The Joe Rogan Experience #56 - Johnny Pemberton

the joe rogan experience

recording are we recording just to the mp3 oh shit mp3

holla i’m here three pm

johnny pemberton is all up in this bitch

so is joe rogan holla back

let’s do it

here we go buy it use it break it fix it

trash it change it mail upgrade it charge it

point it zoom it press it snap it work it quick

erase it right

get it paste it save it load

it check it quick rewrite it plug

it play it burn it rip it drag it drop it zip

unzip it lock it fill it cool

it find it view it coded gem and lock it surf it

scroll it pose it click it cross it

crack it twitch update it name it read it tune it

print its can it send it fax me name it touch it

bring it down babe

watch it turn it leave it stop for a minute

if it’s tough or mad at

technology that’s

that’s a song that’s not really

a song strange it turns into

more of a song but yeah

it starts out just words

right are there electronic words right

yeah so it is sort of

a musical note right yeah

sort of i mean it’s electronic right

yeah it’s instructions

yeah it’s like digital music

right i mean it isn’t right it’s a sound

it’s in harmony it’s music yeah that’s daft

punk punk technology

and actually did you know daft punk did the

whole new tron movie coming out that the

whole entire soundtrack for it that’s

crazy i live with it

it’s kind of interesting now these digital musicians

you know because they’re

legit musicians

and for the longest time a guy who even played

keyboards you remember when jump came out for van halen

and everybody was like

what the fuck is all this

duh duh duh

duh that’s like

electronic bullshit

that’s not fucking rock and roll

rock and roll

guitar just to legitimize

guitars and fucking

drums and shit that’s hard you feel the echo that the

chords actually ring

we won’t get food

again it’s not

but man shit has come a long way

now it’s like an art form

of itself you know

digital music is legit now

that we want your soul song that we played here before

yeah i fucking love that song man

that song creeps me out man

yeah it’s a good song

before we go any further

let’s introduce our guests he is johnny pemberton

you may have

known him or may know him from mtv’s mega drive

and i’m watching a video of it right now

it’s available online

and he gets in some fucking dope ass orange

badass dick mobile

i don’t know what it is but it looks awesome

the sports car

yeah this is we have to say before we go

any further our podcast is sponsored by the flashlight

have you ever used one of

these fella

i have not you ever touched one

i haven’t touched one nobody’s

had sex with that so you can put

your finger inside of

it they are

our only sponsor

for the show

and they’re really nice guys we hang out

with them when we’re in austin they’re fucking great

chris chris

marcus one of

the guys who works the company has actually

been on the podcast

so self defense version of that something where

it looks like

self defense

clock somebody with that over the head you know

it would be better for his

metal instead of fake

pussy so to do

or if you had the container

with some sort of like

shards on the outside of it you

could be yeah i

guess that’s

just a weapon that’s like a cudgel then you’re

going back in time if you’re

gonna have something this big shouldn’t you have a gun

maybe maybe you can’t have a gun i don’t know guns

aren’t that

cheap and that’s

not that expensive

in bed or something

that’s true

but a lot of people

sleep with a gun

under their pillow

talk about having some fucking

crazy dreams that’s

how about that suck

roll over in your you

sleep and you feel the cold gun like oh yeah it’s

under my pillow

i’m paranoid

about having a gun in my

house just because if i come home too

stoned or drunk one day i’m like who for guns

can imagine having it

in bed when you’re half asleep

going really

can you get that stoned

well i mean

drunk and drunk and

stone together i

guess yeah that’s a not a good

combo it’s like

you’re enlightened and you’re sure of it

right i’m scared i

like shoot somebody

that is what it is

right drunk and

stone is like you’re enlightened and you’re arrogant

about it it’s like you’re

tuned into the

universe and you’ll want everybody to know come on man

i got fucking tuned in

so what was this orange car that i’m

watching you

drive this fucking insane

sports car that is a

spiker c eight

lobby a lot

it’s like a custom made

sports car cost like

three hundred thousand dollars something like that damn

it’s like the

whole inside is bespoke

and it was really nice it was kind of

thing where

i was one of the few

things i was really afraid to

drive because

unlike you know

three hundred thousand dollar

scoop loader or something

those things are

meant to get

dirty and kinda

right and kick it but this thing

i sat on the hood of it and

afterwards he was like you realize you could have

destroyed that car just

because it’s aluminum

yeah you can’t sit on someone’s hood when they got a

300 000 car

i kind of like

i’m looking at you

right now son

is laying on it

are you fucking evenly distributing my weight oh

you’re like a geisha

you would even

crush a pea i was laying upon it

it’s like the princess and the pea

that’s how it was that story

he sort of she chastised me for that because

i guess even a dent

would be paying for it yeah man you can’t

be fucking with a car like this you’re supposed to

drive it gingerly did you go off the

track at all we did

he was driving and we

tried to do the

stunt where

we pulled it onto a moving red carpet where

you might be able to see this i’m

watching you put

nails out for somebody that was for my car we

hadn’t raced my car

which is 1990

it’s a 2001

honda accord

why did you have them blow out your tires

oh cuz why not i

guess you know just for a tv show

it’s not like it’s that shit’s dangerous

though isn’t it

he’s a professional driver

so he had it

but he had no idea that you were

gonna do that to him

and it was really your car he

had some idea of something’s

gonna happen okay yeah so he knew

they sign away everything

of course yeah

that’s what they did on fear factor to sign away

everything but so

tell me the premise of the

series cause

i’m seeing you

right now you got to

drive this killer car

and then you fuck up your car

it’s pretty simple the premise it’s

one of those

things where

it’s very simple it’s also kind of hard

to explain as soon as people see it like oh i get it

right away somebody

said the video but

basically i

travel around the country

and i drive or fly or

go inside of different sort of

weird vehicles like submarines or

tanks stunt planes

fighter jets anything like that all kinds of

weird stuff

and i meet the guys who

own operate or have

built these

things and i

kinda you know get to know him

um get to know the

vehicle and then i

learn how to

drive and i

get a little when you’re

driving this 300 thousand dollar car i’m

watching now

you guys are driving it up a ramp onto a moving

truck that’s

where we almost

crashed oh my god i’m

watching it

right now went sideways and spun out yeah and he was

he was freaked out that was that was about

that was the dumbest idea ever

the fucking ramp had a carpet on it the

carpet sliding

on a moving red carpet

that was ridiculous

son well that’s the big

point of the show is like we do all

these things

that you’re not supposed to do with these

vehicles so it’s like top gear for retards yeah

i don’t know but

for retards not to

retards for me yeah

it’s my kind of retard

not retarded like real like

down syndrome

but retarded like i’m a retard

and the whole idea is that i really have no

i’m not a good driver i’m

not a professional driver and we know i’m doing it all

you must be getting better all this

driving though i’m getting better i feel like i can opt

during these zombie

apocalypse i’ll be able to jump into one of

36 different

vehicles and operate them to plow i think

on a racetrack like this like what you’re here

right now this looks like a fucking fun

place to drive

a fast car it was pretty fun having a fast car on the

street is kind of

stupid you know because if you

crashed into

somebody god you feel like such a douchebag

yeah you can’t

open it up either you can’t really let it let it out

right but having

something like this like you’ve got here on this track

that must be so much fun i need to do that

that’s something you need to do you could

probably easily do that like you rent the track yeah

and you just run a car

right to let you run on your poor you

bring your own car yeah

i want to get like a nice

honda civic

just ready to die

honda civic

you can just

destroy it to

death now you look like such a nice young man

you look like like a very friendly

not violent

not crazy person

i’m a friendly guy

i’m a friendly guy but

you like to

smash i am i

definitely there is

definitely is a

you don’t necessarily get what you see with me

fully so a lot of people are

shocked when i

you know say fuck or something like that

right so wait

who what are you so it’s kind of

cool for you hosting the show you know yeah it’s really

great because to me it’s

you know i’m a

stand up comedian

stuff so that’s what i

do normally

would be doing anyways is just

running my mouth right

and being a smartass

which is kind of the

what i do on the show


we’re actually doing a show tomorrow

night together

we’re both yeah

we are at the hollywood yeah

this is like the

ultimate promo show

right here for the hollywood yeah

yeah it’ll probably sold out so if you want tickets

you gotta jump on that shit

they sell that

place out every week that

they have this

thing called comedy juice

if you’re ever

in hollywood and you’re

around on wednesday

nights there’s a 10 o’clock show at the improv

very good and they get like some of the best

comics in the world

yeah tomorrow

is natasha ligero

brett weinbach

i think who else is doing it

both but they’re both amazing so

yeah there’s a lot of good

talent in hollywood

and you know they need to work shit out and that’s

where we usually go

wednesday night

at that place is a good

place to work

that’s where i was going

i always wanted

whenever i go

on the road if i have to do like a weekend

you know if we do like a

bunch of shows i always want to like

knock the dust off

first i always want to do like a wednesday

night show that to me

my shows always go better when i do something like that

so the improv is perfect for that

that’s a great

place to fuck around yeah

better at the

crowds a random bar

yeah these fucking

the problem of

these bar places

like these bar comedy

shows that people are doing

this is still a bar man

freddy soto said it best god

bless his soul

he was when he was like god

bless his soul that freddy

sound like my


he was an awesome dude

what else can you say he’s a

great guy he passed away

years ago but he

would get offered all the time to do

these comedy clubs

like not comedy clubs rather but a comedy show a comedy

night at mcfuckle hut

bar down the

street and he

would say no

thank you i

appreciate the offer but

you know i only do comedy clubs

that’s really the really way you

should do it you know

it would be nice i mean i wish i

could say that but

i mean i i i

feel like i owe a lot of my comedy to doing

the learning how to do comedy

in the worst

place in the

whole fucking universe which is

the big fish bar and

grill in glendale

which we used to do show

our friend doug did

show their every

doug and david did show there

every single tuesday

and this was like

there’s this was in a

total locals bar

right anyone who walked in there

who was doing anything

other than who

was if you didn’t know

if they didn’t know you like look at you like you’re

crazy let alone a fucking comedy show where

half the comedians are open micers and

stuff and so it was really

that was like being purified through

pain for like two years so i feel like there’s nothing

i went there was

a good point

i went there

once for a show and

that’s the only time i’ve ever been to this place and

like tim and tim and eric did a set

yeah well and i

didn’t character or

yeah they didn’t this was like

three years ago four years ago

right yes i know them i met him because he’s the

used to be hosted by doug

was one of my best friends doug lesson hop in denver

and doug works on the tim and eric

show he’s editor on

right at the

show so sort

of like it’s all coming together hang out zone for them

cool so this

this mega drive show that you do

you’ve actually done

fighter jets

too and you puked didn’t you when you did it or

i didn’t puke in the

fighter jet because this was the

second thing we flew

the first thing was the

stunt plane that did like

i can do every possible

thing in the air that

it doesn’t seem

possible even he let me fly it too

he’s like you have the

stick you have control

so i’m sitting

there like really and he’s like yeah just pull back

you pull back and you

literally just does a loop

no problem it’s easier than a

video game but i did

throw up in that thing

all over the place

i did a loop in fa 18

man i did a whole run

a ride with the blue

angels it was one of one of

the bits that i did and one of my past specials was

about it about how fucking

crazy the experience is

but that ultimately

pussy’s better

for no reason to really fly that fast

right now yeah

cause there’s

other shit you can do here that’s way better it’s

scary but it’s not like

the same thing it’s

pretty intense though the physical demands that’s what

freak me out i always thought

for some reason it was like driving a car

you know you just kind of

steer your whole

body and you

never really get that far

or that fast

where there’s a lot of g

force on your body and you mean

even if you really stop the gas what is that like a

tenth of your body weight coming at you like wow really

threw me back in my seat

you don’t even know what

throw you back in your seat is

until you’re in like a fucking

fighter jet

like six g six g turn

where you can’t

even move your arms and you have to do that like the

the special breathing

i think i got the six and a half or seven g’s

before i couldn’t take anymore

that was hard

but it’s good because i’m short

because fighter

pilots are supposed to be

under six feet tall because

the amount of pressure

for them it’s so intense because

the blood has

traveled further to

their brain

so they blackout

quicker you do a

thing called hooking and this is what you really

do you hold on to your seatbelt or you hold onto the

stick and you go like this

and you’re forcing blood into your face

you’re forcing in your head you going

and his plans going

the fucking pressure is insane

and it literally is like closing an elevator door

it’s like your consciousness you can see it black

and black sides and you’re

fighting it off

this guy could go to thirteen g’s the

fighter pilot wow that’s fucking incredible

he goes to thirteen g’s without a pressure suit

they have suits where you can go more g’s but he

wasn’t wearing a g suit those blue

angels don’t wear them or they didn’t at the time

those little

red bull racer

planes those things pull

like 20 g’s regularly

how do you stay conscious i don’t get it

i mean i think sky bees part of the g students the

training it’s all the

i don’t know how you stay conscious

that’s retarded i went

unconscious accidentally

because there was more gs than i expected

i did the higher

thing but then we were coming in

we pulled this really hard one

and i don’t know how many gs it was when i

blacked out really yeah how long were you

out for a second

wow i don’t know it wasn’t long but it was like whoa

that’s a crazy

blackout to come back from like

what happened

what yeah he said i just went out for a couple

seconds but i felt it like i felt

popping back on you know when the g

force leveled out

but it’s because i didn’t do the hooking thing

do they doing those

those one g barrel rolls

we did everything we did

this we did loops we did

this we strafeed this

there’s like this mountain canyon and he

simulated what it

would be like if you were in afghanistan or

so this is actually before the war this is like 99

and he simulated what it

would be like hills

cause we’re

going about

two hundred

three hundred feet

above the ground you cool

with that oh man

i’m like through

three hundred feet that’s a lot

right we’re good

right alright come on let’s do this he’s fucking

well you know what this guy is fucking

this guy’s like straight top gun he’s like one of

those real guys you know real fucking

fighter pilot

they’re all

crazy like that

we’re going into the mountains like

going around these fucking that shit’s cool

200 feet above the ground man

whipping through

it was so crazy and then they have these targets

they do it out in the desert between vegas and la

and they have these

targets all laid out on the ground

where they practice dropping shit on so other

you know at this air force base other

fighter jets you know the blue angels don’t i don’t

think they drop bombs yeah they’re just

x fighters yeah but so they have like practice

ranges man they’re fucking

dropping bombs out there in the desert

like dummy bombs you know

look working on their accuracy it is one

thing when i was in the this is like a czechoslovakian

fighter j called l

thirty nine

you can do this barrel roll where they keep it at at uh

at gravity so there’s no

they do it just enough to

where there’s it’s the same amount of gravity

would fill on earth even though you’re upside down

wow so you feel like

you could throw a ball in there it would come back down

the same as on earth because these what

it’s some sort of very regimented type of barrel roll

where you’re pulling out

you know that whole theory like so you’re

completely upside down but because the momentum of the

plane going down

right you can

you can be upside down and

throw a ball up and it will come back

right right your hand i mean it’s

they have to keep the role

going to maintain it

it’s like you know those

spaceship designs the giant wheel where they spin

just enough to keep gravity on the outer rim

it’s like isn’t that that’s in 2001 isn’t it i

think it’s basically that it’s like


force or something

that’s amazing that was so cool that was really cool

just the fact that someone figured that you

could do that and then they

tried it out and then they figured

out exactly how to pull it off

and information

upside down

throwing something up the end it comes

right back to you just as if you were

right side up wow

that’s fucking nuts it was cool

i fucking i i don’t know if i

would be i i’m not i don’t have enough

self control to be doing a show like that

i’ll do something

stupid i did take a couple of shits in the woods

when i had to

when you had to yeah that’s

about it and you’ve

wrecked a few

things though

you’ve actually have

mtv has they have

their full episodes on

mtv but they also have

this whole thing

where the things you’ve

wrecked yep

i mean like

wreck wrecked i

guess it’s kind of

different levels the very

first day we shot was was that like rape rape yeah

i don’t know it was just the head

it wasn’t like a

full wreck wrecked

and i didn’t destroy anything nothing was like

destroyed like okay it’s totaled

but the very

first day i

crashed an aerial atom

that was totally by accident

cause i was trying to you know

go a little faster johnny on this curve so

it looks better and like okay fine

what’s an aerial

adam it’s this little race car it’s an open air it’s

basically a fucking go kart with a really big

honda engine in it

that goes what

that’s so sick it goes so fast it’s tiny

it’s a cage just

basically a cage around wheels

and they have exposed

all the suspension and

everything is exposed

so it’s just the wheels and

these rods and

shit and you know this little cone of a body

it’s like there’s nothing there

and it goes like 0 60 faster than any

street legal car did

you hurt yourself doing that no

i was super i mean so

lucky it’s like

you know first day

stroke of luck

where i happened to hit the very last

few inches of the warning

guard that has like a

bunch of tires

stacked up so we rammed in

these tires which are

soft and cushiony but just a few

it was inches the

wheel got hung up inches away

from where it would have

smashed into this big metal

galvanized steel

guard rail so

that would have

fucked you up to

right in that little

thing we’re only

going like 30 or 40 but i would have

fucked us up a little bit at

least would have

fucked the machine up and

i would have been

sort of in trouble

so you get in

trouble if you crash

but you’re not

supposed to know what you’re doing that’s the

thing it’s like i don’t get in

trouble it’s actually like

the mtv gets in

trouble but the producers are like thank you

thank you for doing really

so they’re happy there’s controversy because that’ll

cause more people to

watch it yeah it’s more fun

with stephen

do they should

happens do they give you instruction like hey don’t get

crazy go out there and do this or what do they

say to you i mean in general it’s sort of like just

have fun but try not to kill anybody

yeah you have meetings with you like all

right johnny yeah we

make sure we’re all on the same page here we have

safety meetings like

these were the cameras are

gonna be these are where

you know you

don’t don’t go over there i’m always on walkie so

for most times so there’s

pretty it’s pretty safe at the same time it’s also

sounds like a cool

ass show though it was incredibly fun to make is also

really scary sometimes

it sounds like

a more interesting

idea than like the top gear show

i love that show i

think that jeremy

clarkson guys hilarious yeah he’s really

great i guess there’s an american version

that’s gonna

make one now

but jeremy clarkson is so awesome i don’t know why you

would need to make an american version

