The Joe Rogan Experience #65 - Joey Diaz


granulate goddamn dj mix master character

recording no no

calm down fella calm down

keep it together son there we go making noises here

we going yes is it for real

early 90s another cut to move oh yeah

another beat that’s so

strong hold on and

i get wicked in this song stir up shit is the weakest

wisdom people

coming up i’m straight up

pro black and it ain’t no joke

coming straight

from the pro

black and it ain’t no joke bitches

how we doing here

this guy was good man whatever happened to paris

he went to paris he’s done

i need to get a paris t shirt respect

hey just released a new

album looks like in two thousand nine oh really

one sixteen point seven

somebody tell me is paris on twitter

can we find this man

we perhaps resurrect

what was what was once at much greater heights

what can we do joey

we’ll put them on tour with orange juice jones

orange that the fuck joe

right there orange juice jones

paris and somebody else

how many songs did

orange juice jones have though

half for one

he didn’t have a whole song he

would just open up then and

paris would take that thing over

yeah you have to have him open

the audience

how about a round of applause for the soldiers you know

all that shit

kill time a round of applause for the wait staff

how about a

round of applause for all the sex and ladies in their

house there’s a lot of black dudes like to do that in

their act a lot of people like to do it a lot

of people like to do that give big rounds of

applause where’s all the party people who’s drinking

who’s got hiv go fuck yourself

bust this motherfucker

out thank you did you hear the

thank you please

thank you for being here welcome

to joe rogan

experience flashlight

as you fuck as know was sponsored by

flashlight you

don’t need to fuck your hand no more you can fuck a cup

that has hair in it or whatever it

looks like a big

gulp and i seen the blue one and i finally watched

pieces avatar now i knew what the blue one was for

i didn’t watch the

whole avatar yet here it is

that’s a little asshole

one you know what i’m saying i wonder if they’re

gonna get away with this

whole blue alien

pussy thing

people like that i

think they already did

they got away with it

how’d they get away with it well it’s just a blue

alien you guys are the

ones that are making

reference to

that but didn’t they have like images in their site

that looked like

that that was from a movie

porn parody

and did they

sell that porn parody with this

no i don’t i

think that was just they were

in conjunction with it like

you know they were

i think they were selling it

really yeah

i don’t know

maybe they were in conjunction but either way

i mean it’s certainly implied

well i have no

issue with it

i think it should be accepted

under the laws of parody

you know if you can make a parody of something you

should make

a fake pussy or something too

a double clip

pussy is a goof

parodies are

weird to me i don’t

understand how

it works like there was a bobblehead recently that was

steve jobs bobblehead

and only like 300

were made or something like that and they

put a stop to it because it was a likeness of somebody

you know and that but it was a parody

it wasn’t it didn’t look

exactly like him it was like a big head bobblehead but

i guess that was considered too much of a parody

or something

using your likeness

that’s a weird line

right you can goof on someone

but if you’re selling

things when you’re goofing on them

what happens like if you do

like what if you were like

jim brewer and jim

brewer did that joe pesci impression

remember you do that

impression all the time

right and he

started selling t shirts

that said like joe pesci

says go fuck yourself and it’s him with

that expression

that parodies are parodies though

and they’re making

money off of it but yet

you can’t sell a bobblehead that looks like steve jobs

well that was

steve jobs cause he’s

steve fucking jobs got more

money than god he shut them down yeah

but avatar has more

money than god

maybe they’re just not

maybe they’re seeing avatar

as like a fake

character that someone has constructed so it’s

you’re allowed to have a parody of that

and not of a guy who’s not an


absolutely figure

cause he’s just a person yeah

but then how did they do like george bush shit and like

i don’t know i

think maybe

it’s public domain when you hit like a certain height

like when you get to be like george bush

famous maybe you become public domain

maybe you could just sell bush sucks

t shirts with his face on it

i don’t know how does that happen

do you think they do them and then just get shut down

like they just the

state department comes

after him just say stupid

you can’t sell george bush

t shirts asshole

well then we’ll

close up shop

the state department won’t say that to you what

those motherfuckers do is

put an audit on your ass you know what i’m saying

did you hear

about that fucking

guy in iran that went to jail for like i

think it was six years

because he made a movie

about the corruption

during the elections

mm hmm it’s fucking sad story man

you know anybody complains

about america and how fucked up america is

all this wikileak shit

right yeah it’s fucked up but

it’s the best of the fucked up

places you know you can make a

movie about

insurance or you can

make a movie

about fucking bashing people here but in other

countries that don’t fly though

yeah they really didn’t fly

they lock this fucking guy up

with that whole election man you remember all the

riots that they were having i don’t know the

exact particulars but it was

it’s very clear that

this is serious

corruption the corruption

levels in those

places is just

so mind boggling

yeah go vote but the box is already

stuck with ballots yeah

you know what i’m

saying it’s like that one yeah it’s so fucking corrupt

you know so

those places are

so bad people

live in hell anyway

so this guy that got put in jail he knew that there was

gonna be consequent

he just thought he was fucking cute

you gotta be careful though yeah

well yeah he thought

he was cute and he was trying to make a change but

i don’t know if that’s how changes gets made i mean i

guess it is

man i mean it has to be the overwhelming

will of the people to bend back a corrupt government

i mean it takes an incredible amount of

effort to bend

back a really corrupt government the key is to

never let it get too corrupt

because people like

all the laws are in

place i mean what’s really important

about them is to keep shit from getting out of hand

because once

it’s get out gets out of hand it can stay out of hand

people get really used to anything

you know the people in liberia

just like the people here

they’re just growing up in this fucking insane

war zone chaos cannibal environment with

fucking warlords and guns in little kids hands

and they’re just

shooting people and

you know they get used to that though man

you get used to

that it’s very difficult to turn that into this

the key is to

never let this become that

because if it does become that

then that becomes the norm it

would take hundreds of years to turn light

barrier around

yes it would take

hundreds of years you can’t

just you’re not

gonna go in there with a regime and just we’re

gonna stop you’re

certainly not

gonna go in there with

boxes of rice and fix

everything you have to fix

these people as

human beings you have to

the influence of all

these people who have experienced murder

i mean that’s

just through it permeates through the entire

culture all

these people have experienced

horrific murders in

their lives

when you have a

whole culture like that you have this guy

general buck

naked you ever

heard of that guy story

he’s from liberia

general buck

naked used to

take off all his

clothes and fucking

fight naked

and go shoot

naked and he

would find a

an innocent

child of the

enemy and then they

would kill it and eat parts of its body and drink its

blood what an asshole

no bullshit okay

and this guy you know

this guy was

just running through

these countries or

these territories having

these fucking

horrific wars and they all saw this shit and

everybody’s seen like terrible terrible

things happen in

liberia and

if you try to take that guy or

try to take any of

those people

and try to turn them around and make them like a normal

everyday person

it’s virtually impossible the guy

shoots people fucking

naked yeah you know he’s got a 12 inch dick he’s

black he’s running down the

street shooting

other fucking

people and you know you can’t i mean it’s a terrifying

story different


these people are cannibals

those people fucking at them and they’re used to it man

and this guy’s become like a crusade

christian it’s really kind of

crazy cause he’s

still out you

know i mean

even though everyone

i mean he admits to all these

crimes and all the shit that he’s done

he’s still just kind of

walking around and everybody’s like well shouldn’t we

lock this guy up he ate

babies right

and there’s a

video of him talking

about eating babies now

the cannibalism that’s done there like

that and that type of

is the cannibalism done

for some of it for

hunger and the

other part is to kill the spirit so

you conquer that

motherfucker yeah there’s a lot

the whole of it

just there’s a lot of that you just i’m

gonna kill brian and eat his fucking hey here

yeah we never

could come back to get me ever

again that’s part of it you know what they’re talking

