The Joe Rogan Experience #28 - Joey Diaz

ladies and gentlemen

the one the only joey coco diaz aka

mad flavor what’s

happening tuesday afternoon off the 101

has joined the podcast that’s

right with brian

red ban the master

blaster reicle

what’s up and

ladies and gentlemen we are still

sponsored by the

flashlight before we even get

started we got to talk

about the rubber

vagina that we use on a weekly i’ve been

using it weekly

especially weekly

how many times a double day

doubled twice a day now

one to the fucking

thing is falling

apart falling

apart you fucking

that tropical hummid

juice that’s

coming out of your helmets fucking killing that

stuff you know i’m saying

yeah plus he’s got barnacles on his dick yeah

it’s gonna happen

sometimes yeah it’s from the

rubber burn

sometimes you

whack off and you

leave it on your leg you wake up next morning there’s a

big red spot like the fucking oil

spill is like a fucking

stain that’s

when you know you

gotta eat more carrots or something you

gotta eat a carrot or a bowl of fucking soup

it was like

ufc one fourteen everybody’s feet were

fucking yellow did you notice that it wasn’t me what

everybody when they pick up

their feet when they were in

like the guard

their feet were fucking yellow

they gotta study

more oranges

after the weighing cock suckers

never mind that powdered

water drink

anyway their

feet are yellow i don’t know what it was

that’s weird

maybe it was a weed you were smoking me

tape you never know i always

look at the

fighters in the eyes i

never look at their feet

yeah i’m not a baby i’m not looking at their feet

i’m just saying they’re

wrestling they’re in that

guard somebody’s

punched them

their feet are

up and i’m like

dude that guy’s got fucking jaundice

yeah you know what i’m saying

you got big

foot fetish don’t you

no i was just

thinking about it

you often talk

about feet a lot i don’t like feet

touching me like that’s why i

would go to jiu

jitsu like if a man’s foot touches me i have a fucking

heart attack i really

would yeah get

their feet in your face and you

that’s just something you have to deal with

and you’re sweaty

and their feet are

sweaty feet

literally on your face

all the time

always have

their feet on my face i was

watching i was

watching my

dudes toenails

i was watching an old

fight last night

and they were

going for a heel hook and i was getting

grossed out

really just

watching just

watching i touch his feet

i can never imagine like

grabbing tate’s

can i’m saying like getting a fucking

tate with the show

nail polish i’d have a fucking

heart attack

so if you were

gonna fight in the octagon you’d want to wear

socks oh like

chuck liddell

at legends you ever see

chuck liddell

at fucking ten plan that


combat boots

socks on really he wears little socks like

chuck’s a fucking dude like that i love all that stuff

i wonder why he wear socks

well maybe he

doesn’t want to get his feet funky

the the mats at

legend sometimes people walk on them

i love more the old

place the new

place is actually

separate what

killed me with

jiu jitsu was that they said over at the place

a lot of people show up there

at from work directly

like they’ve been working

twelve hours having wash that ass

right and they go

jiu jitsu dog if i

catch a whiff of ass

in my face with

somebody else i’m

gonna be pissed off joe

and i can’t handle it you couldn’t handle a

north south position some

people no no i

would fucking die an armpit in my face with

an onion in it

i think i called it that position

smell your butt oh that’s a horrible

fucking position to turn the broadcast

cause that’s what it is

a guy is basically holding

onto your hips and he’s got his ass in your face

and he’s holding you down

and it’s a fight

and he’s allowed to punch why

would you want to do this

seriously man it’s like i get nervous when people

sit next to me at mcdonald’s you know like man there’s

another chair

right there go away

you know and you guys are like putting butts and

that’s the weird thing

about jujitsu too is you go into like a life and

death struggle

with some guy you just met five minutes ago

yeah you’re like what’s up man how you doing

wanna roll okay let’s roll

you slap hands

and next thing you know you’re trying to strangle each

other what a

great sport

that’s what’s weird

but everyone who does it is cool though that’s the

thing is like

it seems like it

would be like kind of a fucked up

thing to do

but the people that do it are so friendly and cool

and everyone’s

been tapped everyone’s been through the ringer

everyone knows what it is

you just go out there and do it

so it’s even

though it seems like you’d be like a douchey

thing it’s actually very easy

it’s very fun

you know it seems like you’d be like

you know you’d be

sweating it

but just do it you know

you do it for so long it’s just a part of your day

but what if you didn’t know joey

diaz and you’re like all

right you and joey

are going to it’s how

gross today and i’m

sorry about the air conditioner it’s broken it’s

120 degrees oh

sometimes we have the windows open

because it’s hot as fuck in there

i’ve dropped 80

pounds and it’s affected my stomach

which means my ball sack

three sizes bigger than the last time you

the other day i stumble so your

stomach somehow was sucking your ball sack what

was taking the pocket was taking the

effect and sucking

taking the effect

of ball sack you know i’m saying

like it’s fucking amusement

if you got a

firecracker hear the explosion here i’m not

gonna look at the fucking firecrack i’m

gonna look at the explosion

so ever since i lost the

other day i

stumbled by a

mirror you know sometimes you walk past the moon

you’re like wow what happened

and i looked at my ball sacking on my dog if i ever had

i could use it as a colostomy bag it

could double like if i ever have a brock

lesnar fuck it

don’t put a bag in me

it’s fucking gigantic my balls

and my dick

still got the size and the endurance but

the ball sack

doesn’t even

like i lost like three

pounds on the ball sack

which makes the ball sack tighter

it’s fucking huge

his balls i put

the dick up and pulled it out joey diaz is

famous for showing his balls

famous for showing his balls at the comedy

store showing them on stage

just walk around

pulling them out on people because they’re

ridiculous they really do like

they look like oranges

like oranges is in an old

ladies pantyhose

that’s what it

looks like not believe how different they

they’re fucking

giant man they’re like this

giant why is it that

comics all show

always love to show

their dicks and balls

there’s no other

profession i

think that you like

i didn’t work at gateway was

like all computer salesman love ball showing hey i was

i was listening to opie and anthony the

other day and louis

ck was on he was telling a

story about jay moore

jay moore was on

an airplane with him once when he was like really young

and jay moore goes if i pull out my dick we spit on it

and he goes it goes from

then i because i fucking hated him because i was so mad

because i actually like him as a person

he goes but it was just you fucking

fake faggot

put your penis away

it’s really funny

but the fucking question’s pretty

funny too if i pull up my dick

would you spit on it

i mean it might have been

even funny if he just went yeah yeah pull your dick out

you know why is it though

out of comics are fucked up man

we want to do the most we want to do the inappropriate

thing all the time

that’s what it is the way a guy becomes a comic is

all your life people have been telling you shut up

that’s mean don’t say that

you know you’re looking at the

wrong way and you know get a job

that’s what

everybody tells comics

so once they become actual comics

they just can’t wait to do what they’re

not supposed to do all the time they just want to pull

their dick out all the time

they want to say

stupid shit they want to sing on the airplane

joey did those

weird man talk

about that because

that was i thought we were really

going to jail

i thought we were really

going to jail

that they were setting us up for a

minute yeah

you know what’s crazy

let’s explain what happened we were on a

plane we’ve done this

twice we’re on a

plane and joey says that he’s with the band 10 foot

screws he would like to get on the pa

we like to get on the pa and sing a song for everybody

this is how

this is how high we are when we fly okay

i mean he gets on the fucking pa

one two one two ladies and gentlemen

he starts breaking into notorious big

but with no swears

and no one knows what to do

and there’s people like staring at

their kids and they’re so confused hey

ladies and gentlemen we have a

short presentation by the band 10 foot

screws yeah

then they just let us do it and everyone on the

plane was sitting there like

well i should even say us

cause if joey

goes to jail i do not want to go down with you

i should now be saying us yeah we

were against it and we

were totally

against it you were not

against it you guys are just sitting there like what is

going on i couldn’t believe

you not only did it there you did it coming back

yeah you did it on two different flights yeah and

these are jets

these aren’t like propeller

planes this is alola

i remember the

mother that was sitting next to us with the kid

and the kid was

laughing and smiling it

was a church camp and her mom was yeah

church and the

girl was like 12 and she’s just looking at the camera

cause i’m filming it she’s looking at the camera like

hehe this is naughty

you know and you’re talking you’re rapping over pa

that poor kid was loving the

chaos wasn’t she

post 9 11 too yeah it’s not

11 this is like what was it 2004 something like that

2005 yeah you can

find it online what was it joe show if you

googled joe show joey diaz

ready to die

yeah that’s what it is that it yeah joey

diaz ready to die

google it’s on youtube

that one’s genius

yeah that’s the best

you can also see it in talking monkeys in

space your dvd that’s out

right now on amazon

oh yeah yeah that that’s in the

video you made right

right yeah it’s called talking

monkeys in columbus it’s one of the dvd

extras joey

talked on the fucking pa

on two planes

not just talk

sang songs and had


clapping along

it was fucking

weird it was

weird that was

weird that they let us

after 9 11 they just

went with it

they just went

with it how did we even know how did she know

i don’t know but it was not american airlines

what was it oh

the ultimate doom

i think they

should have people do shit like that more

often some girl got on the airplane the other day

in canada and air canada and

sang a song

like some funny song

about your luggage it was pretty funny

you know and she was

pretending that she was trying out for a canadian idol

and everybody gives her a big

round of applause i’m like oh come on really is this

chick really gonna sing

and she got on the pa

had this little

funny song prepared it was

great it was fun

it’s the yeah

what you mean does everybody have to be

quiet you know once you shut your ipad off it

should be anything goes

bro nobody breaks a

man out in a flight like me one time we were flying

and i fought it next to joe rogan

one of those fucking brock lesnar

fights farts

those four day fucking protein

shake that the one when you were

watching the antonio banderas

thing that you kept waking up you

couldn’t know if it was a nightmare

i was writing too

while i was writing he was farting and

i put it in the blog

his fart was so bad i had to put it in the blog entry

that was the

happy pills i did not miss that because i mean

you guys but

tate i missed

tate was really big and he

ate protein

all the times and he was always like a man handler

like you’d be like

come here bro

and he would

fart on you

and he would like

literally torture me with

his fart fucking

pretty times

worse than my

best father

was the one at the bookstore in houston when i farted

and it bounced off the library shelves

on the second

floor fucking up

what was the name of that bookstore in houston

i know what you’re talking

about you were

sitting in a

chair like we’re

reading a magazine

i was like what the

fuck joe did

that’s still not as good as tate’s

at the comic

store in san diego

the comic store

in la jolla

he farted in the lobby

everybody it was like somebody lit it on fire

people were

running from it man they were running from it

that was when we were

started right by the door yeah

no it was yeah same weekend

he farted right by the door

and like ran towards the bar

his farts had this

aroma in the middle of the fart like

first you get a hold of the fart

that soak around you for like four or five seconds

then this complete

other thing

would evolve that would just

climb into your nose hands

and you had to step out of that fucking zone

and then when you came back into that zone you

still smelt the fart

in a post boredom pipe way it was there

but not really

his farts were fucking real

he said he ate bars with a chemical malamar

his farts had a better

credit rating than me

oh my god his farts were fucking

thick like he

could smell the root of the fucking asshole

like they’re real oh

god they were living species and he

would laugh his ass off he

would turn bright red with laughter

because part of it was he thought it was

funny and part of it was

shame it was all mixed together with horror

because everybody was dying screaming

i don’t care

what you say this part of you no one’s comfortable with

smelling that bad

you can pretend all you want man

you can cut the kind of farts that this dude would cut

oh my god you really

never experienced anything like it it’s like

unless you’ve been around a dude like that

it’s like pointless to talk to people

about it like yeah yeah fart

stink no no

no no you don’t

understand this is like fucking gas

warfare yeah

dude would hurt

you man i was like assault you

the kid when i was growing up ferny

basociuto his family owned the restaurant

bns fucking what’s his name franny

ferny basociuto

he was puerto rican in

cuba and his

mother made pork chops

every day you

go in there and destroy your fucking stomach

but bernie had the same type of farts as tape

that’s a complete different animal a fart

that fart grabs you

i get to go home and change your shit

oh tate would just light

up would light up an airplane you

could hear people in like

20 rows back on jesus

you remember

that you remember that and you

would look back and take whatever his headphones on

sunglasses on

just a big smile on his face

fucking chewing gum

and ripping the most horrendous farts known to man

i put his farts up against anyone that’s ever lived yep

tough okay the fart

time when antonio banderas oh when i farted your

lady go oh my god yeah

i put that in the blog

oh i put in the blog i was in the middle of writing

and just added

i know where

i see joey do this just lean away from me a little bit

just a little lean

and when joey

oh no soon as i realize what he’s doing just

clearing away

you cartoon

lifting up and

actually make

the motions and

stuff like that

do you i do that all the time

especially when i’m by myself

oh yeah i mean

unless i want you to know i’m farting

you know if i’m trying to

sneak out a fart and not take the

blame for it

which i’ll do occasionally

then i’ll just sit

still have you ever

cuffed your hand

oh in the shower and made donald duck

not donald duck i inhaled that fart

there’s something

right to the fucking

sleep back it’s

very satisfying

about farting in a pool or a bathtub as well oh yeah i

farted the irvine

in problem i

thought you get so high you on the wall and you

think like i was

watching you

and i’m like ain’t nobody walking by me and i cut apart

and also i turned around a waitress is coming

down with a

trigger fucking glasses

and i’m like poor girls and they know it’s you

who the fuck you the only

thing next to a

smell of shit

you say it’s 20 feet of shit

that’s a terrible

film when someone walks over and you bust

it you just didn’t plan it out you thought you were

in the solo yeah

one time i went to bob hope medical center

and they did an

ekg on me and as they were picking me up was a

small office as they were picking me up

a little fart came out of my ass i just went

and the doctor and the

nurse just sit there and looked at each other

and i got up real

quick and blocked them

let me tell you something when

you find a little doctor’s office and it kept expanding

it was one of

those tape farts they just kept getting thicker

when they know

it’s you it’s fucking embarrassing you know what i

think is interesting

the whole the idea

especially amongst

comics that you’re not supposed to talk

about farts

that somehow another farts

it’s like a

cheap laugh on stage

but is it even is it even a

cheap i mean

is it not a part of how you look at the world

i mean farts are in there they’re in the mix

i guess it’s like airplanes

if it’s about farts it’s been said

you know airplanes you know patton

did a joke pat naswal did a joke on his latest cd about

going on jet blue it’s an airplane joke and i fucking

loved it it’s an airplane joke

about all the airplanes like a sky bus now

i don’t care

if it’s a subject that’s been beaten i want to get

your take on the subject i agree

yeah and patton’s joke on airplanes was i mean

and lucy kate did one recently on conan i

think right no not conan on

who’d he do it on

and he did like a

whole was it on leno

mighty did online

you know it’s

funny though is that we were talking

about farts

and airplanes but yet we just got done talking

about farting on airplanes

that’s fascinating

you know that’s like too

what is it what i was

gonna say is what is about like

things like farts

where like you know if you talk

about it it’s like a

