strange music always

i like it so far

oh this is that band from austin

i’ve been editing this song all week remixing it

and everything for the video that’s about to hit

dude what is this band call it what is their name again

spoon spoon i bought a bunch of their shit on itunes

and all these austin people were talking shit

about them yeah

well they just say that to them it’s like

like a what was that band that cheesy band

oh nickelback nickelback it was like nickelback to them

and i’m like i don’t care this this song is badass

ladies and gentlemen joining us on the podcast is the

great russell

peters hey from

points unknown my man’s a

traveling soldier out there

making it happen

in the free world

we are sponsored as always by the flashlight

if you go to joerogane net

you ever fuck one of these things man

no feel it no one’s fucked that

you don’t have to worry that’s

that’s the the tissue there you go

now you know pat if you ever wondered

now you know

oh yeah that they’re great

i don’t you know

it’s it’s it’s very embarrassing

when you’re done but when you’re doing it it’s awesome

the fact that you’ve done this

yeah it’s just

you’re fucking you’ve hit the bottom look at you got

the rubber pussy

but but it feels great

and if you go to joe rogan dot net

and you type in the password is rogan

if you click the link and type in

the password rogan you get fifteen percent off so it’s

cheaper to beat off there you go

save some taxes kids yeah save the

taxes bitches

this is the two year anniversary for twitter for me

brian today two year

anniversary

for twitter

two years ago

i got on twitter i don’t know how long i’ve been on

i’m not even good on

i can’t even imagine being free of it

when i’m at a restaurant bro

i have to like

keep my shit together

don’t check the iphone

don’t check

the iphone yeah

right i’m sure

it’s fascinating

and i just want to know what’s happening

yeah you never know it

could be some fucking revolt in iran

some shit could be

going down right now

wikileaks as you speak

are you up on the wikileaks man do you

know i don’t

really know

what’s happening with the wikileaks is it one of

those things that you

would normally pay attention

to and you’re just

avoiding it or are you just

not out no i really just don’t know what’s happening

really you don’t know anything

about the story

i know this

leak some like

stuff but i don’t

know what he’s leaked have you ever been to wikipedia

i have been to wikipedia so at

least you’re half there that’s it

it sucks don’t

trust wikipedia because you can all

you can yeah augment

anybody’s information

sure right wouldn’t it be hilarious if

someone was just sending them some bullshit documents

and you know he thought that this was all

us military shit and it was actually just some fiction

and some of it

made up to see how much you can

manipulate the

press that’d be a good spin for him

it’s possible

you know look the

media was smart

the media was

smart yeah well the

media that can been calling him a

rapist over and over and over

again rape rape rape

on cnn there’s the

thing he didn’t

they’re not even the

women are not even calling it rape

but sweden has some of the most liberal

sexual offense laws like they have really crazy laws

and in sweden if you’re

like having sex with someone in the condom

breaks and you don’t tell the person

then it can be considered rape

oh really yeah there’s a lot of

weird shit man

if you’re you know

there’s rape by coercion

and there’s like instead of pimp game

which is what you

would call it in america

have some flavor

know how to

kick it so the girl gets confused and fucks you

which you ordinarily wouldn’t

in sweden that shit’s like a crime

like they’re making being clever to get

pussy a crime

and that is hilarious they want weak

sauce have you ever seen

watered down milk

ever seen the

pictures and the ikea

things in you by

yes they’re always very dumb looking yes

so is the guy lifting wood yeah

the last thing you want is a

culture like that

a non fucking flavorful culture

you know why

do you think nothing clever comes out of there ava

people shouldn’t be

ashamed of sex if you shouldn’t be ashamed

of sex then

you know you shouldn’t have so many fucking

crazy laws with people do dumb shit and fuck

a lot of times

when people fuck they feel bad afterwards

you know if i shouldn’t have done that i have better

morals in this

what’s wrong with me what if my family knew

well tough shit

you shouldn’t be able to cry rape

you know and a lot of people can you can just cry rape

you know there’s a lot of

feminists that

absolutely believe

that if a woman feels like

after the sex is over

that somehow or another

she was talked into this or manipulated that she

should be able to

file charges for rape

it’s like buyer’s remorse

it’s crazier than buyer’s remorse

it’s the most

ridiculous shit ever

real rape is terrible

but this is just as bad as real rape the other way

you know yeah

cause they’re raping

the man now yeah you’re raping someone of freedom for

doing something that’s natural that you want it to you

fucking skank

you dirty bitch you know you wanted that dick

they all want

it they want it it’s natural if your fucking

heart beats and you’re

young and your body moves

right you want some dick

all right i

would get in so much

trouble if i was involved in that country at

home of course you

would we all

would anybody who lives in america

anybody lives in a land of

where there’s a fucking game

going on okay

all right that’s

the reason why comedians become comedians in the first

place let’s be honest

there is a vaginal call

goddamn game

going on and there’s a

there’s a game

going on you know as far as like a

human interaction

you can’t flavor down

water down the game for sex

you know the personality game is the reason

where all art comes from

why do you think biggie

smalls was such a fucking good rapper

because he wanted

to be the man so he can get some pussy

okay he wanted to be a pimp he wanted to be a player

he wanted to be a dude at the top of a pile of money

why cause that’s how you’re

gonna get the

pussy when you’re an

ugly fuck it’s the best in your face

the best shit you got bitch

and if the best

shit you got gets you locked up for coercion

cause you were banging two

chicks at the same time you’re

gonna have a flavorless fucking country

you crazy cunts in sweden

just cause you make

good cheese don’t get crazy

that’s not the same country

right in sweden

they hold beer

very well in sweden

they hold beer they can take it and they make

cheap furniture

oh those poly

saint poly girl yeah

they’re gonna make it

cheap furniture and

strong cut by the way that

there’s not a diss

against switzerland

i was just joking

whatever if you’re from switzerland you get all uppity

he didn’t know that we don’t make the cheese

bro come on

these are jokes man we make cheese and chocolate

and i not joke

these are just jokes man

but sweden’s gotta

lighten the fuck up

but it’s weird that

they can fucking interpol warning and they’re trying to

export this guy back to sweden

from fucking london

for having sex without a condom that’s ridiculous

it’s amazing though it’s so

transparent

he had sex without a condom and that’s what

condom broke or some

crazy shit it’s like they’re not revealing

all the details but no one is saying that it’s like

he took them

you know into an

alley and pulled

their pants down and

punched him in the head and fucked up well i heard

i heard not even date rape didn’t even

claim he did i

heard the whole

thing’s bullshit anyway

the whole thing was just a

stupid thing that get him for something to to

so because of this

which he is

of course it is but it’s amazing that it’s this fucking

transparent because here’s the deal okay

one step removed

the new york times

has released all

of the shit that he’s released

so what are we

going to say now

are we going to say that well this

stuff came out and you guys knew it was top

secret so you shouldn’t look at it

and since the

journalists did look at it and then they published it

shouldn’t shouldn’t

the new york times now have to go to jail too

what who the fuck goes to jail

if this guy was just someone

who ran a site that says hey

have you got something

i’m listening

which is basically what he did

and people start sending them shit

that’s real

journalist journalism

that’s real

journalism edited

that’s the real shit that’s what we’re supposed to get

these fucking cunts

that are hiding all the shit

and talking to the government

you’re not supposed to talk to the government

you’re supposed to talk to us

what the fuck did you

learn did you

learn some crazy shit

what the fuck did you learn

what are they doing over there

why are we really there

what the fuck is what’s

going on why are all

these bees dying

here’s one of the

things that came out

the epa knew

about this fucking

toxic shit that they’ve been

spraying on corn

that kills honey bees

and they let them put it out anyway

they let them put it out anyway

because they

wanted to be able to sell more fucking corn

so they’re killing off bees

and the epa was

aware of this

we would have

never found this out if it wasn’t for wikileaks wow

dude pfizer

is bribing people in nigeria

to stop lawsuits

there’s like

these lawsuits

against them

so they’re bribing people

to go after

like politicians and make them look bad

there’s like

these memos and shit

there’s a lot of creepy shit

this is exposing so you’ve been reading a lot of the

stuff obviously

is there the fuck out when i

first heard that this guy was getting

arrested for sex without a condom i was like what is in

these fucking things

and you go in these

things and it’s like

it’s not all bad it’s not all terrible

it’s a lot of it’s a fascinating shit

like we’re finding out that

other countries like want us to do some shit about iran

like there’s a lot of people go hey these

motherfuckers

if they get bombs we got problems

like these people in

their next door neighbors and shit who are

muslim countries like um

can you guys

can you hook

this up yeah

what’s up what’s

going on here

how close are they what’s

going on you know

i mean there’s

a lot of good shit that we’re finding out

about this stuff

but the point is that

the government

the only reason

they don’t want you to know the

secrets and what they’re doing

is because they fuck up a lot

and they don’t

wanna be responsible for

their actions

and they wanna be able to hide shit and they

wanna be able to look up your fucking asshole with a

microscope because it’s easy

because if i just

wanna be able to do it i just

wanna know what the fuck’s up your asshole

and so they

wanna make it that way

so that their job is

simpler and they can’t get

fired as easy

cause they suck cock

they’re terrible at

their fucking job

cause almost

every politician is terrible

why because the reason why they got there in the

first place

because they got all

these fucking special interest

groups paying for their

multi multi

multi million dollar campaigns

they’re talking

about barack

obama’s re election campaign

one billion dollars

yeah that makes no sense

where’s that

money coming from you

motherfucker

that’s crazy

there’s no way

you should be able to

spend a billion dollars

to get a job that pays

five hundred thousand

and not have everybody go

what are you doing

what the fuck are you doing

who’s giving you this

money what happens when they give it to you

now what do you have to do for them

you what do you

do you hire them what you

gonna do we

gotta do you

gotta change laws

you gotta make it easier to dump shit into lakes

what the fuck is going on

they all suck

and that’s why they’re scared of all this information

they’re scared of all this information

it’s not to protect you that’s nonsense

protect our

citizens overseas

you don’t give a fuck

about them when you’re sending them to

un legal war zones or illegal war zones

where we shouldn’t even be there was

based on a fucking lie

you don’t care

about them then

if you don’t care

about american soldiers then

you tell me you care

about them now cause

secrets are getting out really fuck you

that’s not true i

think they’re

worried about the moon

secret getting out the moon secret

yeah was there anything like that in

these wikileaks

about them not actually

going to the moon

not yet not yet but who knows

who knows what

this guy’s got this guy’s got some fascinating shit

seems like most of it

that’s gotten out at

least to the more republic is the gossip

stuff like how

these kings have

their sluts and

stuff like that i

haven’t heard too much really

i haven’t heard that oh yeah it’s like that’s

what saturday

night live made fun of in the tmzs

focusing on is real all like these

secret lover

relationships at all

these princes and

why didn’t the

fucking bars

of this shit

yeah those people

are of it ballers

do you think

they give a fuck

do you know like the guy from abu dhabi

prince talk noon the guy who runs

he runs the abu dhabi

submission combat

championships the

world grappling

championships

and he also

like owns a

piece of the ufc

this guy is like

some super insane amount

money millionaire type character

right this guy he’s got this this

thing that they do the

ufc it’s at

it’s called ferrari

world it’s like a ferrari

fucking like

disneyland with ferrari like a ferrari theme park

with like this

crazy ass roller coaster

that motherfucker

could do anything he wants

you know like

those guys like that when you get to that

level of money man

people would be surprised

that you would find some guy who’s a prince in

saudi arabia and he’s got some hookers

he’s got some

chicks living in his mansion

he wouldn’t even know that

still there

those guys are ballers dude

did you ever hear

about that guy the salt live

brunei i’ve

heard about him flying chicks in

motherfucker

this motherfucker just goes to the

limit this what he does

he sits around

right and he

watches like

playboy magazine and

reach playboy

magazine watches tv shows

and goes i like her

i like this one right here

and then he finds out what

their agent is

and he gives them

insane amounts of money

to come to wherever he is

you know for like

brunei for just hanging out for a couple months

see what’s up i’ll give you a few million bucks

and so these

chicks cannot help it

they have to go

and there was one of them who was a

penthouse pad or something like that and she

got yeah and

she got caught with a laptop she was writing

while she was over there

and that’s how the

whole thing

came out you

know that all

these chicks who had been saying they were

going over there to do

modeling there’s

so many girls that were

modeling in brunei

and they were really just

going and getting gorilla

fucked by this prince and all his boys

all the sultan

and all his pals

they had like

their own club

they had so much

money they have

their own club

they have this gigantic

insane ballroom that’s like

the the ornate

decorations are like in incredible like

gold guild work

which is the top of the line everything

and the hottest bitches

in magazines

and tv shows

and they’re all hanging out there dancing

waiting to him to come out

in his gold underwear

and just get his

freak on with whoever the fuck he wants

you can’t you can’t hate that that’s

such a you cannot hate that you cannot hate that this

guy’s not doing anything that he shouldn’t be doing

what he’s offering them as some

he’s saying listen

you know we don’t have to call products

prostitution

i’m gonna hire you to just come hang out

just come hang out i’ll hire you to

party eventually you’re

gonna get horny

you cannot let me fuck you you know i got money son

you know super

mario brothers was all

about an italian

i just wanted to eat mushrooms with a princess

with a princess

really yeah

super super

mario brothers

no honestly i don’t

think i’ve ever played it more than once or

twice yeah i

never really got into it it’s

about this italian

plumber that just wanted to eat mushrooms and

with the princess but some douchebag

kept on taking the princess

away damn it

that’s how you pimp

these motherfuckers

eat mushrooms and hang out with a princess yeah

hey i heard you are

that’d be bad i

heard you are a dj

like you know how to dj like mix

mix looking on

tables motherfucker

could do anything he wants is russell

peters bitch

that like a main

hobby of yours

i started doing that in 85

really yeah now i

i’ve always

experimented play around you and have the ipad

app where you can try to mix and

stuff using to

make scratchmeister

yeah something like that

doesn’t work that good but

is there like a

is it easier nowadays to try to like

match beats and

stuff like that way easier now

because it’s written in a file

right in front

of you you just hit a button now and it just matches no

no you’ll have your bpms listed

right all you

gotta do is keep your your

your pitch at the same

level and you’re good to go so do you ever

throw parties

where you’re

just the dj and you’re having this huge i always

end up getting i have turntables in

every house so yeah i always make sure i

do you really like so you

throw parties at your

house and you not even i just do it for me

and then if people are there i’m like

what do you want to hear and then i just

start playing shit when

tommy lee was doing that what was that

that rockstar show that he was doing what

was it called

the rockstar

supernova or something yes

he wanted to have a

fight with kid rock

so this is like they were there really

upset at each other

and so he wanted to meet me

so yeah because my friend is one of his bodyguards

okay and my friend is this fucking gorilla

just mountain of a man you’ve met

john rollo right

so john roll

takes me backstage i meet him and this is what

tommy lee does at the end of

every show he’s got a dj setup

like he makes his own

party he just

he like he just

brings his friends over

and he fucking plugs in some turntables and just

starts just

starts mixing it up

like people who dj like even michael bisping the

fighter he still djs

am i the best being dj’s yeah

yeah i didn’t know that people

apparently people who dj just fucking love dj it must

be fun it was

my love comedy’s my career

really yeah whoa

you love djing

more than comedy

i could sit there and do it all

day isn’t that amazing see i’ve always wanted to get

addicted to it because it seems like something that’s

right down my

lane man explain it tell me what it is because

that’s shocking coming from

you know such

a successful comedian and someone who i

love stand up but djing is on another level

that makes me

want to try it

exactly it’s kind of like

mma for you

your job is comedy

but you love mma

you know what i love both

honestly i love both

i don’t have a preference like

i’m never like when i’m doing the

ufc i’m always

excited to be there i’m

never like fuck i wish i was doing comedy

you know but

when i’m doing comedy i’m

never thinking i wish i was at the

ufc well that’s the same with me

okay so you just have an

equal love for the yeah it is but you said one of those

things you can do it anytime

anywhere you don’t need people around you to do it

you don’t need

people to be totally

focused on you either you

just like there’s so

many requirements you know attention requirements for

stand up you need people to be

focused on you

the entire time and not interacting not talking to you

whereas if you’re dj and man everybody

could be just doing

their thing

yeah people just

watching but you need

nobody to talk to you then yeah

you don’t want people talking

to you right

because you get in the zone and

you’re like

can you play dancing

queen and you’re like can you fuck off you know what

would be badass

what would be badass

here’s what

would be fucking crusader here

i’m gonna describe to you guys the

greatest show of all time

russell peters

djing while joey

diaz talks on a

microphone let’s try

let’s try this little

his gizmo out

what is this thing

it’s dj mixer for the iphone

dj mixer do you do all this stuff man i can

if you go to youtube and type in my name

there’s like videos of me scratching with like

with dj q bert and stuff wow that’s awesome dude

i have a video of me and jazzy jeff djing together too

damn that’s sweet jazzy jeff

that guy is the art garfunkel

of rap music yeah this doesn’t work sucks

right a little bit jazzy jeff was

paired up with will smith

man i couldn’t hate that more yeah

that’s terrible

don’t do that

again brian throw that thing in the garbage

