record start broadcast shazam bitches
i think it’s on we live
yeah it’s a lot hi fuckers
we’re getting a little better 307 now
that’s a little bit better right there we go
zoom zoom zoom what’s happening fuckers
everybody can hear us
it’s all good let’s leave it sideways
our lives leave it with a gangster lean
hello everybody
welcome to the
what is it the fucking
ninth weekly one or something
we have continued
motherfucking saga continues
ladies and gentlemen
this is how you drink coffee okay
like a fucking man see that shit right there
that’s what’s called a french press
you can get it at starbucks starbucks
for like 20 bucks or something or you know
a target for 20 bucks
that’s what i was in the middle saying
target and starbucks at the same time
just grind up your coffee
you pour it in this motherfucker you pour the hot
water you push down the plunger but bam
you got coffee
yeah it’s gritty
and it’s got like little pieces of
stuff in it but so what you fucking pussy
man up man up and drink you and
spill all over for
man up and drink your coffee
so how was australia australia is the shit
if you’ve never been to australia
it’s fucking spectacular
it’s beautiful
the people are cool as fuck
it’s really bizarre man it’s way the fuck on the
other side of the world like
literally on the other side of the world to where it’s
a nineteen hour time difference
between los angeles
and australia
what’s the weed laws like out there is there any
the weed is not very legal there
but it’s everywhere
everybody’s got wheat
yeah yeah so
because i got a text from mayhem
right before we left because mayhem got there before us
and he said yo this is the exact test
the exact text
yo customs here is a motherfucker
don’t bring any weed to kangaroo island
which if you know mayhem that’s a mayhem
quote right there nice
so ladies and gentlemen
a fucking trainer yesterday got killed by an orca
did you hear
about that shit no you didn’t hear about that
killer whale killed a trainer at seaworld
and what’s amazing to me is
how they haven’t been killing people up to this point
could you imagine if
whales killer whales are supposed to be
super intelligent
i mean they’re like as
intelligent as humans they’re cousins of dolphins
and we put him in a fucking fish tank
and make him do
tricks for mackerels
you know can you imagine what kind of hell that life is
when this whale
had killed a homeless man
that snuck into the fucking tank in nineteen ninety one
and he had also
or it might be a she i’m not sure he or she
had also i think it’s a he
had also almost drowned a trainer
remember that video
where the killer whale was playing with the person
dunking them under
yeah yeah yeah
in that same way
wow same way
yeah so i mean it’s not like the warning fucking signs
weren’t there
it’s like you know
you know you hear mike tyson
punch somebody
you couldn’t be shocked
what happens
like how do you die
oh it’s a woman that died
he grabbed her by the
waist and just fucking ripped her up
in the middle of a live show
yep the beginning of the
live show where’s the youtube videos is it out
that’s a good question i bet they
confiscated everybody’s cameras
as they were leaving yeah but you know
the sd cards are so
small you think you’d
learn to shove it up your ass or something this guy
if he was there for sure
there would be a
video of it
one fucking thousand percent yeah as soon as i
heard we need everybody’s cameras
sd card up ass
save to you
would have been
uploaded to youtube already yeah that
would have been
bluetooth to
you stream yeah there’s no fucking way i mean
could you imagine what that
must have looked like
you’re there and all of a sudden the killer he
grabbed her
about the waist
and just started
smashing her back and forth just ragdolling her
he just had enough he just said
that’s it that’s it motherfuckers you know
it’s really incredible that we
think it’s cool to do that and then we go and
watch them you know
it’s really like zoos bum me the fuck out
we went to a zoo in
australia while we’re there
and there was a cool part of it was the crocodile cage
because i don’t think that crocodile gives a fuck
where it is i think crocodiles are so dumb
i mean they seem
their mind seems so dead they just
lay there with their eyes closed
underwater for like
hours at a time but they don’t have
to breathe they don’t have to breathe for like an hour
so they just lay underwater
and just do nothing and just sit there they don’t
run around and play like when you pass like the
monkey cage at a zoo
that shit’s depressing
because they don’t
wanna be there when i was in denver
there’s a zoo in denver and the
monkey got in his fucking cage and was howling
this horrible howl
and it wasn’t a big cage
this monkey was
screaming out like a tortured
soul it was like a man in prison
you know let me out of here
the monkey was just wow
just screaming at the top of his
lungs and i was like yo this is not good
like this is not cool to do that
for what so people can stare at them
i mean that shit
might have flown in the
nineteen thirties you know back when there was no zoos
or back when there’s no
videos but we have
videos now man you don’t have to put them in a zoo
you know but that’s the only time we
would ever be able to see most of
those animals that’s the only
thing that makes me go well i see the reason for a zoo
cause i’m not
going to africa and hunting down a white
tiger you know
right but is it
worth it for them to struggle just so you
could stare at them
yeah but you don’t know
it could also be like
dude wait i don’t have to hunt my food there’s just a
steak here every morning when i wake up
i could sleep no you know no for like tigers
that shit is orgasmic
to chase down an animal
chase it move it
you ever see a cat like if you roll a ball string in
front of them they can’t help themselves man you
should know that you have cats right
cats can’t help it
they live for chasing shit
it’s just like
like you know a guy with a hard dick lives to fuck
right now it’s really the same thing man
there it’s nature rewards
them for being a good predator and i think
you know the way same way food
tastes good for us and sex feels good for us
they love to kill man nature
rewards them with some
crazy rush of energy
and endorphins when they kill something
you know so you give them a cold
plate of meat
just push an aluminum tray
under the fucking cage
that’s not the same and that’s not fun guaranteed
you know but that
doesn’t that
the killing thing
bothers me but
what really bothers me is the fucking amount of
room that they have to move around
the kangaroo cable
la zoo definite
the kangaroo
cage was fucked up have you ever been to the
san diego zoo though that’s a
whole i mean yeah
when i was there i was like man i
would like to be an animal in this cage
oh no we went down
this serious fucking
delay between what we’re saying or what we’re saying
is that it we got it okay um
yeah san diego is the shit
the way they have it is nice they have a big giant ass
place that that makes
sense but that’s
that’s fucking expensive
yeah you know
but that’s how it
should be the
places like the la zoo just shouldn’t exist
because that’s just
wrong you go
to the la zoo that’s just depressing as fuck
but there is like the columbus zoo
where i’m from
is one of the biggest zoos jack hannah’s from it
and it’s nice they may have just
acres and acres and acres of land and they
you know i don’t know if they
maybe throw out some goats once in a
while for the
tigers or something
they just don’t talk about it
no they don’t do
that they don’t ever do that they do that in iraq this
video in iraq of
they let a donkey loose
and this is how they do it every day
and the donkeys just walking
around eating and they open up the gate and these
tigers come running out of the gate and just
bitch slap that donkey
to the ground and fucking jack them it’s really kind of
wild to see
and it’s really
shocking these gis filmed it
when they were in iraq at the zoo
it’s shocking to see but
that’s really the way they’re supposed to eat
like though that’s how you
should do it
if you’re gonna feed animals you’re
gonna have wild animals you
should have them eat what they normal eat man
i mean like
what’s with this
feeding fucking
snakes frozen mice give them a fucking
mouse you know
i mean that’s what they’re supposed to do
we’re trying to like
enforce our
own ideas of morality and predation on fucking monsters
you know i mean like look a
snake is a monster dude you know
tigers that’s a monster
those are all monsters
yeah they’re natural
monsters they
there’s a whole natural
cycle of things and
to take them out of that there’s a
there was a kangaroo cage that was the most depressing
thing because
those kangaroos are just sitting there
they didn’t do shit they just laid there
human beings though
could be considered
monsters so like
if you put somebody in prison that’s a
mass murderer we’re doing the same
thing you know
we should let that mass murder go out on
his way and just murder a shitload of people you know
what kind of
dumbass logic is that
well i mean if you’re saying like
you know like a
tiger’s a tiger or whatever in like a
snake should kill its own prey and we should
you know do it what
well what no we’re feeding them
killed prey we kill it
first that’s what’s the most
ridiculous thing
is that we kill what they
they eat first
so that it’s not as brutal for us
somehow or another
someone else kills it you buy it killed then you
feed it to them that’s ridiculous
that’s not a mass murderer
dude mass murderers are just fucked in the head
they’re not killing for food it’s a part of a natural
cycle they’re just nuts
yeah you know
and then when you get a nutty person the problem is
human consciousness is so more complex
supposedly than animal
consciousness because we have the ability to alter
our environment so you can’t have
someone whose consciousness is haywire
cause that’s
when you have like serial killers mass murders
what you have is someone whose consciousness is just
gone off the
tracks and into the woods and you have just chaos and
if a society is
aware of itself
it has to realize that there’s certain issues are
gonna come up when you have
crazy people running around killing your family
and your friends
so you gotta kill them what you’re supposed to do with
someone like a mass murderer if you’re
absolutely convinced
that’s the problem really the problem is the court
system the court
system so fucking corrupt and
so many times
das and prosecutors
are just trying to get
they’re just kind of trying to get
a guilty verdict and they don’t give a fuck if someone
is guilty or not there’s many many many instances
where cops are framed guys
that were innocent
people have gone to jail for years
it turns out through dna evidence they were framed
i mean that’s happened many many many
that’s the real fucking problem
but if we could be
absolutely sure
that we knew that somebody was a mass murderer
or a rapist or
anyone with no remorse who hurt
other people
and could hurt someone that you care you
gotta kill them
why why keep around
there’s too many fucking people
you know i mean look it’s not like
they’re not
gonna die eventually
anyway it’s not like if you don’t kill them
you know they’re
gonna fucking
cure cancer and live forever no they’re not
gonna do anything they’re not
a mass murderer is not
gonna contribute to society you know they’re just not
there’s nothing is
gonna nothing good is
gonna come out of that they
should just line them up and like oh you need a new
liver bam you’re on
death row there
should be no like
you know time period and they’re
gonna electrocute you
they should just
shoot you take all the parts that they
think they could use your corneas or that your
livers yeah that’s
an interesting
topic because there was a threat on the
board the message board
on my website
where people were talking about
organs having a memory and
all these people who
have gotten
transplants from people all of a
sudden they knew
things that couldn’t have possibly
had dreams of
people they don’t even know
you know stuff like that yeah
i mean i’ve
heard of many
things like that
where people all of a
sudden had cravings for
certain types of foods and they had no idea that the
i mean this is not just one instance
and see the thing is
about memory like we don’t know
where memory is stored exactly
we don’t mean
they know an incredible amount
more than the average person
about the way the
human body works
much more than
people knew a hundred years ago much more than
you know even a decade ago
but they don’t know
everything there’s a lot of questions man
first of all with
human body your cells regenerate
every seven to ten i
think it’s seven years
so literally
every cell in your body
changes and becomes a new one
like you are you’re a new version of you
every seven to ten years that there
yes there’s they’re not the same anymore
so if that’s the case
where the fuck are your memories
because i have memories that are way more than
seven years old
you know so
where the memory stored if you have a
completely new cell i mean
are the memories like
transferred
back and forth
between the cells when the new one is born
is it born with the same memories i mean
where’s the memory
where is it stored we don’t fucking know
the other idea is that the memories are stored in the
neurons well if that’s the case because the
neurons are the only
thing that stay
the neurons are not you get
the neurons you get or the
neurons you get forever
you don’t get new ones
they don’t regenerate
every seven years
but the heart is filled with neurons
you know it’s like
one of the biggest clusters of
neurons in the body it’s like
right up there with the brain
and i think
people who have had heart
transplants
i don’t think it’s that preposterous that they
would have memories i don’t think
is that preposterous at all
i think it is
and i think that
these people that say that they’re having
dreams stuff they probably
would have had that same
exact dream
with or without it why
would you say that
brian they’re talking
about things they couldn’t possibly have
known about
people have this little have you had
dreams this little
girl gave up the
exact identity
and location of the woman who
of the man who murdered
the girl who gave her the heart
do you know that story
no but it sounded it
sounds perfect
it sounds far
fetched but it
doesn’t mean it’s not
there’s some
things that i read that
like that that it’s kind of like to me
is seeing ufos
it’s either somebody
that wants attention that’s possible that’s just
dumb and they’re
going no i had my arm
transplant and now i can i
think having all these
dreams of people i don’t know it’s that
okay that’s possible i know i know
it’s also possible
that it’s real
it’s the problem
skepticism totally
with skepticism
when it comes to something that we don’t
understand that’s the problems that you know
you run the possibility of it
excluding something because it seems irrational
but the reality is we don’t have enough information
to decide what’s rational and what’s irrational
just the idea
that you have memories at all is fucking nuts
you know the idea that
you can how
about the idea
that you can change people’s memories you know
they say that
especially like right
after something
shocking if you to
start talking to someone
and introducing new ideas to them
they’ll have they’ll
re remember the
whole situation
they’ll change the
whole way they remember
things like
have you ever thought of something was some way
and then you go back you watch the
video you like god
damn it wasn’t like that at all like i had a fucking
i don’t trust my
member that much i trust
some things
there’s some
things that
i know that are recorded in there forever for real
and no doubt about it
there’s some things
because i’ve made sure that i’ve kept that memory
like i’ve had some
pretty intense
experiences
where i made sure like i am
gonna make sure that i record this one right
but other ones are fucking
blur man you know
there’s a lot of them that are blurry
you know you look back on your high
school years like
jesus christ it’s like
slideshows and
i barely remember any of it do you remember
it’s getting
worse and worse
i’m actually pretty good with a lot of
weird memories but then
the other day i was trying to
think of somebody
and that i actually hung out with for
three years when i was a kid
and don’t remember his face at all
can’t even put like my
sister’s like
you don’t remember him we hung out all the time
like i remember him but i don’t
know have any idea what he looks
like yeah i’ve had that happen to me before for sure
that’s fucking
weird it is
weird it’s so
weird i wonder
where all that shit goes
i’ve been smoked
why is it that someone can pull it back though
like someone will say something you go yes
and then all of a
sudden boom the memory like blossoms in your mind
like what is that is it like you’re
given cpr to the memories it’s like they’re almost dead
yeah it’s like a branch of the tree was hit like
a nerve of that memory was
hit and it woke up that section of memory or whatever
yeah something
along those lines
what is that
what the fuck is that
it’s my phone
what happened
oh dude you got a spider on your face look oh shit
that’s a daddy long leg how the fuck did that get on
your house is a fear factor
oh i’m not on
i’m not on obie and anthony this week
it’s not this week they made a mistake
i’m there march twenty sixth not february twenty six
it’s the friday friday before the ufc next month i’m in
dallas this weekend i’m not in new york this weekend
so i’m gonna be at the addison improv
this weekend
friday saturday and sunday
with my man joey diaz
and brian will be there as well if we get brian drunk
might have to talk him into going on stage
brian is actually a
funny comedian he’s done stand up a couple of times
he did in atlanta he did it
what else did you
do you did a couple of
you know i was
going to try to go up on
stage before this weekend just in case if i get too
drunk and put me on stage
but i really it really hurts me to go back and
spend three hours of my life for
like five minutes in front of two people yeah
the open mic nights
it is a grind you
know people ask me questions all the time like hey i’m
thinking about
doing comedy what’s the best advice i’m like man you
gotta be willing to put your
whole life aside
you gotta be willing to
you gotta be willing to
especially if you have a job during the day
you have a job during the day man your
nighttime you now that’s your social life it’s gonna be
stand up comedy you’re
gonna be going to clubs and you’re
gonna be performing
and you have
to do it all the time if you don’t do it all the time
you’re gonna forget all your material the
whatever comfort you gain on
stage will be
eroded very
quickly you
know it’s a goddamn long ass
grind man yeah i
think if i was younger i
would totally be into it but it’s really hard to be an
adult and waste
that much time it is it is hard you know i did it i
started out doing
stand up when i was 21
that’s why i did it
right after my 21st birthday
and i was had shit
going on back then man you know i mean i was doing
things i have you know i had a life
