The Joe Rogan Experience #8 - Tom Segura

pass the camera back and forth

all the

we could go now but

unless you wanted me to do the audio or that

video first things i take no i was just do it just for

you got it on your screen yes

recording broadcasting

ladies and gentlemen we’re here

are we here

see this fuck

i see it man yeah it sounds huh

i can hear the sound yeah

the sound works

what’s on right now

ladies and gentlemen

we are not smooth operation

this is my friend tom segura

very funny talented comedian

we’re drinking coffee we just ate some disgusting food

i had a big fat italian sub that’s terrible for you

but taste good shit

i ate too fast i did too well we knew we had to do this

so we got lunch and then we came down

you don’t want to hear about our fucking food

you don’t care

oh i’m echoing

turn my volume down like i said

we in a smooth operation ladies and gentlemen

what’s going on freaks

how the fuck are you all out there and you stream land

times a girl what you do this weekend what do i do

times girl hilarious

stand up comedian

if you haven’t seen him before

tom and i met when

when i was first doing the

maxim tour with charlie murphy and john heffron

we did this tour

and everywhere we had a different guy open up for us

and you know

most of them were guys that were just

starting out or guys that

hadn’t been doing it that long it was like cool little

thing for them to get up and and do some

stand up or it was like the local

funny guy there’s like

in a couple towns like chicago there was like some

local guys went up that were really funny

a couple of the places but

tom was the funniest

at all of them he

was the funniest when we were in phoenix and he went up

he’s fucking

hilarious i was like god damn this dude’s really

funny like this is some

funny shit it was like

it was mean

spirited but smart and

very good stuff man

and so we’ve been pals

thanks man ever

since tops a

girl very talented comedian

just you know for comedians

there’s a lot of comedians that are really

funny but you don’t know who they are

and it’s a it’s a

weird thing it’s like

to be really good as a comedian is almost like

sometimes it’s like the

exact opposite mindset

to be good at like

promoting yourself

you know don’t you

think yeah man there’s what they

did the two extremes

exist right yeah

the guy or some guys

i don’t know i just

i i don’t feel like i feel like you’re supposed to be

not just focusing on your stand up

but on how to be a

great marketing guy

yeah this is hard to do it’s not my mindset

you know and there’s guys that are

like dane cooks

the master at it for sure yeah but there’s guys

that are pretty goddamn good at it you know that really

really are are

are good about like

promoting themselves and some of them have a

great five minutes yeah

but god damn they can fill up places

you know it’s an art in and of itself it really is

it’s definitely something to be respected

you know i’m always amazed when i find out like

certain guys are like selling you know ten thousand see

places you like whoa really holy shit i do that

that’s incredible ten thousand people come to see you

but is that it is that can that

be a result of doing a

great promoting you think

well yeah i mean it’s

definitely a result of

great you have to have something there has

to be a product then there has to be

great promoting

but i think

the very same mindset that makes you

like the really the

really good

comics like

guys like david tell

they’re not the best at

promoting themselves you know like

these are louis ck

and louis ck is a

great professional

comic a great writer but like

he just deleted his myspace and deleted his

facebook you didn’t want to deal with anymore so he’ll

still use twitter

just cause he felt like it was too much and so

like it’s almost like

to be great creatively

it’s almost like you can’t really

you know it’s something

it’s almost like they don’t

they don’t work together like you have to relearn it

as a comic like i

think you have

to like accept that this is a part of the job

and you can’t

think of it like um

you know like something you don’t you

know you do or you don’t do is no big deal you have to

think of this is like an integral part of your job

yeah and it’s hard to but it’s the

thing is like it’s hard to picture

like richard pryor

being like you

gotta come to my show yeah no

tell your friends to come

you know you don’t

picture him

you just know you like you

when you get into combat

you don’t like

think oh and then i’ll

recruit people to come to the show

you just go

i’ll just work i’ll just try to do this well and i’ll

never actually

never even encouraged you to think

about it because before you know

you think that every

like club managers is just like

what i do is i make people come here

right right right

like you have your part of the equation too

and it’s it’s a

weird thing because now like with the internet

like you have more access to people than ever before

but it seems like less and

less comedians are like popping up than ever before too

it’s kinda weird you know

you would think that with

like you know the internet like there’d be more new

comics that you hear

about like how

often you hear

about some guy that someone tells you

about it’s really funny

and you go to see his clips and they’re really

funny it’s not that

often right

you know it’s like

think about how many good

movies come out a year

i think about like how many you know tv shows you’re

excited about

and then think

about how many

comics that you see you know

psycho it’s such a weird path

you know it’s like no one ever

no one who’s

smarter and more

more balanced than a comedian

ever stepped back and like looked at the

whole process and said listen

you know this is this is how it

should all be done this is how you

should go from

you know doing

open mic nights to being a professional

to you know to plotting out your career

no no one ever does that

okay listen

i got no one does

but this is fact that you’re making me

think of something i have to ask you

do you think that

that there’s just

i was thinking

about like who’s regarded as like

great and like how there’s not really you don’t hear

about that many new

things coming up

as far as comics go

right do you think

there is an age

that somebody

like you have to be

to really be

like considered

super funny like i’m saying

stand up is there a cut off age like

cause really

like grey comics don’t exist

under a certain

age don’t you

think um yeah i

would never say

absolutely because i

think that if there can be prodigies in

music and there can be people that are born with the

right neuro

frequency to make them like mathematical

geniuses when the children and

chess geniuses

i think all that shit is

that’s possible that someone

could be like that with comedy too that

could be some

smartass kid

who’s like eighteen

years old is funnier than everybody else and just just

yeah just a bud

genius how you listen memory

things though too like just having

you know such a huge memory i yes

there’s a certain amount

of is most certainly a certain amount of what comedy is

is the more

experiences you have the more

information you

could draw from

and so when you’re

older your comedy makes more

sense it’s more

it’s more complex

cause you’re more complex you’ve looked at the puzzle

a little bit longer

than the young kids but

some some of the

best comedy is not like that some of the best comedy is

silly you know

like look at

brian regan’s comedy

that’s some

silly shit man but it’s hilarious

yeah he’s like

brian rig is like one of the only dudes

that figured out a way to be hilarious for everybody

he’s hilarious like

if you don’t

think that guy’s

funny like you’re you’re being

you know you’re not in a good mood

you know like

he said much

fucking silly shit

and it’s like really well delivered

but you can take your

grandmother to go see

brian regan

totally yeah

i kid you think it’s amazing

he figured something out

well it’s just him though you know i’m saying like

that’s who he is

and if you’re some kid

just some super genius

twenty year old kid

who’s to say that you can’t

be hilarious who’s to say you can’t be like a real

you know headliner that i

would pay for

i mean i look back and like when i was

twenty one doing

stand up i would like to go back to all

those people and give them

their money back

i would like to go i’m so

sorry you had to sit through all that shit

you know i would love to go

back to people that saw me when i was like twenty two

and and apologize i’m so

sorry but you helped me so much i know it was atrocious

to get through

paying for you to go through college kind of

you’re not exactly

is your paid

if you’re paid comedian and you really

have only been doing it for like two years and you’re

twenty two years old

god damn your materials

gonna be dog shit

you know i mean i had some

stuff actually

about a second year i had some

stuff that was

pretty good it’s like good blowjob jokes and

stuff like that

ones that i

could still

throw out today

if i’m in a hole

at one thirty five in the morning you know

i need a bit this

settle into what we’re talking about yeah

it’s possible the right i

think some some

young kids could be amazing

i choked fucked up bro

fucked up um yeah i

guess it’s possible it’s like do you ever do you how

often do you find yourself stopping

to watch like a

twenty five year old

say something

or like if it is

twenty five year old it’s a black one

you know someone tells me there’s some

white kids in here

i’m like how old is he

twenty five

has he done heroin

no yes i’m saying i want to see something

not interesting

like tell a certain

point yeah you

gotta tell me what happened to him

was he was he kidnapped molested

did he graduate harvard early

yes yes to all these okay

let’s see what you have to say

never how much

of your early

stuff you thought was good though like yeah

hit twenty minutes you’re like

i’ve got a great

twenty minutes there was a

point in time

where i was way

ahead of myself i thought it was much better than i was

and there’s also a

point when you realize

that um a lot of what you’re doing especially

with me i realize a lot of what i was doing was just

doing tricks

i had not relaxed enough to

let out my own

sense of humor

all i was doing was like trying to calculate

how to trick them into

laughing right now

i hadn’t really figured out what was funny

all all i was just

i was coming from a real weird

place i was coming from a

place of what’s my

sound just went off or something

well yep did you

tweet it as me too yeah

what is it you put on twitter

it’s on your twitter right hand

okay so we’re on right now yeah on right hand


uh oh

ladies and gentlemen obviously the new world

order does not want i was talking about

stand up comedy

it’s a very dangerous subject and

the information that we have leaked in this broadcast

this confidential information

may be bad for america

we’re back i

don’t know what the fuck happened we got forced off

got forced off the air you know

because we’re giving out

secret information

about the government

government came through

they called

tell me what’s your take on conspiracies any

any crazy conspiracies that you believe in mmm

is there anything

you believe in the people go what the fuck is

wrong with you tommy

yeah like i’ll be like

money makes you

happy wow what a

bunch of bullshit that is that’s i’m

i’m not rich and i’m fucking

the happiest guy you’ll ever meet in your life

it’s very happy guy

yeah but i think

you know george carlin

did an interview

where he was talking

about the key to happiness is

find something that you love

to do do it well and have people recognize you for it

you know and um

it was a it was pretty interesting interview

cause it was dead on the

money you know

i mean that’s

that is really like the key to happiness like

even if you

even if you’re making really good money

doing something you don’t like to do it’s not fun

you know i mean

even if you’re making

great money like as a

stock broker banker

that shit eats away at your fucking soul

nobody wants to be doing that you can

never be thrilled to do that yeah

yeah no there’s like there

i mean there are serial killers

who really enjoy doing that

you know supposedly

right yeah so

but who knows what the fuck that is

but you know it’s like

to to really be

happy you know the real problem is

not everyone can fucking do what they wanna do

we have a whole

world full of air force

fighter jet pilots

rights martial arts

fighters comedians

and you know

and and billionaires and you know i’m saying yeah yeah

it’s there’s

gonna have to be regular

folks too there’s

going to have to be

people that abandon

those ideas

or families

more important to them or some aren’t capable either

yeah there’s

that too but that’s that’s the

thing that people don’t wanna

look at like as if there’s like real inherent

potential in people

and everyone wants to

think that everybody’s equal

but that’s not true i’m

i’m very dumb when it comes to math

like my brain it’s like

never i never paid attention in high school

and when people

start talking math

i have like a

block my brain just

glosses over

exact same way

yeah i know

if you know i

think part of it’s even

self imposed

right like yes we’re not as bad at math as we

think we are

right because

the whole everything that we think of

with math is

scary we just

you actually

try less in math because you’re already scared of

it you know what i mean like yeah yes i said i tell you

every level of math yeah me too

and and you know what the funny

thing is almost everybody i know that’s a really good

comic cause the same problem

bad man yeah i don’t know any

comics like math geniuses

it’s like a different mindset

you know yeah

yeah i think it is

that’s just

guessing though you know

cause my i had a friend my friend johnny b

was a pool player

that guy easily

could have been a

stand up community

he just nobody talked to him

you know there’s there’s a

bunch of guys that i’ve met in my life

that could have really easily

eddie bravo

eddie bravo

could easily been

a stand up comedian

there’s a bunch of dudes that are just

real good storytellers

they just know how to make everybody laugh

and all they were missing was someone talking them into

going on stage yeah

so many guys like that but that guy was a mathematical

genius and he was a

he was a pool player like a professional hustler

and he was he was so good at math you

could like just

yell numbers out like yell

three ninety two

minus five divided by four times a hundred you go

two two two

twenty six that

have the number that really

freaks me out it was

crazy he could do it he

could do with

everything we

would sit there with a

calculator we

would fuck with them

and he was um

i mean that’s one of the reasons why so good at pool he

was he was amazing

at judging angles like he

could see it geometrically

he would see a pool table

he would see the paths you know

and that’s another mathematical thing

are a lot of good pool players good

there’s a bunch of guys

who are yeah

the guys who have like a real natural

talent for it

like as good

as i ever play pool when i was playing pool like

eight ten hours a day

i was always

never near as good as like

really good guys

and my friend johnny was like as good as like

when he was on

he could play as good as anybody i’ve ever seen

really yeah it’s it’s a talent

you know there’s

a certain amount of it is hard work and dedication

but there’s a certain there’s

in every now and then whether it’s in

music or in

you know in you know sports

every now and then there’s

hard work comes

along and and runs into a talent

you know when you see someone who’s got something just

some natural incredible

gift and on top of that they work hard with it

you know that’s

that’s like the type of shit that’s the real

amazing thing

yeah somebody is that talented

they’re still working really hard

yeah like like

fighters like bj penn is a perfect example of that

here’s a guy who’s

super hyper talented

but his his big problem was

he never really

trained like the most obsessed guys do i mean he

trained hard no doubt

about it but

there’s a certain

level of fitness

these fucking

crazy monsters

these george st

pierres these

these savages that

they’re on this

insanely high

level of fitness

and you know and finally bj is

training just like

those guys are now so now it’s incredible

you see guy with

talent and on top of the

talent now you have

dedication hard work to

it’s amazing too if you look at like

yeah of all

sports i know there’s at

least a couple guys in

every sport

that some of them

we’re known for not working hard

yeah they were so not like someone i

think totally want

every like pete

sampras and everybody knows

pete sampras

like apparently i

think it’s him like

if it’s not

i’m sorry but

i think it’s pete

that that like they said like didn’t really

train and the guy had like

every grand slam

title that’s incredible he was

basically unbeatable for

a stretch of years he

um he married

a chick that i did a

pilot for a tv show with

god i wish i

could remember her name she was

super cool she was oh

adam sandler

movie yeah yeah yeah

bridget wilson i

think that’s

right no no

remember her name i

can’t remember her name she was very nice though

yeah that guy was a

super tennis

player and he didn’t train

i think they said that like

it’s not that he didn’t

train it’s just like

not a hard work

isn’t it funny like that

black women have made his

tennis with the william sisters

when when we got see like

yoked up running back looking

tennis players

you know dudes like hershel

walker type

tennis player

who just bam

just fuck that ball up

you know what i mean like

those guys are coming

i mean all they have to do is like get into

tennis and all

these white guys are fucked you know

i mean that’s just that’s just how it’s

gonna go down

if any if ever

there’s like

a path for inner city

school kids to get good at tennis

oh no reason

tennis is a rich person

sport man who the fuck is playing

tennis where

where’s the

tennis court

right you know if you go to

tennis court in a bad neighborhood that’s

where people fight

you know i mean it’s not you know

you get black kids really into

tennis holy shit

it’s over it’s

over to rap

to rap what are you

gonna move faster than them

you know what i wonder

why it hasn’t happened for real though i don’t know

you know it’s funny that

for somehow or another that’s perceived as being racist

when you talk

about black athletes like that

black athletes are some of the best in all

sports there’s

great white

white athletes is greatly

george c pierre

and you know brock

lesnar this

this freak athlete athletes are

white too but

man there’s a lot of

great black ones holy shit

bobby buckeye

says when venus and serena

have kids god damn

venus and serena what kind of imagine if

venus and serena

had kids with

bobby lashley

you know bobby lashley

is he’s just

super yoked up

wrestler dude

who is fighting

mixed martial arts now

he looks like looks like like a

like a like one of

those little he man action figures

doesn’t mean like a real human

he’s just fucking

