The Joe Rogan Experience #15

start the recording start the broadcast

what the fuck ladies and gentlemen

see it doesn’t show that it started but i know it has

i know you gotta like refresh it and shit

usually takes a couple seconds it’s bullshit son

ladies and gentlemen

that’s me there you go

every time we do this

i could have sworn i muted it this time

you know when you do it by yourself you don’t do it

you catch yourself

yeah maybe i’m

distracted you do not know no no no

don’t make me make fun of you

you stop alright let me change it

this motherfucker and his goddamn ipad

fucking love it man listen

ladies and gentlemen it’s a little gay but

if it’s good enough for the romans

it’s good enough for the greeks

look at you

got an ipad even though i said i wasn’t gonna get one

i take for you to get one

walk by so you guys got in them bitches

say i said yes and i said okay let’s go

first day yeah

it’s kind of interesting

you know what i am interested in is

what’s gonna happen with these

things like what are these things eventually

gonna eventually these things are

gonna be able to like control your house and shit

you know you could already do that and

if the dragon naturally

speaking is

any good on this do you know if it is it’s alright

it’s good if you have

a headphone

microphone thing

plugged in to it i

tried to do it like in a loud room in it

well i gotta

write a book now and

i just signed the deal

so it’s fucking

official i’m in the middle of writing this

thing and i’m

thinking god damn it takes a long time to

write shit it

might be easier to just talk it out

but i don’t think this

stuff is any good now some

people told me that

voice recognition software is really good on pcs

but not quite there on the mac yet

have you heard anything i’ve never

heard that because like one of the best ones on the pc

is dragon naturally

speaking so

right it’s the same

technology is the same

everything’s the same so there

shouldn’t be a difference but it’s not the same version

because it’s a unix based for

you know the mac operating

system right it’s totally different so

it’s like a different version

it’s the same programming language

i mean it’s like a

xbox and a ps3

i mean it’s the same tech

the programming is the

same it’s just two different ways to play is that true

ladies and gentlemen do

any of you wizards out there know whether or not he’s

speaking the

truth cause

i believe brian

but i also believe that

brian did not know the answer well

i barely use dragon so i could be

wrong i’m not a huge dragon nerd but

to me it makes

sense that if a company makes a kind of software

it would be the same on pc and mac it

might have to get there

a different way but the actual

brains of the software would be the same

the same program yeah

there’s something

about actually writing

things too that’s better than

speaking it and writing it

because like when i write something if i

write a blog i don’t type that fast

so if i’m writing something each word that i’m thinking

about i’m like really

dwelling on it and the

other words that come after it

you know that’s why one of the

things people are always really impressed

about is the ability to speak

without stammering

and have something to say i mean that’s the reason why

obama got elected really is because

not just because he’s black

but because he’s

black and he’s this really good

speaker you know he’s really good at talking and

there is an art form to that it’s a management of your

ability to recognize like what you’re

gonna say next and the inflection you’re

gonna use and

preparation and all that shit it’s it’s it’s

there’s an art to it

but you know

it’s more interesting usually when i read

things that people

wrote and they actually

wrote it they sat down and they really thought

about how this is

gonna be absorbed

you know there’s a

craft there’s a

craft of both

but there’s a real

craft to writing

you know actual writing itself i really

appreciate when i read good writers

don’t you yeah

you know i don’t read that much

but the few books that i choose i pick out certain

things i wanna read

cause i read all day on the internet

so when it comes to a book i’m like all

right i’ve read so much

today i don’t need to read anymore you know

type things so

i’ve actually been reading less books ever

since the internet’s kind of

grabbed me i’ve noticed

yeah yeah definitely

yeah the last good book i read was a book called

early bird highly recommended though it was

about a guy that used to

write for i

think letterman

and he retired this is real a real guy

and he retired

and he went to florida and lived

in a retirement home

and he just

documented his life inside a retirement home

being retired at the age of 35

it was one of the funniest books

and it’s weird how

the retirement village is like high school

you know there’s like the popular old people

and they have like

their clicks and

stuff like that and it’s so

weird you kind of go back to that old

school thing

that’s hilarious

early bird yeah people are

like that man they’re like that no matter what they’re

like that if they’re 80 they’re like that if they’re

180 you know

we’re monkeys man

we have a whole

bunch of instincts that we follow

that really are directly

attributable to our time in the jungle you know

i mean that’s what i’ve said

about human beings that

there’s something fucked up

about us where

you’re distracting the shit out of me with that

thing son not be fucking

browsing online in

time i was actually

seeing if we

could get our live show on the ipad

doing it live

watching you fucking

no don’t sit behind me because i can’t talk to you i

gotta turn like this

my neck hurts from jiu jitsu

hey you fuck

you got me forgetting what we were talking about

yeah me too

god damn it

fucking stoners

we were talking

about talking and writing and

the last guy

who got me into writing or reading and writing really

but i read the

great shark hunt the hunters

thompson book

it’s kind of a compilation book of all of his

his stories

fuck that dude

could write

that dude had some really interesting writing i got you

excited to read more about it

you know and it’s kind of like this weird

blend of fiction and non fiction

that’s one of the

things that was so cool

about hunters writing

is like this guy was just crazy

making all kinds of

crazy shit up

about like las vegas and

campaigns and dudes being on drugs

you know when

ed musky was running for president

hunter thompson

started printing in rolling

stone magazine every week

that it was like widely

known that this guy had an

ebooking addiction

and that he was

bringing in

brazilian doctors like nobody ever done that before

nobody ever done like real serious

coverage of like a political event

and just started

adding nutty shit to it that totally wasn’t real so

literally this guy

changed the fucking course the election

because that guy was like one of the favorites

and because hunters writing

about him having an ebogaine

addiction which is this

crazy exotic drug from africa

you know hunter

wrote this whole

thing about it

and this guy

literally fell

apart on the campaign

trail people were heckling him

and he was doing

these campaign

speeches and just crumpled

just because some

crazy shit that this guy wrote

and when they

asked him about it

and he goes

well you made up that

stuff about

ed muskie having

an ibigadan he goes wow i didn’t make it up

i didn’t print i said it was a rumor

he goes and

it was a rumor and i

started in milwaukee

it’s crazy you just

but he got away

with it and he was just constantly on acid

who’s constantly doing mescaline

who’s constantly doing cocaine

i mean he was constantly getting fucked up and writing

like super uber fucked up

is there a book or a

movie that you

would recommend

about all this yeah well i didn’t even get into him

until i watched the documentary gonzo

gonzo you know i’d like the

movie fear and

loathing in las

vegas and i’d

seen him on talk

shows before and i always knew that he was this kind of

crazy guy you know

older dude was really nutty like to

shoot guns and

you know looked like you know

your friend’s dad but he was fucking

completely psychotic

you know it’s just this guy left over from the sixties

that somehow another

morphed this like a

super violent

fucking drug addled

compound junkie

that’s what he used to call himself you know

i just added it to my netflix

q on my ipad joe good job

good job see that

it’s very good documentary

but it’s a really

well made too so it really gets you into

how fucking

interesting this guy was

and it brings me back to the same

thing that i always

think of man oh my god

when you’re really that good he’s so good

i always wonder how fucking

crazy you have to be to be really good

you know like

