The Joe Rogan Experience #24 - Eddie Bravo

there it goes now it’s recording

all right ladies and gentlemen what’s up welcome to the

weekly You Stream Podcast I think it’s like

week 2000 what week is it Brian

24th week is on top of shit son

yeah 24th week and join today

is jiu jitsu master

musician best friend

Eddie the Twister bravo

ladies and gentlemen how

about a big round of applause for

Mr Eddie Bravo joining us here today

Eddie just had some pizza fuck that diet up son yeah

fucked it up

yeah I got a hold of it we got real mics now man

we’re all holding solidarity if you want okay cool

when you talk right into it it makes it so much better

we were having problems when we

first started doing this

we just figured out how to do a podcast

basically without asking anybody

we just trial and

error and we fucked a lot of shit up but the biggest

thing we fucked up in the beginning was the sound

the sound was really bad at first

but now we got that shit locked down

so that’s good

what are you doing

he’s practicing I’m

is it gay to hold a mic like this it’s like smoking a

cigarette in

France what

movie is this from there’s a movie

where a guy

singing karaoke and he’s holding the mic like this

remember that

does anybody know does anybody know how

many used to hang it in

front of his face like this

I don’t remember who

it was this is like you’re sucking a cock right here

well I never

even accepted that

flashlight yes

before we go anywhere we’re sponsored by The

Flashlight this podcast is a sponsored park

podcast but I’ll be

quite honest with you if we were not sponsored by The

Flashlight and

and we just

we just became

a subject of the conversation of the podcast I

would tell you

go buy one of

those fucking

things are awesome

don’t be embarrassed everybody jerks off it’s silly

you know if you jerk off and you

wouldn’t fuck a rubber

pussy you’re

crazy all right it’s just a pleasure

it’s just pleasure and it feels way better than jerk

I got a good

flashlight story

yeah oh let’s hear

it let’s hear it

it’s about when I bought it

about maybe like

I’ve had it for a while

I’ve used it maybe

20 times right

now it’s fucking pretty good

pretty goddamn if you’re

gonna jerk off

something about your own hand

touching your

cock cancels out some feeling or something it

doesn’t feel as good as

someone else jerking you off or sucking yeah whatever

for sure so

that’s where the

flashlight comes in I mean that’s it’s

it feels pretty fucking good you got the

right porn or whatever

but anyways

about 3 years ago

maybe 2 years ago

I met this girl

when we’re on the road in

Texas somewhere

maybe Houston

or Dallas or

something like that I was on the road with you

met her and

we kept in touch

she came out to LA

and hung out for a weekend

and for some reason she wasn’t down at all she wasn’t

remember that

she wasn’t down at all

she didn’t want to

she didn’t want me to

touch her now she’s

staying at my fucking

house and she

doesn’t wanna

touch me and kiss her nothing

so I decided to take her to the hustler

store and go

shopping for a

flashlight this is a

great story

so she couldn’t fucking believe that

she thought I was kidding that I went to the

store to buy a

flashlight I’m like hey

if you’re not

gonna give me the

pussy I gotta

you know this is the

second best

thing can invite another girl over come on so

that’s my flashlight

story I used it that

night too while

she passed out and

cool it’s pretty good

it’s better than using your hand

it’s better than using your hand if you had if you

could hire a Mexican to clean it up afterwards

then it would be awesome

it’s just a

Mexican why is it have to be Mexican man

they worked cheap

well you’re gonna put white

a white dude to clean up

your flashlight when you’re done you got to

go to Home Depot and pick up a couple guys and they’ll

switch off I was at

Target the other day and there there’s

these things called

magic microphones for kids it’s a kids toy that looks

just like a

flashlight if you

look at it you’re like oh the same company that makes


must also make this

microphone oh

my God and so I pick it up and I go

to my girlfriend I’m like look they got

flashlights here

and right I look on my oh

I look around there’s kids

everywhere and moms looking at me and I’m like oh fuck

but yes it’s

funny how it’s got a bad

like you know there’s

a bad feeling attached to it that there’s something

wrong with this rubber pussy

there’s something

wrong with pleasure

if it was just a massage thing

it was just like look I got a massage

that makes your back feel awesome

everybody be

like oh cool the guy’s making his back feel awesome

there’s something

about making your dick feel awesome that

freaks everybody out

would you freak out

if your son

was using the

flashlight at 11

that’d be bad no

right no not at

all just for

his birthday I

would say listen man your body is a

biological organism that

doesn’t understand

your life it wants you to make decisions for it

not for you so it’s

going to try to

trick you into fucking

someone with no condom and having

babies I mean that’s what your body’s trying to do

and it can get real confusing who you actually like

as opposed to

who your dick is telling you you like

when you’re

horny all the time

your dick convinces

you that you like people you don’t even like

just because you

could fuck them

and for a kid when you’re just

learning how to get into relationships

that shit’s very

tricky I think

every young kid

could benefit

from they should

teach kids how to jerk off in school

as you teach kids

how your dick is

going to confuse you

and how it’s

going to send you all

these messages and being horny

is actually a baffling

thing that takes years and years to master

you know and they can make Hannah Montana


can you imagine

20 billion dollar industry I wonder if that

would be illegal if she sponsored a

flashlight for high

school kids and she’s not saying it safe sex

safe sex is

promoting safe sex yeah

would that be insane

why not right

that’d be so

smart I mean

are we really pretending that kids aren’t fucking

you know kids get to

be 16 years old she’s like 16 or 17 they’re fucking man

they’re fucking

the problem is

even if she wants to like talk

about it and shit

it’s it’s it’s

still illegal

you know it’s

still it’s they’re not supposed

to be fucking and no one’s supposed to be fucking them

that’s like

older than them

I think you go to jail you know if you’re

if you’re 18

and your girlfriend is

17 years and 10

months and you fuck her you go to jail

is that really

happening yes yeah yeah people have got is that

still happening

yeah it’s real god

damn it you

know what’s happening that’s even scarier than that

is a dang it kids are getting pop for

child pornography for taking

pictures of

their pussies

on their fucking cell

phones oh shit

their dicks

that’s really what’s happening man

damn dude you’re getting in

trouble calling it criminal tools

a girl was arrested

on child pornography charges because she sent

pictures 15 years old

she sent pictures of herself to a

bunch of kids in her class

and they eventually

dropped the

child pornography charges

but they charged her with one

count of using criminal tools

the criminal tool was a cell phone

that was a account they had

against her

she took a cell

phone to take a

picture of her

pussy so that was a criminal tool

you hear that guys delete all that shit how

crazy is that man

think about what it

would be like

if that was your

daughter and you

found out that your

daughter was doing that

what same thing I

think we talked about last

time you guys were here you guys talked

about the exact same

thing the flashlight

story you guys just love talking

about did I

the flashlight

story the sexting

sexting oh the sex

thing oh the

thing we talked

about last time yeah you know what it’s

still fascinating

to me that’s a very important part of it

stop pay attention to that

Twitter feed

Brian I don’t

really want to know what people want us to talk

about shut that shit off that shit

drives me crazy

you’re freaking me out son

wait isn’t that what we got here myself up yeah this is

freaking me out too but I don’t read it

you don’t if you read it too much man then you’re

gonna change the subject of your conversation

okay listening to what they’re saying you getting too

serious about

this Joe no I’m not getting serious it’s distracting

it’s distracting

for a good conversation so what you guys think

about the new iPhone that just was announced yesterday

that’s pretty crazy

the iPhone is

going to change

a lot of shit man

first of all everyone’s

going to be

using it for

phone sex yeah

because you

could see the

other person

you see them

that’s what’s fucked up because I was thinking

about this the

other day you know how texting and Twitter and

everything’s fucking up

people’s games or just lies in general

now people are

gonna be like your ex is

gonna call or your girl’s

gonna call you and go

where you at

right now you’re like I’m with my friends

oh yeah well turn on your

video let me see

where you’re at you know and that’s

gonna happen with bosses

you say bitch

doesn’t have any Wi Fi

well that’s only

that’s only for

2010 that’s just because AT amp

T is trying to

build up there

do you think the network is ever

gonna get built up

where they can handle 2 way

phone calls with everybody absolutely

people are gonna

leave that shit on

and they’re

gonna you’re

gonna come to work with me okay

and they’re

gonna be walking around people aren’t

gonna be watching

where they’re going

absolutely that’s why they’re around with

their phone

that’s why AT amp

T regulated

their data plans the other day

because they know that that shit’s

gonna happen

hmm so you think they’re just

building up to it how is it

gonna be this

is gonna be like when texting

first came out when you

first got texting everyone said this is not

going to work no one’s

going to ever do this

but in texting plans were really expensive and

ridiculous you know

because all

these newcombers

are you know used to get I used

to have jokes

about texting

right my fucking 2005

Showtime special

there’s a joke in there when I’m like it takes you 4

presses to get an S

Why are you fuck

why don’t you just fucking call me what are you doing

right why you making me read

right you know

that this is

gonna be exactly like this just

think about how much that’s

changed in 5 years yeah

video calling in 5 years from now is

gonna be the norm

that’s all it’s gonna be

people are gonna

laugh at you from normal calling

you know I think I

think that’s you know we’re

going towards Star Trek

yeah we are

we are it’s

gonna be called something too like when someone like a

girlfriend calls you up and says

okay I need a

webcam scan

you know what I mean okay here’s the web

so you gotta tell all your buddies

that you could be at a

party and go

webcam scan

webcam scan

all the girls duck

under and go look look

honey I’m here boom oh

look and then Bam

a quick little one’s over you

do you just have the whole

party spin behind you

just move really slowly everybody

everybody just stay

with me stay with me

it’s the webcam scan you’re not

fucking moving fast enough okay you better webcam scan

right now I

switch spin around

in a circle as

quick as you can show me the

whole I need

the whole room

after a while you’re

gonna have to do it quick

it can’t be fast but then people are just

gonna get faster

they’re just

gonna be it’s

gonna be a sport

you know you’ll have gambling to see whether or not you

could tell those

people in the room okay let’s go into the bathroom it’s

gonna look behind the curtain

okay now let’s go out

to the back actually a cool fucking game

how about this game

how about you

um you have a game

where you bet whether or not someone is in someone’s

house and someone takes you on a tour of

their house and you bet whether or not there’s

other people in the

house hiding

hmm how about you have

pre recorded

pre recorded

fucking scenarios you have like 30 of them your

house one you’re at your mom’s you have all these

so anybody else

look yeah boom

and then you know they

think it’s live

but it’s really a

video we gotta get on that you know what

problems you

would have to show your face too

you’re supposed to show your face talking in the

environment they’re

gonna have to it

would have to

be like almost like a

green screen

the great Joey

Diaz is the best

thing when I

was talking

about this Joey

Diaz says he’s

gonna be like

imagine calling your girl and go let me see your pussy

right now see how red it is I know what it looks like

after you got fucked hold it up against

white let me see

just to talk her into showing her

pussy yeah yeah because then

because seriously that’s how it’s

gonna come down to you’re

gonna be able to just go let me see what your

pussy looks like

right now I can tell

you guys just that

statement that shows you the

mentality of Joey Diaz

how funny Joey is

joey’s thinking about

tricking girls in the show in

their pussy he’s not he’s it’s a

you know he’s all but no no no no no I need to see it

right now come on let’s go what do you got

like it’s all

about it’s all

about like trapping them in the show in

their pussy it’s not it’s not even really asking

them it’s like part of the hustleford for Joey is you

trick them I

think it’s gonna make people a lot more

faithful cause I really believe that

Twitter and Facebook

and Facebook

has really it makes it so hard to cheat

people are like okay if I’m

there’s a lot more single people

cause it’s way too harder to

cheat but if you decide

to have a girlfriend

or a boyfriend you’re like fuck it I ain’t even

gonna try you make a comment on one person’s picture

everybody knows

that you just commented on some girl’s

picture yeah you

know so it’s like

you don’t even bother

so you might as well

be faithful and it’s not gonna stay

where it’s at

it’s gonna move on to some next craziness and I

think that has to do with this iPhone camera I

think that’s the next

stage of craziness the next

stage of intrusion into people’s lives and some people

gonna reject it

you know did you do you Facebook just like

just like text

just like picture message just like

everything that’s why when people are

freaking out

about Flash

I feel the same

thing about that

people are freaking out

cause you’re not

thinking ahead

you’re not thinking

about what’s next or what’s

going to be the future

when you say

freaking about

Flash for the non technologically

macromedia flash

what macromedia

flash is a program

on your websites when you see like animation

and different kinds of like

you put your cursor over something and it does some

funky thing

most of the time you’re dealing with

flash on a lot of

these sites and

apparently flash

crashes a lot

I’ve had a crash a

bunch of times on me

and a Microsoft

has their own version of shit what is it silverlight

but what’s cool

is that there’s actually companies now that

have software

that if you put it into

flash and I guess

flash is working with this company

that if you go to this website and it has

flash flash will detect that you do not have

flash on your iPad or whatever

and it will convert

it into an HTML 50

uh program or

whatever so you so that’s what YouTube does

no I think YouTube just uses

a different codec it uses but

there’s some websites

where you can go to on the iPad and you can

still watch it

videos and that’s HTML5 you’re

watching you’re

watching it just a

flash is moved on from

YouTube doesn’t use

flash as much anymore it uses

Codec H 264 I believe

so it’s not even in

flash anymore you’re

watching it just

you’re just watching a

video file I

think you’re

right that people are hesitant to change and then they

worry about

Flash falling apart and

they say oh this is crazy

my website is coded like this and

that’s just how it should be

but when new shit comes

along it’s better

you just gotta accept it you know

I think what’s more fascinating to me than anything is

this Facetime

thing and the

the rise of the droid

phones dude droid

phones are like an infection there’s like

so many goddamn droid

phones now and they do

everything the iPhone does and more hmm

like what about shit

you know what iPhone has

you know the

front face feature that’s

and the HD camera

come on blackberry

blackberry still number one

you know Blackberry

still number one

droids nothing new it’s just an operating

system just like Windows Mobile was yeah but

these are dope ass

phone they’re dope

ass phones are dope ass

phones that

are doing something that’s trying to be like an iPhone

exactly you know

and it’s not

doing it as good if you use any application on a Droid

and compare it to the iPhone version

almost 99 9

of the time it falls a little

short okay but you’re saying this

based on the little

experience that you have no no couple

weeks with that

phone no I’ve had it for a month

I used it straight

for a month

and I know from

that operating

system what

they were doing back then is the same as now

it’s all the same it’s the

exact same I

used the the newest one I had the newest version it’s

the application

the Motorola Droid

right which is not supposed

to be as good as this HTC E

no you’re talking

about the hardware though you’re not talking

about the operating system

yeah but I mean didn’t the

does an HTC alter

the operating

system a little

bit no it puts a skin on it that just makes

it that’s all it is it’s just a skin off the operating

system does it make your work more effectively

some say it hurts some say it’s better you

know what it does is it gives you a nice little widget

at the front that has the weather and a

bunch of shit okay well

just saying that the iPhone is better okay I’ll

agree with you believe the iPhone is better but it’s

still a fucking amazing phone

and if it was

if it existed a year ago

you you’d be

freaking the fuck out of

existed 5 years ago

it be world changing

about 5 years ago I

would probably be

freaking out a year ago I

doubt it because it’s still

a very impressive

phone yeah the

phone hardware itself is great

but when you

compare like

somebody was

going off on the other day

about how like oh yeah this has an 8 megapixel camera

where the new iPhone only has a 5 megapixel camera

and I was like

megapixels don’t mean shit that’s why

every year we’ve stopped

at 12 megapixels for most cameras and if you notice

most Sony cameras that

were 12 megapixels last year now 10 megapixels okay why

doesn’t it mean shit I mean

doesn’t it because