super yoked

smashing dudes just

picking them up

slamming them

their backs his

super powerful wrestler

him and serena williams oh my god

i think it’s even crazier when people say

like that the

blacks aren’t

great athletes yeah that would be

that’s what this guy

i have a little twitter

conversation back and forth this dude last night

he said that me and goldberg

ovaries refer to

black people as explosive

and athletic

when they’re describing a

black fighter

and that you know that

could be perceived as

racist because you’re not

counting into fact that they’re very technical as well

that’s bullshit

you know we always

count into effect whether guys are technical

like when you look at a guy like phil

davis is this

wrestler just fought

in the last ufc

wasn’t just explosive and athletic he’s like a high

level wrestler

you know his technique was outstanding and the way took

these guys down was like almost effortless

you know he’s so good at wrestling

and the guy fought this guy

brian stan you

know had good take down defense but this dude is so

all around so good

how could you not say he’s explosive

netflix that’s ridiculous

yeah that is exactly what he is and they want you to

imagine that

yeah it’s not that he’s not technical too but

come on man that guy has some free gifts

his legs are like fucking ten feet long

they look like like almost like an antelope’s legs

you know i’m saying

it looks like

when he was out there

standing in

front of the dude

like he looks like he

could jump over him

he looks so powerful

you know and like brock

lesnar’s another one that’s a perfect example of a

white guy how can you not say that guy

is is like athletic

how can i say he’s explosive

he’s and he’s

white and he’s

a just a fucking giant

viking dude you know he’s got viking genetics or some

shit in him you know i’m saying he’s an animal

fuck yeah i mean that’s just

that’s just real

like that’s like the the the the most

savage that america’s capable of producing

that’s pure american

power genetic

right there you know i’m saying

like you get like

a lot like especially

like with with slavery in america i mean so many

i mean it’s like

something that you’re not supposed to talk

about for whatever reason but it’s a

known fact that slaves

would breed

the biggest males

of the biggest females and i mean how many african

americans in this country come from slavery like

goddamn it’s it’s it’s a real it’s a real obvious

thing that’s the reason why there’s so many

really powerful

strong ones it’s almost like genetic engineer

it’s absurd to not recognise

that there are more

explosive athletic but

that’s a good

thing like how

could that possibly be

but how could that possibly be like

negative like you’re

in some ways people are saying

like well you’re making excuses for them you’re saying

they’re better than people because of that

and it’s not because of technique but

that’s just you you’re putting that in your own head

i would never say that

you know and

there are guys

that are explosive that aren’t that technical but

you know that’s just because that’s how

they are and there’s guys that are you know it’s like

you gotta be honest

about when it comes to

sports and anything like

everyone’s so

touchy feely with this

whole black

white issue

you know we’re all

human beings

folks but it’s it’s very obvious that

chinese guys don’t have bigger dicks than black guys

i mean everybody fucking knows it you you couldn’t

argue it in court

yeah you know if you if you pull out all the

black dicks and all the chinese dicks

it would be a simple i would bet

every fucking dollar i have

that the black guys

would win yeah

right they would be the the

white the chinese dicks

would be crying

every now and then you

think you got a big dick

until you tune into you porn

and there’s

some dude and i’m not talking fake rubber dicks

brian i know what you think

i’m talking real dicks

there’s dudes

with real dicks that look like fucking arms

like man dingo yeah they’re real

dicks they aren’t holding on to it it’s not strapped on

their balls are shaved

this is his real

giant dick and he’s fucking the shit out of this

poor little

white runaway

and this girl with a bad

tattoo on her ass and

that’s intimidating bro man dingo’s

dick actually looks like a like a weapon that he

could like use like in a

fight or like

to get you like

give him money like that guy’s yeah

looks like it looks like a fist

have you seen

lexington steel

oh yeah this is yoked up

black dude you guys

gonna take like fourteen inches long

i just did a song man

we’re talking

reality here people you see what’s taking over twitter

the new thing

no i was just

gonna about talk

about john holmes

is very important

the last big

white guy with a big dick was john holmes

known for his big dick

who else has been

known for a big

giant not like

pretty much

no yeah it’s not the same

he’s got a big dick but it’s not

ridiculous john

holmes was a

monster it was a snake

but the dude

could never get fully hard

right it was always like

because all it was all jacked up on whatever the

fuck he was doing at the time joe see that movie that

where val kilmer played him

pretty interesting

movie yeah yeah

yeah it was a mess

but it was never like a

never like a weapon

you know yeah this

these things

would whatever

look black guys

you can run faster and jump higher

and you have bigger scarier dicks

that’s a fact

i mean it’s

to say to act like it’s not true

and those dicks are terrifying

it’s a stereotype

tom stereotype

yeah you shouldn’t

you shouldn’t support those


cause there’s a lot of

black guys out there with little dicks

and they don’t

wanna get along with

their woman

pull it out and have all

these highlighters it’s

not the color like if it was a

the same black i

would be white

would it just be like creepy

river dick it

wouldn’t be big and just be like creepy

river dick creepy

river what is it what

the fuck are you talking

what is that

i don’t know

never heard they got too high

i’m gonna have to shut this camera off

or settings here

did you see the new

thing that’s

taken over twitter

no that google buzz have you been kind of a

tester that yet

no what is that

it’s a pretty much google’s taking twitter

and embedding it into gmail

jesus fucking christ

savages yeah i just

started it and oh my

god it never

it’s gonna take over twitter god damn it

i was hoping that twitter

would be it

i would hope i

would hope we

could stop but you know what

here’s the thing man google’s taking over the universe

they’re gonna be internet service providers now

google’s gonna

install their own pipes in neighborhoods

these gigantic fucking

one gigabyte pipes these

fiber optics that like get you

you can download

porn on the moon and like you know fractions of a

second you know

they’re they’re doing some nutty shit man they own

everything man

google maps google voicemail

google mail google

everything it takes over it’s

crazy the takeovers begun yeah

could you imagine

if we find out one day that what google was was

everybody was saying well

if there is artificial

intelligence you know when artificial intelligence

eventually manifest itself

like will it even let itself be known

or will people just go about

their lives not knowing that artificial intelligence is

alive and conscious and while

artificial intelligence is trying to plot what

what to do and how to take over the situation

well if computers were


wouldn’t they

start up a company that

would just buy up

everything and own own you

have your accounts

where you do your you can do google purchases

where you buy

things with

a google account and you got google mail

google maps

which shows

where you fucking live

you know you got google

everything in your google voicemail

it’s documenting

everything that you say

it’s making like

little transcriptions of

every voicemail

that gets left on you what do you hear that

google is gonna try to do

their maps but inside of buildings

that’s for next thing

so like if you’re like

i wanna know

where that pot

store is oh there it is

i wanna see what it looks like inside oh that’s

crazy walk through the store

and they just announced

a couple days ago that

they have all these ski

thing so now you can go

down ski mountains

on google maps it’s already on google maps

right now do you imagine

if you can go to any now

google was really artificial intelligence

slowly consuming society

the president was a

robot well the people that like at the

very top like no one’s met the boss you know i’m saying

like the boss

is fucking pay no attention the man behind the curtain

you know it’s a fucking computer man

could you imagine

this is the bad guy from inspector

gadget with a cat like

how did what how does it work

what would you

think would happen if there was a moment

where artificial intelligence

became independent

they they were able

to operate and sustain themselves without any human

action they had

a set system set up of

checks and balances

where they could always make sure that they

would stay awake

they would always hit make sure the

power was on they had

robots that they were controlling that

could you know manipulate

everything and do what they wanted them to do

at that point in time

when do we find out

how cause that’s

gonna happen

right i mean

if it’s possible

it’s gonna happen if

it hasn’t happened if the if you know with with moore’s

law and with you know the exponential increase in

you know accelerating

increase in

in complexity when it comes to

technology it’s it’s

gonna it’s not

gonna stop right here it’s

gonna keep going

it’s gonna keep

going in the same directions

going right now

will we be enslaved at that

point though oh

dude don’t do that to my cat she gets she

freaks out when people like

like do weird shit with her like hold her in front of

things and she’ll go pee somewhere

you can’t do that

she loves attention but

if you fuck with her she’ll shit in your bag

she loves me

do you think

do you think that like it’ll be well we all be google

slaves of i’m wondering in the man google’s

gonna take over the goddamn universe skynet

how do you use by the way have you used the other

search engines

google is skynet why don’t they just change it i’ve

been trying i’ve been actually trying to use bingo

is it is it good it’s alright it’s better than yahoo

i mean who are who you yeah

what happened how did google just become such

uber cyberpumps they had the

basic color

graphic and that’s all it was remember when you

first went to yeah but that’s not why they’re so

successful why are they so successful in

hitting like all these major markets

like they made a brand name

and then once once they made that brand name all the

other versions

of what they do were diminished significantly

like i don’t know what the numbers are so like yahoo

searches to google

searches but

everybody i talk to when you have a question

you go google that shit yeah

you know hey you know why is this guy red on certain

nights when the sun sets

google that shit

bam you know what is that oh well that’s the

moisture in the air combined with you know the fucking

rotation of the

earth and you’re only getting the corona

blah blah blah

that’s fascinating shit man

we didn’t have that weird kids

we’re just stupid

this is a fantastic time to be

alive that’s

great you can ask any question that

thing right

until google

fucks us in the ass

right till google shuts the whole

system down takes over

i just really want the next

big thing to be

everything you see is recorded

type thing what why

would you want that

you’re free so many

times where i’m just like

like i walked out the

other night and i saw a

shooting star

and it was the biggest

shooting star i ever saw

and i’m just like

fuck i wish i saw that like i

could just show that to somebody else

right but then you

would rewind

it it would get to the part

where you were beating off

early that day

sorry i went too far

and you had

two fingers up your butthole and you make scissor

motions of your fingers

and you’re beating it i have not forced

to see that too

you think it’s

gonna be something like

where you’re

gonna put like

these like contact lenses in

that are like a

computer or something that goes over your eyes there’s

gonna be some sort of a neural interface there’s

gonna be something that connects people’s minds

and the whole system of

recording and consciousness

in your mind and connects that directly to a computer

yeah that’s that’s what’s

gonna happen it’s

gonna be there’s

gonna be you’re

gonna have a way to access

yourself other databases and i this is what i

think it’s probably

gonna be it’s probably

gonna be they’re

gonna come up with an artificial

brain they’re

gonna reproduce the

human brain

and i mean once they get to the

point where they can do that once they get to the

point where they can

they can literally create or recreate a human mind

and and and have all its functions

mapped out and do it correctly

like that that

that seems like

nonsense but that’s just a matter of time they’re

gonna be able to do that eventually

and when they do goddamn

they will have finally something

though that we’ve always wanted like flying cars

for them it’ll be

crazier than that it’ll be when they have an artificial

brain and they know exactly how the

brain works

they know exactly how to interface with your brain

they i mean it

might be possible to interface with your

brain with a

frequency that you could

transmit through the air

will people have to do anything at that

point it might be like wi fi man and what you

might not have to do anything like biologically to your

brain what i’m saying is they

might figure out a way to tap into the very fucking

frequency that your

brain operates under

you got mad ants it

sounds like what’s

cause of you you

dirty bitch they hate you

if i’m gonna kick your ass

i do have ants i

got an ant problem um

like all of its carpet

yeah well nobody gives a fuck

about that out there and you

streamland bro that’s not

fascinating i

was gonna talk

about ants for a while um

so you know what is

gonna happen that’s the big question

what the fuck is it

gonna be what is what is

gonna be this

this big change

that uh that

that takes us from

where we are

today i think it’s

gonna be something like that i

think the next big jump is

gonna be something

where we can directly access information

you know like

you know they make my

maybe they can even try it in a town

you know and one town will volunteer for it and the

whole fucking town becomes telepathic

you know like they have this

frequency they can broadcast it like

like a wi fi type signal

and the wi fi

type type signal is hooked to some sort of uh

some sort of a machine

or something

that can can take

brain ways and connect them and and um

what’s the word i’m looking for

translate them

uh into binary code into

ones and zeros into the information from the internet

and then it can

transmit it

right back into

brain waves

so you can access things

without doing anything

without having any

chips in your

brain without having any wires

if they could get to the

point where they

could figure out how to

transmit something

that your brain

could automatically and instantly produce

i think google

goggles is a pretty good step too being able to take a

picture of anything

and it’s like

google search for

photos you know

walk around back what’s this bird

right brings you up

everything about that bird

right i think that’s

gonna be good too because then

you have to have like competing japanese

doing all that shit though

right yeah can’t be that we all get it from one source

right that’s

the problem yeah mean

do google has a good

reputation though right

i don’t know i

think it but also is a really aggressive

like company yeah well obviously

should have

taken over the goddamn

world yeah exactly

i used to really

like google but now i’m getting kind of

freaked out by the

way really it’s just about

the information that they have the growing in

power you know

i mean we’re pretty much

trusting a website with a lot

of information a lot almost everything yeah

yeah they mean

they know where you live bro

they got you got a map of your fucking house

it’s really

weird right they i have a phone in my pocket that has

me gps everywhere i am in the whole entire world

maybe google

maybe google step one

and then you know

step two is you have to buy the certain cellphone

stick it up your ass and

go back in time it’s a darning initiative

it is the goddamn domination

i’m not even excited to watch lost i got that shit dvr

i’m not even

excited to watch it it wasn’t a good episode last week

bored the shit out of me man

last week it was like

i like this we’re going back in

time oh and then the bomb and the hero will go oh look

this is crazy

they’re in this time

but are they in that time or this time

where are they right what

this guy nick you

said it fast the last episode the last ninety

seconds is all they needed for the

whole episode yeah

you know it seems to

me like i didn’t

it was a brilliant show that is impossible to keep up

you know it’s impossible

to keep people strung

along and fascinated oh

i love it do you

but did the same people are writing it

after a certain

point in time you don’t

think the wells dry

no i thought it was dry like

maybe the third

season well

maybe they’re just

setting a bunch of

things up and it

would be worth it in the future

i watched the whole

first three

seasons whatever the hell it was

i watched them all

on dvds i watched them all in a row

which was awesome

no commercials

you watch two

three in a row

it’s fun that was great yeah

were you hooked for the

first time you saw it

i actually caught up like he did but i

started like at

season two just went

author one into

i get hooked on shows man then i get

bored like i

about star galactica

love that show that show was incredible i couldn’t

get in on that till the last

season the last

season i was like oh okay

more you know it wasn’t that it was was bad

it was just

after a while it’s like lost interest

did i didn’t

i didn’t have enough invested in it it’s like you’re

if you’re they’re

building a show towards a certain conclusion

you know and then they have a new

conclusion all

sudden around planet

oh okay well what

how is this

gonna work out after a

while you just lose interest yeah it’s like you’ve been

dragged the

dramas been

dragged out of you

you know a series i think

it’s very difficult like

this when there’s a quest

you know when there’s a

quest to find like the new earth

yeah that’s good to

motivate you through a few episodes but

to keep that

going like as a

series and to stay interested i

think that’s hard to do

i think there’s kind of

something like even though you’re not getting as much

there’s something

great about

those series that make like a

short season

like some of the hbo

ones what you know they don’t do like a

twenty two episode

thing right

and they can keep you if

their season is

six twelve episodes

you can stay much more hooked in

what they’re doing and it

raises the quality of

those yeah you know but when you

watch like a

series you know like you know if you’re

watching like

they have 22 episode

