on you stream

and that should be it

i’m a fucking technology monkey son whoa

let’s see seconds there we go ladies and gentlemen

welcome to what week is it i don’t know fucking

week 20 of the

ustream podcast

and the itunes podcast

which has taken over

in popularity far more popular on the itunes

than the ustream

for all those fine folks out there

listening on your way to work or

when you’re supposed to be doing work or

when you’re supposed

to be doing homework or whatever the fuck you doing

thank you very much for

tuning in this show

is now officially sponsored by

the flashlight i don’t know if you knew

about that tommy no

i’m here with my buddy

tommy segura

aka tommy buns

tommy is here because his well

first of all he’s here because he’s

hilarious stand up comedian and a good

buddy of mine and

because his cd comes out

today he’s got a new cd called thrilled you know

i do i do have

that’s tommy

it looks like michael jackson

but it’s tommy yeah it’s me

yes very funny

tommy and i met

when i was doing the i was doing this tour for

maxim and bud light

me and charlie murphy and john heffron

and we would

travel across

the country we did like 20 different stops

and we we used

local guys like

every every

place we went to we had a

local comic

would go up and perform

and tommy was the funniest of all of them

he was really

i was really

shocked like

every now and then you see a comedian

it’s uncomfortable say this way

right here but

every now and then you see a comedian

you know and you’re like

oh i didn’t

even know this guy was around how’s he fucking so funny

you know most the time like

when someone’s

funny like you know

you know who they are

you know i’m saying yeah you hear

about them already yeah oh totally yeah i appreciate

you hear that echo that’s my

other computer

in the background but

yeah i know i when you

travel and you see people and you’re like

hey where do you go up cause i’ve never seen you

especially when they live

funny yeah but it’s so rare when they’re

funny that’s the

thing it’s like

you know like most

comics like if you say like

comics that you don’t know what percentage of them

aren’t don’t make you laugh

percentage of comics don’t make me laugh yeah oh

well up into like the 85th

percentile it’s a

weird thing and i understand that comedy is different

there’s some

things that

some people like that i don’t like or i like

that some people don’t like you know there’s a lot of

infantile ridiculous

silly comedy

you can’t turn up the

microphone all the way it says i don’t

know i think it’s on as loud as it can go

ladies and gentlemen hold on a second

maybe there’s some sort of an input

is it really that low

is that any better

know i need to project

this i hope we don’t we’re not in some

weird thing here it’s on the blue snowball right

yes it’s working

sorry is it really that low ladies and gentlemen

turn the microphone up a bit i don’t

think i can i don’t think there’s anything i can do

other than where it’s at right now

some people say it

sounds fine some people says it’s pretty quiet

well do you have a volume on your motherfucking phone

or whatever you’re watching this on

because work that shit yo

um what happened

we have a little issue here a technological issue

lost the screen

yeah on with the show indeed

as this man said

we were just too far

all right well we’re

right up to it right now anyway

the percentage of

comics that suck i

would have to say it’s probably like 80

it’s probably like 80

even that’s

discounting for there’s a

lot of people that i know are good they’re just not my

style i totally

accept that and

appreciate that

but like when

you go on the road and you see someone and you know you

never heard

about this guy before

and you see him and they’re hilarious you’re like whoa

how fun is that

it’s fucking awesome

isn’t it it’s the best

thing yeah because even like

sometimes you’ll kind of like

enjoy somebody you can go like

oh that was a well written joke

yeah that’s good joke

structure or something but like

when you actually

turn up like

laughing like you’re

grabbing your gut and you’re just

that’s hilarious that’s fun

that’s rare it’s like you just

found a gift

you know cause it’s like

especially as comedians like

you see everything coming or you see a lot of

things coming rather

and like when you run into someone who’s really

funny like it’s like oh

there’s another one

they’re out there i know they’re out there yeah

because you’ll see

so many guys that fucking suck and what they’re talking

about is just nonsense

and it’s just

stupidity and you know that they’re not even really

thinking about what they’re saying

it’s not anything that they’ve really

come to some

weird conclusion it’s just a

bunch of nonsense

designed to make you

laugh and that

shit is hard to deal with over and over and over

again it makes you

lose faith in it

and you wonder

for comics like shit

what is it like

coming up in this day

but when i was coming up

there was a lot more comedy clubs a lot more

different comedians

to look at there was a lot of shit

going on a lot of action

it seems like there’s way less action now

oh definitely man there’s way less good guys coming up

oh yeah or people

coming up in general just seems to be a

smaller community

i think so yeah i mean nationwide

right i think so yeah

there’s like a few

places that are really

like when you go to you’re like oh

this place has a good

like comedy

community like within it you know like

i kind of felt that way in like austin

where i was like

they’re really trying to like

like develop

comics here

yeah but i don’t really feel that way in most

places like most

places it’s just like

i don’t know it’s like

it’s like a

like the mall

or something you know it’s just fucking hard to do

it seems a lot easier than it really is

it’s like once you get good at it it kind of becomes

easy you just kind of like you know you know you

understand what

what it takes to

write a joke and it’s

just a matter of putting in the time putting the effort

but to get to a

point where you’re actually funny is

it’s such a long fucking process

yeah like people don’t

realize like you see a guy like you know anybody joey

diaz joey diaz is a

great example

cause joey diaz is fucking hilarious

but when i met joey diaz

joey diaz is not

funny and that

sounds crazy

because he’s one of the funniest people i

think i’ve ever met in my life yeah and he would say

funny shit off stage

but he could

never be that

funny on stage and

he could never make it happen and somewhere

along the line he just figured

it out he figured out how to be himself yeah who he is

like in the parking lot of the comedy store sure

figured out how to be that guy on

stage and all of a

sudden bam it was just he nailed it and

knocked it out

apart but that’s like the hardest

thing to do

right yeah i mean that’s that’s

super hard like

you because i mean people now who i’m like

you talk to them and you’re like oh you’re really

funny but then

it’s like they’re too

forced and contrived on stage

and you’re like

you got to figure out

how to make

the guy who you are off

stage just walk on

stage there was a guy that was doing

stand up who i thought was really funny

but he was doing this

weird thing

where he was talking so fast that he

would take this breath

in between his

and then the government the government wanted to do

this obama situation with gays in the military

and they and like he was

going so fast like he kept taking this like

like in but it was like

audible yeah

really loud like a singer like yeah

and and especially if you’re baked

like you could

focus on something like that i look for

you can forget exactly what he’s saying

he’s always

saying it down

just waiting

five four three two yeah i

would just focus on his crazy

that little breath

thing that he

does you know

it’s just joey diaz

when i talked to him

about it and i you know we’ve talked

about it a bunch of

times he says that what happened was he just realized

how to not give a fuck

he like he said he was too concerned with like

agents and managers and all that shit

and he was too concerned with people giving him advice

and he said it took

you know like realizing somewhere

along the line just realizing that

these guys are all

bunch of dummies like

seeing a bunch of them get fired

seeing managers and

agents fail miserably and fall by the wayside and

executives get fired and

the people that

hired people turn to drugs and become fucking

chaos and a mess and

so he just had to realize like oh

these aren’t like

intelligent

this isn’t like

a really well set up artistic

environment they don’t know what they want they just

want you to kill

and they can tell you all day they want you to be

squeaky clean you

gotta do this

but if you’re

dirty and you destroy

they want you

right you know

so you got like katt williams or you know of course

eddie murphy

and chris rock and all

these different guys

who have had you know sam kennison

dirty acts but so hilarious

that they were undeniable

so even in the era back then

which is pre internet

the kinesin

days were all pre internet

which is way harder to be dirty

cause you only had hbo that was your only

outlet for people to find out who the fuck you were

which is scary if you think

about it oh yeah in

comparison to

what we have

today you know

but even then man

all you have to do is be so good

that they don’t give a fuck so good that they let it go

yeah and joey figured out how to do that you

know but for the longest time man he couldn’t do it

it’s hard to find a guy who gets it right

there was another guy

kurt metzger i worked with him in montreal this weekend

fucking hilarious i

know kurt very

funny he’s very

funny super

funny really good

yeah there’s just

um there’s just not enough there’s not

there’s not enough

good guys out there and he’s another guy probably

like when you saw me like who fucks this yeah yeah

well ari had actually already told me he was

funny yeah he’s really

funny yeah we were working this

this little tiny club in montreal i did

the this theater

called metropolis is like

a thousand seats or something like that

and then the day before we did this

local club called the comedy works

which i used to do

when i was living in boston

i was living in boston one of the my

first road gigs i used to go up to this

this guy jimbo owns this club in montreal

it’s the best

club ever man it’s fucking this tiny little room

there’s only like

maybe a hundred people can fit and they’re all

stuffed into this place

and it’s just

old school man the

microphone sucks

the wall behind you stupid

you know there’s fucking curtains over

these windows behind you and they have them

covered with these old

dusty fucked up curtains

but it doesn’t

matter it’s the best it’s awesome it’s just this

little tight place

and he was headlining there this week kurt metzger

and he was really fucking

funny and another one we hung out you know

me and him and ari went out and got something to eat

and like you

could tell right away

here’s another

comic he’s a

comic he’s a real

comic yeah exactly yeah

and it’s cool like you really feel like

like you wanna

when you meet guys like that or you wanna stay in

touch with them

you do like

soldiers on a battlefield yeah

you know you run into each other like wow

here we go we got another one

what people don’t realize about comedians and it sounds

screwy that we’re talking

about this that making a big deal out of it

but there’s not that many of them

when you look at the world okay look at the united

states just look at our country

three hundred million people in the united states

how many comedians

there might be a thousand

might be a thousand professional comedians

at three hundred million

how many of them are actually funny

it might be

three hundred

maybe three hundred out of a thousand and that’s being

generous yeah so this

three hundred people at a three hundred million

that’s one in a million

yeah that’s

fucking bananas

i said bananas again early

i said bananas like 50 times last week and i said i was

gonna say this week

that’s my latest

thing man whenever i

think anything’s crazy i go 1960s on myself

yeah i go i repeat the shit out of

um out of control

say something’s out of control yeah and

i say fired up well the

problem is we do it on a two two

hour podcast

once a week

after while

people like to we shut the fuck up with the bananas

it’s like you listen to a

guy like say the same words it’s like yeah you realize

when you do something like this how important it is to

very you know your

speech and not get locked into patterns of behavior

you know like you’re

heard like rappers who you know i’m saying

you know i’m saying i’m saying

a kimbo slides does you know i’m saying like

every other word no i’m saying i’m here to put these

things on you know i’m saying

yeah yeah yeah of course i’ve

heard so many interviews with like

athletes say that it’s

it’s no i’m saying

after everything

what’s hilarious is when you hear

comics use nigger

like like a rapper

will use nigger and this

nigga try to tell me i’m like

nigga you better get the fuck out my face

nigga i know what the fuck’s

going on nigga

and like they’ll they’ll say it so many

times yeah yeah

and they’ll say it on

stage the way guys will say it off

stage you know

there’s something that gets lost when you do that

you know you got to recognize that like free

speech offstage

is not good enough to be bottled up and packaged

right you know you’re

gonna sell it you can’t

you got to have a better economy of words like i

i’ll catch myself sometimes saying fuck too much

on stage because it’s just natural

cause you do it in real life like this fucking guy is

stupid fucking idea

but you can’t if you do that

it fucks up the bits

because you

though they don’t they lose

any potential impact

you know the concept you people get distracted by you

saying even

though this is just how you express yourself and

it’s natural

people will get distracted

if you use too many of the same words over and over

again like i

swear like fuck

you know if you use it over and over and over

again like in like

more than one sentence

you could do it for one bit like if you’re just so

ridiculously

upset at something yeah

i know that you just and it’s part of what you’re doing

but then you have to make sure that you there’s like a

peak in a valley in your at you have to make sure that

once you hit like all these

extra fucks like there’s no fucks coming for a

while after this

sure sure yeah you know yeah yeah because then like

when you do it a lot also

like in one bit if you say fuck like a hundred times

you realize that you’re

essentially it’s replacing

other words

that you know i mean that could

make that bit funnier or care

right and it’s more like an uh

it’s like a replacement for uh like this

guy um so it’s like you’re just kind of

admitting that

you’re you don’t have a cohesive idea yeah

the other one like

i used to do

this all the time and now i do it less but i

still catch myself

going into it is

saying like setting one you’re saying a bit then

going right

at the end of it and you don’t realize you’re saying it

but you’re trying to basically

validate what you’re saying

right so like

like sort of subconsciously of

say a sentence to be like right

and then i walked in

right and the guy was like

right and then i listen to him like that

sounds fucking like

like an imbecile

fucking idiot right now

that’s why it’s

so important to listen to your shit oh yeah

so important to watch your

stuff and listen to your

stuff it’s so painful

like the lab

people think the

comedians like look at me up there i’m killing

when i watch my

stuff even stuff that i did that i like i don’t like

watching it like even talking

monkeys in space

which was like my best special

i don’t like

watching that fucking

thing it feels

gross i hate

watching myself man it’s just

and then you

start judging your bits and

going ooh i

don’t even have the new tag line when i did this

before yeah yeah like sometimes you’ll do a bit

and then right

after you come up with this bit it’s like

you know you

think you got it nailed and you put it on a cd

and then like a week

later you have the best fucking tagline

that changes the whole bit

it makes it so much better you wanna like

go back in time

you wanna rewind yourself and not release it i

started on this i already have like

a few things that

i start adding

stuff to and i’m like oh

man i know and people who don’t do it don’t

understand how manning that is that’s why like a lot of

comics have a hard time

once you do your set you just want to get out of there

and move on with your life you don’t want to like

really objectively go over all the beats and trying to

figure out what you did

wrong and what you did right

but if you don’t do that man it’s

it’s just not as it’s not as good

you have to make sure you do that

yeah you have to you have to look at your stuff man

this is the

i hope there’s volume meters the

right way up

towards the red is like

on the you stream

producer that’s how you get it as loud as you can

people still complain

about this shit

i uh you know the fact that i have

brian that he records almost all my sets that’s

so huge from that it’s helped me so much that i’m

super and also like there’s little

things that he does

like i’m saying i

guess it’s just an all around

praise of brian but like

it’s so cool i always dug like

the posters that you like just yeah yeah all those like

those are awesome yeah

makes those yeah well they’re really cool

and he captures a lot of cool shit off stage

yeah yeah that’s awesome man it’s like

one of the best things

about the internet is

being able to connect with people like that just weirdo

fucking creative people

you know that in

brian’s case you run a working for me

i think you’re do you think

like of all like the

working like big name comics

you’re probably on top of it the most

right like media like

internet stuff i

think about jane

cooks probably he’s way

better at it than me

the whole like

twitter shit now the reason why i even got into that is

because i saw what it was doing for him that’s a fact

for like i say that

i was feeling people

compare try to

compare him to

other comedians with shady

reputations

you know i say

dana’s done a lot more for comedy than like guys like

when see like you know by

a long shot

because he’s like opened up people’s eyes to what you

could do yourself sure

because before that the reality is none of us

are the type of guys that are

gonna be self

promoters like

comics are not self

promoters it’s just it’s not normal it’s like the word

he’s an aberration dan cookett it’s like an unnatural

thing well i don’t know if it’s an unnatural

thing but it goes

contrary to like

what i was talking

about i was doing

the sid rosenthal

show on the

radio before i did this

and we were talking

about like he was like saying rank

yourself amongst comedians and i said the comedians

