The Joe Rogan Experience #18 - Brian Redban

gentlemen what’s up you

dirty bitches we’re live refresh your browser

then you can see us

in the you stream like we are

seeing ourselves

i muted it you fuck you can’t get me

good job yeah

so hi everybody it’s a

week like 20 or some shit this is insane dude

where this is we’re all the way into may almost this is

april 27th is that what it is yeah we started the wait

no december yeah we

started at the beginning of the christmas yeah

we basically

started the beginning of the year and here we are

it was number three last week on the itunes

for podcast which is

ridiculous because the fucking production

value is goddamn

awful for itunes i apologize

ladies and gentlemen it’s kind of

cool it’s kind of cool it’s fucking

they get better and well it’s definitely

it’s garage

but we got a

bunch of new shit coming

where right now this is just my

my desk we have cleaned everything out and

couch is coming in thursday and the green screen

slightly after that

we got new mp3

audio recorders some big fucking serious jammies here

before look how

small this is

after look how insane it is

again you streams fucking up on me well i’ve been

watching we just went from zero to 850 viewers within

what two minutes one minute yeah that’s what it goes

so let’s be boring

here so this is some new shit we got to make the

sound better for you itunes people and

thank you very much for putting up with it up to this

one and i appreciate all your suggestions and

i know people get harsh with their criticisms but

the bottom line is that’s your real opinion and i

appreciate it you know

i got a thick skin

i’ve been in show business for a

long time and most people have been saying i suck ever

since day one so

you get used to it but i

think all your criticisms are valid

we’re working on the

production quality we have real

microphones now

of course we have this

and then we also have

i have to hold on to this for a

second we bought some serious sennheiser

microphones just like you

would use in a recording studio

so at the end of the day when all is said and done

alcohol swabs

to disinfect

it between gas

clean that shit

off make it all nice nice we don’t want any

guests getting herbs

but so we’re turning this thing into a real

production studio we’re

gonna have cameras on tripods and the

whole deal and i’m

stealing a page out of anthony kumia’s book

anthony kumia is

one of the dudes from opie and anthony

super cool guy and he does a badass

radio show from his house

and he’s one of the ones that gave me really the

first inspiration to do it because i saw his setup and

his setup is fucking badass he has it set up

basically just like a real radio show you

know with like real jam and microphones and

he has a backdrop and a

green screen

so i’m basically stealing all anthony’s idea

with his blessing and with

all due credit

to mr kumia

you should add something

to it like a hot tub or something you know how

crazy anthony is

you were with us in new york last time

right you see his gun yeah he carries the gun around

he has a special

permit so you can

carry a gun

everywhere it was

weird when they brought

it up because everyone else in the rooms like oh no no

yeah they were all like they’re all concerned

about him they’re all

worried that he’s

gonna go bananas and kill a

bunch of people

but what she

may very well guns kind of make that already if you

bring a gun into a room

even if you’re comfortable with your gun you’re now

that guy has a weapon that can kill me

yeah that is kind of

weird right that he wants to do that all the time

i have guns and i

appreciate you wanting to

shoot them and

use them and it’s good to have something in the

house to protect yourself cause

there’s a lot of

crazy fucks out there

carrying one

everywhere is just a little strange but i

guess hey what the fuck

it’s like better to happen yeah

what’s that expression

better to need it and to have it than to

not need it and have it something like that yes what

yeah something like that

but you know

better to not have it and

not need it then to need it and not have it that’s the

expression but uh

yeah i mean he’s fucking walking around

straps that’s

crazy it’s a big ass fucking gun

dude man he’s got a glock out of it all times

with talons

black talon bullets i have some of

those too but

black talons are like they don’t make him anymore man

they shred you up

like black talons

they don’t just go through you

as it goes through you it

spreads out it’s

like talons like it shreds the inside of your body out

yeah from maxing a mortar

grenade or something like that

yeah man and he carries a gun i don’t even need

those things

where they just stop making oh they’re

still legal if you have them

if you have them your grandfather

in i believe

you can’t go out and get them

and anthony’s one of

those guys and he finds out that

oh these fucks they’re making

things illegal

he’ll go out to the

store and buy like fucking

you know like


folds he’s crazy he’s got like a room in his office

or at his house that used to be a walk in

closet where his girl used to keep her shit

and now it’s an armory

it’s an armory

his room is all guns

and ammunition and

rifles and ak 47s and fucking pistols and everything

and it’s got

alarms like you have to

press separate

alarms to get into that room

retinol skating he’s like the goddamn punisher man

he’s got a fucking room in his

house with an

alarm on it

dedicated to guns you open the door it’s all lit

you know with like cool

lighting and shows

and the compound too yeah

his house is the compound

he’s a loon man

but being a loon

makes for fun

radio he’s fucking

great on the

radio he’s hilarious he’s this funny guy

i like yeah he’s

that’s one of the coolest

radio shows to do i have

been doing them

since like 2000

this is fucking

great show so much fun

it’s just the best hang

you know jim or

norton is the funniest guy on

radio for sure that guy’s

goddamn hilarious and

just mean and

nasty and quick

like his the the shit that he says like

anytime there’s some new

thing in the

news he’s always got like a million and he’s

riffing he just riffing

just talking shit

about people

if you haven’t listened to them open

anthony every

radio shows hit

and miss you know i mean you can’t even this fucking

thing we’re doing obviously hit and miss

you can’t be awesome all

the time because it’s just talking you know it’s like

when you talk for

hours at a time they’re talking for like four

hours at a time

there’s gonna be times you doing something sucks

did you follow the

tito shit at all

should we talk about that

i gotta talk about because i think it’s very

crazy especially if you’re following it through if you

don’t know and if you don’t know

tell us tell everybody what’s

supposedly tito was just arrested for allegedly

beating up jenna jameson

and then he came out and said i never hit her

she has a big oxy

was oxycotin

oxycontin problem

she’s fucked up on drugs and

that’s it so what i thought i thought that was just

weird and then i was watching this clip on tmz

where it was jenna saying he did not beat me up

we had a altercation

you know but he did not beat me up people were

thinking he’s a wife beater

then like a half hour later an hour later

tito puts out a press conference saying hey

she is fucked up on oxycontin

and then immediately her

story now is wearing an arm brace

he beat me up and

threw me in a hot

tub i think she had the arm brace

even in the beginning really

but saying that he beat me up and

threw me in a hot tub and all this good

move throwing a chicken a hot tub

if you’re gonna throw a chicken or something

well hot tub

you can bang her up yeah but she’s a porn star so you

should be allowed to

throw her in a hot tub that comes along with

dating a porn star

i threw her in a porn

star to fuck her she retired in 2008

but so i think she had i think

she had the

thing on her arm in the beginning did she yeah

but but it is kind of

weird how the

story changed

right well if she does

have that problem that’s a terrible problem and i know

a dude who had that problem

for a long time and

he got prescriptions from he lived in

texas and he

moved to la and he got prescriptions from both doctors

he just couldn’t help himself he’s very

self indulgent and he just got

whacked out on that shit

but apparently it’s

all it’s easy it’s hard to get off and easy to get on

you just start popping it we talked before on the show

about a documentary

and we just

briefly say it if you

haven’t seen it just google

the oxycontin

express and it’s all about

how many people are addicted to this

stuff in florida

with their wacky

laws florida

doesn’t have a database of doctors

so the way my friend did it he got a prescription in

texas and he got a prescription

here in california

and then he started

using both of them at the same time getting

both of them refilled and i got all fucking loony

but in florida you can go to like 100 doctors

they don’t have a database of doctors

that’s crazy it’s

scary shit because

it’s like for sure it’s


companies they

absolutely know what the fuck they’re doing with this

stuff they have they’ve been accused and convicted

or it’s been proven rather that they lied

about the addiction qualities

of oxycontin

that they knew and suppressed information

they knew that it was

super super addictive i mean it’s basically

it’s heroin in a pill form when they call it hillbilly

heroin that’s really what it is

if you ever been to florida

folks you might want to go just to see these

things called pain management centers

i mean you know

how people go on vacation to see like the

great wall of china

you might want to go

on vacation to see

the pain management centers because it’s a fucking trip

yeah it’s a heroin store

shit’s fucked up but i mean do you think

did you see her reaction in the

video did you see like the yes

she kind of looks

here’s the problem here’s the problem with both of them

right is i like both of them

i can’t talk

about them i’d like to

know and and

you know i met

jenna back when she was with her

old husband and she’s always been very nice she’s still

with him i heard

i heard they

never got a divorce

i don’t i don’t know well either way

she’s always been nice to me and i can’t talk shit

about it but yeah it’s not

it’s the whole

thing is unfortunate

i’ll tell you who i can’t talk shit

about though

that that faggot

that was fucking

larry king’s wife now he’s talking about it

left and right

giving up all the juice

like it was bad enough

when all these

women were coming out about

tiger woods and the

jesse james

chicks trying to make her money like

that’s bad enough

but this fucking guy that’s been banging

larry king’s wife is

the biggest

bitch out of all of them

this fucking guy

okay was the baseball coach

for larry king’s kids okay

he starts banging

larry king’s wife

and he’s banging

larry king’s wife in

larry king’s bed

while larry king’s show is being filmed

because larry king wants to know

where his wife is at all times

so he makes her

watch the show at

least according to this guy

so that he can quiz

her like what did you think

about my show

that i asked tom cruise the

right questions

and so she has to be

ready to answer

so he’s banging her

and as he’s banging her

she’s like watching the show

making sure she pays attention to what you know

fucking paris hilton

as the sailor

king no way

this fucking guy gave up

everything man

he’s such a fucking

snitch bitch

this is a man okay this isn’t a

wounded female

who you know

dated a guy for a long time he told her he

loved her and she thought that she was gonna

leave him there you know

that’s not what’s

happening here this is not a this is a man

this is a fucking man

a man who knew the deal

right from the get go

and apparently she

started buying them shit look

she’s he’s a

young guy okay and she’s

hot for larry king

but this guy was like i’m in love with you i

wanna marry you this fucking guy was doing to her

the same thing

rich women do to

older men the same

thing that fucking

larry king’s wife was doing to larry king

she was trying to get paid

and he was trying to get paid too

and now he’s like just

spilling the beans

for just all these

magazines and he’s talking

about his acting career and

larry king helped him

so like tito’s telling the

mother of his two children that my

wife is a meth

head you know and

stuff like that

now that’s kind of like

breaking a weird kind of

trust like hey the woman

that mothered you’re too

cheered on hey

tmz no she’s on meth

she’s a meth

oxycontin or whatever

well yes i can see your

point but if you want to help somebody

maybe that would be the

thing to do to make it public if someone’s going

wacky and accusing you

of doing shit that you didn’t do it’s telling everybody

the whole entire

world and trying to ruin that person’s

telling the

whole entire

world you’re a wife beater if that’s not true

yeah but if you have a drug

problem and you love that person you know that then all

right come on well you know

we both know people with drug

i guess we can’t really talk

about but this is

we can’t talk

about people

with drug problems but isn’t it interesting

when someone has a drug problem like how do you

the interesting question is

and if you don’t know anybody that

has a drug problem out there well how

lucky are you you’re so

lucky because it’s one of the saddest fucking things

when you know someone who’s addicted to anything i’ve

known people that were addicted to gambling

know i know a lot of dudes that are addicted to pussy

and that’s real you know

there’s people that are addicted to

things they’re not just trying to get legs they’re

horny they’re just

fucking they’re obsessive

you know and

there’s drugs

that will fucking for sure take over someone’s body

and what do you do

about it we’ve

had the problem we’ve had problems with friends of ours

you know like what do you do

about it my friend johnny

my best friend

growing up my

dude that i used to play pool with and

hang out with in new york he died from drugs

he died was 33 years old

it could happen

to anybody anybody that fucks around with drugs like

oxycontins and heroin

and math and

stuff like that

and coke you can get caught

and what do

you do what do you do if your friend gets caught

you rat him out

the fuck do you do

i don’t think ratting out

at least not when you’re in a situation

where you’re

not only ratting them out to them

whatever authorities

right you’re writing them out to

every single person in the

world and when you’re in a

field where you are

based off your persona you’re

right like she makes

money of who she is

and you know she’s playing like a role

right so you

think he fucked up

talking shit he just destroyed her you know

tiger woods

style her in

front of twitter in

front of everybody in front of

everything her career

and the mother

of their two

children but if he didn’t do that

let’s just play

devil’s advocate

if he didn’t do that let’s say

that she just got

super dramatic and fell down

and decided to call the cops

maybe he grabbed her when she was doing something

wacky and she fell down and hurt herself let’s

just i don’t know if that happened and i’m certainly

not defending anybody who

would do anything to a

woman you know for no reason like that i mean

anybody who loses

their temper and physically assaults a

woman i’m not defending that but

i’ve been in situations

where people have accused me of

things that i

haven’t done

and i know people that have been accused of rape

and i know you want to tell your

story oh yeah

yeah let’s tell her

because what

brian has a

great story

yeah i mean i’m kind of in the same situation

back in the day i

dated a girl that was completely

this a long time ago

ten years ago ten years ago okay i

dated this girl that was a

blackout crazy

drunk like every time

like her parents were drunks

since she was 18 she

blackout every day just

drank like boons like five

bottles of bills how old was she when you were dating

i would say she was like 22

something like that 21

22 something like that and

i broke up with her

cause she was one of

those girls that would

cheat on you

like five times a day and just like come on

my first girl was

like that too

you still got a dick in there

take the dick out

first and then

you know but no

so one time

it was like it was always one of

those things like i’d

break up with

her and then i was like oh god she has big

tits i got oh

gotta fuck her again

but then one time it was like six

