The Joe Rogan Experience #26 - Bill Burr

there it goes

ladies and gentlemen welcome to another you

stream broadcast

who’s that me

me motherfucker gotcha one

we only did one week

where we didn’t fuck anything up and that was yesterday

yesterday we completely had it together

joining me this week is my good pal

the very funny Mr Bill Burr

Bill Burr ladies and gentlemen what’s up Joseph

you might know Bill from

all sorts of television stand up comedy

things the Chappelle Show blah blah blah blah blah

one of the funniest

guys out there I love the 80’s

Strikes Back

don’t forget that

that’s on the IMDB page

I also have a failed

pilot for some reason on my IMDB page

which it didn’t even air

and somebody

still start up there talking

about anything we’re sponsored by the The Flashlight

this is a flashlight have you ever seen one of

these Bill Burr

a flesh colored flashlight no

thank you I don’t

know we know what it is Bill Bears like

what is that

you fuck it that’s the butthole version it’s patenting

rubber technology

really put your fingers

no it’s freak me out

okay you jerk off though right I mean

I assume right constantly okay now why wouldn’t I

put one on the way up to your house

this is this is I’m all about

this Robin one out a fucking tool to masturbate

with it’s instead of your hand it’s a fake vagina

this is the I’m not saying that you shouldn’t

you shouldn’t you know I’m not

against it but it’s just odd you handing it to me the

first minute of you

well I’m just trying to see how you react

oh yeah I hope you got a good yeah I got a

good gauge yes

I’m into I’m into porn

I like the videos and that type of

thing but I

gotta admit like

that’s just

those sex toys it’s like very serial killer like

where you just sort of fucking

a part of somebody

I agree there’s

nothing else there yeah I know what you mean you

know like you went to the butcher you’re like yeah just

give me a slice of crotch

yeah this doesn’t it

doesn’t have to look like a

pussy it looks exactly like a

pussy that the

pussy one does

it really doesn’t have to it just has to be a hole

maybe you’d feel

better that doesn’t

look like a

butthole that

doesn’t look like a butthole

hold it up to the camera that

doesn’t look

like a butthole

I think it needs a little work

if what an 8 year

old ass look how little that

is bleach it’s a girl with a

butthole that’s got a problem because that suckers not

air tight look at that there’s a little hole in there

escaping yeah

that’s not good yeah

after you ruined it last night

trying it out I have

never fucked this

that’s why I

handed to people I fucked the vagina one I have

never fucked the

phone that’s maybe

your next CD

I have never fucked this

you just hold something up

that’ll get into Walmart

the only ones left like

Calm you want to sell something

yeah go to Flashlight

Calm and buy it but

you know we

were disturbed because we went to the website

we could not find a black one

they have only pink

fake vaginas

now you know what you

could go both ways on that one

that that is either racist or

white people

can get offended

like how come

you’re slicing up white women and turning them

into little

plastic pillowy things for people to fuck

you know they should have like a swirl

like a Jet Pop you know like those old pudding pops

where it’s like vanilla and chocolate

that’s not bad

the zebra one yeah why why fucking

why not a little

mouth one too

and you have that

other one so you can finally have like a fake menaja

toi yeah it’s

almost fake mouth licking your balls

whatever that is the

flash flashlight whatever you call it isn’t it kind of

creepier that

it actually does look like a vagina like if it was

green or something like that

maybe it’d be easier to fuck

that doesn’t you

wouldn’t have to think

about it being a serial killer sort of a thing

so that really

doesn’t look like anything

it doesn’t it

doesn’t but the vagina one does

like the 4th grader made that you just

as a good father be like oh yeah yeah I can see that

totally does you have a lot of talent

you encourage them

we were saying yesterday that it’s

funny that they sell the butthole version and the

vagina version and what if the butthole version just

so outsold the vagina version they just

canceled making them because nobody wanted to fuck to

river vagina

like left handed guitars

they’re like 10

extra for the vagina

Joe next time you fuck I try

taking it out like fish in the bucket

and fucking it out of the plastic thing

yeah like your hand really it’s so much better

really Brian has a tip a health

he’s like the Martha Stewart of fake vaginas

do you have an empty tip

do you like review sex toys

no I don’t review sex toys only

technology shit I

should I should review

sex toys why not dude

you should totally do a full

you fuck it version

of a review

where you fuck

the flashlight I

should take the food blog to the next

show and show us

like show us you fucking it but you don’t

want we don’t have to see your dick and anything but we

should know that you really are fucking it like you’re

naked no no you

take a picture

right after you’re done

and we’ll try to get

the level of


just fill my face the whole time

using it but that’s it

is there a fucking

thing on this

earth that’s more disgusting than another dude’s loads

if you think about it

if you had a choice between the guy pissing on you or

shooting a load on you well obviously it’s no brainer

it’s longer

would get over

and you have a washcloth

right there

right and a

stand up shower

so it’s over really

quickly wow

that might be better you know

maybe it’s just a pool you just a

load might be better

he’s right it’s

quicker it’s just like get it done wipe it

off you’re not

like sitting there for 2 minutes getting pissed on I

see what you’re saying you get a

laugh at the guys faces he’s like

I see what he’s saying but to me it’s a

dude just shot a load on me and I can’t deal with it I

could deal with a dude pissing on me that’s an act of

aggression a guy

shooting a load on me is like that guy

basically just fucked me

yeah you know I’m saying

it just snot from below

you know it’s just

yeah but it’s sort of a

maybe it’s just

was just an accident a Mark he’s marking me

it’s an accident you gotta

stop being so judgmental

but peeing is how you usually

market animals usually use

PETA marks that’s

okay that’s like I said that’s an active

aggression an active

aggression like

urinating on me

would not offend me nearly as much as

dropping a load on me

that’s just me though

I agree with

that honestly

things that I don’t really

think of what if it was a long beer piss

though you know

that’s what I’m saying

asparagus piss yeah 4 hours

sitting in Yankee Stadium

right drinking beer in the hot sun

are you a sports female

sports fan no

I don’t the only

sport I watch besides

mixed martial arts and boxing is pool

I watch professional pool

which is completely ridiculous

actually I’m

watching the NBA finals

and I have to have the game on mute

because I’m convinced the announcers hate my team

and it just

gets insane

dude people get so fucking mad if they feel

like someone’s doing bias commentary I get so much shit

from due to or

angry at me because I call the

fight as I see

it you know I try to be as objective as possible

and have like

no one’s my favorite I don’t want anybody in

particular to win I just wanted to happen

I have a bunch of guys that I love

watching when they

fight because they’re good

but I don’t I try to

never like root for somebody

right so I do my best to stay objective

but I call like I fucking see it some dudes get

crazy that’s because

they’re so emotionally invested like me with the

Celtics I want them to win

and like you

know like I’ve got invited to a come on down

watch watch game

7 it’s like I can’t

I can’t fucking deal with all

these I’m gonna sit there by myself and I have to

watch it on

mute I can’t be around a

bunch of other people

cause there’s

gonna be people there

who don’t give a fuck

or they gonna be rooting for another team

and I will literally have rage

me and no I’ve really been examining it like

what was silly

it is I heard

somebody told me that I

think Jay Leno said

was I wasn’t into

sports and he was just like

bait why do I care if

the peanuts

beat the kangaroos and you know something like that

and it just

really sort of was like yeah why do I give a shit

it’s a trick

people think that the NBA

finals are rigged

like that kardashians

going on TMZ

saying the whole

thing’s rigged who is

going on Kim Kardashian

Robert Kardashian

Robert Carne

I think is the brother of Kim and he’s like

going on saying like you know that’s

incredible source that family

I mean one of

one of the guys is a

Are they gonna re examine the Warren

Commission next

take another peek at the Sapruder film

yeah come on really yeah

but the thing

the Kardashians looked into the moon landing

isn’t somebody off that in the


married to an NBA player though

there were yeah that is true and the

NBA also had a ref that got busted with mob ties and I

loved how they acted like he was the only one who

I was just Tim

like you wouldn’t notice that if you were

refereeing with them

is he teeing everybody up you know

like if he bet the

under and everybody’s like fouling out

I mean I know that’s an exaggeration

it’s one of the easiest games to fix

you know they

had a problem with that with professional pool

with professional pool

the only one time

that a sports book

ever put a line

on the event

I forget what casino was in

it was that but it was in Vegas

and it was a big tournament

these guys are

grinding they’re out there

you know professional pool players don’t make much

money you know even the best in the world so

there was an

underdog this guy Mike LeBron he hadn’t

won a big tournament

like that in a long time so they all got together and

said hey Mike

guess what you won the tournament we’re

going to fucking bet on you

they all threw in and everybody dumped

and they all dumped Mike LeBron one they

cleaned up and the book he’s

never put a line on pool again

and did they

and they obviously figured it out

fucking everybody

know they’re driving balls of the rail

their fucking supposed

to get out ball in hand they don’t get out they scratch

you know there was

there was a

bunch of shots were dudes were like what the

fuck is this they were obviously bad

well you know they do

their best but

these guys high

level pros don’t miss very often

you know so

they can fuck up and take a bad path on purpose and

a path that gives them a high percentage of getting

stuck behind balls or something like that

so they make

errors on purpose

and you look at it and you’re like why the fuck

would that guy play that like that like

this guy’s top of the food

chain world champion

they’re just trying

a snooker player got busted recently for taking a 300

300 thousand euro bribe

he was taking a bribe

to dump a bunch of matches

and this guy is like one of the very best in the

world he’s like a top line

and snooker players make big bank

but apparently

it’s a common

what was his vice

money that he took it

just wanted

money you know

he said that they’ve done it before

and you know they got

this guy on hidden camera and shit it was pretty pretty

devastating for the

whole snooker community because he’s like one of

their starbs but all

8 people who are in the fucking

snooker huge over there bro you don’t

understand it

I don’t know what snooker is

snooker is this

crazy game it’s like pool but it’s played on a

giant table a 12 by 6

and the pockets are really

small and the balls are really

small and they’re colored

and I don’t know the

exact room is there mushrooms on the table

is that from the 70s remember that bumper pool

remember that

I do remember bumper pool that

shit was ridiculous god

about that yeah you just

they had like little mushroom trees or something

in the middle

little rubber ones to bounce it off that’s

cause you didn’t have

space for a real table

so you get one of

these goofy fucking

things was only 2 and

you had to make it more difficult that’s

right yeah that was the 70s everybody

put some sort of

reference to drugs

right on the table

pool has always

had a problem with people gambling and dumping

money it’s like a common

thing a bunch

amongst guys who bet like guys

will back pool players and the pool players would dump

and cut up the

money because they know this

where they’re gonna win

you know so

that whole world the

world of gambling when you get gambling involved

with anything and there’s a lot of gambling on pro

basketball I

would just assume it’s rigged

wouldn’t you

yeah I mean I

You know I I

would think uh

well I think the players make too much money

and so it’s very hard like that and the way the way to

definitely do

it is some sort of authority figure on the

court like you know

referee and umpire or something like that

given back and

I went to the game when

Kevin Garnett hurt his knee

against Utah

which I’m sure you

still have on

videotape such

a huge hoop

fan I don’t even

know those humans

the referees were

literally dictating the pace of the game

and it made like

no I’m trying to

equate it to what you do be like

a guy had no

stand up and all of a

sudden he was great at

stand up and then 5

seconds later

again oh yeah

he doesn’t have any it

would make wouldn’t be

right it’s not consistent

right they were like calling

everything everything

everything and you

could just see

him loosen up the rains then a guy would like

literally take a dude’s head off and they just I had no

blood no foul

and then all of a

sudden it was like

did these guys bet

us it was almost like they bet like a specific number

I don’t know what it was but it was one of the

weirdest called games

guys have been busted for that though

right referees have been busted for doing

things that there well they had they had that referee

and I’m sure if

other ones got busted

maybe they kept it

quiet I have no idea as usual

I have like one

story and then that becomes law I just

spread it out over

every sport and

start pontificating

Bill Burr is one of the more interesting conspiracy

theorists that I know because Bill Burr you’ll

start talking to him

about it and then 5 minutes in he’ll he’ll

admit that he

doesn’t know what the fuck he’s talking

about he saw a YouTube

video what’s this

what’s up with this GPS

I’m one of the

people okay

he doesn’t use GPS

I called them to give him directions I go you got GPS

thinking I’m just

gonna give him my address

nah I got a

Thomas Guide

a fucking Thomas

Guide like a goddamn pioneer

yeah like a pencil and like an eraser

and you’re like putting compass like directions on

stuff first

of all you guys are acting like I’m churning

butter you guys

both had one like fucking 5 years ago didn’t you

yeah why did I get here I was on

yes you were

I was early

early on with the GPS

I had the first GPS was a CD based GPS

it was CD ROM based so

I only had a map of Los Angeles but

I’ve never even

used those books I

think I’ve just always used

map quests and stuff

maybe before that my mom

would write down the directions on a napkin

when I first

moved here I used it

I had it written down on

an envelope

how’d I get here

there was no problems it was very easy

when I first

moved to LA I had a

Thomas guy but I

haven’t had

one in a long time for LA that just seems impossible

it is impossible

so many you don’t want to

think don’t use your

brain let the computer

do it that’s

right type in the zip let a

British woman

tell me what to do so what is your deal with GPS you

think the GPS is

possibly dangerous

I think it’s a waste of

money then also

one of my many

non researched opinions is I just don’t like that that

the fact that there’s some sort of I don’t know what

they beam a signal up to a

satellite it burns back down through the

atmosphere and into my fucking car

and there’s somebody

talking to me

actually I think it

doesn’t beam

anything out I

think it just is like a receiver

it’s always

beaming at you

and it picks up what it’s being beamed at you always

beam it at me

yeah yeah I don’t want that

I don’t want

stuff always beamed at me

you’re getting it no matter what yeah you’re getting

it right now

how do you think I’m getting

right now if you receive

it if you receive it like there’s a beam coming at you

okay if there’s something

to receive it like a box like some sort of a GPS box

all that’s doing

but all that’s

doing is receiving something that’s already there

if your brain is

going to be affected by

its getting affected by what’s already there no matter

I have lead

I have lead on the inside of my

thing you guys

I’m gonna die

earlier because you guys don’t want to fucking use a

Thomas guy why

would you think the GPS

would be dangerous though it’s like the

radio being dangerous

or this Wi Fi

we’re doing this we’re broadcasting a show to that

plastic bottle you’re

drinking out it’s more dangerous

it is if you

leave it in say

that classic

bar room point

right there

that plastic bottle is more dangerous really

you just got done doing research on that didn’t you

you have no

idea yeah it is because

actually like he said if you keep it in your car and it

might heat up it actually

released it in

warehouses for years yeah being heated up

and then we’re

hopefully not

hopefully not

but they said that if you

leave one in your car and it

gets really hot out it actually releases chemicals that

especially for men are not good for you oh

even if you have

even if it’s

just in here just the fact that’s in a plastic yeah

the chemicals are in the plastic

well now you’re on my page

see I like how you’re concerned

about this that’s what I’m saying you’re not concerned

about the anything and don’t you hear

that dude you’re

gonna fucking die anyway

he always ends up

going to that by the way he just quit

cigarettes like a

month ago right

so oh there you go

that’s like that’s like

a buddy of mine I had a

buddy of mine was giving me shit

when I went

I was about

ready to head out

a friend of mine was uh

oh it’s a long

story I don’t name names

what the fuck I was doing I was doing something we were

gonna go celebrate we’re

gonna go get shit faced so

this guy is

married he has a kid

so then he used to be a fuck up so I’m not

married I don’t have any kids and he sends me that

sends me a text he’s like you know dude it’s pretty

funny you know how

like how things turned out he’s like I’m

married and I have a kid now

and responsibility and you’re

still out partying

and it’s just like

it’s just one of

those things

that fucking people just because you have a kid they

think that automatically makes you responsible you’re

still a fuck up

you just have it you just passing it on now

well what’s really

funny is the nobility that they attach to

it and this is coming from someone who has 2 children

but I used to get so

annoyed when I

would talk to people who had kids and they

would compare

their life to my life

they’d be like well look at you you know you’re just

a single guy just running around being the same guy

what what the fuck

do we have to make people is there a

shortage of fucking

human beings

there’s 6 billion of us all

right there’s plenty of people

you’re not more

noble because

you’re raising a person I commend you for it

I hope you enjoy

it I hope you you know you really commit to it you

raise a good person it

doesn’t turn out to be

a fucking psycho but it

doesn’t make you a more

noble person because you have a

child yet that

some of them

think that I’m moral

they’re more just they’re doing the right

thing they’re not being

silly with their life

like it’s so but

this guy really wanted to go out and get wasted

and he was jealous that I can

continue to live my sad lonely life