but the point is that he’s at his best when he’s

reviewing crazy cars

but they have to review a lot of shit like

normal cars

they spend a lot of

their time reviewing like

trucks and shit

you know this is a minivan

and here’s why it’s so

you know that’s not interesting to me i

wanna see him in ferraris

you know when he’s in ferraris are it’s awesome

right screaming the guy

legitimately he’s in his fifties

legitimately loves cars you can so sing it

he just he’s singing it when

he’s when he’s when he’s in the cars like yelling out

like he loves

it like it makes it fun and people people love

anything that goes forward on

wheels at all they

freak out about

we went to this like this rally

in where is it like someplace in florida

tarpon springs florida i think

and they have

this used to be

swamp buggies

i’ve never seen this in my life it looks like a

giant like rocket

will have these flat

wheels on each side

and they can go 70

miles an hour and like four feet of

standing water wow

and like what the fuck

there’s like

thousands of people here thousands of rednecks

going crazy in

these campgrounds around this

mud bog and have all these

different heats and races

must be like

a couple hundred

maybe at least a hundred

these things there

i’ve never even

heard of it my entire life yet this is like

some someone’s life you know this is

two hundred thousand dollars on this thing

this is not so far removed from some sort of a fucking

scene in the hobbit movie

you stumble upon

some strange

village of a

bunch of weirdos doing

something that no one ever

expected i felt i felt very out of

place there i had like some

yeah i was just constantly i felt like how

the hills have

eyes always like people looking at me like

look at that boy down there we’re

gonna cut him up

have a haircut

we got a faggot

on the march

room around here

i felt a little bit


there’s a lot of

those people out there oh yeah

that’s what people don’t realize

cause they’re not represented

that well in the

media but there’s a fucking lot there’s more than us

yeah yeah most likely definitely

yeah right yeah

well that was

where i got an accident

during that

shoot actually i was driving this little

weird different kind of mud but it

doesn’t go as fast and i

the thing doesn’t have

brakes by some

special invention of the clutch and gas you can

you know down

shift to make it stop but i totally forgot that

was leaving the

water and i

smash right into this guy’s

brand new like f

three fifty or something like that

brand new i

smash right into it and was like all

sudden people

started coming out of the woods or like

what this guy what this guy do over here

get a rope new york city get a rope

he was being

lynched on these

these redneck

campgrounds in florida

but luckily i got

do you have

like bodyguards or any kind of security on the

staff to just in case help

you at all i mean

not even one there’s

peep there’s pas and

stuff obviously but that

who knows if they

would be able to stop the redneck mob that wanted to

destroy me for hitting the truck but

everything worked out you know we

settled up with them and

everything but it was a little

scary for about fifteen

seconds i was like this is

some strapped into this thing

god damn dude

yeah i was a little

spooky i think that’s on next week’s episode

i’m pretty sure yeah

or was that the most

freaked out you ever were um

no i think it’s the most

freaked out probably with this crane

um yeah okay

that’s a good premise with that

the crane because

there’s like a man

basket or a man bucket they call these the

thing you know like the cherry picker like

the send the guy up to wherever so this is

seventy a cherry picker it’s like you know ten times

is high and

how high well this

thing can go like a thousand feet or something

but i wasn’t that high

dude there was a

video of these russian kids have you seen that

video these kids 900 feet on this

building construction they’re walking out on

these beams yes and 900

feet core kids kind of or no no no

no no no no no no no no no

these are just

that were just

standing there

it was so high up they were just standing

and they’re

standing on

these beams and you can’t

watch it without

making a walnut

crushing motion with your asshole

you know you just tighten up and like oh my god just

watching the

video is such a

fucking freak out i’ve seen a

video like that

where it was either hiking or bike riding on these like

small pass on the side of this mountain

and the guy had like a cam on him

or he’s just walking

thousand thousand feet up and then you

could just see holes in the stone like

thing that he’s just

forget that

something about heights it really really

freaks people out it’s like

nature’s trying to tell you hey stu

but don’t go anywhere fucking near

that you can’t get used to i mean you can get

used to it but if you are used to it there’s something

yeah weird about that you got issues son yeah

there’s something

wrong with you i

could look out the second

window of the second

floor and i get scared

yeah that’s terrifying

so you were higher than that so this was at 900 feet

that were you that high there was two different

things that

was i was about maybe

200 feet when i was in this

peter pan costume

and i was like flying over this lumber yard

fucking with people and i also did this thing

where i pretended

to be a guy who worked there and i kept

descending from the roof taking people’s receipts and

there are different

things and just you know

it was like a little

kind of drop in maneuver and the exit of the

building that was fun

that was crazy

yeah but that was i was in a harness

with an invisible

cables so that was

that was pretty fucking

scary are those comfortable at all

it was really uncomfortable but it’s

like it would be a serious ball

crusher it was

as much a ball

crusher as it was like a

chest and body

crusher really

and also it’s it feels nice though

when it’s tight because if it’s not tight it’s like

you know fuck it

has to be so

crazy so you’re just

wearing some suit with wires attached to the suit yeah

and it’s connecting you to how long is the wire

uh the wire i mean

i don’t know probably a hundred feet or so

the fuck 100

feet of wire and

200 feet above the ground

yeah something like that we

would drop down to the ground and

stuff but at one

point i was

maybe not 200 feet

it’s tough to say

because it’s 60 feet and 200 feet

they’re all

kind of the same because you’re all pretty much

gonna die if you fall so

there’s like

your brain stops

carrying after a certain

point i think we used to do these

stunts on fear factor

where we would have

these people like

walk across beams across two

buildings and to this day

thinking about looking over

those edges just

thinking about

every now and then i look over the edge

you know just

thinking about that

right now makes my

whole body go

what the fuck you doing what the fuck you doing

get away from there

yeah so unnatural

such a it’s such a like

primal feeling

you know it’s your body

going no stupid get away from there

anytime i’m in a

hotel like over a certain amount of floors you

dude freaky

i can’t do that shit i like it i

think it’s gonna

enjoy it but

you’re like being

scared enjoy the rush

yeah like freaking the shit out myself i just

are you a daredevil with other

things do you do like

skateboarding or anything

other another

crazy no condom not really

only in me right

i used to do a lot of rock

climbing stuff as a

kid and bungee jumping and crap but oh yeah i feel like

honestly i feel like when i

started doing comedy that sort of

i stopped i stopped doing that

stuff because i feel like comedies is one of the best

best russia

is yeah that’s way

better than almost anything and it only kill your soul

right yeah won’t kill your body

i saw a video

of a dude bungie jumping once and that was it for me

he miscalculated the amount

of bungie he needed and he hit the fucking ground hard

did he die no

it was even

worse than dying

cause his whole body was just broken

and he’s screaming in agony

and then he bounces and hits it again

and then he’s

screaming in agony

he’s just broken

broken arms broken

legum he hits this


hard and rocks he’s wearing a camera

oh shit so it’s all on camera listen

listen you see

this camera

here it’s horrendous this the pain

of this guy’s feeling

you can tell when he hits a

second time

cause he’s already broken

everything in his fucking body in the

first one cause the bungee

cord didn’t really break

he basically jumped off a bridge and just

it really didn’t stop him at all

so this motherfucker slams the ground with

three quarters of whatever

velocity that you

would normally have

so he’s jacked

everything’s broken

he bounces up in the air and then when he hits it again

the oh my god

why me it was that you said that no but you

can feel that you know what i’m saying no way

but telling you how

and that was it for me

i was like no bungee

jumping thank you very much this

woman that worked with my dad a while

back was always trying to get her him to do

skydiving and then so he was actually

considering it

until she died

oh my god she died

skydiving yeah

the parachute malfunction and then i

guess the backup parachute

tangled in with

the other parachute or something and

she just died she died of a cliche yeah

god damn that’s fucking

scary see that’s a shit

how often does that happen i

think it happens a lot more than you

think because you

would think you would hear

about that on the news if that

happened but everybody’s

like yeah you got two parachutes what are you

worried about

right oh nothing just falling from 10 000 feet

slowly i did

bunch of jumping

in switzerland once

and it was in

this in the mountains in this chasm like this

a chasm over like a this

this freezing cold river

and off a little bridge and it was you know like

gonna do this

on my birthday was my friend you know we’re

traveling so

i did it it was fucking awesome

i found out

afterwards though

we’re talking to the guy

after you know the guy who ran the

whole operations like yeah so how long

how long is this

this said i’ve been here it’s like eight days

fucking eight days we’re like

maybe like in the tens of people who’ve been off this

thing he’s like oh no

we tested it out a

lot we tested it out of time we put like body armor on

stuff and like

oh my god and he said like this is the closest jump

at that time

in existence that you came

closest to the rocks than any

other bungee

jump oh that seems like a

good idea but

i wish i’m glad i

learned it afterwards not before

oh my god it was

still great that was incredible

there’s a great

picture of me

you know how you’re

supposed to do this with your hands as you go down

somehow instinctively

i’m just grabbing my fucking balls

and even i’m

head down grab my balls that’s the

picture of me

bunch of jumping

wow yeah that’s fucked up hey john

are joe here’s a fun fact

about johnny he does not have a butthole

i have a butthole

oh but you got it removed

no jesus christ you got this all wrong

that right there someone edit this

someone cut and paste this somewhere

this is the classic

brian moment

well i think

this is how

rumors get started i’ve never

heard that in my entire life that’s pretty incredible

remember that song rumors

this is how rumors get started

started by jealous people it should

say jealous people and

brian cause

brian would just start

that shit up well what i said is

i don’t have a colon

i don’t have a colon i do have a sphincter

and everything works fine

you don’t have a

colon no i have a colon i had ulcerative

colitis for about 10 years or so

and maybe a little more in that i

guess yeah about 10 years

and if you have ulcerative

colitis which is like a horrible

disease of your colon your large intestine it’s like

makes it all

so you have

to shit all the time and like really fast and it’s just

generally bad

wow so i had that for a long time but if you have

ulcer class

for a long time

the thing is the longer you have it the more

chances of you getting

colon cancer like triple

every single year

so the idea is you get it

taken out and then

it’s better

because you don’t have like this fucking shitty

shitty organ shitty

the puns are like

limitless so

how does it change the way your body functions

where your digestive

system works i mean it basically

it changes a lot of

things but it

doesn’t change that much from how it was

before because

it’s actually a lot better

you know i still poop out of my asshole

and but i just get dehydrated cry

faster than

how rude of you describe it that way

isn’t it funny that there’s

rude ways to say

things like that i

guess i could

say this how i

still defecate

from my anus pastel

from my sphincter

anal sphincter

muscle and yeah

so where does it go like what’s the

colon what’s the primary use

i’m ignorant

primary use of your

colon is sort of to one to extract

water hydrate

you so it like it um

this extracts

water for your body

which your body needs water

it also extracts a lot of vitamin d

i think vitamin a and

maybe something else and

generally just aids and

digestion like you know extracting the

stuff from your food that you used

your body uses so

it’s not like it’s not

necessary to have obviously cause i’m

still alive

right now so

but it definitely is a good

thing to have if it works

to me i probably go the bathroom

i probably been the bathroom more in my life than

you guys will ever in your entire fucking life so how

often do you take dumps

depends it depends it depends on like what i eat

and like how much i’ve been

drinking and you know

what’s the average number a day

god i don’t know it’s so hard to

think about this

because it’s like so if you say for like 50 i’m just no

no no maybe

like it’s in the

middle of this show to take a shit

would be so awkward

i’ll probably i’ll do it for you if we

drop something i just want to be clear

about this if you’re doing it you’re doing it for you

yeah okay i want i won’t

i won’t take a shit for you guys i promise yeah

oh man they like

take a shit for you yeah guys i

got a good one ready to go

take a shit and it’s just for you it’s got your name on

it i’m gonna write

your fucking name

probably someone out there that

would say something like that there’s a guy you know

once i met a guy like joey diaz i know that there’s

there’s there’s guys out there that you

could never

you can draw them

right yeah they

exist he’s an

interesting guy he’s as interesting as they come

so now where your

colon was before

does it do you have a hole like do you feel there’s a

place missing or does

everything sort of fill in

no it all kind of fills in your body just sort of like

you know it’s like a sack of

flour everything just

settles at the bottom i

guess oh that’s weird

looking at your

body i did have a colostomy bag for like 12 weeks

so you have to have two

surgeries and

you have them

they have to separate them because they have to take

everything down and they have to build

basically have to

build you a fake colon

it’s called

my my case is called the j

pouch and that’s not because my name

is johnny it’s actually called fucking j pouch

ironically enough

but because your pet name yeah

yeah my j pouch

down there that’s what she is pet

name from my

synthetic colon that’s jenny um

oh jenny the jpack

tell you what

jenny takes a lot of shit down there she does but

that’s people

say man it’s kind of degrading shit on a girl like

that but i don’t see it like that we’re helping each

other she’s helping me i’m helping her see

nothing degrading

about this just nature

just just you know it’s a symbiotic relationship

like a clownfish and an anemone

i only met one person ever that had one of

those and it was very strange across

me back yeah

they are incredibly strange it’s the kind of

thing where

it’s the most bizarre

thing ever and

there’s people who live with them that that’s that

their life is they have a colostomy

back and those kind

i just can’t

like for me it was always like this is

you know one more week two more you know sort of

things so it was

pretty easy to bear and i was it

just you know it was pretty

young was living at home so i was like didn’t have to

worry about anything but

god damn if you had

to actually do shit with that if you have to actually

now did you

after you had

these all these health issues did you

radically alter

your diet did you try to

start eating healthier food or

try to yeah i mean well the

thing is is like

with colitis even you have to like be careful because

your body isn’t like

digesting almost anything so really do you have

like a very

limited menu

of things you can eat

i don’t eat really

spicy stuff i take a lot of

fiber i’m very

i can consult on

fiber for an hour you can have me on here as a

fiber consultant maybe

yeah so i think

fibers are very important

it’s very important for everybody

right and it’s super

like a lot of lettuce

and a lot of like broccoli and i take

these like awesome shits

they’re so satisfying they just come out like

your body thank you

blah blah blah blah so easy

but if i just eat like nothing but meat for days

super bad yeah

it just comes out like

just like your body trying to push out poison like

cause it is poison yeah

just ribs barbecued

ribs and sausage and shit like before the show

i came so close there’s an italian deli

not too far

away from here that has this amazing sausage sub

sausage with peppers and i know it’s

terrible for you it

tastes so good terrible for you

smell so good and you can’t get

those here in

california this

place is called cavaretta

if you’re in the valley

there’s no place like that

on the west coast

you don’t get like real italian subs like a real

sausage with peppers with

grilled peppers peppers and eggs

that’s an east

coast thing

yeah that was a

buddy really

new york and as you don’t

peppers and eggs you can’t you can’t get peppers

and eggs here john can’t get peppers and eggs true

it doesn’t seem very good to me though

peppers and eggs is probably the

worst thing i

could possibly eat

peppers and eggs

hot peppers and eggs

would be like

do you try to consume your

nutrients in

juice form do you try to

drink like a lot of

juices i don’t know i try to

eat a lot of

dried fruit and

a lot of oatmeal and

a lot of whole

grain pancakes so you’re doing all

about super

fiber shit yeah

but at the same time i’m also really bad like

i eat all kinds of horrible

stuff and it’s always

this idea well i know this is gonna

i can make me feel like shit but it’s like

whatever i’m not

gonna everything

has a consequence

i feel like so i knew this dude who had diabetes and he

would every now and then he

would go off and

crazy sugar and have a just this fucking horrible

insulin failure

see that’s different you can kill yourself with that

i’m not gonna kill myself eat hot wings do we

just go off

every now and then just couldn’t take it

just go off and get just jack his body

fill it up with the delicious poison

did your farts change at all

that’s that’s actually a

great question brian

that’s a great

question fucking dead serious

folks farts dead

serious really

i don’t actually do a lot of farting anymore

because it’s one of

those things where

if your bowels have been sort of uh

operate upon or mess with in any way like that

you you um you kind of lose the ability to tell

shit from a fart

so in general

you typically just choose not to fart

then oh my god

roll the dice of it

wow you don’t know when farts are coming that’s

crazy well i mean i i do and i don’t i don’t

that might be

the most difficult

thing to describe

ever to someone who knows exactly what you’re talking

about is that feeling that you have

where you know the difference between

shit and a fart

i know the difference

i don’t always know

i had the problem the

other i think i already talked

about in the podcast once as a joke i was

in front of my

girlfriend i

put my hand there and i farted in my hand shit your

hand and i was like

excuse me i’ll be

right back oh wow

and it was like it was supposed to be as a joke

and she knew exactly what happened i did it in

front of her completely naked so hilarious

you shit your own hand

i’ll tell you what the people who have the best

shooting stories in the

whole world or anyone who’s ever done the

peace corps in africa oh no

they’re not talking

about oh man

those people i’ve

never heard such

crazy things in my entire i read a horrible story on

mixed martial arts com

there’s a there’s two forums on

mixed martial arts com one of them is the


which is all

mma type stuff the other ones the other ground

and the other ground is like anything any subject

and one of the stories was

about this poor couple that went to africa

and they were in cape town they were in this really

nice area but the girl wanted to go see the real africa

oh no so that’s the bad bad

phrase yeah that’s what she did she saw the real africa

they went and

they they went into this town and they got carjacked

and they kicked

the driver and the man out of the car kept the

woman and then they shot her in the head

oh so they killed her they killed her oh well hide

yeah and they

found out that the driver was in on it

the driver called the head

and set it up

and that they

weren’t supposed to

go if they’re supposed to kill or not he says

they weren’t but

that’s weird why

would they i

think they would

at least rape her

first well they were saying

at first they were saying that

they thought she was sexually assaulted but then they

kept saying that she wasn’t sexually assaulted but that

could easily be they don’t

want people to know that she was sexually assaulted

you’re not releasing all the information you know out

of respect to the girls family or something like that

right you know it’s a public release i don’t know

the whole thing is fucking

crazy though the

