the joe rogan experience

all right you guys ready let’s do it i’m nervous

don’t be nervous hit it all right

it’s better

down there

dance battle

that song is so much better when you’re high

i love how it

starts off really dirty

gnarly guitar

fuck that’s a good song

now that’s one of those songs that when you

smoke a giant

and then you listen to it you really appreciate it

that song just talks to you

that was pretty sweet first time i ever heard it yeah

you know i’ve been thinking about that lately about

music i’ve been listening to music before i go on

stage i didn’t used to do that

but i’ve been doing that lately and

right right

after i started doing that i watched this special

this like this thing with cat williams

where he’s talking about he has like a whole playlist

that he listens to

right before he goes out i’m here with

steve reynolds easy ladies and gentlemen

old school comedy store veteran i know road dog

my friend steve red is easy from

back in the nineties

maybe perhaps when did i meet you now two thousand

one something two because i moved here in a one

shazam son old

school time we got history

we do run as easy as a bad

motherfucker you can see him on the fx show the league

in the second season i believe we’re in our

second season shazam son that’s when things get ruling

let’s hope you got that

syndication

money coming in dog i see dvd sales in your future

yeah i yeah

i would love

to a lot of people like it man a lot of people on my

my message board were talking

about it i have not had a chance to see it but i’m

gonna check it out now it’s a

funny show it’s good and i’m

psyched to be able to you know what’s it about

it’s about five guys that grew up

together and they play in this fantasy football league

every year but

basically they just try to humiliate

and cast shame upon each other

but it’s the guys that do

kirby enthusiasm so there’s no

script it’s all just

kind of like here’s what’s happening

three dudes talking

go oh that’s awesome so the

first take sucks

you know it’s

like a half hour we’re all talking on top of each

other right

right it’s fucking

unusable and then we got

oh but what you said was

funny there and then we just tighten it up

it’s fun it’s like that

kind it’s that that’s the new shit

that’s what everybody’s trying to do or that’s what

look like right

because it’s like

you’re funny i’m funny

i understand what you

wrote down word for word it’s probably

funny cause that guy’s

somewhere online was

funny but we’re

gonna come up with funnier shit

sometimes just give me the

situation and we’ll fuck you know sometimes it’s both

right sometimes

it’s just the ad libbing and sometimes it’s the writing

yeah it’s it’s

nice to have both you know when we did news

radio they let us ad lib

a lot they did

but that’s good so they gave you like a

here’s what we think

where we want you to go but if you also

think of something funnier

say it yeah but the way that

kirby enthusiasm does it and the way i

guess you guys are doing it too that way is

i think the best way to

watch because when you

watch it it

seems like it’s really happening yeah because

and it’s so

we’re on an fx and they you know

don’t have the biggest

budget in the

world so it’s like

literally dudes with cameras on their

shoulders so they don’t they just

they’re so good that they move with us so if you’re

talking and then they’ll just move the camera to me and

it’s really fun to work i mean we do long

days what kind of

restrictions do you have like language wise and

literally on

cable you can say whatever the fuck you want

just what are people

gonna be willing to give advertising

money to yeah

so we get away with dicks and fucks you’ll

never be on the

like what they do they

put on your back so

i’ll say fuck but the

camera will be behind me oh that’s interesting

so they don’t really go

who said that you don’t actually see the you know the

mouth moving

just i don’t i

guess that’s the fucking line

american like wait i think i

heard something because i didn’t see it

i don’t even know

what happened

silly is that

literally the rules isn’t

that incredible and then coke will be like no we’ll put

money now we’ll give you money

dude it’s two thousand and ten

and that’s still

going on dude

mike and molly

which i’m sure i don’t know but it’s like

about fat people

and they just it’s a new show and

see that’s a

new half hour

it’s a new half hour sitcom it’s

literally the

whole premise i

think is like fat people like each other too

and it’s like the number one new show

like it’s people of course

love it well bill

garde was a very

funny comic

i’m sure he is

you’ve never

seen him and i

know i’ve never seen to

stand up but i work with on samantha who

with melissa mccarthy the girl that plays i guess his

girlfriend and she’s

super funny too

but i think that’s the

whole thing it’s just like you

could just want

just wanna see someone like them

that’s it there’s a

lot of fat people in this country man you don’t realise

until you leave and you go somewhere

else look at

look at charlie sheen

look at charlie she like

literally they

how do you do the shit he does

which is fucking great i’m

let him do whatever he wants to

but then the guy for people who don’t

know why we’re talking charlie sheen just got busted

again again with another hooker

before he was wearing masks and shit

he’s so addicted to hookers he’s

gotta wear like

mustache his

ex wife and his kids were in like

two rooms down

like he brought them to new york for the

first time so they were out seeing mary poppins the

night before

and then he’s staying in another room

and just getting hookers he took them all to dinner

like with the hooker beforehand it’s like

a gorgeous restaurant

he just can’t like how do you not like one

night you’re like look my kids are down the hallway

let’s just get through this one

night the charlie

sheen life story

movie is gonna be awesome and then

hope robert downey junior plays charlie

the only one that

could pull it off

he’s got both sides he’s got

a good actor i’m sober i can get my shit together

right but plus i know

what this fucking guy went through they’re both nuts

but he asked for a

raise dude and

he got it oh my god that’s the craziest shit in the

world like to be like i just fucking got busted again

but now i want one

point five million an episode god

damn that’s a lot of

money dude that’s insanity

that’s what do they do

twenty five a year at

least right

maybe more twenty

two twenty five

maybe more education

big hit show sometimes they do more

at fear factors

peak we were doing

thirty four years oh my god

yeah yeah sitcoms

get like that too if it’s a big sitcom

they just pop more out

cause america

likes it yeah like the dark days of newsradia we knew

that we were in

trouble when we were getting like nineteen eighteen

yeah you know it

would start

cutting the

order a little

bit yeah if you don’t if you’re not getting as many

if you if they go if you have like 32

yeah give you an

order for like 25 or something that you

know you’re fucked yeah

you’re like

fucking start updating my

lb gun what’s up

brian what are you doing a

flesh like oh yeah that’s

right we’re

sponsor we’re sponsored by the

flashlight oh really you ever fucked one of

these things no dude but

bobby lee bought one this one no

one is fuck

it’s amazing this one no one is fuck so you can

touch it really yeah

put your finger in it’s like

these out of it

just feel how

life like it feels huh

dude is that crazy

that’s trademark

here’s another

2010 thing this is fucking controversial people have

given shit people have

given me shit

about supporting this

what about having this uh it’s

a with on the

podcast something something scientific

inside this

could prevent you from

doing other

things what’s the difference between this in your hand

i mean besides this feels

fucking amazing

except you’re

admitting you’re

absolutely admitting

that not only have you used it are you

going to use it you’re paying to use it

you know it’s like

dude i will

fuck this right now

if you guys just

turn your heads for fucking ten minutes i

would fuck got a little bit up

first if you’re

gonna do that amazing

yeah dude they’re awesome man

they’re way better than beating off way

better way better i can’t wait sometimes i’m so lazy

okay then i’m sitting in my office and that

thing is over here on the

couch or one that i

would use yeah and i just beat off instead

cause i’m too lazy to get out of my

chair yeah just

sit over there i’ve been in

hotel rooms before

where you know like you your computers like

gonna die so you go plug it into the desk

right and then i’m like

fuck it i’ll just beat off

at the desk rather and go back over to the bed be like

you know you pull you like

you can’t wait that extra

three minutes to get enough

juice to fucking go back

over to the bed so i’m like i’ll just fucking be and

there’s like a window

right there beat off sessions in

hotel rooms are so clinical

like if it’s over it’s like yeah

yep just like there’s

no one there to see it there’s no one that you hide

it from i’ve done yeah i’ve surgical almost i forgotten

towels before you know the

towel you bring in the little one

and i just rolled over on the fucking sheets

i’m just like

cause this is not my my i’m not

cleaning this

this is someone else’s fucking responsibility horrible

horrible mess yeah

i’m fond of the

gator all myself

fuck it what do i do

shit everywhere i

wanna sleep

i wake up i take a shower when i give a fuck if they

black my fucking

hotel room it would glow

in the dark

they’ve done they’ve done shows they did one of

those inside

additions i

think it was one of those

you know exposed

tv shows and they went into a

hotel rooms

it was just like someone got shot with a shotgun in

every corner of the room did you hear

the audio like dear god

they were a little shocked

especially the

comforter was

covered with shit and calm

oh my god there was shit

and calm on the comforter

you gotta think people are

dirty man they take a shit they don’t wipe

their ass that good and they sit

naked on the comforter you know then you

drop a cookie on that comforter and you’re eating it

what do you think they

clean that comforter do they

clean it once a week even

no shit they’re not

cleaning every

night that’s a goddamn

sure expensive

yeah and that

thing’s gross that

thing has got

other people’s

walls and no matter

how lows you

stay at it i

throw my loads on the wall remember yeah he

throws his loads on the wall when

he gets the

hotel yeah just because i feel like hey i could

throw my come anywhere in this room and not have to

clean it up

never heard that no dude oh

dude that’s

so sad do you know fun feel for that poor lady

when she walks in that room and

she knows that hey

that’s someone’s mom

is i think all

i think all

women love come

get the fuck out of here they all love old lady

from guatemala who walked here okay she is not

happy to clean your come off a wall guy i

would be great

if you walk into a

hotel room time and as a lady just licking the

willy wonka is fucking

yourself just

now they’re

just finger blasting

someone out

there someone

if i just thought of it someone’s done

it before someone’s must have fucked like a hot maid

in a hotel favorman

did i know that

for a fact yeah they really got a

classic story

i can’t even do it justice

but he came in

as a savage he

was beating off and i

think that she

knocked and you

know most people

would go now i’m good but

he’s like come on in

and she walked in

and i guess she was into

it and she just sat there or fucked him or whatever

they got involved with each

other was great but like a filthy

filthy like low rent fucking

yeah that’s taking a chance me talking

about not knowing somebody before you fuck up trust me

i mean just like

and that’s not my

first time she’s done

this oh yeah

or not at all holy shit you don’t pick favorite

men to be your

first parents

maybe you do

maybe he had the

right formula he

maybe had the

right amount of swagger the

right amount of

assholeishness

in the moment

right amount of confidence

favor him is a savage

he really is i wish i

yeah i could i can’t do the

story justice so i won’t tell the whole

thing but that’s the gist of it

he fucked the fucking

cleaning lady

favor man is an odd

comic he’s one of those odd guys like an

angry dude yeah

you know you like man you know this guy

doesn’t seem to have that comic personality

you know like

you know a lot of comics like seem like probably been

bullied when they were younger

faberman does not seem like a guy

bullied no no he’s

adopted i think that’s where it comes from

yeah his parents

adopted him so i

think he’s always

kind of been like i don’t really know what’s

going on but i’m just i’m the fucking funny guy

right i’m also

cool you know

he’s a good

dude he’s fun

to hang out with too he really is did you ever see

those videos

where it’s a guy that’s

filming himself

whacking off while

maids come into his

hotel room he

films himself

whacking off

yeah like he waits there so his dick is in perfect

view of the bed and he puts a camcorder behind him

and it’s just a

collection of

videos of women

going oh like

yeah and it’s

funny because you look at the

style of each

maid it’s completely different like ones

completely scared

ones like i’ve seen this a million times

you know ones just like kinds of looks at it for a

while like hmm how many

like a whole

i think it’s like 15

maybe holy shit yeah this

guy just beat off in

front of me it’s a guy

could go to jail for that you know that’s like a salt

would it be

great if this same

lady came in like at the end she’s like what

again really like he’s like oh

what are the chances

yeah they don’t ever show his face it’s

great it’s always like just dick in the mid

front of the camera door

what if the guy had like a distinguishing mold on his

wrist or something like that you

could tell that it was

definitely him yeah

if that’s true man that guy

could go to jail

totally can’t be just beating off no

man that’s illegal

i’m pretty sure isn’t it

funny that you

could someone

could open the door and you

could be rubbing

your neck and no one has a problem with it

no but you can rub your nipples and even they

would go well that’s kind of

weird yeah but we

allowed to do that yeah

but if you rub your dick that’s like a salt

going to jail

going to fucking jail

i got walked in on in

vancouver i was in vancouver and

i was naked

my hotel room eating breakfast uh huh

just sitting down

no this fucking

chick just knock

knock opens the door

right away really no

time for the no time

stood up i go i’m naked

and she just shut the door

slammed it’s

only runs out of there

but i was like what the fuck man i’m

like right there bam fuck

you don’t just

knock and open the door that’s douchey

yeah we give someone a chance to respond

why not just open the fucking door

yeah come on hooker it’s ten o’clock in the morning

you don’t know what’s

going on in here

you can’t just do that that’s

crazy no you know

i know you’re in a

hurry to get home what the fuck yeah

these rooms i mean

there’s always

gonna be more to clean

i’m gonna fuck it up

again do you need tips

for me i do depends i have yeah

no it depends on like

there are sometimes i

check in hotels i put that do not disturb sign on

for days me too

and then i’m like

now i feel awful

you know i’m saying then you

leave a big tip then i

leave a fucking gigantic tip because

what’s the most you’ve ever left a hundred bucks i

feel horrible

it’s been horrible

dude like trays of different foods that i don’t

bring outside

like one of

those week trips where

like i’m here from wednesday to monday

right this is gonna get

dirty that’s cool though too isn’t it isn’t it

kind of a cool feeling to

leave a hundred

bucks for the maid

when you know the maze

gonna come in there and she’s gonna

check she’s

gonna go holy shit a hundred

bucks cool yeah

can i tell you a

quick story me you and him

went to dinner one night

at a fucking

where the place across

from the colony

store at the 24 hour the

standard a stand diner

yeah so we had dinner or whatever that was the

night we saw rampage jackson in a fur coat

yeah that’s

right with three

chicks yeah with

three chicks came walking out with

no shirt in

a fur coat and i didn’t know who he was but

he knew you he

said hey what’s up and he walks away

he has sunglasses on dude it wasn’t

it was like four in the morning suck out of a goddamn

movie you couldn’t have

fucking you you couldn’t have

script i put that on television

did you record

yeah i put that on i was doing the show

inside the ufc uh huh and

i when i interviewed him i said i want everybody this i

found this is at

three o’clock in the morning

hollywood really him and he’s

got two girls with them

and he’s got sunglasses on a fur

coat i’m like who the fuck is this pimp

and i go oh quit

i thought you had to be like some rapper or

something no we didn’t say and correct me if i’m

wrong then you say

i had a baby last

night didn’t like one of his

