The Joe Rogan Experience #22 - John Heffron

now to you stream

sorry for the the incredible delay

absolutely ridiculous

i don’t know why you people tolerate this shit

i don’t know why you people tolerate this shit oh

boy on purpose yeah you totally did

totally did

we have mike stands now except for

my friend john heffron he’s forced to hold his

microphone otherwise we have an ungainly stand

right in front of you i think that would be ridiculous

next time did you

get a stand i have a

stand no i have it like this i’m just gonna i’m

gonna rock it out like this like i’m

about to bell out the last part of some song

yeah like a lead singer from creed

yeah yeah i’m just gonna be so

i’ll just go like this and this is perfect i’m probably

gonna wind up holding onto the mic too because as a

comic that seems like a natural thing

this seems less natural to have this fucking

thing in front of you

yeah it’s kind of odd or

those stands those are kind of like singer songwriter

stands ever do a comedy club

i am a singer song

well that i know but

or you have to use a

stand like that

is there anything more fucking pretentious

than a singer songwriter yeah i’ve done some shitty

and then you got some

shitty gigs

like if you have like

and this is like say as a

comic i mean

i talked about this with tom

segura as a

comic you have to

admit that most

comics suck

right what are

the odds what are the numbers rather it’s like 80 suck

there’s a lot of the lot of that right

same singer songwriters who’s cool singer songwriters

right but eighty percent of them are fucking

miserable douchebag yeah

right yeah yeah

ladies and gentlemen john have fun

winner of last

comic status

miserable douchebag no great guy

in incorrect sir you’re incorrect

about yourself

if you haven’t seen john john one

season two of last

comic standing

i thought it was

season one because i

blocked out

season one because i was on it

and i was on it with

buddy hackett and

buddy hackett got mad at me and then died two weeks

later i was

going to yell at him

it was a creepy moment man i

think we talked

about this did we talk about this

well last time you were on

buddy hackey

yelled at me

and i almost yelled at him back and then two weeks

later he died

so i’m glad i didn’t yell

do you guys know who rip

torren is or rip

rips thorn or whatever

that dude i just saw him

today i had breakfast and he sat in the

table next to me and just

freaking everybody out and

stuff what was he

funny at one

point i don’t really know anything

about him except he was gay he’s like one of

those hollywood squares dudes

that’s always

been on like hollywood squares back in the

seventies and shit

right he was

passing out flyers at paddy’s and it was just really

old as fuck he looks

crazy old like he

doesn’t even look like him anymore

pretty scary

how do you know it was really him it

could have been

because he was passing out rip van torn like flyers

or torn right torn right

it needs to

throw the confetti

was his thing

like oh my god guys was it that guy

oh i have no yeah but

he that was back when there was probably just him and

hey brian can you do me a

favor and just shut that door

yeah and that

other dude that was way gay that was on

hollywood square

oh yeah yeah yeah

hey hey samantha

yeah what is his name

worst impression ever

but you know

how you get

impressions i knew exactly what you’re talking

about charles

something not

so riley okay maybe

no that was a different guy

there’s another

yeah this guy was also on

bewitched samantha

oh yeah you’re right i

always like

those fuck that dude is guys

that were like the only

two or three way way gay guys

whatever and

every tv show

had them on yeah that’s so true if you were a gay guy

back then man you had to be fucking obviously gay and

never talk about it

you know they

never talked

about their boyfriends no

no they didn’t want to

talk about butt

sex and what they like and what they don’t like

they just threw

confetti and you went you know what that guy’s

throwing confetti

he’s probably gay

you know what’s

crazy when you stop and

think about how many people were like

undercover gay back in

those days like

rockheads and

you know so many so many different

guy they just couldn’t they couldn’t be themselves

they didn’t have that option it was impossible

you know or you go did

yeah they didn’t have that option

but they could go out and go to like a gay whatever

crazy club and

never get busted

never you never get caught

the volume on you

streams over modulating

over modulating over because it’s so fucking

powerful now baby

i think that readers

is that guys better sorry

there you go

yeah it used to be

really terrible yeah

go to any place and not get busted though

that was back in the day when you left your house

your your wife couldn’t get a hold of you

until you got back home so you

could do gay shit

yeah so you

can have a wife

how many of them

but now how many you

think work up

front with their wives

and said listen

you don’t have to work ever

again i’ll give you a big fat house you

drive around a nice car you don’t have to have a job

i’ve just be my wife

you know you

could fuck guys

keep it on the dl

don’t get me in

trouble do you

think there was that or do you

think it was

that’s that’s a difficult

move though because you got to be a pretty open and

honest guy to like pull that conversation off if you’ve

i think that happens

a lot i think there’s a lot of beards in hollywood yes

there are but how many of them know

their beards

see i know i know a girl who was

married to a guy for ten fucking years

and then it turns out the guy was gay

the guy came out ten

fucking years into their

marriage and they were dating before they were married

so who knows

how long they had been going on

where he was

just trying to keep it together and pretend

he was heterosexual and finally he just he just came

clean that’s

crazy shit man that girl was

i know for sure

absolutely unaware

completely devastated

couldn’t believe it

shocked blown away

you know that’s that’s a

that’s and she

this is a working woman

i mean she works in hollywood she’s a

smart woman

pretty crazy

story man what i

understand is

my gaydar has to go off you know if i’m

married to somebody i’m

with them that much and if they are really gay then i

would think you

would know unless you’re really

stupid yes you

would but this

woman who i know

is not the most

sexual person

and she’s very

ambitious and she works all the time and she

maybe doesn’t even like sex that much and

maybe every now and then he likes fucking girls

you know maybe

maybe he’s really good at eating

pussy cause he wishes he had one

he’s like if i had one i

would do this to it mmm

what a terrible fucking

gay voice i just

threw out so


i’m so embarrassed myself

but uh yeah man it’s fucking it’s got to be real hard

to have that

wacky gene and you know be

stuck in a situation

where you have to pretend that you’re not you know

could you imagine

if you had to pretend to be gay all the time

imagine if the

only way to work in hollywood was you had to be gay

so you had to

run around pretending to be gay including dating guys

and letting them fuck you

how about that

right to add to the

could you fucking imagine if that was the only way

could you imagine if your

comic you want to make it as a comic and

you the only way is if they

think that you’re gay

fuck but it’s so

tempting me you want to be a

comic so bad you’ve always wanted to be a comedian

that’s your fucking

thing you know

could you imagine no holy shit

you know we’re very

lucky so lucky to be heterosexual

so lucky so true i mean except for

except for the whole

you have to worry

about babies

that’s it gay dudes they just plug each

other in the ass all day

and they don’t have to

worry about shit there’s no repercussions

the worst they get some sort of a disease

they get the aids

that’s the worst but

other than that they’re just pleasure it’s all pleasure

you know just

shooting loads in each

other and having a good time

i got online last night and

i was on youtube

watching that r

kelly clip my new favorite clip of all time

and i went on a youtube journey

which is always amazing if you ever like you

should the very

first video

and youtube you

should write down what it is yeah

and then backtrack your mind to see

how you went from r kelly to

yeah well i went from r

kelly to gay bears

gay muscle bears and

daddy bears

these all these these

videos of gay guys

these hairy

gay guys have online big muscular gay guys like flexing

and you read

like the fucking comments and it’s hilarious

hilarious the comments are all these gay

goose going

i already got precom and like you know

my dick got hard

just looking at that i can’t wait to

shoot on his back

you know all what i

would do to him i wish i had an

older man like him to molest me

and i’m like

it’s all like unanimous perverts like everyone

on the fucking thing

they’re all just disgusting

i was on wicked perverts

a site similar

an adult site that had comments underneath

the actual porn scene

which is just shows i

think that’s

weird as a generation thing

where is that a new thing

i’ve never seen they have that actually

here on you stream

where you can yeah

but you stream is normal but

important side of you

i’m sure i hate

the way she sucks dick yes

she hates it yeah that’s what

said there was this one it was this

asian girl and

that she was typewriting in the comments

underneath was

why would she be

using a typewriter

right now and it’s

to me maybe just an

asian but it’s like just be

happy you’re seeing porn

there’s generation of guys that used to go through the

weird guys trash

used to have to get to sears catalog

we’ve talked

about this many times you know we’re sponsored

be happy that you have porn and

you really gonna create a

screen name by the way we have

to mention this we’re sponsored now sponsored by the

flashlight see that

that’s a butthole

right there

fella pubic

hair on it too where

i did not i’m not use this one sir

i do not do not use the butthole one and i

would not pull out the vagina one out of respect

the one that i have used

i like how it’s autographed

yeah it’s so important

the vagina ones autograph too

really from who

i don’t know

are they famous

yeah i think that one’s like christopher reeves

that’s christopher reeves butthole

wow it’s a lot

pinker than i expected

so that’s the flesh

i sponsored by it

if you’re a masturbator and i know you are you

gotta pick one of

those up it’s fucking fantastic it’s

the greatest masturbation tool ever invented for dudes

cause for years dudes had nothing

now we have this

it’s golden 15

off on joe’s website oh yeah you

click on a link

and get some

get some money for it

get some money off and you

gotta figure if we just go through that i’ve

never used one but anything else you

might use up is

gonna probably called

shaping and it

might you know i mean

get a little hot spots here there you know

so that’s probably a safer

thing about that think

about the less open source you’re putting on you and

your junk yeah but not

irritating the skin look at you looking practical and

that’s the practical and

i don’t know what the

fuck i don’t know what

you’re fucking to put sores all over your dick but yes

i agree with you

well i’m just saying some t

shirts are softer than others

do you fuck your

t shirts so we do

no but i’m saying some just to the you know

what the fuck you saying say it

just don’t say it you fuck your

t shirts no

wrong with that

i don’t know if i

do that i fuck

basically everything i own

i fucked my

bed i fucked pillows i fucked soap i fucked shampoo

i tried a difference

in soap and shampoo my dick got

irritated once

cause i fucked this soap that i didn’t know

it was mrs rogan

soap and it was like if you have acne

i just squirted on my dick and beat off with it

and then my dick oh fucking

red and sore

oh and i was

like what the fuck was that shampoo and then

i just thought it was shampoo

man let’s say just say through conditioning if i

smell pert i

start to get a little bit aroused

wow if i hear running

water have love

yeah exactly if i

smell per but i

think conditioner is a way better way to go

yeah i like the

shampoo you

know bubbles when you blow bubbles that soap

it’s kind of oily

that’s the best

soap the fuck i

think dudes don’t have to worry

about any of

that shit when they’re gay they just bang each

other i bet gay guys hardly

even jerk off they’re just so busy banging each other

they could just get sex all the time

i think so i

think you see it at the gym really

throw freak

you just you just come here and just

dude look and then

you just been in the same room i used to work out of

twenty four hour fitness

and the guy who was the manager there was this really

cool guy and he was assigned to the west hollywood

store the west hollywood

twenty four

hour fitness

cause he had to

clean it up

quote unquote

cause they were having problems there

cause dudes were fucking there

and dudes were

fuck all over the place

they would they

would fuck in the sauna and they

would have to go in there and hose down the sauna

he said it was disgusting

you would go in there it would

smell like ass and there

would be loads

everywhere these guys

would just bang each

other and shoot loads all over the fucking sauna

and you would go in there

literally it’d be a fucking

biological hazard

and he had to

clean all this

stuff out and hose

everything down

he said he always caught dudes banging in there

like those aren’t

some in shape

guys too by dude gay gyms are like gay

discos they

might as well be

nightclubs that’s

where they pick each

other up when i was

when i was doing news

radio i used to work out a gold gym

which is on coal

which was a

total gay disco

i mean that’s all it was was just a

bunch of gay dudes

trying to pick each

other up and they

would spot you like when you didn’t need a spot they

would come over so

they can stand with

their yeah stand

with your balls

above your head

and they would like be really

aggressive like the way i stared at

you and looked at you because they were used to getting

their dick sucked and they did that you know it’s like

that’s their spot that’s

where they go man

they’re fucking

freaks they don’t have to

worry about

babies you know

what was life like

before the pill

could you imagine if we grew

up in when was the pill the fifties is that what it was

could you imagine if we grew up when there was no pill

we don’t even know what that’s like

my girlfriend was on the pill when she was sixteen

right when i was i was sixteen or i was

seventeen she was sixteen she was on the pill

i don’t know what it’s like to be in an error

when there was no pill

could you imagine

how much more careful you had to be how

trickier than to be

you know yeah

or were guys then or or they were like kind of

dudes now when you just

whatever out of a hundred

out of a hundred people

guess how many

per year out of a hundred people

get pregnant even

while they’re on the pill

how many 83

are protected

so it’s whatever that’s it yeah

it’s only 83

so 17 so 17 out of 100

really yeah i was just at

planned parenthood the

other day so they really said that you know why

because show you that i’m out of that

seventeen percent ninety nine percent of those

seventy percent are

lying whores

yeah that’s why

i totally on the pill yeah you’re on the pill

yeah you shoot a load in there now you have a baby

i have a new baby

oh yeah how is it

going as a fucking

fantastic my

mrs rogan gave birth

wednesday we have a new baby

and don’t read the chat you’re

gonna get distracted son

see you’re not even

paying attention you know any read you lost

you don’t want to read that

just concentrate

on the conversation

i’m gonna tell you something i love

not to chime

in you don’t have

apparently i’m in

some random

some random look

listen to that

random dude you gave a

voice to some douchebag

some asshole out there look the beautiful

thing about the internet i always say is that

anyone can say anything they all are

free to say whatever they want but the horrible thing

about the internet is that anyone can say everything

right they can say whatever they want

so douchebags get to talk too so

you don’t know what kind of

group you’re

getting and you can’t read the negative shit 99

of it is gonna be cool people with questions

but that one percent you can’t respond

to them because

you’re reinforcing

shitty behavior

you know those faggots need to get a life

those fucking

dummies that

wanna come on talk shit they

wanna do it on twitter they

wanna do it on myspace and facebook

there though i had to

learn the hard

way that you’re supposed to ignore them you know

yeah or joke

about it is hard

cause you seem like fuck you

but that’s not

even a person man that’s a sad little blip of energy

of negative energy

i had this fucking dude i

should read it

because it’s that interesting

i had this fucking dude

that sent me a message about

the woman who

i had an argument with this feminist

woman once on

on myspace and

not on myspace on

they put it up on youtube

kevin kevin

booth filmed it it was behind a comedy

stores lady

lydia lunch and

i try to be nice to her but she got like

super aggro with me and really douchey and said she was

gonna burn me with her

cigarette so i just

started fucking ripping her

apart and it’s on youtube

and this guy

sent me this fucking scathing i mean that the

chick is a cunt okay

there’s no way i

would ever yell at a

woman unless that

woman’s a cunt i mean it has to get to

a dirty horrible

if that’s my manager i’m fucking firing them i

swear to god

hold on well i got a TikTok

yes it is i’m doing my podcast wow i do it every


it’s wednesday today’s wednesday knucklehead

tuesday tuesday whatever it is

that’s that’s a real

comic i don’t even know what fucking day it is

it was them too it’s always them

meanwhile they

were they were getting mad because we were talking

about them in the

flashlight we’re not allowed to talk

about them anymore

anyway so this fucking guy sent me this

this email back

i mean the first

email he sent me was

like really fucked up like just such a douchebag that

woman you bullied on youtube no

let’s just listen to this

