The Joe Rogan Experience #27 - Sam Tripoli

you stream with your

with your problems

ladies and gentlemen

i present to you the lovely and talented

mr sam tripoli

sam tripoli

ladies and gentlemen it’s

honor and privilege man

thanks for having me here

dude i do love how you wearing sunglasses inside i’m

gonna do it

just for you

we have this this why

should black people only be able to

do it i want to rock that yeah why why can they do it

so clean your

broadcast right now

right aren’t we

says we’re broadcasting

does not show up on you stream

yeah for me

how dare you let’s try it again

might be a little slow today you stream is it bogging

do we have a problem there we go it’s all good okay

yep we’re good okay

so it was a

it was a total false alarm ladies and gentlemen

we have sunglasses on why because sam

tripley showed up with sunglasses and out of respect

i’m gonna follow suit let’s do it i’ve

never done a show with sunglasses on let’s do it

so what is it about black oh before we even get started

i need to get a new one of these

flashlights by the way joe

i think i’m

using mine can you fuck

the shit out of yours i don’t know if i’m not

cleaning it well

enough this is the one i fucked so you don’t want to

touch this one do you really fuck that

does it feel real

i think it’s a computer


do you really fuck that

fuck the shit out of that my cat wants to get out man

brian let my cat out too

while you’re up

there’s too many people in here she’s

freaking out

here meow that’s how we roll

ladies and gentlemen some people

they work out of a professional

studio in hollywood me

i got computers that are always

on i got a cat that wants to get out of my office

she does it’s a girl don’t insult

her brother that’s just rude

before we get started

fuck one of these i got

a bunch of dogs you ever fuck one of these

no dude it’s

of course you beat off we all do

you know guys with functional arms

and and dicks attached we all

masturbate yeah i

beat off enough this

is way better than beating really yes it’s way better

we are actually sponsored

by them but even if i wasn’t sponsored by them i

would tell you to fuck this

thing are you telling me

that they’re better

than a hand way better

way better because your hand you’re always there’s

you’re getting

you’re still getting like

a signal from your dick

right your hand and

signal from your hand that you’re holding a dick

you know what i’m saying

it’s like you’re doing it to

yourself and even though you know exactly what you like

you’re not gonna get the same feeling as if

someone else is doing it to you or if you’re actually

fucking something that’s amazing this is the next best

thing to having sex i’m telling you dude it’s the

masturbation device for the male

ever created

it feels like your is there a lot of upkeep though

man dude you

squirt some lube in it

you fuck it

you shoot your load

you uncork the bottom

this disgusting

snot ball of

shame comes out like the spit

valve and trumpet

wow you dump your loadout then you

stick this in the faucet

clean the fucking

shot so you don’t

pull you don’t pull the fish out of the bucket at all

you can i do

i pull the fish out of the bucket

all day who

created this

would brians or japanese americans god damn it we’re

americans by the way what

brian means by pull the fish out of the bucket

this is what

brian means this is his patented move

he says that this

yeah you just hook

that up to the back of your faucet or you

it’s a very controversial thing

flashlight it’s a very controversial subject sex toys

and i don’t

think it should be i think it’s

fucking dumb

it’s a biological

maintenance thing

you know that’s what masturbation is

people think about it

somehow another

still like there’s something

dirty to it

like this rubber

thing that you

stick your dick in

cause somehow or another this

would be bad you know what sucks

about that is when you have your

married friend over for

a nice drink or two

it’s laying around and you accidentally

leave it in the bathroom

and not only do you

leave it in the bathroom

with the lid open so it’s just this pussy

while he’s taking a piss

there was like a pubic hair on it of course

and he came out and didn’t say

a word and then i went to the bathroom a couple minutes

later i’m like oh he didn’t even say anything

you know like he

was just gonna like keep it to

himself like well

maybe just assumed you’re a

freak maybe just

hit it what did it

tell you with him being

married though

huh well you know

cause he was just like you know he’s not

he’s not like

fucking fake pussies are you wearing sunglasses

those are glasses no no these are

glasses i’ve been

using the internet

too much lately so my eyes are fucking

killing me really yeah dude you cook in your eyes i

did last three days i’ve done nothing

but surf the internet my eyeballs are getting not

but they’re not bad i can

still read but

they’re not as good

i can definitely see a deterioration but i’m just

assuming that’s a part of the

aging process

i’ve been on youtube

constantly watching pro wrestling

non stop dude

hogan vs the

ultimate warrior

i was like i

watch that i was getting really

you watch it

i just because i got this

right thing

going on yeah

let’s talk about that

before we even say anything more sam tripoli

has a fantastic show tomorrow

night at the hollywood improv

if you’ve never seen the sam tripoli

naughty show

it’s not just

stand up comics

where he gets a

bunch of the

you know really the best

comics our buddies from la

will go up and perform i’ve done a show

i did a show last month

right yeah i

murdered a heckler

so it was so much fun it’s such a

fun what it is though it’s not just

stand up comedy

it’s stand up comedy but it’s a variety

he’s got like a variety show

going on he has like little game shows

going on he shows

videos i love

porn stars though yeah that’s the main thing

this week you have dana don’t you i have dana de arman

and joanna angel

it’s great and he does this show

it’s like a comedy variety show

porno stars they do question and answer and

trivia type shit

it’s really fucking hilarious stuff

and it’s a fun evening it’s not just like a comedy show

which i love comedy

but i like that

you’re mixing it up you got comedy you got a bunch

it really feels like a

vegas show and that’s what i said when i

first saw it i was like

you know someone

should recognize that and put this fucking

thing in vegas

cause i know you put a lot of time and

effort into it it’s really a fun show to

watch man thanks man

yeah i look forward to it

my favorite part of the show

is telling clean

comics they can’t do it

i’m sorry you were

clean can’t use yourself yeah

but i like porn

you what you’re doing man

it’s you’re creating this really fun

party atmosphere

you know that’s

what your show is it’s not just a comedy show

it’s like a comedy

show but all this

stuff that’s happening it’s all fun and silly and

it’s like a

great move if you want to get a

chick horny

right your show is all

about fucking yeah

your stand up is

about fucking

the show’s all

about fucking your

you got porn stars up everybody’s having a great time

so by the end of the

night if you’re the girl you brought if you

you know if you picked her correctly

when you bring her to the show

she’s gonna associate having fun with fucking

she had fun with you she’s gonna yeah

some pavlov

shit some pavlov

type shit son you know i’m saying

i mean actually man my crowd is

a large part is women

yeah oh there was a lot of

chicks when we were there

yeah you have a lot of

women that come it’s

cause it’s fun man it’s a fun show

and again girls i

think really love

those weekly

monthly type shows remember when before

steel panther became big

weren’t they

metal shop is it the same band

i don’t know if it’s the same band or not because

i just got into them when you showed me and we went to

vegas dude how

much fucking fun was that that was awesome it’s

more than just a

music show it’s like

steel panther

they do like

it’s you know it’s like it really

rekindled these

eighties bands

the dude does like the best fucking

ozzy impression that’s awesome

and they’re really good musicians

you know so the

music is tight you know it’s good man

we saw him in

vegas at the

house of blues

we’re gonna see him

again because i

think they’re on

after me on july 2nd

i think they’re playing the

second and the

third i’m not sure but i

think they are

but they they were on after it

wasn’t that or was it

after the usa was the next day

i don’t know i can’t remember was the next day it was

after the ufc so we came down and we

watched it it

was a pretty late show but yeah fucking awesome it was

metal shopper

steel panther ruined one of my favorite gigs and pb

the there was this

place called moon doggies and

every time i did it i always got

like weird lays too like it was awesome and then

steel panther

one of them

they start doing it on the same

night and then the show

went away but dude i mean

weird chicks

like chicks who

blew cows and

stuff like that and like i’m like that’s a female that

i blew an animal that’s all i know and i’m like

a real chick

a blue an animal yeah

really what you like for a video

just for fun

she blew an animal for fun yeah

how do you how did you find out

about this she told me wow

how my life

that doesn’t mean you don’t really

feel like you scored

with that that girl’s willing to suck a cow’s dick

yeah but she’s willing to do that what

would she let me do she let you do what you did

anything you pretty much have

full game on that

yeah but you don’t feel like you accomplished anything

you feel like wow this is the lowest hanging fruit ever

right those

chick fucks animals they

can’t even talk you’ll

start thinking

about it and like putting

lysol on your dick

there’s just

isn’t there a certain

thing like that like

you know when i talk

about my act

about child molesters that you have to kill

them because you can’t really bounce back from that

yeah that’s a very

funny joke think

about that with

chicks there’s a certain amount of

things that a

chick can’t do

you know in her past

where you can just accept that she grew from that and

moved on right

like the conversation comes up about like

would you be able to date a porn star or

would you be able to date

a prostitute

that would be the craziest one right

what if there was a girl who is a high end prostitute

and she felt really bad

about it but she did it for like

a year and then she quit but she was the most awesome

chick you ever met

the back of your head’s

gonna be going what

shit i mean i know i fucked

up i’ve made mistakes i’m no fucking perfect person but

god damn you were a hooker

fuck you know it’s like you

would have to be like incredibly open minded

and then some

get over them

to like watching

their girl get bone

the problem that

those guys are all fucked up man

those guys they’re

just as fucked up they’re the type of people that

would take it in the ass if

given the opportunity well

i don’t want to say that they’re fucked up they

could just be crazy

swingers but

what the people that are fucked up are the cuckold guys

the guys who like want guys to fuck

their girl in

front of them oh yeah and like and like embarrass them

and like have you ever met one of

these people or do you

think that was just invented oh

dude it’s a

hundred percent

real in orange

county like

guys who pay like

large black guys

yeah i saw a

picture online

i don’t know it

maybe stan hope send it to me

somebody sent it to me somebody fucked up send it to me

and it’s this

fucking guy and this girl together

and the man is sucking this

black guy’s dick in

front of the girl

like the black guys making this man suck his dick

and then he’s

gonna fuck the

white girl and he’s wearing a suit

and it’s one of the most disturbing

pictures ever

it just is something so primal and disturbing

about it yeah how do you

get there that’s a broken dude any dude who like wants

to suck a guy’s dick and then wants the girl to once

he’s not even gay he wants

to be humiliated by this guy he wants

to fuck his girl in

front of him then

they a lot of times they come in the guy’s

mouth do you

think what the fuck

son you imagine

no how much

is that guy own you

he fucked your wife and then came in your

mouth oh my god

you know if you

found out a

chick used to do that you know i’m saying

well i dated this guy he was crazy

he used to have

black guys come over and fuck me in

front of him and he

would suck the

black guy’s dick

it was so uncomfortable

i really wasn’t

into it but he was into it so we kept doing it and god

i’m so glad

i got over that

you’d be like what yeah way

to go back what

the fuck happened

wait a minute

the white guy suck the

black guy’s dick then the

black guy fuck you and then the

black guy came in the

white guy’s mouth

check please

right we snowballed

twenty times back and forth and

seen too much hooker you have seen too much my dear

you’ve got too much life

experience i cannot handle that

that’s where i tap

yeah but isn’t there something about like

having your

getting your

chick to do filthy shit it’s like it’s almost like to a

point but then you

gotta go this is a girl this

is the girl i love why am i making her do

it what’s even

worse is when a girl

wants you to do it to or they

want to be humiliated you

hear about girls like that that want to be hit

want to be choking the

choking thing

is what gets me you

do the choking

thing don’t you i

dated a chicken want to get choked it was uncomfortable

scary you don’t

wanna associate rape

with sexuality with you know with i mean you know

the girl obviously know she can

trust you the girl

i mean if chicks are into it don’t get me

wrong i’m not saying

you shouldn’t do it do whatever the fuck you want i

think as a man though

the last thing you

wanna do is associate like

aggressive violence with sexuality

i don’t want to connect

those two in

my head because i know people get connected with

things that’s

where fetishes come from

i used to have a foot fetish

cause i dated this girl

you did really into her feet

yeah she was really into her feet

and she had

cute feet she just had was really into

him though and she would rub

her feet on my deck and shit like that that’s crazy

but you know she

would try to

jerk me off with her feet

really yeah yeah

she was a freak she was a

freak i just met somebody that liked that she was a

freak but this was when i was really

young and i was like 16 17

and i was like one of my first

girlfriends so i had this foot

thing for a while

you know you connect

you connect that with sexuality

i think it’s

weird you get into connect yeah

maybe that’s weird but

it wasn’t like

i was only in defeat

like i just thought i like girls with pretty feet

but you didn’t

see her feet and then like pop a bone

or did you no no no but i

found them attractive though i

found the whole package

attractive and

the fact that she was like really into her

so you don’t have a foot fetish now

no i don’t like them to be

gross but no i don’t have a foot fetish

do you take care of your feet

see i think

i trim my nails but

that’s just so i don’t scratch people and you just you

never get your feet done or anything like that get

the fuck out of here son

you should do it you

should look what you’re looking at son

you know what

man you ticklish

are you tickling i’m saying you’re ticklish

aren’t you no i don’t

need anybody

to be fucking

cleaning my toes no but once you have it done

have you ever

had a date a

monkey have you ever had it done there

dude do it once i

said the same shit what’s so special

about getting your

nails just it

feels good and it feels

clean and once you’re done you just like wow

i feel like this is like i’ve been washing my own

feet you lazy fuck

ain’t that hard

washcloths of

soap it’s like you were wiping it

they brought me to one to get my feet done one time i

swear to god i walked in

that all the asian

ladies look

at me and then they run to the back of the room

behind this door

and you just hear them arguing

and then one boy

wants to do you nobody wants

they saw armenian

walkthrough and they’re like that’s

hilarious i saw one of

those old guys at starbucks the

other day that

had like the sandals but his toenails were all

super yellow and like huge like curling up

and then he had all

those scabby

things all over

his feet like it was like drying skin and stuff

i trim mine mostly out of

courtesy for guys at

jiu jitsu right

cause it sounds

gross but and gay too

but you scratch guys with your toenails and jiu jitsu

all the time i get scratched

by fingernails and toenails

so i always keep my shit really really really short

there’s guys that don’t

man sometimes you’re rolling with guys you look down at

their feet and they’re like the wolfman

and there’s scrambles and

in scrambles people push and they push off their feet

and they can claw you up man with

their toenails

you know they’re

trying to get your back and they’re trying to get

those hooks in

they’re trying

to dig the hooks to to like get butterfly hooks on you

they can fuck you up with

their toes man

they can cut your shit up is that why you have a beard

from all the scratch marks on your face joe

sexy when i’m furry son

i’m trying to suck

on this don’t be

you don’t be hating on my beard son

yo but going back to what you’re talking

about is a manly beer

weird fetishes

don’t you think that people

should just embrace what they are and try

to find what

i was saying

to that all i was saying was me personally i don’t

think i mean it’s just an opinion i don’t

think it’s good to connect violence and sex

you know i connected feet with sex for a

while because of this

freaky girl that i did

that’s nothing

wrong with that no one’s getting hurt

if you connect violence

with sex and then you get with somebody that you like

and maybe she isn’t into that shit

you know maybe i mean

let’s be honest

the violent

sexual relationships

really don’t have a lot of fucking

shelf life yeah

assume you’re

gonna have another

girlfriend that’s

crazy this one that wants you to

choke her and brutalize her she

smack her in the head

how long are you

gonna stay with her

right we’re

gonna have kids and then involve them into

the whole mess

well you know obviously people adapt

and change and evolve

but it’s just

there’s something

about that there’s something

about violence like attacking and sex

there’s one thing

about fucking someone hard but it’s another thing

about you know

when it when it becomes some sort of a like a

sort of a rape thing

you know like a rape fantasy

there’s some

weird shit about rape

fantasies yeah that is

weird but you know it’s like i do a joke

about that auto rock a

fixation it’s like

my you know i

my whole thing

is get a spotter you know what i’m saying like get a

buddy no sit

there when you hang yourself and you’re

whacking it when your eyes roll they lift

you up yes for that yes you know what i’m saying like

but because

they’re so scared of putting it out there that

they hide insulin

you know it

would be a very good

point you mean look

think about all the shit that priests do

right and somehow you know

forgive themselves for it or justify it

there was that one

priest that

baptist minister very famous guy

obviously they’re not the same as priests but who

he died with a

black dildo up his ass

in a wetsuit

hanging because he did the autoerotic association

thing wow just

think of all the

shit that that guy’s willing to justify you know if you

i mean not really that’s actually

a bad example because i said he was a bishop

but hopefully they’ll

catch a priest

doing the exact same

thing and this

will make sense

but this poor

guy couldn’t just tell people hey i got this

crazy thing i like to do man

it’s really fucked up i’m in the

weird shit i

don’t i don’t want you to

see it but i’m afraid i’m gonna die

yeah so come in and

watch me beat

off somebody

just sit there and spot

me there should be an iphone app where

you hit start and if you don’t like

put in a code in in like

three minutes or something

like that it calls 911 automatically so you can

choke yourself or

whack off on what is it

about people that just trip on certain

things like that

like you know like they’ll get into just whatever

weird fetish shit

tying people up and

gagging them and

you remember our pal that used to like to beat his

chick and she used to like to get whipped

remember that he used to whip her who mr d

do you remember that no you don’t remember that

we can’t say who because

he dated someone famous

all right we’ll talk

later yeah we’ll talk off the air

we’re no snitches folks

snitches get stitches

i gave it to

him in cold he don’t even know who the fuck i’m talking

about and confused

all right we’ll forget

about it but let’s just

let’s just let’s just try

to figure out what the fuck it is i mean i know that my

thing with feet was because i

dated a girl was

freaky with her feet

i have a boob thing

definitely you know

every guy’s

gonna no but like i always joke i like girls with

vaginas that’s my

thing i i get

blinded by headlights like non stop

i i don’t see anything

about that we all do

i know but that’s what i’m saying it’s

basic you’re an

ass man i’m a face an ass man

you know what’s

weird about

there’s two

totally different

things when it comes to

with breast sexuality

what makes them sexual

there’s natural tits

where you’ve

got like there’s a natural pull this natural draw

but it’s just purely sexual

but there’s a different draw with fake

tits with fake

tits there’s

still a draw and you feel

stupid for being

drawn into these

stupid things because you know that they’re really just

bags of water

underneath the skin and it’s not the same draw

from real tits

but there’s

something a little

extra dirty

about the fake

death yeah a little

extra turn you on a bit

because you know this place

she wants dick so bad she’s like i want

to make sure you know i really like dick you’re right

they can say

that it’s like that they’re just trying to look

attractive and all that good

but what does

that mean you want to look like somebody wants

to fuck you you want people to really want to fuck you

i would agree

unless it’s one of

those like no i just got to be

because they were

really droopy

but for the most part yeah

look there’s nothing

wrong with getting breast implants if you want to do

that don’t get me wrong

don’t get me

wrong if i was a girl i’d probably have them if i had

small boobs i’d get a boob job fuck it why not

how about breast reduction i

think that’s

when girls just give up because it hurts too much i did

grow at that

that’s the only

thing i can think of i

dated a girl a long time ago she was just born with

giant ones she had a breast reduction before i met her

she was so happy though

because for her

like her back used to fucking kill her she had these

giant e’s like natural e’s

wow she just was born i actually have a family member

i said that

i don’t remember

that novel i was

right there i have a friend that

she’s born with a

gigantic codice

bruce breast or

lidus or whatever it’s called where your

breasts just

are retardedly like the retarded

breasts just

a natural or

gift from god

no no no i mean

these aren’t even real breasts

these look like fucking katamari

you know it looks like a worm

oh is it like the old lady breast

where it’s like down at their gut

yeah yeah diseases and if you

look at this person you’re like wow that person’s fat

but if you knew it was

just like hey lift the boo up here no actually i’m fine

oh wow that’s and she

won’t let her

operate she’s only like 18

they won’t let

her operate because they’d say you have to lose 30

pounds cause this is a really serious

procedure procedure

and i guess you can’t