about he’s an ill is


it just shows a

certain amount of ferocity

you know a certain amount of ferocity

you want to kill someone and eat and eat them yeah

i mean it just

i mean what they’re doing is they’re participating

in the most ferocious war zone in the world

and in this war zone in africa man

some of the fucking

civil rights violations some of the horrible

things that happened there

when you read

about i think they call them the hutus

and the tutsis there’s

two these two warring

tribes that have been

after each other forever

they participate in machete attacks

where they go into villages

while everyone’s asleep and they hack them to

death with machetes

i mean dude

there’s some

crazy apocalyptic shit

going down in africa

and it’s been

going down for two thousand

fucking years and that’s a

mother the problem

is it’s already happened it’s too late it’s like

the culture’s so fucked up

everything’s so

crazy it’s like

how do you stop it from ever getting to that spot

that’s what we got to make sure

and every little fucking

creep of corruption

every little grip that we lose

every little time that something fucking gets away

every time that the corruption gets

worse and worse

we get closer to that

that’s the ultimate

the ultimate end of

the horrible

attitudes and ideas of society is that eventually

society degrades to some fucking

crazy mad max type situation

and that’s why

that’s such an appealing theme in movies

because we know that

everybody just got to keep it together so that this

doesn’t happen because this is a real possibility

but let me tell you something i don’t know

about mad max i seen

that fucking

movie with denzel washington the un and

about oh eli

because he’s the

worst fucking

piece of shit

i watch 15 minutes of that

denzel you shot your low with man on fire

thank fucking god

is that whatever i don’t even like

those movies

it don’t make no

sense to me

road warrior was good

i could see

fighting for gas and

stabbing motherfuckers on the 101

that i don’t mind

killing somebody on the 405

that cuts you off in a fucking bad car and shit yeah

well brian to

build me one of

those helicopters and shit

but that shit walking around and out

the baddest

motherfucker with guns and

knives and it was

and wasn’t he

blind to was i don’t fucking

blind he was horrible with the swords

get fucking

blade to go in there

teach how to stab a


blade badass


when he was in there with the

sword by the way he’s doing time

is he in jail

right now yeah he’s he had a report

i believe he’s in jail

anybody know

where they have

you gotta pay your

taxes ladies and gentlemen i don’t give a fuck if you

think it’s a scam

it seems like it is it seems like man this is

the mob i’m getting worked over why do i have to pay 48

cause you do

alright just

throw in everybody has to

throw in yeah it’s

kinda corrupt yeah we’re not exactly sure

where it all goes yeah

it’s kinda crazy that you don’t get to vote on

where your money goes but

throw the fucking

money in you

crazy asshole

forty eight percent is what keeps this

from turning into f

yes yes always remember that that 48

and even then i mean people

getting hookers with it you know that congressman

getting their dicks up then whatever but

just put it behind you and pay your

taxes cause that’s something that

people don’t

concentrate on too is like as far as like government

a big part of what government is is providing jobs

there’s a lot of people that need jobs

and if you’re

gonna get that tax

money the best way to get that tax money

is to make more government jobs make more

unnecessary jobs

so you give

money to people now here’s something

you better know

about this wesley snipes

pissed somebody off

well he looks to

somebody you can’t not pay your

taxes for like

seven years when you’re a huge

movie star you

can’t that’s terrible

it’s what happens after that

the government

doesn’t want to put you in jail when you make

those type of

yeah but they

do if you’re you’ve taken a

stance he took

some crazy stance

he wrote something on the letter

he also sucked his dick they took my bill

that’s what they did

no they go out

yes he did he did they

go after you

big time do you know this happening

yes no this is a true

story he wrote

something like

road suck my dick

like something when he

made he didn’t

think he had to pay

taxes he was

like in england or something whoa

it’s something

stupid that’s

crazy listen

listen let me tell you i didn’t pay taxes for

after ninety one i got divorced and i became a

comic and that was my

point was to become a fucking outlaw

so i didn’t want to pay

taxes and i was scared shit

i didn’t pay

taxes from ninety one

to two thousand

four i walked in that building

when you said that outlaw

if we were on the ball we

would have had some clinics with movie

sound playing in the back no no

no no you know

when you when i

first read the lenny

bruce book and i like that

whole patois

to me it seemed like he disappeared

he was a comic that disappeared and i like that idea

just disappeared

like you used to say he’s gone

i don’t know

where he is we can’t get a hold of him

and i always like that so i stopped paying

taxes i wouldn’t make any

money those years

i think it was one year i made money one

went down there

the government

was very nice to me they gave me a payment plan

they took the ten years i didn’t pay and said don’t

worry about it

or you gotta go back in

seven years and not till

today i pay a

monthly juice

every month

how much you know

i owed after

everything i

think i got up with 8 000

i knew a lot of

comics and i had problems with

taxes in boston because in boston they got paid in cash

so a lot of guys for years

they just lived

high on the hog and

never did anything

about it and they just figured out

oh they’ll come get you they’ll

knock on the door eventually

i know so many comments

they always

knock on the door you know that

when you win the lottery and they were making good

money there was a time

i wasn’t at that

level but the the

when when i was coming up like

right as i was coming up when i was like just barely

starting to get paid work

the headliners in town could do

there was a next comedy stop

they would do i

swear to god they

would do five shows a

night man they

would go from one room to the

other room they had

two rooms downstairs and one room upstairs and would

shuffle people in all night

and the fucking shows

would be packed

these guys were making

crazy money and it was all cash

they were all just

raking in the cash and they just

never put it aside

never fucking put

those taxes aside they just

spent what they had

and they just didn’t do anything

about it and before you know it they were fucked

you know they

owe a hundred thousand dollars or something

crazy oh they send you a bill that’s

oh they send you

a bill to make your head go

out of the fucking road yeah you don’t realize america

you make a reality a hundred

grand a hundred grand

you know a few years in a relic a lot of

these guys are making

you owe a lot you owe a lot of money

you owe a lot of money

that’s when when you

start working for yourself

you really start noticing like what

taxes really are you like wow what a

giant chunk

but if i would pay it

willingly happily

if i thought that we were all working in the

right direction

and then everybody was trying to clean the

world up and make people nicer

and stop all the douchiness

and clean out all our fucked up laws and i

would pay it all fix the streets

if you’re doing the right

thing with it i’d be more than

happy to give up half my money

but i don’t

trust you fucking cunts

that’s the problem you can’t

trust them the people that want to be in positions of

power should

never be in positions of power

anybody who wants to be the president

what the fuck is

wrong with you

you wanna run everything

really fifty thousand a year and you got kids

and you got kids is that what the president makes two

fifty yeah i mean i

guess i get the idea of on

paper something it’s five i think it’s five hundred

maybe less so brock

leslie got half of that for catching a beat

he got two hundred thousand

he got well he got two hundred thousand on

paper yeah well

everything sort of

he has like pay per view deals and

right when it’s a

thousand on

paper yeah i don’t know how they work the the pay

scale it’s very very tricky

they do it i gotta tell you something

well we came here

today cause you always say to me

every fucking time you come here

you always have a fucking

story i don’t even know

where you get it from i don’t know

where you get these stories

incredible i’ve

known you my

whole life and you keep

coming up with

new stories we came in tonight and i seen your family

and i was really nice to see him when i seen your wife

it was funny the

first time i met your wife we met in

vegas at the riviera

and we were sitting there

having a great time

you know what’s coming oh yeah and some chick

it kept talking to us and she was really

annoying and

it turned out to be a guy that had become a chick

and was part of that theater

group and next to the

dirty show where

women take their

clothes off she showed us

but she showed us

but back me on this she

was beautiful she looked good she looked like a girl

and then they sued her

because or she got

fired because they

found out she was a man

before that and then she

tried to sue the riviera

or whoever it was and there was one

