then you clip that and next

thing you know i’m on

soldier boy i’m like

you had a wonderful time

though i go on youtube rides and i go on porn rides to

where you know that’s the

other start out normal and

next thing you know it’s big dicks and

asians blowjobs you got real specific

yeah yeah and then you’re typing

stuff that’s what it’s wreck my

that’s your

first video you watch that

night it’s just a girl with

big tits blowing somebody yeah

that’s kind of hot and then how did i get you

girls that were

checking because that

yeah that’s really kind of one of the craziest

things about pouring the internet like

you could just anybody from

the computer directly goes to it there’s no stopping it

you can go right to

a dick going an asshole

yeah you don’t have to pay

you don’t have to subscribe i

think that’s what desensitized people do it so much

in the last

few years well they

say girls are

taken in the ass all the time now well i saw

on one of the

porn sites they had like a comments section underneath

the thing so

where people are complaining

about oh that girl looks beat on that girl

and maybe because i’m

older like whatever happened just being

excited you’re seeing porn yeah

now you’re now

now we’re so desensitized i’m

gonna judge that chick

no she’s not

yeah nobody

always judges

chicks these are professional hot

chicks i know but

the old is born

now i’m gonna judge them

even back in the

eighties i had my favorites

yeah yeah yeah

misty reign

now cause i can’t do professional porn anymore

i have to have it amateur i have to have it on a cell

phone i have to have it

like i have to have it fake

if i see a flash bulb go off in the room

like fuck this

you so yeah

simulates you you’re

feeling like this is really two people that like each

other are you

are you there’s

a porn site

for people who like each other

no yeah just her

pussy just beat the fuck up

yeah i wouldn’t

there’s that

there’s a whole old

genre porn that’s it that peoples porn people like each

other and it’s not all oh yeah yeah

you like that it’s a little bit

girls are hot i want girls to be fucked i just want to

know are you a boy you’re brian

what generally are you looking for your

no not really

i just want to know like it’s real yeah it’s going on

it’s amazing

girls are getting spit on and slapped in the face it’s

a lot of that man yeah

you like that

i like i don’t like

watching it

yeah i don’t

like bitches

i didn’t expect to love them

i loved it tell the story please she’s like hit

me i was like alright and by the end i was fucking boom

the follow through on the back hand oh my like hard

it was it was

awesome i bet you hurt her face

she took it i don’t know did you believe martin open

her up oh my god you’ve been paranoid that

that the girl would then go oh thanks

yeah this guy just knocked me around and got to

think of a chick

so crazy she wants you to beat her up she can easily

yeah and then what are you gonna say she wanted

i mean i’m like also you should look at her ass

that is fucking red

rape is a horrible terrible thing

but so is pretending you’ve been raped

i mean how many people have

heard stories

about a girl gets mad at a guy

and just decides to tell people that he raped her i

had a friend who

worked he played

for detroit lions when i was in detroit

and that happened

to him it was with two girls back at his place

super nice guy the one girl jokingly said

you know we

could do is we

could say that you raped us

but how much money

would we get and they were like she said it as a joke

so immediately said let’s go

knocked on his neighbor’s door

and said hey whatever

meet my two friends

so we have one

other person to see

their condition when they left

so they couldn’t then make up the story

then i had another

famous friend

he would every time he’d hook up with a girl in a room

he was like way

famous he’d go to the

front desk girl he’d walk out that girl

whoever was there

he would stop

so that girl

would talk to that person

so there’s one

other person that see

she didn’t run out all

disheveled like what just happened

just as a backup

cause you honestly just

wanna go to bed like see you later

right yeah but you don’t know that girl so you

know i think

you know to a lot i mean to a lot of people

people that are like

famous like some

famous rockstar something like yeah

that person is like there it’s so unfair

their situation it’s so unfair

how much more they have

yeah how much more

money yeah how

much better

their life is so unfair

that people feel like

you owe them something like you got an unfair amount

so let’s try to take from you

there’s a lot of people don’t feel bad about like

fake lawsuits they don’t even feel bad yeah

the rich have to

which man fuck the rich yeah

and i did you make that

money someone got fucked over yeah

well you just run over my foot

the other day

and they like

play back the video and you didn’t get hit by the car

and he was just trying to

hey couldn’t the paparazzis

ran i always

think of like have some kind of

thing where you hit one button and you zap

all the other like kind of computers that around you

yeah they have this

right right right

you know what the paparazzis

is the same thing they’re just a

bunch of people

that are making a live and doing something negative and

they don’t need to do that but it’s also

sort of negative because a lot of times they call

those people yes i’ll be at the iv

come meet me up front

right and go

after them there’s a lot of people that like it

but when you’re like chasing someone and someone’s all

upset with you like they got

their kids or something like

like dr drew but by the way we were talking

about dr drew i

think his stance

on pod is retarded but he’s a really nice guy

i’ve done the show

the love line show

i’ve met at

lunch time she’s a really cool guy

and he told me that he was in hawaii and

the fucking paparazzi

would take pictures of his kids

him and his kids yeah in case

or something

well it was

worth something

that they make

money man you get a like a

juicy picture

how about that picture john travolta

kissing that dude somebody got paid for that

how bad was it i saw one of the lips

i saw one that was crazy

when you freeze

frame a kiss

it’ll never look like a casual pass

it’s awesome i love how john travolta

rocks a fabulous wig

you know and just yeah man

in some pictures he’s balding

another pictures get the best head of hair ever

it’s awesome

the tmz i saw one of the guys who works on tmz

one of the guys so we saw so and so

at the airport and

i want to go up to him so bad with the camera and just

stick it in his face and ask some dumb questions and

yeah probably could have sold that back to

tmz that’s one of the things i wanted to do as a

sketch that

will do it would just go fucking or

the guy that does tmz

can he handle that

15 minute show without taking a drink of water

cause he has like

a sippy cup that he just there’s no way that water so

dumb it just it’s evil

cause those guys are making fun of people

that are on tv

yet every one of them wants to be so

famous and is enjoying

all the fame they’re

getting from being on the show but but that’s

legitimate too because some people like the way they’re

bitchy like they wish they

could be that

bitchy and they like

watching them it’s like a form of


a lot of what the chelsea

handler shows too

yeah which shit on people we wish we

could work with yes yeah

exactly but you know what there’s a

place for that too

it’s the same

thing as like rich people that get

upset at poor people it’s like

people were not

famous they like fuck him pick a

go after tiger woods you know go find him

he’s got a billion dollars fuck him

like some woman actually said this on the

jimmy kimmel show

she was running a website

where people

could find people’s houses

or no no no it was

you would say

where the celebrity is at any

given moment

you would and

jimmy kim was

like don’t you understand

that there’s like

stalkers and this

could be dangerous

and she goes well i’m sure that they

sleep well on

on you know all

their money like

a bed full of money

it’s like really like that’s how you look at it like is

you willing to put people yeah

put people like

especially young girls