you might have to hit your ipad with a hammer now

i saw like an old man

these kids with their scratching that’s me

how bad is jazzy jeff

he’s pretty wish that he’s somehow another

hit that will smith height

he’s so far off

not i mean in the dj world he’s hiding i

don’t mean i don’t mean in any bad way i mean

how weird must it have been you

know art garfunkel and paul simon

most fuck is our garfunk most djs are

introverts so they

when you have two people like that and

one person they’re both involved in a team you don’t

think there’s some

weird thing when

one guy becomes will

fucking smith

well remember george michael had that

other guy in wham

yeah but that guy’s just getting

steady cock that’s all he wanted

originally if you look

at that guy

all that guy wanted was cock all day

that’s what he wanted

and so george got him

close enough

to that it’s like i’m good i’m good i got a

stockpile he’s not

even thinking

about money

i think one of the coolest things

about djing one of my good friends is his name is

keith he’s the

main editor for

south park and

every time they have a

party he always djs

their parties and

stuff but he is just like

the point where that’s

all that’s his favorite

thing that’s all he wants to do is dj and

stuff but what’s really cool is that

him mixing like i saw him mix like golden girls the

other day or something

ridiculous i like doing

crazy shit so

do you yeah do you do a lot of

crazy mashups and i

will see you now they’re called mashups

back in the day we just call them mixing right like

i took this

record and this record and came up with this mix do you

have one mash or mix that that’s your favorite go to

from back in the day i used to do a

give it all you got

by afro rican

and i would mix moments in love with it because

afro rican was like a really fast

song and the moments in love was a slow song and i

would actually have to

pitch down moments in love to get it on beat wow

that’s awesome wow

have you i’m at the

fights and i hear the dj they’re not

all they do is sit there going

fucking murder this guy on the turntables

sometimes they have djs that

when when you go to like the

fights and stuff like that will have like 15

seconds of a

great song and just

start getting into it

then it immediately

transitions

to another song like what are you even doing

when he’s trying to get an add

motherfucker he’s trying to get as much

music in in his one

minute that he’s got to play

that’s weird

though right

well because he’s like shit

otherwise i

could get anybody to just hit play

right yeah i

wanna show you what i can do in this

short amount of time be

annoying be

annoying to a drum beat

throw everything

together it’s more just

showing the

skills of the dj

instead of actually

playing a song

and every time i listen to my god my god his cuts are

lame is um dj jazzy jeff

is he’s like

he’s like the pimp dj who’s like the best dj

that’s a tough call

i think who’s that dj

kiesto guy he’s horrible i

would never put dj in

front of his name really

i want him to get

cancer but he’s

gigantic fucking

success though

right fucking terrible

man i think it’s cock cancer

this dude that i know that’s like some serious baller

character he’s like one of the friends of the fortidas

he’s like one of those

yacht characters you know just fucking yachting

around the world and shit

and he was talking

about going to see dj

ts do at new year’s that it was the

thing to do and i was like well

yes fucking that

those are people

the people that go to see him know nothing about

music or djing

is that what it is they just like this is what the hype

thing is i should probably see it but we

should state

in advance that you don’t do ecstasy

no see true

these fucking people that do

ecstasy maybe what

tiesto’s doing is hitting this

frequency that only

people who do

ecstasy can feel

who were you guys just talking

about by the way i

guess though

which the person that he has to

okay that’s who you yeah

wouldn’t even put

his name which is gigantic dj

is he makes like

super huge famous

they were telling me the guy was telling me that he

was doing a show

in front of like

50 000 people for new

years it was this insane new year show okay but let me

tell you what he does this is the

worst part about it

okay he doesn’t do shit live

it’s all pre recorded so it’s basically

you put on your

it’s like you recorded a dvd stand up

a video of you doing stand up

and you put it on you stand in

front of it and go and lip sync the fucking act oh wow

that’s my and you’re not even lip you’re not even

trying to pretend

that you’re good at it you’re just like this

when i get really

old and i just want to be so high all day that i can’t

think that’s what i’m doing a prerecord all my

standard advance

ashley simpson was a

robot and then

just go go that

might be one

a funny show and then people try to happily you

throw you off

the fucking

you just play

around you just keep

motoring through they don’t even know

you have to stop hey stop stop stop the

stop the recording

fuck dude have you played that dj game for the xbox

or the hero yeah what do you

think about that i’ve

never played it

i just don’t get it right

i guess it’s like

a guy who really plays a guitar does he really wanna

fucking play guitar

hero do you play

video games at all no

so you don’t

feel that that’s like real dj and even though it’s like

what he’s doing is just

crafting a party

right he’s putting together

in advance he

doesn’t even have to

think anymore though

it’s just like so once he gets to the live audience he

doesn’t have to

think there’s a lot of

thinking that must go on to create it

right no no

no cause you really just

it’s fucking like a hundred and

fifty bpms this

i don’t i have

never listened to it

i i pull some of that shit up

pull some of the rash

let’s i need

to hear it i need to know what the fuck i’m talking

about all of

those just got big

on them pjs

people tell me

shit about something like that and i’ve

never heard

about it before

i always feel like how did this happen what

man yep dj tiesto

t i e s t o

there he is i

guess oh but

it was a big sign i

think it was in

vegas oh about his

one of his appearances

yeah he’s there new years right

i don’t know

you know who else is like that is

david guetta guy

i’ve never heard

of him he’s the guy that produced all that shit for

black eyed peas that i got a feeling shit oh really

yeah but now he like they

they hire him to dj parties

and there’s a

video of him on youtube

where his his

shit just canceled on him like he’s playing

in the first of all

these guys are playing cds

which is even more horrible to me

you’re the final guy yeah you can’t

old school russell

peters is old

school yes and i like it

i like that idea records and shit fuck yeah so you

gotta bring

crates and shit no no no

i still use

serato which is the

software okay but i use the

turntables with it because you can control it better

oh okay still more like real

dj so you have turntables but you don’t have records

no i have the two records and that’s it

two records i have

all my records in canada

okay but i’m not

bringing them all back to la

so when you dj you dj their

mp3s or some

you’re cutting up

mp3 files wow

so you can there’s software

there’s a machine

that lets you

manipulate an

mp3 the same way you

would manipulate a record

right sort of like a virtual

thing and it takes amber

through and converts it to the test on to read it

so when you have your hands on the

wheels and the

mp3 is playing you have the same manipulation that you

would as if it was

final if you

touch it it’ll stop if you

move your hand slowly it’ll make the same slow record

noise wow now

there’s one at best buy that i always look at it’s like

500 would you recommend something like that

or there’s a

system called itch itch

which is good

serato makes that too

okay is this dj

testo that you’re playing yeah

play it let’s hear it

it reminds me of like beyond the mind’s eyes soundtrack

now just think

about yourself

blasted on two hits of

ecstasy right now

this doesn’t sound like fiesta

yeah this doesn’t sound right brian this

sounds like some gay swedish fucking pop music

right here’s desta versus diablo

yesto versus no no not a versus because now they’re

versus but it’s not really

does it mean

here all those people cheering

it just walks out it’s like you know what else

snuck up on me man juggalos

juggalos snuck

up on me exactly

you don’t know

what juggalos are you don’t know what juggalos

are exactly

juggalos are the fans of the insane

clown posse

i remember they are fucking huge

and it’s amazing man

cause it’s like

they call out family that’s like a

thing that they yell out in the crowd

it’s like a theme with them

it’s like they like

everywhere out there there’s somebody like you

and they might not be near you

but you can find

these motherfuckers

and if you could figure out how to put them together

and put them all together in one group

you know all of a

sudden you got something

and that’s what happened with the insane

clown posse

these these fucking people are lost

from all over the

world man and they

found the insane

clown posse

and juggalos

no fucking way they’re huge dude remember when they

tried beefing with eminem back in the day

well that didn’t work out well that

didn’t work

but right now they’re gigantic man and eminem can’t

leave his fucking

house right

you know there’s something

going on with

those guys okay look look what he’s doing he’s not

doing anything

this is hilarious he’s fucking dancing guys got in

front of in

front of a mixing

board yeah you guys got by the way

check out this

video it’s called tiesto vs

diplo come on

he’s just sitting there dancing to playing play like

pressing wow

look at all

those look he’s not doing a fucking

thing that’s not djing no put

your hands down and look at the fucking turntable

asshole yeah it’s like he’s just

come on yeah

he’s not doing anything

the fucking record did you didn’t

do shit yeah he’s just so he’s not doing anything no

no they do this all

night he’s dancing for you well

i like that

you want to see some fucking

queer dance like that all

night yeah well he prepared this shit man

he didn’t prepare

those people there man look at all

those people something’s

going on that they like

right okay what do we attribute it to

drug tribute

uses that on all time

it’s not just

that man if you were there and you just wanted to

dance that’s pretty fucking fun

yeah but that but

it’s just him

pressing play

whoever had a louder

nothing nothing is happening

he’s just but

look at all

those people

enjoying the fuck

out of it see something is happening there’s an awesome

noise in the but are is it a trick

brian if they actually

enjoy it is

partying it is a

trick you’re there and you’re on ecstasy

i wanna listen

they know what the cars drive by okay you

wanna be listening to shit like this you don’t wanna be

alone by yourself in that spot

where there’s nothing

going on you hear a dog barking

or do you want this guy to hook up this wild

crazy fucking light in

music show that is dope as fuck

and there’s a million other people there it’s all

sweaty together

and you all got bottled waters

and everybody

has a goddamn good time you can’t call that nothing

right it could call him

that he’s not a good dj he

might press play

my argument for him is that he’s not a dj no he’s not

he’s like a

radio station what is dj

but what is it

cause he’s making this

crazy ass music

that everybody

looks sort of fucking

diabolical genius whose master

is he’s the carlos

of soulless people that have

no fucking spine your

problem is not with his

music it’s more with how he does it

no it’s the fact that people call him a dj and they’re

like the best dj

and i’m like

he’s not a dj so it’s like calling an actor a

stand up or a comic a

comic that just

steals other people’s jokes a

comic you know

right okay well

you are an actor that plays a comic in a

movie yeah and he’s such a good comedian yeah

well you hear that all the time

about actors

you know that he’s a comedian you’re like i

guess i guess he’s a comedian sort of

you know the guy who

studied a role to be a comedian

yeah man we

all know who the comedians are i mean everybody

isn’t that one

question that you’ll always ask when you hear

about a guy’s

funny like did he do stand up

yeah that’s

exactly what i asked

right like seth rogen

one of the first

things someone said to me

when i said god that fucking dude is

funny i love his

movies this guy goes you know he used to be stand up

like immediately like

comics want to tell you that like he’s like

he’s like for real he’s a real comedian he’s not

so that’s what bugs you

yeah that he’s a fake dj

yeah motherfucker it’s

making that music then

he here’s the

thing when you get that much

success and that much money

all you got to do is

everybody’s

gonna be handing you

their fucking demo

right and you go here’s ten

bucks oh my god he has

to about my song

thank you thank you thank you

now i’ll just compile it onto a disc

and really yeah

so he just takes

other people shit and puts it on

this why not what’s stopping him he’s actually i don’t

know i mean is that really what he does or he just i

don’t know i’m

guessing this is

clearly notice

he’s the joe rogan

experiences not support

these unfound

clean fight me if that’s the case

holy shit a dj battle

just called out

for in dj fight

or a fight fight both

yeah you don’t

while you’re djing you have to

fight i am so passionate

about it wow

where’s this

tiesto fellow from

i don’t know looks like

the gate suite

somewhere in fucking europe

the case what’s

what were we talking about

earlier that

might be the name of a town gay

switch look

how is a dj

you’re walking

walking around

pointing a finger dj you’re fucking

focused and your

dj yeah that’s that’s walking around and clapping oh

when did this become

i’m entertaining it’s not even

entertaining ah

i like the way he moves i wish you

never would have

showed me this this is the most

awful thing

i’ve ever been

punch him in the face

you guys are haters

i like the way that

young man gyrates his hips yeah

he’s not even

giving it that much

he’s not he’s doing it like some

stiff european move it’s like john

tesch of dj it’s like a saturday night

live sketch he’s exactly the kind of guy that would

that wears at a hardy and fucking

lost her religion

saturday night live

should do a

sketch about a dj like that just fucking

stands on stage

wow it might be a fun

sketch that sketch

would be just as

impressive as

watching him do it

that might be a

funny sketch man

what why is he there why don’t you just

press play and get out of there

fucking terrible

you know it hurts

my feelings it hurts my feelings you fuck

when i know like some of the best djs in the world

like that are my good friends

and to me and not even just to me they really are

the most talented guys

you’ll ever see on turntable do you when you get on

stage okay and you

start your show do you have a

planned out dj set

or do you just let the shit flow

no like a real

comic you get on and you do what works for that room

right just move

a real dj you

can do that

right yeah and

these other little fuckin

it is kind of like it’s a performance

thing it’s kind of like you know it’s a

tuning in thing you

right focus

on what they’re

into and then go with them with from there

yeah i mean obviously

those people are there because they want to hear the

horse shit that he’s playing

right right right but

you know he’s not really fucking doing anything but

that they couldn’t do themselves

right they could have

stayed with

your iphone you

could probably make

those same songs

on your iphone yeah i used to work in factories

and both arguments though

i used to work in factories

and and when the

machines were

going it would

sound exactly the same

worked in a printing press

the fucking same noise do do do do

yeah every time

it’s cutting the paper

yeah that could

it’s not good if you’re trying to read something

maybe we’re too old for this shit maybe

yeah dude i say that every day now

every day i’m like my father or something i’m some

some i really am becoming that i i

everything i thought i

would never be really what happens and

you know when you have kids

that’s that’s exactly how it goes down it’s like oh

i get why everybody is just grumpy and wants to be left

alone you know

that’s what it is

you naturally

you’re just getting old you’re

tired of this nonsense like if

you want to hear like really talented djs go to djs

spinbad com dj spinbad

phenomenal okay

starting from scratch dj

sfs podcast on

sfspodcast com

i appreciate that when i’m when i’m at

like a you know

club in vegas

or something like that and one guy just hits the the

right songs over and over and over

again just gets a good mood going

yeah i know when to

expect it like i know if i go to

vegas and i go to a club

i’m gonna hear the shit that you hear on the

radio that i

don’t like but everybody’s having a good time

so i don’t mind that

right okay i know i’m not there

for me i’m there because you know everybody else is

how does a dj get to a

point where he can sell concerts that’s

how does that go down

i have no clue how

that works well that girl talk guy is pretty popular

he just mashes up

other people he’s the

worst too because

he has this program that he uses

where he doesn’t even have to do shit dude that

every now and then though

some songs like

when they’re mashed up it’s like oh it’s different

but every now and then

there’s one songs

like wow this is better than the original and that

one he had the on and on with biggie

yeah dude he’s got play that

start start the beginning

did you ever get

blue eyes meets bed stay

no that was

frank sinatra

mixed with biggie

how was it incredible

what’s it called what’s

going to bedtime

bedtime on it on

dude i heard

frank’s not

sure with a cunt i don’t like him anymore

you should take that

picture read all the shit i know it should

that’s johnny

cash bro another one in here oh and now in the hallway

although the one when he’s in

mugshot yeah

mugshot i just read all the stuff

about what an asshole used to be

i was like wow

it’s kinda i kind of used to

think it was kind of cool to like

frank sinatra because he was like one of

those cool old guy things

you know he was in the rat pack

then you read

about like his behavior like i used to

treat people doing

this guy seems like a shithead

right he was a

we was kind of a thug

right yeah i don’t

know was he mafia

to people who

were shitheads was he mobbed up i mean i know he

was in with the mob of was he mob

this one no on and on

girl talk on and on

girl talk any man that calls himself girl talk

he likes likes girls so do i talk about girls

but you know this is it turn this up

come on

come on son

i think you

like it because sunshine in my life is in the

background i do

perfect mashup man

you know what it is it’s sunshine in my life

and let the beat hit him by lisa lisa oh it is

the beat is wow

wow i go to

never pick that up that’s to me is alien that’s

you you figured that out wow that’s crazy where is that

i can’t see it man i’m

using to let the beat hit him by lisa lisa

lisa that’s crazy you can see

you heard that song before

or you just picked it up i can hear it right away wow

see that’s a real dj nerds dude

wow that’s really

impressive dude to me this is like a language i don’t

understand hey watch here you go

see now i don’t like the song it

shifts somewhere in the middle i don’t like it anymore

now this is the house version this is the wrong version

god damn it

the house version try that one

in order to play there it is

watch you must tune your base to our lookout

i have no idea what you talked about

oh you’re going off this the thump will be broke

oh shit i don’t even hear there’s a

break in it coming up watch

i’ll show you exactly where he took it from right here

oh

this sequence is repeated

wow dude you should work for the government

you should work for the fucking cia man

here it is

holy shit face

all right let’s go back to the

other song go to the other song

whoa that’s freaky i can hear it now

dude you just impressed the fuck out of me

that was awesome

that was some amazing shit dude

how did you do that so cool i’m a

music nerd with this shit dude that was the

coolest fucking thing

wow that was like

you just deciphered some fucking mayan

hieroglyphs joe and that’s why i

think we need to both buy dj

tables and start practicing going to

