The Joe Rogan Experience #41 - Ari Shaffir

the joe rogan experience


i don’t really really

really really really really really really nice clock

his name is long

it’s well huh

that’s a really

really really really really really really nice one

got a really really really really really sweet snap

stains remains in opposition to fulfills

got a really really really really really sweet treat

it sounds really distorted

that’s how the mp3 is yeah

a lot of his stuff is like that

that guy the guy who is singing that song

the guy’s name with well his

stage name is tonetta

that was weird

and he’s way weirder in real life

this song is weird but the guy’s way weirder

weirder in real life

he lives in toronto

he does not perform

but there’s a

group that performs his songs

as a representation of his songs

they put masks on and shit

wow and they perform like a tonetta show

but he’s like this weird dude

who just records these songs and these

crazy fucking

music videos

in front of like a curtain that he put over his

kitchen you know it’s like

really primitive

his lip syncing is totally off like this the

sound of the music

but for whatever

reason it’s really compelling it’s interesting

and he’s got

dozens of songs

dozens of songs are there he’s really prolific

and i don’t like a lot of it

but but a lot of it is

great so this is like a remake

of like no this

is shit this is shit

this is tonya show people just yeah

in the lives he

doesn’t perform live

he just performs in his fucking kitchen

i bought his

i mean i want

to support it so much i bought his record he is

super fat or

super thin he’s like

a gay guy from

sound to the lambs that’s what he looks like

he looks he’s

he looks there’s something i

mean i don’t know if he’s gay is it come with free open

source if he’s not gay he’s

willing to try it he just looks like talking into it

he looks like

a guy who’s seen some fucking hard parties

you know just it’s really strange

he does his um

his youtube

videos in like little tiny spandex

underwear and shit

and just that’s it

you know and

dances around and

he it just dresses like a

woman sometimes and it’s just really really strange i

watched a little bit of it it looks kind of like the

put the fucking lotion on the

basket yeah

it puts the lotion in

the basket yeah the silence

of the lamb yeah

looks like that guy yeah

he’s yeah he

i bet he uses a flashlight

um yeah we have to say that at the beginning of

every show flashlights are

sponsor of the podcast are

you sure you

still not fucked

one have you i will i don’t want to i wouldn’t

have one for you i have an addictive personality i do

too i don’t i don’t want to get into that i do too

um i think all comedians are impulsive

and have addictive personalities don’t you think

a lot of them do most of us yeah it’s not it’s not

weird to see some with the cocabit or

no any sort of weird

yeah there’s always

a compulsion

yeah compulsions


it’s weird how


manifest themselves how like all the

sudden like you you become obsessed with this one thing

you know it could be a game

you know it could be beating off it

could be how much i hate brian wow

really i’m right here you dick

i’m sorry it’s you on a different camera what’s the

weirdest compulsion

you’ve ever had

me yeah um i mean

beating it i guess what that’s not weird when you think

about it it’s like why do i have to keep

touching myself like a fucking it’s

weird when you’re not even

horny no it’s just like it’s time to do this now yeah

and we do this

again yeah and then

when you come it feels like nothing it’s just like okay

now i can move back to whatever

i wasn’t doing before

the only thing you get is a

sense of satisfaction i look i got hard

again look at that

three times in a row but people

party is like what the fuck is

wrong with you

man i once made a deal with myself in college to see

if i could write this

paper i wanted to stay up and

write it so i said for

every like two

hours that i

write i can jerk off

wow that’ll be my reward

and by like the

seventh time i was jerking it

it was just like

it was just

hit hurt and it was just nothing was coming out

it wasn’t even hard damn you went

seven in a day yeah

i don’t think i’ve gone more than

three in a day maybe four

seven does not

seem it’s not necessary at all but i kept i kept

thinking like it’s

going to be good at the end of those two

hours yeah but

what was coming out like barely nothing

right nothing

you’re like that dog

where he still

thinks he’s

peeing but he’s not peeing he just makes the motion

still that’s what you’re doing

yeah that’s such

a weird way to just try to like appease

a sexual obsession

just masturbating all the time

yeah i’ve hit that wall

where you’re like okay i need to

chill out a little

what am i doing

getting out of

getting out of hand well you

got like your

special bookmarks you go to your special bookmarks

i’ll definitely get a jerk off

right here to this yeah i

do you know there’s certain clips so you can

you hope whatever

porn thing is

still for free on your iphone

you think whatever’s there

you can have like certain ones like

paris this girl paris

paris sharing yeah and she gives this guy like

a lap dance this guy in a

brown paper bag

really because he

doesn’t want his

girlfriend to see

well it’s because i’m

laugh dance

then it turns it a blowjob and then turns into sex

nice she liked that one huh yeah it was good

really good

it was like mostly her the guy didn’t do anything

like a dummy

that’s what you like

right yeah that’s your move i want just a

small amount

as possible guy

yeah you don’t

want the guy

just fucking

the shit out

of her you want

her doing all

the work yeah i’d even be

willing to pan away from the insertion area for a while

just so keep it implied for like 15 20 seconds

watch her bounce up and down

yeah there’s something

about watching

a guy just fuck the shit out of a girl that’s not very

attractive yeah

it’s like you know like that’s not even you can’t

that girl’s gone she’s she the

one i don’t know is

behind the guy

behind his like

other shot yeah behind his ass his ass

on his balls and

her not no need that shot i don’t

yeah but they

spend way too much time on it

that’s what happens when you

you direct porn

you just get desensitized to what regular people

think is hot

it’s not some dude

sweaty asshole

bouncing over your face

tiny head in the

background seeing you know her

pussy and there’s no

perspective it’s hard to tell like how long his dick is

just ramming it

all right a lot of balls coming out in 3d

if you got the room

i get the meat

hey don’t uh you

you know facetime on the iphone

yeah don’t ever facetime with ari

shafir because it always

starts off like this like oh a facetime call

video call first of all she

fear oh if you

gonna say anything

about my dick

he’s lying that

is not a thing i

would ever do yeah

right you have pulled

your dick out on numerous occasions but for comedic

effect so you’re saying you don’t do it

i do it of course he does

it’s hilarious

i can’t help it how many times do you

think your dick has been out at the comedy storm

uh it’s in the hundreds

it’s so much yeah i’ve seen it a bunch you ever worry

about closing that place down maybe

what are we getting in trouble for that no

that’s zero

no way zero worry

wow i think you what you doing is illegal

i’m pretty sure it is

we had a big like a salt that once coming

to the big dick contest

yeah it is like a salt

but at the comedy store it seems to make

sense it doesn’t seem like it’s a problem at all

doesn’t seem

like it’s yeah it just seems like yeah it’s fucking

crazy place

they had a big dick contest

this guy was like i bet i have the biggest dick

here and someone was like who else is

gonna do it we need someone else

and everyone

just turned to me was sitting there and i was like yeah

let’s do it

but they were like how we gonna tell

because we don’t have a

there’s no way to know but not hard or anything and

some girl some

points our girl was there

like no i’m

gonna blow you guys

jesus and then

judges my man

so there’s like

no neither this is on

stage oh yeah

people with

the audience yeah pj filming it with his iphone

oh my god yeah and

yeah so she

lost it for a while

tripoli’s doing play by play on the side mic

oh my god and you’re letting

this dude film it for his iphone no he’s just doing

it anyway like come on man put this away so he has

video footage yeah and then i was nowhere near

a boner at all

it was the funniest

thing i’ve ever seen she stops at one

point and looks

after she goes

baby look at me

so then i worked up with

twenty percent oh so her ego got involved i

guess yeah she want to get that dick hard she’s like

baby i can get your dick hard look at me yeah

look at me look at me but i was like this is such

ridiculous situation oh my god

like you’re gonna get

i was crying laugh

all into it yeah

oh yeah who cares you see a

socket baby you turn your left to see your friend

looking back you this far away what the fuck weird

yeah that’s you gotta be a

crazy person to whip your dick out let some

chick suck it in a room full of strangers

yeah and then the guy

um she blew the next guy for a little bit yeah he

wasn’t anywhere near one either

so ridiculous

was there anyone

like upset that what was

going on didn’t yeah probably a couple of waitresses

probably got country

wouldn’t you be

mad wouldn’t you be

upset if one of the dudes did get a hard on

just kind of

full fucking rager

how disturbing would that be

you know if he just got a rager and

started getting into it and just totally

ignored everybody else like oh yeah

oh fuck yeah oh fucking hot

bitch suck it up

and everybody be like get away get away

dude he would like

i’ll do us to the

point where we would run away from him

how are you in on this yeah how are you you’re

cool with this

this is cool you got a heart that’s a full

heart on right what the fuck

i fucking love

it bro she’s hot as fuck ain’t she yeah look at it

look what i get for her

yeah i i still a bit

about how the

the craziest

thing in porn is when

you see two dudes fuck a girl in the same hole haha

that’s like what who is looking for this

like you just doing it to show that you can do it

what do you do what do you got

producer sound

effects now word now

that’s fucking brilliant

that’s not much of a

sound effect

are those like little babies

from charlie bit me remember that old video

charlie bit me

sound effect board

those are real babies dude let’s not do this

it’s disturbing talking

about all the dick sucking makes me really hard

but the baby sound and

these are real babies bro these aren’t like fake babies

there’s someone’s kid out there

charlie it’s charlie

that’s who it is we know his name

it’s not even anonymous baby

it is charlie we know he’s from england yeah

they’re very polite over there

polite babies too

i love charlie it

makes them feel older yeah

interesting isn’t it yeah yeah but

babies in america be screaming their fucking heads off

right would be suing you don’t bite

me american babies would be suing them yeah

they would be yelling do you think

when that video really took

off the owners of that baby of charlie and his brother

do you think

they or the parents whatever they’re called the parents

walked around to the other

parents like we’re better than you probably

right yeah our kids are

clearly cute

why hasn’t that been on tosh

point o has it

i don’t know

should be right that’s a perfect one for him

all grown up

somebody knows daniel tosh we know when we see him

but i don’t know him enough to

i’m not gonna suggest anything to him

i think you

should do it

so somebody

tweet him myspace

great idea myspace

i’m in myspace

i’m about to

knock it down i just took over all my

old blogs yeah me too now

i’m about to just say

goodbye then somebody at the ice

house last weekend was like

yeah follow your updates on myspace i was like ha ha

oh you’re serious

it’s weird right yeah

it’s a it’s a

weird feeling like it’s a

trend like why

wouldn’t we use it it

still is a giant resource so

nobody’s there on it there’s

still people on it but for whatever reason it feels

tainted it’s like a

ghost town a lot more

people are not on it than are on it so it’s just a

bunch of empty dead soul of my city a club

once is a shoe

it’s not glittery

anymore what’s made it like that how’d that happen

the one was slightly more usable

spam spam spam

spam and it was just

going to people’s pages and have them

crash your page or just that was

crazy i mean it was just like a mess

so far something was

a coating or whatever was

yeah significantly

because they were allowed to get all these different

things from different sources you know

you could have a

video that was linked from one website and a

photo from other websites 40 things

are running as soon as you load up

yeah it’s like an old windows 95 program it was

crashing all the time tom

especially on safari

i don’t think you had to

say fuck tom yeah what the fuck he gave

you that he had nothing to do

about it we were all thinking it

isn’t an interesting thing though that that’s what the

that’s what these guys like google and facebook and

myspace that’s what they’re

doing now they come up with something that’s free

and they figure out

what a way to sell it and make billions it’s

annoying us

anyway facebook just a side

advertisements you get

those annoying

those annoy me but not enough to like not go

which is like

how can i i don’t

wanna constantly see

these ads for comedy

classes they

creep me out dude when they’re

about what i’m yeah they’re all

about what you’re doing yeah

yeah they have only ads for comedy

classes jujutsu and if i’m if i’m in another state

suddenly those

things come up yeah yeah

yeah it’s like how do you know

bitch what you know

where i am and what i’m into

yeah they’re giving you


catered on where your

where your location is

and what you’ve looked for and what you’ve talked

about in your emails

that’s so strange i mean

for my marketing

standpoint it’s like yeah

target me i guess i just wish it was better like i

could be like i’m

never ever gonna take a comedy class yeah stop that

what can they

get it from now i know they get it from google

searches interests

but what did they get it from emails yet

because i said that i don’t know if that’s

totally true

if you write an email

about certain subjects do

they you’re


meaning you’re

not connected to you at all you’re connected to a

random number that has nothing to do with you but

yeah your statistics are sold

that’s why you get free gmail

you know that’s why you can

sit like that

but like what i’m saying like say if

i made you an email

where i talked

about belt buckles

would i start getting little ads for belt buckles

yeah yeah yeah

on while you’re

checking your gmail not

in your inbox

but like on the side of your gmail

right right

but based on

the yeah yeah

it takes it from your words in your email

that’s why like if you

when you upload a

video to youtube nowadays they have a

voice translator that listens to the video

and then deciphers

the words in the video

and then sells it

based on those words so like i did a

video the other day

called something forensic files or something like that

and then when you watch the

video it’s like

become a forensic scientist

on my youtube like an ad pops up

and i’m like what

that’s crazy you know

from your emails man

so they’re taking

audio from youtube

clips now so now but then that means they’re

gonna start

using it to

catch people

that are doing

crimes right

oh yeah for sure

they would have

one of the one of the

groups that’ll

buy that information

will be you know one one is

the advertisers and another

be the government just like oh let’s make sure yeah

which is sort of like i’m okay with it but it’s like

it’s just we’re

gonna be more

annoying to have to like you can’t

email your friends

about drugs

yeah well eventually

you’re gonna

pass people by doing that well i mean eventually

because you’re not connected to that number that’s like

anonymous searching so they’re not gonna be

the fbi is not

gonna be able to use google

analystics or whatever to try to

track you down by any

they’re not are you sure i

mean they probably can’t do it

i don’t know what google’s policy is

on giving up information or how they work that

they’re pretty

good about not doing that there’s

some terrorist dude and they’re following him and

you know do they just give up the information

to the cia and let the cia just read all the

emails it makes

sense right yeah they

probably do it whatever they want right

doesn’t someone

bin laden have a twitter

uh no maybe you

should start his twitter

he’s probably got a fake

twitter you

should totally do that if he’s hush

you can find me haha

i like i like some of

those fake ones you guys follow

fake ones i’d like like

jesus christ or i

just a while

i take him off yeah

cobra commander is good

i’m following batman

right now yeah

he’s not bad

twitter is amazing it’s such a fun little

party dude it’s

crazy that my tv twitter’s now like the

things like that

are like twittering my samsung has like this

thing where

you have this one to pop up that just shows twitter and

stuff like that

that’s crazy

so you just

keep it on like when you’re in your living room or

something like that right wow

the fucking interface is closing in yeah

it’s closing in

it’s when is the first dude

gonna get a

crazy neural implant or something

tomorrow tomorrow

someone’s gonna have to dive in right yeah

so um did you hear

about this kid that sent an email to the white house

and now i can’t get into america fucking for life

seventeen year old kid he’s drunk

or something i

think he was drunk

sends an email to the white house

and he’s like fuck you

obama you’re a cunt

and he can’t get into america

yeah and how do you get the

white house is it just the white house i think you just

email the white house yeah they have just

email and that’s the first one they’ve gotten

nothing tons of american to do that but this one

they’re making a big deal out of cause why seventeen

and because they said that because of this he can

never enter the country again that’s why i mean why

why should we should find out what exactly

and see if we

can find it man find out what the kid said exactly

cause i don’t even

think it was like a really extreme thing

i think he called him a pussy

or a punk but that has

