The Joe Rogan Experience #45 - Tom Green

according to server right now

lots to look at in this room too

just lots of skulls and

things we can this is

a video that someone did with greg geraldo

greg geraldo doing stand up and ranting

while they played music in the background

for those of you

that didn’t know greg geraldo overdosed

and today he died


so if you didn’t know

greg geraldo very funny very smart very

clever stand up comedian

passed away and they’re talking

about it on the news today so i guess it’s official

socks socks

what can you say he’s very nice guy i didn’t know him

that well i knew

i was on news

radio he was on a show

i forget the name of it but his

set was right down the

street from my set

so i hung out with them you know

quite a few times

super friendly very nice guy very smart

you know he just

i don’t know what happened

i know he had had some substance things

in the past

but i thought i don’t know

who knows i don’t know if this was an accident if

you know if he

just was partying i don’t know did you see him on the

roast the hasselhoff

roast no a lot of people noted something

about him that seemed different than normal

but what they say

they seemed he

looked very coked up

coked up yeah that’s like

quote unquote

look and style it was but i you know i i didn’t i

wouldn’t say

that i can’t say that i look coked up and i’ve

never done coke

exactly people always say

rogan get a lay off the coke you’re all

cooked up i’ve

never even done coke once i’ve

never done coke

tom green is with us

ladies and gentlemen

if you don’t know

and i’ve never done

sound of this man’s

voice to my

right yeah this is

this is this guy sort of a somber occasion

to be here but

but and it was nice to be able to listen

to some of his comedy

today on this

yeah obviously

a sad occasion

that’s great

stuff he was a good dude too he was awesome on

roasts on roasts he

would destroy guys yeah

just perfectly

where there was nothing they

could literally

oh my god leary

did that to him on

tough crowd yeah that

was the most amazing

thing i’ve ever seen on

video and he wasn’t even an asshole

about it he

could have been way more of an asshole

about it he

was actually he did it with

a lot of reserve you know

he was a very nice guy it’s been a

tough year for

robert schimmel

just passed away as well yeah

you know man

i just you know

can i change the

topic now sure yeah because

i’m getting

upset we have

you get me upset we have to say

our sponsor we’re sponsored by the

flashlight yes

yeah i know

it’s first of all this is

cool to be here

it’s exciting to be here

well the reason why

would you have

me up for the show

thank you for being here man

if it wasn’t for you i would have

never even thought to have done this

when i went over your

house when you have me over your

house for your show and

he has this is

what we’re doing here we have like a

couch we have some

microphones we have a desk that i bought at z gallery

yeah this is

awesome this is fucking as low rent as you can get this

old school logitech webcam

but tom has like a serious serious

setup at his

place yeah his

places don’t be

showing everybody our

secrets man

but this is a

whole different

system you guys have here

which is cool

it’s cool to watch and

i’m seeing how you’re broadcasting here

our audio was terrible

for the longest time so we had to tighten it up

so people complained and

we listened so we went out and bought all this fucking

crazy equipment and

we’ve got it down now we have new

microphones we just

tried them yesterday oh

these are new


we used stage

mics the mics used for

stand up oh yeah

great sm 58

sure sound 58

i don’t remember the exact

it’s but there’s a silver

or something sure sure sure

a ch you are

a sure sm58

look that up on google everybody

we are now on some

audio technica

microphones that’s right and

they seem to be

much better no

these are actually for

this on my show

i don’t have

the headphones because

we’re trying to make it like it’s not a

radio show this like a

radio show sources

i did a radio show in college

at ottawa university at

chuo 891 fm look that up it’s an

added element to the conversation

you hear each

other’s voice you can hear your

voice right

there in your ear it’s like

you’re sure

the secret is

definitely the

double cassette player that we use though yeah

what’s that double cassette player

our secrets

our tech secrets

of how we run this

gas oh yeah now yeah

laser disc players and double

track got run

they’re running youtube

videos off on a track

battery operated only

you don’t want any interference yeah it’s it’s very

what’s the word

when something’s all

health or skelter well word

gorilla it’s a

smorgasborg it’s a of wires

it’s a ridiculous pile of shit

we also together

no previous knowledge

you can see the

evolution the podcast like like amoebas

becoming fish

and you can

watch the whole

thing we owe it all to amazon to

yeah amazon com one

click is a motherfucker

what do you need we need one of these bam

but this is

fun like i did

in college i did my radio show

right and it was a

phone and show and we

go there every friday

night at midnight it was called the midnight caller

i did this show for six years

not even when i was in high

school and then

after when i was in

community college i took

television broadcasting at algonquin college in

ottawa canada

named after the algonquin

indians now

i’ve always been curious

about television

broadcasting when you take a course like that what do

they have you do do you pretend to be like a newscaster

it was mostly it’s mostly technical

like it wasn’t on camera

there was one on camera course but it was mostly like

editing video editing lighting


how to work a

video camera how to set all your

technical stuff and we

had one broadcast news writing course

and we had some

single camera video

production and film type courses

but it was mostly

well mostly technical it must

be hard as fuck to keep up

like if you

learn how to

video edit from a few years ago

if you graduated

a few years ago now you go to

today we were

learning how to do it on

three quarter inch

video cassette

okay the video tapes are this big

put them in

these bunt john

you’ve seen

those and it’s like

you know two ab

roll two video tapes

then we got hi8

this was before

computers editing computer editing you know

they’re what they had avids and

stuff but not at the

school they were too expensive at that

point i edited

a paintbrush

yeah oh yeah

started off a

paintbrush did

you really have

movies on paintbrush

is unbelievable

what’s what you can do now it’s just that was

so exciting

about an iphone that’s the most incredible

thing you can produce something attach

music to it edit it

on your phone

are you fucking

phone man d

listen it’s amazing it’s like we are we are in

strange strange times yeah i’m getting the new iphone

within next couple days just cause i

my friend just got it and i’m

i’m jealous

yeah it’s an envious

thing that’s so that’s the

motherfucker of devices he picks it up

he’s shooting

high def video

you know you can

you can yeah you

touch you’ll be seen yeah you touch

the screen and

oh you have one you

touch the screen and

oh you got one already to

know brian are

super you have one

too oh my god

i have the old

oldest iphone ever

serious yeah my

off my phone is the old one

oh you got it

that thing has a

crank on it man

that thing runs on wood

my iphone is like from

the resolutions insane

the photos are insane unbelievable yeah

it’s just amazing

that we’ve got a device like that you know i’ve got

that is like some serious star trek shit

it’s slowly crept up on us from the

motorola razr

to a microsoft

office phones

and then when it gets

to this iphone i mean that is a fucking home computer i

could no longer be

proud of this this way i used to feel about this

well it’s still now

is some old as you keep the case on it

piece of a lot of people

swear on the show

yeah you can

swear some old


this is some old

piece of shit

is what this is that’s a the sad thing

about technology

that’s probably

a few months old right yeah

this is this is a two years old they have

sound boards

have you played

these sound boards

no oh you know i did i did the you have a

sound the imt pain

yes download i

enjoy that i

enjoy doing the imt pain

app we’re talking obscure

iphone apps yeah that’s a good one it’s an auto tune

so you’ve always

from your time

in broadcasting

school to now you’ve always been really involved in the

technology of the behind the scenes

stuff you’ve always

you know i kind of figured

when i was in high school and

i thought it’d be fun to you know

do a tv show someday is

basically what i thought i was watching

david letterman at night

you know and i was

thinking man that

would be the most fun

thing to ever do i was

thinking you know

you know and

little did i know but that

no no it’s a lot of fun

good doing this

stuff but the

thing is is

you know sometimes

sometimes it’s not some fun

but you know the

thing is is you know so i i

said you know no one’s ever

gonna let me do a show i’m

gonna have to go do a show at the

public access station will make her own show you know

we went i went to

school learned how to make the videos

went to the public access station

started the show

wow did it for

seven years

well you became

very popular

because of your public access show that’s what got you

started off you’re

also a rap star too though that’s

basically what got picked up by

mtv was the public access show

and it had a canadian rap

group yeah that was before the public access

show that was when

i was a kid

rapping yeah people

they see this man and he’s very

white and he has a beard and he’s

very automotive

very polite

you know no he’s a badass rapper

tom drink wrap his fucking ass

off listening

to you your shit today man

you have anything on youtube that you could

throw i got it right here

yeah let’s let me hear let me hear tom

green brown

yeah i love rap

music man yeah i take shit for it

i make beats and i

also see that’s the

other thing

before i started doing the

video editing and wanted to do

that i make beats at home so i had like my own little

atari computer hooked up to

a chi sampler

and a keyboard

is this it are you playing it right now oh this

is this is you’re playing something it actually it’s

kind of funny when you play music because

we recorded this song

you know 20

twenty two years ago or something like that

and we were kids you know in our teenager teenagers

and this is us walking around

downtown when is you

tell me when it’s you i’m the one in the red jacket

and i made the music which is essentially a sample

that’s my friend greg

greg campbell and and we

guys are from ottawa yeah from ottawa and

yeah so it was fun we

actually got a record deal when we were in high school

and the song and the

video was playing on tv and everything it was a very

exciting time

for two young rappers from ottawa

this video won the 1992

much music video award cmva award

he performed live on the on the cma

va awards and i covered myself with shaving cream

on for no reason and got up in the lens of the camera

cover myself in shaving cream

so we weren’t like the sort of hardcore

have you auto tune this yet have you tried to like hot

no that’s me rap that’s me rapping


walking through the grocery store

let me hear this i love public enemy

but this is

this is old though

you gotta hear my new shit

gotta hear my new shit alright

where can we get some new shit

i don’t know it’s probably flown around i don’t

know this is

this is the one to look at this is the one to look at

this is really good man

i’ve had a lot of fun surprising

rappers that have come on my web show

actually that’s a

funny clip you could show oh were you and

exhibit exhibit yeah or

maybe you know yeah

go look at it on youtube go to this place i

wanna i wanna it’s

funny cause he starts

cracking up and sort of a funny moment you know

where he’s and

you know but

did you initially want to be a rapper before you became

a comedian not really no i was like i was in high

school and i thought

it was a fun

thing to do on stage at the assemblies was you had to

band battle of the band’s

night it was an excuse to get up on

stage so we made this rap group

i liked listening

to it you know i was listening to like

you know nobody knew what rap

music was in my

high school

there everyone was listening to

you know mainstream

music i was listening to boogie down

productions nwa

public enemy

you know which was not

tribe called quest

these groups

weren’t really mainstream

yet in on the

radio in canada

in the 80s 90s

but yeah so but you know what i was thinking

about this the

other day rap

music back then

is kind of like

it kind of provided

what the internet

provides now

which is a glimpse into

other parts of the

world other

places you know

here was we were in canada

and we’re listening to

these songs coming out of new york coming out

boogie down

productions of the

south bronx and we’re listening them

telling all

these tales of life on the streets in the

south bronx and you’re listening this year going

on a cassette

you know and you’re listening to

your walkman

old school and

criminal minded

the record and you’re like oh man listen to

these stories you know

and so that’s

yeah i was thinking

about that driving over here today

it’s kinda sad because in a way that

might be something that disappears from music now

because of the internet

maybe that’s

gonna screw up music

let’s not be negative

well because we don’t have to go to

music now to get

those kinds of

you know story i

guess we would listen to them on the internet yeah i

think anything good is gonna

stick around yeah there’s not

gonna be anything that’s awesome that’s

gonna go away

you know everybody’s like oh this is

gonna be the

death of music

how can anything be the

death of music when everybody loves

music that’s ridiculous

yeah it’ll be the

death of comedy

i guess i just sort

of more i’m more curious to see how it’ll affect it

or how it’ll evolve

it’ll be good yeah

it’ll be good yeah

well now there’s so many more

places that people who want to make

music and just distribute

their music too

so it’s somewhere more people have access it’s perfect

just us the fact

that we can do this the fact that we can do this and

just broadcast talking over the internet this is just

you can become

famous from bands that little kid

the one that sang that

cover justin

biegra song justin

bieber justin bieber

oh yeah the one on

ellen that ellen

gave a record deal fucking

that was brilliant dude that

was like some

that gave me

goosebumps i

listened to that kid saying it gave me

goosebumps i mean my

whole family

listened to it i was like this is incredible

this kid’s so fucking talented

he’s in a he’s in a high

school like not even was it even high

school yeah no no

middle school and what was cool

about the video was it was it was all girls

in the background you

could see the girls were into it they were

they were crushing yeah

crushing on him that was cool couldn’t help themselves

they were like they’re a little moistening

while they’re sitting up there like thirteen it was

it was interesting

this one girl was

going my god yeah

they couldn’t believe it you know

that’s sort of the

that we have to play play that man

find that shit and play it that’s sort of we know

we’re not gonna play the whole

thing for people what is this the fucking

music show it’s on ellen

yeah you know what fuck that’s the

that’s the dream in high

school though to get up on

stage was on

say something

or do something that everybody in the entire

school you know

is staring at you like michael j

fox in the back to the future playing the guitar on the

stage like you’re from outer

space or something

weird pressure that is for children to wanna

stand out like that like that’s

gotta be so strange for kids i don’t

remember the feeling myself but if you wanted to be

some sort of an actor or something and you were 10

and you were in

school and you

saw some girl that was on a show and she was 10

and you’re like

what the fuck how come i can’t be on that yeah yeah

you know exactly

it’s a terrible way to be raising kids

yeah thinking

about getting

the most attention possible for an almost nothing