one of the girls he was with had a baby the previous

night i swear i remember

that i don’t remember that

no i don’t know i i

think i just

added i really don’t fucking

story that’s a problem with

older stories man my memories and i

start adding

shit into it you don’t even realize you add shit into

it or you subtract shit that was embarrassing to you

you know and

then somebody else reminds you and you go oh yeah

no you know what i just remember that i have to talk

about that i just remembered

my friend johnny

i used to have a friend who was this crazy

professional pool hustler

and he had a

girlfriend who was a pool player too

and most girls

would play pool or nuts

uh huh 90 of them yeah and

90 of all girls are nuts 90

of all guys are nuts too

we’re all crazy anyway

this the girl used to

she used to fake

seizures like

she she wanted attention so bad she was so crazy

do you have

proof that she did this

fucking for sure she faked it

fake to see you

should fake it

she would like

fake falling down oh my god yeah so that everybody

be like what’s

wrong what’s

wrong and so my

friend johnny

knew that she

was doing this so he’d look at me and go like this

like like he knew he goes

i guess she had a

seizure huh

well i gotta

see if i can wake her up

see if i can wake her up look

and he starts

smacking her in the face oh just a

little too hard just a little harder than you should be

going come on

honey i hope you’re okay here

i hope you’re okay

this fucking heavy new york accent and she’s like

flinching and we’re taking

me seizuring

honey come on you okay don’t make me call

i guess we gotta call nine one one

so she she stays with this

they call nine one one

the fucking paramedics come okay uh huh

paramedics come she’s

huddled up in a corner by the pool table

and they look at her and they go this

bitch isn’t having a coma

she’s not having a

seizure she’s crazy what are you doing what’s going on

what’s and she’s like um what

and they go what what happened the

check in your eyes

like she’s fine nothing happened what’s going on here

um nothing i just i don’t know what happened i

think i had a seizure you didn’t have a seizure

oh i don’t know

and then what how do you start lying when you start

outside they go do so i follow them i go i

gotta gotta hear what

these guys gonna say yeah it’s fucking cunt is fake it

means while they there

okay they’re emt guys were there there ambulance guys

but as soon as they step out that pool

they’re just dudes yeah like this fucking cunt is fake

i can’t believe this shit

what a crazy bitch they get in the car just drive off

that’s the last

thing i hear is the driver to shaking his head

what a fucking crazy bitch

dude how many guys get just have to settle for that

cause they just

you have to get laid

so what are you

gonna do yeah you’re

gonna have nothing if you hold

out too long and this is all i can get all i get is

crazy girls okay

my nose is too big my feet are too small

i got a stomach i can’t get rid of this

like yet okay i need something this is like

a scenario for me shit

this fucking crazy

bitch is faking

seizures how do you

smash your head in the ground and do you swallow

don’t you swallow your tongue during a seizure

well some people do yeah

it’s very dangerous you know

i’ve seen people

seizure before i saw a

woman seizure on a plane once

that was the

trippiest because

it was post nine eleven and no one knew how to handle

like any sort of

a situation

and this lady was in in the

chair behind us like i

heard noise

first like i

heard like okay

okay okay what okay what how do

what do we do here what’s

going on and so i take my headphones on

and i turn around and

while i’m turn around this

woman is just oh

it’s like she’s gonna turn into the exorcist

i’m watching her i’m like what if she

becomes a werewolf right here

you’re trapped on a plane

with this fucking chicken or closer shoes

and some dude in the back going really crazy red eyes

and she starts slaughtering the whole

plane on a plane

yeah the only person she doesn’t slaughter is the

pilot because she can’t get in

she can’t get past the door so the

plane lands

they open up the hatches

from the outside it’s just a werewolf and bodies

everywhere blood just pours out of the

plane he just he ate everybody on the

plane dude when everyone

starts blaming al qaeda werewolf

that’s a good idea

jackson call him up yeah

we’ll get marky mark to produce it

brody stevens will be the announcer on the news brody

enjoy ever thought it

would happen

it’s on a plane

you don’t get it i’m real

leather exterior cruise control in reverse

for you to who

the people in who are not in southern

california do not know the pleasure that is

watching brodie stevens do stand up comedy

it really is a joy he’s fucking awesome he’s so unusual

and and and unique

like his comedy

style is so like if you saw on a paper you go what’s so

funny about this is not funny at all yeah

but you see him and you can’t stop repeating it

he could say the same joke a hundred times in a row i

still enjoy it every fucking cadence

it’s brilliant

i find if i go on after him sometimes like i will like

it start to get

like are you just trying to

slide into that

what who are you looking at

it’s not gonna be future my voice are you

judging me don’t you dare judge me

voice in the darkness yes

yes yes i was a model

in pakistan

i did on the cover of camel beat

i fought in the iraqi

war and sure i was an iraqi soldier but that’s not the

point it’s so

funny because he recently

co hosted the adam corolla podcast and

every single message on the

thing was like

this is the

worst this guy sucks i hate this guy i’m turning it off

and it’s so amazing how the

learning curve for brody

is sharp because when i

first met brody

i was at the man show and he

would like open up the audience before the man show

and i remember being from ohio not living in

california and he was like a nazi driver with clapping

like i felt like i had to clap so much he’s real

and like me and my friends that were with us like

i don’t wanna clap anymore but he’s yelling at us

you know so my first

impressions of brodie was like this guy is so angry

yeah it takes a

while to understand what brody’s really all

about it’s great

i’ve been in like

crazy situations with him

i’ve been five

yeah we’ve like

cause you know

he’s plays baseball so we were on the roof of the palms

he was doing best damn

sports show in

vegas and i happen to be getting there

so we’re on the roof of the palms

throwing with this

picture and

cause he was had an

elbow surgery so we’re

going back and forth brody and i with the

with this guy

danny nagle

and the guy

throws me the i make him

throw the ball and like he goes like two feet to his

right and brody goes

don’t embarrass me

throw it he’s a

major leaguer

throw it to his

chest and the guy’s like

it’s okay it’s not a big deal

don’t embarrass

i brought you into the

inner circle here

don’t show me up and for him that’s very serious too

do that that’s a fucking serious

picture i think if you

gave me the option to give it all up tomorrow comedy

everything and just you

could be a minorly baseball player he

would pack it all in

yeah i think you would have

given it all up how

close was he to be a new he

went to arizona

state he went

on a scholarship

like he was very good

he was like a division one baseball player he’s a

pitcher right

pitcher but then i

think he had like

elbow surgery and then it just

never really recovered him

that was probably like

early mid to

early 90s and they didn’t have like the same kind of

they didn’t have the good shit that

they have now yeah then they fix you back then you’re

still jacked

yeah you were

still like i don’t know

this this may not work out

yeah like if

they did acl’s back then i have a friend who

he was on the us ski team and he had like some

ungodly number of knee

surgeries really more than 11

i think he had like 16 i

think there was 16 knee

surgeries all told he actually has

metal parts in his knee now where

his calcium or his

cartilage rather had

rotted away

and chewed up so much

that they had to

cover it with

stainless steel

so now it’s

stainless steel over stainless

steel so it

doesn’t touch bone on bone anymore it touches

steel on steel yeah it’s incredible i

think that’s the

roughest one on your knees

the skiing yeah well

back down the knees

he was in the ski team in the 80s

and so the operations they did on your knees then were

ungodly both of his legs

look like he was a fish like they just opened him up

jesus you have you have acls

right both both both replaced

but all modern style

like everything works

great yeah it’s no problem at all

monkey wise

did they give you no

they take you monkey

don’t they do

that now they

take cadavers they don’t take they can’t take it from

other animals oh really

yeah they can’t do anything from

other animals didn’t they

transplant a pig

heart though or they

tried i thought they were doing that the

valve or is it a

valve or something like that like a

valve yeah pigs

apparently are very similar

biologically to people

but yeah they

this one is

with a piece of a dead guy

to cadaver oh really yeah

basically the cadaver

just for one i

understand access scaffolding

and this this cadaver

when it’s put in

place all the other

tissue grows around it

and then eventually that

tissue forms its own

its own ligament in

place of it

is that a donor

thing yeah it’s a donor thing so

you mark donor

they can take whatever they want

yeah yeah they

could take it you

could get it’s good

yeah they take an achilles tendon

because it’s a bigger

thicker tendon

they rebuild

it it’s actually better than the original name

but like with

with with like

pictures and shit like that when

those guys blow

their elbows out blow their

shoulders out

fuck man that’s such a

horrible movement

that movement of

throwing a ball really fast yeah

it really rips your shit

apart yeah it’s horrible

which is why it’s incredible when you

think about nolan ryan

the fact that old dude was

pitching like till he was like

fucking and

he probably

he was ninety percent not on steroids or something like

that they didn’t have like barbecue yeah

texas barbecue that’s what he was on

yeah this is dude

david wells who’s like

six foot five two hundred ninety pounds

and he just

threw till 42

just had like a rubber arm

big fat lefty

never in shape through a perfect game

never in shape like that guy

would not he

could be like a cop

like he’d be the cop on the

subway they just like post them up in the subway

where it’s like he

doesn’t have to run that much

just fucking

put him on the

subway just

blocked just make sure nobody

smokes pot in this car

particularly don’t have to go to

other fucking cars just

stay in this one

that’s what this guy was like

that’s hilarious yeah there’s a lot

of fat dudes like that to play baseball it’s kind of

funny when you stop and think

about it like that’s one

sport where you

could just have a gut

yeah you can

literally have that golf

just a fat guy

there’s a guy who

fights in the

ufc his name is roy nelson i saw

the what was it the the show he was on he came in like

second yeah

he win won i won

the ultimate

fighter he’s got a

tremendous gut

an epic gut

what’s the matter

but he used it

right just mad

internet problems

are we all beyond

uh it’s recording to itunes

don’t worry

about it but uh

what did you just

disconnect you

streams going in and out so is it really yeah so

i’ve been trying to fix it the

whole time tried

everything on this end

so it must be internet and

oh but it’s recording on itunes

right now don’t

worry about it

yeah but is it back on youtube

or is it off and

checking right now

hmm it keeps on going

keeps on disconnecting and going on and off so

is there anything

running though

is there anything running on

any of your computers that’s like

streaming stuff no no no

streaming man we have a

my my internet’s up dude

okay it’s back on right now like

it’s been going back on and off so

okay yeah we got i got sorry

ladies and gentlemen do you have to listen to this

we got some problems with cable

i think i think cable might suck

cable internet

how do you like that at amp

t universe you use i really do i mean

it’s a little

touchy here and there once in a

while like if you use the hdmi

cables and you have everything set up high tech lee

right it fucks up a lot

and like it’s crazy fuck somehow

well see the thing that they’re having

right now they’re having a lot of

sound issues with the u stream so like

it’s either like a couple seconds off with you

stream i’m sorry not used to you verse you verse

it’s like a couple

seconds off like the lip syncing couple

seconds yeah there’s problems like that

and they’re fixed

right now they’ve it’s

since they opened up or whatever they have

had the same problem

their fix right now is just to downgrade your

audio to just like regular

you know yellow white

what and i’m like alright you have like this high tech

digital thing and

cable has no problems like this

you have this high tech

thing but you want me to go

audio left channel

right channel really yeah they want you to

downgrade your

audio so that it syncs up that’s

their fix to their

audio issues

using hdmi or optical

oh well fucked up yeah you’re

ridiculous i mean

but i mean it’s not every

day like once a

once a week or something like that you’ll be like ugh

it’s a second off all

right i’m in bed i don’t give a shit you know

really yeah that drives me nuts man

i can’t watch interviews

where they’re talking and it’s a

second off it

literally makes me blow a fuse

i can’t watch it i can’t i can’t focus on anything else

yeah i’m like how do i know

that this is even what he’s really saying dude i’ve

done that in

porn you ever do that in porn

where you’re on

like x and x x and like the

sound will be

three seconds off and i’m like

wait she just

mouthed that i know like i can’t

i gotta turn it off yeah turn off the volume now

right i don’t need volume

i don’t need to hear what you i

i need to hear

yeah yeah i

could probably

if i could see

just see and jerk off i

would probably last longer than if i just

heard and jerked off really yeah

so you’re one of

those dudes who

would call like a

phone sex line

i don’t maybe i don’t

know i’ve never done it

all in nine hundred i

think i’m just

probably just would never

fucking ever do that i probably

like with the with

technology now maybe if i was if this was like

seventy five

i’d be like i’m yeah i’m

gonna call one of those fucking numbers i call

those numbers

when i was a kid really yeah i was like sixteen or

seventeen cause i was

still living at home

and i called one of

those numbers and i was beating off

while i called

and right whenever when she answered

when she was like yes may i help you

i just came all over myself

i was like so nervous that i was doing this i felt so

dirty and stupid and

weird yeah you were just calling and i’m like how my

how you do this i don’t even know what i do

cost money where’s the

money go to is it gonna get

built to your

house right

i don’t know

oh my god well

just what up what up

fucking creepy thing

beating off on the phone

calling somebody up

yeah who’s gonna say

nasty shit to you so you

could beat off on the phone

remember marilyn martinez

used to do that yeah

which is hilarious

marilyn god

bless her soul i know was a very

funny woman but

it’s the best way to put this um

she’s very uh

very large yeah and she’s a bigger woman yeah

bigger woman

you would you would

you know hope that the

woman on the

other end did not look like yeah yeah you

would you would say to yourself

yeah just it was my

yeah wasn’t what

yeah what i was hearing

and she was good at it too she

would tell you what she’d say oh yeah

it’s a dirty shit filthy dude

that mexican accent with damn

dirty shit like there’s nothing that you can say or

think that like tell her to say that she hasn’t like

wouldn’t be like all

right i’ll say that that’s no problem

you’re not gonna offend her

yeah she was

she was one of

those old school comedy

store veterans as well she was always i know

always at that place

what a fucking strange

place that is

that’s one of

those places man

where you know

you get away from it for a few years like i’ve been

and he just step back and

look at it go what a strange ass fucking club that is

but you know what though it’s i don’t

know how you feel but i just feel like no matter what

i probably wouldn’t be who or

where i am right now if it wasn’t for that place

you would be

you’d be no matter

where you went on you

think so yeah

i mean sure that

place is interesting

because i think that

place kind of

builds a different muscle that a lot of

other i see

other comics that don’t have it

well it’s not necessarily all good because

a lot of it is

like there’s an

anger to the

type of comedy

store comedy

you know that’s

sometimes not necessary

but a lot of its there because you’re dealing with all

these idiots in the audience you know

there’s no crowd control in that

place no i’ve

