pass the camera back and forth
all the
we could go now but
unless you wanted me to do the audio or that
video first things i take no i was just do it just for
you got it on your screen yes
recording broadcasting
ladies and gentlemen we’re here
are we here
see this fuck
i see it man yeah it sounds huh
i can hear the sound yeah
the sound works
what’s on right now
ladies and gentlemen
we are not smooth operation
this is my friend tom segura
very funny talented comedian
we’re drinking coffee we just ate some disgusting food
i had a big fat italian sub that’s terrible for you
but taste good shit
i ate too fast i did too well we knew we had to do this
so we got lunch and then we came down
you don’t want to hear about our fucking food
you don’t care
oh i’m echoing
turn my volume down like i said
we in a smooth operation ladies and gentlemen
what’s going on freaks
how the fuck are you all out there and you stream land
times a girl what you do this weekend what do i do
times girl hilarious
stand up comedian
if you haven’t seen him before
tom and i met when
when i was first doing the
maxim tour with charlie murphy and john heffron
we did this tour
and everywhere we had a different guy open up for us
and you know
most of them were guys that were just
starting out or guys that
hadn’t been doing it that long it was like cool little
thing for them to get up and and do some
stand up or it was like the local
funny guy there’s like
in a couple towns like chicago there was like some
local guys went up that were really funny
a couple of the places but
tom was the funniest
at all of them he
was the funniest when we were in phoenix and he went up
he’s fucking
hilarious i was like god damn this dude’s really
funny like this is some
funny shit it was like
it was mean
spirited but smart and
very good stuff man
and so we’ve been pals
thanks man ever
since tops a
girl very talented comedian
just you know for comedians
there’s a lot of comedians that are really
funny but you don’t know who they are
and it’s a it’s a
weird thing it’s like
to be really good as a comedian is almost like
sometimes it’s like the
exact opposite mindset
to be good at like
promoting yourself
you know don’t you
think yeah man there’s what they
did the two extremes
exist right yeah
the guy or some guys
i don’t know i just
i i don’t feel like i feel like you’re supposed to be
not just focusing on your stand up
but on how to be a
great marketing guy
yeah this is hard to do it’s not my mindset
you know and there’s guys that are
like dane cooks
the master at it for sure yeah but there’s guys
that are pretty goddamn good at it you know that really
really are are
are good about like
promoting themselves and some of them have a
great five minutes yeah
but god damn they can fill up places
you know it’s an art in and of itself it really is
it’s definitely something to be respected
you know i’m always amazed when i find out like
certain guys are like selling you know ten thousand see
places you like whoa really holy shit i do that
that’s incredible ten thousand people come to see you
but is that it is that can that
be a result of doing a
great promoting you think
well yeah i mean it’s
definitely a result of
great you have to have something there has
to be a product then there has to be
great promoting
but i think
the very same mindset that makes you
like the really the
really good
comics like
guys like david tell
they’re not the best at
promoting themselves you know like
these are louis ck
and louis ck is a
great professional
comic a great writer but like
he just deleted his myspace and deleted his
facebook you didn’t want to deal with anymore so he’ll
still use twitter
just cause he felt like it was too much and so
like it’s almost like
to be great creatively
it’s almost like you can’t really
you know it’s something
it’s almost like they don’t
they don’t work together like you have to relearn it
as a comic like i
think you have
to like accept that this is a part of the job
and you can’t
think of it like um
you know like something you don’t you
know you do or you don’t do is no big deal you have to
think of this is like an integral part of your job
yeah and it’s hard to but it’s the
thing is like it’s hard to picture
like richard pryor
being like you
gotta come to my show yeah no
tell your friends to come
you know you don’t
picture him
you just know you like you
when you get into combat
you don’t like
think oh and then i’ll
recruit people to come to the show
you just go
i’ll just work i’ll just try to do this well and i’ll
never actually
never even encouraged you to think
about it because before you know
you think that every
like club managers is just like
what i do is i make people come here
right right right
like you have your part of the equation too
and it’s it’s a
weird thing because now like with the internet
like you have more access to people than ever before
but it seems like less and
less comedians are like popping up than ever before too
it’s kinda weird you know
you would think that with
like you know the internet like there’d be more new
comics that you hear
about like how
often you hear
about some guy that someone tells you
about it’s really funny
and you go to see his clips and they’re really
funny it’s not that
often right
you know it’s like
think about how many good
movies come out a year
i think about like how many you know tv shows you’re
excited about
and then think
about how many
comics that you see you know
psycho it’s such a weird path
you know it’s like no one ever
no one who’s
smarter and more
more balanced than a comedian
ever stepped back and like looked at the
whole process and said listen
you know this is this is how it
should all be done this is how you
should go from
you know doing
open mic nights to being a professional
to you know to plotting out your career
no no one ever does that
okay listen
i got no one does
but this is fact that you’re making me
think of something i have to ask you
do you think that
that there’s just
i was thinking
about like who’s regarded as like
great and like how there’s not really you don’t hear
about that many new
things coming up
as far as comics go
right do you think
there is an age
that somebody
like you have to be
to really be
like considered
super funny like i’m saying
stand up is there a cut off age like
cause really
like grey comics don’t exist
under a certain
age don’t you
think um yeah i
would never say
absolutely because i
think that if there can be prodigies in
music and there can be people that are born with the
right neuro
frequency to make them like mathematical
geniuses when the children and
chess geniuses
i think all that shit is
that’s possible that someone
could be like that with comedy too that
could be some
smartass kid
who’s like eighteen
years old is funnier than everybody else and just just
yeah just a bud
genius how you listen memory
things though too like just having
you know such a huge memory i yes
there’s a certain amount
of is most certainly a certain amount of what comedy is
is the more
experiences you have the more
information you
could draw from
and so when you’re
older your comedy makes more
sense it’s more
it’s more complex
cause you’re more complex you’ve looked at the puzzle
a little bit longer
than the young kids but
some some of the
best comedy is not like that some of the best comedy is
silly you know
like look at
brian regan’s comedy
that’s some
silly shit man but it’s hilarious
yeah he’s like
brian rig is like one of the only dudes
that figured out a way to be hilarious for everybody
he’s hilarious like
if you don’t
think that guy’s
funny like you’re you’re being
you know you’re not in a good mood
you know like
he said much
fucking silly shit
and it’s like really well delivered
but you can take your
grandmother to go see
brian regan
totally yeah
i kid you think it’s amazing
he figured something out
well it’s just him though you know i’m saying like
that’s who he is
and if you’re some kid
just some super genius
twenty year old kid
who’s to say that you can’t
be hilarious who’s to say you can’t be like a real
you know headliner that i
would pay for
i mean i look back and like when i was
twenty one doing
stand up i would like to go back to all
those people and give them
their money back
i would like to go i’m so
sorry you had to sit through all that shit
you know i would love to go
back to people that saw me when i was like twenty two
and and apologize i’m so
sorry but you helped me so much i know it was atrocious
to get through
paying for you to go through college kind of
you’re not exactly
is your paid
if you’re paid comedian and you really
have only been doing it for like two years and you’re
twenty two years old
god damn your materials
gonna be dog shit
you know i mean i had some
stuff actually
about a second year i had some
stuff that was
pretty good it’s like good blowjob jokes and
stuff like that
ones that i
could still
throw out today
if i’m in a hole
at one thirty five in the morning you know
i need a bit this
settle into what we’re talking about yeah
it’s possible the right i
think some some
young kids could be amazing
i choked fucked up bro
fucked up um yeah i
guess it’s possible it’s like do you ever do you how
often do you find yourself stopping
to watch like a
twenty five year old
say something
or like if it is
twenty five year old it’s a black one
you know someone tells me there’s some
white kids in here
i’m like how old is he
twenty five
has he done heroin
no yes i’m saying i want to see something
not interesting
like tell a certain
point yeah you
gotta tell me what happened to him
was he was he kidnapped molested
did he graduate harvard early
yes yes to all these okay
let’s see what you have to say
never how much
of your early
stuff you thought was good though like yeah
hit twenty minutes you’re like
i’ve got a great
twenty minutes there was a
point in time
where i was way
ahead of myself i thought it was much better than i was
and there’s also a
point when you realize
that um a lot of what you’re doing especially
with me i realize a lot of what i was doing was just
doing tricks
i had not relaxed enough to
let out my own
sense of humor
all i was doing was like trying to calculate
how to trick them into
laughing right now
i hadn’t really figured out what was funny
all all i was just
i was coming from a real weird
place i was coming from a
place of what’s my
sound just went off or something
well yep did you
tweet it as me too yeah
what is it you put on twitter
it’s on your twitter right hand
okay so we’re on right now yeah on right hand
okay
uh oh
ladies and gentlemen obviously the new world
order does not want i was talking about
stand up comedy
it’s a very dangerous subject and
the information that we have leaked in this broadcast
this confidential information
may be bad for america
we’re back i
don’t know what the fuck happened we got forced off
got forced off the air you know
because we’re giving out
secret information
about the government
government came through
they called
tell me what’s your take on conspiracies any
any crazy conspiracies that you believe in mmm
is there anything
you believe in the people go what the fuck is
wrong with you tommy
yeah like i’ll be like
money makes you
happy wow what a
bunch of bullshit that is that’s i’m
i’m not rich and i’m fucking
the happiest guy you’ll ever meet in your life
it’s very happy guy
yeah but i think
you know george carlin
did an interview
where he was talking
about the key to happiness is
find something that you love
to do do it well and have people recognize you for it
you know and um
it was a it was pretty interesting interview
cause it was dead on the
money you know
i mean that’s
that is really like the key to happiness like
even if you
even if you’re making really good money
doing something you don’t like to do it’s not fun
you know i mean
even if you’re making
great money like as a
stock broker banker
that shit eats away at your fucking soul
nobody wants to be doing that you can
never be thrilled to do that yeah
yeah no there’s like there
i mean there are serial killers
who really enjoy doing that
you know supposedly
right yeah so
but who knows what the fuck that is
but you know it’s like
to to really be
happy you know the real problem is
not everyone can fucking do what they wanna do
we have a whole
world full of air force
fighter jet pilots
rights martial arts
fighters comedians
and you know
and and billionaires and you know i’m saying yeah yeah
it’s there’s
gonna have to be regular
folks too there’s
going to have to be
people that abandon
those ideas
or families
more important to them or some aren’t capable either
yeah there’s
that too but that’s that’s the
thing that people don’t wanna
look at like as if there’s like real inherent
potential in people
and everyone wants to
think that everybody’s equal
but that’s not true i’m
i’m very dumb when it comes to math
like my brain it’s like
never i never paid attention in high school
and when people
start talking math
i have like a
block my brain just
glosses over
exact same way
yeah i know
if you know i
think part of it’s even
self imposed
right like yes we’re not as bad at math as we
think we are
right because
the whole everything that we think of
with math is
scary we just
you actually
try less in math because you’re already scared of
it you know what i mean like yeah yes i said i tell you
every level of math yeah me too
and and you know what the funny
thing is almost everybody i know that’s a really good
comic cause the same problem
bad man yeah i don’t know any
comics like math geniuses
it’s like a different mindset
you know yeah
yeah i think it is
that’s just
guessing though you know
cause my i had a friend my friend johnny b
was a pool player
that guy easily
could have been a
stand up community
he just nobody talked to him
you know there’s there’s a
bunch of guys that i’ve met in my life
that could have really easily
eddie bravo
eddie bravo
could easily been
a stand up comedian
there’s a bunch of dudes that are just
real good storytellers
they just know how to make everybody laugh
and all they were missing was someone talking them into
going on stage yeah
so many guys like that but that guy was a mathematical
genius and he was a
he was a pool player like a professional hustler
and he was he was so good at math you
could like just
yell numbers out like yell
three ninety two
minus five divided by four times a hundred you go
two two two
twenty six that
have the number that really
freaks me out it was
crazy he could do it he
could do with
everything we
would sit there with a
calculator we
would fuck with them
and he was um
i mean that’s one of the reasons why so good at pool he
was he was amazing
at judging angles like he
could see it geometrically
he would see a pool table
he would see the paths you know
and that’s another mathematical thing
are a lot of good pool players good
there’s a bunch of guys
who are yeah
the guys who have like a real natural
talent for it
like as good
as i ever play pool when i was playing pool like
eight ten hours a day
i was always
never near as good as like
really good guys
and my friend johnny was like as good as like
when he was on
he could play as good as anybody i’ve ever seen
really yeah it’s it’s a talent
you know there’s
a certain amount of it is hard work and dedication
but there’s a certain there’s
in every now and then whether it’s in
music or in
you know in you know sports
every now and then there’s
hard work comes
along and and runs into a talent
you know when you see someone who’s got something just
some natural incredible
gift and on top of that they work hard with it
you know that’s
that’s like the type of shit that’s the real
amazing thing
yeah somebody is that talented
they’re still working really hard
yeah like like
fighters like bj penn is a perfect example of that
here’s a guy who’s
super hyper talented
but his his big problem was
he never really
trained like the most obsessed guys do i mean he
trained hard no doubt
about it but
there’s a certain
level of fitness
these fucking
crazy monsters
these george st
pierres these
these savages that
they’re on this
insanely high
level of fitness
and you know and finally bj is
training just like
those guys are now so now it’s incredible
you see guy with
talent and on top of the
talent now you have
dedication hard work to
it’s amazing too if you look at like
yeah of all
sports i know there’s at
least a couple guys in
every sport
that some of them
we’re known for not working hard
yeah they were so not like someone i
think totally want
every like pete
sampras and everybody knows
pete sampras
like apparently i
think it’s him like
if it’s not
i’m sorry but
i think it’s pete
that that like they said like didn’t really
train and the guy had like
every grand slam
title that’s incredible he was
basically unbeatable for
a stretch of years he
um he married
a chick that i did a
pilot for a tv show with
god i wish i
could remember her name she was
super cool she was oh
adam sandler
movie yeah yeah yeah
bridget wilson i
think that’s
right no no
remember her name i
can’t remember her name she was very nice though
yeah that guy was a
super tennis
player and he didn’t train
i think they said that like
it’s not that he didn’t
train it’s just like
not a hard work
isn’t it funny like that
black women have made his
tennis with the william sisters
when when we got see like
yoked up running back looking
tennis players
you know dudes like hershel
walker type
tennis player
who just bam
just fuck that ball up
you know what i mean like
those guys are coming
i mean all they have to do is like get into
tennis and all
these white guys are fucked you know
i mean that’s just that’s just how it’s
gonna go down
if any if ever
there’s like
a path for inner city
school kids to get good at tennis
oh no reason
tennis is a rich person
sport man who the fuck is playing
tennis where
where’s the
tennis court
right you know if you go to
tennis court in a bad neighborhood that’s
where people fight
you know i mean it’s not you know
you get black kids really into
tennis holy shit
it’s over it’s
over to rap
to rap what are you
gonna move faster than them
you know what i wonder
why it hasn’t happened for real though i don’t know
you know it’s funny that
for somehow or another that’s perceived as being racist
when you talk
about black athletes like that
black athletes are some of the best in all
sports there’s
great white
white athletes is greatly
george c pierre
and you know brock
lesnar this
this freak athlete athletes are
white too but
man there’s a lot of
great black ones holy shit
bobby buckeye
says when venus and serena
have kids god damn
venus and serena what kind of imagine if
venus and serena
had kids with
bobby lashley
you know bobby lashley
is he’s just
super yoked up
wrestler dude
who is fighting
mixed martial arts now
he looks like looks like like a
like a like one of
those little he man action figures
doesn’t mean like a real human
he’s just fucking
super yoked
smashing dudes just
picking them up
slamming them
their backs his