like instantaneously become famous

everything that your parents you

know all the character that gets developed from hard

work that’s all nonsense i made it already bang shut up

14 and made it

yeah they put too much pressure on people

huh look at lindsay lohan

especially in this day and age now

where yeah you’re seeing it it’s in your face all the

time you know man

so you could

swear to all the fucking time and

shoving the shit down our fucking

throats okay

true we’re shoving it down

the strangest

thing about hollywood is that hollywood’s

tricking the very people that make it

yeah you know there’s the

grand conspiracy

theory is that like man you know the hollywood

is trying to condition

us to be like

like subservient to our government man and be

patriotic but

no hollywood is giving you what you want to see yeah

hollywood’s giving you what you

wanna see and they’re doing what they like too

they’re making the kind of

stupid shit that they like to

watch yeah you know it’s like

the people that are creating it are just as much of a

victim of the

conditioning as the people that they’re selling it to

people don’t realize that they

think it’s some

grand scheme no

supply and demand yeah people want to see

sex tapes and then see the people go do shows and

watch their lives and sort of see

everything and know everything right do you

watch jersey shore

i’ve seen it i’ve only seen it once but i

enjoyed it a lot i found it i found it very

i laughed a lot watching the show

and i can see why people

watch those guys are like

pretty funny to

write is that the that’s i

guess i’ve only seen it once they’re hammered

up to the camera they’re having a good time yeah you’re

watching people

you know you’re being voyeuristic

right into a completely different

world i’m so

stuck people like with the hills though and

everything like that i don’t buy the jersey

shore like i almost think everything’s fake now well

apparently it’s all set up but i don’t care

it’s encouraging bad behavior

there’s still

even if it’s fake it’s like these people like wow

you watch it it’s like

watching a national geographic special on some fucking

tribe that they found in the jungle

it doesn’t seem like

humans yeah

but it’s pretty

funny man and all they’re trying to do is get

their dick sucked

it’s really kind of funny because

it’s real i mean that really is what

that guy’s doing he’s just trying to fucking hand it

every night

different girls all over the

place he’s showing

you his abs and he’s

going to clubs and girls are

going i mean it’s working

you know it’s

working he’s pulling it off and it’s working

i think the

thing that’s bizarre

about all the reality tv though is

not to over analyze it i

guess maybe i’d be over

analyzing it at that point

but we’re talking

about my broadcasting course they

taught us about


and making documentary we had a documentary filmmaking

course they talk about

when you put a camera on something right

it changes what you’re filming

right so you can

never really make a true

documentary of anything

cause as soon as you put the camera on it

it’s gonna change

what’s going on

like in this case you put the camera on all

these kids in the jersey

shore right

and they’re like okay we gotta go

crazy for the camera

so they go getting in

fights they’re doing all the

stuff that’s true

so so then it’s

gonna and then people gonna

watch that it’s

gonna get worse and

worse then people

gonna have to get more

fights people

gonna start

you know we’re

gonna have snuff

film television

well it’s nah

i don’t think

we’ll ever get

to that point

people don’t want to see that kind of negative

stuff they want to

be fascinated by

close your doors

or total recall

faces of death they

want the couple to make out and then

close the door

that’s what they wanted to stop yeah

it’s all fascinating

to me man because it’s so easy to change behavior by

just putting a camera on it if that’s really the case

if all you have to do is add a camera add the fact that

other people

gonna get to see it and it changes

everything yeah no they’re

still doing this even

if they’re faking it and acting it out i don’t care

they’re still doing all this

stuff on the show and to me

look it’s like

some sort of a national geographic special it really is

yeah i want to

watch it more yeah i can’t help

myself i have

to watch it more

so it really is so yeah they

think they just

get used to the camera and that’s just the way they

would be living life

i grew up with people like that they’re chimps yeah

they’re chimps and they’re

everywhere there’s a

bunch of chimps out there with gold

chains on and

they’re just out there

running around not giving a fuck

about how the

world works that’s

just that’s exactly what it’s like in the jersey yeah

there’s i knew dudes from back when i was in high

school that did not give a fuck how the

world works yeah

all they wanted

do they worked they did like they were electricians

they would work

and then when they get off work

they’d want to get fucked up and go get late and they

didn’t know anything they didn’t know what was going on

i have no idea

didn’t give a fuck didn’t pay attention what am i

gonna do my foul fucking politics

will go out and get my dick suck come on what am i

gonna do here

what am i gonna do my foul politics

yeah that shits

that shit ain’t real yo

that shit ain’t real

i grew up with dudes like that so when

i see like them putting cameras on people like that

i go oh no yeah they gave these

savages a fucking camera

they gave them air time

actually now i’m

starting to

i’m a little bit mad at myself that i

haven’t watched it more i

think i’ve been

withdrawing a little bit from

television me too

last couple years

purposely not

watching anything

other than cnn

actually is pretty well all

for instance

i don’t even

watch american i

watched american idol because everybody

watched it i don’t

watch that i don’t

watch that i don’t

watch anymore i used to like

watching the people suck in the beginning

can i get them

like what’s

wrong with you you sick fuck you

wanna watch people fail

yeah i was like

how’s that fun you know

every now and then you see one that’s brilliant well

guess what i’ll find that one on youtube okay

you know tell me some amazing

thing like that susan

what was her name the one

who really sang

yeah susan ness

susan boyle boyle

susan boyle

susan boyle yeah

i mean that was that was fascinating i mean that was

that was really incredible i mean she had an amazing

voice but how many

hours do i have to sit through

of bullshit before i get to that yeah

and it was the yeah

and it was a perfect

moment and it was just sort of the perfect perfect

thing that happened there yeah

but you know

to me the thing is

i don’t like

that i used to like the beginning when they were

fucking up too at the beginning and

making fools of themselves the beginning

but now it seems like the people coming in are

coming up on purpose

to fuck up well

you know i don’t know i can’t

watch that anymore

and then the

music all sucks on the

radio now cause it all comes out of that same

thing right all the

music now does not suck man

it’s all coming out of that same funnel it’s like oh

we gotta do a really good jefferson airplane

impression you know

you know you

think so i can’t

stand the new

music there’s always good

stuff man you just

gotta find it there’s just

so much stuff well

that’s the problem see i don’t know how to find it i

agree i know there is good

stuff cause there is good

stuff that i find i can hear sometimes

just going through life now

like when you’re walking

you’re in an elevator you’re walking through a mall

or you’re listening to the

radio or the mainstream stuff

it’s all the shit

yeah that’s true you don’t

you have to you know i don’t i don’t listen to college

radio anymore i don’t know what the station is

and so i don’t know how to find the cool


stuff you do pandorado

yeah i did i

do do that but i don’t know what to type into a

search cause i

favorite people you know

when you’re not when you’re in

school and stuff

and you’re around people but i’m in my living room you

know what really sucks man

the loss of

the dj the loss of the dj the dj to me is one of the

things i miss the most

about the radio

about growing up and listening to the radio

i would listen to

guys and listen to the shit that they like to listen to

they were cool guys

and they would like

there was a charles lockwidera

was this guy who used to do the big mattress show on

i think it was wbcn

bc and rcoz

back in boston

and it was like this

morning show

where he would go on and it was a comedy show and they

would fuck around but he

would play songs too

you know and he played the shit that

he wanted to hear yeah and you’re like that’s funny

i like that guy’s

point of view

that’s the music he likes yeah

there’s this guy in my fiorento

mark parento was the afternoon dj

and he was a big supporter of comedy too he always did

comedy competitions and shit

and he would play the shit that he wanted to hear

and you got a

sense of what

this cool guy likes this

music i tell you

why he likes this song

what’s so badass about it

check it out

and he plays it and it’s like

you have enough

that’s a show

that’s a show

what they’re doing now is just

sticking all sorts of songs

that they think

they can get you to pay attention to together and then

you know they

throw them in there

there’s no one

there’s no one personality behind it it’s not

there’s no yeah the

radio dj is

showing i don’t

think the radio djs really

have much of a choice in what they put on there no they

don’t this is

kinda their own

voice you know their

voice there’s an art to being a true fan of the

music and going out there and listening to different

stuff and collecting your own

you know your own favorites and

saying look at this cool shit that i got yeah that’s

what i missed that’s what i’m trying to say i miss

right there because it’s like now

you listen to the

radio it’s all been

focus group tested out this is this this

sounds like this this is the so and so

american idol

american idol this

sounds like american idol

this all sounds like a

and then it all

sounds the same to me

brian and i have very and i

sound like an old guy now now i

sound like an old guy

right because i just

turned 39 years old i just turned 39

and i got one

good old guy

yeah one year but

from 40 i’m

starting to

sound like my dad saying none of the

music today is good

everybody says that when i was everybody says that

but there’s good

stuff you just have to find it it’s just hard to do

brian and i have very similar

taste and brian is always finding me cool shit

he’s always finding he’s like he’s an internet fiend

he’s always

connecting i always look forward to it

new cool shit is fun man there’s a lot of

it out there it’s just there’s so much to sift through

yeah there’s so

much data pandora

helps me the most and you know just being at a club and

hearing a really good

dj and i’ll hook up the kids

sam shazam or whatever

and then that shit finds me some

crazy shazam

if you don’t

know if you don’t have that program on your phone

the most incredible thing you

wouldn’t even believe it’s real

you hold your

phone up to a

speaker oh it

plays the song

and it tells you what the song is and

unless you buy it on your phone

sound snap actually lets you hum

a song so you’d be like

i told that to

eddie and he’s like that’s impossible

he’s trying to tell me

about music

chords look

at that and that and this

i’m like i’m telling you they do it that’s what it is

it’s just wave

forms you know that’s what it does it

takes the song it makes it a waveform like a

picture like a jpeg

and it just puts it in a database

analyzes yeah analyzes and it’s like

matching fingerprints it’s

actually pretty brilliant how it works and

it’s not that big of a

deal if it’s you you guys

are we even

gonna know when the computers take over are we even

gonna know we’re not even

gonna know no

they’re gonna take over so quick dave

started with the ti 81

i think what are you doing dave

it’s real how how

remember how

would you like to play a game analyze it in

seconds and tell you what the song is

listen to it analyze it

break it down to a

piece of data

and then spit

it back at you with options to purchase it

all in seconds yeah

and they can do it for


every fucking song there is out there i’ve

never had it

failing me once you ever had it failing me once

but it was also like a

remix version so it was

other shit mixed

so this is just you hear a song you like it

you want to know what it is you pull shazam up

it tells you what it is downloads it

and buys it for you without

even asking it in your car

seconds later if your car’s bluetooth

bam it’s playing in your car that’s amazing i want bum

bum song cause it’s like when

i was when i was

doing my rap

group back then i was a teenager

we were back then it was all about

sampling loops

right so you’d hear loops of music

breaks of music so

we go into the

radio station all the time always looking for

cool beat breaks and

stuff so you hear that you’d always hear

stuff and you

wouldn’t know

what it was

and you do that

but they don’t

but you know let me ask you

a question can i ask you a question please okay cause

i’ve noticed you have a lot of buddhas around the

house right

yeah is that okay if i say sure yeah sure

because i had a buddha

and i really

like them a lot i had one at my

house okay it was

when i got my

house it was there already i didn’t get the

buddha the buddha was there already it was a fountain

it was on a

pole it was a big fountain it was

about the size of you know

that poster there big concrete fountain

and i had a meeting one day with

a television

executive at my house

and we went up on the roof of my house

and we had a meeting just a

discussion having a beer talking

about some ideas

television ideas

and we hear this

enormous crash

we go down and the buddha has just

for whatever reason the pole is on this

metal pole is

smashed it has fallen

it is smashed into a million pieces

and gone into my

swimming pool

and i’m looking at it and i’m just

thinking okay

apart from like

i really missed the

thing is that

a sign of something that no

okay good no it’s not

like swimming if it was a donald duck

statue it still

would have fallen

so it’s just there’s no

magical property to having a buddha in your house no

it’s just a nice

thing to look at i am fascinated by ancient

asian artwork

fascinated by buddhas and thai buddhas and

the fact that they’ve you know

looked that way for hundreds and thousands of years and

all these different people

depict these

things in different artistic ways

and that the buddha

is a character of

peace you know

the idea of

these thai buddhas to me means to me it’s

a beautiful artistic representation of enlightenment

you know it’s calming too to

look at right yeah

i like calming

i love their artwork i love shivas

i love hindu artwork

i love a lot of thai artwork

some of the most fascinating

stuff it’s one of the coolest things

about living in la

is that you have access to all

these importers

they import this really

a lot of this beautiful hand carved

stuff from thailand

would you guys ever have a mummy

like a real mummy

mummy in my

house like a dead guy yeah like

wrapped up like that

would you should morbid man it’s like why

you know i mean i

guess if you wanted to like have it in

glass like in a room somewhere and shit but

everything to

post it’s a

weird yeah it’s a

weird message you’re sending i just don’t like the

smell of embalming

fluid what if

they don’t buy

something like always bothered me

embalming fluid

have you ever heard of

self mummification no

self mummification was a practice is

and it’s been done

several times by

these monks

and one of the

things they do is they eat

nothing but

very very lean foods

they eat like seeds

and nuts and they go through rigorous exercise routines

for like three years

where they virtually

strip their body of all its fat

and then they start

drinking this crazy

tonic that’s

semi poisonous so it

doesn’t kill them but it fucks them up nice and slowly

and it keeps maggots from growing on them

get this then they

climb into a sarcophagus

after they’ve done this for a while

so their body’s

ready to go

