the joe rogan experience
recording are we recording just to the mp3 oh shit mp3
holla i’m here three pm
johnny pemberton is all up in this bitch
so is joe rogan holla back
let’s do it
here we go buy it use it break it fix it
trash it change it mail upgrade it charge it
point it zoom it press it snap it work it quick
erase it right
get it paste it save it load
it check it quick rewrite it plug
it play it burn it rip it drag it drop it zip
unzip it lock it fill it cool
it find it view it coded gem and lock it surf it
scroll it pose it click it cross it
crack it twitch update it name it read it tune it
print its can it send it fax me name it touch it
bring it down babe
watch it turn it leave it stop for a minute
if it’s tough or mad at
technology that’s
that’s a song that’s not really
a song strange it turns into
more of a song but yeah
it starts out just words
right are there electronic words right
yeah so it is sort of
a musical note right yeah
sort of i mean it’s electronic right
yeah it’s instructions
yeah it’s like digital music
right i mean it isn’t right it’s a sound
it’s in harmony it’s music yeah that’s daft
punk punk technology
and actually did you know daft punk did the
whole new tron movie coming out that the
whole entire soundtrack for it that’s
crazy i live with it
it’s kind of interesting now these digital musicians
you know because they’re
legit musicians
and for the longest time a guy who even played
keyboards you remember when jump came out for van halen
and everybody was like
what the fuck is all this
duh duh duh
duh that’s like
electronic bullshit
that’s not fucking rock and roll
rock and roll
guitar just to legitimize
guitars and fucking
drums and shit that’s hard you feel the echo that the
chords actually ring
we won’t get food
again it’s not
but man shit has come a long way
now it’s like an art form
of itself you know
digital music is legit now
that we want your soul song that we played here before
yeah i fucking love that song man
that song creeps me out man
yeah it’s a good song
before we go any further
let’s introduce our guests he is johnny pemberton
you may have
known him or may know him from mtv’s mega drive
and i’m watching a video of it right now
it’s available online
and he gets in some fucking dope ass orange
badass dick mobile
i don’t know what it is but it looks awesome
the sports car
yeah this is we have to say before we go
any further our podcast is sponsored by the flashlight
have you ever used one of
these fella
i have not you ever touched one
i haven’t touched one nobody’s
had sex with that so you can put
your finger inside of
it they are
our only sponsor
for the show
and they’re really nice guys we hang out
with them when we’re in austin they’re fucking great
chris chris
marcus one of
the guys who works the company has actually
been on the podcast
so self defense version of that something where
it looks like
self defense
clock somebody with that over the head you know
it would be better for his
metal instead of fake
pussy so to do
or if you had the container
with some sort of like
shards on the outside of it you
could be yeah i
guess that’s
just a weapon that’s like a cudgel then you’re
going back in time if you’re
gonna have something this big shouldn’t you have a gun
maybe maybe you can’t have a gun i don’t know guns
aren’t that
cheap and that’s
not that expensive
in bed or something
that’s true
but a lot of people
sleep with a gun
under their pillow
talk about having some fucking
crazy dreams that’s
how about that suck
roll over in your you
sleep and you feel the cold gun like oh yeah it’s
under my pillow
i’m paranoid
about having a gun in my
house just because if i come home too
stoned or drunk one day i’m like who for guns
can imagine having it
in bed when you’re half asleep
going really
can you get that stoned
well i mean
drunk and drunk and
stone together i
guess yeah that’s a not a good
combo it’s like
you’re enlightened and you’re sure of it
right i’m scared i
like shoot somebody
that is what it is
right drunk and
stone is like you’re enlightened and you’re arrogant
about it it’s like you’re
tuned into the
universe and you’ll want everybody to know come on man
i got fucking tuned in
so what was this orange car that i’m
watching you
drive this fucking insane
sports car that is a
spiker c eight
lobby a lot
it’s like a custom made
sports car cost like
three hundred thousand dollars something like that damn
it’s like the
whole inside is bespoke
and it was really nice it was kind of
thing where
i was one of the few
things i was really afraid to
drive because
unlike you know
three hundred thousand dollar
scoop loader or something
those things are
meant to get
dirty and kinda
right and kick it but this thing
i sat on the hood of it and
afterwards he was like you realize you could have
destroyed that car just
because it’s aluminum
yeah you can’t sit on someone’s hood when they got a
300 000 car
i kind of like
i’m looking at you
right now son
is laying on it
are you fucking evenly distributing my weight oh
you’re like a geisha
you would even
crush a pea i was laying upon it
it’s like the princess and the pea
that’s how it was that story
he sort of she chastised me for that because
i guess even a dent
would be paying for it yeah man you can’t
be fucking with a car like this you’re supposed to
drive it gingerly did you go off the
track at all we did
he was driving and we
tried to do the
stunt where
we pulled it onto a moving red carpet where
you might be able to see this i’m
watching you put
nails out for somebody that was for my car we
hadn’t raced my car
which is 1990
it’s a 2001
honda accord
why did you have them blow out your tires
oh cuz why not i
guess you know just for a tv show
it’s not like it’s that shit’s dangerous
though isn’t it
he’s a professional driver
so he had it
but he had no idea that you were
gonna do that to him
and it was really your car he
had some idea of something’s
gonna happen okay yeah so he knew
they sign away everything
of course yeah
that’s what they did on fear factor to sign away
everything but so
tell me the premise of the
series cause
i’m seeing you
right now you got to
drive this killer car
and then you fuck up your car
it’s pretty simple the premise it’s
one of those
things where
it’s very simple it’s also kind of hard
to explain as soon as people see it like oh i get it
right away somebody
said the video but
basically i
travel around the country
and i drive or fly or
go inside of different sort of
weird vehicles like submarines or
tanks stunt planes
fighter jets anything like that all kinds of
weird stuff
and i meet the guys who
own operate or have
built these
things and i
kinda you know get to know him
um get to know the
vehicle and then i
learn how to
drive and i
get a little when you’re
driving this 300 thousand dollar car i’m
watching now
you guys are driving it up a ramp onto a moving
truck that’s
where we almost
crashed oh my god i’m
watching it
right now went sideways and spun out yeah and he was
he was freaked out that was that was about
that was the dumbest idea ever
the fucking ramp had a carpet on it the
carpet sliding
on a moving red carpet
that was ridiculous
son well that’s the big
point of the show is like we do all
these things
that you’re not supposed to do with these
vehicles so it’s like top gear for retards yeah
i don’t know but
for retards not to
retards for me yeah
it’s my kind of retard
not retarded like real like
down syndrome
but retarded like i’m a retard
and the whole idea is that i really have no
i’m not a good driver i’m
not a professional driver and we know i’m doing it all
you must be getting better all this
driving though i’m getting better i feel like i can opt
during these zombie
apocalypse i’ll be able to jump into one of
36 different
vehicles and operate them to plow i think
on a racetrack like this like what you’re here
right now this looks like a fucking fun
place to drive
a fast car it was pretty fun having a fast car on the
street is kind of
stupid you know because if you
crashed into
somebody god you feel like such a douchebag
yeah you can’t
open it up either you can’t really let it let it out
right but having
something like this like you’ve got here on this track
that must be so much fun i need to do that
that’s something you need to do you could
probably easily do that like you rent the track yeah
and you just run a car
right to let you run on your poor you
bring your own car yeah
i want to get like a nice
honda civic
just ready to die
honda civic
you can just
destroy it to
death now you look like such a nice young man
you look like like a very friendly
not violent
not crazy person
i’m a friendly guy
i’m a friendly guy but
you like to
smash i am i
definitely there is
definitely is a
you don’t necessarily get what you see with me
fully so a lot of people are
shocked when i
you know say fuck or something like that
right so wait
who what are you so it’s kind of
cool for you hosting the show you know yeah it’s really
great because to me it’s
you know i’m a
stand up comedian
stuff so that’s what i
do normally
would be doing anyways is just
running my mouth right
and being a smartass
which is kind of the
what i do on the show
essentially
we’re actually doing a show tomorrow
night together
we’re both yeah
we are at the hollywood yeah
this is like the
ultimate promo show
right here for the hollywood yeah
yeah it’ll probably sold out so if you want tickets
you gotta jump on that shit
they sell that
place out every week that
they have this
thing called comedy juice
if you’re ever
in hollywood and you’re
around on wednesday
nights there’s a 10 o’clock show at the improv
very good and they get like some of the best
comics in the world
yeah tomorrow
is natasha ligero
brett weinbach
i think who else is doing it
both but they’re both amazing so
yeah there’s a lot of good
talent in hollywood
and you know they need to work shit out and that’s
where we usually go
wednesday night
at that place is a good
place to work
that’s where i was going
i always wanted
whenever i go
on the road if i have to do like a weekend
you know if we do like a
bunch of shows i always want to like
knock the dust off
first i always want to do like a wednesday
night show that to me
my shows always go better when i do something like that
so the improv is perfect for that
that’s a great
place to fuck around yeah
better at the
crowds a random bar
yeah these fucking
the problem of
these bar places
like these bar comedy
shows that people are doing
this is still a bar man
freddy soto said it best god
bless his soul
he was when he was like god
bless his soul that freddy
sound like my
grandmother
he was an awesome dude
what else can you say he’s a
great guy he passed away
years ago but he
would get offered all the time to do
these comedy clubs
like not comedy clubs rather but a comedy show a comedy
night at mcfuckle hut
bar down the
street and he
would say no
thank you i
appreciate the offer but
you know i only do comedy clubs
that’s really the really way you
should do it you know
it would be nice i mean i wish i
could say that but
i mean i i i
feel like i owe a lot of my comedy to doing
the learning how to do comedy
in the worst
place in the
whole fucking universe which is
the big fish bar and
grill in glendale
which we used to do show
our friend doug did
show their every
doug and david did show there
every single tuesday
and this was like
there’s this was in a
total locals bar
right anyone who walked in there
who was doing anything
other than who
was if you didn’t know
if they didn’t know you like look at you like you’re
crazy let alone a fucking comedy show where
half the comedians are open micers and
stuff and so it was really
that was like being purified through
pain for like two years so i feel like there’s nothing
i went there was
a good point
i went there
once for a show and
that’s the only time i’ve ever been to this place and
like tim and tim and eric did a set
yeah well and i
didn’t character or
yeah they didn’t this was like
three years ago four years ago
right yes i know them i met him because he’s the
used to be hosted by doug
was one of my best friends doug lesson hop in denver
and doug works on the tim and eric
show he’s editor on
right at the
show so sort
of like it’s all coming together hang out zone for them
cool so this
this mega drive show that you do
you’ve actually done
fighter jets
too and you puked didn’t you when you did it or
i didn’t puke in the
fighter jet because this was the
second thing we flew
the first thing was the
stunt plane that did like
i can do every possible
thing in the air that
it doesn’t seem
possible even he let me fly it too
he’s like you have the
stick you have control
so i’m sitting
there like really and he’s like yeah just pull back
you pull back and you
literally just does a loop
no problem it’s easier than a
video game but i did
throw up in that thing
all over the place
i did a loop in fa 18
man i did a whole run
a ride with the blue
angels it was one of one of
the bits that i did and one of my past specials was
about it about how fucking
crazy the experience is
but that ultimately
pussy’s better
for no reason to really fly that fast
right now yeah
cause there’s
other shit you can do here that’s way better it’s
scary but it’s not like
the same thing it’s
pretty intense though the physical demands that’s what
freak me out i always thought
for some reason it was like driving a car
you know you just kind of
steer your whole
body and you
never really get that far
or that fast
where there’s a lot of g
force on your body and you mean
even if you really stop the gas what is that like a
tenth of your body weight coming at you like wow really
threw me back in my seat
you don’t even know what
throw you back in your seat is
until you’re in like a fucking
fighter jet
like six g six g turn
where you can’t
even move your arms and you have to do that like the
the special breathing
i think i got the six and a half or seven g’s
before i couldn’t take anymore
that was hard
but it’s good because i’m short
because fighter
pilots are supposed to be
under six feet tall because
the amount of pressure
for them it’s so intense because
the blood has
traveled further to
their brain
so they blackout
quicker you do a
thing called hooking and this is what you really
do you hold on to your seatbelt or you hold onto the
stick and you go like this
and you’re forcing blood into your face
you’re forcing in your head you going
and his plans going
the fucking pressure is insane
and it literally is like closing an elevator door
it’s like your consciousness you can see it black
and black sides and you’re
fighting it off
this guy could go to thirteen g’s the
fighter pilot wow that’s fucking incredible
he goes to thirteen g’s without a pressure suit
they have suits where you can go more g’s but he
wasn’t wearing a g suit those blue
angels don’t wear them or they didn’t at the time
those little
red bull racer
planes those things pull
like 20 g’s regularly
how do you stay conscious i don’t get it
i mean i think sky bees part of the g students the
training it’s all the
i don’t know how you stay conscious
that’s retarded i went
unconscious accidentally
because there was more gs than i expected
i did the higher
thing but then we were coming in
we pulled this really hard one
and i don’t know how many gs it was when i
blacked out really yeah how long were you
out for a second
wow i don’t know it wasn’t long but it was like whoa
that’s a crazy
blackout to come back from like
what happened
what yeah he said i just went out for a couple
seconds but i felt it like i felt
popping back on you know when the g
force leveled out
but it’s because i didn’t do the hooking thing
do they doing those
those one g barrel rolls
we did everything we did
this we did loops we did
this we strafeed this
there’s like this mountain canyon and he
simulated what it
would be like if you were in afghanistan or
so this is actually before the war this is like 99
and he simulated what it
would be like hills
cause we’re
going about
two hundred
three hundred feet
above the ground you cool
with that oh man
i’m like through
three hundred feet that’s a lot
right we’re good
right alright come on let’s do this he’s fucking
well you know what this guy is fucking
this guy’s like straight top gun he’s like one of
those real guys you know real fucking
fighter pilot
they’re all
crazy like that
we’re going into the mountains like
going around these fucking that shit’s cool
200 feet above the ground man
whipping through
it was so crazy and then they have these targets
they do it out in the desert between vegas and la
and they have these
targets all laid out on the ground
where they practice dropping shit on so other
you know at this air force base other
fighter jets you know the blue angels don’t i don’t
think they drop bombs yeah they’re just
x fighters yeah but so they have like practice
ranges man they’re fucking
dropping bombs out there in the desert
like dummy bombs you know
look working on their accuracy it is one
thing when i was in the this is like a czechoslovakian
fighter j called l
thirty nine
you can do this barrel roll where they keep it at at uh
at gravity so there’s no
they do it just enough to
where there’s it’s the same amount of gravity
would fill on earth even though you’re upside down
wow so you feel like
you could throw a ball in there it would come back down
the same as on earth because these what
it’s some sort of very regimented type of barrel roll
where you’re pulling out
you know that whole theory like so you’re
completely upside down but because the momentum of the
plane going down
right you can
you can be upside down and
throw a ball up and it will come back
right right your hand i mean it’s
they have to keep the role
going to maintain it
it’s like you know those
spaceship designs the giant wheel where they spin
just enough to keep gravity on the outer rim
it’s like isn’t that that’s in 2001 isn’t it i
think it’s basically that it’s like
centrifugal
force or something
that’s amazing that was so cool that was really cool
just the fact that someone figured that you
could do that and then they
tried it out and then they figured
out exactly how to pull it off
and information
upside down
throwing something up the end it comes
right back to you just as if you were
right side up wow
that’s fucking nuts it was cool
i fucking i i don’t know if i
would be i i’m not i don’t have enough
self control to be doing a show like that
i’ll do something
stupid i did take a couple of shits in the woods
when i had to
when you had to yeah that’s
about it and you’ve
wrecked a few
things though
you’ve actually have
mtv has they have
their full episodes on
mtv but they also have
this whole thing
where the things you’ve
wrecked yep
i mean like
wreck wrecked i
guess it’s kind of
different levels the very
first day we shot was was that like rape rape yeah
i don’t know it was just the head
it wasn’t like a
full wreck wrecked
and i didn’t destroy anything nothing was like
destroyed like okay it’s totaled
but the very
first day i
crashed an aerial atom
that was totally by accident
cause i was trying to you know
go a little faster johnny on this curve so
it looks better and like okay fine
what’s an aerial
adam it’s this little race car it’s an open air it’s
basically a fucking go kart with a really big
honda engine in it
that goes what
that’s so sick it goes so fast it’s tiny
it’s a cage just
basically a cage around wheels
and they have exposed
all the suspension and
everything is exposed
so it’s just the wheels and
these rods and
shit and you know this little cone of a body
it’s like there’s nothing there
and it goes like 0 60 faster than any
street legal car did
you hurt yourself doing that no
i was super i mean so
lucky it’s like
you know first day
stroke of luck
where i happened to hit the very last
few inches of the warning
guard that has like a
bunch of tires
stacked up so we rammed in
these tires which are
soft and cushiony but just a few
it was inches the
wheel got hung up inches away
from where it would have
smashed into this big metal
galvanized steel
guard rail so
that would have
fucked you up to
right in that little
thing we’re only
going like 30 or 40 but i would have
fucked us up a little bit at
least would have
fucked the machine up and
i would have been
sort of in trouble
so you get in
trouble if you crash
but you’re not
supposed to know what you’re doing that’s the
thing it’s like i don’t get in
trouble it’s actually like
the mtv gets in
trouble but the producers are like thank you
thank you for doing really
so they’re happy there’s controversy because that’ll
cause more people to
watch it yeah it’s more fun
with stephen
do they should
happens do they give you instruction like hey don’t get
crazy go out there and do this or what do they
say to you i mean in general it’s sort of like just
have fun but try not to kill anybody
yeah you have meetings with you like all
right johnny yeah we
make sure we’re all on the same page here we have
safety meetings like
these were the cameras are
gonna be these are where
you know you
don’t don’t go over there i’m always on walkie so
for most times so there’s
pretty it’s pretty safe at the same time it’s also
sounds like a cool
ass show though it was incredibly fun to make is also
really scary sometimes
it sounds like
a more interesting
idea than like the top gear show
i love that show i
think that jeremy
clarkson guys hilarious yeah he’s really
great i guess there’s an american version
that’s gonna
make one now
but jeremy clarkson is so awesome i don’t know why you
would need to make an american version