whole thing is

you know that part of the world

it’s completely wild and i don’t

think a lot of people are

aware of it

the idea that the

apocalypse is

gonna happen and it’s

gonna be some

giant event that takes place

like boom here’s the

apocalypse no

the apocalypse sort of

is us being

aware of how fucked up parts of this world are

like horrific

horror movie

john carpenter

zombie type shit that’s what africa is

there’s parts of africa

like liberia

we talked about this on the show before

where there’s

rampant cannibalism

there’s this vbs

tv documentary the vice

guide to liberia

and it will make you shit your fucking pants yeah

they’re talking

about killing children and

drinking their

blood they kill the

blood of the innocent children to make them immortal

this creepy

crazy thing

dude that place is

a goddamn monster movie

yeah there’s so many

places like that in africa there’s this guy

who i’m david

axe who was written a

he writes he’s a

war correspondent he’s

traveled all over

the fucking

world like basically in

every conflict

zone you can possibly imagine he has a

this great graphic

novel called war is boring

but it’s all

about like going

these areas like that and just turning a corner

and having you know a jeep

with a machine gun

mounted on it coming

right at you and they’re

ready to kill you and they’re children too

half the time they’re

16 year old kids with

felicia cops

ready to shoot you in the face

yeah that was the premise of that

the character in the

movie lost remember there was that one kid that was

he grew up to be that big

black preacher guy remember right echo

yeah echo exactly

when he was a kid he was

killing people and shit

speaking of loss

have you heard

you have you

heard of these uh

tones that they use uh like spies

and stuff all

right tell the kona

numbers project yeah what is this you guys were

gonna tell me

about right for the podcast but

it was one of those

let’s save it let’s save it

save it so what is this explain i’m

sorry well i mean as far as i know what

reading about it is it’s a

during the cold war

they would use short wave

radio stations

because short wave

radio can travel

all around the

world if you have like the

clouds are right and

everything so

they would send signals to

their spies

and bed in the

field using

shortware radio

like one time shortware

radio broadcasts and they’d have

some sort of a code book

on the receiving end

to decipher these

and they would

loop it you

know kind of like on loss how they had that


where it was just continuously

looping like the numbers and

stuff like that so

somebody recorded all

these there’s

hundreds of them there’s hundreds and they’re

creepiest yeah some of them

sound like oh they’re an incredible

series you should play

this one here’s one here’s one as an example and that

and this is like kill the president kill the president

kill the president

you know some

of them are just tones and some of them have numbers

so it’s like

seven 24 yeah

and sometimes it’s yeah

but the iridium

and what is the

effect on the

human brain

is this supposed to do something sure

i listened to him the

other day when

i was kind of high and it was

i was having it was

i feel like

just the tones

vague i feel like

because the short wave

radio is like a

smaller frequency

it’s not as big of a

frequency so it’s something like about

some of the tones

to me they sound better there was

a thread that somebody put on my message

board about

wi fi affecting the growth of trees

did you see that

yeah they’re saying that

the trees that

are near wi fi were developing like this coating

like the upper layer of

their skin was

dying but then

other people were saying that this was like

one test they

haven’t replicated

this you can’t really say that it’s from that there

could be other environmental factors

you know you don’t know what’s in the air around there

which is a very good point

but the idea you know that all

these fucking

things that are flying

through the air around us and they’re giving us all

these megabytes of information and instant mean

we’re plugged into the wall

right now but we

could very easily be doing this wi fi easily

so there’s enough information

flying through the air

and some sort of a signal

that you could have a

video that goes through tubes and it gets to

right now 1500 people

all over the world

what does that do in your brain man

i always wonder

about that cause it’s one of

those things

where yeah i

think about

radio waves

radio waves are

being bombarded

with them constantly

right and but there’s no

like we have no idea what the real long term

well it’s not killing everybody

quickly so we know that it’s not like

totally the

worst thing ever for you

it’s not like

super poison

but what if it’s making us change

you know shaping your brain

i mean for real

right what if what if we’re

evolving to be able to handle all this

stuff you know

what if these

these signals in there what

if like one of the reasons why so many people are going

crazy is that

these signals are interfering with the development of

their brain

there’s um there’s this writer i like a lot just guy

james howard

kunsler and he um

he’s like a he’s a new

urbanist writer and he also

writes a lot

about say kunsler his

name is related

to the body part

i don’t know

maybe there’s a little

famous lawyer

the reason why i know is there was a guy

named george the greek

that i knew from new york who was a famous

gambler and pool hustler and

he used to ride horses

for like you know they have the

horse races

he would be in the little

carriage you know they have like a little

carriage they

race i don’t know what they call that kind of racing

harness racing harness racing

thank you well he was such a crug

and this fucking race was so fixed

that he was

standing up trying to pull the

horse back because the

horse was trying to win

so he was fired

and they kicked him out but

he he had william kunsler

kunsler’s taking over my case

these motherfuckers

they don’t know what they got coming to them

i got kunsler

joey diaz’s mom

no no no no no

cigarettes kunsler

he was just what a character this guy was

these all these fucking

guys that i met in the pool halls in new york man you

never met people like this in your life there’s

gamblers people who are addicted to gambling

are some of the most fascinating

motherfuckers ever

they’re all just looking for that fix

they’re all just looking to gamble and they

would always want to gamble a lot of money

there was not

never like i want to i want to bet you

twenty dollars

like you fucking

pussy you got no hot

yeah it’s kool aid

isn’t that shit works

where like your

brain gets more electricity if you

the more you bet and if you lose

that’s a good

thing they still

found out with people who are

gambling addicts is that

they get more more

serotonin or something in

their brain when you lose really

that’s why that’s why it’s such a problem

i try so hard to fix that because it’s fucked up

reverse psychology of it

where that’s

crazy they get

serotonin but that makes

them feel good but gamblers don’t feel good i guess

was there fucking

maybe it’s not serotonin

maybe whatever

maybe dope means it’s some

some brain chemical

to dumbly know

the difference

serotonin dopamine

always in them in my

brain is like oh

these are this is shit that makes you happy yeah

it’s all cocktail is that

all i know is that it kills people

when people do a lot of cocaine it kills that yeah

oh yeah consular consular

fuck this guy

your hot pumps kool aid

this guy this writer

james our consular

he writes a lot about

like the idea of living past peak oil like

when society shut down because of the oils gone and

you’re freaking me out man

this is something that duncan i always

argue about

do you would

now i would love to hear what your take on this

well i mean

i mean he’s of the kurzweilian

all like the proto future

nanobots and all that

stuff but i think

that’s fun to think

about but i

think it’s more

likely that

none of that will happen there will be some sort of

huge sort of


degradation and

shrinking of society due to

the nature of the lack of oil

was oil powers

everything we have

right so you you’re like did you

watch collapse

yeah i’ve watched that yeah i

love that did

you love it

cause we thought that guy was a goof i mean

we loved it for a little

while but then

like this guy’s a doom and gloom

motherfucker and he’s pissing in his

garden so that he

can grow shit

like this his outlook is so retarded

he’s definitely a doom and

gloom guy and kunsler is somewhere similar to that but

he also talks

about the whole

thing something called the long emergency

which is kind of like what you’re talking

about for like

the apocalypse

it’s probably not

gonna happen

like that it’s

gonna happen over a long period of time gas is

gonna start to get more and more expensive

and less and less people are

gonna be able to afford certain

things it’s just

gonna be a sort

of long it’s

gonna happen over like

40 50 years probably not

yeah long term

thing well you know the idea is that


gonna fall apart and then

build back up

again i don’t know if that’s the case yeah

man i don’t know either don’t know i

think there’s

definitely some

validity to the idea

of fossil fuels being a serious problem and

in the development of

technology you know there’s a very obscure

theory about fossil fuels

that it’s not actually fossil fuels yes it’s called the

avian oil theory

right yeah that the

whole earth is

floating on it

i mean somehow or another it’s a natural

product almost like the

blood of the

earth right

natural product of

of the earth

yeah george nori

thinks that but i don’t

think george nori does you

think you can’t

quote him as a source

how dare you i

think it’s kind of i

think it’s bullshit

art bells one

thing you start calling

george nori

i go come on

dude exactly stop it with george nori he believes

everything well that’s what i’m saying

yeah george norway

thinks the avena

oil theory i don’t yeah i

think it’s kind of bullshit because

there’s so much science that says

there’s that it’s

fossils less and less of it and it’s just

we’re not there’s called diminishing returns yeah i

haven’t really researched it enough i know i

have this book in the library somewhere it’s called the

black gold stranglehold and i bought it with

the intention of reading it but

it’s in support of this theory

but i don’t

know if it’s nonsense or not i mean well that’s the

other thing that concert talks about that

made me think

about it so you were talking

about how the

radio waves and

stuff like that and how

maybe it’s changing our brains but

he is fiction books he talks

about like after

you know years after

no electricity

and none of this

stuff being pumped into this weird

waves being pumped in the

atmosphere how

there’s a lot of sort of like

magic comes

about because previously

in our lives like

right now we’re being bombarded by all this imagery

and sound and

noise and just general like

noise through advertisements and just everything

and how if that all fell away then maybe

maybe there was some part of our

brain that would unlock that

would you know

bring about

things that i

guess you would consider

magic but maybe it’s not magic

maybe it’s something you know

the idea of like telekinesis or anything like that

where maybe that that

stuff is being held back because of

abundance of

technology i

think that i

think about

that definitely

you know like i bet we have if we they

weren’t bombarded so much with all this crap

would have probably different

senses yeah

never be powers but you know yeah i don’t mean

there’s an idea

that before there was a real society

like set up the way you know

we have in villages or in you know and

the way we have in cities obviously

they think that before that when people were

hunters and gatherers they had a much more finely tuned

sense of the whole

environment around them and you know

shamans in the

in the amazon rather they’re always talking

about how the

plants and the trees talk to them

and that’s the

whole way they believe that they created

ayahuasca the shamans tell you that the trees told them

how to mix all this shit together that’s the

is that the peruvian

stuff what is that

peru and in brazil

it’s the drink

the hallucinogenic drink

but i mean look if you

were just living only in tune with the forest you know

back when we were fucking

weirdo hunter gatherer type dudes just

moving around hunting and

sleeping in

tents and shit

you know it’s very possible that we

would have had different

senses totally different like feel for

everything maybe yeah like there was like a

thing where you

could actually talk to animals back in the day it was

but it was so

quiet but it was so

quiet and just

a little whispered

but now that you don’t even know that

sounds ridiculous to us now that we

cause we can’t do it

but think about like the appendix

yeah exactly the appendix is an

organ that existed

because we were

breaking down like all this really porous shit

bone and a lot of

fiber to right

like plant serious

fiber yeah like fucking chewing trees

yeah so we had an

organ that was designed to process all that crap

we were basically eating like

cows you know we were eating whatever the fuck we could

and we had an

organ for that shit

but now we don’t

now it’s falling off it’s useless

it’s very possible that we just forgot that we ever

could do that

that we really

could like tune into the woods

there was a guy on that i

wrote it down because i wanted to talk about it

charles carrault

charles carol

he’s the old

journalist yeah

he died not

that long ago yeah

he wrote a story

about some guy who

lived up in alaska and he

would go for

months and months at a time

where he didn’t talk to any people

and he said

after he was up there for a while he

could read the minds of the animals

and then when he came into town

after months and

months living in this cabin

he could read the minds of people but it

would go away

after a while

he also smoked a lot of weed

my man was getting some strong

just eating hash off dead deer heads

all day oh yes

definitely something to that though i feel like because

the same way we’re like

i know when you’re

about you’re typing someone’s

friend’s name and they call you kind of thing well

when you know when someone’s mad

at you yeah

you feel the energy coming off someone

like you know like well this guy’s

upset you know they’re not acting like it

right yeah like what’s

wrong nothing

oh what the fuck is wrong

you know you’re just a

weird energy coming off of you

right you know we can tune into that

stuff if you choose to if you choose to recognize it

you know we

don’t we don’t really know all the the different

subtleties there are in the

senses you know

we’ve got it narrowed down to some

basic ones you know but there’s some

other ones that are go extra

there’s something

weird that happened

that i’ve just realized late recently

regarding your message

board on the same subject

right for about two months

about a year ago

about two months i kept on having this

voice in my head that i need to make a thread that was

titled bad news

like i don’t know why

i don’t but

every day i was on your message

board be like

bad news what

why do i keep on

thinking i need to do that

and the other day i was on your message

board and i looked at one of the

sticky threads

and it said bad news our friend outlaw

you know and

stuff like that

i’m like i want that’s

crazy that i

you know that was the

title of the thread

maybe has nothing

to do with it but i remember there was a

point in my time before outlaw passed

that that same

thing kept on repeating in my head

the idea that i needed to make a

topic that said bad news

that’s crazy yeah

too spooky music


we’re all guessing as to what reality

truly is we really are

we know that the placebo

effect is real

and we know

that if you tell some people that hey this pill is

gonna cure your disease

things get miraculously cured we know that that happens

placebo is really popular with your bowels too

where is it yeah

seventy percent of

bowlinesses are from our placebo

wow like if

most people have

irritable bowel

there’s something

wrong with your bowels

wrong with your

brain oh i say i was

freaking out

about this or that

right stress

explains everything

it’s like perfectly

taking stress that’s been

tuned into the well they also say that

about back injuries

you know there’s a lot of people that they

believe they have back pain but it’s not really back

pain it’s just they’re suffering through incredible

stress and it’s manifesting itself in back pains that

distracts you

from whatever bullshit you have in your life right

my back but

if the brain can do that

but it can only do that if it’s being tricked

that’s a strange

thing you know

there’s if if

if you have to have utter

confidence in it that’s why i’ve always said that like

there’s there’s a lot of good in

for religion

as like almost like

a scaffolding for your life oh yeah totally because

the reason why

they are so

successful and

there’s so many people that are devout and believe in

it is because it’s produced positive benefits for them

having this in

just unstoppable belief

that there is a higher

power and a

greater good

and that it all works out

in the long run

because god has a plan

it takes a tremendous amount of pressure off you

it allows you to perform better that

confidence allows you to really achieve things

in a lot of people

that they wouldn’t if it was all open

ended question yeah you also can like assign bad

stuff like well you know what i

mind control i

you’re giving up control

right it’s like you know you’re

taking away

right blame and

worry from a thousand

things you can

worry about and be like

i just follow the lord’s

blessings yeah yeah

it’s fascinating

though that the mind has this unlocked or untapped

capability to do things

you know to produce extreme results like

our brains it’s so much of who we are as a

human being is a product of how we were raised in our


who the people were that around us that we imitated

and all the

things that happened to us that we

learned well i’m not fucking taking my

pants down in

front of that guy

again you know all

these different

things that we

learn with that that that becomes

who we are there’s so many

things that go into that

it’s so strange that when you get to a certain

age you could be fucked up and know you’re fucked up

but you can’t change it

i see certain people that are criminals you know

they’re like fucking

thirty whatever they’re in and out of jail their

whole life they can’t stop they’re just fucked up they

got fucked up

get out and they go back

they do a crime like

week after they get out for

20 years like well

but that’s like

everything like if you date a girl and you

think that she’s

gonna change and

you know like

the program that way shouldn’t you know you

what is wrong with

us that we don’t know us we can always tell you what’s

wrong with this

fucking asshole you know that’s fucking bad

we can’t we don’t know us

where we keep ourselves

from knowing us

so we can’t fix our own issues

a lot of people for most

people right yeah

that’s a weird

thing that we can’t reprogram that

whoever you are whatever happened to you by

the time you were 10 or 15 or whatever the fuck it is

that’s you dude

that’s you you don’t

trust people that’s you

you’re always

worried about

crazy people you’re always

worried about this and violence

that’s you sorry forever that’s you

yeah you just realize it yeah i mean

reprogramming like

truly reprogramming it

should be like something like an option

it should be like

a button you can

press in your

brain oh i know

this is bullshit let me just get rid of it that’s why

you’re the software designer for your own kids you know

you’re programming that

right now you

gotta give him

some psilocybin early

well you just got a program well here’s one

thing you know they talk

about like terrible twos

i swear to god my

daughter is not

going through anything terrible she’s hilarious

that’s the reason why she’s hilarious is

cause i don’t even when she

screams and yells at something i

start making fun of her

this is you this is you yeah

and she starts

laughing she

thinks it’s so

funny cause

everything is fun

you know and

everything is and you

gotta know like when they’re

tired you gotta know when they eat

but when when they eat but it’s all

about nice and happiness and fun you know

it’s all about that

and if you do that and you

start them off like that you know you can get a

happy child but that

might create something that you don’t

you’re not thinking who knows look

you know a lot of my best friends grew up fucked up

like all my favorite people grew up fucked up joey

you me eddie

sorry we all grew up fucked up

every one of us there’s not a duncan

no one has some fucking

you know brady bunch

story that they

can tell you

where everything was awesome and dad always had

great advice and

what they do

people are like incredibly boring too but

why is that fuck man

why can’t you just like

give a kid a loving life and then have them not

be a boring cunt

you know i mean

is it possible i mean that’s why that’s how

where doctors come from or something that’s

where you know what it is really the real

thing is that you don’t have the

motivation to be

exceptional at anything

unless you’re desperate

you know exceptional people are almost always at one

point in life very desperate so

they come up with this

extraordinary energy

to produce whatever it is whether it’s art or

success in business or

whatever they want to do that

it comes from something

that’s an extraordinary amount of entropy

extraordinary amount of energy that’s moving

everything in that direction