they climb into the sarcophagus and they

close the lid

on them and there’s just an air hole and a bell

so the guy stays in the lotus position

like that new

movie with the he stays in the lotus position

with the air hole in the bell and

every day if he’s alive

he rings the bell

and the day that he

doesn’t ring the bell

they seal the coffin up

and then he’s in there for good and he’s mummified what

self mummification why do they do that now

cause they’re fucking nuts yeah

where are these guys are they

still doing this

today yeah is this

legal or is

this not a mummification

porn who’s laws

yeah where what

where are they going

i believe it’s in

tibet if we find

right yeah you

should actually

stop this is there

i don’t know

start a campaign to stop this

crowd brian why

don’t you google

self mummification

i know because

i know that it’s something that has been done

they have these

mummies man and they’ve you know taking the lids off

their their sarcophagus is in there

in the lotus position

and their fucking

robes on and

their mummies it is the

creepiest that’s

dedication to whatever it is that you’re doing it for

fuck they’re taking it to the next

level man total

dedication they’re taking it to

they’re poisoning the maggots

okay how about that

they’re taking some shit that kills the maggots now

by the way i’m reading this on the internet

who knows how much of this is true but

i might be says it’s a form

of suicide so

yeah so let me have

low suicide it

takes years man

so there is a lot of

stuff on the internet that we read that is not true

and that is true now you were talking

about the ufos last

night at your show

which was hilarious by the way and

it was great running

india over yeah

we ran into each

other at a club jay

davis is going

doing this little club what was it called the parlor

the parlor yeah on melrose

so found a nice little

place but the ac

was out it was wack

they were it was really cool crowd

because even though

it was like a fucking hundred degrees in there like

literally it was at

least a hundred degrees

in there fucking

drink like crazy

so high yeah

the plus it was the

crowd was very polite

i felt like i was imposing talking to them i felt like

yeah i felt bad i felt

like i was doing something by making them sit there and

watch me no

no no it was hilarious it was awesome it was

great it was a

great surprise

i didn’t know you were coming out we’ve been

know you know we

haven’t seen each

other in a couple years i have a

bunch of questions i want to ask you because

i’ve you know i’ve

started trying to do

stand up comedy this

year i’ve been doing it this year you have been doing i

haven’t laughed

some of your

stuff i’ve been doing i’ve been

going all over the world

some clips not trying

to do it i’m doing it goddamn i do it i’m sorry yeah

no i said i said that i’m

sorry for you no yeah yeah

yeah it’s a whole new

world isn’t it yeah

it’s a very

but i want to ask you some questions

about that but

yeah so i’ll ask you

right now i guess

go for it or were we gonna

talk a bit more

about the show last night

well the show last

night was a lot of fun

i was bill burr

went up and did a

bunch of new shit

oh and bill burr’s

comedy central special airs

again this october 1st

i believe it is fucking hilarious

very fun if you

haven’t seen it

check it out and it’ll be

good for him too he really wants to get ratings in this

thing because he wants to do more of them

and if you’re a fan of

stand up comedy bill burr is one

of the best he’s one of the best guys out there today

very few guys that

consistently nail it the way he does

he’s really good he’s a really well

that’s i went down there to see bill last night

because i met him at the montreal comedy festival

and this is what’s been fun

about doing

stand up is i’m getting to go to a comedy festival

and hang out with a bunch of

funny people everyone’s having a good time

you know i saw

doug stanhope up at the montreal comedy festival

he had this awesome

party in a in a car wash

you know it was like it

was good times well he calls it just for spite

yeah and he does it

opposing the actual

right right he’s not part

of camera right that’s

right he’s not part of the festival

headband and this was this

whole sort of controversial

thing that was

going on up there but it was actually quite

funny because he had this amazing

party in this

a car wash right across the

street was it really

great yeah it was really cool

what was it like

well so it was the bar closed

right and then it’s like okay well the bar at the

hotel closed and then everyone said well you know doug

stanhope’s having a

party in a car wash across the street

what we walk out across the

street and now it’s

three in the morning now

right so those bars are closed we walk across

literally right across the

street from the

hotel the main

hotel for the festival

there’s this

like the smallest car wash

you know it’s got the garage

hoses everywhere

and it was just you know you know

buckets of beer and we were there to like

seven in the morning or something like

that so that’s

a good time

lots of people

couple hundred people in there in this car wash

that’s awesome

so you just put together a

party yeah it was really it was really good so

but awesome move he said what

what happens if people

drive drunk and

stuff i don’t

think any of them

drive i think they’re all taxis and

stuff really yeah

that’s a nice move

but you know the

thing that’s cool

about it is like you know

so we go over there i’m at the montreal comedy festival

and i met bill burr and he came and saw my show

and then last

night i thought

you know i’m

gonna go see bill’s show

go see bill show

you pop out on

stage unexpectedly next

thing you know i’m up here at your

house we’re

drinking cups of coffee

delicious coffee

and doing some

some webo vision here right

it’s pretty cool

it is cool it’s totally we talked

about twitter a couple of times

i’ve said hey you know

joe check this

out i’m on the road i sent you a couple of my

trailers for my stand up

we’ve had enough

and see them on tom

green com go on tom

green com have a look at

some of the

trailers of the touring around doing this

but for the

folks on itunes it’s tom green live

if you want to find him on twitter

go at tom green live because they can’t see this

where it’s absolutely

at tom green live is my twitter yeah

still releasing that move

that movie yeah

pranksters yeah

prank star yeah that’s

that we’re working on that one still

i can’t wait

well it’s kind of

it’s kind of a it’s kind of a top

secret it’s not finished okay i’ll finish

well i have

to tell you i can’t really tell you what’s

about because i’m not sure i even know yet because

we’re still

kind of in the process of finishing it cool cool yeah

yeah i want you to do more

movies man i really

enjoyed freddy

god finger oh yes hilarious yeah yeah yeah

thank you you went out there with that man you took a

crazy chance

yeah i think it

shocked a lot

of people they didn’t know what to do with it

because it was so out there but dude

this like it was one of the ultimate

stoner movies

if you’re a stoner

go get freddy if you

mean people like

know a lot of people haven’t

haven’t really heard

enough good reviews of it yeah

really fuck

it i did a girl

thank you voted

that all day

that scene with the baby

when the the giving

birth huh fuck

i want to say

anymore i don’t want to ruin it i don’t want to

learn a way to your comedy but yeah

yeah no well let me

tell you the thing that

thank you for saying that because really

funny you know when you when you

you get thrust into this situation

where elves

and i had an opportunity to make a movie

you know to

write i wrote it

obviously was

just trying to make the

stupidest movie we

could think of

right let’s make it the

stupidest thing ever and then

you know the studio

at the time i had all this

opportunity to make this they said okay they had all

these directors i said i

wanna direct it too so then they let me direct

it so now i’m

swinging bloody

babies around

and you know jacking off elephants and stuff

and you know getting inside

your carcasses and doing all this

stuff right

and then you know you’re working on this

thing for like a year

right you know

working on this

thing for a year non stop

you know you’re casting it you’re

picking all the props you’re making sure oh

the guts that come out of that deer carcass look like

rubber to me and then the prop guys like well we’re

gonna put some

blood on it and it’s

gonna go well let’s see what that

looks like and they do it you look at it you’re like

no it still looks like some rubber we got to get some

real guts and they’re like well we don’t know how we’re

gonna make real

guts come out of the carcass when you cut it and then

they go off and

these are like

that are professionals

you know and they go off and they

come back the

next day and they go okay we’ve rigged up this

compressed air that we’re

gonna put in the back of the taxidermy deer you’re

gonna run your

knife down the slit

it’s gonna shoot

out real pig guts that we’ve got at the butcher shop

you know and

i’m draped in pig guts and i’m doing all this

you’re doing all this

stuff right and you’re

thinking okay this is

crazy this is

gonna look crazy

then the movie comes out

everybody like you know

basically you know

reams you like you’ve

never been reamed before in your life at this point

you know i mean

local papers and people

and you feel

completely kind of confused

about it right because you’re thinking

shit i thought it was pretty fucking

funny i don’t know what’s wrong with me

right so then but the fun thing

about it is

after that initial weekend

and the whole sort of

everybody talking

about your movie being

you know crazy and

disgusting and all this stuff

you i’ve been on tour this year doing

stand up and it’s been so much fun because

there’s a lot of nut jobs out there in the

world that like that love the

movie and it’s

part of my show now when i do my stand up

i do a little guitar at my show in the middle and

i sing a couple

like daddy would you like some sausage i sing that with

everybody sings it with me

and then people

start shouting out some of

their favorite bits

but i’m surprised

i went all across australia

canada next

month i’m going to be in a

toronto belleville

hamilton and london ontario and

people come to the shows and

you know are

shouting out all these

things from fred it’s awesome it

feels a lot

i guess what i’m saying is

thanks for bringing it up this is what i

think this is so

great to be

out and actually getting all this positive feedback

about the movie

because i was made to feel like this

is murdered

somebody this

is what i think

now if you’re a

victim of a pre internet

review system

it was a bunch of foggy

old douchebags and

the way people looked at things was

you couldn’t just

what year was freddy got fingered

it was 2001

who the fuck was on the internet back then

you know what i’m saying it wasn’t the same as

2010 and the thing

2010 you get your reviews from ain’t cool news com

like that kind of shit like

i always go to fandango or something

i get my reviews

online all day i want to use

this moment

as a real opportunity for me to actually talk

about this for a

second okay

i directed this

movie it all

wrote this whole

thing everybody

freaks out on it it’s pre internet right

the other day i went and i looked at

netflix okay at the reviews of the

movies right so i did this just two days

ago and i looked at the reviews of freddy got fingered

the point of making that

movie was to kind of like

be polarizing

right it was supposed to

be ridiculous

it was done in a way

where i think that 50

of the people who

watch it are

definitely going to hate it

more than anything they’ve ever seen in

their entire life

right and that was the goal

to you know in the joke

cause obviously the

other 50 of the people are

laughing at the 50

of the people that hate it and

that’s the joke right

so i went on netflix and you’re reading the reviews and

it’s pretty much 50 50 people are giving it either you

know a good

review or the

worst review you’ve

ever read in your life back and forth back and forth

and these people are just arguing with each

other about it

and i’m looking at

here we are 10 years

later after i made this thing

and looking at

these people having

these passionate arguments

completely on opposite ends of the spectrum

that’s pretty

funny i like that go

read the reviews on the

sequel i really

truly believe that if that

movie came out today it

would be an internet

phenomenon people

would be so into it

i think it’s

it was a fucking fun

crazy movie make it 3d

well i’m hoping to make another

movie this year

since you asked

about the movies i’m hoping to make another

movie this year

which is gonna be called insane

prank movie

and it’s gonna be just a bunch of

crazy pranks

street stuff

but you know it’s

gonna be sort of a well don’t get beat up man i’ve been

hearing you

telling me you’re getting in

fights what’s

going on oh yes that’s

right yeah i am i’ve

been in two

fights you’re

grown man i will

carry around a bow and i will not get in

i was defending myself both times what happened

i was attacked both times

by who i was a by strangers

both times for what reason

well the first time

i was attacked

where was it

where does take

place is about

two years ago

in new york city

and did the guy know you were tom

green the he

was he was somebody who

was somebody

i don’t know i don’t know he was somebody who was

an acquaintance

of somebody who i knew

and now i’m

starting to get

worried about getting

into the details because what really happened was

quite intense

quite intense

why are you worried

about getting into well because

you know i don’t know i just

thinking now all of a

sudden i’ve

never really talked

about this on the radio

and that’d be kind of

weird what’s

weird when you get in a fight with

somebody up tom green

no he i was

punched in the head

and i retaliated

right and then did you

whoop that ass

you know did you get all up in there

beat that ass

essentially yes

essentially yes yes

i was not heard

probably shouldn’t give out the details because

you know yeah

yeah i just

don’t get sued you’re tom green

well you know

i was somebody

punched me in the head and and so i had to

think kind of

thing kind of thing

but then the

other solid jaw

take a good shot

right there

right there

had a bump the next day it was it was did you

gray out or did you

stand your ground

i was actually sitting down

he punched you when you were sitting down huh

wow what did you do

were you getting

blown by his

girlfriend while we sit i

was i was sitting beside his

girlfriend you were

yeah or some

girl that you knew

but i wasn’t really

you know i was

also with a girl who was my friend who was

sitting beside me on this side and we were all friends

or she was friends with them

so anyways this is the point

let’s move past that the

point is you got in

fights i got in a

fight so then the

second time around okay

you’re a veteran

by now you’re

ready for that

and this is actually something i can ask you

about for advice on this

because this is

about controlling your temper

right this is about when

somebody comes at you and you know you’re a

fighter so you know

about this stuff right

i don’t know

about this stuff

but what happened

you go into

this sort of post traumatic stress disorder kind

of everything goes in slow motion

well you know that’s one of the best

things about

learning martial

arts is that you become confident in your ability

to defend yourself

not you might not always be able to defend yourself you

might there

might be guns and weapons and all but

you’re not gonna feel

completely helpless

you’re gonna feel like you have at least

confidence if you have a chance you can do something

whereas a person who

doesn’t know how to

fight at all and has no experience

it’s such a

paralyzing feeling when you in the presence of violence

so i mean you just wanna

cover up in a ball you just

wanna try to protect yourself you don’t know what to do

so this first occasion had a

bad feeling this

first occasion happened cut to

three months

maybe six months later

i’m walking down sunset

right mel’s diner okay just

got the stitches