that’s the last

thing you ever

wanna think

about is where do i stand

you know is

this guy better than me or that guy better than me

you don’t even

wanna judge yourself you just

wanna just try

to concentrate all your energy on doing the best shit

the last thing you

wanna concentrate on is pumping up your own ego

and you know just or even judging yourself at all

judge the material

go over the material

look at it try to make it better but always be

focused on that like

the like putting out the best shit that’s what you’re

focused on not like

where you fit in with everybody else

that’s that’s like an enemy

that’s like the

enemy of creativity is that kind of ego shit

when you get involved in that yeah

yeah and it’s also like

the one thing i mean i always feel like the one

thing you can control

like for sure

is what you’re writing and doing yeah so it’s like

let the like you really can’t control the other shit

like if somebody wanted to put you on

the ten best list of comics

right or like the ten

comics i read

before you that you hate that you hate like you

think he sucks but

it’s all it’s fucking it’s absurd

to even like

i saw i just saw a list of

the ten comics to watch

and it was like

like i you know i mean it’s all subjective

but i’m like this is this is absolute like some of

it was cool and so it was like who is this why are they

i know this person you

know instead

of doing something like that why

don’t they i mean this it’s always got to be a number

you know the fucking

seven comics you

wanna look out for

how about just do something on someone you

think it’s funny yeah

you know this

whole like bet what’s the best band

the fucking the bands that you like i probably

think fucking suck

you know and

there’s a lot of shit that i like that sucks

sure a lot of people

think it sucks sure

you know like

you know that song the fray how to save a life

it’s one of the gay songs of all time

all right but i fucking like it yeah

i like it i know people say it sucks

i know that if i played it at a

party with all my friends they’d be like

i prayed it loud be like

what the fuck are you doing

but i i love

there’s a lot of like

like 90s r amp b that i really

what kind of shit like swv

what’s swv it’s

sisters with

voices get the fuck out of here yes

it’s absurd and i will fucking

crank that shit

in my car how’s it go like give me give me

give me a sample of it there’s

what should we find it yet oh yes yeah

yeah this supposedly

some way that i can and i can do some fucking

screenshot here

and drag the

stuff in but i fucked it all up

so i don’t know how to do that but we’ll go to youtube

the beautiful

thing about

youtube is you can find

pretty much anything but

sisters with

voices or you

should just type in

swv is be better that way okay swv yeah

you’re gonna i mean it’s

gonna be ridiculous to you okay

there’s one where right here yeah human nature okay

here we go ladies and gentlemen brought to you by the

power of cable

what are you talking about

this is michael jackson that they’re

using a loop from that

they ripped off michael jackson and they’re fishing

they’re fishing and they’re they got matching

brooks brothers gear on oh wow

i i like this shit

this isn’t bad enough

yeah i’m sorry

sorry fella

yeah it’s not bad enough

if you’re gonna show

me something bad it’s got to be really bad you don’t

think i said that huh no

kind of dig it’s not good

it’s not good but it’s not atrocious

do you like you ever hit like

what is that the fucking

it’s hard out here in the d there’s a fucking rap song

oh and give

her do you ever dig like

a lot of people on the internet know what i’m talking

about it’s hard out here in the d

is like one of the

worst fucking

rap songs ever like it’s so bad it’s these

these like detroit people

yeah fuck where is it it’s not it that’s not it

you dig this though

it’s so bad it’s awesome yeah

do you like ever like like a techno song

sometimes most of time i find that

stuff to be like annoying yeah yeah but some

every once in a

while one will catch you right you know

it’s different though if i’m hammered and i’m at a club

you know oh yeah then you’ll just

like you know you get interested in

music that you

ordinarily wouldn’t get interested

says it’s so

cold in the day is that it is it so cold in the day

yeah it might be right sir

here we go

this is another thing this so cold in the d

it’s just something that you should have

never found out about that here it is this is

it so cold in the d oh not sent you

you tryna this some dude

trying to get people to watch them

there’s all these kids that have shows on the internet

and never know you stumble on one like this guy

this this guy he’s got

three hundred fucking thousand views on one of

these videos here it is it’s so cold in the d this is

so bad dude

i don’t know why this is broadcasting me

you eat

i didn’t mean to mute it

ladies and gentlemen i don’t know what i’m doing here

you should you should have a nine

it’s so cold in the d

that’s for real wow

how did you find this dude

why why we have to

okay i swear

i have to figure out how to do this

there’s no way

brian when brian’s not here

brian is off on some fucking

crazy adventure

and when brian’s

not here i have no idea how to work all this shit

but i do have some fucking serious

high tech mp

three type recorder shit now

and these regular

microphones if you guys

have any complaints i love to hear them

you know if you have a problem with the

sound or anything else like fucking

keep it coming

i like to hear it

try to make this

thing as good as i can

anyway so we’re talking

about comedians

and i was telling you

earlier of the

flashlight that was the

thing i want to talk about

your fuck one of those

no have ever

fucked one of

those yeah no

is this really a

sponsor of yours yes really yes

i’m sponsored now by much

to the fucking

angst of my management company

they’re not

this is wow

this is jenna finds butthole

is it really

jenna hayes butthole yeah

i don’t know

it smells like someone’s butthole what no

they just robert

just it doesn’t

smell good that

doesn’t smell good

well you could always

put some roses on

it but these

fucking things

my manager was this is the craziest

thing that anybody’s

ever give me when they give me advice

yeah tell me

and i’m like

it’s it’s a masturbation tool what’s the big deal

and he’s like well it’s pornographic

cause i guess it’s like a rubber pussy

yeah and i go how is it pornographic

it’s a masturbation tool and how is that pornographic

it’s a fake vagina

he goes well you use it when you

watch pornography

that doesn’t make sense that’s ridiculous

let’s what terrible advice is that

you use it while you watch pornography and then

re shaphere goes

so by that standard my sock is pornographic

which is you

know yeah what the fuck man come on that’s that’s

that’s pornographic yeah

a rubber butthole

then my stomach is really pornographic

the idea is that we’re

still living in this

childish world

we’re supposed to pretend that you don’t masturbate

and if you’re

admitting that you masturbate

which we all

should there’s nothing fucking

wrong with it this is

way better than jerking off can i see oh my goodness

this is crazy

they’re so good man

it’s way better you

squirt some lube in

there and you fuck the shit out have you done that yeah

i’ve done it that’s awesome not this one not that one

i wouldn’t do that to you

oh wow it’s really soft

oh dude it’s

that they have some sort of special patent on what the

the vagina and butthole

rubber is made out of it’s like

some special

fucking thing that’s

great man dude it’s outstanding it’s a hundred

times better than beating off and i’m not joking

and i’m not i’m not being a sell out here

look don’t buy

it if you don’t want to buy it i’m not saying you

should go out and buy it i mean

there’s a lot of other

things i’m sure that you’d probably need in your life

more you need a rubber vagina but

if you’re in the

market for a rubber vagina

yeah i fucking highly

recommend it if you’re the type of dude who jerks off

and we all do

especially if you do it it’s like a

daily thing to you

that’s way better

it’s i can’t even

without getting too graphic

i can’t even

describe how much better it is

all i’m saying is

lazy chicks

okay you gonna have to kick pick up your game

this is just the beginning okay

once they figured out this

what they figured out the

most difficult part they figured out a way to master

an artificial vagina

they mastered it it’s really

fantastic fantastic i’m not

bullshitting you really it’s not like some hard rubber

thing it feels like a pussy

it’s incredible i will sample

one and we will get you one and we will

get him one we’ll have

chris from flashlight

send one over to

tommy segura and

tommy please come back on the broadcast in the future

after he’s fucked it yep

and he’ll tell us all about it

it’s i mean i’m telling you man for the longest time

and this was chris the guy who

worked for the company

was describing to me for the longest time

women always

had vibrators and dildos and this and that and

rabbits and

and the fucking sibyan

yeah no one

ever had anything like that for dudes it’s kind of

weird man well

not only that it’s like you’re some kind of a fucking

loser if you go and buy any of that shit anyway

if you’re one of

those dudes who goes out and buys like

like a rubber

like a rubber

pussy to fuck at some sex shop yeah

sick fuck yeah you know

most guys are

never gonna get past the embarrassment

of walking through

those big and yeah

sex shop it’s horrifying

and trying out all the different rubber pussies and

you know i’m saying

how do you know

which one’s for you

you know oh this one vibrates do you really want your

dick to vibrate no probably not it’s like

it’s like you’re fucking a shaver

well you know yeah

why would you want to vibrate no

so you’d have

to like either that or you’d have to go get what a

magazine that reviews

hi my name is

harry and i fucked

everything yeah this is what i

think yeah you know it’s fuck it was difficult

but because

the internet now all you have to do is you go to

flashlight com or whatever and you

order it you know

yeah it makes total

sense actually is it easy to

clean up too

yes it’s very easy to

clean up i think this

thing is getting me off of here

is it no no

okay i don’t

understand yeah it’s

super easy to clean up

you you unscrew the top you put it in the faucet

cleans it out

it’s fucking it’s nothing

i mean it’s kind of

gross you feel like a

total loser once you just

shot a load and

you never feel like a winner but

that just goes

along with all masturbation i always feel like a

loser when my load

shooting i have a whole joke

about it i have

this whole bit about

no matter what

when it’s over like

right when it’s

over no matter who you are

you’re a loser you michael jordan

yeah when you’re

just sitting there with a load in your stomach like

you get that

heavy breathing kind of comes to an end and you’re like

wow i always say that i feel the same way

after i jerk off

what there’s what i

when i play xbox for like nine

hours in a row

that same feeling yeah

yeah like you just what am i doing real loser

you’re a you had a

bunch of shit you were supposed to do

and now it’s two in the morning

and you have to go to bed you didn’t do shit yeah

you fucking

loser i’m weak

that’s what i tell myself you’re a person

do you do struggle a lot of

comics struggle with

self indulgence do you struggle with that big time yeah

oh god that’s

definitely probably so hard when

no one’s telling you what time you

have to get up it’s so hard not to just get up at noon

and just beat off all over yourself go

right back to

sleep yeah you’re

describing like the last few years of my life

like and i and i’m with that i’m like that with

everything like

i like to like

it’s all about like

sleeping in jerking off

eating good food

yeah and anything that like feels good

i i’m surprised

i don’t have needles in my arm sometimes like

cause we were you and i were on

the road once and we decided to get krispy kreme donuts

at like one o’clock in the morning we went off

where the fuck was that

was that tampa

was it wait no if it was yeah

well it wasn’t krispy kreme though

right or was it krispy kreme i

think it was or

maybe it wasn’t

it was some awesome donuts whatever the fuck it was

but dude we attack

those bitches

and we both knew that we really

shouldn’t be doing it and you had this look like all

right fuck it let’s go

ahead it was

just like as if i

asked you to do it go do some

crank with me yeah i

haven’t been doing it but

fuck it let’s go do

it and then i’m most like

like if somebody gives me

permission yes that’s what it’s like yeah

like i’m kind of like

going through life waiting for somebody

to give me permission

so it’s like

if somebody’s like dude

do you wanna do this

cause i’m gonna do this then i go

i have no control yeah what is that man what is that

about comedians

that just like

are looking for any excuse to do the wrong

thing wrong

thing it’s like that’s what feels good

but feels good to do the

wrong shit yeah

it’s because

what makes you become a comedian is you’re resisting

everything that everybody else wants you to do

you’re resisting

you’re resisting being polite

because you’re

thinking rude shit

which is why you’re

funny right

right you know you’re saying that rude shit to get the

laughs from people so you’re disturbing everybody

no so you’re resisting

like the way to become good and to become

funny is to be the guy that’s willing to say that shit

i mean that’s why so many people say

about comedians like

like oh dude i can’t

you say shit that i

think about all the time

but i never have the

guts to say it i mean how many times do people say that

absolutely about

especially you

nail some current events

issue they do that’s exactly

what i thought but i didn’t have the balls to say

yeah it’s like that that

that willingness

to say shit that’s like inappropriate or that

other people

would think was offensive

that’s like what makes you a

comic in the

first place sure

you know so

it’s like it’s all like a

party your whole

system i get you wanna

it’s almost like we’re designed

to not fit in

we’re designed to just

step away from all of it and poke fun at it

so it makes it so hard to

get your shit together

yeah it does man makes it so hard to be disciplined and

to show up for anything on time

is it like but you

gotta have like you have discipline though

right i mean as a i have some

i’m not the best at it i

force myself to do certain

things because i know that like like with my body

i’m a naturally

like i have a lot of energy

yeah you know and i have a lot of

aggressive energy and i my

whole life i’ve been doing martial arts

since i was a child

so it’s like

literally there’s been no time where i

haven’t done

it that’s something whether it’s kickboxing or

jiu jitsu or something

that explosive

expenditure of energy has always been a part of my life

so if i take time off

and i don’t do it for

three or four days or something like that

i start getting really antsy

and i get this

build up and i just fucking i just i just

wanna get it out and i get

annoyed in traffic

and i snap at

people when i shouldn’t be snapping out i get

upset about

things that i shouldn’t get upset at

yeah you know but when i’m not doing that when i’m

training all the time

and i’m even

down just so mellow

it’s like i feel like i can be me

i enjoy life more i feel like there’s less stress

in my body so

i can interpret the outside stress way better

so it’s almost like

dictated by your

way you operate

to be that way

well you know and it’s

also you know the way my mind developed too growing up

we moved a lot around a lot and i don’t know my dad i

haven’t talked to him

since i was six years old or seven

haven’t seen him

since i was six

haven’t talked to him

since i was

seven so i was raised by my stepfather and we

moved around a lot

so i always had to like

fight against a lot of kids and different neighborhoods

yeah there’s always a lot of bullshit that i had to

fight against so my instincts

are always to resist all the shit that’s

going on because people are just gonna say

stupid shit and get you in bad situations like

so i grew up with that

and then the physical

thing like fighting

things so it’s always resisting

everything’s resisting yeah which is

terrible because then you resist your own direction

and your own

ideas and you can have like a plan like hey i’m gonna

take care of my body i’m

gonna you know

eat certain foods because they’re healthy you’re gonna

work out you know in a certain time

every day because that’s what i really need to get done

i’m gonna start writing material

every day even though it’s for you and it’s a good

thing and you’ll enjoy

every single moment of all of it you

still resist doing it because it’s some sort of a plan

and anything that’s a plan is like i’ll get this

stupid shit

yeah yeah exactly yeah and that’s kind of like i think

every like comic

has that like resistance to for the most part like

this is how this is the status quo

like this yeah

yeah that’s a big part of it

right yeah that’s kind of like why you’re a standup

because you you

it’s weird because like the resistance

makes you a

comic and at the same time

to a degree if you’re resistant

to too much it will hold you back from doing well

at comedy you have to realize somewhere

along the line that the reason why you got into comedy

is probably a bad reason

and for most of

us it’s like we want an unnecessary amount of adulation

we want an un

you know we want more attention than the

other people do because

we feel like we didn’t get it when we were young

right you know it’s a

crazy build up

but then somewhere

along the line your

motivation has to

switch you have to kind of

understand what it really is

you know what i always say

about it is like

at a certain

point in time

there’s gotta be a transition

in your life as a comedian

where you start doing

it for the work and for the art and for the creation

of something to joy and making something that people

enjoy instead of

doing it so that people will like you

doing it so

that you can get all this attention and adulation on

stage you know because that’s what when you want

the beginning you just want to be the fucking man yeah

get out there and kill yeah yeah yeah you

know and you want you want approval

you know you want people to be like you’re

great and then

if you have a great set

and people tell you

stuff and you realize

how validating it was

then you realize how desperate you were

yeah i mean

when you feel so good

you’re so valid is so

happy by that

that great show early on

you just like how bad did i need that right

disturbing that i fucking

need people to be like

oh you’re so amazing

it’s weird though

because that’s the only

thing that really creates comedy though

otherwise you probably are not gonna be