like you know some dudes get fucking really nutty

about young girls like they get crazy

like that one girl that got shot it was like when i

first came to hollywood

some girl got

shot it was on a soccer

people are saying

how black hair

she’s really pretty

she was like a

childhoods not

childhood star but like

22 year old yeah

she become famous when she was like young

and some dude just got obsessed with her

found out where she lived

she opened the door and shot her in the chest wow

people don’t

understand how

scary like stalkers are when i used to do

radio in detroit

this girl was in

the fifteen sixteen page letters not one

piece of white left on the

paper so it was written

sideways anyway

about i had fun

going out with you looking for

houses shit that

never happened you know

i heard about your

secret messages that

and then she went away and then she came back and

every time i’d be in detroit

she would leave

these letters when your wife’s gone and it’s just us

you know crazy

stuff so i want to go get a restraining order

against her because she was showing up at my shows and

would find out

where i would be and the

judge would you fuck her

no no no do not

show but it was

nothing nothing nothing

yeah yeah i just want to know

how far back was this yeah yeah no it was a

it it’s been

about ten fifteen years and the guy wouldn’t the

judge would not what she wanted he wanted to hear her

side of the

story now i had

a stack of papers this big of her saying

she came to

the raider station i worked out with some of my

stuff she goes john left this it was an

empty can of

tuna fish whoa

junk mail and baby

shoes right

and then she got to your

house well no this was from her

place i guess

and then i had

stacks of letters saying i hear the

secret messages

that you’re giving me

i will respond to him when you say this it means this

but when you

go to his file a restraining

order the judge

you get less than a paragraph to write why

you don’t get to hand in any of the psycho stuff

so that and then he saw that and then

the guy who did it for me goes he’s a dude

he probably

thinks you’re a pussy

that you can’t handle

the judge no

that because i’m a guy and i have this girl

stalker the

judge thinks that yeah as like your

pussy your guy handle the girl

don’t bring us involved was

his attitude so i couldn’t i couldn’t find

i was the judges attitude that’s what you know

that was before that

chick up no

this i tried

doing this i

tried doing

this a couple years ago

but it doesn’t

a year ago but it

doesn’t apply to

california so i go through all this work and

get it done in michigan

they come out to california

doesn’t mean anything you got to refire one

california she

she dropped flies in

texas to see you

doesn’t matter

now you have to file one in

texas really

and i’m a so i

could imagine

not put this information

yeah yeah hey

you know britney murphy the actresses just died

yeah her mom

and her husband

has been doing a tour

of all the talk shows and i got to

catch it today on the

today show yeah

it’s how fucked up your

daughter just died and they’re fucking

they’re just sitting there like for no reason not

promoting anything

we’re trying to like do anything

but just like

i’ve seen them on like four different talk shows

in the last

it’s weird but they do it for

money and they do it just

to like the

people attention or whatever or say something

about their

daughter the

worst is like

coming up we have britney murphy’s mom britney’s

murphy’s mom

just sitting there and she knows the camera’s on

and it was

not crying randomly

no no no you find it on youtube are we hulu or whatever

and it is disturbing to

watch like it was so

gross and the

husband was so what was the accusation what is the

what’s the isn’t there like a current

the worst thing it was drugs but then they said

it wasn’t it

happened when she was

young i don’t think it was a weird

situation at all

really it just came up showering

about heroin and all that

they still don’t know yet

but that’s kind of weird that they

still well it’s kind of weird

but isn’t it kind of

where the husband did want an autopsy

yes you think i think that’s very

funny and if a 30 year old person dies

you want to know what the fuck happened they’re not

jewish are they

he doesn’t look jewish

why it’s against religion

it’s against

religion yeah

what happens if you murder a jew though that’s fucking

crazy that makes it easy to murder you guys no no

no you misunderstand it

you actually haven’t thought this out

our bodies we can get them on your bodies

yeah but you you’re dead but if i just

poison the dead

the cops can’t give you an autopsy

but because i

just we just poison that but now they’re not gonna know

weird naked choked himself to death yeah

that’s the story i’m sticking to it

yeah no autopsies i think there are certain

situations where they say if

they’re afraid it might be like a

congenitive is that a word heart disease

like the kids should know if they should get

treated for it congenital general

then they’ll know

i don’t know but they still

allow for that but not just

randomly to figure out what the cause of

death is still like he’s dead

yeah but anytime

a young actress dies and there’s

medication around there’s a lot of money they do all

they will automatically do it no matter what

whatever somebody says don’t yeah

or i won’t answer your

question i’d be like man don’t waste the money

people like come on this is depressing change the topic

hey do you guys like cats

what do you think about oprah she’s so generous yeah

no i don’t paparazzi don’t give a shit

about me somebody asked me if paparazzi chased me

they would make zero dollars

off my pictures there’s no benefit in taking

pictures of me you have to stay

just under that level of fame

you have to stay in the

level of fame where nobody gives a fuck

so you can still work and

you don’t have to

worry about your bills and you can go out to dinner

but you don’t

wanna don’t get crazy the best i was with brendanzisi

at the vince vaughn

wild west comedy tour like premier

and then there’s a party like across the

street some hip club whatever in hollywood and

so we leave and all the popular

out there waiting for vince

vaughan and justin long and stuff and renesy’s like

degenerates or fucking

piece of shit you know he’s like giving it to him

and they were like

hey the guy from palms

oh hey yeah that’s me

oh no

that’s funny

that’s hilarious yeah you know you can’t go to

places like

you know who’s the best at staying out of that shit

when in controversial life if you consider him

mark wahlberg

that guy’s never in the tabloids he’s a

giant movie star

he stars in gigantic

blockbuster movies and yet he’s

never in the tabloids that’s amazing you know who else

and he never even does interviews nicholson

yeah he’s just away from everything

well they always

they would always catch him doing something

creepy just

you know my

shirt off at some beach yeah

looking like he’s bloated yeah

he’s still like

in the seventies rocking it with twenty year old chicks

it’s awesome

it’s really crazy

nicholson like

he like you know they did

some interview with him real recently we was talking

about the different dates

he goes on and then you know one

night he’ll go out with a

woman that’s in her 60s the next night to

those in her 20s

yeah you know

i mean just you know

i mean i was he was talking

about it sexually

he was talking

about friends you know like

these his acquaintances that he has a very varied life

but you know you gotta

appreciate that

yeah dudes getting 20 year olds and he’s fucking 70

that’s how badass he is

that’s pretty

crazy right

he’s defying nature

with his fame

and with his ability

to pretend it overcomes the

natural order

of his ability

to pretend and

he should be john

in a natural way

done with sex that’s not

yeah well maybe

it’s companion his age

especially if there was no viagra

yeah you know i mean if there’s no viagra that

would take a lot of dudes out of the game

take a lot of

dudes out of the game a lot of old rich dudes

be like what’s the fucking

point you know but

right now they can

you know brian

holzman had to joke about that

now i like that because now