super powerful wrestler
him and serena williams oh my god
i think it’s even crazier when people say
like that the
blacks aren’t
great athletes yeah that would be
that’s what this guy
i have a little twitter
conversation back and forth this dude last night
he said that me and goldberg
ovaries refer to
black people as explosive
and athletic
when they’re describing a
black fighter
and that you know that
could be perceived as
racist because you’re not
counting into fact that they’re very technical as well
that’s bullshit
you know we always
count into effect whether guys are technical
like when you look at a guy like phil
davis is this
wrestler just fought
in the last ufc
wasn’t just explosive and athletic he’s like a high
level wrestler
you know his technique was outstanding and the way took
these guys down was like almost effortless
you know he’s so good at wrestling
and the guy fought this guy
brian stan you
know had good take down defense but this dude is so
all around so good
how could you not say he’s explosive
netflix that’s ridiculous
yeah that is exactly what he is and they want you to
imagine that
yeah it’s not that he’s not technical too but
come on man that guy has some free gifts
his legs are like fucking ten feet long
they look like like almost like an antelope’s legs
you know i’m saying
it looks like
when he was out there
standing in
front of the dude
like he looks like he
could jump over him
he looks so powerful
you know and like brock
lesnar’s another one that’s a perfect example of a
white guy how can you not say that guy
is is like athletic
how can i say he’s explosive
he’s and he’s
white and he’s
a just a fucking giant
viking dude you know he’s got viking genetics or some
shit in him you know i’m saying he’s an animal
fuck yeah i mean that’s just
that’s just real
like that’s like the the the the most
savage that america’s capable of producing
that’s pure american
power genetic
right there you know i’m saying
like you get like
a lot like especially
like with with slavery in america i mean so many
i mean it’s like
something that you’re not supposed to talk
about for whatever reason but it’s a
known fact that slaves
would breed
the biggest males
of the biggest females and i mean how many african
americans in this country come from slavery like
goddamn it’s it’s it’s a real it’s a real obvious
thing that’s the reason why there’s so many
really powerful
strong ones it’s almost like genetic engineer
it’s absurd to not recognise
that there are more
explosive athletic but
that’s a good
thing like how
could that possibly be
but how could that possibly be like
negative like you’re
in some ways people are saying
like well you’re making excuses for them you’re saying
they’re better than people because of that
and it’s not because of technique but
that’s just you you’re putting that in your own head
i would never say that
you know and
there are guys
that are explosive that aren’t that technical but
you know that’s just because that’s how
they are and there’s guys that are you know it’s like
you gotta be honest
about when it comes to
sports and anything like
everyone’s so
touchy feely with this
whole black
white issue
you know we’re all
human beings
folks but it’s it’s very obvious that
chinese guys don’t have bigger dicks than black guys
i mean everybody fucking knows it you you couldn’t
argue it in court
yeah you know if you if you pull out all the
black dicks and all the chinese dicks
it would be a simple i would bet
every fucking dollar i have
that the black guys
would win yeah
right they would be the the
white the chinese dicks
would be crying
every now and then you
think you got a big dick
until you tune into you porn
and there’s
some dude and i’m not talking fake rubber dicks
brian i know what you think
i’m talking real dicks
there’s dudes
with real dicks that look like fucking arms
like man dingo yeah they’re real
dicks they aren’t holding on to it it’s not strapped on
their balls are shaved
this is his real
giant dick and he’s fucking the shit out of this
poor little
white runaway
and this girl with a bad
tattoo on her ass and
that’s intimidating bro man dingo’s
dick actually looks like a like a weapon that he
could like use like in a
fight or like
to get you like
give him money like that guy’s yeah
looks like it looks like a fist
have you seen
lexington steel
oh yeah this is yoked up
black dude you guys
gonna take like fourteen inches long
i just did a song man
we’re talking
reality here people you see what’s taking over twitter
the new thing
no i was just
gonna about talk
about john holmes
is very important
the last big
white guy with a big dick was john holmes
known for his big dick
who else has been
known for a big
giant not like
pretty much
no yeah it’s not the same
he’s got a big dick but it’s not
ridiculous john
holmes was a
monster it was a snake
but the dude
could never get fully hard
right it was always like
because all it was all jacked up on whatever the
fuck he was doing at the time joe see that movie that
where val kilmer played him
pretty interesting
movie yeah yeah
yeah it was a mess
but it was never like a
never like a weapon
you know yeah this
these things
would whatever
look black guys
you can run faster and jump higher
and you have bigger scarier dicks
that’s a fact
i mean it’s
to say to act like it’s not true
and those dicks are terrifying
it’s a stereotype
tom stereotype
yeah you shouldn’t
you shouldn’t support those
stereotypes
cause there’s a lot of
black guys out there with little dicks
and they don’t
wanna get along with
their woman
pull it out and have all
these highlighters it’s
not the color like if it was a
the same black i
would be white
would it just be like creepy
river dick it
wouldn’t be big and just be like creepy
river dick creepy
river what is it what
the fuck are you talking
what is that
i don’t know
never heard they got too high
i’m gonna have to shut this camera off
or settings here
did you see the new
thing that’s
taken over twitter
no that google buzz have you been kind of a
tester that yet
no what is that
it’s a pretty much google’s taking twitter
and embedding it into gmail
jesus fucking christ
savages yeah i just
started it and oh my
god it never
it’s gonna take over twitter god damn it
i was hoping that twitter
would be it
i would hope i
would hope we
could stop but you know what
here’s the thing man google’s taking over the universe
they’re gonna be internet service providers now
google’s gonna
install their own pipes in neighborhoods
these gigantic fucking
one gigabyte pipes these
fiber optics that like get you
you can download
porn on the moon and like you know fractions of a
second you know
they’re they’re doing some nutty shit man they own
everything man
google maps google voicemail
google mail google
everything it takes over it’s
crazy the takeovers begun yeah
could you imagine
if we find out one day that what google was was
everybody was saying well
if there is artificial
intelligence you know when artificial intelligence
eventually manifest itself
like will it even let itself be known
or will people just go about
their lives not knowing that artificial intelligence is
alive and conscious and while
artificial intelligence is trying to plot what
what to do and how to take over the situation
well if computers were
intelligent
wouldn’t they
start up a company that
would just buy up
everything and own own you
have your accounts
where you do your you can do google purchases
where you buy
things with
a google account and you got google mail
google maps
which shows
where you fucking live
you know you got google
everything in your google voicemail
it’s documenting
everything that you say
it’s making like
little transcriptions of
every voicemail
that gets left on you what do you hear that
google is gonna try to do
their maps but inside of buildings
that’s for next thing
so like if you’re like
i wanna know
where that pot
store is oh there it is
i wanna see what it looks like inside oh that’s
crazy walk through the store
and they just announced
a couple days ago that
they have all these ski
thing so now you can go
down ski mountains
on google maps it’s already on google maps
right now do you imagine
if you can go to any now
google was really artificial intelligence
slowly consuming society
the president was a
robot well the people that like at the
very top like no one’s met the boss you know i’m saying
like the boss
is fucking pay no attention the man behind the curtain
you know it’s a fucking computer man
could you imagine
this is the bad guy from inspector
gadget with a cat like
how did what how does it work
what would you
think would happen if there was a moment
where artificial intelligence
became independent
they they were able
to operate and sustain themselves without any human
action they had
a set system set up of
checks and balances
where they could always make sure that they
would stay awake
they would always hit make sure the
power was on they had
robots that they were controlling that
could you know manipulate
everything and do what they wanted them to do
at that point in time
when do we find out
how cause that’s
gonna happen
right i mean
if it’s possible
it’s gonna happen if
it hasn’t happened if the if you know with with moore’s
law and with you know the exponential increase in
you know accelerating
increase in
in complexity when it comes to
technology it’s it’s
gonna it’s not
gonna stop right here it’s
gonna keep going
it’s gonna keep
going in the same directions
going right now
will we be enslaved at that
point though oh
dude don’t do that to my cat she gets she
freaks out when people like
like do weird shit with her like hold her in front of
things and she’ll go pee somewhere
you can’t do that
she loves attention but
if you fuck with her she’ll shit in your bag
she loves me
do you think
do you think that like it’ll be well we all be google
slaves of i’m wondering in the man google’s
gonna take over the goddamn universe skynet
how do you use by the way have you used the other
search engines
google is skynet why don’t they just change it i’ve
been trying i’ve been actually trying to use bingo
is it is it good it’s alright it’s better than yahoo
i mean who are who you yeah
what happened how did google just become such
uber cyberpumps they had the
basic color
graphic and that’s all it was remember when you
first went to yeah but that’s not why they’re so
successful why are they so successful in
hitting like all these major markets
like they made a brand name
and then once once they made that brand name all the
other versions
of what they do were diminished significantly
like i don’t know what the numbers are so like yahoo
searches to google
searches but
everybody i talk to when you have a question
you go google that shit yeah
you know hey you know why is this guy red on certain
nights when the sun sets
google that shit
bam you know what is that oh well that’s the
moisture in the air combined with you know the fucking
rotation of the
earth and you’re only getting the corona
blah blah blah
that’s fascinating shit man
we didn’t have that weird kids
we’re just stupid
this is a fantastic time to be
alive that’s
great you can ask any question that
thing right
until google
fucks us in the ass
right till google shuts the whole
system down takes over
i just really want the next
big thing to be
everything you see is recorded
type thing what why
would you want that
you’re free so many
times where i’m just like
like i walked out the
other night and i saw a
shooting star
and it was the biggest
shooting star i ever saw
and i’m just like
fuck i wish i saw that like i
could just show that to somebody else
right but then you
would rewind
it it would get to the part
where you were beating off
early that day
sorry i went too far
and you had
two fingers up your butthole and you make scissor
motions of your fingers
and you’re beating it i have not forced
to see that too
you think it’s
gonna be something like
where you’re
gonna put like
these like contact lenses in
that are like a
computer or something that goes over your eyes there’s
gonna be some sort of a neural interface there’s
gonna be something that connects people’s minds
and the whole system of
recording and consciousness
in your mind and connects that directly to a computer
yeah that’s that’s what’s
gonna happen it’s
gonna be there’s
gonna be you’re
gonna have a way to access
yourself other databases and i this is what i
think it’s probably
gonna be it’s probably
gonna be they’re
gonna come up with an artificial
brain they’re
gonna reproduce the
human brain
and i mean once they get to the
point where they can do that once they get to the
point where they can
they can literally create or recreate a human mind
and and and have all its functions
mapped out and do it correctly
like that that
that seems like
nonsense but that’s just a matter of time they’re
gonna be able to do that eventually
and when they do goddamn
they will have finally something
though that we’ve always wanted like flying cars
for them it’ll be
crazier than that it’ll be when they have an artificial
brain and they know exactly how the
brain works
they know exactly how to interface with your brain
they i mean it
might be possible to interface with your
brain with a
frequency that you could
transmit through the air
will people have to do anything at that
point it might be like wi fi man and what you
might not have to do anything like biologically to your
brain what i’m saying is they
might figure out a way to tap into the very fucking
frequency that your
brain operates under
you got mad ants it
sounds like what’s
cause of you you
dirty bitch they hate you
if i’m gonna kick your ass
i do have ants i
got an ant problem um
like all of its carpet
yeah well nobody gives a fuck
about that out there and you
streamland bro that’s not
fascinating i
was gonna talk
about ants for a while um
so you know what is
gonna happen that’s the big question
what the fuck is it
gonna be what is what is
gonna be this
this big change
that uh that
that takes us from
where we are
today i think it’s
gonna be something like that i
think the next big jump is
gonna be something
where we can directly access information
you know like
you know they make my
maybe they can even try it in a town
you know and one town will volunteer for it and the
whole fucking town becomes telepathic
you know like they have this
frequency they can broadcast it like
like a wi fi type signal
and the wi fi
type type signal is hooked to some sort of uh
some sort of a machine
or something
that can can take
brain ways and connect them and and um
what’s the word i’m looking for
translate them
uh into binary code into
ones and zeros into the information from the internet
and then it can
transmit it
right back into
brain waves
so you can access things
without doing anything
without having any
chips in your
brain without having any wires
if they could get to the
point where they
could figure out how to
transmit something
that your brain
could automatically and instantly produce
i think google
goggles is a pretty good step too being able to take a
picture of anything
and it’s like
google search for
photos you know
walk around back what’s this bird
right brings you up
everything about that bird
right i think that’s
gonna be good too because then
you have to have like competing japanese
doing all that shit though
right yeah can’t be that we all get it from one source
right that’s
the problem yeah mean
do google has a good
reputation though right
i don’t know i
think it but also is a really aggressive
like company yeah well obviously
should have
taken over the goddamn
world yeah exactly
i used to really
like google but now i’m getting kind of
freaked out by the
way really it’s just about
the information that they have the growing in
power you know
i mean we’re pretty much
trusting a website with a lot
of information a lot almost everything yeah
yeah they mean
they know where you live bro
they got you got a map of your fucking house
it’s really
weird right they i have a phone in my pocket that has
me gps everywhere i am in the whole entire world
maybe google
maybe google step one
and then you know
step two is you have to buy the certain cellphone
stick it up your ass and
go back in time it’s a darning initiative
it is the goddamn domination
i’m not even excited to watch lost i got that shit dvr
i’m not even
excited to watch it it wasn’t a good episode last week
bored the shit out of me man
last week it was like
i like this we’re going back in
time oh and then the bomb and the hero will go oh look
this is crazy
they’re in this time
but are they in that time or this time
where are they right what
this guy nick you
said it fast the last episode the last ninety
seconds is all they needed for the
whole episode yeah
you know it seems to
me like i didn’t
it was a brilliant show that is impossible to keep up
you know it’s impossible
to keep people strung
along and fascinated oh
i love it do you
but did the same people are writing it
after a certain
point in time you don’t
think the wells dry
no i thought it was dry like
maybe the third
season well
maybe they’re just
setting a bunch of
things up and it
would be worth it in the future
i watched the whole
first three
seasons whatever the hell it was
i watched them all
on dvds i watched them all in a row
which was awesome
no commercials
you watch two
three in a row
it’s fun that was great yeah
were you hooked for the
first time you saw it
i actually caught up like he did but i
started like at
season two just went
author one into
i get hooked on shows man then i get
bored like i
about star galactica
love that show that show was incredible i couldn’t
get in on that till the last
season the last
season i was like oh okay
more you know it wasn’t that it was was bad
it was just
after a while it’s like lost interest
did i didn’t
i didn’t have enough invested in it it’s like you’re
if you’re they’re
building a show towards a certain conclusion
you know and then they have a new
conclusion all
sudden around planet
oh okay well what
how is this
gonna work out after a
while you just lose interest yeah it’s like you’ve been
dragged the
dramas been
dragged out of you
you know a series i think
it’s very difficult like
this when there’s a quest
you know when there’s a
quest to find like the new earth
yeah that’s good to
motivate you through a few episodes but
to keep that
going like as a
series and to stay interested i
think that’s hard to do
i think there’s kind of
something like even though you’re not getting as much
there’s something
great about
those series that make like a
short season
like some of the hbo
ones what you know they don’t do like a
twenty two episode
thing right
and they can keep you if
their season is
six twelve episodes
you can stay much more hooked in
what they’re doing and it
raises the quality of
those yeah you know but when you
watch like a
series you know like you know if you’re
watching like
they have 22 episode
seasons or sometimes
more than that
like 40 episode
seasons yeah some shows
