The Joe Rogan Experience #50 - Little Esther

i get the painful ones bro yeah

what’s that what’s that like the time

saw deep tissue

deep tissue

should i lower this

whatever you want

no whatever whatever feels comfortable

for you but it’s pretty good at picking up your voice

you just wanna

no you don’t want to have it that low

you definitely want to have it in

front of your face

like it’s like a

radio one it’s like a stage one

so like it’s a

sideways mic if you see it like the mic is in oh yeah

this is how i do it i have this

right in front of my face

plus people don’t

get to see as much of my face it makes me even staring

i like it when i used

to sit there i used to hide behind it like i am half

robot half man

alright let’s do this

three two one

popping bottles in the ice

like a blizzard

when we drink we do it

right kittens lizard

sipping scissor in my ride

like three six

now i’m feeling so fly

like a g six

fifty six

give me that moment where where give me that

get them bottles pop and we get that dripping

that drop out now get me through more bottles

cause you know it don’t stay

acting like they drunk

like three six now i’m feeling

so fly like a g six like a g six like a g six

i think that g6 is a jet

okay you think it’s a jet

i think so all right i’m a fucking retard i always

think apple like oh they got

they didn’t even make g6 they

sound way above the game they

sound like they’re balling

they sound like they’re balling right

yeah they’ve got a

bunch of girls that are sober but they pretend to be

drunk so they can fuck yeah

okay they’re balling

that’s when you’re out of control when people

are pretending they need an excuse to fuck you yes

that’s what’s going on

speaking of excuses to fuck you

this show is sponsored by the

flashlight ladies and gentlemen

flashlight and if you go to joe rogan

net and you

click on the link

it’ll take you to the

flashlight website and they give you 15

off what’s a

flashlight a

flashlight is

this one is an

alien version by the way our

guest is little

esther and esther

is a very funny

stand up comedian here in los angeles california

and she’s our

first female

guest ever ladies and gentlemen so

how about a

round of applause

50th episode

also this is our 50th episode and we you know we just

never found a girl worthy

but you’re here

they’re all

worthy they just don’t want to come over

and not only that it’s my

house so i can’t

bring porn stars over everyone’s like you

should have porn stars on

well you know you can do

all you want

the issue is i have little children that are girls

yeah want them

being really good friends with the porn stars and i

wanna do what

marilyn does no

she’s obsessed

with porn star she actually bought what off of ebay

gina jameson

socks or something i bought her

sweater off of ebay

wow yeah i like her

did did it smell like jizz

no it smelled like

fairy princesses

fairy princesses

yeah it was cute

she’s a nice person

i bet she is you

could meet her if you ever went to the

ufcs really

i kind of have an obsession with her do you really yeah

what is the obsession

like she does so many

things that i

would not do

and it’s just cool and

exciting and she’s pretty

and she wrote a book that was good

you actually liked her book i

loved her book i’ve read it like

three times i bought it in high

school and i used to have to put

like a fake

cover over it so i

could read it in high

school no one

would know what i was reading

whoa yeah um

so was that like like

like inspiring to you like what

not i mean yeah

when you say that she does like a lot of

things that you

wouldn’t do

yeah like she’s a porn star right

and she’s just so different from me like i’m

like a little

thank you brian

brian just put a floppy dick

esther’s lap

ones they made them

it’s sort of a

proof of concept device

like they didn’t make it so that anyone

can use it obviously because it’s too soft and it

wouldn’t really be functional

unless you just into


but they just wanted to show that they

could get this

dick it’s very

it’s disturbing you know

and it’s circumcised too

yeah it’s soft

it’s kind of

crazy that the norm is to cut a

chunk of your dick off

that’s the norm

right you know you someone said

this to me i don’t remember who it was they’re talking

about if you had a boy

would you circumcise it

i said no i said it’s i think it’s

ridiculous i go what you want to chop a piece

of of skin off someone’s

dick and it makes it less sensitive and the whole deal

and he goes

yeah but it looks better

that’s what i expect

that’s ridiculous

it does look better but i don’t does it really

though really i

think so i don’t

know i don’t know i don’t get it have you had both

no i haven’t oh

have you seen the other one

in person and no not in person

but i think

when it’s soft yeah it looks very animal like it’s

scary yeah when it’s soft it’s like the

skins over it it’s like an elephant dick it’s just like

i’ve never seen it soft

whoa what the

fuck are you talking

about it’s always

gonna rock hard well that’s you you’re just very sexy

circumcised men around you they can’t help themselves

it’s um it’s a terrible

thing you’re

chomping at

i mean people like oh it’s hygiene you know

these people in africa

it’s ridiculous it’s not a hygiene

issue yeah i’m sort of

against it because it’s a looks issue yeah

but whatever why are you sort of

against it yeah because like

it’s like you

said it’s cutting skin off and that seems just wrong

it’s not like

it helps anything you know it’s not like

you cut skin off and then you can see behind your back

like oh you have an eyeball back there but there’s an

extra piece of skin let’s get rid of that skin

dude there’s an eyeball back here this is

crazy you don’t believe in like having

umbilical cords

still like it’s grown

at all yeah no i do

that’s stupid what

well i mean you like

don’t want to modify the body how it is you know

well you that’s

not a good analogy

at all it’s a terrible analogy

that’s all he ever does

brian will fucking stop any conversations

that this tracks

with some silly nonsense

but it’s funny

doing it to her

cause she gets

angry and mad

no i appreciate a good analogy

so when a bad one is presented to me

explain a good one then that’s also like that like

piercing your ears you’re modifying

a little teeny

piece of your body your skin

but that’s for like

an aesthetic thing

well so is the dick

thing yeah what else is it for the

issue is that it changes the functionality of the penis

you no longer like when the foreskin is over your penis

your penis is much more sensitive

because it’s protected

now your penis is all

calloused and

tired out rolling

against your

underwear and

rubbing against your leg it’s like

the tip part is really supposed to be protected

by skin so that it makes it even more sensitive

so you’d have

way more problems with premature ejaculation

apparently because it

would just feel even better

as good as it feels now

it feel even

crazy better

you know people are

gonna want it to feel better but that’s

ridiculous why

would you not

want more sensitivity you know we like to talk

about penises a little we do so i

got to warn you

i don’t normally get to talk

about penises so yeah

right i don’t

all my stand up is very clean

so is jenna

jameson the only

you’re not though you’re

dirty right no yes you are my

stand up is

clean are you kidding you’re not

dirty as in

fuck fuck fuck but you’re

dirty as in

the subjects you bring up

no they’re not all

right abortion jokes are not really

those are insults i like to insult

abortion insults

yeah i like to insult

hot women because some of them are mean to me

and they put

me so so you insult them with abortion jokes no

well okay like

people say that

blondes have more fun that’s fine i’ve

never had to have an abortion so that’s

that’s the joke

that’s not that bad

i’ve never had to have an abortion

you know it is kind of a

tricky thing if you really

break it down as to what it is i mean

it’s alive you know

it’s inside your body you’re hosting it and

you get to terminate

that because it’s inside your body you get to pull the

trigger but

oh that’s a

crazy gray area

because when it comes out it becomes a person and

it’s very strange i mean i

understand why people

would do it

i do as well

obviously because

i have nightmares

about having children and it’s not happening but it’s

i don’t know

it’s just basically saying that

blonde women are whores and i don’t

i particularly

blondes but jenna

jameson is a huge

like your big idol well

she is but i like

it’s i’m really just insulting like the blonde

it’s not all the specific ones specific

ones that like

are mean to me and like picked on me in high school

i’m what did they used to do to you no

like throw like bloody tampons at you when

you walk down the hall and sometimes no i just did a

pilot audition

where that happened to me okay

every audition i’ve ever been on the

breakdowns are traumatizing

cause i’m listed as unattractive

and like chubby

but anyway so like

tell us what these

before you go

anywhere this obviously something happened

so tell us what

what these boys

did to you no

that makes you want to

bring them up specifically

um nothing really i just think that

sometimes like you go out and you see like

the hot chicks that like wear mini

skirts and tons of makeup and like i’m

when i’m ever in

their vicinity like i’m

like this like in

jeans and a

t shirt and

sneakers and i feel like they like look at me and

think i’m like retarded

okay but are they actually doing anything

to you or they just looking hot you getting angry

um they’re just looking hot and i get

angry whoa no that’s weird

no they’re mean

to me they’re mean to you okay let’s go there

how are they

mean to you okay well when i used to go to like i

would go to

movies and people

would follow me into the

movie theater and like yell

things at me like

they were mean like i was picked

on like what you face or

stinky fart like esther

the molester

you molested

so these are girls

that you knew

yeah i think people just picked on me because i like

was a nerd isn’t

that normal

yes that’s normal yeah yeah

but it’s just

those cunts that you grew up with

right now it’s not necessarily all blonde

women trust

me i believe i love hot i have a blog that’s called

esther with hot

chicks dot com and i just take

pictures with hot people and talk

about them really yeah one of the

pictures is me at brittany murphy’s grave site

it’s great it’s just a

picture of her

and there’s like this like square of flowers

on the ground and she’s just sitting there like i like

i love it don’t get me

wrong i love

attractive women like i’m obsessed with them to the

point of like i

could be a lesbian

but there’s some ones

that i just they get me mad and i don’t like them

so i wanna say mean things

about them like if they

basically this started

also too because i get heckled a lot by hot

chicks and they’re like you’re a dork

and like i just come back at them like no

you’re a disgusting

filthy whore and no one likes you and i’m not

gonna listen to

you because i’m not interested in having sex with you

wow so their

tricks don’t work on you they’re hot

chick i’m not a


but i might

think you have an issue

i don’t have an

issue there

might be an

issue here it seems like

it certainly seems like it’s an

issue what’s the issue

well i mean you’ve got an anger

towards a very specific group

part of the

population which are

girls that are attractive

no i don’t i like them you’ve

equated them with cunts

with assholes but is that

wrong but yeah because you made it

attractive like they’re

attractive and they’re cunts

so it’s really like what it is is like being

attractive they have this

extra gift that you wish you had

no they’re hotter they’re in the group

and then the cunt part

is like well they’re just cunts

but you’ve thrown it all together

just the fact that they’re

attractive it’s really

it doesn’t mean anything that’s true they’re just

assholes some of them if they’re hot and they’re nice

they’re great but i

think that if a hot

woman is mean

it’s like the biggest disservice to the

world because

you’re not representing beauty but yeah but

they’re just

but you see what i’m saying

like you don’t necessarily have to lump in hot

along with cunt

that’s like

just so happens that they’re hot but the real

issue is that their cunt

yeah and that’s your enemy

it’s the cunts it’s not

hot girls but sometimes people like to see the nerdy

jew girl attack

they’d like to know that i’m attacking the hot women

right right

but if you do it for no reason it’s one

thing if you’re attacking

the hot cunts it’s not for no reason absolutely

okay but it seems like you have a reason that

maybe they might not be involved in personally

there might be a reason it’s like you’re

going back to four years ago

and they’re in

the moment and they’re like what the fuck is this chick

screaming to me for

just cause i’m hot

no cause they’re conti

they’re conti

right but they’re just

conti see what i’m saying it’s like

the hot part is

irrelevant it

doesn’t mean anything

well it just makes it

worse because not only are they acting a certain way

they’re getting

treated a certain way because they’re

hotter because

they’re the

ultimate enemy

to a girl probably is a hot

chick that is also a cunt

so really the problem is weak dudes that are willing to

treat hot chicks

in a superior way

but i understand

it i get it

i do understand it they’re like hot

chicks are like

super celebrities

when i see it

literally if

i go out and see like a really pretty girl like

wearing like a hot outfit

i just like look at her like she’s a princess and like

wanna talk to her

and if she’s nice then

so you have this love hate

thing going

on yes i do very

strong i may be a

lesbian and i just don’t know it yet

have you made out with girls and

stuff um yes my

freshman year of high school

i can i see that

flashlight real

quick i made a

videotape with

two other girls in my high

school that was

us making out and

touching each

other’s boobs

and it made us very popular

wow so you guys released it online or no

did you have it

i do but i don’t

know how to play it because it’s not like an old

i know brian

knows how to play it

also totally you just need the cables

brian knows how to get it online

yeah it’s also illegal because i was 13 no no no no we

could put cat faces on the heads they’ll never know

yeah you know that’s a

tricky thing man you can’t really

if they could

prove that she was 15 you know how dangerous that is

yeah girls are getting arrested high

school girls are getting arrested

because they send boys

pictures of

their pussy

and that’s child pornography

so this woman

yeah i mean it’s sexting

that’s what everyone’s calling it

sexting but

the courts are calling

child pornography

right it’s just a cute name to use so it

doesn’t sound like you’re sending

child pornography yeah

yeah this one girl

she’s 15 years old

and they arrested her for

child pornography

cause she sent some boys

pictures of her

pussy and then he sent them to everybody

and she was obviously the source

so and they all got fucked everyone was in trouble

and so they

they wound up like taking it to

court and they

moved it they

changed the charge to

possession of criminal tools

oh my god so instead of

child pornography

possession of criminal tools because her phone

her cell phone

was a tool for crime

cause she took a

picture of her

pussy with her cell phone like

man we need some new laws

like we need some new laws to

catch up with

2010 and this

technology because we’re

using like fucking

smoke signals and you

know the pony express i mean we’re

using that kind of technology

to deal with kids you know

if we’re in an area

where kids have

phones and the

phones have cameras

they’re gonna take

pictures of

their assholes

yeah they’re just

gonna do everything they’re

gonna take pictures of

everything they can they’re kids they’re curious

they’re more

likely to do if they know they’re not supposed

to they don’t have any willpower they don’t know

that things are

gross or embarrassing or shocking

right illegal or yeah they make terrible choices

we need some new laws man

they need some new laws

do you still film yourself

like a lot like

by yourself no

not at all do you ever want to be a porn star

no i think when i was younger

i was like that

a little bit and then i sort of went through like

a transition of

liking stand up comedy

yeah so how’d you get in the

stand up with the

porn laced job

the message

they go together a lot like sam tripoli’s naughty

show the porn

mixed with comedy

it just seems like salt and pepper it just seems like

they’re supposed to go together for sure but

they do go together well because it’s like

you can’t take

yourself too seriously with either one of them

right you know

and you look down upon

by a lot of people too you know and

you have to be like

mentally disturbed to do both yeah

yeah the reason why you get into all of them

is there’s a deficit

there’s always an

unusual need for attention

it’s either touched by your

mother or hit by your father

just mental and

it doesn’t necessarily

i’ve actually met

comics that have good families

they’re funny yeah

porn stars i haven’t

i’ve never met

a porn star that

doesn’t come from some

chaos right

have you seen that what’s that one porn star that’s

dad is like the porn star manager

have you seen that was like on that hbo show

i did see that

i don’t remember her name i feel like it’s

sunny lane no is it

sunny lane sunny lane

maybe sunny lane

is that it yeah

it might be

google that shit real quick

but it was the most disturbing

thing if you

haven’t seen it she was

on the show with her parents who manage her porn career

and they were talking

about how terrific it is it’s so awesome

she won the number one

video of the year that’s our daughter

they’re all like all

excited and shit it was like it was

so twisted and weird

and then she

wound up working

as a whore in a brothel

and the dad was talking

about the brothel like well they give

they feed them they give them

food i saw that it was

clean like whoa

truckers can

just come in there and fuck your little baby’s

mouth and that’s not

weird to you

all they have to do is come up with 150

bucks or whatever it costs they can fuck your baby’s

mouth and you’re

happy about it yeah well they feed her

they fear dick

they feed it

sick dick all day

yeah it was a very disturbing but i think

any kid that comes from

that background

you know you’re just you know that’s your parents

probably your shits

gonna fall this yeah

any chick that comes from that

background is

just fuck man what chance do you have i mean

you know that’s the one

thing that i see so

clearly having babies

you see how you behave with them and how

you know you can influence

their behavior and calm them down and put them

get them to

think about

things like explain

things to them you know

we don’t do this because if we do this then it’s

gonna hurt other people’s feelings

and then you have

them repeat it yeah

we’re gonna hurt

other people’s feelings so we don’t

wanna do that and she’ll like stop herself and say

things like that to me

so it’s like

her mind is off in the

right direction yeah but

if you’re if that’s your mom or you know if that’s your

dad you can act one way but if your dad is like you

stupid fucking cunt

you’re just like your mother

and then also

and you’re too

and you’re like

don’t think that that’s not happening

i mean people are out there

there’s a story i read it was a


story a guy who was with his

girlfriend’s baby and it wasn’t his baby

the baby was two years old he beat it to death

two years old

so i don’t think that i mean ninety i

think in my opinion ninety nine

percent of all the problems that we have in our society

it’s the way people are raised ninety nine i totally

agree people raising

get the fuck out of here with this who is calling me

during the podcast how rude

i love it robot

voice my mom

she heard i was talking about her

calls from diaz

is not paying attention to the podcast

what the fuck

what the fuck cocksucker you

i’m calling put me online you don’t got the technology

brian get that shit together come on cocksucker

i want to be able to call in

i got questions

99 in my opinion

i mean that’s

a fake number i just pulled it on my ass no but i

agree with it

a good chunk of the reason

we’re fucked

is because the way people raise kids

you know no one is raising kids

to to look at the entire

human races one

giant organism

and just to be as cool as possible to make as many

positive connections as possible

we’re all raising kids

to fucking go out there and compete and go kick ass and

be the best and make

money and get ahead and

and then what die

you know it’s fuck

we’re messing it all up

we’re not enjoying the time here

you know we have all this fucking cool shit

going on in this country and everybody’s pissed off

about the future