never worked it

major name club

like that before that has no manager in the back who’s

quieting people and keeping everybody

calm there’s nothing

going on there yeah the inmates

run the asylum oh my god but they don’t

even anymore it used to be that they did but now they

try to actually manage it and there’s

people who make decisions and tell the

comics what to do and now it gets bizarre

and another you

know ari’s been told many times to

clean up his act yeah

yeah and he can’t go on

after certain people or before certain before

certain people yeah

yeah no it’s

changed i mean i feel

like i still love the

place and i go there

um they treat me really well

i just you know

there’s a new

generation there

i feel like one of the

older guys now

well i’ve seen that happen you know when i

first came there in nineteen ninety four

it wasn’t what i thought it was

gonna be when i

first came there i

heard about the

comic stars like to me it was

mecca was like that was like when i was in boston you

would always hear

about you know richard pryor

performed at the comedy

store in la that was the

place where everybody went

so for me it was like

important to get a tv show and

everything i was like wow this is

crazy i’m on tv but what was really important

means like wow i’m a paid regular at the comedy

store now yeah and

i get to go there all the time this is like the club

when i went there to like

james stevens the

third singing and fucking

you know i’d see like

a bunch of shit that was like just really sub

are horrible horrible

comics that have just

should have

you know stopped

a long time ago and this is the only club that they

still perform at i

work the cover

booth before you

started doing this normal saturday

nights and dude the lineup for 20

bucks was like

lamer le boga

a nonchalani

amy ashton and you will and

people would come up to me like an

hour to the show

yeah sunset boulevard

people come to me

after you like

can i have my

twenty dollar like

you’ve robbed me like you give me my

twenty dollars back

and i couldn’t

look him in the eye because i knew that it was horrific

horrific there’s no

other club like that in the

whole city in the

whole country

if you went to catch

in new york

back in the day you know you won on a friday

night lineup you

know in the heyday

of comedy new york you

would see all

these great guys you’d see

david tell you see all

these guys coming up and doing sets

in the comedy

store in like

especially like in the late nineties

yeah there was like

it was dark

man you know yeah it was dark there was some

bad times you know there wasn’t a lot of like good

talent there

and that’s when

man sees her coming up and that’s when

eddie griffin

eddie griffin had

already done an hbo special he’s already pretty popular

really popular amongst

black people

and then before he really

completely went insane to he was like

i never yeah

that sucks i

never cause i

heard from a

lot of people that when that guy wanted to turn it on

like there was a switch you

never saw i

never got to see that did i’ve

never seen him

be like good

night my name is

eddie griffin good

night dude i’ve it’s always been just

people walking out and in four or five 10 hour sets

where you’re like fuck

why did i never get that shit

what y’all don’t know okay

is that there’s gold at the bottom of the

world trade

center towers

and that the

trains was running all night dude

me and ari are in the back

row one time i

swear to god there’s

about four people in the audience

and he goes like this he goes

you don’t think the government was part of 9 11

pentagon penta

nine nine eleven nobody says a fucking word i turn are

are you gonna

raise your hand or am i

tell this fucking guy

that penta means fucking five what is

wrong with this guy

like nobody says and then he tagged it with a dick

and it was like that was it people go

crazy i was like already suck my dick

but i heard him fuck a

chick one time in the main room bathroom dude he

crushed this girl

that was like

my only way of ever seeing him kill like fucking

he destroyed this fucking girl

what happened

me ari and freddy soto listen to this dude

fuck this girl oh fuck

her oh dude he fucked her

she fucking was crying dude and he

would be oh

bitch just fucking

killing this girl’s pussy for

about i don’t know

twenty minutes

and i’m like

that’s the closest i’ll ever get to him was

when i first

started coming

there he was he

would have sets

every now and then he

would have sets

would come in and really just get it together

and you you you saw like what the potential was he

he could have been

like an all time great

yeah been for real all time

great you ever see his hbo

set yeah whoa

i don’t know how it holds up

today i haven’t

watched it in a long time

uh huh but i remember

watching it

going goddamn this fucking dudes got

talent oh really he was powerful

yeah it’s like he was doing like

whatever was like ten minutes or something like that

and just went out mad been half an hour my okay

hbo half hour

i’m not sure what he did

but i remember the set i remember him just destroying

really i remember like

almost being like like you know like taking a back yeah

that’s out there that’s different

this is another level yeah

yeah he was man he

could have been

but he was like the shining star of that club back then

it was fucking dark man those are dark days

yeah it was it

was you know

it was him and carlos

and dice and it’s just

weird when you you realize what it’s what you

think it is when you’re living in boston

you’re gonna get there it’s gonna be this perfect

place where it’s all

about the art and

he’s gonna be all these incredible

comics and everyone’s

gonna grow and learn from each other

you get there and people are singing on

stage and just

stupid shit

with you know that they’ve been doing for like

twenty years the same set and like wow

this is so weird man

cause of strange

loyalties that go way back

fucking packs with

you know if we all make it we’ll help each

other out there’s like i

heard so many stories remember

harris yeah

told me the

story about him and letterman you know

that’s all i

would ever say

those guys said they were

gonna come and get me yeah

like literally like strange packs that’s why i like

people you know like argus is there all at nine fifteen

just like weird deals with

with with who is

more better than harris

i don’t know anyone i know one i’m sure

never met any

i never met a guy

that hate like hated

everything like he

would be like oh how is

billy crystal

the one of the

worst human beings i’ve ever

met in my life

but i’ll tell you what

that guy would give you a compliment

you know i would

throw people out of the comedy

store whenever i

throw people up

i would buy everyone in the

crowd a shot

that’s amazing i

would i remember that

now thousands of dollars yeah i remember that you like

you feel like it got all

right it got

weird in here we all

realize it’s weird

why don’t we fucking just chill out

everyone let’s

do a shot and then fucking we’ll move on and we’ll have

this together yeah

yeah friendship this

doesn’t have to happen

i’m like this is only

happening cause there’s douchebags in the

world that’s not happening

cause i wanna be

angry at somebody

like we should

be having a good time here you know even if we don’t

agree with each

other we could

we should be

enjoying our company we

should be having fun

when someone’s yelling at you and someone

heckling yeah

throws it off for

everything i just

can’t shit it’s just you’re an asshole

period if you don’t like something if i’m at

a show that i don’t

enjoy i’ll just leave

get up and leave yeah

i mean there’s no problem

with getting up and leaving so i

totally understand it but by coming in the door

and paying money or

whether you paid

money you didn’t pay

money you’re

basically saying okay i’m

along with all

these other people

to watch what we’re making in

agreement and yeah and we’re

gonna be sit here we’re gonna

watch it and either we’re gonna

enjoy it or not

enjoy but we’ll do it as a

group and if you don’t if you

wanna separate yourself from the

group then fucking get out and leave

yeah without having to be like i’m going to

speak for the rest of us

by saying i

don’t like this it’s like well then you are not

speaking for all of us

speak for yourself by getting up

quietly and fucking leaving yeah i think

i mean there’s that i mean

it’s whatever it is it’s always

that the person wants to be the center of attention

it’s always that

no one yells something out

unless they’re trying to get a

bunch of people around them to

laugh or they want to disrupt the show they

want to do something that calls attention to themselves

undue attention

so they’re always disbalanced

well where it came from

the harris pete

story this is the

connection was that

harris never said a good

thing to me ever

you know but i

would buy the

whole crowd like a shot and he goes

tell you what i’ve been here for

thirty years

i’ve never saw anybody do that before not

prior not kennison

it was a classy move ha ha ha

and that’s it

but he didn’t even look me in the eye when he saw so

so reluctant okay fine

yeah you’re a

classy man general

just bitterness

man no one no one he hated

everything yeah but that

place man you had to deal with so many douchebags

there were so many assholes in the audience

know that like i know

you say like

oh there’s all these

videos of you dealing with hecklers

like why are you so good at dealing with hecklers like

you have to be

if you want to work at the comedy store

you have to

learn how to deal with hecklers because

first of all

you’re dealing with a very specific kind of heckle

this is a big percentage of the heckles

not all of them

but a good percentage

of them are the failed actor heckle yeah yeah

there’s a lot of dudes that really

wanted to come out here and make a fucking splash

fucking happen

dreams are dashed

against the rocks and they’re

drunk and you’re on stage and

there’s some real bitterness to that

that’s a confrontational

asshole heckle that you get at the comedy store

where you don’t get anywhere else now if you’re if

steven is easy from the league is fucking in pittsburgh

they’re gonna go

holy shit that guy i love your show

right yeah right now

in hollywood they look at you like who’s fucking

me yeah exactly this guy pulled the

right number

yeah who the fuck are you well you got your

lucky and you’re special

it’s the worst dude

what are you doing bro

switching cable

switching we

disconnected from the internet

again it keeps on

disconnect but it was on for me bro yeah but it’s been

giving me errors and closing down you

stream saying

errors connecting the server and

stuff like that

see i keep on getting

disconnected from the server

all right let’s just stop playing with it

it is what it is okay

for the itunes it’ll be perfect

maybe it’ll make us have more

itunes downloads

okay it’s on

i get obsessed with my itunes number do you really no

you don’t care

i do give a fuck a little bit are you

enjoying cause i’ve i’ve i’ve

watched like ten i was telling

brian are you

enjoying doing it looks like

you’re having

fun yeah we

enjoy it it’s yeah it’s

it’s you know it’s so easy you just

you just set up

smoke a joint

and you talk

about some shit yeah

i mean come on how many conversations

in the back

alley of the comedy

store that back parking lot how many

great great conversations

unbelievable

then unbelievable

those were on tape forget it

be classics yeah with some

classic times that’s one of the reasons why i hide

brian in the

first place

to just to get all the

stuff all that stuff like

fun conversations

would always take place

i mean it’s like when you get a chance to hang out with

you know other comedians i mean how

often do you get a chance to just hang out just having

those kind of

nights where shit

would just kind of

all happen around the same time and it

would be like one

thing leads into another and this

thing happens

fucking incredible

that was one

thing about that

place it was like a magnet for freaks

it was a magnum

like a homing bean that they

would just shoot out

remember that hooker

yeah hooker came back and just told us her

whole deal she goes on

craigslist and puts on pads and

remember that

whole thing

on camera she’s telling us the

whole story yeah

remember remember that

crazy girl that got mad at you for

checking your

phone to see what time it was oh yeah

yeah we made a

video that too yeah she gets so

angry somebody called

me and i was talking to her and i looked at my phone

and all of a

sudden she started

freaking out at me because i looked at my

phone what yeah

like i looked because i was

wrong like i don’t even know you this

could be my mom yeah you know

like what the fuck most important person in my life

i suppose to you i just met fucking

four minutes ago

you’re very nice but this shit

might be important

can you imagine

if during that time what you guys are talking about

like iphone 4s were available all the

videos that people

would have in

their pocket back then

so much it’s pretty

crazy to think that that was just a few years ago

right the whole landscape is

radically changed it’s been like what

four years and

and now you can literally

videotape an hour and a half conversation in hd

and and twitter it

yeah hundreds of thousands of people

in minutes yeah what the fuck that’s the craziest

thing ever and it’s only the beginning it’s

going everywhere too like when i went to see dean

or dekimmel

everybody had

their iphone fours h

threes everyone

recording hd quality

video now front row

and immediately uploading it to youtube it’s totally

changed yeah

when i go on

stage now i’ll see 20 30

phones up yeah

i see it all

the time can you imagine that shit like during led

zeppelin’s god

you know or

the doors even or

the you know

that would have been insane

see some jimi hendrix live

you know phil hartman used to tell me a story

about when phil was a kid when he

first came to hollywood he was working as like

an assistant you

know at concerts

and i think it was at the roxy i

think he said the roxy

and jimi hendrix was on

stage and he had to keep his hands on a

speaker to keep it keep it from getting

knocked over into the crowd

so that was his job to

stand there on the

speaker like a

key with his hands up like this

while jimi hendrix was playing on stage

four feet in

front of him

he just got to watch

yeah amazing huge huge

huge fan so for him he was like he just like he’s like

standing in

front of god

and jimmy handles

well fucking

that’s crazy

nobody was jamming like that if you get

pulled out this time machine and just

videotape this fuck

that’s what happens now you want to talk

about a guy who like

literally like reinvented the way

music sounded

like a jimi

hendrix songs like voodoo

child yeah nothing

fuck ever played guitar like that before no no one

made so distinctively his like the star spangled banner

nobody can nobody does that like him

even when they do it

it sounds like a

tribe yeah it

sounds like you’re trying to like

sound cool with your guitar

you know what i mean

like he had a way of playing that didn’t

sound like he

was trying to be cool with his guitar it was like

it was like raw energy coming out of he didn’t know

what was next yeah exactly

didn’t know what’s what he’s

gonna play the next yeah he

wasn’t trying to show you

how badass he

is with the guitar he was letting all this

badass shit flow through him it was very genuine

you know there’s

like a lot of guys that are like really good

like i know people

get into them and they like you boy this guy can shred

you know they play a

steve vi cd like duty fucking shreds

nothing for me does nothing yeah

i can’t listen to it it’s like i

understand that it’s a technically

you know he’s

really good at it moving his fingers extremely

fast yeah this guitar

thing but it

doesn’t do shit for me yeah

but you would listen to like

voodoo child

you know just the beginning

yeah it’s beginning

it’s something pure

about it man

you can tell when someone nails it

you can tell when someone really hits that pure vein

you know where it’s like

whatever the fuck

is coming out of them there’s no pretense to it at all

you know that’s one of the

things you know

going back to the comic

store that was great

about that club is

those late night sets

where there was like fucking six people in the office

magic magic man how much

crazy shit did we see diaz

you remember diaz

taking off his

shirt i don’t know if you were there

this night it was in the main room there was

maybe five six people in the audience and the

comics okay okay then

maybe not even five maybe four

okay four people

i believe it was two couples and then and then

comics uh huh

and joey goes on

stage and has war pig plan

ozzy osborn

he takes his fucking

shirt off okay and he’s what

three fifty

three seventy five

three hundred

seventy five

pounds with his

shirt off and

belting out the

lyrics in tune to war pig

and everyone’s going nuts

people are fucking

