Bam Bam all right we’re live

ladies and gentlemen with a whole new setup

yeah yeah we’re late listen man

I’m very irresponsible

you know it’s

gonna be really cool when we get something

right back here

that’s the next step

we’re trying to figure out what to put right back there

most likely it’s gonna be a green screen

cause I’m looking at this right now I’m like how dope

would it be if we were in fucking

space right now yeah

we could have like Captain Kirk

like shit behind us like also

but we have a real desk

we have real

microphones now

so the iPhone

version and iPad and I whatever the fuck you use mp3 is

gonna be much better much clearer

and we’re fucking

fired up we

are not sponsored by Starbucks this is just coincidence

that we have to

happen to have that but

we have had an offer for our very

first sponsor

and it is the

flashlight awesome

I got I got some

funny to tell you Joe by the way hold on a

second we gotta tell people alright so the

flashlight is

if you don’t know what it is

if you’re you’re not an online type person

it’s a very

famous device

that you can fuck

and one of the reasons why it’s

famous is because it’s supposed to feel really good

supposed to feel like way better than your hand

yeah and the

other reason is that there was that

that thing that was online like I accidentally the

whole flashlight

what was that

is a guy pranking

I think it was a customer service

rep that saying

only is something that

he is a flashlight or

something like it was really bad I accidental the whole

flashlight yeah

yeah I was like

lol cat yeah

well this guy I never

watched that or heard that

thing I remember it but I do remember that that

flashlight thing got

stuck in my head

because of that because

everybody kept saying it

and it just

it’s like one of

those things

where like you hear

about it so

often on the Internet just because of that so when

they contacted me I was like wow that’s kind of cool

then when he told me that he sponsored

Kevin smith’s podcast

I’m like wow that’s

super cool like he’s

gonna do our podcast and Kevin

smith’s podcast that

sounds fucking badass

and then we met the dude and Chris was a

super cool guy

and you know

just a real

chill dude that you

could hang with like

a normal guy and he was

really kind of a spiritual guy too

which is kind of interesting because we were talking

about the porn side and how

you know porn is kind of

gross you know there’s

a lot of porn now that you don’t really necessarily

want to be associated he was either

really good at his job researching

you because he seemed like your long lost brother

because he was

like pulling out documentaries you didn’t even know

about it was

really know but

well it was the

weird like you guys

would that be good

yeah if you guys were gay you’d be perfect perfect

lovers perfect

lovers yeah

yeah he was

a real bright guy man we talked

about Miyamoto Musashi we talked

about different schools of

philosophy different books that he’s read yes different

different volcanoes he knew about some

super volcanoes

exploding in the past that I didn’t even know right

we gotta get him on

the show for sure yes

definitely he

unfortunately he lives in Austin

but the next time we’re in Austin what will do is we’ll

bring our equipment and

everything and set up in Austin

or we can move there

I fucked up I fucked up moving to Colorado

for a bunch of reasons

one cause Mrs Rogan can’t fucking

drive in the snow which is just

a it’s not good

and if you know Mrs Rogan

that’s not something that I’m

gonna be comfortable with her

learning really quickly

just that doesn’t seem like a good move

just fucking

moving where it freezes

and shit gets dangerous and sliding into trees and shit

and then when the dog got eaten by the mountain lion

that like that killed it yeah

otherwise Austin would have been

great and if I anyway the point is if Austin was great

we would definitely hang around with Chris totally

but what’s funny is

he gave us a sample

so we can feel and touch it of the

flashlight and the flashlight uses patent rubber

technology they have a patent

on this shit yeah it’s

a very specific type of insert the mushy squishy stuff

is their own proprietary

blend yeah and it’s like you

think in your head like

oh I’m sure it feels like rubber and oil like it’s not

gonna it’s just

gonna feel like really soft rubber

this actually is kind of creepy to feel

and so he gave us a

sample what he did is he took a couple

flashlights and he cut it in half

just so we can feel the actual rubber part

and then at the end of our dinner it

doesn’t really feel like

pussy though

it feels soft

yeah it feels really good it feels really soft

that’s not even

lubed up though

no it’s not even lubed up

so he gave us

these samples too mushy it’s like a

pussy that’s sick

well because it’s usually in a can

it’s usually it’s got some bone behind

it wouldn’t

would that make it more compact yeah yeah

cause you have like a wall

right now it’s a wall

we actually have a box of them yeah

so anyways he gave us

these samples just to

film and we left them on the

table and I’m like you’re not

gonna take that he’s like oh you know it’s just

trash just so you could

feel like you know what I’m

gonna take it so I took the samples

and I had it there in a bag and the other day

I decided when no one was around that I

would try to fuck one of the samples

but it was only half of it

so I had to use both of them one for the bottom

and one for the top

and so I was doing the left hand in the

right hand like left hand was the left

sample the right was the

right sample

I’m like wait a

second flesh

like company you need something like that

because I had like 2 different hand jobs

going on I had one with a different

texture on the top you’re

gonna turn yourself off with 2 hands

like you’re milking a cow

well how you work in the balls

no I put the bottom one

I put the balls in the bottom one I

wrapped it around the bottom one

so it’s kind

of your balls around the bottom one how fucking

small are your balls

oh they’re very very small

but I was doing both of them I use I eat a lot of

edamame remember

edamame will

shake your balls and make

you cry but anyways it felt really real I only had hot

water lube yeah for a little bit it felt really good

like shampoo or something

good because it’s supposed to be a

water based oil

and that so I

they felt good for even just being

samples outside of its cocoon

and everything it wasn’t even in

the can or anything so I can’t wait to fuck one of

these things is this one

yeah these are

these are the ones

right now but

this is not without some controversy

I don’t this is actually

gonna be really

loud for this people to be listening to the iPod

as softly as possible

and we’ll only do it once so it’s not

annoying alright this is

apparently this is it this is the flashlight

wow it comes in a nice packaging like

are you gonna do an

unboxing video for us Joe yes we’ll do an

unboxing of the flashlight let’s see what we got here

now this is not without some controversy

and this is where it gets strange

my manager is very very upset with me

and does not think that the flashlight is a good

thing to have for a sponsor

and I was surprised with that

very surprised yeah

because they were like really adamant

about it they were like

you could be up for some sort of a show CBS

and they find out that you have the flashlight

on your podcast

right you know that you’re sponsored by a

thing not just that you have an opinion

about a thing

they were saying that

the big deal is that you are sponsored by this thing

and because you’re sponsored by this

thing somehow or another that makes you like

what does that make you

a bad person

yes because you don’t masturbate

with your hand yeah you’re you’re a bad

person because you prefer to masturbate with the the

rubber vagina right

like really I think old

school like you know

it’s crazy talk

right like it’s

crazy the idea that

you don’t masturbate if you don’t masturbate what’s

wrong with you like

it’s a great

feels good okay

first of all

it’s a great way of getting a release like a

sexual release so it’s not

built up it’s not

annoying you all day

because if you’re

not getting laid okay and a lot of us aren’t

if you’re not getting laid

and you don’t jerk off you’re

gonna go fucking bananas

right yeah that’s a fact

totally true

so what is this some sort of a leftover

puritanical

yeah don’t show your

ankles don’t show your ankles

technology put

fucking put

dresses over the legs of

chairs yeah

never seen those

buildings where they put or

those old like

furniture from like

I don’t know what year it was

was way way way back in the Victorian era I

guess where

they would literally put

dresses around

the legs of

chairs laces like

laces right

so that people don’t get

excited about

fucking chairs but it was like bras you remember

going to your

grandmother’s

house and seeing like that old

white croquet

like kit table

it was what was it called it was kind of like a

white Lacey

you know old people with doilies

is that what is doily

I don’t think that’s the same

thing I don’t

think oh look at you you’re doing any problem

right now you fuck that’s you fuck

my shit on airplane mode

I thought well

I’m gonna put

mine on airplane so yeah so they used to put doilies

type shit on

furniture that was almost like

lace of a bra

to cover up the the

ankles of a chair or a

leg of a table

crazier people

how fucking crazier people and how

crazy is it that me of all people

all the shit that I’ve talked

about from fucking DMT to

the fact that I

think the government

killed Kennedy and the same people are probably in

power and giant fucking corporations control the world

and you have a

video of you and me

watching 2 girls in one cup and then you showing no you

gotta watch a

video of a guy

chopping off

their dick but yet

you can’t masturbate

that’s okay

but masturbation is terrible it makes no

sense at all

of all the shit that I’ve put

out on the internet I try to be as honest as possible

and I try to put out as much on the internet

about things that I’m interested in

I don’t care if you

think I’m crazy

I don’t care

I don’t care if you know you

think it’s inappropriate

look I’m just curious

about this certain

subject here it is whether it’s on my message board

or whether we talking

about on this this

this podcast

or whether we

put it on Twitter you know if I find something I

think it’s interesting I’m

gonna be honest

about it like

why is that a fucking bad

thing you know

and why is the idea of

me fucking this rubber flashlight

why is that a bad

thing I mean

because I don’t

think people in the middle of America wants to

think of you masturbating

and then if that gets thrown in their face

yeah because you’re not supposed

to have in their face

you’re not supposed to have sex Joe

so that’s what it is when

you don’t want

people to see people having sex or talking

about sex too much

and if you endorse

sex with yourself

that’s a bad

thing I don’t know

I to me it’s like

I mean you can’t marry

that well the crazy

thing is they said the manager said

that one of the

things they were talking

about was the

fact that this is in the pornography industry

that’s what they said it’s the pornography yeah

that it’s pornography

and I said how is it involved in pornography

industry it’s like

it’s just a rubber vagina

they’re like well when you use it you

watch pornography

so that was an actual argument

so how come you can’t do it you can’t

do it with your

imagination it has to involve pornography

Joe how many

how many documentaries have you done on DMT and drugs

so the drug industry is okay but the porn industry the

Janet Jackson nipple industry is just out of control

insane it’s why

I don’t know what you just said you might be

a little bit too high to talk

right now young man

no I’m saying

how many how many

documentaries

have you done

about drugs I’ve done

a couple right

so the drug industry to your managers fine

really interesting

I mean well

the idea is that

a documentary is different because

it’s just your opinion on a certain subject whereas

this is an endorsement that’s the argument

endorsement endorsement

so if you were endorsed

by marijuana it

would probably be bad too

marijuana is illegal

you are endorsed

by marijuana I am endorsed

by marijuana marijuana

actually not

only sponsors

this show it

writes most of the material and

causes most of the

things to happen

he’s the producer

marijuana is the

secret producer

train wreck

is that a true

train wreck

this week it was

green crack

green crack

is executive

producer secret

executive producer of this show this week

yeah no shit so

so this is a real argument

right now the real argument is that

if I endorse

this thing that somehow another

would be a bad

thing the packaging on

that’s I think that’s the butthole

is that but

maybe that’s the vagina

wow it is a

super tight

can I feel it

no let me just touch it

give me one and 1/2 fucking weirdo I want one and 1/2

do you have a lupe

one they have a lupe

if you guys know lupe

she was on the Howard Stern

it’s like Christmas

listen this ain’t a motherfucker

clear the table of all the junk

listen I This is way less

annoying than the way I used to have it set up

yeah there’s some junk on the table

how about this I’ll take this down

move this out of the way without helping

it does look a little better if I do that how

about that I’m cleaning up for you guys

that’s the difference between the U stream crowd and

the iPhone iPad iPod crowd

so that’s the

flashlight fellow fuck it

enjoy I got the stamina

training unit do you

yeah that’s to practice to be longer in bed

it says every man knows the only way

to get better is to practice if you can last 10 minutes

in the unit

you can last 20 minutes in bed with anyone wow

that’s bold

that’s strong words

that was one of the

things that this guy was telling us

which one of the more fascinating

things about this

whole thing

was the actual

therapeutic applications of the

flashlight and this

sounds like nonsense

sounds like

someone’s just justifying trying to fuck a rubber pussy

but no what

they use them for a

bunch of different

therapeutic reasons and one of them is

people in certain religions aren’t allowed to

touch their penis

and because they’re not allowed to

touch their penis

these guys he said to Hasidic Jews in particular

actually have a hard time

orgasming when they have sex with

women because they’re so used to like fucking pillows

because they do most

their masturbation like

grabbing a sheet or

grabbing a pillow this is his words not mine this

this could be totally nonsense

I don’t know

I have not researched this at all that’s my caveat

but he said that

the flashlight is actually

covered by some insurance policies

as therapy as

sexual therapy

to get them to

learn how to

orgasm with a vagina instead of fucking like some

rough pillow so

I don’t know I have not

validated this I don’t

know what it

is to me it totally makes

sense to me

and the other reason

for the fresh

flashlight is it

trains guys

not to prematurely ejaculate

and guys who have problems with premature ejaculation

they can practice in the

flashlight that’s

the idea you’re supposed to take this too bad oh that

doesn’t feel good it’s a

hard ass yeah

don’t get too crazy

don’t pull your dick outside

I’ll fucking

panic so um

so I don’t think there’s any look

obviously we all masturbate it’s

silly at this

point in this

stage of life to deny that it

doesn’t make any

sense it’s dumb

so if we all masturbate what is

wrong with this thing

you know what’s

wrong with this you know what’s

great I do things like

smoke cigarettes

are used to

smoke cigarettes in the car and it’s

out of a boredom

of my hand I

think therapeutically I

could put this in my car instead of smoking

cigarettes just finger it

because it feels so good I mean

don’t touch mine but feel yours

I mean that’s something to do with my hand like

that feels good that feels like I’m playing with one of

those stress balls

but it actually feels like I’m 10 woman

doing it wow and

strong numbers

strong numbers on

I think there is a lot of

things like that because

there was something else he was saying

about people

like a lot of medical reasons

like what was something else that he said besides that

religion there was like

doctors that

would use it for

well that we were to talk

covered that

doctors use it for premature ejaculation

and for religions that don’t masturbate you’re way too

hot I was busy

with my lady

here blasted

you see he’s distracted that’s why I

tried to keep the

iPad away from him I told you I took one too many hits

today he did

take one too many he went over the deep end

ladies and gentlemen

peeing outside

it’s my fault

so what I don’t

understand and I don’t wanna

I definitely

wanna hear from you guys

just let me know on twitter at Joe Rogan

I’m just my

name now Joe Rogan he used to be Dot net dot net

cause some dude

cyber squatted on my name

but I got it back

thank you very much twitter

my account got verified and all that shit

but I want to know do you

think it’s ridiculous because I

think it’s ridiculous and what is there

is there really

a bunch of you out there that

would not want

to see something that I’m doing whatever the fuck

it is because you know that I support rubber pussies

like is it possible that that

could cost somebody business

I mean in this day and

age when the fucking Pope

okay is not being brought to justice for shielding

child molesters

you really gonna get

upset at me

if I endorse

a rubber pussy

me the Pope is endorsed by the goddamn presidents of

every goddamn country in the world

and this guy

shielded shielded

pedophiles I mean it’s a fact he

did he’s a part of the problem with the Catholic Church

that motherfucker is accepted everywhere

but I’ll be

about am I can completely

comparing myself to the Pope

I guess I am

folks I just fucking I did

I don’t know why

there’s some

grandiose illusions of

grandeur in my head I connect

my it’s because I always want to wear a dope ass robe

show up for work

dressed like a Merlin

but you know I don’t

think there’s anything wrong with

masturbating

obviously you don’t either we all do it I don’t

think there’s anything

wrong with a

product that makes masturbation easier or better

and that’s what it is

I support it

and you know so I’m

I’m not gonna listen to my managers I’m gonna

tell him to go fuck themselves

you know he made it but I love them he made an awesome

point like women in