to happen like 50 times a day

well you would

think so but no

i think it’s

super illegal

let’s write one right now

and if you’re from another country

you know this guy’s from england

they can just decide that you let’s

run to a bomb

right now but all in your window

like i hope nothing

happens to you

things like that

right you you

still have my respect wink wink

is your cock as delicious as i

think it would be

would that be a terrible thing to say to him

no if you were

treating him like a real friend do you

think that the public could

imagine if we found that

obama was gay

and then he has kids and he loves his wife and

everything but really he’s gay and

you know just procreated with a woman

would people be able to hang with that no no right no

no most people not but i think it

would go a long way to making a lot more people um uh

sexually tolerant towards gays you know what

it is there’s so many straight people that are worried

about losing people to team gay

yeah that’s what it is

it’s like there’s

if there was also in a gay president

yeah the the straight people who are on team straight

would think they

would lose a lot of dudes who are on the fence

yeah they’ll just

fucking presidents get it

start sucking dick i don’t

want american yeah they know how

gullible people are it

might start a

giant trend you

think that’s what they think i

think that’s what they’re

worried about i

think that’s what they’re

worried about

i think if you expose the fact that

obama was gay

there’s like a

whole conspiracy this i have not read into it

it seems pretty ridiculous

well there’s that conspiracy but there’s the gay

lover conspiracy

this one obama

is a gay lover

yes there’s a guy

yes there’s a guy who has

youtube clips go look it up

larry something

obama’s gay

lover let’s

listen to this guy talk

i’m not joking you

think i’m joking

this guy has like a

bunch of youtube clips and he did

like a public

press conference

the way we talked

about how obama

and him had oral sex and

oh he said he’s the one who did it yeah yeah

the the best

thing is that people will read a headline

and then say oh no i heard

obama has a gay lover

they don’t know that this is a

story about just some cook and no one

respect it at all

and this is the headline gets out the same way these

birth are people going got

going well it’s so there’s no

proof of this is all there’s no question people

they argue like it’s a game

it’s just like they’re playing

catch you know

or you know they’re trying to

throw the ball harder

i mean that’s how they did

how about that guy

at the show

hold that for a

second hold that for a

second brian

there was a guy at the show that was

he was yelling

i was talking about stephen hawkings like someone was

asking about stephen hawkings

and he goes

did you hear did you hear

stephen hawking said that there

could not be a universe without god

he like yelled it out like to tell me you know you’re

which is exactly

not what stephen hawking said

what he said was

that there is it’s possible for the universe to

exist without god just based on the law of physics

doesn’t mean there is a god or isn’t

the opposite of where this guy seems exactly

but this guy was yelling it he was

standing up and also so what a fucking stephen

hawking decided that yeah

it’s just going on

a theory it’s an idea i mean he doesn’t know i mean

it’s we’re talking about

giant fucking questions here

but so anyway this guy is the guy who says that he’s

obama’s gay lover

and he did a press conference and

it’s it’s kind of interesting man

i mean it’s interesting that if the guys

lying that they can’t just lock him up because that

sounds like he’s a fucking

kook and he’s a danger to society remember his name

larry something or another

i think it’s

larry hackman

pretty sure if you have to

larry hackman you’ll see it’s a

southern guy

from dallas what percentage do you think of like

those old school

movie stars were gay

oh cause i think considerably

higher percentage because here’s why

one they had that effective voice

mr sinclair

can you explain why if this incident happened

1999 you waited

until 2007 or

2008 to come forward

it’s a question of credibility sir

why didn’t you come forward back in 1999 or 2000

i’m on number one

in 1999 i really didn’t care whether he was a senator

from illinois

or not to be

honest with you i wasn’t a resident of illinois

as far as whites ever

gayest voice ever

i was living in mexico up until 2006

it really was of no interest to me

i know plenty

of politicians both locally and internationally that

you know who he was

speaking before

um i don’t know but it looks like fucking

some congress type wall shit i know

where is he talking

brian it’s the

house of faggotry

i never thought proof how this

place is a real

place financial support for your efforts from anyone

and if so does

any of those people have

connections to the republican party

i’m glad you

asked that question

number one i am not connected with any

party republican independent


democratic nun

nor or anybody

that are contributing

to the cost and the expense of this

every penny

that has gone to pay for this

press conference

my travel expenses

have come from average american

citizens most of them actually

according to their own

statements are

declared independence

in the psalms of

from 12 dollars and 31

cents to 100 dollars each

he’s so loony

but that he’s gay is not up for debate

that part of his

story i believe

what is very tossed

on media and what role do they have in this

renting this

venue in the camera crew and back

the media company you just requested what is it

it’s exactly what i just answered this gentleman

it represents

every individual person it’s not a company

in all honesty

it was established as an

email address when i arrived here for the

democratic national committees by laws

and by laws

okay i did i did

okay it’s not a company it

is fruit cakes knowing the shit out of me

so what’s what

get to the part where he says he had sex with barack

obama please

yeah he’s very verbose

he goes into detail about their sexual encounters

what kind of

graphic detail yeah

not too graphic not like what you’re looking for

that that’s you know

i want specific instructions about lube

and i was like cradle my balls i was like oh shit bitch

felt him quiver

why would he be

introduced by his true name to you and you

would know that he was a politician

over the years how did you realize that it was him

i mean because if

he’s going to engage in sex and drug

taken and he’s

a renowned politician in chicago it’s certainly

a little bit strange that

they give you his real name through a

limo driver i mean that

story doesn’t make a lot of

sense to me and how

would you remember for 10 years

years when you

leave the way and and then record nice

thing that’s

ten times more awesome because that dude’s accent

okay first of all yes he was

introduced to me by name

okay he was

introduced to me as barack obama

and as far as me not knowing

that he was politician locally i wasn’t a resident

i was not a resident of illinois

when i became

aware of exactly who he was

was when he gave the keynote

speech at the

democratic national convention

in 2004 while i was living in mexico

watching it on sky tv

bam suck on that mexican oh

no i did not say that i told you he was in

fact introduced to me by name

i have always stated that he was

introduced to me as barack obama

why do they get into all this

nitpicking detail

stuff because they want to just

catch the stories immediately

they wanna make sure that

like hold on

we got a lot of questions see how much he’s lying

about yeah and if he wants to like

answer all the questions

you know alright so listening to that if you had a

guess if you had a bet if you went to

vegas and they have the odds up yeah

would you bet

would you bet that guy’s telling the

truth or obama

you have to give me odds

absolutely not

depending on the odds

totally fake it was like two to one

two to one no no

you give me

two to one i

would not take the italian truth

if you gave me like

five five thousand to one

oh really that

would be enough to get me to bet

like a solid hundred dollars

he might have government gate

our bonkers

on a bombing

there’s some

crazy bets like that we just gotta go

you know what

maybe fucking you

never know he

doesn’t seem

gay at all he

wouldn’t be like one of

the guys i’d be like no way so it’s like all right

he’s got government gaydar blockers

it’s it’s enough to take a five thousand to one shot

i have a friend

and her um dad’s friend was in the cia

and they they were

friends with

secret service dudes and

they talk about

like presidents and what presidents were into and

presidents cheated on

their wives

and probably all of them

right yes that’s they say they

say all of them and they all did it very discreetly

discreetly yeah

carter didn’t

carter was like really

faithful and into it

who knows who

these guys are you know what

there had to be a

super christian who just did it

this is i mean this is all just bullshit

yeah just someone

talking who the fuck knows if he’s telling the truth

he said but

the one thing

that they all talked

about all the

secret service guys was

about how clinton

would just whip out his dick

really like

he was just so crazy

you couldn’t

leave him alone with a

chick because he

would just try to fuck him

in like bathrooms and shit he

would try to

get him to suck his dick in bathrooms really

yeah yeah he was a lokester

of course he’s just a man

yeah of course once he

gets like four

or five girls to do that he’d be like oh my i

could just do this i

think he’s a wild man he’s a rock star

he was like a woods yeah he was like a rock star

he just that’s what it is he just get there with

he was the president it was just too much

he thought they were willing to keep

their mouth shut but

women like men with

power right that’s like a

thing people know

he has the most power

he was the strangest president of all time

to be in a president getting caught getting a blowjob

while you’re the president

wow and then the fact that

they made such a big

deal out of it

chased it down and

impeachment hearings that was weird

was like why are we oh

he lied about it

why who wouldn’t lie

about in the fact

that i really

loved him as a president

it’s so weird that we

would go so

deep into his personal life like that i loved it

i think he was

great i think was one of the best presents we had in a

while well he was

he he was an egomaniac

they’re all

ego maniacs

but he was a very bright man that’s for sure he was a

great speaker

it’s just so hard to tell when you talk

about who’s a good president who’s a bad president

it’s so hard to tell what that even means i i

i don’t know how much they have to do with what happens

i think if nine one one happened on his clock

you know what

would happen to him as you know

stuff like that then you

open up a whole big fat can of alex

jones right there

right there

ladies and gentlemen

the reason why this is all happened this is all

pre planned out by the government this is

they’ve been doing this

since hitler burned the

right stag since

since nero burned rome

i want to auto tune alex jones you should

occam nobody has

oh i’m sure they have

you just realized like oh they definitely

have they definitely have they’ve auto tuned everything

it’s a pretty fascinating little piece of equipment

we just accept it

but it makes like shit that’s not even a song a song

really does you know

i mean you can really make someone

sound like they’re singing a fucking song

it was like ten or

twelve years ago no what did he have was like a hit

really yeah they put some of his stand up

to to so his boss lureman i think

oh and they put it to music yeah he plays the

music yeah that’s right how long was that

maybe more now maybe like

maybe like 12 12 years ago 12 12 to 15 years ago jesus

15 years ago

every now and then you get like one of those

those things remember before youtube

they had that one

song that was really just like a motivational

speech to like her

class yeah that that was buzz lureman

yeah and then this was

the same guy

yeah that was he had a song on the

romeo and juliet soundtrack

the same guy really yeah

yeah i remember that like live in

northern california but

leave before it makes it too soft

yeah yeah yeah yeah that kind of short

live in new york but

leave before it makes it too hard yeah yeah

it was kind of weird

every time i came on i remember listening to it and

think it was super deep

if i was like seventeen then i was like fucking

what are you doing brian

alex james autotune but i don’t think it’s really it

oh no yeah um that that

that was a cool fucking song i love when they do that

every now and then someone comes along with a good like

motivational song

you know you don’t

get them very often anymore no

fuck your motivation yeah

dad that’s not really in there right now

the motivational song rocking it that way anymore

you gotta get your motivation online son

do you guys see piranha 3d

fuck yes did we already talk about that i think we did

we had to have

i heard all

about it heard all about it what do you guys think

about that other 3d one that just opened up

shit what is it

just open friday

with resident evil

three oh that looks like it’d be fun that looks like it

might be an okay

three d one but honestly i’m so fucked by these asshole

movie people

that i don’t trust the three d anymore

that mila georgia

which is hot as

i guess that resident evil 3

that resident evil 3

i guess that movie was like the

second movie ever that was made

like are they really saying that like for real

yeah maybe i’ll go see it

and they said that it

would take like this camera could only film for like 20

seconds at a

time or something like that and they had to do like

whole scenes like

really big chunks

crazy 3d yeah like the avatar

i haven’t heard anything

about previews look pretty dope

cause now whenever i see one it’s

gonna be it’s like fuck

it’s every time i go it’s like alright

it’s almost like not

worth it to have the

glasses on your face the whole time

right yeah there was one

point in time when i was

watching piranha

where i took the

glasses off just out of instinct

and like these are annoying

yeah i just and then i said that it’s not as good shit

and i put them back on

i thought i could just

watch it blurry and be fine

no it’s too blurry it’s too blurry i want to like take

glass up i go to normal

that would suck yeah

yeah piranha

three d was fun for that though the graphics

that they’re they’re getting pretty good at the three d

effects like what they can do

jack jack has three d

might be pretty good you think

yeah i mean

they might they

might use it

make me too uncomfortable

i love them so

much dudes are always hurting themselves

god it’s the

greatest thing ever

i wonder how many concussions

those dudes have gotten

probably a few

seriously man

like the one

where johnny knoxville let that fucking bowl

slam them uh huh

he’s crazy there’s more bowls than this one

he stood in

front of a bowl with a

blindfold on that dude’s out of his mind

dude i’m so close to

death that so many times like you

would have died

right there

that easily

could have been a rap

bull he stood in

front of a bull

i remember right

after he became like a

movie star like he just done some

first movie or something

and people were like oh it was johnny knox it was

like a star so he did the second one

and they shot them with

either paint guns just straight to

their chest

or just those

stun guns then

it just goes boom and explodes on them they

should like a

bunch of marbles or something something crazy

right and i was like oh fuck is he got

knocked over and he goes

how’s the face face okay all

right we’re good

that’s it it

just bruises

everywhere in his body

i almost barf during that

second movie

i was laughing so hard i almost

threw up the one with the asshole

shut something up the ass what was it that was the

first one enema

was it the first it was the

yeah was it

the mattel like what’s it called cars little

mini toy car

so hard to walk in

a condom up his asshole

and he had to go and go i’m sore

doc can you take an x ray

it’s so hard to watch

one person getting

jacked for everybody else’s amusement

but it’s a very specific type of


you know and then i’ll have

these great

drawn out like

plotty stuff like

these weird

things that

really elaborate

other times i’ll be sitting around

talking and just see somebody come from behind just

punch somebody in the head

like that’s it and then everybody

laughs so dumb

or shave his hair

you guys didn’t see the mtv

music awards last

night right no

oh shit they have some jackass

stuff on there

so you know the

taylor taylor

swift thing

the taylor swift girl when

yeah she’s the girl that was on

stage receiving the award

kanye west got on

stage took the

microphone away from her

and actually interrupted her

so i got to say something

yeah it was beyonce deserves this

shit the worst

version of ego

like i think i’ve ever seen at one of

those things that his opinion

would be so important

right then in

front of all

those people

that he would interrupt this

girl winning the most important award of her career

to say that someone else had a

great video too and it’s like

it has a great video

what are you

fighting for

right now like that’s your world

one of the best of all time

the best of

all time and meanwhile i know all the art facts will

fucking disagree with me but i didn’t even

think it was that great

the beyonce video yeah

it was a bunch of

cuts if it was one shot i

could see it

but it wasn’t so it’s a

bunch of cuts

and her thighs look big

so like whatever

she was on last

night and it

starts off showing

that clip of what happened with her and

kanye who was on

taylor swift

on the video

music awards

and it’s like doing like

static and it’s showing parts of it and then it has her

in it like a guitar

singing this

whole sad song

about the whole

thing and it’s just like no

she wrote a song

about it yes and you

it’s like a horrible

fucking song

oh you play that song here we go

play that song please

oh my goodness

they’re guarded and private

so it’s rare

when one lets us inside

their inner world

taylor swift is

different oh my god

there’s this

thing that people

do when they’re bullshitting like this

where it sounds like that