sort of but it wasn’t like i had a family or a
mortgage or
you know no
obligations yeah i have no internet but
i had no obligations you know so it wasn’t
it’s hard when you have a
girlfriend and you have a life and you have a wife
and you have children and you have mortgage fuck man
you know when i talk to dudes that are like forty
and they’re
thinking about doing comedy i’m like you know okay dude
that’s like saying i’m
thinking about getting into
brain surgery man
the thing about
brain surgery
not saying that comedy is as hard as
brain surgery
because first of all it’s not as
it’s not as difficult to remember all the
things you need to remember with
brain surgeries but
it is just as difficult in a way because
there’s no real path i mean you
could suck as a comedian
you can’t suck as a
brain surgeon
you’re fucking
going to jail
so it’s obviously a lot more discipline
involved in
brain surgery because you have to do it correctly but
both are equally
difficult to actually
fucking do and put
anything in this life is difficult if you if you’re
gonna really do it
i mean just think
about if you
started tomorrow
and you wanted
to be a computer programmer you don’t know shit
about computers
you just you’re
starting from scratch
and you want to be a computer programmer fuck
imagine the fucking
work that’s involved in that a lot of reading though
you know it’s a lot of reading nowadays like i mean
i could pretty much
teach myself
some programming
by just looking at videos
you know how to type you know
about computers
you know a lot of shit
about computers you know a lot of shit
about code you know to a person that has no
experience whatsoever and decides
i want to take on a
new career i want to be a computer programmer i want to
code for video games
good fucking luck man
how about i
wanna create
video game engines i just i don’t know where i
wanna be the next john carmack you’re fucked man
you’re fucked
that shit will take forever anything that’s
worth doing
takes fucking forever to get good at
you know and comedy is no different comedy
music is no different
you know i often like look at people playing piano
or playing guitar or something like that
how cool would
that be to be able to just fucking jam on the guitar
but god damn that’s a lot of fucking time
i’ve tried to
learn that though
it’s a coordination
thing for me though
with that that’s something i
think you’re just born with being able to
understand be
able to coordinate each finger a certain way
well it’s also
cultivation
it’s also if you do
things like with your fingers like that
early on in life
you know it becomes much easier as you get older
they say that
the army now is
using they’re
using xbox controllers
for their drones
because these fucking kids are so
used to it yeah and they’re encouraging people to play
video games and it’s just a matter of time before they
start recruiting like the baddest
motherfuckers
in video games like yeah they probably
do yeah i mean like if you could play
like war games with like a keyboard and a mouse
like there’s
these dudes that play
quake like professionally
those motherfuckers
can move that
mouse cursor and put it on an
object like instantaneously
you know they know exactly
where that cursor is
going they play so much
that when they move that mouse
the mouse and the keyboard is way more accurate
than that joystick
thing the joystick
thing is kind of difficult
to manipulate
like the toggles and like
exactly where the
crosshair goes
but if you have a mouse
you can put a
mouse if you
understand like how quick
you know that all depends on you know
everybody likes a difference some people like high
sensitivity some people like low
sensitivity
but the bottom line is
once you get used to whatever it is you move the
mouse that the cursor goes in a certain directions
they can put it like exactly
where they want to instantly
so it’s not like
you’re in a helicopter and you see the insurgents you
gotta move the
crosshairs and get them in line we
haven’t been long we
haven’t been like no it’s bang
i mean they
could do it so fucking quick
i mean that
would be some
crazy shit if you
could have drones
and i like that guy fatality
you know fatality is yeah yeah he’s like the baddest
motherfucking
quake player ever
this dude is just
ridiculously accurate with his
mouth and a cool guy to him
very nice guy but
if you got that guy playing for your army and you had
drones with
missiles in it from that fucking guy holy shit
you know yeah that’s the future man
welcome to the new world
it’s pretty
crazy how video games have
exploded from something that used to be like
little ping pongs now people have amazing
video games on their
phones yeah
it’s incredible
man just look at what you can do with your iphone
playing all
these different racing games and shit
we what we working on the new ufc
fight game right
fuck it’s amazing man when you watch
some of the
graphics and shit like they dive for knee bars
they get triangles
they throw head kicks and
punches flying knees and shit
you see all this
crazy shit all
these different techniques they can do
just like in real fighting
and it’s like
it’s so close
to being like a
video that you like an actual ufc
fight that you can manipulate
you know the
limit is in the controller i think
what eventually is
gonna happen is you’re
gonna have a goddamn suit on
you’re gonna have a fucking suit on or you’re just
gonna have this little wire
plugged in on your forehead and you’re just
gonna think
that could happen but microsoft is very
close to developing the
whole system
where you interact with
the game what’s it called natel it comes out like i
think november or it
might have got pushed
spell it n a t a l
and it’s pretty much just like a camera
or something that sits on top of your tv and then
it reads your emotions
read your motions
yeah that’s that’s incredible because that’s
gonna be fucking cool
imagine having like a ufc game
where you could
learn how to
fight without actually fighting
my problem with that
whole thing is
i think maybe if i was a kid i
would have loved it
but when i’m playing a video game
like i don’t want to have to be doing this shit
you know well you say that you say
that i’m doing it with wii right now
nintendo wii
right yeah but wii is
whack it’s this little
thing and you’re playing
ping pong and it sort of moves the way you want it to
i did a wii car
game once and i was like this is not specific at all
it’s not rewarding yeah but something
about having to like get up
like i wanna you’re a lazy fuck no that’s
what yeah if i was a kid it
might have been better but like nowadays i
wanna play a
video game i just wanna
sit there and
smoke weed but
but that’s dependent
on the graphics what if the graphics were like 3d
fucking super dope
virtual reality type shit
and you had
a virtual gun
and you’re running down a hallway
shooting at all kinds of shit
like you have a gun in your hand and it reads this gun
come on man that
would be the shit
and the actual running that you take
place like maybe
that would be the shit if you had a fucking
warehouse like a
virtual reality
warehouse like you
enter into the door
you put on this helmet
and it’s just a flat out
laser tag yeah
but complete
3d virtual reality
you know yeah and if you get
close to the walls like a little
light goes on you are getting
close to the wall
that would be
the turn right
yeah yeah come on man
i’ve just gotten to a point
where i did this nintendo wii shit just
drives me crazy
the wii is boring man
the wii is like playing pool
but there’s no pool cue yeah you’re just going like
and there’s no feedback
you need feedback man
like i wanna
click a button
and see a gun go off you know i
wanna click the
mouse button and see the rocket you know take off
right that this whole
moving your arm through the air that’s fucking weak
yeah that’s
stupid there’s a
i forget what it was they just said the
other day that
in the future
that they’re
gonna use like google maps
and like street view google maps and you’re
gonna be playing
video games of like your
street you’re
going around into your house
you know what i mean you
should be able
to find out if someone is playing like fucking
doom on your street and
blowing up your
house right
and you’d be like
hey just want you to know they
should like send you an email
it should be like the sims
whereas like your
house is the
house in the video game
and so like if you try to
break in your
house they’re trying to
break in your
house never mind
like everyone
should have their own
house in the
video game yeah that
would be kinda cool that
would be cool
right then you
would know where everybody everyone lives
unless you killed them
you show them in a
video game that they
don’t have access to
for like 24
hours or something like that and you can run away
i’m kind of
shocked that
virtual reality kind of hit like a
the technology
never really developed the way i thought it was
going to like you know you heard
about that shit like
way back in the 80s and i thought wow like there was
movies based on that
and i was like i thought like wow
remember like
well sword dagger
i don’t remember
what movie remember
total recall they fucking
make you could
dream right yeah
that shit’s coming it’s a
total recall what was the one with the
chick with the red hair and
not totally
they’ve already been able to take images
and implant them in people’s minds
and they’ve been able to read images
from people’s minds
like read what you’re thinking
about like you can look at something and the computer
like there’s some sort of
sensors that they hook up to your brain
and then it sends the
image to a computer and
it can tell what you’re fucking looking at
like that’s nuts man
because eventually i mean this is in a very rudimentary
stages of technology
where they can only
pick out shapes and shit
but eventually they’re
gonna be able to fucking see what you’re seeing yeah
that’s it is that one yeah
check out the red hair and fifth
is that the
bruce wallace
movie yeah and they had like memories like that
movies they
plugged like memories in your head that was
how badass was chris tucker in that
movie remember
he was that
crazy alien
remember lawnmower man
that was a good movie too
there was another nutty
movie about a retard that went
crazy right
right put a computer in his brain
right something
right yeah another stephen king book
stephen king
oh no it was strange days was it
strange days was another
virtual reality something
crazy ass i
think it was strange days
that was an awesome man
strange days this guy
right here just said that i can’t wait for strange days
to become true that’s what it was it was strange was it
yeah that was the one
angela bassett
right yeah she will forever be tina
turner sorry you
gotta love do any other
movies i don’t give a fuck
you you’re tina turner um
was gonna say oh this is fucking miss
beverly hills
cheer about this
yeah another one of
these beauty pageant
chicks came out saying that
she doesn’t
believe the gay should be
married and she you know she
quoted leviticus in the old testament
saying that the
you know the
bible says that
it’s some stupid quote like
any man who lays down with a man as if
you know the same way lays down with a
woman it’s an abomination
should be put to death
so she came out and said that
gay should be put to death haha
i love it like
she’s supporting the old testament
which by the way i mean
whatever you fucking
wanna believe
about religion
that’s all well and good you know who knows if
god is real
who knows i mean
it could be that
you know the
bible is completely
ridiculous cause god wants
things confusing who knows
but it gets a certain
point when you read certain
things you gotta go all right
every people
are full of shit and there was no internet back then
it’s not like
you know there was a copy of the the the
bible on wikipedia
and people kept altering it but everybody was like
no that’s not what it says
and they went back and changed it
you know they didn’t the old testament
they didn’t even
write that fucking
thing down for
like a thousand years it was just stories
you know and the idea that
those stories
you can’t tell i can’t tell a
story to him
and he tells it to his girlfriend
his girlfriend
writes it in a blog
and it’s the same
story it’ll be fucked up for sure
i can’t tell you how many times like
someone has gone to one of my gigs
i’ve said something
and then a guy
like will quote on twitter
like i’ll do that was so
funny last night when you said this
about that i’m like damn i didn’t say that like
you’re saying
something fucked up what i said was a lot nicer
you know but when
when you realize like
that memories are so fucking
there’s no way there’s no way you
could be that accurate
over a thousand years or people talking about it
and then on top of it
the original
the old testament
bible was written in ancient hebrew
and to this day
they only know
three out of four words in ancient hebrew 25
of the words
they don’t have a clue as to what they mean
not only that
letters and numbers were the same
thing back then there were no numbers
so the letter a
was also the number one
so there was like numerical
value in words
like the word love
and the word god
they have the same numerical
value in ancient hebrew
but as soon as they
translated that to
latin and to greek
that shit was all gone that shit was all lost so
for this dumb
bitch to sit and
think that god wants people to put
put to death that they’re gay like
this is with the miss
beverly hills
this is a new one new miss
california in
california’s supposed to be so
liberal it ain’t miss texas
do you know who carrie
anne panchy
is or whatever her name is she’s from celebrity rehab
beneish she was the one that had the
threesome with the guy from grey’s anatomy
anyways on this show
celebrity rehab
she you just
wanna strangle her
and i think it’s almost with
these like pageant people
cause i know a couple of
these girls that do the pageants
and stuff like that they’re fucked up in
their head you know they’ve been doing it all
their life these little kids are grown up
remember last time not last time i went to
dallas but the time before
when there was that little girl pageant
at the hotel we
were yes you remember that yeah that was scariest
that was the
weirdest fucking thing ever
we’re hanging out the
hotel and there’s all
these little girls i mean little like six yeah
yeah six years old
with high heels
and makeup on with
their hair done
and jewelry
and dresses
and you’re like what the fuck is
going on here
that shit is an abomination
all right that is a fucking
that is a travesty
i feel like i
was doing something
wrong in the elevator
cause i was in the elevator with two of them
i looked at her and i’m like
oh my god you don’t want
to look at it
it’s like if they were
naked fingering themselves in
front of you
something’s not
right there sometimes my
daughter will play with her pussy
just i don’t know i don’t want to say this
true i mean you
would too if you had one but some the other day she was
lying there and she had her little feet up in the air
just rocking back and forth and
she just two hands
just grabs it
you know and
i don’t know
what to say like what do you say to that you go
don’t do that you can’t tell her not to do that it’s
you know you don’t want to suppress her and get her
crazy yeah we
also don’t want her to be like like in kindergarten
going hey anybody they all do it anyway dude
i got news for you they all do it
don’t you remember doing
weird shit with kids when you were little did i play
doctor me and my friend play doctor with all the girls
in our neighborhood
and i remember the only time i remember the most
we had three girls
lined up and we were like okay we’re
gonna be putting pencils in your vaginas
take off the pants
so we took off
other pants and
we just went back to each one
then we pull it out and smell it
and go to oh
dude what the
fuck but we were all like fine you could give
those girls lead poison
i know they
might be retarded now because of you
they’re off on my facebook too so hopefully they’re not
watching what
you should on
facebook you
should ask them
all questions does anybody remember anything
about pencils
so you remember me putting a pencil in your
crush but this
so this beauty pageant
thing that we saw at the hotel
it was dark
i mean it was really dark because there’s all
these weirdo
fucking religious people
with their kids
dressed like whores it made
no fucking sense
i mean no sense
cause they were they were it was on we were there on a
sunday and they were talking
about church it was all this church talking
you got your girl
dressed as a fucking prostitute
there’s a six year old
dress as a prostitute and you’re talking
about church
they had high heeled shoes on
i mean like this high
which the only reason why
shoes have heels like that is so that
women’s legs look longer
so that guys
think about them
when they’re pushing
these long legs back and fucking the shit out of you
that’s what that’s for
those that long leg
thing why do you
think what do you
think that’s there for
you sacrificing how you can walk
how about that
just so that
men want to fuck you more than we already do which is
wait wait wait wait
wait you have sex with a girl that has her
shoes on like high heels have you ever
done that no
what is up with that though that’s just porno
stuff that’s
ridiculous i mean i’m sure
somewhere in my life you
know someone’s not
taking everything off
it’s possible but
that someone
would like that but the
whole i don’t like them in the
first place i
hate them i think
they’re ugly
and it seems to me like you’re doing something stupid
right you know i don’t want to be like you’re getting
tricked but you don’t need to do it for me
like my wife always wants to wear
these high heels when she
leaves the house
like okay if you
wanna do that that’s all good
but to me it seems like you can’t walk right
i’d rather you wear tennis
shoes but women
love them man they love shoes
they love how they look they love
it’s like how dudes love cars
you know you know like you see like a sixty nine
mustang or something like that
and you go whoa
and you like pull up to it dude look at that
motherfucker you know i’m saying like there’s something
that men have like
women can go wow that’s a pretty car
but it’s not the same as how a dude looks at a car
well for girls
the shoe thing is just
they really fucking love
shoes man they like makeup and
shoes it looks like they’re
opposite sides of the body
cause they’re so ashamed of the middle
they can bleed that’s
gross don’t
look at it look at my
look at up here
my eyes are huge look at my
lashes they’re unnaturally long
yeah right it’s probably something like that my
legs are so long you’re amazing
look how long my legs are
and where do they go to
look up there look at my naughty
well the you know
that’s one thing if you’re a
woman you know if you’re a
grown woman that’s what you like and
you know what the fuck ever who gives a shit you
want to go pierce your balls go do it who gives a shit
but for little kids
that’s not that’s not cool man to have a six year old
dress like a hub
no no it’s disturbing it is disturbing
it felt very wrong
you know and