point at night

where i go you know

at that time i was really

crazy i had no blow and i’m like come on show me a

monkey and she showed me and joe her pussy

and she just had a

whole board

like they took

where her dick was cut it off and took a

board drill

and took that

piece of meat out and then they took artificial

turf and they

put it around this hole

and it had no clit to it like the clit you

can see was

stitched on

and here’s the

funny thing like i thought

about this i took it to my room

afterward to get high with it

and you know what if i

would have done coke and

drink i would

have had to suck my dick just not a general purpose

for the story you know saying

cause she look

great guys she was a

trans you she was

the best description for you said

it looks like a bat with its

mouth yeah with his

mouth open it look like this fucking you

she went back to your

hotel room though

after we were all hanging out there was a

bunch of comics hanging out all

right somebody

said do you have weed or whatever and it was me

the guy from schni glitz

hey what’s that what’s that kid’s name

that he was with us that

night he was big what is

schni glitz

show no he did that he was

the riviera has a couple different rooms

and it was me and you in the

dirty room and the big room

was that kid that beat

it was good friends with

harris pete

he lived in montana

and he did that oh rich schneidner

rich schneidner

something like that no

no no no no

no and you’re not talking

about southern

black children no no

bub rich hall

rich haul yes and then

i remember we were sitting there you left

and we’re sitting

there both very

funny guys and nobody

on yeah nobody had weed and i go you know the girl goes

obviously she had weed

you know right

she’s like i

smoke in the fucking

hotel these

motherfuckers can’t do nothing to me

you know i’m

suing them and me her

and rich hall

went up to the room and i

remember all of us smoking dope and i’m looking at this

chick going

if i had coke

they suck both of your dicks didn’t

i watched this show

and i don’t remember what it was it was some sort

of a documentary but i remember being really high

and then i stumbled upon it

and the show was

it was all these drag

queens like a beauty contest for drag

queens in vegas

it was all transsexuals

like a full

transsexual beauty show

i was like wow this is the strangest

fantasy ever

these guys a lot of it was like some

weird fantasy thing

like this guy had he was a fucking man bro

he had this big manly ass face and manly fucking

shoulders he’s taking hormone shots and he’s

waltzing around on this

stage like a ballerina

and i’m like

this is the craziest shit i’ve ever seen in my life

this guy wants to be a

woman so much he

chopped his cock off

he’s willing to go through

hormonal replacements

you know where they

they make you actually grow

tits that’s it’s

like really like a lot of people do that more than you

would think that hormonos

thing like there’s

tons of people that do that they become

like for sex yeah i want to be a boy i saw report the

other day on it like how many people

are fuck up

yeah she started looking like ralphie may

she looks just like ralphie may

she looks just like

ralph it’s hysterical i met her once

i met her once in the sunny and cher show and

although she was pleasant

she had a very strange energy

sonny and cher show

not not sonny and cher show donnie marisha donnie and

marie did i say sonny and cher

that’s funny i was thinking

about that because of her

yeah i was on the sonny and cher show when i was one

but no donnie marisho

i don’t know how i got this too confused

but she was on it and i

was on it was me and dave foley and i remember you know

her saying hi but this being this

weird thing

like i did something

you know you ever

meet somebody and they

look at you like you did something all the time you

like i didn’t do anything what the fuck did i do yeah

like like a decline

go down what are you yeah

i mean this i mean i was not even

a notorious

person and i hadn’t done anything i was just

just an actor

just fucking

there to promote our sitcom that’s it

but there was this

weirdness you know

and it might mean nothing it

might be my own personal insecurities

it could be

but it could be that she’s this

bitch is crazy

and when it goes from there to i don’t

think i’m a

woman i’m a man and i need to okay

okay well now i

understand what that look was all about

hey let me ask you some

crazy let’s

go online i don’t know

about 10 15 years ago

they did a special on one of those

2020s about

where people go for that surgery

for what surgery

the sex change

the biggest

place is a place in colorado

and the doctor that does in

southern colorado you

gotta look this up i don’t know the

whole particular

but the guy who does it only does it on the weekends oh

jesus because during the week he’s like a farmer

what and on the weekends he does the trend

sexual oh my god i’ve seen that you’ve seen

this i saw that it

does it but it does

the operations in like a fucking a

motel room there you go

there you go it’s like

an office fucking

crazy that you

would let another guy

cut your dick off and slit you home

in a hotel room in colorado

i figured for that you either

go like israel

or hong kong

or with some

smart people you know i’m saying

but you’re gonna go let a farmer

fucking cut your dick off and tuck it in

and what it is this guy have like

a good reputation

haven’t seen this

maybe it’s just a bad

motherfucker works i know he was

booked fucking

solid oh my god he was booked solid

you had to make but it’s a process you have to go to

psychology and pills it’s not just

i want to get my dick cut off i

could do it in six

months and should you

imagine the

weirdness that you

would feel if a guy had remorse that you

cut his cock off he’s like can you go back and fix it

like whoa no we can’t we can’t we

tried those

you can’t be pissed

out of your asshole that’s a wrap son

it’s a wrap

so you’re a chick now

there’s a lot of

chicks go through life as a chick

is leather made out of animal skin

like is it animal skin

state animal

skin and you can live off eating skin for some time

right i don’t

know that’s a good question i don’t know if there’s any

nutrition in leather

i guess they’re probably some really crude

protein and

fiber i mean like you

could eat chicken skin and live off

yeah but it’s

i think it’s

a difference in the way it’s processed a lot of

points that when a letter

becomes leather i

don’t know someone out there will answer this question

i’m always thinking

like if you know you’re really poor you

could probably eat

shoot your shoes if they’re

leather shoes

people could

i think they did that in

depression i

think that was like you know

a common story

see i always thought that was just like

i say boil your fucking

shoes rice and shit potato oh come on

what the fuck

is wrong with

you back in the

depression man that must have been fucking crazy

nineteen twenties they’re all walking around you know

shoes and shit

was it the twenties

was that the

depression was

i don’t know what was

depression the

great thirties

thirties hey

man you just

gotta hunt to

catch any possums and

this creative ways to cook a fucking

rabbit you’ll

learn how the hell to do it you know

going to the see charlie chaplin tonight and

bringing two boots yeah

nineteen twenty nine

and it lasted

until the late nineteen thirties

or early 40s wow

11 years so that

shit was 11 years oh my god

that’s a lot

man famous footwear

would have been

banking dude that’s

scary as fuck man when you hear shit like that

great depression

right now because even

the title of it

a great depression that shit’s depressing man

you’re fucking bumming me out yeah

why couldn’t they pick a better name for it like the

super happy time the economic

down period

you know call it the economic down everybody’s

broke but we’re having a good time

depression is a fucking terrible word that’s just

gray film that’s what i see i see

black and white

movies with crying and

blood and suicides

did you see

that fucking guy try to commit suicide in the roman

i think was

roman parliament or something like that

the guy fucking swan dives in the middle of this

he’s in the middle of this you know

this assembly room

and he gets on top of this balcony and fucking jumps

and he lives

wow cause he only fell like 30 feet

he falls and slams into these

chairs and gets

fucked up i mean he gets

fucked up dude

and he doesn’t even try to

catch himself he’s trying to commit suicide

while he’s doing it just

lived when i

was a kid a guy at the bar i hung out with he

tried to kill himself his name was johnny reid

he jumped off like a

building he landed a construction dumpster and lived

oh my and his head

still and he

would fuck he was just

he was just retarded one day i showed him my dick

well that was like eighteen i put it on the

chair next to him i tap them on the

shoulder wow

and that was together

they never talk to me

again johnny read

it was romania

bathroom it was a

romanian parliament

sorry sup dog hmm

brian big pimping

over the holidays look at him you get you

should see it sling and

thinking give us

bubble because

it’s really crazy

the guy says

you killed our future

and then fucking swan dives

it’s nowhere near high enough to kill him

i don’t know what the fuck he was thinking

just attention i can

never imagine trying to keep

could commit suicide and