it’s hard to keep that compelling
or do you who has 40 i don’t know south
park maybe yeah
yeah but like you know like when you
watch did you watch like the original
miss i drama obviously the original office on hbo
six episodes i never watched it it’s
fantastic it’s
amazing it’s real hard for me for whatever reason to to
watch comedies
like especially when i’m on my own
like i watch them with friends or you know
i don’t like sit down by myself and like when i
watch a movie
it’s always
almost always
monster movies
i’m always watching like some werewolf
movie or some even shitty ones
like i watch stephen king’s
night flyer the other
night it’s a terrible
vampire movie but i like it
it’s fun stupid
you don’t watch that many comments
i don’t watch comedies by myself
that one was
was given to me
if i’m alone i’m
watching like documentaries
or you know
or shit like that if i’m
gonna watch something fiction
i wanted to be
completely stupid
i’ve i’ve given up on like you know
our team like you told me what the hurt locker
yeah yeah i can
watch it no
no i i keep like
thinking about
watching them like
don’t i mean no actually do just as i
would like to see what you think
about it i just can’t believe all
these people are praising it dude
war movies for you you can look out
it’s alright but it’s just like mission
to mission to
mission to man
people love it man some people love it
people love that i saw precious the other day
how was it it’s chicks hot
right she’s
super hot yeah super hot
she can rest
and play she’s
it’s it’s the
it’s like just it’s
the movies basically
oh this sucks
about your life
and then this looks and this sucks
and this sucks and then ends with the
worst thing ever and you’re like cool this movie
i don’t like that feeling
you know people tell you that you’re not deep
because you don’t
enjoy being depressed you know you don’t
enjoy i don’t want to go somewhere if you’re
gonna manipulate my feelings
and i mean that’s
all you’re really doing i mean are you
i guess some
movies raise
awareness for certain
causes and some
movies make you
think about
things a little
different but
i don’t need to be depressed alright
if i wanna watch a documentary on something i
watch it but if you’re
gonna make some shit up
make it fun for me
okay yeah yeah you know
i like i like fucking
i like vampires
i like werewolves
and shit i’m looking forward to benicio del toro
this weekend
the wolf man yeah i’m looking
forward to i like
i like shit that’s fun
you don’t have to depress me with
child molestation and abuse and
i don’t like the date drug addiction
i don’t like the idea that we have to reward
something that
really does depress you just because it depressed you
yeah like this
movie is awesome
it’ll depress the shit out of you
and then when it does you have to go you’re
right that was awesome
why is that awesome
and yeah yeah what is that
what is that why why are
those the better ones
how come the ones that make you
laugh or like
oh that’s no big deal it’s only making you
laugh right
but the ones that make
you like feel like shit yeah like i remember i said
it’s twenty one
grams we’re talking
about this once
i saw twenty one
grams this is
fucking movie where
at it’s at the end of the
movie i’m like i don’t
wanna go to one of
these movies ever
again so it made me feel like shit
was it well done yes it was well done but
why is seeing that good
right why is even
i know that that shit happens in real life you know i’d
watch documentaries
if that’s where i’m
gonna get my real life from
if i wanna get a
movie i don’t
wanna be depressed
i wanna have some fun i go to
movies i gotta play
things going on my own life you know yeah
i wanna escape
i wanna escape in a good way i
wanna escape and have some fun sure
i wanna escape and see some
silly shit you know i
wanna escape and see something fun i don’t
wanna get depressed
about heroin
an accent oh
i know i know that’s real i don’t care
yeah we can’t
fix that five hundred days of summer with another
really popular movie that
but it was just same
thing it was
on the plane yeah it was a it’s like
bummer after bummer
after what is that that chick
movie that is the number one
movie is on
dear john from the
notebook maker
yeah that’s number one yeah
i heard it was just yeah
that’s a pretty goddamn good looking couple
those two should go
right into porn
why you fucking around
you know they
should have
that’s gonna be what happens one day
they’re gonna have two versions of the
movie they’re
gonna have the cinematic version and the porn someone’s
gonna go crazy
and they’re
gonna make like an avatar with porn
that’s gonna be an option
you can get this the family friendly g
rated pg version
where there’s no fucking
or you can get the full
xx where when
and then i fucking like just for
just so that you
could beat off to it it’s not like you know like a
bunch of scenes like a compilation tape no
there’s a story
and then the
story they fuck and you’re
gonna get to see it
yeah that’s
gonna be possible yeah the
first couple like
these dear john couple
it’s gonna be some real
real attractive couple we’re
gonna do it they’re
gonna make it looks as part it’s already
it’s the real i was living that life
he was my john he went away he came back
we’ve made love i
loved him i was in the role
and then they’re
gonna have like
badass better be a
great fucking movie
three d and
but the rest of it is like
still a really good
movie three d
sperm yeah it’s
gonna be a three d oh
shooting it you
shoot it inside or if you love her bro how dare
you this is
gonna make it rain no no no
this is not a porno
for you to jerk off to this is love
you fucking asshole
you ruined everything yeah man ruin
everything dude
talking about avatar
porn the love version
how dare you brian
how fucking dare that’s why i have to say to you
now let’s say if because i
never go to
these goddamn questions
let’s see if there’s an
energy to summer was good
yeah but it was also like the most depressing movie
then why are we
watching this what is
500 days of summer
it’s some chick fil a
that i have a
sports door
hold let me shut this door
three d playboy
sweat coming actually playboy’s not coming anywhere
i didn’t playboys
about on the way out
just watching that playboy
reality show you can just tell they’re hurt for money
they have a show
did you hear there was a
story in the paper
about that that the
stockholders are mad
at mr hefner
because mr hefner
apparently is
he doesn’t want
to sell the company and even though there’s been some
a couple good offers to sell the company
he hasn’t accepted them
and he just wants a
his life take
it to his grave
yeah and why shouldn’t he
why i mean if that’s what he can do why
wouldn’t he do that he knows the end is near
of course he’s got a few years left
what is he doing he’s
going out having a good time
that fred flintstone he’ll make your bedrock why is it
how dare you
how dare you that was
so terrible
i wish i had a rock
that was terrible
you know this that whole
you have that
thing is such a
weird thing man
you know that one one dude figured
out a way how to make like pornography acceptable
really i’ve just don’t
show don’t show
their pussies
show everything else
don’t you don’t get crazy
you know have
her bent over and you can see like a little lip
but nothing no finger spread
you know like no both
pussy shots
i can’t you just why can’t you show the
pussy why can’t you show
i could grow
their legs pulled back
like looking at you showing up
why is it okay if i go only see part of it
you know is the
inner part evil
like what what are you hiding from me there’s danger
look at tara reid in that last episode is
she a playboy we got it dude it was just
it was avatar
bad boobs no it was avatar
it wasn’t even her yeah like
airbrush boom
dude it wasn’t even airbrushed it was avatar
but why would you pay
money for that as i’m saying is why didn’t we pay
money is that business is
still in business well we were
stoned and we were at
the hotel and
no i’m saying but why
would people buy it because people are
idiots only
through tooth
you see that tail would be
done with your tooth
and they buy it
i mean or the articles that’s the
other argument is that they have good
articles but i don’t know if they have good articles i
think that’s
an urban myth is it
well at one
point in time they had good articles
i know that because there was a book that i bought
a long time ago was a
bunch of interviews with
a playboy interviews
and it was really fascinating and one of them was
sinatra and i
never realized
sinatra was so fucking smart
sinatra was like really
smart and i
found out this from this
book of playboy interviews it was pretty fascinating
huh but it was more of really
about what sinatra
had to say than it was
about the interview
guy interviewing i remember my
first dirty joke was from a playboy
magazine in the
seventies oh
you silly ghost
what was it uh why is it
why is a girl’s asshole and
pussy so close together
she can pick them up like a six pack
oh jesus that was in playboy
nineteen seventy
eight or something why are you
grass and later pick
somebody up that’s painful i just think
about fingernails
scraping inside body parts holding up
that’s just rude why
would you want to pick them up like that
that shit is rude brian
how dare you wait
so was terry
not naked in the she was just basically
and she was like she
doesn’t have any ass her ass was
not as protection program
her ass was nowhere to be seen her ass
well except for the one
sitting on the
table like trying to
squish her butt to make it
but i wasn’t buying it
it’s so funny that’s a bravo
showed me that move
well that’s a
famous move when they don’t have an ass you
gotta sit on the table
yeah we’re talking about that
it’s hilarious
yeah man i mean it’s like
you know a certain point in time you gotta go
you know what are you really showing me
that’s not really a
picture of someone
it’s not really what they look like
i’ve seen what what she looks like
that’s not what she looks like right
why is she look like that scarface
is it like a
is it really not her body in the
it’s her body but it’s so airbrushed
it’s crazy like skin isn’t look my nose
pores it’s not like you know
apparently like she got in
shape and she got her act together
and that’s why she wanted to do this that’s what her
i totally understand that but your
who really wants to see that
who really wants to see
like fake stuff
i would way rather see a girl who
doesn’t look that hot
but she’s real
like i can see her skin that’s like hotter
you know a girl that even that isn’t in that good of
shape but she had a little
roll of fat but you see her real skin you know i’m
saying that’s hot
like that airbrush
is not even a little hot there’s nothing hot to it
you can’t you can’t get past the law you’re being told
it’s like the lie so great
that you looking at it you like
what i even seen i’m not even get anything from this
you know it’s like
it’s like fake fire like we’re i don’t feel the heat
there’s nothing there
you know that’s what it’s like
it’s just the
fucking much it really does nothing for you to
like when you see that it just
right it loses its
effect you know
like saying the person and it’s like how can playboy
still be a business
awesome because like people look at that
and they go
oh let’s see what this looks like see what her
photos look like no look at it at the
storm like oh
oh i’m not buying that
how are you people still
well they have a big
piece of plastic around the
magazine we can’t do that
it won’t let you look at it because
if you look at it no one’s gonna
buy there’s always one
issue that’s okay
there’s always one asshole like you
have you ever done that be honest no i have
never done that
i’ve never done that how dare you i
think when i was a kid i used to do it to take like a
bonus video game that they would put in
the game game magazines
yeah i never
i keep telling people that i’m
gonna answer the questions on my own form and i
never do so i’m gonna go to that
right now just to check it out
cause every now
and then some
guy some real have a good question
you guys are going australia
next week yeah
do you like your goatsy
flyer i made
did you even notice there’s a goatsy on that flyer no
i’m a crocodile dundee
oh is a road
it goes down and there’s no goats
on the bottom oh how dare you
okay a lot of these questions suck
no they don’t suck just
well too stoned would you ever desire to
be a porn star joe
is desire be a porn sting
steve oh says
no i don’t want anybody looking at my penis
i get very insecure
i just i don’t want to
think that you’re thinking about you come
here if the money was right would you ever do porn
nobody would want to see that
i would like to see it i mean
i would do somebody look to see what
i wouldn’t charge you all
right that’s right ladies and gentlemen
thanks been a good show
we really get with each other um
have you brian
everyone’s thought
about it at one you know what you thought
about it at one point well what’s it like do that yeah
i met a lot of gay porn
gay porn stars a lot of
met a lot of dudes
i met a lot of dudes who
how do you have ever met a gay porn star
when webcams first started
becoming big i had sex with this girl on a webcam
and this is before like when it was brand new
and i had i remember like 48 what year was this
what year if i could google it
that’s like 95 96
i like that’s what all
these rooms were just did website
ninety five something
like that ninety five ninety six really so it was like
fifty six k
in your streaming it wasn’t
it was probably faster than
fifty six k by then i
think it was
right like first
broadman but
like i remember having sex
with this girl
and i was more just so i
could have how many people watch it i
think it was like
fifty people in there
but i remember i was like dude
come to the camera
i never thought like anyone
would be able to record it i
never thought it
would have gotten this
crazy like what that
was back then we had such a feeling of innocence back
oh he was so innocent back
then well it was i
never do it now just
think about just the feeling of
connection that you have with
human beings now just because of twitter
just because it
shit like you
stream just
cause it shit like this
the connection
that we have now is nothing like it was back then
it’s really hard to imagine that that
was only fourteen years ago it seems like it was like
that was seems like a long jump in in in
human evolution as far as like you know our
culture our technology
it’s pretty big goddamn jump yeah
you know i’m just
going to have her
to shit like this you just do something like this
just put it on
this little social
media site and all
these people
watch it and
people download it
later and watch it
later yeah it’s incredible
it’s fucking nice i
just can’t i
still can’t get over that you had a webcam
in 95’s original geek man
he’s old school bro he’s old
school how big was a webcam
it was pretty big it actually was a lie to
tech and i think it was like about this
about that pig was this huge logitech
eye yeah it was
yeah wow yeah
dude i had a
t one mind in my
house in ninety eight
damn yeah i had to get a
t1 line installed in my house but i needed faster
here here’s how
funny they didn’t know
about technology when aol
first came out with instant messaging where you
could type to your friends kind of like text messaging
they used to have a guy’s voice i’d be like
instant message
every time you got a message
so so oh hi how’s it going i nice to see you
send a number instant
every single i remember like the
first couple months it was okay
you know but then it got to the
point it’s it’s it was like no way to turn it off
i learned how to type fast
from typing in like irc when we’re playing
quake and playing you know quain
quake to learn how to type fast
because you know you you’re typing like in
real time and having a conversations in real time right
you know eventually that’s just
gonna be straight
speech to text
yeah or just
to straight speech
but the problem is
change speech
and everybody will be talking over but everybody else
i mean like
xbox live that’s how it is you sit there with like
thirty people people like
mom will kill that bitch
it’s like it’s
great it’s like
a party chat
with a bunch of retard
well that’s how it is
you know quake
quake is not like that quake
at least quake
maybe the new
ones will be like that but they don’t have a
voice over i
think one of the reasons is because it
would it would eat
up more bandwidth and it probably make the game slower
doesn’t make the game slower
well back then that would
think so but nowadays you have
twenty megapites
rented up your ups
your ups two
megabytes to
have to that’s
still way more than
yeah but it
quake every goddamn
millisecond
a ping counts
voices like one
twenty eight
this is geek talk
ladies and gentlemen
is that a game with
these bitches
talking about
yeah like a lot of people and like well
some games are like
thirty people in a room
and you can talk to each
other yeah yeah well whoever’s on your team
right with everybody talks
brian do you play xbox live
i don’t play xbox live i used to have a real problem
quick i used to play
quick like eight
hours a day
so i’ve been um
i played quake two i
started on quake two but i actually like
quake one better
but then nobody was playing
quake one and then
we played quake
three with quake
three came out that was the that was probably
the most fun one to play
that was the hey day
the quake three
cause quake
three was like more complicated
graphically
look cooler it was a combination of one and two
those those fucking games are so goddamn addictive
because you’re playing live
you log on if you
never play quake before you log on
you you know you have all your
settings and your computer for like you know your mouse
speed and all this jazz get comfortable with it
then you log on and you jump into a fucking
three dimensional world
where you have earphones okay and in
these earphones you hear
sounds to the right
that means someone’s to your
right dudes are
shooting at you rocket launchers and fucking
lightning guns
and it’s a dark fucking
hallway you’re
running down and dudes are hiding and they’re fucking
blasting you
it’s fun as fuck
it’s so fun see i’m so surprised that you’re
not you’re into that but you’re not into something like
modern warfare 2
oh it’s not that i
wouldn’t be into it i
would love to do it
the problem is i don’t want to get addicted to anything
yeah i had a real problem getting
addicted to quake
wait sure it’s incredible
and that’s something
you like even though you get addicted to it
yeah you probably get addicted
but it’s so
amazing i don’t
have any time man i don’t want to do that that’s
my games was quaking
really is it
a game system or was it yes
no it’s for your pc
for your pc yeah you um
you know you know it’s just
you have a real good graphics card on
a play it with all the
all the fancy shit on all the lights
but you can play it in a decent
where it would look decent
you know if your computer wasn’t as good
