The Joe Rogan Experience #39 - Joey Diaz, Eddie Bravo

ladies gentlemen


freaks and geeks

all my friends

lovers and children

welcome to the podcast

we’re here very much once

again for tuning in we’re here my road dogs

eddie bravo

and mad flavor

let me adjust

this camera because we can’t see you right

what up what up

better yeah bam there we go tuning in there

tuning in week number

it’s week many many many many weeks

and we’ve been having a good fucking time

we had a good goddamn time in boston

and we were talking

about this yesterday but we’ll talk

about it again just because

eddie’s here

it was fucking

crazy when i asked on

stage how many people listen to the podcast it’s like

this the ability

that you have when everybody went crazy was

a huge audience and there’s like i’d say like 60

of them 70 of them

said they listen to the podcast yeah it’s

crazy so it’s like it’s only gonna

keep doing that it’s all

only as long as you make

things that people

think are interesting it’s only

gonna like this is this is radio

this is this is just as

powerful as any

radio station that’s ever

existed without the bullshit and the drama

yeah nothing

and all that shit

this is just straight up talking

what the fuck happened to that kid

all right there we are i’m a

terrible camera man looking

sharp brian’s off

yeah brian is off in ohio

with his lady friend all right meeting the family

beautiful having a good goddamn time

getting the

freak on what’s wrong with eddie bravo

what’s called

eddie bravo’s eddie bravo

what do you know strange character

it’s funny you all understand eddie bravo when the

tenth planet reality show comes to light

tenth planet riverside bitches respect

it’s funny because i was talking to you on the

phone last week

and you said that you went to see a shitty movie

but you’re one of the few people

like me that take a shitty

movie and make it work for us

you know i’m saying like we really make it work for us

we see what the bad

points are and you said you

watch the expendables or whatever

and it’s so

weird how we

learned that

from paul mooney we had a conversation once about

when you’re a comedian

you should get


yeah i’ll tell you something

the last two weeks i’ve done something

that has blown me

apart i want to see a different form of


i want to watch

eddie bravo teach

oh yeah that’s

entertainment and the way that

place is the way you sit

it’s like a big fucking

stage like if i had

one man show i

would do it there with the mats

facing everything

and i started

watching him

and the first week he

taught this move where

you’re hitting the guy and then you roll and

take his leg and the guy gives you an arm so you have

three different options

and then last week he was

when you were there by the way

you know the fucking move just

gotta let it

go like this

and you hit him you’re on his back

so you take this leg

and you hook double hook on this leg and you pull over

so you take his arm

from spider web

yeah oh no no the truck

really cool really cool but

just the way

eddie was teaching yeah

you remember

george come on dog if i didn’t remember

i thought you were just making shit up

i thought you were

just being funny

cause in the beginning of the dvd

you know because at that

point you didn’t really know the

system at all so

that’s the beauty of it is you were just talking

about not of the living dead

and then i flip

you with the butterfly hooks and then

no no so last week you

start on the guy’s back with your two hooks in

you get the guy in the head

he thinks you’re

gonna choke him out

and you flip over you so you got this leg

you take it

to the truck baby

got the truck

and it was really

weird how i went home and it fucked at me

then i was doing doing comedy it affected you like if

it fucked with me like like i thought

about it when i left there

and then i went the

other night

which was a very simple hold

where it was completely

controlling the guy with the

underhook which you really good at he said

we’re gonna

george sonoroplus is

in town he’s

been in town for the last two weeks so we’ve been

focusing on

over hook butterfly

stuff to rubber

guard so but the

point being that situation was that

i was very intrigued

while i was

watching him

thank you i don’t get intrigued by dick

i didn’t go see avatar

all these movies don’t do dick to me well when

someone’s really good

at something when

someone’s really good at something and really good at

speaking about that something

it’s always fascinating but how he walks he keeps it

he doesn’t like a

stand up comic

he walks in a certain area

so people have to look at and he

doesn’t even know what he’s doing he

doesn’t know

how just being him he commands attention

you know he’s not a big guy

he’s not a flamboyant guy

but i couldn’t take my fucking eyes off are you gay for

eddie no i’m

still like you’re gay for

eddie i’m talking

about what i

learned this week sometimes how you go i

think joey just came out to us i’m supposed to go

i’m supposed to go to like beautiful

theater and see some fucking guy that’s not

funny and be


those guys are funny

but i obviously

went to see different and jujutsu

class and was very

entertained and was very

and that was the whole

point of this it wasn’t

about the fucking

ucb theater what the fuck is

you that you

locked me in

yes it was very

you know i have

never you know you locked me in all the time

joe you know that shit

when you’re on

stage you i

learned something you know how fucking much

great shit i talk

about you to

everybody that’s

what tell everybody

is a ringing all the time you know

tell everybody game

recognizes game bitches

like originally with the temp planet kush

originally was

gonna be the both of us

but when joey’s around i’m like why

would i want to put the fucking camera on me i’m just

gonna keep it on joey

but it’s i can’t really

speak my mind anyways

i like being really honest

i can’t really be

that honest

people’s feelings

i can’t really be that honest and joey can just

smash people and

you know what it’s hilarious

i didn’t say it i wonder i didn’t

say it i wonder if dudes get

upset at some of your


marcus davis

davis burn the kilt

he’s got yes

yes you know what

marcus davis

marcus davis

kenny florian

i fucking love you guys

man you know you’re my dogs you know what i’m saying

this is all


i didn’t say shit

now we just say listen

the kenny i picked

kenny florian to win

this is a youtube clip we discussed

oh i know but

check this out but

check this out

what we’re talking

about actually

is probably on youtube

right now i uploaded it

about seventy three my

fucking segway right

can we play it

no we can’t we can’t

okay alright you have to have two laptops to play

brian is not here

right now so okay

i barely know what i’m doing just navigate

straight even with

brian here the fucking

you okay but anyways what we’re talking about

this this review we’re talking

about is actually just being released

as we speak

right now it’s

tenth planet kush

episode nineteen

featuring joe rogan

that’s the one it’s up like

right this second probably and

joey fucking goes off and i

i gotta put i

gotta put like a warning

thing before this

the views of joey karate

do not reflect the views of

any problem

right i just

i gotta put that up

i didn’t go off i love let me tell you something

you’ll see what we

mean it was

funny because i said i read something that

dana had mentioned that what’s his name choked

and i started

thinking about

kenny flooring

and i thinking

about i said you know what

how can i say that about

a guy that i’ve never

tried what he’s doing

like this is to the

point point in my life

where i’m at

i could never say somebody choked

you know maybe had a bad day

or then i started

thinking about

here like six bad days you know what i

never said he choked on him like that all i said was

i was fucking

all i said was he was as

skinny as jesus

well people will see exactly what you said when they

watched the episode well

you know what it’s all

funny so what

it is for the people who don’t know what we’re talking

about joey does this

breakdown of the

ufcs as joey karate

was a cuban

black belt and it’s probably

even if you’re not

a ufc fan it’s probably the funniest fucking

thing you’re watching

it’s the funniest

possible most


reviews of ufc previews

and reviews

sometimes we review

a show sometimes

there is nothing out there fuck espn

fuck all that ht nut shit

there’s nobody

that brings the fire like joey

all that shit’s

entertaining to a

point but i don’t know how many times i

fucking turned it off halfway through

mma live and half

it’s just it’s

when you hear joey do it fuck you

fucking wanted to last

30 minutes and i’m always

two or three or

three and three

might pick some

money you understand because i’ve

learned from these guys

and i know what it is to get beat up

so i watch these

fights and that’s how i pick the

things i’ve been like two other

three lately with the two

key matchups always being money

so i’m not that fucking

bad no you’re very good you’re very accurate with it

i don’t want to see that many guys talking

about fights and

analyzing fights

you know i don’t like there’s

not a lot of guys i like to listen to dude i want funny

yeah you know what i i respect

everybody out there doing to me

personally i don’t get nearly as much insight from

like any articles or any commentators i get it from

mma forums i

think dudes

have more opinions and better opinions and better

points of view

on mma forums

absolutely interactive

there’s some very good writers

guys who write on the


there’s guys who

write on the

underground that you read

their shit and like this guy’s a fucking author

i mean he might as well be writing for a

magazine this is like really well written a really well

written breakdown of the event of a guy’s performance

that that’s to me

just because a guy has a job with yahoo

doesn’t make him more credible than

you know make fuck

stick one on the


they’re just

human beings

just writing their

own exactly

you know this need to be official on espn com to me

i’m interacting with people on the

underground and getting someone’s opinion

a bit more insight

as to how fights

gonna go down from that and i

think than any of the websites online

you know the one time i do like

hearing what a

fighter actually has to say

about a fight the one time when they’re talking

about stuff that i

that the public and

me included

really don’t know about

what’s really going on

in that fucking cage

you know what i mean

very few people experience

fighting in

front of the

fucking world

so when a guy’s

breaking down a

fight and they see something a chink in that guy’s

armor like he folds

or you know like maybe

fighters can

after a while some

fighters are

known as folders

right they just fold

under the pressure

you know and

fighters see that

quicker than the average

person so i like that kind of insight yeah there

was a time when i was doing commentary with randy and

a dude got poked in the eye

and the referee

went over to him and he said can you see

and he’s like man i don’t know i don’t know i

could see and

randy got angry

randy goes you

never tell him you can’t see

he goes if he tells him he can’t see it means he

doesn’t wanna fight

and i was like whoa he got like really intense

like his crazy

like you know a competitive

drive came out when he was discussing this

other guy that’s fascinating yeah

that’s not that

yeah but i don’t

wanna hear like it

a bunch of analysts sitting around

going what he has to do is

click we just got to keep the fight

standing shut up shut up

stop it stop it i want to hear you

i see cock suckers

i’m going my man

the caveman

geico guida

take down ground and

pound it’s all happening dog

you ain’t stopping it

that’s what i want to hear that kind of

stuff i do enjoy inside

mma though i

watch that shit all the

time because i

bring in some some cool fighters

i’m a boss written

fan to the yeah

he’s fucking

hysterical and the craziest

right you know what i mean

baz is insane

they let an insane man

host a fucking show

that’s hilarious we

flew we flew to

boston on the same

plane we’re

in the same flight he’s nice as fuck one of the nicest

guys i’ve ever met so roz

is super crazy nice

but he’s also crazy

so we’re on the

plane right so boss is on the

plane and he goes up to use the restroom

and one of the

ladies that’s working for the

plane is like

are you here for the wrestling

thing you know and he’s like

yes mixed martial arts went there for

mixed martial arts

and she tells him

that her husband

has hands that he

or her boyfriend

has hands that he had registered as a deadly weapon

and boss became obsessed with this

boss is like this is not true

you know i told her bullshit

you know boss

is like telling me that he told her bullshit

we got off the

plane he was

still down she’s telling me

her boyfriends

hands are registered

as a deadly weapon i’m like no fucking way

it was like

super amped up about this

oh yeah i mean

just listen to some of the shit he said on

pie awesome

oh my god he’s got like

at least 15 to 20

classic lines like

you want to put that shit on a loop

and on top of that

crazy shit badass

fighter i mean he was one of the

one of the premier

strikers in mma

during his era

like when he took out to


watch that fucking fight

watch that fight

where he won the

title he’s a bad


that wasn’t actually one of the

title that was the

first fight he had in the ufc

on the posters it said

the world’s

greatest martial

artist that’s how they were

bringing him in

as the world’s

greatest martial artist

and boss just

fucked up to

yoshikosaka just

blasting him

like there wasn’t very many dudes who were

striking like that in the ufc and

kosaka’s fucking

tough as fuck dude

tough as fuck

boss was a savage man his

his attack man he could kick

so fucking hard

i remember when he

first fought in pancreas

all these dudes were kind of doing the same kind of

thing the pancreas

is they had open hand slaps you

weren’t allowed to punch

and there’s a lot of dudes that

weren’t kicking very good they just were kind of like

they take a guy down and dive on leg locks

all these shin

pads and these

shoes on like you

could grab a hold of a dude’s feet

pretty easy and a lot of dudes were doing leg locks

boss root and came out of nowhere

blasting dudes with kicks

just boom you

would see them hit

these guys they’re

like what the fuck is he doing and the palm

strikes these japanese

guys weren’t

they didn’t have

they were just slapping each

other and grappling

he said wait a

minute we could slap hmm

how about i fucking

slap you really fucking hard so he came in and he was

fucking iron

palming don’t what he was doing was boss

could pull his hand way back

so he was basically just

punching you

with this he was

using all his

punch techniques

but he was hitting

you with the you know the meat of your hand

which really is better because it

doesn’t hurt your knuckles

your hands don’t break

you can hit some shit really hard

like that he was

knocking people out with

these slaps the japs

crush anybody out but his

uppercut slaps

knocking dude

senseless you know what’s crazy is i

went to amsterdam

with baz root and dude when i

in 2001 i commented

for a show called too hot to handle in holland

while i was working for king of the cage and pride

they fucking hired me

so we’re on

the same flight we’re all in the same flight he

lived in la

and this is when he was

crazy as fuck

gonna get into detail what happened

i don’t want to

bust them out

but he’s known as a

crazy wild man yes on the fucking

plane was a

crazy wild man on the

plane and i can’t get into details but god damn

damn it when we get to holland

we partied all fucking

i was i have

about a hundred

pictures of me and boss

all fucked up in holland

jack everywhere

i can’t even

begin to tell you do you remember any of it

i remember all of it well i remember a lot of shit

thanks to pictures

cause we took a lot of

pictures but and then you

watch the pictures and you go is it

weird how your memories become

memories of the

pictures you

know what i mean

you actually remember that

those are your memories the picture

well memories are only relevant

if you use em

if it’s a memory that’s

never going to come up it’s really hard to retrieve

if it doesn’t have any emotional

like bearing in your life

like i have memories from my

early childhood because they were like

strong moments that meant something to me i

learned something from that

experience but if like a regular memory just

hanging out with somebody

how long do you remember that for

good memories

i remember a lot of

dude as i get

older i feel like i have less room on my hard

drive i feel like i got an old hard

drive that’s

filled up with shit

i remember the dumb

stuff but i do remember the important stuff

i got a question for you joe

what do you

think out of

everything you’ve heard and

about pancreas

i mean what do you

think i don’t know what to

think but ken shamrock told me

ken shamrock told me came out of his

mouth that all

those pancreas

fights were worked

that were set up

except all except

for when foreigners fought each

other they would just let them fight

wow but when it was japanese against

a foreigner

like he said he

was he actually worked for the japanese

he was in pancreas

as their american

to fight so they can mix it in with the europeans

that’s what he said he said

i was brought in you had to be really good

you said the same thing

yeah because he said he was

you had to be really really good because you had

you know if you had

if they asked you to take them to like the

later rounds or whatever take them late into the

fight you had to be good enough too because

sometimes the foreigners didn’t know they were fixed

he said the foreigners didn’t always know

but we would control it like we were

so the foreigners

you’d have to make sure you just didn’t

knock them out

you know something

with them they were trying to

create characters and do different shit what

would they do if the foreigner got hurt

dude this is

just all i don’t know if this is true or not so

is it all about gambling is that what it is

i don’t know but x

fights i mean if it’s all

about predicting the outcome is it like pro

wrestling with

fighting what is it

i think it was i

think it was a

half pro wrestling half real

you know what i mean i think that’s a pancreas

but i don’t know man this is what ken shamrock yeah

i don’t know i

wouldn’t know i wouldn’t know because i do know one

thing that fucking

frank shamrock against alan goes

that shit was real that was pancreas

was it and that was real as fuck do you

know that no i don’t remember that fight at all damn

was it good alan goals was all over frank shamrock

really but you could if you grab the rope

if you got to let go the hold and start again

so you don’t fucking hold if you can grab the rope

so weird alan

goes alan goes was all all over

frank shamrock

frank shamrock just started right he had she was so

green he really didn’t know jiu jitsu that well

he was just a real

natural athlete

powerful strong

he was always explosive he was just a fitness fucking

powerhouse and he knew some some shit from ken shamrock

but he wasn’t that good at that point

and alan goes

was all over him and if it wasn’t for the ropes

he would have fucking