use record stores and trying to find cool

i got kids i don’t have any fucking time

anytime you come to la you come to my house yeah

throw down it just looks so fun i can’t get

into anything else

there’s not

enough time in the day for all the shit that i

enjoy doing right now

that gets you hurts you and gets you

know diseases

no how often

you train all the time

yeah i’m sick

right now i

got sick when i was in montreal i’ve been able to

train all week instead of watching

eight documentaries a day you take two out and take

those four hours and put it towards you don’t

understand me

you don’t understand me i’m not a

normal person i’m an obsessive i have issues i okay i’m

managing my issues

and my issues

is i can’t get into anything

was that where are you training

it i don’t want to help you

i mean curse

i want to hug my because the curve

take those fat bitches down

choke the shit out of them

i’ve been sick

all week man what’s that

shit got through my phone

your phone’s ringing

brian really this is like podcast number

seven hundred and

fifty and look

what kind of game i got mastermind hitting me

one of my one of my

good friends

who was a phenomenal dj back and then he retired and

and he hit me with a text saying

you’re a traditional

dj hard to explain the passion in that nowadays

no it’s not hard you explained it very well

i don’t think it was hard at all

i get i totally get

what you’re saying what that guy does is a different

thing than when you do

but what i’m saying is

that he’s providing something that all

these people

enjoy the fuck out yeah that i’m not mad at

i’m just mad about

that dj it’s not even

the people that are like he’s the best dj i’m like

not a fucking dj

how dare someone call my mom is calling you now

how dare you why is my mom calling you

my voicemail is not set up unfortunately

it’s fucking sussman

sandra sandra

i have to answer unfortunately

ladies and gentlemen

so

um have you ever djed underwater

you should do that it was that time i

electrocuted myself

that’s funny

my dad just got me one of

these things

for christmas he just sends me a box of miscellaneous

things and it’s always tools and

stuff and it looks like a pin

and it’s to detect if there’s any electricity

in something so like if you want to know like you’re

changing an outlet

you want to know if it’s

dead or not if it’s

still hot or not it goes

and i’m like

thinking wow that’s kind of cool but then i’m

thinking wait

i’ve never ever

changed or needed this ever in my life

so now i’m just like

harry potter walking around the

house going

you know what i love dude i’ve got a stud finder

want to hang things up

and you move it

along and also in a little

i did carpentry i worked as a carpentry

assistant when i was

a kid i did a lot of construction

labor and construction sites

you know a lot of it was hammer and

nails and shit like that but

you used to have to tap on

things and listen to the sound of

where the studs were you had to try to figure it out

you always go away

using your ears

and then you

would find it

and then you’d find it you’d measure off 16 inches

which is really accurate by the way

was there ever a need to go past just

knocking yes

cause this thing is dope as fuck

because you may

catch the corner

of the stud

right but you

see now you can

catch the center of the yeah

now you get

the center i mean look i kind of get the idea that

hey we’re losing all this

you know this these

skills that we used to have but

kind of fucking

skills of those man we’ve got better ways of making

houses now which is

great those

skills are now moving on to actual

jobs like pretty soon that person that used to

check you in at mcdonald’s is

gonna be gone because it’s a

oh yeah it’s

gonna be a robot

is a stud finder now

for sure but i

can’t reason with a

robot though

so you need

human reasoning involved

right yes you need human

certainly we’re

gonna run out of

human jobs it’s

gonna be a weird

thing i mean people

worried about jobs

going overseas

got to worry

about jobs going to robots

you know that’s the real fear for a lot of

like a lot of dumb job

robots that’s gonna

terrible indian

robots will kick ass

you know i used

to be i used to work

for a company that i was one of the only americans of

40 employees all indian

right off the boat or airplane

sorry i can

say that we

accept that

but you know

what you mean but

none of them

spoke english and my job was to

teach them to be american

so that all they had to do is just be around me

and like i would sometimes

tell him to

do something here and there but mostly i felt it was

right after 9 11 too and i was like

wow why are all

these people here i don’t

they’re indian but you get

indians that didn’t

speak english they’re

generally of highly

i mean they did but very hard

the biggest problem was is that a lot of them didn’t

wear deodorant

and unfortunately

unfortunately

this room was like

40 of us in this room and i was like in this didn’t you

tell me that you

dated a chick once that didn’t wear deodorant

oh yeah yeah

oh my god i’ve done that

so awful hello

little esther

but what the fuck did you just do

anyways i had to go because it got so bad

because this room was so packed with so many employees

and it just

smelled so bad i had to go to like

the president and the company like sir may i please

speak to you for a

second and like hey you know this one guy and

in general just really

smells really bad like it is offensive

really fuck

i know it was but but

i didn’t know what to do i couldn’t work

anymore when it was just

smell like a big bo

armpit you know

every day it got bad

and so i finally had to

break in and tell him

and i felt so bad he was very

understanding and

the next day the guy comes in like a full suit and tie

hair comes and

goes how do i

smell now and i’m like i’m sorry

you know i felt

such a stunt

first of all that guy

that guy’s an

idiot because he went

right to him and told him that you said it that guy

sucks no what the president

invited in is a wiki leaker the

weirdest thing

the weirdest

thing about this company is i

never understood what

that we were actually doing though

any of them

none of them had jobs but yet it was like

i didn’t know if we were like hiding people did like

you know distribute

indians throughout the united

states or something

but i had no was the name of the company you were

software software friends

and it or something like that and they made

weird things like instead of ebay it was called like e

buy you know and then but you

go to the website

knockoff website yeah it was just

knock off tons of

knockoff website

off with fucking imported

slave labor and there was no

like work being made

i need information

they be like goggle it like like i was like

there was no work like there was no

there was no real

i just source of

there was no company to this

thing it was just like what whoa it was like a fake

software company and i was supposed to be like the lead

programmer designer and i like made one website what

was your email for them

something software friends

or something like that i wonder how many dudes are

burning made off in it somewhere in yahoo

yeah exactly yahoo

i wonder how

many people who run businesses are like bernie

madoff in it

i wonder how many people

are out there just fucking totally scamming people

right it had to be a scam of some

sort and it was

funny because it

wasn’t saying terrorism

it was two months

after 9 11 i got this job or something like that and

the whole time i’m thinking

something’s not

right here with this united

states this company

right here there’s something

going on here and it’s almost being

extra paranoid

america go america we

gotta get these terrorists and stuff

and this seemed like

the weirdest

thing ever don’t tell this to alex jones

we’ll have some fucking reason

behind it yeah what

state was this in

columbus ohio

that’ll do it

henderson road

wow it’s still there it actually

changed the name is

for friends but home of buster douglas crazy man

hey by the way

since we’re on it

right i think you

should punch up

biggie and sinatra

big yeah i think joe would really like

i think you

guys are both like this what was the name of the mix

would you say it was called

like going to be

like going to the off garden in the ghetto

there you go try that one

you might like this

oh that’s what i wanted to talk

about this guy we were talking

about scams

there was a guy named

you know what gambala is the porsche

modification company okay have you heard of him before

they’re like really

famous because they take like these

crazy cars like carrera gt

like a 400 000 car

and they take it

and they make this extreme mod when they make the

body kit look different and put like insane amounts of

horsepower on it

this guy was

crazy and he’s like

did the wild shit the cars

one thousand

horsepower six

hundred fifty

horsepower twin

turbos and shit

and apparently he was like ripping people off left and

right and he went on a trip

and someone

picked him up it was like a business trip someone

picked him up at the airport and just jacked him

they just fucking handcuffed him and shot

him in the back of the head they made him call his wife

and try to get him to

send money send a million euros

and the guy only

spoke english so he made his

he called his

wife in english he’s talking to his family in english

so they knew something was wrong

you know because he

speaks german

so then god just disappears

nobody knows

where the fuck he went

nothing no one knows what happened and then

months months

later they find

his it’s always dangerous to rob rich people

because they’re always a little crazier

about their

money yeah a crazy

story though man

this guy was

just trying to fuck everybody just you know just

we like you had one car and

three people at a paid for it you know it sold to

three people who’s making it the same card you know

it was just

gonna fuck them

you know and i

guess he did it to the wrong dude

or something

probably some russian dude crazy man

people get nutty when it comes to money man

i don’t have to tell you that right

yeah i mean i’ve

never been money driven so i’m

kind of happy about that

that’s the best

way to do the

things i do the

things i love to do that’s why i like

yeah you’re our laid back dude man you know

especially for a guy who’s

successful as you are as far as like you know

same with you stand up

yeah but it’s rare

right there’s not a lot of us yeah a lot of people you

would think oh that person’s

gonna be a little

douchey yeah

it’s the most

disappointing

thing when they are right

yeah you’re always like

but it’s one of the coolest

things when

they aren’t you know when someone has gone through some

i was you know what

saturday was the

first time i met dana

oh really and he was really fucking cool

he’s so down the

earth man i thought he was gonna be a

no not at all man and then i was like

i was like wow

he didn’t like you know just meet me and walk away was

he was engaging and he was very

cool and i was like fuck that he’s in the moment for

real yeah it’s a real business you know

yes you can’t be running the business i was

i was very pleasantly surprised by

my nose is stuffy i’m

gonna have to blow it to the much to

the area like this

already joe

i like that all

right so everybody in the house

give a warm

round of applause

for the notorious

beat i see notorious

brt ladies and gentlemen give it up for y’all

it was all a dream i used to read magazine

you dig that’s awesome

biggie was the best

my favorite of

all time so

special man

it’s not that many dudes that just had

every fucking

rhyme just had

that certain beat that made your head move yeah

there’s a lot of guys that i like

their lyrics it’s good i see what you’re doing

i like it yeah it’s good but he’s the only guy you

could take his

acapellas and put it over any beat and it

sounds like yeah

he knew that beat was playing yeah

yeah amazing

i like that

but i am sick of that song so do you do shows

where you dj

do you i mean now that you’re a

famous comedian do you ever do that like just no

i have two djs on

stage with me when

i’m performing oh you do wow really i have dj spinbad

and starting from scratch

that’s awesome that’s badass and then

they play on four turntables

and one plays instrumentals and one

plays acapellas and they’re fucking incredible and how

do you do that you have them do it before the show they

do it before

the show as the warm up

right and then i have a

comic come out and then

that is badass and they play and then they

play the audience

out on the way out because they’re bigger

venues right so

right that’s

awesome man what is the comedy seen in canada like

right now is there a lot of come

from toronto

i’m from toronto

i’m excited

about april

buddy yeah it’s

gonna be crazy coming

all over the

place what you

started off in canada though

was it in toronto was it 9

was it hard to

start off in canada or

if you’re 19 and you don’t know what you know

have nothing to

compare it to

right right

but there’s a good

scene in canada

right as far

especially toronto

right toronto is

a real good comedy

scene vancouver does as well

right yeah i

think all of canada

i mean they’re always little gems come out of all

these little pockets in canada

and we have to work harder because the audiences

are a little more

stiff out there really

they’re very loving

and they and they and they love you to

death but you

still gotta earn

their laughs

really i find that in canada

it’s almost more of a

look we’ve paid

money you better be fucking good

wow maybe charge it

too and they stare at you

no i’m talking back in the club days

that’s funny yeah when you

starting out man it’s

when there’s a huge difference between people

that come out to see you when they know who you are

yeah and someone is just coming to a

comedy show you get a little leeway then you know yeah

you can do a little

jokes that you would

never have done before

yeah and you know that they like your

sense of humor too

you know when someone

doesn’t know your

sense of humor and

doesn’t know how you

think and then they come to a show

and it’s like

you know when you

first start out they’re just coming to see

it’s like no one ever goes to a club that says live

music and you’re

dressed goth hoping

that that’s what you get

you know what i mean

but with comedy man

there’s a lot of people that come to a comedy show

they don’t know what the fuck they’re getting they get

barry manilow

or guns n roses they don’t know what they’re getting

that’s true

it’s tricky it’s the surprise

bag of comedy yeah totally that’s why when someone

you know it’s like

this weird music on the internet you know it’s like you

gotta find what

you like and just there’s one i got this one

you know it’s true

and then that’s that becomes

a problem in some areas when one guy has one successful

style of performing

and then you see all the people around him sort of like

mimic it and

morph into it like

a david tell type thing like

david tell has this so specific way of talking yeah

he’s very catchy

i love dave

fucking awesome

he’s a great guy

he made like a billion

babies oh billion

clones oh yeah

i think they

did that too

right yes make sure

it came out with this

fresh style

yeah you’re a lot of guys

sounding like so like it because it was so fun to do

i’m cracking the coconut water you

motherfucker get

another one

oh c2o coconut

water sent me a

bunch of this shit i

never heard

about us talking

about oh i gotta

get you some dank

so thank you very much my friends

c2o coconut

water is the shit if you’ve

never had it before i’ve become addicted to this stuff

and people giving me shit

about getting sick like hey joe what

about your probiotics man

i haven’t been sick in

three years the first time i’ve been sick

but coincidentally

here’s my fucking conspiracy theory

i slacked off on the

acetoplas that was my fault

but what i didn’t

slack off on was the kombucha i was

drinking a lot of kombucha but

gts kombucha

they got kicked off the shelves

they were in the shelves of

whole foods they got kicked

off because they had more than one half of 1 alcohol

because the mushroom ferments when it’s inside those

things and if

it stays in the

the crates for too long or if it

doesn’t get cold enough it

continues to ferment and it gets

stronger and stronger

so it gets over one half of 1 but

whatever the fuck they did

to keep it from

fermenting when it’s sitting in the cases they

watered down the flavor it’s like really

watery it’s a totally different flavor

and it doesn’t feel the same it

doesn’t feel like it has the same

health benefits either

so i think i’m eating dead kombucha i

think i’m drinking

some funk shit sons

of bitches those

motherfuckers

that’s why you’re

sick now because you’ve been licking toilets

cabambos i don’t lick em bro

i don’t lick em but i do sit on em i don’t really

think twice

figure what the fuck it’s gonna

you don’t even put the

paper down yeah

wipe them off wow

i still have not broken that

level of i think that’s all

crazy psychological shit

thinking you get home you take a shower you’re

gonna be okay

really yeah

i think so hmm

i always pee on the seat when i

leave just piss all over it to

leave my mark

let him know you were there no

no i don’t do that

i always clean the seat if i piss on it don’t you no i

tried to except

for if i have

multivitamin p that my

there’s only so much of this

multivitamin p’s

give you away man but people know you’re healthy

they see your pain they know it’s yours

said that fluorescent

orange shit splattered all over the scene

like look you

you healthy lazy

looks like you’re

in fuck lava lamp when i piss

yeah someone else peeing on you is not good um

it’s just as a general rule

i’m reading people’s tweets whilst i’m talking to you

that’s always a bad move

is it because those motherfuckers want attention

it’s true to start going off on you

they’re saying props for me for calling

otsd on being a fake ass dj wow

that’s cool well when you

start a fight with anybody i’ve

found in this world

that when you start a fight with anybody there’s always

gonna be a bunch of people that want to join in

it doesn’t matter even if you’re right

it’s like there’s always a side there’s

you could be totally

wrong and there’s always gonna be a but like

i got a million fucking people

you know that that were mad at me for the

whole carlsman seeing

thing that didn’t see it for the way i saw it

if there’s always gonna be people who are idiots

you know there’s always gonna be people who don’t

agree with you

but there’s always also

going to be people that just want to fight about shit

so if you know if you’re going after dj ts

they’re like yeah fuck them i hope

fucking car full of aids runs into him

people just will

start getting

angry man if you if you fucking hate somebody they get

mad they’re like too i got duped into liking him so

fuck you and

like bond with you dude

thank god you fucking said that

that guy can suck a fucking million rancid dicks

whoa bro i don’t think it’s dj

ts so that’s the problem

i think we need to sit down

i need to find out

where your angers coming from need to get a group hug

so how check this out you know you

heard about

miley cyrus doing salvia and

everything like that right imagine

this something happened to me with you joe recently

and i realized how easy

this is so this is

a tip if you have an iphone alright everyone tip iphone

if you have an iphone

and you plug it into somebody’s laptop to charge it

and if it’s not locked meaning like if you’re

using it checking your text messages

while you’re

charging on somebody’s laptop

they open i

photo they can take

all your photos all your

videos off your computer

i did that to you yeah i know off your computer without

you even knowing it yes and so

that is a perfect example like

miley cyrus oh my friend took a

photo or a video

you know i’m

gonna use your laptop to charge

bam you got all of

miley cyrus’s

video salvia

so that’s a tip if you’re ever

plugging in your ipod or iphone into a laptop

just make sure you’re

checking them and if

you’re still

plugging in your

phone that way

to charge it you’re a fucking retard well you know

you’re at somebody’s

house like hey do you have a

charger oh you can plug it into my laptop

you know yeah i mean that does charge it up right

does it charge it up as

fast though yeah i mean is a usb port of i don’t trust

that way yeah i just

feel like you know what i’ll just miss some calls right

wow in the car