taken out yeah


for some reason

somebody comes up behind me i was i

think i’d actually had a few

drinks that night me my friends

were being somewhat obnoxious

oh talking loudly

being generally idiots on the

street yeah

and some and some guy saw me

being kind of an

idiot and came walking up to me and my friend that was

brian by the way and he said hey

man i wanna kick your ass

right now just like that no reason okay he said

i’m gonna kick your ass right now

this guy was actually you know

smaller than me

which i thought was strange and he’s coming out of

nowhere and we’re in the dark and there’s no one around

right by paquito

mass outside

mels mel’s diner on sunset

i look at him my friend looks at him

he my friend says

are you serious dude

and he goes yeah

and then my friend for whatever reason goes okay

and goes like that

so then this guy’s running at me but

because of the previous

situation i’m now in like the slow motion mode

like he’s coming at me and i’m gone

well this is not gonna be

i just so i went at him and i just put my

hands on his neck

right and i put my hand behind him

i kind of lowered him down onto the ground

and i put my fist up in his

face like this and i said i don’t want to hurt you man

i don’t want to hurt you

i don’t want to hurt you

right and he said

and his leg was

kind of flapping up on the side on my body like this

and i had him

pinned on his back on the sidewalk and he said

okay man okay

and i got up

he walked away

wow so then how for rape

choke to the

mount position for

those of you don’t know what tom

green was doing yeah

grabbing the hand in a

bitch where’s my money grip

and then he had a fist up yeah

and he just it just kind of

ended it diffused the situation

nobody got hurt

um and you know

that’s i think that’s something

that people need to know is to you know there is this

flash of a moment when somebody attacks you

where you kind of go into this animal mode

right you’re not in complete control

right and then

after you know

you got it you

gotta kind of

be able to control that

a lot so now are you like paranoid that everyone’s like

gonna attack you like do you like i’m

at the all of no

actually less

paranoid now because i now know i got i got

i’ve got i got that sort of

it sort of like a throat

on the ground

you’re always

thinking about it

right well the

other thing is

that only worked because he was

he was coming at me fast and he was sort of

smaller than me i don’t think that

would have worked if he was bigger than me i don’t

think that would have worked if

he knew anything yeah if he knew

anything that

would have worked

did you fight a lot he

was probably really really

drunk and it was just

to me it was

exciting though because i

haven’t been in any sort of physical altercation

since i was at a

you don’t want that kind of

excitement if you want that

kind of excitement

go to jiu jitsu

class yeah jiu

jitsu you get to

spar you get to go full

blast with each

other and trying to kill each

other with your bare hands it’s awesome

you get all that shit out and you don’t have to

get in fights on

where it was

scary is there on your belt yeah look

conflict is i was a

certain amount of

certain amount of

excitement primal

excitement that comes from

conflict but it’s very dangerous man oh my gosh

when you add an alcohol you guys are walking on the

street making a fuck load of noise

no this is the

thing i’m so

paranoid about it since then

that i’ve actually kind of


really laid off the

sauce a bit

right because

i realized that

you know although

i didn’t really kind of

i got attacked right

right but it was due to my own sort of loud obnoxious

behavior and that’s what i’m saying like do you

learn from that

right yeah you do you do and you but it’s i

think it’s called

drunken this

is wondering do

short things you can do if you’re really loud out

in public that’s a douche

it’s when you’re in your 20s

being drunk

out at the bar and being crazy

yeah it’s part of life

it’s part of

life but i just turned

39 years old

and i’m thinking to myself

that’s not cute anymore really

totally it’s not cute it’s not cute when it annoys

other people that’s what it is yeah you know and i

never used to

think about that when i was younger

i just think

about i just we’re having fun fuck it whoo yeah yeah

we’re having fun who gives a shit and then as you get

older you start

going wait a

minute but if we’re having fun at

other people’s expense

this shouldn’t be fun

should be annoying to me too i

should be embarrassed

yeah you know

yeah so you’ll

learn not to be a douchebag

yeah exactly

and yeah that’s exactly what

move that you’re not

ready to go to

yeah i think you

might want to

i’m gonna show you will

go into my my cage in the garage and i’ll show you some

counters that oh yeah

be very careful

i would i would

appreciate some

self defense not that i want to grab you

don’t extend your arm

gonna make sure you

do it correctly i’d like to take some some jiu jitsu

course like crop

magaz fun too it’s like a combination of

things and they

they give you like a lot of

stuff like this is what you do on the

street when a guy comes

after you but

you can’t prepare for

everything on the street

you don’t really know what the fuck if a guy’s

gonna have a gun or a

knife or you’re not

gonna really

no you know

you’re better off just getting really good at

any sort of a martial art

like you know

you’re really

gonna get good at

knife defense

uh huh that’s

yeah that seems like a

waste of time yeah

considering no one’s ever

pulled a knife on you in your

life stay away from douchebags keep your life clean

let’s hope we don’t get

stabbed yeah

don’t be going on practice

every day because one day you guys

gonna have a knife

there’s this fat guy has his website on

all sorts of

attacks like

a knife against a

knife how he will

block this knife

and then he will attack this means a fat fuck

that’s hilarious he’s

completely out of

shape and he’s like

he’s actually kind of a

he’s half decent writer but

totally completely delusional

martial arts guy

and so he’s got these


videos where a guy will come at him with a knife

and he will

block this knife and cut to the guy’s body

and go behind him and he cuts like

major organs

and i’m looking i’m like this is the most ridiculous

thing i’ve ever seen in my life you preparing for a

knife fight that

would never happen

why don’t you probably

cause of the preparing for it

is increasing his odds of being killed he’s

crazy by like 10 000

times carrying

knives on him

everywhere you know

he’s asking for a

knife fight

he’s begging for a

knife fight is nuts

yeah you know

what the fuck’s wasting

their life preparing for

knife fights

this is funny sometimes i look down here at the

stream and then i see you and i’m

thinking that i’m looking at you live but it’s a

delay right yeah let’s not look

at it because i don’t want to confuse you it was funny

it was confusing me because comedians

man they’ll go off in a drift yeah

it was like

i was looking at you’re

laughing over there and i’m like wait a

minute i’m not saying anything

funny right now

oh wait he’s not

laughing that was

a few seconds ago

something was very high

tech we’re on a

delay in case you

start getting crazy and

curse our government

yeah this is cool and now so

we’re broadcasting on itunes this is

on itunes it’s on the xun

marketplace it’s on

all sorts of different things

oh this is cool this is cool

now so yeah so

stitcher number one in canada

comedy a few times

on the itunes

okay yeah see this is something that i was

awful canada

i’m gonna start trying to do a podcast myself for the

first time and

starting next week so

it’s gonna be fun

you’ve always

been in that kind of community access channel

you were always making

videos you actually

changed everything when you had your show on

mtv in my opinion

my whole age group

i’m 36 but you

took my idea making

stupid little

videos and going wow look

what he’s doing he’s actually doing it for realsies on

mtv you know

you’ve really

changed that

whole market you

it’s pretty pretty amazing career that you’ve had man

that was an

exciting time

it was a obviously

those most exciting

time watches

blown brian yeah

you know maybe we wait till the show’s over and

that’s one of the most awkward

things ever we out in

the driveway

or something like that like really like when dug

stan opens here i was trying to say like really good

things about him but i’m like it’s so

weird saying that he’s

right here and it’s

broadcasting in

front of the

world what a

great show though you come up to join

house you have

coffee you get a blowjob

i think a lot of people though

i think a lot of you’ve inspired a lot of people

yeah you inspired me to do this man do this online

when i came over to your house i’m like wow

oh yeah i remember how

excited you were

about it and you talked to the there was a

document or a

i was an entertainment tonight canada or something

like that and he said you were very

excited about it and i thought well this is cool

this is actually

maybe maybe this is not

a waste of time doing the show in my living room joseph

we knew that eventually it was

going to get to the point where the internet and the

television combined it hasn’t totally happened yet

but it’s pretty close

it’s a small adribble you know

i can get like i have a dvd player that lets you go to

lets you go to different

sources and get

movies netflix

yeah and even youtube

it allows you go to youtube as well

and you stream

get thing you

stream i don’t know

about you stream

no i think so

no i think i was

wrong i think it was youtube

but it’s close

you can get the internet is

bringing content to your

television it’s just doing it through

outside parties now it’s not

quite as accessible as

i would yeah

i worry that it’s

gonna get all controlled so that you know

you end up everyone gets some box they’re

watching the internet on

their tv but

it’s not the real internet you know it’s just the

stuff that the shows that

get bought by

time warner

cable and do they decide to play on the internet

which then all of a

sudden you don’t have

the internet you have this sort of just

other way of


television that’s you know on demand but

it’s not free

net neutrality

right you know

we need to make sure

and i don’t know a whole lot

about it but

i was talking

about this the

other day with my friend and he said net

neutrality is a big

issue right now

they’re talking about

well since you’re in hollywood

since we don’t know a lot

about it let’s

argue about it

yeah since absolutely

one of us know the

points yeah

so i just think

that we gotta fucking stop this man

that’s how we rocket here in hollywood

just argue about shit we don’t even know about

well you know that’s

i was on stage

with some guy

some guy in the audience just decided he was

gonna heckle

and this is what he heckled

he goes even stephen

hawking said

that the universe

proves there must be a god

like he was arguing with me

angry at me and this is what he was saying

and then stephen

hawking came out

last week but

that’s not what stephen

hawking said you

see stephen

hawking came out two weeks ago and said that there is

no god exactly so i’m like dude you didn’t even read it

you didn’t even read it and

you’re arguing it you’re yelling it out publicly yeah

and stand and see that’s la that’s my

point that was los angeles you don’t know anything

about anything just argue it

yeah not only did he argue it he yelled it out

i don’t even know what i was talking

about i forgot because it was so

ridiculous what he said

but he yelled it out like from the side of the

stage like it was like an important

point for him

did you have a conversation with him

about it very

little i talked to him a little bit from the

stage i tried to be nice and just

segued into the rest of the show

but he just wanted

it was a weird

thing it was like he was a guy that just wanted to

argue like it was a game like he wanted to play

catch with me

have you noticed a lot more heckling joe lately

no no not lately it comes and goes there’s cool

crowds and not so cool

crowds and it’s always the

crowds are always

cool there’s just always a few douchebags

a tiny few amount of douchebags

but that’s all you need

you know if you have

three hundred people in a

in a comedy club all you need is

three douchebags and you got an

issue you have to deal one douchebag and you got an

issue so some

do you like that or

no i would way rather have just a fun show

like in indy

stressful when you

start yelling

i did two shows in indianapolis last friday

never been to

indianapolis for comedy before it was fucking

great man the

crowds were

super cool dude

everybody super friendly and fun it’s a nice like easy

going place

yeah and it’s a decent size city it’s a million for

million four

hundred thousand people so it’s a it’s not a small town

yeah and just really fucking cool friendly people

you know i like that man i don’t

wanna deal with some fucking douchebags

who need attention

that’s annoying man it’s like

i want to tell you

i want to pull him aside and

take him away from everybody and

go dude just get your shit together man

you see what you’re doing you’re

out of control

they’re so needy

for attention that you’re willing to disrupt

everything around you i’ve

started to notice

them before they even say anything you

often sit right at the

front right of

course they like to

sit right there

where everyone can see them

and they’re sort of

these you can tell that

these sort of you know

alpha personality types who just want

you know everybody

to look at them i mean come on what’s

their problem right

no but i mean

that’s the weirdest

thing when people

talk back to you it’s like you know if you want to do

why don’t you

just go do comedy you know and go do your own show

no they don’t want to

do that they want to criticize it’s like critics

these critics that hated your fucking

movie go make a better

movie well they’re not

going to make a better

movie they have nothing to

contribute they’re contributing

they’re doing

their best to be

verbose in their bitchiness

and that’s what

their contribution is

be conte about

things always look for the negative

love everything foreign

you know i mean that’s

really what it is that’s also even when they yell out

fun stuff it’s sort of

annoying too

right yeah well

the worst i was

saying was when

some people

think they’re trying to help you or something the

worst is when they talk to you yeah

you ever have people in the

front row and they just talk at you

why would you do that

yeah like what usually wasted

yeah yeah fuck i’m

gonna get to it i’m

gonna get to the

whole subject yeah

yeah you know

don’t move me in a different direction

come on man

what where were you going

why are you talking to me man this isn’t a conversation

it’s a fucking comedy show yeah

i always give people

the opportunity to yell shit out though i do a q amp a

at almost end of almost

every one of my shows just

cause it’s fun

sometimes it’s


it’s dangerous because

sometimes it drags on and i do the q and a for like

a fucking hour or something and i don’t know how to end

because it’s so open

ended but i

think people like fucking around and being able to talk

to me so i let him know like well there’ll be a time

where we can

yell shit out but it’s not let me get my material

out do all this and then we’ll fuck around yeah

that’s a good idea

cause fun yeah

cause it’s the best is when there’s lines and

microphones that’s how i did it when i recorded my dvd

that’s the best way to do it

have a line and people

come up to the line and they get to the microphone

oh yeah yeah

because when they just yell shit out it just gets too

crazy right

right brian i was just gonna say

you guys name like you know

like talk about juspe

you know like talk

about anderson silva yeah

we think about you

sons chances in a rematch

what should you have done different

now cause you have

stuff out on

and have had

it on tv or

i don’t you

do people yell you had to do bits that you’ve done

before i can’t

remember a lot of them though the problem is when

i stopped doing a bit man i don’t remember how to do it

like somebody yelled out do the talking dog bit

the other day

the drug commercial

bit and i was like fuck how does that go like i

