strange music always
i like it so far
oh this is that band from austin
i’ve been editing this song all week remixing it
and everything for the video that’s about to hit
dude what is this band call it what is their name again
spoon spoon i bought a bunch of their shit on itunes
and all these austin people were talking shit
about them yeah
well they just say that to them it’s like
like a what was that band that cheesy band
oh nickelback nickelback it was like nickelback to them
and i’m like i don’t care this this song is badass
ladies and gentlemen joining us on the podcast is the
great russell
peters hey from
points unknown my man’s a
traveling soldier out there
making it happen
in the free world
we are sponsored as always by the flashlight
if you go to joerogane net
you ever fuck one of these things man
no feel it no one’s fucked that
you don’t have to worry that’s
that’s the the tissue there you go
now you know pat if you ever wondered
now you know
oh yeah that they’re great
i don’t you know
it’s it’s it’s very embarrassing
when you’re done but when you’re doing it it’s awesome
the fact that you’ve done this
yeah it’s just
you’re fucking you’ve hit the bottom look at you got
the rubber pussy
but but it feels great
and if you go to joe rogan dot net
and you type in the password is rogan
if you click the link and type in
the password rogan you get fifteen percent off so it’s
cheaper to beat off there you go
save some taxes kids yeah save the
taxes bitches
this is the two year anniversary for twitter for me
brian today two year
anniversary
for twitter
two years ago
i got on twitter i don’t know how long i’ve been on
i’m not even good on
i can’t even imagine being free of it
when i’m at a restaurant bro
i have to like
keep my shit together
don’t check the iphone
don’t check
the iphone yeah
right i’m sure
it’s fascinating
and i just want to know what’s happening
yeah you never know it
could be some fucking revolt in iran
some shit could be
going down right now
wikileaks as you speak
are you up on the wikileaks man do you
know i don’t
really know
what’s happening with the wikileaks is it one of
those things that you
would normally pay attention
to and you’re just
avoiding it or are you just
not out no i really just don’t know what’s happening
really you don’t know anything
about the story
i know this
leak some like
stuff but i don’t
know what he’s leaked have you ever been to wikipedia
i have been to wikipedia so at
least you’re half there that’s it
it sucks don’t
trust wikipedia because you can all
you can yeah augment
anybody’s information
sure right wouldn’t it be hilarious if
someone was just sending them some bullshit documents
and you know he thought that this was all
us military shit and it was actually just some fiction
and some of it
made up to see how much you can
manipulate the
press that’d be a good spin for him
it’s possible
you know look the
media was smart
the media was
smart yeah well the
media that can been calling him a
rapist over and over and over
again rape rape rape
on cnn there’s the
thing he didn’t
they’re not even the
women are not even calling it rape
but sweden has some of the most liberal
sexual offense laws like they have really crazy laws
and in sweden if you’re
like having sex with someone in the condom
breaks and you don’t tell the person
then it can be considered rape
oh really yeah there’s a lot of
weird shit man
if you’re you know
there’s rape by coercion
and there’s like instead of pimp game
which is what you
would call it in america
have some flavor
know how to
kick it so the girl gets confused and fucks you
which you ordinarily wouldn’t
in sweden that shit’s like a crime
like they’re making being clever to get
pussy a crime
and that is hilarious they want weak
sauce have you ever seen
watered down milk
ever seen the
pictures and the ikea
things in you by
yes they’re always very dumb looking yes
so is the guy lifting wood yeah
the last thing you want is a
culture like that
a non fucking flavorful culture
you know why
do you think nothing clever comes out of there ava
people shouldn’t be
ashamed of sex if you shouldn’t be ashamed
of sex then
you know you shouldn’t have so many fucking
crazy laws with people do dumb shit and fuck
a lot of times
when people fuck they feel bad afterwards
you know if i shouldn’t have done that i have better
morals in this
what’s wrong with me what if my family knew
well tough shit
you shouldn’t be able to cry rape
you know and a lot of people can you can just cry rape
you know there’s a lot of
feminists that
absolutely believe
that if a woman feels like
after the sex is over
that somehow or another
she was talked into this or manipulated that she
should be able to
file charges for rape
it’s like buyer’s remorse
it’s crazier than buyer’s remorse
it’s the most
ridiculous shit ever
real rape is terrible
but this is just as bad as real rape the other way
you know yeah
cause they’re raping
the man now yeah you’re raping someone of freedom for
doing something that’s natural that you want it to you
fucking skank
you dirty bitch you know you wanted that dick
they all want
it they want it it’s natural if your fucking
heart beats and you’re
young and your body moves
right you want some dick
all right i
would get in so much
trouble if i was involved in that country at
home of course you
would we all
would anybody who lives in america
anybody lives in a land of
where there’s a fucking game
going on okay
all right that’s
the reason why comedians become comedians in the first
place let’s be honest
there is a vaginal call
goddamn game
going on and there’s a
there’s a game
going on you know as far as like a
human interaction
you can’t flavor down
water down the game for sex
you know the personality game is the reason
where all art comes from
why do you think biggie
smalls was such a fucking good rapper
because he wanted
to be the man so he can get some pussy
okay he wanted to be a pimp he wanted to be a player
he wanted to be a dude at the top of a pile of money
why cause that’s how you’re
gonna get the
pussy when you’re an
ugly fuck it’s the best in your face
the best shit you got bitch
and if the best
shit you got gets you locked up for coercion
cause you were banging two
chicks at the same time you’re
gonna have a flavorless fucking country
you crazy cunts in sweden
just cause you make
good cheese don’t get crazy
that’s not the same country
right in sweden
they hold beer
very well in sweden
they hold beer they can take it and they make
cheap furniture
oh those poly
saint poly girl yeah
they’re gonna make it
cheap furniture and
strong cut by the way that
there’s not a diss
against switzerland
i was just joking
whatever if you’re from switzerland you get all uppity
he didn’t know that we don’t make the cheese
bro come on
these are jokes man we make cheese and chocolate
and i not joke
these are just jokes man
but sweden’s gotta
lighten the fuck up
but it’s weird that
they can fucking interpol warning and they’re trying to
export this guy back to sweden
from fucking london
for having sex without a condom that’s ridiculous
it’s amazing though it’s so
transparent
he had sex without a condom and that’s what
condom broke or some
crazy shit it’s like they’re not revealing
all the details but no one is saying that it’s like
he took them
you know into an
alley and pulled
their pants down and
punched him in the head and fucked up well i heard
i heard not even date rape didn’t even
claim he did i
heard the whole
thing’s bullshit anyway
the whole thing was just a
stupid thing that get him for something to to
so because of this
which he is
of course it is but it’s amazing that it’s this fucking
transparent because here’s the deal okay
one step removed
the new york times
has released all
of the shit that he’s released
so what are we
going to say now
are we going to say that well this
stuff came out and you guys knew it was top
secret so you shouldn’t look at it
and since the
journalists did look at it and then they published it
shouldn’t shouldn’t
the new york times now have to go to jail too
what who the fuck goes to jail
if this guy was just someone
who ran a site that says hey
have you got something
i’m listening
which is basically what he did
and people start sending them shit
that’s real
journalist journalism
that’s real
journalism edited
that’s the real shit that’s what we’re supposed to get
these fucking cunts
that are hiding all the shit
and talking to the government
you’re not supposed to talk to the government
you’re supposed to talk to us
what the fuck did you
learn did you
learn some crazy shit
what the fuck did you learn
what are they doing over there
why are we really there
what the fuck is what’s
going on why are all
these bees dying
here’s one of the
things that came out
the epa knew
about this fucking
toxic shit that they’ve been
spraying on corn
that kills honey bees
and they let them put it out anyway
they let them put it out anyway
because they
wanted to be able to sell more fucking corn
so they’re killing off bees
and the epa was
aware of this
we would have
never found this out if it wasn’t for wikileaks wow
dude pfizer
is bribing people in nigeria
to stop lawsuits
there’s like
these lawsuits
against them
so they’re bribing people
to go after
like politicians and make them look bad
there’s like
these memos and shit
there’s a lot of creepy shit
this is exposing so you’ve been reading a lot of the
stuff obviously
is there the fuck out when i
first heard that this guy was getting
arrested for sex without a condom i was like what is in
these fucking things
and you go in these
things and it’s like
it’s not all bad it’s not all terrible
it’s a lot of it’s a fascinating shit
like we’re finding out that
other countries like want us to do some shit about iran
like there’s a lot of people go hey these
motherfuckers
if they get bombs we got problems
like these people in
their next door neighbors and shit who are
muslim countries like um
can you guys
can you hook
this up yeah
what’s up what’s
going on here
how close are they what’s
going on you know
i mean there’s
a lot of good shit that we’re finding out
about this stuff
but the point is that
the government
the only reason
they don’t want you to know the
secrets and what they’re doing
is because they fuck up a lot
and they don’t
wanna be responsible for
their actions
and they wanna be able to hide shit and they
wanna be able to look up your fucking asshole with a
microscope because it’s easy
because if i just
wanna be able to do it i just
wanna know what the fuck’s up your asshole
and so they
wanna make it that way
so that their job is
simpler and they can’t get
fired as easy
cause they suck cock
they’re terrible at
their fucking job
cause almost
every politician is terrible
why because the reason why they got there in the
first place
because they got all
these fucking special interest
groups paying for their
multi multi
multi million dollar campaigns
they’re talking
about barack
obama’s re election campaign
one billion dollars
yeah that makes no sense
where’s that
money coming from you
motherfucker
that’s crazy
there’s no way
you should be able to
spend a billion dollars
to get a job that pays
five hundred thousand
and not have everybody go
what are you doing
what the fuck are you doing
who’s giving you this
money what happens when they give it to you
now what do you have to do for them
you what do you
do you hire them what you
gonna do we
gotta do you
gotta change laws
you gotta make it easier to dump shit into lakes
what the fuck is going on
they all suck
and that’s why they’re scared of all this information
they’re scared of all this information
it’s not to protect you that’s nonsense
protect our
citizens overseas
you don’t give a fuck
about them when you’re sending them to
un legal war zones or illegal war zones
where we shouldn’t even be there was
based on a fucking lie
you don’t care
about them then
if you don’t care
about american soldiers then
you tell me you care
about them now cause
secrets are getting out really fuck you
that’s not true i
think they’re
worried about the moon
secret getting out the moon secret
yeah was there anything like that in
these wikileaks
about them not actually
going to the moon
not yet not yet but who knows
who knows what
this guy’s got this guy’s got some fascinating shit
seems like most of it
that’s gotten out at
least to the more republic is the gossip
stuff like how
these kings have
their sluts and
stuff like that i
haven’t heard too much really
i haven’t heard that oh yeah it’s like that’s
what saturday
night live made fun of in the tmzs
focusing on is real all like these
secret lover
relationships at all
these princes and
why didn’t the
fucking bars
of this shit
yeah those people
are of it ballers
do you think
they give a fuck
do you know like the guy from abu dhabi
prince talk noon the guy who runs
he runs the abu dhabi
submission combat
championships the
world grappling
championships
and he also
like owns a
piece of the ufc
this guy is like
some super insane amount
money millionaire type character
right this guy he’s got this this
thing that they do the
ufc it’s at
it’s called ferrari
world it’s like a ferrari
fucking like
disneyland with ferrari like a ferrari theme park
with like this
crazy ass roller coaster
that motherfucker
could do anything he wants
you know like
those guys like that when you get to that
level of money man
people would be surprised
that you would find some guy who’s a prince in
saudi arabia and he’s got some hookers
he’s got some
chicks living in his mansion
he wouldn’t even know that
still there
those guys are ballers dude
did you ever hear
about that guy the salt live
brunei i’ve
heard about him flying chicks in
motherfucker
this motherfucker just goes to the
limit this what he does
he sits around
right and he
watches like
playboy magazine and
reach playboy
magazine watches tv shows
and goes i like her
i like this one right here
and then he finds out what
their agent is
and he gives them
insane amounts of money
to come to wherever he is
you know for like
brunei for just hanging out for a couple months
see what’s up i’ll give you a few million bucks
and so these
chicks cannot help it
they have to go
and there was one of them who was a
penthouse pad or something like that and she
got yeah and
she got caught with a laptop she was writing
while she was over there
and that’s how the
whole thing
came out you
know that all
these chicks who had been saying they were
going over there to do
modeling there’s
so many girls that were
modeling in brunei
and they were really just
going and getting gorilla
fucked by this prince and all his boys
all the sultan
and all his pals
they had like
their own club
they had so much
money they have
their own club
they have this gigantic
insane ballroom that’s like
the the ornate
decorations are like in incredible like
gold guild work
which is the top of the line everything
and the hottest bitches
in magazines
and tv shows
and they’re all hanging out there dancing
waiting to him to come out
in his gold underwear
and just get his
freak on with whoever the fuck he wants
you can’t you can’t hate that that’s
such a you cannot hate that you cannot hate that this
guy’s not doing anything that he shouldn’t be doing
what he’s offering them as some
he’s saying listen
you know we don’t have to call products
prostitution
i’m gonna hire you to just come hang out
just come hang out i’ll hire you to
party eventually you’re
gonna get horny
you cannot let me fuck you you know i got money son
you know super
mario brothers was all
about an italian
i just wanted to eat mushrooms with a princess
with a princess
really yeah
super super
mario brothers
no honestly i don’t
think i’ve ever played it more than once or
twice yeah i
never really got into it it’s
about this italian
plumber that just wanted to eat mushrooms and
with the princess but some douchebag
kept on taking the princess
away damn it
that’s how you pimp
these motherfuckers
eat mushrooms and hang out with a princess yeah
hey i heard you are
that’d be bad i
heard you are a dj
like you know how to dj like mix
mix looking on
tables motherfucker
could do anything he wants is russell
peters bitch
that like a main
hobby of yours
i started doing that in 85
really yeah now i
i’ve always
experimented play around you and have the ipad
app where you can try to mix and
stuff using to
make scratchmeister
yeah something like that
doesn’t work that good but
is there like a
is it easier nowadays to try to like
match beats and
stuff like that way easier now
because it’s written in a file
right in front
of you you just hit a button now and it just matches no
no you’ll have your bpms listed
right all you
gotta do is keep your your
your pitch at the same
level and you’re good to go so do you ever
throw parties
where you’re
just the dj and you’re having this huge i always
end up getting i have turntables in
every house so yeah i always make sure i
do you really like so you
throw parties at your
house and you not even i just do it for me
and then if people are there i’m like
what do you want to hear and then i just
start playing shit when
tommy lee was doing that what was that
that rockstar show that he was doing what
was it called
the rockstar
supernova or something yes
he wanted to have a
fight with kid rock
so this is like they were there really
upset at each other
and so he wanted to meet me
so yeah because my friend is one of his bodyguards
okay and my friend is this fucking gorilla
just mountain of a man you’ve met
john rollo right
so john roll
takes me backstage i meet him and this is what
tommy lee does at the end of
every show he’s got a dj setup
like he makes his own
party he just
he like he just
brings his friends over
and he fucking plugs in some turntables and just
starts just
starts mixing it up
like people who dj like even michael bisping the
fighter he still djs
am i the best being dj’s yeah
yeah i didn’t know that people
apparently people who dj just fucking love dj it must
be fun it was
my love comedy’s my career
really yeah whoa
you love djing
more than comedy
i could sit there and do it all
day isn’t that amazing see i’ve always wanted to get
addicted to it because it seems like something that’s
right down my
lane man explain it tell me what it is because
that’s shocking coming from
you know such
a successful comedian and someone who i
love stand up but djing is on another level
that makes me
want to try it
exactly it’s kind of like
mma for you
your job is comedy
but you love mma
you know what i love both
honestly i love both
i don’t have a preference like
i’m never like when i’m doing the
ufc i’m always
excited to be there i’m
never like fuck i wish i was doing comedy
you know but
when i’m doing comedy i’m
never thinking i wish i was at the
ufc well that’s the same with me
okay so you just have an
equal love for the yeah it is but you said one of those
things you can do it anytime
anywhere you don’t need people around you to do it
you don’t need
people to be totally
focused on you either you
just like there’s so
many requirements you know attention requirements for
stand up you need people to be
focused on you
the entire time and not interacting not talking to you
whereas if you’re dj and man everybody
could be just doing
their thing
yeah people just
watching but you need
nobody to talk to you then yeah
you don’t want people talking
to you right
because you get in the zone and
you’re like
can you play dancing
queen and you’re like can you fuck off you know what
would be badass
what would be badass
here’s what
would be fucking crusader here
i’m gonna describe to you guys the
greatest show of all time
russell peters
djing while joey
diaz talks on a
microphone let’s try
let’s try this little
his gizmo out
what is this thing
it’s dj mixer for the iphone
dj mixer do you do all this stuff man i can
if you go to youtube and type in my name
there’s like videos of me scratching with like
with dj q bert and stuff wow that’s awesome dude
i have a video of me and jazzy jeff djing together too
damn that’s sweet jazzy jeff
that guy is the art garfunkel
of rap music yeah this doesn’t work sucks
right a little bit jazzy jeff was
paired up with will smith
man i couldn’t hate that more yeah
that’s terrible
don’t do that
again brian throw that thing in the garbage