that’s confident in old school

i don’t need this

yeah i could put this down

do you what

do you ever gets a

sense if you

leave your phone at home you ever do that

and i got a little

freaked out

yeah what’s up with that i have nothing to hide in that

phone but i get

freaked out

yeah i don’t want people answering my goddamn calls

and i don’t want to be

disconnected either it’s true

i will turn around and go home yeah

most of the time unless i

if i’m on my way out the door to a flight

and i was halfway to the airport and i knew i

would missed a flight if i turned around

i might have to turn around yeah

well if i’m leaving town fucking i’m missing

a flight what am i

gonna do i’m

gonna fucking not have my

phone i’m gonna be in

cincinnati with no phone

what the fuck

and then i gotta wait for somebody to fedex it to me

yeah or i’m

gonna go to 7 eleven and buy some

phone there

yeah but you don’t know anybody’s

phone numbers anymore i don’t know anyone’s

phone numbers

well you do if you have mobile me service

then you just go online and you have your contacts

yeah well that’s

a lot of people

should have an iphone by now no

no what do you want

well i use a

blackberry from a main phone

because i like the

whole software better

i like it’s not as good for sure

it gets stuck sometimes

sometimes it gets

weirded out

sometimes it rocks

shows up yeah

i have one yeah sometimes it reboots out of nowhere but

when you’re

using it but when you’re

using it like

to answer emails or to answer

phone calls or to forward texts or to do anything

for twittering to yeah i don’t

like it for twittering i like iphones better i think

what i like iphone 4 i

think it’s a

great internet device

but the phone is dog shit

the phone like servicing in

america with at amp

t is so fucking

bad at amp t’s horrible dude i

can’t do it

so i need verizon

and i need a

phone that’s

gonna work when i’m on the road

and i’m in other

countries too so i need

january iphone most likely

and then hopefully i pretty soon

yeah verizon

and pretty soon i would

don’t think

blackberry is

gonna last much longer i

think they’re just

gonna become

an app on an iphone soon

yeah you’re

gonna have your

blackberry app so you can get used to the way the

blackberry operating

system is but i don’t hear

blackberry lasting

apple friendly

no no no i mean i’m talking

about android

and fucking iphones that shit’s

destroying all the

other guys look at pom pom i don’t

think you’re

right and i

think blackberry

still has a

percentage of the market

blackberry owns the business

world yeah yeah

until it’s windows you

would think that it

would die off but it

never will right

remember when you were

using it first

way yeah when you

first got into

mac and you’re like my god this is so much better

why would anybody have

viruses and

registry hacks and bullshit and fucking

pop up windows that eat all your computer up

bet you know from

using the blackberry how fucking

annoying blackberries are

no no it’s a

new first of all the new operating system you

haven’t used it in a long time i used the new one

what’s this the torch

not the torch

i haven’t used the

torch what’s that for but i have a new

curve the one with the flat

trackpad yeah there’s

never a ball has a trackpad

i like it man

the torch is like an iphone and a

blackberry combined so it’s like the

touch it’s all

touchscreen but like if i just had it it’s

got one device

i might have

to go to the iphone if i call

on one device

bail mobility in canada gave it to me

if i could only

have that’s

canadian that’s why i don’t know what this is

if i had to use

badass actually

no you don’t know

about the torch

that’s the new one no

the last thing i saw that was a

touchscreen was the

storm 2 which was a

piece of shit

yeah that was a

piece of shit

if i had to use only one

phone i would pick the iphone but

to use two is better

because this

way you don’t eat up your battery on your main

phone cause i like to fuck around with the iphone

you gotta get in those

morphy packs man

those are gross

man i wanna

carry some extra ass battery some girl i had it the

other day i saw and i played with it it’s

not bad you’d get used to it sure it sucks this giant

brick that you

stick on the battery is not

as bad as it used to be

which one the new iphone

the iphone 4 the

piggyback battery

yeah well it’s kind of

built into the case so it looks

yeah that one

was the one that was a fucking

car battery no

this one’s morphe

juice we’re

going back to

the old days when you had a suitcase for a fucking cell

phone that’s we’re

gonna go back to

we’re gonna go back to you you’re

gonna need so much

power to do what you need your cell

phone to do

cause the cell

phone’s processor is

gonna so far exceed battery life you’re

gonna be walking around with like a suitcase nuke

like a fucking a

giant ass battery

that’s like a car battery on a handle

that’s gonna be attached to your

phone your phone’s

gonna be able to time travel

that’s what’s

gonna happen

russell my assistant has the evo

oh yeah that

giant fucking phone

super battery killer

the one with

the kickstand

oh my god we’ve

been making fun of him for that one forever

pretty weird huh

yeah it looks like

your imac yeah your imac

but it’s cool if you want to watch a

movie on your phone

yeah but it won’t

last my input

yeah his battery sucks yeah the battery so horrible now

he has this

giant fucking

battery it looks like he’s walking on with this

thing yeah that’s what i’m talking

about that’s what we’re

going to it’s

right we’re

going to a retard battery

that’s actually it’s

connected to the wall

and it sends a wireless signal out to your

phone and keeps it charged

i think projectors are

gonna become a lot bigger in the future

where they’re

gonna be so bright and

powerful coming from your little

phone that you

could actually just make your own

screen anywhere

so you’re gonna have like a

razor phone

with like the xbox

kinect style

projection wherever you want to so if

nikola tesla if they had just listened to him

and just let him

work as magic

we would all have wireless electricity now

and then we

wouldn’t have any of

these battery issues

there’d be electricity in the air oh that’s

yeah i know but

that’s like

nuts but you seen that new

application that was

just released called something like what was it called

joe the c word application word c

or something like that

where you just

point your word

i’ll check it out you

point your phone at

anything like

say like you’re

overseas and there’s like some writing on the wall

that you can’t

understand it’s in a different language

just point your

phone at it and it looks like a camera

but it translates it and puts it into this

whatever you’re looking at

is that like it’s almost like urban

spoon yeah what

you just point your

phone oh yeah direction and it tells you

where a restaurant is

right right exactly this

just this instant

translates anything so pretty cool yeah

it detects the

translation and changes here

it is it’s called

word lens word lens

really pretty fucking crazy

it’s you look at

it like through the camera and the camera reads it and

translates it on the screen

it’s ridiculous

it’s a free app

no i think it’s like yeah it’s

free oh they have language packs that cost

like if you want a different language it’s like five

bucks oh that makes

sense that’s

smart by the

way by the way

if you are playing

video games on your ipad or iphone

right now ea

all their games for 99 cents

a lot of these games are like 12

for your ipad or iphone or 99 cents

right now so

really for how long yeah

till through christmas

and they have like simcity

deluxe and like madden

which is like

13 dollars usually on the ipad it’s 99 cents

right now so jump on that

so what is this like a

promotion yeah

ea christmas sale

oh wow so a lot of

these games

i downloaded like five games last

night and it cost me 5 and they

normally cost me like

fifty or something

what is a game cost like if you go to buy like

call of duty or something like that what do they call

for like xbox and stuff like

anywhere from four

fifty nine to

sixty nine new

shit me yeah

god they used to be what like

thirty nine

yeah but i’m thinking

about back in the day when i was a kid

fucking atari games

i never was really an

atari kid i

never had it but i remember them

yeah my parents bought me the bootleg

system was called the

one from sears

gemini and played fucking

atari games yeah yeah

yeah even back then like

like how many people like talk

about teams that people get on how many people are like

sony playstation or

xbox three and they like

argue back and forth and the playstation sucks and

fucking well back in the day it was

atari versus coleco vision yeah it’s always

end up versus sega

there has to

be competition

or it would suck

it’s not just there has to be competition

it’s everyone has to pick a fucking side and

stick with it

yeah you know

nobody can go

this is better on yours but this is better on mine yeah

nobody’s like that reasonable

no everybody wants to be with the

right cell phone

carrier too you ever noticed that

yeah you know it’s like you were verizon

right yeah fucking verizon’s a shit

right all these

idiots out there in at amp

t what the fuck are you doing

like they like

wanna join you in on some fucking verizon

clan you like

sprint are you with

sprint sprint’s good yeah we’re

sprint we’re

sprint bros crickets the best

cricket you’re

gonna get cricket you’re

gonna lie dude

there was a bunch of

those little companies right

you know bugs me the most

those metro pcs fucking commercials oh yeah

yeah the most

racist commercials in the history of

racist commercials

yeah what the fuck man so many if i ever meet

those indian boys i’m slapping them in their face

trying to wake them up what the fuck is that

wake them up what the fuck are you doing dude they

said commercial

play it oh you’ve

never seen the metro

i have seen it but i

think people

should know metro

pieces are hard

they are here

they are horrible

yeah people in canada don’t know them i don’t

think boost mobile ones are brutal too

remember the

boost mobile ones

where dudes

would be like

where you at

oh yeah yeah

that was the question

greetings this is tech and talk

where we give you the download

on the techno

hi and spicy news whoa

sweet holy moly

metro pcs is offering unlimited talk text

in web for just

forty dollars a

month with all

taxes fees included

yeah telecom

miracle if this can be true chad

maybe your career and

dance isn’t yet doomed

okay but this is obviously on your comma

limited nationwide well

there’s like a couple of them that are okay little

this drives you nuts

yeah but if you made

those characters on

stage it wouldn’t

drive anybody nuts because

the same it’s

a parody they’re not actually used to sell any

this is like

one time is fine you know i mean like that i

understand that they’re selling

something but they’re selling something with comedy

right they’re trying to be

funny there that’s that’s not

it’s such a poor attempt it bothers me i get that

and the fact that like

these guys don’t ever win the

like i’m always

about the underdog

so those would be the

underdogs in the commercial

right i think it

would be funnier

if they won like whatever it is there

the joke is right

you know okay

i see what you’re saying so they end up being

the brunt and then they end up being the fucking brunt

again and they

keep on being

the brunt over and over and over

right okay like

when they have like this big fat chicken one of the

other commercials

to show ninety percent coverage

this guy is looking at her like woo

and i’m like seriously dude

are you fucking kidding me i see what you’re saying

i see what you’re saying

that it’s not clever and it’s kind of mean spirited

yeah it’s just like huh

look what we’ve done

yeah how obvious right yeah

yeah that’s

tricky man hello this is

second sock

dollar three

i’m having problems with my cell

phone calls keep

dropping if you have a

mirror handy kindly

gaze into it and you will find your problem a bad

snake charmer

always blames his

snake oh go killed

like an ice lolly i just laughed

i assume you’re on the feeble

2g network get

metro pcs and you’ll be talking

smack on 3g with nationwide

coverage in over 11 000 cities and towns 40

okay i’m sorry man that shit’s funny

i don’t give a fuck what you say but you know that’s

not funny is the

value that metro

pcs is giving us what you just had that non sequitur

with the fucking

snake charmer

that made me laugh man

well there you go that’s

fart jokes for indian people listen it’s not brilliant

they’re just trying to sell some bullshit

i think they just made them look so fucking

stereotypical

yeah what would you do though

differently how

would you make it different

if you had that scenario give them

mexican accents absolutely

i would have picked really

aryan looking people and then

given them yeah you

could always make fun of nazis there’s no one around to

stand up for nazis nazis

would be on the shit list

for a hundred years

until the next

group of fucking

psychopaths comes along

you know it’s

like i bet for the longest time nazi jokes were

roman jokes

you know you’d be shitting on the

romans right

but you try a roman joke

today and nobody you know what are you a fucking

roman yeah no

what are you saying there’s nothing but you

hit him with what are you a fucking nazi

it’s like oh that shit

still valid that’s a good one

you zinged me

yeah imagine

one time they used to say that what are you a fucking

roman kind of

roman are you

what do you have

flant that was actually an insult

from the movie the hustler

the movie the hustler

piper laurie

says to burt

fuck what is his name the very

famous actor that died

long time hustler that yeah

wasn’t paul newman blues

the guy who played burt

fuck i can’t remember his name

anyway she goes

you’re a roman burt

it’s maybe in the seventies

nazi it was the

it was in the

sixty so it’s nineteen

sixty three i believe

that all that movie

yeah sixty or sixty

three i don’t remember

i should i should

look it up so i don’t give anybody any misinformation

and i should look it up just because i

should need to know the fucking

name of the the dude was an amazing actor wasn’t it

somebody’s like can you guys talk

about something

worthwhile wikileaks perhaps

so you missed it already

stupid know

about you twats

i like like i reading the

tweet the twitters now

because people are like so looking into it

like we’re gonna

be the fucking reason that there’s a change in the

world george c scott

ah george c

scott yeah patton

and play right yes yes

piper lord says

you’re a roman but

you know it’s her way of saying you’re a nazi

like you piece of shit

he was pimping

i think he boned or two as well

it’s pretty

disappointing with

these early reviews of tron

i know man i was

gonna see it tonight

and somebody made a

great point though it’s like

if disney was

going to have a rave

would you go to it

would you think it was good

i would go do it high as

ray but jesus

if disney had ray

oh come on man

a ray would be fun even if you were

if it was a disney raid it

would be fun i don’t know a disney rave if you were

super baked

one thing to note though is i don’t

think i was a huge fan of

tron growing up i

think i was fan of the

video game i don’t

think i’d like the

movie was i didn’t know what the

video game did

you did it i just like the way it looked yeah

i’d go into the arcade

look at the game and go cool yeah

what the fuck does it do

how do you play this game and that’s kind of like the

movie kind of was a

trick back then

it was like computers were mysterious and

weird and that’s why i think

i remember like that

movie but you really try to

watch that movie it sucks

yeah i never wanted to see

tron i’m not a sci fi guy

so i never wanted to see tron

right now or then dude altered states is

one of the most

influential

movies on my life

because of the

fact that it got me in a sensory deprivation tank so i

started you know

tripping in

those things

but i tried

watching it a few years back

it’s terrible yeah

i remember the commercial for that it was

the guy with the movie

things on him

yeah well he’s

all his veins pop right yeah

he’s looking at the

what happened was he went to like

peru or south america’s company takes this

ayahuasca he

drinks it and then he gets in his isolation tank and he

starts tripping and having

these fucking incredible

experiences and

it starts turning them back into a caveman

turning them back into some

wild monkey man and he wants up you

know running around killing people

it looks so stupid

my god it’s like unbearably dumb

mm hmm you know you just you just forget

you know you forget

yeah or that

also like you

start realizing special

effects and dumb like

we were a lot

smarter now

back then it’s the

total evidence of

evolution really

i mean nobody wants to think

about it that way but it shows

there’s an ethic

the ethic in the world is

things become ever more complicated always

and if you look at old

television shows or old music

that stuff is bunk

you know old comedy

it doesn’t work

you know old comedy is broken

go back and listen to some old comedy

very rarely

do you laugh

you appreciate the craft

you appreciate well in this

time period this is controversial material and this

is amazing what this guy’s saying and wow

listen to them they’re really

enjoying it i get it but it’s not

gonna get you yeah that’s why out of all the old old

stand up maybe like

three albums

stand up still

prior still does

but you know it

doesn’t like it did when i was a kid delirious

still holds up real well does it

yeah i watched it

again recently

no performance

fuck me the shit is still

laugh out loud

funny that was a

powerful performance man

yeah someone’s old

stuff still makes me laugh

so mckinisson’s old

stuff still makes me

laugh too it’s

but that’s only 80 years you go back i mean in

1980 rather

go back like 1950

go back to that stuff

well marx brothers makes me laugh

still really does it yeah groucho

still makes me laugh

oh groucho was a brilliant guy man yeah his

show said some

funny shit when he used

to do you bet your life it was a talk show game show

some guy you

know had like ten kids or something like that

and he goes

he goes whoa ten kids

and the guy

i goes yeah i love my wife he goes

i love my cigar too but i take it out of my

mouth every now and then haha

he did always come up with

those kind of lines

bill maher actually kind of hack that

he did something

about loving his bong but i take it out of my

mouth every now

and then he was talking

about the people who are the

the family of 19 kids tribute

yeah tribute you would say that yeah you

would say that it was a tribute you

should mean everybody knows that line that

maybe it is a tribute

but it’s still like

or maybe just someone wrote it for him

but you know groucho marx was

a guy like that

was like to say that back then yeah he was

he was sharp then

his sharpness

still holds up yeah that’s like some

two thousand ten

stand up shit

yeah you know i mean

this is just to say that bill

maher has said that you know

look it works it works now

you know there’s not a lot of jokes that work now

that would work back then

you know i wonder how much business

like trench coat sales

have gone down

since the invention of the webcam

god damn these

webcams are getting better the real thrill

though is to see

the real thrill isn’t

you know those

what is that called

chat roulette

where you just stand in

front of a webcam hoping someone looks at your dick

all right the real thrill

is being right in

front of them

and pulling your dick out like jerking off on them is

it though is it that or you

could do it to like

100 people at once like man i’m doing

hundred like i’m really down to

its science

it’s just more accurate this way i

guess that would work but i don’t even have to run away

right take a sidestep what level of perversity

he was here and then he sidestepped

yeah you don’t have to do much

just to get

away just pull your head out of the webcam that’s

right but then who do you

throw your piss on

or your come on yeah that’s a problem

you just have like this big wall of like a

picture of a

woman that you try to

trigger so you take

a lot of you take a

picture of your

screen put it on the wall

for a lot of dudes that’s like what they really liked

you take a picture your screen you take a

screenshot take a screenshot

print it out whilst you’re jerking off