months go by she

is trying and trying and finally i’m like alright look

it’s my sister’s birthday this weekend

we’re gonna go out and have some

drinks if you want to come out but you

have to be cool you know you can’t you know whatever

so she came out fucking

stupid with

blackout drunk fucking

embarrassing people you know i had to like

get her in the car and stuff

but get back to my

house and i’m like look i’m

going to bed you can

crash downstairs or

i can call you a cab or somebody you’re not allowed to

drive and she goes i’m fucking driving

yeah starts

breaking my shit just destroying my

house i’m talking

about taking

picture frames and

smashing it

throwing things like i had this huge

dent in my refrigerator where she

threw something at my refrigerator

like it was like and i’m like

grabbing her like stop stop

you know get the fuck out of my house you

crazy woman

and so i opened the door

throw her outside

i literally

not like hey

threw her against a

brick wall or anything i just like pushed her out the

front door slammed the door

went upstairs

went to bed

and forgot all

about it how bold are you

i was like that’s a bold

pimp move i was like

let your doors yeah

if you saw what if you saw the shit

that she was doing

in my did you not look out the door to see

where she went or anything i did not care i was so

upset because my

i just assumed she

would just start

lighting your

house on fire

yeah i think

to a point i’d probably look outside to see if

she walked down to

her car or something like that you know

but what she did

was go to my neighbors

start banging on

their door at 2 in the morning and go

he threw me outside he won’t

drive me home

call the police i need a oh no

i slept through that’s why you have to pay attention i

slept through all this

i know i guess the cops came i

know whatever

and i was just like

then i woke up

in the morning casually went downstairs making coffee

get a doorbell ring the door open the door and the cops

said hey brian

damn we wish you

wouldn’t answer the door we need to arrest you

and i what and they’re like

well we got

three charges for your arrest i guess

you wouldn’t

drive her home

and you wouldn’t let her leave

the house or something like that because i

wouldn’t let her

drive it was unlawful restraint

because i wouldn’t

you wouldn’t give her keys

yeah when i give her keys because she was

black i wasted

oh you should call the cops

i should have called the cops yes

absolutely but when you’re like

young and okay so

so you were

falsely accused sort

of you were involved in a fucked up situation where

it’s basically

it’s a form of

karma i mean

you were involved

with someone you shouldn’t have been involved with

what they knew

your instincts were telling you to

avoid them absolutely the

tit sucked you back in

tit sucked me

right back in like

so anyways i got all

these charges against me

and then i had to

go to court

spend i think it was 20 000

in court fees

i had to go to all

these different

things like i went to this

had to go to a


that they maybe go to

this is by the way all nicknamed the oj simpson law

because after the oj simpson

trial they now have

a woman if a

woman want to she

could go through the

phone book and go arrest this person

they hit me

and without asking anything or

anything they have to automatically arrest that person

put them in the

system tell

people this shit

just kidding

people are gonna start you

know we’re not responsible for

anything right

so i just made that up yeah i made that up

so i had to go to like these


and this one person

he was like

the deciding factor

if this person says that they believe i’m a

crazy woman beater

then it has to go to trial

and so we sit down

and he goes

excuse me what’s the

woman’s name this is in the


meeting i’m like i told her the name they’re like

i’m sorry i’m

gonna have to stop this

right now i actually

graduated with her

i’m going to have to get my partner in on this and so

he couldn’t interview me

and say things like

to the partner

i’m like alright this is this guy’s friend

you know that went to

school with this girl

the guy sat

and listened to me five minutes goes yes this is go to

trial he is out of control

and the whole time i’m like

i went home she was

going crazy stepped up

you know and so then

i had to go to

court this guy

would like the girl or something she went to high

school they

graduated together in the same

class oh my god

so he hooked it up

for his friend for well if you worked with your partner

and you’re like

hey i went to

school with this girl fuck this guy up you know

right yeah that’s probably what happened

so i had to go

then go to back to

court to get

judged to approve like a separate person

cause i had to say look they went to high

school together and then

they whispered

then i had to go to this other

but you got that off yeah i had to go to

court though okay next or what 10 000

get that then finally what happens they

dropped everything

this is like 20 000

worth of court fees going to court for about two years

they dropped everything for

what’s that

ticket where you can go outside and just

scream outside uh

it’s like a minor

ticket it’s like a fifty dollar ticket disturbing the

peace yeah disturbing the peace

but it’s called something else it’s called

something else okay

but i got that

let’s see if any of these fucking what’s it called

degenerates will know what that means

yeah so it got all that drop to that and the day mr

jones 9 30 says let’s hear the real

story you chris brown that bitch

no i did no

and then what’s

funny is i have a mug shot and in the mug shot

i have a black eye

and my nose is all fucked up because she

threw something at me and

hit me in the face and i didn’t even know about it

so the moral of the story is if you know crazy bitch

get the fuck away from her

disorderly conduct disorder but

here’s the funniest thing is

right when i

did that the next day after the

trial where they

ended it and say alright disorderly contact pay a

ticket she called me she goes i want you to know i’m so

sorry about this i actually didn’t

press charges or anything the police

pressed charges and they

wouldn’t let me they

wouldn’t drop the charge that’s the true that’s a true

story she’s like

i had nothing to do with this i was pissed off that

night that’s all that happened i went to the cop

separated well that’s the truth

that that is a part of the law if you get accused of

any sort of domestic violence

the police have to try the case

right you know the law has to try the case yeah

woman can’t just drop it

you can’t drop domestic violent cases

yeah pretty nutty when you

think about it

you know that is the problem

there’s a lot of people that do a lot of fucked up

things to human beings for sure and there

should be laws to protect people but

we don’t know who’s telling the fucking truth

and if you run in bad circles and you hang out with

crazy bitches you can have a bad situation right

so that’s what sucks

about this whole

thing with them because they’re celebrities

if all that

shoot was on

tmz tito and

jenna all my

shoot was on tmz

that would be intense people

would think that you’re a

woman beater

yeah automatically i already just told you soon

probably half the people there

think i’m lying

i’ve never had a chick

hit me i had a chick

swing on me once and i ducked

under it and

grabbed her

right and then i calmed her down and then it got okay

after that right

but i’ve never been in a situation

where i hated

somebody or i was with them and i hated them

but i know people have man i know people

that are in relationships that they fucking hate

you know and it’s

almost always people that had really fucked up parents

it’s almost always people that have parents that fought

and for some reason they

think that it’s normal and

especially when you’re

young they kind of like it

because they

think it makes them feel like an

adult like they’re doing like

adult type shit like

their parents did

they’re fucking

screaming and yelling each other

like there’s been many times

especially when i was way way younger my

early days for

had a grip on

the type of girls to date and type girls not date

if a girl is hot i

would date her

it didn’t matter if she yelled at me

i mean you had to be really fucked up for me to

break up with you

you know especially in boston because

it’s so hard to get laid in boston

in boston if you’re single you fucked it’s not like

too much stevia

no i got all

grinds yeah

i make cowboy coffee i make coffee with a french

press and at the end of it there’s you get grinds

but i like it it’s all pretty

but you know

it’s so hard to get laid

you know in boston and when you’re a

teenager man

i don’t know

about you but me when i was a

teenager i had to get late

to stay sane

i had to get late otherwise

sex was all i thought

about all fucking

day you know nature has you primed for that

nature has it set up so that

if you’re not fucking okay and feel like 17

18 years old and you’re not fucking that’s all you’re

gonna be thinking

about you’re not

gonna be able to concentrate on anything

and you can get distracted

so easy you

could get just

completely removed from whatever path you’re on

if you’re trying to you know

become a fucking

sprinter in the olympics

are you trying to you know become an author

whatever you’re doing

if you’re not getting laid a girl can come in and just

just fuck up the

whole situation just by giving you pussy yeah

you know but

when you know you’re

30 something years old and you’ve been around the

block a few times then

then it becomes a matter of okay who’s the

dummy here you know who’s the one who’s being

silly you know

why are you getting involved with these

crazy bitches yeah

this is what people need to do

first of all you need

to get your own shit together that’s like number one

you need to be a

happy person

and you know a lot of people don’t like weed

but here’s one of the

things that weed is really good for

if you smoke weed and get paranoid

and you start

freaking out

about things

almost always

those things that you’re

freaking out

about are things that are

in your subconscious that you’re not comfortable about

the things that have been bothering you for a long time

and you’ve been

trying to push them to the back of your head

and when you

smoke pot whatever it is

about pot especially when you get too hot

what there’s some

there’s a quality to marijuana that makes you think

about shit that you’re suppressing

it makes you

think about

things from your past that you don’t like

it makes you

think about like

things that you did

and it makes you think

about like your own issues

you know and

especially like

marijuana and the isolation tank together

dude you haven’t even used my

tank have you done the isolation tank lately i’ve been

still doing that i always

do it yeah i’d always do it

wanted to do it last

night but i was too

tired i had to get up

early in the morning and do

radio for montreal i’m in montreal

may eighth i believe

something like that

add the metropolis

is it me i think

metropolis and

may may it might be

seventh or seventh

i wish i find out i probably sure

by the way your twitter name is now joe rogan yes so

it’s not joe rogan

net anymore yeah there was

i fucking i scored

i got it back there’s

apparently a

thing where you can

report when people are

hijacking your image they’re squatting your name

you know what’s funny is that when they switch it over

they just deleted joe’s joe rogan

net name so they just let it free

again like so anyone can get it

and so i grabbed i noticed it

right away and i grabbed it

but i didn’t tell joe and i looked at them like

motherfucker somebody got my shit so i sent

an email thing to him a message to him saying hey

i will give you

an autograph dvd and a cd if you give me that

i should have played

along but i was like

i know how much you hate practical

jokes i was even

gonna do all right thank

you thank you very much but it’s

funny because i don’t know if you looked at the

photo if you go to joerubbin

net now on the twitter

if you look at the

photo i made his head more tilted so it looked gayer

so you’d be more pissed

you’d be like what

all right i got it it’s may 7

may 7th i’m in the

metropolis in montreal

so anyway we were talking

about having

crazy people in your life and sex

and isolation tanks isolation tanks and get well

about having good

good relationships like the best way

to have a good relationship

you’ve got to be comfortable who the fuck you are

you know and if you got a lot of issues a lot of

stuff that’s bothering you

you know that’s

gonna fuck up

any chance you have of communicating well with

other people because

as soon as you get comfortable with that

other person

when you first meet someone

you don’t really let them in and

you sort of project who you want to be to this person

and then the person does the same

thing to you

but after like a few

months or a few weeks depending on

how good your act is

most people

you get to know who the fuck they really are

and what their real issues are

you know after a

while and they

start yelling at you when they get

upset at you for no reason or something you start like

tuning it all in and

going oh okay you’re fucking bananas

you know you

gotta not be bananas

in order to get someone who’s

not bananas like people dudes will always say like

yeah man i’m

fucking trying to find a good girl dude i’m just

tired of all

these bitches like meanwhile you’re a mess bro

you’re a fucking mess you’re a loon

you hate your stepdad

you know you want to fucking beat dudes

up at stoplights you know you’re a mess and unless

you stop being a mess you’re

never gonna be involved in a good relationship you’re

never gonna be able to recognize you know

other people that are fucked up like i’ve always said

that one of the

things about trying to be like

super honest and i try to be

literally as honest as possible

like it sounds really kind of gay

but i really do try two very important

things one i try to be as nice to people as possible

and by as nice as possible i wish i

could be nice to everybody

but some people are fucking obsessive and they

don’t leave you

alone or the bananas or

they’re retarded or they’re abusive or

they try to take advantage of you if you’re

nice and there’s some people that you can’t be nice to

unfortunately there’s some people that

you know what

they need fucking years of therapy when you

run into them you don’t have the time for that so you

gotta go to

leave me the fuck alone stop

you know and it’s unfortunate

you have to do that but sometimes you have to do that

so i try to be as nice as as

humanly possible to get through my life

and number two i try to be as honest as it’s

humanly possible

i try to always be honest

i try to make sure that

everything i’m doing i’m doing from a

place where i can be honest

about it and if you can’t be honest

about it for the most part

there’s one

thing is being honest another

thing is like

tmz type shit like revealing all sorts of information

about your personal life

because people are creepy and they want to look into it

that’s not honesty that’s like a revealing

thing and i’m

not really into that i’m not really into like

becoming going on a reality show and having everybody

see my bathroom like

what the fuck is that that’s not honesty that’s just

that’s just

weird voyeuristic shit that people get you know

obsessed with

but what i am

into is telling you

where i’m really coming from and what’s

going on in

my own mind and be comfortable with that to the

point where i am so

honest all the time that i can recognize deception

right away you know and i find that to be really true

like if you’re a really honest person

when people are

full of shit you just fucking spot it like right away

it’s really difficult to lie to an honest person

yeah really hard don’t lie

remember that

we did videos and for a while after every video

brian was going don’t lie

and really it’s fucking awesome

philosophy me and

eddie bravo would have a competition who did it best

remember yeah he

tried to be no i could do it better don’t lie

what was that all

about and he’s crazy that’s very competitive

he is very competitive

very competitive i

guess you have to be when you do that yeah well

you know he grew up in a situation

where he had

a douchebag for a stepfather and you know his

whole life has been trying to

fight against people that are fucking with him

you know what i mean so like he become

he became hyper competitive because of that