haven’t done it in a long time so

i had to try to

perform it from memory

you know i just

i always try

to come up with new shit when you have new shit you

gotta abandon the old shit

you can’t keep remembering it

every now and then one

will pop up from like the old days like i’ll remember

one like wow i remember how this one goes but in

order to keep writing new material you know i’ve had

right now i had the

first one was i’m

gonna be dead someday

and then there was the

showtime special that i did

no then there was

belly of the

beast and the showtime special in 2005

and then shiny

happy jihad

and then talking like he’s in

space that’s a lot of different

material i can’t remember all that shit yeah you

ever just pop in the dvd and

watch your show

i like to get it back in your head it’s

uncomfortable for me to

watch the stuff that i’ve just done recently it’s

really uncomfortable for me to

watch something from like a few years ago

while you fucking a flashlight

might help whoa what are you saying

how dare you

yeah well it’s like when you were playing that song

earlier i was sort of

sitting here kind of

sort of curling up inside my

shoes you know because it’s like you’re

just looking at something from 20 years ago and you’re

going oh geez i

wouldn’t really do it exactly that way yeah

i know which way i’m

right but trying to

sound like chuck

d you know it’s like

this kind of

you know cheesy you know

but it’s capturing somebody

said this to me once that you know you just have to

think of all

these performances as capturing

a moment in time you know and just uh huh but i i don’t

you know that’s all well and good and i

appreciate that but i don’t want it’s still me

you know i don’t really want to

watch me from 15 years ago do comedy it’s not fun

yeah i don’t

know like me from five years ago doing it you know

it’s hard watching yourself man

when you’re very critical and honest you know it’s hard

yeah it’s hard

trying to figure out how much of this

should i be trying to

enjoy this should i be trying to

enjoy it like a

spectator or

should i be

hyper critical of

everything i’m doing

because that’s what i always wind up doing

so i prefer not

watching myself

but you have to go over material i think to

you listen to bits and sometimes you go

out your brain will take you down different paths

you go oh why didn’t i say this

or why didn’t i talk about that

well you remember

certain taglines

that you may have ad libbed at the moment

which may be gone if you don’t remember them

there’s a lot of my best taglines i forget

them i just stop

doing it for some reason and then i forget it and then

someone will say to you like why

don’t you say that anymore i’m like oh fuck i forgot

you have it all written down somewhere

or most of it yeah most of the material is written down

it’s all written

the way i start off almost all of my bits is i

start them off with blog

entries whether or not it gets posted on the internet

at all almost all of it is just me dissecting a subject

this is the method

that i’ve come to over the last few years it’s the most

to me it’s the best method because it

allows me to really examine

all the different ways i

think about a subject without worrying

about people’s attention spans

right i just

write and it

could be page

after page after

page just ramblings on what i

think about anything and then

i dissect what’s funny

about it like this is

funny this is

funny this is

funny and then i say well how much this

would go into a bit

could this be a bit okay this

could be a bit right here

this is how i have to say it and then i look

at it like that like i’m

stealing from myself

i’m stealing you

get feedback to on the internet

right people yeah i do

yeah if i post

it but there’s a lot of

stuff that i

write that i don’t post there’s a lot of

stuff that i

write it as if it was

gonna be a blog

entry and then just winds up

going in a file

yeah because i don’t like

where i was

going with it or i wasn’t finished with it

but i do like this part and that part will become a bit

do you think of your ideas when you sit down to

write or is it when you’re out and

about with friends hanging out and then you both it’s

everything i think

you get different kinds of

creativity just from driving in your car with the

music off if you have your

stereo off and

you’re just driving your car and don’t talk to anybody

just doing that doing

average everyday things

percentage of your brain

you know you’re gonna

focus on what you’re doing and

focus on activity

but you’re gonna get

bored your brain is

gonna get bored

just driving so your

brain is gonna

start thinking

about things

so percentage of your

brain will start

coming up with ideas and you’ll

start pondering

things and questioning relationships and

you start breaking down your life

while you’re driving with no stereo on

when you get the music on

you listen to that and then you’re off in

no thinking land

that’s one of the most dangerous things

about the media

is the fact that it’s so pervasive

and it’s so

easy to get to and it’s so easy to just sit there and

watch and just get sucked into it and

never think at all

i know i’ve been i’ve been addicted to the 24 hour news

cycle this last few years and it just

drives me nuts how much news

today do you watch

well it’s just on in the

background so

it’s like i’m at the computer but it’s on in the

background you

sleep to news

uh no no you

sleep till the tv at all

no i don’t fuck all that dude let’s do this

that’s no that’s a sickness

is that getting real

sleep sounds

oh no i always do the

forty minutes

snooze but i know

they watch tv

on your tv yeah

that’s cool or

timer i mean

really yeah

that’s cool

you do a 40 minutes news

40 minute timer

what do you

watch late night

televisions oh

put it on some you know cartoon network so you’re not

sleeping while the tv’s on tv shuts itself off yeah

yeah well that’s that’s sort of different

i mean i have

watched tv before i go to bed

but i thought you were just

sleeping with the

television on you don’t give a fuck old tom and

jerry’s are

relaxing like no rem sleep

yeah he’s like barely

dreaming listening to books on page

yeah you have to constantly

trick your mind

at your four year end i woke up this morning and i

had the weirdest flight once

cause i bought this

cd on the laws of

attraction this

crazy woman who

claims to be channeling

some some you know

the secret or what

no no was another one it

was the laws of

attraction right

i forget her name but anyway

she talks in this strange way like

when she’s channeling this like super deal

oh yeah she’s

a blonde lady

right you know what it’s on itunes i’ll

tell you about

princess somebody or something i’ve seen that somewhere

because yeah

someone showed me that once i

i like that you know that’s seth

speaks i read the

secret and abraham

i found it i

found it something that i enjoyed

says this woman on

channels this super

deity called abraham

i fell asleep once

i listen to

everything i have a very open mind and even if i

think someone it

sounds crazy you’re channeling something

okay maybe you are

crazy but maybe in your

crazy in your actual true belief you may have it

that you’re communicating with his deity

maybe you can

bypass some of the pitfalls and roadblocks and the

human consciousness

and maybe you can see

things that

other people can’t

truly see so

maybe you are crazy

maybe you are full of shit but

maybe you still have some good points

i’m willing to let that be a possibility

so i listen to nutty people do all kinds of different

conversations and

all kinds of different

lectures and so i

was listening to this and i fell asleep listening to it

so i was on the

plane for like a five hour flight

and it’s like

hours and hours of

of this woman talking through this man channeling

wow telling you

love life is love

all this nutty fucking new

age type shit

she’s channeling from this deity and this strange

voice she’s

reflecting it’s very

sorry i landed i was

thinking like

a fucking harry potter movie yeah

it might have

fucking programmed something in your

brain that’s good you could be

you could be

isolation tank and next

thing you know you’re gonna be

like what was that

movie with denzel

washington eternal sunshine

was mind or something

you’ve reprogrammed yourself

was that movie

something man

denzel watched a movie

running man no no fuck god

damn it man on a

shan on the fuck cunt he’s a

security guard

right there was

a security for the girl and she gets kidnapped and

he’s been programmed he was programmed when he was

what it’s a fucking terminator

you’re not even trying to help anymore man how dare you

whatever the duck

i’m not gonna get it man it was a movie where they

brainwashed him when he was younger and then they

activated him

oh oh yeah yeah ai

no no fuck you man

asshole i’m thinking the other one where

they try to guide us

a little kid you dick head fuck yeah

that’s not denzel washington either that’s macaulay

culkin same guy i don’t

i hate not being able to remember shit

you know it’s so annoying

yeah is there a memory supplement has anybody ever

taken a memory supplement i mean is

what’s good is that real

yeah because i heard it was bullshit

i heard ginkgo was bullshit

do rets a very

troll if you haven’t started

doing you do

yeah cool what milligrams you know i don’t remember

gotta get like five

hundred go to talk

about the software

yeah do you feel

that you find you forget things as you get older

no you forget

things because you have too much information i mean

i don’t feel like

a i can’t remember anything that i don’t recall at this

point but you know what i do yeah

i do notice that there is

some sort of a

scientific theory

about the amount of people that we can

store in our brain

and i absolutely believe that

they say it’s

150 they say that people have room for 150

faces and names they recognize

i have recognized someone that i didn’t know was

still in my database

well you have to re assimilate the memories

and you go okay okay

oh that’s a

weird thing man it’s like your

brain’s gonna oh we’re

gonna dust this off hold

on we have it it’s way back here it’s way back here

and then the dude’s giving me information

do you remember man

we used to play pool together in

white plains i’m like oh shit

and i’m going way back here okay

i got the file i got the fuck

oh yeah yeah

like so cause

you find it

you know this year

traveler i’ve been

traveling around

this year meeting you know thousands of

people hundreds of people

every weekend and

different cities

right so you’re meeting all

these different people

you find then you start

you know having that happen more

where you don’t

wreck when you come back to la

i mean especially if you like

if you meet

someone who’s interesting and you wind up talking

to this dude and you talk to him on the internet

well that’s an internet

you got an internet memory now

you know this guy is a part of your internet

group if you

email him on my message

board people sign up for my message

board and sometimes

some cool people have some interesting

things and okay now that guy’s a name and my

things of you

know names of people that i can

store in my mind

i mean it’s like

150 that’s what they say

yeah i really do find this

it really is it doesn’t

seem like a data

issue it seems like a data processing

issue it’s like

we’re not supposed

to have access this many fucking people

like our hardware

is not set up for this

it’s like we’re trying to run

quake 4 on a 1982 fucking pc

you know that’s what it is we’re

gonna have to get little you know

32 gigabyte

chips that we can

plug in behind our ear or something like that

imagine just for names and

phone numbers if they can

figure out how to update the database of your mind yeah

it might have just download

stuff into your

little well that’ll be out there soon

it’s got to be if you can

think it if you can

think it they’re

gonna get there

as long as they keep tampering and they always will

and that’s what people do we keep trying to figure

out what’s the coolest best shit and they’re gonna

learn they’re

gonna learn from

it as long as we don’t blow ourselves off to face the

earth we got some nutty shit coming

some nutty shit yeah

they’re developing skin that can feel that’s artificial

really yes artificial skin

that you can feel

with they have artificial limbs what do you mean you’re

gonna be like

attach it to your finger and they can make your

finger like 40 feet long

you touch stuff

eventually ultimately

they want you to be able to be sensitive like you

could pick up a

of paper with it or you

could hold a thick mug

oh really be able to

touch and feel

things what do you

feel you’re gonna get

electrical impulses from this artificial hand so they

go into your

nerve endings and they’re

gonna figure out how to make it so

you your brain

thinks this

is a hand so they’ve figured out the conversion of

their work to

i mean i don’t know how far

along it is or how

close it is but i know that this is an

ultimate goal they’re trying to figure out a way what

would be some uses for that

how about fake humans

how about they’re

gonna make fake people dude better

flashlights that’s the real

thing better

flashlights the real

thing is artificial life

that’s the real

thing and that’s really really possible

it’s really possible

we don’t know what life really is you know

technology might be life it

might be life in some sort of an embryonic form

and it has to

break out of this

like a caterpillar that becomes a butterfly this might

we’re seeing with

technology that people have created

today in 2010

we might be seeing just the

you know just this eggshell that’s

about to break and this new

thing is gonna

hatch out of it

yep i yeah i

could use a you know

a robot around the

house that had

sensitive skin

smooth mouth

pretty lips that

would be so strange we just had this

really super hot

robot that you

could fuck whenever

you wanted and you didn’t have to feed her you

could shut her off you can do whatever you wanted

when you turned around she’s like oh we fucking

what’s up yeah

clearly this is that’s possible clearly

these scientists are

are putting their

who was gonna

their energy in the

right place tolerate

their wife’s bullshit when you can fuck this super hot

robot porn star there probably something

annoying and gross to

change your filter

you know yeah

that would not be a vacuum

your load out of her

snatch that

wouldn’t be a good job

what if she’s

absolutely artificial

even her you know her hormones or

everything what if you know it

literally is

like an artificial person yeah

you know but it

doesn’t age

yeah she cleans her own filter yeah

cleans her own

pussy she’s

fuck yeah she

cleans her own filter

hey why don’t you just

clean your own filter already there’s a problem can you

clean my filter

why don’t you

clean your own filter too embarrassed though

all the time

see there’s already a problem out with that if you

could actually have

these totally controllable artificial people

where you could program in

their personality make them

super accepting and docile and always

know always kind and always

sweet and affection to you

would people even get in relationships anymore

would do it dudes god dude that’s not just

you’re an ugly fat guy you can just buy

this super insanely hot check

that’s fake yep

i think go to

movies with her and shit she’ll go to the

movies with you

oh no that’s the end we didn’t even know we

wouldn’t even know if it was a real

person that’s the end

and they’d be like some old fat fucked up dude with no

teeth shit all over his

clothes she

doesn’t care she’s a robot

she’s hot as fuck she looks like

tracy lords in her

prime and they’re holding hands at the

movie theater

people getting pissed

get a fucking real woman

except the way

you would know

the way you

would know is

cause when it

first happens there’d only be five

models you know there’d be the blonde you know

either be the brunette

they’re everywhere

so you’d see this guy

walk around

over again like

smart cars going around or whatever

they’ll do anything they’ll

suck your dick in a taxi cab they don’t give a fuck

yeah people gonna go off

it’s gonna be crazy they would probably have like

dead eyes you know when you look in somebody’s eyes you