but if you had a good computer and a good video card
oh my god it’s staggering
in high resolution you have dudes
would explode
you rail gun them and
their body explodes
and a spray of
blood is fucking
spectacular
lightning bolts are flying through the air
and the the
shadows the fucking
lightning bolts create
shadows in the walls and shit yep
that mad modern
warfare 2 you’re in something that really looks exactly
exactly like lax yeah you’re sitting there just fucking
clowning people down and there’s just
crazy i mean
you’re fucking at a starbucks is this
fucking little mugs that you can
break into see i
would rather be a
space station or xbox it’s a pc xbox
i think it’s vibrating
everything the
thing the thing i like
about quake is it
doesn’t even seem remotely real
you know you’re rocket launching you
could rocket jump
you take your rocket launcher
right and you pull it at the ground
and jump at the same time you go flying through the air
that’s my favorite shit to do
that was my favorite
shit to do is to go rocket i rocket
jump the fuck i just it was so much fun did you do halo
no i played halo for a little bit but
again i don’t
wanna get addicted
today i never got too much in a halo it’s alright but
modern warfare two is just fucking
you can’t beat
this guy says call of duty is way too slow
that’s what i like
about quake it’s
so goddamn fast it’s nothing like real physics too slow
when you’re walking down the hallway
you know how
you’re running out if you’re running down a hallway
would be like this
what quake it’s like
you’re flying
you sorry cat get up
you you can fucking run i mean you
could fly through
the air man dude you’re flying and jumping left and
right and say to me that’s just like
twitch gaming it’s just like
yeah the fuck’s
going on fucking fun man it’s fun
yeah i like i like it realistic i like it you’re
going into this
world like you’re
going into avatar
world and then you’re just you
think you’re playing through this lax
right and then
i come in with my rocket launcher and fuck you
right in the ass
your game is stupid
a dude from quake
there would be no competition if you fought a dude from
modern duty call of warfare whatever the fuck you’re
watching whatever games you are
you can take a quick
space marine
and have a fight with these dudes
the space we
need to take a couple shots bro
they have like a hundred and fifty
you know life points
you can’t just kill him with one bullet
and he’s gonna rocket launch you in the fucking head
and you’re gonna explode
that game is dumb
the quake games more fun
they’re more durable
they have more abilities their weapons are way crazier
the physics are like they’re not even
on this planet it’s like they’re running across the
moon you’re talking
about an old
school gaming
that’s so outdated right now
how dare you
how dare you say it’s outdated
quake will never die how dare you
quake will never die
quake four is not outdated
graphically that’s not outdated oh yeah compared to
today’s games
is it really quake
four oh it’s way outdated
today’s game
john carmack
my brother please i’m sorry
forgive him
for he knows not what he says
no i mean graphic wise really
way i don’t know you you could be
right i was watching the
aliens and predator demo that they showed the last ufc
was sponsored by aliens and predators
the video game
holy shit that looks good yeah but see even that’s like
not considered
not top of the show no
god damn the graphics are incredible yeah
i remember when
used to like when anybody used to be able to tell
what was the
most advanced shit you know like i’m saying like
an amateur doesn’t really know what’s
going on you’d see something be like oh that’s
definitely the newest
clearly but now the
levels of it it’s
it’s too advanced where like
like i’m not an
expert but i’m not like somebody who’s
never seen video games
i can’t tell at all
the differences
i can’t tell
like i’ll see something like that looks amazing yeah
like that’s oh fives
like really
yeah the ufc
game that we were
turning into a parent
they do this
you become i’m not letting go of my child
child in me i got to make sure i’m up with all the shit
when we um went to work for the ufc
uh on the video game
when they showed us the video game the
first time they showed us the video game was
chuckleddell versus rampage
and for one second
i looked at it i want i don’t remember this footage
like i thought it was a fight
for once one second i thought it was a fight
oh my god never seen a fight from this angle
i was thinking that to myself
and then when oh shit this is the game
and then once they
start moving i mean you can pretty much tell it’s
video game but
it’s it was so much better than i expected it to be
right and that was couple years ago right
yeah they’re gonna be it they’re
gonna have some shit that looks just like like a cgi
movie you know some of the
games almost really look real
like it’s incredible
what is like what
right now is the newest most amazing shit
mass effect two is pretty
badass but uh
is that like a
fighting that’s like a role playing type
fighting game but
um the one for ps three that just came out uncharted to
drake’s fortune that is like watching
being in a movie
pretty much really now
if you look at like avatar
what they did with avatar is they took the
actors and the actors made all the faces and then they
put it through a computer and then created
these blue people
they’re probably
gonna start doing it with
video games they
already do that with
video they did it
most video games
no but not like the way they’re doing it without
not to the probably the
level that maybe avatar
did but some
of the games they map out the facial features
and everything just
started from
started i think from
video game i just play the
tiger was golf
ten ten but that’s
gonna be greetable
yeah like when they
cut to like
the him like his face yeah and then they make they like
like if he has a bad like if you
have a bad shot then he goes like they have his voice
layered into it obviously
right so he actually makes a face goes like tiger
yeah you like oh god
like it looks like the dude
right there
freaks you out
like you see the
sweat dripping off of them and
everything i feel
bad for that dude there’s
very few people that i feel bad for in public sandals
that are outside of like death
very few people
i feel bad for him because i
think the dude
got drowned on
he got poured on
more than any guy in the history of the free
world so many
white shooting
that want him out of golf
because he’s just destroying the
sport because he’s pretty much just
you can’t beat
tiger you know
so there’s so
many people that are attacking he knows that
he’s got so much
money he’s at home fucking washing his face with
money and pussy
so you know he’s not at home
right now he’s in a sex addiction
oh he’s out of that
when did he get out of that
two days ago
so you don’t
think that that was like painful damn
to have this all all the
people hating on
i don’t think so i i mean
sure i think it’s gonna
this whole life was
based on his image
his image was also they sold it to
giant corporations it was so
squeaky i think i
think the main
thing he’s mad
about is his
wife finding out and all that
stuff like that but i
think if you got in
trouble or if you
got all this attention for something as being a pimp
i don’t think you’re
gonna be like oh damn i
slept with a
bunch of people now everybody knows
that sucks for my wife i think i
think it was very painful i
think you’re
wrong i think i
think you’re very much
idealizing and not putting a
human being in that situation
you put a human being in that situation no
no i mean it sure it sucks but i mean dude
he’s never had any negative he’s
gonna come back
from this so fast it’s
gonna be yeah
he’ll definitely jump out you
know golf wants him back more than anything all
right he’s the best
thing for golf though
yeah well i
think i think he is to a
point but i don’t
every he wins everything
but i say i
win everything he
doesn’t mean he’s the best golfer ever but there’s
there’s got
no idea golfer
golf needs in the
crazy there he’s a
superstar i don’t know anything
about golf tell me this does he lose i
mean what percentage of
everything does
he win but he
using kills
he’s he’s he plays his best at the highest
stake turn but he he does
phenomenal i don’t know the
exact numbers
but like he lose
though he lose
right but he’s the most he wins more than any
he win way more than he ever loses yeah
but i mean he wins more than he loses way
more really way more
i don’t know the
exact numbers
he loses tournaments all the time though he
doesn’t win
yeah but he wins way more
well even in pool
even in pool
the very best guys don’t always win
you know in pool especially
pools tricky
like they play like race to ten race to eleven
like to find out like
which guys better
you really have to play like a race to a hundred
you know it’s like then then the
stronger player
their their definite
strengths will will overcome like whenever you see like
like real good guys
match up they
match up for a lot of
money this is a
website called the action report dot com i love
watching guys gamble on pool
so one of my favorite
things to watch cause
cause i grew up playing pool
so watching
these guys in the action port dot com they’ll set
these dudes up
and they’ll play for like two or three days
and they have like a race to a hundred
and they’ll you know they’ll bet like
twenty thousand dollars
and you know for
these dudes that’s a lot of fucking money man
and they play it out and it’s it’s very
exciting man
if you like pool
but if you don’t like pool it’s deaf
what is the yeah
what is the what is the site
called it’s
called the action report theactionreport com
you guys have
a gambling on pool
super cool guys too
they banked all
their money into
putting together matches
and they they it’s all
legal because it’s really like a two man tournament
no you call it gambling when it’s not
they’ve set up it’s
a tournament it’s just a tournament with two guys in it
and they put
their entry fee in
and they play for the interview what
did they do from
different places
different pool halls different you know different
places 20 000 yeah
and they section it as a tournament you know
and you know that way it’s it’s all totally
legal like you can play pool in tournaments
everybody puts in you know a hundred
bucks five hundred
bucks whatever the
entry fee is
they pull all that
money together and they give it to the winner
i mean it really
is a form of it’s just like gambling you know
i mean just
you have to
report that
money i have
friends that make a living doing that max everly
who makes a living playing in pool tournaments you know
max everly just won
three thousand dollars playing up in san francisco
is playing a big one in
la this weekend
this is gotta be boring as fuck for people
johnny boy 05 10 says
tiger banged those chicks for one reason he could
definitely i definitely think that’s the case
i mean i think the
truth is most people
that look like that dude
that grew up the way that guy did
and that lived in that guy situation
would probably
just as nuts as he is
and probably
fuck just as many of the girls that he fucked
probably you
would go crazy
he’s an amazing athlete
right an amazing game
player amazing at golf amazing
right a very intricate difficult complicated game
if he’s obsessed with
things like that
for sure if
that guy is that good that he’s better than all
these other people that are obsessed with the game too
for sure that guy’s nuts
you know you almost have to be
to be that good at something you have to have a level
of concentration you have to have a
level of obsession
that for sure is
gonna bleed over into
other areas
of your life into your relationships you know
of a guy who’s a fanatic
who’s obsessed with working out
might also be obsessed with fucking
you know or
might i also be obsessed with gambling
you know i mean a lot of pro athletes
have like big big gambling problems a lot of them
and it’s the same
thing it’s that obsession with competition
you know the trying to win trying to get it you know
that that same mindset
transfers over to everything
transfers over to
how you approach arguments you know how how you how you
learn you know whether or not you
you know you’re honest with yourself
guys he’s gotta be nuts
anybody who’s the best
at whatever thing
i think is nuts too and to
i mean not a bad nuts
not like we’re criticizing people for being amazing
we’re just saying that almost everybody who’s like
you know you get to like like
you know the highest
levels of any
sport there’s something
about those dudes like
okay here’s a perfect example
the everybody
thinks the best
heavyweight
is this guy this russian guy fatal or a million income
and what he’s most
known for and
you know you
talk to a lot of people they’ll say he’s the best
pound for pound
fighter in the
world i think it’s probably anderson
silva but i
could see the argument for it being him
i think gsp
and bj penn
or more likely because i
think they’re facing
well it’s a
tough argument you know he
doesn’t have the best competition
over there because he’s kind of in a situation
where the best guys are
fighting in the ufc
so the guys that he’s
fighting they’re not really totally on his
level or they used to be and now they’ve
slid off a little bit but he’s
known for this insane mindset
he’s known for his
uh his ability to just like overcome anything and be
super calm like
while he’s doing it
you know that like he’s in the in this like zone
it is no it
doesn’t make any facial expressions you know nothing
yeah you think
do you think
he is the best though or no
uh he’s one of the best
for sure but there’s something
about that the ability to go to war
with somebody with like a dead face like dead calm like
for sure there’s a discipline
to it and for sure it’s something that he’s
learned over time
but also he might be
crazy as fuck
how about that how
about he he
might be fucking crazy
you know i mean he
might be so
smart and so into
you know winning and and and beating dudes at
fighting and so
capable of crossing
boundaries that
others aren’t willing to
cross that he
might just be insane
that must might be why he
doesn’t even get angry
while he’s doing
it he beats the fuck out of everybody and then he’s
super sweet
it draws like cartoons for his
daughters and shit
yeah you know i think that
probably the
most the most vicious guys in business to have the same
mentality like the guys that
take over companies and like you know
like they have like
whoever probably
runs google is probably like somebody who’s
obsessive and
and has like a killed
mentality well
definitely ceos for corporations oh yeah
they’re like hitmen
you see that new show what a
great idea for
a show by the way we take ceos of big companies
and then they go
undercover and
work for the company like that guy from hooters
is going to be
like go to all
these restaurants and act like he’s a fry cook
and he’s gonna work
just gonna check out
everything and whoa and
dude it’s awesome
undercover show yeah
it’s where they take the ceo of real companies and they
put them in
the company
undercover boss
yeah and a good boss
that’s hilarious what a
great idea it was
great that first episode was like
waste management the biggest
waste management company ever is called wm or
waste management
waste management
and he went down he was like
shoveling shit out of fucking
trolley or shit
and did they know that he was that
guy no no i did
and then he came back and all the guys
were great work
stuff the game
raises gave him
promotions and
fixed everything they were
bitching about
they actually trying to figure out what’s
what’s it called
undercover boss it’s on cbs on
sunday yeah what a
great idea was really good actually
that’s what really what what’s
wrong with people man
what really
wrong with like
harshness and and and people being insensitive to
other people
people that
work for them is that they don’t have to live a day in
their lives
you know you don’t have to if you did
you would you
would be you
know much kinder you know it’s so easy to look at like
people that are like
starving in foreign countries
and all the fucking
crazy shit that’s going on
liberia and all
these different parts of the
world that are in
constant chaos and turmoil and
starvation and
you don’t you don’t feel it because it
doesn’t affect you
cause on a day to day basis
doesn’t affect you
but if you had to go over there and live like that
just for one week
live like they
lived my god
you know we
would realize i can’t wait to see this hooters
one because i
guess it’s just like a
bunch of managers
totally like
making the chicks do a
bunch of shit they’re not supposed to do and
stuff like i
heard it’s bad
yeah like sexual shit will know
about by the
trailer the guy goes
the managers
like y’all want to go home
early today up
tall as a little
hooters girls
and they’re
like yeah he’s like you have to play my reindeer games
and then he’s making them eat out of
plates with no hands like a beans
so they like pigs eating out of a
trough just so
the company
is watching
he’s playing he’s playing undercover
he’s a fucking bus boy or something oh my god
it’s so great yeah he’s like managers of real pig
wow that’s amazing
the rest that’s
gonna be amazing
yeah there’s some douchebags out there oh my god
there’s could
you imagine like why
would you want to work a
place like that
doesn’t want to work in a
place like that if you’re something well
unless it’s a good job you know if you’re like a
bar manager type dude and they offer you a good job
order i don’t know what hooters pay so
maybe they pay really well
but you know
that’s a that’s a
weird place to go into in the first
place it’s like you want to go to
strip club but not really
and you know you
might be with your
girlfriend and she’ll come on we’re
going to be fun you want to
have you heard that
obsession of chicken at the same time you
chase on hollywood
and highlands and you
sports club is open
when all the girls are
dressed up as
like school girls no
yes they’re all
dressed up a
school girl did you tell us about this
i feel like
somebody told
mario told me
this here’s the
thing man even if you like
even if the idea of that is like cool to you
and you go if you go somewhere like that you’re
gonna be like i feel like an asshole
yeah i mean like having at a bar where they’re
dressed as schoolgirls you’re not gonna feel
right cool about that
right i had an idea once for a pizza place
called pizza sluts worth
all pizza delivered by girls in bikinis pizza slut
pizza sluts
yeah i wanted to put it on
sunset and have like super hot chicks
you pay them like fifty dollars an hour
and they walk
around and you know and tips and then they get tips
and they walk around bikini serving pizza
that’s all crazy
you should do that
listens out there you can have
whoever wants it
just let me have a free
piece of pizza and it’s all yours
no man i get nervous
i don’t want to open up any kind of business
people come up to me with business ideas and like just