anyway so that’s my advice and to that that

bitch ass dude that’s banging

larry king’s wife and running your

mouth you faggot

turn in your man card you little

bitch of the man yes

that’s how you’re

getting buying this line if you’re getting your

money from ratting out some

woman that you fucked on

her husband’s bed

you silly man you

silly silly man and

apparently larry king

had helped this guy

and gotten this guy like acting gigs like

keep your mouth shut son

you know why trying to hurt

larry king what are you getting like 10

grand out of this you little faggot

how much you getting

mean how much are they

gonna pay it okay

he’s probably doing it for the fame

exactly well he wants

a pratz you know there

should be a sitcom

where it takes all

these people called man card

where they try to earn

their man card back

you know where it has like

spencer pratt this guy and they all live in a

house together and they all live in a

house together yeah spencer pat is a fucking brazil

introduced to

black belt there’s no

man exactly have you

seen him on that show

yes playing

black belt that’s hilarious

i hate that

i hate that hill shit

i hate that

well look we’re talking

about him that’s

all he wants and he meanwhile is making a living he

doesn’t have to work at 7 eleven

you watch the show 16 and pregnant

no i haven’t dude

apparently eddie bravo says i must

watch this i’m

gonna write this

down bad girls club

apparently bad girls club is

ridiculous yeah

i mean it’s just like the mall though

like 16 and pregnant it’s even more fun you have your

email on or something

what’s that thing that

keeps going on

so what is the show 16

16 and pregnant i’ve seen one episode in there it’s all

white trash kids and

right they yell at

their parents

their parents yell at them i was like i don’t

wanna be it’s

awful it’s the

worst show ever that’s like

too much info

that’s a perfect example

we were in ikea though the other day

and they had

like a kids room like it was like a bunk bed

it was real

happy but then it was like a

place for a baby

and i’m like

wait is this just like

you know a poor person with only one bedroom and had to

share like sister and baby

or is this like

no this girl has a baby and she’s like 15 oh my

god it was the

big bunk bed yeah she’s got a crib there yeah

that’s what i’m saying

i’m like what is ikea doing

right right you can try to market

to the well it’s

berk’s right

this is like for

too many people mexicans living in an

apartment or something like that

yeah well you know what

man with this economy being this shitter the way it is

right people are

stacking more people into

houses together

i know a person that lives down the

street from me is losing

their house

people are losing yeah people are losing their

houses left and

right people who

have a really

highfalutin lifestyle and

spend tons of

money and you know get used to it and get used to

trying to bling

bling and then the shit hits the fan

i was thinking

about moving the

other day just you get sick of a

place and you just want to upgrade

you always feel like you have to upgrade your shit

always i tore out all my carpet have like wood

floors underneath it now it looks great i’m

fine yeah you just needed a change i think

you know when i moved to

colorado that was a good

thing for me too

just to change environments

i think changing is good for your brain

i think it like

re fires your brain

like your brain has to learn this

whole new environment

i had a whole new friends the people i

would run into a

jiu jitsu whole new people i was meeting

a whole new comedy clubs

where i was working out my

stuff it was

very interesting to me it made me fire my

brain up i think that’s a good

thing to do to

shock it once more yeah

the problem is

the other thing is you

build a base though

like i have

a base in la i have all my friends live in la

my wife’s friends live in la

i have my whole

system set up

where i buy my dog food i have

the guy who works on my car

i mean i have all this shit

in la where i

train all the dudes that i’ve been

training with for years

it’s like you

get real comfortable with that system

and it’s very convenient and when you move you

gotta like re

configure your

whole situation

the problem is

women you know you

bring women

and then they have friends like

chuck liddell said he

cause i go to sports bar

i’m there for a fucking hour i got nine new friends

it’s totally true

it’s totally true

cause he’s a fucking coolest guy ever

he’s super friendly

he’s like you

wanna be you

wanna be come on buy

a beer you clinking beers with some guy what do you do

um fucking plumber you know

i’m this i’m that and

guys can meet guys like that

you know like

i tell a story

about the one time that i hosted a jack and jill

strip club in rhode island i’ve told you the

story before right

yes is a male and a

woman stripper

and it was the

horrific they

were both disgusting

there was like

maybe six to

ten people in the audience at most during the whole

night’s performance

and i had to perform a

bunch of times like i

would go up and do stand up

and then the male stripper

would go on i

would go up and do

stand up and then the female stripper

would go on and they

would do shifts

and they would take some time off and then i

would go on

stage again

and they would

start the show all over

again the woman

would go up and the guy

would go up

everyone in the audience was like

these weird people from this area of woundsock

at rhode island

but there was this one dude who was there

who was a construction worker from new jersey

and he just happened to be in town because it was a

marriage or

something like that a wedding that he had to go to

for some of his family

and he was bored

so he got out of the

house to go have a beer there’s a bar down the

street so he goes to this jackie jill strip club

and he was a totally normal dude

and me and him were talking having beers

like well he goes what

the fuck are we witnessing are you seeing what we were

and this is like one normal dude and me

after first two beers

it’s like i had

known this dude for fucking ten years

right we’re just doing one

place in pool yeah let’s fucking play some pool

so there’s a little corn operated pool

table we’re playing pool

making fun of the

whole situation like i

found a friend

like for girls

that’s hard to do man

bitches don’t

trust each other man i

learned that from having dogs

you know having pit bulls

i had two female pit bulls and one of them killed the

other one they would

fight and i

would separate them

and i thought they worked

their shit out because the way dogs work

their shit out is

one dog will like dominate the

other dog and then you figure out who the

alpha is they have

to do that they have to figure out who gets to drink

first who gets to eat first

that’s just the wild animal

world and you have to be number one

that’s why you can

never let your dog get away with shit

you can never let your dog growl at you

you can never let your dog do

things they’re not supposed to do

cause you have to be the alpha

especially if you have big dogs well this

doesn’t work with females

females never accept

dominance they

would always come back and try to battle it out again

and that’s what they did

until one of them killed the

other one and i

think that’s how

women are with

women man i

think women can be friends with women

and they have really

close friends and

they go all sex

in the city and pal around together and shit like that

but it’s real

difficult for them to make that kind of a bond

right to trust another woman that

trust them and this

i think it’s easier for dudes you know

yeah i agree

it seems like

that’s like the cat

fight thing yeah

especially if there’s dudes that are like

doing stuff that you like to do like comics

like if i meet

comics i can go to a new town

and you know do

stand up and there’s some

local comics i’ll fucking

meet local comics all the time next

thing you know we’re out having a beer together you

know we’re hanging around we have something in common

or jiu jitsu guys

like there’s like fucking 10 dudes

in jujutsu that i

train with all the time that

could totally be

good friends of mine they’re just

you know dudes that

especially jujitsu

guys because they have good control over

their ego you know

jiu jitsu guys

to get good at

jiu jitsu you have to

battle it out all the time and

you have to be real objective you can’t be delusional

at jiu jitsu

you have to really know

what your strengths are what your weaknesses

are and you got to be able to deal with tapping out you

got to be able to deal with dudes dominating you you

in the beginning

for sure you’re

gonna get dominated everybody gets

dominated in the beginning nobody

unless you’re just

so big that nobody can

touch you some 300

pound brock

lesnar character

you know you’re

gonna get tapped out in the beginning

so you have to have the kind of ego to deal with that

but for women i don’t know

i think it’s much more difficult

it was really difficult for my wife especially

with you have a little baby

you know what you

gonna do you

gonna meet some

other lady who

has a baby and how much you

gonna have in common with this

broad what if she’s christian

what if she goes all

looney tuney on you and wants to fucking talk

about noah’s

ark and shit

you know right yeah

i got some guy fucking cornered me at the

supermarket the other day

some dude that i

guess i had met him before but i forgot

you know there’s some law that you can only or

there’s some studies

that say that you can only keep like a hundred and

fifty people that you know in your head ever

seen that no i

haven’t seen that but i totally believe it because i

think mine’s like ten

seriously i don’t know if it’s from a

movie or i just don’t care there’s so many things

when like you know like i’ll meet somebody

or somebody tells me something

and if i don’t care

about it i just like i put that like on

like the coffee

table and that’s

about to get thrown out you know

i don’t put it in my deep storage i put in my random

memory you know

yeah here it is

this there’s

i don’t know working memory

there’s there’s i don’t

know i’m trying to find it on google and i want to

waste too much time looking for this

but apparently

you can only

remember you can only have real relationships

where you know

150 people where you know

their name and

you know you only have a certain amount of

space in your hard

drive when it comes to

human beings

and that to me reinforces

my feelings that

human beings are supposed to live in small

tribes we’re not supposed to live

in these gigantic

you know fucking tribes of

hundreds of

millions of people well it’s also if you ever get a

simon says you know like

you know where you follow the

colors it also

is a i don’t know if it’s a we’re supposed to live in

small tribes as in

if i can do

simon says but

right up to like the 14th one

my brain falls off

and it’s always

like the 14th one it’s almost like that’s just my max

you know like that’s my hard

drives full

i can’t do anything past this 14

i might be able to

train myself too

to like micromanage how many

things i could remember but

it’s weird like if i

pick up a simon says right now

once i hit the 14th one

i can’t do it like it just turns off on

those well i

think everybody has a different threshold for that

right oh i’m saying everyone does

but i think

for names it’s pretty

it’s pretty dark

wouldn’t that fall on the same

thing though just

maybe memory

well i think

i think well

think about how many words you know

you know we know

thousands of words and words that we don’t even use

you know yeah you can

you mean you never

use serendipitous you know

most of our hard drives

our dictionary

how about those

fucking people

that just spout out you only use five percent of your

brain so some

random night

you only only use ten percent of brain

really do you even know what the fuck you’re talking

about are you just like

reciting some shit that someone told you in high

school like this is the year of google right

you’re not supposed to be just saying we only use 2

of our brain

you know you don’t fucking know but

anyway this dude that i met at the grocery

store i did not remember him

and he said he is from jiu jitsu

so i said hey what’s up man how you doing

so i think it’s just

gonna be one of

those casual what’s up man how you doing things

and he’s like a little

taken aback that i don’t remember him

and then ha

ha like laughs

about it was a girl

awkward socially so take care man

some shopping i’m doing all my shit

and then i’m leaving

and when i’m

going out to my car

he hits me with joe

you go to church

i’m like no you

motherfucker and i’ve got a car and

you know i want

to unload my food and i want to get the fuck home

and this dude is like cornering me in the parking lot

and so i i say no i don’t

he said are you interested and i say no i’m not

and he goes

have you talked to

blank and i don’t

wanna say who blank is

but he is a friend of mine and

he was saying that this this guy has he talked to you

about the lord

this guy is

fucking this guy who were talking about

this friend of mine is fucking bananas all right

you know nothing

wrong with cheating on your wife but

this guy like

literally was

planning on killing her i mean he’s fucking

yeah he’s crazy he didn’t do anything

and he got away with her

and the whole day but

the guy he was talking

about was like

i don’t want to say anything

other than he’s probably one of the

worst examples

you could ever possibly use he just

doesn’t know it’s the best example

you have used for religion

well yeah i mean

this guy he just

doesn’t know

that this guy’s bananas because

a lot of people don’t know this guy’s bananas you know

but you know so i’m like come on man

i don’t have time to

break all this shit down for you

you know if it’s helping you that’s all well and good

but just running up to people and

thinking you’re

gonna save them in the parking lot

cause you couldn’t get your shit together

you don’t have to save me alright i’m pretty fucking

happy and if you really

truly believe

that the only way i’m

gonna get to go heaven

go to heaven is

kirk cameron style

where you have to fucking

you have to accept the lord you ever seen

kirk cameron go up to like gang bangers

you gotta google that shit on youtube watch

kirk cameron’s

videos where he goes up to people and uses his

fucking 13 year old

logic he uses like fucking

seventh grade

logic on these

people when you google it type in

kirk cameron owned video

there’s a lot of those

because that’s even better yeah

when he starts talking to people who actually read

yeah he’s fucked

yeah it’s awesome

he’s so bananas i

think kurt cameron is almost

definitely gay

the more i watch them in these

videos the more i’m like there’s nothing masculine

about this man

he’s very submissive

and his desired for chastity

and his desire for

know if i met him i

think i would go over the edge and just try to kiss

him no yeah

yeah pull out my dick

look at it look at it you know just like go yeah

i would go to jail for them

just you know

i’m like fuck them

just hold them down

hold them down jerk off on his

chest or something like that see what he does

try sticking his tongue out no stop

i remember you know

what sucks is i used to like him

back in the day with the show what a growing pain was

but i also thought that

tracy gold was hot so i

guess i’m just

stupid well his wife was

super hot right

there she is

still his wife

still his wife

oh no his real wife yeah

his real wife is super hot

there’s something a matter with that dude

he’s chasing down the lord

i can understand

you wanting to

study what christianity

to me in my opinion is is an ancient philosophy

you know it

might be incredibly flawed but there’s some very good

things to it there’s some very good ideas that love one

another as you

would love yourself you know be you know treat each

other as brothers and

sisters and all that

stuff is very good

but it’s got a lot of

wacky nonsense in it that makes no fucking

sense and if you really want to

study it if you that’s your thing

look it’s just

there’s nothing

wrong with people

studying like

greek mythology you know like getting into like

zeus and mithra and all that

crazy that’s kind of cool stuff

it’s interesting

but when you really get into like christianity and

start thinking that this is the real

stuff like this is the

what the fuck are you talking and then you’re

gonna grab other people and