be overweight at all you have to be really healthy

and she won’t do it so now this poor

girl is just wow she’s so lazy she won’t lose 30 pounds

what a lazy bitch

so you know what someone needs

to do something with your microphone

like how heavy

can you plug the

back in tighter or something

everybody’s in good shape huh

i didn’t do anything all right

so it now


ladies and gentlemen we are kingston which is

way down no i’m trying to get rid of that

like there’s like a buzz in it so

rogan what the fuck tripoli

i want to tell a story of

you and me and a heckler

i don’t know which one

oh yeah i remember that one that was a funny one

whenever you want right now

it’s the greatest heckle kill of all time

i was doing a

gig in phoenix arizona a friend of mine at a bar and he

whenever i came in town he throws

stand up show

so i i went down to do

stand up but

my aunt who’s no longer with us but she finally

got to come see me and she was like eighty at the time

so she came down my

whole family is there i’m on

stage i’m doing a joke

about how i got my ass kicked by my

girlfriend i got scar

right here from when she put me in the hospital

you know i got stitches on

stuff and i was talking

about that and i

dropped my punchline also and i hear joke teeth

i’m like what

me she’s like you’re joke

teeth i’m like oh what do you

who and i look in there just

really hot chick with this huge goon

she was sitting

on his lap and i’m like what are you talking about lady

she goes that’s not your joke that’s joe rogan’s joke

you didn’t write that you fucking

stole it from i go no

joe rogan’s my friend he

doesn’t have that joke no it’s his fucking joke i just

heard him do it

you’re fucking joke thief

i go well how

about this how

about i call joe

and he’ll tell you it’s not his joke

she goes good do it

but you won’t because you’re a fucking joke

thief i’m like and i’m on

stage man oh please let this have a good ending

so so i’m like okay i’m

gonna call him but we got make a deal

if he says it’s his joke i’ll quit comedy

now if he says

it’s not his joke you have to come up here

and let this guy in the

front row lick your tits

nice and she’s like okay

but you’re not

gonna make call

you’re a fucking joke thief

so i called joe

and usually joe

will get back to me the next day or something like that

but i’m like oh man he’s not

gonna answer phone

so i call him i

leave a message

like joe this tripoli

dude i need you to call me

right now i’m on

stage call me

and i hang up i’m like i didn’t answer

and she’s like of course he didn’t answer

cause you’re a fucking joke

thief i go it’s like friday

night ladies probably doing some

valve some my

phone rings

act of god i don’t know what

that’s awesome

it’s fucking rogan nice

i’m like but then you pay

tnt and it drops in the

i’m like rogan

what’s up he’s like what’s up tripoli

what the fuck are you doing i go

i’m doing stand up he goes

you’re on stage

right now i’m like yeah

i go do you do a joke

about getting your ass kicked by your

girlfriend well you know joey

doesn’t get his ass kicked by anybody so

it’s not happening

he’s like no

i don’t i’m like okay you need to tell this guy this

story so um

and i tell him that you know this girl

accuse me stealing his joke so i

bring this guy on

stage it’s like i

might confirm it’s rogan

and then repeat what he says

oh it’s rogan

still rogan

it’s joe rogan

no he doesn’t do a joke like that he’s

never done a joke like that and sam tripoli

doesn’t have to steal joke

cause he’s a funny motherfucker

fuck you bitch and the whole place just goes ah man

did you record this do you have a red band

no i think one guy recorded i’ve always asked him dude

it was lost in the egosphere

so the whole

place goes nuts

i can’t follow that so i just i’m like hey rogan

thank you so much i got take care of some business

i hang up i go okay it’s time to pay the toll to the

troll come up and let this guy

that’s great lick your tits

and she’s like no i ain’t gonna fucking do it and the

whole place boos her right wow

so i’m like oh i can’t i

tried one joke i can’t follow that it’s the

greatest heckle kill of all time

so i’m like okay it’s great

thank you guys so much standing o

i’m not lying to you

every chick

in the place

runs up to this chick

and starts fucking laying into her

you’re a fucking

bitch you shouldn’t

have fucking done that you made a deal you

should gone up there

let him lick your

tits this is beautiful

fucking all of a

sudden i see this chick

and her goon

boyfriend running out of the bar

cause they’re getting chased out by

chicks that is awesome god i wish you had that on

video what club was this

it was a bark called

what was the name of the

bark can you remember los angeles no it was in phoenix

he was in hollywood i was in phoenix

this chick got

bitch slapped

in the six o two

from the three two

three that is beautiful isn’t it

crazy you can do that today

dude that’s a that’s

wanna be that

would have been such a

great youtube video

see that’s why

these clubs

if they were smart

they’d be like look we’re always

gonna record you something fucking

crazy happens

you know we’re

gonna put on our youtube page

yeah i mean

i don’t like hecklers i really wish

every show was just fun everybody had a good time

but goddamn interacting with

those fucking retards sometimes makes for some fun shit

fuck yeah you know have you ever thought

about why they heckle

yeah i mean there’s a

whole bunch of reasons

for sure they’re all fucked up in the head

no one heckles it’s a cool person it’s not what you

would do i think girls heckle

cause they’re either attracted to you or they

they’re mad at someone else’s the center of attention

there could be that or you

could be offensive to them and they

feel like they have the need to shut you up or they can

stop you i’ve had that i’ve experienced that before

where i felt like

like what i was saying like a girl didn’t

agree with what i was saying and she just was not

gonna hear it she couldn’t hear it and

she had to yell shit out i’ve had that happen before

you know where

they just you

could tell they just can’t take it

it’s just like

they’re just too much a control

freak or something but

i mean the bottom line is i’ve seen a lot of

things that i didn’t enjoy

you know but i just left

you know that’s the

whole thing it’s like i hate comment cards

yeah there’s

nothing wrong with that man

you know you want to know that you

know a bunch of people thought the guy sucked you

know if people pay

my cards are just

like mailing list you know there that’s pretty much

the club trying to get your information to advertise

for you it is

but it’s also to get feedback

they read the feedback man

i think there’s some good

things to it because of a

bunch of people

got turned off to a show

you know they

should know

i mean you look you

gotta find your own fucking audience man and until

people knew

what i did there was a lot of shows that i did

where a lot of people

got offended you know people that came to see like

the fear factor guy or you know some guy from

television that they thought was you know cute

and i’m talking

about all kinds of

crazy shit that they

don’t necessarily want to hear

about it yeah

you know so i totally

understand the

whole feedback

system man you know

there’s nothing wrong

with that i’m a yop

elite i get it dude the best thing

about the internet is all the criticism that you get

it seems like

it doesn’t it seems like it’s not but it is

because some

of it is good some of it is very constructive even

if they’re douchey

about it it’s like

think about how you

would criticize something anonymously

you were totally nas

and you weren’t a performer

you know when you saw something

like it fucking suck donkey dicks this guy blows

he’s got this ridiculous

outlook on life it’s not well thought out at all

i don’t want to hear him making his dumb

points you know that’s what you’d say

if you were totally anonymous and that’s what they’re

gonna say too

but guess what man that’s the real reaction to you

and it may be

valid it may not be they

might might be just fucking

idiots who look for

negative shit and

everything and

they can’t look at anything in a positive way

and they could be jealous and they

could have all sorts of

other issues

where they don’t like

other men having

success or anybody having success

because they’re unhappy that’s possible too

but it’s also possible they got some good

points man you know i

think it’s real hard for us as comedians

performers to totally objectively

look at your shit you

know sometimes you don’t want to sometimes you don’t

want to edit your material or edit your writing or

you don’t want to go back on it and improve it

again and improve it

again and try to figure out

what’s wrong with it you

know sometimes

you get lazy but people

all that shit on

youtube comments and message

board comments

that’s all good for you man i really believe that

i believe it’s the best

thing for your

psyche to be able to

to really see

things objectively yeah

the biggest

thing i get on youtube is

that drives me

crazy is when people call me

racist i just can’t

stand it because i’m really not

at all you just can’t

even read that shit like you can’t read anybody on the

on the internet because 90

of them are people that it

might be just somebody you know fucking with you it

might just be you know

but it’s like it does

happen a lot

we had a friend let me tell this before you

we had a friend who

broke up with a girl

and she got on

every one of his youtube

videos and would write

nasty fucking comments

about him she created like a

whole profile

just to fuck with

them yeah and that’s what usually this is it’s usually

or it’s just one obsessed person

that’s making

multiple accounts to make it seem like there’s all

these people like

dude that happens

a lot of people that

think you suck too

no i’m saying we know somebody that does that

you know it

does happen

occasionally but i

think that’s not really

worth looking at i

think you know you look at like what’s the

tone what are they saying are they just being retarded

yeah or just

being that one

is it valid

right there’s something to it

i like it because i’ll

leave it i’ll leave

like if he has a

valid point i’ll

leave the comment if it’s just some

stupid ass makes no

sense some of

them just want attention to they

just want attention

they just want

to react to that 15 year olds on the computer

did you watch that

documentary with carlisman sia

dude i showed it to you son no

sam have you seen it i

haven’t seen it yet you

gotta see the clip you gotta

see this clip

no actually

i don’t here i’ll tell

you exactly what it is on youtube

we heard about this

they did a documentary called i am

comic and in the i am

comic documentary

they talked to

monsea where

it’s just right just

youtube look for youtube

carlos monsea

admits to stealing he’s just

so he doesn’t just

admit it but

he explains what everyone’s always accused him of

i mean he actually like

he actually like

tries to justify it by saying that it’s like

sampling i actually

wouldn’t care

about this at all no so over

after you showed it to me

it really was amazing

it was way more than i

could ever imagine he

would ever do yeah i

would have thought that it

would have been some sort of thinly

veiled joke or that you

know he would

you know sort of like

come up with some sort of a

you know justification

you know people are jealous or something and

or just half ass it but this is like he just flat out

admits it man

just listen to

it check this

hold on let me turn

down all these volume

you’re gonna

freak out because it’s just so

weird yeah i was kind of actually

starting to feel really bad for him lately because

his twitter has been really depressing and

stuff but this

this is scary you felt bad for him

after the marin

podcasts yeah well that was hard

for him i’m sure when

steve trevino

and barcena

and all those guys got up

i actually said

on my twitter that you know if you ever want to get ice

cream i’m here for you

and i told you dude he’s

gonna fucking poison your ice cream

are you kidding

me you’re like the one guy who ruined his life

here’s the clip

i really get

last run out of it

a lot of people out there

are gonna ask why did they interview carlos

about this you

know carlos is a joke

steve carlos

steals jokes and we know this and not

listen to me

and look at me when i tell you this with all honesty

if you think that i

steal jokes

fuck yeah you’re right

where’s that fucking

still jokes are you out of your fucking mind

when i come to a comedy club

you better run

bitch you better get the fuck off stage

if anything you say is even remotely funny

i’m gonna make it mine

and all i’m

gonna do is say mexican in the

front unlike a rapper

i just sample

shit and make it my own

was that really my song

i don’t know but it

sounds like mine

but it kind of

sounds like somebody else’s bitch

crazy dude wow

that’s almost like

watching a man implode

you know there’s something

about seeing that because what he’s trying to do and

make it look like you know like he’s a badass and he

doesn’t give a fuck

sort of like

i rob people like a rapper

would say it but i

think it was the only

thing he could do i

think he needs to do this i

think he needs to finally come

clean with it because that’s the only way

unless he wants

to live the next 30 years being the joke like oh

watch out for that guy

i think he just had to do this

he’s trying to justify it he’s trying to justify it

i mean he’s trying to actually figure out a way

where it could be okay did you notice

how he kept saying you know i have this amazing memory

i have this amazing memory and then they’re like well

when you did this this one time to kind club

i can’t remember that i can’t remember that

you know how

about the dude

doesn’t have anything written down

how crazy is that as a comic

let me tell you something man there’s there’s a

bunch of parts to being a comic like

you you know this the

stand up comedy

is not just your ideas it’s how you you get

those ideas out and that needs honing

and you’ll take

these ideas you have an idea for a bit

or an idea for something

i write everything out i

write out what i think

about something i

write out what i think

about a subject just so i know

like what my real thoughts and

points are and then once i do that

then i start dissecting it okay what’s

funny about this when we

get to the meat of this i know what i feel about this

now let me get to the meat of this

then let me get on

stage and let

me figure out what’s the best way to do this am i

gonna introduce

you know this part of the idea

first am i gonna go

right into the punchline

right away so it’s totally unexpected

right to the meat of the joke

and then like

build onto the

thing once i’ve already told them what’s happening

build onto it

afterwards and make it just more ridiculous

like how am i

gonna approach this like

there’s a lot of

craft to it man

you know and the bottom of

it involves writing shit

i mean you can sort of remember it

you know i’ve gone through periods of time

where i had a

bunch of bits

that they just sort of came up on

stage you know like they were attached to other bits

and then they branched out and became bits of

their own but i

never actually

wrote them down

i just knew how to do them from doing them on stage but

for the most

part man to create to really give something

some time and some consideration you got to sit in

front of a fucking

piece of paper

and think you know you got to

write and if you’re doing

stand up and you’re not writing

man i gotta know i gotta

think that you’re just how is it how are

those even really

truly your opinions i mean your opinions are

like all conglomerated with all the people around you

you don’t know what the

fuck your opinion is

until it’s you by yourself

your act is

alive until it’s yes

it’s constantly

evolving dude i always say that i always

say that it’s almost like i mean it’s very pretentious

but i say it’s almost like a living breathing

philosophy but i don’t want to say

philosophy because that

sounds really

kind of fucking

yoga e and pull yourself

you know it’s

not that it’s a

philosophy but it’s a way of

looking at life

it’s like this is my way of looking at this

particular situation that’s

going on this

particular time

and then once

it’s recorded it’s like frozen and then it becomes like

you know part of you know

who your life was you

know i mean

that’s really what it is right so

everything i do i try to turn to a joke at some point

how much time do you

spend actually sitting in

front of pieces of

paper or computer writing well

here i do a little different man i mean

i’ll sit down and

write but i

i feel like

i have to flow on

stage get going i’ll

write it down but

literally man

i talk to myself all day and i just work the bit

and work a bit

and like i’m driving i’ll be okay here

this is it okay tag tag tag

cut down and i don’t want to work it too much

i just want to get on

stage one time

getting my work and just

the natural part

right yeah yeah yeah

and then just flow and see

where it goes and just try to talk through it

isn’t it funny how you got an idea and you

write it out and you

think that you’re

gonna say it one way but then when you’re on

stage the moment just tells you

to say it a little different

and that little difference bam

could make this fucking huge reaction to it

just a word to

tweak a bit man or a

pause or just just setting it up correctly

you know there’s such a

craft to it

man it’s just something that you’re always fucking with

you know it’s

so satisfying but for a lot of people it’s so stressful

you know i know a lot of dudes that

eventually they want to get out they want to

do tv shows and shit like that because just doing the

stand up all the time just relying only on the

stand up just

such a fucking wild ride you know

yeah they like louis

ck does it man he does it

crazy bro he does a new special

every year and then

throws out all his material and

starts fresh

that’s strong man that’s

on it that’s a strong work ethic

right there man you got to put in some serious work

you know that’s a

that’s that’s pretty impressive man that’s a dude who’s

dedicated to comedy do you find yourself

always being able to come up with some

man sometimes i go like a

month without writing anything i like and i’m like ah

yeah i start

going nuts i’m like dude you know what fixes that weed

weed fixes the shit out of that

you don’t smoke weed though i’m not i quit pretty much

drink you drink that you know what

you should if you look at we

when you stop drinking again

about like two months ago sam what’s your

after canada

except tripoli

threw in them towel son

what’s your addiction

right now what what addiction do you got

going on right now any

well i mean like smelling your finger

this is the way i

think you should look at pot when it comes to comedy

pot is like a

turbocharger for your imagination

ideas that you have normally they’ll become much more

expressive they go down different alleys

it’s an enhancer

for your mind people don’t

appreciate how much of an enhancer it is

because it’s

associated with silliness it’s associated with

losers who just

wanna sit on the

couch and eat

munchies and you know

it’s associated with a

bunch of dumb lazy shit

but the reality is that the

effect of marijuana is fucking magical

there’s so much to it there’s so much

creatively that

happens to you when you’re writing and you get high

these ideas just come flowing

three hundred

four hundred percent better

than when you’re sober and periods don’t recognize

that you gotta walk

you gotta treat it as

an entheogen

treat it as something that’s helping to enlighten

you treated as

something that you’re

gonna use as a tool is you just

wanna get fucked up and party

yeah that’s the fine line because if you’re a guy who

doesn’t have the best

self control

and that’s what most

comics are most of us are fucking crazy

yeah the reason why we do comedy in the

first place

cause we really couldn’t do anything else

otherwise we

would have done something else

cause the beginning it’s so fucking hard

and no one thinks they’re

gonna make it

you literally have to have almost no options well

then the guys who do have options tend to go to

those options yes

exactly and

even if you do have

those options man it’s like a comic is

gonna blow shit off there’s just no way around that

right yeah i mean this the only way we got to be

where we’re at

you have to be fucking just

above rapper yeah you got to be at

least fucked up

pornstars are like rappers i mean

they’re so hard to wrangle bro you

gotta just what

the fuck was my original thought

your thought is smoking weed enhances

everything especially

music exactly

what i think you

should do is just if

you want to try it at all if you want to do it at all

treat it as if

you’re going to go through an

experience don’t

treat it as if you’re

going to get fucked up and party

that’s how i do it

when i write i

treat it as if

i’m ready to

experience something i’m

gonna go deeper into my mind

i don’t say i’m just

gonna get fucked up and i’m

gonna do some writing man

no i say all

right i’m getting ready to

write here i got

these ideas

now i’m gonna

get in touch

with the spirit

world yeah man just

think of it as a fucking tool

dude if it didn’t

exist okay and

if it wasn’t illegal and it didn’t have all these

things attached to it

you would think that shit is

magic it makes fucking way better

it makes food

taste better it makes you nicer

and it makes you way funnier

way more creative way more honest

like your shit resonates more when you’re high

i don’t think i can perform high dude my head just you

could try i

think some people are just

they’re wired different because i

understand being too stumping on stage

because i don’t

think when i’m

stoned i think

about something and i obsess

about something and

ideas and stuff

but i can’t actually like my my

okay i know

what you’re saying but the reason why you don’t

think that going on

stage stone

would be fun is because

going on stage is not a comfortable part of your

everyday life

it’s like you know how you can sit and edit stoned

you know and you get high

and then it makes you more creative and it’s more fun

well i don’t like talking to people usually when i’m

stone like if i get

stoned and talk to my mom it’s gonna be

worse than if i it was

i know what

you mean totally but for me what it is is just an

experience thing it’s just

like you got to get comfortable with the experience

and when you’ve been doing comedy

for like i’ve been doing it in 22 years almost damn

yeah it’ll be

22 years in august that’s a long ass time man

when you’re doing it

for that long it really does become just like another

thing you do in life it

doesn’t freak you out

so when you get high it’s like you just

tune into that

thing better it’s like you can just fucking

connect to it better

now joe when did you

start smoking weed because i

think when i

first mentioned you you

weren’t as a weed smoker no not at all

as a matter of fact i thought it was for losers

and what made that change i

tried it you know

eddie bravo was the dude who turned me on to it because

eddie and i

we met at jiu

jitsu and we were

going out to

lunch and we were talking

about some shit and he’s a

smart dude i was like we had

really similar philosophies on a lot of different

things you know

on politics and on the way the

world works and

how strange

everything is like a very curious

very similar

point of view to mine

but he would talk

about getting

high all the time and doing you know making his

music and shit

i was like how the fuck is that good for you man

i was like pun