arms up in the air comics are

screaming yes yes i mean

he just nailed it you know it

was just he was in the groove

where he didn’t

give a fuck i know he just purely didn’t give a fuck

those sets and they

could happen

on a they were like

it was a fairly regular basis

one out of every

three would be like so you had to see all

of them because you didn’t want to miss that fucking

thirty three percent

where was just like

dude you fucking

yes last night

how we doing

finger thing but the only good like

the fucking little

and but there was only like

and they were

quick they were

12 minutes like he

power fucked you for

12 minutes because then

after that it was like

i’m literally

running out

fucking like

energy slash mental capacity

to fucking keep this up all

right good night the diaz

would leave a void

to when he would

crush like that on

stage maybe they

have a hole that the

next guy that poor fuck no matter what he did he’s not

gonna fill that hole

when i first

started watching

you i was like because i saw diaz before i saw you

and then when

i saw you i’m like this guy’s

going after diaz what fucking balls

and you would do it

on a regular

basis and i was like that’s how fucking you get really

because how the fuck like

what kind of energy

no matter what you say is not

going to be

as filthy as what he just said in the way he said it

and when he

fucking lit it up you were like this is fucking

tough to fucking go on

after but that’s the way to do it

that’s why i take joey on the road with me he’s coming

weird in austin

texas next week

he does a half an hour and destroys

and he brings me up it’s great

that’s the way to do it now i know

it’s the way to do it for two reasons one

because it makes me

laugh cause nobody makes me

laugh like him he’s so

crazy just with the shit that he says is so

ridiculous he’s so over the top you talk

about someone who really like what you were talking

about hendrix

like has no idea what’s coming out of his mouth no

or how he’s

gonna say it or even what

topic he’s gonna talk

about but you know it’s

gonna be inside of him

it’s coming from fucking his soul yeah he’s a savage

he’s a real

savage yeah

i would talk

about it on

stage but these are all true

things that he

doesn’t know how old he is

joey’s i watched him tape a cd the

other day he recorded a cd

oh really yeah yeah yeah he’s

gonna do another one that didn’t work out that good but

there was a lot of really

funny shit on it though but one of the

things that was hilarious is his age

he’s like guys i’m

forty years old i’m

forty years old guys

and then like

twenty minutes

later i’m forty five years old guys

he did literally

doesn’t know how fucking old he is i mean

it changes with the tide

if you ask him how old are you i’m

forty four forty four

forty five forty six

forty seven

what the fuck cocksucker

what’s with the questions

where’s the reefer bitch

what do you give a fuck how old i am

what are you the irs you wearing a wire

he’s like who’s

afraid of virginia wolf he just believes whatever

age he is at that fucking time

like no we have a baby i

don’t know i

don’t know how old he is but i do know that

until like 2000 and like

one or two or whatever it was

whenever he

moved in with

terry uh huh

you never knew

where the fuck that guy was no he had a pager

he didn’t even have a cell

phone he had a pager

and if he lost that pager he fucking vanished man

in what he didn’t have a

dress he was

sleeping on people’s couches so

where the fuck was joe

diaz nobody knew

where nobody

was just straight up

guesswork cryptic

but yeah but probably i

would love to you know

be around at that time

yes be on the fucking road with him

dude he’s the inside of him

goddamn classic

what wait wait

that didn’t come out

right bro i’d love to be inside of him fuck

that got creepy oh

yeah i know

would you imagine if you

could be joe

ideas for a day

you imagine

just fucking

wake up in the morning

just look in the mirror

like oh shit i’m joey diaz

did we go cocksucker here we go

i make the most

out of this

okay great movie but you’re not in

control you joey’s it’s joey’s

brain running

the fucking show you just got like being john malkovich

eyes like you just coming out of them like

where are we

going right now a good premise for a

movie if you had a guy who was like a fitness freak

and his friend or his brother was joey diaz

and so the guy who was the fitness freak

somehow another through some fucking

miracle of science

says listen i’m trying to convince you that if you

could be me for a day if you

could use my body for a day uh huh

um you would

understand how important it is

to to have physical fitness yeah throw

so through some

weird science fucking

ridiculous shit that no one

would ever believe

they get to swap bodies

but joey won’t give the body back fuck you cocksucker

you stupid asshole i got your body now bitch

i’m staying in this fucking

thing i got this personality and this body god damn

you know and then the poor guy is now he’s

got the mind of a meathead

get this fat body and no personality

and he can’t get laid and he

discovers that his personality sucks

more than joey’s

body sucks that’s it that’s the fucking

that’s the movie

touching part of the end

the end he blows his

brains out in the

swimming pool

that’s what he does

shotgun in the

mouth in a swimming pool

yeah we the

just the blood

going on to the

water yeah credits

to black son

so i was saying that i keep getting

these before that i keep getting

these fucking

invitations to these

like festivals

these two thousand twelve

it’s all over festivals

these 2012 you know like we know what’s

gonna happen

things where the seminars

where people are going to

speak on the

great changes ahead

like there’s a

there’s a lot of nutty

motherfuckers out there that are like really

truly predicting

that the world is

gonna end in two thousand

twelve like they really do believe

where where do they get this

where where they

where’s their

stuff coming from

well there’s a

bunch of different

schools you know there’s the mayan

calendar school

the mayan calendar is that they

december 21st

2012 is the end of the long

count so it’s supposed to be some new

age and it’s all

open to interpretation

who knows what the

the minds were saying by the end of an

age or a new

age coming who knows whether or not it means anything

to the people it

might be something

that means something to the planet yeah

who the fuck knows

so there’s those people and then

there’s the so

there’s people that have misinterpreted that and they

think that it’s some sort of a doomsday calendar

and then there’s the terrence mckenna

crowd who think that

2012 is gonna be some

crazy new technological

innovation like a fucking

warp between this

world and another or something

crazy some inventions

but everybody’s

banking on this

being like happening

real soon you know

oh god it’s like such a common

thing and they have

these meetings and they sit down they

speak about it

and everyone talks

about you know

sustainable farming

and being prepared to

start your own currency

and you know and have

they want a

small group of people they want to meet

with you in private to talk or they want you to talk

yeah there’s some of these something your

thing would be like look i kind of don’t know if you’re

what it is but i don’t know if you’re

right either so yeah that’s the answer

the answer is no one knows what the fuck is

going on like what are you talking

about yeah just

these mayans couldn’t even predict their own demise

okay the mayans disappeared a thousand years ago

so what what good are all those

stupid calendars if they didn’t even know that they

would go extinct

i mean there’s like scattered it’s all

gonna be over in two thousand

twelve we’re not gonna be here

we’re gonna gone a long time before that but

you know you guys look out for yourselves be careful

we don’t want you see you get hurt

they really want you to go though

i get these invitations these things are hilarious

i i would go and just start making fun of everybody

anybody with yoga beads fuck you

fuck you and your yoga beads and your crystals

are you wearing a crystal

with a leather thing around your neck hmm

nice what does that mean it’s actually hemp rope i’m a

vegan oh my god

it’s hemp dude living in colorado

that whole vegan thing seems so

ridiculous when a mountain lion eats your dog

when i was living in colorado

i lived you know i moved to colorado yeah yeah yeah

a mountain lion

ate my dog oh no yeah i saw the mountain line before

the dog i saw we saw a

bunch of shit i saw a lot of deer i saw

turkeys i saw

you see animals one bear

ate this guy’s car

ate this guy’s

car excuse me

in the neighborhood a bear got into this guy’s car

and you think well if you

leave food in your car then the bear is

going to eat the food no the bear eats the car

they don’t know what seats are they don’t know if

leather’s edible they don’t

know what a dashboard is made out of and they just eat

everything he

ate everything he

ate the car just took

chunks out of the dashboard

it was like like

like someone just went in with a

giant claw hammer just started

moving around

the whole inside of the car

every wire steering

wheel just tore it

apart tore seats apart

they’re so fucking strong

anybody living in that sort of environment and

understanding

the real nature between animals and men like

you wouldn’t eat those

you really want to keep those

these fucking

crazy things

around you want you want bears to eat your car yeah

so they have to get one when they when that happens

they have to capture that bear or kill it do they have

to oh they have to kill yeah once they

start coming around and

eating garbage they have two options capture to kill it

went to a zoo there and we saw

these fucking big

crazy ass grizzly bears

and those were bears that they had to capture they just

started eating people’s garbage you know

like yellowstone or someplace like that

they started eating

people’s garbage and then once they get used to it they

understand that

there’s always

gonna be a food source here

you can’t get rid of them

and so you have this fucking

nine hundred thousand

pound fucking wild

animal that will eat you it will eat you oh yeah for

sure people

they eat people all the time

just they have to

they have to either

be in danger

or they think

their children are in danger so they’ll attack you

or they’ve eaten a person before and they know how

easy it is they know yeah

yeah there’s no

fight i mean it’s not like you know people are so

stupid about that

whole animals eating people

thinking well

they don’t they don’t eat people normally don’t eat

people that’s because we’re not out there normally

yeah if we were out there they’d be eating us

you know wolves used to eat people man i mean

that’s all real shit when they were around

before we got guns and shit yeah

we were talking

about this in the podcast

as a woman recently was killed

i believe it was in alaska 19 year old

woman was killed by a fucking pack of wolves

a nineteen year old

woman i know a nineteen year old

woman was killed in canada

from coyotes coyotes killed her

i’ll just google

it so i don’t give anybody disinformation

but it was she’s out

hiking or something like that

yeah she was running the

woman was killed by

wolves i believe she was jogging

is my internet down brian

i think mine is too

fucking cunty time water

you suck my

dick you dumb fucks

i think this is

destined for itunes

yeah i get no

alright um anyway

wolves are dangerous

bears dangerous course eat animals they’re delicious i

bring my son now to the to the zoo

cause i i i

haven’t been to zoom in forever and i

we literally will stare he’ll

stare and i’ll be staring at a fucking giraffe and i go

what is that

crazy horse body

just gigantic

like gigantic neck and then a

horse head on top like just some

he he look at me i’m

like i don’t know what the fuck that is i don’t know

how to explain that fucking thing

have you ever done

those some ones like in the san

diego zoo where you get on that

truck yeah come up

yeah yeah that’s

i went on that one that did fascinating yeah they come

right up to me eat

right out of your hand

it’s an alien

i mean it could easily be on star wars if it didn’t

exist of course

the fuck man

do we give up on the

your internets just down straight itunes

are only do you have any kind of

boxes no don’t

worry about that

right now i won’t

worry about it

later there’s obviously some sort of an

issue okay we’ll have to

clean it up

you stream but yeah

great though

all animals man

all of them are a trip we’re just used to them

if you know kangaroos didn’t

exist and all

sudden a kangaroo

was there to be like what the fuck is that

thing yeah imagine if like a kangaroo didn’t

exist you never saw one of the news

and then all

sudden you saw one in your yard and

bouncing around

you’d be like okay yeah i do acid and i forget

about it my own

is just fucking

what is this what is

this wonderland yeah

this is is it real

they’re fucking real

especially at crocodiles and shit

when i lived in florida i

lived near a

place called lake alice

we lived in gainesville my dad was going to

school there and

this lake alice you

could feed crocodiles or not crocodiles

rather alligators crocodiles are way more dangerous

than alligators yeah they’re way more

aggressive and so

these alligators

would be out there and people

would be throwing

marshmallows and the alligators

would come up and eat the

marshmallows

just walk right up

throw they’re

right there dude

right there

i mean they were like

right they just

said one day

i’m sick of

marshmallows what does that taste like

game over yeah

over dude it’s

crazy because

there’s always a sign saying not to not to eat

not to feed them

not to pet them not to get

close to them they are dangerous animals

but yet they’re there they’re

right there

and everyone seems to be okay with it

florida alligators are all over the

place man we had a

shit we did an

episode of the league this year with a bull a fucking

one ton bull

and we’re in an auditorium

all of us this all people and

the wrangler comes in he’s like i’m a professional bull

trainer or i’m a wrangler for the bull

and he goes

just if the bull comes at you

he’s like he’s

never been in a room like this before

which immediately i’m like i’m fucking

what’s going on here

because if the bull

starts walking at you

just hold your ground and just pretend it’s

now there’s like a hundred

background people

and this bull walks in and he looked around for a

minute and they

didn’t charge but it was like i’m walking i’m

gonna take a fucking lap around this gym

oh my they’re trying and it just

there are dudes just i ran

like like just fucking for the hills i was like i

was right dude it has ball

thing do they i think they

dressed it up they

put like the hook through its fucking nose i mean this

thing was a ton

and it’s just

boom knocking people like out of the way and

they’re all

trying to do the

right thing

for thirty five dollars for fourteen

hours they’re just trying to

stand there

and not piss anyone off like this bull

was like knocking people around i was like

there’s any animal out there that’s not

trained it’s a fucking bull

yeah you can’t ever get them to settle down you cannot

train a bull

yeah what are you

gonna tell them

what how they even get them to just be

still enough to walk around

i don’t know

some crazy shit

it’s handlers like a hundred pounds

a little hundred

pound fucking lady it looks like a shit like

shit him out yeah

a lady hundred

pound lady oh my

way like not

that makes any

difference lady or a man either one talks whatever

yeah it doesn’t even matter at that

point cheetah around

dude they’re so

powerful maybe a lady

would be better because he

wouldn’t feel

threatened you just decide to listen if he likes your

voice you know

we did fear factor with

with bulls that was the only time i was really nervous

they’re big

they’re huge and we made

these people ride them i mean like a ninety pound

chick ride a bull

which got launched

through the air almost got kicked in the head

really it was the only time

where i was like what the fuck are we doing

every other time

i would say what is this

stunt oh well they’re

gonna take this

and they’re

gonna hit that ramp and it’s

gonna flip through the air and it’s

gonna land in these

boxes is there any chance it can’t land in the boxes

no no no there’s

no way it can only

fly a couple of feet through the air and we’re

gonna have way more

boxes than we need okay

and what happens when it goes in the

boxes oh the

boxes just collapse and then it

gets to the bottom it’s actually a really amazing

system of distribution of energy with all

these collapsible cardboard

boxes totally safe yeah

okay so someone’s flying a car off a

building it’s a third

store first

third story

building you know but

physically they figured out the physics of how it’s

going to happen

and it happens to me

so then i go what’s

going on here oh

we’re gonna ride bulls