you might have to hit your ipad with a hammer now
i saw like an old man
these kids with their scratching that’s me
how bad is jazzy jeff
he’s pretty wish that he’s somehow another
hit that will smith height
he’s so far off
not i mean in the dj world he’s hiding i
don’t mean i don’t mean in any bad way i mean
how weird must it have been you
know art garfunkel and paul simon
most fuck is our garfunk most djs are
introverts so they
when you have two people like that and
one person they’re both involved in a team you don’t
think there’s some
weird thing when
one guy becomes will
fucking smith
well remember george michael had that
other guy in wham
yeah but that guy’s just getting
steady cock that’s all he wanted
originally if you look
at that guy
all that guy wanted was cock all day
that’s what he wanted
and so george got him
close enough
to that it’s like i’m good i’m good i got a
stockpile he’s not
even thinking
about money
i think one of the coolest things
about djing one of my good friends is his name is
keith he’s the
main editor for
south park and
every time they have a
party he always djs
their parties and
stuff but he is just like
the point where that’s
all that’s his favorite
thing that’s all he wants to do is dj and
stuff but what’s really cool is that
him mixing like i saw him mix like golden girls the
other day or something
ridiculous i like doing
crazy shit so
do you yeah do you do a lot of
crazy mashups and i
will see you now they’re called mashups
back in the day we just call them mixing right like
i took this
record and this record and came up with this mix do you
have one mash or mix that that’s your favorite go to
from back in the day i used to do a
give it all you got
by afro rican
and i would mix moments in love with it because
afro rican was like a really fast
song and the moments in love was a slow song and i
would actually have to
pitch down moments in love to get it on beat wow
that’s awesome wow
have you i’m at the
fights and i hear the dj they’re not
all they do is sit there going
fucking murder this guy on the turntables
sometimes they have djs that
when when you go to like the
fights and stuff like that will have like 15
seconds of a
great song and just
start getting into it
then it immediately
transitions
to another song like what are you even doing
when he’s trying to get an add
motherfucker he’s trying to get as much
music in in his one
minute that he’s got to play
that’s weird
though right
well because he’s like shit
otherwise i
could get anybody to just hit play
right yeah i
wanna show you what i can do in this
short amount of time be
annoying be
annoying to a drum beat
throw everything
together it’s more just
showing the
skills of the dj
instead of actually
playing a song
and every time i listen to my god my god his cuts are
lame is um dj jazzy jeff
is he’s like
he’s like the pimp dj who’s like the best dj
that’s a tough call
i think who’s that dj
kiesto guy he’s horrible i
would never put dj in
front of his name really
i want him to get
cancer but he’s
gigantic fucking
success though
right fucking terrible
man i think it’s cock cancer
this dude that i know that’s like some serious baller
character he’s like one of the friends of the fortidas
he’s like one of those
yacht characters you know just fucking yachting
around the world and shit
and he was talking
about going to see dj
ts do at new year’s that it was the
thing to do and i was like well
yes fucking that
those are people
the people that go to see him know nothing about
music or djing
is that what it is they just like this is what the hype
thing is i should probably see it but we
should state
in advance that you don’t do ecstasy
no see true
these fucking people that do
ecstasy maybe what
tiesto’s doing is hitting this
frequency that only
people who do
ecstasy can feel
who were you guys just talking
about by the way i
guess though
which the person that he has to
okay that’s who you yeah
wouldn’t even put
his name which is gigantic dj
is he makes like
super huge famous
they were telling me the guy was telling me that he
was doing a show
in front of like
50 000 people for new
years it was this insane new year show okay but let me
tell you what he does this is the
worst part about it
okay he doesn’t do shit live
it’s all pre recorded so it’s basically
you put on your
it’s like you recorded a dvd stand up
a video of you doing stand up
and you put it on you stand in
front of it and go and lip sync the fucking act oh wow
that’s my and you’re not even lip you’re not even
trying to pretend
that you’re good at it you’re just like this
when i get really
old and i just want to be so high all day that i can’t
think that’s what i’m doing a prerecord all my
standard advance
ashley simpson was a
robot and then
just go go that
might be one
a funny show and then people try to happily you
throw you off
the fucking
you just play
around you just keep
motoring through they don’t even know
you have to stop hey stop stop stop the
stop the recording
fuck dude have you played that dj game for the xbox
or the hero yeah what do you
think about that i’ve
never played it
i just don’t get it right
i guess it’s like
a guy who really plays a guitar does he really wanna
fucking play guitar
hero do you play
video games at all no
so you don’t
feel that that’s like real dj and even though it’s like
what he’s doing is just
crafting a party
right he’s putting together
in advance he
doesn’t even have to
think anymore though
it’s just like so once he gets to the live audience he
doesn’t have to
think there’s a lot of
thinking that must go on to create it
right no no
no cause you really just
it’s fucking like a hundred and
fifty bpms this
i don’t i have
never listened to it
i i pull some of that shit up
pull some of the rash
let’s i need
to hear it i need to know what the fuck i’m talking
about all of
those just got big
on them pjs
people tell me
shit about something like that and i’ve
never heard
about it before
i always feel like how did this happen what
man yep dj tiesto
t i e s t o
there he is i
guess oh but
it was a big sign i
think it was in
vegas oh about his
one of his appearances
yeah he’s there new years right
i don’t know
you know who else is like that is
david guetta guy
i’ve never heard
of him he’s the guy that produced all that shit for
black eyed peas that i got a feeling shit oh really
yeah but now he like they
they hire him to dj parties
and there’s a
video of him on youtube
where his his
shit just canceled on him like he’s playing
in the first of all
these guys are playing cds
which is even more horrible to me
you’re the final guy yeah you can’t
old school russell
peters is old
school yes and i like it
i like that idea records and shit fuck yeah so you
gotta bring
crates and shit no no no
i still use
serato which is the
software okay but i use the
turntables with it because you can control it better
oh okay still more like real
dj so you have turntables but you don’t have records
no i have the two records and that’s it
two records i have
all my records in canada
okay but i’m not
bringing them all back to la
so when you dj you dj their
mp3s or some
you’re cutting up
mp3 files wow
so you can there’s software
there’s a machine
that lets you
manipulate an
mp3 the same way you
would manipulate a record
right sort of like a virtual
thing and it takes amber
through and converts it to the test on to read it
so when you have your hands on the
wheels and the
mp3 is playing you have the same manipulation that you
would as if it was
final if you
touch it it’ll stop if you
move your hand slowly it’ll make the same slow record
noise wow now
there’s one at best buy that i always look at it’s like
500 would you recommend something like that
or there’s a
system called itch itch
which is good
serato makes that too
okay is this dj
testo that you’re playing yeah
play it let’s hear it
it reminds me of like beyond the mind’s eyes soundtrack
now just think
about yourself
blasted on two hits of
ecstasy right now
this doesn’t sound like fiesta
yeah this doesn’t sound right brian this
sounds like some gay swedish fucking pop music
right here’s desta versus diablo
yesto versus no no not a versus because now they’re
versus but it’s not really
does it mean
here all those people cheering
it just walks out it’s like you know what else
snuck up on me man juggalos
juggalos snuck
up on me exactly
you don’t know
what juggalos are you don’t know what juggalos
are exactly
juggalos are the fans of the insane
clown posse
i remember they are fucking huge
and it’s amazing man
cause it’s like
they call out family that’s like a
thing that they yell out in the crowd
it’s like a theme with them
it’s like they like
everywhere out there there’s somebody like you
and they might not be near you
but you can find
these motherfuckers
and if you could figure out how to put them together
and put them all together in one group
you know all of a
sudden you got something
and that’s what happened with the insane
clown posse
these these fucking people are lost
from all over the
world man and they
found the insane
clown posse
and juggalos
no fucking way they’re huge dude remember when they
tried beefing with eminem back in the day
well that didn’t work out well that
didn’t work
but right now they’re gigantic man and eminem can’t
leave his fucking
house right
you know there’s something
going on with
those guys okay look look what he’s doing he’s not
doing anything
this is hilarious he’s fucking dancing guys got in
front of in
front of a mixing
board yeah you guys got by the way
check out this
video it’s called tiesto vs
diplo come on
he’s just sitting there dancing to playing play like
pressing wow
look at all
those look he’s not doing a fucking
thing that’s not djing no put
your hands down and look at the fucking turntable
asshole yeah it’s like he’s just
come on yeah
he’s not doing anything
the fucking record did you didn’t
do shit yeah he’s just so he’s not doing anything no
no they do this all
night he’s dancing for you well
i like that
you want to see some fucking
queer dance like that all
night yeah well he prepared this shit man
he didn’t prepare
those people there man look at all
those people something’s
going on that they like
right okay what do we attribute it to
drug tribute
uses that on all time
it’s not just
that man if you were there and you just wanted to
dance that’s pretty fucking fun
yeah but that but
it’s just him
pressing play
whoever had a louder
nothing nothing is happening
he’s just but
look at all
those people
enjoying the fuck
out of it see something is happening there’s an awesome
noise in the but are is it a trick
brian if they actually
enjoy it is
partying it is a
trick you’re there and you’re on ecstasy
i wanna listen
they know what the cars drive by okay you
wanna be listening to shit like this you don’t wanna be
alone by yourself in that spot
where there’s nothing
going on you hear a dog barking
or do you want this guy to hook up this wild
crazy fucking light in
music show that is dope as fuck
and there’s a million other people there it’s all
sweaty together
and you all got bottled waters
and everybody
has a goddamn good time you can’t call that nothing
right it could call him
that he’s not a good dj he
might press play
my argument for him is that he’s not a dj no he’s not
he’s like a
radio station what is dj
but what is it
cause he’s making this
crazy ass music
that everybody
looks sort of fucking
diabolical genius whose master
is he’s the carlos
of soulless people that have
no fucking spine your
problem is not with his
music it’s more with how he does it
no it’s the fact that people call him a dj and they’re
like the best dj
and i’m like
he’s not a dj so it’s like calling an actor a
stand up or a comic a
comic that just
steals other people’s jokes a
comic you know
right okay well
you are an actor that plays a comic in a
movie yeah and he’s such a good comedian yeah
well you hear that all the time
about actors
you know that he’s a comedian you’re like i
guess i guess he’s a comedian sort of
you know the guy who
studied a role to be a comedian
yeah man we
all know who the comedians are i mean everybody
isn’t that one
question that you’ll always ask when you hear
about a guy’s
funny like did he do stand up
yeah that’s
exactly what i asked
right like seth rogen
one of the first
things someone said to me
when i said god that fucking dude is
funny i love his
movies this guy goes you know he used to be stand up
like immediately like
comics want to tell you that like he’s like
he’s like for real he’s a real comedian he’s not
so that’s what bugs you
yeah that he’s a fake dj
yeah motherfucker it’s
making that music then
he here’s the
thing when you get that much
success and that much money
all you got to do is
everybody’s
gonna be handing you
their fucking demo
right and you go here’s ten
bucks oh my god he has
to about my song
thank you thank you thank you
now i’ll just compile it onto a disc
and really yeah
so he just takes
other people shit and puts it on
this why not what’s stopping him he’s actually i don’t
know i mean is that really what he does or he just i
don’t know i’m
guessing this is
clearly notice
he’s the joe rogan
experiences not support
these unfound
clean fight me if that’s the case
holy shit a dj battle
just called out
for in dj fight
or a fight fight both
yeah you don’t
while you’re djing you have to
fight i am so passionate
about it wow
where’s this
tiesto fellow from
i don’t know looks like
the gate suite
somewhere in fucking europe
the case what’s
what were we talking about
earlier that
might be the name of a town gay
switch look
how is a dj
you’re walking
walking around
pointing a finger dj you’re fucking
focused and your
dj yeah that’s that’s walking around and clapping oh
when did this become
i’m entertaining it’s not even
entertaining ah
i like the way he moves i wish you
never would have
showed me this this is the most
awful thing
i’ve ever been
punch him in the face
you guys are haters
i like the way that
young man gyrates his hips yeah
he’s not even
giving it that much
he’s not he’s doing it like some
stiff european move it’s like john
tesch of dj it’s like a saturday night
live sketch he’s exactly the kind of guy that would
that wears at a hardy and fucking
lost her religion
saturday night live
should do a
sketch about a dj like that just fucking
stands on stage
wow it might be a fun
sketch that sketch
would be just as
impressive as
watching him do it
that might be a
funny sketch man
what why is he there why don’t you just
press play and get out of there
fucking terrible
you know it hurts
my feelings it hurts my feelings you fuck
when i know like some of the best djs in the world
like that are my good friends
and to me and not even just to me they really are
the most talented guys
you’ll ever see on turntable do you when you get on
stage okay and you
start your show do you have a
planned out dj set
or do you just let the shit flow
no like a real
comic you get on and you do what works for that room
right just move
a real dj you
can do that
right yeah and
these other little fuckin
it is kind of like it’s a performance
thing it’s kind of like you know it’s a
tuning in thing you
right focus
on what they’re
into and then go with them with from there
yeah i mean obviously
those people are there because they want to hear the
horse shit that he’s playing
right right right but
you know he’s not really fucking doing anything but
that they couldn’t do themselves
right they could have
stayed with
your iphone you
could probably make
those same songs
on your iphone yeah i used to work in factories
and both arguments though
i used to work in factories
and and when the
machines were
going it would
sound exactly the same
worked in a printing press
the fucking same noise do do do do
yeah every time
it’s cutting the paper
yeah that could
it’s not good if you’re trying to read something
maybe we’re too old for this shit maybe
yeah dude i say that every day now
every day i’m like my father or something i’m some
some i really am becoming that i i
everything i thought i
would never be really what happens and
you know when you have kids
that’s that’s exactly how it goes down it’s like oh
i get why everybody is just grumpy and wants to be left
alone you know
that’s what it is
you naturally
you’re just getting old you’re
tired of this nonsense like if
you want to hear like really talented djs go to djs
spinbad com dj spinbad
phenomenal okay
starting from scratch dj
sfs podcast on
sfspodcast com
i appreciate that when i’m when i’m at
like a you know
club in vegas
or something like that and one guy just hits the the
right songs over and over and over
again just gets a good mood going
yeah i know when to
expect it like i know if i go to
vegas and i go to a club
i’m gonna hear the shit that you hear on the
radio that i
don’t like but everybody’s having a good time
so i don’t mind that
right okay i know i’m not there
for me i’m there because you know everybody else is
how does a dj get to a
point where he can sell concerts that’s
how does that go down
i have no clue how
that works well that girl talk guy is pretty popular
he just mashes up
other people he’s the
worst too because
he has this program that he uses
where he doesn’t even have to do shit dude that
every now and then though
some songs like
when they’re mashed up it’s like oh it’s different
but every now and then
there’s one songs
like wow this is better than the original and that
one he had the on and on with biggie
yeah dude he’s got play that
start start the beginning
did you ever get
blue eyes meets bed stay
no that was
frank sinatra
mixed with biggie
how was it incredible
what’s it called what’s
going to bedtime
bedtime on it on
dude i heard
frank’s not
sure with a cunt i don’t like him anymore
you should take that
picture read all the shit i know it should
that’s johnny
cash bro another one in here oh and now in the hallway
although the one when he’s in
mugshot yeah
mugshot i just read all the stuff
about what an asshole used to be
i was like wow
it’s kinda i kind of used to
think it was kind of cool to like
frank sinatra because he was like one of
those cool old guy things
you know he was in the rat pack
then you read
about like his behavior like i used to
treat people doing
this guy seems like a shithead
right he was a
we was kind of a thug
right yeah i don’t
know was he mafia
to people who
were shitheads was he mobbed up i mean i know he
was in with the mob of was he mob
this one no on and on
girl talk on and on
girl talk any man that calls himself girl talk
he likes likes girls so do i talk about girls
but you know this is it turn this up
come on
come on son
i think you
like it because sunshine in my life is in the
background i do
perfect mashup man
you know what it is it’s sunshine in my life
and let the beat hit him by lisa lisa oh it is
the beat is wow
wow i go to
never pick that up that’s to me is alien that’s
you you figured that out wow that’s crazy where is that
i can’t see it man i’m
using to let the beat hit him by lisa lisa
lisa that’s crazy you can see
you heard that song before
or you just picked it up i can hear it right away wow
see that’s a real dj nerds dude
wow that’s really
impressive dude to me this is like a language i don’t
understand hey watch here you go
see now i don’t like the song it
shifts somewhere in the middle i don’t like it anymore
now this is the house version this is the wrong version
god damn it
the house version try that one
in order to play there it is
watch you must tune your base to our lookout
i have no idea what you talked about
oh you’re going off this the thump will be broke
oh shit i don’t even hear there’s a
break in it coming up watch
i’ll show you exactly where he took it from right here
oh
this sequence is repeated
wow dude you should work for the government
you should work for the fucking cia man
here it is
holy shit face
all right let’s go back to the
other song go to the other song
whoa that’s freaky i can hear it now
dude you just impressed the fuck out of me
that was awesome
that was some amazing shit dude
how did you do that so cool i’m a
music nerd with this shit dude that was the
coolest fucking thing
wow that was like
you just deciphered some fucking mayan
hieroglyphs joe and that’s why i
think we need to both buy dj
tables and start practicing going to
