The Joe Rogan Experience #60 - Joey Diaz, Ari Shaffir

every time just like silence

we just wait for the magic to happen are

sometimes i don’t want to prepare here goes magic trust

trust in the muse

check check mode

this song makes

me feel like i walked in on a gay couple arguing

it actually

sounds like the credits of

jennifer aniston movie

yeah at the end

like she’s jumping up and down and the fall leaves

they’re frozen

in the air and our dog is barking and then it

freezes and then the song comes on

and you go okay now i can take her home and fuck her

cause i took her to a jennifer aniston movie

see jennifer aniston

got a good job

she did no whatever

the movie was

ladies and gentlemen joining us

today on the podcast we have the one and only

mr r e shafir

hey r e a r i

s h a f f i

r on twitter bitches follow that home boy

home home home boy

also joining us is the one and only mad flavor

aka joe diaz

aka planet rock

you were playing it rock for like a month remember

i like it too i’m waiting for you to

bring it up past it out soon you know i’m saying

hope everybody’s doing well out there podcast land

pop planet rock will come out on new year’s fuck yeah

well we don’t plan it we’re not doing a new year show

folks the mandalay bay

and the ticket people to put up the link

it got complicated

and it didn’t look like there was

gonna be enough

time to sell tickets so we bailed and they were coming

back in february on the

super bowl weekend so cancel

your tickets all you people get your fucking

miles back yeah i don’t know what happened

if you bang them

i don’t think anybody

bought any tickets

i don’t think the link

didn’t go up yet so i’m pretty sure it wasn’t available

it just was too

close it was too

close where it was too annoying

so we got it back

for february 4th it looks like

super bowl weekend

bro weekend

wow should be fun we know

balfour and this is silver

rich franklin who else

and we’ll have a link up for that in a couple days who

else’s super

weekend cuz rich

frank i don’t know

i don’t know

oh beta and john jones

really yes that’s the

three of the

but we can yes

check it out how do

you know that

i don’t know that because

this is what i do i

am on the ground you know i’m saying

you’re a soldier no no no

it’s it’s franklin

against the

other guy i think

the show is sponsored by one of my favorites

drop it the

flashlight ladies and gentlemen

i got no recipes this

week the fucking

real company that pays

money to get to keep the show rolling and we

appreciate them

and it’s an excellent product okay it’s

an embarrassing situation a lot of people don’t want to

admit they masturbate

but if you’re

if you’re a fan of

aliens i’m a fan

of that one

definitely you

like this one that’s a good one that’s my favorite one

for your penis

yeah attracted

tell me tell me more

it just has a little bit

better texture than the

other ones i have

inside because inside there’s actually like

three different

alien textures

makes sense because you’re you know you really into

technology it makes

sense you really being a fucking alien yeah

if you go to joe rogan

net there’s a link for the

flashlight you get 15

off like i said i endorse

it it’s a good product it’s an

embarrassing product you know looks like a coffee mug

it’s probably kept me from getting an audition or two

but that’s okay but it’s fun

it’s good it’s fun when you’re by yourself you’re

stoned you don’t

want to call nobody you don’t want to talk to nobody

there you want a hotel room

you take it to the hallway with your

robot and your

slippers you fill it up with ice

you come back you put the fucking little artificial

monkey back in there

and you bang

one out with some ice cubes and you get some eskimo

pussy you go to bed

and you come

in the cup and then you fucking wait till it

melts and whatever you do you know you come in the cup

whatever the fuck it

is you know you have a

good time everybody wants to have a good time you know

i have this

big problem with my animals

right now after i masturbate not

using the flashlight i

come in like a napkin

and put it on my

nightstand and that means oh my cat loves napkin

balls and paper balls so the cat

throws it on the ground

where the dog likes to eat toilet

paper so then the dog eats it

so it’s like this whole

teen tag of

eating my cum

and it ends up in my dog’s mouth

whitney’s dog gets fucked

with these dogs

pregnant comes up with a fucking iphone cocksucker

you dirty bastard

you have to call fucking

america’s most wanted you filthy

fuck i don’t do it on

purpose why

do you leave

if you see the

dog eat the napkin

would come on it already fuck well all

right so you’re so you just

shoot loads and just immediately

blackout three

yes yes 3 a m

you know this is only when i don’t use the

flashlight like 3 a

m come home

drunk put it in a napkin put on my

nightstand next day i hear

cat shuffling

like that and then next

thing i know dog grabs ball off the ground oh

we’re letting me that’s not

bad why don’t you come in your fucking hand

wipe it on the

sheet it’ll come on your pillowcase

that’s gross

well come on

a sock or something but you can’t come on a

sock come on a sock

they’re gonna recycle that shit somebody’s gonna wipe

their fucking that you know what i’m saying i’m if well

if it’s the cat’s

fault though

the cat one the cat

thinks it’s hilarious

if the dog eats my comments i

see your resistance to

sleep after you

shoot your loads that’s the issue

you just that’s what i

mean i pictured you

shooting along

and wiping and going

and the last

thing the dogs

clean up after us scrounging for food

dogs got i know you don’t do much alright when you

whack off that’s

where that motherfucker stays and you lay on it

and you wake up and put a

shirt over it like fucking nothing happened like abe

lincoln you don’t give a fuck

i don’t blame you

i use the inside out sock and i

throw it next to the bed and it just

you have like 20

socks with fucking

sperm in them and trees and mushrooms

you know there

was a line in my act but it’s so true that

i can’t remember how many

times that i shot a load on my stomach i just put my

shirt on and just left

just took off

pulled my shirt down and you know

never bothered wiping

myself like a

hole in your

belly but you know i’m saying

bats are flying out of at the

store with fucking come caked all over your stomach

how many times have you done that all day

all day if i’m lazy

if i’ve worked too hard i got too much shit i gotta do

i’m just wipe it up

shoot loads of my

chest hairs and

leave them there

like i said that’s what’s good

about being uncircumcised sometimes i whack off

and i just hold it at the tip

and it swells up like a boa

constricted i just sit there for like a

minute i can

believe i’m

going and unloaded in the fucking toilet

and it comes

right out one fucking shot you found

so if you uncircumcised do that just

whack off and come and just hold the tip

you can watch tv

to the next fucking commercial you know what i’m saying

it swells up like a bowl constrict you

gotta hold it tight

everybody’s looking at me it looks like

a balloon like a wet balloon you know what i’m saying

i got the cuban

egg one i just boop and it comes all out

i pull the skin back i dry off the helmet

and somebody in la is

drinking my fucking arm just so i get a full

picture what

color is your sperm

like yours i

guess i don’t

know i don’t

know your loads

would be like

normal i’m cuban they’re like tan like if you got

mike again yes mike

all right don’t

worry i won’t

touch it i won’t

touch it maybe it’s not connected

right brian

well hold on we’re all

right i won’t

good right here

i’m turning off joey

diaz’s mic right now

grab it and try to push it up

son of a bitch what is happening

every time someone touches that last week mayhem was

always killing my ears

because every time he

just accidental

pop into it it makes this really loud pop

it’s amazing you’re actually doing this with

studio style microphones in your home

hey we don’t fuck around dog

like this is what we

started out with this ball that was this like

stupid thing that you buy usb check

is that good

yeah no man no we’re good

i ain’t gonna touch it i ain’t gonna talk

i’m gonna touch

it now we’re good right there

i don’t get it jesus christ

that’s good right i won’t touch it

all right no i got healthy fucking helmet juice

healthy helmet juice no blood

no no one time i had

blood couple years ago what is that for

i went right to bob hope dope the next day because

the dr wex is the best doctor bob

hope dope and i told him

right off the bat i said dr wex i got taste them

and i looked at him straight in the face and

i came last night it was all

blood he looked at me go so what

because that happens every

once in a while in the party he’s

happy that you can come yeah no no everything was good

it happens sometimes you come a lot of fucking

blood that’s when it’s bad that’s when it’s bad

if you come how much is a lot

well i came one time the amount of blood sack you know

maybe you get kicked in the nut at kung

fu did i ever tell you

about the time i came home and my dick was broken

yeah i went to jiu jitsu

right and i’m rolling with my friend einstein

and he scott

epstein and he goes to pass my guard

slams his knee

right into my

dick i didn’t have a cup back then i didn’t

wear a cup this is the incident that made me wear a cup

not my balls but my dick

like bam sorry

right on my dick very very painful right

so i deal with it you know

and i go right back to

rolling you know i take a couple minutes off and then

once i’m okay

i get back in there and it really rocked me now

so then i get off

i get out of

jiu jitsu class

and i go to take my jock

strap off and there’s

blood in it and

it’s like all

blood and i’m like oh fuck like soaked

yeah all soaked yeah the

whole thing’s red

and then i’m looking down i’m

like oh fuck and then i look at my dick and my dick is

bleeding out of the tip

so i piss okay

and when i piss i see all kinds of

blood and shit in my piss and i’m like god

fuck so now i’m

thinking what do i do now

do i go to the doctor

because if it was you know my nose what

would i do i

would just go home

i just want my

what are they

gonna do they’re not

gonna do anything

so i said am i being oversensitive

cause this is my deck

yeah i am so just go home

so i got home and then it was

freaking me out like what

if my dick is broken what if something serious damage

so i forced myself to jerk off

did it hurt

no it didn’t hurt that bad what were you

thinking i just wanted to see if i could

still get a hard on if i could

still get a hard on i was sure that there was nothing

wrong with my dick

and yeah it was fine

i shot a load

and my load was like it was like pinkish

with red streaks in it and shit

i did beautiful i did a bottom zipper thing

where you zip the

bottom of your dick once

i’ve done that and it was so

fucking bad that it just was like this big scar for a

while and no

chick but ever wants to believe that either by the

way yeah yeah yeah the old you got that from what

what that from

no chick once said just here

it’s a zipper my zipper got

you got what

i’m on circumcised you don’t know what it is to

catch your fucking dick in your zipper

my dick looks like

let me tell you something

my little foreskin looks like

frankenstein’s forehead dog

stitches in that


everything i show you right now

i got a fucking scar on my helmet

from like when i was

about eight i caught that turtleneck

i just left it there for two days i

think one time oh

god i was pissing sideways i

leave my pants on

took like two days i didn’t tell me i was a soldier

even then on his show mom you

think i was

crying like a

pussy to mom

put peroxide

i looked at

those short my mom

could say how come

those shorts is

still i leave it there these are

like a little buckle like

your keys in there yeah i kept telling if i don’t

have this i lose my fucking keys little did she know

i had the zipper

that’s what they put a big flap over your zipper

i had the zipper caught in

the fucking flap

so you left it in there

i couldn’t i couldn’t pull it out oh

the pain was fucking

awful so you just left it i love

when i watch

some about mary that guy’s

one fucking day call the

ambulance i walked around for two fucking days i

still got a scar that dog

jesus christ you just

didn’t want

to unzip it

i didn’t want to show nobody it’s embarrassing

when you’re

ready you gotta go to your mom and say you know

have you ever jerked off so much or obsessively to the

point where you got a blister on your dick

no yes never a full

blister but

a lot still a lot

still a blister yeah

dude i’m a chronic masturbator

the flashlight company

understands me more many times the

way you do it

how many i want to know how many little times you’ve

had blisters i’ve done it and then a couple minutes

later go god

i can remember go master wait i just masturbated

like i’m you what’s

a normal week for you though like

three a day

damn not that high

three every day sure

what do your

loads look like like mornings mid afternoon


today for everyone

so what do your

loads look like please describe your loads uh

pretty watery

it’s mostly just powerade orange after a while

it looks like powerade

lemonade probably

oh no pat yeah

i want to know how long it takes to review your helmet

after you shoot a load no it’s like ten minutes no no

it takes that percentage of soldiers are

right the masonic

let’s look that up joe

you know that the first

your first loads what are you two

the most the the most loads are to kill other

sperm that’s what most of your sperm is for really yeah

most of your

sperm is to go and seek out other people’s

sperm inside the girl’s vagina and kill it wow

that’s pretty crazy

they say that the rate of promiscuous women

is directly proportional to

the men with big balls

and the men with big balls

the reason why they’re growing big balls around all

these women

is because these women are

promiscuous and so they have to develop more killer

sperm that go in and assault all the

other sperm

i’ve always had

giant balls i’ve always had

giant balls you fear from a family of horse

family of horse

sluts and you just constantly around

chicks and one extra dick

and when you’re around that that’s a different

level of competition

i don’t have big balls

that’s very nice

i read science

journals brother

i read it’s all fascinating

stuff man well

they don’t say big balls they say testicles

that’s the case with animals as well

case of the animals in the

wild kingdom the animals that have the biggest balls

are the ones that are

that’s in they’re in fierce competition with

other males

to get laid yeah

you your your loads will actually kill

other loads

rats are still

trying to get him pregnant

there’s yeah soldiers in your loads are soldiers

and they’re not even there to make

babies there’s a

bunch of them that are specifically there

to find other

sperm and put the beaten on them

it’s a war it’s a war inside her pussy

that’s what it is man

the reason why men are so fucking competitive with each

other constantly

is because we have

where we have a factory

of sperm killers that were growing inside of our body

to combat other dudes and last man

want to i want the

other loads are already there what if your loads and

their loads got together and became friends

you shot like

these useful

loads what if

they came out

we don’t even

load these yeah

and they’re just

constantly dripping roads out what the fuck is

wrong with her if it just grew in this huge

bubble of loads inside of her ovaries she’s developed a

whole colony of loads yeah just living together they

figured out how to survive off moisture

have you heard that thing

about life that they found a new form of life nasa

found a form of life that’s arsenic based

so it evolved in a

completely different environment than human beings

and it just changed their

whole picture of what life can be

like they never thought that that would be possible

so i explain more

well i’d have to go and read it it’s a

whole new form of life

what’s that mean like that

lives in lava they live

with arsenic arsenic is a part of their being i think

i forget what it replaces

i think phosphorus

i’m not sure

but it replaces something that our life is

based on well

basically what the idea is

it’s not a parallel growth it’s like

these things

evolved on their own it’s a different form of life that

evolved on its own

and it’s only like a bacteria

but still it’s a different form of life

it means that if life got more complicated with

the carbon based life that we have

it could get more complicated with

their life as well there could be some sort of

super intelligent life

that’s totally outside of our realm of imagination

we could never

guess it so they have to re look at all

these other planets

that they thought wasn’t suitable for life

now they have to kind of re look at it and go well

maybe it is it’s a different kind of life we’re

assuming that the only kind of life that gets to be

super intelligent

and can control the world is life like us and

but so it says who says fucking who

there could be some

crazy shit on venus

there could be not probably not

venus but you know on some other planets that we

you know that has a totally different

alien atmosphere and

a totally different you know

food supply and totally different temperatures and

it could be some nutty shit out there man they

found a new fucking planet how about this

they’re not they don’t know what it is

but they believe there’s a jupiter

sized object

just outside of our solar system

it’s a long way away

but it’s fucking huge

and they’re trying to wrap

their head around it right now

they don’t know exactly

what it is or how big it is or how far out it is

but there’s a very good chance that there’s a jupiter

size fucking planet

and jupiter is the biggest planet in our

solar system

one outside of

pluto outside that kuiper belt

they’ve been

i’ve heard scientists

talk about this in the past

apparently there’s something goes on at the end of

space something

about the galactic

shelf and the idea is that they can gauge

like how many

objects are

in the kuiper belt there’s like a drop off at a certain

point and they

think that the only way that that drop off

would be there is if there’s a

large body that has a lot of gravity and

and so they were

thinking that at one

point in time

maybe there was a planet but now they’re really sure

now it’s getting much much more likely

that’s pretty

crazy shit man if there’s something out there it’s

apparently way the fuck out there

like further from

pluto than we are from pluto

you know it’s it’s fucking out there oh but it’s big

that’s close

that’s scary

close you know

there are people on there dude

that’s that’s that’s nibiru man

when it comes into

focus when we learn

about it that’s when we learn

about the anunnaki

did you guys see that planet the

other day when you guys

had a little bit of fun do

do do do the acid

no i did not see that

dude this is the saddest

pink floyd acid

story ever really

it’s the tell this tell this pink

floyd as is i was

depressed it

sounded epic because this

is how i found out

about i was on my message

board and someone made a thread

that joe diaz and

rg fear are

dropping acid and go and see pink floyd

oh my god damn

those motherfuckers are doing it

i felt like i was

like when you hear

about one of your friends

it’s about to go trip

it’s like your friend is really literally

about to get in a boat

and go sail to the

world it really feels the same way

i have a good time yeah like

eddie called me up once he goes dude i’m doing five

grams of mushrooms five grams

like oh shit all

right man good luck

good luck dude tell me

tell me everything

tell me everything i’m like

write shit down

write shit down tell me

everything good luck

it’s so weird that

eddie’s the guy that when you used to do mushrooms

younger that he’s like yeah dude i’m doing five

grams you’re like why is that guy

doing that no no

no no no no no no that’s not what it is at all

brian you know

it depends on how you’re used mushrooms he’s

building a tolerance too right

no no no no no

your tolerance

goes away if you just stop for a couple weeks

you with mushrooms

the big big doses like 5

grams 6 grams 7 grams

those are the ones

where these people have

these insane transcendent


where they talk about

communicating with some

alien life forms and being

taken aboard

ships and being

traveled to

other dimensions and

you know the

secrets of the universe bestowed upon you i mean that’s

where like terence

mckenna came up with time wave zero

novelty theory

based on the e ching

for just a pounding tons

of mushrooms yeah if you do two buckets of b12 you’re

gonna trip no

brian brian

why do you need to go that