motivated enough to go through the beginning

yeah yeah yeah

cause how brutal is the beginning it’s awful it’s

awful man people don’t know how painful it is to bum on

stage and how deserving it is

like you fucking deserved a bomb when you go yeah

you know you really do deserve it

yeah you know when you’re bombing it’s

cause you fucking

really do suck and you’re supposed to feel that shitty

yeah because

you’re not supposed to be demanding attention you’re

not supposed to be with a

microphone with an amplified voice

your opinion’s not that interesting no it’s

not and all

these people hear that and it just

drives them fucking nuts man

you’re not well thought out

you haven’t

lived that much probably if you

started young enough

you don’t have that much

experience you don’t know what you’re talking about

you’re fucking 21 years old yeah you

think you’re

smart but you’re not

you know cause like when you like it’s like being your

age now and you look

back at yourself 10 years ago you’re like i’m a fucking

idiot is there

anything worse than

21 year old kids that

think they have the fucking political system

wired and they

want to talk

about politics on

stage oh it’s the

worst man oh

it really tears you up it’s so

silly it’s like

it’s one thing if they have a valid

point or a silly

point or something like that

but when they

start like telling you what’s

wrong with republicans and

you know that the

democrats are trying to do this but the republicans are

trying to do that and they’re stopping them and like

what are you fucking

what yeah it’s

no it’s not like i’m at a loss

for words sometimes you have to be fucking old as shit

for me to take you

serious when it comes to politics oh yeah man i have

to know that you’ve been paying attention to this at

least at least

abstractly for

fucking decades

cause you have to be old

in order to have even a

somewhat objective

like unemotional

opinion about it

young people just go like this is fucked up man

like they’re not looking at it

for what it really is yeah they’re looking at it from

their hardcore

bias towards one side or the

other they’re not telling you what really is

going on no they’re just like i really disagree

with what the

other people are doing and

which is like that’s your

that’s just your fucking opinion

do you guys hear that

water is that

water annoying

mrs rogan’s running the fucking hose

this is such

a low rent podcast

situation hold on let me tell her to stop

yeah oh i’ll be

right back ladies

dylan tommy talk

about your childhood

okay my childhood

it was really bad i was beaten

and hit a lot and i did a lot of drugs

stick to the

script oh that’s nice oh wow that was quick

no no water they didn’t hear the

water that’s how i rule

there was water going on in the background this is from

my days working on fear factor we always have to

check for sound issues in the

background like occasionally would be

planes with flowers

to stop filming

i hear that

sound that starts to distract the shit out of me

that’s how i run my house

folks with a fucking iron fist

all right when i’m doing a podcast to be no

water in the

plants god damn it

um so we’re talking

about needy being needy being a comedian

the worst is when people don’t recognize

that and they don’t change and they keep that

goofy fucking ego like into their thirties and forties

you know and they’re you know

still trying to be the fucking man and

and what i really hate is the

like like what i call like the raw raw

comics like

like they have like a fake uh

enthusiasm yeah or or a fake with the

worst is fake and raged

yes oh like it’s the

worst like there’s one dude specifically

who drives me

crazy and i’ll tell you

i don’t want to be mean

yeah i don’t want to be mean i’ll tell you i had a guy

i wouldn’t tell you

where but i’ll tell you afterwards

that opened for me that his whole

thing was like

how fucked up this is man

and like it was just like there were

these contrived it

was contrived

rants about like

the man and like how

he was such a fucking rebel

and like he got you know and the

crowd just like yeah i’m like

you’re like dude

what you did is you just gave a stump speech

like you know you’re

running for office up there yeah and but in his mind

he is a brilliant revolutionary

comic you know

that’s for me like

the most pain i worked with the dude once and the dude

actually said this to the audience he said something

stupid something political

and then he paused and he goes

that usually gets an applause break

he actually said that

that’s great

could you imagine

could you imagine even

thinking that way

like thinking like why are you not giving

me my claps i deserve claps this is that we have to

agree on this

point yeah we should all

agree on this

like you know

applause breaks have to come

you can’t expect them oh my god

you can’t be looking for them that’s

gross and honestly

the ones that like

i have gotten are

never ever like did you

think they were

gonna happen there

like it’s always like

just a natural

thing you know you’re like whoa i can’t believe

that’s the line or that’s the

point of view that gets an applause

break like yeah

it’s so crazy that somebody’s like

crafting them that

crafting applause

i had a friend of mine

when i was coming up he used to say

when people

start clapping

you gotta pause and just hold it

and they’ll keep clapping

and a lot of times you’ll get an applause

break when you wouldn’t have gotten one that’s horrible

what the fuck are you talking

about man is that better for them

cause they’re all in there together that’s ridiculous

you’ll see to the mugging

for like when the punch line is not that good and then

right some some comics will like

say the punch line and then

the crowds like kind of

laughing and then they’ll give them the like a

like there and a

pause and a

smile like that’s

where it was and see if they’ll come along for it

or the worst is like

set is over

and you’ll see somebody kind of like force

like i’m done like

let’s force how much

you’re gonna respond

at the end of my set like i know you just kind of

stand there so the

crowd is uncommon have you ever

seen a guy ask for a

standing ovation oh yeah yeah

isn’t that the funniest shit ever

i can’t that’s so terrible

i’ve seen guys

they stay on

stage to go

ladies and gentlemen last

night i had

a shower wasn’t even as good as this i got a

standing ovation

so i don’t even know how y’all

gonna react

what the fuck is this guy doing he was like one of

those singing comedians

he would go up and sing songs he

would like you know like pretend he was like this guy

and like it wasn’t even like really

funny it’s just like he could

sound like those guys oh oh no

last night it

sounds like a

silly thing to worry

about you know it sounds like it’s like why do you care

about fake enthusiasm

you know why do you care about that

the reason why you care about that is because

you realize that someone’s operating on a

level that only works

against someone who doesn’t know that it’s a trick

but to everybody else who does

it doesn’t work

the only time it gets us

is someone who really really knows the trick

is it’s gotta be real it’s gotta be a real genuine

thought that this guy has it’s really

funny and well put together

and then it’ll get us

so it’s like when we see like an audience

laughing at something that’s not

funny to us like it’s almost like insulting

it is it’s exactly what

it is yeah it’s like you fuck you trying to get me to

laugh with that yeah you know

you know that it’s a

trick like you can

sense you’re like

that’s what he just did was he just you know

he just waves his hands

like that you know you know that it wasn’t like genuine

that’s the thing is you can

you when you

do it long enough and you see it long enough

you can tell when it’s genuine

when it’s really like somebody’s

point of view

now one of the

weirdest things

about tommy is

tommy is actually

married to a comedian

and she’s fucking really funny

and i saw her for the

first time was it like last

thursday what’s your wife’s name

again christina pajitski yeah

she doesn’t keep

tommy segura’s name

notice that yeah who’s wearing the

pants in that house huh

not me not me

she keep your name man her last name is

ridiculous her last name is

completely absurd why is she trying to keep that

stupid name well she’s

she’s been doing

stand up for

like you know

eight years

or something well you don’t want to lose that fucking

giant following

so maybe that’s her fucking problem she’s so funny

maybe that’s just been holding her back is that name

i know i know i’ve been

to and i took i’d really fucking hold her down like

to check to get even like

the do the driver’s license change not

really because she was just like it takes a lot of work

wow support you huh

yeah i was like fucking change

i want to own you

bitch and no i don’t

know that i

think that’s just like that’s weak

i know a dude who is a comic

in new york and he did the hyphen

thing and he took

her name last that’s fucking unforgivable and he was a

comic and not just a comic but an established comic

i mean this is a guy who had a good following

really yes he had a good following he had done a

bunch of tv shows

he had you know done like the evening of the improv

sort of circuit he could headline he

would headline in clubs around town so he had like

he had like a real reputation of following

and this fucking guy

took his wife’s name last it was

ridiculous that’s the

death of him right that’s well eventually she want to

breaking up with them and that was the death

well it was even weirder

still because this guy used to get on

stage and proclaim himself to be a feminist

that’s great

which is ridiculous for women okay

just like it’s just as ridiculous to

like be like all into being an american

you know like and look

america for sure is the best country but

guess what douchebag you know

you were born here you know

you didn’t do anything to make this country is awesome

yeah you know what you do

what did you do to make this the best you know did

you a part of the declaration of independence

did you you know come on man you’re

proud of being born a certain

patch of dirt that’s so it makes no sense you have that

respecting the

ideals and respecting

what it is to you and and and being

proud to be a part of

what’s supposed to be

the civilization that’s at the cusp of

humanity and that’s what we’re supposed to be

we’re the people that move from

everywhere else what america’s supposed to be is

we’re the people who came from

everywhere else and came to this one spot

so the ideal of it

should be like you

should have some

pride in the

ideal but i

think that somehow another you’re better

because you’re

from this dirt and you got a problem with some

other dudes from that dirt

what the fuck you have no credit or

blame for where you’re born ever like it’s absurd to

think that like it’s why

you can go you know what

like people that are born in like the congo you’re like

that fucking sucks man

that guy did

nothing to deserve being born in a horrible

place yeah but also like you didn’t do anything

amazing to be born in fucking

you know yeah it’s like you’re doing

great to have a

vagina you didn’t you’re

you didn’t ask to be a

woman i don’t

you know and

to be a feminist

like to only like

being into like feminine

values and pushing forth

i understand that you

think that you’re

fighting against something i totally

understand that

but we should all be

against oppression for everyone

not just oppression for women

to concentrate on that just as a

group like every

feminist i have ever met to a

woman and i’ve only met two

been really fucking

annoying how

about probably went

more into were they were

no they were horrendous

one of them had an argument with

at the comedy

store some crazy lady

who like started insulting me i try to be like

super nice to her

this is a video of it online

she’s like a performance artist

slash feminist and

and she like

she fucking turned on me i

tried to like

just talk to her she was asking me questions and she

actually interrupted a conversation that i was having

with somebody else

and she started talking to me and then somewhere

along the line she kept

telling me to

look in her eyes when i was talking to her i just got

i got annoyed and i just

started attacking her

which is yeah

which is what i tend to do

when people are douchey

they’re never i

think that whole like i mean just i’m totally for

like like i said nobody

being discriminated

against right

absolutely but like the

people who really subscribe to like when it’s a woman

that really subscribe so i

gotta be a champion of women

i find for the most of the part most of the time

it’s women that were not ever like

pursued that the guys didn’t really want them and they

go off like it’s

never a really

attractive woman that

rights men like

climbing all over

fighting all over of

course to get to her and if she is she’s fucking

crazy she’s out of her mind

she’s never mind

yeah it’s like

i always feel

about the same way i always feel

about guys like al

sharpton guys like

jesse jackson that are only involved in

black and white issues

only involved in

black people issues i’m like fucking really and

really and they’re

and they’re only involved

their only motivation

and their only

motivation is they love being on camera

right well and being on camera is the reason why i

wear fucking expensive suits and driving beautiful cars

they have become the

voice of discrimination

that’s fucking ridiculous

you have one person or two people

and one of them how

about al sharpton

he starts his

whole career

started out over a

false rape accusation by some

crazy chick

that he got behind they blamed it on

white people as

tijuana brawley case

if you don’t know

about this she

smeared shit on her own body and

claimed that she got

raped really you didn’t know the story

you gotta look it up google

tijuana brawley

al sharpton

it’s a hilarious

story it’s like

she falsely accused people of rape

and he you know

made his career out of

you know getting in the public eye

and you know and making a

big deal out of this and turning into his gigantic rape

issue i think that guy loves

when when any

black person has something

like scandalous have yet

he loves it

he gets to come on be like this is a travesty

yeah he gets to talk it’s

fucking bullshit man yeah it’s it’s incredible that

there’s there’s

two guys that are at the

forefront of any like public

issue that has to do with race

and it’s do with

black and white people

but it does not race either

because if there’s some gigantic

vietnamese and

white person

issue this i fucking doubt

you’re gonna see

jesse jackson on tv trying

to that’s the

thing man is that like they asked al

sharpton one time

hey would you because he

came to the rescue of like some i don’t know he came to

speak out because oh some kid like got kicked out of

school for fighting at the

school and as a

black kid of course

right and he

was like of course what

the fuck you saying

well i mean i

wouldn’t care i

wouldn’t show up if it wasn’t a

black person

so they go like

words will you fucking

would you do

would you care

would you show up

if like if it was a

white kid he was

absolutely if they were to

reach out to me

i would that’s complete bullshit he well

maybe it’s not

i don’t know

sharpton he’s so

whorish that

he might go

on just for the opportunity to show that he’s not just

about black but it’s

never happened but nobody invites him yeah

if a white kid gets in

trouble nobody’s

gonna invite i’m

gonna call him i’m gonna

next time some

white shit happens

i’m calling out

sharpton and i’m

gonna ask him to please show up

how do we fix that how do we fix this

ridiculous idea

that black people and

white people

and that like you

know there’s a

group of them and they’re

against a group of us and men against

women against

i would say these

three types of people in the world

morons assholes

and people you

can hang out with and that’s reality and there

might be some people in

those people that you can hang out that you

truly love there’s a

broad spectrum and

other people that you can just tolerate

sure but that’s the group it’s

morons assholes and people you can hang out with

and sometimes you can hang out with assholes if you

know them well enough or if you grew up with them and

there’s a bunch of people that i grew up with that i

still keep in

touch with that i probably

would never talk to

if i didn’t grow up with them oh

sure guys i used to do martial arts with and

stuff and there’s a

bunch of dudes

and i’m happy to talk to them and i’m

happy they’re in my life

but the reality is if i met him

today we wouldn’t be such

close friends oh

i know exactly

right yeah absolutely

but the idea that we

still do this in

2010 like is that

gonna change ever

are we ever gonna like

melt together to be one fucking big

giant mocha race

you know like a combination of everybody and just

drop all the nutty diversity that

causes problems

i think in this country it’s

gonna come pretty fucking

close people love diversity don’t get me

wrong a lot of people say oh diversity

doesn’t cause problems

racism cause problems

know it’s actually a challenge

to look at people and

judge them not by

you know as martin luther

king said by the

color of their skin by the content of the character

you know that’s a challenge and that’s a good

thing and it’s

and i agree yeah

definitely for me it is i like having a

bunch of different people but i don’t know

if like as a race if we can figure out a way as a

human race to

not differentiate because of the way we look

i don’t know if we can i mean

it’s on that

like people’s natural instinct

is to like and i’m saying

what’s the judge but it’s also to be

drawn to people like you

right that’s just and it’s not even a

that’s not totally true because why do

black guys like to fuck so many

white girls

what’s that about man

they only go for the pigs

no they don’t that’s just the ones they can get

well listen man

there’s a lot of

black dudes out there fucking a lot of

white girls don’t go crazy

no yeah i agree

but especially

athletes like you ever seen like michael jordan

he’s always with tens

everywhere he goes oh

but that’s michael jordan

getting in his car with a ten

you know i’m saying but they’re all

white he’s got a badass like i

think she’s like a cuban

bitch right now

she’s out yeah

look at tiger woods all hot

white chicks you know

yeah yeah but

tiger woods is an amalgamation

himself but

when you’re out you usually see the brothers with like

a chick i mean you know

i don’t go to the really good

places so maybe

they’re really good

places but i

usually see them with fucking animals like the

beast oh yeah

and anne it’ll be like a chick who

is driving him

be like i just got you some shoes and like

that’s not a bad deal yeah look i think

water seeks its own level

and if that ugly chick can get a good looking