you tell maybe

maybe the puppy dog eyes

maybe then crush you

maybe fall in love with that

robot you’re trying to figure out a way to

breed with dead puppies now maybe that’s the apocalypse

we do figure out a way to breed with

tell me a little bit about this flashlight

since we’re on the topic of of having sex with

it’s a thing that you fuck

put your finger

really it is let me touch it

and this is the only

one is fuck this one is your

sponsor thank

some the other part this is this is your

sponsor for your show yes

where’s this manufactured

believe austin

texas that’s where the company’s located you

hung out with them

go ahead don’t be scared

get in there

don’t be scared

turn it for me

i don’t really feel like touching

it’s just like yeah

you should feel it you should feel it no one has

had sex with this yes

this is just a sample that they sent us

just touch it

trust it okay all right

yeah pretty good

right put the finger in the i’m not

gonna put my finger no no i feel like it just feel it

like it’s the bottle you saw i can imagine

i can imagine i have a very strong imagination

that is that’s interesting

better than that cow

now now let me ask you this

i don’t have to ask you whether

or not you masturbate because of course you do but

would you be willing to buy a masturbation tool that

would make masturbation better

probably not right

then you have to sort of it i

was open does yeah i’d get a free one because i was you

know yeah i wouldn’t

would i be willing i

got one left

yeah i’m just

kidding i’m just kidding actually

well you know

might be fun just for a conversation

at parties or something like that hey i know i

got i’ll give it to you i’ll go find it

in here somewhere

no i mean you know

what kind of

porn is tom

green like do you

definitely have to be in a sealed wrapper

does it come in a sealed


sealed plastic

plastic yeah

absolutely it

sure it’s i

would not yeah

advise you fuck that yeah you don’t yeah

brian callan

touched that oh yeah see this has been out

this is duncan

touch this has

been unsealed

is that a signature i

think i think

ricky schroeder even touched that one

did ricky shot

that ricky schroeder touched

he licked it and so

does it do anything is it

vibrate or anything you don’t need that

it’s just that’s what it is just that

you know what it is man it is

it just makes

it’s way better feeling than your hand

and you’re not getting any

you’re not getting any signal from it it’s patented

rubber you know it’s like they have

their own patent on how it really feels good

made in america

made in the usa

proud to be an american very interesting

it’s caught fish in a bucket okay look at that

okay that’s what wow he calls it fish okay

that is what it’s called this is called deer in a tree

yeah you just making up names son it’s not what it’s

called out okay

it’s a great nerf

slapstick don’t fling that around but it’s a

solid product yeah

for 60 bucks or whatever it costs totally

worth it makes beating

off way more fun what kind of porn do you like what

are you an amateur guy

take your pants

off take your

pants off when you ask

that question

you know i don’t even know anymore man it’s gotten so

crazy out there

you still use

magazine kids

today yeah you know so crazy

well what’s gotten crazy man

well just the i think

basically just the sort of

instant access to anything online

it’s kind of

starting actually to get to the

point where i’m

you know it’s not as

amazing thing porn you

know like i

was you know when you know i was talking you know

when we were kids you know

when we were you know when

we were like you know

when i was in

when i was a kid right

they didn’t have

that obviously

so you’d be you know excited

when you know

like when the sears catalog comes you know you’d be

excited right you know

this is you know this is what you would

you know there was not this access to it

so it’s almost like overwhelming to me now i think i’ve

watched too much of it in my life

and i’m not interested in it that much anymore you know

to be honest with you when

you’re campaigning for a nice girl

when i start

yeah when i

started seeing it online

in video to be honest with you i

watched it a lot because i was interesting in the web

streaming technology

yeah so i would go

on some of the sites just to kind of that’s it just for

purely technological

purposes it was

sort of like a business or research kind of

thing cause i’m

doing my web show i wanted to see that the

streaming quality was good

and things like that and you can get the most

data from the facials section that’s what i find yeah

but yeah so you know it’s

but it’s i think that’s gonna

what’s gonna happen to us

are we gonna go are we all gonna go

crazy because of this porn

everywhere no

it’s just people fucking they’re just

going crazy

because they’ve been suppressed for so long it’s like

until everybody calms down and then they’re

gonna realize well i don’t really like

watching all this

crazy mouth fucking

until girls

throw up and coming in

their eyeballs

and all that shit

i don’t really like that

you can watch making love

videos they’re actually better than the porn fucking

videos i’ve never

heard of people

they’re really in love and they just

sit there and make love it’s actually pretty nice yeah

that’s a way

better way to be some

fetish sight you’re into yeah

you don’t like

love you don’t even like professionals boy

you like fucking scabs the love

videos they’re scabs

they’re violating the porn

union that’s very nice oh and

where do you find that exactly that’s google love

making love

videos there’s no

one there’s a

website that’s something

i’ve never heard of

oh yeah yeah

yeah there’s one

chick that’s like the most

famous blowjob

artist in all of the world

i don’t remember her name but she’s really

famous but she

it’s i i deep

throat calm

heather that’s her name

right heather heather something

and she’s got like i don’t know a hundred fucking

videos and they’re all of her blowing her husband

wow blown this dude

everywhere and she has the most

ridiculous lack of gag reflexes she’s got none so

he’s got a big dick she’s like

down to the balls looking his balls

every time that

does nothing for me and they have they had they have

videos all over the

place on the

internet like he’s turned his wife sucking his dick

into like a website yeah

that’s an interesting way to go

do you like

more you like more violent

you try these

videos not what i like

i don’t like videos

i like her she’s not doing it violent she’s not

throwing up somehow

know that she can just do without gagging that’s the

crazy thing

the other ones like

there’s a lot of like

sasha grey porn

that was fucking hard to

watch dude that

chick hits her

mouth oh wait you did the first

watching two girls one cup

video right did you do that

wasn’t the first oh okay no

no i saw you

do that that was me and

you did it was

watching it was the shot was on you the reaction was

yeah was both what was that

called what’s that called when

reaction reaction video

yeah reaction

video yeah that’s that’s

it was one of those

it was good one for reaction

videos because everybody knew by the

sound of the

music what was

going on if

you’d already seen it that was a very

odd sort of blip on the pop culture

radar the day that that came out

right yeah it was a

site dedicated

to one video

and everybody went and watched it

for a couple

that got millions and millions and millions of views

i joke about it

and i bring it up on

stage sometimes

and it’s incredible how many people have seen it

and i think what’s interesting

about it is

it repulsed people so instantly

that it didn’t really

catch on like it didn’t that hasn’t happened

since has it

where there’s been one domain name comes out you know

you know not

today three

girls one horse two

guys one horse whatever two guys

there’s nothing

like this oh is there

two guys one

horse guy gets fucked to

death by a horse yeah oh i’ve heard

about that in seattle

right yeah they had to change the law

five hands one girl was another one oh

jesus really christ

there’s a guy i

think i’ve told the

story before but i’ll tell you

because you’re here

the point i’m making is

there’s a dude that i know

take off there’s

a dude that i know whose friend was dating a pornstar

and they were trying to

he was trying to

reconcile the fact that

she fucked guys and this was just a job and blah blah

blah just kind

of like put it in the back of his head and

and she came home with a contract and she’s

going over the

different parts of the contract and he goes

what’s this airtight

and she goes

airtight means a dick in every hole

he goes what one of my ass one of my

pussy one of my

mouth he goes

okay this is over

that was a cracked them

yeah airtight

cracked them yeah the fact that they actually have

a name for it a term for

being plugged up with dicks yeah

and then what are you

gonna come home and cuddle after that

share tight

unbelievable yeah

and so and then

what happened he just walked out the door and

never talked to her

again and i was

fucking clint

eastwood airtight yeah

i think you know when

your girlfriend’s got airtight in her contract that’s

it’s a strange

thing that they

a lot of the people in the porn business

too they figure out a way to have boyfriends and

girlfriends and be in relationships but they

still fuck they fuck

other people when they work

but they’re only allowed to do it when they’re working

yeah it must

because we’re also

you know accustomed to seeing

it now that people probably out there actually can

justify it in

their mind because oh this is a

legitimate profession here there’s when is the tom

green sex tape come out

when is it who’s it

is there barrymore

is dealing with a hundred

hundred different

women do you hate the do you hate max

what’s that do you hate me what

what do you know that’s something i don’t

think i could ever

ever see myself doing you

know sex tape

is there one that

exists though that you know of

there’s not there’s

definitely not one that i know

is there one of you you don’t know

you don’t videotape yourself

you know not regularly but i

think it’s it’s from paranoia

of i’m not gonna say i

never did it once in my life

but you know the

the thing is is i immediately deleted it

and was a strong move

yeah immediately deleted it didn’t keep it around

you know honestly you know

didn’t even really

really want to

watch it to be honest with you you

loved it yeah

let’s find the process of


you didn’t want to

watch it though

not really no it was

awful gonna

freak me out a little

when i do it i’m just so disgusted

it depresses me and your body

but i do have one

what depresses you huh what depresses you it’s just a

i don’t know

watching yourself is

gross what did you do

cause i’m not like

you hear in the

noise wait a

minute brian stop

right now listen to how you’re advertising your sex

you’re a single man

and you’re saying you have depressing sex no no

no i mean do you like

watching yourself like

do you masturbate

no no no i mean

do you masturbate looking at yourself in the

mirror of course

not why would you want to

watch yourself

right i think it’s like

watching yourself

having sex and you’re trying to recreate you don’t like

watching yourself

on news radio

why would you

i’m not looking but it

doesn’t depress me

no i just don’t like

watching myself

have sex okay i see i totally see what you’re saying

i totally see what you’re saying

it’s disturbing what

about if you do pov style

that would be cool

that would be fine slap an iphone to your

chest that would be fine that

would be fine

press record slap an iphone to your

chest i do just capture as much as you do i do have one

when i was 16 or 17

you know using my dad’s vhs camera that would make

old home movies

about carrots attacking me and

stuff and i

would like set it up in my

room and stuff and i have one of like

but then i look at him like can i get in

trouble for

watching myself

you know when

you’re at 15 yeah

your child pornography of yourself right

well can i get

arrested for

myself for myself with your girlfriend

yeah yeah okay

probably right i

should destroy that tape

right well you

could get arrested probably

probably could be that’s illegal masturbation i

think it could be considered a

child pornography yeah

that’s what

they catch kids for when i

was 16 years old

could you be

charged with

for being in

possession of

child pornography well that’s what

they’re doing

of yourself kids

are getting

their cell phones

taken away and they find

photos of them

girls are getting

charged with

child pornography

does they have a

photo of themself yes

cause that photo

of themselves they sent to a boy they’re

charged with

child pornography

see so that you probably

should destroy that tape what tape

well that’s like that old

what tape isn’t it

yeah it allegedly had a tape meanwhile

how many gay guys are


searching the internet for a video of

brian at 15 masturbating

not a nice thought

no i don’t know i mean not for me personally but you

but the the the

strangest podcast ever yeah

no so wait what was the what was the thing then so uh

yeah anyways let’s change the topic right now sex tapes

sex tapes is

marijuana yeah you know the subject was

getting depressed watching yourself fuck you know

and that he should do pov style so

i love it when your song was released

and then it was destroying the charts for

tlc and then you get

trl trl and then did you were you

forced to get rid of yes i was forced to for ninety

eight degrees that whole thing was

it’s a very um

it’s a very

you know there’s a there’s a

there’s a there’s a little bit of

intrigue here yeah

it went behind the

story because there was

you know some

some things done trl that were

were not necessarily ever made public

right like okay well film me on the

what happened what happened like the l

story the l and trl isn’t necessarily

right it’s not necessarily live all the time so it

was just not on anymore no big what

was the song what was the song what happened

okay so we went to seattle and

we were filming bits in seattle and we thought hey this

would be funny to do this song

called the bum bum song one of my favorite songs this

ridiculous idea and i

would go and

it was just a

silly video me

going around some seattle

saying my bum is on the cheese my bums

on the rail my bums on the boat my bums on the duck

it was a silly

sort of like a doctor zeus

style nursery

rhyme rap i

wanna hear the

moon and the comedy of it was me out in the street

sticking my ass on

everything and

confusing people and filming the reactions right

and singing this silly song

and then we played it

on my show and we said we want this to go to number one

on total request live which is

their countdown

music show that they would have

every night

hosted by carson daly and

so we played it on seattle

radio and went

to number one instantly this was when my show was on

mtv was it was

really doing well show and

empty the show was doing well on

mtv people went to number one people saw

the absurdity of this song

knocking 98 degrees britney spears

in sync and whoever

else was on the

j low i think

out of the number one spot and

so we played on the show we

asked people to vote for it

people voted for it it went to number one on

tuesday the show i

think aired on a monday

it went to number one on a tuesday

this is the song

look at me my bum is

on the rail

my bum is on the

man remember this show

this was like

fucking a huge hit

this song was

big and this was the

first song to be

like this was

right when mp3s

just started

so it was the number one downloaded song that year

what year was this

i think 14 people

downloaded it what

year no it was

no no this was

99 to 2000 2000

99 so what happened

so they squashed your song

yeah it went to number one on tuesday then

on wednesday it was

number one again okay

and then on

thursday it was number one

again and then we got a call on

thursday at the office and they’re saying guys

we want you

to kind of play

ball with us

here and we’re

like well what’s

the deal they said well you

know we need you to go on the show on friday and retire

the bum bum song

and take it off the countdown

and we’re like

why we got the number one song in america on

mtv man yeah

right this is amazing