early this year

for upcoming stop

pause it for a

second there’s a there’s a like a language

that people use when they’re totally bullshitting

that sounds like this

she was raised in a small town

you know there’s like this singing song

you know they’re just gonna

this is not accurate

what i’m saying

right now is just show business

this it’s just

i’m reading

this off a cue card and trying to remote as best as

i know how exactly i’m just trying to get everybody

excited and you know

those cheers are coming the woos are coming

she is two thousand

tens number one

hottie of the year

and we all think

look at those freckles

what is it about that way of talking what is it

about that that

weird sing songy way of talking

you know it’s like we have a

bunch of different ways that will accept people talking

one of them is like political speech

you know when someone gets on

stage and starts talking

about al qaeda

you know we will

find the enemy

we will root them out we will take them out

you know there’s

like this sort of a political way of talking

where they pause for claps

dj a strip club

what yeah there’s another

when you’re doing that it’s like

why do they have to settle into one certain

way of speaking off and

yeah same way too there’s like a

bunch of different

family behavior

was that your family talking at dinner

oh that was a

you know it’s like

sports guys

here we are bottom of the

ninth you know they have a certain

you know it’s like there’s a bunch of different ones

strip club ditch

djs is a really good one eat on

stage that one is

national man that goes everywhere it goes

same everywhere

yeah southern northern

michigan florida

same shit reporters too like on news or yes

like radio news and

stuff like that yeah

and comics a lot of

comics you know

especially in the

early days there’s a lot of comics

but 80’s comics

sounded like a certain way charlie chaplin

no not that

early there was some guys in the 80s that just got good

at doing the comedy

voice and really

never were good at comedy

but they somehow

never made a living as a comedian saying obvious

shit with the comedy voice

just really good at that comedy

voice i suppose

i’m supposed to be the one to figure this out

what is this

what is this a puzzle here

i’m supposed to i talk

about paul riser talking

about there’s a

bunch of dudes like that

writes itself yeah

yeah there was a

bunch of dudes like that

they were always the

strong advocates of the

clean only comedy as well

clean only you know what now

just right now i sort

of get it it’s like they want to get ahead

let’s just try to pretend to

limit it to

just only us is acceptable

that we will root out

at least half

of the fucking competition

and all the good ones yeah or all the people that are

gonna come over and try to be

clean they’re not

gonna be really honest so it’s like

they’re not to be

worried about

so many comics or haters that’s a

great move yeah

so many comics are haters i

guess that’s a lot of what the

clean comedy

thing is when i telling guys to not be dirty

what people don’t need

what people need to realize

especially comics need to remember if you’re

like 35 or something

like that you’re talking to some 21 year old open micer

telling him he’s talking

about sex too much and

swearing too much

guess what that’s what that guy’s thinking

about that’s all he’s thinking

about always

think what he’s

thinking about

pussy and when the next

ufc is and playing call of duty when he gets off work

he’s fucking 21

you know what

nobody ever told me when i was trying to do

clean for like a while

so i could do this one

clean show every couple weeks

there was like

someone should pull me aside like ari

you don’t you talk

about politics too much just stop it’s annoying

like nobody cares you were

talking about politics whatever it was i was talking

about cleaning

stuff too much whatever was in the news and was like

someone should have pulled me aside there and said stop

well that’s you know you just trying to

learn your voice

you know you

never know what i you know i

tried that but that’s not saying but

if you’re being dirty

learn it that way

yeah you know and ari’s

voice is dicks and assholes

but you had to

find out that that was your

voice on stage

you know you had to perform a lot

and figure out

what’s the most fun for you what makes you comfortable

and it’s not

limited either

you know that’s the thing

about comedy it’s like you

could talk about

clean shit on

stage too but

when you do

limit yourself you don’t ever

limit yourself like well i’ll

never do another

clean joke again

nobody ever does that

but you do say you know i’m done with this

dirty material it’s time to

clean up my act and make it family friendly puppies and

happy nothing

wrong with puppies and

happy man but you can’t

limit your fucking thoughts that’s

annoying it’s

annoying you fuck it up for everybody

when you hear the rest of this oh yeah let’s go

speak now performing it for the

first time ever

taylor swift oh christ

i love our high tech equipment oh no she’s playing

i always dreamed about what it would be like to

maybe win one of these someday but i

never actually thought that would have happened

he looks like

godzilla little me godzilla coming up to her

sasquatch footage

that’s like the

thing from poggy creek

oh my god she wrote a song

about it and then showed the video first dude

touch your dick while the songs aren’t

um no i think it’s illegal how old is she

by the way i’m just gonna go on the records

now i already like this she’s like 16


i can hear all the words she’s pretty

fuck it i like this i don’t care what you guys say

i like it so far yeah listen to the lyrics

wait hold on for a second no no let it play let it play

i can’t understand

i can’t understand her i can hear her

i have no idea what this bitch is talking

about what i’m saying

you can’t understand any of this

it’s not an

understanding one out of five words and

it’s all metaphor and poetry

yeah well no i understand all the words but it

doesn’t mean anything she’s saying

peanut butter sandwiches on the moon

space bananas

going through your bloodstream

she’s just speaking shit up she’s on her period joe

leave her alone i want to see the

lyrics i want to see what the lyrics are

they’ll hurt your

brain they will hurt your

brain son i don’t mind this

she’s just a kid and she was fucking rocked by that

thing whatever

i like her voice though it’s beautiful

and then kanye did one also

about like oh no he didn’t yeah

and it’s even worse get the fuck out of here

how could it be worse

he’s tried to be all fancy like using this

machine and it just wasn’t a good song oh my god

so that’s how they’re dealing with this

issue by the year later they’re making both of them

go is a year later they probably

planned it from the beginning was it here yeah yeah

last year by the way let me just tell you this

that’s not a coincidence that

those both did songs like that

right the vmas reached out and told them

why don’t you guys both do a song about this

oh obviously we

all contrived

but was it made a year

before it even happened or a year after

so strange that this is what we fixate on

but it is fascinating and here i am watching it

she’s sad right there oh she’s so pretty

this song sucks though

i know it does suck so all our songs suck

she plays teeny bopper

music no they don’t all suck she plays

music for 15 year olds this is a boring ass song

i’ve heard her

stuff it’s just boring it’s shitty top 40

music it’s fine but

it’s for kids if more than

10 people know

about the band ari doesn’t like it

all her stuff

sucks i mean just calm down in a couple notches

man it’s okay

all right i won’t

get it she’s

just a little kid she’s just a little girl ari

that’s what i’m saying

do you like

chick songs

yeah i love

chick songs i do i love

chick i love

sarah mclaughlin

love cheryl crow

like really good

chick singers

yeah you know

they achieve like harmonies and a show called that

first album

the cheryl crow

album first one

first ones good

second ones better

second one’s really good

and the second one i had to

share this fuck

dream recently

where i really thought i was having sex

with her and i

went back into the

dream and continued to have sex

with her with her

now or with her then it seemed like

cover of her album

that’s what she looked like

even then did she have she was like

like almost forty

it was like i don’t even know she

yeah she was fairly old when she

first she had

boobs real she had boobs

she gets skinnier

and lose her boobs

didn’t she get like

boob cancer

or something like that whoa

did she did she i don’t know you just making that up i

might be you better make yeah i

think she was

dating a guy

testicular cancer

yeah is it brian just connects cancer together

oh she’s fucking sick to probably

but with the guy she

was dating by the way i’ve been reading this article

shouldn’t forget what

magazine it is but it’s

an article on

lance armstrong

maybe it’s gq one of

those about

whether or not they’re

gonna bust him

like they’re going

after him oh yeah

she has spread she had breast cancer

she did yeah she also opened a breast cancer center

and if you just google cheryl crow

booby titty

is that what you did

it goes right to

wrong with you boy

did your google

image that or did your google

video i wanted to see

video of her boots

they’re going

after him man

they’re going

the same guys that went after

barry bonds

they’re going after him

barry bonds lie in

front of congress yeah

diddy or did

mark mcgwire

lie in front of congress did

barry bonds lie in

front of congress too

no mark mcgwire

just said i’ll take the

faith or i’ll tell you what i did

didn’t mark maguire

he didn’t lie

roger clemens went in front of

roger clemens

thank you no

mark maguire

he’s in trouble because

they said when you have immunity come and tell us

right now so he goes yes i use all

these steroids

fuck and well now i’ll

never be in the hall of fame i

think that’s what happened there

maybe it was

maybe it was

jason giombi who did that

when jose canseco came out with that requires i

think i think he said i take the

fifth yeah and it was all true

can say go yeah

but the crazy

thing is that

can say go rat

and everybody out everybody’s like what you do you know

that the system that was in

place is the reason

why you got so good the reason why you got so rich and

famous and successful and

why do you have to

is it really that important to tell everybody

jock talk people can’t handle the

truth can’t

take a jock

talk jock talk

well this isn’t really jock talk

brian this is talking

about steroids and i’m just

it’s talking

about i want to

i wonder how many

you know what is the percentage of

elite athletes that are on performance

enhancing substances like that

i think all on some

stuff it’s i

think so because any something

i know they’re on

thousands of

things if it’s not vitamins and fucking supplements

supplements they just go a little further

other than people probably get really into that shit

it’s a funny

thing that people are so

upset about it

you know like they’re like

lance armstrong

dude all right


the lance armstrong

thing for for whatever reason is like

extra disturbing to people

because he seems like this humble hard working guy

and you know this

this you know

rugged dude just goes out there as an american

beats the fucking

world cyclists at

their own game wins over and over and over

again he’s like the icon of american

dominance in you know in that kind of racing

yeah to find out that guys

on some shit

but apparently they’re all on some shit if

you talk to anybody that knows anybody that’s a cycler

it’s like my

other theories

about gay and

about and about like anorexic like if they

super look like

they are if everyone’s can be accused them constantly

it’s like then they are

you know yeah i

think they all have to i

think in order to be able to do that fucking tour de

france type shit

he said i’ve

never i’ve never

i’ve been tested many times i

never come up anything weird

yeah he’s never

i’ve always said i’ve

never taken this

i wonder if there’s a way to beat

every test you know

i mean who the fuck knows

it could very well be there’s a

bunch of haters and this dude who’s

ratting them out just

sucks for him that

lance armstrong is a genetic freak

you know and he’s the only one

who had natural

why do you know who the racer is yeah

he he bicycles

got the banks

oh son yeah it’s

on because he

bicycle like it’s not even a

sport that even

here i know

worship it up

this guy i know is like worships him

lance armstrong

brilliant yeah

he’s like has the bracelet on and he’s just the biggest

lance like i’m like really wow he’s

a he bike guy right

well you know it’s a very difficult

thing i get

into it it’s like

you overcame cancer

in one but it’s like what am i even looking at why

would you hear what chelsea

said what chelsea

and did this interview and he said look

lance armstrong

cheated lance armstrong got cancer

because lance armstrong took her

said all this crazy shit

and then when they called him on it

he said i did not say that i’ve

never spoken

of lance armstrong

so then jim rome

plays him back to fucking tape

and chill says well i don’t know

maybe it was my

connection that

doesn’t sound like me at all that guy

sounded hispanic

i love that guy

yes i’m great

dude he’s the funniest fucking guy in

sports by far

the ufc wanted him to win so badly oh

well they’re giving him another shot man they’re

gonna do it again

i’m doing a he’s doing a q and a in austin

he’s gonna do many of the q’s on his own i bet

fuck yeah he’s gonna do a dozen q amp a’s

he’s the master they can’t fuck with them

he’s like a politician i would love to see the moment

where he’s like in his chair answering questions

just answers one is like what do you

think of so and so he goes

i think he’s gonna grab the mic and stand up

he’s gonna do that move and start pointing at people

like wish i can see that yeah yeah

he’s a he’s a bad motherfucker

he is a bad motherfucker that chill son

the interesting dude

it’s a great character you know

republican comedian

fighter badass

interesting dude

so close to winning

yeah you got you got right into that fucking

fifth round and get caught a triangle

woo what drama man

and anderson

must have been

playing possum waiting for the moment i don’t know

about that no i mean

when he was on the ground the last

round it looked like i mean

i mean he obviously i mean i’m not saying

that he was waiting for that moment he knew it was

gonna happen i mean

chair was beating

the shit out of him taking him down at will yeah

it was a tough

fight for him but in that

final round

man he just picked his spot perfect it did he knew

right when to slap it on and at a

speed that sun and didn’t you know like you get

used to when both guys are

tired you get used to moving at a certain pace

and then he just

waited for his opening

was only moving at a certain pace almost like he’s

given up and

slaps it on

and there’s no waiting is immediately

wailing on his head i

guess he couldn’t

even know how

much time was left but yeah he slapped that fucking

thing on tight

to he got the arm involved as well

triangle with the arm

it’s brian’s favorite i love it

i love it i love it how did you know that joe

would you read my

dream diary

going to austin

texas tomorrow

fella i’m not

going you’re not

going if it’s

true should

schedule the end

are you ours not

going either

who you talking to you i was gonna say

what i was i was gonna say

that that’s where you

wanna live oh yeah yeah yeah totally

i’d totally want to live in austin man

just imagine living near alex

jones and like

going to a hummingbird farm you

wanna be good on that address

that’s like a stray cat bro he has a

no he has a

stamp collection i

guess that it’s just magnificent

stamp collections

he has like a room devoted to

stamps and really he like holds up like magnifying

glasses and he has like all these like

like there’s like

stamps that are more rare than

other because

like there’s like a little sea on it or something he’s

crazy but i like that guy

i i enjoy hanging out with him

and he’s crazy but he’s a fun crazy nice

he’s always been nice to me

and you know what he’s right

about a lot of shit i don’t know if he’s

right about

everything have you ever

asked him to

write you into a conspiracy

he doesn’t write them well

they’re out there man they’re in the ether

he just picks up on them

he’s never he’s

never orchestrated he’s like a

hound dog for the truth yeah

he he’s just

constantly online constantly doing research

looking into these

new world order scum

they want to come here and take away your

rights take away your guns take away

jesus it’s like

he’s constantly doing book reports

all day long

he’s problem solving but he’s a good guy

like when you’re

hanging around with him he’s a good guy

he’s very entertaining to me

and he’s got balls man he

doesn’t give a fuck he’ll get arrested eat meat

drink booze

yeah if he had a talking dog and a

flashlight that

would be awesome

and i’m not saying that i ever got high with him

what’d i say forget

it you did say that

why would you

i like hanging out with him he’s a good dude

i like alex jones

people think he’s

crazy but i

think the world needs some

crazy people it makes

things more interesting

is it a lot of fear mongering

yeah i was sure maybe

maybe we don’t have enough fear mongering

maybe we are

maybe we’re too complacent

maybe we’re

not paying attention enough and guys like him are

important whether they’re over the top or not and he

might very well be but

but maybe not but maybe not

look at the fucking

worst case examples of the

world all the

nutty shit that people have done out there

you know it’s very possible that he’s

right about way more than we want to admit

he is the coolest guy in the whole

world though that’s the truth

coolest guy in the

whole world yeah really

better than ari

i thought you were

i thought you were coolest guy in the

whole world

that’s like a list of 10 people you can do

what is that japanese writing on your

shirt do you know what it means oh yeah this is mc

chris shirt and what’s so funny is that this

asian girl came up to me and was just like oh let me

read oh that’s hilarious i’m like what’s it mean is

this fuck you fuck face does it

yeah it says fuck you fuck face

wow so you’re walking around all day with this