seasons or sometimes

more than that

like 40 episode

seasons yeah some shows

it’s hard to keep that compelling

or do you who has 40 i don’t know south

park maybe yeah

yeah but like you know like when you

watch did you watch like the original

miss i drama obviously the original office on hbo

six episodes i never watched it it’s

fantastic it’s

amazing it’s real hard for me for whatever reason to to

watch comedies

like especially when i’m on my own

like i watch them with friends or you know

i don’t like sit down by myself and like when i

watch a movie

it’s always

almost always

monster movies

i’m always watching like some werewolf

movie or some even shitty ones

like i watch stephen king’s

night flyer the other

night it’s a terrible

vampire movie but i like it

it’s fun stupid

you don’t watch that many comments

i don’t watch comedies by myself

that one was

was given to me

if i’m alone i’m

watching like documentaries

or you know

or shit like that if i’m

gonna watch something fiction

i wanted to be

completely stupid

i’ve i’ve given up on like you know

our team like you told me what the hurt locker

yeah yeah i can

watch it no

no i i keep like

thinking about

watching them like

don’t i mean no actually do just as i

would like to see what you think

about it i just can’t believe all

these people are praising it dude

war movies for you you can look out

it’s alright but it’s just like mission

to mission to

mission to man

people love it man some people love it

people love that i saw precious the other day

how was it it’s chicks hot

right she’s

super hot yeah super hot

she can rest

and play she’s

it’s it’s the

it’s like just it’s

the movies basically

oh this sucks

about your life

and then this looks and this sucks

and this sucks and then ends with the

worst thing ever and you’re like cool this movie

i don’t like that feeling

you know people tell you that you’re not deep

because you don’t

enjoy being depressed you know you don’t

enjoy i don’t want to go somewhere if you’re

gonna manipulate my feelings

and i mean that’s

all you’re really doing i mean are you

i guess some

movies raise

awareness for certain

causes and some

movies make you

think about

things a little

different but

i don’t need to be depressed alright

if i wanna watch a documentary on something i

watch it but if you’re

gonna make some shit up

make it fun for me

okay yeah yeah you know

i like i like fucking

i like vampires

i like werewolves

and shit i’m looking forward to benicio del toro

this weekend

the wolf man yeah i’m looking

forward to i like

i like shit that’s fun

you don’t have to depress me with

child molestation and abuse and

i don’t like the date drug addiction

i don’t like the idea that we have to reward

something that

really does depress you just because it depressed you

yeah like this

movie is awesome

it’ll depress the shit out of you

and then when it does you have to go you’re

right that was awesome

why is that awesome

and yeah yeah what is that

what is that why why are

those the better ones

how come the ones that make you

laugh or like

oh that’s no big deal it’s only making you

laugh right

but the ones that make

you like feel like shit yeah like i remember i said

it’s twenty one

grams we’re talking

about this once

i saw twenty one

grams this is

fucking movie where

at it’s at the end of the

movie i’m like i don’t

wanna go to one of

these movies ever

again so it made me feel like shit

was it well done yes it was well done but

why is seeing that good

right why is even

i know that that shit happens in real life you know i’d

watch documentaries

if that’s where i’m

gonna get my real life from

if i wanna get a

movie i don’t

wanna be depressed

i wanna have some fun i go to

movies i gotta play

things going on my own life you know yeah

i wanna escape

i wanna escape in a good way i

wanna escape and have some fun sure

i wanna escape and see some

silly shit you know i

wanna escape and see something fun i don’t

wanna get depressed

about heroin

an accent oh

i know i know that’s real i don’t care

yeah we can’t

fix that five hundred days of summer with another

really popular movie that

but it was just same

thing it was

on the plane yeah it was a it’s like

bummer after bummer

after what is that that chick

movie that is the number one

movie is on

dear john from the

notebook maker

yeah that’s number one yeah

i heard it was just yeah

that’s a pretty goddamn good looking couple

those two should go

right into porn

why you fucking around

you know they

should have

that’s gonna be what happens one day

they’re gonna have two versions of the

movie they’re

gonna have the cinematic version and the porn someone’s

gonna go crazy

and they’re

gonna make like an avatar with porn

that’s gonna be an option

you can get this the family friendly g

rated pg version

where there’s no fucking

or you can get the full

xx where when

and then i fucking like just for

just so that you

could beat off to it it’s not like you know like a

bunch of scenes like a compilation tape no

there’s a story

and then the

story they fuck and you’re

gonna get to see it

yeah that’s

gonna be possible yeah the

first couple like

these dear john couple

it’s gonna be some real

real attractive couple we’re

gonna do it they’re

gonna make it looks as part it’s already

it’s the real i was living that life

he was my john he went away he came back

we’ve made love i

loved him i was in the role

and then they’re

gonna have like

badass better be a

great fucking movie

three d and

but the rest of it is like

still a really good

movie three d

sperm yeah it’s

gonna be a three d oh

shooting it you

shoot it inside or if you love her bro how dare

you this is

gonna make it rain no no no

this is not a porno

for you to jerk off to this is love

you fucking asshole

you ruined everything yeah man ruin

everything dude

talking about avatar

porn the love version

how dare you brian

how fucking dare that’s why i have to say to you

now let’s say if because i

never go to

these goddamn questions

let’s see if there’s an

energy to summer was good

yeah but it was also like the most depressing movie

then why are we

watching this what is

500 days of summer

it’s some chick fil a

that i have a

sports door

hold let me shut this door

three d playboy

sweat coming actually playboy’s not coming anywhere

i didn’t playboys

about on the way out

just watching that playboy

reality show you can just tell they’re hurt for money

they have a show

did you hear there was a

story in the paper

about that that the

stockholders are mad

at mr hefner

because mr hefner

apparently is

he doesn’t want

to sell the company and even though there’s been some

a couple good offers to sell the company

he hasn’t accepted them

and he just wants a

his life take

it to his grave

yeah and why shouldn’t he

why i mean if that’s what he can do why

wouldn’t he do that he knows the end is near

of course he’s got a few years left

what is he doing he’s

going out having a good time

that fred flintstone he’ll make your bedrock why is it

how dare you

how dare you that was

so terrible

i wish i had a rock

that was terrible

you know this that whole

you have that

thing is such a

weird thing man

you know that one one dude figured

out a way how to make like pornography acceptable

really i’ve just don’t

show don’t show

their pussies

show everything else

don’t you don’t get crazy

you know have

her bent over and you can see like a little lip

but nothing no finger spread

you know like no both

pussy shots

i can’t you just why can’t you show the

pussy why can’t you show

i could grow

their legs pulled back

like looking at you showing up

why is it okay if i go only see part of it

you know is the

inner part evil

like what what are you hiding from me there’s danger

look at tara reid in that last episode is

she a playboy we got it dude it was just

it was avatar

bad boobs no it was avatar

it wasn’t even her yeah like

airbrush boom

dude it wasn’t even airbrushed it was avatar

but why would you pay

money for that as i’m saying is why didn’t we pay

money is that business is

still in business well we were

stoned and we were at

the hotel and

no i’m saying but why

would people buy it because people are

idiots only

through tooth

you see that tail would be

done with your tooth

and they buy it

i mean or the articles that’s the

other argument is that they have good

articles but i don’t know if they have good articles i

think that’s

an urban myth is it

well at one

point in time they had good articles

i know that because there was a book that i bought

a long time ago was a

bunch of interviews with

a playboy interviews

and it was really fascinating and one of them was

sinatra and i

never realized

sinatra was so fucking smart

sinatra was like really

smart and i

found out this from this

book of playboy interviews it was pretty fascinating

huh but it was more of really

about what sinatra

had to say than it was

about the interview

guy interviewing i remember my

first dirty joke was from a playboy

magazine in the

seventies oh

you silly ghost

what was it uh why is it

why is a girl’s asshole and

pussy so close together

she can pick them up like a six pack

oh jesus that was in playboy

nineteen seventy

eight or something why are you

grass and later pick

somebody up that’s painful i just think

about fingernails

scraping inside body parts holding up

that’s just rude why

would you want to pick them up like that

that shit is rude brian

how dare you wait

so was terry

not naked in the she was just basically

and she was like she

doesn’t have any ass her ass was

not as protection program

her ass was nowhere to be seen her ass

well except for the one

sitting on the

table like trying to

squish her butt to make it

but i wasn’t buying it

it’s so funny that’s a bravo

showed me that move

well that’s a

famous move when they don’t have an ass you

gotta sit on the table

yeah we’re talking about that

it’s hilarious

yeah man i mean it’s like

you know a certain point in time you gotta go

you know what are you really showing me

that’s not really a

picture of someone

it’s not really what they look like

i’ve seen what what she looks like

that’s not what she looks like right

why is she look like that scarface

is it like a

is it really not her body in the

it’s her body but it’s so airbrushed

it’s crazy like skin isn’t look my nose

pores it’s not like you know

apparently like she got in

shape and she got her act together

and that’s why she wanted to do this that’s what her

i totally understand that but your

who really wants to see that

who really wants to see

like fake stuff

i would way rather see a girl who

doesn’t look that hot

but she’s real

like i can see her skin that’s like hotter

you know a girl that even that isn’t in that good of

shape but she had a little

roll of fat but you see her real skin you know i’m

saying that’s hot

like that airbrush

is not even a little hot there’s nothing hot to it

you can’t you can’t get past the law you’re being told

it’s like the lie so great

that you looking at it you like

what i even seen i’m not even get anything from this

you know it’s like

it’s like fake fire like we’re i don’t feel the heat

there’s nothing there

you know that’s what it’s like

it’s just the

fucking much it really does nothing for you to

like when you see that it just

right it loses its

effect you know

like saying the person and it’s like how can playboy

still be a business

awesome because like people look at that

and they go

oh let’s see what this looks like see what her

photos look like no look at it at the

storm like oh

oh i’m not buying that

how are you people still

well they have a big

piece of plastic around the

magazine we can’t do that

it won’t let you look at it because

if you look at it no one’s gonna

buy there’s always one

issue that’s okay

there’s always one asshole like you

have you ever done that be honest no i have

never done that

i’ve never done that how dare you i

think when i was a kid i used to do it to take like a

bonus video game that they would put in

the game game magazines

yeah i never

i keep telling people that i’m

gonna answer the questions on my own form and i

never do so i’m gonna go to that

right now just to check it out

cause every now

and then some

guy some real have a good question

you guys are going australia

next week yeah

do you like your goatsy

flyer i made

did you even notice there’s a goatsy on that flyer no

i’m a crocodile dundee

oh is a road

it goes down and there’s no goats

on the bottom oh how dare you

okay a lot of these questions suck

no they don’t suck just

well too stoned would you ever desire to

be a porn star joe

is desire be a porn sting

steve oh says

no i don’t want anybody looking at my penis

i get very insecure

i just i don’t want to

think that you’re thinking about you come

here if the money was right would you ever do porn

nobody would want to see that

i would like to see it i mean

i would do somebody look to see what

i wouldn’t charge you all

right that’s right ladies and gentlemen

thanks been a good show

we really get with each other um

have you brian

everyone’s thought

about it at one you know what you thought

about it at one point well what’s it like do that yeah

i met a lot of gay porn

gay porn stars a lot of

met a lot of dudes

i met a lot of dudes who

how do you have ever met a gay porn star

when webcams first started

becoming big i had sex with this girl on a webcam

and this is before like when it was brand new

and i had i remember like 48 what year was this

what year if i could google it

that’s like 95 96

i like that’s what all

these rooms were just did website

ninety five something

like that ninety five ninety six really so it was like

fifty six k

in your streaming it wasn’t

it was probably faster than

fifty six k by then i

think it was

right like first

broadman but

like i remember having sex

with this girl

and i was more just so i

could have how many people watch it i

think it was like

fifty people in there

but i remember i was like dude

come to the camera

i never thought like anyone

would be able to record it i

never thought it

would have gotten this

crazy like what that

was back then we had such a feeling of innocence back

oh he was so innocent back

then well it was i

never do it now just

think about just the feeling of

connection that you have with

human beings now just because of twitter

just because it

shit like you

stream just

cause it shit like this

the connection

that we have now is nothing like it was back then

it’s really hard to imagine that that

was only fourteen years ago it seems like it was like

that was seems like a long jump in in in

human evolution as far as like you know our

culture our technology

it’s pretty big goddamn jump yeah

you know i’m just

going to have her

to shit like this you just do something like this

just put it on

this little social

media site and all

these people

watch it and

people download it

later and watch it

later yeah it’s incredible

it’s fucking nice i

just can’t i

still can’t get over that you had a webcam

in 95’s original geek man

he’s old school bro he’s old

school how big was a webcam

it was pretty big it actually was a lie to

tech and i think it was like about this

about that pig was this huge logitech

eye yeah it was

yeah wow yeah

dude i had a

t one mind in my

house in ninety eight

damn yeah i had to get a

t1 line installed in my house but i needed faster

here here’s how

funny they didn’t know

about technology when aol

first came out with instant messaging where you

could type to your friends kind of like text messaging

they used to have a guy’s voice i’d be like

instant message

every time you got a message

so so oh hi how’s it going i nice to see you

send a number instant

every single i remember like the

first couple months it was okay

you know but then it got to the

point it’s it’s it was like no way to turn it off

i learned how to type fast

from typing in like irc when we’re playing

quake and playing you know quain

quake to learn how to type fast

because you know you you’re typing like in

real time and having a conversations in real time right

you know eventually that’s just

gonna be straight

speech to text

yeah or just

to straight speech

but the problem is

change speech

and everybody will be talking over but everybody else

i mean like

xbox live that’s how it is you sit there with like

thirty people people like

mom will kill that bitch

it’s like it’s

great it’s like

a party chat

with a bunch of retard

well that’s how it is

you know quake

quake is not like that quake

at least quake

maybe the new

ones will be like that but they don’t have a

voice over i

think one of the reasons is because it

would it would eat

up more bandwidth and it probably make the game slower

doesn’t make the game slower

well back then that would

think so but nowadays you have

twenty megapites

rented up your ups

your ups two

megabytes to

have to that’s

still way more than

yeah but it

quake every goddamn


a ping counts

voices like one

twenty eight

this is geek talk

ladies and gentlemen

is that a game with

these bitches

talking about

yeah like a lot of people and like well

some games are like

thirty people in a room

and you can talk to each

other yeah yeah well whoever’s on your team

right with everybody talks

brian do you play xbox live

i don’t play xbox live i used to have a real problem

quick i used to play

quick like eight

hours a day

so i’ve been um

i played quake two i

started on quake two but i actually like

quake one better

but then nobody was playing

quake one and then

we played quake

three with quake

three came out that was the that was probably

the most fun one to play

that was the hey day

the quake three

cause quake

three was like more complicated


look cooler it was a combination of one and two

those those fucking games are so goddamn addictive

because you’re playing live

you log on if you

never play quake before you log on

you you know you have all your

settings and your computer for like you know your mouse

speed and all this jazz get comfortable with it

then you log on and you jump into a fucking

three dimensional world

where you have earphones okay and in

these earphones you hear

sounds to the right

that means someone’s to your

right dudes are

shooting at you rocket launchers and fucking

lightning guns

and it’s a dark fucking

hallway you’re

running down and dudes are hiding and they’re fucking

blasting you

it’s fun as fuck

it’s so fun see i’m so surprised that you’re

not you’re into that but you’re not into something like

modern warfare 2

oh it’s not that i

wouldn’t be into it i

would love to do it

the problem is i don’t want to get addicted to anything

yeah i had a real problem getting

addicted to quake

wait sure it’s incredible

and that’s something

you like even though you get addicted to it

yeah you probably get addicted

but it’s so

amazing i don’t

have any time man i don’t want to do that that’s

my games was quaking

really is it

a game system or was it yes

no it’s for your pc

for your pc yeah you um

you know you know it’s just

you have a real good graphics card on

a play it with all the

all the fancy shit on all the lights

but you can play it in a decent