how much information is in the photograph

and megapixels don’t mean shit

well it means

some pixel camera sucks we know that yeah

12 megapixel cameras awesome you

could blow up

giant billboard

right so it does mean something it means something

to it means something to a

point but the most important

thing is the lens

in the actual

the quality of

photo that’s why

that makes sense that makes

the new iPhone

camera has a

what most normal camels are just

switching to it’s this coil that goes

around the lens

and it used to be

where the coil was in

front of the lens optic so when you take a photo

the light has to go through all

these coils in

order to take a photo

so now they’ve

found out how to put

the coil on the back so the

light there’s more light

that goes in there Sony calls it the XM0R

lens whatever

it’s called

right now so

this new iphone’s

gonna have better low

light just because they decided to do this new coil

technology so that

alone photo quality looks

pretty awesome yeah megapixel

doesn’t mean shit

it does mean something though bright you can’t

you’re getting

crazy no no no

I’m being serious

megapixels do not mean

shit anymore when it comes to like 5 megapixels and

above 8 megapixels

like 10 to 12 megapixels there’s nothing

8 to 12 there’s barely anything

because but it

still means something

unless you’re doing

billboard thing

what’s important is the lens and

what’s also

important the software they use it’s also important

you know what kind of

that’s why you have

these Karl Zeiss lenses and shit on all

these different phones

you know they’re

trying to get the dopest lenses possible

yeah I I agree over a certain

point it’s negligible

Brian you’re bad


you you your

knowledge of all this shit is


you freak when it comes to this

stuff but what I

think of the iPhone

who knows when

I get it but God damn it they just solved

everything they got it

the video camera sucked

I use it all the time but it sucked now it’s HP

it’s yeah that’s

still true yeah

for sure 18T

but it’s even

you know for me I barely talk on the

phone anyways I really don’t give a shit

what I care

about is video

pictures texting

right that’s huge and

yeah and then you’re gonna

to incredible I don’t care

about talking to

peter’s applications on your

phone that you can time

rounds with there’s like a gym boss

where you could time your workouts

you can it’s a free application to

you could set it so that it like

it’ll put interval

training into your workouts and give you like different

alarms like when you run

and when you stop when you rest when you go

I mean the flash

the webcam the HD

video 5 megapixels

god damn I think that these

these new Droid

phones are catching up though

they’re totally

catching up and

I hope they beat the iPhone but the problem is of all

these Droid users are saying oh fuck

fuck iPhone no no get this

how’s your Facebook

you want to do like comparison

how’s your Facebook on

your application

Facebook and

compared to iPhones

apple right but

you haven’t you tweeted a

while right

don’t they update

those dude I am on

every single website

every day on both

droids everything

I know exactly what’s

going on with droid vs iPhone

I was like I

would believe him I would

oh no totally is that

a common is that a common argument

dude it’s common with

Down the Line

every program that you get for the iPhone is

it’s way more fine

tuned on the iPhone for some reason

I don’t know if it’s on purpose

or if it’s just the length or the

you know the developers

or what but like even the twitter applications

and the same with the Palm pre

the Palm pre

should have been

fucking the number one

phone that should have been way bigger than it was

but the problem is

every single application

like their Facebook

their Twitter and

everything it

doesn’t even

come close to the iPhone

it’s still you

think that’s really what killed them

you don’t think that it was on

Sprint and I

could tell you guys having a palm pre plus that

every single

program that that you can download for that

thing sucks

shit compared to the iPhone versions and

the Palm Prix has been out for a year plus longer than

the web OS so

that ain’t doing shit palm Prix ain’t doing shit no

it’s interesting because the

Palm Prix was like the number one selling product that

ever launched as a

phone until this

HTC Evo came along

and they’re saying this Palm Prix thing

it’s really

what’s interesting

about it was

it was like the number one

thing but then it

petered out and nobody gives a fuck about it

you know like no one’s

in line to get palm trees

not at all actually

remember the trio the trio with the trio was the iPhone

I had I had yours

remember you gave me your

second hand

the trio was the was

that was the original shit the trio was a

brick bro I remember

when you bother

me I remember when you gave me your trio dude that

first day I

couldn’t believe it man I thought like I was just

I really thought like I had a

fucking diamond

watch I swear

I thought I was like

wow look at this

thing it’s so awesome I remember I had when I

first got it I got it out of the box and

everything and I was playing with it

looking at it

Wayne I was like this is the

ultimate piece of

technology that’s like Star Trek shit

it’s like a fucking computer in my pocket man

you know another good

thing is the texting on the droids or

just the keyboard

alone have you ever used the keyboard

no you know what I did use though that was pretty dope

and I wish someone

would figure out how to do it

the iPhone sorta does it

but I had with my Microsoft

phone I had a Windows Windows mobile

phones it knew the words that I was

gonna use like if I

would press A

and then B it

would write

absolutely if I’ve said that a

bunch of times in text before

and then you just hit the

space button and you keep

going on to the next

predictive texting yeah but like

crazy good man

it was really good it was really interesting

the iPhone always gets

things wrong

and never wants to accept my swears

still wants to change fuck to duck

I mean how many times

there’s ways around that there’s

something like you just

make a new contact

and you just put all the

cuss words you want in it or something I forget that’s

smart something like that and so

it looks it up yeah

how you do I

think you just

make a contact and go fuck cock suck dick piss you know

everything you want

yeah we just

do it once though

I know but it’s so silly

like why can’t it remember

swears well the new operating

system I guess is

a hundred times better when it comes to all this like

the dictionary the

everything and it’s got now we finally get multitasking

now brian’s got an

apple boner

are you a fanboy

I’m not a fan

I’m not a fanboy because I’m with any kind of

technology I

try them all

and I I agree

man I’m just teasing you

how many phones have we

both between you have we always go

right back to the iPhone yes

the iPhone is most certainly the best all around device

without a doubt

but my main

phone I use a

Blackberry because it’s Verizon

because verizon’s way better for me

I need to make calls

that game’s

over for me now

really yeah

I have no problems with AT amp

T anymore in Los Angeles well my problems with AT amp

T are driving driving from my

house into Legends

there’s 3 places where I

would lose people so if I’d be in a big conversation

I’d have to pull over because I didn’t want to

I didn’t want

to lose the call if it was something that was you know

serious I can’t talk in my bedroom

on the phone if if I

if I want to talk I got to go to my living room

if it’s an important call

I walk down the street

I actually I’m on

if you see me want to talk on the

phone walking

at some important ass shit

right there yeah don’t bother me

eventually there’s

gonna be no home

phones right there is barely any home

phones I hardly know my dad

doesn’t even have a home

phone anymore yeah

it’s like some ancient shit

you know home

phone doesn’t send no text can’t get

pictures to some

stupid line

where people call you it’s

funny my mom lives in the middle of a country emergency

phone that’s there is

in case the

world ends you need a landline

solar flares fuck

fuck up those

satellites there was an

article I was reading

about that about where

at a moment of the sun’s awakening

and that the next couple years is unprecedented

solar activity that they predicted

so unprecedented

solar flares that can wipe out satellites

and so what

they’re trying to get really good at is predicting

these events

so that they can shut down or put these

satellites on safe mode

which is pretty nuts when you think

about how much we’re reliant on the

satellites and you know

for satellite

radio I fucking listen to it

every day for

so many different

things for GPS

we’re reliant on fucking

satellites and

those motherfuckers can get cooked

they can get cooked

I mean at any time the the sun

could just make some hiccup a burp a fart

and it just barbecues

every fucking

satellite it sees

they gotta have backup

satellites and like just

floating out there and

protective cases so if anything happens the

other ones they just

press a button to launch it

yeah they open the new case boom

what if they’re gonna put

shields over

satellites like big radiation

shields that’s

gonna have to be the next

force fields

something like that

right gotta

be force field it’s

gotta have something to do with magnets and

force fields

well yeah you’re

right because that’s what our gravity is

right I mean

our magnetosphere

right right and the gas that surrounds the

Earth and the

you know our

atmosphere if we just suspend some gold dust

particles up in the

atmosphere we’ll be fine zacharias Hitchins

style yeah it’s real simple so

eddie’s a big proponent of the ancient

alien theory

and eddie’s the

first person

that ever got me into Zacharias Hitchin and we’ve had

dude how many bones have we smoked

fucking talking

about the Anunnaki

I mean we’ve had

more more ridiculous spaceman

alien Anunnaki conversations ancient ancient you know

tribe theories

shit where civilizations died off and left

so much information

that was just

lost forever like the Mayans and of course the

Sumerians and the

Sumerians talk of an even

older civilization before then

so eddie’s the one who got me into that the

first Scott

right Scott Redondo

right no no no he actually

brought it up

to me no he brought it up but I

never registered he goes dude listen to this

radio station

coast to coast

this was like 10 years ago

and I never listened to Scott

but Gina the

first girl I produced Musically

she’s about as

crazy as they come

and she was talking

about a party very talented girl

super talented singer but crazy

she goes oh my God

I was at this

party last night and

this guy was talking

about how we were created as slaves

to mine gold for

aliens on another planet

I’m like oh my gosh shut the fuck up

I was like Tina

just shut the fuck up because no

everybody was

tripping out on this guy talking about

this this crayon like

aliens made us as

slaves to mine gold

shut the fuck up

let’s get to work

so I thought

about it later on that day that

whole day I thought

about it and

I thought it was

weird that as

crazy as all that

sounded it is

weird that the one

thing that we all agree on

every culture

every race we can’t

agree on shit

politics religion nothing but we all

agree that gold is like

worth more than

money that gold is

the universal

money and I thought that was

weird I go hmm

and then I thought

about how the Aztecs

thought Cortez was a god and they gave him gold

and then the people

the pharaohs are dying

they get buried they get buried with gold

I’m like thinking

about this I’m like

this can I call

Gina play Gina

what was this guy’s name do you have his number

because that was Jody

or some guy

I think his name was Jody

so I called this guy

but hey I’m

gina’s friend

what you were talking

about some gold

and some slaves and

aliens what the fuck was that about

and he didn’t even really know

he said you know what yeah yeah I was talking

about that some guy told me it was

weirdest thing

I think his name is

side chin or such

in or something

sit chin or something so I looked it up

and I just got on the internet and I looked up sit chin

started getting into it and

it blew me away

it’s pretty fascinating shit you know as

crazy as all that

sounds if you really look into it

all the basically

it’s this zacharya

Sitchin is this guy that transcribed the ancient

Sumerian texts

like 20 000

tablets of all

these stories and all this shit

who knows what they really say because

very few people can actually

transcribe it

some people

think Zachariah

Sitchin is crazy

and he just making shit up

a lot of people believe him

I mean he’s got this I mean a lot of

smart people well the interesting shit that he

uncovers and shows in his

videos that’s just indisputable is the images that the

Sumerians left behind

that’s where it gets really crazy

because there’s images of

a big giant person with a

small person it’s a person but it has a tail like a

monkey and you’re like what the fuck is that

they have the double helix

the DNA double helix

is their caduceus

you know they have that in

their images

what if it was just like a

lesbian guy that walked around the

tribe you know that

dressed up as a cat and somebody

oh you know

what I mean it

could be it

could be but here’s the other

thing they also had a detailed depiction of the

solar system

they had a picture of the sun

and then they had a

picture of the planets

with the proper size

and the proper orbit

and on top of that

their whole history there

there’s in the Sumerian

text it talks

about the different planets

it talks about

Uranus and it talks

about Neptune

you know it talks

about the creation of Earth

they have the

exact same theory

that we have as far as the creation of the moon

the theory is that

Earth One there was an

Earth that was

like billions of years ago got hit with a planet

and created the moon

and now we are Earth 2

post impact

now this is

like something that scientists have just recently

embraced over the past few decades

but Sitchin

wrote about this shit

way back in the 70s I mean

this was the

Sumerian said

you know the guy if you

watches his documentaries and

you listen to Sitch and talk and get his shit online

it is fucking fascinating

you know and I’m not saying that you know some

aliens made us

as you know as a race of

slaves but I am saying that

the world is so

crazy as it is

the fact that we can send

photographs to people

and you can

get video download it from your phone

and you could

basically answer any question immediately by

pressing you know Google Talk

or the Google thing

where you know you talk into it and you say

you know what year did

Columbus sale blah blah blah

and it’ll give you the information like instantly

this has never happened

before man this is

crazy shit it’s only

gonna get crazier

now if we lived

100 000 years longer and stayed

alive and managed to keep evolving

for sure we

would get to the

point where we

would be able to

travel to other fucking planets

and find other species that we thought

weren’t advanced enough and fuck with them

if we decide at a certain

point in time

with all this investigation that we’re doing into life

like what they’re doing

right now with

synthetic cells

where they are creating cells

creating cells and

eventually creating living organisms this is all really

going to happen

if we get to the

point where we realize that life itself is just

a code that we can

manipulate and change

to our will well when that happens man you’re not

going to think

anything’s wrong

with taking some

monkeys and making them smarter

and having them work for you

you know and if there’s a

super intelligent being

or race of beings

that’s thousands of years advanced from us

or millions

or perhaps even a billion

you know what if they live in a protected

solar system

where they don’t have to worry

about asteroids

what if the asteroid impact is is not a common thing

what if you know all the shit that happens in our

solar system is kind of rare

and in other solar

systems they don’t have meteor problems

I mean if that’s the case if that’s true

they could be a billion years

older than us

we don’t fucking know we have no idea yeah basically

and Sitchin

was one of very few people

again that transcribed

over 20 000

tablets and in these

tablets were

all like in detailed

descriptions of how they came down

the names of the

rulers and the

South American ones the

real technical shit

about how it all went down

he transcribed all that shit in the 70s and

he put all this

information out all this information that

he wasn’t he’s saying that

he wasn’t making it up he was just transcribing all

these stories

and people were

and a lot of people

you know his

doubters were like

well he’s full of shit how

could he know this and how

could he know that

but the few

things that he did know in the 70s that

we were just

figuring out now one

in his transcriptions

he talked about how the Cimmerians knew that

Uranus and Neptune

were both water twins

and we just

found that out in the 80s that

they actually are

water twins that was new

how the hell did

Sitchin know this

another thing is Sitchin

the basis of the

story is aliens

need are there’s a

human they look just like us they’re just

there supposedly

supposedly and

maybe taller or whatever but I

think way better looking than they need our gold

to turn into gold dust

to suspend in

their atmosphere to protect

their atmosphere

that’s what they need

to protect them from radiation yes

that’s what he’s talking

about in the 70s and the transcriptions

he’s not an astrophysicist

we just found out like in 2001

2002 that that’s exactly how you protect

atmospheres you take

metallic particles

and you suspend them in the

atmosphere to

either keep radiation in or out

we just figured

that out how the hell did this guy figure

out through the and he’s saying well he didn’t know

he transcribed

did he just

guess that that’s the way we protect


he already talked about that

there’s a lot of

I mean he gets into

detail there’s a lot of shit that makes it like huh wow

there’s a lot there’s a lot to it it sounds

crazy and we don’t have all day to talk

about it but

I have an open mind

it’s fascinating

stuff I thought it was totally

insane too look

into it there’s a

bunch of debate

about this planet Nabiru

and there’s a guy who’s got a website called

Sitchin is Wrong

and his website is sitchenasrong