way listen these are

some of the most

powerful experiences that people have ever had

you’re just

thinking of mushrooms as

a silly thing

i never like

these guys i’m

thinking about a

gram of mushrooms i’m

tripping my ass off and i don’t need

to go far they’re not

the same it’s not the

same like two three

grams of where you

smoke peyote

it’s a different fucking

experience yeah

it’s like the jim morrison

seen the doors when he’s out in the jungle

but i’ve also

eaten regular acid that’s what

scene was that i just made

up a scene no no that’s a true

thing i’ve also done acid

where it’s taking you you know it’s an

eight hour fucking trip

you go through 19

levels and different emotions

man absolutely

you know you do a thousand

those mushrooms they go

three four hours

and they’re

least intense

i’ve taken some fucking acid that you don’t

you just keep

going in and out and you’re living off your subtext

your subtext is what’s fueling you

you’re seeing something

but your subtext

is taking you somewhere else

so you’re thinking

about why you didn’t

clean your room when you were fucking six

but i’m talking to this you know

it’s amazing i had a friend we

smuggled i had to

bring mushrooms once to jersey

and when i brought him to my friend’s

house i put him on top of the table

his name was

danny biankulo

and we left and his younger brother came home and

started eating them

oh he thought they were like french fries oh he

started eating

and we’re here

and he’s like the fucking shrooms that’s my brother

oh no his brother was like 10 or 11 oh

no this motherfucker ate half the bag

we were scared to take them to the hospital

so we just left them there we went out

so are you serious

we were scared

but you don’t know this family this family the

mother shot at him with a gun one time

danny was the kid that i was at his house

and he would be doing a line of coke

while his mother was shooting steroids

in his fucking ass

do you know what that’s like

his what his

mother would shoot him with deca once a day

his mother would say he’d be on the

phone this was his house he’d be on the phone

snort a line of coke in front of his

mother with his mother putting a syringe in his ass

this is this house really this kid being tan and eat

a half ounce of mushrooms ain’t shit

the mother shot out of one time with

the that kid the one that ate the mushrooms

listen to what he’s how many

grams is that he probably how many

grams i brought him fourteen he probably

ate five oh my god

i just left

this kid did years later

let me tell you how

smart that acid made him years

later that kids doing 20 years right now

for what for robbing a bank with a fish

with a fish hook

down a night deposit

money out of the fucking

thing like dirty large out of a bank

the cab to fucking new york and to get

a flight to hawaii

and you know

how they caught him because he gave the cab

drive 100 bill

that’s how they nailed a little

beyond cool oh he’s in jersey he probably out by now

but they nailed

him robbing the bank with a fucking fishing line and oh

do you feel responsible

maybe but fuck it

here’s the funny thing he ate the mushrooms

we went out to do have a party

we get back at three and he goes oh my god

all the lights are out in the house

that’s amazing because this guy’s

house was always rocking he had sisters that would

party with drug dealers and the mother

we walk in and all the lights are we turn the

lights on the brothers in the living room the young one

sitting there

by himself with all the lights on he looks us he goes

what i ain’t tripping

we just broke up

we just broke the fuck out

we just broke up cause

eight hours later

this little kid was sitting in the living room

just fucking

flossed wet and profutiously

we got his shirt off

he had the air on

oh it was fucking

classic if you

could read that kid’s mind and see what he saw

at 10 years old not knowing it’s coming that

way not knowing it’s coming yeah well

i don’t think you have bodies i did acid the

first time when i was 13 i’ll tell you

right now i don’t think i was prepared for it

i did window paint

it was like hitting a fucking home run in my head

you did what i heard window

paint i’ve heard of so many dudes that did it real

young and they just

fuck their brain come back

i’m very lucky

they shot that shit

i was by a hundred hits

for ninety dollars and selling for three dollars

high school yeah

and i would take three or four of them

in two or three days you know i’m saying yeah

after three days your fucking

thing is going

to your stem

you can feel your

stem when you wake up in the morning praises the back

barely working

oh my god i just had

it i was like

electro man i just had in

the back of my neck you know what’s the most important

thing you ever figured out when you’re on drugs

when i was on acid is a

motherfucker because

it lets you go out and look in

you know and that’s why i wanted to see

pink floyd again because i seen him the

first time they came and when you

go see those

motherfuckers i mean i went

to the gym this morning i was listening to them again

welcome to the machine or something one of

those from wish you were here

welcome my son to the machine whatever

and those motherfuckers tripped and then they

wrote about it which is really brilliant

in a musical way

that’s why i was so fired up about this

but when you sit there and it just takes you from one

emotion to the other when i trip

i want to be martin sheen and apocalypse

now now be gone that’s it gone when he goes he’s

fighting with the wind

all that scene when he’s tripping he bangs the fucking

mirror and he’s naked that’s

that’s a trip

that’s the best fucking trip you’ll see and

the other thing was we got together you know the

other day we took the acid yeah we took a half a hit

then we got on the

train and then we took the other hit on the train

and when we got there we walked over the staples

why did this

what tell me

the thought process you took one you waited

i want to pop it

skin pop it

was the heroin people

would do they always pop a little bit in

their skin just to see how

strong the heroin is

you want to test the

motherfucker how do you just skin pop

heroin it’s like it’s like waiting it’s

like a half a

joint that’s the

waiting time that’s

a bag of weed you just

instead of roll the big

blunt you like hold on

this is joey

diaz let’s just take one fucking hit

you follow me

so we took a half a hit

at four thirty just to time it out

then we took the

other whole hit

at 6 o’clock to time it out

so i figured by 8 o’clock i’d be a fucking jupiter

but instead we were outside trying to get tickets

when we pulled up they had tickets for a buck and a

quarter but on the left hand side yeah

all the way on the left we

wouldn’t have seen that i

wouldn’t have mind

going us to get

those tickets and

but we took a gamble

we thought we’d get something else but there was no

scalpers down there

and then i wanted to stay and fight

but it wasn’t the clientele i thought i

would see it a pink

floyd concert

my trip that

night while i was there my

because with the acid didn’t hit me too on the

train ride so we went to eat something

and that’s how i knew it was good acid because i was

tripping but we

ate something

so once we went to that fucking restaurant the

stable whatever the fuck the name the pantry

the pantry that’s

when it kicked in that’s when it kicked in

yeah we walked away it’s probably 8 35 8 40 so how

strong is it

it’s men’s events

it’s i got to pop two of them to really get the body

yeah we gotta do more than

empty stomach two of them and get into some excitement

that’s all but i

still got him i got him i

could feel like coming

starting to kick in but then just

would just wouldn’t

click it didn’t go over the mountain

i think we had to get into some type of devs

isn’t that a

tricky thing though

about acid you don’t know how goddamn

strong that’s not like

it doesn’t think

to where it comes

and then goes away

and it comes

stronger and then goes away

it goes away you

smoke a joint it comes all the way up

i’ve had a bunch

of people tell me that eating weed is a lot like lsd

is that the case

no no not even

close not even close

what is what is the difference brian

lsd if it’s good lsd like

jesus we used to take

jesus christ or beavis and butt head

acid back in the day that was like the big ones right

it used to actually take

like like be

a dmt trip different rural

this is not

your room anymore this is a room made of jello

for three hours

and then next

thing you know your hands are

falling on the

floor and you’re

like in the very beginning it felt like you’re on

edible like ten minutes

after i had it i was like oh

my body kind of

tingly well i

think it’s got the intense part or the body like

you’re feeling

i know intent

or you know tighten up like the

strychnine type feel

i think it has strychnine

this didn’t have

strychnine in it

it didn’t have

straight line

no why are you saying

strict nine knows is

because i know how to

yeah the old days

why would they put

strict nine

the back in the day they used to say it made it

stiff to the

paper more or something

like something

weird like that i don’t

know that was

a lot of get some

flowers and

the next day you’re back

you felt like a fucking rat

and there used to be

things like if you got in a car accident that strict

night if it hits you

right in the back you’re full for life

there’s behind that

go in your system

exactly but yeah that’s why then i

switched to doing liquid on

sugar cubes

where you just buy a big

thing of sugar

cubes and just buy some liquid that i like that was how

do you get the liquid

from a mad scientist who knows and you drop

or something

you gotta drop

the dea keeps a very

close track

of the precursors

the stuff that you need to chemically

synthesize lsd well i’ll tell you what

it’s real i

could have got

the liquid for this show

but he wanted 600 a canister

and they wanted to mail it to me

oh no silence

bye why not

tell you what

they want to put you in jail no no this is my

buddy i know him a long time but just the male thought

i don’t want somebody

knock on the door and i got fucking

spike tv in

front of my door with a camera

and dea show out there you follow me yeah i don’t want

if i know the guy

this kind i get it from i know

20 you don’t need that much anyway i

go no you need two drops but

you just can’t call

whatever and say i need two drops flown to me

they want you to buy the

whole fucking container right

right and i didn’t mind buying a container

but then i got a container in my

house of liquid others d

you know two in the afternoon i’m bored

ain’t nothing

going on you do

kicking it’s a bad idea yeah you follow

i don’t give a fuck

that’s a weird

thing worrying

about being set up

you know it’s a

weird thing with

with drugs with certain drugs like you have to worry

about being set up it seems so lame

if you’re guys like into coke

especially if you sell coke man

i know a guy who was just selling a little bit of coke

he was not selling a lot of coke he was selling it like

at clubs and here and there just

just always to make a little

extra money and

his supplier

got in trouble

and he got arrested

and apparently he

swallowed the baggie or something he got off

and he never had to do time

but they were

after him and they were on to him

don’t remember who fucking told me his story

but so what happened was

they what they

did was they set him up and they said that they were

gonna have this

this his supplier got popped and

so the dea went behind the

supply and they said listen

this guy that got off

we’re gonna go get him okay you’re

gonna help us get him and we’re

gonna give you some time off

so what they did was they set it up so

they went after the little

guy who was like selling a little bit here and there

and he said hey man i’m

going out of business you

could take my

whole supply i’ll give you fucking half off

i’m gonna give

you half of what i paid for it i just want out

you can take the

whole thing but i need it all in cash

this guy goes okay

so this dummy goes and

gets it all in cash gets this big wad of cash meets em

swat guys show

a humongous amount of

they talked him into

becoming a major dealer they

talked him into this so now the guy goes away forever

or 15 years or something crazy

and meanwhile

he was just a

petty little

drug dealer

and you got fucked

well little amount see

you know a man a

gram and eight ball on you see if you have an

eight ball and it’s not packaged up

you’re okay

but what my

point was what how

crazy is that they can do that they can set you up

with a fake

they can make the number

they can say

you know it’s a it’s a

500 000 or you know a million dollars

worth of coke they could

bring the coke

they can set you up like it

doesn’t have to be you know anything that was your idea

it could be their idea

which is not fair

because if you deal

with someone who’s a criminal okay

the psychology behind a criminal is always

this could be my last

score this could be a big

score maybe i get this and i get out

you know maybe i get this and i’ll do something legit

like it’s so

tempting for them if they’ve done criminal shit before

and they’ve got away with it

you come to them with some

crazy that’s like

you like you know some

really some guy was trying to be

faithful and some

chick shows up

naked at his

house sucks his dick and says aha

look what you did yeah

it’s like that’s the normal

situation you suck my dick hey you

freak me out

this is not core

i don’t know

what it is i don’t know what it is what happens is this

what happens is this

the guy who rolled

against them

even if he went to the government

still this motherfucker

smart he has to take it to trial

if he had a half million dollars

to pay for coke

he’s got a ton of

money to pay for an attorney

nobody wants to put a

snitch on the witness stand

so they plea

bargain him out and they

you know he does

three fucking years

because if you get go away that way that’s the

other angle

yeah is that

the case though because if they

want but if they want to get you how did they get you

they got you through this guy

named joe rogan

i type it up joe rogan’s got more arrest than my client

i want to see this guy in

court i want to see him testify let’s take it to trial

fuck it let’s take it to trial

fuck it let’s take it to trial

this guy goes in the

stand you’ve been arrested for

everything from the kids

to smoking fucking

twenty joints at

school and you’re

gonna come testify my my guy they

throw the fucking

thing out caught

that coercion shit is kind of fucking weird

tricky but that’s not

how could they do that how can they come up with a

scenario they want

you boy you it isn’t

trap it is but it i don’t

think it is

i think as long as you’re

you’ve already been dealing with that guy it’s like

it’s a normal situation

like they said some old lady is a cop down the

street with a bag and somebody robs her

you know but she’s really a cop

it’s like that’s not entrapment old

ladies walk down

always walk down here all the time that’s a very good

point that’s a very good point

yeah no that’s not entrapment at all

yeah that’s an

undercover cop

yeah that’s a

weird thing

where they’re allowed to come up with scenarios

you know they’re allowed to do this shit

listen one thing and you know this they

could come into your

house anytime really fucking

story they do it

everywhere though

they don’t just do it that mean they do

cyberly they do

torrents they’ll

throw fucking

tron on there to see if you download

tron and then you know

get you for that too i did

i did demotron arrested did you

like that the old one

shh i’ll say anything

it’s amazing you’d be surprised

you’d be surprised when

undercover listen let me tell you something

for an undercover cop

to buy coke from somebody they

gotta do coke in

front of them

that’s just now yeah you have to so

a lot of those guys get hooked

they get hooked no well the

most important

thing is they buy the coke from you they do a line in

front of you

and they push the

trial back to nine months

by the time the cop goes into

trial he’s cleaning so it’s out of assistance

out of assistance

right right

right right it’s not your word

against yours

they do what the fuck they want if they want to come

after you it’s like you just gotta be

you just gotta be under the radar

listen the kid came to visit me two weeks ago

three weeks ago from jersey we didn’t get the hook up

this kid’s been dealing blow

since we were in high school

he’s got a plumbing business

he’s got three different xys with three

houses three different and rumpson

and a cherry hill new jersey

it’s got six employees

he’s got bids all over it and he’s

still fucking

so he’s got a brought here a russian brought here the

strip club you understand me

how old is he 47

48 three kids three different bronzes

child support

been selling blow since

eight balls since we were in high school he just knows

how the fuck did you do that

there’s not a lot

of guys that can do that almost all of them get busted

the odds are

against you

but if you go

under and there’s a way to go

under and stay under and

you must finance you know you can finance and

you know when you’re financing a good

thing and you get 20

of their action

and they’re making 800 000 a month

that’s not too fucking

shabby you know

yeah but you figure someone will come after him

i mean it’s just amazing

and he took half the dough it

started up a business it got six fucking employees with

trucks and walking up

please what is

this job what it

well you don’t

want to say no but it’s just amazing that

some people we had this we had this kind of

we know some

people go away and some people

are very smart some people

stupid about it

i always thought it

was bad luck no matter what i always thought somewhere

along the line you’re

gonna pay for it

you know he’s got

three fucking

wives he’s got

three ex wives

that alone psychologically

is bullshit on

somebody everybody that i’ve ever met that sells just

fucked up their lives become fucked up and

they’re always

they’re always

sketchy to be around they’re always like

yeah well i was worried

about somebody robbing them

yeah cops catching

what’s the most interesting i

was paranoid

i don’t watch a lot of doug

drug documentaries and all that shit because

people always try to be bigger but i didn’t watch

a very interesting one

where they took a rocker out of england

it took them to columbia and showed them

what it takes to make a kilo of cocaine

from scratch

and they took this

motherfucker in the bunker with machine gun

whoa and this

motherfucker was

breaking down

i’ll never this


never did another line again

when he came back

spread the gospel that way how

what it takes to fucking

get that gramaco

what you’re

really doing to society what you’re really doing to

these people

some way you

gotta pay look at this

whole war now is

about heroin

you and i both know it’s a big

chunk of what this war is

about and no one wants to mention it nobody wants to

mention and you

bring it up and it

sounds like you’re a

wacky conspiracy theorist

but here’s the bottom line folks

90 plus percent of the

world’s heroin

comes from afghanistan

that is a multi

multi billion dollar business and if you think

these fucking industrialist


that are running the

world are gonna

leave that money behind you’re fucking crazy 90

dude they’ve got army

fucking united

states army

troops guarding

poppy fields wow

and it’s still coming in

yeah it’s still coming in it’s coming in like

crazy they’re helping

these people grow it

they’re helping

these people

grow it so that they’ll get us to the taliban

we have to gain their

trust heralda

rivera we talked

about this a

couple weeks ago on the podcast or last week

it’s real proven shit that’s going down

there’s fucking

so much heroin there

i mean it’s incredible the fucking

guy who is and we talked

about this last week as well but

just because

you guys are here the president of cia his brother

or the president of afghanistan brother his brother

was an employee of the cia

and his brother was a

known heroin dealer

his brother was selling heroin

and getting paid by the cia

just the fucking brother

of the president of afghanistan

if you don’t

think that there’s something

going on you’re

crazy why would they

leave that money

the fact that they’re willing to kill people

which we know they are

from money we know they’re willing to go to war with

countries that probably didn’t do shit and

there’s nothing

to gain there for america for freedom or for fucking

safety it’s just

cause there’s something

there that they want so now someone else is in control

instead of somebody in afghanistan

getting the

money we’re getting it

who knows i don’t know we

gotta be partners