cheap laugh

and a lot of times it is a

cheap laugh like bad comics

but when it’s

telling the truth

you know when it’s you

like you talked

about farts on

stage before

and and had me fucking crying

laughing it’s the

truth and if anybody

smelt one of

tate’s farts

you would look at farts

completely different

and it wouldn’t be a hacking situation

well it’s i mean it’s

still one of

those things

where you you know

i think a lot of

comics are always

worried about what

other people

especially other

comics think

about their material

so they’re scared to talk

about anything even if it’s not they’re really thinking

about if it’s like a

tired premise

they don’t want to talk

about it even if it’s you have your own unique

point of view and they just don’t want to

touch on it

but i don’t

think that’s good either man

i think you give your

if you give yourself any restrictions

i mean you could be

dwelling on the dumbest fucking

thing in the

world like the

most obvious premise but if you’re actually

dwelling on it you

should even address the fact that this is obviously a

stupid premise

why am i fucking

obsessed with this

but you know that’s like when you

start cutting out subjects and like fucking you know

like how many

comics play to the back of the room

right how many

comics do comedy

instead of for

their own like this is

their own personal viewpoint to do it

so that other

comics will like them you know

i mean how many guys remember remember the beginning

open mic days there were dudes that

would only make

comics laugh

a lot of guys they got

stuck in this like weird spot

where they all

their audience was

comics they

would be good at making

comics lab but regular audience members would just

you know the

comics wanted to see something fucked up

how high are you joey

yeah he’s talking

joey gs just kicked in and he sat back

whenever joey sits back let me tell you something

whenever joey sits back like this and

crosses his fingers on his chest he’s fucking gone

he’s gone he’s on another planet

right now no i went to acupuncture

then got stoned and we smoked that

stuff you had and that put me

right the fuck over the wall do you worry

do you ever think about what you’re talking about on

stage or do you just write out what you’re thinking

about like do you ever look at and go hmm

maybe this isn’t a subject for me

maybe i shouldn’t touch this

there’s maybe

three subjects i won’t touch on

stage just because of personal references

and i’m a failure for not

touching them

really you feel like a failure

for not touching

them because i’m letting my emotion get involved

what are they

i don’t like abortion talk

that’s a tough that’s a tough subject

like i don’t like

kids with aids and punching kids yeah

i’m not a big fan of that either

even though i’ve talked

i’ve said shocking shit like that before that was mean

and funny but

probably comics it’s a weakness yeah it’s not it should

go up and cover

every spectrum of life

right but maybe you just don’t find humor

i don’t find humor

i don’t want to talk about a rape i don’t have a

i talk about fucking people in the ass and eat ass

i’ve never mentioned the word rape

you know word rape makes my fucking neck a

stick up every time

so that’s you know yeah well then that’s

just you though that’s that’s that’s just you there’s

no reason that’s real

i don’t think so man

i don’t think so i

think i think you know you talk

about what you want to talk

about i don’t

think there’s anything

wrong with that you know the

fuck wants to dwell

on it gnarly

should have

kidnap oh yeah

you told the

truth about

going to prison what

i just cannot talk

being coked up holding the guy down with a machine gun

i can’t listen

to fucking you know

i totally understand what you’re saying

yeah it’s a

tricky situation man and i have nothing

you know what

who does it you know what gets me

about abortion here’s what gets me

about the abortion subject

it’s like there’s two signs okay there’s one sign

where you are you

know you’re pro life

and you don’t

think that people

should be allowed to have abortions and that there’s

other options

and that it’s killing its murder

and then the

other side is

you know you support a

woman’s right to choose and

it’s just a

series of cells

in the body

it doesn’t have a soul

woman she’s

carrying in her body it

should be totally up to her

why does it have to be just

two points of view

i see both i see i

should not be able to tell you what to do i

should not be able to tell anybody what to do

and i could totally see wanting to have an abortion

you know i could totally see not wanting to

raise a child at certain

points in your life i

could totally see you having that option

but let’s be honest

what you’re doing is you’re killing something you know

it’s growing inside you

but it will eventually become a

human being

you know i mean

we can play games and say

at three days in it’s not

at five days it is or whatever the fuck you want to say

but the bottom line is there’s a little

human being growing inside your body

and i think you

should be able to do whatever the fuck you want

i mean it’s your body i really don’t

think anybody

could tell you

you know but

you’re killing something

i mean you’re choosing not to let it grow

you’re terminating it i mean let’s be honest

about what you’re doing

it’s a symbiotic

relationship obviously the baby needs you to stay

alive it’s a part of you

until it becomes its own

individual entity but

the path has been set it’s on the way

you know why is that like how come you can’t say that

i mean everybody you got

it’s either one or the

other either you support a

woman’s right to choose

or you know you

think it’s murder but no one ever says we

are support the right

for you to do it but let’s talk

about what the fuck it is

i mean it is a creepy

thing and if i was a

woman it would

creep me out that i

would have to do something like that you know

especially when you talk to someone who’s had kids

once you’ve had kids you

understand what what

babies really are and the

whole thing

you know you get you get this

experience of having

a your own child

you know and you go oh

wow it’s crazy

abortions really

crazy when you

think about it

i’m glad i don’t have the option

i’m glad you know that i don’t get pregnant

could you imagine

if it was you that got pregnant

if like you know like

a how many abortions

would you have you have

you’d have like ten abortions

how many can you have

before your fucking blumming

breaks there is a

ceiling to this i went i went out with a girl once

that it’s had so many abortions

that she can’t get pregnant

really yeah

yeah it’s like

three or four she was so crazy

you know i went to this

she’s had like five or six oh

she’s so she was so

crazy i went

to this abortion

show or whatever it was at the science

museum but i

guess it wasn’t a show

a convention

no it was just a display that showed from like

every week of a baby’s life

all the way

to that meat

thing that life

yeah the bodies in motion

wherever it was they’re all in

glass jars though

and at first i was like

they’re not real

these are just little

models but then you read down that

these are all real

and you start

gluing the mother

and you look at the very

small one and it looks like a little demon

like i don’t

know if you’ve ever seen it just looks like an

alien or something looks like a lizard yeah

and then it’s so

weird seeing it grow but then you get to the big one

and that is the most depressing

thing you’ll

ever see in your life just as baby sitting there

with a face that’s been frozen in time like and just

you know that

whole exhibit

freaks me out

and if you don’t know the exhibit we’re talking

about it’s a

bodies exhibit and this guy

invented some new process

of preserving

human tissue

and he does

it somehow or another in plastic and they have a

whole video on it

i think it’s called

i don’t know body

worlds but i’m trying to figure out the process plastic

something anyway so

it’s really like a

bunch of bodies

all cut up in

weird positions doing

weird things

and you know it gives you a

sense of the anatomy but it also gives you a sense like

how is this

any different than something a fucking serial killer

would do right

you know could

you imagine yeah

could you imagine if this was all

started by a guy

who’s just some sick fuck

and the way

he pawned it off on people is like you know it’s just

checking out the anatomy

because there’s

some of them that are so questionable dude one of them

they had a chick

cut in half

at the vagina

okay yeah at the vagina

and there’s like segments

of her she’s like cut in half yeah at her fucking pussy

right like really i need i really need to see that

you sure are you sure

about that you sure you

wanna put that fucking

image pretty

fucking demented

it’s weird man they’re like playing

tennis and shit

and you know it’s just

their muscle

tissue with no skin on it fake eyeballs it’s a trip

did we go together

to see that i

think we did

and we saw the imax

movie about

the body yanks okay

i remember being so

stoned while seeing that i almost had a

panic attack i had to oh

we were so hot

we had lollipops didn’t we

i think we had lollipops

this was back in the days the rookie days of

edibles but we didn’t

quite understand what was going on

like oh two lollipops

would be fine we

didn’t know

the people who don’t know when you eat pod man

you get way different

it’s a way different high it’s something

called 11 hydroxy metabolites produced by your

liver we’ve talked

about it before

that’s why people

freak out when eat

brownies and shit like

you you you swore off edibles

on mondays because the armenians give me a free

edible day on monday

so i always eat the

three peanut butter cookies and get fucked up a

last called me once

you call me once i’ll

never forget this

you go like this dog

that’s it that’s it dog

i got what no more fucking edibles

no more fucking

edibles joe rogan

no more edibles like that’s the

whole conversation

i’m done i’m done all that bad

don’t you wish

phones had tivo

so you feel like you

could just like record this

how well the recording

would be awesome but

would be more awesome as the visual

you know to get some facetime

yeah facetime it’s always

doing facetime

sometimes you eat

those edibles and i need them like i

ate in the morning guys

like i get up and

pop a cup of coffee

and eat a fucking chocolate cake

by 9 30 i gotta go to the y

fear factor was all edibles

because that

would last the longest

and this is also when i didn’t

understand i just knew that i’d

build up a tolerance if i had a lollipop every day

i was getting


i mean like so

baked i was like

freaking out about the

colors of the sky

and you know

thinking how strange this life is and we’re all

pretending it’s permanent but it’s really temporary

while it was like forced to do this

you know not

force but you know

while my job was to do this fear factor show

high as fuck

it fucks with you

those edibles

they fuck with you

those edibles you know what i’m saying

yeah no they too they really do

it’s way stronger

people don’t know it’s

four times more psychoactive than thc when you eat it

yeah that 11 hydrox

metapolate it

doesn’t feel like pot

doesn’t feel like you’re high

it feels like some totally different kind of a

psychedelic trip

yeah you know very


you know really makes

you fucking consider your life you know when you’re

alone and you

ate a brownie

you start going deep into your

childhood and shit fuck

yeah don’t you

thinking about like

weird your relationship with your parents and fucking

all sorts of

weird shit that made you become who you are you

start like really fucking going deep

the last time i did

edibles was at a ufc and

it was with you and

it got to the

point where

there was a good

match going on

and everyone was murmuring

you know at

once like an

arena you can

hear everything it

started that murmur

started like i

started to get in me and i

start feeling my

heart oh my

god when clay

guida fought

diego sanchez i

could feel the smacks

yeah like there was one flurry in the

first round

where they were both just

for like a minute

they must have connected on

twenty punches a

piece i felt all

twenty punches

i remember that i woke up like this like

just holding on to myself like i can’t even

block these fucking

punches that

diego’s throwing at me

and also i realize i have

brian redman next to me

and people like jake

shields is over

him like what’s happening but i caught myself

fucking blocking

diego’s body kicks and shit like

twisted and everything

that’s what you know fuck

three d glasses


i was in that fucking ring

when they broke that was

that was a very intense

first minute

very intense if you remember how

that’s what

i think about edibles

it swept you it just swept me and i remember like

turning and fucking fading and

you know making believe he was jabbing off okay

lit here’s the question here’s the question do you

think it’s real

do you think that the

connection that you have when you get super high

especially with

edibles that

weird feeling that you have

when you feel like you can tell if people

you’re lying

you can tell that people are

upset with you and they’re not talking

about it that you

could tell if they have issues i

think that’s real yeah

i think it’s 100

i think it’s 100

it’s real right totally

real there’s a different

level of perception that

comes it’s like you have a new

sense that you usually don’t have

right but when you get sober you all of a

sudden start

thinking it’s ridiculous

when you sober up because you’re not feeling the same

sense in it exactly but it

doesn’t it’s

never more ridiculous

there’s no more ridiculous

story than you

telling someone that you have an enlightened


because you got intoxicated

people will always make fun of that like oh yeah yeah

yeah you’re high on mushrooms and you figured out the

world sure you did

you know because

when you’re sober it seems so


but when you’re

really really really high

you can see some shit and you figure out some shit

every time you get high and

you get in your car even if it’s just go to starbucks

you always figure out one component of your day

yeah like one decision is made

and it’s made you know and you

stick to it just

that we every

reason why people

think he makes you paranoid

it’s making you think

about shit yeah

it’s making you consider shit that you don’t

ordinarily consider

and let me tell you something weed

in the isolation tank

my god joey

diaz that fucking

thing has changed my

whole brain

it’s rewired my

brain like i have like

all the hardware from my old brain it’s

still like laying

around but it’s not even connected anymore

that fucking isolation tank from just smoking weed i’m

trying to figure out how to live my life

as if like i just

entered into this

world like 10 years ago

i entered into a body that’s already

existed and already had a history and already had a

bunch of things that it’s already done and dealt with

and so what have i done i’ve done all this

jesus christ what was i

thinking when i did that

you know what i mean it’s like

you become a totally different

human being

managing like a new life

that’s what like

the tank does to you the tank is the fucking

freakiest thing ever i wish more you guys

would be into it

you know nobody

nobody does it i don’t know why you guys

wouldn’t do it it’s i always talk

about it it is the craziest fucking experience

that i ever do it’s like doing a crime

and going home and locking your door

and then smoking a joint for

eight hours sitting there

thinking the cops are gonna

break in that’s a

horrible feeling you get to see fucking life what it is

when you’re sitting in that corner listening

by the stairs to see if they’re coming

it’s a fucked up

experience you

think well you

clean your brain out of all that shit that

you’ve done

that’s making you

worry about

people come to get you all that shit all the shady shit

you know it makes you

clean your brain out

how come you’ve

never done the tank

how come you

never go in i don’t fit

do they fit you fit there’s a

giant one they have the guy in venice

can make any size one

it’s a huge door joey it’s not like you have to well

there’s two places

there’s two

places one is soothing

solutions in burbank you

could go there

near you really real close yeah

and it’s very nice lady

to do a death

squad trip and tape it over there yeah what happens

let’s do it she’s a nice lady she’s very

nice yeah let’s do it i’ll do it with you guys let’s do

this tape it

what happened

make a video

there we go yeah

i feel when i come

out of there i’m taking you guys all

eddie to and

re to let’s

see how i far

he’s gonna fuck it up don’t

start screaming

he’s faking it yeah

no no no he wouldn’t

if we just all said let’s all

you know have an experience

tell me what you think

yeah yeah we

could advertise

that lady’s business too yeah

yeah yeah and the guy in venice too let’s advertise

him too cause his

place is the shit

is it really

yeah float labs the shit that guy

he’s on another level

see everybody else is making

these tanks like my old tank the one i gave away

which is excellent i mean it’s better

way better than nothing you know

it’s good it works good

but his are like

super thick it’s

steel and insulated

and his maintained temperature much better

and it’s much bigger so you have more oxygen

inside of it and he actually adds an oxygen pumper

an oxygen scrubber so it

scrubs oxygen

pure oxygen out of the air and pumps it into you

he’s just got it down

he’s nuts the guy at the

float lab com

he’s a crazy dude but

the cool kind of crazy

and he’s like a mad scientist

and he’s got this new

thing that i tell you

about the new