stick it in your face

it’s funny a single person so that

but he’s a good shit though

cause I called him up the next day

I’m like dude

you fucking

failed a drug test

like 6 months ago and you took a header off your

front steps walking your dog down the street

and you had a red Mark looking like fucking

Jimmy Snooker when I

catch you right

and you’re giving me shit

Jimmy Snooker

yeah he comes with

Jimmy Snooker

reference the

Super Fly remember that you get on the top row

any all that scar

tissue I love you

he did have that scar tissue that’s the old school guys

would cut their own forehead to bleed

oh yeah you know

he’s related to The Rock

is he really the Rock is somehow related to

Super Fly Snook I

know I think that was his uncle

you really you can somebody name me a cooler uncle

than Jimmy fly

Snooker that’s it

yeah especially if you turn up to be a

wrestler yourself

he was Jimmy

Superfly snooker was my favorite when I was in high

school he was my number one Bob Backlin was pretty good

cause he had a real wrestling

stance I appreciated that

he went in there and looked like he really knew how to

wrestle he would arm drag dudes and shit

I heard he didn’t like a lot of the characters really

it’s almost like a joke writer hating a performer you

know he’s in there doing like the well he was a real

wrestler you know what really sucks

about wrestlers

wrestling is one of the toughest

sports in the

world but there’s no professional avenue for it

they tried it they

tried out Professional

Wrestling League a few years back

nobody wanted to

watch it just it hasn’t caught on

when things

haven’t caught on it’s very hard to get them to

catch on unless it’s something

fucking crazy like

mixed martial arts

mixed martial arts is so

crazy and so primal

that once it

started getting on TV everybody’s like whoa holy shit

you know just gets everybody in you’re not

gonna get that from

wrestling but

wrestling is easily more

exciting than a lot of

sports that are already on TV including

you know soccer

soccer’s not as

exciting as

wrestling to me I

would rather

watch like really good I like

I can defend soccer

I I don’t mind

it not American soccers like if LA plays like DC

right the Columbus Crew yeah yeah

that’s horrible

it’s horrible but international

level soccer

is pretty bad yeah because now you’re dealing with

like the shit talk and goes to a

whole another

level you’re talking

there’s wars one and loss between the 2 teams

there’s Holocaust genocide

yeah that’s true

fundamental and

they’re singing songs you

know they’re

going nuts they got

their Elton John scarves on

did you hear what’s

going on in Africa

forget what country it is in Africa but

2 people have been killed and a

bunch have been arrested

for watching the World Cup

because it’s like

a super extreme

Muslim village

that has a very extreme interpretation of the Quran and

apparently the Quran does not

allow gambling

does not allow

any sort of games and does not

allow dancing and any of

those things they’ll lock you up for

so this is considered

basically no happiness

no happiness

and the World Cup

is considered

again so they’re

going door to door and arresting people for

watching the

World Cup Brian

could you Google that real

quick tell me what the fuck that is

by the way how’s that coffee taste it’s

great it’s coming out of an animal’s

butt I’m loving that oh really this is the

iced coffee

it’s really good

right isn’t it

smooth yeah

there’s a coffee called copi luuac

and it comes from the butthole of a

thing called a palm civic

this is animal that eats coffee beans and shits em out

and they go through his

digestive tract

digestive tract

and they pull

these little beans out of his shit

clean em up

and sell em

and they make coffee out of em and the coffee’s

super smooth

because the

is it an insect the end no it’s like a cat like a Civic

you know what a Civic it is it’s just big fucking

well not big it’s a little not yet

this is bullshit

no no it’s true it’s totally true

it’s called kopi

ka opi luaq

l u w AK it’s not a cat’s a Civic but it looks

like a cat you know it’s got a long tail it’s like this

weird animal that eats coffee beans

so it eats the beans shits them out and then

somehow or another I guess

they would thought the beans were

worth too much

money they let

these animals

eat them like fuck let’s not let them go to

waste like somebody must have been desperate when they

first tried it

but now it’s

worth like a lot of

money I probably

wouldn’t have tried it

unless because then deep in this coffee cup it’s not

good but then what it has

it added a new flavor yeah

it changes the it makes it more

mellow it makes it

taste better it really does it’s good

not that good I like my favorite coffee’s from Hawaii

but I’m stuck it in his armpit

did you find the story

yeah I said simoleons are going underground to

watch band soccer is that what you’re talking about

yeah well there’s a

bunch of arrests too because Somalia is fucking buck

wild man you know that people’s Coast Guard of Somalia

those guys that are just jacking people

every day out there I know the

giants are weak

I remember those guys

do you know what they’re doing up you know the whole

thing about Somali

pirates you know

they’re high on a drug

they take this thing called cat it’s like a plant that

they chew like the leaves of this plant

and it’s a narcotic it’s like crystal meth

I was like the boy soldiers over there

I don’t know

what’s the boy soldiers that’s like when you’re

8 years old but you’re a soldier

oh well yeah

I mean there’s the war out over there is incredible

yeah I mean you

you see dudes with like hyenas

on chains and they’re

carrying around fucking

rocket launchers down the streets I mean some of

the like Liberia like some of the

videos about

you ever seen the Vice

Guide series online

these guys they go to the some of the craziest fucking

places in the

world and you see some of the nuttiest shit like

they went to the Arctic Circle

with this guy who lives up there in a fucking

cabin in the Arctic Circle and hunts caribou all day

that’s all he does

like hunts and eats and hunts and eats

so it happens when you tap out yeah

now you this guy’s been there for

30 years though

it’s really fascinating but anyway they went to

North Korea

and they also went to

Liberia and

Liberia is fucking

crazy they are

first of all there’s

been there’s been war in

Liberia forever

Liberia was

basically founded

from what I

understand is they had American

slaves they let go

and they sent them back to Africa and they formed

Liberia and the UN was there

until like really

recently like 1020 years ago or something like that

and now they’re gone and the

place is just chaos

it’s just war and cannibalism is running rampant

they’re eating each

other left and right

they sell like

human food on the corner like human meat

and people don’t

know it and they buy it and guys turn people in

this one guy

his name was General Butt

Naked because he

would go to war and he

would get Butt Naked

and he believed that he

could not be killed because he

would eat the

blood and flesh

of an innocent

child of the

enemy so they

would go to the

enemy’s camp

they would steal a

child kill the

child and eat a

piece of its fucking

heart because

they felt like they

wouldn’t be able to die in combat this is a guy that’s

alive right now

sounds like a plan

you don’t realize how fucking

crazy the world can be

until you watch what’s

going on in Africa uh

yeah I mean

I don’t know

I take a lot

of comfort in knowing that I can only die once

how do you think

I don’t think like

you work out too much

you wouldn’t be

worth he is T

Joe be like a flank steak

you know just some tough

piece of meat you know

you want something

more Joey Diaz

would be delicious oh

you’d be like veal

and you could sell them for days

if you think

about the way Africa is

right now with a lot of countries like

Liberia and Somalia it really is like the

apocalypse like if that was going on right here

if that was over here

if we were in fucking

north Hollywood there was gangs they were eating each

other and fucking shooting each

other and walking on the street with hyenas

we would go okay the end is here

this is the end yeah but you know I love

about that shit

those are the guys who win

all these who’s that not Bill

Bixby what the hell’s the name of that guy the the guy

with the he’s been riding a bicycle out here forever

solar panels and not Bill Bixby

ed Bagley Jr Oh

I’m bad with the names

that green show yeah that

he he’s gonna be at the

apocalypse comes he’s

gonna be fucked

I have this theory that people who gather

all this shit for it if you don’t have

you need a militia

cause if you

don’t all you’re doing is you’re just turning your

house into a

supply room

the target yeah for the

toughest guys who come down

the block and then just take it from you

my car’s like that my car has like walkie

talkies in it

it’s got fucking like

every single like

like sleeping bags just in case I have to escape this

city real quick but it’s

starting to get retarded

like I have

like batteries

that can recharge by the sun and

stuff like that do you realize the

level of heads up that you how

on the inside you’d have to be that this entire city

wouldn’t be like gridlock

right of people leaving yeah

yeah oh this city

would be the worst ever

they don’t even know how many

people in LA that’s why I won’t fill out the census

they’re like you know fill out the census

what the fuck is the point

there’s about

20,000,000 Mexicans that you don’t have a

count on like they

literally have no idea how many Mexicans are here

it’s fucking just a flat out guess and

I’m not shit on Mexicans I

would do the goddamn same thing

my grandparents

were immigrants I

would be I got

no problem with immigration I don’t even believe in

countries I

think the whole

thing is ridiculous

I mean I think if they came over here yeah I

would fuck things up but you

know what it’s really that’s how it’s supposed to be

you’re not supposed

to keep people impoverished in a shitty

place just because you

know you claim this

patch of dirt you won’t let him over here I

think that’s

ridiculous you know if there

weren’t countries

and you just allowed to just sort of cruise around

like where would you go

that would be the problem is

things would they

would level out

the problem

is you let people go and move to wherever they want

and people are always

gonna move to the

place where it’s better and they’re

gonna abandon

their shitty place

but if you don’t

allow them they have to stay in

their shitty

place and make

their shitty

place better

which they’re

never gonna fucking do

so you ensure that there’s always gonna be

levels of people

the only way to keep levels

other than that is just

fucking be heavily armed

you have to be

armed to the teeth

your whole town

would have to be an armory

you know like

literally if you wanted to keep people out

you would have to like

constantly be

shooting people

the weapons they have now

I just love

how they’ve been

stealing money from our paychecks to

basically invent these

weapons that’ll make it impossible

for they’ll

never be another revolution no

other than you know who’s doing it

right is that guy out there in the Carolinas the

Blackwater guy or whatever

whatever the fuck it’s called

what are you talking about

that the Bill Bixby

guy up there

the Bill Bixby

that fucking dude

who he buys like old F 16s and old tanks

and he basically they’re saying if he wanted to

could take over

the White House in all of DC

by the time they fucking responded

who the fuck is this guy

uh he’s fucking he’s a

No no no black water so this is a private contractor

yeah yeah I can’t believe Jesus Christ

I can’t believe you haven’t heard of the guy no

well I know though there’s that one guy that was a

black comedy central has a development deal with them

he’s the final guy

in show business if he was funny they would do it

yeah he has like

he’s got like his own

thing did it come up Eric Prince

isn’t that the guy that got Pop for murder

he’s being processed for

about no he’s the guy he actually has his own

basically I from what I’ve heard has his own militia

and he actually hired

he gets hired out

by the US government for

them to go over there when they want to do some covert

extra filthy shit yeah

this is the I

have a friend who

works it there I have a friend who went over there

to work for who

he worked for

black Water he went over there

twice dude 2

seconds ago you

asked me who they were

no I know who

Black Water is I don’t know who this guy is that

stores all this weapons and I

thought you

were talking

about the head guy a

private guy

no no well I have a friend who

he was a sniper in the Marines

and when he got out he went back over he went back I

think he went to both Afghanistan and Iraq but he

definitely went to Afghanistan

he went twice for

money because

he was opening up a gym a

mixed martial arts gym and he needed some cash

so I just went over there for a few

months and he made like

some ridiculous amount of money like

something like

$10,000 a month or something like that was a lot of

money so for him

and they go over for a couple

months make

30 grand you know

did he do like the the


my talk about go up in the bell

tower yeah yeah he was in a bell tower

yeah there was times

where he was in a tower

it’s Eric Prince is the owner of

Black Water so I’m

guessing that’s yeah

that’s the guy that’s in

trouble right

right and he’s like fleeing and he’s in

trouble see

they had to take them down because he got too

powerful because he

could basically

that guy could write out

any sort of

uprising any sort of craziness

they done to me went

crazy whatever it’s just like yeah I got guns

and an endless bag of

snow peas and

a bunch of mercenaries

loyal to you these

paid forever

you know you’ve been paying these guys to do all

these campaigns

for you overseas they’re all murderers for you

and you know you keep

those guys online say hey you know we’re

gonna run this shit I’m

gonna take care of you you take care of me

you know simplify


black water for life

the whole deal and then they go

and when it

goes down they can defend

it but then what always ends up happening is eventually

somebody always wants your

title so someone

would want to be him

and that’s oh yeah

that’s how it

goes down that’s how it goes down in Mexico

the drug you know

it’s just a

matter of time before something happens with one of

those fucking guys you get a guy’s got that much power

that many jets

and fucking machine guns and tanks and shit he’s

gonna get a little nutty

you want to use them

you know what I mean

it’s like about a bag of fireworks he’s gonna

stick them in the corner of your bedroom

wait till the next 4th of July you’re not occasionally

gonna light off an M80 oh

they like to use them

have you ever I mean this is the first time

you know in

human history or rather in the

history of the United States that we’ve had a deal with


we haven’t had


in this country in a long long long fucking time

this whole like

giant mercenary corporation sort of a thing

this is very recent

this is just

Cheney and Bush

they didn’t use

mercenaries during Clinton

there was no

mercenaries during the

Jimmy Carter days you know

this is some

crazy shit shady

and Bush the Hall and Oates

I mean the fact

that they can hire

these people

to go do shit that you’re not supposed to do

they can shit

that’s not in the Geneva Convention shit that’s

totally illegal we’ve been doing that for a while

I know we have but we

haven’t been doing this openly

you know oh yeah no they

company to do it

well I think it’s like

for that but I

think it’s like when

wrestling finally just came out and said it’s

sports entertainment they like all

right you know we hire

these guys for

some filthy shit what do you want from us it’s

entertaining though right

yeah and they

changed it to WWE

let’s change the name of Blackwater

what is it now I don’t know something short some

you know there’s something happier yeah

bunny Rabbits Incorporated

clear water

fresh drink

fresh drinking

water for everybody

his babies are us yeah

arrowhead yeah

we love the children that’s they

changed it to

yeah I don’t know

there’s 2 schools of thought one is

the world’s a fucked up

place look at what’s

going on in Africa look what’s

going on in the Middle East

don’t you want somebody over there protecting you

they’re just trying to keep America cool keep our

standard alive keep our

standard of

living the same

I see that argument too

but then you know you see also the

other argument

I don’t believe in that whole

that those guys

have to live the way they live so I live the way I live

so those guys on top can have as much as they have

well that’s definitely

much more likely

you know what was pissing me off the

other day like

but I think they also do keep

it’s a 2 fold argument

one it’s like they keep conflict

going on and the more conflict they keep

going on the more we’re

gonna need government the

more we’re gonna need

protection I

mean that’s been proven that they create conflict

in other parts of the

world in order to control

regions they’ll arm someone

if their enemy

is you know the

other side and they’ll fuck with things I

mean we manipulated yeah but all that bullshit

where they go

where they say

where they justify like

sweatshop labor and moving factories

out of the US

and you know

they just went around the

unions and then

they just justified it by saying you know

they always say in order

to compete in a global economy it’s like

fuck you in

order for you

to get another yacht

yeah you know what I mean you can’t legally pay a

child you know whatever the fuck they pay over there

in America yeah

yeah you can’t

do it so they just went around all of that shit

and then they

stuck all of everybody’s in cubicles now

that’s when I

go on the road

gets to who is they

see because we were just talking

about the military before we were talking

about the military now we’re talking about


I’m talking

about big business

where I think corporations are at the end

every quarter they have to show a profit

they’re at the end

of legal ways to do it

so now they’re just straight up

beginning to steal

like my fucking bank that’s taking 28

bucks a month out of my account for no reason

I didn’t even notice you know on the road one of

those fucking accounts you just you know have

a couple on a

bun I finally said dude

why are you taking 28

bucks out of this and they did

on the on the laptop oh yeah we shouldn’t be doing that

yeah go alright well

I’ve had this

for 5 years let’s go back they go unfortunately sir

our records only go back 4

months yeah well

that convenient

I bet if I was getting 28

bucks from you

you know the

other way I bet

that they would fucking go back to the 60s same

thing happened to me

it was 3 months

and this is what they said to me

I said what if I

bring in all my records what if I

bring in all my records and then they go

sir it was still we’re only

going to reimburse you

4 months I go

got that that’s that’s ridiculous

and then the guy at the

bank goes well the bank looks at it like that’s on you

right because I didn’t

judge you to pay attention that they’re

stealing from

paying attention yeah it’s what he was

basically saying

what he was

basically saying was lawyer up

and yeah why

you up buddy go

ahead pretty much how it works is that’s why you have

30 days you know for credit cards you have

30 days to return shit you have

30 days to make sure all

these charges are correct once you get past

30 days then you’re pretty much

screwed do they do

other shit where

if you if you say you’re one of