but the point is that he’s at his best when he’s
reviewing crazy cars
but they have to review a lot of shit like
normal cars
they spend a lot of
their time reviewing like
trucks and shit
you know this is a minivan
and here’s why it’s so
you know that’s not interesting to me i
wanna see him in ferraris
you know when he’s in ferraris are it’s awesome
right screaming the guy
legitimately he’s in his fifties
legitimately loves cars you can so sing it
he just he’s singing it when
he’s when he’s when he’s in the cars like yelling out
like he loves
it like it makes it fun and people people love
anything that goes forward on
wheels at all they
freak out about
we went to this like this rally
in where is it like someplace in florida
tarpon springs florida i think
and they have
this used to be
swamp buggies
i’ve never seen this in my life it looks like a
giant like rocket
will have these flat
wheels on each side
and they can go 70
miles an hour and like four feet of
standing water wow
and like what the fuck
there’s like
thousands of people here thousands of rednecks
going crazy in
these campgrounds around this
mud bog and have all these
different heats and races
must be like
a couple hundred
maybe at least a hundred
these things there
i’ve never even
heard of it my entire life yet this is like
some someone’s life you know this is
two hundred thousand dollars on this thing
this is not so far removed from some sort of a fucking
scene in the hobbit movie
you stumble upon
some strange
village of a
bunch of weirdos doing
something that no one ever
expected i felt i felt very out of
place there i had like some
yeah i was just constantly i felt like how
the hills have
eyes always like people looking at me like
look at that boy down there we’re
gonna cut him up
have a haircut
we got a faggot
on the march
room around here
i felt a little bit
intimidated
there’s a lot of
those people out there oh yeah
that’s what people don’t realize
cause they’re not represented
that well in the
media but there’s a fucking lot there’s more than us
yeah yeah most likely definitely
yeah right yeah
well that was
where i got an accident
during that
shoot actually i was driving this little
weird different kind of mud but it
doesn’t go as fast and i
the thing doesn’t have
brakes by some
special invention of the clutch and gas you can
you know down
shift to make it stop but i totally forgot that
was leaving the
water and i
smash right into this guy’s
brand new like f
three fifty or something like that
brand new i
smash right into it and was like all
sudden people
started coming out of the woods or like
what this guy what this guy do over here
get a rope new york city get a rope
he was being
lynched on these
these redneck
campgrounds in florida
but luckily i got
do you have
like bodyguards or any kind of security on the
staff to just in case help
you at all i mean
not even one there’s
peep there’s pas and
stuff obviously but that
who knows if they
would be able to stop the redneck mob that wanted to
destroy me for hitting the truck but
everything worked out you know we
settled up with them and
everything but it was a little
scary for about fifteen
seconds i was like this is
some strapped into this thing
god damn dude
yeah i was a little
spooky i think that’s on next week’s episode
i’m pretty sure yeah
or was that the most
freaked out you ever were um
no i think it’s the most
freaked out probably with this crane
um yeah okay
that’s a good premise with that
the crane because
there’s like a man
basket or a man bucket they call these the
thing you know like the cherry picker like
the send the guy up to wherever so this is
seventy a cherry picker it’s like you know ten times
is high and
how high well this
thing can go like a thousand feet or something
but i wasn’t that high
dude there was a
video of these russian kids have you seen that
video these kids 900 feet on this
building construction they’re walking out on
these beams yes and 900
feet core kids kind of or no no no
no no no no no no no no no
these are just
that were just
standing there
it was so high up they were just standing
and they’re
standing on
these beams and you can’t
watch it without
making a walnut
crushing motion with your asshole
you know you just tighten up and like oh my god just
watching the
video is such a
fucking freak out i’ve seen a
video like that
where it was either hiking or bike riding on these like
small pass on the side of this mountain
and the guy had like a cam on him
or he’s just walking
thousand thousand feet up and then you
could just see holes in the stone like
thing that he’s just
forget that
something about heights it really really
freaks people out it’s like
nature’s trying to tell you hey stu
but don’t go anywhere fucking near
that you can’t get used to i mean you can get
used to it but if you are used to it there’s something
yeah weird about that you got issues son yeah
there’s something
wrong with you i
could look out the second
window of the second
floor and i get scared
yeah that’s terrifying
so you were higher than that so this was at 900 feet
that were you that high there was two different
things that
was i was about maybe
200 feet when i was in this
peter pan costume
and i was like flying over this lumber yard
fucking with people and i also did this thing
where i pretended
to be a guy who worked there and i kept
descending from the roof taking people’s receipts and
there are different
things and just you know
it was like a little
kind of drop in maneuver and the exit of the
building that was fun
that was crazy
yeah but that was i was in a harness
with an invisible
cables so that was
that was pretty fucking
scary are those comfortable at all
it was really uncomfortable but it’s
like it would be a serious ball
crusher it was
as much a ball
crusher as it was like a
chest and body
crusher really
and also it’s it feels nice though
when it’s tight because if it’s not tight it’s like
you know fuck it
has to be so
crazy so you’re just
wearing some suit with wires attached to the suit yeah
and it’s connecting you to how long is the wire
uh the wire i mean
i don’t know probably a hundred feet or so
the fuck 100
feet of wire and
200 feet above the ground
yeah something like that we
would drop down to the ground and
stuff but at one
point i was
maybe not 200 feet
it’s tough to say
because it’s 60 feet and 200 feet
they’re all
kind of the same because you’re all pretty much
gonna die if you fall so
there’s like
your brain stops
carrying after a certain
point i think we used to do these
stunts on fear factor
where we would have
these people like
walk across beams across two
buildings and to this day
thinking about looking over
those edges just
thinking about
every now and then i look over the edge
you know just
thinking about that
right now makes my
whole body go
what the fuck you doing what the fuck you doing
get away from there
yeah so unnatural
such a it’s such a like
primal feeling
you know it’s your body
going no stupid get away from there
anytime i’m in a
hotel like over a certain amount of floors you
dude freaky
i can’t do that shit i like it i
think it’s gonna
enjoy it but
you’re like being
scared enjoy the rush
yeah like freaking the shit out myself i just
are you a daredevil with other
things do you do like
skateboarding or anything
other another
crazy no condom not really
only in me right
i used to do a lot of rock
climbing stuff as a
kid and bungee jumping and crap but oh yeah i feel like
honestly i feel like when i
started doing comedy that sort of
i stopped i stopped doing that
stuff because i feel like comedies is one of the best
best russia
is yeah that’s way
better than almost anything and it only kill your soul
right yeah won’t kill your body
i saw a video
of a dude bungie jumping once and that was it for me
he miscalculated the amount
of bungie he needed and he hit the fucking ground hard
did he die no
it was even
worse than dying
cause his whole body was just broken
and he’s screaming in agony
and then he bounces and hits it again
and then he’s
screaming in agony
he’s just broken
broken arms broken
legum he hits this
motherfucker
hard and rocks he’s wearing a camera
oh shit so it’s all on camera listen
listen you see
this camera
here it’s horrendous this the pain
of this guy’s feeling
you can tell when he hits a
second time
cause he’s already broken
everything in his fucking body in the
first one cause the bungee
cord didn’t really break
he basically jumped off a bridge and just
it really didn’t stop him at all
so this motherfucker slams the ground with
three quarters of whatever
velocity that you
would normally have
so he’s jacked
everything’s broken
he bounces up in the air and then when he hits it again
the oh my god
why me it was that you said that no but you
can feel that you know what i’m saying no way
but telling you how
and that was it for me
i was like no bungee
jumping thank you very much this
woman that worked with my dad a while
back was always trying to get her him to do
skydiving and then so he was actually
considering it
until she died
oh my god she died
skydiving yeah
the parachute malfunction and then i
guess the backup parachute
tangled in with
the other parachute or something and
she just died she died of a cliche yeah
god damn that’s fucking
scary see that’s a shit
how often does that happen i
think it happens a lot more than you
think because you
would think you would hear
about that on the news if that
happened but everybody’s
like yeah you got two parachutes what are you
worried about
right oh nothing just falling from 10 000 feet
slowly i did
bunch of jumping
in switzerland once
and it was in
this in the mountains in this chasm like this
a chasm over like a this
this freezing cold river
and off a little bridge and it was you know like
gonna do this
on my birthday was my friend you know we’re
traveling so
i did it it was fucking awesome
i found out
afterwards though
we’re talking to the guy
after you know the guy who ran the
whole operations like yeah so how long
how long is this
this said i’ve been here it’s like eight days
fucking eight days we’re like
maybe like in the tens of people who’ve been off this
thing he’s like oh no
we tested it out a
lot we tested it out of time we put like body armor on
stuff and like
oh my god and he said like this is the closest jump
at that time
in existence that you came
closest to the rocks than any
other bungee
jump oh that seems like a
good idea but
i wish i’m glad i
learned it afterwards not before
oh my god it was
still great that was incredible
there’s a great
picture of me
you know how you’re
supposed to do this with your hands as you go down
somehow instinctively
i’m just grabbing my fucking balls
and even i’m
head down grab my balls that’s the
picture of me
bunch of jumping
wow yeah that’s fucked up hey john
are joe here’s a fun fact
about johnny he does not have a butthole
i have a butthole
oh but you got it removed
no jesus christ you got this all wrong
that right there someone edit this
someone cut and paste this somewhere
this is the classic
brian moment
well i think
this is how
rumors get started i’ve never
heard that in my entire life that’s pretty incredible
remember that song rumors
this is how rumors get started
started by jealous people it should
say jealous people and
brian cause
brian would just start
that shit up well what i said is
i don’t have a colon
i don’t have a colon i do have a sphincter
and everything works fine
you don’t have a
colon no i have a colon i had ulcerative
colitis for about 10 years or so
and maybe a little more in that i
guess yeah about 10 years
and if you have ulcerative
colitis which is like a horrible
disease of your colon your large intestine it’s like
makes it all
so you have
to shit all the time and like really fast and it’s just
generally bad
wow so i had that for a long time but if you have
ulcer class
for a long time
the thing is the longer you have it the more
chances of you getting
colon cancer like triple
every single year
so the idea is you get it
taken out and then
it’s better
because you don’t have like this fucking shitty
shitty organ shitty
the puns are like
limitless so
how does it change the way your body functions
where your digestive
system works i mean it basically
it changes a lot of
things but it
doesn’t change that much from how it was
before because
it’s actually a lot better
you know i still poop out of my asshole
and but i just get dehydrated cry
faster than
how rude of you describe it that way
isn’t it funny that there’s
rude ways to say
things like that i
guess i could
say this how i
still defecate
from my anus pastel
from my sphincter
anal sphincter
muscle and yeah
so where does it go like what’s the
colon what’s the primary use
i’m ignorant
primary use of your
colon is sort of to one to extract
water hydrate
you so it like it um
this extracts
water for your body
which your body needs water
it also extracts a lot of vitamin d
i think vitamin a and
maybe something else and
generally just aids and
digestion like you know extracting the
stuff from your food that you used
your body uses so
it’s not like it’s not
necessary to have obviously cause i’m
still alive
right now so
but it definitely is a good
thing to have if it works
to me i probably go the bathroom
i probably been the bathroom more in my life than
you guys will ever in your entire fucking life so how
often do you take dumps
depends it depends it depends on like what i eat
and like how much i’ve been
drinking and you know
what’s the average number a day
god i don’t know it’s so hard to
think about this
because it’s like so if you say for like 50 i’m just no
no no maybe
like it’s in the
middle of this show to take a shit
would be so awkward
i’ll probably i’ll do it for you if we
drop something i just want to be clear
about this if you’re doing it you’re doing it for you
yeah okay i want i won’t
i won’t take a shit for you guys i promise yeah
oh man they like
take a shit for you yeah guys i
got a good one ready to go
take a shit and it’s just for you it’s got your name on
it i’m gonna write
your fucking name
probably someone out there that
would say something like that there’s a guy you know
once i met a guy like joey diaz i know that there’s
there’s there’s guys out there that you
could never
you can draw them
right yeah they
exist he’s an
interesting guy he’s as interesting as they come
so now where your
colon was before
does it do you have a hole like do you feel there’s a
place missing or does
everything sort of fill in
no it all kind of fills in your body just sort of like
you know it’s like a sack of
flour everything just
settles at the bottom i
guess oh that’s weird
looking at your
body i did have a colostomy bag for like 12 weeks
so you have to have two
surgeries and
you have them
they have to separate them because they have to take
everything down and they have to build
basically have to
build you a fake colon
it’s called
my my case is called the j
pouch and that’s not because my name
is johnny it’s actually called fucking j pouch
ironically enough
but because your pet name yeah
yeah my j pouch
down there that’s what she is pet
name from my
synthetic colon that’s jenny um
oh jenny the jpack
tell you what
jenny takes a lot of shit down there she does but
that’s people
say man it’s kind of degrading shit on a girl like
that but i don’t see it like that we’re helping each
other she’s helping me i’m helping her see
nothing degrading
about this just nature
just just you know it’s a symbiotic relationship
like a clownfish and an anemone
i only met one person ever that had one of
those and it was very strange across
me back yeah
they are incredibly strange it’s the kind of
thing where
it’s the most bizarre
thing ever and
there’s people who live with them that that’s that
their life is they have a colostomy
back and those kind
i just can’t
like for me it was always like this is
you know one more week two more you know sort of
things so it was
pretty easy to bear and i was it
just you know it was pretty
young was living at home so i was like didn’t have to
worry about anything but
god damn if you had
to actually do shit with that if you have to actually
now did you
after you had
these all these health issues did you
radically alter
your diet did you try to
start eating healthier food or
try to yeah i mean well the
thing is is like
with colitis even you have to like be careful because
your body isn’t like
digesting almost anything so really do you have
like a very
limited menu
of things you can eat
i don’t eat really
spicy stuff i take a lot of
fiber i’m very
i can consult on
fiber for an hour you can have me on here as a
fiber consultant maybe
yeah so i think
fibers are very important
it’s very important for everybody
right and it’s super
like a lot of lettuce
and a lot of like broccoli and i take
these like awesome shits
they’re so satisfying they just come out like
your body thank you
blah blah blah blah so easy
but if i just eat like nothing but meat for days
super bad yeah
it just comes out like
just like your body trying to push out poison like
cause it is poison yeah
just ribs barbecued
ribs and sausage and shit like before the show
i came so close there’s an italian deli
not too far
away from here that has this amazing sausage sub
sausage with peppers and i know it’s
terrible for you it
tastes so good terrible for you
smell so good and you can’t get
those here in
california this
place is called cavaretta
if you’re in the valley
there’s no place like that
on the west coast
you don’t get like real italian subs like a real
sausage with peppers with
grilled peppers peppers and eggs
that’s an east
coast thing
yeah that was a
buddy really
new york and as you don’t
peppers and eggs you can’t you can’t get peppers
and eggs here john can’t get peppers and eggs true
it doesn’t seem very good to me though
peppers and eggs is probably the
worst thing i
could possibly eat
peppers and eggs
hot peppers and eggs
would be like
do you try to consume your
nutrients in
juice form do you try to
drink like a lot of
juices i don’t know i try to
eat a lot of
dried fruit and
a lot of oatmeal and
a lot of whole
grain pancakes so you’re doing all
about super
fiber shit yeah
but at the same time i’m also really bad like
i eat all kinds of horrible
stuff and it’s always
this idea well i know this is gonna
i can make me feel like shit but it’s like
whatever i’m not
gonna everything
has a consequence
i feel like so i knew this dude who had diabetes and he
would every now and then he
would go off and
crazy sugar and have a just this fucking horrible
insulin failure
see that’s different you can kill yourself with that
i’m not gonna kill myself eat hot wings do we
just go off
every now and then just couldn’t take it
just go off and get just jack his body
fill it up with the delicious poison
did your farts change at all
that’s that’s actually a
great question brian
that’s a great
question fucking dead serious
folks farts dead
serious really
i don’t actually do a lot of farting anymore
because it’s one of
those things where
if your bowels have been sort of uh
operate upon or mess with in any way like that
you you um you kind of lose the ability to tell
shit from a fart
so in general
you typically just choose not to fart
then oh my god
roll the dice of it
wow you don’t know when farts are coming that’s
crazy well i mean i i do and i don’t i don’t
that might be
the most difficult
thing to describe
ever to someone who knows exactly what you’re talking
about is that feeling that you have
where you know the difference between
shit and a fart
i know the difference
i don’t always know
i had the problem the
other i think i already talked
about in the podcast once as a joke i was
in front of my
girlfriend i
put my hand there and i farted in my hand shit your
hand and i was like
excuse me i’ll be
right back oh wow
and it was like it was supposed to be as a joke
and she knew exactly what happened i did it in
front of her completely naked so hilarious
you shit your own hand
i’ll tell you what the people who have the best
shooting stories in the
whole world or anyone who’s ever done the
peace corps in africa oh no
they’re not talking
about oh man
those people i’ve
never heard such
crazy things in my entire i read a horrible story on
mixed martial arts com
there’s a there’s two forums on
mixed martial arts com one of them is the
underground
which is all
mma type stuff the other ones the other ground
and the other ground is like anything any subject
and one of the stories was
about this poor couple that went to africa
and they were in cape town they were in this really
nice area but the girl wanted to go see the real africa
oh no so that’s the bad bad
phrase yeah that’s what she did she saw the real africa
they went and
they they went into this town and they got carjacked
and they kicked
the driver and the man out of the car kept the
woman and then they shot her in the head
oh so they killed her they killed her oh well hide
yeah and they
found out that the driver was in on it
the driver called the head
and set it up
and that they
weren’t supposed to
go if they’re supposed to kill or not he says
they weren’t but
that’s weird why
would they i
think they would
at least rape her
first well they were saying
at first they were saying that
they thought she was sexually assaulted but then they
kept saying that she wasn’t sexually assaulted but that
could easily be they don’t
want people to know that she was sexually assaulted
you’re not releasing all the information you know out
of respect to the girls family or something like that
right you know it’s a public release i don’t know
the whole thing is fucking