in almost everything like in michael jackson

and fucking

sports anybody like

tiger woods you know look how

crazy he is

i almost think that you have to be a certain

there’s to be a certain amount of imbalance to

you to be really the best at anything to be excellent

yeah well that’s why you’re considered the best usually

not in the same

road as everybody else you’re on the side street

you know you’re a little different than everyone else

so that’s most

successful people are not just like a common person

in everything they do not just that but what

i’m saying is that the commitment that’s involved in

order to get to the highest

levels of anything

right like you almost have to be

completely nuts

in order to hit

those rpms right

you know it’s like

with so many things

especially when it comes to the working

world when it comes to like the artistic world

i could see

you know an argument for there’s no

there’s never too much there’s

never too much art that you can

produce because you’re just producing positive energy

but people that

get addicted to

success in the business

world and try to be

the number one guy in the business world

i mean that’s

one of the main reasons why we have all

these problems

today with corporations

how corporations are sort of

these consciousness

entities you know i mean now corporations

basically are allowed to

they’re judged as an individual

you know corporations are a

thing like they have

rights and shit

like they can

contribute to campaigns now as much as they want

they can do all kinds of

crazy shit you know as

a corporation and get away with it because they don’t

think of it as them as an

individual doing it

they think of it as well

you know it’s all business and we’re part of business

like they can do fucked up

things in overseas

countries you know

third world

countries and and they don’t even

think that they’re doing anything bad

because what they’re

doing is they’re just doing business and there’s just a

bunch of people involved doing it

so no one person feels like

total responsibility for what’s happening

you know and that’s like a real problem that we have

and i think one of the real problems that we have

is related to people just being

super competitive

you know that’s the only reason why

these fucking

super crazy billionaire dudes

would keep pushing forward

you know at a certain

point time how much fucking

money do you have to have

you know when you’re one of

those dudes and has like thirty

forty billion dollars and you’re still

trying to rape

third world

countries like what the fuck is

going on like how much

money do you need

bitch that’s a lot of goddamn money

what is that why why

would they not

be able to recognize that there’s something

wrong there

well then they’re

crazy that’s what it is

to get at the highest

levels of anything

whether it’s golf or

whether it’s fucking you know whatever the fuck it is

to get at the highest

levels of anything you got to be a little nutty man

whether it’s sports

whether it’s

singing you know whether

performing writing

you know i think you know to really achieve

those those

those crazy

great highs

like you almost have to like lose your

connection to everybody else or lose control of your

connection right you know

yeah it’s weird because that’s our high

watermark you know

and we’re always aspiring towards

higher and higher

levels of performance and

everything we do whether it’s

you know athletic or anything you do

you’re always trying to do better than you did before

now i mean that’s like a

human ethic

that we had

and it’s very strange man

because there’s

never a point in time

where we ever step back and go

you know hey this is good we’re good right here

let’s just concentrate all our time

right now instead of

making more money

let’s try to

concentrate all our time and trying to make

things better for each other

you know let’s

try to concentrate our time in

dealing with all

these problems that

exist all over the

world instead of trying to

you know fucking

smash atoms and create

black holes let’s let’s settle down

you know and

let’s concentrate on some

other shit we look at the surplus of

money that we have

but they don’t ever

think like that

all they think of is more and more and

more and more and more and more and more like they’re

gonna live forever

and those motherfuckers drop a

heart attacks left and right

those like ceos of big corporation type dudes

those motherfuckers die like crazy

they die all the time

those guys are

you know like dick

cheney’s had a hundred and

fifty fucking

heart attacks

and one of the

reasons is is because he’s just such an evil cunt

you know if you’re that fucking evil

you know you’re

gonna have some goddamn

heart attacks you’re doing some

wicked shit you’re creating so much bad energy

and you’re pushing constantly constantly constantly

yeah you know

what kind of

balls do you have to have to be the fucking ceo

of a corporation like haliburton

and then go from that to being the

vice president of the united states

and then go from that to signing

billion dollar

agreements with haliburton

where billions

literally billions of dollars

were lost like they don’t know

where it went billions in corruption

they have no idea where

like all kinds of money went

and the fact that that

motherfucker profited on it

he had shares in haliburton

while he was the fucking president

i mean he got

money from them

while he was the president

or vice president with

me really was the president

really he was the fucking marinette supposedly

remember the days

where he was always in the bunker

remember they

would like always like they

would always talk

about dick cheney being in the bunker

right where is this bunker

right is this some batman type shit

you know what does he have

what is the dick

cheney bunker it’s just probably like a golf club

it’s another nickname for a golf club

he’s at the bunker

and said the whorehouse

dudes banging dudes

you know that was the big

secret of the fucking

the the whole bush

white house was there was a lot of gay shit going on

a lot of gay shit

that guy jeff

gannon has a reporter

for um the white

house he was a

white house embedded reporter

and he would love these

super softball questions at president bush like

mr bush president bush when

or mr president when are the democrats just

gonna come to reality

when are they

gonna come to their

senses do you

think that’s ever

gonna happen

he would say shit like that

and other reporters like who is this

motherfucker

and so the other reporter

started investigating this dude and they

found out that he had a fucking gay porn website

with him him with like

you know like a fucking bare

chested like a

towel over his cock and shit like

super gay with dog tags on

and it was gay porn

geared towards

guys with military fetishes

no way yes what have you

heard about the

it’s like the tickle guy

have you heard

about that guy in the news recently that

they had tickle parties

he worked all same

thing like he

worked for the government somehow or like the

dude does anyone know what i’m talking

about the tickle guy

they had like ticklers that

would come over and they

would all have tickle parties

well how about that fucking woman

who was the

madam how about that

woman who was the madam

for that big fucking

brothel in washington dc

and this chick claims

she’s got the fucking ins on everybody in washington

all these senators that use to service all

these different people

and then she commits suicide

and she even said she looked at her interviews like

if i commit suicide

they did this to me i am not

going to kill myself

i’m happy i want to live

fucking gone and the

whole case gone

dust in the wind

dust in the wind what about

jesse james

did you see

his girlfriend

oh my goodness

and that’s what happens man people get fucking

wacky about

jesse james or

tiger woods or whatever the fuck it is

this week in the news

and while that’s going on

crime just left and

right they’re just stealing

stealing money and

fucking bitches and

killing bitches who tell they’re

gonna fuck bitches

it’s the congressman eric massa

that had to tickle parties oh

interesting

democrat senator

democrats senator

was on the daily show he was on a

daily show talking

about it no i

think they had it on the

daily show that’s

where they talked

about that tickle

story new york times

there we go somebody twittered it look

on the tweets

i know is that the

tweets or the chat

thing this is on twitter

right now people responding to

you on twitter so if you go to joe’s website joe rogan

net click on webcams

you can see the chat we’re talking

about yeah yeah or you can go to my you

stream page you can see the

whole chat on the you

stream page

what the hell is joe

going on about