you know that
whole jambene
ramsey case man that that shit disturb
still don’t know the end
of that case yet
they don’t know we’re
gonna find out the
mother dad still
alive i believe the moms dead all died
maybe the dads dead too
it’s possible anybody know twitter verse
yeah twitter
verse says not cool and i
agree you know
high heels are just as much
an establishment as a male’s tie is both are silly
that’s true
that’s true
braun chisor
god damn these
this twitter shit goes too fast you
think raunizer
um yeah you know you’re
absolutely right i think
ties are completely
ridiculous i didn’t even
i haven’t worn
a tie in a long i did a documentary recently on dmt
and i had to wear a tie
because i played like a rod
sterling type narrator
it’s a really interesting documentary on dmt
it’ll be out
sometime in the spring
but i had to wear a tie
i had no idea how to tie this fucking thing
i had no idea
the last time i wore a tie was
my my first
album grab that
thing off the wall real
quick my first album
in nineteen ninety nine
you know just as a goof
one of things i always said that i love
about being a comedian is
that you don’t have to wear a fucking tie and so
just my first cd
for whatever reason i just thought it
would be funny
if i wore a tie
i don’t know
doesn’t make any sense
just look strange
i had to wear a tie for like 10 years
every day suck
yeah if you want to
work in business man it’s like
there’s an agreement like everyone has to know
that you are willing to wear something
completely ridiculous
because you’re following by the the very
obvious rules of behavior it’s
gonna be really easy to predict
what you’re doing
that’s what people like like i’m a gentleman
you know like as a gentleman
well i feel this i’m a gentleman
we’ve got a tie on
hello gentlemen gentlemen gentlemen
you know it’s like there’s this like
this agreement that you’re not
gonna get too crazy
it’s like my dr phil
impression you know
bottom my shoes are shining
they are very
slippery i’m not chasing
after anybody you know it’s like
there’s something to that there’s something to this
this silly outfit
that you wear that’s uncomfortable
like if people
started doing business
and they had like
rash guards on like
micro rash guards on like they’re
ready to go
jiu jitsu and
shit you know
you know like
why why would
that be bad but it is bad you know you can’t have like
board shorts and
you know saying
you know running
shoes on and you look like you like
ready to fucking pounce
on people that nobody wants that in business you can’t
when you go to business you have to be
dressed uncomfortable
your button has to be all the way up here
you know it’s fucking
ridiculous you know i hate it
i remember i
used to work at this architect firm for my stepfather
and this was when i was
big into acid and
stuff like that
so every time i
would come to work i was either
hungover still
tripping on acid
then you know or something like that
it was such a boring job that
it was acceptable because all that i had to do is make
copies of architect plans do you
think you you fucked up your
brain on acid
do you think you have fucked up your
brain on um
no no i i think i think if
when i was doing it i was
was there any
point i like you know you ever
heard howard stern talk
about his acid trip
no howard stern
talked about it on the
radio and i
guess he did like a
giant dose of acid like way too much and
he was like all fucked up for like a long time
like he was hearing
voices and it was just like a like a real
psychotic episode and
you know that’s
a really that’s the
thing about
psychedelics so you got
to make sure you don’t fuck around and do too much like
dennis mckenna had an
experience like that too
dennis mckenna
with whose terrence mckenna’s brother they’re both
famous psychonauts from
psychedelic
pioneers and
in the 70s they went to
brazil and he took
way too much mushrooms
and he lost his mind for
like two weeks like he couldn’t communicate with people
you know and the last time i did dmt
i was fucking
whacked out for like two
solid weeks
not totally
you wouldn’t
guess if you were talking to me
i was totally normal
i did shows
the shows went great
i went to work i did fear factor
that went great
you know nothing got fucked up in
my but my head was like
i felt very
you know you feel like your consciousness is like in a
foundation your consciousness
is like you know
it’s like booms
solid this is
me good morning you wake up in the morning
hi honey kiss your
girlfriend brush your
teeth this is fucking solid
when i did the dmt my consciousness was like
a little tiny raft in a fucked up
ocean it’s like
you know like nothing seemed
like i kept having
these ideas
that cars were gonna come
launching themselves over the
boundaries and hit my car
while i was driving
and i’m like why am i
thinking this
i’m like what is this about
and then i realized that what it was was
this idea of worrying
about possible disasters
was my ego’s way of regaining
ground and letting me know that it has to have
a certain amount of
real estate in reality and that
if you want to do
crazy crazy
psychedelics and go into
other dimensions communicate with entities and
and reevaluate
you know your
whole position in the
world and then
humankind’s
position with each
other that’s all
well and good but there’s some real shit in the world
that the ego has to be there
for and the ego was like sending me a message um dude
but if a fucking
car launched
itself at you better be fucking paying attention
like there was a certain amount of
of where it was such a mind blowing experience
that there was like a
wrestling match
going on in my head between my ego
and between this new information and accepting
all this new information from the
psychedelic trip
and in incorporating it into the way i look at
everyday life you know and like
you know you think
about someone who’s like a real like a shaman
you know they’re
living in the jungle and they’re all at
peace in the world
they’re not calling people douchebags on the internet
you know there’s a certain amount of enlightenment
that if you achieve it
it’s gonna make it very hard for you to function
in the regular
world and i
think that’s one of the most important
things about
psychedelic trips like there’s a lot of cripples
in the psychedelic
world and in the weed world too
there’s a lot of people that
they’re so into
these experiences
that they can’t
incorporate it into
their everyday life and they’re almost
crippled in
their everyday life because of it
and no psychedelic
experience is
worth anything unless
you can take what you’ve
learned from it
and enhance regular life enhance
your communication
with people your relationships with people
enhance the way you look at the
world enhance your career path
the kind of friends you hang around with unless
it can enhance you
the reality is
we live in this
world for eight
hours a day or 12
hours a day or however long you’re
awake this world
this shit this concrete
world is real
and you have to
manage your way through this and
psychedelic drugs make it very difficult
to do that if you want to have a regular job i
think psychedelics
the main thing with
psychedelics is it opens up a door and
in the past
i’ve been offered dmt
but i won’t do it because
like when i first did
mushrooms that opened up to a door of
things i never thought of or saw before
and it’s never
gonna go away
it didn’t damage my head but now that i know that
exists i know it’s there
and so when acid did the same thing
but there’s a
point where i have to go okay is this door does
this door need to be open is this anything positive
with this door being open
and some drugs are like that for me
cause like salvia
was the closest to the
point where i was like okay that is a
scary door that i opened up
cause that just pretty much made
everything seem fake
like it was like
this world is fake
everything’s fake
and i know that’s not true
but it opened up that door
where i’m like okay that’s almost
too much of a door i shouldn’t have opened up that door
i’m never gonna be able to
get back that
that thought of not knowing that was there i
think that’s pretty we’re pretty much saying the same
thing it’s like
it may if you can’t
bring it back and incorporate it into your
everyday life and like sometimes you open up
these doors you’re like
the fuck am i
gonna do with this
right and then your
everyday life is just
whacked out some
people like
going back to that
that road so much though and that’s
where it gets fucking
scary well you know what i
think most of
those people
their real world is not so hot right
and that’s one of the reasons why it becomes an escape
and i don’t
think it should be an escape i don’t
think you should ever escape
reality you’re here this is this is life
you know there’s
the life can be a
magical fucking intense
fantastic experience if you manage it correctly
but if you just
wanna escape all the time i’ve gotta
think that you’re probably fucking up in this life and
that’s imbalanced you know
the people that always
wanna go and it’s like
like the same
thing with like
video games like remember i told you
about this dude
there was this
dude who used to be the manager at the comedy
store that was addicted to everquest
just completely addicted 8 10 12
hours a day
lost everything lost his job lost his life
he just was so pale
you would see him he was so pale
looked like he
never saw sunlight like he
would order in food and
never leave the fucking
house for days
and he came down the comedy
storm one night
and he goes it’s so
weird i’m so good
at making money
in my online life and so bad in my real life
like he was
started to realize that like he’s
a fucking loser
in this life because
he’s excited
and puts all of his passion and energy into this
other life but that’s just really because this
other life is a new and
exciting thing
a new and artificial
thing and he can control it from
his computer
without dealing with emotions and dealing with all
the fears and anxieties that the real
world presents but
the reality is
if we live life in a computer screen
and we were offered the real world
as a video game
the real world
would be so much more fantastic
you know we just don’t
think of it
as being fantastic because we’re so goddamn used to it
you know if we
lived life in a computer
in a computer
monitor and that’s how you were when you were born
and then one day someone
said you know hey we’ve developed this new game that
allows you to go outside
and you go outside and you actually get laid
and you can go and have a real drink
and you feel it you do a real shot of jack tanners
you go holy shit this is real i can’t believe it
know you go get laid for real
and you drive a car for real
you’d be like dude the real
world is the fucking shit
you would never want to play
video games
the reason why we want to play
video games is because
it’s a world that we can control
completely independent from all
the pros and cons of this
solid world
completely independent
of the emotions and the insecurities
and all the shit that we all
experience but
we don’t like
but the reason why we
experience insecurities and anxiety and anger
these are all like little chemical signals
to guide you
towards a proper life
like what i
found in life
most importantly more than anything is the one
the way that i’m the most happiest
is if i’m putting out positive energy
i’m putting out positive energy to people to friends
positive energy on
stage positive energy with my writing my work
with anything
i’m doing it’s all friendly and positive and
happy and if you do that
you can have a fucking
fantastic life the problem is it’s just difficult to do
it’s hard to keep your shit together it’s hard
not to lose your temper it’s hard
not to you know be obsessed with something and
get sidetracked
and that’s like gambling addictions and masturbation
addictions and all that shit that’s that’s all
about that’s like you’re trying to distract yourselves
from from all the pain of being a
human you know
i mean i think
fucking hunter
s thompson had a
quote like that like
man making himself a beast
to get away
from the pain of being a man i forgot exactly what the
quote was but
something along
those lines
like we distract the shit of ourselves because
the game of life is fucking hard to do man
just like a
video game is hard to do
you remember
back when i used to play
quake like all the time i played
quake like hours and
hours a day
and you and i played
quake online
we played against each other
and you can tell
the difference between someone is playing all the time
because you get really good at it
you know you know
where those buckets are
gonna go and i was
sticking rail guns up your ass and electric yeah
i think you won
120 games and i won one
yeah maybe not totally not fair
and believe me there’s dudes online that
would do that to me just rape me
why because they had put so much time in this fucking
crazy game they
would get good at it but
since you hadn’t put time
how frustrating was it
so fuck zero
so you didn’t want to play
right you want to shut it off
that’s exactly the same as life
if you get good at life the game
then it’s fun as fuck
it’s awesome
you know if you’re leonardo dicaprio
life must be the shit
you know i’m saying
he starred in movies
driving a ferrari
banging supermodels what
he’s got a gigantic fucking mansion i mean
he’s a boob
it must be so fun for him
but not everybody
could be leonardo dicaprio
so if you’re the fucking garbage man who’s you know
came home and his wife is fucking the the newspaper guy
you know that’s that’s not a fun life that’s a that’s
that’s just like
a guy who’s not good at
quake getting murdered
in a game it’s not fun man
it’s like playing pool
if you’re good
like i play pool i love pool i get obsessed with it
but i have a friend my friend max eberly
he’s a professional
and he’s a top professional
i mean he’s capable
of winning when he’s in
stroke capable of winning any tournament in the
world i mean he’s really fucking good
and when i play
against him
sometimes it’s so frustrating and i play pretty good
like for a regular person i play good
but for like a pro
not even fucking
close so when
i play max it’s just getting my ass handed to me
it’s just getting fucked
the only time
it’s fun is when we play on a really really tight
table so occasionally he misses
and then i’m like oh i get to shoot
you know so
he’s much better at that game
you should give him a handicap
or some sort of thing
no we just we
don’t play for anything and it’s good for me
good for me because
you get used to playing
against a guy like that it’s not as fun as playing
against a guy who’s like your speed
but it’s really
good for your game because it makes sure that you
capitalize on
every mistake
sometimes you’ll play
a guy who’s not as good as you and you’re like i don’t
worry about this
because if i miss this guy’s
gonna miss and i’ll have another shot
but with max
every time you miss you like fuck i better
you know i better sit down for a while
anyway i believe that
the hunter s
quote is actually from
samuel johnson and english author
thank you very much sir i thought it was a hundred
times a quote
thank you cj
mik l hinny
mik l hinny
it’s how what
about words with names like schwarzenegger
how the fuck did that ever
get through
like what what culture
ran out of sounds
people that
like string
together something nutty like that people that like to
write in cursive
is that anything this is
gonna be the best cursive writing i’ve ever seen
right right
right like manuscripts they used to
write it on
page they didn’t
have lines in the
paper they just had paper
right and they
would write it exactly
have you ever
heard of the voying
manuscript the
voignet manuscript i don’t know if i’m saying it
right is this
ancient manuscript that was found
hundreds of years old
and they have no fucking
idea what it says they don’t know the language oh they
don’t know anything
about it they don’t know if it’s
just nonsense if some guy was just practicing scribble
but it’s like really long
and there’s consistency and how it’s written but
they can’t decode it
they’ve had
top encryption
experts and
it’s very divided like some people believe it’s a hoax
and some people
believe that it’s some fucking lost language
and some people
think that it’s
glossal alia
like when someone talks in tongues
and that they just went
into a fucking
trance and just some retard with a pen
because that’s got really good writing
it’s got diagrams in it and really good really good
illustrations rather
and diagrams in it it’s like
yeah it’s really complicated
you know and
they found that
that temple and
turkey that is a
seven thousand years
older than the pyramids
very complex
stone temple
carved out of
stone and shit
and now they have to like rewrite like
human history
because like
seven thousand years before
egypt is nine thousand ten thousand bc
and ten thousand bc they were already
like had temples and were worshipping shit and like
that throws a
monkey ranch
clank into the
whole gears
of this the idea of
cultural evolution
you know and there’s been this guy
john anthony west
john anthony west looked that up on google
because this guy is fascinating he’s got an awesome
dvd series called
magical egypt
and this guy is obsessed with egypt he
spent his entire life
studying egypt
and he believes that the
egyptian culture goes back
way way way before the established timelines
the established timelines for
egyptian cultures like 2
500 bc that’s when they
think like the pyramids were built
and that the
culture goes back a little bit before that but not much
and he thinks it goes back like 35 000 years
he thinks that
people have been around way way longer
and that there was some big
break somewhere
along the line like probably
some sort of a natural cataclysmic disaster
like a meteor impact or something like that
you know and it
could be you know 10
000 15 000 years ago like they don’t know when it was
but they think that there was like an advanced culture
and then boom it got fucked up and then
culture rebuilds and society rebuilds
and then what’s left is like they’re living in this
shit that was made thousands and thousands of years ago
and they tried
to imitate it and recreate it and they can’t
and he believes that that’s what it is like
these fucked up pyramids that they have in egypt
it’s not that
these pyramids were like the
first pyramids
he thinks much much more likely
these pyramids were probably like people were
like trying to duplicate
other shit duplicate shit that was already there
you know they believe that that’s
actually that’s
not his theory that’s someone else’s theory
his theory is
one of the things is
about the sphinx
they brought in geologists
and the geologists have like documented the
erosion on the sphinx
and they say that it’s
water erosion
like thousands
of years of rainfall have cut deep fissures
in the whole
enclosure with the sphinxes
and the problem
with that is the last time there was rainfall
in the nile valley was like
seven thousand nine thousand bc
so that would mean that the
this the pyramids
and over the
space around it
would have to be like
seven thousand years
older than the established timeline