i think i think a big part of that is that

in general human life for the past

maybe 60 or 70 years

has become incredibly easy

surviving is so fucking simple

that used to have more people of character

before because

life was not simple like people people died a lot

and for simple

things people that

women died in childbirth

kids died didn’t were

born you know the

birth rate was

a tenth of what it is now so

i feel like that’s a big part of it that’s why you have

so many shitty

shitty boring because

everything is so

easy for them

because it’s so simple to survive

it takes nothing yeah i’ve always said

one of the most important

things for a man and i say this to anybody who has boys

i’m like get that kid

involved in

something that’s hard to do yeah it’s fucking difficult

anything that’s hard to do get that kid involved in

whatever it is what’s

wrestling or karate

or you know kickboxing cut a hand off

just some some fucking

sport you know

maybe they get into

basketball or baseball just

get him into something that makes them exert themselves

and and get through difficult times

and create character

do something that’s really

difficult get that kid involved in something that’s

gonna test them and challenge them

cause if you don’t

there’s nothing sadder than when you were at the mall

and you see some fucking lit poor lady

who raised some

boy she probably did it on her own and she had

never had a

father around or that he didn’t have his father around

and he’s just

loud and fucking obnoxious

and totally unchecked

shameless just totally

shameless this poor kid is fucked he

doesn’t even know who he is look at him

just bouncing off the walls with all this

crazy energy

to the same people who like have cell

phone conversations

incredibly loud like in the middle of

that’s so blow my mind

how people do that

that’s one of

those pet peeves

my one of my pet peeves i

can’t fucking handle dudes who do that shit on

speakerphone they

start talking yeah

that’s what’s up dude what are you doing man

yeah we’re down there

right now man let’s party

like who are

these people

i want to just like i always want to just engage them

right away hey

hey how you doing

hey hey hey just like like some

why is that

really what’s my

issue why is it even offend

me that i have to hear both sides of the conversation

and i’m gonna hear one one side

no matter what

does it is it really is it just too distracting

like why does it bother me

you know it

just bothers

me it’s just like

what are we in eighties radio station that’s that’s

to do you sound board come on then

buzzer don’t do that anymore please

duke nukem makes me sad cause that’s that game that

never really got finished i know duke nukem forever

that became the

vaporware game of all time totally and

don’t they realize now it’s gotten to the

point that if they actually released it

would probably be one of the biggest games

ever i thought they were doing

a modern day doing

last five years they’ve been saying okay

i guess that was a lot longer than five years

happened like with the unreal one engine i

think they were using well it got to the

point that like last five years at least they actually

it seemed legit like there was like a

trailer for

a website or somebody was like a fake

trailer when

under when did it go under

two years ago two years ago when i that’s it

that’s crazy cause that movie i swear

rather that game i believe

was really in operation for the longest time ever

call of duty the new call of duty got released

and they had this

thing in the newspaper

when i was coming back from london i was reading it

that call of duty

made more money than avatar

the first day

yeah it sold like holy shit

dude it’s like

one of the most successful


things of all

time absolutely

that’s the sign of the

apocalypse and it’s war

just shoot people yeah

it’s fucking awesome commercial to

the commercial to the commercial to have it has like

jimmy camel and kobe

bryant you seen that

people are pissed off

about that commercial i’m sure they are i do not

understand this

because because

they’ve got guns people always are pissed off

about guns guaranteed

and the fact that there’s people who are uh

you know willing

those guns who

would normally

not ever be associate

with that will

be yeah well kobe

kobe’s kind of

but it’s a gun

it’s a little controller yeah

they’re pissed off that he’s

shooting no

no no commercial

they’re like

in the game

the commercial

that’s so crazy yeah

they don’t show them actually

shooting anybody but it’s all

directly no

how weird is that it is

stupid that’s what you can’t show a tit

right right

isn’t it bizarre that that’s like so acceptable

yeah i mean i mean

would there be accepted what if there’s a game what

is like you know like

well what are those

grand theft auto games

and all they were

doing in the game was just running around and raping

so for the commercial they had

jimmy camel and kobe

bryant pretend to rape people

the people go that’s outrageous

well it’s okay to kill people

but it’s not okay to rape them

right well i mean

what what how

weird are we man

yeah what if we do you

think you could make a game like that

i think the japanese already have actually

a few different

game they have rape games and they also have

the last games it’s

funny that that

would be we talked

about the sensitive

nature of the word rape you know before

some people get

upset about it

but that would be it’s

a very interesting

debate like why is it okay to murder people

is it because it’s so simple that it’s

like you pull the

trigger and then they go away

and it’s not as

what is it maybe that’s what it is

maybe cause

it’s finite

like oh a person’s dead

they can object to them being killed

cause you’ve killed them did

you imagine how

crazy it would be if

those became

the most popular games here if it wasn’t call of duty

it was call of dicks

and you’re just driving around

just fucking everybody wanted to that was the whole

video game whoa

that would be

scary as fuck

and people say that’s not possible

but how is that not possible i mean this

so those private

programmers i’m sure who

would love who

are and have made something like that if that

became a real

game if somehow or another we were desensitized to a

point where that became a real game

i think it’ll be very interesting i

think it actually for real is though i think

in japan if i remember correctly

there was some kind of rape

video game jesus christ

and they also had games like

where you just

try to get the best upskirt shots really as

a game as a game oh that’s so creepy the japanese are

fuckin love it there’s a

there’s a new

there’s a new

application on the iphone called twit

cast it’s a

broadcast like a u

stream thing on

using twitter though but

using on your iphone

and it’s japanese

based i believe

and so recently i’ve been on there you know

late at night

because there’s just a

bunch of hot

asian girls on

their on their webcams in their

house you know

so i will type

things like hey do you like america

and you know

yeah you should come to california

and then they all know how to read english though

and then the

second they find out that you’re american they’re like

oh haha i love you haha

great happens i just say i love you

yeah well no

you think you’d go over there and just

start fucking them

randomly it seems like it

they do love americans they do

love google

translates my new

friend lately

thinking about

how thinking

about going

it seems like i

could just fuck a lot of people but it’s

great if you’re

bored go to this website and just

start checking out

these asian girls and use google

translate to you know mix it up

it is very strange that there’s very specific

cultures like the

asian culture

like it’s not varying that much i mean they have some

music and they have some art and they have some

creativity but for the most part

their culture is like

trying to figure out what we’re doing

weird and like mutating it then you know like the

the japanese rockabilly guys

yeah we’re like

these like psych

it’s like elvis

turned up a thousand percent and it’s

weirdest hipster look ever yeah yeah

it’s weird but

they’re fascinating

hard juku barbies

what is that that’s the that’s that

weird fashion

where they i

think that’s what it’s called

where it’s these japanese girls who wear makeup and

clothes they look

like dolls like


dolls and they spend

hours and hours to

perfect this

crazy looking

that thing freak

freaks me out

i wanna go to

japan so bad this seems like the most

alien world ever yeah

it really does seem like the closest you can get to

going to another planet

i feel like it’s like the closest you can get to going

to a second dimension of america it’s like this

transmuted cause

there’s so much

things over there

that are takeoffs of american

culture that like they

don’t make any

sense to us but to them they do

cause it’s like this

weird like proto nostalgia that they have over

everything like the coffee

and all this like

all the business

business attire

there’s so many fucking

crazy things

good friend of mine

lived over there for two years and he

would talk to me about

i have these

capsule hotels

right because

little tubes you

can sleep in

and have vending machines for top with

ties in them

cause if you’re a businessman you have to go out and

drink with the boss

afterwards you have to do that and so

chances are you’re

drinking past the

train so you have to stay in the

capsule hotel

but to show up at work

tomorrow you have to have a new tie so it looks like

you’ve had time to change and look nice so they have

vending machines

just for the tie so you can change your tie

before you go back into work even though you’ve

never even been home

what a strange

strange love to go out there

and have sex with like a girl with tentacles and

everything and be

fine they have

those too i know

what are you talking about

it’s like manga

you scared the fuck out of me

they make the most insane

electronics man

and some of

their cars they have

these two cars out

right now that are

two of the best

sports cars in the world

they have this nissan gt r

which is this incredible

four wheel drive nissan

you know i think it’s like

500 horsepower insane 0 to 60 time insane

lateral acceleration it laps the nurburgring

in like this insanely low time

and then they’ve got this

other thing this lexus lfa

where they just

they created

lexus created this like

ultimate ferrari

like they all the most high tech components

carbon fiber fenders is fucking insane

but it’s a ferrari though

no it’s a lexus so

lexus called the lexus

lfa what i’m

basically saying is

their engineering is so insanely good that’s

crazy because

they can’t make any weapons so they put it all into

is that what it is you

think i mean

shit i wonder

that’s a real good

point cause i know the japanese are not allowed to make

anything you can’t even

build a samurai

sword in japan they’re so

crazy we don’t let them have weapons

did you hear

about this north

south korea

thing yeah that’s

scary listen

man those the

north korean

south korea is like the fucking north

versus south

it’s like the

civil war man it’s like the same

thing as us

it’s just on an exaggerated

scale right you know it’s actually

you know a much larger

like and then

will also super

aggressive the

north korea fucking hates the south

they hate each

other so they’re

ready to like jack each

other right yeah they

are i mean if that happens i really wonder if that’s

gonna be the catalyst to

a new world war

imagine you hate someone because they’re

literally across

a line and they looked exactly like you yeah

it’s not there’s no confusion

whatsoever it’s like koreans are very similar looking

it’s not like america was this big fucking melting pot

right the koreans you know

and there there’s variations on

both sides but they look exactly the same and they’re

right there

doesn’t matter that’s the enemy

kill fucking

crazy world we live in man huh

two thousand ten and that is

still how we’re rocking it

just hope they don’t get in the

just have to get a ran involved then it’s gonna

perfect cocktail for i

think they have a really difficult time getting online

in north korea they do they they squash

everything it’s like they have

huge internet

what do you call it

blackouts yeah i

think so filters

yeah they’re

not allowed to play starcraft or something like that

right well the

south koreans man

south korean gaming pro gaming in

south korea is so huge

they have like

these live events

where they have like an

arena filled with fucking people

that are watching dudes play

video games

have you ever seen that channel

i know holy

fuck man they’re playing starcraft

and some of

these korean dudes that play starcraft they

would make these

insane amount of movements in

a minute like a hundred and

thirty nine movements in a minute

so they’re doing like almost two a second

or more than two a second

is this a keyboard game

keyboard and mouse it’s a

one of those games

where like you’re playing like you have an army

and you move them in certain positions

okay your tactical game

yeah it’s a real yeah it’s a tactical game and it’s

super complex and it’s

like it’s very you know very strategy based

and some guys

are just wizards on it and they have this one dude just

korean dude is like this

ultra badass

starcraft wizard

that’s the game

right starcraft

and they had him

these giant big

screens and people were going

crazy when he was kicking ass

they were going nuts

head faggot it’s so bizarre

i wonder why that

never caught on in america

when you think

about how popular games are over here

maybe a little

duty shit maybe it will

be something eventually starcraft’s pretty big out here

it is but it’s

not that big

haven’t they always been

ahead of us with games like

you know have they been

they used to be

the japanese used to be

ahead of the games back in the

nintendo days but nowadays we have

most of the biggest

game makers here in the

states i mean even

california you

know ea right yeah

thq’s here too

yep thq all the

they’re right on

they were in calabasas

and i think they

moved to yeah they

moved further

north it’s a

it’s a badass

place man i went to their

whole fact i got to

start working on the next game

we’re starting to work on it

again that’s

crazy which game

games gonna be sick

the ufc games oh cool

fighting games awesome they’re getting

better and better like the movements are getting better

there’s more complexity i’ll find out exactly what’s

gonna be in the next one i can’t really tell you guys

sorry bitches

zombies zombie

ufc players headlocks

headlocks when

their headlocks definitely

have headlocks

bring back nuggets um

eyeball scratching it goes for we do

like you know we’ll do like

hours and hours and

hours of just

breaking down

fight scenarios and

and talking

about different

fighters are in the game talking

about like what the guys good at what the guys bad at

so it almost

literally is like you’re

watching it live so

so many variations

do you guys put the um

do you put the

people in the suits the motion capture suits

yes so cool

i did that one time for a friend

you were doing a

commercial and you needed someone to help out with that

that was so much fun yeah

yeah it’s crazy it’s such an interesting

bizarre thing to do i did a

they did a full body scan of me too

where i stand there

and they spun around me with this

crazy camera

and then they show you this 3d

image of you like this computer

really you know recreation of you

and it’s so

weird are you in the two thousand ten one or

something that was in the last one the last one yeah i

think i know i think you

fight with me

oh no you can

in the two thousand ten no no no no i don’t

think so when are they

gonna do that i don’t know i

think i would have to do

a lot of shit for them to do that to be an easter egg

yeah that’s not a big i mean that’s not an easter egg

dude that’s like a big project when you create a new

model and you

do well they

could just like put your head on you know you

should do is you get like someone like me to

model you so

be like joe rogan but be some

fucking idiot

to be a chick

that would be awesome with your head

it looks like he has

tits dude that’d be awesome if

you in a bathing

suit with your head on it as an easter egg

that’d be fucking great

yeah those are always the best as the easter egg

characters yeah if you ever want to get humbled though

about how much time it takes to make something

watch or talk to someone

who’s working on

video games

oh it’s it’s insane what we’re

going to what next week

cliffy b or december cliffy b

yeah he’s coming december eighth yeah he’s the

gears of war guy

right yeah yeah i’ve

known that dude for a long time he’s

super cool we met him

god it was like

two thousand and one or two or something like that

yeah okay he

he has a place in

south carolina and i was doing um

or is it north carolina

north carolina

raleigh right

and we were doing

comedy there this

place called charlie good nights

so i don’t know how

it all got hooked up on the internet somehow or another

and he want us giving us a tour of his place

and that was

a pre xbox 360 and

they already had one

and they had

gears of war playing and we were just like

wow this is something that no one else has seen

except for like a

small group of people

and we’re used to like what

genesis or something

like that but we were used to like i

think nintendo

64 or two or

three was out of the yeah

three craig

three oh that’s right doom

was coming out

because remember

because we’re

gonna take a big shit on doom

right that might have been the

second time we were there though

they did i think it was we’ve been there a few times

anyway he showed us

some models from gears of war like the animated

models that aren’t in the game just to

show like as a

technology demonstration

and our jaws fucking hit the floor

like they had

flashlights they

would move flashlights across the body

and you’d see how the

shadows would vary

and move around

i was like this is insane man this is

now they actually have those

models in the games now

and the work they spend is

i don’t know how people

can actually do that i feel like it’s you have to be

on some sort of special drug to sit there

to do that kind of coding yeah

yeah so takes

forever john carmack the dude who

he’s the mastermind

behind all the it games

which are like doom and

quake and wolf and

all those deathmatch

style games he’s

there’s very rarely am i around someone who’s so

smart that i get nervous

you know what i mean like i’m like

why am i even talking like

everything i say is nonsense

this guy’s like this

fucking super mathematical genius

he’s such a

genius that he codes the craziest game engines in the

world right

and when he’s not doing that in his off time

he’s a rocket scientist oh just a little

rocket scientist

working on like the x prize

you know developing fucking

these rockets in his backyard and

he turbocharges his ferraris

himself custom

wow brings in mechanics and shit but he

designs these fucking crazy

1000 horsepower

turbocharged ferraris he’s constantly

tweaking them

and fucking with them and taking them to the track

it’s just like

a super mathematical

genius and when you talk to him he makes

these like umms

he goes like this

well they basically were working on the

coating the ins like it’s like his

brain is working so fucking fast his

mouth gotta go slow slow

bitch slow the fuck down um

we say oh yeah um

just super super

genius his latest game that just came out on the ipad

remember the rage

we went to go see

this that looks good yeah we saw them

demonstrate that too

yeah yeah that is in game footage

this this is a

yeah one of the best ipad games

oh my god that is insane yeah

point that in my direction

that shit’s amazing

yeah you get to

drive around in

these trucks and this is a console game

right this isn’t even a pc game

right no i think he’s

gonna have it as a

well i don’t know

maybe i don’t know

both but they’re so

famous for the pc games man

and we’ve had the pc

versus console argument yeah my

girlfriend and i have that argument because she is a

world of warcraft

player and she

can’t stand the

console really yeah

it’s very clunky when you get used to the keyboard the

mouse yeah super precise

how much how much does she play a day

she isn’t play anymore but she um

she used to play a lot i

think she used to have

i think she’s had a

bunch of characters of the problem so

jesus christ like

couple a couple

level fifties

maybe i wanna see

trolls she trolling out there

probably different people does she

dress up as

characters so

she what does she

dress up as a

now she’s like to

do you ever bang her when she’s pretending to be like a

witch or some shit

she’s sort of a

witch in general

she’s just naturally a witch

yes she has

ultimate control

i’m popping puppeted right now

maybe i don’t know

this is real tell me what this is real

is this a cry for help

if it’s a cry for help

blink twice

help help help

i can’t even

blink man you can’t

blink so no i can not without her she

might be watching girls that

play video games as one of my biggest turn ons in the

whole entire

world when i find out somebody actually is a

gamer i just can’t stop

thinking about

it you shouldn’t meet her she’s

she is a like

i feel like

she’s like a nerd

dream kind of and i mean

me i’m not a huge

gamer yeah you shouldn’t meet her

i’ll be like

i have a perfectly good butthole

so there’s a girl i’ve talked

about before isis taylor

who’s a porn star and she just

tweets every

day like just beat the new assassin’s creed in like

two days and

it just like i’m playing call of duty

right now and

i can’t get enough of it and i’m just like

well for one

thing she definitely

did not beat the new assassin’s creed in two days no