fucking up and you

gotta be around your friends and shit you

wanna see this guy

not i wanna see that fucking momo

she jumps off a

building and lives you

should be shot and fucking hunk

they should arrest you for felony

stupid when you do that shit

hilarious how committing suicide is

against the law

is it sure in america too of course

what happens to you if you commit suicide

and you fail you can’t help someone either i mean look

at that cavorkian

people who want

to die you can’t help them you can’t help them

kill themselves

even if they’re

dying even if they’re in horrible horrible

pain you’re not allowed to help them kill themselves

that’s ridiculous

there’s a certain

point in time when people are not

gonna come back

you know there’s a certain

point in time when someone’s in

terrible terrible agony

help them you know give

them some shit so they don’t have to fucking feel that

why is that so hard to do

well how can you lock someone up for that

you know but then you find out

about cavoorcan

that he was really kind of a creepy fuck

he used to draw like

these horrible

this horrible artwork like

about murders and shit really like

something like really morose

about but think

about it joe rogan

if i call you

at two in the morning you sit here your little stone

should look

down you’re watching a

movie and i call you up and say joe

i don’t want to live no more i come up by your

house i want to kill myself

you would say really come on up

i’ll help you no he’s

loose i’ll push him for the

traffic there’s

a motherfucker that

clearly doesn’t know me

ladies and gentlemen

if it’s three o’clock in the morning i see joey

diaz’s number of the call id i

go oh fuck that motherfucker that

crazy asshole what is he doing i’m going to

sleep no joey

what time did you go to bed last night

using my pool

what time did you go to bed last

night i almost called you

it’s always like four

i’ve been worse lately i’ve been like not being able to

sleep till like 5 30

that happens

you swing a

dog you up every night you

slinging dick you know i’m saying you going to parties

for me is writing

you know i get my best writing done

late at night

you know i just can i can

think better when the world’s asleep

you know there’s just something

about i can go deeper into my head

you know say i go the opposite way i gotta go to

sleep and you got up early do you

yeah i like to get up at

three like monday i got up at three

last night i got up at like three

thirty and wrote for a little

while i think my craziest shit at

night but then i get two fucking

stones i gotta go back to bed

i get so fucking

stones at three four in the morning you know

yeah and i try to keep under control like one bong hit

another one and i will lay the little coffee joey we

gotta get you in that tank

you would fucking love it

you would fucking love it yeah i like all that

piece you need to get in the isolation tank

they got one i think

they can fit in there the kid emailed me

the one you can go to the one in burbank

too there’s one kid fucking email

me your buddy what’s his name

craig crash crash yeah

what is this

float lab venice

by this okay

yeah he’s he’s the master now

after you leave the master

how do you feel can i

drive back oh fuck yeah you don’t feel

drunk or anything no

you’re a hundred percent sober

you’ll feel so

relaxed you know when i go to acupuncture

i leave acupuncture on tuesdays and

thursdays that night i don’t plan not because i don’t

but i know how

this is why i say i know how you love to get blasted

you like to get high as fuck just

blasted by myself

while you’re there you’re

eating cookies and shit i’ve had conversations with you

with this is a typical conversation with joey

like any any

given eleven p

m evening dog dog

i just ate this banana

bread i’m fucked up

i’m fucked up

i hide from my wife are you fucking

fucking doing i

say joe rogan are you fucking kidding

me are you fucking kidding me

are you fucking

so fucking blasted sometimes

you would love

an isolation tank man because when you get that

blasted and then you

climb in the tank you go on

these journeys man it’s like the most insane amusement

park ride ever

you can go on

these journeys in your own mind

like you go on

these fantastic adventures

when you’re super big

especially if you eat it

something about eating it and getting

in the tank holy shit i have hallucinations man i see

a lot of animated

things a lot of

weird cartoons play out

a lot of like

weird fucking i

mean really but really repeated

shit like it repeats itself the same sort of themes

over and over again

and a lot of

it is like animated characters it’s almost like some

crazy fucking gonzo dimension that you can peer into

when you’re super high

when you’re

super super fucking

orange suit here what are we doing i’m

taking what fucking

part time for

southwest we’re looking for nasa

you don’t even know that’s a good jacket then

ryan gave it to me for christmas

what you get it from i

gotta wear it out of respect

what you got it

from retro store and

studio city that’s just like an old

retro clip clothing

store plus when i want to say

silly things

i feel so much more comfortable saying

silly things look like this

you know i think we

should do a

whole podcast

where we just have goggles on

we just start talking crazy shit

i almost lost an eye the

other day for my cat by the way

motherfucker cats were chasing each

other i was laying on couch

cat jumps down and claw hits me

corner of eye

other corner of eye and right

below on hitting my eyelid

stuck like that

in just like almost ripped

like it was your cat’s a cunt

micro is your cat

can jump on you he was getting chased by the

other cat and listen

man you catch it

never think i

can jump on your face right

i think it was like a more of a fall jump you

gotta learn how to

smack your cat in the ass

oh dude it was so you

gotta make sure that your cat is

treating you like a

bitch your cat is saying i

don’t have to run on your shoulder

and be considerate i’ll run on your fucking head yeah

cause my comfort is more important to me than you yeah

your cat punked you bro i know that’s bullshit that’s

crazy out of nowhere

i almost this

is what you do you

gotta grab your cat

by the back of the neck

you gotta grab your

cat by the back of the neck and look at him in the eye

and say listen hooker

this shit ain’t

gonna fly okay

i’m the one who comes

with the food i’m the one who comes with the massages

you don’t claw my fucking eyes out shithead

and then put him down i’ll

never do it

again yeah make

sure you got the goggles on when you say that yeah

i’m saying so

he won’t fucking scratch you

again the eyeball he’s just

paying me back for my rodeo cat

videos i’ve been doing with him have you seen that no

this thing where he sits on the back of the

chair i just

start shaking it

and he just holds on as tight as he can

until he falls off but he loves it he just

jumps back up and he’s like do it

again do it

again oh so it’s like a game you guys

play yeah it’s

cool it’s like earthquake

so you have little

agreements with

cats like games that you’ll play with them

like i have one cat like i there’s an

agreement when i get her on her back and i

shake her stomach then

she’s allowed to bite me and kick me

then we’re playing

they’re playing like bite me and kick me yeah you

know it’s like we know we both know what we’re doing

you know she

doesn’t really bite me hard and she’s really

kicked me hard and we just like oh why you i oughta

you know it’s weird

you know what i mean you get like little

agreements with cats

you know like when it’s time to play and dogs too yeah

you know they know like you

they’re like

they know we’re playing now oh here we’re

gonna do this

thing that we always do like they don’t even know

a word of english they have no idea how to talk

but yet they

understand how fucking amazing are pets

i love it how

fucking amazing they’re

great if you take care of them man

they’re great if you love them and take care of

them if you love your pet and it’s just amazing

that’s the most

excitement i get at

three in the morning

because my kurt my cats they’re so alert at

three in the morning

they’re out

and i can feel they’re

nocturnal right i

could see them

fucking around and how they get and i get up and

and i’m like

the pope of the fucking neighborhood with the animals

i walked my wife to the

train at seven

i walked back i stopped by the two cats in the corner

biggie and choco and then

these two old

ladies have a dog and i fucking walk around the block

do you really walk a

dog man yeah cause

i’ve always loved

oh i fucking love animals

every time i come over my

house joey’s more

excited to see my dogs than me oh my god it’s

it’s something they give you

and once you have that

understanding with them

even the throw this at this is

the the dog i walk

walks around with a

muzzle thing

yeah and i just went up there one

day fuck you and your

muzzle bitch

you don’t intimidate me

right bite me

i’ve been bit before

and she’s like you can see it’s she’s like one of

those shirt

shepherd mixes

yeah and once in a

while they get

hit in the head with a hammer when they’re youngest

and they don’t come back

those shepherds

those fucking nazi dogs

those dogs can be very mean this dog she

even says it the owner even says to me she’s i can’t

understand what you have with her

i’m a criminal i know

these fucking dogs i’m an