com and this guy does not believe that there was

that there’s this planet

you know this Nabiru and he has the

quotes to the text

it’s really involved and I

haven’t really looked into it

I don’t know who the fuck is

right and who’s

wrong I really don’t

but I do know that just all the shit that came

out of that one area is really fascinating

when you find out that one part of the

world is responsible for the

first mathematics the

first astronomy

first astrology

first written language

first use of the wheel

first everything

first agriculture it was

Iraq it’s Iraq yeah crazy

fucking nuts Iraq

was the first


first uh organized

civilization well that’s why they’re so fucked

up that’s why I’ve always said that that part of the

world the reason why

their laws are so archaic

they’re like the townies of the world

those are the people that were there when

civilization was created

and they’re

still rock they’re

still rocking that ancient law

you know you

dance we throw rocks at you you fuck someone from the

other tribe

we throw rocks at you

you show your

ankles we throw rocks at you

why is why is an

Asianist that’s so

smart though

have not has not progress like they stopped they all

moved out California

what is California

California is the

group of people

that landed somewhere else knew it sucked and

moved to the best spot

yeah eventually you figure out that the best spot is

Southern California

you figure out with me there’s a spot

where it never gets so cold that it snows

okay there’s no hurricanes

you have to

worry about


every now and then

but there’s no

lightning as the

worst traffic in the

world it is the

worst traffic in the

world but like as far as

because it rules but

climate has nothing it has nothing to do with climate

yeah it’s like the climate here

is the reason why everybody flocks to this

place it’s way easier to live here

you know that is true it’s like a club

promoters when a club in LA

when a club rises and falls

the club promoters don’t die with the club

they just find a new location and they just keep moving

the original club was

Sumeria it was blowing up it was going off

then it closed down the promoters

moved to Egypt

they blew that up for a while

that shit closed down people got

tired of Egypt

then they blew it up in Israel that

changed all the names

and all their

their stories of creation

then it went to Rome

and then it split off and then it

ended up in England and Germany

and the United

totally makes sense of that part of the

world is backwards because

because it’s just like

going back home I mean that’s what I’m talking

about it’s like

going back home if I went back home to Boston

and hung out I would think like God like

the dudes I went to high school with

dude you’re you’re

still living in this fucking

this crazy land like why didn’t you escape

and that’s like what it’s like in Sumair

it’s like Sumair

you know I became Iraq and everybody eventually

moved on to

other places the world

people who weren’t satisfied with

where they were and how life was

if that’s where all

human beings supposedly came from

everybody who left

is a people that were trying to find something better

it kind of makes

sense it kind of makes

sense that if

that really is the cradle of

civilization and everybody

left from there to try to find something better

of course the people that remain suck

just totally make

sense Saddam didn’t suck

how dare you how dare you

how dare you all

how dare everybody listening to this at this

point in time okay what’s next

stone motherfucker zachariah sit Jim

get him to the Greek Eddie

hell yeah did you like it I loved it

I love what would you rate it as like 5 stars

um not quite as good as hangover

but right under hangover like like

it was I thought it was really good man I

laughed out loud at

least 10 times there was a

thing that’s good 10 times where I was like oh

they killed it

that dude the main dude the fat guy he’s awesome

I love that guy he is pretty good man yeah Jonah

that guy is badass

he’s funny in

every they must let him go off

cause it’s not a coincidence that he always has

great lines

and you know who impressed me

fucking P Diddy

his acting was like 80

on it wasn’t it was

way better than 50 Cent it wasn’t Academy Award winning

performance but

he pulled it off and he made me laugh too

there’s a little argument with

that one r amp B singer remember with the pink shirt

with that guy’s name pharrell

pharrell dude that was hilarious

dude that was

funny dude it was so

funny they’re putting it

they’re putting it in the previews now

that’s part of the preview I

haven’t seen this

so don’t give any

spoilers away okay

but yeah you

gotta see I love that Russell

Brand guy too

it was hilarious

Pete did he was probably the best

part about that

movie though

it was good pete’s

and I posted that on my twitter that was one of the

worst movies I’ve ever seen in my life

so ridiculous you can tell

no you could tell

I didn’t think I

could tell I thought that made me look bad I

thought it looked badass

I was so looking forward to that movie

I was like did it

die a horrible

death at the box office I don’t know how it

did it actually didn’t do that good

it wasn’t in the

top 5 it got 70 something percent of rotten tomatoes

but listen how

crazy this movie is okay

this guy has his

girlfriend they’re both scientists

they’re doing all

these experiments with

human DNA and they figure out how to

synthesize human DNA with animal DNA

lizards or some

shit I don’t know what the fuck they spliced it with

so they just wanted to see if they

could do it so they so

she closes the door and does it

you know like

like so he like he can’t stop her and he runs in and

she presses the button it’s like really

ridiculous and she makes this

half human being half

animal lizard fucking

thing whatever the fuck it was

the story’s so

goofy so they

raise this it

becomes a person yeah I’ll

spoiler like a


you wanna plug your ears

yeah I’m still

gonna see it you’re

gonna see this okay

because I have a feeling that I’m

gonna like it

because I’ve read

after you made me not see it and then I kind of got

angry and then I

I said was talking

with some friends of mines and they said

dude what is he talking

about that movie was fucking awesome oh my God

well you like Nacho

Libre and we walked out remember no

no no no no

in the battle we all walk

all right this

movie is not

your libre was just you guys walking out so dumb

in 3 minutes

no you don’t know you don’t know how dumb this

movie is this

movie makes Nacho

Libre look like

not to leave

it was awful

but you guys only like gave it like

3 or 5 minutes or something like you’re like

get out of here was

bad was offensive

it was hurting my yeah there’s no way there’s no way

they had like

20 I gave 20 attempts at jokes

and 2 people in the

front lap and I’m like damn these are

their jokes like if you’re waiting this long to

throw in some

funny shit there’s no

way that ending’s

gonna be good and I’m a Jack

Black fan I

think he’s hilarious

I love his movies

I love that rock and roll high whatever the fuck it

yeah that was good rock

school that was good it was really good and he was

excellent in Tropic Thunder

have you seen that King Kong

yeah I haven’t seen

Trump still

haven’t seen

Tropic Thunder it’s one of my that’s

that’s a for sure hangover

tropic Thunder is a for sure hang

on okay I’ll see it I keep fucking putting it off

yeah but um

yeah I mean

that movies whatever this

this splice

is way worse

this this splice

plug your ears

bitch I will see it by next

week this is how

crazy it is they make this

thing okay grows really quick

okay and all of a

sudden it’s from a baby

it grows like almost instantly to a

grown woman

so they have this

grown woman

alien thing

and they don’t know

where to keep her so they keep her in a storage room

like nobody goes down there

so they set up a bedroom in the fucking storage

of this place

where they work

and they keep this fucking

alien there

okay the things only been

alive for like a couple

months and then Adrian Brody

fucks no yes I

gotta see it now

now I’m saying

it now I gotta

see it now I

gotta see it’s a fucking

not only is it an

alien like real

crazy it’s got a tail and fucked up legs and everything

but it’s also

3 months old

he’s fucking this

thing it’s 3

months old how’s her body

she’s got tits and she’s kind of like sexy looking

it’s like they took a sexy

chick and just did some CGI on her

wow yeah she

escaped and eats a

rabbit she escapes and she can fly she’s got wings she

flies she lands and eats a fucking

rabbit and they’re not even

freaking out

they’re like why are you doing that don’t do that stop

it’s ridiculous

it’s so bad I’m

gonna see it I’m

gonna see it

that sounds good

Brian so you know you know why you know why he did

he has to go see it yeah he has to

I’m not hurting

it let me tell you something don’t you wish

this movie is so goddamn bad I

think it might turn into one of

those movies it’s like a cult hit

because it’s so bad people are

gonna go see it again and

again now this is what I did hear

about it I heard that

there was actually parts in it that were supposed to be

funny and that has nothing to do with it

oh shut your

mouth they weren’t trying to be

funny if they were

they’re brilliant they said it

in an interview

that a lot of people aren’t getting the

humor of the

movie oh my God you mean the

whole movie

well that’s

the humor I have no

humors the whole

movie it’s ridiculous

are you sure that you weren’t

baked and you didn’t get the

humor that was

a big serious or something

I wasn’t baked at all you know what

in your defense Brian

I think you

might like it

cause you like

crazy shit like that

do you like

Nacho Libre if

you don’t think it’s a nobody like

Nacho Libre if you go in

want to see something

ridiculous you’re

gonna like it but if you go in

thinking you’re

gonna get the shit scared out of you like some new

Alien movie that’s what I thought it was

gonna be when I saw

it looks like she was threatening

in the previews

looks like she’s threatening one of the scientists

I’m like oh they create something and it’s fucking

crazy and it gets out of control

and it’s scary I’m

gonna see it this week and I can’t

wait to discuss it I can’t wait to discuss it with you

I might bring a bag of rocks

fucking throw at you because there has been

there has been

movies that we totally disagree it’s kind of

funny how people get

upset when someone

likes something that they don’t like like iPhones

yeah like anything what

about Mcgruber did you like Mcgruber

did you like I’ve not seen Mcgruber but I When I

first saw the preview

I thought it looked like the dumbest fucking

movie I’ve ever seen in my life yeah

I heard it was

awesome dog shit

I heard it was awesome no I

heard it was dog shit really

Mcgruber I haven’t heard

thing I haven’t

heard it was

stupid on SNL

how the hell did they make a

movie out of

it looks retarded

snl’s like one of those

things that’s really been kept

alive because the YouTube clips

you know like when a good SNL

sketch gets on YouTube and makes you want to watch SNL

again but otherwise I would have no

no Desire it

Kept Alive by

Andy Sandler whatever his name is who’s that

the young guy that makes all

those skits like on a Boat and

stuff that dude’s hilarious

oh is he the one that’s

I’ve never seen that sketch but I heard that song

yeah yeah he’s he does all these like little skits

on Saturday

Night Live and it makes the show in my opinion

that and now

the one main girl on there that’s hilarious dude I

haven’t watched that

live in years I

haven’t watched it so long

but I watch

like a good monologue on YouTube or something like that

there’s just certain shows that

after a while I’m like that’s it done

I can’t keep coming back that well

you know you fucked me too many times

Andy Samberg

I just got into just got into True

Blood you guys in a True

Blood oh no I

watched 1/2 an episode and I was like this

silliness have you got to

watch it from the

first time I’ve

watched so goddamn

tired of vampires

don’t eat people I

mean what kind of nonsense are we they

people barely

well they got

do you know the premise of it yeah they have some fake

blood that they use

and they finally came out

vampires are

out and it’s like

you know it’s like why do you like that show

I dig it dude seriously I’m bored

no I like that’s like mixing

vampires with Gilmore Girls

it’s like that’s the worst shit ever man that’s so

gay I only watched episode one you gotta see the first

I’ve seen the first

whatever season 2 seasons or whatever you saw 2

seasons and it was gay

I hate it I don’t understand

I stopped after 5 episodes no no no

no I was and it was good

there’s been many shows where I’ve

watched because of my girlfriend

and so like that’s one of them

and that I can’t wait to see sex

sex in the City

was 50 times better than that show

but no that show to me was just I can’t I couldn’t even

I was amazed that people like that show I

like fucking I like the promise

I like it Dexter

I never watched that show

i watched dexter i

never watched that show but i did

watch a half

an episode i was like you know what i have just hit

vampire overload

there’s too many fucking

vampire shows man it’s too

silly it’s there’s

too many different rules that people are making up for

vampires now

like oh they can go in the

light but they just sparkle

like fuck you man no there’s some rules for

vampires alright

the rule is

if you’re gonna

drink people’s

blood when the sun comes out you fucking die

bitch you’re supposed to hide you hide in the dark

you can’t be

going to high school

and walking around with everybody cause it’s

cloudy that’s retarded

this is stupid this is fucking

you can’t keep doing this and it’s like

it’s to me it’s a symptom of our

culture all

these vampire

movies are a symptom of our

culture we live in

vampires for real

the reason why people are so into this

it’s like when you

when you look at like how infantile our

culture is we want

to believe that

there is silly fake shit out there like vampires

we believe so much retarded shit

as far as just what

the government feeds us and the news feeds us and what

corporations feed us and

our perceptions of how we have this world

under control and

everything’s fine and

wars or just and all the

crazy shit that we

justify ourselves doing

if we can believe all that shit

you know why not

vampires it’s fucking half a step away

half a step away

is there a movement are there websites

about people that really have

evidence that

vampires really exist

there’s people that

think they’re

vampires for real

people have committed murders because

because of that because they believe they’re

vampires totally there’s people that

think they’re werewolves

you know they

think they’re fucking close holy

that’s rude there’s people that shave their

teeth into fangs

eddie there’s people that shave their

teeth in the fangs

i’ve seen that but that’s the

point time it’s like yeah

okay look the guy’s not undead

and yeah he’s not he’s not

gonna live forever and he’s not gonna

drink people’s

blood to stay

alive but people are

crazy enough to

think that they are

vampires to

truly believe

it and actually go out and murder somebody and

drink their

blood people are that nuts man

what if that’s

real shit if you’re a fucking complete and

total loser

and you have nothing

going on in your life your life is unbelievably bad

and the only

thing that’s

exciting is the thought of

biting someone’s neck and sucking

their blood out and killing them

do you guys what if

vampires are have anunnaki

blood and they just

did you hear about

that king kong

you guys hear

about that case in texas i

think it was two thousand six six six two thousand six

where the woman

named her kids

after satan like they were

named after like satanic names

and then on that day she murdered

them all and they like

drink their

blood or oh my god

really yeah

i think was two thousand six oh man

that satan thing is the surest

sign that you’re fucking bananas

if you believe in

jesus that’s one

thing it seems like

you know i mean

maybe there was a real person that

existed but all the

magic things attributed to him really

and you’re gonna believe that just

cause it was a long time ago

that seems to me to me

completely silly

but it’s acceptable

it’s like okay i

understand where you coming from i

understand that’s what you believe i

understand you know

everybody has

their own point of view

but when you

start talking

about devils

you start talking

about satan

like jesus christ really

you think there’s a fucking bad man

who’s pulling people strings

and tempting you with

pussy and cigarettes and you really you

think that’s real that

a devil makes you make bad decisions

and it makes you rape and beat people up but you

think the devil’s doing that

tempting you

that’s so infantile

it’s amazing that people even consider it

and we know that

there’s there’s a part of us that knows that talking

about the devil’s

ridiculous that’s

why you don’t hear the president talking about it

the president will always talk

about god he’ll

never talk about the devil

the president was like may god bless our

troops you know we believe that god is on our side like

bush said a bunch of

wacky god shit

never once did he say

we’ve found

satan and he’s in iraq

we know where

satan is we’re gonna

drill to the core of the earth

until we find satan

shrek see he’s

at all you mentioned

satan at all and you’re fucking crazy

you can say you know we believe we have

found the actual

cross that jesus was nailed on

and people will go wow holy shit

you can say

we think we

found where satan used to live

though get the fuck out of here

you what huh you

could actually say you can be an archaeologist and you

could say we believe we

found the cross that jesus was nailed on

but if you say we think we

found the box where satan lived in

people would go shut the fuck up

they wouldn’t even talk to you they

wouldn’t even take you serious for a

second they go this

crazy asshole thinks he found where the devil lives

isn’t that crazy

satan is a force dude it’s not a person

it’s not a real guy man

isn’t he a fallen angel i’m confused mean isn’t

he used to be cool

and they talk

shit shitty with god

i’m sorry for going off on true

blood i’m just on team jacob and it kind of gets

it’s alright brother it’s alright man again

werewolves don’t eat people that’s another fucking

thing we want

our goddamn cake and we want to eat it too