i think it was even less than

i played it and i took me forever oh she did

maybe she’s more of a wizard than you

dude seriously i

think she beat you beat it less than two days

she must have played it non stop

that’s what i’m saying

that’s what i’m saying when

so this you’re

saying that this turns you on the fact that there’s

a high points are

fucking god yes

understand is all

dirty and sweaty

i always get

i always meet the girls and they’re like oh i love

video games and you let

you try to play

it and they’re just like play one game like this is

stupid i don’t like this game and

that’s not a real

gamer that’s just somebody that’s saying something

eddie bravo and i have talked

about this all the time about

you will always meet

certain girls that will

morph their personality to be with

their man oh

absolutely like we were

watching a ted

nujitz show

ted nujitz’s

wife was hanging out with them and cooking and she was

going hunting

and eddie was like this

bitch doesn’t really want to be hunting oh exactly

she just something is

ted likes hunting yeah

i mean i don’t

know if that’s the case but that is the case

often that a lot of girls will become into what

their boyfriend oh

absolutely absolutely

one of my exes

hated sports

and now every time i look at her twitter it’s like

just watch the

new york yankees

i’m just like you are fucking

faking it i can’t stand

that that’s so

crazy that’s the

worst well some

chicks and some dudes too

i shouldn’t even really categorize this as only

chicks become the

morph when they go into relationships

we all know

some guys that go into relationships and just

start weird now

i wanna mention

names right we have that one friend

and he’s a different


every time he’s in a different relationship really yeah

jesus christ yeah sometimes it just

drive you crazy that’s too bad

poor fuck he just

just whatever happens

he just wants to be in this relationship so bad that he

morphs and becomes what the

chick wants yeah

and depending on what the

chick wants

you know he addresses it as he’s just

going through

phases in his life and

this is what he’s into now damn i’m really into makeup

right now i’m really into yeah

in a skinny

jeans and glam

i’m in the glam

i’m in the oprah

god i got a

yeast infection

i don’t know

david bowie did a lot of cool shit yeah

early in his career

the way he looked

he did do a lot of cool shit imagine if

there was a dude that used to come to the comedy store

and he was a regular looking dude

you know from the midwest and then he was out here for

so he had a little bit of a problem with drugs

and he was out here for just a

short amount of time and one time i ran into him at the

comic store i hadn’t seen him in like shit a

month 30 days

also he had four lip

piercings a nose

piercing and an eyebrow piercing

and he was stretching his ears out with

those that shit

so fucking stupid

and i was like

but it was like

it was like let me

check my face

like whoa like you you really just went for it yeah

i knew a couple guys in college

who were that who

suddenly became like

incredibly emo over like a six

month period when like

wait what that’s

that’s you you’re the same guy

and sort of it’s

they are but they’re not and this

other guy too

who was a comedian

and it’s like

david fucking recognize and we lost the thirty

pounds it’s like a

new crazy hairstyle all this

stuff like you just did

you just totally

changed everything

that i liked

about the look

at jim brewer

man he was just at flappers the

other day by

the way he said was like his favorite new club ever

yeah but anyways he was

known as the

marijuana guy the pot guy that’s all he talks about

now super clean

super religious i

think or something i don’t know

his wife was a christian i

think he just

jump right in

really i guess

but that’s changing your

whole audience

that’s not your that’s

not college kids anymore that’s like my mom’s well you

could look at it that way or you

could look at it and say

he’s developing a new audience because he’s

evolving and they’re

evolving with him and

maybe some of them will come

along with them and

you said devolving right

evolving changing

in his eyes i’m not saying you know

look you know it’s like we talked

about before

about religion being

sort of like a good scaffolding for living a happy life

we have to address

the fact that comedians a lot of them a

giant percentage of them are miserable as fuck

right and a lot of them wind up

you know like

dying and being terrible

we’ve all ran into

comics that we

haven’t seen a long time we see when they’re

older now and they’re just

super super bitter and it’s sad yeah

you know it’s a fucking terrible terrible

thing when a lot of dudes

when they they get older in

their life and they have children they have a family

like they wanna they

wanna think different man they

wanna be a little bit more

happy they don’t

wanna be morose

and cynical

about everything

you just picked your finger up like

do you oh i just thought of something i was gonna do a

video of a morose

and cynical guy no but you were talking

about the comics you know

getting angry

do that all the time

but there’s somebody the

other day and i

think i can

say that story

this is the

story no no

you tell and i’ll say if it was the

story that i

think it was your

job okay yeah this involves a

comic that’s

older that has become a

complete asshole i don’t know if he was an asshole the

whole time what’s

fucking gallagher

he was making fun of this guy that works at the comedy

store that has

multiple sclerosis he walks

funny and he’s

like fucking making fun of him to his face

about how he’s walking and then

the club owners and all the

staffs like

dude stop that’s not cool at all and he was

and he wouldn’t stop he was at the real

going and going

yeah it’s the real one

it wasn’t his brother that’s

were you there i was there yeah did

you video it

no i didn’t

video i don’t

wanna get banned from the comedy

story anymore so i

don’t film there anymore but

you could talk

about any of the

comics people were twittering it like comedy i

think i mean

everybody saw it

and it was i had an

experience with gallagher myself when i was in high

school the freshman of high

school i went to see gallagher

this is in rochester minnesota so you know shows

where he was at that

point in time

and you know

rogers tiny town and he

went to a show to a

gallagher show

as in the front row

i was like this is

gonna be so awesome and

he asked for a volunteer he

brings me up and i was like yeah yeah i won’t be on

school on stage

brings up stage and he puts me on this

shot this wooden

chopping block

and like makes fun of me for like

three four or five minutes just

saying mean

things to me

i’m like you know i’m just

gonna smile like okay

i have my hands my pockets like

why do you have your hands in your pockets huh

you must not have a girlfriend

is the audience

laughing at this i don’t even remember really

but i guess a little bit

and i was like you know

i had a baggy

skills a skateboard

the times of course have my bag how old how old again

was probably

fifteen and

you know i look like i was 10 though

he was shitting on you when you were 15

yeah and i was

up there i look like i was 10 years old though

cause i looked really

young right and i had like my baggy

skateboard jeans on so you must be the best

skateboarder in the

world i don’t see any holes in

those jeans

just it was just ridiculous

and then he had we

did a bunch of

stuff like putting on his penguin

thing sliding across the

stage and that was fun but the

like why you

you bring up like a

some dude can make you

know that well


for some comedians and for a lot of comedians back in

those days like

insulting people

was like thought of as like it’s part of the show

right and you have to just

kind of take it dude i talked i talked to davey that

night though the guy with multiple

scores he was

about to quit his job and just

start fighting this guy i mean you

could tell by talking to him how

upset he was he was walking around

i mean i got to the

point where i just

started following davey around just to

grab him if he was to go to attack

gallagher make fun

of a guy with a horrible disease like that oh and he

wouldn’t stop and he said something about like

as one of the

semi quotes he said something

about his hands like oh his hands probably aren’t

strong because he has multiple sclerosis

so he can’t

he actually said multiple

sclerosis yeah jeez

one thing if you just sort of like being

generic but beings very specific like i’m specifically

making fun of you because you have multiple

and he wouldn’t stop

was there anyone else laughing

huh no one was

laughing no one was

laughing no it was

awful and i talked to somebody that used to

tour with him or something like that

and he was like

dude he’s always been a fucking asshole he’s a complete

jersey whoa

i didn’t know that

never thought gallagher

you know because you only see him from like old hbo

specials or whatever

you just seem as like this

happy guy that

crushes whatever

watermelons but now yeah well

the behind the

scenes of gallagher’s probably


wonder if he was always like that i was just

becoming one

probably a little bit of both

cause i think his brother

now does his

stuff he didn’t do it for a

while for like

seven or years well his

brother like bought the act for a

while because

gallagher quit

does it yeah

and then the problem is the brother really that was his

way to make a living he was calling himself gallagher 2

right it was to

comics it was just too beautiful to be real

right it was like you know

everybody like to make fun of gallagher in the first

place and now you find out his fucking brother has

taken over his act like holy shit

and his brother looks really similar

i don’t really

like mistakeably

similar right

yeah he looks yeah

close enough if you

weren’t like a huge gallagher fan

and you saw

him you’d go well if something looks different

about him but yeah i

guess it’s one of

them dyes their hair in one

dozen is that what it is yeah

is this the

story you thought i was gonna say

oh no i thought you’re talking

about something about

john mayer or something

like that oh yeah john mayer was there a couple days

later and i saw john mayer do comedy

twice did you try to

smell his fingers

no no but i met him and i

shake his hand

i john mayer

if i shake his hand i’d have to go and miss my finger

no no i tried to suck his

power out when he

shook my hand

but then he

sucked he shook my hand

again so he took the

power back but i was

thinking that when i was

shaking his

pussy power

like i was thinking

like when i was shaking his hands like i’m getting his

energies i’m getting his energy i’m

stealing his soul

sands you watch

too many movies but then he

shook it back and took it back i

bet he’s a handsome man

you’re handsome man too

you’re on your well well it was interesting that we

we he by the way invite him on the podcast and

he’s you know said if he was a fan of you and he

said give him props and

stuff but he

actually did a pretty good job a good writing

but you know your

stage presence and timing and stuff is

completely not he’s so handsome and he gets so much top

shelf pussy i bet he’s so like

self conscious when he’s up there that people must

think he’s a dick

you know what i mean like probably

yeah he probably gets this

weird thing

i mean look he does

his concerts

right he gets on

stage and bitches go fucking

crazy crazy

by bitches i do not mean

women in a derogatory

way okay talk about

talk funny here

ladies it’s the

funnier way to say it

ladies the ladies get very

excited the

ladies get loose

they get fucking nuts i mean that’s got to be a

weird mind fuck

for that dude

you know he’s just singing shit and

he’s like you

know and as it comes to when it comes to like

young men singers

that are out there killing it

who’s doing it better than him

is there one

he doesn’t even have competition bieber

they all have to fuck him

bieber yeah yeah

bieber we all have to fuck him

if you wanna fuck a good musician

john mayer that’s all but he fucked everybody

that guy’s fucked everybody’s fucked jennifer aniston

he’s fucked

who else he fucked jessica

simpson i have no idea

fuck small to

realize he was

there hot he meets me fuck some he’s fucking

everything he’s fucking everyone i had

no idea he was

like that at all but

yeah i just did

all over the

internet it’s amazing i follow his trajectory

he’s the ultimate stud

when it comes to like celebrity hot

chicks now he’s doing comedy but

probably has to do something like his

pr if something please

let us have something

is that a new

trend with the people doing comedy

he wants well i

think he’s a

funny guy anyway

and i think he likes the art for

him he’s always hanging out in the village always hear

about comics say that he came to the comedy

store or the comic

store well i

think also has something to do with him getting in

trouble with twitter

and then having

him he just canceled his account was 2 million people

and he was always kind of

funny on twitter

but it probably had something to do with

his pr guys like

alright you just said the most dumbest shit in the

world you gotta get into comedy

so that’s acceptable

or something

to rebuild your career you have to be a

comic because he just made fun of a bunch of

women or something like that

right what was whatever that was that he got in

trouble for i don’t remember what he said it was

something kind of dickish to

women or something

i think i’m a comic

he also did well that was the

other problems he did his interview

where he started talking

about girls and banged

and he felt real bad

about it because i remember he got on

stage and he

issued this apology

he was being really

self critical

and you know it was it

was kind of interesting you know see him up there like

for obviously he like it

really thought

this out and he’s really kind of like you know

self deprecating when he was on

stage kind of explaining

how he fucked up and

it was not his intention and

just trying to give people some good shit

you know i’m saying he was cool

man the conversation i had with him zero ego zero just

just down to

earth nice guy probably

tired he probably fucked everyone that day yeah

probably no loads left of his body

right he just let me go to the comedy

store and just see

plot my next move

i saw steve

doing comedy too recently

yeah me too

and he actually did better

that steven

did better than john mayer

steve i’ve heard he’s been doing it for a

while now right

i think dan cook has been like sort of

yeah taking

steve on the road yeah we’re no no road

or something

like that yeah

but no he seemed very likable on

stage steve oh

nice being himself is being

the guy from jackass just without the all the drugs and

so he’s totally

clean now huh

totally he’s even a

vegan oh but he

still you know still

there’s another guy you can’t be that guy if

mommy raised you

right you know if

everything went well you can’t be that guy

or maybe maybe his

maybe he’s the product of like

could be breastfeeding till five or something

like that who knows

right too much love

is fighting

it back with

fucking broken

dude that shit like

balls injuring himself

broken light bulbs across the tongue

i haven’t seen that i’ve seen yes

a lot of them that are

i think i’ve seen enough

he was one of

those people when i met him was like

there’s steve o

how weird you

know every now

and then you do

one of these

spike things

like i did this

spike tv thing it was like one of

those awards like guys choice awards

and it was kinda interesting but

the problem was

i had to do stand up

and they had i

think tracy

morgan was the host of it

i’m pretty sure

tracy morgan was host of it and

what they did was they had bands play like they had

zz top play

but they had them play

more than once

it was a live audience so they

played the song they didn’t like it so they played it

again because it wasn’t live on

television it was to tape

whenever something was not live on

television they

beat the fuck out of that poor audience

and then you got to go up there and do

stand up and it was ugly i just

did not have an interesting

set so i wanted to get the fuck out of there but it was

it was a weird

experience being around all

these celebrities like

everywhere i looked like well that’s that kat von d

chip and this is that guy

you celebra

deed yeah that shit’s always weird

but it makes it interesting

like the other day i

went out with

dana dirman

the porn star girl we went to go do karaoke

and this guy gets on

stage it looked he was

dressed up like a mexican

doing 50 cent songs

next thing you know it was fucking 50 cent like i

guess they’re doing that show what they did with jewel

undercover karaoke

or whatever it’s called

where they just have the girl like

these people

going to karaoke bars and

stuff and sing

their own shit

that’s what

jewel was doing

yeah she was doing it for a show she was doing it for

funny or die but i think that

video became so popular that like

mtv or tvs ordered a

pilot for this new one and

but yeah so the next

thing i know i’m fucking seeing 50 cent

horribly do his own

music on stably

awful it got so bad

it got so bad

that me and my friend

afterwards they

interviewed us i hope they use it because

afterwards they interviewed us and my friends like

it was okay i’m like

dude tell him the truth

alright well so this dude

looked like he was mexican went on stage and

he did 50 cent songs that was 50 cent

and he just couldn’t

even sing his own song he forgot his own lyrics

and blah blah blah and i’m like wow

and so then 10 minutes

later they put 50 back on

stage and i didn’t know if it had anything to do with

johnny or a friend saying that

but they redid it

you know they tved

of doing it

and it was a little

bit better actually have it on my youtube channel so

i got a red ban on youtube

are you supposed to be youtubers is totally illegal hey

you know it was from my

phone i i were

there yeah i was there

no they stopped you from doing that right

right they didn’t tell you there was a million people

yeah you tell me with

their phones

yeah with their

phones releases up they

don’t have releases up they always at this

dimples bar

cause they actually film there it’s across the

street from all the

studios there’s always shit

going on there so

you walk in and there’s a

thing that’s like

molded on the wall what

it’s like wait a minute

permanent release

yes so if you go there you’re just an attention whore

absolutely where they film

every single person that goes on stage

and then what’s cool is if it’s your

first time there they’ll burn you a dvd for free

and take a photo who owns it

uh probably the

studios because you go in there and you see

they just playing

videos of all

the celebrities that have ever gone in there like on

their days off doing karaoke

and you don’t even realize that

they’re recording and saving all this shit

wow so they have some pretty interesting

yeah there’s a

funny thing

about karaoke

right you go

up there and you nail it if you got a really good

voice you’re a badass but

if you if you’re like

trying now you’re failing yeah

it’s the worst

yeah terrible to

watch it’s i

never try though

that luckily i always like pick the song that

sounds the best when you’re

drunk like the

crash test dummies mmm

so i’ll be drunk one

i’m a big fan

of creed songs

for karaoke because all you have to do is just

heard standing here

just a little that

i mean it’s great

last time i ever

sang karaoke was that the comedy works in montreal

hammered hammered

and he had one of

those karaoke

things where your

voice it doesn’t matter what you

sound like cause it’s all echoed the fuck

right sounds

good saying herbed

french mattress

songs hello

me doing shots

we’re fucking trash

that place is

an awesome comedy club the comedy works in montreal

the guy jimbo who owns it

one of the funniest guys i’m there

the december

whatever it is it’s like 10th or 11th

or ninth doesn’t matter whatever

sold out whatever that

yeah it’s all sold out but it’s the day before the ufc

it’s a hundred seats it’s just like

it’s nice here

in montreal man

it’s amazing i have a question now when you

when you have

these dates like this montreal

date that you said has been sold out for so long

have you ever thought hey

maybe i should go there a day

early and do two more so now

can’t do it

i have a question can i use the bathroom yeah

yeah all right oh

this is this is

gonna be it’s

on the coffee

oh it’s from pp

you both have to you gonna

leave me here by myself you fucks

brian don’t

leave me man

don’t leave me

so anyways then

later that night

at the 50 cent night

we went to tell

you your pals with dana

de armon from the

nasty show from sam tripoli show i’m

yeah i met her

briefly there fucking

funny dude she is hilarious she says some

funny shit man

she wrote a

tweet once on twitter

it said question what was the craziest

thing i ever had up my ass answer cat toys

you know what’s so

funny is she is like her biggest turn on is


wow and i was like dude i’m the biggest

pussy and i have a dick

does that count

but no no but

she’s one of the best hecklers too like i will

never take her

to one of your shows because she has this whole

thing where she

if somebody sucks

she will let them know they suck

she did that to mike

young right well

to be fair mike

young it was really like 2 am but mike

young got thrown on

stage he didn’t even know what was

going on there and he was kind of like

i don’t know

maybe he had had a long

night or whatever

but she went

right into him

and then it got to the

point where he was just like mike’s a pimp

so mike brings out

just this girl of his whip because he couldn’t really

fight the heckle i don’t

