The Joe Rogan Experience #16 - Brian Redban

bam ladies and gentlemen

what the fuck is going on

set this up um

sorry for the late

start we were all fucked up we had a we

weren’t all fucked up but the cam

is all fucked up better problem with the webcam

but we’re back bitches

hi how’s everybody doing

i’m back from abu

motherfucking dhabi son

that was very strange

scary at all

scary at all yeah scared me man

i mean it’s a

i mean it’s real safe

and it’s real western over there but the bottom line is

that place is

the first time we were

done congratulations

first time you muted the live preview yeah

hear ourselves but we

we got over there and

it’s very strange

first of all we were at a

place called yas island

which is a man made island they said

which means they

built an island

isn’t it sinking is that the one that’s sinking no

that’s the one in dubai

the one in dubai

that’s sinking is the one that they have that’s a

model of the world

if you ever wanted to know

how much money is an oil

right you gotta go to the middle east i’m sure

it’s fucking staggering really

i didn’t see a shitty car

while i was there

everything was a fucking mercedes

it’s a mercedes or

i guess the cabs are kind of crappy

but it’s all ferraris and lamborghinis and

these fucking

buildings they they

built this island okay and then they have this

thing called ferrari

world and that’s

where the ufc was and

which is this

crazy theme park they’re

building they just

building shit constantly

everywhere you go they’re building

you know like all throughout

like the city of abu dhabi it’s all just skyscrapers

and cranes and shit

going on constantly

and apparently dubai

is even crazier

didn’t want to fuck around dubai though

i didn’t want to fly in there

one of one of the options was

we could fly into dubai

and then from dubai

we would take a car service that

would take us to

drive it’s like an hour and a half drive and

to yas island

and i was like

i don’t want to land in dubai man i

keep hearing

crazy shit about dubai

i hear crazy shit

about people who

got arrested because there was some sort of a visa

problem so they drug test them

the arrest is this one

woman for codeine

she lives in the uk she has a prescription for codeine

cause she’s got a back problem she got back injuries

so they arrested

her for this and put her in fucking jail

because she had it in her system wow

and there’s another guy who was

traveling there

who had a speck of marijuana on the bottom of his shoe

but if you look at the dude the dude was like a rasta

he had dreadlocks and shit and that does not fly

did you vacuum out your suitcase oh my god did i

i didn’t smoke pot for a

whole day a

whole day you’re

crazy it was

out of my head

yeah that should just that shit scares me

all right there’s no reason it

to be put into that because i’ve

heard too many horrors

it’s not a regular

society i mean it’s run by kings

and you know for

the most part they run it just like a western democracy

means most you know it’s very clean and

very safe and cops are

everywhere and people are polite

but the bottom line is

you don’t have the same sort of

rights they

have in america you know we always want to talk

about our dwindling

rights and our

rights are certainly dwindling

but they’re still

way better than

what you get over in dubai

in dubai you don’t get shit

this couple

was making out on the

beach now they’re in jail that’s

they were making out and then they said

you can’t do that we’re

gonna put you in jail

so what they don’t have a problem with like

you know like the ring card girls wearing we were

i was wondering

because i didn’t talk to anybody

before i’m like what are they

gonna wear this

chicks gonna wear like

dresses like

how weird would that be if they had to wear

like that would have been awesome

yeah they gave me the headdress thing

the traditional garb

and there’s a guy

who does my job for the arab world

very nice guy

his name is muhammad and

they call muhammad

and they call muhammad rogan and

it’s hilarious

and he does the

whole outfit

when he does his broadcast he does this traditional

arab wear that they all wear

it’s like a

white outfit with like a

black thing around your head and then

a white headdress i don’t know what’s called

but everyone wears it there did it

smell okay over there

smell great

dude is there a

bunch of rich people with

crazy money and

weird outfits

right you know

and i kind of like the outfit for a certain

this is what i liked

about the outfit

i like it because like you can’t i mean

i guess you

could wear like a big

watch or something like

that but like stylistically everyone looks the same

and there’s something

about that something

about that is

dumb is like you

should be able to

dress and look however you want

but something

about that is kind of cool

because it’s like

is it really fucking important what you wear

it’s not it’s

like it’s in your head it’s nonsense and all this

style and like

how you wanna be portrayed like

have you ever seen

a dude who like wants to be thought of as like a writer

you know wants to be thought of

as like an intellectual she’s wearing like a pea jacket

with you know

elbow leather

elbow jack kerouac

yeah or that

it’s like just a certain

amount of like pretense that comes with what you wear

you know that’s unavoidable

you i dress like

i’m fucking 20 years old and i’m 42 fucking years old i

still dress

exactly the same i did when i was 20

if you look in my wardrobe when i was

twenty and now the only difference is i have more

clothes now that’s it and i have a lot of tap out shit

but other than that

it’s i fucking

dress the same

i there’s something

about wearing that outfit that they’re all in

unity too it’s

like they all recognize like we’re all in this together

like we all have the same outfit on

i mean part of it is like

it’s gotta be bad for like

creativity and

individuality and

stuff like that because one of the

reasons why people in america are so creative is cause

if you want to you

could put a lip ring in and fucking shave

half your head and

paint the other half purple and

tattoo your

face you can do whatever the fuck you want over here

and something

about that is good for

creativity to the point i

understand but also i’ve had jobs

where i’ve had

to have a uniform and it was so much better

having a uniform or wearing the same as everybody

else instead of having to pick out a different tie

every day and wear a

shirt every day

for work and yeah that is true

but if you had to choose when you’re working between

having a uniform and not having a uniform you’re always

gonna say no

no i don’t know that’s what i was just saying i

think i like having a uniform at work

because that’s good you have to have

to dress up

right right what if you

could dress like a real job any i’m talking

about real jobs

in the real

world in the real world

we live in the fake

world it’s not a

that is a nutty

thing though

about the world

is that the

world is so

it’s so goddamn

rigid and what you’re supposed to wear and how you

supposed to behave and how you supposed to dress like

jesus fucking christ like

what that’s

the best way they have of controlling people really

is to make sure that you’re always

gonna wear suits and

ties when you go to work and that

you know you can’t get into this

place because you have a hat on and you know

i hate the hat on

thing so silly that

i mean because i can

understand where like you’re in some parts

where you’re like oh that guy isn’t it

you know mike

mad at the other

guy because they’re in a different gang or something

or gotham yeah

you take your hat off yeah

they wanted me to take off my hat and i

was with you at a comedy club yeah and he works for me

it was ridiculous it was um

we were at where the fuck was it

well that’s the most

ridiculous one

strip clubs are another

ridiculous yeah that happens too

if you go to

strip club they

tell you to take your hat off now what if it was or

they tell you to turn it around it’s my

other favorite

if you wearing it like i’m wearing

sometimes say can you please turn your hat around sir

because like oh now you got me now i’m

gonna be normal

one of the funniest

things ever this is 100 true

story my ex fiance

and me went to a bar once

and we drove all the way to

oxnard or something like that

and we get there

was our friend’s birthday and they’re like

sorry sir you

can’t come in you don’t have a collar on your shirt

and i’m like wearing a

t shirt i’m like

what we drove

an hour and a half

to get here for our friend’s birthday and

you say i can’t come in and it was like all the

stores around it were closed because it was

oxnard at 9 00 pm

so i went to my car to try to find a

shirt and the only

thing i could find is my

ex fiance’s

shirt and it was like a small

little tiny

collar shirt that she wore for work

so i was like

fat man putting on this shirt it

wouldn’t even fit it looked like that old chris farley

like fat man in the

jacket thing like

i couldn’t button it up

and it had a collar though so i put the collar up

and i seriously

walked up to the door like this i’m like hi

collar shirt

can i come in and you’re like yeah i

guess so they let me in

so instead of wearing just a gray t

shirt i now look like a fucking

freak walking around the bar go hey can i get a bug

light and stuff

what is the collared

shirt a true story

what the fuck is that about

why why is a collar better than no collar

i don’t know especially

wouldn’t you just be like all

right you know what just take off that

just go in so

ridiculous the

thing about

the middle east

is that you don’t have to wear that outfit

when they gave me the headdress they

gave me one when i got there i was like okay am i gonna

do i wear this when i’m here like that would be

hilarious if

we did it like that me and mike both wore it

but no nobody had to wear it

but you know

those people

wear it and some people don’t but a lot of people do

when you go to the mall it’s like

i’d say like

30 or 40 percent of people are wearing it wow

that’s weird

so like do they

look down on people that don’t wear it like don’t know

do you get more

trouble if you wear normal clothes

i wonder that’s a good question

yeah maybe right or

maybe get in more

trouble to wear that shit

cause you’re

right fucking up the whole

scene right

blowing the

curve man i

think it would be

great cause i

would feel like you’re wearing pajamas

everywhere you

could just be

naked underneath it

it’s probably

something to do with the heat

you know cause it’s a really

light thing

and it doesn’t

stick to you and you know

i don’t know i

guess they’re probably naked

under it if you want it to

be awesome yeah

if you wanted to be

naked under that that’d actually be pretty dope yeah

probably perfect

for that kind of weather fuck yeah flapping around ball

sweat hitting your shoe yeah

great dude it’s

hot as fuck over there really and i don’t even

think we’re in the summer

but there’s

first of all

billions of mosquitoes

there we got

lucky and we didn’t get hit

but they said you can get you can get fucked up like a

swarm of them like

swarm on you

and you’ll get like a thousand bites all over you

there was wasps

that were flying around the cage at like that big

i was freaking out

because it makes you realize like oh yeah

like we’re in the fucking a middle east

you know i’m saying

we’re like east of africa

right you know

whoa do you see camels and shit

everywhere i didn’t see camels but some guys went and

wrote on camels and shit right

yeah next sex in the city takes

place there by the way really yeah

those dirty bitches to go over there to get some dick

apparently there’s a

tremendous amount of hookers in dubai

dubai is like

hooker central

it’s like there’s hundreds

and hundreds and hundreds of hookers so you go into

like bars and like clubs they don’t have clubs

unless the clubs are attached to a hotel

so you go in the club it’s attached to a

hotel and you

could just get swarmed by russian hookers wow

because there’s so many rich dudes over there

and that’s what it’s all

about it’s about rich dudes doing business

and they feed off them and suck

their cock and milk

money out of them

and you know get some cash

we were at the comedy

store the other day and this really hot chick

was all over my friend jason

and like yeah teeth

and everyone

was like damn he likes she likes him blah blah blah

and then finally like him he’s like

groping her and

stuff and he must have said something to her because

at the end she goes

you have to pay to play

and he goes what

and then he goes

what and then she goes alright

never mind and

walks away i mean this is like a half hour

of pre sale that she did to them

wow and no one saw it coming

it was like wow this is cool how much

money i don’t know

i don’t think he just went

what i can’t afford

cigarettes what the fuck are you talking about

yeah there’s

a lot of that over in the middle east though that shit

runs rampant

makes sense so many dudes with money

you know they have

the biggest

building in the

world is in dubai

it’s a half a mile high is that the one that has the

like golf thing on the top that’s another one i

think i don’t

think that’s the

same one but there is one with

a it’s a tennis

tennis courts

architecture out there is just amazing

off the chain yeah

they have so much

money they have more

money than you

could possibly imagine

but apparently it’s all dried up

apparently it’s

crazy now that so many people owe

money over there and if you get

if you go broke over there you don’t like go to

court and file for bankruptcy

no you go to fucking jail

they put your ass in a cage

they put you in what’s called

debtors prison

and debtors

prison is something you really want to avoid

so when people are

going into the hole

they just drive

their fucking ferraris to the airport and gone

so this ferrari

is abandoned at the airport like every day

people are constantly abandoning our luxury cars

leaving their houses

you know they show up to collect

money and there’s no one there and they’re gone they

moved to africa

or something

it’s fucking nutty bad

but they have nutty shit like indoor ski

facility like

you can go skiing indoors that’s badass i’ve seen

those before

apparently it’s

you have to see it to believe how big it is right

right it’s actually like

there’s a picture of it we

could probably someone

could probably google it

where it’s just like a huge like

slope it’s like a diamond

all the way down it’s

crazy i think

you can go surfing indoors too somewhere there yeah

where’d you go

i still appreciate oh yeah

yeah so anyway

so that was

what the middle east was like it was

people were very friendly over there food was fantastic

you know the the

hotels top notch

there was only well i

guess there were some people that were there that

weren’t there for the

fights but not

it wasn’t crowded was it legal

alcohol illegal

out there alcohol you don’t you can’t go to bars

but they have bars at your hotel

but that’s the only

place they have bars is in hotels

i think that’s the law you cannot have a bar

but you can have a bar inside of a

hotel for i

guess for westerners

wow but they have like you know regular

the food was

great the beer was

great it’s like a regular

beer everything

tastes okay like

their coca cola

tastes like

coca cola and

everything mmm

it has arab writing on it

that’s weird you

taking some of that

for what look it’s different

for your scrapbook

fuck my scrapbook

what are you talking about

what are you

twelve so their

arena was outside though

right there was no room

i didn’t even know

it was outside and that was an interesting

part of it too

because the

first fight was

john god damn it i forgot his last name

