the joe rogan experience
double rainbow
yes and a kind of hello
if you fly no i go
what’s up bitches
my friend jason tebow’s all up in this
bitch what’s up everybody
said what’s up bitches
i’ll take your bitch i’ll
be redundant with my bitches
ladies and gentlemen i retired the word faggot
from my vernacular
sorry to hear that i gave it up
i gave it up in
light of this most recent controversy
where i call this guy faggot not meaning anything
derogatory towards
homosexuals but
you know there’s this
the thought behind saying something like that as well
what’s important is not the words on a
magic word it’s your intent
and that should be important but when
there’s a word that confuses a lot of
people and pisses people off and that’s not your intent
then really racially and
logically you have
to kind of accept that you have an ineffective word
that word’s not that good that word
means too many different
things it means
to some people it means you hate gay people
and that is the
furthest possible
thing from the
truth i have
absolutely zero problem
with gay people i have no problem with it i don’t
think there’s anything
wrong with it
i’ve met a ton of cool gay people
and i grew up
in san francisco when i was a little kid from
ages 7 to 11
i was constantly
around gay people my next door neighbors were
these gay guys that my aunt used to go over and
smoke weed with this
big gay fucking
scary muscular
black guy with a shaved head
and his weird
white friend and
these dudes
would blaze out with my aunt they
would all get high and naked
what years with you
this is shit it was a long time ago
cause i’m old as fuck
um i guess i was
seven between age
seven to eleven we
lived there so that was like
somewhere in the nineteen
seventies right
right right
it was like
right when the vietnam war was ending it was like
super hippie time in san francisco and that’s where we
lived and we were just constantly around gay people
and i remember when i was a kid i was like
i guess i was like
11 12 when we
moved from san francisco to florida
and it was a totally different ball game
you could not get
culturally more of a 180
from san francisco
which is like the most open minded
place on earth
especially in the 1970s
too yeah to living in gainesville
florida with alligators and shit and rednecks
right and there’s this cuban
dude i i hung out with this kid his name was
candy and he was a boy and his name was
candy his name was candy yeah
candido yeah
candy sweet
candy i think
candy oliver
i think that was his last name
and his dad was like
super homophobic
and his dad was reading the
paper and he’s
going can you fucking believe this shit
like throws a
paper down a
table i’ll never forget this
i was like wow what is
going on like i had just been
aware of war
and that war
ended i was like real cognizant
that there was some fucked up shit
going on in the world
like you know i had you when you were like seven or
eight and someone
tries to sit down
and explain to you war
that there’s some people like why are
these people protesting i remember asking
my stepfather
and he had to
break this whole
thing down to me that
there’s a conflict
going on and
these people don’t
wanna have to go over there and kill people
and i was like whoa what
like we go over
they take you and they make you go somewhere
and kill people
and you don’t even have to agree
war is unfathomable that’s
the children not just unfathomable but the idea of the
draft and being forced into doing that
slavery it’s nothing but
slavery for a military
industrial complex i mean that’s really what it is
so i was freaked out about
everything back then i was just
starting to
i was very unstable
for a young kid
when you’re a kid you don’t even like to be told to
clean your room that’s
the that’s but let
alone being told so
anyway so this guy
freaks out i can’t fucking believe this shit he
throws the thing down i’m like fuck we’re
going to war
again we’re
going to war this is what i’m thinking
and he goes
these fucking fags want to get married
and i remember going what
no way i’m like i’ve
clearly i’ve heard that
there’s been
i didn’t even
think that i thought it was
clearly a mistake
there’s no way because i didn’t know any
adults like this when i
lived in san francisco like i said my neighbors were
these weird gay guys and my dad’s friends were all
architects and computer programmers they were all
really pretty
smart people so i’d never
heard anybody that gave a fuck
about some people
people getting
married that they don’t even know
but this guy was like really serious
about it and it was
a really important
moment for me as like an eleven year old
cause i realized there’s the
levels of adults
right there’s some people that are just
adults but they
think like children they
are completely
ignorant totally and even though they’re
adults even though they have kids of
their own they’re
still idiots
i remember that being a big important moment
and that moment was because this guy was
homophobic and i thought that was the most
ridiculous thing ever
so by me conveying
any homophobic
you know any
any not intent but
people receiving that and getting that message that i’m
homophobic cause i call somebody a faggot
it doesn’t mean that with straight guys but it
doesn’t matter if it
doesn’t mean that the reality
is if it’s making that many people pissed off and upset
and it’s making them
think that you care
about their
sexual preference
i at a point
in time i was like why am i attached this fucking word
like am i just stubborn
like what i mean it’s fun to say it
is fun to say but why is it fun to say it’s fun to say
cause you’re not really supposed to say it
same reason fig newtons
are nice to say it just
sounds good
right faggot yeah but
i just decided
from all this that it was an ineffective word
and then i didn’t want to be hurting anybody’s
feelings for no reason at all i’m hurting absolutely
wrong people’s feelings like i don’t care at all
about the fact that they’re gay and if that hurts
their feelings if it’s just this one word
it’s enough who gives a shit
but isn’t it something just more
about somebody
just being way too sensitive yes it is like it is
like sensitive straight
people and sensitive gay people i
know a lot of gay
people you say the faggot in
front of them
they don’t give a shit oh yeah
absolutely and i for sure and true but
it’s not like they’re saying don’t
swear at all
you know what i’m saying
it’s not like they’re saying
you don’t call people cunts or douchebags or what any
other word that means exactly the same
thing you know you call some guy a faggot like
these guys being a faggot
what do you mean he’s being a douchebag
it’s really the
exact same intent yeah but if somebody’s a
negative thing
going on somebody
says lard ass in
front of me or fat so i won’t get a but that’s
descriptive
that’s descriptive yeah
so is faggots but it’s not it’s not it’s confused
it has an ambivalent
sort of meaning now
there’s a lot of people it
could mean pussy it
could mean you know
it’s too confusing
and you know
louis ck has a
great bit about it
where he kind of defends his use of it and
every comic friend i know says it and ari
and joey when they
got me my birthday cake for my 40th birthday it says
happy birthday faggot
that’s on my birthday
cake cause we call each
other faggots all the time it’s like
you know like someone
brian might call me and go
hello faggot
just out of nowhere that’s actually
the better one
that i usually they say
it’s just like
when we talk
it’s like fun you know it’s like we’re children
everyone in our
group one of the
things that
binds us all together is we’re all very juvenile
you know joey is the oldest one and he
might be the youngest one you know i call my
flashlight a faggot
all the time
for obvious
reasons faggot
flashlight from
flashlight com
if my dog was doing something
stupid like
sniffing some fucking coyote shit i
might get out of there faggot
right yeah say that to him
i don’t mean my dog’s gay for coyote dick
right you’re
gonna have a lot of dog so
dog but it’s too good for
confusing a word
you know i just decided it’s not
worth it is it been a big deal like
i mean have you been getting a lot of
bad stuff from just
well most people support me on it it’s a strange
thing to because
some people support me
and they’ll support you like fuck all
those fucking fags they can’t fucking deal with it
you know keep that shit out of our face
yeah that’s the
wrong kind of
support you
know yeah you’re not helping me on my side dude
you’re not helping the
cause faggot
why do you care if they want to
go suck cocks we want to suck cock from guys who like
their cock sock
go get some who gives a shit
could you imagine
if that was you if all of a sudden all
these gay people were telling you you had to be gay
but you know
or just complaining
about the type of
chicks that i was
sleeping with
so it’s a problem and the whole the
homophobia is a real problem it’s
no it’s the same
exact thing as any douchiness
it’s just racism or
sexism or guys who want to roofie
chicks and fucking
you know and rape them
while they’re sleeping
oh yeah it’s all the same
thing it’s groups that hate
other groups
and it’s just fucking and it’s such a new it’s like
even though it’s old like homosexuality
super old and like
you know very similar to you like i grew up in a very
liberal environment
my mother’s
lesbian i was raised by
lesbians growing up she’s
saying what’s that like let’s talk
let’s let’s do
about that so but it’s like mom’s a faggot
i know i know
don’t listen mom
but you know very similar to you like
you know i grew up in like the chicago area but in like
you know early
eighties like
lesbians in the midwest were
slightly less rare than
leprechauns as far as you know you you
would know it
it’s it wasn’t
as out as it is now it wasn’t socially acceptable you
pretty much had to keep it
under tight wraps
or live in san francisco or chicago or really open area
you left that area in chicago
was pretty man
goes tricky no
it’s you know
the line in the sands pretty
clear but you
could be more out then i mean the gay
pride parade in chicago’s like the
second biggest one to san francisco i
think of what i
think of liberal cities i just
think of new york and now and
san francisco
i mean i guess la yeah
right la is pretty open but i mean
as far as the
whole midwest goes that’s it you know it’s not
saint louis anything else i mean chicago’s like
if you’re gonna be
stuck in the
midwest that’s your only hope of any sort of like
liberal upbringing or
you know not being bombarded but
so then when i went to college i went to
school in the midwest
like southern indiana central indiana and i actually
would meet people i met a guy who was like
i never saw a real live
black person till i
wrestled one in high
school ha ha
dude that’s a direct
quote from this guy lonnie
belvo and i was just shit dude and i was just like get
that you net
first of all a real live
black person
like there’s some sort of like animals that are
like you know some
it’s like bigfoot or something to him but can
you imagine how intimidating that must have been like
there’s a real
black guy now he’s
gonna try to
you know take my back and shit you know i mean
like the first his
first meeting with a
black guy any
black person in his life was on a
wrestling match and he’s probably used to
those slow ass
white athletes
oh yeah he probably
dude on right he
yeah exactly
john jones motherfucker
exactly can move
right doesn’t mean make
sense how that
that guy moves it’s like why is he moving 10
better than everybody else he had neck bridge
and what’s going up with that how come he can
throw bodies around like
their little dolls
what’s going on with his body you remember
can we get him into a lab
we gotta duplicate this shit we
gotta get a petri dish and
scrape some cells off of this dude it’s like
after the match he’s
probably just like it was very nice meeting your kind
you know what
i mean it’s like do you guys remember your
first black person
my what do you guys remember your first
black person that you had sex with you
no i mean just
that’s totally what i thought he
meant no i knew
a lot of i don’t yeah i grew up you know like i grew up
my you know high
school graduating
class is like half
black half white like but it was no big deal
to me whatsoever but like growing as a kid like i
never really even
understood racism
that’s another
thing that i didn’t
understand until i
moved to florida and my mom
my mom and i actually got in an argument
about it cause my mom was
she was a good
person but when she raised me she was very young
you know she was
twenty when
she had me me too so she didn’t know shit she was a
dingbat a kid she was just a kid she
was a kid a kid
yeah so like she assumed i knew everything
right like i
didn’t know how people had as you did for her i did
not know how that people had sex and i did know how big
babies were born
until i was seven
she never told me shit
and then she goes you know
and i go i don’t know
i go i don’t know tell me tell me what it is you
literally have
to make fun of it
i go i’m just
gonna make fun of it tell me how people make
i had no fucking idea
and my mom i was in the car i remember this very
clearly 1970
barracuda i’m sitting in the back seat with my sister
and i go just tell me so she tells me
she goes the man
sticks his penis in the
woman’s vagina
i start fucking laughing
and she reaches back and hits me in the head for
laughing just like i knew it
i knew you were
i knew you’re just trying to make fun of it
i go i didn’t know i didn’t know what it meant it’s a
legitimate question that was
one time that happened and the
other time it happened
was we were in florida
cause some kid kept talking
about niggers
there was some kid in my
school that just kept talking
about niggers
like man we got problems here
these niggers are
moving in and
i was like what the fuck is this guy talking
about and i just
moved there so i didn’t
wanna ask questions you know i was
a shy eleven year old from san francisco all the
sudden i’m around alligators and shit
right you know and so i asked
my mom i said what is a nigger
and she’s like will you stop doing that
don’t make me talk
about things i don’t want to talk about
and i go i’m telling you i don’t know what it is
and she goes
it’s a bad word for
black people
and i was like whoa
right hold on like this dude is
claiming there’s some war
going on between
white people and
black people in his mind there
are is that really
going down out here like i was so
shocked that the environment
was so radically different
you know san francisco to florida was fucking
crazy had to be god damn
especially like
early eighties late
seventies oh
my god everybody
was so dumb
everybody was so dumb they were giving out
bibles in school
and i remember
strike one one kid
who would like be like all
super over enthusiastic
whenever anybody brought up religion because
he wanted to let everybody know that he loves the lord
and so we’re like i
guess like 11
and so they give
they give it a stack of
bibles and i take this
bible i’m like what am i doing with this shit
i already had been through catholic
school i went
to catholic
school for first grade
and i had this
horrible just
nasty evil nun
who just ruined my
whole idea of
what religion was all about
so they were handing
these books i was like this is just ridiculous
killer shit like what the fuck are you doing here
right and this is one dude he goes
i likes reading the
bible oh i’m so
happy i can’t
even wait to get home yeah i likes reading the bible
and i remember
thinking what if me and this dude were
the only two people on the planet this is my thought
at eleven years old looking at this kid screaming
holding it up in the air he was holding the bible
above his head
while i was yelling this
i was thinking what if it was just me and this dummy
and then we were the only people on
earth what i wanna live
well would i
wanna live if there’s the only guy i get to talk to
that’s what i thought of at eleven wow
probably not i likes reading the bible
never forget that dude’s voice
i just want
to pull him aside and go dude just come on man the kids
think about this the kids in
my neighborhood they used to call this
thing where they would
knock on the door and run they
would used to call it nigger knocking
and i didn’t know that
that was nigger
so one of my
times i was like in
front of the
class doing something i brought
up yeah so me and my friends like to go nigger knocking
under your interests of
things you like to do
oh no you did not
and i remember that i
still didn’t
realize that that was a bad word for some time
until one day i
kept on using that word
and oh my god my
mom was like
listen here this is a bad word
but then my
grandmother
would be like
oh i can’t believe they
still have colored cashiers at this
this you know all that she
would say the word
colored all the time i’m like
what’s that about
oh my goodness
i remember one time a
buddy of mine
a roommate of mine in college we were with his
grandmother really old
super super
racist from the
south woman
and they’re
watching tv i don’t remember what the fuck we’re
watching but
she goes hey look at the tv look at all
those people with that nigger
like it wasn’t even
a person it was like a totally different like a toy
and both of us were like whoa
dude your grandma
hate is like rich
super that’s like this racism
and then there’s like
super racism
yeah yeah that’s like hanging
racism totally like
without even thinking
about it you
see those creepy
creepy fucking
black and white
photos from the
south oh yeah they’re
terrible observing yeah yeah
black people are hanging the
white people just
turn around
looking at them
just stand around looking at him nobody
wasn’t that long ago joe
not that long
that was not those
same people are the same people that like
posed with dead deers now and like