use record stores and trying to find cool
i got kids i don’t have any fucking time
anytime you come to la you come to my house yeah
throw down it just looks so fun i can’t get
into anything else
there’s not
enough time in the day for all the shit that i
enjoy doing right now
that gets you hurts you and gets you
know diseases
no how often
you train all the time
yeah i’m sick
right now i
got sick when i was in montreal i’ve been able to
train all week instead of watching
eight documentaries a day you take two out and take
those four hours and put it towards you don’t
understand me
you don’t understand me i’m not a
normal person i’m an obsessive i have issues i okay i’m
managing my issues
and my issues
is i can’t get into anything
was that where are you training
it i don’t want to help you
i mean curse
i want to hug my because the curve
take those fat bitches down
choke the shit out of them
i’ve been sick
all week man what’s that
shit got through my phone
your phone’s ringing
brian really this is like podcast number
seven hundred and
fifty and look
what kind of game i got mastermind hitting me
one of my one of my
good friends
who was a phenomenal dj back and then he retired and
and he hit me with a text saying
you’re a traditional
dj hard to explain the passion in that nowadays
no it’s not hard you explained it very well
i don’t think it was hard at all
i get i totally get
what you’re saying what that guy does is a different
thing than when you do
but what i’m saying is
that he’s providing something that all
these people
enjoy the fuck out yeah that i’m not mad at
i’m just mad about
that dj it’s not even
the people that are like he’s the best dj i’m like
not a fucking dj
how dare someone call my mom is calling you now
how dare you why is my mom calling you
my voicemail is not set up unfortunately
it’s fucking sussman
sandra sandra
i have to answer unfortunately
ladies and gentlemen
so
um have you ever djed underwater
you should do that it was that time i
electrocuted myself
that’s funny
my dad just got me one of
these things
for christmas he just sends me a box of miscellaneous
things and it’s always tools and
stuff and it looks like a pin
and it’s to detect if there’s any electricity
in something so like if you want to know like you’re
changing an outlet
you want to know if it’s
dead or not if it’s
still hot or not it goes
and i’m like
thinking wow that’s kind of cool but then i’m
thinking wait
i’ve never ever
changed or needed this ever in my life
so now i’m just like
harry potter walking around the
house going
you know what i love dude i’ve got a stud finder
want to hang things up
and you move it
along and also in a little
i did carpentry i worked as a carpentry
assistant when i was
a kid i did a lot of construction
labor and construction sites
you know a lot of it was hammer and
nails and shit like that but
you used to have to tap on
things and listen to the sound of
where the studs were you had to try to figure it out
you always go away
using your ears
and then you
would find it
and then you’d find it you’d measure off 16 inches
which is really accurate by the way
was there ever a need to go past just
knocking yes
cause this thing is dope as fuck
because you may
catch the corner
of the stud
right but you
see now you can
catch the center of the yeah
now you get
the center i mean look i kind of get the idea that
hey we’re losing all this
you know this these
skills that we used to have but
kind of fucking
skills of those man we’ve got better ways of making
houses now which is
great those
skills are now moving on to actual
jobs like pretty soon that person that used to
check you in at mcdonald’s is
gonna be gone because it’s a
oh yeah it’s
gonna be a robot
is a stud finder now
for sure but i
can’t reason with a
robot though
so you need
human reasoning involved
right yes you need human
certainly we’re
gonna run out of
human jobs it’s
gonna be a weird
thing i mean people
worried about jobs
going overseas
got to worry
about jobs going to robots
you know that’s the real fear for a lot of
like a lot of dumb job
robots that’s gonna
terrible indian
robots will kick ass
you know i used
to be i used to work
for a company that i was one of the only americans of
40 employees all indian
right off the boat or airplane
sorry i can
say that we
accept that
but you know
what you mean but
none of them
spoke english and my job was to
teach them to be american
so that all they had to do is just be around me
and like i would sometimes
tell him to
do something here and there but mostly i felt it was
right after 9 11 too and i was like
wow why are all
these people here i don’t
they’re indian but you get
indians that didn’t
speak english they’re
generally of highly
i mean they did but very hard
the biggest problem was is that a lot of them didn’t
wear deodorant
and unfortunately
unfortunately
this room was like
40 of us in this room and i was like in this didn’t you
tell me that you
dated a chick once that didn’t wear deodorant
oh yeah yeah
oh my god i’ve done that
so awful hello
little esther
but what the fuck did you just do
anyways i had to go because it got so bad
because this room was so packed with so many employees
and it just
smelled so bad i had to go to like
the president and the company like sir may i please
speak to you for a
second and like hey you know this one guy and
in general just really
smells really bad like it is offensive
really fuck
i know it was but but
i didn’t know what to do i couldn’t work
anymore when it was just
smell like a big bo
armpit you know
every day it got bad
and so i finally had to
break in and tell him
and i felt so bad he was very
understanding and
the next day the guy comes in like a full suit and tie
hair comes and
goes how do i
smell now and i’m like i’m sorry
you know i felt
such a stunt
first of all that guy
that guy’s an
idiot because he went
right to him and told him that you said it that guy
sucks no what the president
invited in is a wiki leaker the
weirdest thing
the weirdest
thing about this company is i
never understood what
that we were actually doing though
any of them
none of them had jobs but yet it was like
i didn’t know if we were like hiding people did like
you know distribute
indians throughout the united
states or something
but i had no was the name of the company you were
software software friends
and it or something like that and they made
weird things like instead of ebay it was called like e
buy you know and then but you
go to the website
knockoff website yeah it was just
knock off tons of
knockoff website
off with fucking imported
slave labor and there was no
like work being made
i need information
they be like goggle it like like i was like
there was no work like there was no
there was no real
i just source of
there was no company to this
thing it was just like what whoa it was like a fake
software company and i was supposed to be like the lead
programmer designer and i like made one website what
was your email for them
something software friends
or something like that i wonder how many dudes are
burning made off in it somewhere in yahoo
yeah exactly yahoo
i wonder how
many people who run businesses are like bernie
madoff in it
i wonder how many people
are out there just fucking totally scamming people
right it had to be a scam of some
sort and it was
funny because it
wasn’t saying terrorism
it was two months
after 9 11 i got this job or something like that and
the whole time i’m thinking
something’s not
right here with this united
states this company
right here there’s something
going on here and it’s almost being
extra paranoid
america go america we
gotta get these terrorists and stuff
and this seemed like
the weirdest
thing ever don’t tell this to alex jones
we’ll have some fucking reason
behind it yeah what
state was this in
columbus ohio
that’ll do it
henderson road
wow it’s still there it actually
changed the name is
for friends but home of buster douglas crazy man
hey by the way
since we’re on it
right i think you
should punch up
biggie and sinatra
big yeah i think joe would really like
i think you
guys are both like this what was the name of the mix
would you say it was called
like going to be
like going to the off garden in the ghetto
there you go try that one
you might like this
oh that’s what i wanted to talk
about this guy we were talking
about scams
there was a guy named
you know what gambala is the porsche
modification company okay have you heard of him before
they’re like really
famous because they take like these
crazy cars like carrera gt
like a 400 000 car
and they take it
and they make this extreme mod when they make the
body kit look different and put like insane amounts of
horsepower on it
this guy was
crazy and he’s like
did the wild shit the cars
one thousand
horsepower six
hundred fifty
horsepower twin
turbos and shit
and apparently he was like ripping people off left and
right and he went on a trip
and someone
picked him up it was like a business trip someone
picked him up at the airport and just jacked him
they just fucking handcuffed him and shot
him in the back of the head they made him call his wife
and try to get him to
send money send a million euros
and the guy only
spoke english so he made his
he called his
wife in english he’s talking to his family in english
so they knew something was wrong
you know because he
speaks german
so then god just disappears
nobody knows
where the fuck he went
nothing no one knows what happened and then
months months
later they find
his it’s always dangerous to rob rich people
because they’re always a little crazier
about their
money yeah a crazy
story though man
this guy was
just trying to fuck everybody just you know just
we like you had one car and
three people at a paid for it you know it sold to
three people who’s making it the same card you know
it was just
gonna fuck them
you know and i
guess he did it to the wrong dude
or something
probably some russian dude crazy man
people get nutty when it comes to money man
i don’t have to tell you that right
yeah i mean i’ve
never been money driven so i’m
kind of happy about that
that’s the best
way to do the
things i do the
things i love to do that’s why i like
yeah you’re our laid back dude man you know
especially for a guy who’s
successful as you are as far as like you know
same with you stand up
yeah but it’s rare
right there’s not a lot of us yeah a lot of people you
would think oh that person’s
gonna be a little
douchey yeah
it’s the most
disappointing
thing when they are right
yeah you’re always like
but it’s one of the coolest
things when
they aren’t you know when someone has gone through some
i was you know what
saturday was the
first time i met dana
oh really and he was really fucking cool
he’s so down the
earth man i thought he was gonna be a
no not at all man and then i was like
i was like wow
he didn’t like you know just meet me and walk away was
he was engaging and he was very
cool and i was like fuck that he’s in the moment for
real yeah it’s a real business you know
yes you can’t be running the business i was
i was very pleasantly surprised by
my nose is stuffy i’m
gonna have to blow it to the much to
the area like this
already joe
i like that all
right so everybody in the house
give a warm
round of applause
for the notorious
beat i see notorious
brt ladies and gentlemen give it up for y’all
it was all a dream i used to read magazine
you dig that’s awesome
biggie was the best
my favorite of
all time so
special man
it’s not that many dudes that just had
every fucking
rhyme just had
that certain beat that made your head move yeah
there’s a lot of guys that i like
their lyrics it’s good i see what you’re doing
i like it yeah it’s good but he’s the only guy you
could take his
acapellas and put it over any beat and it
sounds like yeah
he knew that beat was playing yeah
yeah amazing
i like that
but i am sick of that song so do you do shows
where you dj
do you i mean now that you’re a
famous comedian do you ever do that like just no
i have two djs on
stage with me when
i’m performing oh you do wow really i have dj spinbad
and starting from scratch
that’s awesome that’s badass and then
they play on four turntables
and one plays instrumentals and one
plays acapellas and they’re fucking incredible and how
do you do that you have them do it before the show they
do it before
the show as the warm up
right and then i have a
comic come out and then
that is badass and they play and then they
play the audience
out on the way out because they’re bigger
venues right so
right that’s
awesome man what is the comedy seen in canada like
right now is there a lot of come
from toronto
i’m from toronto
i’m excited
about april
buddy yeah it’s
gonna be crazy coming
all over the
place what you
started off in canada though
was it in toronto was it 9
was it hard to
start off in canada or
if you’re 19 and you don’t know what you know
have nothing to
compare it to
right right
but there’s a good
scene in canada
right as far
especially toronto
right toronto is
a real good comedy
scene vancouver does as well
right yeah i
think all of canada
i mean they’re always little gems come out of all
these little pockets in canada
and we have to work harder because the audiences
are a little more
stiff out there really
they’re very loving
and they and they and they love you to
death but you
still gotta earn
their laughs
really i find that in canada
it’s almost more of a
look we’ve paid
money you better be fucking good
wow maybe charge it
too and they stare at you
no i’m talking back in the club days
that’s funny yeah when you
starting out man it’s
when there’s a huge difference between people
that come out to see you when they know who you are
yeah and someone is just coming to a
comedy show you get a little leeway then you know yeah
you can do a little
jokes that you would
never have done before
yeah and you know that they like your
sense of humor too
you know when someone
doesn’t know your
sense of humor and
doesn’t know how you
think and then they come to a show
and it’s like
you know when you
first start out they’re just coming to see
it’s like no one ever goes to a club that says live
music and you’re
dressed goth hoping
that that’s what you get
you know what i mean
but with comedy man
there’s a lot of people that come to a comedy show
they don’t know what the fuck they’re getting they get
barry manilow
or guns n roses they don’t know what they’re getting
that’s true
it’s tricky it’s the surprise
bag of comedy yeah totally that’s why when someone
you know it’s like
this weird music on the internet you know it’s like you
gotta find what
you like and just there’s one i got this one
you know it’s true
and then that’s that becomes
a problem in some areas when one guy has one successful
style of performing
and then you see all the people around him sort of like
mimic it and
morph into it like
a david tell type thing like
david tell has this so specific way of talking yeah
he’s very catchy
i love dave
fucking awesome
he’s a great guy
he made like a billion
babies oh billion
clones oh yeah
i think they
did that too
right yes make sure
it came out with this
fresh style
yeah you’re a lot of guys
sounding like so like it because it was so fun to do
i’m cracking the coconut water you
motherfucker get
another one
oh c2o coconut
water sent me a
bunch of this shit i
never heard
about us talking
about oh i gotta
get you some dank
so thank you very much my friends
c2o coconut
water is the shit if you’ve
never had it before i’ve become addicted to this stuff
and people giving me shit
about getting sick like hey joe what
about your probiotics man
i haven’t been sick in
three years the first time i’ve been sick
but coincidentally
here’s my fucking conspiracy theory
i slacked off on the
acetoplas that was my fault
but what i didn’t
slack off on was the kombucha i was
drinking a lot of kombucha but
gts kombucha
they got kicked off the shelves
they were in the shelves of
whole foods they got kicked
off because they had more than one half of 1 alcohol
because the mushroom ferments when it’s inside those
things and if
it stays in the
the crates for too long or if it
doesn’t get cold enough it
continues to ferment and it gets
stronger and stronger
so it gets over one half of 1 but
whatever the fuck they did
to keep it from
fermenting when it’s sitting in the cases they
watered down the flavor it’s like really
watery it’s a totally different flavor
and it doesn’t feel the same it
doesn’t feel like it has the same
health benefits either
so i think i’m eating dead kombucha i
think i’m drinking
some funk shit sons
of bitches those
motherfuckers
that’s why you’re
sick now because you’ve been licking toilets
cabambos i don’t lick em bro
i don’t lick em but i do sit on em i don’t really
think twice
figure what the fuck it’s gonna
you don’t even put the
paper down yeah
wipe them off wow
i still have not broken that
level of i think that’s all
crazy psychological shit
thinking you get home you take a shower you’re
gonna be okay
really yeah
i think so hmm
i always pee on the seat when i
leave just piss all over it to
leave my mark
let him know you were there no
no i don’t do that
i always clean the seat if i piss on it don’t you no i
tried to except
for if i have
multivitamin p that my
there’s only so much of this
multivitamin p’s
give you away man but people know you’re healthy
they see your pain they know it’s yours
said that fluorescent
orange shit splattered all over the scene
like look you
you healthy lazy
looks like you’re
in fuck lava lamp when i piss
yeah someone else peeing on you is not good um
it’s just as a general rule
i’m reading people’s tweets whilst i’m talking to you
that’s always a bad move
is it because those motherfuckers want attention
it’s true to start going off on you
they’re saying props for me for calling
otsd on being a fake ass dj wow
that’s cool well when you
start a fight with anybody i’ve
found in this world
that when you start a fight with anybody there’s always
gonna be a bunch of people that want to join in
it doesn’t matter even if you’re right
it’s like there’s always a side there’s
you could be totally
wrong and there’s always gonna be a but like
i got a million fucking people
you know that that were mad at me for the
whole carlsman seeing
thing that didn’t see it for the way i saw it
if there’s always gonna be people who are idiots
you know there’s always gonna be people who don’t
agree with you
but there’s always also
going to be people that just want to fight about shit
so if you know if you’re going after dj ts
they’re like yeah fuck them i hope
fucking car full of aids runs into him
people just will
start getting
angry man if you if you fucking hate somebody they get
mad they’re like too i got duped into liking him so
fuck you and
like bond with you dude
thank god you fucking said that
that guy can suck a fucking million rancid dicks
whoa bro i don’t think it’s dj
ts so that’s the problem
i think we need to sit down
i need to find out
where your angers coming from need to get a group hug
so how check this out you know you
heard about
miley cyrus doing salvia and
everything like that right imagine
this something happened to me with you joe recently
and i realized how easy
this is so this is
a tip if you have an iphone alright everyone tip iphone
if you have an iphone
and you plug it into somebody’s laptop to charge it
and if it’s not locked meaning like if you’re
using it checking your text messages
while you’re
charging on somebody’s laptop
they open i
photo they can take
all your photos all your
videos off your computer
i did that to you yeah i know off your computer without
you even knowing it yes and so
that is a perfect example like
miley cyrus oh my friend took a
photo or a video
you know i’m
gonna use your laptop to charge
bam you got all of
miley cyrus’s
video salvia
so that’s a tip if you’re ever
plugging in your ipod or iphone into a laptop
just make sure you’re
checking them and if
you’re still
plugging in your
phone that way
to charge it you’re a fucking retard well you know
you’re at somebody’s
house like hey do you have a
charger oh you can plug it into my laptop
you know yeah i mean that does charge it up right
does it charge it up as
fast though yeah i mean is a usb port of i don’t trust
that way yeah i just
feel like you know what i’ll just miss some calls right