right make money off this

shit this is unbelievable

let’s keep it number one they go well the

thing is we’ve pre

taped the show next week

because carson’s

gonna be in san francisco and all this stuff

so it’s kind of like who we think is

going to be

and we hadn’t predicted you airing the show on

monday and it instantly

going to number one

so kind of screws up next week’s pre tape

which is all in the can

so can you go on on a friday and just retire it

will give you like a retirement home plaque

and here i was on

mtv and i had my show on

mtv and i didn’t want to get

fired right

everybody’s already mad at me

about all this other shit

screaming at me all day about

i want to suck milk out of a cow’s hudder because i

think it’ll be

crazy let’s put it on tv and they’re like

you can’t do that

we’re arguing non stop

it was like

it was the most

stressful time of my life and that’s saying something

cause i’m pretty stressed out

right now too

not right now but most of the time you know and so

i’m on the show

and i’m getting

yelled at all the time by everybody everyone’s always

screaming at each

other trying to

make the show

crazy or make it less crazy

and then so

i played ball i went and

i got a nice plaque

and i’m not even to be honest with you

well yeah you know i

think of it now i

think you know we

could have rode that

thing a little further i

could have put out record i probably

could have you know

had some fun with that but

yeah that’s what happened

that’s interesting man

you got fucks

you got fucked by the corporation

exactly it was it makes

sense though

they would probably cost him a fuckload of

money if they’d already pre taped

things yeah they

would reshoot five shows it’s like you know but how

crazy is that then now you find out what

their rankings are like it’s all they probably

had they probably

had they probably

had they probably had deals

with the record company like we need to push 98 degrees

and here’s a hundred thousand dollars we

needed to do that

probably it’s

illegal i mean that’s what

i doubt they

did that i doubt

they did that

i never heard any just making shit up no

no i’m just

throwing shit on the

table no they’re saying i have they

never did anything like that i

think it was just

basically was a very strange week and they

so if it wasn’t for that week that song

could have stayed on the

countdown and become gigantic

basically that week was a reap

probably a repeat

of the week before yeah brian

what are you doing

brian that’s

weird that’s me

screaming about

the end of the song there’s that video

going out too and that’s an ipad

which is pretty awesome yeah

it’s actually just

streaming on

the ipad but it’s not going out

pretty cool

people can hear the audio

but you know i’ve told that

story before i don’t

think anyone at

mpv cares anymore

about that it’s on

well why would they care

they fucked you

you’re the one supposed to care

you could have got paid sons out on you could

been driving that fucking song

right now yeah

in the form of a red ferrari

yeah that’s true you know what i’m saying

you could be rolling with a big fat diamond encrusted

watch man letting bitches know man

and they’d be like tom

green how’d you get so rich

bum bum song

a bum bum song was on

try to pull it off the air

into eminem songs you

know they just try to pull it off the and i was like to

keep that song

bum bum song and oh you know

those both the same song

you know when eminem rapped

eminem rap eminem took the line from

the bum bum song he says why can’t i go on tv and let

loose when it’s cool for tongue

green to hump a dead

moose my bum is on your lips

my bum is on your lips

and if you get

lucky i’ll give it a little kiss

that’s eminem doing my

buffalo songs that’s awesome yeah that’s cool and the

thing that’s

funny about that

which is really cool is that like

you know that song is like i hear that all over the

world now and

it says your name in it

right so you’re walking through

that’s when

you’re walking through like

an airport in

amsterdam or something

and it’s like you know you hear him rapping about

it’s pretty cool you

would have who

would have thought that eminem

would have book i mean

i guess it was pretty awesome when he

came out but i mean just to be around for him have you

ever met him

i have not met him no

but he let us

use that song and freddy got fingered through we had to

license it but

he doesn’t license

music out that much

he gives a sweet deal

we got to put

it in the credit roll of freddy got fingered so

that was pretty cool

thank you that is awesome

thank you that’s very cool marshall mathers yeah

no that’s pretty cool yeah

do you still write

music do you ever

think about doing another

hits you know i have a friend of mine who’s really cool

producer here in town

who i make music with sometimes his name is detail

and he does a lot of cool

music and i just do it for fun i have a little home

studio for fun

got the pro tools and the mac computer

it’s cool yeah

so you got your fingers in all aspects of show business

you’re always doing something for it’s more like a

hobby you know it’s more just a fun

thing but it’s a fun

thing you know the songs i make are so

ridiculous that they’re never

i don’t think

there ever would be

sort of any

mainstream so i

think the stand up

thing is an interesting subject because you didn’t do

stand up for a long time you did

stand up when you were like 15 16

and then you stopped for like god what 20 years

i would do it sort of occasionally but

never sort of as i had an act that i was working on

and launched

it what made you decide to want to get back into it

you know about

a boat a boat big

yeah a boot

yeah i do that

still that’s

the one that’s the one word that i get nailed on you

get out sear

you go sincere

you go deep you

drink canadian

beer a boot

you know i do what i can

do when i can

i just sort of

drink i drink

i drink when i can i do so

what happened so

well about two years ago

rob schneider came on my show as a guest

on the web show and

his brother john also came up

and i started hanging out with

those guys and

maybe about a year and a half ago john said you know

rob’s doing

stand up now

too he’s been touring all year and he said rob’s

gonna start doing

stand up you

should start doing

stand up and i thought you know this

would be a pretty cool way

first of all this isn’t something that i’ve been

thinking about

since i was a kid and i was very

intimidated by it i was afraid of it

it was in the back of my head i was kind of

thinking you know

you know i don’t know it’s just

you know i was so used to doing

the show and i remember how hard it was when i was a

teenager you know when you’re 15 years old

standing up in

front of a bunch of college kids you know

it was tough

things very stressful

thing so i’ve done it over the years hosting shows and

things like this

in front of the audience but not having the act

rob was doing it

he was going around jumping up at

clubs around town at the ice

house in pasadena

and the belly room at the comedy store and

and we were just kind of

going around trying out stuff

and it sort of instantly was

you know instantly

was something that i immediately

was kind of like i thought

i thought jeez i’m

you know why did i not

start doing this sooner this

is just such a

great thing

you know part

of it also is i’ve been living in la for 10 years

i got this web

studio in my house

you know i’m kind of

thinking you know you know

i gotta get out of the

house sometime

here in la i need something social to do that’s not

going and sit in some loud nightclub

drinking with people all

hey this is something to really kind of

wrap my hands around

i also was missing getting up in

front of an audience you know the radio

the web show is in my living room so you don’t have the

audience so it’s just been it’s been an amazing time

and you know

basically did it for

about six months and

in la just jumping

up and writing writing writing writing

lots of stuff

and i’ve taken off

i’ve got to go to australia for the first time

but you’re doing like an hour on stage

that is very few people have ever gone

from i don’t do

stand up to

i’m headlining on the road performing on

stage for an hour

it’s pretty incredible but when you used to do

about an hour and 15

when you used to do

stand up how long did you used to

do like you used to do a long long long long time ago

when i was 15

know what i was

i was like doing you know

at its peak

about 15 minutes as a middle 15 minutes middle

and middle but

it’s usually was five to

seven minutes opening act it’s amateur

night at first so tell me

how you concocted this tour i mean

how long have you been doing

stand up before you said all

right i’m gonna take this to the road now

basically what happened was

i was jumping up all around town and then norm mcdonald

asked me to open up for him

one night and do some shows with him one night

just to kind of

keep practicing and then and


i and sarah

sheregie from gersh

who came to all my shows and said you know what i’m

gonna book you on a tour

and i said well

that’s pretty cool and she now okay how many

months is this in new year’s demo i’ve been nine

months on the road and she’s been no no no no

between the time you got back on

stage and the time you

started touring how long was that

this was probably about six

months or something like that that’s crazy

so you just i

was writing every

day very much

with the intention of i want to go on the road

until it’s very

impressive it’s very

impressive that you were

able to put together over an hour of material in six

months that’s amazing

that is amazing you know i thought mike

young was doing the same jokes

again last night

yeah you’re

developing new shit out of nowhere my friend mike

young did some shit that he did nine years ago last

night you know i approached

it from a really kind of the way i approached doing my

television show or my web show very from very like and

i would you know i would

writing all the time and trying to

build up the very diligent

jumping up doing

stuff doing work

i organized it all out in

paper now how

he is that we doing yeah

just two cards

no i just in

you know for the

first for the first

for the first few

months of doing the hour set i had

a set list that actually took on

stage with me and i’d set it on the

stool so my

water on it

i do my bits and then

if i got lost i’d look down

that’s a good move

doug benson

brings in notes on

stage and goes look if you don’t want me to be

stumbled around wondering what the fuck i’m talking

about this is good but eventually

after that after a

while though i was kind of like you know i

start feeling

like it was kind of a bit of a crutch because

i like to i’m trying to be really physical

you don’t have to use it you know but

the thing the thing

about a no i don’t use note

notes but the thing

about notes the the good

thing is there you

know if you need them they’re there you know it’s like

why not have it there yeah

you know like

sometimes you’re like you know i

wanna hear like joey diaz will say

what the fuck was i talking about

what the fuck was i talking

about right

oh that’s it you tell him and then he’s got the

story and then just run and ramble on to the

story sometimes you just need a little note

yeah i think i

might start

putting new

stuff that i’ve

never done before on notes

and pulling that out

at some point or setting it there there’s something

about i can remember all the

stuff i’ve done

for once i’ve done it

three or four times i can remember it

but usually i can’t remember it there’s something

about writing

things down on

paper that’s really good for your memory too

actually the act of creating a note makes it

solidifying your mind

uh huh and when you use your memory you can like recall

like what you

wrote like you

could see that list

you know just have a set list of just your basic

that’s cool the iphone

thinks that list is cool that’s

definitely better than nothing but i

think writing something actually down on paper

seems to have the most

effect it seems to be

it sticks better yeah

so when you

wrote out your act

did you write out

a beginning

a middle and an end

did you put it all together

verbatim or do you ad lib when you’re on stage

yeah initially i sort of

i i add lip a lot on

stage but i have this sort of pretty

solid begin like

i know where i’m nowhere i’m gonna

start i know i’m

gonna do when i

start i know what i’m

gonna do when i’m finished

actually pretty much know the

order i’m gonna go in through the bits that i’ve

tried and test it

and then but then

often i’ll kind of go off into the audience between

bits for a second and

talk to some people for a

second and but

but what’s happened is it sort of

evolved over the year like

like last nine

months of doing it is

every week i’ll kind of go you know

maybe this is a little

too depressing of a subject matter to talk off the top

so then i’ll move it sort of

later in the act and

it’s kind of

it’s been fun it’s

been really fun and challenging you know doing it and

sort of shuffling

things around all the time and so

it’s been cool and i

write bits down on my phone

on the notepad in my

phone if i think something weird

and then i’ll

go home and i’ll type it up on the computer

so do you type it up as a joke or do you type out

bullet points like what do you do

i usually write it out kind of word for word

with punch lines and exactly how i’m

going to say it

and then i edit it and i get it exactly

where i want it to be and then

i try to sort of remember it

and then usually the

first time i say it on

stage i forget

about half the tag

lines forget

about half of

them and then i but i say it but then i get off the

stage and i immediately remember

oh i forgot that that that

and i think the

disappointment of forgetting them

makes it easier remember the next time

cause then i go look

at them again i go

gotta remember this tag

this line this line

and so it’s sort of it’s interesting it is interesting

cause you really

it really is kind of cool you know i mean i

again this first year

going this full time

night after

night but to

just you know when people tell you know you

gotta get up it’s like a muscle you get up on stage

you start to retain it differently

and you know

there’s been obviously periods for two

three weeks

where i haven’t done

a show this year and then you know you get back on it’s

weird you can’t remember anything

i take the cool

a week or two off all the time and when i come back on

stage i’m like i always have to do a warm up set

do something in town in la

and then it charges

it and then that’s the only time well that’s the time

where i’ll go over material just

to like familiarize myself with what i’ve been talking

about most recently

so i have like my iphone

records all my sets and i get recordings from brian too

so then i take them and i put

them on my ipod and then i just listen to my plans yeah

oh yeah so it

makes you dissect your shit it’s also uncomfortable

and audio recording

be better than

what you’re listening to you know

you want to tighten it up and this and that oh yeah

that’s cool

right you’re not hearing it for the

first time you’re hearing it for the

fucking 400th time and it’s you

you know you really

start breaking shit down so you recorded in an ipod

sometimes on my iphone sometimes i get

it from him he

you know plugs up oh yeah

p3 record that’s a good idea

that’s helpful

so you can hear the little

things that you say so you’re

enjoying it man you’re

enjoying the

whole process

yeah it’s been really really fun and you know i

think like what we were talking

about when when we were you know

having coffee

when i got here

in the kitchen you know we’re talking

about you were talking

about how it’s just nice to be in an independent thing

where you know

you want to come up with a

crazy idea it was a

funny thought

and you go up and you can try it there’s no

somebody coming

in telling you not to say this or do that

that’s the most frustrating

thing for anybody controversial like you

has got to be a

bunch of executives that have

their ideas

about what they

think is going to be

funny and they’re imposing it

look it may not be

funny for you it

might not be

funny for three people in this room

but four people in this room might

