every time just like silence
we just wait for the magic to happen are
sometimes i don’t want to prepare here goes magic trust
trust in the muse
check check mode
this song makes
me feel like i walked in on a gay couple arguing
it actually
sounds like the credits of
jennifer aniston movie
yeah at the end
like she’s jumping up and down and the fall leaves
they’re frozen
in the air and our dog is barking and then it
freezes and then the song comes on
and you go okay now i can take her home and fuck her
cause i took her to a jennifer aniston movie
see jennifer aniston
got a good job
she did no whatever
the movie was
ladies and gentlemen joining us
today on the podcast we have the one and only
mr r e shafir
hey r e a r i
s h a f f i
r on twitter bitches follow that home boy
home home home boy
also joining us is the one and only mad flavor
aka joe diaz
aka planet rock
you were playing it rock for like a month remember
i like it too i’m waiting for you to
bring it up past it out soon you know i’m saying
hope everybody’s doing well out there podcast land
pop planet rock will come out on new year’s fuck yeah
well we don’t plan it we’re not doing a new year show
folks the mandalay bay
and the ticket people to put up the link
it got complicated
and it didn’t look like there was
gonna be enough
time to sell tickets so we bailed and they were coming
back in february on the
super bowl weekend so cancel
your tickets all you people get your fucking
miles back yeah i don’t know what happened
if you bang them
i don’t think anybody
bought any tickets
i don’t think the link
didn’t go up yet so i’m pretty sure it wasn’t available
it just was too
close it was too
close where it was too annoying
so we got it back
for february 4th it looks like
super bowl weekend
bro weekend
wow should be fun we know
balfour and this is silver
rich franklin who else
and we’ll have a link up for that in a couple days who
else’s super
weekend cuz rich
frank i don’t know
i don’t know
oh beta and john jones
really yes that’s the
three of the
but we can yes
check it out how do
you know that
i don’t know that because
this is what i do i
am on the ground you know i’m saying
you’re a soldier no no no
it’s it’s franklin
against the
other guy i think
the show is sponsored by one of my favorites
drop it the
flashlight ladies and gentlemen
i got no recipes this
week the fucking
real company that pays
money to get to keep the show rolling and we
appreciate them
and it’s an excellent product okay it’s
an embarrassing situation a lot of people don’t want to
admit they masturbate
but if you’re
if you’re a fan of
aliens i’m a fan
of that one
definitely you
like this one that’s a good one that’s my favorite one
for your penis
yeah attracted
tell me tell me more
it just has a little bit
better texture than the
other ones i have
inside because inside there’s actually like
three different
alien textures
makes sense because you’re you know you really into
technology it makes
sense you really being a fucking alien yeah
if you go to joe rogan
net there’s a link for the
flashlight you get 15
off like i said i endorse
it it’s a good product it’s an
embarrassing product you know looks like a coffee mug
it’s probably kept me from getting an audition or two
but that’s okay but it’s fun
it’s good it’s fun when you’re by yourself you’re
stoned you don’t
want to call nobody you don’t want to talk to nobody
there you want a hotel room
you take it to the hallway with your
robot and your
slippers you fill it up with ice
you come back you put the fucking little artificial
monkey back in there
and you bang
one out with some ice cubes and you get some eskimo
pussy you go to bed
and you come
in the cup and then you fucking wait till it
melts and whatever you do you know you come in the cup
whatever the fuck it
is you know you have a
good time everybody wants to have a good time you know
i have this
big problem with my animals
right now after i masturbate not
using the flashlight i
come in like a napkin
and put it on my
nightstand and that means oh my cat loves napkin
balls and paper balls so the cat
throws it on the ground
where the dog likes to eat toilet
paper so then the dog eats it
so it’s like this whole
teen tag of
eating my cum
and it ends up in my dog’s mouth
whitney’s dog gets fucked
with these dogs
pregnant comes up with a fucking iphone cocksucker
you dirty bastard
you have to call fucking
america’s most wanted you filthy
fuck i don’t do it on
purpose why
do you leave
if you see the
dog eat the napkin
would come on it already fuck well all
right so you’re so you just
shoot loads and just immediately
blackout three
yes yes 3 a m
you know this is only when i don’t use the
flashlight like 3 a
m come home
drunk put it in a napkin put on my
nightstand next day i hear
cat shuffling
like that and then next
thing i know dog grabs ball off the ground oh
we’re letting me that’s not
bad why don’t you come in your fucking hand
wipe it on the
sheet it’ll come on your pillowcase
that’s gross
well come on
a sock or something but you can’t come on a
sock come on a sock
they’re gonna recycle that shit somebody’s gonna wipe
their fucking that you know what i’m saying i’m if well
if it’s the cat’s
fault though
the cat one the cat
thinks it’s hilarious
if the dog eats my comments i
see your resistance to
sleep after you
shoot your loads that’s the issue
you just that’s what i
mean i pictured you
shooting along
and wiping and going
and the last
thing the dogs
clean up after us scrounging for food
dogs got i know you don’t do much alright when you
whack off that’s
where that motherfucker stays and you lay on it
and you wake up and put a
shirt over it like fucking nothing happened like abe
lincoln you don’t give a fuck
i don’t blame you
i use the inside out sock and i
throw it next to the bed and it just
you have like 20
socks with fucking
sperm in them and trees and mushrooms
you know there
was a line in my act but it’s so true that
i can’t remember how many
times that i shot a load on my stomach i just put my
shirt on and just left
just took off
pulled my shirt down and you know
never bothered wiping
myself like a
hole in your
belly but you know i’m saying
bats are flying out of at the
store with fucking come caked all over your stomach
how many times have you done that all day
all day if i’m lazy
if i’ve worked too hard i got too much shit i gotta do
i’m just wipe it up
shoot loads of my
chest hairs and
leave them there
like i said that’s what’s good
about being uncircumcised sometimes i whack off
and i just hold it at the tip
and it swells up like a boa
constricted i just sit there for like a
minute i can
believe i’m
going and unloaded in the fucking toilet
and it comes
right out one fucking shot you found
so if you uncircumcised do that just
whack off and come and just hold the tip
you can watch tv
to the next fucking commercial you know what i’m saying
it swells up like a bowl constrict you
gotta hold it tight
everybody’s looking at me it looks like
a balloon like a wet balloon you know what i’m saying
i got the cuban
egg one i just boop and it comes all out
i pull the skin back i dry off the helmet
and somebody in la is
drinking my fucking arm just so i get a full
picture what
color is your sperm
like yours i
guess i don’t
know i don’t
know your loads
would be like
normal i’m cuban they’re like tan like if you got
mike again yes mike
all right don’t
worry i won’t
touch it i won’t
touch it maybe it’s not connected
right brian
well hold on we’re all
right i won’t
good right here
i’m turning off joey
diaz’s mic right now
grab it and try to push it up
son of a bitch what is happening
every time someone touches that last week mayhem was
always killing my ears
because every time he
just accidental
pop into it it makes this really loud pop
it’s amazing you’re actually doing this with
studio style microphones in your home
hey we don’t fuck around dog
like this is what we
started out with this ball that was this like
stupid thing that you buy usb check
is that good
yeah no man no we’re good
i ain’t gonna touch it i ain’t gonna talk
i’m gonna touch
it now we’re good right there
i don’t get it jesus christ
that’s good right i won’t touch it
all right no i got healthy fucking helmet juice
healthy helmet juice no blood
no no one time i had
blood couple years ago what is that for
i went right to bob hope dope the next day because
the dr wex is the best doctor bob
hope dope and i told him
right off the bat i said dr wex i got taste them
and i looked at him straight in the face and
i came last night it was all
blood he looked at me go so what
because that happens every
once in a while in the party he’s
happy that you can come yeah no no everything was good
it happens sometimes you come a lot of fucking
blood that’s when it’s bad that’s when it’s bad
if you come how much is a lot
well i came one time the amount of blood sack you know
maybe you get kicked in the nut at kung
fu did i ever tell you
about the time i came home and my dick was broken
yeah i went to jiu jitsu
right and i’m rolling with my friend einstein
and he scott
epstein and he goes to pass my guard
slams his knee
right into my
dick i didn’t have a cup back then i didn’t
wear a cup this is the incident that made me wear a cup
not my balls but my dick
like bam sorry
right on my dick very very painful right
so i deal with it you know
and i go right back to
rolling you know i take a couple minutes off and then
once i’m okay
i get back in there and it really rocked me now
so then i get off
i get out of
jiu jitsu class
and i go to take my jock
strap off and there’s
blood in it and
it’s like all
blood and i’m like oh fuck like soaked
yeah all soaked yeah the
whole thing’s red
and then i’m looking down i’m
like oh fuck and then i look at my dick and my dick is
bleeding out of the tip
so i piss okay
and when i piss i see all kinds of
blood and shit in my piss and i’m like god
fuck so now i’m
thinking what do i do now
do i go to the doctor
because if it was you know my nose what
would i do i
would just go home
i just want my
what are they
gonna do they’re not
gonna do anything
so i said am i being oversensitive
cause this is my deck
yeah i am so just go home
so i got home and then it was
freaking me out like what
if my dick is broken what if something serious damage
so i forced myself to jerk off
did it hurt
no it didn’t hurt that bad what were you
thinking i just wanted to see if i could
still get a hard on if i could
still get a hard on i was sure that there was nothing
wrong with my dick
and yeah it was fine
i shot a load
and my load was like it was like pinkish
with red streaks in it and shit
i did beautiful i did a bottom zipper thing
where you zip the
bottom of your dick once
i’ve done that and it was so
fucking bad that it just was like this big scar for a
while and no
chick but ever wants to believe that either by the
way yeah yeah yeah the old you got that from what
what that from
no chick once said just here
it’s a zipper my zipper got
you got what
i’m on circumcised you don’t know what it is to
catch your fucking dick in your zipper
my dick looks like
let me tell you something
my little foreskin looks like
frankenstein’s forehead dog
stitches in that
motherfucking
everything i show you right now
i got a fucking scar on my helmet
from like when i was
about eight i caught that turtleneck
i just left it there for two days i
think one time oh
god i was pissing sideways i
leave my pants on
took like two days i didn’t tell me i was a soldier
even then on his show mom you
think i was
crying like a
pussy to mom
put peroxide
i looked at
those short my mom
could say how come
those shorts is
still i leave it there these are
like a little buckle like
your keys in there yeah i kept telling if i don’t
have this i lose my fucking keys little did she know
i had the zipper
that’s what they put a big flap over your zipper
i had the zipper caught in
the fucking flap
so you left it in there
i couldn’t i couldn’t pull it out oh
the pain was fucking
awful so you just left it i love
when i watch
some about mary that guy’s
one fucking day call the
ambulance i walked around for two fucking days i
still got a scar that dog
jesus christ you just
didn’t want
to unzip it
i didn’t want to show nobody it’s embarrassing
when you’re
ready you gotta go to your mom and say you know
have you ever jerked off so much or obsessively to the
point where you got a blister on your dick
no yes never a full
blister but
a lot still a lot
still a blister yeah
dude i’m a chronic masturbator
the flashlight company
understands me more many times the
way you do it
how many i want to know how many little times you’ve
had blisters i’ve done it and then a couple minutes
later go god
i can remember go master wait i just masturbated
like i’m you what’s
a normal week for you though like
three a day
damn not that high
three every day sure
what do your
loads look like like mornings mid afternoon
questionnaire
today for everyone
so what do your
loads look like please describe your loads uh
pretty watery
it’s mostly just powerade orange after a while
it looks like powerade
lemonade probably
oh no pat yeah
i want to know how long it takes to review your helmet
after you shoot a load no it’s like ten minutes no no
it takes that percentage of soldiers are
right the masonic
let’s look that up joe
you know that the first
your first loads what are you two
the most the the most loads are to kill other
sperm that’s what most of your sperm is for really yeah
most of your
sperm is to go and seek out other people’s
sperm inside the girl’s vagina and kill it wow
that’s pretty crazy
they say that the rate of promiscuous women
is directly proportional to
the men with big balls
and the men with big balls
the reason why they’re growing big balls around all
these women
is because these women are
promiscuous and so they have to develop more killer
sperm that go in and assault all the
other sperm
i’ve always had
giant balls i’ve always had
giant balls you fear from a family of horse
family of horse
sluts and you just constantly around
chicks and one extra dick
and when you’re around that that’s a different
level of competition
i don’t have big balls
that’s very nice
i read science
journals brother
i read it’s all fascinating
stuff man well
they don’t say big balls they say testicles
that’s the case with animals as well
case of the animals in the
wild kingdom the animals that have the biggest balls
are the ones that are
that’s in they’re in fierce competition with
other males
to get laid yeah
you your your loads will actually kill
other loads
rats are still
trying to get him pregnant
there’s yeah soldiers in your loads are soldiers
and they’re not even there to make
babies there’s a
bunch of them that are specifically there
to find other
sperm and put the beaten on them
it’s a war it’s a war inside her pussy
that’s what it is man
the reason why men are so fucking competitive with each
other constantly
is because we have
where we have a factory
of sperm killers that were growing inside of our body
to combat other dudes and last man
want to i want the
other loads are already there what if your loads and
their loads got together and became friends
you shot like
these useful
loads what if
they came out
we don’t even
load these yeah
and they’re just
constantly dripping roads out what the fuck is
wrong with her if it just grew in this huge
bubble of loads inside of her ovaries she’s developed a
whole colony of loads yeah just living together they
figured out how to survive off moisture
have you heard that thing
about life that they found a new form of life nasa
found a form of life that’s arsenic based
so it evolved in a
completely different environment than human beings
and it just changed their
whole picture of what life can be
like they never thought that that would be possible
so i explain more
well i’d have to go and read it it’s a
whole new form of life
what’s that mean like that
lives in lava they live
with arsenic arsenic is a part of their being i think
i forget what it replaces
i think phosphorus
i’m not sure
but it replaces something that our life is
based on well
basically what the idea is
it’s not a parallel growth it’s like
these things
evolved on their own it’s a different form of life that
evolved on its own
and it’s only like a bacteria
but still it’s a different form of life
it means that if life got more complicated with
the carbon based life that we have
it could get more complicated with
their life as well there could be some sort of
super intelligent life
that’s totally outside of our realm of imagination
we could never
guess it so they have to re look at all
these other planets
that they thought wasn’t suitable for life
now they have to kind of re look at it and go well
maybe it is it’s a different kind of life we’re
assuming that the only kind of life that gets to be
super intelligent
and can control the world is life like us and
but so it says who says fucking who
there could be some
crazy shit on venus
there could be not probably not
venus but you know on some other planets that we
you know that has a totally different
alien atmosphere and
a totally different you know
food supply and totally different temperatures and
it could be some nutty shit out there man they
found a new fucking planet how about this
they’re not they don’t know what it is
but they believe there’s a jupiter
sized object
just outside of our solar system
it’s a long way away
but it’s fucking huge
and they’re trying to wrap
their head around it right now
they don’t know exactly
what it is or how big it is or how far out it is
but there’s a very good chance that there’s a jupiter
size fucking planet
and jupiter is the biggest planet in our
solar system
one outside of
pluto outside that kuiper belt
they’ve been
i’ve heard scientists
talk about this in the past
apparently there’s something goes on at the end of
space something
about the galactic
shelf and the idea is that they can gauge
like how many
objects are
in the kuiper belt there’s like a drop off at a certain
point and they
think that the only way that that drop off
would be there is if there’s a
large body that has a lot of gravity and
and so they were
thinking that at one
point in time
maybe there was a planet but now they’re really sure
now it’s getting much much more likely
that’s pretty
crazy shit man if there’s something out there it’s
apparently way the fuck out there
like further from
pluto than we are from pluto
you know it’s it’s fucking out there oh but it’s big
that’s close
that’s scary
close you know
there are people on there dude
that’s that’s that’s nibiru man
when it comes into
focus when we learn
about it that’s when we learn
about the anunnaki
did you guys see that planet the
other day when you guys
had a little bit of fun do
do do do the acid
no i did not see that
dude this is the saddest
pink floyd acid
story ever really
it’s the tell this tell this pink
floyd as is i was
depressed it
sounded epic because this
is how i found out
about i was on my message
board and someone made a thread
that joe diaz and
rg fear are
dropping acid and go and see pink floyd
oh my god damn
those motherfuckers are doing it
i felt like i was
like when you hear
about one of your friends
it’s about to go trip
it’s like your friend is really literally
about to get in a boat
and go sail to the
world it really feels the same way
i have a good time yeah like
eddie called me up once he goes dude i’m doing five
grams of mushrooms five grams
like oh shit all
right man good luck
good luck dude tell me
tell me everything
tell me everything i’m like
write shit down
write shit down tell me
everything good luck
it’s so weird that
eddie’s the guy that when you used to do mushrooms
younger that he’s like yeah dude i’m doing five
grams you’re like why is that guy
doing that no no
no no no no no no that’s not what it is at all
brian you know
it depends on how you’re used mushrooms he’s
building a tolerance too right
no no no no no
your tolerance
goes away if you just stop for a couple weeks
you with mushrooms
the big big doses like 5
grams 6 grams 7 grams
those are the ones
where these people have
these insane transcendent
experiences
where they talk about
communicating with some
alien life forms and being
taken aboard
ships and being
traveled to
other dimensions and
you know the
secrets of the universe bestowed upon you i mean that’s
where like terence
mckenna came up with time wave zero
novelty theory
based on the e ching
for just a pounding tons
of mushrooms yeah if you do two buckets of b12 you’re
gonna trip no
brian brian
why do you need to go that