this woman is

an ass but joe rogan looks like a typical dude who

would be on jersey

shore pushing and

punching bullying

woman physically

i didn’t bully her i told her not to

touch my face

she touched my face and i pushed her hand away from me

wow dude you’re so

tough man what a

funny faggot

you are talk

about mommy issues christ

how do you live each day being such a miserable bitch

typical low file pig

only other short ugly miserable potheads with it now

think all this fucking energy and this keeps

going on and on and on and on

uneducated piece of

trash instead of telling us

that you wish the president

would take mushroom trips try living life without

smoking joints you pothead burnout fucking dumb dumb

so this is obviously someone has been to my show

because i say the president

should take mushrooms

said that my ex so this is

obviously probably some heckler

probably some dude who got jacked at one of the shows

and then i sent him some message i

think i sent him something like

i said that

this is what i said

if that’s what you got out of the

video then you deserve to be the type of person that

writes such a retarded email

you have created

your own reality and it sucks to be you kisses so

that’s what i said to him

i don’t know why i did it because i shouldn’t have

because when you do that

what happens is you create

a fucking battle you

know for no reason so this fucking guy

writes this thing

that’s like paragraphs long

you’re the typical jersey

shore hostile

short dude you’d

like to believe you are different because you move to

plastic land with the fakes but

it just goes on and on and on and it’s so fucking sad

and i look at

stuff like that i say

here’s a guy

that obviously

not a happy person there’s no way he’s

successful michael george is not sitting around you

stream you know writing

letters like this or

on youtube or whatever

these are all

michael jordan yeah

you know what

i’m saying there’s no winners out there doing

donald trump’s not getting on fucking

myspace and

shit not bands your band sucks you guys are faggots

you know it’s always some fucking zero

but the amount of hate that someone

would generate

and all of it comes from them not being

happy with who they are all of it 100

if they want to put out that much energy you

could have dislike for someone

you could disagree with someone but

you spill out so much vile and it’s

about something that had nothing to do with you

what you’re

doing is finding someone who you don’t like to

compare yourself to

their got something

that makes you uncomfortable whether it’s success

or looks or money or

whatever the fuck it is you know they’re

doing something you don’t that you wish you were doing

you know they

are getting

attention you wishing you were getting that’s all it is

so you have to

treat them instead of like

human beings

you have to

treat them like

these little

aberrations little blips of energy and you got to

learn from them

so when you see some douchebag

that like chimes in and says something fucked up

the way you have to look at

these people in is almost like

these sad little creatures

like trapped in

like a jail of

their own choosing

you know so

don’t respond to

these fuckers

yeah i just got

what were we talking

about yeah no

that’s the weep for you

i got an email

a few days ago that

literally said

you know i just saw your special in comedy central

you were one of those guys

where your parents must have told you you were funny

even though you weren’t

and then he goes on to say you know you you suck

you’re not funny you’d

maybe make a good weather guy blah blah blah

so then i saw that that’s actually kind of

funny you might

maybe make a

good weather

guy i’m not saying this

you suck as a comic but

i believe you if you said a

storm front was coming in

but then i was like at

first i got mad and wanted to respond the guy

and then i went you know what how many

emails do i get from people that were like that was the

greatest show ever and i don’t even

think about responding exactly but that’s the problem

what’s that guy’s

focus like there’s not been

what like you do said one band that i’ve hated so much

that i went to

their website logged in and said i just

wanna let you

i never coming to see you no artist no writer no

comic no nothing

i’ve never i’ve

never done that to anybody

online that i did if i didn’t like

their stuff i didn’t like it

you know i might like comment on twitter i thought that

movie sucked you know but

but writing someone like some fucking horrible scathing

evil email like that that’s only and you know the

second you’d

reply to it

their heart would

because they were

excited oh and then it’s on

this guy that i told you that i sent that

email back he

wrote me fucking paragraph that

that douchebag probably spent

hours of that meanwhile she

probably unemployed

his life’s in fucking

shambles probably 12 years old and he pees himself

still and he has a computer and

he’s making fun of all of us that’s the problem i hate

i got in a fight with somebody the

other day and forth

and then i went

to his myspace page and it was like a kid

like he had pok

man as one of his favorites

and i’m like oh

my god i’m even wasting time

on this kid

yeah it’s possible it’s always possible that the little

teenagers but

the more important

thing is that what it is

is it’s not a person and you

think it’s a person because

you know like

in real life if someone did that to you it would

cause like a real situation

you’d be like wow there’s like some negative energy

going back and

forth between me and this person but you’re

not even making physical contact with that person

so you gotta

learn how to like not accept it

like when shit comes

in and it’s like anonymous shit on the internet you

gotta learn how to not accept that it’s a difficult

thing right

yeah it’s tricky this is probably the

trickiest thing

about being

in the you know

quote unquote public eye

you know is dealing with all the

losers all the fucking failures all the shitty

human beings

that just want to dump on people

and it’s easier

to dump on people if you do that all day then you

never have to look at what’s

going on with your own life

you were like i’ve had a busy day for sure i

wrote 10 bands that i hate and five

comics i can’t

stand wow this guy

i went to his

youtube page too

which is even more hilarious

cause it’s just

filled with

people shitting on him calling him an asshole

so i guess he just does this constantly just

fucks with people and

i thought it was it’s fascinating man it’s fascinating

that there’s people like that that for sure are fucking

losers not a single one of these guys

is successful

is doing what

they want to be doing because if they were they

would be concentrating on that i don’t have enough

energy out there to concentrate on some other shit

i don’t have any energy to go out there and try to

bring someone down for no reason

i don’t have it

i don’t have it to give

and if you have it to give

for sure you’re

missing something in your life abso fucking lutely

jesus listen

jesus i’ve been following a lot of christians

on the twitter lately

oh so this brings me back to r

kelly before

we went gay guys

gay guys big bear to r kelly okay

you fucking

have to see this r

kelly clip i

gotta show you this

video because

this is the best

piece of unintentional comedy

i’ve ever been a witness to

it’s r kelly

and it’s a video called

real talk and i

watched it i’m not bullshitting you man i watched it

fucking ten times yesterday

i’m gonna find it here

on your twitter

yep here it is

can um can i play it here how’s the volume

thing working i’ll do the volume thing on this computer

okay here we go

it’s on my twitter

you’re not even on my twitter faggot

yeah now you are i had to mute the other thing

oh my god you’re fucking ridiculous scroll down right

right there

scroll jesus christ can you fucking read

scroll down all the way man no it’s

damn you freaked out

i watched some

link that you hit yesterday but some guy in coal

i watch the

whole thing okay

crank this up

i think it’s a great song you know this is r kelly

who is my favorite

unintentional black comedian how real she

gets when you argue with your girl and shit you gotta

so i did it on youtube

i’m gonna do this shit for y’all on youtube

real talk behind the

scenes is what it’s called on youtube

now what it is is r kelly having an argument with his

chick and he turned it into a song

it’s a just a conversation with him and his chick

they love real talk

this is a motherfucker calm down

i was at a club with who

get the fuck man you know what

i’m not about to sit up here and argue with you

about who’s the blame

or call no names real talk see girl

only thing i’m trying to establish what you establish

meanwhile while he’s talking someone’s braiding

did she say there were other guys there but

how the fuck she knew i was with the mother

i love how there’s no singing during that

point because he’s got this intelligent point to make

do what other guys

he’s got a fucking rock solid excuse listen

i don’t know why you fuck with all them jealous

no man having assholes anyway

does it have to do with if he was out with


when they don’t eat with us listen to this

what they eat don’t make a shit

this is my favorite part

right here right here

fuck one of your funky ass

probably already doing that shit anyway

you gonna burn what look at this bitch i wish you

did he he is

okay shut it off he’s singing

that’s the end of it

and there’s like a fake

fight afterwards he’s singing through a ghetto argument

with his girl and he’s singing like with passion

and i wish you

would buy my motherfucking clothes real talk

everybody listening next time you

fight with your girl you have to just

throw the word real talk

into the conversation

oh my god that’s good

he likes he likes to pee on girls too

which is funny thinking is that

true though

yes do you saw you did not see the

video listen did he not get acquitted you don’t listen

son i’ve seen the

video you best you best watch a motherfucker he was

wearing real

talk real talk

he got his jacket and

got it bedazzled at the mall did you see that he had

those little

jewels he put on cell

phones all over

his i don’t know why you’re hanging out with all them

no man having assholes anyway we’ll talk

i want to see

him and easy e deep kiss what are you talking

about he’s fucking awesome

he is a dude out there

working for you

okay that guy is

providing you on


you don’t look

you might not like him you

might think he’s

stupid but that was goddamn

entertaining for all the

wrong reasons

but i was goddamn

entertained that easily

could have been a

sketch on the chappelle show oh it was awesome

the wrong reasons yeah i like his road of thought

though when the girls like you were out with the

girls hey didn’t i buy you something yesterday right

you’re happy then

right so wait

happy then didn’t

i love the fucking

pause where there’s no music

did she say there were

other guys there

did she say there were

other guys there

i wish he would burn my

clothes i wish he

would and it

sounds like he said he was gonna

shoot her then bailed they were like

i mean something bad’s

gonna happen to you what they eat don’t make a shit

that’s a song

that’s genius

shit but you know you could say that this

idiot this moron but listen that guy is giving

massive amounts of unintentional comedy

yeah you know

he’s always been

great yeah he’s always been

great dude yeah i love him hilarious

fucking hilarious trapped in the

closet was one of the best ever it was like what

seven parts or something like that more than that like

twenty four parts so fucking dvd dude

i got a dvd of it it might be a two fucking dvd set i

wanna watch that in three d

yeah um i watch this

all day yesterday i just kept

watching it over and over and over again i

literally watched it ten times that’s awesome real talk

it’s genius

genius shit

anyway back to

britney murphy’s husband died isn’t that ridiculous and

crazy never figured that guy would be out there jogging

i mean was it a heart attack or drugs drugs

yeah that’s what they’re saying hmm

i mean it ain’t wheatgrass

juice that killed that fat fuck

i mean look at them

everybody was wondering why how that

related equinox

you want to want the protein

drink or do

you want to

look at it you see a guy who’s that fucking fat with a

movie star hottie for a wife

and she’s got a drug problem well that’s

where fucking

drugs are coming from they’re coming from the fat guy

i mean it doesn’t take sherlock

holmes to figure that one out that’s pretty simple yeah

man that’s a big problem out here isn’t it


drugs drugs are a huge problem in hollywood

and prescription drugs are the most

the biggest one that’s the one that

doesn’t get talked

about everybody’s on pills

i can’t tell you how many times someone has offered me

oxys people have offered me vicodins

people have offered me xanaxes just offering them

like you want some gum

hey you want a vicodin

you want a prescription drug you want some

oxys fucking

oxys man people are giving out heroin

if anyone’s giving out any nexium

let me know that’s stomach acid

medication i’m trying to get it’s

scary dude it’s scary

bringing human beings into this

world knowing that it’s just

gonna get more and more fucking crazy so

baby rogue at number two was just born the other day

and this is the craziest part of the

birth process

the birth process is totally normal you know

it’s all great and everything baby comes out beautiful

everything’s healthy everyone’s happy but

when a chick gives

birth to a baby and the baby comes out of her

pussy it tears her taint

it tears the line between the butthole and the vajayjay

and they have to sew the

tainted love

so the baby comes out okay

and the doctor has the baby i cut the cord

everything’s happy

we take the baby the baby goes

to the incubator

where they have to you know

clean it up and all that jazz

so while this is all happening the doctor

starts stitching okay

my wife is holding the baby okay

my wife’s holding the baby and she’s so

happy but she had an epidural

so she’s numb from the waist down

so she’s got this epidural

she’s not feeling shit and she’s

happy and smiley

she’s holding the baby meanwhile

her legs are up in the stirrups

and her vagina is a fucking scene from hellraiser

this dude is just hooks

and pulling

and hooks and pulling

just fish hooks

just digging into me and it’s not like one or two times

he’s fucking getting

in there he wants to tighten that shit up for me

and you pay him

extra for a couple more stitches oh

no he’s doing

he’s that’s like an old joke between men you know

hey doctor is a

twenty but a couple

extra stitches in that way

but no dude he is just

digging in but it was so surreal

watching the

scene because

on one hand here’s my wife

with this new baby

and she’s super

excited and there’s so much love in the air

and the baby’s

crying and nestling up with her

and there’s tears coming down her face and she’s so

happy and this huge

smile and then

three feet below that

is a fucking horror movie

i mean they’re just hooks

hooks hooks

wow yeah dude and then she has to wear a diaper

because you know

it’s all it’s

blood and the

whole area is a mess so she’s got these

crazy granny panties on

with this big

like giant super maxi

pad diaper type

thing stuffed

nice to her pussy

are we doing this now we’re

gonna sit back i feel very uncomfortable now i feel

more comfortable now doing this out of perspective

but you’re supposed to

everything i’ve read nothing i

would know but

you’re supposed to

never look right as it is why do you say that

i looked the

first time that’s

gonna haunt you

no it did not

blow the curtain

didn’t bother me at all

really that

first time no i mean

it’s natural man it’s part of life did

those stitches

come out by themselves or did they have to get yeah

that thing might be that what’s that who passes out

cause even you telling that story

it’s why i lean back i’m like

it’s real shit dude yeah

i might pass out for myself i’ve seen a lot of

trauma you know i thought

about that the

other day like

you know like

a fireman or a policeman they’ve seen way more

trauma than

right you know

they see a lot more

crazy shit than i do

but compared to the average person

i mean almost

every week i see somebody get

fucking senseless

i like like almost

every week i’m so oblivious to that

like when i see like

fights break out at clubs or something like that

i mean i always get like

i might want to get the fuck out of here but

i never get

uncomfortable i’m like

i see this all the time

like i’m always seeing

broken bones and

giant fucking facial gashes and

blood everywhere

so i’m watching this with this

clinical disconnect

well this guy is

digging fucking

hooks it’s like pinhead

what was the one where the

skin was stretched back that’s what it’s like just

and he’s going in there and he and

he had to change hooks at one time to get a bigger hook

to go deeper

cause they do levels

cause the whole

taint is is like ripped apart

and the fucking baby’s got my head

big fucking head baby

and this fucking

and it just rips just tears open

yeah dude it’s extreme shit and then

after the baby’s out

they pull this placenta bag out

and the placenta

bag this is

where the baby you know this is the sack

where the baby was living you know

inside to eat

no they pull it out do

they pull it out and it’s like

it’s like an alien

it’s like some

alien creatures like an

octopus was living in people you girls

push it yeah

yeah they cook it up

very strange yeah yeah they fry it with eggs

they fry it rather like eggs i keep doing that

which is probably very annoying

it’s what what you talk

bananas was something i couldn’t stop saying the

other day sometimes i got a word in

my head like that is fucking bananas and it just gets

stuck and it got

stuck for like the

whole two hour podcast

so anyway my advice to you

is don’t look below the curtain you should look

you should look you

should know what the fuck is going on

you gotta be able to handle it as a

human as a man especially

well there’s nothing like that you ever prepared for

you know so

i mean i could probably watch

fights all day

long well you you have a stepdaughter you ever thought

