The Joe Rogan Experience #53 - Freddy Lockhart

we’re recording

to server get the fuck out of here server we’re playing

music that no one’s heard

this shit is

die antwoods

d antwords original band max nor

i’m a big fan of this shit

i’m prime for mass appeal and haunt my force field

with these mystery hooks who kids be reading about that

story and their history


whoops well

let’s just say that that’s

a fucking south african band it’s d antwoord

now but they were a

bunch of different

things before they were d antwoord

and i’ve been

obsessed with them for the last couple of weeks man

they’re fucking awesome

every now and then you

catch a band that’s the shit

speaking of the shit

freddy lockhart

ladies and gentlemen

yeah old school comedy road

dog yeah what up joe

my friend from

many many many many many many moons ago true that

back when freddy was actually working at the comedy

store freddy

started out the

right way like

like so many comedy

store warriors have done

working there

you know either doing the door

or you know working

working the

cover booth and

you know there’s that’s one of the cool things

about the comedy

store is that almost

everybody working there is

wants to be a

comic almost everybody working there wants to

wants to make

it in show business there’s a lot of people that are

great people that work in

other clubs

but they’re

not there because they want to be comedians the coming

store is entirely comprised is people

who want to be comedians even the accountants everybody

everybody it’s

ridiculous unfortunately

except for the fucking managers and that’s why the

place sucks

bag of dicks oh oh oh

one of the all time

classic comedy clubs but uh

cbgb’s have got comedy it’s not run by mitzi

shore anymore unfortunately no

but it’s still a great fucking

place and that’s where i met freddie lockhart

back in the disney

flashlight flashlight is our sponsor we have to

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right so showing the

flashlight see that where is it

this is the

this is the alien one it’s blue it’s got two clits nice

put your finger in it

a star trek and nobody fuck this i wouldn’t do that

except for me i’ve always wondered

i was like what is it

gonna feel like that’s that’s pretty good

what do you think it’s pretty interesting feeling right

definitely feels

better than

well probably my rough hands yeah you just warm that up

on it no scratching

just warm it up a little i’ll be in austin

texas this weekend all weekend

thursday friday and saturday at cap city comedy club

and joey coco diaz will be with me it’s

a rare treat we get to

bring joey on the road the thing about joey is joey’s

the best he’s my favorite comedian ever of all time

but he’s as

about as reliable as

fucking a fake rolex

you know just like

you just can’t

count on them

i used to i

started taking people with me i only used to

bring one opener for the longest time

but joey flaked

so many times

that i started taking a

second opener with me

just so that i could

still book joe yeah i

understand so

if the shit

hit the fan and only hit the family one out of

every 20 times

but it hit the fan

every now and then and

you’d be in jersey

going where the fuck are you i’m not

gonna lie to you dog i

never left vegas

well the excuse is always admirable

and entertaining it best if

you get an excuse you

might just not get

phone calls back what do you want

yeah for like

months what dog and then once you do talk to him and

never gets brought up what up dog

what are we doing yeah nothing what’s up cock licker

i don’t wanna go back to

those days of my life yeah so he’s going

we had a scare

today i thought

it wasn’t gonna go

you never know joey anything

could happen

she’s always got i got something

going on dog it’s a disney channel

movie i think it’s

gonna be big

i get to show my balls they’re

gonna blow it out

have you seen the previews of his disney

movie no what is it called it’s called like

the dog that

saved christmas

and they’ve released like

they’re releasing like a whole

bunch of them

the first one joey

was like 400

pounds or whatever

oh yeah then he lost a

lot of weight

and so now they were like really concerned

but anyways i just saw the preview i

think it’s just

is about to come on dvd i saw the preview and joey

diaz has a little

scene in there

where he’s in drag

and it’s the cutest

thing we’ll ever

see what the fuck

would they care if he loses

100 pounds he looks better

he looks like he’s healthy just

write it into the goddamn

script that’s what they

ended up doing how

hard is that

they wrote in

the whole weight

watcher thing

is he keeping it off he’s

still keeping the weight on

yeah what is he

right or something yeah he does weight watchers

i got points cock sucker

he’ll explain to you with

anger in his

voice oh that’s

great good for him yeah he’s like

a fucking slice of

pizza and a coke that’s

eight points

can’t take eight

point cocksucker

you deserve to be fat

he’ll get fucking

angry he like gets very passionate

about his weight

watchers yeah

but yet when i go out to

eat he’ll be like but this is only for weight watcher

points i’m like dude that’s not shows with

salmon fried

salmon snickers how many

points is that oh it’s like you know eighty

points like your whole

is that supposed to be your whole day

so what did he lose he lost

a hundred pounds a hundred fucking

pounds pretty

funny yeah he

put it together man

especially not

doing the lap band or the cast yeah

like that’s

the way he got really

upset about that too

you know we would talk

about it he goes i’m not

gonna do it though

i’m not gonna do it he got like real

passionate about he goes

ralphie mays had that fucking

thing he blew it out twice

yeah surgeries

i’m not gonna get cut open bro

i’m not gonna get fucking cut open

right right

he just he manned up he manned

up and he fucking lost the weight it’s incredible

well the thing with

those things too it’s like

your brain doesn’t

catch up with what has happened to your

body you know what i mean it’s like that’s part of the

whole working for it process you know

yeah you can’t just fucking rewire your body

and then your brain is

still jacked this need constant need for food yeah

yeah big time it’s an obsession man

people become

so easy for people to get obsessed with things

for me i can

get obsessed with

q tips putting q tips in my ears

i can get obsessed with

video games i can get obsessed

with beating off i can get obsessed with things

where they just

consume me like i have to do them

dude what the fuck kind of a flaw is that shit

what a goofy ass flaw

it sucks at least

mine it’s not the food one

right exactly

it’s like mine was always like the weed one

you know the

sleeping one it

could be bad

things but i’m just at

least smart enough to say

you know to not deny the addiction just

you know it

could get out of hand if i gave

into it you got to be careful you

know respect the

beast in there

yeah you got to be very careful it’s like dude who

used to smoke

cigarettes i’m just

gonna have one

cigarette oh dude

you get in a

wrestling match

right here with the

devil yeah he’s

gonna tie you up bitch yeah

yeah you’re

screwed with that

you fucked up

i just complete

out and out stay away from it was like the

video games the

grand theft

auto i got so addicted to it like my life was

i was literally

dreaming and

thinking and

grant and my mindset

would be like oh

just take that cops car and jack in

and then we’ll get to the gig

quicker like i’m like it like a real life yeah

that’s my subconscious

mind but luckily my conscious minds like no you know

there’s ain’t that rewires kids makes me

i agree with him i used to play this game

where you jumped from

building to

building i forget

which game it was

city of heroes

and after i played it for like a

month straight

like 10 hours a day

i would go outside and forget i can’t jump on top of

buildings like i was just driving

going i could jump on that

building and that

building i’m like what am i

thinking i’m just like you’re

very darwinian if you’re a kid now if you’re a kid you

haven’t laid down

those at least

those deep rooted

thoughts will tell you that you know you can’t

do that that little

voice that says no don’t kill

him yeah you know it’s like you don’t have physical

limitations the law

doesn’t hold you accountable

until you’re

eight years old for murder something like that so think

about that if you’re playing those

video games in your four or five

and that’s god that’s all you know you don’t

think you just pull the trigger

especially boys

you when you have little girls

you see them around little boys you realize how fucking

crazy boys are from the get go like

there are a lot of

things that are fucked up

about human beings because of our culture

but there’s a lot of shit that’s just

in there man when you see like little boys and this

little boy there was two little two year old babies

in this big

inflatable play thing

and one like

seven eight year old boy

okay and a seven

eight year old boy

was fucking

throwing himself through the air

and crashing into the walls this

thing with no regard to

these babies that were around them

it was such a trip to

watch and i was

watching them like dude you

gotta settle down you

gotta settle down

and you’re looking

at them like he can’t even help himself this kid is

wired up with his fucking chimpanzee

dna i mean he’s like six man and he’s just

throwing himself into the cage of this

thing yeah it’s

just they are they’re ingrained that way they’re

crazy he’s gotta get that shit out it’s inside

of them if you take a kid like that and don’t exercise

that should be a crime

it should be a

crime to have a little male monster

and not work it out

yeah you got him you

gotta get him an

x yeah treat

him just like a dog get my ball and make him go

chase it dude when i first

started doing

wrestling in high school i

first started

really working out

i really like because

i did martial arts before that but

quite honestly the karate

class that i did before wrestling

it wasn’t good

wasn’t like

wasn’t hard enough to really

break you right but

wrestling practice

would break

yeah break make

you question yourself

and but you get out of there though

and you’re so

peaceful oh yeah like there’s nothing left yeah

absolutely you don’t you don’t need to get

upset about

some asshole

who cuts in

front of you the red

light it’s all like whatever

i would see

those guys in high

school i played football and it was the

thing is it was only hard for two weeks hell week

the beginning of summer

especially in arizona it’s hot as hell

but the higher you went up in

varsity it was so easy because

they didn’t want anybody getting hurt nobody was

going in freshman football you

had to hit the biggest gut they didn’t care they just

sized anybody

against anybody

but it would

watch the wrestlers go

back to the locker room

after we went back to the locker

room i was like

those guys just i mean

they would just lay there they

would be drenched

brutal but you

never saw them on campus

doing the meathead crap that we were doing the football

players they were exhausted they were exhausted

and they knew

humbled too and they knew that

they could end this situation a lot

quicker than we

could you know

there’s that

but there’s also the get it out of their

system yeah

if you’re always

competing with men and you’re always like

throwing yourself

in there you don’t want to do it anymore

absolutely and it’s like you’re doing it in

it’s the safest

way to do it and deal with your biology

what you’re

doing is you’re doing it in a controlled environment

with a bunch of

other people who

agree to it and it’s

honorable and

you do it like

you tap each

other around and there’s not even any hard feelings

so you’re like when you do jiu jitsu

there’s no hard feelings when guys get caught you know

somebody taps

you out you go that’s what happens you get caught

what did i do

wrong did i put my arm through

oh i fucked up i forgot to put the arm here i

thank you thank you

then you go back

again it’s like

but you get all this ingrained

male dominator shit out of your

system we’re not supposed to live all like

hanging out like this oh yeah yeah with

chimps you know like uh

you know chimps don’t like hang out that much

they get together

with other chimps like if they go meet

other chimps like they have like little tribes

if they go meet

other chimps they’re

fighting yeah they’re

yeah they’re fucking

fighting for

short to the death

sometimes they

creep over and they don’t even know

these chimps

they just jack them

they just decide who’s on

their team and that’s it

but we’ve got to deal with

so many people all day long you can’t just jack people

but those signals are

still present in

ghostly form in your brain and

that’s why i’m a dick on youtube videos

in what way

what do you mean i’m just kidding i’m not a dick no no

it’s like message

boards watching people

on message boards how

angry and psycho this dude

i’m always like all

right if we were talking

about something

in a room together all in a

group and you’re the person sitting there like

this person’s fat

oh god this person sucks that’s so

stupid i’m like

are you gonna be sitting there going

yeah listen to that guy no you’re

gonna be doing the same

thing you do on a message

board which

is like what’s

wrong with this psycho

crazy age which says we have a social face

we put on for social issues but at home that’s

maybe who you really are that

you’re saying on youtube we’ve all

been out with someone who’s barely keeping it together

you know someone’s like yeah nice that’s a

great shirt yeah

why are you

on my shirt you know

they’re just boiling

under the sand

skin around you man yeah

just unsolicited

they do the

thing where they take a left turn when they

see your reaction like what the fuck they’re like oh

no no no yeah i am kidding it’s like i’m not that mean

yeah there’s a

bunch of dudes who just like to get douchey with dudes

freddy doesn’t want to get out of fucking system

how dare you brian

it’s funny the other day

i called freddy

and he called me back and said

sorry i just woke up and i looked at the

clock i was like oh it’s 2 30 yeah yeah

you guys this day had already

ended it’s the real shit i

know freddy’s rocking it man he’s a fucking comic

well he’s an artist joe

thank you tommy

well it’s not

just that okay i hear you’ve been talking to mitzi

well mitzi and i did talk

and you can work out in the

belly room joe okay but that’s it for right now

okay wow what an honor

how often do you rub her feet

well it’s not just that okay because richard pryor

used to robert pay haha

freddie lockhart by the way

used to be on the frank kelly end

of showing is

in my opinion one of the best impressions out there

you you do impressions that are very

weird man you do some impressions

that no one else does

i figure that’s what you

should do i always figure it’s like why i get in and do

something the nicholson the ones like that i

try to find a strange one and i do it

like iced tea man don’t nobody do iced tea

bunch of bitches

i do iced tea better than

iced tea man i do his voice over work and whatnot

i love to say whatnot

you know the lisp and

everything i try to fight a little lisp there yeah he

fights a little lisp but it’s kind of gangster and it

works for him you know what i’m saying bitches dig it

i used to do that

at the comedy

store i used to call the comedy

store as iced tea and this poor guy

kenny tenny this guy used to work the

phones there do you remember this guy

he was mitzi’s pool guy

and there was something was off with him definitely

say i mean i don’t want to say what he had but he

definitely was

one of uh you know

he wasn’t thinking right but

he was like he got that

he made money

he had a pool company he

cleaned pools

and he did it well but he function like an

eight year old

and i would call him

every time he

would pick up the

phone i would call him and i

would be iced tea and he

would fall for it

every time but yo man i’m

bringing 30 people in tonight man

what you got on my

booth situation

i’m mr g we don’t have a

booth at six thirty

i’m like you better

build one for

me well i’ll see if we can i’m just like oh

that’s hilarious that’s how i

would brush up on the

impression as if i could fool

kenny tenny

i felt like it was golden

yeah how do you do work


do you practice them at home and then eventually

bring them to the

stage or do you know when you hear somebody whether

or not you can do it

you know there’s a lot of people

if you hear them

right away i know i can do it if somebody

tends to have a deeper

voice or something like that or there’s a weird

thing about them

i know i can do it

i always more so than the way it

sounds it’s the way somebody looks when they talk

because people move their

mouth a certain way that’ll

reveal half the

impression i

noticed you did that with the

obama thing

that obama thing i

watched it online

where they took

some footage from like the 70s it looks like

it inserted your clips into

it that was

great stuff man

you really do a good

obama it was

that was a show in

super deluxe a

internet series i had but the

whole thing was

i would take facts and

skew them a little i i love time

traveling it’s my biggest obsession so

that’s why yeah i’m obsessed with it i’m working on

show right now about time

travel that’s fascinating

you talking to the

right guy so i’m talking tacky on particles the

whole thing i’m into it man you know

who ronald mallet is do you know the whole

story no no no is it

how the fuck you don’t travel

you don’t know ronald

is i love time travel

dude ronald mallett is the

premier expert in america on time

travel and this is the

crazy part about him we’ve talked

about him on the show before but

i’m going to

bring it up again

just because it’s such a fascinating

story the dude’s like a fucking spider man comic book

his dad died when he was a

child so he became obsessed he

loved his dad

i did read about him i know exactly he’s

a black guy or

he’s a black guy

okay yeah sure

and he developed isn’t it

funny that we have to say he’s a

black guy yeah

but that’s why i was like man

right on because i was

excited about

how he was black

super powerful you know

like neil degrasse

tyson yeah he

said his son died

you know his father

died was he

robbing here’s the

story his father died brian

how dare you was he robbing a

place he’s so

white too the way you say it

he just smells

like cheese was

he fixing a convenience store

they were in baseball together him and his old man

they collect cards and

stuff so his

whole life became obsessed with time travel

because he wanted to go back in time and save his dad

wow it’s fucking

trippy shit

the guy has a peer reviewed

paper that he

wrote on time

travel where

physicists agree

theoretically this all makes

sense if you

could develop this kind of power you

could go back in time

right now we can’t develop the kind of

power that’s necessary to do it

but that’s some trippy

shit i think

he isn’t he

currently building

a light thing that he’s trying to send a

light back in

time literally back

in time and it makes

sense what he’s saying and i

actually when i

stumbled upon that i was

excited because i thought

you know time

travel i always thought it

would be possible

my mom worked at nasa when i was a little kid and i

think that’s

where the curiosity

started when i lived at

edwards air

force base they were always texting

like testing x jets and

crazy shit that the government was working on

which just made me knew that you

know they’re really

aware of shit that we had no idea

about and that’s when i kind of got into time

travel and i thought you know

you could future time travel

just manipulation of time

basically you stay

above the earth’s

atmosphere at a mile or go

a gazillion

miles an hour

you’ll come back and you’ll have lost time

or no you’ll be

ahead you’ll be

still 30 but everyone will be

100 years old

right so i always knew that but i got really

excited when i read his

article that you

could go back in the past like wait a second

can you can do that

you know you can they

think you could

go back to the moment the

first time machine

was invented

you know that’s just

i had this arc argument with

brandon christie

about this and the

whole thing

about time travel is like

doesn’t time once it’s

exposed isn’t it all

a moot point

after that yeah

you know what i mean

but that’s what they talk

about what the grandfather

clause if you go back and you

shoot your grandfather then

that makes it

impossible for you to time

travel but that

doesn’t because i

think that just means you

break time they

didn’t take that

that option into consideration when people talk

about that story

the grandfather paradox they always say well if

you did go back in time you’d kill your grandfather

before your father was ever born

therefore you

would never exist

to make the time machine but

that doesn’t mean you couldn’t do that

right you could

still do that people say well that

means you couldn’t have a time machine well yeah you

could yeah you

could you would just do that

and then you

break everything right it

would be like a parallel line

like kind of like back to 1955

when it becomes string theory it goes off into another

there’s people that believe in this is a very strange

theory but it

might be just as real as the one we live in

that they believe that every

second you live your life every

every decision you make

everything you do all the energy that

you put down

guides you into various

parallel dimensions

yeah and that we are not just living

in one dimension

that we are living in an infinite number

of dimensions that are all around us all the time

and we can choose to

slide through

these dimensions with our thoughts oh wow

is it as you

live your life as you live your life correctly

as you live your life

in the direction

that you want to do with little procrastination

focused and love and joy

as you do this correctly

you move through higher and higher

dimensions well that’s

that they all

exist all around pretty much what buddhism

teaches too and the

whole thought

and even with the like the yogis they know

about that and

you know through meditation

well i don’t

know about that

i mean you can’t say they know about

it it’s a theory

it’s an idea

western science has come along

and started to pick a

pat and ask why you know

implying the

things in the

brain that make it possible did you guys see the

thing on cnn

last week with the alleged time

traveler lady

oh yeah that’s nonsense

well first of all

baby there are

crazy people back then

people aren’t even paying attention

they they had hearing aids back then exactly

right yeah what’s

crazy is that

video became big and then the next day all the

places were like no it’s just a hearing

aid but yet i

still get emails

every day from people dude i watch

twitter masters all day is time

travel real

yeah there’s cell

phone towers in 1910 you fuck

right how is this fucking

phone working who’s this

cunt calling yeah

who is she with

bitch calling the

future she’s

calling from the past to the future because

otherwise it’s not a fucking

phone for her to be calling

right but in

more realistic if she was just

like staring at it i’m not impressed by someone holding

their ear up to

their head well

that one was just

they wanted to

throw it out there and they knew that

they couldn’t back it up like cnn ran it it was like

you know what

the fuck is

cnn running that for

it was the front page it’s just

so distracting it’s so

stupid and distracting

and you know i as much as i love time

travels like come on don’t make a mockery of time

travel by showing crap like that

that’s what really sucks

think about if you

could even time

travel if you

could go to the

80s and whip out your iphone you get arrested for what

witchcraft dude i mean

they would stomp you to

death if they saw that thing

if you go 10 years ago that

would happen to you you

know what i mean it’s like the way

technology i

think in our lifetime like

this hits today

it’s true it’s like the kids

today we’re closer to kids

who grew up in like the 1940s we’re closer to cavemen

exactly the way

things have

changed yeah i’m

watching kids

today growing up with porn from the get go yeah

these kids are like 13 they’re

taken in the ass

i think that’s what you’re supposed to do

you know i mean

yeah that’s

it’s the chickens have come

home to roost

all those shitty

parents out there

that make porn stars

all those shitty parents have infected

other people’s kids as well through porn yeah

they’re getting

porn on their playstation

they’re taking

pictures of

their pussies and shit and sending them throughout

class people are kids are filthy today