someone we think we’re

standing over there for free

they go stand up

with the united

states like 20 percent

this is a garden

issue such a big lie that you even just talking

about it we

sound like idiots

that’s the amazing

thing about the idea that the government has sold drugs

it’s such a big lie

it’s so crazy that just

bringing it up and you’re like listen to this

crazy idiot saying that the government has sold drugs

and i’m not necessarily

against selling drugs

you know i’m not

i don’t need i’m think

fuck you can sell bullets why can’t

you sell drugs i’m not afraid of you selling bullets

i think you

should be allowed to sell bullets

i i believe in all that

stuff i mean i i

think we definitely need law enforcement need to

protect ourselves from people to

abuse shit and set up laws and be very strict

about shit like that but

i’m not for fucking controlling too much shit man

so i’m not scared of anybody selling drugs

or socialist

not really you social

it’s more libertarian

i think i’m a socialist i

think all drugs should be

legal even the ones i won’t do

but that’s not socialist

socialist is someone that

thinks that all the wealth

should be evenly distributed as well

you’re just a communist

and i think

that is the most dangerous fucking thing ever

i couldn’t imagine somebody in the car next to me

coked up or somebody on

heroin i just couldn’t imagine you

say that but it’s been proven in other

countries that it actually

lowers the addiction rates

lowers the rates of use

in portugal they’ve had no

drug laws in portugal for a

while they made

everything legal it decriminalized everything

and people have been doing it left and

right by the way that’s

going on in mexico as well do they have zoning laws

i don’t know

you want to

build there

no i’m saying

sell drugs like

right next to a

school and stuff

they probably

have some sort of restrictions i don’t know

i think what decriminalizing means is that it’s okay to

have it but you’re not supposed to be selling it

that selling it can be criminal but if you

have it then it’s okay how are you supposed to get it

well the idea

is that you’re not supposed to benefit or profit from

other people

being addicted to something that’s dangerous

so you could do dangerous

things if you want to on your own accord

figure out how to do it but if you

start selling it

that’s when you’re

in trouble which will make

sense to me

because that’s like sort of saying

you should have personal freedom but

the other person

should not be doing something

damaging to society willingly and knowingly

and if you’re selling heroin you’re doing something

damaging to society willingly and knowingly

so they get it you want

yeah you can

still get it

though you just don’t have to you just don’t sell it

see look the beautiful

thing about drugs

almost all the good ones people are willing to give you

you know that’s really how it

should be the coolest thing

about weed and potheads the number one thing

is everyone so

generous like

pundits are always

giving you here’s a cookie dude have this breast drip

you want to join here’s this dude

smell this who wants some

it’s always like everybody’s part of the

whole way that’s why

nobody give you know coke rocks

a good healthy drug

good healthy drug

is distributed

people give yeah

even mushrooms people give you mushrooms

people come to me give me mushrooms

after shows i’ve

never taken them

no the fuck kind of

this one dude

just gave me mushrooms once in san francisco

and he was this

weird creepy dude was just

sweat a little bit too much

just thinking probably

about me taking these

things and dying and

get the fuck out of here

bitch i ain’t taking your

crazy mushrooms you


but my point is that

any drug good enough to be taken

should be free

you should be

but you can’t get figure out

enough pot for free

why not you can

buy the seeds by the

by the fucking the shit grow so you got yourself you

can you grow

heroin yourself no it’s much more difficult so

you have to go to another climate

i don’t think you can grow heroin in this climate

i think that’s one of the

things to the bones

so you’re not really

good at that

i don’t know

you grew it in

hot tubs what

brian i think

cocaine is that way too you can’t grow cocaine

in the united states

it can’t be grown here

is that a mountain

thing too because i know that

the mountains altitude

they take it right

most people find it very very useful the actual

leaves like

cocoa leaves are actually healthier than coffee

and these people just chew the leaves

and they’re shepherds

and out there in the fucking mountains and shit

and they’re such a high altitude it gives them energy

hmm so it’s actually like a

beneficial plan it’s like a month

yeah it’s just when you get process

yeah you process it and

synthesize it and

break it down that’s when it’s like

well actually

a fucking central nervous

system like and then what i

understand is

the real big problem is what they mix it with

right right

and now especially now i

watch your thing

on 60 minutes

like a year ago

and it’s just bad

it’s coming into the country in batches and all

these people

last year was in the seattle

area really bad

did you tell me that

you’ve gotten some of that gasoline in it somehow well

the most important

thing is it’s not getting out of the country

is getting the ether

alcohol into columbia to wash it with when you

would get the cocaine with the ether if anybody watches

that’s a cocaine that people

dream about

it goes down like bubble gum you

you keep snorting it all

night because it tastes great that’s rockstar cocaine

rockstar shit then

what happened was they couldn’t get enough ether

so they start cooking it with gasoline and turpentine

you snorting this shit that smells like catfish

but it’s 4 in the morning you don’t give a

fuck you know what i’m saying

the next day your nose is red

your nose hairs are disintegrated for the

next generation

but it’s just

it’s just that

the addiction but the gasoline so what they

would do was

you get the gasoline

base to make

crack because nobody really cares

about taste

if you smoke and

crack you know what i’m saying yeah

so then they get the good shit to sell the

stuff for the ether

i told you we were talking

about this before we

started the podcast i stopped smoking out of pipes

because i think when you use a

lighter i taste that shit i

taste that lighter

fluid that’s just

nasty so think

about the gasoline

you’re snorting

yeah when i

started using

vaporizers and when i

started smoking joints i

started realizing like this

tastes better it just

doesn’t taste all fucked up

ideally i think you

should light a joint with a

match that’s probably the way to go

because even when you

light a joint

is that even good

it’s a match yeah cuz i got that was it’s all

for whatever

we have you ever

heard how you

should never

light something off a candle because supposedly

the little micro candle shit will get into your

lungs wax really yeah

i always wonder if that was a

you can get hippie

lie i touch a

cigarette to

a candle once in the wax got in it and just

i still smoked it but it took so long to

smoke see that’s

gotta be bad

right oh dude

you smoked some wax you’re

fucked you wax ass

smoke wax but yeah you promise you

light a joint then

that’s a whole joint you have lit yeah

commitment yeah but i push it

out i just pinch it out

whenever it’s done

you know when i’m done i just

break it off and then you get a roach

i like it better man i

think that fucking

those pipes are

bad for your

lungs man i

think those

cigarette lighters

constantly breathing

that shit in i can

taste it sometimes like that ain’t good

my doctor said use

vaporizer i love

when you take a nice bud you cut it with a scissor

nice you take a

paper and a half of that zigzag

you put that

motherfucker together your edge

right like a doctor

and you flap that

motherfucker put it in there roll that

motherfucker up

and let that thing dry

and when you

light it you hear the thing go

from all the shit burning inside

and that first two hit that

going on while you’re exhaling

you thinking of fucking

twice cooking port

you know i’m saying that’s how

you roll i love that that’s the original to me that’s

there’s no better

system than that

take your bombs your

vaporizer i’m

gonna live down ninety

fuck you there’s no better way than

a paper and a half yeah look look at the

shirt that motherfucker down and

blast off the shirt the

buddy my gaming look at this

a chick rolling a joint yeah very there’s

like there’s a ritual to that there’s something like

you don’t think

about it yeah you don’t put like

lighting a bong something

about hopefully

a chicken out like a

feminine man

i don’t care

dude i’ll let a ladyboy roll my joint i was

using a dollar bill and canada

i ain’t scared

set the earth man free bitches i’m not scared

i am not scared

lady boys can roll my joints all

day i high five

those bitches

i give them hugs i love all that i’ll feel

those weird hard tits

you ever give a dude who’s trying to be a girl a hug

and you feel the hard tits they have hard tits what

i have not so sad yeah

we had a couple on the man show

give them they give you a hug and

their tits are hard as a rock it’s like

they’re punching you in the chest the transvestite

sexuals transsexuals when they’re actually

going through

that we had a couple of them on the man show

really cool ones cool

one of them was fucking cool shit was her name gia

so what is it was i don’t know i

think it was

she i forgot

where her name is

she was super

super cool a

really fun person and she was a man that became a

woman got all snippy snippy son son

i don’t know if she had gotten snippy or she was

gonna get snippy

very nice person anyway she

should give us she was in one of the

sketches where

doug gets a hooker

and she’s uh

she has to go to the bathroom and

while she’s

doug looks in on her

while she’s in the bathroom and she’s

standing up and pissing at the toilet

and doug starts to so bravo goes hey wait

you know she really did piss

in the toilet standing up

so i guess she does have a dick but

she gives you a hug you know oh

thank you very much we had a

great time and when you feel em when you hug em

it’s like hard nipples

no the whole tit

it’s like it’s all fake

you know what i mean they don’t have any breast

tissue to work with like if a woman gets

breast augmentation she might have a b cup

she gets it pumped up to a c

and still it feels like a breast

but for a man it’s really just muscle

tissue and a bag of water

you know it’s fucking strange

i did comedy with one for a year and a half in seattle

rita ho with a

transsexual she looked like that fucking

thing like doom

she had a head and she put a wig on

and we send her like we go read it you want a

drink and she

would give her

like a 20 she’d go to the bar and we’d rob

her first she got

values in there

that’s rude little

pills then she’d come back

and we’d eat her pizza

and she’d have a

woman’s voice but when

she yelled at us you go back to a man’s put it down

it was fucking amazing

and you know

she died she hit her head she went out dancing one

night the head was big the equilibrium

that’s a true

story really

equilibrium her head but they left the head

still really fucking big like a man size head

oh my god how do you

trim the head

and she fell off a stage what

like the head

cause her head was too big as

her body shrank

like her hands

her body shrank up

so the head was too big

she was just

a big bobblehead that’s why she was taking all

those pills she was taking like perkins because

her head was too big for all

and she’d fall all the time

could you imagine

if your head was on like a little

woman’s body forget

about it forget

about it be

a fucking nightmare

i don’t wanna lose that no longer

wait i was getting headaches

for a couple days then

you know what i’m saying

fucking body can’t support your head

you can’t do it

these people lose a

bunch of weight

and also they got this fucking ginormous head

that’s so true

and you’re looking at them and they don’t

understand that fucking head is huge and

kenny craig don’t got nothing

for your fucking head nobody got

none for that

ain’t nobody got nothing

for that fucking man

what happens is your head develops a

size four hundred

pounds how about

ralphie how

about ralphie

like ralphie

his head alone

weighs a buck and fifty

look at this

it’s fucking

giant like my head it’s fucking huge that’s a

weird thing when you gain weight like

going to one weightlifters gain weight

to your head gets bigger your fucking shit gets one

you should see my helmet

you should see the hobbit oh my god let’s be gigantic

you that order it special

had to go like fucking uf nfl europe

only people in buddock in new jersey and part of europe

have heads this fucking big you follow me

it’s funny cause we were talking about this last night

about someone in jiu jitsu

class who’s talking about chicks who

are bodybuilders

they get in

large clitorises cause they just take massive amounts

of testosterone so high and their dicks grow

well you know they’re

what yeah they grow a clit their

clit actually becomes like a

small dick pussy but is it super sensitive

i don’t know it must be

super easy to find

a piece of calamari that tough shit that they sell like

that the improv

give me a calamari on a

thursday night the regular cooking

that’s all tough

it’s hard i’ve had hard

hits before we’ve had hard clips

hard fucking clips

when you go down on a

girl and you see a ring there a little

piece of metal you’re like oh

jesus anybody can hang out here

look you’re letting people fucking staple

like metal in here free parking yeah this is fucking

this ain’t a special place to be

you got a clit ring down there hooker

not only that what am i gonna do to you i’m

gonna damage you you’re willingly getting

metal shoved through your pussy

you crazy whore

but they these

these bodybuilders that

grow a clit

i don’t think it’s as big

i don’t think

they get as big a dose as when they’re trying to turn a

woman into a man

because when they turn a

woman into a man i

think they give a massive doses

more even probably than bodybuilding

this is just not lifting weight and so these

bitches grow

beards oh whoa

yeah they grow beards man

that’s one of the

weirdest thing

about the transsexual

female to male

they grow beards man they

start growing

facial hair and

shit you can beat on them once in a while

that’s it that’s it

the best part is the end

the the crazy

thing if you think about it is come

who doesn’t believe me or some dude with a wig and a

black eyes right science there’s probably a

connection with girls that have bigger

pussy boners and they have facial hairs i bet

yeah some kind of oh yeah

well any facial hair i

think it’s probably related to that you see

like a really brawny looking

woman there’s some some women

especially when they get

older that’s the other

thing about women when they get

older they start

their body produces more testosterone and guys are the

exact opposite

yeah they start producing more less

and more estrogen

i think it’s probably because

the women have to fight for

their fucking life once in the old days they became

useless when they couldn’t have children anymore don’t

women take that

shit pills once they hit manifest

some women do yeah

there’s a lot of controversy with that though

why you’re fucking with the balance of hormones and

you know it has to be done

right you gotta test your

blood all the time it’s very tricky

yeah you know

a lot of people just want to take pills and


gonna be groovy

you know i don’t know man

i think eventually what they’re

gonna figure out how to do is

keep all your hormone

levels exactly the same for the rest of your life

and then it’s

gonna be weird

then we get to find out like what makes

your body deteriorate is it hormones is it genetics

is it you know just some

stuff inside your genome and it

starts to fail

like how much can we stop that in our lifetime we

might see people live to be

150 200 years old in our lifetime

this might be the

first lifetime

where look at

sylvester stallone

i keep an eye on that


would you stop

he’s my canary in a coal

mine i’m obsessed

with that dude

64 years old he

swolled like a mother

cutting shit out and shooting

stuff in some way you

gotta pay for

i know i’m sure i just want to see how long you’ll

see when and how

this is fascinating to me okay

let’s say you’re abroad and you want to become a man

yeah and they give you all this


right roll how middle they take

helmet stick

no you grow a dick it

becomes one

the clit yes the clit is very similar

it’s very related to a penis

and as your

clitoris gets engorged with testosterone

as your body becomes engorged with testosterone

they’re shooting it like

i’m guessing it has to be big numbers because

they had private dicks it was a show i

think it was called

on hbo it was all

about dicks and they had this one

woman who is a

woman who’s turning into a man

and she said that it heard

her dick is

about the size of a thumb

which is bigger than any

bodybuilder girl

clint i’ve ever seen on the internet size of a thumb

a thumb that’s what she said

and she says it gets rock hard

it was fascinating

too till we

hear her talk

about how she thought she knew

what it was like to be a man

until they started

shooting her up with testosterone

she’s like wow

you know one of the

things she was talking about was

when you have a raging

hard on like how little in control you really are

she goes i had no idea she was i had no idea

but when you

would they interviewed her and they were talking

about you know she got a boner and

was like wow because your clit gets hard and

how obsessive she was with just fucking she said

you know primal

and she was talking

about how a guy with a raging hard on she’s not

gonna listen

like they just want to fuck

you know that it’s like

it’s like it takes over like certain areas of your

brain she didn’t know like really you

could have taken over like that

it’s a very interesting

thing you know i

wouldn’t wanna be a

woman but i

would fucking

if we could like

switch if you could like

enter into a

woman’s brain for a few

hours and wander around and see what it’s like

you know say all

right it’s like you know you

gonna do mushrooms for a few

hours or i’m

gonna take a pill and i’m

gonna be a woman for a few

hours i’m gonna feel what that feels like

that’s gotta be so strange

their balance

their whole balance of life is so different than ours

everything about it

and i think it takes us

until we’re like

much much much

older until you date a

bunch of different

chicks until

you see a bunch of different old

women who are kind of cool and

you try to get together like a kind of

sense of what it is to be a woman

they’re like a totally different species than us man

they’re totally different species that we live

side to side with you know

we don’t have a fucking clue as to how they feel

and they don’t have a fucking clue as to how we feel

but we wanna fuck them

and because of that

they want us to be a certain way

and that’s one of the problems in this country

one of the problems

in this country is it’s difficult to get laid

and a lot of guys decide to change who they are

because they want a

woman to like them

that’s the pacification of america

a big part of it is

doing what the

chick wants to do

because you want to fuck yeah

and they don’t know what you’re like they don’t really

understand what it is to be you they have no idea

like sometimes i’ll get

upset at something

my wife just

doesn’t understand

i’m like you don’t

understand because you’re not a dude

okay if you’re a dude you’ll

understand and i

understand i don’t

understand shoes

and i don’t

understand bags

the best is that like an alternative comedy

party when you’re

talking to a girl and you’re like arguing or something

yeah just in a

normal way and some one of the little nerds comes over

came here and shouldn’t talk to girls that

way and it’s like

oh you don’t realize i’m

gonna have sex with her later

yeah and you’re

you’re like

yeah cocksucker

trying to be the good guy side

based on nothing you don’t even know what we’re talking

about that is the weakest shit ever

i almost got in a fistfight with a guy in manhattan

who was a bartender

around the oj

trial you know

this guy was the most

self righteous

cunt i think

about that guy

still to this day

and all he was trying to do was impress the waitress

man i was talking to the waitress and something came up

about the oj trial

right and she said well oj

did that and he beat the shit out of his wife

and i said well not necessarily

i go i don’t know exactly what he did to his

wife but they

might have been

physical with each other

i’ve had friends who’ve had relationships