their dildos and

their vibrators that’s almost

you know when people get

married at like bachelor

you know parties and stuff

that’s like a joke you know that’s like yeah and that’s

their toy guys have

never really had any real

legit toys you know it’s true this is the

first one that

yeah actually makes

sense instead of

using your hand

once you use

something that feels a hundred times better

yeah that is

the argument I can’t wait to fuck it and I may

get a cantaloupe

put it in the microwave

put a little hole in it and warm it up a little

and we fuck that

first wait 1/2 hour and then fuck this and see

which one’s better cantaloupe is your move

right you’ve done that before I’ve done it before it’s

great because

after you fuck it you

could totally eat it

so just wash it out

don’t eat the

layer don’t eat yeah don’t you’ve done it

don’t eat the layer

rude someone calling me

during my fucking podcast

I would shut that off I knew where it was please shut

management uh oh it is they’re listening to the podcast

right now like hey man

that’s not talk

about this man yeah I could stop

put this out there do what if it

would he is angry

that’s funny that your managers that’s cool

well I could stop because you’d start talking

about no just

listen um that’s hilarious

it’s hilarious they called right when we’re talking

about I know

um you know

I see what they’re saying they’re trying to protect me

from like you know like if

I had to do a show like Fear Factor something like that

maybe that could be a problem

yeah but you

fucking horses dicks

yeah I feel like you got to take me as I am

you know I’m not a bad guy

whenever you ever

I don’t want

to do some sort I don’t want to do a fear factor

again right I really don’t

I mean it’s so

tempting not to for the

money but I

gotta do something more interesting I

gotta do shit that I like doing

cause I have so much more fun

so it’s almost like

getting in bed with the

flashlight it’s like protects me from doing anything

stupid that I know I’ll do for money

you know it’s

just so easy when something like fear factor comes

along and then like hey we’re

gonna give you

all this money

every week and all you have to do is just

show up and

watch people you know

do stupid shit you like fuck it’s so easy to get that

money it’s so difficult but

you gotta pass on it

you really do because if you it was good that I did it

but a certain

point in time you have to pass on doing

those things

cause if you don’t

you’re just

gonna be better

you’re talking

about by the way you’re talking

about old TV

while you’re doing new TV yeah

this is way easier this

look we could have

never had a fucking

show like this that reaches as many people as this

thing does including the

you know the podcast

on iTunes and

this thing on you stream

and there’s no fucking way

we could have ever gotten someone to

agree to let us

practice a TV show this what we’re gonna do

we’re gonna

start off just fucking around with

boxes of shit behind me piled up on the desk

and then eventually we’re

gonna move on to like

trying to have

like a real show with like a desk and real

microphones and the

sound is much better we got a top end

MP3 recorder

and then the next

thing we got

you stream producer we’re

gonna have high def

cameras in here and eventually we’re

gonna figure out how to do it all through a tricaster

so that we can have a

background and we’ll put a

green screen up behind us

we never thought that this was

gonna happen this is just a goof and I

This this is

not that this is any big deal like that this

could have happened

but it’s that it’s this easy and this fun

and people would

enjoy it this much

you could have

never I could have

never done this on television

they would have

never let me

and if they did they

would never let me just do it the way we did it just

wing it and talk

about whatever

for the first

fucking 10 weeks

we didn’t even have plan what we’re

gonna talk about

we would just get in there turn it on and just talk

about it you know so

I completely lost what the fuck I was talking about

I completely lost what I was saying

my I know what my

point is my point is

that this is new TV and you’re right and

it protects me

really if I do something like

the flashlight or anything

ridiculous should I do

it protects me from doing any dumb

fear factor type shit in the future it’s so

funny because there is a pretty

direct line on the old TV

where the new TV is mixing with the old TV

right now I was

watching Family Guy and

the episode

involved a dog

licking out a baby’s asshole

but it was on

the last episode had that

where Brian the dog

bait out stewie’s

asshole and

clean shit off his ass

how is that possible

and we’re talking

about masturbating

having a problem with masturbating

that’s incredible I love

to see that episode oh dude it’s the best episode

download last episode of Family Guy they’re

trapped in a bank a bank

vault or something like that and it is so fucking

ridiculous the shit

that they get away with on regular

primetime television

and we’re talking

about fucking

a rubber yeah but

I think when you’re

as successful as they are

or as successful as

South Park is

you basically can do whatever the fuck you want

cause people

wanna be on your show

you know advertisers rather

right they want to advertise

on your show I mean your show is gigantic

South Park has

just got such a

loyal legion of followers at this

point in time

until the Muhammad

thing they pretty much got away with doing

almost anything they wanted for a long time

it’s crazy about the Muhammad

thing because

in New York City they just captured

the guy the bomber and there’s a connection

that people are

starting to make between a Republican

senator or something like that said that they

think there

might be a connection between the 2 but they

haven’t proved anything yet

well you know I mean that’s a good

thing to speculate automatically there

might be a connection but yeah

who the fuck knows

what if there

was man what if there was

listen man people people are that dumb

there are people

that really do believe that you’re not supposed to make

fun of them at all and if you do you’re supposed to die

like that they are though that’s the

worst example of

human beings in the world

and the problem with

the Middle East and this is what I’ve always talked

about I’ve talked

about it as

a joke in my act but it really is kind of true

one of the reasons why

they’re so arcane in

their ways what are you doing trying to justice huh

one of the reasons why they’re so arcane in

their ways is that that’s

where culture

began the oldest known

civilization that we know of is Sumair

and that’s where Iraq is

so basically like the people that are

still in that area are like the townies of the world

I mean they’re really

stuck on some fucking

multi thousand year old shit

and us being in America

it’s not that America is better than

other countries but

the one advantage that America has

is that we’re the most recent country

so we’re all from somewhere that sucked

every one of us here is we came from somewhere

that sucked

or our answers came from somewhere that sucked

and they congregated to this one

place to get the most

fresh ideas supposedly to be the most progressive

because they’re at the

the furthest

ahead of the curve

but people in like the Middle East that’s the furthest

that’s the beginning

point of the

curve like though

they really are the fucking townies of the world

and that’s why

there’s the problem with this fucking cartoon thing

is that these

motherfuckers

really do believe

that there’s some

magical motherfucker that you’re not supposed to draw

I mean it’s

it’s bananas

you know that is

and the enemy of

evolution this ancient

ideology this

multif this fucking

ridiculous idea

that somehow or another

several thousand years ago they had it wired

they hadn’t figured out back then

even though they didn’t know Jack shit

about medicine

about the constellations they didn’t know anything

but they had it wired

they knew they knew what was going on

what the fuck are you talking about

it’s ridiculous

the fact that there’s people willing to die for that

that in 2010 that is

still rocking

it is amazing

it’s amazing yeah

Tom Cruise is the same way too

dude personally I

think that the scariest

thing is not even

the Middle East I don’t

think the scariest

thing in this

world is that

ideology I think that’s very

scary but to me what’s scarier

is what’s happening in Mexico

and the fact that Mexico is connected to us

and Mexico is the middle of gigantic gang wars

between the police

and these gang

cartels that have fucking billions of dollars

these guys have insane amounts of

money because

that’s the only way you can make

money so it’s

basically like

I mean that’s not the only way you can make

money in Mexico that’s not what I’m saying

they’re totally illegal to sell cocaine

it has to be sold illegal you can’t sell it legally

you can’t regulate

it and tax it you can’t do anything with it you have to

sell it illegally so

people gonna buy cocaine they’re

gonna buy cocaine from Mexico and there’s someone’s

gonna get that

money who the fuck’s

gonna get that money

well these drug lords have all that

money and now they’re more

powerful than the police

and they’ve got us

troops are going in there now and fucking helping out

I mean it’s bananas down there dude there’s

they’re fucking war

in the streets with tanks with bananas is people are

still going there for vacations it’s just

how like the last spring

break that was

still one of the hot spots for people to go for spring

break is if they were

Muslims we’d be fucked

okay the fact that they’re Christians

and they’re

not into blowing themselves up for you know for

Jesus they’re

they’re into you know

mean what’s

going on is it’s a lot of money

and a lot of

influence and a lot of people that you know get illegal

money and they’re dominating the

the actual political

system over there and as many as they try to raid

there’s so many

more of them it’s such a fucking hard fight

because they let them like dig in and get infested

there’s just so many fucking

gigantic cartels with just tons and tons of

money and guns

it’s so frightening

but if they like if they were the

enemy if that was like

Muslim I mean if we

like if like Pakistan was

right next door to us

and this shit was

going down it

would be even scarier

you know it really was yeah

cause for some reason

the Mexicans aren’t blaming the Americans

it’s really interesting

it’s like Mexican people are pretty

proud people

and they’re not blaming a lot of they

have a lot of

family here that’s why they’re not

gonna fuck with half of

their family well it’s also I mean it’s really

clear what happened they

wanted to make drugs legal

they wanted to decriminalize

and make them legal

and make it so that people can sell them and tax

him and all and the United States said no fucking way

like no way

and if you don’t have laws and you

know you’re involved in a business like selling drugs

you’re gonna have criminals

because even when you have laws

we have things like

pharmaceutical

companies I mean

pharmaceutical companies are

basically legal

drug dealers

and they’re dealing shit that kills

motherfuckers

every day there’s always people

dropping off from Vicodin

and Percocet

I remember when I got my nose

fixed when I got my deviated septum operated on

the good doctor gave me 2

Valium no it was a Viking in

and Percocet he gave me a prescription for both

and I looked at him like man this

stuff is bad for you like how bad is this

gonna fucking hurt

is gonna hurt way more than it hurts right now

I’d rather just deal with

being annoying than get hooked on some

crazy fucking

pharmaceutical pills that like

addict you like

what like 30

of the time

how many people get addicted to vicodins

oh like tons fuck load

dude they give

those things out like

candy well right

after I decided not to accept the prescription

a study came out showing that the FDA

Food and Drug Administration

they’re going

to recommend

like cutting way back on prescriptions and they

recommend that doctors

did not prescribe them because of

liver damage and because of addiction

oh I have probably

4/2 full bottles of Viking and laying around just from

going to the dentist

does they talk to you sometimes huh do they talk to you

the Viking bottle yeah only when I sleep

like in the middle of the

night wake up and they’re combing my hair

you’re really stressed

right now you know

better actually I hate

you me up man

I hate Viking I hate feelings

I just feel

gross when I do Vicodin I’ve only done Vicodin once

when I had my

first knee operation I’ve had

3 knee operations

2 ACL reconstructions one meniscus surgery

and the first time I had the ACL done

it was pretty painful

because they did what’s called a patella tendon graft

I have this scar that goes from here to here

and what they do is

they take a

chunk of bone out of your knee and a

chunk of bone out of your shin

and they cut this big tendon this one

and they cut a

slice of it off

with the bone

and then they open you up like a fish

and they drill it in place

so they take this tendon

and they make it

smaller to make you a fake tendon for the ACL

and it’s apparently was supposedly

like physically

stronger than the original ACL

point is you got holes in your bones

and screws in your bones

and it hurts like a bitch

when you get up

especially when you’re sitting

down and then you get up it’s way more pain I have the

other one done with a cadaver

so I got a dead dude’s shit in this knee

but the one with the ACL

where they do the surgery

where they take

it off the bone is way way way more painful you

gotta get up from the

couch and be like

watching TV and it was just like hot lava

just hot lead just

going right into my bones it was so

fucking painful

and I took a Vicodin

that was the only time I ever took one and I felt so

stupid yeah just so drugged

and my jaw was

slack and I was

watching TV

and I thought to myself

while I was under it

I was like I will

never take this dumb shit

again yeah this

stuff’s terrible

yeah it’s weird how some people are the

exact opposite they’ll fucking give you 20

bucks for a Viking

yeah well what

basically we’re

trying to say is there’s no fucking difference between

Viking ins and

heroin and Oxycontins and heroin are

really the same

thing there’s no fucking difference between

pharmaceutical

companies and drug dealers

the only difference is

the drug dealers don’t have to

they don’t have to work within the law

the pharmaceutical

companies they have to bribe

politicians they

have to they have to

wax doctors you know what they do with doctors

they take everybody out to dinner

Mrs Rogan is her mom as a nurse and

she works with

these pharmaceutical

companies these

nurses they don’t make much money

and they don’t get to go out to

fancy dinners

the pharmaceutical

companies come

along and say hey viagra’s

gonna take us out on a nice dinner

and they all

get to go to a nice restaurant and have a nice meal

and it’s all on

these pharmaceutical

companies they pay for the

drinks they pay for

everything and so

these people are more likely to talk nice

about their

pharmaceuticals

so they prescribe them more

you know what’s fucked up

about that is I’ve thought

about that also

when I go to the doctor

I was at the doctor but

it was a poor example

right that’s a good one right

I went to the doctors the other day

for acid reflux because

sometimes after I eat like

too much caffeine onions or I

drink too much I kind of

feel like I have acid coming up from my

throat it makes my

throat feel tight

and all those other

stuff you had

this for a long time yeah I’ve had it for a

while so finally went to the doctor the

other day digestive doctor and I told him

everything I had

and then he’s like oh let me give you some

samples he gave me a garbage bag almost full

of the samples called the Bluepil

com I don’t

remember what the name of it but it was the Bluepil com

right and I’m thinking

you know what I wonder if this is even

the best thing I

could be taking

right now or if this guy just got paid to give

me a bottle

cause he gave me like 20 bottles of

samples and coupons and books and

I take it and I’m like yeah I

guess that kind

of is better but I don’t know if I’m just

tricking myself

or if I have to go back there make a

second appointment

just to be like look

whatever you gave me that’s

bullshit well

we know for sure that doctors are

influenced by

pharmaceuticals

you know they give them

money they get

money for they were getting I don’t know if this is

still true or

still legal

or if there’s different

states that

have different laws I don’t know how it all works

but from what I understand

doctors have been busted

where they’re getting a percentage

of the amount

of sales that they have like say if they sell

x amount of valiums

they get a kickback

from the pharmaceutical company

that should

absolutely be illegal yeah

I mean that’s

crazy that’s what bananas that’s hopefully

technology helps that though so when they

try to prescribe something like 1,000,000 topics come

text to your

phone and you go

actually no I

wanna take this one this one’s better

right like yeah like an iPhone

app that tells you your doctors trying to get you yeah

yeah just like

you turn it you turn it on and when the doctor

no we’re not trying to shit on doctors or anything man

so the whole

system is fucked up

and when you’re a doctor and you’re struggling to get

along and you

have to pay an insane amount of malpractice insurance

I mean malpractice

insurance for doctors is goddamn brutal

and then you have all

these assholes that

wanna sue you for fucking nothing for no reason for

shit getting

wrong for you getting an affection for

things that are totally unavoidable

and I’m not saying the doctor’s perfect

but it’s hard for doctors

their medical bills or

medical school bills are gigantic

they’re fucking huge

and all of a

sudden some

pharmaceutical

company comes

along and says hey

you know you’re

still helping all

these people you’re

still doing a

great thing

we just would love it if you

would tell them

you know take Viox if you have arthritis

right so these doctors say yeah I

could do that and

we’ll be in on

a deal with you guys

via you know we give you a

share in the

company we’ll give you a certain percentage for every

you know viox bottle you sell will give you X percent

and so they don’t

think they’re doing anything