we want all the sexy

and none of the murder

werewolf was

stupid right or wolf or

you know what the wolfman was

stupid but i bought

it on dvd because i’m such a sucker for fucking horror

movies that’s how much i love horror

movies i’ll buy mediocre horror

movies and watch them on dvd

i put it on the

background while i was writing

nightmare on elm

street the new one did you see it

no no brian no i like

that actor though that’s that dude from the watchman

he’s the new freddy krueger

the dude who played

rorschach yeah but what’s

wrong with the old freddy krueger

you got it you

got an actor just to look like him freddy krueger

that’s one character he could play

until he’s ninety

eight because the

older he is in real life

yeah that was

cut out the old freddy when he was the shit there was

no what the problem is he became a joke or money

you think you wanted too much money

maybe because i mean seriously

the new guy just had makeup on to look like the old guy

you know so there’s not really any reason

other than that no he looked a little different you did

yeah it looked a little

creepier i saw some

pictures of it online i didn’t see the

movie but it looked a little the new guys is he young

he’s that no

well he’s a little

younger did he play himself was just like a prequel

like they showed

i don’t know i didn’t

that may have been the

fastest robert england’s like 75

i thought it was

just a redo i just i thought you just rebooted it

maybe it is is

robert england is he in bad shape

no i mean i

think i saw on the news he was upset

about it you know i was like

well when you try

to reboot something you want to do a different actor

i mean how many goddamn times they

gonna do the hulk

you know they

did the eric bana one and they’re like damn

what about what

about captain america aren’t they

doing it again or they’re trying it

again i don’t know

i know they did one back like what ten years ago the

hulk is the

weirdest one

though because they did it like a couple years

after the old one

the eric bana came out and then i’d like two or

three years

later the fucking

edward norton one came out when is wonder

woman coming out

i don’t know who

would play wonder woman

megan fox fuck

yeah for sure or scarlett

johansson she’s too

short dude she’s got some big titties

though she’s got it she’s

built like wonder woman

she’s got that wonder ass

shazam wonder

woman got to be tall

yeah but you can make her tall just put her with a

bunch of short people

you put her with a bunch of

short people and you give her high heels that’s how tom

cruise rocks in his movies

you know you just give them

a little lift and put them around people that aren’t as

tall as them

i wonder what the tallest guy is the

starred with tom cruise

probably well

brad pitt talked

about how they had

scenes where

tom cruise had to like

stand on planks and shit and really

try to make them

appear to be the same height

john pitt was

throwing them

under the not

throwing them

under the bus

but they were talking

about it in

the interview and brad pitt was confirming it yeah what

about evangeli

lily doing did i make that up i

might have made that up wonder woman

the girl from lost kate from lost

that would be a hot wonder

woman yeah she’s pretty hot yeah that

would work that

would be megan fox

gotta be wonder

woman for sure

that no one

would question

that she’s not


an interesting

conversation i read with brad pitt talking

about tom cruise

about working on that

movie together and something

about vampire

one yeah yeah interview with the vampire

and saying that he wished that something

about he wished tom cruise wasn’t so competitive

something like you know i wish they

could be better friends if

tom cruise was a more competitive i wish i remember the

quote i hope i’m quoting it correctly

but that’s fascinating you know

for sure cuz brad pitt was just coming up then that was

the new guy

he was just coming up and

tom cruise like

he you know he

campaign for that role

you know he wanted that role

a lot of people did not want him to play that vampire

you know like the and the anne rice

people didn’t take him seriously

because her

work was so serious it was such good writing

and they thought tom cruise

is this cheese ball actor who did top gun all these

stupid movies

you know like this guy can’t play lestat

like this like really intense

vampire but

goddamn that little

freaking act

yeah he pulled that shit off

strong man how good was that a

great movie one of the

great that’s a goddamn

vampire movie

son that’s the real shit

you know i mean that’s a

those are scary monsters

trapped in you know a person’s body

a person you know

their soul is

trapped in this

scary monsters body that needs to eat people

that’s that

movie was badass the little girl

kristen dunst

how fucking creepy was she

little chicken act man

in the lost boys was dude

lost boys come on

bram strokers was the best yeah

come on good one man gary oldman’s the

motherfucker he

crushes he’s the

motherfucker dude

he’s that guy he’s the best

i think he gets into roles

more than anybody does he like

transforms like

remember he

played that fucking drug dealer in true romance

how good was that shit

fuck yeah that movie the

ghetto the ghetto

white guy yeah yeah

yeah the do with the

dreadlocks have you been following gary coleman

shit around lately

i heard anthony

from opi and

anthony say that he thought that gary’s wife killed him

well she was trying to sell

photos of him laying in bed

minutes before he died to tmz

did you hear that

photos and she sold them somebody bought them

but she was

shopping around

she took a bunch of

photos of him in bed like i

guess all fucked up

right before she died

the nurses and doctors all saw it

and then she

shopped around the

photos and somebody just bought them i guess

today or yesterday

how fucked up is that oh my god

he must have had a real tiny dick huh

yeah sometimes

short guys just like mini me sometimes

short guys have big ass dick so it balances itself out

but he probably was

short it doesn’t

it didn’t matter even if he had a big dick he’s

you know he’s

it would have had sad

guy it would

have helped it

would have been

troy is hanging in there he’s partying

that guy’s depressed as fuck at times like

watch my celebrity rehab show

that was horrendous he was on celebrity rehab

yeah oh my god

dude he was the

biggest disaster of all time yeah

not bigger than tom size oh my god dude

cause i only saw last

season that is the best show on tv celebrity rehab

but i haven’t seen anything french roy was like pissing

in his room

like what he was crying

celebrity rehab what was it that was um yeah

that was the one with the

what time is it guy

right like all the all the

be level celebrities

no no celebrity

house or so

what’s that

how was someone’s

gonna talk about it

it wasn’t celebrity rehab

i saw what you’re talking

about yeah yeah he was pissing all over himself

yeah he’s on this little buggy driving around yeah

that way anyway the

point is i don’t

think that guy’s that happy

i think he’s a mess

thank god we have webster

i follow him webster

strong i follow webster

strong just went up

i’m gonna follow him

today what is it

vern troyer

something like that

it’s i’ll find it surreal life

thank you everybody it’s a

real life there

twitter com backslash tinypoop

i think yeah man i

think that’s that’s got to be one of the

greatest tortures in life to be you know deformed

trying to make fun

of your deformity to make a living you know but think

about that most

most people you look at

like someone with no arms no legs and really like our

first instinct is like damn he’s

never gonna be

truly loved he’s never

gonna be desired

like you imagine

being this person who is not desired

no one wants them

sexually you

know but really

when we’re all eventually

gonna be there

because who

like like i’m sure

a hot 22 year old

supermodel would rather fuck

a gray maynard

not gray maynard what’s his name

what’s that the guy

with no arms no legs

oh kyle kyle kyle maynard

yeah then some 90 year old man

you know what i mean

we’re all gonna

we’re eventually

gonna get there we’re

gonna be just so that’s how

about it’s how much people

wanna fuck you desire

the quality of your life no but that in

that’s the instinct that’s when

you look at

someone who’s deformed like oh my god no one’s ever

gonna love them

cause girls are programmed

to stay away sexually

generally from

right burn victims

people that

amputees right we all are cripples yeah we

are it’s a natural

thing so when we look at someone who’s

in a wheelchair we

think fuck that sucks

he’s so young and

he’s fucked but eventually

we’re gonna get there they just got it in advance

we’re all gonna walk through that fire

unless we die early

but we’re all

gonna be just as desired

as that person so

it’s something to think

about it’s like

really what’s life all

about we’re all

gonna end up living half our lives at least

where no one wants to fuck up

how are you

gonna handle

that i think

what’s a much bigger

issue is that they don’t have

freedom they’re locked in a trap of a body and they

never get to be a normal person they’re surrounded by

other people that are normal

that’s the torture man it’s not

just whether or not people want to fuck them yeah but

eddie isn’t in that

yeah it’s hot in here if you’re gonna get

married though

50 of that time you’re

gonna be with somebody maybe that

doesn’t want to be desired by most people

either but you both are undesirable together and you

go you go 20 years without having sex we

had 20 years the desirable

thing is as much of

a you know as a factor with

those people as why me and

you know why did i get

fucked why am i the person with this terrible situation

why can’t i just be normal

i don’t even i mean

sure everybody wants people to love them but i think

what they really want is to just not be a mess you

know to not be a physical mess not be

some sort of a genetic aberration

you know that’s

what the the feeling of the terrible feeling of pain is

you know that’s why

these guys are all fucked up and

angry and gary

come was angry as fuck before he died

you know you always hear

about stories

about him yelling at people

he was he had to work

a regular job man he was working as a security guard

could you imagine

people just come up to him and fuck with him all day

yeah the only reason i know that is

cause the dave chappelle

sketch that he did on gary

called i never

saw that oh it’s amazing oh

no it’s amazing dude what did he do

he plays gary coldman

so he plays the whole

sketch on his knees oh

no security

guard and then some

chick he fights a

chick some chicks

fighting and then they cut to

like the chick

fighting a doll

it’s so bad

a doll in his security outfit

and she’s tossing

very cold around she throws in the minutes

his show was so ridiculous

what was the one

sketch where he was

fighting king kong and he

hit king kong or godzilla hit godzilla with an uppercut

knocked him out

what the fuck was that

it was so ridiculous

which what was that

sketch i don’t know but remember when he

he has that sketch

it was the last

season the unfinished

season where

he goes back and

and he fucks with everybody who told him that

people that

didn’t believe in him like club owners and all that

stuff he blew up

like the old club that

that he was banned from right and

he fucked up his old acting

teacher who told him that he

would never make it so it’s like

and then at the very end when he goes to the comedy

club to blow up the comedy

club he blows it up and he walks out and there’s like a

a lady walking across the

street and he’s so on fire that he blew

the club up and

the club owner was in a

wheelchair and he

threw him down the steps and

let the place on fire

he takes his baby this

random lady’s

crossing the

street takes his baby and

punk kicks the baby right

just out of nowhere

that’s how the

sketch ends

like he was so

happy that he got his revenge

that he grabs his newborn baby

but kicks it

nothing to do with the sketch

so ridiculous this show was so

ridiculous you guys remember the

first episode of different strokes

where mr drummond took his two new boys

willis and arnold

and got it and they all got in the hot

tub together and they were all wearing tighty whities

no it was really creepy as a kid and it

haunts me every day when i

wow how weird is that

i love different

strokes that was one of my favorite shows

it’s gross that todd

bridges was on fear factor

and you know

he’s an angry dude he’s got

i mean he kept it together for the most part up

until the part where

he lost he got eliminated

he didn’t even want to

shake my hand

really he walked away

wouldn’t shake my hand

yeah he was

upset he thought

it was some sort of conspiracy to make him lose

i don’t exactly know

what the fuck he had to do or what it was what he was

upset about

but he was so

upset he didn’t want to

shake my hand i’m like wow

now you see why this dude

you know why his life is kind of fucked up like his

his automatic way of looking at

things is like negative his automatic way of looking at

things like someone’s out to get me

someone’s fuck with me all it ain’t

gonna be fair

oh i see how it is you know it’s like automatically

like do this fucking six people in the show

five of them have to be losers

you go you’re one of the five shit happens man you

gotta move on with your life

but not for him man he’s an angry dude

which is kind of interesting man we were talking

about this before that toxoplasma

that’s that cat

tranquilizer or

the cat parasite rather

we talked about this on

other shows before but i

watched a documentary yesterday and read some articles

about it and

this thing called toxoplasma

is a very common parasite that

human beings get that

completely alters our behavior

and get this in brazil

sixty six percent of the

population is infected with this toxoplasma

and it does two

things it makes

women submissive

and it makes men reckless jerks

makes men assholes and it makes

chicks submissive

it sounds like

like brazil ecstasy

dude no no no not like that

it makes men reckless

it makes them

cope shit like coke no no no

no it reprograms the mind it’s a parasite

this is the

crazy thing the parasite exists

first in rats

and what it does with rats is it gets rats convinced

that it rewires

their sexual

brain the sexual aspect of the brain

and it gets

them to be aroused and connected to cat piss

so these rats

it hijacks their

sexual system

so their sexual

system all of a

sudden becomes sexually aroused like

their testes

swell their balls swell

because they

smell cat piss

so these motherfuckers are searching

after cat piss so they’re

going towards

where cats live

where cats mark

their territory

they’re attracted to that

and they’re

not afraid of cats anymore for whatever reason

so the cats obviously eat

these rats because the rats are retarded they

stand there

while the cat’s there

with their balls all

swollen and a heart on

the cat eats them

the cat eats the rats

then the cat hangs around with people

and we have to

clean the cat shit

and when people

clean the cat shit sometimes people

touch the cat shit

and if you touch the cat shit and it gets inside your

bloodstream through either an open swore

or maybe something in your food or

maybe an open

you know you

touch your eyes or something like that

that shit gets in your body man

and 60 million

people in this country are infected by it

and it affects your behavior it

changes your behavior you get it from blowjobs

maybe you could get it from raining

you get it from

touching raw meat as well the

yeah it’s yeah 60 something

million people in this country are affected by and

they said a disproportionate

amount of people who die in

motorcycle accidents

one of the things he was talking about was

that they would

test motorcycle accident

victims for toxoplasma because the toxoplasma this

parasite that

you know this cat parasite

makes people

do nutty shit makes people wild cats used to rule the

world maybe they used to like

used to be bigger than it is now

maybe that’s

what the cats

really the world

thing is are

people getting rid of the cats now

are you getting rid of your cats no no keep

your cat away

from he’s all

submissive yes

maybe but he then be a hebrew woman

but look if you think

about brazilians brazilian men are notoriously

aggressive brazilian

women notoriously

submissive and sexual

maybe that’s what it is i mean 66

two out of three women

of childbearing

age are infected with this

cat parasite i wonder if it has something to do with

their asses

if there’s a

connection you

think that’s why they put

their ass in that i mean there’s a reason

there’s a reason that 85

of all women

between the ages of 18

and 48 have

great asses in

rio there’s

gotta be something and it

could be cat piss it

could be the milk

and why do cats put their

butt up in the air when you tap on it

cause they want you to get that dirty shit

yeah that’s

right he’s like no look i got

this for you well that’s on this

that’s an interesting

thing that you said that because that’s one of the

things that this

one of these articles was saying was that

people who are normally

polite people when they sneeze

will sometimes inadvertently or


turn towards people and sneeze

like they don’t even realize why they’re doing it like

they almost have an instinct to turn towards people and

sneeze i’ve seen people do it before wow

where they go like this

like you stand

like literally weird

you you have like your your body

is trying to get you to fucking blow a

sneeze on somebody this is the theory

how many cats

do you have

very possible if you think

about what it does to cats

and what it does to people

it’s very possible that some viruses could

try to get you to be attracted

to people when they expel

how many cats do you have i have two but joey diaz has

ten or nine

what the fuck cocksucker

stop bringing up my cats

y’all need i got a good amount

y’all need to get tested seriously

yeah not just like

i’m being real here no totally dude

if you think

about that if if

if your cat has ever been outside you

think your cat may have eaten a rat

you know oh my cats have

never been outside yeah well then i don’t

think you have to worry

about what is the

thing in brazil they leave

those cats out a little what’s the cured

anyway you’re fucked

you might have to change the cat

box with condoms on the

no that’s not a cure

yeah what way

to keep you from infecting

other cats well with the know