he fought for the ultimate fighter

anyway and mustafa al turk and

the the first fight these guys were so fucking slippery

they were punching and as they were punching

sweat was flying off them

because they were the

first guys to

fight and so they were fighting like

basically in the sunlight

wow and it was

you know fucking hundred degrees outside and

humid damn that that had to affect their

fight oh for sure yeah they

pace themselves you know and they got through it but uh

john madsen

thank you very much sir

and the john madsen mustafa

out turk was a

fight and they were so sweaty

and every time they

threw a punch

sweat was fucking flying off and

literally like like they

threw water

like they were

throwing cups of

water at each other

it was fucking

crazy so that’s

the so that’s the reason

why the guy who fought silva wanted to lay down the

whole time no

no that’s why

you just sat there we

gotta talk about that

that’s a very controversial fight i

rewatched the

fights last night

i rewatched

bj penn frankie edgar

and i rewatched

anderson silva

and damien maya

and the frankie penn

bj the frankie

edgar bj penn fight

a lot of controversy on that fight

one of them is

cause doug crosby who’s a

judge who’s a friend of mine i like them

he scored it

forty five to

fifty meaning he gave

every single

round to frankie

edgar lastly

now i thought

it was way closer than that is way closer than that

i watched again last

night in person i was like man i don’t know

when i saw in person i was like look the kid did

fantastic he

definitely did better than anybody expected

but the thing

is when you’re doing commentary for fights

basically i’m just kind of explaining what’s happening

i’m sort of keeping a

tally in my head

but what i’m concentrating on most is

explaining things

being entertaining you know trying to you know

try to do good commentary you not

really scoring

is done silently

you know correct

scoring is done silently because you’re contemplating

what’s more valuable i mean

a lot of it is subjective

but you have to contemplate okay

a guy throws a

punch and the guy the other guy

counters with a leg kick

which one was harder

which one you

know what i’m saying it’s like who do you give it to

with some people give the

punch to it

some people give the leg kick

and in that case i

could see how it

would be closer

you know then

then i thought it was when i

watched it last

night but when i

watched it last

night i thought it was

three rounds to two for bj penn

that’s what i

thought i mean i

think there’s been

closer ones before you know i mean but

to me i could have

taken either way

either way it wasn’t

ridiculous to me that he won

but 45 to 50 was ridiculous

and the reason why i say it wasn’t as

ridiculous because like

when i was calculating

when i was watching it like in the

first round he lands

a really nice leg kick at one point

and then bj hits him with a punch

and bj hit him with a couple

other punches during the takedowns

and he had pj with a few

punches and one of them cut him

so that probably

affected people because bj had like a little mark

under his face

so sometimes

judges look

at that and they go yeah he got the best of that

round just because

a little cut sometimes that affects them

so the know it’s

so subjective man

but then the

second round i was like

bj’s landing more

punches they’re like landing more frank he’s

throwing more he’s moving more

he’s making bj

fight his fight he

definitely making bj

chase up so you got to take that into account like

who’s doing better there who’s

got better ring general ship or control the octagon

while bj is the one forcing the

fight he’s chasing

after him but

frankie is really

avoiding too much damage but

i think the

cleaner shots were landed by bj

and then as it got into the

later rounds then it seemed like

frankie the only

round that was really

clear to me was the fourth or the

fifth round rather

the fifth round was

clear that was all edgar

he took him down

he landed some real good shots

it was a good

round it seemed like a

round for him

where bj was fading

every other

round but the

fifth was like man who fucking knows

well it’s kind of like if you see a

fight at a cafeteria

you’re not talking

about the first five minutes of a

fight you’re talking

about what that the end of the

fight is yes

he’s dominating that’s a very good

point that’s a very good

point and you know what a lot of people feel like

fights should be scored that way

that they’re different than

any other sport

and that the end

really is what matters because they’ve been imposing

their will on each

other and here’s the end result

the end result of 25 minutes of imposing

their will was that

frankie edgar

was kicking bj’s ass he

took him down

he leg kicked him

he was moving better

you know he in the end you know bj chased

after him the very few

the final seconds but he knew that it was the

final second i

would love to

hear bj’s not the type of guy to make excuses

other people that’s true

oh that’s true vaseline

well but that

might have been true though it really was

okay let’s be honest it

was true they rub it

on the guy’s face and you see him rub it on the guy’s

chest and rub it on the guy’s back that’s 100

i’m just kidding i know you are

but that’s 100

illegal and i love phil

nurse i think he’s a great

coach and i love gsp

i love the both of them but you can’t do that

i believe when they say that this fucking

witch doctor guy tells him to do this

thing because he explained it to me

he explained to me this weekend

it seems like

total malarkey

it’s like you know he’s telling me there’s

three minds there’s a

mind here a mind here and a mind here and this pressure

builds up on a

chain and you have to release and you grab here and you

press you know

why that works it works if you believe it works

that’s why that works and there’s a lot of

shit like that like i know a dude who’s a chiropractor

slash healer

and a lot of people

swear by him

and the reason why they

swear by him

is because if you believe that what he’s doing is

gonna heal you

your body has amazing ability to heal itself

negative and positive thinking

and negative and positive beliefs

about your life are without a doubt self

fulfilling prophecies you can decide that your life

is awesome and your life becomes awesome you can decide

that your life sucks you can decide that you’re healing

and you heal

you can decide

you’re not in pain and you won’t be in pain and you

can make pain happen

especially when it comes like back shit and

you know there’s

real injuries and people get car accidents and fucking

jiu jitsu you get your neck

cranked but there’s also people that

create back injuries to

avoid their life like they don’t want to think

about reality so ah

my fucking back

and that keeps them from

thinking about

other shit but anyway

that’s why they do this

thing where you

press the head and that’s what that’s all

about it’s like some psychosomatic

thing but it’s a

placebo if you believe in it man it fucking works

so i would like anyway i

would like to talk to bj and find out

how was he in shape

because he didn’t look as good as he usually looks

i mean he didn’t look fat

but he didn’t look as hard as he looked in the sanchez

fight in the sanchez

fight he looks sculpted

in this fight

he had a little bit of a

belly like a little bit of fat on his weight so

maybe he had an injury

because he also

didn’t sit down in a

stool in between

rounds which i thought was unusual

was it him that had the

thing on his leg

he had a knee

sleeve on and he didn’t sit down in between rounds

in which he

rounds he stood up and he put his leg up

put his leg up on the stool

and they said that to him at one

point in time bj put your leg up put your leg up wow

there you go

but i don’t know what that means it

could be a cramp

it could be nothing

it could be

if it’s that

humid and you just got done

fighting you’re

gonna want to sit down if you can

yeah i would

think so i would think so

i don’t know what it is

but see he hasn’t said a word

about it so i don’t know

so i think i

could easily see how someone

could give that

fight to frank yeager

it totally makes

sense to me

you know and i said like when i saw it live

i was like man i don’t know either way

but the end of the fight

edgar was winning the

fight and like you said that

should count more

that’s the way

pride scores it

the way pride used to do it

they counted the

fight is like one

whole thing

that’s how it

should be that’s

how i think it is totally i totally

agree with you i

think i think

fights are not like any

other sport

and that like

there was a

fight between rio

chona and brad

blackburn once

and brad blackburn was kicking rio

chona’s ass for two rounds

and then in the

third and final round real

tony came on

strong and he battered

blackburn just beat the fuck out of him

like really like went

after him and

broke his nose and

like had him running from him

total domination the

third round so was so much difference between

the first two

rounds which were pretty close but

blackburn was winning

blackburn was getting his shots in

but jonah keep coming forward

but blackburn was kicking his ass

but then the

third real jonah just

turned it on

but real lost the fight

he lost the decision because

blackburn won the

first two rounds

and i said that’s the first

the clearest

example to me

of how someone

won the fight

but lost the fight

at the same time he won a decision

right but he lost the fight

right if it was a

fight that guy lost the fight yeah

what’s crazy

about imagine two guys

fighting and at the last

second the guy hits a guy but

knocks him out

right when the bell hits

you know but in the

other guy won because he was doing the rest of the

fight better you know

but if you know

what i mean like what if that were to happen

what if that

knocks them out

no no right at the bell though like ding

bam guy knocks out

you know yeah

oh look after the

right right that’s a good

point you know

this is why you

would say that the guy

dropped his

guard because he

heard the bell

no no if it was like full for that

like ding bonk

you know like

i think as long as he was already committed to the

punch before the bell rang

right it wouldn’t be a problem

but you know that

would taste

like some crazy last

second buzzer shit right

rat no because it

because liotta bachita did that

he knocked out

tiago silva at the bell

like at the buzz

wow bang and he put him out huh

it was like during the horn i

think going off

or very close very

close within like a

second why don’t so has there

been any talk

about taking the

pride rules no

no you know what it’s

so hard to reason with the people that are involved in


so hard to get

things sanctioned

and the thing i’ve said before

people complain

about elbows

like this elbow

which is what they call the

twelve to six

elbow coming straight down yeah

the only reason why that was made illegal

was because

big john mccarthy just came straight from his mouth

when he was educating the

commission and they were trying to you know legislate

mixed martial arts

the people in

these athletic

commissions were worried

that downward

elbows on espn

at 2 o’clock in the morning can

break bricks

you know there’s fucking karate


so they’re like well we can’t have that because you

could hit someone and kill them

okay so you can’t do that but you can

still do this

which is more powerful

right i think

this is less

powerful than this

this right here seems to get more weight into it

it’s a more natural motion

this is pretty

strong but i don’t

think it’s as good as this

it’s like hitting someone on the head like that

is not as strong as hitting them like that

like when you turn your body into something

you have more

power and i

think that makes more

sense that this

elbow like the

elbow that john

jones broke

brandon vera’s eye

socket with

that elbow that’s a

legal elbow

but it’s like

powerful as fuck like

why is the other one

illegal and this one’s

legal that’s

nice i kinda get it though

cause there’s a big reason why the

ufc used to be

on a vhs tape with faces of

death in my collection

that used to be

shocking almost disturbing like oh i don’t

wanna watch

because it was like

this guy could die

no i definitely

agree that there

should be rules

and i definitely

agree that there

should be sanctioning but

it should be rational shit it

should be i don’t

think you should soccer kick people in the ground

right i don’t

think but i do

think that if a guy’s on his back

he should be able to kick you in the face

right if you’re on your knees so what he should

still be able to kick you in the face

you’re punching him in the face

why can’t he kick you that’s ridiculous

if you are on one knee you can

blast someone in the face with a punch

why can’t he kick you in the face

you’re trying to hit him

well you can’t

move as good well don’t be there then that’s ridiculous

you’re taking away

an important weapon for the guy in the bottom

you should be

able to up kick the fuck out of someone when they’re on

their knees

that guy’s trying to

punch you in the face you’re

lying on your back

it’s like your weight is on top of them like you’re

stomping him

right you’re kicking from your back at him

right you should

be able to kick his fucking head like a soccer ball

when you’re

lying on your

back and a guy’s on his knees on top he trying to

punch you you

should be able to kick the fuck out of him

and it should be much more

put yourself

in much more jeopardy you’re

in much more danger when you’re on top of a guy then

and that’s how it

should be cause that’s how it is in real life right

that’s how it

should be it shouldn’t be this unrealistic thing

where the guy has to be

standing up over you for you to kick him in the face

no it should be you can kick him

as long as you’re on the bottom

as you’re on the bottom you can kick him

and if you’re on the top

you can kick

everything except his head

and that’s what it is

you can kick a guy in the body when he’s on the ground

you know you can kick a guy in the legs

you can kick a downed opponent

so a downed

opponent should be able to kick you

anywhere from

anywhere who wants it’s legal

there’s a lot of rules that need to be

changed though like gracie’s

never tap come on

that last gracie fight

that fight that

wasn’t he wasn’t gonna

tell that that that’s one of

those fights though that i was like this all

right there

should be just i cut all

right fights over because i’m there

were so many times i’m like why is this guy even bother

let’s let’s

finish with the

frankie and your

fight before we talk

about that fight though because

i think like i said scoring is a very subjective

thing you could say that

frankie had your outworked him

because he threw more punches

and he landed leg

kicks but he didn’t land that many leg kicks frankie

definitely landed more leg kicks

he mixed it up more had take down time so i

could definitely see him winning the fight

i could see it being an argument

because no one

can say that

their opinion when something’s that close

you can’t really say that your opinions

right or wrong

but the fifth

round he won

yeah he won the

fifth round i don’t see how anybody

could argue that he didn’t

but douglas crosby man 50 to 45 that makes no

sense that’s

ridiculous that

doesn’t make any

sense he must have been drunk

that’s why the referee

should be done by

100 people yes i

think you’re

right i think

three is too little

and you know here’s another problem

maybe the referee

should be done in some sort of an online thing

where people

they get picked

absolutely no

like they get picked

they like posters on message