these are fucking bulls man wait a

minute what if they get hurt no don’t

worry these are

training bulls

they’re not as aggressive

do they know they’re

training bulls

they know they know

their balls you sit down with them now you guys know

that you’re

training bulls right

they don’t have a fucking clue that they’re

training bulls dude

they’re just not

as strong as the

strongest of the strong

that’s the only difference

yep but they’re

still 2 000

pounds whatever the fuck they are

beasts they’re

incredibly strong dude

when you see them moving inside that cage

slamming into the

metal and shit

wow like this is the

stupidest fucking

thing i could ever think

about doing

right now is put my body on top of this

thing and hang on

this thing is

trapped in this little metal box

and you’re just

gonna all of a

sudden give it freedom with a little

monkey on its back

what the fuck it’s

freaking out of course it’s

gonna start jumping and kicking it’s paranoid it

doesn’t know what you’re doing

anything with

an animal when it has another animal on its back it

thinks that animals trying to kill it

yeah that’s how animals kill you

when a tiger jumps on you

he jumps on your back and gets the back of your neck so

you’ve fucking got a

thing on a bull’s mouth

and you’re hanging on his neck

he thinks you’re trying to kill him man of

course he’s

going to jump and kick

stupid fucks

do i got high and went to see jackass last week i

haven’t seen it yet

you haven’t seen it yet

dude i don’t know how

i have no idea how johnny knoxville

still alive

i really have no fucking idea

those dudes are nuts for real that’s

not a joke do you have to be like there’s a different

level of pain tolerance

that this guy has that’s just

saw that bull

thing we got a

blindfold whatever paul

what the fuck is wrong

with you did he gets hit

by a ball i want i don’t want you just one

thing but he

flips on his neck and they slow motion it down

where you like it’s it’s

unfattenable how this guy

still walking oh

and he just gets up and he’s like huh

and then fucking runs for a fence

oh but he still got the dexterity

to run and jump over a fence

it seemed like

to me though that was probably the last one though

the movie yeah

i think they wanted to be

but i think because the movie made

fifty million

dollars and when all said and done will probably make

between dvds

two hundred million dollars and they go will do

you want to do one for

twelve million dollars and he

might not be the last one

because he even says he’s like

you know how many of

these can i do plus

he doesn’t really do a lot of other

stuff in between

so you can get like a bigger payday

every couple years it’s like why not

but you i mean do

i don’t know how like they’re just testing fate at this

point yeah i

would rather do another

movie with the rock

you play the rocks deputy

ever decide

where we okay

i’m gonna relax you

gotta get those guys in the rocks got a baseball

bat he prefers to use a bat it’s got a little moon in a

giant bucket with

three x’s on it and shit

i made a kick ass take names i don’t really care

about their names

and i’m all out of names

you probably need to take your

guess kick butt

no you kidding

but take names

i got no more room my address book

you guys see the movie

i got high and saw it in 3d

i’ve only seen one

movie in 3d before this one what was the avatar yeah i

never saw a

movie in 3d before that

maybe i missed it

never saw jaws 3d

never saw jaws 3d

so avatar literally was like

change my life like

i was kept flipping the

glasses back and forth to see what it was like

but then when

i got high and saw jackass it was like it was a

midnight showing

at the palms

like people were wasted

there was chips flying in

the air it was kind of a cool environment to see it in

yeah and then high and then just fucking

was like a party everyone was

laughing that’s

crazy to see a

movie in vegas

i’d done the show i was

done with it and i was like you know what instead of

going out and getting fucked up or doing something

stupid it’s like i want to see this

movie let’s

smoke a joint let’s go and they save this couple seats

but that’s you

you’re working there that makes

sense yeah with the

other people

going on to see the

movies people that

live there yeah

the people that live there

that live there yeah you know

that makes sense you

can’t do this

every fucking

night you know

could you imagine living in not a chance fuck

no not a chance

it’s like either living on the surface of the sun

or in a colony of

vampires yeah

it’s like very similar

every time i leave

vegas i feel depressed dry

i feel hungover

i just yeah

it’s a horrible feeling

of shitty decisions

audrina patrick

was on my flight home who’s that

she’s uh she’s this

chick from the hills she’s

ridiculously hot and

and she’s on dancing with

the stars she got kicked off or something this week

anyway she’s so hot and she was

southwest and she just happened to have the seat

like she put to pick the seat next to me she’s

damn she fell asleep and i i

tried for twenty minutes to like look down in her

shirt but i

couldn’t i couldn’t

could get an

angle couldn’t get the fucking angle

her head can’t move it was horrible did her head ever

land on you and you cuddle with her no but i was like

rubber forehead

i was like just i was trying to

smell her yeah it was filthy

how hot is she

ten yeah she’s a ten

why did you record

her twenty five

how what how old twenty

three that’s yeah

in that range did you take any

photos no why not

that’s why you have it for the fuck bro you wasted i

i know bro but she was

sleeping i’m like then there’s physical evidence of me

so i mean not just

not now the me confessing it on the fucking internet

is not right

really really hot

chick like that like

to everyone but

you know to gay men

and to to regular

women like you really have no idea

what kind of

power that chick has no guy

none a super hot

chick like that

could just run a guy just run em

there’s no way he

can can’t help himself

whatever they want some

regular dude

i’ve seen it happen

many times brian

hmm have you seen it happen what

some super hot

chick just running some dude’s life oh totally

usually happens to me

tell us how it happens what happens

really well

you realize that you’re just

focused on like really nice

boobs but then

everything else around the boob is

awful and then you just don’t care

cause it’s like a bull’s eye and

you know you just

wanna look at

their boobs all day

so your focus

only on their

body not on

their personality that’s what you’re saying well

i guess you just overlook a lot of

things that usually

if they didn’t have an awesome rockin body that you

would probably

look into a little bit further

but you’re so

happy with you

should find yourself tolerated

like if i had

said those things to

you you’d be like i’m not friends with this guy anymore

right cause i don’t

want to yeah

dude how many times

you’ve been in a relationship with someone and someone

yell like mean hurtful shit at you and you go listen

i don’t have friends that talk to me like that

right you’re obviously not my friend yeah

but some people if you grow up in a family like that

that’s what you

think you’re supposed to do

that’s true what you supposed

to do if your parents always yell at each other

you think that’s how people

react to each

other you wanna be a

grown up you

wanna be a grown up too

hey you know you

gotta fucking respect me like whoa whoa

where the hell is this coming from did you

fight with your

sister a lot no

me and my sister

would always

fight and my

sister were

very friendly

really not like

we got in a few arguments when we were really really

young but by the time we were in high

school we never even argued

about shit every now and then like she

would like have try to have a

party over the

house and i

would come home and go get the fuck out everybody out

like shoot my

sister oh really

yeah she would get a little

crazy try to

bring a bunch of people over my parents were away

you know i’d come home and

i was delivering newspapers and

fighting in taekwondo tournaments okay so

i’d get up at

five o’clock in the morning and deliver newspapers

then i would

train and go into

pete and tournaments that’s all i did i was a loser

i had no life outside of

fighting no

march martial arts delivery newspapers go to

school that was

it that was it all i did

so i would come home

all these idiots in my

house and i have to get up in five hours

so i would just go fucking

crazy and kick everybody out

that was the only arguments we ever had

but other than that my

sister’s cool not tip

i went to brody’s

house one time when he

lived with brody

with his sister

we walked in and the

sister i guess had let the cat didn’t feed

some of the

this goddamn cat

food and he goes this is not the way i deserve to be

treated in a condo i live with my sister

paid for by my

mother and he just goes off on

his fucking sister

he’s like she

doesn’t get me and

is he really living with his

sister now he moved in

with another person

but yeah he was living with his sister

in a condo that his

mother paid for it

drives me crazy

when i find out that he’s not a

successful guy it drives me

crazy that he’s not

just gonna take someone to do

something around

him big enough that they go okay here is a

radio show here’s your

microphone yeah

the people that are

doing for a

while and get used to it and get

relaxed and then just

launch it will come

launch it yeah

well i just did a podcast last week for

him that if you guys are interested in who were talking

about it’s pretty

funny same thing he was talking about his

sister and he’s calling a squatter

she’s a squatter

getting him go is it fun is it fun

should we have him on the podcast oh i think so i mean

what he wants to do with this podcast his idea is

to take a bunch of the

really young kids at the comedy

store and throw them on the

couch and like talk to

these guys oh that’s a good idea get him get him some

you know stage time well

we did that with

brian’s friend little esther

you know little esther

oh yeah yeah brought her in

and she did the podcast and she’s

funny she’s gonna come to austin

she’s gonna do a little 10 minute sets

that’s great we’re

at the cap city comic club oh we’re there next week

me and joey diaz

it’s a thursday friday and saturday

to some tickets are still available how great is austin

fucking love it there man

so the greatest

cities ever i’ve only performed there once

which one of the

greatest coolest

smartest funnest cities

ever they’re

just they just got it down i mean it’s not perfect

there’s nothing perfect there’s no city that’s perfect

no but austin is pretty goddamn close

yeah they are

not too big

i want to live there one day yeah i like or cool

yeah i like it a lot man

this it’s a

little too congested for me they’re the reason why i

moved to colorado’s like i was

gonna go if i was

gonna go outside la

it had to be like really outside

i don’t want this

i want the opposite of this i

want the opposite of too many people

i want you know i

would like just like

you know one of the

things i loved

about colorado

i’d be driving down

these dirt roads and shit

headed home

and when someone’s coming the other way

they do this

they wave hey with a hand up

and i wave back

it’s sincere

that you can have enough

connection toward

more unlimited amount of

connections during the day that they mean something

every time there’s less

people do you

appreciate each other more

you know like i

would be walking my dog

and i’d be you

know passing by some guy was like getting his mail or

something like that they’re so different than out here

if i’m walking down this

street and i see somebody like it’s very rare

anybody says hi

or you can make

eye contact yeah

there everybody was like how you doing

it’s nice day huh

blah blah blah

he’s just friendly

cordial type shit yeah you don’t get

that when there’s too many people it’s just like having

you know if you don’t have

money and then you

know you you you have a little bit here and there you

appreciate that little

money that you get when you have

ridiculous piles of

money you just

start getting used to the fact you’ve got

money yeah you don’t

appreciate it if you lose a dollar it

doesn’t mean anything to you

if you’re poor and you lose a dollar it means a lot

when you have a

small amount of people you

appreciate those people

you know it’s like we get too much

this like when you’re in a city like la

when you get on that 405 like i had to go to

anaheim the

other day it was

fucking brutality man it’s just

insane you’re

going five miles an hour stop five

miles an hour stop for and it’s four five

maybe even five and a half

hours to get down there

jesus like you just look at all

those people and you go this is not what are we

doing let’s spread out

yeah this is craziness man

this is not

no wonder why we don’t

appreciate each other

you know but if you ever been in a car

when it’s snowing out man

you’ve been in a car when it’s snowing out

when it’s snowing and you’re around a bunch of

other people in snow and you’re driving looking at each

other like how you doing

buddy everyone that’s all yeah

everybody’s all

super friendly

cause everybody’s

freaking the fuck out because

mother nature is kicking your dick

right now you know

yeah the ground is

covered with a thick

layer and you’re like how

thick is this shit

gonna get before i get home

am i gonna get

stuck somewhere

do i have enough gas to keep the car off

never ride the guy in

front of his ass you’re like i wanna

let this guy whatever it’s

gonna happen let it happen i

wanna watch how this guy maneuvers shit

staying there tire

tracks and shit

i remember being

super retarded once it was like ice

storm and i had

ice all over my windshield growing up

and i took like

i was late for

work and so i took this big bucket of hot

water thing to melt the ice

and i poured it on my windshield and i just

watched my no i

watched my windshield go

it cracked oh

no then it froze even

worse oh no

cracked your windshield

i was like 16

going oh fuck

glasses it meant

that’s hilarious

dude that should be a

great scene in a movie yeah

glasses are

meant to go from fucking like negative 32 to

100 degrees in a

second there is something

about living

in a cold climate like that when you have to deal with

those winters

that makes a different type of person

i think people in los angeles they have

one of the reasons

why a lot of people out here are more

disconnected

is because they don’t have to worry

about nature

you don’t really

worry about it here all you

have to do is it gets warm out

make sure you drink some

water that’s

about all you have to

worry about

you don’t have to

worry about thunderstorms

you remember

crazy lightning

storms you got to

worry about getting killed

by bolts of lightning

out of the sky

you know east

coast yeah when i

lived in boston okay if a fucking thunderstorm came

you would see

lightning bolt hit trees

every now and then and you knew not to go by trees

cause you were like

trained you like

don’t go over

there i forget

where the fuck it was

i don’t remember this enough to tell it

but i remember something hit

some lightning bolt hit something near us

like very close

and like we

could go to the spot

where it hit

you know i’m like fuck man

that’s death

if that’s you you’re fucked

there’s something humbling

about that like after

a brutal brutal hurricane

like back in the east coast

after it was over people were always nice

always nice

everybody was just a little bit humbled

nature just fucking that yeah

fucking crazy as he

said i’ll fucking kill you

i’ll fucking kill everyone natures

throwing trees

shit it’s like when you and your brothers and your

sisters are

fighting in the back seat and your dad

would be like i’ll fucking kill you

like that’s

mother nature

going hey everyone just

chill the fuck out

i never just

don’t appreciate

anything yeah

i never got used to it either like a lot of my friends

like when a thunderstorm came they were like yeah let’s

drink you know that’s how

like a party and stuff

to me i was always fucking just per

you know scared out of my mind

every time a huge

storm hit ohio the

thing that always used

to get me man is when the really big ones would hit

like this can keep

going i’ve never experienced it but i know it happens

where it goes like typhoon

and then it goes fucking

class whatever hurricane

where it’s like katrina

style yeah like they keep

going yeah it

doesn’t always like it

doesn’t always like this isn’t the end of

last one the

power it can come with

these fucking

things can get really

powerful so just because you’re

gonna get through this

hurricane okay

you’re gonna survive and

power might be out for a couple of days

there may be one someday that wipes out a

whole city there will

be that’s very possible

absolutely i was coming home once in high

school no middle

school or high

school we went to cedar

point which is this big amusement park in ohio

and there was this huge thunderstorm we had to