like chopped off legs of deers and
that’s like the same kind of
photos is like i’m just went dead it’s only two
generations ago that’s only
it that’s only
watered down two
generations i
mean that’s scary
that’s you know forties fifties that shit was
going down sixties
shit still going down all over the
world you know there’s people that are
chopping people up for no reason all over the world
scary shit man how
about an africa
where they’re
going after albinos
for witchcraft
they’re using albino
witchcraft still a
blood and oh huge it’s a big
business in africa right
dude it’s terrifying there’s all
these documentaries
on witchcraft in africa and all
these guys who are
did they do exorcisms
people hack up
their own kids
because they get convinced that
their kid is
before we go any further our show is sponsored by the
flashlight just like to
bring that out
flashlight com if you go to joerogane
net and enter in the code
rogan from the link
you get fifteen percent off your
flashlight i
wanna get into the
flashlight a little bit once
again i’m so
happy that we have a
flashlight as a
sponsor now because i got a new bed it’s a fucking
monster it’s killing them
it’s hilarious killing them son
it’s all about the
flashlight we
gotta get into the i have many
flashlight questions coming up and soon but that was
that was a segway killer
there was a segway killer
where where do i
leave off you were talking
about the business
of witchcraft
oh yeah huge
business in africa it’s terrible
really terrible
these guys they’re just nothing but con man
they take these people and they convince
these people that
their kid has
a demon inside of them he’s a
demon inside him
i got to get it out and they they make the kid eat
awful shit and they take
you know they do all these
crazy rituals but
basically all they’re doing is just taking money from
these parents and they tell me you you have to give me
five thousand dollar
if i don’t have it he’s
going to hell
i mean they have just
these people just lose
their fucking
minds so it’s like you know
evangelism or
something yeah and you have guns
these guys have guns
by the way these exorcism guys they’re like
armed with ak 47s and shit they had a
thing that was like the top 10 most dangerous
countries to go to
africa by far
eight of them
were african
yeah eight of the
top 10 and then the
other two were like you know middle east
or right there
yeah i mean we’re all worried
about what’s
going on afghanistan
shit if those fucking some of
those people that are
those somali pirates
if they figured out how to get
planes and start flying to other
places or just nuclear
well they get
their hands on a nuclear bomb
one nuclear bomb the somali
pirates that situation is
crazy they attacked a us
warship this week
did you hear
about that yeah i did how
looked are they
they went after a goddamn us warship
and they were in a raft
dude that’s like they shot like rockets
the fucking you
they jacked everybody they arrested them and took
all their shit and
went after the
mothership and
sunk dad like
bitch they had a flex on people they sunk all
right right
and chase down there’s some other guys
apparently they couldn’t find them they took off
that goes to show you how goddamn big the
ocean is if the us
coast guard
or the us navy rather can’t find you
they got warships and they
can’t find you goddamn how big is this fucking ocean
but yeah these
crazy assholes
they fired on
these fucking people in a warship
dude that’s i mean that’s it happens a lot though
not just you
people you got to be
worried about
people that are desperate
so desperate they don’t care if they
die they don’t care you know how that all get started
they call themselves the people’s
coast guard of somalia
or the volunteer
coast guard of somalia
and what happened was the european
companies were dumping a lot of
toxic shit in the ocean
off the coast
near where they lived
and they were
just overfishing the fuck out of it
so they’re taking all these fish
dumping all the shit in the
water and then dumping all the shit in the
water now it kills all the fish
the water becomes
polluted they can’t make a living
and so they first
started kidnapping
these boats that were dumping shit
and what they were doing was taking these guys
and they were
bringing them and holding them for ransom because
they’re losing
money they can’t fish anymore
but then once
they got used to doing that and getting ransom money
they said let’s just
start jacking people
so then they
turned into
the somali pirates
where it’s like
a big business and they’re making millions of dollars
and they get
millions of dollars
every year and no
one knows exactly what to do with it and it’s not like
right near them they go
hundreds and hundreds of
miles out into the ocean
yeah that’s an impossible
thing to police
dude and they are loxters
they’re ready to die
yeah i mean that’s fuck
they like the gangsters of the sea
literally dude
everybody around them has been dying
it’s amazing they made it this long
the pressure of making this long wondering when you’re
gonna die is probably staggering
cause everything they’re around
is like people getting shot in the head and people
dying and them
shooting people and
12 year olds with fucking machine guns
gunning down people just for a
laugh i mean that’s africa all day
all day all day so
these crazy
motherfuckers
are out in rafts trying to take down a us warship
that’s ballsy that’s
like the barking chihuahua and like a dog park like
trying to take up a
right but i
mean look think
about this man
and nothing like that is
going down in afghanistan
no i mean we need to fucking concentrate on the really
crazy places
mexico and africa and korea
korea too yeah
we got a warship that’s heading to korea
right now yeah we just need to
clear that whole country down
south korea is awesome
don’t say that
yeah how dare you
koreans are up in arms right now
literally i grew up
literally in
constantly around
koreans yeah me too doing taekwondo i used to have to
teach class in korean
i didn’t really know
how to say it i just knew how to say some of the moves
and how to count i
could count to like ten in korean right
i don’t know how to do it anymore it’s like
hannah door
set net does
yours you’ll go you do i don’t remember how to do it
right though
i might be saying it all wrong
yeah you earned like
martial arts a long time
like korean someone
else taekwondo
taekwondo and then what you
i just wanted to go to korea
i always wanted to go in and compete there you just
enamored with martial
arts like when you were a kid that’s yeah well i
became obsessed with taekwondo when i was in high
school right
cause it was the
first thing i ever was i ever got good at
it was like for me it’s like my
whole life we
moved around a lot i didn’t have friends
that i didn’t have friends for any long period of time
cause we just kept moving so by the time i was in high
school i had no one
who was a friend
i just constantly had
moved so i was
super insecure
and i needed something to make me feel
worthwhile so i
started doing taekwondo and i got obsessed with it
plus i was small
too and i didn’t like the idea of people
picking on me and fucking with me
so i wanted to be able to beat the shit out of people
right the only way to do that is you
gotta learn some karate
you know it’s like in the
movies man right
right right
get some chuck norris love in my life and
kind of fucking figure out how to
fight this is bullshit i’m
tired of being scared
right it’s funny that like once you
start doing that that’s like
generally the last
thing you want to do is
right yeah the
nicest people
i know are fighters or
people who train
cause they don’t have to worry
first of all
they’re not insecure
about men are always
sizing each
other up and wondering what
would happen if we fought man i mean that guy just
fucking kick his ass
right i realize
they’re saying that they don’t even know what they
would do do you have a plan what are you
gonna do you gonna
hit him he’s
gonna run away you’re
gonna knock him out with the
first punch
like what if he fucking
dodges your
punch and comes back with a
counter and then
shoots for a double are you
ready for that
you have your spa
your spa ready
are you really
ready to fight
do you really even know what that means right no
most guys no
so they’re all
chest puffy
and talking all this shit it’s very
peacock feathers shit hoping to
talk people down
but people who
train and actually
fight they don’t have
to do that they don’t want to do that it’s a different
mentality the
human animal
is designed for conflict that is just a fact
we have hardware
from thousands of thousands of years ago
where you had to
fight off intruders and you had to kill your own
food and that’s a fact and the hardware that we have
today despite the fact that our life
is not like that anymore and
we have this complicated society that provides us with
supermarkets and traffic and
all this other
thing these
other things we
have to deal with the bottom line is that our body is
still the same fucking body
that has the same reward
system set up so it has all these
ghost needs
needs to crush
things needs
to kill that’s like a satisfaction needs to breathe
these are rewards that you get
from killing animals when you kill an animal and eat it
this primal reward
that’s designed to keep you
alive it’s very
similar to the same reward that you get when you fuck
and you have kids it feels good to fuck
because that’s a reward
system set up to make sure you fuck
right you know i mean it’s all
survival of the species yeah
we have this old ass hardware man
there’s no app for that
exactly and you
a lot of people have tension because they don’t train
because they don’t do martial arts because they don’t
go and hit a
punching bag
and it doesn’t mean you
wanna hurt people
doesn’t mean you
wanna be it’s just
a release of that’s the same reason like a
lot of like
pedophilia is
and rapist they all have that like pent up
sexual energy
they have like old shit they don’t actually can’t
even you shouldn’t even think
about martial
arts in terms of hurting people when you’re doing it in
training you’re just playing a game
and the game it does hurt
you know but it’s a game the
game is you’re trying to hit that person they’re trying
to hit you you try to get out of the way encounter
give out more
give out more punishment than you take
figure out a strategy that can
get past them figure out what they’re doing and getting
i mean that’s what it is it’s a game of
using the human body
in physical contact
but it’s a satisfying game and
it does wonders for your psyche
it does wonders for your
confidence yeah it does wonders for your relaxation
whenever i get upset
about something
i’ll freak out
about things
i go man i probably
should have worked out before with that
like this whole
thing the other day
i called this guy a faggot
i guarantee you if
it just worked
out i went to the gym before that happened
i’d have been like who gives a fuck
about this dude but
because i wasn’t
i got all fucking amped up i just wanted to
crush something
right right sure it’s just
that you’re not
tired from working
out there that’s a little bit of a too
that’s what they
used to say in taekwondo the taekwondo guys are always
my instruct used to say it was korean accent
it was the nicest guys
cause they always
tired from kicking each other
haha alright he thought that was funny haha
that’s good korean
laugh you always
sore too man you always sore like my shins with
these big giant knots on them and fucking big welt and
they pop and bleed and you know you’re always
clashing shins and shit like
think about that all day
smashing shins into each other
checking kicks kicking people’s
elbows and shit and breaking your feet
i broke my feet
at least twice on my left foot
so annoying man you
break your foot you can’t do shit for a long time too
right and you don’t even get it
fixed they don’t even do anything
they just go yeah you got a
broken foot
okay lock it something cracked
and it just i mean
unless it’s
like some compound serious fractions that are
required to
require massive surgery
so just go yeah heal up dude you got a
crack on that yeah
see you in two months
he does a new character now called
sticky fingers gonzalez
oh yeah sticky fingers
you love that
expression sticky
fingers yeah
that was the
contacts before i show
yeah talking about that
and it’s so
funny because
the whole point of it
is that somebody
would go on stage like
whitney cummings
there’s a video with whitney cummings doing her act
and then next he comes up
dressed up as
sticky fingers
and just does her
whole act where
he does yeah
dude at the naughty show like i go up
after every
comic and i do bastardize
their jokes oh that’s
great and i was like i
wrote this a couple days ago
do the mexican yeah
yeah got a poncho
sombrero sunglasses
how dare you fake mustache dare you
funny that’s very funny yeah
yeah it’s very
funny it’s very
you know it’s
funny we used to do a
thing back in boston
shit i forget what his name was
kevin riley i
think was the host
kevin something kevin
shit kevin flynn
kevin flynn was the host boston comedian and he
stood this thing called
joe biden night
because back in nineteen eighty
eight a lot of people don’t realize this because joe
biden is our current
vice president
but joe biden ran for president
and when he ran for president they
found out that he had plagiarized like a
ton of his fucking speeches
from kennedy
from jfk oh yeah
he was repeating
shit nobody knows any of his
speeches i’ll take people
people like god damn where i
heard this before
this guy’s got
a good writer but fuck you know this is ringing a bell
and so somebody went back and checked it
checked the transcript they had to
check transcripts back
right imagine now you know
you can’t get away with shit now
shit now people
still try that guy that palin
was supporting and plagiarized jfk too oh yeah
so anyway so we used to do joe
biden night at the stitches in boston
where everybody
would get up and do somebody else’s act
it’s funny that
guy’s vice president now
and he was such a big joke in 1988 that we had a
night at a comedy club
dedicated to him
right there was
a while back
my buddy brian jarvis of your
friend comedian we were talking
about doing a
stand up karaoke night
where it’s like
you can pull like
other comics like names
out of a hat or something and you have to try to plow
through their fucking
famous bits or whatever the fuck who
would you do
if you had to do anybody
sheesh boy that’s a good one i know mine
is so easy who’s yours joe diaz
oh did you have the best
dad the best diaz
i would joke
i dude i was in ann arbor michigan last week
and people were calling out for joe diaz
impressions
oh dude it’s a home run
impression get when
i was listening
to the podcast before and you were talk telling joe
diaz stories and you’re talking
about how like
you were in jersey
after vegas
and then the
phone rang and you didn’t know
where the fuck he was
i’m not gonna lie to you
i’m still in
vegas cocksucker
i never left
vegas you know what’s
gonna happen pretty much you’re gonna
start being
doing like 20 minutes of your act as joey diaz
and then joey
diaz is not
gonna have to do anything
leave the house anymore we may just go on
stage we’ll
wheel him out in one of
those little scooters
and he can wave to the
crowd and i’ll talk
so when he has his
first stroke
i’ll just do this looks
great i couldn’t he and i
where this gig
to hundred pounds he’s
gonna looks incredible
man he’s gonna
lease out his name though like gallagher to
we’re gonna do a fucking cartoon cocksucker
that’s what we’re
gonna do cartoon we do a cartoon i
would just do his
voice for the
whole cartoon
you he wouldn’t do anything but collect chat you
wouldn’t have to do the voice over
do beatings it would be
maybe do chores
you know this is joey coco
diaz’s tour
this is where i live just
where i feed my cats
radio promos
so we went down the
street like this fucking guy
right here is got the best weed
they just have
ideas for the cartoon and shit he needs ringtones how
about we get the cat
stone we should have
everything dude
he just has to have ringtones it’s just like
almost all of our friends answer your
phone cocksucker
almost all of
our friends have joe diaz as the outgoing message
like when you call
eddie eddie
bravo has the fucking best outgoing voicemail
message ever yeah our
it’s all joey
going fucking
crazy right joey
going crazy
my client eddie bravo is busy
he ain’t got time for your bullshit
and your questions and
oh i keep getting grounded about
buy the fucking book
learn the rubber god
practice it
shove the book up your ass
but no more
stupid fucking questions
my favorite only text messages my favorite
thing he does is when he does his girl
voice or his gay
voice where he
suddenly to
change i keep
getting grounded
and pounded
dude it’s fucking buy the book
shut the book up your ass
dude he’s going insane i’ve
heard the message i’ve called
eddie eddie’s had that message for like five years
i’ve called it over and over and over again i
still laugh
every goddamn time i hear it yeah
that’s when you know you got a kid
when people don’t
even want you to change it yeah oh please and meanwhile
eddie’s like a professional
jiu jitsu instructor
and he has people calling him up
about business
and this is the message
that he has
outgoing and that’s how much he likes it
he likes it so much he’s like yeah i’m
gonna keep it
i know it’s
right there on the tile
by the book
shove it up your ass
and he was going
crazy red faced spit flying you could hear it all
dude he’s the bad diaz is one of
those comics that it’s
like no matter who you are it’s like following diaz
you’re just like well
let me just roll up my
sleeves cause i
bring them everywhere i
bring them everywhere it’s the most fun
it’s the most fun because when i go on