just makes you fucking lazy like that’s what i thought

he’s like no no that’s all propaganda

it’s all if you don’t know what you’re doing if you

smoke the wrong kind of weed if you

smoke too much if you do it when you’re

drunk you know you associate all

these negative

things with it just try it

so i said alright fuck it come on let’s try it

and from that day from that day getting high

i realized i’m like whoa this is

crazy here is this

there’s a plant

that gives you

an altered state of consciousness that actually makes

things seem more

you’re more sensitive to things

and it makes you more

aware it feels like some weird

like intelligence enhancer

it feels like it makes you

dopey in the fact that sometimes you get so obsessed

with one idea you can’t like multitask at the same time

how to fucking

you know how to

spell someone’s name in your phone or

you can get some

weird shit you forget what you were talking about

because there’s just so much

going on it’s such a flood

and it’s just

the key to the

experience to

using it is to

learning how to relax

and learning

how to get rid of all the shit that makes you paranoid

because when dudes get paranoid when you

freak out about shit

you should be

freaking out

about that whatever the fuck it is you’re

freaking out

about when you get high

that is something that

you’ve put in the back of your head and you’re avoiding

and it’s an

issue that you need to resolve

and once you do resolve

those issues once

you don’t have anything fucking with your head once you

come to terms with who you are in this life and try to

put out good energy and you feel comfortable with it

then you can ride that bitch

then when you get high you can fucking

tune into it all

so you can get really high

and not be paranoid and instead of being paranoid

you learn how to

let go and tune into some sort of

a higher state of

truth than what you’re normally able to experience

you can see things

in a perspective that

doesn’t seem to be available to you in the sober state

as much as you

meditate as much as you try to release

even if i’m in an isolation tank there’s something

about there’s a

connection that

plant gives you to something else

and i think we just

we have it categorized as something that’s like

silly and we have

it categorized as something you know man we fucking

smoke weed we

watch this movie it was awesome

which is totally true too you can do that

especially if you

smoke like couch weed

but you can also

smoke weed and figure out the universe

i mean carl

sagan used to

smoke weed every day

yeah i think

that’s why it is i

think the propaganda that went

along with the people who didn’t want you

thinking like that you know to a point

with reefer madness and all that

stuff it’s like

when you get high or you do shrooms and all that

stuff you start seeing

things differently

yeah and you know people go fucking rogan and

his bullshit pot propaganda like what are you talking

about bro you’re getting

brain damaged

you’re fucking

you’re losing your mind

you know the people who say that all of them don’t

smoke weed the

dudes are smoking weed

they don’t give a fuck

do whatever

you want people that bash iphones

cause they don’t have iphones or

apple somebody put a thread up on the

underground the other day

tom law or filthy tom law or the fighter

said why should i

tell me why i

should buy a mac and you know people like you

if you’re gay

okay it’s all

these dudes like get fucking

upset at max

you know so

weird there’s

so many retards out there bro there’s so many retards

and all of them

just need they needed to

be raised better all of them all of them were raised by

other retards

and it’s just a

cycle we got

thin the heard

you know what we

gotta do we

gotta figure out a way to fucking make people

like develop and grow

and evolve and

catch the fuck up

cause these dumbasses

having kids

these people that are just

their life is a fucking holy

wreck and their relationships are filled with

fucking yelling and

screaming and

chaos and all sorts of


bullshit and drugs and alcoholism and hate and anger

these kids grow up in that and then they’re fucked

you know they grow up in that

they get poor programming when they’re

young so they

never figure out how to really see the

world in a healthy

and loving way

you know they’re always needy they’re always

angry there’s always

negative like that’s how they’re fucking programmed

and they’re

gonna program kids just like them

unless something snaps them out of it whether they

get addicted to

meditation and

become a monk or get into martial arts or

learn how to do a fucking

sport where you can get out of

where the fuck you’re at

you know and and figure things out for yourself

but you need to like really fucking rethink your

whole world when you’re raised like that

for most people that’s so fucking hard

in the middle of nowhere

i think people are just

like they’re just slowly dying it’s just like

the go out there and learn about all the

stuff takes effort and i so much effort

people don’t want to do that they don’t it’s

too lazy and they want you to think the way they’re

they want you to

think the way they’re

thinking that’s what they want that’s what

being a right wing person is all about that’s what

people who are nationalism

or internationalism that’s what it’s all

about it’s all about you

thinking like we’re all part of this one thing

think like me

the fuck just stop

stop with your

this is the christian nation

was built on christian

values yeah it’s so

and one of their idols

crashes and burn instead being like well maybe

we don’t have we don’t see it right

they’re like oh

fuck him get rid of him and new guys pops up everybody

saying they see it

right is crazy

anybody you can’t

we have to talk this fucking thing out

you can’t say

you have the answers there’s too many questions

it’s impossible it’s too tricky

you never have

crossed over and come back

most of them have

never even had alternate



experiences that they can add to

their model of the

world you know there’s altered

states it could be achieved by fucking

plants on this

that are growing

here on this planet now if there really was a god

do you think you

would just leave

things like that there i mean

if there was

really it was a god and he had a plan

if you think that then you really

should believe in


because they’re

there for a fucking reason god’s not just

gonna put some shit

that makes you have

these beautiful loving positive

incredibly mind expanding


that’s just a dumb coincidence

you know that’s

just a dumb coincidence that that grows on cow shit

like if you’re religious

you should be into



and if you’re into


experiences the

first thing you’re

gonna say is no one knows

you can’t know

there’s no fucking way there’s no answers

we all have to try to

figure out what’s the best

model of behavior for this life

what’s the best way we can get by

with the most positive energy

cause we don’t know what the fuck you believe in karma

yes it’s real

fuck yeah fuck i do i totally believe it’s maybe not


it could be like

it might not have

today tomorrow

a year from now but it will come back yes

here’s my take on

karma i don’t even

think i think even the way we

think of karma we

think of it

selfishly that we

think you know i don’t want to do bad

things because i want

you know good

things come back to me so i’m

gonna do good

things so the good

things come back to me

you know i mean

even the term

karma like the way people use it up that’s karma

see what happened to him karma

it’s almost like

self justifying

you know i think

the way to look at it is

that you and this is all shit that

i decided on

after i had dmt trips

is that i think all the energy that you put out

it’s sort of your choice

it’s sort of your choice

to be positive

and when you’re positive

positive will

resonate more positive

you put yourself in a

group of people you put yourself in

a think group

that are all like that when you’re positive

and you’re like a friendly loving person

you’re gonna

naturally have that kind of behavior from your friends

they’re gonna

feel like they can be that way with you and that’s

gonna ripple out

and so all the people that are

going to be in your circle

after a while are all

going to be like loving positive cool people

and that’s possible man we can all do that we

literally can all do that

it’s just hard to do

you know it’s hard it’s hard to find cool

people it’s hard to find you know people that you can

you know you

can open up with you be cool with it you you know

get to a point in your life where you

you know can

can like you want them to be

successful you want them to be

happy you want

great things for them like

literally want that for them as much as you

would want it for you

you know instead of

thinking of

karma as like

you know you do good

things so do

good things come back to you it’s more to me like

your energy

we’re all energy

and when you you resonate positive energy

and when you push forth positive energy

it’s fucking hippie

and crystals and

you know and yoga beads as that

sounds i really

think that shit is how the universe works

i think if you’re

a negative cunt negative fucked up shits

gonna happen

one hundred percent it’s supposed to

you know and i

think a lot

of the times when we have negative content in our life

it’s almost like

our life is a mathematical problem

and some things

will come up in your life male female whatever job

boss whatever the fuck it is

there’s things that come up in your life that are

absolutely negative

and it’s your job to figure

out how the fuck to get past this part of the game

it’s that simple i

agree you don’t just say

oh my fucking job sucks

my boss is a douche so

i’m getting fucking

ulcers because my

boss is fucking always on my ass i’m always nervous no

this is an intelligence test

okay you’ve reached a problem yet it

might be very difficult

to solve this problem you

might have children you

might have you know

obligations that you have to

think so this problem

might take you a couple years to

solve but it’s your fucking job to

solve this problem douchebag

it’s not your

job to go to the doctor and take a fucking pill

that makes you loopy and then you do

cocaine one night and

shoot up a fucking

movie theater

you know what i’m saying

i mean get your shit together son

get your fucking shit together this life

is a test it’s all like

little things that you come across in your life you’re

gonna fail you’re

gonna have mistakes

but that’s all

good that’s what they’re supposed to be there for

everything’s energy man yeah i mean it

sounds totally

ridiculous tubes and tunnels

that’s what i believe man i believe it’s all

what’s tubes and tunnels

that’s just you know

everything like

tron yeah tron

you guys see

you see toy story 3d

yeah the dope i

loved it i hear it’s awesome that is probably the best

movie ever to get as stoned as

closest to like i’m having a

heart attack

get that stoned

go see toy story 3

it’s fucking

crazy i just i don’t you

might not i love animated

movies really well like up

did you like up

dude it was better than up and

that’s saying a lot because i love

how great was up when you’re baked

dude you’re

gonna love this i saw the

incredibles high

it was so good

yeah it was

magical avatar high is the best

movie in the world

you know what i i’m waiting for it to come out

on blu ray like a better blu ray

version so i’ve

seen blu ray

yeah because they you

haven’t seen it

no i’ve seen it

i’ve seen it

right i’ve seen it but no they released

a stripped down blu ray

and then they’re

gonna release

like an extended version blu ray like in a couple

months and so i’m like waiting

i’m not gonna just go buy this look

at you use frugal shopper

well i don’t

wanna buy three versions of avatar

what do you think

about him not winning the oscar

who gives a fuck man really

these are goofy

jokes the the idea that you you fucking you have

awards you give to art

who who the fuck is who to say who what is good

the shit that people like that i hate

you know there’s

women that thought sex in

the city too is the

greatest movie in the history of the world

you know what i have liked it probably not did you

watch kimmel last night

no dude they ran out of

power and they

oh that’s what was

going on they

all right so anyways i

think i looked at it and i’m like that’s

completely the

marketing that’s

completely like a good idea to advertise

the green hornet

trailer that they

premiered and

stuff like that

because it was

weird because

we don’t have

power for the cameras

but yet then they’re in a room

where the tvs are on and the

lights are on i’m like

well i mean

what kind of camera

does not just plug into a wall i

guess not right well we can find out

we can find out but

it was genius

it was john barriss

will tell us

don was on it last

night he was taking the laptop and showing like all

right don well

they’re calling don

barriss right now do not release this information

but what’s weird is that

i bet that got so much ratings because of that

you know that little gimmick and

stuff like that

the whole show was like

watching this you

stream on tv

and it’s brilliant because what if it was it to

stream what was it

he was doing it in

photo booth

or whatever the mac

basic mac program that comes with it photo

it’s totally scam

but it has to be a scam

i don’t know cause

half of you wants to go no

i could see this actually you

know what i did

on television

yeah yeah and so the

whole episode was filmed like with a shitty webcam

on his macbook

and i’m like wait what if that becomes popular we

start going backwards with our hdtvs we’re now

watching you

stream shitty videos

you know what i didn’t mind it i mean i only watched it

for a couple

minutes the

sound is what got it was on when i was

i was watching a

fight and i shut it off and i was getting

ready to go to bed

and when i shut the

fight off the regular tv came on the

fight was on the dvr right

and then it was on and i was like what the fuck is

going on here

but it made me tune in because i was like yeah

yeah yeah exactly

it worked it worked how

often going

backwards how

often you actually

watch talk shows do you

watch talk shows not that much no

i teevo i like

wait for the youtube clips

cause if letterman says something really hilarious

it’s gonna be in a youtube clip i mean

i don’t have an hour and a half i

t bow them all

and then if somebody says hey did you

watch the lino or whatever and i’m like oh

watch that then

right i giggle out at that time too

cause i go up late

yeah yeah you know

what’s weird is being friends with all you comics

because all of you

can’t do anything

except go to comedy clubs

every night

you pretty much

write off your life

at a comedy club

every single night

cause like i was

going through some

tough times recently i’m like

hey who can i call

no i don’t wanna see your show i’ve already seen it

hey how you doing oh no i don’t

wanna go see your show i

like you guys

never stop like

hey come to my show come to my show and it

never stops

i’ll do that

maybe you’re just an

awesome audience

member people

want to hang

out with you

bring your camera brian

no what the real problem is

brian is that they have to go up i know that’s

the only way you can hang out how do

you guys devote

so much of your life though to

cause like i’m not

like every night

especially weekends you have to work man

i mean if you want to be a

comic you gotta work that’s the

way it works yeah you

you’re a writer you’re a producer you’re the director

you know if you’re putting out a shit product

could directly affect

you know reflects on you

right you gotta be careful

you gotta work at it you know and

stand up comedy

man if i take a couple of weeks off i feel

rusty yeah i’ve

been doing it 22 fucking years

and i take a couple

weeks off and i’m like ooh i’m a little rusty here

i’m not feeling this

right then yeah

i was i was in australia even

though i was gigging out there and i came back and i

did a store set and i got heckled

right out the gate and it

went bad fast dude it was like those

store heckles are dark bro

there’s something

about heckling in the

store that leads much

quicker to violence and

anger and like real tension

i’ve never had people

throw shit at me but i’ve had two people

throw things at me at the store

yeah it’s so

weird man and the

bouncers are all emo fucks

look at their comments

and fucking

death cab for

cutie or something

like yeah there’s some big fuck in the in the original

room and he’s yelling at somebody like remember when

holzman got

knocked out

oh remember that

martian lawrence’s

bodyguard knocked out holtzman

yeah martin lawrence was fucked up in the audience

recycled holtzman

i don’t know if he was fucked up i might have

added that part to it but anyway that’s a big

night for him though like

icm was down all the people from

icm would come down to see him to see

holtzman yeah so they saw him get knocked out

saw all the crazy

oh lawrence might have just changed this

whole career path like no you’re not

going to become a movie star bam yeah

what about that

what changed holzman’s career path well i mean what if

those guys were like dude we love this comic

they said they were like did he just got knocked out

yeah maybe i don’t know you know

holzman was the type of guy that would kill

kill comedians he would kill us

but with a lot of people they didn’t see it as a goof

and they thought

it was just he was just this really douchey

angry man yeah

and see how

funny it was the mean fucked up shit that he was saying

without that character

now the comedy store

doesn’t work it doesn’t

the comedy store

is such a dark evil fucking place

for people that don’t know the comedy

store used to be

zeros nightclub

and bugsy seagull ran that

place in the 50s or the 40s

where the fuck it was what was that i

think the 40s 40s

bugsy seagal

apparently had a

bunch of people murdered

yeah yeah see

yeah shane and

apparently you know everybody that works there has

these creepy fucking horror stories

you know they all talk about

ghosts and shit but

that said almost everybody that works there is

crazy and does drugs yes so

you know with a

grain of salt my friends you know i always

found funny

about ghosts man is like i don’t know if you ever

watch them paranormal

you know and they’ll show

up and they’ll interview the person and they’ll be like

you know and then fire came out of the walls and

blood was everywhere and then they’ll do like dead

time and it’s like they won’t see that curtain move

yeah that’s bullshit it’s all

night vision

in a basement

what’s that

noise that’s

every show yeah nobody ever gets the editing

ghosts on video

all you have to do is fucking go to a cemetery

like midnight

on halloween and just

go find somebody that’s murdered

wife or something like that and

start making fun of her you know

and just like

watch nothing will happen well

no ghost has ever killed anybody man you know

now do you do you

like i was always thought that like

ghost maybe were like

it’s all energy man and

maybe energy gets lost in some kind of

well transfer

if you look at

our existence on this planet

as we’re in a

frequency you

know and this is i mean if you

i don’t understand

how this works but quantum physicists believe

that there are 11 dimensions that’s the current model

of reality 11 different dimensions obviously we can’t

tune in or see

those 11 different dimensions

and if we from what we know like

about like radio waves

think about like

radio waves think

about how you know 971 is loud and clear

and all you have to do is turn that dial

and you’re on 1079 totally different

music loud and clear

it’s like there are

frequencies very specific


if that exists with something as intangible as

radio waves

how do we not assume that that

doesn’t work with reality as well maybe

maybe you know there’s

maybe there’s so many different

things that are

tuned in around us all the time they’re just

on a frequency

that we can’t detect and it

doesn’t interact with this frequency

but all this shit is

going on together and one big

just fucking

crazy cosmic soup

you know if that’s the case

shit anything’s possible man there

could be ghosts there

could be i mean what a ghost

could be is somehow or another the energy of the

experience of what happened

to them when they got murdered or something like that

you know cause it’s always like

horror stories

always it’s not

the guy had an awesome life and now he’s a

ghost it’s you

know someone got

fucking brutally

raped and murdered and then they roamed that

house maybe that

experience maybe the spiritual

horror and shock and terror is so powerful

that it actually

leaves like

you know when your monitor

gets frozen on a screen

and then it like stays on that image

there’s like the

ghost of that

image in the background

right you know what i mean

cause it got

just too much energy from that one position

it got locked into that one pattern

and so the the old

especially those old shitty

screens you

would eat art burn in you

would burn in an

image yep it’s very possible that an

image of someone

dying in an extremely

horrible way is actually burned into the world

but that said

i think most of us people are

completely fucking full of shit and they’re just

dumb they’re just in basements

fucking goggles on

why is it always gay guys and fat chicks

and shit you

know the same people that

would be into like goth music it’s

it’s the springer

breed it’s the cheater

breed it’s all

those shows it’s the same

breed you know

that’s a breed of human

well there’s

always people that are looking for something mysterious

you know that’s why i love

monster quest i got a little bit of that in myself

that like getting into like

fucking secret shit like dude you

think sasquatch is real

i mean i’ve gone so far as like read i’ve

probably read a

dozen books on sasquatch that’s how

stupid there’s no way it’s real

that might be but this is why it might be

there’s an animal called gigantopithicus that

lived in asia

and that animal

lived exactly

where the same

asians who came across the bering

strait and came

to american eventually became the native americans

that they came from the same place

so if this animal this big gigantic

eight foot tall biped

primate that actually lived

if that was in

north america if it came across the bearing

street with the people who’s to say it didn’t

that could live in the pacific

northwest like it

could actually

have seen it

by now no we would have

let me tell you something from living in the mountains

and from talking to people that live in the mountains

there’s so many mountain lions there’s so many bear

there’s so many

fucking animals out there and you rarely see them and

the thing is when you do see them you see live ones you

never find a dead one

it’s very rare

because the forest eats the fucking animals

and if you’re in a

place like the pacific northwest

if you fly over that area it’s so dense

like you don’t realize how vast the forest is

until you fly over there it’s

basically a rainforest

the pacific

northwest is incredibly

dense woods

where nobody goes

how about loch

ness i mean it’s all

stupid who cares

there’s fucking killer

whales in the

ocean they’re real they’re

super intelligent

they speak in dialects they save people

the only time they murder people is in captivity

those are real

things that are

fast killer

whales save people save people

yeah no killer was

killed but why do you

don’t care about the set

or the loch ness

monster just

wrote that off that

quickly fish it

doesn’t do shit so

this this guy

might just be a person that’s all guy that lives in

i’m not totally sold on bigfoot

i’m not sold i’m not saying i see a lot