about shooting a live one into the missus and making a

making a real one

we’ve never not

tried but obviously

you know so you have

tried yeah but

never not you

know but you’ve been trying to have a baby this

whole time you with her but

what five years now

wow you want i don’t know how but then i’m like well i

travel all the time and then i hear you you’re

knocking them out

everything are you are you

on i do are you no i don’t i don’t think i

travel when you do

um are you um

getting your balls

checked right now i went

got got that

thing whatever the number is it’s like

twenty two million is average like i had like

i was in the sixties or

seventies so you’re good

yeah so she’s got a broken box

or something or i’m

never home that i don’t

understand cause then i

watch like the

have you ever fucked her

thirty days in a row

no whoa welcome to

marriage ladies and gentlemen no all you

people out there fucking

girlfriend three times a day

i think that you like man i

wouldn’t change if i got married

yeah it would yeah you’re gonna

you’re gonna stop fucking your wife so hard

on the road like

for me somebody wednesday through sunday

you know some months are less than others but let’s

say bitch i’m on the road

this is real talk

how the fuck you

expect me get you pregnant when i’m in mississippi

how much do you think it feels

talk free sperm

it’s a lot do you want to freeze your loads i’m

thinking lately

if everything adds up why not just free

sperm get your shit

snipped and then

not have to

worry what if your fucking

sperm gets all thawed out one day yeah power out

fuck what if you put

it in two separate locations like mom’s fridge in ohio

and then some science lab in

california hmm

okay i guess you

could do that

mom’s fridge

i’d rather free stem

cells you’re

gonna make some retired baby son

mom’s fridge was shitty

it wasn’t totally frozen you’re

gonna have some half life tell

my kid he smells like otter

pops i used to have a joke about that

there was a

group that was trying to take

it was called the

second coming project

they were trying to take

dna from the shroud of turin

you know the shroud of

turin is supposed to be the

cloth that covered jesus

and they were

gonna take dna from the shroud of

turin and do a

clone of jesus

they’re gonna make a clone

and give birth this

clone baby and that

would be the

messiah they

would bring

jesus back to life with technology

and i was like that’s all well and good but the

technology behind cloning has not been perfected yet

i mean like when they made dolly the

sheep dolly’s fucking dead

you know and there’s a lot of

things that

they make that come out all fucked up and they die

like what if they made a retarded

jesus like that was the joke

like if jesus came back and they gave

birth to him but he had down syndrome

like would they

still follow him he just wants to go bowling and the

joke the joke was like he’s the messiah

dude he’s fucking shit in his pants he’s drooling

over something

it might be a test

it might be a test

bring that joke back

yeah instead of turning

water into wine

he would turn like cat shit into cookies

i like the cookies yeah

drool’s all

over his cookies make sure nobody else eats them

so he’s the messiah

that’s good instead of

crosses everybody be wearing helmets

look man if there was really if they really

knew for sure that they had something that had the

blood of christ on it and they knew

that there was some technology

i guarantee you there’s be some wackos that

would be convinced that that

would be the way that

jesus would be coming back

is like they were supposed to do it and that is how

you know it’s through

technology that the the christ

manifests itself

in this in this dimension and this this time and era

there’s a lot of people that believe that there’s

i’m following some guys on twitter right now

some creationists

my fucking god

their arguments are scary

i’m just listen to them talk

about these

i’m following dudes that

think the earth is ten thousand years old

and they get in arguments all day with people

their entire day is consisted of

consists of

arguing with people

about the origins of the earth

about how old the

earth is and

about how complex cells are

and how these

things would be impossible to create

just random

guy i love people

like that that’s when you jump on and go yeah

jesus was an operating

system and you just fuck with him you know

go crazy and just

troll with him and act like you’re being serious

to piss him off do you

i don’t act like i’m being serious i don’t i don’t

troll them either most of the time i just read it

i like i like listening to people

when they have the real arguments when they get really

angry like really go back and forth with each other

about shit that

you don’t have a goddamn clue

about like you’re telling me that the

human eye is

too complex so that’s why there’s a god like really

for real that’s

their argument

what a nutty ass fucking argument

that it’s too complicated for my

stupid ass i don’t

understand how it works

so there must be a god meanwhile they just created the

first artificial cell

have you did you read about that

they made a

synthetic cell

they made the very

first synthetic cell

which is the the beginning of us creating life

which is what supposedly god did

look if human beings evolved

if we’re at right now

if we live and manage

not to blow ourselves up or hit peak oil or whatever

and 100 million years from now we’re still here

how much more fucking advanced are we

gonna be than we are right now

what we can do

right now if we can make an artificial cell right now

if we can put

satellites into orbit

transmit data

wirelessly across the entire planet instantly

what kind of insane

innovations are we

going to have a million years from now

10 million years

100 million years

we’ll be undiscernable from gods we’ll be able

to create our own universes we’ll be able to literally

create our own dimensions our own universes

there will be scientists that figure out ways to

break boundaries

through this

world and into the next

fucking wormholes through

space and time all that shit is

gonna happen

you know all that shit is on the way a hundred percent

so how the fuck do you know that that’s not what

there’s there’s a lot of scientists that

absolutely believe that the universe

that we live in may very well be just some sort of

model that’s being run by some

super intelligent being

hmm that we literally

we are we are running inside like some sort of a

system those scientists love smoking pot

most scientists do

dude carl sagan

was a huge pothead

why would you not be a pothead if you’re a scientist

scientists are supposed to be

thinking around

sitting around

thinking about cool shit

right right why

would you not want to be high when you’re

thinking about cool shit

like if you watch a

space documentary

space documentaries are my favorite

things to watch

i love watching

space documents

cause it just

they just put it all in perspective like

sometimes you have to

watch them two or

three times to really get what they’re saying

cause it’s so fucked up

but when you

watch them sober they’re not nearly as interesting

when you watch them high on weed

we never tried on weed

if you do it on

smoking pot

watches big documentaries

you know carl sagan

used to smoke weed

every fucking day

carl sagans

thing was he

would smoke pot and that’s

where we get his ideas from

i mean he wrote

about my signature on the broken

board is all carl sagan

is that you

yeah my problem though with

watching these documentaries like you just had me

watch a documentary the

other day yes

collapse collapse and my problem with

these documentaries is it just takes one little

thing for me to just get thrown off the

tracks and believe in belief you know

well you don’t have to believe in documentaries i don’t

i don’t believe most the documentaries i i listen to or

watch what i do is i just try to see

even if this guy’s wrong

about a lot of shit

does he have

points because i know a lot of people who are

wrong about a lot of shit but

every now and then they’ll say something

like okay here’s a perfect example alex jones

alex jones is not

right all the time he’s just not

some of the

stuff that he believes is fucking crazy

and i don’t

understand it i listen to him

and i see the

connections that he’s making when he says that

he’s got proof and

we have the documents

and alex is a friend of mine and i love the guy

but i listen to his

connections and i’m like this is illogical this is your

you want to come to this

conclusion and that’s how you

found it but

every now and

then more than

every now and

then a lot he’ll say shit that i know is right

i mean it’s just facts yeah but the problem is a lot of

these people are

using how they present

these facts

quote unquote

is almost like

a used car salesman trying to sell you you know

jelly beans

it’s like like this guy last

night he was saying

things and i used car

spells in nineteen forty yeah

boy that car sales was trying to fuck you

well what they sell you a car buddy

like like i was having a problem with the documentary

i watched last night because

he was saying a lot of things i’m like that

is that really true

like how he said i was kind of like

he said that

weird does that mean it’s not true or not okay and then

i researched it last night and he

actually that’s

known for that guy

for saying things like

a news report had something on about say oil

that he would say

even fox news has reported on it you know

and how he’s saying it gives you the

impression that they were

right about what

they reported

on but they’re not they just reported on it but

he says it’s so fast kind of like a used car salesman

that you’re kind of just subconsciously

going oh no the news reported on it you know

he’s a very compelling

speaker and what we’re talking

about is the michael rupert

movie and it’s called collapse

and what it’s all

about it’s about peak oil

and it’s all

about how the

world is gonna fall

apart because they’re

gonna run out of oil

and will have no way to get goods

to people and groceries and shit and there’d

be no way to get around we can’t manufacture anything

cause everything’s made with plastic

and another

thing like so i was

thinking this the

whole time while i’m

watching the documentary then he said something i

blatantly knew he was lying on

and i’m like you blatantly knew blatantly knew

he was blatantly

lie if i put that word in

front of it sounds

more important so

he said that cell phone

companies have been

slipping on maintenance of their

towers at all time high and that

all the cell

phone towers

are not getting maintenance

did he say that yes and that pretty soon we are

going to have even

worse cell phone coverage

i know for a fact that

right now at amp

t verizon and

everything are on so on top of

their game when it comes to cell

phone towers

and maintenance and repairs and

building their

systems up at

the highest they’ve ever been in

and i have an app on my iphone called at amp

t mark the spot

every time i get a

dropped call or i have problems with my service

it automatically geotags

the location that you’re at and it sends it to at amp

t so they have it on

their file so they know where the

towers are doing bad

i’ve been doing that ever

since the app came out the

other day they sent me an

email to our text message out of the blue going

hey just so you know

we’ve been getting all your reports and

thank you because of your reports we’ve decided to

build a new tower

by your house

it will be in

effect in the next two months

thank you for

continuing to

use this application it really helps us out a lot

and so right there i can tell you

right now that’s

something they didn’t do five years ago on at amp

t’s network

you know i was having bad servers there five years ago

i’m screwed

i know for a fact that that statement

alone that he made in that documentary was bullshit

so that means

everything else

that he’s doing when he’s crying and petting his dog

and acting like

some kind of

faggot i know i

can’t believe

anything that guy says well it gets even better

here’s where it gets better

first of all why you gay

if you pet your dog

first of all he was

he lost a sexual harassment suit

125 000 dollars and whatever back wages so it

would be like

127 000 dollars

from some woman who was working for him he

made a sexual advance and showed up at the door in his

underwear that was like his move and

she freaked

out and she’s like i don’t want any part of this

so she got rid of him

or she you know told him she’s not

gonna fuck him and he fired her

and so she sued and she won

she won 125 000

so this guy’s you know

fucked financially because of that

but the type of person that does that

that first of all

tries to fuck

their employees

at like 50 something years

old alright this ain’t a 20 year old kid who just like

taking a wild chance

somebody gives them

some shitty advice

like maybe you

should just whip your dick out really you sure

i’ve know i’ve

given people that advice before

and you fucking hear from

their friends you know

the next day dude what

the fuck you told me to pull my dick out she fucking

screamed and

called the cops and like whoa you

gotta know when to pull your dick out

you can’t just pull it out with everybody you

crazy fuck that

was a move that my roommates in college always did i

never had the

guts to do it but they said if the girl won’t

hook up with you like you’re making out you’re on the

thing just pull it out and

start beating off yeah and that she’s

gonna do two

things she’s either gonna one

going to help you or two be so offended and leave but

you kind of

swing in for that

other 50 you

gotta take a chance

you gotta know who you’re taking the chance with though

right and you don’t do it with a

chick who’s fucking working for you like this

crazy asshole

yeah another

thing about the movie that

drove me nuts was him

talking about how

he just likes to

go on long walks

with his dogs like dude you just talked

about the end of fucking

civilization people are

gonna starve to death

an hour and a half why are you telling

cigarettes yeah

while you’re smoking

cigarettes like a retard

that’s another

thing i was

gonna get into that too

look you might be intelligent and

smoke cigarettes but that is a fucking

stupid thing to do smoking cigarettes

is something that everyone with a

brain should figure

out and we should

get when you’re talking

about the end of the

world and yeah

you’re talking

about the end of

civilization people are

gonna suffer meanwhile

dude you’re

gonna rot out the inside real soon

you’re in your 50s and you’re fucking

chain smoking

while you talk

right you’re giving this doom and gloom lecture

and he’s got his dog comes over to him

and he’s like

i just like to go on walks with my dog like

this motherfuckers like a character in a movie

he’s like a character in a jack london book

you know is

like the man who knows

about it and

all he does he goes on walks he’s not blogging

about it anymore he’s not writing

he’s just preparing for the collapse like

so i saw that and i’m like this guy

is all doom and gloom and has a vested interest

the other thing that i didn’t like is

how much pride he took in being

right about

past things that fucked up

oh we were so

right we so nailed my

cream listen

douchebag a lot of people saw the fucking housing

bubble asshole a lot of people saw that there was

gonna be an economic collapse

you’re not the only person that

predicted the fucking

stock market was

gonna crash

because of an over inflated housing market

because of all the fucking

the interest that’s out there

right now that people can’t pay off and

crazy fucking credit card debt and all sorts of

bullshit that’s

going on wall street

a lot of people knew that was

happening just

imagine the shit that cut from that interview you know

there was probably one time where he

started taking off his

clothes and asking for massages from the camera guy and

stuff there was probably all like a

ton of shit that he was saying

that was brian

you think you’re

just getting out

of line i’m just saying that guy was

i could just

could not believe

a word that dude was saying there’s something

about it something

about and then

so i go on i

go okay now i have to find out is peak oil a real

thing is there some debate

of whether peak oils real thing

so i go online and i see this

geologist has a

peak oil by the

way for what people don’t know a peak oil is the

point of oil

whereas the top

like the highest amount of oil we’ll ever have

in this country or in the world

so once we’re at

production it reaches a peak and then it declines

so there will be less and less oil

and they’ll get to a

point eventually

where we’ll run out of oil

until we can make oil

yes well what this guy was saying in the ted

talk and ted

if you don’t know i don’t remember what the acronym ted

stands for but the the

ted talks online are all

these like super


geniuses to talk

man fucking

get lost on there and they talk talking

about different different subjects and one of them last

night was a guy

it was talking

about oil and

the fucking trillions and trillions of barrels of oil

that we have discovered all over the world

and that geologists know exactly

where it is

and that we just have to

figure out ways to get it from all

these different

places so i’m listening to this guy

and he’s like

we’re not going to run out of oil what we’re

gonna do is

eventually we’re

gonna come up with something that can replace oil and

his argument was kind of

weird too he said the

stone age did not end because we ran out of

stones yeah

i thought that was kind of

okay yeah i see what you’re saying but

that’s fucking dumb of course with

stones don’t

power anything stupid

you know like you know you know i’m saying

like stones

using to make

things okay yeah i see your

point but look this a lot more complicated

scenario going on with our

we require oil for everything

for fucking food

we require oil for vitamins we require oil for

medicine to a point

but you also you’re getting a lot of that from that

drama queen no no i’m

getting that

from ground

you don’t need oil

oh brian yeah you do

what what the fuck is