as you’re about to come you grab it

fuckers that’s hilarious you have to how much do you

jizz enough for a hundred people

who was the guy

that got busted oh it was christie brinkley’s husband

he was in to beat

billy joe no no no

the guy who

took over that guy

there was more than one guy there was a few guys

there was one guy who was

a guy that she got in a helicopter

crash with yeah that

guy died right

they both survived no they both survived

but because the fact they got through this thing

then they had this like

crazy romance that really didn’t make any sense

and then he

wound up the guy was a

loser and she got rid of him

but then there was another guy

afterwards who

was he was a

crazy beat off guy and

and he would

spend thousands

every month just fucking

whacking off online

just joined

every fucking

thing that you can join

it was 25 a

month and i just beat off on people

and they they had like

video this guy and

it was there was an interview

was a fucking fascinating interview with their

bringing up whether or not he had

masturbated in

front of a webcam

there have been allegations of you master this

and he was like there’s this one time

he admits to

tried yeah but

he tried to play it off this is one time and it was a

completely consensual

thing and is

it’s not that he’s just getting on

web how can it be

unconsensual

don’t you just have to look away

like well it’s

unconsensual that you get the initial

image in the

first place i mean if someone

if you’re just having a little iphone

chat with somebody a little facetime they pull out

their deck and

start beating off

yeah man you

should ask me first

that’s fucking highly

unconventional

i think just the shock

alone is worth it

like wow joe why are you why

pulling out your dick joe what are you getting so mad

at worth it to you you got one

too that would be better

you know how uncomfortable that be if

brian i’m gonna pull out my dick and

start masturbating that

would be more uncomfortable than you just like hey look

brian about oh no

come on please don’t

don’t do that why are you doing that

why dude don’t do it no don’t do

it too much

build up you know it makes it

worse oh come on

don’t come come on i

haven’t friends that have told me

come on you know if you

touch it focuses

i had a friend that told me a

crazy story

about his friend

getting a hooker and he stayed in the room and beat off

while his friend fucked the hooker

and i’m like yo i’m not willing to go that far

i am not willing to go that far you’re

gonna beat off in the room

with your friend having sex no

yeah what that’s the same

people that didn’t care in the locker rooms in high

school they were just walking around with

their dick everywhere

yeah and the

same people either died

i was hiding in the bathroom shower i don’t think i

started not caring

until i was in my 20s

yeah me and

your twenties

like you want to look at my dick you fucking weirdo

go ahead but when you’re you know

i did go to heat in this and

get naked though

really what

what’s he even

is jamaica jamaica

just went around naked

yeah there was the prude side in the nude side and

everybody was having way more fun on the nude side wow

and then they’re like come on over and i go

i go over in my

house gotta make

sure no one’s got a fucking iphone on them

oh no this is you know like

five six years ago do they

still do it now yeah i

mean you’re not allowed to have cameras there though

really but nowadays you can get fucking spy cams like

crazy right yeah

there’s all sorts of shit you can get hats that have

video cameras on

it yeah it’s pretty nutty what they can do now

the glasses

member stamlo

stand up had that

chili was doing for a fox

right it was a hidden camera show he had

glasses that were like a little camera on him there’s

a button you can buy it looks like

a butterfly

shirt yeah it’s on my new

video camera i’m always

checking up on the like just recently to get a

small enough hd that goes into a button

i saw yep think

about getting a couple of those

you never know when you’re

gonna need it

you never know

just date with the

right girls

pick up the

right button cameras

hang your shirt the

right way it’s a

venture why are you wearing your

shirt i’m cold

what’s that

weird button nothing

why are your buttons

white and that one’s

black here’s a question that was

glass it’s the bigger button

i have a question for you

gentlemen when you have sex do you guys make a lot of

noises like do you are you loud

yes you are

still i make some noise

really yeah

man if i can

cause i’m not i’m very

quiet i’m very

quiet it’s not

like i’m not

like sad man

i don’t know

why but now i’m being told that i need to be louder oh

i like how old are you brad 36

you’re being told now

listen man we’re not

not now i mean

like within the last year or so lately

people have been telling me

that they give you some very very

strong advice

fake it and just pick

what you have to do

if a girl ever gets to a point

where she’s saying

you need to make some noise

right right

this is what you need to do

you need to make some

noise right

cause if you don’t she’s

gonna find someone who makes noise

right well so

don’t stand there i know but when i make

then i make the

noise and i you can’t be shy

about it i know but it’s like

it’s not me and my personality so when i go

you take that it’s like

i think that’s a shyness

because it took

me a long time to come out of my shell with that

story so yeah listen dude i

tried choking myself and masturbating

everything mmm

no you gotta

learn how to take the

pussy and how you

gonna catch the coming

if you don’t

learn how to take the

pussy there’s

there’s girls that need that they need you to take the

pussy they need you to fuck the shit

out of them dude i get it they need you to talk to them

they need you to grab them

they need to fucking

start pinching

their hair for a

second you gotta

start doing squats

deadlifts mac

and squats and eat a lot of buffalo

if you can get some bison in you

maybe some ostrich some meaty red shit

maybe elk if you

could find elk

steaks so i

should go to fudd records you

should kill a

deer with your fucking hands is what you need to do

you need to go on one of

those indian vision

quests where you go

running down

a deer until it dies of

of exhaustion and then you eat its

heart while it’s

still beating

right and then

you go back and fuck the shit out of her with the

blood all over your

chest but not

until you finish fucking the deer

yeah fuck the deer

first just for a warm up just to get your

kinks worked out of your dick and then you go back home

no sense on

going in gold

yeah how do you make

noises when you’re making love i can

understand kick open the fucking door there’s

snow in the

background you’re making

throw the dead animal

on the ground and you howl

through a conch shell

yeah that’s what you do

do you step in and you fucking take care of business so

when you do that that kills the making love aspect

here’s the deal buddy

only fuck here’s the deal

buddy here’s the deal

fucking the last

thing you would ever want

right is a girl

who was like

like acting like a dude and talking shit to you and

you know and being all manly

with you and you know you don’t want to be getting

aggressive with you or getting

weird with you

right that would be

gross right well

with some girls

some girls are very girly

they’re very

sexual they’re very

and with those girls they want a lot of man

they want a lot of shit happening

they don’t want

you to just be like whimpering on top of them and

shooting loads

yeah they don’t want you cuddling up and

shaking and twitching

every now and then you

gotta give them what

their dna needs they need to cut talked

you don’t want to lean in go did that i’m

sorry did that hurt yeah just

when they say

sorry after

after it’s done you can apologize exactly

sorry about calling you over they’re making

crazy moments

now is it normal

also that girls always say that they must be like

starting their period

again but you

think it’s because you rip them

what’s going on in your like like bar

no like it’s like

every time i

have sex with a girl they’re like oh my god it

started again

but i think i’m ripping them what what are you huge

i didn’t think so many

girls with this

it’s like they’re always saying that it hurts them i’m

going too deep and it’s hurting well

i’ve never had a problem with

you measure your dick are

you do you have some

crazy dick all

right and here’s

an tell the

truth how big is your dick not that big

like six seven inches that’s terrible

right that’s a sad dick

i got a sad dick

like but it’s it’s good i

think normals like six inches

right this isn’t that normal

it’s don’t know

look and think that

might you be a dick

that’s making me i don’t even look at your fingers

right now i just see a dick for some reason

get your finger dicks away from me

well maybe you just you just

lucky and you

dated a bunch of shallow vagina

girls that’s what i’m

thinking i think that’s a shallow vagina girls

now here’s another question do you get

short snatch

have you ever had sex in the

shower and does

it make you

dizzy and like

wanna pass out

for any reason

no but this always makes me like

the other day

you pass out in the shower

while you’re fucking

two months ago

i’m having sex

and i’m like like

like within like a

minute i’m like all

right i’m getting

lightheaded and i had to go lay down

i had to go lay down

on the bathroom floor

and then the substitute

dick walked in and then

stop talk and was this

after she had told you she’d wanted you to talk dirty

no this is somebody else this is

asian black girl and so

but like within a

minute like that happens but if

like it was outside of the shower oh no problem at all

as long as you

want but immediately when i’m in a shower it’s like

what is that

about take it back to the same

story you need

to kill an elk with a bowie

knife you need

to jump on his fucking back and hold onto his horns

and cut his

throat as you get your guard

wrapped around his

neck and trips to the ground as he runs out of blood

that’s what you need to do

you need to

kill something

simon and when you get him from behind stretch the body

your dna is getting

watered down by

technology in the universe

you need to take a log and run up a hill with it okay

you’re losing your

fucking cells

they’re going away and why did

the fading is it normal for them put the

phone next to the pill and have

their parents listen to you have sex

on a wedding

night just kidding i forgot to get coconut water

what are you talking

about you just had one i know i’m thirsty still

okay we get

another one you freak

i’m gonna cut him off

no more marijuana no more coconut

water i don’t

think marijuana is the problem so i’m just

gonna coconut coconut water is delicious

the marijuana get some crazy

we got to get you on some elks

blood that’s what you’re gonna do

you’re gonna start drinking elks blood

just a couple days a week

small glass of elk blood

yeah no edamame

that’s it that edamame shit makes you grow tits

let me see estrogen yeah soy

especially that genetic

genetically modified soy

that shit will fuck you

eight ways to sunday who knows what’s

going on with that soy does that

so why does that also

i don’t know talking out of my ass i know nothing about

vegetable growth

vegetable growth

i think your agriculture knowledge is

disappointing joe

sucks bro sucks i don’t even know what a silo is for

i think they keep

grain in it yes

they keep grain

and if you ever hear

about people

dying in silos

like they fall off and they just

drown by going

right down the middle of silos oh yeah

grain drown yeah

grain drown can

you imagine that

shit i love corn so much

oh my god how do they get you out

i don’t know i think

they start from the bottom

so somebody has a lot of starch in their diet

you can’t swim either right

right you’re just fucking corn

everywhere oh

my god that must be horrifying

i’m always i was always fearful of those

uh those ball

things that you

throw kids in yeah

yeah yeah there’s one

thing that my my two year old has this gymnastics

class she goes to

and there’s

a pit they jump into and it’s all filled with

these little spongy foam things

and i jumped into it i’m like i don’t like this at all

like this feels like you can’t get out of here

like it might be fun if you’re

twenty five pounds

you know if you’re a two year old but when you’re

a grown man and you

fall in all

these balls like this is

stupid like why

would anybody

think this is fun

and they’re

dirty dirty

motherfuckers

i do miss like

laser tag though you guys ever played

laser tag played it once was pretty dope that shit’s

the bomb they need to

bring that back yeah

well they stopped it yeah well i don’t know there’s a

place there’s a

place out here man

fog and everything there’s a

place yeah it’s not out here it’s

about forty five minutes away

north but i’ll take you we can go somewhere

yeah that’s yeah you and

me and ari and

watching the sidelines

and then we’ll wait in line for a cabbage patch game

joey will join in to man joy

what the fuck are you asking me

what a laser tag

don’t you know what my real name is

what if it was like a

laser tag champions

for you bro

you know my wife’s last

name is diaz

really what if you’re related

a wonderful

wonder diaz holy shit

but you could also be related to nick diaz

if you had to choose

between being

related to nick diaz and being related to joey diaz how

would you nate

diaz you’d go

nate instead of nick

but nate and nick are the same

same lineage

same brothers

we are brothers

what the fuck cocksucka

stop doing my

voice shitty

he’s puerto rican right joey

joey is cuban

oh he’s cuban

is your wife puerto rican no she’s ecuadorian

oh damn she went on during

jungle you got yourself a jungle

bitch i got myself an ass

i watch this

crazy fucking

yeah i don’t like those ancient ancient aliens show

you know you ever watch those

a lot of them are kind of hokey

but i watched one last night that was dope

which one was all about

unexplained

structures yeah but this

about the masons and

the illuminati and everything and the

seven oh no no no no no no no it wasn’t

about that it was about

structures like in peru these gigantic

stone walls that they built

these are like 100 ton stones and they were carved into

place so they fit like a puzzle

and they fit perfectly

and they fit to the point where you can’t even get a

piece of paper in between the rocks

and they have no idea how they did this

how they quarried them how they moved them

thousands and thousands of years ago these just

massive walls for i’ve been watching a lot of that

shit lately

incredible shit man big alien shit it out joe

well that’s what these guys are everyone’s always

claiming it’s aliens you know

the lizard aliens right

the reptilian aliens

it’s really

silly thinking but it’s sexy thinking

you know people love the idea of everything being

aliens man there was aliens

aliens did this don’t you see

but we’re aliens

if you look at the regular primates and you look at us

we are fucking

aliens we know that we come up with

crazy shit now

isn’t it a much more likely

scenario that we have been us we have been this thing

for a long ass time

and that we have been this thing for

maybe hundreds of thousands of years

and that we’ve been

wiped out a few times

that’s much more likely

yeah much much

more like there’s no way that we were on for this long

and then all of a

sudden in a

hundred years made fucking strides out of nowhere yeah

but there’s so much evidence

that things get

wiped out all the time on earth

we know that there was

it leads to

mass extinctions 1 to 50 million years ago

165 million years ago where

everything’s dead

except like a couple of you

know some bugs

and some rats and shit and they figure out how to

become everything there is now

if you believe in all that

that gotta have happened in

smaller ways and just fucked up everyone

it must have

happened the shit that killed off the dinosaurs

it doesn’t mean that it just kills everybody

it doesn’t mean that

the mass extinctions that’s the only way they happen

it also could mean that they killed almost everybody

and they weren’t as bad as the dinosaur one

but a lot of people fucking died

and they left behind a lot of

crazy shit that they had already accomplished

and then everybody else

basically started

with scratch

we started with whatever

knowledge we had been passed on to by our forefathers

whatever was in our head

that’s what we got

and then we

figure out how to rebuild

houses and hunt for food and we go through the whole

thing all over again

that’s more likely

that’s more likely we’re here with 2012

i’m about a year and a half away

come on come on

buddy it was you fucking left yourself there

not even a year and a half

two years two years a day

well december 21st yeah

um i think i

heard they miscalculated the date though

that’s a lot of they don’t know the speculation is once

guard it was like

it’s a hundred years off

wow i’ve heard

we’re safe then

i’ve heard it’s not there’s a lot of problems with

interpreting what the mayan

said and what they really meant

you know what a mayan

mayan alphabet

the way it works is each

image depicts a

sound or a word

and like a word you know

like the way like

things were like

they would show you like

i heard someone describe it this way

it would say

i saw aunt rose

would be an eyeball

a saw an ant

and a rose that’s how you

would say i saw aunt rose

you’d have to say it like that

that’s another language i can

do that when i was

thinking mckenna said that

or explained it that way

and so when they try to like decipher

a lot of the old mayan

shit like it’s really

tricky i watch this documentary on

breaking the

mayan code like

their language was so different than ours

like so alien

it’s so hard to say like in english

what these guys

wrote down in

these images and drawings

it’s like man there’s a lot of like filling in the

blanks and guesswork and

just in the

translation

you know just trying to

translate it it’s like you

might be getting the same feeling out of what

they’re saying but

might not so

there’s so much

speculation what does it mean what is the end of the

count what is this man

what a lot of people

believe is all it is is there’s a procession of the

equinoxes and it’s a

twenty six thousand something year cycle

and what it is is that the earth

wobbles on its access yeah

doesn’t spin perfectly

and it create

completes this wobble every

26 000 years or something like that

i think it’s that much isn’t it

whatever the number is

but that this is what it was all

based on and

these are these

cycles based on but it

doesn’t necessarily mean that anything happens

you know i mean

just because they wrote it down and made a

cycle and a calendar and there’s counts in the calendar

that this is the end of the long

count december 21st

2012 even if that is the day

it doesn’t mean that anything happens

you know there’s all these people like

there’s gonna be a great awakening

and we are all going to come join in one consciousness

and experience mother gaia

she will speak to us

again as she has not in thousands of years

since the mayans last saw her

society in our lights in our electricity in our

prescription

medicine has ruined our connection to the great mother

maybe or maybe you’re a

crazy cunt and you believe in palm reading

and you just need your life to be more interesting

than being some fat fucking cheese doodle

eating weirdo

that’s sitting at home you know

watching ancient

aliens on tv

maybe that’s not the answer

maybe two thousand

twelve nothing happens

most likely

most likely but

maybe it’s some sort of a technological thing

maybe it’s nothing maybe it’s

maybe it is that’s what most

like your area

i mean like seriously

like what it was it for the odds a hundred what’s that

other planet they said i

can’t brian but you can’t say that we aren’t

we aren’t on a very clear path

yeah but do you really

think that this day is

gonna happen and then like

everything’s

gonna something

crazy is gonna happen for

real look if something

crazy happens

okay and if it happens

a decade from now

or if it happens tomorrow

what’s gonna happen is

gonna be so fucking nuts you are gonna

completely be over the fact that someone called the day

that he nailed it december 21st he was

right what are the odds

you’re not gonna care what the odds were because what’s

gonna happen is

gonna be so

fucking world blowing

right what’s