boards guys who are big fans

guys who really really

understand a

sport and we do it

electronically what’s the

thing that’s

like measures

tv ratings and

stuff like it

anneal somebody

yeah and something like that you’re on

i think you

should pick only a certain amount

i don’t think it

should be like millions of people oh no i don’t mean

i mean it means like that though you’re pacing

but you know what the

problem is they’d all have to be there live to really

then there’s

that too there’s that argument there’s that live

is actually not as good no you’re not seeing the

whole thing

right so you’re not seeing the

whole angles

and you don’t get to see

monitors you know like

when you’re live like when i’m doing commentary

i’ve got two monitors to my right

and one to my left

so there’s all sorts of

angles like sometimes

we’re looking at a

fight and we’re

watching it live through the cage and

right when some shit goes down

they’ll move in

front of a barrier

or they’ll move in

front of one of the poles and i can’t see shit for a

second then i have to turn to the monitor

or they’re on the ground and from the

angle where i’m at all i see is one

the side of a person’s

body like they’re on the ground but they’re on the

other side of the octagon i can’t see it

so i have to look to the monitor

the judges don’t get that they don’t get monitors

so these guys are just

watching the

fight as it’s happening

from the angle that they get

and you know i argued with

the fucking the athletic

commission guy about it

and he’s like well you know

this is you know that’s why we have

three judges so they all have different angles

but no because you’re

gonna get one guy

he’s gonna give a shitty

angle exactly you can’t see it as

guessing give him

fucking monitors no they

should have

monitors they

should have it like er

style where the doctors are all

above looking down at the

fight like er

absolutely you know

but the problem is even if

above what you

would really have to do is be in there right

and we can’t have that now

above with monitors the cameras are better really

watching it

watching it live is better for the

excitement like there’s nothing that

beats that excitement

it’s fucking nuts you know and when you’re there

and you know fucking you know

randy couture

is stepping in

to fight brock lesnar

and the place is

going bananas you know that’s

that’s pretty

intense you know that you can’t recreate that at home

at home it’s fun

but when you’re there

live you feel like you’re a part of history

like you feel like you’re a part of some

wild ass shit you

know when shogun and machida

fight in montreal in may

that being in that arena

when those two guys step in there for the rematch

that’s gonna be

everyone in the fucking

place is gonna have

goosebumps that’s

gonna be nuts man

because they’re

gonna know this is history man

right these guys went at it

for five fucking rounds

everybody thought machita was totally untouchable

and then most people thought

shogun won the decision

and now they’re

going at it

again and it’s live and it’s happening

right now here we go

watching at home is pretty dope

you know you get the commentary you get the replays you

get all the information but

watching it live

there’s some special

crackle in the air well you’re also

front row in the middle

most of the time when i

watch live i

watch the monitors like i watch it

while they’re

standing up

but once it’s down i’m looking at the monitor

and replay from the

floor you’re

right there yeah and i’m only like a couple rows you

know but still i’m

watching the monitors yeah

being right there is pretty dope to be

able to look through the cage

right it’s almost

worth keeping that

ufc job just for that yeah

do you ever get like

blood splat

right on your face

yeah i got hit

this weekend oh you did i got hit on my arm

yeah yeah one of the prelims

you just lick it up a little on it

a sucking tea out of it i told him give us a hot

water get in my dna it was

pretty intense

yeah there was a lot of

there was a lot of

blood in a couple of the fights

the that was in the

paul kelly matt

beach fight matt

beach had a horrible cut

he had a couple of them

and just splattered they were

right in front of us

and they’re beating on each

other and just the blood

just went flying

so that’s my take on the controversy on the

frankie edgar

bj penn fight

i think frankie editor

frankie edgar

fought a hell of a

fight it was a

tremendous performance i was

super impressed with them

but i’m not exactly sure

if i agree with the verdict i

definitely don’t

agree with 50 45

but i thought it was a very close fight

and obviously i’m not a

judge so who the fuck am i to judge and i

definitely could see an argument for

frankie winning it

and like i said he put on a tremendous fight

i mean really impressive and it

definitely won the last round

so if you you look at it in terms

of like we said you know someone that’s the way it

should be that though the guy wings around last

round wins the

fight i mean he’s the they’ve

they’ve imposed a will upon each

other and you

know the end result is

after all this time

this guy’s dominating the

other guy right

but cafeteria rules then

there’s another

school of thought

where you have to take the

champions title

you know which i don’t really

agree with i

think the decision

should be clear

but i think you go in neutral

i think when a guy’s a

champion you go in neutral

you know you both go in neutral

and if the champion

you know if you win the decision you’re the new

champion if he wins the decision

he’s a new champion it

doesn’t have to be some

crazy domination you

know because that’s what leads to like shitty decisions

where a guy

really does beat the

champion but

he only edges them and then he

never gets the he

never gets the

those are frustrating as fuck

cause you think he did it i

think he did it

yeah the other problem with the

frankie edgar

fight this is

an interesting

point is that

when you’re

watching a guy

who you think is

gonna get his ass kicked

right a lot of people did a lot of people thought

frankie edgar

was gonna get

you know bj penn is the

greatest lightweight of all time

frankie edgar got beat by gray maynard

they’re like

there’s no way this guy’s

gonna beat him

right so people like

think that because he’s doing well he’s winning

wow he’s doing better than i thought

so they say

holy shit he’s beating them he’s beating them yes

but when you go back and you watch it

that’s why it’s so much with so much pressure to be a

champion so much pressure

i’ll never forget this

when bj penn

beat matt hughes i interviewed matt

after the fight

and matt said that he was relieved

really yeah just all the stress

super honest he said you don’t know what it’s like

to be a champion and everybody’s always gunning

after you he goes

to be honest with you i’m really relieved

and i was really like

first of all i was very impressed with his honesty

know that’s a very honest

thing to say you know

when you you just fought

and you’re standing there

covered in sweat

naked in front of the fucking

whole world you know like i’m relieved i just lost

now i can catch a breath you know

relax and then he came back and won the

title again

you know so i think he

learn from the

experience but

i think it’s a

tremendous amount of pressure for guys

to fight and defend the

title and to always worry

about defending the title

especially in something like

mixed martial arts

i mean it’s probably a

tremendous amount of pressure

if you’re a fucking

basketball team

you know defending

their their

world championship but a

fighter when

used always guys coming up

their gun in for you

and every time you

watch a ufc

there’s some new murderer

whose head kicking dudes into a fucking coma

and he wants to do the same shit to you

and he’s talking shit

about you calling you a faggot and a

bitch and like

jesus christ

you know these guys gets

that’s why they’re so goddamn sensitive is that what’s

going on right now with

tito and lidell isn’t it

it seems like it seems like they’re

fighting back

or is not fighting

chuck liddell

oh really not

fighting chuck liddell

chuck liddell is

going to be

fighting rich

franklin and i can only say this because it’s

officially been released

it was on the

ufc’s website

i can’t say why

they’ve been

going back and forth on

twitter i’ve been noticing it it’s kind of getting dirt

oh yeah well that all

it’ll all come out what happened in time i can’t talk

about it though

right it’s um

oh yeah that’s what it is

so um anyway

that’s that

but you know when dudes are defending

their title i

think there’s a lot of emotions at

stake and i

think that’s one of the

things that people have to

take into consideration with this anderson silva fight

you know anderson silva


angry at him and

every and it was a very

disappointing fight

especially because the

first two rounds

he looked like like fucking

bruce lee i mean it was like

ridiculous shit

he was he that flying knee that he hit him with in the

first round

you like jesus christ

he’s just gonna

steam roll this guy

he’s just gonna keep doing this

until this guy just crumples

he’s just gonna keep attacking at will and he’s

breaking this dude’s will it was totally humiliating

but i think that the emotion

of defending the title

the emotion

and the pressure of being regarded as the best

pound for pound

fighter in the world

i think that’s an insane amount of pressure

i think it’s insane

and i think when damien maya said shit to him like i’m

gonna take one of his arms home with me

anderson got fucking

crazy so when he was in there

after the first

round after he was kicking his ass

and the second

round he’s just

started just talking mad shit

yelling at him in portuguese i wish i

understood what the fuck he was saying has he not been

translated yet well some people have

given rough


of it on the internet but i don’t know how you

could possibly hear

i’ve watched the

fight and i’ve turned the volume way up

it’s so hard to discern

what he’s saying

because there’s no

microphone on him he’s not miked

headphones man

and the crowd is

screaming cheering and

we’re talking over him

right so me and mike

were talking like what is he saying you know and he’s

going not screaming and yelling at

even if you had headphones on i

think it would

still be hard

screaming and yelling at

damian maya and i

guess he was calling him like a

spoiled rich

kid or something like that like just damian miles like

comes from a better

upbringing i don’t know what it was

where’s your

jiu jitsu now is another

thing that people are speculating he was saying

like where’s your

jiu jitsu where is it bam then kick some

where’s your jiu jitsu

see i didn’t have a problem with it

i’m not on the boat that dane is

on and everyone else is on with it because i don’t care

about the respect

thing to me

if he can play fucking air guitar in the ring

you’re putting

him up against somebody

that shouldn’t be there

like if you

put him in with a brock that’s just attacking him

where he doesn’t

have a chance to do all this fun shit in the ring

then that’s different than

the guy just

going to his back

every time because he wants to do jiu jitsu

i mean if he

doesn’t want to you

know he was laying on his back he kept on

going to his back

to me i was like

well he only

went to his back because he failed to take down and

he has to do that

he has to fall

backwards because if he moves forwards he’s

gonna get punted

he doesn’t really that’s

really when when you pull when you

shoot on a guy and you don’t get to take down

what happens is

like say so you

shoot on a guy try to get all of them he sprawls

you have to

follow it when a guy sprawls he kicks his legs back

right when he kicks his legs back

you have to follow his legs with your legs to try to

stay a hold of them and

right but of course anderson knew this was

gonna happen and anderson

is so much more explosive and so much faster than him

like i’ve always said i

think he’s in the

matrix like i

think he’s just seeing this shit

like he can see

something going on five

seconds before it happens

and i think all

right you gotta get somebody that’s in the

matrix okay but

how come he couldn’t

keep doing that because he didn’t do that in the fourth

round a fourth

round he got fucking whopped

the fourth or the

fifth he got hit with a big ass left hand

where dan was because he

got he stopped doing it because he’s heard what

all the people booing at him and probably dana

might it’s like you

some got up and left or something

crazy like that

he probably like all

right i guess i have to get out of this

matrix for a while

and be somebody that i’m not fuck me talking

well i mean

if you look how

smooth and calm

he was up to like

about the fourth one

then it seems like something happened between the

third and the fourth he was yelled at or something

he got tired

wow that’s what happened he got

tired we’re outside

it’s super humid

it’s hot as fuck

it’s first time

fighting outside it’s

he’s gotten two rounds of

clowning in

and i think all that energy that he

expended he

could not keep up that kind of pace

he was winning the fight

based on sheer

explosion and

absolutely totally

avoiding any damage

which is his

style but then he got hit

when he got hit

in the third

round or the fourth

round rather i

think it was the fourth of the

fifth he got hit with a big left hand

i think he shut down

i think he was like fuck this

i think he really decided like i

could get my i

could get hurt here

you know like and he’s tired

right you know so he decided to keep moving i really do

think that’s what happened

because the

fifth round

he didn’t do jack shit

you know and there was one segment

where he was

standing over maya

and maya was

throwing bombs at him from his knees

maya was throwing

punches from his knees

and maya was just trying

to fucking kill him he just couldn’t connect to them

and in that kind of exchange normally

anderson just

lights dudes up

that kind of exchange of guys coming at

him attacking and bombing up

and he doesn’t counter

why isn’t he

counter he kids

not he’s tired

that’s what happened

you know and

now i don’t hear a lot of people saying this i

think in the fourth and the

fifth rounds

i think he was

tired i think he was too

tired to to

fight at his normal pace

which is his

explosion inside and outside his

speed that he uses

he’s lightning fast man and when he dives

in like that he’s so much faster than everybody else

and that’s one of the keys to his countering

but when he got

tired he wasn’t as fast anymore

he just wasn’t

he lost a lot of

esteem and i

think he just

sat at his coast

he was like fuck it

i won this fight

i’m just gonna

coast since

do you think that’s his fault for

being able to

coast it’s a good

point because i mean brock

wouldn’t let somebody

coast for two

rounds neither

would you know

fade or fader

would put a guy out he

would he would find the guy put a put fade or

you know is not afraid to get hit

anderson never gets hit

fader gets his face busted up

i mean the brett

rogers fight like

right like first

round first

minute he got hit with a big jab

and his nose broke open

he had a cut on his nose

going into the

fight anderson

never gets caught he

never gets hit

he got hit more in the damian maya

fight than i ever recall him

he definitely got hit harder

when damien

there’s one

animated gift online

that someone

found of damien

why maya stepping in and

cracking silva with a big fucking left hand

and really hit him square and silva

wobbled and

moved away and

started dancing

that’s a guy who got hit that’s a guy who’s

tired and got hit

i think he fucked

around too much in the beginning he blew a