bitch you can’t just tune in halfway in the middle

we’re talking about

shit the way the

human mind works man that there’s an error

in the way the

human mind works

and that’s the reason why people are doing all this

crazy shit like

trying to conquer the world and

you know and billionaires are fucking

torturing these

third world

countries and

crushing their resources and

doing it all for money

the reason why

is there’s an

error in the human mind

and there’s an error that

causes us to never

have perspective

we’re always

moving in a direction but we don’t have a perspective

like nobody ever stops

and very very few people stop and realize at a certain

point in time like

i would rather

live an easy

going really

peaceful life

make less money

and have less bullshit and less

drama in my life and

you know and just be

happy all the time then be this like super

ambitious you know

gotta go get it typical american

you know and that

that’s a problem man

that fucking typical

american attitude is bullshit because we’re gonna die

we’re fucking

dying all of us

there’s just

this this is totally temporary

so like the the

right thing to do is to try to balance

it all out and have the most amount of fun possible

and the most amount of positive time the most

amount of positive energy during the time that you have

but then there’s the keeping up with the

jones thing this

trick that gets us

thinking that somehow another like bigger

houses or bigger cars or bigger bullshit

is gonna make you

happy so that

most miserable fucks that i’ve ever met in my life

were rich and

famous okay

some of the most miserable fucking

human beings i’ve ever met

rich and famous and living

in a torturous existence

you know like we were talking

about our friend on

the way over here he’s got the the the female problem

you know this

this guy is a very

successful guy he’s like been on television

he’s you know

he’s a guy that people

enjoy they go to see him

his life is terminal

it’s fucking

chaos and it’s just

it’s so it’s a few steps before murder suicide

right it is it’s

right there it’s

knocking on murder suicides door yeah

you know if you got that

phone call in the middle of the

night you wouldn’t be that surprised people

like god damn it

damn should have

done something else yeah but this is nothing you can do

that’s the cold hard fact there’s nothing you can do

at the end of the day

these motherfuckers have to go home

it’s like you have to figure

out what is it that we’re really doing here what is it

and because there’s so fucking many of us

i think that

human beings have lost this

sense of community i

think human beings are programmed

to be in tribes

we’re programmed to be in

tribes of like 50 to 200 people

or maybe more but enough so that you know everybody

and you know when we live

alone we’re fucking miserable like

that’s why we don’t

trust hermits we don’t

trust people that go off into the woods by themselves

look at this

sketchy motherfucker he wants to be by himself

you know we don’t

trust that shit

because that’s not how you’re supposed to be

we’re not program for that we’re programmed to be in

small groups of people

so that we work together and we protect each

other and we support each other

but we’re living in a

group that’s way too big

we’re tricked into believing that we’re a part of some

three hundred million

strong group

you know that’s why like wars work you

know the reason why wars work is because we feel like

well yeah we

gotta defend

ourselves and we all know we have this sort of sense of

loyalty defend ourselves

but at a certain

point it’s like

against what hold on a

second was we

are three hundred million fucking people

and we’re defending ourselves

against what

three hundred million

other people

from somewhere else that we don’t even know

what is going on why are they really

after us like what’s happening

well i’m getting this from you

and i’m connected to you somehow

who the fuck are you and why

these people mad at you

why are these fucking people in this

other country mad at you

why do they

wanna come over

here and kill me because some shit you did

what the fuck are we doing

until you know

what we’re doing overseas

you can’t support it

you can’t be involved

you know there’s a

video that was released that you

haven’t seen yet

that it was on wikileaks

where it shows this apache

helicopter shooting

these hellfire missiles into

these people

and they weren’t soldiers they were mistaken

as soldiers and i don’t know the

us did it i watched it

the us did it yeah

yeah the 2007

covered it up

and then wikileaks got a hold of it someone

in the armed forces

apparently was a

whistleblower and just thought that this was a horrible

situation and needed to be corrected

and these guys were like you know

look i mean if they thought they were insurgents

i could see

how they developed

this antagonistic attitude towards the

enemy because this guy’s

wounded they shot him up

his one guy survives

like just pick up a weapon just pick up a weapon

like he’s asking him to just

pick up a weapon so he can ice up

he’s got these

dirty and they look

they’re the bad guy

and this guy is out

there and he’s in the shit and he’s trying to survive

i mean that’s the attitude you have to have

if you don’t have that attitude and you’re in war

you’re gonna get killed

but what it

shows you is like what the fuck are we doing there

like what what is what are we doing

that our american

friends our people who live over here in this country

are subject to

becoming that guy

or subject to being put in a situation

where they are

shooting at

civilians accidentally and

thinking they’re insurgents they have to live with

these fucking memories

because someone told us

that we’re supposed

to be over there for some fucking strange reason

some fake weapons of mass destruction and now some

fucking democracy

building project

you’re surprised though an 18 year old made a

bad decision i

was an 18 year old

pilots i know but half

those people are so

young that it’s retarded

i didn’t get

smart and i mean

smart with like a z

until like 25

25 27 i would probably say i

started actually

doing making better decisions not fucking

doing crazy shit

no listen no doubt

about it i was retarded

when i was 18 and if i was 18 and i was in war i

would be doing the

exact same shit

i was hyper aggressive

extra violent

and ready to

ready to do

stupid shit

right you know

when you’re an 18 year old man and you are around a

bunch of people

who tell you you are supposed to be doing

stupid shit

you’re supposed

to be violent you’re supposed to be attacking

you’re supposed to be a killer

i mean man you

could program the shit out of us man

if you’re a fucking

angry 18 year old kid you know who has

a need to belong

to something

and this need to belong takes you to another country

and all of a

sudden you’re in afghanistan you’re

fighting for america you feel like

you’re representing some real shit

and then someone’s fucking telling you

you know this guy’s telling you you’re a goddamn killer

you know i’m fucking

proud of you

boys you go out there and go get it you know

like total full

metal jacket

style you know

look man any of us

could have been sucked into that i

could have got sucked into

it you could have got sucked into it

we all could have

but the idea that they’re over there protecting us

man we have to sit down

and fucking talk this through like what are you talking

about you know they’re protecting us

like they’re protecting our freedoms

look if they really were protecting our freedoms what a

noble thing

if there really

was some evil empire out there like like

the the nazis

that were trying

to fucking take out americans there was

millions of them and they’re

storming the beaches and taking over countries

that’s not what’s happening

okay there’s a

bunch of fucking dudes living in caves

and we don’t even have to fucking go in with

what we’re doing now that’s most

successful is

these fucking drones

these these

aircraft they’re

shooting around

total straight

video game type shit

shooting hellfire

missiles into mountains and killing people

i mean that’s probably the best way to hunt

these fucking

dudes anyway if there really are terrorists out there

like the whole

thing is nuts you hear people like michael

moore saying that there’s only a hundred taliban

or a thousand taliban

what he said

living in afghanistan

it was a hundred or a thousand either one of thems nuts

the fact that we got 30 000

troops over there is like what

we just sent 30 000 more

like what the fuck are we doing

it’s all so

scary that we’re putting our

trust into people that are

known liars

you know the idea of

protecting america

the idea of

being a proud

citizen and

standing up for your country that’s all noble