but at the end

frank shamrock got him in a fucking foot lock dude

and alan goes couldn’t

reach the rope

and he fucking jacked him and

broke his ankle

really yeah but it was like a draw i

think i don’t remember exactly if

it was a disqualification

i don’t know there was something at the end

i don’t know who won

but i do know alan goes was all over him

but he got saved

frank shamrock kept

saving the ropes and then at the end he got him in an

ankle lock man and alan goes

didn’t defend

right and he

broke it i mean

he screams alice

screams i was surprised if

frank shamrock retired

i was surprised you got real commentator for the

strike force but he’s not hasn’t retired

he said he retired he had a

big oh dude he retired ceremony

dude he had a big ceremony

stood in the middle of the octagon and

you know how many times ozzy retired

you know how many times

i was born exactly

how many farewell tours technically

he’s had several farewell

to farewell

okay so you

think can you think frank shamrock

getting in that cage just bowing everybody’s public

stunt yeah eventually he’s

gonna come back

and make it like it’s a really big deal he’s coming

i’m not i’m not

gonna say it was a publicity

stunt because

maybe he believes he’s really retiring

but i believe

and he hasn’t made that much

money he hasn’t made that much

money and you have all these

boxes that have

made gazillions and boxing happens all the time

all these four

boxes are made gazelle you get used to the money

damn if i fight

again that could

fight for like

dude i can make

five like two hundred thousand dollars like

that means a lot to

these guys these guys aren’t rich

they’ll come back

you know what i mean

they’ll always come

back i think

he’s coming

he’s in his late thirties i believe he’s

about 37 you know

even guys with millions come back for the money

yeah and he didn’t make millions well he’s a

smart guy though

you know but i respect

him i’m not saying this i’m not saying

i think he could do anything and i

think if he decides that he

doesn’t want to compete anymore why

should he compete

if it’s not as hard

anymore and he feels like his performances reflect that

why not just

step down why not stop doing it if you can get over it

the real problem with

fighters is at a certain

point in time your

self esteem and your

self worth evolves

completely around your ability to

fight and beat people up

and when you can’t do it anymore you feel like a loser

a lot of guys

they don’t even know who they are

when they stop competing because it’s such an intense

experience that a

giant chunk of

their life is

dedicated to getting really good at it

to getting good at

fighting their

whole life revolves around

their fighting

and then when they’re not

fighting it’s like they’re lost

like when i was doing comedy and i was sucking

one of the best

things that happened to me is i tore my acl

and the reason being is i couldn’t

train i couldn’t do anything and

i certainly couldn’t

fight and i needed an operation

but it took

competing as an option away from me

i was 21 years old

and it took it away

now i was like i can’t compete anymore

my legs fucked okay so now

i do have to concentrate on the next

phase of my life because

otherwise the thing

about martial arts was this is the only

thing i’d ever done that

i was good at

so i would do

other things that suck at them

i’m like but i’m good at this what the fuck am i doing

why am i getting away from this my

brain would be like

you don’t want to do something and be terrible at it

do something

to be good at it even if there’s no fucking

money in it no future in it you know

you can get really

really really attached to the idea of who you are and

being a fighter

it’s very difficult for

those guys to step away

you can call it the

glory everybody says it’s the glory

it’s far more complicated than that it’s who they are

it’s all the

sudden their life is not

wrapped around

training camps

and preparing and improving your

skills to face the next

level and to get to the top and

get your title back once you’ve lost it and

it’s not that anymore now it’s just

you’re just a regular dude

well if you

were just a regular dude there’s nothing sad

about being a regular dude

but i guess if you’re a

fighter and you

go to become

just being a

regular dude for a lot of them it’s just too

much to handle they don’t want them in a normal life

they’re wired for fucking craziness

you know they’re

wired for that extreme experience

that’s just hard to walk away from huh dude

i mean nothing

could feel better than beating someone’s like

winning the belt

in the ufc main

card when chocolate dominos

those arms back and yeah i mean

what feels better than that

yeah i mean

it looks like you’re the number one guy on the planet

chuck would do that and

throw his arms back it looks like he’s got like the

whole fucking like you

should be glowing

yeah like there’s a

lightning bolt

like the universe

of course you get addicted to that when

you need that that

field when he

smashed he oh

and you know and

after it was over he was so

fired up because

tito talks so much shit

chuck is like the nicest guy in the world but

if you talk shit

chuck liddell

is the last person you want to

talk shit because he just wants to take it out on you

he wanted to take it out on

tito so bad

and when he

knocked him out

and he fucking

threw his arms back wow

you could it’s

literally was like it was like that it was like a

black hole was opening up dude

were you there when did i tell you the

story about

chuck liddell

partying and some

what dana’s

lawyer or something

grabbing some

chicks ass that story

and all that shit

should you be telling us um

i don’t know the guy’s name so it

doesn’t matter was just a guy

so well did he do something that can get him in trouble

no no no no no no no no no

no there’s a you said grab

no no chuck

loves the story no no chuck loves the story

no no no what happened is we’re at some club in

vegas excess or some shit

and it’s like

dana lorenzo

chucks there

like they’re mad this guy this guy i’m talking to

the lawyer guy one of the

have a bunch of lawyers so a lawyer for something

right little guy

he’s all sitting there we’re all at a table and

right next to the next table

is this straight baller like

he had to be a rapper or

like cause he was a straight making it rain

throwing what it was funny

oh wait a minute dude i was there

the guy that got mouthy with chuck yes

yes remember he started throwing ones up

and it was funny

he was the dude next to us was throwing up ones

then ones were landing on our

table we had billionaires there

nobody’s picking up the fucking ones dude

they’re just all over our feet

the guys make it rain and no one

gets just so anyways i got loud and

mouthy no no no no no he had a bunch of girls

in that the

rapper guy it was just him by himself with a bunch of

chicks at his

table and we’re

right next to him

and i’m sitting there like

looking at all the girls

going goddamn there’s a

this guy has

got a lot of girls like what the what does he do right

and i think i

think i don’t

know what he was an athlete or some probably sold coke

and so the the lawyer

that was sitting next to me we’re both looking over

we’re both looking over at all the

chicks and i’m

going goddamn

he’s got some hot ones

and the lawyer guy

reaches over at

their team and grabs a

chick’s ass

oh and the girl

turns around and goes who the fuck did that

and the lawyer

pointed at me

he said me i go whoa

wait a minute wait a minute

give up this guy’s name who is that i don’t know

his name i don’t know his name

i don’t have no idea who he is but

he was with everybody

and he was just like wow he

grabbed the girl’s ass

and then the girl goes who

grabbed my ass

he goes he pointed to me i go

dude it was

him fuck you

i didn’t grab no girls ass he fucking

pointed he pointed at me

right we have

to find who this guy is

so that girl grabs

the fucking athlete dude

right comes over and he gets

right in his fucking face and he’s

right there

saying did you and

the guy keeps trying to

shake it loyal guy

tries to shake his

ankles like fuck you shaking

you grab a fucking asshole

fuck you up

right here he’s like running his face

let me shake your hand

let’s just talk this

fuck your hand man

fuck your hand man he goes

let’s just talk this because i’m a

fuck you up

right here and then

while this is happening

fucking patrick

calls chuck or dana calls

chuck or lorenzo one of them

they call chuck

chuck just hanging out on the

other side of the table

he looks over the go chuck

handle that shit

chuck win fucking

dude he went

right into that guy’s face so what the fuck you

gonna do he didn’t even know what the fuck happened

and the guy

starts going

trying to shake

chuck’s hand

you try to shake

chuck’s hand

chuckles fuck you

you fuck with anybody here i’m

gonna fucking kill you

did i wait a

minute you sure that that’s what he said

cause it was

you weren’t

right there though i was there was

screaming at him really yeah and the guy was trying to

shake chuck

santa chuck was like oh chuck see

it seemed to me a little bit more

less intense than

no no that’s a

guy was definitely

very aggro but

chuck did get in his face

oh dude check that

right in his

face and shut him down

fucking registered with the fbi

what happened

there’s only

black guys and

their cousins you ever noticed that

when i was a

white karate guys

when i was a kid

no they don’t

exist when i was a kid growing up

if you were

black and you were talking about

bruce lee was always that

black guy said listen

i got a cousin who’s a

black belt who’s got his hands registered with the yeah

actually have your hair only black guys exactly

maybe 20 years ago i think if you had a

i think if you had a black belt karate

in some states

you had a register your hands

that’s ever been the case

but you never heard about that i’ve heard

about that people heard about it but it’s not real

it’s just things that people make

i don’t think there’s any

place that makes you

register your hands as deadly weapon are you sure i’m

almost positive

a hundred percent we got

a hundred i’m

not a lot ninety

i think somewhere

i was very sure this is not true

no he does not

boss is very upset

or professional fighter

and something ever goes down

you always lose because that’s the case

that’s not necessarily

the case that’s roger work that thing

everybody thinks he was in the right that guy that

knocked out that chicken but

things have changed now i think

you know but

20 years ago there was something there was some states

that’s a video there’s a

video of that guy being an aggressive douchebag i know

that’s where the evidence is it’s a good

thing it’s card

off in texas

yeah well the guy the guy punch this chick in the face

like just it’s the beginning of the

video and the guy just

whoever’s filming it looks like he just got

lucky and caught this on tape

but this big

black dude he’s a fucking

like a quarter

what’s going on here nothing

just hold it like a mic

nah i’m not in the mood i’m over here hanging

relaxing this big big guys like 250

fucking giant muscles walks up to this chick and just

blasts her in the face and sucker punches her

and everybody’s like what the fuck

the dude’s so big nobody wants to do anything well

roger queerte gets right up to the guy and goes hey man

he’s got his hands up like this

man you just knocked out a girl

and the guy’s like i’ll

knock out any

bitch i want i’ll knock your

bitch ass out

and the guy took his shirt off

so roger werte goes alright i

guess we’re going

roger werte takes his shirt off and

there’s a lot of scramble in the camera it’s

tough to see what’s going on

seconds later

maybe four maybe five the dude’s

unconscious on the ground and

roger wert just beaten down on him

just bla bla bla

i mean it’s like karma like a movie

it’s like he’s an action hero he’s like spider man

he just blasts

this dude out of nowhere and they all got it on video

and you can’t say anything because the guy hit a check

it’s like the perfect scenario

it’s like here’s a guy

using his martial arts for good


i mean he’s in a place

where a guy assaults a woman and

hits her with a sucker punch

he confronts the

man with his hands up in a passive way like this like

hey man what the fuck you just

knocked out a girl like

surely there’s

gotta be a reason for this

you know yeah that girl killed my

mother you know what i’m saying you know you never know

he’s like i’ll

knock out any

bitch ass i want i’ll

knock your bitch ass out too

and roger werrick

kicks his ass and it’s all on

video i love it

roger worth the captain save a hoe

love it give him a cape

right now it’s over

i don’t think he meant to do it i

think he couldn’t help himself

you know that guy went through a lot of

abuse when he was a kid

he’s very sensitive to bullies i

think when he sees a situation like

that it’s like you have to step in and do something

like that girl just got

punched i mean

even if it was for a reason

what could it have been i mean

what’s the reason to walk up to a chicken sucker

punch you drown your

puppy what the fuck

you know what is it

there’s no reason why

would i sucker punch a chick let me think

she would have had to

have the keys to the nuclear bomb she’s

right you know what if

she stole my fucking phone i would fucking

if she stole my phone i would sucker punch

her really yeah that’s all it takes a girl has to

steal your phone and you’ll sucker punch i fucking

wow you’re very close with your phone

he loves his phone

no my laptop my laptop

maybe my phone i would i would like

push your head what’s the longest

time you’ve been without a phone and without internet

connection what’s the longest time

man at amp t is worldwide

they suck locally

at amp t sucks balls at my house

i can’t talk on the

phone at my house it’s kind of weird

and but god damn it

it’ll come on in thailand

on a fucking island

off the coast of thailand like god damn it’s working

i guess the roaming or something

right yeah i don’t know what it is but i went to

a resort once in mexico

and cancun i wanted to go see the mayan ruins

and we went to chichen itza

and the resort that we went to

this we stayed at near cancun

no telephones no internet access

no television

beautiful nothing there was nothing it was terrible

i hate it i hate it

i want i got movies to watch on my laptop i’m watching

movies on my laptop my laptop can’t even connect

to the fucking internet you’re running out of movies

i like watching a little tv when i it doesn’t matter

where i’m staying how beautiful it is

when i lie down in bed i like to see what the fuck’s

going on the

world i like to

turn on cnn

for a few minutes last week i made a mistake

i wanted a house phone

so i called at amp t

terry called up at amp

t and we got everything put together the dsl the

house phone

well they hooked everything up

except they shut the dsl off

for five days just show no

no dsl the fucking

oh my that dial up no internet dial

up oh my god

after one day

i was like fuck it and i just let it out i didn’t

bust down and go to the library and i tell you what

by the third day was kind of fucking nice really

it’s kind of fucking on emails

i get stressed so what

five days try for five days

don’t repute

it no cell phone

see what your life

you know when brock

lesnar does that shit sometimes

you really got to

think about it yeah

you really got and i know i know you’re in a position

where you need your cell phone okay

yeah but listen man there’s

obviously i

agree with you that’s why i

moved to the mountains

it’s something

about it i really

enjoyed it i

think being

separate just having a little

time to yourself is very important very important look

i mean i’m a

huge proponent of the isolation tank and that’s the

whole theory behind the isolation tank being

alone completely

dude in ninety

eight remember i was

going out psycho

and his girlfriend’s always have the best name

so it again

bored again was one

psycho psychos another psycho

we were at the

tail end of the relationship it was falling

apart and we

decided let’s let’s try to rekindle our love and

drive up the

coast to monterey

let’s try it one see what happens

one final fucking go at it

right so we

drove up and it was pretty

fucking cool getting high driving up the fucking pch

the view was amazing i didn’t realize

first time ever i

drove up i didn’t realize how beautiful the coast

the view is incredible

all the way up the

coast it’s like i kept pulling over

every 10 minutes

i kept looking i’m like

she’s all what i’m like i

gotta videotape this this is like

fucking heaven

it’s weird that it’s amazing

the edge though that road that road

scary as fuck yeah it’s like you

could easily just turn just decide this is it i’m

gonna end it

turn to the

right and you’re off the side of the

cliff oh oh so

scary fuck yeah it’s

beautiful and you’re

trusting the

other person come in the

other direction you

trust i trust you to not be

crazy and suicidal

so we’re driving up the

coast we go up to monterey

it’s fucking cool we go to the aquarium

videotape and

jim like fuck man well i’m having a good time

right there this is nice

right smoking weed the whole time

and then we

spend a couple days in

in monterey it was cool it was getting a little boring

it was getting a little boring but i’m like okay

we were gonna

drive back down and there’s a

place it’s like the wilderness

next to the

beach on cliffs it’s called big sewer

and you rent little bungalows and we’re

gonna rent bungalows for two nights

like fuck and go hiking

and then hike to the

beach fuck it’s amazing it’s fucking

paradise we get there we

check in for two nights

bam we immediately we go hiking and shit

we had been in monterey

for a couple days

we go to the beach

fuck i got that all it’s like some

magical shit

and then then the sun was coming down

we go back to the bungalow

and we didn’t

know they didn’t have anything they didn’t have radio

tv nothing they had nothing straight up

so we were like oh shit

so it’s like 7 30

and we’re kicking back

there’s nothing to do

so we watched the last

two days at monterey on the little lcd

screen on our fuck my camcorder

we’re watching that

and i’m thinking

there’s only 90 minutes of this it

was i was beginning to see we fucked

you know she

first time ever we

videotaped it was like it was like whoa the

first time we’ve ever videotaped

sex whoa we just

we didn’t we ran out of shit to do

damn and now it’s like 9 30 and shit

holy fuck it was

i realized something

that how important tv and internet is

especially when you’re

you know i could just go to

sleep or whatever but when you’re trying to

entertain your

girlfriend i said fuck it i went back to i went to the

front desk and i said

i didn’t know that we didn’t

there was no

reception up here at all

can we get can

i get a refund for tomorrow i just wanted to

leave that next morning get the fuck back to me

so i came back and i go guess what

i said what i go

i go i got the refund for tomorrow night

she goes yes

she wanted the fuck out too

like yes get the fuck out of here

we’re just lying there there’s nothing to do

we’re ready we’ve

heard each other’s stories

for the last six

months like what are you

gonna tell me a new

story about

something new

about you when you

first meet someone

hanging out with them for ten