it was sunny lane by the way her

parents yeah they show her

parents packing

they show parents her parents packing

for her like putting

clothes inside

her suitcase

here’s your

toothbrush and here’s your

ass cream oh my god i

watch one of her porns

after that i felt so

dirty she’s

so cute i felt like i shouldn’t have been

watching it like

i was like her counselor or something like that i was

watching her porn

yeah you know you know i’m

saying like i felt like i knew she was fucked up then

you know i knew there was just a lot of issues

and then i watched this

video and i’m like ew

what am i doing

am i watching her suck someone’s dick for rose

so die ant were

yeah yeah you said

the ant word

it’s funny because i’ve

been for those who don’t know it’s

from south africa i

think though the american

way of saying it because even jim

kim jimmy kimmel

said die and

word or something like that he didn’t say it like all

weird and i

think it’s just like an american way to say and

maybe he just fucked up

because i pre

pre told dawn

and then he went and

checked on it

and yeah and they all said it the same way

hmm the guy from

south africa told me it was dee ant verde

danford who’s dee ant verde

but let’s listen to

ninja say it

put on that

zefside video

and listen to him say all right

have you familiar with them

esther i’ve

heard a little

bit i’m obsessed really i’m obsessed with them because

it’s so legitimate

it’s like in this

world of like

mean not there’s anything

wrong with lady gaga

i think lady gaga is very talented i really do

i like her i

think she’s talented she’s got a

great voice she’s hot she’s got a killer body

and you know she’s out there making

noise i mean for whatever reason but

it’s not working on me

you know i’m saying

it’s like i

see what you’re doing

i see that you’re working it and i appreciate

the mastery of you know working it and controlling the

media and having all

these people on your side and

lady gaga doesn’t work for you

you don’t like

she’s not saying shit to me really

it’s all just

your singing songs and you’re wearing meat

on your tits and it’s like okay

if you’re not it’s not

legit to me so

listen it’s not

what i’m saying is it’s not

it’s not someone

who is being it’s not genuine to me

these people are like what they’re doing is like this

fucking first of all it’s ugly

they look dirty

they have fucked up hair

this guy’s get the shittiest

tattoos ever

you know he knows he’s ugly as fuck

you know what

i mean and she’s ugly too though she’s hot

she’s hot no she’s hot i

think she’s hot but she has a like

sort of an ugly face

dude the girl you mean lady gaga

oh lady gaga

i thought you were talking

about yolani

oh no i wanna see her though i

heard you guys saying that she was sexy

yeah lady gaga’s got a funky mug

but you know what that’s why she’s working so hard

if she was hot as fuck

she’d be like

those cuts to the club with

no ambition exactly

that’s why you have to be a little bit i

appreciate it i

appreciate lady gaga don’t get me

wrong i’m not saying there’s anything

wrong with her i mean it’s not my kind of

music there’s a couple of songs that i enjoy

but it’s it’s not it’s boring to me that bum poker

feels like this is

this is the real shit

this is a this is a

what’s his name ninja

that high tech

whatever his name is

well just just hit

play this is yo

dj hawk deck

drop the motherfucking beatbox

dog i love the

south african accent to

bring that next level shit

oh yeah what are you talking about check it out

and somebody did

was on this i saw the phone on my phone

open sweats dreaming

flash cleaning that’s feeling high energy

speaking keep meaning flick when i say things

like this chicken and g string

can i touch you friend

where’s the saying in it it’s in the video

are you playing the video or you playing the itunes

itunes version okay well you don’t have to

it says the advert and they says what is the answer

yeah and they goes the answer to what goes whatever

actually i like lady gaga

music i like that song operator

where she’s like telephone where like

you know like it

starts scrambling up in

the song just like if you were talking on a cell phone

right you know is it

good yeah yeah i like that

i think that’s a good song

it is don’t get me

wrong i think she’s creative no i like that

music too though

yeah i’d like

dirty people

i like dirty people

i like people

with fucking dirt

under the fingernails

stinky breath

good stories

when i first met

her she didn’t wear deodorant

it had to talk her into wearing oh my god

are we being open

about our situation here on the show

as being friends

you guys being pals yeah

making video for friends

and you just

smelled her and you’re like hey this has got to change

right used to be like that too though

like you didn’t like wearing deodorant at one

point still though i like

smelling like a

monkey yeah

so does she

i think that if a man likes the way my

underarms smell then

we’re a good match

really yeah he can deal with a lot of

other things

well yeah i just i

think it’s like a genetic

or like whatever it is

but yeah you don’t want to

deal with some weak dudes

pushed off by a little

underarm set

yeah and i think it’s cute

i like fragile that’s a

great conversation but when you’re trying

to be a struggling actress and then she was on the

jimmy kimmel show as

her brother

no sister as her sister

and her part was

jimmy kimmel’s

head right underneath her armpit

and can you imagine it was

stinking no

no she was probably

stinking i doubt it well

maybe did you

think hamill

called you back did you wash yourself

before you went on

well i got the call to do that show like

literally i had 30 minutes to get there so no

so when you got there did you

smell your underarms and give a little check

um yeah i’m pretty sure i was fine

you’re pretty sure

no one ever

thinks they

stink though

yeah but imagine

jimmy kimmel’s nose

right in her armpit for like how long did it take

to film that shit not that long

30 minutes yeah

it’s probably gonna

think oh this girl

stinks so you have to have a perfect

stinky girl yeah

you have to be like a professional

aren’t you a

vegan you’re a vegan

right yeah i’m currently vegan so

when people talk

vegans they’ll automatically think

stinky feet

weeds but i’m not like a hippie

like i’m not like i

literally just

think it’s i don’t know i like it because

i think dairy is bad for you

and it makes me

feel sick if that’s diaz jose we got a fucking problem

but soy milk actually

tastes pretty good like soy

milk lattes

that motherfucker

just put your phone off the hook

yeah i can’t it’s not it’s in the other room

you just have the

he’s one of those add

guys that’ll keep calling it

where are you where are you

and then when you answer he’ll get

angry at you what the fuck cock sucker

i called you five fucking times

i got can i take a nap is it okay if i take

a nap i called you cock sucker you don’t call me back

don’t call me back what the fuck’s going on

funny i’m sorry

we’re talking about

hippies and so you became i’m not a hippie i’m

sorry i became a vegan

you’re not a hippie

you’re vegan yeah

because dairy is bad for you just want

to do it for health reasons yeah for health reasons

basically yeah and i thought

about doing that yeah

it’s good i feel better and i like it’s easy though and

los angeles

to do it because there’s so many restaurants that have

vegan like cake

and you know

stuff like that

that’s what you need cake yeah

well i’m like really concerned

about animals but i want to make sure that there’s

cake there’s cake available

then i can do it right

well when you don’t

smoke or drink there’s very few things you have in life

right right

right right

why don’t you try drinking no mellowly like wine

i know a lot of people

enjoy wine you just don’t like the taste of it on

my 21st birthday i went out to dinner with my parents

and had a glass of wine and i had

one sip and spit it

right back i was so gross i couldn’t

handle it wine’s an acquired taste but i like it

i don’t know why people acquire taste though

i tried to acquire the taste of caviar once i was on a

plane they serve caviar

and i’m like okay i’ll try this i’m like this is ass

this is so stupid

like why would anybody pay a lot of money for this

stupid tasting

thing it tastes like it

smells like it tastes what worms

smell like like

after a rain it’s a weird

thing like it’s not that bad it’s a weird thing is like

why would you acquire a taste for something to

taste shitty yeah unless it’s like super healthy

but wine i like i genuinely like it and i

think it’s an acquired taste

which i just you know contradicted myself but

it goes well with certain

things like if you’re eating like meat

like steak like big juicy red

rib eye and you’re just chewing into that and you just

feel that blood and that texture

and then you have a little swig

of merlot to go with that ah

so it’s probably the best thing held

in the whole entire

world it’s fucking

good then it’s good then it’s good then it’s just like

they go together somehow or another

but if you’re

just like hanging out with your friends and it’s

hot outside and like let me get a

glass of wine

it’s like yeah why do you

want you know you’d

rather have

gatorade or wine

you probably have to

start off with wine coolers

i think that’s how everyone

starts off as

drinking wine coolers and then

one day you go i’m

gonna get a chardonnay

or a pinot greasy

yes here’s the

thing if i’m not interested in it like what

what’s the point in

starting i feel like it only is

gonna cause

trouble in my life wines

gonna cause

trouble like

drinking i’ve never

i’ve never been drunk

well you know there’s there’s

there’s that i mean you

could look at it that way or you

could look at it that you’re not

going to have as much fun

right i mean it’s true

these are mean this is a

legit way of looking at it

i mean people will

argue you know way

sober people have plenty of fun

sober people

i’m gonna say this and i love you

but you’re not nearly as interesting

it’s not all my

funny friends all my fascinating friends

all either smoke pot or

do mushrooms or do something and they fuck around with

their mind it’s just

everything in moderation

you don’t have

to even not look at

stan hope there’s no moderation there it’s just

everything while you’re alive

yeah but it

should be that’s what you

should focus your

whole entire life on

everything in moderation

except like heroin

i agree but

that’s for me and you

maybe but i think for

other people they really don’t mind burning the candle

at both ends and seeing how long it takes till they die

right i mean if you really look at it all objectively

it’s like what is this an 80

year trip a 90 year trip if you’re lucky

it ends for everybody

if it’s not that enjoyable

isn’t there an argument for a much more

enjoyable fucking

completely chaotic

47 years oh my god you know you

feel sick drugs and alcohol yeah

until you get your shit and then you level off

i mean look i’m not saying

it’s the way to go it’s certainly not the way to go but

it’s a way to go

it’s a way to go you know and

it’s a way that’s

produced a lot of pretty fucking incredible artwork

that’s you know

every great

musician every

great comedian

they’ve all fucked

their head up they’ve all done it

every single one of them

prior kennison

mitch hedberg

i mean just go down

stanhope go down the line of all the guys that i really

appreciate watching they’re all fucking

either potheads or they’ve done

a bunch of crazy shit and

lived a fucked up life so it’s not

i mean it’s not your yogi v

you know eating

beans and sitting in the lotus position way to go

but that way ends too man that

way fucking

shits out and you’re crapping in your fucking loin

cloth and that’s a wrap

no that’s the dilemma

that i have is like a lot of the comedians

that i’m friends with

constantly tell me you’ll

write better

you’ll be more creative

so that’s sort of what’s making me

it’s made me consider

it but well it’s also

a testament

to your character though that you’ve got this

thing in your head

where you don’t want to be a fuck up

you know it’s

like you have like like a plan or you have

you know a guideline that it’s like

safe to operate in

you know you’re looking at like i don’t want to be a

loser i don’t

want to be this i don’t want to be that

so i don’t want

to fuck around with drugs i don’t want to be like all

these people

i mean there’s that’s that’s

legit too have you ever become addicted to something

so drastically before that you’re just it scares

you to try things like i mean you barely want to take

tylenol you told me you know like you don’t like taking

um i’m not it’s

not like i’ve ever been addicted to anything

crate like no but i

i think okay growing up my parents i’ve

never seen them

drink they don’t

drink and they don’t do they don’t

smoke or it just

it was never around it

and also i think it comes back to like high school

all the cool people

started drinking

and i was like oh i get it but i don’t need to do that

right now and i just sort of never

started so you’re a rebel

in being sober

uh yeah i guess you’re

fighting the

status quo you guys want to train and

party have a good time

i’m gonna listen

to morrissey and cry

fuck you exactly and suffer from my

heart no i mean yeah

i’m really surprised you’re not really religious

because it seems

and you’re fucked up in all

these other ways

how come you haven’t found

jesus yeah do you think you’ll ever find jesus

is that right around the

corner for you no my brain is too big for that whoa

strong words well what do you think

about scientists and all these

really intelligent

educated people that become christians

i don’t know i if someone provides me with evidence and

proof i’ll take a look at it but i i didn’t

i wasn’t raised with any religion

and i i mean i

would like to believe in god and i

think that people that do believe

in god lead much happier better lives than i ever will

but i just can’t

that’s an interesting

thing isn’t it

that a lot of people who are like

super christian

it’s like they have the answer they have d antwoord

in their head

and because of that

they have like a

piece about them

they believe that this is

going to end it’s

going to go on to the next

thing and all this

could be ironed out

if we just made

ayahuasca legal

if all these people that have

these religious ideas of all

these people

that are confused and don’t know what the fuck’s

gonna happen

if they really got a chance to go over to the spirit

world and you can do it if you want to go to peru

want to go on a shamanic vacation

it cost you like a few hundred

bucks and you get to

stay in a hut for a few days

and then i’ll just cook up ayahuasca

and you’ll sit around and

drink it with the shaman and they’ll blow tobacco

smoke in your face

and you will fucking

travel to the

spirit world

where you will get to see

what it’s like on the

other side you will get to talk to your dead

ancestors you’ll get to

commune with mother

earth and see the

leopards and the fucking

jaguars and the

snakes and the trees

you could do it

do you know what

ayahuasca is no

ayahuasca is this

crazy jungle

brew it’s a


brew that they’ve made by combining two plants

and these people have

been taking it for thousands and thousands of years

and they go over there

and they have trips

like people can have trips like we’re you know they’ll

organize like big vacations

well they’ll you know send 20 30 people into

the jungle you know you got to take like a boat to get

these fuckers

you know they’re

like living like people been living for thousands

and thousands of years very difficult to get to them

and then you can do

ayahuasca with them

what like who decides to go do that a lot of people do

they want to you

know there’s a lot of people that have had

see we don’t think

about it in this country because it’s all illegal all

those drugs are

scheduled on drugs

but in a lot of

countries for thousands of years

everyone’s had these

rite of passage things in

their life you know i mean for some people it’s pain

like there’s

tribes in the amazon that

they have these

gloves with bullet

ants in them

it’s the craziest thing

i found it online on youtube you

could find it

these guys the bullet ant

apparently one ant sting

is like literally getting shot by a bullet it’s like

my friend described

it as like feeling like he got his arm

slammed in a car door over and over

again for hours

he said is the most intense and excruciating pain

and they stick

their hands

into these gloves that are filled with bullet ants

and the bullet

ants just jack them and they have to keep the

gloves on for like 10 minutes

and then for

hours and hours

they’re crying they’re in

incredible agony

but these are

rites of passages and

these rites of passage the idea is that

you have to have something that perturbs your normal

state of consciousness something that completely

blasts you out of this current like

this mundane

state of existence in order

to signify that you’ve made a transition

like this is

gonna be a very difficult

thing to do but once you’ve done this very difficult

thing then the regular life normal life you’re gonna

appreciate this so much more you’re gonna feel

like privilege you’re

gonna feel like you’ve made this

right of passage like you’ve become someone

evolved you

know you’ve reached the next

level in the video game

well with ayahuasca

these rituals were totally painless but

psychologically very

scary for people

because you’re

literally giving up control of your consciousness

and connecting to this

this web of consciousness that surrounds

every life form on the planet

and every life form that ever

existed they’re all interconnected somehow and

you realize during the four

hours that you’re on this trip

you realize that my god like i’m

everything’s insignificant

it’s not just that you’re insignificant its

earth is insignificant but it’s not

at the same time

it’s like it’s all

connected in this

weird strange way that we don’t

understand and the way i was described is that life

might be just one

frame in an infinite

movie that lasts forever

you know i mean

you really do have to look at it like that well

ayahuasca provides this vision

ayahuasca provides

you with this idea this way of looking at the

world and that’s

totally illegal

it sounds interesting

but it also

sounds to me my

first thought is very

very dangerous

yeah but not see but the dmt

the chemical that it makes is a chemical that your own

brain produces wow

so it’s not dangerous at all

i mean nobody’s

dying from this

stuff but people dying from

cigarettes people

dying from alcohol they’re

dying from a million different

things that they’re not

worried about

but people are

worried about

doing this crazy

thing well this

crazy thing is

scary because you’re

gonna give up control you’re

gonna go someplace you’re gonna

but that’s what

these rites of passages are all

about that’s what like

really really

figuring out like really having a better view

of life you know like

like like you really feel like you’re evolving

one of the best ways to do that is to just

really objectively look

at what this life is

and it’s very hard to do that

while you’re in it

and what these

psychedelic drugs do is they

pull you out of this life and they let you look at it

i mean they are religious


this is the root of all religious

experiences in

psychedelics i believe

so you can do it

right now try some

so these people who have all

done these like all throughout the past you know

i think that’s probably the original

religious story

and then somewhere

along the line

they got twisted and more

twisted and more

twisted and then

instead of like seeing god as like

like really god is us and we’re all together in this

thing and it’s this weird

sort of like

insane momentum behind like all life

in the universe

everything together all this one big thing

but you can’t really see it in your

everyday life

and it allows you see it when you take

and theogens or when you take

mushrooms or something like that and i

think that was the original message of all that shit

so that’s why religion is good for you

i mean that’s why religion like why it can help you

like people that do it live a happier life

because in the way they’re right

i mean they’re not really

right that there’s a dude in the

clouds with a harp and he’s

gonna book and st

peter goes so what have you done

i see how you did this there’s not that it’s not that

but there is

something else i mean it’s very very likely that

we are just like one part of a much much much bigger

thing well yeah i don’t

doubt that i just

right i guess i

just don’t believe and i don’t like to hear people talk

about you’re

gonna go to hell

yeah that’s obnoxious to me

that’s the negative aspect

but the positive

aspect i met a lot of christians that were really

happy really

nice people because they really did believe

that they were a part of something bigger

they really did