the real problem is

who is giving the goddamn fucking

orders people that totally cannot be trusted

across the board

full of shit

at every goddamn turn

whether it’s the

gulf of tonkin

whether it’s the weapons of mass destruction in iraq

whatever the fuck it may be

you know and it’s not just republican it’s democrat

it’s this fucking crazy

healthcare thing

and this fucking

crazy thing that’s

going on with the bank bailouts

where all this

money is just flying around

and there’s no accountability and nobody knows

where the fuck it’s

going and these

executives that came from these

companies that got

big fucking bailout

checks they’re taking big

bonus checks and saying

well they don’t get

these bonuses they quit like

fuck you what is happening

this is a goddamn money grab

like how is this money grab

going on the

money grab’s going on

cause they’re all corrupt the democrats the republicans

they all owe

favors to people

that got them in office and they suck dick

and kiss ass

and they let this bullshit pass through

so it’s not just the republicans

it’s not just

the people who want war the military industrial complex

it’s fucking all of them

it’s all of them

we live in a horribly corrupt

system that is we’re like sick

we’re like the

human race is sick like there’s something

wrong with the way we

think and behave

and or it’s

right and we

think it’s wrong

we’re supposed to

think that well it

doesn’t know because it

doesn’t have to be this way if you want total

enjoyment for the people that are participating in it

it doesn’t have to be this way

and the way it is

right now it’s

is this way because

too many people are passive and they’re sitting back

and they’re just

allowing this

life to keep rolling forward in the same direction

look it’s going in a certain direction for sure

but it doesn’t have to be negative and it

doesn’t have to fucking involve war

it doesn’t have to involve all this shit that’s

going on in

these other

countries we’re being

tricked into

thinking it does

we’re supposed to be getting past that shit

and we’re supposed to be

evolving in a technological sense

we should be

evolving socially too

and we’re not

we’re still socially the same way we were

thirty forty fucking

fifty years ago we’re

still doing the same dumb shit

where it’s gigantic

groups of people led by

a couple of leaders

will attack another gigantic

group of people

and a bunch of fucking

people that have nothing to do with anything die

and someone is getting

money from it

all it’s that’s all it is

it’s all about resources

every fucking one

that’s ever been fought ever

they’re about resources

and it’s just

crazy that in 2010 we

you know the real problem is we live too long

you know right

now we live to be like fucking eighty ninety a hundred

you live long enough to figure out it’s all bullshit

back in the day

when you were

fighting for the

roman empire

you know you

died of fucking plague when you’re you know nineteen

you know i’m saying

if you live to be

thirty you did a lot of shit you got a long ass life

you know jesus that killed him at

thirty three if he was ever real

you know i mean look at all that

the people that live back then

you know nowadays

motherfuckers live forever

you know you you hear

about some new lady in france

just you know a hundred

twenty six what

a hundred twenty fucking six

smoke cigarettes

drink red wine what the fuck

one twenty six

it’s incredible

people live way long

and you live

if you live past a certain point like

you and i are very fortunate because we’re in the

entertainment industry

so we don’t have a specific job that we have to do

every morning

like we don’t have to go to work and work on

say insurance cases all day

stuff that we’re not interested in

we’re lucky that we get to create and we’re

lucky that we get to do

stuff that we find interesting but it’s all fun

but for most people that’s not the case and when

when it’s not the case and when your

whole day is filled with work

and i’ve been there before and you’ve been there before

you don’t fucking

think too much

you don’t figure too much out

you know when you’re working eight

hours of goddamn

day plus and you try to get some overtime

because you got

extra bills and credit card debt and shit

you know when it gets to a certain

point in time

you know at the end of your day man you don’t

got time to contemplate the universe or culture or

you know why people behave the way they behave

no you just fucking keep going

you know life is goddamn hard

you just keep fucking going

but you and i have way more time by ourselves to

think on our own

than most people

so you get to a certain

point time and you know what by time forty two

by time you like

forty two like fuck man

the whole hustle is so obvious and stupid

it’s like the same hustle that

woulda got me when i was 18 i

would’ve goddamn joined the army for sure when i was 18

when i’m 42 it makes me angry

because somebody my

age is doing this hustle

on someone who’s 18

you know not even my age

older than me

you know i mean it’s like you

motherfuckers

should have figured it out already

you motherfuckers that are

older than me that are running the planet

you should be delivering this message you

should have figured this out

you should know that we’re living like retards

that this is nonsensical

that this is no

this is not sustainable

but we could live a sustainable life

and it doesn’t involve

going to countries

where you’ve

never been and fucking up people you’ve

never met it

doesn’t involve that

you know and this fucking argument like

about our boys well you know what do you want our

boys to die that’s how they have to behave over there

that’s stupid that’s a

stupid argument

yeah i know

that that’s how they have to behave when they’re at war

a hundred percent

but that’s not

the argument the argument this is is this is nonsense

they shouldn’t fucking be there in the

first place

it’s not that they’re not

heroes it’s not that they’re not

brave they are

absolutely have to be mean

that’s real fucking

fighting that’s real live killing and fighting

with tanks and missiles and jets and shit

that must be

white knuckle terrifying

you didn’t even like hurt locker did you nope

how come you didn’t like hurt locker

that was boring as fuck

you need to go to a doctor get your balls

checked out son

that movie was

we talked about as a million times i know we did you

gotta get your balls i’ll tell you what sucks

clash of the titans oh

yeah that sucks oh

stupid you see it

oh it was dumb

it was so dumb i mean i

like the special

effects are kind of badass the kraken was pretty dope

when the kraken comes out you like god that thing is i

heard it was like a made for tv

movie the special

effects sucked ass i

heard i just heard

i kind of like the medusa

you know the problem was there wasn’t enough shit

going down you know yeah

yeah i don’t

wanna see it did you see hot tub time machine

um no i haven’t seen that yet i

heard that was

bad too but what is this gentleman saying

i don’t like to respond too much to negative people but

i don’t know what he’s saying of course he’s reading it

all he cares

about is his internet

reputation not even listening

hmm

you talking to me

some chick asked me a question on twitter today

it was one of the

it was one of the most ridiculous questions

that i’ve ever like

heard ever so i like look at this

this chick says to me

her name is

taurus spotsy

twelve i don’t know

what the fuck it is it’s on my twitter feed she says

joe you can’t seriously not believe in evolution

you don’t believe in that joe

listen listen but listen how it’s worded

you can’t seriously

not believe

like i didn’t

even know what she was asking i had lost it so i said

if i can’t not

that means i can

right what the fuck

yeah what does that mean

and then i’m saying then i said that

i’m not saying i don’t not i’m saying she don’t know

if i do or don’t know

i was like fucking

did something about

twitter speak and

something about

text speak that’s making people really retarded i know

it’s so much better than cursive man i got a letter the

other day in cursive and it made me cry

i will take

no no you know cause cursive doesn’t imply

stupid to me

when i read something in text speak like you are

i go god damn yeah but i dudes do it when dudes do it

tries to be nuts yeah but my

brain could immediately skip to and

understand what it

was supposed to say recursive i’m more like

okay that’s a z

that’s y o u apostrophe

r e when you get a goddamn text message from me

you’re gonna get a fucking apostrophe

you’re gonna get a u apostrophe r e

i’m old school son

i’m old school son i prefer a

stick shift there’s just too much goddamn traffic in la

but i really prefer to

shift my own fucking gears you know i’m saying