gonna happen is something like a time machine

or a portal to another dimension

or some sort of

experience interdimensional

experiences

that people be able to go through or

or wormholes

or something fucking

completely crazy

that we can’t even wrap our

heads around now because it’s beyond our comprehension

that’s what’s

gonna happen

and when that does happen

you’re not gonna give a fuck

if it was in december or july i was there

they’re gonna say look man

we’ve connected all time together in one grouping

you can dive in but you can’t dive out

who’s with me

if you go in you have to realize that your

identity dissolves

you no longer

exist and you become one of the

great mind do you do it or do you not do it

i called the day

i knew it was

gonna be july 13th look

i wrote it down

no one’s gonna give a fuck if you

wrote it down you dumb cunt

are you in or you’re not in

yeah but it’s that simple

so you’re thinking that that’s

gonna happen in your lifetime

though something

crazy no digging that

absolutely absolutely

singularity will happen within our lifetime

it’s inevitable unless

some sort of a natural disaster

occurs before that

if something

occurs before then and

knocks us back

you know to

who knows man

maybe that’s the earth’s

inoculation

system maybe the

earth is like listen

bitch we’re not

ready for you to make the

black hole machine yet

so the earth fucking sends an asteroid our way

boom i mean

maybe we don’t

think of the sky being a natural

system but maybe it is a natural system

maybe just like you

know bacteria

is here to kill off the old people

you know and

strong colds and what are

those there for what is that battle with

these invisible

forces that kill our loved ones

what is that

about well that’s a

system man it’s a whole

system in place

i mean you can call it you know

you could call

it bacteria you can call it germs you can call it

there’s a system

okay the system is when you get weak someone gets you

okay and it

might be the flu

it might be leukemia

whatever the fuck it might be

there’s some

crazy biological

system well

that might exist in the

solar system as well

the dinosaurs

might have just got too

fucking crazy

it might have just been two nuts

and the whole geological

system was so fucking off balance like

no one’s ever

gonna invent

anything okay here’s why

every time you go outside

a 90 foot lizard eats your asshole

okay no one is

gonna ever invent shit

we gotta kill these

motherfuckers

and progress comes to a screeching halt

because there’s these

super predators

i mean they are the epitome

of super predator

look at the t rex

giant fucking

thick skinned lizard

monster with huge

teeth that eats all day

nothing ever gets done like that so you got to come

with a giant

five hundred mile wide

chunk of iron from

space going

forty five thousand

miles an hour

slamming into the

crust and just fucking

everything up

just fucks the

whole party man

and when that happens then

everything gets to

start again

maybe we’re just

gonna give reboot

point yeah maybe we’re

gonna get to some point

where we’re just so retarded and out of control

and overpopulated that we’re piled on top of each

other and then

maybe the universe reboots us

i think people are

waiting 20s thought the same

thing probably though

yeah but they were

right they were just

wrong by the day

the difference between 1920 and

2010 in your life is a long time

in the life of the universe they ain’t shit

okay they recognize an ethic

and they saw it in advance

that’s what it is

they just were wrong

about the date

when they thought the

apocalypse was coming

10 000 years ago

they were right

okay they were just off by 10 000 years

ten thousand years isn’t shit

but everybody is paying attention

if you look at the direction that

human beings are

going we all recognize it’s

going to some

crazy point that’s not a fucking bright future

there’s no way

there’s no way if population

keeps increasing and increasing and increasing

and we keep

polluting and

polluting and

fighting and war and iran its nuclear weapons

we got issues

some shits gonna go down

it’s inevitable

and everybody recognized that

back in the biblical days

they recognize that five hundred years ago

they recognize that the nineteen twenties

and they were right

they were right

it’s just that’s the way it’s moving

just takes time

so that’s what all this

two thousand

twelve shit is

you know whether it’s two thousand

twelve or when

jesus comes back

i got these fucking

videos that are

awesome okay

they are all it’s

kirk cameron series

their vhs i

gotta get i

gotta buy them on vhs man that’s how awesome they are

and it’s i forget

what they’re fucking called he’s like a

crazy christian now

right beyond

yeah he believes the rapture

that is gonna happen

when jesus is

gonna come back

all the beautiful people that love

jesus are gonna disappear

and they’re

gonna leave us

stranded in hell

the hell of earth

that god is

gonna come and take away

he believes

basically that god is like an

alien who’s

gonna take all his

his brothers back to the mothership

he’s fucked

how nutty is

that concept when people say no it’s not an

alien man it’s the rapture it’s

gonna take us to heaven

we’re gonna live forever

with love it’s not like

aliens you’re

going to heaven

you’re going to space

you’re leaving this planet you’re

gonna disappear

we’re not gonna no

god is gonna remove us from

no you do you

might as well be beaming aboard

okay you’re

using magic and you’re

gonna go to some special place

and you don’t

think that’s nuts

these videos are awesome

they’re awesome

and he really sells them in the

videos oh yeah man

these people are

believing this man

it’s a window into madness

and it’s all based like

there’s a whole

book series

that’s written by these two dudes

that write these

apocalyptic

you know rapture books

and they sell like crazy

god i’m gonna have to google

this now because i don’t remember the name of this guy

and it’s kind of important

because the whole idea is pretty fucking interesting

what’s your religion man are you you religion

i’m not a religious left behind that’s what it’s

about these are the books that

was raised catholic though

what yeah i was too

that’s good enough

right catholic like inoculates you because it’s so

silly you know you’re

ridiculous yeah and everybody’s

fucking everybody and hitting everybody and shit

you know you don’t

just such a ridiculous

like when i look at it now i’m like

really you want

me to believe some of this shit any of this shit really

yeah it’s like it’s so

ridiculous and who

wrote this book yeah

the left behind

series you got to

check it out

they may i think they made two

videos i’m pretty sure i have both of them and

if i don’t i’m

gonna buy em

if they come out with new ones i’m buying them too

blu ray they’re awesome blu

ray 3d unintentional

kirk cameron on blu ray 3d

yeah kirkham

is curly hair will come so if you

if you were raised

catholic you know i have all this indian art around my

house and you you were very

aware of what all this shit is and you very

aware of you know what the names for him and

everything like that

how do you know all that stuff well

still my parents are from india

right so you

should know

things you go when you go

visit family and

stuff you would see

not in their

houses but like you

would see it around

india and i’d ask what is that what is that

it is a pretty fascinating fucking country

when you think

about the history of all these

weird fucking

really thoughtful

things have come out of india

you know just the the the history of yoga

you know and

the yogis and the sad dudes and you know all

those dudes sitting around smoking

chillums and trying to figure out the universe and

you know the the bahava geeta

and or maha bharata and

you know what is

what is that the fucking

there was another

another ancient text that’s really fascinating

they just eat

my hot parathas

what are those

like little breads

they’re breads

little parathas

my mom would make them

when was the

first time you saw a chicken that wasn’t red

huh chicken it wasn’t red

red chicken

red chicken

indian chicken yeah that shit’s oh it’s underage

red chicken

the bag of akita

right that’s what it’s called the hindu

book the ancient

hindu book yeah but

that’s what oppenheimer

quoted after he fucking blew up the atomic bomb which

was very nice huh

but you got

wild did you guys that

was never a religion though you know it’s just a

way of life really

yeah and then somebody

wrote it down and became a religion

it’s almost like if

somebody said

wrote down the rules to yoga and then people

started following it like a religion well they do

yeah right means

look i know people that are younger people that

you know they do

to classify themselves as yoga people

they might as well be in a cult

i mean they really

might as well be i mean it’s very

beneficial and it’s helping them a lot certainly helps

like they all have

great energy

and they’re all like really friendly people

but it’s it’s it’s

might as well be a cult

you know it’s like sort of the same sort of

thing they start

talking this one chick

are you fucking ringing your phone

again dude yeah what’s

wrong with you

what was that

sounds like a song

huh this one

it’s not any religion though the

minute it gets written down comes a religion i guess

but i mean the yoga

thing is a fascinating

thing because it real

but it really is is some sort of body maintenance thing

you know they figured out how to

maintain your body

and maintain

like your health

and maintain like a certain

sense of clarity

and a lot of that shit came out of india man

a lot of that shit you know came out of the

you know they

look a lot of the ancient india

way of life like with the

with the sad

news and with these

these yogis and i always wonder

like why this one area

you know if you look at all

these different areas of europe all

these different areas like

india especially has a lot of like really

trippy shit that came from india

like all your artwork

the indian artwork not your artwork

oh you people you know you people

the canadian artwork

is all so fascinating man it’s all really trippy

like you know shivas

with you know

they’re fucking six arms and shit and like

it’s all really really

bizarre like

psychedelic heady stuff

it’s a very state of mind country yeah

when you go there i talk about it

funny enough in my act but

no i’m good thanks

did you happen to see that yogi bear parody where

yogi kills boo boo

no did you see that

joe talk about non sequiturs you

motherfucker we’re talking

about india

well trippy

india were talking about yoga and this is yoga

no that is not what we’re talking about

not talking about yogi bear

i just brought

that up because no one was saying anything so

oh i see oh well

you saved us

i had nothing to say about

india good save

why don’t you try yoga brian

maybe that’ll

bring you a

fucking hard dude i’ve done it a few times it’s great

especially if you’re single it’s the best

place ever to

go to meet girls and see

their buttholes and

stuff see their buttholes just see a move around

they’re barely wearing anything

especially you get the hot

sweaty one they’re like

it’s just amazing it’s just naked

chicks pretty much and it’s

naked chicks are looking out for

their health yeah

right so they’re healthy and

good bronze yeah yeah

especially if they eat like good

stuff eat good food

pussy smells good right

you know what

some chickens hot dogs all the time with that

stinky ass beer

pussy man totally and

too much vegetables make a fart

stink so yeah really yeah

more than meat

i find that

very oddly vegetarians have the

worst farts ever really oh my god oh man i

guess if you

think about it

when vegetables rot

yeah but meat rotting

smells worse

it’s gotta smell worse man

it’s really

gross it’s not

a meat rod i

challenge it

i always define

it in my head by

thickness you’ve

never smelled my friend

tate fletcher’s farts

you know kind of

grace you really did that

sometimes yeah you don’t even know what you’re talking

about son you

think you do you

think you know

smelly farts like

when you get like one of

these ufc motherfuckers farts on you protein farts

dudes who are

digging protein tubs of

synthesis all day

and try to stay

maintained at

about two thirty nine

twenty three nine

pounds of muscle

and they fart and just

clear out buildings yeah

yo our friend tate

i always find the better

the shape the person’s in the worse

their farts are really

it’s cause of protein man

they eating a lot of protein that shit

cakes up inside you and forms pockets and just

stews and then finally comes out in a gaseous form

i’ve been having some pretty bad ones lately really

and i keep reviewing my diet in my head and going

what the fuck

is causing this dead animal in my body to come out

i love indian food man and

if you eat indian food you know there’s a

place down the

street from me like you know

the reason why

you know your farts

smell that way

like when you

smell indian food when

indian food farts are very specific dude see for me

they’re very normal to me

see for me in our house it would be like somebody

would fart and it would smell my dad be like who ate

macaroni and cheese

somebody’s been eating shit in this house

in fifth grade they

had a hamburger

in fifth grade our

teachers actually had to pull the whole

class aside because our one indian guy

named omar brosher

i guess everyone made fun of his farts because they

smelled different than owners

and so they had to

explain to our

class when he

was out in the hallway that do not make fun of him

he has a special diet and they have

that’s hilarious i remember that

clear as day his name

port omar if you’re out there

religious special diets are

the nuttiest

shit man i have a

buddy of that always makes me lucky

and he was a

fighter he was a taikman oh fighter

and he used to on ramadan

you know you’re not allowed to

i don’t know exactly what the law is

you fast until sun

down i know you

think you’re allowed to

drink water

right nothing

yeah i don’t

think you do shit

and so you know he would

still compete even though he had to do this

you know but it

would just just

wreck him physically he was just useless

you know like it didn’t

there wasn’t there a

basketball player that did that as well

there was like a

famous basketball player

akima oswan i believe it was was it him

i don’t remember what it was because i’m not really a

basketball fan but it was

one shut up man

there was one

famous basketball

player who used to do this he’s do the ramadan

thing and he couldn’t eat then he

would go play

basketball and suck

like whenever

the fucking you know people get pissed off and i

would ramadan

would come around

i don’t remember who was

but it’s weird when people

stick so fucking

rigidly to like

weird little rules like that

about eating

you know like yeah i don’t get that

that’s a luxury

of people that

have too much food if that’s what you’re coming up with

you should be just eating to stay healthy all

right stop stop with the

you know if you’re

gonna fucking

love god go love god

enough to love god with your food you fucking freak

yeah you have to deny yourself a food when you have it

jesus christ who put the food there

if you believe in god don’t you

think he put the food in your life

he wants you to eat it you fuck

isn’t what you just

starving yourself all day for his love

he made the

whole universe

you think he’s impressed with you

starving yourself all day dear god

i did not eat that pig today

yeah it gave me the eye

i’m addicted to crock pots

right now really it’s so nice you just

throw a chicken in there put some

lemons in there

wait six hours

later you have like a real hardcore meal you know

hardcore the old

chicken and

lemon in a crock pot yeah

the old sounds

delightful there are some

steak and some vegetables in there

bam you got beef stew

that’s the difference from you and i

right there in a nutshell

i like cooking over fire

when it’s cold outside

outside yeah

and i look real wood but what you don’t chart 83 here

it’s been 83 here in la well yeah

40 i used to like doing in

colorado but i did it with a gun in my pocket

i live in colorado

because i was cooking meat outside

you know with fucking wild animals yeah

i lived in the woods dude

i know i remember when you left

yeah i lived there for a few months

if it wasn’t for the wife i’d

still be out there

i remember you

listened to our one podcast when we were talking

about third base

remember he was texting

party at the time yeah that’s

right right

what was the

issue that came out i can’t remember

because we’re looking for the name of base

that leads yeah

was research and

research and the other

pete nice yes

prime minister

pete niceness

and richie rich i believe was

their dj yeah

those guys were good dude

why what happened to them how come they disband

started some

clothing company and

why did he stop rapping

i don’t know you can’t rap forever

why can’t you

why not you

stand up there’s only so many

wrong you can do

stand up forever you can’t be

too successful and just keep rapping you know

why not peace

i don’t know

why can’t you

i know it’s a young man

sport this rapping it’s like

it’s almost like a sport

really yeah

why is it is because the

young men are we

appreciate a certain amount of swagger

and cockiness and

confidence in young men

but when we see it in old men it’s just stupid

especially men that aren’t too old yet

yeah we’ll accept it

again once you hit ninety

yeah it’s like you know it’s like

watching old

fighters you’re like man i remember when you were good

you slow down you

you’re not your reflexes aren’t the same

what was that bro

third base oh

that’s one of the

weirdest things ever is

watching a fighter deteriorate

it’s very very strange thing

god damn it jeff

some motherfuckers

is it him yes it is

i’m doing a podcast i call

you back pop goes

yeah that was a good one

that was uh they were see this is like one of the

first hater songs

they were upset at vanilla ice getting paid

oh that’s right yeah

turn this up turn this up

that’s right he’s dressed up as vanilla ice

phony entertainers like what they’re doing is valid

but when val ice is doing was not

it’s ninety one so something’s got to change

nineteen years ago

you know my mom met millie vanilli

one week before they got caught

in an elevator they shared an elevator

do you know angelo sarucas

no who’s that

friend of mine comedian

him and joey

always end up going out for the same roles cause they

same size right

so angela was flying to south africa

whoa and he gets on the plane and

this guy sits beside him

up in business class and he’s like

and the guy

standing it looks and goes hey man i recognize you

comedian right he goes oh yeah hey goes

then he got it looks

enemy and he goes holy fuck it’s k fed right

it’s like that’s cool kevin

federline the guy used to be married to britney

spears so he’s like oh they’re talking the

whole flight and he’s like what are you

going here for i’m

shooting a commercial for something and

because yeah i’m doing a show you

should come to my show and blah blah blah

all right kev all

right and the guys kay fed was doing a commercial

was the story here so

they invites

him to the show and he shows up to the show

and he’s backstage with all his friends and

he’s like hey guys this is a k fed and

he just call me rob he’s like

all right it’s kay fed

and then i’m

madam ed was with him and

i’m madam ed

posemos i goes

hey that’s not kay fed that’s

vanilla ice

oh my god oh my god

wow you know what son of a bitch it’s like

that’s had to be painful for vanilla

ice because then he realizes that he’s in that category

of talent that the kids

who are famous

who you make fun of but they’re

right here so you don’t make fun of them but i have a

slight possibility to sleep with britney spears though

well he definitely did that you know in the

right category but

still vanilla ice was like a legit

superstar performer for a short period of time

had a few big hits

scott the do it yourself show now scott

do you remember what vanilla ice does

he has a renovation show on like the hgtv

wow that’s hilarious

do you remember when vanilla ice boxed

todd what are you doing todd bridges

todd bridges beat the fuck out of vanilla ice course

of course sort of but

still bridges is black that

the other guy’s trying to be

black now he’s doing something

it’s always any guy that’s trying to be

black versus a real black