making asian women cry

crazy eyeballed kid what is with

his eyeball that’s mc chris

anime has got the right but why

is he supposed to be

is that what it is

light reflections in his eyeballs or is he

he’s fucked up

he’s high yeah that’s what i thought he

reaches weed off me all the time

oh he mooches

what what did you

say i’m just kidding

do you ever get high with mc chris no

who’s the most famous

person of course i get high with mc

chris you know what i really regret

the one guy i didn’t get high with that i really regret

what coolio

cool i fucked up man

when coolio was on fear factor coolio one factor

yeah he was he

was high all and you didn’t day so why don’t you do it

they were smoking the stinky

skunky weed and i was already high when i got there

i didn’t want to get too high to do the show

so i i i did

go and i didn’t ask and i didn’t want to be

that guy either i mean he’s there with his buddies and

everything i didn’t i don’t know him that well yeah

i didn’t want to be that guy like hey i’m the host of

shows i’m gonna hang out in your

dress room you and your friends we’re gonna

smoke weed together we’re cool right

you know i mean he’s been a

famous guy for

a long time i didn’t want to impose on him

yeah but he was

super duper barbecued

every fucking day he was on the set he

would just it

would just become it was

got to be like a joke on the show really because you

would open up his

trailer door

like we’d send pas in there to go get him it’s the real

part is a cheech and chong

movie just clouds of

smoke coming out of there

and then when we

had him on the show dude he was so high he was talking

about how he’s done this and

other lives

you know what yeah

he goes i’ve done this i’ve

lived many lives i’ve done this really yeah and

other universes and yeah you

should have

puffed on with them

should have just

like all hit one

watch with you man

damn it i didn’t get high with coolio shit

i got high with

everlast i’ve gotten high with everlast a

bunch times

everlast from the

house of pain

but i got high with everlast once in a club in vegas

everlast is a gangster he

doesn’t give a fuck

he pulls out this joy he goes you want some of this

homie like dude

like fuck yeah

let’s go out he goes go out shit

he just like

to live in vegas

no i don’t believe so i believe he lives in la

so long times i’ve met him

he didn’t give a

fuck you and

people saw him smoking weed and they didn’t say shit

they just let it go

they didn’t say shit they’re like

yeah i gotta let her go

it’s everlast

do you ever get

stoned with

for hartman

no no i didn’t you getting high back then

damn no no i

never got high back then that was

that was the back yes he did that was back

then the day and i felt bad that he was getting high

so silly i was

this is in the

you know i eat

wheat grass

juice every day and exercise and i barely drink days

i used to think

until i was like in my thirties to like i

think i was

thirty or thirty one i used to

think that pot made you

stupid so that this is back in the pot made you

stupid days

right but hartman

was having a lot of problems with his wife and they

would fight a lot

and the one

thing that he

said always made it better is if he went and got high

he said if i

got high he goes then i can be more patient with her

i can talk to and i was

thinking this poor guy has to be drugged up

right in order to have a good time like how soon you

could have been getting started

fucking like on hand gliding

could have been

could be getting high with them combing each

other’s hair

so weird how anything you don’t

watch time so

you never really

been through something you just look at people like

such a shame well you know i

i knew a lot of kids when i was growing

up that were doing drugs and they all turned out to be

losers and i was

absolutely terrified of being a loser

and my entire high

school career from the time i was 15 on

i was fighting competitively in mars

large tournaments

that’s all i did

and i knew that

partying and doing

drugs and anything that i fucked up my body with it was

going to be really bad on my performance and i was

going to get hurt

i was gonna get

knocked out so i always associated

any sort of drugs anything like

pod anything that makes you lazy

that’s just

gonna you’re just

gonna get your ass kicked to be fucked with that

stuff that’s how i put it

in my head i put it in my head that it was for losers

lazy and just left it there

just left it there

even though you know phil hartman is a

multi millionaire i’m like poor guy’s gotta

smoke pot yeah

because your prequencies ideas are set

yeah but if you came to afresh

and somebody said hey and you just came to the

world where you hadn’t seen

but you’d saw

these really cool people doing it you’re like

no i’m pretty sure the cool people are doing it yeah

he never really

put it in the same perspective that

eddie bravo

did when eddie bravo

the way he put it into it was

much more that like pot is beneficial

much more like potts giving them all this positive

things and all

these ideas and enhancing his

creativity like

eddie was like really like espousing the

virtues of pot whereas

phil was more of talking

about how when he

smokes pot his life is tolerable

you know when he

smokes pot his relationship is tolerable

right you know

it was really it was really a trip because you know

if i had known back then i probably

could have got high with him all the time

had a great fucking time

we had a great time anyway

he was a really

really cool guy i did a lot of fun shit with that dude

got to he took me on his

plane he had a little plane

hey yeah yeah yeah as a little single engine

that’s a lot of

trust in someone man i’ve been in a couple of

those little tiny

planes and it’s

scary i love

that dude he was fun he was really honest like he

would talk to you

about all kinds of

crazy shit and

he was up in this

plane with me and

show me where to live like show me like good

places to live

this is good it’s like

not as populated it’s a little more

a little more property

and then over here is nice

very convenient

took me up as

planned show me

here way too many persians

haha you never said

you put words in his mouth son

but you know that was

right before um

before the end you know

it was just it was so sad

it was really you know the

weirdest thing was

um after we all went to this

sort of a memorial service

yeah and all the the cast

we all went to

a paul sims

house who is the creator of the show the producer

the executive producer

and we are all like in shock

and you know paul goes joe you know here you

you can always talk

like won’t you

say something and i said you know fuck you know

i don’t even know what to say i said he was a

great guy i

enjoyed being around him it’s like

i didn’t even

i didn’t even know what to say

everything i said just

sounds so stupid

yeah it’s like what am i saying why am i

even talking here we all just feel like shit and do we

do we even have some do we have some good stories let’s

see if we can remember some stories

you know and just but it was just like so

crazy it’s like

what is dead

his wife shot him and then she shot herself he just

he just left just gone

exited the world

and i just bang

blanked out of

existence yeah

very very strange

such a surreal feeling

i’ve had it happen a

bunch of times now

i never get it

never gets normal

yeah at least it was like a partier

you could sort of see it like us

yeah that just came out of nowhere

it’s horrible because who gets killed by

their wife so horrible it was

so horrible and you know here’s the the most horrible

thing when i

first heard the news i thought he killed her

really and then killed himself yeah i thought he hate

her so much

i just thought he couldn’t take it anymore like she

might have done something to him and he went

crazy and they they fought it out and

and then he wanted killing

oh yeah well how

about this yeah

who knows who know

i never would have

believed that he

would have done that

but when i heard the news i mean that’s what you always

assume that the man is responsible for the violence

don’t you no i’ve

dated a lot of crazies lately

well not violent ones you haven’t

we’ll talk later poor fella you need a hug yeah

it’s the most important

thing i think in any relationship

is don’t ever be around someone who likes to yell

don’t ever be

around someone who’s looking to get way more

angry than they should

if you’re into that

oh then get your

freak out son

is that what you like choke me

choke me and yell at me do it

girls at comedy clubs how many times you see that

where there’s a girl with a dude

that dude’s kind of weak

and the girl’s

super mouthy and really really like shouty

and heckily

and the reason why is

cause she’s

just not getting enough attention from this guy

and she’s decided to just zoom a

bunch on her

he’s not really working it it’s not working

it’s not there’s no

connection there

she picked him

cause he was easy and then she’s

out with them she’s not impressed so she just wants

that’s what certain people are

attractive she

wants someone to boss around he wants someone to be

to boss him around

yeah isn’t that

funny yeah they just

found themselves

yeah they just find themselves and

you know and it’s always the man that gets

crushed in those relationships

cause eventually she finds some dude is

gonna fuck her correctly and shut her

uh huh and then she calms down

cause that’s really all she needed all along

there’s girls like that right

this girls you have to fuck them hard or you’re

gonna be in arguments yeah

yeah i think i’ve met one or two

most of the time it’s the opposite

i used to date a girl who used to say that she

would get argumentative she

would get like she would like

start looking for

fights if she didn’t

think that a guy was attracted to her

you gotta fuck them so hard they

press charges no she wasn’t like that she was talking

about how she has this

weird instinct and she doesn’t know what it is but when

she feels like a guy’s

not attracted to her or a guy’s not impressed with her

she would literally

start picking on the guy

and not like

him really yeah like a fucking animal and yep

turning up from

and like looking to have arguments with him

about things

like over nothing

just because he wasn’t attracted to her

because he’s not showing the proper amount of

attraction respect

you know some dudes are so stumble over themselves well

good golly can i get you something

can i get you a drink

and when a guy’s

not like that when a guy’s like nonchalant

and treats her as an

equal just or

talks to her as if she was a man instead of a beautiful

woman you know

with all this whoa i can’t believe i’m talking to you

with all that gone you know just trying

she would she said she would get

upset at guys like that i was like wow that’s crazy

she would get

upset she wasn’t getting what she wanted

give her a sound

my laptop i think that what is your laptop doing dying

that that doesn’t sound good yeah

yeah your hard drive is getting jack son yeah so uh

is it this yeah

it’s my laptop it’s a fan

no this doesn’t have a hard drive like that it’s got a

solid state hard drive over there

wow that was a fucking awesome

entertaining 30 seconds of what’s that noise that

no one else could hear

that’s one thing

i’m addicted to by the way is what we’re talking about

earlier what pot

yeah super addicted

well yeah it’s just like you know

you get way into

things is it an

everyday thing oh yeah yeah

do you take days off

ever and wish you had it

wish i had it yeah what do you

mean do you take days off sometimes yeah but not much

no i won’t smell like

every day are he’s like

way more than

once a day oh yeah

oh yes joey

is a triple

style darling

or something wow

well i gotta say this man you’ve been really happy

like over the last couple of

months maybe it’s an increased pot

is that what it is no

cause the same people

were saying that chris pot was making me depressed so

yeah i think

you know look you you live

the life of a

comic it’s a silly life

it’s not a bad life for smoking pot all the time yeah

i wanna well

i didn’t win i came in

seventh in a poker tournament yesterday

289 people seventh

and i was high the entire time

that’s incredible

every time we had a

break every two

hours i run in my car

smoke and try to make myself cough as hard as i

could so i could like

that’s hilarious

smoke much more

what cough and get off how

many how many heads you

taken when you get when you went out there

well probably like four five like

every single

time do you eat a lot of bananas

no but then i also don’t eat much when i play cards

so i get this

super like seems like a great idea

wanna eat what seems like a great idea

to what to not

eat while you’re trying to

think and be at your best no honestly you can’t eat

because that’s the same

thing with pool players it slows down your thinking

yeah yeah i was

thinking i will eat your

bar every couple

hours maybe

if i need to some

smaller banana

when you’re in a

involved in a

heavy thinking

thing your body

starts yeah

breaking down a poker pro

said that online

once and i listened to it i was like so say what it is

well when you

have food in your stomach your body uses resources

to digest that food and that’s resources that it

could put towards thinking

i mean it’s really simple it’s like how much energy is

going towards each

individual task

like i always talk

about the isolation tank

well the reason why the isolation tank is so powerful

is your mind uses zero resources on your body

zero and you just have so much more to be able to talk

about anything

i think about even

after you eat you

start getting cold because the

blood goes away from your skin to help digest

and then it’s like you shiver

just because

you’ll be good on your own for a second

yeah have you ever made

the mistake of eating and then working out too quickly

what happens

that’s the worst

especially in jiu jitsu

like you’re

right i’ve done

that before

and you wanna

throw up and

like you have

to take a shit it’s like it’s a terrible feeling

and it’s in your stomach so

i thought i ate

three hours ago

you gotta you

gotta have an

empty stomach when you

train it’s very important tony annegoni is this up

professional pool player who’s a friend of mine they

wrote a book

about him called

playing off the rail

or david mccumber this

guy who is this

really really

great journalist and

he’s a great writer he followed

tony annegoni

all over the country

where they gambled playing it’s a

great book like

like a real like

a real hustler

story about a

guy was a real professional player just decided to just

show what it’s like to try to play

people across the country and documented by a really

great writer

but he would

when he would

do long matches he

would eat nothing

eat nothing and just drink

water yeah i

drink water or

gatorade yeah

thing and drink water

and i’m wondering too it’s like if you’re

going to eat something

if you’re not

gonna go all the way and say i’m not

gonna eat for 12

hours you know

if you’re going to eat something

there are certain

types of food that’ll make you drowsier and certain

type of food that won’t so i

wanna find out what

those types are yeah

like it was like

or nuts better than like

chips i don’t know

right yeah yeah there’s

gotta be some

stuff that’s good for your mind there’s

gotta be some

stuff that’s really

light light food like

dried fruits or something i

tried just eating a

salad at the

salad so i was like let me try that

yeah that’s not a bad

but i think

i don’t really have any idea what does it so i can

think i gotta go online and look

i’ve had salads and then worked out and been okay

no it’s not it’s not nearly

as uncomfortable as

i’ve had meat

that’s eaten

steak and then try to work out sometimes

you eat so much that you just want to go to sleep

so this one

is like oh that was

good eating depends what you eat i mean i had a nice

piece of meat last

night and i felt like i

could just run a marathon

after eating that are you

trying to else

you suck the cock is that what i’m saying

you got a nice

piece of meat

50 off steak at the grocery store yeah

1980s insult yeah

i had a nice piece of meat

it’s really really really really really sweet sweet

what kind of me was it

new york street did you cook it yourself

you feel like a fucking man

when you cook a

steak over a fire oh i love it

something about it right

until it’s like a primal

yeah it’s caveman dude i only i don’t even like

asking just turn right on huh

just asking

oh it’s great

yeah but it don’t taste as good

i used to do it

that way too i just get i gave away my propane tank to

ricky schroeder my propane

really it’s all over your

marination son

no you know what it’s all

about i’ll tell you what’s all

about dude this is all

about it’s all about

lump charcoal

or it’s actual wood

it’s not like

those briquettes

that have chemicals and shit in

the lump charcoal

so it’s actually just wood that’s been burnt and

and then you use very little lot

lighter fluid if any

just use newspaper

stuff in one of

those those uh

chimneys that they have yeah the

shoots yeah

taylor is one of

those you like you

pour all the coal in there and then you

light the fire

underneath it dude

lights the whole

thing up so fast salt and pepper on your

steak get that

motherfucker hot as shit

white hot coals

you sear it

on one side two and a half minutes flip that

bitch we’re talking two inch

steaks then

once you pull it off

after six minutes you slap it on the upper tray

close the lid open the top so some air gets in

we’re talking about

350 400 degrees

you leave it in there for another

maybe five six minutes and then eat that

shit son no

nigga no it’s all

about the navagals

get that shit

now leave us

smoke juice

listen yo how you

catch a crisp

with that a

one i’m all

about that a one

they actually have this shit called like smoke

like juice or something like that it’s just like the

taste the smoke

and i found it in my cupboard the

other day so i decided to put it on some

grilled chicken that i had

found it yeah how

great was it and i poured obviously

i poured too much i didn’t read the instructions

i thought it was just like tabasco or something

you’re supposed

to do like a little drop or something like that and it

i swear to god it

is the worst tasting

thing in the

world don’t

ever ever smoke