hours in a row and just talking is easy

we broke up

on the way back she was in a bad mood like we started

fighting i’m like

it’s fucking over

by the time i hit fucking

santa barbara

i was like okay

that’s the exit

plan you know what i mean

it was done so tv kept your relationship

together yes and i realized we didn’t have shit

we didn’t have shit

by the time i hit

santa barbara

and ventura

it was fucking i was like

planning like for the future

without her

you had fucking and sometimes that’s enough to

keep a relationship together for a long time and we had


we watched a lot of tv together

if we didn’t have tv what the fuck

would we do together you know the

nowadays couples couples like i went to my friend’s

house steve

from you know

steve melee

from melee right here

him and his

girlfriend they got the big

screen going

and they’re both got

their laptops out

they’re both

every time i go over

they’re watching some movie

we’re watching a

movie kid and we’re on our laptop too

and it’s like that’s the fucking wave of the future

right there right

well yeah if you’re

in that kind of a relationship yeah you know what

we’re hanging out

but we got shit to do but we’re

still hanging out we’re

still right here i

could kiss you and all that

but i got work to do so

they wanna be

watching the same thing

no i don’t want you in the room

while they watch a

movie but you

gotta cuddle

how you you

gotta watch

cuddling why why you

watching the movie

well fuck the cuddling

you know what

i love cuddling

i like cuddling

at night late night

but not at eight when i’m watching like fucking

you have somebody my nookie coconut then i’m good

nobody yeah you’re right you can’t i can’t

no way i have

don’t like that

i like to wean myself off and shit

especially the last five or six years

right there’s

nights i don’t sleep with the i sleep apnea machine

as even i know i’m

gonna get a headache what if there’s a fucking

earthquake what if

what if i always want to prepare myself

and that’s why i don’t like this shit these are

fucking luxuries guy

that’s why i was the last

guy to get a fucking cell phone

you know it you broke my balls for three years about it

something about

something about it

you know that pager

when i call somebody and they have a cell

phone they don’t answer pisses me off

because it’s not a

house phone it’s a cell

phone it’s in your pocket you miserable motherfucker

answer the fucking thing

you know i’m saying that’s why i don’t like cell

phone because i like to get people i call

them and say let me look at your cell

phone and smash it

because that’s what it’s a luxury

answer the fucking thing

these fucking computers

you gotta get on

especially you you’re intelligent

get off this shit for five days

and see how different your fucking life is i enjoyed it

after the second day i was like goddamn

it’s like i was on coke

i had to go somewhere

every twenty minutes

to do a bump

that’s what i feel like when i’m on the computer yeah

every time i’m home

i gotta stop what i’m doing

every thirty minutes

and see who

email me or whatever

it is really nice

not to give a fuck like you know what

i don’t give it

would be nice i

agree with you i

understand but i actually i actually

enjoy the business when i get in the mode and i

gotta oh no i

gotta answer all my

emails i’m like

oh i’m loving

it i’m like

what’s happening

son papa papa

but you know what i

write a letter from time to time i

hand write a letter

just to fucking keep me alive dog

don’t depend

on this shit you know what let me ask you something

if right now if i took your fucking

phone and i

asked you what your

mother’s number was you

wouldn’t fucking know it

and neither

would you and neither would i

getting too fucking comfortable guys

and it’s fucking that

is true i take your

phone i smash it you’re

gonna sit there scratching your nuts for two days

you know three numbers in your head the house

your manager

and that’s it you don’t know nobody else’s number

you think how fucking i know

we are we’re

fuck you’re the only

number i know but i don’t even know that number no i

haven’t lost

the last time

wait for three days for you to call me

that’s why i didn’t call you in boston

how many numbers you

think you can

store in your

brain me yeah

anybody bro in the old days because of my cocaine

and my criminal

shadow on numbers written on

papers my mom

never wrote

papers when my

mother died that’s why i

never talk to my

sister anymore

because my mom had all

those numbers in

their head you know jay z does all

those wraps in his head

on paper in your fucking head man that’s kind of

crazy insanity

you do need a

paper from time to time

i like no i’m all

about long time

where i didn’t

write any of my comedy

don’t believe he don’t

he don’t use a paper

you got a right yeah

i got notes

like a motherfucker

we all forget

you know there’s i forget man

what i think is happening

joey is much more complicated than that

i think it’s not that this is making us

soft i think this is

becoming a part of us

when you leave your

phone at home and i

leave my phone

at home and i go out and i realize i don’t have my

phone on me i feel

like something’s wrong

yeah i feel like

i feel vulnerable

i feel vulnerable

you walk in your door you pick up your

phone and i called you big fucking deal you missed

it feels feels good something

about think

about it think

about when you walk in

you haven’t had your phone on

and you open it up and you

think all this is all this fucking knowledge

gonna be in there and

i think it’s nostalgia

for the past i

think we’re moving towards an era

where you don’t remember

phone numbers they’re on this device that controls

everything in your life and it

might even be a part of your body i think

you can’t hold on to the past

things are changing they’re obviously changing

in our lifetime the internet has made

things radically different just in our lifetime

we have had more change

in our lifetime

than hundreds and hundreds of years in the past

just in a few decades

i think this all this computer and

technology and shit it’s not making a soft it’s

becoming a part of us and

it’s gonna i

think in some way it’s gonna help

human beings evolve well two years from

now when the average bombed the fucking

tower of the

satellites and we got no

phone and you’re

stuck on fucking

trying to call me

cocksucker you’ll say

i had a fucking

no joey’s number my

you know right

that’s the least of my

worries when the world ends

no i didn’t talk

about the world ends the phone you

gonna worry

fuck listen they’ve been trying to hit

you have no lines when the world ends

there’s no for

i don’t want no

need to know how to

bow narrow with your shoelace

i understand go kill a

rabbit that’s why i’m getting

ready for that shit that’s why i got those

that’s why i hang out with the brothers and vermont and

shoot so now

we’re gonna go hunting with

ricky schroeder

we’re gonna make it a reality special

eddie bravo

me and ricky schroeder

out hunting and the only animal i’ve ever killed was

if you count

like i set up a

mouse trap and you know what i mean yeah

that’s the only

thing you’d be down for that though

right go hunting with

ricky schroeder fuck

yeah we should film that right

get a life that

would be interesting you and i

super baked in the woods with guns what

if i was really high i

think i would be better at hand i’m just kidding

ladies and gentlemen i

wouldn’t be high with a gun the same woods as

other people

yeah how dare you yes you would

not that’s okay i

would not do that

you can’t do the rubber guys got

22 on his fucking

you have to be very careful i read this article online

about i was researching hunting in

hunting exits in maine

because i used to have this joke

about hunting in maine and i was like i wonder what

the real numbers were like how many people actually got

shot well the real problem is

experience hunters

they literally see deer

they’ll see a deer

and they’ll pull the

trigger and then

after they pull the

trigger they realize it’s a

woman in a red jacket it’s like

their mind plays

tricks on them

because a seasoned

hunter has to get so good at recognizing movement

there he is

i got the opening boom pull the trigger

so their brain

literally puts an

image of a deer in

front of them when they see motion

your brain tries to

already give you the

image before it even gets it

if you’re looking

for it so bad you’re looking for it so bad that your

brain makes you visualize a deer

there’s the deer

and these guys

literally say they saw a deer

and the most horrible

night how often

does that happen all the time

really yeah that’s a problem the problem is experienced

hunters experience hunters who just

they’re just used to

knowing that you have to

capitalize on a

quick opening there’s the opening bang

oh my god it’s a person

like that shit’s real man well

that’s the scariest

thing about hunting

so laughing

is hunters that don’t know what the fuck they’re doing

and you know people accidentally

shooting people it happens all the time you got

experience hunters out there

30 the other

experience other

experience so some


gonna get shot that’s what we’re saying i was with the

article that i was reading was

about this guy was an investigator and he was out there

like investigating people who were shot

and you know they had this one guy that he

think was a suspect and the guy was an experienced

hunter and he just you know was asking

the guy like hey you know you see anything anything

going on you know we got we got a situation

and the guys like no no didn’t see anything

all he did was just

drive by the dude’s

house every day for a week

just pause in

front of the

house stop look at him

drive four or five days

later the dude cracked

he just couldn’t take it anymore

imagine the

guilt of accidentally

shooting somebody

while you’re hunting

you know you

think you’re seeing a deer

so i talked to the guy

and that’s what the guy said once he finally confessed

he said i really thought it was a

purse i mean i really thought it was an animal

i saw an animal i saw the horns i saw the whole

thing i saw a buck with a big rack and i pulled the

trigger and it was a person let’s go do that

and tape it

i don’t want a

heart to it let us

talk suckers

that’s what

i want to go hunt i want to hunt the fucking

yeah but you can

eat them man

i don’t want to eat a fucking i don’t

you eat animals like

crazy yeah but i don’t want to eat some my shot oh i do

see why that’s

why not why don’t you

see that fucking hole in his head why

would you want the animal

to die in some

fucking factory farmer they get

their brain

smashed by a piston and you know they’re

living in cow shit all day for most of their life

until that happens i just don’t want to

shoot in that

you know what i don’t

want to either but i eat meat and i love it i had a

juicy fat fucking

steak last night it was delicious

i love me man

i love it i

think it’s a part of being a

human being i love

pussy but you don’t see me

shoot but i don’t

think it has to

laugh i love

pussy you don’t

see me shoot a

bitch in the head i like your

logic cocksucker even though i

would love it

i just don’t want to

shoot an animal

i know you don’t know god

bless you motherfuckers are

going i know you

don’t want to

i know you don’t want to and i respect that and i

think over i

think there’s nothing

wrong with that i love you guys i don’t want you

shooting any

advice i don’t

think that because

you eat meat i don’t buy the argument that you

should have to

shoot an animal i don’t buy that i think

you know we’ve allowed ourselves to somehow

another be removed from the process of murdering

slaughtering and butchering the animal

and we just

enjoy the meat

which is kind of

crazy if you really think

about it fucking

crazy so i just wanna

for my own personal

edification i just want to go and

experience it i want you to go outside

why can’t we get a cow and

shoot it fucking in your backyard

well you know you

could you know my gardener got in

trouble for killing a goat in his backyard

what they do

they got mad at him they were

gonna evict him from the

house and he’s like i don’t get it he’s like

he goes i could cook

right in my backyard

he goes why can’t i kill a goat

he was like this way you

know it’s not disease it’s safe it’s like the safest

thing to him it was like so normal

now it’s like what

it is normal

i mean why can’t he kill it

how come he can cook it how come he can

he could it be outside with a side of beef

sawing off chunks nobody

would say a word they

would say wow that’s a big

piece of beef you got there

but if you actually killed the cow

and started sawing the beef he

would get in big

trouble and i

understand it’s

because you got to get rid of it just it’s gross dude

yeah someone rapid

a spanish person

yes max spanish to spend

sure we don’t give a fuck yeah

he’s i mean the way he was talking about it’s like why

would this is

silly like come on

this is that i want to make sure my meat is good

you know i know the animals not diseased

when i was a kid in miami my uncle would get the pigs

bring them up

free them for a couple of weeks

yeah then fucking kill him while we were there horrible

i stopped eating pork for a

while because i saw that

movie my brother’s keeper did you ever see that no i

heard about it it’s a documentary

about these guys that were kind of slow and

one of them i

think got accused

of murder or something like that but anyway

in the documentary

they live on a farm

i believe in upstate new york i forget

and the guy went

to kill one of the pigs and he pulls out the shotgun

and the pig

starts running

that pig knows what the fuck is

going down pigs are

smart they’re like

smarter than dogs

so when this pig sees that shotgun he just

starts fucking running and squealing

and scrambling the guys chasing

after him finally

gets the gun to his head and blows his

brains out but like

while before it happens that pig is in

utter sheer terror

and i thought

about that i’m like man i don’t

think i wanna

experience that

like why am i eating pigs

when was the last time i ate

bacon i eat it all the time

i gave up i gave

up it didn’t last

very long listen but for a

while i was like cows are dumb fuck them they’re stupid

but really the shit that you’re supposed to eat i

think is the

smart shit i

think you’re supposed to eat fish not

smart but difficult to

catch fish and

game you know

those are hard to catch like

cows and pigs are just sitting there laying around

that’s probably not the best for you

i appreciate your argument and i know when i

ate a piece of meat

that some cows hanging upside down with a fucking

thing in his neck

i don’t see it i don’t want to

think about it

but by me going hunting

which i really couldn’t do anyway

it would just make my life

i am saying i don’t even like venison

i don’t like none of that shit i feel scallopini of the

certain fucking italian makes it to me in east coast

i can’t even

feel like a


and i eat it and i

make believe i don’t even know what the fuck i’m eating

you know i’m saying

it’s like eating

pussy with your

coked up and

drunk that i can’t

and that’s it

guys i eat meat because of my necessities and stuff

fish you know

chicken i eat and even though like i know they’re

nasty they piss all over the fucking legs

chicken i won’t go to popeyes chicken but i eat

chickens popeyes is delicious

yeah i know

chicken with

rice and beans yeah

next time you get a breast

from fucking popeyes

take the skin off and see the foot

you can see

the indentations of the toe they cut the foot in half

and see what the fuck’s in there you’ll

never eat popeyes

again you understand i got this

these opinions are purely

those of joey diaz is

the true i know about

you meet and all that shit

experience podcast

this is all joey’s opinions

i for one am

a huge fan of the popeyes chicken

night i wish to

avoid litigation

all right what

about you tarzan you like popeye’s

chicken i like el

pollo locos

new chicken jalapeno

sandwich i’m

addicted to that another

five really yeah yeah

that i’m telling you man el pollo loco

jalapeno chicken sandwich they just came out with the

bread as they did something the

bread that mexicans in the back they

they soaked that shit in something

it’s like a mcgriddle

chicken sandwich it’s so good talking to mexicans i

gotta give mexicans props

this week because i have encountered something i’ve

never encountered in my life

i moved into

north hollywood the coolest neighborhood i’ve

lived in in california

and we actually have a mexican ice cream man

you don’t know what life is do you have a mexican ice

cream man there’s no schedule

some days he shows up at ten

some days at six

some days he got ice

cream last week he showed up eleven fifteen when i was

watching the

ufc on a saturday

night i tell

he’s like do

you hear the fuck and i wish i was joking with you guys

this motherfucker comes at eleven

aka bing bing

you go out there the best soft serve ice

cream i’ve ever had out here

better than

dairy queen all that shit

tremendous he had

shoes on there last week he was selling shoes

he’s got popcorn

i’m not fucking

that’s hilarious

as long as you keep moving i

guess he’s got a

mobile story

doesn’t have

to pay space

or anything

the ice cream soft

serve he dips it like the

thing like dairy

queen is here a bell

old school is it like

is it a truck

with a motor

a fucking huge

truck like mr softee

in the east

coast okay i

was just ice

cream man no

music no no like i’ve seen the ice

cream man downtown that just goes

allow allow

but i got there

and he just

talks in spanish and everybody flocks out

most of them push like a car

yeah i see those guys

your dudes in a

truck this motherfucker has a

truck that has a bell bing

when you hear that your people just come out they lose

their mind the ice

cream is fucking delicious what a

great idea the ice

cream truck is that’s one of the

greatest ideas ever

it’s not that

huge it’s not

that huge though

it’s not you only see him in poor neighborhoods right

well i don’t see him in nice neighborhoods hard to

trust this motherfucker

some dude just selling you some shit on the

street out of his truck

yeah that’s not good

i grew up on mr

softy that shit was delayed

you can’t just

what are the laws

can’t you just not the

truck laws no yeah you have to have a license

you can’t just do that you have to have some sort of

emergency you

gotta have a kitchen

it must be really hard

cause we would

see more ice

cream trucks in rich neighborhoods

but we really don’t how do people want to buy it man

rich neighborhoods you know you can’t be

going through beverly hills and ice

cream truck

why not because people

think you’re probably trying to rob the

you know what you know what it is

you know the main thing is

they know in

the rich neighborhoods the kids just can’t come out

yeah they can’t get to

in the port

a but the kids are out in the fucking streets at

three and four

they’re like

the kids are like fucking stray dogs

in poor neighborhoods

right dude when i

was living with

my grandfather in newark

when i was living with my grandfather in newark

they would be playing

stickball in the middle of the

street you would have to stop

and whatever they’d be playing

soccer in the middle of the street

they’d be playing

mostly with

puerto ricans and

dominicans and

stuff in new york