exactly yeah no it’ll keep

you from getting and getting in your porch

right but that’s not a cure that’s a preventive

method but once you get it i don’t

think you could do anything

about it the cure is just a water bottle that you

spray yourself with like you know

it’s fascinating when you think

about that your whole life could get

hijacked like some parasite

could literally take over your body

and talk your body into living a totally different life

and what the doctor was talking about is the scientist

suplaski i believe his name is

what he was talking

about was that the idea of free will

is really an illusion like there’s a

bunch of mitigating factors that

cause you to move

in one direction or another and make certain decisions

you know and so the

think that you have complete free will is kind of silly

if you go on amazon there’s a

urine detector for cat urine

and if you ever buy

just be warned it

doesn’t just detect

urine it detects a lot of

gross shit so

try it’s kind of cool what

i like calm like if you put on your bed it’s just like

every all this shit comes up it’s pretty

scary dude but that you’ve seen

those inside

edition things

where they go to like

right hotel rooms and

check the covers oh dude dude just

jizz all over the covers

it’s like a goddamn jackson pollock

painting every time you walk in a room with a

black light

it just loads

everywhere loads all over the

floor loads on the wall you’ll find loads

everywhere i have

several times i’ve

pulled out a load and just

just let it drip on the fucking carpet just

in a hotel dude

have you ever thrown your

just spilled the carpet might have

i’m just not thinking about i’m not judging you

i might have for sure but i can’t remember any you ever

throw your cum on the wall at a hotel room i’ve

never done that no

try it it’s so awesome just take a look just

throw it on the wall like spider man the fuck

is wrong with you never done that do it

that is the nastiest

fluid it’s really pretty much the same

thing as it’s not

you know it’s phlegm

but the fact that it also can make babies

you know it just makes it ultra

nasty it’s weird how some girls love the

taste of it and some girls don’t

if you had to choose between eating a dude’s snot

and eating a dude’s load

for sure you’re gonna go with snot what

you would take the load

i thought they meant chicks

yeah say if a guy’s got a gun to your head and so

you’re either gonna eat this load

or you’re gonna eat some

snot you’re like all right i’ll eat your snot yeah

eating your snot is just rude but what if the

snot was coming from the guy’s dick also what

that doesn’t even make sense like it somehow they put

in their ultimate world yeah

yeah yeah yeah

like a pastry right

right come from a dick or snot from a dick which one

would you take what are those pastry things called

those pastry squeezers

i don’t know

i don’t cook

imagine you could do that you stuff

stuff someone’s not up your look of your dick like that

and then squeeze it out dick spit

dick spit i like that one i’m gonna use that

have you guys been to

six flags lately no

i just have

i just found out it was like i live like 15

miles away from it so i got a

season pass go to the pool and stuff

like 15 miles

it’s amazing

though if you go on the rides during the day

it’s amazing like how

the people that work

their roller

coasters like

if you go on the highest biggest roller coaster

you get the best employees i

guess that work at

six flags but if you go on

that one boat that just rocks up and down

you obviously have the

worst employees

i had one guy and i

swear to god

he might be

mentally handicapped

so i don’t want

you know but he’s

literally is like

hey everybody

like seriously

he’s operating the ride operating the ride

like i don’t

even like i looked at him i’m like can i put my

water bottle on the ground here and he just was like

like glassy stare

like he had no idea he was even there

and i recorded and he’s operating the ride yeah

every you have a

video this i

have i don’t have

video but have his

voice of us getting on the ride

oh my god and i’ll play it

but it by the way man

have you been on like the roller

coasters they’ve been playing

or that they have out nowadays x2

is insane i will

never do that for x2

x2 is not like it’s not like regular roller coasters

flipping around

where you see

where you’re

going you see the loops

they flip you upside down

you’re upside down you’re

going backward

start out backwards

it’s fucking horrifying you did it yeah

there’s no way you can’t be

smooth my toes

were curling yeah that that’s the one that does like

like five different

is like five dimensions or whatever they say

is that what the one you’re talking

about where it’s like spins up and down

while you’re

going upside down you got the

video yeah here it is

alright explain this again

for people just

tuning in all

right this is the swing ride

where you get on like like you know like a serious

six flags yeah and it’s

about to get on the ride and this is the guy that

there’s a guy operating the ride that was really dumb

scary something very scary

right now listen

he called me and fuck on our journey

he thought that i’d please do not rock

please kick or hold on to the pirate in front

or behind you or you will have to watch this land

if at any time you start to feel dizzy

and wish for your attention and

over your mouth and where the other in my direction

as far as possible

as possible

thank you oh my god that was pretty incredible

that’s insane

that guy’s the guy who’s operating this fucking

death machine yeah

and i like i had said

i had said something to him

and i had said something to him and he looked at me

right in the eye but it was like glass

it was like wow this guy is not like this murder guy

i mean you know

maybe the dude is

super responsible just because he has this

tremendous speech impediment

maybe he’s a super responsible

super conscientious guy

maybe he’s deaf dude

have you ever thought about that

maybe he was deaf maybe you

can hear people

screaming to stop the ride that can’t be good

maybe you are if you’re the fucking dude who’s got

the hand on the ride button dude that ride was nothing

babies go on

those rides

it’s like a

merry go round

with swings what was it

which one was it

that one that

right that one is the one

which just spins in a circle which is

swings but but

still i mean it’s a ride you know and then

right okay so you

still think it’s too dangerous for retarded

well i mean it’s something

where’s the happens

you think he had a

what do you think was

wrong with them i

think it was special

maybe special special

ed special olympics

there’s no way that what

there’s no way

magic mount

would hire a retard okay but

what if there’s so

there’s there’s all sorts of

levels of impairment

human being suffer

maybe he passed a test like with

colors and stuff

is there a test

probably what do you

think the test is

like colors and

shapes like

those shapes that you put

in like the circles that’s why it seems like the test

would be there

you know the odds of getting killed in one of

those accidents is very very slim

but when it happens god damn that must suck

you know you put yourself on some

wacky roller coaster that flips you around you wind up

dying can you imagine hanging out with a dude

we gotta get a deaf dude and

on crystal mouth

where you just can’t shut up haha

you mad that we just won’t shut up

he’s got so many stories to tell you

by the way the guy was not deaf because when i

asked him the question he turned around when i

asked about the water bottle

it’s four twenty by the way hollow

so he’s not deaf he wasn’t deaf

so you think he maybe had some sort of autism

or something

something like that maybe but

with speech impediment

for sure right right

and what’s ridiculous is that on another ride

again it wasn’t like the biggest ride it was like

it was called the ninja which is a roller coaster

but they were like going to check everybody’s like

straps and stuff and the guy just

like you see him

checking it and then he goes

to mine and he just touched it like he just tapped it

i’m like you

weren’t even

lifting or anything you just touched it just

touching it does not

check anything you know

like i was like did he just touch it

you know what i mean like how they lift

it they assume that it’s

set but yeah that guy’s

it could be

loose and you can go flying out

yeah and then

what a fucking

scary way to die that must be

and then there was

this guy that

he kept on we were waiting in line for

a raft ride and it was really hot

and so every couple minutes he

would splash

everybody that’s in line with

water like he was the lifeguard

he was the one

that pushed you down over the side in this raft

but every couple minutes he would like

splash you and he kept on like fucking kicking

water in my face

so when i got up there

i just started fucking kicking

water back at him and he goes

and he blows the

whistle goes hey

we got a problem here i’m like

wait wait i can’t

splash you you just got done fucking

splashing me for 15 minutes

now i feel like i’m getting in

fights with people that are here to

make sure i

cook that but is that a part of the ride

that he splashes you no no no this is

while we’re waiting in line

so he’s just being a dick he’s just being a dick like

spraying people with water

and he was doing it like

he probably hit me like

three or five times

while did you ask him to stop no

everyone in

line was like what the fuck stop you know

there was like parents and

stuff and kids and

the kids were liking it

but you know it’s like hey so the kids were lagging it

yeah but so you

have the party

pooper no i

splashed them back i was like hey that’s you know

here’s the thing

that you have to consider

back to the subject of parasites when you’re at

those water parks man

have to be real careful

of swallowing that water

that water is funky as

fuck dude i saw really dangerous

turd in in the

water oh dude no

doubt there’s like a pool

like a wave pool and then they have like a

small like pool for just like kids and

stuff like that hey man i know a

burden i know a

woman who was a

nurse and her

daughter went to one of

those parks swallowed some

water and got horribly sick and became paralyzed

she got some sort of terrible infection

she was deathly ill

and she wound up with a

limited use of her legs man what

yeah are you serious dude infections can fuck with your

whole system that

horrible infection

you know cole

escovido you know cole

escovito he had

staff and he was paralyzed man

he almost couldn’t walk

again it took him like

over a year to recover from that shit

you can get an infection dude that just

wrecks your

whole life and

those water parks are

prime that water is not

clean at all that

water is death

you swallow a

mouthful of that

water like if you go to a

water park with your kids

you gotta be real upfront with them

about this you

gotta say you cannot take this

water into your

mouth this is bad dangerous water

for real it

sounds ridiculous but

you really shouldn’t take your kids on

those slides

or those water rides

they get a mouthful of that shit

you little four year old

who doesn’t know any better they

could get fucking

deathly ill they could die

did you know you’re not supposed to swallow

even a drop

of toothpaste

yeah toothpaste has fluoride

in it it’s poisonous yeah

fluoride is bad for you

it’s really bad

i used as a kid when i was like

drunk driving i

would keep toothpaste in my car

and i would like put it in my

mouth and swish it in between

mouth and swallow it

yeah well you’re

dying now that’s why

you’re rotting

out from the inside

that’s why you got that cat piss

going on it’s

fighting the cat piss my fluoride

dude it’s no joke man fluoride is

scary shit yeah that’s the reason why it kills

everything in the

water and everything in your

mouth it just seems like you

should tell people that hey this

thing that you put in your

mouth don’t swallow it

no one ever

i buy that hippie

i buy hippie

toothpaste i buy that

uncle tom’s of maine

stuff it doesn’t have any

anything or tom’s have made

uncle tom i made him

uncle i used to eat some guy

you used to eat tv

guys tv guys

seriously that’s how poor i was

i would turn on pieces of

paper i would

i would like

eat like a complete page but i would

snack on little

pieces of it are you fucking serious

seriously had like this witness

i guess i was mineral deficient or something and needed

fiber or something wow

i see the tv guide

i used to eat boogers

you guys everyone used to eat boogers

right no no i wasn’t ever

into boogers i was

in the dirt and

grass i like

taking like a real

wet a tangy

sloppy booger

and you just keep rolling it working it on your finger

until it’s a

solid ball and then you eat it and i would

munch on it

it’s like making bread you know what i mean

i’m fighting back a dry heave

i used to eat grass so long time ago

i used to eat

grass so much as a kid that now i could get wheat grass

juice and i love the

taste of wheat grass just

because i used to eat so much grass as a kid wow

i fucked up the day at jamba

juice i totally did not mean to do this

but there’s this girl she

got me my wheat grass juice

and she goes do you want an orange

chaser with it and i go no i’m okay i’m like oh this

stuff is nasty

and i downed it

and she goes

she goes you think it’s

nasty i love the

taste i go oh that’s

cause you’re a cow

oh you really

did but i didn’t mean that though what i mean

what are you a cow

was it fat pig

no she wasn’t

but every girl

thinks she’s fat

but it was a dude

you know we were joking around

before that you know it was like all friendly talk

and i just i totally didn’t you can’t call a girl a cow

you could tell a dude a cow

like if a guy said like you know

i’d like to

taste a wheat

grass like what are you a fucking cow like

you’d be joking around with them like as long as you’re

laughing and smiling

it would be all fun

but with a girl you could

never call her a cow

i could call you a cow

if you’re eating grass

i’m like what are you a fucking cow

yeah that’s

everything you

would laugh or you

could call a

white guy like if he’s a

beast that motherfuckers a gorilla

right right

i call you a

gorilla all the time yeah you can’t say that

about a black dude

yeah you can’t they get mad

yeah what are you guys saying

what are we saying why

would they get mad

what you what the fuck

brian why are you even

bringing it up

i totally right

after it came out of my

mouth i wanted

to take it back but then i didn’t want to address it

i didn’t want to

anyway i really don’t mean you’re a cow

it was a terrible idea to joke that i wasn’t thinking

i just said it and then

after i’d escaped my

mouth i was like oh you dick

but it didn’t mean to be a dick

so i’m in this new part of a relationship

where when i fart

i can’t say it’s a fart yet so how do you get to that

part of the relationship

where you can just like haha i farted

you know cause i’m so tired of

don’t go there

don’t go there

it’ll kill everything i know but

be honest is the sex

drive exactly

where it was

was from the

from the beginning to

the way it is now same thing yeah

absolutely has it

tapered off at all no no

don’t fart it’s getting way

better don’t fart

good reason to

have all those

animals around the

other day it was

so bad i had no excuses i couldn’t say the cat did it

cause i’ve said it so many times

and luckily she didn’t say a word

you know you

should just ignore it no just

you know in the middle of the

night while you’re sleeping

punch her in the nose

and then her nose will

swell up she’ll

get a deviated septum it makes it much harder to

smell farts

yeah farting in your

sleep and you ever fart

so loud you wake up in your sleep are

you okay to fart in

front of your girl i don’t

just out of respect

did you leave the room i accidentally

leave the room sometimes

like if she walks in like she walk into my office

i’m like you better back the fuck up i just farted

you know i don’t fart in

front of it

cause i don’t want her fart in

front of me

this is what i’m

thinking is there’s times

where i have to fart

really really bad but i’ll just hold that

motherfucker and then i fall asleep

is there any way you hold it

while you’re

still asleep no there’s no way

no way i had an ex

girlfriend wake me up

cause she was farting

she farted so loud it woke me up and i was like

what the fuck did i hear

and i was like look at her ass and then a

second one came out

like a really loud one

and then she woke up she was like

what happened i go

yeah what happened

then i went back to

sleep you know

those vacuums that they have at the car wash

places you know what i mean

if they’d have one

right by your bed you just all right

like a smoker

like a smoking

you’d always have to think

about things

stuck to your ass

what i did last gone bro

what i did last

night is i got

tip off the internet

is that you take a little bit of vicks

vaporub and

put around your asshole so even if it does far just

smells like vicks vaporub

so on the internet

got a tip to do that yeah you try that your asshole’s

gonna light on fire

that’s terrible advice bro

you can’t put chemicals in your assholes

right now you gotta put capsaicin

right on your

butthole your butthole is like open sores

it’s like an open wound

you know it’s super

super open skin it’s incredible how

air tight it is because you know

there’s like a gigantic explosion like

right there at the end but you can’t

so what can you do besides vapor rub that would tell

you like if you rub like

shaving cream or alcohol

aftershave on your hands it never bothers you at all

but if you rub that shit in your balls it’s

gonna fucking hurt

and your balls like

you dip your dick in it if you dip your dick in that

stuff and it touches like that soft tissue

you put that around your asshole

what about just some bubble gum or something

just bubble gum

plug it up with some bubble gum before you go to bed

put roses around it

like glue roses

around it so it goes through a rose filter some

lemon juice

maybe that’s what you could do

make a filter out of roses like a diaphragm

right it has little

stickies on it on the side

and you stick it

right to your butthole so it’s like a filter

so when you fart it goes through it was an snl

sketch like

maybe 15 years ago it was a

commercial parody

where they go

now you can you know

no more embarrassing

farts whatever they take a big horn

stuck a big horn in your ass

and then when you

would fart there’d be an electronic