you need to listen to me you need to listen to me

it’s all parents though you know

i would never have thought that if my parents

when i was a kid

some people know though medusa

is not born

against some people are born

against like that’s not

their kid it’s not

their parents

yeah but i bet those are

it’s really hard to be a born like

never learned it growing up and they go

straight into it i don’t

think it is if your life falls

apart i think if your life falls

apart and all

these people that are into jesus seem

happy and they seem like they have a path

cause that’s really what it’s all about man

you know you have to have a path and

today people

if you think

about the way we used to live the way our

bodies are programmed

to live i mean we’re supposed to be

living you know

in fucking huts and caves and shit

i mean that the hardware that we have

right now is

basically the same hardware the same

adrenal system the same

you know neural synapses that connect the same way

as people that

lived a hundred thousand years ago

if you took a person from a hundred thousand years ago

and sat him in the corner

right there

he would be unrecognizable and he

would be totally normal you

wouldn’t say like what the fuck that’s a caveman

no he would look just like us

but yet a hundred

thousand years ago they had very different needs man

there was a

you couldn’t

you you had shit you had to do you had tasks

okay you had to go out

you had to find that fucking food

every day you had to hunt that

shit down that’s when there’s like a visceral thrill

involved in hunting

like hunters will tell you like you ever

watch like ted

nujit talk about it

like he makes it very appealing and brock

lesnar he’s got

videos of him hunting like it’s a rush

it gives these guys a rush

kill the animal and get

their meat and it’s not like a

cruelty rush like

they’re there

they want to kill and fucking hurt and destroy

no it’s a man is supposed to be out there

shooting animals and killing you ever

plant food and then eat that food

there’s something very

exciting about that very

very rewarding and fulfilling

and to a lot of people

their life is filled

with nothingness

there’s no task

every day it’s just

show up at work

do what you’re told

do your paperwork stare at the clock

beg for five o’clock

get the fuck out of here

listen to your wife

bitch have a beer

watch law say what the fuck is

going on fall asleep

do it all over

again there’s no task

there’s no real

so there has to be some meaning

to it all so someone comes up to you and says hey man

i know you feel that way i used to feel that too

until i met the lord that

emptiness in your life is that you don’t have the lord

when really that

emptiness in

your life is just your fucking hardware man

it’s just your hardware

you know dude

you think about the way we are

wired we are not

wired to deal with this

world that we live in

right now we are

wired to deal with

thousands of years ago

fucking eighteen

thirty something was when they figured out the camera

that means everything before

less than two hundred

years ago if you want to know what someone looked like

someone had to draw that person for you

do you think of how

crazy that is

they had to draw your

how many fucking people can draw

you know i mean how many

how many people do we really know from before eighteen

hundred what they really looked like it’s fucking

guesswork yeah

unless you were napoleon

you know napoleon we have

hundreds of drawings

that guy we got a pretty good idea what he looked like

abraham lincoln pretty good idea what he looked like

you know but you go go way way way back

five hundred years ago what the fuck

black people didn’t

exist back then

you know white people have only existed for a

short amount of time you know there was a recent

study where they figured out how long

white people have been around

i believe it was like ten thousand years or something

silly let me see i’m

gonna google that because that’s an important

thing how long have caucasians exist soon

see i think

black people came before white people and i’m

sure a lot of people don’t believe that but you think

black people came first in an art

kind of way like

using palettes and colors it has to go that way

you know you think so yeah you make

you can’t go that way you know

black turns into

white but white’s not gonna turn in black

you know color wise

if you’re mixing color

when did people evolve to be

white what would i look for

when did people change become white

that’s it when people come up

why did people become white all right that’s why

vitamin deeper okay so now we’re saying

between a hundred thousand and

fifty thousand years ago hmm

lower levels of vitamin d at higher latitudes

where the sun is less intense

caused the lightning effect

where modern humans became

who were who began darker skin

first migrated north so human beings

have been black

until about

fifty thousand years ago when we started moving around

and then the climate changed us pretty fucking chain

pretty crazy shit i

think about it

so this banana had that

tried to convert me into jesus at least

at least with jesus you’re allowed to fucking draw a

picture of them how

nutty is the fucking

south park thing yeah it’s ridiculous

did you watch the episode oh yeah part

one i finally

watched both

of them no i couldn’t watch it it was driving me crazy

i was so mad at comedy central for beeping out every

time i see the first one no

go see the first one they didn’t do anything on the

first one the second one

because of the first one

it’s so annoying though

when you see every time they say muhammad

it beeps and then how about when he’s in a fucking

this the bear suit and it comes out and it’s

santa claus and the bear suit right like

dude the first episode he was in a u haul

and that was

like legally that’s what they thought that they

wouldn’t get in

trouble with so they just

drove they drove

muhammad around in a u haul

they just they’re like

is this okay muhammad

yeah i think it’s okay

you know penn

gillette said something on his twitter

today and i’m paraphrasing but

basically said the measure of religion is

how much you’re afraid

you know what way you can say

about a religion is how much you’re afraid to talk

about them or

when you’re afraid to talk

about them right like

how crazy they are

basically what he’s saying and penn is

a very staunch atheist and i’ve been

friends with that guy for a long time and he

doesn’t he won’t even consider the possibility

that there’s some sort of an intelligent life

you know to it all he’s very

scientific but

you know unfortunately he’s

never done any

psychedelic drugs

and if he had he’s

never done anything he’s

never had a drop of alcohol he’s

never even had a single drug

except for when he’s had to have surgery

when they had a drug and

he like takes it very seriously to be

sober all the time

which is all well and good but i

think you know you can’t really

understand what’s happening in the


experience unless you’ve had one

you know point is

this fucking muhammad

thing man in

fact i like

how they compared it i don’t know if they did in the

second episode and the

first thing they compared it to

of the tom cruise

suing anyone that says he’s gay

yeah it’s kind of like the muhammad

thing you know

or is it like what you’re not allowed to talk

about him being gay

listen i’m gonna tell you

right now you can talk about me

being gay all day long yeah

cox i don’t care i got

if you go online there’s

pictures of me with dicks all over the place

that’s the golden rule of the internet

right i’ve always

said that if

there’s a picture of you on the internet somewhere

someone is photoshopped a dick in your

mouth i fucking love

south park though i was

watching the show i was

watching orgasmo last

night i don’t know if you ever seen that one it’s a

movie that trey parker

wrote and directed and stuff

and where he’s a mormon

and he gets into porn

but that alone is a

great movie how they’re always battling religion and

trey is at least yeah

it’s just a fucking love

they’re the best

they’re the best they’re the most prolific

their show’s the best it’s the

most to speaks

to like my sense of

humor the most

silly but it’s spot on and brilliant

just the fucking barbra streisand

dinosaur monster

you know machine

thing that they had i mean even

do you ever see

they i don’t know i

think i’ve told

you this before there used to be a website called

shockwave com used to be

shockwave com

which was a

bunch of flash

movies and stuff

and they originally paid

trey parker and matt stone some

crazy amount of

money but i saw it what

was it it was

this show called princess

what it was is

they were paid

tons and tons of

money to do and they were like uncensored

they were like you

could do whatever you want uncensored this is

gonna be big on the internet

and we’re gonna give you like 30 000

an episode or something like that

and so they hired

trey and matt to do the series of

24 episodes

they got to the

second one turned it in

like well this is

great they’re like whoa whoa

we said uncensored but this is out of control this is

too far if you

go online and have it on my website redband com

just google princess

trey parker or

princess red band

you’ll find it

and what it is it’s all

about this fluffy little dog it looks like a shit zoo

and it just sits there

and it starts off it’s like

all about this dog and then it’s just like

crazy stuffs

going on in the

background that just cute dogs

watching like it’s

watching two people

fuck it’s watching somebody get murdered it’s like

it’s like it’s all

about this cute little

cute little dog

watching all this horrific shit

and it only got the two episodes

and they even though they said they were allowed to do

anything they

wanted they’re like this is too fucked up we quit no

you guys keep the money

you can’t do this anymore

it’s the best

best two videos i’ve ever seen in my life and

i wish trey

parker and madstone

would finish that

cause it was one of the funniest

things i’ve ever seen

those guys are so

crazy they’re the craziest

they just take

things the deepest

you know like i remember when we saw team america

i remember being in the theater

going i can’t believe

where they’re

going with this

i can’t you

know when the dude starts

throwing up and keeps

throwing up

it’s like you know

a fucking football

field full of puke and he’s laying in the center of it

i mean they took it to the utmost

they took it to

its total shock humor but brilliant

shock humor

yeah you know like it’s not as

funny the second time around like the

throw up scene

the throw up

scene the first

time around when you don’t know it’s coming it’s just

god damn it’s

funny it’s like one of the

they’re the best there

if they have a

movie coming out i’m always more

excited than anything else except

them and borat borat

and or them and in og

this is like close

so i don’t know if borat’s ever

gonna work on me anymore yeah

i wonder what he’s doing now i wonder if there’s like a

third movie

cause i don’t know if that

takes time off

maybe if it takes time off

if he goes to

places where people aren’t

aware of it like if he goes to like the south

like that’s what he

tried to do before i

tried to go to the

south well it’s almost like mike myers has

fell in the same category i

watched the last

goldfinger movie or whatever he did

he was just playing the same character over and over

again and the

other day i

watched one of my old favorite

movies was so i

married an axe murderer

i used to love that

movie i watched it the

other day i wanted to

fucking puke and beat people up because it was so awful

like mike myers to me has died almost

like dude his last

movie looked like

like you know

those movies

where they have a guy who used to be funny

and then all of a

sudden like in the movie

he takes a terrible turn and he’s not

funny anymore he’s putting out crap and the

people shaking

their heads and he’s in the down spiral of his life

that last movie

we played the indian guy the love guru gold memory

whatever the fuck

yeah yeah love guru

yeah when you

watch the ads for that you’re like okay

what is funny

about this this is like

anti funny it’s like

this is like a guy who forgot what funny is

right it’s just like

but what’s crazy is you go back

as far as soy merida

and ax murder

which was way before austin

powers or any of that stuff

it destroyed that

movie because he that was the same character

as all his other

movies yeah

it was so awful it’s

man can you imagine

like tim since

wayne’s world

like shrek’s

coming out i’m not a

shrek guy wayne’s

world was fucking genius

him and dana carve

were awesome i mean when when

those movies were on they were on

though i mean

those are great

great fun fun

movies but the new

stuff he does like i don’t even like the austin powers

movies i never got it i

like it’s not my shit

um did you hear

about the iphone leak

if you don’t know

about this the

iphone they have an iphone four that came out

and it’s like some

crazy ass new iphone with a

front facing camera

and well apparently some dude this is the

story and a lot of people

think that this is all bullshit and hype and it’s just

you know making the the iphone

story bigger

i personally don’t because i don’t

think apple

would ever release

a thing on purpose

you know and have people find it

a lot of companies do this though

a lot of companies

the viral marketing

nowadays that’s

being used on the internet is so amazingly

and like you

would not think of

the shit that’s happening like

chuckle down the reebok

commercial exactly

where he’s naked and all that

stuff i mean it’s

ridiculous i

could almost see this to

build hype with cell

phones because if you look

there’s a website called boygeniousreport com

and you could totally tell this guy’s in bed

or he was in bed with

blackberry at one point

like there was times

where it was like alright

you got this phone

like a year

ahead of anybody

else and you already have it and have already a

video of using it and

stuff like that

that seems a little fishy

that your friend just let you borrow it when

it comes out like a year later

and i almost

think it’s just

shit to be leaked out kind of like on the internet

they’re gonna see what people’s reactions are trying to

tweak things you know it’s almost like we’re

you know some

are getting

i’m sure so i don’t believe know

about this apple

thing though that just

seems it seems to me like the dude got

fired did he get

fired yeah he got

fired the police are involved now

you hear about the gizmodo

guy they broke down his

house they broke

down his fucking

front door took all his computers

recorder that recorded

yes well he got a copy of it they paid 5 000

for the for the actual phone

so they paid

money for the

phone and apparently

apple saying that that’s their

stolen property and you’re not supposed to be having

that reporting on it so they went to the guy’s house

who wrote this

whole report

broke down his

house took all

of his fucking computers took two servers

guy had servers in his

house that’s a

super geek yeah

well he is a

super geek i mean he

main editor of one of the biggest

tech websites

not only does he get free shit

what i’m more

interested in is imagine somebody coming to your house

taking your computer

and took everything that’s why it

freaks me out

because a computer

not to do with the cell

phone i think nowadays that’s one of the most scariest

things ever

ever is somebody can now come in and take your diary

and put it into

their database

your old diary

never would you ever

think like okay the cops just came and took my

diary now they know

everything about me

every feeling

everything i’m thinking

now that’s what our computers are diaries now

yeah you get all your

emails from like a fucking million

years so this guy bought an iphone and now his diary is

owned by the yeah

every photo he’s ever taken

all on his computers

like why do they

think that they

can just take your computers is it to get

a track tracking of the emails to see like you know i

think it’s an open door that the

history of any

if they can

they can pretty much is like

searching your car

cops want to search a car regardless

even if they’re

just trying to pull you over for a seatbelt

they want to

search a car and see what else they can find but

a lot of people are saying that this warrant was

unlawful and

that they shouldn’t have been allowed to it’s totally

unlawful are you sure

it’s a cell phone

somebody bought a cell