black’s always real

black that’s hilarious

oh dude that’s there is some

logic and science to what you just said yes

of course a guy who’s trying to be black

talking to a guy who’s black fighting

so true so true

there’s no way he could win

never he should have known

going into that contest stop

collaborating this

maybe thought the top bridges was a fake

black because he was a

child celebrity and he was on different

strokes raised by a white

but he was he was only raised by a white on tv

inoculated from that

all that hollywood shit

crack cleaned him out of that yeah

crack clean that out and brought him back to his

roots ghetto

back to his inner ghetto todd had dana on his side too

not white either

poor dana playda hmm

that was a that’s a disturbed

show man when you look at all the things that happen to

those people on that show

you got to go whoa what the fuck

tom he’s last

man man yeah and and dana plato

all fucked up

huge celebrities on tv

everybody’s

happy now he’s doing icdc commercials

what does that mean is it i

see is it icdc

the college community college

we had them on fear factor

it was a it was a very

angry guy man it was there’s some dudes

where you you like you hanging out with them

and you’re talking

to him or whatever and you go okay i can i

could tell you in ten minutes

ninety percent of what’s

wrong with your life

it’s the way you’re fucking acting man he was like a

spoiled child

like when he

lost and he got eliminated from the show he goes

oh i see what’s

up i see what’s up you guys don’t want me to win

like he was like like a

child and he was like a man in his thirties

like no i want to

shake his hand

wouldn’t eat the cockroaches i

would shake his hand

yeah exactly

he wouldn’t

shake hands with me and i’m like okay good

good i’m glad

i’m glad get out of here

who was that one episode

where the guy wanted

to we had to slap down a guy

oh yeah there was a couple

there was a couple and they’ve fought with each

other all the time

screamed and yelled each other

one time on a show

he had thrown her to the ground on one of the shows

another reality show they were on

so we had been told that this guy was like

violent and he

could be dangerous and so

we did the show and the girl

had been taunted the

whole time the show is going on

it was the guy the guy’s name was

jonathan and i forget what his wife’s

victoria was his wife

and there was another kid

the dude who got fucked up by

danny bonaducci once

he was on survivor johnny

fuck i can’t remember his name

anyway johnny

anyway what

happens was this kid is an awesome shit talker

and while they were off there doing

their stunts

he was like

screaming at them

jonathan you can do better she’s dead weight

she’s dead weight man

and she’s holding you back

it was really

funny man because they were

frustrated and yelling and

screaming at each other

and he was like

dumper and she was like you shut the fuck up

and he’s like

you see this man

this is bad energy dude you don’t need this

and so he’s like totally torturing them

while they don’t go through their

stunt they’re fucking up and they can’t find

their flashlight

it’s a disaster right

so when they come back

after they got eliminated

the girl walks up to this johnny kid

johnny fucking forget his name

and punches him

just straight up hit some

and i go whoa

whoa what the fuck you can’t assault people

kind of fair play

thank you that’s him

and i’m like

just because you

you fucking hit your husband

doesn’t mean you can hit

other people

and then the husband goes hey hey hey

and he gets my face and

all i could

think to say was no hey hey hey

he says hey hey hey

so i said all i

could think of is this guy’s

gonna hit me like for sure he was

a total loose cannon

and he was screaming and yelling at his wife just

seconds ago and now he’s like in my face

and i’m like this guy easily

could hit me

so i shoved him

away from me i said get the fuck out of my face don’t

touch me don’t come

close to me

and then he came back

again and he goes

touch me again

and then i just

pushed him again

and then i grabbed his head then i

grabbed the back of his head and i just held onto him

i was like if he hits me i’m gonna

knee his fucking

brain into another part of the universe

but i’m not

gonna do anything

until he tries to hit me

so i just held on to him

but i was convinced that he was

gonna hit me

it was like you just go straight held him down

this way i just

grabbed the back of his head i got him in a tie clench

i just grabbed the back of his head

i just it was

right there i just grab it i was

like i was gonna

choke him thought

about choking him

but i’m like if i

choke him then i’ve done something to him

right now i’m just holding on to him

so i just grabbed a hold of his head and i just

handled him

until they pulled us apart

but no nothing ever happened

but it was a

it’s weird when

there’s someone that’s that dangerous

it’s someone’s that has that little control over

their physicality and

their emotions

those are usually the guys

that have never

been punched in

their face usually yes usually

yeah guys that always run off with the lips

never been punched in the

mouth usually

he completely panicked once i

grabbed him he went like a

child he didn’t know what to do

he didn’t know to hit me

or push me away so he didn’t do anything

he kind of just flailed his arms

in this weird like

panicky moving

thing you know

most people

are not used to conflict like physical conflict

when you do

jiu jitsu you know you used

to physical conflict all the time it’s like a normal

thing like it’s not

doesn’t seem

unnatural but for a lot of people don’t fucking

hyperventilate

like i’ve seen people in

street street

fights just straight

hyperventilate

freak out not

know what to do not know how to handle themselves

it’s not cool

it’s not good to be around fucking

crazy creepy people

but if you’re

gonna be around

crazy creepy people it’s way better if you know how to

fight the last

thing you want is them knowing how to

fight and they’re

crazy and creepy and you’re

the lost fucking this fucking

drowning in this

ocean of panic

what are you doing reading tests i’m reading

these once you’re talking one sided conversation

where i’m listening and i’m reading

these and maybe we

should end this

maybe ah geez that

time has come this is what i did it’s what happens when

every show comes to an end eventually

after a while brian

so you just

what are you

talking about

i saw carlos newton at the

fight when i was there did you

i trained with him a couple of times did you really

how long have you done jujutsu

i just used to roll around with there’s a comedian

named ron jossell out of canada

oh yeah back in 97

i used to bach

i stopped boxing in 94 but

he wanted to

learn how to

strike in 97

and he was doing

jiu jitsu and i was like you’ll

never get past a boxer

oh that’s funny and in

seconds i was

screaming like a

bitch cause he had me in an armbar

and so then you

learned it yeah i

trained with him for a little bit

that’s cool do you do anything now

no that’s why i was asking cause i

wanna go somewhere and do something

cause where do you

spend the majority of your time

well on the road but i’m

gonna be here now for a while

okay what with the new developments

yeah where well you don’t want to tell me

where you live

on the air these

fucking people are creepy man

los angeles they want whoa

that’s very specific

they wanna know

where you are

where are you russell

i need to talk to you

how many people

do you have given you

scripts and

shit yeah don’t you have a tv show coming out i have

a deal with nbc but we don’t you know waiting on that

script right

i don’t get any scripts no

you don’t get any

scripts what do you mean

i mean the agency sends them to me but it’s not like

here they want you for this film it’s like

see if you like anything in

here and then i’ll try and get you an audition i’m like

yeah and i’m good i’m not gonna

start fucking reading things

just for the sake of you

well i think that with your

popularity as a comedian doing a sitcom

would be a natural

thing yeah they

would just get somebody really good and

write something for you

totally the fuck is

wrong with them

good dane cook to

write it or something

shut up brian

the fuck is

wrong with you

brian how about a news

radio type of

thing that was

my brother my brother has

every season on dvd

it’s hard to do one of

those though you gotta get

the most important

thing is you have to have a

powerful writer and a

powerful producer

the guys gotta be good they have to

good with good sensibilities

there’s just not a lot of them there’s a lot of them

are hacks and you had a lot of good people on you yeah

yeah you can get good

people though there’s a lot of good people you could do

three four five six

seven casts of good people

in la you can find a lot of talented

comedic actors

you know that you could put

into tv shows and if you figured out how to

write specifically for them you

could have it really good

it’s you know

a lot of that is luck what’s really hard is finding the

right writing and fine cause look

after news radio

how many of us went off and did

successful sitcoms on our own none

none of us did

you know everyone

tried i had a couple of

pilots i had a couple of

things that i

was writing and

things that i did or

things that i went up for

it’s too hard to find something good

you know i would get these

things and i’d read them and i’d

be like fuck man i couldn’t do this like this is clunky

dumb hacky horse shit

and once you do like a really good show it’s hard man

so terrible feeling for a stand up

to be doing

shitty comedy and not even be able to change it

that’s a terrible feeling man i get to i get to

story edit once it’s written so that’s good

yeah you get to

story edit oh that’s

great man if you

write your own shit if you had your

own idea and sat down and came up with your own shit

that would be the move man

that would be the move

cause you’re the only guy that really can

write for you

you can’t get some fucking dude who’s not really even a

stand up who’s like some sort of a

you gotta find it like a really

powerful fucking really bright guy

to a news radio but have it podcasting

i’m listening

and it’s our life

brian it’s 24

hours a day

right and just because i mean if you think

about it like the news

radio things good like

radios are pretty much dead that’s you know the new

things podcasting have a sitcom around podcasting news

with friends

maybe have like a little

black child

different strokes and

that’s not about no you don’t want

you were on

fox right back then

no no nbc no news

radios nbc i was on a show on fox

before that though called hardball that was for like

there was only like

seven episodes i

think aired

maybe six aired seven shot

terrible show

and it was that yours

no i was the star of it but it was a baseball show

almost one of the stars

there’s a bunch of

other people in it

but it was it was

one of those shows that was really

funny at one

point and then got butchered

the guys who

wrote it is guys jeff martin and kevin kern

they wrote for

the road for

married with children they

wrote for the simpsons

really really funny guys

but the network didn’t

think that they could

produce a show

they didn’t

think that they

could like they were hard enough to run a show

so what they wanted to do was give

it to a producer and the producer took over and just

started rewriting

everything and turned it into

their showrunner

jack it up shit

it became dog shit just

total hack need

obvious dog shit and

that’s not fun

you know that’s what a lot of happened a lot

of that happens in hollywood you know there’s a lot of

weird nepotism where

the you know that a guy worked on a

successful show

it’s like he must have the

magic he worked on

coach yep you know so they they

bring the coach man in this is the man from

coach they always do that

with my coach

they always do that with me

yeah they always tell you well

you know russell this

is this is what

we’ve done before and it’s worked and i go

well clearly

everything i’ve

done in my career has not been the regular path

right right i didn’t get to this

level cause i followed the same

path that you

think is the

the key to success here the key to

humor too yeah yeah

yeah the key to

humor is like man it’s so hard to

gauge one person’s humor like

i don’t know if i

could do it as as a

comic and a comedian and a writer i don’t know if i

could take someone else’s comedy i

would have to be so intimate with that person’s comedy

to like try to write

a plot or an idea for them

like you’re

gonna get you know

your idea of what

their ideas

would be i think louis

ck did it the best

yeah i did it himself that’s probably

the best example

how to do it perfect yeah the new show on fx

right yeah the new show

yeah yeah he totally got it

right i watched a couple episodes he’s

i love louis

yeah he’s perfect he’s doing exactly the right way

why don’t you

marry him would you

marry him shut up brian

you guys are

gonna marry him are you ginger babies um

no we’re not

gonna marry him i am

brian i think you died ten minutes ago

here your body’s being run by bacteria

coconut water

your but yes your body’s being run by bacteria

that was living in the coconut

water when i die it’s gonna be like aliens where that

robot dies and all that milk starts coming out of them

and let me ask you a question that you already

asked me what do you think

about all this

2012 shit um

i don’t know i keep watching all these things and

what’s that

no beru that planet they say that’s gonna hit us

well yeah well they did discover a

large object they believe

exists way outside of pluto

some large jupiter sized object

have you ever

had michio kaku on your show

no but i got a chance to talk to him once on the open

anthony show

and ask him a

bunch of question he was on the phone

it’s fucking

great man that guy’s awesome i do love that guy

he’s really

smart thank god there’s people like him out

there yeah because i don’t have that kind of patience

you know like

these theoretical

he explains it

so well well he’s so educated and intelligent and

his whole life has been you

know in this pursuit of wisdom

i don’t have

that kind of devotion to shit you know it’s like

my my thing

about so many

things is like

how much time

would it really take to kind of

understand what the fuck this guy really knows like

when you hear

about string theory

you know when you hear about

just the idea behind it how long

would you really have to

study it before you

truly understood what the fuck they’re talking

about i’ve watched documentaries on string theory a

bunch of times

i never really

know what i’m taking away but i know i’m fascinated the

whole time yeah fascinated the

whole time but just like what

you know there

could be i watched one

with michio kaku

where he’s talking

about there

could be another you and another dimension that took a

left when you took a

right and he went on a totally different life journey

happening right now

simultaneously he’s talking

about parallel universes yeah that there

might be an

infinite number of yous doing the same life and

going in an

infinite number of different directions all at once

and then there’s the

other thought that

you are traveling

and transgressing

through different parallel dimensions all the time

and the one you

exist in right now

is the one you

exist in because of your choices and

literally is not the same one

as the one you

started off in

you have been with

every decision you

make in your life you’re moving into a new dimension

you’re moving into some new universe some new parallel

existence what the fuck are we talking

about folks we’re talking crazy shit

i was in houston

i’m almost i’m so fascinated by the moon landing

thing oh are you yeah you me as well

because i was so i was in houston recently

and there was this indian girl waiting

by the bus for an autograph in a picture

very nice very innocent

she’s like i just want to take a picture she’s from

india too right like

cool no problem she goes

you know my whole

class at the university is all big fans and like that’s

great thank you very much

i go what are you guys studying she said

astrophysicist

i’m like are you kidding me

i goes like what do you mean you designing

spacecraft you were

studying it and we’re you know yes we are that’s

ultimately what we’re doing

when i said so let me ask you a question

have we gone to the moon

and she goes

they say we’ve gone to the moon

i go i go what does that mean

well they said we went to the moon i go

so is it possible that we went to the moon

no it’s not possible that we went to the moon

but they’ve said we went to the moon

it’s physically impossible to go to the moon

in this day and age

she said it’s not possible then how

would it be possible

now what was her reasoning for saying that it’s

not possible she said the van allen radiation belt

she said it

would peel off your skin

she said it’s not like

you know it’s not like it

would affect you

later she said it

would literally

your skin would fall off we can just to play

devil’s advocate

though there are readings of the van allen radiation

belt they’ve released online that you could find

where they show the

levels that are out there and the amount of exposure

the astronauts

would have gone through

if they did what they said they did

and there’s a

bunch of people that have said that they

would survive it

that’s all just on

paper though

right my problem with it is they

never sent a fucking chicken into

space and had that

motherfucker come back alive

and they did

it with astronauts they did it with american

civilian or american

you know astronauts during

the apex of a 20 year

solar cycle really you went all the way out there

yeah she said it’s just

too far too it

would take too long there’s no way

they got up there and then sent a

transmission back that

quick either

yeah that’s kind of trippy too

she’s like there’s no way like there’s just it’s not

physically possible what’s really

trippy is that

only did they do that they actually timed

the panning of the camera

from houston

to catch the

lunar module as it

separates from the moon surface and they follow it up

they time the pan

like they timed all that on a delay

from houston

like maybe they did it

maybe they did it

you know i wasn’t there she literally

pointed out my iphone and said you have more

technology in this

true then you didn’t all of

that’s not just

about technology it’s

about calculations it’s

about thrust it’s

about speed it’s

about catching

the the you know the the

the rotation of the moon

coming back

along with it’s the

slingshot effect and

but i’m not saying that they i’m not saying that i

think they did

do it because i’m i’m not convinced they went but

you got to make sure

that when you

argue about

things like this like that the science

the science is really

tricky like you have to know way

too much to really know what the fuck you’re talking

about sure i don’t

i don’t but what i

do know is i

i know bullshit

okay and i’m

real good at bullshit i’m mama if you lie to me man

i i can tell i can see twitches in your eyes i can

smell bullshit a mile away

i’ve been around so many

creeps my whole life

i just fucking

and just being a comedian and being a student of the

human animal

when you watch the apollo 11

press conference when

the post flight

press conference that to me

was one of the biggest

pieces of evidence that something’s really wrong

because they’re

clearly bullshitting

there’s no doubt

about it if you

watch the apollo eleven

press conference

the post fight press

post flight

press conference

they are they’re talking

about this like

like they’re just like

making shit up

it’s like it

doesn’t seem

like they have any connection

to what they’re talking

about it doesn’t seem

remotely like it was a part of

their life that they’re describing

it seems like horseshit

and it seems like

horseshit and

they’re nervous and they’re answering questions

we’ve never gone back we’ve

never even come

close the only time

human beings have ever been more than 400

miles above the

earth’s surface was them

the all the moon missions

all the ones when they flew

over it and didn’t land and the ones that they did land

between 1969 and 1972 they went

and landed and supposedly and came back it’s far it’s

250 million or

250 000 miles

yeah but just think

about that think

about the fact they did that in

69 yeah that

doesn’t make any

sense we’re moving into