leave early

and i remember on the way

home we saw a tornado like just coming up the highway

and as kids

you’re like

what the fuck and

i don’t know

if that has anything to do with why i’m scared but

our bus was actually

going he was

going faster just to try to run away from this tornado

it was raining like

crazy oh my

god and i just remember being a kid

going in there he’s like everyone put

their heads or doing something

you know what

to do oh my

god yeah because it will pick that bus up and

just fucking

fling it like it’s nothing

nothing that’s happened so many times we had people

flying out of windows if

if tornadoes

were monsters from outer space

we would feel like we were being attacked we

would be on red

alert and shit

we would be

worried trying to

shoot the tornado with bullets

radiation cloud seeding

we have to make

it rain around the tornado to lessen its

capability the

tornado’s just moving like damn tornado

moved we were in

miami and some sort of a tropical

storm hit and it was

we were driving to

eddie had a seminar down there and

there was a

ufc and so we were there like the day

early for a seminar

and as we’re driving down the highway

we had a stop

in the middle of the highway the

whole highway did

cause the rain was so

thick and was coming down so hard

you couldn’t see anything

you literally couldn’t see

really you couldn’t

see a thing

it was just all white

it was incredible i’ve

never seen that volume of

water before

really everyone on the highway stopped for

10 15 minutes

for 10 or 15 minutes it was like this when

you couldn’t see a god that we were sitting in the car

going holy shit

and you don’t know what that’s

crazy you don’t know when that yeah it

could end in a

minute it could end in 30 minutes

well they’re pretty good at you know judging whether or

not you know you have to like run for high ground and

cover and go into

they’re pretty good at like when the big ones

some big giant

crazy one apparently just hit the philippines

they were showing it on they had

photos of it on the news they know how long

in general they’re

going to last

but it doesn’t matter why you’re in it

what you’re in even a

small one even a

medium size one like

this one was it didn’t even make the news nobody died

still it’s like what the fuck man

you can’t see

there’s so much

water you can’t see anything it’s a full

white wash just

there’s a wall

of rain coming from the sky in

front of you i remember

one of the last

storms i went through in ohio

right before i

moved to california was

this huge hail storm

i recorded it somewhere on the internet it’s

never been one of

those oh it

started off

it started off as just golf balls flying from the

you know with upstairs sky yeah

start off with just

above where my eyes seem

i want to cut back on the weeds yeah

right so it

starts off with golf balls

and i started recording because

everything in my back

patio was just getting

fucked up like ripping like umbrellas my umbrella

and you couldn’t go outside to

save anything because

these are golf balls that

would hit you in the head

and then i went to the

front and i had

a taurus show

and was like a nice car that i inherited from a grandma

and i just watched my car slowly dissolve

in dense like the size of like real oh it just fucked

my car up so it was just the most horrible thing to

watch your car just get beat up by guy there’s a

crazy video online i’m trying to see if i can find it

where these people

oh here’s here’s one look at the size of

these hail balls

whoa yeah there’s one where

these guys are in

their house

and they’re looking out the window at their

swimming pool

and at first it’s like

splashing in

the pool and they’re like holy shit look at this hail

oh my god and then it gets so big that it

doesn’t even seem real it gets

so big that a lot of people on youtube are like fake

fake but it was

bricks there were

bricks coming from the sky

hundreds of thousands of them

and just smashing everything

knocked over this

grill sent the fucking lid flying

the whole water

the water looked like rockets were

shooting out of the

water into space

that’s how the

water was coming

up it was insane

but you would die

yeah that would be it

you’d definitely

hit the head that after

after the hail

storm though it was

crazy going outside

cause it was like

july and it look like it had snow

like it would just look like snow everywhere

you see that

nuts that hail

storms can come

in july like that ice can come from the sky in july

how fucking fragile is our environment

yeah it’s so fragile

i mean the difference between

california and ohio

is just like a little turn

of this crazy planet

just a little

slight turn this way or that way

and you go a little more oh you fucked your in

alaska you’re in antarctica

you’re in some place

where you’re fucked and it’s a fucking million degrees

below zero and

if we just move just a little bit further from the sun

our san diego

seventy eight

every day yeah fucking dope

is nice waves how’s that possible

how’s it possible that like hawaii is always perfect

have you ever been in hawaii

amazing dude

hawaii is the

greatest place to go on vacation you know it’s always

gonna be awesome i’ve

never been to hawaii when it wasn’t awesome

it’s always

78 sunny no

i went to guam

with tripoli

we went to guam

and they they don’t

build anything nice because they just get a typhoon

every single fucking year

so we called it ghetto

hawaii we’re like this

cause they at

it’s gorgeous most of the time but then they get like

three weeks of just go fuck yourself weather

and so they just knocks

buildings down so that’s

like even they’re a little bit different in hawaii like

hawaii so nice

and guam just gets the shit

beat out of it once like once a year

it’s funny how that is isn’t it it’s

funny how there’s like

spots where

things always happen

and the big island in hawaii there’s

three totally different environments

there’s like this one

place where it’s like really dry and

almost desert like

and there’s all these lava

fields where

everything’s dead like

it’s like hot lava came down from the mountains

then there’s

other parts that were like

a tropical rainforest

there’s other parts it’s like incredibly

green and lush like helo

it rains like

all the time like almost

every day it’s so lush and

green like in the mountains on monoloa

and then there’s

where the keck

observatory is

which is also up a mountain

which is totally different it’s fucking mountain man

you’re like ten thousand

eleven thousand feet

above sea level so

legit mountain with

snow and shit uh huh

it’s like wow all this on an island same thing

that’s one little tiny island and it’s got three

completely different environments

hawaii is poor

it’s yeah it is

it’s yeah and it’s not

i mean it’s

if you move there you

gotta be prepared to live the way they live

yeah you know a lot of

white people

move there and also they’re like why don’t you guys

mow your lawn

you’re like no fuck you

they fucking go

crazy on you

beat your ass with a coconut you know

cause like hundreds and hundreds of years we didn’t

have long bitch this is

their land this is you know

if you could buy a house on

their land you better be cool man they were there

first for real

for real there yeah it’s not like america you know

where american indians

like they were oh no

we were here

you know even american indians

weren’t really here

first you know there’s fucking chinese

skeletons they

found from ten thousand years ago

they know the chinese now were the

first settlers

or not the first

settlers with the first

the oldest human

remains ever

found in america’s chinese

chinese yeah

alien there’s a fucking history

to this world

that we have lost for sure if you thought we’ve talked

about this on

the podcast before but if you follow this guy

named graham hancock

he’s this archaeologist that

specializes in ancient

civilizations

that are kind of unexplained

and his main

theory is that there have been several

great ages of

humanity but cataclysmic disasters

have basically almost

knocked people back to the stone age

like people in ancient

egypt got to incredibly high technological

level many many thousands

of years before the established time of ancient

egypt this is

their thinking

that something happened around 10 000 bc

something happened

around 10 000 years ago something happened

probably like an asteroid impact or something crazy

and that’s also it coincides with the end of the ice

age so the earth just

resets itself

maybe it’s not the

earth resets itself it’s just that we almost get

wiped out by

well we know there’s a lot of asteroids

there’s hundreds of thousands of near

earth objects and

every now and then they collide with each

other and the

earth’s been hit many many times

and some of them hit

and they fucking kill everybody like the dinosaur one

but some of them hit and

they just wipe out like a big

chunk of people

like this one landed in nevada

it’s a a mile wide crater

it’s like the

crater was a

mile wide and you know that’s not even enough to

i mean you you you mean it’s

it’s gonna like do like some considerable

damage but it’s not enough to wipe out the race right

well just this one that’s a mile wide

crater killed

everything within

eight hundred

miles of it

what everything

everything alive

within 800 miles trees

animals dead

dead just a monstrous

shock wave of energy and this is just one that lasted

i mean this one i

think they said it was 50 000 years ago

i think that’s when it hit wow so

there’s been a

bunch of these fucking

things and they’ve hit all over the

world and some bigger than

others and they

could be that it could be

super volcanoes they know that that’s the case

they know that something happened around

10 000 years ago that killed all the william atmos

all the saber

tooth tigers and

ended the ice age

and they think they

might be together

they might be linked together

so all these guys

they look at all

this and there’s john anthony west he’s another one who

specializes in it in graham hancock there’s all

these people that are looking at like all this

incredible these incredible

structures that people left behind

and they go wait a

minute wait a

minute how long have we

really been here

like do we really know

do we really know we’re just

guessing we don’t

we’re just guessing we’re

guessing about all

these civilizations

it’s fucking fascinating shit man

you know and the fascinating you know

these ruins that

you find that they can’t explain like easter island

i don’t know who the fuck

built these

these big giant

stone heads

they look crazy and they’re

so complicated man

i mean you got

these i mean how many fucking thousands of

pounds are those rocks you

gotta cut them like that and then

move them into place and

shouldn’t you be out getting

mangoes and shit

where do you have

the time to be doing this man why are you doing this

extracurricular activities

dude there’s

these guys that lived in

south america i believe they’re called the toltecs

i don’t want to say that if i’m wrong

but they don’t even know

anything about these people

they don’t know

what their language was yeah it’s toltecs

they don’t know what their language was

they don’t know what

they did they lived in south america

they found these african faced heads

giant carved african faced heads

big african lips very african looking

and obviously advanced

civilization with headdresses and shit

and they found these fucking things

just in the jungle

and they don’t know

where they came from they don’t know there’s all this

other shit they left behind they know nothing

about them what do they do

what are those scientists do like the

smartest people in the

world they come

back and they go i i don’t know i fucking

found them i

found this it’s very

touchy does anyone

know what this fucking means

tricky subject

cause once you find it you have to like

admit like okay we’re in a real perplexing situation

because we thought we had a road map of

north america we thought

go back to yeah

we thought that

the asians came down from the bering

strait from

russia and siberia and asia and that’s how

human beings

that’s a native american when they do

the dna test on native americans

they’re most

closely related to people from asia

oh really because they came down all

right so russia

down people walked

you know and

froze the ice yeah and once the ice age ended

you know native americans

those are the people that colonized

this country

we don’t even know

and that shit you know we don’t we don’t even know man

so fucking we don’t we don’t even know who came

before we don’t know we don’t know how long people been

on this earth we really don’t know we we have

guesses you know we have

guesses as far as like

how long people

have been advanced how long we’ve had advanced

cultures we know like what we can find we

found shit that’s six thousand years old

and this is really old and it’s advanced

we go well this must be the

first this is the

first civilization

until we find a newer yeah or an older one

they don’t know dude

i don’t know

it’s crazy what’s

crazy is like what graham

hancock says is that we are a species with amnesia

and that really is what it’s like

as you start getting

older and you

start really looking at the

whole idea of history

the whole idea that there was all

these people before us

and they all

lived and they accomplished all

these incredible

things and then they died it seems so abstract

it’s like what

they were here and then they’re gone and then

you read the

history of how many people were here and gone

but as you get

older you start thinking

about that history

and you go man you don’t really fucking know

like a lot of this you’re guessing

you have to be

guessing you don’t know what

happened 15 000 years ago you don’t really have a clue

i would never

i would never assume

to try to say what happened 15 000 years ago they have

to though they have to fill in the why

because they’re scientists

because they’re archaeologists they have to

you know the problem

is once they decide something then it becomes tricky

because they’re

having a real hard time accepting a lot of information

about egypt like geological information

there’s a guy

named dr ron

schach out of the

university of massachusetts

boston university i believe and he’s

a geologist and he’s decided to

like he looked at all the erosion

that’s in the sphinx

and then the

sphinx chamber and he

said that this is all water

and this is all like thousands of years of rainfall

and what that means is that

it had to have happened long

long before

what the current idea of the

egyptians is because

the current idea

we believe it’s like 2

500 bc they

built all that shit

but this guy saying no it had to be like

seven thousand years before that

cause of all the

water stain it’s my

i know i talk

about this too much on this podcast

because i’m fucking fascinated by it it’s it’s a

crazy thing to me

that we really don’t know how long

human beings have been around and

that there’s a very real possibility that it’s been a

bunch of us

but what would

up would not

upset a bunch of

different ages so what what

freaks me out is that people are

still like you

said like trying to assume that they know

yeah why would you ever try to why would you

that’s what bothers

me when people go oh no but this is what we know

how does anyone like just don’t try to fucking

tell me that i’m

stupid for being like no this is

we no one really knows

yeah why are you telling me now

they attribute

things to certain people i know what you’re saying

they attribute

things to certain people

where they really

should say we

think this could have been what happened

you know like

while i was

watching this

thing on chichen

itza you know

or not chichen itza

i’m sorry machu

picchu in peru

what they were talking

they really don’t exactly know why all that shit was

built like way way

way the fuck up there

but there’s all

these crazy theories that there

might have been

water that actually reached that high at one

point in time really

dude it’s nuts

if you go back and

look at any of that guy’s work he’s got graham hancock

he’s got a book called fingerprints of the gods

shit will blow

your mind man is there someone to take his

place though

if he dies yeah

sure there’s a

bunch of other guys the problem is he’s like

the most respected he’s got

rock solid credentials he’s

a you know a

real scholar really brilliant man he’s very well

well spoken

like and he does interviews and he talks and

he’s a really fascinating guy he’s one of my favorite

people to read his books he’s just

an open minded really intelligent thinker

and so he was like you

know he has all

these controversial theories

and then after all

these controversial

theories his theories of

ancient civilizations all

these different

things that people are disputing

then he writes this book

about psychedelic drugs

he writes this book called

supernatural

where he believes that man’s entire life we’ve been

influenced by

psychedelics