ton of energy

we’re outside it’s

humid and then

i think psychologically he

starts thinking what the fuck am i doing

you know i’m acting like an asshole and

screaming and yelling at this guy

and then he stand in

front of the dude

clowning him and he gets

cracked and then i

think he just decided to move just fuck this

see i’m a huge silho fan still

i don’t care

what happened i

think if anything he

learned his lesson

in this shit but i don’t

like all these people are like you know

blaming him for this

and i just don’t see it i’m like

why isn’t the

other guy the

other guy let him all do all this well here’s the

problem here’s the problem

first of all it was a historic ufc

he was the headline

fight and one of the goals of course besides winning

winning is the number one goal for

a fighter but the

other goal is to entertain

you have to

realize that you’re in a partnership with the

ufc and the

ufc sells pay per view

and what they say

sell pay per view on is

based on how

impressive and

exciting your performances

yeah but when you play

easy when you

play easy and you just run away you know an attack

he could have finished that guy off in the

second round

he could have

maybe finished him off even in the

third round

he had just put himself in danger

and he’s not willing to put himself in any danger

and he’s very smart

for that yes well calculated

fighter i don’t i see the argument for that however

for what he did in the fourth

round and the

fifth round i don’t see an argument for

because he didn’t do shit

he didn’t attack at all he didn’t fight

he literally didn’t fight

maybe he couldn’t

you know i mean

he definitely couldn’t

fight the way he fought in the

first two rounds

and he’s not willing i

think at this

point in time with all the pressure on him

being widely regarded as the best

pound for pound

fighter in the

world he’s not

willing to get in exchange and get

cracked you know he’s got a

tremendous ego

especially for


you know i see the


thing but i also say hey

is this entertainment part

going make me lose this

fight because if it is i’m not

going to do that

yeah i mean look i

think there’s

definitely some worry

about that i

think he definitely was

worried about

if he was tired and if he was

going to those fourth and

fifth rounds

the only thing that makes

sense to me

is that he moved around because he didn’t feel like he

could fight at the pace that he fought out before

and when that guy hit him

he said you know what this isn’t a game i

could get hurt here i

could lose and i

would look completely retarded

right so let’s just move around fuck this guy

i’ll throw some faints

right i’ll move around

faint yeah the guy

should have attacked him more

yes he couldn’t

the bottom line with damien myers damien my has a

tremendous heart but

his striking is so

below what anderson’s is the only way it’s

gonna work is if anderson’s really tired

and anderson wasn’t willing to stand in

front of him when he’s really

so who do you

think silva

can fight that

would just change the game the guy will

come in there and won’t let silva do any of this shit

it’s a good question some people say vitor belfort

but the problem with vitor

belfort is vitor

has had some

very uneven


like sometimes he just looks like unstoppable

like against like rich

franklin you know

against van der lee

silva he comes

charging out in the

first round but sometimes like

against sakuraba

things don’t go his way and he kind of shuts down

and guys wind

up beating his ass like he

broke his hand in the sakuraba

fight early

and you can see him like totally shut down

and sakuraba just kicked his ass

you know in the

randy couture

fight same thing

randy couture just

broke him got on top of him and just beat him up

in his first

fight with randy couture

and in his third

fight the second fight

was stopped really

quickly because

randy had a cut on his eyelid and his eyelid opened up

like it was like

split in the middle

like he got

glanced with a

punch and then vitor

became the champ for one fight

and then when

randy beat him up in the rematch

randy got on top of them just broke them

you know vtor

if guys put

put a tremendous amount of pressure on him in the past

they’ve been able to

break him but

the other argument to that is he was

going through a

tremendous amount

of personal problems back then he’s a different guy now

his sister had been abducted and kidnapped and killed

and he was like really devastated for years you

know and that

he’s over that now and he’s very religious and more

at peace with himself and more

like in tune

and his last few performances

have been staggering

like the matt

linland destruction

he destroyed matt linland he looked outstanding

and then he came to the

ufc and destroyed rich franklin

i mean he looks

scary as fuck and

anderson you know

did not want that

fight they were talking mad shit to each

other i mean they were you know

anderson’s manager was trying to say that vitor

doesn’t deserve the

title fight like

what are you talking

about he’s the scariest

motherfucker at 185 besides anderson

right of course he deserves it

i don’t think they wanted that

fight i think

you know they can talk all the shit they want

about him being weak and

v towards weak and he

breaks mentally

he comes at you in that

first round you have to

fight him before you break him

okay before you

break him he’s

throwing light

speed fucking barrages of

punches like no one else in the business

he’s scary as fuck

and if he really is

a better more

mature person if he really is more centered now

and he’s not

going to break

and really is like

at home with

himself and really his problems in the past were he was

going through a lot of emotional and personal problems

but those have actually made him stronger

if that’s the case

everybody’s fucked

cause that guy is a freak

he’s so fucking fast

he might be the only guy that’s faster than anderson

he’s a counter

striker and he’s not as long as anderson

so anderson

would have a little bit of advantage and

a reach advantage

but goddamn vitor

is fast as fuck

and john jones

super athlete john

jones is a freak too

but john jones is 205 john

jones can’t make 180 what

about gsp vs silva

could that ever happen

he was going to happen

that should happen

it was going no they’ll

never do that now

they can’t trust anderson

now they can’t

trust him to perform

this is what i was saying before this is why this

fight was so important

this is why they’re so pissed

because of the last two rounds

him just running away

the ufc is owned 10

of his own by

flash entertainment

which is the

royal family in abu dhabi

and this was like a huge showcase for them

this was like

their big acquisition

you know they’re

partners now and they’re

gonna help bring the

ufc to all these

world markets all over the world

so everyone’s all

excited about this

right so then they have this huge event

where it’s like a 3 million dollar gate okay

that’s the ticket sales

they have fucking ferrari

world they put it inside ferrari world

first outside thing

the thing looks fantastic the

crowd is insane

the crowd was awesome they were so pumped up

everybody was

super fucking rowdy

every fight was chaos

except the bj penn

frank jaeger

fight that was just very close

you know but there was some wild ass fights

before the black

brad blackburn and demarcus johnson

god damn kendall

grove and mark buenyo

that fucking

fight was awesome it was just nuts

the crowd is hyped to the gills

anderson silva comes in

they go fucking

crazy there ain’t

no sunshine when she’s gone the

music plays

you see him dancing

they’re going fucking bananas

and he runs for the last two

rounds yeah

and dude it

was a disaster everybody walked out of there with their

their head hung

shaking their head

going what the fuck everyone was


it wasn’t like

there was two arguments

some people were saying well i see his

point might take a chance no

everyone was bummed out

what the ufc sells

is just wild shit

you’re selling wild fucking

chaos fights

the most exciting

sport in the world

what anderson

silva is selling is

he’s the very best at the wild shit

right and meanwhile he didn’t do it

the last two

rounds he just ran away

that’s terrible for the business

it’s terrible for

what the ufc is trying to accomplish in

other countries

it’s terrible for

their new partnership with

flash entertainment

it’s terrible

to have a ufc outside and all the

fighters be out of

their element too

it is you’re

right but it’s even

they’re both out of

their element yeah

but they’re also i mean

that’s just different you know that’s like playing

flips all the time he

was fighting though

it had cooled down it

cooled down to like

maybe the 70s

but the first guys yeah

john manson and

and mustafa

i’ll turk those

motherfuckers fought in a sauna

what you think

about that gracie

fight though i thought that was

awful well henzo hadn’t

trained for two and a half years wow

that’s a long time yeah i said he didn’t

train at all this what he said in the post

fight interview

and then he

trained for six

months for the

fight and it just wasn’t enough

matt hughes

for him he had been looking to

knock somebody out forever

so for him it

was an awesome opportunity to finally get someone who’s

gonna stand in

front of them wow

you know i like matt

hughes in it

yeah he like

kicked the shit out of him i thought he was

gonna take him down

i thought he

would beat him from the top

because matt

hughes even though a kenzo has like really good jujutsu

matt hughes’s jujutsu is very underrated

and he’s very

strong and is

wrestling look what he did to hoist

when he got him on the ground

he just ran through hoist

when he got him on the ground

he’s strong as fuck man

and i just think

it would have been more

exciting if they went to the ground

both would have been in

their element

instead it was like a

sloppy kickboxing it was bad

yeah it looked like

ultimate fighter like the

first episode yeah

yeah yeah yeah like

the tv show yeah it’s a bunch

they’re both doing

things they’re not good at

it’s like you and i

we’re gonna have a one on one game of

basketball right we

both fucking

suck at basketball

yeah it’ll be terrible

you know but you know

if they both had a

if they try to take each

other down and you know and had a ground battle that

would have been

exciting as fuck

for matthews though

it was a smart move

he had an advantage

standing up and plus no one’s

gonna take him down it’s very

tough to take that

guy do you got to be like gsp to take matt hughes down

right so he wasn’t

gonna take him down

and matthews felt like he had an advantage

standing so beat him up

so that’s what he did he beat him up with leg kicks

slowed him down and then eventually

planted them

you know i think matthew

still has a lot of

fights in him if he wants to there’s

still a lot of good

matchups for him if he really gets

motivated i don’t

think he’s gonna

fight like that with that many people though i think

his decision to

stand up with him was purely

based on that he felt like he had an advantage

in that position

he needs to

change his opening song already i’m done with it oh get

the fuck out of here

that’s a goddamn

classic man says

fuck you i’m

gonna play that now because you say that you


i’m just saying that you know it’s it’s

fuck you done with that i think

my favorite

fights are the japanese dude that’s not

fighting anymore the

ufc because he lost the last one

where he dresses up and

he has fun with the opening like the japanese pride guy

he is my favorite man

i wish they would

there’s no chance he’s ever coming back dfc right

yeah there’s a chance oh really

gomez still pretty young man

i like candies when my feet love this song motherfucker

this is walk out

come on man this is a great goddamn song

so you never wanted to live in the woods like this

motherfucker yeah i liked it the first

500 times i’ve heard it

god i don’t give a shit

when he comes out to that he’s fucking chewing on his

mouthpiece come on son this is the

greatest walkout music ever i know in my opinion

there’s no better walk out

music than this song for matthews there’s no better

match doesn’t doesn’t

what’s better

come on son

it’s perfect for him but

mix it up a little

i’m always about mixing it up a little

nah you lie

the guy won

a million fucking

fights with that song yeah fuck you it’s greatest song

ever plus the

ufc owns that song oh that’s perfect they bought the

rights that’s really because of matt

who’s yeah so they can use the whole time

yeah they’re the ufcs fucking they’re

crazy is there any word on a new kimbo fight

kimbo vs mitreon

may 9th nice in montreal

go if you want want to come with you

kid gets fucking four seats to the usa how

about all you people out there that are like fuck man i

would like to go you can’t even go

that’s bullshit all right

so i actually prefer it dude

watching on tv yeah

you would too

i bet you would too

if you were with

it we go to barney’s beanery now there will come a time

while i would be

watching it on tv

i’m not gonna do this forever yeah

we go to barney’s beanery

there’s a tv at our table

plasma right in

front of us

there was like

movie theater

tvs we got waitresses

bringing us the joker

worst food ever beer

there’s like 20 of us

i mean it’s like a party

yeah that’s better

right it’s way better

it is better

god damn it

you gotta call in six soon i know right

i’m responsible for part of the

entertainment part of it though the talking part

yeah you know

i would like to i like

watching it with commentary man

oh i don’t way rather

watch somebody else

do commentary

like michael

chevello or

like if michael

chevello and goldberg got together and then like put a

fighter in there like pat milita

or something like that i’d be

happy as fuck

to sit home and

watch that right now

tibetti can’t do it from your home like you

know how like

xm radio stations

they could do their ship

from home now

tibetti can’t just sit there with a tv and one no

i have to interview

the fighters

what are they

holograms man

the monitor

real doll yeah

robot fuck doll

that’s what we were talking

about before like that when they

could replicate people the

first thing to do is replicate

celebrity so you can fuck them yeah

so no eventually though i’m just

gonna do stand up i don’t know when it’s

gonna happen but

maybe sooner than later i’m

not i don’t like all this

traveling you know it’s getting crazy

you know that was one for your health

there’s one thing that everyone was talking

about at the bar i was at

is that there’s too many ufcs now

they were all talking

about that really yeah

they’re like

that’s why we’re coming here because i can’t afford two

ufcs a month yeah

meanwhile the pay per view numbers are

still awesome oh yeah

absolutely they’ll always be awesome you know the

point is though the more they do it the more

it grows and the more it becomes a part of like the

culture and it’s 12

months a year and it

never stops i mean it really is

gonna take over

everything it’s

gonna you know what’s

gonna happen eventually

i’ll probably just do the

vegas ones eventually

i’ll just do some of them

you know where the la won’t

ever come back to la they won’t come back very often

they go to la like once a year

every two years or something like that

we got too many

places to go we

gotta go to fucking

germany and ireland and australia and all that shit

about ohio why does it have to be

crazy well the wec went to ohio this year i know

but why do you

have to go to afghanistan is why do you just go to ohio

now because they want to take over the

world you know they want to take over the

world look they have a product that was very very