wow in the car
that’s confident in old school
i don’t need this
yeah i could put this down
do you what
do you ever gets a
sense if you
leave your phone at home you ever do that
and i got a little
freaked out
yeah what’s up with that i have nothing to hide in that
phone but i get
freaked out
yeah i don’t want people answering my goddamn calls
and i don’t want to be
disconnected either it’s true
i will turn around and go home yeah
most of the time unless i
if i’m on my way out the door to a flight
and i was halfway to the airport and i knew i
would missed a flight if i turned around
i might have to turn around yeah
well if i’m leaving town fucking i’m missing
a flight what am i
gonna do i’m
gonna fucking not have my
phone i’m gonna be in
cincinnati with no phone
what the fuck
and then i gotta wait for somebody to fedex it to me
yeah or i’m
gonna go to 7 eleven and buy some
phone there
yeah but you don’t know anybody’s
phone numbers anymore i don’t know anyone’s
phone numbers
well you do if you have mobile me service
then you just go online and you have your contacts
yeah well that’s
a lot of people
should have an iphone by now no
no what do you want
well i use a
blackberry from a main phone
because i like the
whole software better
i like it’s not as good for sure
it gets stuck sometimes
sometimes it gets
weirded out
sometimes it rocks
shows up yeah
i have one yeah sometimes it reboots out of nowhere but
when you’re
using it but when you’re
using it like
to answer emails or to answer
phone calls or to forward texts or to do anything
for twittering to yeah i don’t
like it for twittering i like iphones better i think
what i like iphone 4 i
think it’s a
great internet device
but the phone is dog shit
the phone like servicing in
america with at amp
t is so fucking
bad at amp t’s horrible dude i
can’t do it
so i need verizon
and i need a
phone that’s
gonna work when i’m on the road
and i’m in other
countries too so i need
january iphone most likely
and then hopefully i pretty soon
yeah verizon
and pretty soon i would
don’t think
blackberry is
gonna last much longer i
think they’re just
gonna become
an app on an iphone soon
yeah you’re
gonna have your
blackberry app so you can get used to the way the
blackberry operating
system is but i don’t hear
blackberry lasting
apple friendly
no no no i mean i’m talking
about android
and fucking iphones that shit’s
destroying all the
other guys look at pom pom i don’t
think you’re
right and i
think blackberry
still has a
percentage of the market
blackberry owns the business
world yeah yeah
until it’s windows you
would think that it
would die off but it
never will right
remember when you were
using it first
way yeah when you
first got into
mac and you’re like my god this is so much better
why would anybody have
viruses and
registry hacks and bullshit and fucking
pop up windows that eat all your computer up
bet you know from
using the blackberry how fucking
annoying blackberries are
no no it’s a
new first of all the new operating system you
haven’t used it in a long time i used the new one
what’s this the torch
not the torch
i haven’t used the
torch what’s that for but i have a new
curve the one with the flat
trackpad yeah there’s
never a ball has a trackpad
i like it man
the torch is like an iphone and a
blackberry combined so it’s like the
touch it’s all
touchscreen but like if i just had it it’s
got one device
i might have
to go to the iphone if i call
on one device
bail mobility in canada gave it to me
if i could only
have that’s
canadian that’s why i don’t know what this is
if i had to use
badass actually
no you don’t know
about the torch
that’s the new one no
the last thing i saw that was a
touchscreen was the
storm 2 which was a
piece of shit
yeah that was a
piece of shit
if i had to use only one
phone i would pick the iphone but
to use two is better
because this
way you don’t eat up your battery on your main
phone cause i like to fuck around with the iphone
you gotta get in those
morphy packs man
those are gross
man i wanna
carry some extra ass battery some girl i had it the
other day i saw and i played with it it’s
not bad you’d get used to it sure it sucks this giant
brick that you
stick on the battery is not
as bad as it used to be
which one the new iphone
the iphone 4 the
piggyback battery
yeah well it’s kind of
built into the case so it looks
yeah that one
was the one that was a fucking
car battery no
this one’s morphe
juice we’re
going back to
the old days when you had a suitcase for a fucking cell
phone that’s we’re
gonna go back to
we’re gonna go back to you you’re
gonna need so much
power to do what you need your cell
phone to do
cause the cell
phone’s processor is
gonna so far exceed battery life you’re
gonna be walking around with like a suitcase nuke
like a fucking a
giant ass battery
that’s like a car battery on a handle
that’s gonna be attached to your
phone your phone’s
gonna be able to time travel
that’s what’s
gonna happen
russell my assistant has the evo
oh yeah that
giant fucking phone
super battery killer
the one with
the kickstand
oh my god we’ve
been making fun of him for that one forever
pretty weird huh
yeah it looks like
your imac yeah your imac
but it’s cool if you want to watch a
movie on your phone
yeah but it won’t
last my input
yeah his battery sucks yeah the battery so horrible now
he has this
giant fucking
battery it looks like he’s walking on with this
thing yeah that’s what i’m talking
about that’s what we’re
going to it’s
right we’re
going to a retard battery
that’s actually it’s
connected to the wall
and it sends a wireless signal out to your
phone and keeps it charged
i think projectors are
gonna become a lot bigger in the future
where they’re
gonna be so bright and
powerful coming from your little
phone that you
could actually just make your own
screen anywhere
so you’re gonna have like a
razor phone
with like the xbox
kinect style
projection wherever you want to so if
nikola tesla if they had just listened to him
and just let him
work as magic
we would all have wireless electricity now
and then we
wouldn’t have any of
these battery issues
there’d be electricity in the air oh that’s
yeah i know but
that’s like
nuts but you seen that new
application that was
just released called something like what was it called
joe the c word application word c
or something like that
where you just
point your word
i’ll check it out you
point your phone at
anything like
say like you’re
overseas and there’s like some writing on the wall
that you can’t
understand it’s in a different language
just point your
phone at it and it looks like a camera
but it translates it and puts it into this
whatever you’re looking at
is that like it’s almost like urban
spoon yeah what
you just point your
phone oh yeah direction and it tells you
where a restaurant is
right right exactly this
just this instant
translates anything so pretty cool yeah
it detects the
translation and changes here
it is it’s called
word lens word lens
really pretty fucking crazy
it’s you look at
it like through the camera and the camera reads it and
translates it on the screen
it’s ridiculous
it’s a free app
no i think it’s like yeah it’s
free oh they have language packs that cost
like if you want a different language it’s like five
bucks oh that makes
sense that’s
smart by the
way by the way
if you are playing
video games on your ipad or iphone
right now ea
all their games for 99 cents
a lot of these games are like 12
for your ipad or iphone or 99 cents
right now so
really for how long yeah
till through christmas
and they have like simcity
deluxe and like madden
which is like
13 dollars usually on the ipad it’s 99 cents
right now so jump on that
so what is this like a
promotion yeah
ea christmas sale
oh wow so a lot of
these games
i downloaded like five games last
night and it cost me 5 and they
normally cost me like
fifty or something
what is a game cost like if you go to buy like
call of duty or something like that what do they call
for like xbox and stuff like
anywhere from four
fifty nine to
sixty nine new
shit me yeah
god they used to be what like
thirty nine
yeah but i’m thinking
about back in the day when i was a kid
fucking atari games
i never was really an
atari kid i
never had it but i remember them
yeah my parents bought me the bootleg
system was called the
one from sears
gemini and played fucking
atari games yeah yeah
yeah even back then like
like how many people like talk
about teams that people get on how many people are like
sony playstation or
xbox three and they like
argue back and forth and the playstation sucks and
fucking well back in the day it was
atari versus coleco vision yeah it’s always
end up versus sega
there has to
be competition
or it would suck
it’s not just there has to be competition
it’s everyone has to pick a fucking side and
stick with it
yeah you know
nobody can go
this is better on yours but this is better on mine yeah
nobody’s like that reasonable
no everybody wants to be with the
right cell phone
carrier too you ever noticed that
yeah you know it’s like you were verizon
right yeah fucking verizon’s a shit
right all these
idiots out there in at amp
t what the fuck are you doing
like they like
wanna join you in on some fucking verizon
clan you like
sprint are you with
sprint sprint’s good yeah we’re
sprint we’re
sprint bros crickets the best
cricket you’re
gonna get cricket you’re
gonna lie dude
there was a bunch of
those little companies right
you know bugs me the most
those metro pcs fucking commercials oh yeah
yeah the most
racist commercials in the history of
racist commercials
yeah what the fuck man so many if i ever meet
those indian boys i’m slapping them in their face
trying to wake them up what the fuck is that
wake them up what the fuck are you doing dude they
said commercial
play it oh you’ve
never seen the metro
i have seen it but i
think people
should know metro
pieces are hard
they are here
they are horrible
yeah people in canada don’t know them i don’t
think boost mobile ones are brutal too
remember the
boost mobile ones
where dudes
would be like
where you at
oh yeah yeah
that was the question
greetings this is tech and talk
where we give you the download
on the techno
hi and spicy news whoa
sweet holy moly
metro pcs is offering unlimited talk text
in web for just
forty dollars a
month with all
taxes fees included
yeah telecom
miracle if this can be true chad
maybe your career and
dance isn’t yet doomed
okay but this is obviously on your comma
limited nationwide well
there’s like a couple of them that are okay little
this drives you nuts
yeah but if you made
those characters on
stage it wouldn’t
drive anybody nuts because
the same it’s
a parody they’re not actually used to sell any
this is like
one time is fine you know i mean like that i
understand that they’re selling
something but they’re selling something with comedy
right they’re trying to be
funny there that’s that’s not
it’s such a poor attempt it bothers me i get that
and the fact that like
these guys don’t ever win the
like i’m always
about the underdog
so those would be the
underdogs in the commercial
right i think it
would be funnier
if they won like whatever it is there
the joke is right
you know okay
i see what you’re saying so they end up being
the brunt and then they end up being the fucking brunt
again and they
keep on being
the brunt over and over and over
right okay like
when they have like this big fat chicken one of the
other commercials
to show ninety percent coverage
this guy is looking at her like woo
and i’m like seriously dude
are you fucking kidding me i see what you’re saying
i see what you’re saying
that it’s not clever and it’s kind of mean spirited
yeah it’s just like huh
look what we’ve done
yeah how obvious right yeah
yeah that’s
tricky man hello this is
second sock
dollar three
i’m having problems with my cell
phone calls keep
dropping if you have a
mirror handy kindly
gaze into it and you will find your problem a bad
snake charmer
always blames his
snake oh go killed
like an ice lolly i just laughed
i assume you’re on the feeble
2g network get
metro pcs and you’ll be talking
smack on 3g with nationwide
coverage in over 11 000 cities and towns 40
okay i’m sorry man that shit’s funny
i don’t give a fuck what you say but you know that’s
not funny is the
value that metro
pcs is giving us what you just had that non sequitur
with the fucking
snake charmer
that made me laugh man
well there you go that’s
fart jokes for indian people listen it’s not brilliant
they’re just trying to sell some bullshit
i think they just made them look so fucking
stereotypical
yeah what would you do though
differently how
would you make it different
if you had that scenario give them
mexican accents absolutely
i would have picked really
aryan looking people and then
given them yeah you
could always make fun of nazis there’s no one around to
stand up for nazis nazis
would be on the shit list
for a hundred years
until the next
group of fucking
psychopaths comes along
you know it’s
like i bet for the longest time nazi jokes were
roman jokes
you know you’d be shitting on the
romans right
but you try a roman joke
today and nobody you know what are you a fucking
roman yeah no
what are you saying there’s nothing but you
hit him with what are you a fucking nazi
it’s like oh that shit
still valid that’s a good one
you zinged me
yeah imagine
one time they used to say that what are you a fucking
roman kind of
roman are you
what do you have
flant that was actually an insult
from the movie the hustler
the movie the hustler
piper laurie
says to burt
fuck what is his name the very
famous actor that died
long time hustler that yeah
wasn’t paul newman blues
the guy who played burt
fuck i can’t remember his name
anyway she goes
you’re a roman burt
it’s maybe in the seventies
nazi it was the
it was in the
sixty so it’s nineteen
sixty three i believe
that all that movie
yeah sixty or sixty
three i don’t remember
i should i should
look it up so i don’t give anybody any misinformation
and i should look it up just because i
should need to know the fucking
name of the the dude was an amazing actor wasn’t it
somebody’s like can you guys talk
about something
worthwhile wikileaks perhaps
so you missed it already
stupid know
about you twats
i like like i reading the
tweet the twitters now
because people are like so looking into it
like we’re gonna
be the fucking reason that there’s a change in the
world george c scott
ah george c
scott yeah patton
and play right yes yes
piper lord says
you’re a roman but
you know it’s her way of saying you’re a nazi
like you piece of shit
he was pimping
i think he boned or two as well
it’s pretty
disappointing with
these early reviews of tron
i know man i was
gonna see it tonight
and somebody made a
great point though it’s like
if disney was
going to have a rave
would you go to it
would you think it was good
i would go do it high as
ray but jesus
if disney had ray
oh come on man
a ray would be fun even if you were
if it was a disney raid it
would be fun i don’t know a disney rave if you were
super baked
one thing to note though is i don’t
think i was a huge fan of
tron growing up i
think i was fan of the
video game i don’t
think i’d like the
movie was i didn’t know what the
video game did
you did it i just like the way it looked yeah
i’d go into the arcade
look at the game and go cool yeah
what the fuck does it do
how do you play this game and that’s kind of like the
movie kind of was a
trick back then
it was like computers were mysterious and
weird and that’s why i think
i remember like that
movie but you really try to
watch that movie it sucks
yeah i never wanted to see
tron i’m not a sci fi guy
so i never wanted to see tron
right now or then dude altered states is
one of the most
influential
movies on my life
because of the
fact that it got me in a sensory deprivation tank so i
started you know
tripping in
those things
but i tried
watching it a few years back
it’s terrible yeah
i remember the commercial for that it was
the guy with the movie
things on him
yeah well he’s
all his veins pop right yeah
he’s looking at the
what happened was he went to like
peru or south america’s company takes this
ayahuasca he
drinks it and then he gets in his isolation tank and he
starts tripping and having
these fucking incredible
experiences and
it starts turning them back into a caveman
turning them back into some
wild monkey man and he wants up you
know running around killing people
it looks so stupid
my god it’s like unbearably dumb
mm hmm you know you just you just forget
you know you forget
yeah or that
also like you
start realizing special
effects and dumb like
we were a lot
smarter now
back then it’s the
total evidence of
evolution really
i mean nobody wants to think
about it that way but it shows
there’s an ethic
the ethic in the world is
things become ever more complicated always
and if you look at old
television shows or old music
that stuff is bunk
you know old comedy
it doesn’t work
you know old comedy is broken
go back and listen to some old comedy
very rarely
do you laugh
you appreciate the craft
you appreciate well in this
time period this is controversial material and this
is amazing what this guy’s saying and wow
listen to them they’re really
enjoying it i get it but it’s not
gonna get you yeah that’s why out of all the old old
stand up maybe like
three albums
stand up still
prior still does
but you know it
doesn’t like it did when i was a kid delirious
still holds up real well does it
yeah i watched it
again recently
no performance
fuck me the shit is still
laugh out loud
funny that was a
powerful performance man
yeah someone’s old
stuff still makes me laugh
so mckinisson’s old
stuff still makes me
laugh too it’s
but that’s only 80 years you go back i mean in
1980 rather
go back like 1950
go back to that stuff
well marx brothers makes me laugh
still really does it yeah groucho
still makes me laugh
oh groucho was a brilliant guy man yeah his
show said some
funny shit when he used
to do you bet your life it was a talk show game show
some guy you
know had like ten kids or something like that
and he goes
he goes whoa ten kids
and the guy
i goes yeah i love my wife he goes
i love my cigar too but i take it out of my
mouth every now and then haha
he did always come up with
those kind of lines
bill maher actually kind of hack that
he did something
about loving his bong but i take it out of my
mouth every now
and then he was talking
about the people who are the
the family of 19 kids tribute
yeah tribute you would say that yeah you
would say that it was a tribute you
should mean everybody knows that line that
maybe it is a tribute
but it’s still like
or maybe just someone wrote it for him
but you know groucho marx was
a guy like that
was like to say that back then yeah he was
he was sharp then
his sharpness
still holds up yeah that’s like some
two thousand ten
stand up shit
yeah you know i mean
this is just to say that bill
maher has said that you know
look it works it works now
you know there’s not a lot of jokes that work now
that would work back then
you know i wonder how much business
like trench coat sales
have gone down
since the invention of the webcam
god damn these
webcams are getting better the real thrill
though is to see
the real thrill isn’t
you know those
what is that called
chat roulette
where you just stand in
front of a webcam hoping someone looks at your dick
all right the real thrill
is being right in
front of them
and pulling your dick out like jerking off on them is
it though is it that or you
could do it to like
100 people at once like man i’m doing
hundred like i’m really down to
its science
it’s just more accurate this way i
guess that would work but i don’t even have to run away
right take a sidestep what level of perversity
he was here and then he sidestepped
yeah you don’t have to do much
just to get
away just pull your head out of the webcam that’s
right but then who do you
throw your piss on
or your come on yeah that’s a problem
you just have like this big wall of like a
picture of a
woman that you try to
trigger so you take
a lot of you take a
picture of your
screen put it on the wall
for a lot of dudes that’s like what they really liked
you take a picture your screen you take a
screenshot take a screenshot
print it out whilst you’re jerking off