stop part right now
script ideas all the time
remember that one dude that’s like a usc
script you know it’s a
yeah they get
mad if i won’t read it and i go listen man i don’t
have the time to read ninety pages of your shit i’m not
an agent and i’m not acting so i’m not
gonna read it
they get mad give me
a chance man somebody give you a chance like whoa dude
you’re asking for an hour and a half of my time it’s
gonna take me ninety minutes
to read this
stupid thing
and i don’t even know you and i want to act
so what the fuck is the
point of this
everybody wants someone else
to help them everybody wants someone else to get you
know get them in the
in the door in hollywood the
crazy thing is i’m not even in the door in hollywood
i barely exist in this world
i i do the commentary
for the ufc
which is totally outside of hollywood
that’s sports
i’m a fucking
sports broadcaster
you know and then
stand up comedy
both of them are totally outside
so how am i
gonna help you get a
movie started
what am i doing you know
when was last time i i act in that
kevin james
thing that’s the only
movie i’ve ever i did two
other movies
and no one ever saw them
one of them i don’t
think it ever came out
well maybe came out like five years
after we did it was terrible
it’s called
venus in vegas
and another one
forget with it
frank but klusky see i
it was a it
could have been really funny but
the the ceos
or whoever the fuck they were the
the producers
these the dude i remember this dude in cufflinks
his fat rolex like this beautiful
expensive watch and this
really sweet
cufflinks and he had
what are those straps
fuck are those
things called suspenders
had suspenders on
and this kid who is the the lead of the
movie is doing the scene
and this guy’s telling
don’t do like that do it like this like
hey what are you guys doing
he is giving line readings
this dude was giving line readings
to this kid this really
funny comedian who was the lead in the
movie i was like wow this
thing is going to go
right in the toilet
so it was basically like
all these people put all this
money up to make this movie
and then they wanted to have a say in it
because the kid
who is the the lead in it was not that big of a name
right and they just fucked it up man
it’s fascinating to
watch shit like that that’s what makes you like really
appreciate comedy
you know that nobody can fuck our shit up you just
you write it you grow up you do it’s yours
you know i can tell you do it this way
don’t you appreciate that
of course i
do that though
you get good
well you you have to work
those sometimes was that
what you said
what’s that called
where is it
pennsylvania
pennsylvania yeah
it’s a they go
like they like don’t curse
and then you like what’s the
place called
juniors juniors
and what part of pennsylvania erie
erie juniors
and erie they go no
swearing no
swearing they go don’t
like whatever is a
clean show you like all
right and then like
in case you forgot six more times before you get up
hey man don’t forget and you’re like no i
heard you the
first five times
and then like
after the show they’re like
but didn’t you suggest
something like didn’t you did you make a joke about
like tits or something you’re like no
like somebody said you did
you’re like no i
think i said something
about like my i said
i looked like i have a breast or something
and they’re like oh
okay well you know just
try not to lean so like don’t even like
to say something
suggestive or
could be perceived as
you know and you get a speech
about it and you’re like
wow for how much
i get like a hundred thousand for like four
damn man that’s awesome
for not a lot how
about how crazy is that is that
they hire comics and want them to well i guess
as long as the
comic like does that normally
as long as like you advertise
yourself as
doing a squeaky
clean show then i can
understand that well you just
they hired this guy to they hire you
under those circumstances or
under that they hired agreement
asking can he do can he be clean
okay so you took the gig i
took the game
i took the game
still sucks
it still wasn’t
there was a
place that i do when i was
starting out in boston
when i do twenty minutes and i had to be squeaky
clean i found was
interesting
it was interesting
but i was like i’m not really
accurately representing myself i feel like
oh yeah yeah and it’s not and here’s the
thing i took it for work
to get the work
right but it
the whole week
at no part is that fun like it’s not fun to do
not because
you can’t say a word you want to say but because
someone told you like
restrict yourself censor yourself like you
just feel like and they’re
watching you yeah
the whole deal
about comedy is that comedy
is good the
best comedy
comes from like
the loosest mind when you lose you’re not
worried about shit you’re not feeling
you know you know
you know thinking that you have to you know
watch your step because someone’s
watching you and can’t say certain
things that’s a fucking disaster yeah
and i asked the
the guy who runs it i go what does
that do you ever like have to fire somebody
and he was like oh yeah
because i was like this
has to backfire
because they’re really
strict about it
and they hired you know the he’s a
comic the black
comic who’s on
this last season of curvier enthusiasm
you know talking
about yeah yeah you know his name
hilarious yeah really funny guy
you know his name
really funny guy
well he they
hired him and they told him he was like yeah yeah yeah
and then he
got up there according to the manager the club was like
so then i said this
motherfucker like what the fuck like just
that’s like
like a hundred fucks in the
first ten minutes
and they got
stage and they’re like what the fuck man
the gosh and he was like he’s like that’s awful
and they’re like you
gotta go just fire him like go home that’s
all right just like what’s his name
god he’s really fucking
great he lived with
larry remember
i haven’t watched that show
he was also
he’s in puti tang
yeah what is the if you look at puti
tang will probably be what is
the show kirby yeah
um so yeah he is kind of like a
it’s like a stage name
right like it’s a fuck it’s not his real name remember
they’re all the same to me
how dare you that’s terrible how dare you that’s not
funny right you’re an asshole
you’re an asshole
um well they only show the the top five
i stopped watching a while ago i don’t know why
you hear that
dude died from the ice fishing show yeah in a
stroke will you go to
yeah
and i want bd
and then do
do pooty tang
captain phil harris
that sucks yeah
and all right if you go down
that’s pretty smooth
jb smooth that is hilarious yeah jb
smooth i work with that dude when i was living in
in new york oh really yeah he was hilarious he’s
funny we did i got a funny story
about him we did a college together once and
this is when
i was um i was dating this chick
and she’s like to complain a lot
and it would really get on my nerves and i would
bring her to gigs with me sometimes
and she would like
complain like as we’re driving out there and i was just
i get in a shitty
frame of mind
so we get to the this this college it’s in the
middle of nowhere it’s really hard to get to new jersey
i’m listening
this chick complaining like i’m like you know
you got to be positive like when you’re negative around
me all the time it makes me negative and it’s not
funny on stage yeah
you know i’m
sorry you know that i’m just expressing myself
it’s just so
annoying so we sit down
and they go well the opening act jb
smooth is lost
so we’re gonna we’re
gonna wait till he gets here so once you sit down just
watch tv for a while
okay okay cool
so i sit down i
watch this fucking documentary on the malibu fires
and there’s all
these people
and there’s
these fucking kids and the kids are looking for
their dog and they’re walking around
these burnt down
buildings there’s like
skeletons of buildings
they’re like
rosco rosco
they’re yelling out for their dog
and this guy
is fucking crying
his eyes out this guy work for the fire department
cause he was talking
about how everything he ever had in his
world all his life he worked towards
building this
house like this was a dream
it took him you know
twenty years to
build it he
build it by hand him and his brother
and now it’s done it’s just
wrecked it’s gone
everything’s
black and charred
everywhere you look moscow
where are you
and i’m bombed out
well jb smooth obviously is not
gonna come here so we’re just gonna
start the show now and you just you’ll go out
and i guess if he gets here
he’ll go after you
i go okay okay okay
i didn’t know
back then do you can’t
watch shit like that and just go on
stage i would
prepare myself
like like now if i was
watching something on
stage and it was
starting to buy me a dollar
i would have to get out of the room
i’m like i’m not gonna
put my mind in this frame
you know where
these people are
their dog burped to
death and they
lost all their possessions
their whole life’s dream is
grown man in his 50s with a mustache as weeping
and then i went right on
stage and just ate dick
i wasn’t even a little funny
there was nothing that i
could have possibly said that was funny
i just didn’t
think anything was funny
i i had a two hour
uh drive with a chick
bitching at me
then i watch
twenty minutes of people crying
cause their
house is gone
and then i go on
stage it was just
death but jb
smooth went on right
after me and destroyed
destroyed there was like such a
stench in the room for my performance
it was so flat and so
inspired and i was so i so didn’t want
and the people that paid to see me
they were so bummed out because they had like told
their friends how
funny i was
because they saw me at naka
there was a naka convention this is like this
association of college
campus activities
thing where you
you know you perform
and then they
would send you out to all
these different
colleges all across the country was really good money
and well i had done the
the conference and i killed i fucking destroyed
and so i got all
these colleges for it and this was one of
those colleges
and these people like well you really killed it naka
yeah i killed it i fucked
sorry i fucked up
was disastrous
but jb smooth went on
after me just
about here to comedy
i’m not think he’s in new york
dude is so funny
got some of the best facial expressions ever
rogan that ice
shit was hilarious by the way oh
i think it’s got
taken on its own little
thing ridiculous and
it how funny is
that about this was that dad
there was a fight
aired on spike tv
where this dude had
a bag of ice on the dude’s head in between the corner
and the bag broke
and ice went everywhere
and i’m like oh
g we got a problem like look at this is ice everywhere
and these guys
start picking up the ice but they’re
stumbling and
dropping the bucket and i start i
start doing like play by play i’m like it’s a goddamn
three stooges look
at these guys
and apparently
you know we’re just
killing time while they
clean up ice
basically i’m like let me just
entertain whether
clean up ice let me just make fun of this
and now it’s like this youtube clip it’s all over the
place really it’s great
what sucks of being in the audience you can’t hear you
right so i had no idea any of this was going on
right so that’s just
sucks you know what next time i’m
gonna get you guys
those things yeah
yeah tell me so much you guys
those things yeah i don’t know how
those things work
maybe you can you’ll probably
figure out a way to improve it oh yeah this is good
here’s the problem
wi fi america yeah
yeah well there is a wi fi that’s available
in the he’s like headphones
in the arena
yes there is it’s an ear
thing like a little like a
sort of like an ipod
and you sit there and you can listen to the commentary
while it was all
going on that
would be better than yeah
they kind of
streaming it
would be so much better if it was on i heard that
spilled bag of ice is talking shit on the internet
heard you talk a lot of shit on twitter
and ain’t cool bro
that’s not professional okay
yeah it’s got some
so yeah he’s got a
spill bag of ice
is a twitter
page has got like five hundred followers already
it’s hilarious
you should follow
brian because red band
is trying to bump up his count
and he’s very upset
that more people aren’t
what are you up to him
uh like eleven hundred damn dude you’re way more
what are you at
like four something twitter
so hard to get people well yeah follow tom segura
ladies and gentlemen
this name down here i
point to come on
where is that thing
can you see
yeah i like that
is a serious
delay here yeah up more
anyway i’m got it please
uh ice is commentary
at ufc one night with me yeah how
funny is that that became such a big deal
pants on the floor
i saw that’s one thing that
um that does come in handy being a comedian and being
a commentator at the same time when something fucks up
i can at least make fun of it
you do that a lot you should do it more it’s this some
well it’s not appropriate you know i only do it
where it’s appropriate my job is to
to represent what’s
going on my job is to represent what’s
going on in the fighting it’s not my job to like
stick my personality into that
you know when it’s appropriate
then i do it
but you can’t
look for like you ever
watch when dennis miller did the monday
night football yes
and he would like throw jokes in a lot
right jokes
that will be
funny as if your conversations with mike were
kind of like you scripted
yeah i know
that you do it already sometimes like when mike
will say something you call him out on it but you know
but if you just
kind of did that more because sometimes he says some
yeah i sometimes i have to let it go though i have to
because like we’re in the middle of moving something
along someone’s getting
into the octagon you know the fight is
about to take place
i don’t wanna
i like that side talk that you guys yeah
i do too but we
gotta do it
you know what it’s best when the
fights are boring
when you have a boring
fight then you can
start talking shit
right you know and you can be like
this isn’t the most
exciting fight i’ve ever seen in my life like i’ll say
things like that you know
on occasion if it’s
a boring one
do you find
yourself also trying to find up like new sayings to say
cause you always
have to say seems like yeah
he has a heart of gold or something like that
also just country music song
he has the heart of gold
he is the spirit of a
tiger i mean do you have a heart of
love there you have a bunch of animals no
i say the heart of a lion because it’s a genuine
expression right
you start making expressions up
as a warrior spirit of the nation
you should do that no
man nobody wants to hear that
that’s not me though
but there is a dude that’s michael
chevello the guy that does
dream he does all the commentary for
dream and he does k1
he’s really hilarious because he’ll he’ll like
make stuff up but it’s really funny coming for him
like when this guy was throwing hooks goes
more hooks than a pirate’s convention
like he said
like that that’s great but it’s funny the thing
about dennis miller was that his were obscure yeah
i was like the
style that whole
style of comedy that
whole style like i know much more than you do and
you know you’re
gonna pretend
that you know as much as i do you’re you’re in the
you’re on the inside so you’re
gonna laugh at the joke
right exactly
then if it’s not even a joke just a
reference do you hear
brian’s example of
a specific one though
it’s like the constitution page two
that was his idea being obscure
yeah page two
constitution
not a line from it page two
it’s really
funny if you think
about how how
few people really
understand or have written
read the constitution i’ve
never read it have you ever read
ha i think i
might have i
never read the constitution yeah i
think you had your back you could
yeah maybe like do
you remember any of it i mean do you remember anything
about i remember
freedom of speech
i remember you’re supposed to be allowed to have
guns and you’re allowed to take up arms
against the government is not
legal something like that not like
second amendment
bill rights
it’s really kind of
crazy if you stop to think
about like how the
structure of our country though the whole
structure of our country is
made up in a
way that very few people have even looked into
yeah you talk
about it’s unconstitutional but
you know how many people have ever even read that shit
it’s gotta be like a minuscule
percentage and it’s so
crazy that we
stick with these laws
that were invented
like so many
hundred years ago
like why haven’t we come up with a better way
why haven’t we refined it
and made it
better just for the people like we hear like
new rulings like this
recent ruling that the supreme
court had where
they said that corporations can
spend as much
money as they want
on campaigns now
they’re just like an
individual they could
spend as much as they want that’s an insane
idea why would you
think that that
would be good for the
individual why
would you think that
would be good for
human beings in general
that’s only
gonna be good for the corporation of course you’re
gonna spend millions of dollars
cause the politician
who’s gonna get into office is
gonna do shit that he
doesn’t really
wanna do but you
asked him to do
which is why you got him in there in the
first place
you know hey i mean
nobody gets into office that isn’t playing the game
i mean it’s pretty obvious now you have to with obama
and obama’s a
smart fucking guy man
you know i saw him that
thing that he was doing
where the republicans
were questioning on shit and saying a
bunch of nonsense and he was just
correcting them left and
right and made them all look
stupid and did it without a teleprompter
and was calm as fuck
under pressure
and you watch that
kind of go god if this guy can’t even change anything
change anything
and everybody’s like bums public
obama’s public
maybe maybe or
it might be that he can’t fucking change anything
it might be that you the president is
yeah it’s just he is a
puppy yeah that’s the
whole point
the president
it might be that the president really is i mean
i think like jfk
tried to treat
the presidency as if he was like really the president
you know but i think bush
very obviously
accepted the position of the
spokesperson
very obviously
wasn’t paying attention
right very obviously
you know would make like critical mistakes
about shit the way he promoted
things and the way he
spoke about
things when he was you know
when he was off
script and he was a fucking dance
and then you had
cheney who was always hiding in the bunker
and his fucking
evil billionaire ceo character who was actively
making money
off the war
actively profiting
i mean that’s some incredible shit
and then when the company that he used to be the ceo of
then becomes the fucking company
that’s contracted to go to iraq and fix everything
jesus christ
and everybody goes
well that’s because you
know there’s the only company that’s qualified like oh
so what so what
so what fire up a new company that’s
crazy the guy can’t make