expert on fucking dog that was a burglar jack

you gotta know dogs you know and

i have no gotta

love them and stand your

i have no fear of dogs i had a dog bite me in the face

i had a dog paw

me i’ve been bit all over my fucking body

i have no fear of dogs

i’ve been bit by a fear

of dog i got bit by

water day by a dog

did you really yeah this

i went over this person’s

house that have two dogs

that that kind of

they stay outside to guard the

house you know like there’s a fence

going around the

whole entire house

but they’re mean they’re

they’re dogs that

their family dog but they they live outside for the

majority of the time

and this dog was

barking are they big

how big are they

they’re pretty big

about your size of

well no not

like i don’t know 70

pounds yes a

little yeah big

dog big dog

and it was one of

those things

where i was supposed to go around

the back and i was trying to go through the front

and the dog sitting

here barking like

i’m like hey i’m like i

guess i’m not

gonna go through the

front and then my friend

called me goes no no go around back i’m like okay

so go around back and he meets me at the gate

but right when he opens the gate the dog just

lunges at me and bites me

right in the nipple

whoa and it hurt

and it was sore and there was like a little

you know bruising

over there but do you have

a thick jacket on yeah

i had like a

like a sweatshirt on or something like that god but

it hurt i mean it didn’t puncture skin

really but it was all

bruised the next day yeah what the fuck is

wrong with this dog yeah

i mean then

after a second he was like hey

that’s a fucked up dog because

the owner was there

and the owner and you were communicating

that dog didn’t realize that you’re a friend that’s an

idiot that dog’s retarded

but then a few seconds

after i was in there the dog

realized oh it’s friends and then was nice get a look

at your dog

no i just lick it

bitch you heard it

lick it you fucking hurt me that’s not a bad

that is cool man

it’s not cool and it came out of nowhere i always

think that was your face man

right i always

think like oh dog

lunges at you you’re

gonna be like oh you know

or something like no i was just like what the fuck oh

that’s the opposite

that’s the other side of pets man

they are animals even your cat

if your cat wanted to attack you man you

would be fucked

yeah you know

i had a feral

cat for a while

and when they’re mad and they get

crazy and they get nutty they’re terrifying

and they’re little tiny

things i’m gonna tell you

something i tell all your viewers at home

in three or four years as a burglar

i burglarized

houses with

pit bulls dolman

pinch and one

german shepherd the german shepherd ripped my hand open

brian look at the scar

look at the scar with a bob wire went

right through the fucking

thing and it ripped it open

jesus the worst

animal ever and any drug burglary any burglary ever had

was a siamese cat

really friend’s house

i didn’t i didn’t go into the

house i was outside with a gun

because i didn’t

wouldn’t let him come down he wanted to come down

all i could hear was this cat go

when he was attacking the shit out of him attack him

he come to the back and

throw the jewelry off and the cat was on his head

pulling this like till this day that guy still has

like a claw

in his head that had just grew over the skin grew over

from burglarizing

that colombian drug dealer she was a colombian

chick and and she

would always go in the room and

weigh the coke we didn’t know why why

i didn’t know i didn’t know why i kept

saying why did you go in the room

bring it out here

she would always go in the room

and that’s the

reason why she had a cat that she couldn’t let out

whoa the door was always locked

and i never seen the cat but when we’ve tried to

break into house my

buddy seen the fucking cat

so it was an attack

siamese cat attacks i

skinny one of those

skinny ugly

motherfuckers that

he was on his head at one

point he was looking

over the balcony he’s like i’m coming down the cat

will i throw the coke down he’s

throwing the coke down the jewelry

watch by watch

the cat was on his head

pulling upward

and i’ll never forget that he had the cat

bite its neck trying to pull it off his fucking head

and the cat had all four claws

into his head it was

classic i remember

going to the pawnshop to sell the jewelry

and he had blood all over his face

it’s hard to

kill a cat it’s hard it was fucking high this was the

worst animal

attack i’ve ever seen

and you think

about how strong cats are and they’re so

small you know it’s so

scary and they’re so

small imagine like a big cat

imagine a big imagine getting jacked by a mountain lion

what the fuck man

you can’t get

those you would shit your

pants if a fucking mountain lion

can they’re so

strong too that’s what everybody always says

about them too if they’re fucking monsters

the power that

everything is just too much what a

bunch of crazy assholes that keep them as pets

you know it’s not that hard to get

licenses for shit like that like in nevada mike

tyson had a

bunch of shit

he had like a

if he had a lion if he had a

bunch of shit like that

there was some dude who got arrested

in you know you didn’t get arrested he died excuse me

he was in i think he was in harlem

and he had a tiger and a crocodile

and like a bunch of shit in his apartment

dude had an apartment with a tiger in it

he had a tiger in a cage in his fucking apartment

did you hear about that

fucking did you hear about that bus recently in la

there was that bus with all the cats there was like 240

240 cats and like this

woman had like one of those in one

house storage storage

storage like you know where you rent storage

with cats filled with 240 some 50 cats

half of them were like dead and she had like

some kind of

sickness where she had to take care of all

these cats oh my god it was

crazy i was in california like two weeks ago yeah

right down the corner here yeah fucking pomona one of

those places two hundred and forty fucking cats

that’s fucked up

is it is it ever gonna be possible

to fix people of that

is it ever gonna be

are we ever gonna have a society

where there’s no people who have

250 fucking cats

dying and shit

all over themselves in a storage container

no cause that’s just is it possible

watch orders

just watch fucking

orders right but

every week what’s the difference between them and you

the best the best episode of horrors

is when they pull some up and go oh what’s this

and they pull up like a dead cat and lady goes

that’s what happened to kitty

like wait a second

your cat disappeared in your fucking house

four years ago

and you didn’t

smell it you didn’t see it it’s just

i mean you gotta

watch i don’t

watch it every day

but if i’m switching channels and hoarders is on

i fucking watch

human beings have a horrendous

smell when they’re

dying wow please

i was a kid we

lived in an

apartment building and this lady died

she just died in her

house old lady

and she was

a fucking mean cunt to by the way this old lady

and nobody was happy

happier than me she like when she died like

she was creepy creepy old lady

anyway she she died and we were walking by her

house or apartment and just stunk

the smell is so specific

and it goes

in your nose that stays that goes in your

throat it makes you

wanna get horrible it’s

worse than any

other animal smell dead

i’ve smelled a

bunch of dead animals it’s nothing like a

human humans

we got a very

particular reiki oh

god from a block away funk ass

from a block away

smelled of dead

human listen dog

when i was a kid i was about

eight or nine

i was about

eight or nine

ace living 205 west ada

treat during the week with the jews nice

white people

right in amsterdam

where your boy lives

but then in the summers i

would go to

148 to my godmother’s house

and it was two dimensions the kids on

88th street were nice kids they played wiffle ball and

organized you went up to

1480 the first

those motherfuckers

said to you

you want to see a dead body

and we go on the george washington bridge

we take our bikes to go see a body that we weren’t

gonna report

holy shit yeah we didn’t report nothing

those days that body was there for fucking weeks oh my

god i remember being

eight or nine then

come on let’s go we ride our bike come on well

here we go fucking kids and all

sudden there you go and they put

boards on top of

from a block away you can hear the

flies the flies

you can hear it oh my goodness it makes the

flies go fucking nuts and then

in 94 i had a buddy

god bless us all

working with a dump

in lynnhurst new jersey

and he made like fifty

grand of the year but he made another hundred

grand of the year

every month somebody put envelopes in this fucking

thing because they they don’t really

they don’t really

break up the recyclables

right they just dump them all

into one that’s what the mob was doing

he was working at a dumpster as part of a city job

and i’m in my way

borrowed his car wants to do come he goes dog you

wanna see a foot

like a dead body

and it was under rubble like garbage just

going into fucking that elizabeth

all that shit jersey with the garbages

so that you come off that exit

it smells like ass

you just get used to it he was used to it

you know i just walk

up to me go come on you want to see fucking a dead body

you go out for

miles there’d be rats running

right in front

of you and he’d be talking to you like it was nothing

i see a rat i shit my

pants there’s