wrong viox is something that was created to help people

this person has a pain I’ll give them this it’ll help

their pain and I’ll profit

and they don’t even

think it’s a bad thing

and then next

thing you know

they’re prescribing it way more than they did before

especially like nutty pills

you talk to like there’s been many studies

done on people who take on Time of Presence and how

people have gone to

psychiatrist just for

experimentation purposes just to

write stories on it

and just today you know I’m just having

trouble sleeping

feel shitty

all day I don’t know what to do here take this

Bam it’s like that simple

have Zoloft

you’ll feel better

right like they’re just dishing it out

try this for

a little bit and tell us how you feel like whoa

we’re fucking with

human neurochemistry and we’re

allowing these

heartless pharmaceutical companies to do it

you can’t do that man there’s

got to be more oversight I know there’s a lot of money

involved in

pharmaceuticals and I know that there’s a lot of

pharmaceuticals

that do a lot of good for a lot of people

not saying there’s anything bad about it

but there’s got to be way more oversight

cause they have

so much shit out there that you can get addicted to

there’s so much that will fuck your life up

and it’s readily available

oxycontins fucking Percocets

Valiums Vicodins those

those fucking

things will

crush you and

somehow or another

those guys are doing something that’s way more

acceptable then someone sells pot or coke

or fucks a rubber or vagina

rubber vagina

those people are looked at as

heroes doctors and

stuff but yet

if you talk

about this you know

bad person well you know I mean look doctors are

heroes man the

doctors are to fix me up I mean forever in

their debt the guy fix my nose

the guys who

fixed my knees

if it wasn’t for them my nose

would suck and I

wouldn’t be able to walk that good

doctors are fucking awesome I’m not saying that

I’m just saying we live in this ridiculous

state of hypocrisy

because there’s certain drugs that we make illegal you

literally aren’t supposed to have them

it’s not that you

can get them prescribed if you need them or they can

monitor you no

you’re not allowed to big

Daddy who knows more than you

tells you that if you’re with this drug

that this drug we’re

gonna lock you in a cage

like what the

fuck why is that is that set up so that the people who

really appreciate and recognize the merits in the

psychedelic drugs

rise up so that they realize they have to

literally overthrow

the culture

the way of thinking

they have to not overthrow rather but

overturn the way

the culture

accepts drugs

because that’s the only

thing that seems to make

sense all the

beneficial ones are legal

you don’t ever hear

about someone talking to you

about they did Valium

and they just really had this life

changing experience and

learn to love

everyone no you don’t have that fucking on Valium

I felt connected to

the universe and I realized that I’m just a part of a

never ending process and my

biology is trying to hold on to

everything and that’s

where the insecurity comes from you know

no you don’t get that from fucking Valium

okay you get that from mushrooms

and mushrooms grow outside and if they

catch you with them

they put you in a cage

if they come by your fucking house

and you have

mushrooms growing on your tree in your backyard

they are legally

allowed to lock you in a box

they can take you and arrest you

yeah that’s fucking bananas

bananas and that are enforcing

our ridiculous

thinking on the mexican people

is why those drug cartels got into power

is that a conspiracy

theory perhaps is that a little bit of

tin foil hat perhaps

yeah maybe but you know some of that

tin foil hat shit is on the

money and i

think it is with this

we live right next to a country

that’s involved in a way more deadly war than the one

going on in afghanistan or

going on in iraq

both of them combined can’t even

touch the body

counts that are happening in mexico

right next door

they’re killing

motherfuckers they’re going

crazy over there dude

and you can get there by walking

you know i’m saying

i mean we’re all invested in afghanistan

securing afghanistan

meanwhile we live

right next to a fucking third

world country we are connected to them

with an invisible line

and they’re involved in the bloodiest

pharmaceutical war

that’s ever been fought in the history of this

earth the illegal

pharmaceutical war

they’re fighting it with goddamn tanks

they’re fighting a

pharmaceutical war with tanks

and that’s what the war is

the war is who gets to sell your shit

is it gonna be people that

have no law whatsoever or is it

gonna be people that have laws

and if you say it’s

gonna be people that have laws and that the other

stuff you’re not

gonna allow

well then someone’s

gonna sell that

other stuff

cause there’s a goddamn demand for it

it’s dangerous

everywhere did you know here

about this west hollywood like yesterday

or something like that a

woman walks into a target

at west hollywood

and just starts fucking

stabbing or

shooting people i

think shooting people shot four people

and finally was

taken down by

i think you

gotta do a google

this is the age of the internet son you can’t be

using like nineteen eighty four type

storytelling skills will give you

why look this up give some facts about target

well target is an awesome place

if you want to buy some shit they usually have it there

yeah however target would not carry the rubber pussy

no target frowns upon

the rubber pussy they’re not a

woman stabs four people in

so it is stabbing in west hollywood

she’s 34 years old

entered the

store attack shoppers with a butcher knife and a

steak knife

an off duty la county sheriff deputy

and store security guards

apprehended her thank god those guys were there

thank god someone so fucking balls i hope they

brain that bitch oh

yeah when they took her out they

should’ve just shoved that fucking knife

right into her heart

you know you’re in the middle of

a battle a knife battle

with a knife wielding assailant

you should just

stick that fucking

thing right in her neck wow she

right she was yelling i’m bipolar

there’s no witness protection program

oh god see at that

point we have to know when to kill people we really do

you can’t bring

that person back and reintroduce them to society this

life is short

and you have fucked it up

so bad there’s

just no way coming back from that we just got to

start from scratch

and it sends a message to all the

other people out there

thinking about

going nutty

don’t go that nutty yeah all

right stop don’t go running into

target and fucking

stabbing people we’re not

gonna allow that shit

yeah jesus christ

you know we’re so goddamn tolerant of fucking loonies

just kill em yeah

dude have you seen

those back i

think i talked

about yeah we talked

about it the

other day when we were talking to the

flashlight dude yeah

the new the new

uh piercings

where they have

up and down your back they have hoops

and then they take laces

and go back and forth like it’s a dress

and they tie like

bows and stuff with it yeah i was

thinking you know how fucking

crazy is that even

piercings are

crazy i remember

back in the day

it was left hoop

right hoop you know that was the

big sin went

eyebrow yeah

it was really

nutty you went eyebrow and it

moved on to the

belly button

and then like some

crazy girls got nipples and clits

now they’re fucking making

clothes out of your skin like i

think you should probably talk to that

microphone more put the

it’s pumped up

yeah okay but it’s getting to the

point where now it’s like

like laces back and forth and like you’re making skin

dresses yeah that’s how

crazy piercing is yeah what he’s talking

about is a series of loops

that these women are putting on

their bodies and

their back and they

they make it like shoelaces

yeah fucking

it’s the trippiest

thing ever when you see someone

that’s a girl who

doesn’t give a fuck all

right yeah there was a one she won’t even

blink if you fuck her in the ass

she’ll be like what

there was a girl

standing outside of my grocery store

trying to do

green piece whatever that shit is

and she had that

whole thing up and down with a bra on do you

think that that’s the message

that the message

is that they just

they can take all sorts of crazy pain

oh that’s the sexiness of the message i

think that or

people are just getting

weird about skin yeah but is that

maybe the sexiness

of the message what it is is that you know

what you’re doing is you’re taking

uh lust to the next

levels cause

everything has got to go to the next

level now because we have this

crazy access to information

you know like

people are fucking way different than they fucked like

in like the 1970s yeah you know no one is accepting

you know lights out you know just

fucking and no

dirty talk no nothing

missionary style

roll over kiski and i go to

sleep no one’s accepting that everyone’s

going lobster

style yeah and this

is all because the internet because pornography has

changed the way people look at sex

and you know what they’re talking

about a lot of people are talking

about there’s a problem with

young girls

right now getting all sorts of problems with

their buttholes

because they’re having butt sex like

early and all the time yeah

there’s gonna be a lot of 30 year old

women in a couple years from now

just yeah the diapers on and that’s

gonna be the hot fashion

hot fashion

with your pampers oh my god no you know what’s

gonna be the big operation in

is not gonna be botox it’s

gonna be getting your butthole tightened

you get your butthole brought back to reality or

get like a filter that yeah for a

while you’re

gonna have to use a colostomy

bag for a little

while till your butthole

gets recovered from the surgery

that’s just real man that’s

what are these people doing

you know what they’re doing they’re getting it

they’re getting

everything to the highest

level possible

yeah that’s what

these piercings are

about that’s what

why guys think girls who are

tattooed up or sexy

what’s what’s sexy

about tattoos is if you have

tattoos you know how much fucking pain it

causes it’s

so goddamn painful yeah so you see someone with

tattoos like that’s someone who

doesn’t give a fuck

yeah you know that’s the sexiness of it but shit

we’re bananas man

our society is

going in a very very very very strange direction

oh it’s ridiculous

and it’s the

age of information

is not necessarily

aiding it entirely

because people aren’t

necessarily

using the information

on the internet to make an objective opinion

they’re usually trying to find

stuff that reinforces

their own current opinion

very tempting thing

you know you got to look at like like

with ideas in the internet you got

to look at both sides of it but a lot of people aren’t

so it’s like almost helping retards be retarded

if they can find

other you know sites that say the

earth is flat and dinosaurs

lived with people six thousand years ago

as long as you can

you can find

plenty of sites if you look around

and tells you that

evolution is retarded

you could have plenty of science that will have

guys who are doctors

and they’re scientists

and they are telling people

they’re obviously

crazy but they’re telling people

that the earth is only

6 000 years old that carbon dating is not real and that

evolution is a myth

and that we had to come from

somewhere so there has to be a god and that the bible

can prove the

bible mathematically like they

start talking

nutty talk and

these are doctors and scientists

so if you just look for them

you’ll decide on their

point of view

you know i mean

if you just like look at any one side of any

issue you can you can get your answers reinforced

so the problem with that is

people are just getting

their answers reinforced or questions rather reinforced

they’re not necessarily like learning

you know they’re finding

other retards who have set up websites that confirm

their retarded ideas

you know that’s kind of a little bit of a problem

that’s one problem with the internet

you know the

other part of it is just magnificent the

other part of it is people who are open minded who are

really using it as this

crazy network of information and they’re really

learning like at this

incredible exponentially expanding rate like we’re

learning shit and we’re so much more

aware of shit than our parents were

there’s so much more

aware of information there’s so much more

shit going on that you have to

store in your head

i mean it’s

when i talk to my mom

about like the

world like what’s

going on in the world

i feel like i’m talking to my daughter

i mean it’s like

you know there’s a

level of understanding that our

civilization

generation has reached

that really hasn’t been reached before is that just an

age thing though no

it’s the internet man it’s the internet yeah

i mean it’s acceleration i mean i

think our parents were

smarter than

their parents and their parents are

smarter than their parents

and you know it’s always been that

way that we evolve and as we evolve we get brighter and

you can see that in

culture you can see that in like the

movies that used they used to

watch the 1940s

they’re fucking horrible

i mean they’re way

worse than the bad movies

it doesn’t even have to be the 1940s the

other day i

watch reality bites i don’t know if you remember that

movie had what’s his name

ben stiller

jeanine garofalo had all

these famous people awesome

sounds what was the

other one that

you were telling me that you made your girl watch

you oh yeah

you thought it was an awesome

movie at the time but it was fucking terrible

at you what

was that oh can’t buy me love

reality bites though

the mcdreamy

mcdreamy mcdreamy’s in it and he used

to mow lawns and he

paid the pop

all those bruss yeah

delivering pizzas is that the same one no

he paid the most popular girl to be his

girlfriend for a week and then he became too popular

and then she spilled cranberry juice on a dress

but i watched that the other day it was

awful but reality bites

horrible like really uncomfortable to watch

and then but the

worst disturbing thing is i used to have a

crush on jeanne garofalo back in that

time period

i thought she was like oh she’s a hot comic

girl she’s so hot

i looked at that

movie almost puked because how ugly she was

now i want to know what the fuck don’t be so mean

listen she’s

not thinking

don’t be rude that’s rude

you’re being rude no in the

movie her character

in the movie

your character in that

movie this is what abby you used to have different

tastes now you’re into like the pornstar look

that’s all cool

that’s all cool

you know but back then you

weren’t man

no that’s what it is everybody has a look if you

watched the

movie you could see the line

where makeup was that’s

ridiculous listen that’s not what’s important

what’s important is the

evolution of culture

what’s important in

this conversation is not your fucking weird

thing which mean

girl i ever

my i’m just saying i

evolved that

movie to me is all

i have it was

embarrassing

a movie like that like i

watched altered

states it was terrible

right alter

states totally does not hold up i mean to me

that movie changed my life because that’s the

movie that got me into the isolation tanks

if it wasn’t for altered

states i probably

never would have a tank in my basement

and when that tank in my basement has

changed the way i look at the

world that thing is like my

reset button whenever i got

anything that’s fucking with my head

that tank kicks me the real deal

every time it’s like

my guidebook it’s like

literally to me my isolation tank is like my

connection to the

spirit world it’s like my

spirit guide it

sounds completely retarded

and gay and

it sounds new aging

but that’s what it feels like when i get in there

and i just zone i just disappear my body disappears

when my mind has no sensory

input when i’m just

floating through

space in that tank

i get truth

i get straight

truth about

everything i’ve ever done

about anything that i’ve ever done

where i was the douchebag anything that i’ve ever

watched were

you know like i can like rewatch like

things that have happened in my life and see

where i’ve personally made mistakes

things that i’ve done well

things that i

could have avoided

reasons why people are

upset at me like

everything kicks you and then it kicks me

everything about

what am i doing

wrong in my personal life what am i doing

wrong in my career what am i doing

wrong in my comedy what am i doing

wrong in my writing

here’s what

you can eliminate here’s what you can do better

almost never like it’s

never a praising

thing it’s always like a ruthless

self examination experience

it’s never like

experience like

yeah i’m fucking awesome here i’m in the water

never it’s almost always uncomfortable

but after you get out of it man you have a new

found appreciation and respect for life

you know and that experience

would not have happened

if i didn’t

watch that movie altered states and

get confused

meanwhile i

watched it i couldn’t even

watch the whole

movie i shut it off

it was a piece of shit

those old movies just don’t hold

up like et i

watched that the other day

and you remember when

et was like i

could believe this is an

alien i saw the

other day and he’s like

et and he stopped and

he rocks when he stops i’m like why is he rocking

it’s so bad

it’s it’s amazing yeah the

technology available today a

random dude with a pc

who knows how to

encode three d

animation yeah he can make something

on computer and

and literally have a

texture to it and

everything it’ll be way better than eighteen

imagine when

you can do that with avatar graphics oh my god

it’s gonna happen what is that without be fifteen years

fifteen years

i don’t think

fifteen years

shit is happening so

quickly man

with the internet

with the level

of complexity that

they can pull off and animation now is just astounding

i mean avatar

still looked a little off

but the reason why they

got away with it looking a little off is that they use

monsters and shit that you don’t know in real life

so you know you look at

it and you go oh

that’s fake you can’t tell it’s fake but like you

watch like i am

legend i am

legend is the shit

but when they had

those lions you like get the fuck out of here

those lions look so bad did i hear they were making a

sequel to that oops oh that’d be so good

i love that movie that

movie was fun

the in the scene

where he shoots the lion

or he shoot he’s

going to shoot a deer and the lion takes out the deer