crazy though the
whole thing is
you know that part of the world
it’s completely wild and i don’t
think a lot of people are
aware of it
the idea that the
apocalypse is
gonna happen and it’s
gonna be some
giant event that takes place
like boom here’s the
apocalypse no
the apocalypse sort of
is us being
aware of how fucked up parts of this world are
like horrific
horror movie
john carpenter
zombie type shit that’s what africa is
there’s parts of africa
like liberia
we talked about this on the show before
where there’s
rampant cannibalism
there’s this vbs
tv documentary the vice
guide to liberia
and it will make you shit your fucking pants yeah
they’re talking
about killing children and
drinking their
blood they kill the
blood of the innocent children to make them immortal
this creepy
crazy thing
dude that place is
a goddamn monster movie
yeah there’s so many
places like that in africa there’s this guy
who i’m david
axe who was written a
he writes he’s a
war correspondent he’s
traveled all over
the fucking
world like basically in
every conflict
zone you can possibly imagine he has a
this great graphic
novel called war is boring
but it’s all
about like going
these areas like that and just turning a corner
and having you know a jeep
with a machine gun
mounted on it coming
right at you and they’re
ready to kill you and they’re children too
half the time they’re
16 year old kids with
felicia cops
ready to shoot you in the face
yeah that was the premise of that
the character in the
movie lost remember there was that one kid that was
he grew up to be that big
black preacher guy remember right echo
yeah echo exactly
when he was a kid he was
killing people and shit
speaking of loss
have you heard
you have you
heard of these uh
tones that they use uh like spies
and stuff all
right tell the kona
numbers project yeah what is this you guys were
gonna tell me
about right for the podcast but
it was one of those
let’s save it let’s save it
save it so what is this explain i’m
sorry well i mean as far as i know what
reading about it is it’s a
during the cold war
they would use short wave
radio stations
because short wave
radio can travel
all around the
world if you have like the
clouds are right and
everything so
they would send signals to
their spies
and bed in the
field using
shortware radio
like one time shortware
radio broadcasts and they’d have
some sort of a code book
on the receiving end
to decipher these
and they would
loop it you
know kind of like on loss how they had that
transmission
where it was just continuously
looping like the numbers and
stuff like that so
somebody recorded all
these there’s
hundreds of them there’s hundreds and they’re
creepiest yeah some of them
sound like oh they’re an incredible
series you should play
this one here’s one here’s one as an example and that
and this is like kill the president kill the president
kill the president
you know some
of them are just tones and some of them have numbers
so it’s like
seven 24 yeah
and sometimes it’s yeah
but the iridium
and what is the
effect on the
human brain
is this supposed to do something sure
i listened to him the
other day when
i was kind of high and it was
i was having it was
i feel like
just the tones
vague i feel like
because the short wave
radio is like a
smaller frequency
it’s not as big of a
frequency so it’s something like about
some of the tones
to me they sound better there was
a thread that somebody put on my message
board about
wi fi affecting the growth of trees
did you see that
yeah they’re saying that
the trees that
are near wi fi were developing like this coating
like the upper layer of
their skin was
dying but then
other people were saying that this was like
one test they
haven’t replicated
this you can’t really say that it’s from that there
could be other environmental factors
you know you don’t know what’s in the air around there
which is a very good point
but the idea you know that all
these fucking
things that are flying
through the air around us and they’re giving us all
these megabytes of information and instant mean
we’re plugged into the wall
right now but we
could very easily be doing this wi fi easily
so there’s enough information
flying through the air
and some sort of a signal
that you could have a
video that goes through tubes and it gets to
right now 1500 people
all over the world
what does that do in your brain man
i always wonder
about that cause it’s one of
those things
where yeah i
think about
radio waves
radio waves are
being bombarded
with them constantly
right and but there’s no
like we have no idea what the real long term
well it’s not killing everybody
quickly so we know that it’s not like
totally the
worst thing ever for you
it’s not like
super poison
but what if it’s making us change
you know shaping your brain
i mean for real
right what if what if we’re
evolving to be able to handle all this
stuff you know
what if these
these signals in there what
if like one of the reasons why so many people are going
crazy is that
these signals are interfering with the development of
their brain
there’s um there’s this writer i like a lot just guy
james howard
kunsler and he um
he’s like a he’s a new
urbanist writer and he also
writes a lot
about say kunsler his
name is related
to the body part
i don’t know
maybe there’s a little
famous lawyer
the reason why i know is there was a guy
named george the greek
that i knew from new york who was a famous
gambler and pool hustler and
he used to ride horses
for like you know they have the
horse races
he would be in the little
carriage you know they have like a little
carriage they
race i don’t know what they call that kind of racing
harness racing harness racing
thank you well he was such a crug
and this fucking race was so fixed
that he was
standing up trying to pull the
horse back because the
horse was trying to win
so he was fired
and they kicked him out but
he he had william kunsler
kunsler’s taking over my case
these motherfuckers
they don’t know what they got coming to them
i got kunsler
joey diaz’s mom
no no no no no
cigarettes kunsler
he was just what a character this guy was
these all these fucking
guys that i met in the pool halls in new york man you
never met people like this in your life there’s
gamblers people who are addicted to gambling
are some of the most fascinating
motherfuckers ever
they’re all just looking for that fix
they’re all just looking to gamble and they
would always want to gamble a lot of money
there was not
never like i want to i want to bet you
twenty dollars
like you fucking
pussy you got no hot
yeah it’s kool aid
isn’t that shit works
where like your
brain gets more electricity if you
the more you bet and if you lose
that’s a good
thing they still
found out with people who are
gambling addicts is that
they get more more
serotonin or something in
their brain when you lose really
that’s why that’s why it’s such a problem
i try so hard to fix that because it’s fucked up
reverse psychology of it
where that’s
crazy they get
serotonin but that makes
them feel good but gamblers don’t feel good i guess
was there fucking
maybe it’s not serotonin
maybe whatever
maybe dope means it’s some
some brain chemical
to dumbly know
the difference
serotonin dopamine
always in them in my
brain is like oh
these are this is shit that makes you happy yeah
it’s all cocktail is that
all i know is that it kills people
when people do a lot of cocaine it kills that yeah
oh yeah consular consular
fuck this guy
your hot pumps kool aid
this guy this writer
james our consular
he writes a lot about
like the idea of living past peak oil like
when society shut down because of the oils gone and
you’re freaking me out man
this is something that duncan i always
argue about
do you would
now i would love to hear what your take on this
well i mean
i mean he’s of the kurzweilian
all like the proto future
nanobots and all that
stuff but i think
that’s fun to think
about but i
think it’s more
likely that
none of that will happen there will be some sort of
huge sort of
apocalyptic
degradation and
shrinking of society due to
the nature of the lack of oil
was oil powers
everything we have
right so you you’re like did you
watch collapse
yeah i’ve watched that yeah i
love that did
you love it
cause we thought that guy was a goof i mean
we loved it for a little
while but then
like this guy’s a doom and gloom
motherfucker and he’s pissing in his
garden so that he
can grow shit
like this his outlook is so retarded
he’s definitely a doom and
gloom guy and kunsler is somewhere similar to that but
he also talks
about the whole
thing something called the long emergency
which is kind of like what you’re talking
about for like
the apocalypse
it’s probably not
gonna happen
like that it’s
gonna happen over a long period of time gas is
gonna start to get more and more expensive
and less and less people are
gonna be able to afford certain
things it’s just
gonna be a sort
of long it’s
gonna happen over like
40 50 years probably not
yeah long term
thing well you know the idea is that
everything’s
gonna fall apart and then
build back up
again i don’t know if that’s the case yeah
man i don’t know either don’t know i
think there’s
definitely some
validity to the idea
of fossil fuels being a serious problem and
in the development of
technology you know there’s a very obscure
theory about fossil fuels
that it’s not actually fossil fuels yes it’s called the
avian oil theory
right yeah that the
whole earth is
floating on it
i mean somehow or another it’s a natural
product almost like the
blood of the
earth right
natural product of
of the earth
yeah george nori
thinks that but i don’t
think george nori does you
think you can’t
quote him as a source
how dare you i
think it’s kind of i
think it’s bullshit
art bells one
thing you start calling
george nori
i go come on
dude exactly stop it with george nori he believes
everything well that’s what i’m saying
yeah george norway
thinks the avena
oil theory i don’t yeah i
think it’s kind of bullshit because
there’s so much science that says
there’s that it’s
fossils less and less of it and it’s just
we’re not there’s called diminishing returns yeah i
haven’t really researched it enough i know i
have this book in the library somewhere it’s called the
black gold stranglehold and i bought it with
the intention of reading it but
it’s in support of this theory
but i don’t
know if it’s nonsense or not i mean well that’s the
other thing that concert talks about that
made me think
about it so you were talking
about how the
radio waves and
stuff like that and how
maybe it’s changing our brains but
he is fiction books he talks
about like after
you know years after
no electricity
and none of this
stuff being pumped into this weird
waves being pumped in the
atmosphere how
there’s a lot of sort of like
magic comes
about because previously
in our lives like
right now we’re being bombarded by all this imagery
and sound and
noise and just general like
noise through advertisements and just everything
and how if that all fell away then maybe
maybe there was some part of our
brain that would unlock that
would you know
bring about
things that i
guess you would consider
magic but maybe it’s not magic
maybe it’s something you know
the idea of like telekinesis or anything like that
where maybe that that
stuff is being held back because of
abundance of
technology i
think that i
think about
that definitely
you know like i bet we have if we they
weren’t bombarded so much with all this crap
would have probably different
senses yeah
never be powers but you know yeah i don’t mean
there’s an idea
that before there was a real society
like set up the way you know
we have in villages or in you know and
the way we have in cities obviously
they think that before that when people were
hunters and gatherers they had a much more finely tuned
sense of the whole
environment around them and you know
shamans in the
in the amazon rather they’re always talking
about how the
plants and the trees talk to them
and that’s the
whole way they believe that they created
ayahuasca the shamans tell you that the trees told them
how to mix all this shit together that’s the
is that the peruvian
stuff what is that
peru and in brazil
it’s the drink
the hallucinogenic drink
but i mean look if you
were just living only in tune with the forest you know
back when we were fucking
weirdo hunter gatherer type dudes just
moving around hunting and
sleeping in
tents and shit
you know it’s very possible that we
would have had different
senses totally different like feel for
everything maybe yeah like there was like a
thing where you
could actually talk to animals back in the day it was
but it was so
quiet but it was so
quiet and just
a little whispered
but now that you don’t even know that
sounds ridiculous to us now that we
cause we can’t do it
but think about like the appendix
yeah exactly the appendix is an
organ that existed
because we were
breaking down like all this really porous shit
bone and a lot of
fiber to right
like plant serious
fiber yeah like fucking chewing trees
yeah so we had an
organ that was designed to process all that crap
we were basically eating like
cows you know we were eating whatever the fuck we could
and we had an
organ for that shit
but now we don’t
now it’s falling off it’s useless
it’s very possible that we just forgot that we ever
could do that
that we really
could like tune into the woods
there was a guy on that i
wrote it down because i wanted to talk about it
charles carrault
charles carol
he’s the old
journalist yeah
he died not
that long ago yeah
he wrote a story
about some guy who
lived up in alaska and he
would go for
months and months at a time
where he didn’t talk to any people
and he said
after he was up there for a while he
could read the minds of the animals
and then when he came into town
after months and
months living in this cabin
he could read the minds of people but it
would go away
after a while
he also smoked a lot of weed
my man was getting some strong
just eating hash off dead deer heads
all day oh yes
definitely something to that though i feel like because
the same way we’re like
i know when you’re
about you’re typing someone’s
friend’s name and they call you kind of thing well
when you know when someone’s mad
at you yeah
you feel the energy coming off someone
like you know like well this guy’s
upset you know they’re not acting like it
right yeah like what’s
wrong nothing
oh what the fuck is wrong
you know you’re just a
weird energy coming off of you
right you know we can tune into that
stuff if you choose to if you choose to recognize it
you know we
don’t we don’t really know all the the different
subtleties there are in the
senses you know
we’ve got it narrowed down to some
basic ones you know but there’s some
other ones that are go extra
there’s something
weird that happened
that i’ve just realized late recently
regarding your message
board on the same subject
right for about two months
about a year ago
about two months i kept on having this
voice in my head that i need to make a thread that was
titled bad news
like i don’t know why
i don’t but
every day i was on your message
board be like
bad news what
why do i keep on
thinking i need to do that
and the other day i was on your message
board and i looked at one of the
sticky threads
and it said bad news our friend outlaw
you know and
stuff like that
i’m like i want that’s
crazy that i
you know that was the
title of the thread
maybe has nothing
to do with it but i remember there was a
point in my time before outlaw passed
that that same
thing kept on repeating in my head
the idea that i needed to make a
topic that said bad news
that’s crazy yeah
too spooky music
yeah
we’re all guessing as to what reality
truly is we really are
we know that the placebo
effect is real
and we know
that if you tell some people that hey this pill is
gonna cure your disease
things get miraculously cured we know that that happens
placebo is really popular with your bowels too
where is it yeah
seventy percent of
bowlinesses are from our placebo
wow like if
most people have
irritable bowel
there’s something
wrong with your bowels
wrong with your
brain oh i say i was
freaking out
about this or that
right stress
explains everything
it’s like perfectly
taking stress that’s been
tuned into the well they also say that
about back injuries
you know there’s a lot of people that they
believe they have back pain but it’s not really back
pain it’s just they’re suffering through incredible
stress and it’s manifesting itself in back pains that
distracts you
from whatever bullshit you have in your life right
my back but
if the brain can do that
but it can only do that if it’s being tricked
that’s a strange
thing you know
there’s if if
if you have to have utter
confidence in it that’s why i’ve always said that like
there’s there’s a lot of good in
for religion
as like almost like
a scaffolding for your life oh yeah totally because
the reason why
they are so
successful and
there’s so many people that are devout and believe in
it is because it’s produced positive benefits for them
having this in
just unstoppable belief
that there is a higher
power and a
greater good
and that it all works out
in the long run
because god has a plan
it takes a tremendous amount of pressure off you
it allows you to perform better that
confidence allows you to really achieve things
in a lot of people
that they wouldn’t if it was all open
ended question yeah you also can like assign bad
stuff like well you know what i
mind control i
you’re giving up control
right it’s like you know you’re
taking away
right blame and
worry from a thousand
things you can
worry about and be like
i just follow the lord’s
blessings yeah yeah
it’s fascinating
though that the mind has this unlocked or untapped
capability to do things
you know to produce extreme results like
our brains it’s so much of who we are as a
human being is a product of how we were raised in our
experiences
who the people were that around us that we imitated
and all the
things that happened to us that we
learned well i’m not fucking taking my
pants down in
front of that guy
again you know all
these different
things that we
learn with that that that becomes
who we are there’s so many
things that go into that
it’s so strange that when you get to a certain
age you could be fucked up and know you’re fucked up
but you can’t change it
i see certain people that are criminals you know
they’re like fucking
thirty whatever they’re in and out of jail their
whole life they can’t stop they’re just fucked up they
got fucked up
get out and they go back
they do a crime like
week after they get out for
20 years like well
but that’s like
everything like if you date a girl and you
think that she’s
gonna change and
you know like
the program that way shouldn’t you know you
what is wrong with
us that we don’t know us we can always tell you what’s
wrong with this
fucking asshole you know that’s fucking bad
we can’t we don’t know us
where we keep ourselves
from knowing us
so we can’t fix our own issues
a lot of people for most
people right yeah
that’s a weird
thing that we can’t reprogram that
whoever you are whatever happened to you by
the time you were 10 or 15 or whatever the fuck it is
that’s you dude
that’s you you don’t
trust people that’s you
you’re always
worried about
crazy people you’re always
worried about this and violence
that’s you sorry forever that’s you
yeah you just realize it yeah i mean
reprogramming like
truly reprogramming it
should be like something like an option
it should be like
a button you can
press in your
brain oh i know
this is bullshit let me just get rid of it that’s why
you’re the software designer for your own kids you know
you’re programming that
right now you
gotta give him
some psilocybin early
well you just got a program well here’s one
thing you know they talk
about like terrible twos
i swear to god my
daughter is not
going through anything terrible she’s hilarious
that’s the reason why she’s hilarious is
cause i don’t even when she
screams and yells at something i
start making fun of her
this is you this is you yeah
and she starts
laughing she
thinks it’s so
funny cause
everything is fun
you know and
everything is and you
gotta know like when they’re
tired you gotta know when they eat
but when when they eat but it’s all
about nice and happiness and fun you know
it’s all about that
and if you do that and you
start them off like that you know you can get a
happy child but that
might create something that you don’t
you’re not thinking who knows look
you know a lot of my best friends grew up fucked up
like all my favorite people grew up fucked up joey
you me eddie
sorry we all grew up fucked up
every one of us there’s not a duncan
no one has some fucking
you know brady bunch
story that they
can tell you
where everything was awesome and dad always had
great advice and
what they do
people are like incredibly boring too but
why is that fuck man
why can’t you just like
give a kid a loving life and then have them not
be a boring cunt
you know i mean
is it possible i mean that’s why that’s how
where doctors come from or something that’s
where you know what it is really the real
thing is that you don’t have the
motivation to be
exceptional at anything
unless you’re desperate
you know exceptional people are almost always at one
point in life very desperate so
they come up with this
extraordinary energy
to produce whatever it is whether it’s art or
success in business or
whatever they want to do that
it comes from something
that’s an extraordinary amount of entropy
extraordinary amount of energy that’s moving
everything in that direction