spots where you

drive through new jersey where it

smells so bad you

know how the fuck can

this be legal

what are they doing

what the fuck are you doing that

everything smells like shit

there’s one

thing with cows that happens with cows

have you ever been by a cow farm

yeah yeah when

dairy farms and you know

where there’s a lot of cows man

my family used to live in pennsylvania they lived in

wilkes barre

like out in like kind of the

and with the row

who else had there’s a one dude who had a

whole bunch of them he’s got

patty and he’s got patty

so i would drive to go

visit them i had to pass through this

whole area where there was cows

and fucking

a it smelled bad for like a half an hour

driving for a full half an hour it just

smelled like shit

i grew up in that shit you

start getting used to it but isn’t that

okay i get that you

would get used to it but

aren’t you taking something into your body when you’re

smelling that

i mean it’s not as simple as you’re just

smelling it

right you’re

smelling that there’s particles in the air

and you’re breathing that in as well

if it’s that insanely offensive to your nostrils

isn’t that some sort of a warning

that your body’s not supposed to have it

inside of it or it’s some kind of nature’s way of

trying to get you to produce

smelling ass and so now you wanna fuck

cows or something

you know what i mean

i can smell

the ass you know how

animals way trying to

trick you you know how like animals when

they’re trying to breathe they

smell each other’s ass and

stuff like that like dogs

smell each other’s ass and like animals

smell each other’s butts

right maybe there’s some kind of

weird hidden

try never mind

you were you were talking from the sense of

fuck i did i

tried to listen to you on that i

tried to go with

you you’re talking from the

sense of like that

movie where they showed that every

i’m saying it’s

just particles

but you’re smelling this

shit has to affect

you it’s going in your body man

it’s not just

i mean it’s a fine shit messed in the

air is what it is you know i grew up by the metalines

that’s what people say

to me you should

smoke from a

humidifier bitch

i’m from the middlelands

the fuck you been a fire

that’s better for your

lungs bitch i

swear with the hudson a

humid i swear

with the hudson

did you really swim in the

hudson when i was a kid you go over there once and

twice and you jump in

and you see a seal

and you fucking come up with a with a

with an eel on top of you

you know and a foot bad as i know

it’s hard this is

twenty years ago when there was a

place towards

under the bridge like nobody goes

fishing in that

right no no isn’t

that hilarious

that that’s just accepted

it’s accepted that there’s

gonna be a certain amount of pollution

and that we’re just listen fuck this

river we’re just

gonna dump our shit at this

river there’s seven

fucking billion people living on this one

tiny island fuck the

river you can’t fish in the river

it’s accepted that that’s

pollution i

wouldn’t fucking go in there but i tell you what’s

crazy those days

puerto ricans

are coming from the bronx on the weekends there

must be someone who fishes in it

no they’re definitely people listen to you

really people will fish

but the puerto ricans are come down with a volkswagen

and take 90 people out there the conga

drum on the couch

have you ever drove by a

paper mill before yes that shit’s disgusting that is

the worst smell wow there’s a whole

association the hudson

river fishermen’s association

sounds hot is that hudson

river strike bass new york harbor

where’s that

i wouldn’t fucking swim

drink that water

nothing even that

plane that landed fucking it’s all rusty now

stop playing little

sully landed

that motherfucker

they tried to take it on a

wheel fell out that

should eat right guys

are fishing in new york harbors

that is that

right there they fish down by

the like by the village down there like over by by by

they do they do by wall

street that be fucking six

bucks that which

fish out there

by we go statue of

liberty wow

very strange

i wouldn’t need any i did see

my friend mike

astley’s one time

get an eel out of the hudson

slit it open and eat his fucking heart

what something

crazy was like

those eels look like little

snakes but he

ate an eel fucking one time

and eel’s head oh yeah they got some serious fucking

problems here

oh please pcps

chemicals discovered the

other dude talking

about all the different this is like way back

listen bro let me explain some to you

you got the

bridge you got the bridge

you got the bridge you got

new york city harlem and you got new jersey

northern new jersey you got that bridge

every day a cop pulls a kid over the kid

throws the drugs out the window

if that’s happened every day for thirty years that

waters fucked

that waters disgusting that

with george washington was there

and he shot

cannonballs at the indians across the fucking

don’t doesn’t the sewers

empty out into that to

the sewers empty out into the oceans

no what happens there

when i was a kid

there was the charles river

it’s in boston there was

a branch of it was by my house

and we used to go

there and hang

out and we were walking across this little area

and i saw something

bubbling up in the water and

and i looked

at it i was like what the fuck is that it’s

like something is like a broken something like a pipe

cause there’s like a flow of

water that’s coming up

and i see all

these things

floating in it

and then i saw a condom

and then i realized what it is i saw lumps

of shit i’m like oh my god like this is shit water

that just pouring directly into the river

it’s coming out in a big flow

like i don’t know if it was a broken pipe

or is just how

they dump it off that’s what they do i don’t

trust water no more

first of all

it was disgusting i don’t even

trust that shit in the bottle

i trust the bottle

we’re all listen bro we’re all fucked

bullshit what’s that what your buddies

penn and teller did the best show ever

about water yeah

about this water

where it comes from san antonio from some fucking

geyser and the

people say it comes from alaska but the best

was when they went to beverly hills to a water bar

and they were in there they

would take the

water from a hose

and and giving it to

these fucking momos in beverly hills

oh my god this

water is watering my

body water bars

and these idiots are like oh my god this

water i can feel the nuttiness

from france

bitch it comes with my

hoes from fucking la that’s the nuttiness from france

you know my wife is a big

water filter

300 dollar every month for

filter right

i tried to prove a

point i got a

glass of water

i filled it i left in the

cabinet for two days it was fucking

green two days later oh

did i tell you what happened to me i had a

water cooler one of

those you know like hot cold

water coolers with the chug jugs

had it for like

three years you know

never thought anything of it you know just replaced it

every time i emptied

it whatever

notice the other day

it had like this

green tint to it

like the sun was shining through the window at the

right point and i was like what that looks a little

green and i poured it in a

glass and looked at him like no it looks fine

then i went

somewhere on

the road with you came back and it looked a little bit

greener and i’m like what

that is green now

so i took it out looked inside the tank

everything looked

clean and stuff

i was starting to

freak out it

started tasting and

smelling a little weird

finally i called

the company up and i’m like you know what’s

going on here it seems like it’s getting a little

green but i look inside and

everything is fine they’re like oh you have to

clean those out like

every three

months you know that

right and i’m like whoa i’ve had this for

three years

never cleaned it at once

they’re like

they’re like yeah take it

apart so i took it

apart and just

green mold underneath the

thing just has been i’ve been

drinking swamp

water for the last there you go 15

a month and so then they’re like they’re

like no you must wash it out with bleach and all

this crap so i fucking washed it out with bleach yeah

or like put

bleach in there

what is this product

again like a

water cooler you know how like

you would get the jugs like arrowhead

water and put it

on the thing

that one of

those things you have to

clean the insides of it yes you’re supposed to

clean that i

never knew this you’re supposed to

clean that thing out like

every three to six

months is what they told me

i’ve had mine for

three years with bleach

yeah they said like a cup of

like a little

tab of bleach and mix it with

water run it through a couple times

i started running it through a couple

times and whatever happened like the bleach somehow

started eating away at some of the metal

so then i put another jug on i thought it was all

cleaned out

pour my glass of

water i look down this time there was like all

these little

black dots in there

i’m like what are all

these black spots

i found out

that the bleach had like

disintegrated something or

i don’t know

what the mold disintegrated something and now i was

drinking like

metal so i just

threw the fucking

thing out now i’m like fuck what do

i do i don’t know if i want to go back that way bottled

water seems like the way to go you know

drink it and

throw it away it’s really interesting for my

sleep apnea

machine it has a reservoir

where you put

water in it so it’s a