dirty little fucks i was

cleaning my laptop out last night

going through

all this shit just trying to make room for it

cause it’s just

crazy crowded

and i’m just

going through all

these videos and i

found out that like

if you have

the mail app

and you have like a gmail account on there

it will download

everything from your gmail account

every video

every photo at

least that’s the setting i had

and so i was like

where’s all my hard

drive space

so i’m going through all this shit and there was

videos that people had

sent me that must have went to spam folders you know

crazy videos

like you know just spam

videos and stuff

one of them was this woman

where they were taking that have

you you’ve all seen this

where the funnel with the putting the eels in the woman

and then it starts

shooting out like

salmon while

i’m showing

my this girl i just met i’m like

doing this in

front of her

and she looks over she goes what the fuck

are you walking

and i’m like

i don’t know

but that’s just

crazy to think like somebody sent me that video

if i ever lose my laptop and

the fbi goes hey let’s go see what’s in this laptop

he has videos of

young girl with

salmons coming out of

their ass you know oh my

god the girl

no i’m not saying

salmons are

big i’m not saying that i’m just saying what

yeah i was gonna say

that stream

but that video

exist on my laptop without

me knowing is

right yeah it

could be anything yeah it

could be child yeah

right be anything

that’s what i’m saying but that was kind of

scary so fuck

the male app

well that’s the

thing too it

sounds pretty it’s like that desensitized

think if you’re in third

grade and you see that like

you know around

fifth grade we

we get a debbie does

dallas tape somebody’s dad

would have it

somebody would

get the balls to gank it

while his old man was

drunk and it

would pass around eighth

grade you know

like everybody got to see it

and you put

it back and you gave it back to the kid but that was

that was pretty much

porn then it’s like now yeah they can look at it on

their cell phone in class yeah

their iphones

yeah iphones get the html5

is like the

standard for porn sites now because

because the iphones don’t use

flash yeah so all

these porn sites are

switching to html5 and that’s you can

watch that shit on your iphone

what a gangster

move that was on

steve jobs part 2 is that

he goes you know what i won’t put

flash needs to

catch up with me

i mean that was just like that was just like

5 of the animated

websites on the internet use it he’s like no

you know back in the day when you liked a girl you

would like hey meet me at the big

toy and i’ll finger you or

touch your boobs or stuff

nowadays they’re

just like hey go to the bathroom and finger your

pussy and i’m

gonna go into the bathroom and finger my dick

and then we’re

gonna facetime it

we’re gonna facetime it on the

third grade wi fi network you know

can you imagine what

these kids are doing nowadays with like

facetime and kids and

stuff it it

should also

it should also

honestly make for some really

smart fucking kids though

yeah if they if they use the knowledge there’s

gonna be some

smart fucking yeah

they’ll be so much more aware

that you were

yeah they’re

gonna be much

much more advanced

than anything at that age

i didn’t know a damn

thing when i was 18 i was

i had i get

very uncomfortable around people who were religious

yeah because i thought

maybe they knew something i thought

maybe they were in on something

and they were like they were like more powerful

because they believed it

that’s what i thought when i was 18 that’s how

fucking dumb i was

i wasn’t i was religious when i

was younger than when i was eighteen i was like because

when you’re

young you’re fucking dumb

man oh yeah i have no access to information there’s no

fucking internet when i was a kid

i had the people in my neighborhood in

school yeah is that shit anywhere grounded inside your

brain though like it does it ever come out

where you’re sitting there like like

after earthquake you’re like

jesus love you

bring out your rosary and

stuff and you say

no no it’s not

at all no it’s gone were you big to

what you catholic

yeah i was raised catholic when i was in

first grade and then

immediately thought it was

horseshit because the

first grade was so horrible

this fucking

cunt none that i had

sister mary josephine

this fucking

crazy bitch she was just incarnate

evil just an evil

dried up old

woman who wasted

her life on some nonsense and fucking hated kids

were you super religious growing up

oh not at all

my parents were

an interracial couple it’s like already that’s

kinda like come on you

do a lot of cocaine and

my parents so what happened

with me is i went from this religious upbringing from

you know catholic

school in first

grade to moving to san francisco

second grade with my

mother’s new husband

who was a hippie oh wow

computer programmer with long

hair so my dad was this like cop douchebag and jersey

you know and i grew up like in that like catholic

you know hey

not in the lord’s name in vain

right son of a

bitch they slap you

that kind of i grew up in that

people just

smack in the head for no reason wow

and i grew up in that and then all of a sudden

hippies in san francisco wow

it was a total trip

my next door neighbors were

these gay dudes who used to get naked

and and hang

out with my aunt because my aunt you know didn’t

worry about them fucking her yeah

because they were gay gays

fuck big muscular

black guy wow dark

black africa kenya right

black is fuck you just be

naked one loves

house but and his boyfriend and the

both of them just then they all

get together and just

smoke weed and take their

clothes off

nobody fucked nobody did anything

they just lie around smoking weed and i knew

about this when i was

seven wow you know so i went from this fucking

crazy primate

jungle of jersey italians yeah just

faking each

other and throwing shit at each

other it’s just like being in a chimp cage right

so i went from that to

hippies and gay dudes who are

naked smoking weed

hanging out with my aunt

that is hilarious

this is the craziest

fucking 180

ever and you got good parts of both

though when you say like good parts of like you know

the progressive thoughts and

ideas but also that you know you’re not your typical

pussy comic

i’ll tell you that

much the east coast

thing is where

men are forced to become men

sure at a quick

age you get fucked with

you know dude you’re looking to kick your ass

right you know there’s

a lot of the west

coast people

it’s a little more

relax than that

it’s good it’s good it’s more

relaxing that

but i think it creates people that

are a little more confused yeah there does seem to be

a survival of the fittest element

in the jersey new york area like

a lot of the kids

smart people there too man

talk to some

stressed out

smart motherfuckers in new york

oh yeah they’re

tense man they’re fucking

stressed out

step outside for a cigarette

so you don’t even know what’s

going on with

lehman marcus

the whole way the

system is set up it’s

impossible for them to fail what

they’re doing is they’re getting fucking paid a little

these are smart

super intense


i have to choose what i do here because

i can go with you on this crusette

right yeah exactly i lose my life to this

crazy type of

thinking or

i can go yeah

i’m gonna go to

california yeah and i’m gonna

smoke some pot and relax this

definitely is there is an intensity on the east

coast i mean there’s

definitely a reason all the ivy league

schools are on the east coast

there’s an intensity there and there’s a fervor

about things i believe

part of it has to do with dealing with weather

yeah i think

the weather is a humbling

thing and i

think it makes you

you know you have to

stockpile food for the winter sure

you didn’t just have to do it in 1950

you had to do it in 1850 when there’s no refrigerator

right okay and a lot of

those people that

lived there are the

ancestors from people

lived i mean

those are the people that established it and the

other people

if it wasn’t for if they

weren’t there

200 years ago

they were in another country okay and they

took a chance

coming over on a fucking

and boat some

place they’ve

never seen when there was no movies

about it no internet

they had your stories

from someone a letter

you know dear john

i have made it here

to the new land

oh the fruit is plenty

the brown people are strange

have paint on

their face gold is

everywhere come soon

right so they

took chances and fucking got on boats and

traveled across a goddamn ocean

when there’s no gps

no cell phones

fucking flares

bitch if that fucking boat goes down your

yeah that’s it you’re in the middle of the ocean

which is bigger than the continent

on a gamble for maybe god

damn it you’re just hoping to

float it out you

crazy asshole

that’s how bad europe sucked

your suck so bad

in the 1700s

dudes are willing to get dysentery and

all around and

what would they get

from no vitamin

c they were fucking eating rats bro

to stay alive

people were

dying they were throwing

off the boat a lot of people died

they would get sick everyone

would get ill

yeah the plague

all that’s why

they come here they’d rather come here to nothing

yeah to have an established you know

roads and shit that

we had nothing

and then we

built our own we

made our own yeah they came to trees and

water and they’re like i’ll take it will take it get

me the fuck away from

these douchebags over there

yeah exactly

and they kept the attitude too

especially on the east

coast where they

colonize they just kept the attitude

and i think it seems to me

that the west

coast is all slowly as

far as far as you get out

a big percentage of

those people are

gonna be the

children of the people who originally landed

right they’re

gonna be the

people that got there everybody landed on the east

pretty much right

and so then they go oh fuck this

place let’s keep moving west

yeah they kept

going and going and

going and going

so the people that made it all the way here

it’s almost like

spoiled children yeah

you know what i’m saying

it’s almost like they don’t appreciate

what it takes

to make all this happen like you’re

lucky you’re just in a

lucky spot you

found a spot

where it does the snow

and it doesn’t get too hot

and hardly ever

rains it’s an easy spot to live it really is

and they say it does something to the

psyche as far as

you know the lack of change kind of

almost puts us in a

trance yeah you

know when you

gear up for winter back

east and all that

i do like the idea of socializing there and the east

coast they are a lot more social with each

other and like if you’re in new york you can see a real

heated debate get really heated but

never come to blows

we’re on the west

coast it would come to blows because comes to

stupid we don’t comes to exactly

we don’t cross paths with each

other as much as they do we don’t

share a confined

space it’s real

spread out here it always has been

well it’s they walk

yeah they walk

no one walks here

there’s no walking

so it’s a it’s a

worse much worse setup

because you’re so

disconnected from all the people around you

right that’s why it’s like there’s such a big

contrast between the halves and halves knots here

it’s the most obvious this is the most

bling bling part of the country yeah

one of the reasons why it’s because you feel


from all the people that you’re around you’re not

touching them you’re not in contact with them

you’re not on the

subway with them

you’re not walking on the

street interacting with them

and because of that you feel like you’re

disconnected from them

you feel like you’re not

a part of them they’re something else and it makes a

separatism between

the two gaps and there’s a lack of respect for each

other and it’s like that’s the

thing is you don’t hear

you know the most racist

homophobic people

are places where there aren’t any

yeah you know

which is so

funny because

it’s just so i will

never understand people hate gay people because

at all the gay people i’ve ever met

70 of them were

entertaining as fuck

nicest happiest people in the road

they’re like little

teddy bears that have

dicks and they’re trying to fuck jeff the piano guy

was he one of the coolest


of all time

he’s so cool

so creative cool loyal

i mean that

a great guy

why would you care if

it had nothing to do with you that’s what i don’t get

that’s the real prejudice should be

against people who are prejudice

against gay people

right what the fuck is

wrong with you you can’t

that’s like being look

it sounds like a terrible

thing to say but it’s like

being upset at someone for any other

physical animality

like being short yeah you

know being being being having a big fucking nose like

you hate people that have a big nose

he’s born gay if

you don’t think someone’s born gay to

hang out with gay people

right who chooses

i’ll tell you man

almost to a man they all were like when i was

seven i looked at the catalogs and i got hard on

i don’t know why

sports illustrated made my dick

tingle they all

they all tell

you that man there’s there’s some deep seated

fear that they

have it within them if they hate them i just

some dudes that

could be pushed into it and i

think they’re very scared yeah

yeah those are very scary

on the fence people

there’s a lot of people they’re also

wired to do what they’re not supposed to do

right there’s a lot of people that are just

wired to do shit that’s

wrong yeah i

think has something

to do with people that like blow job videos

guys that like blow job

well i think no i

think some dudes for real like

some dudes are so dumb

that they’re so like they

fight the system no matter what they’re

wired to not do what they’re supposed to

right right if they’re in a situation

where they’re

drunk and they’re with a guy yeah the

situation and not do is not let this guy suck your dick

right but they

might be so

crazy and stupid yeah

let’s see what this is like oh you want to do this shit

yeah i don’t give a fuck bro

i’ll do whatever

and i know we all have guys in our head that we’re

thinking of but it’s just like

and probably some of the same guys too yeah

especially within this

this thing when you meet

guys like that i’ve met so many one we were talking

about earlier in your kitchen

yeah there’s a lot of them out there

there’s a lot of people that are a mess

but still man

the prejudice

against hating

gay people to me is one of the most disturbing ones

it’s getting exposed that it ain’t cool though i mean

it’s definitely there but

some really cool people are

starting to say

knock it off

it has to be

because i want to be able to use the word faggot

and not worry

about anything you can i don’t want anybody

thinking i’m a goddamn homophobe because

i’m not at all not even a little bit

and i want to be able to make fun of

crazy people like

ted haggard

and not be called a homo

right or this

eddie long character who’s been

hanging kids like

there’s a lot of these

crazy religious

assholes that are pretending to be straight

right really they’re gay

and they’re fucking people

yeah that doesn’t mean there’s anything

wrong with being gay

right what i’m talking

about are some

crazy liar not talking

about two people that

are in a consensual relationship and they enjoy each

other company they both happen to be guys

right what do i give a fuck about that

right what’s

funny to me is

crazy assholes

like ted hag

oh yeah who go on a cruise

and doing math and getting hookers on

craigslist yeah yeah

just looking out

but it’s a funny

thing whereas if you

start making fun of that guy all of a

sudden you’re

you’re making fun of all games yeah that’s that’s

where it’s getting it’s getting kind of

ridiculous it’s like you

still have to be able

to like you know

gotta be able to make fun of

everything if it’s

valid there’s hood

people and we

make fun of them it’s not we’re making fun of all

black people

right remember

everybody getting raped

in here remember the internet what is that oh yeah

everybody getting raped in here

you were made fun of that person not all

black people it’s just that person

same with the

flamboyant gay or the guy hiding it i mean

guys like hagrid

that’s hilarious it’s like you find out

he’s not just gay but he’s the most

devious just disgusting like

like it’s almost like

a law and order

episode it’s so bad it’s like are you kidding me i

loved the gay hooker that he was banging went on cnn

my man just out at me he’s like yeah

i’m a gay hooker

he just went on cnn and

admitted he was a gay prostitute

and he had sex several times with

ted hagrid and they

smoke meth together and shit so brilliant

whoa that guy got on cnn

how much i think he probably got more dick

after that i bet his fucking roster was stock

every day no the

the best thing for his

business ever

if he was smart he

would said i’ll

go on just give me just poke my website up there plug

my website yeah he got

bible but that’s what it was

that kind of guy like when

they when they find out

about guys like that i just love it’s like you

never think you’re

gonna see that kind of

in your life

like one of the

worst people

on earth you’re

like how is this for me it’s like that’s exactly it’s

like a gift from the universe like to see rush limbaugh

really get his

or somebody like that you know what i mean like to see

somebody was hooked on oxycontin

i was pretty close

homeboys taking a hundred

oxys a day and

go ranting on

against you know

you don’t just kick that

well it made

him go deaf

how about that

he was doing so many

oxys he lost his hearing

holla that’s

what what the

how the fuck does that work

i’ll alex jones explain the medical

reasoning behind it

i don’t remember it nor

do i know if it’s correct yeah

but what he said

it makes sense to me i don’t think look

you go deaf and by the way you happen to be doing 100

oxys a day that

might be related i can’t believe it’s

alive that’s not fucking

drawn down 100

i can’t hear but i’m

gonna continue to use it

cause i like getting high

you can do it on

rush limbaugh

man we need to make some parodies yes rush limbaugh

i buy this off of a

liberal road

but i do them

it’s so funny that guy just

tuned into that dumb dumb ideology

that just dumb dumb

you know i’m a fucking patriot

i’m here to do this is a good god

christian loving country here and we need to support

all these goddamn

you know hippies out there and

liberals they’re

trying to take down this democracy this

great thing that was

founded in seventeen

ballon they’ll just

start rattling off facts and nobody

believes all that you think no

they’re acts

they know their

acts they’re

all acts they know

it’s far more complex than that but it’s that position

is an excellent

profit position

you can make a lot of fucking

money being the

super patriot guy right

against the

liberals especially because

nobody wants to be a pussy

okay liberals are pussies yeah

that’s the problem that’s a big you know people

go what are you a rogan don’t tell me you’re a liberal

no don’t tell me i want freedom

don’t tell me i want the ability to express yourself i

hindered i believe in the

first amendment

i think gay people

should be willing to do whatever the fuck they want to

do or allowed to do whatever the fuck they want to do

people should be able to get

married you shouldn’t

you know hate

crime shouldn’t be real i

think yeah we

should figure out how to fucking

clean up the ghettos

i think we should

figure out how to

use some of our

taxes to fucking help out little kids that are

born into some

shit position and it’s supposed to be all

within the jurisdiction of this country

so yeah why aren’t we approaching that

so if that makes me a liberal

yeah i’m a liberal

which which

everything you

named a lot of people are

scared to realize that they are i have a lot of friends

especially back in arizona growing up there

you know who

like bro i’m conservative it’s like look at you

you look like a rapper

right now you’re not conservative

you quote too

you’re not conservative you’re just not

what people

think of conservative

a lot of it is

in support of big business

and that’s a problem because they say well hey it’s

capitalism that’s why this country is so great

i totally am in

favor of big business

if it wasn’t for them we

wouldn’t have all this cool shit

but the problem

is big business likes to act like it’s not a person

right like it’s

above being a person

if big business was a person and did all this shit

it would get sued and closed down and arrested

and you know it would

be an asshole the

caliberton there’s

90 billion dollars missing

from iraq 90

billion if how burton was a dude

and he’s like i don’t know it’s fucking gone man

they’re like really bob

there’s ninety

billion missing ninety

thousand million

where the fuck is it

i don’t know

you could do that

they would arrest that guy that guy

would be in shackles and in the court

they would be the number one

story on the news ever

yeah bob haliburton in the in the

court today could be

doesn’t know

where he put the ninety

billion it’s like misplacing a

state like where’s wyoming

where did wyoming

go number 90

billion that is so huge

that is that is such a

sizable piece of

money that could do so much for every

state in the nation

they would notice that i’m talking

major shit they’re missing so much

money over there they’re missing

money from the

mercenary accounts

they’re missing

i don’t know

where the fuck anything is

going that’s amazing you

know that monsanto

the fucking seed corporation the

genetically modified food corporation

the one that sells seeds that makes everybody’s

and then makes the

farmer buy new seeds next year and if

you can’t use the seeds no

wax seeds yeah you can’t

reuse them like nature intends

you can’t like if you buy a fucking tomato

that tomato has seeds in it

you know and

you know or you’d

rather you bite seeds for the tomato grow the tomato

and then take the seeds out of

tomatoes you grow and replant them they’ll arrest you

you’re breaking the law

they just bought blackwater

jeez they did

jeez the devil

just bought

most evil corporation ever bought the

second most evil corporation that is

awful i saw

what they did to

those poor farmers

those poor guys

they’re like what am i supposed to do you’re

growing seeds aren’t you

a chick named

brooklyn from tapout

radio sent me a documentary and i watched it

it’s all about

these people from

these impoverished

countries that

that committed suicide because they couldn’t

repay the debt that they

owed to monsanto

dude it’s all

about how what they figured out was if you could

get patents on

plants yeah if you

could modify a

plant get a

patent on it then you own it then you copyright that

plant’s yours

right no one else can grow it

you can control it just like

downloads on the internet

that’s fucking nuts man they

figured out a way to do that with food they

figured out a way to copyright foods when i saw

food when i saw that i saw you know a

bunch of those the king corn and all

those other ones i was

honest to god

completely naive

about the whole

thing i don’t eat fast food

right and that kind of crap but i was like i

think i’m doing okay but i don’t realize

doesn’t matter

that i’m getting the choice cut of beef at

ralph’s it’s still

from this corn fed

you know slaughterhouse

right they said there was something like

14 000 slaughterhouses in america

in the early 80s and now there’s like

like literally like

it’s all going down through one company

tyson farms

and i can’t remember the

other one but it’s like

literally your meat is all

and it’s like

if one’s bad that’s why people are getting

sick with the e coli like all over in mass numbers

because it’s like

nothing’s regionalized anymore it’s all centralized

it’s like we make it here we chop the meat

up we put the bad with the good and we sell it to you

you know it’s like

unless you’re getting

shit from you

know a farmer that you know is a farmer your

local luckily here we’ve got them farmers markets but

it’s just it’s disgusting that’s another

fucked up thing

about people the

disconnect between the meat

and and your food

the disconnect between

where it comes from oh

yes there’s a big

disconnect there you know i’ve told people that

i want to go hunting i’m supposed to go hunting with

ricky schroeder this

season oh and

ricky schroeder loves to hunt

really it’s kind of crazy but

and i tell people

that like why

would you want to kill an animal why

would you want to do that like you eat meat

you eat me someone’s killing that well

you know what i don’t have

to see it if i don’t have to see it i want to see it

you don’t want to see it but

you’re experiencing what comes from it and that’s like

there’s a disconnect there that can