these guys I pay off my balance every

month and you

think you’re getting them

this is what they do is if

if you pay it

3 days before

this guy was telling me it ends up being late

because they send

it somewhere else to be processed they deliberately

they artificially delay it

so by the time it does get to that

it’s messed up and this is

one of those

other things someone told me that in a Starbucks

and I got 3

chords away through

the sentence and I realized I didn’t have any official

right I do know who’s there I do know there has to be

something artificial because nowadays you can write a

check and within

hours that check

clears your bank

I’m like that’s a

check and it’s

going through in 2

hours and I’m like yes this is you know

technology isn’t

changed in the banking

system so this is new

but yet if you try to

pay something off or do something like that it’s like


I mean it takes like

3 days on your like transfer funds

right you know it takes like

3 days what

it makes no

sense because

it’s not there

it’s artificial

however long they can hold on to your

money they make interest off your

money too so I

guess if you think

about that that like you know if they hold on to your

money an extra few days before they do something

and you add

that up over you know the million people they have in

their bank and the 365 days a year

that practice

probably nets them a significant amount of

money if you look

28 bucks from

every shit like me who doesn’t

check for a fucking year

and I didn’t notice when it

until it went

under a thousand

bucks because

I knew I had a thousand something in there

it was one of the thing

counts I had back east

so I came out here and I was always meaning to

close it out

I had like 1200

bucks or something in it and then all of a

sudden I’m out

here for like a year and 1/2 and all of a

sudden I get my statement

and it was like down to like 900 something

bucks and that is on me

it is on me

cause I didn’t realize that your bank

could fucking

steal from you and then just

say well you know go fuck yourself that’s kind of your

fault tell you what

we’ll give you like 8090 bucks back

all right then

what they gave you they gave you like

3 months back

I don’t even know if they did the guy just said he

would I walked out disgusted and then

the NBA finals

started Fred Durk

and I started

watching that and I

never followed up

there’s actually something that just passed you guys

especially the audience

might want to

check this out

used to be a credit card like a bank or a credit card

if you had like

7 charges go through at the same time

they can take out

all those 7 charges and then charge you

7 overdraft

fees that’s how they used to be able to do it

but something just passed recently that you

could tell your credit cards and your bank

that if there’s no

money in your account you are not allowed to pull

money out so

they’re trying to trick you

into signing and

going no let’s

keep it the old way so they’ll call you up or

they’ll tell you like hey

you know you want to make sure all

these charges go through right

yeah well you need to accept

these is that

what that letter was

about that new letter is

so what you

do what I blew off yeah you don’t blow it off

tell all your credit card companies know

that if there is no

money in the account you don’t

want it to go through and you’ll save yourself all

those over you’ll

never have an overdraft charge

again so they’re forcing overdraft fees on people

they’re trying to

but they’re trying to go back to the old way

where like you

would have 7

things go through like a 3

charge and then you get charged 39

for an overdraft fee

you’re like well

why did it go through

I had no money in my account

you made a deposit to

cover it they

input the deposit last

right and then Bam Bam Bam

and they nail

it well deposit takes you know 90 days to go through

where the charge only takes

3 seconds yeah so

sorry sir I know I

understand there’s nothing we can do I love that that’s

what you always get there’s nothing we can do I’m

sorry I don’t nip

got on a plane ticket the

other day and I show up and all of a

sudden I don’t

have a seat reservation I have one on the way out

well it’s oversold

well I didn’t do that

and then the lady has an attitude with me

and it’s like what the fuck I

spent 4 500 bucks

they asked me

where I wanted to sit I picked out the fucking seat

and I was told to

have a reservation and then you oversold you oversold

you do that

with a car yeah so you

somebody pays

for a car and you go okay your car is waiting for you

and the guy comes down no

no it was oversold

yeah I oversold that

should be against the law

I wanted to make sure I sold the car so I sold it twice

yeah but that’s not even as bad

because you can get in your car and fucking drive home

imagine if they go

to somebody drop job no

no we oversold whatever car you have

so they had to come and take yours

and took it away and you’re fucking sitting in your

house going yeah but I have to go to the airport

I’m sorry sir there’s nothing we could do

how account

how can they do that I don’t care if they’re losing

money how can they sell more seats and there are seats

that should be that

should be I think

they figured out a way

to have like remember

10 years ago when used to go on the road

how many times

was the seat next to you empty

and occasionally you’d get the

whole row and you

curl up back in the good old days

the good old days right

the good old days when does that happen now and it

never happens now because they’ll always say like

they cancel

flights and jam

people together there you go they don’t give a fuck

about your convenience that’s

right and they’ll

just give away tickets to people that will

like hey you get a free

ticket if you you know

wait till the next flight so they’re

not actually overselling it because they’ll get rid of

those tickets for you you know what

though when the way I look at it

that you have to have fucking airlines or I

wouldn’t have a job I

literally need airlines to get

along no no I’m not most people don’t I’m not

against airlines I’m not even I mean

I only have a whatever that I

don’t I hate that too but

whatever the fuck they have to do is stay in business

for us for comics

could you imagine if you had a fucking

drive to all your gigs

could you imagine if you had a

drive if you had a New York gig

okay I got a gig in on Friday in New York so it’s

Monday I’m packing up my car

could you fucking imagine no you don’t be

great would would be

immediately how regional all our comedy would be

back in Boston

yeah I had like jokes when I uh

there was a

chain like 7 11 called christie’s remember that yeah

I’ll never forget the first time I did a gig

outside of Boston

I think it was like New Hampshire

and I had some

stupid joke

about winning the lottery

how nobody respects

you like you move into a rich neighborhood

and they’re like what do you do I’m a doctor I did this

I’m a brain surgeon

what do you do I say oh I went to christie’s like

meaning I got a lottery

ticket it wasn’t even a good fucking joke to begin with

and then I went up to New Hampshire

and I told the

joke and I’m like I went to christie’s it was the

first time I used a

reference that nobody fucking got

and I was remember

that high 5 you were gone by then the high 5 gig

where was that the top of the

only skyscraper in like Manchester New Hampshire oh no

one yeah yeah and I

ate my balls

I used to do

a lot of local material

when I was living in Boston because it

would kill you

know see jokes

about girls

in Revere with a big bulletproof hairdos and

a lot of like regional shit

and then when I

would go on the road it was like I was disarmed

like none of my

references would work

I would tell Revere

beach joke and you

would get like


laughter in Boston

but when you’re on the road they just

okay where’s the joke

well you remember

those guys and they’d go down to Jersey and be like

what’s the equivalent to Revere

Beach down here you

gotta like yes

you gotta regionalize all your references

the only time that’s happened

lately is if I go over to Europe

and I was saying

to somebody the

other day one of the few

things that not only I didn’t have to change

but fucking destroyed

was a reference to

Rick Flair really that

wrestler Rick Flair that’s how big those guys are

wow fucking destroyed in London

Dublin and Glasgow Scotland

well they have a lot of American

you know American culture over there England

especially I find it English

American comedians

translate way

quicker to England than England do to American

yeah we’re like yeah we’re

stuck with snobs over

here we hear like a British accent we’re like English

yeah but I mean it’s

but I’m saying like the comedy doesn’t

translate as well

they have a very specific type of

humor but they get ours you know

yeah I don’t know what what I feel like

I felt when British comedians

or comedians

from over there I either love them

or I Not only

do I not like them but I feel like

they’re like 15 years behind the time which is

so nice over there it’s

almost like the attitude they have as a country as a

culture hampers

their ability to tell real

stand up cause real

stand up there’s a part of real

stand up was like what the fuck are you doing

you know they don’t have that

they don’t get that but somehow it

comes out in their

music though like it always

seems like you know

everything from like the Sex Pistols

fucking Ozzy Osbourne

these all these

these broke

angry fucking dudes it comes out of

fighting too there’s a lot of tough MMA

guys that come out of you yeah somehow I’m trying to

think they’re more polite there’s something

about their humor

it’s just like

you know what is it’s cheeky

isn’t that the word that

they use cheeky

I don’t know what it is it just

some of them are really good you know

but some of them are just

it just doesn’t

you know and I think

first of all the

style of comedy that you and I come from to

you get very spoiled

for a certain

particular type of comedy

Boston comedy

is a very specific kind of comedy

if you stop and think

about how many good

comics have come from Boston

you know Jay

Leno came from

Boston Steven Wright came from Boston guys

that people don’t know that are probably better than

90% of the fucking people that are like big name

comics like Gavin

don gavin’s one of

the funniest guys ever walked the fucking face of the

Earth yeah he’s he’s a

monster he’s a

masterful I

think it’s all like the East

Coast I think all the way down to like DC

the amount of guys

but I think that’s also

I also think it was

because we’re from

yeah Boston does have because

they didn’t leave

they didn’t leave

those guys stayed there

no one left Boston the big monsters

Steve Sweeney

Kenny Rogerson

those don Gavin

Mike Donovan

when I was a kid okay and

when I first

started doing open mics there

and those guys were all the national headliners or the

local headliners

rather they’d be at nick’s and they’d be at

The Connection

I remember sitting there

watching those guys and they

would have like some

national guy

would come through like

Billy Crystal

and Billy Crystal

would come through

and they would put on

don Gavin Steve

Sweeney and

Lenny Clark in a row

and then bring up

Billy Crystal

yeah it wasn’t

fair they did it on purpose yeah oh yeah

they knew that the

level of comedy was so high there and

these guys were only doing 20 minutes

height to say 20 minutes left

but they’re

also doing a lot of them were doing

local references

dude I don’t give if you put on 4

local headliners

yeah in front of me

if I’m on the road yeah I’m

fucked you’re fucked

well you’re fucked for the

first couple minutes

until you can get them into your groove

but people love

local shit and Boston

especially Boston is such

a city that’s

in love with being from Boston

so like Donovan

was one of my favorite his name

doesn’t get brought up enough not enough

that that he used to do that joke about uh

had some some he is

comedy was so blue collar and I was coming up

you know working in

warehouses and

stuff it was

where my both my parents were professional

white collar but I was a moron

so I fucked up in

school so I had like blue

color job so

his comedy was just

right out over the place

he did something

he had some sort of back and forth with the boss

and he made this

reference you know

basically tell him

the boss to go fuck himself he said I’ll take a

20 minute shit on the

clock if I want to

and I fucking

fell out because it was always that lazy fuck

wouldn’t help unload the

trucks he had

every goddamn

trick in the book on how to somehow make that

8 hour day go by and one of them

was when he

would grab the Herald of the

Globe to go take

shit and it would somehow take like fucking

forty minutes

every day donovan was a

he’s another one he’s a master

there was a bunch of guys

that were around back then i mean they’re

still around i’m sure donovan

if you live in boston you could probably find him

headlining somewhere

i mean still doing comedy i’m sure right

i know he ran afoul into the irs for a bit

he owed a lot of those guys that were working for cash

for a long time they weren’t paying

taxes on it i didn’t hear anything

about that i

heard they were all up to date

i don’t know i don’t know what you’re talking

about yeah you’re

right you know what i misheard

i misheard i

think those those guys out in long island i

think some of

them did yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah i miss her

oh here’s another one who

doesn’t get brought up

teddy bergeron

you ever get a chance to see

teddy bears run

holy shit that guy was good

let me tell you something

i saw that guy in 1988 i was at an open mic night

it was one of the

first times that i thought

about quitting comedy

i went up yeah

it was an open mic

night and i

went up and i you know i did my little five minutes of

fucking nonsense

stupid terrible bad comedy

just trying to make people

laugh didn’t know what the fuck i was doing

and didn’t go so good you know

those early sets it was like one of my

third or fourth sets so i’m not so good clumsy

you know maybe one

laugh and then i fuck it up with a swag

punchline and i just didn’t know what’s

doing teddy

bergeron goes up and

just so fucking smooth

smooth and relaxed

and the way he

would talk just like mesmerizing

and i had heard

about his tonight

show fucking said he just done the tonight show

and somebody had a

video of it

and they played the

video and he plays the fucking

piano he does like this talks

about commercials

and he plays the

piano and talk someone

it’s so fucking

smooth and so good

you would look at him and go okay this guy’s

gonna be gigantic this guy’s

gonna be bigger than

robin williams he’s

gonna be the biggest

stand up comic in the country

never left boston

just stayed

yeah they all stayed i don’t yeah they were they were

it was like townies

they were like townies but uh

but comedians but they all

got work they

all got work in boston they didn’t have to leave see

when they were working

at next comedy stop and they were working at you know

stitches and all

these different clubs

they could hop around from club to club like

there’s that that

you see that documentary france

almeida did

stand up stood out yeah

and you know lenny

clark talks

about all the different sets that he did he

would do all

these different sets of

night now we’d go from here to

there and there to there and there to there and close

they’d be making 1500 bucks a

night yeah and he just hire a driver

just to wait outside

and do all the sets what i loved

about those guys

is there was almost like a height

requirement too like they were all like fucking six two

six three huge guys

and they could like

literally would have like a keg of beer

over one shoulder and like an

eight ball in

their hand and

would just be

going from club to club destroying destroying

and hammered and doing

blow all the way just to keep that buzz

going and then and then the end of the

night dude i

heard some fuck

that that back room at nick’s man somebody oh

they offered to pay me a coke

what yeah they

would offer to pay you

in coke yeah

that was the deal

did they go you do coke

well no we could pay you in coke

no i’ll take cash yeah i’ll take cash what

the fuck like i

thought that

was a joke i didn’t realize they pay you in coke

they offer to pay you in coke and that

was what a lot of guys did a lot of guys got some of

their money in coke

cause i guess

are comedians and porn stars to

two careers that

can get paid and coke

if it had to come down to it yeah i

would say probably bands too

probably a lot of bands a portion of

the boxers back in the day but

djs they’d give you some

chips you ever see that i know it’s just a photo op

thing do you ever see that

great picture of

sunny liston

yeah where he

looks like he just

knocked somebody out and he’s sitting there

still in his boxer trunks

hands taped up i

think his hands were on but that had to been a


even those mob guys be like come on sonny let’s

get you showered

up a little

let’s get you showered

don’t you think the

starting out in boston was like one of the best

places you could have ever

chose to begin your comedy career i think

about that a lot so

lucky whenever i

think about that cause when did you start what year i

started in march of 92

i was like 23 almost 24 so i

started a little bit late

and i remember

just some of the times like when i’ve gone on the road

and you meet

the up and coming guys like yeah the comedy

scene here sucks

and blah blah blah blah like

it sucks so bad like don’t even know what to do

and you always tell them well just go out and

start a room

like some of them like

you know the

scene so bad they don’t even

think of doing that it’s like

what do you mean

start a room it’s like go pick a fucking sports bar

that does no business

on a monday tuesday

and tell them that you’re

gonna get people in here you know lie to them

you know you’re

gonna get people to come in to watch

these fucking open micers do five minutes each

dude the first time i ate my

fucking balls on

stage i was doing this

place like kelly

something or other

in either redding or

north redding it doesn’t

exist anymore this comedian jack

lynch booked it

and there would

literally be like a bruins game on tv

and they wouldn’t shut the game off

either fuck no

no you gotta

do comedy over

the game yeah and the volume for the game was

still on too

yeah a lot of

those gigs down the cape i did a lot of those gigs

and you’d find out the fucking game was on

while you got there

fuck the game

they’re gonna

leave the game on

there was like an always an

issue yeah you’re

gonna leave the game

and if they said are we’re

gonna turn the game off

they would turn the game off everybody go what the fuck

you fucking shot the game off

you shut the fuck

and then you

would have to go do comedy for a

bunch of people were angry

at you for shutting the game off

it was brutal and i remember

the second question

other than are you

gonna are you

gonna shut the game off is there a stage

that’s another thing now

you just stand

you just stand

right over there dude i remember doing a gig

this is how

green we were it was me

al del benny

patrice o’neal

and i want to say dane cook was on it

and we were

bobby kelly

i think it was his gig that he booked we were so

green and years

later i finally figured it out

they gave us this

microphone it was a lapel mic

so we had to go up and do

comedy with

just like a lapel on like we were doing letterman

but we were so

green we didn’t know that you clipped it on through all

standing there holding

i swear to god

holding a lapel mic i remember

patrice he’s like fucking six five

hold it because i remember