way listen these are
some of the most
powerful experiences that people have ever had
you’re just
thinking of mushrooms as
a silly thing
i never like
these guys i’m
thinking about a
gram of mushrooms i’m
tripping my ass off and i don’t need
to go far they’re not
the same it’s not the
same like two three
grams of where you
smoke peyote
it’s a different fucking
experience yeah
it’s like the jim morrison
seen the doors when he’s out in the jungle
but i’ve also
eaten regular acid that’s what
scene was that i just made
up a scene no no that’s a true
thing i’ve also done acid
where it’s taking you you know it’s an
eight hour fucking trip
you go through 19
levels and different emotions
man absolutely
you know you do a thousand
those mushrooms they go
three four hours
and they’re
least intense
i’ve taken some fucking acid that you don’t
you just keep
going in and out and you’re living off your subtext
your subtext is what’s fueling you
you’re seeing something
but your subtext
is taking you somewhere else
so you’re thinking
about why you didn’t
clean your room when you were fucking six
but i’m talking to this you know
it’s amazing i had a friend we
smuggled i had to
bring mushrooms once to jersey
and when i brought him to my friend’s
house i put him on top of the table
his name was
danny biankulo
and we left and his younger brother came home and
started eating them
oh he thought they were like french fries oh he
started eating
and we’re here
and he’s like the fucking shrooms that’s my brother
oh no his brother was like 10 or 11 oh
no this motherfucker ate half the bag
we were scared to take them to the hospital
so we just left them there we went out
so are you serious
we were scared
but you don’t know this family this family the
mother shot at him with a gun one time
danny was the kid that i was at his house
and he would be doing a line of coke
while his mother was shooting steroids
in his fucking ass
do you know what that’s like
his what his
mother would shoot him with deca once a day
his mother would say he’d be on the
phone this was his house he’d be on the phone
snort a line of coke in front of his
mother with his mother putting a syringe in his ass
this is this house really this kid being tan and eat
a half ounce of mushrooms ain’t shit
the mother shot out of one time with
the that kid the one that ate the mushrooms
listen to what he’s how many
grams is that he probably how many
grams i brought him fourteen he probably
ate five oh my god
i just left
this kid did years later
let me tell you how
smart that acid made him years
later that kids doing 20 years right now
for what for robbing a bank with a fish
with a fish hook
down a night deposit
money out of the fucking
thing like dirty large out of a bank
the cab to fucking new york and to get
a flight to hawaii
and you know
how they caught him because he gave the cab
drive 100 bill
that’s how they nailed a little
beyond cool oh he’s in jersey he probably out by now
but they nailed
him robbing the bank with a fucking fishing line and oh
do you feel responsible
maybe but fuck it
here’s the funny thing he ate the mushrooms
we went out to do have a party
we get back at three and he goes oh my god
all the lights are out in the house
that’s amazing because this guy’s
house was always rocking he had sisters that would
party with drug dealers and the mother
we walk in and all the lights are we turn the
lights on the brothers in the living room the young one
sitting there
by himself with all the lights on he looks us he goes
what i ain’t tripping
we just broke up
we just broke the fuck out
we just broke up cause
eight hours later
this little kid was sitting in the living room
just fucking
flossed wet and profutiously
we got his shirt off
he had the air on
oh it was fucking
classic if you
could read that kid’s mind and see what he saw
at 10 years old not knowing it’s coming that
way not knowing it’s coming yeah well
i don’t think you have bodies i did acid the
first time when i was 13 i’ll tell you
right now i don’t think i was prepared for it
i did window paint
it was like hitting a fucking home run in my head
you did what i heard window
paint i’ve heard of so many dudes that did it real
young and they just
fuck their brain come back
i’m very lucky
they shot that shit
i was by a hundred hits
for ninety dollars and selling for three dollars
high school yeah
and i would take three or four of them
in two or three days you know i’m saying yeah
after three days your fucking
thing is going
to your stem
you can feel your
stem when you wake up in the morning praises the back
barely working
oh my god i just had
it i was like
electro man i just had in
the back of my neck you know what’s the most important
thing you ever figured out when you’re on drugs
when i was on acid is a
motherfucker because
it lets you go out and look in
you know and that’s why i wanted to see
pink floyd again because i seen him the
first time they came and when you
go see those
motherfuckers i mean i went
to the gym this morning i was listening to them again
welcome to the machine or something one of
those from wish you were here
welcome my son to the machine whatever
and those motherfuckers tripped and then they
wrote about it which is really brilliant
in a musical way
that’s why i was so fired up about this
but when you sit there and it just takes you from one
emotion to the other when i trip
i want to be martin sheen and apocalypse
now now be gone that’s it gone when he goes he’s
fighting with the wind
all that scene when he’s tripping he bangs the fucking
mirror and he’s naked that’s
that’s a trip
that’s the best fucking trip you’ll see and
the other thing was we got together you know the
other day we took the acid yeah we took a half a hit
then we got on the
train and then we took the other hit on the train
and when we got there we walked over the staples
why did this
what tell me
the thought process you took one you waited
i want to pop it
skin pop it
was the heroin people
would do they always pop a little bit in
their skin just to see how
strong the heroin is
you want to test the
motherfucker how do you just skin pop
heroin it’s like it’s like waiting it’s
like a half a
joint that’s the
waiting time that’s
a bag of weed you just
instead of roll the big
blunt you like hold on
this is joey
diaz let’s just take one fucking hit
you follow me
so we took a half a hit
at four thirty just to time it out
then we took the
other whole hit
at 6 o’clock to time it out
so i figured by 8 o’clock i’d be a fucking jupiter
but instead we were outside trying to get tickets
when we pulled up they had tickets for a buck and a
quarter but on the left hand side yeah
all the way on the left we
wouldn’t have seen that i
wouldn’t have mind
going us to get
those tickets and
but we took a gamble
we thought we’d get something else but there was no
scalpers down there
and then i wanted to stay and fight
but it wasn’t the clientele i thought i
would see it a pink
floyd concert
my trip that
night while i was there my
because with the acid didn’t hit me too on the
train ride so we went to eat something
and that’s how i knew it was good acid because i was
tripping but we
ate something
so once we went to that fucking restaurant the
stable whatever the fuck the name the pantry
the pantry that’s
when it kicked in that’s when it kicked in
yeah we walked away it’s probably 8 35 8 40 so how
strong is it
it’s men’s events
it’s i got to pop two of them to really get the body
yeah we gotta do more than
empty stomach two of them and get into some excitement
that’s all but i
still got him i got him i
could feel like coming
starting to kick in but then just
would just wouldn’t
click it didn’t go over the mountain
i think we had to get into some type of devs
isn’t that a
tricky thing though
about acid you don’t know how goddamn
strong that’s not like
it doesn’t think
to where it comes
and then goes away
and it comes
stronger and then goes away
it goes away you
smoke a joint it comes all the way up
i’ve had a bunch
of people tell me that eating weed is a lot like lsd
is that the case
no no not even
close not even close
what is what is the difference brian
lsd if it’s good lsd like
jesus we used to take
jesus christ or beavis and butt head
acid back in the day that was like the big ones right
it used to actually take
like like be
a dmt trip different rural
this is not
your room anymore this is a room made of jello
for three hours
and then next
thing you know your hands are
falling on the
floor and you’re
like in the very beginning it felt like you’re on
edible like ten minutes
after i had it i was like oh
my body kind of
tingly well i
think it’s got the intense part or the body like
you’re feeling
i know intent
or you know tighten up like the
strychnine type feel
i think it has strychnine
this didn’t have
strychnine in it
it didn’t have
straight line
no why are you saying
strict nine knows is
because i know how to
yeah the old days
why would they put
strict nine
the back in the day they used to say it made it
stiff to the
paper more or something
like something
weird like that i don’t
know that was
a lot of get some
flowers and
the next day you’re back
you felt like a fucking rat
and there used to be
things like if you got in a car accident that strict
night if it hits you
right in the back you’re full for life
there’s behind that
go in your system
exactly but yeah that’s why then i
switched to doing liquid on
sugar cubes
where you just buy a big
thing of sugar
cubes and just buy some liquid that i like that was how
do you get the liquid
from a mad scientist who knows and you drop
or something
you gotta drop
the dea keeps a very
close track
of the precursors
the stuff that you need to chemically
synthesize lsd well i’ll tell you what
it’s real i
could have got
the liquid for this show
but he wanted 600 a canister
and they wanted to mail it to me
oh no silence
bye why not
tell you what
they want to put you in jail no no this is my
buddy i know him a long time but just the male thought
i don’t want somebody
knock on the door and i got fucking
spike tv in
front of my door with a camera
and dea show out there you follow me yeah i don’t want
if i know the guy
this kind i get it from i know
20 you don’t need that much anyway i
go no you need two drops but
you just can’t call
whatever and say i need two drops flown to me
they want you to buy the
whole fucking container right
right and i didn’t mind buying a container
but then i got a container in my
house of liquid others d
you know two in the afternoon i’m bored
ain’t nothing
going on you do
kicking it’s a bad idea yeah you follow
i don’t give a fuck
that’s a weird
thing worrying
about being set up
you know it’s a
weird thing with
with drugs with certain drugs like you have to worry
about being set up it seems so lame
if you’re guys like into coke
especially if you sell coke man
i know a guy who was just selling a little bit of coke
he was not selling a lot of coke he was selling it like
at clubs and here and there just
just always to make a little
extra money and
his supplier
got in trouble
and he got arrested
and apparently he
swallowed the baggie or something he got off
and he never had to do time
but they were
after him and they were on to him
don’t remember who fucking told me his story
but so what happened was
they what they
did was they set him up and they said that they were
gonna have this
this his supplier got popped and
so the dea went behind the
supply and they said listen
this guy that got off
we’re gonna go get him okay you’re
gonna help us get him and we’re
gonna give you some time off
so what they did was they set it up so
they went after the little
guy who was like selling a little bit here and there
and he said hey man i’m
going out of business you
could take my
whole supply i’ll give you fucking half off
i’m gonna give
you half of what i paid for it i just want out
you can take the
whole thing but i need it all in cash
this guy goes okay
so this dummy goes and
gets it all in cash gets this big wad of cash meets em
swat guys show
a humongous amount of
they talked him into
becoming a major dealer they
talked him into this so now the guy goes away forever
or 15 years or something crazy
and meanwhile
he was just a
petty little
drug dealer
and you got fucked
well little amount see
you know a man a
gram and eight ball on you see if you have an
eight ball and it’s not packaged up
you’re okay
but what my
point was what how
crazy is that they can do that they can set you up
with a fake
they can make the number
they can say
you know it’s a it’s a
500 000 or you know a million dollars
worth of coke they could
bring the coke
they can set you up like it
doesn’t have to be you know anything that was your idea
it could be their idea
which is not fair
because if you deal
with someone who’s a criminal okay
the psychology behind a criminal is always
this could be my last
score this could be a big
score maybe i get this and i get out
you know maybe i get this and i’ll do something legit
like it’s so
tempting for them if they’ve done criminal shit before
and they’ve got away with it
you come to them with some
crazy that’s like
you like you know some
really some guy was trying to be
faithful and some
chick shows up
naked at his
house sucks his dick and says aha
look what you did yeah
it’s like that’s the normal
situation you suck my dick hey you
freak me out
this is not core
i don’t know
what it is i don’t know what it is what happens is this
what happens is this
the guy who rolled
against them
even if he went to the government
still this motherfucker
smart he has to take it to trial
if he had a half million dollars
to pay for coke
he’s got a ton of
money to pay for an attorney
nobody wants to put a
snitch on the witness stand
so they plea
bargain him out and they
you know he does
three fucking years
because if you get go away that way that’s the
other angle
yeah is that
the case though because if they
want but if they want to get you how did they get you
they got you through this guy
named joe rogan
i type it up joe rogan’s got more arrest than my client
i want to see this guy in
court i want to see him testify let’s take it to trial
fuck it let’s take it to trial
fuck it let’s take it to trial
this guy goes in the
stand you’ve been arrested for
everything from the kids
to smoking fucking
twenty joints at
school and you’re
gonna come testify my my guy they
throw the fucking
thing out caught
that coercion shit is kind of fucking weird
tricky but that’s not
how could they do that how can they come up with a
scenario they want
you boy you it isn’t
trap it is but it i don’t
think it is
i think as long as you’re
you’ve already been dealing with that guy it’s like
it’s a normal situation
like they said some old lady is a cop down the
street with a bag and somebody robs her
you know but she’s really a cop
it’s like that’s not entrapment old
ladies walk down
always walk down here all the time that’s a very good
point that’s a very good point
yeah no that’s not entrapment at all
yeah that’s an
undercover cop
yeah that’s a
weird thing
where they’re allowed to come up with scenarios
you know they’re allowed to do this shit
listen one thing and you know this they
could come into your
house anytime really fucking
story they do it
everywhere though
they don’t just do it that mean they do
cyberly they do
torrents they’ll
throw fucking
tron on there to see if you download
tron and then you know
get you for that too i did
i did demotron arrested did you
like that the old one
shh i’ll say anything
it’s amazing you’d be surprised
you’d be surprised when
undercover listen let me tell you something
for an undercover cop
to buy coke from somebody they
gotta do coke in
front of them
that’s just now yeah you have to so
a lot of those guys get hooked
they get hooked no well the
most important
thing is they buy the coke from you they do a line in
front of you
and they push the
trial back to nine months
by the time the cop goes into
trial he’s cleaning so it’s out of assistance
out of assistance
right right
right right it’s not your word
against yours
they do what the fuck they want if they want to come
after you it’s like you just gotta be
you just gotta be under the radar
listen the kid came to visit me two weeks ago
three weeks ago from jersey we didn’t get the hook up
this kid’s been dealing blow
since we were in high school
he’s got a plumbing business
he’s got three different xys with three
houses three different and rumpson
and a cherry hill new jersey
it’s got six employees
he’s got bids all over it and he’s
still fucking
so he’s got a brought here a russian brought here the
strip club you understand me
how old is he 47
48 three kids three different bronzes
child support
been selling blow since
eight balls since we were in high school he just knows
how the fuck did you do that
there’s not a lot
of guys that can do that almost all of them get busted
the odds are
against you
but if you go
under and there’s a way to go
under and stay under and
you must finance you know you can finance and
you know when you’re financing a good
thing and you get 20
of their action
and they’re making 800 000 a month
that’s not too fucking
shabby you know
yeah but you figure someone will come after him
i mean it’s just amazing
and he took half the dough it
started up a business it got six fucking employees with
trucks and walking up
please what is
this job what it
well you don’t
want to say no but it’s just amazing that
some people we had this we had this kind of
we know some
people go away and some people
are very smart some people
stupid about it
i always thought it
was bad luck no matter what i always thought somewhere
along the line you’re
gonna pay for it
you know he’s got
three fucking
wives he’s got
three ex wives
that alone psychologically
is bullshit on
somebody everybody that i’ve ever met that sells just
fucked up their lives become fucked up and
they’re always
they’re always
sketchy to be around they’re always like
yeah well i was worried
about somebody robbing them
yeah cops catching
what’s the most interesting i
was paranoid
i don’t watch a lot of doug
drug documentaries and all that shit because
people always try to be bigger but i didn’t watch
a very interesting one
where they took a rocker out of england
it took them to columbia and showed them
what it takes to make a kilo of cocaine
from scratch
and they took this
motherfucker in the bunker with machine gun
whoa and this
motherfucker was
breaking down
i’ll never this
motherfucker
never did another line again
when he came back
spread the gospel that way how
what it takes to fucking
get that gramaco
what you’re
really doing to society what you’re really doing to
these people
some way you
gotta pay look at this
whole war now is
about heroin
you and i both know it’s a big
chunk of what this war is
about and no one wants to mention it nobody wants to
mention and you
bring it up and it
sounds like you’re a
wacky conspiracy theorist
but here’s the bottom line folks
90 plus percent of the
world’s heroin
comes from afghanistan
that is a multi
multi billion dollar business and if you think
these fucking industrialist
cocksuckers
that are running the
world are gonna
leave that money behind you’re fucking crazy 90
dude they’ve got army
fucking united
states army
troops guarding
poppy fields wow
and it’s still coming in
yeah it’s still coming in it’s coming in like
crazy they’re helping
these people grow it
they’re helping
these people
grow it so that they’ll get us to the taliban
we have to gain their
trust heralda
rivera we talked
about this a
couple weeks ago on the podcast or last week
it’s real proven shit that’s going down
there’s fucking
so much heroin there
i mean it’s incredible the fucking
guy who is and we talked
about this last week as well but
just because
you guys are here the president of cia his brother
or the president of afghanistan brother his brother
was an employee of the cia
and his brother was a
known heroin dealer
his brother was selling heroin
and getting paid by the cia
just the fucking brother
of the president of afghanistan
if you don’t
think that there’s something
going on you’re
crazy why would they
leave that money
the fact that they’re willing to kill people
which we know they are
from money we know they’re willing to go to war with
countries that probably didn’t do shit and
there’s nothing
to gain there for america for freedom or for fucking
safety it’s just
cause there’s something
there that they want so now someone else is in control
instead of somebody in afghanistan
getting the
money we’re getting it
who knows i don’t know we