money as the
vice president from fucking war
and then obama comes in the office and you
gotta go like well
you know it’s like he ain’t fixing shit
you know what is what is he
changing sending
thirty thousand more people to afghanistan
you know i mean this
whole economic stimulus
when i hear them talk
about that i feel i feel angry
i feel like i’m getting fucked
right now and i don’t know i’m getting fucked
like the way they’re talking
about this and the
money that gets
unaffected the goldman sachs ceo
just got you
know some insanely
large bonus
it was reported online it
was 100 million dollars or something like that it was
some insane
bonus because they made so much money in
2009 they like
the record year
it’s incredible it’s all incredible
it’s all incredible
the whole idea that
you know that they
buy out all
these fucking banks
cause the banks are too big to fail and
where is all the money
going it’s all numbers
it’s all ones and zeros what the fuck is happening and
where’s it going
it’s all nuts like the whole
system is so chaotic
a system of finance that’s
based mostly on confidence
that’s a big part of it
you know cause for the longest time we didn’t have shit
we weren’t producing shit
but everybody was like confident that real estate
prices are gonna keep
going up so they keep buying them
and selling them to keep making
money so everybody’s confident
and meanwhile in the middle of all of it nothing is
going on there’s just
ones and zeros moving back
and forth we don’t even know what the fuck is happening
and it runs our
whole life you know
when the financial
system that the runs the
world it’s like so fucking complex that
a guy like bernie maidoff can fuck them all and steal
billions and billions of dollars and nobody knew
it’s absurd that’s insane billions and he didn’t
steal like fifty
grand he stole
fifty billion
and he had that much
yeah over decades
he had that much money
going on and no one knew what
the fuck was happening and he used to be the president
i think of the
stock exchange yeah yeah
the guy who’s like
in charge of it all was either
chairman or something like yeah it was some big
weird position at the yeah
it’s incredible man it’s really amazing
yeah it really is man it’s
i mean i used to
think before the market
crashed i thought well i don’t want to
spend too much time
thinking about you know
finances and politics because
it’s so complex
to really study it appropriately
you would have to
spend many many
hours every day
delving into all the different issues that are going on
all the different areas that merit attention
it’s like god damn it it’s more than a full time job
and if you have a family
if you have kids if you have a job if you have a hobby
if you have any friends
where are you coming up with that time
where are you coming up with that time you
gonna get obsessed with politics
you know i don’t have it do you have it no
who the fuck does
that’s incredible so the system
the system that that is running our our
whole lives
is one that we barely
understand and
haven’t even researched
you’d have to
do nothing but consume information all day long
to have even
remote chance to like really follow the ins
and outs so that’s in the same bucket as math with me
if my brain just
doesn’t work like that
and mac oh do you
think by the way that like
like i vote i don’t know i
voted for obama
and so i’ve been like you know i wanted to
succeed and do well and
everything but
and i don’t
here’s how out of it i am with the politics
that i don’t know if this is factual or not but
was his campaign part of it that like he
would withdraw troops
he wasn’t sending them
yeah like just
at least at the very
least it’s the opposite what you said you were going
no i think he did withdraw
troops but i
think he just
when everyone says he sent that many
troops afghanistan
he just withdrew
him and moved him over
well everybody knew it was bullshit everybody knew
it was bullshit
thirty thousand more now
right now right
i don’t know
what i i shouldn’t say everybody knew it was bullshit
but a lot of people knew that what he really was
gonna do is pull
troops out of iraq
and put more in afghanistan
cause they were saying that we’re
under under
trooped in afghanistan for what they’re trying to do
right but you know
it’s kind of
crazy that dude wins the nobel
peace prize
and then sends
thirty thousand more people to afghanistan
right afterwards
that’s just
bizarre i mean
it’s all even like not liking
him i just it
doesn’t make
sense to me that you would
award somebody a peace
prize just on
their on their
image well you know we
gotta pay attention
like everybody’s like well you
gotta look out for
where you know
things are happening you have protect american
you know interest and
protect america from terrorism all that good
stuff but listen
the scariest
goddamn threat to america is the mexican drug cartels
they’re right next door to us you can
drive to fucking mexico man it’s
right there
and if you live in san
diego it’s a goddamn
twenty minute drive
and you’re in another country
where they’re murdering people
every fucking day of the week
way crazier
victor davila the guy who does the spanish
version of my job he does the commentary for ufc
he told me that it’s five times more people have died
last year in 2009
in juarez and all the border towns all the murders and
all the gunfire that’s
going on between the cops and the bad guys
five times more
have died than in iraq and afghanistan combined ever
that’s insane that’s insane and it’s
right there
he said it’s nuts over there he said
you have to
drive around at
night with your dome
light on so that the drug cartels
they see they don’t wonder who
you are in the car they don’t just gun your car down
just to be sure
really yeah he said it’s nuts man
people drive around with their dome
lights on so
the drug guys can see inside
whoa that’s fucking terrifying
so you’re driving around
and they let you live well let him live let him live he
doesn’t have our guys in there oh
how scary is that shit that’s
right next door man
you know and the
reason why it all happened is because drugs are illegal
that’s the reason
why it all happened is you can you you got all
these fucking people that are willing to sell drugs
cause all these people want drugs
and the people that are
selling the drugs make billions and billions of dollars
and they don’t realize it a lot of people
think that’s all
cocaine the
biggest import from mexico in the
illicit drug
world is marijuana so
it’s the fact that that’s illegal
that fuels a lot i’m saying if you made
it legal in mexico and
universally
you would you
would get rid of a lot of the violence and
things that go on because
the biggest
thing that’s being brought in is not coke
it’s marijuana so the fact that
these guys have
are doing this
because it’s illegal if they just made it legal you
would reduce violence by so much but you know what
they’re not
gonna they’re not gonna
cut down any laws they don’t
absolutely have to cut down
and if they
ease up restrictions on marijuana it’s
gonna take decades
it’s gonna be
statewide in
california first
and there’s
gonna be some contest to that and
maybe a couple
other states will
adopt it it’ll
never be national it’ll
never be federal because
they always need
those fucking people to work
they need those dea guys
those guys are
gonna make sure
that they’re in a position of
power they’re
gonna make sure
that they you know they keep a certain amount of jobs
every year and if you
close down marijuana you make marijuana legal
you make all drugs you dim
you criminalize all drugs
then you’re you’re
chopped down like more than half yeah
more than half the people in prison
today are in prison for non violent drug offenses sure
which is crazy when
you can go to cvs and get fucked up out of your mind
you go to cvs
you know and they have shelves
where they have fucking whiskey
just shelves
after just so much
whiskey you can
drink yourself to
death right
i go to cvs not to buy the cheapest
they have the
cheapest beer now
it’s crazy yeah
i mean it’s amazing that alcohol kills people
and yet we we don’t even bat an eye
at it being
right there on the corner in a in a convenience store
like hard hard shit
jack daniel’s wild
turkey and shit you know
right there
you know i mean
liquor stores
supermarkets
right there beer wine
drink yourself to death
but if they had weed people
would freak out
his fucking weed
here there is a difference when you think
about it there’s not one alcohol
where you could take one shot
and then to be out of your mind
panic attacks
might check yourself in the hospital for
you know cause you
think your heart
freaking out you know there’s
not one alcohol that will do that but yet there is weed
that you take one hit and you will
think you’re having a
especially if
you don’t smoke weed
yeah yeah there is a
glass of something you can drink
and like if you had a glass a
glass of it yeah i mean the
glass of it
eating a whole bag of weed
well that’s
the reason it the reason why
it’s good that
things are illegal is because
when things are
legal they have like really
clearly defined portions
right you know a beer you get a beards
twelve ounces whatever the hell it is you
crack it open there it is that’s a beer
if you have more
than one now you know it’s like when you have two beers
right you have two beers now be careful
you know like with weed
especially when you buy like
edibles you don’t know what you’re getting
you could get like some i’ve had a pot of lollipops
where i couldn’t even feel them
like i eat the
whole lollipop and two hours
later mike i
think i got a dud
like it was a dud
and then you’ll have a cookie
where you eat
half the cookie
and you’ll see
like cartoons fucking behind your eyelids like you
close your eyes
and you’ll see like
these animated cartoons like
wrestling and duplicating and moving
back and forth all around you and that’s how beyond
colors that’s how i felt at the last usc woo
it was a little bit too
strong i thought i was
gonna die we talked
about this before but it’s
worth talking
about cause it’s so
crazy and most people don’t know
about it when you eat marijuana
and this is very important for people who
think you know
i got two stone
you can get two
stone smoking
pot it’s totally different than getting two
stoned eating pot
getting two
stone eating pot is terrifying
because your body produces a chemical called
eleven hydroxy metabolite and when
apparently what happens is when you
smoke marijuana
this is what i read online
when you smoke marijuana
it has this
eleven hydroxy metabolite but it’s not psychoactive
but when you eat it
and it’s processed through your
liver and it goes in your
bloodstream it’s four times more potent than thc
four times more psychoactive
so that’s why you get so high eat a
brownie and you’re just like blitzkrieged like it’s
literally like higher than you can get smoking it
you know like it’s a different high too it’s like
it’s like real
it’s almost like mushrooms or something it’s really
self examining
you know real
self examinatory like you really
start like is that a word
self examinatory
sounds like a word
if it sounds like it’s a word
maybe right it should be
right that’s
freaked out
i freaked out with a cookie one time who
i was crying and
stuff like for
a long time
it was hours and
hours and hours yeah
yeah eddie had a cookie once that really
freaked him out and he
was doing this character this
it was a white rapper that puts
black face on
to be more street
and he was doing this character
and it was like the
ultimate wigger
he was like trying to
claim that he
really didn’t have makeup on but he did it was pretty
funny actually
and he ate the cookie
and got so paranoid because of this video
he started to
freak out and thought the
black people were
gonna come and get him and they were
gonna hate him he was racist
he was like like
ready to cry ha ha
and when he was talking
about he was like you know
that’s funny
oh it’s so funny how when
you get high like i got high once and i thought about
some shit i said
about steven seagal
i always like making fun of steven seagal
i was being like really mean
and i got high ones
i thought about i’m like why am i being such a dick
stevens ago
never did anything to me
like i’m being so personal
about it about my
my making fun
of him like i’m not even doing it good naturedly
you know it made me realize i was like
what if i’d met him what if he was nice
what kind of a
piece of shit
would i feel like
you know i mean
maybe he’s not nice but
maybe he is
maybe i meet him
maybe i like him
you know i mean i’ve met some people that
people thought were douchebags before and i like them
so it made me really examine
like my my instincts
just because this guy’s
famous just to shit all over him
that’s all i wanted to do i was just i just met roddy
piper he was the nicest
old man i’ve ever said
roddy piper’s a legend man
you yeah but when you see him though you’re
like who is this guy he was just like off the streets
but really yeah
nicest guy ever
well i’m still acting why isn’t
he acting i guess tv
shows and shit have you
watched the golf show
fucking awesome
it’s golf shows goddamn i don’t like it
you don’t like it no
don’t you like when he talks
black to black
people i do
i do it’s worth that little
piece what up cuz what’s
going on cause
over what you trying to do here we’re
going down we’re going down
like he will straight up patronize
he goes right to
cause what up
cause right away
these guys are handcuffed
this is gone even real
does he keep real bullets in his guns yeah i don’t even
say any zany
let him have bullets in his gun was
i’m so weird
about that show
i just to me it’s just like i’m getting i
mean i kind of
understand okay
he has real martial arts
training gotcha
he’s got real firearms
training gotcha he
would bring exposure
to your police
force okay i see
where you’re coming from
i can kind of
understand how they
would be willing to have him as a cop
but it’s strange
you know it’s like you
think the people
would be smarter
you think the people
would be like do you
think in israel they
would let some of us just
alone be a cop in israel
you think they
would let him i
could be a twelve year old and be a
what but you know i’m saying you think they
would take an actor and and i don’t know
let him do that no
yeah they might think that listen they’d be like a
movie yeah they might be able to say no joke
how about a
seagull is is
an expert in every episode
on some shit that you
never really he’s like
you know trained dogs for like 20 yeah
and then like
then he’s playing the blues you like really
you play the blues like well you know it was
funny it was my magazine
there was a spy magazine article about him
about his background about how
a guy was claiming that his background was fabricated
and that there was a dude who really worked for the cia
in southeast asia
and seagal met him and
seagal started telling this guy stories as his own
he just started doing nothing this guy’s life yeah
that’d be a great movie yeah oh yeah well
dude is completely full of shit the main
but he’s not totally
full of shit because he really is like this high
level aikido black belt
i mean ikea
is kind of a
silly martial art
but he’s really like a high
level ikea black
i do think he’s i
think that that’s
completely true and accurate
and i do believe
that he is a little out of his mind yeah well he’s
definitely out of his mind
but i mean how many people
have you ever met and show business that aren’t out of
their mind no totally
but when you become an action
superstar and i think
he kind of wanted to be
the characters in the
movies he was playing
yeah he wanted to be out for justice for real
after he did that shit
and he was like i’m
gonna go be a cop and
you know he actually i just did i’m just another
cop no you’re not
you’re fucking sick so crazy
i’ve been training
eagles to wear hats for
twenty years
i was very disappointed
i was hoping it was
gonna rock the ponytail
better be had
the ponytail kind of makes it with him and something
about him having that ponytail
it makes him look more like samurai
style you know
yeah i like that ponytail i
think you should rock that shit
i just realized what it is
about his films
the expression that he’d
never had in the film and i was always like
kind of wondering what it what he’s never
been out of breath
like you never
know me like his face was always in control
even after five like ten dudes you turn the last dude
and not be breathing
how about the one with
kelly the brock
where he was in a coma
for like years
and then he came out of coma and just
got some fucking acupuncture
did some meditating
next thing you
know he’s punching
bricks and shit and running up hills
i’m back back in
shape like he gets back in shape
after being in a coma
for years he gets back in
shape like couple days you know he’s
punching the makiwara out there in the desert and shit
doing his forums
meditating incense
it’s hilarious he’s acting
your show on the air
oh he’s genius man his
movies are even better man
his movies are goddamn classic
i ordered some
movie called the room
people have been telling me
about this movie for years
i’ve heard so many people recommend it as like the
worst movie ever
like the best
worst movie ever
my copy comes tomorrow
looking forward to
the room i saw the patton oswald
i don’t want
to see that i’m sure it’s hilarious i’ll see that
after i see it
but i don’t want to give anything away
apparently this movie is
so bad that it’s like insanity
like you watch it and you
start screaming and you like rewind is rewind
you guys want to
watch it yeah and
those watch
it next week there’s another one called richard he
yeah what are
you doing on friday doing on friday during the day yeah
do anything friday during the day
right i don’t know let’s
watch that shit let’s have a
bunch of people over and watch it
supposed to be the
worst movie of all time supposed to be genius
geniusly shitty
and brian can you order
richard heath
you guys have to see it
would you he order it
is it on dvd
i think so i’ve seen the
trailer the extension
oh you saw me the pretty
you show me the preview once i did in a laptop
was that yeah
okay yeah that’s hilarious
is that’s real that’s a full
length film
that’s funny
when are you guys
going to broadcast an hd
on justin tv
justin tv has hd
this role hard character on the road record
since they do he
doesn’t have it they don’t have it for mac
and it’s not
they don’t have it for mac i don’t
think it’s really hd either
it’s not really hd
but all these guys have better
video quality on pcs really
well why don’t we
start running from a pc let’s run boot camp
i don’t mind putting boot camp is it that big of a deal
it’s not hard
right i had it on this computer and
it was just nothing
brian hates windows
i just don’t want to put windows
on my laptop
feel like a big
fan of windows one
wrong email my shit’s all fucked i don’t mind
maybe we should get a pc just to do this
should we get a pc just to do this maybe
i might buy a computer for you faggots