that’s why del benny

al del benny

was hosting is like what the fuck is up with this mic

he’s like this is the

smallest mic ever look i’ll put it my head in his mouth

and we’re all

laughing at them like yeah

what a half assed fucking gig and we were so stupid

that we didn’t

understand what it was and like he would let

it al would

bring me up and

then hand me the mic like a teacup with his pinkies out

picky out and i

would just be like hey keep it going

yeah my dad was

he was pretty nuts growing up with like

three fingers up in the air holding this

thing have you done

stand up on a talk show with a lapel mic

yeah i actually really like it do you

yeah you ever

thought about

going bobby

brown style on

stage y’all

ready for this i know

chris titus does that

titus wears like a headgear thing

i don’t like that i don’t like jackets and i don’t like

i don’t like the head

i don’t know how you do comedy

with a jacket on i don’t mind it if it’s cold

if it’s cold i wear a jacket i

can wear a zip

up i can wear a zip up but the

sport coat it just

doesn’t move with the

shirt i wore a

sport coat the

first time i went on

stage because i thought that’s how you supposed to

dress out of

sport coat with the

sleeves rolled up like

this i was talking

about that miami

vice t shirt a

wacky t shirt t

shirt with like a

silly smile on it

i thought that’s how

in a pin i had like a button or something on my fucking

sports coat did you guys see chris rock on lino the

other day just owning

oh that was so

great what happened

buddy just fucking with it

like jay what you doing here

last time i was here is a dude with red hair

and then he

started saying that

kevin the man guy

you got a cheaper brother and

the guys like man that’s cold because he’s he’s pretty

funny he attacked

he attacked it’s uncomfortable

he kept on going into

like you can tell jay when you like

something else

that is one of the most amazing

things i’ve ever seen

what is how he got that show back

yeah it’s crazy

i don’t i don’t disagree with him though look you know

everybody puts it this way look

the guy was on top he was fucking number one number one

and they come

along and say we’re

gonna lose you or

we’re gonna lose conan

unless we give him the

tonight show so we want to give him the tonight show

and he’s like what fucking really you’re

gonna take my gang away from me

and so he goes okay all right i’m

under duress

offers to give up the gig in five years see that

thing but he’s number one i don’t

think it’s under

arrest he was number brilliant

i think he’s

brilliant but he was number one so he gets kicked off

they put this

new guy and the new guy is bombing he’s eating dick

okay that’s what no one wants to talk about

conan o’brien

on the tonight show wasn’t that good yeah but you

know that’s bullshit

because leto’s doing the

exact same ratings right now

as conan was

on a time out

no no we’re

gonna go back to that

dropped substantially

it dropped substantially from

where it was before

from where it was when lenno was hosting it to work

at the ratings in

i can refuse

conan hold on a

second they fucked conan

by not letting him do any of his

couldn’t do the masturbating bear

couldn’t do all these

different sketches

couldn’t do

triumph the

insult dog couldn’t do any of that shit

because it’s

an 11 o’clock show they fucked up if when jay

leno got the tonight show

if he had to

follow johnny carson bombing for an hour you’re totally

right about that i mean

that was the

worst decision ever but that’s like if a comedian

bombs in front of you

for a half hour

in front of you i mean you gotta

spend not only that you gotta

jack the tonight

show because the tonight show was always the

late night show

where guys would go on and all the

guests would go on

and it would

be like an important spot well the 10 o’clock spot

became just as important

so he was like they were like siphoning off

guests like

you know you couldn’t have a guy who’s

promoting you know mel gibson goes on

jay leno show and then goes on tonight show as well

no you’re only

gonna have one or the other

like tv is all

about the landing

for guests so the brilliance of it

was j bombing

actually fucked conan

they gave conan

we had the show for like six months

right before they were

started going like all

right let’s get this guy out and he got it back now

i think i think taking i

think it was a brilliant

away from it i

think it was a brilliant

brilliant the way jay

played it was

absolutely brilliant i don’t

think and bombed

on purpose no no i’m not saying

bond on purpose but the way he played it like yeah

yeah sure i’ll do it and then the fucking 12th hour

yeah i’m gonna leave but

i’m not retiring and then they

freak the fuck out

so like he now i don’t

at least how we look at it like i

understand jay being like look i the number

one show what are you kicking me off for he’s totally

right about that

but i also i don’t look at conan like he failed like

conan got fucked conan

got fucked yes he got fucked because i completely

agree but what i’m saying is

you got to realize that jay

leno had the

number one spot he was number one in the late

night wars before

they gave it to conan

so why would he

give a fuck if they gave the show to conan

offered it back to him why

would he not take it

conan took it

from him i don’t you know but everybody’s making out

like jay is this asshole for taking conan’s job like

wait conan took his job

conan’s not a he’s not a poor man he’s a rich man

like we’re really

worried about

but what’s fucked up

about is conan keeps saying don’t feel bad for me

he made he made a

great little

said a great little

thing on his last episode he said don’t be cynical

you know blah blah

i hate people

who are cynically said this really positive

thing don’t feel bad

for me played fucking free bird with the band

went out like a man and that was it he’s

never bitched

about it already that type

of shit dude they gave him

forty fucking million dollars

i think that

would suit smooth

things over a

bit see no matter

what kona does he’s an asshole i don’t

think he’s an

asshole and

he also and

he also gave

a lot of that

money he gave a lot of that

money out to people he worked with i

know they wanted to fucking move back

felt bad those guys yes the only

thing that i find annoying

about jay leno

is acting as though

he he isn’t

a shrewd businessman that

whole i mean i

think i’m going to yes

he does do that

but if that’s how he

wants to portray himself

that’s fine that’s the but i’m saying that’s the only

thing that fucking

annoys about the

whole thing i don’t know the only

thing that annoyed me was when everybody’s

making a big deal like jay’s taking conan’s job

but conan took jay’s job

and jay took johnny’s job he

fucking forced him out did he really yeah i don’t know

about that how did

he force him out

ah that fucking book i read

i read the late shift

and a fucking book i read

the fucking late shift book

i read hilarious how much people pay attention to

these late night wars no but this this the

thing though

if if jay only got

first of all

jay without johnny bombing in

front of him

going on if they like fucking er

and seinfeld and all

those hit shows dude

it still took him eighteen months

remember letterman was kicking the shit out of yes

until you got hugh grant on

it took him

18 months you know

you know it’s

really funny

about to give

him only six fucking

months and he’s got to follow the previous host

eating his balls for a half hour in

front of him

it was it was bullshit

they should

have ridiculous idea it was a

ridiculous idea they were just afraid to let conan go

and conan was like look i want the fucking tonight show

and they didn’t want to give it to him

to go back and forth and so they give it to him to give

they thought that jay’s numbers were gonna drop

yeah in five years they’re like alright he’s

gonna be pushing 60

who’s gonna want to watch this

now that’s the

dumbest thing ever a guy’s gonna what

johnny carson got better as he got older

that’s ridiculous

this is what i

think i think conan is

gonna be way better off

on a network that

just lets him do whatever the fuck he wants i think

tbs is gonna

own great show

dude he owns that show

it’s gonna be so much he’s brilliant

and you know

when conan is at his best

when you get to see how

funny it is like you ever see that one

sketch they did

about baseball

a bunch of people who play baseball like 1800s baseball

they have like a

they wear vintage

clothes they make

their own oh yeah

yeah i saw this fucking

genius hilarious

cause he just goes balls out it’s just him you know

it’s just him being funny

if you think

i guarantee

you they fucked with them too much when they

switched him over to 11 o’clock they probably cut

all the meat and anything controversial

out of his monologues or out of his sketches

they probably stopped him from doing a lot of shit

yeah and he

said when he left don’t feel bad for me and people are

still saying that he’s uh

he’s whining

which i don’t get i mean he did he did jokes

about it in his

model up what the fuck he’s supposed to do

now is just

sitting there talking about

maybe you’re

gonna get replaced you’re

supposed to go out there and be like hey do you see the

earthquake in

haiti it was

funny when they

had a car i

think it was a bugatti

a million dollar car and they played the rolling

stones get no satisfaction

and there was a

sketch just to

spend money

oh yeah i saw that yeah

which i’m sure is bullshit it is

but it’s still pretty

funny it’s pretty

funny that he did it like that

speaking of that i was

watching one of

those car auctions the other

yesterday and i’m just sitting there looking at all

these awesome old cars that i would love

to own and as the price kept

going up and up and up on some fucking like ferrari

it just was just i

started to resent the people in the

crowd like are

these the bankers

is this what they did with the trillion

who the fuck has the money

they think there was some

if you can bring

it up for your listeners there’s a fucking car in 1958

that bmw made

it was designed by a guy

who actually was in refrigerating or whatever

literally the

front of the car

fucking opens up like a refrigerator you walk out the

front and there’s one back door

it’s like a mini car

be a 1950 i

think it’s a bmw 600 or 300

nineteenth there it is bring that

thing up okay what the fuck it’s a hunk of shit

it’s the i said

i s e t t a nineteen

fifty oh i’ve seen that before i seen

a little mini yeah

it looks just like it

there’s one in

this european

car magazine

spent around so we can see so basically

it’s got one wiper in the front it’s

a five year old

could get license to

drive the thing so this guy paid like eleven

grand for he’s like you know i’m hoping to get thirty

thirty five

thirty five

i got forty fucking

thing went for sixty seven five

sixty seven thousand dollars for that

sixty seven thousand

five hundred dollars

for that hunk of shit guys like jay leno

close car collector dudes they like to have like

old cars like rare old cars yeah i don’t mind

j’s money’s clean

he didn’t stand up he’s doing that i’m talking

about these other fucking guys it’s like you’re not

famous know who’s in the audience

where they got their money

from dude what do they all invented playstation maybe

they own farms they fucking they sell lcd

electronics who knows

that’s what i’m saying

what are these fucking bankers spend all that

money on dude they took a trillion dollars

where did it go

they’re at the fucking car auctions the amazing

thing about that whole banker

thing the whole bailout was that those guys

still wanted bonuses

they still wanted bonuses even though

their bank failed and the government had to give them

billions of dollars they like let’s

be honest they got the fucking

houses they got

the bailout

money they kept it

then they’re fucking guys like me

twenty eight

bucks a month a records only go back four months

and they kept the

money and they got the fucking

houses back to do it

again they’re

gonna do it

again cunts

sweating they should get the

death penalty

you touch a kid you fuck with an animal

or you make

old people eat dog food for the last fifteen years of

their life when they thought they were

gonna live in

their houseboat of

their dreams

you should be fucking murdered

publicly bernie made off dead

screw him bernie made off as a


he’s a lightweight fucked

over like billion that’s nothing

but it was the only fucked over six people

these guys fucked over a

whole country

it’s six look

it up it’s on wikipedia

now bernie made up bernie made up is the sacrificial

and that guy

should be killed too

but he was the guy like the

funny thing is is

people look at bernie made off and they look like like

they well they took down one of the bankers

right he’s not a banker

he was like a fucking an investment banker yeah

don’t know what i’m talking about

he was like one of

those private guys

like joe i know what to do with your fucking money yes

he didn’t have like an atm that you

could use he

was one of those guys the

smith barney guys

right he fucked a lot of employees i’m stupid

well he fucked a

bunch of people that

should have

known better

you know there

was a lot of people that were in the business

that’s how when i just like that i always thought

fucked of the rich people

yeah we fucked up most rich but he fucked also a

bunch of like

different jewish

groups that had

charities he fucked charities over

he fucked a lot of people over

but he was he was fucking over people that were in

the whole the the

the industry the financial industry

so they should have

known what he was doing was fucked up and they

still were but look at the returns

and so they just dove in

even though like none of it made

sense there

was people that were calling for an investigation into

his firm like years and years ago and they

ignored it they just kept going

the guy was the fucking

head of the fcc at one

point in time

or what is it

the new york stock

exchange what was he the head of

nasdaq was it nasdaq he was the head of

i don’t know i

think he was the head of nasdaq and

not fcc he’s the head of nasdaq

and this fucking guy goes on to be the biggest ponzi

scheme mastermind

in the history of the country

that’s pretty incredible a guy that

worked in the system

he must have known

that it’s impossible to figure it out

i never paid attention like i look at the

stock market i see all

those numbers

going back and forth

and i was like what

the fuck is all that what does that even mean you know

somebody knows

the crap table

you know it

seems like it’s all bullshit but look obviously

there’s this alan

greenspan guy seems very bright he’s got

everything under wraps someone knows

until this whole

financial collapse came

along and this bernie maidoff

thing came along i was like oh

they don’t even know

nobody even knows

nobody knows how this

thing works

no it’s a it’s a it’s a belief

system that’s

crazy you at

you have to believe

that it work i

started reading it’s a

i started reading up on it

and i started

you know as i always do i read a little bit and then i

start pontificating

and then two follow up questions and my

whole argument falls on the ground

but after reading

a little bit more i read that book the case

against the fed

and i stopped talking to people

about it because

it’s like if i really

start informing people and everybody knows this

whole thing is

gonna fucking collapse so

i just became part of the line

so now i’m play doh yeah

no that’s all

points that i like

like people

gonna put your

money in the bank it’s safe

that it’s insured

up to 200 really and she

gonna go with insurance companies

the only people

fucking more corrupt

yeah it’s insured

until it isn’t the craziest

thing is when you go to new york and times square

you see that one

building that has the national debt

and how it’s accumulating

and it’s just

spinning just

they had to add an

extra fucking zero to it recently

oh yeah no they coming around they had

like we hit a point

the legal amount of debt were allowed to have

so we didn’t know what the fuck to do so they had a

quick meeting and then they just doubled it

just double like

there you go

okay so now it’s not a problem

we’re only halfway

there now so

uh yeah dude i can

admit like this there’s a lot of terrifying

things about living

out here in

los angeles living in a city that is in a bankrupt

state with the

you know doesn’t really have a

water supply technically

you live in a fucking desert

yeah the property is like

really overrun

and all that crazy

drug cartel shit i mean is


geographically it’s

right down the fucking

street two hours

drive it’s like if you’re living in afghanistan

and the war is two hours away

he’d be like wow we’re pretty

close to this shit

you know saying

if we could

take a road trip you want to go to war today

yeah literally

especially when you’re in san diego

whenever i’m down in san

diego you’re fucking half an hour from

tianana it’s unsettling and those

those you know something this something i wish it was

a mexican comedian here

right now i really

wish it was because this is called willy barcenos

this one i’ve always wondered

is why they got so offended by that sign

that has the running mexicans

the running

family across the

street right

why is that offensive

we don’t want to run over you people

are embarrassed because they’re embarrassed by the idea

that mexicans have to get into this country that way

and oh i get it it’s embarrassing

and it’s not realistic because there’s only

three people in the field

it’s embarrassing

the whole idea

about mexico being that close

you know it’s got to be embarrassing there’s no

other place in the world that i know of where there’s a

first world country connected to a

third world country you know

yeah what the

fuck is the solution see if you open the borders

and you let people go

everywhere that they like i said

this is not

gonna last take

this this this

standard of living that we have in america it

wouldn’t be the same if we had open borders and anybody

could just emigrate

to america it

would get fucked

quick yeah you

gotta have the gated community uh

well that’s what the united

states is it’s

like a big fucking gated community well i don’t

think you should just be able to walk can i

like we get a lot of shit for that i mean can i just

can you just walk into france

someplace some

countries you

can pretty much

go anywhere you want to if you wanted to

you know what i’m saying legally can i just

can i just start

living in france

i don’t know i

think you go there

i know i can go there and

visit and get fucking

do i can actually that’s one of my

things i really want to do is i wanna

i would love to become fluent

and be able to

speak french

and then go over there and act

as the ignorant american just to

hear the shit that they’re saying and just act as dumb

as i possibly

my ex hey where’s the eiffel tower

ain’t that big mona lisa sitting there all


my ex big fucking whoop

blonde hair my ex just

blonde hair girl but

could speak

spanish so it was

great like she

would have her own fun just

going in you know and

listening to people talk

about her when she walked by and

stuff but she

they must talk

did she ever

bust them huh

oh non stop she

would bust them

all the time like we’d be waiting online

at el po loco and they

would say like look at that chicks

tits or something like that

she’d be like what the fuck are you talking

about but like

you know back in spanish or she was giving her

her phone number i don’t know yeah

if you hear like cinco

say yeah cinco cinco

says zero gordo

i got the rosetta

stone spanish

speaking one you want to

learn spanish yeah

dude i got it in