where their wife

would hit them and they would

fight back he

would have to defend her and then the cops would come

and then he

would get arrested with assault and battery

i’ve known people

where that’s happened

well i said that

and all i said was well all we

know is that there was some sort of restraining order

and so the fucking bartender goes

that’s exactly

right that’s what you heard

and that’s what it is

and the only way you get that one is if you

abuse women and

and i was like oh god are you fucking kidding me

i go dude what i’m saying is you

weren’t there and there could i’m

i’m pretty sure he probably killed his wife

but i don’t know you don’t know either man you

weren’t there

like do you really know all the this is like

while the case was going on

while the trials going on before he was convicted

this guy was like ready to fight me

i don’t know where

because he wanted to impress this girl

with how much he

supports women

and how much like this

defends women so cheesy because they can’t

nobody could sell it

don’t do it guys at home this guy pleased

at me and yelled at me i

still remember him to this day

i still remember

him to this day because i’m like this is absurd

like this is the most

ridiculous joke

like i don’t

you i don’t know you you don’t know me i’m a nice guy

and all of a

sudden you’re yelling at me because you

think that i support

some guy beating the fuck out of his wife like wow

and all just try to be captain here he’s trying to take

pushed you into a corner was

like i am not

with this at all i’m

against this you’re like i wasn’t even saying

i’m yeah well

exactly he’s looking for a fight

because why

because i was a

comic and i

was talking to the waitress and he was a bartender

and he probably wishes he was a

comic but can’t really pull it off

maybe his axe and

know maybe models or whatever

it was just some new york douchebag

just wanted to be like you know

captain liberal save a hoe

and jump in and

look like a fucking

superhero but the point is

that shit only

exists because we don’t

understand each

other oh if you

could you could

understand what it’s like to be a

chick man you

would go all

right if they can

understand what it’s like to be us

then they would just

kind of recognize like my dog i don’t try to stop my

dog from licking his balls because that’s what he does

okay it was my my son and he’s fingering

his asshole and sucking on his fingers i’d be like hey

what the fuck dude

this is crazy you

gotta go to a doctor

you know but it’s a dog i don’t

understand dogs man i just let it go

i’m a girls get

super dramatic over nothing you’re like me

that’s who you are just

go whatever i just tell you i love you give me a hug

okay i’m gonna go watch tv

let’s not get

crazy i’m always gonna be

me you’re always

gonna be you

all right let’s just

figure the shit out you can’t try to change me though

you know how many dudes you ever talk to

where they say i like to do that but my wife

doesn’t let me anymore

what your wife wants you to be a bitch

your wife wants you to be something it’s not even you

yeah i can’t go to

jiu jitsu anymore wife

doesn’t let me like what are you talking

about you can’t go to

jiu jitsu because your wife

doesn’t let you

what kind of

a relationship do you have with your keeper

some weird person is always

weird when you

hear that yeah what does she do she gives you

pussy and so

you don’t do your favorite

things in life and your hobbies that’s nonsense

what kind of a person

would want you to

could you imagine saying to a

chick hey i don’t want you doing yoga anymore i

think it’s bullshit

the yogas for fucking

idiots why what

was the reason for not letting the guy do jiu jitsu

she didn’t like him getting involved in like

fighting and being around all

those guys and

you know she can’t say that

yeah she just thought that they had like

bad attitudes and they were you know rough men

yeah she didn’t want them being around rough men

she was like you hurt yourself you’re

gonna hurt yourself

again you can’t do this

i don’t know what it was man but she put the kabosh

on it and you know you meet the guy and he’s like this

shell of a man

know hanging around with this

woman who he probably

doesn’t even like to fuck anymore

you know and she won’t let him go to

jiu jitsu i

gotta run it past my wife oh

let me get back to you because i

gotta run it past my wife had a guy in dallas

he was one of these guys

who would say something you and like do like that

i’d like to do some weed

but my wife won’t let me

i like to do some weed

he was appointed one of those dudes

he met one of

those guys i ain’t man i’m with you

i’m with you buddy

he would always point and say shit but i would

never forget that dude my wife will let me

that’s how i got my vaporizer don carlos in

the taco shop down there because i’m getting

married she doesn’t want me to whoa

she said only edibles

i was like that’s hilarious this is so weird

that’s hilarious my wife gets

weird she hasn’t been with smoke weed in a long time

because of the babies

because she had she

basically went from one baby to the next

you know and the ones two and

a half years old and she was breastfeeding for a year

and then right

after that she’s pregnant

again with another

one so she hasn’t had any weed in any of that time

yeah so like you know like just like little

things that she’ll say

she’ll come home

does it smell like weed is that what i

smell i’m like

yeah yeah you know i was doing a podcast that

smoke constantly the fuck question is that

don’t you you try to pretend i’m somebody i’m not

because they want they want you to be you know hi

honey i’m home i’ve got my

briefcase and

let me take off my

loafers and it’s also

where are the children

bring around

she can’t smoke so she feels bad yeah well no

it’s not that she feels bad no no no it’s this nesting

baby protection

she just doesn’t want me to go crazy

she doesn’t want me to be a

crazy person and wind up doing drugs i’m

going to the amazon i’ll be back in

three months

you have some person like me

think about

how irresponsible i am how fucking

crazy i am and

i am the father of your children okay i’m your

your you know

i’m their daddy

so i’m the one

who has to be around and provide and keep a

stable life and

raise them correctly and

they’re already

swearing really

swearing the little one two and a half

she says shit all the time wow like the other day

i got a balloon for her man i was

so pissed and

i got at the

supermarket she was so

excited it was a princess balloon

all these princesses on it

and it was attached to a string

and i pulled it out of the trunk

and a string unraveled

and it flew away

you know it was a helium balloon

and i go damn it

and she goes

damn it damn it

like she immediately

does what i do she’s two and a half

the other day she was trying to get into this bouncy

thing that her little

sister has one of

those little

things you get in

it’s on springs

and she can’t get in so she got one foot in it she’s

going shit shit

when you watch a

two and a half year old go shit

i’m just glad it wasn’t a balloon not joke

yeah what your wife is true

she just looks at me and i’m like

fuck that’s what you’re supposed to say

what you want your foot gets

stuck that’s what you’re supposed to say she

was you know

doesn’t want me to swear around the kids

it’s not a good idea to swear around oh

no no no i mean i don’t i don’t i really

try to keep

cause i don’t want them to have trouble with other kids

i swear in front of you oh yeah

fucking mine too mine my

not only did mine swear in front of me

they never stopped me from swearing never

like when people when i would go over people’s

houses and shit

i would go over kids

i would like to curse

my yeah oh dude i would care i would

curse over people’s

houses and their parents would not want to hang out

with never allowed to curse

really yeah if kids cursing

you guys yeah they wouldn’t dude i was

i was raised like a wolf

i was like left in the woods my parents

were fucking

i don’t remember one piece of advice from my

childhood not one not one

and everyone was always allowed to

swear you know my my stepfather was a big hippie

and so because of that like

you know he didn’t like to put like

borders and boundaries on shit

so we’d go over people’s houses

like this fucking show what are you watching this for

and the parents

would look at me and the mom would look at me like

like they’d have me

over for cookies and shit and hang out with this kid i

would swear

right in front of

their parents

i just wouldn’t even

think twice

about it you

would think it was normal no

but like what kind of fucking show is this like

rob i pulled me aside once because you the words suck

whoa yeah like

that show sucks seems like what come here

you have a talk it’s like why do you say

things like that i’m like

i don’t i didn’t realize it was a bad

thing it sucks

what do you

think i come from i don’t know sucks

what do you mean yeah sucks what i’m like i don’t know

what you’re talking

about it’s crazy

lava lamp in here

to join exactly an hour ago

right now it’s in

full steam i remember

going to some cuban people’s

houses lord

as new years nice nice cuban people lord has ramos

nice decent you walk in

cross up there

and the mother was fucking banging

really i was like in the

sixth grade the mother was banging

and as we were leaving i turned to lord as

rom was his mother go hey

you should get dressed up

maybe you should go out and get a little fucking pop

dog the next day the lord has

came in she goes you’re not allowed to have my fucking

block nobody has

ever talked to my mom like that not even her husband

husband died and i

told him mom you looking fucking good i was like in the

sixth grade

so you just didn’t know you

weren’t allowed to say something no

my mom you know

so for you it was just being


yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah

you know as i was growing up my mom used to always say

compliment women

let them know how beautiful they look like i’m one time

what did she say to you though

how did she react

the mother yeah she was frozen

so sixth grade is what how old is that 13 12 12 11

we were over there to

go like we want to go to a play we all went over there

right and i’m looking at the mom

the whole time

this cuban bitch bang

i didn’t even

have hair on

my cock i just had the dick without the skin

without the hair

but you’re already

getting hard on how do you remember whether or not

you’re waking up with that hard dick i didn’t get hair

i don’t even have hair on my legs i’m one of

those people

so i think that’s

weird i was

like 15 i’m

gonna have gorilla but i didn’t have hair

towels that’s

weird that you don’t have much

hair nothing

like people

think you maybe you shave your arms

no you don’t you just don’t have hair

i didn’t have hair on

my dick i didn’t take a shower with boys that was

like 15 i’d be the one in the corner with a towel on

i had no hair

wow no hair so i had no hair but i’d get so horned out

and i told her

this once i said you’re banging bitch

you should get

dressed up and get some dick

this lady looked at me and

fro did you actually say dick or is it binga fuck yeah

really fuck you

i could you say it in spanish yes

in spanish who said

tell me how you

would say to in the spanish oh yeah

that means that you looking good

don’t know what it says just say it

gary has like slang word for pinga

pinga is like modest copy i’m taking you over the top

it’s like juggling buckle out

that’s like

this lady was like a catholic

cuban i blew her fucking helmet

right off with that that’s

what was crazy was in my house growing up

that’s bananas my mom and her

girlfriends would talk about that crazy shit

about eating

pussy really your mom and her

girlfriends would talk about eating pussy they

were playing

cards on tuesday night and talk about eating

pussy talk about eating

pussy when you get older let me see your tongue

go like that when you’re talking i would show get

the fuck out of here when i was a kid my mom on tuesday

nights they get fucked up

and they’d make me

dance with like tidy whities on for a bunch of

women they put on la

woman by the doors

and i’d shake my hips and my mom would say dolly

hamong which means give him ham

you when you

go like this and make your dick go back and forth

give him ham yeah

give him how long

that’s an expression

when you you wear no

underwear i

guess no i had on

back and i was like five and six your

mom is actually

asking you to slap your dick back before like give them

ham like give him ham like that

and then they

would all give me booze

and i pass out and i wake up the next morning fuck

yeah my mom was the shit like that oh my god that photo

you had on your myspace page of you when you were real

young dancing

where is that

photo i have it at the house

is it on your myspace page still

i think it’s on myspace page i

gotta save that i don’t have that

picture it’s a

great picture

that’s a great picture

that’s you like

it’s so funny because even

though i can see that’s like what do you like 10 in the

picture how

old are you

10 12 yeah i’m looking at

i knew it i can see it’s you i see your personality

the whole thing you as a kid in a

suit right in a suit yeah and the

funny thing was the rest of that album

i’m making out with a girl

at my 12th birthday

my mom had a friend

named puerto ricans

and they used to try to always hook us up and shit

i already didn’t

even get laid till it was like 24 no no

they made us

take pictures like this 12

they made us take

pictures like this

what i had already like eating the

pussy and shit and fuck them before that

cause we used to sleep over

house when we were kids

and she had hair on a

pussy tons of hair

she had to be a year or two

older than me and our

parents kept trying to hook us up so when we got

older we fall in love

so on the weekends i

sleep on the

couch and she

sleep in the bedroom and i go in

there they live in the bronx

and she show me a

pussy and i eat her

pussy the next day i

touch her stomach because i thought she was pregnant

i would always

think i got her pregnant that’s how fucking crazy

her name was yvette

rivera we just come inside if

you’re out there facebook me you

dirty freak

facebook because if you were sucking

dick at 12 you’re an animal now you know i’m saying

you got a fang with fucking

metals on it you dirty

hawks probably done

blowing you at

twelve she didn’t blow me at twelve

she let me eat her

pussy and i

think i remember like fucking them but then i

would just pass out because when you’re at

twelve and you’re fucking

your central nervous

system just gives out

you just tap

out you hear shit but you don’t know what’s happening

and they say

you okay yeah that’s what it’s like a doors movie

they ask are

you okay yeah i’m okay you don’t know fucking my

sister caught me once with my

pants around my ankles

face down on the bed

and the swimsuit

issue the sports soldier

swimsuit issue at

right above my head just out past ass out

how old were you the first time you got some pussy

actual pussy yeah

i think it was like 15

i had like some fooling around

well the weirdest thing was when i was 13

there was this chick who was 21

she was a grown woman man

a grown woman

and she used to play softball with us

this is when i lived in jamaica plain

jamaica plains a sketchy area of boston

it’s a lot of real poor people and

people are fucking nuts

and this broad

her name was jeanette

she had this boyfriend who is a construction worker

and she was

twenty one man she was a hot little piece of ass

and her construction

worker boyfriend was a man and he’s a hairy chested

big fucking man

and i would see this guy

you know the guy

would be like working and

would think well you know this if

this is her boyfriend you know that’s a boyfriend like

you know that there’s no way she’d

be interested in me a 13 year old boy like this is

ridiculous i’m like a little

child and well

coming home from fucking

playing softball

somehow or another we all

wound because we all

would hang out on this one

street that i lived on

you know it

was like a real neighborhood you know people would

play stick ball on the

street and people

would run around and play hide and go seek

and all kinds of

crazy shit a lot of

young kids lived in this one area

and it was pretty nuts

she invites me over

you wanna listen to some pink

floyd okay yeah

so we’re listening to comfortably numb

and all of a

sudden she starts making out with me like i had

never kissed a girl before ever so i went from

no nothing no

never ever anywhere

to all of a

sudden this 21 year old

is sucking my tongue and she’s

grabbing my dick and i’m like whoa and i totally

could not get it up

not even a little nervous

total panic

total like what is happening

why is this

woman kissing me

like what is going on

and then we fooled around like a

bunch times more

after that but it was

never yeah it was

never like sex i

never fucked up

it was just

jerk my dick off and shit wow

so it wasn’t

until i was like i

think i was 15

my girlfriend was 14 it was

crazy to think that people fucking 14

but she wasn’t even a virgin

wow yeah she had fucked some other guy

that’s amazing

and she didn’t want to

admit it she

would be like

well we kind of did it sort of but not really

here’s my rule girls always do that it sort of didn’t

count didn’t

count and i’m like

if a stranger did it to you

would you count that as rape

yeah right good

point yeah then that shit counts

rape is just

going around just

sticking it in for half a

stroke and leaving

said no i didn’t do it well this girl i think she

might have fucked my friend too

the the first guy i had sex with i

think she might

fuck my friend cause she

definitely made out with them

cause she was like with him first

and then you know back then people go

oh i don’t like bob anymore i like mike yeah

wendy’s a bitch i’m

tired of wendy i’m

gonna you know this girl

you know like people would like

go back and forth you know what

the fuck you were doing

you were playing relationship you know

the first relationships that

i ever had like you didn’t know what the fuck to do

he didn’t know how to behave around them the

whole thing was

weird like to get some

stuff you don’t know why or when

right and all i wanted to do once we

started fucking

was fuck constantly

constantly five times a day

just fuck everywhere

i didn’t do anything else i stopped working out

i stopped playing

sports i stopped doing

everything for

months it took like

i had to go back to my taekwondo instructor

he was yelling at me

he’s like where have you been

i got left back

pussy taught me up so

bad you got left back in

sixth grade

wow that’s how good that

pussy was it’s charlie i went to summer

school and then tap out on summer

school you can only miss

three times i couldn’t take it

i get up in the morning my head would be

ready to fucking explode

i’d watch her

mother i would

stalk the mother

really soon as i see the

mother’s car

going around fucking charles

court you’re running there like fucking batman

after a fucking

my first girlfriend the problem was my

first girlfriend was hot

she was hot and she was a freak

and there’s some girls that

are like fourteen and fifteen and they look like women

and this girl look she looked like

women she dressed in little mini

skirts and high high heels and shit and

she was a dirty bitch

she just came from a single family

household and

those girls

like a single parent

like if you live with just your mom

like girls who just live with

their mom like a lot of them

it seems they they grow up with some sort of an

extra need for male attention oh

extra need for male acceptance and

validation and ain’t nobody home at

three o’clock yeah this girl just had

to go five the

tour that ass up she

just wanted to suck honk

and fuck all the time she was a

freak she wants

to what’s wrong with you listen to

i’d like to suck my dick in

movie theaters like anything really

would you fuck

what was your favorite song

the fuck that

oh mostly it was like

yeah oh here

i go again oh yeah here i go

put it on again

it’s actually the def

leppard days i

think i was into def

leppard back

yeah maybe pour some

sugar on me or something but this

girlfriend was a cool girl you know she was the

first girl her name is bethany

she was the

first girl that i ever

like listened to richard

pryor tapes with we would

sit in my bedroom

and giggle listen to

these tapes

it was crazy man it was like

that was the

first person

that was like not a dude that was like my friend

you know and we just bang all the time like constantly

it was like this person that you like

that’s not a guy

and it’s a girl and all of a

sudden a girl

is in your life all the time like your whole life