thing the video cameras

this motherfucker you know what if you don’t know

about the isolation

tank with the isolation tank is it’s a tank

that was invented by a guy

named john lily john lily was this crazy


pioneer from the sixties he used to

take ketamine

and fucking

lay in the tank for days like he was nuts

he used to take acid

and this is how he figured out how to make the tank

he wanted to figure out a way

where he was

completely separate from his senses

so his brain

doesn’t have to listen to his body at all

and he first he

started out with he would

be in a tank where he

would be upright and the head you

would float by the head so basically

he’d be hanging from your chin

which is probably

not that comfortable but you get used to it and then

the rest of you feels like you’re weightless

but then he

figured out all you have to do is just put a

ton of salt in the water

and that’ll make you buoyant

then you can lie

on your back and then like half your body is exposed

so that’s the new models

they all have like mine has 800

pounds of salt in 11 inches of

water and you lie in it

and the water is 935 degrees

which is the same temperature as your skin

and so as you lie in it you don’t feel the

water anymore

and you just dissolve you have no body sensation at all

and it’s just

pure mind is just the mind with no

connection to any any input

so the mind

doesn’t have any distractions

your mind gets to look at your whole life

completely objectively not thinking

about your back or your fucking feet

smell or you know you’re

touching the

couch or your hearing what

you know the

sounds and seeing

lights it just

pure mind and in that

state that’s like one of the rarest

states on earth

i mean it’s pretty simple to achieve but if you think

about it there’s no

place like that on earth

where you can be separate from your body

like literally you don’t feel your body

it’s just your mind

you know and

you get destroyed we all get distracted like it’s like

having a conversation in

front of a giant

crowd of people like when you’re on

stage that’s distracting you know talking to people

while people are next to you screaming

that’s distracting

but what we don’t realize is life is distracting

and sometimes you’ve got too much

why do people who have fucked up lives

like to have a

bunch of shit

going on you know

how many dudes you know that

complicate their lives on purpose

cause they got some shit

going on so they’ll just throw i’m

starting up a business like the fuck are you talking

about you’re

starting up a business man you’re a fucking

comic you gonna

start up a business it’s

about why is he really

starting up a

business he’s trying to distract himself with more shit

so he doesn’t have to think

about his shit you know it’s like it’s a classic

psychological ploy your

whole life is a distraction you don’t even realize it

everything you do is constant

input coming in you gotta

navigate your way through this world

it takes away resources takes away resources that your

brain has gotta get in there joey diaz

let’s go burp bank next week

after a fucking

break listen

you know if

you don’t do it you’ll

never done it

because i you know i just

i don’t know

that’s a thing it’s one of

those things

have you ever been in the tub

ever before you

think you avoid

that kind of like

heavy lifting when it comes to like the mind

no you know to me i

i have my own kind of relaxing

things that i do and

it seems like

i don’t know i

guess it’s not a necessities

so i don’t really need to

blow money on something that

you know you know i’m dude

i’ll buy you

a gift certificate it was free i’ll do it

every day all right well

let’s get you on it then we’re

gonna do that that’s

gonna be our next

video we’re

gonna do the isolation tank i’m

gonna convert all you guys because i

think it’s ridiculous that i’ve been

using this thing for

seven years and you guys don’t yeah

i’m sure it’s

better than the tanning bed and if you guys

it’s way better

to jerk off and if you guys go to if you google

where to float just that term

there will be a website that will pop up from samadhi

samadhi com

which are very

awesome people that made my

first tank and

their website has a listing of

places where you can rent time in a tank all over the

world all different

countries all the different

places it’s available

and a lot of people have used it and emailed me

about it and said that they

found a tank you know like an hour away from

their house or something like that

it’s a fucking

great tool it’s a

great tool for the mind

you know if you’re the type of person that likes to

meditate and i think

everyone should

you know everyone

i mean you call it

meditate you say

meditate you

sound like you’re

full of shit and

you’re doing yoga with beads on you know what i mean it

sounds you know what i mean it’s like

the word meditate has this connotation

this you know this fake

fake spirituality connected to it you know it’s a term

right but the

but thinking

about your life is very important

especially in boulder they use

meditate like oh

motherfucker i’m sandal words there are so many sandal

wearing motherfuckers

in boulder aren’t they

i tell you what though they’re nice

i don’t mind

but i would talk to people

and you know i’d be like you know they

would say you know oh i’ve got this back injury

you know i can’t go to jiu jitsu

i go oh that’s cool man you know you okay you’re

gonna be alright he goes yeah i’m

going to this healer

he’s doing a

lot of body work on me a lot of positive energy work

oh my god you pay for that or do you suck his dick like

who the fuck are you talking

about he was like totally straight face i’m

going to a healer

you know he’s working on me doing

a lot of body work he’s doing oh he’s doing body work

oh he’s healing you with rocks and sand

there’s a lot

of people that make a living doing that man they’re

like healers they’re like push on parts of your head

and claim that they’re healing you

but the thing is if you believe them

it works it works that’s the

crazy thing

the human body is so fucking

powerful but we don’t know how to use it

it’s like a computer

and we don’t even have a manual we’re just

going into the registry and fucking with things and

we really don’t know how it works

so you can trick somebody with a

placebo and the

placebo is just

sugar it’s just bullshit it

doesn’t do anything

but because they

think it’s medicine

their body fixes itself

but nobody knows how to just fix themselves

it’s crazy it’s like

how come you can’t the

placebo method how come you can’t just

apply that on your own

why can’t you just

trick yourself you can’t

so then you don’t have access to that

pure belief

you don’t have access to the pure belief

literally you have to be kind of crazy

to have access to the pure

belief that you can fix yourself with this magic pill

that’s just sugar

it’s a fucking mess why can’t we use it

we got like

it’s like a hidden

part of the operating system

you know you have to

press like four keys at the same time to get to it

you know it’s fucked up man

you know it’s really cool to do

stone by the way i just thought of this

while you were talking i don’t

wanna lose it but

get really really

baked eats and go into your garage and get a ladder and

if there’s like one of

those lights like you know the garage lights

i go up to it with a friend

you both look at each

other’s face

or you turn off the

lights and you both stare at each

other’s face

and then you wait till your eyes adjust to the dark

then you flip the

light real quick

and you see the

other person’s face like as a

ghost that’s burnt into your retina

then you come down from the

ladder and you

just walk around and you’ll just see like this

floating head in

front of you for how long it probably lasts a good

minute and a half two minutes does it work with

black people

no no it doesn’t

you just see a canoe

i gotta go upstairs to put a

light bulb on it

you fucking crazy

fucking ladder what am i doing i

break my ankle to see casper the friendly fucking ghost

should i put

angel wings on when i

call that shit

to get high

that’s too much

drama to get high just

pass that fucking

number it’s something that you’ve

never experienced try it out are you scared

it’s free that’s free float tape

you know what is cool as fuck when you’re high the la


or the griffith exorbitory

rather you go

to it yes isn’t it awesome oh my

god when you lie back and you

watch that star show

show the constellations

amazing fucking incredible man yeah

it’s you know what when i went to hawaii

and we went

to the big island and we went up to the keck

observatory it’s in

the top of the big island it’s this gigantic fucking

thing they have up there you

know telescope

it’s like one of the

world’s biggest

radio telescopes

the fucking

view up there is insane

you go up there you see

every fucking star

you see the

whole milky way

like you literally see the

stripe the milky way and like

a hundred thousand

times more stars than you normally see because

it’s way the fuck up there it’s like 10 000 feet

above sea level

you’re literally

above the clouds you

drive through the

clouds to get to it

because we were

driving i was like this sucks man it’s fucking

cloudy we’re

gonna get up there we’re not

gonna be able to see shit

and all of a

sudden you pop up

above the clouds

and that’s where the observatory is

goddamn it’s beautiful

the fucking stars are insane it’s the best

thing you could look at it’s the best view

and we deprive ourselves from it

because of lights

yeah even in la man even in la if they shut off all the

lights if they shut off

everything above you

would be fucking


it’s incredible it’s the most amazing

thing like i

stood there in hawaii looking up going

is this here all the time

this is there all the time

and we can’t see it you know what we have all these

stupid gay holidays like valentine’s day


a day why don’t they have a holiday

where everybody has to turn off their

lights and there’s no electricity for the day have it

blacked out give

me some knuckles

how awesome with that that’s the

greatest idea you’ve ever come up with

in your fucking life get mayer will ever go something

like a fucking backbone

right now get him on

the fucking battle

what a great

day but you know what if we had everybody do it

literally there

would be nothing from the

horizon it would be god how amazing

would that be it

would be insane the

earth would

reset it’d be like oh that’s what i wanted

if you go to

vegas and you

drive and you’re

going to the mountains of vegas

they have beautiful views in vegas

because all

the fucking electricity all the goddamn

time you don’t

like those lights you don’t see a goddamn thing

you look up in the vegas

night you don’t see a fucking

thing can you

imagine 20 years from now

vegas had to shut the

lights from

sunday to thursday

off you would

think of that do you remember when the

luxor had that

light that shot up in the sky

fucking up pilots that’s

crazy who was so

strong was fucking with

pilots here

just the other day in la

some guys were

shining a laser

at helicopters and they

shined it on a police helicopter

man they’re getting like

crazy charges

against them they

should they

chase them down

gotta be responsible well

first of all it shouldn’t be so easy to buy a fucking

laser that you can

shoot up to the sky

especially that new one that could

fucking burn you

about the one that i got in georgia

you know that one

yeah i got one that’s illegal

totally illegal

that’s the only reason why i got it guy told me it’s

you kidding

buddies man it’s illegal i’m like mmm

are you salads

you said this

it’s like a

super powerful

laser that you can like

literally go to the moon with again

pointing at the moon and i’ll register on some fucking

some one of

those russian things

one of those

reflectors on the moon like no bullshit this is

ridiculous yeah

there you can buy these

super powerful

laser means

giant takes d

cell batteries and shit

wow yeah you

could just buy it some asshole can just sell it i

know some asshole could sit

on top of a

building and just start

blinding people yeah bam

you’re blind you’re blind

i just to fuck with it

i went outside and was putting little

green lights on all the neighbor’s

houses like how

powerful it was

it’s insane you

could see it all the way i mean it

literally shot a straight line

all the way across the valley to this

house that was

half a mile away

and i could see it

remember those little

laser keychains that came out when

lasers first came out like

dickhead you

go to the movie theater

i fucking shine em on the

screen you wanna kill em you

wanna kill em you remember that

probably store two

wheels in those guys

used to have

those came out in myrtle

beach when i was in myrtle

beach what was the name of that russian dude that

would always sell shit

every friday

monkey bones

monkey bones i

still have a

bunch of his

lighters man

yeah he had

lighters and

those lights boob

lighters i just saw one the

other day around

here yeah they were awesome he used to have

these lighters

you flip the top and

these little titties

would light up it was like a bikini

i’m such a child is he

still around yeah

he’s been hanging out

more at the rock bars you know lately like the roxy and

stuff like that yeah really

has he been

see he’s one of

those dudes that

even though i wasn’t

looking forward to seeing him when i was at the comedy

store now that i think

about him like

what a cool guy

yeah i always

was nice to that guy i always talked to that guy

he gave me his

phone number

the comedy store back in the day had such a unique

community in that parking

lot area you know that parking lot area was like

a lego club that we

would go to

it was like a hangout

you know that was like

literally half the show was the parking lot show

you put on your best shows

first in the parking lot

and then you

started putting on your best shows on

stage on stage

yeah you used to fuck around a lot in the parking lot

you became a much better

comic in the parking lot

because it was like you got

loose in that parking lot

and started fucking around with us

and you don’t have any restrictions

about time or

agents watching you or managers

you could just be yourself and you

would fucking kill everybody in the parking lot

and then you

would take that and just go on

stage go on

stage at the end

but before you were like telling jokes

right you were like when you first

started out you were like telling jokes on stage

right like how

would you like what was like a typical routine

i have no fucking idea

you remember what you talked

about at all

that was a long fucking time

it was like you

would go into a subject but you

wouldn’t you

wouldn’t really go into a

subject yeah you

would get the scratch it

yeah and then you

would go to the next subject

you cheating

you never you

never figured out

how to get that momentum

you know you get the momentum from

going into a

subject and then really exploring that subject

so like you take the audience on a little trip

i know that’s how i feel like when i’m in the audience

and i’m watching a really good

comic and they

start on a subject

i want him to really

explore that subject i’m like

there’s a lot of shit in that subject let’s go in there

the best guy

at that to me when i was coming up was richard jenning

richard jenny

i got to see him a

bunch of times

i got to see him once before i ever even did stand up

i was just you know paying as

an audience

member i got to see him a

catch a rising star in cambridge

and it was nice

because nobody even knew who he was back then you know

it wasn’t wasn’t impact and i sat

right on the front and

and the dude

would take a subject man and just ring that

motherfucker out ring it out

he would do a subject for like ten minutes

and then right when you thought it

was over bam he comes up with something else and more

punch lines and more

and it was like i was in awe

i was like i don’t

think anybody does it like that guy i

think that guy’s one of the most

underappreciated stand ups

richard jenny

you know a lot of people like you know

they didn’t

give him the credit that he deserved because

a lot of his premises were like kind of common premises

you know like you know common like almost like

talk show host

not talk show host

but like you know if you’re doing a spot on letterman

like a lot of his premises just fit

right into the standard

you know letterman spot but he was so good it was

great and his presence was brilliant on

stage he had

something his timing was amazing he had

something that just

you know and that’s a shame

he was in a

plane with me

just a couple weeks before he killed himself

just maybe maybe a couple months

something along

those lines but he was

headed to austin we were headed to austin to do

cap city comedy club

and he was headed there for a

corporate gig and i got a

chance to talk to him

a little bit and

say hi to him

you know i mean it’s like you wish i said more you

know but i’ve

never really had like long conversations with the dude

you know but i always felt like richard

jenny’s always

gonna be around you know i always see him at the improv

or whatever and say hi and he was always friendly

so it’s like you know you

see him there and you’re like what are you doing you

going to a gig oh cool

what are you doing oh

corporate gig

oh cool cool yeah we’re doing that comedy club oh

alright man have

fun cool and that was like the conversation you know

it’s like man i wish i

talked to him

i wish i picked his brain

i seen bobcat yesterday the doctor’s office oh yeah

sure how’s he doing on the way in looks completely

fucking different really

like how just ball

yeah glasses

weird glasses