stage the audience is already howling by the way
joe diaz and i are
gonna be doing a new year show at
mandalay bay
and we just picked this up it’s a big fucking
place it’s like 1700 seats
and so you’re
gonna hear me talking
about it some more if it gets
annoying it’s just
cause i have to sell 1700 tickets
but it is the weekend of the
ufc um so the
night before
it’s new years and then there’s a
ufc the next day
so you’re gonna get hungover
watching dudes get fucking
pounded on new year’s day this is a
ufc yeah new year’s day on january
first that’s that’s
the saturday and new year’s eve is a friday night
so to be me and joe diaz
at some new theater
thing that they got
going on at
mandalay bank bad
yeah it’s gonna be
it’s gonna be fun as fuck
trying to think of
other shit we
could do i was
gonna bring a dj i was
gonna bring a dj on
stage because i
heard that russell
peters does that it’s kind of fun
i was like maybe that
would be fun at the end of the
night have like a fucking cool dj but
they don’t want to do anything like that you have to
clear the place out
so i’m trying to
think of what else
you know it’s a new year show we got to
think of something that makes it more interesting
instead of just a show you know
videos right
maybe yeah how
about how about i come on
stage and fuck a flashlight
or or or how
about doing a
live just fucking through his head to
the ring hey
or do a live just
put it out there
do a live party oh that’s a good idea um yeah
maybe but the problem is uh
vegas is so fucking
short attention span
it’s not really the
place to do a podcast
on a because if
we’re all on
stage just shoot
the shit about
things there’s
gonna be people yelling it’s
gonna be weird i mean we maybe
could do that let’s
get mc chris mc chris but see what i’m saying is if we
maybe did that then it
would be hard to get up and do
stand up right
it would be hard
just go up and go and just
start doing your act
afterwards it
would be weird
because you’d like okay don’t change it pay it yeah
fucking yeah it’d be like all of a
sudden i’m in fucking performance mode
i know is this hey you ever notice
what about mc chris
what about him i wonder if he would he’s
your type of
music he’s a fun
party i’m sure
i’m sure he is
if i wanted that like if i wanted
music though
i want some
rock and roll
i want some
crazy band i
would like those
those fucking
those seventies guys
steel panther
i’d love them to do it but they’ve i’m sure they’ve got
their own gig
i’m sure they do
those guys they
killed it those are
they’ve been
killing for a long time that’s a fun i
think they have a
television show in development now do they yeah i
think i heard that isn’t it
crazy that that just came back like with the thunder
right it used to
be like being you know like someone who was into that
music was embarrassing
right now it’s like dude
everything does that though
everything does that
it didn’t i don’t know if it used to
happen that way
i think this is a fairly new phenomenon
that’s why i’m
gonna wait till the word faggot
comes back in i’m just
gonna hold on to it
it’s not coming back
the world’s getting softer as people get
as life gets easier and easier
people come up with more
things to be
upset about
i mean if life is very very hard you don’t
waste your time on bullshit you don’t
think about
bullshit if you’ve got a lot of shit
going on in your life
but when life gets easy
and it’s easy to get food and it’s easy to get fat
it’s easy to be lazy and it’s easy to do
a job that you don’t really like and
waste your time away
then you start looking for
things to get mad at
then you start
going i don’t like your tone
well and also like if i can
bitch about you
and what you’re doing it takes the
light off of anything that i’m
fucking doing of course
pointing fingers you know yeah yeah yeah you’re
a piece of shit
i can make you look
bad you have no idea how bad i look yeah that’s a weird
thing when you if you have a disagreement with someone
and you say hey man like why are you
you know you’re
doing this this is kind of fucking me up
yeah but you always fucking
do this with that
right this what’s up with that
and you know we’re not even talking
about that we’re talking
about you right now
that’s textbook
yeah why you
going immediately to jumping
pointing the finger at me trying to even the score
now if you don’t want to talk you don’t talk
about you want
to obviously it’s your fucking podcast but
so what what
like prompted you
to just you know passively
just be like shut up faggot
or whatever the fuck
i just like what
was the detail
no douchebags like that all the time with this guy
yeah yeah what happened what’s the
whole i already
sort of talked
about it it’s just a
this is what it’s all
about it’s about negative
mixed martial arts reporters
there’s a few of
these guys that are trying to do this sort of jim rome
thing where they’re trying to like insult guys and say
the most insulting shit possible that’s like
their whole
stick right
the problem is you’re dealing with someone
who’s putting
their emotions
their physical health
their future
and possibly the quality of their
thinking on the line
every time they
step into that cave there’s nothing more and
these guys who are reporting on it are making a living
off of these guys taking
these chances and performing
right and you must respect that
in my world i
think that is one of the most important
things it’s like
that someone
who is very vulnerable
it doesn’t seem like they are
cause it is destroyers and
these killers
it’s a very vulnerable
place to be
and you know to be shitty
and and to be douchey to
these guys and to do it anonymously
just and do it as a person who
doesn’t know anything
about martial arts
and this is my problem i i hate that shit it
drives me nuts
and this guy
is like the
worst guy ever at it he’s like his
whole all of his
stuff he writes is like negative
all of it is insulting it’s like the
perez hilton of
ufc exactly right and
you know he’s doing it just
like his stick
well he picked on me
and he picked on me
about something
he said that i was incorrect
about a technique
which i was correct about
so i just decided you know i’m
tired of this guy’s bullshit
so i just attack him
right right
right so i just
you know i called my faggot
which probably negated
in a lot of people’s eyes all the positive
things right yeah
like oh he’s a home but dude
that’s probably
that’s how i felt
you know i mean that’s what i’m saying i
mean you know
and look you know and people like what you
hate that guy like i don’t i don’t hate anybody i just
don’t want him to behave that way i don’t know him and
might not he
might not be anything like that
that thomas
rios guy might be a nice guy that
might be just what he’s trying to do you know
i have no idea i don’t hate him but i hate that
form of journalism
it’s a terrible
thing it’s it’s
wrong it’s unfair
it’s it’s putting out all this negative energy
for no reason yeah sensationalism yeah and i have
no problem with people critiquing people’s technique
like if you say
you know say if you’re talking
about a particular
fighter well he
never really developed outside of the one
dimensional
wrestling type
fighter he’s
never really developed to
stand up he just likes to take guys down and be
if that’s just a fact
that’s just a fact right but
this is not what this guy’s doing it’s like insulting
he’s saying really shitty
nasty things
about people
and then when they lose
he’ll tweet them
and say see i told you
he was that guy is just waiting to get his back
taken out of
ralph’s two
heavyweights matt mitreon
and joey beltron
two cool motherfuckers too by the way
joey beltron is the shit
that guy is a cool dude he’s like a
really really nice guy and he’s a dj in his spare time
just like bar
mitzvahs and shit
right okay my man’s out there
grinding all
right and this guy’s just talking
about how he’s
gonna get fucked up and how he
doesn’t belong in the ring with his
other guys just
in the way he said it was
super douchey
so joey beltron responds and even how he responds to it
is like yeah
thanks a lot that’s a lot of help or something
along those lines
right just kind of and then
after he loses this dude sends a
tweet out that was something like
you know apology accepted
because i was
right you got your ass kicked it’s like man you’re just
fucking with a vulnerable person man for no and also a
vulnerable person that can kick your
fucking ass yeah and it’s like i said there’s nothing
wrong with critiquing
their their technique
or critiquing even
their character
their behavior if they’re
after acting in a certain way and they’re
acting douchey or something like that there’s nothing
wrong with being honest
but when you just start
everything is just attacking and negative
there’s no joy and praise like what are you even
watching this shit for
you know you’re not it
doesn’t even seem like you’re
enjoying it
well he’s just trying to make a name for i mean it’s a
great analogy
set of jim rome because you remember when jim rome got
famous yes for doing that was when
he was with with
jim everett was a
quarterback of the rams yeah and he had him on the show
and he kept calling him chris yes
for like his
radio show and
jim came onto the show pissed off
and he’s like you know i’m here to set this record
straight you’re
gonna quit doing that
he did it right in
front of him yeah he’s like whatever chris
and he’s like say it again and
he waited for like three
seconds and then he goes chris
and he real
and fucking ever it flips the
table over on him and like jump on
and dude he was
famous ever
since then yeah
this guy’s just waiting for somebody to
fucking throw one
punch at him
so he’s all in the news
first of all you can’t
compare jim rome to an internet blogger
yeah but you know i’m saying though but that’s the
best thing that can happen
to this fucking asshole well it’s not i don’t know
you know it’s not
it’s this thing
where they’re trying to just get attention
right only by just negative shit you know it’s all it’s
right there’s no joy for it there’s no
and it can work for some guys
like it work for rome i mean it can work for some guys
right but it’s
it’s you know it’s fucking shitty man it’s shitty
and there’s a big difference between a guy losing a
basketball game
which sucks
and a guy getting his ass kicked
okay i guarantee you
nobody has felt
worse than brock
lesnar after kane
velasquez beat the fuck out of him
probably no one that’s ever
lived that’s
about is i mean outside of losing a
loved one that’s
about as bad as you can feel
right physically
and physically
and emotionally probably more so
yeah it’s as bad as being
fired from a job you love
i mean he just got the fuck
beat out of him and humiliated
by a guy who’s
smaller than him and he’s this big
giant fucking goliath of a man
and a heavy favor
he’s pretty
heavy favor like
three to one or something yeah
you gotta respect that man you know
you gotta appreciate the fact this guy took this
crazy fucking chance and yeah he did it for money
and yeah you know this is what he
chose to do for a living that’s
absolutely true but
no one feels that bad if they lose a
basketball game
you wanna shit on
basketball players
it’s really a different
thing man right totally
even then you know you shouldn’t be doing that critique
their character critique
their technique critique critique
their ability to perform that’s all well and good
but we start just insulting people and just
wanting them to feel like shit you know with
your commentary
totally being
inconsiderate
of this person’s feelings right
it’s like everybody knows that guy which
by the way i’ve all been we’ve all been guilty as
comics of doing
out of someone i’m sure you’ve made fun of someone
yeah sure but i mean you know that’s
a little bit different i mean you can it’s
about people i’ve met
some mean shit i’ve said some mean shit in the past
about people in the sake of comedy that i
wouldn’t say now
right i think i just think
about it different now you mean in
stand up you
wouldn’t say it now are you yeah
like now i look at it i go
what do i give a fuck
about if that guy’s doing this
i feel like
a lot of that is like growth in your own like
act and as an artist and
stuff early on you
start you know that’s something you probably do
earlier than
later when you
know when you
start getting better at
stand up and you
start getting better at
well it’s also you just consider why am i
why am i upset at this guy you know
right right
i know it’s just a joke
or what a cheap joke
or cheap i never answered a
lot of jokes
but you know
some you know
what was it
like the hugh hefner
joke i wouldn’t do that one if i had a chance to do it
today really
yeah that’s such a
funny joke you’re not really playing him i
would do it
differently
character of him i
would do it differently
um i don’t know
but i would i would not
not do the anna
nicole smith one that one she
doesn’t get a pass
yeah so that one
there’s few people that
turn it down yeah
when you start fucking
right a billionaire
i’m i’m okay an old billion an old billionaire
did she really get the
money though whatever happened that
she kind of died before that all got worked out well
yeah i think the law i
think she died i
think she overdosed before when all
those litigation like her family was like we’re
gonna sue you to the end of time this is
gonna shoulder bro
maybe you’re that rich
they could easily kill
that’s texas
money right that
texas well i mean texas
sassens you can yeah indirectly
i mean even if they didn’t indirectly they probably
drove her to fucking
right they’re like let’s just keep this in the
court till she kills herself
i’m saying i mean she’s
yeah you know
right she’s that type anyway i mean
obviously it’s also
weird that her son died too
i found that weird
whoa what if they
what if you find out this is like some
crazy conspiracy
it probably is
i believe that more than
tower seven we
should call alex
jones up right now
yeah right we
should call up alex jones
right now what the fuck
is that your alex
jones impression
oh no that was your ideas
oh god haha
he’s like joey diaz
tourette’s over here when is that video coming out
the one i’m doing now yeah
is that the one where he was on the
radio show yes just lost it greatest
things ever happened i’m editing
apart right now that’s pretty
funny that has to do with censoring words
where we went to a radio station and they
wouldn’t let joe say the word retard
which we thought was but he
could say everything else but no
you can’t say everything else but retards
a new one that you can say
wow they call it
people call it the r word now
yeah oh the r word
yes so the i’m
serious i’ve gotten tweets
well saget replace the the f word replace the
n word and now the r words replacing the f word yeah
yeah what like i said something
about myspace
that i went back
and looked at my myspace page
and i felt like it was an abandoned
child that i left in a retarded forest
that’s what i
wrote right and
people starts raining down on you
i got a bunch of
tweets like i can’t believe you used the r word
i’m not kidding
man i’m not kidding it’s the fucking r word
like when i was a kid
they said that in the
the r word yeah when i was can’t believe
you use the r word
that’s what my mom used to say to me if i did something
wrong don’t be a retard
is it right
is there gay homosexuals
what what you mean retarded
homosexuals like
like retarded faggots
dude you said
gay homosexuals
i mean i mean
i mean handicapped
homosexuals
you’re too high
you’re talking
right now yeah
right fucked up that there’s god
there’s gotta be
handicapped gay people yeah
there are you
think of course
well maybe yeah i don’t know i
guarantee it makes
sense what a
shit roll the
dice that is yeah i just wonder if it works that right
just seems like that
would be something that you
would have to be a hundred percent
to know that you’re gay or hmm
you know i wonder if it’s there such i got a
definition of queer
some fella on the
underground told me what
queer is cause you know one of the acronyms of lesbian
it’s like lbg
t q q stands for queer
and queer means
not particularly attracted to anything
attracted to whatever
like sometimes it’ll be
a guy bisexual
yeah well how is that
different than bisexual
right how is that different than bisexual no that’s
it’s the same
thing right it’s just
ignorant gacy thing
this is just showing you what a
bunch of fucking pussies we are
that somebody let them put that in
if someone said well this isn’t
bisexual is this enough
do we have enough letters no no no
i’m not represented
right i’m queer
i’m not decisive not gay
i’m not bisexual meanwhile most offensive gay
voice ever there it is
right right right
here it is yeah
this is my gay
voice from now on
i’m gonna do a gay
voice like a businessman
that’s my gay
voice right now
you should do like that
do japanese
businessman don’t feel
representative
mind type is clear
i like it in the butt right yeah
no not always
he likes it wherever he likes it sometimes
in my mouth sometimes up my ass
it’s like what
i mean that’s just someone just
pushing it that’s what that is that’s pushing it
right you can’t tell me that’s different than bisexual
do people just
wanna label
people have to
label you like what’s your deal
how could you call
queer how is that different than bisexual
there’s no argument if that’s the
definition if that’s the
definition of it
there’s no difference i’m going
basically by the way just off some dude on a message
board yeah he
might be not the most reliable of
himself but there’s something
about it man i’m like i think that
might be correct man
i don’t know it just
sounded so cause like
growing up i always
thought and you know this is just i mean i don’t know
where this came from in my head but growing up for me
queer was always just like you’re just not
quite straight
i mean you’re not totally
gay but you’re not you’re
definitely not i