never be healthy

yeah can never be healthy to be eating animals

and not know what it feels like to kill an animal

right yeah you’re

right about that

it can’t because you’re not gonna

appreciate it

you think about the

people that we consider the most in tune with nature

those are the american indians

right those

the ones that we always glorify and we always you know

saying that

these are the guys that were like in tune with

they used every part of the buffalo that they killed

yeah they didn’t

waste anything they

lived harmoniously with

them and you know

they would praise the

spirit of the animal that provided them with food

this respect for

their own prey

was like very

prevalent throughout

their culture you know respect for the buffalo and all

these different stories

about the buffalo but we

came out and

slaughtered them all dude

i mean you want to talk

about how destructing

human beings can be that’s one of the

greatest stories ever oh yeah

just how many they


just slaughtered them in a

house short of time there was

millions of

they used to be all

over the place yeah

buffalo used to be like overwhelming

all over this country i

freak out if i saw one once

one in my life

yeah and they just went just nutty

shooting all of them and taking

their skins that was like a big business

shooting buffaloes

and selling

their skins yeah

and then they didn’t know they were picking them off

like what you know just like cherries in the beginning

because they didn’t know to be afraid of man because

they never had been and they

never heard a gun

yeah you know they didn’t know to scatter when they

heard that gun they just

boom one would drop

boom another

would drop talk

about a fucking species getting jacked

yeah species

living forever in this one spot having no problems

eating grass wandering around

and all of a

sudden these little

tank monkeys with

metal bang sticks

come out of nowhere just

start dropping


we talk about an

alien invasion man

how terrifying

must that shit pin to buffalo oh i know that’s like an

alien invasion that’s like fucking we are the war of

worlds right

because we are the

world we are

the world it

would be like we are the

world all the

monkeys are holding hands with the buffalo

i mean think

about how fucking

freaky that

would be if buffalo were intelligent

and this just

started happening and they were just

stuck with these

goofy buffalo bodies

i mean look at dolphin

bodies dolphins can’t really move anything around

can’t you know they can’t

manipulate things

they’re kind of

stuck just as much as buffalo are

you just can’t say that man

doesn’t have an

effect on his environment

because that’s that’s the

first series of evidence that that

proves that you know

we wiped out indians buffalo

and everything yeah

we make shit extinct

and then we

bring a thing or two back like the

california condo but

again it was like yeah right

keep that spot at

all healthy

that little

prick who in my

front yard that owl i hate that

prick i hate it

i hate his gas

owl that lives in my neighborhood

bro i see this

motherfucker at

night he’s big like a dog yeah dude

owls are no joke they’re not

big and fucking

scary and they’re

like the most ruthless predators oh big owls attack

eagles yeah

they go in eagles nest

while eagles are

sleeping and kill them how

about that those are

those fucking

talons that

get you man i seen them jack

rabbits around here man oh yeah it’s a trip

like you’re

watching like wild kingdom type shit

right right on my

street it’s weird

to have a bird there’s a bird of prey living in their

front yard big one

and when he gets loud at night whoo

yeah i’m just like please be quiet yeah

it’s just so

scary it’s like you hear

it coming from his diaphragm he’s a man it’s like a

yeah it’s like a man it’s like a sixty

pound animal there’s a dude out in the tree

i mean i don’t know how

how much they actually

weigh but it looks like if it was a dog it’d be like a

50 50 that take

five six foot wingspan

it’s a flying cat there was one outside

bigger than a cat way

bigger than

a cat there was one outside my window the other day

he was just sitting on my railing

motherfucker was

he had to be almost

three feet tall wow

you’re playing

a big fucking

gray thing yeah

i’m looking i’m like that’s like a demon

thing that only comes out at

night and just jacks things

takes advantage

of the fact that everyone else asleep and just fucks

things like you got to

think like the

first person see like i was thinking

about silverback gorillas it

compared to men

they were discovered pretty recently in the

grand scheme of

things i think

the mountain

grill in the 50s was like the

first time somebody came across like

this healthy

furry black man

who can i’m half

black by the way audience

just to get

out of the way

but like just this a monster

monster there’s a monster

ferocious vegetarian like and nobody would believe

little dick

little tiny ones yeah

he’s full animals at that

you notice them

versus the chimps the chimps are the ones with

those screws yeah

they start clapping

you know out of control

they’re like gangs but the gorilla just eats and sleeps

well they’re vegetarians

that’s the difference yeah that’s

clearly a difference

but i mean they’ve figured out a way to

supply their body with just

plants so there’s no need to be aggressive

except to protect themselves are you a vegetarian no

do you know

herschel walker

yes which is

is this diet real

it may not be

bread it doesn’t make any

sense yeah but it does it how

does it make it

maintain man

apparently herschel

walker is one of

those guys and he’s a

a tremendous athlete

and incredible competitor he’s a

great football player

and he’s been

a great spokesperson for

depression and for

brain injuries and shit like that

and he’s a bad

motherfucker and he’s a

tremendous athlete and

i’m very impressed with the way he gets in his

strike force

the knock on him

is that he wants people to

think and know that he’s


right you know so i mean he is

extraordinary as

an athlete he’s got

extraordinary work

ethic extraordinary abilities

but he wants people to

think that he’s

something out of this world so

say something like

i don’t know this is true i mean this is just what i’ve

heard what i’ve

heard is that he’ll say well i only eat a bowl of soup

a day meanwhile i’m fucking eating food man look at him

he weighs 220

pounds he would disappear

that’s the thing stop it with your

crazy talk he’s massive his traps

start from the bottom of his

ears and i don’t necessarily

believe his dog

yeah i’m a huge fan

yeah he’s i mean i’ve

heard my whole life growing up there like

he only does push ups he only does prison work yeah

i mean does he does

i bought that but the meal

thing i was like there’s no way

doesn’t make any

sense your body would

eat it through your muscles

would continue

to eat them so there’s no

food that’s not enough calories yeah it’s that that’s

ridiculous it

doesn’t make any

sense it’s just

it’s like one plus one is 89

it’s what you’re

saying to me you’re saying you eat a bowl of soup

every day okay

you weigh 220

and you fucking

do mma workouts for

three hours a day

and you’re 47 exactly yeah what are you talking about

what are you talking

about you just

said some nonsense i’m god

i mean i don’t know what he’s

really eating i don’t even know what he really said

but i’ve heard people

that were very knowledgeable that were professional

fitness people instructors

and personal

trainers fight

trainers and


i’ve heard every i’ve

heard like a conversation like

among six guys

and they were all saying

there’s no fucking way there’s no way there’s no way

even with supplements there’s no

way it’s like this guy’s eating food he has to eat food

you have you

know i mean some guys go

vegan there’s a lot of guys that are vegans

that’s pretty extreme

antonio mckee’s very

successful wrestler he’s

really good he’s been undefeated for like i think six

seven years in a row

fucking takes guys down out work some

he’s a he’s a

vegan straight vegan

make danzick

he’s another one

what’s the deal though

how do you get

i mean how do you get your protein it’s like i could

never be one i mean

was the best source because quinoa’s is green yes

yeah spelled

queen nona it’s

spelled like q

u i o n a or something like that

it’s not yeah

it’s really good and it’s

it’s a grain

that has all the amino acids in it but

but if you have hemp protein you’re not

gonna get all of them and if you have

rice protein you’re not getting it all of them

you don’t get the same

stuff that you get out of meat

unless you’re very careful you

gotta be really careful with your protein

i mean is it better to be a vegetarian do you

think i don’t

think so not necessarily

you know it’s an interesting story when

travis barker from

blink 180 whatever the fuck it is what is he from good

point tattoos but

with tattoos yeah

you know that guy got

terrible plane crash

with the dj

well when he got fucked up in that

plane crash

that’s when he became

a meat eater

because the skin

graphs weren’t taking

skin graphs

weren’t taking and then once he

started eating meat they

started taking

wow i’ve been eating hardcore

vegan for like the last couple weeks

how many dicks you suck in

those time but

no but i’ve been only doing it like 90

of the time meaning i’m not like i

still throw in

steak and and

stuff like that here and there

so i’m not doing 100 vegan

but i have noticed

since i’ve been eating

it i just feel way better in like well you need to

clean your diet vegan

cheese by the way

so for you you need to

clean your diet

up you know that so well i’ve always been

i’ve always been eating healthy for weight watchers

cause i’ve been doing weight

watchers for like four years so i’m

still i’m not eating you still

love weight watch

yeah i’ve been on weight

watchers too

this whole time but you fluctuate

you go like back and forth what i’m saying is that

you’re obviously not

watching it all the time

and if you do and you all of a

sudden get on a

strict thing like

a vegan diet

when you’re getting all

these nutrients and all this

fiber and all this

water in your

system you’re

going to feel way better for sure

but a lot of it is because

i’ve been eating a shitlet a kinwa

though that’s

my new favorite

thing you lost

quinoa like i said it’s

spelled funky but it’s protein or

yeah it’s what it’s

what they say is the most complete

plant based protein there’s a place

called swingers

that makes the best

you just go there and get a side of it

i make protein

shakes i put

hemp protein in it hemp protein is pretty good

whey protein really is better

that’s what i was doing i was doing

150 grams of the whey protein

but you know

strangely enough i developed a kidney

stone shortly

after that i

would rather get

shot next time

gotta drink

water son yeah

drinking a lot more now

very important that’s

even better than

water you ever have coconut water

no oh shit son oh you got some coconut

water over here

it’s the best

cocoa in that

water it’s called o

two somebody brought it into

just last one

night it’s called co

two c o two c two o

yeah c two o

fucking awesome wait

way better than

that coconut one or whatever it’s called

by the ladies and gentlemen

this thing still on because

it just crashed yet

this coconut

water is the fucking bomb diggity

folks and it’s

super healthy for you coconut

water if you

if you look at it’s like

nutritional profile

it’s way better for you than

sports drinks

you know it’s like

the best for you like

right after you get done working out

sweet it’s delicious too

it is good so you

gotta take care

of your body son that’s all we’re talking

about here fitness and shit

i just started you know i’m 30 by the way

i have to say this

one more time because i i get

people complain

when someone goes i’m a vegetarian

i go how many dicks suck

i’m not serious okay fucking

relax with the tweets

you you ignorant

asshole vegetarianism is not equal gay

if you’re down with animal suffering and cruelty

it’s just a joke man do you

think mr rogers was gay

cause i watched it the

other day and i felt like i was watching

myself getting raped or something like i was like

whoa this creepy guy

my god he’s so gay now there’s a lot of characters

that like that

are like mr wizard that couldn’t be around

today like old guy doing

experiments in the basement mr

rogers was probably one of

those guys that was gay but

he never did anything

didn’t do anything because he didn’t want to ruin

his reputation he was like dexter

he kept this

he probably

home and cried he probably had three

secrets you know

that haunted him

maybe yeah rogers

is a pillar

in the woods

yeah something probably happened him in that

but whatever that drawing the artist guy

used to go on

canoe trips with kids did you know he yeah

bob ross oh yeah bob ross

did you know who me and bob ross are

gonna go canoeing with the kids this weekend

it’s a beautiful day

are you battling


i like you know who i love is he’ll houser you know

yeah sure he’s

the best he’s only in la guy yeah

he’s the rest

of the country

he’s this local guy and

he’s kind of a country

bumpkin but he’s just as nice and as pleased with

everything you

take him anywhere he’s like wow what’s that

it’s a water fountain

it’s not even on the

floor let’s go

oh wow what does it do

but it’s on pbs it’s one of

these shows

you get so addicted to

watching it’s such bad programming you

begin to love it like really love it

and you just see this guy he goes all around california

he’s kind of

annoying people

but he’s likable you know what i mean and

i saw him one time i’ve

lived in l a hollywood for 10 years

and i was like starstruck i was like now there’s a star

he’ll houser

because you feel like you’re the only one on

earth watching his show

well other people

watch it too and it becomes


but what is uneatertaining and is terrible right

become so terrible becomes

awesome yeah exactly then because

weird it’s like

watching a really bad newscast or something they don’t

know that it’s

the problem with like the guys that are like

they’re doing unintentional comedy

know they’re doing

it they don’t know

so when you talk

to him that’s when you get you get bummed out oh yeah

talking to him and

cuz you’re goofing on them

but they don’t

they don’t want to be goofed on no i’m

a meeting with oliver stone yeah

that sure is neat

some dudes don’t they don’t want to be that guy

yeah who else

is like that like some people and some people embrace

it though you know like you take like a hassle hopper

or somebody

william shatner that’s the coolest guy

you know what i mean it’s like i’m a douchebag yes but

i’m a good one

you know it’s just got that

it’s got that i know i’m a douche feeling i don’t

think you were you

so much so many people

tugging at him you have to act a certain way he’s

you have to be able to

distance yourself

slightly from people he

embraces the caricature he is

you know what

i mean there’s a little of that but he’s also

you know he’s a fucking talented

guy he’s been around a long goddamn time dude i

worship people

probably fuck with them all day yeah i

don’t know anything

about priceline

yeah yeah exactly

he was killer on the twilight he’s on the

greatest twilight zone episode ever nightmare at

twenty thousand feet

how crazy is my man charlie sheen

oh dude i love it this

story just keeps getting better man charlie sheen

if you don’t know the

story charlie sheen

got arrested in a hotel

in new york city coked up

screaming nigger

while a prostitute was locked in his bathroom

pornstar prostitute oh

pornstar pro

it wasn’t even

black porn stars yeah she

wasn’t even

black he just brought the word in he

wanted to get her to fuck him but she

wouldn’t do anything

until she got her

money and he couldn’t find its

money this is a

story that radar online was saying

right so he

fucking starts

punching holes in the wall

screaming nigger

yeah i love that that when i

heard that i

was like it’s getting so good now it’s like

it’s like you can get any better yeah it really make

you get better as if this

bitch had her iphone out

please please

release the

video i’m almost looking

at this like guy like almost like he’s untouchable

this guy’s a bad

motherfucker he’s a bad race

he’s got a race

there’s something

going on there

because i don’t know if you guys remember like six

months ago there was something to do with like mexican

gay and those guys

yeah and what

guys the the cast of that show the two kid the

two dads and a kid

the nasty kid

somebody was trying

his ex wife like

hired a dude like

omar from the wire something to go great

kill him like there’s a hit

yeah no ducky from the

other guy from

the show the

other guy from

the show dude

that show is straight up

gangster you go

see a filming i like that episode

straight up gangster

you get out

of your hands

but you are the

least gangster man

you ever exist you

could do a filming of that

there’s probably some

sketchy shit there you know like there’s probably like

crazy gang and the

worst thing of this

show is awful i

would the show is

oh it seems like that show is horrible i don’t

understand if

mad men was ridable shit like that i’d be like

that’d be pretty cool but it’s like this show is the

worst show ever and it gets the best ratings ever

like it’s the biggest it’s a high

highest rated show

sitcom there’s

only what is the big deal behind the show

what is what do people like

about it you know it’s the one

liners it’s the quips

it’s just you know it’s just it appeals to families i

guess i don’t know i mean it’s kind of it’s

you know i watch it because i asked

every girl i dates for some reason likes that show

so i have that shit on my dvr so once in a

while that’s one of my

good to bed

shows pretty

stupid who yeah

i am but like i put it on before

like before i go to bed and so i end up like half

watching it

and it’s it’s

you know it’s just fucking it’s a sitcom it’s just it’s

part of one

episode i was like alright let’s see what this is all

about i gave it like 15 seconds

yeah to fuck my

wife and i mean as a comedian

you just can’t

you just can’t honestly

people don’t

know how hard it is to go from being a comedian

to doing shitty comedy

doing shitty comedy is hard doing a shitty sitcom

shitty sitcoms are brutality yeah

they’re really hard to do

they’re terrible

you’ve done sitcoms

what was your show again

for you on a shitty one man

oh i was on a show

yeah frank tv that was um

that wasn’t a shitty one was it no it was

a decent it was

a decent sketch it was

small i’ll say it was

small so it was like you know

definitely didn’t

it wasn’t like showing up to the set of

you know a major network it was tbs

but i had fun it was

enjoyable but

but news radio now that’s huge now what was that

like showing it wasn’t huge did that become a huge no

it became huge

after while we were on the air i mean we got this

indication sure

barely right

we were supposed

to get 100 episodes we accidentally did 98

but what happened with news

radio is we just kept getting

moved we got

moved nine times over the course of five

seasons yeah we got

moved like crazy

and you realize that a lot of

what puts a sitcom in certain places

like paul simms

used to talk

about it there was the shit sandwich

between friends

and there was something else that was on

after friends

it was great to something else it was good

and they would always sandwich

these shitty shows

in those spots before that

and those shows

would be huge

like there was

one called the single guy there was this terrible show

really nice guy

it was the star jonathan

something or another yeah i remember

super nice guy

but the show was terrible it just wasn’t good

but meanwhile it’s getting

giant monster ratings just

right after

friends yes

so people would

watch it and

sims would bitch and we

would get moved around and we were on like tuesday and

sunday and wednesday and

monday we just got

moved all over the

place and no one even

when the show got canceled

it partially was because

phil hartman got killed

and so the last

season we did with lovett

and this season

the last season for a couple reasons wasn’t

as good it wasn’t as good because we had a different

executive producer

because paul sims was working on this other

thing called overseas that i was the star of it

was another sitcom that they were trying to do on nbc

and part of it was because

phil was gone

and it was a totally different vibe right

now so we had

you know john lovett who was very

funny but it was very different and we had to

kind of adjust and everybody was all fucked up because

you know just

a few months ago

the dude was hanging out with us and now he’s murdered

we have to like do a

whole episode

where we have to like

you know talk

about how he died

and then this guy

the love its character gets introduced

so that was

part of the reason why it got cancelled but the

other reason was it wasn’t that

successful they

would come in we got

moved around so many times

the writers

would come in like this guy

lou morton who’s hilarious

very very funny

right and this

motherfucker got me addicted to quake

he was the guy who

got me addicted because he was really good at and we

would battle back and forth at work because they had a

whole quake

oh yeah local area network set up there

he used to come in

on the day of

the ratings were released with whatever number

we were because

it became like a joke written on his t shirt

and he came in one day and it said 88

88 we were 88

of all the shows on tv were

88 wow especially

about the 97 98 there

were there even that

many shows on tv

shows and she

were like whoa

wow 88 or we

might have been 84th it was in the 80s but

i mean the thing is that

weren’t you

just glad to show up and be working in hollywood’s

you know what i

mean definitely

absolutely what i’m saying is just

look i i people

would always

bitch people on the set

would be like this is fucking bullshit you know

why does you know

caroline in the city get to be on they were called

caroline in the shitty

you see the new

promo for caroline in the shitty

fucking shows terrible

there was a lot of that

going on there was a lot of that going on

on the set but

there was also a lot of people that were like this is

we’re doing something really special this is like a lot

of fun well as a comedian to you already have kind of

more of a blue collar work

ethic that we have

for actors i

think a lot

not all actors but i

for sure appreciated it more because i

never expected it

right you know yeah and that’s a different

thing actors they always grow up wanting

to be in sitcoms me i was in a sitcom like almost

per chance oh wow

the whole thing became i

never took is it

i heard this

story about that did i hear

right that ray romano was

he was the original

he was the original character couldn’t cut it yeah they

fired him and then hired

another actor to do it for the

pilot so then the

other actor did it for the pilot

and then they

fired him and hired me

so i didn’t really take ray’s part i took the guy who

stole ray’s part isn’t that

something how stories work out like just that

that that close it

could have been some

other than worse

is decided to go a different way with it they just

you know it wasn’t that

ray wasn’t good it’s like you know ray was older and

it was more

relaxed and

i was trying

they were trying to figure out so they they

the next guy was like the zany

guy like ah what have i got over here

and then like

that didn’t work either and then i just got

lucky i just came in

have you taken a

bunch of acting

classes no i’ve been on a shitty show though

i got a development deal with fox

it was with disney

actually and then i was on the show called hardball

this is how bad the show was it was a baseball show

a sitcom and it

could have been

hilarious because the guys who originally

wrote it this guy’s

named jeff martin and kevin kern

they were writers for the simpsons and they

wrote for married with children

brilliant they

wrote a brilliant

pilot the pilot was hilarious

yeah jim brewer was in the

pilot yeah and

mike starr you

might have seen him

using good fellows there’s been a

bunch of movies and

bruce greenwood

and there was a

good cast a

good alexandra wentworth

but the the

the real problem was with the network

and with uh

they didn’t want

these guys jeff and

kevin to be the producers of the show

cause they didn’t

think they knew how to run a show

so they brought in this

other dude this

other dude just

started fucking hacking it up

hacking it up

taking scripts

and just butchering them and just terrible jokes and

he would go and do coke on his yacht

with this girl who was playing my

girlfriend in this

first episode oh my god

became friends with this