2011 yeah we

should have had some sort of

that’s so long revisit

let’s check and see

if anything’s

changed up there

but people look at it man it’s like a technological

jesus you’re not supposed to question it it’s a deity

it’s a technological deity

well yeah i mean but at the same time we’re also in the

space race with russia we had to beat them at something

yeah but did we even or were we even

you know at

the highest

levels and i wonder

if we’re gonna find a

shit in wikileaks

at the highest

levels i wonder

how much corroboration there is between governments

i wonder how much of

the fucking cold war is just to keep everybody in line

you know who knows who knows how much at the highest

level there was actual real communication

and exchanging of information you know

i don’t fucking know man

i don’t know i

would not pretend

to know i know exactly what’s going on

because then you know people say well if the russians

weren’t in on it

why didn’t they rat america out

i don’t know you know

that doesn’t mean they didn’t fake it

you know there’s a lot of fucking shit

and it could

never come out

now because if the government can lie

about that then what else

can they like

everything from 1969 is

cheaper easier and faster to do

today except

go to the moon

it’s like there’s nothing else

the jets are faster the weapons are better

the technology is better for communication

everything’s better

except space travel

and everybody’s well that’s because it’s a lot of money

maybe maybe

it’s possible that that’s

all it is it’s possible that everybody just looks

for a conspiracy and

everything and it’s like

you’re just looking too hard and it’s just it seems

crazy but it’s just because

there’s an atmosphereless

object and it’s out in

space maybe

or maybe they

faked it that’s possible too there’s a lot of

weird shit to it

there’s a lot of

weird shit but the fact that neil armstrong becomes

some sort of a recluse and stops talking to people and

buzz aldrin goes insane

buzz aldrin became like a serious alcoholic

after the moon landings

so weird fucking there’s a lot of

weird something has

to get into your head to make you turn this way yeah

there’s a lot of

weird shit with the fucking

lunar orbiter

the lunar module

you ever watch like them try to do that

thing on earth

there’s a famous

video footage of

neil armstrong in that

thing and he ejects

and it falls to the ground explodes and blows up with

flames but damn that

bitch worked

like a charm when they were up there on the moon though

they got that

whole re engineered

and figured out perfectly so it worked flawlessly

on every mission

maybe then there’s the

prime minister of holland was

given a moon rock by neil armstrong and

buzz aldrin and

they fucking

recently like within the last couple years they

found out that it’s not a moon rock it’s petrified wood

this is in a plaque

given to them by the astronauts

like here we’ve

brought you back a souvenir from the moon sir

why i picked this one myself

i chipped it off and we brought it to you because we

value the relationship that america has

with your country

females a piece of petrified wood

yeah i got duped into buying a watch that

a moon watch

allegedly made from the face of

the surface of the moon

from a moon rock

really i saw one of

those i saw it was in one of those

super rich guy

magazines yeah

like it’s got ferraris on the

cover the dupont registry

you know yeah

was that where you got it from no i was in a

store that sold high end watches

tell me more what happened i’m a

watch nerd so i was like

this company

romainger jerome

how could they possibly get moon rocks

i don’t know that’s

the meaningless

i mean you know it’s a federal

crime to be in

possession of moon rock

allegedly there was one

point in time

where they had

auctioned off a

piece of moon rock

and they just grounded down and made

watches out

of it this company

took it and made the inside face of the watch

oh really just like a little thin

layer of it

and then they made it to

shape like the moon and

and then i and that same company got a

piece of the

titanic that was auctioned off

and and they made the bezel of the

watch with a

piece of the iron from the

titanic wow

that one’s more

believable for

that’s totally believable

well i mean i

guess they did

bring back no matter what even with unmanned

spacecrafts the russians brought back

a bunch of moon dust

you know not a

bunch like enough to make 100

000 fucking

watches but

there’s enough to

study you know

the whole subject

is such a controversial subject because it’s

one of the very few subjects

where people immediately

think you are fucking crazy

if you even

think about it

yeah and that’s a

weird thing

whenever you get a subject that’s like that

where if you if you even consider it

if you don’t even take a

stand if you consider it you’re a

quack and a

crazy person

it’s like there are

things like that like the hollow

earth yeah there are

things like that but even the hollow

earth i’ll listen to what they have to say

it sounds completely insane

but i’ll listen to it

when i listen to my brother

i just that hurts and

would you hear

sound like a door fucking see i am

in or knocking or something

the fucking cia

bro it’s nasa

they’re coming they’re coming for you

you know and it’s one of

those things

where you a lot of people

don’t want to talk

about the subject

because if you pick a position

or if you do

agree that there’s some anomalies and there’s some

weird shit to the

photography

the photography

it looks like they’re in spotlights and

you know there’s all

these discussions about

intersecting

shadows shadows coming from different

light sources yeah that kind of

stuff i find a little corny but

it is a little corny but the spotlight shit’s not corny

it’s like yeah this guy is very

clearly under a

light source

and there’s also

photos where it looks like a guy is very

clearly filled in

like the idea of the moon is that it’s supposed to be

and it’s like

this is a really extreme contrast a lot of the

photographs

of dark and light

except when there’s astronauts involved

when they want a nice

clear shot of a guy coming out of a

lunar module meanwhile the sun is behind him he

should be in darkness

it’s a lot of

tricky shit

and a lot of

people will come up with excuses they’ll say well it

could be this

the contour of the surface of the moon

reflects light

yes it could be that

or it could be there was a dude

standing there with a big fucking

piece of aluminum foil

and he was making sure the light

fills in that

photograph cause they were doing it in the goddamn

movie studio

that’s possible too man what do you

think area 51 is for

it’s all for developing weapons

that’s what i

think i think all

those things that people keep seeing in the sky that

it’s ufo man

those are easily

could be drones

you know that to me is more likely than

aliens wanted us so badly they wanted

human fetal

tissue so badly

that they were willing to give us

fucking flying saucers

yeah like come on man i don’t believe

there’s been over 11

flying saucers of

crash that we have

possession of

really okay

really matt

could see one crashing

i could see i

could see a bunch

crashing over the course of

human history but i

think there’d be some evidence

i don’t think you’d be

able to hold that back people have stories about shit

but i don’t know if i believe him i need to talk to him

about a lot of other shit

you know you

start talking to me about ufos

i need to know what you think

about ghosts

you know i need to sit you down and you know do you

think that you can read minds do you believe in

palm reading

what about tarot cards

i’m not into that

stuff yeah but you

know i’m saying when i’m talking to a dude who believes

in ufos i need to know if you believe in chemtrails

motherfucker

i need to know

if you believe in a lot of weird shit

you know are you one of those

weird shit believing dudes

cause there’s a lot of people that just love to believe

in crazy shit they just

look forward to to be more interesting

yes it’s sexy

aliens are sexy

so so hot right now so hot bro

i mean isn’t it two thousand

twelve is sexy you know anything

crazy and unknown

bigfoot sexy

loch ness monster sexy killer

whales aren’t sexy they’re a fucking seaworld all

right it’s easy to get to

they see him all the time

but they’re just as fascinating if you didn’t know

you know if you didn’t know that an animal

existed that’s almost as intelligent as a man

that has this incredibly varied language

speaks with sound

it actually

breathes air but it lives in the middle of the ocean

and it kills fish and fucks up sharks

you’d be like whoa this is real that’s

would be way

crazier than a lot of animals that are mythical

like the loch ness

monster what was that fucking

pussy do that

piece of shit i don’t even know what that

i’ve never bought into a button

i’ve never bought into the loch ness

monster cryptozoology is a weird

field because there are

things that we have not discovered

definitely there’s that fucking gorilla that they’ve or

the chimpanzee they’ve recently discovered in the congo

a giant bondo ape is huge chimpanzee

over the last

couple of decades they figured out there really is this

giant subspecies of chimpanzee

so they can’t

yeah so now it’s like six feet tall

but they can find

things there’s a few

things that are out there like

in new guinea they

found like some

crazy fucking

frog and some

weird you know

psychedelic looking animals and if they find

weird shit in like rainforest and

in places there’s

stuff that we

still probably

haven’t seen yet but there’s not a lot

you know it’s not a lot of

stuff it’s not

it’s not like the old days

some of the old days when they discovered gorillas like

what the fuck is that

that happened man

it was like not that long ago

where they discovered gorillas like you

gotta be fucking shit me

nobody knew this europeans

man when they went to africa for the first time

do you know how fucking

crazy it must have been the

first time they discovered a gorilla

you know they’re

walking to what else is here john welders

ants the size of your hand fred

give me the machete

let’s hack through some

what the fuck is that

just a big giant silverback

comes running at you and they have to

shoot it and they fucking kill it and

put it up on ropes and shit and

carry it a big log to the village

what the fuck is this

and they’re like that is our family how to

discover that shit dude

people back then that

lived around gorillas they

weren’t writing books they didn’t write shit

didn’t even you know they didn’t have any paper

they had a religion no

did they i don’t think they even did

the people that live in the congo

what kind of religions do they have in the congo

i don’t know

people that like those people that like

you ever see the people that like hang off of trees

and catch fish

from the river with nets it’s fucking nuts

hang upside down

they just hang

with their hands and feet

they’re barefoot

these people are living like they lived

100 000 years ago

and they do that to

still to this day there’s all this

video of them too people have gone there and

even video in

black and white like way back in the 40s and the 50s

and these people

climb out on these trees

that hang over the congo over the river

and they’re

literally they fall in you’re dead man you’re fucked

and there’s all

these people and

loved ones and they’re

catching fish with nets

and they’re

just so good at it they’ve been doing it for so long

it’s like they grew up

climbing on

these trees

hanging over this raging fucking river and

scooping fish out of it

the video you

tweeted the other day

where the guy was

climbing that

tower by the way that was

fucking scary

i hate that shit

which one there’s a

video where a dude

tribes it’s like

well over a thousand feet it’s one of those

electrical towers

was it was a

radio tower

i think it was like a

radio tower

same same as that the

empire state

building is

that what it was saying that was the same yeah

something along

those lines

is insane how tall it was and this guy was free

climbing it

you know the elevator takes you up to a certain point

but once you get to a certain

point then you have to free climb

and he was free

climbing fuck while

carrying this bag that’s like

30 pounds just

hanging like

his tools tools he’s

gotta fix this fucking thing

oh this is a real and

he wasn’t doing it for fun dude

but there’s a

whole a part

where he’s climbing

where he’s outside there’s most

some part of it

it’s the freak out is he’s inside this thing

you know inside this

this structure

but eventually he gets outside the

structure he has to

climb all the way to

the top because it gets thinner and thinner and thinner

it’s just a pole with some

things that

stick off the

side that you have to grab a hold of a handle and climb

it’s such a

freak out dude

you can see 50

miles in either

way from up there i had to turn that shit off too

did they freak you out yeah i started

freaking myself out when it gets to

a certain part of heights i’m just like alright that’s

crazy heights are

scary as fuck man

heights are

scary as fuck

there’s something

about it man it just

makes your toes curl and your butthole clenches shit

and honestly

if it was the opposite like extreme depth

i would probably be the same way like if i was like

you know the same distance like underneath

the water did you see that

video the guy free diving there’s a

video that’s online now i’ll

tweet it later on

today there’s a

video of a guy free diving and

he free dive some insane amount like a hundred meters

but i was in the

ocean yeah i

guess that’s what we can do he can do

124 meters that’s like the most he’s ever done

you know how how did he

gauge that his

watch would have stopped yeah i don’t know

is he had a

moonwalk you

son of a bitch

no they can hold

their breath for like five minutes man some of

these free divers and more

five minutes six minutes

seven minutes

underwater think

about that shit fuck that

yeah why do you want to do that man

that just doesn’t seem like a

smart thing to do

all right people at home they’re making

noise yeah i hear it

ladies and gentlemen

thank you mr

russell peters why

thank you you’re

a scholar and a gentleman and a fantastic

stand up comedian

and if people want to get in

contact with you what is the best way the real russell

p on twitter that is correct

two ss two l’s

the real russell

p at twitter

and what’s your website

russellpeters com

shazam bitches

much love thank you to

the flashlight

for sponsoring the show

thank you to

brian redband

for his tactical expertise and his

human roadblock skills

thank you to to everyone

ladies and gentlemen to all you freaky bitches

february 4th mandalay bay theater

me joe diaz ari shafir

super bowl weekend

friday night it’s going down get on in

we’re gonna have a crazy party russell

peters what are you doing on february 4th weekend

i will be in toronto on february 2nd or 3rd

are you gonna be in a corporate gig

are you gonna be in vegas for the ufc weekend

that weekend yes

yes if if i uh

if i can be i will be

if my gig’s not on the same night

yeah let me tell you right now the same

night tell me

cause it’s the fifth

the fifth is ufc the fifth is ufc

and russell

peters is a big ufc fan

did you see anthony pettis fucking kick last night

did you see what happened last

night no what

am i missing you know who anthony pettis is

showtime pettis

he’s now the new wec

lightweight champion

he fought ben henderson

and it was a

crazy back and forth

fight until the

fifth round

he jumps off the size of the k

side of the cage

with his foot

kicks off the cage

and flying through the air

kicks ben henderson in the face and

knocks him down

it was the nuttiest

shit i have ever seen

in my life no no

no it went to a decision

look at that

fucking kick

ben henderson’s a bad

motherfucker it was a

great scrap

up until that

point there was a lot of back and forth action

he had henderson’s back henderson had his back

he had henderson’s back

standing up

it was real back and forth

for a while

until the last

round man pettis

really came on

strong the last

round was pet us

you know he he he

heard him a couple times with punches

but even then in that last

round henderson had pet us on his back

it was a really interesting

i can believe he had pet

his back to

it was a really interesting

fight man there is a wild scrap

anthony pet is a bad

motherfucker

but the fact that he pulled that off was just insane

the fight was a really

closely matched

fight you know i

think pettis who did i want

definitely won the decision

ben henderson’s a bad

motherfucker too didn’t he fight

for cowboy cerone

no he’s bigger he’s 155

henderson fought

cowboy sironi

that was a great fight two

great fights

in the last one he caught him with a

guillotine he’s got a tight guillotine he’s got a good

submission game

good stand up game

pettis is just a better

puncher that was one of the big

things and pettis is wilder and

the pettis had better

success at the ground too

he was able to hold onto henderson a little

bit better than henderson was able to hold onto him

close it was

good it was a fucking you know it was one of

those matches where

even though

you know yes

the decision was the correct decision like man

while it was happening it was so suspenseful because

because both

guys were so good and so much action was going on

and both guys knew that you couldn’t fuck up even for a

second cause if you did you

would get jacked

like for one guy

would make a mistake the

other guy would have his back

you know one guy

would make a mistake the other guy

would be on top

you know it was a really high paced

really exciting fight

until that last kick

that was the nuttiest

shit i have ever seen in my life

that was pretty crazy

it’s just a few

seconds to go in the last

round the superman

punch out kicks

it’s not major extent

that guy’s he’s

on another level

this is the new level

this is back you know when

hoist gracie was around and you know

if i triangled

triangle dan severn off his back and i was like this is

crazy he’s on another level

this is the next

level the next

level is dudes are jumping off the cage

and fucking kicking you and you got all

these kids that just

studied mma

their whole life they didn’t

study one or the

other well he actually

started out a taekwondo black belt

the taekwondo guys just

think there’s a couple a new guy

named john mcdesey

too fought in

toronto or in montreal rather

and he’s another taekwondo guy too he’s got

these wild ass fucking kicks

these taekwondo

guys would take

crazy chances

well most of it sucks

most of it is like

the problem with taekwondo is you

gotta keep your hands down

everybody keeps

their hands down that’s how they

fight and it’s

mostly you can only kick to the face you can’t

punch the face

so it’s a really unrealistic

style i mean that’s what i

started out as

that’s what i did a long

period in my life

but what’s good

about that is you’ve developed

crazy leg dexterity

and you developed the ability to do that

shit no you

never try to kick

my legs are terrible

you know the

only the best most effective kicks are to the legs

yeah you know like muay time yeah side

side of the knee if you want you want to take some shit

right you know i’ll

get i want to go

after we get off line i’ll tell you exactly

where to go

hook it up after he tells me

where he lives

because you can’t know you fucking

dirty freaks

all right that’s the end of the show it

should you had to end eventually and now it does

i love you bitches

i love everybody i love

brian i love

russell peters

i’m glad to have

i’m very fortunate to have such cool friends thanks sir

thank you let me

give you one

brian i don’t want to

leave you hanging

and thank you everybody

thank you for

tuning in and

we’ll see you soon

i’m healthy

i’m healthy

i’m not sick anymore so

that’s it for

this weekend we won’t have any this weekend but we’re

gonna have a

bunch next week

i got a lot of

people on tap

greg fitzsimmons contacted me we’re

gonna do one with greg fitzsimmons

we’re gonna work in

who else brian

we’re gonna try to get

brian passane

brian postane we’re

gonna work on him maybe

liza slushinger

liza slushinger

and oh nick schwartz and nick schwartz

and there’s a lot

i want us to get

birth chrysler

too so who can get him larry

we got a lot

of people bitches we got a lot of shit happen

thank you very much for all the love we love you back

see ya bye bye