and so course
none of the
the egyptologists like the guys have been
teaching forever
that the pyramids and the
sphinx and all that was built
about 2500 bc
they never want they don’t want to accept it
they go well
where’s the evidence for this
culture like it’s
right there man there’s fucking
rainfall for
thousands of years have created this and geologists are
universal about that
there’s no one
who’s disputing that geologists are all saying he’s got
this guy ron
shock who’s a
professor at boston
university has
got over a hundred
professional
professors geologists
to sign off
on the fact that this is undoubtedly
water erosion
which completely changes the timeline
for when the
sphinx was built
there’s a bunch of that shit
going on in
egypt they believe that it’s like
probably you know
maybe even 30 000 years old there’s
a mass extinction took place
on the earth
somewhere around 10 000 years ago
and that’s when the
woolly mammoths died
instantaneously
that’s when the
saber tooth
tigers died noah’s ark
no that’s before them
but the the
like 10 000 years ago
north america
like half of
north america was
under a mile high
sheet of ice
like there was an ice
age going on
and something killed it and
ended it like instantaneously
and they don’t know what it was
and it’s very very
likely that it was a fucking natural disaster it’s very
likely that it was a fucking meteor impact that some
well whatever that guy’s arm
distracting the shit out of me son don’t look at me
well don’t fucking have a monitor open in
front of me
dude surfing he’s not even pay attention
we do one week podcast
this dude is so addicted
to the internet he can’t even talk for one week i’ve
heard you talked before
you’ve heard me
talk well this is online dude there’s 675 people that
have not heard this
story don’t look at me
shut up faggot
anyway i think people have been around way longer
i think it’s much more likely that it’s just
ridiculous that people
still don’t believe in
and how long this
world’s been around you know what i mean
oh like people believe that
earth’s 10 000
years old it just drives me
crazy well you know that’s a not
monster number more than 50
of america according to a gallup poll
which is not the same because
here’s the thing about polls
you can’t say like according to a recent poll
50 of americans believe this because no
no according to your recent poll
50 of americans
who are fucking retarded enough to answer your poll
believe in that
that’s the reality of
polls are never representative of anybody intelligent
because you can’t get me to answer a fucking poll
you can’t get you you got shit to do don’t you have a
hobby you hear
if someone calls you may i have five minutes your time
no that’s for old
ladies who have no friends that’s what that is right
well look at this glitter or
i’m fucking
super baked i just don’t
wanna hang out with the person
i’m like um
okay five minutes okay
you know i’m trying to be nice
but the reality is poles poles represent retards
you know you’re fucking
you’re a dollar you’re answering poles god damn it
the only time i do a poll is if
i think i’m
gonna win something if i answer
20 of americans can’t find the united
states on a
globe is that true
joe beef don’t be
lying joe beef is
lying joe beef
would you make that shit up
solar flares
up in two thousand
twelve bro we’re
crossing the galactic equator then
you know what you know
there’s a guy
which is a richard
tyson is that his name is
what is that guy’s name
the astronomer
really neil
tyson neil tyson
very very intelligent
guy and i really like listen to him talk
and one of the
things he said
about this whole
crossing the aquatic
whatever the
what is it what is that the exact
the way this guy
galactic equator
i think that’s what this guy said
yeah like we’re
crossing through the center of the galaxy like we were
everything’s in line
on december 21st
2012 you know what he says
he says that happens all the time
it says he says that
like that like line up with the center of the galaxy
that doesn’t
doesn’t happen then because it happens all the time
and nothing happens so
who knows if he’s
right or if he’s one of
those guys it’s like
super skeptical
but i think what’s much more likely is
gonna happen in
2012 is something technological
something technological some
crazy invention
you know like
i don’t think it
could be anything
it could be that too it
could be that
2012 what really happens is
nothing happens
and then people realize oh
we have to actually manage this life we can’t just rely
on fucking aliens landing
i was more scared
about 2 000 just because that makes
sense like all the computers
planes dropping from the sky
i was scared too i didn’t
i didn’t do a gig
in 2000 i stayed home
yeah i thought for
sure there was at
least gonna be something small
when two thousand isn’t it
crazy that’s ten years ago now
time is just
fucking flying by man it’s
crazy fast it’s weird
it almost feels like it’s
quicker every year
and everybody says that but
what if time really is quicker
what if like
clocks are moving
quicker too we just can’t really establish
it because that
wouldn’t make
sense cause what
about digital
clocks well no
they all exist in this
dimension maybe this dimension is moving quicker
units of timer
know almost
i think we’re forgetting more
so it feels like we’re forgetting more
of the day because we have more information yeah yeah
maybe right
mm hmm i’ll take
five potatoes
thoughts on the zeitgeist movement
you know what i think
about zeitgeist and all that stuff
there’s a lot of zeitgeist that’s poorly researched
like this stuff that he said about mithra
and different different
gods and stuff that
that are just like
jesus love that is
really poorly researched and incorrect and been proven
wrong there’s a website that says
i think it’s
it’s common
debunking zeitgeist
or something like that i forget what the
what the website is titled but
i mean the guy just
breaks down all the
errors that the dude who made the
movie made and it’s just you know he’s quoting
references and showing very
clearly that the
zeitgeist guys made some big problem big big fuck ups
and i think his
whole though
how sure he is this
september 11th was was
designed and
that you know the
and perpetrated by the us government and that
tower one and
tower two fell
because they
were detonated like you’re sure of that you know
look no one’s
sure that that’s
crazy you can’t say free sport
all this talk of free fall
speed and the
towers fell at free fall speed
yeah they fell pretty
fucking fast but that’s what happens when shit falls
apart it falls
apart pretty fucking fast
especially shit that’s
super heavy
and gigantic
and all that weight is on and it’s all just collapsing
who the fuck knows what happens
when you build a
building that way and you fly a fucking
giant plane filled with jet fuel into it
the only way to really know
mean you can have theories
but the only way to really know is to
build another building
and fly another
jet into it exactly the same way and see what happens
and if it falls down exactly like that one
then the argument’s pretty much over and if it
doesn’t then
you have to go well okay well what was inside the
building did it all burn the same
was it exactly constructed the same
you know and you
gotta try it
again i mean
you have to fucking have more than two
buildings to go on
and everybody’s like
buildings have
never fallen before
look the government does some
nasty evil shit that is
absolutely a fact
but you don’t
know you don’t know what happened there and to say
that you know is just as bad as people who
blindly trust in the us government the thing
that i have a big question
about when it comes to september 11th
is tower seven
and if you watch
video online this
video of tower
seven falling
and it falls just like a controlled demolition
i mean it just goes straight down whoosh
all at once and it’s really
crazy to watch man
you know because like
it implodes from the basement down and every
level falls apart
including like jets of energy like
spraying out of windows like there’s blasts
i mean maybe that
could be because it’s collapsing
i mean that’s a whole
floor of air being
straight through
the window but the problem is it all falls the
exact same time and that
building wasn’t even hit by a plane
it was on fire
and it had a hole in it from like
debris and stuff
and i could see it falling down
but there was a hole in one corner
and the hole
if it’s a hole there and the
building’s gonna collapse
wouldn’t it collapse towards the hole
i mean doesn’t that make
sense maybe
it also makes
sense the whole
standing on a pop can
thing where if you
stand on a pop can and you
knock a little bit off the side
you’re not falling over you’re
going straight down because of the weight
you know meaning
it’s so heavy
even if there’s a hole on it
it doesn’t matter it’s just
going straight down
hmm that’s maybe maybe
i i think with all that shit
i’m like yeah i’m glad there’s people that freak out
about and care
about it cause without them
you know the government’s
gonna get away with a
bunch of shit
but in my opinion you know i don’t
care if the government did it fuck they did it you know
i’m still waking up eating my cereal
yeah but that is one
thing you have to consider i mean
it’s like you you mean how is this
gonna help you
how’s this gonna help you in your life
i know if you get obsessed with this yeah it’s too much
here’s the bottom line people that
think the government
wouldn’t kill people
and nobody died in
tower 7 supposedly
but the thing is
so hard to believe
people think the government
would not kill people
this is all you need to know
for sure they
start wars then don’t need to be
started that’s 100
fact for sure
the gulf of
tonkin incident that got us into the vietnam war
that was a fake
fucking attack on americans they faked it
and they faked it made this big deal
about it so that everybody
would get fired up and realize we have to go to vietnam
that’s fact this is history
you know and the fact that they wrote up a
thing called operation
northwoods the
northwoods document and the
northwoods document was
they were planning attacks
on americans
and they were
gonna this is in 1962
and they were
going this is signed by the joint chiefs of
staff by the way
and vetoed by kennedy
they were gonna attack
guantanamo bay they were
gonna lob grenades into
mortars into guantanamo bay and possibly kill
american soldiers
they were gonna blow up a jet liner
and blame it on the cubans
and they were
gonna tell americans
we have to go to war with cuba well people are
gonna fucking die in that war for sure
and people are
gonna die in
a war that americans didn’t want and so they decided
to do what’s called a
false flag and make attacks on americans
and blame it on the cubans
and that’s a fact
they’re willing to kill people
and only 3 000 people died in september
11th for sure that’s a lot of people i’m not making
light of it but
in comparison to how many people have died
in iraq during the fucking war
they’re talking
about like a million
civilians have died in iraq
since the invasion a million
i mean that’s fucking
crazy look at
haiti i mean
millions of people died from that
earthquake in haiti but
we didn’t have it hd video
fucking you know seeing it
yeah but we’re not responsible for that
no mean well i know i know i know but i
think the reason
why is that they’re willing to kill people
right right i
think the reason why we’re
focused on it
though is just because of that that we all
watched it live
where if you know
if we saw these people in a racket shot live on
tv would probably
be just as big as nine eleven you know
well i don’t know about that
you know i think
i think well
i think the idea was that
it was an attack on american soil i mean that’s really
why it was such a big deal
i mean i remember how everybody got so patriotic
after theirs
do you remember
after september 11th
how everybody had fucking american flags in their car
remember that
weird feeling you were
in ohio back then right
did they have them in ohio
oh yeah it was crazy bad
i left i went to work one day
i don’t even
think i was doing fear factor at the time i
might have been
but i was driving
down down the
street near my house
and every fucking car had a american flag on it was
crazy yeah and i was like this is just
weird this is a
weird feeling it’s like
like people are bowling up
like everybody just just go to fucking war
you know realize like how war like this fucking
culture really is and how
sheep like and
how people are just immediately willing to fight
you know and fight who
the people who did it are dead
like it was a suicide attack
so the people that were responsible for the
deaths of those people are all dead i mean
unless you’re one of
those crazy
motherfuckers that
doesn’t believe that it was a real plane
and then there’s
people that believe that you know they were
piloted by remote control and the
planes were empty and
who the fuck
shit happened almost
what is this
10 years 10 years
and we’re still talking
about it oh my god
it’s so frustrating
talking to the people who
claim to know
that’s when it’s really frustrating
man it wasn’t a
plane it hit the pentagon it was a missile
where is all the people that died in the fucking
plane crash then what they just they took them and
why would they say it’s a
plane why would they
shoot a missile and say it’s a plane
why were there all the
plane parts on the lawn
i mean come on man we talked
about this before it’s all
this yeah the
plane yeah i
think we’d actually last week or two weeks ago
what’s fear factor real nothing is real
depends on how much acid you take joe rogan hates
bruce springsteen
that is so not true it’s not
true you just trying to get attention
motherfucker no i don’t hate
bruce springsteen
born to run that’s a
great fucking song
brilliant disguise that’s a
great fucking song
never got it
dude i don’t love all
bruce springsteen i’m not gonna sit through a fucking
three hour concert of anybody’s yeah
it would have to be like
richard pryor would have to come back from the dead
for i do three i might sit through three hours of
no i wouldn’t i’d get bored
don’t have three hours of good songs
but but i love some some of bruce springsteen songs
no some of them are the fucking shit you know
no one is gonna like i bought an old
rolling stone album the
other day because it had
one song on it that i really liked i forget what it was
but the rest of the
album was dog shit
and that’s the rolling
stones you think
about how many
great songs they have
they have a lot of fucking albums
if you go back into some of
those older
albums and listen to some of
those songs that you don’t know
shit you know no
nobody puts out something that everybody loves
you know and if i like
i mean it’s very rare that i like a whole
album from a band
have you ever been to a real orgy like
with more than 10 people having sex in the same room
like you walked in and you’re like what the fuck is
going on here orgy
yeah like a real one no
not a real orgy
of you no i just
it just it seems like we
were in tampa
remember we were in tampa florida
someone that was trying to get us to go to a sex club
or is it a guy that had a
swingers club
that happened
again with me and ari in
i think it was nashville
me and already were in nashville
we had a saint this driver
who drove us to the ufc
drove us to the comedy club
the same driver all week
and then finally
he’s dropping us off at the airport
and he’s like as he’s
dropping us off
like well if you guys
are back in
town no i have fucking
swingers club that i belong to and
me and my i go what
and it was i go
swingers like who yeah me and my wife were
swingers your swingers
so you let dudes fuck your wife
is like well you know she lets me and i have to let her
what what we get to choose though we have
veto power that’s what i said
we got veto power
like i go so some dude
you feel like you can’t follow him oh yeah no no no no
no big young studs like he’s get to choose
he wants like
old bald fucking
you know vacuum salesman bang his wife
she was his
wife’s mouth
like so bad
i’m like do
watch goes on i want to
watch you know what i
watch you don’t want to
watch your your wife is getting fucking
stuffed in another room
how crazy is that bitch
you know how
crazy is she
you know whenever i hear
about chicks that
wanna fuck like a
bunch of different dudes at the same time like that is
there’s something i mean
look we’re all
wired differently
and you know i like hot sauce
you like hot sauce
you like spicy food
i like fucking really
spicy food like
i fuck myself up i put like dave’s insanity
sauce on on burritos
and i’m sweating
poor sweat is pouring on my face
my tongue is on fire
now to most people they
wouldn’t like that but i like that for some
weird reason
maybe some girls just like bits and
everywhere you know
maybe they like it
maybe it’s just like they’re just
going crazy
maybe it’s not but maybe
maybe they’re broken
you know yeah
it depends on the person
some of them are for sure fucked up
there was this girl on the howard
stern show today that
got fucked so hard
in the ass that it tore a hole in her intestines oh
no and she sewed it back up
and then she was
talking about how she’s just the
other day had two dicks in her ass
i’m like wouldn’t you once your intestines
rip open oh my god
who is this girl
she’s in the new jersey
shore porn jersey
whore or something like that
somebody knows
you guys know she’s on
an hour and
a day knows there’s a
bunch of you fucking
perverts god damn it you people know who it is
get her name
teresa or something like that or
whoever was listening to the
stern show today
and heard that
yeah mr hands that
sounds just like mr hands
but that that a regular dick doing that to you is
that’s even more
impressive the
horse dick you
look at it and you go how does it not kill you yeah
the most amazing thing
about that mr hands
thing if you don’t know mr hands is
it’s a guy who got fucked to
death by a horse
and there’s a
video of it online you can
watch the guy getting fucked by the
horse but the amazing
thing is here
tom they did it
taryn thomas beautiful
thank you very much
mighty hubris you fucking
pervert but
um the amazing
thing about the
horse fucking
video is that
apparently this guy got fucked by a horse a
bunch of times and nothing happened like he was okay
how’s that even happen mr hands is your 9 11
because you talk
about that shit
every day you know
is there a point
where you’re like man i do talk
about fucking
horse fuck no
a lot more than i no
no because it’s a bit of my
acne i know
but now it’s like
part of my job you remember the
shit the ba
face i used to go behind you and always make the
faces all the time
well i found myself doing it on normal faces so like it
would be my mom be like hey mom let’s take a
photo and they’re
like doing this all the time now
i have to stop so that’s why i stopped in the buffets
it was like something
that was like
in my head if you don’t know what the buffets
is and this is a
thing that went on for
literally like five years
every time i took a
picture with someone like
you know someone came to a show and they want to take a
picture with me