chick and would take her on his yacht and they would

write and he

would do blown fucker and

come back with the

worst scripts

of all time

but when they would

come back she

would have like

more reliance

god no it’s

great finally

it got to we filmed a few episodes with this guy

and he was so hated and it was so

the tension on the set was so bad

that they decided to fire him oh

good they got hot

and they brought in another guy

and the other guy closed it out and it was only

eight episodes only

seven of them aired and it was death

and i was done with that i was like fuck acting

this is terrible acting

this is the shit you have to deal with i was

ready to go back to new york

but i fucked up and got a

whole year lease on this

apartment i

couldn’t afford

i was ready

to go back i was like this is i’m done i’m a comedian

like you were

that turned off oh

yeah i was totally

ready to go

and then all of a sudden

boom i auditioned for newsradio and i’m on it

i mean literally like a

month later i’m on

this new show and i’m fucking working with phil hartman

so i go from

never taking an acting class

never even thinking

about doing acting

doing stand up at fucking

jimmy’s comedy

alley in queens

and then a week later

you know i’m in hollywood and two months

later i’m sitting across the

table read from phil hartman

going what the fuck is

going on here

that’s some cool shit

it was bizarre

i was beyond

bizarre yeah that’s cool you’ve lived like

multiple lives it seems

like you’re accomplished in multiple

arenas where it’s like

you did this

done with that do this done with that it’s like i

think that’s the thing

about life you have to keep

just trying new shit

like there’s so many

things like a lot of times i’ll say i want to get into

this but it’s like my life’s over i’m 31 and be like

why not why not

do anything

you know how many times i contemplate

playing professional pool

i stop and think

about how much

money would

i have to squirrel away for a year to join the pro tour

and try to practice 8 10

hours a day

and try to make a run at playing pool and just

play i just want to

place an account

you know you got it in you because that’s the thing

you get that feeling

it’s like when you come and you do something like this

like in hollywood or accomplish yourself in a sport

you become the

elite of your company it’s like

you want to do it

again you want to find some different

things like guys who become scratch golfers like i

think justin timberlake

or somebody’s almost like a scratch golfer at this

point like he’s

he’s really good i’m

obsessed with him yeah i’m like he

kinda should be

you know what i

mean he’s a bad

motherfucker yeah

it’s musashi’s

quote once you

understand the way

broadly you can see it in all

things that’s

one of my favorite quotes

and it’s all

about recognizing what it takes to really master

something really takes to get in tune with what is

great about something the buddha says if you want

to know how good you’re doing it something look back

every 10 years

and that’s another one

that’s one i love one

because that takes 10 years to see your progress yeah

which he always

means stop looking back at your progress and just keep

thinking it

right now goddamn

tricky buddhists yeah god damn it

was johnny appleseed real

or is that just a fictional character he’s real and the

story is bullshit

what is the story

story is that he sprinkled seeds

basically all throughout

the what was it the western

state there

from across the the new

when the louisiana purchase happened i

think he went just go sprinkling seeds like all manic

seeds seeds

what but they

said something

they said i saw a thing

about seeds and they’re like

apples don’t grow that way yeah

seeds are don’t go in certain regions

the first one dies you know it’s

like there’s a real maintenance you don’t just sprinkle

an apple tree is a is a

is a hard fucking

thing it’s almost

like a baby being born a lot of shit has to go

right really

i mean apple

trees are hard to pull off and

they said that him just

going around doing that all it

would create is like sour

grape size apples like it just

doesn’t work that way you

gotta cultivate you gotta

you gotta know what you’re doing so do you think he

spent time to actually

plant them properly

or he just didn’t

really do it and he was just trying to get attention

i think he set up the

one actual little farm for himself but like i said the

second generation

don’t give off as good as the

first and you have to

stick around

and maintain that they act like he’s just sprinkled it

along the countryside

a pot on his hat

maybe it was just his song to promote his

apple farm that he did i think

it’s the legends up there with paul

bunyan pretty much

watch it watch

watch shelly

appleseed is

great great


you motherfucker

do you think

do you think that you

would just get used to living

like people live back in those days

like do you

think i mean

do people just get used to it or do you

think it was like life suck back like did they know

where they like what the fuck

like life is too fucking hard i

think so i think with

those those

pioneers and people who came out to settle the

west i mean it’s like big balls you know i give them

big credit for that because it’s like they came down to

you know the soil and like

north dakota like you can’t get through that shit

good luck farming

they got through that shit and

with horses and they were saying like

yeah the number of people coming out were just

dying and drove

but the ones they finally tackled it and got it

going you know

those are the ones

who obviously survived and

later thrived but

i wouldn’t want to try that shit crazy life

there was a

thing they did on

national geographic

it was a reality show but it was

basically a survivor but no

prize to be won they just

threw you out here you got it

survive in alaska

so i watched that i

watched the

whole thing it was fucking

great dude it really

talks like dudes were getting hungry like in the

first six hours like i can

do this shit

and then when

like even a

real big like this cop dude like he couldn’t hack it

after a while but

ladies were able to hack it was just

they were killing squirrels with

their bare hands to eat

and they quickly

adapted to that

wouldn’t you say like after the

first week all

civility goes out the window no more

table manner i

watched one of the

first episodes only

but they couldn’t find anything to

kill they killed a squirrel and it fell in a hole yeah

shot it and it fell in a hole and they couldn’t get

yeah they couldn’t get to and they were just starving

there was nothing delirious

like you have to start to

training your body in

this sick way to just take one morsel of something and

and maximize

your shit they’d get a kill finally and they’d

make a stew because a stew will go further and you can

transport a stew

because that’s the

thing too you got to

bring your food with you

you know if you kill something they

ate a fucking

ate a porcupine

yeah it was the most disgusting looking

thing when they feel

dressed this

thing things

spilled out of there i’d never

seen in my life porcupine

i don’t remember

it was something

about alaska just something

i think i got it saved

yeah it was good i

watched the

whole thing it was pretty damn good and in the end

they were emaciated looking they looked horrible yeah

there’s a guy we’ve talked

about on the show that you ever

go to that website vbs

tv here’s the

vice guide to

travel there’s a whole

series they do online it’s

great great

stuff and one of them they went to this guy

i think his name is hind mo

it’s a strange name

but this guy lives in like

northeastern alaska

he lives in like this area where

only a few people have

permission to

still live up there and he lives in this one room cabin

and he’s been up there for 30 years

this guy literally

never saw the

towers fall and he can

speak good english he’s a very intelligent guy

and he lives his life just

hunting and gathering just following caribou around

shooting them he has a couple

cabins that he walks to he has no car

he does everything on foot

he gets supplies drops

yeah he gets like bullets and i

guess he must

get some vegetables i don’t know what happens there

i don’t know if he gets canned vegetables but

he’s not eating any vegetables on the

show what he’s always eating is caribou that he kills

and fish that he catches

and that’s what he does every day

every day he’s following caribou around

shooting him but he’s a very bright guy

and when he’s

talking he says that men got away from the

whole hunting and gathering

thing what is that

what is that is that fire alarm

fire alarm i don’t know what that is huh

it’s a water

water thing

that was crazy that was a pipe

i thought it was a

what kind of show is this

dude no this is that’s how ghetto the show is

my pipes are making crazy noises

oh you know that is that’s the in house vacuum cleaner

it’s been fucking up lately

he has these vacuum cleaners where you just yeah

i’ve heard tale of

those before i was cool to actually see one

this house is the shit by the way

this is this is

thank thank god you got that that audition that time

huh it all worked out

money yeah well

so the reason

why i was willing to do something like fear factor was

after doing

like a bad sitcom and then

entertain the idea of doing another bad sitcom

after news radio

i was like i’d rather do something that’s not

funny at all

yeah you know i’d rather do

what else can

i do to get paid i can do this and you’ll pay me okay

let’s do this

right i can do that too

i know as a

comic i don’t

watch comedy i can’t

stand it it won’t make me

laugh i like

drama and i like movies are

good i like hangover

hangover was hilarious

movies are always good they don’t they don’t they don’t

screw you over they’re not trying to fit in

laugh every

minute in ten seconds

right you know

right they’re trying to make a good

story they can do a good

story i like

gallophanec it’s a lot i think he’s

have you seen the new one no

is it good i

heard brody’s

awesome in it

brody’s so great the brody is it out

yeah dude it out

so you’ve run as easy saw it said it was really good

lucky you can’t go

wrong calvinacas

he’s just funny he’s

gonna be like make a real mark like a

bill murray i think

he’s already like that

the way people love him he’s already

what about the whole

stink though that he

bill murray obviously is a

legend yeah

absolutely it

in when bill

murray was coming up and he was in that

that vibe you know like when

stripes was you remember

stripes yeah

absolutely when

stripes is coming out man

bill murray was like anything you

could say was

funny yeah yeah

would watch them

galvanakkas is like

right he’s getting there i

watched that you know i

never watch

stand up comedy and i

watched one

night i was

watching netflix i was like i’ll

check him out

at the purple onion it was like i was genuinely

laughing my ass off

he’s very fun

and as a performer i

watch you know it’s a very precise

crafted thing that

he does and he’s really good at it you know what i mean

to the point

where i can

respect and be like oh wow this is a comedians

like a magician it’s like oh i know how he did

right well i

see that that’s

great good job

but i was literally

laughing i was like who

makes you laugh the most

besides me guys like you brody

obviously your friends i

still laugh

is it like late like brody

he’s probably the biggest on

spoken treasure

bro he probably

just gets to all of us and the thing

about brody is you have to see him live

thank you and i talked

about this you

have to see him in person to get the joke

yeah because

people who just see him online or something

they don’t there’s something missing in the two


world you have to see

and feel and know the mannerism and see that

this is a character but god damn it is this

character always

you know being attended to it’s like

okay hold on i’m

gonna put stops that

no stopped on so

he makes me laugh

bill burr makes me

laugh a lot bill burr

is hilarious

he’s always writing too i’ve

heard his mention

that he’s the best

one of the best right now

and people are

starting to say that it’s

like you get so knee deep in it you don’t even like

kapur is my best friend and it’s like i forget

i forget he’s

famous now it’s

weird it’s like we go places and

he gets mobbed i’m like wow is that

from the chelsea handler show yeah big time

that seemed

to just put him through the roof and now he’s doing

great on the road he’s

happy he just got

engaged the

other day that

should work out well yeah and her most to beat she got

engaged and is she

gonna let him play xbox and yeah

hey come over here yeah

we’ll still play madden i’m sure but we’ll play online

but it’s like you know

i things make me

laugh that sometimes

it’s not even a person or a comedian

it’s a dog dogs make me my dog right but

i mean like with

stand ups like patton

oswalt i do

louis anderson off

and on off and

on you know

he’s one of my favorites

the comedians a comedy tour

you know i like that a lot i like

because galvanakis did some work on that one and then

who are the

other nerds

brian besain

yeah he’s great

i like patton oz

what i do because he appeals to

comedians is just sometimes he’s just a little too yeah

i think he’s

he’s comfortable there’s really

what he did this bit

he did this bit that that

i fucking one of

those i wish i thought of that because i’ve

often thought

about it but i

never thought it was

funny about

how all those

stores like on melrose and

stuff like you’re like how did

how does these

places pay for

their rent they’re selling candles you know

it’s probably like 3 000

and this whole

bid on that and fucking

brilliant you just

pride you know i

think he’s that was one that he just made up that

night you see the kid he

felt like he’s a writer

yeah writer

you see the

kid who ripped him off and was doing his

job that was hilarious yeah

kids had ripped him off one kid ripped him off during

a commencement

speech or some sort of a

graduation speech

how can you

do that he fucked up and it was a one that’s online

man it’s like a fucking like

especially now

see that’s what the internet is doing it’s eradicating

liars it’s getting rid of liars at

least there’s a

major reference

point here it’s like you know

cause remember like when you were a kid

you know there’d be a kid in your

fifth grade my dad plays for the raiders

it’s like i’m pretty sure he

doesn’t but i can’t really prove that

wrong but it’s like now you can

prove the person

wrong on the spot there’s some

crazy liars out there

man i remember one time i was at this club in florida

and this guy goes yeah my boy’s on the

phone my boy fought chuck

lil before beat him back in 99

you know it’s

like ninety nine or whatever the fuck the date was

so i got on the

phone this guy

i go what’s up

it goes yeah yeah fuck

chuckle dough

fuck chuckle dough

what happened i stopped him stop

what year was this

he tells me the i go that didn’t happen

i go the only people

chuck’s lost to at the time was jeremy horn

and he had just lost to randy

mm hmm yeah

the only people he’s lost to what are you talking

about man no man

this guy just made something up

just completely

crazy story up about

about fighting

chuck liddell

was like totally artificial

yeah don’t you

think they document

something that important you know yeah it’s just

just like how people

come up to you and they’re always like saying dude

my friend used to hang out with you there’s just

these stories that people tell

people to get like

i was partying with him in vegas

when you get

back to the room it was hilarious

i found out what a

great jokes i

found out exactly what this shit

tastes like the c2o

water it drink it and

think of cereal

water cereal milk

after gordon grams

it tastes like that that’s why it’s delicious

yes it’s healthy for you too it’s all real pure coconut

water listen

right out of coconut that’s some good shit

where do you get that at online

who’s your dealer

get you what some dude got it in la

but i don’t know what

story got it from he brought to

jiu jitsu and he’s handing them out

actually sell them at the nutrition

stores and i just

found out do they yeah it’s like

pretty good two dollars a bottle we

should be getting a cut from this

now we should

be a podcast they

should be a

sponsor bullshit

yeah dude you

gotta get them you

gotta get free

slight and coconut

water so you know i just realized talking to you

about impressions that

you know i don’t

i’ve never practiced

any of the impressions that i’ve done

i just do them

like with joey diaz or

something like that i just know i can do it and

i just do it yeah

are you that way too like you hear someone talk

yeah i think it’s like you

gotta get out of your own way you just let it filter in

and come out come out

you know cause

it’s like like

you’ll hear

it if you try to scrutinize it you’ll really

start to fuck it up but how do you practice it

you know i’ll

listen to them on headphones and if i don’t hear my

voice anymore that means i’ve

matched it whoa

it means i’ve mashed it

like the morgan freeman i

started working on in eighth grade

well now hold on joe rogan

let me get to that

let’s see here

there’s a fellow

named morgan freeman

and i started working on the

impression when i was in the eighth

grade yes sir

i was about 14 years old

jerked off seven times a day

dude that is creepy

and it took me forever

what happened

and the way

i finally perfected it when i was like 22

i saw ben affleck on

dave letterman and he was doing a

morgan freeman

impression but it was horrible

but he was doing one

thing i wasn’t doing

right is that

thing it’s all in here

he was adding that but

everything else was

wrong and i

married the two and i was talking like

morgan freeman

all day i was calling restaurants but i’d like to get a

table for two please

and they were like okay mr

freeman i was testing it out and i was like oh my god

this is amazing

so when i nail and i’ve been working on tom

hanks for years and i

still can’t get it there’s something

but he’s one of

those like iced like

morgan freeman everybody knows who he is but

nobody doesn’t

you know yeah and it’s somewhere in here i

found that i can yeah

i can go back and forth with it but it’s it’s

you’re missing a little yeah it’s

missing i’m

game show hosty with it

right now but it’s like

hahaha there’s

there’s world war two tom

hanks who’s very solemn and talks

about world war two

but then there’s you know i’m

conan o’brien

sounds like the

shape of your head is wrong

but i can’t make that noise

no i think that is i

think that has a lot to do with


there’s certain

impressions that i can do that

other people can’t do

right i think it’s the

shape of my face there’s ways to

manipulate your throat

i mean i can tell

definitely you know you can move

contort your mouth like biggie smalls i

started working on that impression one time too

and i found out i could sound like a fat guy

but it’s like you can contort your mouth

he’s a little too

much love ralphie

if you listening

you know we love you

he’s like cartman on us and the

obama alfie

smokes more

weed than any of us oh dude did you hear the

story about him getting caught

up there that was

so brilliant he’s like

my man is bringing weed

across the world yeah that’s

great that’s

risky don’t you know anybody there

you know i would i

would much rather try to find a kinect

you can find a kinect

man trust me

you’re gonna be okay

they’re growing that

shit like crazy out there

big time and

it probably goes well yeah it’s a cash crop son

get it number one cash crop in

hawaii and they’re trying to eradicate it all the time

today by the way proposition 19

today it all goes down how’s it looking as you

may have been

checking the

their description

post is keeping a

latest news it’s

52 7 if it loses it will mark

how oppressed we

truly are i don’t

think it’s gonna pass

i don’t think

really it’s

gonna be like the gay vote

we all thought that was

gonna pass you know and i’m just

basing it on there has even been advertising there’s

not been some big push for it it’s it seems like it’s

definitely you know and then there’s a lot of people

against it a lot of the growers obviously because who

benefits during prohibition that’s the problem

you know there’s a lot of the medical people are

against it right

i don’t know man i

think it’s evolution i

understand their position i feel bad for

doctors that have been prescribing weed if it becomes

legal then all of a

sudden hey where’s my business

i’m making all my

money sticking my neck out there prescribing weed

now i gotta

go back to giving kids band aids what the fuck man

you know it’s tough

maybe it will

lower the cost of

health care because they all have to go be doctors

again and there’s more doctors

how does that benefit that doctor just lost a job

brian this is illogical

yeah i think

you know they just

need to figure out another way to become a part of the

system so they’re selling it man how

many of them fucking dispensary and you know what’s

funny on the

other side of the cops

are you know obviously they

want it to be illegal so they don’t have to deal with

this i mean it’s

everybody knows it

should be it’s this

political suicide of fuck

about potheads they know potheads they know potheads

right harmless

they’re worried

about meth heads

right fucking junkies and drunks

had to cops

worried about the worry

about violent people

it just takes somebody to actually do something i don’t

think anybody did and nobody’s

gonna commit

political suicide this year

that’s what we need

with somebody huge the president somebody to say but i

understand why they can’t they just can’t

i don’t know what happens when you get an office but

clearly someone sits you down and adjust your agenda

obama before he was in office

you know yes i inhaled you

could say it because it was the point sure

you doing obama well

it’s time for lead i

take pauses

between every word i say

so the stupid people can

understand me

no did you do you smell son

in college sir

i did did you inhale

i took bong

rips out of a homemade bong

and i blew them and to everybody on the floor’s mouth

we got high

supplies the site

he talked about it you know openly and

when he was campaign there

is something they set you down it’s like the men in

black thing they go

something get

your agenda

man because

it’s it is it’s

it’s a head it’s a figure you’re not

you know but

who is pulling the strings then

is there a one person is there a committee is there

is there a society

yeah man you fucking if you just read

about the illuminati and listen

to alex jones you would know

who there’s

gotta be there’s

gotta be a one it’s

gotta come it’s

gotta come down it’s

gotta be well or

group it’s definitely well

right right it’s international bankers

right cause it’s like yeah it’s

gotta be international

cause back in america’s fan of like carnegie’s and all

them they’d get together and be like it’s our country

dude i’m reading this max

ty eb article

that’s in rolling stone

god damn it and come hold on i’m

gonna stop that shit i’ll be

right back all right

everyone’s ears

hey so they went away uh cool let’s turn this back on

so yeah

i’m getting hungry dude dude i’m hungry this coconut

water is delicious yeah

you actually believe in

crazy dream

stuff yeah we have talked about this before where he

sat me down was telling his theories he reads all

these books on what kind of dreaming is that called

again lucid dreaming lucid dreaming

vacuum cleaner unit

it’s screaming

he’s letting me know it’s

dying what were we talking

about before i took off because it was interesting um

smoking or the people who run the country who runs

the country who the fuck do you

think runs it it’s not the voters what do you

think happens when you get into office do you

think they actually

bill hickstyle

sit you down and

show you an

angle of the

kennedy assassination that no one’s ever seen before

sit in a room with that what did he say a

bunch of smoky industrialists yeah

you know what questions

yeah well what’s my agenda

doesn’t it seem like there

kinda is though it’s like think

about like the

skull and bones that you know

like these real real

upper echelon kind of

societies that you can

never belong to in your privity information that nobody

because that’s

the most likely scenario

that these elite colleges and

keep this group of people in

power you talk

about people that have been the

skull and bones from college i mean it was john kerry

it was bush

there’s been a

bunch of different people

they’re groomed for this from freemasons

get go and it’s like you know

obama not necessarily

not really wasn’t but was if you were

going to harvard

it’s not out of the question to become president it’s a

seven percent acceptance rate