where it would look decent

you know if your computer wasn’t as good

but if you had a good computer and a good video card

oh my god it’s staggering

in high resolution you have dudes

would explode

you rail gun them and

their body explodes

and a spray of

blood is fucking


lightning bolts are flying through the air

and the the

shadows the fucking

lightning bolts create

shadows in the walls and shit yep

that mad modern

warfare 2 you’re in something that really looks exactly

exactly like lax yeah you’re sitting there just fucking

clowning people down and there’s just

crazy i mean

you’re fucking at a starbucks is this

fucking little mugs that you can

break into see i

would rather be a

space station or xbox it’s a pc xbox

i think it’s vibrating

everything the

thing the thing i like

about quake is it

doesn’t even seem remotely real

you know you’re rocket launching you

could rocket jump

you take your rocket launcher

right and you pull it at the ground

and jump at the same time you go flying through the air

that’s my favorite shit to do

that was my favorite

shit to do is to go rocket i rocket

jump the fuck i just it was so much fun did you do halo

no i played halo for a little bit but

again i don’t

wanna get addicted

today i never got too much in a halo it’s alright but

modern warfare two is just fucking

you can’t beat

this guy says call of duty is way too slow

that’s what i like

about quake it’s

so goddamn fast it’s nothing like real physics too slow

when you’re walking down the hallway

you know how

you’re running out if you’re running down a hallway

would be like this

what quake it’s like

you’re flying

you sorry cat get up

you you can fucking run i mean you

could fly through

the air man dude you’re flying and jumping left and

right and say to me that’s just like

twitch gaming it’s just like

yeah the fuck’s

going on fucking fun man it’s fun

yeah i like i like it realistic i like it you’re

going into this

world like you’re

going into avatar

world and then you’re just you

think you’re playing through this lax

right and then

i come in with my rocket launcher and fuck you

right in the ass

your game is stupid

a dude from quake

there would be no competition if you fought a dude from

modern duty call of warfare whatever the fuck you’re

watching whatever games you are

you can take a quick

space marine

and have a fight with these dudes

the space we

need to take a couple shots bro

they have like a hundred and fifty

you know life points

you can’t just kill him with one bullet

and he’s gonna rocket launch you in the fucking head

and you’re gonna explode

that game is dumb

the quake games more fun

they’re more durable

they have more abilities their weapons are way crazier

the physics are like they’re not even

on this planet it’s like they’re running across the

moon you’re talking

about an old

school gaming

that’s so outdated right now

how dare you

how dare you say it’s outdated

quake will never die how dare you

quake will never die

quake four is not outdated

graphically that’s not outdated oh yeah compared to

today’s games

is it really quake

four oh it’s way outdated

today’s game

john carmack

my brother please i’m sorry

forgive him

for he knows not what he says

no i mean graphic wise really

way i don’t know you you could be

right i was watching the

aliens and predator demo that they showed the last ufc

was sponsored by aliens and predators

the video game

holy shit that looks good yeah but see even that’s like

not considered

not top of the show no

god damn the graphics are incredible yeah

i remember when

used to like when anybody used to be able to tell

what was the

most advanced shit you know like i’m saying like

an amateur doesn’t really know what’s

going on you’d see something be like oh that’s

definitely the newest

clearly but now the

levels of it it’s

it’s too advanced where like

like i’m not an

expert but i’m not like somebody who’s

never seen video games

i can’t tell at all

the differences

i can’t tell

like i’ll see something like that looks amazing yeah

like that’s oh fives

like really

yeah the ufc

game that we were

turning into a parent

they do this

you become i’m not letting go of my child

child in me i got to make sure i’m up with all the shit

when we um went to work for the ufc

uh on the video game

when they showed us the video game the

first time they showed us the video game was

chuckleddell versus rampage

and for one second

i looked at it i want i don’t remember this footage

like i thought it was a fight

for once one second i thought it was a fight

oh my god never seen a fight from this angle

i was thinking that to myself

and then when oh shit this is the game

and then once they

start moving i mean you can pretty much tell it’s

video game but

it’s it was so much better than i expected it to be

right and that was couple years ago right

yeah they’re gonna be it they’re

gonna have some shit that looks just like like a cgi

movie you know some of the

games almost really look real

like it’s incredible

what is like what

right now is the newest most amazing shit

mass effect two is pretty

badass but uh

is that like a

fighting that’s like a role playing type

fighting game but

um the one for ps three that just came out uncharted to

drake’s fortune that is like watching

being in a movie

pretty much really now

if you look at like avatar

what they did with avatar is they took the

actors and the actors made all the faces and then they

put it through a computer and then created

these blue people

they’re probably

gonna start doing it with

video games they

already do that with

video they did it

most video games

no but not like the way they’re doing it without

not to the probably the

level that maybe avatar

did but some

of the games they map out the facial features

and everything just

started from

started i think from

video game i just play the

tiger was golf

ten ten but that’s

gonna be greetable

yeah like when they

cut to like

the him like his face yeah and then they make they like

like if he has a bad like if you

have a bad shot then he goes like they have his voice

layered into it obviously

right so he actually makes a face goes like tiger

yeah you like oh god

like it looks like the dude

right there

freaks you out

like you see the

sweat dripping off of them and

everything i feel

bad for that dude there’s

very few people that i feel bad for in public sandals

that are outside of like death

very few people

i feel bad for him because i

think the dude

got drowned on

he got poured on

more than any guy in the history of the free

world so many

white shooting

that want him out of golf

because he’s just destroying the

sport because he’s pretty much just

you can’t beat

tiger you know

so there’s so

many people that are attacking he knows that

he’s got so much

money he’s at home fucking washing his face with

money and pussy

so you know he’s not at home

right now he’s in a sex addiction

oh he’s out of that

when did he get out of that

two days ago

so you don’t

think that that was like painful damn

to have this all all the

people hating on

i don’t think so i i mean

sure i think it’s gonna

this whole life was

based on his image

his image was also they sold it to

giant corporations it was so

squeaky i think i

think the main

thing he’s mad

about is his

wife finding out and all that

stuff like that but i

think if you got in

trouble or if you

got all this attention for something as being a pimp

i don’t think you’re

gonna be like oh damn i

slept with a

bunch of people now everybody knows

that sucks for my wife i think i

think it was very painful i

think you’re

wrong i think i

think you’re very much

idealizing and not putting a

human being in that situation

you put a human being in that situation no

no i mean it sure it sucks but i mean dude

he’s never had any negative he’s

gonna come back

from this so fast it’s

gonna be yeah

he’ll definitely jump out you

know golf wants him back more than anything all

right he’s the best

thing for golf though

yeah well i

think i think he is to a

point but i don’t

every he wins everything

but i say i

win everything he

doesn’t mean he’s the best golfer ever but there’s

there’s got

no idea golfer

golf needs in the

crazy there he’s a

superstar i don’t know anything

about golf tell me this does he lose i

mean what percentage of

everything does

he win but he

using kills

he’s he’s he plays his best at the highest

stake turn but he he does

phenomenal i don’t know the

exact numbers

but like he lose

though he lose

right but he’s the most he wins more than any

he win way more than he ever loses yeah

but i mean he wins more than he loses way

more really way more

i don’t know the

exact numbers

he loses tournaments all the time though he

doesn’t win

yeah but he wins way more

well even in pool

even in pool

the very best guys don’t always win

you know in pool especially

pools tricky

like they play like race to ten race to eleven

like to find out like

which guys better

you really have to play like a race to a hundred

you know it’s like then then the

stronger player

their their definite

strengths will will overcome like whenever you see like

like real good guys

match up they

match up for a lot of

money this is a

website called the action report dot com i love

watching guys gamble on pool

so one of my favorite

things to watch cause

cause i grew up playing pool

so watching

these guys in the action port dot com they’ll set

these dudes up

and they’ll play for like two or three days

and they have like a race to a hundred

and they’ll you know they’ll bet like

twenty thousand dollars

and you know for

these dudes that’s a lot of fucking money man

and they play it out and it’s it’s very

exciting man

if you like pool

but if you don’t like pool it’s deaf

what is the yeah

what is the what is the site

called it’s

called the action report theactionreport com

you guys have

a gambling on pool

super cool guys too

they banked all

their money into

putting together matches

and they they it’s all

legal because it’s really like a two man tournament

no you call it gambling when it’s not

they’ve set up it’s

a tournament it’s just a tournament with two guys in it

and they put

their entry fee in

and they play for the interview what

did they do from

different places

different pool halls different you know different

places 20 000 yeah

and they section it as a tournament you know

and you know that way it’s it’s all totally

legal like you can play pool in tournaments

everybody puts in you know a hundred

bucks five hundred

bucks whatever the

entry fee is

they pull all that

money together and they give it to the winner

i mean it really

is a form of it’s just like gambling you know

i mean just

you have to

report that

money i have

friends that make a living doing that max everly

who makes a living playing in pool tournaments you know

max everly just won

three thousand dollars playing up in san francisco

is playing a big one in

la this weekend

this is gotta be boring as fuck for people

johnny boy 05 10 says

tiger banged those chicks for one reason he could

definitely i definitely think that’s the case

i mean i think the

truth is most people

that look like that dude

that grew up the way that guy did

and that lived in that guy situation

would probably

just as nuts as he is

and probably

fuck just as many of the girls that he fucked

probably you

would go crazy

he’s an amazing athlete

right an amazing game

player amazing at golf amazing

right a very intricate difficult complicated game

if he’s obsessed with

things like that

for sure if

that guy is that good that he’s better than all

these other people that are obsessed with the game too

for sure that guy’s nuts

you know you almost have to be

to be that good at something you have to have a level

of concentration you have to have a

level of obsession

that for sure is

gonna bleed over into

other areas

of your life into your relationships you know

of a guy who’s a fanatic

who’s obsessed with working out

might also be obsessed with fucking

you know or

might i also be obsessed with gambling

you know i mean a lot of pro athletes

have like big big gambling problems a lot of them

and it’s the same

thing it’s that obsession with competition

you know the trying to win trying to get it you know

that that same mindset

transfers over to everything

transfers over to

how you approach arguments you know how how you how you

learn you know whether or not you

you know you’re honest with yourself

guys he’s gotta be nuts

anybody who’s the best

at whatever thing

i think is nuts too and to

i mean not a bad nuts

not like we’re criticizing people for being amazing

we’re just saying that almost everybody who’s like

you know you get to like like

you know the highest

levels of any

sport there’s something

about those dudes like

okay here’s a perfect example

the everybody

thinks the best


is this guy this russian guy fatal or a million income

and what he’s most

known for and

you know you

talk to a lot of people they’ll say he’s the best

pound for pound

fighter in the

world i think it’s probably anderson

silva but i

could see the argument for it being him

i think gsp

and bj penn

or more likely because i

think they’re facing

well it’s a

tough argument you know he

doesn’t have the best competition

over there because he’s kind of in a situation

where the best guys are

fighting in the ufc

so the guys that he’s

fighting they’re not really totally on his

level or they used to be and now they’ve

slid off a little bit but he’s

known for this insane mindset

he’s known for his

uh his ability to just like overcome anything and be

super calm like

while he’s doing it

you know that like he’s in the in this like zone

it is no it

doesn’t make any facial expressions you know nothing

yeah you think

do you think

he is the best though or no

uh he’s one of the best

for sure but there’s something

about that the ability to go to war

with somebody with like a dead face like dead calm like

for sure there’s a discipline

to it and for sure it’s something that he’s

learned over time

but also he might be

crazy as fuck

how about that how

about he he

might be fucking crazy

you know i mean he

might be so

smart and so into

you know winning and and and beating dudes at

fighting and so

capable of crossing

boundaries that

others aren’t willing to

cross that he

might just be insane

that must might be why he

doesn’t even get angry

while he’s doing

it he beats the fuck out of everybody and then he’s

super sweet

it draws like cartoons for his

daughters and shit

yeah you know i think that

probably the

most the most vicious guys in business to have the same

mentality like the guys that

take over companies and like you know

like they have like

whoever probably

runs google is probably like somebody who’s

obsessive and

and has like a killed

mentality well

definitely ceos for corporations oh yeah

they’re like hitmen

you see that new show what a

great idea for

a show by the way we take ceos of big companies

and then they go

undercover and

work for the company like that guy from hooters

is going to be

like go to all

these restaurants and act like he’s a fry cook

and he’s gonna work

just gonna check out

everything and whoa and

dude it’s awesome

undercover show yeah

it’s where they take the ceo of real companies and they

put them in

the company

undercover boss

yeah and a good boss

that’s hilarious what a

great idea it was

great that first episode was like

waste management the biggest

waste management company ever is called wm or

waste management

waste management

and he went down he was like

shoveling shit out of fucking

trolley or shit

and did they know that he was that

guy no no i did

and then he came back and all the guys

were great work

stuff the game

raises gave him

promotions and

fixed everything they were

bitching about

they actually trying to figure out what’s

what’s it called

undercover boss it’s on cbs on

sunday yeah what a

great idea was really good actually

that’s what really what what’s

wrong with people man

what really

wrong with like

harshness and and and people being insensitive to

other people

people that

work for them is that they don’t have to live a day in

their lives

you know you don’t have to if you did

you would you

would be you

know much kinder you know it’s so easy to look at like

people that are like

starving in foreign countries

and all the fucking

crazy shit that’s going on

liberia and all

these different parts of the

world that are in

constant chaos and turmoil and

starvation and

you don’t you don’t feel it because it

doesn’t affect you

cause on a day to day basis

doesn’t affect you

but if you had to go over there and live like that

just for one week

live like they

lived my god

you know we

would realize i can’t wait to see this hooters

one because i

guess it’s just like a

bunch of managers

totally like

making the chicks do a

bunch of shit they’re not supposed to do and

stuff like i

heard it’s bad

yeah like sexual shit will know

about by the

trailer the guy goes

the managers

like y’all want to go home

early today up

tall as a little

hooters girls

and they’re

like yeah he’s like you have to play my reindeer games

and then he’s making them eat out of

plates with no hands like a beans

so they like pigs eating out of a

trough just so

the company

is watching

he’s playing he’s playing undercover

he’s a fucking bus boy or something oh my god

it’s so great yeah he’s like managers of real pig

wow that’s amazing

the rest that’s

gonna be amazing

yeah there’s some douchebags out there oh my god

there’s could

you imagine like why

would you want to work a

place like that

doesn’t want to work in a

place like that if you’re something well

unless it’s a good job you know if you’re like a

bar manager type dude and they offer you a good job

order i don’t know what hooters pay so

maybe they pay really well

but you know

that’s a that’s a

weird place to go into in the first

place it’s like you want to go to

strip club but not really

and you know you

might be with your

girlfriend and she’ll come on we’re

going to be fun you want to

have you heard that

obsession of chicken at the same time you

chase on hollywood

and highlands and you

sports club is open

when all the girls are

dressed up as

like school girls no

yes they’re all

dressed up a

school girl did you tell us about this

i feel like

somebody told

mario told me

this here’s the

thing man even if you like

even if the idea of that is like cool to you

and you go if you go somewhere like that you’re

gonna be like i feel like an asshole

yeah i mean like having at a bar where they’re

dressed as schoolgirls you’re not gonna feel

right cool about that

right i had an idea once for a pizza place

called pizza sluts worth

all pizza delivered by girls in bikinis pizza slut

pizza sluts

yeah i wanted to put it on

sunset and have like super hot chicks

you pay them like fifty dollars an hour

and they walk

around and you know and tips and then they get tips

and they walk around bikini serving pizza

that’s all crazy

you should do that

listens out there you can have

whoever wants it

just let me have a free

piece of pizza and it’s all yours

no man i get nervous