you would literally have to stop your car

wait in order to get through to

where you wanted to go

the street cars coming

stop everybody

would stop the game for a

second we did that car

would drive by

they restart the game

every goddamn day playing football

in the street with car that was a

story of my life

bunch of poor

fucking mexican kids

no one had a dad

ninety percent of all the kids

were like fucking the little rascals dude on my fucking

block it was

it was a couple guys i like ten and eleven

once my stepdad left at ten

i was gone i was on the streets my mom couldn’t

control me and my brother

stepdad could

but once i was

10 we were on the fucking streets and it was like

two three dudes at 10

my brother at 14 and 15

and then we

had some 18 19 year olds and some 20 and we were all

mixed in playing football

organizing she were always on the

street playing

basketball game

bunch of mexicans

and we’re all in the rock and

eric was in the rush

no one had a dad everyone’s dad was gone

except for one audio

but fuck man

it was a plan i did it with

ice cream truck

ice cream truck oh

that was part of our life

playing football

on the fucking street

and ice cream

truck coming by

that was that was

irish italian neighborhood

and we played fucking

everything on the

street from

stick ball to

football and then when their

leaves came down that’s when you played two hand touch

and we put the

bricks in the middle of the

street and you pile the

leaves on top of it

and some dickheads driving with his car

oh my god and he

kicked the fuck out

we were fucking animals there when i

lived in jamaica

plain when we

first moved to boston we

moved to a bad neighborhood we

moved to this

place jamaica

plain one of

those streets

where you would

on the street

there was like

maybe 15 20 kids that

would live on the

street and they

would be hanging out in the middle of the

street all night

it was like

three o’clock in the morning

and you’d be like

watching tv they’d be like

ten feet in

front of your window

screaming at each

other yelling

drinking beer

throwing shit oh shit summer

nights nobody

went to bed

nobody went to bed

when it was a blizzard

when there was a

blizzard everybody was out in the

street fucking riding

taking sleds

taking sled

rides down the hill

it was crazy my mom couldn’t control us

we had a thing called bombing

where everyone

would get together late at

night we’d get in camo

climb lemon trees filled backpacks with lemons

and then we climb in

other trees and we’d be all camouflaged in a tree

and when cars

would come by

fucking throw

lemons at them

and then they

would stop dude

would come out

and we’d be

hiding in the fucking trees man

and they would

never find us we were all camouflage we love camouflage

but we would practice jumping fences

and escape routes

we knew everybody’s backyard and everyone’s fence we

would practice

so if we got chased too

cops would even come by cops

chases but they couldn’t catch us

we’re gone in the backyard through the fences we were

going through the you know i had this conversation with

brian cowan yesterday i’m

gonna have it

again with you guys too because

we’re all the same in the

three of us that

we were kind of like left to our own devices

you know do you

think that that’s

i think every interesting person that i know

almost all of them were not raised

by the parents they’re all like raised like wild dogs

they all like figured out

their way through the

world like they made a good relationship with

their mother

you know but they don’t really see her that

often she didn’t really teach them

things they kind of figured

things out on their own

i for sure did

man i was me and my brother on the streets

my mom just had to work all the time she worked

all the goddamn time if you have like if

you had like a really cool dad who was like a christian

who was like you know like

real like republican but

super nice guy you

could have thought like that

if your dad raised you like that

and brought you

along like that who knows you

could have who knows i don’t know

do you think that

would have been different my

brain gets programmed right your

brain gets programmed by the people that around you

especially you know your

influences and your

teachers and your father of course is

gonna be the biggest

teacher in your life

if your father was a really nice guy and a

sweet guy and

a fun guy and

a loving father and a christian

and like really gung

ho rah rah republican

the united states

would never do a bad

thing to us

you could be sucked into that way of

thinking don’t you

think no you don’t

think so you don’t

think so because you’re you

and you grew up wild

you grew up your parents died

young you were you were really on your own

and in a lot of ways when you were

taken in by people’s

people’s generosity like your

friends and yeah i had a mom till fourteen and it’s

weird because

that’s for see what

fourteen is

very young thing

my mom was pro american dog

right here she was

had a bookmaking bank it was involved in heroin

right but i’m saying

it’s very difficult to look at the world like

this is how you

developed it’s very difficult to step back and say okay

how much of

who i am is

my environment i’ll tell you what

when i was a kid i didn’t buy into the boy scouts

didn’t buy into

know that shit

i never bought into clubs i

never bought into know that

you grew up very

street wise but

you know you’ve got some stories

about your stepfather

right but under the

age of 10 i wanted to be a

white kid an

american kid i came here from another country i

i grew up on dick van

dyke so you just feel like insecure i

wanted to to this

day i’m insecure really

about being cuban

no i’m not about being cuban but my big

thing was to be an american

my mother came here

funny to be

an american everybody wants to be everybody else is

white you kids who want to be

black black kids no no

no when i came

to this country my mom stressed that we came here

for you to be an american one

time on a bus some kids were talking in spanish

and they wanna beat the

teacher up cause the guy

threw him off the fucking bus and made him walk home

right and i walked in the

house and i

told my mom my mom’s like i don’t know what you’re

upset about this is america

you came here to do this my mom

raised me to be an american and i seen

some of the shit i bought into

i’m hearing a song in the

background right now

well i’m proud to be

and some some of the shit i didn’t buy into

it’s just the way it happens

i never bought into a lot of that shit

i’m allowed to vote now i

haven’t had a felony

in fifteen years you can vote now i can vote now

but i don’t want to that’s what happens it’s a fifty x

ten years ten

years but i don’t

want to vote because what were my choices last year

paling the old guy and

obama all three of them were bad choices

okay tell it

i mean you know i’m saying

so part of me is in the

other part of me isn’t

okay what was that

tell what happened with the

didn’t you have someone hostage can you talk yeah yeah

and 1987 i was

27 years old whatever i was working in boulder

i was going to

school at night

and i was snorting coke with

three hands

and i fucking

got involved with some kid and he was gonna rob

his roommate

and ended up

robbing them both of them

the guy that i had a partner was

gonna rob me what a

tangle web we

weave when we

tangle to decease

it just so happens that

the guy got caught like i told the guy didn’t want

nothing to do with it even though i had to coke with me

i sent the coke to hassman but the

other guy the guy

that tried to rob me

he ended up

getting pulled over with the guy we kidnap in the

trunk of his car all fucking bundled up and shit

so i got arrested for the kidnap kidnap and doing

everything but

you know what i fucked up

it wasn’t because i fucked up it wasn’t because america

listen bro i ten to

seven i got a

ticket this morning

for two hundred dollars

ten seven ten

seven this morning

while both you

motherfuckers were

sleeping i was

going to tai chi

at seven so i had to

drive there

so my wife said if you have to go to

tai chi at seven

you might as well drop me off at the

train station i usually walk

every morning to the

train station

but i drove her there was a lunch

truck there i couldn’t pull over so i pulled

by where she

crosses the street

when i made the

right when i

made the left there was a cop on me goes bro

the bus drivers complain he goes it’s a thousand dollar

ticket i have to give you a 200

ticket for parking instead is that okay

and i took the

ticket i was not

angry with him i went to tai chi

i did my thing

i didn’t mention he did his job this is america

he did his fucking job you follow him saying to you

a lot of people

got pissed off at this guy for pulling me over

he did his fucking job

you know when

i kidnapped that guy i kidnapped them i did that

i got four years i got all fucking easy they

should have thrown me in there for ten fucking years

but people don’t really how much

time did you actually do

18 months 16

months that’s a long time

it cost me two years of my life

you don’t know what your life how

pressured horrible

no it wasn’t

i was doing

standing on my head

but why people that’s to talk the

old i could do that time

standing on my

time bro and you do time

guys like you don’t it just another day in paradise

they’re gonna take this to a

place where we get the bullshit

about jujutsu

instead of two

hours a day

eight hours a day

you follow me and you eat whatever

your freedom gets lost but sucks

but it’s the people at home

it’s not you or whatever we

could i could do whatever the fuck i get

bro my jeans are from cuba

motherfucker tell me

about i smoke the weed castro

smoke before he went to the mountains to take over

you understand me now

what was a typical

day in prison like for you like at that six

months you’re in there six months

what’s a typical day living like a doctor

who liked it

bro you gotta remember

i went to prison for four years i got sentenced but

guess what i became

i became a stand up

comic i learned how to do

stand up in prison

on thursday

what they used

to have moving i didn’t even know that dog

they used to have moving that on

thursday night

so the projector

would always fuck up like you stream

it would always fuck up joey talking the

microphone it

would always fuck up so on thursdays

the people just jokingly

i would always go what the fuck is

wrong with the projecting everybody would say

cuba get up there and talk

so i would go up there on

thursday nights it was

you know two

hundred people

and like a hundred more

black so they go cuba

go up there and talk

and i would make fun of the

black guys like what

would be what

would you say

you know we make fun of the

kitchen you know

the fucking kitchen

this is the beginning of your

stand up career

beginning with

what you say you know we

should make fun i used to be that’s how the

movie’s fault i fucking the

first day in prison they made me a baker

you know you don’t

you don’t tell people what you want it’s like cuba

like yeah on the outside i was a mechanic really

well in here you a baker

here’s a book

learn how to make bagels

and i made these

cinnamon rolls

that almost blew up the

kitchen right

these motherfuckers are big

so that afternoon they

fired me as a baker

and they made me a fucking dishwasher

and the stockroom

clerk right

so i was the

dishwasher the

stockroom clerk

and whenever they had shitty meals

the guys i knew when they were

going through the line i

would yell do it

so i would go don’t do it how

often were the meals bad

three times a week

but it didn’t matter because at

lunchtime i was allowed to go to the

store for 15 minutes i worked it out

where i had a

drive to take garbage

so i would go to the

store for 15 minutes not only that

i would call in my order at the chinese restaurant

so it would be

ready by the time i got there so i would

go back to the prison with chinese food and groceries

that’s how strong i was in there plus

fuck around and

they were us

they were doing

steroids and selling drugs in prison please like a


i was in the

stockroom clerk so they had to pay me rent

so i cause they

never said you

stocked you

stocked i would say

yeah how hold your

voice because oh my god

three dollars you know

you gotta give me some cigarettes

i had roids

cigarettes i had pills in their

lap they weren’t mine

they just belong to

other people but you put them on the pallets

so i would give him a key whenever

they needed to go take shit out so they knew were the

connection i was that i was to know i was

the holder plus

how did they

get the steroids and somebody had to put it up

their ass yeah

whatever i don’t know

i don’t know i

never imagine

shooting a steroid in your

how do they

smuggle it in again

and then they get

then they put it

where that contact visits

right you do is

you take your

fucking kid and you fill his pockets with the yum yums

and while you’re making out with your husband

you say you

want to see the kid you pass the kid to the husband

and he takes the drugs out

then he gives you back the ugly kid

that makes me

that’s how henry

hill did it that’s how they do it same shit

it’s no you could

bro there’s more

drugs on the inside there was the ones on the outside

and to boot this was a minimum security camp

we had contact

visits when you have a contact visit

there’s parties

every night

you know what i’m saying

these motherfuckers

first time i didn’t know i was like the

second time i did everyone was it

i couldn’t do a needle so the mexicans took a mexican

thing a heroin melted it

i had to put like a funnel in my nose made out of

paper and they dripped it in my nose

and i got like candle wick burn out of my nose

what the fuck is this like that’s heroin man

be cool i was like this for like a day

the white dudes bikers would give me speed

and they would play basketball all fucking night on

be out there with them half of them

every week was a new event

i did every drug but the drug

they could be dudes that is

a movie that’s the movie

minimum security prison where everyone’s

partying and it’s just the greatest time ever

and it’s like a public when you get when you when you

you know you get released it’s like

want to thank you

which was even

talking to mike people keep complaining about

i was i was

i was i was

when i go to the halfway

house it was even better because i started loaning

money out to the index

as a loan shot

yeah because

they want to go out but if your rents not paid on

thursday you’re not allowed for the weekend

so the rent

would be sixty five dollars i give him

sixty five for ninety two

you know i’m saying like i’m

gonna give you 65

you gotta give me 92 tomorrow

and i had 10 guys on that row

bro i was a fucking machine in there

the biggest scam i had at the camp the

biggest scam i had was there was an old italian dude

from brooklyn he was like a half a mobster

and he had pool cards and he

could only do one card a week he

would make like

thirty bucks

and i went up to him i go bro you have a problem with

these cards i go you you give them to white guys

you’re not getting the

black population you’re not getting the fucking

specs and he goes i don’t know they won’t talk to me

i said give me the fucking cards we’re

gonna go partners

he went from selling one card

every monday to doing ten with me

cause i had

the brothers

i had the youngs

i had the puerto ricans i had the

whites at everybody

and it was amazing that’s why i really

learned that i

could really fucking do this

so on thursday

nights they

would say cuba fuck the

movie just go up there and talk

about the kitchen

and they were all

all the youngs

would yell don’t do it

it was hysterical

it was fucking

hysterical and i

would just talk

about and then i had this one

crazy black

guy this guy was anton spencer

his name was spencer antoine

from new orleans

and he was crazy

and he told me he told me he was in there for

eight years for involuntary manslaughter

and he was my mentor

that was my dog jack

he was fucking nuts and he

would tell me about

like one day some guy nail

him two dollars and he comes to the

kitchen he goes

did you see that guy and i go no i think he’s

packing and leaving

this motherfucker went and got a knife

he got him at the gate as if the guy was getting

other jays like

my fuck you better give my two dollars i was like

this guy was all and his parents and family had money

that the best attorney

from bro this guy killed somebody with his hands

and he got eight years

a black guy

in la downtown la

cause i was in a federal place

he beat him with his fucking hands

and got eight years

for the voluntary

manslaught he had like 50 000 dollar attorneys this guy

but he had a knife

he had a gold

tooth in his

mouth he was one of

those brothers and shit that his eyes

would go crazy

why do you think the gold tooth

thing really caught on in the

black community because it’s fucking

it’s like a pubic hair in your mouth you know

it’s all about blinging you know what i mean like

people look directly at your face so

you want to

you want to

catch your attention that’s why you got the necklace

that’s why you got the

watch but nothing beats the fucking tooth

next you know that’s why they

bring the glasses out too you

it’s like yeah but that

never caught on with the

white community that’s

where white people drew the line stop they went

we can’t join you on this one

you know white

people can’t join you on this one well mayhem what

about mayhem mayhem wears it as a goof he’s a character

in real life

okay listen

in real life mayhem ain’t walking around with a

grill on he

doesn’t like part of it is like to be

silly to be mayhem

you know but it’s not like he wants to be wearing

an iced out grill like

like fucking lil

wayne or something

i don’t know i

think he really likes it okay

if if that is the case if mayhem does that’s one

out of like you know

how many wiggers are there out there

hey a big number it’s a

giant number

and then i’ll

tell you all

right these are white guys

there’s not you know one thing

about white guys that wish they were

black they are

one they have all one thing in common they will deny

that they would rather be black than

they’ll deny

that shit no matter what

yeah you can

no i’m happy to be

myself you know i’m saying it’s just a hip hop culture

thing it’s just what i’m from it’s a hip hop

culture thing you know it’s

where i grew

up i grew up like this you know what i’m saying

i’m saying you know it’s all

about the game you know it’s all

about the hip hop game yeah

meanwhile they got an

oversized nba jersey you

always got red

pubic hairs

you can’t talk like that you get red pubic

hair son they try

extra hard you know

white guys want to be black have to try extra hard

it’s crazy though but

continue with

eddie what i was telling you was that

i went in there every thursday i get on

stage and then one day this is fucked up joe rogan

this is why i really dig you

because one

day the guy in the library was like a nerdy dude

the guy that ran the library and

i was friends with him we did ask that he was very into

nostradamus and

you know he

was intelligent but he had just he had some problems

some he went to prison

and the funny

thing was that one day he came

up to me in the jail and a notebook was a big thing

and i was getting