do you like to shift your own gears uh

not in la now fuck fuck that get a nice fucking

bmw or nine eleven turbo or some shit

i’m done with

automatics i mean manuals i don’t know man for

sports car there’s nothing like it so fun

i have a little bmw little

m three i love that

thing but it’s got the paddle shifters

and the paddle

shifters are

pretty dope in traffic because you really can

shift gears

when you want and you really control the engine

but man there’s something about

pressing that foot

that clutch down

putting that gear in

click click

letting the clutch off

hitting the

gas at the same time it’s like you’re in tune

with the machine man you’re in tune with the machine

i’m just pressing buttons

i’m hitting the gas i’m

pressing buttons and it’s fun i mean

don’t get me

wrong the fucking car is fun as shit

these little cars now they make like little bmws

they handle

so good man

they’re just like they’ve figured it out now

and there’s a

crazy horsepower war now

so like regular cars that you buy are so much more fast

than they’ve ever been before

this bmw old bmw before this one had

333 horsepower

this one has 420

it’s fucking ridiculous

it’s as fast as my old 911

turbo that old porsche that i used to have

that thing was

stupid fast

this thing is

just as fast as that

but handles way better like the balance is like perfect

it’s like you feel like you

could just move it like it’s not even

real it’s like it’s a go kart or something you know

it’s incredible what they’re doing now

those new like

those new mustangs

that the shelby

the the what is it the the gt

five hundred

those fucking

things have five hundred forty

horsepower man

and you can

never buy car

unnecessary

yes but fun as fuck

that’s fun as fuck dude

if you had one of

those mustangs

those really fast one boom boom

that does nothing for me anymore oh

when i was a kid

when i was a kid yes but nowadays i’m like

no i want to live okay what if you had a weekend car

what if you had this and you had it like a mustang gt

five hundred for a weekend car you don’t

think that would be fun

and fucking just just not safely i’m not talking about

going down residential roads going

150 miles an hour

but that merging out to the highway

get to 70 like

that son you feel that fucking roar that v8 those

fat four inch pipes

are you kidding me that’s fun as fuck

that is fun as fuck i

guess i haven’t done it in a

while yeah you

haven’t done it in a while

if you did it if you did it

every now and then you realize that’s fun as fuck man

there’s a you know there’s gonna be a

limit though a certain

point in time like

how fucking fast can

these things go

the new 911

turbo is zero to 60 in

three goddamn seconds

three seconds

one two three 60

miles an hour that’s insane

yeah crazy stop getting text from your girl and fucking

shut that shit off 20

battery level yeah

yeah you faggot

acknowledge me dude please

there i did i acknowledged you dude you’re way behind

ryan pelicia

way behind what are you talking about

it’s this too much

there’s too many people

too much too many people have i ever seen a

movie called falling down with michael douglas yes

great good goddamn movie

i love it and

that’s how you feel when you live in la you know in la

after a while you’re like

you know there’s too many

humans they did

population density studies with rats

they took rats

they put them in a box and there was you know

there’s a certain

population of rats and they were cool with each

other and then they

doubled it and they

started getting a little

crazy and they tripled it

and when they got to like a high number

where the rats were on top of each other

rats develop mental illnesses just like

human beings do

some rats would sit by themselves and shake

and just like face the corner i mean

literally the way

human beings are

is mirrored in

population density studies for

all sorts of animals so

you take us

and you put us in the same the reason why people

yell at each

other on the highway

that’s craziness like why we get so angry and

angry on the highway

just because we were on top of each other just

eating each

other’s energy on the planet

you’re not supposed to live like that

and so that movie

you know that

movie just resonates with everybody i

think when he just went fucking

crazy when you live in a

place like la

la’s got 20 million people in it

i mean that was the reason why i

moved to colorado in the

first place

i wanted to get away

from this heavy vibration of all

these people

you know i don’t

think this is a healthy way to live i don’t

think it’s a healthy

thing to be like this many people

to me i feel like i’m living in a game of

musical chairs

like one day some shit’s

gonna go down and i’m just

gonna have to go further away

you know i don’t feel like i

could stay here no

did you feel that

earthquake the

other day no i didn’t i was in the car

i didn’t feel it either

i was in the car either but it was a mess like a wave

our friend duncan said that

his bookshelf was moving he said it felt like you were

on a boat like you’re waving that said our

friend duncan’s done a lot of acid in his day well i

heard it from a few people same time

same exact wavy motions wow

like three people told me

well it was a pretty big one you know it was a 70

right six point yeah six

point nine or

something would in baja california

and that’s like mexico and then there was isn’t that

where jesse

ventura lives

i don’t know

it’s fucking government and then fifteen minutes

later twenty minutes

later there was like a four

point three

north finders north

los angeles

the governor

tried to fly with me

that’s a bad jessica

winter impression

that’s great

that dude lives in

mexico half the year seven

point two i think that’s pretty cool

seven point two

seven point eight

indonesia two hours ago whoa

is that true

okay i’m gonna have to

check that shit out that’s

ridiculous i might

have to run hide in the basement if that shits real

indonesia sir okay

let’s move that

north carolina yeah right

how cool was that right

north carolina i’ve been

thinking about that lately

massive earthquake rock

southern sumatra and indonesia 78 on the rector scale

whoa motherfucker it’s true

four minutes ago this is on

these websites

god damn i love this little latest results thing and it

scrolls down it shows you all the shit

yeah i love that google is the shit

okay i’m willing to give up some personal liberty

so that google could be running shit

all right see what else we got here son

these podcasts have been a lot of fun

and met a lot of people last week

on the road in new york

and in north carolina and

thank you all very much for coming out and

i’m glad you enjoy the podcast

cause we love doing it man it’s fun as shit we

tesla got fucked by rockefeller yes he did you know the

the best version of that story is

duncan trussells drunk history

i don’t have a link to the

video but i’ll put it up for you guys i’m

gonna find the video for you because it’s so cool you

guys it funny or die duncan trussell

drunk history

they get duncan super super

drunk and yes there it is right there drugs history

i’m gonna put this shit on twitter content reject go

back in terms of you go back to that your

search results there was a video

daily motion stole it fucks

it’s hilarious though yeah it’s amazing

duncan was so wasted it

they get like bottles of tequila and shit and absence

oh yeah absence

right right have you ever done that shit

yeah never did really never did enough to have it

like i feel it or anything i don’t think

i did a long time ago

what is this um what is duncan’s uh duncan trussle

is it one s or two two

what’s that t r u s s e l l tell you right there okay

i have to give my man props on the twitter

it’s hilarious you gotta watch this

drunk history thing it’s really

pretty spectacular

but for the people that are tuned into itunes

right now you ain’t you get no link you motherfuckers

you don’t even know what we’re talking about

duncan trussell

drunk history if you google that

they’ll be a website up

where you can

watch you can

watch the youtube clip you can watch it on funny or die

you can watch it a couple different

places but it’s hilarious and yeah

edison was a cunt

and westinghouse they were cunts and

tesla was a genius but

their defense

tesla also fell in love with a pigeon

and yeah and he had an

issue where he destroyed his sexuality

like he had some fucking

crazy problem

with some actress and he fell in love with her

and you know this is all like really vague

stuff but the

in his own words he destroyed his sexuality

they don’t know

if they castrated himself they don’t know what

there was also a lot of speculation that he

might have been gay or whatever too you know

he was definitely a loon

but again i