it will haunt you

it’s like doing mushrooms for your

first time it opens up this gate in

your head and for the rest of your life you’re always

gonna know what that tastes

you’re always

gonna know it’s possible

with smoke like it’s sort of

tastes like food but not yes

oh oh i am i’ve been thinking

about smoking some meat

doing some like with with actual hardwood and

stuff like that

i talked this dude

about it who does it on the

the other ground on the

mixed martial arts forms dude

named sammy

claus he’s sammy

claus yeah that’s his

name that’s his

his name on the form

and he’s always got like

these killer

pictures of like

barbecue he’s always like grilling

things and barbecuing things and

he’s got this big crazy

you know one of those

texas smokers

where it’s a big iron lid and

there’s a firebox on the side and you

throw wood into the box and the

smoke from the wood

is what actually cooks the meat

that’s next door to the firebox it’s really interesting

takes hours and

hours and hours

seems like a lot of fun i’m

gonna try something like that man

you’ve ever been to a pig

roast where they just

try no i haven’t really

damn i wanted to go to in hawaii this time

but the i wanted to see if they have like a louwal

that had that but we couldn’t find one

could find one pig

roasting a barbecue yeah i did one of

those houses

you gotta hang out with a

bunch of other people

i got into it when i did it i was like fuck

it this is cheese dickish as shit like come on you’re

gonna make these

i’m like i’m sure i’m

gonna make a little hokey lau

you know we’ll be

alive at all during the no

i thought that

maybe they choke

it or something

the best thing i got from that lua by the way

is i was in lies with my

is my ex i was in line we were

throwing spears

at these big

big haystacks

and this black guy was in

front of me

and he was about to

throw the spear

and i just turned to my ex and i was like hey

and she goes

do you want me to take a

picture of the

black eye thorn

i was like i need you to please

and i still have that

picture and

it’s amazing

she got a perfect mid

throw she knew me well enough to be like ari

but she knew also

even though i don’t support this in any way

fine i know you find this

funny alright

yeah if you’re a

black dude throwing a

spear is a real

risky move yeah

doing a lot of things

you know it’s like spear

chuckle that’s like

one of the top

ten chicken

watermelon yeah grape

juice it’s amazing

the watermelon

things amazing

watermelon is fucking delicious that somehow know there

could be any sort of a negative connotation

put towards watermelon

when i worked at arlington national

cemetery they grew in the back once they grew a

watermelon and this is in the fucking shack

laying down pipe with all that was mostly

black people

and they pick this up

they pick this

watermelon they

put it down for everybody and they devoured it

the black people jumped in there like it was like i’m

assuming like

prana three d was

it was just they were just all over like oh my god

i don’t have any

that’s my first

experience with

black people in

watermelon so they

ate it all and you you couldn’t get in there oh

they were devouring

and it’s i understand it’s not a bad


right you love

watermelon delicious food it’s great

but you had a real

experience with one that’s a sasquatch

sighting yeah

like you actually there in the shit

the latino guy got a

piece a small piece

the black people got

everything and

the other white guy

was there just not enough

watermelon to go around was that there i

think there was i

think they took doubles

they took down i

think they just

went in there there was like i’m just eating

watermelon so there was a

bunch people in line to get this

watermelon was it really a line like they they they

sliced it open i was like

hey watermelon here and then they just

just went to town on it wow but there was not enough

watermelon for everybody i

think there

would have been in

order like birthday

party fashion

probably just

no no it was pretty bad

well it sounds like they didn’t give a fuck of

watermelon they just kept it wasn’t like a

major big deal

more interesting to

watch years

later son and i still will

you’re from now

did you feel inadequate

no this one time this black guy did this

thing where he goes hey ari

what is this look like to you and he picked up his

shirt and he had his top of his dick

pointing out over the top of his pants

and i was like what the

but i was also like god that’s

how does it what it tastes like

tasted like a

i could come with anything

should have come

with an answer there did you did you feel concerned

this guy’s dick was poking out no the only

thing i was concerned was like my dick

would not reach the top of my

pants let alone have

all of your head go

above the pan line and he wasn’t like

scooting it down at all

and he wanted you to know

yeah it was like a joke i get it but it was like wow

that’s bigger than i seen you know

i was sixteen

yeah when a really dark

black dude like

you know it was purplish

like so could you or

huh you know

when a guy like that pulls out his dick

makes you look at it

so soft yeah

check congo

check congo

pull out his dick

if you in the bathroom

and check on going the

stall right next to you

and he’s being and as you’re about to leave he goes hey

look at this

and this just makes you look at it

yeah you’d wanna turn away but you you wouldn’t

have to look

turning away you’d have to know

you you look out of the corner of

your eye look like not straight on but like this like

yeah he would own you forever

you wouldn’t even have to blow him

so you in the hallway the next

time and just

not and you’d be like

you’d be around him

every time you around him

you would be like okay how

long do i have to hang

around here to make it look like i’m not comfortable

so look he didn’t punk me i didn’t

leave because of him it’s like

yeah brian you got this tone and a song back

love it huh i love it

he’s got a bunch of interesting songs man

what i like about him is what i like

about that other band that you told me about today

what’s that band oh yeah

god damn it caught me off guard

die antwoord

and they’re from southern africa where they made like

district nine the same guy from the same

part of the country or whatever and

they’re really interesting you got to see the

video but here’s like what i like

about it though is the same

thing i like

about this tonetta

this is all from the internet this is all

i don’t know who’s behind

these guys you get

any of your news from anywhere else besides

the internet i don’t you don’t really no wow do you

no that yeah no

i don’t know i mean i don’t know i just read it

on the internet you can’t differentiate anymore because

when i read news stories on the internet it’s like

washington post calm

right yeah times

calm so it’s like what what

would i be reading

my information from i don’t know

it’s a weird

thing though

but then nobody has monopoly on you anymore

because you can go to washington post com but

that’s not the only

thing you’re reading

before you decide between the

sports page and the front page

with this you just

go to washington post and you go to fucking alex jones

yeah we have

to say then you go to the next

thing no one

has a pull on you there’s

so much information out there that yeah so this is this

crazy fucking band

next level shit this is

south african

rappers this guy’s beatboxing and his dj has progeria

now that disease that makes you age

really surely yeah

is the thing dj

progeria no

that would have been a good name though

listen to those thoughts

is it all boys

there’s some beatboxing to it but it just sounds

got a weird flow and that south african accent

i don’t think playing this

the flashlight people would agree with this at all

why i just don’t think it’s a

flashlight yeah i don’t think it’s their marketing

i don’t i don’t think they would

this is just so you can see what they look like

that’s not a good one to show that’s that ninja song

the other ones better

see what they look like

he’s a freak

real weird looking dude a

bunch of strange shit

tattooed on his body

does he have

richie rich tattooed

on his body richie rich i don’t know does he yeah

that’s hilarious

maybe that’s like a clutch

thing to have if you live in

south africa

it’s pretty cool that guy looks like a nazi

god he looks

scary as shit

he doesn’t look

scary like that

look the dj’s like

like that he has a disease

where he grows and he’s like an old man would you

yeah he’s trying

to remember i was just talking i

was like forty

seconds ago i was like you were

setting up the

stuff yeah you

brian goes into his own

when he’s setting up

equipment he

doesn’t even hear what we’re talking

about yeah because i’m

thinking of

it bullshit

that’s what i do when you guys

start talking

about tech equipment

i just like

zone out and

start looking

around this

whatever restaurant we’re in the dj sings with

him in this song like you see the dj like moving in the

background yeah

well the you know like

while he’s like

jamming to the song the dj jams the song

it’s like wow this kid

how long do

they does he have i don’t know i mean how long

do you do you have period when you have progeria yeah

maybe i mean is that

definitely his dj is not just someone that they have

yeah that’s nice dj

so here he is

so he goes out and he’s doing all this and he’s

dancing around and as he’s doing it then the the oh ah

that’s a girl

don’t forget our ears are attached to your

mouth right now that looks like an alien

yeah that’s a trip man

it’s a trip when the human body is just wow

just wired all completely fucked up

that just looks like an alien

yeah that doesn’t look like

why are you judging

it looks like an alien so

i think a lot of people probably

think you look like a jew oh

how dare you wait

that’s a new monster movie the jews vs the aliens yeah

just get him a sandwich get him some get him some chips

what is the official wow

what is what is

why is what’s how

jesus people

say what’s the reason for that

what someone having progeria

retarded people

like what what was god

doing let’s kill this brand

you know well

that’s a good question it’s just fucking

it’s just dumb well what do they say in

you were like a seriously religious

young man yeah what is the jewish faith

say about someone who has

some sort of disease like this why

would god do this to them

god i don’t

what do they say i don’t know what they would say

they must have some sort of explanation

you know i never really i never really

i don’t remember anything like this

really any sort of question like this

but i mean they have a

thing with the more you suffer

here the more you’ll be rewarded in the afterlife

oh they do they

say that but it’s like that’s crap because a lot of

these some of

these rabbis like

of the elders

were like super awesome businessman

oh really a tons of cash most of them are

broke but some of them had so it’s like what are they

going to hell you’re saying right

because they

were better

no i think he’s like no he just

you make that your own

but live like i want you to

i guess the jewish

faith and the italian

faith have a lot of guilt

yeah italian

faith listen to me

the italian

you know catholic faith

you know what

i grew up with it’s got a

culture it’s

thank you very much culture

very very similar a lot of

guilt a lot of

guilt a lot of you must work hard and a lot of guilt

and a lot of family too they’re both similar too

but it’s interesting that the

whole guilt thing

no just make you feel bad

i’m glad i don’t for

doing stuff

that everyone

does i got a mild religion

compared to what you guys probably grew up with i

think yeah i

think part of it is being on the east

coast too yeah i really do the east

coast is filled with

savages way more forward

thinking people out here

yeah west coast

everywhere all to

count to canada

it really is my theory

is really a good theory the theory that i joke around

about when i talk

about it that

all these psycho immigrants move to the east

coast and they

literally they took

crazy chances they couldn’t

watch the fucking

travel channel or research it on the internet

they had to talk to someone who told them that they

could get land in america

so they got on a boat

and it took like a

month to get over here buy a fucking boat with

their family and

their children and shit

and came over here

they’re crazy

scrappers you

know these are

crazy wild people who are just willing to take

a nutty chance and move to another fucking continent

to further their cause

and when you

get people like that they have this sort of a fucking

angry aggressive

get shit done energy

that you don’t get on the west

coast you know it takes

the people that

moved to the west

coast are people that didn’t like that

whole vibe on the east

coast and kept moving

you know and eventually they established

and a lot of it has to do with the weather

the weather out here is so nice all the time

that no one has to be hard

you know you

don’t have to be like you have to be in michigan

you don’t have to be like you have to be

in boston that’s so

important too man that is just so important because

yeah i think about it

every time i leave la

you know i’m like wow

glad to get back to our temperature

not like you know

which is like 75

well you know what it does

it makes the climate becomes a non

issue for the most part right

it really does just change the way the weather

except for possible

earthquakes and

tsunamis are always possible too if there’s an

earthquake off fire

fuck exploding

towns exploding towns yeah i

mean look there are issues i

haven’t lived with any of

those things

there are issues though shit can happen right

but other than that you don’t have to deal with any ice

you don’t have to deal with any snow

more chlamydia though

what there’s a lot more stds are you sure oh

yeah there’s a lot more aa meetings you can find though

dirt and quiz i don’t even know if that’s true dude i

think comedian stds have made it

clear across the country they’ve caught on

i think the whole

world caught on

everybody’s doing it everybody’s got the internet

so chlamydia is

everywhere sonic

yeah but there’s so many more outbreaks my

space spread it everywhere

once my space

was bigger in new york or la

chlamydia yeah

i bet they all have new york

people are all on top of each

other going out more i

think they’re fucking more in new york

really yeah you

think they fuck more in new york than la

i think la they fuck more for results

what do you mean try to get

things done oh yeah moving the career

along although i’ve

never really seen anyone

really do that

people get stuff

after they did it with me

i’ve seen so many people do that

i’ve seen so many people do that so many producer dudes

just who when i

first moved to hollywood my

first show that i was ever on there was a producer dude

and he was banging the girl who was like

she was like she had a

small part in the show

and then you know he was

slinging the meat to her

and i was like wow this is like so cliche

like just the way they were

behaving around each

other was like so cliche

it was like so obvious she’s fucking him to try to get

ahead and he’s

he’s older than her and not really

quite good looking enough to get her but like

but he’s a player he’s missing his ears confident out

the first when i

first moved to

california this show that i was on called hardball

was the perfect

example of like what is possible in hollywood

like actors who

would freak out

throw their

scripts down

storm off the set

the producers of the show the original guys were really

funny guys this guy

kevin curran

and jeff martin

and they wrote for

married with children and they

wrote for the simpsons and they were really funny guys

but they were writers you

know and the network didn’t

think that these guys were

strong enough personalities to run a show

so they brought in this

other dude and this

other dude had worked on like

coach and a

bunch of like really canned fucking kaboom punk factory

produced shows

and this guy was

horrible he was so bad

the lines that he

would come up with

completely rewrote

everything to his own

taste on his yacht by the way

where the girl who was playing the part would go

visit him and she was hanging out with them they

would talk about the next day

i had such a good time

thank you very much

it was just

the whole thing was so so

completely ridiculous it was like so hollywood

one of the lines was this is how bad it got i played

a baseball player i played like this guy who was like

this baseball player that was always getting in

trouble and

there’s a desk

in the dude’s office the dude who’s the

owner of the team

and i’m banging this

chick on his desk

and he opens the door and goes excuse me

my that’s my desk you’re preparing to defile

and at which

point times

say i’m not defiling the desk i’m defiling her

that’s the actual line

while you’re fucking that’s the actual line

i looked at that line

and i just i just opened my

mouth and i’m like okay

these guys are just

they snuck in

somehow and

some writer was like

that’s a woody line and you’re like yeah i guess on

paper maybe

but it’s like

no one would ever

do that no but back then it was also like i like


no it wasn’t that

bad it was 1994 that was a sure sign of zero talent

whoever wrote that

trick it through

how did you

ever read that

because these guys develop

like cronies they have pals like this is one of the

reasons why there’s so many bad writers in hollywood

there’s a lot of

great writers don’t get me wrong

but there’s a lot

of guys that are writing just really horrible mediocre

shit and they’re

still around forever

and they just get into this sort of a

group where they

start getting used and

you know maybe they don’t

write good but

maybe they have ideas that come out good in writer

meetings and they’re all sitting around trying to

think things up sometimes guys

they’re not good

at putting the concept together but they’re good at

getting a ball rolling

you know and

so that’s a real

function in a creative room

but some of

them are just fucking they’re just in there from

their cronies they’re fucking cunts

and this guy was the perfect example of it was like

it was shocking

it was one of

the reasons why i wanted to go back if i hadn’t got an

apartment out here

and already got a little

i went back to new york i would