think so he brought out a girl

brought out the

you know how he’s always there with a girl

you know so he brought his girl on

stage and talk

blocking him

right now no no no no

i mean like friends and his

pals his pals and so then like he just kind of like his

that act turned in it just showing the girls legs and

stuff on stage

oh okay so he stopped trying with the comedy

and respond to her heckles yeah

i think he tried

see the promise

like she was like bragging all

about like i

know i know

the next problem is is that she was doing this heckle

thing at karaoke

bar to so when

people didn’t know the song are like she’s like

why did you

pick the song if you don’t know how to do it

and she was making me nervous

so i kind of got nervous when she was in the comedy

store cause i didn’t want

anyone to get mad at me cause i

was there with her

so i kind of like hid

that’s hilarious man that

bitch is crazy who’s this

this dana de armond this porno

started was

heckling have you

heard of her

yeah she does that

nasty show all the time yeah she’s like she likes to do

stage stuff like

i’m sorry the

naughty show it’s called the naughty

show she does

stage show i mean she actually does like

stuff outside of porn i did some show with her at

ucb a long time ago

she was one of

those celebrity

or panelist

judges sort of

thing so yeah

well i think was

judge for like the dirtiest

sketch show actually is what it was

so she was on the

panel but i’ve

heard a bunch of

different things

about her doing

stuff within the comedy realm

isn’t that a

funny that’s a

funny combination

the stripper

slash porn star

slash yeah you know and then comedians

that’s weird it’s that’s also

weird that what’s the girl um

sasha gray who’s now like

an actress and

stuff where well she’s very smart man

yeah it’s really interesting listen to that girl talk

i don’t i don’t know what her deal is

yeah but she has like all

these different

videos online

sasha grey on sasha

grey it’s like

she’s like whatever she

is i don’t know what the fuck happened to her i don’t

know what her deal is but whatever she is that’s her

like she’s very she’s

right i mean i feel like she’s

she’s interesting because she’s not

the typical porn star i

don’t feel like

you know i’ve

watched those i don’t feel like i’m getting anything


out of it but

it’s definitely interesting that she

doesn’t fit the mold

kind of it’s always

weird to me

when one person transcends out of a business

you know when like all the

sudden there’s this one guy who’s

known as this incredible bowler

you know what i’m saying

i mean like who’s the best pool

player ever you ask the average person minnesota fats i

heard minnesota

fats is amazing

you know there’s

a person who somehow another becomes more

famous than everybody else and

becomes that

sport or that game like a

lance armstrong

name me one

other fucking guy races bikes

right lloyd

floyd landis is only one i know

that’s because

he know who that guy is he won but he got his

thing taken no

title taken away from doping

well dude we have a friend who was a professional

cyclist who

teaches jiu jitsu now

and he tells me everyone’s on it

well that and

the thing that he got busted for

which i think is

total bullshit is that

it’s something about

they’re not allowed to oxygenate their

blood they do this

weird thing where they

train at altitude

and they’ll take

their own blood

and they’ll go

blood doping yeah they

insert it back in

their body how

come you can’t do that that seems like

that seems ridiculous to me

it’s your own goddamn blood

and it also

gives you an

unfair advantage the ideas are supposed

to all be on a

level playing

field but i

see your point

if it’s your

blood yeah you

should be able to do whatever you want

but they also have that epo

stuff that’s okay what

he told me they all take it’s like the

hyperbrecht chamber

effect no no

no epo is a

it’s some sort of a chemical

agent some sort of a drug you take it

and what it does is it makes you produce more red

blood cells so your

body produce

the same effect as

us just like living

in attitude yeah

and apparently a lot of like real

heavy hardcore endurance people use it because

it produces more

blood cells isn’t that how they

test for it the only way to test for it is to take your

blood before

like they have a constant no i don’t think so

no i don’t think

it’s a test i

think epo shows up i

think it does

i think it’s

you know it’s a bad substance

and you know i think

it hasn’t always shown up there was like a long time

where they weren’t testing for it

but i think they’ve also

retroactively tested people gone

back tested

samples that they still

kept and caught people

using it it’s

just a bunch of shit that they take man i wonder what

would happen if i took

that like i

would get like

it gets you

high by any means you know or if it just makes you feel

like amazing energy powerful

i’ll tell you when i was living in the mountains

when i was at eighty five hundred feet

above sea level

i was there for

a couple of

months and i did a gig in philly

i was in philly for like

three days in a row

and dude i felt like a fucking superman really

it was crazy

cause i just gone from the mountains to

to the water

to sea level

i was at the gym working out

i couldn’t believe how much energy i had

it was crazy

i was telling my friends like dude i feel like i can

throw these fucking weights

like you just feel like you have so much more

vibrancy to your body because you have all this

extra blood

but then it probably also can give you

strokes and shit to me yeah

yeah epo can at

least same with

i took some oxygen once

in the desert because i was like

it was super hot we were

shooting and i thought i was

gonna pass out

wow took a bunch of oxygen and

i felt like a

10 000 times better after that

i was thinking

about getting a mask just

yeah just pure oxygen

at like i don’t know

for i came with the rate is

you have that oxygen

scrub or we

should just

start sucking on

that stuff is

great gets you

have it there but the promise it’s not a uniform sound

it goes like this

some of the

hotels that when we stayed in seattle last time we

had oxygen had oxygen

in the bathroom remember that there was like shampoo

soaps and oxygen

like a container

really your mouth yeah

that stuff is great i really

think it’s the best thing i

tried like hell to get an oxygen tank at home but

it’s weirdly there’s a lot of red tape you

have to have a prescription for

yeah for oxygen it can explode

everyone it could turn you into

a fucking that’s true

but i just want a little tank just a little

tank you know when i’m hungover and want to watch tv

well hypobaric chambers

i’ve always thought that’s fascinating

too and you

know some people use

those to heal

like uriah faber who’s an

mma fighter

he’s famous for using this

hyperbaric chamber

michael jackson had one

too exactly

apparently you get in there and you

can go in there for like a couple

hours and you feel like you got 10 hour

sleep you feel fucking fantastic

when you come out of there you feel all refreshed

i don’t know

seems like a good i

think a good

thing to have

though because if it does that if it makes you heal

quicker from injuries

it’s got to make you heal

quicker from life

right it’s got

a day do you mean do you have to necessarily be in the

chamber can’t you just have like a bed that had oxygen

flowing on your face when you’re

sleeping i don’t

know exactly what a

hyperbaric does

i’m not exactly sure what it does

i’m pretty sure

it’s a lot more complicated than that it increases

the pressure i

think is what it is right

increases the barometric pressure

yeah so it’s

basically like being

underwater but

without being

underwater i don’t

understand how it works

but what it does is it assists in healing

remember that when michael jackson was

told about how

he’s the craziest

motherfucker in the world

that’s ignorance

right there i’m like

wait a second it’s just

oxygen it’s actually probably pretty good it is kind of

spacey though you know it’s very fucking

alien like the

image of him

climbing into this tube like some fucking starchild a

bunch of babies around him

monkeys the oxygen

babies fucking

amusement park ride

shit those are just my oxygen

babies when i talk

about the isolation

tank that’s the

people don’t know what it is

cause you done

that brings it up yeah yeah i

wanna do that so bad and when people

bring it up the first

thing they say is oh is that like that michael jackson

thing michael jackson

you have one of

those chambers in your house

i have one i have one in my

house you have a

water one or something yeah yeah

yeah that’s so incredible you

should do it man

where do you

know what part of hollywood you live i live

live downtown

you live downtown yeah

well you can go to venice

venice has a

great one it’s called the

float lab yeah he

just contacted me and offered

me anytime i wanted to

float lab guy

yeah he’s great this guy

yeah he’s a fucking scientific

genius evil

do that evil genius

crazy man isn’t like it almost like a


experience like

yeah we’ve talked

about it on the podcast

so many times i can’t really

cover it anymore got it

but it’s it’s exactly

what it is it’s what what happens is your body produces

you know your your

brain becomes untethered from your body your body

has no sensory

input and you just

starts having

these psychedelic images

streams and

gets really

tripping cool

yeah but and

by the just

that’s fascinating and

everything but just for the

relaxation of it

you walk out

of there you feel so good it’s like all the

strain it’s been removed

from your muscles you know it’s an amazing feeling

everybody’s trying

we keep talking

about doing on the podcast

but nobody ever you

should do a podcast inside an isolation yeah

we thought about doing that but that

would be defend

the whole put

a record yeah

the whole purpose of the

thing is that you’re not supposed to make any

or talk any or you know do not

sounds you supposed to just

empty you disappear i

think the best

podcast is we all eat mushrooms a half hour before we

started do do

and then saw it coming on

right and then

right when we get to the panic mode

sorry we gotta go

hit the kills

the only problem with that is you

couldn’t really you couldn’t a announce that you were

gonna do it you couldn’t say that you were doing it

while you’re on the podcast

yep it’s so

tricky man because

somebody wanted to go

after you and say you’re doing something we would just

do it not tell anybody

and it would be the fucking

weirdest podcast ever

the mushrooms

are not california

california has like the

worst mushroom laws in the country

do they really they do you can

it’s they have their

every aspect of

psychedelic mushrooms are illegal

in california and florida really

florida it’s

like the opposite you can do whatever you want with

basically you

can grow them

you can you can have them picked and dry and

everything but

really yeah you can’t even

order you can’t

order some it

was a federal

issue though

it is but somehow it’s a

state thing as well i don’t know

think marijuana

it breaks down yeah but there’s no really it

should be but there’s no prescription


i mean they

should definitely

be prescribing mushrooms there’s all

these studies that have come out and talked about

there’s one that

just someone who was talking

about it yesterday

about how psychedelic drugs psilocybin

lsd and even mdma

are they actually in improve people’s

psychological state yes

sos i’ve been is a

great great

thing i feel like because it’s

it’s one of

those things

where you can’t um

you can’t take too much of it because your body

builds of a tolerance so fast that

you can basically only trip

crazy like once or

twice a month

before you have to take consume mass amounts of

mushrooms just to

it’s just like

everyday it’s like people that

smoke weed every day if they knew if

they knew that they could take

three days off a week off

they just reset

their marijuana clock

and then now

they’ll take a hit next week and it’ll be so much

stronger is that all it takes oh

it usually takes about

three days i would say

three to five days

yeah to reset

yeah i take a long time

off sometimes sometimes i go a couple weeks without it

depending on if i’m writing if i’m writing i don’t

ever take time off it’s like doug benson you know doug

that dude he’s one of

those guys that

smokes all day

now that guy just took

a week off he would

back to normal

one joint i’m so

stoned yeah

but i think he’s

enjoying it you saw the

movie right yeah

super home yeah

yeah i think he

enjoys it though you know i mean i

think he enjoys being high all the time

you know i think he does he’s a

he’s a nice friendly high guy

yeah you know i

think it stops working like a teddy bear

yeah if you smoke

all day long

you’re not getting high anymore you’re just kind of

definitely not getting obliterated

alright i had a

good friend

high school

yeah i have a good friend high

school who once

we were in like the

video store together and like

are you high

right now he’s like

no i’m not high

he smoked so much weed that i thought he was

stone when he was sober

that’s hilarious yeah i

think that’s

when i was in

seventh grade there was a kid

named vic dobrowski

victim broski was like a little bit

older than us like he failed a year

and he was like

a little bit old us but he hung out with us

and he was one of

these dudes he

would look like

in real life

like a jim brewer character of a

crazy druggie

like say if jim

brewer was doing saturday night live

come on man you fucking take it man

what’s the big deal this guy

victim broski was fucking nuts and he always had

he always had

all sorts of fucked up

things that i was trying to

avoid he like my friends

would go and do drugs with them

whatever they want

anyways one of the

first times i ever did pot i did it with vic nebraski

the gateway kid it’s always the gateway

it’s always

that kid who like

has been held back who

helps you get access to

things by the time i was

thirty years old i

maybe smoked pot

just a handful of times my whole life

and one of them was this fucking kid

one of them was

my stepdad my stepdad gave me some pot when i was eight

wow yeah he was

smoking weed and i was like let me try it and he let me

are you fucking serious oh i’m totally serious wow that

was a hippie

long haired hippie man

we were living in san francisco that’s awesome it was

very strange we used to me and my friends and i have

these tapes somewhere in ohio

me and my friends when we were

like 15 we would

get some marijuana and

would sit around a tape recorder and just get high and

it’s kind of what we’re doing right now

but you know but just

three of us and it was

you know when

you’re 15 high is different than when you’re an

adult high the

shoot used to talk

about it was probably the dumbest retarded ship ever

how old were you when you were getting high regularly

fifteen fifteen regular like

every day yeah why not

every day cause

we couldn’t it was hard to get when you were fifteen we

would buy from college kids

so how how often

would you get it

well one of us

would get it

at least once a week

and would probably

smoke maybe

two or three times a week

but back then it was different

back then we had to find places to

smoke like church parking lots

or good malls

yeah it would

be like high in our car

using pop cans

and then go into the mall and walk around

chess king and buy you

oh man i remember

stuff like that doing the craziest

craziest things just to

get the smell

the supposed

smell of smoke away

that like you have this idea as a high

school like that it’s like clinging to you like

toxic waste that it can be

smelled hours

after you know

drive around in the

middle in the minnesota winter with the windows down

like for miles with the windows down

after smoking

and just do all this

crazy stuff like change jackets and

all this stuff just just in case you know

throw the dogs off

everything so

apparent what i

read nowadays

ever if you see a fucking dog and you’re high shit

the dog with a cop shut

shut shut shut

i was with a friend of mine and we were

stone we were driving

and this is a high

school and we hit a deer

we’re stoned

and that was the scariest

thing that’s ever happened to me i thought we were

gonna be arrested and sent to jail i was sure like

the first thing i thought was

we’ve committed a huge crime here

and the head

i was in the passenger seat

and the deer’s head

he jumped literally just jumped from bushes

just arced over the road

so there’s no chance of missing we’re only

going like 30

miles an hour but the deer’s head

hit the windshield

right in front of me and

cracked the windshield

and the deer kind of

tumbled off the side of the car and i have like this

these three indelible images in my

brain one of them is

deers a profile of a deer’s head and the windshield

breaking i’m just like

fuck oh my god that was hot was it a bail did it

it was like a

dough was a full size dough

we didn’t kill it though because we’re

going really slow

so it was in the car with you yeah

no it didn’t grow through the windshield it just

cracked it you know car windshields are

thick it shattered it but it didn’t like

bust through it

i was also just

the head of it the body of it was off to the side

so it tumbled off and

i had the passenger side window was down a little bit

and a drop of mud

and a drop of

blood landed on my thumb

and i was just

oh my god there’s a

crazy one that i saw it was online it was a video

of this family that had been interviewed

after a deer went through

their car a

deer went through the

front windshield they

slammed into it the deer went through the

front windshield

kicked and smashed its way

and went out the back windshield nobody died

nobody died

but the kid

the girl got fucked up

she got like hoofed

in the face and her nose was broken and she had two

black eyes and

she was like a part of some play or something

so she had to like get

ready she didn’t want her

understudy to have to do she had

like two weeks to heal up and she was just jackmified

and then you know

the father got fucked up he had like broken

orbital bones and shit and

you know deers are fucking dangerous man

you hit your car like that

people could die all the time they go

right through the car

yeah if you’re living in a deer community it

might be a better

it might be a good idea

to have like some big fucking

mad max type

cage over the

front of your car we

still always have because in ohio it’s pretty bad

but we used to have

those little

things you put on

your bumpers that

whistles them

yeah whistles

actually work

though and i feel like they

kind of work

you can’t ever hear what if it runs out of

batteries then you’re fucked well i don’t

think it’s the batteries that use

the wind it’s a kind of like a

whistle that you put on your cars when you

drive the air goes through it makes like a

sound that you can’t hear like a

dog whistle

and i i mean

it seems like it makes sense

i think they

kind of work i

think i don’t

think they actually work because if they did

it’ll probably be mandatory to have them or something

because insurance companies

pay out the ass when

right people i’ve been in a car like six or

seven times hitting deer yeah

yeah there’s a lot of

a lot of minnesota

yeah minnesota’s packed with them

right yeah well

the problem is is like

there’s no natural predators in like the city areas

so there’s no

these herds just go

crazy you don’t have mountain lions there’s no

there’s coyotes on

maybe in the way outskirts and timber timber

wolves up north but

in southern minnesota there’s nothing

for them to uh

nothing to kill him so you

over the last

hundred years there’s been two

uh instances of

wolves killing people i just

found this out the other day

one of them they killed and

ate this guy

the wolves did yeah they

found them when they were eating this guy

is in two thousand five then there was a

woman recently

two thousand ten hmm

is that way did

you just google that or did you find it like did you

accidentally stumble on it or you just i

remember the

story i remember the story

that’s how fucked up i am

i remember the

story because i had a conversation with someone

where they were talking about

it was the dumbest conversation ever it was like

who would win a gorilla

or a grizzly bear

and it was one of

those conversations and i was saying a grizzly bear

would fuck a

gorilla yeah i think so

a grizzly bear

would do whatever you want to do but

maybe the girls no

smart would have

picked the gorilla really yeah i

would pick gorillas are just

crazy strong for some

reason yeah but so are bears and they’re way bigger

like a kodiak

like a big bears like two thousand plus

pounds gorillas don’t get to

did you find the answer

yeah well i don’t know it’s just speculation

i mean i think

probably japanese people have probably done it for a

video they do it with bugs and

tigers i’ve seen

those bugs i’ve seen

tigers vs lions they’ve done that they did

tigers vs crocodile an actual

they make them

fight each other

yeah i’m pretty sure it was a japanese video

the same people

who sound i

might not be correct

about that i

might be it

might have been japanese subtitle for

videos somebody else made

but it was a

i saw a tiger

versus a lion i saw

they do a lot

of them with bugs they have like bugs yeah

those stag beetles yeah i saw some documentary

about that it’s really interesting they’re

obsessed with

those beetles

gamble on yeah

but nobody’s gonna

stand up for a beetle

isn’t it funny it’s like then

we know they’re

alive but they’re not

quite close enough for us to give a fuck not quite

sentient you can have like a tv show

where you have

these things battle to the

death and nobody

would freak out