i think i think a big part of that is that
in general human life for the past
maybe 60 or 70 years
has become incredibly easy
surviving is so fucking simple
that used to have more people of character
before because
life was not simple like people people died a lot
and for simple
things people that
women died in childbirth
kids died didn’t were
born you know the
birth rate was
a tenth of what it is now so
i feel like that’s a big part of it that’s why you have
so many shitty
shitty boring because
everything is so
easy for them
because it’s so simple to survive
it takes nothing yeah i’ve always said
one of the most important
things for a man and i say this to anybody who has boys
i’m like get that kid
involved in
something that’s hard to do yeah it’s fucking difficult
anything that’s hard to do get that kid involved in
whatever it is what’s
wrestling or karate
or you know kickboxing cut a hand off
just some some fucking
sport you know
maybe they get into
basketball or baseball just
get him into something that makes them exert themselves
and and get through difficult times
and create character
do something that’s really
difficult get that kid involved in something that’s
gonna test them and challenge them
cause if you don’t
there’s nothing sadder than when you were at the mall
and you see some fucking lit poor lady
who raised some
boy she probably did it on her own and she had
never had a
father around or that he didn’t have his father around
and he’s just
loud and fucking obnoxious
and totally unchecked
shameless just totally
shameless this poor kid is fucked he
doesn’t even know who he is look at him
just bouncing off the walls with all this
crazy energy
to the same people who like have cell
phone conversations
incredibly loud like in the middle of
that’s so blow my mind
how people do that
that’s one of
those pet peeves
my one of my pet peeves i
can’t fucking handle dudes who do that shit on
speakerphone they
start talking yeah
that’s what’s up dude what are you doing man
yeah we’re down there
right now man let’s party
like who are
these people
i want to just like i always want to just engage them
right away hey
hey how you doing
hey hey hey just like like some
why is that
really what’s my
issue why is it even offend
me that i have to hear both sides of the conversation
and i’m gonna hear one one side
no matter what
does it is it really is it just too distracting
like why does it bother me
you know it
just bothers
me it’s just like
what are we in eighties radio station that’s that’s
to do you sound board come on then
buzzer don’t do that anymore please
duke nukem makes me sad cause that’s that game that
never really got finished i know duke nukem forever
that became the
vaporware game of all time totally and
don’t they realize now it’s gotten to the
point that if they actually released it
would probably be one of the biggest games
ever i thought they were doing
a modern day doing
last five years they’ve been saying okay
i guess that was a lot longer than five years
happened like with the unreal one engine i
think they were using well it got to the
point that like last five years at least they actually
it seemed legit like there was like a
trailer for
a website or somebody was like a fake
trailer when
under when did it go under
two years ago two years ago when i that’s it
that’s crazy cause that movie i swear
rather that game i believe
was really in operation for the longest time ever
call of duty the new call of duty got released
and they had this
thing in the newspaper
when i was coming back from london i was reading it
that call of duty
made more money than avatar
the first day
yeah it sold like holy shit
dude it’s like
one of the most successful
entertainment
things of all
time absolutely
that’s the sign of the
apocalypse and it’s war
just shoot people yeah
it’s fucking awesome commercial to
the commercial to the commercial to have it has like
jimmy camel and kobe
bryant you seen that
people are pissed off
about that commercial i’m sure they are i do not
understand this
because because
they’ve got guns people always are pissed off
about guns guaranteed
and the fact that there’s people who are uh
you know willing
those guns who
would normally
not ever be associate
with that will
be yeah well kobe
kobe’s kind of
but it’s a gun
it’s a little controller yeah
they’re pissed off that he’s
shooting no
no no commercial
they’re like
in the game
the commercial
that’s so crazy yeah
they don’t show them actually
shooting anybody but it’s all
directly no
how weird is that it is
stupid that’s what you can’t show a tit
right right
isn’t it bizarre that that’s like so acceptable
yeah i mean i mean
would there be accepted what if there’s a game what
is like you know like
well what are those
grand theft auto games
and all they were
doing in the game was just running around and raping
so for the commercial they had
jimmy camel and kobe
bryant pretend to rape people
the people go that’s outrageous
well it’s okay to kill people
but it’s not okay to rape them
right well i mean
what what how
weird are we man
yeah what if we do you
think you could make a game like that
i think the japanese already have actually
a few different
game they have rape games and they also have
the last games it’s
funny that that
would be we talked
about the sensitive
nature of the word rape you know before
some people get
upset about it
but that would be it’s
a very interesting
debate like why is it okay to murder people
is it because it’s so simple that it’s
like you pull the
trigger and then they go away
and it’s not as
what is it maybe that’s what it is
maybe cause
it’s finite
like oh a person’s dead
they can object to them being killed
cause you’ve killed them did
you imagine how
crazy it would be if
those became
the most popular games here if it wasn’t call of duty
it was call of dicks
and you’re just driving around
just fucking everybody wanted to that was the whole
video game whoa
that would be
scary as fuck
and people say that’s not possible
but how is that not possible i mean this
so those private
programmers i’m sure who
would love who
are and have made something like that if that
became a real
game if somehow or another we were desensitized to a
point where that became a real game
i think it’ll be very interesting i
think it actually for real is though i think
in japan if i remember correctly
there was some kind of rape
video game jesus christ
and they also had games like
where you just
try to get the best upskirt shots really as
a game as a game oh that’s so creepy the japanese are
fuckin love it there’s a
there’s a new
there’s a new
application on the iphone called twit
cast it’s a
broadcast like a u
stream thing on
using twitter though but
using on your iphone
and it’s japanese
based i believe
and so recently i’ve been on there you know
late at night
because there’s just a
bunch of hot
asian girls on
their on their webcams in their
house you know
so i will type
things like hey do you like america
and you know
yeah you should come to california
and then they all know how to read english though
and then the
second they find out that you’re american they’re like
oh haha i love you haha
great happens i just say i love you
yeah well no
you think you’d go over there and just
start fucking them
randomly it seems like it
they do love americans they do
love google
translates my new
friend lately
thinking about
how thinking
about going
it seems like i
could just fuck a lot of people but it’s
great if you’re
bored go to this website and just
start checking out
these asian girls and use google
translate to you know mix it up
it is very strange that there’s very specific
cultures like the
asian culture
like it’s not varying that much i mean they have some
music and they have some art and they have some
creativity but for the most part
their culture is like
trying to figure out what we’re doing
weird and like mutating it then you know like the
the japanese rockabilly guys
yeah we’re like
these like psych
it’s like elvis
turned up a thousand percent and it’s
weirdest hipster look ever yeah yeah
it’s weird but
they’re fascinating
hard juku barbies
what is that that’s the that’s that
weird fashion
where they i
think that’s what it’s called
where it’s these japanese girls who wear makeup and
clothes they look
like dolls like
legitimately
dolls and they spend
hours and hours to
perfect this
crazy looking
that thing freak
freaks me out
i wanna go to
japan so bad this seems like the most
alien world ever yeah
it really does seem like the closest you can get to
going to another planet
i feel like it’s like the closest you can get to going
to a second dimension of america it’s like this
transmuted cause
there’s so much
things over there
that are takeoffs of american
culture that like they
don’t make any
sense to us but to them they do
cause it’s like this
weird like proto nostalgia that they have over
everything like the coffee
and all this like
all the business
business attire
there’s so many fucking
crazy things
good friend of mine
lived over there for two years and he
would talk to me about
i have these
capsule hotels
right because
little tubes you
can sleep in
and have vending machines for top with
ties in them
cause if you’re a businessman you have to go out and
drink with the boss
afterwards you have to do that and so
chances are you’re
drinking past the
train so you have to stay in the
capsule hotel
but to show up at work
tomorrow you have to have a new tie so it looks like
you’ve had time to change and look nice so they have
vending machines
just for the tie so you can change your tie
before you go back into work even though you’ve
never even been home
what a strange
strange love to go out there
and have sex with like a girl with tentacles and
everything and be
fine they have
those too i know
what are you talking about
it’s like manga
you scared the fuck out of me
they make the most insane
electronics man
and some of
their cars they have
these two cars out
right now that are
two of the best
sports cars in the world
they have this nissan gt r
which is this incredible
four wheel drive nissan
you know i think it’s like
500 horsepower insane 0 to 60 time insane
lateral acceleration it laps the nurburgring
in like this insanely low time
and then they’ve got this
other thing this lexus lfa
where they just
they created
lexus created this like
ultimate ferrari
like they all the most high tech components
carbon fiber fenders is fucking insane
but it’s a ferrari though
no it’s a lexus so
lexus called the lexus
lfa what i’m
basically saying is
their engineering is so insanely good that’s
crazy because
they can’t make any weapons so they put it all into
is that what it is you
think i mean
shit i wonder
that’s a real good
point cause i know the japanese are not allowed to make
anything you can’t even
build a samurai
sword in japan they’re so
crazy we don’t let them have weapons
did you hear
about this north
south korea
thing yeah that’s
scary listen
man those the
north korean
south korea is like the fucking north
versus south
it’s like the
civil war man it’s like the same
thing as us
it’s just on an exaggerated
scale right you know it’s actually
you know a much larger
like and then
will also super
aggressive the
north korea fucking hates the south
they hate each
other so they’re
ready to like jack each
other right yeah they
are i mean if that happens i really wonder if that’s
gonna be the catalyst to
a new world war
imagine you hate someone because they’re
literally across
a line and they looked exactly like you yeah
it’s not there’s no confusion
whatsoever it’s like koreans are very similar looking
it’s not like america was this big fucking melting pot
right the koreans you know
and there there’s variations on
both sides but they look exactly the same and they’re
right there
doesn’t matter that’s the enemy
kill fucking
crazy world we live in man huh
two thousand ten and that is
still how we’re rocking it
just hope they don’t get in the
just have to get a ran involved then it’s gonna
perfect cocktail for i
think they have a really difficult time getting online
in north korea they do they they squash
everything it’s like they have
huge internet
what do you call it
blackouts yeah i
think so filters
yeah they’re
not allowed to play starcraft or something like that
right well the
south koreans man
south korean gaming pro gaming in
south korea is so huge
they have like
these live events
where they have like an
arena filled with fucking people
that are watching dudes play
video games
have you ever seen that channel
i know holy
fuck man they’re playing starcraft
and some of
these korean dudes that play starcraft they
would make these
insane amount of movements in
a minute like a hundred and
thirty nine movements in a minute
so they’re doing like almost two a second
or more than two a second
is this a keyboard game
keyboard and mouse it’s a
one of those games
where like you’re playing like you have an army
and you move them in certain positions
okay your tactical game
yeah it’s a real yeah it’s a tactical game and it’s
super complex and it’s
like it’s very you know very strategy based
and some guys
are just wizards on it and they have this one dude just
korean dude is like this
ultra badass
starcraft wizard
that’s the game
right starcraft
and they had him
these giant big
screens and people were going
crazy when he was kicking ass
they were going nuts
head faggot it’s so bizarre
i wonder why that
never caught on in america
when you think
about how popular games are over here
maybe a little
duty shit maybe it will
be something eventually starcraft’s pretty big out here
it is but it’s
not that big
haven’t they always been
ahead of us with games like
you know have they been
they used to be
the japanese used to be
ahead of the games back in the
nintendo days but nowadays we have
most of the biggest
game makers here in the
states i mean even
california you
know ea right yeah
thq’s here too
yep thq all the
they’re right on
they were in calabasas
and i think they
moved to yeah they
moved further
north it’s a
it’s a badass
place man i went to their
whole fact i got to
start working on the next game
we’re starting to work on it
again that’s
crazy which game
games gonna be sick
the ufc games oh cool
fighting games awesome they’re getting
better and better like the movements are getting better
there’s more complexity i’ll find out exactly what’s
gonna be in the next one i can’t really tell you guys
sorry bitches
zombies zombie
ufc players headlocks
headlocks when
their headlocks definitely
have headlocks
bring back nuggets um
eyeball scratching it goes for we do
like you know we’ll do like
hours and hours and
hours of just
breaking down
fight scenarios and
and talking
about different
fighters are in the game talking
about like what the guys good at what the guys bad at
so it almost
literally is like you’re
watching it live so
so many variations
do you guys put the um
do you put the
people in the suits the motion capture suits
yes so cool
i did that one time for a friend
you were doing a
commercial and you needed someone to help out with that
that was so much fun yeah
yeah it’s crazy it’s such an interesting
bizarre thing to do i did a
they did a full body scan of me too
where i stand there
and they spun around me with this
crazy camera
and then they show you this 3d
image of you like this computer
really you know recreation of you
and it’s so
weird are you in the two thousand ten one or
something that was in the last one the last one yeah i
think i know i think you
fight with me
oh no you can
in the two thousand ten no no no no i don’t
think so when are they
gonna do that i don’t know i
think i would have to do
a lot of shit for them to do that to be an easter egg
yeah that’s not a big i mean that’s not an easter egg
dude that’s like a big project when you create a new
model and you
do well they
could just like put your head on you know you
should do is you get like someone like me to
model you so
be like joe rogan but be some
fucking idiot
to be a chick
that would be awesome with your head
it looks like he has
tits dude that’d be awesome if
you in a bathing
suit with your head on it as an easter egg
that’d be fucking great
yeah those are always the best as the easter egg
characters yeah if you ever want to get humbled though
about how much time it takes to make something
watch or talk to someone
who’s working on
video games
oh it’s it’s insane what we’re
going to what next week
cliffy b or december cliffy b
yeah he’s coming december eighth yeah he’s the
gears of war guy
right yeah yeah i’ve
known that dude for a long time he’s
super cool we met him
god it was like
two thousand and one or two or something like that
yeah okay he
he has a place in
south carolina and i was doing um
or is it north carolina
north carolina
raleigh right
and we were doing
comedy there this
place called charlie good nights
so i don’t know how
it all got hooked up on the internet somehow or another
and he want us giving us a tour of his place
and that was
a pre xbox 360 and
they already had one
and they had
gears of war playing and we were just like
wow this is something that no one else has seen
except for like a
small group of people
and we’re used to like what
genesis or something
like that but we were used to like i
think nintendo
64 or two or
three was out of the yeah
three craig
three oh that’s right doom
was coming out
because remember
because we’re
gonna take a big shit on doom
right that might have been the
second time we were there though
they did i think it was we’ve been there a few times
anyway he showed us
some models from gears of war like the animated
models that aren’t in the game just to
show like as a
technology demonstration
and our jaws fucking hit the floor
like they had
flashlights they
would move flashlights across the body
and you’d see how the
shadows would vary
and move around
i was like this is insane man this is
now they actually have those
models in the games now
and the work they spend is
i don’t know how people
can actually do that i feel like it’s you have to be
on some sort of special drug to sit there
to do that kind of coding yeah
yeah so takes
forever john carmack the dude who
he’s the mastermind
behind all the it games
which are like doom and
quake and wolf and
all those deathmatch
style games he’s
there’s very rarely am i around someone who’s so
smart that i get nervous
you know what i mean like i’m like
why am i even talking like
everything i say is nonsense
this guy’s like this
fucking super mathematical genius
he’s such a
genius that he codes the craziest game engines in the
world right
and when he’s not doing that in his off time
he’s a rocket scientist oh just a little
rocket scientist
working on like the x prize
you know developing fucking
these rockets in his backyard and
he turbocharges his ferraris
himself custom
wow brings in mechanics and shit but he
designs these fucking crazy
1000 horsepower
turbocharged ferraris he’s constantly
tweaking them
and fucking with them and taking them to the track
it’s just like
a super mathematical
genius and when you talk to him he makes
these like umms
he goes like this
well they basically were working on the
coating the ins like it’s like his
brain is working so fucking fast his
mouth gotta go slow slow
bitch slow the fuck down um
we say oh yeah um
just super super
genius his latest game that just came out on the ipad
remember the rage
we went to go see
this that looks good yeah we saw them
demonstrate that too
yeah yeah that is in game footage
this this is a
yeah one of the best ipad games
oh my god that is insane yeah
point that in my direction
that shit’s amazing
yeah you get to
drive around in
these trucks and this is a console game
right this isn’t even a pc game
right no i think he’s
gonna have it as a
well i don’t know
maybe i don’t know
both but they’re so
famous for the pc games man
and we’ve had the pc
versus console argument yeah my
girlfriend and i have that argument because she is a
world of warcraft
player and she
can’t stand the
console really yeah
it’s very clunky when you get used to the keyboard the
mouse yeah super precise
how much how much does she play a day
she isn’t play anymore but she um
she used to play a lot i
think she used to have
i think she’s had a
bunch of characters of the problem so
jesus christ like
couple a couple
level fifties
maybe i wanna see
trolls she trolling out there
probably different people does she
dress up as
characters so
she what does she
dress up as a
now she’s like to
do you ever bang her when she’s pretending to be like a
witch or some shit
she’s sort of a
witch in general
she’s just naturally a witch
yes she has
ultimate control
i’m popping puppeted right now
maybe i don’t know
this is real tell me what this is real
is this a cry for help
if it’s a cry for help
blink twice
help help help
i can’t even
blink man you can’t
blink so no i can not without her she
might be watching girls that
play video games as one of my biggest turn ons in the
whole entire
world when i find out somebody actually is a
gamer i just can’t stop
thinking about
it you shouldn’t meet her she’s
she is a like
i feel like
she’s like a nerd
dream kind of and i mean
me i’m not a huge
gamer yeah you shouldn’t meet her
i’ll be like
i have a perfectly good butthole
so there’s a girl i’ve talked
about before isis taylor
who’s a porn star and she just
tweets every
day like just beat the new assassin’s creed in like
two days and
it just like i’m playing call of duty
right now and
i can’t get enough of it and i’m just like
well for one
thing she definitely
did not beat the new assassin’s creed in two days no