it looks so bad yeah it looks so corny and fake it’s so

it should be totally unacceptable like they really

should have to film in another way

like you should have to do it in the dark

where i can’t see it

or it happens so

quickly but what you show me is just dog shit for a

movie that’s that powerful

they can’t totally recreate real life

and because

of that they can’t totally recreate people yet

but they can really recreate

monsters shit

that they make up they can make shit that they invent

look fucking amazing like king kong

how good did king

kong that was awesome

i just saw that the

other day also and that

still looks good

dude i don’t even

watch that movie

you know what i do with that movie

i turn it on

to the scene

where king kong’s fucking shit up and you jack up

i almost do

i almost do

i scratch my

chest i get fucking crazy

dude hidden camera footage of you

watching king kong by your

stomach i might

start fucking

i’ve always been obsessed with primates i have a

giant poster of king kong it’s like twelve feet tall

throwing flashlights around like fucking apes all right

i have just a smidgen

more monkey in me than the average person

i feel i feel very connected to the

monkeys i get angry when i go to the zoo and i see the

monkeys in the cage i always want to let him out

it’s weird have you always been like that

i always think you’re

a little kid big curious george fan sicilian

man those are they are monkeys they’re way closer to

monkeys than regular people

there’s something about my my ancestors

the way they used to yell at each

other it’s just like going to the fucking chimps

my grandmother used to fucking

scream at my grandfather

she didn’t give a fuck that i was there

she didn’t give a fuck that i was

three or four or whatever the fuck i was

i’d be standing

right next to her she and my grandfather be like my

my grandmother was always late for

everything my grandmother was crazy

my grandmother did time

okay this is how

crazy my grandmother worked for the mom and she did

time that’s crazy

my grandmother’s bananas but she would fucking scream

joe don’t rush me joe

joe don’t rush me don’t fucking rush me joe

my grandfather’s name was joe her name was joe she

would fucking

scream at him and he would have to eat it

you are like a

monkey that’s like a chimp cage i was in the lion my

family my family was in the lion cage over at the zoo

yeah we’re just like

what’s up guys

yeah you always seem like a lion

if i had to describe you you know what what can

brian was an animal what would he be be a lion

and that’s why i’m a leo what are you

what’s your son

leah yarlia

that’s right they don’t have a

monkey sign if they had a

monkey sign i’m sure i’d be damn

i was a puma and you’re a

tiger do you get upset when you go to this

does that bother you it doesn’t

drives me fucking

i’m more like wow

tiger i don’t you

guys me fucking

i’m just not that deep i don’t i don’t care

about the dumb animals

like i don’t

freak out when i see a walrus fuck a walrus

kiss my ass yeah

give a fuck about you

you’re just dumb you know

what are you doing i don’t want

to kill you i don’t want to hurt you i don’t want to

cause you pain for no reason but

i don’t give a fuck

about you when’s your

movie zookeeper coming out

it’s not my

movies it’s your

movies kevin

james it’s your

movie fella

and it comes out in

october october

yeah have you

seen a preview or no

i’ve seen little clips

where i had to do

voice over shit it’s

gonna be fun yeah it’s a

funny movie

kevin’s hilarious he’s a very

funny guy he’s awesome at that

that whole physical comedy

thing and doing it with all

these animated animals

the animated animals look pretty fucking dope really

yeah they just they just change their

mouths and make their

mouths move they’re like real animals they have to

train real animals to do certain things

and then they like add animation to it

you know and then they have like

one guy in a

monkey suit

one guy it was really

funny walked into a car accidentally

knocked himself out

it was really fucked up

you know because he hit the

thing hard really

he banged right into

the door of this car and just fell over out cold

wow he didn’t see it coming and he walked

right into a door

this stuntman man

stuntman are fucking

savages no doubt

these guys are

nuts man the dudes that i met on fear factor

and the dudes that i’ve worked with

especially the guys on this

zoo keeper movie because there was a lot of

crazy stunts

i crashed a bike i

wasn’t supposed to be doing my own stunts

but i had this bike

scene with me and

kevin where

i’m chasing them and i’m yelling and i’m trying to

reach them i

crashed my bike

three or four hard times really hard times one

where i go over the handlebars

look are you

doing that far

onto the concrete

dude i went over the bars

i grabbed the front

brake accidentally

squeezed it too hard and i just went over the top

and i was only

one hand in it because i was trying to grab him

we’re just improvising the

scene dude i

launched myself

but somehow or another i was fine

like somehow another i this

whatever the

clear headedness or

the peace of mind

to gather myself you know i knew i was

going over this

and just land correctly

right you rolled or something something

i got lucky all the time the only

thing i did i got a scratch on my shin but dude i

crashed hard like four times i did the i

crashed recently

i could have easily broken a

wrist or something there was one time when i went down

where it was pretty fucking

hard i went over the handlebars and i got a hold of

i hit the ground

first with my

hands and then my face my chin hit the ground

but i absorbed

it and i pulled back enough it was like just enough

level headedness

where i wound up not and

because of jiu

jitsu i’m always falling you’re always

rolling with shit you get comfortable

with that here’s the ground it’s like it’s normal

it’s a normal feeling

dude i got fucked up i

could have lost some

teeth for sure yeah

i just got a bike recently

and i did the same thing

went over my

handlebars cause i hit a curb it was dark out and

i hit a curb and it didn’t like pop over it just went

straight down for something i

flipped over my bike

and i felt like my

teeth i’m like oh my god that’s

first thing i do is grab my

teeth but i landed okay

but i was like i

could have died

right there

yeah man that’s some

scary shit bicycles are fucking

scary when you’re falling man

yeah i just read some

article about some

woman who just got paralyzed from

horse racing

horse jumping the same as christopher reeve did

right jumping over

hurdles and shit like that that’s some

scary shit dude you don’t need to be doing that people

and taking it from a guy who’s involved in

ufc and just

jiu jitsu it

sounds ridiculous

but jiu jitsu

if you trust your partners

you’re pretty safe

man i mean i’m

doing it all the time and i’ve only been injured

a few times and one of the injuries was an old injury

you know i had one acl

and meniscus tear from my old

taekwondo days

and that one reinjured

first in jiu

jitsu and then i injured the

other leg but that’s over fucking

i’ve been doing

it now for 14 years that’s a long ass time

you know i only have a few

minor injuries and to roll like all the time

because most

of the time you’re rolling with dudes you can trust

and you know you’re not

gonna fucking dump each

other on each

other’s heads you’re not

gonna you’re not

gonna hurt each

other if you don’t have to

like when you get an arm bar or something you back off

before you know you know you know when a dude is god

you know you don’t hurt each other

so but you can

trust people you can’t

trust a fucking

horse you can’t

trust a horse

if a horse just decides fuck this

it just digs

those legs in you’re done son

you’re gonna go flying

you’re you’re on a

giant super

powerful animal an animal that’s so

strong it can run

like what fifty

miles an hour with a person on its back

are you fucking kidding me

you’re gonna go off like a pillow

you’re just

gonna go flying off you’re not even

gonna believe

how light you feel well that

horse just stops

and just throws his

muscular fucking

shoulders up

into it you just launch like you’re on a spring

head first right into the dirt

snap hear your neck

snap but how cool

would it be fuck if none of us had cars

cause like gas went out and we all had to get

horses we all had our own

horse and like

every time we

hung out we all had our

horses together

and that’s ridiculous

to be friends with what if a horse

breaks his leg you gotta

shoot him in the head i know i

think that’s terrible no but then we get a new

horse like our two of our friends horses

would mate and have

a baby horse

it would be cool just to have your own horse

brian was robin

you definitely had one

extra hit i

think should not have had that

third hit i

think it’s cool

i live in an equestrian

district when it’s nice

it’d be nice if you were with the

horse and you

treated it very well from the time it was

young so you had an awesome relationship with the

horse right

but that’s not always

gonna be the case

and it’s gonna be

like you go to a dog park with your dog there’s always

gonna be some douchebag with

his fucking dog that wants to bite everybody’s dogs

you know and that’s

gonna be what it’s

gonna be like with

horses man they’re too

you can’t trust people to

raise the horses correctly

so you’re gonna have a

bunch of horses out there that are douchebag

horses they’re

gonna get mad at your horses

you have douchebag wars gang wars

it would be awesome

this is the most

ridiculous conversation

we’ve ever heard what’s

crazy is that she

would be awesome to have a horse

what else brian

well i wish unicorns are real

no but is that not

what you get i get a pony

what if oil that’s

cause i can’t

get a pegasus what if we run out of oil or if we all

run out of oil and we all

go back to golf and we all go back to that that’d be

crazy if we had to go

back to work

it’s really

ridiculous how

short a period

of time i put this on my twitter this week

i was just thinking

about it how nutty it is that two hundred years ago

the fastest

way to get around was on the back of an animal right

two hundred years ago that’s nothing

and there was no

photographs the best way to get an

image of someone was to draw them

two hundred years ago

that’s nothing that’s a

blink in time

jesus christ

and it’s all because of

you know technology and oil unfortunately

it’s all because of oil

all the plastic all the shit we use i mean

how much is oil like embedded

in our life

it’s totally it’s the main

thing for almost all the

world religion and oil together

yeah well there’s

people that believe that religion and oil are

stuffed in together

you know on purpose just to make

it easier to control the oil

you know whether or not that’s

the idea that the cia is involved and all

these secret

shadow government

organizations are involved in creating

drama and turmoil

so that we always have an

enemy over there

and that’s a very real theory and you

know if you talk to people who understand

you know how the united

states is involved in

other countries

and how you know

we do sell arms to people like iran and

iraq and we do you know provide them with weapons and

we play both sides of the fence we provide

their enemy with shit too and

we create drama

you know so we can go in there and

clean it up

we should find a way to make

money off religion oil combining the two like

jesus oil i

think they already

have i mean

the people involved in the oil business are all

the people that are supporting the conservative right

but at this

point i think the concern

i think everybody’s involved

you know i don’t

think it’s just the conservatives i don’t

think it’s just

the republicans the democrats are just as like

i mean i believe

obama was in

favor of offshore

drilling you know i

think there

was so much pressure that we need to relieve ourselves

of the need for foreign oil that

they were in support of it i

think everybody

was in support of it look it seemed like a

great idea i

mean i thought

it was a good idea i’m like if they don’t

spill that shit and

doesn’t seem like they do very often

i was like well hey if they know what they’re doing

that’s the problem

if they know what they’re doing so i was in

favor of it too

until i saw this and i was like okay this is

crazy like i didn’t know that this

could happen

i thought that if something

breaks you just shut it off

you know i thought like you have

some sort of

a fail safe like i can’t believe they had no

backup plan

like this they don’t know the

exact estimate

but one of the

estimates is 40 000

they’re talking

about 40 000 gallons a day

that’s insane yeah

think of how much oil that is

well think how big the

ocean is but i’ve

heard hundreds of thousands i’ve

heard a million gallons a day i’ve

heard all these different

i’ve heard 400 000

but even if it’s a thousand gallons of oil a day

even that have you seen the slick

the slick is gigantic pretty fucking

great you can see it with a

satellite i hate seeing the animals that they’re like

cleaning off

their sponges and

stuff like that well one of the ways that people

are describing it they’re saying that it could be

apocalyptic like that was the language that they used

apocalyptic

apocalyptic it just sells more

t shirts joe

is that what it is yeah

i don’t know dude it seems pretty look at look at

we’re looking at images

right now and you can’t see because you’re not here

but the streak is gy

fucking gantic

okay forty two thousand gallons of oil per day

that’s that’s what

these people are saying i mean who knows if they’re

right nobody’s down there with a fucking a measuring

spoon measuring

spoon measuring

spoon what the fuck am i even talking about

nobody’s down there measuring for real but

it is an insane amount of oil

and it’s leaking out

every day and they don’t know exactly how they’re

gonna stop it

and i heard someone last night

but this is a dude in jiu jitsu

class so who knows if he was telling me the truth

he could have been just talking out of his ass

but he was saying that they

could stop the oil but the way they

would have to stop it is blow up

the well they

would have to blow it up and if they did that the oil

would stop but then they’d

be fucked because they don’t want to do that because

they have this well down there they want to protect

and they want to be able to turn it back on

again eventually

if that’s true that’s insane

if there really

is a fix and all you have to do is blow it up

and they’re

worried because this company wants to

continue to pump oil out of there

number one is you

gotta stop what you’re doing

you gotta stop all this oil coming out

you know did you

build you built the well you

built it right you

built it you

gonna have to

build a new one

okay you can’t salvage the parts of this

while it’s bleeding oil into the ocean

i mean that’s bananas

like if there really

is a fix and the fix involves them destroying the

whole thing

you got to destroy the

whole thing

first and then rebuild it

i don’t care how many years it takes to make one of

those things it

doesn’t that

doesn’t mean anything

how many years is

gonna take to

clean up what the fuck he did can’t you just

get a ship of cat litter and put it on it

isn’t that what you do in the garage

imagine it was that simple

if cat litter just clung

to it and all you’d do is pour bags of it and make

these big gelatinous

cat litter and oil glob

boulders that be sitting on the bottom of the

ocean floor

and they would just

scoop them up

scoop them up

like one of those cat

that are spoons

it’s like more

sense than what

they’re doing now well they’re not doing anything now

they’ve tried to stop it and

they’ve cut it back a little bit

apparently supposedly from the most recent

reports but

as far as getting it stopped or even

under control

they’re not even close

they could be a week away from doing something

you know they’re talking

about putting some kind of

giant dome over it i mean the

whole thing is see that’s

ridiculous yeah it’s a superman

movie if it works in the garage it will work in the

ocean it’s fucking bananas the

whole thing is bananas it’s

literally gonna kill

everything in that area

i mean there’s the slick

i mean i’m looking

at the images when they show them to you online and it

doesn’t seem real

that does seem

crazy it does it

literally doesn’t seem real

look at this there’s images

if you go to

earth observatory nasa

gov you know you

could just throw that

picture and you

stream producer and show everybody

right now i can

yeah i don’t do that

save it on your desktop and then just

throw it in there god damn

brian you’re so

smart boink

image is slick

and put that on my desktop

and now i go to you

stream producer and i just drag that in

yeah this is not interesting at all

times that are listening online

how do i do this

i think you add

picture services picture mm hmm

right there open image file

image file that’s open video file

i think you clicked on

open image file let’s go down to your desktop

first look

so

let’s see if this works folks

what we did is we just

start yeah there we go we just started using

this thing called

ustream producer

and the reason why so now you can see

these ustream video podcasts on your iphone

and your ipad

you fucking junkies

you visual junkies

but look at that goddamn

slick if you’re looking at this on you

stream if you’re not

and you’re on itunes

check this out when you get home go go

google it go to the nasa site

and you see the size of this fucking oil slick

on a satellite

image and it’s bananas it’s really hard to grasp

it’s so big

and it’s just non stop and they don’t even have it

under control and

it’s just pumping

oil and i don’t know how the fuck they’re

gonna i don’t know how they’re

gonna fix that shit yeah

i don’t know i mean i don’t

think they know either man

i don’t think they know

yeah live shot

yeah and just

see now in the future you just keep that’s

pretty dumb

man powerful producer

software powerful

nice so uh you know

until we get off fossil fuels

we’re never

gonna be able to avoid

catastrophes

that happen when when oil

spills there was another one that just happened

where a and

in the malacca

strait an oil tanker exploded

and this was yesterday

in peck and baroo

i don’t know

where that is

a crude oil tanker was reported to have

exploded like they fucking explode that shit’s

flammable you know i mean

you can’t get away from that we have to

you know as a species