as you’re about to come you grab it
fuckers that’s hilarious you have to how much do you
jizz enough for a hundred people
who was the guy
that got busted oh it was christie brinkley’s husband
he was in to beat
billy joe no no no
the guy who
took over that guy
there was more than one guy there was a few guys
there was one guy who was
a guy that she got in a helicopter
crash with yeah that
guy died right
they both survived no they both survived
but because the fact they got through this thing
then they had this like
crazy romance that really didn’t make any sense
and then he
wound up the guy was a
loser and she got rid of him
but then there was another guy
afterwards who
was he was a
crazy beat off guy and
and he would
spend thousands
every month just fucking
whacking off online
just joined
every fucking
thing that you can join
it was 25 a
month and i just beat off on people
and they they had like
video this guy and
it was there was an interview
was a fucking fascinating interview with their
bringing up whether or not he had
masturbated in
front of a webcam
there have been allegations of you master this
and he was like there’s this one time
he admits to
tried yeah but
he tried to play it off this is one time and it was a
completely consensual
thing and is
it’s not that he’s just getting on
web how can it be
unconsensual
don’t you just have to look away
like well it’s
unconsensual that you get the initial
image in the
first place i mean if someone
if you’re just having a little iphone
chat with somebody a little facetime they pull out
their deck and
start beating off
yeah man you
should ask me first
that’s fucking highly
unconventional
i think just the shock
alone is worth it
like wow joe why are you why
pulling out your dick joe what are you getting so mad
at worth it to you you got one
too that would be better
you know how uncomfortable that be if
brian i’m gonna pull out my dick and
start masturbating that
would be more uncomfortable than you just like hey look
brian about oh no
come on please don’t
don’t do that why are you doing that
why dude don’t do it no don’t do
it too much
build up you know it makes it
worse oh come on
don’t come come on i
haven’t friends that have told me
come on you know if you
touch it focuses
i had a friend that told me a
crazy story
about his friend
getting a hooker and he stayed in the room and beat off
while his friend fucked the hooker
and i’m like yo i’m not willing to go that far
i am not willing to go that far you’re
gonna beat off in the room
with your friend having sex no
yeah what that’s the same
people that didn’t care in the locker rooms in high
school they were just walking around with
their dick everywhere
yeah and the
same people either died
i was hiding in the bathroom shower i don’t think i
started not caring
until i was in my 20s
yeah me and
your twenties
like you want to look at my dick you fucking weirdo
go ahead but when you’re you know
i did go to heat in this and
get naked though
really what
what’s he even
is jamaica jamaica
just went around naked
yeah there was the prude side in the nude side and
everybody was having way more fun on the nude side wow
and then they’re like come on over and i go
i go over in my
house gotta make
sure no one’s got a fucking iphone on them
oh no this is you know like
five six years ago do they
still do it now yeah i
mean you’re not allowed to have cameras there though
really but nowadays you can get fucking spy cams like
crazy right yeah
there’s all sorts of shit you can get hats that have
video cameras on
it yeah it’s pretty nutty what they can do now
the glasses
member stamlo
stand up had that
chili was doing for a fox
right it was a hidden camera show he had
glasses that were like a little camera on him there’s
a button you can buy it looks like
a butterfly
shirt yeah it’s on my new
video camera i’m always
checking up on the like just recently to get a
small enough hd that goes into a button
i saw yep think
about getting a couple of those
you never know when you’re
gonna need it
you never know
just date with the
right girls
pick up the
right button cameras
hang your shirt the
right way it’s a
venture why are you wearing your
shirt i’m cold
what’s that
weird button nothing
why are your buttons
white and that one’s
black here’s a question that was
glass it’s the bigger button
i have a question for you
gentlemen when you have sex do you guys make a lot of
noises like do you are you loud
yes you are
still i make some noise
really yeah
man if i can
cause i’m not i’m very
quiet i’m very
quiet it’s not
like i’m not
like sad man
i don’t know
why but now i’m being told that i need to be louder oh
i like how old are you brad 36
you’re being told now
listen man we’re not
not now i mean
like within the last year or so lately
people have been telling me
that they give you some very very
strong advice
fake it and just pick
what you have to do
if a girl ever gets to a point
where she’s saying
you need to make some noise
right right
this is what you need to do
you need to make some
noise right
cause if you don’t she’s
gonna find someone who makes noise
right well so
don’t stand there i know but when i make
then i make the
noise and i you can’t be shy
about it i know but it’s like
it’s not me and my personality so when i go
you take that it’s like
i think that’s a shyness
because it took
me a long time to come out of my shell with that
story so yeah listen dude i
tried choking myself and masturbating
everything mmm
no you gotta
learn how to take the
pussy and how you
gonna catch the coming
if you don’t
learn how to take the
pussy there’s
there’s girls that need that they need you to take the
pussy they need you to fuck the shit
out of them dude i get it they need you to talk to them
they need you to grab them
they need to fucking
start pinching
their hair for a
second you gotta
start doing squats
deadlifts mac
and squats and eat a lot of buffalo
if you can get some bison in you
maybe some ostrich some meaty red shit
maybe elk if you
could find elk
steaks so i
should go to fudd records you
should kill a
deer with your fucking hands is what you need to do
you need to go on one of
those indian vision
quests where you go
running down
a deer until it dies of
of exhaustion and then you eat its
heart while it’s
still beating
right and then
you go back and fuck the shit out of her with the
blood all over your
chest but not
until you finish fucking the deer
yeah fuck the deer
first just for a warm up just to get your
kinks worked out of your dick and then you go back home
no sense on
going in gold
yeah how do you make
noises when you’re making love i can
understand kick open the fucking door there’s
snow in the
background you’re making
throw the dead animal
on the ground and you howl
through a conch shell
yeah that’s what you do
do you step in and you fucking take care of business so
when you do that that kills the making love aspect
here’s the deal buddy
only fuck here’s the deal
buddy here’s the deal
fucking the last
thing you would ever want
right is a girl
who was like
like acting like a dude and talking shit to you and
you know and being all manly
with you and you know you don’t want to be getting
aggressive with you or getting
weird with you
right that would be
gross right well
with some girls
some girls are very girly
they’re very
sexual they’re very
and with those girls they want a lot of man
they want a lot of shit happening
they don’t want
you to just be like whimpering on top of them and
shooting loads
yeah they don’t want you cuddling up and
shaking and twitching
every now and then you
gotta give them what
their dna needs they need to cut talked
you don’t want to lean in go did that i’m
sorry did that hurt yeah just
when they say
sorry after
after it’s done you can apologize exactly
sorry about calling you over they’re making
crazy moments
now is it normal
also that girls always say that they must be like
starting their period
again but you
think it’s because you rip them
what’s going on in your like like bar
no like it’s like
every time i
have sex with a girl they’re like oh my god it
started again
but i think i’m ripping them what what are you huge
i didn’t think so many
girls with this
it’s like they’re always saying that it hurts them i’m
going too deep and it’s hurting well
i’ve never had a problem with
you measure your dick are
you do you have some
crazy dick all
right and here’s
an tell the
truth how big is your dick not that big
like six seven inches that’s terrible
right that’s a sad dick
i got a sad dick
like but it’s it’s good i
think normals like six inches
right this isn’t that normal
it’s don’t know
look and think that
might you be a dick
that’s making me i don’t even look at your fingers
right now i just see a dick for some reason
get your finger dicks away from me
well maybe you just you just
lucky and you
dated a bunch of shallow vagina
girls that’s what i’m
thinking i think that’s a shallow vagina girls
now here’s another question do you get
short snatch
have you ever had sex in the
shower and does
it make you
dizzy and like
wanna pass out
for any reason
no but this always makes me like
the other day
you pass out in the shower
while you’re fucking
two months ago
i’m having sex
and i’m like like
like within like a
minute i’m like all
right i’m getting
lightheaded and i had to go lay down
i had to go lay down
on the bathroom floor
and then the substitute
dick walked in and then
stop talk and was this
after she had told you she’d wanted you to talk dirty
no this is somebody else this is
asian black girl and so
but like within a
minute like that happens but if
like it was outside of the shower oh no problem at all
as long as you
want but immediately when i’m in a shower it’s like
what is that
about take it back to the same
story you need
to kill an elk with a bowie
knife you need
to jump on his fucking back and hold onto his horns
and cut his
throat as you get your guard
wrapped around his
neck and trips to the ground as he runs out of blood
that’s what you need to do
you need to
kill something
simon and when you get him from behind stretch the body
your dna is getting
watered down by
technology in the universe
you need to take a log and run up a hill with it okay
you’re losing your
fucking cells
they’re going away and why did
the fading is it normal for them put the
phone next to the pill and have
their parents listen to you have sex
on a wedding
night just kidding i forgot to get coconut water
what are you talking
about you just had one i know i’m thirsty still
okay we get
another one you freak
i’m gonna cut him off
no more marijuana no more coconut
water i don’t
think marijuana is the problem so i’m just
gonna coconut coconut water is delicious
the marijuana get some crazy
we got to get you on some elks
blood that’s what you’re gonna do
you’re gonna start drinking elks blood
just a couple days a week
small glass of elk blood
yeah no edamame
that’s it that edamame shit makes you grow tits
let me see estrogen yeah soy
especially that genetic
genetically modified soy
that shit will fuck you
eight ways to sunday who knows what’s
going on with that soy does that
so why does that also
i don’t know talking out of my ass i know nothing about
vegetable growth
vegetable growth
i think your agriculture knowledge is
disappointing joe
sucks bro sucks i don’t even know what a silo is for
i think they keep
grain in it yes
they keep grain
and if you ever hear
about people
dying in silos
like they fall off and they just
drown by going
right down the middle of silos oh yeah
grain drown yeah
grain drown can
you imagine that
shit i love corn so much
oh my god how do they get you out
i don’t know i think
they start from the bottom
so somebody has a lot of starch in their diet
you can’t swim either right
right you’re just fucking corn
everywhere oh
my god that must be horrifying
i’m always i was always fearful of those
uh those ball
things that you
throw kids in yeah
yeah yeah there’s one
thing that my my two year old has this gymnastics
class she goes to
and there’s
a pit they jump into and it’s all filled with
these little spongy foam things
and i jumped into it i’m like i don’t like this at all
like this feels like you can’t get out of here
like it might be fun if you’re
twenty five pounds
you know if you’re a two year old but when you’re
a grown man and you
fall in all
these balls like this is
stupid like why
would anybody
think this is fun
and they’re
dirty dirty
motherfuckers
i do miss like
laser tag though you guys ever played
laser tag played it once was pretty dope that shit’s
the bomb they need to
bring that back yeah
well they stopped it yeah well i don’t know there’s a
place there’s a
place out here man
fog and everything there’s a
place yeah it’s not out here it’s
about forty five minutes away
north but i’ll take you we can go somewhere
yeah that’s yeah you and
me and ari and
watching the sidelines
and then we’ll wait in line for a cabbage patch game
joey will join in to man joy
what the fuck are you asking me
what a laser tag
don’t you know what my real name is
what if it was like a
laser tag champions
for you bro
you know my wife’s last
name is diaz
really what if you’re related
a wonderful
wonder diaz holy shit
but you could also be related to nick diaz
if you had to choose
between being
related to nick diaz and being related to joey diaz how
would you nate
diaz you’d go
nate instead of nick
but nate and nick are the same
same lineage
same brothers
we are brothers
what the fuck cocksucka
stop doing my
voice shitty
he’s puerto rican right joey
joey is cuban
oh he’s cuban
is your wife puerto rican no she’s ecuadorian
oh damn she went on during
jungle you got yourself a jungle
bitch i got myself an ass
i watch this
crazy fucking
yeah i don’t like those ancient ancient aliens show
you know you ever watch those
a lot of them are kind of hokey
but i watched one last night that was dope
which one was all about
unexplained
structures yeah but this
about the masons and
the illuminati and everything and the
seven oh no no no no no no no it wasn’t
about that it was about
structures like in peru these gigantic
stone walls that they built
these are like 100 ton stones and they were carved into
place so they fit like a puzzle
and they fit perfectly
and they fit to the point where you can’t even get a
piece of paper in between the rocks
and they have no idea how they did this
how they quarried them how they moved them
thousands and thousands of years ago these just
massive walls for i’ve been watching a lot of that
shit lately
incredible shit man big alien shit it out joe
well that’s what these guys are everyone’s always
claiming it’s aliens you know
the lizard aliens right
the reptilian aliens
it’s really
silly thinking but it’s sexy thinking
you know people love the idea of everything being
aliens man there was aliens
aliens did this don’t you see
but we’re aliens
if you look at the regular primates and you look at us
we are fucking
aliens we know that we come up with
crazy shit now
isn’t it a much more likely
scenario that we have been us we have been this thing
for a long ass time
and that we have been this thing for
maybe hundreds of thousands of years
and that we’ve been
wiped out a few times
that’s much more likely
yeah much much
more like there’s no way that we were on for this long
and then all of a
sudden in a
hundred years made fucking strides out of nowhere yeah
but there’s so much evidence
that things get
wiped out all the time on earth
we know that there was
it leads to
mass extinctions 1 to 50 million years ago
165 million years ago where
everything’s dead
except like a couple of you
know some bugs
and some rats and shit and they figure out how to
become everything there is now
if you believe in all that
that gotta have happened in
smaller ways and just fucked up everyone
it must have
happened the shit that killed off the dinosaurs
it doesn’t mean that it just kills everybody
it doesn’t mean that
the mass extinctions that’s the only way they happen
it also could mean that they killed almost everybody
and they weren’t as bad as the dinosaur one
but a lot of people fucking died
and they left behind a lot of
crazy shit that they had already accomplished
and then everybody else
basically started
with scratch
we started with whatever
knowledge we had been passed on to by our forefathers
whatever was in our head
that’s what we got
and then we
figure out how to rebuild
houses and hunt for food and we go through the whole
thing all over again
that’s more likely
that’s more likely we’re here with 2012
i’m about a year and a half away
come on come on
buddy it was you fucking left yourself there
not even a year and a half
two years two years a day
well december 21st yeah
um i think i
heard they miscalculated the date though
that’s a lot of they don’t know the speculation is once
guard it was like
it’s a hundred years off
wow i’ve heard
we’re safe then
i’ve heard it’s not there’s a lot of problems with
interpreting what the mayan
said and what they really meant
you know what a mayan
mayan alphabet
the way it works is each
image depicts a
sound or a word
and like a word you know
like the way like
things were like
they would show you like
i heard someone describe it this way
it would say
i saw aunt rose
would be an eyeball
a saw an ant
and a rose that’s how you
would say i saw aunt rose
you’d have to say it like that
that’s another language i can
do that when i was
thinking mckenna said that
or explained it that way
and so when they try to like decipher
a lot of the old mayan
shit like it’s really
tricky i watch this documentary on
breaking the
mayan code like
their language was so different than ours
like so alien
it’s so hard to say like in english
what these guys
wrote down in
these images and drawings
it’s like man there’s a lot of like filling in the
blanks and guesswork and
just in the
translation
you know just trying to
translate it it’s like you
might be getting the same feeling out of what
they’re saying but
might not so
there’s so much
speculation what does it mean what is the end of the
count what is this man
what a lot of people
believe is all it is is there’s a procession of the
equinoxes and it’s a
twenty six thousand something year cycle
and what it is is that the earth
wobbles on its access yeah
doesn’t spin perfectly
and it create
completes this wobble every
26 000 years or something like that
i think it’s that much isn’t it
whatever the number is
but that this is what it was all
based on and
these are these
cycles based on but it
doesn’t necessarily mean that anything happens
you know i mean
just because they wrote it down and made a
cycle and a calendar and there’s counts in the calendar
that this is the end of the long
count december 21st
2012 even if that is the day
it doesn’t mean that anything happens
you know there’s all these people like
there’s gonna be a great awakening
and we are all going to come join in one consciousness
and experience mother gaia
she will speak to us
again as she has not in thousands of years
since the mayans last saw her
society in our lights in our electricity in our
prescription
medicine has ruined our connection to the great mother
maybe or maybe you’re a
crazy cunt and you believe in palm reading
and you just need your life to be more interesting
than being some fat fucking cheese doodle
eating weirdo
that’s sitting at home you know
watching ancient
aliens on tv
maybe that’s not the answer
maybe two thousand
twelve nothing happens
most likely
most likely but
maybe it’s some sort of a technological thing
maybe it’s nothing maybe it’s
maybe it is that’s what most
like your area
i mean like seriously
like what it was it for the odds a hundred what’s that
other planet they said i
can’t brian but you can’t say that we aren’t
we aren’t on a very clear path
yeah but do you really
think that this day is
gonna happen and then like
everything’s
gonna something
crazy is gonna happen for
real look if something
crazy happens
okay and if it happens
a decade from now
or if it happens tomorrow
what’s gonna happen is
gonna be so fucking nuts you are gonna
completely be over the fact that someone called the day
that he nailed it december 21st he was
right what are the odds
you’re not gonna care what the odds were because what’s
gonna happen is
gonna be so
fucking world blowing