phone from another side

right but they bought a

stolen cell

phone a cell

phone that’s basically

stolen property i mean the guy who lost the cell

phone but it’s the property of apple

and it’s very sensitive

property because it’s a prototype yeah yeah yeah yeah

so i guess you’re

right but i think

basically they fucked up in

stealing the

phone or in buying the

phone what they

should have done is giving the fucking

phone back to

apple i mean

the company

doesn’t want you

reviewing their shit before it’s out yet i mean i don’t

think that’s

a huge request

if you know that it’s

their shit you’re doing something illegal i

think they more fucked up gizmodo

more fucked up just

letting everyone know who the guy who’d lost it is

putting his face on

their websites

and everything yeah

that’s fucked up man

well the dude though was

gonna get busted anyway

he doesn’t have his fucking

phone anymore

yeah really what they

should have done if they knew all this

shit is give him back his goddamn phone

i think or the way they

should have done is just like oh shit it’s just a cell

phone i would

chill the fuck out

what it’s got a

front facing camera now whoa

you know how dominus is all gonna

sound in october

we’re like yeah everyone’s got it now alright

chill if that’s

gonna crush

at amp t service

if you think at amp

t service sucks a big bag of dicks now

wait till that

front facing camera comes out and everyone

everywhere is

gonna be fucking you

streaming while they’re driving the car

talking singing the fucking black eyed

peas i got a feeling

that’s great

that tonight’s get there’s

gonna be a million

fucking people doing that all over the country

bring it on

like i’ve always said

that’s gonna be the end of the

world is when everyone has

their own channel

and everyone

basically is like a walking

television channel

and instead of like hey

what’s your fucking facebook page can i facebook you

what’s your twitter

it’s gonna be

what channel is your life

you’re gonna have a fucking helmet on

and there’s

gonna be a front facing camera that shows you

as you’re walking through the

world and you’re

gonna have a

video camera broadcasting

everything you do it’s kind of like what you

stream does and what

justin tv does

justin tv originally was called life

casting which was 24

hours a day

falling around justin

who had a camera

filming his

whole entire life do you remember

when we were in san francisco and justin tv was

gonna give us a laptop and a backpack that was really

weird connection that was really weird

so strange yeah

the dude who came to the show was so shady

and so he said

no we’re gonna hook you all up and then we go to

lunch and he goes this is the laptop

this is the camera

all right and then we like put it

back in his like what were we supposed to do there was

there well he was

gonna get it all to us

and we started making fun of it

and oh that’s right

we were like what if it cuts out this is

silly this we gotta

carry a backpack around like what am i gonna do

we decided that it was be

ridiculous they were like they wanted to like

broadcast shows and

i have enough problems with people

youtubing my shit before it’s done

at shows like

when you come up with new bits

you know like sometimes

when a bit like is out and it’s on a cd

you know that’s to me

when it’s an old bit

but if i got bits

that aren’t

they haven’t been on television

haven’t been on cd and you’re already seen that bit

you’ve seen it how do you seen it

so i saw youtube clip some asshole

in the audience is

videotaping it now

people are saying like

it’s old material my god damn it’s not even done yet

yeah it’s not done

you know like you can’t

so like when they were like what we want to like you

stream you know your

whole show mike you can’t you

stream my show

because when the material comes out

i want at least the

majority of people

you know to

watching the

television show

other than the people that have seen me in the clubs

i wanted to be new shit i wanted

the dvd to be all shit that’s not on another dvd

and it’s not

gonna work that way if there’s fucking

these you stream clips and

justin tv shows

everywhere and

so i thought the

whole thing was too much you know and it’s not that

entertaining to like

to broadcast

every fucking

thing you do i mean with this show

like i think

we sit down we do it for two

hours we bang it out and that’s it

you don’t want to just keep

having content

where you water down what people are

watching well you have

no personal

life there used to be a website called gabgab com

that used to be addicted to

which was about

maybe eight years ago it was this girl

named gabriel

gabriel and she’s an author in new york city

and she life

cast herself via webcam

where it would

refresh every 10

seconds oh god because

when the internet was new oh you

know that was actually kind of cool back in the day she

would have three cameras that

would just refresh

every 10 seconds

but i got addicted to

watching it because it was so weird

she would come home

talk to the

husband they

would make dinner

then they would

bring the camera into the bedroom and have sex

that’s the part i like the most obviously

you want some bang yeah you wasn’t

bang completely

naked was this when people couldn’t record things

right yeah this is way

before that

but it was so addicting and then one day she just left

and it felt like

she broke up with us you had a

time beating off just right yeah

like if you like turned it on there in the middle

oh one stroke 15

seconds later

stroke yeah

and if they stopped like someone stopped to answer the

phone or something like that

yeah i mean there was a show do you remember that

movie with william baldwin

i think it was like william

maybe sharon

stone or something

splinter i think it was called

it was about

those people that had their i

think that’s the

movie on that

was there wasn’t there a

movie where

these peoples all

their whole lives

before edtv

like someone

something along

maybe i’ve got the premise totally

wrong but like

something like

edtv is a perfect example remember edtv

i mean that

basically predicted the rise of the kim

kardashian type shows yeah

i mean basically that’s what that show was

and people in that

movie was like

so ridiculous the idea

that people

would just broadcast

their entire lives

like how ridiculous

like look at this and in the end the message was

that it’s too much yeah you

know the message was that it fucked up this guy’s life

right you gotta

stop doing it to get a shit together totally meanwhile

there’s more of

those goddamn shows than ever yeah they’re real now

yeah it’s funny how many things

from the past sliver

sliver that’s it yeah

it’s funny how many

things in the past were

that people predicted

are like a real part of life now that were like

ridiculous back then

like this idea of edtv

that’s a real part of our life now

you know i mean it makes you wonder

about like mad max and shit like that and

that i mean when peak oil comes and people are fucking

you know driving

biodiesel cars down the street

that they made

you know fucking corn fuel out of and

fucking shooting at people trying to get

fresh water

you know i wonder if that really

could go down like that

i think so i

could tell you

believe that

red band talk

about your tooth

they want fucking

brian missed

brian missed last week’s podcast because he was

have you ever

done that have you ever chipped

a tooth or a

filling fallen out of your

mouth and you

could feel the air go inside your

tooth and hit your

mouth feelings fall out

yeah it sucks

well you bit

a spoon right yeah

well yeah i’m used to

eating with plastic spoons but

i ran out of plastic

spoons so it went back to real

spoons and i forgot and i always chew

on the plastic

spoon why do you chew on a plastic

spoon like when i’m

on the internet or whatever i’ll just like chew

on you know like i’ll eat

yogurt and i’ll just be kind of like

chewy on the

spoon but i

forgot it wasn’t a plastic

spoon inside is my crunch and i’m like ah

that’s not smart dude he

shouldn’t be chewing on my it

still hurts i have to go back in a

month to get a real

thing that’s

ridiculous son

that’s not good

um what else i want to talk

about oh some dudes who said they

found noah’s ark

is this the same people that

found it no joe show one

is that people

yeah there’s

a is that was that joe show one joe show number one

yeah there’s

one that we did from atlanta

you can find

it on the internet if you can find it on redband com

right yeah or it’s show

show google joe show

all one word ark yeah

joe rogan noah’s

ark but anyway

there was a dude back then who said that he had

found noah’s

ark and now

apparently there’s a

group of evangelist that

claimed they’ve seen noah’s

ark have you seen the

photos of it no

it’s kinda interesting you

wanna see it i’ll show it to

you that’s so

stupid so you’re

gonna show me

photos of a boat

yeah it’s alright

i’m supposed to believe it’s a bigfoot

lived on this boat well you

never know stranger

things have happened

the crazy thing

about these ideas of

world floods

is that there was no

world communication

back then so how do you know that the

flood wasn’t just in your neighborhood

you know and you

think that it was a

you know you think that it was somewhere else

you think that it was everywhere around the

world like you really don’t have any idea

damn look at you and your following

hundred almost a hundred and ten yeah

109597 sun very nice

you know what’s

funny is my

space that i logged in the

other day and

i’ve been losing

friends like thousands and thousands at a time

yeah it’s ridiculous

everyone’s deleting

their myspace account i’m really

thinking about

maybe doing it i’m

thinking of deleting

mine too i just don’t want to remember those days

anyway that

is myspace days

yeah it’s pretty

silly right yeah it’s like having a kid that

you just need to cut off strings or something

i can’t find the

article oh wow

but i’ll look at a

picture of a boat

it’s it’s not even a boat it’s like some wood that they

found some wood

the funny thing is this one

picture that’s really

clear with this guy inside

it just says

this is noah’s

ark it’s pretty interesting because this guy

is standing inside something mm hmm

yeah see look at this photo

look at this what is that

this guy claims that that’s he’s inside noah’s ark

isn’t that a

photo from noah’s ark ministries international i’ll

throw this link up

if he just google it looks like my bases ark

if you just google they found noah’s ark you can see it

this is the noah’s ark

thing we’re talking about i hate that shit

it’s so it’s so annoying because i have certain uh

people in my

real life that believe all this shit

and so they put it on facebook and i have to like

it hurts me to read it you should

start trolling them i got

trolled by that girl that pretended that she

wanted to convert her friend to from being

the girl as a

hindu you know that video that i put online

her and her adobe friends are trying to convert

the hindu girl to being christian well

apparently it’s a giant troll

this girl’s got like it’s brilliant it’s really good

like she totally seemed

like it wasn’t over the top at all i mean it was like

it was very much like jesus camp or any of that

stuff that you know that’s real you know

so tell us kenny how much you need to tell

about your story

the story about

your situation with the religious people that go

wacky on you

about a certain thing in your life

let’s not talk about that

but you’ve got a lot of not

yet you got

a lot of religious people in your life yeah i got a lot

of and i’m doing the

exact opposite

of what they

would enjoy

and the two were combining

yeah exactly did you

did you watch the

fights this weekend

no i did not i didn’t even know

where to watch the

fights were they

it was pay per

view and it was a

was a very ufc

did it feel like the

ufc yes it felt exactly like the

ufc but it was

i don’t know

i don’t know

i would love to keep doing it man

doing commentary

for the lighter weights i

think those guys need more

they deserve more credit they’re more action packed

fucking those fights are

crazy and right now

they’re like in this like

shadow organization the

ufc it’s a small organization

doesn’t get nearly as much

attention as the ufc

and i wish we absorbed them

you know i wish we had

if it was up to

me i mean obviously it’s not there’s a lot of business

contracts and all sorts of jazz but it

would be the coolest

thing in the

world to be able to

call those lightweight

fights man uriah

favor fought jose aldo

in the main event for the featherweight title and

uriah favor got

he got beat up

guy kicked the shit out of his legs it’s incredible

fight if you

watch it was more incredible live

watching it

right because this dude just picked your i

favor apart man

he just your i favor

i mean some people gave him around i

think i don’t know what they were

thinking because

basically in my opinion although just dominated

every single

round and a certain

point in time just

just had a mounted in a crucifix just

punch him in the face for like a

minute and a half it was

ridiculous i mean he just

completely dominated

favor and favors a fucking beast man

beast just couldn’t stop the leg kicks leg kicks

kept kept coming

you know although

so goddamn fast

although used to be a real serious

soccer player too he played semi professional soccer

and those soccer players man they

have incredible legs like they can move really good

their foot works really good and they kick really hard

and he’s just so good at moving in and out

you know soccer is all

about moving side to side

quick moves to deal with the ball and

those guys that are real good at soccer man that really

translates well to be able to kick you know

throwing leg kicks

and getting out of the way of leg kicks

and just the ability to spring forward and spring back

soccer is a fucking

a tremendous

place to start

tremendous base

for certain types of fighting

especially for like muay

thai you know

you guys saying

t door teasing channel we already talked

about that bitch you’re

gonna have to go to the recording

wine that shit son

you can’t just be talking

about it over and over how lower

those leg kicks

the thing about leg kicks is though

you know goldberg’s always talk

about that it’s not slap it’s a thump

the ones that are really hard don’t they’re not as loud

because of like

say if you hit someone’s thigh

with your open hand like that and slap the skin of

their thigh it’ll be really loud

but if you hit

their thigh with a baseball bat it would be

like a meaty thump and the meaty thumps are

a lot more painful

what it is the shin

just digging

into the meat of the leg and it fucking hurts like hell

it’s you you really can’t appreciate

how bad a leg kick hurts

unless someone like kicks you someone good

you know you get like some fucking

melvin man hoof type character somewhere next

to whose type dude to slam a

leg kick in your

leg you realize like god damn it’s so fucking painful

and that’s what this guy’s

move was he just kicked his legs out from under him

until he was useless from the like

second round out he was pretty much useless

it was it was sad

you know that muhammad

south park thing

i really like how the the

extremeness website kept on getting hacked

did you see that

oh yeah yeah

yeah islamic

islamic yeah yeah what was

their name radical islam

they’re from new

york right yeah

fucking traitors ridiculous

the idea that you

i mean that’s

taken nutty to a

whole new level yeah

you can’t even show our guy

in a picture or will fuck not

even a drawing a

stick figure that even look like a

stick figure

did you oh you didn’t see it i didn’t see the

first episode they draw muhammad

and they pulled up for a

second it was just like a

stick figure but it was like a circle

a line and like some kind of wiggly

coming out of it

and it went like this they just

should like that

and that’s muhammad it’s

incredible it’s incredible that here we are in 2010

and there’s people out there that really believe that

you shouldn’t have a drawing that represents

their guy their messiah

their prophet

and the funny

thing is this fucking guy i said that once and this guy

emailed me hey dumbass

the reason why you’re not

allowed to is because they don’t want you worshipping

false idols and imagery

like okay i’m a dumbass

so you think it’s okay

to kill people because someone’s drawing some fucking

guy that may or may

not have even

existed you know