every time brian was behind them like this
and there’s
we have to organize them and put them online
it’s on myspace a lot of them are but yet there’s so
many of them
there’s more
we’re talking
about no bullshit five years
worth of shows
thousands and thousands and thousands and thousands of
pictures all with
brian behind it making
crazy fucking faces
i have a picture of me and
david li roth and you’re behind it yeah
fucked up i
think the last
one i did or the one that made me realize i
need to stop doing it was the one i did to brock lesnar
and i was so drunk
and the next
day i’m like
i did not do it with brock
lesnar how about
the one you
did with dane cook man oh yeah and i did think
that’s funny
but no the brock lesnar one like i was like
i need to stop he could easily kick my ass
right then and oh my god i don’t have that
picture you gotta send that
to me i’m gonna put this up holy shit that’s awesome
i’m gonna do it right now because wow i
never seen that photo before yeah i’ll put that shit up
put it on flicker okay
do whatever but i can’t believe i bought face
david lee rock yeah
dude i can’t wait to
know i shouldn’t say this
but i can’t wait to one day where david lee rock won’t
be around maybe what
so we can release that video
or you won’t be a we have this
video of us all hanging out with david lee rock
talk about no no i don’t mean
i don’t mean i mean like he doesn’t
care to say about it right now because
he told us not to talk about it oh
i mean he doesn’t want that
video coming out so the last thing we should do is talk
about what’s on that video
no no i just say we all sat around talked
yeah but wait but
bullshit man you were saying you can’t wait till he
dies you can release no no no no just so we can
like no show it to me because it was so awesome
it was awesome there right yes
it was it was just cool talking to him
right it was basically just david lee
roth talking about
crazy road stories
and there was nothing scandalous no it was just
mean it’s fucking david lee
roth you know
it’s just weird hanging out
with somebody that you grew up as a kid listening to by
his albums at gold circle and
yeah it’s amazing hanging out with david lee
roth was a shit alright hold on
i’m gonna choose the photo
i’m gonna put that shit online so you guys
but this picture
of brian going nutty
behind david lee
roth is just
indicative of one of fucking
you probably have
you some of you guys probably have
photos of me in the
background you didn’t even know
people would get so mad
yeah people must
show face with me before
just get so mad
they go yo joe
bro what’s this
fucking asshole doing behind you and i’m like
no no he’s my friend he’s actually get paid to do that
the guy is tempe
remember he came back twice
yeah he was so pissed off or mad
well there’s
weird people that like
there’s weird people that fucking like take
pictures that they take with you and like put them like
in their living room
frame frame
i went to this guy’s
house once we do this fear factor thing
please don’t tell me that firefox is fucking
crashing again
you dirty cunt
oh my god you fucking
piece of shit we
still on i don’t know
come on
dude come on i don’t know
oh my god you fucking piece of shit
god damn it dude we’re
gonna lose this fucking recording too
i don’t think we’re dude what are we doing
go to the show what are you doing
we froze huh yeah
we’re back it was a mess ladies and gentlemen
we we tried to
to come back online i was trying to put up
an image of me and david lee roth
and what the fuck ever firefox crashed on me
but i was trying to show you the the ba face
we’re all back right everything’s good
i’m gonna try to unload it through here
flickr also has a nice
desktop loader you should download sometime oh
you just drag it to it oh really yeah
okay i’ll get that shit she
put the picture up right now i think today
is the last day of firefox firefox can suck it
they’ve got it’s gotten bad lately and
i’ve noticed chrome’s been really good yeah i’ve been
crashing a fucking lot with firefox
like a lot yeah i’d stop using it
yeah okay we’re back ladies and gentlemen
i apologize
apologize and it’s saved though so if you
are just coming in now they
the first hour and a half is already safe oh it’s
annoying right it’s better if i have a white
thing on my screen because it acts as a light look
oh look there’s a light on but it’s not a light
it’s just a little window i open hmm i’m so clever
make it so i can read your shit though
you know you were back
if you got a life behind a monitor it actually
eases your eyes and puts less
strain on your eyes i see you dr phil dr oz
dr oz a real doctor
right dr phil yeah
firefox does blow
you’re right we’re using safari right now
and all you fucking
silly cunts
that especially all these
fucking mac guys get a pc
that mac garbage
oh it’s the same guy over and over again and nicole
fan 2009 you are dumb
okay you’re dumb you’re a dumb person this whole
mac versus pc thing
what do you give a fuck
and you’re telling
me that pcs are somehow another better than macs
guess what douchebag
pcs get viruses
max don’t it’s that
with you viruses
they’ve written
viruses you
bring me one dude who’s ever had a
virus on his fucking
mac one i know everyone i know who’s had a pc except
voodoo chicken he
claims to have
never gotten a
virus that’s a lie i
think that’s a lie
everybody gets
viruses on pcs just that
alone it’s better to get a mac
second of all
max don’t fucking
crash nearly as much
this wasn’t a mac problem is a firefox problem
everything else on the computer work fine
that’s why i was able to reboot faggot
listen stop
worrying about mac
versus pc it’s just a goddamn operating system
it’s like the republicans
versus the democrats
most of the people on one side of the
other are just on a fucking team and
their simple little brains are
stuck on that team
they might not even
agree with half the shit the republican say
but they support them
and even say well we
gotta support our team you know i don’t
agree what they’re doing right now
but what’s important is we support them
and we know push forward and we get up
republican in office in 2012
they’re just
washing redskins
versus the fucking
miami dolphins that’s all that shit is it’s teams
just like boston
versus philly
philly sucks boston rules
that’s the same moronic bullshit all
right there there
is no fucking philly there is no boston it’s nonsense
you’re a dummy
shut the fuck up all right
how dare you
where was i
anyway did you upload that
photo of course i did
it’s not on there
how dare you
oh i swear to god i
press that thing
they also thing with the thing how
quick it is though
so beautiful
they just told me that they’re upgrading my
download speed to
like 30 megs next
my jesus like thanks
i don’t even have
twenty i have like
i think sixteen
or eighteen eighteen it said
last time it said eighteen
i got the picture of
david lee roth
to do do do
cool motherfucker
that’s hilarious
this is what caused all the fucking
trouble ladies and gentlemen
a goddamn picture of me and david lee
roth but it was just to prove that
brian has been making this
crazy buffets for
years because this picture of david lee
roth was like was like from 2005
it’s like three or four
years ago before we got banned from the comedy or that
store thing yeah because it was at the comic
store right
so that’s 2006 maybe
it was right before he got together with
back together with fan handling before they announced
that they were
going to get back together he was telling us
about it yeah
all right i just put it on my little twitter
and then you see brian in the
background making that crazy face he did that
no bullshit fucking hundreds of thousands of times
that was a long odyssey just to get one picture but
it really wasn’t worth it
epic fail indeed indeed
always talking
about that and no key fan
that fella try out chat roulette
you know what i would think
about doing
that but i don’t want to see any dudes cocks
randomly i i did it i
tried it out i put
i found this
somebody already did this before but i
found this big
black chick
and i put her on loop and then
did it just this and recorded the
screen and stuff
but it was like
maybe 90 percent cox
and i was like yeah it’s not even
funny i don’t i mean
it’s really sad
that there’s so many creepy people out there that
come on well you know what it’s dudes that want to show
their dicks at work and they just
never get the opportunity
but they get it home
and they’re wearing a fucking
wrestling mask and they go
crazy and pull it
and this just suppression man it’s like catholic
school girls
remember catholic
school girls when you were a kid
they were always the biggest sluts
right yeah yeah why
because they
never seen dick
they’re whisked away to some fucking
magical place
where only girls exist
they have all girl
teachers and shit and they’re told that dicks are evil
and they just can’t wait to suck one
they can’t wait
those bitches
can’t wait they can’t wait to get up different
i just want to do the forbidden thing
you know i can’t suppress
human beings man
i like to do it with
maybe like a
five year old girl on loop just sitting there
going like this you know
like that and see if any of
these guys with the
dicks if they like put it away or if they sit no
they would fucking love it man you think
what we can record
them and put them on youtube
hmm that’s not a bad idea
if we get a fake loop of just
a little kid just sitting there
going like like she’s looking at the monitor
and see if the guy like immediately
disconnects or if he sits there
an extra couple
seconds hmm
so they well how does it work do they pull
their dicks out immediately
soon as the log yeah what it is is
right it just automatically put
you in with a room with another person both on webcam
and did they have
their dick out
instantly when i was
doing it when i was doing it was just
guy stroking it so
right when he went in there you’re like
okay so that’s what you should do
you should we
should get a
video of like a five or six year old girl
just freaking the fuck out from the beginning
right so it
only work in the guys that were to beaten off
right because
otherwise we’d have to time it like you know how
tired like normal you know and
going oh my god yeah yeah
yeah and have her
scream call the police
call the police we didn’t have to did we just had to
cook on you know that kind of a
better better call
it’s freak this
motherfucker out you know
yeah because they can
catch you the freaky
weird dudes are mostly straight
gay get sex all the time we are less repressed
yeah right shut the fuck up
let me tell you something everyone’s fucked
up don’t you tell me that gays are less repressed
course you more repress society represses gay sex
gays are just as fucked up
as religion
repressing straight
sex and a lot of gays grew up in religious
households too
and that makes them
extra fucked up
it’s not like a coincidence that gay people
do so much crystal math and there’s so many gay people
that love to party and
their lives become a reckoning
fucking towards
their immune system
gay people there’s a lot of
crazy fucking gay people and
not repressed
doesn’t always mean that you’re not fucked up
i mean how about bug chasers how
about gay dudes that are purposely trying to get aids
you know that you
gay dudes who
purposely try to get hiv they want to get it
they think there’s something hot
about it and
so they go and have unprotected sex on purpose
hoping to get hiv
that’s fucked up
you know you can’t say that
gay people are less fucked up
sexually than straight people everyone’s fucked humans
across the board
universally
are fucked up it’s just way too difficult to come out
and have your shit together
i mean how many people like really have a shit together
if you had a
guess the numbers
one really has
no but i mean
have your shit together to a
point where you know like oh he’s not doing anything
self destructive
he’s being productive and positive it’s like
maybe one out of a hundred man
maybe out of the people that you meet
one out of a hundred the other ninety nine are nuts
you know half nuts
partially nuts you’re nuts i’m nuts we’re both nuts
you know i mean how many i mean
even the dalai lama is fucking nuts
you know the dalai lama said
he called he said that oral and anal sex were
were forget
forget the exact word turns he used sexual
deviations or something like that
but he was saying
well i forget the term that the dalai lama use but
basically was saying
that oral sex is
is really bad it’s terrible for you you
shouldn’t do it
like you shouldn’t eat pussy
the girls love it it feels good
and i like doing it right
you like doing yeah we’ve talked about that
there’s actually
science now saying that it can
cause cancer
in the person that’s
eating out the girl now or something like that what
are you fucking remember we talked
about this once we talked
science no we
never talked
about eating
pussy yeah we made a
video we made a
video about it
where i talked
about eating
pussy and we were talking
about it in that
video yeah but we didn’t say eating
pussy gives you
yeah it’s something that came out they’re talking
about how you like to
lock out of it like a slug i know that’s how we
start remember that
i don’t remember eating
pussy gives you cancer dude i
think you might have just made that up no oral
sex please twitterverse tell me
sweet jesus
please please please tell me
that you don’t
get there was some kind of
study that i’m eating
pussy oral sex increases
throat cancer
wrist serial
sign to say
no that’s for girls because dudes who have fucking dick
ward shove their dick into the girls mouth
and the girls
mouth gets infected
like if you have the
human papilloma
that goes both ways um
girls and guys can both get the hpv
virus from eating pussy
yeah that’s you’ve seen what
works for chicks because you’re mixing up with
fucking blood in there
you know you
might get a
clot back there in the corner that gets inside an open
sword and mouth ever
does sort of make
sense you know
earl sex can
cause throat cancer
march 9th 2007
man kind of sucks though because that’s my favorite
thing to do so i moved on to the it’s just
fuck son what’s wrong with you boy
what time we got here
four forty three but we were down for ten minutes so
who’s this one dummy to keep saying
have i ever shit my pants
you know there’s something wrong with you as a
human being if you keep answer asking the same
stupid fucking question
over and over and over again like the same
that’s what’s interesting with you
that’s what’s interesting to you
mm hmm
all right let’s go to
we’re gonna go to forums dot joe rogan net and see
what the questions are we put up a thread
like we do every week where
um
people ask questions and shit and
dallas this weekend addison improv
three nights almost sold out
bitches so friday it
is almost sold out late show saturday
night is sold out the
there’s only
40 or 50 tickets
left for both shows friday and saturday
or both shows on friday
and the first show on saturday so it’s selling out
quick so if you want to come
to dallas by the time we get on the radio
when we get on the
radio it’s gonna sound
quick we’re
gonna do lex and
terry and a couple
other radio stations so that’s
you know if you wanna
jump on it you
gotta jump on it now
when are you
gonna get your tattoo
the new one yeah it’s
gonna start in
april i’m getting another
sleeve but you i just thought of what i want to get
covered up on mine
yeah we give a cat on top of that because that what cat
your crazy explosion cat
what the the japanese
that you know that cat well i’m
gonna go i’m
gonna go and get this
lasered off
you are yeah
lasered yeah this
one the old one i have up here because i’m doing the
whole sleeve
yeah but you do
laser there
no you have to go to a clinic that
doesn’t it hurts like a
motherfucker but
a tattoo let’s see let’s see don’t be a pussy
did ever did
i ever tell them
what how i found out what my tattoo
no tell us or okay so i show the tattoo first
tell the whole
story okay so when i was younger i was a manager of a
movie theater one of my employees wanted to be a
tattoo artist
while he tells the
story i’m gonna pee
one of my employees wanted to be a
tattoo artist and she
her boyfriend owned a tattoo studio
so the whole time
she’s like you know he’s teaching me
every day how to do tattoos and i do it on like
watermelons or something
like that to practice and she’s been doing it forever
and finally one day she’s like you know what i’m gonna
start doing
tattoos now
so if you know anyone that needs a tattoo
and she’s like
i’ll hook them up and i go wow how much are you
charging and she’s like for you
i’ll do it for free or something like that
cause you’ll be my
first person to ever do it
so i’m like
thinking free tattoo
that’s awesome
so i went there it took her
eight hours or something ridiculous
to do this tattoo
and it originally was supposed to be an
egyptian turtle
with my name on
in chinese or the letter r in chinese
in the middle of the turtle
in chinese it was some
stupid i was really
stoned or whatever
and it hurts so bad she did nothing but scar me
so i have tons of
scar tissue
and it’s like the gayest looking
tattoo it looks like spider man
was in a gang
gang fight or something i can’t
anyways so anyways
so one time i’m at this bar and
this chinese girl goes let me see that tattoo
and she goes
why do you have that on your arms
did she really talk like that
it was worse than that she had a cock in her mouth but
she looked at
it and she goes let me see that and she goes why do
you have that on your arm i’m like what are you talking
about that’s an r in chinese my last name blah blah
blah she goes that’s not an r she’s that’s like
flowing water that’s like a
waterfall do you like
waterfalls so i guess my
tattoo means
water let me see it
again so gay
anyways i was thinking
about getting the
getting that
that you know how there’s
cats in chinese restaurants yeah they have a clock
that could be like the clock
good i’ll have
aaron dellavedova
from guru tattoo we’ll do it together that’d be awesome
or we have someone else guru they have like
seven fucking killer artists
he can recommend
somebody we’ll have him draw a honky kong we’re
going i got my
tattoo done at guru
tattoo in san
diego they roll
and they’re awesome
killer artist
my guy the guy that did me is
aaron delvadova and he only does big
giant pieces he did my
whole sleeve
50 hours we went down there i
think seven times
right and that’s
gonna be the same we
still do this
there we’re
gonna do we’re
gonna do this there too
we’re gonna
do it again yeah
we’re good so we’re
gonna do brian’s
we’ll find you a good artist there man he’s got a
whole killer staff of
killer artists honky kong
still there because i wear a shirt every day almost
i bet he is i bet he is we can find out man
when does red band
start stripping oh it’s edward cat flap
oh hi flappo
it’s probably not him
hello kitty is worse than waterfalls it’s not the hello
kitty man how dare you bro hello kitty
i didn’t stick good luck
i didn’t take a bump i peed i’ve
never done a bump in my life
it’s one of the few drugs that i’ve never done
there’s a bunch of them that i’ve
never done i’ve never done anything addictive