voice that said

how about them dodgers

oh i remember that yeah

i remember that it

was like the

worst thing ever

somebody it

was just how

about them dodgers

and then it did filter out your fart

smell it is pretty incredible when you

think about all the

technology that we have that we have zero invested

in farts we have nothing invested in

cleaning up the

smell of farts

there’s no product

farts are like a normal part of everyone’s day

and yet there’s no

technology that

exist to try to deal with there

should be like a fart sucker

built inside the seat cushion

where you sit down

and it’s like

right there

and you could

secretly just

press that button

why don’t they have filters

they have a filter on the top of my litter box

so that i don’t

smell my cat’s shit

there’s a charcoal filter

why don’t they make filters for your

underwear if you like

if you like to eat a lot of mexican food or if you’re

going out drinking you know you’re

gonna be farting

why don’t they have some filters

yeah that’s a good idea like

like fart kotex

yeah exactly like far kotex

buildings your underwear

your saturday night

party and short

velcro and shit

this is your saturday

night party and

underwear and they have

built in charcoal filter yeah or

they’re scented

like strawberries or something like that

like a butt plug to dig

because you

gotta fuck with the

noise too the

noise is gonna fuck ever so you need to

stick something in your ass like

maybe a couple inches

and then it just

makes something realistic well

the noise would be way

muffled if you got a cortex over your butthole

uh how much

not a real loud one

right not my farts

i’ll tell you what i’ll tell you what i’d say

tate fletcher

would be their fucking product management guy

he’d be the one to test to see the

efficacy of their

individuals filters

it would be

sound though is white

trench coat

sound you fucking clipboard tate

he’s like organizing

he’s like head of the science team like it’s

and it’s all built around his gas

scope you like put this death to go real

near stomach

to try to determine whether i was ready to fart

did you fart no it’s hot as fuck it’s hot i got my ac

broken this side of the house

i gotta get it fixed

get some mexicans to fix that hey

what the fuck

again with the mexicans man

jesus so speaking of mexicans the

gulf of mexico the the fucking oil spill

they’ve just determined

that the oil is coming out in multiple locations

they’ve just confirmed

that it’s not just this one spot so even if they

dig this relief well it

still might be fucked

cause the oil’s coming out from

all these different spots like very far away from each

other it’s a fucking mess dude

has it fucked up cancun yet

i don’t know

dude once it goes around the florida

and goes up the

coast that’s

crazy because i mean just

think myrtle

beach florida

beaches all that shit

you’re not gonna be able to swim in that

beach on the east

coast yeah all

those beaches

are jack dude it

might go to england

yeah the whole

thing that’s fine it’s so

incredible that they don’t have a way to stop the oil

that they’re allowed to make

these things and not have fail saves you

would think there

would be a bunch of set fail saves

if there’s a

rupture in this line we shut it off here there’s a

rupture here we shut it off here

this way we can

absolutely ensure there will be no pollution

comes out of this what

kind of animals are

gonna evolve and thrive in the oil

crazy beasts

probably not

gonna happen what’s probably

gonna happen

maybe millions of years from now if it kept

i’m talking what’s

gonna happen to kill all

these animals off

oh make believe

on something

fire monster

some fucking dragon that eats the oil

and then stores it like a special gland

and it’s got rocks in the back of his

throat that’s how it

sparks up the

flame he shits cold

how many dragons are there in ancient

cultures and where the fuck did that come from dragons

still exist man

i went to the zoo and some of these lizard things

those looked like komodo dragons

right that shit’s

crazy if you just

have you seen a komodo

yeah i think komodo dragons were just like

dwarfs of their big old

so you think

like the chinese dragon came from someone saw like

a crocodile

or kimono dragon

and just drew it

the story went

dude drawing

is being misinterpreted

you know like when you were saying that dude

like there was drawings of people with tails and

stuff that’s

right it’s just some gay guy that

some dude was drawing you know like he’s

dressed up as a dragon or it

could have been like

you know the national enquirer for 6 000 years ago they

just making shit up

exactly right

yeah that’s possible

okay if you had to believe in one

dragons or vampires

you had to choose one dragons

dragons fucking

vampires dude

vampires are so

stupid don’t forget

about ariel

think about that

think about that i believe what

werewolves before

name one cool dragonfly

no i believe

vampires before i believe werewolves because i think

vampires what

could it be is

it could be some sort of a parasite

something that hijacks your

system yeah but

vampires must be dead

and you can yeah but what if the parasite hijacks your

aging system too

and keeps you

alive but it makes you feast

on blood by where

was could be

just the idea of a

blood sucking person

a person lives off blood

that a parasite could

trick you into

doing that that is way more possible than a werewolf

someone changes back and forth to another animal

and then back

again that’s

ridiculous so you’re saying that sun can burn people

during the day

no but i could

say that if they

if they had some sort of a crazy

blood problem

you know where they may be intensely

anemic they

might have like a real aversion

to sun they

might lose the pigment in their eyes

it’s possible man if you think

you see the shit that parasites do do to

different insects

different caterpillars

and bugs and

ants and all sorts of different

things their

whole bodies get hijacked by parasites

completely rewires

their entire

system it happens to

frogs it happens to lizards

so many different animals

exist in the animal kingdom

recently discovering new parasites

that hijacked new hosts who

caused them to do

so let’s get this straight the cat parasites make

women more horny

it makes women more

submissive it makes

i mean there’s all sorts of

you know interpretation

of what how it exactly affects them but

it seems to

make men and

women the opposite makes men more aggressive

and are they

gonna borrow

some crazy guy

with a beard

down it doesn’t calm them down brazilian

women aren’t calm

well then that

doesn’t make

sense then because they’re wild too

and they have to deal with all

those wild men

so it makes them extra

wild what are you saying man

this is all

based off the research

of one guy right

no no no no no is this

based no no no no no talk so

toxoplasma is

very well established no i mean that’s overtaking like

this no no no this no

no it’s not

how do they know

what he says

six million people

or 60 million people rather in america have it

is the cdc if you look

online there’s many different studies many different

ports many different

scientists working on this

toxoplasma is a very real parasite that is

actually detectable in people

that they know

is also responsible in part or connected in part

to all sorts of different

psychological ailments

yeah but the part that it’s

schizophrenia making girls

submissive that part of this

whole thing

no that’s not just one guy

saying this no

it’s a bunch it would also

it changes all sorts of animals i said it changes rats

makes them attracted cat piss

changes men makes them assholes

makes them reckless

i mean it’s really fascinating

stuff that when

you when you hear that guy’s research and you think

about how many different parasites might

exist that we don’t even know about

yeah did your mic

to some plug mine yeah

no i hear me you don’t hear me

my shit don’t

worry check

check check

check there we go

but i can’t hear you we can’t hear joe that’s the thing

yeah your mic just went out

what about now

check check

okay how much was out

check just for like

20 seconds yeah okay

talking about cat piss

anyway we know

that these parasites

exist and we know that

these parasites affect people

and if we know there’s just a couple of them

how do we not know that there’s a

bunch more that we

haven’t detected yet what about

did you as a kid used to eat

those green

weeds with the

yellow flower on the top did you ever eat those

the dogs would

piss on them

dogs would pee on them and i

would eat them

oh dandelions

the green stalks

with a yellow flower at the top yeah that’s a dandelion

dandelions you eat yeah you eat the grass

dogs piss on them all the time

take about the

parasites i got in my balls right now

kiss is good for you

oh man you have some sort of

crazy piss parasite

have you ever thought

about that how

crazy that is though that if there really is

an animal parasite that makes people

like aggressive it makes

women submissive

like that is brazil

dudes are super

aggressive cocaine

yeah i don’t

that makes cocaine

makes women submissive

it makes them drop to

their knees

immediately that’s just because they need that coke

right they’re just

happy to get that coke

no i think crazy the coke makes them immediately

submissive yeah i

think it’s coke too

definitely remember

larry used to have coke

around just you don’t want to

blow up anywhere spot

no one knows who larry is

the cable guy

that’s one thing i’ve

never fucked with and i’m very glad

never tried that shit

never fucked with it

i knew too many people that had real problems with it

i’ve done coke

maybe five times in my

whole life maybe

three to five times sucks

scary pussies well

they say you got to get that rockstar

coke that’s what uh

tom sawyer from cobbs in san francisco

he’s always saying you gotta get that rock star coke

shit i read somewhere something

about coke how there’s bad coke

going around now

that like will eat your skin like it has some kind of

fucking chemical in it that just

starts burning your skin what

ah fuck i don’t i

gotta google this now

bad cocaine

what was it you were telling me

about tylenol what the fuck is

going on with tylenol so

if you try to get

tylenol right now i

guess there’s this huge

tylenol like

where they pulled it from the

store shelves

and what’s crazy

is that i did some research on it

and it seems like

so they did all

these things

where they went to the factories

where tylenol was made and they

found like bacteria

inside tylenol they found

the chemicals that were being made to make

tylenol were off like there was too

much of one chemical and not enough of another chemical

so it could possibly have got

made kids sick

and so they pulled off

tylenol off the shelves i guess

but then the other day

there was this report that came out

there was this report that came out

that johnson and johnson the company that owns

tylenol or whatever

hired this third

party company from san diego

to act like customers and go into grocery

stores and buy all this one product off the shelf

like they were doing a phantom recall

meaning they didn’t want to tell anybody or anyone to

know so they hired a company to go into grocery

stores and do

pharmacies to take this product off their shelf

and then they got caught and then a month

later they recalled

this other drug it’s just like

tying all i forget the name of it

it was like another one of the

kids tying all or something

something like that how much have you looked into this

seriously it was like a half hour today i just

read around today

but ty and all

johnson johnson was supposed to give over to the fda

like this report

about their findings and

stuff like that

and they missed the deadline i

think the deadline was yesterday or two days ago

they missed the deadline so something

might be up with

tylenol so if you have any

tylenol from

2008 you might want to go

check it out

throw it away or do whatever you have to do

because there was another report i was reading as

i say something like there was 30

deaths related to

tyronol in the last two years

and they don’t know if that’s connected or not either

so i don’t know

google search

tyronol recall

there’s some

crazy shit going on with some

tyronol right now

wow they’re saying that

the pharmacist that we were at

said that there

might not be tyronol

until 2011 damn

who was fuck who’s who got in

trouble for cyanide

they’re saying there’s

potential criminal

charges and indictments yeah that’s what they’re saying

about tylenol yeah

what the and it’s

crazy cause you pay

extra for tylenol you know your

tylenol’s like more expensive than like the

average paid

brand right and you

would think that they would have

their shit together a little bit better than fucking

first toyota now this

what’s next fucking coca cola

imagine that

shit well as the economy

starts to fuck up as you know people

start to make less and less

money you’re

gonna see more and more problems i’m sure

less and less research is

gonna be done less and less you know

fail safe measures

did you watch the last comic

standing last night

no i gave up on that show a long time ago was it

good i didn’t

watch it but i

heard it was okay

well fucking fascinating

yeah last comic

standing man i just don’t like the fact they

make them sit in a room

and do stand up comedy for

three people

you know that to me is just like what

that’s how they’re

gonna audition

they’re gonna

stand in front of

three people and one of them is

gonna try to pretend that they’re

simon is that what happens

one runs really mean is that how they do it

if you had a tremendous

migraine headache

and you only had two

things tylenol

or cocaine what

would you do

cocaine wow you

trust cocaine

that you don’t even know

where it came from

could come from some

fucking greasy immigrant

you can trust cocaine

over a nice american name

brand like tylenol so they made a few mistakes brian

how many good pills they put out huh

millions and millions and millions of people

all across the world

have had relieved headaches because of

tylenol and you want to hate because

they fucked up a little bit here and there that’s deep

come on man that’s deep

tylenol doesn’t get you laid

cocaine does wow i just got a good point

you know i got

some tylenol

baby if you

crush up tylenol

to powder like joey diaz

that’ll get you laid

the girls that you can only fuck because

you’re giving them coke you really shouldn’t fuck them

what models

no the fucking

people don’t really

wanna fuck you

that’s what i’m saying you know they fuck the factions

that like tylenol you

should only fuck girls who

wanna fuck you you shouldn’t fuck girls who

wanna fuck you for coke

i mean you gotta do what you

gotta do that’s the only way you can get laid i

understand your position i got cocaine

or i got my personality

which one you want baby if you have

two possibilities one

fucking girls who actually

wanna fuck you and two

fucking girls that you can only fuck

cause you give them drugs i

would say go with number one yeah

right yeah everybody wants

the person who’s fucking them to like to fuck them

nobody wants to be fucking some coked up

chick who’s

just got her

half an eye on the

nightstand at all times looking over at that mirror

while you’re banging her just wants another line

yeah but what if you’re

annoyed with the chick

you just want

her to fuck out but you want to drop and load first

then coke’s perfect

i guess but

doesn’t she want more coke

isn’t that the thing

about coke is you never

get rid of them they’ll be cool for like two hours

you give them a little bit and they’ll

think that’s enough

you just give him the

coke and tell him to

leave with some coke

and you tell him you’ll

meet him at the club and you got more coke you’re gonna

bring all the coke

meet him at the

club who has

locked the door

who has more aspirin

stories than joey diaz

what the fuck

i fucking crushed up aspirin

tell us a joey

story let me tell you something this is one time this

chick was like

i just need to get a line

i just need to get my dick suck

what a coincidence so we back

go back to my

place i’m telling this

bitch i got the best fucking coke ever

this shit’s coming straight

from pablo escobar

he delivered it himself

he came over on a fucking donkey with a

sombrero on

and a fat bag of coke

hold on honey i’m

gonna get it i’ll be

right back i went to the bathroom i

started fucking

chopping up all

these different pieces of

vitamins vitamin fucking b

and fucking

talcum powder and shit

i laid a couple of lines i

stuck it in her

mouth i shot off a load

before she even knew what hit her i was gone

i’m saying dog

you know me

you know i roll dog

oh shit we gotta get out of here

i realize the cops are coming at noon run

i got her out to the fucking front

i got my car

i told her take a left at the

light i’ll meet you down the street

i took a right

fuck her i’m gone

i got on the freeway

got off the first exit

fuck you i win

put away the whip

party’s dead

nice that’s a good joke that was my joey dears

impression you do like such a good in paris

okay okay review reviews joey d

is joey what do you think about this whole

cat piss thing

listen that’s a soft spot in my heart

you know i got cats you know i love them to death

but the bottom line is

i’m an asshole

and i live with a bunch of fucking cats

i think he’s probably got it joey oh

totally has it totally has it joey

brings in cats from outside yeah

he brings in like

monster cats

like remember he was always talking

about the samurai

that cat that had the big scars all over his face yeah

that’s a wild tomcat

he is one of the guys

that’s a grown

adult that subscribes to cat fancy

magazine that actually keeps that

magazine in business

which i can’t believe

cat fancy still has a subscriber subscribe to cat

fancy fuck yeah

yeah but then you get like real

magazines you know like whatever time

magazine or whatever that hurting

cause the economy but yeah cat

fancy one of joey

would freak out if we he

wouldn’t watch that

dvd and i don’t

think you’d read that article

you’d have to show them a documentary on

the cat parasite i used

to be a documentary

are you concerned at all

about the oil

spill or anything how does that affect your life

directly it affects me because i

think it’s gonna be i mean joey

oh oh thank you

listen eddie bravo look at me do i look like a s’more

i look like i get in the fucking ocean and dodge sharks

what am i fucking aquaman cocksucker listen