black man to fuck the shit out of her

every week and

so what if he robs her every now and then

but don’t you think

with that but wait do you

think though like if you were to walk into like a

whatever a room somewhere

and there and it was it was segregated

wouldn’t be the inclination that you would go towards

the white people yeah

i wish i wouldn’t

but it depends on where i am

you know but i don’t think that’s even like

if it’s a group of people like if it’s a

group of comedians or something like that no

that’s just like if it’s a group of comedians it’s like

it’s a you’re all the same

right don’t you feel like that yeah you walk into a

group you know

if but if you don’t know

them if you don’t know anything you didn’t know anybody

yeah you might go towards the

white guy and but a

black guy would walk

with depends on how the

black guys are dressed

addresses suits and

ties and they look like businessmen

yeah then i

might go to them you know

but what if they all had on blue or red caps and and

then i would go to the white guys

i’ll go to the biggest fattest

white guy to

stand behind in case

shit happens yeah

real close to the door i try to

angle myself try to line up the room

you know but i

think like if

you go in somewhere you’ll see like you know

asians will be with

asians and latin people

yeah well i

think it’s also

a part of our

natural inclination from back when we were

tribes of monkey people

to select a group

and to stay with that

group and to assume that all the

other groups are

against you

know i mean that’s what we do with

sports teams

that’s what we do in with

state pride you know that’s what we do in the north

versus the south

it’s really all the same thing

yes like it’s all team shit

you know there was

a theory that we talked

about on here

on the show before that this

anthropologist

came up with it’s called dunbar’s number

and dunbar’s number is

it’s all about the number of people

that you’re capable of remembering and having

stable relationships with

and it’s like

150 people is the most

and that’s the theory the theory is oh

it’s right or not but it’s pretty

close in my opinion knowing a lot of people i think

150 people sounds

about right yeah it’s

like you can’t have that many more people in your life

because if you do it’s just too confusing and you

don’t have the capacity to remember it it’s almost like

our culture

has evolved so far that it’s an operating

system that are

hard drive isn’t capable of processing like

what our operating

system is our operating

system and our memory and our hardware is set up for

living you know in fucking

you know 10 000 bc

yeah rolling

sticks with rocks

sharp rocks at the end of it as at moving animals yeah

our hardware

has barely evolved past that

but our software our culture

is just fucking like

crazy there’s

three hundred million of us all in this

one continent and all supposed to be on the same team

and there’s so much disconnection

that we try to get

connections

like little

small connections the the

tribe itself is too massive

i think like

thousands and thousands of years ago like you know

when people had

when we were

tribes of hunters and gatherers and were nomadic and

everything like that like

the bond between people in those

tribes must have

been so fucking intense really so much better and more

more cooperation more love for each

other more community than we have today

i mean do you even fucking

know your neighbors man do you know your neighbors

but i think part

no i do not

actually this guy who lives over here is a douchebag

i know that he lets his dogs go out and they bite

other people’s dogs

then you know i got this guy up the

street it’s kind of a pain in the ass and this lady’s

weird and so he’s

asked weird questions it’s like

i barely know

these fucking people i waved a few of

them yeah you know some of them i like to see him but

it’s not like it used to be man i live

i live doors down i live in an

apartment yeah i live

like and you

even know the people next to you don’t know

their names that’s crazy yeah

you’re living in like a

hotel yeah i

think it’s you know part of it is that i feel like

today it’s almost like

like we kind of

almost in a

weird way encourage people to be

selfish yeah

we tell people like

don’t waste your time

with that don’t do this and that for so and so like

it’s like you’re saying

look out for yourself shit yeah

but it’s kind of like

it’s almost like that’s

because there’s too many of us yeah don’t go out of

your way for somebody man that’s kind of the way it’s

our culture has

evolved into this

weird place

to deal with the fact that there’s so many of us

i mean that’s really what it is

there’s just too fucking many

human beings in this one

place yeah you know for for the way we’re

wired not too many beans

mean obviously

it’s not sustainable if we keep growing at this rate

but the rate

like right now we have enough food if

we you know

concentrating

everything and do mean we’re feeding

people you know we are getting it done right now

yeah but man

we’re set up for much

smaller groups oh yeah that shit will

hypnotize you you can’t look at that i know i’m

sorry i got distracted

fuck with you

and then you won’t be able to have a conversation yeah

sorry and the chat will

blind you with its retardation

there’s some cool people in that trap but there’s some

monsters in there

there’s some fucking monkeys

so anyway the way we got out to this subject was

feminism and the idea that this poor fuck who

changed his name was actually a male feminist

that that’s

that that’s it’s so depressing so sad

a woman being a woman being

a mail list is that a is that a word

you know could you imagine a woman who like

sticks up for men’s rights that would be just a whore

that’s all you would think about that girl that

might be like a girl that survives on loads

that’s part like if she

doesn’t have them she doesn’t live

yeah she’s like a lowed vampire

yeah give me

those chug chug chug could you imagine what a

ridiculous idea that a woman would be a maleist

you know and everybody would have such a definitive

what was the word

masculinist

is there a word i don’t think there is even a word

feminist is such a common part of our vocabulary

but the male pro male yeah is like

like us 101 was like as close as we got

but any yeah any

woman that would be only into men you would

know chicks would

trust that fucking bitch no no way for a

second she’s doing

you know like standing up for men’s rights and chick

no chicks would trust her and guys would

just like they’d be all over it but they would also be

like you would be like something’s

wrong with this bitch yeah

they would think it’s a gimmick too

which i thought with him with this guy he would go on

stage and talk about on stage how he’s a feminist and i

would be like oh my god

and with chicks just cheer like yeah

the broken ones yeah

the broken ones that like to see a man who’s fucking

who’s weak and wearing a bridle in his mouth

with marks on his ass yeah that’s you know

that’s for a fuck

it’s a sad guy man

the groups man

you know it’s very hard

to be a female comedian and this is

where we all got started from you know this you

wouldn’t your wife wouldn’t change her name yeah yeah

so your your wife even though she won’t change her name

still very funny and

how long she been doing comedy yeah about eight years

eight years yeah by years

so you guys would like pretty similar timelines

yeah how many years you’ve been doing it now eight

eight yep hmm

where’d you meet her

i met her in a room doing

the show yeah

did you fuck her that night no enough time

she had a different boyfriend at the time

really yeah you

stole that bitch well now they

broke up i mean they

were having anything to do with them

breaking out no nothing nothing i always

thought she was cool

yeah i thought they were cool nice and like i just

i thought i

liked her but i was like that’s just like not

gonna happen like

they were together a

while man like few years

how did he fuck up

don’t know i don’t know how he fucked up

i mean i know that she left

tommy buns into the picture

i fucked up

she just decided i guess that she wasn’t gonna

marry that guy so wow

yeah then i came in there and i just took that shit

you just grabbed it yeah just came in and took what

she was vulnerable yeah you got her on the rebound

yeah i’m totally

i totally did how many weeks

after the breakup did you get her i think it was like

i think like a couple months had passed couple

months i think so

she’s a good person she’s

thinking huh yeah yeah

chicks get mad

so they get so mad when you

break up with a chick and you have a new one

right away yeah

angry yeah yeah you know a friend of ours is

going through a situation like that right now

can’t really talk about

yeah yeah but his his access

angry at him oh cause

yeah i bet it’s really high

angry like a motherfucker yeah yeah yeah

yeah she whatever

what you do man

that can’t be good man yeah

you know this that attachment that people have to each

other so fucking intense that when they break

when someone

breaks up with you and then

starts dating someone else that you feel like they

stole from you like they

stole your happiness

you know it’s like

where’s my fucking happiness and why am i

why is my happiness been replaced with deep

sorrow and sad

devastating feeling man

crushing man there’s nothing actually

like separate from that that makes you feel that

quite that way

i can’t think of anything

else like death

yeah it’s like

death it’s like a

death a dog dies more than a dog dies

a friend dies a friend or

yeah yeah it’s a devastating

thing for people man

it’s because

nature has its

setup that we attach to each other

that we become

addicted to each

other and then we

literally having that person in your life it’s like

your whole formula

your your whole

like balance is it’s

requires having that person in the system

right you have a

whole system and

that person you go to for your love and your sex and

your and they

like a lock into your grid and

you know when

they’re gone it’s like you have this gaping hole

where that person used to be yeah

and most people just try to fill that

bitch up real

quick yeah yeah

what’s the next one

the next one

yeah we got a leak

you know plug it up

it’s weird man but it’s all set up so that we

breed it’s all like

these weird little

biological tricks

you know like

the the irrationality of the

breakup depression

it’s so intense and you

could tell people all day

it doesn’t matter there’s

other people out there you’re

gonna do but it

doesn’t matter you can say

you can rationalize all day

and there’s

gonna be times

where people make

phone calls they

should not fucking make

you know it’s over

but if i just call her

maybe i never expressed myself

maybe i never did it the right way

and then you call and then there’s that

empty feeling

where you’re talking to them they really

don’t want to talk to you and they’re like listen

i think i need

to be by myself listen just give me a chance

just try no

i am with someone

right now and like what

then you’re what and then

and then you hang up and then you can’t

sleep and you’re devastated

like what a trick

what a terrible

trick and if

you look back on some of the times you’ve had

those situations and

how fucking

happy you are that they

you broke up with that person oh

sure man yeah

how many times

does that happen when you look back on like

like when i was 21 and my

girlfriend broke up with me i was so sad

for like a week i couldn’t believe i thought she was

gonna be the one

we’re gonna have

babies together and shit but now i

think back i’m like what if i got

stuck with her oh yeah

oh all right i

think about just like times

where like i went out even you know

when i was like wanted to pursue somebody and then like

maybe went out with him a few times and it

didn’t work out didn’t evolve

and how that was like

like you know like depressing you like right

and you met and then you get to like you

sort of get

to know the person from a distance you like you imagine

but ended up like if that had worked out i

would be miserable

today you ever had an

angry girlfriend

no i’ve got a few

angry ones no i’ve had a few

angry ones the

angry ones are so strange

because you just tolerate

like this this

yelling and this craziness in your life you

tolerate people getting pissed you tolerate negativity

and then you realize one day like you

break up with them and you go okay

the the fucking

noise has stopped yeah like

the my i feel so much better like

i was dating a fucking

crazy person

shaking your

core yeah i was dating

some fucking some

monster some some deficit in my life you know yeah i i

i lived with somebody who

no no not but not a

girlfriend had roommates

and one of my roommates

dated a fucking a monster

when they ended it it was like the whole

like the whole

apartment complex

calmed down like it you know i mean it was like

right right

i do is supposed to be this

chill yeah you were

you were bringing fucking

devastation to this

place every day

why did you invite an earthquake in here

every single day like that’s do she roommates do she do

anything do she in your life you

gotta you gotta figure out a way to

separate yourself from that like that’s like number one

like any shit you have to deal with like if

you have a fucked up job and it’s a bad situation you

gotta get the fuck out

oh man just go

yeah you can’t just swallow that

there’s a reason why so many guys go postal

you know you hear that

expression postal

i mean there’s a reason why that

expression exists

cause that job sucks yep

that job is

boring as fuck and you work with a

bunch of assholes

and one day you go i’m

gonna get a fucking gun and i’m gonna kill

every last one of you douchebags

because they

have been the source of your pain and frustration

every goddamn day

you show up at work there’s negativity

there’s and

not saying that the guy who

shoots him isn’t the fucking

the cause of it

yeah yeah sure

but it’s like to them like there’s

you know they’re hard wired

wrong so whatever whatever the fuck

the reason they hate it

you know they get there and it’s just shit

every day it’s shit and with other

there’s so many people out there that just

hate everyone they have to deal with

everything and they

have bosses that fuck with them and and

and you realize too man like

after you know when you get like a little bit older you

start to figure out that like you’re in control

of of like your own happiness in a lot of ways like you

are but you’re not when you get all locked up with debt

the thing is you get a car and you get an

apartment and you know in

you know you have bills you have to pay

every fucking month

that’s when things get

tricky cause then

especially in

this economy like what do you do you fucking just

cast yourself

off freed you quit this without having another job

no what do you do i

think that well there’s like borderline like

you don’t be a fucking like i’m just

gonna quit everything but like

if you’re really fucking miserable

either at your job

or in a relationship or even like with like

a friend or whatever it is

you can fucking make that better like

you can get you can

leave somebody

you can look for another

job i know it’s i’m not saying it’s easy get your

own shit together you can get your shit together you’re

getting your own shit together the only way you’re ever

gonna really have a fun life and a fun relationship now

is if you deal with your own personal bullshit

like you can’t have a good relationship

you got a lot of personal bullshit absolutely

absolutely yeah there’s no such

thing as somebody with

who’s got a

a bunch of fucking

their own issues and has

great relationships you know like it’s just

you have to

straighten your shit up but i’m just saying like

you can make a decision

to not be miserable how many times do you ever get that

speech where

people ask you like hey

um how do you how did you get

started in comedy

if i wanted to do comedy how

would i get

started and they’re like

thirty five or

thirty six oh yeah

dude i don’t even know what to tell you like you’re

gonna have to live like

a popper you

are you ready to get that hot tub time machine going

go back you can’t

start i mean you can well

robert schimmel did you know she

started when he was 36

sure fucking

crazy i’m pretty sure yeah

i’m pretty sure

he started fairly late

and i believe you already had a family

he did yeah i didn’t remember which is

that’s that

makes it even harder he’s hilarious dude very

funny i love

she’s sick right now

it’s again you

should have some sort of a

liver transplant

or something like that

i know yeah it’s very sad

he’s a great guy very very very

funny guy too

super funny and

super nice guy too

yeah i love that he can he

when you watch them like you’re

watching somebody who’s it seems like it’s

like effortless like there’s

there’s really like a

controlled like

lower amount of energy of your life

this guy looks like he’s ordering fucking a

sandwich or something and it’s hilarious

and the room is just fucking

exploding he’s a really good writer and

really good at painting

his pace and setting

he’s got his own like very particular

style super yeah

very unique style yeah

he’s fantastic and a lot of his stuff is very juvenile

which i respect yeah

yeah i mean he’s

got a lot of like you know like advanced dick jokes

now they’re like but they’re really

good and well written shit

you know he’s so fucking funny you

started late in life man that that the

likelihood of somebody being 36 and being as good as

robert schimmel

has got to be

i don’t know

like in the

like in the billions

right like that like

that’s not supposed to happen it’s not

supposed to happen usually when people

start out in their late

thirties they just

it’s too late

i started when i was

twenty one i

started just a few weeks

after my twenty

first birthday

i might turn twenty one

august eleventh nineteen

eighty eight

and august twenty

seventh is the

first time i went on stage

wow man yeah

what about you

i want i started

when i was twenty i

i just turned

twenty three yeah right

that’s a good time

right because you’re not a

you’re not locked into any sort of success

it’s not like you’re moving up the

corporate ladder and

you’re doing pretty good and you know you don’t

wanna you don’t want to fucking

sidetrack that and try to do

stand up and then have the

stand up not work out and you go well i

could have been a

success yeah yeah

i know a couple

guys that did that i know a couple guys that

because that’s hard to give up your lifestyle

if you got like it is you’re making good money

in a regular job it’s one of the hardest things

that that leap that untethering from the

system absolutely

make it into show business

quote unquote

especially something as volatile

stand up comedy

especially in the beginning

when you really

don’t know what the fuck you’re doing oh yeah you know

i was lucky i was