how about that broadcast
what a confusing message daddy sends us
who call us all faggots
kind of a fucking show is this
brian did you have
apples weighed like when they were
first coming out were you into them then like when
we were in well i mean elementary
school i had i use them like apple one two
did you i’m saying did you like them then
i like them back then but i
never i grew up with pcs just because i was a
broke ass and i just
build my own computers and stuff like that
you build your own computers
i can still do that
and that scares you
i made a couple computers i
built a couple computers from scratch
who the fuck are you guys man well i mean i’m not
i’m not good at it i need someone to help me
along the way like my friend andrew’s
a psycho genius and he knows are he
used to make computers for a living and i
could always call him like dude i’m fucked up i didn’t
flash the bios
help me tell me what to do here you know i could get
but it’s not that hard it’s like
once you understand that a
motherboard is for a certain cpu
and you know they match
and you know how to put it on and you have all the
pieces you know
where it goes
then you know
where the memory goes then you know
where the hard
drive goes it’s not that hard and then
the hard part is getting it to boot up loading windows
and then getting all your
peripherals your keyboards all that shit to sync up at
least it used to be back in the windows
you know 95 and 98 days that was when i
started that’s when i was making computers
but i would make my own pcs
just go to fries and buy a box it
sounds really intimidating to me it’s not that hard man
it’s really not that hard it’s really
smart plugging
things yeah
because i don’t know any coding i don’t know
like when i
would like go
into the i knew like command prompts for certain
things in windows you know
i know how to ping servers and
stuff like that but there’s most shit i didn’t know
most shit was just
things that friends told me or i’d
read a book on
or something like that it’s a lot easier nowadays wait
stupid shit like jumper settings yeah it was
oh yeah there
was always and you had to have the memory and the
right slot or a wooden boot right
you know you put the memory in the
wrong slot it didn’t recognize it because they have
to start with
this one’s yeah
frequencies can it
match with the
video cards can
yeah and then if you got
crazy once you really got cocky
started overclocking your shit
you know you like well you know it says
three hundred megahertz but i
think i get up to three
fifty and not burn it out
but nowadays i just like max
yeah it’s way easier for creative work and
stuff it’s way easier but
they’re way more expensive
you know as long as you’re not
stupid really don’t
that many so
you can get a refurb
for four hundred dollars
way faster than any
right but if you
wanna get a laptop man you get a
badass fucking laptop for
twelve hundred
bucks from windows yeah from mac you get that
they get the macbook
which is like a thousand bucks and
it’s pretty good man
twelve hundred
bucks you can get a windows laptop that is blu ray
and has a one
terabyte fucking hard drive and
you know they
have more shit man that you get more bang for your buck
if you buy a windows one
more shit for your pennies
you know that
the quality is not as good i mean the thing
about max is like you get like one of those
power books like the keyboards
badass like the way it’s the form factors like really
solid like the
build qualities excellent
like sometimes you get a pc laptop
and it’s like plastic and it feels like it’s falling
apart in your hand there’s
definitely somewhat like sony’s my favorite pc made
yeah there’s
you know there’s high
end companies man
there’s high end companies that make like dope shit
alienware it’s important to have a
bunch of different options man
it’s important for you know there
would be a windows and a mac and a linux and unix and
there should be more there
should be more different
things that people can choose from and make
these motherfuckers
come out with the best shit
quickest you know yeah
absolutely look
how much better windows is now why because of max os 10
you know they they they had to
catch up they had to get come up
those cool shit
you know all the
stuff that looks cool to look at you know
i mean that’s all that is it
people think that’s nonsense
i don’t need that i just need a computer to work
that’s all fun
it’s a part of the
experience makes the experience
it gives it more flavor
you know totally
just regular computing i like the
when you go down to an application
and it bounces up and you when you loaded it goes doing
going to yeah
it’s part of
experience with
everyone yeah it’s fun you
know it’s horrible
i was using a pc the other day
and it says you know you have updates you know
click here to restart or it says restart later
you’re like no i don’t want to restart now restart
later every
three minutes that same window will
pop up like there’s no way to just say hey leave me
alone i’ll restart it when i want to it’s not a pc
yeah it’s on a pc it has
that time no
no i forgot how
annoying that used to be
it was like restart
later restart now you know
this is like come on i said restart
later a million times they’re
definitely not up to
where wind or
where mac is but i
think they’re a lot closer than they used to be
i think windows 7
is supposed
to be pretty goddamn close
this guy’s asking
about mark emory
a couple people are asking about
someone saying the mark emory
the prince of pot rj leblanc
another guy saying as a canadian i’m ashamed we’re
extraditing mark emory
it’s a black eye
he’s a dude in canada that was selling pot seeds
he was selling seeds just seeds on the internet
and seeds you know
italy no store
and sell them all over the world the united
states they want him arrested for being a drug dealer
for some seeds for salt sage
now they’re gonna charge you like
millions of dollars in traffic and
all the seeds i could have been turned into pot
could have been sold and
he’s a drug dealer for fucking seeds for a plant i mean
it is so amazing it’s so amazing that they
could pull that shit off
no i mean it’s the dumbest
thing ever that’s the whole idea
that you can have anything that doesn’t affect
other people and you can make it illegal
you can make anything illegal that doesn’t why why
how the fucking
you tell one person with a can and can’t experience
it’s pretty incredible
but yeah you can buy those this
mind boggling that this is
still going on
i would thought that with the internet and
everything that this
would all been
fixed by now
like there’s so much more access to information
there’s so much more
transparency we we know like
how everything you
know supposed to be in
place we know the real
history behind pot and
why how is it still here
how’s that still
going on tom
fix that um
do it tom fix it bitch
do it right now
nothing fix anything top score
got out it’s
crazy it’s like constitution page two page two
two thousand and ten
it’s like when when are we
not gonna have bad words when are we not
gonna have ridiculous laws
you can’t for sure
you can’t just go and make drugs legal
that that can’t happen
because then people
gonna sell the drugs
everywhere there’s one thing that’s good
about drugs being illegal the only thing that’s good
about it is that it’s hard for
those people to move around
like when you’re talking about like heroin
and math and shit like that
it’s hard for them to sneak around and sell that shit
like if you
watch that documentary this documentary on um
on oxycontin
called the oxycontin express
it’s about florida
where they have
no database in florida so anybody can just
get a doctor’s prescription and go to
these health management clinics and you get
some oxycontin
you can go like a mile
down the road to another one get some more another one
yeah they don’t have a database connecting all
these patients together
so all these people have problems with oxycontins
and they have like
it’s a one stop shop they have the doctor and the
pharmacy right there in the place
so you go in
you see the doctor
the doctor gives you a prescription
you go right next door you get some heroin
i mean it’s fucking
nuts man you know what’s amazing is that with weed
is that obviously
the reason when
reason anything
exist is because it generates
cash flow you know people make money
off of having something
legal or illegal or
why they allow something because you can make
money from it
it makes you wonder
wouldn’t they eventually make more money
with we being legal like
isn’t that something that
could be profitable
wouldn’t be profitable
for everybody the problem is you can’t control it
see if you’re selling gasoline
i mean you can’t just get gasoline man you
gotta go to the dude who is
buying it from the dude who’s pumping it i mean or the
one company that’s pumping it and refining it and then
shipping it and
it’s fucking very hard
to take control
of that i’m saying that you
know business
structure well
the problem you
would have is you
would probably have some sort of a
deal that’s very similar to what they have with farmers
right now whereas
with farmers
like say if you have like corn you buy like corn
seeds from monsanto or whatever that fucking you know
those companies are that are
you know huge
crop companies
well they own
those seeds man you can’t like extract
those seeds
from this year’s crop and then plant them
again next year
no they’ll fucking sue you if you do that right like
you’re not allowed to use
those seeds
again they lease
you those seeds
for like a season
it’s really pretty crazy like
they patent
plants and the
thing about
genetically modified
you know foods
like there’s two concerns people out there
the concern
about diseases
because like these
things are immune because either they’re not natural
you create them or what if they get diseases what if
diseases are
transmitted
with the humans or whatever
what if you know there’s
animals that eat
them and they get sick and you know you know whatever
but but that’s one concern people have but the
other concern is that someone’s
gonna own the patent to fucking plants
you genetically modify
like a type of corn or tomato or something like that
and you you get
those seeds to a certain
level you want them
you can fucking copyright
those that’s my corn yeah that’s their shit
that’s unbelievable so like if someone in another farm
down the road
like you know
maybe somehow another seeds got into
his farm and they find that
this guy is illegally growing corn with
their seeds
they can put that guy in jail
they’re fucking seeds
that how did anybody
allow that to happen
so if there were
if there was weed
would there just be too much
cross i don’t know i mean i just
think at a certain
point in time that the
monkey would be out of the cage
is if we became
legal the problem is
once we becomes
legal it’s you’re
never gonna get that
genie back in the hole
you would have to
they would have to have some massive
government campaign of propaganda and disinformation
where people were smoking weed and
jumping off cliffs
and shooting themselves in the head
they would have to do something like that
where mass chaos
is forming because the marijuana
today is too
strong and you
would have like fucking dan rather
would we talk is he
still alive
being alive
you would have one of
those dudes on tv
you know talking
about how this
mass suicides are
happening all
across the country directly linked to this new
alaskan ak 47 weed being sold in
southern california
right in tacos my brother was doing
great and just
started smoking weed and
shelter for the biggest car you could find
way to do what you
standing on
the side of the road i’m like what are you doing man
we gonna run across the highway like not yet not yet
they ran boom you couldn’t take it anymore
that’s how good the weed is
and that’s what we
would see night and day
every day they were just
until the you know the president on tv and said
obviously we’ve made a mistake
we need to pull back
we need to gather up our resources
we need to look at this intelligently
we got a situation
we made it we tried it
didn’t work out
okay we know what’s best for our country
we did make a hundred billion dollars
first yeah before but now we’re gonna pull the plug
i think the problem is that the
money would get distributed the wrong way
we live in a company
we live in a society
right now that’s controlled by a series of companies
and these gigantic corporations like oil companies and
they have they’re making so much
money doing it this way
that there’s no incentive whatsoever to change
it would have to be a moment where they knew that
we’re on peak oil place
where like literally we’re running out of
petroleum like there’s no more left in the world
there’s no way we can keep this
going and if we ever got to that
space then they would have to do something
but until they do they’re not going to change shit man
if you switch to an agriculture
based society that’s running off
corn ethanol
and you can make fuel out of hemp too man
you can make
all kinds of fuel you can make oils out of hemp
you can make plastic out of hemp you can make
like a particle
board that’s like five times
stronger than most wood
like happens
like a really
a really strong wood
it makes incredible
paper makes incredible cloth
and it’s all illegal it should
be like way
further along
with solar power isn’t that really effective and
it’s not it’s not as easy as it looks really yeah
it’s hard to extract
energy from the sun like that
very difficult i mean
they’re much more efficient at it now than they were
just a few years ago
but it’s still not
quite there
it looks i know
about it because
we were looking into it when i was living in
colorado you can’t
quite power a
house on solar
power it’s very hard
you have to have a lot of
panels and to go straight solar
it has to be
sunny a lot like
if it snows and rains for a few days you know
you ain’t getting any light
my dad had it set up he
built his own solar
collectors and put it on his
house and he just
had it just so it heated his water
and he’s gonna i
guess do it sometime in the future and have
it do something like that word
this is only
going to do this you know but but
still it’s like hey he
you know you’re here with my friend
tom did it in oregon
and he used windmills
right and he had so much
power he was
generating probably
selling back yeah come on yeah
how come more people aren’t doing that though
it’s not cheap man he was a
he was a director he was a director and he had a lot of
money and he
you know he had a like a badass farm up there
and he put it all together
that’s incredible
yeah pretty interesting i have so much problems
selling it back to the
power company
yeah yeah he was he was a smart dude
very very selfish
he was funny man
he’s one of the few men
that i’ve ever met in my life that does not like kids
had kids and does not like them
really yep i would
hate it cause i
think they’re all
adults i think
yeah i think he
started hating them around
12 he had kids he said
it ruined his
relationship said it wasn’t fun it totally changes the
whole relationship i don’t like kids
he’s got this new wife
after he divorced his wife
and you know the
kids are full row and divorced his wife got some new
chick i didn’t want to have kids
he goes and i like her just fine we get
along to it
i’m not gonna
bring in kids and fuck this up
like he’s kids just change the
whole relationship
movie director
tv director
it’s a character man
yeah they don’t
quite have it to the
point where you can be totally
self sufficient on just
solar power
but couldn’t like
let’s say even if the
isn’t i’m saying the wind
you know power
so effective that like at
least the government would
invest more in
using that like
maybe not every
individual person but they
would want to use that more
cause cheaper
i mean then cause
then over time buying
i don’t know if it works that way because i
think in order to have enough
power from windmills
to like to power your
house and keep all your shit going
you have to have pretty significant windmills
you know like you can’t have it for an
apartment building for everybody in the fucking
building that’s
gonna be using all that
power for an office
building it’s like no you need more
power than that
you’re not gonna have
windmills aren’t gonna
power a fucking office
building you know saying
that you’re
gonna need like a
whole field of windmills you know
it’s gonna be ridiculous
to the point
where it’s not economically viable i
guess they have to
they have to consider all that shit i think it
the problem is
once we have a solution
we kind of like stopped looking how that have
you know a different way to do it like
you know people go well you know we
need to figure out cars that run on anything else but
we got cars are on gas they’re pretty badass
and i really don’t really want to fuck with
cars that run
out of hydrogen i mean they only get to the
point where they have to do it
right i think i
think the future
because it seems like
right now we’re having so much
electronics that we’re
using more and more and more and more
power but i
think once the future catches up or the
technology catches up we’re
gonna have less and less
like we’re not
gonna have a
stereo and a
phone and a tv
and we’re just
gonna have one
thing that does all this shit
right perfect so i think
i think it’s
going to balance itself out
you know yeah maybe
maybe but you know i wonder like when
they have like electric cars like they have that tesla
you know that
tesla electric car
it’s interesting it
doesn’t handle that well
one of the reasons why it
doesn’t handle
that well is because there’s so much weight in the back
right there’s all
these batteries in the back and in the
front there’s like nothing well battery
technology seems to be the one
thing that’s kind of hit a wall
completely but i
think you know
it’s just one invention away from
going over that
wall right right
right yeah i
think you’re
right i think they’re
gonna come out with some fucking
crazy new thing that
allows you to
get like a million times more information on
a single yeah
can hold more
this battery last five years yeah
this battery will
never die yeah
can you imagine
but if you crack it open it makes a
black hole and eats yeah
you will lose your
penis if you
break this battery you know it’s
covered in the same shit that
wolverine’s bones are made out of ammanium you know
you can’t get through it with bullets
you can run over it with a car and it won’t break
if it didn’t break
but whoever invents whoever
breaks that battery wall is a
like that’s
that’s the guy that
bill gates that like whatever it’s like
the scene lost
yeah
yeah we’re gonna
there’s gonna be something within our lifetime
that’s gonna be so mind blowing
that it’s gonna change everything
you know and
like we were talking about this google
thing google buzz
that you know i was talking
about twitter like i was hoping twitter was
gonna be it right
but like what i didn’t even know
about twitter two years ago