these young whores have to fuck

these old men

and he goes and that is that

sperm is like

paint that’s been

in their basement

for like a year you know that

paintwork it’s not a

fresh product

ladies and gentlemen

he’s hilarious

it’s not quite tell

the fuck what

you picked out

yeah that’s it

he’s one of

those dudes

this there’s a few dudes that over the course of

doing stand up comedy

that i’ve always

gone how the fuck did that guy not make it

he’s one of them right

yeah he’s so good

so funny brian

holzman if you ever at the comedy

store in la

that’s where brian

where he works out if you call the comedy store

call the comedy

store and ask when

brian holzman’s

gonna be up

especially if something goes down the news

like i guarantee

he’s got some fucked up five minutes on haiti

right now you know

you don’t wanna

laugh at you like oh no

what you laugh at anyway i had always

heard about he did this

thing on oj

but it was like

amazing he only

did it one time he

tried to do it

again it wasn’t

quite as good just an awesome set

about that and then

9 11 happened and mitzi

wouldn’t put him on

cause we’re closed

things happen to were closed tuesday wednesday

thursday just

know and then

we opened up friday saturday and she knew that he

would get up and talk

about it so she made the

talent coordinator

called him and said listen we can’t put you on

like i’m sorry but it’s just yeah

he would he’s one of

those guys that

would take the opinion

most fucked up yeah by default

he would automatically like go

after the victims and

what did you do

wrong why were you in that

building yeah

what were you doing were you

fucking in the ass in that building

it’s just like

his take out

would be so fucked up he went on

sunday though because it’s open like it’s open

night and he did

about 50 to 55 minutes and it was

maybe one of the best sets i’ve ever seen

stand up was there

watching and

stand up said i disagree with 95

of this but it’s so fucking goddamn good

because he’s so

crazy his stance was fuck the cops

because what they’re not

heroes now why because it did the job one time

because if i was one of the

people jumping out of the

building i’d wait till fucking cop is

below me so

this is on nine fifteen

you know what everyone’s like

what is the

crowds do when they see this i don’t remember oh

i can be that you remember when that

should drown

their kids yeah yeah

holzman goes on

on stage like

three days after this chick

john’s kids goes

ladies and gentlemen

i heard those were bad kids

i heard they

never put their

blocks away

they sat that

close to the tv they’re always

spilling their fucking milk

those kids will not be missed

i went oh my god

people all are like

i had there were bad kids

that’s one of the most brutal and

funny jokes

people’s brains and comedy is geared like

in my brain just you know it’s

weird how you fall into whatever

style of comedy

like i would

never even think

about to go that way right yeah

what his life

holds what it is

but meanwhile he’s really friendly

like if you talk to him like off stage

like he’s not a dark guy at all he’s very nice

he was always go get me coke when i was working the

cover booth

uncle davis

coco classic from the back

thanks man go back get it

bring it back

i miss that dude

he’s the factory sometimes too is he yeah

i’ve got some

time i had to find out when

he’s playing and go before me and he was always so cool

so nice he’s at the factory sometimes

he was such a nice guy

there was one time when i got banned

or poly banned me

for like a weekend

holzman was so nice

about it what did he say about it

polly banned me for a weekend

for what i got mad at him

did you get mad at him yeah him and dean

tried to corner me

about something

and i told him he was a fucking

idiot and that he doesn’t

appreciate the comedians that i’m not working for him

it’s one right after

the minding

store came out

it was like he all of a

sudden was running the comedy store

it was all of a

sudden you know

it wasn’t like just a tv show anymore now

because the comic

store we’ve always done for free

you know i always not only did i work there for free

but i donated

all that when i had when they were giving me

checks they gave me like thousands of dollars worth of

checks and i

never cashed them

because i always knew that they were hurting for cash

so when it came time to do

their taxes i had to donate all that

money back to them

yeah and i paid for the

sound system

i mean i treated that

place like it was our

place you know it was a place

for comics to the mics were cutting out and that

sound that sounds like

crackley and rogan

bought it was like fuck it just we

gotta fix this i got

the line shit i went and got the top of the line

cd recorder so dudes

could make cds

and i put it all in there out of my own

money because

just for love of the club

and then all of a

sudden pauly’s running

it i’m like man i ain’t working for free for you

you know i’ll do it all for your mom but for you

no battle now but who gets the store

i think he won

court probably won yeah

i think his brother gave up that’s what i heard

always brothers

i’ve all the years i’ve

lived here i

think i’ve been in there one time really and i

great i’ve been

in that that bar area just hanging i went with

some comic but i don’t

think i’ve ever met on

stage there cal

season walked by yesterday and he was like i

think i’ve been here four times and

never i’ve it’s

so crazy that my

whole career has

never really been performing in los angeles

that’s what

that’s what he was like yeah but you’ve done

says the improv

i’ve seen you

yeah the improv

and then i think i

think i’m banned from the lafactory which

we’re talking

about guns and the dude owns it’s a real pacifist and

jammie banned you for talking

about guns yeah

that i was on for the next week and then

i got called and said no

you got called

they didn’t just knock it

no i called like

whoever don’t like so tomorrow was so good

yeah no i got

asked and then

because you talk

about guns not on

stage it was off

stage conversation and i was just

gonna shoot

it and then

he was like

wait you have gun

damage you want to kill people i’m like no i enjoy

you have gun

yeah i enjoy

shooting them but if they came in my

house then then i kill them

listen jamie quit

worrying about what

comics have in their

house and yes

introducing little kids and michael jackson

it’s like that’s a way bigger problem

having a locked gun

in his house

he’s not joking around he’s not joking around

jamie was introducing

these children

that are on the make a wish foundation

right was it make a wish or something like that

kids are sick

he was introducing them

to michael jackson you say introducing i say pimping

what’s the difference

buddy buddy

he’s not pimping

he’s genius but

he does not want to fuck us

i think i don’t

think that i didn’t do anything

i don’t think michael jackson

fuck those kids

because i think

where are the

bodies there

would be not just one kitty fuck

he’d be fucking

hundreds i think you probably fuck

eight to ten

i don’t think he did i think

i think it’s much more likely that we talked

about this before

right yeah i

think it’s much more likely that he’s just

completely fucked up

and was molested when he

was a kid and abused and he grew up in the public eye

and he grew up as a baby and like being

famous it’s just

he’d already go back huge

drug user and

just kinda had

i believe in the

power of huge

rumors and i

think it’ll

be true what about the

trouble in the ass do you believe that one

i’m going to judge

because of that

theory what

about everybody says

points on other gay

mikey from life

zero because he saw him without his makeup

jen not little

rumors if you

want it tiger got his name because that’s

some retard

that lives down the

block from you made that one

that we didn’t even

leave your fucking name

but the rich your gerbil rumor that move

rumor traveled the whole country that’s a crazy rumor

kurt metzger told me he asked

whatever kind of doctor that is it goes there’s

never been any

recorded documentation

of any animal up someone’s butt you know

the internet seals coming out of girls assholes

just because

that guy’s an idiot