i don’t want to open up any kind of business

people come up to me with business ideas and like just

stop part right now

script ideas all the time

remember that one dude that’s like a usc

script you know it’s a

yeah they get

mad if i won’t read it and i go listen man i don’t

have the time to read ninety pages of your shit i’m not

an agent and i’m not acting so i’m not

gonna read it

they get mad give me

a chance man somebody give you a chance like whoa dude

you’re asking for an hour and a half of my time it’s

gonna take me ninety minutes

to read this

stupid thing

and i don’t even know you and i want to act

so what the fuck is the

point of this

everybody wants someone else

to help them everybody wants someone else to get you

know get them in the

in the door in hollywood the

crazy thing is i’m not even in the door in hollywood

i barely exist in this world

i i do the commentary

for the ufc

which is totally outside of hollywood

that’s sports

i’m a fucking

sports broadcaster

you know and then

stand up comedy

both of them are totally outside

so how am i

gonna help you get a

movie started

what am i doing you know

when was last time i i act in that

kevin james

thing that’s the only

movie i’ve ever i did two

other movies

and no one ever saw them

one of them i don’t

think it ever came out

well maybe came out like five years

after we did it was terrible

it’s called

venus in vegas

and another one

forget with it

frank but klusky see i

it was a it

could have been really funny but

the the ceos

or whoever the fuck they were the

the producers

these the dude i remember this dude in cufflinks

his fat rolex like this beautiful

expensive watch and this

really sweet

cufflinks and he had

what are those straps

fuck are those

things called suspenders

had suspenders on

and this kid who is the the lead of the

movie is doing the scene

and this guy’s telling

don’t do like that do it like this like

hey what are you guys doing

he is giving line readings

this dude was giving line readings

to this kid this really

funny comedian who was the lead in the

movie i was like wow this

thing is going to go

right in the toilet

so it was basically like

all these people put all this

money up to make this movie

and then they wanted to have a say in it

because the kid

who is the the lead in it was not that big of a name

right and they just fucked it up man

it’s fascinating to

watch shit like that that’s what makes you like really

appreciate comedy

you know that nobody can fuck our shit up you just

you write it you grow up you do it’s yours

you know i can tell you do it this way

don’t you appreciate that

of course i

do that though

you get good

well you you have to work

those sometimes was that

what you said

what’s that called

where is it


pennsylvania yeah

it’s a they go

like they like don’t curse

and then you like what’s the

place called

juniors juniors

and what part of pennsylvania erie

erie juniors

and erie they go no

swearing no

swearing they go don’t

like whatever is a

clean show you like all

right and then like

in case you forgot six more times before you get up

hey man don’t forget and you’re like no i

heard you the

first five times

and then like

after the show they’re like

but didn’t you suggest

something like didn’t you did you make a joke about

like tits or something you’re like no

like somebody said you did

you’re like no i

think i said something

about like my i said

i looked like i have a breast or something

and they’re like oh

okay well you know just

try not to lean so like don’t even like

to say something

suggestive or

could be perceived as

you know and you get a speech

about it and you’re like

wow for how much

i get like a hundred thousand for like four

damn man that’s awesome

for not a lot how

about how crazy is that is that

they hire comics and want them to well i guess

as long as the

comic like does that normally

as long as like you advertise

yourself as

doing a squeaky

clean show then i can

understand that well you just

they hired this guy to they hire you

under those circumstances or

under that they hired agreement

asking can he do can he be clean

okay so you took the gig i

took the game

i took the game

still sucks

it still wasn’t

there was a

place that i do when i was

starting out in boston

when i do twenty minutes and i had to be squeaky

clean i found was


it was interesting

but i was like i’m not really

accurately representing myself i feel like

oh yeah yeah and it’s not and here’s the

thing i took it for work

to get the work

right but it

the whole week

at no part is that fun like it’s not fun to do

not because

you can’t say a word you want to say but because

someone told you like

restrict yourself censor yourself like you

just feel like and they’re

watching you yeah

the whole deal

about comedy is that comedy

is good the

best comedy

comes from like

the loosest mind when you lose you’re not

worried about shit you’re not feeling

you know you know

you know thinking that you have to you know

watch your step because someone’s

watching you and can’t say certain

things that’s a fucking disaster yeah

and i asked the

the guy who runs it i go what does

that do you ever like have to fire somebody

and he was like oh yeah

because i was like this

has to backfire

because they’re really

strict about it

and they hired you know the he’s a

comic the black

comic who’s on

this last season of curvier enthusiasm

you know talking

about yeah yeah you know his name

hilarious yeah really funny guy

you know his name

really funny guy

well he they

hired him and they told him he was like yeah yeah yeah

and then he

got up there according to the manager the club was like

so then i said this

motherfucker like what the fuck like just

that’s like

like a hundred fucks in the

first ten minutes

and they got

stage and they’re like what the fuck man

the gosh and he was like he’s like that’s awful

and they’re like you

gotta go just fire him like go home that’s

all right just like what’s his name

god he’s really fucking

great he lived with

larry remember

i haven’t watched that show

he was also

he’s in puti tang

yeah what is the if you look at puti

tang will probably be what is

the show kirby yeah

um so yeah he is kind of like a

it’s like a stage name

right like it’s a fuck it’s not his real name remember

they’re all the same to me

how dare you that’s terrible how dare you that’s not

funny right you’re an asshole

you’re an asshole

um well they only show the the top five

i stopped watching a while ago i don’t know why

you hear that

dude died from the ice fishing show yeah in a

stroke will you go to


and i want bd

and then do

do pooty tang

captain phil harris

that sucks yeah

and all right if you go down

that’s pretty smooth

jb smooth that is hilarious yeah jb

smooth i work with that dude when i was living in

in new york oh really yeah he was hilarious he’s

funny we did i got a funny story

about him we did a college together once and

this is when

i was um i was dating this chick

and she’s like to complain a lot

and it would really get on my nerves and i would

bring her to gigs with me sometimes

and she would like

complain like as we’re driving out there and i was just

i get in a shitty

frame of mind

so we get to the this this college it’s in the

middle of nowhere it’s really hard to get to new jersey

i’m listening

this chick complaining like i’m like you know

you got to be positive like when you’re negative around

me all the time it makes me negative and it’s not

funny on stage yeah

you know i’m

sorry you know that i’m just expressing myself

it’s just so

annoying so we sit down

and they go well the opening act jb

smooth is lost

so we’re gonna we’re

gonna wait till he gets here so once you sit down just

watch tv for a while

okay okay cool

so i sit down i

watch this fucking documentary on the malibu fires

and there’s all

these people

and there’s

these fucking kids and the kids are looking for

their dog and they’re walking around

these burnt down

buildings there’s like

skeletons of buildings

they’re like

rosco rosco

they’re yelling out for their dog

and this guy

is fucking crying

his eyes out this guy work for the fire department

cause he was talking

about how everything he ever had in his

world all his life he worked towards

building this

house like this was a dream

it took him you know

twenty years to

build it he

build it by hand him and his brother

and now it’s done it’s just

wrecked it’s gone


black and charred

everywhere you look moscow

where are you

and i’m bombed out

well jb smooth obviously is not

gonna come here so we’re just gonna

start the show now and you just you’ll go out

and i guess if he gets here

he’ll go after you

i go okay okay okay

i didn’t know

back then do you can’t

watch shit like that and just go on

stage i would

prepare myself

like like now if i was

watching something on

stage and it was

starting to buy me a dollar

i would have to get out of the room

i’m like i’m not gonna

put my mind in this frame

you know where

these people are

their dog burped to

death and they

lost all their possessions

their whole life’s dream is

grown man in his 50s with a mustache as weeping

and then i went right on

stage and just ate dick

i wasn’t even a little funny

there was nothing that i

could have possibly said that was funny

i just didn’t

think anything was funny

i i had a two hour

uh drive with a chick

bitching at me

then i watch

twenty minutes of people crying

cause their

house is gone

and then i go on

stage it was just

death but jb

smooth went on right

after me and destroyed

destroyed there was like such a

stench in the room for my performance

it was so flat and so

inspired and i was so i so didn’t want

and the people that paid to see me

they were so bummed out because they had like told

their friends how

funny i was

because they saw me at naka

there was a naka convention this is like this

association of college

campus activities

thing where you

you know you perform

and then they

would send you out to all

these different

colleges all across the country was really good money

and well i had done the

the conference and i killed i fucking destroyed

and so i got all

these colleges for it and this was one of

those colleges

and these people like well you really killed it naka

yeah i killed it i fucked

sorry i fucked up

was disastrous

but jb smooth went on

after me just

about here to comedy

i’m not think he’s in new york

dude is so funny

got some of the best facial expressions ever

rogan that ice

shit was hilarious by the way oh

i think it’s got

taken on its own little

thing ridiculous and

it how funny is

that about this was that dad

there was a fight

aired on spike tv

where this dude had

a bag of ice on the dude’s head in between the corner

and the bag broke

and ice went everywhere

and i’m like oh

g we got a problem like look at this is ice everywhere

and these guys

start picking up the ice but they’re

stumbling and

dropping the bucket and i start i

start doing like play by play i’m like it’s a goddamn

three stooges look

at these guys

and apparently

you know we’re just

killing time while they

clean up ice

basically i’m like let me just

entertain whether

clean up ice let me just make fun of this

and now it’s like this youtube clip it’s all over the

place really it’s great

what sucks of being in the audience you can’t hear you

right so i had no idea any of this was going on

right so that’s just

sucks you know what next time i’m

gonna get you guys

those things yeah

yeah tell me so much you guys

those things yeah i don’t know how

those things work

maybe you can you’ll probably

figure out a way to improve it oh yeah this is good

here’s the problem

wi fi america yeah

yeah well there is a wi fi that’s available

in the he’s like headphones

in the arena

yes there is it’s an ear

thing like a little like a

sort of like an ipod

and you sit there and you can listen to the commentary

while it was all

going on that

would be better than yeah

they kind of

streaming it

would be so much better if it was on i heard that

spilled bag of ice is talking shit on the internet

heard you talk a lot of shit on twitter

and ain’t cool bro

that’s not professional okay

yeah it’s got some

so yeah he’s got a

spill bag of ice

is a twitter

page has got like five hundred followers already

it’s hilarious

you should follow

brian because red band

is trying to bump up his count

and he’s very upset

that more people aren’t

what are you up to him

uh like eleven hundred damn dude you’re way more

what are you at

like four something twitter

so hard to get people well yeah follow tom segura

ladies and gentlemen

this name down here i

point to come on

where is that thing

can you see

yeah i like that

is a serious

delay here yeah up more

anyway i’m got it please

uh ice is commentary

at ufc one night with me yeah how

funny is that that became such a big deal

pants on the floor

i saw that’s one thing that

um that does come in handy being a comedian and being

a commentator at the same time when something fucks up

i can at least make fun of it

you do that a lot you should do it more it’s this some

well it’s not appropriate you know i only do it

where it’s appropriate my job is to

to represent what’s

going on my job is to represent what’s

going on in the fighting it’s not my job to like

stick my personality into that

you know when it’s appropriate

then i do it

but you can’t

look for like you ever

watch when dennis miller did the monday

night football yes

and he would like throw jokes in a lot

right jokes

that will be

funny as if your conversations with mike were

kind of like you scripted

yeah i know

that you do it already sometimes like when mike

will say something you call him out on it but you know

but if you just

kind of did that more because sometimes he says some

yeah i sometimes i have to let it go though i have to

because like we’re in the middle of moving something

along someone’s getting

into the octagon you know the fight is

about to take place

i don’t wanna

i like that side talk that you guys yeah

i do too but we

gotta do it

you know what it’s best when the

fights are boring

when you have a boring

fight then you can

start talking shit

right you know and you can be like

this isn’t the most

exciting fight i’ve ever seen in my life like i’ll say

things like that you know

on occasion if it’s

a boring one

do you find

yourself also trying to find up like new sayings to say

cause you always

have to say seems like yeah

he has a heart of gold or something like that

also just country music song

he has the heart of gold

he is the spirit of a

tiger i mean do you have a heart of

love there you have a bunch of animals no

i say the heart of a lion because it’s a genuine

expression right

you start making expressions up

as a warrior spirit of the nation

you should do that no

man nobody wants to hear that

that’s not me though

but there is a dude that’s michael

chevello the guy that does

dream he does all the commentary for

dream and he does k1

he’s really hilarious because he’ll he’ll like

make stuff up but it’s really funny coming for him

like when this guy was throwing hooks goes

more hooks than a pirate’s convention

like he said

like that that’s great but it’s funny the thing

about dennis miller was that his were obscure yeah

i was like the

style that whole

style of comedy that

whole style like i know much more than you do and

you know you’re

gonna pretend

that you know as much as i do you’re you’re in the

you’re on the inside so you’re

gonna laugh at the joke

right exactly

then if it’s not even a joke just a

reference do you hear

brian’s example of

a specific one though

it’s like the constitution page two

that was his idea being obscure

yeah page two


not a line from it page two

it’s really

funny if you think

about how how

few people really

understand or have written

read the constitution i’ve

never read it have you ever read

ha i think i

might have i

never read the constitution yeah i

think you had your back you could

yeah maybe like do

you remember any of it i mean do you remember anything

about i remember

freedom of speech

i remember you’re supposed to be allowed to have

guns and you’re allowed to take up arms

against the government is not

legal something like that not like

second amendment

bill rights

it’s really kind of

crazy if you stop to think

about like how the

structure of our country though the whole

structure of our country is

made up in a

way that very few people have even looked into

yeah you talk

about it’s unconstitutional but

you know how many people have ever even read that shit

it’s gotta be like a minuscule

percentage and it’s so

crazy that we

stick with these laws

that were invented

like so many

hundred years ago

like why haven’t we come up with a better way

why haven’t we refined it

and made it

better just for the people like we hear like

new rulings like this

recent ruling that the supreme

court had where

they said that corporations can

spend as much

money as they want

on campaigns now

they’re just like an

individual they could

spend as much as they want that’s an insane

idea why would you

think that that

would be good for the

individual why

would you think that

would be good for

human beings in general

that’s only

gonna be good for the corporation of course you’re

gonna spend millions of dollars

cause the politician

who’s gonna get into office is

gonna do shit that he

doesn’t really

wanna do but you

asked him to do

which is why you got him in there in the

first place

you know hey i mean

nobody gets into office that isn’t playing the game

i mean it’s pretty obvious now you have to with obama

and obama’s a

smart fucking guy man

you know i saw him that

thing that he was doing

where the republicans

were questioning on shit and saying a

bunch of nonsense and he was just

correcting them left and

right and made them all look

stupid and did it without a teleprompter

and was calm as fuck

under pressure

and you watch that

kind of go god if this guy can’t even change anything

change anything

and everybody’s like bums public

obama’s public

maybe maybe or

it might be that he can’t fucking change anything

it might be that you the president is

yeah it’s just he is a

puppy yeah that’s the

whole point

the president

it might be that the president really is i mean

i think like jfk

tried to treat

the presidency as if he was like really the president

you know but i think bush

very obviously

accepted the position of the


very obviously

wasn’t paying attention

right very obviously

you know would make like critical mistakes

about shit the way he promoted

things and the way he

spoke about

things when he was you know

when he was off

script and he was a fucking dance

and then you had

cheney who was always hiding in the bunker

and his fucking

evil billionaire ceo character who was actively

making money

off the war

actively profiting

i mean that’s some incredible shit

and then when the company that he used to be the ceo of

then becomes the fucking company

that’s contracted to go to iraq and fix everything

jesus christ

and everybody goes

well that’s because you

know there’s the only company that’s qualified like oh

so what so what

so what fire up a new company that’s