this hockey kong in there in front
artist they had a
bunch of killer artists man that place is awesome
it’s in pacific beach and it
still works
it worked on i don’t think so
i don’t think so i think that guy lost his marbles
anyway what the fuck were we talking about tattoos no
something doing cocaine in the bathroom oh
i’ve never done any coke i’ve never done coke any ever
because when i was in high school
my friend jimmy his cousin
was selling coke
sitting said my friend who
let you fucking guess
but he was selling it and
when he was
doing that he lost all this weight and he fucking
he would like hide
in the basement or in the attic rather and just they
would do coke and
watch tv and him and his
girlfriend were just zombies
and i saw his
whole life fall
apart like i
watched it happen and
i remember like saying that fucking stops bad for you
i just remember
nothing but bad things
from high school
and and you know
right after high
school of people and coke
just like i
just was very obvious to me the coke is like the
worst thing you
could do here
de nitrous no
oh like from
whippets yeah i did it once once when i worked at a
ice cream place
i didn’t like it just give me a headache
we used to go i’ve done mdma
so guy asked me if i done it i did ecstasy once
only one time and it was awesome
but the next day was so bad
the next day i was so stupid my brain was like
it felt like a sponge that had been just wrung out
dry and then just left in the sun
you know and then you try to
like clean something with it it was just like
it was so my brain was so dumb it just
i was feeling so bad the next day
i was like this cannot be good for you
it’s gotta be fucking terrible for you
who knows what it was in it though
it might not have just been
mdma pure mdma it
might have been like they say that people cut it with
speed and shit like that you know
but anyway yeah i couldn’t read the next day that guy
bring rem show
gallery rem
shoe gallery
yeah i couldn’t read the next day man
literally i was sitting in
a starbucks and i was trying to read
a magazine and
i was like i can’t even fucking concentrate on this
i couldn’t literally couldn’t focus
it was it was bad
it was a fucking
great time though that
night i can
understand why people do it
and i guess if you’re not a big reader
you don’t mind feeling stupid
the next day
wouldn’t be a problem but for me man
i’ve talked to people who say this
no the next
day they feel fine it just depends how much like
strict nines in it and
stuff like that
have you ever
candy flipped
where it’s a piece of
candy and has
ecstasy on one side and acid
on the other side
i heard that’s
crazy though it’s a
great combo
yeah yeah but i
heard it’s like whenever you combine
things like that the recovery time just
accelerated
oh man it’s even more time
i’ll enjoy it nowadays
so what else what’s the best weed
the best weed is the weed that you got bitch
you know if you have the options
see the beautiful thing about california is this
there that guy’s fucking great
go with that guy man
that’s the perfect style look at this style yeah
could totally see that guy doing it
adam hawthorne i think
the thing that’s cool
about california is the fact that you get to
go these places and experience
with all these different strains
with joey diaz mixes it up every day he
thinks that that’s a
poo that shit is badass was that right there
joey diaz thinks that
see what this guy’s tiger looks like ooh
joey diaz thinks that he
should mix you wheat up
every day we’re on guru tattoo dot com guru tattoo
joey says that if you
smoke the same weed every day you get used to it
but if you mix up
strains every day that every day is
like boom boom so joey buys like a little bit of weed
every day it’s like a if
you smoke weed
every day you get used to it i mean i have to take good
three days off nowadays but
joey smokes weed every day
i try not to joey
smokes weed everyday
joey ain’t taking no days off yeah
you know when you go
we’re on the road
and we pass by joey’s
hotel room like we’re all staying in the same
hotel when you go to get joey his room
stinks of weed
i mean fucking
stinks every day it
stinks a weed
he always knows the
right guy in
every town to get him weed
you know and he always gets it
joey’s an everyday weed guy i don’t i don’t
smoke weed every day i like to take days off
think it it’s better
i don’t like that i don’t like being
completely obliterated
every day i don’t
think that’s just healthy
you know all
right let’s go to the questions on the
message board
oh your charlotte north carolina date
changed it changed or the venue changed it did
what is it now it’s
amos southend hmm
amos southend okay whatever there were there for a
ufc so the way
it always works is whenever i’m in town for a
ufc i always do a gig
the day before
so let’s go to the message
board i did a gig in
sydney had a
great fucking time
australian people are the shit that show was fun man
but the show was could
could have been better because i got too drunk the
night before oh we got too
drunk my brain was
first of all i was fucked up because i
could not sleep
cause you’re nineteen hours
ahead when you go to australia
so your body
doesn’t know what time it was
i’d be exhausted
i go to sleep
three hours
later i wake up
and i didn’t know what i thought
i was taking a nap like my body had no idea i could not
sleep for like
eight hours in
session i couldn’t do it
so i’d sleep by
three hours
get up i try to read a beat off i try to go back to
sleep again i
sleep for another hour and i wake up
again like it was so confusing man
but um friday
night when we got there
it was me and
eddie and tom
segura me and
eddie and tom
segura we went to a bar
and got fucking blitzkrieg
we just pulled up
to the bar we set up shop like right
right by the bar at this club
and you start buying people drinks
just went nutty
i must have bought a hundred fucking
drinks really just
pointy drinks
cheaper or more expensive no
i don’t the dollars all the same it’s very
close dollars like
it’s like 92 to
our dollar it’s
worth 92 cents or
might be the
other opposite
ours might be
worth 92 cents
i’m not sure
which one but
people are so you see any
kangaroos anywhere yeah we did the zoo
oh depressed
depressed kangaroos just
lying around like this like
motherfucker
that’s what we were talking
about earlier more talking
about the killer
whale that kill people yeah
the zoos bum me the fuck out man i
would like to see a kangaroo
in the wild but they’re dangerous they’ll fuck
you up was there anything in australia that was just
completely insane
their bathrooms have
weird purple
lights in them
it’s like you know how you grow up we were talking
about this me and
eddie and tom
about how you know when you grow up you’re
taught that
everything sucks
except america
right all the
countries suck
all the same australia is the shit
yeah i mean it’s beautiful it’s clean
really nice
houses everywhere
the restaurants were
great the people were friendly
and the economy is not
completely fucked
you’re driving on the left side of the road
which is weird
but other than that you get used to
that what’s
the difference you know it’s just what you’re used to
other than that
it’s fucking
phenomenal i mean
other than that
what a great country man i mean it’s amazing and
comics like
my friend eddie ift
he’s huge over there huge
guy sells out all over the
place does tv shows
people come to see him
he’s told me they
write about him in the
paper when he’s at a bar
but in america you
can’t fucking
get traction for whatever reason
large blossom
ufc that was
great you know
large barkers gigantic in australia fucking monstrous
he sold out some
place supposedly was like a 1500 seat place
sold it out something like 20 something
nights in a row
i mean it just craziness
they love american
comedians over there
so the show was fucking fantastic i had a great time
few people walked out but
that’s gonna happen
man if you don’t know what you’re getting into
you know i was trying to tell people that
if there was a big sign in the
front of the show
that said warning the show will
contain language
and material
as extreme as you
could possibly imagine
but apparently
some of the shit i said people couldn’t imagine so
they didn’t know what to expect but
sorry you got bummed out but
99 of people had a
great fucking time but yeah it was pretty wild
crazy show but also
it was because we were hammered that
night too so two
nights in a row we got barbecued
so i was planning
on going to australia
and doing all this writing
but alcohol just
sticks a fork and all
those plans you know
you said that
that when you flew to australia it was like 17 hours
was the flight really did it really feel like 17
hours was at the
point where
you were just like fuck this i need to jump off this
plane this is too much or no
now no i wasn’t that bad
you know you just
my cats are fighting
you know you just
you read you
watch a fucking
movie get on your laptop
i was you know
going over some material on the way over there
the real problem was once i got there i thought i was
gonna write but it was just so
it was all get drunk
recover from the drunk
drink a lot of
water get drunk
again recover
you had like
like small little bedrooms almost on the
plane right
plane was dope
we flew first
class on qantas and then some i
think it’s called the a310 or something like that
giant ass fucking plane
and they’re huge man
they’re like
it’s like a little
apartment man
was like coach like like
i don’t know
just regular
was like futons
no coaches just fucking
coach man business
class is pretty dope business
class is just as good as first
class wow pretty
close to it but
coach fuck you they say
they don’t tax yeah go
on i’ve been like hey let me hang out in your bedroom
my man i can’t imagine
flying 16 hours in one of
these ass chairs just
jam next to
ralphime on one side and
kevin smith on the other
after they ran
a marathon i can’t believe that somebody kicked
kevin smith off his fucking
how dumb are you it’s like
do you not know who i
guess a lot of people don’t know who he is with
like the way he looks
like they don’t know that that’s oh that’s that
famous director
you might want to shut
the fuck up that guy’s on twitter all day every day
he probably ruined southwest
that cost them
money for sure
don’t you think
well part of me
thinks so but then the
other part of
me is like they just got so much attention
you know especially if you hate fat people
you’d be like fuck yeah i’m going to
southwest so
they lost the fat dollar
i bet there’s
a lot of fat people got bummed out how does
ralphie may fly
southwest because
you know how much
money that probably
saved him all
these pissed off fat people that aren’t flying
southwest now just save them
there’s already studies that they were
thinking this is ridiculous
they were thinking
about making you take a shit
before you flew
because they
found out that if they made everyone go to
the bathroom before they got on the airplane that they
would save so many dollars per year
like this was a real
study that they were
going to do is
it southwest
this wasn’t
southwest it was american airlines or something
like that oh my
god so can you imagine
now that they have all
these fat people pissed off that
we’re not gonna fly
southwest it’s probably
they’re probably
earning 5 million dollars a year i
wonder how much it cost them more
to fly like fuel
wise to australia for a fat guy than for like a small
guy oh i’m sure it’s big enough times
100 than you
would imagine my god you know
huh yeah it kind of makes
sense maybe
southwest paid
kevin smith in this is
all just to save them a million a couple million a year
kevin smith
would never do that it’s like the fact that
kevin smith
has integrity
i met him he was cool he
wouldn’t do that yeah
he is really cool he’s a very nice guy
yeah i met him when i came into
decay rock once
krq in la very fun
radio the last
of the terrestrial
radio stations in la
fucking radio in la has vanished
i wanted to do
radio for a long time i was
thinking about doing it
you know i was
thinking what a cool
thing that would be like we have some
interesting conversations
you take callers talk to people online and shit
you know but
it just died when they had that ninety seven
point one you
know fm talk
i was like how cool
would that be let’s get a
let’s get a fucking radio gig
you know let’s do well you’re
gonna do it in denver yeah
back yeah i was thinking
about doing it in denver
i was thinking when are you
going back to denver people keep on asking me that
well this is
ufc in march but
i haven’t gotten a
venue to do
stand up app
so i might just go back and
no no no stand up just have fun
just do the usa
i wanna go back and
check out my
house and see
if i can find a fucking mountain line that ate my dog
what if you came there and your dog was sitting on the
front porch
he’s been living off the land
and he’s this big butch
lassy looking dog now
he’s a real
dog man he got
jack believe me he was gone for weeks there’s no way
your dog does not appreciate black people’s
people’s well if dogs aren’t around
black people and then also they see a
black person they’re like what the fuck
was he that color what’s going on can dog see color
maybe they just see darkness
don’t dog see a black and white
maybe you think it’s a dude with a mask on
okay ladies and gentlemen
let’s go to the message conan’s new look
conan o’brien is a new look oh with the beard
well you know what he’s got 35 million in the bank now
it’s just kicking it you know
today i interviewed a squirrel in my backyard and then
threw to commercial somebody help me
oh that’s pretty funny conan o’brien
now has a twitter by the way it’s conan o’brien
i love the whole conan
story it just shows you how retarded networks are
you know and first of all
they should never change shit
you know what they should have died i
appreciate the jimmy fallon
people enjoy jimmy fallon show
but you know what put that on
after conan o’brien
you know go back to the way you had it don’t be stupid
you want to go
jayla out tonight show
while you want to go middle america and
throw a lot softballs and
not offend anybody
and then keep the conan o’brien
show where it was because with conan’s on
he can do you
know all that craziness the
fucking insult dog masturbating but you do it late at
night because
you’re allowed to do more
crazy shit late at night
you know what’s his face
remember when
we were talking to norm mcdonald outside the ice house
he had the best point
nor mcdonald goes he goes
well what fucking difference does it
make what time he’s on anyway
nobody watches it
you watch it on your fucking dvr
yeah yeah you see it on youtube
who cares rihanna
11 30 or 12 30
12 30 is better
you can get away with more shit
he was totally right
i like how he’s saying all this but yeah his
phone was from
nineteen eighty two so i was like you know
the fact that he had a
phone at all
when i when i ran into
him i ran into norm
mcdonald once when i was doing some canadian gigs like
a couple of years ago
and when i ran into him he didn’t have a cell
phone i had to call his home
phone that’s right
it never fucking cell phone
i didn’t have one
cause i don’t want people to just
be able to get in
touch with me
sometimes i just
wanna fuck off and disappear
i love that dude
yeah he’s hilarious man he’s
norm mcdonald the host in a talk show
would be the shit yeah
that would be
i would tune into that talk show
because he wouldn’t let
get people get away with anything
you know he’s nuts you know
he’s a loose dude he’s wild
he would be a good
couch guy for like conan
cause have you ever seen him on the
couch with like
i forget who it was
the whole time he was like kraken joe yeah
that was awesome wasn’t he yeah
he would be a good like
a good side guy yeah
and you know i have like a straight guy
and then he’s the side guy yeah
what is my take on the weed
stores in la getting raided
it fucking sucks
you know the
whole thing makes me makes me sick
you know the
whole thing is so
so strange man
it’s so strange that they’re
still fucking with people
apparently the way the law is presented though in
california and i’m not sure of this
is that they believe
that the way the law is presented is that you can
give weed away
and you can
sell it as long as you’re not making a profit
and that these
collectives are supposed to be to provide
medical patients with marijuana but
apparently there’s people out there that are
flaunting the wealth and they’re making a fuckload of
money off of it
millions and millions of dollars off selling weed
now if that’s the case
there’s two parts of me
one part of
me that says well you know what fuck you they
should be able to sell it
you guys are douchebags
but another part of me says hmm
maybe be better
maybe would be really in the
spirit of weed if it was free
maybe you really
would be in the
spirit of weed that it isn’t
there isn’t for profit
you know people will well
down man these
stores couldn’t
exist and they couldn’t sell it
yeah but weeds not that hard to grow man people would
still grow and sell weed
and you know people
would sell it illegally i mean there
would be plenty of people that would
you know if you want good
weed you got to talk to this guy and it’s expensive
but i kind of like the idea of it not being for profit
there’s something
about it that
that bugs me that people are overcharging for this
plant just because it’s illegal
it means fucking
some places it’s
super expensive you know
five six hundred dollars an
ounce for like really
powerful potent weed
you know which i
understand the guy
should get paid for his growing and this and that
and i totally respect that
you should be able to make a certain amount of
money for it but
if it was legal
it would be way fucking
cheaper than it is
right now the reality is
the reason why it’s expensive at all the reason why
these guys can make
millions of dollars and profit off of selling wheat
is only because it’s illegal
and difficult to get and you have to get it from
these places
if marijuana was
legal and you
could grow your own
which is how it should be
you have no need to buy it
you could have a little fucking
plant in your backyard
it pretty much
already is like that
but it’s not this guy got fucking arrested it’s not
this guy just got arrested
this guy just got arrested with 24 different counts
and he’s they’re
gonna trust him
and the way it works
apparently is what
obama has said is that they’re not
gonna charge people
who are who are
only violating federal law cause
federally it’s illegal
they’re gonna go
after people who gonna
violate both federal and state laws
so you have to follow the
state law to the letter
and they’re making an example of this one dude
apparently well i mean if you go and get a license
you’re allowed to grow what seven
plants or something like that
yeah you’re allowed
to grow a lot you’re allowed to have like a half a
pound of weed yeah
you could even
get the other
license that you can do up to like 21
plants yes i got that yeah you have that for some
weird reason
they asked me if i
need an exemption
and i said what’s in the exemption
for he goes well you
know the regular amount of weed is not enough i go yes