gotta be partners
someone we think we’re
standing over there for free
they go stand up
with the united
states like 20 percent
this is a garden
issue such a big lie that you even just talking
about it we
sound like idiots
that’s the amazing
thing about the idea that the government has sold drugs
it’s such a big lie
it’s so crazy that just
bringing it up and you’re like listen to this
crazy idiot saying that the government has sold drugs
and i’m not necessarily
against selling drugs
you know i’m not
i don’t need i’m think
fuck you can sell bullets why can’t
you sell drugs i’m not afraid of you selling bullets
i think you
should be allowed to sell bullets
i i believe in all that
stuff i mean i i
think we definitely need law enforcement need to
protect ourselves from people to
abuse shit and set up laws and be very strict
about shit like that but
i’m not for fucking controlling too much shit man
so i’m not scared of anybody selling drugs
or socialist
not really you social
it’s more libertarian
i think i’m a socialist i
think all drugs should be
legal even the ones i won’t do
but that’s not socialist
socialist is someone that
thinks that all the wealth
should be evenly distributed as well
you’re just a communist
and i think
that is the most dangerous fucking thing ever
i couldn’t imagine somebody in the car next to me
coked up or somebody on
heroin i just couldn’t imagine you
say that but it’s been proven in other
countries that it actually
lowers the addiction rates
lowers the rates of use
in portugal they’ve had no
drug laws in portugal for a
while they made
everything legal it decriminalized everything
and people have been doing it left and
right by the way that’s
going on in mexico as well do they have zoning laws
i don’t know
you want to
build there
no i’m saying
sell drugs like
right next to a
school and stuff
they probably
have some sort of restrictions i don’t know
i think what decriminalizing means is that it’s okay to
have it but you’re not supposed to be selling it
that selling it can be criminal but if you
have it then it’s okay how are you supposed to get it
well the idea
is that you’re not supposed to benefit or profit from
other people
being addicted to something that’s dangerous
so you could do dangerous
things if you want to on your own accord
figure out how to do it but if you
start selling it
that’s when you’re
in trouble which will make
sense to me
because that’s like sort of saying
you should have personal freedom but
the other person
should not be doing something
damaging to society willingly and knowingly
and if you’re selling heroin you’re doing something
damaging to society willingly and knowingly
so they get it you want
yeah you can
still get it
though you just don’t have to you just don’t sell it
see look the beautiful
thing about drugs
almost all the good ones people are willing to give you
you know that’s really how it
should be the coolest thing
about weed and potheads the number one thing
is everyone so
generous like
pundits are always
giving you here’s a cookie dude have this breast drip
you want to join here’s this dude
smell this who wants some
it’s always like everybody’s part of the
whole way that’s why
nobody give you know coke rocks
a good healthy drug
good healthy drug
is distributed
people give yeah
even mushrooms people give you mushrooms
people come to me give me mushrooms
after shows i’ve
never taken them
no the fuck kind of
this one dude
just gave me mushrooms once in san francisco
and he was this
weird creepy dude was just
sweat a little bit too much
just thinking probably
about me taking these
things and dying and
get the fuck out of here
bitch i ain’t taking your
crazy mushrooms you
motherfucker
but my point is that
any drug good enough to be taken
should be free
you should be
but you can’t get figure out
enough pot for free
why not you can
buy the seeds by the
by the fucking the shit grow so you got yourself you
can you grow
heroin yourself no it’s much more difficult so
you have to go to another climate
i don’t think you can grow heroin in this climate
i think that’s one of the
things to the bones
so you’re not really
good at that
i don’t know
you grew it in
hot tubs what
brian i think
cocaine is that way too you can’t grow cocaine
in the united states
it can’t be grown here
is that a mountain
thing too because i know that
the mountains altitude
they take it right
most people find it very very useful the actual
leaves like
cocoa leaves are actually healthier than coffee
and these people just chew the leaves
and they’re shepherds
and out there in the fucking mountains and shit
and they’re such a high altitude it gives them energy
hmm so it’s actually like a
beneficial plan it’s like a month
yeah it’s just when you get process
yeah you process it and
synthesize it and
break it down that’s when it’s like
well actually
a fucking central nervous
system like and then what i
understand is
the real big problem is what they mix it with
right right
and now especially now i
watch your thing
on 60 minutes
like a year ago
and it’s just bad
it’s coming into the country in batches and all
these people
last year was in the seattle
area really bad
did you tell me that
you’ve gotten some of that gasoline in it somehow well
the most important
thing is it’s not getting out of the country
is getting the ether
alcohol into columbia to wash it with when you
would get the cocaine with the ether if anybody watches
that’s a cocaine that people
dream about
it goes down like bubble gum you
you keep snorting it all
night because it tastes great that’s rockstar cocaine
rockstar shit then
what happened was they couldn’t get enough ether
so they start cooking it with gasoline and turpentine
you snorting this shit that smells like catfish
but it’s 4 in the morning you don’t give a
fuck you know what i’m saying
the next day your nose is red
your nose hairs are disintegrated for the
next generation
but it’s just
it’s just that
the addiction but the gasoline so what they
would do was
you get the gasoline
base to make
crack because nobody really cares
about taste
if you smoke and
crack you know what i’m saying yeah
so then they get the good shit to sell the
stuff for the ether
i told you we were talking
about this before we
started the podcast i stopped smoking out of pipes
because i think when you use a
lighter i taste that shit i
taste that lighter
fluid that’s just
nasty so think
about the gasoline
you’re snorting
yeah when i
started using
vaporizers and when i
started smoking joints i
started realizing like this
tastes better it just
doesn’t taste all fucked up
ideally i think you
should light a joint with a
match that’s probably the way to go
because even when you
light a joint
is that even good
it’s a match yeah cuz i got that was it’s all
for whatever
we have you ever
heard how you
should never
light something off a candle because supposedly
the little micro candle shit will get into your
lungs wax really yeah
i always wonder if that was a
you can get hippie
lie i touch a
cigarette to
a candle once in the wax got in it and just
i still smoked it but it took so long to
smoke see that’s
gotta be bad
right oh dude
you smoked some wax you’re
fucked you wax ass
smoke wax but yeah you promise you
light a joint then
that’s a whole joint you have lit yeah
commitment yeah but i push it
out i just pinch it out
whenever it’s done
you know when i’m done i just
break it off and then you get a roach
i like it better man i
think that fucking
those pipes are
bad for your
lungs man i
think those
cigarette lighters
constantly breathing
that shit in i can
taste it sometimes like that ain’t good
my doctor said use
vaporizer i love
when you take a nice bud you cut it with a scissor
nice you take a
paper and a half of that zigzag
you put that
motherfucker together your edge
right like a doctor
and you flap that
motherfucker put it in there roll that
motherfucker up
and let that thing dry
and when you
light it you hear the thing go
from all the shit burning inside
and that first two hit that
going on while you’re exhaling
you thinking of fucking
twice cooking port
you know i’m saying that’s how
you roll i love that that’s the original to me that’s
there’s no better
system than that
take your bombs your
vaporizer i’m
gonna live down ninety
fuck you there’s no better way than
a paper and a half yeah look look at the
shirt that motherfucker down and
blast off the shirt the
buddy my gaming look at this
a chick rolling a joint yeah very there’s
like there’s a ritual to that there’s something like
you don’t think
about it yeah you don’t put like
lighting a bong something
about hopefully
a chicken out like a
feminine man
i don’t care
dude i’ll let a ladyboy roll my joint i was
using a dollar bill and canada
i ain’t scared
set the earth man free bitches i’m not scared
i am not scared
lady boys can roll my joints all
day i high five
those bitches
i give them hugs i love all that i’ll feel
those weird hard tits
you ever give a dude who’s trying to be a girl a hug
and you feel the hard tits they have hard tits what
i have not so sad yeah
we had a couple on the man show
give them they give you a hug and
their tits are hard as a rock it’s like
they’re punching you in the chest the transvestite
sexuals transsexuals when they’re actually
going through
that we had a couple of them on the man show
really cool ones cool
one of them was fucking cool shit was her name gia
so what is it was i don’t know i
think it was
she i forgot
where her name is
she was super
super cool a
really fun person and she was a man that became a
woman got all snippy snippy son son
i don’t know if she had gotten snippy or she was
gonna get snippy
very nice person anyway she
should give us she was in one of the
sketches where
doug gets a hooker
and she’s uh
she has to go to the bathroom and
while she’s
doug looks in on her
while she’s in the bathroom and she’s
standing up and pissing at the toilet
and doug starts to so bravo goes hey wait
you know she really did piss
in the toilet standing up
so i guess she does have a dick but
she gives you a hug you know oh
thank you very much we had a
great time and when you feel em when you hug em
it’s like hard nipples
no the whole tit
it’s like it’s all fake
you know what i mean they don’t have any breast
tissue to work with like if a woman gets
breast augmentation she might have a b cup
she gets it pumped up to a c
and still it feels like a breast
but for a man it’s really just muscle
tissue and a bag of water
you know it’s fucking strange
i did comedy with one for a year and a half in seattle
rita ho with a
transsexual she looked like that fucking
thing like doom
she had a head and she put a wig on
and we send her like we go read it you want a
drink and she
would give her
like a 20 she’d go to the bar and we’d rob
her first she got
values in there
that’s rude little
pills then she’d come back
and we’d eat her pizza
and she’d have a
woman’s voice but when
she yelled at us you go back to a man’s put it down
it was fucking amazing
and you know
she died she hit her head she went out dancing one
night the head was big the equilibrium
that’s a true
story really
equilibrium her head but they left the head
still really fucking big like a man size head
oh my god how do you
trim the head
and she fell off a stage what
like the head
cause her head was too big as
her body shrank
like her hands
her body shrank up
so the head was too big
she was just
a big bobblehead that’s why she was taking all
those pills she was taking like perkins because
her head was too big for all
and she’d fall all the time
could you imagine
if your head was on like a little
woman’s body forget
about it forget
about it be
a fucking nightmare
i don’t wanna lose that no longer
wait i was getting headaches
for a couple days then
you know what i’m saying
fucking body can’t support your head
you can’t do it
these people lose a
bunch of weight
and also they got this fucking ginormous head
that’s so true
and you’re looking at them and they don’t
understand that fucking head is huge and
kenny craig don’t got nothing
for your fucking head nobody got
none for that
ain’t nobody got nothing
for that fucking man
what happens is your head develops a
size four hundred
pounds how about
ralphie how
about ralphie
like ralphie
his head alone
weighs a buck and fifty
look at this
it’s fucking
giant like my head it’s fucking huge that’s a
weird thing when you gain weight like
going to one weightlifters gain weight
to your head gets bigger your fucking shit gets one
you should see my helmet
you should see the hobbit oh my god let’s be gigantic
you that order it special
had to go like fucking uf nfl europe
only people in buddock in new jersey and part of europe
have heads this fucking big you follow me
it’s funny cause we were talking about this last night
about someone in jiu jitsu
class who’s talking about chicks who
are bodybuilders
they get in
large clitorises cause they just take massive amounts
of testosterone so high and their dicks grow
well you know they’re
what yeah they grow a clit their
clit actually becomes like a
small dick pussy but is it super sensitive
i don’t know it must be
super easy to find
a piece of calamari that tough shit that they sell like
that the improv
give me a calamari on a
thursday night the regular cooking
that’s all tough
it’s hard i’ve had hard
hits before we’ve had hard clips
hard fucking clips
when you go down on a
girl and you see a ring there a little
piece of metal you’re like oh
jesus anybody can hang out here
look you’re letting people fucking staple
like metal in here free parking yeah this is fucking
this ain’t a special place to be
you got a clit ring down there hooker
not only that what am i gonna do to you i’m
gonna damage you you’re willingly getting
metal shoved through your pussy
you crazy whore
but they these
these bodybuilders that
grow a clit
i don’t think it’s as big
i don’t think
they get as big a dose as when they’re trying to turn a
woman into a man
because when they turn a
woman into a man i
think they give a massive doses
more even probably than bodybuilding
this is just not lifting weight and so these
bitches grow
beards oh whoa
yeah they grow beards man
that’s one of the
weirdest thing
about the transsexual
female to male
they grow beards man they
start growing
facial hair and
shit you can beat on them once in a while
that’s it that’s it
the best part is the end
the the crazy
thing if you think about it is come
who doesn’t believe me or some dude with a wig and a
black eyes right science there’s probably a
connection with girls that have bigger
pussy boners and they have facial hairs i bet
yeah some kind of oh yeah
well any facial hair i
think it’s probably related to that you see
like a really brawny looking
woman there’s some some women
especially when they get
older that’s the other
thing about women when they get
older they start
their body produces more testosterone and guys are the
exact opposite
yeah they start producing more less
and more estrogen
i think it’s probably because
the women have to fight for
their fucking life once in the old days they became
useless when they couldn’t have children anymore don’t
women take that
shit pills once they hit manifest
some women do yeah
there’s a lot of controversy with that though
why you’re fucking with the balance of hormones and
you know it has to be done
right you gotta test your
blood all the time it’s very tricky
yeah you know
a lot of people just want to take pills and
everything’s
gonna be groovy
you know i don’t know man
i think eventually what they’re
gonna figure out how to do is
keep all your hormone
levels exactly the same for the rest of your life
and then it’s
gonna be weird
then we get to find out like what makes
your body deteriorate is it hormones is it genetics
is it you know just some
stuff inside your genome and it
starts to fail
like how much can we stop that in our lifetime we
might see people live to be
150 200 years old in our lifetime
this might be the
first lifetime
where look at
sylvester stallone
i keep an eye on that
motherfucker
would you stop
he’s my canary in a coal
mine i’m obsessed
with that dude
64 years old he
swolled like a mother
cutting shit out and shooting
stuff in some way you
gotta pay for
i know i’m sure i just want to see how long you’ll
see when and how
this is fascinating to me okay
let’s say you’re abroad and you want to become a man
yeah and they give you all this
testosterone
right roll how middle they take
helmet stick
no you grow a dick it
becomes one
the clit yes the clit is very similar
it’s very related to a penis
and as your
clitoris gets engorged with testosterone
as your body becomes engorged with testosterone
they’re shooting it like
i’m guessing it has to be big numbers because
they had private dicks it was a show i
think it was called
on hbo it was all
about dicks and they had this one
woman who is a
woman who’s turning into a man
and she said that it heard
her dick is
about the size of a thumb
which is bigger than any
bodybuilder girl
clint i’ve ever seen on the internet size of a thumb
a thumb that’s what she said
and she says it gets rock hard
it was fascinating
too till we
hear her talk
about how she thought she knew
what it was like to be a man
until they started
shooting her up with testosterone
she’s like wow
you know one of the
things she was talking about was
when you have a raging
hard on like how little in control you really are
she goes i had no idea she was i had no idea
but when you
would they interviewed her and they were talking
about you know she got a boner and
was like wow because your clit gets hard and
how obsessive she was with just fucking she said
you know primal
and she was talking
about how a guy with a raging hard on she’s not
gonna listen
like they just want to fuck
you know that it’s like
it’s like it takes over like certain areas of your
brain she didn’t know like really you
could have taken over like that
it’s a very interesting
thing you know i
wouldn’t wanna be a
woman but i
would fucking
if we could like
switch if you could like
enter into a
woman’s brain for a few
hours and wander around and see what it’s like
you know say all
right it’s like you know you
gonna do mushrooms for a few
hours or i’m
gonna take a pill and i’m
gonna be a woman for a few
hours i’m gonna feel what that feels like
that’s gotta be so strange
their balance
their whole balance of life is so different than ours
everything about it
and i think it takes us
until we’re like
much much much
older until you date a
bunch of different
chicks until
you see a bunch of different old
women who are kind of cool and
you try to get together like a kind of
sense of what it is to be a woman
they’re like a totally different species than us man
they’re totally different species that we live
side to side with you know
we don’t have a fucking clue as to how they feel
and they don’t have a fucking clue as to how we feel
but we wanna fuck them
and because of that
they want us to be a certain way
and that’s one of the problems in this country
one of the problems
in this country is it’s difficult to get laid
and a lot of guys decide to change who they are
because they want a
woman to like them
that’s the pacification of america
a big part of it is
doing what the
chick wants to do
because you want to fuck yeah
and they don’t know what you’re like they don’t really
understand what it is to be you they have no idea
like sometimes i’ll get
upset at something
my wife just
doesn’t understand
i’m like you don’t
understand because you’re not a dude
okay if you’re a dude you’ll
understand and i
understand i don’t
understand shoes
and i don’t
understand bags
the best is that like an alternative comedy
party when you’re
talking to a girl and you’re like arguing or something
yeah just in a
normal way and some one of the little nerds comes over
came here and shouldn’t talk to girls that
way and it’s like
oh you don’t realize i’m
gonna have sex with her later
yeah and you’re
you’re like
yeah cocksucker
trying to be the good guy side
based on nothing you don’t even know what we’re talking
about that is the weakest shit ever
i almost got in a fistfight with a guy in manhattan
who was a bartender
around the oj
trial you know
this guy was the most
self righteous
cunt i think
about that guy
still to this day
and all he was trying to do was impress the waitress
man i was talking to the waitress and something came up
about the oj trial
right and she said well oj
did that and he beat the shit out of his wife
and i said well not necessarily
i go i don’t know exactly what he did to his
wife but they