believe that they were doing the work of someone bigger

they really are

i mean it really

when you’re doing positive shit

i mean although the the

ideals of christianity the real ones are

you know love your brother as you

would love yourself don’t commit

crime don’t commit murder don’t

fuck your neighbor’s wife like that kind of shit yeah

i’m a subscriber

to all that

stuff there’s a lot of

other stuff thrown in there like you’re allowed to have

slaves and beat

but you know you

gotta know that some douchebag

stuck that in there they’ll put

it in right here

right here 50

slave and fuck him in the ass

you know but the

root of it all like the ideas behind it it’s obviously

clearly a guideline for living life

and being happy

and creating

a harmonious

culture i think that’s all you need i

think that’s

good the root of all those

almost positively

has come from

psychedelic drugs

crazy murderous

monkeys that ran around taking drugs

and they sat back and just went whoa wait a

minute what are we doing here what is this

it’s not just me it’s not just you

we’re a part

of a web a network the trees are intelligent

the dirt is

alive and they just

have this intense feeling for you know five six

hours or however long it is

depending on how many mushrooms they’ve eaten

and then they

start to rethink

i think i’m turned off by the word drugs like

the you know

like if you think

about it like they’re just consuming

things in nature and this is happening

that sounds a little different to

me yeah well that’s because drugs

the idea we’ve

put it as pills and that fuck your

world up this recreational

thing the problem is

how can you have one word for

everything how

can you have one word that includes coffee

and cigarettes and heroin

you know like how are

those together you shouldn’t

how is coffee and meth

together how are they in the same drug but they are

how is rockstar energy drink

how is that and i

should have it like a drug one through ten like it’s a

drug one but here’s the problem

schedule one

right schedule one is like the

least dangerous shit it’s marijuana

heroin like the laws are

completely fucked up

mushrooms are

schedule one nobody’s

dying off mushrooms they need to

start off a

little bit slower than that though and he’s be like

level one like you know

caffeine and you know it

should go through

all drugs you know

that’s a level six

yeah should be logical

yeah you know i

think i’m such a control

freak like i’ve

heard people talk

about mushrooms and it

sounds like oh you go through this exciting

experience and

that’s really

cool but what if i’m like i don’t know i feel like i

would just get

freaked out

and be like

take it away like make it stop you

might because

that’s what happens if you try to control the trip

if you’re really

worried and you look

you what you’re doing is very difficult okay

you’re a single girl you’re

twenty two years old and you’re committing to do

stand up comedy

in los angeles

and your you

weigh about

thirty five pounds

and you look like you’re twelve

i mean what you’re doing is that’s a fucking dangerous

thing did you have any friends out here

yeah my best friend from college

was on here and so you

moved out here

with her with him

i met him here yeah

well you know what you’re doing is very very

risky and i bet

your mind in your mind you want

to minimize all the outside risks as much as possible

yeah and i like i’m not

against it morally at all i mean if i

you know i’ve

achieved nothing so far so it’s like once i

start to get

somewhere and feel

accomplished i’m sure that i will sit back and like

take a hit of something right

no i totally know what you’re saying i

totally know

where you’re coming from

when i was a kid

when i did martial arts i

never did any drugs i

never did anything

i had only drunk

or gotten drunk

maybe like i

could count on my hands on my fingers

like maybe eight nine times my

whole high school career you know was like my friends

would be fucking hammered all the time i’d be

going to parties but i don’t even is

eight times so it’s probably less than that

all throughout high

school all i did was

so i always thought the same way i always thought that

drugs are for

losers yeah

alcohol and drugs and you know when i

smoke cigarettes you’re

gonna be a zero it’s

gonna fuck you up

and you know

until i was like 30

that i smoke pot really

yeah yeah i

think i may be done it once or

twice like over the years like

drunk at a party or something like that

but it was never like oh i’m gonna

smoke pot and like

think about shit

never i would

never even think of that i’d be like you fucking loser

you need pot to

think about shit you fucking pussy

like that’s was my

mentality but

it was the same reason it was like i was like

hyper control

freak i was trying to like be

successful i

didn’t want to be a

loser i was

gonna fucking go and i had a very similar attitude

that you do

about all these this

anger that you have all

towards these hot chicks

you know i mean i had that same

thing you know

but towards

you know i don’t know who it

was it was a lot of different people i probably was fat

asian man much less specific no i’ve always enjoyed

fighting fat

asian men yeah

most of them are really nice guys

i totally know where you come

from don’t let anybody talk you into it but

thank you the idea is

once you become like a little bit more

stable with your life

you know then you

start considering the idea of you know just

fucking around with your consciousness

right and you don’t have to do dangerous shit though

yeah start off slow

yeah start off with shotgunning weed

off you know

whatever with another person and then next move on to

just if you’re gonna smoke weed just

smoke know who you’re smoking with and just

smoke a tiny bit yeah

just like a little baby hit

you know because then you’ll just be like

huh you just be like relax and

silly and then you’ll

just have cool conversation you won’t be paranoid

you know like so many people come to me and they

go dude i tripod you was listening to your tripod i got

fucking super paranoid man i totally fucking

freaked out

i couldn’t drive i had to stay in my friend’s

house like eight

hours his wife is trying to kick me out

it’s always this terrible terrible

story i’m like yeah

well you got too high

stupid yeah you

weren’t supposed to

smoke five joints your

first time hey you’re not supposed to fucking time

travel right you know

when you smoke too much

weed man you just lose time you just you end up in play

when i was in high

school i got

super super high me and my friend josh and my

girlfriend there was

one time that i deviated from my plan

and we were like 15

and my stepfather had

weed and it was really good weed my stepfather was a

super hippie

he was like long hair computer programmer the

whole deal and he had some bomb ass weed

and it was one of the reasons also that i never

smoked weed

is i just always

assumed that it was terrible for you because of the

experience so

we were over my


house and we smoked this pot and then we

would just appear in rooms

i was like blip

now i’m in the kitchen

how’d i get in the

kitchen blip now i’m on the

couch i mean we were all doing this

i mean we were

our little 15 year old weak ass

brains were way too

just there’s

no way we had the

experience to deal with this kind of weed

it was craziness

and from then on i was like i

could just be

fucking i just wake up in traffic driving

you know like what if that happened what if i have

flashbacks you know

to me i considered like wow i dodged that bullet i

learned that pots for

losers you know

it’s not even the case

i didn’t get

stoned the first time i did it i

would get stoned like

three times or something like that and nothing

would ever happen

and then finally one day i got two

stoned and i just wanted to

watch cartoons all day

you should try

and it’s good for your asthma

even though you say it’s bad for your

asthma it’s actually really good for your asthma i know

the smoke is not good for my asthma though

you don’t have to

smug it to there’s a

thing called a

vaporizer yeah and

vaporizer just makes mist

and when it makes this mist it’s really pretty cool

the mist it like it seems like

like you’re blowing fog almost out of your mouth

and like a lot

of people go too deep because like i don’t even

this is not even feeling there’s no smoke

like they feel like they’re not getting enough

but you are you’re getting the burned off

thc crystals only

yeah for you

you’d want only like

three volcano bags

yeah three full bags of volcano

definitely good

for you to contemplate suicide

thinking about jumping off a bridge help

me i’m suicidal you start

freaking the fuck out i saw the craziest

thing i saw her do

stand up the

other day and i told you

about it but

it was amazing

there was a

saddle ranch

oh it was like the

worst audience ever

it was just people rowdy

not paying attention the

comics were channel

ranch on sunset no it was

universal there’s one in universal

center and there was even

comics right next door to john lovett’s club yeah yes

there’s like a little

stand up thing

going on yeah

and so like

there’s even

standup comics as they’re just waving

their legs and their arms

while they’re on

stage just trying to get attention

it was that bad

wow and then she gets on

stage and everyone just

it was weird everyone just shut up

and then started applauding and clapping

and it was amazing

i’ve never seen somebody turn her room around like her

and i saw three

comics go up and fail

how good were the

comics that went out before

i mean they were pretty good if you

could listen to

their jokes i’m not saying

they’re the best or anything but they were decent

and then the two guys from

was it repo man yeah

i don’t know the show

yeah there’s like

these big buff guys that

have some true tv there’s

only one repo man it’s with emilio estevez bitches

all right i’m not

watching your show

until you change

the fucking name okay you can’t be repo man

you can’t be even repo

men that’s done

you know totally

you want to say

call yourself repossession

ink that’s cool you can’t

change make the name of your show one of the

greatest cult

movies ever and then make a cheat fake

yeah you’re

cheating you cunts

yeah and you’re making it fake

you fucks so what

about a reality show esther

would you be down for that

following little

esther around

i don’t know i guess

while little esther

how about this

how about a reality show with you and brian

brian just gets you to do terrible terrible

things yeah like that

video you guys made oh

yeah what is it

where can people find that

video if you

go to littleester com she has it on there it’s called

and esther is

spelled with a th

t h e r little ester com

and it’s a video of brian

literally legitimately getting her to try

cigarettes for the

first time alcohol for the first time

he got you to try all

these different things like i just

sipped it though and i barely inhaled the

cigarette and yeah

it just reaffirmed though

everything i

ordered this tastes disgusting this makes me feel sick

it reaffirmed everything the only good

thing you liked was the shoplifting

oh yeah she went back

two times i was like i’m just doing more shit from this

place oh this is big

candy i’ve done that

before shoplift

did you shoplift for real gummy

bears well just like you know how they have all the

candy out so you really did shoplift

yeah i took a few pieces of candy whoa

yeah you can go to jail for that

right you’re talking about their meeting

you’re admitting it

i thought it was just a setup they were

samples okay

okay it was free right it was legit i think there’s

like an uncalled law that you’re allowed to sample

when you go to those

candy shops you’re allowed to

sample one to

see if you want to buy it they have it

open it’s like a little

gummy bear that’s not really shoplifting

okay it is though

cause if everyone

stole some sugar if everyone

stole gummy bears

everyone stole

gummy bears

i smoked cigarettes

when i was 15 i smoked one and i didn’t like it and

i was like this is disgusting

my sister went up getting hooked and there was another

it showed me like okay this is obviously not good

and then when i was

about 23 i did some

there was like a

bunch of comics

they were doing some sketches

and we were trying to put together some sketches and

one of the characters was this guy who was like this

cigarette smoking like

poet guy who was

writing terrible poetry and smoking

cigarettes all the time

and like smoking

so i had to play that guy

and i was like smoking this

cigarette like i smoked

cigarettes all day

while we rehearsed this

and my hands were shaking

my whole body was

freaking out i must have smoked like out of no

cigarettes ever

i must have smoked like

seven cigarettes

that day wow

that’s crazy dude

i was shaking

i was shaking

yeah yeah yeah like and i couldn’t talk all that good

right it was like my words are coming

i was like i needed breath

between my words i was like that fucking

crazy that people suck down two packs these

things a day yeah

that’s that is the

biggest mind fuck in the history of our society is that

cigarettes are not just legal

but that cigarette

and tobacco companies are allowed to

send money to politicians

and put politicians in office and

contribute to

their funds

so that the politicians support them and give

them good laws

and make sure that they can continue to sell

their shit and

stores everywhere

meanwhile they’re killing

hundreds of thousands of people a year

it’s so disturbing i can’t even

think about it isn’t it so crazy like

if something

gives you cancer like if they find out that diet coke

fucks you up or something like that

get rid of it you

gotta get rid of it you

gotta pull it off the market

it’s a fact for sure that

cigarettes fuck you up

it’s so disgusting i can’t handle

i like the new commercial for

the non smoking

thing where it was like

broken glass

you know we’re recalling broken

glass and it was like only if

companies recalled products that wasn’t

you know right

they should

recall cigarettes the same way you know it’s all

about that money man

it’s all about the

money there’s too much

money in cigarettes it’s a

multi billion dollar industry people like them

and i support that

if you really want to have a

cigarette you

should be able to do whatever

the hell you want to do you know if you want to

smoke i like

cigars kevin

james and i

smoke cigar sometimes he’s the only one i really

smoke him with he like an ari ari and i

smoke cigars

are mature for

cigars look man they

taste good i like it

again it’s an acquired

thing it’s like you can

enjoy it if you have a big fat fucking

piece of meat and sit down with a big

cigar it’s fun

but you can do it you

should be able

to do whatever the fuck you want but the idea that

you know that this

isn’t like something that people are trying to stop

the idea that you have

these people that are

politicians but they’re not like coming out and saying

ladies and gentlemen

we got a real issue here

we’re losing

loved ones we’re

getting sick we’re losing time on the job

is costing employers money

and it’s costing you your

enjoyment of this

time here you’re addicted this little fucking cunty

cigarette man

we gotta stop this shit well at the same time

no one’s unaware

that that’s what it’s like

yeah they are but we are

babies we need someone to step up and say it

you know if

all of a sudden

you know the flu’s in the news

all they have

to do is put the flu in the news and say we

have to be careful to wash your hands and this and that

the flu is in the news

and then everybody goes home the flu is in the news

you knew about the fucking flu

god damn it the flu is always coming

every goddamn winter it’s the same thing

it’s a new flu

this year it’s the

pig flu next year it’s the bird flu it’s a fucking flu

you get sick every year

when you know don’t

touch things that shitheads touch

wash your hands

take probiotics eat acidophilus and yogurt

take care of your body take your vitamins

get some sleep

it’s all fucking we all know it

but we need to hear it we need

to hear it we need

daddy to tell us the flu

get your flu shot

ladies and gentlemen

wash your hands you can use this this is perel

this kills 99

of all bacteria

i like your perel bottle that’s on this

couch it’s like perel

with shit like on the bottle

it’s probably chocolate

it’s like a joke

right there’s a joke it’s

like the cleanest solution

is covered with poop it does look like poop

you know what it is actually

it looks like a

piece of tape

that’s been peeled off but the sticky

stuff is here

and the sticky

stuff has accumulated a

bunch of dirty

things oh so

good point though brian

i put this on my ball back

it feels like

so if you were to ever do a show

where it made you just try a

bunch of things

would you like if you got paid for that show

would you do

things like that you would

never do like

eat a raw you know medium rare

steak would you you know

try to be a stripper for a day or you know like

do shit like that i

wouldn’t do like

weird weird

stuff i would not eat raw

meat that sounds really

not even like if you were being

paid for it like each episode you’re getting 5 000

i don’t know that’s really a no

why not cause i like to use my

brain to get

but you’re that afraid of meat

um i’m not i’ve

eaten meat i mean and

every now and then i’m like

okay yeah i’ll have a bite of that cheeseburger but

so i’m not like

super strict and i grew up

eating meat a lot what made you stop eating meat

um just kind of reading different books and getting

bored and just trying to

learn different

things and i

was about health

yeah health

cement yeah

so so you’re like

very concerned with making sure that your life is in

order yeah very

concerned with your health and very concerned with you

know don’t do anything dangerous and your future and

everything like that

basically is that to offset

all the danger you take in this fucking

crazy risky career

of i think so

yeah and i mean i also don’t

i don’t know you don’t you don’t you can’t

trust many people

i mean i’m hanging out at comedy clubs till

three in the morning

where everyone else is a guy and in

their thirties

have you had men try to take advantage of you well i

think that goes without saying

really no i mean

no no one does anything

crazy but i mean what

about try to kiss you when you didn’t want it

yeah that’s happened

we won’t match saying names

yes that happens but we know the story

so you were in

speaking of

you were in don

barriss ding dong

show or were you in the no i was on the ding dong show

he has a band

called the barris kennedy overdrive that i was

a part of for a year and a half actually that’s the

air guitar band yes

they pretty

much act you were a part of for a year and a half yeah

every night

jesus christ

how much patience do you have

that’s ridiculous it

was actually like a really

integral like part of my comedy career i

guess because i like developed a lot i got a lot of

stage time i was there every

night till like sometimes

three in the morning with even no one in the audience

and like i play

this character that’s actually how the little esther

video sort of came

about because i play this character

you know don

goes is there any

a dancer in the audience and i would like

be sitting in the audience

like oh i can do it and then i on

stage and everyone’s

like oh my god who let the fourteen year old in here

like it just

would just improvise

stuff every night

and it was actually pretty cool

and so you were doing this even without an audience

yeah there would be audiences

a lot but some nights

there were not audiences

and wow don

is very he’s a die hard performer and he’s

one of the smartest people i

think ever he’s so funny

tom barrows is very funny

he’s a great guy

too oh my god he’s so

funny he’s so weird

he’s crazy and he’s just like

literally i feel so

lucky that i got to develop with him

cause he’s definitely

like made a

big part of

the character so you develop this character doing that

right and then so that is who you are when you go on

stage no you’re you when you go on stage yes

which is really

weird because like when i

first met her she was the little character person

and so like i thought alright this girl is

like a little girl

and then you meet the

adult person it’s so

weird because

you are like

you play like

you trick yourself into

thinking you’re a kid

yeah i mean i

guess it’s more it’s honestly

it’s probably more like multiple personality disorder

right so you

think maybe bipolar no

i don’t know i just like

sometimes i act

like a kid and i just get into it and i commit to it

okay what’s the

trauma there’s

what is what is what has gotten you into this

this form of

performance and communication what it was gotten you to

stand economy

something happened i’m trying to figure it out

my theory you can tell

my theory is that one day she’s

going to like drop her car keys