i think it was even less than
i played it and i took me forever oh she did
maybe she’s more of a wizard than you
dude seriously i
think she beat you beat it less than two days
she must have played it non stop
that’s what i’m saying
that’s what i’m saying when
so this you’re
saying that this turns you on the fact that there’s
a high points are
fucking god yes
understand is all
dirty and sweaty
i always get
i always meet the girls and they’re like oh i love
video games and you let
you try to play
it and they’re just like play one game like this is
stupid i don’t like this game and
that’s not a real
gamer that’s just somebody that’s saying something
eddie bravo and i have talked
about this all the time about
you will always meet
certain girls that will
morph their personality to be with
their man oh
absolutely like we were
watching a ted
nujitz show
ted nujitz’s
wife was hanging out with them and cooking and she was
going hunting
and eddie was like this
bitch doesn’t really want to be hunting oh exactly
she just something is
ted likes hunting yeah
i mean i don’t
know if that’s the case but that is the case
often that a lot of girls will become into what
their boyfriend oh
absolutely absolutely
one of my exes
hated sports
and now every time i look at her twitter it’s like
just watch the
new york yankees
i’m just like you are fucking
faking it i can’t stand
that that’s so
crazy that’s the
worst well some
chicks and some dudes too
i shouldn’t even really categorize this as only
chicks become the
morph when they go into relationships
we all know
some guys that go into relationships and just
start weird now
i wanna mention
names right we have that one friend
and he’s a different
motherfucker
every time he’s in a different relationship really yeah
jesus christ yeah sometimes it just
drive you crazy that’s too bad
poor fuck he just
just whatever happens
he just wants to be in this relationship so bad that he
morphs and becomes what the
chick wants yeah
and depending on what the
chick wants
you know he addresses it as he’s just
going through
phases in his life and
this is what he’s into now damn i’m really into makeup
right now i’m really into yeah
in a skinny
jeans and glam
i’m in the glam
i’m in the oprah
god i got a
yeast infection
i don’t know
david bowie did a lot of cool shit yeah
early in his career
the way he looked
he did do a lot of cool shit imagine if
there was a dude that used to come to the comedy store
and he was a regular looking dude
you know from the midwest and then he was out here for
so he had a little bit of a problem with drugs
and he was out here for just a
short amount of time and one time i ran into him at the
comic store i hadn’t seen him in like shit a
month 30 days
also he had four lip
piercings a nose
piercing and an eyebrow piercing
and he was stretching his ears out with
those that shit
so fucking stupid
and i was like
but it was like
it was like let me
check my face
like whoa like you you really just went for it yeah
i knew a couple guys in college
who were that who
suddenly became like
incredibly emo over like a six
month period when like
wait what that’s
that’s you you’re the same guy
and sort of it’s
they are but they’re not and this
other guy too
who was a comedian
and it’s like
david fucking recognize and we lost the thirty
pounds it’s like a
new crazy hairstyle all this
stuff like you just did
you just totally
changed everything
that i liked
about the look
at jim brewer
man he was just at flappers the
other day by
the way he said was like his favorite new club ever
yeah but anyways he was
known as the
marijuana guy the pot guy that’s all he talks about
now super clean
super religious i
think or something i don’t know
his wife was a christian i
think he just
jump right in
really i guess
but that’s changing your
whole audience
that’s not your that’s
not college kids anymore that’s like my mom’s well you
could look at it that way or you
could look at it and say
he’s developing a new audience because he’s
evolving and they’re
evolving with him and
maybe some of them will come
along with them and
you said devolving right
evolving changing
in his eyes i’m not saying you know
look you know it’s like we talked
about before
about religion being
sort of like a good scaffolding for living a happy life
we have to address
the fact that comedians a lot of them a
giant percentage of them are miserable as fuck
right and a lot of them wind up
you know like
dying and being terrible
we’ve all ran into
comics that we
haven’t seen a long time we see when they’re
older now and they’re just
super super bitter and it’s sad yeah
you know it’s a fucking terrible terrible
thing when a lot of dudes
when they they get older in
their life and they have children they have a family
like they wanna they
wanna think different man they
wanna be a little bit more
happy they don’t
wanna be morose
and cynical
about everything
you just picked your finger up like
do you oh i just thought of something i was gonna do a
video of a morose
and cynical guy no but you were talking
about the comics you know
getting angry
do that all the time
but there’s somebody the
other day and i
think i can
say that story
this is the
story no no
you tell and i’ll say if it was the
story that i
think it was your
job okay yeah this involves a
comic that’s
older that has become a
complete asshole i don’t know if he was an asshole the
whole time what’s
fucking gallagher
he was making fun of this guy that works at the comedy
store that has
multiple sclerosis he walks
funny and he’s
like fucking making fun of him to his face
about how he’s walking and then
the club owners and all the
staffs like
dude stop that’s not cool at all and he was
and he wouldn’t stop he was at the real
going and going
yeah it’s the real one
it wasn’t his brother that’s
were you there i was there yeah did
you video it
no i didn’t
video i don’t
wanna get banned from the comedy
story anymore so i
don’t film there anymore but
you could talk
about any of the
comics people were twittering it like comedy i
think i mean
everybody saw it
and it was i had an
experience with gallagher myself when i was in high
school the freshman of high
school i went to see gallagher
this is in rochester minnesota so you know shows
where he was at that
point in time
and you know
rogers tiny town and he
went to a show to a
gallagher show
as in the front row
i was like this is
gonna be so awesome and
he asked for a volunteer he
brings me up and i was like yeah yeah i won’t be on
school on stage
brings up stage and he puts me on this
shot this wooden
chopping block
and like makes fun of me for like
three four or five minutes just
saying mean
things to me
i’m like you know i’m just
gonna smile like okay
i have my hands my pockets like
why do you have your hands in your pockets huh
you must not have a girlfriend
is the audience
laughing at this i don’t even remember really
but i guess a little bit
and i was like you know
i had a baggy
skills a skateboard
the times of course have my bag how old how old again
was probably
fifteen and
you know i look like i was 10 though
he was shitting on you when you were 15
yeah and i was
up there i look like i was 10 years old though
cause i looked really
young right and i had like my baggy
skateboard jeans on so you must be the best
skateboarder in the
world i don’t see any holes in
those jeans
just it was just ridiculous
and then he had we
did a bunch of
stuff like putting on his penguin
thing sliding across the
stage and that was fun but the
like why you
you bring up like a
some dude can make you
know that well
unfortunately
for some comedians and for a lot of comedians back in
those days like
insulting people
was like thought of as like it’s part of the show
right and you have to just
kind of take it dude i talked i talked to davey that
night though the guy with multiple
scores he was
about to quit his job and just
start fighting this guy i mean you
could tell by talking to him how
upset he was he was walking around
i mean i got to the
point where i just
started following davey around just to
grab him if he was to go to attack
gallagher make fun
of a guy with a horrible disease like that oh and he
wouldn’t stop and he said something about like
as one of the
semi quotes he said something
about his hands like oh his hands probably aren’t
strong because he has multiple sclerosis
so he can’t
he actually said multiple
sclerosis yeah jeez
one thing if you just sort of like being
generic but beings very specific like i’m specifically
making fun of you because you have multiple
and he wouldn’t stop
was there anyone else laughing
huh no one was
laughing no one was
laughing no it was
awful and i talked to somebody that used to
tour with him or something like that
and he was like
dude he’s always been a fucking asshole he’s a complete
jersey whoa
i didn’t know that
never thought gallagher
you know because you only see him from like old hbo
specials or whatever
you just seem as like this
happy guy that
crushes whatever
watermelons but now yeah well
the behind the
scenes of gallagher’s probably
interesting
wonder if he was always like that i was just
becoming one
probably a little bit of both
cause i think his brother
now does his
stuff he didn’t do it for a
while for like
seven or years well his
brother like bought the act for a
while because
gallagher quit
does it yeah
and then the problem is the brother really that was his
way to make a living he was calling himself gallagher 2
right it was to
comics it was just too beautiful to be real
right it was like you know
everybody like to make fun of gallagher in the first
place and now you find out his fucking brother has
taken over his act like holy shit
and his brother looks really similar
i don’t really
like mistakeably
similar right
yeah he looks yeah
close enough if you
weren’t like a huge gallagher fan
and you saw
him you’d go well if something looks different
about him but yeah i
guess it’s one of
them dyes their hair in one
dozen is that what it is yeah
is this the
story you thought i was gonna say
oh no i thought you’re talking
about something about
john mayer or something
like that oh yeah john mayer was there a couple days
later and i saw john mayer do comedy
twice did you try to
smell his fingers
no no but i met him and i
shake his hand
i john mayer
if i shake his hand i’d have to go and miss my finger
no no i tried to suck his
power out when he
shook my hand
but then he
sucked he shook my hand
again so he took the
power back but i was
thinking that when i was
shaking his
pussy power
like i was thinking
like when i was shaking his hands like i’m getting his
energies i’m getting his energy i’m
stealing his soul
sands you watch
too many movies but then he
shook it back and took it back i
bet he’s a handsome man
you’re handsome man too
you’re on your well well it was interesting that we
we he by the way invite him on the podcast and
he’s you know said if he was a fan of you and he
said give him props and
stuff but he
actually did a pretty good job a good writing
but you know your
stage presence and timing and stuff is
completely not he’s so handsome and he gets so much top
shelf pussy i bet he’s so like
self conscious when he’s up there that people must
think he’s a dick
you know what i mean like probably
yeah he probably gets this
weird thing
i mean look he does
his concerts
right he gets on
stage and bitches go fucking
crazy crazy
by bitches i do not mean
women in a derogatory
way okay talk about
talk funny here
ladies it’s the
funnier way to say it
ladies the ladies get very
excited the
ladies get loose
they get fucking nuts i mean that’s got to be a
weird mind fuck
for that dude
you know he’s just singing shit and
he’s like you
know and as it comes to when it comes to like
young men singers
that are out there killing it
who’s doing it better than him
is there one
he doesn’t even have competition bieber
they all have to fuck him
bieber yeah yeah
bieber we all have to fuck him
if you wanna fuck a good musician
john mayer that’s all but he fucked everybody
that guy’s fucked everybody’s fucked jennifer aniston
he’s fucked
who else he fucked jessica
simpson i have no idea
fuck small to
realize he was
there hot he meets me fuck some he’s fucking
everything he’s fucking everyone i had
no idea he was
like that at all but
yeah i just did
all over the
internet it’s amazing i follow his trajectory
he’s the ultimate stud
when it comes to like celebrity hot
chicks now he’s doing comedy but
probably has to do something like his
pr if something please
let us have something
is that a new
trend with the people doing comedy
he wants well i
think he’s a
funny guy anyway
and i think he likes the art for
him he’s always hanging out in the village always hear
about comics say that he came to the comedy
store or the comic
store well i
think also has something to do with him getting in
trouble with twitter
and then having
him he just canceled his account was 2 million people
and he was always kind of
funny on twitter
but it probably had something to do with
his pr guys like
alright you just said the most dumbest shit in the
world you gotta get into comedy
so that’s acceptable
or something
to rebuild your career you have to be a
comic because he just made fun of a bunch of
women or something like that
right what was whatever that was that he got in
trouble for i don’t remember what he said it was
something kind of dickish to
women or something
i think i’m a comic
he also did well that was the
other problems he did his interview
where he started talking
about girls and banged
and he felt real bad
about it because i remember he got on
stage and he
issued this apology
he was being really
self critical
and you know it was it
was kind of interesting you know see him up there like
for obviously he like it
really thought
this out and he’s really kind of like you know
self deprecating when he was on
stage kind of explaining
how he fucked up and
it was not his intention and
just trying to give people some good shit
you know i’m saying he was cool
man the conversation i had with him zero ego zero just
just down to
earth nice guy probably
tired he probably fucked everyone that day yeah
probably no loads left of his body
right he just let me go to the comedy
store and just see
plot my next move
i saw steve
doing comedy too recently
yeah me too
and he actually did better
that steven
did better than john mayer
steve i’ve heard he’s been doing it for a
while now right
i think dan cook has been like sort of
yeah taking
steve on the road yeah we’re no no road
or something
like that yeah
but no he seemed very likable on
stage steve oh
nice being himself is being
the guy from jackass just without the all the drugs and
so he’s totally
clean now huh
totally he’s even a
vegan oh but he
still you know still
there’s another guy you can’t be that guy if
mommy raised you
right you know if
everything went well you can’t be that guy
or maybe maybe his
maybe he’s the product of like
could be breastfeeding till five or something
like that who knows
right too much love
is fighting
it back with
fucking broken
dude that shit like
balls injuring himself
broken light bulbs across the tongue
i haven’t seen that i’ve seen yes
a lot of them that are
i think i’ve seen enough
he was one of
those people when i met him was like
there’s steve o
how weird you
know every now
and then you do
one of these
spike things
like i did this
spike tv thing it was like one of
those awards like guys choice awards
and it was kinda interesting but
the problem was
i had to do stand up
and they had i
think tracy
morgan was the host of it
i’m pretty sure
tracy morgan was host of it and
what they did was they had bands play like they had
zz top play
but they had them play
more than once
it was a live audience so they
played the song they didn’t like it so they played it
again because it wasn’t live on
television it was to tape
whenever something was not live on
television they
beat the fuck out of that poor audience
and then you got to go up there and do
stand up and it was ugly i just
did not have an interesting
set so i wanted to get the fuck out of there but it was
it was a weird
experience being around all
these celebrities like
everywhere i looked like well that’s that kat von d
chip and this is that guy
you celebra
deed yeah that shit’s always weird
but it makes it interesting
like the other day i
went out with
dana dirman
the porn star girl we went to go do karaoke
and this guy gets on
stage it looked he was
dressed up like a mexican
doing 50 cent songs
next thing you know it was fucking 50 cent like i
guess they’re doing that show what they did with jewel
undercover karaoke
or whatever it’s called
where they just have the girl like
these people
going to karaoke bars and
stuff and sing
their own shit
that’s what
jewel was doing
yeah she was doing it for a show she was doing it for
funny or die but i think that
video became so popular that like
mtv or tvs ordered a
pilot for this new one and
but yeah so the next
thing i know i’m fucking seeing 50 cent
horribly do his own
music on stably
awful it got so bad
it got so bad
that me and my friend
afterwards they
interviewed us i hope they use it because
afterwards they interviewed us and my friends like
it was okay i’m like
dude tell him the truth
alright well so this dude
looked like he was mexican went on stage and
he did 50 cent songs that was 50 cent
and he just couldn’t
even sing his own song he forgot his own lyrics
and blah blah blah and i’m like wow
and so then 10 minutes
later they put 50 back on
stage and i didn’t know if it had anything to do with
johnny or a friend saying that
but they redid it
you know they tved
of doing it
and it was a little
bit better actually have it on my youtube channel so
i got a red ban on youtube
are you supposed to be youtubers is totally illegal hey
you know it was from my
phone i i were
there yeah i was there
no they stopped you from doing that right
right they didn’t tell you there was a million people
yeah you tell me with
their phones
yeah with their
phones releases up they
don’t have releases up they always at this
dimples bar
cause they actually film there it’s across the
street from all the
studios there’s always shit
going on there so
you walk in and there’s a
thing that’s like
molded on the wall what
it’s like wait a minute
permanent release
yes so if you go there you’re just an attention whore
absolutely where they film
every single person that goes on stage
and then what’s cool is if it’s your
first time there they’ll burn you a dvd for free
and take a photo who owns it
uh probably the
studios because you go in there and you see
they just playing
videos of all
the celebrities that have ever gone in there like on
their days off doing karaoke
and you don’t even realize that
they’re recording and saving all this shit
wow so they have some pretty interesting
yeah there’s a
funny thing
about karaoke
right you go
up there and you nail it if you got a really good
voice you’re a badass but
if you if you’re like
trying now you’re failing yeah
it’s the worst
yeah terrible to
watch it’s i
never try though
that luckily i always like pick the song that
sounds the best when you’re
drunk like the
crash test dummies mmm
so i’ll be drunk one
i’m a big fan
of creed songs
for karaoke because all you have to do is just
heard standing here
just a little that
i mean it’s great
last time i ever
sang karaoke was that the comedy works in montreal
hammered hammered
and he had one of
those karaoke
things where your
voice it doesn’t matter what you
sound like cause it’s all echoed the fuck
right sounds
good saying herbed
french mattress
songs hello
me doing shots
we’re fucking trash
that place is
an awesome comedy club the comedy works in montreal
the guy jimbo who owns it
one of the funniest guys i’m there
the december
whatever it is it’s like 10th or 11th
or ninth doesn’t matter whatever
sold out whatever that
yeah it’s all sold out but it’s the day before the ufc
it’s a hundred seats it’s just like
it’s nice here
in montreal man
it’s amazing i have a question now when you
when you have
these dates like this montreal
date that you said has been sold out for so long
have you ever thought hey
maybe i should go there a day
early and do two more so now
can’t do it
i have a question can i use the bathroom yeah
yeah all right oh
this is this is
gonna be it’s
on the coffee
oh it’s from pp
you both have to you gonna
leave me here by myself you fucks
brian don’t
leave me man
don’t leave me
so anyways then
later that night
at the 50 cent night
we went to tell
you your pals with dana
de armon from the
nasty show from sam tripoli show i’m
yeah i met her
briefly there fucking
funny dude she is hilarious she says some
funny shit man
she wrote a
tweet once on twitter
it said question what was the craziest
thing i ever had up my ass answer cat toys
you know what’s so
funny is she is like her biggest turn on is
transsexuals
wow and i was like dude i’m the biggest
pussy and i have a dick
does that count
but no no but
she’s one of the best hecklers too like i will
never take her
to one of your shows because she has this whole
thing where she
if somebody sucks
she will let them know they suck
she did that to mike
young right well
to be fair mike
young it was really like 2 am but mike
young got thrown on
stage he didn’t even know what was
going on there and he was kind of like
i don’t know
maybe he had had a long
night or whatever
but she went
right into him
and then it got to the
point where he was just like mike’s a pimp
so mike brings out
just this girl of his whip because he couldn’t really
fight the heckle i don’t