right what’s
gonna happen is something like a time machine
or a portal to another dimension
or some sort of
experience interdimensional
experiences
that people be able to go through or
or wormholes
or something fucking
completely crazy
that we can’t even wrap our
heads around now because it’s beyond our comprehension
that’s what’s
gonna happen
and when that does happen
you’re not gonna give a fuck
if it was in december or july i was there
they’re gonna say look man
we’ve connected all time together in one grouping
you can dive in but you can’t dive out
who’s with me
if you go in you have to realize that your
identity dissolves
you no longer
exist and you become one of the
great mind do you do it or do you not do it
i called the day
i knew it was
gonna be july 13th look
i wrote it down
no one’s gonna give a fuck if you
wrote it down you dumb cunt
are you in or you’re not in
yeah but it’s that simple
so you’re thinking that that’s
gonna happen in your lifetime
though something
crazy no digging that
absolutely absolutely
singularity will happen within our lifetime
it’s inevitable unless
some sort of a natural disaster
occurs before that
if something
occurs before then and
knocks us back
you know to
who knows man
maybe that’s the earth’s
inoculation
system maybe the
earth is like listen
bitch we’re not
ready for you to make the
black hole machine yet
so the earth fucking sends an asteroid our way
boom i mean
maybe we don’t
think of the sky being a natural
system but maybe it is a natural system
maybe just like you
know bacteria
is here to kill off the old people
you know and
strong colds and what are
those there for what is that battle with
these invisible
forces that kill our loved ones
what is that
about well that’s a
system man it’s a whole
system in place
i mean you can call it you know
you could call
it bacteria you can call it germs you can call it
there’s a system
okay the system is when you get weak someone gets you
okay and it
might be the flu
it might be leukemia
whatever the fuck it might be
there’s some
crazy biological
system well
that might exist in the
solar system as well
the dinosaurs
might have just got too
fucking crazy
it might have just been two nuts
and the whole geological
system was so fucking off balance like
no one’s ever
gonna invent
anything okay here’s why
every time you go outside
a 90 foot lizard eats your asshole
okay no one is
gonna ever invent shit
we gotta kill these
motherfuckers
and progress comes to a screeching halt
because there’s these
super predators
i mean they are the epitome
of super predator
look at the t rex
giant fucking
thick skinned lizard
monster with huge
teeth that eats all day
nothing ever gets done like that so you got to come
with a giant
five hundred mile wide
chunk of iron from
space going
forty five thousand
miles an hour
slamming into the
crust and just fucking
everything up
just fucks the
whole party man
and when that happens then
everything gets to
start again
maybe we’re just
gonna give reboot
point yeah maybe we’re
gonna get to some point
where we’re just so retarded and out of control
and overpopulated that we’re piled on top of each
other and then
maybe the universe reboots us
i think people are
waiting 20s thought the same
thing probably though
yeah but they were
right they were just
wrong by the day
the difference between 1920 and
2010 in your life is a long time
in the life of the universe they ain’t shit
okay they recognize an ethic
and they saw it in advance
that’s what it is
they just were wrong
about the date
when they thought the
apocalypse was coming
10 000 years ago
they were right
okay they were just off by 10 000 years
ten thousand years isn’t shit
but everybody is paying attention
if you look at the direction that
human beings are
going we all recognize it’s
going to some
crazy point that’s not a fucking bright future
there’s no way
there’s no way if population
keeps increasing and increasing and increasing
and we keep
polluting and
polluting and
fighting and war and iran its nuclear weapons
we got issues
some shits gonna go down
it’s inevitable
and everybody recognized that
back in the biblical days
they recognize that five hundred years ago
they recognize that the nineteen twenties
and they were right
they were right
it’s just that’s the way it’s moving
just takes time
so that’s what all this
two thousand
twelve shit is
you know whether it’s two thousand
twelve or when
jesus comes back
i got these fucking
videos that are
awesome okay
they are all it’s
kirk cameron series
their vhs i
gotta get i
gotta buy them on vhs man that’s how awesome they are
and it’s i forget
what they’re fucking called he’s like a
crazy christian now
right beyond
yeah he believes the rapture
that is gonna happen
when jesus is
gonna come back
all the beautiful people that love
jesus are gonna disappear
and they’re
gonna leave us
stranded in hell
the hell of earth
that god is
gonna come and take away
he believes
basically that god is like an
alien who’s
gonna take all his
his brothers back to the mothership
he’s fucked
how nutty is
that concept when people say no it’s not an
alien man it’s the rapture it’s
gonna take us to heaven
we’re gonna live forever
with love it’s not like
aliens you’re
going to heaven
you’re going to space
you’re leaving this planet you’re
gonna disappear
we’re not gonna no
god is gonna remove us from
no you do you
might as well be beaming aboard
okay you’re
using magic and you’re
gonna go to some special place
and you don’t
think that’s nuts
these videos are awesome
they’re awesome
and he really sells them in the
videos oh yeah man
these people are
believing this man
it’s a window into madness
and it’s all based like
there’s a whole
book series
that’s written by these two dudes
that write these
apocalyptic
you know rapture books
and they sell like crazy
god i’m gonna have to google
this now because i don’t remember the name of this guy
and it’s kind of important
because the whole idea is pretty fucking interesting
what’s your religion man are you you religion
i’m not a religious left behind that’s what it’s
about these are the books that
was raised catholic though
what yeah i was too
that’s good enough
right catholic like inoculates you because it’s so
silly you know you’re
ridiculous yeah and everybody’s
fucking everybody and hitting everybody and shit
you know you don’t
just such a ridiculous
like when i look at it now i’m like
really you want
me to believe some of this shit any of this shit really
yeah it’s like it’s so
ridiculous and who
wrote this book yeah
the left behind
series you got to
check it out
they may i think they made two
videos i’m pretty sure i have both of them and
if i don’t i’m
gonna buy em
if they come out with new ones i’m buying them too
blu ray they’re awesome blu
ray 3d unintentional
kirk cameron on blu ray 3d
yeah kirkham
is curly hair will come so if you
if you were raised
catholic you know i have all this indian art around my
house and you you were very
aware of what all this shit is and you very
aware of you know what the names for him and
everything like that
how do you know all that stuff well
still my parents are from india
right so you
should know
things you go when you go
visit family and
stuff you would see
not in their
houses but like you
would see it around
india and i’d ask what is that what is that
it is a pretty fascinating fucking country
when you think
about the history of all these
weird fucking
really thoughtful
things have come out of india
you know just the the the history of yoga
you know and
the yogis and the sad dudes and you know all
those dudes sitting around smoking
chillums and trying to figure out the universe and
you know the the bahava geeta
and or maha bharata and
you know what is
what is that the fucking
there was another
another ancient text that’s really fascinating
they just eat
my hot parathas
what are those
like little breads
they’re breads
little parathas
my mom would make them
when was the
first time you saw a chicken that wasn’t red
huh chicken it wasn’t red
red chicken
red chicken
indian chicken yeah that shit’s oh it’s underage
red chicken
the bag of akita
right that’s what it’s called the hindu
book the ancient
hindu book yeah but
that’s what oppenheimer
quoted after he fucking blew up the atomic bomb which
was very nice huh
but you got
wild did you guys that
was never a religion though you know it’s just a
way of life really
yeah and then somebody
wrote it down and became a religion
it’s almost like if
somebody said
wrote down the rules to yoga and then people
started following it like a religion well they do
yeah right means
look i know people that are younger people that
you know they do
to classify themselves as yoga people
they might as well be in a cult
i mean they really
might as well be i mean it’s very
beneficial and it’s helping them a lot certainly helps
like they all have
great energy
and they’re all like really friendly people
but it’s it’s it’s
might as well be a cult
you know it’s like sort of the same sort of
thing they start
talking this one chick
are you fucking ringing your phone
again dude yeah what’s
wrong with you
what was that
sounds like a song
huh this one
it’s not any religion though the
minute it gets written down comes a religion i guess
but i mean the yoga
thing is a fascinating
thing because it real
but it really is is some sort of body maintenance thing
you know they figured out how to
maintain your body
and maintain
like your health
and maintain like a certain
sense of clarity
and a lot of that shit came out of india man
a lot of that shit you know came out of the
you know they
look a lot of the ancient india
way of life like with the
with the sad
news and with these
these yogis and i always wonder
like why this one area
you know if you look at all
these different areas of europe all
these different areas like
india especially has a lot of like really
trippy shit that came from india
like all your artwork
the indian artwork not your artwork
oh you people you know you people
the canadian artwork
is all so fascinating man it’s all really trippy
like you know shivas
with you know
they’re fucking six arms and shit and like
it’s all really really
bizarre like
psychedelic heady stuff
it’s a very state of mind country yeah
when you go there i talk about it
funny enough in my act but
no i’m good thanks
did you happen to see that yogi bear parody where
yogi kills boo boo
no did you see that
joe talk about non sequiturs you
motherfucker we’re talking
about india
well trippy
india were talking about yoga and this is yoga
no that is not what we’re talking about
not talking about yogi bear
i just brought
that up because no one was saying anything so
oh i see oh well
you saved us
i had nothing to say about
india good save
why don’t you try yoga brian
maybe that’ll
bring you a
fucking hard dude i’ve done it a few times it’s great
especially if you’re single it’s the best
place ever to
go to meet girls and see
their buttholes and
stuff see their buttholes just see a move around
they’re barely wearing anything
especially you get the hot
sweaty one they’re like
it’s just amazing it’s just naked
chicks pretty much and it’s
naked chicks are looking out for
their health yeah
right so they’re healthy and
good bronze yeah yeah
especially if they eat like good
stuff eat good food
pussy smells good right
you know what
some chickens hot dogs all the time with that
stinky ass beer
pussy man totally and
too much vegetables make a fart
stink so yeah really yeah
more than meat
i find that
very oddly vegetarians have the
worst farts ever really oh my god oh man i
guess if you
think about it
when vegetables rot
yeah but meat rotting
smells worse
it’s gotta smell worse man
it’s really
gross it’s not
a meat rod i
challenge it
i always define
it in my head by
thickness you’ve
never smelled my friend
tate fletcher’s farts
you know kind of
grace you really did that
sometimes yeah you don’t even know what you’re talking
about son you
think you do you
think you know
smelly farts like
when you get like one of
these ufc motherfuckers farts on you protein farts
dudes who are
digging protein tubs of
synthesis all day
and try to stay
maintained at
about two thirty nine
twenty three nine
pounds of muscle
and they fart and just
clear out buildings yeah
yo our friend tate
i always find the better
the shape the person’s in the worse
their farts are really
it’s cause of protein man
they eating a lot of protein that shit
cakes up inside you and forms pockets and just
stews and then finally comes out in a gaseous form
i’ve been having some pretty bad ones lately really
and i keep reviewing my diet in my head and going
what the fuck
is causing this dead animal in my body to come out
i love indian food man and
if you eat indian food you know there’s a
place down the
street from me like you know
the reason why
you know your farts
smell that way
like when you
smell indian food when
indian food farts are very specific dude see for me
they’re very normal to me
see for me in our house it would be like somebody
would fart and it would smell my dad be like who ate
macaroni and cheese
somebody’s been eating shit in this house
in fifth grade they
had a hamburger
in fifth grade our
teachers actually had to pull the whole
class aside because our one indian guy
named omar brosher
i guess everyone made fun of his farts because they
smelled different than owners
and so they had to
explain to our
class when he
was out in the hallway that do not make fun of him
he has a special diet and they have
that’s hilarious i remember that
clear as day his name
port omar if you’re out there
religious special diets are
the nuttiest
shit man i have a
buddy of that always makes me lucky
and he was a
fighter he was a taikman oh fighter
and he used to on ramadan
you know you’re not allowed to
i don’t know exactly what the law is
you fast until sun
down i know you
think you’re allowed to
drink water
right nothing
yeah i don’t
think you do shit
and so you know he would
still compete even though he had to do this
you know but it
would just just
wreck him physically he was just useless
you know like it didn’t
there wasn’t there a
basketball player that did that as well
there was like a
famous basketball player
akima oswan i believe it was was it him
i don’t remember what it was because i’m not really a
basketball fan but it was
one shut up man
there was one
famous basketball
player who used to do this he’s do the ramadan
thing and he couldn’t eat then he
would go play
basketball and suck
like whenever
the fucking you know people get pissed off and i
would ramadan
would come around
i don’t remember who was
but it’s weird when people
stick so fucking
rigidly to like
weird little rules like that
about eating
you know like yeah i don’t get that
that’s a luxury
of people that
have too much food if that’s what you’re coming up with
you should be just eating to stay healthy all
right stop stop with the
you know if you’re
gonna fucking
love god go love god
enough to love god with your food you fucking freak
yeah you have to deny yourself a food when you have it
jesus christ who put the food there
if you believe in god don’t you
think he put the food in your life
he wants you to eat it you fuck
isn’t what you just
starving yourself all day for his love
he made the
whole universe
you think he’s impressed with you
starving yourself all day dear god
i did not eat that pig today
yeah it gave me the eye
i’m addicted to crock pots
right now really it’s so nice you just
throw a chicken in there put some
lemons in there
wait six hours
later you have like a real hardcore meal you know
hardcore the old
chicken and
lemon in a crock pot yeah
the old sounds
delightful there are some
steak and some vegetables in there
bam you got beef stew
that’s the difference from you and i
right there in a nutshell
i like cooking over fire
when it’s cold outside
outside yeah
and i look real wood but what you don’t chart 83 here
it’s been 83 here in la well yeah
40 i used to like doing in
colorado but i did it with a gun in my pocket
i live in colorado
because i was cooking meat outside
you know with fucking wild animals yeah
i lived in the woods dude
i know i remember when you left
yeah i lived there for a few months
if it wasn’t for the wife i’d
still be out there
i remember you
listened to our one podcast when we were talking
about third base
remember he was texting
party at the time yeah that’s
right right
what was the
issue that came out i can’t remember
because we’re looking for the name of base
that leads yeah
was research and
research and the other
pete nice yes
prime minister
pete niceness
and richie rich i believe was
their dj yeah
those guys were good dude
why what happened to them how come they disband
started some
clothing company and
why did he stop rapping
i don’t know you can’t rap forever
why can’t you
why not you
stand up there’s only so many
wrong you can do
stand up forever you can’t be
too successful and just keep rapping you know
why not peace
i don’t know
why can’t you
i know it’s a young man
sport this rapping it’s like
it’s almost like a sport
really yeah
why is it is because the
young men are we
appreciate a certain amount of swagger
and cockiness and
confidence in young men
but when we see it in old men it’s just stupid
especially men that aren’t too old yet
yeah we’ll accept it
again once you hit ninety
yeah it’s like you know it’s like
watching old
fighters you’re like man i remember when you were good
you slow down you
you’re not your reflexes aren’t the same
what was that bro
third base oh
that’s one of the
weirdest things ever is
watching a fighter deteriorate
it’s very very strange thing
god damn it jeff
some motherfuckers
is it him yes it is
i’m doing a podcast i call
you back pop goes
yeah that was a good one
that was uh they were see this is like one of the
first hater songs
they were upset at vanilla ice getting paid
oh that’s right yeah
turn this up turn this up
that’s right he’s dressed up as vanilla ice
phony entertainers like what they’re doing is valid
but when val ice is doing was not
it’s ninety one so something’s got to change
nineteen years ago
you know my mom met millie vanilli
one week before they got caught
in an elevator they shared an elevator
do you know angelo sarucas
no who’s that
friend of mine comedian
him and joey
always end up going out for the same roles cause they
same size right
so angela was flying to south africa
whoa and he gets on the plane and
this guy sits beside him
up in business class and he’s like
and the guy
standing it looks and goes hey man i recognize you
comedian right he goes oh yeah hey goes
then he got it looks
enemy and he goes holy fuck it’s k fed right
it’s like that’s cool kevin
federline the guy used to be married to britney
spears so he’s like oh they’re talking the
whole flight and he’s like what are you
going here for i’m
shooting a commercial for something and
because yeah i’m doing a show you
should come to my show and blah blah blah
all right kev all
right and the guys kay fed was doing a commercial
was the story here so
they invites
him to the show and he shows up to the show
and he’s backstage with all his friends and
he’s like hey guys this is a k fed and
he just call me rob he’s like
all right it’s kay fed
and then i’m
madam ed was with him and
i’m madam ed
posemos i goes
hey that’s not kay fed that’s
vanilla ice
oh my god oh my god
wow you know what son of a bitch it’s like
that’s had to be painful for vanilla
ice because then he realizes that he’s in that category
of talent that the kids
who are famous
who you make fun of but they’re
right here so you don’t make fun of them but i have a
slight possibility to sleep with britney spears though
well he definitely did that you know in the
right category but
still vanilla ice was like a legit
superstar performer for a short period of time
had a few big hits
scott the do it yourself show now scott
do you remember what vanilla ice does
he has a renovation show on like the hgtv
wow that’s hilarious
do you remember when vanilla ice boxed
todd what are you doing todd bridges
todd bridges beat the fuck out of vanilla ice course
of course sort of but
still bridges is black that
the other guy’s trying to be
black now he’s doing something
it’s always any guy that’s trying to be
black versus a real black