twenty one and i you know i had a

bunch of shit

going on martial arts wise i was

teaching and stuff but

i didn’t really have any

money you know i mean

i had a little

i had a car that i was making payments on and once i

started doing comedy i

didn’t have any

money i got

my car got repossessed i had to get the shit really

are yeah yeah

yeah i went broke

but there’s no

no other way around it you know no there’s not

when i think

about how many times i’ve approached

like a rice

basically devastation

is near financial devastation

when you can see it yeah

here’s the bank account and you go

and here’s the calendar and you know

how am i gonna make

money happen

right but then like it’s

weird it’s like

it’s like the universe provides right like

right when you’re like oh i don’t know what’s

gonna happen

something will happen as long as you keep

working as you’re working

as long as you

don’t sit around and wait for it to provide

as long as you keep hustling and keep

grinding you

know yeah the universe will provide

yeah you know and

ladies and gentlemen

i guarantee you you will

laugh if you do not

laugh at this you are a douchebag it’s thrilled

tom seguro you can get it on itunes

can you get

it on amazon you can get on amazon amazon com

you can get it at one of

tommy’s shows

where you at next

i’m at denver this week oh

comedy works downtown oh that’s the best one the comedy

works downtown is the shit i love that fucking place

thursday through

sunday and if you’re

lucky you probably stop snowing there

that’s right yeah true

it snowed in montreal saturday

did it really when we were leaving it was snowing

g7 may seventh

yeah may seventh or whatever the fuck it was and

thirty something degrees out

and snowing

all morning

and i hope it’s not that fucking cold i’m not

ready for that no denver’s not

gonna be that bad it’s already may it’s

gonna probably be like sixties

it would be nice

the colorado’s beautiful

in the spring spring and summer it’s fucking awesome

it’s gotta be

great you went up to my

house up there you know yeah dude

that shit was fucking sick

yeah that was sick

it was too bad a mountain lion

ate my goddamn dog did it really and yeah too bad my

chick doesn’t know how to

drive in the fucking snow

that’s part of the problem

she hit a wall a tree

and she hit

the side of a mountain she

is two separate accidents

and snowy road

she says not a driver the snow at all she grew up in

texas anyway

after the what a

second time

it was like i go on the road too much i’m like i can’t

leave you here you don’t know how to fucking

drive in the snow so

ridiculous when the mountains

should not i grew up in boston

dude i not only did i grow up in boston

i had a newspaper

route for five years

that means that for five fucking years

it didn’t matter how much snow was out i was driving

yeah i drove

every goddamn day

i know how to hit that slide

counter that bitch

i know how to stay calm and pump the

brakes i don’t

panic when my car

starts sliding yeah you know

because yeah i

throw papers out the window

and you know

i got a ton of accidents too

just growing up shit i must have

been in ten accidents by the time i was like twenty one

really from snow and ice and

everything snow and

ice and just being retarded

isn’t it amazing here in la or

california even i

guess how people

react to rain they fucking

panic like really lose

their mind no no idea how to

drive no idea that

well not only that it gets

slippery as fuck when the rain

first starts

and people don’t realize this

especially if you have shitty tires and shitty brakes

because the oil on the ground is

from driving and people’s

engines leaking

it never gets

rinsed off like it does in a normal city yeah it

just builds up

it doesn’t rain here for like fucking

months and months

and months and

months so this

months of millions and millions of cars

every day going to the same spot drip drip drip drip

so oil gets

everywhere and as soon as it rains

the first couple

hours is dangerous as fuck

because that shit is just like ice

it’s terrible people panic

people really

truly panic

there’s so many fucking people here that was

the number one reason why i wanted to

get out of california

moved to colorado

and the reason why i

moved to such a remote

place in the mountains

is i think that

it’s not healthy to be around this many people

know i’ve seen

these studies that they did with

rat population density studies

where they increase

the amount of rats in an area and they get fucking

crazy and start biting each other like

the reason why people don’t like each

other as much is like what we talked

about before we’re supposed to be in

groups small

groups where you know everybody

yeah you know

and we’re only

wired for like

150 you get a

place like la

where you’re

dealing with 20 million people plus mexicans

nobody knows how many people there really are yeah

you know like they send me the

senses and i’m like

get the fuck out of here with the

senses this is a joke yeah

you know how many mexicans i know

that are illegal i know a

ton of them oh yeah i know a

bunch of dudes i know dudes that i work out with i know

i know dudes at certain

stores that i go to

i know it’s dudes that

run businesses they run

their own cash

businesses they’re all mexicans and i know a

bunch of cooks

guys that work at this mexican restaurant that i go to

that’s fucking awesome they’re all illegals and they’re

never gonna answer that sentence

correctly yeah we’re

never gonna have the

right number on that

thing just shut up

you don’t know

you don’t know

there’s no way to tell

there’s no way to tell

this well the only way that’s

gonna tell by the time they can tell

we’re gonna be so far fucked with our

loss of privacy

i mean which is coming i mean that’s

gonna be the next

stage there’s

gonna be some sort of a drastic

decrease in the amount of privacy that we have to the

point where

either it’s gonna be

because technology

brings this on

because it’s just the

technology that

is created is so

immense and powerful

that you really do have like an instant access to

where everyone is

sort of like google for your life

yeah you know like

we have with google now you have an instant access to

to any sort of question

you have on anything you can immediately find out

at least an

idea of what the argument is pro and con and then

start researching into it instantly

well eventually we’re

gonna have something

along those lines

where you’re

gonna be able to know how many people are here

who the people are

you’re gonna be able to google

not even google but

someone who’s not even on google

yeah like my next door neighbor the carpenter

or whatever the fuck he is

you know i don’t know anything

about that guy

and there’s nothing

about him in the news he’s not a bad guy

he’s not a criminal or anything like that sure

you’re gonna be able to know

everything about him sure

you’re gonna be able to know his birthday you’re

gonna be able to know what his

childhood was like you

might be able

to you know

who knows and you’re

gonna know that people will know

everything about you yeah

which is the really vulnerable feeling like

you’re gonna be

you realize that like even now

things you do get

tracked you know yeah your credit card purchases

your surfing can be

how about when you ever use like yahoo

email or something like that

and you like you

you have like certain keywords and your

email and then i’ll show you like ads in the

right house oh yeah

you have to do with like the

email that somebody sent you

yeah yeah what the fuck and

how much more is that gonna

how much better

or more like

invasive is that

gonna be it’s

gonna be much more

you know what i mean we talked

about last week we talked about

smart dust it’s a new

technology that they’ve created

these little tiny

things that are

literally the size of a

grain of sand

and they will have the ability to

transmit and receive data and they will have

their own power supply

what yeah and

hp is working on a

whole project

right now just google

we’re not gonna talk

about it again but if

you’re interested in the idea and what it’s all about

just google smartdust

fascinating and hp

is involved in it and this is there they’re

gonna put trillions of sensors

all over the world

trillions of

these things

so literally they’ll be able to tell you like

where cars are parked

you know that this

house is on fire there’ll be a grid

where people will have access to information

far beyond like the

reach that we have now i already

feel like it’s

pretty like

i don’t know it’s like

upsetting that

i mean i think it’s necessary in a way

but it’s kind of like it makes me uncomfortable that

so many places have cameras you know

yeah but look at how that helped

no that’s what i’m saying i know that it’s a necessary

thing but it’s like

sorry i had to walk away from the

microphone and get my note

back but did

that look at

how that worked in new york with that guy that

tried to blow up that car right tom

square and the

camera busted

him absolutely

but at the same time you go man like

cameras watching me

everywhere i go

well that’s like and then there’s the tinfoil at

put that shit on you say well hey man

that guy’s that car didn’t even

bro blow up man

what they did was

that’s all black ops dude that’s all fucking

co intel pro

what they do is you know alex

jones style you

well they do

basically the guy that is in that van

is working for the federal government

ladies and gentlemen we have the

papers we have the documents

he works for the government

he sets up a

faulty bomb

it doesn’t work

it’s not scientific

it lights on fire

they arrest him they

get him they tell you they got him because of covert

video cameras

and they need to protect you

so to protect us

they’re gonna put

video cameras everywhere

ladies and gentlemen

it’s a scam

it’s a lie it’s it’s the new

world order

did he really say all that

about this i

just made up

that’s what he

would say yeah

yeah that was really good

so i can see his

point of view too

yeah that he

would say you know

um oh it’s bullshit

and you think that’s nonsense you

think that’s but

that’s how the government

thinks i’m not saying that they did that with this

i’m saying they

would do that though i

think with this guy

it’s pretty documented this guy’s a retard and you know

he was all upset at the world and

went to pakistan and met with the taliban

the whole deal

this guy’s legitimately retarded and

he’s not some sort of a

plant but it’s

very possible

there’s a lot of people that believe that

oklahoma city that the reason why oklahoma city was

blown up or was allowed to be

blown up was

so that they

could pass new

stricter anti terrorism laws

yeah but here’s my only problem with like

point of views like that right

and i mean like

with all of them when it’s like a really

something that big is

the magnitude of the

conspiracy if it were to be true yeah

it’s too big

you would have to have too many people keeping

secrets people

are naturally reluctant to keep

secrets for the most part

when you have people

have like a compulsion

to wanna share

especially when it’s something

that they’re not supposed to share

that is true so it’s like if we’re talking

about something

that big you have to have literally

there have to be hundreds of people almost you

mean oklahoma city

yeah oklahoma city well

you know but just to play

devil’s advocate do you know that

the fbi removed several undetonated bombs outside the

building they pulled them out of the building

after it happened

and this is reported on the news in oklahoma

and that the bomb itself that they made at a

fertilizer that

literally like if you look at the evidence like how the

building was blown up

there’s no way a

fertilizer bomb did that kind of damage

not only that the

building blew outward it didn’t

blow from the center down there wasn’t like a big

crater underneath the truck

and the idea is that there were bombs inside the

building and that this guy who

blew up this bomb

you know there’s this

truck bomb yeah he blew up a

truck bomb but that’s not responsible

for all that damage the idea is that the damage

was done by a

bunch of bombs that were inside the

building and all of them didn’t go off and

that’s the reason why the fbi pulled them out of the

building pulled

unexploded ones out of the

building and that

doesn’t necessarily mean the government was involved

what it could have mean was that

he was working with

other people and not only did he have this

fertilizer bomb

but he had these

other bombs in the

building and

maybe his fertilizer

bomb was supposed to detonate

those other bombs and blow up the

whole thing

there’s a bunch of different possibilities of it

but it’s very rarely talked

about and the footage of

all these different people that were involved all

these different fucking

muslim guys that were supposed to be there that had

worked for saddam

hussein and iraq and all

these different

various organizations

it’s a tricky little story

you know we

start looking into it you say well that still

doesn’t mean that there’s some sort of a conspiracy

absolutely it

doesn’t but

they’ve done shit in the past

and when you look at the

stuff that the government has done that

would require hundreds of people to keep

their mouths shut

like do you know

about the gulf of tonkin

do you know about that

is that the vietnam

it’s a fake attack that

has been proven now

and this is something that they did

to get us into the vietnam war so they did that

and they got away with it i mean we went through

the vietnam war

the operation

northwoods is another one and we’ve talked

about this on the podcast before

but for those people who

haven’t heard this google operation

northwoods what operation

northwoods is

was a plan that was

drafted by the joint chiefs of

staff in 1962

and vetoed by kennedy it was signed by the joint

chiefs of staff

and the plan was to attack american

civilians and

blame it on the cubans

so we would go to war with cuba that’s pretty they were

gonna blow up a jet

that was part of the idea they were

gonna blow up a jet and pull the people out of the jet

fly the jet and then move the people to another

plane but then they were

gonna blow the jet up and

say all these people died

really yeah this was 1962

this is a plot by the joint

chiefs of staff

not only did they

say that they were gonna

bomb guantanamo bay they were lob mortars

on guantanamo bay and assume

civilian or

military casualties

so they were

gonna kill american military

to blame it on the cubans

so that people

would get all fired up

so it’s not like they

haven’t done shit like that before yeah no

you start talking

about conspiracies

the real problem is when you get into them and you

start researching them you go

fuck look at all the shit they have done yeah no you’re

right and then and i don’t and i don’t say like that

i don’t believe that

that the government or anybody for that matter

doesn’t have the capacity to be that

morally corrupt or evil right my

just my natural

like inclination is to be like when

these things

start to get

really massive

is to go like

how can we how in this day and

age especially

can that secret be kept

that’s true

one way that it’s kept if you

put your tinfoil

hat on tight

one way it’s kept is by

putting out

information that’s correct and mixing it with a

bunch of stuff that’s ridiculous

right right

you know and

that’s how they

process disinformation what they do is they attach

all these legitimate ideas

to something that’s so outrageous

that it makes the

legitimate ideas seem

ridiculous because they’re connected to them

right but by relationship okay you

know and that’s a strategy that is

well documented you know

if you look at

in the 1950s the cia

wrote papers

about this kind of stuff

you know cointelpro

and the idea that you know you have to

you know put out

dumb stories

that attach themselves to the real

story so it makes it ridiculous

i mean people have have actually had jobs

where there are disinformation

agents and they’re

hired to go on blogs and websites this is

is going on

right now this is like real shit

where they’re hired to

argue certain points

they’re hired to

stand up for government ideas and offer

very well thought out

arguments and they do it

under these anonymous assumed names

and sometimes it’s several people

these are real government jobs that actually exist

and it’s been proven it’s been talked about

we find the shit that the government has done

and it makes

you go fuck what have they done that i don’t know about

it’s gotta be pretty elaborate

and pretty crazy yeah

but sees that’s

where the argument of 100 people

would have to be in on the secret

that’s where it

doesn’t work

the reason why it

doesn’t work is because they have been

you know there’s been a lot of

secrets that

were processed that

we didn’t find out about

the operation

midnight climax is another one we’ve talked on the show

about before

and it’s the 1950s the government

ran the cia

ran brothels

in new york and in san francisco

and they dosed people with lsd

they had johns

would come in and they

would try to get

lay these poor fucks

and they would

blast them with acid

while they’re in there trying to get

their freak on that’s so

crazy that’s so

funny they did it because they wanted to test the

effects of lsd

and they couldn’t find willing patients anymore

you know a few people did it and

you know they fucking dose people man they’ve given you

like a little bit they’re giving you like

mad doses to

see what happened when they did the original

what’s the famous one

where they were

gonna see if it

could be like a

truth serum

where the cia

had they killed people

they accidentally killed one of

their own agents

yeah they gave him too much and he fucking like

cause they didn’t know what kind of

dosages they were just like really have another little

you know tablet

he fucking he lost his he

he died well it makes

sense that they

that that would be possible because if you

think about like

experiments

you know they didn’t know like

it’s not like

we had like a

whole database on

lsd experience

know that we

could pull from like hey don’t do more than

this amount

you’ll fucking blow your because your own

chemistry is also different from the next person yeah

yeah like alcohol like some dudes can’t

drink it all

other dudes can just

drink and somehow another don’t even get

drunk yeah weird

like an old like some guys just

pound it to

all day and some dudes do that with acid

there’s some dudes that

gobble that shit

up and take like fucking five six tabs and they’re fine

yeah and they seem to like be better and then

other dudes they they get a high dose and they’ll

never they’re

never the same

again i know

a guy like that yeah yeah i know a guy like that

who is it what’s his name i can’t say his name

what happened what happened

he took he took a

he took a dose

this is like you know uh

like fifteen no