grew up queer
in boston was
was this another version of faggot
yeah yeah yeah
yeah this game
is queer this
game is queer
and there was no our
queer at mma
there’s no rs in the
mma bloggers
queer it was never like
look at these
queers over here like if there’s a
bunch of gay guys that
would sound odd
if there was a
bunch of gay guys
it would be like
you know a lot of guys
would say faggots
a lot of guys
they wouldn’t say
queers or fags
faggots wasn’t big for me growing up
that wasn’t a big word
queer was but faggots was kind of more like
yeah it’s a college
yeah well it’s
momo’s was a big one too
almost got that but
even that was like the same thing
it really is
i mean there’s really no argument that it’s not
it’s not like a desensitizing sort of an attitude
to use all these different gay
slurs is really no argument
but why are they so fun to use
right it’s annoying you know why it’s
cause the way you said
earlier it’s
like when you’re growing up as a kid it’s just fuck
you forbidden
be saying it yeah
right it’s taboo
so then it becomes
a part of your
vernacular it becomes a part of your vernacular so
as an adult it’s just like
ingrained in you to be like
throw it out there because it has that
edge to it it’s got an
extra notch
yeah extra notch that fuck
like cut has an
extra knots that’s why i like
using love it
one of my favorite words yep you dumb
yeah bro that’s a call
bottom of the barrel dude
you call somebody a dumb cunt at the look is
great though
and i’ve had
that they shut her up
say unfollow
i cannot believe you used such derogatory
language towards women
meanwhile i was talking
about a dude
right i was
talking about
a dude and i had
people unfollow me because i used the word cunt
but i use the word cunt at
least once a week just to weed out the bitches
everybody’s on my twitter
and you can’t handle
cunt get out of there get get
because people assume
that most people
twitter if they’re in the public eye
is not going to really represent how they actually talk
most people
to give you some
like when was the last time ashton kutcher said
cunt in his twitter yeah you know what i mean i’m sure
you hang out with ashton kutcher
and you have a couple
drinks and smoke a joint with them he just
sent that yeah of
course yeah you know he’s
gonna talk about this dumb cunt
right something mean
right everybody does man all the queers
he probably says
queer a lot it’s fun
these queer cunts
but i think the
women that get
upset at that
women get upset at
using the word cunt those
are extra cunting
those women
are brutal that’s who i’m talking
about they’re brutal
they must be brutal
yeah give me a
chick that likes
to be called a cunt in a sack and now i’m
you’re talking about
set for life one
particular chick you’re talking
about a particular
chick you can’t call a
particular one a cunt
that degrades the entire
population of
humans with vaginas really
that’s ridiculous
right it’s like me being
upset if you call some guy a douchebag or call some guy
right a dick
you know what guy would
stand up and go i can’t believe you’re talking that way
about men about all dudes
no guy would
know nobody nobody it’s like that
how dare you talk
about men like that that weak ass
thing that some people will say to you
like uh oh you hate
women you know
brian post saying that i
had this argument too i mean not argument rather i love
brian had this
discussion and he was having an argument
with some female comic
and he goes
and as soon as the argument got ugly she goes
i think you hate women
and he goes
that’s really funny
because everyone that’s ever said that to me i hate
he’s hilarious well i
think that’s just a weapon
that’s weak
a very specific
woman uses that weapon it’s a political correct weapon
that’s when i’ve been backed into a corner i’m gonna
throw that out there just because it’s so tab
you know it’s like oh no i don’t want you to think that
about me no
i hate your type of
woman that’s what i hate it’s a
bitch thing to say
it’s a weak ass
you know like a fake
magic spell
you hate women
right oh is
that what it is
cause you’re
annoying like
all women are you exactly
right everyone
is the same
every single fucking
woman on the
planet is exactly the same there’s no variation
i have hate for all of you just
because you’re
annoying yeah
exactly that’s
so weak and they just try oh that’s the same
thing as what’s
going on with this
this whole like faggot
comment no i disagree really
why i disagree well
first of all all the by i hate
women all they’re trying to do is put you on your heel
right trying to make you feel like
there’s something
wrong with you they called you on it you hate
women of course you do and they like
stick with it
right you don’t even know i know i don’t hate
women i hate you no no no i’m sure i can tell
you hate women i
see what you’re doing you hate women
that you hate
women thing
that’s them being weak that’s all that is that’s them
trying to look for some reason why you’re wrong
some reason why you’re bad some
giant blanket
statement to label you
but someone’s saying faggot i mean that
legitimately is a slur
for homosexuals
right i suggest
you know even if you don’t use it that way and i
would use it that way and even if
brian calls me i’m like what’s up faggot
and i’m like how dare you
are we gonna go eat
that’s how we talk
it’s not a slur at all by then but right
the term of
endearment it’s actually the opposite
right yeah exactly
there’s too many meanings too confusing to some people
but that’s totally different than you hate women
someone saying that is just that’s just the ultimate
stupid trump card
it’s like i called it
i called it you hate women like
it’s so dumb
it’s like no no dude ever says that fucking
chick she hates men
or if they do if the guys who can’t get laid
that does happen
where dudes got fucking
lesbians those guys
oh that’s just
those guys are just hater dude
right i love that it was a
buddy that i it’s always somebody else’s
fault that a
guy can’t get laid to you know what i mean it’s
chick was a
bitch there’s a dude
right now it
wasn’t the way you were acting you dumbass it’s
cause she was a
bitch right
there’s a dude
that i used to hang out with a long time ago
and he used to always do that he was brutal
first of all you hit on anything
and girls didn’t want
everything to do with them fucking
lesbians like
literally fucking
lesbians he’d be
angry and look down and shit
right meanwhile she’s leaving with another dude
hey let me ask you this man your mom’s gay what was
it like in like high
school and junior high when dudes would make
lesbo jokes um
does it i mean to i
would like a joke in my
stand up that
you know two
chicks making out the hottest
thing in the
world to let your mom you know what i mean
you do then it’s just you know i mean it’s like no
right oh my god it must be so true that i so
weird so it’s like dude like growing up or like
especially in college time you know when girls
start like getting really like sexual and
stuff like that girl i
would always wind up dating girls
would always want to be like
you know i made out with a couple chicks
before like trying to like like that
would matter to me but i
grew up with that being no big deal like
chick on chick porn does
nothing for me bro you know what i mean it’s
almost in a
weird way it has the fucking
weird like i can’t watch
it yeah exactly
please let it dude
hope the dude walks in the room soon
man the black guy anyone chinese
guy that fucking
ninja exactly
how about throwing an animal guy man
anything with a dick
right exactly about
somebody with a boner please walk in the
room was it
common knowledge amongst all your friends some of
yeah some of
them know but like i said like i grew up in the midwest
and it was very
taboo and it’s like dude what kind of
part of the midwest
northwest indiana
right on lake michigan michigan city
like 20 minutes outside chicago you
know we did a show in indiana in indianapolis naptown
they boo john cougar melon camp
wow why is that he lives
right there because he
believe that dude
i can believe
i can fucking they
put his ass
they put his big ass fucking head on that
screen a giant
screen and you’re
that’s strange
he probably said something
about deer hunters
or something dude it’s hardcore i mean
that you know you really don’t like that
whole area the country i mean i you know i have nothing
totally against it
other than it is exactly what you
think it would be
so really we did this whole like
their roommates fucking
cover up you know what i mean and just let the johnny
think think shit
i grew up with a
buddy that had
an obviously gay
mother sure
and we were like
man you sure your mom’s not gay no my mom’s not gay
would like fucking deny it to the
death meanwhile
his mom had
short hair okay
and she lived with this
woman who was
250 pounds who
would wear a vest
sleeveless vest right
sleeveless shirt
underneath it
changing the oil on the car in the
driveway yeah and she had these big
sloppy like
truck driver man arms i think
she was horrific
she was a big
giant man thing
right and she
lived with this guy’s mom with my friend josh’s mom
and i was like dude what’s up man
your mom’s gay no my mom’s not gay
i don’t care
i don’t care if your
mom’s gay but you got to tell me that your mom’s gay
cause otherwise this is a crazy
we’re never
gonna be honest
about anything
right right
right i know
something it’s like you
know if you’re gonna lie
about what’s obvious you’re
gonna lie about
everything you’re kicking
over my sand castle i’m showing up at
school every day with a
dress on do you believe i’m a girl
you would say you’re a dude with a
dress the fuck man i know
right i know i am a girl come on let’s hang out
no we can’t hang out anymore
cause now you’re talking crazy yeah
right your mom’s gay
so it was like when
we were like fucking fifteen if i was like yeah yeah
i mean that’s you know growing up that was sort of a
you know my
sister was my
sister was very
like would just talk
about all the time very open with all her friends
about it i just
kinda just like
never said shit if anybody
would ask me
about any of my buddies would
talk you know we
would talk about it’s
no it was really no big deal but it’s just like one of
those things were
especially when i was younger
i mean dude that’s like
back then like eighty one ish
eighty fucking
midwest that’s like wake up with a burning
cross in your
yard kind of shit you know what i’m saying
for real like
i knew a dude when i was
thirteen i was thirteen i was fourteen i was fourteen
he was a gay hustler
he was a friend of a friend of mine’s
and they would like they
would do drugs together this guy had like a real coke
thing and i
think this guy
got him the stuff and
and we were all hanging out one
night i was like what is that guy do
he was like a little
older than us he was like
seventeen right
and it’s like
makes money
just doing a lot of shit that he shouldn’t be doing
this is my friend
jimmy who used to talk like in code like
that he was like real blue collar construction guy yeah
everything’s very vague
so eventually i
found out this guy was like
he used to but he
doesn’t do it anymore
apparently he’s done with it
he was like a gay hustler
what exactly is a gay hustler dude a gay
hustler’s like you go out with rich dudes and suck
their dicks
right and give you
money right
and you hang out with them
you know you hang out with them like for the night and
you make it look like you
party and you’re like a
party boy and you go from one
place to another and that’s how you make your living
that’s what this dude was doing
and he wasn’t gay
apparently just yeah i got a problem with drugs back
then he fucked up
sucking a lot of dick this was the strangest fucking
thing you know i was like i
guess i was fifteen at the time
i might even been sixteen now i think
about now as boston
as when you’re
driving yeah
so he might have been a bit
older now that i think
about it because i
think i was
driving at the time so i must have been sixteen
but it was that some eye opening shit
right there when you’re
like god damn
yeah man what a so
you get to see a lot of shitty choices
you know that’s one thing
about growing up you get to see a lot of shitty choices
like i talked
about this in the podcast that
i never did coke because my friend
jimmy his cousin was selling it
his cousin never left the attic him and his girlfriend
just had an
apartment in the attic
boarded up windows
and fucking hid from the world
and he lost like 15
pounds and they just look pale as fuck
they always looked like death
and i was like this dude
is like disappearing to this drug like this is nuts
so i thought okay that shit’s off the menu
any drug that
where your teeth
start falling out you know what i mean like heroin
crack coke it’s like
grind i draw the line
where your teeth
start falling out and i mean if
something’s
bad when like you see somebody they just don’t have
teeth they don’t give a fuck
have you ever like have you ever
slept next to somebody that just ground
their teeth at
night like really bad like
sound like marbles crying
in their mouth
that’s stress
that’s some
weird like tmj
two there’s a
weird diseases
my dentist says i don’t grind my
teeth but i’m a clincher like like
i’m just always tight tight
you know what that means
you thinking
about taking the ass and you’re prepping
ripping you bite
it out see all your
dreams are about you taking the ass
it’s probably big
black dicks too that’s what probably is well it’s
weird is when i did salvia that seemed like that’s
what i was doing
bite it’s a pillow biting
thing going out
it is man pillow
by you thinking
about you got a
mouthful of pillow
chopping down you
calling me a faggot no i’m
not calling you faggot at all
are you gonna
use that word
you putting words in my mouth
well you know it was an
obligatory black dick reference
there’s a there’s a threshold
there’s a thing on the rogan
board with it like how many times would you
bring up black dicks this podcast
right i think juvenile
motherfucker man i
think we’re at
four so far i’m not i’m not stopping either alright i’m
forty three years old i
still have a wall
chain to wear a backwards baseball hat i’m a child
i’m a juvenile
old man forty
three going on
seventeen you give a
fuck eternally i don’t
have to grow up any more than this it’s like why just
cause my body is
aging i’m supposed to change
this is stuff that i like i mean i’ve evolved
but the shit i like i
still like all
right and he kicks
that dicks in the ass is always
funny joe diaz
walked up in the alex
jones studio there’s one
thing that’s in the
video and i’ve talked
about this but it was so good i had to talk
about it again yeah
he gets up he’s talking
about smuggling
weed under his balls and alex is
going crazy
and this is how he gets up
i’m in the middle crying
laughing cause he’s describing his ball
this is my left ball is bigger than my
right ball cause i’m
right handed
i thought i had cancer for a couple of weeks
anyway that weeds
under my balls and it’s
stinking and alex jones
going no no he’s
going yes yes
and he’s saying no like quit talking
about this shit
yeah yeah yeah he’s talking about
smuggling weed
on his balls
on the alex
jones show which is like
he has like
ron paul on his show
right right and
like a lot of like serious presidential
candidates and tea
party people
they go on the alex
jones show joey
diaz is talking
about smuggling weed
under his balls
and then when he’s done he
stands up and he’s got this
thing going on with his fingers
yeah he goes joe diaz
facebook twitter
check yourself before you
wreck yourself
big dicks in your ass is bad
for your health and then just walks and then he goes
stay black is that the most important
thing and he
walks out of the
studio and leaves me crying
beat red in the face i can’t
catch my breath
i’m crying laughing and alex
jones going he say
he say he’s the devil
the poor fuck
it was one of the the
greatest but you know that’s what makes me
laugh man i’m sorry i
i i am a very deep thinker
when it come in what does that mean that
sounds like something i’m trying to get laid so
i know very deeply
thought i think a lot
about a lot of shit is not
not juvenile i
think a lot
about space and
about you know
scientific discoveries and you
know and then
you know what is life and what is this all
about and the big philosophical questions i
think a lot
about all that stuff
but when it comes to
laughing like
silly laughter
i like my shit dumb
i like a lot of shit dumb
i like some
clever i like
clever thrown in there with it
like i left in my own act i love to have clever
stuff i love that like
really well
crafted piece that’s
weird and strange and then mix it in with some just
silly ass dick jokes yeah
right right
i mean just like
eight premises in my act were a dude
somehow another ones that blow some kind
yeah i mean
that’s what i
think is funny
right i’m just a
child i’m a fucking so juvenile
comes to my
sense of humor yeah
right and i
think everybody is i mean everybody has like
you know you
learn to laugh it’s this
weird hiccup
that only like humans the
human animal has
from being surprised it really is it works a lot like
magic like magic you suspend disbelief
and like when you’re doing
stand up or even just joke telling it’s like people
think they know
where you’re gonna go
right their
brains constantly trying to be
ahead of you
and when you flip it on them
it creates this
weird hiccup
that the only
human you know
what i mean yeah so it’s very old i mean it’s old
you know you can
scare babies when you
scare babies at that
age they hit a certain age when
laughter becomes
you know in
their in their life
and when you like you can
startle a baby and they’ll actually
laugh that’s only one type of
laughter like joey
diaz you know exactly what’s coming
doesn’t matter it’s
funny there’s no tricks
right you know i’m saying he’s
right like no but that he’s not and i’m like