black’s always real
black that’s hilarious
oh dude that’s there is some
logic and science to what you just said yes
of course a guy who’s trying to be black
talking to a guy who’s black fighting
so true so true
there’s no way he could win
never he should have known
going into that contest stop
collaborating this
maybe thought the top bridges was a fake
black because he was a
child celebrity and he was on different
strokes raised by a white
but he was he was only raised by a white on tv
inoculated from that
all that hollywood shit
crack cleaned him out of that yeah
crack clean that out and brought him back to his
roots ghetto
back to his inner ghetto todd had dana on his side too
not white either
poor dana playda hmm
that was a that’s a disturbed
show man when you look at all the things that happen to
those people on that show
you got to go whoa what the fuck
tom he’s last
man man yeah and and dana plato
all fucked up
huge celebrities on tv
everybody’s
happy now he’s doing icdc commercials
what does that mean is it i
see is it icdc
the college community college
we had them on fear factor
it was a it was a very
angry guy man it was there’s some dudes
where you you like you hanging out with them
and you’re talking
to him or whatever and you go okay i can i
could tell you in ten minutes
ninety percent of what’s
wrong with your life
it’s the way you’re fucking acting man he was like a
spoiled child
like when he
lost and he got eliminated from the show he goes
oh i see what’s
up i see what’s up you guys don’t want me to win
like he was like like a
child and he was like a man in his thirties
like no i want to
shake his hand
wouldn’t eat the cockroaches i
would shake his hand
yeah exactly
he wouldn’t
shake hands with me and i’m like okay good
good i’m glad
i’m glad get out of here
who was that one episode
where the guy wanted
to we had to slap down a guy
oh yeah there was a couple
there was a couple and they’ve fought with each
other all the time
screamed and yelled each other
one time on a show
he had thrown her to the ground on one of the shows
another reality show they were on
so we had been told that this guy was like
violent and he
could be dangerous and so
we did the show and the girl
had been taunted the
whole time the show is going on
it was the guy the guy’s name was
jonathan and i forget what his wife’s
victoria was his wife
and there was another kid
the dude who got fucked up by
danny bonaducci once
he was on survivor johnny
fuck i can’t remember his name
anyway johnny
anyway what
happens was this kid is an awesome shit talker
and while they were off there doing
their stunts
he was like
screaming at them
jonathan you can do better she’s dead weight
she’s dead weight man
and she’s holding you back
it was really
funny man because they were
frustrated and yelling and
screaming at each other
and he was like
dumper and she was like you shut the fuck up
and he’s like
you see this man
this is bad energy dude you don’t need this
and so he’s like totally torturing them
while they don’t go through their
stunt they’re fucking up and they can’t find
their flashlight
it’s a disaster right
so when they come back
after they got eliminated
the girl walks up to this johnny kid
johnny fucking forget his name
and punches him
just straight up hit some
and i go whoa
whoa what the fuck you can’t assault people
kind of fair play
thank you that’s him
and i’m like
just because you
you fucking hit your husband
doesn’t mean you can hit
other people
and then the husband goes hey hey hey
and he gets my face and
all i could
think to say was no hey hey hey
he says hey hey hey
so i said all i
could think of is this guy’s
gonna hit me like for sure he was
a total loose cannon
and he was screaming and yelling at his wife just
seconds ago and now he’s like in my face
and i’m like this guy easily
could hit me
so i shoved him
away from me i said get the fuck out of my face don’t
touch me don’t come
close to me
and then he came back
again and he goes
touch me again
and then i just
pushed him again
and then i grabbed his head then i
grabbed the back of his head and i just held onto him
i was like if he hits me i’m gonna
knee his fucking
brain into another part of the universe
but i’m not
gonna do anything
until he tries to hit me
so i just held on to him
but i was convinced that he was
gonna hit me
it was like you just go straight held him down
this way i just
grabbed the back of his head i got him in a tie clench
i just grabbed the back of his head
i just it was
right there i just grab it i was
like i was gonna
choke him thought
about choking him
but i’m like if i
choke him then i’ve done something to him
right now i’m just holding on to him
so i just grabbed a hold of his head and i just
handled him
until they pulled us apart
but no nothing ever happened
but it was a
it’s weird when
there’s someone that’s that dangerous
it’s someone’s that has that little control over
their physicality and
their emotions
those are usually the guys
that have never
been punched in
their face usually yes usually
yeah guys that always run off with the lips
never been punched in the
mouth usually
he completely panicked once i
grabbed him he went like a
child he didn’t know what to do
he didn’t know to hit me
or push me away so he didn’t do anything
he kind of just flailed his arms
in this weird like
panicky moving
thing you know
most people
are not used to conflict like physical conflict
when you do
jiu jitsu you know you used
to physical conflict all the time it’s like a normal
thing like it’s not
doesn’t seem
unnatural but for a lot of people don’t fucking
hyperventilate
like i’ve seen people in
street street
fights just straight
hyperventilate
freak out not
know what to do not know how to handle themselves
it’s not cool
it’s not good to be around fucking
crazy creepy people
but if you’re
gonna be around
crazy creepy people it’s way better if you know how to
fight the last
thing you want is them knowing how to
fight and they’re
crazy and creepy and you’re
the lost fucking this fucking
drowning in this
ocean of panic
what are you doing reading tests i’m reading
these once you’re talking one sided conversation
where i’m listening and i’m reading
these and maybe we
should end this
maybe ah geez that
time has come this is what i did it’s what happens when
every show comes to an end eventually
after a while brian
so you just
what are you
talking about
i saw carlos newton at the
fight when i was there did you
i trained with him a couple of times did you really
how long have you done jujutsu
i just used to roll around with there’s a comedian
named ron jossell out of canada
oh yeah back in 97
i used to bach
i stopped boxing in 94 but
he wanted to
learn how to
strike in 97
and he was doing
jiu jitsu and i was like you’ll
never get past a boxer
oh that’s funny and in
seconds i was
screaming like a
bitch cause he had me in an armbar
and so then you
learned it yeah i
trained with him for a little bit
that’s cool do you do anything now
no that’s why i was asking cause i
wanna go somewhere and do something
cause where do you
spend the majority of your time
well on the road but i’m
gonna be here now for a while
okay what with the new developments
yeah where well you don’t want to tell me
where you live
on the air these
fucking people are creepy man
los angeles they want whoa
that’s very specific
they wanna know
where you are
where are you russell
i need to talk to you
how many people
do you have given you
scripts and
shit yeah don’t you have a tv show coming out i have
a deal with nbc but we don’t you know waiting on that
script right
i don’t get any scripts no
you don’t get any
scripts what do you mean
i mean the agency sends them to me but it’s not like
here they want you for this film it’s like
see if you like anything in
here and then i’ll try and get you an audition i’m like
yeah and i’m good i’m not gonna
start fucking reading things
just for the sake of you
well i think that with your
popularity as a comedian doing a sitcom
would be a natural
thing yeah they
would just get somebody really good and
write something for you
totally the fuck is
wrong with them
good dane cook to
write it or something
shut up brian
the fuck is
wrong with you
brian how about a news
radio type of
thing that was
my brother my brother has
every season on dvd
it’s hard to do one of
those though you gotta get
the most important
thing is you have to have a
powerful writer and a
powerful producer
the guys gotta be good they have to
good with good sensibilities
there’s just not a lot of them there’s a lot of them
are hacks and you had a lot of good people on you yeah
yeah you can get good
people though there’s a lot of good people you could do
three four five six
seven casts of good people
in la you can find a lot of talented
comedic actors
you know that you could put
into tv shows and if you figured out how to
write specifically for them you
could have it really good
it’s you know
a lot of that is luck what’s really hard is finding the
right writing and fine cause look
after news radio
how many of us went off and did
successful sitcoms on our own none
none of us did
you know everyone
tried i had a couple of
pilots i had a couple of
things that i
was writing and
things that i did or
things that i went up for
it’s too hard to find something good
you know i would get these
things and i’d read them and i’d
be like fuck man i couldn’t do this like this is clunky
dumb hacky horse shit
and once you do like a really good show it’s hard man
so terrible feeling for a stand up
to be doing
shitty comedy and not even be able to change it
that’s a terrible feeling man i get to i get to
story edit once it’s written so that’s good
yeah you get to
story edit oh that’s
great man if you
write your own shit if you had your
own idea and sat down and came up with your own shit
that would be the move man
that would be the move
cause you’re the only guy that really can
write for you
you can’t get some fucking dude who’s not really even a
stand up who’s like some sort of a
you gotta find it like a really
powerful fucking really bright guy
to a news radio but have it podcasting
i’m listening
and it’s our life
brian it’s 24
hours a day
right and just because i mean if you think
about it like the news
radio things good like
radios are pretty much dead that’s you know the new
things podcasting have a sitcom around podcasting news
with friends
maybe have like a little
black child
different strokes and
that’s not about no you don’t want
you were on
fox right back then
no no nbc no news
radios nbc i was on a show on fox
before that though called hardball that was for like
there was only like
seven episodes i
think aired
maybe six aired seven shot
terrible show
and it was that yours
no i was the star of it but it was a baseball show
almost one of the stars
there’s a bunch of
other people in it
but it was it was
one of those shows that was really
funny at one
point and then got butchered
the guys who
wrote it is guys jeff martin and kevin kern
they wrote for
the road for
married with children they
wrote for the simpsons
really really funny guys
but the network didn’t
think that they could
produce a show
they didn’t
think that they
could like they were hard enough to run a show
so what they wanted to do was give
it to a producer and the producer took over and just
started rewriting
everything and turned it into
their showrunner
jack it up shit
it became dog shit just
total hack need
obvious dog shit and
that’s not fun
you know that’s what a lot of happened a lot
of that happens in hollywood you know there’s a lot of
weird nepotism where
the you know that a guy worked on a
successful show
it’s like he must have the
magic he worked on
coach yep you know so they they
bring the coach man in this is the man from
coach they always do that
with my coach
they always do that with me
yeah they always tell you well
you know russell this
is this is what
we’ve done before and it’s worked and i go
well clearly
everything i’ve
done in my career has not been the regular path
right right i didn’t get to this
level cause i followed the same
path that you
think is the
the key to success here the key to
humor too yeah yeah
yeah the key to
humor is like man it’s so hard to
gauge one person’s humor like
i don’t know if i
could do it as as a
comic and a comedian and a writer i don’t know if i
could take someone else’s comedy i
would have to be so intimate with that person’s comedy
to like try to write
a plot or an idea for them
like you’re
gonna get you know
your idea of what
their ideas
would be i think louis
ck did it the best
yeah i did it himself that’s probably
the best example
how to do it perfect yeah the new show on fx
right yeah the new show
yeah yeah he totally got it
right i watched a couple episodes he’s
i love louis
yeah he’s perfect he’s doing exactly the right way
why don’t you
marry him would you
marry him shut up brian
you guys are
gonna marry him are you ginger babies um
no we’re not
gonna marry him i am
brian i think you died ten minutes ago
here your body’s being run by bacteria
coconut water
your but yes your body’s being run by bacteria
that was living in the coconut
water when i die it’s gonna be like aliens where that
robot dies and all that milk starts coming out of them
and let me ask you a question that you already
asked me what do you think
about all this
2012 shit um
i don’t know i keep watching all these things and
what’s that
no beru that planet they say that’s gonna hit us
well yeah well they did discover a
large object they believe
exists way outside of pluto
some large jupiter sized object
have you ever
had michio kaku on your show
no but i got a chance to talk to him once on the open
anthony show
and ask him a
bunch of question he was on the phone
it’s fucking
great man that guy’s awesome i do love that guy
he’s really
smart thank god there’s people like him out
there yeah because i don’t have that kind of patience
you know like
these theoretical
he explains it
so well well he’s so educated and intelligent and
his whole life has been you
know in this pursuit of wisdom
i don’t have
that kind of devotion to shit you know it’s like
my my thing
about so many
things is like
how much time
would it really take to kind of
understand what the fuck this guy really knows like
when you hear
about string theory
you know when you hear about
just the idea behind it how long
would you really have to
study it before you
truly understood what the fuck they’re talking
about i’ve watched documentaries on string theory a
bunch of times
i never really
know what i’m taking away but i know i’m fascinated the
whole time yeah fascinated the
whole time but just like what
you know there
could be i watched one
with michio kaku
where he’s talking
about there
could be another you and another dimension that took a
left when you took a
right and he went on a totally different life journey
happening right now
simultaneously he’s talking
about parallel universes yeah that there
might be an
infinite number of yous doing the same life and
going in an
infinite number of different directions all at once
and then there’s the
other thought that
you are traveling
and transgressing
through different parallel dimensions all the time
and the one you
exist in right now
is the one you
exist in because of your choices and
literally is not the same one
as the one you
started off in
you have been with
every decision you
make in your life you’re moving into a new dimension
you’re moving into some new universe some new parallel
existence what the fuck are we talking
about folks we’re talking crazy shit
i was in houston
i’m almost i’m so fascinated by the moon landing
thing oh are you yeah you me as well
because i was so i was in houston recently
and there was this indian girl waiting
by the bus for an autograph in a picture
very nice very innocent
she’s like i just want to take a picture she’s from
india too right like
cool no problem she goes
you know my whole
class at the university is all big fans and like that’s
great thank you very much
i go what are you guys studying she said
astrophysicist
i’m like are you kidding me
i goes like what do you mean you designing
spacecraft you were
studying it and we’re you know yes we are that’s
ultimately what we’re doing
when i said so let me ask you a question
have we gone to the moon
and she goes
they say we’ve gone to the moon
i go i go what does that mean
well they said we went to the moon i go
so is it possible that we went to the moon
no it’s not possible that we went to the moon
but they’ve said we went to the moon
it’s physically impossible to go to the moon
in this day and age
she said it’s not possible then how
would it be possible
now what was her reasoning for saying that it’s
not possible she said the van allen radiation belt
she said it
would peel off your skin
she said it’s not like
you know it’s not like it
would affect you
later she said it
would literally
your skin would fall off we can just to play
devil’s advocate
though there are readings of the van allen radiation
belt they’ve released online that you could find
where they show the
levels that are out there and the amount of exposure
the astronauts
would have gone through
if they did what they said they did
and there’s a
bunch of people that have said that they
would survive it
that’s all just on
paper though
right my problem with it is they
never sent a fucking chicken into
space and had that
motherfucker come back alive
and they did
it with astronauts they did it with american
civilian or american
you know astronauts during
the apex of a 20 year
solar cycle really you went all the way out there
yeah she said it’s just
too far too it
would take too long there’s no way
they got up there and then sent a
transmission back that
quick either
yeah that’s kind of trippy too
she’s like there’s no way like there’s just it’s not
physically possible what’s really
trippy is that
only did they do that they actually timed
the panning of the camera
from houston
to catch the
lunar module as it
separates from the moon surface and they follow it up
they time the pan
like they timed all that on a delay
from houston
like maybe they did it
maybe they did it
you know i wasn’t there she literally
pointed out my iphone and said you have more
technology in this
true then you didn’t all of
that’s not just
about technology it’s
about calculations it’s
about thrust it’s
about speed it’s
about catching
the the you know the the
the rotation of the moon
coming back
along with it’s the
slingshot effect and
but i’m not saying that they i’m not saying that i
think they did
do it because i’m i’m not convinced they went but
you got to make sure
that when you
argue about
things like this like that the science
the science is really
tricky like you have to know way
too much to really know what the fuck you’re talking
about sure i don’t
i don’t but what i
do know is i
i know bullshit
okay and i’m
real good at bullshit i’m mama if you lie to me man
i i can tell i can see twitches in your eyes i can
smell bullshit a mile away
i’ve been around so many
creeps my whole life
i just fucking
and just being a comedian and being a student of the
human animal
when you watch the apollo 11
press conference when
the post flight
press conference that to me
was one of the biggest
pieces of evidence that something’s really wrong
because they’re
clearly bullshitting
there’s no doubt
about it if you
watch the apollo eleven
press conference
the post fight press
post flight
press conference
they are they’re talking
about this like
like they’re just like
making shit up
it’s like it
doesn’t seem
like they have any connection
to what they’re talking
about it doesn’t seem
remotely like it was a part of
their life that they’re describing
it seems like horseshit
and it seems like
horseshit and
they’re nervous and they’re answering questions
we’ve never gone back we’ve
never even come
close the only time
human beings have ever been more than 400
miles above the
earth’s surface was them
the all the moon missions
all the ones when they flew
over it and didn’t land and the ones that they did land
between 1969 and 1972 they went
and landed and supposedly and came back it’s far it’s
250 million or
250 000 miles
yeah but just think
about that think
about the fact they did that in
69 yeah that
doesn’t make any