you can’t when you go back a

couple thousand years was muhammad like 1500 years ago

when you go back like

a thousand years plus

man who the fuck knows what really happened can i

use this real

quick yeah sure

i want to draw muhammad

real quick while you’re talking

don’t do it man you’re

gonna die no i want to draw

again too i don’t

know you don’t have anything to do

about this i have no

no no saying

i cannot stop him

all right is

this your muhammad

yes this is

brian’s version of muhammad

this version muhammad

is not sanctioned by u

stream no i

think it is sanctioned

didn’t they

they held up

invest this

no no they didn’t okay this is muhammad

that’s incredible yes

that’s very lifelike yes

here’s muhammad with a mustache

just in case i forgot

i guess drawing was probably way more

important a couple hundred years ago before

photos huh you

think everybody knew how to draw

i think people knew how to draw better

but you think

like if someone raped you you had

the oh the drama right

cause like how bad is people’s memory

how many people have

been arrested for shit because of eyewitness reports

and you know people make this

eyewitness report and then they arrest someone that’s

him that’s him and it turns out they were totally wrong

and then they apologized i’m so

sorry and the person does like fucking 15 years in jail

you know back then what the fuck did they do

what did they do back then

you know yeah they

they found the

stones that look like the raper this stone

not in this tree

his nose resembled it they just had a box of

stones which one looked most like your rapist

that’s like you know

i love people

that are like really into ufos and shit and like say

they talk about images that are on like cave walls

like ever seen

the images on cave walls they’re like flying

saucers and

aliens on the cave walls like

how do you know

those fucking

how do you know

those cave guys

didn’t just eat a mess of mushrooms that

they found trip

their balls off

just start drawing

loony shit that comes to their

mind what if it was like a children’s book for

their small kid

hey look the

man who come from this guy with free elk

you know you

don’t know what the fuck they’re drawing you

just found some

scribbles on a wall yeah

if you found some

of my drawings you’d be like what that guy look like a

there was people that

look like dicks get that you see that hand and that

not that one

below that the drawing pad

that’s some shit i

found from my high

school years

dude that’s awesome this is from when i was like 15

dude that’s

crazy yeah i

put some you need to scan all this shit in

yeah i put some

of it online

you are a hundred times better

than i i was and i did it all the time this is like

this is like from when i was a kid

it is a super cat huh oh shit

it’s like some shit that i drew

i used to draw a lot

that’s bad as loosely

used to that’s what i really used to want to be is

an artist for comic books

yeah 1982 so i guess i was 15 1982 yeah

i was eight years old yeah i was older than you son

i love how all your shits

monsters you’re so scared of monsters man yeah

goldilocks and two bears

i’m gonna have to do something with you

because i don’t really draw and anymore

i don’t here’s a wolf man one

i was always into werewolves

that’s why i was so bummed out that that benicio

del toro movie fucking sucks

because it did fucking suck like it didn’t happen

is that waterfalls you just

that’s ninja

so i give you this one

peeing on the bed peeing over the bed

ping from the bad ping

wait you drew

all that yeah i don’t know what the fuck what

it’s like describing other ways the way

on the bed is like seeing on the

this might been some that project that i had to do for

school i got like in trouble all the time because

when i was on the wrestling team i drew the

wrestling logo for our high school wrestling

team oh that’s cool

when i was i also drew the logo for

our school we had like t shirts

for newton south end lion so i drew the lion

i used to do that too i did the

worth the worthington

killborn official bungee jumping

shirt which is a cardinal bungee jumping that’s funny

but that’s another one that’s all

so that yeah that’s from a picture from there’s an old

i think it was long cheney jr

no i don’t know which one

which werewolf moving it was oliver

i don’t know which one it was

oh that’s badass dudes look how good it looked in

color you got a new color be

drew but before i get

something dumpty

humpty dumpty

the axe murderer

i drew a lot of answers you

should put all this shit in your book

yeah i’ll do something with it conan

that’s when i was into conan the barbarian

dude that’s now see that’s amazing

yeah that’s

another werewolf i was fucking obsessed with werewolves

for whatever fucking gay reason that’s hilarious

i just i’ve always

loved wolfman movies

the werewolf though wasn’t like your father or anything

no i think i was an

angry kid and

i was always obsessed with the idea that you

could i think it

would represent to me was like

you know that

you you could be calm and normal

and then some shit happens and just wow

right you know maybe

like that’s what i

wanted to do i wanted to fucking hulk out on people and

turn into a werewolf

go motherfuckers

i don’t know when you’re an

angry kid it’s

never good but i

totally wanted to be a

comic book artist

but my high

school art teacher was a douchebag

he was just suppressive and

annoying and unhappy and had no joy

it was no happiness this man

everything was

serious like his art was serious and

you know and he

would draw and i didn’t even

think he was that talented it was like

he would draw like boring shit you

know he would like draw like pears and

stuff you know like a bowl a fruit bowl

like hey faggot

you know i got a camera if i

wanna see fruit

right i’ll take that

picture you know

let me see it you got a

photo of wolverine

fighting spider man

no you don’t shut the fuck up

cause that’s what i like yeah

and he was telling

me that what i like was like juvenile

and then it was like

foolish and like my

and i was like you’re just suppressing what i like

you know i like

watching you know fucking

monster movies i like reading

comic books

is there something

wrong with that it’s just


hate when people pretend that their

entertainment somehow or another is like more valid

or more sophisticated just because it’s like serious

you know yeah

like people who love serious

movies like i don’t like

you know comic book

movies up serious

movies like

whatever man are you

learning something when you go to see like

like you know some depressing sean penn

movie are you

learning something when you go to see

those movies

learn to get in

touch with my emotions joe

it was that

river movie whatever the fuck

river runs through it

no the the sean pen one

bomb mystic

river mystic

river is that what it is

whatever but

it was like you know

and everybody’s like it’s such an important film like

what what what film is important

yeah okay they’re fucking

movies man you go to a movie you

enjoy yourself

you have a good time it takes you someplace

it gives you some thrills

you know you

use a lot of shit you don’t know what’s happening

things get resolved how’s this

gonna what’s

gonna go down

that’s all it is it’s fucking


and the idea that your

entertainment because it represents like

things that

happen in real life is somehow another superior to like

superheroes or

monsters like

please just

stop it i had a good art

teacher it’s

funny because

i’d get cs and ds in

every class because i

would sleep

except for art

which i straight a

took every class

but my teacher was cool and

a lot of my paintings

i look back and i’m

like wow she let me do this like one was called pool

table on acid

and she gave me an a

minus and it was

just a pool

table with a

monster coming out of it and

everything was melting

well why not

i didn’t have to draw

fruit she didn’t make me do any of that

teacher used to say shit to me

like you know like well you know what if you get a job

where you have to draw

a baby for a diaper commercial

i want to see you draw a baby for a diaper commercial

and i’m like oh man like you why you fucking

killing my buzz dude

draw a baby

for a diaper commercial like is that my future

right what i have to look forward to

yeah drawing diaper ass like he was like

really like

my dream was to do

comic book illustrations and he was telling me

basically you need to have

skills because you’re not

gonna reach

those dreams

and what if you have

a job that’s just you as an illustrator doing boring

stuff well you have to draw boring stuff

and i was like you fucking buzzkill

you know and this guy was just a dumpy

physically out of

shape unhealthy person

and he was just

just depressed all the time

and so i killed my


i only went for two years

to our class i believe it was

14 and 15 and i

think by the time i went into my junior year of high

school i think i said fuck that guy i’m

tired of this

this is annoying

so i just drew on my

own from then on that effectively killed my wanting to

go to school for art

i had like was looking at art colleges and shit and had


lined up and trying to figure out

where to go it was like the only

thing i had

a chance of getting any sort of scholarship in

but meanwhile it was just

teachers man you

know you don’t realize what a gigantic fucking effect

having a good or a shitty

teacher can have on you but

they’re cutting

their salaries over and over

again i just saw they’re not cutting it

again and i

think it’s teachers

should be one of the most important

things ever

up there with doctors yeah it’s gigantic

it’s amazing how we’re so

shorted when it comes

short sighted when it comes to that yeah

what is that

you’re raising the

child from the beginning that

should be the most important thing it

should be huge

people that can

influence your children

and people that say mean shit like i will

never forget i had a math

teacher in high school

who was just

fucking boring and the

class was boring and she was this

black lady who had a

black accent like she

would mispronounce words all the time she had terrible

grammar and yet she

would like shit all over you if you didn’t

understand her her

her math problems

and she was in there doing her math problem and i was

bored and i was

like drawing or something usually that’s what i did in

class i would draw all my notebooks something like that

and she goes

she looks up and she sees me not paying attention

so she goes mr rogan

would you like to come up here

and do both of

these problems for the

class and i said

do you want me to do both of

those problems

and everybody

started fucking howling

and so she said go down to the team’s office

right now i said okay

but when i get back i’m

gonna do both of

those problems

and everybody was

laughing she goes go ahead

laugh at mr rogan

mr rogan ain’t

going nowhere

he’s going nowhere in life

and i’m like at

least i know how to say both

and she was get out of my

classroom and she kicked me

out that’s so

awesome that was like the beginning of my time as a

stand up comedian because i felt like i was

defending myself like i wasn’t doing anything to you

i was just sitting there

scribbling in my notebook you know

i just wasn’t paying attention

cause i was

bored out of

my fucking head and i had problems with authority

but she just

you know liked to be

the lady to call on you if you ain’t paying attention

you know like she

would she would

get mad but i mean meanwhile this fucking

bitch could even

speak right

she said both

would you like to come up here and be do both

i will never forget it’s like

in my mind it’s like a

movie playing out

because the

anger in my head that this fucking dummy

was trying to make me look dumb in

front of everybody just

cause i was

scribbling and i wasn’t paying attention to your my my

opinion on math was always like

okay math is very essential but

don’t we have calculators now we do

and isn’t there like an endless

supply of batteries there is

done right like i’m done

there’s only a finite

amount of things to pay attention to in the day

and i don’t give a fuck

about these

wacky equations that you’re making me

solve and figure out i know how to add

i know how to

divide i know how to multiply like is it or are we gone

done here do i have to keep going

is this really gonna

you’re making me be a

fucking square peg and fit into your fucking round hole

you know it’s like i’m not

i don’t want to do what you want me to do

like this is nonsense

it’s weird nowadays i can’t even imagine

going to school with google

cause then i’d be like no i don’t

wanna learn it i could just

search it if i need it i don’t get what you

do dude that was a problem i used to

watch a lot

of documentaries even when i was a kid and i got in

trouble again like people

would say like you’re a comedian were you a

class clown

like i was not really

class clown

what i used to do though is draw a lot

of cartoons

about our teachers

like getting involved doing shit and we have this one

teacher that was

really annoying mr holman

and h o l m a n

very serious but he was

wrong about a lot of shit

and i was you

know i was fucking fifteen years old and i was

in class and i was

again bored out of my fucking mind he had a science

class but at

least science

class is a little more interesting

and he started going on

about lake erie

lake erie’s a dead lake and this and that it

started talking

about all the

pollution that’s involved in lake erie

and i said well actually

i just saw a documentary that was on pbs it was talking

about the resurgence of lake erie

about how lake

here they’ve worked very hard to filter out the

water and they’ve done all

these different

things to cut down the

pollutants and

they’ve seen a resurgence

in the fish

population and he got

all fucking mad at me

and i was like have

you seen this documentary he goes no this is not true

and i’m like

it’s not true it’s on pbs i

watched it last night

i’m like oh man alright so

you’re just like them so the next time we’re in class

he had like these

things that

would pull down like projection

screens and

i pulled the projection screens up

and i drew cartoons of him

and then i pulled the projection screens

down and covered them

so he went to draw on the chalkboard

and as he pulled the

chalkboard up there’s all these fucking cartoons of him

like saying

wacky shit and he had this

thing that he would do like

he would do this crazy thing with his hands

where he would move his hands like this

and then i had this other

teacher mr white and he was only like five foot two

so i drew him all the time but

every time i drew him i drew him standing on something

he was standing on a box or

standing on a chair or standing on a stool

and i drew it just like him

it’s so funny dude

and i had one an anthropology teacher who

was obsessed with jane goodall and the

monkeys you know jane goodall lived

with chimpanzees

so i drew this one kid who was this football player

who’s a nice kid but he was always kissing her ass

cause he wanted her to like him

so you get better grades

so i drew him banging her and

like who i can look like her look like him and i drew

him banging her saying you

know she was like oh give it to me

monkey style

and i passed it around the

class you know

like i got suspended

on two separate occasions for drawing cartoons

that’s fun i got sent home for drawing

cartoons me too

that’s the only

thing i would normally get in

trouble for i

would do the same

things but with overhead projectors i would

draw like dicks and

penises if there was an indian guy in our class i’d

always make

fun of his farts because he had really bad farts

and then one time they pulled the

whole class out and they’re like

all right omar

has really bad gas because of his diet

and it’s not funny

and if you guys make fun of it anymore

you guys are all

gonna be in

trouble i remember this speech

so of course then i only drew omar

for the rest of the year

after all this indian guy farting on people and

stuff like that how

ridiculous is

that you telling kids not to make fun of farts

cause it’s not fun i know

how disingenuous is that

you cannot tell someone that farts aren’t

funny as soon

as you say farts aren’t funny

i’m not listening to you anymore

cause you’re not being honest with me

you can say farts

don’t smell

can you imagine if you love

smelling farts there’s people that do

that’s like fart porn have you ever seen fart porn

yeah you’re

right there’s fart porn

where dudes get their head