there’s been no girls in your life i’ve got no


might had like one or two

along the way

there’s like girls that were nice that i went to

school with that

i would you know talk to or hang out with

after school

but you know for the most part is a

bunch of dudes in my life and all

sudden there’s some girl and you’re just fucking

so you go from no sex at all

to all the sudden just fucking constantly

whenever you want

fucking savagery man

those hormones man when when you’re

when people don’t understand

the concept of sixteen year old dick

that you are on a drug man that’s a

heavy super powerful

super addictive

drug that’s physically when you’re supposed to breed

yeah yeah you

should be making a baby

right then for sure i was trying to make a baby

got so lucky man

so lucky oh

you know that

you get super fucking

horny oh my god

that’s all obsessive

mind you know i’m saying red band

red band sitting over there

silent over in the corner like fucking

he’s reminiscing he’s

like precious

his father’s

shot about a hundred

fifty loads this week he’s feeling kind of tired

i do it he’s back

but between masturbation

and all the sex you’ve been having you freak

what’s sex guys come on

what are you saying

why you sound like the apollo 11 astronauts in the

post flight press i

spent the last two days in yeah

48 hours yeah

shoot our loads

yeah you’ve been in bed

with an iv attached

the bed to keep you rehydrated from all the fucking

milky white loads you

shoot it was

a drink too much friday like

so much that i couldn’t get out of bed for two days

it’s saturday

or sunday or

monday friday and saturday

really yeah

where’d you go dog

to hell to hell

narnia narnia

actually my friend’s a manager bev

mount i just can’t

nobody gets drunk like you

huh nobody gets drunk like you

you get drunk

who else gets

drunk i think people get

drunk just like me but not when they’re 36 right

you know when you’re 18 they’re definitely

drinking more than me

the saddest thing i was in

vegas and i was sober and i ran into this

chick that i

know used to be a ring card girl and she was

super super drunk

yeah slop is

just like a weird

thing really

you’re sober and someone else is not

like hey how you doing how are you

and they just like

yeah by the way

if you see people outside of a pink

floyd concert that you know

please don’t assume

that they’re just fine yeah

you know don’t just hey man i

haven’t seen you in a

while just fucking say hi and walk away the fuck

going yeah no please

what happened

people say hi but it’s like

i can’t talk

to you right now

i was supposed to

be cool i thought you ran into somebody no

i wanna give you a fucking

hit beat yeah

it’s a very


thing when you’re intoxicated and the

other person isn’t

yeah you feel like an asshole such a

loser whether i’m

drunk or whether i’m stoned

i always feel like a real

idiot if i’m

drunk or coped up i feel like an idiot

yeah if i’m

stoned i feel bad for the

other person

fuck you if it’s two in the afternoon

and you ain’t high go fuck yourself get out of my face

i want you around

me like i want cancer my ball sack and i’m saying

you’re gonna come around here

looking at me with your fucking white eyes

thinking that you know i’m

gonna i’m gonna reform go fuck yourself

my morning starts at 5 30 am

either you’re there or you’re square

you know i’m saying

it’s true that’s my new signature on the ro good

board it’s if it’s 2

00 in the afternoon

you ain’t high go fuck yourself go fuck yourself

shame on you

bitch you’re slipping

you’re slipping

you listen are

you scared even

if you have a fucking day

unless no no no no

i want to give a

shout out to

the american people out there that work back

to get piss test

you people got a

i’m writing

about that i’m

right respect

you guys i really do respect you guys

i see people they come up to me so so like

great to see you and they like talk to me

about weed and i

asked them if

you want to

smoke and they look at me with this pain in

their soul yeah

but i understand your pain so you guys

don’t listen

to the shit i love

you know the

other fucking


and democrats

that walk around all day i don’t get high till

after work go fuck yourself

lunch time is i don’t mind you want to go that

night and feel the fucking atmosphere

and see what’s

going on you don’t want to run in there high into a

an emergency you know i’m saying

into a four eleven

if i want but

at 12 o’clock

when you slip out for

lunch you gotta come with the kit visine lifesavers

along come with

the kit yeah a one

hit that orange spray yeah

get that orange

spray and you do two hits of the pipe

and i don’t give a fuck what you

cover right here

is there just

weed killings did

i ever tell you what about

orange what orange chronic chronic

yeah definitely

but that’s great

i got too high one time and i got you

know the part

where you’re like

panic attack e

and i was dating

katie at the time

and i’m like

katie i think

i need you guys to call the

ambulance i’m too

stoned my heart’s

not pounding too hard

she goes you’re fine you’re fine you’re just

stoned i’m like no please call the ambulance

and so they were

coming over and i had a big bottle of that and my house

smelled like weed so i

sprayed the

whole bottle because i was so scared to

call the ambulance

to the house too yeah

how many times

it’s a payment plan with the hospital

so how many times do you call the ambulance

bro this is

true that i

know of if it’s a

story because i don’t want it to be guomi

so ralphime guam so

so i spray a

whole bottle because i’m so

stoned and paranoid i didn’t want

to get in trouble

and so they come in here

and they’re like you’re fine you know your heart’s a

little racing whatever you’re

fine you’re probably fucked up from all this orange

spray because it was so

strong that they had to put masks on

it was too strong

and i was too

stoned to realize i

can’t believe you’ve called hospitals

twice you’ve called an

ambulance because you were too high

what i mean there’s a big

thing like when

i was a kid i had to take stress tests i had this

thing where i

would run around and blow

black out for

no reason and doctors have no idea why what

so i used to have to do whoa

whoa whoa whoa explain that

what happened so

it used to happen

like maybe four times when i was

a kid one time when i was running through the snow i

black out i wake up

and i’m all laying on the ground

second time

i’m riding my bike i fall off my bike for no reason i

blacked out

and there’s been there was like a couple different

times like that so they used to make me you just

blacked out

while you were riding a bike yeah so

they didn’t know why so they made me do the stress test

where they put these

things all over your body and you had to run

this treadmill for like an hour or something like that

and yeah and they

said we have no idea what’s

wrong with you

you know then i’ll

black out again and all this

but then it just stopped happening

and the only time it happens now is like when

you jerk off no no when you’re you know when you’re

drunk and you wake up real

quick to go to the bathroom and you

start going okay i

stood up too

quick and yeah i get that all the time yeah yeah

blood pressure from

blood pressure that’s just being hammered well

it happens more when you’re

drunk because of your

blood pressure pot accentuate

so anyways i

think when i was a kid that used

to always happen all the time and so then i was

extra paranoid with my

heart like just

freaks out all the time like they said that my

heart extra

not used to tell people i have

yeah baboon heart

i tell the ladies

i have a baboon

heart so i tell the girls

you should do a lot of cardio then

huh shouldn’t you like have a healthy

strong heart or the

exact opposite

yeah how does that work

i don’t want to use my

heart at all you know

is that the

case though what do they tell you what a doctor said

they have no idea whatever they

never found out what happened whoa

yeah but now it

doesn’t happen it’s not like i’m

blacking out anywhere you know so good

right but that’s why i

think in the past you know i get really big my heart

starts going

crazy a little bit different than

maybe wow okay

so it’s so freaky that you

think that you

might be having a

heart attack

right because when i was a kid ever

since i was like eight

i’ve had fucked up shit

yeah at this

point so you should

give you a hug

this story i

feel like i want to give you

a hug i feel like you’re a little kid that needs a hug

it’s like it’s like his mind’s playing trick song

i’ve seen somebody pass out from weed we were

in new york we’re filming fear factor

and there was a

bunch of people from the crew

we’re all hanging out

and there’s this nice lady from production

and she you know we all had a beer too and we’re all

out there in the street

so i go you guys want to get high

and they look at

me like what do you got what do you got i got a joint

i go i got some real shit you

wanna get high

and they’re like okay let’s do it

they’re just being

crazy i can’t believe we’re doing this

they just weren’t the type of people to get high we’re

gonna smoke on the street all

night if they do they don’t get high a lot

they might do it

every now and then at a

party or so

and so i pass

this joint around and they take like two hits each

you know which you don’t realize if you give

up for that medical

california medical

grade weed is

that’s like an

alien organism that takes over your entire body and

transports you to a nearby

dimension i

started smoking with the guy it was like half a hit was

so much do you remember maguire

remember when maguire

freaked out at the comedy

store and was

absolutely convinced someone dose the weed

brian i convinced that

he was like

those guys like

pete you’re

like oh he must have done something that weed

like i smoked it too he

never did anything

about weed some

other guy that guy that was from

texas and i

smoke that joint

too so i you know we had to tell

maguire no it’s just really good weed there’s no way

weed isn’t this strong

just don’t wait

i’m telling you man i’m telling you man i

think there’s a problem i

think there’s a real

genuine problem

i was like really

freaking out because he

doesn’t get high and chris is you know he’s a

small guy so

he was smoking with joey and me and

we’re hitting that weed

you know and whoo

two three hits if you’re a real rookie so this

chick we’re all out we’re all passing the joints around

they’re all freely to you want another one you sure all

right get in there look at you

second hit her eyes roll back in her head

and she just collapses

right there on the fucking sidewalk man and almost

cracked her head off a pole

we had to catch her

we were right there like luckily

her legs gave out

i thought she was kidding

i thought she was like whoa this weed so strong

but no her eyes rolled behind her head and she went


like what is it

about your body that wants you to shut off

what kind of a

lack of self preservation does your body have

think about that shit

you get hit you get hurt

your body wants to shut off you

smoke some weed

you get too high

i think your body’s just not used to it’s like if you

went back in time and

saw yourself like you know when

michael j fox went back and saw himself and they both

fainted and

freaked out you know your mind just

shuts off because it’s too much

shock it’s like bam you’re

you know you just the

first time you take hair when

you barf well i don’t buy that because you’re

saying that you never

blacked out when you were on acid an acid

sounds way crazier than that if anything

should make you

black out it’s that no you won’t

it’s a smoke

i think you’re too

awake with the

acid you can’t

sleep for 12

hours shaun

i said the last

thing you want to do is sleep

right but that’s what i’m saying

but it’s insane

experience right

it’s like so overwhelming no

because i mean

every time i

black out it was out of the blue

i was just riding my bike bam

i was just running in the

you know snow

well that’s that you had a

weird condition when i’m talking

about like smoking weed or

drinking or something like that like

or even getting hit

like what a weird

thing it is that if you get hit and hurt

your body wants to just shut off

how’s that gonna help you

exactly it’s

gonna make you feel less pain as this animal is eating

right yeah absolutely yeah

as his animal as you’re getting crushed

deer is always

gonna accept the death

really yeah

you see them like they run they

run the kick and then it’s like they just lie there

you know that’s how native americans used to catch deer

before they invented

spears and even bows and

arrows they

would run after them

until the deer

would give up and die

yeah they still do it in some

parts of africa it’s like some sort of

what i do with bitches joe

just run after them

that’s my dog

that’s why they’re all wearing high heels and

skirts you can’t

maneuver with that kind of outfit on ho

they they do it in some parts of africa it’s like a

rite of passage you know you go

after an antelope

and fucking run that

bitch down to the

thing dies of fatigue

and then they stab it

wow yeah they run with a knife

carry it back yeah and then when the

thing gives

up and they just go over and fucking stab in the

heart and that’s a wrap

it just gives up

doesn’t can’t run anymore

do you think in africa

that is africa that has so much

food so much

aids right like most people

much like like it’s like

75 you said

like they have the most

conditions yeah yeah

but it’s like 75

aids there or something like that right

it’s crazy big well i don’t know what it is but

there’s a lot of aids so if you didn’t have aids you

would have the aids

right except

that no one likes

75 percent of

the people had aids that’s like the norm so

if you don’t have aids you have the aid so people are

looking out the window good look at him he looks like

he wears protection

you know like

would it be backwards world in

africa well

there’s a lot of debate when it comes to aids in africa

and the debate a lot of it is on what is

how do you define

aids do you

define aids by someone who has a

wrecked immune

system and what is that immune

system wrecked from can’t you just look

at it actually

is it actually

wrecked from hiv

is it wrecked from

other disease or is it

wrecked from

massive malnutrition

you know these people are like really

in terrible environments as far as like

clean water and

and food and

nutrition and there’s a lot of people that are

dying of all sorts of

crazy shit and i

think a lot of it gets lumped in as aids

you know there’s nothing there’s a lot

of issues so it’s not just hiv and hiv is certainly an

issue in africa

i mean there’s some insane amount of people have it

and on top of that

one of the ways

they try to cure it is they try to kill albinos

and they do

witchcraft and shit

with albinos fuck a virgin

and fuck virgins yeah fuck a virgin you get rid

of aids virgins have aids

they believe that yeah you can get rid of yeah

so do you have a rape on 12 year old

yeah it’s kind of urgent

i mean we talk

about africa so

often because if you want to get online

start tweaking

and weirding out

about the state of the

world go look at africa man africa is

i think i’m

not going to africa man no

got no desire

we talked to

ufc going to africa

i don’t think so

probably i can say

that talk about us

going to brazil man

rossi just talking

about we’re

definitely going back to to

australia we’re

going all over the fucking

place on cool

there was a real bad decision at the last year of see

man’s talking

about and that’s bullshit that is one of the

that’s just

ridiculous i like how you

your speech though that was fucking awesome

perfect it’s exactly what i

think most people were thinking

i said that we have to get rid of some of these

judges that you said

during the what during another fight

oh well during the middle of the

fight i was talking

about the last fight

it was such a bad decision i’ve never had

that many people

screaming bullshit like the

whole crowd was

screaming bullshit

they were all pissed

you know there was very few people

cheering it was like obviously namfam won

even the fighter was like i know i lost yeah

i did the who

doesn’t say you lost now though

oh he doesn’t now

he thinks he won

some of the post

about interview

i did way more damage

oh yeah what’s the

what’s the count like

those websites that deal all the counts

and we beat them by

a considerable margin on the

counts of like connecting

and also you know it’s not

not just that it’s like

the second round was so overwhelming for that dude

there’s a bunch of issues

one of the issues is the actual scoring

system that they have in place

is taken from boxing and it’s not a good scoring

system the 10

point must system because

there’s a guy

named doc hamilton

and he’s a referee who has

a really or he’s a

judge rather and he was a

referee as well

and he has a good idea and it’s a half

point system

and what that

system would be like say

like the first

round of nan fan and

and leonard garcia

you would say nam fan won but how

closely did he win it and

maybe half a

point give him a half

point but the

second round

he took him down he beat him up like the

second round was pretty

clear so you give him a full

point for that round

and then the

third round who won that

round well you know

i could see a debate either way

and that would be a half

point round as well that gets rid

of people like barely losing two rounds

crushing another round

and getting lost

which is like

cheat and rampage was a perfect example

you know a lot of people gave rampage

to the first two

rounds because he pushed the fight

but but the

third round was

clearly machida because he did a

bunch of damage and he took rampage down

so rampage would

maybe get half a

point for each of the first

and then there

would be a third

round machita

would get a full

point for that round

and then what

would happen is if it was a draw

which it would be in that case

they would rely on a fourth judge

who only calculates damage

so the fourth

judge through the

whole fight like say if you take him down you

get him in side control that’s x amount of points and

and if you hit him

with a leg kick that makes him wince that’s x amount of

points and he tallies all this up

while the fight’s going on

so this guy

doesn’t have to decide who wins each round

all this fourth guy is doing is there more

damage yeah who’s

doing more damage and then

how would they judge

almost got a rear

naked choker almost got so they would

do what’s called damage they

would do what’s called a

catch and they used to do this in japan

when a guy was really close to

landing a submission

like say if he got the back

got the hooks in

he’s over the chin

but he’s trying to

choke the guy and it’s not

quite in yet it’s called

catch and what

catch is like it’s really

close it’s really close

like this is a near

submission and that

counts as points

why don’t they

make the judges have to be x

fighters or at

least have black belts

and they’re not allowed to play

angry birds i mean let them do something that’s

absolutely 100

what i’ve been saying

and what i’ve been saying for a long time

is that there’s a lot of fans as well and people that

train as well

that would love to do it but the problem is

is that the way

state athletic

commissions are like they’re just like

working for the government and it’s really hard to get

fired super hard to get fired and

everybody wants to

think that there’s no problem

and everybody

wants to say oh we’re doing our best and everybody

doesn’t agree on

fights and these are good

judges and no they’re not

there’s a lot of shit

they don’t know a lot of them come over from boxing

they literally have

no experience and no

training in the

sport other than people explaining to them what

these moves are

and then they have to

judge them just the highest

levels of the game it’s so hard to know

where you stand

if judges can be two rounds off

it’s terrible i mean someone

could be like i won

those two rounds someone else like i won

those two rounds yeah

and there’s some of them

there’s some of them that really really suck

there’s some of them that really have

no idea what they’re doing and i have friends who are

judges who have told me in frustration

that certain

women judges

have actually turned to them in the middle of

fights while a guy was obviously

attempting a

certain position like a kimora or something like that

and said what is this what is he doing what is he doing

literally it’s like your

girlfriend judging a fight

you know i’m saying like she

doesn’t know what’s happening

he’s got cute hair he totally wins

and my point on it

and the reason why i said it

is because one of my biggest issues is that the guy

who’s the president of