there it’s i think

everybody who becomes president always wanted to be

absolutely it didn’t just

occur to you someday

it’s the ultimate political rockstar

that’s what it is even john kerry was doing that’s why

he went to vietnam i mean at

least he went but that’s why he went he’s like i’m

gonna be president

so i could be a hero and get

pictures taken

yeah how ruthless is that

and go to war

and say i am a veteran

i fought for my country

claps and cheers yeah he didn’t need to go

you know what i mean wow

yeah he was

definitely in college at the time

dudes like bush

like oh my back hurts

i think that’s smart man

as i’ve gotten older

my opinion of bush has

changed over and over i

was changing i used to

think that bush was this fucking

monster and this

ignorant piece of shit

you know thrust into

this scenario to kind of

lower our standards and make everybody

think that mediocre is good

and you can invent words and

it’s okay to talk about god

and then i realized that this is just a dude with a job

you see the relationship with dick

cheney and him

i don’t think

number one i think he’s probably one of the most fun

of all presidents you can hang out with dude

you know in my opinion of him changed

when that guy threw his

shoes at him in iraq

oh yeah yeah that’s when i started looking at him

when he ducked the shoe and smiled

and ducked the shoe and smiled

again he’s like

i’m like this ain’t no ruthless murderer

you see some fucking dude who’s just got a job and i

never thought that of him in the same

thing that bothers me when people shit on

obama for saying like oh he reads a teleprompter

you know how many

speeches he gives a day

yeah that is the dumb

oh he’s got notes

what the fuck

he’s prepared

you’re upset that he’s

prepared you want to do a good yeah and it’s the same

thing when people say

that george w bush is dumb i can promise you this he

would bury me in a political debate

he would no shit no he

wouldn’t no he

wouldn’t maybe not

about policy

no but not about anything stop it listen

you’re a hundred

times smarter than that guy

yes for sure that

was something brought

in he was brought in

to represent the common folk the same way sure they

they enabled the

the conservatives to really

gain control this country by embracing the christian

right right

when the reagan administration came in line

that was the

first time when they really went out of

their way to embrace religion oh yeah

go go go to the christians yet

the the really zeal

it christian

was no religious guy they never did

that before

the moonies are doing this all

these other

motherfuckers doing this they’re running

they’re making millions of dollars from

these morons

let’s just tap into this shit

and we’ll use this as

gonna be a big part of our platform

this will separate us from everybody else make us more

righteous it’s amazing it’s

especially with

reagan it’s like the conservatives always talk

about too it’s like oh hollywood

liberals and

their actors and all that it’s like

the ones they

champion the most are actors right

ronald reagan

you know fred

thompson it’s so

crazy that you would

allow a guy who’s an

expert at lying and pretending

to be the guy who’s supposed to tell you the

truth and a divorcee

that’s yeah that’s a

chick that’s a chicken being

guarded by wolves that’s

the most ridiculous

thing ever you

getting a guy who’s the best faker ever yeah

and he’s the one who’s

gonna deliver the truth

what i shot a

thing recently

at the republican headquarters

here and it was amazing to be in there and it’s all

pictures of ronald reagan as far as the eyes can see

which is understandable but i’m just like

didn’t you guys remember bush

41 and bush

43 they both were presidents too

no pictures at all they’re like no no

brian brian go on youtube and find

ronald reagan’s speech

where he talks

about aliens

have you been a speech

that is one of the trippiest

speeches of president has ever given

to people talking

about the intergalactic

he talked about if we

how quickly we

would abandon all of our

troubles with each

other if we were being attacked by

aliens from another planet oh wow

the fucking president was talking about this

jesus i mean he was making a

point clearly that you know

we would be united as one

you think we

would you think we

would for sure we were you

think we’d go after each

other no we

would not we would not

if there was

if there was

aliens the only problem is if the

aliens got to like you know

some douchebags i don’t

wanna mention any names and there’s been

some douchebag

countries right

like listen

just come with us we’ll give you fucking flying

saucers to sell out

these other cunts

right now and then they

would go over and say listen we’ve made

peace with the

aliens the aliens

are friends we just come over here we’ll show you

where they are

and boom you’re in a cage

they’re definitely hostile

if they’re coming

maybe well we are

you know we’re hostile to

everything and like we talked

about the east

coast the west

coast and survival that it is and

you know just the what

the massive change has happened

in this country it’s all been because of negative shit

all this massive

change a lot of it is because of negativity i

feel like something in our lifetime is

gonna happen like bigfoot’s

gonna get found

like something cool like that some

legend some

legend is gonna

get dispelled or some

legend is gonna get proven true

well you know there’s

the craziest theory

about your life

is that your life really what it actually is is as

the world gets crazier

and as more

chaos ensues and you

worry about extinction you

worry about

some sort of

a cataclysmic disaster that wipes out the race

what you’re really

realizing is that you’re dying

and that your own

world this universe that you have created is slowly

starting to fall

apart the seems because your life is

starting to end

and this whole life

of history and

space it’s all an illusion

and it’s all something that’s

been created by your imagination and as it plays out

as it becomes more and more

ridiculous and catastrophic and

as it ends that’s as your life ends wow

that’s an interesting

point to think of that way

just as possible as

you are one being and there’s a billion

other beings and they’re all in this one rock and

all this one galaxy and

i mean that’s

crazy as itself

in and of itself it’s all

crazy it makes

sense and it makes

you just realize sometimes too just a silliness like

sometimes you almost just want to sit down and just

laugh at the

silly shit that we do

oh my god why do i care

like i can detach

myself from something really quickly

through that you

know and that’s what kind of like buddhism is always

about like just detaching from it not giving a shit

you know what i mean it’s like if it doesn’t

affect you like

death does not

scare me it’s like man it’s gonna come

suffering fucking sucks yeah

suffering sucks being injured sucks being

you know being in pain sucks but yeah

death is like

sleep right losing someone sucks

someone’s sucks

but it’s like everybody’s biggest fear is

death and it’s like if it ain’t getting

and even if it is your biggest fear and

it happens then what

but then what happens i always talk

about how one of the trippiest

things in this life is that everyone likes to

sleep but no one wants to die

you know when

you’re looking forward to

going away you’re looking

forward to shutting off you know

right looking

forward to the relief

that you get from turning your body off and recovering

right that’s some pretty

crazy shit man yeah dude

it’s the same kind of

effect that the dmts released during

dream state that supposedly

right it’s all

anecdotal evidence but that’s what they believe happens

but all i know is

i don’t give a fuck

about i love it i love

going to sleep

here we go i don’t

think about the fact that i’m

gonna disappear for

eight hours and

i’m just gonna

trust that the world

doesn’t fall

apart the seams and

explode while i’m


it’d be cool to be able to hibernate

dude bears don’t

really hibernate you know that they’re always still

semicontinent blissful

kinda just relaxation they just don’t do much

they just kinda like go fuck this sucks yeah i

guess they could

still get up and fuck you up man

yeah cause there are

bear attacks in the winter

right that’s

crazy yeah well the real

scary thing

about the bear attacks in the winter is there

most of the time

bears trying to eat you

because they’re

starving to death

that’s how grizzly man died

that crazy asshole that

was living up in alaska with all those

bears yeah you

heard the tape have you seen the

video i haven’t heard the

tape the death tape

there’s a death tape

isn’t there a death tape

i don’t think

there’s not one yet they

wanted to get

it but it was what it was is the camera was running

there was only

audio right and

bernard herzog the director listens to it on camera

you see him listening

to that’s what they should

they don’t actually

play it at all

it was like

six minutes long there

did they show that guy on that i survived who got

basically eaten and mauled

by a bear and survived it the bear was shitting on him

peeing on him

like treating him like his kill it was so

nasty that’s so scary

how did you get

out of that

there was a threat

you just got sick of

reagan show

this world rewind

from the beginning

their species

rewind it by

suddenly there was a threat to this

world from some

other species

from another planet

outside in the universe

we’d forget all the little

local differences that we have

between our countries

the united nations

perhaps we need some outside universal threat

to make us recognize this common bound

i occasionally

think how quickly

our differences worldwide

would vanish

if we were facing an

alien threat

from outside this world

wow so true

space is filled with warriors

yeah just flying

other countries jacking people

i’d like to

think that we

galvanize and

annie up and i’ll get together

like in science do you think so

well i think we

would to attack the

aliens but do you

think that any species ever gets to a

point where it

doesn’t fuck with the weaker species it’s hard to

think that a mass

collectiveness of

fight or flight

would happen i

think most would fly

most people just go hide and be scared

no no no no what i’m saying is do you

think that alien life

in all all galaxies and all whatever wherever exists

wherever it

exists intelligent life do you

think it always fucks

with whatever is weaker than it does that just help

things become

strong yeah i

think so i think that’s nature

right that’s just dominant survival so

they came here they

would have to fuck with us

they would have to fuck with us now the

thing i don’t quite

understand is why everybody gives them credit

for being so

smart if they came here you know

cause they can

come in they

can get here but

what if we can get to

where they’re at

well we can’t

we’re getting closer

we are getting closer

but more water on the moon

but but yeah they found

more water yeah

a lot more than they

thought yeah

there’s also the idea that they

could use that as like the moon as a refueling stations

something up there

and they use that like as a launch because it’s 260 000

miles out it

doesn’t have the same kind of gravity

right so they

could start launching shit from the moon but

you know you have to

prove to me that you can survive in deep

space for a long period of time that people are

going to willing to take be

willing to take that chance

yeah this is like

the mars project

and there’s another thing that

they’ve been concentrating on this idea of 100 year

spaceship a

spaceship that can exist and

has enough fuel to run a hundred years

and survive to

colonize galaxy

that’s like a project that’s currently in development

that kind of

stuff like you know

fuck man that’s some deep shit like if they really

a hundred years

spaceship and

that’s possible

yeah but that

would suck like being on the hundred year

spaceship and then like a

couple years there they made like the two hundred year

spaceship and

man i would be on the two hundred year

spaceship so my kids

could live longer too

oh yeah but

change it i

think you have

a hundred years to get somewhere and if you can’t get

there in a hundred years you’re fucked but the thing is

how do they keep enough food

how big is this goddamn spaceship

are they growing

their own food like that

yeah you’d have to do something you’d have

to grow your own food and what kind of

power would you be able to use nuclear

power you have to use nuclear

power how the fuck else

could you what

if everybody got radiation sickness and shit

or you just by the time

you got there were you communicating with

shit three eyed

motherfuckers with

six arms and shit everybody was a mutant

while the radiation because they

never done long term exposure studies they had a

we haven’t take a chance

i’d sign up for that ship

yeah i always

think when people

think that maybe this if this is the last

generation or if the mayan calendar persecure

something like that i feel pretty damn

honored to be on the last

part of the last

generation again that

could just be

the end of your life man yeah exactly i manufacture

so it does that

mean that you’re a character in my life seems like it

through your eyes i’m or

am i in yours well

maybe we’re all both

maybe it’s both maybe it’s

maybe there’s no tangibility to life

maybe it’s ether

oh maybe it

exists in both ways maybe

you’re just

a part of my imagination and i’m a part of yours

like that’d be

crazy if you made up all this the

earth the atmosphere you made it all it’s not

that you made it up that

it almost exists

as a part of your program

well that’s what we’re talking about

earlier lucid

dreaming like the ability to wake up during your

dreams until you do that

right done and i

can’t say i do it

often it’s hard i’ve only done it once

or twice by accident and because i saw a

movie where a guy had a technique

where in real life

every time he’d walk through a door he

would knock

on a door he would

knock on the door and go am i

dreaming yeah

that’s the that’s the

trick that i

did it once in a

in a dream that stephen

dr steven and

burge is when i’d read all

these books

about it quite by accident one day but i

started reading

it was fascinating because he did it at stanford

and taught all

these kids to do it and

to the point

where they were so good at it they were developing

skills in their

dreams they

could do it at will

it’s basically

like laying down in bed and saying here’s what i’m

gonna dream

about tonight

it’s like a

meditation practice

you can do it two ways you can wake yourself up in a

dream or you can just

enter it straight in

and that takes extreme concentration like

focus focus focus but

you know in it it’s like you

start to realize how fascinating your brain is

cause you’ll

completely reproduce something to a tea like you

like i fucking made that that’s my thought i’m walking

how many times have you done this

i’ve done it probably like five times in my life it was

it’s hard and the problem is it’s like if you

smoke pot you don’t get true rem

sleep like a lot of people like you know don’t

you don’t seem to

you don’t have

potheads don’t seem to remember

dreams as well some are different

maybe it’s a different kind you’re smoking

is that true

if you inhibit your your

your brain at all with alcohol anything you’re

gonna have a harder time

dreaming pot stops me from dreaming

google that see i don’t kills dreaming

but i don’t know but i know that the times i’ve

the best time

to have them they say is in the morning wake

yourself up like at six in the morning and go back to

sleep yeah like

thompson you

get them that’s when you can get them

for the novice

they say and i’ve only

had a few but they’re amazing it’s like you manufacture

this world you can fly

the thing that you tend to do

which i do is you go around

punching people because you can’t

it’s just amazing but your

brain is as real as you and i are right now

and if you just there’s

focus and techniques

thing like you can use on youtube and stuff

they’ll show you how to do it

well what i

should explain what i was talking

about before just

the knock on the door yeah the guy said

knock on the

door in real life when you walk through your

house knock on the door and go

am i dreaming

right and then

obviously you walk through it you’re not

dreaming but

you feel the

knock and that’s

how you know you’re not

dreaming well

i did this for a couple days and then i was in a

dream and i went

am i dreaming

oh my god i’m

dreaming right

my hand just went

right through the door right

i was like whoa

and so then i open up the door and the door was like

the edge of a

cliff yeah and there was like

clouds and shit i just

started flying wow isn’t this shit the dope is fucking

it for like thirty

seconds and it

cause i was going

holy shit i can’t believe i’m

dreaming yeah

how am i doing i’m awake they

say that it that’s what happens the

first time is

you’re so overwhelmed by it you’re like shot my load my

pants yeah it

was like oh

my pants off

that’s what happened i was like really

gonna have sex yeah oh fuck

but it’s like if you practice it enough it’s just like

meditation you can get good at it

apparently i just forget to practice it cause i just

crash half the time

well you know you asked me

about the isolation tank that’s got to look into

fuck all that i

dream yeah because the isolation tank is lucid

dreaming in ten minutes guaranteed yeah

right guaranteed

every time you’re

gonna go somewhere

oh that’s awesome and the more

you the more you

relax the more you get

good at it and the more you get good out of the deep

you can go and the

weirder things get

my dad always told me

about it as a kid he did it a lot in the air force

what do you live

what part of la we

don’t have now

it’s a place in burbank

it’s called soothing solutions it’s really good and

they have these tanks and you rent

them by the hour and you get

totally worth it man

so let’s try it it’s the same temperature as your body

so you can’t feel your body

right you don’t feel your body

you just feel the water

when you get into it and the

water is filled with 800 pounds of salt so you float

alright and then once you relax

you’re floating in that

water and you don’t hear anything

you don’t see anything you have no sensory input

there’s another

place in venice called the

float lab that’s awesome

he’s the guy who

built my latest tank the

state of the art guy if you go to fulltlab com he’s got

all his lab

like he’s got all of his

tanks and the design like it’s all

stainless steel and shit his

stuff is like real high tech like top of the line oh

wow it’s basically the same

amount of money as the

other tanks on the

market right

he charges the same amount

but they’re

fucking infinitely superior there

how long can you

can you stay in

those i go in there for

hours really

hours yeah it’s just like extreme

meditation it’s just

space travel dude i have a

spaceship and

the things that i’ve seen

the shit that i see on a regular basis in there

most people don’t ever

experience their

whole life and i

experience it several times a week

which the cool

thing is because

the body if you’re not physically there it’s

still a real experience

you know what i mean it’s that you

still your mind is still

learning experience

yes if it were real yes because

you’re untethered from your body

so your body and

you don’t get any

input from your body so your mind is free to just

explore any idea

and manifest and visualize

these ideas

right you know your imagination when it’s not

harness or not like being controlled by the body

you know or being

hampered down by the body your imagination like creates

worlds oh yeah

you know we don’t fucking

know exactly what

thinking and imagination

truly is yeah we’re not tapped

what is imagination the ability to create in your mind

i mean that seems to me

to be some sort of a driving

force in the universe

if you look at what the idea of imagination

the idea of creation it manifests itself in a

bunch of different things

it manifests itself in art

and it manifests itself in inventions and it

manifests things that

improve your life and keep people healthy and

keep people

alive longer

so they figure

things out more so they come up with better ideas

these are all products of the imagination

everything from

science to vitamins

these are products

that someone went

i think i can

get that shit out of there and put it in a pill

that’s the imagination that’s

the mind trying to be curious and figure this shit out

i mean it’s like a driving

force of the universe and it’s kind of

like an all

ubiquitous force too

cause it’s like sometimes

inventions are

being thought of at the same time yeah sure

like the wright brothers you know they were working on

thing but there

was that guy over in england who had his

thing he was working on they were racing each other

i mean flight

was inevitable you knew it was perfect perfect example

what you saying

earlier that cell

phones if you had them in the past people would

think of them like you were a witch

i’ve said that so many times

perfect example

but it’s two people looking something both of them are

going well what

is going on here and then

both people come to some sort of the same

conclusion when they figured out

radio it was the same

thing there was a

bunch of people that figured out the radio

it was marconi

there was a

bunch of different guys

who were working on

the same situation

and then every now and then you get a guy like

nikola tesla

that’s so fucking far out there

no one thought of any of the shit that he came up with

and you look at his

stuff you’re like what the

fuck is this dude on that da vinci

they had da

vinci up at the getty

and i went and looked at

his scribblings just like he

literally you

know the helicopter all that shit the

guy was so bloody

genius brilliant like his

sketches were just like i cannot believe somebody was

thinking this advance dude

ever but this wasn’t even like the 1400s

somebody made a threat

about it on the rogan

board saying

what was it

could you imagine

this is the guy said

if you lived in a

world where everyone else had down

syndrome no man

he was like

that’s what it must have been like to be da vinci

we’ve lived in the 1400s creating helicopters machines

bisecting the

human body what

diagramming into a tee

and your neighbors just some retard just like what

saith you sir

yeah he’s fucking a sheep

and he probably and he’s probably one of

those guys like i can’t

believe it’s the fucking fourteen hundreds i can’t

wait i’m not

gonna be here

right time travel

yeah big time dude

i think there are time

i i think there is

going to be time

traveling good we can do that shit

yes there will be but there hasn’t been

that’s why no there hasn’t been

and then when it does happen it’s like i said it’s

gonna make everything null and

boys gonna break the

whole package

did you know they filmed

back to the future they filmed like half the

movie with eric stoltz

as the role of

marty and then

and like they just

weren’t feeling it they had to go back

and re film the

whole movie from the

start there a

month michael j fox

michael j fair a

month in with

salts and they just released

recently because they just came out on dvd yeah it’s

on the dvd said i’ve seen it before because i remember

saying the eric stolts footage and just like do

that ain’t right

it’s not right is that

right it’s just not good

rocky dennis is

back to the future

eric stoltz

it’s probably what all fell

apart for him

and you know what that’s that’s the

thing it’s like what he do

some kind of wonderful

and then bit parts here and there fiction was the best

pulp fiction

is was the apex of his career

was he in killing zoe

yes yeah yeah that’s one of my favorite

movies that’s that’s a good goddamn

he was a good act

there’s guys

like him like matt modine like what happening

those guys like matt

modine yeah matt modine well

imagine quest

yeah that guy was awesome vision

quest is a great goddamn

movie yeah dude he’s

gonna wrestle

for state he’s got the heat suit on that are banned now

it’s a good fucking

movie that’s a good fucking

movie i love matt modine and

the hot chick what the fuck was her name

in that movie

oh god damn that

bitch is pretty god she was what is her name

who has envisioned

quest thank you

six it’s not diane lane was it

no i don’t think that was diane

lane look it up you need can you

imdb it should be a vision

quest like see

this is the beauty

of the internet man

this is the

everything brian cast

he writes asshole in everything every quest really yeah

every time he does an internet search

he’ll add finger butthole

just to live it up what the photos are

only has an asshole