right in girls faces and girls fart in

their mouths

god i’ve got such a hard on now

i mean we’ve talked

about this before

about how your farts

smell awesome

but other people’s farts

smell terrible yeah it’s you your farts

smell the best

except once in a

while one lets out that you’re like ashamed and

i had one the other day it’s pretty bad

never not one by myself really

one by myself it’s always like

i was smelling my own farts

enjoying it everybody does that i

think even girls do that they just don’t admit it

girls cut farts oh damn

but what is that i mean why is there an evolu

i mean it’s got

to be something if everyone does it like what is it i

think it’s like your body sitting out like a

spray for mating but it’s

probably from

exclamation what

what a ridiculous theory

it’s that you won’t knock up and get pregnant you suck

your own ass

stick your own dick in your own

fucking awesome

i wanna make myself

what no but why do you

think that people like their own farts why is that

someone knows it

about that because it’s like

it’s food that you ate already so

this guy says it’s called peka the urge to eat

smell eat random

things i thought i think peka is actually right yeah

it’s people that have mineral deficiencies to the

point where they’re eating

paint and dirt and

how do you think that they should

how weird that would be eating dirt just

like craving it like i need this dirt

can you imagine well i almost think

the brain could easily be wired wrong yeah you think

about all the different connections inside people’s

brains now think of people like

my friend john jacques machado

my original jiu jitsu instructor

he was born without

his one hand

his left hand

he doesn’t have all of his fingers

his left hand only has like a thumb and like nubs

you know and that’s how he was born

yeah it’s some i mean i don’t know what it was exactly

some sort of a disease but he’s born without fingers

if you’re born without fingers

you could be born with

crazy connections in your head that make you love

other people’s farts you know

you know what i’m saying

i mean it’s possible i mean

we look at like

autism and what they don’t

understand about autism but some people who have autism

could do crazy

things like there’s a child

that can see a

place like let’s look out the window at

a city and then draw the city in

exact detail

like down to the fucking

street signs and down to the alleyways

image incredible

there’s videos of

online doing it i mean he can just look at an

image of a place

or go to a place and see something

and just completely recreate it in his mind and

he has a version of autism

you know it’s like the

whole rainman thing

it’s like what is that like what

how you know what the fuck is

going on that you can see

something and

record it like exactly but you and i have no chance

i mean if i had to draw my backyard it

would be all off

and i’ve been in my backyard

a fucking thousand times but if i had to draw it

would be all

fucking wonky

yeah you know

what the fuck is that i don’t know it’s really

weird i know a friend that is that a friend’s

uncle is that

i met him once you got

toasted yeah i met him once

and he’s always like talking

about like how he used to sit on his mom’s

shoulders during parades and

stuff like that he met me once though and then

every year he can’t stop exactly talking

about me to her she’s like

where’s brian at

brian said he was

going to the

store this one time

remember everything

about me he buys me gifts

you know we

broke up a long time ago so

he’s like dude he bought you gifts and he knows

everything about you he

won’t stop talking

about you but then wow

it’s so weird

dude wants to fuck you

dude wanted me

that’s strange man i mean it’s like

the potential of the

human mind you know do you

think it’s because

there’s obviously some sort of a

disconnect socially

with people that have autism do

you think it’s sort of like one of

those things

where people who can’t see can hear incredibly

you know it’s like when you are missing one

sense your other

sense is like


yeah i just i don’t know because

sometimes i think

things like that or i

think what if

he knows exactly

everything that’s

going on but his

mouth doesn’t work kind of like when you’re so fucked

up and you’re trying to say something it was like

you can’t give your

you know what are you

thinking out

in right maybe

and i’m like

that’s it that’s but they’re unaffectionate

like that’s the

thing with them

there’s a social

disconnect and

a real disconnect

i mean where

they don’t express themselves they don’t

smile as much they don’t make eye contact as much as

other kids do

you know but in so doing that

and in doing that they have this incredible focus

like i have a friend whose

child his son has a mild

form of asperger’s was like an autism

type of thing

and his son is a

jiu jitsu wizard the kids are an assassin

i mean he’s really

really fucking good like goes out of head to head with

world champions he’s like really really good

and one of the reasons why

he’s really good is he has this intensive ability to

focus on things

and he’s not so good socially he

doesn’t have a

girlfriend not so good at

having buddies

but goddamn get on the mat with that

motherfucker he remembers

every move he’s

countering your moves and

advancing and moving forward

and he taps like really high level

black belts all the time

you know it’s like

autistic doesn’t necessarily mean

super super intelligent

doesn’t necessarily mean you know

some sort of a rain man type

genius but it has the potential

it which makes me

think i wonder if it’s you know

almost like there’s so many people that

are autistic dude it’s like one out of a hundred now

you know and it’s advancing over the years

i wonder if it’s possible that you

know i mean people say that it’s due to environmental

conditions it

could be due to

pollution it

could be due to diet it

could be due to the hormones in our food

there’s a bunch of different

like theories on what

causes autism

but if it’s happening in much

greater numbers than it ever has before and that’s

debatable as well because some people say it’s not

there’s just

more people

are diagnosed as being autistic now because they’ve

changed the diagnosis but that’s

under debate as well

but what if

it’s sort of a next

stage of evolution

what if emotions and dealing with

the way human beings have always been

really emotional

and what if that’s not

going to be necessary in the future

what if that’s

slowly being phased

out because

human beings don’t have to use our

fight or flight

you know reflexes and instincts anymore because

you know we’re not running from fucking saber to

tigers and shit

basically we’re just dealing with

civilized society

and that society becomes more and more civilized

and as society becomes

more and more modern

more people are born with this detachment from emotions

and one of the reasons why i thought this is because of

amish people

and amish people live

their life in a very

traditional old

school sort of a way

you know it’s kind of a fucked up

wacky religion but

they drive around the horse

driven buggies and they

build their own houses and

you know and

i don’t know if they even use electricity

some of these some of

them use electricity some of

them driving regular cars some of them have real jobs

in an amish

it just depends what kind of homage they are

right but the

the whole premise originally was that

these people

lived like a certain

group of people live

hundreds of years ago

well they have a much much much lower

history or much lower numbers of autistic children

much lower it might be just something like cell phones

and the signals of cell

phones and beepers and all the shit that

started that’s making it increase or it

could just be like splinda

it could be something we’re not even thinking about

we don’t know and that’s what’s

pretty as pertaining

shit like that

it could easily be

we don’t know i mean

the only way to do

that you know there’s a lot of

theories about you know

you know people say that uh

there’s a lot

of people there’s a lot of anecdotal evidence

about vaccinations

and there’s a lot of people say there’s no

scientific connection

whatsoever and people always want to jump on that and

you wear tinfoil

hat with this

whole thing

about autism

what people

don’t realize is thousands of people have been paid

off by the autism

court of america because of

i don’t remember the

exact title of the

court but i believe it is autism

court not autism

court excuse me vaccination court

is like the

let me find the exact

number in the exact

theory because

one of the kennedys i

think robert kennedy jr

is heavily involved in this shit and

a lot of people have been paid off by vaccine

court because

and it’s in the thousands of families

because of their children suffering from

brain damage

after being

vaccinated that they had

brain swelling and

brain damage and they received

sizable reward from the courts

now if that’s really true

how do we not know that you know you’re not damaging

other shit with vaccinations

especially like

heavy duty vaccinations

with through marisol and all that

stuff that’s been linked i mean the

stuff that they removed from

from vaccines

it’s a real

heavy debated

issue because people don’t want to think a

people have had

to their children

vaccinated they don’t want to

think that they’ve done anything

wrong to their children

and people who have children that are autistic

they want to

blame someone and so they try to

blame the vaccination but the

the bottom line

is you know you’re injecting chemicals into your baby

when you’re

not even supposed to give kids fucking peanut butter

you’re not even supposed to give

babies peanut butter because they

might have a peanut allergy

right but yet you can

shoot them up with all

these fucking chemicals

yeah you know i don’t know you know this whole

jenny mccarthy

debate no and she’s running around saying that you

know vaccinations

cause autism to the kids but i have friends that say

their kids were normal we have a friend that we know

that say his kid

got the measles

mumps and rebellion

and then instantly

was different

like instantly

became detached

got fucking

weird and the kid has some serious autism now

whether or not it’s connected or whether or not

he had a pre

existing condition that was exacerbated by

those vaccinations that’s possible as well but

who the fuck knows what’s causing all this shit it

could be you know just the amount of

pollution the higher

levels of carbon dioxide in the air it could be

you know the preservatives in food it

could be you know it

could be a bunch of shit

but it also

could be the


it could be the fact that as

civilization progresses the need to have all

these emotions

and the need to

exist the way people have always

existed is morphing

it’s changing

you know we’re

gonna be like fucking aliens

i mean if you think

about like all the depictions of

aliens in science fiction

the advanced

aliens they’re always

super unemotional

take me to your leader

you know it’s like that type of shit

it’s like we kind of inherently know

that emotions are sort of holding back progress

and as human beings become

super technical

or super technologically evolved

that eventually we’re

gonna get to a

point where we’re not irrational and emotional

know and you think

about like the shit that happened with that

crazy girl that got you arrested

like what was that it’s nutty emotions like

chaos and emotions

you know you think

about almost all murders that’s why japanese people

never have domestic violence issues

well they do have jack

they do that’s silly

do you don’t even have any issues to support the sun

i mean

you know but you think

about that like when we think about like alien life

super advanced alien life you know

the guy from the day that

earth stood still he’s always super

stoic and unemotional

yeah you know

i mean we kind of inherently know

that that is the future

that that’s where we’re headed and that’s autism

i mean it’s kind of a fucked up thing to think

but i mean maybe all

these people like one out of a hundred have autism

and the debate as to whether or not it’s been

you know just

they’ve changed the diagnosis

i don’t know if that’s the case and i don’t

think you know either

a debate as to what is causing it

look the only

way you know what’s causing it is you take the

exact same biological

human being

you do a bunch of shit to him

he has autism

you go back in time you try

it without the shit you see if he develops autism you

start removing things

other than that

i mean it’s just speculation when you’re dealing with

these kind of numbers

one out of a hundred i mean

these are pretty significant numbers

you know you have a thousand people you

have a hundred autistic kids you know that’s nutty man

that’s crazy you got a hundred thousand

there’s a lot

of goddamn people have you ever seen retard porn

there is a retard

porn yeah you’re seeing it

what if they do retard fart porn

would that be like

oh retard fart porn be awesome

no it’s weird because like retard porn

you feel like you’re

watching something

illegal but then you’re like wait this is an adult

then you’re like wait he

doesn’t really

know he’s getting fucked with a dildo in his asshole

no they do dildos oh

dude i saw some the

other day some hardcore retard porn

where this girl who was also retarded

was shoving a dildo up this retarded guy’s asshole

and the girl seemed like more retarded

but the guy

i don’t know it’s so

weird and i

started watching i’m like

what it’s awful

i don’t ever

watch it don’t ever watch it

you know that’s the

thing about

we talked about porn like who buys porn today

the problem is like fucking nobody’s buying porn

so to make money in porn they

gotta go deep

well you know porn always has

these walls that they hit and they

always come out of it because when the bottom line is

there’s always

gonna be porn you

know but how do you make

money though when there’s so much of it already

on the internet you know it’s really amazing how

like movies and

stuff like that are having a hard time getting their

videos off the internet

but if you try to find like a movie

like if you want to find this a certain

movie in porn

a lot of these websites all work together like

these you porns and

stuff like that

they’ll give you a 30

minute 30 second

clip or something like that but they’re keeping the

majority of their main

movies off all

these websites

which i found

real amazing what do you mean like

if you’re trying to find

a jenna jameson

movie a two hour jenna

jameson movie

compared to seeing avatar okay

so but you can get an unbit torrent easily yeah

but you know

how many porn stars are there not on bit torn really

it’s not the same as like pirate bay

you know porns harder to find

bet you’re wrong

i bet if you go to news

groups and shit i bet they

trade shit at a

rapid rate i

think you’re just not

obsessed it’s just not

there as much that’s what i’m saying

i mean you can go to pirate bay has a lot of porn

they have porn on

some porn but it’s not pirate

pirate bay is not

about porn though it’s only

about like wares and it’s

about movies

music video

files about

everything it really is about porn

but it’s not the same percentage of porn like 25

of everything on the internet is porno

i’m just saying that

the main the

thing that porn’s getting into the most i

guess nowadays

is having personal websites so if you find a girl

i see if you have

a girl like

so and so down the street

yeah you become a

member for nine

bucks a month and you get her

in a webcam

just sitting there playing with a butthole

you know yeah that’s like the big deal

right as webcam shows

for those girls

they have the facebook page

like that girl that’s on

our message board

crazy amber

yeah crazy amber

literally makes her living

by doing like

live webcam shows and she’s a

founder she’s one of the

first girls to ever do hd

video on the internet for

yeah she wrote

about on our website remember

she had like a

press release

like six years ago yeah

hd 2004 yeah

yeah she’s a pretty fucking she’s heavily tech

check associated

yeah she’s i don’t know what her

website is a

crazy amber

calm or ambers

amateur hardcore

calm something yeah

just look up

crazy and you’ll find her

if you want to find her to find her she’s

crazy amber on the rogan board

if you don’t know what the rogan

board is i got a forum that has like

it’s almost like

three million

it’s up to posts on it it’s a pretty wild form any