undersold right when they

first came into the

ufc the ufc had insane potential

but very little

coverage very few people know

about it when

when i first

started working for the

ufc was in 1997 and

and the company that i worked for was seg

a very much

smaller company than

you know the

ufc now was zuffa

it was you know it was

a lot of the same guys are

still there

a lot of the behind the

scenes guys

we did shows in like

little fucking

high school auditoriums and like

dothan alabama

and shit like really

small ass shows

and we always said

you know what this

sport needs

this sport needs some fucking

crazy billionaires who just love the

sport to come in there and just

shove it in

front of people’s faces

put it on tv

spend a fuckload of

money and make it huge

but nobody ever thought that was really

gonna happen

but that is what happened

with zuffa what happened is

these guys that own

22 fucking casinos

happened to be ufc fans

and they decided to buy it for fun

you know let’s buy the

ufc that’ll be fun

and so they get dana to run it i mean

you’d have to be

crazy to get that fucking guy to run it

right you know i mean think

about that or

really intelligent yeah but he’s the perfect

guy he’s the perfect guy the perfect guy for but what

other corporation would

have us a president or ceo like that a

fighting corporation but

there are no

other ones you know i’m saying it’s like you

would go they

would have a businessman who

would step in and do it meanwhile dana is just a nut

and a crazy

fight for him he’s the perfect guy for the job

literally you couldn’t get a better guy for the job but

then they took

over but they realized when they took over once it

started taking off

after the ultimate

fighter tv show

started airing

they realized

that all the

sport needed in america was exposure

and this is a

sport that transcends cultural

boundaries languages

it transcends

everything traditions everybody

understands fighting

you know nobody’s gonna

watch fucking cricket in america you’re

never gonna sell that

you know you

could try to

make people

think they’re sophisticated if they

enjoy soccer or

maybe you know your family’s from

latin america so you like soccer

but no one is

gonna fucking

buy cricket

they’re not

gonna buy cricket

but fighting

fighting is

everywhere you can you can

watch fighting in

china you can

watch fighting in germany it

doesn’t matter it

doesn’t matter if you

understand the language

i like watching the old

prides when the

i used to get

prides straight from japan

and the commentary

would all be in japanese it was fucking awesome yeah

i don’t even know what they were saying but

what do we get

knocked out

would go crazy

screaming in japanese it was fucking awesome

i didn’t have to know what they were saying i love it

i loved everything

about part even the opening walk yeah

i thought it was

great i did like all the pageantry how the

other giant

screens the dude’s face on it and shit

i thought that was pretty i

think it’s fun

man it’s ridiculous they had pyrotechnics for a

while but then

joe hill de

oliveira got burnt

he got barbecued

during one of the pyrotechnics well that’s what the

cbs fight mma

tried to do

right really

yeah they had like live

music bands like kid rock

oh you know talking

about a bfc yeah that

was ridiculous

that was so

stupid yeah they had a band play a song

affliction did that

affliction yeah

was affliction

yeah of course

yeah those silly fucks they

had a band play a song in the middle of the fucking

fight like in the

in the middle of show was either the middle of show

were fights did

fights go on

and then the band i

think that’s what it was

in the beginning i

think that’s what it was in between

fights or something like that so dumb

you don’t want to mix that it’s like people have

asked me before it’s like

open up for bands like do comedy for you know we’re

gonna have like

four bands we like you to go on the middle do comedy

fuck it’s the

worst it doesn’t work like that man

nobody wants to see your comedy

when they’re in the groove

to see music

and nobody wants to see your

fucking band if they’re in the groove to see fights

you know it’s just like

you can’t stop a rock concert

put on a fight

you can’t do it it

wouldn’t be as good

you know you couldn’t have like

some fucking

awesome rolling

stones concert

and then stop it halfway through the middle

and have like an mma fight

people be like what is this this is bullshit what am i

watching totally

phone ring you only

it’s it’s better when you only have one

thing you know one

thing is good

these extravaganzas

well that’s why i hate doing like award shows

doing comedy on award shows

cause they have like all

these awards and little clips and then you do

stand up in the middle of it it’s like oh

the last time i did that was the guys choice award for

spike it was disastrous

it was terrible

nobody wanted to hear anybody’s comedy

it’s like the whole

thing was like they were sitting there for

three hours

watching some boring ass award show it’s like

they wanted to just

get the fuck out of there by the time i got on stage

did you hear

about the conan deal

yeah he’s gonna do tbs

right before

lopez that’s awesome

it’s good for him

you know why

both of them for both of them yeah and you know why i

think it’s good for him too is

because they’ll let him do whatever the fuck he wants

tbs what the

fuck exactly

tbs is gonna blow up now it’s

gonna blow up

and by the way kona’s already rich

right he made so much

money from that just leaving nbc

you know they give him like 35 million

bucks he can do whatever the fuck he wants now is

tbs the same company as spike

no i don’t think so

i don’t know

comedy central is

comedy central and

spike are that’s why my special

first air on

spike and then are on comedy

central right

and you can get my that dvds available now so go

by the amazon link

on your website yeah it’s on my way on joe rogan net

and it’s on

it was the number two on itunes

you know if it

still is yeah

robin williams what the fucks hilarious did you ever go

ahead of it beetle

i don’t know if i

would you have

but god how

could i don’t get that

i understand how some people

think some things

some things are funny

you know there’s some guys that i get that people

think they’re

funny but i don’t see it

but the robin williams

thing goes right

over my head

i just i go what are you

laughing at i have

never laughed at him once

maybe in a movie

you know like

when i was a

kid i loved something like

that when i was a kid i listened to stand up

because it was raunchy like he was talking about his

dick and i was like

seven years old

watching hbo

you know so that’s the only reason i ever liked him he

never did it for me

and then when i

heard he was a

giant thief

then he’s forever

tainted like

even if he says something

funny i’m watching

he says something

funny i’m like

where’d you get that from you

steal that from you fuck

you know so

speaking of

crazy celebrities did you hear

about steven seagal

steven seagal got arrested he did yes

that’s impossible he’s getting oh i’m

sorry he’s getting sued he didn’t get arrested

andy dick is

any dick got arrested yeah

did you hear

about that yeah

he walked into someone’s house

well he was also the day before he was

thrown out of a winery in

santa barbara

for being too drunk

how do you get thrown out of a winery

i blame dr drew

you blame dr drew

if you’re out there i blame you

why do you believe dr drew you have enabled

andy dick sir

he was on sober

house with dr drew oh

that’s okay

i don’t know

wasn’t dr drew

silverhouse was that it i don’t

think so whichever one

it is what is it celebrity rehab was he on that is that

one of them

he was on celebrity rehab i don’t

think something

i don’t know

he’s practicing

maybe dr drew’s dick

maybe i’m just a mad

there are you

how rude dr drew

we just kidding just kidding

just kidding

fucking celebrity rehab is

spectacular oh

it’s one of my favorite shows ever if you ever wanted

like motivation to not do drugs

watch tom sighs more on

twitter we have dude not even him what

about that chick that that

oh annoying

no other one

no yeah the

crazy sex addict

chick i swear to god she’s one of

those girls that they shouldn’t

even have her on the show because it’s just disgusting

to watch she’s pretty gross

i actually like the

ended up liking the girl from that day

what’s that she used to be on that old sitcom

that has the dog that died during the show

that wrote the book

about being molested

oh mackenzie phillips actually liked her

acting by the end

she’s a nice person yeah she’s cool

her whole stories are

horrific yeah it’s horrible if you don’t know the

story of mackenzie phillips dad

fucked her like her whole life

like she had a

sexual relationship with her dad

like her whole life

and her dad shot

her up with heroin or with cocaine when she was eleven

jesus christ

what ah eleven

and her dad shot her up with coke i mean the

whole thing is just

the the most horrific

thing you could ever possibly imagine that someone

would do this to

their kid and fuck

their kid their

whole life had a

sexual relationship with a kid

and to the point

where she told her

like hey we

could leave we

could go to

countries where this is totally acceptable

what country is he

gonna go to

what country is it acceptable to fuck your kids

right is there one out there no

that should be just death

jesus christ

that should be

death yeah well

speaking of

death the catholic religion is fighting

they’re trying to

impose a statue of

limitations on

sexual molestation cases

because right now there’s a

statue of limitations on

sexual molestation cases that’s like

i believe it’s like 30 years

so they’re trying to impose

they’re trying to make sure that that

sticks they

they want to make sure that

they don’t they don’t change it to no stature of

limitations because then

anytime someone has a case

right now if the case is more than

thirty years old

i think it’s

thirty years

pretty sure

the case is more than

thirty years old

uh you have to if you’re

gonna be a part of the case you have to be joining

with other people that are that are also

inside the case

so say if someone has a case that’s

twenty nine years old

and yours is

thirty the same priest fucked you

then you can join in if yours is old i see

but if yours

yeah is the

individual case you

they’re saying

they don’t want you to be able to sue

and people are saying no this is

crazy crazy

and meanwhile the the catholic church is urging people

to vote against this because they’re

saying that it’s an assault in the church how is

pedophiles how is

shielding pedophiles

with a statue of


how is that fucking helping the church

and how would getting rid of

any statue of

limitations that would

impose a timeline for when you can be prosecuted for

a horrible crime

against humanity

how could that be what god wants

that god wants you to

sick of it joe

you know joe

i was thinking

about today i just got in a huge

fight with my

sister i unfaced

booked oh your

sister let’s talk

about well you can’t talk

about that well i

can’t but i

could tell you about this

i unface booked her

and because i unface

booked her she’s

about to have a baby and she said that i

could no longer be an uncle

because i unfaced booked her

but there’s only two times you can’t be an

uncle anymore she’s not

allowing me

oh that’s hilarious but

this all stands

wanna be an

uncle to my daughter

huh sure oh you’re an

uncle now i am

uncle now so

you can’t steal

you can’t steal the

uncle he’s an uncle

so anyways there was

two times i’ve gotten into such a huge

fight with my

sister both of

these times

it rooted from religion

well you know what

man people want to believe that there’s some rules and

regulations to the world

because it makes them feel better and when you come

along and say that they’re not that they don’t exist

then it makes them we have to reevaluate their

whole life they fucking hate it and they get

angry at you

because you’re fucking up

their peace

fucking they’ve developed

a peace of mind

from the idea that you

know the god is

great god is good you do the

right things you’re

gonna go to heaven

like that helps them get through the day man yeah

and for a lot

of people it’s a nice simple box to put the world in

and when you go fuck it’s a fucking box look it’s a box

throw it away

they go fuck you

give me my box

right they want that box back man and it makes

sense it’s so the

real problem is when anybody tells you that they know

that’s when

it’s the problem game over game over game over man game

over man it’s fucking

fuck this man

you can’t tell me you know you know

no man you’re

not dead you’re not in heaven you’re not an

alien you’re not from the future

you don’t know shut the fuck up

you don’t know

fuck it all fuck religion fuck

fuck any ideologies

anybody telling you how you can live your life

you know what is good

when people offer advice

and people say this is what i’ve

learned from my mistakes and this is what i’ve

learned from my life

and this can possibly

benefit you if you come across the same situations

this is what i’ve learned

this has made my life easier this made my life better i

learned to be nicer to people i

learned to suck it up when this happens

i learned to look in the

mirror when you got problems i

learned to evaluate

and look at my own life objectively

before i start

pointing the finger to

other people

those are all

things that can help you

when you start talking

about you know you can’t

have pork and

all out this number

if a photo of muhammad

is available you must die

that guy keeps on getting threatened he’s

almost got killed

murdered the

other day which guy

the guy that

the cartoonist that drew muhammad

the other day he almost got

like it was like last week or something like that dude

people have been killed for that

people have been killed for drawing muhammad

why is trey parker and matt

stone not dead yet then did they draw muhammad

they had a whole episode

about muhammad

that’s a good question this guy just had a

stupid family

circus comic

when i went over to

abu dhabi i was thinking

i hope none of

these motherfuckers have a copy of

shiny happy

jihad i know

i was thinking that

too dude my fucking

see my last

cd not this one but the one before that was called

shiny happy jihad

they probably know that i have a copy of it

i’m gonna start giving them away

cause i just got a box of them right

dude your one cd is out of

print i still

think the idea

of this one

i had an idea he has this

old old cd dough

can’t do it

remix it no

remix it like

remix the bits into like

you know cause they’re all

lost bits yeah but they’re gone they

gotta go yeah that’s good

i need new shit

man gotta keep going

but this is

this was what i was

worried if you don’t not familiar with any of my comedy

it’s fucking

it’s called

shiny happy jihad

and it’s me

could you see that yeah it’s me

was the glare here

there we go

it’s me with fucking

tnt and it says g

on it i mean that’s

it’s probably one of my best cds i

think it’s my favorite

the last one is really good too the

last one’s a little headier this one’s a little sillier

i don’t know

it’s one of

my favorites but i was like god i hope none of

these motherfuckers have this

because like

half of the bits are

about suicide bombing

and fucking

making fun of osama bin laden

living in a cave i mean it’s a lot of

a lot of bang bang bang

she hugs there’s a lot of that in there

some guy remixed that jihad

and made a terrible song out of it i

still think you need to work on your new song that you

wrote in tempe i think that’s a great song

he has a song that’s in tempe