grandma please but don’t
bump get it
you thought it was
gonna be a no but
that’s really
my grandma right
cocksuckers i
tricked you
again yeah no that’s exactly i’m totally
agreeing with you
where it’s just like there’s something
about that other kind of
laughter where it’s like
you’re laughing at it just because it’s just
you know it’s just
funny the way
that the person is just a cartoon he’s so cartoony
yeah i love
listening to him talk there’s a
bunch of different ways for
things to be
funny or reasons why
things are funny
right now it’s the most important
thing is find the most
find the most
things like ironic
things are funny like
movies unintentional comedies
like grizzly man we were talking
about that before the show
how funny grizzly man is
how funny r kelly is
that’s really funny
but it’s a different kind of funny
it’s like oh my
god he’s serious it’s like i can’t believe yeah exactly
right right i mean there’s a
bunch of different kinds of
funny but that’s the key if you want to be a
happy person
have as many of
those in the mix as possible this is
the problem one of the big problems i have with all
these alternative
comedy guys there’s a lot of guys that
they become like sort of comedy
snobs yeah can’t
stand it and
what they’re doing is and
they’re upset of anybody talks
about sex like
i know this one guy who got
upset at a friend of ours because he talks
about sex a lot
and he’s like man
you’re better than that like why are you resorting to
cheap jokes like
man this guy is a
sexual deviant this is what he thinks
about all the time
can’t he just talk
about sex you know
what do you care it’s like
there’s a lot of people that don’t
allow certain
things to be
funny because they feel like it’s beneath them
and it’s such a subjective
thing like that’s
funny that you mentioned i was talking
about this earlier with
might even be the same person we’re talking
about right here
you know it’s such a subjective
thing like you there’s always all
these comedy con
san francisco comedy competition and shit it’s like
how can you be
like it’s like a
judge clever guy
like joey diaz will
never win one of
those yeah but it yeah i don’t know how
absolutely yeah it’s like how do you
judge something that is so opinion
based like everybody
know you might find this
funny or that funnier and it’s
and that alternative comedy
scene where they are so judgmental
and you know and that’s such a it’s a country
defense it is a defense mechanism like a lot of
those people
they don’t think they’re you know
ostracized by
clubs or they can’t get into the regular clubs regular
scene and they
develop this
clicky little circuit
right where they just look down on everybody
you know what
i was there for
the beginning of that alternative conference i remember
very well well no no no i bet you don’t
because i was there in cambridge massachusetts at the
catch rising
start i really
started it was really i they meant out here is really
david cross
david cross
started it all off
but what he was doing is very different than what’s
going on now what’s
going on now is a lot of people are really
basically doing
standard stand up
it’s just they’re doing
stand up where they don’t exert a lot of energy
right and they try to be like a certain
they’re trying to have a certain amount of you know
clever words tossed into
their comedy yeah
they try to
you know they
try to have really well written
stuff they try to impress you
know comedy right
geeks with like
people who like
absolutely what
cross was doing he did a lot of
weird shit man he was taking a lot of chances
like some of
it didn’t work but i always appreciated that he
was doing it was always really interesting to me like
i remember one time i went to
catch and i was waiting on
stage and he was
doing this crazy
thing when i walked in the room
where he was
just had an exercise
video not an
video rather an
audio tape that was telling him how to stretch out
right and he was like doing it and commenting like
wow it really does feel like it’s stretching me out
right it was so strange well it’s very that they didn’t
know what to do they didn’t know whether they should
laugh didn’t
know whether they should
very like coffee man
it was but he was like
really committed to it and
the way he was
behaving was like the
crowd should be
like on the same wavelength as
him like wow
this is really stretching me out
like it was like this
weird sort of performance art
thing that he was doing right
and it didn’t really work that good but i remember
thinking like wow this guy’s like doing some
interesting shit it makes you think like
i’m doing like kind of cut and dry
like standard
stand up like
right maybe
what i’m doing is not as interesting as what this
right it makes you see
how broad the actual spectrum
is of what you can get away with what you can say
how you can make anything
funny versus like
right and he was fucking around he was
experimenting but that was
that was in my opinion that’s real true alternative
stand up he’s like
trying a bunch of different
things he was doing that was just one example
but he was very creative he did a lot of different
things like that
right but what
i see a lot of people calling alternative
stand up is like
stand up comedy that you
would expect from
someone who’s into alternative music
that’s what it is it’s almost like
they’ve decided to
love the same
clothes sure
into comedy
right it’s like
do we wear this outfit and now you’re a comedian
right and do what you
think you know
those guys would
appreciate they were too hip for the
room but that’s exactly what it has
become it’s not saying that’s what it is and you know
cause i think originally
started this sort of like a
like a counter culture
thing to the
stand up comedy boom
of the 80s and
even early 90s and then
you got this like spin off
thing with like
cross and odenkirk and all
those kind of guys
which were kind of doing the
counter the
stuff you couldn’t get away with with doing clubs
which is not such
shiny materials longer premises talking about shit
even more political
clouds we are smart
yeah sure and
you know big in san francisco like you know austin
places like that yeah and
and what happens is it just got
watered down
you got all
these people they’re like i
wanna be like that
so they just it
became a cookie cutter situation you’re so
right you know what i mean and now
you’re not getting really true alternative comedians
you’re getting fans of true alternative
comics doing
like material
you know and i
think i think it’s
caused sort of a um
i don’t know i
think it’s gonna
cause more like a push back to like
you know traditional if there is a lot
of them are
doing traditional
stand up exactly that’s what i mean because
that’s different
right they’re doing
stand up they’re just doing premises they
think an alternative guy
or gal it’s like if
it’s a pillow
fight all the
feathers are out of that pillow you know i mean a
bunch of people just
swing in empty pillowcases it’s like you’re not
gonna you know it’s like they’re putting on an act
totally that’s the act yeah and
it’s just because that
thing you know
it’s an oversaturated
it’s an oversaturated
style but there is a good argument though for having a
place where
that kind of comedy
gets a chance to grow i
think it’s a necessity
experimental comedy i totally
agree call it alternative is like a good move yeah
to figure out
i mean there’s got to be some
the real problem with our whole
thing is that comedy is just like one
thing it’s like no one just goes
to see music
you know like what kind of
music is this is it rock and roll
is it country
it’s like what
we deal with is like symphony
and rock and roll are all lumped in
together as one
thing right and it’s
what gets on before you really makes a big difference
if joe diaz goes on before you and just
starts talking about
you know pulling turds out of some girl’s butthole yeah
stuffing his
getting two
points on his weight
watches for
a girl’s ass
i’m eating her ass
right i’m licking a
monkey from behind i’m
sticking my nose in her asshole i’m doing the pigeon
right because
that’s a chicken
but what the fuck
right i mean
if he’s doing that and then you
wanna go do that stretching
video people are
gonna throw
glasses at you
absolutely you can’t do the two of them on the same
stage it doesn’t mean it’s some people that
might not wanna see
that weird thing
and maybe they’re not into like overtly
ridiculously
sexual juvenile material and
it’s a taste issue
right and that’s why saying it’s the same reason
like these comedy competition
things are bullshit
because you can’t
how can you you know
it’s like such a fucking opinion
based thing
of what’s funny
and what do i like and it’s your own personal
taste so who’s
gonna be like
that guy’s the winner
right there joey
you know what i mean it’s like whoever
music’s the same way though i mean if you really think
about it people who
judge like rolling
stone they say the cd’s like five stars when
you know to
another person that cd is the best fucking cd in the
whole entire yeah
what you know what you
don’t have is like you know the rolling
stones having to
you know schlep all
their gear up to seattle to just like you know
compete against
every other new band for
to be able to put on
their resume i won the
seattle band
competition or whatever if you’re yeah
for a comic though that
does mean something that’s what i’m saying it really
does i mean you’re like
at a club and it says on the marquee
you know jason
t ball winner of the
seattle comedy competition
yeah i know a lot of
good people i mean
that was very like it really helped when a
magical one the san francisco comedy competition did it
launched him into a lot i mean you
very good friend of mine i was good
buddy of yours
you know that was very you know that launch
you know because it gets it matters to industry
i worked with al
magico we worked together at the old cobs
the old cobs was this tiny
room it was like
150 seats it was awesome yeah san francisco’s
great the old
cobs was the shit
dude it was like one of the
smaller rooms in the country
and it was so good there was a bigger
place that i was working at and i’d rather work at the
small place it was like so cool but then
somehow or another it caught on fire or some shit and
they moved out
something happened
they moved out and they moved to
they might just
moved out i
might have made up the fire part or the fire part
might have happened
after them it
might have been
the new company that took over because it became the
green room afterwards right
but then they opened up cobs the new cobs which is
it’s way better because more people can get to see it
it’s a way bigger
crowd but it
doesn’t have that like personal
kind of like you know there’s something
about being in a room with like 200 people
you know like when you’re in the
or at the comedy
store and it’s
packed it’s like
maybe 190 or something was a
seat something like that yeah something like that
less than 200
that shit is magic man
when you get a tight packed
group of people like that
and it’s a low ceiling and it’s a
dark room everybody’s in there and
it’s like so
rounded the
best is like when you’re doing do you remember
how dublins used to be
did you ever
used to do that gig
it was okay but dublin’s had that bar
where always
people would be talking yeah but i mean
where it was just like
a wall of people around you that was the best i just
loved doing dublin’s
yeah there was a lot of arguments at dublin’s about
stealing material
about i remember a lot of that
i remember like
get the fuck away from here
a lot of people didn’t like working there
that place got closed down for
noise ordinance reasons
really yeah that’s why all the people all the houses
right up in the hill
no way yeah that’s why they
close that and they
went up having to sell it or something wow now i don’t
even know it now it’s like one of
those douche baggy clubs like
nightclub bullshits that are all over the
place a lot of those man
that is one of the
you know as you get older
you know the
whole club scene like
where’s the cool club to go to
the vip and like
that is like one of the douchiest things i
never got into that shit
can’t talk to anybody man my heyday
you can’t hear shit can’t talk to it’s one
thing if a lot of
people i wouldn’t even
wanna talk to friends
right it ain’t bad like but
remember when you and me
and doug benson
and who else is with
eddie and went to sky bar
no no no i’ll get it
brian oh yeah yeah we went to the had the
dance off yeah
where was that
it was in one of the clubs in
vegas but who else was it was you me
i know it was
one of the comics
took benson and ari
was ari there probably
i think was ari
may was ari anyway
we were it was like six of us
and eddie and
it’s triple
a triple each yeah yeah
yeah and eddie
and eddie’s
girlfriend and
a couple other people that we knew
and we were just had a
bunch of drinks
and we were dancing and being
silly making
videos with each
other and that was fun sure yeah it was
fun it was we were all together right
otherwise you can’t you don’t you can hear a fucking
fucking thing anybody’s saying
right i got to take a piss
i know like what and you have
these weirdo
conversations
where you’re talking in the guy’s ear directly
and you never know who gets to talk
so you’ll turn
right at the
wrong time and
sometimes you come really
close to kissing
cause you’re so close
you’re like no no no i told him it’s cool
he’s not mad
are you sure dude
up oh shit he
almost fucking kissed
you like you meet in the middle and you’re like i mean
touch noses and shit that happens
on the ear all the time too yeah you always
accidentally hit the ears
exactly it’s like hot those club
drinks are like fourteen dollars for a
you have like four
drinks like
sixty bucks
smells like shit yeah
if you had two
drinks your breath
smells like shit
period because
you’re drinking poison
and your body’s producing all
these weird acids
going what is all this
motherfuckers
drinking shit how much food do we have in here to sop
this shit up
right right
right right
this fucking
clubs are only good
if you’re if you’re on
ecstasy in those clubs
that’s where it’s at because you can’t hear you
see you just
yeah those places are
built for drugs it wasn’t bad because we were
super baked
right we were
super duper
right and you’re all together like
you’re with
all your buddies you’re not just like like the
worst on the club like that is like you and your buddy
go to a joint like that
trying to pick up on
chicks or whatever just
the fucking
dude it was
it was a nightmare
when i was like you know in my twenties or
early thirties i
thought of doing it now like fuck that’s where
that off that’s
where that culture of of man hating comes from
it comes to men
trying and trying and trying to get
women eating shit
it’s also trying to get
women and failing
and trying and failing and then developing a resentment
like my friend used to call girls lesbians
he was really just an unattractive dude
and you know he
really had a hard time getting girls
and so he was constantly getting this negative feeling
right right
so he developed this
and it’s because
you don’t even get to
see your personality
you don’t even
nobody’s even getting to know anybody you
can’t even talk to each
other it’s purely like lust animal
noise and moving
to vibrations
and then alcohol for shitty decision making
right and then
grinding against your dick so your dick
starts getting hard now
all your thinking’s out the way
right it’s purely caveman
monkey shit
right there
it turns into like just your dna just
starts acting up it’s the dumbest shit ever
did you see that shit that they closed
down at lax they closed down one of the terminals last
night for like a few
hours because this woman
start like fell down on the ground and had to call the
ambulances and
stuff and like
she ate a pot cookie
and she really she
blacked out
yeah she blacked out or did something or god
she accidentally
ate one or no
no she did eat one
and then these rookies are
gonna fuck it up for everybody man
so they love
that up in the media too
because of this busiest
you know busiest
travel day ever though imagine being
waiting in line to go on your
plane that some
chick couldn’t
handle a pot cookie is that really true yeah
it was on the other
do you have a news
story son is on
on mbc four
or los angeles
i have a bit that’s a true bit that i’m working on
right now that i just what
is it recently
about i took a pot cookie
and i got on a
plane but the
plane was delayed
we’re headed to london
right i was sitting in the the
lobby of the
plane in the waiting area what’s that
called what is that called time at
which you’re actually on the plane
waiting to get on the
plane oh the gate
the fucking
sitting at the
gate sitting at the gate and cnn is on
and i’m so baked i’m so paranoid
freaked out
thinking about my mortality
thinking about what will the
earth ever explore
what happens if a meteor comes
would they tell us
looking at fucking
ufos over typical joe rogan
thoughts right
but but super
super super big
right right
point where i’m like whoa i am way too high to be
sitting by myself in in the airport waiting to get to
you know right
watching cnn
you know but but i got through it and i was fine
but we did it with ari
i gave ari a breast trip
oops i gave our
something allegedly
and he got on the
plane and he was like
or no it wasn’t even
me i didn’t even give it to him it was before he got on
that’s what it was because
by the time we got on the
plane he told me
that at the moment we
first got on the
plane before it took off
he was seriously considering
running up to them and asking them to let him off the
plane he goes i had to keep it together
right i was
thinking i can
absolutely see it
recently he’s like
did it again i just
i was like wait you
no no like he ate
again before he got on the
plane i’m like