who is the chick i’m still

looking linda florentino

damn nobody

heard of her anymore linda

furiantino she was hot as fuck yeah

remember how pretty she was she was remember phoebe

kate she was hot

phoebe kates the fast times

the dudes in the bathroom

yeah and she walked in caught him with

his dick in his hand she just kind of went away too

yeah well she got

pregnant i think and had some

shit so she’s

married to the actor

mmm greg kineer with the

other one it’s kind of like i’m trying to climb

yeah i think she’s married to kevin klein kevin this

is jonathan taylor oh kevin klein i

think a different kevin shit we’re talking

wow god damn it

but if she’s still

linda tarantino yeah she’s still

she kind of looks like she got

smushed against a wall on her imdb

see how like it looks like she just got

i hope she didn’t she still pretty as fuck yeah

that would suck

what about laura flynn boyle she’s

weighs 18 pounds

i saw her in a photo

she’s walking on the

beach and she looked like like like she was from

kenya i saw she was a

stick figure

i saw her maybe a couple years ago and she just

married some guy and she’s like this is my new

husband his poor guy just like a regular fell out of

texas like an accountant

mike has no idea

of course he’s like yeah i’m

gonna marry

a movie star sure

she’s a good

woman just trying to keep it together yeah

oh man i’ve seen

those before

there’s nothing sadder than a dude who’s on a ride he

doesn’t understand

so true that’s so true

regular civilian ones are

marrying some

crazy movie star shit

so fuck jack

nichols said old decent

texas fella too

good luck oh i know

good luck with all your fucking country

logic stupid

this shit ain’t

gonna work out i’ll change him

what has been the

weirdest thing

about coming here

and you know

starting out

you know doing all the you

know working for the comedy

store and doing all

that shit and then eventually winding up on television

starting to make

money what’s been the

weirdest part

about it to you

i think it’s

the weirdest part is

for me it’s

like the distance put in between

some of your peers

that you started with

cause there’s this idea that comedies like

freshman football

i’ve been at it long enough i

should get my shot but it’s

bullshit some guys just haven’t

yeah there’s a

wild sense of that you’re

not good there’s a you know you’re just resentment

among some guys that don’t become

successful about

people who are and

it’s really something sad too because it’s it’s one of

these things

where it’s like you know we

started off ten years ago a

bunch of us together me caperola

ren is easy

and it worked

for some of us and for some it didn’t and it

doesn’t mean that it’s

owed to you because

like i said it’s like it

it’s really

hard even if you’re really good it’s really hard

and you’re not

hollywood doesn’t owe anybody anything not a damn

thing and it didn’t ask you to come here and it

doesn’t tell you when to

leave but you got to know

you know there’s some people like

you’ll get it at the comedy

store like guys be like oh man screw the

store i don’t get spots there but it’s like tell me the

other clubs that are giving you spots they can

never name one

you know and if they do it’s some hole in the wall

yeah but if it’s like

a comedy is the most justified art form

and you know there’s enough

the audience is

right there to tell you whether you’re any good

when i lived in boston it was a

shocking when guys

would go somewhere and like get sitcoms or be in movies

you know what the

local headliners would go

it’s a fucking middle

act because this guy’s a middle act and he’s in a movie

like to them

it’s like they didn’t get theirs

right that was a big attitude amongst boston guys

on especially

after steven wright hit

is a great documentary

about boston

i forget what it’s called

fucking shit

boston comedy

we look up documentary on big

scene before the

laughter died some i don’t know the fucking same

boston and common

thing there fantastic

scene with the problem was the all the headliners

that were the main part of the movement

in like the 70s and the 80s

especially the 80s all the guys who were like

literally the most talented comedians in the country

they stayed in boston

and they just burnt out they did coke and they fucking

party they all

owed the irs

million dollars

and they were fucking savages

and they didn’t

write they didn’t

write a lot of new material but

back then in

those days i

would put them up

against any

comic ever so people that’s what i’ve

heard before i would

put don gavin up

against any

comic i’ve ever seen ever as far as

craftsmanship skill

delivery timing confidence

passion and

not even passionate i should say

just his charisma on stage

his ability to just

get you to laugh at

just the perfectly timed joke

they just a killer they don’t like to

leave the neighborhood

well they got rich there

i mean when you’re making you know

several thousand dollars a week doing comedy in boston

well so you’re

gonna go on the road and you’re

gonna make one fourth that and people are gonna not

come out to see you you know you’re doing the

punch line atlanta

they don’t know who the fuck you are so

there’s half full

crowds and they don’t care

about boston

so they don’t want to hear all your boston jokes

which are your best jokes

right you know there’s a lot of guys

that have all this boston centric material in boston

and they will

crush with it they will

rush with it

but if you go to virginia they don’t give a fuck

about what they want to talk

about dennis

leary in that scene like

who came out yeah he

was in the scene he kind of got out of

scene pretty

quick though he got out of the

scene with his

mtv shit and then with

his first special

where he got all the

comparisons to hicks sure

where everybody was

going stealing hicks material yeah i’ve seen those

different ones

and in their entirety

yeah they’re interesting

very interesting

yeah pretty obvious

real obvious yeah he was a hack

from the beginning

it’s really sad it’s like you know

but he’s a guy that just was real

super ambitious just wanted to make it and this is his

thing he found this

thing he created

crafted this character

and then all of a sudden

he needed some material to go

along with it so he

just kind of copied whatever

other people said that was cool and

reworked it it

was very obvious i see that happen with some guys

especially who have been

just for a few

short years and

they’ll get an opportunity i’ll see

those guys do that

for just to survive

it’s one of

the biggest problems with a guy like minstelia

minstalia and

there’s a few

other guys in town you know

where they are

and there’s a few guys that are doing

well and they’re doing well by doing just that and it’s

blatantly obvious to

young kids coming up

so instead of like when i

started out in boston i mean

you were you were like ostracized if you were a

thief you were

you were a hack you were

your point and

there was mistakes

and sometimes people come up with jokes they don’t even

know that somebody else said it i’ve seen it before

there’s mistakes and then there’s

people forget that they

heard a joke before

there’s all sorts of shit that

people have parallel

thinking that’s possible too

but there comes a

point in time when you watch in dudes

where you know they’ve seen someone before

and you know

oh ho he’s just doing this and reworking it and

changing it making it this way

right because there’s such a specific like

you know the thing

obviously with the

carlos thing that bill cosby

thing it’s like that

so that’s not common

thinking my god that’s

he’s a sociopath

there’s something

that dude’s got a

disconnect you

gotta be you hear him on the mark marin

podcast yeah i

heard that oh

god and i’m

good for mark for having him back the same

you know what i don’t feel good

about that i feel like i did

was gross yeah that’s why he said

that he was embarrassed

by how gross

sound balls yeah

wasn’t just softballs it was like

he was like saying well you got there through comedy at

least you did

it to come i don’t know what the fuck that means

you’re a real comedian

what does that

mean you like comedy

it’s like come on you know what is the

thing is he has this

thing for people who’ve made it through comedy

you know he

thinks that’s the

right way all

these other people have sold out man

man you didn’t do it the

right way it’s like good luck the

grossest thing

about the marathon

was that he

thought that

the video that brian and i made

he said i think it

should have been handled through the community

that’s what

he said yes oh yeah that’s right that we

could have been handled somewhere like how has it ever

been handled through the community ever name one time

they don’t give a fuck

that was the

whole purpose for the

whole thing

the community didn’t give a fuck

they all knew he was

stealing everyone from comedy central knew he was

stealing everybody that worked on the set on that show

i knew writers they all knew he was

stealing this was not

no one was stopping this

and then marin

says this and then he goes and has him on for fucking

three hours talking

about it yeah

oh it should have been

handled into

the community inside the community you just talked

about it for

three hours on

a podcast that was broadcasting

to the community our

video was 10 minutes long mark

exactly i remember

it’s just but he’s one of

those dudes marin is one of

those i remember that

night and god damn if that

didn’t really expose him if that didn’t that was it

oh it worked it did work

it straightened

out it straightened

out a real problem it was amazing to

see marin’s

comparisons were so

ridiculous because he was like you know he’s talking

about parallel

thinking or guys

sounding like guys that’s yes

those are obviously

those are very real circumstances it happens

amongst comics i mean i

found myself many times in my career

sounding like

other comedians that i admired

but there’s a big difference between that it’s

ganking people’s shit

we’re all on

see it was doing it blatantly in

front of everybody all the time i mean it’s

it’s done for him he’s a pariah

right yes he is what he is

his audience has been reduced to what it

should have been in the

first place

people without an internet

connection and

people who are so

stupid they don’t care

if you’re full of

shit what what kind of

what kind of

what does he look at is he’s doing theaters

how is he doing

good i’m sure he’s making a living

you know look there’s plenty of retards out there bro

you know you

get back on tv

nascar is huge

and you know

i mean i’m not saying there’s anything

wrong with fast cars

right no they’re pretty fucking cool i

would love to

know i even

wouldn’t even

mind going to see one lot

but if you’re a look in the audience and nascar yeah

there’s people out there man

and there’s a lot of them yeah and they’re fucking

dumb yeah you ever see those

sarah palin

book signing lines oh yeah

the looks on them riced yeah

christ the tea bag of rally

looks on the

it’s like you hate to lump

people in say but it’s like come on there’s so many of

them let’s talk

about that we live in a nerfed society

we live in a society that makes it real easy for

these pussies to get by yeah

and they just turned out

dumb and simple

and they want to be around

other dumb simple people they want to

fight everybody

you disagree

i’ll tell you it’s on this land

well my grandfather died

fighting for this man

shut and fuck i have kids and you

just look at the kids you’re like there’s no fucking

blood clot for

progress you cunt you dumb fuck and that’s

the problem with voting the problem with voting is

there’s at least

as many of them as there are people that are sensible

and there’s a lot of people

that are sensible that are barely keeping it together

the stress of

modern day society is too much for the fucking

mortal body

people’s bodies are not meant for fucking four hours

every day in traffic and bullshit

and fucking stress at work because you

have to pretend to be someone that you’re not because

you want to keep your job

so you have to listen to this fucking cuntbag

stupid retard boss

the only reason he’s in there because he

married the fucking boss’s

daughter and

holy shit you’re losing your marbles bro

and you start falling

apart at the seams

you can vote too

yeah you can vote too

you don’t have your brain in

order you’re not making good decisions your

whole life’s a goddamn mess

what we got a problem here

these goddamn

liberals want to take my taxes

that’s not the problem we got a bigger problem

way much bigger problem

we are moving in a direction

and no one has analyzed the direction we’re just

going it’s just amazing when

those people though that they

think if you make less than two

hundred thousand dollars a year you’re not republican

i hate to tell you but you’re just not

yeah you’re

not a real one you don’t know what you’re doing you

don’t know what you’re doing and you’re not servicing a

party that’s made for

you isn’t it amazing that they’ve managed to connect

like being like

good folk and being like good god

guns and government

they’ve managed

to connect all that together with big business that

doesn’t give a fuck

about you or the environment

like they’ve managed to

connect hunting and fishing like bush

would always be hunting and you know fucking the famous

thing where dick

cheney shot his friend

in the face

yeah you know and

sarah penguins always

shooting i kill

all the conservatives all the ones who want to let

these fucking raping companies

just continue

these monsantos and fucking


continue to fucking

just crush across the world yeah

these are the hunters and they get they get the people

like that like the palins and this it’s cool it’s chic

now and especially in this election

to be dumb yeah to not know anything

ignorance is now celebrated

in politics

elitism is poo pooed in shadow

now he went to an ivy league

school that’s a good thing

that’s a good

thing when you go to an ivy league

school yeah he

doesn’t understand us yeah he doesn’t

understand us regular

folks no regular

folks should

people i start out on my dad’s farm

whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa

what books have you read

right why the fuck are you

gonna be the leader

right right

what is exceptional

about your philosophy yeah

we’re getting

people that are just good talkers that’s all we require

right which

required him to be

able to talk good in public and look like someone who

could be leader the president

should be the

smartest person in the room

right but is that possible

i don’t think that the whole

world needs leaders

i think that the way we

exist right now we

exist in the same manner that they

existed when there was

500 monkey people to a group

and they all had to

fight off the coming tribes

the tribes that

would come and try to

steal their shit

and they all had to rely on the baddest

motherfucker who’s the guy who’s

been around the longest years ago knows how to escape

he knows the

trails he knows

where the food is in the woods he knows the best

places to hide

you know i think the president

should be miss america

every year we get to look at it hot you sexy president

that’d be awesome

like the president gives

speeches and like fucking swimsuits and

stuff that would be

and you know it’s hard to tell too it’s like

think about this like

obama he’s only been in two years and it’s like

you know and he did make a good

point on john stewart

show he’s like i didn’t guarantee this shit overnight

well and here’s the

thing can it be fixed

doesn’t it seem like it’s

built on a foundation of

unfixable shit

it seems like

our stock market this taibi

article that i was reading

about stock market

when he was talking

about how many companies

are betting against b

that there’s like this gigantic derivatives market

where people get to gamble on whether or not

someone defaults on

their loans

and gamble whether or not a company can

succeed and repay loans

and there’s like this

shadow economy that’s

based on all that

mind fuck that is dude what i’ve always said

about this is if they can rip off accountants

how crazy is this

shit how crazy is this shit for real

about you and i who know nothing

about the economy

right they’re ripping off accountants

yeah that’s how deep this fucking web

they’re creating non tangible

things to make

tangible money and they’re getting away with it

somehow now they’re getting away with it

and instead of like

fixing and putting in a totally new operating

system they’re just putting up

new paths and new

parts of the registry and new pathways and

talk about that

that’s what

stifles america’s growth in a lot of ways like in

japan and china

their internet is

far superior to ours because is it really

because we use the

pre existing

structure super super fast

really they have

what do they use

what you call fiber

and see we have a pre existing

copper and kind of old

school wiring that’s why the

cable companies in the internet

have never really gotten in bed in this country

everywhere else that internet tv’s normal

really to access the web from your tv

and have it just

starting to really do that now sony

is nice here

like it’s a 40 incher yeah they got tv and it

gets everything from your

tv and they

should have that and that

technology has been available for 10 fucking years they

should have been doing that i

think there’s been a lot of resistance there

has no cable

companies are big time like they run a fucking mess

major mate you want to talk some serious

you know con

artist it’s a

cable company yeah

oh for sure and then

the internet popped up we already had a pre existing

structure and so china

never had one so they just

built all fucking

new one is like look at us that like they

laugh at our internets

instant yeah push

up instant do

whenever i do a thread on your message

board with like

speed test it’s like i’m all

proud of my you know

whatever 30

megabyte download

connection but then

30 megs something like that yeah and just the uverse

into universe yeah

damn 30 megs yeah

but then you look at

other peoples and they’re like 88

dude i remember when i used to play

quake there was dudes that

would get like

four ping their ping

would be like four i’m

like how is this are you in the room with the server

how are you getting four

they were just on some

crazy fat fucking cable pipe

yeah when cable

cable internet

first came around and everybody else had like isdn

oh my god you would

you could get online and rape them

right they were like frozen

the shit would be like they’d have

150 ping from like a 56k

modem or istn line

and what ping is is the amount of


it takes between the actual action and it happened

so you would have to lead

like if you want to

shoot a guy

with a railgun you’d have to assume that he was

going to keep running in the same direction you

would actually lead him

you’d aim right in

front of him with the rail gun and you’d have to

plan in your mind for

150 milliseconds oh wow

yeah that guys

were really good there was guys that

would kill you they

would fuck you up

even with a lag

cause they been

trying to lead

you they knew how to time the lag and they

knew like what weapons were good to like to like you

know deal with that non

non specific

aiming that you had to employ that’s pretty damn

smart dude it was incredible

dudes become

you get tuned into it and you become like

one of things

about video games is

like your fast

twitch and your movements and

everything they become in

tune with the parameters of the game well they say that

teaches kids

skills today

that is helping

their motor

skills cause i played that

grand theft auto but i never

stole cars i

would go play this

the free mode

where you can just run around the city and wreak

havoc and you

start to develop a lifestyle i became

a sniper a really good one i was lee harvey oswald

and i would snipe

people i was

really really good at it and i

would go sit on top of

buildings and i

would call you on the cell

phone because you had that earpiece and the guy

would be like

hello i’d like say cheese

motherfucker boom

i’d often from a skyscraper and it’s like

i started living this life and just i just i would get

thrills out of it i’d get

excited i’d be

proud of myself i got really good flying a helicopter

it’s fucking hard to fly a helicopter the best way

i would always do

everybody get in the

helicopter yeah

and i jump out yeah

i laugh my ass off

you blow them up

yeah you left

oh you just jump

yeah you’ll commit suicide but it’s

because they’re working on something like

because they like


i was working on something over cuz it’s new york

i was over in brooklyn you take me all the way over

here to do this you fucking dick dude that’s shit or or

where you land it on top of like the

statue of liberty yeah

it’s just so fun you

go around exploring there’s no rules and you just run a

month but after a while

there is kind of

like an understanding like if you see another dude

like sometimes a dude will just come up with beef like

just doing dry bites on you you’re like alright

but then sometimes a dude will

walk up and want to hang out

guys you take

for a ride i

roll solo i’m charles bronson in that fucking really i

hanging out with nobody

you get in my car i’m

gonna you’re

gonna get got there

you’re done with

i’m gonna embarrass

people jack people

i have no friends in

liberty city

poor matt the door guy at the comedy

stores okay let’s meet up man

me your code and i was like alright let’s go

right up and i’m like

she’s like what the fuck

i was like it’s just the way it goes in

liberty city homie

you’re a dick dudes get hurt

that’s hilarious

why make friends if i could

shoot you why

and suffer no repercussions for it i have

friends in real life bitch

i’m a lone wolf in that fucking city dude

that’s hilarious grab a car listen to some tunes go do

drive by some people provoke the police

that game is so much fun now do you do this online

with the pc i

do it online

with the ps3

i fucking hate games

controllers that

get over you need to know play it for a

month and you’ll get used to it

oh you only do it you only

do computers

mouse and keyboards better

just better

people i’ve

tried both i

understand the appeal

of game control it is

not as specific are the graphics better on a computer

i’ll just always

yeah the graphics are

better the resolution is better but more importantly

when you’re in

front of the

screen like you’re dealing with

you shouldn’t be dealing with

if you really want to pay attention more than 21 inches

right 21 inches you want a

small screen it’s not too big

cause otherwise

your eyes are not

gonna be able to keep up with

everything right

about that and a

mouse and a keyboard is way better

so you can move much more specifically with a

mouse and a keyboard

and a mouse is way more accurate as far as aiming

so in fast twitch games like

quake and unreal tournament

and all those

crazy games the

grand theft auto’s not like that

can i get grand

theft auto on computer you can but

you don’t need to do

mousey that’s a game

that mounts

grand theft auto is not a fast

twitch well all

video most games aren’t

moving to joystick though full

range of motion

most of them are

i’ve gotten so good at the xbox controller the ps3

controller that i don’t even realize i meet

with my hands yeah

the problem is

that once you’ve done

quake once you’ve experienced this

super high adrenaline

rush of really high

speed 3d action

death death matches

only that game rocket

launchers i’m all

about death

matches yes

yes yes bro

i’m all but

i don’t want a regular

i want a game

where i can walk regular speed

right i want a game

where i can rocket jump

i wanna shoot a rocket

at the ground

and jump at the same time and go flying through the air

that’s badass that’s cool you

play so many more games

when you play

every time you talk

about that i get

bored when you play

deathmatch on no you like

those are the boring

i like that shit on

grand theft auto

that deathmatch

is a deathmatch

how many 18 people

all around the world

games all around the

world and you just

i love killing somebody i know it’s real

i just know somebody i’m on the

other end sometimes

on the other

end i really

experience it yeah

and i got the earpiece and

everything and i’d go into rooms and be a bunch of

teenage boys

up like yeah

niggas who’s

ready to get killed maybe like

who is this guy

nobody would talk shit to me it’s amazing how a

voice will work nobody

would talk shit but yeah

motherfucker had that feel they like

i’m 12 i do

voices and shit all the time

it was fucking

this morning so everybody’s allowed to talk

when you get in a room yeah everybody can talk you can

mute yourself

and then you’ll hear french