the nevada state athletic

commission the guy is running everything

he’s not willing to

admit that he has not done the best job possible

with the best intentions of the

sport in its participants

he has not done the best job possible

he’s trying to pretend that the people that he has in

place are fine and that

everything’s good

and it’s not good

he says boss

bad decision

after bad decision

after bad decision

with no change

because in order to make a change

he has to admit that there’s a problem

and if he admits there’s a problem then he

admits he’s

wrong and that’s something that politicians

never want to do

he tries to pretend that

everything’s fine so he

keeps employing the same people with the same problems

and it’s been

the same guy forever

yeah the state athletic

commission guy has been the same

and who’s his boss anybody i don’t know

i don’t know who it is but you know people are

emailing man people

going crazy

after this one

we need to find out who his boss is

his twitter

the online community is taking care of everything

the online community is beyond pissed at all this

these people are huge fans and

these people

appreciate what all

these fighters

have to go through that there’s a massive fucking

commitment involved in trying to be a professional mma

fighter and the last

thing they should have to deal with

at this level of the game

is a bunch of people judging the

fights that don’t know what’s

going on it’s one

thing if it’s a subjective opinion and

there’s one guy that says i

think that leg kicks don’t

count as much as head punches

because head

punches can

knock you out leg kicks it takes a

bunch of them

there’s a lot of subjective

you know arguments

about what’s more you know what’s you know what’s

worth more take

down or you know a good jab you know what is

worth more if a guy takes you down and he

doesn’t really do anything when he got you down

but you hit him with a

stiff jab and his nose is bleeding

isn’t the stiff jab

worth more what is

worth more it’s an interesting debate

but this isn’t

a debate man this is like people don’t know shit

they just don’t know and it’s

crazy to watch

and it’s crazy to

watch this guy

who’s at the head of the

state athletic

commission pretend that it’s not a problem

just pretend

that everything’s fine

nevada is look

it’s not just

nevada there’s issues with other

states and the

other states will grow

with mixed martial arts is a new

sport and a lot of these

states they’re trying to

put their athletic

commissions together and they’re trying to

piece it together and they’re trying to do the

right thing

boston is doing

a real good job and one of the guys in the

commission is actually my former karate teacher

he’s got joe

esposito so there’s a lot

of martial artists that’s what you want

you want people that are real real fans of the sport

i don’t believe this guy’s a fan of the

sport i believe this guy’s a politician

and i don’t believe

that’s good for what we need

i think what’s

going on is that we have a

bunch of people

that were grandfathered in from boxing so there are all

these people that work for the

state athletic commission

they’re judging boxing fights

and now they say well okay this is boxing but there’s a

bunch of other

stuff going on to like take downs and

that’s like you me

someone coming up to me and saying hey dude

you are you are a commentator on

mixed martial arts right

we want you to

start commentating on football

right and you be like

i don’t know anything

about football well they hit each

other they slam into each

other and it’s violent just

do that thing you do do that

thing you do

exactly and i’d be like what do i have to do i have to

judge football shit

uh did he do the

right thing

and you know you don’t you don’t fucking you don’t

understand the

sport man you got to

understand the

sport to be judging it you have to participate in it

you have to have

trained you have to have some

experience you have to know somewhere

along the line it just makes yes

reason classes at

the housewife

and i got nothing

against housewives but

they don’t know

for the training

take them to a gym and show them the moves exactly

not just showing the moves man i

think you need to train

and i don’t

think we need i

think there’s

plenty of fucking people out there that have

there’s x fighters there’s

people that are just big fans of the sport that

understand all the aspects of it the ground game the

stand up game

and you have to have that and

most importantly you have to have

a very deep and

sincere appreciation of what

these guys go

through and how much they’re putting out there

what they’re laying on the line

and in my opinion when you keep

using weak officials

and you keep having problems with with judging

you’re not respecting what

these guys are

doing there’s a

sport a little bit does hurt

every time a bad to

every booze

like wait one

that seems cheap

exactly it seems

rigged and that’s why i had to say it man

and they’re like well why’d

you have to say that that’s not a professional it’s

absolutely professional you

have to say it

if i don’t say it it’s not professional

who’s gonna say it if i don’t nobody we’re just gonna

stick our head

in the sand and pretend there’s no not an issue

these people that are

watching this at home

they’ll start

screaming the ufc’s

fixed it’s like fucking

wrestling it’s like boxing it’s

bullshits fix can’t get into if you don’t know who’s

ahead and who’s winning

and it’s that

so i had to let i had to let people know

that it’s not

fixed it’s incompetence

and they want to continue

the way it’s always been and they don’t want me talking

about it it’s hilarious the

whole thing’s hilarious

you know speaking of hilarious

speaking of hilarious i have a show tonight yes

at the melrose improv

fascinating and hilarious

it’s a storyteller

show and joe diaz is performing as well that’s right

what are you talking

about joey it’s a

story when ari

does these really interesting shows at the improv

lab and what it is is there’s the improv

on melrose and there’s another room

right next to it that’s the lab

and it’s all like

i’ve done it a couple times it’s all like

experimental shit

like dudes just go up and tell stories

about things

some guys try to do

stand up some guys do but some guys just live

and up there

the pub the fuck

story once huff because everyone has fuck stories

as bitch you know

there was a few guys i walked in on i’m like this guy’s

violating the

principle this guy’s doing his act like with all the

pauses in the right

places and like

but you know

some people just went up and told stories and

tommy chong told the

story about how he got arrested and how he got

complacent and

stuff about

drugs and you know in airports and stuff

this is really interesting it’s on the lineup

the lineup is bill burr

joey diaz nice

kathleen madigan nice

bobby lee nice

and steve ag

you can’t go

wrong with that that’s five

bucks and it’s

five dollars it’s only five dollars and tonight at

eight o’clock

and how do they

get tickets you can go to the improv dot com

and look for the hollywood

if you wanna go don’t

sleep get tickets now because we’re talking

about this shit a lot of people are listening

a lot of people

gonna hear about it on twitter it’s

gonna sell out tonight

cause it’s only

like was it like a hundred seats that road

it’s gonna be the main room

oh you doing the main room yeah they

moved it oh shit

fucking around that’s how big it is

bitches this shit’s getting large yeah

go in there and there’s a code to get cheaper um

service charges

t i n h p this is not happening presents

that’s the name

t i n h p yeah

how much cheaper are the

drinks if they say that not the drinks

that the service

charge if you buy the tickets online there’s an extra

three dollar charge that’s

a five dollar

ticket they charge you

three extra per

ticket and i’m

like what the fuck is that and they’re like all

right we’ll

offer you some sort of

coupon yeah

what why would it cost them

three dollars to process a credit card left

anything under like

twenty bucks

cost that much

it’s modem fee

what are service fees when you’re

using a computer

no one’s doing it exactly i

print up my own

ticket what so

that’s supposed to be the whole

thing i mean you are paying

taxes on it aren’t you don’t you pay taxes on

ticket part of it

yeah part of the why

why don’t have to be a service fee

well build it into the

ticket right

yeah that and

see that i mean that was a

there’s people are

greedy man people

people just want too much

money for shit yeah

yeah you know you’re not

supposed to get rich selling tickets asshole you know

all you doing is like providing people with the little

piece of paper that gets them into the show

the show is

where it’s at

so you shouldn’t be getting almost as much as the show

the show’s getting five

bucks you get

three fuck you douchebag

yeah that’s when it

doesn’t work out that’s ridiculous

use that code it’s only a dollar don’t kill us

so this is not happening

this is not happening

presents n h p h p

the shows the year in review we’re just doing

all the topics we’ve done so far what are you talking

about tonight ideas

i got a few ideas

even though yeah

i have a few ideas i

haven’t really

i haven’t really

got deeper you

got so many goddamn stories

never met a

human being that has more stories in you

today you told new ones

i didn’t think you had any new ones i’ve

known you for over a decade and

every fucking

time we talked to so new one comes out man

he remembers

i don’t know how you do it i don’t know how you’ve

your life must have been insane

your life growing

up as a kid must have been just fucking

completely insane

the amount of stories that you have i love it

talk good to

that i love it cocksucker

hey have you

guys been paying attention to this wikileak shit yeah

they arrested the guy for having sex without a condom

is that what

it was yeah like that shit so fake that he’s

gonna be dead in like

three days they arrested him on a charge in

sweets somehow

similar to rape

to not it’s something it’s like

charging with somebody sodomy here

if you have sex without a condom


no it’s consensual

yeah twice two girls

again they’re trying

to kill this guy or give him some drug or touch his

right but i didn’t know

that that’s what the charge was i thought it was like

sexual assault or something like that they trumped up

really yeah

really yeah

are you sure no i’m not sure i don’t even know if the

guy that’s his real name i don’t know what anything is

could you imagine if

it’s not even real he’s just like an actor that they’re

using to get all this information out the

whole thing is very strange man they’re releasing all

these secrets

about china

they’re all

these chinese studies that

they’re doing man one of them was quantum teleportation

well cool quantum communication i

guess it’s not as like

space 1999 as we’re

wrapping our heads around it’s not like

star trek we’re teleporting

things from one

place to another

but they’re working on some

some way of distributing information

where it only

exists in one

place then you can

transport it to another

place it’s like

totally undecided

uncrackable the idea

is that you

could have like you know you

could send information not have to

worry about anybody

picking it up

along the way

you know this

whole thing happened because there was an employee

that brought in a lady gaga cd

and it looked like he was just fucking playing

music on his computer

and this motherfucker was just downloading shit

onto this cd r with lady gaga written on it wow yeah

that’s what happened man

the whole thing is very fascinating

91 000 classified us

military documents

were dumped last week you just saying fuck it

it’s for everybody now

this guy just i don’t know i don’t know how it all got

started but i’m fascinated i have

heard i heard a

story on npr

about it and they said they have

pleaded with him sometimes we’re like

about certain

things so i don’t

release this and he’s listened to them a couple times

where he’s like okay you’ve made a point

this will hurt people

i’m gonna not release that

has he done that yeah we

won’t release a few

thing where

it’ll just lead to someone’s harm and

no one needs that information

man the whole

thing is such a trip

you know it’s

we’re finding out how they communicate and how they

talk about different parts of the

world and all the different

problems that people have yeah

here’s one of them a

texas company they’re saying help pimp little boys

to afghani cops

this is really

crazy that should be released yeah well who’s not

gonna hurt besides the people who doing stuff yeah

the company’s called din

corp private security contractor tasked with

training the afghan police

the company is officially

based in dc area most of its business is managed on a

satellite campus

at alliance airport

north of fort worth

and one of the diplomatic

cables from the wikileaks archives is to be believed

these guys apparently are this is somebody

this guy named

hans von posted this on the rogan

board this they

apparently were

bringing in boys

this is fucking crazy man

and you got to

think man look

there’s if you know anything

about afghanistan

that is the tradition there it’s been

going on for

a long long time if they have sex with boys

it’s like guys

have gone over there i’ve talked to military guys when

we do especially when we do these

fights for the troops

you get a long time to talk to

these dudes

and this guy was telling me

about catching guys fucking

like you would just in afghanistan they would just

catch guys fucking

like they’d be on patrol

or they’d be doing something they’d be the

two soldiers be fucking no no no

no no two afghanis

they’re just banging each other

like they just pull over somewhere and they just

you know they’re behind a fucking fence fucking each

other sucking each

other’s cocks or something

like it’s like

they have sex with boys all the time over there

it’s apparently just

you know you hear

about it like the greek

empire and the

roman empire well

apparently it’s

still going on in certain parts the

thing is like okay you

might make a call

where it’s like that’s acceptable in

their society

so we’re gonna

allow it but you

shouldn’t hide it

yeah little boys man like

young boys it’s like

super common

apparently they

smoke a lot of pot to the afghan

soldiers so this company that was

shipping the

the kids out

where they shipping them out of

texas twelve

get like the american

boys i don’t that’s a good question i didn’t read the

whole story

no way yeah

happy that be nuts

no it has to be afghani boys

i would assume

right did they

charge a service fee of the

order online

for those who can’t

get close for free

baca bazi is a pre

islamic afghan tradition that was banned by the taliban

and baca boys are 8 to 15 years old

they put on makeup they tie bells to their feet

and they slip into scanty women’s

clothing and then

to the wind of harmonium and wailing

vocals they

dance seductively to smoky roomfuls of leering

older men this is what this guy wow

hans von wrote that’s fucking crazy man

wow there’s no

shame in having a little boy

lover on the

contrary it’s a matter of pride

those who can afford the most

attractive boy are players

the ogs of places like kandahar and

coast how old is the boy

it’s a front line

video 8 to 15

8 to 15 that

seems too young i

mean i could sort

of see you know what dude

we’ve talked

about this before but

you people get used to

everything you

know people get used to whatever the

culture is around you you get used to

the crazy traditions that people have as far as like

you know when i was in

germany they had a

television channel that was

it was the hodge on mecca

yeah that’s how you say it the hodge

anyway it’s on tv 24

hour mecca cam

and there’s a if you ever seen mecca there’s like a

building it’s like this

flat box that’s in the center

and all these people are milling

around this

and i’m looking at this and i’m like you could if you

started this up tomorrow

and you said

hey you know this is what we’re doing we’re gonna all

meet in this one

super secret cool spot

and we’re gonna

start walking around in a circle

where people

would start

going what’s

in that box why am i walking around this this is

stupid why do i have to wear this

white robe what’s in

the box exactly what is it i don’t know i have no idea

but the point is that

it’s been done for so long

they’re doing it’s normal it’s

just normal just the

thing we do so

if it’s banging kids or if it’s

everybody bangs kids okay i’ll get a kid to bang

you know what is it you know

those african

women that like fucking

stuff plates in

their lips or

those tie people that like

stick fucking

swords through

their faces

why do they do that because they’re

all doing it everybody’s done it so you do it too

you know just a lot of follow the leader

going on with people man

and somehow or another if they all decide that

banging kids is okay

then it’s okay

then it’s okay yeah dog

fighting is okay in a lot of

cultures a lot of

cultures yeah

and how can you

blame somebody

all the indians that come

over here like wait you’re not allowed to have sex with

a 17 year old i don’t

understand yeah

i don’t know about that

you know my gardener

my ex gardener actually

used to fight chickens really

that’s illegal

so he used to fight chickens

so he took me to

he’s not the guy who works for me now

so um he used to fight chickens and he took me to

you know check the

party’s house yeah

this guy has a whole backyard set up

it’s in the most

mexican neighborhood of la you’ve ever been to ever

i don’t wanna say

where it is but

you get there and all the signs are in spanish bro

everything’s in spanish everyone’s mexican for

blocks and blocks and blocks

and everyone’s got chickens

the whole backyards

everywhere you go

pitbulls and chickens

these motherfuckers had pitbulls and chickens

and my gardener

i gave him one of my pitbull puppies so he had one of

frank’s puppies

turned out to be a

crazy dog that’s a long story

and he’s got like fucking

twenty chickens in his backyard wow all

these guys would go and they

would get hammered

and they would they

would roast a goat that’s what they do that kill a goat

and they would

put a fire in the ground

put the goat on a spit

roll the goat around a barbecue and then they’d

start chicken

fights and they

would get fucking hammered

and they’d all get together and this guy had a

giant yard it was all set up with chicken like

breeding that

sounds fun to me

that sound funny barbecued

booze and just the people like what are you doing it’s

cruelty to animals and forcing

these animals to

fight each other

i guess but

you know how

come it’s okay to eat them

but it’s not okay to

watch them beat the fuck out of each other yeah

isn’t that what they want to do they kill them i guess

the problem is also they give

razor blades they put

razor blades on

their spurs oh

yeah they don’t

mean they don’t cut each

other up because of

their beaks that shit would take

forever wow yeah they totally fix it

the way they

fight is kind of harmless

i mean they can hurt each

other eventually but

it’s gonna take some time

so they put

razor blades on their spur

they put spurs on

their paws so

instead of just clawing another one you just chop it up

obviously i don’t

think you should have chicken

fights but for them it’s a huge part of

their culture and it’s a lot

of fucking fun and they love it and they gamble on it

they all get together and you know he

would tell me

about the different

strains of rooster

about his friend

has this new

strain it’s like


fighting strain

and he brought it in and he

brought this the rooster and they showed me the rooster

like taking to the cage

he’s a bad motherfucker you see this rooster

he’s all sinewy and shit

with you know like it’s fucking evil looking

his eyes you can tell whoa this is good genetics

prime brewster assassin genetics

you have chicken bites me growing up

no i’ve seen him too

hot fights that’s what they call man yeah

roy jones junior

apparently likes to

fight chickens

really yeah

somebody’s telling me a

story about him when he was in the prime of his career

when roy jones was like roy

jones you know

it’s like dominating everybody he was in a private jet

and he had to

stop over somewhere to pick up some chickens

so he stopped

over and they’re flying in a private jet with roy

jones and his

boxes of chicken all

over the place

on a fucking private jet

roy jones is

chilling with his fucking

with his nikes on and shit

wow diamonds

and shit with chickens he just likes chicken

fights man who

doesn’t it’s a strange

thing you know

the need to bet on animals chit

fighting to thrill

yeah it is well it’s like you know