where was the arizona that was number one

all that song

yeah who do

yeah yeah well that song

yeah that song was really popular

voodoo pannanny

was like number one

for like yeah it was number one for like a couple of

months because these guys

tim and mark

in in phoenix

i love those guys yeah they

don’t work there anymore unfortunately they got fired

you probably don’t know them you’re

thinking of something else

no the ones that we filmed the original

dvd for like three years ago four years ago

was they there yeah i filmed something for it

well anyway these guys they

started playing it it’s this

song about pussy by voodoo pussy it’s called

voodoo punani

but you can play it on the radio

it’s pretty clean

it’s all about

any guy knows what this is all

about like there

are there are girl vaginas are not created equal

they’re just not

you know and

and sex is not

equal either you

you can have

sex with one person and it’s boring as fuck

and then you can have sex with another

chick and she’s just a goddamn freak and

every now and then you’ll come across a girl who’s a

freak and she’s got a

super pussy

and there are pussies that are

super pussies yeah

where you you get into

you like god damn

there was this one girl that i used to fuck and

literally her her

pussy was like it was like velvet

it was like something

going on in there it was like

it just gripped your dick it was and she wasn’t a

small girl she was tall

but her pussy was

super tight and always wet and it was

and she was a

just a total pervert

just a freak

and literally it was like a drug and

i used to call it voodoo

pussy i’m like this

bitch has got

voodoo pussy

so i had to

write a song

about voodoo pussy

so i wrote the song

voodoo punani

which is one my

nineteen ninety nine cd

which is called

i’m gonna be dead someday

so um you know

i thought about writing another song

i might write something else if i

found something

like the new one i thought

the new one is

new is pretty

funny i seen your girl butthole

we’re high one

night i just started singing that and it got

stuck in everybody’s head

and all night we’re just walking around going to

i seen your girl’s butthole

i can’t tell you what the subject why this came up

this is dude that we know was dating this girl

that does some things

where you might be able to see her butthole

like the whole world can see it

it’s funny so i like that guy he’s a

good guy he’s a good dude i like that dude

so you’ve been

using your hightab

what’s it called ipad a lot later yeah yeah yeah

definitely how was the battery life did you use it

phenomenal yeah

i used it the whole way i didn’t charge it once

i charged it

right before i left but i was reading like with it

every day like reading in bed and i

watch i was surfing the web on it

i was doing all sorts of shit on it man i have

a review i just did and i showed this new application

that lets you take your iphone and bluetooth

connects it to your ipad

it’s like a wireless webcam

i saw that and that’s just like a shitty

programming can you imagine if

apple releases

here’s my rumor what i

think it’s gonna be i just made this up last night

so they have

the new iphone that comes out in june they’re

going to announce

there’s all this

rumor saying it’s

going to have a

front facing

camera with i chat so you can do i chat live

video on your

phone so what i

think they’re waiting for that rumor

and they’re

going to release a bluetooth hd camera

that will snap on top of your i tab and do the same

thing so you can have like a little

wireless camera for it

why don’t they just have a camera

built inside of it we’ll have to pick some bluetooth

thing up that’s gay

because in the bluetooth

gonna run out of batteries and how’s it

gonna plug i’m

gonna have to charge it that’s

stupid well well there

should be an iphone

why can’t make a camera in there i

think they’re

gonna have i

think it’s gonna be like a 300

camera i think it’s

gonna be like 80

like high quality you’re just

making this up

oh no i am making this

all up this is

my room those

jesus this is my rumors

i was right

i think it’s

gonna go back in time

i think you can go back in time with a new

ipad and it’ll suck your dick

while you take a shit

well it’s awesome

that program

alone just kind of made me go you know what

something like this is coming that’s what’s

gonna happen eventually

eventually it’s

gonna be like

a portal to another dimension there’ll be a

mouth on the

other dimension you get a hard on

and you put the ipad

and your dick goes

right through the ipad to someone’s mouth

in another world

you not in another dimension

pull your ipad out

but some what if it

crashes halfway through your

dick is stuck in

fucking eleven

it just floating around

like you know

they have a special episode of oprah

winfrey guys who lost half

their dick into another dimension

maybe one do is like i only lost the tip

i was just about to put it in and we had a

power outage

was just about to put it in i

guess it was some sort of a

solar flare

so now i mean the

head the top my dick is flat it’s kind of a novelty

it just goes in like a beer can

he doesn’t have a head it

doesn’t have a

curve to it just big flat

yeah who knows what the fuck is coming up next man

there’s gonna be some

crazy shit though

it’s gonna it’s gonna keep going

they’re gonna keep inventing

more and more nutty shit and like i said before i

think that it’s all

it everything has to do with connectivity

everything has to do with

bringing people closer and closer together

that’s what this whole

tiger woods

thing is all

about that this

would not have happened 30 40 years ago

because there

wouldn’t be the kind of connectivity that people

have now with the internet the internet keeps extremely

worse man did you hear

what else just came out the

other day that

fucking oppa rimfree

oprah winfrey

yeah and jesse

james it’s just

gonna it’s just

jim carrey there was a good

whole article on this

whole thing

on gizmodo or gizmondo or whatever it’s called

commodo about celebrities

ruin their careers from twitter

and all that

stuff because

there’s too much information is getting out about

it and you know it’s crazy

that is a good

point because a lot of celebrities

really the illusion

is way better than who they are oh yeah you

know you get to know them

right you know

cause it is all a

trick you know

most of our

schwarzenegger is a

trick obviously well look you know how few

actors would ever want to do something like this fuck

yeah they did

like because look look at us there’s no makeup

we’re just fucking hanging out my office

look i’m a fucking

slob that’s on my shit

i’m cleaning out my office

this is my new desk is

behind me i bought this fucking desk a year ago and i

still have not set it up yet

desk and everything is on

right now it’s too big so this desk i’m getting rid of

i’m moving that desk into place

and that wall

is going to be

green screened

i like how you always buy

things and it’s always in plastic straw

like you have so many

things that you’ve

never even opened well i am what you

would be like if you were 12 years old and all of a

sudden you had

money yeah totally just gave you free

money you just buy

stupid shit

this i have this because

i think that

i think a lot of

things up in my car

and i don’t want to be fiddling around right time

push button i just want to push a button so i gotta

digital recorder

when i drive i come up do you

drive you come up with a lot of ideas when you

drive yeah yeah i do but you know what’s

funny is i we talked

about this last week to the

point where

i have to get my words out as

quick as possible

it happened to me like two days

after that i thought of this hilarious

thing about metallica people were talking

about metallica

i’m like oh

gotta get my iphone out

got my iphone out and somebody says hey

brian i’m like oh hey

fuck lost it

yep don’t even remember what it is i’ve been trying to

think about it all time it was so fucking

funny though i can’t even remember

yeah it’s when someone’s talking

to you and you have an idea you can totally lose it

like i’ll get

if an idea is awesome

i will cover my ears and run away from someone

and they’re like what the fuck is

wrong with you man you’re fucking rude

and then i have to come back explain to him i’m so

sorry i had an idea and it was

super important but for me

any idea like that is like

those are diamonds

right like there’s ideas that i’ve come up with

like you know that became bits you know that

those bits are so valuable to me

you know like like

like my anna nicole

smith bit or something like that like some of the

classic bits that i had in the past

what if as i was

thinking that up somebody came up and

started talking

about their

stupid bullshit right

because some people are

fucking brutal and they don’t take the hint right ever

like they just want to say what they have to say to you

you can’t say kill that

they’ll just keep talking

about hold on a

second dude stop

fuck i forgot fuck

you know what

i was watching the usc next to a guy

i just met was a friend of a friend

the whole fight he

sounded like a reporter from the 1920s talking to dick

tracy he was like so what do you

think about that huh

hey yeah so what do you

think about that so and

like he even talked like that he says

what do you

think about his legs huh i

think his legs are good huh

and i’m just like oh shut the fuck up

that’s the worst

i hate people like

i hate when people don’t have that that quality of

self evaluated

you know what i mean that just drives me

crazy when i

meet somebody that does that how important is that

uh it’s insane

we know a lot of people that don’t have that quality

yeah we know a lot

about people

most people don’t have that quality no

it’s a bad quality but

usually the people

it’s another

thing the people

don’t have that quality are usually not successful

and it’s one of the reasons why they’re not

successful is

there’s a disconnect

between them and

other people

other people do not see them the way

everybody else does

or them the

way rather they see themselves they see themselves like

completely distorted

and that’s why they

haven’t been successful

they’re not being objective because

objectivity requires pain

you know no one’s perfect okay

especially when you’re younger

if you’re not making mistakes

you’re not trying if you’re not trying you’re not

gonna get better at anything you do you’re

gonna fuck up you’re gonna make

horrible mistakes i mean

one of the reasons i got good at

stand up is because being bad at

stand up is so fucking painful

you know and the only way

you you got to find that out by getting in

front of people

and having them hate you

having them not

laugh and boom

well a lot of people don’t have an audience in

their life they don’t have anything to

evaluate themselves with

so they don’t

evaluate themselves

right so they

have this distorted perception of how cool they are

that’s with guys and drinking

that’s the most painful

the mouth drinking yeah

so drugs are the worst

and i’ve been

i admit it i’ve done it before

but i’ve also like the next day slapped my forehead

going okay next time i

drink i remember that i do that i need

you know i’ve

but there’s

some people it’s supposed to guys get really

close in your face

when they’re drunk oh

some dude did

that in abu dhabi he kept telling me that he was some

prince’s cousin

and broad this

and down and

man you come with me all the bitches man come on man

we’re gonna do business together you know

you and i gonna open up i like to get

the fuck away from me yeah you’re spitting in my ear

he’s like spitting

in my ear man

and tell me how we’re

gonna go into business together in dubai i’m like

get the fuck

out of here man no you’re not going into

business together

it’s called zanku chicken my mike

young used to do a joke

about that was one of my favorite mike young bits

about how everybody

who does coke wants to open up a business with you

because it’s totally true

when dudes do coke they always have business plans

they have all kinds of plans all kinds of plans

oh coke is the

worst drug in the

world it’s the

worst drug that’s ever been created

it is the number one retard drug

there’s no better

when you’re out and you’re surrounded by a

bunch of cokeheads and they’re just talking at you

the worst is

when you’re high and they’re coked up is there ever a

worse combination

now there’s no

worse combination than when you’re

stoned and you’re hanging around coke heads

because stone is like you’re

timid and you’re humble

you know when you

smoke pot you

start realizing like god i’m like this

fleshy little thing

you know like if there’s a lion in this room that lion

could just eat me there’s nothing i

could do about it

when you’re coked up you

never think

about a lion

right and if you do

you like the fucking lion to the line to suck my dick

great meth is the

worst to somebody

put meth on there also yeah i

agree with meth i wonder how many people yeah

robin williams was a coke addict

i wonder how many people

that i’ve been

around have been on meth and i didn’t know it

i bet a lot

we’re in la man

i think a lot half the people that we

think are fucking

crazy are just on meth yeah

a lot of people are methed up man that is

definitely true

a lot of people

that are like when you see people that are real

skinny and look

drawn out and they’re

fucking talking

wacky it’s something

what is it it’s some sort of amphetamines

whether it’s meth or

do you know that meth was invented during

world war one

and world war two the japanese used it for the

for suicide bombers

that’s how they talk to kamikazes into fucking crash

no way really into boats

yeah they would they

hook them up with meth nice

yeah that’s cool not only

the government has not only


with that i mean they’ve done the japanese government

gave them amphetamines

and crystal meth and shit like that

but also steroids

the united states government

has done that in the past like soldiers have told

been told that they have to take like certain

pills like you have to take things

and when you take them finance like

anabar which is

an oral steroid

makes you super

hyper aggressive

which totally makes sense yeah

and when guys are juiced up if guys are all juiced

up they’re fucking they feel like they’re invincible

your body is all

flooded with testosterone like gorillas must feel

completely invincible

you know when you

just fucking you know you’re living in the woods you’re

covered in hair you

weigh 800 pounds

they don’t worry

about shit they

could totally beat a

fighter by the way gorillas

versus a person oh

crush a person

no i mean a person

would beat a gorilla oh beat a gorilla

arguing with eddie

eddie was trying to make some

crazy argument that there’s

people that

could beat a chimp in a fight

i’m like you’re out of your

way what the fuck the chimp

would just bite your fingers off

that’s the first

thing he would do

now try fighting

stupid oh you’re

punching him in the head good

he’s grabbing

and eating your fingers

so once all of your fingers are gone

then he’s gonna look at you and go now what

bitch now i’m

gonna eat your asshole

and he’ll dive onto your asshole

and claws wait till he gets

close to your butthole

and you’ll be

fighting them off but he’s

gonna keep getting in there i thought

eddie was joking the

whole time but i don’t

think he was that’s

drunk eddie

drunk eddie’s

you know drunk eddie

drunk is he

drunk yeah he was

drunk yeah he’s

three drinks in

three drinks in is

drunk eddie

once he poured that jack daniels is

the lights went out in georgia

fucking drum

start playing the indian came out yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah

so what brock

would destroy gorilla

could you imagine what a gorilla

would do to brock

lester you know

just come charging and bang

just run across them even brock

knows he can’t fucking beat a girl

you ever seen a gorilla rush a person

it’s so goddamn terrifying

they rush you and they hope that you’re just

gonna back off and get away they just want to

claim your territory

but if you do turn and run

they might just

freak out just

chase you and beat the fuck out of you

so you have to turn away

and yeah but you have to

stand down but you can’t look like prey

dude chimps chimps and gorillas and

they are so

strong we couldn’t even imagine

you couldn’t even wrap your head around what they

could do to you

they could literally

grab you by the arm and

throw you throw you

they would pull your arm literally

right off your body

there’s no problem a pit bull

could kill most people

fuck yeah dude

but i have frank that’s a pit bull that’s a dog

you remember

frank when i had

frank i always used to

think that if this dog wanted to he

could kill me right

you could kill anything

this fucking 90

pound pit bull with this big fire argent head

if he wanted to

he would kill me

you know he

doesn’t know that that’s why you know i have the food

that’s why i

like being around animals that can’t kill me

that i can only love

yeah like little kitty cats

little kitty cats

so what do you

think about the steven seagal

thing steven seagal

got arrested

or didn’t get arrested he’s getting sued

what’s a fun

story right here because what happened was

apparently he had some

chick that was working for him

and she was his

she was his

he’s sued for trafficking

women and sexual assault


women the woman was a former

model and she was hired by the actor as his

executive assistant last february

this is on tmz so you know it’s real

mr seagal had been keeping two

young female russian attendance

on staff who were available

for his sexual desires

twenty four

hours a day

seven days a week

so apparently

one of the assistance

quit and seagal

apparently only rolls with threesomes

so he made his

he made his assistant

starts off his deck

he’s like i need more than one

he had two hookers that were working for him

twenty four seven

and one of them probably met some rich dude somewhere

and got a better job the fuck is

cigar haven’t that much

money got a

tv show now

yeah but that’s not

shit he’s done a lot of oil

he’s making

money off that show

he means the star

i guarantee he makes a few

hundred thousand dollars a year for sure off that show

maybe half a million

maybe more because he’s a big star he

might make a million a year off that show they

might have given him a big deal he

might make more than a million a year

so he’s got that

okay then he’s got

how many movies did he do he did a lot of goddamn

movies he got divorced in nineteen ninety six

so everything from nineteen ninety six

until now it’s all his money

i bet he’s got a lot of

money i bet he’s got a

ton of money is money

doesn’t seem

smart with his

money seems like it’s been all his

money on ponytail juice

ponytail juice

ponytail juice

what does that even mean

conditioner how much is conditioner

he’s got good conditioner

he’s um i mean he’s he’s a

still a big star in

those like foreign

movies like straight to

video dvd sales because

you can still sell a steven seagal

movie you know you make it for cheap

money and you sell it fairly

cheap and then you know

they air it on cable at

three o’clock in the morning

and they sell them on dvds you know

there’s still some

money in that but

well when i said was out

when i was in

abu dhabi when you go to dubai

dubai’s flooded with hookers

there’s hookers there

with russian hookers

so apparently there’s a lot of them

so it’s not

outside the realm of possibility that some actor

we just hired two of them

like to be on call 24 7 right

i think it’s

mean look if that’s how you want to roll i

think that’s a pimp move

i mean the dude’s not even fucking married

right you can’t really criticize it

i mean you can criticize the fact that he’s uh

you know he’s hiring prostitutes

but let’s be honest

what the fuck is

you know a lot of rich guys wives

what are they

you know are they really attracted to him is i mean is

tiger woods wife is she really

think he’s hot

you know or

she think he’s hot

because he’s rich

you know how many of them

think he’s hot because he’s rich

how many super

goofy looking dudes that are

multi billionaires who have these

model wives he’s

super fucking hot

wives what’s

going on there

yeah you know donald

trump you ever see donald

trump’s wife

hot as fuck

yeah he’s a

powerful man of all that good

stuff and they’re attracted to that and security

and all that good stuff

but at the end of the day he’s rich

they’re hot he’s ugly what’s

going on there

i mean there’s a form of prostitution

it really is

i mean what’s the

sexual prostitution is

the whole difference is

that in sexual prostitution apparently

the idea is that it’s not good because there’s no love

there’s no real emotions no relationship

you know it’s just

sex for money

but like what if you like date a girl

and you actually

enjoy her company and you draw her time

and you like her

and you say listen

you have a shitty

job and i have a lot of

money how about you quit your job and i pay you

1 000 a week and this is what you

have to do you just have to suck my dick anytime i want

i mean you already like to do it anyway right

but let’s just make it sort of a job

okay and you’ll get a check

every week but i don’t want to hear any argument from i

think that would be cool for like a year

but i think

after that i don’t know man it’s just

i can see myself doing that if i had a lot of money but

women would

think that it’s demoralizing and it

would be the

exact opposite of

you know why pay for the cow when the milk is free it

would be the

exact opposite it

would be like look i know i’m getting free milk but i

would rather pay for the cow and have that fucking

cow give me milk anytime i want with no argument

right i don’t want to

get up at four in the morning go to milk you when you

start complaining

listen i’m gonna pay you right now

and this is what happens

our relationship now is we’re

still friends i

still love you we’re boyfriend

girlfriend but

i do whatever i want

and you suck my dick whenever i ask

i think is that prostitute

yeah is that illegal

yeah no it’s

is that illegal i

wouldn’t say it’s illegal but i

would say that’s not

but it is illegal

if you say it is it

is put on your tax forms i’m you know

brian reicles paid hooker

you you go to jail yeah it’s illegal

yeah say if you had a chick

you have to do it

right you know you

would have to

write it out yeah but i mean look

if you had a girl and she was a

multi millionaire and

say if you were a carpenter okay

and you know this is your you know

you you met her and you used to do some shit around her

house when you

first started dating her

and you know you do a little carpentry

here and there be did it for free because you loved her

and then all of a

sudden she said listen

you don’t like your job why don’t you just come for me

work for me you’ll be my carpenter

and you just do whatever i want to do whatever

you want but the only difference is now i pay you

what is the difference

between that and sucking your dick

there’s very very little difference

right if you have a chick

and she’s working for you

and she just

gets paid to blow you but she used to blow you for free

but now she blows you

cause it’s her job

cause you pay her

right is that bad

no especially if you make her letters yes it is

especially if you let

her make her

dress up in outfits no i’m not

gonna be a whore

for you you fucking cheap

you’re only

gonna be my only whore

i only have one it’s only you

and i don’t fuck any

other girl i

would hate i

would hate that i

would hate that

i would hate that what

would you hate

i you know cause i

think the the purpose

i don’t know my purpose is always finding somebody that

would wanna fuck me that much without any questions

asked and that i

would wanna fuck that person

i think this

chick likes my logic

eve pull she likes the logic

that’s a dude sexuality has been immoral

yeah it might be a dude

right yeah sexuality

has been a more or

less you know

i went to whack off last night

um it’s like

this hand yeah

it was like

two o’clock in the morning my wife is

super pregnant

right now and i can’t fuck her do it on her

belly i mean i do if she asks but i don’t i want to

impose myself on her i feel rude

i mean she’s all pregnant like she’s ready to pop

and so anyway

i’m making excuses for i beat off i beat off what are

you talking about

but that’s the reality of it i really do feel bad

anyway i go online to go

look at some porn and um

everything on one of my favorite sites is all fucking

spitting in the

mouth and gagging

and girls getting

their faces fucked with it like halfway

throwing up

and eight tears

yeah tears are coming out of their eyes

and the guy

smack it on the face with his dick

and he said you looked at

you like you

like fuck my face

fuck my face

he’s like fuck

like spit and slobber

she’s coughing and spits coming out

and i’m like okay i don’t like this

this is not fun

and then in the same

the same series like there was another

girl or the same girl rather you know they have like a

bunch of videos by this girl

the sasha gray who was the girl

another one

these guys are just violently fucking her ass

and then shoving it in her

mouth and violently fucking around

and i’m looking at this and i’m like what is going on

like who is liking all this

like mad dog

porn it’s like you got a mad dog bitches in porn there

nobody just fucks anymore

used to be you know a guy

orders a pizza

and the chick shows up delivering the

pizza and she needs to get

changed hate

that she drops a dollar and she picks it up

and the guy says nice the girl says you

think so we see the

whole thing

then she pulls her

pants down next

thing you know they’re boning

that’s the good old days that’s fun

that’s good times

what is this

mouth fucking

tears rolling down people’s face spitting in people’s

mouths two dicks and assholes like you

know what’s hilarious is that i’ve

never seen a porn website

where it’s just like

it’s people making love

like you know it’s like them

going on a date

you know just being passionate and

stuff like that yeah there’s no

kissing there’s

no teasing it’s all just fuck my ass oh yeah

one girl had two

guys fucking her asshole

one guy was on top he was squatting on top and the

other guy was laying on his back and his dick was in

and the other guy was in and

it’s like that joke that i say

about like you’re not even having sex with a

woman at that

point you just

using her vagina

as a container so that you

could rub dicks

that is really what they were doing they’re like

they’re two dicks

her butthole

was a holder

for dicks and they’re rubbing dicks

while they’re

plowing this girl’s asshole

i mean think

about two dicks even like two average

sized dicks

that’s stretching

your butthole out to like that big that’s ridiculous

who wants to see that

and then the

other guy spit in her

mouth and they’re fucking her

mouth i’m like

jesus weird

sasha gray gets

smacked in the face a lot to just smack

see i’m done

with all that kind of i just like

i like homemade

stuff i think we’ve talked

about yeah yeah you like

you like thinking

that that’s really you and this girl’s really blowing

you or it’s

just real like i want to see people having real sex

because they’re really attracted to each

other yeah they’re having real orgasms

they’re really moaning because they’re moaning

yeah there’s

definitely something to that man

paying for it

you know apparently

the porn business is

rough now because of the fact that all the shits online

it’s very difficult to like get

money for porn

so these girls get tricked

it’s just like you know how you hear

about the workers in dubai

where they enticed them

to come to dubai by saying you’re

gonna get all this money

they take them from indian

third world

countries and they

basically say you’re gonna make

x amount of dollars per

month you’ll be able to send

money back home to your family everybody’s

gonna be happy

we just you know just get come out here and you

gotta get a passport and pay for this and pay for that

so they do all this they get out there

and then once they get out there they take

their passport and they give them a fraction of the

money well what

these girls do is they recruit

these girls and say listen it’s just

gonna be you

and the guy you’ll get to pick the guy

it’ll be so hot no big deal no one’s

gonna see it we’ll pay you

1500 bucks and for a

chick who’s fucking

broke and desperate

and probably

you know not the best

thinker in the

world anyway

she’s not making the best decisions with her life

you know and some guy offers her

1500 bucks to fuck some cute guy she’s like whatever

alright i’ll do it fuck it who cares who’s gonna know

who’s gonna know

she figures i’m just

gonna go there

i’m gonna take care

i’m gonna keep them from repossessing my car

i’m gonna you know

pay my rent off

you know and i’ll have a couple hundred

bucks left over all

right let’s do it

so she gets there and there was a

whole series

about this on

television that

they made her do double anal

once she got there they said no we don’t

want regular sex like this is this is what happens

two guys have to fuck your asshole

and we’ll give you fifteen hundred bucks

otherwise we don’t have work for you all

right no condom

you know so she went up getting hiv

i yeah yeah yeah

so she does

one film she comes from like nebraska she does one film

they make her do double anal

two fucking pigs nut inside her asshole

who have probably fucked a hundred

chicks that day

you know that’s

crazy yeah and they give her hiv they’re probably

shooting heroin up in the bathroom together

sucking each

other’s cocks to get them hard

and they stuff it in her asshole

by the way i wanted to mention something you talked

about last week in your

secret podcast that

i wanted to tell you that no

brokeback mountain was a huge success

yeah i didn’t know that yeah

yeah i think as a comedy right

no no i mean

money wise yeah but as a comedy

oh yeah yeah i

think it was more i mean

no people enjoyed it

now people there was a lot of people it was sad

i’ll be honest at the end of

brokeback mountain when the guy

found out the

other guy was beaten to

death it was sad

i never saw it i would

never watch

that you won’t

watch that hmm

watch just watch it and

video put like little kittens

over the guys

faces they’re kissing

just like you always do

you know there’s some shit that i won’t

watch but i won’t

watch any more beheadings there’s a new behead

online we seen the new one

i watched it for a

second and they

started cutting the dude’s head off and i said all

right what the fuck am i doing why am i

watching this

i’m done with that yeah yeah

there’s no need to be

watching that

shit i never even

watched that iraq

shooting thing either

oh that’s really the

thing i wanted to talk

about is fake kung fu

yeah you need to

bring that and

watch that rack

shooting no you need to

bring that back though yeah

i need to write it out with what i need to do yeah

i don’t even remember how i did it i’ll just redo it

but the the iraq shooting

thing you didn’t

watch the i don’t have one

we was talking

about collateral murder

which is we talked

about this before it was a

they mistakenly thought that these

reporters and

civilians in

iraq were insurgents and they killed them it’s all

gun camera footage and it’s very disturbing

it’s disturbing

how much they’re into it

it’s disturbing how

easy it is to just

think that anybody’s your

enemy when you’re over there in the fucking

ward and the

chaos you know

it’s scary shit man

it’s scary shit that we’re there in the first

place but it’s really

scary shit to

think that people

could just be walking with cameras

and they mistake

those cameras for guns just from the sky

with apache


just fucking

light em up with 50 cannon

i’m done with

caliber guns

i’m done with that shit and anything that’s

based off three

minute in a baby

three guys in a hammer

any of india

is that what it’s

based on i don’t know

maybe two girls in a cup two

girls in a cup yeah you know

no you’re right man you know

the problem is the internet really

can not only desensitize you but really change your

world there’s

three hundred million fucking people

in this country that is an insane amount of people

and if you think

about like every

story that you hear

about some priest

who’s fucking kids

or some serial killer who’s

killing women or

they’re all horrible and terrible but the reality is

most people are pretty cool

there’s 300 million of us

there’s so much information that

literally you find out

every single fucking

story anytime that anything goes down

that’s never been the case

in the 1950s

you had to be ed gein

you had to be

you know wearing

women as fucking

dresses you

gotta be cutting them up and putting

their skin on

they had a font you

gotta make the

front fucking page

of the new york times like

every day for a week

for everyone

to know who you are and everyone to know your

story the ted

bundy case that’s another example the

night stalker

they couldn’t

catch this guy and they don’t know what he’s doing

the zodiac killer they

never caught him

those stories

that’s the only way

those stories became

here they had to be so catastrophically fucked up

but now we hear

about all of them we hear

about every two

teachers this week got arrested for fucking kids

two teachers two different

teachers both

pretty decent looking

chicks one of them was fucking a sixteen year old

wow she got arrested for a sixteen year old

how the fuck can you arrest a

chick for fucking a sixteen year old did you

nice it happened to me though you know when i was a kid

three of our

teachers had sex one was a guy and two were girls and

when i was in high school

my spanish teacher

fucked one of my friends

a female friend of mine

you know what the funniest

thing is i remember my science teacher

sixth grade

i had a book

underneath my desk i was reading the book

while she was teaching

and she goes

brian you have two heads only one can read

and i’m like

huh okay whatever that means

but now i look back at

him like oh my gosh he’s talking

about my dick head

i’m like i’m in sixth

grade what the fuck is that shit that’s

crazy miss singleton

columbus ohio

you fucking whore

what are you 12

how old were you then 12 6th

grade something like that 6th

grade is like 12

right miss singleton now

and then mr phillips you were my gym

teacher you fucked

half my friends really yeah and he got arrested the gym

teacher fucked half your friends yeah and then i saw

girls mostly boys

what and then i saw

moving closer

moving closer for those

and then what was

weird wait a

minute wait a

minute tell the

whole goddamn

story when you’re in

elementary what’s his name mr phillips and he’s in jail

no no check this out he

was everyone was always talking

about it in elementary

school like oh

don’t let mr phillips

you know get near you he fucked

so and so he fucked so and so before he even got caught

this was going on yeah

before and there was times

where like he

would come up behind you and

spanking on the button like oh you just got

cuts oh so he was fucking a

bunch of kids before we ever got we all knew

about it he

never got caught

how did he not get caught

i don’t know and then one day he got caught and then

there was like this one kid that we thought it

was like the one that squealed or something like that

and then he was just gone

was just gone

and it was so

weird it’s like

i don’t know like five years

later i was working at toys r

us and he came in with like a

whole family

and you just like wanted

to say hey you fucked my friends what’s up mr phillips

he came into toys r us yeah

with his family with his family kids and family and

i just wanted to be like

hey you know your husband

how did he not go to jail

i don’t know whatever happened like i

barely remember

seeing it in the

papers and stuff like that but he got

even if he went to jail he got out yeah

yeah and so he fucked how many kids do you

think i would say there was

three that i thought for sure

three that you thought for

sure i don’t want to say

but everybody talked

about it oh yeah

all of us knew

about it it was like a joke growing up even we

would like other

teachers knew like

the word like we call them mr

fill me up phillips you know

fill up yeah

oh no brookside

brookside elementary

school how old were you guys

elementary school i remember it was like

fifth grade

maybe sixth grade oh

so you like 11

10 something

like that your

teacher was fucking 10 year

old boys in the ass yeah

and then we had a

study hall monitor

oh my god then we had a study

hall monitor

named mrs hughes

that used to just fuck everybody too