feel like fuck this yeah i was the

show got canceled

totally done with the

whole acting

thing what what show was bill brown

uh taiwanese

so you lived

out here for a little

while and then went back to new york i

think it’s went for half season or

season yeah

maybe season half

soon as i got cancelled

i fuck up them at the clubs

really yeah

it’s hard man you know when you’re a

comic and you’re used to doing your own

thing and saying your own

thing you’ve got a good following like bill burr

has then it’s hard to find the

right people with the

right voice

unless you’re

gonna write

every episode

you know everybody loves raymond

when you know

i knew ray from way back in the days before he was ever

you know doing any acting at all

way before everybody loves raymond i work with him at

jimmy’s comedy alley in

queens and like nineteen ninety two

you know a long long long time ago but

when he first got that show dude he was manic

i mean he was obsessed we

would go out we went out to

jerry’s deli

meet him and

kevin james

and he had just gotten the show and this all he

could talk about like

you know like

maybe the guy comes in and

he just says

i thinking about it and writing

things and stuff

yeah did that

sound more like ernie

hi there too much

like kermit the

frog kermit the frog yeah

hey guys ray romano here

ray romano i

hear you lose a little bit

i can get it if i listen to if i listen to him i

could get it but anyway um

ray would just be like

breaking i went out to lunch with him the guy was just

breaking down scenes while he was eating lunch

he just couldn’t stop

to him it was like

hey here’s this incredible big shot i’m not

gonna blow this i’m writing everything

he was gonna make sure everything was great

he became obsessed with it and wrote everything

but you know but he did it the right way he

threw himself into it

if you’re not gonna do that man

it’s fucking hard it’s hard to get someone to

write your own shit look at louis

ck with his first show

it’s hard to put it together on his

first show i read as a pilot for his other one

one before it didn’t get picked up

for like nbc or want some regular network

yeah there was like

pieces of a

stand up in there but you can just see like

three or four hands trying to rewrite stuff

it just looks

fractured and

just bad lucky louis and the new i

haven’t seen the new one and i only saw one episode of

lucky louis but i’m a huge fan of him as a comedian

just a huge

fan of him that he’s just out there doing all

these different

things that are

getting more people to pay attention to his comedy we

gotta get him on the podcast

he’s really busy man he’s busy as fuck

if we drug him up though get him

drunk he doesn’t even do that

stuff well he

drinks every now and then rants

about get him some killings

alan he likes killings

how do you know i don’t know fuck you talking

about of course i

gotta get drunk

got it down

doesn’t he single

yeah probably

drinks yeah

unless you’re a monk

or some fucking yoga weirdo

yeah you know it’s like

you gotta if you it’s like if you work

at a nightclub

a whole bunch of

chips for your

whole life you know

you can’t take them to the

grave with you you

gotta cash some of them in

and health chips

you know you gotta

throw some booze at

those health

chips every now and then

fuck it she right

do you know i used to give plasma

to get weed

i would sell plasma

every twice

a week sometimes

you can’t believe it

and now i look back i’m like

what is plasma

was that really bad for me to do

do you ever stop and

think about it and like

why would you yeah why

would you huh

why would you sell

blood who would you sell

blood to because i was in

college and it was

cheap and there was like you sell your own blood yeah

my own plasma shut up idiot no

no that you’d sell

plasma serious

how much 15

it was on a college

campus and they

would do it it was like

fifty bucks fifty

how much meth is in

those those bell

blood i know that’s what i’m saying

if you can do it on a college campus

how many fucking adderall lace

is it legal can you give away

blood if you’re

jacked on that adderall

i don’t know

i’m sure they

test you do they

test you oh yeah for how many different

things i don’t know

remember the questions

have you had butt sex in the last

two years yeah they

asked all these questions but

sex i don’t

think they put it that way i was helping have you

had anal sex some like that some like


they just pretty much asking

you for gay and they like we don’t need your blood

wow that’s when hiv was

going crazy

wow everyone’s

worried they

would have make kids feel that out

alright like you’re fifteen

even if you had butt sex

alright whatever whatever

yeah man you getting

blood from people who knows what the fuck

those people

are doing before they giving you that blood yeah

who knows what new diseases are out there they

haven’t detected yet

right i mean before it

before aids was around

right nobody knew there was

gonna be an aids right

can you imagine if you go back in time to the 60s

where people just fucked raw dogs everywhere

nobody worried

about anything but then

he had ticks you know

we weren’t good at

fighting ticks back then so you

would have to use like a

matched stick

remember when people used to tell you like blow out a

match stick and then get on the tick

you know i think oh yeah

going to apollo

who died of syphilis

so there was there were

still venereal diseases

syphilis turns into

cancer yeah

that’s a turn to cancer uh huh

it’s amazing one of them

how many things can fuck you up from sex

all the different

crazy diseases that are

transmitted through sex that aren’t

transmitted through they only affect

a certain part of your body

hmm touch some herpes at the back of her hand

that you’re fine yeah

it’s weird right

well you get mad herpes

from jiu jitsu

yeah i herpes

you get highs herpes in your eye dude i heard

about a dude who let listen to this

he dropped his contact lens on a mat

and picked it up and put it back

in his eye come on and got a staph infection in his eye

and wind up

dying oh my god yeah

that’s crazy it went

systemic really fast it went

systemic and it was through his eye went

right into his

brain and that’s a rap son wow

yeah did you see what’s her name

that female

wrestler or

the girl that had the sex

tape flex when you said that the girl

china china

did you see that like

thing that she

said it was a spider bite but it was like a

it looked like to me it look like a fucking

rain worm or staph infection it was so bad is huge

thing well you know she might be

shooting up

you know who knows who knows what

better for you

it could be a staph infection though

a lot of times

it was like a

spider bite

or something

people think that

staff infections

are spider bites

until someone tells it

yeah i already did that

it looks like it man

it looks like

a picture of

staff on the

in that gym at all

no i’ve really said just put a

picture on the door yeah if you

see anything

looks like this stop and consult a doctor immediately

staff who’s that

china that’s her

whole yeah it’s her whole

hmm and what is she saying that is

again like a spider

spider it could be a spider but

those spider looks

brown recluse

saying it’s a spider but when i

first saw it i was like dude that looks like staff

that’s her wrist huh

no it’s her leg that’s a leg

i believe yeah

it’s down there

then here’s her up skirts

she’s got nice

pussy boners

what i love her

pussy boner

i’d like to put this

clitoris yeah put a little hat on her

dress it up it’s fabulous

would you would you hit that brian no no

i don’t like girls that

that have a guy

kind of physique muscle tone too

like if they have a long

wide enough

shoulders i’m out i’m like alright but what if

like that’s

clearly not your type but like what if

um i need a little you on the road somewhere and you’re

drunk and you sort of

horny and like you had one girl you thought was

gonna work out and then didn’t i’m turned off by it

so like to me i’m like i’d rather so she’s like hey you

wanna hang out for a

while you would say no it’s not like

if she had like the muscle if she look like that

i’ll try no you would say no i just wanna go sleep

dude okay masturbation

flashlight that’s what a flashlight’s for

you take it on the road with you

no i don’t need to you take it on the road with you no

that’s a commitment yeah

i don’t need to beat off

that bad you just get used to singing that’s how it’s

going away how

about that’s the line you draw some

random draws

not outside of my home listen fellow

when i go on the road it’s for work not for pleasure

yeah i fuck pillows on the road

that’s it’s not your pillow you don’t have to

worry about do you fuck

pillows i do it

at least what do

you do stayed in so much

over and over

again i might have

slept in one of the pills

you fucked yeah what do you how do you fuck the pillow

you just hump it

you know it’s soft

no i don’t know and it’s silky

but there’s nothing it goes into huh no

you don’t have to it just rubs

against it the

outside of it you kind of shave off a little

like you’re four

huh like when you were four years old and

just figure it out totally

not four or fourteen

just kidding dude

i didn’t start beating off till i was

about fifteen

i beat off early

really so early that nothing came out

and then one day

stuff started coming out

yeah like three or four years into it

and i really thought i

broke it wow

cause i didn’t know what it was it was just like it was

when you came that you

broke it but before you just came and you had orgasm

and that was it just

go and yeah all this

fluid start coming out

and it wasn’t like a

like a gooey like it is now

it was just

completely milky

like it was real

loose watery

you remember the orgasm

you used to have when you were like 15 or 16 great

i my girlfriend when i was a

girlfriend oh loomy

this was seriously one of the

first times i ever had an orgasm ever

yeah it was in her mouth and

and i was fourteen and my fucking

ears rang like

it was i came so hard my ears rang it was

crazy wow like my my

whole body like all your dna is like this is what you

wanna do but i never you wanna breed

i’ve never been able to come that hard ever again

wow the hardest ever came on this ring

don’t have sex for what 15 years

is that what you have to do yeah

must be save it up imagine that come you have zero

control that the yellow come

yeah i mean

she might have put it in her mouth for

about fifteen seconds

that’s all you needed not even fifteen

seconds i did once behind the

north hill service desk in college

it was like sort of

one of the desks that was only open from like

noon to six pm

but it was kind of secluded

no one come up behind you they could just come into the

front door so i keep doing it like lean up

right against the table

and start doing it somebody come up i have to stop

how are you whatever and then i

would just i

just just unzip it on button you know that’s all

so i just and then they come outside to stop

again and it took like

thirty five

forty minutes

on what it did

i was just like i lost control of my body’s like

ah ah ah ah

like a while

i’ve been chasing that dragon ever since man

that shit back

that’s hilarious when i

first fucked really high that was a sort of the same

thing we’re

like oh my god yeah people who don’t know people don’t

smoke pot don’t even know how good sex can feel if

you’ve never fucked high you have to fuck high

it’s like amusement park ride do it with some you

trust or something just both you say we’re

not potheads we both can get high and do this together

yeah you’ll

enjoy the sex so

much more it really

everything feels better

every every

touch is magnified i have a friend to stop smoking pot

except right before you have sex wow

i’m like what if a girl doesn’t

doesn’t do it because i don’t care

i say i got her real quick

yeah you’d be

crazy not to

it makes you more passionate too

oh get lost

yeah but then

she starts crying you start

freaking out more than you normally

what your girls are always crying

i think you need to stop doing something

something you’re doing is making them all cry

and lose himself with the tears

that’s how i finger my butthole

with your tears

what is it about

chicks crying

on you man how many how many have cried i’ve

never had one cry

i’ve never had one cry on

you i don’t

think so my

first cries

should cry about

doing these

woods on you

i think maybe cry

once because i accidentally fucked her in the ass oh

you know what

i mean like

where you’re like fucking and

slips out and just gets

right in the ass whoa wait a minute she

might have done that

right in yeah

do you really

gonna go right in

i’ve never i’ve always i

think i probably

was like took it out put it like put them put it in

shoved it right in

right right


she have a giant butthole

i don’t remember

who it was i just remember that happening

i remember who it was

i remember that story

but that’s another tale for another time yeah

was gonna say what we’re talking

about before you were talking about dicks accidentally

going into buttholes oh man i don’t know god we’re

still all high

do you know that in some states

where were we it’s like legitimately not legal

just to go smoke pot

just to go buy spot and

smoke it like it’s like a problem

yeah it’s illegal it’s really sort of weird though

oh it’s very i become super used to it

well you live in california and california it is legal

it’s you have a medical issue

what is your medical issue


no they got this time

that was time was the reason why

you get high all day yeah

i said i need surgery

oh that was

good there you go

true yeah our sphere was out there in the trenches

how to get some meniscus repair yo

and he said let me see the

wound but it was arthroscopic so the

wound was super small

and i forgot which leg it was cause i did a good job

so i was like oh and then when he was like

where is it

i don’t see it i was like looking for it i was like

maybe i got the wrong leg

and i was like oh there it is there it is

he saw it is like okay he looked at it

yeah he called me on my shit

my right knee were they they did it with a

cadaver graft

yeah that was my when they replaced my acl

you can’t see shit there’s no scars anywhere

there’s like a little tiny scar

where your leg is

haunted the only scar by sexiness

there’s a dead man

dead person

basically the dead person just prop

provides a framework

and then your body sort of fills it in

right the so an actual just

about her you want it’d

be crazy if it came with like a

birth certificate

though kind

of like a cabbage

patch kid and you get to like little there was a horror

movie do you remember that

my hand or something like somebody got a hand

or there was

some fucking murderer

yeah he escaped like he didn’t get killed

so the guy wanted his hand back so he hunted this guy

this one armed murderer

was hunting this guy

and at some

point he had his hand alt like

in a handcuff

two cars going opposite ways like one guy

and so he’s just

gonna fucking yank him out

he wanted to

steal his hand back what

movie was this i don’t remember but i remember being a

movie that’s our previous four

i never saw the movie wow

there have been some

movies with

some fucking preposterous plots i want my hand back

how about the

john travolta one

with what the fuck’s his name face off

when he was an

angel oh yeah

i like that

that was good

that was good

see that was a good action

movie i like that

movie when i saw expendables i was like

why can’t you just be as good as that

but is it good

today if you

watched face off today

i’m gonna watch it

again but you know what john woo

directed it he directs

great action

scenes right

so that’s a plus

yeah but the

premise was the

premises dumb

and they had margaret show and

eddie is what in it

you both of

them both of them

annoying yeah suspect i was like wait what why are they

what are they doing in this

small role in this

movie took me out of it

did it really i was

aware of who they were this

is your comic

no i wasn’t one

oh well you i was

aware of who they were i was like this

seems like they’re

gonna yeah those

should have

been anonymous rules or way bigger roles hmm

interesting and i’m not even sure margaret chose

i might have just lumped her in with him

she might not have been in the movie

i saw she’s so fucking hilarious

she’s on dancing with the stars yeah

this season

yes she is my advice to you is

when the commercial comes on

to avert your eyes

when you see coming dancing with us just look away why

it’s gross she’s gross

yes really as a body type

you can likes can like her all you want

i do i like her a lot

but you cannot pretend when you see this that is not

funny she’s crazy

i ran into her with

my family in boulder when i was living in boulder

and she just like any pot

i don’t like this is just like

california you can get it out here

she’s cool though she’s very friendly

very nice person wants sexuality and at some

point becomes like ew

well you know what man what we do if you were her

what a rocket

let a rocket how she likes to rock it makes

me a little

unpleasant meanwhile you’re

whipping your dick out the communist on

stage i think that’s savory to her

she walks in looking for some jokes

you’re getting your limp dick sucked by some fucking

freak yeah what

bring you on next margie

what was the name of the pornstar

lane lacey lane

lacey lane l a c

i or y l a y n

e yeah and she

said when they were introducing her she was completely

completely naked

wow completely

naked on stage

yeah she was already

fully naked on

stage and then

and then she goes

i’ve been in over 37

porn films like wow it’s a lot she goes

it’s not really that much

thirty seven is not that whatever the number was

because that’s not

it’s nothing yeah it’s nothing to let you know that you

could be her boyfriend

maybe she wants you to make you her boyfriend i

think she was trying to be modest

about her career

really yeah

where someone’s like this guy’s been in

he’s played clubs and colleges

everywhere you want to say that it’s like no that

doesn’t nobody cares

about that right

which is like but i mean whatever

think it was that that’s what i got the

sense from her

she was like i’m getting there i haven’t

built my name yet

would you have asked

bella donna

about her and she didn’t know she

would you be able to date a porn star like that

out there in the business casually