fucked up news anything that’s

going on anything that’s

crazy any new

video that came out anything that

anything bananas

is on forums joe rogan

net the rogan board

if you get on the

board and you sign up and you

could be a member anybody

could be a member but

if you’re a dickhead if you act like a retard

we pink you

and what pink you is is there’s two forums

there’s one forum

that’s the regular forum it’s called shit talking 101

and there’s another forum

that’s called special ed

and what special

ed is is when

you are too fucked up you need too much attention

you cause too much trouble

start fucking

you know just

harassing people and being annoying

starting dumb arguments a

stalker i’ve noticed

with twitter is a lot more creepy

stalkers than i thought they

there’s just a

bunch of people out there that are fucking nuts and you

wouldn’t ordinarily let them into

your life and now because of the internet you know they

get into your life and you got to figure out a way to

filter them

you know i mean look

sometimes we have this chat here

and i look at the chat and sometimes

people are just

constantly saying dumb annoying

stupid shit over and over and over and over and over

again but the beautiful

thing is you just

click on them and ban them

you know and that’s the beautiful thing

about twitter too like some people twitter you

stupid shit

and all they’re trying to do is get your attention

that’s all they’re trying to

do but what’s

scary is like there’s

a few people that they wake up from the morning to

sleep every

three minutes

writing a message

you’re like this is what this person’s life is

no like on twitter

oh yeah like some of

these people really

creep me the fuck out well it’s

given them a direction

too it’s given some people

something to do

something to

look forward to they get to interact with you know all

these different

human beings man like that slurp out

girl that you guys always talk

about what are you doing

you talking shit

she’s right there

she fucking

has the one sided


she’s been trying to fuck me for the last two

months just fuck her dude why is it

i have not said one word to her but every

every day she goes

right i want to fuck your face are we gonna

you’re handsome fellow she wants some dick

i don’t see anything

wrong with that it’s called

she’s just forward she’s a forward young lady

but you know what’s

funny is like

i follow her sometimes

and she’s like having fallen conversations with jenna

jameson like

right back and forth and i’m like that

goes back and forth yes

what do you

think of the goldman

sachs case do you know about that

you know what golden

sax is now golden

sax is a gigantic bank that’s getting sued now

by the federal

government is actually looking into him they’re

gonna bring the

court and they’re

gonna they’re

gonna try them

and figure out how the fuck they defrauded people they

shorted what they did was they they sold people a

bunch of they told people to buy

things and then they

banked against it

so they told people that what

shorting means is

like say if you

decide that

you know you look at the

market and you say okay this company is

gonna take a shit they’re

gonna fall apart

but you keep selling

that company to your clients

you keep telling them hey you

should invest in

this company because this company is a good investment

but meanwhile you’re shorting

which means you’re betting that that company is

going to fail on the side

and they made tons of

money they basically fucked over

their customers

and manipulated the whole

system and made fucking

hundreds of billions of dollars for this

there’s this guy matt

tyebe he’s been writing

about this in

rolling stone magazine

fascinating and infuriating articles all

about the corruption that’s involved in

wall street

and it’s fucking

mind blowing that they can

still pull that shit off in 2010

you know this is one

thing i said on

stage this weekend i’ve been talking

about this a lot

like you know when people talk

about well you don’t

understand the economy is complicated

here’s what i don’t

understand there’s the same amount of fucking people

okay there’s same amount of shit

the same amount of metal

same amount of

materials same amount of people buying things

where the fuck did

all the money go

what happened

well the stock market

crashed and the housing

market was inflated and fell but

what the fuck are you even saying

what does that mean

to me that means that the

system’s bullshit

it means the whole

system is fucking nuts i

think everyone knows that

system’s bullshit

though i don’t know why you’re such a president but

it’s not that i’m surprised

what i’m surprised of is that it keeps going

it’s what we’ve talked

about this before that our

system is like

our culture our

system of government is like windows 98

windows ninety five with like a hundred viruses

and we’re just

throwing patches at it trying to fix

things trying to work around stuff

but that’s really what it’s like it’s like this

ancient fucking

stupid system that

doesn’t work

and it crashes all the time it’s got all these bugs

and it’s filled with corruption

you know and yet still

there’s no solutions for it

move to an island

what can you

do you can’t even move

you can’t even move son what are you

gonna do over there for work

you gonna fucking pick coconuts

how about you

going back to manual

you would be so happy

people that talk about like

how they hate society the way it is

right now you

would be so fucking

happy if you

moved to an

island you had to work for a living to come back here

you’d be so

happy to go back to

where life was and just pay 28

i remember when i was in high

school and i was on vacation in myrtle

beach which is the

whitest trashiest

vacation ever

but i remember talking to this guy and all he did

every day was open

up this like little shack that looked like a grass hut

and make margaritas for people

and he just sat there

every day i

think we were

i was talking to him i’m like you did this

every day he goes

fuck yeah i see the hottest

chicks i sit here on the beach

i do nothing but make

drinks man it’s the

greatest life ever i’m like

i love this guy i was like

he makes just enough

i mean he probably

could never make

enough to buy like something huge or anything

but he gets by

right he gets by he probably relies on credit and

stuff but that as a life to me i was like oh you just

pretty much do what you like to do

you know i don’t

know yeah there’s an argument for that man there’s

definitely an argument for the dude that

checks out becomes like an ex patriot

moves to costa rica

sits on the fucking beach and

drinks margaritas while the

world explodes in the distance

yeah i mean there’s an argument for that my dad’s

about to retire he’s

60 something just

about to retire this year

and i’m like aren’t you scared that you know you’re not

gonna have any income coming in at all and he goes

it’s kind of

scary but i’ve

saved up so much and i’m like yeah but

you could have one hospital

thing fuck your life up

and then now you have to go back to work like 20 years

later and you’re

gonna be out

of the loop working at fucking grocery stores

trying to pay for your wife to buy new diapers for her

you know and that

freaks me the fuck out

how much does your dad have

saved up i mean how

many years worth of

money i’m not really sure but it’s probably i’m

it’s over a million i

would imagine

got over a million dollars

yeah yeah i

think that’s what you

see i don’t under

are you sure

yeah yeah i know

but i don’t think

so you’re that

smart yeah but still but

nowadays a million dollars

and you go to the doctor and you get fucking chemo

you’re paying like

two hundred thousand dollars you know or something like

that definitely

make sure you keep up on your health insurance yeah

that’s scary to me it is

scary he can

he can because he

could live another 50 years

how old you dead

62 or something like this

fuck is your dad gonna live

up to years

well i mean

you know you know what i’m saying

he’s never gonna die too

he’s never gonna die

he’s my daddy

no he couldn’t live 40 years what

does he want to do like when he retires does he have a

thing that he wants

to do he likes he’s just like me but

they didn’t have computers so he does

everything else with like


building things

so like he’ll make like a hot tub

in his living room

you know that

build his own yeah he’ll

build like the

whole living room and hot tub just for fun

oh wow cool

well things like that

that keep people

happy man hobbies and things do

maybe he can invent something and sell it

maybe he should concentrate

on trying to do that well he’s been trying to

break with a

perpetual motion for the longest time so he has all

these perpetual motion

machines in his basement

and you go in there and it’s just magnets with bikes

sickle tires and like

and he’s got like 15 patents he builds

things all the time but see that it’s like he builds

a computer that gets rayed

on out of your

bathroom you know and then you’re like what’s

rate on gas

yeah well why

doesn’t he just

i mean that seems like a really

promising alan in pursuit

is that creative

maybe he should just

think about that

think about

retiring and

using all his

time to try to come up with some new way to make income

right that’s not totally you need to

make something yeah why not fuck it man

dude you know better to take that chance at 60

then 60s that we said he was

better to take

that chance at 60 than to take that chance when

you’re fucking you’re almost dead and you’re like god i

should have done something interesting

you know what if he

what if he makes it and when falls on he

starts making a good living off of something he created

oh yeah that’s awesome

get up at noon

and fucking go to the coffee shop and you

know check this out

check this how

crazy sometimes

things happen in life you know

they were supposed to come out and

visit me next

month and he was

gonna retire the following month

and my stepmom was thinking

about retiring

the following

month and then i

broke up with my relationships

so they decided not to come

the following day

after deciding not to come

they’re getting late my stepmom’s getting laid off

but because she had like over a week

of vacation

time set aside

that she’d never use

they have to like

force some kind of like

year pension

plan or whatever

the bottom line is

just because she didn’t they didn’t take that vacation

she gets paid for a year for no reason

whoa an extra year

so if she would have

visited me and bought that ticket

she would have

been screwed

ah the corporate world

i love women

out do you believe in fate and

stuff like that and like

things that happen for a reason do you believe that you

think everything’s

kind of set out and you really can’t change it

it’s easy to be cynical

about that idea but

it also seems

sometimes like it almost seems like life is scripted

you know and in your situation

i think it seems

like it’s sometime in my situation in my life

sometimes it seems so

ridiculous that it almost seems like

we are living our own movie

right you know that

that you know that and and the more

gonzo the fucking news gets the more

bizarro you know

our culture gets the more it seems like a

movie the more it seems like

it almost seems fake

it almost seems like we’re living in a dream

you know and

if you look at like some of the

things that happened to certain people

you go well what’s it attributable

to is it is it can you attribute it to

the fact that they have

lived a positive life and so good

things are happening to them and is it

karma so is

karma real because that’s like one of the

trippiest spaceiest of

notions ever

so is that what’s really going on

or is it because there’s a

grand plot to life

is it because life is like

a gigantic mathematical equation there’s like a set

there’s a set result that’s

going to happen no matter

what that’s all working towards that set result and

you getting a certain

job and you meeting a certain person is all part of the

grand plan of the universe

it’s fucking

weird it is weird it’s

you can’t say one or the other

you can’t say yes

i believe in fate and fate is real

i mean you should consider it

but you also

can’t say fate’s not real and you decide your

own destiny because i don’t know if that’s true either

you know i mean we are a

weird combination of biology

of life experiences of

genetics you

know there’s a lot of shit going on

know how you interpret the life

experience the people you come in contact

with that help you rethink the way you look at things

i mean how many

people have you ever met that inspire you

and literally change the way you think

about those

all the time

it makes me

wonder if i was supposed to meet this person

and go through this experience

and like a lot of times i just want to

like i feel like that lost

sound is going on in the back of

you know because

it just seems like it’s just like that like it’s just

a weird like

some shit just seems fake

i think a lot

of it is because you’re living your life the

right way yeah i think

a lot of as you live in real life positive

you’re not being shitty to anybody you’re not creating

karma is a real thing

definitely i

believe for

sure believe

karma is there that’s why this fuck that’s ratting out

larry king’s wife yeah he’s

gonna get it shit’s

gonna hit the fan for you son

he’s gonna have nipple cancer in two weeks

it’s gonna get ugly

i don’t know i don’t know if it’s true and i

think you know it’s one of

those subjects

where people are very

polarized on it

you know that some people

will people will argue like

vehemently that

their size correct

because it’s sort of like

like a windows

versus mac argument

you know it’s like a religion

versus atheism argument it’s like

you know people want to be correct

they choose a

stance they choose a camp that they’re in

you know and

fate is one of the weird ones

i’m open to

the idea that there’s a fate i’m open to the idea

that life really

is like some sort of a gigantic equation

and that it’s moving toward something i don’t know

i try to keep an open mind

about all that

stuff because i

think as soon as you

decide that you

have the information one way or another you’re being

silly yeah because you’re

gonna block off

and only hear what you want to hear

and then you’re

not living the right ride

i mean we have friends that believe in nutty

things and we’ve had conversations with

these friends that believe in nutty things and

you can tell they are not even considering the fact

that these nutty

things that

they believe in are in fact just nutty things

that’s a disconnect

you know and

you said it best when you said you’re not keeping

everything on the table

that’s rule number one

rule number one you have to keep it all on

the table and even when you have 100

everything on the table you

could possibly put on the table why even bothered

taking the table away you know if something comes up

right there should be no reason exactly

we get married to

an answer a yes or a no a side

of for against

you know i mean

it’s like religion it’s like anything else

human beings are very insecure

and you know our life

inherently is insecure and because of that i

think we try to

we try to put

things in a box

so that we can deal with

them well they’re in a box there it is we’ve got it

labeled it’s

wrapped up okay

okay god is not real it’s in that box

let’s move on

okay do we like

windows or we like mac i say windows mac is

for faggots

put it in the box we move on we’re

not for faggot

you’re getting to this is just

well for idiots

idiots like

that you know

i don’t know i think

i think we hit two

hours yeah i think

this is good we’re

gonna end on a

positive note

ladies gentlemen

so thank you very much for

tuning in when you come back next week we will have a

couch we will have better cameras we have

new video cameras coming in

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this week’s itunes will be as we said from

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and it’s supposed to be the best one that you can buy

so hopefully that will be the case so to be clean

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again thank you very much everybody we

appreciate the shit out of it

thank you for

tuning in we will see you next week tuesday as always

joe rogan on twitter red band

yeah and my

twitter is now just joe rogan it’s not joe rogan

net anymore it’s just joe rogan all right

later bitches

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