think so he brought out a girl
brought out the
you know how he’s always there with a girl
you know so he brought his girl on
stage and talk
blocking him
right now no no no no
i mean like friends and his
pals his pals and so then like he just kind of like his
that act turned in it just showing the girls legs and
stuff on stage
oh okay so he stopped trying with the comedy
and respond to her heckles yeah
i think he tried
see the promise
like she was like bragging all
about like i
know i know
the next problem is is that she was doing this heckle
thing at karaoke
bar to so when
people didn’t know the song are like she’s like
why did you
pick the song if you don’t know how to do it
and she was making me nervous
so i kind of got nervous when she was in the comedy
store cause i didn’t want
anyone to get mad at me cause i
was there with her
so i kind of like hid
that’s hilarious man that
bitch is crazy who’s this
this dana de armond this porno
started was
heckling have you
heard of her
yeah she does that
nasty show all the time yeah she’s like she likes to do
stage stuff like
i’m sorry the
naughty show it’s called the naughty
show she does
stage show i mean she actually does like
stuff outside of porn i did some show with her at
ucb a long time ago
she was one of
those celebrity
or panelist
judges sort of
thing so yeah
well i think was
judge for like the dirtiest
sketch show actually is what it was
so she was on the
panel but i’ve
heard a bunch of
different things
about her doing
stuff within the comedy realm
isn’t that a
funny that’s a
funny combination
the stripper
slash porn star
slash yeah you know and then comedians
that’s weird it’s that’s also
weird that what’s the girl um
sasha gray who’s now like
an actress and
stuff where well she’s very smart man
yeah it’s really interesting listen to that girl talk
i don’t i don’t know what her deal is
yeah but she has like all
these different
videos online
sasha grey on sasha
grey it’s like
she’s like whatever she
is i don’t know what the fuck happened to her i don’t
know what her deal is but whatever she is that’s her
like she’s very she’s
right i mean i feel like she’s
she’s interesting because she’s not
the typical porn star i
don’t feel like
you know i’ve
watched those i don’t feel like i’m getting anything
enlightening
out of it but
it’s definitely interesting that she
doesn’t fit the mold
kind of it’s always
weird to me
when one person transcends out of a business
you know when like all the
sudden there’s this one guy who’s
known as this incredible bowler
you know what i’m saying
i mean like who’s the best pool
player ever you ask the average person minnesota fats i
heard minnesota
fats is amazing
you know there’s
a person who somehow another becomes more
famous than everybody else and
becomes that
sport or that game like a
lance armstrong
name me one
other fucking guy races bikes
right lloyd
floyd landis is only one i know
that’s because
he know who that guy is he won but he got his
thing taken no
title taken away from doping
well dude we have a friend who was a professional
cyclist who
teaches jiu jitsu now
and he tells me everyone’s on it
well that and
the thing that he got busted for
which i think is
total bullshit is that
it’s something about
they’re not allowed to oxygenate their
blood they do this
weird thing where they
train at altitude
and they’ll take
their own blood
and they’ll go
blood doping yeah they
insert it back in
their body how
come you can’t do that that seems like
that seems ridiculous to me
it’s your own goddamn blood
and it also
gives you an
unfair advantage the ideas are supposed
to all be on a
level playing
field but i
see your point
if it’s your
blood yeah you
should be able to do whatever you want
but they also have that epo
stuff that’s okay what
he told me they all take it’s like the
hyperbrecht chamber
effect no no
no epo is a
it’s some sort of a chemical
agent some sort of a drug you take it
and what it does is it makes you produce more red
blood cells so your
body produce
the same effect as
us just like living
in attitude yeah
and apparently a lot of like real
heavy hardcore endurance people use it because
it produces more
blood cells isn’t that how they
test for it the only way to test for it is to take your
blood before
like they have a constant no i don’t think so
no i don’t think
it’s a test i
think epo shows up i
think it does
i think it’s
you know it’s a bad substance
and you know i think
it hasn’t always shown up there was like a long time
where they weren’t testing for it
but i think they’ve also
retroactively tested people gone
back tested
samples that they still
kept and caught people
using it it’s
just a bunch of shit that they take man i wonder what
would happen if i took
that like i
would get like
it gets you
high by any means you know or if it just makes you feel
like amazing energy powerful
i’ll tell you when i was living in the mountains
when i was at eighty five hundred feet
above sea level
i was there for
a couple of
months and i did a gig in philly
i was in philly for like
three days in a row
and dude i felt like a fucking superman really
it was crazy
cause i just gone from the mountains to
to the water
to sea level
i was at the gym working out
i couldn’t believe how much energy i had
it was crazy
i was telling my friends like dude i feel like i can
throw these fucking weights
like you just feel like you have so much more
vibrancy to your body because you have all this
extra blood
but then it probably also can give you
strokes and shit to me yeah
yeah epo can at
least same with
i took some oxygen once
in the desert because i was like
it was super hot we were
shooting and i thought i was
gonna pass out
wow took a bunch of oxygen and
i felt like a
10 000 times better after that
i was thinking
about getting a mask just
yeah just pure oxygen
at like i don’t know
for i came with the rate is
you have that oxygen
scrub or we
should just
start sucking on
that stuff is
great gets you
have it there but the promise it’s not a uniform sound
it goes like this
some of the
hotels that when we stayed in seattle last time we
had oxygen had oxygen
in the bathroom remember that there was like shampoo
soaps and oxygen
like a container
really your mouth yeah
that stuff is great i really
think it’s the best thing i
tried like hell to get an oxygen tank at home but
it’s weirdly there’s a lot of red tape you
have to have a prescription for
yeah for oxygen it can explode
everyone it could turn you into
a fucking that’s true
but i just want a little tank just a little
tank you know when i’m hungover and want to watch tv
well hypobaric chambers
i’ve always thought that’s fascinating
too and you
know some people use
those to heal
like uriah faber who’s an
mma fighter
he’s famous for using this
hyperbaric chamber
michael jackson had one
too exactly
apparently you get in there and you
can go in there for like a couple
hours and you feel like you got 10 hour
sleep you feel fucking fantastic
when you come out of there you feel all refreshed
i don’t know
seems like a good i
think a good
thing to have
though because if it does that if it makes you heal
quicker from injuries
it’s got to make you heal
quicker from life
right it’s got
a day do you mean do you have to necessarily be in the
chamber can’t you just have like a bed that had oxygen
flowing on your face when you’re
sleeping i don’t
know exactly what a
hyperbaric does
i’m not exactly sure what it does
i’m pretty sure
it’s a lot more complicated than that it increases
the pressure i
think is what it is right
increases the barometric pressure
yeah so it’s
basically like being
underwater but
without being
underwater i don’t
understand how it works
but what it does is it assists in healing
remember that when michael jackson was
told about how
he’s the craziest
motherfucker in the world
that’s ignorance
right there i’m like
wait a second it’s just
oxygen it’s actually probably pretty good it is kind of
spacey though you know it’s very fucking
alien like the
image of him
climbing into this tube like some fucking starchild a
bunch of babies around him
monkeys the oxygen
babies fucking
amusement park ride
shit those are just my oxygen
babies when i talk
about the isolation
tank that’s the
people don’t know what it is
cause you done
that brings it up yeah yeah i
wanna do that so bad and when people
bring it up the first
thing they say is oh is that like that michael jackson
thing michael jackson
you have one of
those chambers in your house
i have one i have one in my
house you have a
water one or something yeah yeah
yeah that’s so incredible you
should do it man
where do you
know what part of hollywood you live i live
live downtown
you live downtown yeah
well you can go to venice
venice has a
great one it’s called the
float lab yeah he
just contacted me and offered
me anytime i wanted to
float lab guy
yeah he’s great this guy
yeah he’s a fucking scientific
genius evil
do that evil genius
crazy man isn’t like it almost like a
psychedelic
experience like
yeah we’ve talked
about it on the podcast
so many times i can’t really
cover it anymore got it
but it’s it’s exactly
what it is it’s what what happens is your body produces
you know your your
brain becomes untethered from your body your body
has no sensory
input and you just
starts having
these psychedelic images
streams and
gets really
tripping cool
yeah but and
by the just
that’s fascinating and
everything but just for the
relaxation of it
you walk out
of there you feel so good it’s like all the
strain it’s been removed
from your muscles you know it’s an amazing feeling
everybody’s trying
we keep talking
about doing on the podcast
but nobody ever you
should do a podcast inside an isolation yeah
we thought about doing that but that
would be defend
the whole put
a record yeah
the whole purpose of the
thing is that you’re not supposed to make any
or talk any or you know do not
sounds you supposed to just
empty you disappear i
think the best
podcast is we all eat mushrooms a half hour before we
started do do
and then saw it coming on
right and then
right when we get to the panic mode
sorry we gotta go
hit the kills
the only problem with that is you
couldn’t really you couldn’t a announce that you were
gonna do it you couldn’t say that you were doing it
while you’re on the podcast
yep it’s so
tricky man because
somebody wanted to go
after you and say you’re doing something we would just
do it not tell anybody
and it would be the fucking
weirdest podcast ever
the mushrooms
are not california
california has like the
worst mushroom laws in the country
do they really they do you can
it’s they have their
every aspect of
psychedelic mushrooms are illegal
in california and florida really
florida it’s
like the opposite you can do whatever you want with
basically you
can grow them
you can you can have them picked and dry and
everything but
really yeah you can’t even
order you can’t
order some it
was a federal
issue though
it is but somehow it’s a
state thing as well i don’t know
think marijuana
it breaks down yeah but there’s no really it
should be but there’s no prescription
psychedelics
i mean they
should definitely
be prescribing mushrooms there’s all
these studies that have come out and talked about
there’s one that
just someone who was talking
about it yesterday
about how psychedelic drugs psilocybin
lsd and even mdma
are they actually in improve people’s
psychological state yes
sos i’ve been is a
great great
thing i feel like because it’s
it’s one of
those things
where you can’t um
you can’t take too much of it because your body
builds of a tolerance so fast that
you can basically only trip
crazy like once or
twice a month
before you have to take consume mass amounts of
mushrooms just to
it’s just like
everyday it’s like people that
smoke weed every day if they knew if
they knew that they could take
three days off a week off
they just reset
their marijuana clock
and then now
they’ll take a hit next week and it’ll be so much
stronger is that all it takes oh
it usually takes about
three days i would say
three to five days
yeah to reset
yeah i take a long time
off sometimes sometimes i go a couple weeks without it
depending on if i’m writing if i’m writing i don’t
ever take time off it’s like doug benson you know doug
that dude he’s one of
those guys that
smokes all day
now that guy just took
a week off he would
back to normal
one joint i’m so
stoned yeah
but i think he’s
enjoying it you saw the
movie right yeah
super home yeah
yeah i think he
enjoys it though you know i mean i
think he enjoys being high all the time
you know i think he does he’s a
he’s a nice friendly high guy
yeah you know i
think it stops working like a teddy bear
yeah if you smoke
all day long
you’re not getting high anymore you’re just kind of
definitely not getting obliterated
alright i had a
good friend
high school
yeah i have a good friend high
school who once
we were in like the
video store together and like
are you high
right now he’s like
no i’m not high
he smoked so much weed that i thought he was
stone when he was sober
that’s hilarious yeah i
think that’s
when i was in
seventh grade there was a kid
named vic dobrowski
victim broski was like a little bit
older than us like he failed a year
and he was like
a little bit old us but he hung out with us
and he was one of
these dudes he
would look like
in real life
like a jim brewer character of a
crazy druggie
like say if jim
brewer was doing saturday night live
come on man you fucking take it man
what’s the big deal this guy
victim broski was fucking nuts and he always had
he always had
all sorts of fucked up
things that i was trying to
avoid he like my friends
would go and do drugs with them
whatever they want
anyways one of the
first times i ever did pot i did it with vic nebraski
the gateway kid it’s always the gateway
it’s always
that kid who like
has been held back who
helps you get access to
things by the time i was
thirty years old i
maybe smoked pot
just a handful of times my whole life
and one of them was this fucking kid
one of them was
my stepdad my stepdad gave me some pot when i was eight
wow yeah he was
smoking weed and i was like let me try it and he let me
are you fucking serious oh i’m totally serious wow that
was a hippie
long haired hippie man
we were living in san francisco that’s awesome it was
very strange we used to me and my friends and i have
these tapes somewhere in ohio
me and my friends when we were
like 15 we would
get some marijuana and
would sit around a tape recorder and just get high and
it’s kind of what we’re doing right now
but you know but just
three of us and it was
you know when
you’re 15 high is different than when you’re an
adult high the
shoot used to talk
about it was probably the dumbest retarded ship ever
how old were you when you were getting high regularly
fifteen fifteen regular like
every day yeah why not
every day cause
we couldn’t it was hard to get when you were fifteen we
would buy from college kids
so how how often
would you get it
well one of us
would get it
at least once a week
and would probably
smoke maybe
two or three times a week
but back then it was different
back then we had to find places to
smoke like church parking lots
or good malls
yeah it would
be like high in our car
using pop cans
and then go into the mall and walk around
chess king and buy you
oh man i remember
stuff like that doing the craziest
craziest things just to
get the smell
the supposed
smell of smoke away
that like you have this idea as a high
school like that it’s like clinging to you like
toxic waste that it can be
smelled hours
after you know
drive around in the
middle in the minnesota winter with the windows down
like for miles with the windows down
after smoking
and just do all this
crazy stuff like change jackets and
all this stuff just just in case you know
throw the dogs off
everything so
apparent what i
read nowadays
ever if you see a fucking dog and you’re high shit
the dog with a cop shut
shut shut shut
i was with a friend of mine and we were
stone we were driving
and this is a high
school and we hit a deer
we’re stoned
and that was the scariest
thing that’s ever happened to me i thought we were
gonna be arrested and sent to jail i was sure like
the first thing i thought was
we’ve committed a huge crime here
and the head
i was in the passenger seat
and the deer’s head
he jumped literally just jumped from bushes
just arced over the road
so there’s no chance of missing we’re only
going like 30
miles an hour but the deer’s head
hit the windshield
right in front of me and
cracked the windshield
and the deer kind of
tumbled off the side of the car and i have like this
these three indelible images in my
brain one of them is
deers a profile of a deer’s head and the windshield
breaking i’m just like
fuck oh my god that was hot was it a bail did it
it was like a
dough was a full size dough
we didn’t kill it though because we’re
going really slow
so it was in the car with you yeah
no it didn’t grow through the windshield it just
cracked it you know car windshields are
thick it shattered it but it didn’t like
bust through it
i was also just
the head of it the body of it was off to the side
so it tumbled off and
i had the passenger side window was down a little bit
and a drop of mud
and a drop of
blood landed on my thumb
and i was just
oh my god there’s a
crazy one that i saw it was online it was a video
of this family that had been interviewed
after a deer went through
their car a
deer went through the
front windshield they
slammed into it the deer went through the
front windshield
kicked and smashed its way
and went out the back windshield nobody died
nobody died
but the kid
the girl got fucked up
she got like hoofed
in the face and her nose was broken and she had two
black eyes and
she was like a part of some play or something
so she had to like get
ready she didn’t want her
understudy to have to do she had
like two weeks to heal up and she was just jackmified
and then you know
the father got fucked up he had like broken
orbital bones and shit and
you know deers are fucking dangerous man
you hit your car like that
people could die all the time they go
right through the car
yeah if you’re living in a deer community it
might be a better
it might be a good idea
to have like some big fucking
mad max type
cage over the
front of your car we
still always have because in ohio it’s pretty bad
but we used to have
those little
things you put on
your bumpers that
whistles them
yeah whistles
actually work
though and i feel like they
kind of work
you can’t ever hear what if it runs out of
batteries then you’re fucked well i don’t
think it’s the batteries that use
the wind it’s a kind of like a
whistle that you put on your cars when you
drive the air goes through it makes like a
sound that you can’t hear like a
dog whistle
and i i mean
it seems like it makes sense
i think they
kind of work i
think i don’t
think they actually work because if they did
it’ll probably be mandatory to have them or something
because insurance companies
pay out the ass when
right people i’ve been in a car like six or
seven times hitting deer yeah
yeah there’s a lot of
a lot of minnesota
yeah minnesota’s packed with them
right yeah well
the problem is is like
there’s no natural predators in like the city areas
so there’s no
these herds just go
crazy you don’t have mountain lions there’s no
there’s coyotes on
maybe in the way outskirts and timber timber
wolves up north but
in southern minnesota there’s nothing
for them to uh
nothing to kill him so you
over the last
hundred years there’s been two
uh instances of
wolves killing people i just
found this out the other day
one of them they killed and
ate this guy
the wolves did yeah they
found them when they were eating this guy
is in two thousand five then there was a
woman recently
two thousand ten hmm
is that way did
you just google that or did you find it like did you
accidentally stumble on it or you just i
remember the
story i remember the story
that’s how fucked up i am
i remember the
story because i had a conversation with someone
where they were talking about
it was the dumbest conversation ever it was like
who would win a gorilla
or a grizzly bear
and it was one of
those conversations and i was saying a grizzly bear
would fuck a
gorilla yeah i think so
a grizzly bear
would do whatever you want to do but
maybe the girls no
smart would have
picked the gorilla really yeah i
would pick gorillas are just
crazy strong for some
reason yeah but so are bears and they’re way bigger
like a kodiak
like a big bears like two thousand plus
pounds gorillas don’t get to
did you find the answer
yeah well i don’t know it’s just speculation
i mean i think
probably japanese people have probably done it for a
video they do it with bugs and
tigers i’ve seen
those bugs i’ve seen
tigers vs lions they’ve done that they did
tigers vs crocodile an actual
they make them
fight each other
yeah i’m pretty sure it was a japanese video
the same people
who sound i
might not be correct
about that i
might be it
might have been japanese subtitle for
videos somebody else made
but it was a
i saw a tiger
versus a lion i saw
they do a lot
of them with bugs they have like bugs yeah
those stag beetles yeah i saw some documentary
about that it’s really interesting they’re
obsessed with
those beetles
gamble on yeah
but nobody’s gonna
stand up for a beetle
isn’t it funny it’s like then
we know they’re
alive but they’re not
quite close enough for us to give a fuck not quite
sentient you can have like a tv show
where you have
these things battle to the
death and nobody
would freak out
yeah people got pissed off me at the