thirteen years ago

about whoa and that was it huh

that was it dude

what happened

he you know he was

chilling he was in college and just

partying just like doing regular

like you know drinking

what was the effect

he he did i

think he took it like let’s say like on a friday yeah

and everything

you know that it seemingly wore off like the way

any like you know when you

do drugs with wood

and then he was he went

like the next week

went into like the

like the school and

walked through like the cafeteria

went into the

kitchen and

started like

like asking the asking the chef to like

if if he could swim in the

water supply

like like from the sink

like he’s like can i go into into the pipes

whoa and they were just like huh like

what are you doing back here can i go

into the pipes and swim to the water

supply yeah and they were like whoa

so then it was like we

check this kid out and then they

should let him try

maybe he could to this day though he’s you know like

he’s this he’s like he’s he’s off

he’s able to work and

do that but he’s not

the same guy that he was

fuck something happened

some shit was

disconnected

what was he like before and what does he like now

before he was like

like i would say like a thoughtful

you know pretty

articulate reserved

and now he’s like quirky

and like a little more like like he’s

like artsy like a

kind of an artsy guy right

but like peculiar like it like would

says things that like don’t make sense

you know and so you

think he’s like a percentage insane like what yeah yeah

yeah i would

say now and and more inclined like you you’re like

i could see

something else happening

where you would go and

you know i mean like

you’re walking something went

wrong you’re on the edge right now

right like your bet you know you

could i could see you falling in the tank pretty

pretty soon the

crazy tank the crazy tank

but before that

there was no evidence of that at all zero

zero it was totally normal

as far as i knew and i knew him like i

wasn’t good good friends but i knew him fairly well

the mat radical change

radical change

i believe it dude i believe it just because of

i hadn’t experienced

one of the last times i did dmt the last time i did dmt

where it was

a few years ago

where for like two weeks

after i did it

i this way i

was describe it it’s very difficult to describe

but i say that reality got very slippery

it’s like reality

just didn’t seem

didn’t seem like

i could bang on it

really anymore yeah it seemed

like it seemed like

the the dmt

experience is so

powerful and so

incredibly beautiful and overwhelming and shocking

that when you’re doing it it seems more real than

reality itself

it seems like

you’re taking a look into a better

more pure efficient

next stage reality it’s like

you feel like you’re taking this look into what’s next

you know it’s like an

afterlife type of

experience i mean that’s really what it feels like

and then i would come back

or i did come back

from it and then for a couple weeks this life

just didn’t seem

like it was

gonna hold up

it felt like all this shit that i’m seeing

everything around me it’s like

i’m assuming that this is real

i’m assuming

that this is hard and this is reality and this is life

but after doing the dmt

experience like that seems

so much more real than reality so what the fuck is this

you know and then i

started yeah yeah i

started getting these

weird ideas

about like the

structure of life

and you know

the pattern

of human existence and

everything that’s

going on on the planet at the same time

that it was really like much less

tangible much less real

than i thought it was and that perhaps the the

sleeping time when your

brain is producing dmt

you know like when you’re in heavy rem

sleep that that

might be just a much more intense

version of life that we only get like in

small doses that

might be real life and this

might be the

crazy dream and

sounds banana

poop i almost said it

sounds fucking

crazy yeah yeah and um

and rightly so but

what are the alternatives i mean the alternative is

any anytime you

start talking

about what what life

could be or what drugs

could be or what hallucinations really mean

you open yourself up to ridicule

rightly so because most of the time when you talk

about the subjects they

sounds ridiculous

but what is the alternative

well the alternative is that we’re just this

biological fleshy

thing that lives

for 65 years

then you fucking die and you move on and you

breed while you’re here

and eventually there’ll be too many of us will blow the

world up cause there’s too many of us

right that’s the alternative yeah

know and that this

nothing means anything and you

know there is no purpose for any of this unlike

everything else in nature i mean

everything else in nature is

building something

supplying to something

you know a part of an ecosystem

has a very vital vital

part in the

whole process the natural process of life

everything that we see

from volcanoes and fires and predators and prey

all seems to fit into this entire

system that

except for human beings

you know except for how we view our life but i think

we’re just a really advanced form of all that shit

and that what

we’re doing here

in this life

is setting us up somehow or another for the next

stage of existence

that’s why every single

culture has had this idea of heaven

every single

culture has had this idea of a better

place that you’re

gonna go to

know somewhere

where it’s gonna be more pure

or you know there

would be all love or be

there’s all

these different various versions of it i

think it’s because

there’s a part of us instinctively that

understands

that this is a stage

and that like

everything else in the

universe from the big bang to the formation of stars to

the formation of planets to life forming on planets to

life evolving and getting more advanced

that it all

keeps moving on towards some new better more improved

more advanced

thing and that that’s what’s

gonna happen to us too

do you wait but does your did your

did that last the empty

experience though

like that was last

time you did it that was last time i did it did it just

did your experience

afterwards also kind of make you go

well maybe i

should do dmt more

or no no i think

you know the

thing the reason why i

haven’t done it

since then is because i

still i still

think i’m still

trying to exactly process

like honestly process what happened like i

could do it now again

i might be willing to do it now

again if i had some

but i think

it’s just as

important to try to honestly process what happened in

the last experience to try to

learn as much from it as you can

you know one of the

things that you do

experience when you have any like really extreme

psychedelic

experience you

experience this complete dissolving of your ego

everything like you’ve

built yourself up to be

everything your

language the way you talk you know your social

structure how you fit in with

your friends and your family and your dog and all that

stuff your self

definition all dissolves

everything dissolves

your definition of the

world of earth of

human beings all that dissolves too

and you start to look at

things in this almost like this

alien perspective

it’s like i

would say that

like when you’re taking mushrooms it feels like

and even dmt it feels like

you’re looking at the universe through the eyes of an

alien of like a

super advanced

organic life form that’s far far far

evolved from

where we are at this

point in time and you get to see the

whole thing

objectively and

clearly without the context of any of the

things you already

understand and know

about it like

language and accents

and you know jobs and all that bullshit you start

you see it all

like in some

weird sort of a way but when you do that the problem is

especially if you have a

crazy dose a

crazy dmt sort of trip

the real problem

is reassimilating back into the regular world

the real problem is

like being around like regular people and

mundane shit

and try to take it all seriously and try to

focus on all the

stuff that you do you know

you know you do like have to do as

well yeah that’s like i would say

psychedelic

experiences are useless if you can’t

bring something back

if you don’t

learn something that you can

apply to this

world because this is the

world where you’re

spending most of your time

yeah you know yeah

that’s true yeah and

your most of your time is

spent in the waking world

you know so if you’re having these

psychedelic trips and that’s what you really

enjoy out of life it’s like it’s all you’re all

enjoying you know

these experiences and you’re not

enjoying the regular

world at all

then you’re not

bringing anything back with you you can

go and have

these experiences and

bring something back with you and change

the world around you and make it better

like that is possible or

you could take too much and go fucking bonkers and

try to swim in the pipes

to jump in the pipes

and get to the

water supply i’ve

never fucked with acid

you know i don’t i don’t think that

i’m not into

doing anything that people create you know i did

mdma once i did

ecstasy once

and i got really fucked up and the next day my

brain was just useless

yeah and i think i

learned from that

experience i

enjoyed the

experience of being on

ecstasy but the come down

was just way too brutal i was

like this is not good for you

i think shit like chemicals that man made

stuff that doesn’t

exist in nature that

or you know lsd sort of does and yeah

hawaiian baby woodrow

seeds and some some other

things you can actually give a

distract ghb

no i heard that’s bought fucking

i heard that shit is

really dangerous

i i indeed i was in a coma

really yeah yeah

yeah what happened i i took

what the fuck

happened so it’s so dumb when i did

i took i took

ecstasy and then

i was having some drinks

like i probably had like four five drinks

which is you

know like liquor great

right and then

i was like i don’t feel this

ecstasy at all

and this guy how

old are you by the way i’m a

freshman in college so 18 19

so then he’s like

he’s got a gallon of ghb

in the back

now you’re supposed to take

like if you take a cap

if you take

like a water cap yeah that’s what we did we

would take it like this

you’d pour it into that

and just that’s

it and then that’s it yeah well he has a milk jug

so he gives it to me

and i’m like he’s like here just take a swig well and

when i look back on it i realized what i did to

it it was just like out of like not wanting to be rude

basically like

politeness almost killed me

is that i open it and i can’t you couldn’t it’s too

heavy to like

you know a milk

jug just as like a thin little cap

right right you

can’t fill it so you’re trying to like well how much

so i realized

i went like this and i realized there’s too much in my

mouth there’s

six cat fools in my

mouth oh no so

i’m not gonna spit it in it what he’s gonna sell

if i spit it out it’s like i’m spitting

fifty dollars on the ground

so i swallow it oh my god

and then i give it back to him what kind of an asshole

has a fucking milk jug of

ghb around this

house yeah man and then

i fucking continue

drinking and that’s one

thing about ghb

is you’re not supposed to have any alcohol with it

like not even a

drink so you

blackout you go into a coma yeah

who who says what do you remember

i fucking i remember all the way up

until like moments before

blacking out

like i i was hanging out

i was i realized i was like fucking high as shit like

like perma grin like

and just like

right like why we

should hang out man like

buying drinks for like this being a fucking asshole

and then i remember i sat down

and then i blacked out and my

sister was at this bar we were all at a bar

my sister was like

everyone was like just let him

sleep it off

and she’s the one that fucking called

the ambulance like they had to you know and

then i woke up with like tubes and all kinds of shit

yeah it sucked it was really sucked don’t overdose on

ghb it’s not fun yeah

be rude be rude spit that shit out spit

it on the ground

man yeah i’ve

never fucked with that

stuff i’ve never

fucked with cocaine

heroin here’s the

thing too about

ghb is that

in its real natural form

like in what it really is

it’s like you know it can be

regulated it’s used like as an anesthetic

in like parts of europe

but when you buy it from like

street level people

it’s obviously it’s fucked with like

right people will

spike it with anything

well even if they didn’t

spike it you

drank so much of it

right oh yeah yeah i

would have been fucked with if

they used to sell that shit at gnc yeah yeah

right it used to be for bodybuilding for bodybuilder

cover and that was kind of the

thing like when you

when we started like i used to

sample it and stuff

you would use dudes

it was under the guise

of like wow i’m lifting weights like

you know you

gotta gotta fucking get strong

you fucked up i’m lifting

weights lifting

weights oh that’s hilarious man

i wanted to talk

about a couple

things that i saw on the news

today just cause there’s some

ridiculous shit

speaking of lifting weights

and the university of

north carolina

they’re doing this

study somebody put this on the rogan

board my message board

ash put it up there

they’re doing this study on

shooting ultrasound

into people’s balls

what to act as

a birth control and

a reversible birth control for men

they’ll shoot a burst of ultrasound into your ball sack

and and blast all your spermies

so that you’re just shooting blanks for like six months

why would wait what is the point of this

you don’t want to make babies

that sounds horrifying man

sounds ridiculous

that you would

trust them like you’re gonna you’re gonna kill my loads

but they’ll come back in six months

and then what happens

after those six months i make fucking radioactive

babies yeah it’s

gonna what kind of shit is that what what are

those babies gonna look like

could you imagine if like a five and a half months

when your shit

supposed to be like not come back yet yeah

you shoot around at

some chick and you make some fucking nuclear baby yeah

yeah and then

again whoa it’s

gonna be like the six

armed baby yeah

oh my god that’s

gonna be shiva

yeah it will come out

on fucking fire with a

crazy headdress and shit and then

doctors would be like huh

you didn’t know that

i mean come on

think about

all the autistic kids

that are being created

today and all the thoughts of like

where this is coming

from whether it’s environmental or chemicals or yeah

there’s all sorts of theories vaccinations people being

older and having the kids

cause they’re

older and their dna is damaged

how about the

babies that we’re

gonna have when they are

shooting ultrasound into your

fucking sack when you have like

radio waves yeah

no you shouldn’t

i would still just pull out before

i allowed well you know that’s how my

first daughter was born

pull out method

hello yeah i did a bit

about it on my last special

totally true

pulling out don’t work man pre ejaculate

is like there’s there’s a little

swimmer that’s

right i do remember that there’s

boys in there

they’ll fucking they’ll get the job done the

green beret

loads yeah yeah that’s

right the green

yeah that’s real

you can make

you can make a baby for sure without coming inside a

chick it’s actually

doesn’t it kind of makes you go

i can’t believe it didn’t happen so many times

yeah definitely

well i don’t

think it’s that common i

think it’s probably pretty hard to do but it

still possible to do you know it really is yeah

green berets

yeah they’re really like that

how many times you like

squeezing it what you hope and nuns coming out but

a little few guys

might have popped out or how about

not even pre

com that’s like a tiny com oh yeah like a little

like a flex when he was like

yeah just a little bit yeah

yeah you feel a little just a

twitch and you try to hold it in there

yeah yeah well

they’re trying to come

up with all sorts of different ways and you know with

women it’s all hormonal

they can either

shoot you up with something that makes your body

think it’s pregnant

or they give you a pill that makes your body

think it’s pregnant

or they put a

catcher’s mitt in there like put an iud and they

sort that shit in your

snatch and it gets all infected and

and your loads you’re trying to

shoot at it makes barnacles on a fucking dock

you know yeah that thought of that one

that makes me uncomfortable

imagine if they pull it out and there’s all these

stalagmites from your old loads

that have been trying to

get into this

iud and they

just hang out there it’s all crusty with your old loads

and maybe your

old loads die inside her box and that’s why it

starts to stink

yeah as you

imagine like you didn’t want to get her pregnant like

maybe you should take that out honey

but i don’t want to get pregnant

well you don’t know how to get an extra

douche up there

to kill your loads and

squirt them out because your body’s not absorbing them

so she’s just walking around

i’m imagining it now

there’s that oh yeah that

speaking of like gross

have you heard

about that that

movie which one

the the one that’s supposed to be like it’s like

a guy it’s like the

human centipede i

think it’s called i’ve

heard about it online

but i didn’t look at it i

haven’t seen it

everybody’s been talking

about the human

centipede and

i got a bunch of twitter

things like oh

check this out the

human centipede but i

it looks so

ridiculous i

didn’t even want to try it really i didn’t want

to look at it did you see what just happened there yeah

how far away is this

image from our voice

like look how long it takes

yeah it’s like this is like a 10

second delay

i think we’re

gonna have to try something else

other than you stream

i’m have to try some

other service

people say live

stream is really good or is this

but that’s not really live

right there this is what we’re projecting

this is what

we’re saying like look how long it takes yeah watch

two three bam

let’s let’s get a

count on this all

right okay ready

i’m gonna point

to the camera and then i’m

gonna count one

two three four

it’s about five

seconds it’s

about a five or six

second delay

they’re saying it’s fine for them

maybe it’s just not a

whack ass gay connection human

abuse to see what happens see if it works better

i don’t want to see the human centipede man i hear

i’m sure it’s fucked up

i’m sure i’m sure it’s good

now we’re like on like a couple seconds but wait why

why don’t you i’ve seen

everything man i’ve seen too much

i’m distracting myself i’ve seen

everything i’ve seen too much somebody sent me some

video some russian

skinheads cutting this dude’s head off

oh no i don’t i don’t like that shit man i

started watching it for the

first couple

seconds and i stopped it

i said i do not need

to see another dude getting his fucking head color it

doesn’t need

to be in your fucking reserves man yeah it’s a

waste i know it’s out there

i’ve already