might have been
physical with each other
i’ve had friends who’ve had relationships
where their wife
would hit them and they would
fight back he
would have to defend her and then the cops would come
and then he
would get arrested with assault and battery
i’ve known people
where that’s happened
well i said that
and all i said was well all we
know is that there was some sort of restraining order
and so the fucking bartender goes
that’s exactly
right that’s what you heard
and that’s what it is
and the only way you get that one is if you
abuse women and
and i was like oh god are you fucking kidding me
i go dude what i’m saying is you
weren’t there and there could i’m
i’m pretty sure he probably killed his wife
but i don’t know you don’t know either man you
weren’t there
like do you really know all the this is like
while the case was going on
while the trials going on before he was convicted
this guy was like ready to fight me
i don’t know where
because he wanted to impress this girl
with how much he
supports women
and how much like this
defends women so cheesy because they can’t
nobody could sell it
don’t do it guys at home this guy pleased
at me and yelled at me i
still remember him to this day
i still remember
him to this day because i’m like this is absurd
like this is the most
ridiculous joke
like i don’t
you i don’t know you you don’t know me i’m a nice guy
and all of a
sudden you’re yelling at me because you
think that i support
some guy beating the fuck out of his wife like wow
and all just try to be captain here he’s trying to take
pushed you into a corner was
like i am not
with this at all i’m
against this you’re like i wasn’t even saying
i’m yeah well
exactly he’s looking for a fight
because why
because i was a
comic and i
was talking to the waitress and he was a bartender
and he probably wishes he was a
comic but can’t really pull it off
maybe his axe and
know maybe models or whatever
it was just some new york douchebag
just wanted to be like you know
captain liberal save a hoe
and jump in and
look like a fucking
superhero but the point is
that shit only
exists because we don’t
understand each
other oh if you
could you could
understand what it’s like to be a
chick man you
would go all
right if they can
understand what it’s like to be us
then they would just
kind of recognize like my dog i don’t try to stop my
dog from licking his balls because that’s what he does
okay it was my my son and he’s fingering
his asshole and sucking on his fingers i’d be like hey
what the fuck dude
this is crazy you
gotta go to a doctor
you know but it’s a dog i don’t
understand dogs man i just let it go
i’m a girls get
super dramatic over nothing you’re like me
that’s who you are just
go whatever i just tell you i love you give me a hug
okay i’m gonna go watch tv
let’s not get
crazy i’m always gonna be
me you’re always
gonna be you
all right let’s just
figure the shit out you can’t try to change me though
you know how many dudes you ever talk to
where they say i like to do that but my wife
doesn’t let me anymore
what your wife wants you to be a bitch
your wife wants you to be something it’s not even you
yeah i can’t go to
jiu jitsu anymore wife
doesn’t let me like what are you talking
about you can’t go to
jiu jitsu because your wife
doesn’t let you
what kind of
a relationship do you have with your keeper
some weird person is always
weird when you
hear that yeah what does she do she gives you
pussy and so
you don’t do your favorite
things in life and your hobbies that’s nonsense
what kind of a person
would want you to
could you imagine saying to a
chick hey i don’t want you doing yoga anymore i
think it’s bullshit
the yogas for fucking
idiots why what
was the reason for not letting the guy do jiu jitsu
she didn’t like him getting involved in like
fighting and being around all
those guys and
you know she can’t say that
yeah she just thought that they had like
bad attitudes and they were you know rough men
yeah she didn’t want them being around rough men
she was like you hurt yourself you’re
gonna hurt yourself
again you can’t do this
i don’t know what it was man but she put the kabosh
on it and you know you meet the guy and he’s like this
shell of a man
know hanging around with this
woman who he probably
doesn’t even like to fuck anymore
you know and she won’t let him go to
jiu jitsu i
gotta run it past my wife oh
let me get back to you because i
gotta run it past my wife had a guy in dallas
he was one of these guys
who would say something you and like do like that
i’d like to do some weed
but my wife won’t let me
i like to do some weed
he was appointed one of those dudes
he met one of
those guys i ain’t man i’m with you
i’m with you buddy
he would always point and say shit but i would
never forget that dude my wife will let me
that’s how i got my vaporizer don carlos in
the taco shop down there because i’m getting
married she doesn’t want me to whoa
she said only edibles
i was like that’s hilarious this is so weird
that’s hilarious my wife gets
weird she hasn’t been with smoke weed in a long time
because of the babies
because she had she
basically went from one baby to the next
you know and the ones two and
a half years old and she was breastfeeding for a year
and then right
after that she’s pregnant
again with another
one so she hasn’t had any weed in any of that time
yeah so like you know like just like little
things that she’ll say
she’ll come home
does it smell like weed is that what i
smell i’m like
yeah yeah you know i was doing a podcast that
smoke constantly the fuck question is that
don’t you you try to pretend i’m somebody i’m not
because they want they want you to be you know hi
honey i’m home i’ve got my
briefcase and
let me take off my
loafers and it’s also
where are the children
bring around
she can’t smoke so she feels bad yeah well no
it’s not that she feels bad no no no it’s this nesting
baby protection
she just doesn’t want me to go crazy
she doesn’t want me to be a
crazy person and wind up doing drugs i’m
going to the amazon i’ll be back in
three months
you have some person like me
think about
how irresponsible i am how fucking
crazy i am and
i am the father of your children okay i’m your
your you know
i’m their daddy
so i’m the one
who has to be around and provide and keep a
stable life and
raise them correctly and
they’re already
swearing really
swearing the little one two and a half
she says shit all the time wow like the other day
i got a balloon for her man i was
so pissed and
i got at the
supermarket she was so
excited it was a princess balloon
all these princesses on it
and it was attached to a string
and i pulled it out of the trunk
and a string unraveled
and it flew away
you know it was a helium balloon
and i go damn it
and she goes
damn it damn it
like she immediately
does what i do she’s two and a half
the other day she was trying to get into this bouncy
thing that her little
sister has one of
those little
things you get in
it’s on springs
and she can’t get in so she got one foot in it she’s
going shit shit
when you watch a
two and a half year old go shit
i’m just glad it wasn’t a balloon not joke
yeah what your wife is true
she just looks at me and i’m like
fuck that’s what you’re supposed to say
what you want your foot gets
stuck that’s what you’re supposed to say she
was you know
doesn’t want me to swear around the kids
it’s not a good idea to swear around oh
no no no i mean i don’t i don’t i really
try to keep
cause i don’t want them to have trouble with other kids
i swear in front of you oh yeah
fucking mine too mine my
not only did mine swear in front of me
they never stopped me from swearing never
like when people when i would go over people’s
houses and shit
i would go over kids
i would like to curse
my yeah oh dude i would care i would
curse over people’s
houses and their parents would not want to hang out
with never allowed to curse
really yeah if kids cursing
you guys yeah they wouldn’t dude i was
i was raised like a wolf
i was like left in the woods my parents
were fucking
i don’t remember one piece of advice from my
childhood not one not one
and everyone was always allowed to
swear you know my my stepfather was a big hippie
and so because of that like
you know he didn’t like to put like
borders and boundaries on shit
so we’d go over people’s houses
like this fucking show what are you watching this for
and the parents
would look at me and the mom would look at me like
like they’d have me
over for cookies and shit and hang out with this kid i
would swear
right in front of
their parents
i just wouldn’t even
think twice
about it you
would think it was normal no
but like what kind of fucking show is this like
rob i pulled me aside once because you the words suck
whoa yeah like
that show sucks seems like what come here
you have a talk it’s like why do you say
things like that i’m like
i don’t i didn’t realize it was a bad
thing it sucks
what do you
think i come from i don’t know sucks
what do you mean yeah sucks what i’m like i don’t know
what you’re talking
about it’s crazy
lava lamp in here
to join exactly an hour ago
right now it’s in
full steam i remember
going to some cuban people’s
houses lord
as new years nice nice cuban people lord has ramos
nice decent you walk in
cross up there
and the mother was fucking banging
really i was like in the
sixth grade the mother was banging
and as we were leaving i turned to lord as
rom was his mother go hey
you should get dressed up
maybe you should go out and get a little fucking pop
dog the next day the lord has
came in she goes you’re not allowed to have my fucking
block nobody has
ever talked to my mom like that not even her husband
husband died and i
told him mom you looking fucking good i was like in the
sixth grade
so you just didn’t know you
weren’t allowed to say something no
my mom you know
so for you it was just being
complimentary
yeah yeah yeah
yeah yeah yeah yeah
you know as i was growing up my mom used to always say
compliment women
let them know how beautiful they look like i’m one time
what did she say to you though
how did she react
the mother yeah she was frozen
so sixth grade is what how old is that 13 12 12 11
we were over there to
go like we want to go to a play we all went over there
right and i’m looking at the mom
the whole time
this cuban bitch bang
i didn’t even
have hair on
my cock i just had the dick without the skin
without the hair
but you’re already
getting hard on how do you remember whether or not
you’re waking up with that hard dick i didn’t get hair
i don’t even have hair on my legs i’m one of
those people
so i think that’s
weird i was
like 15 i’m
gonna have gorilla but i didn’t have hair
towels that’s
weird that you don’t have much
hair nothing
like people
think you maybe you shave your arms
no you don’t you just don’t have hair
i didn’t have hair on
my dick i didn’t take a shower with boys that was
like 15 i’d be the one in the corner with a towel on
i had no hair
wow no hair so i had no hair but i’d get so horned out
and i told her
this once i said you’re banging bitch
you should get
dressed up and get some dick
this lady looked at me and
fro did you actually say dick or is it binga fuck yeah
really fuck you
i could you say it in spanish yes
in spanish who said
tell me how you
would say to in the spanish oh yeah
that means that you looking good
don’t know what it says just say it
gary has like slang word for pinga
pinga is like modest copy i’m taking you over the top
it’s like juggling buckle out
that’s like
this lady was like a catholic
cuban i blew her fucking helmet
right off with that that’s
what was crazy was in my house growing up
that’s bananas my mom and her
girlfriends would talk about that crazy shit
about eating
pussy really your mom and her
girlfriends would talk about eating pussy they
were playing
cards on tuesday night and talk about eating
pussy talk about eating
pussy when you get older let me see your tongue
go like that when you’re talking i would show get
the fuck out of here when i was a kid my mom on tuesday
nights they get fucked up
and they’d make me
dance with like tidy whities on for a bunch of
women they put on la
woman by the doors
and i’d shake my hips and my mom would say dolly
hamong which means give him ham
you when you
go like this and make your dick go back and forth
give him ham yeah
give him how long
that’s an expression
when you you wear no
underwear i
guess no i had on
back and i was like five and six your
mom is actually
asking you to slap your dick back before like give them
ham like give him ham like that
and then they
would all give me booze
and i pass out and i wake up the next morning fuck
yeah my mom was the shit like that oh my god that photo
you had on your myspace page of you when you were real
young dancing
where is that
photo i have it at the house
is it on your myspace page still
i think it’s on myspace page i
gotta save that i don’t have that
picture it’s a
great picture
that’s a great picture
that’s you like
it’s so funny because even
though i can see that’s like what do you like 10 in the
picture how
old are you
10 12 yeah i’m looking at
i knew it i can see it’s you i see your personality
the whole thing you as a kid in a
suit right in a suit yeah and the
funny thing was the rest of that album
i’m making out with a girl
at my 12th birthday
my mom had a friend
named puerto ricans
and they used to try to always hook us up and shit
i already didn’t
even get laid till it was like 24 no no
they made us
take pictures like this 12
they made us take
pictures like this
what i had already like eating the
pussy and shit and fuck them before that
cause we used to sleep over
house when we were kids
and she had hair on a
pussy tons of hair
she had to be a year or two
older than me and our
parents kept trying to hook us up so when we got
older we fall in love
so on the weekends i
sleep on the
couch and she
sleep in the bedroom and i go in
there they live in the bronx
and she show me a
pussy and i eat her
pussy the next day i
touch her stomach because i thought she was pregnant
i would always
think i got her pregnant that’s how fucking crazy
her name was yvette
rivera we just come inside if
you’re out there facebook me you
dirty freak
facebook because if you were sucking
dick at 12 you’re an animal now you know i’m saying
you got a fang with fucking
metals on it you dirty
hawks probably done
blowing you at
twelve she didn’t blow me at twelve
she let me eat her
pussy and i
think i remember like fucking them but then i
would just pass out because when you’re at
twelve and you’re fucking
your central nervous
system just gives out
you just tap
out you hear shit but you don’t know what’s happening
and they say
you okay yeah that’s what it’s like a doors movie
they ask are
you okay yeah i’m okay you don’t know fucking my
sister caught me once with my
pants around my ankles
face down on the bed
and the swimsuit
issue the sports soldier
swimsuit issue at
right above my head just out past ass out
how old were you the first time you got some pussy
actual pussy yeah
i think it was like 15
i had like some fooling around
well the weirdest thing was when i was 13
there was this chick who was 21
she was a grown woman man
a grown woman
and she used to play softball with us
this is when i lived in jamaica plain
jamaica plains a sketchy area of boston
it’s a lot of real poor people and
people are fucking nuts
and this broad
her name was jeanette
she had this boyfriend who is a construction worker
and she was
twenty one man she was a hot little piece of ass
and her construction
worker boyfriend was a man and he’s a hairy chested
big fucking man
and i would see this guy
you know the guy
would be like working and
would think well you know this if
this is her boyfriend you know that’s a boyfriend like
you know that there’s no way she’d
be interested in me a 13 year old boy like this is
ridiculous i’m like a little
child and well
coming home from fucking
playing softball
somehow or another we all
wound because we all
would hang out on this one
street that i lived on
you know it
was like a real neighborhood you know people would
play stick ball on the
street and people
would run around and play hide and go seek
and all kinds of
crazy shit a lot of
young kids lived in this one area
and it was pretty nuts
she invites me over
you wanna listen to some pink
floyd okay yeah
so we’re listening to comfortably numb
and all of a
sudden she starts making out with me like i had
never kissed a girl before ever so i went from
no nothing no
never ever anywhere
to all of a
sudden this 21 year old
is sucking my tongue and she’s
grabbing my dick and i’m like whoa and i totally
could not get it up
not even a little nervous
total panic
total like what is happening
why is this
woman kissing me
like what is going on
and then we fooled around like a
bunch times more
after that but it was
never yeah it was
never like sex i
never fucked up
it was just
jerk my dick off and shit wow
so it wasn’t
until i was like i
think i was 15
my girlfriend was 14 it was
crazy to think that people fucking 14
but she wasn’t even a virgin
wow yeah she had fucked some other guy
that’s amazing
and she didn’t want to
admit it she
would be like
well we kind of did it sort of but not really
here’s my rule girls always do that it sort of didn’t
count didn’t
count and i’m like
if a stranger did it to you
would you count that as rape
yeah right good
point yeah then that shit counts
rape is just
going around just
sticking it in for half a
stroke and leaving
said no i didn’t do it well this girl i think she
might have fucked my friend too
the the first guy i had sex with i
think she might
fuck my friend cause she
definitely made out with them
cause she was like with him first
and then you know back then people go
oh i don’t like bob anymore i like mike yeah
wendy’s a bitch i’m
tired of wendy i’m
gonna you know this girl
you know like people would like
go back and forth you know what
the fuck you were doing
you were playing relationship you know
the first relationships that
i ever had like you didn’t know what the fuck to do
he didn’t know how to behave around them the
whole thing was
weird like to get some
stuff you don’t know why or when
right and all i wanted to do once we
started fucking
was fuck constantly
constantly five times a day
just fuck everywhere
i didn’t do anything else i stopped working out
i stopped playing
sports i stopped doing
everything for
months it took like
i had to go back to my taekwondo instructor
he was yelling at me
he’s like where have you been
i got left back
pussy taught me up so
bad you got left back in
sixth grade
wow that’s how good that
pussy was it’s charlie i went to summer
school and then tap out on summer
school you can only miss
three times i couldn’t take it
i get up in the morning my head would be
ready to fucking explode
i’d watch her
mother i would
stalk the mother
really soon as i see the
mother’s car
going around fucking charles
court you’re running there like fucking batman
after a fucking
my first girlfriend the problem was my
first girlfriend was hot
she was hot and she was a freak
and there’s some girls that
are like fourteen and fifteen and they look like women
and this girl look she looked like
women she dressed in little mini
skirts and high high heels and shit and
she was a dirty bitch
she just came from a single family
household and
those girls
like a single parent
like if you live with just your mom
like girls who just live with
their mom like a lot of them
it seems they they grow up with some sort of an
extra need for male attention oh
extra need for male acceptance and
validation and ain’t nobody home at
three o’clock yeah this girl just had
to go five the
tour that ass up she
just wanted to suck honk
and fuck all the time she was a
freak she wants
to what’s wrong with you listen to
i’d like to suck my dick in
movie theaters like anything really
would you fuck
what was your favorite song
the fuck that
oh mostly it was like
yeah oh here
i go again oh yeah here i go
put it on again
it’s actually the def
leppard days i
think i was into def
leppard back
yeah maybe pour some
sugar on me or something but this
girlfriend was a cool girl you know she was the
first girl her name is bethany
she was the
first girl that i ever
like listened to richard
pryor tapes with we would
sit in my bedroom
and giggle listen to
these tapes
it was crazy man it was like
that was the
first person
that was like not a dude that was like my friend
you know and we just bang all the time like constantly
it was like this person that you like
that’s not a guy
and it’s a girl and all of a