this is what i’m gonna do i walk down to the wheat

store i’m gonna roll a joy up

say a prayer to the mother

i hope they fucking clean this shit out if not i

guess i’m not going swimming

what’d he say

what the fuck i got enough problems in my own life okay

you gotta give a fuck

about a greasy pelican

you got oil on you you fuck

oh man tough shit

fly away motherfucker you got wings

you gonna sit there and let the oil hit you fuck you

you finally got texting

about six months ago you’re in the

why you busted my balls any problem what do you think

about the iphone and hd camera and all that shit you’re

gonna go into the iphone now i

what do you think joey doing the iphone

but i don’t know you tell me he wants an iphone back

listen no he’s too old

school for that

no he wants an iphone he just got a iphone

you know like one of

those phones that are acting like the iphone

he did yeah what do you get

droid sprint

iphone i don’t

know someone

sprint sprint

he was supposed

to be here this week is joey

gonna get an iphone you

think he would

eddie bravo listen to me

i’m old school

i barely barely get on that fucking

thing to text you hear me

you think i’m

gonna get there

and we’re gonna fucking

do apps together oh

let’s play donkey kong we’re fucking heather

come on you get

online with my laptop through your asshole and you’re

gonna fucking connect it with a fucking usb cable

i don’t need all this nonsense in my life

i don’t need all this aggravation i’ll go to the wheat

store i’m a

roll a joint i’m

gonna walk down to the fucking

wheat store

all right i’m not hurting nobody

i’m not bothering nobody

did your weeds

store close no

here am i no

did they close

them down they’re closer a bunch

because they’re too

close to churches

parks or schools

you have to be within a certain feet

from a church a park or school

i don’t know

how many it is but it’s like a thousand or some shit

which is pretty far

i checked all of my

places and none of them are closing

how ridiculous is

it that you can’t be near a park because that’s

where all the illegal dealers

it’s almost

like the illegal dealers got in on the action yeah

i think we value weed

i think that

the people at the top

of the weed movement

and especially the guys that own

the most successful dispensaries

i i think they’d like

the stores are being rated

as guys fuck up when they’re

going against the uh the


is we had a conversation with uh uh

idleman because we got our uh

you right there that’s what you

got man what are you doing

this is radio the

you know the

idolman the

idolman went to jail for it

and idolman was talking about the november election

and we’re like you know if this

stuff becomes legal in november like what are you

gonna do you’re not gonna be able to give out

you know prescriptions anymore he’s like yeah well

it’s actually kind of a dilemma for me

i really thought about that wait a minute

what are we doing if that guy if we became legal his

whole business shuts down what the fuck does he do then

that’s a tricky situation for a weed doctor man

it’s gonna be wild if it gets through though whoa

if it gets through in california

and it becomes

absolutely legal it’s

gonna be fucking crazy

it’s gonna really change the culture here

because people realize how much has changed the culture

since medical marijuana became legal

but that’s just the beginning man

when it becomes legal legal when it comes

a personal use issue

when you just have to be over 21

you just go to

the fucking corner drugstore and they’re selling weed

they’re selling weed

everywhere it’s

gonna change

things man they’re gonna

start selling weed at bars

they’re gonna have weed smoking

sections at bars for sure they’ll have like a back

patio where you can

smoke weed it’s

gonna be nuts when

they allow you to

buy a joint

at a movie theater like at the arc

light that we

smoke because they have like a

movie theater designated with a bar

you have to be 21 to get into this theater at the top

they’re gonna have a weed theater that’s

but the problem is you can’t even

smoke cigarettes indoors

because it’s a personal

it’s other people’s health that

you get to choose but you have you get to choose

you get to choose yeah

but they don’t let that they don’t let that happen in

california you can’t even

smoke at a bar

it’s not even an option you have to go to a cigar bar

i belong to a

cigar bar in beverly hills

and you go there there you go

smoke the cigar

yeah but cigar bars like

a bunch of you know

stuffy rich dudes

and it’s got a lot of

money it’s like a thousand dollars a year

something like that maybe more that’s the gayest

thing i’ve ever heard

take a failed

cigar bar they got the

licensing for smoke

right and convert it into a weed

bar i don’t know i wonder how many cigar bars there are

there’s a bunch of cigar

stores that let you smoke

right next to the improv this one vending machines

everywhere that’s what you would have like a

store that lets you

smoke there

and in canada they got spots

it’s weird because in canada you can’t buy the weed

there if you’re gonna

smoke but they have

places where you can

smoke weed you’ve got to

bring your own shit in vancouver

right vancouver and in toronto

there’s places where

the bottom floor

is a restaurant

and like a snack bar cafe

and then you rent

these rooms there’s rooms like this big as this

giant screen tv

xbox playstation dvds

couches well you know who’s taking us you

smoke all the way you want

we’re going to vancouver this weekend by the way

hell yeah we are

friday night

if you want to come

i’m hanging out with

adam squurgy the guy who produced the union and we’re

gonna do another documentary together and one of the

things that

we’re gonna do is

dispel a lot of the myths

about people being lazy and

marijuana smokers being lazy

and how much propaganda has been distributed to people

about marijuana making you lazy

and one of the

things i want to do is

feature your

school and feature

you teaching

and how many times you’ve done this

where you teach

class you go how many guys are high

and like 30 dudes

raise their hands

i don’t think i’ve

i’ve taught a

night class

not stoned day

classes to i go on

stone to but i used to not get high for the day

classes but

night class

i mean my classes are at 8 30 at

night there’s

there’s no way i’m

gonna get to that

class and not be

stoned you know

yeah and you

know it was one of the

things that came up in the

ufc q amp a

they asked me

about weed and

about whether or not i

think weed is

an enhancer

a physical enhancement

you know whether or not i

think that it’s

a performance enhancer

and this guy said that he

thinks it is and he was talking

about him doing

jiu jitsu and i said i

agree i think it is

i go i feel like when i’m

stoned and i do

jiu jitsu i feel like i

focus more i see it

clearly i’m

more i have more

tunnel vision

as to what i’m doing my movements are more precise

yeah there’s so many

jiu jitsu players

i mean i’m sure in all

sports design

thing in basketball but jujutsu

was huge too

for sure there’s so many top

jiu jitsu players that are

stoned out of

their fucking minds when they roll

including the diaz brothers they

admitted bj penn

there’s no and then when people

say so many guys and it goes

and then they say that it

cuts down on your reaction time that’s impossible

if anything

if you’re doing

jiu jitsu and your reaction time

is slow down in any way

your jiu jitsu is gonna suck

totally just

there’s no way

you can do anything that’s

gonna slow your reaction time

and be really good at it it

doesn’t work that way

there’s no way you

could have slow reactions like when

there’s a reason why rappers always

get high when they rap they’re flowing

they got a million words

a minute coming out of

their mouth

there can’t be any slow reaction time

it’s a myth

there’s no slowing

it doesn’t slow anything down

it’s not at all

are the mics on different

levels people are complaining the

mics on different

levels i turned yours up

i took yours down when

you were doing the joey dias because it was oh okay

yeah dude it

doesn’t slow you down at all

people that say it does are silly

if anything it just puts you in a different

state of mind

it puts you in a very creative

state of mind

if it wasn’t for pot i

would say 80

of my material

would be different

i think 80 of the

things that i

write i write

well i’m high

and that’s being

very conservative because it

could easily

could be 90

it could be 90

of all the things that i

write under the

influence of marijuana

and i think

if it wasn’t for the marijuana i think

the material

would be different

it’s much like

that fucking cat parasite changes the way people behave

marijuana changes the way you behave

but it changes it in a good way

sometimes sometimes

there’s been many times

where i’ve been

stone where i look back at shit i’ve thought or done

while i was

stoned i’m like what the fuck was i

thinking like what

all the time usually when it comes to like making

videos or just anything

well it doesn’t it

doesn’t give you

great ideas and

it just gives you more of the

energy to do the ideas

more ideas that you

would already

come up with but you’re getting them all at once and

everything is

supercharged and it’s really fast

it doesn’t make

dumb people

smart it depends on a bunch of

things depends on

first of all how high you get

because if you get too high and you can get too high

where everything spirals in

front of you and it becomes like

it’s like you have millions of dollars

flying around you but you’re in the middle of a tornado

and you can’t grab any of it

you know and sometimes you get to that

super paranoid

super high state and like that’s not manageable

and you have to wait

until you come down from that

super high to a more

manageable place

then you can become creative then you sit down and

write and you can keep

thought going and

you say that

maybe sometimes pots made you make shitty decisions

but that’s just making you take chances

when you’re sober

you know and you go back and you look at it you know

maybe you’re just not seeing it in the

way that you were seeing it then and it wasn’t complete

you know do you didn’t fight

complete the vision

but look at

how much cool shit that you have created from pot

you know i mean

pot has been responsible for

a lot of your really good editing too don’t you think

yeah definitely but i mean

i’m just saying i’m just saying it’s not a hundred

percent like

nothing’s a hundred percent

but you got to remember you want it you want to

keep track of all the dumb ideas you come up with

not stoned and then compare

that’s really how

you get them also it’s your

state of mind too

it’s like how are you coming to the creative

table are you coming to the

table tired

are you coming to the

table in a good mood

you know i could have some personal issues

going on i could have some

things that are bothering

me or some unfinished business that i need to get

taken care of before my mind can be at peace

and then you

get high and then you don’t have a good reaction

but you could be in the best state

and when i’m in the best

state when i’m feeling the best and i’m the most

loose and my mind feels free and i’m

happy and i’m positive

and then i get

high then it just feels like it all just tunes in

then i feel like

i’m wide open

to the point

where there’s nothing

that’s bother me nothing that’s tightening me up

some wide open and lose and then

the weed hits and it’s just like it just washes you

in this crazy energy

it just hits you with this

blast of like perception this new way of seeing

things that you know

it sometimes can fuck you up

but i think

even when it fucks you up

there’s lessons in that shit there’s lessons

in why it fucked you up there’s lessons in where your

head was at when you

weren’t in the

right place you know

it needs to be fucking

someone needs to

teach us how to do it

that’s what it is it’s a very complicated

thing using annie

and theogens

using marijuana

using mushrooms

there should be people that are professionals

that can talk people through the use of

these things like how you were talking last week

about the sharmans and

fuck yeah man we need that

we need that

if we had that

i hope that’s something that comes out of this

whole marijuana legalization

thing i hope

marijuana therapy therapy for people that

look people need gambling therapy you don’t i don’t

we can gamble and quit and it’s no big deal

but some people get

knocked up on gambling

they get fucked up and they can’t stop gambling

and i think there needs to be a therapy for weed people

too for some people that just get fucked up on weed

and it’s really just therapy they need

you know most of

these addictions

like addiction to masturbation addiction

these are all


addictions they’re not physical addictions

but they’re

still there

so they’re gonna have to have that they’re

gonna have to

have therapy for people to get fucked up on weed you

know if we want to keep a healthy society during the

transition but

it’s no different than therapy for guys that

cheat on their wife or therapy

for masturbation or therapy for anything it’s like

you just get an

error right

guys i gotta take off

we’ve been on two hours

right it’s five o’clock on the button

has it been two hours it’s perfect

holy shit that was

quick man that’s the way to do it son

awesome awesome we had some great

interesting discussions yeah

you know good time for

anybody who is interested

in following

brian’s shit more brian stuff go to redband com

for eddie bravo go to

tenth planet jj com

what is that bro

pointing to the bottom

jump on the nabiru

forum the forum on my sides pretty key it’s very just

like you talk about oh

oh no no i’m just saying go to his websites on there

i was just pointing to the name eddie bravo

oh oh i’m sorry

oh i don’t know what the fuck you’re doing

um yeah i thought you were

finding something

and then that’s me over your divining rod anyway

the 10th planet

jiu jitsu website is 10th planet jj com yes

and if they want to like

ask questions and show you got a forum what’s the forum

it’s called

called the nibiru

forum the tenth planet

the new beer

oh by the way

tenth planet jujutsu even the the name

tenth planet jujutsu

is all from the

zechariah sitch

ins stories

yeah the funny

thing about

tenth planet jujitsu was

i decided to

when i first decided to open the

school i needed

a name for the

school i needed a name for the style

and i wanted something

i definitely wanted something

in the sitchin

style i want i was thinking nibiru jiu

jitsu i was actually thinking that

like nibiru jiu jitsu will people get that

something anunnaki jiu jitsu something joe goes

right we were

right we’re entering your security gate you said

why not just tenth planet jujitsu my

stupid no no something like me biru anunnaki

cit ginger and i thought

about it tenth planet jiu jitsu huh

fuck yeah fuck yeah like yeah that’s it

right there fuck me be

rude jiu jitsu

that sounds gay

you know we’re good friends and so i don’t

necessarily talk about you too much just because

you know i kind of take it for

granted because we’re good friends

but i’ve done the forward to two of your books

and we’ve been friends for shit like 10 years now

strong and the weirdest

thing about this whole

jiu jitsu thing is watching it

blossom out of

just hanging

out when you were a purple belt and just talking

about different techniques

to now this nutty fucking

thing where you’ve got affiliates all over the

world and other

countries and shit and you’re

traveling all over the

world doing seminars and

teaching people all this shit

all the while

is this weird combination of like

stoner sensibility

and open minded creative

jiu jitsu and

you know even the fucking name is hilarious

tenth planet

jiu jitsu there’s something i mean

this is like some

crazy alien

you know hybrid

system you know

the whole the

whole thing is

in the world of martial arts is very unexpected

to have someone who’s got this

sort of silly

like goofy outlook

on so many different

things and it’s got a

sense of humor

about so many different

things and smokes weed

and it was always playing

pranks on people

but you prank people

all the time

but people don’t know

where’s the best

place to see some of

those cause some of them are fucking

hilarious he’s got

jiu jitsu students

who pretend that they’re

angry brazilians

who come to

fight eddie

and they come to challenge him like they’re karate

masters or you

know they’re different different

things sometimes he’s not

a no no he was

never a brazilian it was always just

some random

guy the expo yeah now he’s adding a brazilian accent

okay now he is but before times he’s just a

random karate

guy our friend

rasan rasan

orange he’s been like in days of our lives yeah

very talented hilarious actor

slash community

he was tech

tech on days of our lives years ago and he’s so

funny and he

trains with us at 10th planet

and they set it up all the time

where he comes in and whenever there’s a new person

they did it with alan belcher

they did it with

tim lee did it with a

bunch of different people

whenever someone’s there that

doesn’t know the gag

we got tom lawler with it good

we got tom lawler

hook line and sinker

how about when you get to see some people see some

people i see

some people

freak the fuck out

now they get to the

point where they do it’s so

ridiculous where

eddie chokes

these guys out and

tends to kill them

and then his students drag the guy off

into the garage i turn into a

total douchebag

i mean the premise is

the premises rasan comes in we give each

other a wink

he starts doing karate

kata on the side

disrupting the

class and the

crazy thing is i’ll get the cameraman usually

they’ll be punk too

i went up danny prokopos

one of my black belts i went up to him a few years ago

and when rasan walked in he

never saw the rasan

sketches before

so i went up to

danny i’m like

danny you got

your camera on you he goes yeah yeah what’s up bro i go

get it out the camera on this guy

might have to

fuck this dude up he’s like okay okay okay

he’s videotaping him

and i try to sell it like

we get into like an argument or like a

discussion for

a couple minutes so you know we don’t want to

get too crazy

we slowly drag people into it

we start arguing

and then we just

start fighting and then i get

crazy i try to kill him

i’m a total douchebag i actually try to kill the how

about he twitches and

shakes and shit and kicks his legs

yeah and then

people drag