we have to get past that they have to figure out these

super duper

smart dudes have to figure out some new way you know

right now it’s so hard to do that because

their system is so oil

based and it works so well

i mean think

about how much we

travel think

about everything you do

basically is involved in

going somewhere and burning fuel

you know i’m never

i’m home for a few days

you know i’m home i’m here i mean i don’t sometimes i

never leave my

house at all for a few days

but there’s still like

i’m fucking

using electricity i

mean you know you’re constantly

using things that are made of plastic you’re constantly

consuming things that people are produced from oil

and i don’t see that change in

how the fuck is that

gonna change

we would have to come up with a new way

to restructure the

whole society so there

would have to be some sort of a reason to do that

to get away from the oil there

would have to be some drastic reason it

would have to be like a cataclysm

it would literally have to be something that

resets society and

causes us to

start from scratch

because unless we run out

and we’re not

gonna like pay attention

until we run out it’s

gonna be like

oh shit we’re out

fuck now we do

you know like

literally they’re not

gonna they’re not like protecting us and

giving us a nice

safety nasal society can progress easily from here

until then it’s not him

god i was like

yeah yeah potas always

think that it’s him man fucking pot man

and maybe it would maybe it would help

you know but that’s not gonna fix everything

it’s not gonna fix everything it’s it’s

definitely we’ve got to do something

this this oil

thing does not work

it’s i mean

there’s a lot of weird arguments

about what oil actually

is and some people believe that oil is some sort of

a natural substance created by the earth

there’s a whole book

i got on it

called black gold stranglehold

i haven’t bothered to research

online to find out if it’s been totally disproven

or whether it’s bullshit

but this guy’s

argument is that the oil isn’t fossil fuels

it’s not like really like

plankton or dead

plants or shit like that

what people assume that it is millions of years of that

but with a finite

amount left in the

earth but actually it’s some sort of a natural

fluid that’s produced by the earth

and if that’s the

truth if he’s

right and he’s probably not

right but if he is

right that’s like

the blood of the world

like we’re like little

vampire bugs

sucking off the

blood of the world

that’s too trippy man

even if fossil fuels i mean

i mean even if it’s not that

you know even if it is

the decay of

things that have

existed on this earth and

were consumed by death

and decayed and created this substance that we use now

even if that’s the case

then it’s like the shit of the earth

then it’s like we’re sucking the shit of the

earth out well either way

it’s like we’re sucking something

out that’s a part of some sort of a natural cycle

you know it’s all supposed to be in there

it’s like literally like

we’re like fucking mosquitoes man

we really are

like the earth is us

yeah the earth is us and we’re ticks

we’re ticks

sucking off the

blood and the most

progress that we’ve ever had in the history of our race

was when we

started sucking off the

blood of the earth

when we started

cannibalizing

mother gaia when we

started eating our

mother that’s when

everything started

going awesome

that’s when they created cars and computers and

cell phones and

you know google

voice in your pocket

all that shit

is all because that we have this oil because we have

figured out a way to make shit out of oil and we can

transport shit with oil we could get

planes to fly

using oil and we

could i mean it’s fucking bananas

it’s what a

crazy society one

thing comes

along combustion engines

figuring out how to use oil

for plastic for fuel for all

these different things

and everything just goes ba nana’s

and then the question is what’s next have you

heard about the

smart dust shit yeah

dude cliffy b cliffy b our friend

cliffy b over at epic games sent me this

you gonna you gonna have to google this

you gotta google up smart dust

this is the most bizarre

thing that i think i have ever

heard in my fucking life these are

listen to this these these are wireless devices

that are the size of grains of sand

inside these wireless devices the size of

grains of sand they have the ability to

transmit wirelessly

they have a power source

they have the ability to receive

and send data

they have the ability to take images

it’s the size of a fucking

grain of sand what website is cnn this is on cnn now

it is fucking bananas and they’re literally talking

about this being this smart dust

being a real world web

and the idea is that wireless sensors

that you can use these wireless sensors to monitor

everything all over the world all the time like

literally there will be no privacy

so don’t you think this

smart desk probably would already have existed

you know if this was true

stuff it’s probably already here well it is true stuff

it’s probably in our room

right now you mean you think they’ve already been

using it and they’re just telling us about it yeah

cause wouldn’t they

use it first and then i think

science is pretty easy to track

i think it’s pretty easy to

track up to a certain

point like what people are capable of

but this i mean

because i don’t know if

the guys who make the most

money the top scientists

who they are incorporated by i’m not familiar with the

scientific world so i don’t know if

they get recruited by big corporations

or if they get recruited by the government i mean

who gets all

the best scientists you know who gets all the crazy

genius dude money

money does right

oil and well this thing is

this is a really bananas

fucking project it’s really hard to explain how

crazy this is

there’s a company called

street line that’s installed 12 000

sensors on parking spots

and highways in san francisco

and the sensors

what they know

is whether or

not there’s a car in that spot and what they’re

gonna do is they’re

gonna figure

out a way to give you data so say if you’re

i’m going 16th

street and fairbanks

you know i need

a parking spot is there any available yes there’s one

right here go get it

and they’ll tell you whether

or not there’s traffic headed to that parking spot

traffic’s clear no cars nearby

like you can fuckin

go they’ll tell you

where the traffic is like the

sensors on the

street will be able to pick up traffic

and they’ll know what

speed it’s moving at

there’s gonna be no more

speeding son they’re

gonna be able to know who you are and how fast you’re

going all the time

like that’s real

that’s gonna suck

that’s gonna fucking suck so there’s not

gonna be any

sports cars

no sports cars you’re

gonna have to

turn into shit and get some slow ass you’re

gonna have to only have horses

you and the

horses man because

horses you can’t

it’s not ethical

no the senses

yeah you can’t who cares about

speeding on

horses well the

sensors are

gonna be in the streets so they’ll be able to

tell you that your

horse is going too fast

there wasn’t a

speed limits when people had

horses right i don’t

think so it was actually better to go as fast as you

could you had the best

horse as fast as you

could you probably had the best

horse so we are

gonna go back if you fell

as fast as you

could you know

maybe we should take it easy and just

play it safe that’s why you have

leather shit on

leather’s just not

gonna help you when you land on

your fucking head on a cobblestone

street cause the

horse slaps

cause he saw a rat censored to protect it the

horse freaks out man sees a fucking raccoon and

you go flying

smash your head on the curb

that’s it horses

horses fuck boyle

well this real

world web that they are trying to create

is one of the strangest

inventions that i

think i have ever

heard about

i did not know that they were this far

along i mean

these smart dust

sensors can be relatively

small and portable

what they’re talking

about with this

is that they’re

going to have trillions of

these things all over the world

i mean this is the idea behind it

is this even possible though or is this just theories

if you were packards involved and

they’re calling it the central nervous

system for the

earth in the coming years the company plans to deploy

a trillion sensors all over the planet

what how bananas is

first of all

how bananas

is it that someone’s letting them do that like you’re

gonna do what

like can’t we vote on this

before you put

yeah why can’t we vote on

it seems like we have to

vote jesus christ

you know there will be no privacy

there will be no privacy it will be impossible

someone will be able to detect

everything this

can’t happen because then if it’s like this

then we can put

sensors in the

white house yes it can yes it can

dude i’ve been

saying for a long time that i believe that the next

stage of human beings

is going to be

the no secret

stage that’s

gonna there’s

gonna be some i mean it’s

gonna be eventually it’s

gonna get to the point

where we can see each

other’s thoughts

and we can communicate with each

other and read each

other’s minds and memories and ideas and we get each

other’s ideas directly from each other

that’s the next stage

but it’s not

gonna go directly to that

it’s gonna take a little pit stop

along the way

and the pit stop is gonna take

along the way is no more privacy

that’s step number one

before the interface before

human beings are allowed to interface with each other

before we’re allowed to

become one gigantic

wireless mind

and that’s possible and

probable i think that’s the future i

think there’s

gonna be some sort of a neural

connection that

allows everybody to connect with everybody

but before that happens

they’re gonna have to come up with something like this

before that happens there’s

gonna be an intermediate

step and an intermediate step will be no more privacy

you’re gonna be able to

watch people fuck

you’re gonna

be able to see everything

all the time

maybe we’re looking at the negative part of this

i don’t think

now we can see yeah now we

can say now we can see people fuck i

could fucking

watch you yeah but i

watch you fuck

not with my narrow

blocker i’m gonna make

when make my narrow

blocker i got the latest shit yo

that’s what the problem everybody’s

gonna have the latest

shit yeah it’s

gonna be like computer

viruses you’re

gonna have to always be one step up

do you know there’s something like

fucking four thousand newcomer was at 440

how many computer

viruses are created a day

but at some

point fucking

crazy number i almost said bananas

again which

would have been annoying

but caught myself

think about how

crazy that is yeah they’re

gonna get to a

point where

i mean how many is that 42

how many are out there

who gives a fuck

our point is

ladies and gentlemen

that our privacy

is slowly going away

and i think that that is a part of the natural

evolution of the

human race i

think that the

human race is

evolving to something that is no longer

deal with embarrassment

it’s no we’re

gonna have a different

set of needs

because our environment has

changed so radically

from what our physical biology is coded for

that it’s forcing this sort of an evolution

technology is forcing us

to evolve socially

as what as it is

evolving like technologically

like as they come up with

crazy and crazy shit that dissolves

boundaries more and more

were forced to play catch up

and that’s what’s

gonna happen if

we get to a point

where there’s no more privacy then we’re

gonna realize how

ridiculous privacy is in the

first place

you know we’re

gonna realize how

ridiculous embarrassment is and shame is

and all the

stupid shit

like my daughter

never once admit when she shitting

and she’s fucking too she

never wants a

minute you pooping right now

she’ll like

shake her head no

making making shit faces

you know she

doesn’t want you to

touch her like

they get embarrassed it’s like

it’s almost a natural coating

in our system

and i think eventually all that

stuff is gonna deteriorate

i think it’s

gonna dissolve it’s

gonna be crushed

by innovation

i think that’s what’s

gonna force us to catch up

cause it’s like

the things that we accept

as part of our normal

culture and the way we behave

a lot of it is just what we get used to

i mean think

about the shit that people get used to in

other countries

think about the

cultures and

the weird traditions

that people have been a part of like throughout history

amish people and

people who have

plates in their lips and

nutty motherfuckers

do all kinds of different rituals all over the world

you know it’s all what you get used to

you know we’re just used to privacy

we’re used to it

it’s not necessary it’s

gonna be more important for us to get rid of douchebags

it’s gonna be more

important for us to realize the importance of educating

human beings and raising

human beings

that think correctly

and to be responsible for the

human beings you create and raise

like you’re

responsible for your fucking dog biting something

but you’re not responsible for your son

you know like

becoming a mass

murderer you know then it’s just oh he got

crazy i don’t know what happened

you know if your son kicks someone’s ass

and does a bad

thing to someone and

breaks their property

you can get sued

and you will

have to pay for that kid’s medical expenses

and you have to but

if your son

is some fucking mass murderer i mean what are they

gonna do they’re

gonna sue you

what are they gonna do

maybe they don’t even put you in jail you

should go to fucking jail

you made a monster

you made someone who likes to kill hookers

how did that happen

oh it just happened we don’t even know

the fuck you don’t know you did something terrible

you were so shitty

at raising a

human being

that you raised a

human being that likes to kill

and eat other

human beings

cause sometimes that’s totally just

nothing to do

with parents i don’t believe that you don’t no so you

think i think there are some

things that happen to people genetically i certainly

think so what do you

think i think you should be

able to recognize that yeah but that’s not

how you connecting gay people serial killers

because that’s something that they’re not

trained to do you mean that you mean

they weren’t raped like parents

just a deviation

in sexual desires this that’s just just

that’s how you look

some people’s eyes are blue some people’s eyes are

brown see people like you know

that’s just

it just wires get

crossed this person likes

to get suck dicks this person likes to stab somebody

how your brain know

about that man

sociopaths they’re not exactly sure

where that comes from

and it’s not necessarily that every

serial killers are sociopath some people are just

obsessed and insane and broken and they have a lot of

other issues

but they think that

there’s a lot

more sociopaths people that don’t care

about other people’s feelings a lot more than you think

yeah and they don’t know though whether

it comes from nature or nurture i just can’t think

like all right

a lot of speculation like

your dad molestes you you stab somebody

or your dad lets you

watch anger

and when you

know it’s not

watching horror movies

if anything that’s been proven that

watching horror

movies and playing

video games

is a release according to todd hallingshead

from id software he and i were having a conversation

about this the

other night

when he was saying that violence

among kids has gone down

since popularity in

video games and violent

video games has gone up

that it has sort of a cathartic

release sort of a

thing and that’s what they believe in

japan too i

think it’s turning us into

superhumans with

i think there’s better driving from

video games

the other day somebody just the

world record for sniper shooting

a guy shot somebody

a mile and a half away

you know i think that

video games that’s from

video games i

think video games hand

eye coordination is off the fucking hook i mean

if you think

about it like

how much it is like for people that play

video games all day it’s all

about hand eye coordination it’s about

you know shit like that and what’s amazing is that

they use the same controller for the xbox for those

drones yeah

they use the

xbox controls and playstation controllers there you go

they’re used to doing that right

i mean if they

allow him to choose

if you know you get to the army of guys like can

you do playstation i’m more of an xbox sort of a guy

i think they do that they

have different

well we i like

you remote xbox to me

is like you know it’s like

marvel vs dc

there’s never a dc kind of a guy like marvel

right you know

well fucking ps3 i ain’t fuck your playstation

those are faggy

sure there must be dudes like

that out there totally they go into the army but say

man i was pissed off i had to play with the playstation

i kill people with a playstation remote

until they’re mad i wanted to represent xbox

for my country

the navy is all we nintendo we yeah

yeah they’re all just

kidding you know but they they do

pilot those

drones with

with the same controllers which is really crazy

when i when i first

heard that that they do that i was like that is genius

make sense i mean why not

these kids they grow

up and they’re so goddamn coordinated with that shit

you wanted someone to be awesome at killing

people with remote controlled devices who the fuck

would you get besides that yeah

they’re the masters

well they use it now in the army they use

video games for

going into cities and

stuff they have like

call of duty shit dude it’s

crazy if you really

watch like some

young kids that are badass

video game players like

i got a chance to

watch this dude

named fatality

his name is

jonathan wendell i

think is his name i met him in

vegas too is a really cool guy

he’s a ufc fan i met him at one of the ufcs and

he lives in

vegas and this dude is the number one he was at

least at one

point in time the number one

quake player in the world

and i got to

see him play live once it was at e3 the big

electronics

thing in the

conference whatever the fuck it is convention

in los angeles

and i got to see him play

quake live it was ridiculous

quake is like fast

twitch muscle

fibers it’s all like

what quake is if you’ve

never played

quake before and

good for you because that shit will addict

the fuck out of you that that shit

ate up years of my life

it’s an awesome game

and you’re in this

three dimensional

world it’s a

first person

shooter so you’re holding a