christmas 08

right how many

practice on the box plastic

still on it

it’s like an olympic

like for me it’s like

those fucking

mavis baking

learned how to type

i buy those fucking things

every couple years ago

they got a new

learn how to type program eventually i’m

gonna learn how to type

i type quick but i use fucking

three fingers

i use like these two and this one and i’ll go

every now and then i’ll throw this

motherfucker in the mix

maybe three fingers in this hand and i

would kind of move to two on this hand

so i don’t use

the whole a burn victim

i type like i’ve had my hand smashed with hammers

but i always say i’m

gonna eventually get that fucking

mavis bacon i’m

gonna get on it

dude you’ll be like

i’m really surprised at some of the shit that i finally

like the only

thing i ever worked on was being a comedian

cause i thought it was gonna

solve all my problems people

gonna see me on

stage he’s funny and everybody’s

gonna stop fucking with me

and everything was

gonna work out and then what

ended up happened was the only

thing i was remotely decent at was being a comedian so

i finally learned how to

start fixing shit

like what kind of shit

did i fix my toilet

in new york i got a tenant

back there and he was bitching

about something

we got this fucking

awful landlord

he always comes in i

swear to god with like used parts from

other other

apartments and they

never work so i just looked in the back

i was just picturing how dumb he looks

yet he knows how to do it

so i just i don’t know what i did i went on youtube i

watched a couple of

videos it’s a toilet it’s basic

and i just sort of figured shit out and i listened

i flushed it i looked

and i figured out what the father flapper

it’s a fuckin 8 dollar flapper

and then i got it and i

was like ah fuck how does this go in he just like just

it’s almost like when i got better at computers

where i stopped

freaking out and i just was

like just stop

take in information

process it and

think that’s what i edited

fucking two

second i wish

i had the time the patience and the interest to

build my own car

i would love i love to get one of

those kids corvette like a 67

the people who can do that the body’s good i’m fucking

toss at 350 i wish

fucking bondo it

remember that boy

of the mask

the old jeep

kits remember the old jeep kit so you

could buy a kit and

build your own

army jeep remember it was like a thousand

bucks or something

like this they

still have kit kat yes

and you can take a kit car like a noble

i remember they used to sell the

noble in america but you couldn’t buy it with a

powertrain you couldn’t buy

with an engine you had to put your own engine your own

powertrain in it so it’s

basically like a

do it yourself fucking car

i knew a guy

who had a friend in this

state i used to live in

i’m not gonna say where but

back in the day the jeep cj 7

they basically kept

the same chassis

body all that shit for like fucking fifteen years

so he had some old

piece of shit one so he did

was he went out

and he stole a

brand new one

and just parked him side by side in his garage

just took apart the new one and put all the new

so all the numbers

still match

wherever the numbers are supposed to be like on the

frame and all that

everything matched

and he just he did like a

like plastic surgery

and he just took all the new shit that he needed

i think he had to keep his engine block and

and there was the

frame or something like gearheads

would know what he

would have to do so

what did he do with the the rest of the

stuff then he

just took like he had like a weld he’s like a welding

thing and he just sort of cut it into

pieces and would just sort of

remember the

great escape when they

would just the

bottom of their

pants yeah they

would just sort

of dump shit here or there if you just have

a piece of a

frame they’re not

gonna give a fuck or

you don’t even know what it is how do you prove it

yeah i mean

i didn’t really i mean

i don’t have the mechanical

know how to say

exactly what he did but i said what did he do with the

extra shit and that was

basically it he cut it down into

smaller pieces

you can’t fucking

build a car

today like you can’t

build a new

2011 shelby mustang convertible you can’t build it

you know computer

chip but with your computer

and there’s so much shit

going on it’s like

it’s so complicated

you know it’s not like the old days

you know if you if you in the old days

if your fucking engine blew

you could replace your engine

you know all you need is like a

crane and a

buddy who knew what

the fuck he was doing and yeah you know but it was also

much more like my

first card i had i had a ford ranger and i actually

learned if i wanted to go i just didn’t

have the balls to do it because i didn’t have a friend

who could fix the problem

you know what i mean

so i had to keep it very like i was like a hygienist

but like working on fucking

car like you know

you learned you know

changing the oil is the

first thing then you

learn how to change the belts

then you start doing the

spark plugs then you get the timing

light and i got

right to the fucking

point where i was

gonna start fucking with

i don’t know what

trying to do like the pistons and shit and maybe i’ll

i’ll try to get some more

horsepower in this and i

was just like bill it’s a fucking ford ranger two wheel

drive what are you a douchebag

just be happy

just be happy that it’s running

i changed my oil

once and i dumped it into the sewer

i dumped it into one of

those you know those days

was the 80s it was legal

i didn’t even

think i was you know

17 years old i was retarded

and as i’m dumping in this guy walks by

goes yeah that’s a good

place for that

and i thought yeah it was a good place

and i thought

about oh he’s making fun of me

i’m like oh my god i’m a douchebag god why did i

think it was okay to pour the oil in this fucking drain

and then i thought

that fucks with me

today really

still still i think

about it sometimes

i think about sometimes that i poured oil

into the drain like a retard

and that this guy came by and go yeah that’s a good

place for that

and then i was so dumb i was like yeah it is a good

place for it

right it fucks you because you’re

running the environment or because he made you look

stupid because i was a retard not

cause he name you look

stupid i was

stupid he probably

thinks the same

thing like that asshole

i can’t probably

still he’s probably dead that old fuck

it was a long time ago

i like how you are uninformed

because you are uninformed he becomes an old fuck

an old fuck you you

piece of shit makes it funnier

there’s so many

weird things like that

that gentleman he’s probably passed away

there’s so many

weird things like that

that you’re not allowed to dispose of like that like

things like monitor

water man it gets into the

ocean but like the crazy

thing there’s oil

that the oil that i put

in is nothing compared to what’s on the fucking road

every day i mean

everybody’s leaking oil you’re driving up and down the

street it rains goes in the gutter and

goes right in the

ocean justify

it anyway you have to oh i don’t justify it i told you

i’m ashamed

to this day

one time i was fishing i used

to dump it in the woods

really has taken i didn’t know it

i didn’t i didn’t

know as bad as i did

i didn’t know

i didn’t know that you

weren’t supposed to do that and then

but then i figured out they had this

place down the

street near the fire department they had this big

i don’t know it was this

giant thing that you just dumped your oil in right

back in the day when there wasn’t computer

chips and it was easy

i was in the

charles river fishing once

and it was right across the

street from my

house where i

lived in boston and i saw this bubbling in the

water i couldn’t figure out what the fuck it was

i was looking i was like something’s like bubbling like

water’s coming up this kind of crazy

and then i saw a rubber

and then i realized

that what i was looking at was shit some of it was shit

there was a broken

sewer pipe that was pouring directly into the river

so every time people

flush their toilet shit and pens and

rubbers and tampons

were just floating

in this fucking river

disgusting unfinished

medicine oh so

nasty and i went a little bit further down there was a

waterfall at the bottom of the

waterfall there was foam

there was so much chemicals in the

water that it made like a thick

white and yellow foam

at the bottom of the water yep

there you go

that’s boston you know what’s

worse is like

baby diapers in parking lots of like target the

other day was that and there was fucking just

these little squares

where they like

changed the diaper and

they were like

put it on the ground stuff

i got out and stepped

right on it it was just

like it’s just like

everywhere i see it all

the time now that was just

suburban landmine

i apologize for that

that’s a big

thing to do i

guess you don’t want to keep it in your car

while you drive home

my car always has diapers in it

my wife takes

these diapers wraps them up in

these little bombs and

leaves them there

and i hop in my car limb

my other car

smells like shit

and i find these little

diaper bombs everywhere

little piss

bombs they’re

everywhere they’re

all in my fucking house

that newborn smell

it’s not that bad my two year old has some pretty

stinky poops but

you know at this

point the kids

probably gone to like fucking mcdonald’s no

starting to

screw up the

colon eat them

no i don’t serve them

shitty food fuck that she gets

she gets fries and

stuff occasionally and ice

cream occasionally

but for the most part she eats healthy

you know if you get them into eating

shitty food or

get make shitty food a big deal

make it exciting you know make it something special

now that’s why mcdonald’s is a fucking

playground you

drive by mcdonald’s

she sees these bright

colors and tubes and

slides and shit

they just want to go

in there but the food’s fucked up if i ever have kids

i want to feed them shit food make them fat so i can

feel better about them

about myself you know

she’s the first person i’ve ever seen feed

their kid octopus

i was like whoa

octopus that’s

ridiculous she

enjoys it she

asked for octopus

and people like your fucking kids asking for

octopus yeah i can’t that’s too fishy

too chewy that’s i ever

eat octopus sushi

yeah i’ve tried

my delicious

yeah love it now

dude that’s

that’s one like

the the hardcore japanese guys giving you

the fucking heads up like you know what you’re doing

like the grosser it is

that means you’re really the

nasty shit i

eat sea urchin that’s my

other favorite

dude i’m the

classic american

sushi i’m like yeah let me get a yellowtail hand roll

spicy california roll

yeah tuna fish tuna roll

i keep it real put salmon

salmon avocado i keep it really me too

that’s even like eel

eel roll i like

but it’s just kind of there’s just something to

like tuna i just

i don’t have any sort of

guilt when i eat that even though they’re

dying off but eel

just seems like an unnecessary one to

to eat really you

know the sauce

i don’t like you because of the sauce

i only like

sushi that you don’t need

sauce for i like look yellowtail

tuna that kind of shit

how how bad are the tuna

going extinct is that like a big deal

i don’t know


going extinct

because there’s too many fucking people and we keep

the problem is is they make too much

money off of us like we’re not like

we’re not people

where these

things they make

money off of so they need as much of us around

against that you know what is that

all the animals are

gonna come back when the

robots when the

robots take over

just be like i am

legend deer run into the streets of manhattan

that kind of shit

i don’t think it’ll be that bad

because they’ll keep manhattan but it’ll

definitely be like in jersey jersey will all grow over

i went to colorado

really useless i went to

colorado and i was living there for four

months and when i came back

a deer had decided to make my backyard home in la

it’s right out here

and every day this deer

would be wandering through my yard

chewing grass

and they just decided that

since nobody was here there’s no

noise they just

started moving in


as soon as i

moved back in she stopped coming around

but she could

literally that fence is six feet high and it’s fucking

of wrought iron she would jump

right over oh yeah

it’s gotta be

eight feet i got a

buddy of mine has a problem with that so he’s got this

eight foot my cheek

you’re really

not that neighborly saying no dude i got a kid and then

the deer come in yeah they really do they hop

right over a six foot fence it’s incredible to

watch it it’s like

i just fly through the air

but they were moving in they were

ready to take over

you got a gun

range out here

i got a fake pig that i

shoot arrows into

can we do that

after the podcast

fuck yes can you

teach me how to do that shit yeah you

wanna shoot

arrows yeah

i’m learning how to

couple of you know i’m

doing right i’m

learning how to pick a lock

on yeah i’m

gonna be one of those

urban survivor guys whenever

you like a thousand degrees in this

really is i’m

gonna turn on the i just i

just i just talk to

these people i turn on the ac

all right i’m

learning how to pick a lock

on youtube i’m trying to

learn how to hotwire a car youtube’s

great for that shit yeah you can fuck dude i’ve

taught myself how to play guitar

how to play drums uh

i’ve watched people get

knocked out get kicked

in the balls hide a camera into the toilet paper roll

thing on side of the in the bathroom i

found out how

to do that oh yeah you can become a real fucking

creep on youtube

at all that’s what i love

about the internet

you really can just become the person

yeah that you if you feel like you know

i wanna be uh

red you can go to wikipedia

right and see what

morons think

about the subject that you want to learn

about or if

you want to add a little creepy shit to your to your

to your personality you can do that i want to

learn how to pick a fucking luck

just so i can do it

because i only know the credit card technique

where you slide it in and that

never works

you know where you especially

now they were

showing i was

watching somebody like

first you have to know like how a lock works

like what it is in there

and this person

literally like the little clip on

thing from the pen

they’d somehow

jam that in there and then take like a hairpin

i’m so full of shit i

haven’t learned i

watched somebody do it and i

wanna try it that’s

basically it but the overhead is i have to buy a lock

so i haven’t

quite committed to it you know what

i’m gonna buy the lock

and it’s gonna sit

right on top of my fucking

learn how to

speak spanish

i figure if i’m

breaking into a lock i

might as well

kick the door in

yeah but i don’t have your martial art

training just

learn to kick a bag

you know it’s not

gonna move or hit you back

it’s not hard to kick a door

right doors are easy that’s why it’s

funny when you see a guy like on

those fucking

those uh like

videos of cops

breaking the doors and the guy like

especially the old

school ones from the sixties

the guys kicking

the door over and over you can’t get it to break

doors are what

all doors are easy

how come he’s not able to do it because he’s a faggot

well there you go

i never understood why they own just

go for the window

there is something about yeah

literally he likes sex with the same

where’s is that my

water yours

this is empty

there’s one behind your

that last time mine was

right there

you don’t wanna take

a chance you’re the one who busted out the fake asshole

amended into this podcast

well i don’t mean when i say faggot i don’t mean faggot

like i was in a game man you mean

pussy i mean yeah

that’s one of my

words i will

not give up no matter how much people give me shit

about you know

now louis ck’s got that big

chunk on it i have

a problem with that that word to me

is not a gay slur

you know it really drives me

crazy when they’re saying you can’t say gay

but you can’t say that’s gay like

it’s offensive or

insensitive means lame

well didn’t it always mean joyful

and beginning it made

you know like have a gay old time

happy it means happy man

happy gay nineties

the eighteen

nineties yeah words

change homosexual

and why can’t they accept

that it also means lame

because certain

groups own words what if you

spell it g h e y

gays own gay jewish people own holocaust

you know that whole

thing actually do is dope

will you want

and why open

the show exquisite

were you on the only

show when jeffries was talking about his

oh yeah yeah yeah

ridiculous is that

he wanted that jim jeffrey’s

hilarious comedian wanted to name his dvd

alcoholic cost

and apparently it offended a

bunch of jewish people they got

super upset

i think it offended

the ones who are in the group

i think generally

speaking most people don’t give a shit

yeah i don’t know

about that i

would say that a lot of people who are jewish

would probably have a problem with that

people are very very sensitive to that

you know they don’t want you

cracking jokes on something that fucked up

their whole you know well yeah well

he explained it and he didn’t even need to explain it

i get it i didn’t

think he was

making fun of jewish people he was saying like he’s

drinking so much

that he’s a

holocaust he’s having a holocaust of alcohol

you can’t own a word i mean just calling something

a hol look they need another word for what happened

to the jews in nazi germany it’s a horrible horrible

thing and it is a holocaust

but it’s not the only holocaust you can’t

own that word now you can’t yeah they

treat it like

the ohio state university

like it’s trademark

the holocaust

like it’s trademark

it’s a word to describe anything that’s atrocious

anything that’s

horrible i mean that’s really what it is

it’s a word to describe as

usual terrible disaster i’ve

never looked it up i don’t know what it means

well let’s look up the official term

of holocaust brian

tell us what it is

i i just look up a

and then look up the

i mean look

it was clear

it’s not that he’s making

light of this horrible situation

that that has happened it was a play on words

but then he did make

light then he fucked up and said

they should get over it was

his fucking 60 years ago fucking get over it

yeah i thought with the accent he’d get away with it

cause it sounded cheeky

australia is

the shit have you ever done comedy over there

uh yeah i did but it was a typical

thing where it was like

it was a three day thing

where they flew you over for

one day they gave you a day to get fucking used to it

and then you did the gig

and then they flew you back i

stuck around for a couple days

that’s kind of how i was in

sydney i was only in

sydney for a couple days but i

did a gig up there i wanted to

see all those fucking

snakes over there

we saw the kangaroos you know

those kangaroos that kill people all the time

there’s these big

giant fucking kangaroos called gray kangaroos

and they tell

you if you run into gray kangaroos you better

leave just get the fuck away from they’re

super aggressive

and they’re really big

they like the fucking

three hundred what am i doing they

like and they

kick you in the stomach and fucking gore you bugs bunny

they lean back on

their tail they do that

they do lean back on

their tail and attack you but

they have claws man they’ll rip your fucking stomach

apart they’ll fuck you up when they get inside i’ve

watched enough

ufc that fucking

elbow you got a clinch

it’s the most important

thing gotta get that clinch

you got a no

space between

you and you

gotta take the

kangaroo to the ground they’re they got a

great stand up

then i bounce

right back to

their feet bro don’t even try but