crazy the guy can’t make

money as the

vice president from fucking war

and then obama comes in the office and you

gotta go like well

you know it’s like he ain’t fixing shit

you know what is what is he

changing sending

thirty thousand more people to afghanistan

you know i mean this

whole economic stimulus

when i hear them talk

about that i feel i feel angry

i feel like i’m getting fucked

right now and i don’t know i’m getting fucked

like the way they’re talking

about this and the

money that gets

unaffected the goldman sachs ceo

just got you

know some insanely

large bonus

it was reported online it

was 100 million dollars or something like that it was

some insane

bonus because they made so much money in

2009 they like

the record year

it’s incredible it’s all incredible

it’s all incredible

the whole idea that

you know that they

buy out all

these fucking banks

cause the banks are too big to fail and

where is all the money

going it’s all numbers

it’s all ones and zeros what the fuck is happening and

where’s it going

it’s all nuts like the whole

system is so chaotic

a system of finance that’s

based mostly on confidence

that’s a big part of it

you know cause for the longest time we didn’t have shit

we weren’t producing shit

but everybody was like confident that real estate

prices are gonna keep

going up so they keep buying them

and selling them to keep making

money so everybody’s confident

and meanwhile in the middle of all of it nothing is

going on there’s just

ones and zeros moving back

and forth we don’t even know what the fuck is happening

and it runs our

whole life you know

when the financial

system that the runs the

world it’s like so fucking complex that

a guy like bernie maidoff can fuck them all and steal

billions and billions of dollars and nobody knew

it’s absurd that’s insane billions and he didn’t

steal like fifty

grand he stole

fifty billion

and he had that much

yeah over decades

he had that much money

going on and no one knew what

the fuck was happening and he used to be the president

i think of the

stock exchange yeah yeah

the guy who’s like

in charge of it all was either

chairman or something like yeah it was some big

weird position at the yeah

it’s incredible man it’s really amazing

yeah it really is man it’s

i mean i used to

think before the market

crashed i thought well i don’t want to

spend too much time

thinking about you know

finances and politics because

it’s so complex

to really study it appropriately

you would have to

spend many many

hours every day

delving into all the different issues that are going on

all the different areas that merit attention

it’s like god damn it it’s more than a full time job

and if you have a family

if you have kids if you have a job if you have a hobby

if you have any friends

where are you coming up with that time

where are you coming up with that time you

gonna get obsessed with politics

you know i don’t have it do you have it no

who the fuck does

that’s incredible so the system

the system that that is running our our

whole lives

is one that we barely

understand and

haven’t even researched

you’d have to

do nothing but consume information all day long

to have even

remote chance to like really follow the ins

and outs so that’s in the same bucket as math with me

if my brain just

doesn’t work like that

and mac oh do you

think by the way that like

like i vote i don’t know i

voted for obama

and so i’ve been like you know i wanted to

succeed and do well and

everything but

and i don’t

here’s how out of it i am with the politics

that i don’t know if this is factual or not but

was his campaign part of it that like he

would withdraw troops

he wasn’t sending them

yeah like just

at least at the very

least it’s the opposite what you said you were going

no i think he did withdraw

troops but i

think he just

when everyone says he sent that many

troops afghanistan

he just withdrew

him and moved him over

well everybody knew it was bullshit everybody knew

it was bullshit

thirty thousand more now

right now right

i don’t know

what i i shouldn’t say everybody knew it was bullshit

but a lot of people knew that what he really was

gonna do is pull

troops out of iraq

and put more in afghanistan

cause they were saying that we’re

under under

trooped in afghanistan for what they’re trying to do

right but you know

it’s kind of

crazy that dude wins the nobel

peace prize

and then sends

thirty thousand more people to afghanistan

right afterwards

that’s just

bizarre i mean

it’s all even like not liking

him i just it

doesn’t make

sense to me that you would

award somebody a peace

prize just on

their on their

image well you know we

gotta pay attention

like everybody’s like well you

gotta look out for

where you know

things are happening you have protect american

you know interest and

protect america from terrorism all that good

stuff but listen

the scariest

goddamn threat to america is the mexican drug cartels

they’re right next door to us you can

drive to fucking mexico man it’s

right there

and if you live in san

diego it’s a goddamn

twenty minute drive

and you’re in another country

where they’re murdering people

every fucking day of the week

way crazier

victor davila the guy who does the spanish

version of my job he does the commentary for ufc

he told me that it’s five times more people have died

last year in 2009

in juarez and all the border towns all the murders and

all the gunfire that’s

going on between the cops and the bad guys

five times more

have died than in iraq and afghanistan combined ever

that’s insane that’s insane and it’s

right there

he said it’s nuts over there he said

you have to

drive around at

night with your dome

light on so that the drug cartels

they see they don’t wonder who

you are in the car they don’t just gun your car down

just to be sure

really yeah he said it’s nuts man

people drive around with their dome

lights on so

the drug guys can see inside

whoa that’s fucking terrifying

so you’re driving around

and they let you live well let him live let him live he

doesn’t have our guys in there oh

how scary is that shit that’s

right next door man

you know and the

reason why it all happened is because drugs are illegal

that’s the reason

why it all happened is you can you you got all

these fucking people that are willing to sell drugs

cause all these people want drugs

and the people that are

selling the drugs make billions and billions of dollars

and they don’t realize it a lot of people

think that’s all

cocaine the

biggest import from mexico in the

illicit drug

world is marijuana so

it’s the fact that that’s illegal

that fuels a lot i’m saying if you made

it legal in mexico and


you would you

would get rid of a lot of the violence and

things that go on because

the biggest

thing that’s being brought in is not coke

it’s marijuana so the fact that

these guys have

are doing this

because it’s illegal if they just made it legal you

would reduce violence by so much but you know what

they’re not

gonna they’re not gonna

cut down any laws they don’t

absolutely have to cut down

and if they

ease up restrictions on marijuana it’s

gonna take decades

it’s gonna be

statewide in

california first

and there’s

gonna be some contest to that and

maybe a couple

other states will

adopt it it’ll

never be national it’ll

never be federal because

they always need

those fucking people to work

they need those dea guys

those guys are

gonna make sure

that they’re in a position of

power they’re

gonna make sure

that they you know they keep a certain amount of jobs

every year and if you

close down marijuana you make marijuana legal

you make all drugs you dim

you criminalize all drugs

then you’re you’re

chopped down like more than half yeah

more than half the people in prison

today are in prison for non violent drug offenses sure

which is crazy when

you can go to cvs and get fucked up out of your mind

you go to cvs

you know and they have shelves

where they have fucking whiskey

just shelves

after just so much

whiskey you can

drink yourself to

death right

i go to cvs not to buy the cheapest

they have the

cheapest beer now

it’s crazy yeah

i mean it’s amazing that alcohol kills people

and yet we we don’t even bat an eye

at it being

right there on the corner in a in a convenience store

like hard hard shit

jack daniel’s wild

turkey and shit you know

right there

you know i mean

liquor stores


right there beer wine

drink yourself to death

but if they had weed people

would freak out

his fucking weed

here there is a difference when you think

about it there’s not one alcohol

where you could take one shot

and then to be out of your mind

panic attacks

might check yourself in the hospital for

you know cause you

think your heart

freaking out you know there’s

not one alcohol that will do that but yet there is weed

that you take one hit and you will

think you’re having a

especially if

you don’t smoke weed

yeah yeah there is a

glass of something you can drink

and like if you had a glass a

glass of it yeah i mean the

glass of it

eating a whole bag of weed

well that’s

the reason it the reason why

it’s good that

things are illegal is because

when things are

legal they have like really

clearly defined portions

right you know a beer you get a beards

twelve ounces whatever the hell it is you

crack it open there it is that’s a beer

if you have more

than one now you know it’s like when you have two beers

right you have two beers now be careful

you know like with weed

especially when you buy like

edibles you don’t know what you’re getting

you could get like some i’ve had a pot of lollipops

where i couldn’t even feel them

like i eat the

whole lollipop and two hours

later mike i

think i got a dud

like it was a dud

and then you’ll have a cookie

where you eat

half the cookie

and you’ll see

like cartoons fucking behind your eyelids like you

close your eyes

and you’ll see like

these animated cartoons like

wrestling and duplicating and moving

back and forth all around you and that’s how beyond

colors that’s how i felt at the last usc woo

it was a little bit too

strong i thought i was

gonna die we talked

about this before but it’s

worth talking

about cause it’s so

crazy and most people don’t know

about it when you eat marijuana

and this is very important for people who

think you know

i got two stone

you can get two

stone smoking

pot it’s totally different than getting two

stoned eating pot

getting two

stone eating pot is terrifying

because your body produces a chemical called

eleven hydroxy metabolite and when

apparently what happens is when you

smoke marijuana

this is what i read online

when you smoke marijuana

it has this

eleven hydroxy metabolite but it’s not psychoactive

but when you eat it

and it’s processed through your

liver and it goes in your

bloodstream it’s four times more potent than thc

four times more psychoactive

so that’s why you get so high eat a

brownie and you’re just like blitzkrieged like it’s

literally like higher than you can get smoking it

you know like it’s a different high too it’s like

it’s like real

it’s almost like mushrooms or something it’s really

self examining

you know real

self examinatory like you really

start like is that a word

self examinatory

sounds like a word

if it sounds like it’s a word

maybe right it should be

right that’s

freaked out

i freaked out with a cookie one time who

i was crying and

stuff like for

a long time

it was hours and

hours and hours yeah

yeah eddie had a cookie once that really

freaked him out and he

was doing this character this

it was a white rapper that puts

black face on

to be more street

and he was doing this character

and it was like the

ultimate wigger

he was like trying to

claim that he

really didn’t have makeup on but he did it was pretty

funny actually

and he ate the cookie

and got so paranoid because of this video

he started to

freak out and thought the

black people were

gonna come and get him and they were

gonna hate him he was racist

he was like like

ready to cry ha ha

and when he was talking

about he was like you know

that’s funny

oh it’s so funny how when

you get high like i got high once and i thought about

some shit i said

about steven seagal

i always like making fun of steven seagal

i was being like really mean

and i got high ones

i thought about i’m like why am i being such a dick

stevens ago

never did anything to me

like i’m being so personal

about it about my

my making fun

of him like i’m not even doing it good naturedly

you know it made me realize i was like

what if i’d met him what if he was nice

what kind of a

piece of shit

would i feel like

you know i mean

maybe he’s not nice but

maybe he is

maybe i meet him

maybe i like him

you know i mean i’ve met some people that

people thought were douchebags before and i like them

so it made me really examine

like my my instincts

just because this guy’s

famous just to shit all over him

that’s all i wanted to do i was just i just met roddy

piper he was the nicest

old man i’ve ever said

roddy piper’s a legend man

you yeah but when you see him though you’re

like who is this guy he was just like off the streets

but really yeah

nicest guy ever

well i’m still acting why isn’t

he acting i guess tv

shows and shit have you

watched the golf show

fucking awesome

it’s golf shows goddamn i don’t like it

you don’t like it no

don’t you like when he talks

black to black

people i do

i do it’s worth that little

piece what up cuz what’s

going on cause

over what you trying to do here we’re

going down we’re going down

like he will straight up patronize

he goes right to

cause what up

cause right away

these guys are handcuffed

this is gone even real

does he keep real bullets in his guns yeah i don’t even

say any zany

let him have bullets in his gun was

i’m so weird

about that show

i just to me it’s just like i’m getting i

mean i kind of

understand okay

he has real martial arts

training gotcha

he’s got real firearms

training gotcha he

would bring exposure

to your police

force okay i see

where you’re coming from

i can kind of

understand how they

would be willing to have him as a cop

but it’s strange

you know it’s like you

think the people

would be smarter

you think the people

would be like do you

think in israel they

would let some of us just

alone be a cop in israel

you think they

would let him i

could be a twelve year old and be a

what but you know i’m saying you think they

would take an actor and and i don’t know

let him do that no

yeah they might think that listen they’d be like a

movie yeah they might be able to say no joke

how about a

seagull is is

an expert in every episode

on some shit that you

never really he’s like

you know trained dogs for like 20 yeah

and then like

then he’s playing the blues you like really

you play the blues like well you know it was

funny it was my magazine

there was a spy magazine article about him

about his background about how

a guy was claiming that his background was fabricated

and that there was a dude who really worked for the cia

in southeast asia

and seagal met him and

seagal started telling this guy stories as his own

he just started doing nothing this guy’s life yeah

that’d be a great movie yeah oh yeah well

dude is completely full of shit the main

but he’s not totally

full of shit because he really is like this high

level aikido black belt

i mean ikea

is kind of a

silly martial art

but he’s really like a high

level ikea black

i do think he’s i

think that that’s

completely true and accurate

and i do believe

that he is a little out of his mind yeah well he’s

definitely out of his mind

but i mean how many people

have you ever met and show business that aren’t out of

their mind no totally

but when you become an action

superstar and i think

he kind of wanted to be

the characters in the

movies he was playing

yeah he wanted to be out for justice for real

after he did that shit

and he was like i’m

gonna go be a cop and

you know he actually i just did i’m just another

cop no you’re not

you’re fucking sick so crazy

i’ve been training

eagles to wear hats for

twenty years

i was very disappointed

i was hoping it was

gonna rock the ponytail

better be had

the ponytail kind of makes it with him and something

about him having that ponytail

it makes him look more like samurai

style you know

yeah i like that ponytail i

think you should rock that shit

i just realized what it is

about his films

the expression that he’d

never had in the film and i was always like

kind of wondering what it what he’s never

been out of breath

like you never

know me like his face was always in control

even after five like ten dudes you turn the last dude

and not be breathing

how about the one with

kelly the brock

where he was in a coma

for like years

and then he came out of coma and just

got some fucking acupuncture

did some meditating

next thing you

know he’s punching

bricks and shit and running up hills

i’m back back in

shape like he gets back in shape

after being in a coma

for years he gets back in

shape like couple days you know he’s

punching the makiwara out there in the desert and shit

doing his forums

meditating incense

it’s hilarious he’s acting

your show on the air

oh he’s genius man his

movies are even better man

his movies are goddamn classic

i ordered some

movie called the room

people have been telling me

about this movie for years

i’ve heard so many people recommend it as like the

worst movie ever

like the best

worst movie ever

my copy comes tomorrow

looking forward to

the room i saw the patton oswald

i don’t want

to see that i’m sure it’s hilarious i’ll see that

after i see it

but i don’t want to give anything away

apparently this movie is

so bad that it’s like insanity

like you watch it and you

start screaming and you like rewind is rewind

you guys want to

watch it yeah and

those watch

it next week there’s another one called richard he

yeah what are

you doing on friday doing on friday during the day yeah

do anything friday during the day

right i don’t know let’s

watch that shit let’s have a

bunch of people over and watch it

supposed to be the

worst movie of all time supposed to be genius

geniusly shitty

and brian can you order

richard heath

you guys have to see it

would you he order it

is it on dvd

i think so i’ve seen the

trailer the extension

oh you saw me the pretty

you show me the preview once i did in a laptop

was that yeah

okay yeah that’s hilarious

is that’s real that’s a full

length film

that’s funny

when are you guys

going to broadcast an hd

on justin tv

justin tv has hd

this role hard character on the road record

since they do he

doesn’t have it they don’t have it for mac

and it’s not

they don’t have it for mac i don’t

think it’s really hd either

it’s not really hd

but all these guys have better

video quality on pcs really

well why don’t we

start running from a pc let’s run boot camp

i don’t mind putting boot camp is it that big of a deal

it’s not hard

right i had it on this computer and

it was just nothing

brian hates windows

i just don’t want to put windows

on my laptop

feel like a big

fan of windows one

wrong email my shit’s all fucked i don’t mind

maybe we should get a pc just to do this

should we get a pc just to do this maybe