chinese like oh yeah you’ll hear little kids that are

fighting with

their mom and you’re

giving them advice like

throw her vagisil at her

mom and then you’ll hear you’ll hear the dismay

of somebody when you fuck him up in a

deathmatch and i was

like nasty shit

i was a grenade

expert i would

drive i would hold it and but i do a

drive by you and drop it at the last

second and take off and just battle

field battlefield

where you just drop a

like a grenade like you’re driving with somebody

and then you get out and you put a grenade in

yeah it’s so good i mean that

guy i had to stop playing i had to stop playing to live

my life again

i was like i’m not living my life you

remember robert from the comedy

store the manager

who got addicted to

robert davies not

world of warcraft no

every other one ever quest

was robert davies

yes you remember

robert yeah yeah i didn’t know he was into that

famous robert quote

i say this all the time to people when i talk

about people who are addicted to games

we’re in the back of the comedy

store backed by the bar area

and he goes it’s so

weird i’m so

successful in my online life

but so unsuccessful in my real life

this is because

his online life and everquest he was a pimp it was like

a sorcerer with

magic and shit that’s

great yeah he had like

pet dragons in his online life there was

a there was a documentary

about those people the

world of warcraft did you

see that one it was amazing like how like but it was

dangerous it’s like a bad drug

habit it’s like no one

like dudes are having to

let the kids starve

yeah because they get addicted with

these online role playing games yeah i met this hot

chick that was like

supermodel hot

and i found out that she was addicted to that game like

twelve hours a day

world of work yeah and it just

blew my mind and was like okay this game

might not be too bad i would play

i would play

grand theft auto probably like up to four

hours a day and i felt like that was even a

waste it’s so

cool though to put

these headphones on

and not in the

click and enter into a

world where

there’s a bunch of

other people online

and it’s a gigantic massive

arena so you can

wander around all

these different areas someone that just came out

bobby lee keeps trying to get me to get

um he plays it all the time it’s a

las vegas oh no

fallout fallout fallout

that’s what i’m playing

right now is that

what you’re playing

yeah fuck yeah

if you played the

first one the fallout 3

dude fuck that get fallout 3 for 19

play that thing

you’ll fucking love it and go beat

because it’s the

exact same game but it’s in

vegas i love

deathmatch and

gta so much i

never felt the need to play another game and then i

heard metal launers pretty

what is this fallout game like

it’s more like

first person shooter

mixed with like a role playing game but it’s one of

these games that

because he likes

grand theft

auto it’s just an open sandbox meaning there is

tons of different endings there’s tons of different you

could either be a good person or a bad guy

but what’s cool is just

like going into

these towns and it’s really realistic and you can go

why don’t they

do it with a

mouse and keyboard

because everyone everyone’s

used everyone’s used to

but it’s not as accurate

yeah but only a certain amount of games like like quake

doesn’t mean well you

know they’ve actually they’ve actually had

game offs where they’ve

taken people with pc versions of the game

and play them

against people that yeah for quake

that’s not just quick

well i mean

there’s only certain

amount of games that need

to be that accurate meaning like if you are all playing


with a controller

there’s people that are

awesome at that

what i’m telling you is that you’re missing one of the

most satisfying parts of the game well yeah but you’re

talking statistics and notice

quack i’m not

talking statistics in numbers i’m talking

about the most satisfying part of

these third person shooters

is having nasty aim

it’s being able to

blast dudes but they make games so that

which game with the controller in mind so

you can’t have

nasty aim playing any of

these games but you won’t have

as good aim

as playing with the

mouse and the keyboard when they’ve played

against each

other the mouse and the keyboard people always win

yeah but because it’s more accurate i

understand that it’s accurate enough but you

think it’s accurate enough yeah

but if you were playing

against a guy with a

mouse and a keyboard it’s not you’re

never playing with a guy with a

mouse and a keyboard you’re playing

other people with control

but why would you do that if you know a

mouse and a keyboard is more accurate because

listen man the

whole thing is accuracy

in those games the whole

thing is in

quake the whole

thing is strategy

planning out your map and then being able to

accurately pick

a guy off they design the game with the controller

and accuracy

of the controllers

limitations in mind so what you

might be playing

quake where you are so i

understand this

brian you’re repeating yourself but i’m saying is it

doesn’t matter to me because i’ll always know that the

mouse the keyboard is more accurate for a quake

no anytime it’s more accurate no no

no you play

mouse is a more

accurate way of aiming

i bet if you get like the best

battlefield 1943 guy

versus the best 1943 guy on

a computer i bet

there’s not

gonna be a huge difference

to where you

can go there’s a difference man there’s a difference

the mouse guys always win

it’s more accurate it’s this is not like

this not like an opinion this is

like it’s pretty much

it’s more accurate

like you’re

you’re shutting off all games

on the council because you don’t like the controller

where a game

i don’t want to get addicted to games period

grand theft

i’m gonna play the

most thrilling ones and the most thrilling ones to me

are first person

shooters deathmatch

style per sepera

quake counter

strike shit like that you’re running around

shooting the

mouse and keyboard is the only way to go with

those that’s

exactly what

the deathmatch in

grand theft auto and you have all of new york city

is your playground and

a deathmatch

i could be down with that though but i

would want to be able to

get people with like a

mouse and key

where you could snipe people and shit

i am a nice

what i’m saying

make sure they’re not looking at i’m a

level 10 dude i’m

you’re playing

quake you don’t yeah i

opportunities dudes

don’t sit around and just wait to be shot in the head

everybody’s constantly moving oh yeah

you have to be very active oh

these guys move all the time you go to the airport

and have the

deathmatch dude i go find a nest somewhere and i

just let them run and i’ll

leave them i’ll

eat them we call in

quake they call it camping

rocket jump up there was like certain

crazy trick moves that you could

do and one of them

was this dude figured out how to double rocket jump

to the top of this

tower he would

throw a grenade down

and then he

would rocket

jump on the grenade oh that’s so he

would make sure that the grenade he timed the grenade

clink clink clink

and then he

would rocket

jump but oh

as it went on

and he would go sailing to the top of his

tower was a trick move

and then he

would just jack people

and win the

map because you couldn’t get him out of there

and he would just peck

you off of the rail i

could go get this

today quake

oh fuck yeah

they could have got it yesterday wait

one two three four they’ve all been out you don’t want

quake get killzone to have you played that

yet why do you want

why do you say you don’t want

quick i want

quick i love it

because killzone 2 is a million times better there’s so

many games no million

times better to you

you guys haven’t played them to you just

described everything i like i love

warfare i just love

warfare if you have where

where you can use

one on one tactical

yes yeah one on one


with quake are the most fucking thrilling shit

you can ever

hear online

it’s whittled down to one dude online and some before

real exciting

right you love different

tastes than me

you know it’s just no no i’m just saying my taste

i’m just saying that they’ve

taken that game and have made it a million times better

no you’re saying it to

you you’re saying to you kills on

pretty good there’s a

ton of games to me if it’s not a

mouse and keyboard

and it’s not

accuracy you can

you can get

these for mac

is that most

of these games are

for mac also

a lot of the call of duty has mac caught up

max all right

ea has been pushing it a little bit

what what’s a good one i can get they

all have that they all have boot camps i don’t have

a can i get

quake for mac yes

is it getting to a

point now though

where most games are just

going console

for the most part i mean they

still release them here and there

but it’s not it’s

they’re selling a million times more on console yeah

most consoles are becoming

just because

it’s so you can have the best computer

and then you get that game and it’s awesome next year

you’re gonna have to do something

about your computer if you want to

do as good as a console or whatever

so the console what they’ve done is they just kind of


everything and this is what you get

and bam you just set it up if

should be updatable though

like sounds

i mean are the

your computer

you’re constantly updating

a computer that’s the problem and then you get a

virus or you get something that slows down

your computer and then you’re fucked consoles you know

everything is designed for the console like a

mac is you know all the programs are designed for macs

so it definitely

doesn’t ever really get slower your ps3 is

gonna be as fast as this

first day you get is the last day pc

that quake on the way home that

you already got me and i love killing so

addictive dude

are you good at aiming with the

mouse and keyboard

no but i can get good at i

would go online

man and i would play

against dudes for professionals like

every now and then

dudes who are real professional players of being in

these these rooms and you go one on one

deathmatch against

these guys and just get

raped that just you know

what it’s like

what kind of control and

domination someone

could have over you i always love it it’s so

exciting your fucking

heart is beating a million miles

just chasing

after you see

lightning going

right by your head and

barely missing you and i

did i love it i love

urban warfare too

especially that’s the cool

thing about

grand theft auto they have that

you know you

can go to different boroughs in new york and

stuff and actually you can get

quick live for free just

yeah and you

play for free

really yeah

yeah it’s a it’s a web

based program it works for mac too

i need you to keep me away from it

so it’s scary man

quick live and i’m

on and i’m gaming lose your goddamn life bro they’re

gonna get you

no i’m gonna get you

to love hitting you with a chain gun

oh i love it man i love it

i was so nasty in

deathmatch and the

other one it’s like i

would come up

just to piss somebody off like stab him to death

they’d have a gun and i’d

shank them to

death just plenty of

dick brian and i

first met we played online once

and this was like in the height of my

quake addiction

and we only played once

just because i

just yeah he was slam 3

he won like

102 times in a row or something

i didn’t even win but to me see that

to me that wasn’t even like a fun

experience i

don’t well that

was because it was unmatched well no i mean i

played unreals i played the

quakes all my life but to me

the idea of just

run run run kill kill die run run run kill die

that’s not fun to me it’s like i want a little bit more

of an adventure i

guess mixed in with my

first person shooter or

just you know not

having to start over

from scratch

every 30 seconds or a

minute you know like well normally you don’t

you know what we were just it was it was not enjoyable

you stay alive

matched we were

poorly we’ll see the

thing is i don’t like

i don’t like tasks i’ve never

stolen a car in greta

drive in anything

i don’t work for anybody

shoot people yeah i

run down hallways

and lightning gun someone to

death i’m all

about my i’m

here to hate

i’m here to

rocket launch you in the face

bitch i love that i’m here to

catch you when you’re hitting

that bouncy pad jump through the air on catch you

mid jump with a railgun and

watch you explode

spray of red

i love that dude i got a

pixels quake

live com is that

what we’re talking

about so much quake

live com and i can just get on and play for free yeah

so much fun

yeah i mean it lives your life

since you’ve

never since

you’ve never played it you’ll probably like it but i

think you’re

gonna be easily

like okay i yeah

no no i think you’re just

gonna be easily

bored with it you’re

gonna be more want

for like the

vegas fallout

vegas or something now

why would you

say that why

would it be easily

bored if you like

he likes grand theft auto type games but he likes

deathmatch but just the

deathmatch in

grand theft auto i

never do the task

i’ve never done any of the task

right right

right i’m saying

but you like the open in real you’re not

dying every

three seconds in

grand theft auto you’re

you only die

every three

seconds when you fight

no no no if you

watch in the

deathmatch you do

if you watch people in the

deathmatch or

quake people are

dying at least once

every minute or so

you’re talking

okay once every

minute yeah

but you’re also

talking are you talking one on one are you talking

about the team

deathmatch free for all you know yeah

if i’m playing a deathmatch

in gta and there’s

18 people in it you’re dying

about an average a minute

and you’re good if you’re going

right in the middle of it and

especially to me i’m like you i get the sniper run

i get to collect my weapons there’s like some health

some rooms where they only

allow like the moderator will only

allow rocket launchers so you have to just

basically go around shooting by people’s feet

zero crap yourself up yeah

so those ones

those ones are cool too but i like

warfare like

collecting my weapons and getting a grenade and

yeah intactically

leading somebody into it well

that’s the best

thing about the

deathmatch and

quake is that

you control a map and that the weapons will respawn

every 30 seconds that’s great

you could keep running around

snatching up the rocket launches as they respawn

right every time you get them you get like you know

extra rockets and this guy can’t get

shit so he’s running around with his gay little pistol

with only a

certain amount of

bullets and you’re

fully loaded with all the armor

you’re timing all the armor

timing all the

weapon respawns you have all your weapons all your

armor and you’re just raping him

every time he responds

how is it free

where are they making

money can you pull it up

it’s an old

game quake has been around for a long time

and quake live is just

their way of

giving back to the community and making people

excited about

their game and making so that it’s

a cross platform

thing that they can

do where it’s web based and

so they can work on

their their

shit while they

develop new games they work on

their ability to

make them for the web do you

still play are you

still playing no it’s

scary to me yeah too

scary i don’t want to lose my life

i’ve talked

about it so many times in the podcast i can’t talk

about it anymore but

i have a real addiction to games

i get addicted to things

um yeah me too we talked

about it i think

how many comics are like us a lot

right it’s part of you have

to be you have to be a sick fuck to want to go up and

make strangers

laugh to yeah extract an involuntary response for them

intermittently it’s it’s a fucking

weird and risk them not

laughing and

through them not

laughing and rebound and try it again yeah

should have seen i was in iowa

at the funny bone last week and the friday

night they just stared at us

stairs i was like oh my god this is

gonna be a long weekend luckily it was just a different

crowd and the rest of the

crowds were

great so much so

in fact i was very impressed i was like ah you guys are

you know pretty

fucking cool people here like they were very

there’s a lot of cool people all over the country all

over the internet yeah

kids are cool

now just a very cool and like there’s not there

was no conservative there’s some you know some of the


which are like i feel bad for real

libertarians the one that the teabaggers are

starting to

right extract

their message

which are nothing

about real libertarians aren’t like that at all

there’s some real


out there and some cool guys that talk politics and

there’s some tea

baggers that are real

libertarians yeah there are

the ron pauls of the movement

and i feel bad that they get lumped in with the

wrong one the whole

when you know it’s a very very tricky

thing when you

start getting a giant

group together because

it’s like okay who’s in this group

okay and what are your beliefs

right but you’re

calling yourself a tea bagger too but you don’t like

black people

right okay and you

think obama

should go back to africa and you

think he was

born in indonesia and

but you’re a tea bagger too

right so it’s like it gets confusing

whenever you have a big

group it’s like god damn it do i have to

state what it is to be a tea bagger

you must love everyone

you know incriminately

you must do this you must do that you must not be a

civil war reenactor

yeah i mean

libertarians had

theirs pretty well

mapped out though before they

you knew exactly what they

stood for no police

states is it

funny though that it’s such

a fringe organization that it’s thought of as fringe

like i voted


oh you fucking idiot

and that’s it

that’s the only way to make change if somebody

finally does something and says fuck this fuck voting

right or wrong

or fuck voting i’m voting how i feel

instead of voting

because it’s like they were saying when

obama was running say i liked

ron paul a lot

i really liked it i was like that i kind of

i think i want to vote for this guy

i won’t say whether i did or didn’t but

i was more attuned

with everything he was saying

without a doubt but

we’ve talked

about this before

that they always made him out to be kooks

everyone on fox news

him out to be a kook everyone on cnn

i mean that’s

not impartial reporting that’s not even the news what

they’re doing is they were programming us to

think that he was a joke

candidate that

really is sad because when you listen to that man talk

he says he makes more

sense than anybody

he’s not a politico

these are not

statements or


he’s he’ll tell you honestly and it’s like wow

you’ll never get an office

because nobody will ever have the balls to pull the

trigger on you yeah

it’s a real

wake up call whenever there’s any political campaigning

whenever you

look at that

crazy lady in arizona what is the

woman’s yeah

chan brewer

yeah who she made up some

crazy shit about her father dying in

world war ii

meanwhile her father’s alive

there was that now

that dui things were

popping up yeah she’s fucking crazy

she made up shit about

people losing

their headless

bodies being found

on the mexican border

and see her phone

on her fucking on debate how she just fro

she stopped for ten

seconds i was like who

does that who really does that i

wouldn’t stop at gunpoint well

what it was explained to me was that she was she was

never even elected for

that job she was

given that job well when the politano lab

she was lieutenant governor she was

and you know what they will

elect her today

you think so

that’s my old hometown man

i love my people

there and i love springtime in arizona but there’s some

it’s some politically

backwards it’s gotten more backwards

since i’ve left it was pretty cool in the 90s feife

simonton was governor but

we were in a club

in phoenix and

brian set me hip

to one of the

major problems in phoenix

do you remember that this is

a long time ago many many years ago cocaine

vampires oh yeah

we were in this club

and i had never done coke before

and brian goes

everyone’s on coke

it’s like what are you talking about

everyone everyone here’s on coke

and i go okay okay

tell me how you know they’re on coke and he goes

watch it goes you’re

gonna look around

don’t look at you’re

gonna look around everyone’s

gonna be touching their nose

and they’re all

gonna be talking and they’re all

gonna be very

excited and there’s

gonna be like

a lot of fist pumps and a lot of fucking high fives

just look around

and all of a

sudden i looked around and there was like the opening

like the opening

scene and blade

where the blood

started spraying from the ceiling

i was confused

be like what the hell man

that’s so true

cause it’s too

hot during the day and they stay in the clubs all night

yeah it’s just

it’s a very strange

thing and it happened in the old west even in wyatt

urps there’s just always been this strange

outlaw rogue

mentality there

which is cool but here’s a problem with phoenix

all right i love phoenix i love

going back there

yeah the problem with that

place is it gets too hot

120 at 2 00 a

m it’s too hot and people stop

thinking when it gets that

hot it really isn’t it’s something

where it’s like you know i

haven’t lived there in 10 11 years and i

could never i don’t know how i

lived in it

i don’t know how i did it i don’t know extreme heat

brings like a lackadaisic mentality

you lack a days ago

are you like oh

yeah it does you don’t want to do anything you like

box there you just hopscotch

from air conditioner to air conditioner yeah that’s

literally what you did

not good i’d rather have

i rather have

chili i’d rather have 30 degrees

yeah i would rather have 30 degrees like

colorado perfect here

yeah it’s like 75 degrees every day

it gets hot out here in the valley it gets hot

it gets it’s awesome in malibu

yeah when you like

by the ocean

sound the marine

layer yeah because

it’s never hot it’s

never cold it’s always like 70 something degrees

you can always wear

shorts in november if you let’s what’s good

about the marine layer

keeps the heat out keeps the

to cool in when it needs to

until a big rock from the sky hits that

bitch and the

water comes a thousand

miles high towards the rocks

and i’ll be out there looting son

will you be yeah

i’ll be out there looting will you go looting at the

first sign of anything

going wrong

would you put a mask on or do you think you would just

fuck it risk

those youtube

videos i think you know i would do is just go

completely like lord of the flies i get a

crazy haircut yeah

just do everything i

did one eyebrow maybe off you know whatever style yeah

do you ever worry

about that about the end of the society about

everything falling apart

i don’t worry about it i think

about it and like i said earlier i think it’s

if i was part of the last

generation that be a kind of a cool thing

you know it would be it’s like yeah yeah this

generation what about the last

generation that’s some cool shit we’re all

dying together

and it won’t matter because they’ll be no one to tell a

story to but you know what exactly but there’s no

there’s no kaboom there’s no we end all at once i

think the idea is just like in you

know how it’s happened before it’s something real bad

will happen and then people will die out and replenish

after a while but it’ll just be shitty times

you know like even if

nuclear war happens all over the

world so we got it

too good right now with refrigerators and cell

phones we got it

wired dude go to

supermarket it’s getting fat steak

pick up some fucking charcoal

come home like that

bitch kick back

watch a little of the fucking high def tv

watch some hd net

fights and shit how

about cold beer

it’s getting

better it’s just getting better and better

it’s the greatest time to be

alive ever it really is and

every day you

can say that and so when people say like to like i will

bring kids into this

world it’s like shut

up i’ve never been good exactly shut your

mouth would you rather

bring them in the fucking king arthur day yeah

die a smallpox you

stupid cunt

yeah fucking

pete it with

sticks and lightning on fire

it’s the best time to have people

right absolute best time

and speaking of which

not speaking to which well

where you are

at next where you

doing stand up

i’ll be at the comedy

store locally here in la this week then i’m

gonna be headlining in

la jolla what

time are your spots because you know the comedy store

i’m usually on at 10 p

m between 10

p m and 10 45

there’s some times to

avoid that motherfucker yeah there certainly is it’s

you know that from nine o’clock

until midnight it’s

pretty good how the

you guys be

getting good

crowds down there yeah real good

crowds we’ve joined the

21st century

thanks to alpha lamont

we’re online now yeah

alpha’s cool he

sounds real cool

contact me on twitter

i’ve gone back and forth with him