they’re fucking

their fucking arms are too

small to grapple

if you got the

under hooks you

gotta get the

under hooks

but you got to go

randy couture

style we just

press them up

against a tree and work them over with knees

hey does racking balls work on animals

racking balls yeah like if you rack

a dog’s balls

they like go oh

at all are we the only ones i think

it hurts them but i

think when an animal gets into that

state where they’re attacking and trying to kill you

they don’t think

about pain the way people do

you know i’ve seen dogs

fight with each other

and they’re wagging

their tail like

happy meanwhile they’re ripping each

other’s faces apart

especially pit bulls

you know pit bulls

they don’t seem to

experience any pain when they

fight they seem to just do it and then

think about the pain

later like they

block it out somehow

i would not

count on kicking a dog in the balls

if a dog is attacking you

your best move is to choke it

unconscious i wonder if there’s

videos of monkeys getting racked

you know monkeys i’m sure it would suck

they know they know it

sucks because when they attack people and chimps

attack people they go for your balls

it’s one of the number one

things they do they try to eat your genitalia

they rip your balls off and actually

twist your foot off to

yeah take your

fingers off it

they bite people’s fingers off

they go for your balls they try to

blind you they try to take away

everything that makes you

human all your valuable assets

your ability to control

things your ability to use your dick

i fucking i fucking i hate

monkeys really

i just something

about him i don’t like

him chimps are

scary as fuck

i don’t mind chimps i don’t mind gorillas but

those little fucking

throwing shit at you

spider monkeys i just don’t fucking

i think it’s from indiana

jones because that

monkey was a dick and ever

since then i’ve hated

small monkeys they’re always dicks

organ grinder guy from back when i was a kid down in

fannua hall

they were always at

granted they had to wear that

stupid bellboy outfit so they probably

weren’t in a good mood but

they were always creepy

yeah i grew up with a

monkey no not my

monkey monkey my


monkey your

grandmother had a

monkey my grandmother had a

monkey named chee chee

and chee chee

lived in the attic

and you couldn’t

have chee chee

around people

cause chee chee

would bite you

whoa chee chee would

chew gum she

would give chee chee

gum and he would

unwrap the gum put in his

mouth but he only liked my

grandmother didn’t

trust anybody else

and if anybody got near him chee chee

would attack you

yeah but when i was in costa rica

i had a monkey

my grandmother was fucking

crazy crazy a

monkey jumped on my back

it was like the

monkey that they had in the area okay

in the compound

where i was staying jumped on my back

hooked its tail around my neck

and so now it’s

hanging it’s inverted hanging upside down went

right in my pocket took my hotel keys

and then went up the tree in like two

seconds and i’m always

standing there like

did that just fucking happen are you serious

now i’m sitting there

and i got some fucking i don’t know some sort

of costa rican kiwi

trying to get this fucking

monkey to come down i forget it

i remember i fucking my

human brain

outdid his monkey brain

and i got it back

and i and i did a

quick switcheroo and i ran

because it was on a

chain and i was able to just get away and the

thing was so pissed as i was running away i just

heard go just fucking

screamed at

me pissed i was like get mad i was like yeah

there you go you fucker well that’s what happens in

india they steal

things from people

and then they want you

to give them food back you give them food and they give

you whatever you know whatever they took from you yeah

do they kill animals over

there they killed people

oh they’re in their

house the mayor

of one of the towns in

india got killed by

monkeys recently

like within the last couple of years

they fucking swarmed his ass just jacked them

what’s the monkeys with

the big puffy

that’s like the pip

tumors on india

the monkey problem

you know like the ones that have is a orangutan

that has the

weird crazy

things are crazy

how about baboons you look like a half a dog half

a monkey that’s a

weird animal baboons eat

babies too man

so do chimps

chimps will eat

babies if you leave

babies around and chimps see them they’ll eat them

yeah they’re

still not worse than bankers

have you ever seen the

video the chimp

eating the monkey

oh yeah yeah

finally realizing that

they do that and they also they sort of all talk shit

after they do it they feel like

start beating that

chest a very

they’re ruthless


i thought for the longest time it was orangutan

like the orange

drink no it’s tan

i still did

well that’s

the end of all

neanderthals not really neanderthals neanderthal

yeah you know it’s

named after a part in

part of france

that’s where they

found the first skeletons

they’ve been

saying recently that people are

most people

or a good percentage of people have neanderthal

genetics in them

and that we

somehow another absorb them

i do look at my forehead i got

frankenstein forehead dude my eyebrows

like look at that

ultimate doom

tell me i don’t have the same

brow it’s true it’s that fucking

thing yeah your

brow’s nothing

i want to show you my dentist my dentist is so

freaky i will

drive you over to

his office just to say hi just so you can see his head

really his fucking forehead what’s dennis man it’s it

sticks out like this far

like no bullshit it

doesn’t even

look real it looks like he’s wearing like oh

you like you putting

shit up bar

like you put a cling on

plate from fucking

star wars the next

generation and put it on his

head i mean it really looks like that he just got this

these deep’s

his eyes no bullshit are like that deep into his head

jesus my dentist is kind of

crazy my dentist is like that what’s that movie

people under the

stairs or whatever where

danny what’s i

should say this in case my dentist is listening he’s a

great guy look

i’m not fucking perfect either i look like a chimp

all right i’m not the best looking guy in the

world too late

those guys are all depressed

he’s a very nice

guy you probably already

hung up the he’s a very nice guy but he’s got a big

crazy forehead

that’s just a fact

i didn’t name any names

you know what’s funny

about that shit

with that big forehead i wonder if that affects

that light that they have on

their head if it’s like too far and it just

shines on the back of your head

it’s got adjusted yeah it’s too far in

he’s gotta point it like straight down

some people do they even use that or am i

thinking of minors

i think dennis probably use that shit too like

digging deep in your mouth it should right

yeah that’s a rough job

my dentist hypnotizes me there’s a part

where they check for cancer

i don’t know if your dentist do that where they go

okay so this is where you’re so and so glad

your dentist is

broke does your dentist stick his fingers in your mouth

no no but stick out and then you wake up

what happened

did you ever see that guy

that would feel girls that way put them

under yeah and they busted him

they busted this and what i love

about that guy is you could so tell

he never got arrested for anything in his life

and he just he just like

he just you saw it in his whole body

he was just like

okay like the girl was under right and

she kept waking up feeling like her

bra wasn’t right the way it

should have been

so they basically get her to go in there

again to go under and they

drilled in from like the cvs next door or some shit

and they got this camera so he

starts fucking

second he starts being

sitting he seems seem like yeah i have a

tits and he

has all this type of shit and then immediately all

these swat guys coming

and he goes

literally from that to

and my life’s over

and he just fucking

shoulder slumped

dragged out can you imagine

what happened to that guy in prison

he going in as a fucking sex offender dentist

who probably hasn’t had a

fight since the

third grade no gang affiliation

he would have to join one

who would take him

you gotta you

gotta be somebody’s

bitch the first

night yeah you

gotta suck some cock right away

you gotta put on a dress who

you think of some guys in prison like what the fuck is

gonna happen like bernie made off what’s what’s

going on with that guy in prison

they must be beating the fuck out

it’s white collar there probably

guys guys who were getting out he’s probably holding

court is he in a

white collar prison

absolutely he probably can get

fresh despite

the fact that his felonies were so

egregious that but

because they’re not violent

they’re not violent

they don’t give a shit so and he

and non violent

offenses they put them with

other non violent people

i don’t know how it works dude

i just know if you’re rich you don’t go to real jail

but he actually

fucked the problem was

was not how much

money he took

was i think who he took it from

and they had as much

influence if not more

as he did so he actually got life in prison

you think that

unusual i just pulled that on my ass i have no idea

no fucking idea you

think it’s unusual that

he got life in prison i mean what he did was i mean

fucking 50 billion dollars that’s

you got to put him in jail for life there’s no way he’s

gonna pay that back

i mean what

would be oh

did you see that

thing in rolling

stone this month

matt taibi’s article

it was the one

about those kids

that have the biggest like internet

cyberspace crime

ever yeah i

haven’t read that yet oh you

gotta read that yeah

make you super paranoid

about where you use your credit card

these guys would sit outside the mall

this is was this was their

their their

their hacky way they

first did it

would sit there in a car with like a fucking

eight foot to antenna

and they somehow tap in

to whatever that shit in the fucking air is

where you know that computer shit

the satellite

thing went back to that

and as you use the credit cards they

somehow they

would break into the

system or something i don’t what

the fuck i can’t even explain it i’m too fucking dumb

but it’s even even for a guy like me it was fascinating

so there was some sort of a wireless


of your credit card information you’re in there

buying a thermal okay all

right and you

swipe your card and as they’re putting it into the

system or as you

swipe it somehow

that tapped into this shit through the fucking air

it’s literally like

magic like all

those years of people pulling out

rabbits out of hats and it was all bullshit

these guys i

don’t know how the fuck they were doing it so they

would do that

and then they

were like are this is bullshit it’s too it’s too risky

they somehow then they took it to the next

level and they got into the main

database database

thank you i needed a word

i’ll go with that

the main database of like all the

macy’s or whatever and

people’s credit

numbers yeah they jacked him

yeah they got like like i don’t know i mean

what number of my

seven say fifty million credit cards

the banks are totally corrupt do you

think that the banks

would hack into people should on purpose

like hire people to hack into people shit

well this is what i

think about i don’t think

this is what i don’t like

it’s not my money

it’s their money

and they give

it to me and my job is to get in debt with

it and if i don’t then they just fucking take it for me

that’s basically what happens

right but i mean the hackers

i mean you think that

you think that

you know how like

the cia’s always been accused of selling drugs and the

the argument for it is

the bad guys

gonna sell drugs no matter what you do

the cia takes that

money and uses it for

covert operations to protect americans blah blah blah

the cia’s always

sold drugs and that’s just the way it is

do you think that the bankers

would get involved in hacker

activity just because they figured look someone’s

gonna do this

we’re gonna do this

at this point it

might be another they just look at

everything as revenue

streams yeah i don’t

think that they look at shit

well then we work because they

would be selfs they

would be sabotaging themselves

but this is my questions like i’m always looking at

these but i don’t think bank

i really don’t

think bankers are

above stealing now

of course not

about i always

look at these hacker situations

and i go okay you hear

about this fucking russian

teenager made 50 million dollars in a year

in his basement and then

he started an

empire blah blah blah and he was just a hacker

well if i’m reading

about this there’s

gotta be some people that are rich and

powerful and

recognize that 50 million dollars is some real

money and if this goofball kid

in his fucking basement is making that kind of money

there a way they can do that and i

think i mean

is there any of this shit

well i don’t

think i don’t think that

they have to hack into

their own system i

think that they do what

they they steal

from the the people who put

money us the customers they steal

through like fees

right well they

definitely do that too i

think they’re

gonna risk what they have for doing

hacker shit you know what i mean like if this guy’s

super rich he’s not

gonna risk everything he has

maybe not in america but

i bet in some other

countries are pulling some shit off

there’s something

about that shit though

where i find that

that type of shit is so fascinating

well you know you

learn how to pick

a lock the bullshit that i’m doing is no big deal but

those guys who can actually

you know hack their way

i tell you what’s even more interesting is that

if you go on

youtube there’s ways to show you how to get those

things that you put on atms at the gas pump

there’s videos showing how to do it like how

and where to buy them

where it’s like this

thing that fits

over the credit card slot at your gas pump

and there’s

like a little camera that you tape into the corner

so when you’re

using it outside

right now that’s why you

never use your fucking atm

card because that’s your

money they get that shit they get your money

they get you

be a fucking credit card

that’s city banks money

so then they’ll call you out and be like

did you buy a tank top in

kansas city no i did not

you ever get that you

would be on the road so much i used

to be on the road like they

would constantly be shutting my credit card off

and not realizing

that i was a comedian they be like did you get a lap

dance in toronto yes i did

you get chicken wings

two days later in st

louis yes i did

and they finally like what are you doing

comedian i’m on a college tour

yeah and you

should always you

should never do debit either you

should always do credit card you know

where they always try to

trick you in and like

put in your

pin and you’re

like no i’m not putting my pin

running as a credit card

don’t ever do that yeah

cause then it also protects your ship for 30 days too

yeah fuck that

fuck all that dude and they’re trying to make it

ca they’re gonna make it cashless

cash is to shit

yeah cash is we

gotta go back to one

to go one donkey

that’s what we gotta go

fucking bite

a piece of it off to get some potatoes

something it’s come

you got to get something for something your

money has to represent something the

problem is our money

doesn’t actually represent anything it’s just an idea

it’s just confidence we have

confidence that a hundred dollars is

worth a hundred dollars

but it doesn’t represent

like i don’t get

i don’t get

why can’t we

just keep that

confidence i’m alright with it fucking

dude i like your hall of fame of fucking

geese you have in there

that’s hilarious i’m looking into joe’s walk in

closet right now most people have like

fucking jerseys

from sports they never played that’s his dexter

trophies yeah he

still has like dried

blood from some kid he fucking hammer fisted

back in his revered

days those are all my taekwondo medals on the doorknob

that’s all shit from the 80s

dude that was one of my favorite from my other life

yeah that’s

one of my favorite fucking responses i was on his

i think was

your website way back in the day

and some kid was giving him shit

so joe you know

just blossom whatever you just a fucking loser

and then he

and the kid

writes oh what do you mean i’m a fucking

loser he goes i’m only 20 years old

blah blah blah

what were you

doing at 20 and joe’s like i was a national champion

in taekwondo

you fucking loser

you’re like one of the few guys it was actually a

success before they got into this shit

well i was but it

definitely wasn’t a financial

success that’s why

you weren’t doing a taekwondo

tour i was teaching i was

teaching at boston

university i was

teaching at bu

when i was 19

i taught at boston

university that’s not normal

that’s way above

most people well i was

banging half the

broads in your

class i banged if i fucked a few of them

i fucked one of them

one of them she was so hot and

she was just

i don’t want

to say her name but she was this really hot

latina chick

kelly chris and then i saw her

again like three years ago

and she wasn’t the type of girl to work out

she was just

the type of girl that you know when she was

young she was

19 when i was 19 she was just getting by on her looks

but now she’s like 41

and she doesn’t exercise and it was so sad

i mean she’s probably sad to see

me too i was a fucking handsome looking fellow when i

was young dude

you know you

see broken down man joe coming in at 19 to teach the

class he probably did that jean claude van damme

fucking split

between two desks

and that was it well

that was ran through the

whole class

from that year

from 15 until i was 21

i was literally

all i did was fight

all i did was train and

fight that’s all i did i didn’t have any social life

i had like a

girlfriend here and there they

would always get sick of me and

break up with me and whatever

but all i did was

train and fight i didn’t

party i didn’t drink

very rarely did i drink

i smoked pot twice

from like 15 to 21 that’s all i did was fight was

completely out of my head

and i went from that to from from

going to taekwondo

straight into

going to comedy

kickboxing i had a few

three kickboxing fights

and then i went

right into comedy because i knew i was

going nowhere

so there’s no

money in it was your opening like

stand up was it

about like no

no i never was it really intense was like hello

this is my comedy

no i tried to do

it you gotta talk

about your life no i

never talked about that

no one wants to

think that’s

some fucking guys on martial arts

champion that’s the

thing because he was actually good at it like this you

gotta be like low

self esteem

right you could say you know if you could say

i fought a talk window

tournament once and

i fought on

friday and when i finally woke up on tuesday

you know after

some guy yes

and now i’m

doing comedy yeah everybody

would like that you

can’t say that oh so

i fucking kicked this dude in the head and

knocked him into a coma that’s not

funny dude when i

started out though there was like you know because

all those headliners didn’t leave

we were like how

the fuck do you end up headlining we were

looking at the only guys who kind of busted through

was you and

anthony clark

with the two guys at the time who had actually somehow

gotten past the old boy network

yeah well they left

you know anthony was one of nicked apollo left too

they just left you know you had to

leave you can’t stay in boston it was so intoxicating

because you can make a living

you could be in boston and even if you were a nobody

you know you’re

still you could

grind out 500

bucks a week you

know you do here do here as long as you’re willing to

drive and travel

if you had 500

cash a week you