yeah he’s going to net nanny

like dude you’re missing the good sights son

you ain’t never seen the eels come out like that

that was really weird

i just kept coming out oh

i kept saying it was the same one that

was like octopuses up their assholes

yeah man there’s

there’s some shit going into people’s bodies

if you can think of it

do you see the the video the dude who has been

shooting silicone into his dick for six years no no

but how delicious is

looks like a

someone some dude on twitter

i don’t remember your name i apologize

some dude on twitter

said it looked like a shaved dead rabbit

and it does

you gotta see it

i’ll throw the link up for you guys and i will

we’re gonna

watch it right now but i’ll

throw the link

up so that you guys can see it too on tosh

20 it’s a show on e

where they talk

about internet

videos they played it and they couldn’t show that video

so they just showed the audience’s

reaction so they’re all just sitting there and

suddenly all of them just baw faces

that’s funny

okay i can’t

find it it must have been from a couple days ago

i tweet too much

we’re on two hours right now jojo siwa

so what man we’re having a party here

we’re not really on two hours we didn’t

start on time it’s only four o’clock right now brian

you fucking faker

you saying it like you counted the time we’re on two

hours fifteen minutes i just looked at four or five

like that’s

about two hours you took a wild shot sorry i wasn’t

completely accurate with the minutes shut up

okay i’m trying to find this

dead rabbit how’s tonka brian

i renamed them it’s techie now techie you renamed

one day and then i was this

the cat yeah i agree with ari that’s names

they always

i don’t believe it but that’s they always say you don’t

focus on his name yeah

yeah you don’t

you don’t want to change the name of your cat

the cat has already destroyed a keyboard

why logitech

keyboard he hates anything

technology he knows technology

i hate technology

he went up to my keyboard i

started using my keyboard

he like ran in

what’s that

noise he jumps up and just

starts taking his claws and ripping keys

off really if i

use my camera if i turn

on a camera he sees the camera from across the room

charges me and

tries to grab the camera

i have like

videos of are you considering

giving it back to the adoption agency he’s a kitten

yeah yeah that’s what they do

but it’s just

ultra incognation

maybe that person was just like

it’s killed by

technology yeah you know

technology killed him so he’s like

this is a plot of

ghost dad too

maybe this cat is made out of technology

what nice normal guy

haircut today

brian by the way

what is the most normal dude i’ve ever seen your hair

out of the show

here’s the i just put

it up online i just put up online

so you guys i twittered it the address of the dude

who is injecting

silicone into his dick for six years and

we’re gonna

watch it right now

cause it is that fucked up

it is something that

you need i just

clicked on it

right now so it’s loading up

right now check this shit out

what’s that music

what’s the music

yeah i love you

damn that’s some gay website on the back of the website

getting feedback and annoyed too

what the fuck did that be youtube right there


it’s the worst when you have twenty

seven like tabs open up and you like that’s so fucking

annoying what is that

have to find it oh

one of these things that’s because balls

okay let’s see here we go

so that’s all that seriously why

would you want look at this hold it

why would you want to back up hello oh my goodness

would you like to name it though

it’s got it oh it’s funny look at this i can’t watch

look at that oh my god

he’s been injecting

silicone into his dick for six years can it get hard no

is that all head on top yeah and then the head

look at it so that’s all that is

to hold it look at him he’s weird that’s a weird laugh

yeah how weird

could it be he’s injecting silicone into his fucking

i mean look at that that’s insane

okay what six years of injecting silicon have left

you hear what this is saying

six years it’s on it he’s unable to have sex

i’d like to fuck his ass i was good

oh he’s great

the pleasure

the adventure

and the experience that i’ve gotten from this

way way way better than

whatever 15 minutes of pleasure that i

would get what it is

what has he got an experience

what just people see his balls in his dick

and no longer stand up to pee because

it would just kind of go

everywhere you know it was difficult to control

and so i started learning about okay i have to sit down

but you know what all and i’ll tell you

about some other adjustments in a second

place these adjustments though

they just add to the

excitement for me because it’s just another reminder

and it’s part of the odyssey of of all of this

you so i was sitting down to pee for a long time well

then the size got to be that

when i would sit down

i get wet it would

get dunked into the

water and a lot of toilets including my own here

and so i would

have sort of squat over the ball you know

i think that just the fact that people

look at me and either wonder what’s going on

what is that

the basic questions that people ask can you

still have an orgasm things like that

i’m getting people to think and i’m challenging

their ideas of what a penis should look like

yeah that’s ridiculous that should function

and so but yours is the only penis that does that

and challenging

he’s giving him a challenge are you challenging brain

so you’re not thinking too down the gauntlet bitch

this is the crazy thing like someone pulls

it out

i mean this guy’s like so

happy to be pulling out his dick look at this

look at that

doesn’t even really look like a penis in any way

it really looks like like a basketball

he’s challenging your perceptions all right

what the fuck let’s go

let’s go fuck a horse i’m getting tired

how naughty is that dude

there’s other ways you can challenge people to think

yeah maybe you know what is that when dudes like

tattoo their dicks and put barbells through them what’s

going on there they just i think presentation

presentation i don’t

i hear a silver platter

with a cock with a spur through it

still works

and there’s plenty of girls that are into that

is there ladies

let’s take a little twitter poll

how many girls are really into dudes with like

tattoos and barbells

same shit with girls

put that barbell in

their vaginas

and you like that and if you say

yes how smelly it makes me sad

the barbell and the

pussy makes me sad

i don’t really like it but i’m not that’s

against it there’s is there a single girl that

ever has gotten a barbell in the

pussy that’s not a slut

not anything

wrong with sluts

i don’t say slut

in any negative way i mean a girl that’s down to party

i’ll say that instead

i mean there’s no prudes that get

their clips pierced no

you get your clip pierce you’re sending a fucking very

message yeah

cause you can

say i don’t really do this and the guy

would go well you you’re

you have a license

yeah you clearly do have a

license plate

yeah you have

that right there says you you’re in you do

you feel like your vagina will be so public

yeah that you

need to rise

it up a little bit

apparently someone saying i

said that’s from a documentary on dick’s

this the guy with the fucked up dick

it’s from a documentary

that’d be a good

one to watch take viagra and try to

knock it in

the direction the entire time you

watch that documentary

every time it

moves it like no

no just punch yourself

yeah that would be

funny if you

gave guys you got

yeah there’s something there you give guys like

a really high dose of viagra and they made a watch made

watch gay porn

and you would have to get bonus

you had girls

girls touching them there were a lot of

dudes massaging her back way better

guys massaging it back they give you viagra and ecstasy

and see if you yeah you can the first guy that

you would definitely get hard i’m not

there be no question oh so sad

challenge match

yeah yeah that would be a

funny i mean we did just find somebody who’s really no

there’s no way them gays are

gonna get married i don’t want that you know

those that’s not right okay

yeah just take one have some guy just

glowing in your ear and see what

happens just have some really soft boy