rifle or a rocket launcher or something

and you’re running through

these really complicated

three dimensional mazes and you’re fighting

other people in near real time

and it is real

time if you hook the two computers up and you play

against each other

it’s so fucking fun

it’s so fun it’s so

crazy it’s fucking

bananas i almost said bananas

again god damn it

rockets are flying and rail guns and you’re

electrocuting dudes with a light gun

lightning gun

lightning bolt gun

so much goddamn fun i

watch this dude play this guy live like he played like

challengers like people

would step up and play him

it was the most the most

ridiculous rape you’ve ever seen in your life

it would be like brock lesnar

fighting my cat

that’s what it was like i mean

these guys would just get destroyed and you

watch this guy’s like hand eye coordination like man

that’s incredible

to get that

good at one specific type of game to get locked in

you know that’s totally applicable

for like warfare right

fuck we’re learning how to kill people in

video games just like that starfighter movie

remember that movie

where they went and they put a game out to

see who would be awesome remember war games

it was like all

based off like a

video game or something

like that was gonna cut into the world

yeah matthew roger was a

see that’s see that’s a movie you can’t

watch nowadays because that’s just gay if you

watch that you’re

like this is the most unbelievable bullshit ever oh

i watched aliens the

other day when i was watching

aliens they had the scene

where he was talking

to the computer and the computers like old ass text

they haven’t even figured out a

graphic user interface back then

there was like no idea that that

would ever take

place it was like

computers were all

lights all around you for no reason

everything was all lit up and big and stupid

it’s like oh that’s your computer yeah that’s

how ridiculous is that it’s like star trek

it’s just yeah

so who knows what the fuck is ever

gonna happen with this

smart dust shit but

you know i find

it amazing that this is something that’s on you know

cnn labs on

you know on the internet but i’m not hearing

about this anywhere

is anybody hearing

about this sure that was was that published

april first by the way

no may third

no just double checking

it seems ridiculous

no it was yesterday it does seem ridiculous

but it was yesterday

so this is a real project a real

thing i mean if that’s really happening

right now i mean are they gonna

let us know

when it goes live

i just don’t see how like

the government’s

allowing that dude they’re just doing it

there’s no there’s

no precedent yeah but it’s like google

maps there i mean they’re

they’re doing some nutty shit man

they’re just

just i mean google maps actually has gotten in

trouble for a few

things there has been some

some disputes

about what they are oh yeah

whole cities

not be allowed

yeah but what

these guys are doing is

you know i think that they probably

feel like they’re just creating a network you know

i don’t know i don’t i mean

maybe they’re exaggerating the capabilities

maybe there’s some dispute

about what’s

gonna be possible and what’s not

gonna be but the bottom line is they’re not

gonna stop here

they’re not

gonna stop with this

you know if this is something they’re creating in

2010 what the fuck are they

gonna have in 2020

you know what are they

gonna have in two thousand thirty

there’s there’s

gonna be some nutty shit son

it’s getting

fucking crazy

it’s like us talking

about 10 years ago and nothing really

like oh we don’t have vcrs anymore we have blu ray

you don’t think a lot of

things have changed in 10 years yeah to a

point but then you also

think like on

a high end level

well not done with the high end but it

the higher end of technology

things have changed drastically like with the

large hadron collider and

those guys in

i think it’s

massachusetts that are trying to recreate a sun

they’re trying to figure out how to make a fucking sun

what is that about i don’t even know

i don’t even know the exact

specifics of that case

you know i’ll

look it up scientists trying to create sun

so ufc coming up

that’s crazy that he injured his

shoulder hit

that’s not this ufc that was another one

which one’s the future one i think his is

he was on the undercard of

rashad evans i think i don’t know

be honest with you

yeah nuclear fusion

scientist attempt to create artificial sun on earth

oh nothing’s gonna happen

wrong there that’s definitely gonna be fine

they’re gonna make a fucking sun

we’re gonna have little portable suns that

exist all around the

earth and that’s

pretty sweet

you know yeah

unless it blows up like the fucking

oil tank no what if you have your own portable sun

that just followed you around and kept you warm yeah

unless it blows up like the fucking oil tanker

could you imagine yeah

why do you always look at the bright side of

things why do you always look at the bad side of things

together we’ve worked out we’re like the odd couple

like tom and jerry there’s two

things on the shoulder like the devil and the angel tom

and jerry that’s animal house son

remember animal

house yeah it’s on everything i guess

yeah it’s been on a million

things there was

a comic that used to do an act like

that norm mcdonald was making fun of him remember oh

yeah remember he had like

a logical logical

left brain right

brain um so

look we don’t

know what the fuck is really happening with the

smart dust but

you got to read

imagine snorting

this you got people are

gonna find a way to take his snort

make get high off of it

this is this

i got high off the

smart dust dude

hp shit yeah

this is hilarious the research that

this is despite

these differences researchers say the

smart dust theory

that monitoring

everything will benefit

humanity remains

essentially unchanged

they believe this will benefit

humanity to monitor everything

maybe i think they might be

right i think we might have to accept the fact that

technology is going to keep moving forward and if

technology keeps moving forward what is the end result

what’s going to be the end of the rainbow what is

is there a singularity as ray kurtz will would say or

you know terrence mckenna says you know time wave zero

you know is there a moment of

ultimate novelty

a moment where they create something that’s so fucking

crazy that it changes everything

this is probably the beginning man

this smart dust shit is probably the fucking beginning

you know google is probably beginning

that yeah google is a part of it man google

is that browser that chrome browser is fucking amazing

it’s my favorite browser by far yeah so this

this nuclear fusion

thing this is the scientist trying to create this

this actual artificial sun or

a natural sun i

guess it would

actually be a sun i mean it’s made out of the same

elements that a star is made out of

right i mean if it’s a sun it’s a sun

it’s like a fake tit right

maybe it’s a fucking sun

well maybe they’re just you

throwing that name sun around

it’s just a really hot

light bulb yeah

well it just

seems wait wait wait what’s a sun it’s a planet no it’s

if you want

to if you want to look it up it’s in the telegraph

as of yesterday

oh no okay no it was published

in says it was published in 2008

2008 all right

there’s a host so i

think they’re moving no it’s not a hoax

dude they’re moving oh my god look at it there it is

right there

jesus christ

this image of this

thing is like a fucking x men

inside the target chamber

where scientists will attempt to create an artificial

sun what the fuck man

yeah but what’s the latest update

i don’t know research shows that

these two guys were just smoking a lot of weed

i don’t think your son

didn’t exist

they just made it in paintbrush

it’s pretty fascinating

when you listen to it

well it seemed an impossible goal for nearly

100 years scientists now believe they are at the brink

on the brink rather of

cracking one of the biggest problems in physics

by harnessing the

power of nuclear fusion

the reaction that burns at the

heart of a sun they really

think they could do this

wow

are people allowed

to have like the ingredients to make a sun

you know it seems like you shouldn’t be allowed

to make have the ingredients to make sons well i mean

look we can look they the manhattan project

basically harness the

power of a sun you know it’s a nuclear energy is

right right

so you’re not

allowed to buy weed but you’re allowed to make

nuclear explosions

fireball this is sort of an older

story it seems like i’m fine it from

2008 with no no updates

find one of the sciences

names and then just google that guy’s name and then

under more options and google

put the last month

you crazy fuck

yeah seems like december twenty seven two thousand

eight is when the

now here’s two thousand nine

again uh oh

oh they’re trying to make it in

two thousand eighteen that’s when they believe it’ll be

but the bottom line is

some shit is fucking happening

that’s the bottom line

these while we

think about

tiger woods and

you know do you hear the new show that

put together

they’re trying to put together

a show where

tiger woods mistresses are gonna

get together with

jesse james mistresses

and they’re gonna

search for love they’re

gonna have like a game show you serious

all together

would you hear to make it a porno out

of the one main porn star that supposedly fucked with

tiger woods making a porn now with

tiger woods

look alikes

you could make

real shows with all

those girls and people

would tune in

every week you

could just put them as a cast

that’s what they

should do like any scandal that comes out they

should take the cast members and put them as a cast on

other shows

like you know like they’ll

start out with like

you know you put them on the apprentice

you know like

see if you can figure out a way to make a business you

know now you know you don’t have any more

money coming from tiger

you got to figure out what you’re

gonna do you’re

gonna have to make money

and you’re in the public eye so let’s put you on tv

so they get on the

apprentice and they try to figure out if they can

start a business well that’s no good

well oh i always wanted

to be a singer okay american idol you put them all

the whole american idol the

whole season

tigers mistress

well you can’t sing can you

dance and put them on dancing with the stars all

the whole season

tigers mistresses on dancing with the stars

you know i mean

i mean how many more fucking

how many more of these

stupid stories can we have

while many shit is

going on like people trying to create suns

and you know and

these little tiny

sensors that go over the

world how many people are

aware of this

smart dust stuff

the amount that this

should be a huge fucking story this

should be something that makes everybody’s jaw drop

where you step back and go what are they

going to do they’re

going to monitor everything

what does that mean

what exactly does that mean i mean

what is it gonna

start with just little bits of information like

there’s a person in this area is it

gonna eventually get to a

point where they can have your image

and you can see

everything everywhere

and eventually

are they gonna get to a

point where you’re

gonna be able to tap into that shit with your fucking

brain it just seems like there

should be voting before this

would ever happen

for real but there’s not there’s no voting on whether

or not we go to afghanistan you vote a president in

and then the president gets

to decide all sorts of fucked up shit that nobody wants

if you allowed the american people to decide 90

of the shit we got involved in

would never happen so we have it set up

where you don’t get to decide

you get to decide on who gets to decide

that’s what you get to decide on

which is fucking ridiculous

the idea that one guy should be

trusted to fucking run everything

in this day and age

where as much as we know

about how complicated the

world is that’s fucking

nonsense that’s

total nonsense

but yet we accept it

the right way to do it

would be to have everybody vote on

things the problem with that is

people are fucking

stupid they’re really easy to

manipulate you

could tell them all sorts of shit that’s not true and

the dumb ones

would all buy it

and the dumb ones are more than half

so now what do you do

so it’s almost like you have to have someone who you

think is pretty

smart to get into

power so that he can make the decisions

for you guys and look out for your best interest

but that’s when

money gets involved and they get fucking

corporations and the corporations come the long money

to make sure

that you get an office once you get an office

like yo man like we really like

the oil that we’re getting from the

amazon jungle and we like to keep getting that shit and

you know there’s some

places we like to cut down some trees

a lot of bitches hating

you know and they go

i got you i got you i got you you want cut down trees

tree son is what we do

gonna go over there we

give them a

giant ass loan they can’t pay back and then when

they can’t pay it back we’ll jack them take their shit

and we’ve been doing that

since fucking the beginning of time

there’s there’s

money involved and when there’s

money involved you can

never have real power

you know the real

power can’t be isolated in one area

they can’t be like

all this influence

where like one

group or one person or one one one organization

gets to control shit

because then everybody’s

gonna be trying to kiss ass

to that organization to get them to do what they want

so they can they can conduct business

and that’s what we’re dealing with

that’s why people can’t vote for everything

because a real democracy

wouldn’t work

we’re fucking

babies we’re infantile

there’s no way

with the way

we’ve been live in our society like there’s some big

daddy looking out for us

you know there’s no way we can go from that to like

being able to be

completely free and vote for

everything that happens it’d be too complicated

right now that’s just

gonna take a long time but i don’t

think it’s ever

gonna happen

i think something’s gonna

just bypass it and launch our

culture and launch our

civilization

into the next

stage i think we’re

never gonna

evolve as we are

in this form

i think this form

is all about

fucking and violence and

chaos and laughter and nonsense

that’s this life that’s this life this

life is all about love

and friendships and shit you like to do and fun

and it’s hang on

hang on to the big ship that is humanity

because some shit is

gonna change

and you’re about to go through a new door

and when we go through that new door

all this shit that you’ve been

worrying about

about whether or not you

should get a mac or a pc

or whether or not you’re a democrat or

republican or

whether or not you like family guy or fucking

fuck those hugs i

like south park

you know that’s all

gonna be nonsense

when the big change happens

and i think it’s coming

i think it is really fucking coming and i

think you see

things like this little

smart dust thing

and you see

things like people trying to create suns and you see

things like

what’s going on with the fucking oil

spill where there’s

gonna be some radical changes the

way people approach extracting oil from the ground now

people are gonna demand this is

gonna be a catastrophe

you know i think some shit is

changing dude

i think shit is changing

it’s freaky

it’s freaky to

think that this the

ridiculous notion of

2012 being you know the end of

humanity that is a date you can actually track

that it seems like it’s happening that way

i would not be shocked

if december 21st

2012 actually does turn out to be

some sort of

crazy invention

or insane innovation that catapults

the human race into the next

stage of existence you know what it’s

gonna be it’s

gonna be nothing

it’s gonna be

completely nothing it’s

gonna be like

turning 2000

it’s gonna be like the computer

virus at 2000

it might not be dude or it

might happen before then i mean it

might be a rough

estimate but i

think there’s

gonna be something that takes place

and i think it’s

gonna involve

i think la is

gonna have a bad

earthquake i

think that’s

definitely gonna happen i

think so yeah i

think that’s just

lately i every day on my

chrome or my homepage

the thing that pops up is my google page and one of the

things my widgets

is the earthquake map

for los angeles

and if you’ve been

watching ever

since that earthquake in san

diego for the lot what was that

month and a half ago you an earthquake

expert or is this just rambling

no this is i see the same

i’ve been following

earthquakes

just as a hobby i

guess for the last

seven years

i go to this website

that just shows like the

earthquake map

see dude if you believe in the

secret you’re creating

earthquakes

right now no no no i’m not but anyway

like manifesting it current

earthquakes

and ever you’re a

freak you go to a goddamn

earthquake projection center

yeah it just shows you the

earthquakes recently

but ever since the

san diego earthquake

there has been so much activity in mexico like maybe

maybe a hundred times more than

it normally is

like just well it turns into a big ass earthquake

right under the

house of some

crazy mexican

drug dealer i know that’s i’m saying you need to

a layer drug dealer

layer map over this google map to see what’s going on

because ever

since like a

month and a half ago it’s been

retarded so do you have a fear of

earthquakes

i don’t have a fear

but i’m interested in them and it’s just weird like

every day like right

the last whatever couple days

week there’s been nine hundred and twenty

earthquakes in la saint

or in california

and usually that

hovers about that same number

lately though

almost all of them have been in san

diego so much shit that can fuck us up man

there’s so much shit that can

fuck us up i have an

earthquake fetish that’s right

oh i got another good

story let me make a

few about how

about this guy who the

creep you have to pee

you have to make you

feel like it you can’t even hold on i tried

wait i’ll pee in the flashlight

don’t do that go go in the bathroom

rude while you go in the bathroom i’ll take questions

and when he comes back from the bathroom we’re

gonna talk about this dude his name is george wreckers

and he is a christian

right leader

and he just got busted with a twink

i love these stories

man this dude is like this real staunch anti gay

activist he’s a board

member of something called the national association for

research therapy

of homosexuality

it turns out he’s really gay