could pay for your bills you could eat

but if you wanted to try to go on the road man

good fucking luck

no tv credits no nothing

just some guy from boston how much are they

gonna pay you

but your fucking gas your airfare is

gonna eat up all your profits it’s fucking hard

what do you

think now cause i just went back

to boston have you been back there lately yeah yeah

sad there’s nothing

going on there now

what is the fucking the comedy

connection is a theater

now you know it’s that big wilbur theater

right comedy

connection used to be

150 seats that badass little room

and now it’s you know

no but they

reopened that

right up the

street the old charles street

playhouse yeah what’s it now

ah what’s another comedy club

i can’t remember

there’s a small one in fannoy

hall called motleys i did that is that tim

mckenzie’s place

i can’t remember i did i ran through all of them it was

80 it was like

it was like an 85 seater

i did dick dory’s comedy

vault when i put together my basically

polished up my

first five minutes

material ever so i always go down there

the vault and

oh yeah dude i fucking love that

place and this is the thing

hasn’t changed

it like i remember when that place

started this

is how fucking old i am now and now it’s they just like

celebrated i say

to mackenzie i’m sorry like

tim mcintyre

i think it started in 93

yeah what was a

yeah it was a year

and i really

son no no no

the vault dick

doherty’s comedy vault let

me tell you something that shit was around in the 80s

because in 88 when i was around the dick doherty comedy

vault was around

dick dart is

something at

remington’s yeah that fucking bank it’s like a bank

wow it’s a vault i thought i thought

spike tobin was the

first guy who

opened that shit up

might have reopened it

might have reopened it okay that’s

might have went

under and they brought it back but dick doddy’s comedy

vault was a staple back when i was living there and i

moved out of boston like ninety two

yeah you were gone before

right when i

started you were already gone

yeah where the fuck was i working at

i think it was

first time i saw i saw you at the kowloon

oh that place that was a good place

yeah chinese

food and comedy

still exists

chinese food and comedy is a

weird combination that

exists in boston like the biggest the most

famous historical comedy club in boston was the ding ho

was a chinese

restaurant that they had comedy out of and now the only

place that exists that place that

rick jenkins runs he runs a

place in cambridge

yeah and that’s the

that’s another

chinese restaurant

chinese restaurant chinese restaurant

an upstate new

comedy lab is that what they call it yeah

remember the yak

the akuaku yeah akuaku

and then the

other places mike

clark’s place giggles and saugus

yeah you know

but there’s more work in boston or at

least there was

like just little road gigs an hour

drive here hour

drive there more of

those in that area than anywhere else in the country no

when i would talk to guys from like

other places and then i’m like

where’s your road gigs

where do you go for road gigs

oh you know sometimes i do ohio sometimes

like what do

you got no don’t you have gigs around here like no one

could make a living around there

yeah but half an

hour there’s

nobody nobody

would start

yeah i don’t know what if i bought people would just

start rooms

don’t know bob marley out of maine

he came down like a

fully formed

fucking headliner just because he had like 25 rooms

going up in maine like he

started basically

it was like mcdonald’s but he

started with like

camries he used to tell me

when he was living up there

and it was getting so big he actually

ended up leaving because he almost became i

think like a

kind of almost like a club owner at that point he

could have done it but

he basically

started the comedy

scene up there

because before that all they had was like the

connection but like

portland yeah

yeah and he

start like he had at any before

that i used to do gigs in bangor

and bob would do like

guest spots and shit when he was

first starting out

bobby i don’t know if you know how

famous he is in maine

do you know oh yeah no no

yeah he’s like if you don’t know who bob marley is very

funny guy very nice guy i’ve

known him for fucking 20 plus years always been just a

great guy but when he

first started out

you know there was like

this is like you

know probably he probably

started on 89 or 90 there’s no one known

for being from maine there’s no like one main

comic that stands up

but bar marley

in anywhere else in the country is like people

might have heard of him you

might have heard him on xm

radio you might have seen him on comedy

central or something

in maine that

motherfucker is

huge oh yeah

there’s probably no

comparison it’s like

glacius or gabriel iglesias

in la is giant

gabriel iglesias does

shows in la well he’ll do like

five shows on a

monday night

like something fucking nutty and sell out everyone like

days and days in advance right

that’s how he is nobody else is like that you

know he used to go i remember you

tell me would

basically be in la


and then every year

right as the holidays came around

he would make like

ten times what i made on the road in that month yeah

just probably

should be talking

about his money but yeah he

would just go up there and do parties

and then he do the new year’s thing and

do this movie like

eight years in

he would do like

a like fifteen hundred two thousand seater and he

do be doing like adding shows and shit yeah

and doing all this main material you know

so much main like i was listening to him on the

radio the other

day was on xm

radio was doing all

these main jokes

and it was doing them in maine they were going

crazy they were fucking

going on and

he also dude he has like

a box set that’s how many

albums this dude is put out

he’s put out like sixteen albums

14 albums fucking unbelievable incredible the amount

hours 14 hours of fucking material

have you ever

heard of anybody

else has done that

have you ever

heard of anybody else who just

nailed it in one area like that no

there’s a couple wait

who’s the nobody like

that though not like that but wasn’t there a there was

always here with

those guys when you be down

south killer bees

remember her killer bees

guys and there

was one or two

other guys who

south of the

mason dixon line

yeah would just

absolutely if you you just put

their name up yeah

yeah it was

a thousand tickets

a few of those guys

but i don’t

think there’s any one guy that’s got a

state nailed

like bob marley does and he created it

yeah but it’s a

state that’s

proud to be that

state too that’s a part of the

whole key to it

he’s actually from maine

and the people in maine are

proud to be from maine it’s like

somebody’s getting an idea

there’s a comedian

right now in like

south dakota

trying to put it together

like dude i

could run this fucking town

state whatever the

hell i’m trying to say dude does anybody give a fuck

about being from

south dakota though the thing

about being

right there

that’s who gave a fuck

about being from maine

a lot of main people you ever talk shit about

main people in

maine people in

south dakota they give a fuck

about being there

not as much as maine

i’ve done i was in

north dakota and they were all

right when fargo

came out like

we don’t talk like that that’s fucking bullshit well

it’s like well you

think we talk like

cliff cleven on

chairs we don’t

a lot of us do kind of awesome now

he fucked that accent up

he would go hey there he go hey there nami it’s norm

it’s not a nom

yeah everything was parked the car so they put an a

all you do is take the r

out instead of norm yeah it wasn’t a good boston accent

am i really picking them up you got to get some live

years after

or norm did you hear he went on um

uh the open

anthony show and

apparently they

they fucking kicked him off like really yeah

he’s you know

it’s got some

beer book he’s putting out now george went

right right

no not george

no the other

yeah yeah george went with the mailman

right and the mailman was

cliff but the beard guy

if someone’s

gonna put out a beer book it

would have been norm

it would have been george went

yeah well george went was on the open

anthony show and i don’t know what happened but just

very unenthusiastic and they went up kicking him out

oh because he

was unenthusiastic oh

i’m as informed as you are

about the economy

dude those fucking guys like that’s i always get

excited oh they

had so and so on how did it go john ratson

fucking jimmy went the

other room started

prank calling him and i

jimmy with jesse ventura

that’s my favorite

that’s why he

fucking destroyed him he

crushed them

thank you for

your service to our country and he was saluting them

dude i thought for once i was actually gonna see

jesse in a real

fight for all

those years of

watching him fake fight

i was in vietnam

where were you yeah

it’s got to be one of those

weird fucking

stupid bullying things

norton hates it when when someone

tries to bully him

you know when someone

just demands respect without fucking proving your

point put your fucking point

and he gets crazy this

just chewed him up

i thought it was awesome oh it’s hilarious i it was it

was it was the combination of

awesome and then also

he was beating him so bad i i felt bad for

jesse i was like

jesse tap out

well jesse’s got

away and he did

yeah he did he left it was so

stupid he’s got this

weird oh and

jimmy was going oh

see it so you fucking

leave so you

gonna fucking leave

and he’s leaving

and it’s just like oh god

jesse it looked ugly at the end though like he was

thinking about doing something like

throwing something at him or yelling at him

i was so hoping because

kenny was right there and i always wanted to see

kenny in action you know he would just go old

school dirty cop on him probably well you know

jesse’s got bad hips

jesse’s another one of

those wrestlers that had hip replacement surgery

a lot of them have their hips replaced

dude you know hulk is like three inches

shorter wow

from all those years of jumping up to

and landed on his ass

yeah because when i saw him i was

like this guy’s not that tall but his fucking arms will

hang it down

below his knees

this guy looks like a fucking gorilla

and then i’ve read

i don’t know

where the fuck i saw it

it said he used to be six foot

seven and now he’s six foot four

whoa there’s

a huge difference six four is like you know

used to play college ball six seven

is you know

three inches off of his

spine i wonder how many

he’s got fused a lot of guys get

their shit fused man

that’s a big thing in

mma right now

tito ortiz just had

his neck vertebrae fused

and there’s a

bunch of guys have had

their back fuse

can he fight

anymore after that

i don’t know

i mean it really depends on how he recovers

you know but it’s some serious serious shit

you sure it wasn’t just

hairspray and heels

that you know or something like that with hulk hogan’s

that serious back surgery

more than one

who’s the guy that

hangs out at the comedy

store all the time or he was for a

while that roddy roddy

piper roddy

piper no he’s doing

stand up man

telling stories

that’s so weird

steve simone’s

going on the road with them yeah

you know steve

simons you know

steve simon

steve simons a

comic out of the comedy

store is a huge

fucking wrestling fan

oh yeah yeah okay

really good guy

really good guy

and he goes on the road with

roddy roddy

piper and it does a little

stand up then roddy roddy tells the stories

apparently it’s a hit

oh yeah dude

this should

really let you listeners know why i don’t know shit

about banking i actually

ordered on amazon the hard copy

version of rick flair’s autobiography

to beat the man you

gotta be the man

no to be the man you

gotta beat the man

dude it’s one of those

it’s just a fucking awesome book

dude ric flair

have you ever

watched this clip yeah yeah i’ve seen

one of the funniest fucking dude ever

great showman

yeah anyway he’s just like a comedian

where they say do you have writers

you know people

write this and he goes

writers he goes

dude i used to come up with half that shit on the cab

right over from the airport

like that’s

just like a comedian he’s just sitting there

exactly he just gets

loose see something he just says fuck this

dude he’s got a couple

where he’s so into it like you

think he’s gonna pass out and

when he’s yelling at people in the veins the way his

eyes bulge out

he’s got one

where he keeps

going i inherited and his

voice keeps

cracking he’s

screaming so i inherited

we talked about that

that uh born with a golden

spoon in his

mouth dude i’ll be on the road

depressed like oh my god i hate this and i’ll just

start watching ric flair

videos i just

start laughing

my fucking ass off going

that this is what it’s about

this is why you do it

that guy is the shit

ric flair is fucking awesome

my favorite wrestling

video is that john stassel

video where

john stassel’s talking to i don’t remember what the

wrestler was

telling him

about you know that what you do is fake

and he fucking

slaps him in the head like full blast

slaps him in his ear and drops and goes

is that fake

does that feel fake

you tell me what’s fake

and he gets up bam he slaps him in the

other ear and drops him again

then he gets up and runs out of there

what was the one that

was like was it mr

t or something like that

where he goes crazy

it was like a live show

and he starts

smacking or getting angry

and freaking out

what wrestler was that it was like i think mr

t was on it i

think you’re talking

about hulk hogan

choking out hawking

bells or yeah

put richard

bells are asleep

yeah that’s richard bells

a fell and bonked his head

i gotta see that

video oh i’m sure how did i

miss that yeah i’m sure it’s online

in this day and

age it would be a

typical wise ass

i heard what you do is bullshit

yeah you gotta be nice to those guys

you can’t disrespect them plus they’re on

gallons of juice

you know oh

yeah come on

the sicknesses they

get that big

you know that chris benoit

guy that one up killing this

whole family

juice to the gills

yeah but that’s also another

thing too is a lot of give me unlike pain meds because

those guys did like they

guys are working like

seven nights a fucking week that’s a

thing about

guys who fight in the

ufc like brock

says that pro

wrestling is way harder than being the ufc

heavyweight champion

how about that

is that the

video i’m sorry i’m gonna

watch a young

did those are from back in the day just google it

you could they didn’t work this out did they

no i don’t this

isn’t like a bit i don’t think so out here

and hulk hogan oh he got him in a g team

he put him to sleep

oh he went out look at that

he’s all right he’s just sleeping

he’s sleeping

really yes i

was i was a

sleeperhole he’d be alright yeah

i mean that’s

pretty fucked up i mean he really was out cold

that’s no bullshit and he just let him fall like

to the ground like head

hit his head

i put it got to sleep on a radio show once

no no no he was just fucking around no no

no watch an exit he wasn’t

you see the way fell dude

he fell and slammed his head off the ground he was

trying to keep trying to

yeah trying to

cover for it anyway

that’s that’s a famous one

and in the lead up to that it was like

hulk hogan was getting really pissed off at him like

like the whole time

like there was like

like seven minutes up to that or six minutes up to that

he was being a smartass and just pissing the hulk off

like and for real

why would you

do that even if what they did what was really fake

you know i mean

obviously that you know the predetermined the victor

stuff when somebody

fucking slams you down the back it hurts yeah you

gotta be conscious of who you’re talking to

yeah those guys are savages

you know even though

even though they’re not

you know they

might not be actually

fighting for a living they will fuck you

they’ll beat the

shit out of you if they want to like you better be nice

they live in a wild

world too a

wild world of

sweaty men that you hoist

through the air and slam on

their back you know

their idea of like

what’s acceptable danger

and punishment that you take

with your body is not what most people’s is you know

for them is like i just fell asleep if belzo was

covering that was pretty good no he wasn’t covering

he went i’m saying

he was uh no i

think he was because the lead up

was trust me that guy went out

that’s that’s a hundred percent

unconscious no that’s what we’re saying

as we’re saying he was

covering up that

that was oh yeah yeah belzer was

covering as a pro at the end yeah

yeah definitely yeah

well he went to

sleep no doubt

about it the way got that guy

squeezed his

100 the way his arms go limp

how long does it take

two seconds

when a guy puts a guy in a choke

there was a guy i choked out on a

radio show there was this radio show

he was like a

a pa and they had him do little stunts and

stuff and if he couldn’t do it then they

would punish him

it was like this gag they used to do it was in boston

so they had this dude

dress up as a cow

and he had to fucking try to jump over a chair on


and he couldn’t make it over the cherry falls

and crashes

and they get him upstairs and they go okay now

your punishment is gonna be

joe rogan has to choke you

unconscious i go what

and he goes okay i’ll do it i go

do you really you sure

about this and he goes yeah i go you sure

and he goes yeah i go all

right so i go

when you can’t take it just tap out

and i lock the

choke on him

squeeze on and he goes to tap and he’s already


and i let him go

thinking that he tapped and he falls and fucking face

plants on the carpet

he bumps his head off the carpet he

only fell a couple inches

but he was unconscious

immediately if you just let someone squeeze your neck

he go out pretty quick

do you know

that became the

thing to do

for like like

maybe like a week and a half when i was in seventh

grade we didn’t

understand what

we were doing but somebody came up with it

choking each

other no what

you do is you

would just basically grab two handfuls

of somebody’s neck on each side

you’re grabbing

their jugular

but the thing

about it was was

grabbing it

like this yeah we didn’t know what we were doing

we didn’t know what we were doing so some people

just grabbing like

you know what

a neck muscle

they were back here

but occasionally people

would grab them right

this is some shit yeah

the final would happen was someone did it correctly

and the dude did the same

thing he fell straight forward

and then there was


at the end of the day and there’s been a fad

around the school

to be grabbing

your classmates necks this

whole fucking

thing about

it’s very dangerous

you’re depriving oxygen to the temporal lobe

and all this fucking bullshit that just basically

could you please stop choking each

other i wonder how many kids

today are practicing

mma moves on

their friends at school

you know you

watch the ultimate

fighter or something

like that see what you get me got him a

kimora let me show you give me your arm

yeah dude the

first time i ever

threw up my back

was in fourth

grade i let this kid put me in the figure four leg lock

i swear to god

cause i was

cause i was also on a bleep well it’s not real it

doesn’t hurt

and it was killing me

so i was i was

i was leaning up

to try to take his leg off it’s the

first time i felt

lower back pain

fourth grade wow

that was you jacked your back in the fourth

grade it’s worth

fucking with you ever since

figure four leg look well

it didn’t fuck with me

until football a few years

later unorganized of course because i

never had the grades but

that’s what that’s when it really got bad but the first