the regular amount is not enough
i need more so
you could pretty much anyone can get that
even kids could probably get this shit
but if they can get that
license so if you
could just grow within your amount you
could pretty much
do that now and even if the cops came over your house
right but it
could be people that don’t have the room to grow and
they don’t want to be hassled and they want to
be able to go out and purchase it at a reasonable rate
and i agree
there is a reasonable rate but
right now the rate is so high that marijuana is
worth more than gold
marijuana is
worth more per
pound than gold is that seems a little crazy
you know i mean it’s
definitely inflated because of the fact that there’s
no competition because of the fact that it’s illegal
and it’s a fucking plan
it should be
legal everybody
should be able to grow it if it was
legal there
would be nobody making millions
and millions of dollars off it the real problem is
it would fuck the economy up
because pharmaceutical
companies would just fucking nosedive
there’d be so many different
pharmaceutical products
that would be
they would be useless
do you know i believe that to a point but
right now i have weed whenever i want have we but i
still have tums for my stomach i
still have aspirin
for headaches you know they didn’t replace any of that
right you don’t have fucking glaucoma dude you
oh yeah you have there’s a lot of different
medications for add
but there’s a lot
those are the billion dollar medicines
it’s not tums bro
but you know what prescription
most of these people that
are saying that it’s the best drug for glaucoma and
stuff are just hippies wanting weed to be
legal because if you look at them the
medication for
glaucoma in comparison
i bet you it’s better than
weeds no it’s not you
know marijuana is the best for
interocular
pressure i believe that it’s what it’s called
when glaucoma
apparently it’s very painful for people
and marijuana
apparently is the best at relieving that
it’s the best at
restoring people’s appetite when they have chemotherapy
that’s why cancer patients like it
it’s the best at
it’s the best that a lot of different
things do there’s
people that have had kids that have autism
there’s a video that we showed and we
made that clip
the kid that had autism and
it was the only
thing that calmed
the kid down and made him normal was weed
you know it’s
great for a lot of different
things and all
those different
things are prescription drugs
that are worth
fucking billions of dollars
every year to
pharmaceutical companies
which is why
they lobby against
recreational drugs
so called recreational drugs
which is why to this day
partnership for a drug free america to this day
gets money from
pharmaceutical companies
they got money from alcohol companies and tobacco
companies millions and millions of dollars in the past
and because of that there was a lot of criticism
so they no longer get
money from alcohol and tobacco companies but they
still get money from fucking
pharmaceutical companies
pharmaceutical companies are responsible for
oxycodone vicodin
percocet all that shit i
still don’t
think it’s gonna be like if they
made it legal
like all these
companies are
gonna go out of business
i know my mom’s not
gonna be smoking weed she’s
gonna be like no i’ll take the
other thing
some people
would be dumb enough for a few
generations yeah they
would be dumb enough well there’s just
people that we just
doesn’t work with
and that’s like
50 60 that’s
never going to
change for the
things that we’ve talked
about it’s not 50 or 60
weed is a real effective
medicine for a
bunch of different
things yeah but
more importantly it
would be great for textiles
it would be
great for you
could eat it
i mean it has all the essential
fatty acids and the seeds
no amino acids
there’s a lot of different fucking
things that marijuana is good for besides just
just getting you high
right it’s incredible that it’s illegal it’s really
mind blowing that it’s illegal that in two thousand ten
with the access to information that we have
today the fact that it’s
still illegal
that’s fucking insane man
you stream laggy yeah you
streams always lagging man anything on
the internet’s laggy nothing works perfect this fucking
the internet is in a
it’s in a stage
right now it’s not done yet
the irs plane
crasher guy having a hangar
co leased by member of homeland security and having
ties to intelligence agencies
is that true
well i know that he
stole that plane so i don’t know it wasn’t his
plane if that’s what you’re talking
about oh really
but you know what i’m all for that guy because what
you’re all for that guy that
crashed his
building his
plane did anyone die in that yes
oh they didn’t all
right i’m sorry i was just working
but fuck the irs
wow i’m still dealing with that bullshit
they’re like fucking
okay this bad
bad bobby’s telling me that gold is one thousand
one hundred dollars an ounce
in british columbia and
the best weed is
three thousand
two hundred dollars a pound
it ain’t more than gold
it’s going for less than 17 000 a
pound here in the us oh i
stand corrected
thank you very much sir
sounds better
yeah i know what’s worth more than gold cash
hash is worth more than gold isn’t it
damn hash is expensive as fuck
how much is a pound of hash go for
more than pound a hash hot but a
hash go fucking
punch a hole through to another dimension
imagine we smoked a pound of hash
hash they make out of weed somehow another and
then the resident they do it the resin
how do they do it though do you know how they make it
i don’t sound sort of a complicated process
but i’ve had it before and
it’s a strange high
it’s it’s very very i miss very
strong i’m gonna do opium again
opium is awesome you did opium
fuck yeah it’s not much different than ash
really yeah
it looks if i listen
a little like opia so now heroin
no no it’s like
it looks like a piece of soap it
smokes like hash and it smells like a hippie
like patchouli
it smells like patchouli when it burns really yeah
it’s kind of like i don’t know
like a hash kind of feeling
hmm i’m scared man
yeah the the gold
thing i didn’t really research that very well
it was something else
sorry i said that incorrectly there’s something else
that that marijuana was more expensive than
per ounce it was oil
does that make sense
worth more than oil
worth more than something that’s worth a lot
let’s go with some other questions here
damn with the you stream
powerful you stream
opium smells like flowers and is super addictive
from the poppy
there faggot why you doing something super addictive
brian’s already did
not addict brian’s
cat had a hangnail and that got him start smoking again
it could know it was and i got audited by the rs but
before that it was your cat got to hang me on
no it was my cat had a fucked up foot
kind of fucked up
his cat fucked up fucking
fucking can’t take anymore dude
cigarettes are the worst because
cigarettes out of nowhere you’ll be like
dude i need a cigarette i need a
cigarette it’s one of those things once you do it
it opens up a door that’s always gonna be open
and it’s weird cigarettes look this guy
did you know you can activate your pineal
by saying the word love at a certain frequency shut up
shut the fuck up
it’s like that shut up like the new mariah carey song
has a high enough pitch to open up your garage doors
no it doesn’t fuck up
people love to say stupid shit
people love fucking magic
they love magic and nonsense
you know they love to
think that there is like something like that
there’s real magic
real magic eat a
pound of mushrooms you wanna see something magic
instead of having a 16 ounce steak
have 16 ounces of mushrooms motherfucker
boom that’s magic you know yeah you’ll
magically be retarded for the rest of your life
you’ll probably be communicating with
aliens permanently you’ll probably be
locked into another dimension you know
tell jerry garcia smoking opium wasn’t
addictive he
moved to smoking
black tar heroin
after that well
it’s for sure
they used to have
opium dens back in the wild west don’t you remember but
i never once did opium
the next day thought
about oh my god i need it
you know it was
never like that
cocaine was kind of like that but for me
but i hope it
never was like that that was more of like a
treat like a dessert
well you know that’s a
good argument because this argument was on the message
board as well people were talking
about things being addictive and
the problem with even alcohol
being addictive is that it’s not addictive to everybody
you know i’m not addicted to alcohol
i could not have a
drink every day for
the rest of my life and i’d have no problem with that
but i like to have a
drink sometimes and go on stage
i like to have
a drink sometimes my buddies just to make
things fun just makes you get
crazy you pay for it the next day though
especially our
age yeah yeah man you get
older do you pay for it more
but the bottom line is it’s not addictive like
i don’t hurt
when i don’t have it but for some people it is yeah
some people have to have a drink
when i was doing construction when i was a kid
there was a dude who had a mountain dew bottle
and he would fill it up with fucking beer
like cheap beer like colt forty five
and he would
drink beer all day
while we worked all day this guy was
he was shaky
jones and dude he
would show up for work though
he was there
every fucking day
seven in the morning
swinging that hammer
you know he was there
pissing every five minutes
that was always hammered though
he was drinking beer all day
for that dude though
i think it’s like everybody’s got
their own biochemical makeup
it’s like you’re addicted to cigarettes
but like tom segura
tom segura smokes
cigarettes when he drinks
but doesn’t
smoke other times
and he can go years without
cigarettes so no problem
but when he
drinks he likes to have a cigarette
when was last
time he went a year with no problem now
well he said
he’s taking a long time off he’s taking time off a
bunch of times
and he won’t
smoke for months
and then he’ll have a cigarette
he’ll have a
cigarette when he drinks
i definitely
think cigarettes is like that one thing that
even if you quit smoking
it can be three years
later in out of nowhere you’ll
start smoking again
no reason why no you’ve said that and so is ari so
i think you know i think
they’re doing something remember that
movie the insider with
russell crowe
you see that
movie it’s all
about like all the shit that they do to
cigarettes to make it even
more addictive like hundreds of difference of additives
hundreds of
different additives just to make it more addictive
and i’ve totally believe that’s true
totally 100
believe that’s true
and if that’s the case
man i mean who the fuck knows
i mean they say that
cigarettes are more
it’s not as dangerous as heroin
cause heroin will kill you
quicker and you can overdose from it but
cigarettes will get you hooked
quicker than anything yeah
apparently if you if you have that
thing inside you that gets you hooked to shit
like most i don’t
but i cigarettes
totally different
totally with cocaine too you said
well i almost
cause i was selling it and getting a
large amounts of it for free
you were allegedly
allegedly selling not really selling it not really
selling it this is like a character that
would buy a
large amount
so he could give it away
and have some
extra for free it was
peter pan of
no not peter pan
robin hood of cocaine
it was like one
month of my life back in 90
or in this fictional
story in his fictional story
but anyways
if you but if you were rich
okay what if you were like i was rich
i was getting rich
what if you were like jay z baller
you know private jet rich and you
could just get pure cocaine
shipped right over here from the cia
the cia would drop it off on your doorstep
well i think i like mr michael
package of cocaine
i think the only reason
it was kind of addictive to me because i am one of
those people that
never go to
the doctors and i probably need to be one of
those people that are on
speed or something because i
like having a thyroid
i like having a thyroid condition most of my day is
spent like moping around no energy
and stuff like that but
when cocaine
i felt like i was
alive for the
first time oh
my god and i
think that’s what was addictive more of just like
i felt like i was out of some kind of coma
well sometimes yeah well sometimes i’m having
like a normal day like i’m not really into anything
and i’ll have a cup of coffee and god
damn it fucking
fired up i feel
great yeah i feel good about life
right fucking feels like the warm sun feels better
i want to clean my office
you get a little
fired up from
stimulants you know
that’s what they’re there for
yeah you know cook it
i don’t know what cocaine’s like
but i know that i’ve had you
would never stop talking ever you talk
about this how
would you do that
you would be talking so fast your jaw would
fly off and hit somebody in the face i have this
thing called
matte decoca
and it’s a it’s a tea
that’s made out of
i guess i’m talking to myself from now
on talking to
you mati de
cocoa is a tea that’s made out of cocoa
leaves so it’s like cocaine
the plant that they make cocaine
from but it’s the unprocessed form which is
it’s actually like indigenous people
chew that i
think it’s in peru they said
it’s like really common isn’t it peru
he doesn’t know he’s outside smoking cigarettes
talking to myself
they they chew this leaf
and some for
especially people that
are at high altitude
like high altitude
herding communities they
they eat this they chew this tea
this tea leaf
but i had it in a tea form
and when i had it it was
not good for me
i couldn’t shut
the fuck up me and doug stanhope were doing shrooms
it was the day the iraq war started
and we were
in the middle of the desert at my friend yan’s house
and it’s pretty
crazy because we’re
shrooming and
right when the shrooms were kicking in
we noticed on the
television set that
they were saying that the war coverage
begins at five
and stanhope
looked at me and he goes
there’s a fucking kickoff for the war
i mean that’s really
what it was like they were telling us when the war
coverage is gonna
start tune in at five or war coverage
it was like a kickoff
it was like that’s when the program the war program was
gonna start
and that’s when
this guy yawn my friend yawn who’s like
he’s done more
psychedelics than anyone i’ve ever met ever he’s
definitely probably
fried his brain he’s got a cool podcast though
but he was talking
about hey take this
matte to coco it’ll help the mushrooms kick in quicker
maybe it did
but i could not shut the fuck up
and i was telling doug
while i was
doing it i was like i can’t shut the fuck up
this has drive me
crazy and he was
laughing uncontrollably
cause he thought it was hilarious that i was
talking about how i couldn’t shut the fuck up yet
aware of it and
still talking it’s the
worst but you know what you would
that’s one of
those drugs that
thank god you
never tried
cause you would
freak out and love it because
it makes your mind open up
and just think so
clear because
you’re just non stop
thinking of new
stuff to talk
about well that’s for me my
friend my friend
jimmy said that when we were kids
we had the cousin that was
had the problem with it
he told me not to do it he
told you smell so bad dude
that is so nasty
cigarettes are so they are nasty
but you kept on talking
about him and
daddy needed a taste oh
daddy needed a
taste you can’t go two
hours without
he had a cigarette
right when we
started too by the way
oh shut your fucking hole
you had your fix
had your goddamn fix
um anyway cigarettes
bad okay okay
very bad okay
you know what though
what’s interesting in
california i don’t know if this is in all
states that they have changed cigarettes
to go out by themselves
now so if you
don’t if you don’t hit it long enough
it will just go out because of the fires out here
so cigarette companies had to make something
in the cigarette
so if you don’t hit it
after a while it will go out by itself
and just makes me what is that yeah that can’t be
good they probably doing something like that man
they’ve probably made it
extra addictive
along the way
oh it’s just
well we can do that
but unfortunately
causes psychotic episodes
to make you fucking mortgage your
house for extra
cigarettes might
start hoarding cigarettes
you know if they
could figure out a way
to put something in
cigarettes that
would make you
completely insane and have this
insane desire to collect cigarettes
could you imagine if that
started happening you know like
a lot of black dudes collect
sneakers like
you go into
their house i got you
mtv wraps or
mtv cribs rather
you know you go in they have like a
whole room filled with
sneakers hiding
their junk from somebody
their junk was touched
towards the mountain
it’s too big and they
think they have a
horse cock so they want you
to look at their
shoes what the fuck is he talking
about he’s like the
chicks no what no
no they’re just
for whatever reason they’re into collecting
shoes what if
people just
started collecting cigarettes
like hoarding
cigarettes like roomfuls of
cigarettes and
cigarette companies were like well
you know we make a fantastic product
we can’t help it if people get
excited about it they’re just
excited about our product
we found out that they had
added something to
cigarettes that make people want to hoard
cigarettes they
would totally do it
if some fucking scientist came up with
a formula where he
could have a certain amount of chemicals
and if you put
those in cigarettes and the people smoking
cigarettes they
would have this insatiable desire to collect cigarettes
and buy way more than they need
you don’t think they
would put that in the cigarettes
of course they would
fuck yeah they
would do it they don’t give a fuck
about you they sell shit that kills you
they shit they don’t
it’s not like they didn’t know we didn’t know
cigarettes kill you holy shit we’re
gonna stop we’re sorry no
cigarettes kill 400
fucking million people every year
and no cigarette
companies even thought
about slowing down
and no politicians have ever thought
about banning them
you never hear a peep out of politicians
all those faggots
wanna talk about fucking banning pot and
you know we’ve
gotta stop marijuana and illegal drugs
meanwhile cigarettes are killing way more people than
everything else combined
cancer aids
fucking heroin meth coke
all that shit
pull it all together
with alcohol
it can’t put a fucking dent
not a scratch
into what cigarettes kill every year
if they can figure out a way to make you
wanna hoard
cigarettes for sure they
would do it
and the people hoarding it they
would give testimonials i don’t have a problem with it
i enjoy my cigarette
collection when i walk
into the garage
and i look at all my i like the
smell i get out there and i mean
it’s not like i’m smoking more i’m smoking
three pots a day
you’re right they do do that with scars but
cigars are totally different
they like to savor the
taste and shit and it’s like shit
makes no sense
to me different
no different
cigars are different flavors too they
taste different yeah but
they all taste like shit to me they
all taste like you’re sucking on a fucking