humidifier so it keeps your

throat moist

at night it

won’t snort it’s so

weird i’m supposed to put distilled

water in there

right and i put distilled

water in there all the time the machine’s

great i clean that once a week with bleach and the

whole thing

when i go on the road i don’t use distilled water

and it’s very interesting but i

could tell you

where who’s got the dirtiest fucking waters

after i come home from the road

really like arizona is disgusting

fuck that tucson trip we took when we go for the

ufc just last

month we went down there for something

not arizona

state yeah yeah we did the wednesday

night that no austin

austin austin

the fucking filter

was disgusting when i got back so not arizona austin

texas gray is

shit really when i went to arizona that’s why one time

i went to arizona this year when i came back it was a

three night trip

the fucking machine was gray

water so i could tell the

local water

and even if i buy bottled

water it comes back

clean but sometimes it just the

local water from the bathroom

i could tell

you just from that machine who’s got the good

water and dirty

water arizona

test recently

there was some some

study that was published that showed 31

different cities

have elevated

levels of certain chemicals that they believe

might be carcinogens

that are in the

water 31 cities

elevated levels some of them like 200 times the

level that they

think would be appropriate

and they all have prescription drugs in them yeah

yeah all prescription drugs in them people

flush their shit down the toilet right

so our dicks are

gonna get harder we’re all

gonna have we’re

gonna get headaches pregnant

think about that man

i mean they’re not

levels though

are they levels that you can

i don’t know but what if

cause like one of the

there’s no psychoactive levels of drugs that

have ever been found in the right really

isn’t it why not i think it’s like parts per million

what if it gets to the point that

birth control starts getting into the

water too where everyone who drinks

water cannot get pregnant anymore

well tony’s whores to stop

flushing their birth control pills could you imagine

if you’re such a whore you have so much

birth control pills

that when you flush them nobody can get pregnant

that’s what a whore you are you fucking pig

how about just lay off the dick

you have to take a billion pills and keep

stuff and cox in your clam

cause what they’re saying is like the prescription drug

gets in the water and it can’t get out of the

water they can’t take it out of the

water anymore can they

no so the more the longer we live the more

that chemical is gonna be put into the water to the

water to the

water side well i don’t know about that i think

it must break down over time

or does it get worse

no i would imagine i mean

if something you know it’s

gonna be getting filtered somehow or another i mean the

population of earth has doubled since what the 1950s

and so our water might be being fucked

it might be

getting fucking like we don’t even realize that our

water at one

point we’re not

gonna be able to

drink it because if we

drink it and you’re allergic to penicillin

you’re gonna

break out in hives

and everything’s made out of water

that’s filthy

scary thing they recycle

you take a shower you come out you

smell like somebody else that’s fucking

dirty water that’s recycled

when you’re drinking

when you’re eating pasta

you know and you boil

water you know that

water still that funky water from the fucking

sink yeah you know so even if you try to

drink bottled water all the time are

you really making spaghetti with bottled

water i do do you

really is that the move

probably is the move right

well they say to boil water anyway right

if you boil water comes back pretty clean and

yeah pretty clean but not everything you don’t kill

everything you don’t kill a lot of chemicals hmm

fucking water

fucking water man how does it work they need

to find a substitute for

water but anything that would be a substitute for

water would be made from

water joey do you know anything about the juggalos

what’s the juggalos do you not know anything

about insane clown

posse nothing

this is a crazy move

gonna learn you it’s a crazy movement

there’s fucking millions of these guys

following the insane clown

posse all around the country

wearing makeup and shit

and they’re all like this motley crew

of unfortunate

tattoos and

just fucking

strange dental

structure and yeah

they’re a trip man

it’s a giant fucking movement now why did you bump into

these people

i didn’t bump into them i’m just like seeing it online

it’s one of

those things that like kind of

snuck up out of nowhere

so what do i have to do to become a juggalo

i gotta get

my fucking two

thousand you

gotta be into the insane

clown posse

now that’s a rap band yeah

that’s the one that dante had people

make fun of them honestly dante had a

fight with him one of

those guys i don’t know dante from hollywood

dante which dante dante

black dante how

many dante really

we know too

the comic too

okay i’m talking

about black dante

black dante

he got in a

fight with the insane

clown one of

those guys and we were telling you too

i don’t remember this tell me a

story look i don’t know the

story i don’t know i’ve

heard too many stories

now they hang out in hollywood

these people correct

i don’t know

i don’t know i don’t know much

about them this

is this happened five years ago with dante

and dante got in a

fight with one of them

dante is a big boy yeah you

gotta see him now that’s not a good move to get in the

fight with dante

he’s getting

ready for football

so he’s been running i see him football

is he forty

he plays semi pro football get the fuck out of here

when did he

start playing again

five years ago really yeah

how old is he

i think he’s

about 31 his football

he’s only 31

his bullet hole

his bullet wound is healed

that’s one of the funniest

things you could ever say he’s

ready to play his bullet wound is healed

you got shot away

how good is this c two o

this coconut

water and stuff love

it they sent me a whole case of

it i’ve been drinking that shit for two

three years i was playing this

is awesome this is the best one i’ve ever found

i like the zico

zico is good too

that was very good yeah

i’ve been buying

those in like the cartons now at the grocery stores now

carry them like almost like in milk carton type

things yeah

and then it’s like

it’s 3 99 but it’s pretty good but i

still like c2o better i just wish

you know i like this because i like it’s a big can

17 ounces what you

gotta do is take it out of the can and put it over ice

yeah that’s the patois

that’s the i like that

way it is no no no

put it over ice and you’ll see what

no no no it’s like coke one ice cubes has got fucking

cyanide in them coke

one coke one is okay but with ice cubes you

think you’re fucking

drinking coke

so you drink bottled water ice cubes too

you do that sometimes yeah sometimes yeah

i like that too my dad’s been making dacuries with it

with coconut

water his dad gets fucked up dude

my dad has a happy hour

every day he sits in the backyard

they both retired

and so so he just gets hammered every day

every day at five six o’clock they’ll sit

about have a

couple drinks not hammered but like two or

three drinks yeah gets lit

every day wow

you have take care

of yourself

huh does he take care of himself

oh yeah he works out every day

that’s why i thought it was funny

your dad’s a very

smart guy right yeah

very smart he’s some sort of inventor character yeah

engineer inventor trying to

break perpetual motion in his basement type kind of guy

kicks down a window

if he wants to

build a greenhouse and

he’ll be like i’m

gonna build a

greenhouse and just

smashes a window out and

builds a greenhouse with a hot tub in it

your car breaks down he’ll take the engine out

throw it on the ground

it’s crazy how

if the internet was

around when he was growing up

he would be a mad programmer he

would be a huge computer nerd

which is crazy because he

would have lost all those

skills you know like

building cars and tearing down walls because he

would have been addicted you could tell he

would have been addicted to the internet wow

do you ever try to get him into it now

yeah but i mean he has the same computer i got him like

seven years

ago do you ever ask him like how come he’s not into it

i think he is into it but i

think he just

i mean it’s

weird like people

having a laptop is

completely different

you know like if you had a computer in a computer room

you’ll probably

not use it as much as if you had a laptop on the

couch laptop in bed i

think the laptop is the

crack for people

once they get a laptop well your dad probably

doesn’t know

where to begin

probably doesn’t know

i mean but that’s why it’s so curious

to me that your dad is so intelligent and so curious

that why wouldn’t he be like all over the net why

wouldn’t he be online

every day like reading new

things i think

he does document i

think it does to a

point he just

doesn’t take it to the advantage because

you can’t get hooked on this shit dog there’s other

things to fucking life too

no i understand just

cause you’re

smart but you

gotta sit on this fucking

thing all day either

no no what i’m

saying is you read

something once

and why you move on with the guys like it’s a

whole life out oh no i understand

all fucking life the guys a

super curious guy that’s all saying