yeah casually

would you watch

their movies

um maybe yeah i probably would really yeah

like say if you were on the road and she was back in la

yeah would you like go on you porn and

pick up one of her clips and beat off to it

think about her getting fucked

right probably go with someone else i do

i like how you’re talking

about as if you like make fun of my

girlfriend room i don’t have a girlfriend

why are you like mocking me

you do brian yeah do you do what yeah

i masturbate to my and

yeah that girl yeah nice i

never looked at a picture of her well

you know you

never looked at a picture of her masturbation purposes

no or at all it’s very respectful at all

it’s like i don’t know it was never

it’s not nice they

wouldn’t do anything for me after that

she would not like that much

although i have

met some porn stars before i’ve seen any

other porn become like

friendly with them

and then at some point like

wanna beat off

like i’ll come across one of them like yeah

wow yeah let’s do this that feels

extra naughty

yeah no not yeah just hotter

hotter yeah

you know dana de

armand you know her right

she had made this

tweet yesterday she

was in that outside

the video she

said my face is

covered with cum and slap marks

that was one of her

tweets i was like wow

that’s great

wow that’s pretty intense

you know she gets fucked hard huh

oh yeah oh yeah black

eyes a lot of them yeah

there’s a lot of them

she puts in work son

do you think anybody

would be to this

type of porn because there’s so many different types

black guys fucking

white girls gently

yeah for sure that’s a there’s a market out there

like super calm and just like

maybe it’s for girls saying a lot making

videos maybe

training wheels for getting really

fucking yeah

that’s kind of what is on like a cinemax kind of

yeah but the black dudes are

never like really soft and sensual

come on baby come over here yeah soft and sensual

black eye porn maybe that’s what it is yeah

soft and sensual

black guys and love the white girls have

never had a black experience

or an asian girl instead of

going just going

would you like some

there’s gotta be proud

this should be a porn

where it’s like girls just getting broken into the

black experience it must be right yeah

there has to be there like abusing them

oh oh really yeah so like this is your

first black man and

i’m shoving it in but this deal is so fucking massive

yeah that guy scares

me it was dick

that shit’s ridiculous

how much money do you

think you can make for

those i think he’s got like a name guy yeah name guys

you guys what is

gotta be a few hundred

grand a year

you think so yeah

tyler knight

said that the

money just dropped

substantially because of all the free

points i yeah

yeah he’s you know

tyler is he was on

the podcast talking

about his blogs and his blogs of kind of

turned into

him writing a

novel and like he’s got a publisher now and

everything and

he’s really a fucking talented writer

but you know he was like sort of forced into it because

of the fact that the porn industry evaporated in

front of his eyes

and he’s not like a big name act

but he’s you know i don’t know he’s sort of a name i

think i think

ella money’s a

producing too yeah

when you’re on the

where they gonna sell

it now they’re

gonna sell like

tons people buy

really it’s like

dried up but it’s like

drive to the

point of like

if you produce and

market your own dvd it’s like you

could sell so much

that’s why chuck taylor

still get made

because most people will not buy them

but there’s a few people who will and

we’ll just exploit that market too

yeah i always wonder when i hear

about like like

some big porn

thing that they’re doing you know and some big porn

tape is gonna be released like how are they

gonna make money from it’s all

parodies now you know people want to buy like a haha

dvd you know for somebody it’s kind of like you know

okay so right

now it’s turning into

parodies most of it’s just webcam business

they’ve been doing parodies for a long time though

right but that is

funny that it

could be like a haha gift yeah

porn as a gift here

i know you want to beat off

there’s excuse

the cosby hose

i give you license to beat off

i will know that you are

good licenses

the cosby one was funny because of

what’s his face

comic jesus christ

what is his name

thomas ward thomas ward

bill cosby incredible bill cosby impression

great and all of a sudden he was in a cosby porno

he wasn’t fucking

i’ve known but

he’s one of those dudes that i thought was gonna

really hit a comedian

i was like he’s got charisma he’s funny i’m like he’s

gonna get better i’m like this kid’s

gonna be good he had a certain amount of attitude yeah

he was pretty badass but it never really worked out no

close the other level that sketch group was pretty good

yeah they were

right they had some good shit

it’s an interesting ride isn’t it being in hollywood

you’ve been here a

while now you know seeing guys in the business

seeing how you know a

it really awards persistence and

focus and you know some guys yeah

well no really

that’s not true i don’t

think so no i think it’s pretty random both ways

like it takes more time

but the same amount of people like drop off late and

like i said early

yeah but the

but the guys who stick around it’s a lot of it is

their persistence that’s what’s getting rewarded

their persistence and

their work their hard work and their effort

it’s like you see the difference between

those guys and the guys that kind of half ass things

yeah like louis anderson

yeah there’s always guys a job

there’s there’s always guys that sort of half ass it

i wouldn’t say

louis anderson though why would you say louis anderson

remember his manager came into the store once

and he was like do you mind if i come in

and show me his card or whatever

and i was like is

he coming in tonight he goes no he’s on the family feud

i’m like i can

still do spots he goes

you don’t know

louis anderson

he does one thing

really yeah

and that’s like an easy

job so he’s like not doing

stand up when he’s doing that something like that

so big you know when you’re that overweight it’s

gotta be hard just to get around

you know you

don’t have a lot of energy to do more than one

thing why would you want to do

stand up too what i’m saying is though

someone doesn’t like work really hard

yeah well i wasn’t talking

about a guy like that he’s pretty

successful what i was talking

about is guys that you see that when you

start out together

in hollywood and

you know there’s some dudes that just don’t put in the

effort oh yeah

they just slack off too much don’t

focus enough i mean how many guys have you seen come

along the way that you were sure we’re

gonna be really huge

for whatever

reason they just stopped doing it some of them

just keep doing it but they just stopped developing

it’s not even a question of work

ethic it’s just like oh you’re just not getting better

yeah yeah and what it

is everyone’s jokes are getting better and yours aren’t

yeah that’s new

jokes just not

yeah i think some people top out

so that’s not like they’re not tackling

tough subjects or honestness it’s like

man like sometimes you

gotta find the

place to be honest you know uh huh

and just let them come

right they’re working just as hard

nah i don’t

know if they are because they’re not thinking

about themselves objectively that’s the difference

the difference is everybody talks

about like working hard but

are you working effectively

yeah i mean what is it

about your sense of

humor that’s not

translating to all

these people in the

crowd there’s got to be something it’s not

funny you maybe

need to look at yourself and how you’re looking at

things and maybe your

thinking is distorted yeah

you know and that’s

very often the case

that’s what i

think a lot of it is

it’s just you know you

could say that

they’re working just as hard but they’re not really

it’s like you know i’m trying to push this

truck up the hill yeah there’s buying the

right things doing it the

wrong way i’m

trying to go sideways and i’m pretty sure it’s

gonna make it go straight you know they just don’t

know what the fuck they’re doing it’s like they are

working hard no one knows what the fuck they’re doing

yeah they start everyone’s just

guessing at it that’s the

weird thing yeah but you

learn slowly

along the way

yeah you know i

learned a little bit faster than you

whoa what are you trying to say

brian does stand up

every now and then he’s thinking

about making a

motherfucking screen bag

do stand up

where you gonna go

mostly haha cafe and try out a couple

other places really

are you you looking forward to this you nervous no

are you thinking about

truly embarking on a

stand up journey

again because you always think

about doing it and you

think it’s gonna take

time i do i do

everything in

season it’s like

everything when it comes to like doing a lot of

videos or doing like

stand up or doing

songs or drawing a lot it seems like it comes in a

season or video games even

i just wanna play

video games all the time for like a

month then you

stop doing it

stop and it’s weird

i have seasons of

creativity what

the thing i’ve talked about

stand up is so hard and so interesting that i

think it helps

everything else you do anyway it’ll help your

videos it’ll help it’ll make

you’ll have more

experiences it’ll

make it interesting

i say don’t bother

boo yeah whatever i really

think i got this thought the

other day that he does such great

videos like

that’s his mode of

expression so if you have

stuff you wanna get off your

chest like that’s

your way of expressing well that’s the only

thing you know that i do i also

paint paint for i’ve

painted for ten years he

writes poetry

things i do

bunch of crap that’s just the only

thing you’re

focusing on

it’s the only

thing i know

about i didn’t know

about the painting at all

i want you to

stop stop thinking

about what you hear and just get to know the real brian

this comedy is good though brian

another baby thing

probably knows how to

write jokes

i i brought one the

other day though i don’t know if it’s only

like i don’t know like if the

majority of the audience is

gonna get it okay let’s tell it

tried out right here uh

have you guys

heard like you

know the ipod the iphone is killing the cd

i don’t buy it because have you ever tried to

break up cocaine on itunes

i think that’s funny get it though yeah

an iphone iphone yeah off a cd right

right exactly

so that’s no i

would just get

right i’ve even done coconut i would just

get rid of the part have you guys ever noticed

well that’s how you

start out a bit

have you guys ever noticed

sometimes it’s just you have to get the ball

rolling that’s just a way to be comfortable you know

things like when you say something like that like

how’s everybody doing tonight you know like come on

really right you

asking a question what are you doing you just getting

the ball rolling that’s what he’s doing there my

other one now

alright so my girl

we’ve been dating for a long time and

you know it’s

getting kind of boring in the relationship

and so the other day she you know goes do you wanna

do you want breakfast in bed

i’m like yeah that’s

i love breakfast in bed you know kind of surprised me

so she bent over cupped her hand

farted in her hand

and blew it in my face and says there’s your eggs bitch

i know this

one you’ve already done this one to me before

i knew it halfway into

it now and you knew i knew it and you had to keep going

i heard the

first one too

you heard the

first one yeah when did you hear the

first one a year ago

whenever you told it to me oh

brian i thought

these are your new jokes now i’ll get

some new jokes

that’s why i was like i

tuned out i

realized i’ll give you

some new jokes this people

right now on itunes the haters

right now the red band haters are

going crazy right now

why is this guy

ruining the fucking podcast with his

shitty jokes

here’s like one i

wrote in two seconds

farting on an old

woman is one of

the very few times that the reaction isn’t in disgust

but concern that they made poopies wow

that’s way too long just stop it just know

these are just no

shut your mouth

i want to hear the kanye west

video before we get out of here okay kanye west

set the judge songs the

first time you hear

oh no something’s badass

right away sometimes

on the radio

just gets in your head you can play it over and over

again it start to

catch on that cee

lo green song

dude that forget you one man i heard the

other day that was

off we need

to play that too why don’t you load up forget you

that’ll be the next move

you know the

kanye one yeah let’s hear the kanye one first

did you see this

chick you hit in the face with a watermelon

look at this video

oh nice damn this chick

this chick is

amazing race

she does a slingshot with the

watermelon the watermelon stays in the slingshot

and hits her in the face right here

oh when it gets slow motion

it’s awesome she got knocked out to

a concussion

i mean it looks like she got

blew up in her face that thing is going so fast yeah

no arc to it she got stomped gosh

driven into the turf

yeah that’s not good that’s probably fucking serious

brain damage right there i mean think about what

kind of impact her skull took here

that is like she got vandal a sylvan she got kro copped

reality shows

so dangerous

it’s amazing

that reality shows aren’t killing people left and right

there’s so many times

when we’re on fear factor

where i was like fuck this is

gonna be it this is

gonna be the one

this ain’t good

this ain’t good

and we get through it

yeah and we got through it i was like

there’s some shit that happened

the bull fighting one was the one that i was

absolutely sure someone was

gonna die they had

these bulls we went to this

place that was like a

it was a bull

riding training

place that’s

where we were

gonna do this the stunt

and we had already

gotten going i

think it was in our second

season everybody was real comfortable and saying we

got this we got a hit show in the air this is terrific

so here we got

then everybody was

agreeing to if nbc agreed

to it everybody sort of considered that it was safe

so all of a sudden

there’s this bullfighting

thing and you know how i am with animals

so we’re there

and i go hey i go this is

i’m concerned here

i go what if

what if someone gets

stomp what if someone gets kicked this is a monster

yeah i’m like this is really gonna

are you really

you guys really

gonna do this

yeah and they’re like well

these are training balls they’re

training balls they’re not that

aggressive i’m like

these fucking

balls don’t know they’re

training balls they don’t

speak english they have no idea they’re balls

why did you become such an

alarmist me yeah

thing wasn’t a little kid

really yeah

saw too much violence

too much violence at a

young age it’s like whatever the

story comes up

it’s just a

weird thing it’s not good or bad it’s just like

always be like what

could possibly

happen up to ten

when there’s animals

animals or danger

or or when i don’t

think people

pay attention hey what the fuck what’s this

when your kid that was it like laffy taffy

like i am not

laughing and this is the taffy

what the fuck are you talking your mind

um no i was in

alarms when i was a kid though yeah i was always

assuming that

nobody was paying attention to the fucking

sasquatch was coming the wolf man was

right next door

to watch for nobody knew

and i was the one in the

movie that heard it first

got to warn the town like

guys i know

right you were the paul revere

well i you know when i was really young

my dad beat the shit out of my

mother in front of me

and when i was like five years old

and from that moment i i

think i have always been like

quick to look out for craziness and danger

like here wait

where the fuck is it what’s

going on here that guy

might be nuts

you know it’s

like the fact that my dad did it to my mom

that it was it was so

impossible to beat that shit ever for nothing

and right in

front of me and

she was crying and he’s

yelling at her when she’s on the ground it was rough

really yeah

and i was fine

with jackson

brown style ooh like

fucking this is what it was

she got hamburger i’ve told this

story before but

it’s a fascinating story

she got hamburger at the

supermarket and

apparently you know

he didn’t want hamburger for dinner and

she asked or he

asked what you know

what you get she goes hamburger and he just opened hand

just pounds her in the face

well i mean it was like a

punch it was like an open hand punch

just clipped

clipped her in the face and she

you know she

slammed against the wall and

slammed to the ground i was like whoa

like he is beating the shit out of her and she’s

screaming and crying

and he stand over

screaming at

her and i’m like wow because she got hamburger

yeah it was

my dad was not she deserved it

wow i’m just kidding

yeah we know we know you’re kidding brian

why would your instincts even tell you to pull the

trigger on that one

that’s silly

but anyway it was

from that moment on i

think i’ve been

the dude is like you know let’s just

fucking keep an eye on for everybody you know we

might be around some nutty people here that’s

fucking animal

might come out

and eat you this can happen here that can happen there

since that okay

so i saw that bull and my

nature automatically

these fucking 90

pound girls

i’m gonna ride this bulls bulls like thousands of

pounds it’s this

giant muscled

fucking beast that’s

locked in this

cage and hates it and people are fucking with him and

touching him

and as soon as that door opens he can’t wait to

run out and kick this person off of his back

and every one we did they

just barely

missed getting

crushed everyone

really they almost got

stomped on this

chick almost she

weighed like 90

pounds she got

shook off the back of this bowl

and the foot just went like this

right by her face

right by her face

if the foot

yes if the foot

crushed her face

if that hoof was

six inches to the left or to the

right it would have

crushed her fucking head

he would he

would have kicked her in the face

and shattered

everything she

would have this giant

mass of broken bone and inflated

tissue and cuts all over her face

would have been horrible

it’s it scared the shit out of me that was the one

where i i looked at that and i was like this is

this is a real