he started taking

ayahuasca and

going to peru and which

ayahuasca this

crazy drug that

you take in the amazon jungle and it gives you dmt

experiences like this long term dmt

experiences and they have

these people that go down there and they

they put on

these shamanistic rituals and they communicate with the

afterlife so now his latest work is that

he’s convinced that mankind has been helped throughout

human history by

psychedelic

trips to other dimensions

as if his last shit wasn’t controversial

yeah yeah i

know what’s more than this

yeah what is he gonna talk

about next ufos

you know that’s the last that’s it

the last have you seen that

thing about the vatican

the vatican

had a fucking conference about ufos

the vatican

yeah i gotta i

gotta pull that up because it was really ridiculous

what did they say

they were talking about how

extraterrestrials

they are brothers from space

and that they may have been without

without original sin

so they may be pure they

might not have had to go through what we went through

this is trying to sound like

vampires but dudes hilarious

it’s a pure vampire it’s hilarious dude it is

sounding like that right

she was she

chose strip

this isn’t a new york

times by the way this isn’t like some some nutty shit

that’s crazy

yeah hold on

steve so you’ve

been on the road touring for your show the league

doing stand up

comedy also i have

have you guys been like doing clubs theaters what’s

going on we did the

house of blues in chicago

which is beautiful

um and then we did a couple clubs and we did

cobs in san francisco

arlington brewhouse

in dc so who you touring with who is it uh nick kroll

paul shear and john

lejwan myself usually go out together

those are the four guys on the show that do

stand up and it’s fun we don’t we don’t all just

just do stand up well

do some audience

stuff and fuck around with each

other a lot of fans of the show

yeah a lot of fans of the show we you know we’ve been

selling out

we’re doing the show at largo on tuesday it’s sold out

which is nice really

really cool

and yeah people like

the show and it’s just nice for us to be able to go

oh these are the guys that like the show

right i like to get to see them

yeah that’s a rare that’s a

such a different

experience right

when they’re coming to see you yeah as opposed to just

going to a club you got to

kind of convince them to come out and see you do comedy

yeah once i promise i’m

funny and then they but now when they

come out and they seek you out it’s kind of a different

very different

right don’t

cool yeah way cooler

right yeah yeah

way cooler because it’s you know

that they are

they all i go and now i can show that i’m also

funny so they’re good

you know they’re not

gonna be like a

fuck we just like the show and you know

that’s brutal if you do go to see a guy and he’s like

like i really admire what charlie murphy did

cause what charlie murphy did was he didn’t he wasn’t a

stand up comedian

he was an actor

and all of a

sudden he did the chappelle show and then he

started doing stand up

while he was famous

yeah so he was already

famous and then he

starts doing

stand up which is just

fucking bonkers man yeah you know that’s a big chance

steve i was doing

stand up now

as you really saw it and it was

surprisingly good

it was he he

he he was his

stage presence was

very interesting

it wasn’t he didn’t stumble he actually

just pretty much told stories and you can’t

and and his personality on

stage came across

good i mean it was

probably like the

third time he’s done

stand up did he do any

stance or anything like that no no no he just talked

about what his life

is like and it was really cool and i got to talk to him

after the show and i

guess he’s like

completely sober now and

everything like that you

could see it in the movie

that like this is the

first time they’re doing shit when they’re like

oh my god i know what this feels i don’t know what this

feels like yeah it’s yeah but i was i was

actually every person that was there that

night this was at triple e’s naughty show by the way

every time you go

has a naughty show you

should go it’s something always interesting

i’m doing it next week oh really awesome

why is it what day is it

i think it’s

or the eleventh so it’s a week and a

half i think it’s at the improv i

could usually no

rose in yeah

but yeah he did it and everyone else that was there

actually said the same

thing that was actually

pretty good oh that’s good you know who’s figured

it figuring it out tom green

i saw him in

the beginning and it was sort of like a little

i don’t think he really knew how to like

come across not being

like you know he’s

a weird awkward

kind of guy but like and now i saw him like

maybe two weeks

ago and i’m like oh he’s gotten a lot better in a year

just gotta get you

translating that you know that that

weirdness over

yeah people don’t really

appreciate how much time is involved in it

have you ever

tried to get anybody to do it

have you ever

talked a friend into it no

i i don’t i don’t

think i would do that

next thursday

thursday november eleventh is the naughty show yeah

the melrose improv

and there’s a bunch of

hookers here too

i did powerful

adult porn stars he always has some really

dirty girls there

i did a show last

night and somebody

brought a three year old baby

to the oh yeah

god damn it tell the

story brian

all right so

i was in this comedy competition

it’s called

uncle clyde’s

comedy competition at flappers and burbank

and my material

is pretty much dirty

i mean there’s

a lot of bad

stuff i’m noob so i have to go

dirty to be

funny so the

we get in there and this is

where you bring your own

friends and your friends vote and everyone votes and

stuff like that

what people are

bringing like 12 friends i had zero friends

but so you’re not

gonna win this

comedy competition when you know

other people

bring friends so i wasn’t

friends are all pissed cause

you suck and

they’re mad that you brought them there to listen to

somebody else

no one’s gonna really do that but so

we come out and all the

comics were all

lined up looking

at the audience

and stuff and

suddenly you hear this baby’s

voice go no

i like pickles

or something

like that you’re like what the fuck was that

and i thought it was just some guy making a

funny voice

until the first

comic is on

stage and he

starts to cuss and then this baby

screams out

and i was like oh my god

there’s a child in here

there was a

three year old

child having foreign conversations with the

comics at some point

going back and forth so

all the other

comics were kind of like

you could tell they’re trying to change some material

why did the club allow this

yeah who let them in i i have no idea

but the owners were there and they knew the kid was in

their audience

well that’s

ridiculous yeah

they don’t know

what the fuck they’re doing i thought you told me that

those people were comics

they are comics

they’ve been doing it for a long time

uncle clydes is actually pretty successful

unless it was

jesus baby right

i think what

they were maybe

thinking like oh this baby’s

young enough that it’s not gonna

understand that’s

ridiculous you can’t control

listen i have

i have a two and a half year old

you can’t control

babies no when they

wanna yell shit out they just yell shit out

that’s part of being a baby yeah

my kid took

a shit on someone’s our we went to a friend’s

house pool party took a shit on

their deck we just

cleaned it up

it’s what happened

he’s just ever no one likes anything they’re fucking

babies man when

babies they just douche they don’t know they do

crazy shit i did a gig in atlanta one time

where there was it was

one of those gigs

where it’s a restaurant then turns into a thing

so i go i’m not

going to stage

unless like everyone’s like 18 year old you know

and they were like

this 11 year old family just sat down i’m like well

why’d you sit on mike well i’m just i’m

gonna do it anyway

and then i’m like you know how this is

gonna lead to

disaster this is

they’re gonna complain you have to comp their meal

they’re like no and then

that’s exactly what happened they were like how

could you talk like that and then i’m like

it’s not fair

to either one of you it’s

not something

for everyone

no they don’t want to eat a meal like that they

should have been

told that this was

gonna happen

the worst part was is when i got on

stage i made the decision not to

to do just do my set

and not edit it and not

do anything like that so

i went out and i’m like sorry

at the beginning i’m like

sorry child

cover your ears

and then i went

right into a bit

about molesting a

child oh but

i you know i’ve been

you know practicing for this

night for the last couple days

i could yeah my

new lasting

child jokes not

gonna tell itself right

baby is the best part

and we added baby to that it was

funny cause how many times i was in

middles of bits halfway

through a bit now it’s like all right

don’t listen to this kid

i had to keep on

referencing the kid and i was like you might

laugh or was it too fuck it was good

but you could tell the audience

was all like dude i can’t believe you’re talking

about fucking pillows

while there’s this kid right here

what are you supposed to do

you know almost like you

should have come up

with a bit like what the hell am i supposed to do well

i’ve been practicing for this for weeks

whose kid is this i was originally just

gonna be ridiculously censored like oh i’m

gonna take my pee pee and make love to this you know

just try to change everything

but i’ve done

that once before and that’s hard to do you

can’t change on the fly

no when you edit on the

fly you can’t render on the fly

that’s one of the reasons why it’s

the grossest fucking

thing ever when someone goes on

right before you and purposely steps on your material

right because they do it

when guys do it on purpose

what they’re trying to get you to do is edit on the fly

right mania was

famous for that yeah

the best one is the johnny sanchez

one johnny sanchez is doing a tv show

forget what the show is

loco slam some shit something

loco something with a mexican name

and mansia is hosting the fucking

thing mansia

brings him up before he

brings him up he does johnny’s closing bit no way

of course he does

he wants you to eat it he wants you to

have to adjust once you go up there

he’s like playing mind games with every

other mexican comedian he wants to be the latino hit

you know johnny sanchez

used to crush

with that bit

about the the iranian guy who was mad

at someone for parking in a spot

you remember

that bit yeah yeah yeah i know who’s parking in my

fucking parking

and then stillia does the exact bit

really parking in my fucking parking he says the same

thing the whole deal just

crushes the bit

just eats the guts out of it and shits it out on

stage and then has johnny sanchez

go on i was on mancia last week and

he brought it up he

brought the video

the man cau video

cause i was

at the end of it and you know we were talking

about it and he said you know

he just brought about i

haven’t talked

about it in so long and i was like so stupid

and weird yeah

so stupid that was the best

thing that ever happened to me

to get out of that comedy

store you know

i got used to being in that place

i got used to

thinking that that was

where comedy was at and i was

bringing that comedy and

bringing it

everywhere else

that no crowd control comedy

loud shitheads hecklers

rudeness you know you don’t realize that comedy

doesn’t have to be like that yeah you know

that was a big move for me to get out of that room

get out of that room and

start doing the melrose improv

and start doing all

those other clubs and they’re nice

they really

are much better to me

yeah it was better to just to get outside of that

the negativity of that

place some some parts

about that place were fun the

darkness of it the fact that had been the same for like

three four five decades

but there was parts that

place was just

like this is just too much this ain’t good for you yeah

you’re still there all the time

i go there a lot yeah when i’m well when i’m town yeah

it’s the best hang

you know no better

no no better hang that parking lot area

but that’s what i’m

saying it’s now it’s like there’s

a new like i want to go there i know like less than

50 of the people really yeah that’s

it feels weird that now i’m one of the

like older old guys

yeah you’re damarrera jr

you were talking

about damarrera

fucking bigger fishes

dammarrera was one of

those guys when i

first came here

i was like holy shit it’s damirrera yeah

can’t believe it you know

i know i felt that way when i got there too

that place man

and then you see dom arere

all the time

now let’s say hey dom hey what’s up dom

yeah have you

ever seen fritz coleman

do comedy oh no i

never do comedy

no i have yeah

he’s actually used to be a regular at the comedy store

it stops in once in a while

when someone died one time

a comedian died he came to the comedy

store with the abc van whatever channel is on

and he was talking to me the

you know not interviewing me but it was something to

pauli was there

and then he goes you want to see some

funny and he brought

me inside show me his headshot i was like you fucking

comedian he’s like yeah

you come here all the time

wow fucking fritz coleman

you just gonna be a

weird stand up

yeah i saw him i saw what was it like do you remember

it’s like you know real nice guy

hi oreo hi hoo

ha alrighty then yeah

just nice guy

he’s is better off doing what he’s doing

you know to

win for everyone yeah the guys that quit they

should quit

you know they

wanna quit yeah some guys just get into it because they

wanna get into it and

then you know they’re into it and then like okay well i

guess i’m doing comedy now and something else comes

along and they’ll

just stop they’ll just stop doing comedy

it reads itself out

and then there’s some guys like tim allen

that were good

tim allen was a good

comic man he was

funny back in the day

when he was talking

about prison

stuff and things

like that well

you know even all that fucking tool shit all that man

oh oh oh he does all that stuff

about fucking tools and shit oh yeah yeah yeah it was

funny stuff man

it was good

stuff yeah you

know but he got that tv show man and just stopped

to stop doing

stand up totally he’s

still doing it now though

well he took

a long ass time off bro

he took a long ass time off

cause i was at the comedy

store one of his return flights

when you start

that’s a weird

thing when you

haven’t seen a guy on

stage in like ten years

and they haven’t done comedy in like ten years

and then all of a

sudden they

start to do it

again and they’re

famous as fuck

that sucks but

they’re like a rookie

he was like a rookie again

i know you lose

that timing you lose that feel for being on

stage you lose that

confidence it’s

a whole different muscle

it’s totally different man

to this day

if i take more than two weeks off i feel

weird i have to go on stage

otherwise i don’t feel like i

could do a show

you know i’m not familiar with my material enough

think the longest i take off

i took off one time was a month

really and it sucked

like the first four sets

after all just horrific

it takes me like i

t voed my own set i was like

minutes behind myself

like even timings of time yeah

people were

laughing they

would stop laughing

it was awful

comedy do you ever

do you record yourself

i do once in a

while when i’m like okay i know tonight i’m

gonna do 15 minutes of decently new

stuff that i wanted to try to remember

i record myself

i record myself

all the time for two reasons one because you

never know when you’re

gonna say something interesting

and you’ll try to get some new bit out of it and two

because when i

haven’t done

comedy for a

while i just

listen to recording so it all comes back to me

that’s good yeah for the timing cause

i listen with headphones on

and i’ll listen and i’ll

start writing

things down

and as i’m writing them down

i’ll just sort of remember each bit

because sometimes there’s a whole

chunk that i forget you know

when you’re doing an hour and 20 minutes of material

it’s like you know

do you still do that thing

about the fire in san francisco

oh i fucking

forgot there it

is you know

sometimes i’ll do like an hour and a half and i’ll

leave out like a critical bit

and i’ll get off

stage and i’ll

go i fucking forgot to do that bit see i’m

still at the

point where i will headline

i usually go out

twice a month

and but there are times where

a month or two without when i’m

shooting something

and then i’ll be doing set to the comedy

store in between and then i go back out and i’m like

shit what was

there was there’s a lot more to this and then

because you know when you have that hour and then you

start going fifteen minutes boss

again you just

start editing

stuff out and then you forget to put the shit back in

when you go back out you’re like oh there was a

whole another fucking

three minutes to that joke that i

completely forgot