and bend down to pick it up and there’s

gonna be this huge

flash in her head and she’s

gonna remember all the shit that she’s totally

blacked out i

literally i have no idea i mean you

should be a scientist

with your theories

doesn’t it seem like something like

that would happen

like a 6 million dollar man

forgot my dad used to kiss me on a

tummy too hard

you know the problem with

those type of memories

like you know roseanne said

or she remembered

being molested when she was two or something like that

your real memories from back then are a

ghost you know

your your body

first of all isn’t even the same body

every single cell in your body changes over

every seven years

so a lot of times you’re

they don’t even know

where the memories are stored

the only options are that it’s non local

that the memories are somewhere out in the ether

and you can tune into them and access them like a cloud

which is ridiculous

and then the

other option is that they’re in the

neurons because the

neurons are the only

things that don’t get swapped out like with cells

i do remember being breastfed

do you yeah really yeah i was breastfed really late

three years

three and a half

three and a half

years old most

people do it what six

months is the max you

know sometimes

three my wife does it for a year oh yeah

three and a half years ago

she remembers it

being done though it’s really good for you and

i have one memory of being brushed

well there’s a

woman that i know who did it to her four year old

wow yeah four years old

four years old the kid

would get upset she

would just whip out a tit

but can you

can you imagine remembering it joe can you remember no

i have heard that people can remember really

in depth things

about their childhood

i have some

distant ghost like memories

from being very

young like five and four and

three one very

clear one a

very traumatic moment when i was

young when i was

about five but the

other ones are like

ghosts what’s your traumatic moment my dad beat me

shit on my mom

right right

right no my

the youngest i can remember my mom says i was

three and a half four

my great grandmother was sitting on this

bench across this like

farm field and i

guess there was a nest a

chicken nest or something like that nearby

i think it was chickens

and i was walking towards her and i got too

close and then like

maybe five chickens like attacked me

and like i just remember my

great grandmother being too old going

oh help him he’s getting attacked

cause she could

walk over and

stuff like that

and i just remember my mom hear

my mom and go oh my god and she runs up and gets all

these chickens off me and i had like bloody face and

everything like that how old were you

i think like

three and a half four i

would have went

on a chicken

slaughter rampage yeah

i would have killed

those chickens with baseball bats if that was my kid i

would have smashed all

those little cunty chickens i remember

cause one hit me

right in between two

and they could have

got your eyes you know

these chickens get sick

if one chicken gets sick and they fall to the ground

the other chickens will just peck it to

death really

they’ll peck it to

death they’ll

start eating it eating his eyeballs eating his brain

peck the shit out of them chickens are cunts

what’s your most dramatic moment from your

childhood as

young as you can go i can’t even

think of any

other nothing

okay so do you

think that the

trauma was all

being ostracized by the cool kids and that

being forced on the outside and

forced to think that you’re a

piece of shit

and you’re not special

and so then

you have this

motivation to show that you’re special

that you’re a performer that you can make it that you

could be successful yeah

i think but i also

think it too comes from

my family my mom is christian and my dad’s jewish

and my mom has like this big a big family with like

a lot of cut there’s cousins and aunts and whatever

and i always sort of felt like i was like the one jew

like that no one liked

and they like i was not included in a lot and i

think that is like mostly it because it’s school

when i was little

i was fine like i was like a leader and like my

teachers always said like oh

esther’s kind of bossy and people follow her around

so i know that i was confident

early on but i

think like just having a family

where i felt like i

wasn’t a part of what they were a part of

made me feel like well then i don’t care and i’m

gonna do my own

weird stuff and

so yeah that seems pretty accurate so

you felt almost like

racism as a

young kid because

one side of

the family was not jewish and you were jewish

and you had

you couldn’t mix in no i

think she’s saying

there was other jewish people that just didn’t

like her that’s what you’re saying well there were no

cause she’s saying your mom side right

which is not yeah

no the non jews i

don’t but i didn’t really associate with being

jewish now i do a little bit even though that might

not be fair of me to say

but it’s like

i just i didn’t really fit in with everyone

so your mom

was jewish no my mom’s christian okay so you

weren’t raised

jewish then no not at all so you’re not a jew no

so what are you saying

that i my dad’s a jew

right but your camp you’re not a jew

i’m not technically your half jew

but you’re not jewish religious wise

right it comes from the

mother but people that are not jewish if they know

that you’re have one jewish parent it’s sort of like

oh you’re a jew

a lot of people are like that yeah

jewish people

say i’m not jewish and non jewish people say that i am

no one wants me in

their group

wow you’ve got this

thing you’ve got this

i’m on the outside looking in

thing i do wow

interesting i sort of like it this is

where the rogan

board post will

start coming in why joe trying to psycho analyze

her why isn’t he doing a dr phil

voice why is there a girl on this show

they call oh my god

they said so many mean

things about me they’re like she’s

she looks 25 and she’s like a weird

child lady you

put a dick in your

mouth and one in your ass

shut it shut

unless you’re

cleaning my

house and cooking my

steak shut it

oh i understand it’s okay

and then one said that i have the face of a 14 year old

and the stomach of a 34 year old

wow that is

that is rude

do that motivate you in any

way i wanna go to the gym do some crunches

i mean i do

wanna go to the gym yes but i

um i mean being in

stand up like one of my

comedy mentors

is ari shafir

and he constantly

tells me that i’m yeah

that i’m like need to lose weight like i’m used to it

yeah he tells you that what’s he saying

who’s he talking to

listen to it i

wrote him this text message because we

had the same

agent i’m like

our agent like said that

because i put that little esther

video out and he’s like

he said that that video is

gonna hurt me and it’s

dirty and it’s

things they’re

gonna ban me

from the casting directors won’t talk to me

and our response back was lose weight

wow didn’t he say something like you will always be

no he told me he was like you’re gonna die

alone and it’s

gonna be your

fault and like

he’s so mean but i

enjoy it i don’t know i think it’s i think it’s funny

he’s funny when he’s mean yeah is that a juju

thing you think that’s why he

says that or do you think that’s how he talks to

ladies that’s how he talks to

ladies well he knows you don’t want him so he’s

lashing out the same way you do with those hot chicks i

guess yeah and every time

a hot chick will walk by he’s like

she’s hotter than you oh god

how rude oh it’s

rude that is rude

but the good thing

about that kind of rude

thing amongst friends is when you hear it

from someone else that’s trying to hurt your feelings

then it doesn’t work at all

then you’re like

shut up stupid

you think that

first time i’ve

heard that dummy

exactly you know

all right do you ever say anything

negative to him

not really i’m pretty nice i

think i got some ideas

down for you

you showed you

clamor i gave you some information yeah

that shit’s disgusting

you saw his

butthole you

haven’t seen jew

clam if you just

googled jew

clam is ari

shafir has had apparently

ferocious hemorrhoids his entire life

and they have malformed his butthole

he says it’s all

back to normal now but i don’t believe him i don’t even

think he knows what the fuck normal is now

i think it’s

he always thinks it’s supposed to feel like

sitting on bubble gum yeah it’s like you remember that

chick that got her face bitten off by the chimpanzee

yeah we fixed it we

fixed your face oh

my god ain’t no

fixing that butthole

that thing is

i don’t know what happened but

so you’ve seen his butthole

on a video yes

so he didn’t

think that it

would hurt your career this you being

dirty stuff

no most a lot of people all the

comics don’t

think it will i mean

the disney channel probably won’t

look at me anymore though you don’t need that shit

you’re funny if you’re

funny just keep doing comedy

keep doing what you

think is funny look at

sarah silverman

she’s dirty as fuck she’s in

everything selling

fucking books are in the new york times bestsellers and

movies is always on

television you know you don’t have to be clean

that’s nonsense that’s if

what that’s all that is is people with

they’re short sided

with limited imagination that are trying to sell you

that’s all it is they

think they have to sell you as someone who’s

squeaky clean

why the why that’s what everybody

else is doing you know what is your personality like

what’s coming out of your own

brain and obviously your

brain is very complicated it’s not gonna be

right down the middle and squeaky

clean and always you know fucking

softball bullshit you know

whatever the fuck’s on your mind what

about you know

it’s harder and it’s easier

it’s harder for a little bit

because you know then people are like why is she

swearing i don’t like when she talks

about cock but then

after a while

you know it’s good

because you like hey you want to go see that little

esther yeah

well she talks

about cock you

know like people know

and then they’ll go see it and look forward to it

you need to talk

about cock on

stage i really don’t

i don’t actually ever

you’re super

clean on stage

no swearing

no i mean sometimes it’ll slip out but because that

video is pretty

dirty it is but i don’t say anything

dirty and the

video is on little

esther com as well yeah i just make

other people say dirty

things right

yeah but you’re pretty demented on

stage though

how am i demented you’re not like squeaky

clean like i’m not

even i wear my

heart on my

sleeve like

i’m very much whatever mood i’m in i just go

well that sounds like fun

i’m in a cunty mood

god i don’t even want to be up here performing

but that’s what you guys discover

you don’t even want to fuck me whatever i’m not

always like

that but sometimes you have to be like that to discover

things that

could be true

or it could be an excuse for not controlling

your behavior that you look at it like well i don’t

want to be organized because if i was organized then i

wouldn’t be creative

a lot of people like they don’t develop discipline

and they don’t do the

things they’re supposed to do

and they’ll somehow another justify it in

their head well hey then

this is how i discover myself this is how i

take chances up there that’s a brilliant

point actually but i’m

i’m working on my organizational

skills but no i

sometimes you you have very prepared things and

sometimes i’m just like i’m gonna

i just want to try and riff

as much as possible i

think that’s a

great thing i

riff a lot i do a lot of question and answer

stuff on my shows yeah

but what’s important to me

is i gotta go on

stage in a good

frame of mind

you know it’s very

important but i mean you’re talking probably like these

45 minute sets or whatever i’m talking like a

three minute pot looks out of the comedy

store like i

might be in a cunty mood

yeah but even that like why

why go up there then

why you know i mean yes

and no i mean why not take some chances who knows yeah

but it’s not like that all the time at all

i’ve had friends that

have had real problems with not being able to regulate

their state of mind before they go on

stage and like

you’ll have some sets that are

great and then

other sets where you can tell

there’s some

disconnect between them and the audience

we had a buddy that was

going through

a long stretch of shitty sets

and he wasn’t telling us but

apparently his

girlfriend had broken up with them and

moved out and he didn’t tell us

we were we’re like what the fuck is

wrong with this dude like

when you talk

to him he’s like barely there it’s like it’s

weird like something’s going on

and then one

day you know we’re eating and he told us the

whole story i should

broke up with me and it’s not like we

gonna say anything like you fucking weirdo

like for like months

you know we’re like so how’s the

check everything good you

mean great it

looks like shit

and meanwhile

we were wondering why this dude was falling

apart on stage

you know but see if you like kind of

harness that and

talk about the

breakup then you create a lot more

stuff if you’re saying

yeah but especially

if you’re a man a lot of times the problem with men is

when men get dumped

it’s like they’re

their reason for

existing is like

it gets questioned

for a lot of men like when

their worth is like

gone to zero you know

they don’t feel valuable they feel like a loser

you know like a man gets dumped a

woman leaves him for another man she takes off and like

and your step by yourself like

you don’t feel

worthy to go on

stage and talk

you don’t feel like anything you have to say is a

valid like you’re a zero

like that chick just

broke up with you

and she probably got another dudes dick in her mouth

right now and you’re thinking

about this and like

fuck and you know you make mistakes

and you call her trying to get her back and you say

stupid shit like

let’s just try one more

time and then she says no and then she hangs up the

phone and you’re like what the fuck

i’m just a loser and then try

going on stage

right then and there and then

ready go you know

ladies and gentlemen please welcome mike mcfuck stick

and mike mcfuck

stick goes up

there and just eat shit i’ve had to do that

yeah but i’ve

never dumped

anyone i always get broken up with really always

well i’ve only had like four boyfriends but

wow well you know what you’re

gonna get the opportunity to dump this new one

you could fucking pull the strings on this one this is

gonna be your first

what are you guys talking

about i don’t know i

heard she’s got some

new boyfriend he’s really cool inside the black dude

big black dude

big big black

dude big black dude

have you ever

dated a black guy

no no you wouldn’t

what about a mud race

what’s a mud race

if you’re an ignorant racist is some i don’t know

brown people

no i’m not an ignorant racist i’m just making jokes

you know some jungle dude some fucking

i don’t know i don’t date

a dude from vietnam i don’t think so i don’t

ever meet one and wouldn’t choose

they smoke cigarettes no

what do you look for in a guy besides red hair

where did that come from

i don’t know i don’t really look for

things in guys i just if a guy like

is i don’t know

there’s nothing i have no answer

what’s it like

going from chicago

meeting like

chicago guys regular dudes eating sausage and shit

los angeles i’ll say this i went

literally two and a half years in college no

boy ever hit on me

well i was like no i didn’t even kiss anyone like i was

two and a half years in college yeah and college

pillows get fucked i know

everything gets fuck yeah

but i didn’t i didn’t

drink i didn’t

go out i wasn’t social i was really into comedy and

stuff then but

i mean you didn’t like meet guys

during doing the comedy stuff

not really not

of interest

hmm to you or them

i think both really yeah

i mean i went to like one of the big ten

schools so there’s all

these like really pretty midwestern like

sweet girls

yeah like why

like all those

the sorority people you know people go for them

losers i’m like there i’m like the weird nerd

did you ever do comedy at a sorority

nobody house i didn’t no no

i was living in boston i did


couple of times really yeah it was just like

basements and shit go down

they had a like little mike set up and

fifty dudes in a room and talk

on me strange

there’s a lot of

places to do comedy when i

lived in boston there was a

ton of like

satellite rooms and bar rooms and you got to get

all kinds of different looks you

know you’re talking

about the saddle

ranch you know

those are terrible shows to do

but they’re good shows to do too

up to a certain

point some guys just i remember

who the fuck was it

freddy soto was the

first one to say it he

you know he

was a very funny guy that passed away a few years ago

but he was a comedy

store regular

and dudes would always

be like hey freddy i’m doing a show at you know the

mike’s pub down the

street on tuesday

nights you know you want to come by and do a set

and he’d be like

thank you but

you know i only do comedy clubs like i’m done

i’m done with all that nonsense

cause the nonsense that you have to

deal with when you’re doing comedy in a non comedy club

you know at the bar and the

noise and people talk and

especially in hollywood

you know but

those are good too

right oh yeah i mean i’m desperate for that

right now stage time is

stage time it’s

right i’ll take what i can get but yeah i

definitely prefer the comedy club setting i mean who

wouldn’t but don’t you

think that it’s good to do

those shitholes yeah because

it makes you like really grab people’s attention

yeah i mean you have to really command

everyone in the room and

also you have to just

sort of deal with the fact that some people are not

gonna pay attention to you and they’re gonna

drink and they’re

gonna heckle and they’re gonna

shout show me your

tits and you

know stuff like

that you just

it’s part of it and

it’s fun but it also you like the

show me your tits no

no no you don’t like that no but i i

laugh it i don’t hate it i’m like okay you’re

drunk and you

think that that’s

funny if you say it so i

understand you don’t know how to be

funny in another way

cut them down

you break it down

the guy’s just sitting there like what

he’s trying

to have a good time

i’m from iowa

this is how we roll

curls on stage you say show us your tits cause you

never know i’m just taking a chance

you did all the improv classes too

you’re right like the second

city in chicago

iowa in chicago and

travel olympic io what is that it’s like it’s

used to be called improv olympic

it’s like where chris farley

all those improv people

start and you were just

gonna give us the abbreviation like

everybody knew what the fuck you were talking about

well they i

think no i roll

io i think they just call it io

they’re not allowed to call it some kind of like

olympic lawsuit

olympic or improv

olympic really

you can’t have a club

improv with all the comedy

clubs i would

think that that

would be more of an

issue i think

olympics is actually like a name

isn’t it olympics like a name like

it’s like a coca cola

it’s always a really yeah

so it’s called io how they

trademark the olympics

i think they made it

didn’t they wasn’t it around in the

greek days oh yeah no

wasn’t it was it yeah

olympic cows oh

how long is

olympic games are

going on for

a lot of roman

numerals connect right

you know you look

at that it’s like

someday there’s

gonna be ufc

in roman numerals

in too many numbers totally

to go with centuries

to exes and shit

did you ever think to

maybe try like a saturday

night live skit

or is that something you wanted to do like kind of like

a live improv

yeah totally i mean i grew up

watching that show that’s like

but do you prefer

go like a comic or

would you still be a

comic or is it the

comic thing that you

i don’t know i mean i’m playing

everything by ear you know i don’t know what’s

gonna happen with

but i’m interested in all of it i just like getting on

stage and making people

laugh and being myself

so i’m playing characters too

but right now

i think it comes in

phases sometimes i’m more interested in

what can i what

character can i create and what can i do and then

other times i’m like i just wanna

be myself and talk and

what are my thoughts and how can i get them out there

and that’s sort of what i’m in right now

just stand up

it’s way harder for a chick

way harder for a girl to get into comedy

way harder when you’re on stage

people don’t

wanna hear you talk

a lot of men do not

wanna hear a

woman talk for ten minutes or an hour

how many dudes

wanna go pay to see

ellen degeneres do comedy you know

three you know

that aren’t gay yeah

come on really that means like

what else i mean

you might i

would i would

and she’s good you know i’m saying

like it’s like you have some no name

woman headliner at the improv

in cleveland good fucking luck selling tickets

good luck it’s

conte mcgillicuddy from

from nowhere