on the exact same

level of bullshit you know i

feel like we would have

found them but

it’s possible that with the loch ness

monsters they think it might be a plyceace

or that somehow know

they got land locked but there’s not enough evidence

they’ve looked really hard they’ve done sonar

searches of the entire

ocean floor

or the entire lock

floor see it’s not like the woods

in oregon or something like that

where you really can’t get in there

it’s not like that

it’s just one specific body of water

so they can do a pretty thorough

job of looking

inside for anything big that swims

and if there’s a fucking

thing that’s been around

for a long time chances are there’s a family of them

you’d spot a few of them and they’re not spotting shit

they don’t find anything man

even though they get a blip

it’s probably a fucking

turtle farts or something like that

but it doesn’t interest me because it

doesn’t do anything

the primate

thing interests me because

the idea that this

thing could be

super intelligent

just like chimps and

avoid people you know

the congo okay

there’s an animal in the congo that

they’ve just recently discovered like recently being

they confirmed it in the

1990s it’s called the bondo ape

or the billy ape

and what this is is a gigantic chimpanzee

they’re much bigger than regular chimpanzees

like six feet tall

and they stand upright

and they have gray hair a lot of them have gray hair

and they fucking

sleep on the ground like gorillas

they don’t give a fuck nothing fucks with them

and there’s two types of chimps that the

the people that live in that that part of the jungle

they they call them

the regular ones are tree beaters

and lion killers

there’s tree beaters and line killers

and these guys were recently

in the congo filming this fucking

thing this is a bona

fide absolute real animal

they have dna

they have photographs they have

video they have

bones they have fur

samples they have all

these different

things that show that it’s some sort of a

some sort of a new species of chimpanzee

wow and it’s fucking living in the congo

they know where it is they know

where it is right now

but they didn’t fucking know

about this until

this wasn’t confirmed

until like the 90s like 94 i think

was when they all came to a consensus and said

hey this is a real animal we have a

giant chimp that

sleeps on the fucking ground

they have video of one eating a

jaguar okay

these fucking guys

came upon it and it was eating a jaguar

they don’t know if it killed the

jaguar or not but the

locals say they do

but what the fuck man

what the fuck

that’s a real

animal that’s a real animal that lives in the congo

it’s very possible that there

could be some super high

high intelligence

level primate that

survived just with a couple hundred of them in a very

small part of the woods

and they have amazing hearing and amazing

sense of smell

and they just

avoid humans because it’s too difficult to get to them

so they stayed tightly packed in

there’s plenty of fucking food if they’re vegetarians

in which they probably are

otherwise they

would be eaten people

you know yeah

sure right if they were

predators at all they

would be in people

and then we

would hear crazy stories

about them eating people

but everybody that sees them nobody gets

eaten in the middle of the

night nobody gets

their tent pulled

apart so most likely they like gorillas

gorillas are


too so they’re probably just a big fucking vegetarian

animal that lives in the woods it

doesn’t mean that exist

but it’s fucking possible

what was the animal that they thought

was the mermaid

and you’re like

how lonely were you when you thought that

this fucking

beast was a woman oh

what was that

i saw it in australia i can’t remember

the name of it i don’t even know it’s not a manatee

no it’s not manatee what is it

damn it i don’t know google

google that shit son

i don’t i’ve

never even heard this i have for

yeah it’s uh

there’s an actual animal that

they basically thought we’re mermaids like

those guys are

so desperate out there they’re looking for

chicks wherever they can find it

dude could you imagine

i mean look

we live in hollywood and i’m willing to fuck a rubber

pussy imagine how

horny those dudes be when the

brown boats for like six

months first time you fucked

pussy were you like i don’t know

about the rubber one you one you mean

the do you mean the

flashlight yeah

no i have no shame

just stuck on my dick and

squirt inside

it and that was it i was like wow i was pretty good

good dude you bust a

strong nut it was a manatee

strong is that a manatee yeah

i know it was a different name though i’ll find it out

yeah that’s how her

no it’s a different name

you sure yeah it’s not a manatee

sam tripoli

making shit up

caught them

ladies and gentlemen no way man

google that shit

what kind of

goes saying manatees

what kind of balls

those guys have to have that

lived in like

fucking england the one get on boats and go across the

ocean think

about that shit son look at a map

look at where the fucking continents are and

think about how fucking

crazy would have to be

to take a boat fill it up with enough food

to hopefully make it to the other side

yes you had to do

you wanna stuff that

bitch with food and ration

that shit off

and people would die

cause they didn’t get enough vitamin

c they get fucking scurvy and they’d rot away yeah it’s

crazy man and they just

throw them in the

water man do you hear about the

the pirate cook

no did you read that no

it was on the huffington post one of

these smiling pirate cooks

turned on all his

crew and he gave

all the hostages guns

well he’s feeding them

because you know they were getting abused

he was feeding them

and they started hearing the pirates talk

about harvesting

their organs

so he got them all like

guns and they

they attacked and killed all the pirates

now here’s what’s crazy is

no country will accept this pirate

they won’t accept them

so this guy who ratted

out his friends and gave them

the guns they won’t accept him well you say ratted or

saved some people

either one yeah well he just decided it was too much

yeah maybe he didn’t like them

maybe they were douchebags

maybe he’s a douchebag to the bro

you know and that

they were just douchebags as well they didn’t get along

you know it

might not be a

good guy bad guy situation well i did

save some people who are hostages

sure he did

but maybe because he hated

those other dudes this


already given

me not enough money

this motherfucker

showed them i flick

when you come back for the food

i give you gun

i give you gun you hide

the gun i like to

have a small

um pirate living

with me you don’t need a

pit bull or

alarm system yeah but

maybe he decides to kill you

fuck your girlfriend yeah

maybe duct tapes a pistol

inside your

mouth like fucks your

woman how about that

crazy shit dude that guy’s

living wild son that has a fucking pirate and pisses

all over the seat i bet

you know never

flushes yeah you a fuck you clean it

i’m not clean

you clean it

and that’s the whole

sound shribbly

clean my cock

clean my cock you

think i fuck with you now

you have to

clean his dick

he pisses and he makes you

clean his dick

you’ll be a cockhole

have a somali pilot

in your house

that’s like living with a wild man bro

they’re wild bro they don’t have any future

you live in somalia like what’s the future

they don’t give a fuck they’re

ready to die

you know they don’t give a fuck dude

they’re out jacking

ships they’re getting on

little row boats with machine guns and rocket launchers

and they’re

climbing on

board big giant

ships and jack and everybody

they are fucking loksters man

well that’s what they say about

terrorists who blow

themselves up it’s not really religion it’s more about

they just have nothing

going on there

there’s this book called

why do beautiful people have more

daughters it’s

an it’s about

evolutionary psychology

and they talk

about that it’s not really religion it’s more

about that these

i feel yeah

they have they have no chance to make

money and they have no chance of

meeting a woman

because they’re

so broken like all the rich guys get all the chicks

so it’s like

that’s why they get promised like hey you get all

these virgins and you get all this

stuff those are also the people

that you can get to doing something because they just

want to belong they want to be special they want to be

treated like they’re special

and you know when they’re getting someone

to become a suicide bomber if you ever look at like

the there’s a special

i don’t remember what show was on but they were in

somewhere in

the middle east and they had this

school and on the

school they had these

photographs of

these people that have

blown themselves

up and with all this religious writing on it

and there was a big sign

above the school that says

today’s children

are tomorrow’s holy martyrs

i’m like god damn

the attention that they give to

those children they make them out to be

heroes they make them out to be special that

so many people want people’s love and affection and

they want to be special so badly

they’re willing to do almost anything

yeah it’s crazy man

it’s like don’t you wish you go back in time and just

rewrite some of the religious books

take out all the asshole

you know it’s

like throughout time people have always bullshitted

other people to

control them i mean it’s so simple it’s so obvious it’s

existed forever what’s amazing though

is that the bullshit that worked like 2 000 years ago

still works

today just because it’s written you know

this is what it is

i mean it’s like

you know when you really get into it and you start

the reading about

women being treated as

second class

citizens condoning slavery condoning murder

all the crazy shit

that’s in religious texts

all the nutty shit

that people

still suck on it

2 000 years

later 3 000

years later

i always thought that religion was more like

just like early

science like people trying to explain just laying down

the law man it’s laying down the law and laying it down

who’s to stay i listen to you

because if you don’t god

strike you down

that’s what it is it’s like you

gotta keep dummies in line with crazy talk

and that crazy talk

spread and it became a good

way to keep social

order intact

keep people you know in

small towns man go to the church

everybody’s all

happy and friendly

and it makes everybody together you know

but if you look at like all

these people that are doing fucked up

things in the world you

know whether they’re suicide bombers or somali pirates

they come from somewhere that fucking sucks

and that’s what it all boils down to

their life fucking sucks

those somali pirates do you know the whole

story behind that why they became pirates

dude they call

themselves the people what do they call themselves

the volunteer

coast guard of somalia

that’s what they call themselves

and what happened was

european ships and

companies and i believe some americans too

were dumping

waste into their waters

and fucking up

their fishing man and

they found out

about this because

their fish were dying

and what they did

was kidnap a boat

that was illegally

trespassing through

their waters

and they demanded

a ransom because this was one of the boats that was

polluting their waters

and these guys

were fishermen man they were fishermen that had

their livelihoods fucked up and

taken away from them

so they turned to

crime and they started

jacking people because they got so much from the

first boat they just turned it into a business

and now they just jack people constantly

dudes are getting jacked all the time man

there are hundreds of

miles out to sea

just looking for people man

what do you

think about

the 16 year old girl that’s my

whole point

about saying her around the

world it’s like oh my god man when you

leave america

it’s a whole different game to women 16

year old girls parents are so foolish

that’s so foolish

there’s one

thing to let some

experience something

there’s another

thing to put someone out in the wild just to

get a what are you

gonna get a

rush out of the fact that you made it across

you did something that

could kill you

what other benefit is it

and then where

to go so difficult

and you did it

she’s amazing

she did something

you did something that i can do in a

plane stupid i

can get in a

plane and i

could be across that

ocean in 10 hours

why the fuck would you

spend five weeks

in a sailboat that’s retarded

that’s not a

smart way to approach

because that’s a hell of a facebook

status that’s why you know that’s all she’s

thinking about is like dude oh my god i’m totally

gonna do it it’s

gonna be so cool

and where do you go from there i mean you’re 16

keep going sail around the

world what do you do next

fucking guys over

i sailed around the

world whatever

you want to get with this well

she wants to get with this

she wants you to

treat her as

she’s special she’s doing something special

people are crazy

they’re nuts it’s a

crazy fucking i got a

fried chicken san

diego over that

she’s like would you send

a 16 year old boy i’m like before a 16 year old girl

yes i would

send a 16 year old boy before a 16 year old girl but i

wouldn’t send a 16 year old

boy me neither

but if a boy that i love my boy that i raised

i’m gonna put him in harm’s way

i would tell him listen man i don’t

wanna be alone

in the woods

if you wanna do something scary

let’s get you involved in some competition okay

you wanna fucking

wrestle in high school you

wanna do some boxing some kickboxing or something

crazy you wanna

fight some mma

fights you wanna do something

crazy let’s do something that we can control

you know i’m

gonna put you

in the fucking ocean

that’s nuts

all right i

understand the

rising above

like accomplishing

crazy things

doing things that appear to be impossible

they give you more of an


of yourself they don’t just give you this rush

they give you an


of what you’re capable of they give you more

confidence they give you more

you get a sense of what you’re capable of performing

what you’re capable of doing

under pressure

makes you more

there’s a quote that i read once

about taekwondo

fighting and competing in taekwondo

it elevates your

human potential you know

it gives you

you have more

potential because you’ve already experienced

harder more difficult

things that’s all well and good i

understand that

but fucking putting yourself in the ocean

and putting yourself in a position

where look there

could be some

shit happen to you that you have no way of escaping

there’s no way getting it out

you’re gonna get a nice thrill

because you’re

gonna put your life in danger

but the reality is

you’re just getting from one

place to another

that’s all you’re doing yep you’re doing it old

school you’re just getting from one

place to another old

school yeah

that’s all you’re doing

you know it’s so

stupid it’s like

if someone chose to walk across

america and they starve to

death along the way

should we feel bad for them

what the fuck are you doing

what is southwest in new york it’s like fucking 300

bucks i mean come on man really you’re

gonna walk across the country

completely agree with you

fucking asshole this is

crazy parents

i mean you gotta push your kids to a

point you have to push your kids

you know people don’t

push your kids

well i mean you

gotta like i

think you give them some discipline

but you teach them that with risk and with work

become satisfaction you get to achieve something

and that’s satisfying and it makes you

understand and

appreciate yourself better

makes you understand people better

makes you function better

it’s like lifting weights

you lift weights

you get stronger

okay you get

stronger you can pick

things up easier it’s that simple

when life you take on difficult tasks

you take on

difficult things that

cause you to think

cause your mind to spin

cause you to

react quickly

cause you to make good choices

that elevates your

human potential

it’s really that simple

nope i agree people that don’t do shit man oh your

phone motherfucker

my that shit

course it is you got it on your laptop i saw you

but we all have mics

yeah but your shit is

on your computer you don’t

still hear it that’s a phantom sound son

phantom phantom

speaking of

phones tomorrow iphone

have you guys been

watching looking at

the reviews

the reviews are

yeah 4g i’m scared

the reviews are fucking amazing man

i’m thinking at amp

t’s service is

going to hit an all time shitty low

hopefully not but you know one of the cool

things that all the reviews are saying is how

great the video calling works

and like it’s just perfect like

it works you got

video you could

switch from

front to back cam so like if you’re talking to me

and you go oh my god look this guy he’s

doing this you know and it will

switch to the

front of the camera

apple is the future it is

just crazy they’re masters at marketing

their masters are getting people

excited about

their products yeah

well i am i mean

the phones what

what else do you use most

every day so

are you gonna buy the

first one you know not to buy the

first one what are you

talking about

the fourth one

yeah i mean you’re

gonna buy like

right out the gate and then two weeks

later it’s gonna be like half

price by that

logic you should

never buy anything

just wait the iphones don’t

silly the iphones don’t change

price at all

like throughout the

whole year it’s usually almost exactly so what was that

whole thing that they went

crazy about

i think yeah it was the iphone

where like all

these guys wait

in line they bought it for like a gazillion dollars

the first iphone i

think the first iphone

later it was half

price they flipped out yeah when it

first came out

for the price

when the first iphone came out it was 100 more

and then they

dropped it 100 dollars and they

gave everyone 100 dollars back didn’t they recently

lower the price of the 3g

well they’re always doing that because they’re

still selling that they’re

still selling the second

generation wine

for like 49

bucks or something like that shazam son

no but don’t you

gotta get the new shit yeah you

got this things

this is a new shit

i just wait

till it drops a

little sam trip

frugal shopper

yeah i’m pablo

escobar son i

gotta i gotta

sell you a super vhs

speaking of frugal

shoppers did you guys hear

about that fucking federal

judge that blocked the

obama oh yeah

to put a moratorium

he was trying to put a moratorium on offshore drilling

so uh this federal

judge drops it you know

he won’t he

blocks the moratorium

and everybody’s

like what the fuck who’s this guy this guy’s

crazy the obama

says he wants to stop oil

drilling there’s a

giant fucking hole

where oil’s leaking out of the

ocean and we’re like hey

we might have a fucking problem here we

gotta make sure this doesn’t

have water dude

ruining the

ocean for hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of

miles anyway

turns out this federal

judge has stock

in the company

in transocean

he has stock in five different companies

that are involved in the oil

filling business wow

this motherfucker

can literally profit from

his own decisions how

crazy is that they

should not be allowed to do this they

should not be allowed to have money

exactly if that guy

if that guy was on the case they

should have said i

you know we see that you have stock

in this company that

could you know and your decisions

could adversely

affect you financially so

we’re gonna remove you from this case i mean

that’s what

that’s how it’s like with

everything though like if you like win a

prize wait are

you do you work for nbc or any if it’s affiliates

you know that’s how like

everything always is with everyone else

except the president

is not is voided for him

it’s so weird man how

these guys have this detach

they’re detached

from like just

humanity you

know what i’m saying

it’s just straight evil anybody

that would think that the oil business knows exactly

what they’re doing and that this couldn’t happen

again is crazy

just because it’s only happened a few times in history

doesn’t mean that

these things aren’t deteriorating at a

rapid pace and that

the ones that have been around for a long time

we don’t know how long they’re

gonna last i think

things happen

things fuck up

the whole there’s other

wells out there that are

built like this one yeah that’s what they say

the whole deregulation

thing it’s so

ridiculous the

market needs deregulation it’s like

it makes no sense

that’s like saying we

don’t need laws because we’ll just regulate each other

you know we get

crazy too and say like you know we need to

lower the price of

labor to compete we have to go to

china we have to go to

what the fuck are you talking we don’t

have to at all no you don’t have to at all you just

gotta stop being such

greedy cunts that’s it

yeah you’re

gonna get less profit

but you’re gonna get a fucking

what you’re

selling is a product that’s not made on people

people’s fucking souls

you know you’re

gonna sell a product that’s not

you know poor people that live in a fucking village in

china and then they have to like that

was it foxcon that we talk

about all the time yeah

it’s fucking

company that makes iphone parts and shit dude they got

people killing themselves left and

right over there

left and right

they’re literally shutting down all their

plants because

there’s so many suicides and there’s so much scandal

these people are working

like god knows how many

hours a day they’re living on the site you know

that’s what companies are doing man

companies are

going to people like that

that’s the iphone 2 by

the way walmart’s the

worst dude that company makes the iphone yeah i know

yeah or at least parts of the iphone

walmart’s the

worst yeah man because they go

they’re like

i don’t believe that

i don’t believe that hype at all

i think walmart does a lot

like you either can see the

point of yeah walmart

comes in and they

fucking don’t pay anything

but i also see a walmart’s fucking

striving for jobs and i like

going to these towns really disagree really

yeah it’s like

first of all what they do is

they they keep driving down the

price of everything so eventually

these people

who produce the goods they buy

are gonna have to almost go to

slave labor

i think it’s either or i don’t

think either

one of you guys is

right i think

they’re both right

but what walmart does is it comes in

to a community

and it basically has the lowest prices

right so puts mom and pop store mom

pops and all this stuff out

then do seems like a good idea and they don’t pay

a real good wage to work there to what go to walmart

that person makes six

bucks and all

the other jobs are gone you

gotta go work

but before that

before that there was no jobs that that didn’t

exist those

three hundred jobs

away a blacksmith goes out of business

right here but you know what the big

thing is that retails dead no matter what so walmart

could be doing

all they want to

but guess what walmart

ain’t as cheap as fucking amazon and amazon

and amazon is not is fucking growing like a

monster i buy

groceries now on amazon i’m buying coconut

water by the case you know i don’t even need to

a costco member

or any of that because they sell the same shit now

you don’t have to be a costco you

know they delivered to your

house they deliver

right to your

house and you

could put it on

schedule like i want this

every two weeks

you know automatically ship

going somewhere

and buying something helps your community

would you do that

to a point but i’m also not gonna pay

three hundred dollars more for a fucking tv you know

i’m like sorry

yeah fucking

think of what’s

next in your job career if you can’t sell this tv

cheaper than

this person