gonna power the tractors what

no no no no to you

i’m in my backyard

planting a okay you’re

gonna go are you

gonna order

this somewhere i’m

gonna get on a fucking donkey

and travel somewhere

you have to take into account

shipping you have to take into account

travel you have to take into account

where does everything you buy come from and what is

everything you’re buying made out of

and the seeds you’re gonna buy

most likely are

gonna be in some fucking packaging even if it’s

paper it’s gonna have

paint on the package that

paint’s gonna be made out of oil all

right to a point

but what if you have that’s a big

point dude well no

no also the

point is all

right oil is gone

today all right no oil left

all right i also

could just go to my mom

hey mom do you have a seed yeah i have a

whole box of seeds over there

can i have them okay

let me take

these seeds in my backyard and

plant and how you

fuck you gonna get to your mom’s

house in ohio if you know

i’m just saying if she

lived next to me

well what if she

doesn’t mean

you got no oil

son you get what i said you

know you’re

ridiculous all right

i jump on a bicycle

and my mom go to ohio

right and what do you

think makes the tires of

that bicycle

five months what makes the tires on the bicycle

what if you

have my tires

got my tires what if they’re

blown out in my

story there’s no

more tires left

and they’re

blown out then i’ll use my feet and i’ll walk there

it’s gonna take two years

get some fucking you’re

gonna starve to

death because there’s

gonna be no food i’m

gonna travel

to get that food to you

with with trucks

look dude and you know

well that’s the problem

it’s this argument

about ethanols that it takes more energy to create

ethanol than you

get out of it says one report out of 5 000 reports

that well you didn’t research that yes i did

i went on last night to wikipedia

cause i researched this for fucking

wikipedia it’s completely i was up till 5 am last

night researching this dumbass

from this stupid movie

michael you think michael rupert is a dumbass

he’s being evicted by

his own apartment

i know retards that are not getting

evicted from their own

apartment and this

guy i’m supposed to believe in he’s getting evicted

they said during the filming of this

movie he was getting evicted

oh really you’re getting

evicted wow

my sister can’t even get

evicted and she

makes like five

bucks a day you know

yeah but he’s not making any

money he’s trying to warn the

world he’s out there saying oh that’s

why he’s falling

this guy’s the

second dvd he’s making

doesn’t have a website isn’t he going

nationwide and having

speeches at holiday inns

oh the ends where you going i mean

does he have like big conferences that he does

speak well he’s doing them now because of the

movie the movie is getting a lot of attention

before that he did that too

yeah but nobody was paying attention to him back then i

think brian has an oil company i

just yeah brian

does not like him a guy

look well i

think a check

i think for sure

for sure we ratted

out to our country man

what what did you say just kidding

what did you say there ratted out our country ratted

out our country

he’s the one that

ratted out what

cia for doing in drugs and stuff

yeah he was an lapd officer

and he busted the michael rupert

and he busted the cia

delivering drugs to the poor neighborhoods

which is fucking

absolutely true

which is another

thing like we were talking

about like the alex

jones thing

like the alex

jones thing

where there’s a guy who’s

right about some shit

you know and he’s

right about that and he was

right about the cia delivering drugs into

these bad neighborhoods and selling drugs

i mean that was like a

rumor back then

but that shit has been proven now i mean there’s

there’s so many different cases

where so many different like

barry seals in mina arkansas

that’s a good one there’s

people who are

pilots that have come

clean about it

there’s the cia

drug plane that

crashed in mexico last year with

four tons of cocaine in it i mean it’s

it’s a lot of fucking

money man it’s a lot of

money and if they’re willing to go

places and kill people you don’t

think they’re willing to sell drugs that’s ridiculous

the people that are

in charge of the government the people at the highest

levels of government have access to

all sorts of shit that we don’t and

the fact that there’s billions and

billions of dollars to be made in drugs and that drugs

those drugs are

gonna get sold anyway you know

why wouldn’t they sell them

so he’s right about that

he’s definitely

right about that

but this peak oil thing man

he’s all doom and gloom

and the end of the world and

no won’t note there’s nothing that’s

gonna possibly replace it

can you fucking say that

can you say that

yeah that well that guy in that

ted conference was talking about that

we used to use wood

but then we got used font

technology yeah we read that you saw the same

yes so that

would now there used to be a way for us to have

energy now that’s gone and now we move to this and then

right and then we

learned from that and then we move on to the next thing

so he was saying that what natural gas

and some other type of stuff that

the problem is man we make so much

shit with oil

it’s fucking insane

everything in this room

is made with oil your goddamn computers made with oil

everything is made

with oil isn’t there a way to make it

with oil for the most part i don’t know i

think there has to be

there has to be like

well yes making with oil is the best way

but you can also make it with corn

well maybe but i mean

think about all the oil that’s coming out in the gulf

right now 75 000 barrels a day i don’t know how many

gallons is that how many gallons is 75 000 barrels and

fucking insane insane amounts whatever the fuck it is

hundred thousand

who the fuck knows

so seventy five

to a hundred thousand gallons a day or barrels a day is

is leaking out into the

golf people are saying you can make plastic with hemp

yeah you can

i posted a thing

today on my twitter

about a hemp car from 1941

from henry ford

but i don’t know if you can make all the

shape the same shit that you can make with oil my

point is that

the amount of oil

that’s coming out just in that one area in the gulf is

insane think

about how long it

would take you to grow

that much hemp to make oil out of it

i mean it’s fucking incredible i mean you

would have to have a farm the size of the moon

you know you know

i mean this shit is just pouring out into the ocean

there’s not that enough weed to do that in the

whole world not yet not

yet how are you

gonna grow it you’re

gonna have to have skyscrapers like

sizes of like a hundred football

fields a hundred stories high

and each each

floor is hydroponics

i know in detroit

they’re thinking

about doing that

urban farming you know there’s so many

areas of detroit that there’s no homes anymore yeah

but that’s just

dirt i’m talking

about hydroponic

buildings yeah i’m talking

about gigantic fucking

buildings and even that

would not be enough weed

okay they mean think

about the oil that’s coming out of the ground right now

that’s an incredible amount of oil

when you go and you

drive down the pch you see

those offshore oil rigs

and you think

about how many of them must be out there in the

world how many different rigs

when you take that

drive from la

sienna get to the airport

you know that

drive you see

those oil rigs

you don’t think

about those

until some shit happens

and you go how many of

those are out there

how many of them are in

texas what is

those little

things those

things like

to do anything

they don’t seem like to do anything says the scientist

there’s like one little rackety

one that looks like an old farmer

mitt put up there a long time ago that

statement is how michael rupert is

gonna discredit you for discrediting him

this fool doesn’t even know that

those things

pump out thousands of barrels of gallons of oil a day

so joe i got an

email from somebody from

china that wanted us to talk

about the foxcon

suicides and if you knew anything about that

the foxcon suicide

there’s a huge company in

china that makes

called foxcon

and they make

everything like keyboard mice they make a lot

like ipods iphones they’re the ones that put together

all the computers and just

super cheap help

and foxconn i think

i want to say it’s

500 000 employees

work at it and they all live there

and they just work non stop i mean they’re talking

they wake up

work and go to bed and i

think they only get

eight hours

sleep and they go

right back to work and

anyways in the last

year i want to say or with this year

alone there’s already been 11 suicides i

think it was

and 30 attempted suicides

and i guess how many employees

i don’t know how many but

it’s a lot of employees

i would say

500 000 a lot of people trying to

kill themselves at work

i’m not sure there’s been people who

might want to have a

pizza party or something

you know on a friday you have that many people

your company

trying to kill themselves

maybe friday’s casual fun day

that’s the thing

shirt day about when it comes to like

cheap products and

cheap electronics i mean

there’s really

only one way to get a fucking netbook for 700 bucks

okay and that way is

some dude has to eat rice out of a little bowl and

sleep in a box

and he has to wake up to a whip

and fucking do it all over

again every day of the week and he

doesn’t get any days off

i mean that’s

the only way to make that shit you can’t make

that shit with

union american guys from detroit

you know it’s

gonna take too much time it’s

gonna cost too much money

one of the reasons why you can get a netbook for 600

bucks or however

i think they’re like 500

bucks right

yeah you can get them for 2 99 up really

that’s incredible

yeah but you can

get a little fucking computer for

29 but i mean when

you get on youtube you’re like oh that’s why it’s 2 99

yeah but so what dude think

about what you

could get just a few hundred

you know you know

for a few hundred dollars a couple of years ago yeah

i mean that’s a pretty incredible piece of

technology for 300

bucks i can’t

believe how much

stuff you can’t buy here i was trying to

find this company that makes scissors you know

those orange handled

junk drawer scissors that everybody has

right i was trying to find a us

based company

to make these scissors

right couldn’t do it

i’ve probably i’ve probably i’ve

given up look

googling it and trying to find

scissors manufacturers and all the

stuff it’s like

just huge and it’s just a pair of scissors

go to michael’s

you gotta go to arts and

crafts yeah

those are actually arts and crafts

is your son gonna

get on amazon

com no i know i can buy them i want to find a

place that will

produce them for

you just went

yeah yeah i mean

like different not just purchase that just went to the

wrong store dude

talking about people fucking dying

i see what he’s

saying he’s saying he wants to find a manufacturer

no but i’m saying

i can’t even find that here that everyone i

found is overseas this is

no one no one has

time here to be making scissors

we’re fucking how are we

gonna cut the trees

going to war and clogging up that hole in the

gulf that’s pumping out oil we ain’t got no

time is made

little faggy scissors with the rounded tips you little

pussy so it’s crazy about this foxcon

thing the more that’s insane the more i looked into it

right so for one thing they only get 900

chinese yen

per month which is about

130 what our

are things and this is working non stop wait a minute

they get 130 dollars a month yeah

and holy shit i didn’t know

about this how did i not how was i not aware about this

and these guys are

these guys are employed

apple employees

them sony employees them all the big guys

actually i don’t

wanna say sony does cause i’m not 100 sure

but apple does but i know for sure that

apple does and

guards beating employees like there’s all these like

stories about this

place where they have live video of like

the guards at this

place beating up the employees on tape to

china’s a motherfucker dude

yeah china is a

motherfucker there’s a billion people there

and the bottom line

about human beings is once you get into really

large numbers of us

we lose our appreciation for each other

i mean it’s just

that’s how it is with rats that’s how it is with money

i mean if you have a lot of

money fucking you drop a dollar you don’t give a shit

about it but you have five dollars

you drop a dollar that dollar is important to you

right you know and

when there’s too many goddamn people

you get to a

point where there’s

a billion people there’s not enough food and you’re

literally regulating how many children people can have

because it’s so overpopulated

you know china has a billion people

there was a billion people in the entire fucking

world up until like a hundred years ago

you know do you know how nutty that is

just couple hundred

years ago there was no more than a billion in the

whole fucking world

now they’re all in

china and who knows what the real number is man and

we don’t really know what the real number in america is

we don’t i mean it’s how

difficult is it to take a census of a billion people

by the way the census guy hid in

his car and

stalked my house

what all right a couple weeks ago we were talking

about the census remember this

where i asked you do i have to do this

anyways so i came home the other

night and there was this guy outside of my

house looking

sketchy as fuck

and then i just kind of like get in the

house get in the

house get in the

house and then

later that night

maybe four hours

later i see him sitting

in his car outside of my

house i’m like there’s that same guy

and so i’m like

okay i’m just walking to my car and

suddenly he gets out of his car looks at me

and he gets back in his car

cause i got in my car

then i came back home he was

still there i go in my

house he rings my doorbell he was from the census

and did you

ask him hey why the fuck were you sitting in

front of my

house all day i didn’t i just answered his questions

and he showed me his

how often are you

done what’s a good time about his

yeah he asked me

he showed me a census

badge and he was asking all these

crazy questions

about people that

lived here april 1st

who lived here

april 1st i’m like

actually no one

and then they’re like are you okay

but he kind of made me feel like

i was in trouble in

trouble but i wasn’t

how ridiculous is that

do they have a

right to interview

it’s the law the law is they have a

right to interview

and ask you all

these questions

at their convenience

i don’t know but he was outside my

house to make a fucking


shouldn’t be able to ring your doorbell

so i got shit to do dude

you wanna give me your

email address i’ll call you

pretty freaky

give me your

email address and i’ll call you

i think they’re like headhunters now

i think in california

the response was so bad

that they actually hired


like private eye guys

get that i know

i filled mine out and then i got one a month

later saying

sorry you’re part of the section of

senses that we lost can you redo it

so they lost like

i filled that one

twice or some guy trying to steal my

identity and just

thought again anything government man anything

with the government the problem with it is you got a

bunch of people for the most part that are

working for the government that don’t want to be there

you know that’s the fucking problem with any of

those jobs this is even

worse cause

i valet the other day

i went to the

saddle ranch on

sunset and i vow

laid and i just got in the mail a parking

ticket when they

took my car they parked it in a red zone got a

ticket took the

ticket off the car

i got a ticket

i would never have

known about it

and i owe like 130 dollars now

wow you should go there

well i told the sour

ranch and they’re like we don’t own that valet

and i call the valet

guy and they’re like we don’t do that and i’m like ugh

so i filed out this

whole thing with the

state like a hey i didn’t do this

report it’s one of the most

annoying well you’re

still responsible

one of the most

annoying and

irritating things

about la is that you got a valet

everywhere i don’t like that

shit at all have some dude just farting in your car and

right going

through your drawers

yeah you ever

had anything come up missing all the time all the time

yeah i don’t i if i can

avoid valley

i never keep

shit in my car anymore i don’t have a goddamn

thing in there have gum

yeah you want to

steal my gum go

steal my gum they always take

quarters they

record like if i have a

quarters dimes and nickels i’ll go back in and the

quarters all

gone do you ask them no i stopped even bothering

wow where’s the cam

where’s the card cams don’t they have

where we can

just set it and we’ll take it to some ballets

and then we’ll sue him for

stealing our

stuff what do you

love fucking

inside edition yeah

yeah we’ll do

our own little

and then chris

matthew whatever his name is can pop up out of the back

accident ask you why you have

those quarters in your hand exit

what i was just

gonna help a kid

actually they did it there’s a really cool

video of you google nbc

los angeles valet car

something like that did something like that there’s

a really cool report they did they busted people oh

dude it was like

seven out of ten of them they took

things yeah

yeah it’s a

show on like i’d

watch that show i

watched some bait

car show the

other day where they have this

car that they set up to let people steal

and then once they

steal it they’re driving

it’s all cammed and then the guy can shut down the car

as you drive and unlock the guys in

i’ve seen that yeah so but do that with valets that

would be awesome

how about just have a fucking parking lot

you know most the

place where you go to you don’t have

fucking valley parking everywhere

it’s just la is like lacking in space

but everyone

drives it’s not like new york

where they’re lacking space but

you take a cab or the

subway or whatever

you know no one

drives new york very few people do

you know most of people to get around other ways

but in la everybody fucking

drives but there’s

still the same

space problem

you can’t have like an expensive restaurant and a