i might buy a computer for you faggots

how about that broadcast

what a confusing message daddy sends us

who call us all faggots

kind of a fucking show is this

brian did you have

apples weighed like when they were

first coming out were you into them then like when

we were in well i mean elementary

school i had i use them like apple one two

did you i’m saying did you like them then

i like them back then but i

never i grew up with pcs just because i was a

broke ass and i just

build my own computers and stuff like that

you build your own computers

i can still do that

and that scares you

i made a couple computers i

built a couple computers from scratch

who the fuck are you guys man well i mean i’m not

i’m not good at it i need someone to help me

along the way like my friend andrew’s

a psycho genius and he knows are he

used to make computers for a living and i

could always call him like dude i’m fucked up i didn’t

flash the bios

help me tell me what to do here you know i could get

but it’s not that hard it’s like

once you understand that a

motherboard is for a certain cpu

and you know they match

and you know how to put it on and you have all the

pieces you know

where it goes

then you know

where the memory goes then you know

where the hard

drive goes it’s not that hard and then

the hard part is getting it to boot up loading windows

and then getting all your

peripherals your keyboards all that shit to sync up at

least it used to be back in the windows

you know 95 and 98 days that was when i

started that’s when i was making computers

but i would make my own pcs

just go to fries and buy a box it

sounds really intimidating to me it’s not that hard man

it’s really not that hard it’s really

smart plugging

things yeah

because i don’t know any coding i don’t know

like when i

would like go

into the i knew like command prompts for certain

things in windows you know

i know how to ping servers and

stuff like that but there’s most shit i didn’t know

most shit was just

things that friends told me or i’d

read a book on

or something like that it’s a lot easier nowadays wait

stupid shit like jumper settings yeah it was

oh yeah there

was always and you had to have the memory and the

right slot or a wooden boot right

you know you put the memory in the

wrong slot it didn’t recognize it because they have

to start with

this one’s yeah

frequencies can it

match with the

video cards can

yeah and then if you got

crazy once you really got cocky

started overclocking your shit

you know you like well you know it says

three hundred megahertz but i

think i get up to three

fifty and not burn it out

but nowadays i just like max

yeah it’s way easier for creative work and

stuff it’s way easier but

they’re way more expensive

you know as long as you’re not

stupid really don’t

that many so

you can get a refurb

for four hundred dollars

way faster than any

right but if you

wanna get a laptop man you get a

badass fucking laptop for

twelve hundred

bucks from windows yeah from mac you get that

they get the macbook

which is like a thousand bucks and

it’s pretty good man

twelve hundred

bucks you can get a windows laptop that is blu ray

and has a one

terabyte fucking hard drive and

you know they

have more shit man that you get more bang for your buck

if you buy a windows one

more shit for your pennies

you know that

the quality is not as good i mean the thing

about max is like you get like one of those

power books like the keyboards

badass like the way it’s the form factors like really

solid like the

build qualities excellent

like sometimes you get a pc laptop

and it’s like plastic and it feels like it’s falling

apart in your hand there’s

definitely somewhat like sony’s my favorite pc made

yeah there’s

you know there’s high

end companies man

there’s high end companies that make like dope shit

alienware it’s important to have a

bunch of different options man

it’s important for you know there

would be a windows and a mac and a linux and unix and

there should be more there

should be more different

things that people can choose from and make

these motherfuckers

come out with the best shit

quickest you know yeah

absolutely look

how much better windows is now why because of max os 10

you know they they they had to

catch up they had to get come up

those cool shit

you know all the

stuff that looks cool to look at you know

i mean that’s all that is it

people think that’s nonsense

i don’t need that i just need a computer to work

that’s all fun

it’s a part of the

experience makes the experience

it gives it more flavor

you know totally

just regular computing i like the

when you go down to an application

and it bounces up and you when you loaded it goes doing

going to yeah

it’s part of

experience with

everyone yeah it’s fun you

know it’s horrible

i was using a pc the other day

and it says you know you have updates you know

click here to restart or it says restart later

you’re like no i don’t want to restart now restart

later every

three minutes that same window will

pop up like there’s no way to just say hey leave me

alone i’ll restart it when i want to it’s not a pc

yeah it’s on a pc it has

that time no

no i forgot how

annoying that used to be

it was like restart

later restart now you know

this is like come on i said restart

later a million times they’re

definitely not up to

where wind or

where mac is but i

think they’re a lot closer than they used to be

i think windows 7

is supposed

to be pretty goddamn close

this guy’s asking

about mark emory

a couple people are asking about

someone saying the mark emory

the prince of pot rj leblanc

another guy saying as a canadian i’m ashamed we’re

extraditing mark emory

it’s a black eye

he’s a dude in canada that was selling pot seeds

he was selling seeds just seeds on the internet

and seeds you know

italy no store

and sell them all over the world the united

states they want him arrested for being a drug dealer

for some seeds for salt sage

now they’re gonna charge you like

millions of dollars in traffic and

all the seeds i could have been turned into pot

could have been sold and

he’s a drug dealer for fucking seeds for a plant i mean

it is so amazing it’s so amazing that they

could pull that shit off

no i mean it’s the dumbest

thing ever that’s the whole idea

that you can have anything that doesn’t affect

other people and you can make it illegal

you can make anything illegal that doesn’t why why

how the fucking

you tell one person with a can and can’t experience

it’s pretty incredible

but yeah you can buy those this

mind boggling that this is

still going on

i would thought that with the internet and

everything that this

would all been

fixed by now

like there’s so much more access to information

there’s so much more

transparency we we know like

how everything you

know supposed to be in

place we know the real

history behind pot and

why how is it still here

how’s that still

going on tom

fix that um

do it tom fix it bitch

do it right now

nothing fix anything top score

got out it’s

crazy it’s like constitution page two page two

two thousand and ten

it’s like when when are we

not gonna have bad words when are we not

gonna have ridiculous laws

you can’t for sure

you can’t just go and make drugs legal

that that can’t happen

because then people

gonna sell the drugs

everywhere there’s one thing that’s good

about drugs being illegal the only thing that’s good

about it is that it’s hard for

those people to move around

like when you’re talking about like heroin

and math and shit like that

it’s hard for them to sneak around and sell that shit

like if you

watch that documentary this documentary on um

on oxycontin

called the oxycontin express

it’s about florida

where they have

no database in florida so anybody can just

get a doctor’s prescription and go to

these health management clinics and you get

some oxycontin

you can go like a mile

down the road to another one get some more another one

yeah they don’t have a database connecting all

these patients together

so all these people have problems with oxycontins

and they have like

it’s a one stop shop they have the doctor and the

pharmacy right there in the place

so you go in

you see the doctor

the doctor gives you a prescription

you go right next door you get some heroin

i mean it’s fucking

nuts man you know what’s amazing is that with weed

is that obviously

the reason when

reason anything

exist is because it generates

cash flow you know people make money

off of having something

legal or illegal or

why they allow something because you can make

money from it

it makes you wonder

wouldn’t they eventually make more money

with we being legal like

isn’t that something that

could be profitable

wouldn’t be profitable

for everybody the problem is you can’t control it

see if you’re selling gasoline

i mean you can’t just get gasoline man you

gotta go to the dude who is

buying it from the dude who’s pumping it i mean or the

one company that’s pumping it and refining it and then

shipping it and

it’s fucking very hard

to take control

of that i’m saying that you

know business

structure well

the problem you

would have is you

would probably have some sort of a

deal that’s very similar to what they have with farmers

right now whereas

with farmers

like say if you have like corn you buy like corn

seeds from monsanto or whatever that fucking you know

those companies are that are

you know huge

crop companies

well they own

those seeds man you can’t like extract

those seeds

from this year’s crop and then plant them

again next year

no they’ll fucking sue you if you do that right like

you’re not allowed to use

those seeds

again they lease

you those seeds

for like a season

it’s really pretty crazy like

they patent

plants and the

thing about

genetically modified

you know foods

like there’s two concerns people out there

the concern

about diseases

because like these

things are immune because either they’re not natural

you create them or what if they get diseases what if

diseases are


with the humans or whatever

what if you know there’s

animals that eat

them and they get sick and you know you know whatever

but but that’s one concern people have but the

other concern is that someone’s

gonna own the patent to fucking plants

you genetically modify

like a type of corn or tomato or something like that

and you you get

those seeds to a certain

level you want them

you can fucking copyright

those that’s my corn yeah that’s their shit

that’s unbelievable so like if someone in another farm

down the road

like you know

maybe somehow another seeds got into

his farm and they find that

this guy is illegally growing corn with

their seeds

they can put that guy in jail

they’re fucking seeds

that how did anybody

allow that to happen

so if there were

if there was weed

would there just be too much

cross i don’t know i mean i just

think at a certain

point in time that the

monkey would be out of the cage

is if we became

legal the problem is

once we becomes

legal it’s you’re

never gonna get that

genie back in the hole

you would have to

they would have to have some massive

government campaign of propaganda and disinformation

where people were smoking weed and

jumping off cliffs

and shooting themselves in the head

they would have to do something like that

where mass chaos

is forming because the marijuana

today is too

strong and you

would have like fucking dan rather

would we talk is he

still alive

being alive

you would have one of

those dudes on tv

you know talking

about how this

mass suicides are

happening all

across the country directly linked to this new

alaskan ak 47 weed being sold in

southern california

right in tacos my brother was doing

great and just

started smoking weed and

shelter for the biggest car you could find

way to do what you

standing on

the side of the road i’m like what are you doing man

we gonna run across the highway like not yet not yet

they ran boom you couldn’t take it anymore

that’s how good the weed is

and that’s what we

would see night and day

every day they were just

until the you know the president on tv and said

obviously we’ve made a mistake

we need to pull back

we need to gather up our resources

we need to look at this intelligently

we got a situation

we made it we tried it

didn’t work out

okay we know what’s best for our country

we did make a hundred billion dollars

first yeah before but now we’re gonna pull the plug

i think the problem is that the

money would get distributed the wrong way

we live in a company

we live in a society

right now that’s controlled by a series of companies

and these gigantic corporations like oil companies and

they have they’re making so much

money doing it this way

that there’s no incentive whatsoever to change

it would have to be a moment where they knew that

we’re on peak oil place

where like literally we’re running out of

petroleum like there’s no more left in the world

there’s no way we can keep this

going and if we ever got to that

space then they would have to do something

but until they do they’re not going to change shit man

if you switch to an agriculture

based society that’s running off

corn ethanol

and you can make fuel out of hemp too man

you can make

all kinds of fuel you can make oils out of hemp

you can make plastic out of hemp you can make

like a particle

board that’s like five times

stronger than most wood

like happens

like a really

a really strong wood

it makes incredible

paper makes incredible cloth

and it’s all illegal it should

be like way

further along

with solar power isn’t that really effective and

it’s not it’s not as easy as it looks really yeah

it’s hard to extract

energy from the sun like that

very difficult i mean

they’re much more efficient at it now than they were

just a few years ago

but it’s still not

quite there

it looks i know

about it because

we were looking into it when i was living in

colorado you can’t

quite power a

house on solar

power it’s very hard

you have to have a lot of

panels and to go straight solar

it has to be

sunny a lot like

if it snows and rains for a few days you know

you ain’t getting any light

my dad had it set up he

built his own solar

collectors and put it on his

house and he just

had it just so it heated his water

and he’s gonna i

guess do it sometime in the future and have

it do something like that word

this is only

going to do this you know but but

still it’s like hey he

you know you’re here with my friend

tom did it in oregon

and he used windmills

right and he had so much

power he was

generating probably

selling back yeah come on yeah

how come more people aren’t doing that though

it’s not cheap man he was a

he was a director he was a director and he had a lot of

money and he

you know he had a like a badass farm up there

and he put it all together

that’s incredible

yeah pretty interesting i have so much problems

selling it back to the

power company

yeah yeah he was he was a smart dude

very very selfish

he was funny man

he’s one of the few men

that i’ve ever met in my life that does not like kids

had kids and does not like them

really yep i would

hate it cause i

think they’re all

adults i think

yeah i think he

started hating them around

12 he had kids he said

it ruined his

relationship said it wasn’t fun it totally changes the

whole relationship i don’t like kids

he’s got this new wife

after he divorced his wife

and you know the

kids are full row and divorced his wife got some new

chick i didn’t want to have kids

he goes and i like her just fine we get

along to it

i’m not gonna

bring in kids and fuck this up

like he’s kids just change the

whole relationship

movie director

tv director

it’s a character man

yeah they don’t

quite have it to the

point where you can be totally

self sufficient on just

solar power

but couldn’t like

let’s say even if the

isn’t i’m saying the wind

you know power

so effective that like at

least the government would

invest more in

using that like

maybe not every

individual person but they

would want to use that more

cause cheaper

i mean then cause

then over time buying

i don’t know if it works that way because i

think in order to have enough

power from windmills

to like to power your

house and keep all your shit going

you have to have pretty significant windmills

you know like you can’t have it for an

apartment building for everybody in the fucking

building that’s

gonna be using all that

power for an office

building it’s like no you need more

power than that

you’re not gonna have

windmills aren’t gonna

power a fucking office

building you know saying

that you’re

gonna need like a

whole field of windmills you know

it’s gonna be ridiculous

to the point

where it’s not economically viable i

guess they have to

they have to consider all that shit i think it

the problem is

once we have a solution

we kind of like stopped looking how that have

you know a different way to do it like

you know people go well you know we

need to figure out cars that run on anything else but

we got cars are on gas they’re pretty badass

and i really don’t really want to fuck with

cars that run

out of hydrogen i mean they only get to the

point where they have to do it

right i think i

think the future

because it seems like

right now we’re having so much

electronics that we’re

using more and more and more and more

power but i

think once the future catches up or the

technology catches up we’re

gonna have less and less

like we’re not

gonna have a

stereo and a

phone and a tv

and we’re just

gonna have one

thing that does all this shit

right perfect so i think

i think it’s

going to balance itself out

you know yeah maybe

maybe but you know i wonder like when

they have like electric cars like they have that tesla

you know that

tesla electric car

it’s interesting it

doesn’t handle that well

one of the reasons why it

doesn’t handle

that well is because there’s so much weight in the back

right there’s all

these batteries in the back and in the

front there’s like nothing well battery

technology seems to be the one

thing that’s kind of hit a wall

completely but i

think you know

it’s just one invention away from

going over that

wall right right

right yeah i

think you’re

right i think they’re

gonna come out with some fucking

crazy new thing that

allows you to

get like a million times more information on

a single yeah

can hold more

this battery last five years yeah

this battery will

never die yeah

can you imagine

but if you crack it open it makes a

black hole and eats yeah

you will lose your

penis if you

break this battery you know it’s

covered in the same shit that

wolverine’s bones are made out of ammanium you know

you can’t get through it with bullets

you can run over it with a car and it won’t break

if it didn’t break

but whoever invents whoever

breaks that battery wall is a

like that’s

that’s the guy that

bill gates that like whatever it’s like

the scene lost


yeah we’re gonna

there’s gonna be something within our lifetime

that’s gonna be so mind blowing

that it’s gonna change everything

you know and

like we were talking about this google

thing google buzz

that you know i was talking

about twitter like i was hoping twitter was

gonna be it right

but like what i didn’t even know

about twitter two years ago