and i looked at him at

first and he looked at me and he’s like

i’m like bobcatton

yeah daddy he

doesn’t do that though no he

doesn’t do that no more

he was a funny comment but it was good to see him

bobcat does not get

the respect he deserves either because bobcat was in

those police academy movies

so people didn’t respect him like as a

comic but as a

comic bobcat was fucking hilarious

meet bob do you remember that cd yeah

that’s fucking brilliant

i never knew he was a comic dude

as i was pre internet

so i only saw this

annoying he’s

still doing it

right i think you’re

still doing

it i know bananas with him like six years ago

really talking

about he’s like man

that was a long time is he

still good i mean how’s it

i think he just works for kimmel right

i don’t know so when he does

stand up he just does it

every now and then

yeah every now and

then we didn’t

talk about it

that’s a shame he was really good he

would have benefited

from the internet like

crazy having

comedy clips or twitter at that time

totally i mean he was that he was a perfect fit

for the internet if the internet had come

along 10 years earlier

bobcat was a perfect fit can you imagine people’s

careers if twitter and facebook and all this shit

like imagine

richard pryor

dude totally and his

prime if he had a facebook page and a twitter page and

everything all of them kennisons

imagine kennisons twitter oh wow hey

every day some girl

cut me off you fucking are

you know that would be

have his twitter

every day it

would be awesome

yeah a lot of

guys you know i mean you know back then unfortunately

there was one avenue there was you had to get on

television you had to get on hbo

that would be the big one get on one of

those comedy specials

but now there’s so many avenues and

it’s so easy now

you know i always

think about that like

i would have

been fucked if it wasn’t for the internet because i

would have been

always labeled as like a game show host guy like nobody

would have taken my comedy

seriously you know

you’d have to see me live

to know that i was actually comic

first i just

took fear factor for money

back then if you did like something

that you know wasn’t cohesive for a good career

like nobody forgive you you were

labeled that guy and then they

moved on to the next

thing you know

you wouldn’t you can’t

now because of the internet you can

completely express

yourself like people know exactly who you are

like this this podcast

you know i mean you can’t

this is like the 26th one that we’ve done

you know by that

people know who the fuck you are you are who you are

you’re broadcasting it

back then man you

could fake an image

you could like

how many fucking gay guys were straight and they just

got married and

everything and the hollywood

image and the

studio pushed an

image for them and they had

press people

would talk to the

press for you and you had a publicist publishers

are fucking useless now as long as you’re twittering

people know what you really like

right you know look at spencer pratt and all

these fucking people

anybody like that you know they

become popular and then they just get to talk you

could have a million publicists it

doesn’t matter


gonna know eventually

they’re gonna compile

enough data to know exactly what you really like

they’re gonna know your lows and your highs

they’re gonna get to make an honest judgment

like google

knows everything

about us how

about we’re talking about this

apple iphone

thing the iphone

there’s some new

thing where

apple’s collecting

and sharing iphone users precise locations

and this is

what is an updated version of the privacy policy

the company has

added a paragraph noting that once

users agree

apple and unspecified partners

and licensees

may collect and

store user location data

so i and i see what

you’re saying you’re saying that it’s totally anonymous

and i appreciate that

but you’re selling it

you’re selling data

you’re collecting data on me and you’re selling it yeah

please don’t

yeah please

don’t there gets a

point where

everything everyone needs to make money

google i get that google

they’re making the

money that they’re making when you’re doing

stuff like this like

these ads spammers

you’re making

money off spammers you’re

making money off people are

gonna find out

where you aren’t spam the fuck yeah yeah

i mean probably that’s what it is

i mean that’s

what they’re doing they’re trying to find out

where you’re at oh you’re buying

things what do you buy

what are you doing

eventually your phone is

gonna be like it is in

japan too man

well it would be money

they’re trying to customize

just like everything customize

your shopping

shopping experiences and everything

we’re talking about

satellite radio

i am a huge fan of pandora

because it kind of

makes you a

radio station

based around what you like

right and and it keeps on

getting streams off your

phone no problem

right right yeah

especially the iphone you bluetooth it

right to my car and

and it’s just

it’s great it’s like a non stop

radio station

satellite radio all based

right around what you like

and don’t like

right but what i was saying about the

phone eventually

becoming money

in japan you can buy

things with your

phone yeah you

literally i

don’t know if you scan it or you send something

i don’t know exactly how it works but it’s commonplace

right and that’s gonna

happen over here eventually oh

totally and people are

gonna start happening once they’re

sharing data and they know where your

precise locations are

and you’re buying

things you’re

gonna get spam on your

phone once you have something happen

once you have a

phone on doesn’t

whoever the fuck know

where you at

but my point is that if why

would they be paying for it if they’re not

gonna use it if they’re

gonna use it you’re

gonna get some bullshit

no they shouldn’t have to

they shouldn’t be able to sell your fucking info

unless it’s benefiting

i mean why would your precise

location benefit like the company’s development i

guess that’s something you just have

to be like well hey they don’t use it just like why

would they really

though but that

seems like a douchey

thing seems like

they’re maximizing

their profit

and one of the ways

they’re doing

is by selling

your private information

well how about

your private

information you just become a number you can become a

digit right

but they know exactly

where you are what kind of private

information is it your bank account i don’t know

or is it no i

think it’s precise location

well what i

think it is is

where you go

every day what your

what your interests are

like if you call 800

fucking sex lines

so now when a sex corporation calls at

amp t and says

we want to buy

you know names from you of people who use sex

lines yeah they just

well you know what at

least at amp

t’s working

how many times have you gotten a call for a funeral

parlor ain’t nobody

dying with me

somebody called you and says you want a dick sucking

at least that

now and a down

maybe that’s what

the fuck you

follow me you call

a gambling nobody follows let’s say you go to

vegas all the fucking time from la

what do you go to

vegas for either to get your dick sucked

or to fucking gamble if you’re

a regular consumer

so maybe that’s the day that they’re collecting

and when they

sell it out there you know how many times you get calls

joe from people trying to sell you something

how many emails do you get you get a lot of

those calls that people want

you to change banks and interest rates and shit like

that shit like that so how do you think they

you know it’s

stupid so i don’t

think somebody sells your

phone number i don’t

think they sell your pen or your

mother’s maiden name guys

i just think they sell

your interest

what you be with

it’s very annoying when someone calls my

house and they have my name

and they ask

may i speak to joe are you talking

about home phone

yeah yeah you know what

home phones are dead man

i’ve never since i got rid of my home

phone like five years ago i’ve

never had a single stray call ever

man i’m a little bit old

school i like to have a home

phone number man just

in case yeah

i don’t wanna just always be

relying on my cell phone

right i’m a little old

school you ever go buy a car

and a week after

you buy a car you get an application for a credit card

what if that happens

it just happens

i don’t get fact

that bought the

paper yeah of course they

sold your shit they saw yours you know what’s the worst

is where they take a car and put it in a mall

and they’re like sign up to win this car

that is just the

worst thing you

could possibly ever

do i signed

in two weeks free of the fucking gym

yeah anything like that anything

you see anything online

that you give you information about

you’re fucked but

i always knew they were doing

see once 9 11 came dog

this became more available

that was what law was passed

we lost a lot

of fucking freedoms that we don’t even know we had

that’s why there’s people are

freaking out but they don’t know

that i don’t know but that’s to do with 9 11 but you’re

absolutely right

about executive

orders that bush passed and

cheney passed you

lost a lot of freedoms bro

so this is part of the freedoms

that we were losing that people complained about

and you don’t know

this couldn’t happen 20 years ago

that’s why you used to get caught from peely pastapine

trying to sell your fucking matches

and you’re like what are you talking

about i don’t want no matches

because your name just got sold well

let me ask you this

what do you

think that why do you

think they concentrate on taking

right away do you

think they concentrate on taking

rights away because they’re

worried the shit is eventually

gonna hit the fan and then they’re

gonna have to really figure out how to control people

so they’re gonna have to have more

regulations more ways to lock you up

why else would they be struggling

to try to get more control over people why would they

be struggling to take away your

rights and liberties

unless there’s profit

or unless they can control you in some sort of

a time of great stress and disaster i

think it’s just protection

if you don’t murder one

yeah if you don’t murder

one you’re fine i think

that’s not true

because the government can absolutely

target people

who are enemies of the government people have

taken people out of the green

party and put them on terrorist

watch lists

and no fly list just because they protest

against the war

that’s fact that’s already happened that’s already done

so there’s no way they’re

doing it just to protect you they’re doing it to profit

they don’t need to protect

you like that if they need to protect you like that it

would be much more obvious

it’s just at a certain point in time it’s like how much

information is going to be available

i mean right now i can google

brian rijkl and find out all kinds of shit

about you i can

google your name i can google my name when is it

gonna be just instantly available to everybody

not even a google

you know i mean what the fuck is the next

thing no it is available you think so

if somebody is a

16 year old computer hack

that knows what the fuck he’s doing it’s available to

him to guys like me i’m a

moron i know nothing about the computer

but there’s a kid right now i can press three buttons

and he’ll call you here with your

motherfucking pen number

and your phone don’t tell me you know nothing

about the computer i saw you twitter from your cell

phone you’re a monster

me you were twitter from your cell phone

because brian set it up for me

because i’m retarded that’s my witness

right there

i’m thinking you know it’s gonna be crazy

about facetime it’s gonna be crazy

six months from now facetime hackers are gonna

bust into your phone and turn on your cameras and

watch you whatever is

going on in your room and listen to whatever you’re

gonna listen to

you think that’s real

i totally believe totally

will that be once it hits a network or will it be

while it’s on 3g

while it’s on and

i don’t think it matters i don’t think it matters i

think the government could be like you know what

this is what we’re

going to do now we’re going to bust go through at amp t

its network we’re going to

fucking use

their facetime with team

imagine the

first fucking

court case where somebody gets busted doing something

like that how about

dudes how dudes add keystroke

things to their wives

yeah you know to find out where their wife’s

going meeting up with her ex boyfriend

like that you always hear

things like that the guy put a keystroke on a

you know guys were

stalkers they want to find

out what you’re doing yeah if you have a girlfriend

that you want to

stalk you know

here’s something

completely easy

to do that i thought of the

iron and why you giving out

stalking it from well

now i’m just you

know how to

talk dude i totally don’t have you ever

stock never

stock never

never never

never when you were

young kid never

drove by a girl’s

house oh yeah

not like did anything

crazy windows

in the car and cried

oh okay okay that’s cool but anyways it’s normal

so if your girlfriend has an iphone

right you set up that

where are you now location

thing on her

mobile me oh my goodness and then if you just log in

and you know her password you

could always

check on where exactly your

girlfriend or wife is

that’s just

wrong dude don’t do that and then you

could send her messages like

hey i see you with him

see if orange

juice jones had that option that song

would have never

come out i saw you and him i flat out busted you

now for a word from our

sponsor hit it joe rogan

you were holding

hands and i

never be the same

boom boom boom boom boom boom

boom boom i saw

you i missed you so much today

i miss you so much i followed you

remember he said something like that

please pull that up

brian pull that

up and turn

that up you have that is the

greatest rap

of all time

i followed you yeah you

stone cold busted

close your mouth he says a

bunch of shit what

are you even saying orange

juice orange

juice jones

i saw you just press

walking in the

rain you only have one song it

don’t you jones

is like one appearance with him on soul

train we’re singing something nobody remember that’s it

but i saw you and him walking through the rain is the

shit shit is the

greatest rap song at the end

and him walking in the

rain shut your

mouth you’re cold flat busted

i loved you so much i followed you wasn’t it

silly rabbit trixification yeah that’s how it came from

silly rabbit

okay we have it yeah

i’m waiting for there’s a commercial before the video

this what is that stop this why are they 30

seconds now i tolerate your 15

second commercial

if you give me a fucking 30

second commercial before i

watch a youtube clip with a dog that’s barking

okay some fucking 10

second video

i swear to god i will stop buying your product

15 second commercials is good stop being greedy

30 second microsoft windows

go jelly this is old old school nice

probably for was it 84 oh yes

and him walking

oh shit you need a video tokens the video is

ridiculous this is what you people get in the afternoon

can you show the video

look at that dancing look at that dude moves

pip style i wonder what he’s doing

today i know we got a look at my just

like jones and dorchester he’s like probably doing some

some nightclub and appearance

you got it perfect

be the same

oh yeah people

podcast motherfuckers oh shit

what the july baby

wait until he gets mad at her

when he packs up all the shit and

then he has a conversation with her in the end when he

breaks it down

breaks it down

lets a bitch know

throw some strong pimp game

no no you don’t need to come on man people can live

look at him

that’s a real

black man right there you know the very few

white dudes will

floss with their clothes like a black guy does

you know very few white guys dress like that wear

fucking furs and suits and shit like that

someone’s gotta come along and do that

why doesn’t some white guy start wearing like

crazy suits and furs and shit like that

big fucking diamonds but sing like totally

white oriented music

john mayer imagine if john mayer

started dressing at first

spurs and diamonds and shit big fat pinky rings

and a fucking cane with

a dragon’s head on it a silver cane

i mean why not dude that guy is fucked every famous

woman on the planet he might as he might as well just

go all out just go straight pimp style

have a fucking diamond encrusted staff here it is

to a rambo pull out the jammy and flat

blast both of you

thirty seven hundred dollar links code

thirty seven hundred dollars in nineteen eighty four

oh my god my credit card my charge kills

yeah check it out

i think i’m dead

now i can’t give you none but advice

look she’s on the street now

look at that cars driving by

silly rabbit tricks are for kids

let me let go flick without the milk

squirrel trying to get a nut it’s my word

i forgot all

about that that that was beautiful beautiful

is amazing damn beautiful half that song was like r

kelly oh beautiful wow that’s the original r

kelly is the original r kelly

except r kelly’s much more

ridiculous this guy didn’t have the internet see they

would show him pissing off

r kelly was

so much more ridiculous

r kelly’s the best that’s

you guys sent me was fucking amazing yeah

when he’s yelling out of saying shit come you know

what is it about black

black culture

where the black guy never loses

in black culture

and like not all obviously but in

shit like this like these kind of songs and like the r

kelly type songs or like superfly

movies or something like that

there’s something about

never losing

you can’t get me

i already planned this out it’s like something

about being clever like

have you ever listened to the superfly you ever