giant parking

structure there that’s too much money

you know i avoid

places if i can’t park my car

i just don’t go there

i don’t you know

it’s very rare

it has to be

like a meeting that i have to go to or have to valet

and i’m like


i’ll park blocks away and walk

just so someone

doesn’t have to sit in my fucking car

touch my shit

i went in my car once and there was mexican

music playing

i’m like you


you found a mexican station

you know he went

right to i mean i had it on

satellite radio he

switched to am

went right to his mexican station how long is he

driving for

you know what i mean yeah what the fuck exactly

yeah that’s a terrible part

about living in la

i remember there was a comedy club i used to work out

where you’d have to valet and

every time i come back i noticed my gas was completely

gone and it was in michigan so what the guy would do

he’d go well he’s just the mc

they would sit in my car

throughout the whole show

i keep warm

the heat on

wow and burn up all the gas

and then when

at the show is over then they give me my car back

wow you say something to him i said something to the

owner or whatever then i remember the guy who in the

place gave me ten bucks

and goes quit your wine and gave me a

wine and it was probably

about 19 years old

yeah quit your whining

i kept your

car running

i’ve been farting in your car been

sitting here doing whatever

smoking cigarettes

oh yeah probably

you know back then

sure and and the

other problem is if you have a nice car

and you drop your shit off at a valet look

they you know the people that are working in valets

they don’t have nice shit

you know and you have this i mean

they’re working they’re poor

they’re either

college kids are trying to buy

or their immigrants that are probably illegally

you know and they don’t have enough

money to afford a bmw or whatever

the fuck you have mercedes or something like that

so when they

get this car they almost feel like

like like who the fuck are you to have this you know

there’s a lot of people that have that attitude

a lot of poor people that have that attitude that

why the fuck do you deserve this attitude

i remember when i was a kid this guy keyed this car and

i go why the

fuck did you key that car was like a nice car

and he goes he gives a fuck guy’s a rich asshole

i’m like the guy’s a rich asshole

cause he has a nice car yeah

what a what a

weird attitude and that’s an attitude a lot of people

share there’s a big that that

mentality of like you know

screw the rich or the rich soccer

bubble while you’re like and then i always

think yes screw

those guys for

making goals

setting outcomes for themselves getting educations

i had a guy insult

me call me a rich asshole once

yeah but i was driving a fucking

but i was driving a fucking suburban

it wasn’t even like a rich car it was just a

white suburban

and the guy cut me off

and you know and and and somehow

another you know he he yelled something out the window

and i yell some go fuck yourself

he goes fuck

you you fucking rich asshole like that was his

that was that was a part of his insult that i was rich

yeah yeah what

about when somebody ran into your car recently

and they were like come on you have a lot of

money oh yeah yeah i paid for that dude

that girl’s broke

but the only reason why i did it was

cause she was an assistant to someone that i know who’s

an executive yeah but the fact

that she even said that yeah she goes you’re not even

gonna miss it i’m like

this is gonna cost like

three thousand

bucks to fix

yeah but she didn’t

have insurance it was a fucking disaster and she was

drunk you know i

should have got her arrested but

i’m like you shouldn’t be driving

drunk you fucking dumb slut

yeah by the way

i say things like that to people too by the way

when they hit your car

you can call them dumb sluts

kick ass was one of the best

movies i’ve ever seen told you

god i love that

movie fucking

phenomenal little girl

i just wanna like

i love how in the

movie they actually even said something like it like

i like how you went from someone scratches up your car

oh yeah direct

driving random

movie reviews by

brian redband i was just

thinking of her

i haven’t had macaroni and cheese in a while

out of nowhere

that’s what kind of tight ship we run over here

we stay on subject

yeah if you try

to like follow like a mind map of the subjects that we

cover on this fucking thing

stoners paradise of rambles

but i had a guy like that you know say something

about being rich or

whatever and it’s i

think a lot of people forget like well me for a comic

i was doing

stand up for

what fifteen sixteen years before i made any real

money it’s a dumb insult i did

yeah it’s a dumb insult you’re

successful at the game of money

that’s all that’s a dumb insult

you fucking successful

winner at the game of money

it’s the dumbest insult of all time

cause that’s all it is and

you might be

successful at the game of

money cause somebody gave you a

bunch of chips

you might have been born rich or you

might have made it yourself

but either way what the fuck kind of insult is that

and what the fuck is it with people

when they don’t have it and

other people do

i remember jimmy kimmel was talking to this lady once

he was on larry king live and he was talking to this

woman who had a

some sort of a service

where they would give you a map of the stars

houses and she

would like had

always a stalker website that’s what it was

and she would like they

would put up updates like this guy

is here and this guy’s there and you go like find out

where stalker is that what it is

stalker com

don’t give her any advertising fuck that cunt

anyway she she was on

and he said don’t you

think that this is kind of dangerous like you’re giving

stalkers the the the

the current

whereabouts of all

these people

and she goes oh

well they’ll be able to cry them

sleeps and piles of

cry themselves asleep in piles of money

like that was her

response to it like she didn’t feel responsible

even though she’s putting

these people in harm’s danger because they have money

and like she thought it was like a valid

thing to say like they’ll be able to cry themselves to

sleep in their piles of

money like wow

what a weird way of looking at the world

you know yeah i’m

gonna put you in danger

and you know

deal with it

because yeah you can deal with it you’ve got money

whoa really

and she felt

that you know

she felt like that’s a valid

valid explanation you know she felt like

you know there’s a lot of

angry people when it comes to celebrities

look at lindsay

lohan’s and

all the shit if that happened to anybody else they

would be in jail they love lindsay

with her they

show you know that

whole thing she didn’t go

to jail she has to wear this little bracelet you know

even though she’s

lying about a passport even though she’s lying

about all this shit so that’s why they’re mad

hmm was she was supposed to go to all

these drug and alcohol

classes and then

she missed her

court date yeah i know the

whole story who gives a fuck here’s

here’s what am i taking the

story she’s a little kid

little kid that got

famous and rich like little kid

that kidnapped

two other people that ran

from the cops

drunk driving was caught with cocaine

was you know like chicken

people yeah two people

how’d you kidnap them they were in the backseat and

wouldn’t stop

the car and she was out running from the cops

but they’re the ones that are suing

and it’s like it’s like

like all this like

crazy seven charges

but yeah she’s not seeing one you know

going to jail at all if that

would happen

to me i’ll be fucking in jail

still okay is that true or is it because the prison

systems in la are

super overcrowded you know that

right you know that they’re releasing violent prisoners

secretly like it’s a

they’re having like real problems

california is

completely broke i’ll give you

some insight

right yeah i’ll give you some inside info

this girl’s

not supposed to be doing any drugs or any alcohol

right now it’s

because she’s on probation

right i know you

gonna rat her out i am

gonna rat her out don’t rat around i’m

going to wrap her

up right now

say allegedly

don’t be a rat

brian all right

don’t you gonna get her locked in a cage

all right never mind

i won’t i won’t say anything

what do you know

do you know some shit yeah i know a lot of shit

she’s a little kid dude if you were

in that situation you’d be a hundred times worse okay

i will not talk

about her anymore i’m

sorry there you go

good for you

didn’t she get

famous when

she was like fucking 16 or something like that well

younger than that she’s been that

wacky friday or

freaky friday

where you played a twin

you know herself

so she’s a disney little kid she’s a disney girl wow

it’s gotta be

crazy man go from a disney

girl to a party slut


known party slut

jet setting ginger

wearing a fucking

alcohol bracelet

so how does she piss clean

i don’t drink that shit they buy the head shop

probably i piss

clean five times

you know and i i’m just like was a poor ohio guy and

how did you push

clean well otherwise

a couple ways there’s either the shit you

drink that’s like

gatorade that just dilutes

your test to you what company there’s a

few of them

is for different

different companies

one was gateway one was

i forget how hilarious is the

fucking pot

yeah test you for pot like you can’t even

smoke pot on the weekend if you work at gateway

like jesus fucking christ will you let me

enjoy my weekend

right i get off friday i’ve been

slinging shitty fucking computers for pennies

all week giving you most of my waking hours

and you won’t let me have a fucking joint on saturday

i can’t watch a

movie i can’t smoke a joint and go see avatar

really that you fucking cunt what was

great is this one place actually sold real urine

that you warm up and you

put in between your crotch so when you go to do the pee

thing it stays warm because

it’s in between your legs and it’s actually not your

urine and they get your urine like

congratulations you passed the test and you’re pregnant

right you may want to go see

what kind of piss are you

gonna get though how do you know it’s

clean piss i

guess you don’t

kevin randallman got busted with

non human urine

yeah it was either

synthetic urine

or it was urine from a dead person

because there was no hormones in the urine

like they they tested his

urine and like yeah yeah there’s no steroids

there’s no anything else either in here fucker

like with apple

juice yeah what is this shit

it was some

synthetic fucking fake

urine thing

that he got you know

i don’t know this person’s used the fake p

four times they said

hmm fake pee

yeah you can get well you know i

think it depends on the sophistication of the test but

some places they test your fucking hair dude

the little hair sample

yeah here they have shampoo for that

do they yep you just put the shampoo on before your

thing and it

kills all the th

senior have it does something

well i know nick diaz passes

those tests like a

motherfucker and he

smokes a lot of weed

and he passes i mean he’s got popped in i think

i think he got popped in vegas

when he beat go

me yeah that’s what it was he turned turned a positive

and they said that he had so much weed in his system

it was like he got high and then fought

he might have done that he says he didn’t but

you know he

smokes so much weed though

it’s probably in his

system all the time

he probably just forgot to take whatever he does to

clean himself out

you know i don’t know what you got to do

you gotta drink a lot of

water i know that

right i have a

buddy that is a medical

he does stuff with rats and cocaine

he doesn’t get drug tested

but it’s funny

because you’re around every day

rats and cocaine

you know there’s a big problem

with doctors and doctors getting addicted to drugs

there’s a book called dead doctors don’t lie

and it’s all about how

little information doctors know

about nutrition

how little information they’re

given in med

school about

nutrition and how many of

them wind up getting addicted to prescription drugs and

all the shit they can prescribe for themselves

fucking a lot man

you know you think

about how many doctors are out there and

their buddies with

other doctors

like i need a

script for this you

know hook me up and

i’ll hook you up with some xanax and

you just give it

is weird as one of the

medications i got for my stomach acid

was supposed

to be approved by insurance company because

it has to get specially approved because one of its

i things that happens when you take it

it makes you test positive for thc

what yeah it makes you test positive

for thc well you

should tell

the insurance

company that you have to test positive for thc

for your job i

know because

he works for me

and that’s what i require

i require a positive piss test

if he’s out

there you know making creative shit and making

videos and stuff

i don’t want i’m

not a little bit high

brian i like your sexy

businessman jacket it’s a new look with the

the new woman

is that what it is i had breakfast with

three women

last night really

breakfast with

three women last

night this morning

eating eggs and fucking at six

had six boobs

spinning the

night last night really you

three chicks over your house yeah

where they sleep

real talk real talk

didn’t i buy you and all your

girlfriend’s breakfast this morning real talk

didn’t you have

two other bitches over my house

sleeping real talk

wow so what’s the difference if i find two

other ones when i’m all by myself

brian what’s it like

going from zero to hero

very nice tell us tell us all

about it mmm

i don’t know did you ever

think from the days of living in ohio

that you would be in the predicament that you’re at now

can we even say what predicament you’re in now

see i’m in this i was in the same predicaments in ohio

not this one son for ohio

yeah the ratio

this thing we’re not judging shit

on a scale son

you don’t wanna talk

about it no

no okay we’re

gonna have to move on

ladies and gentlemen

this is a touchy subject from a man

i’m dating lindsay

lohan no he’s not

ladies and gentlemen if he was he

would definitely

not rat her out you’d have to be a serious cunt

to be dating lindsay lohan

and then try to rat her out

well i’m very mad at her

why would you be mad at her because i

think she cheated on me and cans what someone

in cans yeah

you think so

she got a new tattoo supposedly

as well yeah her new girlfriend that’s what i’m mad

about so i don’t care what you think wow

you funky ass friends real talk

that’s right the fan exposed this weekend huh

what’s the fan x oh the you the

ufc fan expo yeah this weekend is a big ufc

rampage versus rashad

that’s gonna be fucking nuts

that’s a that’s a sick fight

let’s go to the message board to joe rogan net

the forums and see what i said you were

the winner of season one last comic

series i fucked up but this guy sumo

he corrected

me happened so long ago he’s in the fact police

is this guy this is the kind of questions i get

weird motherfuckers

is it ignorant to attempt to

define the universe

in absolutes rather than referring to it as a

grand mystery

or rather the

effect the effort to try to define

or understand

the un understandable that dude has

smelly feet

yeah for sure

right un understandable

i’m not even

gonna answer it just

cause that you try to

sneak that through

you can’t you can’t have a

legitimate question and have un

understandable in that question real talk real

talk you can’t use it on in front of a word that’s

that shit doesn’t make any sense with an on

but yeah nobody can

define the fucking universe it’s ridiculous

we were trying we’re struggling it’s impossible

will this be the doom podcast

yeah this is the

the i reject your doom podcast that’s what it is

it’s not the doom podcast

watching that movie collapse and

i got nervous after i watch it and i thought

about it for a while and i was thinking

about it i was like

this is a trick

like you can think this way

you know and you can get all fucking flustered and

freaked out about the

world or you can just enjoy the shit out of this

you know this is some asshole that’s sitting around his

house saying that

his favorite thing to do is walk his dog on the beach

no it’s not the guy to listen to

right brian

lindsay shits her underwear so much

every time i find them in the bathroom she has

stains all over her

underwear she’s the first girl i’ve ever

you think that’s from drugs

you’re a twelve year old i was just

talking about you really are fucking twelve

you’re not banging lindsay lohan just shut your mouth

meanwhile his girls hotter than lindsay lohan

how ridiculous is that

that sounds like a ridiculous statement right

no she’s hot

that’s pretty easy she’s hotter my

ankles hotter than lindsay

lohan right whoa what are you talking

about you and banger fucking lindsay

lohan she’s a mess dude

you wouldn’t bang her

no really no

i’d rather befron likes messes

right don’t you you like crazy bitches don’t you

you like them when they’re all fucked up a little bit

right well i mean

when you’re

younger sure you know like some really fucked up

are you fear

are you fear like so suicide bitches

oh really yeah he likes

to talk about it

no suicide girls oh i get you

you know those girls with all those

crazy tattoos on their tits and shit like that

porn star lindsay or suicide girls

porn star suicide girls yeah those dirty bitches

there’s like bombshell mcgee looking girls

by the way that chicks on a fucking

cover of a magazine i was at

barnes and noble yesterday

and looking through the magazines and inked

the the magazine

right on the fucking cover

is that michelle bombshell mcgee that chick that fucked

yeah what’s his name

jesse james oh

she’s so hot right now dude she’s on the

cover of a fucking

magazine just for banging some guy who’s famous

that’s the inside of

gonna be a corresponding on extra

what yeah they hired her

like she does like okay

i’m reporting i’m here with the slut news yeah this is

the hire there

for real yeah

that’s great

is that really true

yeah holy shit man

wow that’s incredible

that is that is really incredible wow

that’s not a good

thing to do man

i think they did that before with somebody else i don’t

think that’s a good precedent to set you know