i didn’t know

about twitter i never even

heard of it what’s funny is i knew

about twitter for a while and i would use it

but then i was like

this is not that good

then suddenly everyone started

using it at the same time it just caught the fuck on

i think also

people realize it’s better to make people give them a

limited amount of characters to

choose from well that’s what

this google buzz

that’s what this google buzz

takes away that

because yeah it’s like it’s like twitter but

long can you type for i don’t

think there is a oh

but i don’t know but

here’s the thing to

that’s the difference between

for the most part like


videos that people post online

like if someone’s like check out

someone’s fucking mad somebody i know it’s like

i look and it’s the time code

starts getting up there like

it’s a fun his

eight minutes

shorter i don’t

watch this right

right yeah make it

short this is more like

this is more like a facebook

and facebook’s

status updates i

guess to like

mixed with twitter

people are gonna

write fucking

novels and shit

yeah that is a problem man people

still goddamn for books

i get emails from people

with no paragraphs just these

floods of information

that they just love to hear themselves

talk with the shitty

thing though is it takes their

email address and

takes all your contacts and makes it your friends and

stuff like that

so what sucks is if you have your

you know of

course this only works on some people but if you have a

girlfriend and then you have your mistress

and you have you know your mistress’s mom

i’ll bang in also

and then you have like all these

three people that are now friends and reading each

other’s twitter facebook pages

and it just automatically does that too

right when you sign up it’s like

automatic well this is one of the

things that we talked

about a long time ago is that we’re getting

i think that we’re getting to a

point where there will be no more secrets

or it’s gonna be impossible i mean the convergence

of information

from your life to my life and all the

things that you know and all the

things that i know all things i’ve seen you’ve seen

we’re gonna share those eventually

those things are all gonna come together

and there’s not gonna be any secrets

we’re gonna get to a point

in you know the not so distant future

where people are

literally gonna be able to read each other’s minds

and it’s gonna be crazy man

you know i think i

think that we’re getting to some strange time right now

in our in our society and in our culture this

in our species

we’re getting to some strange time

where we’re just dabbling in the edges

of of of some some new

crazy great

thing that’s

gonna change everything we don’t

you feel like that when you like you see the news and

you hear about shit they’re doing with like the

large hadron collider and you

think about all the scientific

experiments going on

all the shit they’re doing with harp and

i feel like i always feel like we’re at

kind of like

at that fork

where we either

we’re about to like

experience something

great or like there’s impending doom and like

some awful shits

people have always felt like that too because

we’re so dumb we will occasionally fuck up and shatter

everything you know i mean look at

what happened in

world war ii

look at the fact

that we really did drop atomic bombs on people yeah

i mean that’s so non specific

i mean we hit entire cities

i mean we weren’t trying to just go

after the military we dropped

giant weapons of atomic destruction

on entire cities

i mean that’s pretty

they still reach

it it was like 9 11

for them in

hawaii when they

dropped bombs on

wide that was like 9 11 but yeah

seventy years ago

that’s not mean most times we talk

about that’s nothing

crazy talking

a hundred years ago yeah

civil war and shits

yeah really racist

seventy years ago ain’t shit man

that’s crazy

you know imagine

if twitters and webcams were

in back then

oh my god you know what’s really


is when you look into

history and not so distant history

like look into like the 1960s

and you see some of the shit that they were planning

like operation northwoods

you know if you

never read that operation

which was they were

going to make fake attacks on american civilians

and they’re

going to attack guantanamo bay

and tell people it was the cubans

and so that

would get everybody

fired up when we

were with cuba

yeah freedom

information act

is operation

northwood you

should check

podcast two and three

that sounds really interesting

it’s gotta be bucks it’s

crazy oh yeah yeah it’s definitely

was just released recently

for the freedom information act

yeah it’s like

what they were able to do back then

in the 50s and the 60s like

in the 50s the government did a

thing called operation midnight climax

where they opened up brothels

and they dosed people with lsd

that john’s

these dudes were

going there to fuck

these hookers

they would go to

these whorehouses that were run by the fucking cia

in new york and san francisco

and they would

douse these guys with acid

and then just like

study them and take notes

these guys were

on acid in a whorehouse that’s no they just went

after work to get

their dick sucked and yeah

twelve hour trip of

death and destruction are you fucking with that guy

this is incredible

yeah and this is something that was like a real

experiment the cia

ran how do you find all

this shit out

people send you

some people send me things

i learned about some

stuff on twitter

people sent me some good shit on twitter

i learned about some stuff

from my message board

learn about some

stuff from interesting

friends that you know read an interesting

article and i like you do you have to

check this out this you know this guy made a fucking

artificial finger and reattach attempts you know

there’s always something nutty that some

guys figuring out or some

study that people are doing

you know it’s

amazing how much it is out there if you really

start looking

please send me something interesting

go to my board

you guys see this a dog fuck this chicken

yeah you guys see that the puss

really interesting

it is hilarious

puppy grabs his chicken drags it into his

into his dog house

and starts fucking the shit out of it

the chickens like are you fucking shit me

and the chicken

tries to get away the puppies like bitch

probably grabs it bites them

pulls them back in and

starts fucking them

one of my favorite

videos out it’s outstanding what put it up right

put it up brian’s

gonna put it up and i’ll retweet it

it’s like a little

little i don’t know

could be a lab who knows what it is what is it a little

white dog yeah it’s like a little

could be a beagle be no that looks like yeah kind

of jack russell

maybe i don’t know

who knows it’s a

puppy it’s hard to tell what the hell they are when

a puppies a cute little fellow i’ll tell you that

she will fell fucking chicken

you know like that’s what nature is really all about

there’s another

video that i put on my twitter

recently it was a wall were sucking his own dick

that’s cool it was outstanding i hear they will

crush their own

young if they see some

pussy they want like on the

other side of the

beach really yeah like if they’re

their own young can be in the way they will

trample and

crush them oh we get laid

that’s how hard

it is to find

pussy in the walrus

world yeah man

think about that you willing to kill your baby for

something that looks like a walrus yeah

it looks exactly the most

sucking his own dick

it was ridiculous

his dick look like dave chappelle’s leg

looks like looks like this long

and this walrus is just deep throat his own cock

i put that on my twitter as well

it’s pretty fascinating man

alright i just posted the

video the dog fucking a chicken on my twitter backslash

red band i think i put it up last

night so i don’t know if i should retweet it

shut is that what is the rule on that i think there’s

ants in my butt whore

i feel either that or just have a itch

it could be

wow i got an ant problem here brian

all right i’m not

gonna retweet that you can find that shit oh shit what

bran sit up look at that we’re broadcasting

go sit down yeah

i see those ants yeah

it was just for

brian though

i know like i

haven’t been

messing with me all there up there i got an ant problem

motherfuckers you know

what it is it rains when it rains in la they all come

find trying to find dry ground

and then all the

ants they’re outside

eating dead birds and shit now they’re inside

little motherfucker have you

sprayed raid around or whatever

that is i will

i will tonight

it’s amazing how

ants are like

these little

monsters that live in your

world and you

allow them to live in your

world because they’re tiny

you know because if

ants were big

we would have fucking gigantic problems

did you imagine if

ants were like the size of of like rats a

big bait you and

magic they were that big you know how terrifying that

would be ants

would rip your arms off if they were that big

if ants were the size of rats

they’re so strong

they would they would

mangle you they would

drag you to the top of a tree and drop you off you

would all be dead

and i’ll be dead

and there’s that’s

just you know a few thousand times bigger than they are

we just deal with the fact that they’re in our little

world and these colonies

or we don’t even know how to communicate with each

other and they

all follow in a fucking straight line back to the hive

and they got a

queen in there and there’s

larva and eggs and that little fucking cunt

she’s shitting out new baby

ants constantly

while we’re here talking

somewhere in my house

somewhere my

house has to find out

where it is

probably and there’s something

going on here somewhere

under a plate

somewhere you can’t

think of something they

can handle how

much like hundreds of times

their body weight

yeah yeah hundreds of times

they’re they’re

monsters if

ants were like full

sized like this is

like size of like a

human or a dog or something like that

they would literally like

like a scene from the alien

they would rip people

apart and eat you alive

they would have no problem killing you

i mean they’re heartless


monsters you know

these have to be little

monsters but

so are most animals you know most animals are

you ever see like just shit chimps will do to each

other you know you see shit the dogs will do to each

other or you know

animals cannibalizing on each

other miss shit happens all the time the animals

rip rip other chimps

apart yeah kill

them eat them out

yeah yeah got

to eat them

and they will if you like

chips campbellize

their babies to sometimes they

their babies yeah

i know they’ll peel they will peel chunks

of skin off of you like it’s fucking bacon

strips man yeah they’re so

strong are no

mangle you don’t you like an old

sheet to them

there was um

a chimp recently

a bonobo bonobos was supposed to be the really

peaceful ones that

follow the whole

time they got a

video footage of bonobo female

cannibalizing her dead baby

jesus her baby died she just

started eating it

oh you know

that’s dark dude yeah

that’s dark that’s

spooky shit

alright let’s take some questions here

i think we’re already over the two hour mark yeah we’re

right on you do it for

two and a half hours is

so fascinating

such good talk here and it’s five hundred

eighty nine people

we’re at the 7am

well here’s a good question this guy asked nick

nick tkd 2000 what do you

think about hollis gracie getting effed up

hollis gracie is the

the great gracie

the greatest gracie ever supposedly this guy

hollis gracie who’s like the guy

was one of hixon’s original

training partners his son just

entered the

ufc and lost this weekend

and everybody’s like

real down the

guy because he didn’t have a very good performance

and his you

know this fight

you know he got he got kind of beat up and everybody

expected more from him

but it ain’t easy man

it’s not an easy fucking sport

you go in there there’s

tremendous amount of pressure on

these guys and it’s hard for people to deal with

you know and some people

they need to be you know they need to have some bad

bad experiences so that they

learn from it and then you know either

bounce back or realize this isn’t what i want to do

you know but some people that they just don’t realize

the magnitude of the event till they actually get there

till they’re

under the bright

lights and they’re actually

fighting to

guide and they’re

like holy shit like what did i get myself into that’s

gonna be so crazy

yeah i mean the adrenaline

dump is tremendous

you know he’s so nervous

so much adrenaline

pumps out and you know that’s why i got like

randy couture of such incredible

endurance one of the reasons besides the fact that he

trained so hard

is that the dude is so

relaxed he’s been there so many times you know

when he gets in there he’s not

freaking out

dumb question cannabis

equals weed

yes yes cannabis

equals weed

yeah you know the

funny thing when marijuana was made illegal people

most people don’t even know this

the congress didn’t even know they’re making marijuana

legal or they didn’t know they were making cannabis

illegal rather cannabis was like a hemp hemp was

they used it for fiber

they used it to make

clothes and all kinds of different things

and when it was made illegal it was because they

started printing in the

paper stories

saying that

blacks and mexicans

were smoking this new drug and they were raping

white women

and that’s what got people into

that’s that’s how got people behind the whole anti

marijuana movement

that’s a reef from madness all that shit came from

so i have those posters up on my wall i’ve got all

those videos

yeah reef from madness

they’re goddamn hilarious

they’re amazing if you

haven’t seen them

you gotta see like what kind of shit they put out

and they put it out just

because they wanted to make sure that people didn’t

it’s like there’s a lot of bad

things that can happen

if you’re in control and people get a hold of pot

and you know there’s good

things to keeping it illegal you know

you can make much more

money with pharmaceutical drugs you can sell people

what you want to sell you can control

those drugs and

you know you

can’t control shit if if if marijuana becomes

legal it’s something

anybody can grow it’s like really easy to grow

i’ve met idiots that grow weed you know

yeah it’s not hard yeah you know you can figure it out

people can’t get

their life together at all they can grow some weed

it’s just economics

that’s the real reason why marijuana is illegal but

blacks and mexicans will rate

white women if they do smoke weed

white guys will

rate white women too

oh yeah but not as

yeah same thing bro

read from madness rocks i agree young man

it was also the paper company yes newspapers yeah

it was william randolph hearst

william randolph hearst owned the newspaper companies

he owned you know hearst publications but he also owned

printing rather

paper mills

and so he had like forest filled with trees

when they wanted to convert

everything over to hemp

paper because hemp makes a much better paper

he did not wanna do that it

would cost him millions of dollars would have

fucked up his whole business he would have had to

chop all his trees down and then start

planting hemp

then they’d be in competition with all

these other people that are making

paper it would

it was an economic decision

so when he was getting people to

ban marijuana they didn’t even know they were banning

hemp this industrial

plant that they had been

using for hundreds and thousands of years

it’s really kind of fascinating that

the propaganda that that guy created

in the 1930s when he owned all the newspapers

is really still in

place today i mean people

still believe it today

it’s pretty brilliant business strategy too

right i mean he was a

motherfucker man

yeah i mean that was the guy that orson wells made that

movie rose by

about no it was a movie

citizen kane

isn’t it is that you though

howard hughes

i thought it was william

randolph hearst

but yeah yeah it’s hearst

yeah so hearst is the one yeah that’s the guy yeah

i mean he was just like the guy he was like the

first motherfucker that controlled

everything yeah

that is really fascinating now that it was a

paper because i got yeah i mean

really amazing right you can chew up with him yeah i

think you can relax fella

so bad everything so bad man eating you man

it was girls right now they’re yelling at you

girls are telling you suck it up it’s just an ant

ants in your asshole whoa they said to you

you do have ants in your asshole

i feel like i have at least two

we’ll see when you’re kissing

well this show is going down real fast

way to go prawn well it’s over two hours we should

never go over two hours don’t tell me what to do

party totally this is the groove

we’re in the groove

right now it gets a point where it’s just like

you think yeah that’s when you don’t have to

watch anymore faggot

go tune to something else

i will answer

one more question then we’ll get the fuck out of here

because yeah it’s almost three

hours actually

brian’s getting phone calls where are you

where are you brian

people were

watching the

video with the

wall or suckers on deck now see i told you

the shit is real homing

the shit is real it’s out there it

sounds amazing

you gotta watch it man

how come you haven’t watched already

cause you’re not on the rubin

board watch together

and the puppy and the chicken please

you can watch the

puppy and the chicken

now this is

the part that if we were doing a podcast it was an

audio podcast i

would say we

should edit out the last

twenty minutes

they talk about jack shit

see that’s why i’m saying it

should be that way i

think yeah we

should time this


we should time it for two

hours ladies and gentlemen

cause this is

ridiculous we’re

bored you’re

bored i’m bored

um so i think we’re

gonna end now time to

go any last

thing said all

these nice people um

join your twitter come on brother join

my twitter thank you for right

right right me

come see me at i’m here at

oh i’m at the end more theater in australia

oh shit i’m at the end

more theater in australia next saturday

night tom segura

will be with me at the

end more theater in

sydney australia

freaking fastest

well yeah we throwing

shrimps on the barbie like a

motherfucker come to my website time

cigarette dot com

s e g u r a dot com

joe rogan dot net is mine as you can

spell it out on my my shit

and am i doing a show

in boston and august yes most of the time when there’s

ufc i’ll do a show the day before the ufc

it’s a very convenient

so that’s it

ladies and gentlemen

thank you very much for tuning in

i know this shit is

haphazard it doesn’t

start on time

and it goes too long there’s a lot of rambling but

you know this is what it is

it is free and

i do it because i love you

and it’s fun

thanks for being here top screw

and it’s always more interesting

right when it’s not just me talking to you

alright my friends

until next week we’ll see you next wednesday

oh next wednesday i got a fly to australia

so i’ll probably do this

again next tuesday

so holla back bitches

thank you very much

and i’ll see you next week

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