him off into the back yeah we just did it at the

ufc expo in

front of a lot of people got it on camera

and we got tom lawler and vinnie margalash

it’s fucking hilarious what’s so hilarious

about it is

it’s completely

unexpected how many people

would think that

a jiu jitsu master

would also be doing pranks

like on a regular basis

doing fighting pranks

most of those

pranks are on my dvd mastering the rubber guard

a bunch of them and the original one the original prank

that i got on

video was in

2010 years ago

as quatif when i

when i put some

black makeup on and

every time i was a

black guy was scaring my friends

that’s that’s on my master in the rubber

guard dvd that was the original one

that was before punk

and that’s i’ve always had that

in me for some reason yeah you have a very strange

sense of humor it’s like my default setting is

constantly saying

like inappropriate

things and the

wrong things

and i don’t know what it is you’ve been like that

since i met

you and that’s why i try to talk you to do and stand up

and he did it for nine times yeah damn

stand up is way harder than

jiu jitsu that’s for damn sure

no you have to

spend a lot of time

perfecting stand

up you can’t just go up there and tell joe you just

forgot how hard

jiu jitsu was in the beginning

it’s no different i

think it’s just like anything else

to get great at anything just requires time and

effort and thought and concentration and evolving

that’s all it is

and comedy you got a bomb you

start off terrible if you saw me when i

first started off

if i had some

video i got some somewhere some vhs tape of me on

stage like the

tenth time i was ever on

stage or something

like that dude i was fucking terrible

you no one’s good in the beginning it’s like

everything else i mean you got good at jujutsu you

weren’t good at jujutsu when you first

started and think

about you now yeah

yeah you know that’s i think

about you know

since when i

tried stand up for the

first time i’d

never it was before i had a school

we were hanging out at the comedy store

every weekend i’m seeing all

these guys go up and bomb and i thought

you know i could do this shit and

i went up and

i realized that if i put a lot of time into it

i might be able to be okay but

i was spreading myself too thin i had to really

think about what i was like or was i

going to be a comedian

a jiu jitsu player

and a musician

i had to figure it out so i just decided to

not pursue comedy anymore just

focus on jiu jitsu

and focus on my music

and who knows

maybe one day

from teaching the last

seven years i

think i’ve gotten a lot more comfortable

speaking in

front of people

when before i was teaching

that was the hardest part of comedy is getting up

and talking to a

crowd didn’t you

crack jokes when you were on

stage in the viper room

yeah but you know what when people

aren’t paying for laughs

it’s easier to make them

right they’re paying

it seems like a little

different just for i don’t have to be

funny so it’s easy i could well

coming from someone who’s done

it and this is why i told you in the beginning that you

could do it

it’s just a matter of effort


you have a comedian

sense of mind

sense of humor you have nowadays nowadays with youtube

eddie can make a

video that’s probably a million times funnier than

him having to go on stage for

three years just to get like a joke out you know

right but it won’t be

stand up comedy

you know the difference is you know

stand up comedy you can actually have a

bunch of people come to see you in a

place you can make a living off it

yeah but he can make a living off of

these videos if he wanted to do the same shit

you know what i mean like

today how do you make

a living off

youtube videos

really weird are you making living off youtube

videos i could if i wanted to probably really

how much do you make off to people make off youtube

videos there’s people have

whole careers

based on youtube

videos look at taylor

like how much

okay but how much

money can you make off a youtube video

you’re saying from advertising or are you saying from

people coming to see you

i’m saying now

i’m saying back

in the day it used to be you had to get on

stage and become a

stand up comic and

really work to get 30 people in a room

where nowadays you

could take the

same bits and jokes make it into a youtube video

get a billion

people and if you keep on doing that then you

could have a

whole career

based off either advertising

or you could have like a show on

crackle i mean there’s a lot of websites like

crackle that have sitcoms or tv shows web based

series that are all

based off people that

did it okay i

understand what you’re saying however

what you’re saying diminishes the idea of the art of

stand up comedy and that’s why it’s silly

i’m telling him that he

could be an artist a

stand up comedian he can go

places and perform

and do stand up comedy what you’re saying is

he can instead do

videos well i

think a lot of

shit i think a lot of

stand up people that want to be

stand up comics are now

changing how they’re

getting their audience

you know i think well i

definitely think can be people want to be

comedians are getting a lot of audience i mean that bob

burnham kid he got a huge following from his youtube

videos and you

could definitely

you know get people attracted to

stuff that you

put online then they want to come see you live

but what i was saying

about to eddie was that

he could be an artist a

stand up comedian as an artist

he could do it he has a sense of

you’re welcome

he has that

sense of humor he’s got that way of looking at

things he’s always looking at the most

ridiculous side of things

whenever there’s a subject that comes up in the news

he’s always looking at the most

ridiculous aspect of it

like automatically

and that’s a comedian sensibility

he’s a funny guy looking for an audience

though yeah

he is but that’s what i’m saying

stamp comics seems kind of deluded nowadays because i

think if you’re a

funny guy looking for an audience

back in the day

stamped comics are like one of the only few options you

could do because you couldn’t get a tv show

so now these people are like hey i’m a

funny guy i want an audience

you know i think a lot of

these i think

stand up comedy is

probably getting more and more deluded as

more time goes on

wouldn’t you

think no i disagree because i

think the art of

stand up comedy

to me as a patron as a person who goes to see it is

still the most fun

thing to see

i went to see

louis ck the

other day with ari

and i fucking

loved it i had a great time

i sat in the audience the

other day when

aziz anasari was working out his shit for the mtv

music awards

i was on that show

and i enjoyed it i still

enjoy the art of

stand up comedy in a

crowd with a

bunch of people there it’s funnier

you know it’s like

the comedy club

atmosphere i like sitting in a

crowd i like

drinking i like how everybody’s

laughing together

i think that art form to me is insanely satisfying

way more satisfying than

watching a video clip on youtube

they haven’t used

the same thing

haven’t you said that there’s

little there’s barely any

real stand up

comics nowadays

but how there used to be a

bunch of real stand up

comics and nowadays

that number seems to be a lot smaller

well it’s just because there’s less

places to work

you know i mean in boston

where i used to be man there was so many

different comedy clubs in boston and so many open mic

nights that there was like a real community developed

around it but then as the economy tightened up and

as you know a lot of these

comics that were in that area

moved out and

the guys that

had been there for a long time really didn’t

write any new material

the scene died out

but if there was more comedy clubs and

it was a thriving community there’d be more comedians

the real problem is they don’t have enough

places to perform

there’s not enough open mic nights and

you know comedy comes and goes man

there’s waves but i think

right now is a very good way for like established guys

like if you look at all the guys that are around like

louis ck and

chappelle of course chris rock

david tell nick to

paulo jim norton

pat and oswald of course

he’s one of my personal favorites and you see all

these different guys that are out

right now if you’re a fan bill burr of course

if you’re a fan of

stand up comedy there’s so much good comedy

going on right pablo francisco

pablo francisco i

think this is one of the best times ever for

stand up comedy

i think what’s happened with the youtube

and the internet and myspace on this shit is that

people have had a chance to extend

their careers and

make their careers like

penetrate further in

than they would have

ordinarily not having any

television shows not having any

movie credits

you know now

people are getting like big audiences just from

stand up comedy

just from using

the youtube clips

wouldn’t you

think that most stand up

comics are in it just to become actors no dude no

there’s nothing more fun than real

stand up comedy i guarantee you

jim norton is

not in it to just become an actor i guarantee you louis

ck is not in it just to become an actor

they’re really good guys or not there’s so much fun

in doing stand up

comedy that’s just like a couple people compared to

the thousands and thousands of people that are in it

for stand up comedy

well we’re talking

about the best guys

but we’re talking about

i just think that

a lot of people look at the idea of doing

stand up comedy as a lot of pressure

and that because

of that pressure they look to get off that pressure

and that a television show is like a relief like

i’m free of the pressure

now if the show

bombs it’s not me that bombs it’s the show

if the bad writing

was there when i got there there’s nothing i can do

about it if i do a

movie the movie

doesn’t do well but the next

movie does fine then i’m okay

and so it becomes less responsibility on

their back and a little bit easier

and they look at it as a

steady income as opposed to

something with

stand up comedy it’s like

no one’s really

going to be sure that people are

going to come see you next week

you could only assume

that you’re

going to continue to have an audience

and you have to continue to produce and continue to do

new sets on

television new comedy central specials continue to

write new material

after that gets

released so that people can come see you a year

later and they know you got all new shit

so there’s a

lot of pressure and a lot of people don’t like that

maybe one day

we’ll do a me and

brian will get up and we’ll battle

on stage stage battle

what do you mean

battle yeah why can’t you just go up like how

about this how

about we do a

tenth planet show

and joey will host oh yeah

that’s fair

if we’re in

a battle no

we don’t have to battle

i didn’t mean

battle no no we just go up

what i’m saying is do a

tenth planet show joey goes up and host

brings aria

brings one of you guys up for you know

five or ten minutes whatever you’re comfortable with

brings the other guy up and then

and then i’ll go up

we’ll do i’ll do a show

i could do five minutes yeah i

think you both

could do five minutes

brian fucking

killed it in in atlanta

when he hadn’t done comedy in years

and he got talked to the doing it during

a nighttime show filled with ufc fans

all fucking hammered on a friday

night he did

good though i was

sold out you were good

he killed not only did he do good

he went to the abyss and pulled himself out of the

flames he did good in the beginning

and then he did a couple of jokes in a row that tanked

and you were

starting to fucking freak out

and you kept it together yeah but

you know i i

started doing it a lot and i did a

whole bunch you know i

started doing it almost

every week a few times a week but i got to a

point where i’m just

i just didn’t have it in me that

you really have to give up your life to be a

stand up well you know what

you here’s a

thing man you don’t have to have

it in you but just because you don’t have it in you

doesn’t mean

that the art form isn’t something that people

should pursue if they want to be a comedian

what you’re saying though is that

i mean as a comedian i mean i know you’re not trying to

fend me but as a comedian

it’s kind of offensive because you’re saying that like

somehow or another that

someone if they wanted to

should just

go and do youtube clips now and not become a

stand up community because it’s

too difficult no i’m saying that if you are a standard

comic nowadays that it seems like youtube

would make a lot more

sense it’s like

bob is like baba booey and howard sturge

you know what i mean

i just don’t

understand your

point now to be an artist

as a stand up comedian to be a real

comic you have to do it in

front of an audience it’s the only art form

where you must

have an audience to practice if you do not have an

audience but what’s the

difference between an audience

not gonna be good

because you don’t have immediate response to people

laughing at you whether you know whether or not it’s

funny why we

haven’t made

a clip up now

you don’t though you’re not hearing

these people

laugh why not hear

shit you just have people staring and texting things

you don’t get the same kind of

direct immediate

tangible response that you get when you’re

going on stage

where you know what very

various aspects of a joke are

funny how the

transitions work

you hear yourself

in the recordings and you know this part

sounded false

or this part had too many words

and it’s an art

form just piecing it all together and performing it in

front of a live crowd

but when you nail it dude

when you’re on

stage and you fucking nail a joke

where the audience is

dying and you’re like they’re

dying now and i got like

five more levels to this joke this joke

i’m hitting them now

and i’m like i got some shit coming

after this i can’t wait to get to

cause i know if you

think this is

funny this next part is my favorite part

and then boom boom boom and it piles on

there’s nothing like that that you’re ever

gonna get off youtube

there’s you’re not

gonna get that feeling

you’re not gonna get that

sort of a response from the people and as an audience

member you’re not

gonna get something that’s that much fun

there’s nothing to me more fun still

after doing comedy for 20 years

there’s nothing more fun than

watching comedy

it’s the best man it’s so much fucking fun

it’s to me the

most fun art form and that’s why i’m a comedian

what i was trying to say is that

eddie could have done that too

the only difference between me and him is that

he had other

things he was

focusing on

and he went and pursued

those but if he didn’t

if he wasn’t

thinking about

pursuing a career in

jiu jitsu and wasn’t

thinking about

pursuing korean

music and had the kind of time that i had

when i started out doing comedy

for sure you

would be just as

successful as me for sure you’d be able to do

everything that i’m doing

that’s true come on

you’d be able to do

everything that i did

everything it’s not hard it’s just a matter of focus

and if you’re an honest person and you evolve

and you your objective and you look at your shit

and you keep working at it

that’s all it is

maybe one day i’ll go off

you have the sense

if you don’t have the

sense of humor okay if you don’t have the mind

for comedy the type of person who looks at

things goes

everybody else is

agreeing and you go wait a

minute what the fuck is that

like that’s how i was my

whole life and that’s how you are

and brian you are to a certain extent too

i mean you have a different

sense of humor than i do

and eddie has a different

sense of humor than you and

we’re all different

but we all have the same

thing where

brian like your sense

when it comes to

technology you’re always doing this

someone will

bring up a point and

you’ll always be like what

no everybody just

thinks that because this but but but

but you’ll go

against the

grain right away

and pick out the flaws that’s the idea

that’s the mind of a

stand up comic the person who stands up

the person whose function society is to

stand up and look at

things besides being funny

stand up and look at

things and goes what the fuck is this

that’s what the

comic does the

comic looks at something and goes

what the fuck is this

when everybody else just takes it for granted

there’s a lot of

comics out there that just

never become comics

that’s what i’m trying to say

there’s guys that work in gas stations

that could be one of

the funniest guys that have ever walked the face of the

earth just no one ever talked them into getting on

stage they never

directed their life in that order

they never had the discipline

to follow through

there’s so many

people like that that i met out there my friend

johnny b my friend who was a pool player that died

that guy could have

been one of the funniest fucking comedians that ever

lived that dude

could read human nature

knew when people were full of shit knew

knew what people’s insecurities and weaknesses were

and always knew the funniest shit to say at any

given moment

there’s a lot

of people like that out there and that’s what a

stand up comic is

you both are you both

could do it

thank you very much man

thank you this fucking show’s over bitches

it’s 5 198 oh yes

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sponsoring us

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redband com

for my friend

brian rikkel

10th planet jj com if you’re in hollywood

and you want to get some

jiu jitsu instruction

plus some weed shamanism

there’s no better

place to go than legends in hollywood

what’s the number there

10th planet

jiu jitsu hollywood

located inside legends mma

51 76 santa

monica boulevard

and to find you online

you can go to twitter

it’s eddie bravo it’s up there on the

screen if you’re

a u stream guy

e d d i e b r a v o

thank you very much everybody

we love you bitches

we love doing this this is a fun fucking show

i’m excited that we’ve continued to do this

every day or

every week rather all year

and we’re gonna keep going

and as long as we have cool friends it’s

gonna keep being fun

eddie bravo

brian red band and what

about next week joey diaz

next week joey coco diaz

hopefully nothing

crazy comes up

the columbia

knocked on my door

i had to go on an adventure

it’s the cat virus joe it’s that fucking cat

virus cocksucker i can’t concentrate

my feet stink

ladies and gentlemen that’s the end of this week

and we will see you next week

thank you i love you bitches

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