smells pretty rubbing your back

he just wants a long what’s going on over here got

oils and a feminine voice like is that it yeah

it just starts getting hard pretty boy

that’s hilarious

just whispering

you know truck drivers have short backs

oh yeah right there you got it was that it right there

we’ll fix you up

we’ll fix you up no worries i heard

bobby kelly talking about this on tuesday

but like why

that was even an insult why faggots you in that bag

like they’ve

never done anything to me

why is that like

no i’m not i’ll

fight you to

prove that i’m not a gay

i was like what what is the difference

but like yeah if you get a little

thing with some guys

touching you it’s like whatever who cares

i don’t like when dudes

touch me because if dudes are

thinking about fucking me

i know how i am when i think

about fucking girls and i don’t want anybody thinking

about me like that because

you know when

if you want to fuck somebody

you know you’re like you’re into them you’re

going after them

a dude doing that to you if

doesn’t want to listen to the fact

that you’re straight like hey i don’t like that yeah

and then it keeps

going after you that’s like disturbing

yeah yeah i mean

the worst time i’ve ever

tried to go

after a check

the most clumsy in your history

could you imagine someone doing

that to you a guy doing it to you like you’re drunk and

stupid and imagine a

dude doing that to you you feel so uncomfortable and

gross and negative

get me away

i don’t wanna

get raped my gay friend of college is always do that

do creep up dudes

he would get


homosexual when guys get

drunk they get crazy

if i was kissing another one of our friends he’s like

me i kiss it was like

calm down like

the did that what was that guy’s name

jason something or another

he was really

flamboyant yeah really

flamboyantly gay and he

would get aggressive

and we were all in montreal there was like four

or five of us i don’t remember who was talking to i

think bobby

slate and i

think was one of them but

he came over and it was like the end of the

night he was like you know i’m sucking someone’s dick

cause it’s gonna be yours

i’m like hey man get the fuck out of here you

should find a gay dude for this yeah

you’re really working

way harder straight dudes

i mean think

about how hard

it is for a straight guy to get laid and then think

about how hard it is for a gay guy to get laid like

their numbers are low

yeah but such a higher percentage

when you find

their numbers yeah

yeah if you go to like you know

boys town or something you go to

santa monica boulevard

yeah you’re

gonna get a lot there but

if you’re in like

thousand oaks looking for gay sex

that’s tough action

you know you

gotta find them you

gotta go to church

yeah find them in the stall you

gotta do something

you gotta figure out

you gotta calm down

in the army in there like the 40s and 50s and 60s where

people grew up in

small towns had

never seen they just thought they were

weird to these feelings they didn’t know

the ones that

grew up in new york and la obviously didn’t know

about gays so the

ones who grab

something and then they go to the army

all of a sudden they find

other gays and they find each

other and it’s like oh

well in the army

apparently that’s like a real problem

especially in the navy when dudes are on boats

there was a dude

that we knew that was

going away to the navy his

little brother was

going away the navy

we’re all sitting around eating with him

and i just as a joke i said man

you need to

learn some jiu jitsu

so you could

fight off the rape on the boat

right and he goes yeah man fuck it

fuck that man that shit happens i go

what do you mean it happens

i go dudes really rape dudes on the boats he goes

well you know it’s not that big a deal

what’s not that big a deal

he goes well

i’ve been in for a year i only know four dudes

hello what you know four dudes who’ve been raped by men

and you’ve only been in the navy for a fucking year

could you imagine if you knew four

comics that got raped

people like fuck

comedy man people be

getting raped

never go there

if somebody started raping ufc commentators

i’m gonna watch that shit from my house

two guns in my lap fuck you what are you crazy

four dudes he was only in the navy a year

with that it had happened

or he during that

year he knew

of four dudes who got great wow

i mean how many people was he coming in contact with

even though the navy’s gigantic that’s a big number

if it’s a few thousand

still fuck do you ever come

close to joining the military or anything

yeah i had a recruiter show up at the grocery

store i worked at

it was for the air force

i thought of it i went to my high

school and then i remember him

how old was i yeah like seventeen eighteen

and then when i wrestled in high school then he

this recruit i never

saw our heavy weight and goes

yes i’m looking for john heffern and then

this guy started laughing he’s like

he’s too small because that when i was in high

school i was maybe five six hundred i think i wrestled

a hundred five pounds okay

so i didn’t grow till

after like three years

like five one o five

not even a real way as you want i wrestle

i know right i’m not a

hundred five pounds like yeah you’re pretty small yeah

yeah you would fuck john if he was a hundred pounds

i would have to see a picture

when were you thinking

about joining the military

same time 1718 it was

kind of interesting

instead of college it was like fuck it

yeah i was gonna go for college like i was

thinking national guard was like you can get paid

and you had to put up some cones during a

flood or something i really wanted to be

on more side

do you remember that’s the post administration

changed all that bullshit

the national

guard used to be a safe way to not go to war to war

and you’re helping people you’re

still getting the money out

of duty and they

split families up and

it’s well even

look if you look at rambo remember it was all national

guard guys went

after rambo and the

whole movie was making fun of

these national

guard guys like yeah

they don’t know

how to do anything hey i got to get back to the

store there’s a

now the natural

guard guys are as badasses

anyone else you know

dude i do jiu

jitsu with and he was

was in the army reserve for 20 years

and 20 days left in his 20 year tour 20 years

20 days left they

sent him to iraq for a year and a half so what they

start before that your time is over they

can just lock you in it

doesn’t matter and they

could bring you back they can

bring you back anytime they want they recall you

they’re hurting so bad nowadays that

i’m surprised they’re not just like oh you’re an eagle

scout you got

a fucking iraq

i think it’s actually not about

there’s a lot of dudes who go over there because they

think they’re doing the

right thing

there’s a lot

of dudes like pat tillman do to join the army

and join the navy

they think they’re doing it to protect this

great country

especially then

in like 2001

2002 people once

they get in then

they realized getting

fucked and that’s what happened with pat tillman

i mean he was a huge critic as was his brother

of how fucked up

things are over in iraq and afghanistan

and you know obviously want to kill him

to kill the friendly fire

i remember a year ago i went out and

did a show and i got back to

hotel room and i

googled oldest

age to join army

really i was like you

could be old as fuck right no

they bumped it up range

42 40 like 43

but that’s like 20 years longer than

now would you be enlisted there or no

you do it no

straight this

officer coro what

would you do i

heard a couple

things one they

would like say i join at you know 40

they give me a job that and take

a 19 year old out of that job in the

throw that 19 year old

on the line

so like the

older guys is like

but i know when my wife’s friend she’s in

she’s an airborne ranger she said she has privates

in her thing that are like 37 38 years old

private you know just

guys that are

dudes man that have no fucking

money and they don’t have anything in their town

and there’s no option

like something to do what’s the difference

you taking care

of it you’re

gonna go to war

or he’s like

now a major problem i’m talking