this is what i

think is gonna happen this is my prediction

that there’s gonna be a lot of

women who like

target like really high profile

married guys

you know like

you know like i

said that they’re gonna get you some attention

and that’s a big career move

you know look at all these chicks that fuck

tiger woods

if it wasn’t so many of them

there’s like

tiger woods bank so

many of them that it’s like they’re all you can’t keep

track of them

right they’re all like

i was tiger woods mistress

okay which one were you that yeah

star that yeah

i worked at the that

bagel hut you know i mean it’s like

you know you’re like

it’s it’s like there’s so many of them it’s it’s

i’m trying to think

about what is another

another example that’s like that you know

of that many yeah

it’s like it deludes it

either way it’s like there’s so many of them

if there was only one

chick that stood out like i know a couple names like

rachel you to tell

and jamie grubs

those are the names that i know

those are the only ones that i know

those girls get through but if there’s only one of them

that bitch would be

super fucking

famous right now

like that rachel yuchitel is pretty

famous cause she’s

first of all

she’s very pretty and she’s the one who didn’t talk

so there’s all

the speculation that she got paid off and gloria

all red is her attorney and all that jazz

so i think you know i

think chicks are looking

at this now like really fucking scandalous you know

nasty bitches

are looking at this is like a possible career path i

think a lot of them are right

well you see

like everyone who just got busted with that dude from

uh transformers the guy who came out

to fergie no

oh josh duha yeah he got a he got a lap dance from some

chick remember then she was on the new

scene he got a lap

dance with me it was touching my ass was like yeah

hilarious job is

to give a lap

dance and then not say anything

that’s what

that’s the job i thought she said she fucked him

or he tried or something yeah

i thought she said she fucked him

i think she said

you know who

you know anybody can say anything man that’s the thing

you know a guy could say he fucked you

unless you have a

videotape of all the time you’re with him it’s

like how the hell do you know you know it’s impossible

you know how do you feel

about the only

government intervention into the bp oil disaster

is telling the

people that we’re collecting here to put on

into hose and to use it to sop up the oil

that already come into the

marshes that they cannot use it

huh is that true

you know i don’t

think there’s a way to

clean up that oil man

they got a real real big problem

right now the surface of the oil

spill is the size of the

state of maryland

you know how bananas that is oops i said it

fuck that’s a

crazy thing man to have

a giant oil

slick the size of a

state and getting larger

i mean you could see that from a distant

satellite now

you know that’s terrifying

that they don’t know how to stop it

i mean it literally

might drain the entire 50 million barrels

that’s in that thing

that that that that reservoir

of oil that’s what the the

estimate is

fifty at litter

it’s funny they were talking

about straw the

other do the pressure

of that oil coming out

you know a mile

underwater however

fucking deep it is the pressure of that oil

pumping out like that

did to be able to contain it

you have to have some intense fucking machinery

you have to have some really

big time high pressure shit

and they never

planned for this they have no idea how they’re

gonna stop it they

literally have no idea

and when you hear

obama talking

about it on tv it’s

hilarious cause he’s just talking shit

he’s just saying

we’re gonna

clean it up

to blow it up

what’s that

gonna do make more oil

so more oils

gonna come out man

cave in the

whole stop i

think part of is they don’t want to

they don’t want to

they don’t want to

do that because they don’t want to destroy all the work

so they’re trying to figure out how to save

as much of the well

as they can

while figuring

out how to stop it but in the meantime they have this

giant eco disaster and they’re like well we’re

gonna take care of that

but the problem with them taking care of that is

these people can’t fish there

they’ve shut down like 20

of the fishing in the gulf

or at least as of a couple days ago it

might be even

worse now all

these people they’re all fucked up from katrina

and that whole area got nailed

by those disasters and it was just

starting to get back on the road to recovery

and then this fucking

thing hits them

dude this is

gonna be an eco disaster that we have

never seen before

sometimes it’s hard to put

things in perspective

while they’re happening

you know like this is happening

right now and it seems like

you know it

doesn’t seem

like a big deal because it’s not affecting our ordinary

everyday life you know we’re

going through life and you know it

doesn’t seem like

you know i’m saying you know you

drive to the same

store you eat the same restaurants right

but there’s a part of the

world right now that is

literally an

apocalyptic disaster is going down

i mean it is a huge

huge fucking reservoir of oil is pumping into the

water and it’s

almost impossible to get it out of there they’re fucked

that’s scary shit man

it’s just not we’re not putting it into perspective

because it’s not happening to us we’re not feeling it

you you know

so it’s like

it feels almost abstract and we’re talking about it

you see it on the news and it seems

tragic but it

almost seems abstract because it’s not affecting you

but if that was affecting us if we were

a fisherman and we were living in fucking louisiana

and this is what you would be

suicidal right now

you would be

going crazy

you have no

other way to

make a living you have kids to feed you have no fucking

money in the bank and this shit is

going down yeah and

things probably

weren’t that well off for you before it happened either

you know for the most part

those guys are pretty

yeah with all

this bailout

money all these billions and billions of dollars

those fucking cocksuckers

should be paying

those fishermen

right now they

should be sending fat

checks in the mail

right now double what they

were making before so that they don’t have to feel bad

because you’re killing

their fucking business

billions of dollars to

these fucks is not that much

money and a billion dollars

would go a long fucking way

taking care of all

these fishermen i mean

it’s a billion dollar industry

but you know this catastrophe is

gonna cost them so much fucking money

they should take out the

money for the fishermen and for the workers

right now for all the fucking people that rely

on tourism all the people mean that’s

gonna be big dude it’s gonna be

gigantic and then there’s the cleanup

and then they’re

gonna have to come up with new

technology to even

clean that shit up

see kevin costner

had a thing that he

might use his

his what his hair

no when he kevin costner

and i’m getting a lot of so

wrong back when he did

water world he got into

completely overestimating

how much hair he had

he got into

cleaning up the

ocean or the oil so when he

spent 25 million dollars

in 15 years of research into this filtering system

that now the government is like well wait a

minute you have that we didn’t know

that they’re

going to use

kevin costner’s

what yeah if you google it

he created something back when you did wild world

to help the

ocean and now they’re

supposed to like

annoy the oil yeah

do something to the oil

you show them

really that’s so bad the oil commit

suicide you wanna see

tin jumps into a

bucket we just

we play the sound

track from tin cup

yeah how the fuck are they

gonna separate that

water from the oil

i mean they’re all talking

about how they’re

gonna do it oh we’re

gonna do it they’re

gonna literally

gonna have to invent some new

technology in

order to just

i can’t believe they didn’t have a plan

real talk you know

yeah better than just what i

would have done at my

apartment where you just get a rug and

throw it over the spot that’s on the cat

later and go well

it’s done i’m not

gonna pay to

clean that campus up yeah

what the fuck it seems like they

should just be able to drop like the statue of

liberty on it or something and stop it like this is

where we need aquaman this is

like a mile

underwater yeah this is where

superhero is definitely

miles underwater right yeah like little tiny

robots that we can barely control

talking about

hundreds of thousands of

pounds of pressure

you know i mean this pump you

know it was pumping out insane amounts of oil

and now it’s just broken from an explosion

and it’s pouring

have you ever seen the live feed

have you seen the live feed yet it’s

creepy as fuck dude cnn had a live feed for a

while but it

crushed their servers

because everybody was just sitting in

front of it staring

and it’s just the oil that

slack jaw just pouring

well it was interesting because the guy

that was the one of the

experts that was on cnn was explaining that from that

video he showed that

it wasn’t the 5 000 gallons

or barrels of oil a day they were estimated

was coming out

he said it was

literally like 75 to 100 000 like

and he was being conservative by saying 75 000 barrels

he’s like it’s a insane amount of oil like this ain’t a

this ain’t 5 000 barrels you know it’s like

a fuck load

i like oil it’s fucking awesome when it works

not so awesome when it gets in your ocean you know the

flashlight oil that comes with those

flashlights or you can get with

those flashlights it’s very good hmm

flashlight oil yeah it’s got

they have like a hot and a cold and just normal

and it’s good for

even when you’re not using the flashlight

for using for sex ryan’s good for

about an hour and then he fucking completely falls

apart well it’s better than silence your

strength you’re surfing the net so i’m just getting

some questions here son

all right the doom and gloom

this is what keep people

this is a problem

and it’s just like what we were talking about with

with negative people online

people gravitate towards negative stories

and you know

i mean we’re guilty of

it talking about this oil

spill that’s more of a catastrophe than anything

but this this this collapse

thing because

this has been a subject on my message

board for the

past couple days because the michael rupert documentary

and because somebody put a

a speech that he was giving in vermont

and that was also on the message

board and that’s

been a subject that people have been talking

about but that’s

something that people

completely fixate on and i’m totally guilty of it

i fixated on it for

hours yesterday

and it didn’t help me at all

and i’m trying

to figure out why the fuck people do that

why do we get so obsessed with

like the unavoidable

catastrophes and the unavoidable

like death i mean you can sit

around all day and

freak the fuck out

about the fact that eventually your body’s

gonna give up and quit

and you’re gonna move on to the next

stage of existence

why is it though

that that can stop you from actually

enjoying your time

that you have

what the fuck is that

people yet it’s whatever your

focus on if

your brain is like a

google and you type in

world destruction

you’re gonna find all the links and

videos and everything that has to do with world

construction and that your

brain can only handle

you know so many questions or so many

things that you’re

looking for

this is one of the dudes on the message

board rivalries talking

about the golf oil

spill and he’s saying that the oil coming out is

under so much pressure that they can’t cap it

it’s eroded the piping

300 feet below the sea floor

and allowed

oil to escape out of the seabed at different spots

plus they think there

might be a volcano

under there

what the fuck

fucking christ

in the volcano has aids

oh my god congress is

gonna improve

a four hundred percent increase in a gasoline tax

there’s more

doom i want to shut that off i don’t want to read it

did you watch lost

no no i’m so far behind i’m lost man

are you gonna

catch up i’m

gonna eventually

catch up but i’m way way way way way way behind

so did you read anything

about what happened no i don’t want to hear shit son

it was a good i

heard it sucked

you know at

first i was more i mean it was okay but

first i was kind of like

upset about

it now i’m kind of like you know what that’s probably

about as good as it was

going to get anyway a lot of people were bummed out

about the sopranos ending

and i don’t have a problem with that i didn’t

think it was the best ending in the

world but i

didn’t feel like

they fucked

up i felt like it was just like how do you end such a

spectacular show

like you gotta it was cool

it just ends abruptly and

that’s what happens when

well who knows

i mean yeah who knows who knows what it is i mean

it’s open to interpretation did he die you know yeah

that’s the best show i

think i’ve ever

watched from

beginning to end sopranos is number one to me

and you see it

morph and change

because the very

first episode was almost like a comedy

you remember his wife came out with the machine gun

and she saw somebody was

climbing into the window

you remember that

i don’t remember the

first yeah it was almost like a comedy it’s like

they were playing it like

not real you know

playing it like silly

but then as the

season went on

and it got more and more serious then as episodes

seasons went on then

it became this intense fucking incredible drama

but man has

there ever been a fucking show that makes you

so excited to see it like that i’ve

never been so addicted to a show as a surprise

loss was like that

really yeah

i mean there’s a couple episodes i didn’t like but the

whole getting to the end part

i loved every

second of it i mean i rewatched the

whole entire show

from beginning to end in

the last three

weeks that’s

cause you had a new girlfriend

you know what but i

loved it i watched

every episode

just like it was the

first time and i was like oh my god

cause there’s all

these new things now that you know certain

things and you

rewatch the episodes you’re like wow that’s crazy

it is a very well made show

very well made

even though i gave up on it this

season i just got

bored with it

i got bored with it because i felt like

there’s so many times

where they’re like guns

pointed at them and jack was like all nonchalant

jack was fucking phoning it in man

after a while jack seems like he just gave up

well there’s a

whole thing with jack man what

especially when you see the last episode you’re gonna

think different

about jack to

begin with oh

how dare you

in the from the beginning

he was a different

guy and then they turned him into a junkie

and then after they turned him into a junkie he

seemed to be following it in i can’t tell you this this

cause this doesn’t ruin anything but i was kind of

upset that there was certain characters and

things that they never did

get to and i don’t know

if it was because of the actual actors or what like

mr echo remember that guy yeah whatever happened to him

you know well

he didn’t want to come back that’s what happened

right walt had


you know and they were like oh walt’s so special

well then i read that walt was

taken off the show because he grew like

three times the height

in one season

and they couldn’t do that

so they had to take him off the show

so did they just take him off the show and forget the

whole plot of him

having special powers or was there something i’m not

thinking of

yeah but they just dropped it

yeah this fucking

is a problem

which is let’s just

never bring it up ever

yeah like this is

ridiculous it

looks fine after a

while they just say

you know i mean the show is no

one’s gonna remember

so the show is so good

you know the

whole journey was good enough that i’m not

gonna hate the ending because the

whole show is

good you know it’s one of the best shows ever

it was definitely one of the

best shows ever and most complicated show ever on tv

most difficult to follow

i just got bored with it

after the last season it

seemed like they were just making shit up oh now we’re

going back in time

again boom i’m

gonna blow off a nuke and we’re

gonna go back in time like come on really

it’s that easy to just go back in time

come on this is

fucking foolishness

there’s definitely

things i didn’t like

about it the

beginning was so mysterious and so elaborate and so

it felt like so

cheap to me that that was how you’re

gonna do it you’re gonna

she’s gonna bang

on a nuclear bomb

and it’s gonna blow up and everyone’s

gonna go back in time

and she falls

hundreds of feet down into a well and

she survives and has enough strength to bang on this

fucking nuclear weapon and blow it up really really

it’s like such a goddamn good show and you got to that

battlestar galactica was awesome up

until the last season

i want to see the wire

i got bored

yeah the wire is another one that everybody recommends

madman dexter was awesome

first few seasons

i got bored with dexter

i got bored with dexter when john lithgow

was the bad

guy i was like and he got this chicken a shitty rear

naked choke

and and choked her

and i was like

jack power choked out somebody that

only real oh yeah

did he twenty

four the last episode was last night yeah

was it good

i haven’t watched

twenty four

since the first

season but i was caught up after two

hours and saw how it

ended and went okay

i’m sure you know was it good

i liked it you know for an ending

like choked out his friends

those fucking

shows man the problem with

those shows

people choked out chloe

wow duncan’s old girl yeah

really that’s

weird that’s duncan’s old girlfriend

maryland duncan

oh really yeah used to live with her when

she kicked him out and duncan had to live with me for

months dude it was so uncomfortable

going up right like

when i first

moved out he

still does stand up

yeah when i

first moved out here and this

agent was trying to get me into the alternative

scene it was all those guys

i didn’t go that route

the alternative

scene but he was like you’re you

should hang out with

jeannie graffal it

was i was just talking with a friend of mine

about that the alternative

scene is mostly

in a lot of people’s eyes like people were trying to do