i’m not gonna buy it that’s what

simple here’s i don’t

think that people have an

obligation to be able to continue to sell you things

i think if something comes

along that can sell

things for much

cheaper and they’re the same quality

if it’s the same product

exactly i mean i’m

loyal to friends and

there’s a couple

businesses that i support that i know charge more

than they probably

should for things like our pot doctor

but i don’t care you know it’s just like i have

a sense of loyalty to them

i’ve got some discretionary income if you don’t man

300 bucks is a lot of fucking

money why would you pay three and

that was being

generous that’s

plus no tax

plus free ship

no i was in the

state palace

about that but

just can’t get

the kind of deals that walmart can you know

tough shit man

i think it’s either or

i can see both

points of view i see

brian’s point of view

where it helps communities

it brings in jobs and shit but i can see your

point of view that it’s like well you know

giving these people this mediocre life and they fucking

they don’t really

save jobs because they put some businesses under

it’s okay man it’s all just change

it’s just normal

you know there’s

no good or bad see some people just aren’t meant

to be doctors and lawyers and when you take away all

their opportunities to like

build stuff

and say what else is there to do is that true though

no you don’t you just have to offer a service that

other people aren’t offering

for less it’s not

you can’t just you have to figure it out you

have to figure it out

whatever you’re doing

if walmart can get it

cheaper you have to figure out either how you

could get it

cheap or i have a service

that walmart

doesn’t want to

attach also

my family’s been in this fucking business

for thirty fucking years

if you say it’s

okay for walmart to come into our fucking town

where we grew up

you don’t own the town you don’t own a

patch of dirt you don’t own

the right i

understand what

you’re saying

about that but

it goes back to like everybody’s like

capitalism and free

enterprise well

this isn’t what it was like 200 years ago

you know when

everything started to yeah

we’ll do 50

because it was

bomb and pops now you got like these

huge corporations like

when the supreme

court says that a huge corporation

is like an individual well they’re not

they got a gazillion billion dollars behind them it’s

you’re talking about for

campaign comp

contributions but instead

even in the

market though you’re like well

find a way to

sell for less than

walmart well you

never can because they buy in such huge

bulk yeah but that’s

not even it i was saying you either have to do that

or you have to find a

new service that walmart

doesn’t offer

like if you’re selling

phones i will

sell you the same

phone it’s going to be a little bit more but

guess what i’m

going to be coming

to you know

tech support giving you this i’m gonna

i’m gonna you know anytime you need get a new computer

bring it in

and i’ll fucking transfer all your contacts over

you know fucking walmart ain’t

gonna do that shit

you gotta change

with the times you gotta

you know what i mean these

stores that like i went in the

other day to like this

store and they i bought a webcam

just because the

one at best buy

they were sold out

so i just like all

right i’ll go to this little mom and pop


store and they had like

an old version of the webcam

it was busty

you know i’m like i’m just sitting here

going like this is an old product that

fuck it’s the same

price as the new product at best buy but

you know i didn’t want to even buy it because

they can’t even turn in a product

to where their shit they’re selling is

it’s not current shit

and so i’m like that’s a problem

it’s not walmart’s

fault it’s the

change of times it’s amazon it’s all this

and if you think you’re

gonna have a retail

store in today’s times you got to really fucking

start using your brain

because you need to offer servers that fucking i can’t

amazon’s just

gonna kill you regardless

and then we’re not even care

about walmart

amazon’s gonna kill walmart eventually

you know big corporations

aren’t killing all businesses you’re always

gonna have like restaurants that are

great restaurants

cause you know

the cook is awesome and he’s always got interesting

stuff to eat there

you’re not gonna get that from some fucking

chain you know some corporate

chain you’re

gonna get like

there’s going to be

places that you’re always

going to want to go to that have personality

to them that have flair that offer a certain

environment or ambience but

as long as the way things are

continuing to go the way they’re

going there’s so many fucking people in this

world there’s so many people

these corporations get so big because of that there’s

so many people to plunder

there’s so much to go

after it doesn’t seem like that’s a

trend that’s

going to stop

i don’t see

the idea of us

going into little

small groups

and businesses and goods being distributed like that

it’s just gonna continue to get bigger and bigger

what do you

think of that

woman who has like 25 kids

which one is that she

should be shot is that on that tv show

no there’s a what

there’s one on

the tv show the family that

i was like 21

plus 21 or something

something like that well

i think that lady

adopted this

woman’s literally gave

birth no that lady

gave birth the lady on the tv show has

really like

super religious

whole family families

really cheesy

on a rigid schedule

how many serial killers do you

think are in that family none

none none yeah

they’re all friendly they’re all

happy they’re all looking at a

sense of community they have her down to a science i

think serial

killers come from loneliness and abandonment and

this is religious

these people aren’t abused

they seem happy

you know i mean

they’re a little

looney with the religion but they

might have hot sex origins we don’t even know

about it but

you think they

should have

25s and sisters

how dare you

do you think they

should like why

do we need 25 of them you know what man here’s my deal

way better to have 25 people that are nice and happy

than 25 people that are all

fucked up and strung out on drugs and fucking angry and

shooting people and whatever

those people on that show i

watched that show i

watched their kids

they might be all

ate up with the jesus

so you know what they’re fucking

happy they’re good people

yeah that whole

jesus thing man is good for a lot of

folks it’s very

oh yeah man

whether or not you want to question it

whether or not you want to be objective

about the source of

all the stories that are in the

bible and whatever

the bottom line is most christians

are trying to be nice people

yeah that’s what it’s all

about it’s a good

thing imagine them without religion

crazy i’ve said

stuff like that before and people

think i’m bullshitting and i’m you know

patronizing people but i’m not

i think religion

for a lot of people is a good

thing the idea behind it is all a good thing

it’s just believing

that you’ve got the fucking answers because you’ve

committed to it

that’s where the problem comes in

the problem is when people get

aggressive with

their commitment

they have a commitment

you know i took

jesus christ my personal savior

how about the fucking guy that we’re talking

about him last week that went to

he’s in afghanistan

right now looking for osama

bin laden they arrested him

52 fucking years old

on dialysis

this looney tune

saving up all his money

and one of the reasons why he’s

going over there to kill

osam bin laden

is because he said bad

things about our god

dude dude where are your friends

i just i don’t

trust anyone who’s

two into anything

i don’t care what it is well even if you i walk

in and saw jesus christ

or brett favre

or whatever

yeah you know i’m like okay you’re fucking shady dude

that’s so true

people that are fucking obsessed with anything

everything in moderation you

could be obsessed with fucking

checkers man you can get obsessed with darts

you can get obsessed with anything and it

could become your whole world

you know and if you get obsessed with

jesus and you want everybody to believe in jesus

you believe in jesus so you fucking

wanna run up to people on the

street and hand them books and shit and

i tell him god

have you ever seen the movie king of kong

yes i know i heard it’s awesome though

pretty good they’re obsessed with

video games it’s

great dude dude

those people exist

that’s so weird these are

real people i used to be a part of a quake clan

and i guess i still am you know you’re in it for life

but clan extreme

detriment i used to play eight hours a day

i got a t1 line installed in my

house back when there was nothing else

well you can’t get

cable in my neighborhood

you can get isdn which is only like what is that

124 k or something like that not 100

what is it what’s

54 yeah i never got into that like twice 56 k

120 k something like that i think that’s what is dn is

maybe 140 and

it wasn’t enough

you’re ping your latency between service was too high

so when you

would play there’d be a lag it sucked

so i had a fucking

t1 line installed in my house

a business line it was like a thousand dollars a month

just so that i could play

quake online

cause i was playing

every day do you see

this new pain ray that the us is testing in afghanistan

i heard about it it’s like this big fucking like

laser it shoots out

like a microwave and it just makes you feel really hot

it’s gonna be like a

non lethal way for like

crowd control they’re just

gonna start frying

you with microwave oh yeah

they talked

about that in like

sixty minutes it was so interesting

cause they were like you know

they were demonstrating it and the people they were

using on where people were like

no war they had the no war

sign i’m like

that’s who you’re

gonna use it on

like they were holding those

sides i’m like that is

crazy dude yeah

oh my god i

guess they’re not using it

right now they just have it over there just in case

they wanna use it

you know they were looking

actively at the beginning of the iraq war i read a

story online

about coming up with some sort of a weapon

to make men have gay feelings for each

other yeah they were

turned on the iraqi troops

when we invaded iraq

they were gonna somehow another come

up with some sort of a weapon like they fucking spent

money on this you know in afghanistan they have man

loved thursdays

i’ve heard of that yeah

yeah i’ve heard that there’s a lot of gay sex

going on over there really yeah

in afghanistan

they think women

are for reproduction men are for pleasure and

every thursday

they go into the mountains

and they just ass

blast each other

who has a comic a

comic has a

funny bit about that man

who the fuck is i don’t know but that’s

awful somebody went over

to afghanistan and actually saw some guys fucking each

other well it’s a

slay your gang

is well it’s like i was talking to some

troops wanted to do

usa over there and

you know they were

training the afghani

troops and like within

their troop they had a boy there in the

group whose

whole job was

was to pleasure the guys and they

they had to tell the

troops not to say anything because that’s

their custom

and not to get involved with

that stuff your

royal penis is

clean god damn

i don’t even know why we’re

fighting over

there man you go over there like this is a shit hole

yeah we should just do

do you not hear what they just discovered

they discovered

over one trillion

dollars in mineral reserves we’re

never previously unknown

mineral reserves in afghanistan oh look we

didn’t even know it was here wow

crazy well since we’re here

might as well

start pulling this shit out of the ground yep shit’s

gonna change son we’re

never leaving

dude let me tell you something afghanistan is

gonna be like dubai

in 20 years okay

we’re gonna have

taken over the

whole fucking country it’s

gonna be democratized

and they’ll have

two million mile high

buildings okay

there’s a fucking

trillion dollars

worth of minerals there

that’s going to be this

crazy mining town

it’s just like how

we need gold

these minerals we need for

making semiconductors and all kinds of

other shit that

we use things for to construct

stuff you know

especially high tech

stuff we use a lot of minerals it’s like

trillion dollars

worth of stuff

that’s a thousand billion

it’s a lot of fun

dude shits gonna i

used to do a joke

about the only person who

could run iraq is

magic johnson

because you

know he made like almost a billion dollars in like

just redoing like

apartments and all that

stuff and like

you know give him like two weeks fucking

bag dad would look like fucking orange county

and whoever you put in charge in there they’re

gonna try to assassinate

anyways and you know we all know you can’t kill

magic johnson

somebody tried

that’s funny

yeah it’s been a while

since i did that joke i couldn’t remember how it went

cia planned to bomb iraq with saddam’s gay

video oh that’s different

they were gonna make a fake gay

video that’s

funny the cia

did photoshop

could you imagine

like auditioning for that

the us army

alright soldier

we need you to take down your

pants and fuck this guy yeah what do they do they must

kill you afterwards

if they’re gonna make a fucking fake

saddam hussein

video they can’t let you go

if you’re the

type of person that’s willing to make a fake gay

saddam hussein

video they can’t

trust you to keep your fucking

mouth shut that the government paid you they’re

gonna kill you man

well unless they kind of like

hey you know we let you in

you just need to like don’t ask don’t tell but

we have a special program you know over

what you get to be a soldier

yeah lucky you you get shot at

every point you

suck cock on video

what a fucking gift

listen man i

think they probably kill you

i think they probably say listen we’re

gonna do some gay porn it’s

gonna be crazy

it’s we’re gonna pretend it’s osama

bin laden or saddam

hussein or whatever

i bet this guy

doesn’t even know he’s doing it for the military

i think she’s doing yeah they just

have to find some

gay persian looking good then they

shoot everybody in the fucking head and

throw them in the ocean

and they just disappeared no one ever hears about

it that’s fucking

not they fucking surrounds zanku chicken

alright everybody out

you know this

general that just stepped up and said all kinds of

crazy shit about

obama you know

beatrice i think

i don’t know what the fuck his name is he

um they just

made him resign

so he resigned it turns out this is the same guy

that signed off on the pat tillman

story he was trying to get everybody to believe

that pat tillman was

died by the you know

fighting the

enemy when actually

was killed by friendly fire same fucking

dude he’s an asshole he’s like he goes over there

basically tells the

troops this is

going like shit

it’s like you’re the guy who came up with the plan

who are you blaming

there’s a lot

of speculation i was listening to opie and anthony

today and people were calling and talking

about it and they were saying that they

think that he

might have tried to

he wanted to

leave and he

this was the way he

could not just leave but

leave and get his

point across

you know that he

calculated this

and did it on purpose so he made this big like

statement about them because he knew it was

gonna be in rolling stone

and then he gets

fired right or

gets forced to resign but then this

issue whatever he said gets out there across the

whole world because the fact that he opened his

mouth and in rolling

stone and that they reacted and that they fired him

this becomes

an issue that people want to hear more about

so then he gets a fucking book deal

and you get a book deal for several million dollars

if you’re fucking

smart oh he’ll be on fox news

if it’s legal

i don’t know what the

legality is as far as like what you’re allowed to talk

about when you’re allowed to talk

about it when you’re a high

level military guy you know in the united

states army like he is

but i would

think that that

would be a fucking

smooth move you know

what do you

think i mean

why just fucking quit you don’t like it you don’t like

obama why quit

why not just make a stink

yeah make a

stink everybody knows you made a

stink write a book bam son you know

just need a little fame baby keep that ball rolling

well i mean look at

sarah palin

she’s exactly i was just

gonna say that

still in the game son

that fucking

election was two years ago she was retarded then she’s

still in the mix

making millions

making bank

they’re doing some

crazy reality shows

series on hers like

eight episodes for a million dollars a pop

that’s why she got out she’s waking that

money in son

breaking them

stay in alaska

dude there is

money in keeping the retards

happy she is the politics version of pro wrestling

if you go to watch pro wrestling

there are thousands of people in those

stands and they’re having a good fucking time okay

that bitch is the

she’s a female politician version of a pro wrestler

she says a bunch of retarded shit that only retards

agree with she riles

them up they

don’t even know what she likes they know what she

stands for she

stands for someone who’s not

gonna think too much

she stands for someone who’s

gonna give basic

values we’re just

gonna get down on

how’s that whole

hopi changing

thing working out for you

you know she she

prides herself on being goofy

and people like that shit they connect to it and

you’re always

gonna have that man

you’re always

gonna have that yep you’re always

gonna have someone steps up like that

you’re always

going to have someone

all you have to do is just get yourself into the

zeitgeist get people to

start thinking about you

and then keep

going and you can make a living

off of it man they’re fucking professional trolls

you know crazy

tell me ann coulter’s not a professional troll

right did i saw

on tv i want the boner dude did you really yeah she’s

actually looking pretty hot oh sam tripley how long

what i want to fuck

the hate right out of her no you need to

start drinking again

you’re getting beer goggles without fucking drinking

that’s what i’ve heard

this is incredible this really is true

sex bomb those who complained the military

should make love

not war may be

happy to know that at

least on one occasion the military scientists

were searching for ways to

break down the enemy with aching desire

a sex bomb or in saucier headlines the gay bomb

scientists consider developing a chemical weapon

with aphrodisiac qualities that

would make the enemy soldiers hopelessly

physically attracted to one another

as to paralyze

their ranks and destroy morale

isn’t that incredible yeah but actually

scientists was

there like some eighteen year old guy from high school

i’m a scientist

i’m gonna make some gay bombs out there you know

gay bombs sure bro

that’s what the pentagon

hires it’s not

like they have access to the best side i know but they

just said they talked

about it they didn’t

actually do anything listen to you man you don’t even

wanna believe

i believe they actually

tried i do i believe i

don’t put it past the pentagon

but i also find it like

if they even were thinking

about that they

probably just said

we could make a bomb

maybe it’s gay

alright that’s cool they’re saying aphrodisiac

right when they were together with men

there was only men around they

wouldn’t be able to help themselves that’s the idea

right i fucking

you know look man

if you break down what

sexual desire is there

must be some sort of a

trigger in our

brains for sexual desire you know

whatever it is some sort of a chemical trigger

if they can

mimic that and find a way to get it into people

you know blast it

out in a haze and you inhale it as you breathe and all

sudden you can the

first thing they

would do though is

sell it the

first thing they

would do though is sell it

you know they

would be making

money out that like oil right why

would they sell that be like the newest porn ever

why would they sell it when they can make x amount of

money from it

when they could use it and take over

countries they

could take over and

tie it to fucking

countries okay

and why would you sell it because if you sold it then

other people

would have access to it

if you’re gonna use it if the military is

gonna use it

the military is not

gonna turn into some sort of

a vendor start selling some product

and have late

night commercials did you ever hear the theory that

the samurais

where gays fuck

gays fuck and then

that’s why they

fought so hard that’s why i got a samurai

tattoo on my arm son respect

so gay that’s why

ninjas don’t talk because they have so much cum in

their mouth

that’s why pirates why pirates

dress for ambiently

for ambiently

you know the word they’re all gay stop playing son

yeah that’s a little vikings

who the fuck else was wearing earrings and shit

back then big

sashes and fucking

pirates were

super gay yeah

pirates super gay

lambo and six

shirts we’re not

taught vikings and pirates aren’t the same

thing sam trip

they’re both

on both vikings are nordic warriors they’re not gay

they’re fucking

savages they

that’s why nordic

chicks are so hot

because they

raped and pillaged all the best ones they took

everything they

could find just

pure alpha male arctic lust

big fucking

white dicks of death

just plundering and raping across the world

big difference between that and pirates bro

pirates are sucking dick and wearing

sashes they got

crazy fucking patches over their eyes

rainbow birds they got shot

yeah they got birds rainbow what

kind of bird

look at that pirates are associated with parrots

what kind of a dude walks around with a parrot on

shoulder a gay guy for sure

if you see a dude with a parrot

on his shoulder

he’s something’s happened to him yeah you know

maybe a dude

made him jerk him off once and he’s fucking

frozen i can’t

stand a patches

and i hate guys to do

magic tricks at

house parties

ooh yeah that’s rough yeah

if this went

to the best

house party there

today south park had a house

party and i went to it it was amazing dude

you have not been to a party

until you’ve been to one of these

south park parties you ever been to one joe oh no

no oh dude they probably spent like

maybe 10 000

on just decorations

like you walk in and you felt like you were in

mulan rouge

like a circus

or something like that they had fucking like

shooting galleries

like a carnival and

stuff those guys really have it done

they’re doing it

right those

south park guys

everything they do i love

every time they put something out i love before

south america

the movie south park

they were opening for tool

what dvd a they

would run the cartoon before tool came out oh

really oh you’re talking

about the brian boytano one

right yeah yeah the

brian boytano one was the

first someone gave me that on the christmas

tape back when i was living in fucking

i was living in encino

i was like god damn this is funny shit

and then it became a show but

every one of

them do you have that vhs tape because you

could probably ebay that i

might dollar dollar bill

i might have it dollar

dollar bills y’all i got a

stack of old

vhs tapes that may or may not be


i found a few of them the

other day but

like you know what all this shit is online

somewhere they sent it out as a christmas card through

like paramount

or something like that

and so not many people got that vhs tape so

i fucking love the

south park movie

that was just genius

shit team america is my favorite all time

movie of all time i think yeah

my favorite one of my funniest

the funniest

movie i’ve ever seen for sure

but the thing about

south park was when saddam was saying when they had

saddam was saying being gay with the devil