roll of the dice here man this is dangerous

that’s craziness

everybody almost got

stomped everybody

almost got gored how did they say it was okay

they just said it was okay

the stunt guys told the fucking

the network that they knew what they were doing

and they said

don’t worry

about it yeah with it

people do them

every day and the amount of danger that it actually

causes is very small

what the fuck are you talking

about those are bulls

their bulls with

their full balls and their dick

and they don’t want you riding them stupid

you know they’re trying to get some cow

pussy and you’re out there

cock blocking

sticking a fucking

a rope around

them trying to ride them get the fuck off me bitch

so they get crazy

that was the only time i was

worried people gonna die

the end what about kanye west

god damn this fucking phone

how about kanye west oh

at amp t

stop cock blocking at amp t

don’t you know i’m running a podcast here son

ladies and gentlemen

sorry for the lack of enthusiasm

and or energy towards the end of this podcast it has

petered out a bit we’re gonna end

strong though we’re

gonna end strong with this kanye west

song it’s not an ending

strong kind of song what are

you talking

about man it’s powerful

if this is the

right video

i hope it wears a polo

shirt this kind

of backpack

i hope that

black colors

pretend like

yeah walks around with a briefcase

who is that dude used to

stand behind them with a bow tie

it was professor

daddy right

professor accident no

brothers and sisters

who was professor x

he was in public yeah

but like who was the one that had to get

rid of no professor griff they had to get rid of right

why because he was saying all kinds of crazy shit

white people

gotta die and they like oh guy no we’re

selling records

to white people yeah professor griff

police that’s

as far as we can go whatever his name was something

prime minister griff professor griff

i don’t remember what his actual name was but he was um

like public

enemy was not radical enough

he want he want to take it to the next level

take this name

so this way they can squash their beef and put a camera

in this let me see let me see what this looks like

was that good

put a camera on it right i have to look out here so

we’ll point it out i can see the screen


this is the worst technology ever reviewing a video

i already hate it

jesus walks is a good song

sounds like the music from bed bath and beyond

what is this look at you look at you

this is awful oh that gets better

what you’ve been putting up with my just way too long

i think the message here is that

just be an asshole

no the media

paints these people

as assholes but really nothing they’ve done is wrong

they’re just regular people

i’m not sure if that’s the message

yeah you’re a jerk off because you go to work every

day listen to him talk

at least you know that’s what i’m good at

yeah i always find it i always find

it yeah i always find something wrong

you’ve been putting up with my it’s way too long

what a contrived performance just the way

he’s moving around and dancing everybody’s on lineup

oh trying to cry

yeah that was hilarious remember he was a gay fish

this is a terrible song

yep the like the message here i don’t get if you

say i’m sorry

or it’s like i didn’t really do anything you

miss you misinform

like you missing porn

about me there’s a

bunch of different

things in this

he’s also saying that

it’s a good distraction for people to pay attention to

other people doing things

fucked up it’s all

it’s just whack

off faggotry

so like we need him to be yeah

he’s this is a guy who’s lost

touch this is

awful stop it

you stop stop it

i can’t take it

i’m sorry i didn’t mean to get violent

who that was

atrocious you’re telling me there’s not more

talented people out there than that that’s ridiculous

you know to

respond to any sort of a bad situation like that

with that that song

like you you you did something fucked up man you

gotta come up with something strong

your your comebacks

gotta be strong or how

about just say

no that was a year ago let’s just move on i

think i told

you so long

ago if you want to do something

about it if that was the whole

premise through getting them on

you both write a song

about the instance

it seems to be that that had was an agreement

right they both had a song

about it you gotta

knock that shit out of the park dude you know

don’t even bother who cares you know get over it i

think if everyone was over it

after like a

month i know people just stopped caring

i’m sure he

heard about in his

world all the time

dude he must have got

crushed from that can you imagine

i bet every interview she did they

asked her about it to the

point where it was like all

right that shit

crushed his soul

he might be done

might be over

what do you

think i said you got a

standing ovation

after that what

the only one of the

night you know

jesus christ i hate everyone i tell you what though

kanye is not bad when he has other

he does shit on

other people’s songs i don’t

know enough about his

music but i know that gold digger song was awesome

that one song

jesus walks fucking love that one song here i’ll

tell you right here

american boy

american boy yeah that was a

great song fire

you wanna hear it yeah okay

i mean american boy it

might be gay and i

might just not remember what’s

wrong with you boy

you sure i like i like them in that song

last chance for romance

right here it’s one of the songs you like

you gonna bet your

money on this

it’s one of the songs you know what i mean you’ve

heard it really times yeah

i’m so out of

touch you’d be amazed

i used to live in the woods remember

did you show that fire

the house did not burn down

house i lived did not burn down but

hundreds of houses near it did

oh this that this that estelle joint all right

i like how you said joint like your fucking

spike league

but they give me a plan and i put the money in my hand

right now instead of a motor we need more seats

we just sold out all the floor seats

me to your kind love to see la

you’ll be my american boy

this a great jam he said hey sisters

i like the hook though the most i like my songs on

i like her voice

marry her

this podcast is literally i don’t like his baggy jeans

but i like what’s underneath them what a dirty bitch

baggy jeans

what she likes what’s underneath them oh that’s what

get that dicks

like cotton underwears

it’s great song though

i love it

some hot british

chick already

should fear meats when he’s in london doing a gig oh

that’s right she’s

black with an english accent

ready to throw down son

she likes you

she wants to kiss you there’s no one like you olive

this is you man this is your song i should fear

any american boy

there was always the

rumors that if you go to

australia they’ll just have sex with your accent really

yeah they love americans over there man that’s what

eddie f tells me

really yeah

yeah he’s over there

he lives over there half the year

yeah he’s huge over there sells out

everywhere over here he gets no respect

you know that arch barker dudes giant

right there

in australia

australia is paradise

well listen

that other kanye

west song sucked

but that one was pretty fucking awesome

if there’s anything we

learned in this life

is to end on a positive

well he’s a

fucking ego maniacal douchebag

okay that’s a

rare song when you don’t know how it’s

gonna be received yet though

no that’s reticle

that’s ridiculous that song is

ridiculous if he

just listened to it he

should be like what the fuck am i doing

what is this

this is ridiculous

it’s terrible

it was just

an ego stroking nonsense look at me i’m a tortured

genius fucking sappy

like a shit

but he’s capable of doing a lot of

great stuff but the

thing is what

it’s like dudes get like

they have this

thing inside them

and they want

to somehow or another

get it out they

want to express themselves they want to express

their brilliance

and then once they do express

their brilliance

and then people receive it as brilliance

then their fucking head blows up and they get

crazy and they’re like see

i was brilliant

and they completely lose

touch of what made them brilliant in the

first place

frantic drive for love and attention

get sabotaged

by too much love and attention

cause that love and attention comes

like unconditionally

the fans love them no matter what the fans are

tripping over them

so they start

thinking they really are the shit

and they start

thinking they really are important they lose

their humility

and when you lose your humility you lose your

creativity and

everything you

start to produce and sucks

it must be hard with everybody telling you


great too word son

droppin the knowledge at 7 26 pm

that’s the end of this podcast

ladies and gentlemen

it has to end some way

it’s always good to end on a

strong note

um thank you to the

flashlight for

sponsoring us if you have not fucked it

you do not know what you’re missing feels

way better than beating off and i know you’re

gonna do that ari

shafir i have one here for you

it’s right the

other side yeah that

extra vaporizer

i have that as well

but you can’t

take it unless you take the

flashlight i have

it’s a package deal take it and

give it to me

don’t give it

to bro why do you

need two flashlights because

why would that be that

thing you need i ruined my

other one well we’re

going to meet chris

from the flashlight

joey diaz and i are

gonna take a tour of the factory

video to follow

video to follow we’re

gonna go straight iphone video

high deaf with a flash

and we’ll upload that shit on youtube

that’s not end with this gay song man you’re hurting me

hit me with some good something good to fade out to

alright thank you for

tuning in everybody

we will see you next week

i’m in austin texas

tuesday night

which is tomorrow

night but it’s all sold out too bad you

snoozed bitches

but i’ll be back

in november

just one show just me and joey diaz

and but i’ll be back in november

for three days so a lot of shows five shows

oh shit here we go

we got me sugar pie

honey buns sugar pies

you’re my sugar pies guys

fan page and

fade to black

ladies and gentlemen

thanks for tuning in love you see you next week

oh were you delightfully

surprised yeah i like this it’s a nice mash up

hold on keep it on for a

second here

i love this

dirty bitch

i hope she doesn’t die

i’m going to england

i want her i want to

party with her

i want to get

fucking hammered with you don’t want to

party with her yes i do it’s not just hammered

i get dude i got fucking massive willpower

i won’t do anything stupid

i think i could

i think i gained something from hanging out with her

watching her

evolve yeah

i think she’s

a real artist i mean she’s a nut and a fucking

banana head she’s crazy

she’s a real fucking artist that that

bitch makes some good songs

she tunes into it i don’t know how she does it i don’t

know what she’s doing to tune into it whether it’s

heroin or you know the heroin’s just a symptom of some

other problems

it might be ruiner but it

might have what made her who she is in the

first place

you know it’s that the ability to just let

everything go and not give a fuck you know and just

tune into whatever the fuck it is you’re trying to make

not everybody can do that man

there’s a reason why everybody locked onto that shit

they know that she’s

she’s exuding

soccer good this is

something real

she’s doing it you know it’s right

what are you doing

what’d you do mr

christine doing another song

what the fuck brian

why’d you do that we were just talking about the song

okay okay stop that’s it

ladies and gentlemen this is

i’m gonna give him a

stern tongue lashing after this weird

grew you didn’t

even pay attention what we were saying were you

i was just gonna show you some more

party ben songs we

weren’t fuck

party ben we’re grooving

about amy winehouse

you know listen to what we’re saying boy

i heard yeah

disrespect i’ll tell you what

amy winehouse was a man he

wouldn’t have done that

you think he’s a homework towards man yes

you got hatred

all right here we go

if i did alert

see it give me something

good to end this with a positive note you fuck

no not this that’s not positive it’s gangster rap

marley in there

the podcast you got some bob marley in there

you don’t what what

what what what stop

enough is enough with him

could you be

loved you can’t say

could you be loved all

right it was

great and then

i overplayed it when you know as a kid and

it to me it’s

annoying oh you guys are gay as fuck both of you

i just finally woke up to it i

loved it for

so long i was like i just i don’t care anymore

it had its wrong you really you just said that

about bob marley yeah

are you sure

fear has no sacred cows

he has talked shit on

bill hicks he’s talk shit on

bob marley now just give my opinion

does not give a fuck he

steps in and

had a great

run tells you

forty years of songs


could you be love

still gets me bro

what is this electric field by mgm

this better not be gay bro

oh he’s gonna think it’s good i guarantee you’re

gonna think it’s good i don’t know i like this song

i like it too

wait for it what is the band again mgmt mgmt

let’s call it the songs called management management

the song is called what oh

and fade

it sounds like prince

fucked hall and oates

they’re the same ones that did this song

let me show you the next song

no okay no i don’t

don’t want you to step to the next song

i love this

moment that people get into is trying to somehow


for their music

somehow brag

about your music like

it’s better or try to convince people that it’s good

but it’s like

you like what you like and you don’t what you don’t

was i doing someone to like was i

doing that they’re like let me show you this next song

it’s not a bad thing

everyone does it now it’s fun

he knows the band

oh he probably knows this song too

is there anything universal is there anything that you

have to like if you have to like to be in the group

is there anything

where you know remember when you’re in high

school like if you didn’t like led

zeppelin come on

man come on dude listen

how could you not like this it’s like i

don’t like just don’t if you don’t you don’t

i like whatever

is there anything universal is there

anything you have to like you know that the guy has bad

taste if he

doesn’t like

like eddie bravo does not like a lot of old

classic rock yeah he

doesn’t like almond brothers and shit like that he

doesn’t like to listen

that shit god dude

i don’t really know their

stuff that much you don’t know almond brothers

play that much

no i couldn’t if you told me

ask the name a song i don’t

think i could

you don’t know midnight

rider you never

heard that song

go on a midnight

rider no on top of the hey

hey we have to have

played that on this podcast for have we played midnight

rider before

i don’t know

find midnight

rider by the allman brothers

it’s one of my all time favorite get

stoned and kick back and listen to songs just cause

it’s one of

those songs that just

it captured that period of time of

music and there’s

these wild motherfuckers who just

drinking and

traveling the

country smoking joints and doing heroin and

going on stage and rocking stadiums

and just crushing people with good fucking music man

midnight rider

is just one of the best

one of the ones

know how that goes

midnight rider is one of the ones

where it’s just

it just it’s

perfect time

capsule of that era

let me hear that shit brian

give me some volume so if i don’t

this is a nineteen fucking seventies dude

sounds like it

i know now this sounds good this song is a jam

my barracuda

i don’t have any

music in that car that’s not from the 70s or the 60s

just out of respect really

yeah cause it’s that kind of car from that

it’s that kind of car it’s a muscle car

with a big v8

smell the gasoline

i want to hear some real american rock from

from when we were alive

before everything just turned to shit

people were wild and taking acid mushrooms and

having fucking love rallies

and the allman brothers were rocking it back down

no internet fuck you

sounds so much worse

this sounds so much worse oh what you just described

i like the song though songs are brilliant

playing it over the internet

yeah it’s beautiful

it survived into the internet

but i’m saying these guys got huge

just by people talking

about how great it was getting on the radio

people going to see him live it’s a different world man

it’s a pure world man no tmz

they could get they freak on

imagine the amount of cocaine and

hotel rooms this guy’s destroyed


i’ll be informed

that itunes gets pissed if you play the

whole songs

yeah is that true

why wouldn’t they they

sell the songs because it’s terrible grainy quality

no it’s not all

right ladies and gentlemen

listen no no good way to end this now

and they say the allman brothers are the shit

especially a few of

their songs

kill it kill that

music brian

thank you arch fear

for coming here

being a part of the podcast

if you were in

room man thank you like i

got it set up here yeah

i will be back

if you are in san

diego this weekend

ari is at the la jolla comedy store

and where’s that at

in 916 pearl street

nine one six pearl

street in la jolla

one of the best clubs in

southern california just an awesome setup

very similar to the original room

in hollywood

at the comedy store

which is one of the best

rooms ever of all time

so this room is just like that la jolla comedy

store is the shit

and who are you there with

ren is easy

steve ren is easy who’s also hilarious and a comedy

store veteran

and he’s been on a gang of shows

he’s from the league

right now the league

the league yeah

great guy too

so go down there and

check them out two shows friday two show saturday

fuck fuck yeah yeah

and can they get tickets online anywhere

yeah probably comedystore com

that’s probably the best

place to do it mail

regular mail

you could send it to 916

pearl street

where are you

going you’re

gonna start envelopes cursive

we’re going to

texas we’re

gonna do cap city comedy club

on tuesday night and then the

ufc is in austin on wednesday night

good times a common son

brian reicle you can get him redband at twitter and

thank you very much for tuning in

again this time

no false advertising we are leaving the show is over

thanks bye flashlight

flashlight com

snake rips in a garage boot

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