it turns out

that you know he was trying to pass all this

legislation he was

he’s in the american

college of pediatrics

or of pediatricians

and apparently the

american college of

pediatricians that’s like the name of it

but it really like they hand out

literature according to this one website

accusing gaze of

something called coprophilia c

o p r o ph i l i a

which means sexuality

while playing with shit coprophilia so they’re accusing

gaze of this

coprophilia this failure this obsession this sickness

and you know and saying how terrible gays are and how

adopted children that are

adopted to gay families are all fucked up

and meanwhile this dude the entire time

was banging dudes it’s really goddamn classic

he was caught on vacation with something called a rent

boy he went to rent boy calm

rent boy calm

and this is what he advertised for

the guy this is the guy that he went with

he has a smooth

sweet tight ass

and a perfectly

built 8 inch cock uncut

and he explains

that he is sensual wild and up for anything

so they catch this dude george

wreckers of

north miami

they catch him

the leading scholar

for the christian right

they catch him at the terminal with his gay

escort and start taking pictures

and this is

what the guy’s excuse was he says i had surgery

i can’t lift luggage

that’s why i hired him

that’s fucking

awesome that is pretty good that’s awesome take

the party rent

boy dot com

i mean if you were a gay dude and you were so

tired of people fucking with other gay dudes and said

coming up with all

these laws and make it impossible for you to get

married and make it more difficult

for you to adopt children

and make it more difficult for you to you know get

all sorts of shit you know

that shouldn’t be

denied from you because of your

sexual preference if you’re not doing anything

to harm anybody else

it’s ridiculous they would even

entertain that there’s something wrong with it

this one motherfuckers just

going off just

involved in so much so much legislation so much

so much activism

against homosexuals

and meanwhile this

fucking dude

advisory roles with congress the white

house department of health and human services

and testifying at a state’s witness in a

favor of florida’s gay adoption ban

this motherfuckers

going to rent boy com

and getting twinks

he’s getting

twinks if you know what

twinks are twinks

are the little boys the gay dudes like gay dudes like

19 year old boys are like

i don’t have any muscle on they look like little boys

they call him twinks

this dude was

going to get in

twinks is like i had surgery

i had surgery

wow i thought twinks was

twilight fans or something like all no

no twinks the original

twinks is a little

little gay dudes

my mom’s rude then because she was calling me a twink

wow it’s called you twink

i’m sure your mom

doesn’t know what that means your mom’s

got some fucking betty boop

definition of twin

i think somebody that likes hard

candy shit she

heard on little rascals

you know what the fuck does she know that

over i just this is like the ted

haggard case

just as good

it’s like so many of

these cases there’s

been so many of them it’s almost impossible to man

you know god was that guy’s name that was

he worked mark faber

he was another guy right

there’s been so many of them so many people that

are that are that are anti gay that turn out to be gay

it’s uh was

favor the one that was

trying to bang kids he was trying to bang he was gay

and he was trying to bang his

assistance and his what are

those congressional pages that’s what he’s doing

think this is named

favor whatever

if it’s not

you know the fuck i’m talking about

the it’s so many of

these guys that are trying to fight

against gay people

and trying to stop people from doing things

and they turn out to be gay

how do they not know that people are

gonna check

this teenage

how do you how

do you not know that if you’re a guy who’s like just

spending an exorbitant amount of time

trying to fight

the gay agenda

trying to stop gays from having the same

rights as straight couples

trying to just suppress people

what do you

think they would look at you

what do you

think they would

check you out yeah

it seems like it’s so

weird when it’s

always the loudest person that it’s always

it’s an incredible the suppression of

others for no reason when

you look into someone trying to suppress someone else’s

wants and desires for no reason

you have to

look at that person and you have to scrutinize

where they’re coming from because that’s not natural

that’s not a natural

thing like why

would you care they’re gay they’re having

fun you know what do you give a shit as long as he

doesn’t try to fuck you

you shouldn’t have a problem with them

you know there’s a

bunch of gay people

they find the

other gay people they have a good

party together who cares why do you care

you know it

doesn’t make

sense if you

care but if you do care and you’re out there

fighting it man

we got you we know now

it’s like it’s obvious

it’s all of you

you know i mean

how many of you how many of you the larry

craig guy i mean how many of you have to get busted

it’s it’s it’s

fucking bananas

shit bananas

got bananas

bananas this

you should be sponsored by chiquita i should be

yeah but i’m

gonna be sponsored by the

first flight because

fucking my manager and kiss my ass i

by the way i can’t stop thinking

about this right

don’t fuck it

don’t fuck it i kissed it

tastes real too ew dude

i hope some big fat

sweaty dude was well

inspected by number 20

yeah good it’s

good up my butt

it feels perfect

i love it love it

yes another senator

they got busted

watching porn in congress that’s hilarious

yeah there’s too many fucking people out there telling

other people how to live

their lives it’s

ridiculous and we shouldn’t tolerate it anymore

you know a certain

point in time we have to say fuck you that’s enough

you know it’s too it’s too crazy

and every one of them that are telling people

what to do with

their lives and what they shouldn’t be doing it

doesn’t hurt them

every one of them are fucked up across the board

whether they’re

muslims that

wanna throw rocks at you for drawing

pictures of muhammad or dancing

or the fuck it is whether it’s catholics whether

no matter anybody that’s

trying to suppress your behavior they’re all fucked up

if you’re not hurting anybody else

you’re fine

nobody’s got this

thing wired

nobody nobody is control of the fucking oil

nobody knows what’s happening

the oil is pouring down the ground

forty thousand fucking gallons a day brian at

least who knows

there’s no no answers folks

and that’s important because if we’re ever

gonna get past

where we are now we have to realize that no one

isn’t we can’t leave

the control

to like someone who we

think is like

more qualified than us and someone who’s on it like

obama or the idea of

obama or some any guy being president and being on it

you can’t be on the world

you can’t be on the country it’s impossible nobody can

and we have to accept that and

until we do

we’re gonna fucking hurt a lot of control

i agree and even if we do accept it i

think it’s it’s too late

i think what’s

gonna save us and what’s

gonna change us is technology that’s what i think yeah

totally i think when we realize i

think we’re slowly starting to realize

how full of shit people are

we’re slowly

starting to

as we get more and more intrusive into people’s lives

where we’re you know

we’re exposing like another level

of you know

understanding of

human beings

in busting politicians and busting

i mean there was

no like that guy that got busted elliot

what the fuck’s his name and spitzer

spitzer yeah in new york

i mean nobody

got busted like that before nobody’s ever got we’re

happy to see

in jail now

well you know that guy was a guy that was very

vocal about the

market about the

market being all fucked up and corrupt and

you know and talking

about all these companies

and he believes

that that’s one of the reasons why they went after him

and that’s why

the one of the reasons why they prosecuted him

prosecuted him

meanwhile guy was busting

people for prostitution and he was

using prostitutes

you know he was like

that was like another example

he was a guy that was like all adamant

against we’re

gonna stop prostitution like

oh what a good

thing to stop

you stop people getting

their dick sucked like what

why would you do that why why do you give a shit

you’re gonna really put so much

effort into that

well it turns

out the reason why he’s doing is because he’s

covering up the fact that he’s

using them like

wouldn’t he is no different than all

these crazy gay

activists that are

secretly gay

you know he’s hating

he he is trying to

cover it up

so we should look at

anyone that’s like a huge like loud person on a certain

topic like the guy

that like slim jims that went

to snap into slim jims probably

hates him no

no no you’re

not seeing it

correctly at all

that’s i know your time i was just joking i know you

are what we have

to look in is anyone this is the formula in my opinion

this is what i’ve seen to have

drawn out of it

you have to look at anyone

that is trying to suppress the behavior

or the desires

of anyone else

where it shouldn’t concern them

whether it’s someone who is

trying to stop you from

whatever the fuck

it is whether it’s masturbation whether it’s anything

they’re trying to suppress

your desire if they’re trying to stop you from

marrying other gay people you stop gay rights

look at them

look at them find out what the fuck it is

they’re trying to suppress prostute we

gotta stop prostitution

find that guy

he’s getting his dick sucked he’s paying for it

he’s a fucking

freak he’s a

freak and he’s crazy

all the people that are trying to suppress people

from doing things

that don’t affect

the person who’s trying to stop them from suppressing

things just

leave people the fuck

alone and if you don’t

leave people the fuck alone

you’re the problem

you know that’s really what it is

this elliott spitzer guy you know yeah

maybe you were exposing

you know these

these flaws in the market

maybe you were exposing corruption

but guess what douchebag

you were also getting people locked in a cage

because somebody gave so many

money to get

their dick sucked

which is fucking nonsense

in two thousand

ten you can

you can go to jail

because you can suck someone’s dick for free

but if they give you five dollars you’re a bad person

that’s ridiculous

it is ridiculous

that’s completely

ridiculous and then

any anyone who’s trying to suppress anybody else’s

desires or needs

and they’re trying to suppress them

in a way that you know it has nothing to do with them

you got to look at them

they’re all they’re

all fucked up they’re all doing something shitty

yeah i agree i’m glad you agree with me

that was a that ramp tapered off in the end

right it’s pretty good at the beginning

at an important point but

somewhere around the fucking two hour market

these things you just you lose the creative magic

formulating your sentences

you know i like your

setup this week it’s awesome but one thing

i think i just killed sperm

with laptop on my lap oh

yeah just cooked my balls well you

gotta do it like i do it you have the lap

off to the side that’s the move

if you put your laptop if you move this thing

and you put your laptop

like you put your microphone here

right see folks we’re fucking ghetto

this is not a

planned out

situation here

so we covered everything that i want to cover

as far as ufc

predictions people keep asking

ufc predictions i

never give ufc

predictions because who the fuck knows what’s

gonna happen

they’re super exciting

fights the main event of course is spectacular

leo to machida versus mauricio shogun hua

very very interesting fight

you know a lot of people thought that mauricio

won the first

fight but if he did win it you know he didn’t

you know didn’t kill him he didn’t he didn’t really

you know he didn’t stop him he

never really hurt him badly he

never really

had a real dominant moment in the fight

he just edged

them a lot of people felt like he edged them

and a very exciting

fight and i

think that liotto is

gonna have a

completely different

strategy most likely for this flight very

excited to see that he’s a very strategic dude

and i think also he’s

gonna be the both guys are

gonna be more prepared

they’re gonna know what the others

is capable of

they’re gonna review the first

fight and go over mistakes and go over

when they landed and you know and go over like maybe

tendencies that each

might have that

might maybe they can exploit

so i think the second

fight is gonna

start out a

chess match

you know they’re

gonna be both guys

gonna be doing

things that they

think are gonna

benefit them in this

fight that maybe they didn’t do in the

first fight

maybe we’ll find guys

might start off the

fight a little bit more

cautious that

could be interesting

you know see if

maybe shogun plays the role of a

counter striker

initially or

maybe they just get to it like it’s round six

maybe they just fucking go at each

other that’s very possible too you know

maybe that even more so because of the controversy

involving some of the

fights lately

where guys haven’t been exciting

like the anderson

silva fight

where he kind of

slacked off over the last two rounds

believe in criticizing jose aldo for his last

round of his fight

so if that’s the case if they’re affected by that

stuff maybe they

might come out and try to

prove a point

i don’t think that’s

gonna happen because

too much is at stake

and both guys are too dangerous

they’re both

two of the most dangerous and explosive guys

in that light

heavyweight division and anything can happen

so that’s my

prediction for the main event who the who’s the karate

guy who’s no

cheetah machida

do you think what do you

think is karate

as a martial art in general

well what machita does is very

smart is he

combined the good

things of karate

with muay thai and

jiu jitsu and

wrestling and boxing

you know but there’s a lot of good

stuff in karate

the ability to leap in and leap out

like the way they fight

they’re very

their footwork is different

than like muay thai guys muay thai guys more like

they learn enough they’re

light on their feet but they

weighed in and they get real

close to each

other and attack

you know and they

check kicks and attack

the karate guys

it’s almost

like fencing like they explode in and explode out

and if you’re not used to

fighting machita he’s

super hard to deal with

cause that that explosion

just fucking

throws you off

when he leans way back and he dives in and he’s

super accurate

with things

and if he catches you with one of

those he could fuck you up

if he starts

lighting you

up like pot shot you from a distance you’re in trouble

that’s what happened to rashad evans he

started just

lighten him up

he started like laying back

and he comes in and

blasts them

and then once

he does it a couple of times that’s all he

needs to hit you a couple

clean times before you’re like a little bewildered

and he’s so good at that he did that to socaju

you know he

did that to thiago silva stopped him at the end of the

first round he’s a fucking killer man he’s a killer

and he’s gonna be

trying to do that even more on

shogun than in the

first fight he’s

gonna be more

fired up more motivated

i think he’s

gonna be even better

and then shogun

he’s gonna be

super confident because he feels like he won that first

fight he feels like he got robbed the decision so he’s

gonna be confident and he’s

gonna be fucking coming in guns blazing and liyoto’s

gonna be confident and the

old is gonna be

more motivated better strategy it’s

gonna be an awesome fucking fight okay

you just you just go by a karate

studio and you’re just like okay that little

15 year old has a black belt

you know that’s your

sport that you can get a 15 year old could be have a

black belt are you kidding me

that’s the problem with the

thing they call the mcdojos

you know the macdojos the macdojo

syndrome is that you know

when martial arts became popular in america

i guess in the 60s or whatever

when people started watching

bruce lee movies in the 70s and shit

what happened was people

got real into karate and

karate became a business and they opened up karate

schools all over the world

you know and people

wanted to learn how to kick people’s

asses and then it became like some bullshit mysticism

thing and a lot of

bowing and they’re very cult like man if you

never been to karate

schools or a lot of martial art schools my taekwondo

school is very cult like

you know they’re like you know the the sensei can do no

wrong and everything is yes sir yes sir

it’s like they’re never

an even and

an equal with you

which is one of the beautiful things

about jiu jitsu jiu

jitsu is totally the opposite

right your instructors just like you he’s

super cool and just like you you don’t have to call him

i mean if you do call him sir it’s out of respect

but he’s gonna i put

sir i’m your brother my friend would you call me sir

you know john john machado

would laugh if you call him sir he’s just oh oh

a friendly cool guy

that knows something that you don’t know is

gonna show it to you so in like jiu jitsu

though it’s way more rare for a 15 year old to get a

black belt in

a tie it’s really really really hard it was

hard to get your

black belt in

jiu jitsu martial arts

they have much lower

standards than jiu jitsu most of them do and karate

a lot of school seeing if you go to a real karate

school like a real

okinawan karate

school or kyoko

shin karate

school where they’re like really like rigid

traditional old

school way no they’re not

gonna give you a fucking

black belt if you’re not ready

you gotta get that

block where you

gonna earn that

shit you go to one of masoyama’s fucking

schools one of his

affiliates you know

those guys that’s some

those are serious hard

motherfuckers

those those karate

tournaments they

fight in especially the kyoko

shin karate

tournaments

those dudes are fucking animals they don’t

punch to the face but they kick

to the face and kicked the body and kick to the legs

they’re fucking

tough man that’s a that’s a hard hard sport

so are hard martial art if you go to

those schools you’re not

gonna be able to get a nine year old

and get them

their black belt but

if you go to one of

these like fred valore

schools they used to be like the united

studios of self defense

when i lived in massachusetts

right fucking 12 years old you got a

black belt that’s