and remember he had a big rubber dick and

so dumb do you

remember how

funny that show was dude i saw that

movie in a theater full of mexicans

and when they called god the biggest

bitch of them all

you just felt the room energy turned

yeah they got mad

oh yeah you get

that hilarious

what they did to muhammad

you need to get camp

when i was at

that party for a brief

second i’m like

oh yeah there

might be a bomb here

yeah how funny is that man people are threatening

their lives

they really were

worried about that

people were threatening

their lives because they were making fun of muhammad

aren’t they

saying that the times square guy was something yeah

the times square guy

sounds like he’s retarded

you know we talk to people that know bombs and

understand construction of bombs and like this

could have never worked like

you know a bunch of

things work exactly perfect in

order he didn’t have any

experience doing it

set it up wrong

you know they’re like this is all

wrong so he seems like it’s just a fucking retard

they had over

there disenfranchised god losing his

house you know that kind of a guy

and you know just wants wants something

to connect themselves to something significant

so he decides it’s

gonna be a martyr

and you know

like when they

came up to on the plane he

asked them if they were fbi or cia

he asked them what they were new york police

new york police or cia or fbi what are you

he wanted to

know he wanted to know who he was getting arrested by

he said he wanted to get fucking caught

he’s a dumbass so it

i think there are

groups out there that are

trying to do fucked up shit to americans for sure they

definitely are

but the thing is the dudes who are joining

these things they’re fucking mess man yeah they’re

idiots there

they’re either

idiots or they’re

all fucked up or

nobody signing

up to do this shit if they got it all together you know

the key to making the

world safe is not killing all the fucked up people

it’s making sure the people coming up get it together

do your best to make sure there’s plenty

of cool people do your best

to make sure

that kids are raised correctly that you set up good

schools and community centers and do

things to try to

enhance the lives

of children to make them grow up to be more positive

people that’s the only way to fix them how are you

gonna do that when they

just keep pulling

money out of education i mean it’s like

you know there’s not

enough incentive to them they’re rich rich people put

their kids in private

schools so they

look at you know the situation like this

other people’s problem fuck them

you know but it’s your problem too man if

those kids grow

up and they’re disenfranchised and fucking dangerous

you know if your children have to come in contact

with you know

but you go to like

places like australia canada

where it’s like one

group of people they seem to be more like a

group do you know what i’m saying the

working together

and i love the

diversity of america but i wonder if that plays in the

you know it’s kind of

where i was talking on the phone

like when you

said you like all the

savages and all that stuff yeah

sam and i on the way over here we were talking

about why america we were talking

about how great canada is and

every time we go up to canada

which i just got back i was just this weekend i was in

three stops in canada i was in

grand prairie

i was in saskatoon

and then i was in saskatoon

grand prairie and then winnipeg had a

great fucking time man

shows were so much fun i fucking love canada fucking

awesome up there man montreal

was awesome

it’s just like there’s something

about these people that are so nice it’s such a

a great like

there’s so much like on the whole

so much friendlier and

more relaxed than americans you look in

their eyes you don’t see darkness you see rainbows well

there’s douchebags

i mean there’s douchebags

everywhere i

had a lot of douchebags in winnipeg a lot of hecklers

but they’re just

drunk and retarded that’s part of life

whatever you did just made the

static come back

i just moved we got a rinky dink

system here son yeah

i shut my mic off and it’s doing it man

so it can’t be

so try to figure

out what this is it’s something over there

cause it was fine and then you moved that

stand out as a

stand touching a middle

okay try to get comfortable look what you

did it’s almost near the end anyway it

doesn’t matter yeah but wait a

minute we can’t just keep talking like this bro we

started it four fifteen we got fifteen more minutes

don’t turn my

volume down

i’m just saying can’t hear my beautiful voice haha

don’t be fucking with me son

it’s something i do

unplug and replug yeah

unplugging unplug

what you do bro

there’s nothing

over there there’s nothing over there don’t

touch anything over there no no

no don’t it’s not don’t cross

streams yeah

it’s something over in that mic

stand or your mic because the only

thing you did is you

touch the mic

stand and it turned back there’s move all just move

it’s like some kind of

don’t know ricky dink

fucking bullshit

if i was listening to this on an ipod i’d be pissed

right now come on we

gotta fix it

hey take take take the mic out of the

stand turn off

the mic so you don’t hit blow everyone’s ears

unplug it and hit the mic

stand on the ground

not too hard or no the mic

no cause it’s unplugged

you unplugged it

so now i’ll take the mic though and

hit it on the ground tap it on the ground see it’s back

it’s the mic

what why would i tap them no no no the mic

you know what i mean like if it’s a

loose connection or something

so it’s like blowing into the nintendo disc

you know i believe it’s something to do with the mic

or the cable that the mic is

god damn it

how’s it connecting

it’s just going right here unplug it over

there i did already

what you put me in another hole

put me in another hole over there

cause it’s not that it’s it has something to it

oh wait there

wait no there’s just no sound

is that one there we go no no same

time crackle

see it’s something on that side

where the mic is there okay let’s ignore it

because this

is annoying as fuck you’re listening to this shit

these fucking faggots just talked

about the sound buzz for

30 seconds and i don’t

think they can hear it only we can hear it because

it’s because

i can’t hear that much

because the compression

through u string probably blocks out that

that yeah with the itunes people

gonna hear the shit out yeah i’ll try to fix it

sorry folks

very interesting

well you were talking about savages

yeah we were talking

about this is what sam triple and i were talking

about on the way over here we were talking

about why is america so

aggressive and we’re saying well

you think about it just

the people that came to

america are the people that were so fed up with europe

they were so ambitious that they got on a fucking boat

and sailed across

oceans to get over here yeah

they put themselves

through serious partnership they’re the most

aggressive of the aggressive

and once they got here you know they were desperado

and a lot of them got here during the depression

or before the

depression you know

a lot of them got here back then and

those fucking people

the people who grew up in the depression

they had a fuck they were fucking hard people man

those were hard hard times

you hear stories

about soup lines and

whole families being outside and

you see some of the

photos from the

depression era

that was scary

scary shit for people

so those people grew up hard and they grew up

aggressive and

those are the

ones that stayed and they had kids and then

they had kids and that fucking aggressive

aggressive attitude of survival it’s

still there you know

and then that’s one of the reasons why we’ve talked

about this before

about california is so weird

is because all

the people that were dissatisfied with the east coast

they all slowly made

their way further

and further and further and further west

and you mix

them with people just want theme and they know the most

aggressive the

aggressive ellie’s

gotta be the

freakiest fucking

place to live ever

i think it’s

gotta be like hollywood

wall street and then

washington dc

did you see the

did you see the the laker game

thing where they were

lighting the cars on fire

after it was over yeah they’re crazy

so angry about that

and it wasn’t even

like a cop car or a government car it was a fucking cab

and you know what

but i’m not

gonna go there

never mind go

where man look

they’re fucking retarded

doesn’t matter what

ethnicity they’re from anybody does that’s an idiot

and like i said before why are they

idiots why they because they were raised by

idiots for sure

they’re not doing that because that’s you know

human nature

they’re doing it because

they’re they’re born to a fucked up situation with a

ton of struggle by a

bunch of people that can’t cope and

doesn’t don’t balance things

right and you know

born into poverty a lot of them born into

immigration situations there’s a lot of fucking strife

you’re raising kids

right now do you feel like

raising kids is almost like

raising a wild animal almost

where you have to like

teach them you have to almost

house train them and

you know and all that so i know you don’t want to talk

about no your children

not specific

like that it’s much more different it’s like an

alien it’s like something that

doesn’t even know this world or

you know wild animal has

their own instincts and you have

to kind of tone them down and i’ve had wild cats before

i’ve had feral

cats that were raised outside or

they were born outside and they’re wild man

feral cats even when you

get i got mine when

he was a kitten he was only like two months old

maybe three

months old the most but he was wild as fuck i mean wild

like hissing at you and fucking

leaping and clawing the walls and

when i first got them

a friend of mine that i went to high

school with she had a

bunch of them in her where her

apartment was like there was a parking lot area

and this female

feral cat had a

bunch of kittens

so she decided she was going to

catch the kittens

and give them to houses

and she gave one of them to me

and so i took this fucking cat this cat was

crazy dude i mean i’d

never seen anything like

it in my life

but i had a couple days off work so i decided i’m

gonna have to get this cat to like me

this cat is

gonna live in my

house i might have to get this cat to be

chill with me

so i put one of my bedrooms

i put a bed in it

that i don’t

normally sleep in

and i put some cat food in there and some

water and i just

slept in there read books for two days

and wrote material and hung out with this little cat

until he became my friend

but dude it was

crazy i pick him up he

would start purring

and then i would put him down as soon as i put him down

you go fucking

crazy and run away from me and fucking try to

climb up the walls

it was like when i

would pick him up the warmth and the

comfort and the fact that i was giving him affection

he knew he could

relax that i was

gonna do good

things but as

soon as i put him down it was like immediate terror

so it’s nothing like a stripper

nothing like

raising a wild animal it’s like raising something that

doesn’t exist

and all of a

sudden gets brought forth into this

dimension with a completely

clean slate

they have no

knowledge of what’s

going on they have certain tendencies

tendencies towards being needy or

aggressive or tendencies towards being

relaxed you know

their personalities

definitely vary and

whether or not

that’s genetic whether or not that’s just

when they were born you know what was going on

with my wife’s body what was

going on with her diet

what was going on with

their genetics what’s

going on with

the fucking

solar system who the fuck knows what

influences behavior whether astrology is real or not

and then from there you just get this

blank slate and you

gotta raise this

blank slate

but it really

doesn’t seem like the commitment

people think of it as like this burden like oh i

gotta raise this kid i used to always

think that’s probably what it was like

that you have kids like god becomes a burden

gotta take care of the kids

but it doesn’t seem like that to me

to me it seems it’s fucking awesome

it’s like you’re

raising this new little loving creature

you know this little little

awesome person that you love so much man

like you want

to do it like you want to be with them you

never and it

doesn’t feel like a burden to me man

it feels like a lot of fun

i mean sometimes it requires a lot of attention it’s

tough to get

things done

but it’s fun

but it’s also

i’m having it i know i had a baby when i was forty

i didn’t have a baby when i was

twenty and broke and fucked up and confused and

trying to make my way in the world

i had a baby when i was already

relaxed you know i had a baby when i already

had like a good healthy view of the

world you know

i just recently got baby fever

because i think it’s your

second one that got me

i’m just like you know what i’m done i don’t need

to be hanging out at a comedy club at 2 in the morning

i don’t need to go to a bard and rave with my glow

sticks yeah that’s when you need to do it

you know i just i feel like i just want to sit at home

and be happy

and well you love pets

you love pets

man if you love cats and dogs i know you do

you would love

a human you know

i think i will

we’ll make great pets

we’ll make now the

world would be so much better

if more cool people had kids you know

we would figure out a way

to raise human beings and have

generations that were really nice and friendly to each

other the problem is just too much

inequality too much inequality in the way children are

raised as well too much

too many situations

where people are like looking at people that have

things on tv and go why not me or that have

things in the

world that they

don’t have and why not me what the fuck and this

too much anger and

you know i mean that makes for competition

in some ways you know you see

things that

other people have that you wish and

wish you had and it

forces you to work harder

but it’s also

it develops a lot of stress man there’s a lot of

yeah every time i

think about it then i think

about like oh wait when she’s like fucking

fourteen twelve

think about

some of the dudes that we know how creepy they are

right think

about some guys that we’ve come across in our lives

and how fucking nutty they are

especially safari

shafir no but

now some dudes

really hate

women you know

i have known dudes that really have issues with women

and when women

would turn them down they

would yell at them and shit like that and

it’s really embarrassing and creepy to be around and

you know you

could think man that

could be your

daughter that

could be sam tripley’s

daughter and

some guys yelling at her calling her a fucking cunt

lesbian yeah

you know because

she doesn’t want his drink

no thank you yeah you fucking cunt lesbian

dude how many of

those guys are out there

you know what’s worse is

walking through

vegas like saturday night

and just seeing

like a hard rock

and seeing like fucking like

just two girls walking through this maze of fucking

drunk douchebags

vegas guys and it is sad they’re like attacked like

a lesbian yeah

i think a lot of girls go to

lesbianism i mean this is just

total speculation but i’ve met

girls that go both ways and sometimes they’ll be like

lesbians for like a year or so

it’s just they get od

on douchebags

they just want some kindness in

their life and

so they just said let’s just i’ll be your

girlfriend for you want to be flowery

yeah eddie’s

eddie dated a

chick that she

moved somewhere and became a

lesbian really

yeah like you know he was dating her and they

broke up and she

dated a bunch of different dudes in this

net and blah blah blah

that’s just decided to take some time off from dick

fucking scissor for a bit i dated it

i hooked up with this chick

and right before we

had sex for the

first time she’s like i just need to let you

know that for the last five years i’ve been living as a

lesbian wow

i’m like oh man like i need this kind of pressure

man talking about

i’m like jackie

robinson man i like i get one shot

and if i don’t take care of business nobody gets his

any dick i’m

sure was a good shot so it was awesome wasn’t it

oh she fucking

loved it but she wanted me to

choke crying

did she really want you to

choke her yeah i don’t like

that shit i

don’t like she wanted you to

choke her and she was a

lesbian she wanted the full male

experience bro

you aren’t bringing enough heat she’s

crazy i once you did it

crazy was it good though

crazy good yeah of course yeah i like

crazy chicks

did i ever tell you

about like women who were a little bit

cross eyed too i just remember

i don’t know why dude

what i had a girl that i

dated there’s

another connection

like i talked

about the foot fetish thing

i had a girl that i

dated when i was like 22

and 21 actually

and she was

older than me

and she was really kind of sexy and she had a wonky eye

and that wonky eye i’ve

had like a thing

about wonky eyes

just a little one with a

little wonky

a little bit

she’s gonna try harder

brian you understand

she’s aware that wonky eye and she’s just

gonna give a little bit more

zest into the kiss i just met this

asian chick a

while ago and

she had the

greatest body and a little bit

cross i’m like wow

that’s really hot

yeah i agree i once

dated this girl i don’t

know if i’d said this or not on the podcast but i once

dated this girl that

every time she

would have an orgasm she

would have like a full on

seizure and fly off and

hit bookshelf and

knock bookshelf

down and stuff like that and

ever since then i’ve been like

hoping that i get to find

another girl like that because you don’t understand

how fucking amazing that is like you’re

about to you’re having sex

you’re both

about to come and then she comes and then she’s

just flying like a flopping fish all over the place

and it’s just like

are you sure she’s put in a show no she

could be the

worst actors

hurt herself doing it like i fucked

are you sure she’s not just retarded

no no she’s gotta

think this is a girl

i mean she fucking loves that’s

unusual she loves sex so much we did this move like

we it was when we used to work at this mexican

place and we did this move called the don

pablo that’s the

place we used to work at don

pablo’s and it was

where we did but to but

you know take my dick and wrap it between

my legs and then

pull hold her legs

i saw that in the

peter north

video is that a real video

i don’t even know if that

was a real move but we used to call it the dumb pop

no the girl was sucking it that way that’s what it was

she was sucking it backwards so yeah

we’re on top

and i’m holding her legs pushing the dick in

while my dick’s

between my legs

going through it from behind that’s like

how dogs fuck is it

dogs fuck backwards

dogs fuck doggy

style goddamn

no no no they get caught

when they get

stuck and they try to step off

you know you know

it’s like it’s like when you’re inside a dude’s guard

and he goes for a leg lock

and then you have to

step over backwards and then you get into donkey guard

yeah but so anyways it was

weird because she was just a freak

she would fucking come and like

it would take a minute

maybe of her just sitting there going like

screaming like

while she’s shaking like

could she always get

annoying after a

while it was when i was doing it but now i kind of miss

it like a fetish like

i want to do that again

after a while

we like will you just shut the fuck up

i just got like

water while she was doing i

just like walk up and make sure she didn’t hit herself

i used to date a mexican girl ucl

racial slurs at me in bed for

real yeah it was really hot

wow i don’t know why i just really liked it that

would be kind of high

racial slurs like what

would you say

uh everything

like what you

right bitch

white motherfucker

oh she drop

m box fuck that

blacks was really

how would you use it

i don’t wanna

go and say it

say what you say what the fuck this is the podcast son

there’s thousands listening to this

right now tell us what the fuck she

would say she just be like

fuck me yeah yeah

whisper it man

why it’s not you saying it you

know we all

know sam tripoli this is sad to me why because

you’re supposed to just say it man yeah

tell me what this bitch was saying she gonna just

drop em bombs dude why

that’s crazy you gotta make your dick

a little harder like a crazy bitch

yeah i liked it fucking crazy bitch

man i like it when girls talk shit dude

i want to get offended when i have

like i wanted to say offensive shit right wow

i like that hate that quiet shit where there’s

see i don’t like saying shit unless they are

so if they’re not then i don’t say anything or

try to make no noises at all but that’s

awful you try to make no noise at all i’m just

but i’m not

well i mean i agree

oh you know i’m not doing anything like that

that sounds like nelson riley oh charles nelson riley

oh yeah what yeah this sex is terrific this is awesome

yeah you don’t make

noise man no i try not to

and i get called out on it sometimes i

think i actually get

called out on

it yeah i get called out all the time like why was so

quiet i’m like

cause i’m in the machine

right now i’m quiet

but i’m coming

i used to have a girl who

would just explode down there oh me too

i sure love

that oh yeah i love

gushing you

could always tell when she

was there like warm

yeah it was so

great did you ever see it

spray out no i

never really

wanted to see it i just felt it felt it you know

joey one time

joey ts hold on

joey diaz is a joke

about that he

dated a girl

that did that he goes but it was inconsistent

one day be like

fucking mint juleps the next day be like gatorade

i don’t know what the fucking

expect it was too confusing

it always collected my

belly button

and then i used to just lay there

after sex and like

flick my finger in my

belly button oh okay you are

grossing me the fuck out you

weird cocksucker i once

boned a chicken

in the back of a phantom

you bone a chick in the back of a fan dude

what a phantom a car like a rolls royce

oh shit yeah dude i did this gig in this i

was working with this guy you bang some rich guy’s wife

no i just this

chick was running

running with us

and she just

i’m sitting in the back of car she just all over me

whoa and then like everyone

leaves car i just hang out i just start

nailing her in the back

and she’s just right gone

you have to

say anything that’s right um

just if instead

of answering next time just go like this

and then continue

story just ignore me

i know what the fuck you’re saying

by the way this podcast

is sponsored by

flashlight by the end

we have to say that at the end

how much does a phantom cost rolls royce

like it’s like a half a million

bucks or something yeah

dude it was real deal shit that’s like one of those

ultimate floss

things like i’m sure it’s cool to like

drive around in must feel like really sturdy

i mean they’re like really really well made

that’s just like an

ultimate like

flossing move well

those that’s what

those cars are for like you

could run those into a

building and you won’t get hurt they’re

built to like yeah they’re awesomely built

but it’s like also like the

people that want them like that’s an extreme statement

you know i’m saying

i think this guy

was a limo driver so he just was one of the cars that

oh okay okay

what i mean

still you want to show people was the shit i ford

see what i get when i go out

for my limo

and there was great

just spraying and he’s like please please please

and then they had a mercedes there

go over to the mercedes so we went over to the mercedes

and finish what we were doing

cause she’s splattering all over your seats