where she been when she was on comedy

central once well yeah whatever let’s go to the movies

you know it’s very hard to sell tickets

it’s very hard

at black eye

though the like look at that

black eyes probably funny

i’ll take a chance yeah

black man probably

funny right

white girl the fuck has she got to say

that’s true

silly bitch i have to say what’s your favorite comics

um i’m really into louis

ck right now i love his show louis yeah

great great

great question for me to ask guys

so what i was saying

about girls doing comedy like

you you don’t get as many different

things you’re allowed to talk

about either

you can’t have opinions on

you can’t call

people dumb when it comes to politics or opinions on

you know the president

or opinions on the way the

world should be run like

you enter into like a danger zone

where there’s knee jerk reactions

where people automatically don’t want to hear a

young girl with opinions on

things right well already yeah because i look so

young people sort of don’t

trust that i have a brain

and on top of the fact that i’m a girl

so i mean luckily like i’m not

right now at least

where i am i’m not talking

about political

stuff and topical

stuff i’m really just sort of talking about

what are my thoughts and feelings on

myself or on

the situation that i just experienced like it’s just

you know i’m not getting into in

depth in politics what if something

i’m sure but

what if something happened and it was relevant to your

life like what if there was some new political decision

or some new

local law or whatever that is relevant to your life you

might start talking

about anything

like you know like what if you had

a really good friend and the friend was trying to get

married they were gay and then all of a sudden

law pass and you couldn’t

marry gay people anymore couldn’t get

married you

would say something

about that right yeah that would

upset me and i’m sure i would talk

about it and

then there’d be some guy in the audience going

fucking if i wanted to hear your fucking opinion

i’d beat it out of you

yeah i don’t know then i

would just say like

thank you sir

please sit back down

so you’re preparing you’re preparing yourself for all

these people to say shitty

things to you

yeah i mean i’m used to it i mean like you

said before you know if you get it from your friends

first when you get it from the outside

world it’s not so bad

yeah yeah arishafir’s helping you yeah

but i’ve always admired

chicks doing comedy

it’s more difficult than men doing it i think i think

it’s a totally different animal

and it’s like women’s

mixed martial arts too you

know like a lot of people don’t like watching women

fight like you know how much more

crazy it is for a chick to be fighting

that’s like a dude fighting with swords

like men want to fight it feels it’s normal

but for chicks to actually

train and fight and pick a girl like listen

bitch in six weeks we’re

gonna throw down you better be fucking ready

and then you running up pills and shit and

throwing sandbags around

for a girl to actually do that that bitch has got to be

crazy you know like off the deep end

crazy like ten times crazier than a man is doing it

they’re tough cookies i once had

lunch with this with chica nakamera

she’s like an undefeated champion boxer

and she like just

they’re tough i’m not scared she’s trying to finger

you or anything no

i wish she’s really hot you wish really you

would have went with it

probably what if she leaned over and just

grabbed the hairs in the back of your neck and just

balled them up and just controlled your head and just

my cat’s trying to get in here get out of here you fuck

would you let her do that

i guess i would how did you you would

you would let her

so you’re down for a lesbian experience

because some chicks gotta pull the trigger

yeah i guess i mean i’m pretty easy going so

whatever happens you’re pretty easy going

there’s no guys that ever say that so would you

think about gay sex i’m pretty easy going my

family thinks i’m a lesbian

really yeah why is that

cause you’re not married with a child already

that well no i think just

my mom is when i went

through college and not didn’t date my mom was like oh

yeah maybe you’re a lesbian

i have a neighbor who has a gay son

for sure really yeah

the kids like ten now oh

and i’ve been saying the kids gay forever

nothing’s anything

wrong with it

but i mean i’ve

been saying like look there’s this kid’s gay

and everyone’s

like you can’t say that you know he’s around his

mom all the time his dad’s always working on my stop it

stop it the kids gay

sometimes you know i mean in my opinion i think

you’re born gay and

it’s like being

a comedian this is actually important to me like

you’re born

a comedian and you just figure it out as you go along

yeah i don’t

think you’re born a comedian i

think you’re raised in a fucked up way

that makes you

want a lot more attention than a normal person gets

and it’s to compensate

from the lack of attention that

you got when you were younger and that’s why you become

a performer that’s why everyone becomes a performer i

think that’s

probably a more intelligent way of looking at it

maybe not everyone i shouldn’t say everyone cause

i’ve met some people that

just got into it and they had

great childhoods

they just i did i had a

great childhood

i think and no one believes me i did it

doesn’t sound like it from all the shit you’re saying

you were tortured

i mean i was tortured by everyone else but i’m really

close with my mom and dad

it doesn’t have to be

mom and dad

you know it

could be just all the

feelings of

alienation that you felt when you were younger

i think that’s a

but i always wonder like

i have this

crazy theory that gets overtalked

about on this

show that the entire

world that everything all the events car accidents

you drop the book

you know you move

into the this

in the parking lot like all

these things are all somehow or another connected

like some giant fucking mathematical program

and that really shitty parents

and shitty situations growing up

like coming out of

those things it’s like the

force the negative

force of those things

makes the rebound

makes so much

greater and it makes

the creativity so much

greater with the person it

makes the desire to perform

you know and

the ability to create something special

because the

fact that you desperately want this attention

and then all

these people benefit from that

like people that go to see it like wow they had this

great time why they have a

great time well they had a

great time because somewhere

along the line this kid got fucked with

you know so that negative

of that blossoms out and becomes this performance

and then it’s all somehow another balanced out

that’s pretty

intense bro

i mean it is i mean look

that’s where sluts come from

right sluts

come from they don’t they didn’t get enough attention

it’s always the same

story but guys look men

it’s very convenient that slots

exist because if

every time you had sex you have

to be in some like fucking serious relationship and

god that’s a lot of work you know like

maybe sometimes i’m confused i don’t know

where i’m at

and you just want to go around and fuck around

well you need slots man

or a flashlight or a

flashlight i like the way you segue

young lady you really know how to work this business

i see big things

when are we

expecting the little esther

podcast you gonna

start your own podcast

it’s in the

works it’s in the works it is is it really yes

it would be good

i think you’d be good at that shit

yeah and you

could fucking

you can interview

unicorns and stuff

yes it’s a good way to develop material too i think so

so you’re doing like

three minutes sets for the most part like

three to five minutes on

sundays and

mondays and then like whenever

i just search for bar shows and

spots at the comedy clubs and

so yeah like i would say

eight minutes

is like a good

what’s the most time you’ve ever done on stage

um like 20 20

that’s like the weird

that’s like when it

begins to get strange

right like you like got am i

still up here

i’m still talking like

the transition between like

those little

short sets and like doing a real set

you know it’s

definitely different and

especially to

like i’ve gotten so used to just having to prepare

three or five minutes

so now it’s like harder to be like oh i have to

keep going yeah

it’s definitely you use

twitter a lot to

write don’t you i do yeah

cause ever since i was like

i guess in high

school i used to

carry a notebook around with me

and just anything that

struck me as

weird i would

write it down

and that’s sort of how i’ve


that’s my twitter page now

and just so i can remember it

because i wanna make it something

later twitter’s

great because it gives you only 140 characters

right which makes it kind of an art form like you have

to edit and to

funny usually that’s good though

i always find that i get to

verbose there’s too many

words if i just

you just leave me

alone with everything i’ll

write a goddamn blog

60 000 characters long

just keep going

well really it

should be a couple sentences

yeah you don’t use

extra words and

it helps comedy that’s like a good comedy

tool yes yeah

140 characters is perfect it’s not even a text message

you know you just got to be

able to say something funny

really quick

it’s just it’s a strange

thing that we can connect to each

other like this you know there’s

never been a time in

human history

where it’s so easy to get in

touch with human beings

you don’t need a

magazine you don’t need a news station

i mean look at this we’re just talking

right now or

you know my fucking office

and we’re connected and

hundreds of thousands of people will download this

it’s very strange

you’re gonna have a lot of

new people masturbating to you oh yeah oh no thousands

right now there’s guys with

their dick out

right now you’re so

wrong you’re so

wrong little

ulster you’re so

exciting oh no you just became a hundred times more

exciting why all the stories you’ve told

no god damn girl

does that freak you out no do you

think you ever

pose for playboy

um i actually interned

for playboy in college and that’s not the same thing

um i don’t know

were you ever thrown into the hue mix

the hefner mix

no i was not i was not on that pretty side of things

if you got famous

you know and you

got an offer do you

think you would post for playboy probably i mean what

about hustler

no no too much

about penthouse

i don’t know the difference between all of them but

i was a nude

model the difference

between all

of them is playboy is impossible to jerk off to

right unless you’re desperate

if you’re jerking off to playboy you

might as well be jerking off the jcpenney’s catalog

who are we kidding

they’re all impossible to jerk off to now our

brains have gone past photos

no you know not necessarily if you

gotta do what you

gotta do really you’re

trapped in alabama in a

hotel room and there’s no internet connection

seven eleven you just close your eyes yeah

think about my cousin or something

i heard dream weaver will have to end with that song

can you can you download that song that’s how we’re

gonna end the podcast man

but i like it’s a beautiful song

from the seventies

do you yeah i think it’s cool

really yeah it’s cool

like i said earlier like i have a thing for

very pretty put together ladies

being naked mrs rogan had a really interesting

point she said that she thought it was

funny that playboy used to be like the girl next door

and penthouse was like these really skanky whores

she goes but now it seems like penthouse is

like regular girls they look like more like real girls

and playboy it’s like all

these bleach

blondes it’s like the same look over and over

again the holly madison type look

it’s like it’s a manufactured

look it’s like that’s become the look of playboy

and i think it happened when

somewhere around when hugh hefner stop fucking

he just like just like

everybody fucking you know what i mean

it wasn’t like what he was attracted to

it was like all of a

sudden you know it

would used to be like the girl next door man

but somehow

the girl next door

it’s not as

attractive as

it used to be to a lot of people a lot of people

would just rather have the whores

you know it’s just like i want big

stupid looking fake kids and

dirty i want to know that you’re gonna

definitely take it in the

mouth right away

you know i don’t

want to have to talk you in anything you’re a

freak you’re a

dirty bitch


they do like that why

cause we’re sad sad little

monkeys well it’s

exciting it’s

exciting i think it’s

exciting yeah

cause you don’t get that i don’t know it seems

cause it’s rare

yeah yeah it is exciting

and why are they

doing it they’re doing it because they’ve got a deficit

right something

yeah it’s the same

thing the reason why people become comedians

except usually there’s

abuse involved

in porn yeah almost always

every single one that i’ve ever

really sat down and talked to

after a while you get to the

heart of the

matter there’s something something happened

that shouldn’t have happened also to be a comedian i

think you have to have a very

strong brain and be really i

think you have to be really smart

yeah yeah you can’t

it’s hard you can’t just be molested no

so that would be nice though

but if you got a good body you can have like a chimp

brain just totally

porn oh yeah

there’s a lot of open micers that when you

watch them you can totally go i don’t

think even if this guy did it for 20 years he’ll

ever get it

he’ll ever be funny

so i think that

there’s something to that you have to be

definitely smarter or at

least at some

level with something

yeah there’s a lot of people that they don’t

understand what it really is

you know they

don’t know what the fuck they’re really doing

i’ve had friends that do it that that

tried to do it and i thought they

would be able to do it

and then they could

never figure out how to talk to an audience like

like i just like a

bunch of people

you know they

could they never figured out how to be themselves they

never figured out how to tap into it and they just

were terrible

where i thought that like

eddie bravo was

he bombed like he did it like nine times he bombed

horribly like six of

those nine times he

could never get it together

but if you talk to him in person he was always

funny would say

funny shit like

why can’t you go up there and do that like what is it i

think some people have an idea of

being a stand

up comedian and they don’t realize you just be yourself

there’s that and

there’s also some people when they’re forced to be on

stage with that spotlight on them and there’s a

bunch of strangers who don’t know them

and you’re demanding the stranger’s attention and then

you really start to make

an audit of your own thoughts like are

these worthy thoughts

do i really need to be the guy in

front of the

microphone or am i an idiot

and all any

weird fucking insecurities you have

about who you are

just come spilling out when you’re trying to

get people to

laugh and you have a

microphone and you’re the one who gets the mic and

the light is on you and

shit that’s

scary i think if you can accept that you’re gonna say

things that

people won’t

laugh at and it’s

gonna be you’ll be okay

i think it makes you a little more comfortable

yeah but that sucks dicks

sucks hard to be up there and

you be the one who’s commanding the attention and yeah

look at me look at me look at me

and they’re like okay i’m looking what um

okay what else um

so here’s something

crazy that happened

you know i hate i

can’t think

about it i know right

there’s that feeling

that tail spin feeling when you’re bombing oh ooh

and then you driving home and you’re like fuck

fuck oh my god and you’ll forget

about it for a

second then fuck you remember it

again shit fuck

have you ever let a heckler get to you like have

a heckler ever win

against you

no all hecklers are retards there’s no

genius there’s no

genius fucking brilliant awesome dude

hecklers they’re all cunts

they’re all dumb cunts they don’t

understand what’s

going on or

where they are

it’s like they’re so

stupid yeah

well you know

they’re just they really wish they were up on

stage they just don’t have the balls or the

brains or whatever the fuck it is

it’s just our society has gotten used to

having its own

input constantly in youtube

videos let me comment she’s

fucking sucking nigger dick

nigger cunt

i said that at a certain

point in time i want to get to

i wanna get to a

point where

every video

that i have that’s on youtube

just somebody just

writes nigger cunt in the comments

just because you can and no one can stop you

you know it’s like

because you can and your name is

luckshaw 964 you know

you could just

who are you you’re nothing you’re just a

voice out there

screaming into the abyss

do you think there’s ever

going to become a part

that we are

all like having to be like social security numbers

on the internet meaning you cannot no longer be joe

rogan iv you are

gonna be your social security number and

they’re going to take it that way

cause i think that’s social security

number no because if that’s the case

then people will be able to get your information no

no no i mean

not actually just having a number like the associate

should be your

fucking name you cowards

you know what’s your name is your name bob

smith will be fucking bob

smith you pussy

i’m joe rogan why do you gotta hide

well i like

you know i don’t want the people at work to know

what i’m doing well then you know what this that’s a

legitimate point actually i’m making fun of a

legitimate point

for a lot of people you know

we were reading

about this the

other day that

the number of people that get drug tested on the job

random drug tests it’s like 40

you fucking test me

yeah i’d make sure you

smoke pot if

you know but

still testing you’re not

smoking weed i don’t want you editing those

videos trust me

i don’t i don’t really

test you what i do is just i just collect your urine

it’s like a

hobby of mine

i showed her they

made icicles

out of it wait

will you tell me

about drinking your own urine

well you can just

drink it you can

drink your own but

does it really do anything

i don’t know

i mean you take vitamins once do you know if it’s good

for you i mean you got to read a lot of peer reviewed

papers on the

effects of vitamins then you have to objectively

analyze your own performance and you have to think

okay was i working

extra hard during that time does that

maybe why i feel better

was i watching what i eat

to really be sure that

a vitamin is benefiting you you’ve got to have a lot of

thinking about it you have

taken it over a long time and not take it

so i don’t know

i only drank my piss a few times oh

doesn’t taste that bad

would you ever

drink it’s really

in the back of your head if it was like

super healthy

yeah would you

drink so you

would maybe

taste it if we get some

you know google

searches yeah i guess

well there’s a lot

you can’t google

search because there’s a lot on

nutty websites

that want you wearing crystals

while you drink

your piss you

know fucking

and recycling your

sperm as well i notice

every time i type in symptoms

and to google

i always like oh you have aids you have crohn’s disease

oh when you type

in your own

yeah yeah like if it’s just like runny nose back pain

you have aids

you know you end up at some message

board like you

should just

throw the symptoms

into itunes and download elton john songs instead

there’s a recent

study that suggests that all cancer

is man created

that cancer did not

exist until

human beings

started fucking around with chemicals and

polluting the environment

and eating things they’re not supposed to be

eating and eating processed foods and an unnatural diet

and that in the natural form

if people just ate

plants and animals

and hunted and fished and there was no

pollution in the

water and we

lived like a nomadic

hunter gather existence

no cancer yes i that’s a

script man i

agree with it i’ve always thought that that’s

so what is a history of breast cancer

then is that just a history of being susceptible to

pollution i mean radiation

who knows from

being pinched

twist and sucked

i don’t think that’s

how do you know

i don’t know i said i don’t think

breaks down dna

you know like you’re doing this constantly it

breaks down the dna

it’s like the

lance armstrong

analogy the reason why one of you lost one of

those balls

because it’s always rubbing up

against that seat

the ball just got

tired of it it makes sense

that ball just tapped the fuck out

you never know

i mean but some of it they say is genetic too i thought

i’m gonna get tongue cancer yeah

but that’s what i don’t

understand is it genetic

is cancer if

people if it’s genetic that people get cancer is it

and if they

haven’t proven

which they have

not proven this is a theory that all cancer is man made

sure there has to be a

bunch of people that