ready to get out and i didn’t even thought

about it he

came up to me and he goes hey bro i got your notebook

and i go what’s the notebook for you

so when you get out you can

write some jokes

he goes every

week you write jokes i

never see the notebook and i looked at him and i go

i don’t even

write and this


went nuts he goes you don’t

write and you go up there

every week and do that

he goes when you get out of here

it was like an angel

it was like an

angel i never seen the guy

again i never

heard from him again

he just goes

what i watch you do you really need to

write and get it together

because you have a gift just pursue this

and that guy

never even talked to me like he

never used to talk to me

i don’t just set it out of the blue

out of blue came up to me when they goes wait wait wait

you know the the

the black guy

right no white guy

white nerd guy

that was like a really nerdy guy that

would always roll his own

cigarette so some

random guy came up

you got talent

yeah i said do you

think do you

think that if

you didn’t go to prison if you didn’t have that

experience of talking in

front of those people that you probably

never would have done

stand up or

stand up something

that was in the back of your head anyway

it was in the back of my head the prison really

woke the animal up because

you thought

about it before i

had thought

bro because you had to be

funny before prison anybody who

heard the niggas

crazy by richard

pry you had to

think of he pushed it so hard in that

before prison

the life of the party

yeah i thought i was always good

at the deli

i was always

love telling

stories yeah i was always good with that shit and then

the thing that really got me was

when you go to prison they do a diagnostic on you and

and i like to

get an attorney another really that’s the only

thing that irks me

about my life like a lot of times

people say i

slept with this guy

with me as i always wanted to know was on that

paperwork because it was an intense

psychological valuation

it just wasn’t a guy with a

piece of paper saying what do you

think when you see a star

like they put shit in my head

electrodes and

all this shit was

three days of mental testing

and it was eat me

alive and i wanted to know i kept asking the counselor

who was from

mississippi he hated

black people he hated

he told me to my face

my counsel told me because i hate

he goes i hate all you bug fuckers

spics and nigga i mean that’s how

you counseling

oh my god and he

goes i go bro what are

his name is mr blue i go what are you

gonna fucking tell me what’s on there

and one day he’s like you

really want me to tell you what’s on here bug fucker

that’s what he

would call me to my face bug fucker

he goes i’ll tell you what’s on here mr bug fucker

it said that

if you really wanted something and i had it

that you would take it from me

he goes now you do what the fuck you want with that he

threw me out of his office

and i felt like a

thief for three days that’s what i read it at

but what he was trying to tell me was

that anything i wanted in my life that’s what that said

that i could do anything you want dog you

could do do it

that’s what

he was saying that’s what he was trying to beat around

and like by

calling you a bug fucker no by saying what he said

right and the

lady came up to me he goes hey did you

understand where i was

going with that

he goes you’re a

smart guy you’re not one of

these guys usual

you know someone

experience tell us

about your first

stand up gig

do you remember it

yeah i remember what made you go up that night

do you consider the ones in prison your

first stand up gigs

i’m talking

about first official at a club like your

first time you went up like a

but i’m thinking

that if you did it how many times you do it in prison

you really were doing like overnight

tonight i was doing

every thursday for sure

if that’s not a

movie i don’t

watch it times

so you had material did you have material

planned out

did you have

stuff that you repeated

no what was the first club

can you imagine repeating a joke in

front of those young

shit and all

those crazy

whooped out

mexicans that’s the

first time i really

knew about the

whole heritage

they would sneak in fucking

green chili burritos

tremendous really

who had the best

tattoo artists

was it the mexicans mexicans always have wild i was in

jail with two

generations of mexicans at one time

i was in jail with the grandfather the ayales

the father and the son whoa

whoa that’s really that’s

once you start seeing that

thing you know

that’s wow and he’s been a movie

right now but

this is fucking

crazy and i always wanted to

shoot somebody and be a criminal

for that point

i didn’t you know i always thought

about that my life deserve more than to

spend it in here

that’s what prison did for me bro

it wasn’t if people come up to me go how bad was prison

prison is how bad you make it for me

for fucking me

and open my eyes i became a

stand up comic

yeah it just

gave me that opportunity to see by the way you see

the show about that dude that

robbed millions what’s that guy’s name two years ago

guy that went away

the puns he schemes

if you get a chance

watch that on fucking

msnbc what is this show on

msm party made off yes

where they took a

free show from

north carolina now

he went right in and teamed up with the fucking mob he

paid people

he don’t give a fuck that guy

about people well you talked into

did people have to tell you that you were

funny that you

should go on

stage did people tell you that you

should do that

yeah tell us

about the first time on stage

if you don’t remember

the first time

i would consider the

first time he was on

stage the okay

the first time

outside of prison right the

first time because

my first time on

stage was an open mic

night but before i went to the open mic night

it was a locker room

yeah yeah i

understand that

i like your first

night officially as a comedian

is an interesting one

it’s here yours

but i’m so curious

about yours the

truth is the

truth of the matter

is now you get down with it you don’t remember about a

month now come on dog

about a month ago i got a call from a friend of

mine and we were talking

that i hadn’t

talked to i hooked up with him on facebook and he said

something to me goes bro i knew on that bus ride home

that you always

gonna be an

entertainer and i

asked michael

what are you talking

about he goes

do you remember

after freshman

basketball you

would get on the bus and fucking go off

every night

he goes it got to the

point where the bus drivers

wouldn’t pick you up anymore

because we used

to go on and do the theme from the odd couple

and then i would go into a fucking

twenty minutes skit

all the way

we got to the

thing and i even

wrote a blog

about it that

after he told me that like i called a

bunch of people from

those days and i go bro

what do we used

to do on the bus now like you don’t remember

we used to take over fucking buses the number one bus

90th street to 38th street

we ran and you were the fucking host of mc

and i’m like wow and i

started thinking i’m like that’s right

so if i really go to that that was

freshman year

basketball wow

where i used to

light the buses up

every time and they

wouldn’t fucking

pick i remember that like being out there

for two different bus drivers and they

would pick you up because you guys are too fucking loud

wow that’s hilarious

but then in

school you know

no one ever considers that

maybe this guy

should be a

stand up comedian

they just go we got a silence him we got to stop this

we got to teach some discipline to you

the lack of discipline is really what makes someone a

comic though

i wasn’t a stand up at all like in that

sense like growing up but i was always

every year i was always

depending on the

teacher i had

cause junior high

in high school you have like

seven teachers

i was always

the dude to

start shit play

pranks and always

unless the teacher

was mr enders you

never did shit you just fucking

he was a bad

motherfucker he goes you

wanna act up

you wanna talk

we talked about this before in the podcast

who’s mr anders

mr anders 10th grade

i think geology i don’t remember

there’s no way to tell you know the

funny thing

about someone

becoming a comic is there’s no one who

could have pulled you aside

and said what you really need to do is become a comic

it’s like you almost have to

experience all this resistance

to your personality to regular life

then that forces you into being a comic

it’s like someone

can’t just come up to you and go this is what you

really need to do you really need to be a comic like

you need to go through all the bullshit in life to

experience that before someone comes

along and tells you you know

how old were you when you

first got on stage

thirty thirty

twenty nine i was

i was 21 it would have been better if i was 30

cause when i was 21 i didn’t have shit to say

i have no opinions about anything can a 15

year old comedian

stand up to

me because there’s a lot of guys yeah they can be

funny can they be funny they can be

funny if that’s what they

my problem was when i was 21

my whole life from 15 to 21

was all just taekwondo

tournaments and kickboxing that’s all i did that was 24

hours a day

that was all i thought

about i didn’t really consider the world

i didn’t want to be a

loser and i wanted to be really

good at taekwondo and i wanted to win the nationals and

i wanted to compete in the olympics i had all

these ideas

but i didn’t know

about fucking politics i had no clue

as to what was

going on in the

world i didn’t even

think about it for a

second all i thought

about was this

and getting laid that’s all i thought about

so when i started

going into comedy i

literally had no opinions

i know how to

kick somebody i know how to kick somebody in the head

and i know i like pussy hmm

so all the jokes were

pussy jokes

jokes were sex jokes for like the

first year and a half

that’s all i

wrote cause

when i’m 21

years old what the fuck kind of opinion did i have

that was interesting on anything if i told you anything

about anything

other than sex or kicking somebody in the head

you would already know what i was

gonna say way in advance

no i didn’t have enough life

experience my life

experience is very limited

i hear that a lot that people too

young to sing

but when you’re 30

if you’re the kind of comedy you do

where you look at you

look at you you

stupid fuck

you know you do that kind of comedy where you

point some shit out

you can’t point some shit out at 21

you’re not saying

was i gonna listen to you

they’re not

gonna listen you

unless you’re some

super genius

and even then it’s probably not

gonna be funny

you know

i just i wrestled with it for a

while i was a roofer after i got locked up

i roofed for one week

roofed for fucking two or three years i saw some cause

i went to school and then

so i was sick and tired of people telling me try it and

i was getting breakfast one morning opened up a

paper and there was

be a stand up comedian

class for 33

and i took it

i was not funny at all

i was not a funny person i wasn’t funny

until i started doing taekwondo

and we would

fight and compete

in tournaments and everybody be nervous

you’d be nervous even in a locker room when you’re

about to go work out

cause somebody

might just get kicked in the face and

knocked out it happened all the time guys

got knocked out in

class all the time they get kicked in the face

and you would get

fucking terrified and so i was always

cracking jokes to

break detention

i was always the guy who was doing

impressions of

other people on the team that was

the first time

that i became

funny cause

other than that i just i didn’t

think i was funny

i loved comedy though

man god damn i just thought the idea of it was so crazy

first time i saw richard pryor

live in the

sunset strip

i couldn’t fucking believe this guy was just talking

he’s on stage just talking it was one of the most

profound moments of my

young life i was like 13 i think

i was in the audience and i was just looking around

and people were falling out of

their chairs

laughing and i was

holding my stomach

remember my stomach was hurting because i was

laughing so hard

and i was thinking how

crazy is this guy’s just talking

he’s just talking

and what he’s saying is way funnier than any

movie i’ve ever seen

i was thinking of

stripes at the time

cause stripes was this amazing

movie you know bill

murray the funniest guy ever and

chevy chase and they’re together in this

movie and it’s incredible

this was way funnier and this is just a guy talking

he was just talking delirious is what

got me when i was like 13 12 or 13 when i came out and

me and my brother

watched it at his

girlfriend’s house

who lived with her mom

and we were

watching it with my brother’s

girlfriend we were fucking

dying cause they’re the only ones that had like

it was a vcr or something no one had vcrs we were dying

then the mom came home

and we stopped laughing

and she was

standing right there

we did we just

froze we’re like oh shit we’re

gonna get busted there

was destruction yes she

stood there

heard fucking

eddie murphy go off

and she didn’t say shit she

doesn’t she didn’t say hi or nothing she

was fuck hmm

we didn’t laugh at all

she went upstairs

bam and then

that was the funniest shit

ever ever yeah delirious was at the time

he took it to a whole new level

that destruction it’s terrible now but yeah

it’s not funny is it funny

when i was a kid man that was the best shit i was the

greatest how many does not hold up man it

is not a lot of it does not hold up

most old stand up comedian ever wanted

like some old bob hope shit

oh it’ll make you want to jump out of fucking window

letty bruce too

old yeah some of

that shit you kidding me

fucking hilarious

still got some shit

the time listed the timeless it is

early kinesin

that’s will always be

lenny bruce has a few timeless moments he’s got this

he goes homosexuals they want to make

homosexuals illegal so dig this this is what they do

they take a guy who’s gay

and they put him in prison with a

bunch of guys who want to have sex with him

i mean come on man he

knocked that shit out of the park in like 1950

that’s funny that’s funny

that would stand up now

when you go dig this man dig man dig this man so

catch this but towards the end he went

crazy towards the end he would just go on

stage with his illegal

papers and read from his legal documents

he was out of his mind he was fucking nuts bro

what’s another what’s another classic lenny bruce

there’s not that many

it’s cloud oh

yeah he had one about

he goes out catholics man i don’t think they get it

you know it’s like

you know jesus comes back you think he wants to

see across it’s like

a guy walking around with an electric chair on his neck

so let me ask you

something lenny bruce did that first yes before bill

hits yes yes

yes wow yeah

is lenny bruce’s joke

that’s pretty deep

when i seen

when i heard bicentennial nigga and mmm

i said richard

prior son and

shit from that

remember so many

you have to look at a couple

yeah that’s one from you have

to see the best one from whatever is hey man

say nigga you with the cape

why you looking

window what’s your name boy dracula

what kind of name is that for nigga

where you from fool


i know where it is nigga

you ain’t the smartest motherfucker in the

world you know but you is the ugliest

oh yes you ugly motherfucker

and what’s that dirt on the back of your neck

you a filthy little motherfucker too

you better go home before the sun come up i ain’t lying

see your ass in

the day you might be looking at arrested

you wanna suck what

suck some black niggas you

you some kind of freak boy

an ugly freak oh that’s damn

joey you just

cracked it that was my heart

that was my

heart guys i listened to that he had

mud bone in there

oh mud bone chinese restaurant

mouth give me another give me another old billy

our gang beautiful man

one more another

sound bite our gang mud bone goes to hollywood

chinese restaurant when he told

i knew jesus yeah

i met that nigga at the railroad depot

i told him don’t you

go down there messing with them jews without no money

was the jesus that was great but by some

time they were there he goes to the baptism

in the face like a lion and a body like a serpent

i don’t know about you but i don’t wanna see no

motherfucker that looks like that you’re funny

man when i was a kid when i was in high

school my me and my

girlfriend bethany

we used to come home from high

school and i

had a cassette player when you listen to richard

parker cassettes

and just giggle

cause we knew we

shouldn’t be listening to this just giggle and laugh

dude there was

this guy that i work with at ups we work next to each

other on and

on an assembly line when we’re sorting

boxes is just we’re just

there’s a fucking

conveyor belt with

boxes and we’re sort

of that that’s a dude man dude

that’s a that’s a

wow we shift

nightmare that’s

230 to seventh

oh my god god my life was waking up at fucking 1

30 oh that’s

1 30 was you know what if you

would kept that job

today they would have paid job for two million

that was that’s

about it just got bought up yeah my

buddy did that you can you imagine he had the same job

since high school oh my you

would have to go on 11 15 and work till three

high school

as a senior in junior

but guess what

when ups went public they paid that


three million dollars

three million

they went public because he had 30 years of

stocks they were just giving away stocks

like just give this guy he’s a part timer

there was a nightmare man that was

so much what he stopped talking to his brother and

everything i’m talking to his brother

the brother club is like

brother have business investment opportunities

people always have

business investment opportunities

no there was this guy

this black guy that i worked next to we fought a

lot man we had box wars and shit it’s a long story man

he was pissed off that

his conveyor

belt was busier than mine

and i was the new guy

he was fucking pissed but anyways

he would always have a ghetto box

and he fucking played andrew

is a black guy

named phil collins

a black guy

named phil coles

he was always

angry that he got them the busy belt

boxes were coming for

you’ll throw

boxes at me and shit i’m like god damn it

this sucks i gotta quit

but anyways he

would always play andrew

dice clay in a ghetto box

he knew andrew

dice clay ever

yet at that

point it was like 1990

andrew dice

had a couple

he had a few cds at that

point he knew

everything he

would put a different one

the day the

laughter died

he was just

going back and forth and

it was you know

that’s my story

about and comedy

by the way i

gotta tell joe

while we’re on this subject

it’s very interesting

i used to always tell you about

ups people used

to always tell me how they used to ship ship on

ups and i take them aside and go

don’t ship none on ups

because my buddies ran

the paramus one and

yes is they have a little gate

where they have

rolexes and diamonds because they ship all the

world’s diamonds on ups

a lot of people don’t know that

and they have a gate

so when that

bell goes off that means the security gate go opens

and they would have

these conveyor belts

and these guys

would have to sort shit out

well mike next to

buddy’s rotation

throw it under the conveyor belt