yeah first back pain i had

what do you

think about

those people that say that back pain is all


that’s bullshit are you serious

there’s people that actually say that oh yeah the john

sarto guy he’s got

whatever on it

there’s fucking i

think there are a lot of people that have

psychological back pain oh

absolutely there’s

injuries yeah

it exists but

doesn’t mean it it’s all oh

this guy like

he i don’t know if he says all of them but i

think he attributes a lot of them he’s talking

about people even if they have injuries

the injuries don’t really hurt nearly as much as you

think they do it’s all psychosomatic

i agree that he’s

basically saying we’re a

bunch of pussies

bunch of pussies

bunch of pussies and the idea is that the injuries

distract you from

other stress

you know and take it

well i’m a firm

believer of

stretching yoga

any of that type of shit

because i don’t know what happens when you get

older but even just

sleeping the amount

more that your tendons or whatever shrivel up

like dude if you ever saw me hobble to the bathroom

in the morning you

would think that i played like five

years of professional ball or so i don’t know what’s

going on with me

so i but if i stretch before

i go to bed or something like that i’m way better

really yeah like my forbid

my foot is fucking jacked

it’s an old injury i had from playing drums

and it’s a real hard feel you get a drum injury yeah

you’d be surprised

some other drummers one of planters

official i don’t

know what the fuck they call it but it was from

i was i had poor technique

and i was trying to do this bass drum lick

this thing that

john bonham did the song good times bad times

these really

quick 16th note

triplets i’m sure you

heard that the

fight game and i

had bad technique

what i was doing and i fucked up the arch of it and it

literally felt like as i was walking down the street

someone was like i was stepping on nails

and i didn’t know what to do

typical irish guy i just thought well just fucking

stick it in the air for a

minute and it’ll be fine and i

toughed and i finally had to go

you gotta like take a

bottled water

freeze it in the fridge

right and step on it and then just sit there rolling

on the bottom of your foot anti inflammatories then you

gotta then you

gotta rest it up because

so what is the actual injury is a tendon what is

it i don’t fucking know say carpal

tunnel for drummers

i always stop and think

about if i lived

like just a hundred years ago

or even less i

would be useless my body’s been

screwed back together so many different times

so many different

things i’ve had three

pretty significant knee surgeries

two reconstructions

both knees i’ve had the acls replaced

this one i had my meniscus done

i had my nose

fixed my nose was broken

who knows how many fucking times

so i had to

scoop out all the shit out of my nose and

the deviated septum repair

i stop and think

about it like if

modern science wasn’t around

modern medicine

i’d be fuck you be an ogre

i’ll be living

under a bridge

i’d be a cripple i

wouldn’t be able

to do anything for without fear of my legs

given out and

popping out and falling to the ground in agony

that’s just what people did back in the i

would have been dead

my appendix

ruptured in the

sixth grade that

would have been it

would have been a wrap wow

one of those

things ruptures

what happens

your parents just tell

you to go take a nap and they don’t believe you for

three days and then

finally they take you down there

and you almost die yeah wow

i always poison yourselves for that one

they just didn’t believe you

no i don’t know my brother was convinced

i was playing baseball and that’s what happened

i don’t even remember i just kept having like side pain

and then the next day i

would feel fine then i’d have a fever

and then i would feel fine

and then one day i

guess it just

burst isn’t it

crazy that what your appendix is is an

organ that you don’t use anymore because it’s used to

is it an organ meat

yeah so it’s

an organ that

you’ve evolved

for bone breaking

down bone is sure

is your your

intestines are an

organ i thought your

organs like a

liver pancreas

google intestines find out what the fuck it is

i’m pretty sure that what what intestine is

not intestine

appendix rather

what appendix is

is an organ that we used to use when we process meat

we processed much more raw meat you know

i thought was only

eight leaves

that was both trees

jesus look at it’s something between the

three evolving between the

three we don’t have a

clue yeah it’s something that we’re evolving

you know are we’re

evolving so we don’t use it anymore

which is pretty fascinating when you think

about it it’s actually

it couldn’t have been that long ago it’s like

clear evidence that the

human body is

adapting to its environment

and we literally don’t use this fucking

organ anymore and sometimes it blows up in your body

you know i mean that’s what it does

right just fucking

it’s like why

yeah suicide bombs

i would have been i

would have died of that there’s a couple

things i would have died of

broke my arm when i was six i got hit by a car

if i thought

if it was the eighteen hundreds i

would have died by get hit by a car by

getting hit by that car in

the eighteen

hundreds what how did you

hit by a car i didn’t look i was racing my brother home

and he had stronger legs than i did so

i figured if i

cross i was

sure i looked

and i just do

right out in

front of a jeep

i wish i had

video because i

still don’t

know how i didn’t get run over all i remember

was being upside

down and feeling the heat of the engine

and seeing the bumper

and then the next

thing i remember i was

lying perpendicular to the double lines

i was only out for a

second just like bells are

when he got choked out i was only out for a

second click cause

when i came to

the biggest dude you ever

saw in your life gets out of this jeep

he probably had nightmares

because of the way i just rode out in

front of me

already crying

going oh my god i hit

and i all i

could think was my dad’s

gonna fucking kill me and i got up

and i ran the only

thing that fucking happened the only thing that

other than i got

knocked out was

you know that

thing here if you bite down on your back

teeth that thing

that goes in and out on the side of your head yeah

that’s right

where i got hurt so i had to eat with a little spoon

for a couple

of days i remember it happened on a wednesday

because the doctor says you don’t have to go to

school for the rest of the week and i was

psyched i finally have to fake school

and i had fucking thursday

friday saturday and

sunday off it was totally worth it

it’s one of the reasons why i stopped

fighting is because when i was kickboxing

there was many

nights where i couldn’t chew my food

i’d come home and i

literally couldn’t chew

oh because i’ve

heard too much side of the head

and i would get headaches i’d lay in bed at

night and get fucking vicious headaches

that was not fun yeah it was

scary shit the

other chewing

food i’d be chewing food going

you know you get kicked in the fucking jaw

that’s not fun

you know you get kicked or

punched in the head like really

blasted oh yeah your jaw just gets

i fought right up right up

until fifth grade and then

i went from being one of the bigger kids to one of the

smaller kids

and then also kids

started getting to be like a buck 20

kind of knowing how to throw a punch and like

i saw i saw scary

yeah dude i totally became a coward i became

funny i knew a bunch of dudes who had brain damage

i knew a bunch of dudes from boxing gyms that had

brain damage

wasn’t too significant

but it was enough that you could see it

and i’d seen guys from you know when i

started when i was 15 and i’d seen

how they evolved

you know how they develop brain damage up

until you know when i was like 21 when i stopped

fighting 21 or 22

i got to see the deterioration

that’s some scary shit

what’s his face you know save me

i want i want to go get i want to get in

shape when i was living in new york so i

i was started

going to gleason’s gym but i just did it like

total like actor i just want to get shredded

they were calling me like billy

swank and shit i say

about this yeah

giving me shit so

charlie murphy fucking gave me

great advice

cause i told my

starting to go over there

because he’s all that martial art

right there you go they just called me as a yo bill

let me tell you something

and he totally fucking broke it down

he’s like you’re gonna be over there

for like he

literally broke down because you’re gonna be over there

for like fucking

maybe a month

month and a half and somebody’s gonna come up to you

and tell you that

you look like you’re decent and they they’re basically

gonna try to talk you into getting into the ring

cause they need fresh meat

and he goes do not go in there

under any circumstance and like whatever charlie

always preaching this apocalyptic shit dude

literally clockwork six weeks over there

this fucking black dude

shredded comes up to me

hey man you’re a comedian

man you don’t look like a comedian look at

you’ve got a nice jab or whatever you know we wanna

spar a few rounds

i almost started laughing

like it was so exactly what the fuck he said

i was like get the fuck

some six weeks six weeks in a comedian

this fucking guy’s been fighting

for like 10 years

to beat you up

he wanted to try this shit

that he didn’t have the balls to try

against a professional he was

gonna try some new

i don’t know superman hook

is that a punch i know what

the fuck it was he wanted to try it on my dudes do look

for charlie

brown guys to

spar with yeah

look to beat guys up to improve

their confidence and you know

try the techniques on

nobody wants to

spar with a guy that’s

gonna beat the fuck out of you you want to

spar with a guy who’s

gonna just kind of

barely put up a

fight and you’re

gonna be able to

t off on them and get it’s like

glorified that’s

basically what charlie told me that’s true

charlie murphy gave you some good advice

great advice

he laughed his ass off when i told him that

cause he just

started he just

started thinking

about my big

stupid charlie

brown head getting battered

around the ring boxing gyms are notorious for that shit

see when that happens in

jiu jitsu it’s really no big deal i remember when i

first started doing

jiu jitsu i

started rolling with guys who were really good

and just getting humiliated

getting strangled it was this one purple belt kid

i was a white belt i

was on newsradia and i was just

starting out there’s this purple belt kid

this brazilian

kid he was badass and he used to fucking rape me

every day i

would be terrified to have to

fucking roll with this kid because he was really good

and i was terrible

and every time i’d roll with them this

motherfucker would

mount me and

choke me and armbar me

he would tap me

three four times

i was exhausted just over and over and over

again he would tap me

but it didn’t hurt me you know i’m saying

what was the

level of frustration

coming from being a national

champion in

taiwan doing

well it was eye opening well

one of the reasons

why i stopped doing taekwondo is because

taekwondo you don’t

punch to the head in the tournaments

and i started kickboxing i

started working with

there was a guy

named joe lake who was a boxing

coach in boston and he

was training

at the same gym that i was at and he was offering me to

teach me boxing

if i would teach him how to kick

and so we sort of made

this little deal and we worked back and forth with each

other and i

started boxing and as i

started boxing i realized how bad my hands were

from taekwondo and then i’m

like i’ve wasted all my time doing this taekwondo shit

then when i go box

with guys in kickbox i’m fucking terrible with my hands

so i started

getting really good with my hands and working on it

so i’d already been

enlightened to the

fact that my original path was not the best path in the

world one of the reasons why i stopped

fighting i stopped

fighting in taekwondo

tournaments because i realized how

silly it was

how easy it was for people to

punch me in

the face and how many techniques didn’t work

once you added punching

then when the

ultimate fighting

championship came along

i realized like

oh well look what this fucking guy does he just

hoist gracie

just takes guys down and strangles them

what the fuck

would i do if that guy got me

i don’t know shit

so i started doing

jiu jitsu and i was just a rank beginner

i had wrestled one year

in high school

so i knew how to throw

bodies around a little bit

but i didn’t know how to defend myself

against anybody

was any good and this kid just mangled me over

but he never really hurt me

you know if this was kickboxing

and he did that to me he

would have given me

brain damage

broke my face

knocked me out

but this guy just choked

me and i just tapped and he armbarred me and i tapped

but he’s not really hurting you

every time he’s doing this to you you just tap

and emotionally


just to know

you don’t realize

until you roll

with a guy who’s good how a guy who’s like that

you know high

level purple bills a

strong guy can just

do whatever the fuck he wants to you

like literally you have no defense

there’s almost nothing you do

if you don’t

punch him and knock him

unconscious as he’s

grabbing a hold of you once he grabs you you’re

a victim you’re just a victim

you know it’s almost like if you get

grabbed by like a bear

like a wild animal it’s the

second they grab your button down

way worse for the bear

you finished

you imagine what it must feel like there’s a

photo that a guy took

he died he was killed by this bear

but he got one last

photograph of the female

charging him

because he was a wildlife

photographer it’s a very

famous photo

and he was in

the woods and as he’s walking through the woods he

stumbled upon

bare cubs and as he

stumbled upon

it was just too late

the female just runs out i’m a grizzly and he got a

photo of her fucking

lips curled

teeth bareed

roaring and looking at him with dead eyes

and that was his last

photo that he ever took it’s a fucking intense photo

if you find it online anybody finds

it online twitter that shit to me because i lost it

i had it online

i was showing it to somebody and then i cannot

find it anymore i don’t know if it was pulled or what

jesus you know when i was in

colorado my dog got

eaten by a mountain lion oh yeah

i know i’ve

been keeping up on you

just so you know we’re at that two hour

and 20 minutes i know where

we should probably

end this nobody wants to listen to a two hour and 20

minute podcast

by the way you have a podcast we

should talk about

first of all

monday bill burr

does not have fucking twitter

so we got him a goddamn twitter account

bill you gotta i’m not use this that shit

it helps you

promote it’s

the best thing for a

comic to use right now

it’s so shows you promote

i would not i

would have known that you had a podcast if i

if i if i heard

don’t you know that that’s by design

my podcast if we

i don’t hype it

i don’t hype it my podcast

is totally i do it for fun

and it’s it’s i go

but wait dirtier

i’m wager yeah

but people don’t know but you got you fucking

know me you know me you didn’t even know i had one

i know you had one i didn’t know you had one i

remember from

your myspace

page you think that you knew that i had one

but you didn’t

i remember you

should do it with a

phone you used to do it

with a phone

i do yeah but i just don’t

i don’t give a fuck how do you do it now do you see me

sit down with a

microphone now and just rant

how do you do

it now yeah

that’s the same

thing yeah people

send me questions and then i just go off on shit

so now you don’t do it on a

phone you don’t do that anymore no i have

i haven’t done it on a

phone now for

about a year oh

one of those voicemail

things you’re in a half

oh yeah when i used to call up g cat but that was

that was a lot of fun though because i

could be in airports making fun of fucking the

creeps at cinnabon

right and all that and people really like that so i’m

how come you

don’t have a fucking twitter account

dude i just got on facebook

but facebook’s good but twitter is

great for promoting gigs

like i got a gig

at the punchline atlanta

okay something

wrong with that

i got a gig at the

punchline in atlanta this

sunday i just booked it because i’m

gonna be in atlanta on

monday and i had a flying

sunday afternoon

so i said well i just do a fucking show there

so i i i just

started promoting it

i started promoting

it on fucking twitter i just

threw it up on twitter i’m in

let people know

so then people

start retweeting it and let people know

it’s almost fucking sold out

it’s all you have to do

yeah but you also

joe rogan yeah but i mean it on

television but people know who you are it helps bill

birdie you’re a celebrity too

when i told people that

you were coming on the podcast people got all fucking

excited and

fired up on twitter

seven of them no a

bunch of them on twitter i’ll show you

some you know something are you

against filling

seats bill burn

i’m against this fuzzy math

look i’ll show

you there’s a lot of people in here that we’re talking

about bill burr

there’s a lot of people look

at that scrolling

scrolling i

can’t find bill burr on twitter

right there bam

it’s bill burr on twitter people

and there you

go twitter and that’s what you do

you leave em wanting more joe

look you know how much fucking it’s

a pain in the ass to do all that shit it’s so easy i do

do you have an iphone when you have

blackberry i fucking twitter

every week on my fucking podcast

for an hour

and you could listen

to twitter it’s on itunes the same

thing twitter

is like a text message that you send to all your fans

so i’ve got

130 something thousand people on my

twitter quit showing off we already know you’re fucking

black baller son

131 785 so that is

131 000 people that i can get in contact with

pretty much instantly i mean if they pay attention to

their twitter

you know all you have to do is you twitter hey i’m

gonna be in fucking newport beach bam

and then you can get people to come to

your shows it’s so much easier it’s so much easier than

going on a radio show and getting up in the morning

you know you can fucking get

things yeah you

know what i’m always like i always like the old

school way of doing shit i always

think it’s better

i don’t know why

you’re an old

school sort

of a guy i’m

a i’m a romantic

you are a romantic and you

know that i

like i like

men by the way joe that bear

photo is fake

i’ll get on twitter fake yeah

which one is fake

the one with the dead body

oh i don’t know you talking about

oh no no no that’s a different one yeah i got it i will

the other one is i will

start tweeting

black and white that’s what it was that

tweeting that just

sounded play

tweeting tweet

some say it joe but is it your

say yeah i tweeted

about that yesterday i tweeted

about that yesterday

yeah you looked away

look at me look at me

bill where are you

gonna be out this weekend

where can people see you i’m

gonna be at the improv

down on melrose

hollywood improv and next

weekend i’m

gonna be at the orleans with

tom popo co headlining with tom papalas his last gig

george carlin ever did was at the orleans casino

wow in vegas huh

it’s a good

place i’m gonna be there i’ve been there for fights

billboard com

b urr billboard com and i have

and what the

fuck is i don’t know what it is i have a podcast if you

click on the podcast link

billboard com

podcast and you can find it on itunes it’s called the

monday morning podcast yeah the

money we got him

a fucking twitter account okay we’re

gonna force him

into getting twitter we’re

gonna set it up here

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