yeah he didn’t want us to ruin his oh

oh wow that’s was she a

sprayer yeah

oh my god all over the key

imagine if the back of his fucking beautiful car just

smell like pussy

just dirty stinky

pussy everywhere

i miss and she loved in the ass

dude oh did she

yeah you ever meet the chicks who love it in the ass

out about sam trip

did you think

they’re pretending to love it in the ass yes i’ve

never met somebody that

loved i know i’ve seen

girls and say they love it man they love it in there

i heard girls yell it out

at a comedy club some people it just depends how like

some people have whatever that

that sensitive

asshole where it feels like

they could have orgasms from it that’s

how sensitive it is and

other girls don’t have that vein or whatever that

goes through the side of it that’s a doctor talking

right now ladies

yeah that’s dr red band that’s ghetto doctor

yeah you don’t

got that vein in it ghetto

doctor knows all

about butt sex

you get that

vein in there you know the dalai lama is anti butt

sex so he’s anti gay sex i guess

he’s not even

he’s anti blowjob

too so he is anti gay sex

most of the

sex should only be used for procreation

yeah oral and anal is

sexual indiscretion yeah

i mean most of you are like in christianity all the

taboo sexes are no but

those guys don’t create more christian but

who’s supported by more gay people than the dalai lama

the dalai lama is

essentially saying that what they’re doing is

they’re doing is unnatural and

is not what you

should be pursuing

you should only be

pursuing sex that creates

babies that’s

literally what he’s saying that’s

he probably

doesn’t get laid that much so

at all how about ever

i mean maybe he gets laid occasionally i don’t know

we don’t know

maybe fuck sharon

stone fucking


flashlights and

the dalai lama

flashlight send him an

avatar one we need to figure out a way to get avatar on

board with the

by the way they have

clear ones they have

clear ones i was like oh man that’s like fucking wonder

woman when she’s in there

oh yeah yeah

totally we play

invisible jet

visible jet

just look down and you see little wonder

woman in her jet that’s hilarious i like the idea of a

clear one though

man because there’s something serial killer

about the whole rubber

pussy that’s the same

color as an actual pussy

have you ever seen

those dolls that are like life

real dolls yeah

i thought about getting a gay one for jiu jitsu

i was like that’d be the perfect

thing to practice on because it’s just like a real dude

because i have a

but then i thought

how do you explain that away

i got fake jiu

jitsu dummies

in my garage that i practice on like if i can’t get to

class and i got some shit i

gotta work on

i’ll work out on the dummy

i’ll go over moves on the

dummy because it’s like

it’s a bubba dummy

they make them for gracie jiu jitsu

but it’s not as accurate as like a real doll

i bet a real doll

would work better but you know what you

should just get

you have cash just get it to put in your

closet and look at i heard i

like a doll

i want a dude oh

that’s a skin tone

no no no yeah that’s not i

think the sign

would care off

yeah it’s not

tough i heard

drew carried

eight real dolls

really yeah he’s a freak

drew carey’s got so much

money man dude how

great is that gig

he’s such a nice guy too man

drew carey is like one of the nicest guys i

think i’ve ever run across

always friendly

always has a big

smile on his face

i’ve never even

heard of him being a dick

you know just always like a

funny guy to be around

loves comedy

gives advice to comics

he was giving advice to some fucking new

comic at the improv

the other day

not the other day was like

maybe a couple months ago

but drew was there and there was some new

comic there and

we were all talking and the new comic

asked a question and drew

carey just gave him all sorts of information just

write thirty jokes a day just sit down

force yourself to

write get up

every time you can

record your act he was like giving him all this

great fucking advice

thirty jokes a day well

it’s like if you do that if you do that if you really

dedicate yourself you’re

gonna have some gems you’re

gonna come up with some gems you

force yourself to write some

you know just sit down and

write a bunch of shit like that he’s so right

it was fucking

great advice but the fact that he

took the time to do that to some kids

he’s from ohio

he’s an ohio guy

are you an ohio guy no

where columbus

yeah that’s

you know ohio does have a lot

of nice people they’re a lot like canadians in a way

a little less

little less cool

so chicks are great

ohio chicks i like ohio

chicks midwest

like they’ve always been very nice you like

the firm stock

i dude i like

thick chicks i like amazon’s that’s why i

loved australia

just amazon chicks

i saw read them on your twitter

right yeah they’re all

amazons and pregnant

those are my two favorite things

australia is a pretty awesome fucking country man

there’s no religious

guilt out there you can do i was doing

jesus jokes are fucking

great man they’re

friendly as shit too i got talk slow though

they’re like you have a really

thick accent

like i do their accent’s pretty badass

their accent just

sounds party

because if you’re talking like that

might you know

that’s not like a guy who takes himself too seriously

that’s the guy who’s

gonna throw you another beer you know what i’m

saying i was in

sydney it’s

pretty expensive over there man a little bit

sydney’s the shit though

it’s fucking the removed from

everybody man it’s hard to get shit over there yeah

our driver was telling us how much cars are

there like real expensive because they got to ship them

you know from other

places they have like their own

australian cars

you don’t recognize like what the fuck is that

some weird alien car and shit you know they’re like

completely removed from the rest of the world

they’re fucking far away

and the crazy

thing is that was a prison colony for england yeah

and england is fucking boring as shit

rainy weather all fucked up australia is beautiful

and that’s a prison colony

and they’re so cool

how the fuck did that happen

i don’t know

man by the best time how long were you there for

two and a half weeks

yeah australia’s the shit man had a good

where you at

this week man

i’m doing my

naughty show to my own

that’s right that’s

right sam trip

is not a show

tomorrow night

are you fear will be guest

to do doing some sort of a

guest appearance

rowdy roddy


piper’s gonna be there

yeah yep he’s

gonna make an appearance

and sam how do people keep up with you so they know

about the future

the future naughty shows and all this shit

naughty comedy show

i’m twitter

i’m on twitter

sam tripoli

and if you’re on you

stream that’s it

right there

it’s easier just as go to thenawtycomityshow

com for that actual

thing probably trying to

spell tripoli yeah

the naughty

commieshow com sam

tripoli com well

tripoli’s not that hard to spell

oh we’re having the us sounds

us national air humping

championships too

really yeah

it’s gonna be big

if you seen

sam’s been on the road with me a

bunch of times before we did

toronto together we did a

bunch of gigs up and sat down

we did sacramento together and we’re doing the

house of blues together

on july 2nd

sam tripoli in

vegas anytime

in the big brock lesnar

shane carwin i’m so

excited the

white gorilla festival

we’re gonna have a good fucking time man so

sam tripoli tomorrow

night at the melrose improv

10 p m show 8 p m

8 p m show 8 p m show

dana de armen and joanna angel dana

he’s got a bunch of very

attractive young ladies who fuck for a living

and then i will be this weekend at

the irvine improv

friday saturday and sunday

with ari shafir

and joey coco diaz oh snaps oh snap full death

squad appearance

brian’s gonna be there

videotaping so if you want to kiss brian he’s ready

yes you ready to kiss people yes

i’ll kiss anybody

boy girl no

no okay we drove

flashlights com go to joe’s website

click on the link at 15 off

they are awesome and we both love them

yeah we fuck hooked me up and if anyone from

flashlights listening

get us more we need some more chris crystal

i emailed him

yesterday to tell him that the

flashlight has made it into my act now

there’s like i have a whole

chunk on the flashlight and how the you have chunks

i think that’s the best way to do comedies

you know the guy who i really emulated who i

learned that from was richard jenny

cause richard

jenny would

write and he would

write the shit out of a subject man

i remember i was always impressed when i

would go to see him that this guy

like when a guy has like just one

thing on a subject he brings up a subject

he has a thing on it and then he moves on to the

next subject i always feel like well you just started

touching on the subject you sure that that’s

all the angles that are in that subject

i don’t i don’t feel like i got enough out of that

experience but when i

would go see richard

jenny that guy

would like write

these big long

chunks word but

right when he thought he was done with it

he would hit you

with more shit with it it made it funnier and funnier

more ridiculous as it got along so i

learned how to do that from him yeah you’re going to

well you do

chunks too man

like tommy store guys do

chunks right

yeah a lot of guys from there

we have similar

styles you know

we go loose

it’s not like

verbatim same way

every night

cause that place is like a chaos

place yeah you can’t go up there and do a monologue

yeah nobody wants to hear that shit

yeah you’re

gonna have to interact with people at some

point that’s why i hate showcasing i

think showcasing for

something is just so not natural like

like seven minutes i mean yeah and just go up there and

a to see and

it’s just like that’s not what i do it’s like i like to

be in the moment talk

about what’s

going on and it’s

funny because kennison who is

one of my favorite

comics and i

think one of yours as well

always had that problem

and he was a comedy

store guy as well

he always had the problem

where he said

it takes me 10 minutes

to get cooking i don’t want to do like

seven minutes

he had a problem he didn’t want to do

when the roddy

dangerfield special was on he was like wow

10 minutes this isn’t a lot of time

he had a concern

about that you know i

think we both have that

style that comes from the

chaos of that fucking

crazy comedy

store i man

when i walk up on stage

it takes me a little longer and everybody else

you know when there’s people who walk up on

stage and they have a certain look you

kinda know what they’re

gonna talk about

right so people like are

sorry i’m bored do you

know what i’m saying like john cabrell goes up with a

hat and he looks like

one of the guys from

south parking talks like this you know and it’s like

he’s already kind of like

already in do you know what i’m saying he’s

got handlers

joey diaz goes up he’s hilarious me

right the fuck cocksuckers what are you looking at

my ball loose what’s

going on here

that always takes me like

a couple minutes and i’m fine with that now but when i

first started i always get very like

panicking and then it

sets your set off in a bad direction

but you have this casual

like your act is like

you know i mean

with sam is one of the funniest

guys i’ve worked with he’s really hilarious if you

haven’t seen him do

stand up before

have you seen

him in toronto you know if you seen him in any of the

places we went to you know

but you know

his act is it’s not

you got you don’t

have any fat in your act you’re not trying too hard a

bunch of bits you’re not

doing a bunch of shit that’s

you know like in the beginning of your career

like everybody like i had it everybody has you have a

bunch of bits that you know

you have in there just because they’re in there yeah

you should have probably

cut them out you cut all that shit out you know

your shit is all like what you

think is funny

and how you look at things

so when you go up there

there’s no like you don’t like try to fake them out

right away and get them get them going

you just get into your shit you know

yeah you take your time

you know it takes a few minutes but once you get that

rhythm experience

i love that though i love

watching a guy do that man

i love watching a guy

set up his shit and get into it slowly

i really get uncomfortable when i see someone panicking

you know when i see someone trying too hard or saying a

bunch of shit that’s not real

you know or trying to

force things

that you feel that

you know man i’ll be honest with you dude like you are

you know i love working with you joe because you’re

literally the probably the only person that i can just

do any joke i want unleash it

just throw it out there

and just go for

blood and you just

fucking just grab the wave

and just go

you know and follow i mean i’ve

literally gone on roads with people and had to pull

punches you know and i understand

because you guys love it we’re very similar though your

sense of humor my

sense of humor are very similar so that

when you’re on

stage and you’re killing

you know that

i’m laughing my ass off so when i go on

stage i’m in a good mood like i’m

laughing you know i’m saying

like i feel like

wow this is a fun fucking show this is fun and i just

carry it on

they get rocked

if you don’t have that kind of act

though if you have the kind of act that’s like really

you know like a monologue act or someone who’s like

more sedated who

doesn’t talk

about controversial subjects

the problem is once the cat’s out of the bag

you know like once you

start talking

about wild shit when you’re up there

the guy after you it’s

gonna be really hard for him to be like

sedate it’s

gonna be really hard for him be like middle america

you know fucking

you know for letterman

you know what i mean

there was a time when

i used to struggle

after john cappa

rollo because he was very mainstream lovable and i

go up there with my

weird stuff

and you feel it

right yeah and

there’s like whoa hey whoa whoa whoa

we’re just you know

we like ice

cream do you know what i’m saying like

you can’t convert them yet that’s

what it is you don’t know how to convert them yet

or you didn’t

at the time rather i used to feel that way

about aj jamal

aj jamal was joey

diaz is kryptonite for a long time

aj jamal would go

that’s a funny dude

he’s one of

those guys there’s a few guys

where i go this

doesn’t make any

sense how is this guy not a huge

household i’m with you dude

squeaky clean

hilarious brilliant timing

great writing

fucking super nice guy

super nice friendly guy and

here it is you

know we knew him from the

store from what 10 years ago here he is

he’s not famous you know that’s

crazy to me

i mean dude people like

oh aj jamal killed last time i was like tell me when he

doesn’t kill

that’s why because he

murders rooms dude

he was when we knew him too when he was at the

store a lot like in the

early 2000s

he was an executioner bro

he would go up and

he did a lot of the same material but he

would go up and do 15 minutes of thunder son

and it would be

squeaky clean and perfectly timed out

and you know you

would feel like

especially if you had that like

loose you know

dirty style

where you’re talking shit on stage

you’d feel like unprepared when you go on yeah

you know cause it’s such a totally different

style of comedy really

funny man yeah you always wonder

that dude you know there’s a lot of guys like that man

i always talk

about reggie mcfadden

reggie mcfadden

back in new

york in like the nineties i knew reggie mcfadden

like ninety

three ninety four

he was a destroyer dude he

would go up

squeaky clean

totally digestible for tv

and he would just fucking

crush he was a

monster man

and for whatever reason

it just never connected

i know he got an in living

color like i

think on like the last

season or one of the last

seasons you

know and he

did a little bit on that but for whatever reason he

never took off

when i saw him

i was like 22 or something like that when i

first saw him

i was like whoa this guy’s

gonna be a fucking star

i’m like this guy is so charismatic

his act was

clean i wanted to like him like he

would be on

stage i was like i was

learning from

watching him perform

definitely you know

those guys that you’ve seen

and you go man i

learned something

watching that guy

i need to be more have more fun with this or

i enjoyed that part

about his act you know

how come i’m

like that in my real life but i’m not like that on

stage i need to

learn how to be like myself on

stage like he is you know

and he was one of

those dudes man he just fucking

crushed crushed

you would just be humbled like whoa that guy’s good

and then for whatever reason man i just

never fucking clicked

it never clicked

you know you

never see like

him headlining

these big shows that you hear

about at these theaters and shit like that i don’t even

hear i don’t even know

where he is anymore i don’t know

where he is either

he used to do poppins and i

i was like i don’t know why this guy’s popping

in he’s not really celebrity he was always really

funny but now i

haven’t seen him at the comedy

store in years

yeah yeah he do pop ins he had a little bit

going on back and you know he did a

movie like yeah

although i got very

funny though man

steve white there’s another one

steve white

steve white is fucking hilarious dude

that guy is

one of the most

confusing guys to me that and i know he made

a ton of money off real estate

he became like some

crazy fucking real estate investor and i

think he does like seminars now

i know he had a

radio show for a

while there in vegas

dude that guy was

funny shit he’s another guy guy

should have been a giant

should have been

fucking headlining

everywhere all over the

world you’re talking about a

bunch of people that no one knows about

we’re talking

about comedy you know

yeah but there’s

also something

about what we knew

about these people

yeah but i don’t know

these people

you don’t have to know

we’re talking

about but i’m listening

to you about

comics that we knew that were really

funny we’re describing i know

there’s a lot of

people asking like

how do we know

these people why

would we care

about this who are

these people

brian stop reading that man don’t

bring that up i’m

trying to help

us show it two

hours and 20 minutes don’t

bring up negative shit

you’re bringing up negative shit

these people

saying if they’re not into it we’re talking

about comedy and what’s our history

and to us it’s interesting i

know people that are into comedy it’s

gonna be i know

but you’re also putting on a show

right now yeah bro i know what i’m

doing man stop this don’t fucking tell me what to talk

about all right

i’m fascinated by this hey man what i’m talking

about you’re not helping it’s not helping

bring it up negative shit it’s not helping

it’s interesting to me

and i think i want to give that guy credit

and i want to give aj jamal credit and i want to talk

about all these guys they’re fucking funny

genius guys

you know that helped us when we were coming up

watching all

these different guys

i think that’s one of the most important things

about comedy development is being around a bunch of

other really

funny comedians

you know and like feeding off of each

other and you

know it’s a

blessing too because like being in la

believe it or not the comedy

level so high he’s like

you know i go

on the road even if i’ll go like down the san

diego or something you see what they’re

used to seeing and they’re performing at that level

yeah it’s like

in la you know

you know i had

to i had to

god knows how

many times i had to follow you at the comedy

store it’s like i can’t fuck around with that

you know and all

these other great

comics like

you see what you got to get to and

where you got to operate at

and god knows

i had to follow a lot of guys too and that’s one of the

things that mitzi shore

really helped me and a lot of

other comedians with

she knew how to

schedule guys you know

and she always

would talk to me

about it you

know and i told her i said you know you really made me

you know you

really helped my development as a comedian she goes

i always know

where to put you

you know she

would put me over

after murderers man martin lawrence in his prime he

would go up in the main room and fucking destroy dude

it was back when he had that what was that

movie that he had the concert

movie of him doing stand up

something run something something

crazy wasn’t it you so

crazy or something like that i don’t know some who was

it brian i don’t know

anyway he used to destroy

he would level that main room then i

would go up and i was nobody and i

wasn’t very confident

and people as soon as they saw me they

would get up and leave

but how many times have you done this

story in my life dude for like the

first year i was at the store

andrew dice clay

pretty much bump me

every night

i know man it was brutal

dice dice they were

scheduled him before me a

bunch of times

or me after him rather

a bunch of times you have to go up

after him and i used to listen to his cds

or his cassettes rather they were cassettes

back in the 80s man to

one of my favorite moments is

watching him on new years doing his

nursery rhymes yeah

yeah they see that live when i grew up on that was like

phenomenal that was hbo

special that was live

right from philly wasn’t it

well yeah and then i saw him do it in the

or one time

on new year’s i’m like wow that’s pretty damn cool man

i remember working with him just being like

standing next to him

going holy shit this is dice clay yep

you know to me it’s like

right there with kinesin as far as like the


comics i mean

you know people say he’s an

asshole he just hate comedy and it’s like i don’t care

to me it’s funny

i’m not looking

for him to have

the best philosophy in life and

teach me how to live my life but

he’s made me

laugh hard before

when i was a kid and insulting people at the store

how many times has he just

started attacking dudes oh he attacks his own fans

you’re awesome guys hey fuck you man

dude he’s ruthless he’s ruthless shitting on people

he does not care dude

yeah that that comedy

store environment growing up in that

crazy i used to follow

eddie griffin

after he did

three hours

three hours i’ve seen that i’ve seen you follow him

i saw you follow him at

least twice

after he did

three hours

and the people were just destroyed by the time was over

they had nothing left in them

by the time eddie

eddie would

start off doing material

and then two

hours in he be like

the africans

built the pyramids with sound

see y’all don’t understand

9 11 happened

there was gold

underneath those twin

towers and the

subway ran 24

hours a day okay

like you’d like

leave you like what the fuck is he saying

now i don’t know what’s going on i

think katt williams just came took all this thunder

and then i don’t know man well he had a problem

opening up for certain guys he like

i think it was mike abse i

think he were open for

he was opening for some guys and like they just were

maybe it was katt williams

they were just

not into his shit man

cause he’s got that

style that just shit talk in style

you know he’s like suited to i think

eddie’s like at his best when he’s like in like the

or and it’s like a friday

night and they don’t

expect him and he

goes out but he’s feeling just perfect you got just the

right amount to

drink and just the

right amount

of feeling good he’ll go up there and fucking slay it

but do you remember back when he had his

first hbo appearance

no i was like a

young comedian special or something or def

jam maybe it was def jam yes it was def jam and he

fucking destroyed

eddie griffin

was one of the most fucking charismatic and