general it’s like i’ve been at war for

eight years dude

yeah we’ve been at war for

eight years man joining

the military for the last decade has been no joke

yeah you know it’s just

what the fuck man

it’s when i was a kid

vietnam ended when i was a little boy

and i remember thinking

very clearly

that oh this is a good

thing cause now there’s not

gonna be any more war

like obviously everybody hates war and you’re

never gonna go to war again

and then when i was like

twenty one was the

first golf war

me and my buddy

jimmy d’italia

were sick we had an

apartment together and

waltham massachusetts

it was ethnic the

two guineas

hanging out waltham

and was sitting in

front of the tv and the fucking the first

strike happened and

they showed the missiles coming in and bombs going off

and i was like holy shit

and we me and

jimmy watched it like we were

watching a football game

they were like dude we’re at war holy shit

i remember being in college then and the two guys i

lived with were all

reservist and then they got called up so they were

probably twenty

twenty one years old

twenty two got called up and went down to

they were gonna

start to help train

at the time everybody was like just give me a

draft just give me a draft

so we all thought

cause we were that that

age were twenty

twenty one were like

holy crap we’re going yeah

oh yeah that was a serious talk yeah yeah

so scary man

i remember when

the first gulf

war happened we’re practicing in basketball

and it was the opening

night with some play some high

school play

and somebody came in like the play bomb

the plane’s

bomb but i just thought there was like a play bomb

i was like why are you

breaking up a practice with it

so yes i’m a little

happy about it it’s not

yeah the whole

thing is so surreal

i got woken

up i don’t remember who woke me up somebody woke me up

called being told me that

america’s under

attack yeah so they said

america’s under attack

and i was like what turn on the news america’s

under attack

and we just are so removed

from all the shit

that goes on in the rest of the

world we are so removed from what war really is

unless you talk

to someone who’s actually been over there and

come back and they have a very different opinion of it

but we’re so fucking removed from it over here

when i saw that shit on tv i was like what really

like this isn’t a

movie i was like your

heart starts beating faster it’s like

all of a sudden

this team you’re on is

under attack

you know i mean it’s

not you but it’s like we’re all in this team together

and then you don’t

think about that through your day to day life you

could say you’re

happy to be an american shit and

you believe in democracy and i’m a republican

but you don’t really realize you’re on some team

until the team’s attacked right

and then you’re like so dudes that did nothing

dudes who didn’t know

these dudes

came over and killed them

just because they were living on this part

yeah they were living in this

patch of dirt so people were killing them

that’s it i thought that was only

movie shit my brother’s over there now

is he justin

just got called up again

oh my god yeah

that’s what happens when you when you go through a tour

if you sign up for the military

dick cheney

instituted some new situation

where they can just

kind of keep

bringing you back well he’s

still an active reserve so he knew he’s eventually got

called up again

but when they were in there were

situations on

their tours and they were

bringing them back yeah

randall mask or how long are you

going to ask the same question over and over and over

again there’s some dude asking a question

over again i’ve seen it ten times you just show

ordered him joe who gets more women

why you reading it huh

rewarding him

you know i just


sorry yeah when people ignore you sometimes

you ever make a joke like in public and nobody laughs

and then you hear somebody like

make the same joke

again because they assume nobody heard them

it’s like dude

look at the response and fucking

take that to me and they didn’t find it funny

the worse and someone

thinks you weren’t listening and they say it again yeah

one that means it’s not in the moment but

you’re trying to make this joke

this guy says all the branches

other than the army

are overloaded actually

i believe that now

now i think he’s probably telling

truth i would

think in this economy i would

there’s a lot yeah a lot of people are

a lot higher than

look at what was it how long two years ago new orleans

you know we didn’t have enough people to send their

two years ago

wasn’t it wasn’t

a lot more than two years ago when was katrina

what year was that

maybe it was longer

because that was when i

first heard

about kanye west

when he was like george bush

hates black people i was like

that was way long

that was my favorite was michael

myers reaction because he’s just a hollywood guy

i do not want to

be associated with he just so uncomfortable

i know he got so i mean that was like one of the

blackest dangerous things

in this picture

george bush does not like black people george but

hates black people right you say hates or does not like

push he said hey

he said hates hates black people yeah

you know why why is that guy still on tv and

now he’s on tv because he’s a douchebag

and because people are looking for him to do something

wrong his like

his way on tv

has evolved it used to be like

here’s this

young artist

now it’s like this guy’s such a cock

like having close to the camera let’s see him probably

do something

stupid never

to hate him and it’ll get you million hits on youtube

you know like when he took that

microphone away from that girl he’ll be hated forever

you don’t do that what was even

worse was his

fake apology on leno

later he was

trying to work up tears but he couldn’t

quite do it

he’s so weak

and he was just

saying he’s

gonna take a step back and

he’s not gonna work on some show he’s

gonna let’s just shut the fuck up

the my favorite

is one that he says just please just let me be

great just let me be

great bush george bush

doesn’t care

about black people

doesn’t care

yeah that’s what i thought it was

thank you are add

her boy yeah

hate is a very

strong word

hate might make mike myers

flinch and pee a little yeah

made a little little

dribble go this

could ruin my career

what happened to that dude

mike myers yeah it

was there actually making a new awesome powers

yeah that last

movie let it die

that last movie was deaf or

and tina put them in

put them in glorious bastards

and it was horrible

it was so like why is it so

weird it was

weird because it wasn’t being funny

so then it’s like why

would you put

clearly someone who’s known as a

comedic actor i really

hate him now

did that last that was a weird probably the

wrong way of like dude you’re doing the same movie but

yeah but it’s an indian american accent

because he wasn’t over

two years ago he was just like a little bit like

i never saw that that was a great movie ten years ago

people are asking to take us to take a break why

because we’ve been on straight for a while

what does that mean they can’t

leave the fucking screen

i don’t wanna miss all

the breaks like

a bathroom when i get up well we’re

gonna we’re done

because it’s 4 30 and i have to do

some sort of an interview with some people in australia

for a gig i’m doing in australia

just i’m not trying to drop names i’m saying

in australia taking it into national

style like my boy

soulja boy holla

what happened to that guy

this is a knife guy oh yeah

he got as famous as was possible for him

yeah he didn’t

yes he was huge

someone just made a reference paul hogan

right yeah was that a goal was that a

family guy or simpson just made a reference

about him i wanna get hugely

famous like that guy from crocodile

hunter and that not crocodile

yeah and then not

famous at all like that guy from crocodile dundee

yeah how weird is that

i was doing movies and shit took his millions and left

yeah you know what it is she’s good

no i think we got sick of him as a

country but yeah i think people just but he only did

two crocodile dundees and then

then try to like

be in someone else’s film

yeah we didn’t see him in a romantic comedy you think