watched superfly the best one of the

greatest blaxploitation

movies ever lasting but the end is so

fucking dumb

i took a hit

on you so if anything happens to me you’re dead

like damn he got him

he got the man

he planned it advance

there’s something

face in the garbage can

oh it’s so ridiculous man

those old blaxploitation

movies were awesome

but there’s something

about that you know to suppress

culture that just wants to win no matter what

you know i don’t think white people will ever

understand that you’ll never understand

never understand what that’s like

to be an orange juice jones i mean

that’s why white people can’t wear those lynx coats

you know who is that kid

in miami there’s

that one kid who’s like a beat maker he’s made a

bunch of beats for

for like really

famous hip hop artist

and he made millions of dollars but then he

wound up blowing it all on cocaine

there was a big article

about him and

i think it was esquire

esquire or gq big article

about him recently

no idea some

famous beat guy i’m sure if you go look on

where is orange

juice jones now did he die

dorchester bro

can you imagine like if he just like works at a grocery

store now and he but he

still goes i’m orange juice

jones and i recommend

this orange juice

like he uses it this

what’s google google orange juice jones

where is he

today yeah i bet he’s got a website and a community hey

check my twitter

i told you woman

scott storch

thank you very much

a y k o seven

oh another guy got it get total

down i mobile need you i take your iphone i

found out where you is yeah

miss you so much i followed you oh

silly rabbit

see in those days

i really wasn’t following it wasn’t even

stalking yeah you were allowed to well you

had to because you couldn’t just text somebody and say

where are you bitch

those days man guys must

just what had

extra families

all over the

place all right i found him

where is he alex

after jones failed to have significant follow up

success he left the

music industry to tend to his terminally ill

mother and raise a family

he helps his

son or in two

not or one or

into better

known as mookie

with his rap career

in addition to producing its

score music for commercials and independent

movies jones also


to a number of hip hop blogs including houston’s

just flipping com

or global grind

that’s it wow

well now we know

about orange

juice jones

fucking out there in the community

that’s right keeping shit popping he

should have done

stand up comedy if he

wrote those

lyrics you know

cause that sounds like pretty

pretty funny you

would have to be

funny on purpose

no that wasn’t

funny on purpose

but it seemed kind of

humorous no i don’t think so

humorous in like yeah got you yeah but

what you’re laughing at is not he doesn’t

understand what you’re laughing at

you’re laughing at her because ridiculous if you laugh

even look at you go what the

fuck you laughing at what i’m talking about woman

fine clothes

gucci’s diamonds

37 alex coat links

oh that’s just brilliant that’s poetry

it is but you have to really mean it

in order for it to be poetry

if you’re just pretending

like you know there was that black


parody that came out recently with michael john white

i didn’t hear anything

about it but i didn’t i didn’t have a desire to see it

because they were trying to pretend they were

making a fake movie like they were doing it on purpose

like they were acting a resource on purpose

yeah it’s only

funny if you’re acting ridiculous

and you think it’s cool

it’s not funny if you’re trying to be funny

acting ridiculous

you know what i’m saying

it’s funny i mean it’s okay but it’s never as

funny as someone who really

you know i saw you sit down baby

you know it’s not

unless it’s way more

funny when he’s like r kelly

like that’s the

genius of the r kelly video is that that guy really

thinks that way i guarantee why i always use joe’s

went to the studio and

started saying that like people in the studio were like

man i know what i’m doing all right

let me just lay this shit down on this bitch all right

and they were like bro it ain’t gonna work

watch my shit

he just said it and he goes that’s it staying they

argue for a little while i wonder when people

break up with orange

juice johnson like what are you

gonna do walk in the rain you’re fucking retarded

it’s over you know like you

write a song about me asshole yeah

move on with your life

cute me out of your shitty fucking cds

walking in the

rain have you ever had a girl tell you to not talk

about her in your act

no did you see that the

thing is stanhope

wrote about

bobby barnett

you know he’s got that joke

about this chick

bobby barnett

that fuck them that’s like way too hot to fuck him

but she fucked him

and you know he’s like you can’t take that back

a thousand repo

men can’t take that back

bobby bennett

you fucked me

and he put it in his

taking to take the edge off it was like his closing bit

well apparently this

chick contacted him it’s

on if you go to doug stanhope com it’s on his website

one of his blogs this

chick contacted him

you know it’s like you sick fuck i’m a born

again christian now and all this

and so he wrote this fucking

basically a new bit explaining

you fucked me and you can’t take that back

like he redid

the bit like even funnier

in a blog talking

about times and

things that have happened and

i always wondered what you were

up to these days

the where are you now

screen that plays in my mind

very funny man very

funny shit you

never had a

check tell you not to talk

about her in your act

i had one check it man

because she

99 9 positive

cheated on me

she went away

and she went on vacation

and she got fucking rug burn on her back and

she went to florida to

visit her cousin her cousin’s a whore

okay she went to

visit her cousin in florida

she had fucking rug burn in her back

and i had my hand

in her back and i felt something and i pulled up her

skirt turned around and

looked at her and

i go what the fuck is on your back

and she goes

i was drinking oh i was

drinking and i was leaning

against this

thing and there was like a nail on it

i go there was a nail i

nailed it that

i go you didn’t feel the nail you just kept rubbing

your back back and forth on the nail

i go that’s not carpet brand

what are you saying

what are you saying i’m saying somebody fucked you no

no i go okay

you’re saying that no one no one fucked you

cause no it’s not carpet burn

i told you i was drinking

i don’t know what i was doing

and i was like leaning

against this thing

i was like this

crazy lion bitch

was like the dumbest lie ever like this dumb whore

didn’t even

know that she had this fucking scab on her back

so hard probably in the dirt somewhere

right crazy

bitch she’s

probably on instruction site on a fucking asphalt

parking lot

probably broken

glass construction site

you know like

21 21 or 22

i think maybe i

might have been a little

older but it was

ridiculous but

i’d already

cheated on her so i didn’t care

she was like it was a bad relationship i didn’t

enjoy it wasn’t a fun one but

she keep this

she keeps the comedy show that night

with me you know

after she got back all

right get your

clothes on this

night we went we left

i don’t even remember if i fucked her

probably not

cause i was probably

grossed out

but i took her to

my comedy show she wanted to come with me and she was

planning on it

so i got on

stage and immediately

going to the

whole fucking

story about my

girlfriend going to

you know spring break and

coming back with rug burn and

i had you know like what you know i had like a what’s

worse and then i

put that one out like how

would you react to that one

and then i tell the

whole story

she was fucking furious

she was so mad

she’s like if you don’t fucking believe me

i go i believe you but it’s

funny it’s just a joke

i’m just making i’m

just pretending that you really did fuck somebody on

stage the best

thing about facebook

the best thing

about facebook is finding your old babysitter

and i remember this babysitter was just fucking hot

and she’s still pretty hot you

know now she’s divorced did

she touch you

have a kid she

never touched me but what she let me do

is she let me put

my head in her crotch like sleep

in her crotch you know what i mean

and then like i

would move my head around and she

would like kind of like

you know squeeze my head

yeah and it

was i just remember was so fucking how old were you

i’d probably say 11 10 try

to sniff a pussy

huh sniff a

pussy he was giving her a fucking forehead

job and then

and then sniff a

monkey in shorts

i remember she

would just have the

blanket over her

and be watching tv and i’d be like

underneath the

blanket just

whenever i wanted to oh my

god and then

there was this one time

i remember it was like the best feeling in the world

i remember i climbed up

put my hands on both sides of her

tits and just laid on top of her

did she let you do that yeah it was

great so anyways i

found her on facebook that chick is

crazy she’s a fucking

child molester

i’m 10 years old and

she’s making me eat her box

fucking high it

doesn’t matter it’s like your bit

i fucking loved it it was the

greatest thing in the

whole entire

world who do you

think it is do you

think that she’s just a

total attention whore and she just couldn’t i

think she was

i think she was probably 16

or 18 and she was just like okay this is great

wow anyways i

found her on facebook and she’s

still kind of

hot and she’s divorced i said hey hope she gets a

drink sometime

wouldn’t that be cool

where she was now

huh where she live

uh well i should

say delaware

you’ve been to delaware i’ve been to maryland

so she you are you planning on trying to bang this

chair no but i think that would be kind of hot

banger to bang you the

you know we started something 30 years ago

that would be

the longest relationship i’ve ever had so she

would only be like five years

older than you so she’d be like 40 you think

yeah so something like that so 40

so it’s probably

still lubing up itself yeah

still still works do it once get out in and out

see what’s all

about if you got her pregnant

you got her

pregnant and then we both molested our girl a child no

see you just did what we’re talking about earlier don’t

i’m just kidding that was completely

yeah i know how rude

self in fact wait

what if she like fell in love with you

what if she’s always been in

love with me

i did that when you were eleven

but now i do know i know we were meant to be i know

how gross is the when when

someone says we were meant to be together and you just

wanna get the fuck away from them

like we we were meant to be together can’t see that

and you’re like oh my god do you know how much you

annoy me you know how much i can’t wait to get the fuck

away from you you tell me we’re meant to be together

yeah some people just want someone

they get so poisoned by music and

songs and stories

that they want it to work out the way it does in the

movies they want it to be like that

they want it to be some special person in their life

so even if it’s not a special

connection that

you have with some person they like pretend it is

because that’s

what they’ve always wanted they want to be in a fucking

sandra bullock

movie right mm hmm

it’s tough action man

i can’t stop thinking about my babysitter’s tits

that’s hilarious did

you ever play

doctor or do any of that creepy shit when you were a

child i had a 21 year old

chick that used to grab my dick when i was 13

i didn’t actually fuck her but she

would make out with me i

would tongue kiss her

and she would grab my dick

i was i was

gonna fuck her but i told i couldn’t

get it up i was like totally paranoid and panicked and

i was like i couldn’t i didn’t know exactly what was

going on like i had

never even orgasm before i

never masturbated before nothing

right so i went from nothing

to this woman she was 21 she had

tits and an ass and

she was getting

a boyfriend who was a construction worker

who was this fucking big manly dude with hairy

chest and he

would be doing his fucking construction work bare

chested like in the neighborhood

and i was like this was her boyfriend

and this bitch was a

right apparently anybody

could fuck her all you had to do was ask

oh that’s nice and she

would just let the

whole neighborhood just fucked her

you know she was just

completely insane

and she had me come over when i was

like 13 and i was like there’s no way this is really

gonna happen

she’s fucking 21 i’m 13 how is she even living at home

all these thoughts are

going through my

head right next

thing you know she’s

grabbing my dick and she’s sucking my tongue wow

what the fuck

this crazy bitch wants to fuck me and i’m 13

wow that’s awesome there’s a lot of those

chicks out there man i used to take me and my friend

would take all the neighborhood girls

and there was like four of them

and we’d line them up and make them all take off

their pants

and then we’d

stick pencils in them and smell them

and my friend was like he was

he was more

you put pencils in

their pussies yeah but do

things like that like was like playing doctor

or something like that you

fucking how many

girls you must to get i’m

did you grow fucking up that

fucking sexiest


it was the sexiest neighborhood in the

whole entire

world pencil

fuck my cousin was he wasn’t oh

your parents

to type with somebody

right right right

and i found her on facebook too

and then when she didn’t

reply back to me i started thinking

about all those times i used to give her a stabbing

when i was like 11 and she was like nine i

would feel her

stomach the next morning to see if she was pregnant

i was fucking you

know when you were 11

i would go down to

miami for the summers and you were banging her

well bang you put your

dick in your ass and get pumped like a cat you know

what i’m saying so you didn’t actually get it in there

who knew at that you

started sex at 11

but real sex

then i had another girl

that had hair on a pussy

she lived in the bronx

and i would go up there to

spend it with her and her family

on the weekends and i give her a little fucking malou

the girl that i told you that had the

bunch of abortions

there was also i was very

young by the time i got

older she had all the abortions

but when i was

young i dated her and this girl

all you have to do is

touch her tits just

touch them and she

would start

freaking out and go like this

i don’t know what it was

and i thought that like that would happen with

other girls too and he touched her tits and i like yeah

okay touching my tits come on let’s keep going

you know but it wasn’t the same

effect i’m like are your tits broken like

i’m grabbing your tit why aren’t you freaking out right

it’s funny she would

go into like spasms like oh

just touching her tits

yeah catholic

school that’s what that shit was i

would get new babysitters

and i thought they were all the same so like i

would get a new one and she’ll walk in and i’ll

smack her in the ass

she’s like what is that

that happened to me with the girl who molested me when

when she was 21 and i was 13

i started playing with real girls

after that like my age

right and when they’re my

age you know i’m like trying to grab

their ass or something

be like what the fuck are you doing

yeah like i thought we were

gonna do it

boys and girls do

right in this week what

you know they didn’t

want nothing to do with it like what you can’t just

jump right in a finger in me you

crazy asshole

that’s the problem with any

early sexual experience

if you’re having a sexual experience with someone who’s

older than you

you’re just jumping

right into the pool

so all your contemporaries

you know like everyone’s gonna go through this like

trial and error process

it’s normally

you know fifteen

year olds and sixteen year olds and whatever they just

start playing with each

other and then they

start fuck but they’re doing it all together

right just hop

right into someone sucking your dick some

crazy bitch that fucks everybody on the

block you like what

this is what we do we just

start fucking

right and we

go from nothing to hanging out with this whore

it was funny the

first girl i ever tongue kissed

i found on facebook recently and

she is the biggest

white piece of trash ever

and she’s got like

a hundred kids and she lives in florida and we found a

video of her and she’s like

i don’t know who’s talking

about snoop dogg

but i don’t

like it was

and she was fat

and it was like this

dream girl that i

think about all the time in my head like

frozen in my

head and now i see her and i’m like oh my god

god that is so awful

it’s funny when you look

back on the different types of people that you kind of

experiment with when you first

start dating

you know when you’re

young and you

don’t even know what the fuck you like and all of a

sudden you catch yourself out with some

chick who’s just

completely nuts yeah

think about how many fucking nutty bitches you

dated in your life joey diaz

one that showed up at rascals down the shore

oh in between

shows and she

weighed 400

pounds it looks like she had air tanks

she called rascals the

night before

yeah joey you don’t remember me from the sixth

grade yeah marjorie

i’ll fuck you come on down

that bitch showed up that

bitch was 480

took me to scales at a nickel and you

should have seen me backpedaling

on the phone i

was like i’m

gonna suck you fucking oh

no you were saying that yeah i’ll

come down i can’t wait to fuck you and all this shit

we should have fucked ten years ago but she threw the

when she shot and here’s the funny

thing that the

black dog guy

came to get me he’s like dog

there’s a fine

bitch waiting for you at the door

but to a black dude

480 blonde with a fucking cadillac

he went banana