think it’s the funniest shit they’ve ever seen

and you’re going for

those four people and

these people can

never see that

all they can see is but you’re losing three

if you just took this back this person

would still like it you’d

still get the original

people and we’d have two more people that like it yeah

that’s how they

think they think in

these nutty numbers and they’re not

thinking creative and then you end up

spending most of your time dealing with that

and at the end at the end of it all you’re

never really sure you know what it

would have been if you just

sort of gone wild on your own but that’s beautiful the

great the freedom

just being on the road has been really fun it’s been

you know been really fun

it’s been a good way

i also thought it’d be cool way to go out and film

stuff for my website

cause i always wanted to

i’ve always said hey it’d be cool to take my web show

you know and go to

different cities

and and and

and see the people that

watch the web show you know people call in on

on tom green

calm you know they call in on skype i know i recognize

every show i go to it’s so

bizarre you know

every show i

go to i recognize 10 people in the audience

hey john how you doing you know i’ve never

been to the city before you know and it’s like hey

we gotta set up skype dude

we gotta do that i’m just

scared a fortune

you scared a fortune

yeah don’t be scared

oh yeah that’s fine that’s fine that’s just

it just gives you somebody to to

to you know to fuck with them you should

never admit

you’re scared of them

huh you never

admit it fucked up

i’m not scared yeah you already fucked up

you already fucked i want to join them

there we go now we’re talking

well you know the

thing is is with the i mean

to give you a little bit of

an idea here okay

so what we’ve done in my

eyesight because 4chan was

was i found

did some fairly clever and

ridiculous and absurd

prank calls

on us constantly the barrel roll yeah all this exactly

completely irrelevant

and obviously the most annoying

thing because it’s completely

irrelevant i’m sitting here with

right with a

guest right

so but that was on the

phone but on skype

it’s it’s a much more difficult for them to do that

because we’ve created a system

which i’ll tell you

about off air actually i’ll tell you

about off air

tell it off air

yeah so i’m

motherfuckers you ain’t getting

gotta stay one

stead ahead

step ahead of the 4chan guys but i’ll tell you i’ll

system for skype that you can actually

use that will help help

in that area yep

for chan don’t do it

you fucked up

you heard everybody’s ears and

you pissed a

bunch of people off

they’re coming

after you now dude

fucked up they went

after that bitch that

threw puppies in the river

they got her

was that loud fortune

got that that’s

good well tom i

think i’m losing my hearing because of

stuff like that too

yeah me too

yeah i think i’m

starting to lose

my hearing i’ve noticed a lot of times i’m in

conversations with people

and they’re talking to me as if i

should be able to hear what they’re saying

same same with me and i’m like thinking

maybe i’m just not paying attention to him

but i can’t hear them

having your ears

blown out from people like man

is that what it is

or is it just a

bunch of people that are talking all soft

right so bitch

talk like a fucking normal person

some people just

mumble certain

frequencies to

when people have to have that sort of that

frequency of

voice in the noisy area

comedy tell me about what are you talking

about on stage

how annoying is that what kind of

stuff do you talk about

that is the dumbest question i mean i know it’s like

it’s a relevant question

but for a comic what

are the things you’re talking about right now

well let me tell you i think sarah palin is

dumb yeah let me do the fit right now

which doesn’t really you know i think killer whales are

smart they shouldn’t be in pools

let me just take what’s going on

ufos a lot of ufo stuff

going on isn’t there and i go on a little ufo bit and

tell somebody exactly what you’re talking

about because i

think that people when they ask that question

you know don’t

understand how

important the audience is when you’re telling these

guys you know

it’s so much part of it so

you know you need the audience there it’s that

that’s cool so wait the ufo thing

ufo thing have

you been paying attention to what’s

going on that’s something that i want and

appointed a

liaison or a

spokesperson for the america

for the human race rather in

communication when

aliens land yeah

really it’s some yeah

some weird looking

chick she’s like very like

it’s not sarah pale very

man looking yeah yes

just and she’s

the person that they’re

gonna talk to

don’t get me

wrong she’s strange looking

she’s the person they’re

gonna talk to yeah

yeah she’s speaking for you

shouldn’t we have some sort of insane

yeah what the fuck do you win the

first fucking is that

one little on

different countries

over the world

i don’t know what the fuck

like is that

like just like oh and if we ever get attacked by

aliens you have to do this you know

maybe like a real

firefighter yeah

maybe it’s just like that’s the most

basic part like i hope so

could you imagine if that’s a fucking full time job

right you imagine if she gets like a hundred

grand a year in

benefits and i’ll just do just sit around wait for the

answer call

she’s got a

speed up reading us magazine

yeah keep up to date and what’s important

who the fuck

look the aliens don’t give a fuck

about who the leader is they don’t give a shit

if they were

gonna come here from another galaxy

they’re the leader

there is no leader you don’t get to represent like

the aliens don’t care what’s the

fucking number one ant

do you ever look at

who’s the number one ant before i kill all you people

you just kill all the ants yeah

there’s no discussion

yeah you don’t have communication with

ants over you know

who’s gonna die

and whether

or not you guys can move out no you just kill them all

and if that’s what

aliens decide to do to us well

the same thing to us that we do to

monkeys that we do to dolphins that we do to killer

whales but they

could treat us

well they should be like that

monkey that was holding the kitten the

other day they

might just come down and cradle us yeah

it might be the

exact opposite they might

just be like hey we just can want to comb your hair

fuzzy chewbacca type

creatures that come down just want to it’s


i try to keep

these thoughts

these ideas of ufos and aliens i

tried to keep them away from my consciousness because i

think they’re

giant time wasters

you know the contemplating what if the

aliens oh really

are these ufo

videos real

i’m open i’m open to the possibility that there are

aliens but i’m not

gonna sit around and

watch some fucking

lights in the sky that i don’t know what the fuck it is

and turn out

was actually a helicopter and you’re actually retarded

right you know

oh you know i mean

maybe this is

or it was a

prank or was

it like one of

those little helicopters

that he souped up and has a couple of leds but

i’m not i’m not

close to the idea that there are something

that it is possible

that there are

some sort of

intelligent life forms out there that are capable of

traveling here

whether they’re

from another planet or

another dimension

it sounds ridiculous but

everything about this life

would be ridiculous we

weren’t living it

the idea that we can get the internet

would be ridiculous if it didn’t exist

the idea that you

could send pictures from your

phone the idea that you have a phone

that fits in your pocket and you call someone in china

and talk in real time

everything is so

smug condensed

out so much

smaller now it’s also

strange that is

going to feel entirely possible there’s something

super advanced past this

you know and

they can communicate with us and it’s probably

could be here

right now watching us

but these guys that came out

today or that

you were you were talking

about last night

that are air force

generals etc that have been sworn to secrecy

for the last 50 years or whatever

that say that

you know they came and

checked out some nuclear

sites and that they shut off some nuclear weapons

and they’re all saying that this happened

do you think that happened or

it could be one of two

things well it

could be many

things one of the

things that it

could be that i always think is

maybe these guys

are like being paid

by the government to say

absolutely ridiculous things

and that nothing

ever really happened at all and what there

are is a part of some sort of a disinformation campaign

and then eventually turn out they lied

about a few details and that will discredit the whole

story and it just makes

aliens seem

more and more

ridiculous to calm people down because

there may be some

things that they can’t keep wraps on and when

those things are leaked

the best way to diffuse the impact of

some sort of a

crazy event or video

the best way to diffuse the impact

would be to show all

these other ones of similar stories that seem

absolutely ridiculous

so it automatically gets lumped into oh it’s a ufo

video oh you’re

crazy oh you believe that

and so it automatically

puts it into that category i mean that’s an effective


tactic if you were someone

like the cia

or someone in the nsa

someone who’s like of a

super intelligence community they know how to fucking

manipulate people don’t don’t make no mistake

about it they

absolutely do

so it could be that or

it could be that

these people really saw some

shit and they don’t even know what the fuck it is it

could be that

you know that they’re all crazy

there’s a bunch of

could be but

until i see something

until some shit

comes into my life i’m just wasting my time

i just i don’t want to sit around

thinking you know whether or not

half this shit is real

and rob lazar did he

really work at area 51 yeah that guy i saw that guy i

watched all i got addicted to

watching that stuff

for a good year i was addicted to

watching all this stuff

and talk this disclosure

you know they’re

gonna get they’re

gonna tell us

soon they’re just prepping us for it you know

the disclosure project

i really do hope that they tell us soon because i don’t

think they’ll be

pretty cool

man i think there’s a lot of people scrambling

trying to figure out a

bunch of different

things that don’t make

sense and i

think it’s very possible that there are some

alien life forms but i do not

think that our government has shit

under control enough to keep all that shit

under wraps

and to somehow another be communicating with

these things

i think if the government knows anything

about ufos they know

barely more than the average person knows

and they have some evidence and they keep that shit

under wraps

they have cleared up

some evidence perhaps

maybe if it’s true

maybe you hear

all the area 51 stories and the roswell stories and

the crashes

have been recovered all over the country there’s been

crashes recovered

supposedly in pennsylvania in the woods

who knows how much of that

shit’s bullshit who knows how much of that stuff is

just some sort of a prototype that

the us government was working on it didn’t work and it

crashed you know who the fuck knows kim gerald

but i’m open man i’m open to the possibility

just the fact that we

exist to ants

okay then that means the way the universe works

things become ever more complicated they keep

going in the same direction over and over

again if human beings came from amoebas

and all of a

sudden some day

evolved to become

human beings

whatever the

fuck we were as single celled organisms that

became us there’s

going to be a similar

leap of evolution from us to something else

so it literally will be the

aliens will be

treating us the same way we

treat a fucking ant colony

look at these

silly cunts

look at these

silly cunts with

their pollution

their stupid

buildings see i’m hoping what it is is

these ships that come

right they come and they

start talking to us and then eventually they start

they open up

and they come and they look exactly like us

right they look exactly like us and what it is is we

we’ve spread

maybe we’ve got

maybe they got like

ants more like ants

right they got similar

but what’s so

great about us

so then we get in this

thing and you

get to go to another planet instantly with their

technology and it’s got you know more

space it’s not all there’s no

pollution and they’ve so you know

sort of like

that’s what

i’m kind of hoping for that’s what i’m kind of

angling for

i’m hoping for

that you want utopia that’s beautiful yeah

nice and i should

write a book saying that you know it’s true and

start a cult

yeah and then

drink a bunch of

grape kool aid and

not to go crazy kool aid

yeah it was

it was a guy anna

yeah was it yeah kool aid

guyana yeah diana

tragedy jim jones

it’s amazing isn’t it that

south america rate it was south america guyana

south america was

that what friendship

guyana is in south america you heard the

audio recording right yeah

crazy so scary so scary yeah

if you don’t know the story jim jones was a cult leader

moved all of his people to guyana

whatever that is i thought it was africa

sounds african

they all drank

and they all

drank he made

them all poison themselves and then they shot a

bunch of people too he didn’t want to take the poison

it’s a congressman flew down there to see them

and you know

the way they poisoned them was they put the cyanide in

grape kool aid and that’s why

they say don’t

drink the kool aid that’s

where that saying comes from yeah and that’s the

you know the

pretty major

it resulted in a saying yeah

cultural yeah

a cultural tag don’t

relates pissed

about that too

you yeah they

must be why

would they when they’re so delicious

why would they

worry why would

they give a fuck yeah

cause they’re

connected to

a mass murder

i know for a long time i wonder how we

should research find out what

their sales were

right after the diana job

went up or down

that’s probably why hawaiian

punch was born

oh yeah probably came out

after that yeah

you think kool aid

might have just

changed their name

maybe you might be

right tom green

i think it’s a good note to end it on

absolutely this has been awesome

that’s a lot of fun we’ve been on for like a couple

hours or something

two hours that’s amazing

what’s cool because we get to go into

depth about subjects you know i find that like

when we were doing an hour we

would just start talking

about things and all of a

sudden we’d

run out of time and like why can’t we just keep

going i love

it we said that when i was on your show i was like

this is so much fun

it seems like it’d be more fun if we got to keep

nice just to get into a really yeah

so we have no

shade you have set

time really cool

thank you very much for doing it man i

appreciate you coming

i think is so awesome that i can just

run into brian

and i’d love

to have you come back and do the webo vision

definitely i’ve

seen tong green

com and you

run into each

other at a comedy club and then all of a

sudden boom

we’re hanging out in a podcast

that show that you did is actually on tom green com

right now you can go

watch it and

follow me on twitter yes

at tom green live and tom

green if you

haven’t seen his show he has a

whole web we were talking

about the show

he and i did

is a whole like

literally like a tonight show on the internet

yeah i mean

it’s a brilliant

thing and i loved it

and it inspired me to do this

that was the

first thought in my mind of putting something

together on the internet

you get my tour

dates on there come see me in san francisco

this weekend

tom green com and tang

green live it’ll link to it also but on the twitter but

i’m in cobb’s comedy club in san francisco this weekend

that’s i’ve

never been there before that’s fucking awesome yeah

great club and then


the next week

and then canada

powerful canada

he’s coming home bitches

alright thank you

very much everybody

we will see you probably

it looks like next wednesday

monday or wednesday depending on

who i can get for next week

but thanks for

tuning in and

love you bitches

i like to put my

arms on wings

it’s not on my way

my bum is on the dog my bum is on the cat

my bum is on the phone my bum is all alone

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