powerful stand ups ever for like a

short period of time

you would go to see like

his his like hbo performance when he was on def jam

at the time like the impact that it have i remember

watching it being like whoa this guy’s fucking talented

just powerful and dynamic and all this energy and woo

and good man it was good fucking material

but somewhere

along the line

he just went crazy

i don’t know what did it and he do

three hours and

forty five minutes of it was

gold dude there was some really

funny as shit he

would say shit sometimes it

would make me go this

guy like in spurts is like one of the funniest ever

one of the funniest ever

do you ever

heard his bit

about alexander graham bell

do a bit about cocaine

that alexander

graham bell invented the telephone

he’s like you

gotta be has

a motherfucker

wanna talk to someone who ain’t even there

that’s funny as shit

how much coke you

gotta do before you like

i wanna talk to some nigga ain’t even here

it’s a funny bit man

he had some

funny fucking shit but it was bursts of it you know

bursts of genius followed by all this time i just

think like in la like when you’re doing like a sets

like people can only take so much

and like three hours nobody

could take three hours of anybody i don’t think anybody

would you ever want to hear what do you

think about like these chappelle

know and these dane cook sets

what do you guys think about those sets

where dudes do like six

seven hours

i hate it i think it’s the

worst idea ever i think i think less is always more

i always found it interesting that day that dane

always got like a bad

you know energy

from that and then for the longest time nobody cared

about dave chappelle no one

would ever be like fucking chappelle bump me

they’d be like yeah chappelle went up did

three hours it was awesome

well he seems now it’s kind of

changed but

at the time

right after the chappelle show

especially after he left he was like this

martyr for comedy

you know because everybody would

heard that like the

the comedy central suits were fucking with his show and

trying to get him to stop saying nigger and trying to

sell more advertising and they wanted to give him more

money there’s a

big 50 million

dollar deal and he just went fuck you and walked away

and i think

everybody just he became the messiah

you know every

comic was like wow

that guy’s a real fucking

comic like he

really walked away from 50 million dollars

who the fuck walks away from 50 million dollars

who gets in a fucking

plane and just goes to africa

so for us like he embodied

everything that a real

comic is supposed to be

dude’s a genius comedian

hilarious as

fuck had the funniest show in the history of

television dude

dude it like

changed the way people thought

yeah i mean it was that i mean like

stuff that he did on that show became part of lexicon

you know what i’m saying

yeah i’m rich

bitch how many people just

would yell that out

how many people

would yell out fuck your couch

you know how many people

would yell out all that stuff that

stuff became

so it just it just

it had an impact that like nothing else did man

and so when he stepped away from that

and everybody was like wow he really

doesn’t give a fuck

do you think

hollywood’s mad at him at all

like if you killed like the golden

goose no you

think it was all fake

no he can sell so much man he can do whatever he wants

i don’t think he gives a fuck

if he wanted to sell out stadiums dude he

could sell out stadiums he’s not trying

he’s showing

up at comedy clubs like unannounced and shit

he’s showing up and doing

guest spots and shit and

going up for a couple

hours here and there

where he’s not even like having people

pay to see him he’s not doing that many real shows he’s

an interesting

motherfucker man

very interesting

but i think that’s really why everybody

doesn’t care

that he goes up like we all want to see him

you know he represents to a lot of

comics like he’s

the embodiment of what you’re supposed to be he’s like

the richard pryor of our

generation yeah the guy who goes up and

and everybody wants to sit and

watch them you know

is your favorite

comic who’s your favorite

comic uh i’ve

david tells one of my favorites

i just love the way he

writes in his like tags are really good i like

you stan hope

bill burton

and you know

nick swartson i

think is really fucking

funny his specials one of the only specials

i like for some reason i can’t

watch comedy man i don’t know what it is

i’ve been watching

i don’t know man so i’ll

watch like clumps but

somehow i got through his

whole entire special

laughing my ass off man

yeah he’s really

funny dude that that fucking thing

that he says

we said if i was gonna

commit suicide i want everybody to be really confused

after it was over

like pull out a gun and go

who fucking farted

boom and blow my brains out

that’s hilarious shit dude and

he’s got great

stage presence and delivery

i was in minneapolis and he was there too as when brock

lesnar was fighting

and it was the

night before we did a show at the fine line

music cafe and

swartzen came to the show

and he just walked on

stage while i was on stage

he’s like one of

those dudes

who like i love

him so much he’s so fun to be around i’m always

happy to see him

like one of the few dudes that

would show up and then just walk on

stage and i just give him the

microphone and give him a hug

you know what i mean like i’d be

happy it’s like

for him it was like a cool

thing yeah yeah yeah

on stage he’s a

great guy great guy

i used to do beecher’s madhouse at the hard rock and

vegas and he came out and

partied one

night and then he just disappeared yeah

and he showed up the next day and he’s like

i’m like where’d you go he goes you don’t

wanna know and i’m like you know what i don’t

wanna know i

don’t he’s a fun dude man he’s a

great guy man but he’s one of

those guys like he

could probably do that to you he

would go on

stage and you’d be

happy to see him on

stage with you

what are you doing man

but how many guys are like that there’s so few

you know yeah

i don’t know anybody who i would

be comfortable

going on stage on their show

i don’t know anybody

i would never

do that with you walk something

like what the fuck man

right i would

never do that

with you like if you were doing a show somewhere

i came to watch

i would never go on

stage and just like

assume that you were

gonna give me the

microphone i’d

start talking to be like

dude what the

fuck you don’t do enough shows yeah yeah yeah

you wanna come

steal my thunder

motherfucker what are you doing

what happened

to jen kirkman she has a comic last

night she went off on her twitter because she had a 30

minute spot at the improv

and somebody went on

stage she didn’t say who it was

jumped on stage and didn’t

but she was going

crazy both on the

you know the improv

on the comics

but you read her shit jim

kirkman you read her

i don’t know he was

a contestant

or he worked for her last comic

standing but she

never said she

wouldn’t say who it was a greg geraldo

no no no it wasn’t

great so how much time did they do

i like i don’t know i don’t know but you

check her twitter it’s pretty unlike

days on that

show but i like

trouble i like droldo

too it’s that’s life man

you know comics

gonna go on before you bump you

especially no one knows who the fuck you are

i’m so numb to it man

it’s amazing

how everyone gets so

angry and i am so numb

to getting bumped it’s a test man it’s a test

for comics it’s good for you

when you’re

starting out it’s not good when you get to a certain

level and people are paying to see you and someone

contrary to your

point of view goes on and goes up you know

like monsea

you know i’m saying you want your

great monsea story

i was headlining the addison improv

and i’m sitting there in the back office

and all of a

sudden i see brad

williams walking i’m like hey brad i’m like oh fuck

in walks fucking

carlos monsea

he fucking does

thirty minutes

i can’t even get away from him in

dallas does

thirty minutes before me

doesn’t even ask me

like doesn’t he hey dude you mind if i do

thirty minutes

doesn’t even ask

just assumes he’s

doing it does it on purpose he did it to put you in

place i mean that’s what he did this man

to everybody goes up there

right i i tell him i go if he goes over

thirty minutes i ain’t

going on stage

he gets off at

twenty seven minutes

he’s killing

and he goes

thank you guys so much

place goes nuts

and they go all

right he goes are you

right for your next comedian

and the whole

place literally goes

like someone’s got foul this

this is crazy

i walk to the

stage he introduces me i’m walked to stage

he doesn’t wait for me to be

to get to the stage

he literally

i never seen anyone do this before

runs like a full

sprint off the

stage to the side

to his left

leaves the stage

empty i go up

to make you feel uncomfortable

i get up there i got this joke

i always drop when i file big name somewhere drop it

place goes nuts i kill for

forty five minutes like the

crowd was like we can fucking do this you know what i’m

saying you were

funny you know they didn’t know they

probably a lot

of them didn’t know who you were they were just

going to see some comedy and they

maybe heard your name or something like that

but he was just national headliner

guy just destroyed

oh and just trying to

bury me of course

that’s what he loves to do he’s a sick person man

you know the

the marc marin

podcast was fascinating

listen to it because it’s like listening to a

crazy person

the crazy thing is he bumped marin

marin was at

the improv once he bumped marin for like an hour

marin didn’t even say anything to him till the second

podcast you know the

first time i didn’t

bring it up like hey why’d you bump me for an hour

i forgot yeah

how the fuck you forget that

see that whole

thing about that

video is man it’s like

he brought that all on himself dude

like the new

video is the craziest thing ever

that’s just

just flat out positions that’s like

where he is

where you are it’s obvious who was on

stage for you know i’m saying it’s like

i mean you were there before you left and you came back

right yes so he brought that on

self i don’t see why

this situation of

bullying or anything like that that’s just marin being

silly maris a

contrary and

he’s always trying to find some fucking unique

angle that other people that be

that’s my biggest problem so you can’t complain

about and i love man

you can’t complain

about joke stealing

and then well

he did a lot of dumb shit not only did he complain

this is what marin did marin compared it

to people being

influenced by people

there are other people that

sound like people which is

i’ve been guilty of we’ve all been guilty yeah

i think everybody else yeah when you get

influenced by

people but that’s not plagiarism there’s a huge

fucking difference between that and plagiarism it’s a

ridiculous comparison

and the other

thing that he said was that

i thought was really kind of fucked up was like that

he made it through comedy did

everything to comedy

had a lot of hard work and you can’t

take away the fact that

he worked hard like what the fuck are you talking about

you’re talking

about a guy who’s

stealing and then he also said

that he thought that the

video should have been released that we

should have handled

this within the community

this is all

coming from a guy who’s got a fucking podcast for four

hours talking

about it he

started a ten

minute video

and he’s got

a podcast talking about it

more than one occasion it’s

ridiculous it’s just a silly

marin’s fucking

silly karma bro

that’s what that was look man

nobody wanted that to happen you

know i just wanted him to not be there i wanted

him to not do what he was doing we didn’t want to

set out to try to fucking destroy somebody

we had a problem we had to deal with but

how bad was the

store how many times have you

seen people

freak the fuck out because that guy was in the back

of the room oh dude

i did the funniest thing

about him is like he’s so easy to follow

if like if i see

did my material

it’s so easy to follow

but you don’t want to do your good shit

because in the room

right so i just go to

crowd work and sometimes it goes

great and sometimes it

doesn’t i just

you know that was what was missing from this

whole discussion

the real problem with having something

like that is not whether or not anyone’s free of

guilt the real problem is

what the situation is is someone

who is ruining an artistic environment and creating a

bunch of stress and tension

all for their own personal gain

and this isn’t respected by the

other people

that are selling

the art form the people that are owning the comedy club

the people that are like the only reason why a comedy

club is open it’s not just a

place to buy drinks

it’s a place to

watch comedians perform

and here you got someone

who’s actively

victimizing the

other participants

in this community that keeps you

alive and you’re letting that person for

short term i don’t get it i don’t

get it it’s

cause they’re not

artists they’re selling art

they are not artists they don’t respect it

the way an artist respects it you know and

and you know just

things he said on that podcast

in terms and

see is just

you know it’s like

he sits still

he actually says he

doesn’t sit in the room

he sits in the room

texting who

you texting you’re texting yourselves i mean it’s like

if you really wanted people not to

hate you anymore you would

never go in the room when you

weren’t performing

i have this theory dude

like if you’re

a guy who’s been doing comedy over like 10 to 12 years

and you’re like

watching like open mics

you’re probably there

fishing for material

you could be or you

could be a really

curious person wants to see the beginnings

again and see

horrible failures and see like what it feels like to

watch somebody like real

on nervous and uncomfortable to sit there the whole

night and just

who knows you know i mean i’m not saying that anybody

watching an open mic night is

definitely a thief but

it’s suspect

you can cherry pick some

great ideas that people don’t know how to work

in an open mic

night right i mean

how many times you

watch an open mic

mic or go wow that’s a good idea he’s not doing it

right but that’s a

great fucking idea

i usually go tell him how to

tweak it yeah

that’s a nice

thing to do man

i’ve had people do that to me

and it’s really cool when someone comes up to you like

louis ck was the last one to do that to me

he saw my set and

afterwards he actually

wrote a bunch of shit down

and he gave me a couple of cool ideas that’s

cool wow that’s a

that’s another cool

thing he’s a

great guy i

think he’s the best

right now as far as like

he’s the most prolific you know

and patton as well patton’s another one who i

think is fucking

genius yeah i

think patton’s very funny

i have this

whole thing

about alternative comedy

and i find it very funny

because like you know

almost like the

mount rushmore of alternative comedy

which is like

pat and sarah silverman

david cross

and zach alphonakis

they’re funny people they have set up they have

punchline there’s no alternative

to it ari shaffir

and i had the

exact same conversation yesterday

for a long time what is alternative comedy how are

these mainstream comedians talk about

mainstream subjects

and they do it in

stand up comedy form how is that alternative like

it’s so hard to define

what alternative comedy is

well i just think it’s

as far as i can tell it’s a look now

yeah it’s like you have a vibe

look i don’t

because like i did the vancouver comedy festival

with the vivid

video comedy tour it was me

two porn stars

and nerds it was all nerds

and i would watch like

their sets and they

talk about this shit i’ve

heard everybody talk about

but they did it with

glasses on reading off a notebook

it’s like the

closest thing to alternative comedy might be

is it tim and eric’s

great show good job

those guys are brilliant

yes but they’re not

going for your normal like

setup punch

that might be alternative like almost

any coffman this yes like

they’re brilliant

dude brilliant have you ever seen that

video they did with that i don’t even know

dance floor

dale did you ever

see that one no that’s the

greatest one of all time is that

where they’re

grinding at

your fucking they fuck and it’s all

psychedelic and

crazy neon and they’re jumping in fucking

dude it’s amazing humbling humbling

humbling humbling

that’s like real alternative comedy i completely

agree with you

the rest of it is just like

it’s like come on man you’re on

stage with notes and that makes it alternative

it’s what they’ve done is

they’ve created

an environment

where they can go

with zero performance

yes on purpose

and they don’t like people that perform

which is understandable

some people like soft music

some people like real calm soft

music no that’s some

people like metal

it’s all a choice

issue i like

all sorts i like i like jeff foxworthy man called

crazy but i

think he’s funny i think

that dude is

funny bro yes i

think so i could dig

ellen degeneres man back in the day

watching her

especially the

cable guy he’s got some

great fucking jokes

i like a wide range of

stuff some people get very

particular about

the comedy about

music about comedy

about literature

about everything you know

it’s a lot of shit to

enjoy man it

doesn’t have to be exactly your

speed for you to

enjoy it there’s a lot of shit that’s good

that doesn’t necessarily

resonate with how you

would do it but

still i enjoy it

the only people that

drive me crazier are the

clean nazis

especially if they’re like the filthiest people off

stage yes you’re making a business decision that’s fine

you make that decision

but don’t get mad at me because i’m me on stage yeah

i’m just it’s amplified but still me

i get that a lot they like yeah

they get upset at you because oh yeah talk

about talking cock too much hey douchebag i think

about that all

right i’m gonna talk

about whatever i want to

you talk about whatever you want to don’t worry

about me it’s

so funny the idea that there’s something bad

about swear words

it’s so juvenile

all words are artificial we make words

so we can relay what we’re seeing

and there’s all sorts of adjectives that are just as

ridiculous the idea that

freakin’s okay like

clean people say

freakin this

freaking guy

and they feel

clean and free of any

wrongdoing but if you say fucking with the same story

someone out there you

screwing up yeah it’s so

weird right

and if you look like

music movies

everything else is so

dirty now and now like

there’s very little

clean comedy left though

that’s not very common anymore

there’s the christian base

is funny people of

faith was a tour that was

going on through the

it was through the improv chains

and it was at the

arizona improv

well there’s a

woman who does

like comedy

based on the

bible and she does like arenas

oh that’s hilarious

yeah i’ve seen guys do that too there was a guy

named brad stein

who was really not very funny

in my opinion back

in the day he just was like real hacky and just gross

well he became this

really right wing christian comic

and just started

crushing and

selling out

giant places and selling books and

i got a cd i bought it at a used record store

just because i was curious

it was one of the strangest cds i’ve ever

heard in my life it

completely devoid of humor

but just like

weird cheerleading

right wing god fearing cheerleading

like it was so bizarre

but i always laugh at

those people

cause eventually

they’d be they’re

human and it catches up with them well they

start doing ok

they start banging

chicks and like

ted haggard

yeah yeah yeah like

who’s that one priest

right now that’s from

he’s in houston

he talks like this

and he’s like

he plays like a stadium his church is like a stadium

there are a lot of those in

texas man and i

believe in everybody

and it’s like dude i’m like

i look in his eyes and i go that guy’s seen darkness

he’s selling

something but there’s some darkness lurking bro

ted haggard pulled

it off for a long time before he got busted who knows

how many guys are out there that are

gonna get caught that george

wrecker’s guy that was the head of the christian

right he was

joel osteen

right ost yeah

joel osteen dude that guy and i hear

he’s a nice guy but dude there’s darkness lurking bro

my tebow records that guy

every week and i have no idea why he just

started recording it so i’ll sit in bed and just

watch it sometimes just

out of curiosity and that

shit’s creepy

and you see that you do

the lord your life son

you need to load your

life and his wife’s got that big hair and big makeup

crazy shit man

texas is so interesting because they got that

crazy politics but they’re the funniest people to

party with oh they’re the best same thing

better than like drinking

drinking in dallas

drinking in austin

so you can find some

great drinking partners in austin have some fucking fun

yeah man but that pots illegal man

you get fucking thrown in jail for pot there it’s so

stupid it’s a

they gotta fix that it’s

texas texas

should be sucking the fucking

corporate dick of america like that

texas is supposed to be the fucking only

place that can like

isn’t it supposed to be legally able to secede from the

union because it’s a republic of

texas or something

crazy like that

religious roles and and

big business got hand in hand

you know i’m saying well i do know but it’s like so

funny that people

reagan reagan in the 80s connected everything

wholesome to religion and you know the

whole right wing

you know religion

christian movement

really got involved in politics during the reagan era

they realized they

could tap into

those dummies and

start selling them shit

you know selling them

god guns in

country and they just pushed it and ran with it

it’s so amazing it’s amazing it’s amazing

because they’re the people that give the fuck the

least about the common man

you know corporations are

the last people that love the terminators dude

they really are man

they do not care

tam tripoli this is an epic

long show this

is the longest show we’ve ever done here can

we break it or do we do

it you know what we were

ready to wrap it up to but we got reinvigorated talking

about stand up comedy

and the comedy store

and that’s one of the

things i love

about you sam

tripley you’re a real fierce fucking comedian you’re

the real deal you’re out there really doing it i’m

patrick swayze of

there’s a lot of dudes who you know they could be

stand up comedians or they

could be fucking

insurance salesman or whatever you’re a fucking

stand up comic you know

you’re the real deal dude

thanks man it’s always an

honor the props my brother

hang out with you too man you’re two my favorite people

and always love

going on the road with you man

yeah well we’re

gonna tear it up

again july 2nd

ladies and gentlemen

sam and i will be at the

house of blues in

mandalay bay

is the the night before the

ufc and we’re

gonna have fucking

party it on and

tomorrow night

sam tripoli has his show at the melrose

improv in hollywood

eight p m the naughty show

it’s a fucking pisser

i’ve seen it

ladies and gentlemen

i loved it you’ll love it

thank you for tuning in

we will see you guys next

week most likely tuesday same bat time same bat channel

thank you again as always we

appreciate you this show just keeps growing

every week and we’re

enjoying the shit out of doing it

and i’m just

very happy that everybody’s

enjoying it

and i keep meeting people on the road that love it and

it means a lot to me

and i’m glad you love it and we’re not

gonna stop so

thank you guys take care

talk to you soon

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