don’t believe in it that also feel just as strongly

but if it is all man made then

all that a genetic


is is you’re more susceptible to whatever

these toxins are

that’s creating this

ailment in your body

um right yeah i

i don’t know it’s it’s hard because

yeah what can you have a genetic

predisposition to have cancer

yeah i mean if

will not if

what these people

are saying is that all cancer is because of

pollution and chemicals and

shit you’re not supposed to have in your body in the

first place

stuff that didn’t

exist in nature

until man started tampering with nature

if they’re right

then no you’re

just more susceptible to all this bullshit

right i mean

what actually kind of boggles my mind is that

i can eat peanuts

and someone else will eat a peanut and die

yeah crazy that’s so weird

and we have the same body

we all have

lungs and whatever

right well that’s when the autism argument gets really

trippy when you

start talking

about vaccinations

you know and people go well vaccinations can’t

cause autism they don’t

cause problems with kids they don’t do anything

you can’t even get a kid peanut butter

you’re not supposed

to give a kid peanut butter but it’s okay to

shoot all these chemicals and

these live viruses in the child

you’re sure

every child’s

gonna be cool with

but not necessarily

and then of course they’re

going to have

every scientific

study possible they will highlight the fact that

there is no

connection between

this and that and that and this

but when you research it you find out that

they’re the

vaccine courts in this country have given out

thousands of different awards to families because of

brain damage

caused by vaccines oh my god

thousands of different kids i mean it’s not just one

and this is what they’ve awarded

money to so

it’s not a black and

white area it’s fucking it’s

tricky different people’s bodies

respond differently to all sorts of

things that’s why i

never tell people smoke pot

drink beer do this

because some people can’t

some people

drink one beer

and all of a sudden

the switch goes off in

their head and they’re fucked and it’s gone

it’s not mean it’s probably not you but for some people

they have some

weird biochemical setup and

you know it makes them more susceptible to cancer

you know makes them more susceptible to this makes them

more susceptible to that and that’s just like a tomato

like if you don’t know you’re allergic to tomatoes

you eat a tomato

no bam you’re dead

my friend’s wife her

whole life has had problems with

wheat and she didn’t know it

she didn’t know

she had an allergy to

wheat so she had all

these health ailments

didn’t know what it was

didn’t know what

she had fatigue she’d get headaches all

these different things

cut out wheat gone

it’s not i i fear i

haven’t i feel like i have something like that

you know like yeah totally because there’s sometimes

where it just seems like i’m allergic to something i

should really get it

tested out but

then it goes away you know like it’s a lot of guessing

checking it’s really

annoying to deal with a

well your problem bright is you’re

still smoking cigarettes

yeah but i mean before

you know when i wasn’t smoking

cigarettes when you

weren’t smoking

you were only not smoking for like a year

so your body was probably trying

to recover from the fact you were smoking constantly

for your whole life

i mean when you say when you’re not smoking the

majority of your life you’ve been smoking it takes

a lot of years yeah

so even you saying when

i’m not smoking like you’re not in the peak of health

going fucking

drinking we

got juice all

right we’ve

got we’ve got

you know i mean

health is such a

tricky thing

as i’ve gotten

out like i’m

sitting here my back fucked up i hurt my back last

night in jiu

jitsu it’s not fucked up it’s

just some sort of a muscle pull

but as you get older

like for sure

i recognize the differences in good and bad behavior

you can still have a good body

and keep your body healthy and have all this energy

but you have to be way more diligent than

when you’re younger

you have to really make sure that

if i eat like shitty food if i go out and have

a big fat stupid cheeseburger and ice

cream sundae

and i will fucking hit

the wall yeah pain

is a good motivator like

that hurts later

sort of it’s

not that it hurts i just feel like well you

suffer a lard ass

i feel like i got hit with a tranquilizer

dart you feel gross and

that’s why like i’m

a fucking bear at the circus

ran a mock and

fired fucking darts in only just laying there

i don’t want to hang over

i see people

dealing with hangovers i’m like what’s that but

goddamn cheeseburgers are awesome

no i want the

five guys for the

first time the

other day yeah

yeah not as good as in and out

not as many choices and no

shakes we’ve been

to the counter

the counter

now is that another one that’s a good one and so with

the five guys

still pretty fucking awesome don’t get me wrong

i mean if i’m looking for something to eat and it’s

right there i’m

going in but

the lack of

shakes is really


it’s weird how the hamburger

places in la i don’t think it’s

spread out of la too much but like how there’s all

these now trendy burger

places now in la have you noticed just that flock

out of nowhere

oh no they’re

popping out the

habit is another one there’s one cup

oh i’ve been

there i’ve been

those those are pretty decent yeah those

are decent it’s

weird how that just came out

burgers are on gourmet

burgers are delicious and americans love murdered meat

yeah we love it we love

getting somebody else do all

dirty work and

packaging it into a nice circle

nice flat circle

cooking it up give it to me i don’t want to do anything

i don’t want to go out and fucking grow

grass and then have the cow eat the grass then

shoot the cow in the head and hanging up by its

ankles and gut it and

process it chop it up and

grind it down and then

press it and then cook it

just give me a burger

right okay and in

burger king in a mcdonald’s

who knows when that fucker was actually cooked

mean those things

are just sitting in a bin and they flip it onto a pad

throw it in the microwave

i had mcdonald’s the

other day and it’s

weird how you actually

don’t even think

about it when you’re eating it that

hey this is actually

really supposed to be like a hamburger it’s not

supposed to be like a mcdonald’s you know it’s like

a different taste

it’s like i always

get the two double cheeseburger meal they’re like

little cookies yeah it’s like

hamburger cookies

that’s hilarious

but yeah you don’t really

think of it

like wow this is like really good cow you know this

is a good hamburger no

there’s a website online

where a dude has

he’s running

a running tally i don’t know if it’s

legit but i

think he said it’s like

180 days so far

he kept a happy meal and it hasn’t rotted yet

what it just

dried out sitting there yeah he’s got all these

photos of it it was on the

board it was on the rogan

board i think i remember

seeing it yeah

and he’s got a

photo of it at

180 days and it looks like

perfect today

preservatives are really

scary yeah what the fuck is that doing to your body

whew some stuff that keeps

things from growing on it that’s not

good to have in your body when your body consists of a

bunch of different

positive organisms that are helping you you

know all these different

bacteria that

you need like acidophilus and probiotics and

what is happening when you’re eating

are they going to war

are those preservatives

going to war with

the good bacteria in your body

i remember hearing that like

dead bodies were just decomposing a lot slower

than they used to

i don’t know really yeah

would you hear that

that’s interesting

sounds like some peeta talk

this is what i’ve heard man

i don’t give a fuck how

quick i rot

then the whole the

whole thing when you die in your hair still

still grows is that true though oh i hope not

i heard it was

maybe a little bit

i don’t because it’s growing

right well yeah i mean to

think like what it was already

gonna grow kind

of pops out yeah

it was like a little

cycle to it

hmm i don’t know

there’s a crazy

story i watched on hbo once

where they had that

do you remember that guy dr baden

he was the autopsy guy

i believe that’s in his name dr baden hbo

real autopsy

i forget what the name of the show was

like grace thanks i do

one of the most

fascinating ones was this one guy his wife died

okay and he kept

preserving her

and like he was i don’t know if he worked

at a funeral home or whatever the fuck he did but

he somehow another kind of embalmed her body

and created like a little

flashlight little plastic tube

okay no it wasn’t his wife

that’s why it was so creepy

it was one of his patients

and he fell in love with her

somehow another he got this woman’s

i believe it’s a patient i’m fucking this

whole story up now

the bottom line is this dude had a corpse in his house

that he kept preserved and he would

cover it with gallons and gallons of perfume

designed like a little plastic vagina it

would fuck this plastic vagina

what yeah and he

stole the body from the

graveyard like he went into the

graveyard took

the body out

brought it into his house

and was like

covering it with perfume they had bought

crates of perfume

and they just found it

yeah this rotting

fucking hunk of meat

that feels he

used to be this

woman and he’s

sticking his dick in like this little

garden hose that he’s created

for her vagina

oh my god i’ll

try it once

try once people a lot of tequila

a lot of people do

freaky things to dead

bodies just like something

to them like desecrating a corpse is like a huge

crime you know like

people that’s like it’s offensive to society it’s like

for a lot of people it’s like the

ultimate taboo

like dig somebody up when they’re dead

look i got the head ew

i look like

i’m a retard i got

these fake skulls

everywhere all around

it’s a little different though yeah but what

is this fascination like what is the fascination with

skulls and shit like

this is a real one actually

yeah it’s totally

real no it’s not it is get away

from me then please oh my god she’s retarded

doesn’t look anything real it’s got tribal

all over its head you

could carve

that into the

skull i don’t know yes

if you were a maori

i’m going for

a living in new zealand

are you really

if someone’s

gonna tell me something

why are they

lying i don’t know

right cause you

wouldn’t lie

not really so it’s good for you to be around a

bunch of scumbags yeah

that’s why i have to be pretty careful

yeah you got to be careful

to carry a knife to the comedy

show no i don’t how do you become friends with brian

um oh no not

a show oh he saw my

video and thought it was funny

and then what are you doing you bust a move no

what did he do

you can tell

i came up i came up to you and i was like

i just want you to know

you wait what did i say

you’re like can i be your stalker

oh god brian

no i said your

video was cool and then i said i’m your new

stalker and then

every time i walked by i

think i was like

you’re so awesome

or something like dumb like that

wow really smooth pickup moves

pick up well

it’s worked

did it work

yeah we’ve successfully

made a lot of

videos together

pretty awesome

you guys just killed the shit out of this conversation

fucking faggotry

so what is gay

so what is yeah you can’t say that

right how sensitive

are you to that like the idea that there’s certain

things that are offensive to talk about and

and expressions like you can’t say gay like that’s gay

like that really bothers a lot of people um

it’s hard i mean sometimes you say that i say zero

amongst friends you’ll say that’s gay

right not really i’ve

tried to police myself on it a little bit

but it’s definite i know i

i know that it’s not rooted in some sort of evil hatred

i love gay people i like i said i probably am gay

so it’s hard for me

i don’t know i

but it’s tricky

right sometimes

people say it and they don’t mean it i mean

i say faggot

all the time i do

yeah sometimes people get mad at me

and they’ll say like you know

what you’re saying is hateful this then i’m like no

it’s not what i mean words are not hateful me

like feelings are hateful right

intent is hateful yeah but if you were

think about

you know you

were the type of person who was ostracized as a

child and all these

pretty cunts like kept you on the outside

what if that

was a word that they used all the time for you what

if you actually were gay and you were gay at a young

age and you know it’s like look at her that fucking gay

loser and then

you’re around

people and they’re like that’s gay that’s gay

shit i’m gay

and you’re saying this

movie is gay

what the fuck man

yeah it sort of

does suck but i

think you can’t give words that much

power and if you do

it’s not smart i don’t know but is that easy

to say because you’re on the outside of it maybe yeah

probably i think

about that sometimes but

other than i think

stop it faggot

fucking get over it it’s a big deal

yeah i mean

some i don’t know

i really think that if you’re not

racist really and if you’re not

hateful of gay people

really then say what you want i mean there’s certain

things that are fucking gay like

men blow drying their hair

always gay you

don’t want to dry your hair

naturally that’s gay

what you wanna

accelerate the drying process

right fucking

queer face mask

those are gay it’s so gay they even call them facials

but yet all it is is like hey man

you like to open your

pores so you don’t have

your face doesn’t

break out you’re gay you know

it’s real though i don’t

feel like that’s gay if you have bad skin you want to

clear your skin up i

think you should

love yeah but you came over to my

house and had a face mask on that blue you back

well leave that

face mask bro

face mask what you wear before you go to bed

and you watch

american psycho

yes you read that book it’s all

about facials and masks and fucking

so he wasn’t gay he was

crazy scary

it’s like red bull and

not red bull well

cranberry and

cranberry and

vodkas you know like the

second you throw triple sec into that shit

that’s called a cosmo

and if you can’t

drink a cosmo that’s fucking gay but yet it’s just a

splash of triple sec

i like girly

drinks i drink like

white russians

i like white russians

that’s kind of girly i like

pina coladas and shit stuff with

i don’t get it people

think that they’re

so refined that they like

these it’s just like you want it to

taste like candy

sometimes but sometimes you don’t i like jack daniels

that’s sometimes i like a beer

you know like a

sam adams and a shot of jack daniels that’s like that’s

two ass tastes

you know so it’s not

candy at all

but it’s weird how you

the older you get you

start liking

things like

i never liked blue cheese

but then around 24 i’m like oh blue cheese is awesome

you know and

you have these things

you have these

things just like that though like i

never used to like

pickles now i’m fucking

addicted to pickles

olives i still don’t like it

blue cheese is

trippy cause it’s mold

yeah i like it you know

when we were out

here back there

yeah right a lot of cheese is

when we were on fear factor we used

a lot of expensive cheese

for the stunts

cause some of

them there’s a cheese shop in beverly hills

that has like really authentic

french cheeses and all

these different european cheeses

that are like really really

strong like

their smell is horrendous

and somehow none of

these freaky fucks in europe they get into this stuff

and they would

bring it out to the set and we

would open up the tubs and make everybody

smell it and they

would be like

vomiting like

literally people be dry

heaving and this is some shit that was really expensive

you know it is just a funky

powerful cheese

and we would

throw that that was like our

secret ingredient that we

would throw

into a lot of

the blended shit that people had to eat that

smelled horrific

the reason why it

smelled bad is

worms don’t really

smell that bad when you

grind them up

you have to

throw that funky fucking shit cheese in

that’s what made it

smell better

yeah worms just

smell like worms

especially because they’re

fresh worms

well their foot

smells like dirt kind of

because really that’s all they are they’re like

tissue and dirt you’re

drinking dirt

but the worms that we’re getting we’re getting

these worms

that come from dirt farms so they know what the

fucking worms are eating it’s all you get them out of

a fish supply shop

so really eating worms is not that big a deal

big deal was this fucking cheese yeah

then this cheese is expensive that

people like yeah

did you get the fromage

and it is oh the smell ah

it’s beautiful

for whatever reason people just got into

those fucking creepy

smells i recently

found out that i am a video game

trans transexual

video game trends such as anytime i’d

never even thought

about oh you play as a girl yeah i always play as

a girl like i just got this new game called fallout new

vegas where it’s like

you’re looking at an ass

the whole time you’re running around

the whole game and it’s

gonna take you

months to beat this game

and i’m thinking

i don’t want to look at a man’s ass so i’m

gonna pick a girl character

you know so i

and i think back i’ve always like tony

hawk you know any kind of

video game i play

i’m always playing girl characters

i always pick girl characters if it sucks though

these guys end up hitting on you

thinking that you’re a girl

and so then it makes you even feel more gay

well how often

do you hit on the back do you

fuck around

and pretend that you’re a girl

yeah especially if i don’t have a microphone

i’ll just like turn around a couple times you know

shake it a little yeah that’s a big

thing right now see i’m out of the loop

video games but a lot of people

are talking and they’re online they’re talking on


right well nowadays yeah usually

shit that would be

annoying man i don’t want to hear all these

it’s weird because

video games if you ever thought you know what

i don’t think people are

racist against

black people that much anymore

second you go online bullshit all

all the rules are out it’s just non stop

racism it’s just like message boards

it’s same thing

except they don’t have to

worry about

their account being good for six

months or a year and keep talking on the master board

they figure this is the one game i

wanna see you you nigger cunt

no identity

it’s really

weird though when you’re playing a

video game and it’s usually like

you know like one

other person

and it’s just like an 11 year old kid and you’re like

so how old are you and you’re like 11

and you’re like oh hey

that’s great so

we should go over here and get the sword

okay i feel like you seem

very strong

people that play

video games are like 11 year olds and like 37 year olds

right no no no there’s people that are playing

video games all day

video games are addictive as fuck they’re awesome

that’s the problem

they’re so much fun to play they’re so goddamn addicted

i need to find one that i would like

it’s a weird

thing to me

it’s a weird

thing to me that we have like this

level of connectivity

with like twitter and facebook and

and message

boards and stuff like that we have this crazy

level of connectivity

we’re way more

immersed in each

other’s lives

than we’ve ever been before

but yet it’s easier

to be anonymous and to be cunty with people

it’s easier to like say shitty

things because you’re not saying it in

front of them

you don’t have to deal with the social consequences of

looking him

in the eye and insulting them he just you fucking shit

yeah and they can just do it

that’s a weird

thing it’s like we’re more immersed

but we’re more


it’s like and we’re slowly

becoming more and more used to

you know being able to be

shitty to people with no repercussions and not worried

about it and being able to

take out all your own personal bullshit

on some just

random stranger online and attack them and try to

break them down

and you really like you’re going

about your day in

total silence

you’re sitting in

front of the keyboard

click click

click click

saying the meanest nastiest

most harsh shit

but meanwhile there’s no

sound coming out and you’re walking around your

house you’re

pouring yourself coffee

and you’re going back to the message

board and typing some more horrible evil shit

you know it’s a very strange thing that

it used to be all our interactions

that we had the ones that we’re designed for

or we look at each other

and then all of a

sudden someone invented a phone

as well now

you’re interacting with someone you can’t see anymore

and then all of a sudden

the person becomes faceless

and now they’re on a message

board and now you’re just a name

and yeah they say

whatever they want yeah and your avatar is buckwheat

you know it’s like okay who is this guy he’s

got buckwheat from

little rascals as his

photo i don’t even know who

the fuck he is and then they tell me that i’m ugly and

yes exactly

and i’m like what