the fix is not in

yeah they’re

gonna go for it yeah

it’s true that’s true too but when you see the chickens

fighting you see

these people there

these people are scary

oh yeah oh it’s not

otb bitch no this

is a little

level deeper than otb

track bettering

off track betting

on the closed tv

in new york

what was the original

the one did you see

why thousand them all over

they’re trying to get


some shit on

let people gamble god damn it

people don’t realize how many people out there are

well they should let people gamble online

they should let people gamble in pool halls

in bowling alleys

gambling is fun

it should be

completely totally

legal and the idea behind it is

that oh people get addicted to gambling it’s dangerous

people get addicted to anything

i’ve been addicted to q tips

you know should q tips be illegal come on man this is

stupid let them gamble god damn it

who’s one person

to tell you what you can and can’t do with your

money that’s all your

money or something yeah just tax it

tax it and if it’s a personal

thing between two people like playing

guys will play

basketball they should be

allowed to gamble it’s kind of fun i

could sell you an old

you know dvd

don’t pay taxes on that it’s like what

exactly why

are you probably should

claim it any wow

i think you

should be able

to gamble and whatever the fuck you want it’s not even

you shouldn’t have it’s not income man

you know why because

when you work you earn something and that’s income


gamers they pay income

taxes yeah but that’s different that’s a job

you know i’m saying i mean

these guys are

entering into

professionally run tournaments and shit but

what i’m saying is if you’re betting 20 bucks

and against

against another guy was also betting 20

bucks when you win that 20

bucks you shouldn’t have to pay

taxes on because you

risk 20 to make 20

you know i’m saying

that’s yeah yeah

yeah it’s not like

charging points or anything right

or an entry

fee you pay 50

grand to get into the

world chesapeake

lose it all or

win it all exactly lose it all or win it all

it’s not like

pay 50 bucks to

win 5 million yes two dudes putting them both up yeah

what does it cost when you go into the world

series of poker it’s not cheap

right 10 grand

10 000 dollars

god damn you

gotta be a player

you gotta be a player to step up and

throw 10 grand

at a game that you’re probably not

gonna win probably like 9

500 to 9700 that goes to the prize pool

my friend justin from

the actionreport com he’s a guy that you met the big

giant burly dude who

he does the

all the live

streams for pool matches and shit

and he was talking to me

about poker players

about poker players are

starting to gamble on pool now

because poker players don’t give a fuck

about 10 000

10 000 isn’t

shit to them

a pool player it’s a big score

so these poker players when they’re bored

this this is one guy

named dippy dave he’s like the rage

of the fucking pool community because he’s going off

he’s like losing

twenty thousand

thirty thousand there and he just won eighty thousand

he beat this guy alex pagulane is his top level

filipino player

a lot of the best players from the philippines

the top level

filipino player beat him for 80 000 and everybody’s

going crazy

this guy’s like willing to

place it but they give him a

crazy spot they play a game called one pocket

and instead of like

having an even number of balls they need to get in each

other’s pocket

the filipino guy has to get 18 and he has to get four

to make it somewhat even

it’s a ridiculous spot it’s not really happen to

play well that game then it’s

like exactly so he’s winning he’s winning some of the

some of the matches

but you know

these poker players man there they they were used to

gambling like a million

dollars on this and a million dollars on that and

that book that you told me to read i bought it

about that guy

who is the really felix

unger what’s his

name stewart

stewart unger

unger poker all

right let’s find out real quick

still longer still

the lava lamp yeah

made tons of

money lost it all

fucking living large

yeah want a

ton of money

again lost it all

well that’s the deal with all

these guys they’re

crazy crazy like

wild gamblers

like the the best guys apparently

one of the the attributes they have they’re

not afraid to lose oh yeah so they that’s how they win

yeah they just

throw money

at shit and they like see what happened alex palguy

this guy wins

thirty thousand dollars playing poker okay

he’s just like

kicking everybody’s ass playing poker gets his

money up so

he’s good looking for another game another pool match

has a couple

drinks goes to the roulette

table roulette

table blows it off yeah

goes to the dice

table blows it all

just one of

those guys he has ten thousand dollars in his pocket

that’s just i

gotta i gotta be an action man i

gotta be an action

well they get

crazy and start going off

that’s a weird

addiction the addiction to gamble yeah

i growing up around

in pool playing

at this place

white plains billions

there was a

bunch of people in

new york when i when i

lived there in

white plains

executive billions

in white plains

and there was a

bunch of people that were like serious

hardcore gambling addicts

i’ve never seen anything like it in my life man

they had to be in action

in something playing gin

playing pool

going to the race

tracks otherwise there’s no fun for them

there’s nothing there

life was all

about action i was hooked on

sport gaming

for about four months

and i fucking

hate it really i did it as a means to survive

i was a plot man you’re real good at

breaking down

fights and i

would imagine you

would be real good at

breaking down games as well but

you can’t do it

every day no

why is that

go to the well it’s impossible the odds always

against your

vegas keeps getting bigger and bigger

a professional gambler

knows when to go in bang

and pull out four nights

and get something else that’s

very high percentage he looks at the time of the year

he looks at so many variables who won on saturday

who won on friday but it

seems to me that

it seems to me that it’d be super

risky no matter what even if you’re really good at it

what’s the odds that you win is it 55 60 like 70

they always get you and this is the time of the year

right now where they shut the

lights on motherfucker but who do

you know if

you get up to 60

wins that’s

great that’s

great right that’s great yeah

and that’s why when guys go on bad

streaks they go bad and it gets

scary cause they

could one up totally dead dead

empty there’s

these guys that take 19 picks

i love when i make a joy karate

video and people like

you gotta put

the picks for all of them you dumb fuck everybody’s

gonna go four and four

or three and five you dummy

i’m trying to

give you info here so you can go through and

three specific

so you have a net winner

so at least you

cover on one of the

points you just not sitting there fucking

sweating i’m not sure if the

sports book

covers all the

fights either

they only cover a couple of them but because

a lot of people like you

bring in guys like charles

oliveira from brazil or something

like that like who the fuck knows who that guy is

there was a lot of dudes man in the

early days of the ufc

that they used to put the line on when the

especially when i

fight to the palm and shit

they would put a line up and i

would look at the line i go i

gotta bet these guys

know who the fuck this guy is

there was a

bunch of times

where i was

stealing money

you would think some guy was a fan favorite

cause a lot

of people knew

about him so they

would put money on whatever the

pride guys came

over might bet

against them

yeah because everyone

thinks their name is bigger than they are

well the pride guy’s the situation with

pride is first of all

apparently according to phil baroni

it’s much tougher to fly from

japan to america

than it is from america to japan

something to do with like rhythm and

cycles of your body

he totally truly believes this

and he says this is the reason why

these japanese

guys come over here and they don’t do so well

but another problem with

japan is they were allowed

to free ball and take whatever the fuck they wanted

these guys were just it was a wild west man

they were just taking all kinds of good bob

sap and bob sap was

three hundred and

seventy five

pounds with abs

have you ever even seen anything like that before

three seven

and you work with them joey

you work with them on the longest yard

what was that like then he couldn’t pick me up

really he couldn’t pick me there was one

scene where he was supposed to

carry me he couldn’t pick me up

joey you put how big were you back

three ninety

that’s wow he was

three seventy five and he couldn’t pick me up

jeez so if he had a

fight arrest i bet fucking

against him

yeah there’s


but dude very few people can hoist

up a 390 pound man

there’s not a

whole lot of people

that’s a different kind of weight

it’s the way you stand

i know a lot of people

if i had to carry you

out of a burning

building we’re both

gonna die not really

i have to drag you

if you use your technique

jiu jitsu technique

my jiu jitsu technique

shit what about my back

you ate 390 bro

you know what i

could do 390 for one squat with a bar people

like cutting man

shit weighed perfectly

on my shoulders

with a spotter

you know making sure there’s a bar in

place 390 of human

bone and movable

tissue and everything

with a move

the ball sack

throwing off the equilibrium

my head and my ball sack that

throws you right the fuck

right when i get you on my

shoulder i step on your dick and trip oh

that was the

scale of that

was a mess i can

pick you up man

i remember one time you were sitting in a

chair and i got behind you and i put you in a gable

grip and i just let me see if i

could hoist

this dude up

it was a joke it was like trying to pick up a house

i was like i

might as well have been trying to pick up my

house you just

didn’t budge

no room i i gripped a

whole of them

tighten down i just arched my back is like nothing

it was like there’s not my body is like dude you’re

gonna break

everything if you try this

stop what you’re doing stupid

no fucking chance

no chance we get that water dog i’m over here dying of

thirst that’s right i ate a banana

bread before i came up i’m fucked up oh really i was

sitting here just

something happened over the last hour where you slow

down considerably

sunk into the hole but i’m back bitch and i’m saying i

never go down like that i’m like columbus

i keep coming at you

woman i’m in china woman i’m in new york

we’re back bitches

what about flashlight give my holla just little

brother in the

house flashlight

the only i want to get my boy dougie knuckles

a fucking holla down in

florida holding it tight with a bicycle him his buddy

tommy wagner

my buddy dougie knuckles

a fucking animal i read this

thing he really

wrote all around the

other and a bicycle tricycle

is back on he’s got a big fucking head to dougie

knuckles almost bigger than mine

and that’s it

guys you know what i’m saying we’re here we’re clear

everything’s beautiful what

go to the economist com

this is my late

my latest cosmology

article that i’m fascinated with i

haven’t quite

wrapped my head around it so i don’t want to

comment on it totally

but the idea is that

the headline is in contradiction to most cosmologists

opinions two scientists have

found evidence that universe

that the universe may have

existed forever

there has been no big bang and then it’s just constant

and it goes on forever

and it never ends

which is what i’ve always thought was right

i mean i know i’m an

idiot and i

shouldn’t be commenting on what cosmologists say

i always felt like

our need for anything to be beginning and ending so we

could wrap our

heads around it cause we

begin an end

based on our own biological

limitations we

think that someone

thing has to have a

birth and it’s also

the game over it’s like

where do you go

after the end of

space where do you go

after that where do you go

after you die nothing

we had a weird time man we’re

learning some shit

about the universe and

learning some shit

about just reality that no

human beings have ever been able to wrap

their heads around

you know i had

a conversation with someone the other day

about you know how people you know they were talking

about egyptians and

how much the

egyptian people knew to be able to create

those structures

and i’m like

yeah but probably was pretty interesting but i karen

teu we know more now oh yeah

so much more they knew some

crazy shit they knew how to

build some amazing

structures that we can’t

quite wrap our heads around today

but believe me

everything gets

more complex from the beginning of the universe

from the beginning of life on this planet from you know

the fucking

birth of our star

everything has gotten more and more

weird and always will be you go to

those mountains in

colorado you hike up

those mountains

don’t make me home surprised

you see some shit up in

those mountains

and you gotta think that

two million years ago

there was water here

mm hmm there was

water here yeah my

thing is this has

never began listed

start with a boom

civilizations have come and gone

eight times on the same fucking planet

eight times

at least and we’ve

ended with an 80 year

war drought

whatever suited you know

get started with a cannonball

and it just kept evolving

and you know we have

paperwork to document

this back to jesus now

you know there’s

always one guy that ends up like fucking your

buddy there

the scientologist the

black dude in that

movie go henry

where he lived in a fucking

cave by himself with the german shepherd will smith

go whatever

henry what’s

his name i am

legend i am legend

you know and also he meets a brody

fucks and then

four people then we go on and your grandpa

you know i don’t

think we just

existed and

died i always think that

there’s been a

bunch of different versions of

humanity a bunch

of different

versions of humanity

man we’ve talked

about graham

hancock on this podcast a

bunch of times but if you ever want to get into that

folks there’s a guy

named grand hancock who

wrote a book called fingerprints the gods

he wrote a bunch of books

underworld is another one that deals with all

these different cities that they

found underneath the

ocean oh please there’s so many different

structures man

giant man made

structures roads and shit

the earth used to be

used to have a much

lower level of

the sea level was much lower

and we had much more ice

everywhere and that ice

you know melted at a certain

point in time with what we’re

worried about

today everyone’s

worried about global warming

while the ice caps melt

that shit has happened so many times over the course of

humanity and there’s all this evidence with

these cities that are in the

ocean and it

shifted you have brought a

point up that they

found fucking this is

alone right here

i had a thought

and just this

makes my hypothesis stronger

you said that they found the

tooth in montana

of a dinosaur that

lived only on megalodons

for sharks two

million years ago but

i don’t know the info

but right there what the fuck was the

shark doing

in the mountains of montana that’s one of the best

places to find a megaddon

ball that’s what i’m saying that was

covered at one time

and one civilization a long long fucking time ago

before the chinese even existed

and came over and

built the railroad tracks

there was a complete different

civilization here totally

well you know chinese

were over here before anybody there yes they were

yes they were they

found chinese bones the oldest bones they’ve ever

found in north america

from a chinese person

that was 10

000 years ago

believe it dog i believe

it that’s why native

this shits wrong

it’s you know well the indians

you know we know that’s they came from asia too that’s

where the indians came from

you know or

you know native americans you should say

hawaii always

freaks me out the most man

when you think that this is fairly recent

in the terms of

millions of years

this volcano

erupted in the middle of the ocean

not near anything

and there’s all

these motherfuckers and you know how those

countries are populated

they go from one island and they take canoes

yeah to another island they can’t even see whoo

they don’t even know it’s there they just

start canoeing out

yeah and they did it back before gps

before they didn’t i don’t even

give a fuck

fuck you did

they went to her to sell

me get a gps

they didn’t give a fuck they got a

blanket and took a chance

you know what i’m saying go east cocksuck

they do that the polynesians like

those people that originally

found hawaii no wonder why they’re so

adamant about it being theirs

imagine how

hard it was to get there

and you bitches are

cheating by getting on a

delta flight and coming over to your

stupid fucking flower

shirt with the polynesian

i don’t know

the whole area i don’t know where

but when i was a kid there

was a polynesian restaurant in my neighborhood the

maikai that

motherfucker used to kick

that place we kicked they used to have a bartender

henry with karate chop

he let you karate chop them

they were the only joint that would have

spare ribs in the

thing we got to go get some cuban

crew we got to go to versailles

and encino soon

now there’s another

place is a couple good

versailles is good that chicken

soup they have and that garlic chicken with onions

or the one that was sienna

guerrilla what’s that cost

another versailles

another one on venice

we’re saying there’s i don’t know

what they’re all like because i’ve only

eaten at the one and encino but

they all different they got a one in silver

late that’s

tremendous i’ll

coach you eat

those never trust the

people that make shitty food man

countries that foods that

whether foods not tasting the fucks

you weirdos

yeah you boring cunts

well that’s the

first way you

like people

it’s true they’re

fool oh yeah

fucking spaghetti

it’s not the case with english anymore though

english restaurants

there’s a lot of dope restaurants in england

i’m in london i

guess too they have a

good food all kinds of food it’s like you know you hear

about it like

that’s the old cliche like from bill hicks material

about english food being bad but

i’ve had some

great english food there’s a lot of

great restaurants

in there where you go over there there’s a

bunch of different

places but it’s like things

we are food or is it just food no

food food you know there’s like

you know fine

restaurants there i’m working on that passport england

australia i’m working on it how are you

gonna i’m gonna come invade

on you motherfuckers within a year

is that possible

bro don’t worry

about nothing i made of college

take australia if you want

i can’t go right now but

where can you go

we’re working on it

right now so don’t keep

tweeting me

but what happens when you

land and i’m

gonna have to

break away from you and hide that’s fine

you’re gonna have

to go through it

i’m not with you

eddie bravo had a gun charge

from when he was younger when he used to work for a

check cashing company he was totally

legit and legal

he had the gun on him because he worked for

dangerous you know the dangerous job is

transporting all this all this cash around

and he got pulled over and he told the cops you

know i have a gun on me and they arrested him and even

though he nothing happened and they

cleared him of it

every time he goes to canada they fucking with it

every time takes

hours and now i’m like yeah go

ahead go go

ahead dude i love canada but i can’t go to that

you guys don’t don’t want to fucking work with people

you know i’m saying

when i went up there you guys invented delivery wheat

twenty years ago

nobody was doing delivery weed i give you

motherfucking canadians props

you guys with delivery

right there to blow a

street i stayed in the

hotel and i was doing whatever well i

completely understand canada stands

if you were a country that’s filled with predominantly

friendly nice

people law abiding

citizens for the most part

like their percentage of criminals and scumbags is way

lower than ours they exist

but it’s a way

lower number

and you live next to a country that’s just

fucking savages

savages and

criminals that are looking to escape law enforcement

by sneaking into the next door neighbor country

which is really nice

and filled with

sweet people

so you know they had to

react that way

but so many people must have been

sneaking over

from fucking detroit and new york and

criminals and

scumbags and murderers and douchebags

meanwhile canada is like one of the nicest

places in the fucking

world and it’s our neighbor

but they need flavor

they they need

blow street blow