think you have to be a loon to be like the fucking

greatest genius that the

world has ever

known i mean that guy was nuts man

that got created all kinds of shit

alternating current and

you know i mean like

literally like

you created

a way to fucking broadcast electricity through the air

you know the only problem with it was that it

would be like free wi fi they

wouldn’t be able to control it like to have it in your

house you’d just be able to have it

but i guess now you

could have like a password

you pay for the password well they already do that

in some cities they have citywide wi fi and it’s free

yeah but i’m not talking

about that i’m talking

about electricity oh

talking about if they

would be able to do that with electricity like and

put a password on it the way we put a password on wi fi

today right either way

nikolai tesla is a perfect example what we were talking

about earlier is a dude who’s like a just gigantic

super fucking genius

it like the

greatest genius ever and

completely bat

shit insane

just just just out of his fucking mind

claim that all of his information he received

um from aliens

that he would

you know he

would tune into

alien signals

and they would tell him i do all the

stuff you know

i always wonder

about that i always wonder

where the fuck ideas come from

what if ideas are

literally like a living organism

what if ideas

are like you know

you know how we think

about like parasites we talked

about this before like parasites infecting a host

right you know

and they take over the host body

like that grasshopper that gets infected by this worm

the aquatic worm grows inside the grasshopper

to maturity

and then when it gets to maturity

it convinces the grasshopper that it has to jump into

water and drown

so the grasshopper

commits suicide so that this worm can come out of it

what if like language and ideas

literally are like another sort of organism

and what if like they

are manipulating our consciousness

you know what if like language and ideas and all

these different

things that people come up with a

creativity and people

when people are creative

about things they pull

these things down out of the air

i mean what are you doing

you freaking me out

why is it i can see it

i can see that dude

we’re gonna do this podcast are you

gonna play on the

phone hey i’m trying to do some tech support here to

see if our you

stream shows

could be yeah we don’t need to see it we can

watch it on here

i don’t you gotta have

a real conversation

because you were not having a conversation you’re not

having a conversation you’re talking

about theories

and i’m listening talk back

then motherfucker i’m not

gonna interrupt your theories i don’t

understand why you’re sitting there and i’m seeing this

flash of your fucking ipad are you

seeing that i am

brian why are you arguing with me i am and

you know what am i lying

no you’re defending yourself

when i’m telling you it’s distracting all right

i’m sorry for listening to you while

looking at trying to do something and doing it more

than once it’s not tech support it is i’m not at

brian stop arguing

with me i’m not asking you to do this all

right okay jesus

that seemed very unnecessary

it’s not unnecessary

brian you’re

distracting me you distract me by web surfing in

front of me and i’m looking at your

screen was i web surfing

whatever you’re doing i’m seeing you fucking

flipping through pages

and you’re not listening

to what i’m saying okay we’re not having a conversation

we weren’t having a fun you’re talking

about theory

about something i’m listening

the thing we’re doing

right here this is

seven hundred

twenty four people i

understand you call the podcast

joe you were doing a theory i was listening to you by

watching you flip through this fucking

thing you’re not listening to

me because i’m trying to do something for the show joe

brian brian

don’t do it i told you not to do it earlier

this weird just had a little gross bat

a little hissy fit

it’s the ipad it’s fucking evil ipad he’s right

guy said the ipad’s evil it’s causing you to do that

to what if i

wasn’t doing

that i would have been like this

doing the exact same

thing we’re talking i would expect that you know

when you’re talking i do the same i

think you know when people are talking to each

other they sit back the

other person listens yeah if you’re doing a

bunch of shit i’m just telling you man i

know a bunch of shit

while i’m talking i know you’re not listening to me

joe joe joe it’s not that if i

were to go off for 15 minutes 10 minutes at a time you

would do the

exact same thing

yes you would not what we’re doing you

would not let me

talk for 20 minutes

right i’m not

talking for 20 minutes

and we’re doing a podcast all right

we’re not having a conversation though ryan

jesus christ

why you defending this because you’re attacking

really simple

not attacking yes

i told you twice

to stop looking at that fucking

thing that is distracting

it will look at this

thing then it’s in

front of us doing the same thing

no it’s not because you’re not

flipping through

things and moving

stuff around i

could tell you’re not paying attention

and it’s distracting me

okay sorry okay damn

have i looked into the illuminati

what if harp

caused the earthquakes shut the fuck up

okay whoever you are

god damn it with your nonsense go read some

david ike books

wow red band’s

the man shut the fuck up joe how dare you

listen we have

moved on you fucks but i have to i have to

set this boy straight

but we got issues

okay let’s go to we’re gonna go to the rogan board

go to my website

and find some of the questions people have there

to try to change gears here

okay let’s get some questions here

can you do this

can you talk

about being more flexible any books you or

eddie recommend on stretching and flexibility

just take yoga

if you really want to

learn how to suck your own dick

that’s why you’re that’s why you’re asking god damn it

you said you hung out with ron jeremy

he was at the party i was at the other day

did you guys hung

did you hang out did you talk

i said hi to him that’s about it

he used to be able to suck his dick

that’s why i had a bit my act about it

but he got too fat

and then the joke was that

that’s how overrated sucking your own dick is

that guy never

just sits at home and watches tv does he

cause that dude’s out

i mean i see that guy at least once a month

yeah somewhere

he’s you know it’s kind of funny

he’s like really into being like a mainstream

like success

you know he would always tell me

about things he’s done like i’m not doing this new

movie with this guy and i’m

gonna do a cameo on this tv show

you know and he’s like i’m

really trying to make it as a mainstream actor i’m like

dude you fucking

ron jeremy okay

do you understand

that you’re like a hero

to ugly fat dudes all across the

world you fuck the hottest

women on the planet

he’s fucked all of them

every single one of them he has a giant dick

and he’s fucked all of them hard

slaps them around fuck some doggy

style nuts in

their mouth and face

i mean he’s a goddamn champion

he’s a champion

and if that was like something that you thought was

gonna be like that you feel like you

could be a champion

about you know

like a lot of people like oh you fuck a 5 000 hot

chicks that

would be oh god i feel horrible you know

what you really

think people

would think that that’s a bad

thing like a

regular guy that

never gets laid that looks like him

to a regular guy that looks like monsters

look like that

that’s true he

was like pretty

fancy back in the day

he was a decent looking guy when he was younger

but he was never like

a hot stud you know

these girls are tens

right you know i mean and now he’s like this

gross fat hairy guy with

great chest hairs yeah and he’s

still banging them

all the new ones all the new ones have to pay

homage to the

staff of the king

right he’s like a

superhero for horn

yeah if you’re a dude who looks like him in jersey

you know you’re a fucking mailman or

you’re delivering sausages to the fucking

local supermarket

ron jeremy looks like you

and he’s banging tens and you can’t get late at all

you know you’re

lucky if you get some

toothless blowjob

from some hunts

point hooker

that just makes you

check your balls every

five seconds for the next

three days looking for herpes sores

you know what i mean

you’re lucky

if that’s you know that’s like as good as you can get

you know that’s

gonna cost you a hundred

fifty bucks it

would fucking cost you

you know this this

motherfuckers just

bang and he looks

just like you he’s banging them all over the place bang

i can’t wait to these

chest hairs turn gray

really they look sexy

do you ever

think about shaving that

i hate it dude

i fucking hate shaving because

what looks better