i didn’t know
about twitter i never even
heard of it what’s funny is i knew
about twitter for a while and i would use it
but then i was like
this is not that good
then suddenly everyone started
using it at the same time it just caught the fuck on
i think also
people realize it’s better to make people give them a
limited amount of characters to
choose from well that’s what
this google buzz
that’s what this google buzz
takes away that
because yeah it’s like it’s like twitter but
long can you type for i don’t
think there is a oh
but i don’t know but
here’s the thing to
that’s the difference between
for the most part like
entertaining
videos that people post online
like if someone’s like check out
someone’s fucking mad somebody i know it’s like
i look and it’s the time code
starts getting up there like
it’s a fun his
eight minutes
shorter i don’t
watch this right
right yeah make it
short this is more like
this is more like a facebook
and facebook’s
status updates i
guess to like
mixed with twitter
people are gonna
write fucking
novels and shit
yeah that is a problem man people
still goddamn for books
i get emails from people
with no paragraphs just these
floods of information
that they just love to hear themselves
talk with the shitty
thing though is it takes their
email address and
takes all your contacts and makes it your friends and
stuff like that
so what sucks is if you have your
you know of
course this only works on some people but if you have a
girlfriend and then you have your mistress
and you have you know your mistress’s mom
i’ll bang in also
and then you have like all these
three people that are now friends and reading each
other’s twitter facebook pages
and it just automatically does that too
right when you sign up it’s like
automatic well this is one of the
things that we talked
about a long time ago is that we’re getting
i think that we’re getting to a
point where there will be no more secrets
or it’s gonna be impossible i mean the convergence
of information
from your life to my life and all the
things that you know and all the
things that i know all things i’ve seen you’ve seen
we’re gonna share those eventually
those things are all gonna come together
and there’s not gonna be any secrets
we’re gonna get to a point
in you know the not so distant future
where people are
literally gonna be able to read each other’s minds
and it’s gonna be crazy man
you know i think i
think that we’re getting to some strange time right now
in our in our society and in our culture this
in our species
we’re getting to some strange time
where we’re just dabbling in the edges
of of of some some new
crazy great
thing that’s
gonna change everything we don’t
you feel like that when you like you see the news and
you hear about shit they’re doing with like the
large hadron collider and you
think about all the scientific
experiments going on
all the shit they’re doing with harp and
i feel like i always feel like we’re at
kind of like
at that fork
where we either
we’re about to like
experience something
great or like there’s impending doom and like
some awful shits
people have always felt like that too because
we’re so dumb we will occasionally fuck up and shatter
everything you know i mean look at
what happened in
world war ii
look at the fact
that we really did drop atomic bombs on people yeah
i mean that’s so non specific
i mean we hit entire cities
i mean we weren’t trying to just go
after the military we dropped
giant weapons of atomic destruction
on entire cities
i mean that’s pretty
they still reach
it it was like 9 11
for them in
hawaii when they
dropped bombs on
wide that was like 9 11 but yeah
seventy years ago
that’s not mean most times we talk
about that’s nothing
crazy talking
a hundred years ago yeah
civil war and shits
yeah really racist
seventy years ago ain’t shit man
that’s crazy
you know imagine
if twitters and webcams were
in back then
oh my god you know what’s really
interesting
is when you look into
history and not so distant history
like look into like the 1960s
and you see some of the shit that they were planning
like operation northwoods
you know if you
never read that operation
which was they were
going to make fake attacks on american civilians
and they’re
going to attack guantanamo bay
and tell people it was the cubans
and so that
would get everybody
fired up when we
were with cuba
yeah freedom
information act
is operation
northwood you
should check
podcast two and three
that sounds really interesting
it’s gotta be bucks it’s
crazy oh yeah yeah it’s definitely
was just released recently
for the freedom information act
yeah it’s like
what they were able to do back then
in the 50s and the 60s like
in the 50s the government did a
thing called operation midnight climax
where they opened up brothels
and they dosed people with lsd
that john’s
these dudes were
going there to fuck
these hookers
they would go to
these whorehouses that were run by the fucking cia
in new york and san francisco
and they would
douse these guys with acid
and then just like
study them and take notes
these guys were
on acid in a whorehouse that’s no they just went
after work to get
their dick sucked and yeah
twelve hour trip of
death and destruction are you fucking with that guy
this is incredible
yeah and this is something that was like a real
experiment the cia
ran how do you find all
this shit out
people send you
some people send me things
i learned about some
stuff on twitter
people sent me some good shit on twitter
i learned about some stuff
from my message board
learn about some
stuff from interesting
friends that you know read an interesting
article and i like you do you have to
check this out this you know this guy made a fucking
artificial finger and reattach attempts you know
there’s always something nutty that some
guys figuring out or some
study that people are doing
you know it’s
amazing how much it is out there if you really
start looking
please send me something interesting
go to my board
you guys see this a dog fuck this chicken
yeah you guys see that the puss
really interesting
it is hilarious
puppy grabs his chicken drags it into his
into his dog house
and starts fucking the shit out of it
the chickens like are you fucking shit me
and the chicken
tries to get away the puppies like bitch
probably grabs it bites them
pulls them back in and
starts fucking them
one of my favorite
videos out it’s outstanding what put it up right
put it up brian’s
gonna put it up and i’ll retweet it
it’s like a little
little i don’t know
could be a lab who knows what it is what is it a little
white dog yeah it’s like a little
could be a beagle be no that looks like yeah kind
of jack russell
maybe i don’t know
who knows it’s a
puppy it’s hard to tell what the hell they are when
a puppies a cute little fellow i’ll tell you that
she will fell fucking chicken
you know like that’s what nature is really all about
there’s another
video that i put on my twitter
recently it was a wall were sucking his own dick
that’s cool it was outstanding i hear they will
crush their own
young if they see some
pussy they want like on the
other side of the
beach really yeah like if they’re
their own young can be in the way they will
trample and
crush them oh we get laid
that’s how hard
it is to find
pussy in the walrus
world yeah man
think about that you willing to kill your baby for
something that looks like a walrus yeah
it looks exactly the most
sucking his own dick
it was ridiculous
his dick look like dave chappelle’s leg
looks like looks like this long
and this walrus is just deep throat his own cock
i put that on my twitter as well
it’s pretty fascinating man
alright i just posted the
video the dog fucking a chicken on my twitter backslash
red band i think i put it up last
night so i don’t know if i should retweet it
shut is that what is the rule on that i think there’s
ants in my butt whore
i feel either that or just have a itch
it could be
wow i got an ant problem here brian
all right i’m not
gonna retweet that you can find that shit oh shit what
bran sit up look at that we’re broadcasting
go sit down yeah
i see those ants yeah
it was just for
brian though
i know like i
haven’t been
messing with me all there up there i got an ant problem
motherfuckers you know
what it is it rains when it rains in la they all come
find trying to find dry ground
and then all the
ants they’re outside
eating dead birds and shit now they’re inside
little motherfucker have you
sprayed raid around or whatever
that is i will
i will tonight
it’s amazing how
ants are like
these little
monsters that live in your
world and you
allow them to live in your
world because they’re tiny
you know because if
ants were big
we would have fucking gigantic problems
did you imagine if
ants were like the size of of like rats a
big bait you and
magic they were that big you know how terrifying that
would be ants
would rip your arms off if they were that big
if ants were the size of rats
they’re so strong
they would they would
mangle you they would
drag you to the top of a tree and drop you off you
would all be dead
and i’ll be dead
and there’s that’s
just you know a few thousand times bigger than they are
we just deal with the fact that they’re in our little
world and these colonies
or we don’t even know how to communicate with each
other and they
all follow in a fucking straight line back to the hive
and they got a
queen in there and there’s
larva and eggs and that little fucking cunt
she’s shitting out new baby
ants constantly
while we’re here talking
somewhere in my house
somewhere my
house has to find out
where it is
probably and there’s something
going on here somewhere
under a plate
somewhere you can’t
think of something they
can handle how
much like hundreds of times
their body weight
yeah yeah hundreds of times
they’re they’re
monsters if
ants were like full
sized like this is
like size of like a
human or a dog or something like that
they would literally like
like a scene from the alien
they would rip people
apart and eat you alive
they would have no problem killing you
i mean they’re heartless
emotionless
monsters you know
these have to be little
monsters but
so are most animals you know most animals are
you ever see like just shit chimps will do to each
other you know you see shit the dogs will do to each
other or you know
animals cannibalizing on each
other miss shit happens all the time the animals
rip rip other chimps
apart yeah kill
them eat them out
yeah yeah got
to eat them
and they will if you like
chips campbellize
their babies to sometimes they
their babies yeah
i know they’ll peel they will peel chunks
of skin off of you like it’s fucking bacon
strips man yeah they’re so
strong are no
mangle you don’t you like an old
sheet to them
there was um
a chimp recently
a bonobo bonobos was supposed to be the really
peaceful ones that
follow the whole
time they got a
video footage of bonobo female
cannibalizing her dead baby
jesus her baby died she just
started eating it
oh you know
that’s dark dude yeah
that’s dark that’s
spooky shit
alright let’s take some questions here
i think we’re already over the two hour mark yeah we’re
right on you do it for
two and a half hours is
so fascinating
such good talk here and it’s five hundred
eighty nine people
we’re at the 7am
well here’s a good question this guy asked nick
nick tkd 2000 what do you
think about hollis gracie getting effed up
hollis gracie is the
the great gracie
the greatest gracie ever supposedly this guy
hollis gracie who’s like the guy
was one of hixon’s original
training partners his son just
entered the
ufc and lost this weekend
and everybody’s like
real down the
guy because he didn’t have a very good performance
and his you
know this fight
you know he got he got kind of beat up and everybody
expected more from him
but it ain’t easy man
it’s not an easy fucking sport
you go in there there’s
tremendous amount of pressure on
these guys and it’s hard for people to deal with
you know and some people
they need to be you know they need to have some bad
bad experiences so that they
learn from it and then you know either
bounce back or realize this isn’t what i want to do
you know but some people that they just don’t realize
the magnitude of the event till they actually get there
till they’re
under the bright
lights and they’re actually
fighting to
guide and they’re
like holy shit like what did i get myself into that’s
gonna be so crazy
yeah i mean the adrenaline
dump is tremendous
you know he’s so nervous
so much adrenaline
pumps out and you know that’s why i got like
randy couture of such incredible
endurance one of the reasons besides the fact that he
trained so hard
is that the dude is so
relaxed he’s been there so many times you know
when he gets in there he’s not
freaking out
dumb question cannabis
equals weed
yes yes cannabis
equals weed
yeah you know the
funny thing when marijuana was made illegal people
most people don’t even know this
the congress didn’t even know they’re making marijuana
legal or they didn’t know they were making cannabis
illegal rather cannabis was like a hemp hemp was
they used it for fiber
they used it to make
clothes and all kinds of different things
and when it was made illegal it was because they
started printing in the
paper stories
saying that
blacks and mexicans
were smoking this new drug and they were raping
white women
and that’s what got people into
that’s that’s how got people behind the whole anti
marijuana movement
that’s a reef from madness all that shit came from
so i have those posters up on my wall i’ve got all
those videos
yeah reef from madness
they’re goddamn hilarious
they’re amazing if you
haven’t seen them
you gotta see like what kind of shit they put out
and they put it out just
because they wanted to make sure that people didn’t
it’s like there’s a lot of bad
things that can happen
if you’re in control and people get a hold of pot
and you know there’s good
things to keeping it illegal you know
you can make much more
money with pharmaceutical drugs you can sell people
what you want to sell you can control
those drugs and
you know you
can’t control shit if if if marijuana becomes
legal it’s something
anybody can grow it’s like really easy to grow
i’ve met idiots that grow weed you know
yeah it’s not hard yeah you know you can figure it out
people can’t get
their life together at all they can grow some weed
it’s just economics
that’s the real reason why marijuana is illegal but
blacks and mexicans will rate
white women if they do smoke weed
white guys will
rate white women too
oh yeah but not as
yeah same thing bro
read from madness rocks i agree young man
it was also the paper company yes newspapers yeah
it was william randolph hearst
william randolph hearst owned the newspaper companies
he owned you know hearst publications but he also owned
printing rather
paper mills
and so he had like forest filled with trees
when they wanted to convert
everything over to hemp
paper because hemp makes a much better paper
he did not wanna do that it
would cost him millions of dollars would have
fucked up his whole business he would have had to
chop all his trees down and then start
planting hemp
then they’d be in competition with all
these other people that are making
paper it would
it was an economic decision
so when he was getting people to
ban marijuana they didn’t even know they were banning
hemp this industrial
plant that they had been
using for hundreds and thousands of years
it’s really kind of fascinating that
the propaganda that that guy created
in the 1930s when he owned all the newspapers
is really still in
place today i mean people
still believe it today
it’s pretty brilliant business strategy too
right i mean he was a
motherfucker man
yeah i mean that was the guy that orson wells made that
movie rose by
about no it was a movie
citizen kane
isn’t it is that you though
howard hughes
i thought it was william
randolph hearst
but yeah yeah it’s hearst
yeah so hearst is the one yeah that’s the guy yeah
i mean he was just like the guy he was like the
first motherfucker that controlled
everything yeah
that is really fascinating now that it was a
paper because i got yeah i mean
really amazing right you can chew up with him yeah i
think you can relax fella
so bad everything so bad man eating you man
it was girls right now they’re yelling at you
girls are telling you suck it up it’s just an ant
ants in your asshole whoa they said to you
you do have ants in your asshole
i feel like i have at least two
we’ll see when you’re kissing
well this show is going down real fast
way to go prawn well it’s over two hours we should
never go over two hours don’t tell me what to do
party totally this is the groove
we’re in the groove
right now it gets a point where it’s just like
you think yeah that’s when you don’t have to
watch anymore faggot
go tune to something else
i will answer
one more question then we’ll get the fuck out of here
because yeah it’s almost three
hours actually
brian’s getting phone calls where are you
where are you brian
people were
watching the
video with the
wall or suckers on deck now see i told you
the shit is real homing
the shit is real it’s out there it
sounds amazing
you gotta watch it man
how come you haven’t watched already
cause you’re not on the rubin
board watch together
and the puppy and the chicken please
you can watch the
puppy and the chicken
now this is
the part that if we were doing a podcast it was an
audio podcast i
would say we
should edit out the last
twenty minutes
they talk about jack shit
see that’s why i’m saying it
should be that way i
think yeah we
should time this
motherfucker
we should time it for two
hours ladies and gentlemen
cause this is
ridiculous we’re
bored you’re
bored i’m bored
um so i think we’re
gonna end now time to
go any last
thing said all
these nice people um
join your twitter come on brother join
my twitter thank you for right
right right me
come see me at i’m here at
oh i’m at the end more theater in australia
oh shit i’m at the end
more theater in australia next saturday
night tom segura
will be with me at the
end more theater in
sydney australia
freaking fastest
well yeah we throwing
shrimps on the barbie like a
motherfucker come to my website time
cigarette dot com
s e g u r a dot com
joe rogan dot net is mine as you can
spell it out on my my shit
and am i doing a show
in boston and august yes most of the time when there’s
ufc i’ll do a show the day before the ufc
it’s a very convenient
so that’s it
ladies and gentlemen
thank you very much for tuning in
i know this shit is
haphazard it doesn’t
start on time
and it goes too long there’s a lot of rambling but
you know this is what it is
it is free and
i do it because i love you
and it’s fun
thanks for being here top screw
and it’s always more interesting
right when it’s not just me talking to you
alright my friends
until next week we’ll see you next wednesday
oh next wednesday i got a fly to australia
so i’ll probably do this
again next tuesday
so holla back bitches
thank you very much
and i’ll see you next week