yeah people got pissed off me at the

snail video i did that back in the day

but you just

think about

snails though the

thing about

snails is that people

more relate to

snails than they do to beetles because

snails are soft

and they’re

soft isn’t that

crazy don’t they eat snails

yes we eat snails

yeah but it

doesn’t matter we deer

we love deer

but i think

there’s a certain

we don’t no one gets

upset if you go to the

store and buy ant spray

you know if you’re

gonna go fuck up some ants

there’s no people like

standing in

front of the

ants prey aisle picketing

you know but they’ll go

crazy about kentucky

fried chicken that and cats you can’t

people love cats of course you don’t like cats i can’t

stand them actually we did a

thing on the show

i fucking hate him

you hate him yeah i’m terrible person we did

we shot with a submarine on mega drive

and we decided we’d get a

bunch of cats and

bring them with submarine because cats hate

water so it

would be kind of a

little payback

i mean it’s cute but i just

i just don’t

i don’t know i just am a dog person

maybe it’s a

colon thing

it could be yeah

actually no a friend of mine who

doesn’t have a

colon as well

he he loves cats so

so it doesn’t make any sense

you know what man i

could see your

point though i’ve had

some cunty cats in the past but i’ve got really cool

cats now it’s on what kind of cats are around but dogs

dogs are always more interactive i don’t

hate cats i just

you don’t give a fuck i don’t

wanna injure them i don’t

wanna hurt them

right but i just

don’t give a fuck just want them to be away yeah

yeah get out of here you needy

keep my distance keep

their distance from my

body needy fucking hole

we had we had a peter

up on set for that for the

really decide to decide how many was the


number of cats to put in a two man submersible

so many do they

agree on they

under five had to be less than five cats

that’s what

someone was decide arbitraries i know it’s one

thing because it’s

definitely a precedent i don’t

think it’s ever happened before

they never had to decide

what is the

right amount of cats and this cat shit all over shit

all over the

pilot and not

me at all scared

right oh yeah

definitely scared but they were really cool i was

kinda disappointed i was hoping for like

shitty cows

freaked out they’d be

bouncing around like a little rubber bullets

they just said all

right let’s just deal with this i just sat there and

twitched into my thighs

these people have a plan

yeah when we did fear factor they

visit us a bunch of times a

bunch of different

stunts there was some

peter representatives or some animal

you know some some

group representative

i always wanted to make sure that we

weren’t doing anything fucked up from the

horse vagina

union well really

the real issues were like rats

like we did some

stuff with rats you know

where like rats got piled onto each

other and you

know a certain amount of rats on top of each

other it becomes

chaos because there’s a rat

at the bottom there

under 30 layers

of rats what’s happening that rat

yeah it seemed like you also guys had

stunts where like there’s people in like

things of rats where you

could just step on the rats they

stepped on them

yeah i’m sure they did

i like rats i tried to

avoid it but people

would scream and the rat

would bite them and the

fuck i stepped on it

people hate rats man

i feel like they’re pretty cool

well until they’re trying to eat your ass

if you ever

lived in new york city

no but i was in new york city once

and i was at a gas station and i

moved to this

is how long ago this is i didn’t even have a cell phone

and i had to go over to a pay

phone to make a call and i’m

maybe 10 yards away from my car at a pay

phone and i’m

watching rats jump all over my wheels

climb up into my car housing climb down

big ones dude

big ones like

small cats like half the size of a cat

and they’re just jumping all over my

mind whoa this

place is infested

and then they would

climb into the sewer grates

and i’m like what does it look like down there

cause this is fucking nuts

i swear to god man i was in there i was talking on that

phone for maybe two

three minutes

at least a dozen rats

climbed all over my fucking

wheel i see

a lot of rats out here in la i go in my backyard at

night and the

power wires are just

like it’s like a train

yeah i see we get them up here in the hills

zoom downtown a lot

there’s tons

of them down there but nothing like new york i don’t

think because new york has that whole

underground layer

they say there’s more rats than there are people

many more way more yeah

wrap your head around that shit man i used

to date a girl that had a rat that she just like let

run around the whole

house and it was a

smart rat though

i mean that’s the

thing that’s the thing

about it’s weird

you’re taking your chances

they’re pretty smart

right yeah i guess so you take any chances yeah

you know but it’s one of

those things where i’m sure it’s like

it’s like the hot crazy

chick you know it’s

she’s got her she’s crazy

which is we were just talking

about that in the beginning of the show before we ever

started we’re talking

about certain

someone that we know has a certain situation

where there’s a certain hot

chick who’s

crazy as fuck and she’s into him and he’s trying

to figure out what the fuck to do and i’m saying run

run like the breeze

i think you have to i

think you have to try to engage the

animal escaped

and tame it

maybe perhaps

like breaking a

stallion you can’t tame

yeah i think it’s like

breaking stallion

where it’s like most

things were

you have to just

make an attempt to

engage the beast and

and get what you can from it and think

hmm do you say that but you were

young how old

are you well

i’m 29 yeah and but i have

dated i dated a

crazy girl go

crazy she was she was bipolar

and i was in college

and she was one of

those things where

for one ending

that relationship is very difficult because

bipolar people don’t

deal with those type of

things very well

so it was like

you know four am

some painting on my

front door kind of crap like

quick creepy

crazy shit and

i was painting like

things on your front door

it’s like scratching

stuff into the door ooh

and then you

weren’t home you were home

you were sleeping i

think i was yeah she’s

below you awake

clawing it would

yeah i was like a fucking zombie

stuff like that

mean she wasn’t she wasn’t like the craziest

bipolar but there’s

i can definitely

have have sympathy for the

for that situation it’s something i

think a lot of people get into because it’s that

thing where

they’re black people like who are bipolar

very intriguing

yeah because they’re because they’re

crazy but they’re also like

maybe very talented

or interesting

or like prints in purple rain yeah

or also just totally mysterious

if i always say that if i

had a time machine i can go back in time to when i was

seventeen that’s what i do i go straight

straight fucking mystery

prince and purple rain i’d be wearing

fucking big coats to

school girls

would think i

would be amazing yeah

a big trench coat and shit i have

secrets lots of secrets

i’ll be very dark

that would be nice that’s the move for dumb

chicks man be a mystery

they love it yeah you know he’s so different

maybe like thelonious monk i’ve gotta go

like batman probably living up in a castle somewhere

in the dark like thelonious monk there go he’s a

musician he’s brilliant have secrets

he’s amazing he

doesn’t like to give interviews

he doesn’t even have cell phones oh my god he’s amazing

oh if you don’t have a cell

phone that would be like a chick magnet yeah

right i don’t have email

i don’t believe in it i don’t do email

i’m all about the moment i’m all

about interacting with people i want the real

experience but then norm mcdonald

would be really hot right now if that was the case

well he does have a phone

yeah he does have a phone and he’s

white too we didn’t know he was talking to me

about normals on our

plane when we were flying back from detroit

we’re in detroit

by the way ann arbor michigan fucking rocks we had a

great time dude me and

tommy segora did the comedy showcase in ann arbor

fuck what a great club

perfect size like two hundred

fifty people low ceiling

super awesome town

everybody was all

stoners and cool people

apparently it’s like a

it’s like really hip

area of of michigan and arbors

like a college town

this dude who

lived there so this is like a like a mini austin

frozen yeah it’s nice there

it’s nice audiences were fucking great

it was it was a good fucking time what was my

point we were talking about

nor mcdonald not having oh

so norm was on the way back we were on the phone

while we’re on the

plane with him just

randomly sitting next to him

which is cool

it happened once before

where he was actually the seat next to me that’s

right i was with him yeah

yeah yeah he

doesn’t have a cell

phone he doesn’t have a he does now he does but

he was looking at the iphone 4 like it was some fucking

time machines like hands

and thinking

about getting one of

those is it good

iphone 4 huh

i would love not to have a

phone that would be nice

it’s like i

can’t do it

though norm

doesn’t drive i

would love that to drive

really yeah i can’t

stand drive you’re on a show

where you drive that’s the irony

i mean i don’t

like driving i don’t like driving like my car

on the 134 like you know

traffic driving in the city is the most


experience in the

whole life like

every time i get in the car

it’s like my

brain just becomes that much less

powerful it just

crushes my my friend

tony v told me something once

he was a tony v is a

comic from boston

and he was making this trek

from new york

to boston he was doing on a regular basis like a

three hour drive

and i was you know he had

to do what he had to do he had a gig in new york and he

lived in boston

so i was like

how what is that like what are you doing

are you going crazy

this fucking

drive that’s a nutty drive duo

he goes i just goes in

he goes i just

in my car i’m driving i go this is what i’m doing now

and that’s how i look at it

i go wow i never even thought

about that way that really is like

you can decide that this fucking sucks i can’t

meanwhile how bad does

it suck really what are you doing you’re sitting right

you know oh requires your concentration you

think you’re

gonna be okay

i just hate that that that sometimes i

space out so much when i

drive because i need

to that that i’m like

what have i been doing for ten minutes

did i kill anybody

where am i weird feeling yeah

alive you you have no idea how you’re taking this

right turn right you’re in the middle of the

right turn going whoa i’ve done

everything correct right

yeah i think

maybe maybe i didn’t

of course you did

otherwise you would have woken up out of your

trance maybe but it’s good it

was autopilot right

if you do a

route over and over and over and over and over

again like that man you really

can go on autopilot that i don’t mind but it’s the

stuff where you can’t go on autopilot

cause i feel like in la you can’t

cause people

who strive so

aggressively all the time

you have to be on

to be defensive to like some

continent too many

humans volkswagen

so much different when i

lived in boulder people

drove so much nicer

so much more polite it was

a big big big difference to the

point where when i came back when i was doing i was

going back and forth when i was over there for two

months then i came back

and i was like whoa this is crazy

like you really

wrap your head around how fucking fast everybody’s

going everybody’s trying to

take that right turn on red even

when someone’s coming they just fucking gun the gas

and i was like whoa what is that saving you two

seconds what the fuck is going on

whereas in boulder there

was like none of that everybody was waving in everybody

and everybody was driving straight

that’s what

i like to do if like someone like cuts me off really

aggressively like to pull up next to him just be like

hey hey hey how you doing like i’m

fucking crazy

how’s it going hey

brandi’s gonna

rear end brandy

brandy the singer

what how dare you she got

shot somebody

she no she did she fucking killed somebody yeah she’s

that’s why i do not get it all if you’re

rich and famous like that

and you’re like you’re

gonna go out and be crazy

why not just

get someone to do

the first thing

i do is like

paris hilton

should never be driving why

would you well i

think a lot

of them are real private and they don’t want anybody

to be in their life like that all the time well

you hire a hot

chick to be your driver

they don’t want

their freedom to be

taken away they want to be able to just i want to

leave right now

you know and get your car and go you don’t

want but you could

have their freedom

twenty four hours

you could but you

gotta plan it out you know they like having a car

but i’m totally in

agreement with you yeah

i think there’s like

an illusion of freedom with

car it just happens

what she did is a fuck up

could happen to anybody

could have brandy

party yeah it wasn’t yeah it’s


that’s like the

worst person ever to happen to

i guess i’m

thinking more like paracel lindsay

lohan types like why

they are driving at all all coped up because they’re

partying man

but they’re

getting the free gone

right but lindsay lohan

it keeps causing herself problems all if

she just call it

problems i call it


okay let’s be real

about this it’s

not that big of a problem she’s not living in liberia

fighting off cannibals right well

this one thing they

should have done with her is you know

everyone has a theory i’ll fix her

this is the this is the best day they

could have done because

i was la county

problem right so she goes

talking about this i

gotta piss okay

she goes it’s la county

problem so she goes to la

county court

system what they

should have done it

should have mandated her to be

the public spokesperson for metro

for los angeles

metro make her take the fucking bus

that’ll be like the best

sentence for her

you just force her

take the bus

she’s got a

bunch of bodyguards whatever she has to take the bus

and you can get around fine on public

transit in los angeles people do it and almost

be fun to try to get on the same bus as lindsay lohan

that will be such a

great thing for

metro because they need

all the positive

stuff they can get because they’re just

like vilified constantly

you know as they

should be kind of but

and it would also be like the perfect

punishment fits the

crime kind of

thing for her

absolutely so but

why they didn’t you

know no one ever

thinks to do something actually insightful as far as a

punishment goes because it’s

yeah i want

to try my shot at dating lindsay

lohan i think i

think it would be one of

those fixer

uppers you know probably a little bit harder

than the most normal girl yeah it just seems like

that she definitely does not have a normal that

probably does not

well she’s lesbian now that’s why

we’ve already we’ve already

talked about how you can’t fix a man

wait who’s a lesbian

yeah she was

she’s not like a well she’s not a hundred percent

lesbian but

she was dating

sam samantha

for a long time

she’s a mark good dj

why do we care what’s

wrong with us

because she’s a

good dj and her brothers are good musicians

she’s actually respectable i’d say

she picked a good

lesbian yeah

but i feel like that’s most people who

is a lesbian because

like whoever gives you

the most attention what’s that she met a

bunch of douchebag kids

that and like

if you meet

she probably met some

lesbian who

did the mind meld

and like you know you are mine

kind of thing hmm

speaking of

lesbians yeah

what about him

i don’t know they’re awesome

brian’s a big fan of them

yeah lesbians

are attracted to me

well he’s the next step in the evolutionary

chain you know it goes monkey to man

brian somewhere in there

oh man i get mistaken for lesbian

so i guess i’m higher

more involved do you i’m attracted to you

i bet you could pull that shit off

yeah i feel like i

could pull it off too well which is be like

well today anybody can have

you ever seen that male porn star that used to be a

chick i think

his name is joe buck

have you ever

seen it it’s really

crazy because i

guess he takes a

bunch of testosterone

takes a bunch of testosterone

excuse me and he’s altered his body

and his shape

go look it up real quick

look go to google google that shit

right now because

you need to see it because it’s really strange

why did you find out

about this it was the

wolves and they’re like i’m hornet i need

it’s not joe buck joe buck is a

sports guy okay so wrong

joe buck is you are you are you are

a cowboy that’s john what’s joe buck wasn’t yeah

hbo guy he’s um like a espn hbo type

guy it’s not him it’s another one well now he’s gonna

joe rogan you called me a


well i had a thing with this fucking male or

mma reporter recently

yeah that’s retarded

what do you mean well

there was a good comeback by the way that’s a douchebag

i’m sorry take that out and make it a cocksucker

i call him a faculty

the guy’s an asshole and

this is my deal with the guy

i don’t even need to say this guy’s

name but what this guy does is he goes and he works for

various websites and critiques

mixed martial artists

guys who are fighting

these tournaments and he says a lot of really fucking

stupid mean shit

like just just dumb

insensitive and incorrect

and he does it all the time and i

would read it and it

would drive me

crazy because i know that this is a person who is

for sure has

never fought and competed because if they did they’d

have more respect for the people that are competing

he’s so he shits on the

fighters or oh yeah yeah yeah

i’ll read you some of the dumb shit

that he says because he says a lot of really i don’t

understand that

it’s like that’s like people who talk shit

about about

like soldiers and stuff

well you know you

say that i can

understand you know

thinking that war is

wrong and you can

people yeah but that’s different than

talking about soldiers

i think that westboro

baptist church the pickets soldiers

oh yeah god hates facts the god hates

right i mean

there’s like a

so this guy

i got upset with this guy

because this is one of the

things that happened was he criticized me about

a technique a martial arts technique

there’s a bunch of different names

for this technique and one of them is the right one

well he’s on a practitioner of martial arts so he only

knows one name for this technique so he criticized me

and he said i was clueless

which is so i got

annoyed and i

wrote that this guy’s a dumb cunt and

this is exactly what it’s called

and before it was ever that

it was something else so this is just my response to it

and then i start

going over some of

this guy’s articles and all the shit that he’s written

about other

fighters and i

start reading some of the shit that he

wrote and there’s more

it’s always negative

cunty shit he did it

about this guy sean mccorkle and did it

about this guy jake shields

so then i go to his

fucking his twitter and it’s all just negative

negative negative

it looks like

i have no ideas no

photos of him online are you serious no

photos how is

that possible he’s just around balls he probably knows

he knows that uh

you know he

doesn’t want to put it out there because he knows he’s

gonna just get it

so i just go off on this guy and i call him a faggot

so after i call him a faggot

he makes this post

saying that i used a

homophobic slur

and this is

my favorite part

about it that i needed to apologize to

it was like a

weird quote

it wasn’t just

the lesbian was like

lesbian gay lbg sexual

transgender and queer

oh wow queers in

their tier queers and

very informed with all these

well it’s just

weird that the

first of all

if that’s a real acronym is it an acronym if it

doesn’t say a word

um i don’t know

right i think

it is yeah i

think it is

right if it’s a

bunch of letters like cia

it’s not you don’t say

sia yeah it’s

still an act

it’s like nasa

stands for a national economic

space administration nasa

but a cia it’s not

you just say you have to say the letters i think

it’s still an

acronym though is it yeah

okay well anyway

so he makes this ridiculous

thing that you know

completely dodging the fact that he was

absolutely incorrect

all these people

told him that is the correct name for this and the k1

expert the guy who does k1 kickboxing

michael sievella

he jumps on the thread and he does all this

all this guy’s doing is

rallying on the fact that i called him a faggot

you know that i’ve said this hurtful thing

so you know and

we’ve had this conversation

so many fucking times and i see everyone’s point

i see you say well it’s a

homophobic slur

and you shouldn’t say it i get that i get that

but isn’t intent what’s supposed to be important

about words

absolutely yeah

isn’t that when you it totally is

you know he’s knows i’m not

calling him a homosexual i’m calling him a fact well

maybe i’ll know

you probably were in that term though because i

wasn’t though because

there’s nothing

wrong with gay people yeah

no problem with actual gay people that word has

changed so much not to being

yeah it’s not even a bad word

for gay people anymore is it because well

it is a faggot

it’s a sensitive

topic right now gay used to be fun and grand

and we’ll have a gay old time

that’s the fucking flintstones man

now gay is but is gay

is homosexual well even

even the word gay

just barely means

i almost never hear someone say

something is gay when they’re talking about

someone oh that that

that coffee pots gay they don’t

mean that coffee pot is fucking just sucks coffee pot

they mean it’s like

stupid or boring or dumb what

great gets me when it’s really

gross is this artificial outrage

yeah you know that you’re gonna

press this button and now you’ve got a magic gift