smart comedy

and people who were like you

know trying to do something that’s off the beaten path

and they’re

like more nerds

right that’s how people like look at them

you know people are

proud to be nerds they do alternative comedy

meanwhile i can’t

think of more people who do that

the pretend they don’t know you thing

than alternative

comics more

people who are into social climbing

than alternative

comics they’re more hollywood

they’re more hollywood

than than the regular

comics it’s hilarious

it’s like what’s the alternative the attorneys you’re

gonna be ultra hollywood

i have seen so many

comics that are alternative

comics do that pretend i don’t know you

did we meet

you know i’m

sorry what’s your name

like that fake shit that they like

like it’s a

cool thing to not know your name or something

like that i’ve seen that happen with so many people the

whole funny different vibe or you see a lot of

those guys very judgmental

with it they have

their notebooks and all

their jokes are written

down and then they get up and they’re like yeah the

stuff you do it’s just not real it’s like you you’re

totally scripted out

every word you said

well even if they don’t i don’t give a fuck if you’re

scripted out or if you’re

loose and rambling i don’t care it’s like

just do whatever is in you you know whatever

everybody has a different

style and some people tell joke jokes and some people

you know they’re like

storytellers and some people they’re

just shit talkers you know everyone’s got their own

style of doing comedy

it’s just the idea of

yours being

better or you being judgmental because you know

with some alternative guys they don’t like people

who put too much energy in people are too loud people

move around a lot

or whatever

yeah it’s like

i like that i like being

entertained i like a guy who has a lot of energy

like a cat williams type dude

i enjoy watching his comedy it’s fun to me

so like you know

these guys that like

that shit on people for trying too hard it’s like

wow that’s like you you want to create this

weird environment

where everyone’s like

super calm and like goes to

whole foods you know it’s like

you know i mean it’s like it’s

some weird vibe

that you’re trying to create with alternative comedy

so what’s going on with this

ufc this weekend when

you excited

it’s fascinating

it’s a good one it’s a lot of shit talking going on

rampage jackson

and rashad evans have been shit talking each

other for fucking

months man that’s what’s

crazy about it they’ve been

talking shit to each

other for like almost a year

if not more

i mean it happened when

rampage fought

keith jardine

and that was a long fucking time ago

and rashad gotten the octagon

after rampage one was talking all kinds of

crazy shit and

then of course they’re on the

ultimate fighter together for the

whole season and

they didn’t fight

after that and

it’s a lot of fucking shit a lot of shit happened

they’re supposed to

fight in rampage how to get jaw surgery

and then they’re supposed to

fight after the

ultimate fighter but rampage got a

an awesome movie role

dude his movie’s

about to come out too

and it’s gonna tank so it’s

gonna be interesting why do you

think it’s gonna tank

it’s the fucking a team it’s just

gonna be like gi joe i bet

you you are fucking

wrong they’re

gonna kill how much you wanna bet

how much about 20

bucks let’s bet

20 bucks i want you to feel

we know it’s a tank all

right so it has to be number one for how many weeks it

has to be number one to not tank

just has to not tank

let’s define

not tanking well

i need to be number one i need

to know what tanking

means because tanking to me is like your fucking

pussy it’s 20

bucks we’re talking

about here man yeah but but

but what do you

mean by tank because by tanking what i mean it’s like

it’s gonna get in a

second place the

first week it’s out

first place

maybe but then after that

that’s not tanking

tanking is it

doesn’t make the

money that it was 100 bucks

would cost to make it

that’s what

tanking is okay

i don’t know

about how much

money it’s gonna make i just

think that this is such a huge franchise and they’re

gonna fail it i

think it’s gonna

rotten tomatoes

score is gonna be 34

there’s some movies

where i look at the

movie i go who the fuck is looking forward to this like

every time there’s a jennifer

lopez movie

yeah some jennifer

lopez romance film i’m like fucking really

who is running out

going to see that

who’s all excited

yeah there was a

point in time

where like jennifer

lopez was banging out a lot of

movies they were like big movies

you know like what was the

movie with the

the one with prisoners the george clooney movie

fucking good movie man

do you know what i’m talking

about was it a coen brothers movie

worth brian

i think of it

no no she wasn’t in that one

i know that that

movie is some

movie where

she played a cop and he was a bad guy

oh the cell that’s another cool

movie that she was in with that fucking

crazy dude from

it’s the special victims unit

csi or whatever the hell it is law and order

vincent d’onofrio

do you ever see the cell

brian no fascinating

fucking awesome did you

know that did you get the ufc video game yet

no no i haven’t got a copy

it’s pretty badass i’m sure

i can get a copy comes out today oh does it

today’s the day or yesterday’s the day one of those

but it’s supposed to be pretty awesome people

enjoying the shit out of it

don’t it’s supposed to get better reviews than

the first one i heard

don’t open that robin join us

i saw that sex in the city thing that was another one

that’s another one that makes me go what is

going on with the world

the people are loving that movie man

chicks are so fired up to go see sex in the city

a team is gonna suck

how do you know it’s

gonna suck because man they talking

shit they can’t do anything

right man look what they did this year joe who’s

back in hollywood so it’s one person it really is

when it comes to

motherfucker when it comes to retaking old

like childhood

dreams how about iron man iron man’s fucking awesome

your argument doesn’t hold up

your argument sucks no no i’m not saying

everything everything

ah you were no no

marvel lately has been doing

okay they did good on spider man they did okay on x

men they did okay on iron man but before that they had

captain america they had all

these horrible failed attempts

but then what i’m talking

about is like the shit

where they’re taking like gi joe they’re taking

transformers and they’re just fucking taking our

childhood memory

and shitting on it

like every single

movie they’ve been trying to do just fucking how do you

think they knew

the new karate

kids getting this

so sad that karate

kid’s a good example that’s

gonna do okay but

still it’s not

gonna be as good as original

i saw a lot of people complain ralph

macchios complaining

is he well i said

i saw the people complaining that he goes to

china in his

learning kung

fu yeah it’s called karate

is a japanese

yeah chinese people

must be fucking pissed but it’s called karate kid

that was a big

they gave fucking lips to

optimus prime why does a

robot need lips

you are such a nerd

you are such a nerd i can’t believe you’re a grown man

you really care about that

speaking of nerds

speaking of nerds did you see the dude who

was graduating from columbia

and in his in his

speech he he hacked a pat naswalt joke

and the video got out onto the internet

you still want to pat noswalt’s joke in

his speech yeah

and i thought it was a

comic no no

no that’s another one

this is a new

story this one came out today

patton oswald’s joke

about star trek like

a physics professor

put a star trek

theme to a question it was

basically a

a speed and

velocity equation

you know and

the joke was that he used

check off fires the phasers

and someone came up to him and said

sulu fires the

phasers check off

doesn’t fire

so i have been informed that sulu

you know so the question

didn’t make

sense and if you go in it just

but anyway this guy used the

exact joke i just fucked up that joke royally

but this guy used the

exact joke in his

commencement speech

and it got on on youtube

and everyone went

crazy it’s on the gawker it’s on

defamer all

these different websites and pat and oswald

wrote about it on his blog it’s on the

front page of his blog

he went after the dude

wait so a guy just did it during his commitments

that’s it he was

getting paid for it it was

just him giving us

and he’s just doing here

he hacked it who cares

getting paid for that he’s just doing a speech

well patent cared

well that’s retarded

is it retarded i

think that’s fucking retarded what do you think you

should have done

patent yeah he

should’ve been

honored like oh that’s that’s cool

i don’t think he

should have cared

the guy was just doing a

speech out of

school he wasn’t getting paid he wasn’t

at least people didn’t

come out to see him get you know they didn’t pay money

this is not his career he was giving us

speech when he

graduated right but

if that guy is plagiarizing in his

graduation speech

what the fuck did he do throughout his college career

if he is so brazen

that he’s willing to plagiarize a

famous comedian on video

and he knows that shit is

going to get on the internet

every day somehow

another college

speech i don’t get

it everybody

cares it’s all over the internet it’s a big deal

you know what i love

about it though

that everyone’s calling it he mensea at it yeah

that’s funny

i’ve read that on

three different

places what i like is i

heard an interview recently of mensea

and he said the

first time he ever got on stage

he was so nervous that he went to the

store and bought a joke book

and took jokes from it and ripped out the pages the

first time he went on stage

oh you talking

about the mark man podcast

i just thought

that was very

disappointing as

it’s like that’s

great your first time on

stage you just

admitted that you

stole from a joke book

well he told jokes

when you buy the joke book don’t don’t you own

those jokes

that’s right

not stealing

unless he stole the joke book and then talked

about it so

yeah i think we’ve said more enough

about that fucking dude

it’s amazing that people

still go to see that guy though

you have to be

completely retarded or not have an internet

connection i mean

those the only possibilities

why you’d want to go see that guy

comedy is a

funny thing man it’s like

you know it’s like all art forms kind of reflect

where your head’s at

you know the kind of shit that you’re into like

i was getting

tattooed the

other day and

while i was getting

tattooed the fucking

guy in the next

booth was listening to this

one of those

metal songs like

that that annoying fucking

screaming angry

metal that sounds exactly the same shit

that just reflects where your fucking head is at

no one who’s like at

peace and is like in a good

place in their life listens to that shit

you know and no one

who’s got their shit together

would think the carl’s fancy is funny

you know you have you have to be a mess

you have to be there should be something

wrong with the

way your mind works it has to work really poorly

it has to be really low watt

but there’s

a lot of really low watt people out there man like yeah

that’s what’s

interesting when you you know when you see like certain

things that certain people are into certain books

that people are into and shit you like god damn really

certain tv shows all the fuck tv shows awesome

and you like really

like okay i

guess it is for you

you know that’s a hard

thing to accept that i

guess it is for you

you know especially as a comic

don’t you find yourself like

angry like no it fucking sucks like

you almost want to

argue the opinion

you know but it

doesn’t suck for them

like fucking twilight

a billion screaming horny

chicks can’t be wrong

you know you

could think it sucks all day but they love that

stupid fucking

movie look at cars 2 one of the

worst pixar

movies ever was cars in my opinion

and they’re doing a

sequel to it

just because they know how many people like nascar

how many mid american people

how much merchandise they can sell

based on that movie

do you know nascar is the number one spectator

sport in the country yeah

how crazy is that

watch your cars go running so yeah

so you can sit there all day and go that’s the dumbest

sport ever or whatever it is and then or go wow

or there’s a

lot of people that are into it i’m just not how

often do you go

on the road and you’re in the

south and they

bring up nascar

like when you do morning radio

you ever had that happen

yeah fucking nuts

they start talking

about drivers and

where the guy

does this better and jackets

yeah oh yeah they

all got my fucking

daryl wall trip drag it

who the hell is that guy

meanwhile they all know who he is that guy’s a

superstar down there

it’s like there’s a

whole different

world in the

south that people are not aware of

like music wise

like country

music there’s fucking

smash hit country

music songs that you will never hear

you will go through your entire life and you will

never hear them

meanwhile they are

loved by 50 60 million people

in this country they’re not

in india it’s not fucking foreign

music from bangladesh

or brazil or something like that no

this shit is

going on in alabama

and kentucky and


and they fucking

love that music

brian you remember that time we went to that

place in north carolina

and went to that bar next door

we’re in raleigh

north carolina we were at that

charlie good nights

and right next door there’s a bar

and the bar was playing country

music they were all singing along the bull rider yeah

they had a you know it’s a funny

mechanical bowl yeah but that club that bar has an

identity problem because i went in there and it

would play country music and then it

would go from country music to rap to jay z and then

the equal amount of people would like

sardant and you’re like you know what

that’s for why you’re into two really different things

that’s for the girls that like to fuck

black guys you

gonna mix it up

yeah i mean it was

weird you’re there and you get a lot of that in the

soul and then you hear a lot of like

wow yeah well you

gotta bring the

black guys in because a lot of girls like to fuck

black guys and the

black guys are just not

gonna tolerate that country

music all day

right so if

you wanna bring in those

little chubby

white girls

you gotta bring in some rap

music for em

attract some black eyes

to make the mix more interesting

i remember i was

at that particular

place when i was there and i went to

shake the door guy’s hand

and we kind of did the

roman shake by

just how our hands you know

where you grab the thing

he had i’ll

never forget this

huge i don’t know if it was a cast or a plastic

thing that went from his wrist

probably down to here and he had him on both sides

for fighting

so you couldn’t tell he

had a shirt on

but that’s who’s the guy

the door guy

so this was all like a

shielded so if

yeah if you got in a

fight with somebody really

an extra yeah cuz i go

did you break arm because

now i got them on both sides it’s for if shit goes down

wow and it was

those things

like the gladiators wear from here to here you know

like a cod piece

how weird is that

forearm protection yeah yeah

forms not a very sensitive area

it’s a weird

thing you want to protect

maybe he’s a wing chung man yeah to put

i think that’s right

that’s why you have that you

think that you were

blocking i guess

that’s a shit

i hope that somebody fucking

shoots you son

that’s some roadhouse

stuff yeah well that

place was like roadhouse man we went

right next door

that place they had a

remember that one girl that was

super awesome at riding

that mechanical bull

like how many cowboy dicks is that

chick sucked

a thousand you

tried that really

good yeah yeah i’ve done it before it’s hard that’s

right i have

video of you doing it on

tlc on mtv yeah

tlc no nrl trl yeah

never done it

yeah it’s it’s not easy

it’s hard it’s hard to hang on to that

thing so stupid

it’s a fucking dumb way to get hurt

did rhino bulls a dumb way to get hurt

but riding a bull

that’s a fake bull that’s even fucking

stupider you know

it’s like cuz they

could easily make a fake bull that

could fucking

throw you off and kill you

so it’s like you know they just make a fake bull just

strong enough

just you can

kinda hang on for a little

that was the scariest

thing that we ever did on fear factor

was we have

people ride bulls

that was the one time

where i was

like what the fuck are we doing there was the one time

where i literally did not want to do the stunt

and all we did was like we just roll the dice

we said okay

let’s hope we don’t

crap out here let’s hope we don’t fuck up and somebody

doesn’t want up getting paralyzed

we took these people that had

never ridden bulls in

their life and we

threw them on these

giant fucking murderous

rampaging beasts

and we just

threw them on there and the guy was like don’t

worry these are

training bulls

and i was like

what the fuck are you talking

about that’s a bull that bull

doesn’t know he’s a

training bull

he has no idea he’s a

training bull

that thinking like oh

these are the bulls they

train the rodeo guys on they’re not as

aggressive like

the fuck are you talking about

they’re looking at the cage

this thing’s in the cage

and it’s fucking

bouncing back

and forth and

slamming into the bars

we took this girl on

she weighed 90

pounds like no bullshit she was tiny

the most she

weighed like ninety eight

okay she’s like five feet tall she’s a tiny little girl

she gets on this bull

and then think

bucks and she goes

flying i mean instantly goes flying

and as she’s flying

the bull kicks at her

and the bulls hoof

just misses her face

like just missed her face it

would have caved her fucking

monkey head in

like no question

about it this poor little girl

she fell and landed on her back she got

knocked out

and you know she came you know

she was conscious

but she was like out of breath and she couldn’t

you know the breath got

knocked out of her and she was all like

oh i’m okay

i’m okay and

they had to take care of her and

the paramedics had to

check her out make sure she was fine

and she’s just