and it would get

stuck and rip open

oh dude i got shit off

top shit from my

buddy used to show up with rolex presidentials bitches

and they were selling for ten k cash selling

three a week

making eight fifty an hour ups selling

three presidents did not know there was so many getting

stolen because they’re on insurance anyway

this is a long time

for surveillance cameras

cameras rip open

because the

boxes ripped they

would just want to take the box and throw on the

floor they have tracking numbers

they know where it stops

they would take the box and throw it in the conveyor

belt so the belt would break it

box open and

they would say the watch got damaged it’s in

pieces go get it the watch was in their fucking pocket

with the warranty and everything

so a twenty thousand dollar

watch that you would they would sell

three a week these kids

each of them would yanking 90 grand a week out of that

plus diamonds

plus anything else that came out of fucking ups

those cocks

good old that was the

worst job ever

you don’t move

it was so bad

that the position i had i thought it was a

promotion like i thought it was moving up

up in ups and

the way you get into ups is hard because i was working

as a temp at the united

states post office

and that shit was only six

months or a year something like that

and it was coming to an end

so i had to get another job so i had

people that worked at ups they go dude

try ups it’s

gonna be really hard

to get in though

they hire three out of 30 people that they come in

they bring 30 people and they hire

three and i’m like

dude they’re looking for

warriors dude

it’s really hard it’s really hard two

thirty to seven

thirty and they work you four

hours like a fucking dog

but they paid you eight

bucks an hour

and minimum wage back then was

three thirty five so it was like

i want that fucking money

you know so

i went in there just bullshitted my way through it

i went to the fucking interview

and and they go why do you

think you’re good for this job mom

i love working

in the middle

at graveyard

shift i’m always up

i have so much energy i just wanna

so much energy at that time

i love hard work i don’t

wanna work retail and deal with people

i wanna work in the back

basically what i did was like what you

would do to a

chick you try

to pretend that you’re something you’re not yes totally

dude when they called the

three finalists

and it was one of them was me and i’m like fuck yeah

i came and i knew i just bullshitted my way through

you guys had

finalists and there was

three of them

yeah dude it was

three out of 30 people

they fucking called our name

we fucking come in

and then they take us they

give us on a tour of ups

tremendous warehouse so did you say i really

think my career is here yes

all that shit

all that shit

i could see

retiring with ups so at

first the when you

first come in this is 130 you’re unloading semis

their first job is you get in the semi though two

worst motherfucker

there’s all

these semis and go you’re part of the semi crew

you’re just putting

fucking boxes

on conveyor belts and then the conveyor comes out

and then the

first guy sorts it by zip code and he has a

bunch of belts behind him

and he’s going for it

so i’m in the fucking

truck going fuck

working hard

going i gotta get out of this fucking

truck i need to be in the

sword is all the dust in here

this is for the fucking

slaves fuck this shit

so finally they i bumped up now i’m a splitter

and they time your ass

their time they’re like hiding in the

comparable time

how many packages can you

sort yes you

have to dude you can’t

think you’re like

there’s nine belts behind you and you’re like fucking

going crazy

but i would know when they were watching

i would know i was like

i’m like i’m like always looking around

always looking i’m like oh this


gonna tie me

i would miss sort

everything i was just

i was just mis sorting shit

they don’t know who the fuck mis sort shit

and after we would have our meeting or it was a

great day you guys did

great like the team leader

fucking edgar bravo again

the record holder for

today the guys on fire he’s doing great

i was the fucking

dude i was the man and you

really sucked i wasn’t that good but i

can see them timing my ass

and when it was time for the big

promotion way up the conveyor belt

like the dude who sorts for the actual

trucks that are going out the conveyor belt yeah

they go we go up

the promotion goes to

edgar bravo

for his fantastic work and his fantastic times

like oh shit i got a

baby now what a

whack system

definitely not know you were

horse horse shitting them dude

they just whack

that’s hilarious

they don’t get miss sorted because there’s

conveyor belts that go for fucking

like hundreds of yards and they’re

going through all this shit

it’s complex

by the time

when down the road in the conveyor belt they see a miss

sword that’s a miss sword

goes to the miss

sword i on it comes all the way back

i don’t know who the fucking sort it

they make mistakes

all the time you don’t know what the fuck’s going on

they’re fucking idiots

well anyways um

i thought i got a

promotion got a

fifty cent raise

and i’m sitting there

back to back like

mirror you’re sorting for people behind you

and i’m sorting for people behind me

and it’s me and phil collins and we’re

going i’m the

they the reason the guy quit i didn’t know he

couldn’t handle working with phil collins

cause phil collins was

like just this bean fucking

black guy that

would fuck really cool before work

started where

everyone went to what

about the jets

oh my god did you see fucking boomer cyacin

he was on fire

everybody was really fucking cool

two o’clock

in the morning

but once it starts

you start fucking getting pissed

and he would get pissed that i

that i was getting help

because i was new i was fucking out

the guys were always helping me the managers

but they weren’t helping him

so fuck man that was the

worst job ever i

ended up quitting

they were begging me to come back because

to get a guy to get

you it takes like two

months to fucking have that shit wired

it takes a long time and

until you get it

wired the fucking

guys got to help you the managers got to help you

they knew they don’t want you to quit

we just put in a fucking

nine months in with you

you better not quit

i would quit that were begging me to come back i’m like

i’m gone my back hurts i faked a back injury i just

give me the fuck out of here well we’re all

happy you did that

yeah because then

we would have lost you bro you

would have been

yes i would have been

ups only a blue belt

you’ve never gone abu dhabi

fucked up thank god for phil collins if you’re out

there thank you man

thank you phil colin how do you

spell ran from

h i l c o o

c o l l e i don’t remember man because it was

phil collins

is a drummin and there was a guitar player from

they’re calling

def leppard

def leppen you

think you’re dealing with some fucking novice

here you know

what’s up what’s the song of the week

how about fucking

i can’t play songs on us

i we fucking

on the way up here

listening to

leonard skinner

who i never even seen coming out of the woodwork

but i heard

whatever free bird oh my god they fucking around thug

where they yeah

leonard’s kid

had some fucking gemini

all them brothers

those sweet home alabama to this day year

don’t don’t

don’t he says

turn it up oh my fucking come on

that’s it turn that

motherfucker all time

jam that’s an all

time jam fuck the rent money

so what you got

going on this weekend

i got nothing

man i was gonna go to

sal’s and i don’t know what happened then

sal’s comedy

holes temporarily

just goes down because he’s got no liquor

license you’re not doing nothing this weekend

just chillax and

i gotta keep writing and then

austin you guys are doing a gig in austin

yeah that’s

the 14 that’s the 14 that’s a wednesday i got bray

the next wednesday

to tuesday the

ufcs on a wednesday tuesday

night joe rogan

joey thea ari

just you and joey

and austin beautiful i’ll be there too

laughing doing my thing to next wednesday

brian yeah oh next wednesday is your monthly show yeah

who’s doing

that with you i’ll do that with you yeah

let me know what’s cracking

i’ll do that

that’s really get big it’s been a lot of fun

yeah you’ve been selling that place out

right yeah man we’ve been doing good fucking numbers so

every month joey does

where can they find out about the show the brea improv

and improv calm

seven one four four eight two oh seven hundred

where could they like the other

when you’re gonna be there

if you go on the

if you go on the brayer schedule has me on there the

you have your website updated

no i have the beauty and the beast website

you gotta update your website your website i mean

you’re always doing something

you know i got a lot of people that

would like to know where you’re gonna perform they know

but no i know

we need to get you a real website with a

real schedule

you hit him up on twitter sure bro

and if you don’t know joey’s twitter it’s on the you

stream page you can see it there but matt

flavor m a d

f l a vor i don’t know

about that brian knows all

about this and i’m glad that you’re finally at least

connected to

the internet and really into this and for you were

right a lot of blogs for a while

i still write

every monday do

you put them

where do you put them up myspace

joey’s on the internet

still rocking myspace

because that’s where i

started with that it’s too hard to transfer a mobile

no you copy and

paste well here’s

the problem i have something different

sucker i have

three different batches of people

my facebook has more family people

i grew up with

i don’t want and

they know but they don’t know you know what i’m saying

twitter people my people on here you

motherfuckers are the best

i can talk about eating

ass i can talk

about stabbing puerto ricans

you guys are the best myspace

i go all out but there’s nobody left just like me

and a couple people

but i write my blog

on myspace just because i

started on there sometimes i get

if i get a lot of hits real

quick i’ll put it on twitter or something it’s

kinda weird how myspace just fuckin

it’s hard i’ve

never seen anything

like that but it

was so popular

and just got crushed

i don’t know

about that we just keep moving i

think facebook

is a better product i don’t even

like my myspace i don’t even

put i don’t even bother advertising for seminars at all

you know yeah i don’t

my shows anymore on myspace i just

keep it up for the

music people want to hear my music


my music’s up on myspace

that’s it but i don’t fuck i don’t fuck with the

gets a part of it

facebook’s just so much

smarter with

their updates and shit

like can go to your timeline see all this different

shit that’s happening it’s kind of interesting

you know bob’s

in a relationship with lisa oh no shit huh

click this it’s crazy

just go busy body and

start fucking

looking through it by the way

september nineteenth i’m in rochester a

tenth planet

rochester with chris herzog

what’s it that

september 18

september 18th is rochester that’s

a saturday september 19th is the viper room on the

sunset grill

i know that

strip it’s got

those dates

wrong man for some reason i believe

the eighteenth is saturday

yeah the eighteenth is rochester and the nineteenth

is the viper room

yeah and the

viper room with

you want to get on the

guest list twister bravo

at sbc global

net i’ll put you on the

guest list if you’re in la

september 19

sunday 9 p m

10 this is your band

yes september

eighteenth bro

eighteenth is saturday

night yeah eighteenth is

rochester rochester

okay so the

sunday is the the viper

room yes yes

sunday night

viper and the

monday is a holiday so come on

bitch is it really is

there’s another

opening of the

ufc gym on the

eighteenth i’m

going to rosemead

oh shit columbus

columbus is september columbus

20th is probably columbus day

and october 10th is

something else i guess

also my new websites up all the techniques

are free on it all the shit that i put up on my website

is all free of

stuff that i charge for before

up until october first so

watch them all

ten planet jj com

click techniques please

thank you so

your chick got fucking picked up for cocaine

this weekend in

vegas that dummy

which one on

paris silvers

what happened her homeboy this what i tell you don’t

smoke in the car cock suck i

smoke don’t

smoke in the car

it’s a running joke that joey diaz will just

hop into a fucking car in the middle of a police parade

doesn’t mean shit he’ll just

start lighting that joint

where’s the reefer cocksucker

what are we doing there we playing games

they’ll just start

lighting joints and i’m always

thinking we’re

gonna get pulled over and we’re

gonna get you

know this is not good you’re not supposed to

smoke weed in the car so

we should have a rule

you should never

smoke weed in the car don’t smoke weed

while driving

i don’t it just

smells it up too much this is the reason

like an hour you’re vulnerable

you know well not only that it’s just stupid

she was smoking the windows were open

and the fucking

smoke got out and there was a bike cop or

something yeah and

right away drove

right by him and

smelling weed

smell the weed

so he pulls them over and finds coke in her car

well this bitch

asked to go

to the bathroom goes to the bathroom forgets to

you know when you got pulled over the

first thing you do is you take that illegal substance

put in your fucking snatch

especially if

you’re abroad if you’re a guy putting your ball sack

where did this happen

touch in vegas oh

yeah she in jail

no no she got let out but

i think nancy

grace was very

upset who is she to be let out of jail

if it was you or i

we would be in there

right now speaking

of people bro

speaking of dr phil

i read some

stuff from the

tabloids that he’s having

trouble with his wife is that all bullshit

is that bullshit or is that real

what do you think

fuck that no no no

i don’t i don’t

like hundreds of millions of

dollars and i bet you bitches bomb

no no what i’m saying is

i don’t give a fuck what anybody does in

their own life with

their marriage i don’t wish

any harm in

their marriage i hope everyone fucking

that motherfucker dr phil

that mother i’m

gonna enjoy

watching his life fall apart

he’s a fucking

idiot man i hate that guy wow

strong word

i hate that fucking guy he’s a fucking backstabber to

the the male

gender come on

that guy’s the biggest fucking he’s a traitor

he’s hustling whatever

everyday i’m hustling

it’s gonna be funny

it’s gonna be funny to

catch him busted with hookers and shit i know that’s

gonna be fucking hilarious

it’s gonna be interesting

what does happen to him he’s

gonna have to be very careful

about his image if he does get divorced he

could be total

horseshit and he

could be getting

along with his wife

great but if

if he gets divorced and he’s out there wilding

he’s out there dating

because there’s

gonna be bitches that

wanna set him up try to get on tmz

how about the dr phil

sketch that was on the man show that was a two parter

remember that shit

on the man show

it was a reality when a guy that was posing as

a dr phil had a fake book signing and people

showed up and

thought it was

all kinds of crazy shit

like the girls were in line

get they didn’t even know it was him it looks like him

but i probably didn’t fool everybody

but man it was a

total punk like he

would say like when

he was signing the

i got some coke back in the

hotel room you down and girls be like

yeah let’s do this

girls were down

he hit and then he was he was making moves on this one

chick and from

under the table

a girl came out

like he had been getting a blowjob and just walked away

and he just kept talking to me you want to party

get your friends let’s go i got some coat

and they were

fucking down

it was it was so

funny that sketch it was so much material

it was the only

comedy it was the only man show

sketch that two parts

they did it

again the next

week there was so much material yeah yeah

it was too funny

if stan hope and i had a real show

where we could have really done what we wanted to do it

could have been very interesting

there was two problems with doing that man show

one was that

i was doing fear factor at the same time that was

crazy days way too

crazy days dude

in the middle

of all that

man show shit i’m training

for abu dhabi

i’m looking for

the man show depressed out of my mind it was the worst

from day one

inside i wanted to kill myself i’m like this

fucking is not what i thought it was

gonna be well when it

started out

what it was supposed to be was supposed to be we

would be able to do whatever we wanted

the way they sold it to me was

explain the beginning

explain the beginning how they offered to you the show

while you were

on i was doing

fear factor and

they were saying we want you to take over the man show

and i was like

with who you know

and they said

well we have a

short list of peoples or anybody that you

would want to do

it with and i’m like there’s only one guy doug stanhope

i go that’s the only way it

would work i

go he’s the only guy that’s like that like fits

right in there with me like my


my sensibility rather

and so they said wow you guys

would be perfect you

could do it i’m like but it

would be too

restrictive they’re like no no no you don’t

understand a lawsuit

would be good for us the guy actually said this to me

he said if we got sued okay

it would be

great publicity

it would be

great and that’s

what we want to do we want to do nudity blur it out

if you want to

swear beep it out

essentially you

could do anything that you

would talk about

and real quick

we already had like ten fifteen ideas for sketches

even before that so

this was like a perfect

thing i remember you called me go dude

the fuck comedy

central wants me to take over the man show

how fucking

crazy is that we were just

we were thinking

so anyway what happened was yeah totally

it was it was very strange

and they came up to me and they

basically just

gave us a story

about what they were

going to be able to do for us we’re

going to have some show

it’s going to be

completely wild you can do whatever you want

but once we got in there it was a

completely different

story they had

really restricted ideas

about what the subject matter should be

the guy who was the

executive producer wind up

kind of hijacking the show and taking

other things

his direction

and this is the guy that me and doug hired

yes he had his own you

hired the head writer

he hated you you and him

you remember that right

yeah remember that the head

rider i remember you

going out to dinner because they were

before you signed you were like let me pick the head

rider and you said

can i hire my guys i’m gonna

bring in my guy what was your guy’s name the ball to

be honest none of

jones none the bald guy the comedians

mcguire yes you wanted to

bring in chris mcguire and

maddie kersch

and me and they said no no whatever you want to do man

whatever you have

total power

you have total

power dude and you’re like damn

and you called me and go dude they’re giving me

total fucking power

you go well i want to be able to hire the head writer

you went out met with some guys and you met with

giannis yeah

let’s not get too into this

i know what you’re saying but i don’t want to

throw tom giannis

under the bus i