i’ve already

applied that data to my view of the

world i don’t have to see more and more evidence of it

i know that there’s some

extreme examples of fucked up shit out there yeah

especially going online and just

going online changes your

whole fucking view of the

world yeah people who don’t

go online can you imagine how dumb our parents were

much less they knew

about the big

picture oh yeah what’s possible no

what’s why if you if you try to tell them

like a lot of times

doesn’t even have to be something too outrageous yeah

i hear that i just your

obama would

obama said he was talking about fucking

ipods and xbox

x yeah and ipads and xbox

none of which i know how to use oh

yeah you know i hate all that

first of all i hate all that none of

which i know how to use what he was saying that

these things provide

information there’s

too much information and it’s difficult to discern

what’s factual and what’s not and that

crazy ideas can gain traction and become problematic

and he was saying

that it’s actually makes it hard on democracy

which i thought was hilarious

makes it hard to

run the country and it’s bad for the country somewhere

and that line just appeals to a certain

generation when they

win yeah none of

which i know how to use this is what he says he says

ipads and xboxes and playstations none of

which i know how to use

my fucking two year old

daughter knows how to use an ipod dude

yeah she knows how to find the song she likes

click on it

she knows how

to go to the little apps and pick a little

monkey game and play the

monkey game

dude you know how to use a fucking ipod

you know don’t be

stupid that’s dumb and don’t brag about

about being stupid

that’s a silly

you’re a goddamn harvard

graduate you’re the president of the fucking united

states of america

right like you’re dumb don’t give us all that aw

shucks bullshit

there’s gonna be a

bunch of retards that always don’t like you or

think you’re an elitist alright you

gotta accept that and just be yourself alright

don’t fuckin

pretend you don’t know how to work an ipod man

just stop i know it’s

stupid that’s

gross i agree

it’s fucking dumb man

you know like

the whole it’s like he’s putting on an act it’s like

he’s like a

comic that we were talking

about earlier

we’re talking

about comics that are disingenuous yeah

that’s what he’s doing it’s a phony thing

yeah so anyway

he’s trying to say that

somehow or another

all this access to information that people have now

the problem is that

these crazy ideas can gain traction

and then it

becomes more of a distraction than it is a useless

you know source of information but that’s ridiculous

so who’s the use

who’s the useful source of information

how come there’s so

much shit that’s in the news that we don’t hear about

how come we have to go online to find out like

what’s happening in

liberia to get real information

about the fucking oil

spill in the gulf

you know you’re not getting that shit from the network

news you’re not getting that shit from the newspapers

you gotta really see the images and the

videos online

there’s a video online

right now this guy

flew a plane

over the gulf

oil spill and

videotaped the

whole thing and put it up and showed

how massive it is and how

they’re being honest

about what a catastrophe it is

it’s fucking

shocking it’s on my twitter you

can go to my twitter feed go to joe rogan on twitter

and just just my name it’s

not dot net anymore it’s just my name i got that back

so if you go to my

twitter feed it’s like one or two twitters ago i put it

watch that video and

freak the fuck out

because it’s horrifying

looking at this gigantic fucking

thing of oil in the middle of the ocean

you’re not hearing

about that from the news they’re recognizing

that it’s a big deal but they’re not showing you

10 minutes of footage

so you can really get a good idea of it you

gotta look online yeah

i mean to find out like shit like operation

north woods or any of

these other

things i’m talking about

this isn’t getting discussed in the newspaper

this isn’t getting discussed

in the news people are hiding this kind of information

big gigantic corporations

control network news they control the newspapers

they control

ge controls nbc and

fox news is owned by rupert murdoch

and you know the abcs disney

yeah i mean these are

giant fucking corporations

they don’t give you all the news you need

the idea that

these bloggers and

these people that are like

they’re not less

less informative they’re

not like like less reliable they’re people that easily

could be working for nbc or cbs

or abc two they’re fucking

journalists

they’re just a new version of

journalist that does shit online

and yeah there’s

some people that are irreparable but then

their reputation is that they suck

you know when someone

online you know

when it’s been proven by a

bunch of different

websites this guy puts out bad information

then they become discredited

i mean it’s like a natural process

yeah and for

obama to say that that’s not the case

and that there’s something bad

about all this new access to information

that just shows me two

things one he’s full

of shit and two they’re dealing with a lot of pressure

they’re getting jacked left and

right about all sorts of things

like a video out

right now of him

on the campaign

trail talking

about no bid contracts yeah

like haliburton and shit like that he just fucking gave

haliburton some grunt giant

five hundred million dollar no

bid contract

his whole fucking platform

was that he was

gonna end no

bid contract yep

they just doesn’t does it yeah

i mean he’s a

he’s oh no more

lobbyists me

only hires a

bunch of them

i mean though

the whole idea behind

being a president

is that you’re supposed

to be some sort of a leader and what you promise us is

supposed to be something that

you’re gonna

when you get in office you’re

gonna change shit you’re

gonna make it better

but no one does nobody does

it’s the craziest hustle ever

but the thing that i

think nobody ever

admits is that neither side ever does ever like ever

right the republic no good

get criticized by the democrats when they do certain

things but once the democrats get in office like the

there’s not nearly as many people criticizing

obama for sending

thirty thousand

troops over to afghanistan

after winning the nobel

prize not nearly as many

as we’re criticizing

george bush of course not nearly yeah yeah yeah

you know they’re all just

spokesperson cause

both sides are

completely full of shit

do you think that they’re full of shit

or do you think they

say whatever the fuck they have to say to get the job

and then once

they get the job they realize that they don’t have

a say they’re not the ones

who get to dictate policy

well it’s that and it’s also that the game itself

of politics is so already

dictated for

you we have this idea that like

we can elect somebody like

especially like

obama like it’s

gonna change

things it’s

gonna actually the

system will change like

he’s gonna be

a certain way and no more like

spinning stuff but you realize that

it’s already laid out

there is there’s a spin

thing in a it’s a job it’s a job it’s a

it’s like being

like it’s you really is like being a prospe

professional

spokesperson it is and and there’s gonna be

distortions of

truth and manipulations and lies

no matter who gets it

it’s too big of a

thing and there’s just

there’s too much too many people that you

would have to try to please

it’d be impossible

so it’s just

it’s the way it is people are

going to lie

and no matter who is in the office

doesn’t matter who the real problem is that

corporate if you ever seen like

movies on corporations

you know like that

especially the document

the documentary the corporation

where they talk

about like a corporation as like a sociopath they don’t

worry at all

about there

it’s really interesting

because they

basically concentrate on

what sociopaths

do is very similar to what corporations do

they don’t worry

about who their actions hurt

and that being in a corporation is sort of like

there’s a diffusion

of responsibility because there’s so many

other people that are doing the same thing

you know and i wonder like when

when you get a guy like obama

i wonder if they

start out with the

right intentions and they

start out really

thinking that they’re

gonna make a change

but once they

get in office you know once they get in there

maybe then it’s

like they realize like you know like you don’t

you don’t get to change shit you know you don’t

you really that’s what they change a few social things

yeah like it

changed like the gay marriage

thing yeah like

they’re getting rid of don’t ask don’t tell

right so you’re

gonna be able to say that you’re gay

you know and he’s also like the medical marijuana

thing they said that they’re not gonna go

after they’re only

gonna go after

the dea will only go

after medical marijuana dispensaries that violate both

state and federal law

so the federal law

is all marijuana is illegal the

state law is very

clearly defined what you’re allowed to do medically

and a lot of people

don’t operate within

those parameters and they

sell a bunch of shit to people that don’t have licenses

so the idea was they’re

gonna go after

those people you know

yeah there’s a few

things that do change

right but it’s it’s that’s what they hang

their hat on like but

are those things that do change

are they because

they have to give something

otherwise people will fucking

just rage up

you know do they

like give you a little just to keep democracy intact

and just resist

the change as much as possible

resist giving

the people what they want as much as possible

is it consciously thought out

i i think i

think the way that the

system is set

up is that this is what bothers me the most

about politics

is for some reason

you’re not allowed to

admit fault in politics

you can’t be like

i did something

this didn’t work out

like that’s that’s the

system that’s set up and

that part that part is like

it is thought out

whatever decision you made

we’re going to make it look like it was the

right decision

right definitely that’s the one

never a mistake that’s the

major flaw in

in like the political

public system you can’t

admit to any flaws never

never if you do you’re

gonna lose traction and you become a flip flopper

or whatever so it’s always like what i did was the

right thing

and that is meticulous obviously it’s methodical

it’s very well you know

it’s outlined it’s

it’s fucking the most depressing thing

about it is the most depressing

thing about politics is that politics are real

you know and that you can you

could lose your fucking life paying attention to it

you know if you

start talking like there’s some new supreme

court justice nominee

that obama likes it looks like a

lesbian and everybody’s all bummed out

about it and there’s all this debate and like

god damn do i really have to fucking

think about this

do i really

have to when you do supposedly if you’re a good

citizen you’re supposed to pay attention because

lives could change and you know you

could be in a situation

where one of her rulings directly affects you yeah

you know i don’t know man

i don’t know i don’t know

we doing that

tommy i was

i wanted to tell you about

brian jack oh this

dude you have a story yeah

dude what’s the dude that you went to high

school with

college college i went to college with and one

night a saturday night

i went to a i was not in fraternity but i went to a

party that a fraternity had

i think it was the pi cap fraternity

and then as i left there is a

another fraternity

next door they like

their fraternity

house right

and i’m walking back

and this fucking guy

brian jack was his name he

beat up like physically pummeled

seven guys and like

full fucking

ninja rambo

style like where it wasn’t even

like he literally

punched a guy

and then did like a

roundhouse kick

and then rolled did

like a fucking like a somersault and like rolled up and

punched another guy

and just destroyed it were like it was like a

video game you’re like

uh uh oh my god oh my god like

just freaking out

watching this guy just why did he get in the

fight what happened

he was he’s a

total fucking like

he was a very independent

like sort of a

loner like a

super athlete like

had that quality

of like like of

like the best athletes do

where it’s like

unbelievable

work ethic when it comes to like

like his you know working out and like

training and like

and just kind of a very peculiar

independent

dude and you know

didn’t i mean

kind of kept himself but

also didn’t fuck like didn’t take any shit from anybody

and he was walking i think

through the yard

of the fraternity guys who

were dressed in like

their their

sunday best like they had

their dockers on and

their ties like they’re dressed up

and to the best that i can remember

somebody said something to him

that didn’t fucking hit him the

right way like

like you know

about like maybe

walking through their lawn

or like why he was at their

house or something

and i don’t remember exactly how it started

but i know how it fucking ended

like brian jack fucking laid out everybody

who was basically in this fraternity

like and it was like it was pretty fucking impressive

and i had a

front fucking row

what kind of an athlete was this guy what he

played football and he was he was a big guy

no he was a

not like super big like like just

lean like a

i would say like six feet

like 205 but like

rock fucking

solid and and

and a little crazy

and he actually i

think played one of the

season like he

broke his neck

and he kept playing

what yeah and he even played like xfl

like that league that came out that was just like

you know yeah there

aren’t any rules like he played in that league i think

anyways now he’s a

wrestler like i

think he’s trying to do wwf and i got

a video sent to me

he calls himself buck wild

is it on youtube yeah let’s find this guy on youtube

yeah and i was like holy shit bj the

wrestler is what he calls himself

buck wild bj the wrestler that’s mickey lark

no buck wild that’s a band wow

there’s a lot of bad shit on here wow

there’s a i don’t know we’ll have to find it

there’s some buck something as a fucking

gay porn star

named bucks something another and it used to be a woman

and she took

oh my god i saw that hormones yeah yeah man he was on

that pornstar but he has a vagina hbo fucking

porn show yeah what is the name

porno copia was the name of yeah

but the name of the guy i’m sure you fucking people

online know about it yeah

i don’t know

whatever that’s not important

your your your

dude beating the fuck out of that guy buck

angel thank you sir

thank you angel yeah wild will

dynamic willi dynamic

people in your

silly names

this whatever don’t look at buck angel

just like i don’t want to look at the

human centipede

and just like you

don’t want to look at russian dudes cutting people’s

heads off you don’t need to see that no no no no no

what’s the worst

thing you’ve ever seen online

the worst thing i’ve seen online

probably some shit that you’ve shown me

i remember i was

i take great

pride in that

i would say that when you send

somebody something fucked up it’s like it’s like a bomb

you just wait for them to

react yeah you know it’s

gonna hit them like send

and it just goes to them

and you know it’s

gonna hit him the what the fuck

and they type back and you get in your

inbox like ah

look what i did i mean

you know the

first time i saw

two girls one cup

was very alarming

but one guy one cup

definitely was more like get the fuck out of here yeah

and then one guy one cup the most disturbing

thing was the scars around his legs yeah

you know he’s been doing this for a

while or his how about his

basically non reaction

to what’s happening

like the scream

and how or even quiver yeah move

right yeah he didn’t even buckle

homeboys got

giant chunks of

glass and blood coming out of his asshole

and he’s just fine with it

i mean if you

haven’t seen it you don’t need to see it

don’t don’t go to one guy one cup don’t go don’t

check that out

mr hanson and mrs hands were pretty

crazy mrs hands this mrs hands

oh you didn’t know there’s mrs hands no all it’s the

girl gets fucked by a horse yeah

oh my god yeah

yeah and that’s what she they call her mrs hands yeah

yeah um but the

things that i don’t like the most the

things that i can’t react to

are like the

ultra real violent shit that’s the

stuff i’m like i fucking can’t do this

like crazy sexual

or whatever but like

i’m with you i don’t like berg

the i don’t like

decapitations and

shit man you know the conspiracy theory behind the nick

bird shit no that

those guys are not arabs that they’re actually cia

and they’re americans

apparently their accents are off

and they’re too big

like they’re not

built like arabs

they’re like big bulky fat fucking beef eating

american psychos really and that’s the the idea that

they they killed

a guy to make people more

excited they

found some guy over

there he’s doing what he’s not supposed to be doing

going to place

where he’s not supposed to be going

and so they jacked him arrested him

and cut his fucking head off so that

he could act as like a deterrent

for people that wanna

go and investigate this and he get people

enthusiastic

about this war like yeah we

gotta get these

motherfuckers

they’re evil

a big pr strategy man for a guy like that

you know you

could take a

guy and use him as a tool like say if some guy

finds out some shit he’s not supposed to find out or

go somewhere is not supposed to go and then

you know if he

could encourage

other people to do it they

could have a real problem

they just cut this guy’s head off and make a

video out of it

and now not only will that shit

never happen

again nobody wants to go over there now they’re

cutting your fucking head off and putting it on a

video yeah and you see that guy gag and

gurgle and make

those horrible

noises while he’s still

alive and they’re sawing

through his fucking neck

you know and it gets people all

fired up about

going to war you

know in a war that’s not a very popular war you know

you gotta be a cold like

i can under like i can see

in certain circumstances

you know how somebody kills somebody

like you know i mean i

understand that there’s a

level that you

cross that like

you know somebody

could do something

where you could kill somebody

yeah i understand that like it’s human

biologically you’re

gonna react

if somebody crosses

a certain line

where it happens

but to cut someone’s head off you have to be a

savage motherfucker yeah

especially with a little

knife you’re not even

using a fucking

axe yeah just

whoop you’re not

going samurai

salon through it like it’s

cutting through it you know i

guess man there’s

a certain amount of people that feel like

you know you have a goal

and you have a job

and you do that job and your objective is to fucking

you know do whatever you know

do whatever the