about yeah and that’s another

thing that sucks

about fucking heckles is when someone

starts heckling you

you lose your

train of fall yeah

you lose you lose

ninety percent of what the fuck you’re saying

and then you

start over at a different

level that you were at

yeah like a wave

like different wave you have

totally different wavelength

what you were telling us before

we even started this podcast

about last night at the comedy store

there’s another example we were talking

about how that place like

if you go to the melrose

improv and someone’s yelling out there’s

gonna be a guy come over and he’s

gonna put his hand on your

shoulder and he’s

gonna say hey man cut the shit or we’re

gonna kick you

out of here you can’t be yelling shit out

if you do i saw any dick get kicked out of the melrose

hill really yeah

that’s amazing one of your shows

and it was heckling you it wasn’t

heckling me it was heckling somebody else before i ever

got there that’s

funny before i ever got on

stage you got kicked out

this was back when he was boozing it up though

that’s yeah last

night was just

i got told that there was

an entire the

whole audience was different

tables from different

countries and i was fine with that i got on

fucking lady just this four

ladies from new zealand just

wouldn’t shut up i kept asking me quiet

then one of them through i told him shut the fuck up

then one of them

threw something at me

and then i just went i went crazy they

threw like a napkin but i didn’t know what it was even

if you don’t say something to the napkin a

glass is coming next that’s my fucking mindset

so then i called them fat pigs and

it was just hard

but it took him like

20 minutes to get kicked out of the fucking club wow

you know and i love everyone that

works there it’s just like there’s a negotiation first

there were guys like

harris we were talking

about miserable yeah

harris would have hogged hide this

chick in the

beginning like

first word out of her

mouth and thrown her to the

stairs by her face

but now there’s like a

yeah yeah well get the fuck out of here

where is harris have you talked to him i

think he’s in montana

didn’t he have a bad

motorcycle accident he did he had a really bad

motorcycle accident

dude i used to talk to that guy

about motorcycles he

would make it attractive

we talk about

motorcycles how

great it is i’m

gonna ride across the country i

go up here with this guy and we

drive down together and we ride

oh my god me and

steve samoa went to

visit him in the hospital

after that and i

swear to god there was a hooker in his room

nice we walk in and she was like

dressed up business

style they were both sitting on the bed

well obviously

he’s on the bed but she’s sitting on the bed

right there and as soon as me and

steve knock the door we pop and he’s like

she straighten yourself up

he’s like oh this is

so and so from

from the healthcare

unit i’m like no fucking healthcare lady

sits laying on the bed with you laying

on the bed like like yeah but like together on the

bed like really if you’re taking your report like you

stand next to

the fucking bed why didn’t he lock the door

i don’t know

maybe you can’t

maybe people

would have come in a

wild chance

maybe just want to see if he can get caught

i would have

loved it then

we just want

i would have what

would happen

if i would have sat

there and walk

i would have

sat there and fucking

just been like go for it

would you back up or would you

watch watch

cause he’d kill his boner bro dude

unless he’s a real friend i won’t make eye contact

i’ll just stare right at his boner

self around the corner of the fucking curtain trust me

everyone’s getting it off what was his injuries

did he scrape

i think he broke something on one side

either an arm or a leg but then it was just

scrapes did he get hit or what happened

i think he was it was raining he was

going a little too fast my

way yeah he wiped

i don’t he didn’t get hit

did you see richie have you seen

richie i saw richie richie got hit back yeah our friend

richie who used to be one of the managers the comedy

store got t barred

a car a girl ran a

light went right in

front of him he

slammed into the car he didn’t have time to stop he’s

going 35 miles an hour

i just smashed a

bunch of shit in his leg and his arm and his hand his

wrist and his leg

is all screwed together and skin graft and

he’s another one man he used to make it sound

attractive oh

you pay attention you can be fine you know we talk

about bikes cause

there was a one

point in time

where i took

motorcycle safety

classes and i was really thinking

about doing a bike yeah

yeah i ran into alonzo

bolden the other day too broken hand from a

motorcycle really yeah i can’t get it to heal

they’re gonna have to put pins in it

cause it broke in so many different

places they

were trying to get it to heal but it won’t heal

what’s best i mean

months yeah what’s best case scenario

like you just know best

case scenario is you fall down

and don’t get hurt too bad yeah best case you’re

gonna fall i knew

three dudes

that had things happen to him

my friend edison he

crashed his bike fucked up his shoulder

another dude

frank meer the

ufc guy got hit by a car on a

motorcycle shattered his femur

he was fucked for a

whole year he was the

champ at the time i believe i

think he was

so he shattered his femur

he was fucked for over a year

over a year he was

never the same guy

again and then

a friend of mine saw

a dude get hit by a car too

when he was on a motorcycle

saw a guy get hit

with someone not paying attention at a red

light fucking guy was parked on his bike

and this dude just plows into him

sense the guy flying over the handlebars what’s the

worst i couldn’t do it

too scary but damn

colorado will look so fucking

attractive in

colorado in new york

when i’m like we just park fucking you have a

little basket

thing i know it’s

crazy but i

think that i see it i’m like i can do that no way

just zipping around one we see

kate got hit by a car in new york when he was on a bike

did he really yeah he got nailed oh my god yeah

yeah he he he got knocked

unconscious i think

i think like um

i think he got hurt

but he was okay

like it’s one of

those things

where he got jacked and went to the hospital and then

after they got him out of the hospital he was okay

so and i remember when he was riding that thing man

motorcycles to me have always been like so attractive

i see them like oh look at that i love fucking jet

shots balls

when i’m on a jet ski

never been on one of oil

dude it’s addicting if you like it

you’re just like it’s just freedom out on

the you’re like in the middle of the

water like i want to fucking be

right there

shit when you’re over there

like when i didn’t ask anyone

don’t you feel like sharks

are gonna come get you look you have to i did it

fast i didn’t like lake havasu

and like just horrible

yeah i’ve never done it dude

i did it in hawaii

and i did it

stoned as fuck

right and you just wait

no and then

make just an appetize

and i was i have

never driven

one of those

things before i was

going full clip

like constantly

and i wiped out

and when i wiped out man i was in the

water and then it just hit me like i am way out here

i’m way way

way way way out here i mean there’s no way i’m

swimming to shore i

gotta swim over to this fucking bike and get back on it

cause otherwise i’m dead you’re

gonna get eaten i’m

thinking there

might be something coming at me right now

swimming really fast

joe when you go in the

water do you wear

beach shoes

beach shoes what are

those like the

little sandals that you put on oh yeah step on

things no i’ve

never seen those before

people wear

those in the

water they look like rubber socks yeah

oh i have seen

those no i never knew what they were though i

thought let’s assume

those had something to do with skiing or

surfing or something they don’t

step on jellyfish and

shit like i’ve

never been surfing but i did go boogie

boarding in

in hawaii and i

understand i mean i don’t

understand surfing i’m not saying that it’s the same

but i understand like the thrill

of riding a

wave it’s fun as fuck man i can only imagine

how dope it must be to actually get on a wave

and ride that bitch in

but that said a dude in

santa barbara just last

week got killed by a shark

santa barbara yeah

just last week

and it’s rare for

sharks to be in that water

because it’s like

they don’t know if it’s a really big one if it’s a

great white it’s really rare

because they’re not supposed to be in that

water they’re

supposed to be in colder

water like san francisco

san francisco it’s like a real problem

yeah like there’s there was a

actually there was a

video in cape cod this year

there’s a bunch of them that are

breeding in cape cod

they’ve all this

video footage from the sky from helicopter

seeing these

giant fucking

great white bleeding

fuck all that getting in the

water shit i

don’t care how cool surfing is i like wave pool dude

shark week is the closest i do to that yeah

yeah i got really hot

and watch the fucking did you see the flying

sharks now they have yeah the ones that come

out of the water the

fucking feet in the air

and they time the

the the what are those

the sea fucking

walruses whatever did they time them

this way and they come straight up and

smash them and just smash them

right out of the

water and they’re up 12 feet in

the air flapping and they

yeah then back in jack them and smash them

what an amazing creature that nature has created

this giant thing that can’t even stop

it has to stay

swimming or it’ll drown

and all it wants to do is eat and it’s retarded

it has like no

brain at all

it just wants to eat

like killer

whales fuck

great whites up all the time

it’s not even a competition

like great white

sharks will like be around killer

whales and killer whales

would just attack them and we’ll just find one and just

attack them

and murder them rip them in half

first of all

killer whales are big

they’re really big and they’re

super smart they’re like

dolphin smart

so they just fuck them up there’s an awesome

video online of a killer

whale killing a

great white

shark and showing it off to

these people

after he kills it

they don’t fuck around dude

he was showing it off

the showed off to people they like people

think people are cool

they save people all the time

when when people fall in the

water killer

whales will

save people really yeah have many many instances of

they’ll take people that fell off

their boats

and carry them put it back to their boat

that’s great how

weird is that they don’t even

wanna eat us

they eat dolphins

yeah killer

whales fuck up dolphins

cause dolphins are

their competition

even though they’re the same species

basically they’re cousins of dolphins

but they’ll save people

what a trip huh crazy

if dolphins didn’t

exist if a killer

whales didn’t exist

could you what a fuck bigfoot what

a fantastic animal

a killer whale

would be if it didn’t exist

imagine if someone told you

there’s an animal

it lives in the

ocean but it’s not really a fish

it breathes air

but it lives in the

water and it comes up

every now and then for air and they’re

super smart

smart like a dog like you can

train them and they’ll do

stuff for you they’re

loyal they’ll save you

and they’re

giant they have huge fucking

teeth and they kill sharks

and they have a language

and you hear them talking to each

other they’d be like

shut the fuck up and

pass the reefer

you’re making up some nonsense

you know like

in contrast like how boring is bigfoot

what the fuck gives a shit

yeah it’s just another monkey

he doesn’t do anything

he doesn’t kill people

he doesn’t they don’t

now find huts that

built bigfoot

built like whoa he’s

smart he hasn’t

dated britney

spears or anything like that

he needs to fucking

cause some controversy bigfoot

big fat people

out of the loop

people find bigfoot i

still though if i found him

if i was uh if there was a special

that was on

television and they

found bigfoot i’d be fucking

drilled riveted

drilled into my

chair riveted to this this action yeah

if they was like cnn

right now like they

found bigfoot you

shut it down

everyone fucking go to the computer and and

watch could you fucking imagine that

they should make a bigfoot

movie where bigfoot’s actually a chick

but she’s really nice and hot like

you know just a little bit hairy and the guy

has shaser dating bigfoot yeah

you should be a

movie producer

i want to give you all my money

that’s it i

think you’ve got some brilliant ideas

brian you might have a real

talent for this it’d be like

megan fox but her

whole body had like a six o’clock shadow

you know what i mean like she has

that little

hair tent and you have to constantly shave her

dude werewolf on a

plane that’s what i got on this podcast

don’t steal that you fucks

does anybody out there

that’s on a

plane it just lands on

the twenty eighth or

twenty seventh uh

twenty eighth

it’s like a trick or

treat this shit is documented son

trick or treat is this weekend man yeah well some

places actually have it uh

thursdays because they don’t like

to have it on weekends because they don’t want kids

they want kids

to have to wake up the next morning and go to

school so they don’t go

crazy oh the

whole night you know

oh really so

a lot of places have it actually on

thursday whatever happened to kids

just finding out what it’s like to not get much sleep

how about that

but you know what i’m saying

we protecting them

oh we want to make sure you get a

solid eight

hours there

fella why i don’t

yeah what the fuck

you gotta let him know like oh sucks when you don’t

get eight hours

sleep you go to

school and you’re

stupid you should know that that’s an important lesson

it’s better to

learn that shit when you’re doing math in the ninth

grade that it is to

learn it when you have a fucking job and you’re 27

and you fuck up and lose your job

because your performance sucks

because you’re

not getting any sleep yeah

god damn it that’s my message

i’ve got a message my message is

stop nerfing the world

let those fucking kids

get nutty let them do whatever the fuck they want to do

the who said it right the kids are all right

wasn’t it the who said that i don’t know

who said that the kids are all right

yeah that’s is that the who

fucking weak ass bitch what do you got for me

brian i gotta close this bitch out

yes i’m good

by the way what was the name or what was

d antwoord no d antwoord used to be another band

and that was the song that

we were playing last week that everybody kept asking

today’s ngo podcast

you talk too loud max normal

yeah you can find it on youtube it’s

not a video but

it’s just a song with it let’s play it on the way out

brian fuck it play it on the way out max normal

your internet’s too jacked

does it go on youtube right now

but here’s a this

internet is so sad yeah

it’s the cable

cable goes out in and out all day

i’ve been finding that lately

but people have been asking why is your

stream podcast cut out that’s why i keep cutting out

it actually seems to be up right now though brian

what do you got here

this is lcd

sounds better not be

as gay as that shit you were playing yesterday

hey thanks to the podcast or thanks rather to the

flesh light for sponsoring the podcast

thanks to my pal steve renezezi

thank you very much for having me dog road dog

my man we’ve been in the trenches together that’s right

back in the day bitches next week

i am at cap city comedy club with joey coco diaz a rare

rare event i smuggled

cocoa to texas

no warrants in

texas so he’s gonna be good i can’t take him to canada

where i may be filming my next

comedy central special in april i’m not saying

that’s a bringing little esther to the

i’m bringing

brian’s little pal little esther

they’re gonna

sleep together in one room with two beds

nice one leg on the

floor at all times

if you’ve never been to cap city comedy

club it’s one of the best fucking comedy

clubs in the country it is austin’s

one of the best cities in the country i can’t wait

steve brent

is easy where you at this week

next week i’m at governors

governors in long island that’s

right levitown

yes fuck yeah son old school

going home that’s a real

place yeah that’s a real goddamn club

governance is awesome

what nights are you there

uh november

fifth and sixth

which is uh friday saturday

friday and saturday friday and saturday two shows

two shows seven

thirty and ten

go see steve renezisi

he’s a hilarious

stand up comedian as well as a good guy

and he’s also on that show

the league which is on fx what

nights thursday

nights tonight

tonight special

night tonight i’m

watching i’m

watching it

thank you everybody for

tuning in next week supposedly we’re

gonna have bobby lee on the show

and a weekly

yeah like matt damon

look i appreciate

bobby he’s a

flake just like me all right

that’s it we’ll see you guys next week and

see you in austin and

as always love you bitches see it

but all i know

you round it stop you can’t believe

what’s the wind blowing oh stop

pick the waster

stop