sudden a girl
is in your life all the time like your whole life
there’s been no girls in your life i’ve got no
girlfriends
might had like one or two
along the way
there’s like girls that were nice that i went to
school with that
i would you know talk to or hang out with
after school
but you know for the most part is a
bunch of dudes in my life and all
sudden there’s some girl and you’re just fucking
so you go from no sex at all
to all the sudden just fucking constantly
whenever you want
fucking savagery man
those hormones man when when you’re
when people don’t understand
the concept of sixteen year old dick
that you are on a drug man that’s a
heavy super powerful
super addictive
drug that’s physically when you’re supposed to breed
yeah yeah you
should be making a baby
right then for sure i was trying to make a baby
got so lucky man
so lucky oh
you know that
you get super fucking
horny oh my god
that’s all obsessive
mind you know i’m saying red band
red band sitting over there
silent over in the corner like fucking
he’s reminiscing he’s
like precious
his father’s
shot about a hundred
fifty loads this week he’s feeling kind of tired
i do it he’s back
but between masturbation
and all the sex you’ve been having you freak
what’s sex guys come on
what are you saying
why you sound like the apollo 11 astronauts in the
post flight press i
spent the last two days in yeah
48 hours yeah
shoot our loads
yeah you’ve been in bed
with an iv attached
the bed to keep you rehydrated from all the fucking
milky white loads you
shoot it was
a drink too much friday like
so much that i couldn’t get out of bed for two days
it’s saturday
or sunday or
monday friday and saturday
really yeah
where’d you go dog
to hell to hell
narnia narnia
actually my friend’s a manager bev
mount i just can’t
nobody gets drunk like you
huh nobody gets drunk like you
you get drunk
who else gets
drunk i think people get
drunk just like me but not when they’re 36 right
you know when you’re 18 they’re definitely
drinking more than me
the saddest thing i was in
vegas and i was sober and i ran into this
chick that i
know used to be a ring card girl and she was
super super drunk
yeah slop is
just like a weird
thing really
you’re sober and someone else is not
like hey how you doing how are you
and they just like
yeah by the way
if you see people outside of a pink
floyd concert that you know
please don’t assume
that they’re just fine yeah
you know don’t just hey man i
haven’t seen you in a
while just fucking say hi and walk away the fuck
going yeah no please
what happened
people say hi but it’s like
i can’t talk
to you right now
i was supposed to
be cool i thought you ran into somebody no
i wanna give you a fucking
hit beat yeah
it’s a very
embarrassing
thing when you’re intoxicated and the
other person isn’t
yeah you feel like an asshole such a
loser whether i’m
drunk or whether i’m stoned
i always feel like a real
idiot if i’m
drunk or coped up i feel like an idiot
yeah if i’m
stoned i feel bad for the
other person
fuck you if it’s two in the afternoon
and you ain’t high go fuck yourself get out of my face
i want you around
me like i want cancer my ball sack and i’m saying
you’re gonna come around here
looking at me with your fucking white eyes
thinking that you know i’m
gonna i’m gonna reform go fuck yourself
my morning starts at 5 30 am
either you’re there or you’re square
you know i’m saying
it’s true that’s my new signature on the ro good
board it’s if it’s 2
00 in the afternoon
you ain’t high go fuck yourself go fuck yourself
shame on you
bitch you’re slipping
you’re slipping
you listen are
you scared even
if you have a fucking day
unless no no no no
i want to give a
shout out to
the american people out there that work back
to get piss test
you people got a
i’m writing
about that i’m
right respect
you guys i really do respect you guys
i see people they come up to me so so like
great to see you and they like talk to me
about weed and i
asked them if
you want to
smoke and they look at me with this pain in
their soul yeah
but i understand your pain so you guys
don’t listen
to the shit i love
you know the
other fucking
republicans
and democrats
that walk around all day i don’t get high till
after work go fuck yourself
lunch time is i don’t mind you want to go that
night and feel the fucking atmosphere
and see what’s
going on you don’t want to run in there high into a
an emergency you know i’m saying
into a four eleven
if i want but
at 12 o’clock
when you slip out for
lunch you gotta come with the kit visine lifesavers
along come with
the kit yeah a one
hit that orange spray yeah
get that orange
spray and you do two hits of the pipe
and i don’t give a fuck what you
cover right here
is there just
weed killings did
i ever tell you what about
orange what orange chronic chronic
yeah definitely
but that’s great
i got too high one time and i got you
know the part
where you’re like
panic attack e
and i was dating
katie at the time
and i’m like
katie i think
i need you guys to call the
ambulance i’m too
stoned my heart’s
not pounding too hard
she goes you’re fine you’re fine you’re just
stoned i’m like no please call the ambulance
and so they were
coming over and i had a big bottle of that and my house
smelled like weed so i
sprayed the
whole bottle because i was so scared to
call the ambulance
to the house too yeah
how many times
it’s a payment plan with the hospital
so how many times do you call the ambulance
bro this is
true that i
know of if it’s a
story because i don’t want it to be guomi
so ralphime guam so
so i spray a
whole bottle because i’m so
stoned and paranoid i didn’t want
to get in trouble
and so they come in here
and they’re like you’re fine you know your heart’s a
little racing whatever you’re
fine you’re probably fucked up from all this orange
spray because it was so
strong that they had to put masks on
it was too strong
and i was too
stoned to realize i
can’t believe you’ve called hospitals
twice you’ve called an
ambulance because you were too high
what i mean there’s a big
thing like when
i was a kid i had to take stress tests i had this
thing where i
would run around and blow
black out for
no reason and doctors have no idea why what
so i used to have to do whoa
whoa whoa whoa explain that
what happened so
it used to happen
like maybe four times when i was
a kid one time when i was running through the snow i
black out i wake up
and i’m all laying on the ground
second time
i’m riding my bike i fall off my bike for no reason i
blacked out
and there’s been there was like a couple different
times like that so they used to make me you just
blacked out
while you were riding a bike yeah so
they didn’t know why so they made me do the stress test
where they put these
things all over your body and you had to run
this treadmill for like an hour or something like that
and yeah and they
said we have no idea what’s
wrong with you
you know then i’ll
black out again and all this
but then it just stopped happening
and the only time it happens now is like when
you jerk off no no when you’re you know when you’re
drunk and you wake up real
quick to go to the bathroom and you
start going okay i
stood up too
quick and yeah i get that all the time yeah yeah
blood pressure from
blood pressure that’s just being hammered well
it happens more when you’re
drunk because of your
blood pressure pot accentuate
so anyways i
think when i was a kid that used
to always happen all the time and so then i was
extra paranoid with my
heart like just
freaks out all the time like they said that my
heart extra
not used to tell people i have
yeah baboon heart
i tell the ladies
i have a baboon
heart so i tell the girls
you should do a lot of cardio then
huh shouldn’t you like have a healthy
strong heart or the
exact opposite
yeah how does that work
i don’t want to use my
heart at all you know
is that the
case though what do they tell you what a doctor said
they have no idea whatever they
never found out what happened whoa
yeah but now it
doesn’t happen it’s not like i’m
blacking out anywhere you know so good
right but that’s why i
think in the past you know i get really big my heart
starts going
crazy a little bit different than
maybe wow okay
so it’s so freaky that you
think that you
might be having a
heart attack
right because when i was a kid ever
since i was like eight
i’ve had fucked up shit
yeah at this
point so you should
give you a hug
this story i
feel like i want to give you
a hug i feel like you’re a little kid that needs a hug
it’s like it’s like his mind’s playing trick song
i’ve seen somebody pass out from weed we were
in new york we’re filming fear factor
and there was a
bunch of people from the crew
we’re all hanging out
and there’s this nice lady from production
and she you know we all had a beer too and we’re all
out there in the street
so i go you guys want to get high
and they look at
me like what do you got what do you got i got a joint
i go i got some real shit you
wanna get high
and they’re like okay let’s do it
they’re just being
crazy i can’t believe we’re doing this
they just weren’t the type of people to get high we’re
gonna smoke on the street all
night if they do they don’t get high a lot
they might do it
every now and then at a
party or so
and so i pass
this joint around and they take like two hits each
you know which you don’t realize if you give
up for that medical
california medical
grade weed is
that’s like an
alien organism that takes over your entire body and
transports you to a nearby
dimension i
started smoking with the guy it was like half a hit was
so much do you remember maguire
remember when maguire
freaked out at the comedy
store and was
absolutely convinced someone dose the weed
brian i convinced that
he was like
those guys like
pete you’re
like oh he must have done something that weed
like i smoked it too he
never did anything
about weed some
other guy that guy that was from
texas and i
smoke that joint
too so i you know we had to tell
maguire no it’s just really good weed there’s no way
weed isn’t this strong
just don’t wait
i’m telling you man i’m telling you man i
think there’s a problem i
think there’s a real
genuine problem
i was like really
freaking out because he
doesn’t get high and chris is you know he’s a
small guy so
he was smoking with joey and me and
we’re hitting that weed
you know and whoo
two three hits if you’re a real rookie so this
chick we’re all out we’re all passing the joints around
they’re all freely to you want another one you sure all
right get in there look at you
second hit her eyes roll back in her head
and she just collapses
right there on the fucking sidewalk man and almost
cracked her head off a pole
we had to catch her
we were right there like luckily
her legs gave out
i thought she was kidding
i thought she was like whoa this weed so strong
but no her eyes rolled behind her head and she went
unconscious
like what is it
about your body that wants you to shut off
what kind of a
lack of self preservation does your body have
think about that shit
you get hit you get hurt
your body wants to shut off you
smoke some weed
you get too high
i think your body’s just not used to it’s like if you
went back in time and
saw yourself like you know when
michael j fox went back and saw himself and they both
fainted and
freaked out you know your mind just
shuts off because it’s too much
shock it’s like bam you’re
you know you just the
first time you take hair when
you barf well i don’t buy that because you’re
saying that you never
blacked out when you were on acid an acid
sounds way crazier than that if anything
should make you
black out it’s that no you won’t
it’s a smoke
i think you’re too
awake with the
acid you can’t
sleep for 12
hours shaun
i said the last
thing you want to do is sleep
right but that’s what i’m saying
but it’s insane
experience right
it’s like so overwhelming no
because i mean
every time i
black out it was out of the blue
i was just riding my bike bam
i was just running in the
you know snow
well that’s that you had a
weird condition when i’m talking
about like smoking weed or
drinking or something like that like
or even getting hit
like what a weird
thing it is that if you get hit and hurt
your body wants to just shut off
how’s that gonna help you
exactly it’s
gonna make you feel less pain as this animal is eating
right yeah absolutely yeah
as his animal as you’re getting crushed
deer is always
gonna accept the death
really yeah
you see them like they run they
run the kick and then it’s like they just lie there
you know that’s how native americans used to catch deer
before they invented
spears and even bows and
arrows they
would run after them
until the deer
would give up and die
yeah they still do it in some
parts of africa it’s like some sort of
what i do with bitches joe
just run after them
that’s my dog
that’s why they’re all wearing high heels and
skirts you can’t
maneuver with that kind of outfit on ho
they they do it in some parts of africa it’s like a
rite of passage you know you go
after an antelope
and fucking run that
bitch down to the
thing dies of fatigue
and then they stab it
wow yeah they run with a knife
carry it back yeah and then when the
thing gives
up and they just go over and fucking stab in the
heart and that’s a wrap
it just gives up
doesn’t can’t run anymore
do you think in africa
that is africa that has so much
food so much
aids right like most people
much like like it’s like
75 you said
like they have the most
conditions yeah yeah
but it’s like 75
aids there or something like that right
it’s crazy big well i don’t know what it is but
there’s a lot of aids so if you didn’t have aids you
would have the aids
right except
that no one likes
75 percent of
the people had aids that’s like the norm so
if you don’t have aids you have the aid so people are
looking out the window good look at him he looks like
he wears protection
you know like
would it be backwards world in
africa well
there’s a lot of debate when it comes to aids in africa
and the debate a lot of it is on what is
how do you define
aids do you
define aids by someone who has a
wrecked immune
system and what is that immune
system wrecked from can’t you just look
at it actually
is it actually
wrecked from hiv
is it wrecked from
other disease or is it
wrecked from
massive malnutrition
you know these people are like really
in terrible environments as far as like
clean water and
and food and
nutrition and there’s a lot of people that are
dying of all sorts of
crazy shit and i
think a lot of it gets lumped in as aids
you know there’s nothing there’s a lot
of issues so it’s not just hiv and hiv is certainly an
issue in africa
i mean there’s some insane amount of people have it
and on top of that
one of the ways
they try to cure it is they try to kill albinos
and they do
witchcraft and shit
with albinos fuck a virgin
and fuck virgins yeah fuck a virgin you get rid
of aids virgins have aids
they believe that yeah you can get rid of yeah
so do you have a rape on 12 year old
yeah it’s kind of urgent
i mean we talk
about africa so
often because if you want to get online
start tweaking
and weirding out
about the state of the
world go look at africa man africa is
i think i’m
not going to africa man no
got no desire
we talked to
ufc going to africa
i don’t think so
probably i can say
that talk about us
going to brazil man
rossi just talking
about we’re
definitely going back to to
australia we’re
going all over the fucking
place on cool
there was a real bad decision at the last year of see
man’s talking
about and that’s bullshit that is one of the
that’s just
ridiculous i like how you
your speech though that was fucking awesome
perfect it’s exactly what i
think most people were thinking
i said that we have to get rid of some of these
judges that you said
during the what during another fight
oh well during the middle of the
fight i was talking
about the last fight
it was such a bad decision i’ve never had
that many people
screaming bullshit like the
whole crowd was
screaming bullshit
they were all pissed
you know there was very few people
cheering it was like obviously namfam won
even the fighter was like i know i lost yeah
i did the who
doesn’t say you lost now though
oh he doesn’t now
he thinks he won
some of the post
about interview
i did way more damage
oh yeah what’s the
what’s the count like
those websites that deal all the counts
and we beat them by
a considerable margin on the
counts of like connecting
and also you know it’s not
not just that it’s like
the second round was so overwhelming for that dude
there’s a bunch of issues
one of the issues is the actual scoring
system that they have in place
is taken from boxing and it’s not a good scoring
system the 10
point must system because
there’s a guy
named doc hamilton
and he’s a referee who has
a really or he’s a
judge rather and he was a
referee as well
and he has a good idea and it’s a half
point system
and what that
system would be like say
like the first
round of nan fan and
and leonard garcia
you would say nam fan won but how
closely did he win it and
maybe half a
point give him a half
point but the
second round
he took him down he beat him up like the
second round was pretty
clear so you give him a full
point for that round
and then the
third round who won that
round well you know
i could see a debate either way
and that would be a half
point round as well that gets rid
of people like barely losing two rounds
crushing another round
and getting lost
which is like
cheat and rampage was a perfect example
you know a lot of people gave rampage
to the first two
rounds because he pushed the fight
but but the
third round was
clearly machida because he did a
bunch of damage and he took rampage down
so rampage would
maybe get half a
point for each of the first
and then there
would be a third
round machita
would get a full
point for that round
and then what
would happen is if it was a draw
which it would be in that case
they would rely on a fourth judge
who only calculates damage
so the fourth
judge through the
whole fight like say if you take him down you
get him in side control that’s x amount of points and
and if you hit him
with a leg kick that makes him wince that’s x amount of
points and he tallies all this up
while the fight’s going on
so this guy
doesn’t have to decide who wins each round
all this fourth guy is doing is there more
damage yeah who’s
doing more damage and then
how would they judge
almost got a rear
naked choker almost got so they would
do what’s called damage they
would do what’s called a
catch and they used to do this in japan
when a guy was really close to
landing a submission
like say if he got the back
got the hooks in
he’s over the chin
but he’s trying to
choke the guy and it’s not
quite in yet it’s called
catch and what
catch is like it’s really
close it’s really close
like this is a near
submission and that
counts as points
why don’t they
make the judges have to be x
fighters or at
least have black belts
and they’re not allowed to play
angry birds i mean let them do something that’s
absolutely 100
what i’ve been saying
and what i’ve been saying for a long time
is that there’s a lot of fans as well and people that
train as well
that would love to do it but the problem is
is that the way
state athletic
commissions are like they’re just like
working for the government and it’s really hard to get
fired super hard to get fired and
everybody wants to
think that there’s no problem
and everybody
wants to say oh we’re doing our best and everybody
doesn’t agree on
fights and these are good
judges and no they’re not
there’s a lot of shit
they don’t know a lot of them come over from boxing
they literally have
no experience and no
training in the
sport other than people explaining to them what
these moves are
and then they have to
judge them just the highest
levels of the game it’s so hard to know
where you stand
if judges can be two rounds off
it’s terrible i mean someone
could be like i won
those two rounds someone else like i won
those two rounds yeah
and there’s some of them
there’s some of them that really really suck
there’s some of them that really have
no idea what they’re doing and i have friends who are
judges who have told me in frustration
that certain
women judges
have actually turned to them in the middle of
fights while a guy was obviously
attempting a
certain position like a kimora or something like that
and said what is this what is he doing what is he doing
literally it’s like your
girlfriend judging a fight
you know i’m saying like she
doesn’t know what’s happening
he’s got cute hair he totally wins
and my point on it