that’s hilarious bananas

and i went out and i was like rascals down the

shore off route 34

yeah down the

block from that crazy

strip club but they have no air conditioning yeah

you know what’s the name of that place i forget this

all that shit’s gone rascals down the

shore was the shit rascals down the shore was the

shit those were

totally different

animals than the rascals in west orange yes

totally different

human beings

rascals west orange like a lot

of cool people normal people that worked in the city

and commuted and

lived in jersey and

you know it was a nice neighborhood

rascals down the

shore were fucking savages

they were barbarians

they’re a totally different

crowd right the

shore are savages

they are is he sure it’s

funny we knew

about that a long time ago but now the whole

world knows about that

those you ever do

those bob gonzo gigs

double jersey

shore yeah he just

he just contacted me on facebook hello

yeah he’s booking a few rumors i was thinking

about going to jersey and doing it huh

he does asbury

park or something like six rooms those were

great rooms

yeah in the summer

i did a bunch of his gigs

fuck yeah i did oh i did a tv show for him i did one

where he had there’s a guy named

uncle something or another

uncle floyd you know uncle floyd is uncle

floyd’s comedy

something uncle

floyd was that

this guy had like puppets and shit and he

apparently had

a tv show that was like really popular in jersey

i did that show yeah and

uncle floyd

would do stand up and i didn’t know who the fuck he was

and this uncle

floyd goes up

and fucking

levels the place

and i can’t believe this i can’t believe what i’m

watching it but to them it’s like nostalgia

you know like they’re loving it they’re going

crazy and i’m

like wow i had no idea this guy was popular

so i had to follow uncle

floyd and i was eating dick

eating dick on

stage fallen uncle

floyd nobody wanted to hear me

you know like they had just

heard this guy was like really famous

you know and i had no idea

where’d you

shoot this at

it was a shot this wasn’t

a tv show this was just

doing stand up

right in jersey yeah

it wasn’t you

right over no no but it was right on

sixty eighteen was

right over the bridge

i don’t even remember that

was a place

that was on the

beach it was

a place that was actually on the

beach it was like an outdoor

little venue

and it probably sat like

maybe a few hundred people

maybe 2 300

i don’t remember

my memory is real shaky from this time

but i remember this guy went up and

i’d never heard of him but they went not to anyone on

stage and i was like wow

and then they told me this is a

local new jersey

television show it’s

really popular i’m like whoa

but it was like really

clean too so

after that that’s the

worst thing you want someone killing when they’re

clean and then you go on

after them dirty

especially if

nobody knows you you just feel like such a sack of shit

there’s a really

great topic

that i started on your forms that just has been

becoming popular

again in the last two days

and i don’t know if you’ve ever read it it’s called the

story of haley riley

and i just retweeted it on my twitter

at redband but it’s

about this girl

that i used to be really good friends with that i

met on the internet

and every time

i would talk to her on the

phone she would send me

pictures she

was fucking gorgeous and one time in arizona

we were talking and she wanted to meet me but

she acted really

weird and wouldn’t come see me and

stuff like that and

she said she has a

secret or something like that

whatever it was kind of fucking

weird so i stopped kind of talking to her

after that because it was kind of

creepy anyways i

lately got an

email from a guy and he goes you know

he’s asking me if i

knew her and what i thought

about her and

stuff like that and there’s this long

email and there’s this whole

backstory of this

thing on your forums

so check it out

but turns out this girl was just a huge

crazy fat girl

and she just made up

a fake personnel

a fake name she

stole somebody’s identity

took all their

photos from

a myspace or a facebook

and she’s been doing this for

about 10 years

this guy flew down got a hotel

fucking spent all this money

then met the girl and she was

completely different from what she is

and now there’s photos of what the

real person looks like so this guy took this

photo and took the whole

story and made

an article about it no

me and him just

emailed back and forth he started sharing

photos we started talking i have the whole

thing how did he know that you knew

about her because

i think back in the day

somewhere like in live journal or something like that

i had my old website

on there connected to her somehow and he was just

asking if i ever knew her if i

still talked to her and

he was just trying to know that he

wasn’t some fat guy pretending to be some guy because

she totally

but she sent me

he started sending me

photos and we

figured it out and

everything out and i

tried to confront

haley and she

wouldn’t respond

anyways that was two years ago and now

there’s a new victim

read on the message

board is called what

it’s called the

story of haley

riley and it’s on the

front page of the message l e y

h a i l e y

last name is r e i l e y

and it’s on my you go to forum

joe rogan net

it’s in the shit talking 101 yeah

i posted on my twitter to red band

wow that’s interesting

could you imagine being that person that’s

gonna be a weird fantasy

world some new guy though is

emailing me

like it just happened

again then playing the sims

how’s that different than playing

world of warcraft and

what’s the point she’s playing

world of warcraft

yeah what’s the point

she’s pretending look you’re not a fucking wizard okay

and she’s not a hot chick

but she’s pretending

and she’s having a good goddamn time

she’s running around

just scamming dudes and getting them to fly in and

visit her and

she’s probably

crazy it’s so

weird though because your form members

your form members have been saying oh i got same

thing happened to me

and there’s like

three different side stories now

completely of the same topic

that’s kind of cool

yeah i think it’s kind of interesting

crazy i mean

she’s not hurting anybody she’s not asking for

money except

for the guy that’s

flying out and

spending money on broken

promises you

know what if you

play that fucking game you

should get busted anyway

did i ever tell you this is really fun

this is a crazy

story that’s supposed to fly her

out yeah he’s supposed to fly her around

he played thinking he’s a fucking

stiff i totally

made a bad move

rook takes bond i totally forgot

about a story that i’ve

never told you

and it’s the only time i’ve ever fucked a fat chick

same thing happened

to me the only time only time

like a real fucked one fat

chick like a real one

you know not like a little chunky i’m talking

i don’t like fat chicks it was

it make me fucking nervous it was

i don’t even like when they’re around giggling shit

i’m even scared to hug them

when aol first came

out they used to have profiles kind of like facebook

back in the days and you

would chat to people and

stuff like that this girl had a fake

all these fake

photos actually it wasn’t

fake it was when she lost a lot of weight or something

like that and then she gained the back maybe 100

pounds or something

and she wanted to get laid she

lived near me we used to private chat all the time

so i was like one day i got really

horny and i was like fuck you know

what let’s meet and i’ll pick you up come back my place

drink and fuck and she’s like oh yeah let’s do it

so anyways i come to

her sorority

house i come there and i’m like

i see this big

group of girls

and i see this hot girl and i’m like oh there she is

and then that

whole girl got

blocked like an

eclipse of this fat girl that came into my vision

and stepped in

front of the girl and it was her

and she was like a

blonde chick

probably about

180 maybe or

two hundred

maybe i mean she was

big and like

five four five

it was big but her face was cute type thing

and i was so like i remember driving back to my

place i’m like

this is bullshit what do i do i just stop

the car to that what why do you even litter in the car

so anyways i got

drunk and i fucked her

and then i took her

right home and i

deleted her i’ve

never talked again

and but you know what it was

some of the best

it was some of the best

pussy ever though it was

so fucking juicy

chicken weight

watches now that’s

five nine she’s

about one ninety

yeah bitches banging and i feel like

going up to it

i feel like

going up to and

going what the

fuck you want to lose weight for look at that ass

you know look at that fucking

monster of a

monster that you have

she’s in there counting

points it’s a

waste of fucking time this

chick’s pretty hot

some dudes love a

thick girl some

some dudes just love it they do not like fit girls

go to that fucking russian weed

store on sunset across from rock and roll routes

and you look

at that behemoth of a chicken you come out and tell

me that you

wouldn’t fuck this chick to

death how big is

she’s hotter than hot

and this bitch

everybody who goes in there walks out of that mummified

because you can’t

believe you want to fuck little milkshake and how fat

fifty pounds overweight

yep big fat kid

russian her name is natasha

something blew dirty

about russian bro

but this chick just

throws heat from the fucking what is it

about russian

brows it’s like a hardness yeah

that’s like

extra dirty but you don’t want to go to sleep

with a fucking scar

where your kidney you

know there’s something hot

you need to

be taught a lesson you know

i’ve waited online i’ve seen how the guys look at

the guys with

chicks guys are the handsome guys

check her out like

you know man i

would fuck just tell she’s

dirty but you

could tell she’s hot she’s

young twenty two

twenty two and big

catch her now

yeah actually

now before it all goes

south but she looks like one of

those girls is just big bone

but she’ll take you for the ride of her

fucking life

that ass is good when you eat that ass from behind

and now for a word

from his sponsor 60

pounds overweight and you’re eating her ass 50 say bro

sometimes that ass is good they’re eating cake and shit

they’re eating

cake and carvel

and dairy queen that ass is good

it’s yummy for your

tummy i’ve never been a

you know what i’d

never fucked a

chick fat when i was

drunk or nothing

like that but i

think i had like a

girlfriend once i was low on the

heavy side i give her a stabby

what are you doing that’s going off

headphones the

the fattest

girl i ever fucked was probably about 170

about once we do you guys weigh them before

you guys taking the routes

well i was probably about 170 at the time

so you know i looked at it on my specialized

about what i weigh yeah she’s like

shorter than me but thick

it’s unfortunate you know it’s a very sad

thing when you see a girl who like could be so hot

and she’s just got some weird food thing going on yeah

maybe some dna to be thick

this girl would go back and forth to

a thick chicken a fat chick there’s a big difference

but this girl would like to

she would chewy have these weird eating

things going this weird eating like beyonce she’s

thick yes hella

white burger yes of the fucking world up

to get her a little she

could yeah she goes yeah but

right now she’s perfect

you know it is she’s

got that one foot up in the air and she’s balancing

but as long as she’s balancing god damn

yeah that’s the perfect

shape like beyonce body

that’s what dudes like who know who likes

i don’t get that whole

skinny obsession

the girls in hollywood with this fucking

the stick figure body

what is that is that girls doing it for girls

what is that really fashion industry

is that what it is it’s totally the fashion industry is

the magazine industry

that they look better in

those kind of clothes

yeah but they don’t realize they don’t

they don’t look better to us

right it’s getting hot in this


air conditioning units

crashed real

skinny skinny skinny girl a good stab

was that pussy good or were you hitting uteruses

cartilage a little pussy

sucking all

tendons they always got that big bone in front of

noodle like that mountain noodle they’re so skinny

sometimes you’re

eating a noodle and you bang like a fucking

it’s like somebody hit you in the fucking teeth like

there’s that fucking

bone is right there

i want a woman with some fucking meat down there

dog tell me the

truth seriously you should

start a website

showing your balls

dropping as you’re losing weight

showing what your

balls look like people don’t want to see that they do

i was just discussing this with you because i

know you have

a certain interest in my balls

i’m on the new homeless investment

on my balls i’m on the new homeless diet

i’m trying to lose 35

pounds and i’m not shaving till i do

cause i fucking hate facial

hair so much so it’s making me want to fucking do it

quick and i’ve

never met anybody like you who goes so far down

you lose all the way and then you gain it

right back yeah

as soon as you

start dating a chick

well it’s cause i

would go out to eat so fucking much i

haven’t dated someone that likes to cook

you know it seems like i

dated is that what it is yeah totally

it just so it’s a food

thing it’s i eat out

every night you

could just get

crazy and just gorge no i just you know it’s just

it’s just normal i just

i don’t know

but yeah yeah i mean but i’ve lost 14 pounds in

what you like being skinny

huh you get

to be skinny you like

that right yeah my metabolism’s jacked man

why don’t you just

start working out hard

just one hour make one hour like weightlifting yeah

when you weightlift

man you burn off so many calories just

you don’t have to like lift

heavy just get like 25

pound dumbbells and i

wanna get a kettlebell

cleans and kettlebells are

great yeah i

wanna get a kettlebell

25 pound kettlebells all you need dude i do this one

crazy cardio workout

it’s a dvd that i do with just one 35

pound kettlebell it seems like

how’s that even

gonna get you

tired right

dude it gets your

heart is flying

your heart’s like

186 190 beats a minute and

and it takes forever to recover it’s fucking hard

man it’s a brutal brutal workout one little cowbell

just moving your

whole body making your

whole body warm

you do something

like that dude you can eat whatever the fuck you want

you know what’s

crazy is that

resveratrol or whatever i’ve been taking for the last

three weeks that shit has

destroyed my

appetite like

i i get full

so fast now

or i don’t even feel hungry

will you sure that’s reserved

wrong it seems like a

bunch of different changes in your personal

absolutely but

absolutely but that was one of the

things my dad

told me that it did for him so i’m like oh

really yeah but now it’s

like i really have a hard time trying to eat right now

ridiculous like i

would be halfway through a

salad and i’ll be like oh

we’re going we’re

going with joey

like a puss it makes you

brave you know i’m saying

italian deli

place the sausage and pepper subs

oh shit make it brave

dog it makes dieting easy

you’re hanging on to bill burr’s comb like it’s your ew

why are you

touching that there’s

white things in

it bill burr

is so old school

he carries a

comb in his pocket show it to the camera joey

bill burt show that comb to the camera yeah ma’am

oh yeah oh you got it

bill burt so old

school he carries a comb in his pocket

and money was here he left it

so we’re just

gonna leave it here out of respect

yeah till bill

burr returns we’re just gonna

leave it on his spot that’s his seat

i won’t let anybody hey joey

smell it and tell me what it

smells like fuck that shit

smells like redhead

sounds like red little nubbies and shit

did you guys hear

about that foxcom shit that company that’s

we talked about it several times in

the past this is the company that they make iphones and

their employees are killing themselves and shit

right well they put up

suicide nets now

so uh thank god that uh if

can you imagine just being somebody that’s like hey i’m

gonna get a job at fox com

you know and then you’re like

like touring

the job during your job interview and they’re

like what’s that and like oh that’s the suicide net

why would you be like

oh fuck i don’t

think i want to work here

to the shit you can just commit suicide but

you got a free pass yeah free shot

imagine you jump you like fuck it

yeah shit i

should have done this

ah net yeah

i think it might be fun

what if everyone just

starts trying to dive into it

yeah diving for fun

if you’re working in a

place that sucks that bad that so many

people are killing themselves they have to have nets up

chances are jumping in

those nets would be fun as shit yeah

anyways they’re

about to open another company

another location really yeah for 300 000

well you know we talked

about this before

you can’t get a fucking iphone for 200

bucks if you’re paying the people to work for you

yeah you just can’t

you gotta get

slave labor you

gotta get people to work for

fucking bowls of rice or 16

you know 16 hour days

and isn’t the iphone in most

electronics made by precious

metals or like the

you know like the minerals you know like

where people were shot

daily for these you know well all the shit that’s

going on in afghanistan

right a lot of what they’re

gonna get out

of the ground there shit to make an iphone

right exactly

it is it was

fucking incredible fine a trillion dollars

worth of minerals like we just

found it we didn’t even know it was there

meanwhile they said the soviet

union discovered this shit 30 years ago

i just couldn’t figure out how to get it out and

couldn’t figure out how to fucking control the region

you know what