you’re the crocodile guy

must have lost some money on his

movie and said fuck him

have you seen the preview for the new mcgregor

movie you know that mcgregor

they may have a whole

movie about it they may have a whole

movie coming out and usually snl

with either

mcgruber mcgruber it’s a take on the guy

on saturday night live there’s a movie

making a movie and they have a new preview that’s

about that just came out and the funny thing

about snl movies is that

they usually always have the best parts in the preview

there was not one part in this that was fun

that looks good you guys

that is the worst

when you go to preview

and you just

sit there and go oh what the fuck are they doing

why would someone

like promote this yeah there’s nothing

worse than bad comedy

cause at least bad

drama is hilarious

you know bad

drama like show girls or something like that

those are genuinely

funny movies you know i got some

left behinds

they’re they’re the the rapture

videos that that fucking

kurt cameron dude makes

holy shit are they awesome

they’re so good they’re so beautifully stupid

watching kurt cameron get owned on youtube

is one of my favorite past times he’s so dumb i saw her

did you really the one where he’s on debate team

i don’t remember what it was but it was like a

group date on a lever

and a few other people

we got driven there

i had her license yeah it was a debate movie

and i remember the big climax at the end was like

because some

teacher taught them in the clear

move to the rest of the movie that

he sounded like he was being real but he really wasn’t

and then later was like are you serious

about that yeah i was

i guarantee

you kurt cameron loves the cock

i guarantee you he loves the cock

yeah there’s no doubt about it there’s no way he’s that

crazy gung ho

jesus the rapture

no sin no masturbation no love

fucking gay as the day as well

that’s right you know said

it with every fiber of his being

trying to stay in the straight and narrow

and like girls and meanwhile he just wants fucking

hot mouth i’m sure that

herschel walker was talking

about when you doing his fight

strike voice and he said he doesn’t

masturbate yeah but he’s crazy

herschel walker’s got like

a split personality disorder yes

i heard it was

trauma related i thought it was trauma related

he said that like he gets

his heisman

trophy like he’s got all these different well think

about how many times i got must have had concussions

i don’t know if he’s a big concussion guy though

he plays football

everybody gets concussions playing football

right quarterbacks get it no a quarterback

like who’s had the most

like eight ever

but that’s cool

to take blindside hits all the time

was standing there with somebody fucking

crush them helmet to hell

yeah but but any time you get hit

okay even if you’re not getting concussions

a little bit you’re getting fucking rattled

yeah even if

you get up and you get back up when you get

smashed into

by some giant dude who’s running a full clip

even if you don’t go out

and even if you don’t have a concussion

where like your pupils are dilated

you got some

brain damage son you just got jarred you know

that’s reality

and when you do that shit over and over and over again

football is one of the most dangerous i saw ben

roethlisberger last week

no it would’ve been


is there a big

quarterback whoever it was oh

kurt warner

who threw an interception went to make a tackle

and then he just got blindsided

and you see him on the ground with his

trainers over him and he’s like talking but you can

clearly see he’s not making any

sense he’s like

no no i’m oh the

and you’re like they’re like our stay stay

that’s nuts

that happens

a lot in one concussion once

really fought a

danny bonnie douche

hit me in the back of the head we were

spawning not in

and i kind of went down but he said it was the slowest

knockout ever

like i went to one knee and he goes are you okay

and i was like yeah yeah i’m good

and then i went to the other knee

are you sure you’re okay

yeah everything’s fine i’m just gonna like

literally i’m just gonna

to lay here for a

second we have time if

i can lay here that’s what i’m saying to him oh my god

long story short the

girlfriend i was dating at time came to my apartment

goes you bought a vcr

and i go no she

was the best buy with a vcr

thing over there whose is it

go over it’s my signature

um bought a

beast this is back on

dvds though so like i even want like bought the older

vcr and i bought it

the way home

after i left the

place wow you didn’t realize

about it and then she goes

what’s the matter with you or whatever and i go well

spawn and then she’s like you look

and then we went to the

doctors and then i lifted up a foot and i

fell and then

the whole thing yeah

that sounds like a

state of when you

wake up and somebody’s like well there’s

no football players that said they don’t remember like

trike but said

he would play

a whole quarter and didn’t remember playing the

whole joe durson

fighter such a

fuck patrick cote

and it was an awesome

fight patrick

kote caught

him with a big shot had dirks and heard then

dirks and wind up taking his back and choking him out

it was fucking

chaos great fight

and i ran into dirks and

after the fight we were on the way the

press conference i go dude that was a fucking awesome

fight and go

what a come from behind victory goes

i don’t remember it

wow what happened

i go you don’t remember what happens no man he

cracked me i don’t remember what happened i didn’t got

his back but this

wasn’t even interview i was just me and him backstage i

got his back

and you give the the bj pen you

pulled the hook over the arm trap the arm

and you choked

about it goes beautiful man wait till you see it

he’s i don’t remember it wow that’s

there was that one

guy you did interview

and he goes i don’t remember

that number i thought was a joke yeah and he’s like

oh i know i know

i don’t remember this at all yeah is that

against danny

cole miller

against dan mozon

yeah he got

dropped and i

really what were

you thinking how badly we

heard when he got

dropped because i got

dropped yeah yeah

yeah when it came on

oh wow i did like his reaction was so real tim sylvia

when he fought

what’s the name

randy couture

when tim sylvia

got cracked in the first

round he woke up

going into the fourth round

yeah he didn’t know what round was he thought the

second round was the fourth round

we thought the fourth round was the second round

off by two missed to over the fifth i

think it might have been the fifth

because they told him like this is the last

round he was like what the last

round like he thought it was like the second round

like he was gone

to race he was fighting on autopilot

just your body

your body trying not to die dude

you know just

random nerves just just randomly

throwing blasted

i love like striking

training i love

like hitting the pad and hitting the bag and

spawn with somebody you can

trust is fun

yeah if you can find that guy that knows 70 is 70

not you’re 70

you punch you in the face recently

and your clock

problem yeah

same thing that’s why like i like i enjoy

train like you said

we’re doing

literally i go let’s go 40

because i got so much

and if you know people don’t know when you do like

striking spawn

the whole deal is that you don’t hit each other hard

you hit each other like

a little bit but you don’t try to knock each

other out yeah

and so i’m like

and my problem is

i don’t get in

close enough so i told the guy

let’s go 40 that way if i do get

drilled right in the face it’s not gonna

so then i throw a kick but i’m

throwing a kick at

forty percent

which means

any little kid

could grab that kick yeah it’s not going fast

so he swoops it grabs it and then

blaster punches

as hard as he could

after he catches my foot and then i’m just

laying there i want yeah that’s what i’m gonna do

more jiu jitsu because the

worst thing is

gonna happen to me is somebody’s

gonna tap me out

yeah i mean that

could be that fluke

weird yeah you get

occasionally but

it’s more of a

just not a gentleman’s poor it’s just uh

more technical

and the worst

thing that’s happened is i go like that and i’m not

going man i

are just weird

plant where