and the reason why i said it
is because one of my biggest issues is that the guy
who’s the president of
the nevada state athletic
commission the guy is running everything
he’s not willing to
admit that he has not done the best job possible
with the best intentions of the
sport in its participants
he has not done the best job possible
he’s trying to pretend that the people that he has in
place are fine and that
everything’s good
and it’s not good
he says boss
bad decision
after bad decision
after bad decision
with no change
because in order to make a change
he has to admit that there’s a problem
and if he admits there’s a problem then he
admits he’s
wrong and that’s something that politicians
never want to do
he tries to pretend that
everything’s fine so he
keeps employing the same people with the same problems
and it’s been
the same guy forever
yeah the state athletic
commission guy has been the same
and who’s his boss anybody i don’t know
i don’t know who it is but you know people are
emailing man people
going crazy
after this one
we need to find out who his boss is
his twitter
the online community is taking care of everything
the online community is beyond pissed at all this
these people are huge fans and
these people
appreciate what all
these fighters
have to go through that there’s a massive fucking
commitment involved in trying to be a professional mma
fighter and the last
thing they should have to deal with
at this level of the game
is a bunch of people judging the
fights that don’t know what’s
going on it’s one
thing if it’s a subjective opinion and
there’s one guy that says i
think that leg kicks don’t
count as much as head punches
because head
punches can
knock you out leg kicks it takes a
bunch of them
there’s a lot of subjective
you know arguments
about what’s more you know what’s you know what’s
worth more take
down or you know a good jab you know what is
worth more if a guy takes you down and he
doesn’t really do anything when he got you down
but you hit him with a
stiff jab and his nose is bleeding
isn’t the stiff jab
worth more what is
worth more it’s an interesting debate
but this isn’t
a debate man this is like people don’t know shit
they just don’t know and it’s
crazy to watch
and it’s crazy to
watch this guy
who’s at the head of the
state athletic
commission pretend that it’s not a problem
just pretend
that everything’s fine
nevada is look
it’s not just
nevada there’s issues with other
states and the
other states will grow
with mixed martial arts is a new
sport and a lot of these
states they’re trying to
put their athletic
commissions together and they’re trying to
piece it together and they’re trying to do the
right thing
boston is doing
a real good job and one of the guys in the
commission is actually my former karate teacher
he’s got joe
esposito so there’s a lot
of martial artists that’s what you want
you want people that are real real fans of the sport
i don’t believe this guy’s a fan of the
sport i believe this guy’s a politician
and i don’t believe
that’s good for what we need
i think what’s
going on is that we have a
bunch of people
that were grandfathered in from boxing so there are all
these people that work for the
state athletic commission
they’re judging boxing fights
and now they say well okay this is boxing but there’s a
bunch of other
stuff going on to like take downs and
that’s like you me
someone coming up to me and saying hey dude
you are you are a commentator on
mixed martial arts right
we want you to
start commentating on football
right and you be like
i don’t know anything
about football well they hit each
other they slam into each
other and it’s violent just
do that thing you do do that
thing you do
exactly and i’d be like what do i have to do i have to
judge football shit
uh did he do the
right thing
and you know you don’t you don’t fucking you don’t
understand the
sport man you got to
understand the
sport to be judging it you have to participate in it
you have to have
trained you have to have some
experience you have to know somewhere
along the line it just makes yes
reason classes at
the housewife
and i got nothing
against housewives but
they don’t know
for the training
take them to a gym and show them the moves exactly
not just showing the moves man i
think you need to train
and i don’t
think we need i
think there’s
plenty of fucking people out there that have
there’s x fighters there’s
people that are just big fans of the sport that
understand all the aspects of it the ground game the
stand up game
and you have to have that and
most importantly you have to have
a very deep and
sincere appreciation of what
these guys go
through and how much they’re putting out there
what they’re laying on the line
and in my opinion when you keep
using weak officials
and you keep having problems with with judging
you’re not respecting what
these guys are
doing there’s a
sport a little bit does hurt
every time a bad to
every booze
like wait one
that seems cheap
exactly it seems
rigged and that’s why i had to say it man
and they’re like well why’d
you have to say that that’s not a professional it’s
absolutely professional you
have to say it
if i don’t say it it’s not professional
who’s gonna say it if i don’t nobody we’re just gonna
stick our head
in the sand and pretend there’s no not an issue
these people that are
watching this at home
they’ll start
screaming the ufc’s
fixed it’s like fucking
wrestling it’s like boxing it’s
bullshits fix can’t get into if you don’t know who’s
ahead and who’s winning
and it’s that
so i had to let i had to let people know
that it’s not
fixed it’s incompetence
and they want to continue
the way it’s always been and they don’t want me talking
about it it’s hilarious the
whole thing’s hilarious
you know speaking of hilarious
speaking of hilarious i have a show tonight yes
at the melrose improv
fascinating and hilarious
it’s a storyteller
show and joe diaz is performing as well that’s right
what are you talking
about joey it’s a
story when ari
does these really interesting shows at the improv
lab and what it is is there’s the improv
on melrose and there’s another room
right next to it that’s the lab
and it’s all like
i’ve done it a couple times it’s all like
experimental shit
like dudes just go up and tell stories
about things
some guys try to do
stand up some guys do but some guys just live
and up there
the pub the fuck
story once huff because everyone has fuck stories
as bitch you know
there was a few guys i walked in on i’m like this guy’s
violating the
principle this guy’s doing his act like with all the
pauses in the right
places and like
but you know
some people just went up and told stories and
tommy chong told the
story about how he got arrested and how he got
complacent and
stuff about
drugs and you know in airports and stuff
this is really interesting it’s on the lineup
the lineup is bill burr
joey diaz nice
kathleen madigan nice
bobby lee nice
and steve ag
you can’t go
wrong with that that’s five
bucks and it’s
five dollars it’s only five dollars and tonight at
eight o’clock
and how do they
get tickets you can go to the improv dot com
and look for the hollywood
if you wanna go don’t
sleep get tickets now because we’re talking
about this shit a lot of people are listening
a lot of people
gonna hear about it on twitter it’s
gonna sell out tonight
cause it’s only
like was it like a hundred seats that road
it’s gonna be the main room
oh you doing the main room yeah they
moved it oh shit
fucking around that’s how big it is
bitches this shit’s getting large yeah
go in there and there’s a code to get cheaper um
service charges
t i n h p this is not happening presents
that’s the name
t i n h p yeah
how much cheaper are the
drinks if they say that not the drinks
that the service
charge if you buy the tickets online there’s an extra
three dollar charge that’s
a five dollar
ticket they charge you
three extra per
ticket and i’m
like what the fuck is that and they’re like all
right we’ll
offer you some sort of
coupon yeah
what why would it cost them
three dollars to process a credit card left
anything under like
twenty bucks
cost that much
it’s modem fee
what are service fees when you’re
using a computer
no one’s doing it exactly i
print up my own
ticket what so
that’s supposed to be the whole
thing i mean you are paying
taxes on it aren’t you don’t you pay taxes on
ticket part of it
yeah part of the why
why don’t have to be a service fee
well build it into the
ticket right
yeah that and
see that i mean that was a
there’s people are
greedy man people
people just want too much
money for shit yeah
yeah you know you’re not
supposed to get rich selling tickets asshole you know
all you doing is like providing people with the little
piece of paper that gets them into the show
the show is
where it’s at
so you shouldn’t be getting almost as much as the show
the show’s getting five
bucks you get
three fuck you douchebag
yeah that’s when it
doesn’t work out that’s ridiculous
use that code it’s only a dollar don’t kill us
so this is not happening
this is not happening
presents n h p h p
the shows the year in review we’re just doing
all the topics we’ve done so far what are you talking
about tonight ideas
i got a few ideas
even though yeah
i have a few ideas i
haven’t really
i haven’t really
got deeper you
got so many goddamn stories
never met a
human being that has more stories in you
today you told new ones
i didn’t think you had any new ones i’ve
known you for over a decade and
every fucking
time we talked to so new one comes out man
he remembers
i don’t know how you do it i don’t know how you’ve
your life must have been insane
your life growing
up as a kid must have been just fucking
completely insane
the amount of stories that you have i love it
talk good to
that i love it cocksucker
hey have you
guys been paying attention to this wikileak shit yeah
they arrested the guy for having sex without a condom
is that what
it was yeah like that shit so fake that he’s
gonna be dead in like
three days they arrested him on a charge in
sweets somehow
similar to rape
to not it’s something it’s like
charging with somebody sodomy here
if you have sex without a condom
unconsensually
no it’s consensual
yeah twice two girls
again they’re trying
to kill this guy or give him some drug or touch his
right but i didn’t know
that that’s what the charge was i thought it was like
sexual assault or something like that they trumped up
really yeah
really yeah
are you sure no i’m not sure i don’t even know if the
guy that’s his real name i don’t know what anything is
could you imagine if
it’s not even real he’s just like an actor that they’re
using to get all this information out the
whole thing is very strange man they’re releasing all
these secrets
about china
they’re all
these chinese studies that
they’re doing man one of them was quantum teleportation
well cool quantum communication i
guess it’s not as like
space 1999 as we’re
wrapping our heads around it’s not like
star trek we’re teleporting
things from one
place to another
but they’re working on some
some way of distributing information
where it only
exists in one
place then you can
transport it to another
place it’s like
totally undecided
uncrackable the idea
is that you
could have like you know you
could send information not have to
worry about anybody
picking it up
along the way
you know this
whole thing happened because there was an employee
that brought in a lady gaga cd
and it looked like he was just fucking playing
music on his computer
and this motherfucker was just downloading shit
onto this cd r with lady gaga written on it wow yeah
that’s what happened man
the whole thing is very fascinating
91 000 classified us
military documents
were dumped last week you just saying fuck it
it’s for everybody now
this guy just i don’t know i don’t know how it all got
started but i’m fascinated i have
heard i heard a
story on npr
about it and they said they have
pleaded with him sometimes we’re like
about certain
things so i don’t
release this and he’s listened to them a couple times
where he’s like okay you’ve made a point
this will hurt people
i’m gonna not release that
has he done that yeah we
won’t release a few
thing where
it’ll just lead to someone’s harm and
no one needs that information
man the whole
thing is such a trip
you know it’s
we’re finding out how they communicate and how they
talk about different parts of the
world and all the different
problems that people have yeah
here’s one of them a
texas company they’re saying help pimp little boys
to afghani cops
this is really
crazy that should be released yeah well who’s not
gonna hurt besides the people who doing stuff yeah
the company’s called din
corp private security contractor tasked with
training the afghan police
the company is officially
based in dc area most of its business is managed on a
satellite campus
at alliance airport
north of fort worth
and one of the diplomatic
cables from the wikileaks archives is to be believed
these guys apparently are this is somebody
this guy named
hans von posted this on the rogan
board this they
apparently were
bringing in boys
this is fucking crazy man
and you got to
think man look
there’s if you know anything
about afghanistan
that is the tradition there it’s been
going on for
a long long time if they have sex with boys
it’s like guys
have gone over there i’ve talked to military guys when
we do especially when we do these
fights for the troops
you get a long time to talk to
these dudes
and this guy was telling me
about catching guys fucking
like you would just in afghanistan they would just
catch guys fucking
like they’d be on patrol
or they’d be doing something they’d be the
two soldiers be fucking no no no
no no two afghanis
they’re just banging each other
like they just pull over somewhere and they just
you know they’re behind a fucking fence fucking each
other sucking each
other’s cocks or something
like it’s like
they have sex with boys all the time over there
it’s apparently just
you know you hear
about it like the greek
empire and the
roman empire well
apparently it’s
still going on in certain parts the
thing is like okay you
might make a call
where it’s like that’s acceptable in
their society
so we’re gonna
allow it but you
shouldn’t hide it
yeah little boys man like
young boys it’s like
super common
apparently they
smoke a lot of pot to the afghan
soldiers so this company that was
shipping the
the kids out
where they shipping them out of
texas twelve
get like the american
boys i don’t that’s a good question i didn’t read the
whole story
no way yeah
happy that be nuts
no it has to be afghani boys
i would assume
right did they
charge a service fee of the
order online
for those who can’t
get close for free
baca bazi is a pre
islamic afghan tradition that was banned by the taliban
and baca boys are 8 to 15 years old
they put on makeup they tie bells to their feet
and they slip into scanty women’s
clothing and then
to the wind of harmonium and wailing
vocals they
dance seductively to smoky roomfuls of leering
older men this is what this guy wow
hans von wrote that’s fucking crazy man
wow there’s no
shame in having a little boy
lover on the
contrary it’s a matter of pride
those who can afford the most
attractive boy are players
the ogs of places like kandahar and
coast how old is the boy
it’s a front line
video 8 to 15
8 to 15 that
seems too young i
mean i could sort
of see you know what dude
we’ve talked
about this before but
you people get used to
everything you
know people get used to whatever the
culture is around you you get used to
the crazy traditions that people have as far as like
you know when i was in
germany they had a
television channel that was
it was the hodge on mecca
yeah that’s how you say it the hodge
anyway it’s on tv 24
hour mecca cam
and there’s a if you ever seen mecca there’s like a
building it’s like this
flat box that’s in the center
and all these people are milling
around this
and i’m looking at this and i’m like you could if you
started this up tomorrow
and you said
hey you know this is what we’re doing we’re gonna all
meet in this one
super secret cool spot
and we’re gonna
start walking around in a circle
where people
would start
going what’s
in that box why am i walking around this this is
stupid why do i have to wear this
white robe what’s in
the box exactly what is it i don’t know i have no idea
but the point is that
it’s been done for so long
they’re doing it’s normal it’s
just normal just the
thing we do so
if it’s banging kids or if it’s
everybody bangs kids okay i’ll get a kid to bang
you know what is it you know
those african
women that like fucking
stuff plates in
their lips or
those tie people that like
stick fucking
swords through
their faces
why do they do that because they’re
all doing it everybody’s done it so you do it too
you know just a lot of follow the leader
going on with people man
and somehow or another if they all decide that
banging kids is okay
then it’s okay
then it’s okay yeah dog
fighting is okay in a lot of
cultures a lot of
cultures yeah
and how can you
blame somebody
all the indians that come
over here like wait you’re not allowed to have sex with
a 17 year old i don’t
understand yeah
i don’t know about that
you know my gardener
my ex gardener actually
used to fight chickens really
that’s illegal
so he used to fight chickens
so he took me to
he’s not the guy who works for me now
so um he used to fight chickens and he took me to
you know check the
party’s house yeah
this guy has a whole backyard set up
it’s in the most
mexican neighborhood of la you’ve ever been to ever
i don’t wanna say
where it is but
you get there and all the signs are in spanish bro
everything’s in spanish everyone’s mexican for
blocks and blocks and blocks
and everyone’s got chickens
the whole backyards
everywhere you go
pitbulls and chickens
these motherfuckers had pitbulls and chickens
and my gardener
i gave him one of my pitbull puppies so he had one of
frank’s puppies
turned out to be a
crazy dog that’s a long story
and he’s got like fucking
twenty chickens in his backyard wow all
these guys would go and they
would get hammered
and they would they
would roast a goat that’s what they do that kill a goat
and they would
put a fire in the ground
put the goat on a spit
roll the goat around a barbecue and then they’d
start chicken
fights and they
would get fucking hammered
and they’d all get together and this guy had a
giant yard it was all set up with chicken like
breeding that
sounds fun to me
that sound funny barbecued
booze and just the people like what are you doing it’s
cruelty to animals and forcing
these animals to
fight each other
i guess but
you know how
come it’s okay to eat them
but it’s not okay to
watch them beat the fuck out of each other yeah
isn’t that what they want to do they kill them i guess
the problem is also they give
razor blades they put
razor blades on
their spurs oh
yeah they don’t
mean they don’t cut each
other up because of
their beaks that shit would take
forever wow yeah they totally fix it
the way they
fight is kind of harmless
i mean they can hurt each
other eventually but
it’s gonna take some time
so they put
razor blades on their spur
they put spurs on
their paws so
instead of just clawing another one you just chop it up
obviously i don’t
think you should have chicken
fights but for them it’s a huge part of
their culture and it’s a lot
of fucking fun and they love it and they gamble on it
they all get together and you know he
would tell me
about the different
strains of rooster
about his friend
has this new
strain it’s like
championship
fighting strain
and he brought it in and he
brought this the rooster and they showed me the rooster
like taking to the cage
he’s a bad motherfucker you see this rooster
he’s all sinewy and shit
with you know like it’s fucking evil looking
his eyes you can tell whoa this is good genetics
prime brewster assassin genetics
you have chicken bites me growing up
no i’ve seen him too
hot fights that’s what they call man yeah
roy jones junior
apparently likes to
fight chickens
really yeah
somebody’s telling me a
story about him when he was in the prime of his career
when roy jones was like roy
jones you know
it’s like dominating everybody he was in a private jet
and he had to
stop over somewhere to pick up some chickens
so he stopped
over and they’re flying in a private jet with roy
jones and his
boxes of chicken all
over the place
on a fucking private jet
roy jones is
chilling with his fucking
with his nikes on and shit
wow diamonds
and shit with chickens he just likes chicken
fights man who