snail video i did that back in the day
but you just
think about
snails though the
thing about
snails is that people
more relate to
snails than they do to beetles because
snails are soft
and they’re
soft isn’t that
crazy don’t they eat snails
yes we eat snails
yeah but it
doesn’t matter we deer
we love deer
but i think
there’s a certain
we don’t no one gets
upset if you go to the
store and buy ant spray
you know if you’re
gonna go fuck up some ants
there’s no people like
standing in
front of the
ants prey aisle picketing
you know but they’ll go
crazy about kentucky
fried chicken that and cats you can’t
people love cats of course you don’t like cats i can’t
stand them actually we did a
thing on the show
i fucking hate him
you hate him yeah i’m terrible person we did
we shot with a submarine on mega drive
and we decided we’d get a
bunch of cats and
bring them with submarine because cats hate
water so it
would be kind of a
little payback
i mean it’s cute but i just
i just don’t
i don’t know i just am a dog person
maybe it’s a
colon thing
it could be yeah
actually no a friend of mine who
doesn’t have a
colon as well
he he loves cats so
so it doesn’t make any sense
you know what man i
could see your
point though i’ve had
some cunty cats in the past but i’ve got really cool
cats now it’s on what kind of cats are around but dogs
dogs are always more interactive i don’t
hate cats i just
you don’t give a fuck i don’t
wanna injure them i don’t
wanna hurt them
right but i just
don’t give a fuck just want them to be away yeah
yeah get out of here you needy
keep my distance keep
their distance from my
body needy fucking hole
we had we had a peter
up on set for that for the
really decide to decide how many was the
appropriate
number of cats to put in a two man submersible
so many do they
agree on they
under five had to be less than five cats
that’s what
someone was decide arbitraries i know it’s one
thing because it’s
definitely a precedent i don’t
think it’s ever happened before
they never had to decide
what is the
right amount of cats and this cat shit all over shit
all over the
pilot and not
me at all scared
right oh yeah
definitely scared but they were really cool i was
kinda disappointed i was hoping for like
shitty cows
freaked out they’d be
bouncing around like a little rubber bullets
they just said all
right let’s just deal with this i just sat there and
twitched into my thighs
these people have a plan
yeah when we did fear factor they
visit us a bunch of times a
bunch of different
stunts there was some
peter representatives or some animal
you know some some
group representative
i always wanted to make sure that we
weren’t doing anything fucked up from the
horse vagina
union well really
the real issues were like rats
like we did some
stuff with rats you know
where like rats got piled onto each
other and you
know a certain amount of rats on top of each
other it becomes
chaos because there’s a rat
at the bottom there
under 30 layers
of rats what’s happening that rat
yeah it seemed like you also guys had
stunts where like there’s people in like
things of rats where you
could just step on the rats they
stepped on them
yeah i’m sure they did
i like rats i tried to
avoid it but people
would scream and the rat
would bite them and the
fuck i stepped on it
people hate rats man
i feel like they’re pretty cool
well until they’re trying to eat your ass
if you ever
lived in new york city
no but i was in new york city once
and i was at a gas station and i
moved to this
is how long ago this is i didn’t even have a cell phone
and i had to go over to a pay
phone to make a call and i’m
maybe 10 yards away from my car at a pay
phone and i’m
watching rats jump all over my wheels
climb up into my car housing climb down
big ones dude
big ones like
small cats like half the size of a cat
and they’re just jumping all over my
mind whoa this
place is infested
and then they would
climb into the sewer grates
and i’m like what does it look like down there
cause this is fucking nuts
i swear to god man i was in there i was talking on that
phone for maybe two
three minutes
at least a dozen rats
climbed all over my fucking
wheel i see
a lot of rats out here in la i go in my backyard at
night and the
power wires are just
like it’s like a train
yeah i see we get them up here in the hills
zoom downtown a lot
there’s tons
of them down there but nothing like new york i don’t
think because new york has that whole
underground layer
they say there’s more rats than there are people
many more way more yeah
wrap your head around that shit man i used
to date a girl that had a rat that she just like let
run around the whole
house and it was a
smart rat though
i mean that’s the
thing that’s the thing
about it’s weird
you’re taking your chances
they’re pretty smart
right yeah i guess so you take any chances yeah
you know but it’s one of
those things where i’m sure it’s like
it’s like the hot crazy
chick you know it’s
she’s got her she’s crazy
which is we were just talking
about that in the beginning of the show before we ever
started we’re talking
about certain
someone that we know has a certain situation
where there’s a certain hot
chick who’s
crazy as fuck and she’s into him and he’s trying
to figure out what the fuck to do and i’m saying run
run like the breeze
i think you have to i
think you have to try to engage the
animal escaped
and tame it
maybe perhaps
like breaking a
stallion you can’t tame
yeah i think it’s like
breaking stallion
where it’s like most
things were
you have to just
make an attempt to
engage the beast and
and get what you can from it and think
hmm do you say that but you were
young how old
are you well
i’m 29 yeah and but i have
dated i dated a
crazy girl go
crazy she was she was bipolar
and i was in college
and she was one of
those things where
for one ending
that relationship is very difficult because
bipolar people don’t
deal with those type of
things very well
so it was like
you know four am
some painting on my
front door kind of crap like
quick creepy
crazy shit and
i was painting like
things on your front door
it’s like scratching
stuff into the door ooh
and then you
weren’t home you were home
you were sleeping i
think i was yeah she’s
below you awake
clawing it would
yeah i was like a fucking zombie
stuff like that
mean she wasn’t she wasn’t like the craziest
bipolar but there’s
i can definitely
have have sympathy for the
for that situation it’s something i
think a lot of people get into because it’s that
thing where
they’re black people like who are bipolar
very intriguing
yeah because they’re because they’re
crazy but they’re also like
maybe very talented
or interesting
or like prints in purple rain yeah
or also just totally mysterious
if i always say that if i
had a time machine i can go back in time to when i was
seventeen that’s what i do i go straight
straight fucking mystery
prince and purple rain i’d be wearing
fucking big coats to
school girls
would think i
would be amazing yeah
a big trench coat and shit i have
secrets lots of secrets
i’ll be very dark
that would be nice that’s the move for dumb
chicks man be a mystery
they love it yeah you know he’s so different
maybe like thelonious monk i’ve gotta go
like batman probably living up in a castle somewhere
in the dark like thelonious monk there go he’s a
musician he’s brilliant have secrets
he’s amazing he
doesn’t like to give interviews
he doesn’t even have cell phones oh my god he’s amazing
oh if you don’t have a cell
phone that would be like a chick magnet yeah
right i don’t have email
i don’t believe in it i don’t do email
i’m all about the moment i’m all
about interacting with people i want the real
experience but then norm mcdonald
would be really hot right now if that was the case
well he does have a phone
yeah he does have a phone and he’s
white too we didn’t know he was talking to me
about normals on our
plane when we were flying back from detroit
we’re in detroit
by the way ann arbor michigan fucking rocks we had a
great time dude me and
tommy segora did the comedy showcase in ann arbor
fuck what a great club
perfect size like two hundred
fifty people low ceiling
super awesome town
everybody was all
stoners and cool people
apparently it’s like a
it’s like really hip
area of of michigan and arbors
like a college town
this dude who
lived there so this is like a like a mini austin
frozen yeah it’s nice there
it’s nice audiences were fucking great
it was it was a good fucking time what was my
point we were talking about
nor mcdonald not having oh
so norm was on the way back we were on the phone
while we’re on the
plane with him just
randomly sitting next to him
which is cool
it happened once before
where he was actually the seat next to me that’s
right i was with him yeah
yeah yeah he
doesn’t have a cell
phone he doesn’t have a he does now he does but
he was looking at the iphone 4 like it was some fucking
time machines like hands
and thinking
about getting one of
those is it good
iphone 4 huh
i would love not to have a
phone that would be nice
it’s like i
can’t do it
though norm
doesn’t drive i
would love that to drive
really yeah i can’t
stand drive you’re on a show
where you drive that’s the irony
i mean i don’t
like driving i don’t like driving like my car
on the 134 like you know
traffic driving in the city is the most
uninspiring
experience in the
whole life like
every time i get in the car
it’s like my
brain just becomes that much less
powerful it just
crushes my my friend
tony v told me something once
he was a tony v is a
comic from boston
and he was making this trek
from new york
to boston he was doing on a regular basis like a
three hour drive
and i was you know he had
to do what he had to do he had a gig in new york and he
lived in boston
so i was like
how what is that like what are you doing
are you going crazy
this fucking
drive that’s a nutty drive duo
he goes i just goes in
he goes i just
in my car i’m driving i go this is what i’m doing now
and that’s how i look at it
i go wow i never even thought
about that way that really is like
you can decide that this fucking sucks i can’t
meanwhile how bad does
it suck really what are you doing you’re sitting right
you know oh requires your concentration you
think you’re
gonna be okay
i just hate that that that sometimes i
space out so much when i
drive because i need
to that that i’m like
what have i been doing for ten minutes
did i kill anybody
where am i weird feeling yeah
alive you you have no idea how you’re taking this
right turn right you’re in the middle of the
right turn going whoa i’ve done
everything correct right
yeah i think
maybe maybe i didn’t
of course you did
otherwise you would have woken up out of your
trance maybe but it’s good it
was autopilot right
if you do a
route over and over and over and over and over
again like that man you really
can go on autopilot that i don’t mind but it’s the
stuff where you can’t go on autopilot
cause i feel like in la you can’t
cause people
who strive so
aggressively all the time
you have to be on
to be defensive to like some
continent too many
humans volkswagen
so much different when i
lived in boulder people
drove so much nicer
so much more polite it was
a big big big difference to the
point where when i came back when i was doing i was
going back and forth when i was over there for two
months then i came back
and i was like whoa this is crazy
like you really
wrap your head around how fucking fast everybody’s
going everybody’s trying to
take that right turn on red even
when someone’s coming they just fucking gun the gas
and i was like whoa what is that saving you two
seconds what the fuck is going on
whereas in boulder there
was like none of that everybody was waving in everybody
and everybody was driving straight
that’s what
i like to do if like someone like cuts me off really
aggressively like to pull up next to him just be like
hey hey hey how you doing like i’m
fucking crazy
how’s it going hey
brandi’s gonna
rear end brandy
brandy the singer
what how dare you she got
shot somebody
she no she did she fucking killed somebody yeah she’s
that’s why i do not get it all if you’re
rich and famous like that
and you’re like you’re
gonna go out and be crazy
why not just
get someone to do
the first thing
i do is like
paris hilton
should never be driving why
would you well i
think a lot
of them are real private and they don’t want anybody
to be in their life like that all the time well
you hire a hot
chick to be your driver
they don’t want
their freedom to be
taken away they want to be able to just i want to
leave right now
you know and get your car and go you don’t
want but you could
have their freedom
twenty four hours
you could but you
gotta plan it out you know they like having a car
but i’m totally in
agreement with you yeah
i think there’s like
an illusion of freedom with
car it just happens
what she did is a fuck up
could happen to anybody
could have brandy
party yeah it wasn’t yeah it’s
unfortunate
that’s like the
worst person ever to happen to
i guess i’m
thinking more like paracel lindsay
lohan types like why
they are driving at all all coped up because they’re
partying man
but they’re
getting the free gone
right but lindsay lohan
it keeps causing herself problems all if
she just call it
problems i call it
entertainment
okay let’s be real
about this it’s
not that big of a problem she’s not living in liberia
fighting off cannibals right well
this one thing they
should have done with her is you know
everyone has a theory i’ll fix her
this is the this is the best day they
could have done because
i was la county
problem right so she goes
talking about this i
gotta piss okay
she goes it’s la county
problem so she goes to la
county court
system what they
should have done it
should have mandated her to be
the public spokesperson for metro
for los angeles
metro make her take the fucking bus
that’ll be like the best
sentence for her
you just force her
take the bus
she’s got a
bunch of bodyguards whatever she has to take the bus
and you can get around fine on public
transit in los angeles people do it and almost
be fun to try to get on the same bus as lindsay lohan
that will be such a
great thing for
metro because they need
all the positive
stuff they can get because they’re just
like vilified constantly
you know as they
should be kind of but
and it would also be like the perfect
punishment fits the
crime kind of
thing for her
absolutely so but
why they didn’t you
know no one ever
thinks to do something actually insightful as far as a
punishment goes because it’s
yeah i want
to try my shot at dating lindsay
lohan i think i
think it would be one of
those fixer
uppers you know probably a little bit harder
than the most normal girl yeah it just seems like
that she definitely does not have a normal that
probably does not
well she’s lesbian now that’s why
we’ve already we’ve already
talked about how you can’t fix a man
wait who’s a lesbian
yeah she was
she’s not like a well she’s not a hundred percent
lesbian but
she was dating
sam samantha
for a long time
she’s a mark good dj
why do we care what’s
wrong with us
because she’s a
good dj and her brothers are good musicians
she’s actually respectable i’d say
she picked a good
lesbian yeah
but i feel like that’s most people who
is a lesbian because
like whoever gives you
the most attention what’s that she met a
bunch of douchebag kids
that and like
if you meet
she probably met some
lesbian who
did the mind meld
and like you know you are mine
kind of thing hmm
speaking of
lesbians yeah
what about him
i don’t know they’re awesome
brian’s a big fan of them
yeah lesbians
are attracted to me
well he’s the next step in the evolutionary
chain you know it goes monkey to man
brian somewhere in there
oh man i get mistaken for lesbian
so i guess i’m higher
more involved do you i’m attracted to you
i bet you could pull that shit off
yeah i feel like i
could pull it off too well which is be like
well today anybody can have
you ever seen that male porn star that used to be a
chick i think
his name is joe buck
have you ever
seen it it’s really
crazy because i
guess he takes a
bunch of testosterone
takes a bunch of testosterone
excuse me and he’s altered his body
and his shape
go look it up real quick
look go to google google that shit
right now because
you need to see it because it’s really strange
why did you find out
about this it was the
wolves and they’re like i’m hornet i need
it’s not joe buck joe buck is a
sports guy okay so wrong
joe buck is you are you are you are
a cowboy that’s john what’s joe buck wasn’t yeah
hbo guy he’s um like a espn hbo type
guy it’s not him it’s another one well now he’s gonna
joe rogan you called me a
transvestite
well i had a thing with this fucking male or
mma reporter recently
yeah that’s retarded
what do you mean well
there was a good comeback by the way that’s a douchebag
i’m sorry take that out and make it a cocksucker
i call him a faculty
the guy’s an asshole and
this is my deal with the guy
i don’t even need to say this guy’s
name but what this guy does is he goes and he works for
various websites and critiques
mixed martial artists
guys who are fighting
these tournaments and he says a lot of really fucking
stupid mean shit
like just just dumb
insensitive and incorrect
and he does it all the time and i
would read it and it
would drive me
crazy because i know that this is a person who is
for sure has
never fought and competed because if they did they’d
have more respect for the people that are competing
he’s so he shits on the
fighters or oh yeah yeah yeah
i’ll read you some of the dumb shit
that he says because he says a lot of really i don’t
understand that
it’s like that’s like people who talk shit
about about
like soldiers and stuff
well you know you
say that i can
understand you know
thinking that war is
wrong and you can
people yeah but that’s different than
talking about soldiers
i think that westboro
baptist church the pickets soldiers
oh yeah god hates facts the god hates
right i mean
there’s like a
so this guy
i got upset with this guy
because this is one of the
things that happened was he criticized me about
a technique a martial arts technique
there’s a bunch of different names
for this technique and one of them is the right one
well he’s on a practitioner of martial arts so he only
knows one name for this technique so he criticized me
and he said i was clueless
which is so i got
annoyed and i
wrote that this guy’s a dumb cunt and
this is exactly what it’s called
and before it was ever that
it was something else so this is just my response to it
and then i start
going over some of
this guy’s articles and all the shit that he’s written
about other
fighters and i
start reading some of the shit that he
wrote and there’s more
it’s always negative
cunty shit he did it
about this guy sean mccorkle and did it
about this guy jake shields
so then i go to his
fucking his twitter and it’s all just negative
negative negative
it looks like
i have no ideas no
photos of him online are you serious no
photos how is
that possible he’s just around balls he probably knows
he knows that uh
you know he
doesn’t want to put it out there because he knows he’s
gonna just get it
so i just go off on this guy and i call him a faggot
so after i call him a faggot
he makes this post
saying that i used a
homophobic slur
and this is
my favorite part
about it that i needed to apologize to
it was like a
weird quote
it wasn’t just
the lesbian was like
lesbian gay lbg sexual
transgender and queer
oh wow queers in
their tier queers and
very informed with all these
well it’s just
weird that the
first of all
if that’s a real acronym is it an acronym if it
doesn’t say a word
um i don’t know
right i think
it is yeah i
think it is
right if it’s a
bunch of letters like cia
it’s not you don’t say
sia yeah it’s
still an act
it’s like nasa
stands for a national economic
space administration nasa
but a cia it’s not
you just say you have to say the letters i think
it’s still an
acronym though is it yeah
okay well anyway
so he makes this ridiculous
thing that you know
completely dodging the fact that he was
absolutely incorrect
all these people
told him that is the correct name for this and the k1
expert the guy who does k1 kickboxing
michael sievella
he jumps on the thread and he does all this
all this guy’s doing is
rallying on the fact that i called him a faggot
you know that i’ve said this hurtful thing
so you know and
we’ve had this conversation
so many fucking times and i see everyone’s point
i see you say well it’s a
homophobic slur
and you shouldn’t say it i get that i get that
but isn’t intent what’s supposed to be important
about words
absolutely yeah
isn’t that when you it totally is
you know he’s knows i’m not
calling him a homosexual i’m calling him a fact well
maybe i’ll know
you probably were in that term though because i
wasn’t though because
there’s nothing
wrong with gay people yeah
no problem with actual gay people that word has
changed so much not to being
yeah it’s not even a bad word
for gay people anymore is it because well
it is a faggot
it’s a sensitive
topic right now gay used to be fun and grand
and we’ll have a gay old time
that’s the fucking flintstones man
now gay is but is gay
is homosexual well even
even the word gay
just barely means
i almost never hear someone say
something is gay when they’re talking about
someone oh that that
that coffee pots gay they don’t
mean that coffee pot is fucking just sucks coffee pot
they mean it’s like
stupid or boring or dumb what
great gets me when it’s really
gross is this artificial outrage
yeah you know that you’re gonna