sense we’re moving into
2011 yeah we
should have had some sort of
that’s so long revisit
let’s check and see
if anything’s
changed up there
but people look at it man it’s like a technological
jesus you’re not supposed to question it it’s a deity
it’s a technological deity
well yeah i mean but at the same time we’re also in the
space race with russia we had to beat them at something
yeah but did we even or were we even
you know at
the highest
levels and i wonder
if we’re gonna find a
shit in wikileaks
at the highest
levels i wonder
how much corroboration there is between governments
i wonder how much of
the fucking cold war is just to keep everybody in line
you know who knows who knows how much at the highest
level there was actual real communication
and exchanging of information you know
i don’t fucking know man
i don’t know i
would not pretend
to know i know exactly what’s going on
because then you know people say well if the russians
weren’t in on it
why didn’t they rat america out
i don’t know you know
that doesn’t mean they didn’t fake it
you know there’s a lot of fucking shit
and it could
never come out
now because if the government can lie
about that then what else
can they like
everything from 1969 is
cheaper easier and faster to do
today except
go to the moon
it’s like there’s nothing else
the jets are faster the weapons are better
the technology is better for communication
everything’s better
except space travel
and everybody’s well that’s because it’s a lot of money
maybe maybe
it’s possible that that’s
all it is it’s possible that everybody just looks
for a conspiracy and
everything and it’s like
you’re just looking too hard and it’s just it seems
crazy but it’s just because
there’s an atmosphereless
object and it’s out in
space maybe
or maybe they
faked it that’s possible too there’s a lot of
weird shit to it
there’s a lot of
weird shit but the fact that neil armstrong becomes
some sort of a recluse and stops talking to people and
buzz aldrin goes insane
buzz aldrin became like a serious alcoholic
after the moon landings
so weird fucking there’s a lot of
weird something has
to get into your head to make you turn this way yeah
there’s a lot of
weird shit with the fucking
lunar orbiter
the lunar module
you ever watch like them try to do that
thing on earth
there’s a famous
video footage of
neil armstrong in that
thing and he ejects
and it falls to the ground explodes and blows up with
flames but damn that
bitch worked
like a charm when they were up there on the moon though
they got that
whole re engineered
and figured out perfectly so it worked flawlessly
on every mission
maybe then there’s the
prime minister of holland was
given a moon rock by neil armstrong and
buzz aldrin and
they fucking
recently like within the last couple years they
found out that it’s not a moon rock it’s petrified wood
this is in a plaque
given to them by the astronauts
like here we’ve
brought you back a souvenir from the moon sir
why i picked this one myself
i chipped it off and we brought it to you because we
value the relationship that america has
with your country
females a piece of petrified wood
yeah i got duped into buying a watch that
a moon watch
allegedly made from the face of
the surface of the moon
from a moon rock
really i saw one of
those i saw it was in one of those
super rich guy
magazines yeah
like it’s got ferraris on the
cover the dupont registry
you know yeah
was that where you got it from no i was in a
store that sold high end watches
tell me more what happened i’m a
watch nerd so i was like
this company
romainger jerome
how could they possibly get moon rocks
i don’t know that’s
the meaningless
i mean you know it’s a federal
crime to be in
possession of moon rock
allegedly there was one
point in time
where they had
auctioned off a
piece of moon rock
and they just grounded down and made
watches out
of it this company
took it and made the inside face of the watch
oh really just like a little thin
layer of it
and then they made it to
shape like the moon and
and then i and that same company got a
piece of the
titanic that was auctioned off
and and they made the bezel of the
watch with a
piece of the iron from the
titanic wow
that one’s more
believable for
that’s totally believable
well i mean i
guess they did
bring back no matter what even with unmanned
spacecrafts the russians brought back
a bunch of moon dust
you know not a
bunch like enough to make 100
000 fucking
watches but
there’s enough to
study you know
the whole subject
is such a controversial subject because it’s
one of the very few subjects
where people immediately
think you are fucking crazy
if you even
think about it
yeah and that’s a
weird thing
whenever you get a subject that’s like that
where if you if you even consider it
if you don’t even take a
stand if you consider it you’re a
quack and a
crazy person
it’s like there are
things like that like the hollow
earth yeah there are
things like that but even the hollow
earth i’ll listen to what they have to say
it sounds completely insane
but i’ll listen to it
when i listen to my brother
i just that hurts and
would you hear
sound like a door fucking see i am
in or knocking or something
the fucking cia
bro it’s nasa
they’re coming they’re coming for you
you know and it’s one of
those things
where you a lot of people
don’t want to talk
about the subject
because if you pick a position
or if you do
agree that there’s some anomalies and there’s some
weird shit to the
photography
the photography
it looks like they’re in spotlights and
you know there’s all
these discussions about
intersecting
shadows shadows coming from different
light sources yeah that kind of
stuff i find a little corny but
it is a little corny but the spotlight shit’s not corny
it’s like yeah this guy is very
clearly under a
light source
and there’s also
photos where it looks like a guy is very
clearly filled in
like the idea of the moon is that it’s supposed to be
and it’s like
this is a really extreme contrast a lot of the
photographs
of dark and light
except when there’s astronauts involved
when they want a nice
clear shot of a guy coming out of a
lunar module meanwhile the sun is behind him he
should be in darkness
it’s a lot of
tricky shit
and a lot of
people will come up with excuses they’ll say well it
could be this
the contour of the surface of the moon
reflects light
yes it could be that
or it could be there was a dude
standing there with a big fucking
piece of aluminum foil
and he was making sure the light
fills in that
photograph cause they were doing it in the goddamn
movie studio
that’s possible too man what do you
think area 51 is for
it’s all for developing weapons
that’s what i
think i think all
those things that people keep seeing in the sky that
it’s ufo man
those are easily
could be drones
you know that to me is more likely than
aliens wanted us so badly they wanted
human fetal
tissue so badly
that they were willing to give us
fucking flying saucers
yeah like come on man i don’t believe
there’s been over 11
flying saucers of
crash that we have
possession of
really okay
really matt
could see one crashing
i could see i
could see a bunch
crashing over the course of
human history but i
think there’d be some evidence
i don’t think you’d be
able to hold that back people have stories about shit
but i don’t know if i believe him i need to talk to him
about a lot of other shit
you know you
start talking to me about ufos
i need to know what you think
about ghosts
you know i need to sit you down and you know do you
think that you can read minds do you believe in
palm reading
what about tarot cards
i’m not into that
stuff yeah but you
know i’m saying when i’m talking to a dude who believes
in ufos i need to know if you believe in chemtrails
motherfucker
i need to know
if you believe in a lot of weird shit
you know are you one of those
weird shit believing dudes
cause there’s a lot of people that just love to believe
in crazy shit they just
look forward to to be more interesting
yes it’s sexy
aliens are sexy
so so hot right now so hot bro
i mean isn’t it two thousand
twelve is sexy you know anything
crazy and unknown
bigfoot sexy
loch ness monster sexy killer
whales aren’t sexy they’re a fucking seaworld all
right it’s easy to get to
they see him all the time
but they’re just as fascinating if you didn’t know
you know if you didn’t know that an animal
existed that’s almost as intelligent as a man
that has this incredibly varied language
speaks with sound
it actually
breathes air but it lives in the middle of the ocean
and it kills fish and fucks up sharks
you’d be like whoa this is real that’s
would be way
crazier than a lot of animals that are mythical
like the loch ness
monster what was that fucking
pussy do that
piece of shit i don’t even know what that
i’ve never bought into a button
i’ve never bought into the loch ness
monster cryptozoology is a weird
field because there are
things that we have not discovered
definitely there’s that fucking gorilla that they’ve or
the chimpanzee they’ve recently discovered in the congo
a giant bondo ape is huge chimpanzee
over the last
couple of decades they figured out there really is this
giant subspecies of chimpanzee
so they can’t
yeah so now it’s like six feet tall
but they can find
things there’s a few
things that are out there like
in new guinea they
found like some
crazy fucking
frog and some
weird you know
psychedelic looking animals and if they find
weird shit in like rainforest and
in places there’s
stuff that we
still probably
haven’t seen yet but there’s not a lot
you know it’s not a lot of
stuff it’s not
it’s not like the old days
some of the old days when they discovered gorillas like
what the fuck is that
that happened man
it was like not that long ago
where they discovered gorillas like you
gotta be fucking shit me
nobody knew this europeans
man when they went to africa for the first time
do you know how fucking
crazy it must have been the
first time they discovered a gorilla
you know they’re
walking to what else is here john welders
ants the size of your hand fred
give me the machete
let’s hack through some
what the fuck is that
just a big giant silverback
comes running at you and they have to
shoot it and they fucking kill it and
put it up on ropes and shit and
carry it a big log to the village
what the fuck is this
and they’re like that is our family how to
discover that shit dude
people back then that
lived around gorillas they
weren’t writing books they didn’t write shit
didn’t even you know they didn’t have any paper
they had a religion no
did they i don’t think they even did
the people that live in the congo
what kind of religions do they have in the congo
i don’t know
people that like those people that like
you ever see the people that like hang off of trees
and catch fish
from the river with nets it’s fucking nuts
hang upside down
they just hang
with their hands and feet
they’re barefoot
these people are living like they lived
100 000 years ago
and they do that to
still to this day there’s all this
video of them too people have gone there and
even video in
black and white like way back in the 40s and the 50s
and these people
climb out on these trees
that hang over the congo over the river
and they’re
literally they fall in you’re dead man you’re fucked
and there’s all
these people and
loved ones and they’re
catching fish with nets
and they’re
just so good at it they’ve been doing it for so long
it’s like they grew up
climbing on
these trees
hanging over this raging fucking river and
scooping fish out of it
the video you
tweeted the other day
where the guy was
climbing that
tower by the way that was
fucking scary
i hate that shit
which one there’s a
video where a dude
tribes it’s like
well over a thousand feet it’s one of those
electrical towers
was it was a
radio tower
i think it was like a
radio tower
same same as that the
empire state
building is
that what it was saying that was the same yeah
something along
those lines
is insane how tall it was and this guy was free
climbing it
you know the elevator takes you up to a certain point
but once you get to a certain
point then you have to free climb
and he was free
climbing fuck while
carrying this bag that’s like
30 pounds just
hanging like
his tools tools he’s
gotta fix this fucking thing
oh this is a real and
he wasn’t doing it for fun dude
but there’s a
whole a part
where he’s climbing
where he’s outside there’s most
some part of it
it’s the freak out is he’s inside this thing
you know inside this
this structure
but eventually he gets outside the
structure he has to
climb all the way to
the top because it gets thinner and thinner and thinner
it’s just a pole with some
things that
stick off the
side that you have to grab a hold of a handle and climb
it’s such a
freak out dude
you can see 50
miles in either
way from up there i had to turn that shit off too
did they freak you out yeah i started
freaking myself out when it gets to
a certain part of heights i’m just like alright that’s
crazy heights are
scary as fuck man
heights are
scary as fuck
there’s something
about it man it just
makes your toes curl and your butthole clenches shit
and honestly
if it was the opposite like extreme depth
i would probably be the same way like if i was like
you know the same distance like underneath
the water did you see that
video the guy free diving there’s a
video that’s online now i’ll
tweet it later on
today there’s a
video of a guy free diving and
he free dive some insane amount like a hundred meters
but i was in the
ocean yeah i
guess that’s what we can do he can do
124 meters that’s like the most he’s ever done
you know how how did he
gauge that his
watch would have stopped yeah i don’t know
is he had a
moonwalk you
son of a bitch
no they can hold
their breath for like five minutes man some of
these free divers and more
five minutes six minutes
seven minutes
underwater think
about that shit fuck that
yeah why do you want to do that man
that just doesn’t seem like a
smart thing to do
all right people at home they’re making
noise yeah i hear it
ladies and gentlemen
thank you mr
russell peters why
thank you you’re
a scholar and a gentleman and a fantastic
stand up comedian
and if people want to get in
contact with you what is the best way the real russell
p on twitter that is correct
two ss two l’s
the real russell
p at twitter
and what’s your website
russellpeters com
shazam bitches
much love thank you to
the flashlight
for sponsoring the show
thank you to
brian redband
for his tactical expertise and his
human roadblock skills
thank you to to everyone
ladies and gentlemen to all you freaky bitches
february 4th mandalay bay theater
me joe diaz ari shafir
super bowl weekend
friday night it’s going down get on in
we’re gonna have a crazy party russell
peters what are you doing on february 4th weekend
i will be in toronto on february 2nd or 3rd
are you gonna be in a corporate gig
are you gonna be in vegas for the ufc weekend
that weekend yes
yes if if i uh
if i can be i will be
if my gig’s not on the same night
yeah let me tell you right now the same
night tell me
cause it’s the fifth
the fifth is ufc the fifth is ufc
and russell
peters is a big ufc fan
did you see anthony pettis fucking kick last night
did you see what happened last
night no what
am i missing you know who anthony pettis is
showtime pettis
he’s now the new wec
lightweight champion
he fought ben henderson
and it was a
crazy back and forth
fight until the
fifth round
he jumps off the size of the k
side of the cage
with his foot
kicks off the cage
and flying through the air
kicks ben henderson in the face and
knocks him down
it was the nuttiest
shit i have ever seen
in my life no no
no it went to a decision
look at that
fucking kick
ben henderson’s a bad
motherfucker it was a
great scrap
up until that
point there was a lot of back and forth action
he had henderson’s back henderson had his back
he had henderson’s back
standing up
it was real back and forth
for a while
until the last
round man pettis
really came on
strong the last
round was pet us
you know he he he
heard him a couple times with punches
but even then in that last
round henderson had pet us on his back
it was a really interesting
i can believe he had pet
his back to
it was a really interesting
fight man there is a wild scrap
anthony pet is a bad
motherfucker
but the fact that he pulled that off was just insane
the fight was a really
closely matched
fight you know i
think pettis who did i want
definitely won the decision
ben henderson’s a bad
motherfucker too didn’t he fight
for cowboy cerone
no he’s bigger he’s 155
henderson fought
cowboy sironi
that was a great fight two
great fights
in the last one he caught him with a
guillotine he’s got a tight guillotine he’s got a good
submission game
good stand up game
pettis is just a better
puncher that was one of the big
things and pettis is wilder and
the pettis had better
success at the ground too
he was able to hold onto henderson a little
bit better than henderson was able to hold onto him
close it was
good it was a fucking you know it was one of
those matches where
even though
you know yes
the decision was the correct decision like man
while it was happening it was so suspenseful because
because both
guys were so good and so much action was going on
and both guys knew that you couldn’t fuck up even for a
second cause if you did you
would get jacked
like for one guy
would make a mistake the
other guy would have his back
you know one guy
would make a mistake the other guy
would be on top
you know it was a really high paced
really exciting fight
until that last kick
that was the nuttiest
shit i have ever seen in my life
that was pretty crazy
it’s just a few
seconds to go in the last
round the superman
punch out kicks
it’s not major extent
that guy’s he’s
on another level
this is the new level
this is back you know when
hoist gracie was around and you know
if i triangled
triangle dan severn off his back and i was like this is
crazy he’s on another level
this is the next
level the next
level is dudes are jumping off the cage
and fucking kicking you and you got all
these kids that just
studied mma
their whole life they didn’t
study one or the
other well he actually
started out a taekwondo black belt
the taekwondo guys just
think there’s a couple a new guy
named john mcdesey
too fought in
toronto or in montreal rather
and he’s another taekwondo guy too he’s got
these wild ass fucking kicks
these taekwondo
guys would take
crazy chances
well most of it sucks
most of it is like
the problem with taekwondo is you
gotta keep your hands down
everybody keeps
their hands down that’s how they
fight and it’s
mostly you can only kick to the face you can’t
punch the face
so it’s a really unrealistic
style i mean that’s what i
started out as
that’s what i did a long
period in my life
but what’s good
about that is you’ve developed
crazy leg dexterity
and you developed the ability to do that
shit no you
never try to kick
my legs are terrible
you know the
only the best most effective kicks are to the legs
yeah you know like muay time yeah side
side of the knee if you want you want to take some shit
right you know i’ll
get i want to go
after we get off line i’ll tell you exactly
where to go
hook it up after he tells me
where he lives
because you can’t know you fucking
dirty freaks
all right that’s the end of the show it
should you had to end eventually and now it does
i love you bitches
i love everybody i love
brian i love
russell peters
i’m glad to have
i’m very fortunate to have such cool friends thanks sir
thank you let me
give you one
brian i don’t want to
leave you hanging
and thank you everybody
thank you for
tuning in and
we’ll see you soon
i’m healthy
i’m healthy
i’m not sick anymore so
that’s it for
this weekend we won’t have any this weekend but we’re
gonna have a
bunch next week
i got a lot of
people on tap
greg fitzsimmons contacted me we’re
gonna do one with greg fitzsimmons
we’re gonna work in
who else brian
we’re gonna try to get
brian passane
brian postane we’re
gonna work on him maybe
liza slushinger
liza slushinger
and oh nick schwartz and nick schwartz
and there’s a lot
i want us to get
birth chrysler
too so who can get him larry
we got a lot
of people bitches we got a lot of shit happen
thank you very much for all the love we love you back
see ya bye bye