doesn’t it’s a strange
thing you know
the need to bet on animals chit
fighting to thrill
yeah it is well it’s like you know
the fix is not in
yeah they’re
gonna go for it yeah
it’s true that’s true too but when you see the chickens
fighting you see
these people there
these people are scary
oh yeah oh it’s not
otb bitch no this
is a little
level deeper than otb
track bettering
off track betting
on the closed tv
in new york
what was the original
the one did you see
why thousand them all over
they’re trying to get
legislatures
some shit on
let people gamble god damn it
people don’t realize how many people out there are
well they should let people gamble online
they should let people gamble in pool halls
in bowling alleys
gambling is fun
it should be
completely totally
legal and the idea behind it is
that oh people get addicted to gambling it’s dangerous
people get addicted to anything
i’ve been addicted to q tips
you know should q tips be illegal come on man this is
stupid let them gamble god damn it
who’s one person
to tell you what you can and can’t do with your
money that’s all your
money or something yeah just tax it
tax it and if it’s a personal
thing between two people like playing
guys will play
basketball they should be
allowed to gamble it’s kind of fun i
could sell you an old
you know dvd
don’t pay taxes on that it’s like what
exactly why
are you probably should
claim it any wow
i think you
should be able
to gamble and whatever the fuck you want it’s not even
you shouldn’t have it’s not income man
you know why because
when you work you earn something and that’s income
professional
gamers they pay income
taxes yeah but that’s different that’s a job
you know i’m saying i mean
these guys are
entering into
professionally run tournaments and shit but
what i’m saying is if you’re betting 20 bucks
and against
against another guy was also betting 20
bucks when you win that 20
bucks you shouldn’t have to pay
taxes on because you
risk 20 to make 20
you know i’m saying
that’s yeah yeah
yeah it’s not like
charging points or anything right
or an entry
fee you pay 50
grand to get into the
world chesapeake
lose it all or
win it all exactly lose it all or win it all
it’s not like
pay 50 bucks to
win 5 million yes two dudes putting them both up yeah
what does it cost when you go into the world
series of poker it’s not cheap
right 10 grand
10 000 dollars
god damn you
gotta be a player
you gotta be a player to step up and
throw 10 grand
at a game that you’re probably not
gonna win probably like 9
500 to 9700 that goes to the prize pool
my friend justin from
the actionreport com he’s a guy that you met the big
giant burly dude who
he does the
all the live
streams for pool matches and shit
and he was talking to me
about poker players
about poker players are
starting to gamble on pool now
because poker players don’t give a fuck
about 10 000
10 000 isn’t
shit to them
a pool player it’s a big score
so these poker players when they’re bored
this this is one guy
named dippy dave he’s like the rage
of the fucking pool community because he’s going off
he’s like losing
twenty thousand
thirty thousand there and he just won eighty thousand
he beat this guy alex pagulane is his top level
filipino player
a lot of the best players from the philippines
the top level
filipino player beat him for 80 000 and everybody’s
going crazy
this guy’s like willing to
place it but they give him a
crazy spot they play a game called one pocket
and instead of like
having an even number of balls they need to get in each
other’s pocket
the filipino guy has to get 18 and he has to get four
to make it somewhat even
it’s a ridiculous spot it’s not really happen to
play well that game then it’s
like exactly so he’s winning he’s winning some of the
some of the matches
but you know
these poker players man there they they were used to
gambling like a million
dollars on this and a million dollars on that and
that book that you told me to read i bought it
about that guy
who is the really felix
unger what’s his
name stewart
stewart unger
unger poker all
right let’s find out real quick
still longer still
the lava lamp yeah
made tons of
money lost it all
fucking living large
yeah want a
ton of money
again lost it all
well that’s the deal with all
these guys they’re
crazy crazy like
wild gamblers
like the the best guys apparently
one of the the attributes they have they’re
not afraid to lose oh yeah so they that’s how they win
yeah they just
throw money
at shit and they like see what happened alex palguy
this guy wins
thirty thousand dollars playing poker okay
he’s just like
kicking everybody’s ass playing poker gets his
money up so
he’s good looking for another game another pool match
has a couple
drinks goes to the roulette
table roulette
table blows it off yeah
goes to the dice
table blows it all
just one of
those guys he has ten thousand dollars in his pocket
that’s just i
gotta i gotta be an action man i
gotta be an action
well they get
crazy and start going off
that’s a weird
addiction the addiction to gamble yeah
i growing up around
in pool playing
at this place
white plains billions
there was a
bunch of people in
new york when i when i
lived there in
white plains
executive billions
in white plains
and there was a
bunch of people that were like serious
hardcore gambling addicts
i’ve never seen anything like it in my life man
they had to be in action
in something playing gin
playing pool
going to the race
tracks otherwise there’s no fun for them
there’s nothing there
life was all
about action i was hooked on
sport gaming
for about four months
and i fucking
hate it really i did it as a means to survive
i was a plot man you’re real good at
breaking down
fights and i
would imagine you
would be real good at
breaking down games as well but
you can’t do it
every day no
why is that
go to the well it’s impossible the odds always
against your
vegas keeps getting bigger and bigger
a professional gambler
knows when to go in bang
and pull out four nights
and get something else that’s
very high percentage he looks at the time of the year
he looks at so many variables who won on saturday
who won on friday but it
seems to me that
it seems to me that it’d be super
risky no matter what even if you’re really good at it
what’s the odds that you win is it 55 60 like 70
they always get you and this is the time of the year
right now where they shut the
lights on motherfucker but who do
you know if
you get up to 60
wins that’s
great that’s
great right that’s great yeah
and that’s why when guys go on bad
streaks they go bad and it gets
scary cause they
could one up totally dead dead
empty there’s
these guys that take 19 picks
i love when i make a joy karate
video and people like
you gotta put
the picks for all of them you dumb fuck everybody’s
gonna go four and four
or three and five you dummy
i’m trying to
give you info here so you can go through and
three specific
so you have a net winner
so at least you
cover on one of the
points you just not sitting there fucking
sweating i’m not sure if the
sports book
covers all the
fights either
they only cover a couple of them but because
a lot of people like you
bring in guys like charles
oliveira from brazil or something
like that like who the fuck knows who that guy is
there was a lot of dudes man in the
early days of the ufc
that they used to put the line on when the
especially when i
fight to the palm and shit
they would put a line up and i
would look at the line i go i
gotta bet these guys
know who the fuck this guy is
there was a
bunch of times
where i was
stealing money
you would think some guy was a fan favorite
cause a lot
of people knew
about him so they
would put money on whatever the
pride guys came
over might bet
against them
yeah because everyone
thinks their name is bigger than they are
well the pride guy’s the situation with
pride is first of all
apparently according to phil baroni
it’s much tougher to fly from
japan to america
than it is from america to japan
something to do with like rhythm and
cycles of your body
he totally truly believes this
and he says this is the reason why
these japanese
guys come over here and they don’t do so well
but another problem with
japan is they were allowed
to free ball and take whatever the fuck they wanted
these guys were just it was a wild west man
they were just taking all kinds of good bob
sap and bob sap was
three hundred and
seventy five
pounds with abs
have you ever even seen anything like that before
three seven
and you work with them joey
you work with them on the longest yard
what was that like then he couldn’t pick me up
really he couldn’t pick me there was one
scene where he was supposed to
carry me he couldn’t pick me up
joey you put how big were you back
three ninety
that’s wow he was
three seventy five and he couldn’t pick me up
jeez so if he had a
fight arrest i bet fucking
against him
yeah there’s
restoration
but dude very few people can hoist
up a 390 pound man
there’s not a
whole lot of people
that’s a different kind of weight
it’s the way you stand
i know a lot of people
if i had to carry you
out of a burning
building we’re both
gonna die not really
i have to drag you
if you use your technique
jiu jitsu technique
my jiu jitsu technique
shit what about my back
you ate 390 bro
you know what i
could do 390 for one squat with a bar people
like cutting man
shit weighed perfectly
on my shoulders
with a spotter
you know making sure there’s a bar in
place 390 of human
bone and movable
tissue and everything
with a move
the ball sack
throwing off the equilibrium
my head and my ball sack that
throws you right the fuck
right when i get you on my
shoulder i step on your dick and trip oh
that was the
scale of that
was a mess i can
pick you up man
i remember one time you were sitting in a
chair and i got behind you and i put you in a gable
grip and i just let me see if i
could hoist
this dude up
it was a joke it was like trying to pick up a house
i was like i
might as well have been trying to pick up my
house you just
didn’t budge
no room i i gripped a
whole of them
tighten down i just arched my back is like nothing
it was like there’s not my body is like dude you’re
gonna break
everything if you try this
stop what you’re doing stupid
no fucking chance
no chance we get that water dog i’m over here dying of
thirst that’s right i ate a banana
bread before i came up i’m fucked up oh really i was
sitting here just
something happened over the last hour where you slow
down considerably
sunk into the hole but i’m back bitch and i’m saying i
never go down like that i’m like columbus
i keep coming at you
woman i’m in china woman i’m in new york
we’re back bitches
what about flashlight give my holla just little
brother in the
house flashlight
the only i want to get my boy dougie knuckles
a fucking holla down in
florida holding it tight with a bicycle him his buddy
tommy wagner
my buddy dougie knuckles
a fucking animal i read this
thing he really
wrote all around the
other and a bicycle tricycle
is back on he’s got a big fucking head to dougie
knuckles almost bigger than mine
and that’s it
guys you know what i’m saying we’re here we’re clear
everything’s beautiful what
go to the economist com
this is my late
my latest cosmology
article that i’m fascinated with i
haven’t quite
wrapped my head around it so i don’t want to
comment on it totally
but the idea is that
the headline is in contradiction to most cosmologists
opinions two scientists have
found evidence that universe
that the universe may have
existed forever
there has been no big bang and then it’s just constant
and it goes on forever
and it never ends
which is what i’ve always thought was right
i mean i know i’m an
idiot and i
shouldn’t be commenting on what cosmologists say
i always felt like
our need for anything to be beginning and ending so we
could wrap our
heads around it cause we
begin an end
based on our own biological
limitations we
think that someone
thing has to have a
birth and it’s also
the game over it’s like
where do you go
after the end of
space where do you go
after that where do you go
after you die nothing
we had a weird time man we’re
learning some shit
about the universe and
learning some shit
about just reality that no
human beings have ever been able to wrap
their heads around
you know i had
a conversation with someone the other day
about you know how people you know they were talking
about egyptians and
how much the
egyptian people knew to be able to create
those structures
and i’m like
yeah but probably was pretty interesting but i karen
teu we know more now oh yeah
so much more they knew some
crazy shit they knew how to
build some amazing
structures that we can’t
quite wrap our heads around today
but believe me
everything gets
more complex from the beginning of the universe
from the beginning of life on this planet from you know
the fucking
birth of our star
everything has gotten more and more
weird and always will be you go to
those mountains in
colorado you hike up
those mountains
don’t make me home surprised
you see some shit up in
those mountains
and you gotta think that
two million years ago
there was water here
mm hmm there was
water here yeah my
thing is this has
never began listed
start with a boom
civilizations have come and gone
eight times on the same fucking planet
eight times
at least and we’ve
ended with an 80 year
war drought
whatever suited you know
get started with a cannonball
and it just kept evolving
and you know we have
paperwork to document
this back to jesus now
you know there’s
always one guy that ends up like fucking your
buddy there
the scientologist the
black dude in that
movie go henry
where he lived in a fucking
cave by himself with the german shepherd will smith
go whatever
henry what’s
his name i am
legend i am legend
you know and also he meets a brody
fucks and then
four people then we go on and your grandpa
you know i don’t
think we just
existed and
died i always think that
there’s been a
bunch of different versions of
humanity a bunch
of different
versions of humanity
man we’ve talked
about graham
hancock on this podcast a
bunch of times but if you ever want to get into that
folks there’s a guy
named grand hancock who
wrote a book called fingerprints the gods
he wrote a bunch of books
underworld is another one that deals with all
these different cities that they
found underneath the
ocean oh please there’s so many different
structures man
giant man made
structures roads and shit
the earth used to be
used to have a much
lower level of
the sea level was much lower
and we had much more ice
everywhere and that ice
you know melted at a certain
point in time with what we’re
worried about
today everyone’s
worried about global warming
while the ice caps melt
that shit has happened so many times over the course of
humanity and there’s all this evidence with
these cities that are in the
ocean and it
shifted you have brought a
point up that they
found fucking this is
alone right here
i had a thought
and just this
makes my hypothesis stronger
you said that they found the
tooth in montana
of a dinosaur that
lived only on megalodons
for sharks two
million years ago but
i don’t know the info
but right there what the fuck was the
shark doing
in the mountains of montana that’s one of the best
places to find a megaddon
ball that’s what i’m saying that was
covered at one time
and one civilization a long long fucking time ago
before the chinese even existed
and came over and
built the railroad tracks
there was a complete different
civilization here totally
well you know chinese
were over here before anybody there yes they were
yes they were they
found chinese bones the oldest bones they’ve ever
found in north america
from a chinese person
that was 10
000 years ago
believe it dog i believe
it that’s why native
this shits wrong
it’s you know well the indians
you know we know that’s they came from asia too that’s
where the indians came from
you know or
you know native americans you should say
hawaii always
freaks me out the most man
when you think that this is fairly recent
in the terms of
millions of years
this volcano
erupted in the middle of the ocean
not near anything
and there’s all
these motherfuckers and you know how those
countries are populated
they go from one island and they take canoes
yeah to another island they can’t even see whoo
they don’t even know it’s there they just
start canoeing out
yeah and they did it back before gps
before they didn’t i don’t even
give a fuck
fuck you did
they went to her to sell
me get a gps
they didn’t give a fuck they got a
blanket and took a chance
you know what i’m saying go east cocksuck
they do that the polynesians like
those people that originally
found hawaii no wonder why they’re so
adamant about it being theirs
imagine how
hard it was to get there
and you bitches are
cheating by getting on a
delta flight and coming over to your
stupid fucking flower
shirt with the polynesian
i don’t know
the whole area i don’t know where
but when i was a kid there
was a polynesian restaurant in my neighborhood the
maikai that
motherfucker used to kick
that place we kicked they used to have a bartender
henry with karate chop
he let you karate chop them
they were the only joint that would have
spare ribs in the
thing we got to go get some cuban
crew we got to go to versailles
and encino soon
now there’s another
place is a couple good
versailles is good that chicken
soup they have and that garlic chicken with onions
or the one that was sienna
guerrilla what’s that cost
another versailles
another one on venice
we’re saying there’s i don’t know
what they’re all like because i’ve only
eaten at the one and encino but
they all different they got a one in silver
late that’s
tremendous i’ll
coach you eat
those never trust the
people that make shitty food man
countries that foods that
whether foods not tasting the fucks
you weirdos
yeah you boring cunts
well that’s the
first way you
like people
it’s true they’re
fool oh yeah
fucking spaghetti
it’s not the case with english anymore though
english restaurants
there’s a lot of dope restaurants in england
i’m in london i
guess too they have a
good food all kinds of food it’s like you know you hear
about it like
that’s the old cliche like from bill hicks material
about english food being bad but
i’ve had some
great english food there’s a lot of
great restaurants
in there where you go over there there’s a
bunch of different
places but it’s like things
we are food or is it just food no
food food you know there’s like
you know fine
restaurants there i’m working on that passport england
australia i’m working on it how are you
gonna i’m gonna come invade
on you motherfuckers within a year
is that possible
bro don’t worry
about nothing i made of college
take australia if you want
i can’t go right now but
where can you go
we’re working on it
right now so don’t keep
tweeting me
but what happens when you
land and i’m
gonna have to
break away from you and hide that’s fine
you’re gonna have
to go through it
i’m not with you
eddie bravo had a gun charge
from when he was younger when he used to work for a
check cashing company he was totally
legit and legal
he had the gun on him because he worked for
dangerous you know the dangerous job is
transporting all this all this cash around
and he got pulled over and he told the cops you
know i have a gun on me and they arrested him and even
though he nothing happened and they
cleared him of it
every time he goes to canada they fucking with it
every time takes
hours and now i’m like yeah go
ahead go go
ahead dude i love canada but i can’t go to that
you guys don’t don’t want to fucking work with people
you know i’m saying
when i went up there you guys invented delivery wheat
twenty years ago
nobody was doing delivery weed i give you
motherfucking canadians props
you guys with delivery
right there to blow a
street i stayed in the
hotel and i was doing whatever well i
completely understand canada stands
if you were a country that’s filled with predominantly
friendly nice
people law abiding
citizens for the most part
like their percentage of criminals and scumbags is way
lower than ours they exist
but it’s a way
lower number
and you live next to a country that’s just
fucking savages
savages and
criminals that are looking to escape law enforcement
by sneaking into the next door neighbor country
which is really nice
and filled with
sweet people
so you know they had to
react that way
but so many people must have been
sneaking over
from fucking detroit and new york and
criminals and
scumbags and murderers and douchebags
meanwhile canada is like one of the nicest