think he’s a talented

guy he just did what he thought was the right show

and i wasn’t there

well i wasn’t

there in the network had real serious ideas

about what they wanted and you know

they were the

ones around the show and coming up with the

money and they had some real serious ideas

about what they thought was

funny and one

of them was they didn’t want joey on the show

and i wanted joey to come out the beginning of the show

naked and introduce everybody

he would come out with a

microphone the handheld microphone

let’s get this

party started

and joey’s dancing and

everything it was

probably one of the funniest

things we ever did and they fought to the

point of tears

this fucking chick

who i like very nice person she’s executive

she’s telling me

why is that

funny i’m like

how could it not be

funny i go you’re

gonna get joey

diaz he’s gonna run out

naked you pixelate

his balls the crowds

gonna go crazy

it’s gonna put him

in the perfect mood i just don’t see how this is funny

i don’t see how this is funny

tears are coming down her eyes

i go we’ll do two

intros we’ll do one without it and

we’ll do one with it we do one without you go out there

the fucking

place goes apeshit they are falling down laughing

it was hilarious

the best intro ever and i got that on camcorder

and so then i go to her and i’m like

i raise my hands up see told you

like you gotta

i know what i

think is funny

i’m capable of reproducing what i

think is funny

you might not

think it’s funny on

paper you might not

think it’s funny as i’m describing it to you but

i know it’s

funny to me

and if it’s

funny to me it’s

gonna be funny to

other people it just has to be but

these are things

that we have

executives that

went to college for four years

that’s why the reason chappelle quit

because it was

also the reason

why it turned

out it was the reason why adam corolla and jimmy

jimmy kimmel stopped doing it because

they they they gave up ownership of the show

so that they could have creative control

they gave up on because they’re

tired of these idiots

and they gave up

they like look look

look you guys can have the fucking show

we just want to be responsible for what gets done

and they for sure didn’t want to hire me

they said no no no once you sign they go no this

eddie bravo has no tv

experience why the fuck do we want him on the show

and they’re like no we’re not

going to hire chris mcguire and pot

it out but no

the problem was they didn’t

understand what

i was trying to do i was trying to i was like look

he says funny shit he comes up with some

funny ideas

he might not be like a writer

in as far as like he’s not

gonna come up with a

properly formatted sketch

you know without

everything he

could eventually do that but for

right now what he’s good at he’s good at

looking at things

funny smoking pot coming up with

crazy ideas

and you could you know

that’s what they

weren’t having it they

weren’t hearing it you had to use

it he wanted it to be his show

and i wasn’t there enough i was doing fear factor at

least three days a week

so for three days they

would be running this the show and doug

did not feel confident enough to take over he

would send me messages

he would call me up and go do this

fucking hell here this is just driving me crazy this

just this fucking

stupid sketch is getting in i can’t get this done and

and then the janet jackson nipple

thing happened and then we were fucked

because then

we already had approved they yanked out

they pulled

shit out of episodes

because after that janet jackson nipple fiasco

people who don’t know who

weren’t in show business to

a lot of people was nothing

some chick pulls her

tit out in a video

in a super bowl

thing rather

and it’s like who cares it’s kind of

gross it was stupid

they did something and it’s over

but to hollywood that cost people

money people

worried about

sponsors pulling out

people worried

about losing commercial

money and they acted man

they started

chopping up sketches and

removing bits and everybody went on a panic

they were all

sheep they just went on this

panic sheep run

banging into walls

tripping over themselves

trying to stop comedy

how about the

sketch that we

wrote that they

originally approved and they backed out of we were

gonna do extreme sack

fighting yeah

it was funny because i

never forget the day that that all went down

between you me and all

three of us

now i didn’t want to fucking be there either

it was the worst fucking

thing i was around it was a bad energy

right it was sarah

bad energy and i’ll

never forget that i went they made me rehearse

like jack offs that they were

and the guy tom giannis came over and oh it’s

hysterical we love it

then the next

day i go there and now everybody’s talking

about it was

hysterical to see all

these fucking

educated white people

walking around

like they didn’t know what the fuck to do

he’s gonna take his balls out

and he’s gonna run they

gotta kill and that’s it

so they all were arguing i

mean you should

see direction

we want to go in this is like a fucking hard

they did not want joe push this

with all his

might nobody

this is not a direction we want to go in oh

my you hired me

to do what i

think is funny

you told me you want to do some

crazy shit we’re

gonna do some crazy shit

and then they wanted me to be a juggie

a man juggie and take a piss

oh my crack

and i was like this ain’t

gonna happen

joey came running

yeah they like we want to

make up and

everything when joey came running

out all all bets were off they had to shut up for at

least that day so we had to

shoot two episodes

that day we had to

shoot two episodes

and i was gonna run through both of them

even after the

first one even

after they seen the laughter

they were like it’s not

gonna happen

but what got me was

i’m not familiar with this environment i’m a fucking

stand up comic at the time

i had done a couple

things but i wasn’t familiar with the whole

other side of this business

hollywood butchers lying

so the guy who was telling me to my face

how funny i am i

catch him when i get off stage

telling the comedy central people

that it was tasteless

and he thought it was terrible and he’s

gonna tell rogan

how my balls aren’t

funny and i

bust a dude

and all of a sudden i

look at him

and i fucking was raging and as i’m

at the end of the show i’m outside

and what really happened was

cause i don’t give a fuck

i was smoking a joint with a security

guard with this

black security

guard i whipped out a joint

right on this set you know i don’t give a fuck

and me and this the security

guard was like what you doing

smoking once

we went into a little nook and cranny on a saturday

remember they take on a saturday

and we sparked up and we got really fucking high

so now i walk in i got to put up with all that cut judy

brown all that shit

i’ll say this because i don’t give a fuck i walk in

and the guy comes and he goes to me

that was hilarious and i stopped and i go

how can you say that to me

how can you say that to me

i just see you with my own eyes

telling the people what

it wasn’t funny and

he didn’t see you when he was saying

right he didn’t see me

catching them

so i go how can you fucking say that to me

goes i go as a matter of fact i’m

gonna go in there and tell johnny goes you’re

gonna go tell joe

so you’re fired i go really

come here and i fucking go to

smack him you know me

dog i don’t give a fuck that guy’s a pussy

with his fucking bike he’s a

white biker

i’ll still smack you in the fucking

mouth fuck so

he goes outside

yeah he thought

he was bad to the ball with his bike he’s one of

these bikers from malibu bro he

could suck my dick

so the funny

thing is he’s outside by the pipe

that’s when i went to hit him

by the pipe and he hit his head with a pipe

and we’re outside and he’s sitting there like i’m not

going back unless joe diaz

leaves you’re a fucking man

and you’re sitting by a pipe like a little fucking girl

and all sudden my main

man had to come up to me jeff sussman he goes hey man

they don’t want you on a lot i

might as well

i gotta escort you off the line i remember i go sussum

and walk me over there

and i went over to put my hand down the guy

wouldn’t put his hand like a fuck you bitch

and he just looked at me like he was a

tough guy with his friends

and i remember he looked for the security guard

to throw me out he listen to security

guard the security

guard is like

we just smoked a joint

yeah i got his back it was very unfortunate

he was very political

and very very

deceptive no he

didn’t yeah

no he didn’t

we fucked up i fucked up in a

bunch of different ways on that show

but i fucked up with him i did not know he was that guy

thought he was a different guy

you know he turned

once he got in he wanted to

do it his way he decided that he was running shit and

it was a real problem remember the date day one day one

we walk in and we already have we

think that we have two episodes already done look

we’ve done all

these sketches that’s

about two episodes or

so we walked in

this we said

he goes we got these all

these episodes

ready to go

let’s do em

they said nah uh

you gotta write some new shit

forget about that that’s too

crazy and we’re not

gonna do that shit

start over so

right well it’s not that simple

there was no


of course a

bunch of sketches they had already prepared of course

of course of course i don’t think

this was day

fucking one

and day one they put me in a room with chris mcguire

and they go

write some jokes

about miami we’re

gonna go to miami

so now i’m i feel like i’m at high

school all day we’re trying to come up with

these ideas i’m like

fuck we have all

these other ideas that

what the fuck are we

right there i’m new like this is

day one the

first hour i’m like oh shit

by the fucking time that nightmare day ended

joe was there all day too

i go joe man i just can’t fucking

write here they’re

ignoring all the

other sketches that we did

and you were like yeah man

i can’t write here either i mean i had a writer’s

block here too just not the

right environment

so that day you told

giannis and the producers

hey me and eddie are

gonna write

at home we’re gonna

relax that’s when all the creative

juices come out

they said go

ahead get the fuck out of here

we’ll still pay

them they just wanted to get rid of me

so they from

i only work there the

first day and all

after that was

working at home

my job was i

had to write

we got together

a lot too but he was really busy with fear factor so

if we couldn’t get together i’d

write at home i’d have to have at

least one sketch

day so i’m at home

meanwhile i’m

training i’m

training for abu dhabi

going oh my god

this is not

what i thought it was

going to be fuck

i just quit my

strip job my

strip club job

strip dj job

for 10 years now i know this isn’t

gonna last day

one’s a disaster i’m like oh my god either the

show’s gonna get canceled

cause they were

green lighting

bunch of bullshit

every now and then occasionally something

would be funny like

the decapisac thing the

duck stanhope that was hilarious what we needed to do

with that show was we needed to have control of it doug

had to have control of it

and we had to have a producer

that was on the same page

and the other problem

we had with that show was that it was the man show

we should have been doing our own show we

should not have

been taking over someone else’s show that’s stupid

to me it was like a prepackaged

show that was like it was easy

it was like

being on fear factor

i didn’t really have the time to put something together

so this way

it’d be all put together but it was a mistake

and it was disrespectful to

those guys that

jimmy kimmel

and adam carroll i didn’t even

think it was at the time

i thought they had amicably

parted ways

cause jimmy wanted to do his talk show

and adam wanted to do his thing

but that wasn’t the case

they didn’t want the show to continue

they didn’t want

anybody else to do it and it was

their thing really so we shouldn’t have done the

first question you know i love you to all my heart

but is the air condition a

close by dog

like a fucking yoga

class in here

it’s on the

way i can go out in the hallway

we’re gonna end it a couple minutes anyway

i’m not sweating at all you’ve got

sweat on your fucking nose no i don’t or is that shiny

dude you got

my nose you got makeup on cock sucker

i got glistening god put some damage

oils i would have put one i

look slippery

what time is it

it’s almost five o’clock or four o’clock rather oh

you wanted to go to 420 symbolically

wanna end this at 420

or whatever i don’t give a you

gonna hang in

there with 20 minutes without air conditioning

no it’s too fucking hot

oh fuck think

about what mccain

went through in nom

i don’t give a

fuck with that cock sucker that was his choice

you know what i’m saying

i came up here to a

house i thought you had the air on

there’s on man it’s really

we didn’t even really talk

about the ufc man let’s do it what the fuck

oh yeah well we

might as well

right it’s what you think

about bj and frankie

edgar i thought

you know bj

the game plan like

when they were in between corners

they didn’t seem

to have a game plan the game plan was like kick his ass

you know the game plan was like

but there was no leg kicks

you know i mean

i want to see it way more leg kicks i thought

he can land leg kicks he’s landing them and

every one of

those leg kicks takes the spring out of your step

you’re dealing with a guy who can’t

you can’t catch him he’s so fast reggie

edgar is a lightning bolt he’s all over the

place yeah he’s too fast

he was able to land leg kicks bj landed a

bunch of leg kicks

when he tried

but the attempts

were not that many

i know it takes a lot of energy but he

should have been

throwing a lot more leg kicks i think bj

tried his fucking ass off look at the

fifth round he went

after him i just

think frank

frankie edgar is that good oh no

doubt he’s so fast

he never gets

tired he could do 25

rounds he never

starts so fast

his wrestling is top notch

his striking is amazing he’s hard to hit he’s

hard to get a hold of not taking anything away from

frankie i just thought bj’s game plan it just didn’t

the game plan i don’t

agree with his advice the advice in the corner

i don’t know

it wasn’t any advice they were just give it whatever

kick his ass whatever that announce

whatever you want to call i don’t know this from that

but the last two

fights against whatever

that was not the same guy seen

against diego sanchez there’s something more there

yeah it could

be a lack of

motivation it

could be you know he needs to mix

things up well the difference

between the camp

the difference between

frankie edgar

stand up and

diego sanchez stand up

there’s a huge difference but that’s a his hit but

dj hurt diego

early on the fight

that fight was over

it was perfect

you didn’t have any fucking tenacity

bj was well it

could be because

frankie edgar

counters that tenacity with his speed

it could be that bj gets

frustrated and you know he loses

he gets a little disheartened we’re seeing some

evolution we’re seeing

an amazing wrestler

with serious

stand because

for the longest time bj had the best hands at


no one was fucking with bj he was the best boxer

now frankie

edgar looks

like his technique i mean it’s totally different

but it seems like he’s just too fast

too good he’s working too hard

and i think you know

maybe bj might

you know a switch

like you mentioned

a switch of camps

maybe might not hurt or add

something new i

think frank

jaeger is kicking it to a

whole other

level athletically

speed wise endurance wise the way he can move his

training camp must be insane he’s a fucking worker

machine he’s one of

those little dudes you can’t fuck

with someone’s been fucking with him all of his life

and he built up a

level of tenacity

that not that many people can handle his

mentality is fucking perfect

is a randy coutures

mentality you know what i mean

and his cardio and his endurance and his will

but you know if

you look at like the way he moves he moves better than

randy oh no

no for sure i’m talking

about the mental

game and you know people are saying

oh he’s not stopping people he’s stopping some people

which you have to realize though is he’s

quite a bit smaller

than everybody else in the division he’s

154 pounds for real

legit i think

ultimately he’s

throwing with

with evil intentions

he just hasn’t developed the

power yet but i believe

you know within the next couple years two

three years

maybe five years

he’s gonna be

crushing people because he comes in

he comes in to

blast a hundred percent now with pj you

heard veach

and veach is a

tough guy you know

and he you know he

dropped him before he strangled him

and you know his

stand up when he was

fighting with sean shirk

he totally out kick box sean

sure yeah he’s a bad

motherfucker dude

it’s gonna be interesting

though the rematch with gray maynard that’s gonna be

very interesting very interesting

maynard’s a hard guy to beat man

you know you

complain all you want about his

style the problem he presents

problems you know what’s the solution to that problem

you got to be

able to stop him from taking you down man he’s a

powerful motherfucker and he’s a good

wrestler or you

gotta have a wicked fucking dustin hazlet

guard or something you know even more than

wicked than dustin

hazel it’s really

right cause dustin hazlitz couldn’t do shit

against rick’s

story you know

it’s more he needs like some fucking ao

well well he’s

going down to 55 because he

should be there

clearly ricky story was

three times

stronger than dustin hazley

right but so you know josh burkeman

strong as fuck too and

dustin had no problem with him

yeah but i think

ricky story is

stronger than

josh burkeman dude

yeah he went out he’s

from washington and he’s rolled with gerald one of my

black belt a lot and gerald

can he calls me to tell me

about the roles with with

ricky story said

he’s fucking amazing

these are so

powerful and good

very technical

you know you’re

gonna see him

start to develop some finishing too he’s all into

evolving and adding

weapons to his game constantly

and he’s into that

young and he

shows our better

yeah and he’s

his fucking mental game

that guy goes in there and fucking

he loves to destroy

dude can’t react

he’s up against the cages are ripping his body with

punches like oh

it’s very hard to deal with you know he’s

doing everything he

could just to stay

alive this guy was just

crushing them with punches

yeah i think about randy and tony

frankie edgar might need to go ahead

frankie edgar

might to really need to

take his guard game to the next

level i was impressed with him off his

back man i was impressed at how he recovered when bj

mounted him yes yeah bj

mounted him

got a hold of them and usually you’re dead when bj

mountain yeah

it’s usually over frankie

just shit fucking he’s got so much energy man he

could just keeps pushing keeps pushing he

doesn’t give up man

does not give up

you know some guys rest if bj

mounted you rest and you’re like oh fuck now i

gotta get out of this but let me bide

my time for a big explosion

frankie the moment you got

taken down was

move move move move move move move move i’m out

yeah obviously bj’s

guard wasn’t good enough to

really threaten

frankie edgar really

i mean frankie edgar