seems like he’s

dedicated to the idea of the

store it’s what the

store always needs and needs someone to come

along the beliefs and the

whole message of it sure and there really isn’t a

whole lot to do mitzi’s on it yeah

it’s like aunt bethany and christmas vacation

is the house on fire

clock how many

conversations do you have with

tommy on a regular

oh it’s really

since that’s the most

ridiculous shit he’s ever said to you

well uh my favorite thing

about it is there

is is it’s not even like people

think he’s racist

not really racist he just

believe some

crazy shit you know what like what

like like if somebody does something like well it’s

cause they’re german

i’d be like haha

it’s cause they’re

protestant it’s like

how do you even know

you know it’s just

like he’s a very interesting character him and johnny

zap you know there’s characters up there that you’ll

never forget as long as you live

just a magnet for

crazy people it really

is and it’s just like it’s like it’s like a beacon

for them on the sunset

strip they would

never try to walk into another business

no they wouldn’t walk into the

anda’s next door they want to try that at the

house of blues they come

right to the

store it’s a

magnet and they know they can go to

the very back and come out without being hassled they

know they know

robert william improvise

you have fucking plastic bags popping out of his

clothes you

see him hanging out there

he insulates his body

with plastic bags because he’s got to walk like ten

miles to get to the kind of stuff

that i saw him like last week

and i was talking he was talking to tommy

and i was like

i just went to go like hey

good you can’t

touch him i know you’re not

freaked yeah

he’ll start yiping like a dog

yeah yeah yeah yeah he’s nuts i

heard he played

basketball at

ucla yeah i

heard he was

quite brilliant

real already is this brilliant

i mean i shouldn’t

he may have

some sort of brilliant dude

he’s now he’s living like downtown

and the alexandria

hotel he just went nuts it’s like he’s

schizophrenia got him

because you

can tell you can have a conversation with them i have

brian was just talking

about another guy that we know that went nuts

yeah no that’s

because that’s not as personal but

i think it’s weird how

if you look at the

comics in general there’s a big

part of these

comics that

they do end up losing

their minds they do end up

going through

huge things of

depression and

getting into hardcore

drama well it’s a

crazy ride man the ride of

needing to constantly be up and on that

stage and constantly be

pumping it out and turning it on for people

it’s a very

delicate balance and you have to balance out your ego

with your imagination

with your desire to please people with your desire to

make yourself look i mean you have to figure out

what the fuck you doing this for why you’re doing it

you have to

figure out why bits aren’t working

gotta figure out why they’re not liking you

there’s a lot of shit

going on it’s a

a lot of stress for a lot of people and

some of them just can’t handle it

after a while

like the very need for it in the

first place usually

it usually signifies something went

wrong in their

childhood oh

absolutely i

would say that yeah i

would say that you know mine

dad didn’t play ball with me that’s why i’m a comedian

that’s exactly why i need

the attention of people you know

everybody right all of us and if you ever met anybody

that’s any good that isn’t like that yeah or that had a

great upbringing

it’s one of the reasons why

you know we

can identify with each other

it’s one of the reasons why we we

appreciate each

other and respect each

other in a way that

like even when i was talking

about mark marine

earlier i like mark i don’t have a problem with mark

but if i saw mark in like germany

if i was like

going to the airport in germany

and all sudden i ran into mark i’d be like genuinely

happy to see him

right you know i’ll be like

somebody of your ignosis of my

he’s like one of me

you know i mean

we might be different but it’s

we’re both comics like

there might be a thousand of us in the

whole country and

for real yeah

i mean if you look at

all the comedians in this country all the professional

comedians just

three hundred million plus people

and mexicans

okay so who knows how

many that really is

three hundred million plus people

and out of them

maybe a thousand of them are

professional comedians and have that thousand comedians

maybe how many are headliners are there

three hundred are there

five hundred

is there even that many

it is a very exclusive

group that’s a nutty number man

500 people we’re just

throwing that off the top or head but i

think it’s probably pretty accurate

you’re probably dead

right about that because

we live in comedy cities it’s like yeah

you know when

people meet a comedian outside of la or something

it’s like meeting an astronaut to them

they don’t know what it’s

about totally

i hear the comedy community in indianapolis when i

was in indianapolis i was sure

some dudes that were like local

comics there

it’s nice to

see it’s nice to know that there’s like a little

amateur community and they’ve got

what else you do around here oh there’s a bar

that does comedy on tuesday

night there’s this

place and this

guy runs a room and you know they’re trying to like

develop some little comedy community they

gotta go to

iowa has it too

when i was there

they had a little community go and he’s like

you got any advice that go get the fuck out of iowa

you know it’s not bad to

start out in the

price sucks it’s

not bad and you know what the midwest they have some

great clubs some

funny bones there they’re always good and i

feel the need to support

those clubs too

and come back and do

those clubs i try to do all like the cool little clubs

yeah i love

going back and doing the

punch line atlanta you

punch line atlanta

never been oh

it’s a fucking

beautiful club perfect size it’s got wood

paneling ancient

photographs i mean it hasn’t changed

is it is it

the underground

brian went up

during a fucking ufc

night he hadn’t done comedy in years okay

and we were smoking weed and we were

drunk and you

wanna do some comedy tonight

what tonight

tonight’s in this fucking crowd

come on dudes just get up there and do it he goes

alright let

me try to remember my stuff

he hasn’t done

comedy like how long have you not done comedy

three or four years

three or four years i only

did it like ten times before that this

was a midnight year

ufc crowd at the

punchline atlanta but

that’s how good the

punchline is

that a midnight fucking

crowd on a ufc

night where there was just

savages in the audience

and he could

still go on and kill

oh that’s great dude

so fucking classic club

perfect size

great owners too great

setup i like how they have like this little balcony

yeah the comedy works in denver that’s another one yeah

fucking epic place

right epic little club yeah

this weekend i’m doing the cap city comedy club

in austin you ever do that no

that’s close ever

god damn it

was best clubs ever god this place

is in my opinion

the the most

exciting place to perform in the

whole country yeah there’s something

about austin and this cap city has been around forever

and there’s like so many cool motherfuckers

austin they get excited when cool people come they

love the arts

in austin they do big supporters of the arts they

super appreciate good comedy too because hicks

had like a big base in austin

there’s a lot of really good

local comics in austin’s

ron a really

smart artist yeah they have a

scene sixth

street and all

that they definitely have a kick ass

scene there

do you do cap city you ever do that no oh

is that good son

i gotta go i gotta

you know locally it’s like

obviously the

store are you ever

gonna come back to the

store you think

no you’re a man of your word i’ll say

you vowed you want it

thanks i’ll say

fella you’re

never coming back to siros huh listen

cocksuck i’ve been there before been there done that

moving on sure get your

shoes signed

it would be

in a front it would be

travesty would be

i could not do it they did

everything that does not

stand for comedy

they stood for

everything that they

should have been

fighting against

they embraced the hacker

not just that the fact that i fucking work for

those assholes for free

my name is on the marquee

every weekend i

promoted on my myspace page just that you’re

the only reason i

could leave my

shirt not inside out

like when i worked the

booth there i was so fucking embarrassed

about that lineup

like you were the only saving

grace and dare i even say

eddie griffin if his if he was in town

it was some dark it was

so but like there was a girl who

would eat the

monster yeah

and there was

there was the dingle and

there’s so many people there

that didn’t work anywhere else

and mitsy gave him

a fucking friday saturday

night spots in the

prime like people

would come up be like do you work here but no

no i don’t we had renezezian he said the exact same

thing it’s so embarrassing it’s like

you’re just like please joe put joe on put joe on i

would lie to like guys like guys

would come up and be like in my eyes

like no you’re not

actually mitzi

called and said we

gotta put joe on now

you know it was just like it was just so

bad and we would pay i look

people in the face and tell them what was it like ten

bucks at the time

but i make them come

in there and pay and they’d be like when is the comedy

gonna start now

i’ll give them the credits

young guys it’s relevant people you got some

upcoming guys yeah you know there’s

there’s al there’s there’s you know

steve byrne

there’s a lottery

there’s a re

there’s a lot of guys

spots who i i

would say you’re getting

a good show and there’s this new crop of guys who

bobby lee and i were talking

about this they don’t

quite mind their p’s and q’s all the time they don’t

understand the hierarchy there that

you’re not even allowed to look at me

you know what i mean

because bobby gets real bent out of shape

about that he’s like

the new guy

that fucking guy he

fucking looked at me

i was like get

out of here

you really want like to

have a hierarchy

he’s like you guys not allowed to fucking talk to me

i was laughing

about because

this guy is the nicest

guy in the world that he’s talking

about everybody likes this new

comics get like that man i had a lot of

comics when

i was coming up that had been around before that

would give you like advice and like a song

yeah when you get to fucking get two years in the

business then tell me what you

think’s funny

okay kid right

right like well meanwhile dude you suck yeah

about that yeah how

about you never

gonna be funny yeah that’s the

thing i used to hate i remember when i

started there there was

these like frankie pace

would still

you want to talk

about bitter

frankie pace face

he was angry

at everybody look at this guy he’s got a fucking deal

he’s on tv what about me

you know who’s doing that now is kravitz

he’s always our

i heard he took a long time off and then

just started

coming back to comedy

reasons coming back we were always friendly with each

other i still

am friendly with him but he’s just a bitter bitter guy

and that’s a real bad

thing in comedy

the worst i’ve noticed you know i

seldom shit on

other comics

cause one i’m not

watching them

and two i don’t care it’s like the

thing is it’s like

the carlos thing needed

to be addressed people shit on dane cook he’s never

taken anything from me dane is not a bad person he’s

never taken anything from me in

my life but dane did

he’d made some unfortunate choices and he’s a

super ambitious guy

and he’s a you know

he’s a powerful

motivated dude

it’s not bad

he is who he is

like people be like like i’ll meet

these guys these

young open mugs like screw

dane cook i’m like

i was here 10 years ago

when that guy

was still grinding

and i have never

met a comedian who worked that hard

do you have to like us

county no i don’t like it

but is he a comedian yeah

he’s a comedian

the difference between him and man

steelia was so evident

it was a difference i’m glad that was

pointed out too because like even like i

think when he

was on your show he was like look i am not him and i

do not deserve to be put in that he

doesn’t he does not deserve

to be put into that no not even remotely not even close

what happened

with menstelja

too was this

crazy thing

where he would go on in

front of guys and do

their material

do you remember when he did that loco

thing and he went

in front of johnny sanchez and

he did like his closing bit before he

brought him up

and he would do that to people all the time

gank shit and do it in

front of you and it was

like and in your face look what i just got away with

right it was like some sort of

like badass

thing look at

this bullshit yeah it’s a very mind fuck

thing remember

marron pointed it out he said like you know tell me

about your first comedy

experience i went and bought a book

yeah jokes he said and then i went and told

marin that was the most


thing is one of the reasons why i mean

like i said i don’t hate marin

he’s a good guy he’s trying to do the

right thing with his life

but he said

about this messiah

thing that me and him on

stage was two bullies arguing over bullshit

i’m like man

you know that’s not fair

because i didn’t

want this to happen and the only reason it happened the

first place get

moron called me up on

stage he actually got on

stage took the

microphone and called me

up on stage

got on stage took it from a guy who was on

stage who i brought up

and so i was like look if you

wanna do this i’ll do this like i’m not scared of you

like if you

wanna call me out in

front of a room

full of people that i just performed for

and you wanna continue this okay if you have the

microphone okay

you don’t deserve to

have the microphone you’re not even supposed to be on

stage but if you

wanna do that and you’ve just

hijacked the show i’ll go up there and we’ll figure out

where this goes

and that’s what it was to me if it wasn’t for brian

and brian’s editing

skills i mean they would have

never even hit the air

i didn’t even know he was in the room but it happened

you know what’s

crazy is before that even happened

he knew who i was and hated me because i had

earlier made this

other carlisle monsieur

video that was like not

successful at all

but i had made this

video and he i remember he walked past me stopped

right next to me

looked at me and chicken necked me

and that was something like only bullies did in like

like elementary

school like when you go up to somebody

and you like

flinch your face

right into their face like

you know like

that you did that yeah

that was like a week away he

was so crazy he

just checked me

i was on the way off the

stage before he went on

stage and took the

microphone away from this guy

he stood in

front of me and like

chest checked i can’t believe you and i was like

bitch are you

crazy of course he hasn’t

but i was like i will

end your life with my bare hands

right here you know he

started drinking

did he yeah did you know

that are you

serious he started he’s like 40 something he just

started wow

i saw that i

heard this on marin’s podcast this is the reason why

i can’t go back

to the store

they supported that guy they embraced that guy they

set the worst

he can still go anytime he wants

they set the

worst example ever

for the art and if there was one club who shouldn’t

big governing of that yeah

you know it was a

personal thing it wasn’t it wasn’t

mitsy’s choice because i

you weren’t

even before it

happened you

were doing that on behalf of all the guys he wasn’t

stealing from you you’re doing on behalf of i

wasn’t stealing from me because i was so

vocal about it

i knew it was coming so that the reason

he did steal from me a

bunch of times in the road i got

where i got

i got calls

from guys who opened for him all over the country

i get calls

from guys who went to see him in houston he was

doing my bits

he was he was doing everybody shit

it wasn’t just what you saw on the dvds it was

every fucking

night he performed

he was doing people shit

that exposed him that

night i can’t believe i was there

dude it had to be

done right i mean it had to

be done but this

would piss me off

about what marin said

it was like it’s two bullies arguing over bullshit like

look man i might be a loud dude and i might be

aggressive and i

might be you know

overly agro

but i’m not a bully

yeah you were

championing the

us if you’re

a nice person i’m

gonna be so nice to you yeah

if you’re a nice guy i’m fucking for sure nice back

but if you’re a dickhead to me i’m

gonna be a bigger dick back yeah

and with that guy it wasn’t even

a matter of a bullying

thing it was like we have a fucking criminal in our

midst and it’s being supported by all the substructure

it’s being supported by all the club managers

being supported by the

agents who are profiting off this guy running around

stealing people shit

it’s not like

one guy like a

robin williams who like occasionally

he’ll blurt out someone’s material you’re talking

about a guy who’s just straight

ganking people

right you know

it was a totally different sort of a situation if you

weren’t there all the time like i was and you were

you wouldn’t see how horrible it was

it was the worst

atmosphere for

creativity you

could ever imagine

where everyone was

worried and we used to have to

light the fucking

light up when the dude walked into the room

you lit that light yeah

how many times did you

light that light yeah a lot

i knew when he was coming he was working the fucking

cover booth

freddie was working the

cover booth and when

when mensia

would come in

guys would need that

light flashed for them to know that that guy was

in the room know that mensia was there that is so dark

it’s amazing when you can okay that with yourself to

steal it would make comedy

really well it’s

more amazing that the clubs allowed

it i know it’s not amazing that one

person’s crazy

what’s amazing is that

these clubs go we can make

money off this

crazy person that’s fucking

not even just

but it’s like it’s it’s all of us to somebody

should have said something more

about it yeah

it was a real

it was but you know what

everyone says

it like hey you did it you call them out it was a

total random moment

right didn’t have to happen it wasn’t

planned out

it was just

he he what he did is he played on my ego you know

you deserve the balls get up here

i don’t know

if it was suicide by comp i don’t know what it was

it might have been

because he had to know this is

gonna end ugly

right what are you

gonna do you’re

gonna intimidate me what are you

gonna do are you

gonna be wrong but

he was so confident this is how i knew he was

crazy when i went on

stage he was so confident

you know what the fuck have i ever

stole when he was saying that to me

he was so confident i was like oh my god am i crazy

yeah did i make all this

sounds good at it if i hater had my

whole philosophy

of him just be had been formed by my own jealousy

so then i started naming bits

and then as i was naming bits i just

watched him fall

apart i just

watched him in the store

his eyes were

cracked like

glass was shattering in his eyes and like the lens

it was seeing the

sunlight coming in and killing the vampire

and then he sat down on the

stool and then it became ugly

and then it

became the audience turned on him and then

at the end the

crazy thing was

after i got off

stage it was like a half an hour be raiding him

and just exposing what he does and what’s

wrong with what he does and you’re not an artist

you’re a fucking

minor bird and you repeat

things that

other people say

and you do what you take credit for

their work you don’t even

understand what comedy is

you don’t even

understand the fucking language because you

never learned it because you just repeat what

other people say

you’re a person

speaking a language you don’t

understand literally

the audience is

going crazy

this asshole so nuts he wants to

perform after this right

he went on to you remember that

i remember he

tried to do comedy comedy

yeah it for like ten minutes

i actually have lost footage that way

people were going

while he’s doing a set and he kept going

and then when he walked out

it was like the end of friday or something like devo

just got beat up and everybody was getting

their kicks

that dude look

you carlos everybody

did and then

and then when i got the boot man he

came back around on everybody yeah oh yeah he pulled me

that to me man

he pulled me to run is easy

aside he’s like bro

wow it’s like

what do you want you know and then me and

steve asked him honestly we’re like

then tell us

about this bed tell us

about that but just like with marin he has

they should

have the comedy

store should have

the comedy store should

have comedy

shore freud

hello freud

that’s what it’s

gonna be after mitzi

dies paul is

gonna rename it

the what they

should have done is they

should have stepped in

and even if they wanted to keep me banned

because i was filming

there and they don’t want me filming that’s fine

but you got to make sure you don’t

have him headlined the next weekend

and you don’t get on stage

and say this is my guy i’m with carlos

which is what he did

what they did was support the worst

vampire in the business

and let everybody feel helpless

and let everybody know that even though you are

successful and you do have

things going on you can

still get your life fucked with

by somebody who’s more

successful right

and you can see that there

are people that really do try to sabotage your career

if you expose someone for being a

piece of shit and a thief

and someone who’s a

direct indirect

opposition of

what this art form is supposed to be all about

which is you creating and forming your own shed and

bring it out on

stage and people appreciating your work

that you ever talk

after that you were with gersh at the time weren’t

you yeah i’m

still friends with

my agent at the time i don’t even want to mention

his name because he’s a good guy yeah fucked up

and he got in a bad situation and

they made him choose the agency made him choose between

carlos and me

and they only had me for

stand up comedy they had him for

stand up comedy and

television and film

and so they were making more money off

him than i was and

they wanted me to either apologize to him or they were

gonna have to let me go did you guys ever talk again

i ran into him

we were on a flight once and we sat next to each other

we were flying to you and

mincia no no no no my

agents no that’s what i meant no

have you ever seen

great movies

i get nothing to say to him

and he knows

everything he’s gonna say to me he’s not

gonna be real anyway it’s just gonna be noise

to try to make

everything better and that’s not gonna happen

yeah so he’s gonna just come over and try to groom me

like the little beta monkey try to pick

little bugs off the alpha

he’s gonna come over and try to be nice to me and i’m

gonna go come on man let me get out of here

while you’re still doing this

i can’t talk to you good luck with your life bonnie

freddie motherfucking lockhart you’re a bad dude

you’re a kick ass comedian you’re a cool

guy and i’m glad we finally got you on the podcast dude

thanks for having

me man thank

you very much

man anytime

more than welcome to come back man you were awesome

you’re a lot of fun

thank you everybody for tuning in

cap city comedy club this weekend

thursday friday and saturday for me

and for joey

diaz and for little esther

and if you want to

catch freddy lockhart he will be at the world

famous comedy

store this weekend friday and saturday night

around 10 o’clock

call find out what’s up find out who

the other lineup is

see if you want to

catch yourself some

al madrigal

see if you want to see some john

capo rulo lay it down there’s a lot of good

talent there and

that’s it so we will see you

this is the only one we’re

gonna do this week cause i

gotta go to austin but i’ll be back next tuesday

and we’ll see you guys then hopefully with bobby lee

bobby get back to me you fucking freak

everybody on twitter on facebook

contact bobby lee

tell that motherfucker to get

on the podcast he’s supposed to be doing it soon and

that’ll be a lot of fun

thank you very much

brian rikkel

redband com

for running shit in the

background and making sure the

sound is in order

and as always

oh thanks to the

flashlight for

sponsoring this podcast

flashlight com

flashlight com if you go to joerogan

net there is a link

you can click that and

enter in the code rogan you get 15

off bitches and

get your freak on

on the crazy fake pussy

thanks for tuning in see you next week

love you bitches later

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