but she was hot she was hot i was like

i was mad cause i

wouldn’t fuck her how old

was this middle

school was like eighth

grade seventh

grade and she was fucking eighth graders

yeah yeah and i remember i was pissed because

i was like jealous of the

other guys who i fucked her

i’m like i wanna fuck that girl

i’m like saving up my lunch

money you know and

stuff it’s really

funny how that works isn’t it you know like

before the internet man shit like that

would happen and nobody would hear about it

right you know it had to be like

they could fire the person

and stop the scandal before it ever hit the

school and no big deal

but nowadays

just throw it up in their face i can facebook

yo i got fucked in the ass by mr phillips

he’s a photo in

video oh yeah yeah you take fucking

video and photo while it’s happening if someone’s

crazy enough to let you you know for a teacher who’s

crazy enough to fuck you she’s crazy enough to film it

while she’s fucking you

right you know that bitch

crazy i’m 35

person asking

oh yeah that’s a

that’s a crazy goddamn story

i didn’t i never got molested by kid but i came to

close twice

on two separate occasions i almost got molested

one when i was eight years old i was at the library

and i still like monster books

i just like reading like dracula and frankenstein shit

and so i’m in this

library section and i’m reading all

these books i’m looking looking for these books

and this guy says do you like

books on monsters

and i said yeah that’s my favorite i’m like

fucking eight years old

right i don’t know that there’s bad people yet i

haven’t really figured that out right

and the guy says

i’ve got a bunch of monster books out in my car

oh no i said wow

really he goes yeah come on with me i’ll show you some

monster books i go

oh okay that’s why i hate

monsters right i

start leaving

i still love

monster movies man

i start leaving and

as i’m walking

out the door with this guy the fucking librarian

starts screaming

she goes joseph

joseph you get over

cause she knew me

cause i’d go to the library all the time

she’s like joseph get over here get over here

that man just got out of jail

and so the guy runs the guy what he

runs towards the gorge

because i’m

gonna call the police

and so i run

over to the library and i’m fucking crying and

freaking out

the crazy thing is

my mom doesn’t

even remember this really yeah my mom’s kind of a


and when it comes to that like my

childhood like i can’t believe she

doesn’t remember this i don’t remember that like

how the fuck do you not remember the most

horrific moment of my childhood

well i feel like if that librarian

wasn’t there at

that moment

if i didn’t have a relationship with her

where i talked to her

every time i was there she looked

after me because she was a nice lady

if that didn’t happen if there was

she was some absent

minded person or just wasn’t looking or didn’t know

and didn’t know who i was or who that guy was

i would have got fucked in the ass

for sure i might have got killed

i might have got killed

because if this guy just got out of jail

he’s probably

tired of tattletale and kids

and their bullshit you know

cause they probably

would have fucked me too

you know that company that has that thing that

old people wear to like help i fall

and i can’t

get up they

should make that for

kids like help i’m getting fucked and i can’t draw they

should but kids are fucking

liars man i’m getting fucked

right now i

dismissed you

you didn’t care about me

yeah that’s like

should be a teams and

yeah that should be attached like boy

scouts or something like boy

scouts will come rescue you and say police

boy scouts will fuck you

quick yeah buddy

they’d be the

first one on the

scene yeah nobody

let me see was he fucking you like this

what’s got some fucking just

because you lied

about it yeah

well yeah you you like dictionary

yeah maybe there

would be like a little camera and

microphone so that cock

would be like

oh you are getting fucked we’ll send somebody

right over no i think gps

tracking is a good idea

kids yeah but i mean that’s like the

slippery slope

the problem is you put a chip in your kids so you

could find out

where they are well they already have

those phones you know this yeah the phone

yeah they have

those yeah but phones is

big difference between

phones and a chip in your skin i mean like a dog like a

dog is a chip

right you know so i can

if he gets go i

think it’s only if he goes to the vet

if they pick them up at the

pound the pound

could scan them

and the chip has like a number to call yeah

but you know there’s people that want to put like gps

chips in their kids so they

could follow their kids

that’s the that’s retarded

it isn’t it

isn’t though man if your kids missing it’s not retarded

but the slippery

slope is who else is following you the

government anybody else


like helicopters

you always hear about

dudes who like attached gps to

their their

chicks car because they’re

stalking them oh yeah yeah next

yeah they follow them they follow them around

yeah i mean

you know it’s a

slippery slope

because the

connectivity is


it’s unavoidable that eventually there will be no

secrets i really

bleed and we’ve talked

about this before

i think that

eventually we’re

going to be able to read each

other’s minds

we’re going to be able to access all the information

in the whole

world not just on your

phone not just through a computer interface but

you’re gonna be able to

neurally access all this shit and that includes

other people’s thoughts

you’re gonna have to

share your thoughts into the wave

it sounds completely

ridiculous it

sounds like

total stoner talk

but i don’t

think it sounds nearly as

ridiculous as the

things we already have like the fucking

large hadron collider or cell phones or

the ability to talk to somebody on the

other side of the world

that’s just as

ridiculous to me i mean it’s all

ridiculous sending

pictures through the air

high speed video you can download

you know i mean i got wifi

i sit on my laptop i

could download like the ipad

you download a

movie in a couple minutes you can stream it

stream a movie live

what the fuck

you just go to netflix

pick a movie

and high definition

load it up it plays

there it is there’s the

movie you’re getting it from the ether

you’re getting a fucking full movie

you put your headphones on it’s in stereo

and you’re getting it from the sky

that’s insanity

and that is

just the beginning it’s

going to happen

if you look at the

trend the number one trend is

connectivity and

the instant access to information or the more

quicker access to information or

more access to information that’s the

trend it’s like

you know used to be libraries

and then you know then it was the internet

and now it’s the internet on your

phone and then what else is next what’s

gonna come next it’s

gonna be quicker

easier faster more information

like that search engine

where you can

just ask it questions and it comes up with the answer

what is that

search engine

called yeah bang

no there’s a new one

that they’re working on i’ll find it on here i got it i

saved it on

evernote but they called it the google killer

nah no it’s

gonna be the best

we are talking about

but the visual

search is i

think what’s

gonna be big visual

search yeah

where you just take a

picture of something and it will google

search what it is

everything about it you

know so like if you see like a

i don’t know if you see like a

tennis shoe on the ground you

could take a picture of it it’ll tell you what

model of tennis shoe

that is you know

where it’s sold how much it is you know yeah this is

yeah yeah no i think you’re right yeah that that

that wolfram

alpha is the new thing w o l

f r a m alpha

and what it is is this

thing that these guys have been putting together for a

while it’s not totally done yet

but the idea is that this is

gonna be able to answer any question you have

and that you know i mean that really is the future

that they’ll take the data the entire database

of science the entire database of archaeology history

everything else mathematics

and literally put it into

some sort of a

search engine

where you’ll be able to ask the question

you know what year was the first car invented

what year was the first combustion engine created

you know when did they figure out that you

could turn oil

you know from the

ground into gasoline how did they do it who was the guy

that shit’s all

gonna happen man

you’re gonna be able to get any

any answer to any question

you literally

never have to go to

school again

i can’t wait to the

part where i can go through my old

photos from when i was like five years old

hold it up to my webcam they go here’s

their facebook they now do this they look at this

because there are so many people that i

lost touch with

and i don’t know their name

babies what if it’s a baby oh you can totally do you’re

gonna totally be able to do that to totally just 100

how the baby grows up 100

10 years or less

100 yeah i think you’re probably right

wow what’s your fucking question this guy

ned carlsman

sia is a homo and needs to send his fans to space

with the other

monkeys all

right buddy

settle the fuck down

settle down you freak

what is this guy saying you hate mensia for

stealing jokes but you

stole that t rex joke hypocrite

i didn’t sell

steal shit t rex joke

someone said that there’s another guy was a joke

about t rex not being able

to jerk off

listen wow how obvious is this that he can’t jerk

off not the greatest

connection in the world

but when you have

small arms and you can’t grab your own dick

you know anybody could come up with that conclusion

but what i had it in is a whole

series of things

about masturbation how masturbation is evolutionary

and my joke was that’s why the

t rex didn’t evolve because he couldn’t jerk off

hundred percent my own okay

and there’s a

thing called parallel thinking

the difference between me and a guy like

man see or most comics and god

man see is most comics like david tell is famous for

he comes up with a joke he’ll call like a

bunch of people and say hey have you ever

heard this before have

you ever heard this before

because sometimes guys come up with jokes

and even though you came up with it on your own

you don’t know

whether or not anybody else has come up with it before

it’s very possible it’s called parallel

thinking but

the difference between

that and a guy like monsea or

robin williams or any of

these other

guys that have been accused doing it over and over

again is there so many fucking

pieces of evidence

so many times people have said it

so many people know

bits that they’ve ripped off and like with a guy like

robin williams

they used to have it set up

where there was special

lights when he

would come to the room people

would flash

lights to make sure that the comics

on stage knew that he was in the room

when i was in boston

at the catch rising star in cambridge

robin williams

came and i’d remember this because i was really raw

i was like an open mic i’d only been doing comedy like

not even a year

you got a piss

and robin williams

came into the club

and there was all these

comics that were like

big name boston comics

i think one of them was

you know what

i don’t want to say names because i’m just i’m just

guessing but there was a bunch of

boston headliners in the room and none of them

would go on

stage they wouldn’t go on

stage because they knew

that he was in there and that if they did a good bit

on that stage

and they were

local guys there were

local headliners but they were just local guys

and this is before the internet this is before anything

he would just go on the tonight show

the next night

do their bit and that bit was dead they could

never do it

again so it was a totally different era back then but

there’s parallel

thinking there’s

things that

i’ve thought of before there’s

things that

other people have thought

of before that i’ve already done like i’ve had friends

you know do a bit

and you know

there i know they didn’t

steal it from

me but i have to tell him like hey that’s on my

first album like

this the same

exact sort of

connection that you just made

bobby slaton and i who

bobby is a buddy of mine

but we both had a joke

i mean it’s the same connection

about blow jobs it was mine was on my 1999 cd

i don’t know when his was

but he said to me like wow we have like a similar joke

and the joke was

about blow jobs that blow jobs are a job

that’s why it implies like jerking off

see my joke was that jerking off

sounds like it’s no big deal

that’s like you just

you know you just quit at any

minute like what are you doing eh

i was just jerking off like no big deal you

wanna eat i’ll just stop

but a blow job

sounds like

there’s much more commitment like it’s a job like

it implies a work ethic

but that like jerking off

is way more

commitment involved in jerking off than blowjobs

because chicks will quit

blowjobs all the time girls will quit

their mouth gets

tired they don’t want to do it anymore

but no dude quits

while jerking off and

you know what i mean it’s true you

fucking finish that thing

i have had like a half hard dick

and be like holding my breath and

squeezing my

balls trying to do anything to figure out a way to just

get it over with

and then once

you’d come you just feel so goddamn pathetic

but there’s a lot of commitment involved in jerking off

for whatever

reason like that shit wants to get out of your body

but i never for a

second thought that bobby

stole the bit

and he didn’t

think that i

stole the bit it’s kind of obvious blow job

it’s not the most clever connection

between it being a job

you know i mean it’s

right there

to the fucking name

the problem with i have is like when

like that t rex

thing that’s just something that there’s a cartoon

online that i saw

after the fact that

like toy story they

they had jokes

about you know that i mean that’s

the dumbest it’s just obvious

my no it’s not

trolling it’s probably just stupid

or he’s just

young and he

doesn’t know

i mean it’s look you know people

people have questions

about the way

comedy works and whenever someone is so outspoken about

plagiarism like i have been and you have been

with that whole messia

thing you know

not like we set out

to do that not like we set out to be the guys that are

speaking up

against comedy plagiarism but

let me tell you how many fucking comedians were happy

that that happened

i mean i can’t

tell i just got a text message from christopher

titus today


titus is a friend of mine

just sent me a text today

and christopher is a very

funny comic

and he sent me

a text today

saying that

he says hey man you were on npr

today they played the

whole carlos thing

and had two lawyers on talking

about how convenience

protect our material

great job changing the

world keep the flow that’s awesome

i need to get a copy of that yeah

this is a comic show

and it’s not just him i mean

louis c k said the same

thing you know

brian post a

came up and hug me and said

thank god for you joe rogan i mean i can’t

talk glass came up to me and said it was the

greatest thing he’d ever seen his life like

i can’t tell you how many

comics have said this like

we had a real

problem for a long time and the real problem is

that these networks can make

money from guys

stealing if guys are good performers and they wind up

stealing people shit they can make a lot of

money and for

comics literally

it takes a long ass time to create a bit

like a bit like

my bit about the

tigers killing the kid at the zoo in

san francisco the one that made it onto my last special

that bit took a long time to get

right there was a lot of shit involved

it like it went back and forth it changed it

morphed it got bigger got smaller

it took a long time before

i came up with the version that got onto television

it was a lot of work

somebody could have easily come in

jacked my idea

jacked my premise jacked the

whole way i

structured it set it up

and just taken it for

their own and

literally it’s

stealing they put it on

television and now i can’t do it anymore

because now if i do it you

know like when menensei

steals stuff he

steals it like word for word

you know often times

so like these poor fucks like

their bits gone

it’s like it’s

they got stole

they got stolen

somebody took their shit

that’s been

a gigantic problem for us you know we didn’t set out

to be the ones to

to try to put a fork in that and stop it

but something had to happen

and it did and it just so happens that it was us

it’s just just

synchronicity just the way the

world works you know

but um i can

understand why someone

would want to like

scrutinize me

extra carefully because of that i mean it only makes

sense yeah put red band’s balls to your

mouth please

you know what that is

a fucking rude rude request dude

there’s this

comic named

brian jarvis i don’t know if you ever heard him

he has the best

thing joke ever what he

for some reason

comics all like to show

their dicks to each

other but he has this

thing where you’ll put his dick

coming out of the top of his

pants like right here so just his head

sticking out

and you’ll be like dude i fucking slammed my

belly button in my door look at it and you’re like

belly button door and you look at it and you’re like

whoa wait that’s your dick

that’s what dudes do all the time

i love that shit i mean i hate that shit but i love how

everyone’s comics are so committed to showing

their dicks

that’s hilarious

that’s hilarious

did george lopez steal a bit from

re no i don’t think he did i think the

thing that happened with the george lopez thing

was that it was a pretty obvious bit

the thing with the re bit

thing about the wall that’s a fucking obvious joke man

and these dudes who do like mexican material you know

and illegal alien material like lopez like his act is

very funny but

a lot of his latino

stuff and that’s the kind of

thing i mean he’s gonna think like that

george has never been accused of being a

thief before that not that i’m aware of

but he’s not a thief

that’s just an obvious joke there was like five

comics that did that joke but the monsea

thing mensia

not only did ari open for him

and do that bit and

he saw it and commented on how he thought it was funny

but that dumb fuck

did the same mannerisms that are

yeah like when

the whole excuse me

that’s how are

he does it and he’s so dumb he does it the

exact same way

in our video he even like said

he never opened up for me and then like

three seconds

later he what

what oh you forgot he was

he just lies throughout that

whole video

he lies about

everything he

still sometimes

says he’s mexican why are we talking about mscf

yeah there’s no need

to talk about it

poor guy but some poor guy

but some people

still get uh

still get caught up in it you know look there’s

there is there’s always

gonna be retards

there’s always

gonna be dumb fucking always

gonna be joke these

there’s always gonna be

everything man there’s

there’s always there’s always

gonna be people who

enjoy stupid shit

there’s always

gonna be people who i

think mancy

is hilarious and i suck that’s that’s all good man it’s

a fucking big

world you know

like what you like

who gives a fuck son

well you know what we’re at five minutes and 13

seconds which means we just

ate through two

hours so that’s

more than enough yes

it’s more than enough

look there’s all this comedy

stuff you know

go go listen you

want to hear some instead of all this negative stuff

carlos monsieur rules that’s what

he rules your

mother this is

this is what i

think there’s

great comics

right now this is like one of the best times ever for

stand up comedy

there’s so many good guys

there’s bill burr who’s a hilarious

comic if you

never heard his

stuff before i did that kevin bean

april foolish in the show with him

a couple weekends ago

fucking dude is fantastic he’s hilarious

there’s pat naswalt who’s one of my favorites

he’s goddamn hilarious all of his cds are

great just an awesome writer stan hope

of course you know he’s a

classic and

nor shit jim norton

hilarious louis

ck of course there’s so many good

comics now now

instead of thinking positive

instead of thinking negative

about guys of

steel and bullshit and the problems with this and that

the positive

thing is there’s

so much good comedy now there’s so many good comedians

and if you like my shit

my new thing just came out you can get it it’s talking

monkeys in space it’s on itunes

you can get it on dvd

joe rogan net

it’s on all the joe rogan

net has all the links and it’s

on amazon and it’s number two on itunes comedy bitch

get my ass kicked by

robin williams but

the point is this good stuff down

that’s what’s important positive not not negative

you fucking faggots

all right thank you very much for

tuning in we had a good time

i hope we answered all your questions

i love you to your rule too you

crazy bitch

and all good

thanks and we’ll

see you next week as the weekly podcast

keeps rolling on

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