see to me that happened to me once on a
plane and i was
splashing water my face i thought i was
gonna die went
to the bathroom ten times and i thought it was
going to really have to tell them the same
thing like i need to land i
think i’m having you know
panic attack
but uh he’s he did like two weeks
later he just went
right back into the
saddle like i’ll eat another couple cookies and he
freaked out
again i don’t know if he
freaked out or not but he
the fact that he went back to it so
quickly though
he went back to almost
being arrested
federally arrested and
making this
plane late and
you know and all this
other i would get arrested to i’m sure oh yeah
i was right
with him definitely
check to see who else was on his
ticket and go
you got something yeah
come on what you
tell me what happened here i’m like i don’t know i live
with the guy i know guy showed up lasted he’s got an
issue i know
i’d arrest him too if i was you
yeah i’m with everybody else man when you
start fucking eating
cookies and making everybody else hold up for two hours
because your
funky ass can’t take it right
you know they have a problem in amsterdam
where they’re
starting to ban
edibles from coffee shops
why people because people are fucking eating
with like all
space cakes
these fucking muffins
you just disappear man
right stop being jason
they’re banning it from tourists to now
well they’re doing it in some
places in some
places they’re doing it but you know well that’s a
tricky thing
about edibles you just
never know what you’re
gonna i did that
howard dover’s gig in
his like you know
marijuana show
down at la jolla comedy store
oh he does them down there too he does yeah well down
there’s tricky yeah very
tricky very san
diego is very republican they they um for such
la jolla stores out surprisingly yeah
well you know why
because they’ve got
money exactly got
money in the
right next to mexico right
right you tend
to get a little fucking conservative when that’s
going on no shit
so they have the
same thing as they have in la
where everybody’s smoking
dude it was mayhem
it was mayhem
so i’m down there and i’m
baked as fuck
and i come into like that you know that little
green room they have it’s like a
closet basically where
you can just put your
coat or whatever the fuck
i go in there and i’m
stoned as fuck
and this like the whole
tables filled with cookies and
brownies and all this shit and i’m
super stoned
and i’m like fuck yeah
not even thinking that they’re
edibles not even
thinking that they’re edibles
and dude i slam
a fucking cookie that’s like this big i slam a cookie
how could you not
taste it dude these with
the honest to christ the most delicious
edibles i ever had it tasted
just like a
peanut butter
at all tasted
just like a peanut butter cookie
that’s how i thought
that’s how i thought that they
weren’t cause i
ate it first and i was like
mmm that’s not too you know it was really
peanut buttery tasting you know what i mean right
so they probably use like the peanut but
like the weed peanut butter as well as like the fucking
or whatever
fuck you up son dude and i take a
second bite of a
second one and i was already
stoned right
and this is before the show
oh my goodness
you into a show yeah yeah yeah
yeah that’s the best part
and somebody
comes in he’s like hey take it easy i made all
those edibles man
take it easy on that like you know
don’t eat don’t eat too he’s like if i was you
i’d only eat a half of a cookie
i already killed a cookie
and like i’m one bite into my
second cookie
stoned as fuck off of a fucking joint
and i had that feeling you know that feeling
where you can feel like the adrenaline like the
blood rush out of your face like oh i’m fine it’s
a terrible feeling
dude i looked
asian for my set
i’m literally just like did you guys
talk when you’re up there
yeah and i you know what i just because of the
crowd itself like i just went with fucking
i told the story
you know what i mean and it went
over really good i’m like the only way out of this the
only weed show
though exactly
dude the only way out of this and i just kept
referencing you know i
actually went actually really good because i told the
whole story
you know then
then the dude coming in and telling me how the fucking
i don’t eat half of one of those
and as soon as i’m like i
ate one of the cookies
everyone in the
crowds like oh shit
i had some of the most
disconnected sets in my life
doing those howard der
dover shows yeah
because everybody
would be there with weed
it’s insane
will be cookies and it’s the most corn
and dude i it’s
the popcorn oh the yeah pop
pop pop ice
cream pop ice
cream embarrass
a too much pop popcorn and yeah
it was like
frightened for his life yeah
i lied i love
paris i think he’s
i think paris is hilarious he is very hilarious
that shit’s very dangerous the popcorn yeah
that stuff is
strong there’s nothing
worth being
too high and that’s what i was saying
about edibles that’s why they’re dangerous because like
dude smoking a joint smoking a bong anything like that
i can you know what i mean i ritualistically i
can kind of control my intake
but i gotta tell you man some of my best
learning experiences
where we get real
introspective and
break shit down almost
all that shit has come from me eating pot yeah it’s
cause you’re
tripping from
edibles are more so than smoking it you mean you are
tripping it is
right look when when i go into
the tank i prefer to eat pot before i go in the tank
because it makes it more
psychedelic
the eating pot when you
close your eyes if you have like a real heavy dose
if you eat like
a big cookie or something i’ve done this so many
times on planes
when you close your eyes and you have
these mad visions
like really nutty it’s always like
like the that’s why i
love that cartoon like
it’s always like
they’re always very
colorful and moving
and constantly
changing it’s very
very psychedelic
but it’s a totally
different ride
it’s totally different put in pot yeah it’s different
than smoking and everybody that eats that shit
is just like oh i’m just
gonna a big
no dude this
is a fucking buckle your seatbelt kind of
shit a lot of times
gonna change your life
homie yeah this is a
you know turn the tv off and yeah yeah this is
kick it by yourself
in a dark room in
right silent darkness
right trying to figure out your life totally different
freaking out you you are
gonna be freaking out about
everything you’ve ever done ever i’m like fuck what’s
wrong with me
right fuck i
gotta get my shit together hey
dude how do i
still work at my job
you know what i mean that’s always people’s
first one that’s the gate into there is
i hate my job and then it’s just like
tom segura and i went to detroit i gave him an
edible right before we got on the
plane no and
he broke his
whole life down on the flight for our
flight he landed
goes dude i just figured out a lot of shit
about my life
really you know i’ve done that so many times
eddie bravo’s done that so many times did he
do it in your
ear or did he do it to himself oh and mentioned it
you know he
told me right
right right
so dude i really went through some shit on that flight
of course the next day though is
i i’ve really
broke it down on my
unicorn in my past life you know like like he probably
shit oh brian
what i mean like does he believe in that
breaking down now
would be interesting to
talk now no
i was think it’s
crazy shit no it was
really objective what he was saying it was just talking
about his diet in his
work ethic and a
bunch of different
things it was really like
it was obviously
things that
were bothering him that he hadn’t been addressing
i mean there’s some drugs that make it bad
you know like
there’s drugs that actually like you know pot all
those different ones have a functionality
and then there’s the ones that make it bad for
everything it’s like the rotten
apple it’s like
no one’s ever
ever ever i guarantee it
smoked a joint and robbed a bank
or done any bullshit
you know what i mean
that’s crazy
i’m not saying
i would be the
first thing i
did before i rob
the bank got
being high gangsters
but i’m saying not from fucking well i
think calling all putting all drugs
under the name
everything that’s affect your mind
under the name drugs
is just as ridiculous
as one guy getting in an argument with one
chick and that guy saying well he hates all
women right
right i got
you you know i’m saying it’s totally bro struggling
are they vary in their
effects so much
the spectrum is so broad
from you know i mean
everything is considered
like when you go
to saudi arabia or if you go to dubai
you know i know
people that were arrested for having melatonin
how about that
melatonin which is a
naturally occurring substance that helps you
sleep right natural
supplement that you buy at the store
people get arrested in dubai
if you have fucking melatonin
can you make it into another drug it’s like one of
those like no
it’s nothing it’s just
fucking no i mean
it’s related
to a lot of
psychedelic compounds
chemically but it’s not i mean all it does is help you
sleep and you get arrested
for that shit man it’s illegal you can’t have it
that is such a mild and innocuous
drug or or psychoactive herb i mean whatever you
think i mean
if it calms you down i
guess it’s got to be considered something
right it’s got to be
psychoactive but i mean it’s one hundred i mean i
guess i’m time of the united
states one hundred
percent legal you get that shit it between
counter the variation between that though and
oxycontin’s
right through the roof
right how are these two fucking
things in the same category and they shouldn’t be
our valium valium is
a killer man i love that shit fucking rush limbaugh
thing was going on
how great was that by the way dude
i loved it i loved it it’s like well well
well pot calling the kettle
black look at you mr
100 pills a day always the case
as a comic don’t you feel like
that that’s when
you wake up
and you see that in the news and you’re like
thank you so much remember that one
evangelist that was like
so against gays yeah bro
and then it comes out he’s just sucking
tranny dicks and all that
he’s drinking out of god
straw it’s the best you want
coconut i just love one
dude you know as a fan of the podcast you always hear
about this coconut coconut
juice is the shit it’s
really good for you it’s an isotonic beverage my friend
a natural one this is a new company i’m trying
these out they were at the
local vegan
store right on
cheers cheers
oh it’s delicious
oh this is just as good yeah it
tastes good for you that’s good
yeah thank you baby jesus i was hoping
right the other ones are from thailand
it was like these time motherfuckers
might have the real shit
now this one’s from buena park
so world of difference i mean that ain’t the same son
those buena park coconuts are
so fresh it’s hard to get
them from thailand because it’s so awesome in thailand
good though
so beautiful they don’t want to work all day
fucking gorgeous
for us they’re busy doing muay thai and
checking out dudes with
dressed up with
fucking dresses on
right so where’d you get this at
just a thai play just a regular
health food
store near me
it’s called follow your
heart amy and
brian coconut
juice it’s the shit son
coconut juice is so good for you
it’s just this
gonna sound
crazy but it’s
true that on battlefields they’ve used it as
transfusions
when people have lost blood
really they’ve
given them ivs of coconut
juice to replenish their
blood no way yes
doesn’t seem like that
would work yeah that
sounds insane
did you read
that on the internet no it says it on the on
the can weird
i’ve read i
haven’t read on the internet probably is more
well they can’t put on the can
there’s no way somebody
would call you on that shit right
it must be true yeah
so speaking of science
y shit we’re talking about like
things that we’re interested in
there’s two
things that i wanted to talk
about one before we get
going because we’ve been doing this how long or hour 35
with this richard dawkins
thing is fucking awesome
richard dawkins is reading his hate mail
in front of a fire
right right
now you know
there’s always
you’re always
gonna get haters and i i mean i think
right i don’t read my hate mail i i see
like that someone saying something douchey i just
delete them
or on twitter
i read like two words i know
where they’re
going with it when you when you
first started getting hate mail
where you kind of
like oh shit i’m getting hate mails yeah it’s a little
weird but now it
doesn’t even affect me
right right right
you feel like
it used to actually affect
me i’m like wow this is douchey man what the fuck
but now i look at it i’m like
whatever right
right right just
i just know who you are now no i
understand i
think all that shit i think
any contact you have with
human beings you learn
more about the
broad spectrum of
human behavior
and when people are douchey to you
it just lets you know that
those douchey people are out there and
then you become immune to them it’s like getting bit
by rattlesnakes a
bunch of times
right right
right you know after a
while you can get bit by them and nothing happens
right totally the
first time they
bite you you’re fucked you’re fucked it’s really
yeah right right
right it’s like when you
first get shit
on on the internet like people will become
famous like out of nowhere
oh like this antoine dotson thing
we didn’t talk about that
we’re in detroit
in the guy from that
video you know
you know yeah you don’t
have to come they’re raping everybody up in here we
gonna find you
right they made that song
about them the auto tune song and the
song was really fucking good the song we talked
about in the podcast song becomes huge got a lot of
money sky is a
fucking celebrity now man
we were in detroit this guy was in the
front row of the weigh ins
and i’m i’m introducing
fighters and
i’m looking down on my god damn it that’s anton dodson
right i can’t even believe this
right this is so strange
then it turns out that dana
white fucking brought the guy there i was just
gonna ask how he yeah okay
dana brought the guy there hooked him up
got him tickets and brought him around to everyone like
all the ring card girls and all the different
fighters and
everything and everyone loves this guy
everyone is like shaking hands with this guy taking
pictures with this guy i’m like
whoa i’m like
this is fucking
crazy man yeah
you should do that all the time just find somebody
these internet guys
like in every city
you got like
working for a guy like dana is so fun
right because nothing he’s a badass
right i’ve never
met him but he seems like he’s a
great guy yeah
seems like a
great guy totally
obsessed with
with making the
sport bigger and huger and
he does a lot
of nutty shit has it got double rainbow guy yet
no that’s what you get
cause that guy’s actually hit him and
they missed the boat on double rainbow
yeah by the way double rainbow guy
never got as big as anton danson because he
didn’t ever fucking didn’t have a song yeah he did they
made many songs was a double rainbow song any
good yeah it was really did
we play it yeah
yeah we played it
yeah it was good but that fucking rape song the
you know the
hide your kids hide your wife yeah
that’s just a jam dude
right it is like my good
when i my girlfriend was like have you
heard this song
she’s like i can’t get out of my fucking head
and i play and played it and i’m like don’t
just don’t do it to me and people
stick shit in your fucking head
oh yeah couldn’t get it out of my head for like a week
it’s amazing that
music can do that
i got this whole
bid on that that i’m working on do you
wanna listen to this richard dawkins
yes and this what is well anyway
segue came back
i you know i
don’t like reading hate mail it’s like i know
what you’re saying like i don’t need to hear it i don’t
need it it’s one
thing if there’s a criticism of someone’s like
reasonable and
rational and they have something to say like you can
learn from them
because you only
learn so much from people doing douchey
shit so i don’t invite it like you can invite it like
i remember man
steely used to have a
thing on his
website he had
love mail and hate mail
you could get send him hate mail
but it was so overwhelmed that’s a
scale i’d like to see how that tipping of that scale
and he got beaten down by
the fucking sat
nami of shit man
shut the site down and yeah and so
he had abandoned that shed he had abandoned
all ideas of that but
the idea is that you don’t want to give someone
the green light
to go and be a douche
oh yeah no there’s so
many people
that are on the fence
that’s what
right right that’s what kind of sucks
about editing heckler
videos when we
do a lot of heckler
videos and then
is that it opens pandora’s box
because they want a
video made for them and said me
joe had like maybe
ten more heckler videos
since the last one that we
could have done but then we’re like
let’s just not do that just just drunk
idiots just people looking for
their attention
i love that one
video that you guys had when
it was out to the comedy
store you did the
or whatever when you were doing like
thursday fridays and saturdays
that one chick that was like
joe rogan you’re fat
remember that one
you like bitch and you lift up your
shirt it’s like a fifty
he’s got like a
fifty pack and
she’s like well weird man
yeah it was weird
right that didn’t even make
sense i know
i guess it was
cause i had puffy
clothes on i had like a
sweatshirt on i don’t
think you did though
cause i was this and i remember being
lying i had
layers oh okay
right right right
cause i remember i had a wool a knit hat on
so it must have been cold
yeah it’s probably like this
time of year if you guys want to see it open she was
gonna hurt my feelings
man yeah it’s called joe rogan fat so if you google it
yeah it’s still out there yeah that’s a it’s a
funny one google that
was so mean
and they were such