press this button and now you’ve got a magic gift
a magic gift
you left behind the sack and i pick it’s like the
world of warcraft
he said faggot oh
look what i’ve got
right i’ve got a new
trick and i’m
gonna make a big deal you
should apologize
cause you use the magic
you know somehow or another it changes what happened
because you’ve
said this word now you’re an insensitive person yeah
you know this fucking hot button word like dad
dad he called me a faggot
like he’s changing the
whole argument instead
of it being he’s an incompetent idiot
who doesn’t really know anything
about martial arts and is inherently negative and
everything he says is
basically like he grabs the thesaurus
tries to sound intelligent
says a bunch of
stupid shit
and just wrong over and over and over and over
again i mean i can fucking tell you
these all these
i mean it’s
if you go to
the joe rogan
net forums the message
board there’s a thread
and the threads entitled
in the combat
sports forum
official thomas
rios thread of incompetence and debauchery
and douchery rather
it’s amazing because it’s over and over
again this guy being an asshole and being wrong
being an asshole and being wrong
this is the sad
state of mma
today the journalists in
mma are so bad
there’s like a few
standouts and a
bunch of loudmouth
contrarian douchebags that’s the case of
journalism in general i feel like i feel like no one
there’s maybe
three actual
journalists
doing anything
i wanna say
three there’s a lot
i know what
you’re saying though
i know what you’re
saying everyone’s a reporter no one’s a journalist
and everyone’s trying to
get attention
on themselves not
based on their merits
but based on being an asshole
there’s a guy
that i respect very much his name is
ariel alwani and he’s a
journalist he’s a
great guy too and
every time he interviews someone
it’s a really
intelligent well thought out interview he’s
never negative he’s always positive
and he’s a universally
loved reporter because of this
if he was a writer it
would be the same goddamn
thing he would be universally loved
there’s guys like that that get
their attention that way and there’s guys like this
so i decided to go
after this guy
so i decided to do shit all over him and i wrote a
response to his
being upset that i said faggot
and i said i apologize and i understand
that even though
i love that word people can view it the wrong way
so please replace the word faggot
with cocksucker okay
what the fuck man
love that one
this is the dumb game we’re playing
it’s the word he said the
magic word you can’t
say you know what i mean
motherfucker
you know stop
playing stop pretending i’m shitting on all
these gay people because
i love gay people i have no problem with gay people
i don’t like
douchebags i don’t like assholes i don’t like cunts
you know you want to call them faggots whatever
you want to call them you know what i’m talking about
i’m not talking about
a negative name for homosexual people and
we are getting
tied up in fucking pc
bullshit in this country
we are appeasing people who are pretending to be hurt
and you know why
because life’s too fucking soft
that’s why because
food is easy you can go to burger king or the fucking
supermarket
you don’t have to go hunt it
so we’re raising a
bunch of pussies and faggots
and it has nothing to do with gay
it has to do with people being weak dumb bitches
soft and looking for an easy way out
and i’m gonna win the lottery and i’m gonna
ooh you said that now i win ooh
just a bunch of
weird bitches just looking for tricks
and it’s a huge problem we have with this country
and it should not be in the craziest
most pure and real
sport in the
world this sport
mixed martial arts should be
about honor
it should be about
two dudes given
their all and risking
everything putting it all on the line and they
should be treated with respect
there’s going to be ones that aren’t as good as
others there’s
going to be people that try and fail
and maybe they’ll
learn and maybe they won’t
maybe other people will
learn from their mistakes
and that’s their contribution to the
sport but you have to respect and honor
every single one of them
and for some fucking anonymous cunt
some shithead
to be just sitting behind a computer just
on these guys left and
right and left and right
it’s disgusting
and you can do one or two
things you can do nothing
or you can do to him
what he does to
other people and make him feel it
so that’s what i decided to do
i don’t really give a fuck
about this guy
if this guy got hit in the head by a meteor it
wouldn’t change my pulse
i don’t give a fuck
but i think that
things like this
should be you
should point out
things like this
being an a positive person is a really important
thing being nice to people as much as possible
is a really important
thing but another important thing is
cutting assholes off at the root
stopping them
yeah you have
to call people out on something yes you have to because
by not creating
this negativity and dealing with douchebags you you
allow more negativity somebody has to do something
i mean the reason
why hitler didn’t take over the world is
cause someone fucking stepped up and did something
or groups of people stepped up and did something
whenever someone’s
and i’m not comparing this due to hitler
you grandiose douchebag are you oh
what are you the
beach at normandy
you fucking
storming like hitler
i hear that
obama i hear that
obama is like hitler isn’t it
of course he’s black bro
don’t you follow the tea party song
you are a white
boy you know the handshake
obama’s hillary’s also
mussolini with what’s yours indonesian
he’s a canyon
he’s a communist
indonesian stalin
worshipper i forgot about that
yeah is there ever gonna be a president we love
again is there ever gonna be
anyway cause everybody wanted
me to address this that’s what i had address this
i don’t really
give a fuck what that guy does i don’t faggotry my
brian says that that’s my i
think that words hurtful
what’s important in this life is that
you get checked
every now and then you know
when someone said this in one of the threads on the
mixed martial arts form
they said on
mixed martial
arts com they said this dude needs his ass kicked
and when you get your ass kicked at some
point in your life
that really
beats the douche out of you and a lot of people have
never gotten
their ass kicked and this guy
clearly has
a humbling experience
yeah he’s just being an asshole over and over and over
again sport
doesn’t need that shit man you know if you want to
bring that to
fucking problems
or whatever that this sport like
it’s like a magnet to that attitude well
it’s because
there’s a lot of people that are involved in this
sport that don’t train
that’s what it is they’re not
most people
probably though a lot
lot a lot do you know
you know but a lot don’t and the ones that don’t well
even the ones
that don’t a lot of the ones that don’t are really cool
they just appreciate the
effort and they love the
sport they love to follow it and they
do they want to be a part of it
there’s a lot but
there’s a lot of them that are just cunts
you know and
they need to be outed
you know you need to let them know hey this is not cool
no you shouldn’t be hiring cunts
no you shouldn’t be letting cunts
spread their bullshit if they want to develop
their own shit and
start their own website
there’s nothing you do i’m not saying you
should stop that
but what i’m
saying is you shouldn’t be fucking paying cunts
money faggot
so yeah there’s a really good
south park episode surprisingly enough
about about the word faggot
would faggot
heard about that is like bikers or something yeah it’s
very you know as usual
those guys hit the nail on the head
very accurate
about it but it’s
it breaks it down to where
all the kids are calling
these bikers
like these you know loud
hells angel type
how they do
you know harley harley drivers
riders but calling faggots
and like i was getting up in arms because they’re
using that word
you know like
they’re like you can’t say that
about gay people like
what we never say anything
about gay people we’re talking about
these assholes on the
motorcycles they’re faggots
like what do you mean what do you mean
and it’s like it’s so accurate because it’s like these
you know they’re children they’re like
we don’t have a problem with gay people
right it’s probably
these guys playing
these driving
their loud ass
motorcycles
through like next to our
school it’s
magic words you know
look it’s anytime
you have any
hateful feeling towards anyone for no reason
other than the fact that they’re part of a
group that’s not you
whether it’s
black or gay or
woman or whatever the fuck it is
there’s something
wrong with that
absolutely inherently there’s something
wrong with that
but it needs to be
about intent it can’t be
about hot button
magic words it needs to be about
what i mean it can’t
be one word that means something that’s dehumanizing
can’t be you know because that’s
silly you can’t
allow a word to be that
powerful it’s
like a landmine or something it’s like look
but like no one’s
ashamed of being straight
right i don’t know anyone that’s a shame
i’m sure there must be someone but you know
generalizing
there’s one
crazy dude i wish it was good must be
i’m sure if you can think
about it right
but then you
would probably be gay if you thought that
right but what i’m saying is people are comfortable
with being gay because they’re not persecuted
or with being straight because they’re not persecuted
it should be exactly the same with gay people
it should be that they’re so comfortable
with being gay that
if gay people came out with
a slang term for straight people
of gay people came out with a derogatory term
like you fucking
breeder yeah
breeders are close
to something
where people
would feel like god i can’t believe you called me that
there’s nothing it
doesn’t exist it can’t happen
it should be exactly the same
with gay people
it should be
you call a gay guy a faggot and he’s like what are you
are you you
really you’re making fun of me because i like guys
yeah i like guys who gives a fuck what’s
wrong with you
like what’s
wrong with you
stupid and that’s how people
would feel someone called you a breeder
it should be even that’s that’s the real answer
the real answer is not stop
magic words
the real answer is everybody
should be the fucking same you
should be able to call everyone a faggot
it shouldn’t mean anything
it shouldn’t be
magic words
nigger shouldn’t be a
magic word cunt shouldn’t be a
magic word faggot
shouldn’t be a
magic word it’s nonsense
you should be able to bring
those up freely in meetings and business meetings yeah
right the more you say it the less
power that the
world has so
i had a business meeting yesterday
about my t shirts i got this
clothing line called higher
prime and clothing dot com
and the guys who are the artist that are
behind it they’re all
these fucking really cool
artist dudes with
crazy tattoos and
it’s a business
meeting and it was like cotton fuck and it was all
i saw this on the internet and i saw that and i said
this dude said he
sent this guy is like one of the head guys over there
he tells me he sent one guy one cup of you ever
watch that one guy
one guy one cup one guy
one jar be one guy one jar i’m glad i
haven’t seen that he squats over
a glass jar
and it goes inside of his body and
breaks in his anus
and it comes out in bloody
chunks yes he
shoves it into his you
wanna watch it
right now i don’t i
think the description
is this guy
this is how
crazy this guy is this is my business meeting i had
he goes so i sent it to my mom saying here’s some new
pictures of your grandson
no way yeah
awesome i sent it to my mom saying here’s my kid
check it out
some people just
have so then he goes and then
she calls him up you’re sick she’s a
crazy christian lady apparently
he’s like you’re sick and you’re
going to hell you’re
going to hell he goes
wow i just said okay i’m sorry i’m
sorry i just have to ask one thing
did you watch the
whole thing
of course i did yeah she said that he goes well
guess what you’re
going to hell
too you knew what the fuck you were doing you
could have shut that off you
watched the
whole thing
yeah but that’s how it
should be man it
should be this fucking formal fake world
you know part of the reason why
so many people got fucked over in
the financial crisis
and so many people like put
trust into this imaginary fucking
stock market
and financial system
non existent
because it seems like it’s all official
and everyone’s buttoned down and everyone’s
dressed the
right way and they’re wearing
ties and wearing business suits and they
wouldn’t fuck me over
they show up in
their leather
briefcase and
they look official and they’re doing all the right
things they’re not saying all the bad words
because i wouldn’t trust my
money to one of
those fellas yeah if you say
yeah if you walked in saying
cunt faggot nigger
you know and that’s the name of
hi welcome to our
this is our bond company it’s called cunt faggot nigger
and we’re here to take your shit
and we’re gonna make a lot of
money come on let’s do this woo you
ready dude give me a high five
like this guy shaky i don’t
trust with my money
you know he has to be like
super reserved
slick button down predetermined
patterns of behavior
easily predictable he’s a gentleman
he has a fucking
scarf in his pocket you know the whole deal
it seems like politicians the same
thing where you can’t be
if you fall outside that mode of politician you’re a
whack he’s a wacko
he’s a loon
like ron paul yeah
people think
ron paul is
absolutely crazy when the guy
has written he knows more
about economic policy than any person sitting on
any congressman
there’s a very when you ever
think that just because people
think someone’s crazy that
it’s a good
thing that you
should pay attention
watch there’s
videos of hitler
and it’s back before
world war two
erupted where he was talking
about requests from i
guess it was the united nations at the time
was asking him not to invade certain
countries as nazis
and he starts listing off the names of the
countries like he
thinks it’s a joke
he says one and then he
pauses and then he says and this one it’s all in german
he’s saying belgium
and france and this and they
start laughing
their fucking
asses off they
think it’s so
funny because
he’s making a joke out of the
fact that they didn’t just ask him to not invade france
they ask him to not invade all
these other
places because they
think we’re
gonna do it
and everybody starts
laughing you know
that’s how fucking
crazy people can be yeah you can never
think that just because the masses
think it’s funny that it makes sense
you know that the masses are
going along with it that it makes
sense most people are fucking crazy
the reason why society works
at all i mean the fact that society works at all is
amazing magic
trick it’s incredible
it’s amazing
when you think
about how fucked up most people are
you know most people
but yet somehow or another all together we create this
magically complicated
society where
people get in fucking
metal tubes and fly all around the world and
land into these
electronic jungles of
lights and it’s amazing it all works the way it does
because if it was for most people i mean it’s just
a tiny fraction of the
population it’s keeping the technological level
at the level that
it is today
most people are in the
stone age practically
yeah a ton of them
well we would be too
we all are a part of this
thing that’s been created
by other people
before us i mean this is all shit from my last special
but i did a joke
about it where i said
if i left you
alone in the woods with a hatchet
how long before you
could send me an email yeah
probably never yeah
we don’t know how any
of this shit works we just use it and we
turn it on that’s why i really feel like this at some
point people can
start getting information sickness that whole
possible idea that
you know your
brain won’t be
able to cope with the
how fast technologies advancing
imagine what it’s
gonna be like
right now exactly imagine what it’s
gonna be like like a few
just a few hundred years from now when they
talk about if there are people left yeah
if they talk
about this age
this is the
age of change this is the really big change this
should breakneck
change because
things are happening faster this
technology is
changing faster than the humans who
consume it can absorb it
yeah you remember when you were a kid when they
started talking
about the days of the teletype they were
like whoa they figured that out they figured out how to
go t d d d d morse code and shit and send
sounds through the water and
that’s weird
cause i have younger
two younger
sisters and one of them is
you know she’s i
guess about
ten years younger than marymore
and so she grew up
with the internet
which she was like you know
since she could remember
but i i learned
about the internet you know kind of after
like midway through high school
started doing
stuff with it but then
it came like a big
thing in college so was like i didn’t
learn about it i didn’t grow up with it
and like the
the years that matter
so it’s not like ingrained in my
it’s not ingrained in me but they’re
gonna be so much
smarter than us yeah
but they’re
smart it’s like a different sort of
thing it’s like they know
one thing well there’s also all this
stuff they just can’t they just can’t do like there’s
other things like
anything that takes like a long
amount of attention or like
anything it takes
anything outside the computer
world is difficult
difficult yeah
chopping wood yeah
coming up with the impetus to build a house right
it’s almost impossible yeah
it’s yeah it’s weird right fuck
things are changing fast man this is the
first generation we’ve had that’s been all
on the online since
for growing up online so my two year old she’s two
and a half years old she knows how to find her favorite
movies on itunes
yeah it’s incredible it’s okay that’s awesome
that’s kinda
creepy it’s
crazy it’s crazy
she sees icons she recognizes
characters and you know she likes beauty and the
beast she goes oh it’s
belle it’s belle she
clicks on shit and
she sees the little play
arrow she knows what that is she hits play right wow
this is nuts man she’s already
tuned in she needs a
mouse probably
right she can use a
mouse in the keyboard
yeah well most yeah she knows how to use a
trackpad too
she doesn’t use a
trackpad she’s two and a half
that’s crazy
yeah it’s like a
disconnect it doesn’t
doesn’t make
sense it really
should make any
sense that’s
weird so weird she knows how to
scroll through an iphone
she scrolls
songs and shit with her fingers i’ve
never seen that before
that would be
crazy it’s bizarre
she scrolls through looking for her favorite games
she like picks up the iphone she’s
scrolling through and it’s as big as her head
she’s fucking two
and she’s like looking oh and then she
clicks on it
and then her
little game
starts playing then she
turns it up she’s playing a game like this is anything
else man i’m not
gonna talk to people in ten years if like that
there’s gonna be like
such a massive
disconnect from people who
there might not be people in ten years
there might not
there might be
might choose spooky music
we might have
a place where
the conette
now this is the end of the show ladies and gentlemen
this bitch went two and a half hours
all right we did it
johnny pemberton is a bad motherfucker and you
should follow him on twitter
folks because he wants to be amazed
how many new people he gets today
watch this new show the show is on
thursdays at 11 p m on mtv
mega drive mega
drive and is on what time
thursday 11 p m thursday 11 p m
you gotta watch it i think
can you give us a preview what happens this week
this week well i think it’s thanksgiving so we’re off
okay but the next week i am riding in that crazy
swamp rocket in florida
oh i’m tuned into
that one i think it’s the yard the
crane the crazy all terrain train
crane that is crane crane yeah
and yeah i think
i mean you can see i’ll have post there’s a
ton of extra footage
and update tools you can see on my website or and
what’s your facebook address just my name just johnny
pemberton p e m b e
r t o n that’s j o h n n y
p e m b e r
t o n and he’s
that’s johnny pemberton on twitter so it’s
you know how to do
it bitch you know how to do it you’re not
stupid i’m not
gonna fucking call you like a baby it’s a whole one
thank you everybody in detroit
like i said we had a
great fucking time
thank you johnny for coming over here
thank you brian
thank you flashlight
thank you flashlight yes
thank you flashlight for
sponsoring our podcast and
if you never fuck one of
those you don’t know what you’re missing
that’s my fucking
standard thing that i say but it
is true it’s an excellent masturbation tool and my new
flashlight bit is killing them son
i got a new bit
it’s getting longer and longer every week
we may do one of
these bitches
tomorrow i know i lied to you last week and i said we
might do it
again but i got busy last week i had to do a show
and johnny pemberton and i are
gonna do a show tomorrow
night at the improv
at comedy juice 10 pm improv
on melrose all
right that’s it that’s the end of our show
thank you very much as always i love you bitches
stay positive
keep it together
follow the correct path
you can do it
you are not you of yesterday
you are the product of your
learning and your
experiences and what you know you can be
yes i agree bye faggots johnny bye bye bye cunts
that’s gonna leave a mark
the bracket for the day to come
techno logic yeah techno logic yeah techno logic yeah
techno logic
take my logic let’s go get a cool logic
game over