street was the only place ever

i went down i went to a

strip club because i don’t even go to

strips these are my

things i went to a

strip club and the girl put her

monkey in my face and i where was

at a club on blow streets

what’s wrong

with toronto

she put her

monkey my face

and i’ve been a fucking

monkey and she put

away and i can

hear that is

going bing bing

bing that’s the

first time ever that the

monkey drove me

crazy i went back to the strip club

and got it i went

back to the comedy club before they closed got another

150 dollar drawer and went back

at ten dollars a lap

dance i sniffed her asshole

ever since then

why go to an american

place you go to canada’s ass with ten dollars they got

they are lacking they don’t

labor though as

far as you got


these flavor let me in sign the

paper this is what it is it’s like some flavor up

north america

north america

is like the the

three bears

like mama bear

baby bear and papa bear that’s what it’s like

and like mexico too much flavor

the united states

the right amount of flavor

canada not enough flavor

it’s like mexico’s got too much they’re too fucking

crazy i tell you what i’m

ready for though

well at this

point in my life i’m

ready for england

are you yeah i’m

ready i’m gonna go down it’s interesting

i want the fuck

motherfuckers from

snatch to pick me up at the airport

the two black dudes and the

other fucking i wish you

could go to england because i

would love to take you to someone no

please i would rock you

mother you guys know it you guys know

it dave bishop has retired from comedy is out

did i tell you what happened no we’re in england

oh my goodness

we were in england and dave i love him to death

he apparently hadn’t been doing that much comedy

and he went on

stage and it was a rowdy

crazy drunk crowd

and they were

fired up and he just

it was like i was in the

dressing room like for like six minutes

i was going over my notes

and all of a

sudden dave’s at the door

you ready joe

and i go ready i go what’s

going on how come he not on

stage he goes

i couldn’t get him

you couldn’t get him who’s on

stage now no one’s on stage

so he did six minutes and just bailed

got off stage

came back to the

green room to get me

and i was like oh no dude like what’s going on

so i went on

stage i’m like hey what’s

going on folks

and i didn’t know what to say that’s

crazy yeah it

was ridiculous that was the show

it was great they were awesome

they were awesome

you know what man

here’s the deal when you

reach a certain

point in your life and

he’s got a job

and he’s had

a job forever he works a full time job at a bank

you know and i’ve said this

and this is just a fact if you want to be a fucking

comic this ain’t

there’s no safety play

this ain’t no part time job

it ain’t easy

you’re gonna have to

immerse your

yourself in the

world of comedy you

gotta become a fucking comedy soldier

you can do it if you can do it at all

if you can do it you can go up there and get

laughs you can get better if you can get better you can

become a professional

if you could

become a professional

you could become a good professional you

could become a headline you

could become a tv act

you can be a

stand up comedian

but it’s not

gonna be fucking easy man and you’re not

gonna do it

while you have a regular job with

i need my dental

no you don’t need your dental

you gotta you

gotta fucking fuck

it book a move we got insurance cocksucker

look at this my

whole thing is missing

i got nice teeth i look like fucking humphrey bogart

that’s easy to say though

there’s no movies being booked in

fucking you

know manchester

city hey listen i always

should be making my windows

it’s nice to hang out at the

store late night

i’d steal all the fucking cell

phones from the office and sell it

to black dude downtown and

i’m so glad

i was your fear

i used to fucking

i used to give out tickets

i used to give out the stubs at the people they

would do and i

would get a dollar per

ticket i pick up an

extra 300 a week upstairs

mitzi showed me pulling her wig out of her head

you gotta know how to work the fucking deal

the old joey

would have robbed the shit out of

brian you robbed me

sucked my dick

sucked your

dick what you

would’ve sucked his

dick you could

suck my dick i

would have made you pass out oh yeah

i would have

gave you weed

your heart would have

blown up you

would have passed out

you would have woke up nothing

would have been there you

would have had another fucking anxiety attack through

ambulances on one

night you would have woke up with

a stomach full of tropical helmets you

would have minus the

tivo and 800

fucking ambulance charges

what’s the most you had to pay for

ambulances for picking up like that

probably the last one how much was

that how much the last one

well the whole

thing costs

four thousand dollars

jesus christ

son with insurance fucking a

oh my god with insurance i

gotta sacrifice myself

to everybody

yama stay keep it together that’s it you

if you ever have something like that happen paula

call me absolutely i’ll come rescue you

absolutely i’ll save you i’m

gonna hold your hand we’re

gonna get through

this bitches come over

get the fuck out of you you

understand me

all for one

united how the whatever is number

one time we did ask and went to see

apocalypse now me john

crown that’s christy

lorenzo when it

first came out the

first week and i was

about sixteen

it was amazing on the walk home

which is walking my own business and

it just rained

and also on this

other there’s a

i keep talking

to my friend i keep saying to him do you hear

those sirens

and my buddies like i hear him

we’ll play he’s playing

along with me

i don’t like you hear the sirens

like yeah and

also the one guy’s like i don’t hear nothing

i don’t hear nothing man i

swear to god i don’t fucking hear them

like you don’t hear him we

started covering our ears and shit

and then we went up to somebody you hear

those sirens

he’s like yeah

and we were even

freaked out now

because somebody else is hearing them

and this poor kid looked around

and had just rained there was a puddle on the

street i’ll

never forget he got on his hands and knees and

started throwing the puddle

this is crazy

this is probably like

shiny like gasoline

floating on the

surface and shit

he just got up

and ran the fuck home

and we seen him like two days

later he’s like man i can’t hear no sirens

the first time i saw apocalypse now i really

watched the whole

movie was in this house when i first bought this house

when i first bought this because it’s

got i got like a movie theater like a hundred inch

thing that drops down

and i ate a pot cookie

and i’m stoned as be

jesus everyone’s asleep at me and i’m sitting there

watching this apocalypse now on this giant 100 inch

screen and that’s when it hit me

what a brilliant

piece of film making that movie was

there’s certain movies man

where you watch the

movie and go that movie is just a work of

art you know it’s like they just took you on a journey

there’s so much about that

movie like the end when they’re killing the bull

like there’s so much

about that movie like you couldn’t even do that

today because they really killed a bull and filmed it

i mean they hacked that fucking bull to

death right

that was real shit that wasn’t special

these like disturbing and

shocking and

the whole marlon brando

is this fucking insane general

gone out of office rocker the

whole thing was amazing man that is a goddamn amazing

movie man the

sound everything

robert duvall

charlie don’t surf

that one scene when he goes into a camp and the

black dudes listening to hendrix

yeah and i can’t even imagine a big

screen by yourself

by myself by myself

out of fucking balls who’s the ceo

here whatever he’s around

sound speakers all around my head

everywhere he was one of

those real motherfucking

black dudes with the veins in

their eyes from the

real motherfucking

black dudes

in memphis detroit they got veins in

the eye remember they

asked him they said to him

who’s the captain here and he looked around this

motherfucker looked at him i don’t

fucking know

what motherfucker he don’t even have to

say that that was intense but

he just looked at it all gone off the deep end

how many people that’s a great movie that

movie really kind of captured what a lot of people felt

about war that

there’s a lot of

crazy shit going down it wasn’t as simple

as everyone marching

i gotta get

going rogue man lot of nutty shit

going on some fucking knowledge on

you people this is a true story one night

me and ralphie made driving around getting

stoned we go ralph we got to catch this weed store

it’s on formosa

and santa monica they got really good edibles

so we pull over ralphie

may can’t find the parking spot it’s 20 to fucking

eight seven

thirty five the place closest to eight

so we’re gonna go to a movie

and so i go

roughly just drop me off here and park the car

and i’ll get on in there

so i walk in and there’s a line

so the guy wouldn’t let me in they

check ids outside the

street at this place

this is right across

from the foremosa cafe

so while i’m waiting online there’s a girl in

front of me

and i’m waiting there online

and hoof and i’m

stoned and i’m

going in there to get more

and who fucking walks up to me who’s walking down the

street smoking a cigarette

but lawrence

motherfucking fishburg

god damn he goes what are you doing

and he goes don’t you the comedian on showtime i had a

get the fuck out of here and he

started talking to me and he

started talking to me and he goes that was san juan

fuck me up he

starts talking to me he’s talking

about that’s

awesome so who comes walking up from a distance is

ralphie may waddling up

and i can see that

as he’s walking up bro he’s looking at me

he’s like what the fuck

how you talk it’s lawrence

motherfucking face

why the fuck did you did ralphie

start talking

black to him

no ralphie just

started talking to him

and lawrence

fishburne told us

about that movie

ralphie’s voice will vary in blackness

dude four he was dude

dog he was 14

when they took him to the philippines to shoot that

movie yeah so next time you see that he was

17 when they finished right

next time you see lawrence

fishbur you

shake his hand you go listen i only met him once

at sky bar but very brief i

didn’t even meet him i shouldn’t say i met him

i was in his

presence you were the philippines when you were 14

most kids don’t make it back you

gotta feel bad for that guy man he’s got a 19 year old

daughter that’s doing ghetto porn she

shows up at the

store sometimes

really yeah

not that attractive

not that attractive in her ass is filled with

bucks any doubt

really it’s like

weird she’s got like all

these little

zits all over her ass

it’s weird you know like

like someone shot her with like rock salt

i hate that ship you

would go to a

strip club and

have a whitehead on her a

little tight

whitehead you want to pop that


i would pop that

like a ten let me pop that pimple on your ass you

walking around wounded

here i got a

white on your ass is killing

you she’s got hail damage on her ass no no no no

this is sadness man and having a nineteen year old

daughter and being some

superstar movie star

and you know

me from the fucking

matrix and so many goddamn

movies king in new york remember him a king in new york

how good was he in that fucking movie

that was a great

movie man walks in the

stores giving the kids

money at the shop and he’s

throwing them all in here honey

you go buy yourself this

he was not on

that dog but

his movie was

i turner that was oh yeah that was

him and her both

should a fucking one

what is he doing man

is he doing a tv show or something now what does he do

50 g a week

csi the right is he doing that csi

it almost seems like

those guys that get to a certain

age this one let me just take a show around let me just

i live at home

i live in new york wherever

city we’re doing this in

i have a house

enough all this

flying somewhere for

three months and

going somewhere else for four months

some of the guys do like

kevin james man he uproots

every six months or so goes live somewhere for a few

months and stuff

yeah when i

did that zookeeper

movie with him

he’s got this

suite in boston in a

hotel it’s like his

apartment he’s been there for

months i could see doing it too

like going from

movies to a tv show go like

let me do this for just for a few years yeah we just

relax for a few years

tv shows are the best gig in town man when i did news

radio if you’re into acting if you want to be an actor

that’s the best gig in town because

once you get it down to a science

like once newsradio got down

to a science we really only worked four days a week

wow you know and we filmed one of them and we

would take a

day off and once the writers got really in tune

you know they

would come out with killer

scripts like on the

first go like when you get in like

third and fourth season

everything becomes like a

smooth machine

you know how to do it

those are the best gigs man you don’t have to go

nowhere dave foley used to always say that he used to

always say this is the best gig in show business don’t

ever forget it this is the best gig in show business

that poor fuck he’s been twittering lately

he’s been tweeting lately

about his first wife

he’s not making money

these days not making much

money they fully

yeah and his wife

took him to

court for alimony

and the judge

ordered that he pay

three times his

monthly salary

what he makes a

month right now

he has to pay his wife

three times that

and the judge said that

his obligation to pay

is not related to his ability to pay

he has an obligation

to pay and it has no bearing on his ability to pay

and they won’t make an adjustment this is like in

ottawa in canada they got some

wacky laws up there

cause i remember when he got divorced it was nuts man

when he first got divorced when we were on newsradio

and he was making a

ton of money

and his wife

had access to his finances for a year

because what happens is in canada

the laws are totally different

where you know for one year you can’t get divorced

you have to be separated for one year before they

allow you to get divorced

which is crazy wow

i don’t know

if they’re trying to keep families together or what

but in dave’s case it was

worst case scenario

so here’s the wife with

money and she’s

traveling all over the

world with his

money buying furniture

going off and

she was going i remember he had to go to egypt

so he had to take all this malaria medication

and he lost his

marbles once he got hammered we were at one of those

press parties and shit

and he’s on malaria

medication which

apparently does not

mix well with

vodka and he was

just like out of his head man

he took some reporters

tape recorder and

stuck it in his

drink and he

doesn’t even remember

doing it he was just like hallucinating and shit

like malaria

medicine is no no fucking joke man

but the whole

thing is just it highlights another

thing about how

crazy marriage is man

how he hasn’t been with this

woman in a long time i

still owes her

yeah not just owes

her owes her

exorbitant amounts of

money he’s responsible

for maintaining her lifestyle even though

his lifestyles not the same anymore

he’s connected

to her even though he’s not in her life anymore that

story before

where it’s like i i

don’t make as much in common but i

still owe them

based on what i used to they don’t

give a fuck

they don’t give a fuck

it’s crazy man

it is not set up for you dude it’s not set up for you

it’s set up to make sure that the

woman doesn’t get fucked over

but in so doing

they’ve set it up so the man gets fucked over sometimes

you know for some time sometimes

it’s good because some dudes are douchebags and

they don’t want to pay for

their kids fuck them

they should be paying

money they hide

money child

support is different

totally different than alimony but

look i have another friend who got

married he was

married for over 15 years i believe it was

before he got divorced he had no prenup

he has to pay his ex wife

alimony for the rest of her

life forever

and it’s a lot of money

because he was wealthy he was very wealthy

so he is paying her

stupid amounts of

money so it just

drives him nuts

and he can’t live the

way he wants to live even though he makes good money he

doesn’t make as much

money as he used to

he makes a lot of

money but he

can’t live the way he wants to because he has this

giant nut he has to pay

he has to pay

every month

giant crazy

god just thousands and thousands and thousands and

thousands it just

the numbers are just flying

over this chick’s bank account as you’re writing that

check you’re getting dizzy

oh he gets busy

talking about fucking

dizzy you know i’m saying red

lips quiver man when he talks

about it his lips quiver

when he tells you

about it i see his

lips quiver

and he’s married now and he’s got kids and

shit oh please

don’t worry he

still has to pay

mad mad loot

you look at that fucking

knife once a month for

neural disease it’s crazy

the only way it’s not like you can get like listen how

about i just

give you two million dollars and we don’t talk ever

again no no no

no no i’m stretching it out like

juice no it’s a million a year or

three million a year

whatever the fuck

it is and it

keeps going forever it’s like visa

and miss a month and see what the fuck happened good

luck miss a

month what are you doing rt

we got there

fella i was

playing with an ant oh jesus

christ isn’t it

funny that you could

crush that ant and

throw it on the

floor and i

wouldn’t even

think you’re being rude

if you killed a rat

and threw it on the

floor i’d be like hey dude

clean that up

give it the size yeah

a little tiny baby ant

i’m like i don’t care

about that little ant body on my

it’s insignificant but it was bigger

it was like a big

giant beetle

you stomped on it then i have to

clean it up

it’s all relative bitches

it’s all relative

and with the

music provided by

joey beatbox

diaz we will

bring you to the

conclusion of this podcast

are you fear

show tonight

at the improv

used to be in the improv lab but

it got too strong when

things are moving up like the jeffersons

motherfucker you know i’m saying like the jefferson

so these stories will be taking

place if i could

sneak out of the

house i’m gonna go there as well

red band follow him on twitter

re d b a n ari shafir

follow him on twitter

mad flavor is joey diaz

will be at the show

today facebook twitter

facebook wreck

yourself before you

wreck yourself

big dick’s in

your ass is bad for your health

stay black and

beast podcast

we got it going on the fucking show tomorrow night

thank you to the

pod new years

thank you to the flashlight

flashlight for supporting our show

joe rogan net

click on the link

use the promo code rogan

and you get

56 giovanni

get flushed

away cocksucker

duncan trussell and i are in montreal

at the comedy works oh shit mad sold out four

months in advance

sorry you can’t get tickets hell

no but you can see me joe diaz archfire

what are you doing now february 4th

super bowl weekend

merry christmas bitches

happy weekend ari

shafir is on the show as well

that’s how we book

shows with the death

squad stay black

the most important

thing you should ever get out of this podcast

ladies and gentlemen

is you see the

circle of friends we surround ourselves with a

bunch of cool positive people you can have this too

if you are one of

those and you

bring in people

like that you’d get together a tight knit

group of bad

motherfuckers and your life

could be a masterpiece

okay or just have good

people good people

good people have

all that shit positive energy

you attract the shit

this is like the

secret look at

what we’ve attracted to design this fucking show

i am thankful

if i’m thankful for anything i have bad

motherfuckers for friends my friends are

give me some

knuckles you bitches i love you guys

i love you people out there

all you bitches i love all you

bitches i love all two hundred

eleven thousand twitter friends

fifty three thousand facebook friends

i even love you fucking weirdos that are

still on myspace

myspace is making a comeback joe wilkin

making a comeback i don’t give a fuck what they say

tomorrow night

cliffy b what time is it

brian uh it’s

gonna be around

three o’clock ish

three o’clock

ish we’re gonna do the

cliffy b podcast tomorrow

night cliffy b from epic games tomorrow night

brain problems

gonna give us some

scoops about gears of war and unreal tournament

and all kinds of

crazy shit and perhaps we even play some

video games

brian’s got shit set up

it’s gonna be crazy

all right that’s it that’s

the end of the show i love you bitches see you guys

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