ridiculous and you can’t

crack an egg

like they don’t have any idea how to

fight they’re

completely lost

they want to do like

you know high kicks and kata and fucking knife and

strike you like

they literally

don’t know how to

fight they like

taught how to do this like

stupid dance

you know they don’t even have contact when they

spar like in most the schools

did you hear that the boy

scouts now have a badge

for playing

video games

which i thought was

crazy cause isn’t that defeat

everything the boy

scouts about like

adventures outdoors

yeah they have a

video game badge

and like the government

man they want you to become a killer they want you to

target their drones

did you hear

obama made a joke

about fucking

drones how did

you know that you know the

whole thing with

obama and he told jokes and jay

leno told jokes jay

leno kind of bombed no i didn’t hear

about this the

white house i

think there’s a

white house

white house

press correspondence dinner i

think that’s what it’s called right

you didn’t hear

about this why i

ignore all jade

oh my god you

gotta you gotta

check this out cuz it’s fascinating

obama goes on and and

and everyone’s like

obama did so well

opie and anthony were the only ones that said

obama didn’t do well and i fucking completely

agree with them he like just

butchered the jokes

like the timing sucked

but the jokes were pretty well written i

think some of the guys from the

daily show or something

wrote it for him

and the jokes but

like this delivery

was terrible it’s all clunky and

but he got big laughs

but one of the jokes he did and no one’s even talking

about this one of the jokes he did

he said the jonas brothers are here

where are you the jonas

brothers there you are

and he said something

about his daughters

you know that his daughters

you know his

daughters are very beautiful

but i want to let you know don’t even think

about it i’ve got two words for you

it was like

spy drone or something drone

what are those

drones called yeah the

drones by drones

right but they

said like i have two words for you like unmanned

drone like what

what are you saying mr president you’re joking around

that if one of

these boys who by the way are like the most wishy washy

christian the non offensive non dangerous

fucking these

white white

you’re upset

about these bracelets on yeah dude

pilot drone

or whatever the fuck called it

i think that’s pretty

funny it’s not

funny he’s talking

about things that kill innocent people

every day all

right they use that

thing in pakistan

and those things they launched them

into these fucking

villages and launch some of

these mountainsides

and people get jacked left yeah but you

can also say

that there’s

all sorts of people that get killed you can say that

about joking

about anything airplanes

anything you know i mean

you could joke

about black helicopters

but black helicopters kill people for the government

apache helicopters

you know i mean

drones that’s pretty

funny he’s just taking something that’s like

kind of in the news and

your examples

ridiculous and and here’s here’s the

thing look you

when you’re the president of the goddamn united

right just like when george bush was president

and he said

where are the weapons of mass destruction

none under here

oh right looking

under his desk

yeah but drugs

aren’t just made for killings for spying and stuff

you know they have hellfire missiles on them

there to find people that are bad and launches

but there’s not

implying he’s

gonna spy on the jonas

brothers right he’s

implying he’s

gonna kill them right

with something

that they’ve been killing people with yeah

that’s so light

hearted that’s not like i don’t

think that’s

i think that’s attacking

somebody because you want to attack the person

i think that’s

ridiculous if you’re getting

angry about that

you think that

me saying that him saying that is attacking him

no no you’re obviously taking it like in a like a

right i can’t believe he’s joking

about this shit brian

brian when you’re the president of a country that

is literally fucking the

whole world i don’t see

it involved in two wars overseas and

these weird

things that happen in pakistan that are i don’t know

who approves them or how exactly they work

where they have

these drones

that fire these missiles

at these people that we don’t like

and all sorts of

other people die

but that’s not something i would joke

about if i was the president i

agree but there’s plenty of shit to make fun

of to think to

think that he’s

joking is also kind of acting like my mom getting mad

about him i can’t believe he said a terrible

joke it’s a dumb joke i don’t know why you

think it’s funny i don’t know why he would

think killing boys that want to fuck his i

think it’s fucking hilarious

say that to the jonas

brothers i would say

that hilarious

bomb it wasn’t a good joke

it was like you got the

worst response of any of his bits

it wasn’t well delivered either i

think it’s brilliant

i can’t believe you

think that because i

think i would

say that if i was

the president

that’s retarded

would you say

something really you don’t

think there’s any karma and

there’s something very serious

about being a person who’s

responsible

at least indirectly for many many people

dying because of

these fucking

drones many people crying

many families devastated many people who lost

their children

many people lost

their loved ones gone forever

but because it’s taking

place in pakistan

doesn’t freak you out

what if he is involved in

drone attacks in ohio

what if kids you went to high

school with got fucking killed

they got their legs

blown off because

obama is using

drones to target al qaeda in ohio

wouldn’t that

wouldn’t that for you’re

saying a what if though

joe you’re saying a what if not what really happened he

just brought it

i see what you’re saying

different than ohio

man for you to

think that it’s okay

in pakistan and not okay in ohio

cause i didn’t say because

that makes it a what if joe

you’re making it seem like that

i’m that sensitive

about the middle east and

stuff where i’m not i don’t

think about that shit

you know you’re getting really sensitive

about our war and our

troops and everything oh i’m not

i’m thinking

like so he just made a joke

about murder yeah i

think you’re

getting really up sensitive

about bama just doing a bad joke you know that’s not

just a bad joke it’s a

ridiculous irresponsible joke i think

to make a joke like that in the middle of

two wars that people don’t approve

and all these

things that are happening in pakistan with

with unmanned

drones i don’t think you

should be making jokes like that

unless they’re fucking hilarious

and that joke was lame as fuck i think

i think it’s pretty

funny for when

especially when the president says i

think it’s hilarious i

think it makes our president seem

edgy i think it seems like

he’s not playing dumb and trying to

butter like nerf

our fucking ears he’s actually

saying something that’s like wow that’s kind of blue

that’s kind of crazy

dude military the president

doesn’t have the key to the drones

so his joke

is not only it’s not correct as well you don’t

think they would like let him borrow the key

so he could kill the jonas brothers

is that we trying to say

thank you very

much for chiming in sir yeah but you’re saying like

you know you’re

like your joke on baby blowjobs you’re saying like

you know that’s bad to say you know how many people are

child molested

if i wasn’t no here’s the example that you need to use

if if i was a

child molester

and i was out there blowing

babies and then i did a joke

about baby blow jobs

then it would be the same as what the president

is doing so the president is killing people with

drones right now

well the president is the

spokesperson for the country

and the country

is in fact at war

and has military that is killing people with

drones i just

i see is at the top of the food i see why

i see why you’re upset

but i just i just don’t see it i just don’t see it

i understand that you don’t see it but i

think it’s hilarious

i understand who

opened anthony were mad too

about this no i

think they were talking

about something else

they were talking

about his jokes bombing

they were just a

minute they were used

you know they were

open anthony were

upset at his delivery his delivery was

tied delivery

especially norton norton was

going crazy

that’s fucking

pause and run

i love norton but he’s also

loves jay leno

you know well norton was

right and he was honest in his assessment of jay

leno jay was like rushing through it

he was like

rushing through his jokes but the jokes were lame

he knew he had bad jokes and i

think he thought it was

gonna be an easy

crowd and he

could just squeak by

you know but i

think you realize

when he got there that there was some pressure on him i

think a lot of people don’t like him now that poor fuck

you know everybody’s all mad at jay

cause he took his job back like

why does everybody give a shit

you know conan o’brien

gets 35 fucking million dollars and he gets to go to

tbs and do whatever he wants that’s

funny how he straight up lied though on the

whatever 60 minutes the

other day about

yes twice twice mb

he said that the reason why he got fired not

leno because his payout

or leno’s payout was more

or something

like that but they were like nbc’s like that’s a lie

their payouts were exactly the same

they also said something like

maybe he didn’t know

maybe he was just mistaken

well there was another

thing you may

have been told that by

agents or something too

something about nbc losing

money but what i find odd though is that i

checked ratings the

other day jay

lenos ratings and conan’s

ratings are almost exactly the same as they were

if you were

going from year

to year from last year to this year or whatever

exactly the same so there’s no money

there’s no like lino’s number one making

fifty million dollars

extra month

it’s but he was

he was before

maybe before

yeah before but they’re

thinking that he’s eventually

gonna bring it back to

where he was before yeah

that he’s gonna take over the rains and you

know have it back to

where it was because when he left he was number one

yeah i don’t know man the whole

thing it’s a

stupid argument it

is like who cares it’s just

entertainment and not only that it’s not the best

entertainment

if conan had a talk not a talk show rather but like

a sketch show

i think that would rule

that’s what i

would like to say

cause i think conan’s the best parts on conan

was when he does

those sketches

like when he did

those the baseball player the 1800s baseball players

when he went there and

played baseball with them and he was talking 1800s big

fucking hilarious

that was way better to

me than his interviews i mean his interviews are cool

but most of the people that he’s talking to it’s like

what are they doing they’re

just selling some shit they just want you to see their

movie they just

want you to buy

their book or want you to listen to

their music it’s like

you know it’s like

he’s just helping them sell shit

it’s gotten so bad in general of how bad like

jimmy fallon they

had a whole

like 10 minutes

sketch the other day on subway

and it was a commercial

and it was like

people there

was actors involved and they were like doing skits

all about subway i love

subway subs

subs like 5

footlongs was the

whole thing they were talking about

and it was an ad for

like 10 minutes

well you know if it was

funny i wouldn’t i wouldn’t have a problem with it

you know especially for the

one commercial

where they rip off brian callans act

there’s a commercial

like an old spice commercial

where this guy’s like doing bright look at my

stance look at me on the horse

on the horse i have an apple

yeah dude that is brian

callan are you serious fuck that’s

like one of the most popular commercials i do like

super rich now that guy

sounds like

brian callan’s act and all

these people are saying that

and apparently advertising

executives do that all the time

they see comics that go to

comic clubs and get an idea from

their act here’s something weird

here’s something

weird there is a

movie called

miss march it was a

forget that the plot i was half

drunk watching this movie and

the chat or it’s craig

robinson is that

he played a character in this

movie called

horse cock dot

impeg and the

whole time i’m

watching it’s like

they call it

his character

yeah and the

whole thing

the joke was his that his character who’s a rapper

named horse cock

dot impeg the

whole time i’m

thinking like that’s

kind of weird because of your

horse bit material

about being

mr hands dot

impeg that’s no that’s

weird at all but it’s

weird that like how there’s so much similar

things like that i’m wondering like you

know writers and

people marketing and commercial and

stuff if they really just

you know just that’s a ridiculous

connection anybody

could come over really talk dog

mpeg look it was a real video man

you know yeah but only you of all people

focused in on the

point that was called mr hands dot

mpeg no i don’t i

think that’s

silly i think

that’s what it’s called

you can’t i mean

just because i’ve talked

about it on

stage i mean that’s

what that is what it is you can’t say that somebody

stole that i didn’t

say so i just saying it’s

weird that how like there’s so many similar

things like you’re saying

brian callan and

that’s stealing i know they stole

you know all

these comics have recognized

that it’s like the guy is like doing a version of

brian callan

you know and probably you know he

doesn’t even know probably

he’s probably just some actor and he’s funny and

maybe he has the same voice

no it’s not the

voice it’s the way

brian callan

talks about

things he exaggerates like

sometimes i just take a horse

dance i just

stand he’s got this

ridiculous act like look at look at my body toned and

defined i’m eating a

peach sometimes like to eat a peach

this guy’s like doing callan

callan has this

ridiculous character

it’s like someone doing that you

might be a redneck character

like going up and doing jeff

foxworth even if he’s not calling himself jeff foxworth

like you know

where you got that came from but jeff foxworth

is famous was

brian cows not

famous like a

brian cow was

super famous

and then this commercial was out everybody

would be like

this guy’s ripping off

brian cowan

you know so he’s doing

brian cowan

i think that shit’s real common i

think they do it all the time to sell things

hmm i don’t know about that

sam tripoli

seems to think so

sam tripoli

thinks a lot of

things that aren’t true really like what oh

it’s two hours and

two minutes yeah

that’s just

about it ladies so next week we’re

gonna fuck we’re

gonna this week we’re

gonna fuck one of these

right we’re gonna talk

about yeah you know what

my manager i’m sure will not want me to fuck one of

these things

especially this one you got the butthole one

yeah i’ll have that one

well you were

the shit out

of that one you fucking weirdo

um so i think yeah i mean

definitely send

me some twitter messages tell me what you

think if you

think that it’s

ridiculous to

you know to

think that i

should not accept a

sponsorship because somehow i was

gonna hurt my career i

think it’s ridiculous

but i would like to hear your thoughts

am i allowed to accept it

yeah you can and we

could like split the

screen down the middle

yeah this brian’s part of the show is sponsored

by flashlight my side is not

here it’s shakita banana

long and i want to let cbs nbc and abc know that i am

ready and willing to do your family game show

chiquita banana on this side

flashlight so

what do we need back here do we need a monitor

or do we need a

green screen that’s the other question is

should it be a monitor or a green screen 60 inch led 3d

dlp dl no lcd

samsung that we have people at home would have to

watch with goggles on and then we would be blurry and

everything else that’d be awesome no that’s ridiculous

probably wouldn’t even work it probably wouldn’t

transmit through this little shitty use

train what if it did

what’s wrong with you

so there’s a question too

should we do

green screen i say yes i’m looking at it

right now i’m like it would be dope if we had an

image of space behind us

that’s the move right you have to do that

again so can

apparently we can’t do that with this

you stream producer though

what i’m worried about is that the the uh you

stream producers the only way we can get this

thing up on itunes

no we’re just using the u

stream producer to take the signal out to the internet

so we’ll plug

this into your computer and this will be an

input on u stream producer so we’ll

still be able to use u

stream producer yeah you

should you know how this

thing works i’m sure i

could try caster

figured out u

stream producer in

five minutes that’s how easy it was goddamn genius

without him we

would be doing the same

thing but it

would suck more and

probably the

sound would be

going on in the

background all

right green

screen most people

think so i think that’s what we’re

gonna go with it’s unanimous

thank you everybody

yeah it’s all

green screen

everybody saying green

screen they don’t want to monitor monitors are gay

green screens cool

right yeah all

right so that’s what we’re

gonna do that is the next

stage so we have this and

check this shit out look how this thing does

at the end of the show

i go like that and it goes down oh

fucking crazy man

i got that shit at

zi gallery yo so

that’s our show

ladies and gentlemen

we will see you next week

tuesday as always

you know how we rock it

basically the same

every week and

this thing is slowly but surely

getting more and more

more complicated but more professional

smoother the

sound for the itunes

version is going to be way way way better now

with these professional

microphones and the high end

mp3 player and all that jazz

the video should be better now as well

and eventually like i said we’re

gonna have that and next week we’re also

gonna have hd

camera so we’ll have two cameras to choose from

so we can switch back and forth just get crazy

and eventually we’re

gonna have this

thing set up like a real

studio there’s another

there’s another

couch chair over here and

we’ll have it lit up better too

right now it’s lit kind of funky so

it rolls on

thank you very much for

tuning in i’m glad you guys enjoyed it

flashlight calm

flashlight com is

where you can go if you want to

fuck a rubber pussy and

that’s it so we’ll see you next week take care