a magic gift

you left behind the sack and i pick it’s like the

world of warcraft

he said faggot oh

look what i’ve got

right i’ve got a new

trick and i’m

gonna make a big deal you

should apologize

cause you use the magic

you know somehow or another it changes what happened

because you’ve

said this word now you’re an insensitive person yeah

you know this fucking hot button word like dad

dad he called me a faggot

like he’s changing the

whole argument instead

of it being he’s an incompetent idiot

who doesn’t really know anything

about martial arts and is inherently negative and

everything he says is

basically like he grabs the thesaurus

tries to sound intelligent

says a bunch of

stupid shit

and just wrong over and over and over and over

again i mean i can fucking tell you

these all these

i mean it’s

if you go to

the joe rogan

net forums the message

board there’s a thread

and the threads entitled

in the combat

sports forum

official thomas

rios thread of incompetence and debauchery

and douchery rather

it’s amazing because it’s over and over

again this guy being an asshole and being wrong

being an asshole and being wrong

this is the sad

state of mma

today the journalists in

mma are so bad

there’s like a few

standouts and a

bunch of loudmouth

contrarian douchebags that’s the case of

journalism in general i feel like i feel like no one

there’s maybe

three actual


doing anything

i wanna say

three there’s a lot

i know what

you’re saying though

i know what you’re

saying everyone’s a reporter no one’s a journalist

and everyone’s trying to

get attention

on themselves not

based on their merits

but based on being an asshole

there’s a guy

that i respect very much his name is

ariel alwani and he’s a

journalist he’s a

great guy too and

every time he interviews someone

it’s a really

intelligent well thought out interview he’s

never negative he’s always positive

and he’s a universally

loved reporter because of this

if he was a writer it

would be the same goddamn

thing he would be universally loved

there’s guys like that that get

their attention that way and there’s guys like this

so i decided to go

after this guy

so i decided to do shit all over him and i wrote a

response to his

being upset that i said faggot

and i said i apologize and i understand

that even though

i love that word people can view it the wrong way

so please replace the word faggot

with cocksucker okay

what the fuck man

love that one

this is the dumb game we’re playing

it’s the word he said the

magic word you can’t

say you know what i mean


you know stop

playing stop pretending i’m shitting on all

these gay people because

i love gay people i have no problem with gay people

i don’t like

douchebags i don’t like assholes i don’t like cunts

you know you want to call them faggots whatever

you want to call them you know what i’m talking about

i’m not talking about

a negative name for homosexual people and

we are getting

tied up in fucking pc

bullshit in this country

we are appeasing people who are pretending to be hurt

and you know why

because life’s too fucking soft

that’s why because

food is easy you can go to burger king or the fucking


you don’t have to go hunt it

so we’re raising a

bunch of pussies and faggots

and it has nothing to do with gay

it has to do with people being weak dumb bitches

soft and looking for an easy way out

and i’m gonna win the lottery and i’m gonna

ooh you said that now i win ooh

just a bunch of

weird bitches just looking for tricks

and it’s a huge problem we have with this country

and it should not be in the craziest

most pure and real

sport in the

world this sport

mixed martial arts should be

about honor

it should be about

two dudes given

their all and risking

everything putting it all on the line and they

should be treated with respect

there’s going to be ones that aren’t as good as

others there’s

going to be people that try and fail

and maybe they’ll

learn and maybe they won’t

maybe other people will

learn from their mistakes

and that’s their contribution to the

sport but you have to respect and honor

every single one of them

and for some fucking anonymous cunt

some shithead

to be just sitting behind a computer just

on these guys left and

right and left and right

it’s disgusting

and you can do one or two

things you can do nothing

or you can do to him

what he does to

other people and make him feel it

so that’s what i decided to do

i don’t really give a fuck

about this guy

if this guy got hit in the head by a meteor it

wouldn’t change my pulse

i don’t give a fuck

but i think that

things like this

should be you

should point out

things like this

being an a positive person is a really important

thing being nice to people as much as possible

is a really important

thing but another important thing is

cutting assholes off at the root

stopping them

yeah you have

to call people out on something yes you have to because

by not creating

this negativity and dealing with douchebags you you

allow more negativity somebody has to do something

i mean the reason

why hitler didn’t take over the world is

cause someone fucking stepped up and did something

or groups of people stepped up and did something

whenever someone’s

and i’m not comparing this due to hitler

you grandiose douchebag are you oh

what are you the

beach at normandy

you fucking

storming like hitler

i hear that

obama i hear that

obama is like hitler isn’t it

of course he’s black bro

don’t you follow the tea party song

you are a white

boy you know the handshake

obama’s hillary’s also

mussolini with what’s yours indonesian

he’s a canyon

he’s a communist

indonesian stalin

worshipper i forgot about that

yeah is there ever gonna be a president we love

again is there ever gonna be

anyway cause everybody wanted

me to address this that’s what i had address this

i don’t really

give a fuck what that guy does i don’t faggotry my

brian says that that’s my i

think that words hurtful

what’s important in this life is that

you get checked

every now and then you know

when someone said this in one of the threads on the

mixed martial arts form

they said on

mixed martial

arts com they said this dude needs his ass kicked

and when you get your ass kicked at some

point in your life

that really

beats the douche out of you and a lot of people have

never gotten

their ass kicked and this guy

clearly has

a humbling experience

yeah he’s just being an asshole over and over and over

again sport

doesn’t need that shit man you know if you want to

bring that to

fucking problems

or whatever that this sport like

it’s like a magnet to that attitude well

it’s because

there’s a lot of people that are involved in this

sport that don’t train

that’s what it is they’re not

most people

probably though a lot

lot a lot do you know

you know but a lot don’t and the ones that don’t well

even the ones

that don’t a lot of the ones that don’t are really cool

they just appreciate the

effort and they love the

sport they love to follow it and they

do they want to be a part of it

there’s a lot but

there’s a lot of them that are just cunts

you know and

they need to be outed

you know you need to let them know hey this is not cool

no you shouldn’t be hiring cunts

no you shouldn’t be letting cunts

spread their bullshit if they want to develop

their own shit and

start their own website

there’s nothing you do i’m not saying you

should stop that

but what i’m

saying is you shouldn’t be fucking paying cunts

money faggot

so yeah there’s a really good

south park episode surprisingly enough

about about the word faggot

would faggot

heard about that is like bikers or something yeah it’s

very you know as usual

those guys hit the nail on the head

very accurate

about it but it’s

it breaks it down to where

all the kids are calling

these bikers

like these you know loud

hells angel type

how they do

you know harley harley drivers

riders but calling faggots

and like i was getting up in arms because they’re

using that word

you know like

they’re like you can’t say that

about gay people like

what we never say anything

about gay people we’re talking about

these assholes on the

motorcycles they’re faggots

like what do you mean what do you mean

and it’s like it’s so accurate because it’s like these

you know they’re children they’re like

we don’t have a problem with gay people

right it’s probably

these guys playing

these driving

their loud ass


through like next to our

school it’s

magic words you know

look it’s anytime

you have any

hateful feeling towards anyone for no reason

other than the fact that they’re part of a

group that’s not you

whether it’s

black or gay or

woman or whatever the fuck it is

there’s something

wrong with that

absolutely inherently there’s something

wrong with that

but it needs to be

about intent it can’t be

about hot button

magic words it needs to be about

what i mean it can’t

be one word that means something that’s dehumanizing

can’t be you know because that’s

silly you can’t

allow a word to be that

powerful it’s

like a landmine or something it’s like look

but like no one’s

ashamed of being straight

right i don’t know anyone that’s a shame

i’m sure there must be someone but you know


there’s one

crazy dude i wish it was good must be

i’m sure if you can think

about it right

but then you

would probably be gay if you thought that

right but what i’m saying is people are comfortable

with being gay because they’re not persecuted

or with being straight because they’re not persecuted

it should be exactly the same with gay people

it should be that they’re so comfortable

with being gay that

if gay people came out with

a slang term for straight people

of gay people came out with a derogatory term

like you fucking

breeder yeah

breeders are close

to something

where people

would feel like god i can’t believe you called me that

there’s nothing it

doesn’t exist it can’t happen

it should be exactly the same

with gay people

it should be

you call a gay guy a faggot and he’s like what are you

are you you

really you’re making fun of me because i like guys

yeah i like guys who gives a fuck what’s

wrong with you

like what’s

wrong with you

stupid and that’s how people

would feel someone called you a breeder

it should be even that’s that’s the real answer

the real answer is not stop

magic words

the real answer is everybody

should be the fucking same you

should be able to call everyone a faggot

it shouldn’t mean anything

it shouldn’t be

magic words

nigger shouldn’t be a

magic word cunt shouldn’t be a

magic word faggot

shouldn’t be a

magic word it’s nonsense

you should be able to bring

those up freely in meetings and business meetings yeah

right the more you say it the less

power that the

world has so

i had a business meeting yesterday

about my t shirts i got this

clothing line called higher

prime and clothing dot com

and the guys who are the artist that are

behind it they’re all

these fucking really cool

artist dudes with

crazy tattoos and

it’s a business

meeting and it was like cotton fuck and it was all

i saw this on the internet and i saw that and i said

this dude said he

sent this guy is like one of the head guys over there

he tells me he sent one guy one cup of you ever

watch that one guy

one guy one cup one guy

one jar be one guy one jar i’m glad i

haven’t seen that he squats over

a glass jar

and it goes inside of his body and

breaks in his anus

and it comes out in bloody

chunks yes he

shoves it into his you

wanna watch it

right now i don’t i

think the description

is this guy

this is how

crazy this guy is this is my business meeting i had

he goes so i sent it to my mom saying here’s some new

pictures of your grandson

no way yeah

awesome i sent it to my mom saying here’s my kid

check it out

some people just

have so then he goes and then

she calls him up you’re sick she’s a

crazy christian lady apparently

he’s like you’re sick and you’re

going to hell you’re

going to hell he goes

wow i just said okay i’m sorry i’m

sorry i just have to ask one thing

did you watch the

whole thing

of course i did yeah she said that he goes well

guess what you’re

going to hell

too you knew what the fuck you were doing you

could have shut that off you

watched the

whole thing

yeah but that’s how it

should be man it

should be this fucking formal fake world

you know part of the reason why

so many people got fucked over in

the financial crisis

and so many people like put

trust into this imaginary fucking

stock market

and financial system

non existent

because it seems like it’s all official

and everyone’s buttoned down and everyone’s

dressed the

right way and they’re wearing

ties and wearing business suits and they

wouldn’t fuck me over

they show up in

their leather

briefcase and

they look official and they’re doing all the right

things they’re not saying all the bad words

because i wouldn’t trust my

money to one of

those fellas yeah if you say

yeah if you walked in saying

cunt faggot nigger

you know and that’s the name of

hi welcome to our

this is our bond company it’s called cunt faggot nigger

and we’re here to take your shit

and we’re gonna make a lot of

money come on let’s do this woo you

ready dude give me a high five

like this guy shaky i don’t

trust with my money

you know he has to be like

super reserved

slick button down predetermined

patterns of behavior

easily predictable he’s a gentleman

he has a fucking

scarf in his pocket you know the whole deal

it seems like politicians the same

thing where you can’t be

if you fall outside that mode of politician you’re a

whack he’s a wacko

he’s a loon

like ron paul yeah

people think

ron paul is

absolutely crazy when the guy

has written he knows more

about economic policy than any person sitting on

any congressman

there’s a very when you ever

think that just because people

think someone’s crazy that

it’s a good

thing that you

should pay attention

watch there’s

videos of hitler

and it’s back before

world war two

erupted where he was talking

about requests from i

guess it was the united nations at the time

was asking him not to invade certain

countries as nazis

and he starts listing off the names of the

countries like he

thinks it’s a joke

he says one and then he

pauses and then he says and this one it’s all in german

he’s saying belgium

and france and this and they

start laughing

their fucking

asses off they

think it’s so

funny because

he’s making a joke out of the

fact that they didn’t just ask him to not invade france

they ask him to not invade all

these other

places because they

think we’re

gonna do it

and everybody starts

laughing you know

that’s how fucking

crazy people can be yeah you can never

think that just because the masses

think it’s funny that it makes sense

you know that the masses are

going along with it that it makes

sense most people are fucking crazy

the reason why society works

at all i mean the fact that society works at all is

amazing magic

trick it’s incredible

it’s amazing

when you think

about how fucked up most people are

you know most people

but yet somehow or another all together we create this

magically complicated

society where

people get in fucking

metal tubes and fly all around the world and

land into these

electronic jungles of

lights and it’s amazing it all works the way it does

because if it was for most people i mean it’s just

a tiny fraction of the

population it’s keeping the technological level

at the level that

it is today

most people are in the

stone age practically

yeah a ton of them

well we would be too

we all are a part of this

thing that’s been created

by other people

before us i mean this is all shit from my last special

but i did a joke

about it where i said

if i left you

alone in the woods with a hatchet

how long before you

could send me an email yeah

probably never yeah

we don’t know how any

of this shit works we just use it and we

turn it on that’s why i really feel like this at some

point people can

start getting information sickness that whole

possible idea that

you know your

brain won’t be

able to cope with the

how fast technologies advancing

imagine what it’s

gonna be like

right now exactly imagine what it’s

gonna be like like a few

just a few hundred years from now when they

talk about if there are people left yeah

if they talk

about this age

this is the

age of change this is the really big change this

should breakneck

change because

things are happening faster this

technology is

changing faster than the humans who

consume it can absorb it

yeah you remember when you were a kid when they

started talking

about the days of the teletype they were

like whoa they figured that out they figured out how to

go t d d d d morse code and shit and send

sounds through the water and

that’s weird

cause i have younger

two younger

sisters and one of them is

you know she’s i

guess about

ten years younger than marymore

and so she grew up

with the internet

which she was like you know

since she could remember

but i i learned

about the internet you know kind of after

like midway through high school

started doing

stuff with it but then

it came like a big

thing in college so was like i didn’t

learn about it i didn’t grow up with it

and like the

the years that matter

so it’s not like ingrained in my

it’s not ingrained in me but they’re

gonna be so much

smarter than us yeah

but they’re

smart it’s like a different sort of

thing it’s like they know

one thing well there’s also all this

stuff they just can’t they just can’t do like there’s

other things like

anything that takes like a long

amount of attention or like

anything it takes

anything outside the computer

world is difficult

difficult yeah

chopping wood yeah

coming up with the impetus to build a house right

it’s almost impossible yeah

it’s yeah it’s weird right fuck

things are changing fast man this is the

first generation we’ve had that’s been all

on the online since

for growing up online so my two year old she’s two

and a half years old she knows how to find her favorite

movies on itunes

yeah it’s incredible it’s okay that’s awesome

that’s kinda

creepy it’s

crazy it’s crazy

she sees icons she recognizes

characters and you know she likes beauty and the

beast she goes oh it’s

belle it’s belle she

clicks on shit and

she sees the little play

arrow she knows what that is she hits play right wow

this is nuts man she’s already

tuned in she needs a

mouse probably

right she can use a

mouse in the keyboard

yeah well most yeah she knows how to use a

trackpad too

she doesn’t use a

trackpad she’s two and a half

that’s crazy

yeah it’s like a

disconnect it doesn’t

doesn’t make

sense it really

should make any

sense that’s

weird so weird she knows how to

scroll through an iphone

she scrolls

songs and shit with her fingers i’ve

never seen that before

that would be

crazy it’s bizarre

she scrolls through looking for her favorite games

she like picks up the iphone she’s

scrolling through and it’s as big as her head

she’s fucking two

and she’s like looking oh and then she

clicks on it

and then her

little game

starts playing then she

turns it up she’s playing a game like this is anything

else man i’m not

gonna talk to people in ten years if like that

there’s gonna be like

such a massive

disconnect from people who

there might not be people in ten years

there might not

there might be

might choose spooky music

we might have

a place where

the conette

now this is the end of the show ladies and gentlemen

this bitch went two and a half hours

all right we did it

johnny pemberton is a bad motherfucker and you

should follow him on twitter

folks because he wants to be amazed

how many new people he gets today

watch this new show the show is on

thursdays at 11 p m on mtv

mega drive mega

drive and is on what time

thursday 11 p m thursday 11 p m

you gotta watch it i think

can you give us a preview what happens this week

this week well i think it’s thanksgiving so we’re off

okay but the next week i am riding in that crazy

swamp rocket in florida

oh i’m tuned into

that one i think it’s the yard the

crane the crazy all terrain train

crane that is crane crane yeah

and yeah i think

i mean you can see i’ll have post there’s a

ton of extra footage

and update tools you can see on my website or and

what’s your facebook address just my name just johnny

pemberton p e m b e

r t o n that’s j o h n n y

p e m b e r

t o n and he’s

that’s johnny pemberton on twitter so it’s

you know how to do

it bitch you know how to do it you’re not

stupid i’m not

gonna fucking call you like a baby it’s a whole one

thank you everybody in detroit

like i said we had a

great fucking time

thank you johnny for coming over here

thank you brian

thank you flashlight

thank you flashlight yes

thank you flashlight for

sponsoring our podcast and

if you never fuck one of

those you don’t know what you’re missing

that’s my fucking

standard thing that i say but it

is true it’s an excellent masturbation tool and my new

flashlight bit is killing them son

i got a new bit

it’s getting longer and longer every week

we may do one of

these bitches

tomorrow i know i lied to you last week and i said we

might do it

again but i got busy last week i had to do a show

and johnny pemberton and i are

gonna do a show tomorrow

night at the improv

at comedy juice 10 pm improv

on melrose all

right that’s it that’s the end of our show

thank you very much as always i love you bitches

stay positive

keep it together

follow the correct path

you can do it

you are not you of yesterday

you are the product of your

learning and your

experiences and what you know you can be

yes i agree bye faggots johnny bye bye bye cunts

that’s gonna leave a mark

the bracket for the day to come

techno logic yeah techno logic yeah techno logic yeah

techno logic

take my logic let’s go get a cool logic

game over

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