dude so many people have been exposed from my message

board like so many people that were like really

super cunty

but they fucked up and somewhere

along the line one of the internet

sleuths figured out who

they were and

threw their

photos up and all

their facebook photos and

you get to see oh you’re a douchebag

oh here you are

how many times that happened on the rogen board

totally all the time

oh my god we had this one guy who was in

asshole he was so mean to everybody like

on and you couldn’t

tell him to stop doing it like at a certain

point in time it was like

fuck dude you know stop being a douchebag and a

contrary and

every time a fucking

argument comes up you’re insulting people saying

we found out he was like

700 pounds oh my god

and he would post on this weight loss forum

and he got his stomach fixed

he was a staple

yeah it was always like

super critical of anybody who did anything to

their biology

you don’t have the

heart and willpower to do it on your own

while he’s this fat fuck

living in his own shit his own

apartment the reason why he was such an asshole

is because his life sucked

and then it was exposed

floppo found that guy

and just posted all of his

photos and all of his testimonials

about oh my god and he was a

totally different person on this site

on our site he was just a mean

nasty asshole on that website he was all

about like it was like you know positive energy like he

was on oprah

stuff yeah like he was on oprah

he was like

well just trying to get used to the diet lol

wink yeah i mean you

you learn a lot

about a person’s character when they’re anonymous

you know you get to know a lot i mean one of the

things i found

about my message board is

there’s like

three plus million posts on it now

i mean it’s been around

since like 1998 there’s thousands

and thousands of members and

every day there’s thousands of posts

and you really can get to know someone

just by reading

their words

you really can because

weird situations

will come up well someone will say something

you can take it one way you can take it another way you

could be upset you

could be insulting

you could be

you could listen to

their criticism and

agree with it and

have your own


and objective viewpoint but people are so attached

even to these little anonymous fake names

that you criticize

their anonymous fake

screen name and that shit hits personal

and then they go after you

and then they go after each

other i see these

flame wars like back and forth i’m like

how much of this

would really happen if you guys were

standing in

front of each

other none of it none of it right

that’s like they have

those awkward

meetings of like the people from the internet

and then no one says anything

we’ve done that a bunch

we were doing that in the 90s

on my message

board the first one was like the cleveland

circle jerk or the houston circle jerk i

think was 99 99 or 2000

we were doing it like before i was on fear factor we

would have these

these message

board meetings

where people

would you know

come from the message

board and we would

would all be in

you know houston

or whatever and we’d all go out to dinner together

and you got to meet the creeps too

there was like a few guys

that we were hung out with like now i know why such

a shithead like you meet the guy in real life it’s like

fucking shifty and

weird and looks like he’d roofy your

drinks and you know

there’s always a guy that you meet

like we went to a

strip club with one guy from the message board

and one of the

strippers came over and put her hands on i’m just like

would you like a

dance don’t

touch me whore

we’re like whoa

don’t touch me or

and she went over and told the

bouncer and the

bouncer came over to him and he looked at me like i was

gonna say i’m like dude go

get away you’re done

you’re done son

yeah you’re a fucking

creep don’t

touch me whore

those people are really hurt inside

yeah but you know it’s not all that mean it’s like

he didn’t come off that way online

which is strange he

would say like mean nasty shit

but like normal like everybody else

is a mean nasty shit it’s like

kind of commonplace

he never like saw that

on you know that in his online

thing he just seemed kind of annoying

and then you know you see him

in real life and you’re like

oh you’re fucked you’re a mess you know you never know

and then there’s people that won’t even meet us

which is like a whole new

thing you know

like flappo

this is this guy

named flappo

and he won’t even come meet us i

wouldn’t want to

i don’t know why

well because

he doesn’t because he attacks everybody he

doesn’t want you finding out what’s what’s really wrong

he knows we love him

yeah well anon

hey that guy

had mad balls

we had this guy named anon

who is on our website he’s been on my website

since like the

like 2000 or something maybe nine

before that yeah

and we were

doing a show

in san francisco and somehow another came up

we were talking to him

this was like five years ago more

more than five years ago

so i said you

want to come out of san francisco man i’ll fly you out

so he’s like okay

like he went with it and he was like this

troll online

like constantly fucking with people and

like 9 11 happened and he was like

two hours later he’s already you know too

early too soon yeah

he’s ruthless like

fucking with people and stuff

we hung out with him and he was a nice guy

that’s cool he was nice when we hung out we

i gave him a pot lollipop he

could handle it he

threw it up

threw up in the

street oh god i

forgot about that

yeah pot lollipops are very

powerful if someone tries to give you pot like

edible pot don’t do it don’t do it really

yes run away do not

do it do not do it

when they’ll say like oh it’s just a little bit

you need to be an experienced

pot smoker before you

start fucking around with edibles

unless you know that like

this is your very best friend and your friend made

these brownies and she told you listen

if you take a quarter of this you’re

gonna be fine but that’s just a quarter and we’re not

going anywhere anyway we’re just gonna sit on the

couch and watch tv

and it’ll be weird but you’re gonna be okay

and you go okay i

trust you let’s

do this but if you’re just like hanging out at a

party or something

and someone says yeah you want a pot cookie

no you do not want a pot

you know how many times people at the comedy

store have been like eat this pot

brownie you’ve

never tried pot

eat this so irresponsible oh my god

thank god i’m

those will fucking

freak you the fuck out

we were talking on the last podcast

about i got too high on a flight i

ate a pot cookie and

some dude farted on melanie griffith’s head

what long story

but i got so high i got so high

that i almost peed myself i

literally thought

about doing it

eating pot is way more

strong than smoking it a

hundred times not really like five times more powerful

it’s like you you get

way too high way too

quick visual

on top of yeah

where we different more

happy and mellow like

you know muscle

relaxer type

kind of body buzz

that’s more visual

it’s gonna fuck with your

visuals and

everything when you

close your eyes you see cartoons fucking oh my god

cartoons moving around and

changing shape like

i saw all these look like they looked like 1960s

spider man comic books

like that style of drawing

but it was all like animals that didn’t exist wow

it was all like

and they were constantly

changing like

every second

every half a

second it was a new animal

and there were animals that didn’t

exist all drawn like jack

kirby style

you know like

early marvel

comics and they were just moving and they were like

all two inches long

and the entire sky was filled with them wow

that’s awesome

i just closed my eyes and

watched that for like an hour

lucky that’s so

weird i can’t even

freaking out though

it was too high to

enjoy it i can’t even imagine that’s so weird

kind of like

dreams you know how

dreams dreams

are fun yeah

it’s like that but

you’re in real world

eating pies

is really too

introspective too it makes you like really

start thinking

about your life like i

broke down my

whole childhood i

started thinking

about my you

start really like considering all of your behavior

and the way you interact with people and all the

things you’ve done

wrong and all the

things you would love to take back and

you know it’s really just fucking it’s a mind fuck

because it’s another chemical

it’s another chemical when you eat it you

should know

your liver produces a chemical called

11 hydroxy metabolite

that’s what it is and it’s only when you eat pot

it’s not active in psychoactive doses when you

smoke it so it’s

literally different than being

stoned when you

smoke in it

very dangerous so don’t let

those assholes just give you a pop

brownie that’s douchey yeah

that’s so douchey

i know hey little girl

eat this pop

brownie you’re in the corner

curled up in the fetal position in the puddle of piss

because there’s no way to make it stop no there’s no

way that’s terrifying to me you can try coffee

but that doesn’t work

you just get like hyper and high

at the same time

you know you’re still like nervous and freaked out and

you’ll still be paranoid

i remember once i was a

bad acid trip and for some reason i always thought that

drinking a bunch of milk was supposed to do something

so i remember sitting there fucking

sweating my ass off panicking

chugging milk

i remember i

might have done a

whole thing of milk but then there’s something

where your body just starts rejecting milk

and i just start puking milk

everywhere or tripping

and i just remember the next day i forgot i had done it

and i just went into the

kitchen and there was just milk all over the floor oh

no it’s so disgusting

were you living at home or were you living alone

i was living alone

in a little

one bedroom it

would suck if you had to explain that shit to your mom

brian why is there milk and cheerios all over the floor

i didn’t realize that

like lactose had a real effect on you i

never really paid attention to it

until i started

drinking raw milk

what’s raw milk

raw milk is just milk that hasn’t been homogenized or


and you can get it like whole food

stores i don’t know if they have it anymore they

stopped carrying its milk completely though right now

yeah why cuz it probably what you’re

about to say will help well

the raw in with raw milk it’s

it’s dangerous

where you don’t

want to let it go too long you don’t want to like

keep it around like you can’t like

you get a carton of milk a corton

you get a carton of milk and you look at the

expiration date it’s like a

month how the fuck is this gonna stay good for a month

because everything

worthwhile has been barbecued out of it i mean there’s

still protein in it and

still calcium in it but

for the most part all the enzymes all the

things that

allow you to digest it correctly

they’re all gone

but when you get raw milk you get

everything in it and it’s really

easy to digest it’s like it feels totally different

it feels different in your body is it

gross though no it

tastes good man i was

drinking raw chocolate milk

but i think they stopped

carrying it because i

think it’s dangerous

why is it dangerous

whole foods used to be like

these take chances

but then they

found out that kombucha like this

stuff that i love this

stuff i love that

stuff i’m a big fan

of probiotics

very important

like probiotics are fucking huge for your health

so i take acidopolis and i

drink probiotic

drinks like this kombucha shit

but apparently it’s

and some of them if it sits too long it ferments

too long then it becomes more than one half of 1

alcohol so then

whole foods like pull them out all other

stores they’re back now though

right are they back

well they have

some kombucha but do they have the gts kombucha

that’s like the real

i don’t know

that’s the real shit like you get

chunks of the mushroom in it or the fungus the little

boogers it’s like someone shot loads into your drink

you don’t get that out of the

wheat kombucha

the wheat kombucha

is just oh yeah

they have it out of the tap now at

whole foods

yeah the stuff that they’re growing

they’re making it that’s weak

you know this company gts that was making it

that shit is powerful

i haven’t gotten sick in over a year really i

would get sick constantly because i’m always traveling

traveling and shaking people’s hands and you’re

going on the road and you’re in

planes and all that

coming in contact with all

these different germs and bugs like for a long time

like every couple

months i’d get a cold for the longest time because

all the traveling

with this stuff

never i don’t get sick

i don’t get sick and i’m always getting like four

hours sleep then i take a flight

i get tired like normal and

everything but i’m not getting sick anymore

and a huge chunk of that is this stuff

and acidophilus what what’s

acid office is

it’s a milk culture

it’s a bacteria

that originates from yeah

you keep it in your refrigerator

and it’s a live bacteria it’s a healthy bacteria

but it’s a very

aggressive healthy bacteria when you eat acidophilus

all the negative

stuff that you come in contact with when

you touch someone’s hands and they get

a cold or a sickness

your acidophilus attacks all that shit

it’s like having warriors in your body to

fight off bad germs and

since you don’t usually eat

yogurt because you don’t like milks

you should really well i just

started taking a probiotic supplement

yeah kombucha is a great one

it’s a great

calcium supplement though because i noticed your

nails always have like the calcium

lack i think that’s

zinc what’s

wrong with your nails

what are you a fucking weirdo

know what’s

wrong with her

because i take a lot of

pictures of her hands

i was a hand model yeah

yeah i was an american girl

magazine cat

hands are tiny

they’re so small

it’s like where’s the rest of look

at her feet

her feet are

smaller than

wow those are

my daughter lola’s feet

might be a little bigger than yours she’s two

she made me take my shoes off

she did yeah

to go in the playroom

that’s hilarious

yeah you guys look like you’re in the same grade

we have the same halloween

how did we get on this hands and feet thing because

what point yeah how the hell do you know

because i thought that was cows when you have the

white lines on your nails

lack of calcium i’ll be honest this has that

started when i went

vegan so there is downside oh

really yeah

there’s also yeah you

should totally take

some kind of calcium

you know supplement it’s calcium i think it’s yeah

but you’re supposed to have a certain amount of calcium

i get calcium

broccoli has

more calcium

those little lines

yeah you don’t eat broccoli

yes i do do you like crazy

broccoli has

much calcium than what then i

think it had i’m not

gonna say but i

think it has a lot of calcium

it’s got a lot of protein too yeah broccoli has protein

broccoli is

great that’s why

gorillas love broccoli

if you go to the zoo they

throw gorillas

and chimps they’re always thrown on broccoli

they really want to eat

monkeys but they don’t let them

i think that’s

so fucked up they don’t let animals in the zoo kill

things at the very

least they should be

allowing them to do what they’re

naturally put on this planet to do

you know when you’re sliding a cold tray of meat

into a cage

and a lion looks at that means like what the fuck man

let me kill some shit

let me kill some shit son

get some of that is it sad

yeah do you are you an animal

rights person um

i’m not out there doing anything for

it but i believe in it and i like the people that are

i appreciate them

the only problem

with that is if you don’t kill some of them

then they will overpopulate

let’s say if we stop killing

cows and stop killing chickens and stop killing deer

if we really did that we have a real issue

is that really true i

know that of course well it’s

definitely true with deer one of the most important

thing about controlling deer

populations is making sure the

population doesn’t get too big

for the resources

that they have available to them you can’t have a

bunch of deer

starving to

death and getting

sick and diseases because there’s no food

you know and deer will just like

rabbits just like rats just like any

other animal that’s wild and

especially in a competitive environment like that

they breed as much as they can i mean

they pump out as many little baby deer as possible

you know if you go to a

place like where i

lived in boulder

i lived in colorado

they don’t nobody in

boulders all nutty crunchy and no one

shooting deer

so the deer

like fearless so they’re everywhere

so you have to

be very careful when you’re driving around because you

could slam into them at

night they’ll just

jump in front of the road and all said you know

there’s a fucking deer with his antlers

through your windshield goring you to

death you know that happens to people

it’s tricky

so if you’re not eating

cows and you’re not eating lamb and you’re not eating

you’re gonna have to do something you have to

separate them

keep them from

breeding you have to do something to control the

population you’re

gonna have to be proactive

about it i mean

i’m not against eating meat i

think it’s fine

what i don’t like and what makes me cry is

yeah exactly i

watched a documentary called food ink

which i literally

never cried so hard

yeah you know you ever

watched anthony bourdain’s show no i

haven’t seen that actually it’s a

good show it’s called no reservations it’s on the

travel channel he’s a chef and

it’s a really

interesting guy it’s one of my favorite shows

and he goes all over the country and all over the

world even and

goes to all

these different

cultures and sees

what they eat and talks to the people there and

tries to find out

their traditions

about their food

kind of really fascinating

well one of the

things he did he went to this

place in maine and

it’s a restaurant in maine

that does everything

they have their own farm they grow all

their own produce

they grow all

their own animals they

slaughter their own animals butcher

their own animals

and then serve them and cook them

and it was really

interesting that’s cool yeah because here’s

these guys i mean this

guy was petting this pig and he’s like you know it’s

kinda weird

cause you know you’re petting it

but then you’re also like looking at it like wow it’s

gonna make some nice

bacon and there’s some ham

right here and like

but it’s a real it’s the reality of it

and you know that’s

where they’re there for they’re not

gonna live forever

if you don’t eat them okay they’re eventually

gonna die these are temporary creatures

and it’s like to give them as much

freedom and dignity

and you know and to

treat them as

humanely as possible before you kill them yeah

still killing them

the real problem is that

right the real problem is not the killing em

the real problem

is the suffering

before you kill em it’s

horrible because this didn’t seem offensive it seems

shocking to me like that this guy was petting this pig

talking about it being

bacon and ham

but he’s still petting the pig

and the pig

wasn’t freaked

out at all and the pig was eating well and it’s like

okay well i mean that’s the food

chain yeah i guess yeah

but that’s the problem with a lot of the animal

rights people

and the animal

rights movement

it’s like they don’t believe in the food

chain they believe we stop killing animals period

but if we do that like you have to take into

consideration that a lot of animals are here

and they’re here as prey animals like in the natural

cycle of things

if you have deer well you have to have mountain lions

if you don’t have mountain lions to take out

these deer or coyotes to take out these deer

well who fucks

gonna eat all the deer

what are you

gonna have a

just gigantic overpopulation of them what are you

gonna do you’re

gonna start

breeding mountain lions so now you have mountain lions

everywhere you have millions

of mountain lions and millions of deer like really

is that the solution


gonna happen

right i mean

we look at this utopian granola

fucking unicorn way of life that

you know hey man we

should just

leave the animals alone

we’re kind of past that we can’t really do that

there has to be some sort of

if you were

going to stop eating animals there

would have to be some

sort of strategy for dealing with overpopulation and

right now we can’t even control that with animals and

like cats and

dogs we have a hard time we’re killing them at

fucking you

know the rescue

places are killing

them left around

peta kills them

peta kills animals left and

right i mean put all the animals on boats

so they stroke

they’re still

alive there’s so much extra

water out there you just

let him float

for the rest of

their lives it’s like a holocaust of animals we keep

killing animals and keeping them in cells this is sad

there’s so many chihuahuas that are fucking murdered

or put to sleep

every year especially in

california because people just buy chihuahuas and then

send them back to the