because she had
said like a
bunch of different shit
you were just
shooting her down
shooting her down
shooting her down and then
she’s like one of the girls
birth you’re fat is
her birthday
it’s a one of
those it’s always
somebody’s birthday and she they
wouldn’t shut the fuck up they sat in the front row
and they disrupted
every comic and people kept
yelling and
screaming and then
after i got off
stage they came up to me like they wanted to take
pictures like
that’s always the one i was like you were the guys who
wouldn’t shut the fuck up man you guys ruined the
whole show oh come on don’t be an asshole
yeah right be an asshole i
was trying to
help you yeah she goes you’re fat you’re fat she’s like
puffing her
cheeks out right
jules you’re fat that was so good it was
bizarre it was like
it was like
you know she’s like you’re chinese you know like
you know exactly yeah yeah yeah you’re a refrigerator
right it’s like it didn’t make any sense
you know you want to call me
short i’m sure you’d be correct right
right but i know that you
can’t hurt my feelings with that you dumb cunt right
cunt dumb cuntosaurus so anyway
i don’t think
any back to the the
whole idea of hecklers i don’t you
given giving people the opportunity saying hey
you know come
send me some hate mail they’ll take it they’re
gonna take it there’s a lot of people on
the fence that are just gonna
and then they’ll even say i didn’t
even read me that i just want to get your attention her
funny thing is if you’re like hey
everybody please send me some positive feedback from my
stand up nothing
i have no intention
of fucking doing that hey man feel free to heckle
me it’s just raining facebook posts and messages on you
no matter who you
are jokes on
no i’m just
saying no matter who you are just like people fucking
yeah well that is true but you know
you get a lot i get most
most of my interaction online
literally majority
maybe ninety plus percent
is all positive
of course it’s so
small amount of
douchey people and it’s very satisfying in that respect
you know and my
crowds too i mean dude i have like the best
crowds like i i
everywhere i go i’m always
honored by how nice everybody is
cool and people come out yeah you
haven’t had a
good time fan base
they’re fucking
nice people
man they’re nice cool people you put that out there
and that’s what the kind of people that respond
you’re always
gonna have a few
idiots sure but
in the but considering what i do
considering that i do fucking cage
fighting yeah absolutely
that i used to do the ufc
yeah i mean god you’re a
gambling man you would
think that you’re you’re a fucking
should be doing
the parking
lot in a parking lot with like both hooks and taking
you know what i mean
it should be all everyone with tribal
tattoos neck
tattoos no yeah
should be everyone has foil on their
shirt with japanese
writing yeah yeah yeah yeah and you know even
those people that show up they’re nice too
yeah they’re just you know
who do you think has the douchiest
crowds richard dawkins
what richard dawkins
he doesn’t have
crowns bro he’s not a comedian there’s a
comic who has a doucheus
cry oh boy dane cooks
who’s the guy with a
pop there’s a
girl jeff dunham’s gotta have a douchey
crowd jeff dunham you know won’t make fun of christians
he makes fun of
everything because he
but he won’t make fun of christians
cause yeah because that’s fucking around he
wouldn’t go for that yeah dude that’s who
buys his fucking puppet
t shirts and
shit well i
guess you know when you’re making that kind of
cash though that guy’s like roping them in all over the
world like top 10
gross and calm i saw a
thing in like people are
some magazine
thing he was top 10 gross and
calm yeah he’s
making mad loot and he’s all
squeaky clean and it’s all like weird
thinly veiled
racism and shit you know it’s all like
anti arab shit
it’s like the
funny thing
about him is dude like as a ventriloquist
he’s not even a like his
mouth moves as much as my fucking
mouth is moving
right now like it’s like
this shit is like
fuck it i’m just
gonna let the puppet i don’t even care i’m not
gonna try to
trick anybody
this shit i don’t get and i’m not hating
you know i don’t get it there’s a lot of
music i don’t get
there’s a lot of comedy i don’t get
any to teach his own
you have your honors
i don’t know who else
would have a douchey audience who else who
steal you is a terrible yeah yes
definitely they
might be the worst
right they’re probably the
worst the poor fucks they’re just sad
they’re clinging to
embers yeah there’s like there’s like yeah totally
and i don’t know i mean it’s
funny to me like you know somebody
bust his balls for
stealing jokes
has he has the most
psychos he’s
incredible dude you know he is like we were talking
about him the
other day he is to
stand up comedy what the grateful dead were to music
he has a real following people
travel to follow him
and it’s like
people don’t really know the industry
quote unquote
don’t know what to fucking do with this they
wanna do something with him
but they don’t know what to do with fuck and he
doesn’t give a
fuck he’s doing it that’s
counter culture
right there that is what
it really is bro that’s alternative fucking comedy yeah
is doug stanhope i
totally agree
check out doug stanhope’s comedy if
you guys don’t know we’re talking i can’t believe you
wouldn’t but
yeah if you haven’t
heard but there’s a lot of
people that are just getting into this podcast now sure
and there’s a lot of shit that we talk about
i mean like
things like you
know that it
should be like
that’s real alternative
stand up i think i
think that’s the way that shit
goes where it’s like
fuck competitions fuck
you know festivals like really most of his
even fuck comedy clubs he’s not even hardly doing it
absolutely yeah he does a few
every now and then
but it’s really now because he’s gotten such a draw
and people are so
aware of it that he can kind of call the shots now
right they know like hey
stan hopes gonna be in town
you can either have you know 50 people in your
crowd on thursday
night or you can have 300
it’ll be selling out in advance
you know but you know
he doesn’t want to hear any bullshit
it does it all through
the internet and his relationships that he has at
radio stations
that being said
he’s got some psychotic
crowds you know what i mean it’s like his
crowds are the most
drunk they’re the craziest
right for obvious reasons
yeah i’ve met
a couple guys two now that have doug stanhope
tattoos that’s so
crazy amazing one
guy had sicko
tattooed on his arm like
the same way as
the title of one of doug cd’s
yeah wow that’s strong
that but that guy
that that guy’s a real
stand up like if you talk
about like this
that’s not industry bullshit he’s not
trying to get on a fucking sitcom that’s he wants to do
stand up yeah and what he does is awesome and he’s a
great i mean
he’s not trying to be anything
that he’s not he’s really just trying to figure
things out and make them
funny and talk
about it on
stage and a fucking
great guy yeah
the best the best
what about ralphie
may’s audience
i don’t know hungriest’s audience
that would be a
weird audience
i’ve never even been to like a real ralphi mei
well what’s
weird is there’s
certain people that have audiences that’s entirely
ethnic and they’re gigantic like mas gibrani has
a huge audience right
right and it’s all like persian people there’s a lot of
white people too that like them
but i mean that
he’s a huge star
in the persian community sure
you know like
diplomats from iran we’ll go to see masjibrani
perform comedy
yeah like he’s like the shit
in that community there’s no one even close
they just shot this
thing for directv that maz was in
it’s the first
stand up comedy
shot at the live factory that’s in 3d
like you can wear like 3d
glasses like for
those new 3d
televisions like i
guess directv
if you have
directv they’re doing
their own like 3d
channel yeah dude they’re
doing 3d games right yeah
call of duty
3d games and 3d laptops now they have 3d laptops yeah
that’s stupid to me
is it yeah i
mean laptops are for portable use so what are you
gonna be taking your
3d games to the airport and stuff
yeah dude some people who
travel they
travel with
those fucking alienware
things dudes were really hardcore
i ran to some chick the
other day at the coffee shop she had one of those
alienware things
what’s alienware
alienware is like a company
that makes gaming computers they make tie
and pcs like
serious graphics
cards yeah for
the people that
never see the sun
yeah and this fucking gaming computer this chick
had was like old school
thick it was like
phone book thick
right right
fuck had a crank on the side of it yeah and her
power thing the
thing that’s on the
cable you know the
brick what is that called
the brick that’s
part of the
power cable
what is that
brick part the brick
is that what it’s called
good guess you
know her brick was
like i have a mac
laptop hers was
at least four
if not five times bigger than mine it was
giant but i bet she has 20 usb
ports where
mines are only rocking
you know that’s so
annoying that’s one good
thing about
those big ass laptops they have
everything you want you know it has blu ray they have
everything there’s certain
things you can’t get if you have
a mac like if you have blu ray discs you can’t play it
right they just don’t play i
understand that though but
i don’t really
i don’t know
i think that’s
stupid i think if it’s available it
should be an option i think it
should be an option for anybody selling computers
if you have that shit it’s a big part of your homes and
especially your
claim to be the best i mean max
for the most part
i mean i’m a mac guy
i understand that
they don’t want to accept that sony came up with the
standard you know and that’s
that’s some ego shit yeah yeah
right blu rays are popular as fuck well
i think stop being cunts yeah well i
think the whole
point is that we’re moving to just straight digital
media like this is
gonna be a quick
run for this blu ray
and especially when
apple is the number one selling how
quick it’s been a few years
that’s in technological terms yes
a lifetime but that’s like stabbing
apple in the back because instead of getting if
you don’t have a blu ray player you’re not
gonna use blu rays on your laptop so instead you’re
gonna be using itunes and downloading
kick ass for
three dollars off itunes you
know and so yeah but what what if you don’t have a home
stereo that’s
or a home theater
system that’s connected to a computer yeah
there’s a lot of people that’s i thought
you probably
already dvd then because i mean the resolution for your
screen doesn’t matter anyway
but it does if you have
blu ray if you have a blu ray and you have a big screen
no no i’m saying it for your laptop
if you know okay
but what i’m saying is that if a dude has a blu ray
and he has a blu ray
dvd player and he
watches it on his big
screen and he buys a blu ray disc
and he wants to
watch the rest
of it on his flight to fucking new jersey
you should be able to
stick that shit
well that’s why a lot of them
come with like a digital
yeah the version of
you get the blu ray
a lot of them don’t i
would say at
least half of them yeah
that’s true
they used to all have it right
is i i actually was
under the impression that they
they used to not and now there’s not
amazon even for that
exact reason that you’re talking
about is that
people are being like that sucks because i can only
watch it on my one fucking
tv in my basement i can’t watch it
and amazon just
started this
thing where it’s like you
buy the movie from amazon and you
could immediately
watch it on
on your computer
oh really yeah oh that’s
kinda it is i do
agree with you though it is a pit stop eventually all
media will be just coming through the air it’s a
short pit stop
that’s what apples i
guess looking at it as it’s like it’s not
it’s going to add 100
to your laptop is it
worth it for something that we’re
going to take out in like two years probably
three years probably 3d games
on your fucking laptop
you just technology now is i mean just like look at
this fucking room for the you know what i mean like how
phones and you can’t get blu ray players
ten years ago
imagine an iphone if i
would have told you
about an iphone ten years ago you
might get the fuck out
of here you
know exactly you’re fucking
crazy yeah right you can do all that on when you
first cell phone
um i got my
first cell phone
and i wanna say ninety fourish
ninety three ish
early nineties
i had a car
phone way back in nineteen eighty
eight you had that big ass one with it was actually
box connected to the car yeah
go anywhere with it but it’s the same thing sure
and then i had
a real phone i didn’t get
until i moved to new york
or to la rather so i was like probably the same like 94
right yeah big ass
brick it was a
motorola flip
things what were
those things called
the really bitching
motorola ones startex
remember that
you’re not talking
about the one you’re not the one that had like the
briefcase when you’re talking
about like a real fucking
that one oh yeah it was a
motorola yeah
yeah sure we
call it start
text yeah it had the bottom that
flipped out but it’s only just for your
voice it didn’t have anything
else on there yeah yeah
those motorola motors
they mean you
had their cord
you could pull out
and it would push in i remember
that antennas a lot of dude
antennas you have to put them on your car for shit
yeah what is
going on with this
apple antenna
brian have they figured that thing out
where you if you hold the
phone a certain way you don’t get any signal
is that all bullshit
i don’t think it bothers anyone
i’ve heard that it was
bullshit and i
heard that it wasn’t also heard
that it was
it’s on one side that if you’re left handed
it covers it yeah oh so it’s
death to lefties yeah so and i’m left handed with
these no cases
you know imagine
if you were left handed you grew up back when people
would burn people for being left handed
yeah i am actually left handed and there
were times where people
they would correct people
yeah they didn’t correct them they didn’t
trust them they wanted to kill them yeah
they’re witches
cause they’re left handed
dude that just goes to show you people
are dumb as fucking always have been and they’ll find
any group to be a part of people
feared people being different people
and that’s always the case
it’s always the
case that’s what racism
about it’s what’s sexy
you know sexism
and all this
homophobia it’s just like man that guy’s
not like me let’s kill him anybody with me who’s in
there’s a little of that but
they’re also
fearing what they’re afraid of seeing in themselves
absolutely one hundred
yeah totally totally totally i
think ninety percent of people that are gay bashing
probably just
fighting off some internal
need to suck some cock
or the fear
of even if it’s before is more upstream than that
they’re afraid
that it’s contagious and it
might get on them
you know what i mean it’s like man if he’s
gay what’s next me get me the fuck it’s a fascinating
discussion you have with people when you talk
about gay being a choice or not being a choice
what’s your
thought on it because i actually actually i don’t
think i think you both
i think it is
absolutely both
yeah you know i
think i think
people that are born with it and people that
choose to do it
you know there was a
roman study that
started roman
not roman back in
roman times but rome in rome
did a study
where they could
included that
it’s very likely that homosexuality comes from
a variation of the x chromosome
and that it’s inherited from over
sexual women
and that over sexual
women that it may actually be some sort of a variation
that was designed to make sure that they get pregnant
and ensure their survival back in
tough times so
they had to be
really slutty
and not just really slutty but slutty with a
bunch of different men
and what they
found out is that
women who are
promiscuous
are much more likely
in this study
at least to produce homosexual children
and that when they looked at homosexual children
a statistical
majority like you
could look at it on
paper and go wow this is
these women have
in their horse
that’s fucking fascinating
it’s interesting it makes
sense i mean absolutely
makes a lot
of sense why women
wanna fuck men
on a lot of why some girls are just
freaks there’s
some girls that just will fuck everybody yeah
and they’re like that from the jump
yeah there was a girl that i
dated when i was in high
school and this
bitch will fuck anyone
anyone she fucked everyone
she was crazy yeah yeah i
think you didn’t have bits
about it yeah i know you did that sex
show that i
did with ari
that yeah yeah yeah totally true
story that yeah i came home this
chick was so
crazy i came home one day there was this
other dude that my
sister used to hang out with
and that was i was like
i’m not wasn’t sure if we’re
still dating anymore as one of
those things we
get in arguments
we never were really
going steady
now this is we do
you lost your virginity to no
okay okay this is
later different one okay
and so this girl was so
crazy that she was
getting fingered in the
front seat of a car in
front of my house
at like four o’clock in the morning
i had to get up because i had a newspaper
route i deliver newspapers
right i had a van and
everything and i
would go and deliver the boston
globe and the boston herald
and on sunday i had to get up wicked
early i had to
get up at four o’clock in the morning
so it was like
four o’clock in the morning i had to get up
and i i get out of my
house i’m fucking waking up i’m so
tired right i was like
thinking man dunkin donuts isn’t even open yet
right right
i go to work
so i i get in my
truck and as i’m walking towards my
truck i see that this kid
i forget his name
he’s parked
right behind me
on my street
right in for the morning
five in the morning