how like being an animal being a man or having

white little red bumps

everywhere with ingrown hairs and

stubble and you look like

i just think you’re supposed to

let it go supposed to be a man supposed to be an

animal and not true shaving your fucking problem with

jujitsu is if you especially

train with the g on

guys grab you

right here fuck

that they grab your you know your your collar

and when they grab your your

your collar they grab fistfuls of

chest hair it hurts like a

motherfucker

i suppose that gee

man gmad gee

you’re supposed to

have a gee man

yeah but they grab it through the gee

i mean that’s

the gee gets caught up in the

chest hairs

there’s a lot of like

guard passes

where a guy’s on top of you

and he pushes down

on a collar and grabs it they always get a fistful so

people grab your

chest hair you get like ringworm

staff effects and there’s no reason to be doing

jiu jitsu well

it’s definitely hard to justify sometimes you know

think about injuries i mean i’ve gone through

since doing

jiu jitsu i’ve gone through

two knee surgeries

one meniscus

one reconstruction

i’ve had all sorts of fucking back problems and so

why is jit jitsu

not one of the

things like if you

had a stove that

smelled like gas you

were always burning yourself there was always

flames coming out of it

why would you keep on

using that stone why

would they keep

doing it it’s like surfing when the guys

crash and get

scratched up it’s so much fucking fun to keep doing it

jujitsu when

you get good at it is really fun dude it’s really fun

you’re going

basically hand

to hand combat and you’re doing it with good friends

like these guys that i do

jiu jitsu with

you know you would

trust each other with

basically each

other’s lives

when a dude gets my back and

chokes me and i tap

i’m trusting that he’s

gonna let me go before he fucking kills me

cause basically he’s got to a

point where he’s killing me

and that’s the same thing

with you when you get on top of a dude

and you’re finishing

off a choker and armbar or something and a guy

starts tapping

he’s basically

trusting that you’re not

gonna injur him

you know and sometimes people get injured accidentally

but the amount of times that i don’t

get injured it’s way more the amount of times that i do

you know i get injured but i’ve had

these operations and shit over the course of doing

jiu jitsu for 14 years

it’s a long ass time

you know and

the first year or so

first couple years i had a knee issue that

i already had like

the knee surgery on my left knee the meniscus i had the

meniscus problem for years before that so it was a pre

existing injury

so really the only

major one that i had was the knee surgery

but you just get it

fixed then you fucking heal up and you just train

smarter next time

you realize

don’t put yourself in bad positions and don’t

train with spasms

that’s another

thing you gotta make sure you don’t train with

anybody that you don’t trust

you know it’s very important

guys some guys are just like a little too nutty

they fucking spas out on you when you

train and you got to be real careful

those dudes because they want to win so badly

the best guys are the guys who are really good

because guys

are really good even though they tap you out

even though

they can beat you they’re

gonna beat you with technique and you’re much safer

you’re literally safer with a guy who can kick your ass

who’s a black belt than you are with a guy who’s

strong who’s a blue belt

cause that strong blue belt

might fucking dive on your foot and

break it you

might try to get you in a foot lock

and get a hold of it so

quick trying to tap you out

that he hurts you before you can get a chance to tap

you know it’s a very

tricky thing but

doing it good is so much fun dude it’s so much fun

it’s so much fun

and you don’t

think about anything else it really is like a form of

meditation you know when you’re in there and you’re

going at it and you’re rolling with each

other you’re not thinking

about your bills you’re not

thinking about you

gotta wash your car and

your laundry no you’re thinking

i gotta survive here i

gotta get out of the situation

you know i gotta

get into full

guard i gotta pass his

guard i gotta mount

i gotta finish him i

gotta stop him from finishing me

that’s all you’re thinking

about is the moon the moment

and whenever you’re

involved in something like that that sat in tents

it’s like a form of

meditation you know

we don’t you

think that way

about like art sometimes like when you’re at your best

and you’re like with your

video editing or whether you’re creating something

like when you’re

right in the middle of it all

you ain’t thinking

about shit but what you’re doing

you know yeah but it’s always getting

getting it done

it’s never like i’m

enjoying it oh no fuck no

when i’m painting a

painting when i’m editing a

video and i’m doing anything

it’s getting it done it’s not

i’m not having fun

while doing it

i’ll have spurts of fun

while i’m like

going oh that’s a great idea

but that’s not like i’m like boner

style going oh i can’t wait to finish this

video really wow

yeah you know is that an attitude thing

you know i don’t know i mean

i guess i consider that

creativity i consider i’m trying to get

something out of my

brain and do

something else as fast as possible

while i have the idea in my head

like i’m trying to

take my ideas and thoughts

out of my head

and put it in a form

as fast as possible before i lose the original thought

right idea so it’s not like

oh i love this

idea i can’t wait to do it mine is just trying to

get what i want

what i thought of out

fast i like

making notes

with the iphone

using that little

application

but i don’t

like that i have to fucking go in the menu find it

press that press record

i think i’m

gonna get like a little tiny

voice notes thing

and when i have ideas like that

when i’m writing and i have an idea when i’m trying to

write it down

i think i’m just gonna

press it and

say the idea into it so i know for sure that i’m not

gonna lose it

you know i mean

like if you have your iphone that record app you just

open up a program hit record that’s yeah

but i wanna be able to just one press

and it’s recording you know what i mean step two

just that yeah

for real i mean it

sounds ridiculous

but it is i mean it is that

yeah i mean i have

the biggest problem like i will have an idea that

might be the coolest

thing i’ve ever thought of and if i

last or wait like five

seconds 10 seconds i

might accidentally

think of something else and that idea is gone

yeah i have that problem so much and i know it’s mostly

when smoking weed

because lately i’ve been smoking weed maybe once

twice a week instead of

almost every day

and i feel so much

sharper my memory

so much better it’s amazing how much better i feel

already and i’m just from cutting it well you

also don’t exercise that much either that’s a big part

about the weed

you gotta blow that out of your system

you know it’s not

just if you just sit around and just keep smoking weed

every day every day

the weed starts to lose its

effect and then you

start to have to get more weed

to kind of and then you’re like

you’re like

flooding your

system you know i

think that when you

smoke weed you can

shit like if you

wanna do something

creatively you can’t

smoke too much you

gotta have one hit

one hit’s good

if you have two or

three you might lose

track of what the fuck you’re talking

about yeah sometimes it’s fun to have two or three

but for the most part

one it’s a little bit i read that oh this is professor

not read saw this interview once with this professor

was a i think he was a physics professor

pretty sure

but he was talking

about marijuana and he was saying that he

smokes a little bit

he said the key is to not overdo it i

smoke one hit

and i go on walks

and i contemplate my theories

you know and

he says that that one hit he says it’s like

a magical push

like a little boost

just helps gives him gives him

a little momentum a little wind in his sails you know

and then it

starts the ball rolling

you know don’t you ever

think that like

sometimes you’re creating something you’re

trying to do something and you’re not smoking weed

and you’re like god so oh yeah

not getting

anywhere and then you

smoke a little weed and then all of a sudden

bam right but

the main thing i

think it is

it just gives

you a different perspective of the same idea that

you’re thinking almost like you’re multitasking you’re

thinking one way this way and you

smoke weed and you can

think of it

a different way and that’s

one of the only ways you

could ever do that

changing your

brain i mean you’d probably do it on cough

syrup and think of it a different way you know but weed

i think is the most effective and fastest