what the fuck are we do joe diaz

give us your wisdom

what the fuck are we doing having wars in

2010 why do people

still tolerate it

because the heroin’s kicking over in afghanistan

it’s gotta have something to do with the heroin got

to do what you got to fucking do it hasn’t stopped

this war hasn’t stopped

ain’t gonna stop people

think that it’s ridiculous

think that heroin

has something to do with this war

but all you need to know

these are real facts is that over ninety percent of the

world’s heroin

is grown in afghanistan

over 90 percent

where’s the

other template that

where the fuck is that money

going is it

going to warlords because if it is

where’s their private jets okay

where’s the warlord how

come the warlord isn’t living like the fucking salt in

the brunei know why

where they how come they don’t have that money

maybe they do they

don’t they don’t it’s not like mexico

it’s not like

where is that

heroin money

going that shit’s coming straight to america son

that shits being flown in

barry seals in the fucking new

world order

they’re all flying that shit in and propeller

barry seal look

barry seal up educate

these mothers

barry seal was a guy who got killed he was

bringing in drugs from

south america

guy got murdered

while he was

going to testify and he had bush’s

phone number in his pocket

barry seal was the

definitive case he was connected to

every single

like big time drug dealer

pablo escobar all

those guys everybody in

south america this guy was connected to

and he got busted in

mina arkansas they

dropped a package off

what they used to do is they

would fly in

he would fly in from

south america on his little propeller

plane flying to arkansas

dropped the package off

by parachute

get out of the

plane and then the guys

would go at

the drop spot and pick up the parachute they

show up in a fucking pickup

truck or whatever they used

well some kids were fucking around in the woods and

these kids spotted the parachute drop

and when they went to go pick up the package they saw

these kids there

so they killed the kids

and they took the kids

bodies and they laid them on the tracks and

yeah and the autopsy came back

said that the

kids were high and they fell asleep on the tracks

so the parents said that’s ridiculous

my children didn’t do drugs i don’t believe you

so the parents

paid for their own autopsies and

their own autopsies

concluded that the kids were murdered that they were

stabbed they

found stab wounds on the body

so the parents

started trying to figure out what the fuck went

wrong and they

started figuring out who landed

planes and what happened

and then they busted scott

barry seals and

barry seals was a fucking employee of the cia

who had been flying drugs into this country for it

decades and he said that that’s just

what they do that’s what they’ve always done there’s

money out there to be made

and they know it and they make it and you’re talking

about the same people that are willing to

start wars they’re

willing to do that whole

gulf of tonkin

thing we went to the vietnam war

under false pretenses and

false flag attacks just in

order to make sure that we’re involved in disputes with

other countries

and one of the

things they do were involved with disputes of

other countries is they jack

their natural resources

and one of their natural resources are drugs

and what you don’t

think that afghanistan is a fucking gigantic

money hole for

those evil scumbags

that are willing to do shit like that

there’s so much

money there how do you

what the fuck do you do when there’s 90

of the world anything in one spot that’s worth

billions of dollars

billions billions

but it’s a ridiculous

thing if you say it you’re a nut

if you start saying

part of the reason

why we’re in afghanistan is because someone’s making

money off drugs

that’s definitely got to be something to do with it

people think you’re crazy

it’s not the

whole reason we’re there

but if you don’t

think it plays a part

you don’t think it has a saying wait

who’s making

money during the war you

gotta finance that fucking war

yeah where you

think finance is this shit you know

well you know the

whole thing that happened

during the reagan administration with the contras

you know and

when the that michael rupert guy busted the cia

selling drugs in the

los angeles ghettos

you know all that stuff is

that’s just

standard operational procedure

it just takes a

while for it

to pop out and get into the news sometimes you know

what the fuck did you see ari shafir on tmz today yeah

that’s great i was there that was a fun time but

him and who is roddy roddy piper

roddy roddy

piper beat him up on

stage yeah and people were

thinking that he really was a racist

which is a big problem with that

character he does people don’t know that it’s an act

you know that he’s just

trying to get people’s reactions and just be a nut and

have people

react to this

fake racist

character so they get

angry at him but he’s not really

racist right

well he kind of is like everyone else you

just get fucking saying

are he’s not a

racist at all i think

are he’s a very open minded objective person

so it’s kind of

funny that ari

would be playing this character the amazing

racist because

it was a joke it was a

joke for national lampoon and

should have

moved on but

do you think you

should have

moved on i think you

should drop it

i’ve told him many times i know

what have you told him

brian what do you say i just

think the character’s done that was

you know the

whole idea the

character’s done and you don’t want to really be

known for it that well

if the characters i

would have kept doing

videos as the character with no ideas

really i think you keep going

i think at a certain

point times like how many

stereotypes you gonna

it’s a joke that

you know you already did

the joke right

you there’s

no reason to keep on doing the same joke over and over

again i think you

do a jewish one and be done do you

think it’s just because he had too much

success with

it and he just got caught up in it probably

keep going absolutely

yeah that’s one of the most successful

things that he’s done you know that national lampoon

pretty famous but

you don’t see me make a

still making

carlos monsea videos

you know okay

you know like that’s that was probably my

most successful

video i’ve done but i don’t

even fart cub

yeah kitty fart

cubs absolutely the best

video i’ve ever done

that’s actually what all the girls like too

can you fart

up stuff it’s hilarious when the cat

reacts to your fart

you see the one

where i did lindsay lohan

yes i saw that too

that was pretty ridiculous

so now what happened with lindsay

lohan because i

drink that kombucha

shit and everybody saying that lindsay lohan

and she said that her bracelet went off because she was

drinking that kombucha and that kombucha has

a level of alcohol there’s something

going on with that because

it was pulled off the shelves off of

whole foods

and there’s some


about the alcohol content

that it’s less than one half of a person

right you don’t have to market

but if it’s more than one half a percent you have to

market and they’re saying it’s more

right so she was wearing one of the

scam bracelets

and it went

off and supposedly that’s what made it go off

now i don’t know if that’s true or not

but you know they

say that you’re not even supposed to have any kombucha

if you’re an alcoholic you’re not

supposed to

drink that shit it even

tastes like alcohol

you know it does you know i was rolling

i did jujitsu

after i drank one and this dude

said did you have a beer before you went to jujutsu

i said no drinking kombucha it’s all healthy and shit

right but i mean

maybe it has

this little tiny bit of alcohol in it but i’ve

never gotten

drunk off it or even felt a buzz but i’ll tell you one

thing man it’s

pump my fucking immune

system up through the roof

yeah i don’t get sick anymore

how many do you have a day one at

least two wow yeah i

drink like two a day i drink a

month all the time

i love them

i think they’re

delicious do you like the regular the best

i like the regular it’s my favorite yeah i’m not a big

fan of that

other one no they’re

great one too

strong ginger aid

the ginger aid i like is kinda

strong it’s

got a kick to it but the regular one’s fantastic

but i’m telling you man all this

travel i do

i was getting sick all the time

every couple

months i was battling

and i’m still working out

i’m still training

i’m working out as hard as i’ve ever worked out

and i’m not getting sick

it’s crazy and i

think it has to do with the probiotics

staying really regular

with your vitamins that’s very

important but it’s also maintaining a healthy bacteria

level in your body

acidophilus and

probiotic drinks

on the road i take the acid office with me

and i just you

know take that

and when i’m at home i

drink those fucking

drinks and i’m not getting sick

it’s crazy yeah

you’re exposed to so many different

varieties of germs and bullshit when you’re on the road

plus i’m way more careful now but like

washing my hands before i eat

smoking weed

with fucking strangers that are creepy looking

what about the germs that got into fucking

feed oil this week and let’s talk

about oh yeah let’s talk

about fade or

started jay this

is this is the bottom line

fade or had

never fought a guy who’s got a

guard like for doom

who’s he training with he’s not

training with anybody like verdoom

verdoom is top of the food

chain abu dhabi

champion and he’s a big man he’s like six foot

three six four

he’s a big fucking dude and he’s good his

guard is nasty

he’s got one of the best cards in the world

you try getting

sloppy with grounded

pound you leave arms in there he’s

gotta snatch

those arms up quick

and he’s got a tight game

and the beginning of the

round phaedra

wasn’t slippery yet you

know no one’s sweaty

they’re just

barely broken a

sweat so he’s got like a nice grip on him man

and we’re doomed man you let him catch you

in a technique battle

you battle his

guard from you know

when you’re on top and you

leave an arm in there

he’s gonna fuck you up man

because as you go to defend

he set him up man and

it was really beautiful to

watch when he did

he attacked the arm

and as phaidor

is defending the arm he’s

gotta pull the arm back

so as he’s defending the arm pulls the arm back

that’s when he slaps a triangle on

it’s like he just

put him in a

classic brazilian jujutsu

chain of submissions

he went 1 you defend this he goes to that

and as you defend the triangle you expose the arm

as you protect

the arm the triangle gets locked deeper bang bang bang

it was beautiful man it was beautiful

look phaidor is a bad

motherfucker he’s really like a guy who

could fight at 205

easy and he’s

fighting at

heavy weight

knocking guys out

you know he’s only six feet tall he’s

not a big guy some people say he’s actually only 5 11

he’s not a big guy but he’s incredibly talented

and incredibly inspirational you know

he’s a dude that makes people

excited you know they love the way

he carries himself even the way he handled the loss man

do you hear what he said

afterwards i said how do you feel

right and he says i feel nothing he goes

cause you can’t

stand it yeah

yeah you have to

people who don’t fall don’t know what it’s like to

stand when was his last

fight like main

fight before

that wasn’t like 70 years ago or something no

no what are people

saying about

that no he beat brett

rogers less than

shit it was only a few months ago

yeah less than

probably did

get him good

yeah he blasted him

knocked him out but

right after he beat him alstar over

him beat the fuck out of brett

rogers alstar over

him own brett

rogers he the

way he did it man was so precise on the feet

just high level fucking muay thai

does slip in the

punch and the shin

slams into the meat of the leg

you could see like

right away brett

rogers like oh fuck

like he could see

right away he was in

way way way way way over his head

and then alistar got brett

rogers on the ground and fucking pummeled him

it was a ridiculously one sided

fight what kind of

party is dana

white having this weekend

it’s having a big

party dana white is

having a fucking

laugh your ass off i just

saved 30 million

because now phaedor

unfortunately really does become irrelevant

because part of what made him

exciting was the fact that he was this undefeated

guy who seem

to be superhuman and

destroys tim

sylvia destroys andrei olofsky

like there’s an aura about him

some of the aura was

eroded slightly by the brett

rogers fight because brett

rogers got him down

was ground and

pounded and was connecting with big shots

and you looked at it

and you’re like what if brock got him in that spot if

brock got him

brett rogers bro

rock gets you in that spot a

you’re not getting up b

you’re gonna eat some

giant cinder

block fucking canned ham

fists this week is

gonna be crazy

so i i so anyway

that that eroded people’s

confidence in fade or a little bit

but what eroded my

confidence in it is when i saw the way alistar

handled brett

rogers i knew

alistar was

gonna fuck brett

rogers up but

i didn’t know he’s

gonna do it

like that the way he did it was perfect i mean he just

he shows how high level his

striking is

me beat botta

hari knocked

botta hari out

who is one of the very best kickboxers in the world

he’s beating a lot of dudes he fucked up

peter hurts

you know he

knocks dudes out man he’s a bad

motherfucker in kickboxing with the best in the world

you know he’s hanging with those guys

so when he got in there

against like an

mma fighter who’s just a brawler

he just opened up a can on them and you know

phaedor is not a technical striker

he’s very explosive and very fast and

you know he’s good and

tough and his technique is good

but he’s not like a guy who

could just step into k1 the way alstar does

and alstar has a

nasty ground game as well so the

transition between the two of them

is very smooth and when he took brett

rogers down he just controlled him on

the ground and beat the fuck out of him he really like

made a mockery over phaidor’s win

i mean it wasn’t

you know just i mean obviously it wasn’t the same

night it’s not the same

circumstances but the way he beat him i was like man

you know alistar to me is more

exciting really

right now than phaidor alistar

is that’s one of the scariest guys in the division

k1 level high level

striking and

nasty brazilian

jiu jitsu won

the european abu dhabi trials

submitted vitor

belfort you know it’s got a fucking sick guillotine man

what do you

think phaidor

would have to do to earn back

your like wow that guy’s on top of his game like who

would he have to

fight would he have to go to the

ufc now or yeah he’d have to go to

ufc and or fight

alstar and then go to the

ufc but and

fight for doom

again too i mean i’m

excited to see him

fight anybody it’s not that i’m not a phaidor fan

i love him but i

think you gotta

fight the best guys in the world

you gotta be in the heat with the best guys in the

world and there’s really no

shortcuts for that

there’s no shortcuts

for training with a guy like for reese

over doom there’s no

shortcuts to

learning how to get out of a

guard like that you gotta

experience it

and it’s pretty obvious

watching that

fight that you know he probably

hadn’t experienced that kind of shit before

you know i mean

he’s made some

critical errors

there’s a beautiful

video where

hener gracie and his brother break down

what phaidor did

wrong and what verdoom did

right oh wow explaining the triangle

beautiful you know and it’s like you know people

are looking at and they’re like this is like simple

jiu jitsu like he made mistakes

right and part of

these make mistakes because he’s got a very unorthodox

style he throws

big haymakers inside the

guard he’s been really

successful with that

but with a guy like for doom

you can’t do that he’s just

he’s there to catch

those little tiny tiny openings you know

he put a beating on man

you know what it was really

exciting about that night man

kang lee is

bringing taekwondo

back back kang

lee 38 years old

kung lee has that fucking step in turning side kick

he stands in a

southpaw stance with his

right leg forward

and he throws a left like steps forward

throwing a left

and dudes back out of the way just of the

punch but a turning side kick comes behind it so it’s a

360 degree turning side kick

he stands with his

right leg forward

throws the left hand and as he

throws the left

hand he steps forward with the left foot

and then spins

so there’s so much momentum he’s

running at you with that kick and blasts you

he’s doing shit with kicks man that

other people

aren’t doing and that’s one of them the way he

throws that 360 turning

sidekick i don’t see anybody else doing that a few guys

do a turning sidekick

but i don’t

see anybody else doing that 360 like he does it and

and his kicks are fucking deadly man

love throws a lot of high kicks to

you know what do you

think for this weekend so far

there’s a lot of fights i’m excited

about on this card how about chris lionel vs matt the

mortal brown shit

that fireman

that motherfucker that fight has fight of the

night written all over it both guys are savages

brown is a fucking

savage and chris

lidell don’t back down to shit

chris lidell i’ve never even seen that guy get rocked

i’ve seen him get busted open and bloody and

smashed in the face and hit with haymakers

but he always just bounces

right back that dude’s chin is made of cement

he’s a fucking monster and him and matt brown matt

brown is a warrior dude that guy’s a good fucking

fight that guy’s

strong his mind is strong too he

pre presses he stays on dudes and breaks dudes

so him and lidl is just a guaranteed fucking