orders are and the

orders are to kill this guy because you’re

gonna make a

video and this guy is

gonna be a martyr

and you know

we’re gonna use him as a publicity tool you alright

bitch guess you

gotta die yeah you

know i mean how many fucking people have been killed

interrogations

that were innocent

i mean how many people are in guantanamo

bay that are innocent how many people been killed

by accidental bombs that

know that hit

apartment buildings and shit

at a certain number

when certain

you see a certain amount of casualties i think life

starts to get real cheap you

know we see a certain amount of

you know collateral

damage that happens is just a part of the game

i think for a lot of

these guys life just

starts to get

starts to get

cheap yeah i

think you’re right

i think you’re right

scary shit man

scary shit the idea that someone

is willing to cut someone’s fucking head off

for a video

but if you look at like operation northwoods

if you look at that idea the idea of

attacking americans

and blaming on cuban so that we can go to war

it really fits into the the

whole like past

scheme of things yeah

yeah i mean they’re

definitely all

about getting

you have to get

the american people on your side for shit like this so

that’s why there’s always a big push you know

you gotta get people to go like yeah we

gotta get em we

gotta get em

it’s goddamn fucking horrible

i’m gonna take a few questions and we’re

gonna get out of here

thirty five thirteen

you didn’t watch the

ufc this weekend did you no

so i can’t talk too much

about the ufc

it’s pretty interesting because josh koscheck

beat up this dude he fought up

he fought paul daily

and was beating him up

took him down

at will and at one

point in time in the fight

he got kneed in the face an illegal knee

and it didn’t look in the replay like

it hit him at all it looked like he just raised him

and he went down it was like making it like he was

really badly hurt

i don’t know if he was hurt or not he says he was

so but it didn’t look real

but it was it

might have been part of

his strategy to fuck with this dude because he was like

relentlessly taunting him

and tormenting him like you

would take him down he was talking shit to him

while i was

on top of them beating him up and the guy just

could not get up and

every time he wanted to he took him down in the last 30

seconds he’s just talking shit to this dude

while he’s on top of him just

parkin chan and

paul dale is trying to

gouge his eyes when he’s on the bottom it was crazy man

and he was just like i don’t know what the fuck he said

but whatever he said it was driving him nuts

so anyway the bell ends to the round

he gets off this dude and

starts to walk away

and paul daly

walks up behind him like when

like walks up behind the

referee walks up to him and sucker

punches him

after the fight was over

yeah gets booted from the

ufc for life

which you know

can’t do that you know that that

you know you can’t have a

fight and then

try to sucker

punch a guy because you didn’t

get to hit him for 15 minutes because he was too good

because he was taking you down and he was

imposing his game plan on you and they sucker punch him

daily is booted for life for life yeah he fucked up

you know and dana

white got really pissed he

asked him a question like he

asked him apparently

after the fight was over

do you still want to

fight in the ufc and

why are you doing shit like this

and he shrugged his

shoulders and walked away and dana

was like good

well now you won’t i’ll make that decision for you

and just like you can’t do shit like that if you do

you gotta keep your composure like

you talk a lot of shit before the fight and

this guy talks

mad shit like that’s his thing

and coshcheck talks mad shit too so paul

dale and coshcheck

were just going back and forth and back and forth

and it generated

an incredible amount of interest in the fight

but it also put an incredible amount of pressure on him

and when he was getting

his ass kicked and when it was over and he just got

molested for fucking

three rounds like an end of the knee

which may or may not have hit costcheck and

you know it

made it look like a big deal and costcheck like

was lying on his stomach and

you know it was

like making it look like he was out and then when the

referee said to him

referee said

get up i saw the replay

dan mergliad

goes get up i saw the replay it didn’t hit you he goes

well can you get this vaseline

out of my eye

he gets the vaseline

out of his eye

and he goes back to

fighting like

normal like what happened you were almost dead

just a few seconds ago

so it was i

think that was all a part of his

psychological strategy to just

fuck that dude’s head up and it worked hook line

and center it really did and then at the end of the

fight we’re in fucking montreal okay montreal’s in the

middle of this huge playoff

the canadians

against pittsburgh

so he goes he grabs a

microphone goes don’t

worry about it

cause pittsburgh

gonna kick your fucking ass oh

shit and they go nuts made the fucking

you’ve never seen anybody like

a sport or love hockey more than the canadians no no

no no oh my god

dude they go nuts

and then he said and

after that i’m

gonna beat gsp

and you’ll have two fucking losses

and they went nuts and they you know and he

leaves but meanwhile

the dude is

a fucking master strategist when it comes to that shit

i mean he’s a heel he’s playing the heel

and everyone will be so

excited to see his

fight of course

that’s fucking brilliant man

generate so much more interest

made himself a

great villain

right yeah he’s a fucking he

wears the best

black hat in the business yeah

you know so

so he did that but dude the fucking

disappointment in the canadians

when he goes

don’t worry

about it because pittsburgh’s

gonna kick your fucking ass next week

they were like no

it was like you said something

about their

mother man they were so fucking upset

dude they were so upset i’ve

never seen a crowd more

universally

excited about a

sport and a team

then the canadians are

about their hockey yeah dude when they won we got there

thursday night and they won

and they won from behind they came from behind and won

and when we were driving

right we were driving the

game got out and they won and the fucking cab driver

telling us you know

he’s talking

us in french telling us you know with his french i say

they won did they finally

leave it to the hood

and back they

could not hold them back

he thought to make the gold they

tried to stop him he

could not stop him

and he’s fucking

crazy he’s beeping his arm

and everybody else is beeping on

it was a fucking

party down the

street yeah

every car was honking their horn

people were jumping on top of hoods of cars and

screaming and yelling

and everyone had a big

smile in their face like

you never seen so many people united

people that

weren’t at the game no

people that were leaving the game they were

fired up but everybody on the street

it’s like family

there it’s like

their family yeah

dude it’s a

level of love for a

sport and a team

they must take it hard though when

those guys lose oh god yeah

yeah that’s

devastating to them i’ve been in vancouver when like

i think it wasn’t even like

an nhl team i

think it was like

a club league team was playing like

their club team was playing

and businesses shut down

people were on the streets for a game like they’re like

everything’s

gonna be different tonight that’s

crazy man that’s

crazy you don’t see that in america

but not anymore at

least i mean

when i was a kid

the red sox

when the red sox

made it to the world

series was the bill buckner one when the ball went

through his leg

that was a big goddamn deal the

whole the whole city was into that

and people that that

would have been

a very similar situation they had won the

world series

back then i

think maybe it’s

still like that i don’t know it’s not in boston anymore

but i don’t

think it is

i don’t remember it ever being the intensity

level that it was in canada

in canada those

motherfuckers

they they they

loved it man

you see this guy

lars vilks he’s a swedish

the swedish

cartoonist that drew the

image of muhammad with his body

muhammad’s head on the body of a dog

now they’re all trying

they’ve been trying to kill him for like two years i’ve

heard about him

like drawing it is that actual

footage of the attack yeah look at this shit they did

i won’t put

the volume on it don’t matter anyway because

it’s all in

i guess it’s in swedish he’s swedish

so that’s him

right there yeah so he shows this

video on religion

and during the middle of the

video on religion

all these muslims

apparently are

super offended they run up and they tackle them and

punch them in the head

so one dude

punches them in the head

that guy and

then they have to fucking tear gas people and they all

start screaming

allah walk by

allah allah yeah

oh yeah they’re all there to go

after this guy

they’re all there to attack this guy it’s crazy man

and they’re all

angry and they’re

young the students

they have fucking laptops and cameras and shit

and they really

truly believe that this guy’s a

piece of shit for drawing

their guy yeah man

scary shit man

this kind type of

fundamentalism

and retarded

thinking is very

frightened see that guy just hit that guy for no reason

look at the faggy way through that punch too

is that the

weakest shit

they’re fucking

savage yeah

look at them whoa

man yeah nuts

man look at them

they got some weak ass cops there man i

think that’s a chick oh

isn’t it yeah yeah

i control she got terrible side control

that’s chick is that a

trick i think it she should

break that arm she got it

right there

just take that arm

if you haven’t seen the video it’s

it’s unremarkable

other than the fact that it’s just another

group of retarded fucking religious people yeah

screaming and yelling

they’re the most

scary cause christians

you know you’re allowed to draw

jesus you know yeah you can draw jesus

that this is there’s they’re so fucking crazy yeah

draw the guy and and to actually to

like to validate that

point of view

is ridiculous

oh it’s so scary though man it’s so

scary that this is

still going on in

2010 and not only

are these guys like

these college students but

these guys are actually you know

they have laptops they’re in

their hands

while they’re there they

have cameras digital cameras they have access to the

internet they even have like forums on message

boards and shit

where they go and

you know like the

south park guys the ones who wanted to kill

south park yeah

and then somebody hacked them you see that no i didn’t

know it was awesome

somebody hacked him in the

picture was a

muslim guy kissing another

guy and the whole

background was like all like

muhammad’s head with a bomb in his turban

you know and they left an

email address

for these guys to

they less than

an email address for

these guys to

to email them like it’s contact

us that’s us pal

but look at the

is it just me or

his road and look like he is talking to a future out of

shape version of himself

that’s hilarious best

guess so far says this guy oh that’s

tommy seguro

we’re looking on our forums it’s

forums dot joe rogan

net and that is

that’s the the main forum for my website

it’s pretty fucking crazy website it’s

all the podcast go on there

i used to put a lot of

i used to put a lot of blogs up and i

still will write some but

right now i’m in the middle of writing a movie

or movie no a book

and so i got an idea for a movie

but i’m writing a book

and once i’m done with that then i’ll be doing

a lot more blogs

again but i got a couple more months to write this book

mostly about stand up comedy

my early days like crazy stories and shit

obama’s a fucking liar

during the campaign

he was listening to his ipod playlist that’s true

she knows how to use a fucking ipod yes

rivalries you’re correct sir

obama is a fucking liar

i am i i don’t know why that’s

annoying to me

but that shit is very very annoying

okay wearing gold jewelry in one part of the knickberg

video you can see

a military cap move in

front of the camera

he was working on

phone lines he was working on a

tower over in abu ghraib

he took digital

pictures of inside abu

ghraib hence the kidnapping

so that’s why they killed that guy that’s

obviously a conspiracy theory

by my man rivalries

but that would make sense

if that guy had witnessed

you know the abu ghraib

atrocities before

we’re talking

about the guy

who got his head cut off and said that he was actually

his head was cut off by cia

guys it totally makes

sense you know

i think they’d be willing to do something like that

what the fuck do i know man

i don’t got no solutions

folks i only got questions

you got any solutions

tommy bond no

answers to anything no that’s the goddamn problem

is that there are no answers

we need a radical restructuring

of our entire fucking society

our entire world

and that’s not

gonna happen

anytime in our lifetime so what do we do do we put a

patch on things no

you try to control your

micro world that’s what you do

ladies and gentlemen

this is my advice you want some advice

control all the people

that are around you control what you do for a living

control your body control your mind control how you

treat other people

and what kind of

treatment you’ll accept from

other people

if you do that

and if that shit spreads

and if people

learn by your example then

you really can make a change in the difference right

absolutely make a

small change a

small different

locally sort of like politics

like local politics work

you know like you can if you’re a

local town you can choose to

you know put up a stop sign in an area

where people

need to stop because there’s some accidents

right you know you can vote on that and that shit will

actually happen and it’ll actually become something

state politics there’s

state laws that can get

changed you know like

the medical marijuana law in

california is a

clear example of that they voted

like yeah the medical marijuana is helpful for people

let’s vote it let’s make it real announce a reality

but federally man

you don’t get to vote on shit like that

federally you don’t

get to vote on shit like that when it comes to the

whole country

and you can make changes

like in your life and people’s lives around you too

yeah like if you want to fucking

like we’re talking

about you can

you can get away

from shit that’s not affecting you in a good way and

get away from

people that are not good for you and that’s what you

can control you can control what you directly affect

the people in your life the way you

think the way you behave

you can control all that

you know the real

problem with us is that we have so much more access to

human beings and to connecting to each other

than we ever had in the past that’s why people or

they feel like they can be so douchey on message boards

because there’s no

social consequence

there’s no consequence to

emailing someone

on myspace and just saying

nasty fucked up shit to them

you know i make

comics that we

talk to that get horrible fucking messages on facebook

and on twitter

and dudes just say shit just

to get attention yeah yeah you know and people yeah

there’s no consequence there’s no accountability why

would they even want to

reach out to someone

like that why

would they even want to do that

what is that all

about well it’s all

about the same

thing it’s all about

we’ve lost some sort of a

connection with each

other because there’s too fucking many of us

that’s why local shit is the only shit that works

you know small

groups of people that you actually impact like

the people that you impact in your personal life

people you impact

local politics people you impact at your

job and in whatever the fuck you do for your living

you know how you impact

those people down that shit’s all real

it’s just the

matter is how do you get it to work like that with the

whole big giant group

yeah yeah you don’t man we’re fucking rambling we’re

not saying shit anymore

two hours and a half later

that’s usually the end of the podcast

ladies and gentlemen

we come to a

point of no point

yeah yeah it’s the zen ending

but no conclusion a lot of good

points were made

before we got to no point yeah your friend who

fucking badass ass kick

dudes and slacks and tie

shit and fuck with him don’t fuck with that made that

point brian job

we made a point

let’s review

everything we

learned don’t

drink a whole

mouthful of ghb

that’s just terrible for that’s really bad and

your parents will be

disappointed in you yeah

don’t wait until you’re

forty years old to decide you want to be a

stand up comedian

don’t do that

it’s likely that you’re not

robert schimmel

yes likely and if you are

a funny person

and you are

funny stand up comedian and your

don’t assume

that you have to live your

life the same way that got you there with no discipline

and no self control

you can get your shit together

even though neither

tommy nor myself

have our shit together get our shit together and

go buy tommy’s cd

it’s called thrilled

he’s fucking hilarious

i’ll bank on it he’s worked with me many times you

might have seen him with me and

we were in sydney australia together we’ve done

what else do

we do do we do san francisco together we’ve done

san francisco

san jose san jose

we’ve done a

bunch of gigs together fucking hilarious comedian

tom segura com

yes s e g u r a dot com

please follow him on twitter it’s tom segura

just right yep

and i have links for my itunes and amazon

yes and now you are officially on the joe rogan podcast

promoting the tom segura

thrilled cd

it will now blow the fuck up

your twitter

i guarantee you by the end of the day you will have

ten more twitter

followers nice i

think ten at

least i guarantee 10 i guarantee two purchases

of this cd because of this that

would not have happened i fucking really

appreciate that man

and motherfucker we also

learned by the way

that you can

masturbate in a

whole new way yes you can

fuck this it’s way better than your fist

i’m really trying

one and yes i am sponsored by a

flashlight but if it sucked i

would quit the

sponsorship

and i would tell you

i would not sell you anything that i don’t

think is real i will guarantee this

i’m not saying that i will

never have sponsors

but i am saying

that i will

never try to endure

something that i don’t

think is an awesome product

and this is a goddamn awesome product and

it’s for beating off

which i’m for

12 feet no ladies and gentlemen

thank you very much for

tuning into the podcast

we will see you next week next tuesday

same bat time same bat channel 3 p

m pacific and less

mrs rogan bust out the baby

because she’s

ready to do it any day now that

might fuck up my

schedule but either way the weekly podcast

will continue i will keep you informed on twitter

thank you everybody

thank you very much for

tuning in i

love you bitches and i’ll see you soon thank you