lucky that she was fine

just plain fucking lucky

i got to see

those bulls my wife was

on a show years ago that nobody saw called america’s

toughest job

and what they did is

every week they did something else so she was on the

deadliest catchboat and had to do that stuff

and then she was

an oil rigger

and had to go do that

stuff in the log

stuff and she had a

thing where

one of the episodes she was a bull

fighter so she was the clown

that got in an actual rodeo was the thing

and so when the bull

bucked the guy

she would have to run up and it was

these weren’t fake bulls it wasn’t like for

things she had

to run up and literally

smack the bull to get the bull to

chase her because

she was getting on the show was getting graded on

how well she made the cowboy safe

and she blew out her knee because she had

twist and turn and it was like a lot of dirt

it was pretty scary

yeah fuck yeah just

to be on tv

yeah and she did it you know she make

money off that show

no but she did some cool

stuff she got to drive the

grave diggers

some cool cars

she blew her fucking knee out for free

yeah so i mean she you know but

wow she didn’t make

i like i said it was pretty good

it’s one of

those shows she had to do that fishing

thing now that just looks

shitty yeah all

those yes the devil

is catch got

a truck and

drove the ice road that looks

scary as fuck

she had a really and out

of all that she didn’t make any money

no man it’s

gonna be on tv joe

reality show

money every

month i think she i

think she got a stipend

every week 500

bucks cash that is it

nuts it is nuts

do that to you

they can use you like that on

television over a course of like this ain’t

like fear factor

where you’re only on for a couple days

no she was on for how long like she was gone for two

months cheese

did like nine episode so

one episode a week probably

dude what if she got killed by a bull

oh you should see all the

stuff that he’s yeah what

if she got killed

well how would you have felt

yeah right yeah you can you can

you can even do anything

about it dude bulls

scare the fuck out

of me when i see that running with the bulls in spain

you know there was a show once

where they they wanted

me to go running with the bulls i forget what it was

but they there was like one of the

things they wanted me to do

on the show i was like what are you talking about like

people run with the bulls

all the time you just got to make sure you get ahead

mike those are piss and beer

soaked fucking streets

people were

tripping have you ever watch

videos fuck you

was like you want me to

go run with the bulls like what’s an ancient tradition

it’s one of the

dumbest ancient traditions ever the fact that people

still do that today

is one of the most

one of the weirdest fucking

statements about

human beings you take a

bunch of rampaging monstrous

beast animals

have you ever seen the

videos to a dudes getting jacked

they just get thrown through the air

like they’re nothing

these things are so fucking

strong and they

stomp them and gore them

i mean people get fucked up

they get really really fucked up by

these things man

the fact that people are

still doing that man

you see the

video the matador last week

they got the

horn through his face

through his

mouth and through

the bottom of his chin and out through his

mouth his fucking horn is poking out of his mouth

that’s the image

so i saw that and

i said well i seen one before that was more fucked up

there was one

that were a guy’s getting it through the stomach

and the bulls

like lifting them through the air it’s like his

lower abdomen like

right above his dick

it’s the most

because the look of pain on his face is just

he knows he’s fucked i mean he’s just

done and so i

started looking at google

search try to find that

image and i

found so many fucking

images this guy

dude why would you

most of its the running with the bulls

though most of the images came from running at the bull

so many guys getting fucked up by animals

brian you went to the la zoo huh oh yeah

man that was the worst

zoo i’ve ever been to

and one of the just

fucking creepiest

is there was so many

cages that look like the animal died and they just

never bought a new animal to put in there

so it’s just like like

empty and you’re sitting there trying to find the

animal and you’re like wait a

second this

cage has not even been touched for five years like

and then there’s just

i didn’t see one lion

i didn’t see an elephant were you blazed

no no i just went through

sober and i went through the

whole thing in like two

hours it was like so fast

it was the worst zoo ever the only cool

thing was it’s not as bad as the one i told you

about in massachusetts

there was one that they shut down

it was horrible

they had this

little tiny ass cage for this lion and the lion

would just walk around in circles

yeah looking depressed

walk around circles

the coolest part was when they fed the chimpanzees

and there was like six of them they’re just all

lined up you

know sitting next to each

other itching

their butts you know and they’re all eating

they all grabbed

what is a cucumbers

and they’re all just had like four cucumbers and

one was like acting like he was smoking it

looked it was

just hilarious because they were just like humans

and they’re all just

but then they’re like not sitting like on

it was called the chimpanzee

penthouse or the ape penthouse

and it’s like they were just sitting like on stairwells

so there was just all these

monkeys sitting on

stairwells eating cucumbers

and it was just

the oddest thing ever that zoo is fucking

weird it’s very strange

that we feel like it’s okay for us to take intelligent

animals just lock them up so we

could stare at that that i don’t

agree with that i mean that zoo i

agree with you on that because

that zoo i don’t

agree with that zoo

that zoo should be torn down

i was i’m used to columbus

zoo where a

monkey has like

acres and acres and acres of just

grass and san diego is

great shit like that you’ve been to san

diego yeah yeah that’s one of

my favorite zoos in the country that’s a huge ass zoo

you know they have a lot of

space to roam around

but la zoo will get you they’ll get you off zoos they

should be illegal man i was in

colorado at the zoo and this fucking chimp was

screaming screaming in agony

wasn’t chimp was a monkey

he was in his cage and

screaming in agony

and you could hear it in his voice

he was fucking tortured

he was stuck in this little box by himself and people

would just walk by stared at him

and he was just losing his mind just screaming

it was such a tortured

sound i mean

are we really getting that much out of

these fucking guys being locked in this

thing that it’s okay to do this

we got pictures ah

dude there’s

this one ape that was there it was like a red

ape and he looks so sad

yeah that’s an orangutan orangutan

and he is so sad his eyes are just like so depressed

but then his son came up to me

while i was filming

just start slamming the window like don’t record

my dad well

he doesn’t want you staring at him yeah

that’s gotta suck man they’re intelligent

i mean they’re not nearly as intelligent as people but

is it okay to lock up retards

you know i mean at what

point in time if we could

prove that a

monkey was as

smart as a down

syndrome person

would it be okay to put the down

syndrome person in jail next to the monkey

you know i mean

how intelligent do they have to be to

where we can’t lock them up

you know so i said if we ever

found bigfoot

you know everybody

thinks bigfoot’s all cool and

everything and you know you

watched on monster

quest wow i wonder if it’s real

if it was real

he’d be locked up

right next to that fucking orangutan

you know we

wouldn’t as long as we can’t

understand your language

fuck you get in the cave vivid

would have a porn

video with the people you

think so and kendra

kendra or britney sky

britney sky

wanna see that kendra video

but you know what

my girlfriend was telling me

about that kendra

video you’ve

heard of it right

what yeah kendra x

yeah there’s a sex tape that came out before hefner

hefner dated her when she was 18

so it must have

happened like the

first two months

video she got

with is with the wc

fighter well how do you know that he wasn’t banging her

while she was with after

right seems more like yeah but

those girls don’t all fuck them exclusively that’s

ridiculous well this supposedly this

video was before hefner though

the whole fucking hefter

thing man poor fucking girls

those poor sad girls that fuck that guy to try to get

famous they had to be in they couldn’t

leave the mansion

after nine pm

that’s hilarious that he would

still try to keep them from getting fucked by

other guys he had to know what’s

going down you follow him on twitter

no do you wow it’s so sad

is it he just

hugh hefner’s twitter

every day is just

like just rewatched oh yeah it’s totally him

just rewatched gone with the win

i love that movie

just rewatch tootsie oh

those crazy guys

and everything

just watches old

movies all day

that’s all he does he’s a hundred years old bro

how old is he

he’s deep in his

eighties right yeah

late eighties

it’s amazing that he’s

still got to keep that

thing going

you know he’s got to

still try to keep that

you know that fascinating fucking

lifestyle yeah what

point do you just go you know what everyone just

get out of the mansion

please i want to

yeah hang around and be i

guess we stopped

you stop doing that though you

start dying yeah you know so

keep the business

going right

i just went to an estate sale the other day

somebody died down the

street and the

state sales

where they just kind of opened up their

house and you just buy anything you want

like everything’s for sale

you know get the fuck

out all this shit out of the

house so they just walk in and say i’ll give you 50

bucks for that

right right

right and it is so

crazy because they

just like the guy died and they did not

touch anything

so it’s like how the guy died like that’s how his

house looked like

and it’s just so

crazy just seeing how this person

lived you know

like how dirty this person was and just like how

creepy and what was it like i

guess it would be it’s really hard to explain like like

as an example like his

chair the side of his

chair was just like

stacks of like tv

guides from the last 40 years maybe

you know and they all had like

crossword puzzles

there’s some

depressing motherfuckers out there

like we were talking

about that michael rupert guy

imagine if he can be a fly on the wall in his

house yeah him hanging out with his dog

by the way one of my favorite

quotes from that was

when he goes

i take my dog out to go walking

every day and have a

smile monster oh clerks

miles yes i was gonna

bring that up

i was gonna

bring that up

dude the fucking

world is ending according to you you asshole

you’re out there collecting

smiles yeah

you see how many

people he can make

smiles you know who he look like remember on office

space that guy that made the jump to

conclusions floor mat

he looks exactly like that guy jump to


floor mat so google

search jump to


floor mat office

space and look at the

photo and then google

whatever the guy’s name is rupert

same guy this guy said it was the corey

feldman sale

corey feldman

still alive sir

corey came died

the handsome corey

poor little

fella yeah it’s another one

childhood stars just like your girl lindsey

it’s a fucking

impossible grind man

being famous as a

child and then what happens

you know with

the disney channel now look at all the future

of those guys that that channel’s

cranking out

yeah no shit i mean

it’s just like it’s a

puppy mill for future

danny bonna

duchess that’s a

great way to put it it’s a

puppy mill it really is a

puppy mill you’re dead

right they all live in this toluca lake

and i think they’re supposed to live there

really yeah

cause it’s right near disney it’s

right next to disney and they all live in toluca

like the jonas brothers

what any of them i don’t even know any of them yeah

they got it down to a science over there at disney they

wanna make fucking stars

they take a

chick who could sing and they just fucking

make them dance

your sitcoms make them wear

promise rings

next one no sitcoms

hopefully you have a sister

stupid as fuck

did you see the video of

miley cyrus giving some 40 year old guy a lap dance

she was like 16

and her dad’s like hey

your kids gonna be what the kids gonna be

fuck it don’t

break my heart

yeah it’s fucking dad’s

billy ray cyrus you know

god if that was my

daughter i’d be horrified i

would be sick to my stomach

16 years old giving a 40 year old guy a lap dance

he doesn’t give a fuck you got a

second chance to

start them but bam

there’s driving around a ferrari probably

he used up all that achy

breaky heart

money but this fucking

miley cyrus money that

hannah montana

money ain’t

going nowhere son

that that shit will take him to the grave

ladies and gentlemen 5 41

that means we’ve

been doing this over an hour and a half

no it’s two

hours 20 minutes or 15 minutes

that’s too much

that’s too much

sorry we had to run out in the beginning and grab the

microphones but

know that shit

sounds much better with the

microphones on correct

oh totally yeah so

glad you enjoy it

john heffron what do you got

going on you want to plug

all right nothing

going on but people

go to john heffern com they have all my dates have

run with two fs

to f john with an h

j o h n h e f f

r o n dot com

on the bottom winner

of last comic

standing oh yeah add his twitter it’s

right there on the little

screen there

but if you’re

on itunes you don’t know what the fuck we’re talking

about if you’re one of

those strictly

audio only fellows yeah

then if you’re at itunes and

type in john hepburn in

search and look at all mine

and you’re missing the

beauty of the

experience of the ustream podcast because the ustream

podcast has facial features yes it does we look at each

other sometimes

we have costumes

and see when someone’s

checking their phone i

write down my

girlfriend on a

paper dakota fanning

and no one else knew it what

fuck are you talking

about what’s

wrong with you boy

so sad man um

thanks for tuning in

we’ll be back next week same time we’ve got the

sound down now and now that i finally got the last

microphone in

today and that’s why we had to take off the beginning

i thought i had

a third one but i didn’t have the

the microphone cord

so now it’s all set up we’re

still trying

to figure out what the fuck to do behind us

the green screen

setup is not as easy as i thought

because not only do i have to get a

tricaster but i also have to get fucking

lighting in here

what about a banner like just a cool your alien

hair banner l

e d three d

samsung no no

three d stupidity

if i’m gonna get a tv it’ll just be regular tv but that

doesn’t even make

sense because

we’re talking it’s

cool if we did it and we

had space behind us

but see those tvs that

could hook up our computers to it it

could just be a huge ass monitor behind us

this stupid computer

doesn’t even have an hdmi out

you know that’s the

thing about

apple’s computers as opposed to like pcs

pcs have so many more outputs no no no

you have a display

adapter and all you do is get a display to hdmi

adapter on ebay for 3

well why don’t

they have a fucking outlet

built into my goddamn laptop son

because it’s a smaller

output so it’s i mean

why isn’t there a video out it does

what video out

it’s on the side it’s a mini display

adapter oh that

thing and you just get a mini display

adapter to hdmi so we

would do that

and put it behind us then what will we put on it

we just have it as a

second monitor behind it so you have

that you want to show a

video you just drag it to the middle we should

be talking we

should have just nothing but car accidents

totally just

the italian brackets

we’ll have episodes like this week it’s gonna be

the problem with the

green screen is we can’t have

video we have images

and that’s not as cool now you

could do a video you

could do anything you want to behind is that

green screens just like old

technology why not have a huge

lcds are so

cheap nowadays just have a

crazy big lcd that

would be 100 times better

no it wouldn’t though because if you had a

green screen we

could have like fucking monsters

right behind

us if we get a

green screen we’ll get that

stupid clipping

where one of us will have like

green hair you know it just looks shitty

does it yeah do you think

green screen

technology is not

good stuff with the green screen and then you could

the clipping apparently is from the lighting

yeah lighting green screens are pretty tough if

you have to have like

power lighting in here so we’d have to

flood ourselves with and

none of us could wear a green tent of a shirt

well today we would open we’ll be fine we’d be golden

we’ll figure it out but the sound

issue is done the video issue is done we change cameras

we also the whole

use stream producer

thing now so we have the option of having these

hd cameras broadcast the show

that’s the next step is we’re

gonna set up more than one camera because

right now we’re all on this one couch like

three monkeys

but i have it set up so that there’s another

chair over there so

i like this webcam joe

no it keeps on going in and out of focus

right it’s autofocus i wonder if that’s the setting

i don’t think it is

who gives a fuck alright

ladies and gentlemen sometimes we’re blurry

that’s been the show this week

it’s 5 45 and that’s more than two and a half hours so

thank you very much for tuning in

we will be back

next week same bat time same bat channel tuesday as it

were or wednesday as i yelled at my manager

and we’ll see you


thank you very much for

tuning in thanks

again for everything

thanks for all the constructive criticism

thanks for coming to the shows

i’ll be in canada soon

i don’t know the dates sometime in june go to joe rogan

net it’s all up there

next big show in

in america is in vegas

house of blues july 2nd

see you bitches there

i don’t know who’s coming with me i think

we can answer

no no no shows this weekend

thank you very much everybody

and we’ll see you next week

right man thanks

comments powered by Disqus