guaranteed tons of fun

by the way mad props to the

ufc’s new website that’s fucking amazing

you like that oh it’s fucking awesome do you don’t

think it’s too much flash

uh well i mean it’s one of

those fun websites you know like i mean

i kinda miss the old one

yeah i like i like the

i mean there’s not

a choice to do just the

basic like a blog or something like that

it’s pretty

dope though when you do see like the different

fighters and you like

their focus on each frame

and matchup

it’s their like big

close up pictures and shit and that is flash huh

yeah it’s unfortunate

that it’s flash but

it’s pretty

sweet i like it

they could have done the same

thing with html5

i’m sure there

probably is a way to do that and that way you

could get it on your ipad

and on your iphone

because right now you can’t

fuck that’s more

just like fun

stuff that’s not like informative right now

so you want

like dvd extras

when you want to be able to get that on your

phone yeah i

guess it’s just not

it’s cool to look at

pictures and

stuff i guess

isn’t it crazy that porn is what’s pushing the

transition to html5 do you

hear about that

when porn backs something it’s usually pretty

legit you know

isn’t that nuts

how the fuck is anybody

still making

money off porn

uh no you know

uh we’ve talked

about this yeah

tyler knight you know

tyler knight mm hmm

that dude he’s um he’s making a

transition to

becoming an author he’s a really good writer he wrote

some really fucked up shit if you

i don’t know what his blog is but it just look up

tyler knight

blog you’ll find it online

and tyler’s are a really good writer but he’s got some

ridiculous stories

about porno sets and

scenes and he’s got a

story about failing

at a bukkake

you know you know a bukkake

event where like

literally hundreds of dudes are fucking this

chick and you know he’s in line with all

these dudes and he’s trying to keep his dick

card and he gets up and he totally fails

and stepping

stepping at

other dudes loads there’s loads everywhere

it’s so dark but it’s so well written too it’s just

really awesome

stuff i would have it all true i would have those

pool shoes those

slippers at your

shoes how about cleats

cleats would be better some softball

cleats just dig your way through the fucking

sticky lows

that’s hilarious

what the fuck but this guy

was in the porn business forever man and has some great

great stories

about the porn business

and now he’s just writing you know and

shit just stories

about the porn business

could keep me fascinated for years that’s a

crazy business dude

and he’s a regular really cool nice guy

do you ever see the cosby’s episode

or the cosby’s porno

with thomas

ward yeah thomas

ward i hung

out with that dude two weeks ago todd

where was he at at the comedy

store with one of his pornstar friends

really and she was like

i need your contacts

and she’s all on my face i’m like oh you smell like

crack and doritos

crack and doritos

and vd yeah

she was thomas

ward is a really

funny guy man

thomas ward was another guy that

i always was like how come

thomas ward didn’t hit

how come how come he didn’t make it

he’s loving it now man seems like he’s

looks like he’s living large now

he’s doing porn yeah he’s winning awards and

stuff i don’t

think he actually does the porn part though

right he just

does like acting in porn yeah but he’s like winning

winning awards winning porn awards yeah do

those count

they do count haha joey

joey we lost them it’s two hours in

i’d said my

blood sugars down i’m

thinking about that

sausage sub the air

conditioning is

my air conditioning is

broke in my office it’s being replaced

on tuesday so what’s today

wednesday tuesday tuesday

gotta wait a week

gotta wait a week

yeah they got to

order all the parts and all that shit so there’s no air

in the whole

house no no the

house has air just not my office

yeah you don’t like air

and you open the back window yeah

it gets hot as fuck in the valley

that’s one of the

things i miss

about colorado

never really got that hot

yeah my house

in colorado

no need for air conditioning ever

so i just open up a window

beautiful clean

mountain air

have some fucking tap

water your tap

water is a well how

about that sun

you’re drinking

water out of a fucking

stream it’s in the earth

yeah yeah man

i so want to move back to colorado

but mrs rogan

so not down for

getting the

another dog

eaten by a monster in the woods

that’s what

chloroforms for

chloroform the fucking talking about

that’s what

chloroforms for

no it’s not wake up

where are we

you’re in california

dude you can’t

live with someone and kidnap them move them to another

state especially with

babies and shit

it’s a lot of work what the

chloroform my joey

is gonna run joe diaz

where you at this weekend

what are you doing this weekend

i got a couple shows friday tell people

where they can see you

sal’s comedy

motherfucking hole

yeah south’s comedy

hole is a new

place that i want to

check out late

in probably

not i seen those new

place on the brea

tell me about this

place on the brea

tell me you’ve been there twice though where

it’s very avant garde it’s on libre and melrose

libre and melrose

i guess that’s where it is what are you asking me fuck

cause i wanna know

about it i’ve never been there before it’s a new

place in la

you gotta give me some props now i’m fucking

tired let’s go get a sausage and pepper sandwich oh

joey died he faded on us yeah

did you imagine that imagine if your job if you

could fall asleep after two hours

so it’s a good spot though

sal’s comedy hole on friday night and i’m going to the

spot tonight i have no fucking idea he’s gonna call

okay so call

sal’s comedy hole i don’t even give a fuck don’t call

sal’s comedy hole don’t bother

me i’m going to the improv

people want to see you

if someone’s in la and they’re looking for some comedy

thank you you’re on the late night show at the improv

which show ten o’clock

or the eleven

ten o’clock right

friday ten that’s the refried beans yes

okay so what time’s your spot

i have no idea when i get so you’re on that show so

if you want to see some good comedy

go to the improv

10 10 o’clock show absolutely friday night

joe diaz will be there

and brian and i will be

at the vegas

house of blues on friday night me and sam tripoli

and then on saturday

we’re gonna go to the ufc

saturday is probably

gonna work from your sponsor yeah

yeah fucking i can’t wait for stay what do you think is

gonna happen with shane car went in brock lesnar

i’ve been thinking

about i think brock lesson is gonna win this brock

smash first

round really

first round huh yeah what do you think take them down

pound on them pound them to death

and just gonna be stopped do you think that

shane carlin

won’t be able

to stop brock from taking them down yeah i

think brock’s just a

monster and you can’t

stop when that fist is coming at you and it’s just

gonna keep on coming and i

think he’s just gonna get

smashed brained

really yeah

so you know what

about the fact that

shane carwin is

literally i mean physically at least on

paper the same size

you know he

weighs the same amount and he’s

knocked out

every single person

every single

person bro it’s a fucking

different dance he’s a big dance

this is a big fucking dance

brock has been

there before you know how he’s a big fucking

dance brock

is so competitive

and he really feels i bet

he needs to come back he’s amazing

and i think he’s

just got a lot of time to

think about shit and a lot of

training to do and

he’s gonna probably be

more ready now than he’s ever been in his life i

think well you know he’s not even cutting weight

he’s walking around it like 265

he’s lost weight but fat

he’s like ripped he’s like in really good shape

like his mass is thick

because now he’s on this really

vegetable diet and

high in fiber and you know

broccoli and shit like that to go

along with the meat

so he’s got this diet that’s like a

cleaner diet and he

watches his food like

the countdown

show was pretty interesting when they were talking

about him coming back and they

started out nice and slow

he worked out they made sure his

heart rate didn’t go over certain beats per minute

and then they slowly

built him back and they

could see the

beast return

you know and then before you know it he’s fucking 280

pounds again

throwing people around that’d be

funny if his

tattoo grew like

e t’s flower got dead you know but

what if someone actually

tattooed a dick on

their chest

just like it

no like a dick

like no question at all

like a dick

would they let them

fight in the usc

what if you

got a guy like hector lombard who’s like the

bellator champion

very highly

touted middleweight one of the best in the world

but what if a guy like that level

decided to come like go me what if go me came over the

ufc and he tattooed a dick on his

chest well the probably make them

cover it up a bit

you know how you make a guy

cover it up they have makeup they just

put some they

can’t put makeup

on he’s gonna

fight man is it

a movie they

would take marker

maybe like permanent

marker permanent

marker and drop make it look like a person’s

face well someone

did that um

from the the wolf’s lair what the fuck is his name shit

god damn it

you know it’d be awesome if a

fighter came out his

name the english guy

paul kelly paul

kelly’s kelly

he left the wolf

slayer so he had like

marker and he put

a big x across the wolf

slayer on his back because he had

tattooed the wolf

slayer on his back

you know it’d be awesome what a fighter

should do what

as they should

draw all over their

face like make it look like they passed out at a

party you know like

have digs and cocks and get

those chemicals

in your skin you can get someone’s eye with

sweat you can’t do that

you can’t put anything on you’re not even

that’s why after the gsp bj pen

fight the corners

aren’t even allowed to put vaseline on

right they have

to the cut men have to do it and they control it

yeah it’s i don’t know man

what if someone did though what if someone did but you

think that would be you can’t

fight main event

fight main event

fight big event

like like a

lesnar carwin type

thing like gsp

right like gsp’s

gonna have this fucking big

crazy fight coming up with josh costcheck

right you know and

as you know he steps into the octagon

he realized gsp’s got a big dick

tattooed on his chest

a real dick

vein a black one a black dick

he just got crazy

and decided to give something that

you know my idea

is to distract people

they concentrate

on the black dick

you know probably

somewhere in the

contract you’re not allowed to do that yeah probably

no black ticks in your chest

you think so yeah it’s

probably it’s

probably something like that i can find that out well i

guess yeah yeah

i don’t even

ask them though because then dana

webb looking why the fuck are you asking me this

look are you high we’re gonna start

testing all right ladies and gentlemen

that’s about two

hours so joey diaz is

starving for a sausage and pepper sandwich

old school like they used to give you a

north bergen north

bergen you go down to get a fucking sausage and pepper

you can’t even get that shit

these fucking

half a fags i can’t make a goddamn sandwich

i want a fucking sausage and pepper

real peppers

and fucking

marinara sauce

hey joe what’s this flashlight

thing joey diaz

oh the flashlight joey diaz

you gotta do a word for the fucking

sponsor i’ve been telling you that we’re a half hour

joey diaz character

this motherfucker

stop fucking your hand

no this ain’t funny

this is the flashlight

well a word for our sponsor

we gotta keep the

lights on ladies and gentlemen

the way we do it is rubber assholes that’s what we do

that’s what

pays keep the

lights on it’s soft it’s

wonderful it feels good

if you leave it out in the sun it gets warm

and you can you could

you can also

put it in a

tub full of hot water

that’s a good move to

fill the tub out with hot

water bathtub

and then you

squirt some lube

put some lube in there

and then you

stick your wreck penis

and you like this

i haven’t even

thought about

doing it in the shower the only problem with the

flashlight is as much of a

loser as you feel like when you jerk off

you feel like five times more of a

loser when you nut into a rubber pussy

you just feel like a fucking idiot

but it’s an outstanding product it’s not like i’m

gonna stop using it

but you do feel

completely ridiculous

like if somebody

caught you beating off that’d be one thing

but if you know your girl walks in and you’re like

oh what you’re nutting into a rubber pussy

i mean it’s one of the most

ridiculous things you could ever get busted doing

fucking a rubber pussy

a real dollar probably way

worse though

yeah that would be totally

worse way worse because at

least this way you like i know it’s not a person

right i’m just watching porn and beating off

a real doll is really kind of fucking useless when you

think about it yeah

how dumb do you have to be to really

think that you’re having sex with a i

would want one just to

drive around with in the car and do practical jokes and

stuff like that that’s a good move but i

think cops look now

i think people have done shit like that

before i know people have been busted with masks and

stuff but if you put a fucking

seatbelt on that sunglasses there’s no way that cops

gonna know that’s fake you know

if you have tinted windows for sure

right then there’s no way he’s

gonna know yeah put

make it look like

put a helmet on him and bandages and shit like he’s the

mummy like something

fucking bad happened to him or

school girl

like a school girl outfit

no then the cops

gonna investigate

you you’re the

worst criminal of all time

alright this weekend joe diaz is at

south comedy hall on friday

night and the 10 pm show at the improv

don’t miss em it’s epic

stand up comedy it’s

real stand up comedy old

school joey we

gotta make a fucking cd with you this year

okay can we do that

absolutely can we make a cd

talking monkey


i put that shit out

should we do a dvd or a cd

we should do a goddamn

dvd dvd all

right we’re

gonna do that

it pains me to know

anne that joe diaz does not have a name

again it’s gonna be

even though you got a restraining

order i’m still

gonna fucking kill you

that’s the name of my arm

right there duck

i like it i like it we will go with that or what else

he decides tomorrow

even though you don’t have a restraining

order i’m still

gonna fucking kill you let’s plan this out

right now so

that people know

where we’re

gonna do this

where should we do this

where should we do we’re

gonna do this somewhere

you know what

we should do

here’s what we

should do we should

when i’m doing a weekend somewhere

like a dallas weekend or austin or something like that

where i’m doing friday and saturday and sunday

how about we fly in

thursday okay

we put it up

on twitter and the internet and i host it and i

bring you up let’s do it

i bring you up fire it up

recorded dvd

okay so let’s plan on doing that next time

and part of the tub

videos gonna be on there that we shoot

with the tank next week

in burbank that’ll be that’s what we’ll do i’ll host

it and we’ll

bring you up and we’ll have you know you’ll do like

do 45 minutes

45 minutes banging

out and we’ll have you know it’ll be fucking

perfect i don’t get it we need to

do that we’ve been needing to do that for a long time

so if you need to see joey

eventually gonna get to see him on dvd

but for now go to see him if you’re in la

sal’s comedy hole

friday night

and the improv 10 pm show

if you want to see me

house of blues friday

night in vegas

stay black it’s

gonna be the less

like calm it’s

gonna be the shit the

house of blues is and the

house of blues by the

way have you ever seen me there before and it was chaos

we completely revamped the

whole situation there’s no more standing

after we went to see doug stanhope

brian and i

went to see doug stanhope and ari went to and

it was so tiring just

standing up it was

awful it’s hard i did not know it was that hard to

watch a show i figured it was just like

i’m standing on

stage for an hour and a half

i think it’s no big deal

stand and watch but it’s a big deal it’s

annoying as fuck

especially because when i’m on

stage i can walk around and move and it

doesn’t feel so made me hate

the comedy when you’re

standing and you have to

stand in one spot too

and i kept like moving my arms stretching my backs are

hurting not fun so i decided

after that time

no more standing room shows

we’ve made one mistake

we did in memphis that one fucking show in memphis

which was a disaster

right there

was fucking

half the show was

standing and it was all a bar

and everybody was talking at the top of

their voice

and there was no

other venue available

in memphis when we were there so we took it but

when we do the

house of blues now

everybody seated so

they had to cut out a few hundred tickets

a few hundred seats because they used to let people

a few hundred people

stand over by the bar area but it became a disaster

everybody would talk and they

would yell shit out and they would

annoy the fuck out of the people that were sitting

so now it’s

sweet it’s nice everyone seated so that is

eight o’clock on friday and then

after that if you’re around

steel panthers

at midnight we’re

gonna go see that too

steel panther

fucking the rock show it’s the shit

yeah i can’t wait yeah it was

gonna be fun man the

guy is the greatest

ozzy osborne

impression in the history of the universe

alright ladies and gentlemen

thank you very much for

tuning into the podcast we

appreciate it and we’ll be back next week

and that’s it we love you bitches

may that one

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