i don’t know
tree or something i like them
i like cigars i
think they taste good
really yeah when you have a fat
steak and a
glass of wine you get a nice cuban
cigar with a fucking good
taste to it
you know it’s just like you
you take it in you get a good
taste in your
mouth it’s fun get you a little gives you a buzz
crazy it’s weird
that you don’t like
i don’t like
splits because you don’t inhale
cigars you don’t have to inhale
put it in your mouth
they do if you
gonna get high no
the science between
getting high is that once it hits your mouth it’s
immediately in your
stream you don’t even is that true
yeah they did
a study where it showed like people that used to
think where you’re supposed to inhale it
and hold it in as long as you can
i guess supposedly you get 99
of the thc immediately
when you suck it
twitterverse is this true
because if this
is true i will stop smoking weed from now on
and i’ll just put it in my mouth
i’ll just put them off take a deep breath
and then blow it out i always
thought the people were doing that were like bill
i always thought that
bill clinton did not inhale
but it’s because he was crafty
he didn’t know that he knows science he
knows is that real science it is science
of course is that
is that real science twitter verse
what the fuck
is that true
you don’t let’s keep our
googling i love google we’re
gonna google
right now you do not have to inhale marijuana
to get high
and air water to get high
yeah i always
thought you had to hold it in for the long
thing too but wiki answers
what if you do not
inhale marijuana
answer no it has to go in your
lungs to get
you high meaning you have to inhale to get high
well i’m not
gonna listen this
stupid fuck
because this
stupid fuck
spelled high
two different times
and then wrote
have in capital letters
not very scientific faggot
next try here’s a
trick do you have to inhale
when smoking weed
yahoo answers
uh don’t do it
best answer chosen by asker
you fucking dummy
this is what the girl says
don’t do it
but if you must know
you have to keep the
smoke in your
lungs longer than you normally
would a cigarette
so you inhale
it and then keep it in there for as long as you can
then exhale
that’s not true
that’s not true this this dumb come to
uh don’t do it why alyssa
because you don’t
wanna have fun
why should he not
smoke the pot
because he doesn’t
wanna be friendly
cause he doesn’t
wanna be more sensitive
cause he want
doesn’t wanna tune into the universe more
shut the fuck up
don’t do it
you can’t tell me not to smoke pot
because i’m a goddamn comedian
and that’s like telling a
basketball player to not play with basketballs
mmm i can’t find the answer to this shit yeah i forget
where i read
it i read it somewhere it was like you read it the same
place i read that gold is the same amount as
wheat i know
no because i was on your side
where that’s bullshit
and my girlfriend who’s
going to school for nursing
she’s like that’s
totally untrue and then she showed me all
these studies i’m like oh okay it was a
you have to and
she’s watching
to get high like i did let’s say
this guy says
you need to
fully inhale it to get high
take a big breath in see
these are people like fucking
eighteen just like
you have to inhale weed in your
lungs get higher won’t do anything weed does not
cause cancer okay this guy’s got a cancer article
we’re not talking
about cancer you fuck
all right we have no correct answer
ladies and gentlemen we tried
we cannot find the answer to this
yahoo answers are all written by sixteen year olds or
forty year old retards one or the other
this guy says he knows everything about candace
more in seven
seconds are these good yahoo answers yeah we looked at
those yahoo answers man that doesn’t mean shit
it’s something about your mouth is filled with
whatever the
makes sense because you don’t inhale
tobacco smoke when you
smoke a cigar and you get high as fuck
you get really high from cigars
cigars give you like a serious
nicotine rush
like woo like a good one
and if that’s if that happens
why wouldn’t that happen with marijuana too
you know you don’t inhale the cigar
smoke you take it in your mouth
and then you blow it out you don’t take a deep
hit of it like you do with cigarettes
yeah that’s a
tough google search i’ll have to just actually
find that yeah we don’t know
we don’t know ladies and gentlemen it was a recent
article that was about six months ago i read it
some people weed is not for them that really is true
you know like
stanhope doesn’t like weed stanhope hates weed
which doesn’t make any
sense because he likes everything else but i
think he probably got too high and he got paranoid
he got a high feeling
if you get too high we will fucking
rock your world man
shit makes you really
the last ufc i was at
i was tripping my ass off i almost had to run out i was
thinking like okay i am just gonna
leave and go to my room and take a nap
cause i was tripping too hard
from weed wow this is a
rivalry says opium trivia the term
are you hip
comes from opium dens
you would lay on your side on your hip and smoke
hence the term are you hip
that kind of makes
sense because if you ever watch like those old west
movies or dudes are doing heroin
there or opium
they are lying on their side yeah
like what was that movie were whiter
was it whiter
one of those movies buffalo bill or white herb
i think it was
i don’t remember who the fuck played him
well remember
what was the movie were a doc holiday
the one with fucking
dennis quaid played
dennis quaid played
wide herb and
val kilmer played doc holiday
the dopest doc holiday
before val kilmer just
ate everything that that existed
val kilmer’s all fat and fucked up now he was like
go back to top gun days
tim stone tombstone that’s it we go back to like
val kilmer like the the old days falcon
was a handsome motherfucker
yeah yeah you
start hanging out with tom size one
you know this whole we thing we
could just fucking next time we’re sober we’ll just
try it yeah
okay look at this guy says red band is
right arrow it here we go robberies
comes comes clean
ah here we go
you do not read it to us
okay here it is
mouth smoking cannabis
one of the primary health issues with cannabis is the
effect of smoke on the lungs while the risks
from long term cannabis smoking are not
fully understood is assumed by mo
before i do this
i will tell
i will take this copy
mouth smoking is not as efficient as lung smoking
and requires approximately
three times the material
for the same
level of effect
but for some people
efficiency is not an issue
i would say it’s not an issue
you know cause weeds not that expensive is
you know like
we were talking
about how it’s worth a lot of money because
but it’s not
worth it’s not that much i mean
one marijuana joint is like what is it like
10 or something like that probably
wasn’t how much is a joint
a joint ten dollars
about ten dollars that’s a
california a joint will
that’s for sure
fuck you out of your mind
even if you’re
even if you
smoke a lot
if you actually inhaled
a full joint you would be blitzkrieg
california weed
california weed
so if you take
california weed and you mouth
mouth fuck it
right you could probably
get by on like
two hits of
california weed from a joint and you’re gone
and one of the
things that you can do also is if you inhale it and you
breathe it out your nose so you put it in your
mouth and then
you blow it out your nose but you’re not hailing it if
it even increases it
all right well
let’s post this up online just so everybody knows
what the fuck we’re reading
yeah but i used to i remember
there was somebody i used to know that would like
smoke she would only smoke with me but she
would sit i’m not gonna inhale it but i’ll
smoke it with you if it makes you feel better i’m like
okay so she
would always get fucked up and i’m like wow she’s
not stoned but why is she acting so fucked up
so i look back at it now and she was fucked up okay
i just put that shit up online
so you can twitter that
have so now we learned something ladies and gentlemen
thanks rival you rivalries
rivalry is you know a lot of drugs motherfucker
this is the dude he runs
the whole thing it says here he owns a pool hall in
somewhere in georgia
forget where it’s from
make them make them georgia i believe
but it’s a pretty famous pool hall this guy owns it
why is he have the douche squad
i don’t know it’s a bunch of dudes of the douche quad
you know some some members of my board
break off into little separate sex like little gangs
don’t know what they’re doing
if you never been to my message
board i got the craziest message board
i don’t know how the fuck it happened i don’t know what
caused it but i’ve had this nutty message board
since like 1998
and right now there is
more than two and a half million posts on it
i’ll put it up online
i started smoking when i was fifteen
ray and anyway
this message board
there’s so much fucking nutty shit on that
board that’s how i met
brian i met
brian from the message
board it’s really got a
life of its own i mean it’s got my name attached to it
and i pay for it and to keep it running and you know
but there’s like a
bunch of different dudes who are
cool people that i’ve met
in real life most of them that are
the the moderators on the board and
you know it’s
anything fucked up in the
world anything
weird crazy
any nutty news
if you’re looking for a
video like i
heard this is a
crazy video out
my board is
gonna have it for sure
right when you so that’s looks
yep it’s a crazy place
it’s pretty nutty
ladies and gentlemen
and on that note it’s fucking five
thirty six yeah that’s two
hours two and a half hours
we can’t do more than two
hours folks
gets boring
but we are at the addison
texas improv
this weekend
friday saturday
and sunday and i’m
gonna take a link
right here motherfucker
and i’m gonna open this
bitch and i’m
gonna put that on twitter so everybody knows what’s up
almost sold out
yeah it is very
close to sold out like all the shows what
about houston
a lot of houston people wondering
if you’re coming back to houston yeah i’m coming back
we’re right
now trying to figure out whether we’re doing the improv
or whether we’re doing the
house of blues there was a problem with the
house of blues initially
where they said the
house of blues
could not seat everybody
and i did not want to do a show
where people have to stand
and we talked
about this before that we went to the doug stanhope
show when he was in la
and i love doug
but i fucking can’t
stand and just
watch a show for an hour and a half it hurts your feet
your back starts hurting your neck gets cramped up
and then i realize
like this is uncomfortable like sitting and
watching a show is awesome
but standing and
watching a show sucks it gets
annoying i’m not a big fan of the
house of blues
i just went
through to see a concert
last week and i had a horrible
experience with
those fuckers with
house of blues
which one though the one on sunset
what happened
when you go through they
stamp your hands they put
wristbands on they
check your ids they scan the tickets right
so we went there and it was general a mission
we found a place that we wanted to like sit and
lean up against the wall it was perfect for the concert
halfway through
the opening
act or whatever opening band
security grabbed my
girlfriend coming out of the bathroom and goes
where’s your hand stamp she goes
i don’t know
maybe it washed off i have a wristband here’s my ticket
he goes no your hand’s not stamped you’re out of here
and she’s like what i have my ticket
right here he
goes i don’t care you’re supposed to have a handstand
she goes my boyfriend’s
right there
he goes go get him and he’s kicked out too
like it was like
it was like
what do you
okay but that’s just la douchebag no no
but then the manager got involved
right but that has nothing to do with houston
texas or no
even lose as a
company yeah it is
dickheads he’s like
sorry corporate
policy you’re supposed to get handstand i’m like
it doesn’t matter i’m in here i have tickets and
what the fucking
manager goes i’m
sorry but let’s go downstairs let’s get your hand stamp
let’s figure this out together i’m like
the concerts on right now
god damn it was just like the biggest like fucking
corporate bullshit you know that shit
wouldn’t happen at fucking improv
you don’t think so no you don’t have your hand
stamp but you have a
ticket come on
so you think that
so what happened then you think
would not happen
so you think
that if we have a show at the
house of blues people
might get fucked my problem with the
house of blues it’s a
corporate thing
the whole not being able to make a
great fucking time at all the
house of blues
yeah well you have any time when you’re in
front of a good
crowd of people
right yeah but that’s one of the few
venues where you guarantee that
everything’s
gonna run smoothly
they get rid of douchebags in the audience
to record your own site
that is true
now that fans
aren’t allowed to
bring cameras into the
place or they have to
leave them at
the box office well the problem with that is
these motherfuckers want to
stick cameras in your face
while you’re on
stage and constantly record
things and put them on youtube they’re
gonna do that very
very distracting they’re
gonna do that regardless
but it is annoying for them and for the bands and for
different people
who feel like
they don’t want
their stuff pirated
they’re just protecting the artist that makes
sense to me
i agree but
he had a bad
experience but i
think he had isolated douchebags i mean people run
the house of blues in
in vegas are fucking awesome
those people are super cool
that’s the one we go to the most
yeah house of
blues and san
diego that we also know is
a performance side not a
customer that’s true i’ve never
heard any complaints so if you guys have had complaints
about the house of blues
let a nigga know
you know i need to
i need to hear that shit
maybe dan aykroyd’s
house of blues in
connecticut
at the mohegan sun
deal fell through gigantic fail
why did i read that
i don’t know
you fucking
motherfucker
house of blues charges a buttload that is true
they have a lot of
built in costs
it costs i get
paid the same amount to do a 300 seat room in vegas
as i do to do the
house of blues
which is like 900 seats
which is pretty
crazy yeah it’s kind of
fucked up yeah
it’s kind of fucked up because they have all
these built in
they have built in costs
built in pockets
oh shit built in pocket
yeah and their
prices that’s another
thing the prices
were ridiculous like a bud
light was six
bucks or something like that
is it really yeah
where is it in
what is it most bars
bud light usually i mean outside of
los angeles
usually it’s like
three bucks two
bucks for bud
light outside of los angeles yeah
in los angeles
in los angeles
under five dollars at least
okay well someone just fucking
bitch slap rivalries
bbj jones says that shit we said
about hip the opium
dens he says
the actual is
to the answer of
are you hip being opium
dens lying on
he says it’s not true it’s not true it says too
ingenious too convoluted
and too silly
it’s wiki44 but that’s wiki this is just
opinion there’s
often a great deal of
uncertainty
and tracking word origins
since we have written
word record to go on
phrase may have been in common use long before anybody
wrote it down
after all one
doesn’t use
slang phrases in most writing
such as newspaper a certain column is accepted
they should use
slang and everything
so talk why we pretended not talk the way we talk
i always thought that like
writing professionally like when i
write in my blogs i
write exactly the way i talk
just like i
wrote an open letter to kellogg’s
which more or
less i did as a writing exercise i was writing
every day for a
month the month my
spike tv special was being recorded
so i wrote down
i wrote my material out
every day not
wrote to material i
wrote new blogs
every day and
you know i just needed shit to write
about and one of them was this
kellogg’s banning michael phelps because he smoked weed
and because i
wrote this open letter and i
wrote it the way i talk with
swears and just the way i normally talk
people like yeah they’re
gonna read that open letter like
i didn’t want to read it
stupid so i’m just writing it doesn’t
you read it or you don’t read it but i’m not gonna
write something think
you have more impact just like they’re
gonna listen
they’re gonna listen to a fucking
pothead comedian
slash cage fighting commentator like
kellogg’s is
gonna make their
their decisions
based on that
no it’s for you guys it’s for
humor it’s for
entertainment
does the word hip really hail
from a west african language
it could be either or though this
this i mean it could be
that that the the original hip that rivalries talked
about is right i mean this i mean if there’s no real
if the origins of it are murky it could be both
it’s not saying anything to discredit that
anyway who gives a fuck
red ban is totally right about the cigars
oh is you really
totally right i am totally right no no it’s a fucking
taste thing i think cigarettes are disgusting
you’re sucking on them
every day you wouldn’t think they’re disgusting if you
smoke them for a week yeah you’re totally
right about that
you’re right if i was a junkie i
wouldn’t think they’re disgusting
this guy had a shitty
experience at the anaheim
house of blues
same deal as red band except
they had to make me re
stamp my hand and i lost my stool
exactly that’s what happened to me
i lost my stool
i almost got in a
fight with bunch of persians when the guy
felt bad his friend felt bad and he kept on buying me
bad tequila all
night the next
thing i know i was like
six oasis bro
what oh wait isn’t that
they’re called persians they’re iranians yeah but
they don’t want to be called iranians
they would be called
persians yeah
are you sure
they don’t want to be confused with
irania here
iranian haha
talk about the fights at one ten
it was fucking awesome
came velasquez
that guy’s a legend he’s gonna go down
in history it’s like one of the greatest ever i think
that that was just some stellar shit
came alaska is gonna be him
against brock lesnar is gonna be insane
him i wanna see
him against fade or really i would love to see came
alaska against fade or
i think every time came
fights he gets better
you know the heavyweight division is a motherfucker
right now shane carwin versus frank meer and brock
lesnar is gonna fight the winner
and you know who knows what the fuck is ever
gonna happen to fade or fade or ever gets to the
ufc the fucking
universe might collapse it
might be insane
all right ladies gentlemen
we’ve had a long ass show it’s five
forty four so that
means even with our downtime we did like an hour and
twenty minutes at least
maybe an hour and a half
love you thanks for
tuning in um
addison texas this weekend
next week or next week
oh canada i’m in canada next week
shazam bitches
i’m in toronto i’m in a couple other places
fuck i am but we’ll talk about that shit next week
thank you very much for
tuning in i love you bitches and
that’s it all right i gotta find out how to end this it
would have been cool if i figured out a way to say
thank you i love you rudolph
shut up bye