the face slow down good guys don’t hurt you

good guys are the least

you have to

worry about like with a guy like eddie

if he gets your arm he’s

gonna have full control he’s not

gonna pull it back and snap it

you gotta worry about

strong blue belts that are just

starting to

learn how to tap people

those are the ones

you know or you know

just real hyper

aggressive and they don’t know how to

relax yet or

super powerful

white belts

who are just

learning moves

emotional gut is

bruises all over your fucking well when you

sparr somebody especially

like if i find a

place wherever i’m performing

that’s a better

story for them

yeah is ding

knocked out the

comic that way

that’s a way better story then

i want to work on getting inside you mind if i

i’m gonna go

some places that you go to would

know people don’t try

to do that at all like when i went to a mall eastons

place in boulder i

when i moved in i

started training there people

could have been nice

yeah everybody was cool

there was no assholes there was no aggro

dudes no one trying to tap you no one getting crazy

i mean they were trying to tap you but they you know

they weren’t

trying to yeah

you know they were just rolling it was

this it’s all from how cool the instructor is

the instructors cool to the people like

eddie’s so friendly and so

relaxed and so cool to everybody that everybody in the

whole gym carries that friendly

relaxed attitude

you know you go to like john jacques the same

thing john jacques is a real nice guy

so everybody there is nice

and he was so high the

other day that he

started talking

and he wanted to hand it and then i was like i wonder

if and then you see

those people

laughing like he’s gone

he got so high he

spent the first five minutes of

class talking

about some history channel documentary on ufos

the first five minutes like dude they got scientists

man they got

nasa nasa people going down

it’s on the history channel shits going down

i’m like how high are you right now

often you do do do

once once to one point five times a week

but you still see

i need even that once yeah

get you thinking

about it i just get so mad at myself like i’ll go

on you learn some

stuff and then you come back and

you just hold somebody

going i used to remember something

i don’t remember the

and then try to hold it more you

gotta just be like running

you just stand on

a couple weeks off and you try to do your act like

how’s this go you don’t even remember your bets you

have to like review your recordings i forgot a shit i

took extended period off and i forgot a shit i was like

yeah i know

i can do something here i don’t have any idea

you forget a lot of shit i forgot

completely forgot how to do this is this move to

break the armbar

loose called the silverado

it’s my favorite move and i was a purple belt i

completely forgot

about it right

revealing it the other

night i’m like oh yeah it’s there that’s how it goes in

you know i forgot

how to do it but it was like one of my favorite moves

it’s weird jujitsu’s there’s so many moves that’s the

crazy thing

about it is

it’s do you

think it’s it’s not matched

right you think

year from now some guy

would do something that’s

right it comes off what

other people are doing yeah so that’s

based on what you do and then

but then no

one has ever thought to defend this move yet because

it does get invented then you’ve got to have a

counter there’s this new move that dudes have

been doing real recently called the japanese necktie

and it’s just come out like i

think aoki was the

first person to do it and

and the group

yeah it’s no

japanese neck ties like

it’s sort of like a dars

but you you you grab it

you grab it with a gable

grip and you turn the guys head up towards his

chest and you have your

chest pinned on them it’s fucking nasty

this one the

band it’s new

it’s like how did no one know this before

right right yeah people are in this

position all the time they’re trying to get the dar’s

choke but really

there’s an even better

choke that’s

right there so as soon as you lock up that gable

grip and you get on top of a guy

just tuck it

under and you’re bending his fucking neck towards his

chest your chest is on top of his head

he’s got no air no blood

whenever we do

those drills and it’s

those cranks oh

i always pretend

like we have an odd number of people in the

class that i don’t have

a partner no you

should do it

yeah but you do it anyway you got to

relax just let them let them yank your neck around

it’s such a

small difference between fine and

serious pain

yeah but you got to get used to that

no one’s gonna hurt you doing that you know but it’s

gonna be uncomfortable

but that that moves it’s so important to

learn how where

where it comes on

cause like the japanese necktie comes on so quick

the peruvian of

tattoo it’s like well you’re

going like this and then you’re just

jumping back and hopefully you don’t go too far

but it’s a spasi

move it’s awesome move

peruvian necktie

and japanese

necktie both of them are the shit

they fuck you up man

that’s a terrible position to be in

i think the japanese neck

ties even mom proving is pretty badass too

and the proving you got your weight on top of them

always the japanese

necktie you kind of like on the side and hooking it but

it doesn’t matter it’s so good such a

powerful move like that

well i think we’re done do you

agree brian

i was just thinking

of japanese people i’m

like have i ever seen a japanese guy wear it in no time

well what about that fucking japanese video game

that video that you posted

maybe we should end with that

cause that is the most bizarre fucking

thing i think i’ve ever seen on the internet

there’s some

crazy japanese video game that’s like

these two muscle bound gay guys wearing diapers

and there there are

human bicycle

and they’re riding on the road and they’re

getting chased and

i mean it is one of the gayest

weirdest things

japanese lead that lead the the league in

weirdness god is so strange

do you know for people don’t know

there’s like you can go to vending machines in

japan you can buy use panties

like that’s real right

yeah you go places they sell used panties

why couldn’t we open one of those there

because you have one of those here

all you have to do is get a girl to put it on real

quick throw it in a bag and then yeah i think you have

to have enough people there because i think

maybe cause

i think you

should have different

levels you should have different levels

one the girl wears it all day that’s the primo

she doesn’t change

her panties all day no shower in the morning no shower

she goes to the gym

and you get

those stinky

sweaty funky

moose knuckle

underwears i

think you missed an opportunity for the

joe rogan fanny pack

i’m gonna make a line

and i was already

thinking about your fashion show

i’m making fanny packs and then

like rogan i mean you

could probably get it so instead of its fanny

pack it’s oh you want to

well i mean there’s some huge yeah

like people’s

balls and people

think i’m kidding about the fanny pack thing

you see me at the airport i always have one of

those things you should shape a fanny pack like a

skull like a three dimensional

skull you can get a little

crazy with it it doesn’t

it’s overhead

compartment for your junk you know

you’re saying the sky’s the limit yeah

there’s so i mean they really there’s a huge open

where and you comfortable so useful

five packs the shit

and then i could see

fighters entering will that be a little bit of a

thing but you know sponsored by

and after seeing the juke clam what’s going to shock us

well this video we’re gonna show you is not as

shocking as the juke clan this is actually i got a big

bye everybody

is it a fact

actually funny so ours gonna be

here we’ll turn off the webcam now and check it out

all right thank you very much

ladies and gentlemen for another

fun fun you stream podcast i hope you enjoyed it

john heffron

needs more twitter followers people it’s at

john heffron heffron with two fs

and we love you bitches thanks for tuning in

you see this john whoa


what the fuck

what the fuck

look at the baby sound like teletubbies

alright guys thanks for watching bye everybody

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