and he’s his hands go like this he’s fingering her
and he’s he’s like making out with her
and so i stand in
front of the car
watching this and they’re
totally oblivious
that anyone’s in
front of them
and they’re like
drunk they probably
drove drunk yeah
right he’s fingering her and she’s
in the front seat and she’s like
and then i slam my hand on the hood of the car
i look at the both of them i go
ah ha ha yeah
and that’s all i said
and then i got in my car and i
drove away and that was like so
right before you walked out of
your house or
apartment whatever at that one time
you were like
i don’t i’m not sure if this is my girlfriend
okay i’m not sure if this is my
girlfriend or not i’m not sure where we should
go crazy it was just a girl i mean she was
never my girlfriend
right right right it was like and she
would you know we had like a thing where i
she wanted to be my
girlfriend and i didn’t want
her to be i wanted another girl to be my girlfriend
right so i said no
and then i asked her do you want to be my girlfriend
later and she was no because you said no the
first time so i was like alright
whatever she
went on for like a year yeah
yeah all the
while you’re banging her yeah always
you could she she
would bang you
after a date with another dude
she this bitch was
crazy right
right right she just
never would
say no she just facebook friends with her no i don’t
wanna be this is crazy
she would just she would just
bang anybody
i used to talk
about it like
her with dick
was like a kitten with
a ball of yarn you couldn’t even drag a ball of yarn in
front of a kitten they’re
gonna dive on that
right right
right right
everyone who
tried to fuck this girl fucked her
and she was really pretty
i wanna see what
she looks like now she was probably
i don’t wanna say
i’m trying to be a positive person yeah no
more hate probably looks exactly like richard dawkins
why don’t you play that shit play that yeah
yeah this is
this is richard dawkins
sitting in front of a fire
and he’s reading hate mail
what’s the name on the twitter or the youtube video
uh richard dawkins reads
hate mail okay hate
emails and he’s
sitting in front
of a fire with his feet propped up on his laptop with a
big smile on his face and he’s reading this shit
and all these fucking
knuckleheads
richard dawkins is a very
famous atheist
and intellectual you
will not believe in the
existence of god but you believe in aliens
but the very
existence of
your animosity hatred and mockery towards him
proves your hypocrasy
i suggest that
you find the longest crowbar you can find
pull your head out of your behind
if there is no order in evolution
how are you born with your head on your shoulders
they get it
no i meant to get it
you’re so smart in your own eyes you can’t comprehend
simple bible passages
and misconstrue them for your own bullshit dog like
i read your book about the bible it is totally succedes
propaganda your theory sucks
you are not as wise as you
think you are
you hypocrites
want to condemn anybody for making mistakes
or believing different from your bullshit retard
atheism dogma
bookings books are fucking stupid bullshit
then it’s a shot the fire
then what is the point of your life pointless
when you die that’s it game over how pointless is that
i really feel sorry for you all
but it’s not too late to turn to god
there’s a lot of people listening going yeah from
god to you frank
this is what god says about you you are a fool
you are a fool that’s four words and i
also like how they speak for god
from somebody called am kota
no i defy any of my co religionists to tell me
they do not
laugh at the idea of dawkins burning in hell
i always love that you suck
go burn in hell
satan will enjoy torturing you
what happened mum didn’t pay enough attention to you
so you decided to rebel
i hope for your own sake you see your
grave mistake and repent
god dwells among us
every day you are the spawn of evil
christian living for god
so funny i hope
you die slowly and you fucking burn in hell
you damn blasphemy
right now you are rotting on the inside
but you must know
that there is indeed a god
a great god
and he will
forgive you if you regret from your fucking behavior
you should realize
that your entire life has been a delusion
and that right now
your destiny is all fucked up
our god is a loving god
but if you keep peddling this kind of filth
then i pity you when jesus returns
i hate your fucking guts
sincerely haha you fucking dumbass
i hope you get hit by a church van tonight
and you die slowly
such loving people
okay that’s
can you imagine being that dude
thank you for joining
me it’s guys like that that get
get their lives threatened i mean those
well you know you
could be a marked man if he was
talking about
islam he’d probably already be dead yeah those were
i mean religious
fanatics are the scariest fucking people in the
world to me
poor fuck by the way if you’re listening to this
and you’re a religious fanatic my name’s ari shafir
yeah and my
phone number is
don’t you do it
remember when we used to give out his
phone number on stage
yeah duncan
actually had it
on websites and
everything like that
yeah we would say after show and if you enjoyed
our his his phone number is right blah blah blah blah
he would write that down
his phone be ringing all night
didn’t that happen
yeah oh yeah totally who did that on stage with a
duncan i thought was it duncan yeah
sounds like duncan
right up duncan right in his wheelhouse
duncan is so fucking crazy
does he used to play
like elaborate they used to
break into each other’s
house like duncan piston and piston and glass broken
when they were neighbors duncan broke into ari’s place
and pissed in a glass and put it in his refrigerator
it’s like i opens
his refrigerator and he’s like what the you know what
i mean they
just steal each
other’s mail
they used to do all kinds of terrible shit to each
other that’s hilarious
um before we
leave there’s another
thing that i want to talk
about that’s pretty fucking
crazy and i
think you’d get into this
because you’re you’re in a weird shit
this is physics
brian god damn it
physicists from the
university of bonn
i don’t know
where that is
have developed germany is it
yes it is germany
thank you very much
they’ve developed a
completely new source of light
a so called
bose einstein condensate consisting of photons
until recently now whatever the fuck this means
experts had thought that this was impossible
and this method
may potentially be suitable for designing novel
light sources resembling
lasers that will work in the x ray
range among
other applications they
might allow
building more
powerful computer
chips and these scientists are reporting
their discovery
and the upcoming
issue of the
journal nature
so these motherfuckers have figured out a new form of
light a new source of light
that’s cool
there’s never they’re
never gonna run out of discovers
oh no i don’t never
until they find
the one that just kills
all of mankind that’s the only way that ends there’s
a lighter is there what you
think that’s it is there it means like how many
layers does this fucking onion have
is there a core
do they keep
inventing shit i think the
core is time
travel or the core is
once it all becomes interlinked and once you know
i think the core of it is just like an
understanding of the universe
like and how it relates to itself that time
travel theme comes up here on the show a lot
we’ve had a lot of us that are
you know the idea of it look
the idea of sending a
picture through the air to you or i
if we had to come up with it on our own
how to do that it
sounds like
there’s no way but no
way could happen i
could do it
right now but
you have no idea how it fucking happened but
someone did figure it all out some
group of people that got to the
point where it happened
now if we as a unit of
three if we were designed
or we were told to go out and make
a new way to send
video through the air so that it hits another
box something of
it involves
soup cans and strings
impossible we
could live a hundred lives do we
never even come
close no but yet somehow or another
people were able to put it all together and do that
that to me says
there’s no end it’s just everybody puts a piece in
this guy makes the
wheel and that guy makes the axle this
guy makes the
steering wheel
and maybe he
doesn’t know anything
other than the
steering wheels but he knows how to make that
steering wheel and he puts it all together
it’s like one big
giant fucking ant hill designed to
create yes the
building blocks of
evolution i mean it really is the contestants of what
evolution really is is
those miniscule
steps where something opens up another box and
another layer of the onion like that and that
they have to all act as
individuals but together
as a unit that’s the key to getting anything done
anybody that does something like say a guy like
you know stephen
hawking’s you know
particle physicist
like michio kaku or something like that they
they dedicate
their entire life to concentrating on
know particle theory
and concentrating on the cosmos and country
outside like there
that is their spot
that’s what that’s what
thing they do and what they
from the things they discover we get more of an
understanding
about stuff
and then some guy will come up with some new fucking
thing that ties into that sure man
and i mean they pass it on that’s why
those guys are professors
they pass the baton
to the next
class of people don’t like to
build upon what he did we’re all acting together sure
we’re all we just can’t see
it we just can’t see it but we’re all acting together
and time machines
yeah i think i mean i
think time i
i don’t know i don’t
wanna get too far i mean i know we’re almost
wrapping up so you just
it’s a little late in the show to
start a time
traveling fucking conversation
we’ve had him
a hundred times yeah i heard
lockhart’s a big he’s a big
dad yeah well you know that’s one of the cool
things about
knowing a lot of
comics and knowing
a lot of dudes that hang out at the comedy
store a lot of
comics have a lot of goddamn time
and they sit around and
think about and
they’re generally
smart people like the better the
comics like
you know are smart
thinkers they’re you know
deep thinkers
open to fucking new ideas a concert consider
things anything but closed
minded are good comedians yeah
and you know what
it’s one of the most important
things if you want to have a fun life
you know you
gotta surround yourself with
other people
that are asking questions too and honest ones
so that when the when you know like
like here’s a good
perfect example
me and my buddy
jimmy to tilly oh
i was i think i was
eighteen and he was nineteen and we got a ouija board
and we’re like
do you believe in this shit man i’m like i don’t know
we were totally terrified yeah
let’s go fucking get one eighteen
yeah that’s what i was already laughing
about was that i’m
not i’m not
proud of it but i’m telling the truth
my favorite part of that story
so we went and we got this fucking ouija
board and he’s like i’m not
gonna move it i’ll tell you what if it’s moving it’s
cause either you’re moving or
ghosts are moving it
i’m not fucking moving it either if it’s moving
it’s just ghost
removing okay deal deal we
shook hands
and then we sat down in his
apartment and we
started pushing
you know sitting this
thing down and
we kept our fingers on we did we sat there
for like 15 minutes we look at each
other we make eye
contact and go back and we’d ask some more questions
right try to be like real open minded
and then finally
we you know
he picked his
hands off it i picked my hands off he goes
fuck this fucking
stupid thing yeah he
threw it across the room we
started laughing
like i knew
he wasn’t gonna fuck with me
right right right
sure we figured
this shit out together
right okay together
this is horseshit
right right
right right no
cause i knew i
could trust him i knew that
the most important
thing ever to have
other people that are questioning shit
other people
trust so that
you don’t have to figure it all out on your own
right right
right and me and
jimmy got in a pillow
fight we’ve
wrestled around a little up and
grab his cock and
show them some
new submission
holds right
yeah it’s just like a double
wrist lock but it’s on your cock
yeah that’s
no no didn’t do any of that but
that’s our lesson for the day
folks yes just
about 85 000 suck my cock jokes in
today’s episode
is that a new this
is an episode
where i said i was
gonna stop saying faggot
i know i know
completely gay so appropriate
um we wanna
thank the flashlight
once again for
sponsoring our podcast i like
to thank the hell out of
flashlight if you know i’m get you one of
these i’m get
you one i got something
i got some laying around son
i’m gonna give you
i will report back i’ll give you one in blue bitches
look at this one
it’s not avatar
it’s not avatar
is that the
alien one yes
alien it’s but don’t
don’t be confused cause
even though it looks like it’d be from avatar that
would be some sort of a copyright
infringement
oh is there an avatar
oh yeah okay no
there isn’t
but you can’t just go sell an avatar pussies man
that’s not cool it’s not like public domain
it’s a new movie man can’t just
but somehow know that they’re getting away with this
it’s probably because homeboy
doesn’t know
yeah you know totally or
as soon as he finds out that’s a cease and desist
cameron right away he’s got so much
money maybe he’s not
gonna give a fuck
maybe he just wants to fuck this
he’s happy that they made it and he’s just
gonna pretend he
doesn’t know it
exists have his lawyers
send me one of
those whole
house full of them he’s got a room and swing
i really hope it
becomes a smurf pussy
soon when the
smurf movie comes out is there a
smurf movie yeah maybe like
when is that coming up
smurfette two thousand i think
beginning of the year
what’s his name is playing gargamel to its
hank is area
is he a human guard yeah yeah yeah it’s a
human action
movie with 3d
cgi they’re all blue
yeah oh wow
interesting when is that coming out i don’t know it’s
under really tight wraps like
they wouldn’t let any pictures out of it or
somebody got a picture of hank is there i smurfed
calm there’s more info i’m just waiting for cowboys and
aliens that’s what i’m waiting for man
i am a big cowboy movie fan and i’m a big
alien movie fan and thank god someone
decided to mix those two together yeah right
dude when i went back home like to indianapolis
like i don’t know like a few months ago and shit
and my cousins
bunch of my
cousins were there and like dude yeah you’re you know
wrote joe rogan
right i’m like yeah they like listen to podcast all the
stuff they like
you ever hear him talk
about aliens
bro i fucking
laugh for fifteen straight minutes
like no never i’ve
never heard joe rogan once mentioned
aliens does he talk
about that or i’ve never
heard that’s so strange
people who are into
aliens man it’s like being into kiss
it’s like the wood they’re into it
alien army their fans
you know it’s like
people were into
ghosts it’s the same shit they’re fans of ghosts
fans of the idea of ghosts
i think one’s a little more realistic than
which one’s more realistic
ghost or kid
kiss no i’m talking about kiss
and on that note ladies and gentlemen
if you want to email
tebe or send him some twitter love it’s
it’s what is your twitter it’s a at the teb t h e
t e eb at the teb t h e
teb teb teb
as in jason tebow so
get at him on twitter yo you know you want to be
following this funny motherfucker he’s got
shows all around town follow me faggot
and you could catch him where you at next
this tuesday me and tripoli
sam tripoli
another funny comic are both gonna be co headlining at
velvet jones and
santa barbara so if you’re up there come to that
doesn’t he have a and
our next naughty
show is december 9th at the hollywood improv
we have shit
nick schwartz and freddie lockhart
taylor vixen’s
gonna be there
taylor dixon
right ben why don’t you tell us
who’s that brian today’s
but yeah that’s december ninth
december ninth
at the hollywood improv is the next naughty show
all right so that’s it the team at twitter
facebook how to get a hold you on facebook
jason tebow on facebook
and spell that shit it’s a
j a y foreign
it’s extremely foreign j a y
j a y s o n
jason with a y
and tebow thi
b a u l t that is not t bone
and it’s thybald it looks like
thybald it’s a french canadian nightmare so thi b a
u l t you got it so
you motherfuckers have no excuses
oh that’s it um
big new year show and i’m
gonna keep talking
about this thing
cause like i said we
gotta sell this
place out me and joe diaz at
mandalay bay the day before the
ufc january
new year’s 31st
december 31st december 31st december 31st
and then january 1st is the
the ufc obviously it’s new year’s it’s december
31st you fucking dummy
stop talking stupid
that’s it i’m
gonna stop talking this is the end of the podcast last
night i love you bitches
power to the
flashlight go to joerogane
net and there’s a link if you
click on it you get 15
off use the code word rogan
holla at ya boy
and we’ll see you guys next week oh
jason mayhem miller’s
joining us next week oh shit oh shit mayhem we’re
gonna have a special one that will be on monday
and then on tuesday i’m doing tom green’s
podcast at the smod
castle in santa
monica details to follow bitches
thank you very much for tuning in
and as we said in the past and i’m
gonna say this
again because it
rang true with people you are not the past god damn it
you are not your mistakes
you are what you’ve
learned and who you can be
move forward
with prosperity and power
and honesty
and black dicks
and black dicks
you suck cocksuckers big dicks
yes is bad for your health
facebook twitter
twitter find me on friendsta stay black
why we ended with this gay music brian i know
don’t text me cocksucker and don’t say faggot don’t say
nice
h i v
i know
haha kill his two face
aids
h i v