pound like if you go to the

pounds are shipping chihuahuas out of

california to other

states to try to

get rid of them because there’s so much over chihuahua

population you know

it’s like instead of killing all these

squads i bring

paris hilton put

him on a boat

to blame paris hilton totally

i loved her in high

school though i bought

her did you

really i bought her

book you bought her book

between her and jenna

jameson who’s been the bigger

influence on your life

i wouldn’t call them

influences i

would just call them heroes

some pretty girls people that

i’m interested in people that you’re interested in yeah

oh my god i

loved when their true hollywood stories

were on the hilton

sisters and then

jenna jameson

yeah there was another

hilton whatever happened that one she kind of faded out

nikki hilton she’s

still around it what the fuck

where’s niki hilton

i used to follow her on twitter and they were so dumb

they’re really

disappointing no there’s no one dumber than cat

stacks i hate cat

stacks that’s her twitter name

and it’s all about her

fucking all

these rappers she fucks all

these rappers

and she gets

videos of her with

these rappers

and then she like he be all doing cocaine

hit dick holly

get hard this

thinking bailey fuck me

and she and but she’s got like a hundred thousand

fucking more than that almost two hundred thousand

twitter followers porn

stars on twitter i have

i used to want to follow porn stars on twitter

they do not stop

tweeting they tweet

going to get my workout on yeah like

every all day

every day well they’re sad

children and

they’re looking to connect with someone that loves them

i like to follow not the porn

stars i like to follow them

but then when i look at them

replying to a guy

then i like to go to his website

and see what does that guy have to say

these guys that are

tweeting the pornstars

that’s where the fucking real interesting shit is

you know i went to this one guy

and it was like

silence of the lambs it was like

kicking in the door with the flashlight

flashlight with the fucking pistol like

going oh shit

i went to this guy’s twitter page and it was all him

interacting with porn stars

and a lot of it was like

crazy talk a lot of it was like

you know you are incredibly inspirational to me

i just think

it’s amazing how you put yourself out there

my god i mean i don’t know how you do it but

it moves me and i feel connected to you and i’m

since you’ve contacted me and this guy’s

going on and on and on like 10

tweets in a row

the same person

you know which

when you know you get nutty

it’s like dudes can’t

recognized concept of

140 characters

no it’s 140 and

140 more and 140 more

and like i just stopped reading your shit sorry

no i can’t read that

this guy had like 10

10 to one porn star

what’s really

weird is the

people that you know all the porn stars have like their

shopping list

their amazon wish list

i didn’t know about that

until like a year ago how

gross is that oh it’s totally

gross and so they just pumped that shit all day

there was somebody that said something the

other day i

can’t remember who it was and hopefully i’m not

friends with this person but they said something like

all you guys

getting mad at me for pumping my amazon wish list

i showed you my

boobs yesterday

oh my god come on really yes

like i need to be paid for this

right i need to be paid for my boobs

jesus christ

just give me the ps

three slim i just want it

how weird is that

the amazon wish list it’s like come on i know you’re a

loser buy me some shit

what’s really

weird is that i i

is how many people actually

buy them stuff

oh that guy with the ten fucking

tweets the porn star he’s

definitely better

stop like when i used to know this girl that did porn

she she would get like

shoes from the guy then like

outfits and then like a

purse and then sunglasses

it was like this guy felt like he was dating her whoa

but if you think

about it like

ten years ago

there was no way for a creepy guy on the internet to

contact a pornstar

and now he has twitter and can actually get a response

yeah that’s

crazy letters back and

if he does something cool like buys her a new

purse you know for sure she’s

gonna say omg thank you

so much you’re so

sweet gross wow

yeah and then

maybe she’s

gonna come to cleveland

and fucking show her

pussy at some club ew

you know they do that they go on the road

and do these

things cause

strip clubs

well a lot of

these girls

these poor girls that you

know the industry is falling apart

used to be the porn on industry you know they

could just get into porn they

could get a vivid contract and make

a ton of money

well the internet

crushed it the

internet i mean this is free porn it’s

everywhere who

the hell is buying porn it’s like the business is

completely falling apart

the business

model just eroded because of the internet

i think that’s

why the recession happened the internet before

well they had a

legitimate fucking beef you know they were talking

about all these people getting bailouts they’re like

what about the porn industry

right yeah we’re

gonna bail you out

you dirty birds

that’s pretty fucked up too true

it’s a legit business

where billions of fucking dollars are coming from it

and millions

and millions of people all throughout this country are

enjoying porn

it’s a legit business to bail out but no one

would ever dare

spend your fucking tax dollars

keeping some fucking

porno house and chatsworth over

you know yeah it’s

crazy right totally what’s really

weird to me is i don’t get the whole

like say like you like jen and jameson

and you’re just like ah you know you can’t find any

videos of jen and

jameson on the internet

for some reason the internet’s broken or whatever

right for jen and

jameson videos

so you see there’s a

video of her that costs 10

and it’s just her getting anal

and then here’s just

never done anal

ok well that is an example right

it would be

worth way more than 10

bucks is what i’m trying

right now here’s miscellaneous hot girl

over here anal

video for free

why would you

is there that big of a difference to pay 10

bucks to see this

girl do it i’m

sure there is

oh dude guys become obsessed with the girl

becomes their jerk off girlfriend

i use that i guess

porn as masturbation

and then once i’m done

i’m not watching porn

well sometimes

though they fixate on one chick

they’ll have

this one girl you know for whatever

reason she just does it for them and they decide

they’ve jerked

off a couple times with her and it was very satisfying

so they decide they’re only

gonna go to her videos

wait one time this is really embarrassing i

myspace messaged a pornstar that i liked

what did you say i said hi i really like you

if you ever in la you

should come to one of my shows

like a girl

bree olsen whoa

bree olsen takes

black dick like a

champ she’s so cool

like a duck to

water she’s so

and then the guy that i was dating saw the message

and it was really embarrassing it was embarrassing i

would have been like yes

it would have been like walking through the casinos in

vegas ding ding ding ding ding

ding ding ding ding

ding ding ding

ding she was like what is this myspace message

what kind of a faggot is

checking your myspace message

i don’t know that was

right there

that’s a symptom

of a greater evil that guy was looking for

who’s she talking to guys

who’s she talking to

pretty wholesome god damn

yeah that’s what i’ve been in like this

dude writers yeah

i would be offended they

were looking at my messages yeah what’s that all about

whatever i don’t

know have you ever had someone pick up your

phone and just

like let me see who you’re texting get the

but i’m like

that i would do that really yeah

you gotta grow up i do i love

touch people’s phones

can’t touch my

phone whoa nice

who bree olson

that no one takes a big

black dick in the ass with a smile girl

so innocent looking she’s so innocent looking and she

sounds innocent

she’s very vocal

coach until she’s got that

giant black

snake in her anus oh

and she’s like oh fuck my

ass like whoa

do you know who isis taylor is

no she’s the last

month pet of the

month she’s pretty hot

and then you go through her

videos and she just has

black dicks like two

black dicks in her ass so

that just ruins a girl

i don’t even want to say the names but

there’s a few poor girls that have done

those gang bang videos

that’s the number one ruiner

oh like when it’s like 98 cocks

in ten seconds it

wasn’t that

they’re hundreds now they’re up to the hundreds

one girl just

broke the record recently i

think she went like 600

and then her friend

i believe they were on open anthony they were talking

about this and her friend she was talking

about how her friend just

broke the anal record

and she was mad

that her friend like i want to go get that record too

see these people are insane but it

but like there they have

it i actually don’t necessarily

blame them as much as i

blame the people

surrounding them that are like yeah keep doing it

well you know

right yes and no

because listen you’re

dealing with a fairly finished product and

you know if it’s a shit sandwich it’s a shit sandwich

what are you

gonna do you

gonna scrape the shit out

put mayonnaise down lay some new fucking meat and we’re

gonna make it ham and falafel no it’s a shit sandwich

this bitch is

crazy if she’s

if she’s not

blowing these guys on

videos she’s

gonna be blowing someone at a concert or she’s

gonna let someone fuck her in the middle of a bar

while a bunch of people

watch she’s nuts

you know you’re not

gonna be able to fix her

unless you have a time machine

where you can go back in

time and stop her stepfather from fingering her oh god

you’re not going to be able to fix

her or film it and then go back in time

ten more minutes and then stop it

i don’t even know what you just said

listen back to the future shit oh okay

yeah i mean unless you

it’s all what we said

earlier it’s all about

the way they’re raised

all human beings that’s our number one problem

is that we’re not concentrating on

schools we’re not concentrating on

educating people about parenthood providing people with

child support and

child care and

making positive environments for children to grow up in

then of course people are

angry because

they can’t get what they want they’re told the

you know the

world’s their oyster but meanwhile they’re living in a

world of shit they’re in the projects and just

and they’re having

babies and no one wants to give them

money and they got no money

and there’s got no fucking happiness and shit shit shit

kid grows up

angry fucked up

begets more

angry fucked

up behavior and then it all comes from that

it seems so simple

but yet there’s no resources put towards it whatsoever

no one is on tv there’s no politicians saying

we have to do

a way better job of raising children we have to do

a way more responsible job of parenting we have to

understand what the actual role is

this isn’t just

this is your kid and you’re the dad no no no you are

in charge and

managing the development of a new

human being and you can make that life incredible

positive really like you can set

connections in that

child’s mind

that are very positive and loving and friendly

and make that person

an asset to any community that they’re in or

you can create a monster

right yeah it’s a huge deal i mean

it’s amazing too

how it’s so easy to become a parent and how

yeah it’s sad

so easy by accident yeah

there should be like a school

you have to go to

it should be

hard as fuck to make people

people but then

again if it wasn’t i

wouldn’t have made a person

you know i mean

honestly my wife got pregnant by accident

really but you

might have like if they made it like a college

like you had to go through like

four years of like

training baby i

wouldn’t have done it but

maybe you would though maybe

it would be such a special

thing that you’d be like i want

it i want a baby

you’d say that man

but you’re yet you get

if you’re selfish

which i frick

what certainly was

and you get used to your freedom and you think

about a baby as

an infringement on that freedom and like

i’ll do it someday

maybe someday

maybe when i’m

ready maybe when i got this in line

maybe when i got that

i didn’t have a kid till i was 40 but

in all those

things before the baby’s actually born

you don’t really

understand what it really is

until you have one

and then when you have one all that

selfishness it’s like no no no no

this is like a part of me

like this isn’t like

a new person that i have to take care of it is but it’s

part of me like

you have this

connection to that

child that really

doesn’t exist

until you have that

connection and you have to sort of

be incredibly

ready for that

you have lived and done

everything you want to do or you become

ready as it happens

you know maybe but

sometimes it does

eddie’s had a few friends the girls that he

dated that were just


and all of a

sudden they got pregnant

and they had kids and they just

changed everything went

vegan started doing yoga

stuff fucking around no

drinking no drugs

clean sober

going to meetings

getting their shit together having a good job

starting their own business

there’s a few stories of that

cause it’s just like

the overwhelming

responsibility and love you feel for this kid yeah

i think it either

clicks or it

doesn’t and you

raise a porn star mushrooms and babies

that’s what it’s all

about folks giving mushrooms to

babies yeah

raising children the

right way and giving people mushrooms so

we realize we’re all connected this is my platform for

2012 i’m gonna run for president what you think

i will be the

vice president not president i’m

gonna run for president i want

president of the internet

i’m gonna start my own thing

i think the regular president

thing is all rigged it’s all bullshit

you know it’s like you know

you’re not in it’s like campaigning to be

a character on a cartoon

it’s like the cartoon’s already written

like we don’t need you

we already have our players we already have

the roles are

in no matter what your it’s democrat or republican

or a cookie

it’s an independent whatever it is

green party

libertarian whatever is no one’s taking you seriously

it’s democrat

or it’s republican

it’s a fucking game it’s a game that’s already set up

we need a new game

president of the internet

what would it do

would president of it do yeah

kick out all the cunts

stop all the bullshit

make everybody nice

i would set

up the internet the same way i set up my message board

where i have one room

which is shit talking 101

which is like for everybody that’s cool

if you’re nice

and you’re cool and even if you’re kind of slow

or you know whatever as long as you’re not a douchebag

just go on there and post and

try to have a good time and try not to spam and try to

engage in interesting conversations

but if you become a douchebag

we give you a pink name

and we send you to the retard room

and you can

still go to shit talking 101

but you can’t

post anymore it’s pretty much like how it is now though

you’re either out of prison or in prison

or you get the electric chair

again with his analogies he’s

motherfucker another they don’t make any so bad

they’re so strange they’re

you’re saying you would have your

world or your country be like your message

board where you’re either in the normal message

board country i’m talking

about managing the internet i’m talking about being

the internet

right eventually we’ll live in a non

local world you see

well not be a regular

world we’re gonna be connected right

and when that happens i

think we should set it up like a message board

gonna have a douchebag room right

which is prison

but it’s not

because you don’t want to put someone in a cage

prison is for fucking real assholes

you know yeah no i’m not

what prison

yes he’s terrible

what prisoner

would prison really

should be for is people will hurt people whether you

steal from them where you

and when they bring you into prison

you know ideally it

should be all

right sit down

we got to figure out how to fix your life

but that’s not what it is it’s like

here’s a guy who’s

gonna rape you yeah that’s

how is that

still happening

to join a white gang because you’re white

you know you need to get down with the

latinos because you’re mexican

you know i don’t

understand how we know that that goes on and

there’s nothing

done about it what is the website

stop prison rape com

tell stories

meanwhile the stories that dudes beat off to mostly

it’s probably not even real stories

it’s probably just some sick fuck who’s

like a fan of prison rape like some dudes are a fan of

civil war reenactments

and just write them like

novels he’s fakes like letters to home

from a civil

civil war soldier

this guy’s faking

prison rape stories

and on that note

ladies and gentlemen

that’s the end of the podcast

we would like to thank

little esther

for coming we

would like to thank

the flashlight of course for

sponsoring our podcast you can go to

joerogane net

my website has a link and if you

click on that link you go to the

flashlight you get 15

off it’s all fixed now

right does that

brian yeah yeah it’s actually a coupon

code that you just use rogan now does it say it

yeah it says on the banner you

click it says

okay so there’s a coupon code

and that’s good for 15

off ladies and gentlemen

this right now we’re gonna play

dream weaver

folks this is the song

is this from the 70s

yeah yeah it’s 1969 maybe and

if you’re around

this weekend is

ufc of course oh

that’s right

friday night

tomorrow night i’m in

santa ana at the galaxy theater

with joey coco

diaz one show 8 pm

we’re ready to

throw the fuck down

that’s if joey’s not mad at me for not answering the

phone i called you

twice cocksucker like a

fucking podcast who gives a shit you don’t even know

those people i’m family

so that’s tomorrow night

which is friday

october 22nd

and we are at the galaxy theater

and if you’re around on

monday night

october 25th our pal don

barriss has a show in the main room the ding dong show

and if you’re a fan of

freak shows if you’re a fan of chaos

and and and odd

human beings

don barris knows how to put it together it’s like

watching not a craziness and it’s

gonna be a huge event like a big

party it’s seriously

shockingly unbelievable it’s so

funny yeah and don’s a

great guy in

these the problem is the new comedy

store is kind of not appreciating don’s

efforts so if this

doesn’t work

he might be kind of forced out of there like

brody stevens

has been last time

i saw the ding dong show

there was a


comic i forget his name i used to do

schizophrenic surfer yeah yeah

i used to do open mic with him

and he took off all his

pants and he only was wearing

a what’s that

thing that you hate and you like thongs fanny pack

he was only wearing a fanny

pack but his balls were so long his balls were hanging

below the fanny pack

that’s hot so

that’s just

to kind of show you what craziness happens when you’re

so funny yeah

you know if you’re on acid it’s

definitely the show for you

yeah it’s the guy that created the

movie that made the

movie windy city heat

which is unbelievably

funny yeah don

barris is a special character he’s

a real institution at the comedy

store i mean i can’t even

think about the

comic store without

thinking about don

barris he’s always been

one of those guys it’s done

crazy late night

sets there and he’s just a fun dude and awesome and

these works for the

jimmy kimmel show warms up the

crowds and he’s always you know doing sketches and

stuff he’s a great guy

great guy and so

october twenty fifth

if you’re around

that’s monday

night at the comedy

store in the main room at ten p m and

little esther dot com all one word or little

underscore esther at twitter oh yeah little esther is

es t h e r like ether

esther will you marry me this is a great song man

this is a great i’m driving home to an empty road

you know i’m saying i’ve never heard this song

if you’re in the midwest

you have a tattoo of this place where

place where there’s no

street lights and you get to see all the fucking stars

and you’re on a little shitty road

two lanes each way very few cars

oh this is good

and if you got a good stereo system

and you know somebody’s got good weed

are you driving home and you hear this

especially if it’s on satellite radio

where it’s nice and clear

and you’re like

fuck yeah give me some volume on this brian

play this the fuck out

whoever wrote this somewhere

his wife’s getting fucked by a personal trainer

and that’s just a fact

she wanted to take some mma classes

state she got some dick

ufc 121 this saturday night on pay per view

that’s it that’s our all our plugs

thank you little esther for coming by

it was a lot of fun thank you brian thank you

thank you everybody we love you bitches

we’ll see you next week

come on volume man

where’d it stop

that’s rude oh you just cut it off so quick so sad

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