places in the fucking
world and it’s our neighbor
but they need flavor
they they need
blow street blow
street was the only place ever
i went down i went to a
strip club because i don’t even go to
strips these are my
things i went to a
strip club and the girl put her
monkey in my face and i where was
at a club on blow streets
what’s wrong
with toronto
she put her
monkey my face
and i’ve been a fucking
monkey and she put
away and i can
hear that is
going bing bing
bing that’s the
first time ever that the
monkey drove me
crazy i went back to the strip club
and got it i went
back to the comedy club before they closed got another
150 dollar drawer and went back
at ten dollars a lap
dance i sniffed her asshole
ever since then
why go to an american
place you go to canada’s ass with ten dollars they got
they are lacking they don’t
labor though as
far as you got
motherfucking
these flavor let me in sign the
paper this is what it is it’s like some flavor up
north america
north america
is like the the
three bears
like mama bear
baby bear and papa bear that’s what it’s like
and like mexico too much flavor
the united states
the right amount of flavor
canada not enough flavor
it’s like mexico’s got too much they’re too fucking
crazy i tell you what i’m
ready for though
well at this
point in my life i’m
ready for england
are you yeah i’m
ready i’m gonna go down it’s interesting
i want the fuck
motherfuckers from
snatch to pick me up at the airport
the two black dudes and the
other fucking i wish you
could go to england because i
would love to take you to someone no
please i would rock you
mother you guys know it you guys know
it dave bishop has retired from comedy is out
did i tell you what happened no we’re in england
oh my goodness
we were in england and dave i love him to death
he apparently hadn’t been doing that much comedy
and he went on
stage and it was a rowdy
crazy drunk crowd
and they were
fired up and he just
it was like i was in the
dressing room like for like six minutes
i was going over my notes
and all of a
sudden dave’s at the door
you ready joe
and i go ready i go what’s
going on how come he not on
stage he goes
i couldn’t get him
you couldn’t get him who’s on
stage now no one’s on stage
so he did six minutes and just bailed
got off stage
came back to the
green room to get me
and i was like oh no dude like what’s going on
so i went on
stage i’m like hey what’s
going on folks
and i didn’t know what to say that’s
crazy yeah it
was ridiculous that was the show
it was great they were awesome
they were awesome
you know what man
here’s the deal when you
reach a certain
point in your life and
he’s got a job
and he’s had
a job forever he works a full time job at a bank
you know and i’ve said this
and this is just a fact if you want to be a fucking
comic this ain’t
there’s no safety play
this ain’t no part time job
it ain’t easy
you’re gonna have to
immerse your
yourself in the
world of comedy you
gotta become a fucking comedy soldier
you can do it if you can do it at all
if you can do it you can go up there and get
laughs you can get better if you can get better you can
become a professional
if you could
become a professional
you could become a good professional you
could become a headline you
could become a tv act
you can be a
stand up comedian
but it’s not
gonna be fucking easy man and you’re not
gonna do it
while you have a regular job with
i need my dental
no you don’t need your dental
you gotta you
gotta fucking fuck
it book a move we got insurance cocksucker
look at this my
whole thing is missing
i got nice teeth i look like fucking humphrey bogart
that’s easy to say though
there’s no movies being booked in
fucking you
know manchester
city hey listen i always
should be making my windows
it’s nice to hang out at the
store late night
i’d steal all the fucking cell
phones from the office and sell it
to black dude downtown and
i’m so glad
i was your fear
i used to fucking
i used to give out tickets
i used to give out the stubs at the people they
would do and i
would get a dollar per
ticket i pick up an
extra 300 a week upstairs
mitzi showed me pulling her wig out of her head
you gotta know how to work the fucking deal
the old joey
would have robbed the shit out of
brian you robbed me
sucked my dick
sucked your
dick what you
would’ve sucked his
dick you could
suck my dick i
would have made you pass out oh yeah
i would have
gave you weed
your heart would have
blown up you
would have passed out
you would have woke up nothing
would have been there you
would have had another fucking anxiety attack through
ambulances on one
night you would have woke up with
a stomach full of tropical helmets you
would have minus the
tivo and 800
fucking ambulance charges
what’s the most you had to pay for
ambulances for picking up like that
probably the last one how much was
that how much the last one
well the whole
thing costs
four thousand dollars
jesus christ
son with insurance fucking a
oh my god with insurance i
gotta sacrifice myself
to everybody
yama stay keep it together that’s it you
if you ever have something like that happen paula
call me absolutely i’ll come rescue you
absolutely i’ll save you i’m
gonna hold your hand we’re
gonna get through
this bitches come over
get the fuck out of you you
understand me
all for one
united how the whatever is number
one time we did ask and went to see
apocalypse now me john
crown that’s christy
lorenzo when it
first came out the
first week and i was
about sixteen
it was amazing on the walk home
which is walking my own business and
it just rained
and also on this
other there’s a
i keep talking
to my friend i keep saying to him do you hear
those sirens
and my buddies like i hear him
we’ll play he’s playing
along with me
i don’t like you hear the sirens
like yeah and
also the one guy’s like i don’t hear nothing
i don’t hear nothing man i
swear to god i don’t fucking hear them
like you don’t hear him we
started covering our ears and shit
and then we went up to somebody you hear
those sirens
he’s like yeah
and we were even
freaked out now
because somebody else is hearing them
and this poor kid looked around
and had just rained there was a puddle on the
street i’ll
never forget he got on his hands and knees and
started throwing the puddle
this is crazy
this is probably like
shiny like gasoline
floating on the
surface and shit
he just got up
and ran the fuck home
and we seen him like two days
later he’s like man i can’t hear no sirens
the first time i saw apocalypse now i really
watched the whole
movie was in this house when i first bought this house
when i first bought this because it’s
got i got like a movie theater like a hundred inch
thing that drops down
and i ate a pot cookie
and i’m stoned as be
jesus everyone’s asleep at me and i’m sitting there
watching this apocalypse now on this giant 100 inch
screen and that’s when it hit me
what a brilliant
piece of film making that movie was
there’s certain movies man
where you watch the
movie and go that movie is just a work of
art you know it’s like they just took you on a journey
there’s so much about that
movie like the end when they’re killing the bull
like there’s so much
about that movie like you couldn’t even do that
today because they really killed a bull and filmed it
i mean they hacked that fucking bull to
death right
that was real shit that wasn’t special
these like disturbing and
shocking and
the whole marlon brando
is this fucking insane general
gone out of office rocker the
whole thing was amazing man that is a goddamn amazing
movie man the
sound everything
robert duvall
charlie don’t surf
that one scene when he goes into a camp and the
black dudes listening to hendrix
yeah and i can’t even imagine a big
screen by yourself
by myself by myself
out of fucking balls who’s the ceo
here whatever he’s around
sound speakers all around my head
everywhere he was one of
those real motherfucking
black dudes with the veins in
their eyes from the
real motherfucking
black dudes
in memphis detroit they got veins in
the eye remember they
asked him they said to him
who’s the captain here and he looked around this
motherfucker looked at him i don’t
fucking know
what motherfucker he don’t even have to
say that that was intense but
he just looked at it all gone off the deep end
how many people that’s a great movie that
movie really kind of captured what a lot of people felt
about war that
there’s a lot of
crazy shit going down it wasn’t as simple
as everyone marching
i gotta get
going rogue man lot of nutty shit
going on some fucking knowledge on
you people this is a true story one night
me and ralphie made driving around getting
stoned we go ralph we got to catch this weed store
it’s on formosa
and santa monica they got really good edibles
so we pull over ralphie
may can’t find the parking spot it’s 20 to fucking
eight seven
thirty five the place closest to eight
so we’re gonna go to a movie
and so i go
roughly just drop me off here and park the car
and i’ll get on in there
so i walk in and there’s a line
so the guy wouldn’t let me in they
check ids outside the
street at this place
this is right across
from the foremosa cafe
so while i’m waiting online there’s a girl in
front of me
and i’m waiting there online
and hoof and i’m
stoned and i’m
going in there to get more
and who fucking walks up to me who’s walking down the
street smoking a cigarette
but lawrence
motherfucking fishburg
god damn he goes what are you doing
and he goes don’t you the comedian on showtime i had a
get the fuck out of here and he
started talking to me and he
started talking to me and he goes that was san juan
fuck me up he
starts talking to me he’s talking
about that’s
awesome so who comes walking up from a distance is
ralphie may waddling up
and i can see that
as he’s walking up bro he’s looking at me
he’s like what the fuck
how you talk it’s lawrence
motherfucking face
why the fuck did you did ralphie
start talking
black to him
no ralphie just
started talking to him
and lawrence
fishburne told us
about that movie
ralphie’s voice will vary in blackness
dude four he was dude
dog he was 14
when they took him to the philippines to shoot that
movie yeah so next time you see that he was
17 when they finished right
next time you see lawrence
fishbur you
shake his hand you go listen i only met him once
at sky bar but very brief i
didn’t even meet him i shouldn’t say i met him
i was in his
presence you were the philippines when you were 14
most kids don’t make it back you
gotta feel bad for that guy man he’s got a 19 year old
daughter that’s doing ghetto porn she
shows up at the
store sometimes
really yeah
not that attractive
not that attractive in her ass is filled with
bucks any doubt
really it’s like
weird she’s got like all
these little
zits all over her ass
it’s weird you know like
like someone shot her with like rock salt
i hate that ship you
would go to a
strip club and
have a whitehead on her a
little tight
whitehead you want to pop that
motherfucker
i would pop that
like a ten let me pop that pimple on your ass you
walking around wounded
here i got a
white on your ass is killing
you she’s got hail damage on her ass no no no no
this is sadness man and having a nineteen year old
daughter and being some
superstar movie star
and you know
me from the fucking
matrix and so many goddamn
movies king in new york remember him a king in new york
how good was he in that fucking movie
that was a great
movie man walks in the
stores giving the kids
money at the shop and he’s
throwing them all in here honey
you go buy yourself this
he was not on
that dog but
his movie was
i turner that was oh yeah that was
him and her both
should a fucking one
what is he doing man
is he doing a tv show or something now what does he do
50 g a week
csi the right is he doing that csi
it almost seems like
those guys that get to a certain
age this one let me just take a show around let me just
i live at home
i live in new york wherever
city we’re doing this in
i have a house
enough all this
flying somewhere for
three months and
going somewhere else for four months
some of the guys do like
kevin james man he uproots
every six months or so goes live somewhere for a few
months and stuff
yeah when i
did that zookeeper
movie with him
he’s got this
suite in boston in a
hotel it’s like his
apartment he’s been there for
months i could see doing it too
like going from
movies to a tv show go like
let me do this for just for a few years yeah we just
relax for a few years
tv shows are the best gig in town man when i did news
radio if you’re into acting if you want to be an actor
that’s the best gig in town because
once you get it down to a science
like once newsradio got down
to a science we really only worked four days a week
wow you know and we filmed one of them and we
would take a
day off and once the writers got really in tune
you know they
would come out with killer
scripts like on the
first go like when you get in like
third and fourth season
everything becomes like a
smooth machine
you know how to do it
those are the best gigs man you don’t have to go
nowhere dave foley used to always say that he used to
always say this is the best gig in show business don’t
ever forget it this is the best gig in show business
that poor fuck he’s been twittering lately
he’s been tweeting lately
about his first wife
he’s not making money
these days not making much
money they fully
yeah and his wife
took him to
court for alimony
and the judge
ordered that he pay
three times his
monthly salary
what he makes a
month right now
he has to pay his wife
three times that
and the judge said that
his obligation to pay
is not related to his ability to pay
he has an obligation
to pay and it has no bearing on his ability to pay
and they won’t make an adjustment this is like in
ottawa in canada they got some
wacky laws up there
cause i remember when he got divorced it was nuts man
when he first got divorced when we were on newsradio
and he was making a
ton of money
and his wife
had access to his finances for a year
because what happens is in canada
the laws are totally different
where you know for one year you can’t get divorced
you have to be separated for one year before they
allow you to get divorced
which is crazy wow
i don’t know
if they’re trying to keep families together or what
but in dave’s case it was
worst case scenario
so here’s the wife with
money and she’s
traveling all over the
world with his
money buying furniture
going off and
she was going i remember he had to go to egypt
so he had to take all this malaria medication
and he lost his
marbles once he got hammered we were at one of those
press parties and shit
and he’s on malaria
medication which
apparently does not
mix well with
vodka and he was
just like out of his head man
he took some reporters
tape recorder and
stuck it in his
drink and he
doesn’t even remember
doing it he was just like hallucinating and shit
like malaria
medicine is no no fucking joke man
but the whole
thing is just it highlights another
thing about how
crazy marriage is man
how he hasn’t been with this
woman in a long time i
still owes her
yeah not just owes
her owes her
exorbitant amounts of
money he’s responsible
for maintaining her lifestyle even though
his lifestyles not the same anymore
he’s connected
to her even though he’s not in her life anymore that
story before
where it’s like i i
don’t make as much in common but i
still owe them
based on what i used to they don’t
give a fuck
they don’t give a fuck
it’s crazy man
it is not set up for you dude it’s not set up for you
it’s set up to make sure that the
woman doesn’t get fucked over
but in so doing
they’ve set it up so the man gets fucked over sometimes
you know for some time sometimes
it’s good because some dudes are douchebags and
they don’t want to pay for
their kids fuck them
they should be paying
money they hide
money child
support is different
totally different than alimony but
look i have another friend who got
married he was
married for over 15 years i believe it was
before he got divorced he had no prenup
he has to pay his ex wife
alimony for the rest of her
life forever
and it’s a lot of money
because he was wealthy he was very wealthy
so he is paying her
stupid amounts of
money so it just
drives him nuts
and he can’t live the
way he wants to live even though he makes good money he
doesn’t make as much
money as he used to
he makes a lot of
money but he
can’t live the way he wants to because he has this
giant nut he has to pay
he has to pay
every month
giant crazy
god just thousands and thousands and thousands and
thousands it just
the numbers are just flying
over this chick’s bank account as you’re writing that
check you’re getting dizzy
oh he gets busy
talking about fucking
dizzy you know i’m saying red
lips quiver man when he talks
about it his lips quiver
when he tells you
about it i see his
lips quiver
and he’s married now and he’s got kids and
shit oh please
don’t worry he
still has to pay
mad mad loot
you look at that fucking
knife once a month for
neural disease it’s crazy
the only way it’s not like you can get like listen how
about i just
give you two million dollars and we don’t talk ever
again no no no
no no i’m stretching it out like
juice no it’s a million a year or
three million a year
whatever the fuck
it is and it
keeps going forever it’s like visa
and miss a month and see what the fuck happened good
luck miss a
month what are you doing rt
we got there
fella i was
playing with an ant oh jesus
christ isn’t it
funny that you could
crush that ant and
throw it on the
floor and i
wouldn’t even
think you’re being rude
if you killed a rat
and threw it on the
floor i’d be like hey dude
clean that up
give it the size yeah
a little tiny baby ant
i’m like i don’t care
about that little ant body on my
it’s insignificant but it was bigger
it was like a big
giant beetle
you stomped on it then i have to
clean it up
it’s all relative bitches
it’s all relative
and with the
music provided by
joey beatbox
diaz we will
bring you to the
conclusion of this podcast
are you fear
show tonight
at the improv
used to be in the improv lab but
it got too strong when
things are moving up like the jeffersons
motherfucker you know i’m saying like the jefferson
so these stories will be taking
place if i could
sneak out of the
house i’m gonna go there as well
red band follow him on twitter
re d b a n ari shafir
follow him on twitter
mad flavor is joey diaz
will be at the show
today facebook twitter
facebook wreck
yourself before you
wreck yourself
big dick’s in
your ass is bad for your health
stay black and
beast podcast
we got it going on the fucking show tomorrow night
thank you to the
pod new years
thank you to the flashlight
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and you get
56 giovanni
get flushed
away cocksucker
duncan trussell and i are in montreal
at the comedy works oh shit mad sold out four
months in advance
sorry you can’t get tickets hell
no but you can see me joe diaz archfire
what are you doing now february 4th
super bowl weekend
merry christmas bitches
happy weekend ari
shafir is on the show as well
that’s how we book
shows with the death
squad stay black
the most important
thing you should ever get out of this podcast
ladies and gentlemen
is you see the
circle of friends we surround ourselves with a
bunch of cool positive people you can have this too
if you are one of
those and you
bring in people
like that you’d get together a tight knit
group of bad
motherfuckers and your life
could be a masterpiece
okay or just have good
people good people
good people have
all that shit positive energy
you attract the shit
this is like the
secret look at
what we’ve attracted to design this fucking show
i am thankful
if i’m thankful for anything i have bad
motherfuckers for friends my friends are
give me some
knuckles you bitches i love you guys
i love you people out there
all you bitches i love all you
bitches i love all two hundred
eleven thousand twitter friends
fifty three thousand facebook friends
i even love you fucking weirdos that are
still on myspace
myspace is making a comeback joe wilkin
making a comeback i don’t give a fuck what they say
tomorrow night
cliffy b what time is it
brian uh it’s
gonna be around
three o’clock ish
three o’clock
ish we’re gonna do the
cliffy b podcast tomorrow
night cliffy b from epic games tomorrow night
brain problems
gonna give us some
scoops about gears of war and unreal tournament
and all kinds of
crazy shit and perhaps we even play some
video games
brian’s got shit set up
it’s gonna be crazy
all right that’s it that’s
the end of the show i love you bitches see you guys