has great defenses

jiu jitsu is awesome too

but what i did like

about bj is his

guard recovery

his butterflies

and his foot on the hip control

god damn it was really beautiful to see and

again you know

he didn’t really attack that much off his back

but his recovery

just amazing he really uses his flexibility well

and when he had both his hips on frankie

or both his feet on

frankie’s hips

that’s just serious amazing yoda control you know

yeah i know he’s badass in controlling

guys like that but not enough to finish guys

it’s weird that bj is such a

jiu jitsu master but yet he

doesn’t really finish guys off of his back

you know he’s had problems in a lot of

fights where guys can take him down and hold him down

you know that was obviously the problem that george st

pierre fight

and there’s obviously the problem when

frankie edward

took him down too yeah

that’s a problem that is

prevalent in

there’s out there

have the answer a real

solid answer for the jail summons for isn’t that

weird that BJ

would would not have a guard like that that he

wouldn’t have this ninja assassin

guard like Shini Aoki yeah yeah yeah yeah like

you know why because he didn’t

and I would say this I mean I’ve told this to BJ

too I’m like you know what

if you stay at 55

there’s really no reason to master any kind of

guard just get back up

you’re fucking everybody you’re better than everybody

standing up

nobody at 55 can take you down

even big wrestlers can’t take you down

I even thought he

doesn’t need a

He doesn’t really need a

focus on his guard

I thought he didn’t need to develop an added

really didn’t even

you know he

was interested in the rubber

guard and he fucks with it a little bit

you know what I mean but

he I’m sure he felt like no one’s

gonna put me on my fucking back

but maybe now

now that he knows like shit these

fighters are getting so much better and there’s so many

wrestlers out there

you really have to have

the answer for jail sun in

and for like Frankie

Edgar and crazy

yeah for these

elite wrestlers like what he did to

Florian yeah

he took them down and got on top

when they talk

about your guard

the only answer

for the elite

wrestler and they’re

all over the top 10 of every

UFC white division the only

ants or one of the only

there’s only a couple answers and one of them is

having a when they talk

about your guard they don’t say that it’s just

oh man he’s got an okay

guard it’s a decent guard

they have to say your

guard is a fucking amazing like

don’t go in his guard

your guard has to be like Ryan Hall

your guard has to be like Shin

you you don’t want to fucking be in

your like raid

like Anthony Pettitz and

Shane Roller when Anthony Pettitz slapped on that

trial exactly you have

to have a super

dangerous guard if they are not

if people don’t talk

about your guard like it’s amazing and it’s fucking

crazy wicked and they

it’s one of the best guards

in your division

then you’re not good enough

you don’t have the answer for the

elite wrestler

most of the time

sometimes you throw up

a pop triangle

and it lands like

Anderson Silva made it work in the 5th round

Chris Lieben made that pop triangle work

and the Noguera

style of triangle it worked that works it does work but

um not at the highest rate

you know there’s

there’s a lot of

things that you

could do as well to add to that already game

you know to

those Noguera triangles you could

mix it all up there’s a lot of

things you can do

just look at what

Shiny Aoki has done

look at what Dustin

Hazel has done

look at what Matt Horwich has done

just pay attention

it’s out there you can

watch it on YouTube

you can do it too you need to have the answer for the

elite wrestler

and man having a

crazy wicked guard

can be the answer

what do you think

about James Tony

I ran in James Tony I know

gas station

it’s amazing that you lived in

you know the same

you know I was pulling for him at first William

well I thought that box I thought that these

MMA guys really didn’t know

these when you’re

a boxer and you’re that high rate of a boxer

you know you really don’t know

these guys can hit in

their hands and

their the timing and their

rights and shit

but when I watched the

countdown was when I was like

he didn’t work

he didn’t work he got a

great opportunity to represent boxing

but he didn’t work

you don’t think he worked out

I lost a lot of weight

he lost 15 pounds in 5

months okay

if you’re rolling any student lost 60

in a couple

months if you’re really

fucking rolling and let’s say you take this guy on

you got 4 months

the first month all you’re doing with

him you’re not working his hands they’re already there

so you basically working him getting up

and just rolling

little things just

surviving on

the back right there all

those things all day

you know when

I used to go to judo when I was a kid I was

skinny as shit

because the hardest thing

about judo isn’t

flipping it’s

every time you get up and fucking down

you get up and down 50 times a day that you get skinny

this guy didn’t do

that he got some guy from the FBI to come in and train

you know what the fuck

did you see that shit

you know I’m in Hollywood with Lidell I’m rolling

I’m rolling with Einstein I’m

learning the

basics how to bro

what how much can I

learn in 4 months

to get me out of a mess

right that’s what I’m

learning he didn’t know any better he

didn’t know

he didn’t know he got a guy from the FBI that

God knows what they

fucking paid up

what was it what was

the guy who

trained him to kenpo

videos of him online

doing kempo

with the guys that come behind him and cut his legs and

stuff James tony’s

the guy was

trained James Tony yeah it’s on the

underground I say is

James Tony actually doing it

well I mean he you know he

look the guy set

up a program for him but what does a guy know for real

you know what he really needed to do is go to

Colorado Springs and

train the Olympic

training center

he needed to get a guy who’s a fucking

jiu jitsu master to come with him

okay these guys are

gonna take you down you’re

gonna do your best to stop to take down

then once they get you

taken down then you’re

gonna work your

guard that’s what you need to do I just

get down and

try to make

those FBI man

he’s from the Federal Bureau

of my fucking

man down motherfucker

all the time

on a daily basis when I

watched the

countdown show what was very

clear to me is that the guys he was working out with

were letting him do

things for the camera

and that it was

they weren’t

elite grapplers

they were letting him do

things the guy

was like ah

they were like it was a demonstration like anytime

James rolled over like

I can’t believe he’s doing this

it’s like they were

letting him

do it they were putting on a show and letting

James throw them around

yeah I was like this is

silly I’m like he

might not know anything

about grappling

yeah there was this dude that fought Javi

Vasquez back in my

first King of the Cage show in 2000

he comes out and

claims he’s a Brazilian Jiu jitsu

black belt he’s this

French karate guy

and he thought

back then he just thought it was 2000 like you

could just say shit like that

and so Hobbie said

he said he’s been

training jiu

jitsu 12 years and he’s a

black belt under Hoist Gracie

that’s what he was telling

Terry troublecock

I think we got a live

one here he calls the police Gracie Academy they never

heard of the guy the guy’s bullshit

he’s trying to

scare Hobby into

going to the ground with him and

Hobby was a purple belt but

a did mad destroyer

on the local

Southern California

scene he would go to

Santa Santa Cruz as well and smash

he was the fucking

destroyer of the purple belts division and

there wasn’t very many

browns and blacks at that

point and he was

going to go against

this guy who

claimed to be a

black belt dude

hobby took him down and like the guy had no

training dude 0

he just laid flat on his back

and he tapped really

quickly how he

pound on him a couple times he just

tapped and it was over it’s like what the fuck was that

that’s an interesting

story but a much more interesting

story is the

other guy that we know

that claimed to be a Brazilian jiu jitsu

black belt that really

didn’t know anything that turned out to be a murderer

yes yeah there was a

dude we knew

his fake name was Rafael Tori

but his real name what was his real name

damn I don’t remember but he told people

he he taught karate

did karate his

whole life and he

taught karate

and he told

people he was a

black belt in Brazilian

jiu jitsu this guy

Eddie was hanging

around with this guy you were you were he was doing

half Brazilian

he said website

right he was

a writer no

he was a writer he was probably one of the most popular

journalists back down on the


I mean Rafael

Torre was all over the


it was 2000 it was

still in the

dark ages so it was easy for a guy to bust up

and he was on

speed all the time I didn’t know this

until like years

later so he

would work hard dude he

would always have shit and

pride loved him he always had reports

he always had interviews

oh dude he was probably

one of the top 3 writers

in all of MMA

well I remember he was very

productive and he

would do you

know he was doing his version of gonzo

journalism for

MMA like asking MMA

fighters if they like anal sex

it’s like being real crazy

yeah that was

my shit so it turned out that this dude wasn’t really a

black belt at all and

we you know and it wasn’t half Brazilian

yeah it was like it was all

crazy we were driving and

Eddie had this confrontation with him on the phone

to make a long

story short

homeboy winds up killing some dude strangling him to

death the husband

of this chick that he’s banging

and he winds up

going to jail for it

when he was he was a murderer

he he got this guy for insurance

yeah yeah him

yeah the the wife

of this guy that he strangled

you know so they

they decided to

set this up and

he choked the guy to death

yeah kill the guy with a real

naked choice

how ironic is it that his

black belt wasn’t legit

but he killed someone with a rear

naked choke yeah

you know what I mean

poor guy the

poor guy killed didn’t

train at all and probably didn’t even see it coming

he just jumped him and choked the shit out of him

can you imagine

Matt man your fucking wife is banging some

other dude and that dude comes to your

house and kills you

he didn’t go to his

house he lured

him into his gym

fuck and I testified on that

trial did you really yes

you had to go to

court I had to go to

court and just finger them and they called to

me they called me the cops called me because I called

Gerald once

and when I was talking to Gerald on the

phone the phone was being tapped

and Gerald and I are talking

about you know his

possibility of him

fighting the UFC

whose you want to

fight this now

blah blah blah

and Rafael tori’s name comes up

and I’m like what’s

going on with

that dude and so Gerald was like being tapped

and he was like talking all

these different people

about it and then

everybody that he talked to on the

phone they had to talk to the cops

but I didn’t really know anything

I didn’t know the guy I just knew the guy through Eddie

fortunately I wouldn’t

fucking go to

court about that

yeah so what do you have to say

yeah that guy’s fake

he’s a liar

basically yeah

I forget the questions

they made me ask but dude I hung out with that

like he was always brought in and whatever show I was

commentating whether it was King of the Cage or Pride

or even too hot to handle

he was always the reporter who’s

gonna blow up

he’s not gonna

handle was in Holland

right yeah that’s when I talked

about with the boss root

now Sam and boss dude and

he was so busy

so amped up on

speed he always had articles and

to blow up shows you

bring Raphael Torah

and he’ll blow it all up all over the Internet

always on speed huh

how did you find out he was always on speed

it came out later

you know on the trial do

you know Ari took

what is it called

adderall took an Adderall says it’s the fucking

greatest thing ever for getting

things done

just cleaned out

speed did yeah

yeah but what is it why is it

speed help you get organized

how does that

work how does it give you fucking energy what the fuck

you feel like you

could do anything you just want to

paint the fucking house

you want to go to college

let’s drive to fucking Louisiana

you know what I mean

is it bad for you is it bad for you

come on it’s

gotta be it’s

gotta be right it’s

gotta be what comes up must come down

right dude anything that

speeds you out is

gotta be bad for you that’s like

super but it’s not just

super speeds you out it makes you look really organized

Robert Schimmel told me once

he took one accidentally and he said he just

started organizing all of his notes just kidding

that’s what happens when you do

speed too I would

think that you

could use that though as a tool

if you could

really make sure

you didn’t do too much of it and didn’t fuck up your

whole system

short circuit

everything like

every now and then we need

but the problem is you come down so hard

that you want more to come down hard

I don’t know

about Adderall but anything

speedy that

goes up comes down oh yeah

hard we call

buddy was on it every day

are you what does he say

buddies on he said he loves it helps him

organize helps

him work and he’s pretty fucking ambitious he’s

he’s a hard

worker but he said he was just really listless and

couldn’t get anything

going on and you know and they got him on the Adderall

and then Bam

you know he just couldn’t

focus and constrain on things

he just had a hard time committing to

things and constrain who knows

maybe it works different than

speed because

speed somehow

I don’t know how it works really

well by a Phoenix

speed and that’s the fuel

of the capitalist society

I mean look we’re the

people who drink coffee

every day in

every union contract they have

they negotiate a time

where you could take a drug

there’s a fucking coffee break

you know and

union contracts have coffee break time

what is a coffee

break coffee

breakers in your work it’s fucking 11 a

m it’s not quite

lunch yet coffee

truck pulls up

and you get a chance to take fucking 5 10 minutes off

and fuel up on some

some stimulants

it’s good for the company you come back all

jazz and charge

and you feel better you work harder you feel better

and you feel like you got another little

break you know that’s

union things is one

thing they figured out that was smart

you know look

everybody doesn’t have to be a

slave like people will go

against unions say

unions fuck up business and union

they don’t work hard and they make too much

money and blah blah blah

they make work

easier and that’s good right

it’s not good to have people work like fucking slaves

wouldn’t it be better if

they got a little bit less done but everybody was more

happy wouldn’t that be better

if they get a nice coffee

break and get to

relax for an hour for lunch

where they don’t

feel like they’re getting tortured all day

you know maybe if they got some shit to do during lunch

they can go somewhere and fucking pay a Bill

or you know pick up a fucking

thing that they were supposed to buy you

know how fast do

those hours go by god damn it

our break our

breaking shit talking

about coffee

break is it

smoke break it is it for it’s 4

20 on the knock

out of here

joe’s 4 20 on the dot it is that’s

how he ends it

let’s fuck around

Joe Rogan this podcast

03:58 20 that’s the moon

pointing we

gotta respect because 4

20 got shit to do and people see you know I’m saying

you know what I didn’t even fucking

thank the pot the

flashlight for

sponsoring this are we doing this next Wednesday

though all right

next Wednesday doing this as

often as we can and as

this fucking

this camera sucks man I got a camera that

auto focuses

and so there you go you

gotta move before it goes into

focus again

hey we like to thank

the flashlight

don’t fuck your hand no more fuck the

flashlight you know what I’m saying

why fuck your hands they’re worn out

after 18 years

give them a fucking

break work your

muffler with that you can fuck the

flashlight straight up

it comes in

colors what’s the website Joe Rogan

flashlight com

and listen joey’s

not even speaking to the

voice of experience I’ve personally fucked one I’ve

never fucked the

flashlight flashlight

flashlight Eddie bravo’s fucked one

yeah I’ve had one for but I’ve had like a fake

flashlight I’ve had this

state that on

Teller when

you do it like this then you roll it like this

it’s kind of like a fucking

flashlight so

send me one cocksucker and I use it on camera yes

people on Twitter please stop sending me the

video of the chimp fucking the

monkey like it’s a

flesh or the

monkey fucking

flashlight is probably better than a frog yeah

do we need to get

those chimps frogs do what if the frog feels awesome

would you do it

no no for the show no no I don’t

wanna I don’t

wanna fuck a frog

but it didn’t it’s

gotta kill the frog

maybe it doesn’t how

would a frog

maybe it deep

throats it have you seen the size of

their fucking

throats have you ever seen that there’s a girl

ideepthroat com

I think her name is Heather she’s like

famous online for her ability to swallow cock

it’s always her husband’s cock like it’s always like

he films her

sucking his dick all over the

world right in bathrooms

everywhere and she just goes

straight down to the balls

these guys got

a big dick she goes straight down the balls

and just licking his balls

while his dick just disappears in her mouth

but the problem is you see a girl like that in

video totally sets up your

expectations way too high

how many chicks can do that

is she sponsored by Flashlight

no that’s the bits that

should be sponsored by no

why she’s a

human flashlight

she can’t get to anybody

until she gets to your town

use the flashlight

that’s right what

love you cock suckers

anyway if you go to

flashlight com there’s a link

if you go to Joe Rogan

net supposedly if you go off that link you get 15

off and it really is

better than beating off that’s my

point you know you beat off I do too

you know you know we all do just

stop being shy get one of

those it’s excellent

if 60 is well invested

you’ll enjoy

your nut sessions

then you know

to the creators of

Flashlight you guys need to

think of a thing that

where you can just

you can close it up and then

throw it into like your washer

and it washes through on its own

it’s a cleanup

take notes it’s

the cleanup that sucks

yeah it’s a little

annoying but

it’s like in

a dishwasher you know what I

mean you can’t be lazy bro

can’t have a

self cleaning

flashlight the last

thing I want to do

after a nut from a from a jerk off session is

clean some shit on my Samurai

DVD samurai CD

yeah we didn’t give him a

music video this week either

we’ll give you on Musashi

I love you cock sucking a Motu

musashi a film by Hiroshi

in Inagaki a 10 planet

curse 19 is up right now just went up today 10 planet

watch 19 on YouTube

thank you everybody came to Boston this week we had a

great fucking time at the Wilbur

Theatre that was awesome

thank you everybody that tunes into the podcast

I love you bitches

and we will continue to provide

free entertainment to you as long as

it’s fun and it’s fun as fuck so we’re

gonna keep doing it

thank you very much everybody love you

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