and reliable because you’re so used to that

other side george

carlin had an interesting take on writing what he

would do he would

write everything

first sober

and then he would

smoke a joint and go over it

which i think is kind of interesting

because he’s got like he put up the

skeleton of the

house first

and then he

starts adding don’t do it the

other way around

there because then it always sucks you know

well i don’t know man

i think if you if you write

to the high

sometimes you can come up with some crazy shit

and then if you go over it sober you go oh this is too

ridiculous yeah and then you can edit it

i think the

combination of the two is what’s important yeah

i don’t know if it’s necessary

which order

i think thinking of the idea sober and then

going off on the idea

stoned always helps i have better odds that way yeah

maybe i think i

might want to do that with my writing i

might want to

label it you know

like st and

so stoned and sober

and like so i’ll

write stso so you know i did it

stoned and edited sober

all right you know sos

i have some funny

stone jokes that i write and

and i look at them and they are fucking

crazy let me see if i

could pick out one real quick

well the bit that i do in my act

that is totally true that i

wrote down something when i was high and then i went

to read it when i was sober

and it’s like a unicorn is a donkey from the future

i looked at him like how

could i have ever possibly

thought that was something that i need to write down

that is for sure a

sure a sure sign that i got way too fucked up all

right here’s one of my

stone jokes

marble marble

industry has to be hurting right now

remember when you’re a kid marbles bomb

what the fuck who does marbles nowadays that’s actually

funny man that really is funny that’s how

that’s hilarious

new comedy tour half the show

stoned half sober

the problem with that is i

would have to like

start out sober and then step off stage

go outside and get high

and that’s when the cops are

grabbing those

motherfuckers twitter be laying in wait the

worst on twitter is when

you find out that you’re following a fake lisa kudrow

you feel ashamed and disgusted

but you’re not ashamed that you are following her to

begin with i follow everybody man

i follow everybody i can

i mean there’s no one that i follow a lot of real

dummies a lot of really dumb celebrities

it’s really annoying

into themselves

i follow people

that like give out like really patronizing advice and

like ridiculous god

quotes and just

really dumb shit you know

tweet some really dumb shit

deepak chopra

some of this

stuff is just like what are you fucking talking

about you know

deepak chopra you don’t know is he’s like some really

famous authors like

he says a lot of brilliant shit

now i’ve listened to

a lot of his interviews he says a lot of brilliant shit

but goddamn some of his

tweets make me want to kick him in the dick

the balance he’s missing the balance my friends

take a brownie at the

start that’s not a bad idea but the problem with

brownies is

brownies and comedy

do not mix my friend if i took a

brownie at the

start of my act

an hour into the act when the

brownie kicked in

i would be so high i

would not be able to function when i get really high on

brownies man i don’t want to be talking

i don’t wanna talk to people

that stuff’s too

strong i can’t

trust edibles

man they’re like it’s like doing small amounts

of mushrooms now to me like sometimes i feel like

i’m really tripping and there’s

that’s crazy that’s too

great yeah yeah

the fucking the eating it is

spooky man and for people who don’t know it creates

something when you eat it called 11 hydroxy metabolite

that’s four times

stronger than thc so when you eat it

literally is a totally different drug

than when you smoke it

that’s why people when they eat

brownies they always

think they got

laced with something

you know so i can’t do that

so that’s the answer that question there’s no way i

could eat a

brownie go on

stage then an hour in the

brownie kicks in

because then i

would just want to lie on my back on

stage start talking

about the universe and you know

some people

might be into it but there’d be a lot of people that

would leave and go that fucking show sucked

it was really

funny for like an hour

and then he just started talking crazy

he’s lying on his back saying he’s connected to

everything and

people would just not

not enjoy it just take a social dose

well that’s what we’re talking

about we can’t figure out

um what a social dose is because you don’t

unless you’re making the brownies yourself

and then even if you make the

brownies yourself you can fuck up the

first time you get it too strong and

i don’t have that time to like be mastering the

right dose of brownies

smoking is the way to go

well i loved you in calgary to jen ab

calgary was the shit that was fun man

that was a good fucking time

a stone universe tour yeah i

should do that you know would really be cool eventually

right now we can’t do it but eventually when i get to a

point where we can do

stone shows

you know like i could do a show

like somewhere

like in amsterdam they have those cafes where they

allow you to smoke weed

if we had a place like that in america

hopefully in november

yeah hopefully in november but i don’t buy it man

i think the

ea is gonna fucking put the gabash on that shit

the problem with

the drug movement is that making drugs illegal

good for business

and making drugs legal

puts a lot of people out of work it puts the dea out

of work it puts private prisons out of work puts prison

guards out of work

it puts parole

officers and fucking police officers

literally 50

of the people that are in prison

are in prison for non violent drug offenses how many of

those are weed

and what happens when we becomes legal

oh it’s a fucking colossal mess

so what they’re doing by keeping it

illegal is really protecting business and it

sounds crazy it

sounds like nobody

would be doing that

there’s no way the governments that fucked up

no it really is it’s that fucked up that

literally is what it is

the reason why it’s

still illegal is all because of money

there’s no one

dying there’s no one getting cancer

there’s no one losing

their fucking mind there’s

no yet it’s

still illegal

when you can go to fucking cvs and buy jugs of wine and

cheap liquor and

cartons of cigarettes and you

could smoke

cigarettes and

drink yourself to death easy

easy you know

literally you can’t die with pot i mean you can’t

i mean i guess you

could do something really

stupid when you’re

stoned and wind up killing yourself but

if you’re that dumb you probably

would have done something

stupid anyway you know

and when they say don’t die a

pod though you

could totally die

if you say start

panicking because you’re

stoned and then your

heart has a

heart attack die i’ve

never heard of that

of you you would

so you don’t

think that ever happened somebody’s got too

stoned started

freaking out

then their heart fails or something

i’ve never heard of it have you

heard of it

no i haven’t

heard of it

because they can’t really

saying that the weed

is like let’s

look let’s let’s google this if you’re a weak ass

bitch weak ass

weak ass i’m

gonna google weak ass

weed yeah heart attack weed

heart attack

from weed let’s see

can marijuana

cause a heart attack

yahoo answers

let’s see marijuana said to trigger heart attacks

this is just wiki answers wiki answers is

stupid because people like answer

that’s how i thought that whales

that killer

whales used to kill people i’ve read this online

in a couple different places

that killer whales used to kill people

until world war ii

and then people were using the whales as

target practice i’ve read this online and i talked

about on the adam corolla show

and even though i said

i don’t know if it’s true i read it online

that after world war ii

after the bombers you

know killer whales stopped killing human beings

and actually started saving

which would be really fascinating hold on a second

but it wasn’t

true it was just fucking wiki answers man some

crazy whaling guy on wiki answers and i had to like

chase it down

on my website

marijuana said to

trigger heart attacks

harvard harvard

university descends

five times the amount of having a

heart attack in the

first hour after smoking pot a person’s risk of

heart attack

could rise almost five times

god damn that’s if you’re a weak ass bitch

okay so or if

you’re just like one step away from having a

heart attack because you eat a

lot of meat you know or something like that be careful

weak ass bitches

i’m gonna write this be careful

yes that’s why when

you say that like marijuana is our killed went true

it didn’t it didn’t poison anybody it didn’t you know

but if you have some