we’re all saying

but when you’re a guy like

brian and his dad is

a lot like brian

like you would say like man

like you don’t

know what you’re missing a lot of people they did it’s

never how was

your father

sixty something

that means that

means he’s getting one foot in the

grave on a banana peel by the time he

starts learning

about it’s like me why i didn’t take acid i

why i didn’t take ecstasy

because i was

already hooked on coke i got enough problems

with coke i’m

gonna open up a fucking

thing of ecstasy now

same thing with his dad he’s

smart enough

you don’t need to fucking look at computers

he wants to sit in the back and

drink coconut water

he just equated

a man looking to computers as to why you don’t yeah

60 something fucking years old

you think he’s got time he don’t want to be like

he wants to get his dick sucked

you know what i’m saying before he dies that’s why he’s

drinking daiquiris

and having a good time on the balcony

you want him out there with a fucking

thing like this fucking momo

playing on the

thing taking

pictures of the cats that guy’s got

one i think

did die i understand that i

think that reading

things on the

internet makes life more interesting oh i read shit

every day but i’m not

gonna live on man fucking

you know you

gotta do all this shit well

i mean yeah

for sure you have to live your life

i mean fuck that shit

being on it all the time is not the move but

not at all it’s not the

movie either no

but you can’t believe

everything you fucking read on there anyway

gives a fuck i’m

gonna sit there and

watch these documentaries

everything get the fuck out of here i’m living life

i’m doing my own


documentary i believe you like what’s his name my my

what’s his name the guy

that tina turner’s husband

like turn we’re making our own

movies you’re writing our own books fuck

these bitches you know i’m saying

you gotta be there

on the other day

about the simian fucking who gives a fuck

it’s raining for days out there that one

on one’s backed up the pieces

give a fuck

about some fucking

now joey when are you

going to eventually

move off of my

space because i’ve noticed you

still do your blogs on

my i’m never

going off my

well here’s the deal if my

space goes away

then it goes away then i’ll burn that they’re

gonna take away all your blogs

i got them on i got on my wordpress don’t you

think it’s dealing with

some fucking novice relax

what’s with the question you

ready for the

school fucking paper

it’s christmas go on fucking

watermark com

brian why do you care if he’s on my because

i tell you why i don’t want to go on two different

things i tell you guys why

because my twitter people

a little fucking

crazy and i like you

motherfuckers that’s why i put the blog on twitter

after i do it on myspace

my facebook people got family

people on there they got people have kids on there

and they look at a lot of shit so i

gotta be careful what i say

which is perfect

that’s why myspace i’m proving the fucking

point that we

gotta stop being

sheep people

you gotta stop jumping on the next big fucking thing

you know by the time

by the end of the year we’ll

have 10 fucking gs on an iphone you got all of them

you gotta relax you

gotta control yourself

this is what i’m gonna

stick to for a

while i’m just

gonna say that

i’m just gonna say i thought

i didn’t know you had it like too

bad because my

space in my opinion one day is

gonna go way oh

please it’s garbage

it’s garbage and i didn’t want you

to lose all

your shorts

gonna go away

dude it’s pretty bad they’re

i mean people back hands off

they’re just

drowning in loss right now

really money

isn’t that incredible

that they used to be so huge just a

short period of time ago

that is the most fickle

thing i think i’ve ever seen but that’s

society nowadays i know we’re on something for six

months and we move on

that’s not good anymore

who fucking told you it wasn’t facebook

starting to go down a bad path though lately

have you noticed that i’ve been getting like spam

from fucking

comics and bob

levy or whatever his name is called leaving land

i think i’ve

blocked the guy

i’ve unfriended the guy

but somehow i’m

still getting

fucking two messages a day

about leaving land

usa and i’m like all

right this is impossible

no that’s cause

bob levy’s my friend i go

into your settings and i fuck yeah you probably do add

i got him every time

but that’s a perfect

example is bob

on here oh no

he got rid of bob

put him back in

here that was the beginning

stages of myspace

if every fucking week we come

out with a new fad and a new fucking thing

we gotta put the foot down joey i’m just

proud of you that you’re online

i remember when you

weren’t even online

i remember when you

wouldn’t make text messages i remember you i

still don’t do text

you tell him

i have a phone

the page is fine

page is fine i don’t need a

fucking phone

no fucking phone

i want people calling

me and telling me shit so you stop text messaging

yeah i cut it out

what happened

because people too much stupidly

text message me

if there’s a dollar bill number at the end of it yeah

don’t text message me some

stupid shit i’m waiting for you

under the light just

call me don’t text message me some shit that makes me

think you just

need a hug yeah i don’t need that shit my way

you know somebody sends you a message

it’s like on facebook i love facebook i love twitter

but somebody says they

wanna have a conversation on that i don’t wanna have

a conversation on facebook

tell me what you

gotta tell me

i’ll tell you and move on with your life

then they write you back

thank you for

what the fuck

let it go move on to the next fucking momo

you say how long do you want a

city i can’t do that i can’t do that at all i don’t my

ad you don’t type that well either

right so i type

you know i type i’m better than i was before

i took type in

two years of typing in high

school but that was

twenty years ago and

thirty million fucking joints you know

i did it from

mavis baking

teaches typing i used a computer program that’s how i

learned it’s fun

they make it like a game

you know that’s how i

learned it i’m not that good though

i’m decent i know you’re really good i see you

you’re very good i just

you know i’m having a good time with the computer i

write a lot on the computer but no more text messaging

not too much

they abused

it right those

fuck listen

i just don’t like people that they use this business

that’s why i didn’t like i didn’t

like you know if you

think you want me to do your fucking show call me

hey are you available tuesday

the eighth i just

hurt my ear

tuesday the eighth

this is business i don’t want no mix ups

you know what i’m saying

right i understand

yeah i understand that yeah i

agree just call me

you said something a couple of weeks ago

that i don’t

understand you told

me you told me you go you don’t

understand joe when you get busier

the computer bitch

when you were doing news

radio there was no computer you were getting

sus was calling you direct

direct call me

bitch right well

text me you can

definitely get more

things i know

because call me

i’m sick of calling me

i’m almost if i

could take that as an option out i will probably do it

there’s certain

things though that you have to get done yeah

conversation yeah i don’t like

but for the

majority it’s like

certain conversations

i get in conversations on a message

board and i

go fuck what kind of can of worms and i open up here

because this is

gonna take a long

time to really

truly explain

a very very involved subject

that’s too wild i can’t i don’t have the time man

not only it’s not even a time

thing i don’t have the

effort i’m too

focused in too many different areas like i try to

on message boards

especially i try to put in as much time as i can

and talk about stuff

and go back and forth with things but

fuck man i got so much

other shit to do it’s like it’s really like

it’s counterproductive to me till i get into any

really deep

discussion those

things become a huge pain in

the ass but

also when i’m doing something i’m in a mindset

you know and the

phone rings and

i’m just like

fuck this i can’t

answer this

cause it’s gonna ruin my thought process

that’s why i like texting

cause when i’m done with something i’ll just go like

okay yes no blue purple vagina

right well that’s when you want like trivial

subjects on a message

board you want to go you know they just cured

aids with stem cells

whole and you want to look at that and just type

holy shit we can fuck with condoms with no condoms now

you know i mean it’s like you know

i’m saying like you know you don’t get in some gigantic

debate about something

you know just something fascinating and interesting

but the ones when you get

drawn into a man

those go on

for days and days

because it’s such an ineffective way to communicate

you write something out

and then i write a response and i wait for

you it’s like fucking god damn that’s time consuming

i like twitter

because 140 fucking words get

out of there

and i’ll tell you what if i see

six seven in a row

that someone sends me

and they just oh you’re

crazy click

blocked you

can’t you can’t just take up my

whole thing just trying to communicate with me about

every fucking

thing you can

think i hate it

yeah it becomes annoying

but the beautiful

thing is that you

could stop that you

could stop people from just clogging it up

and i just i

just ban people i’m

like if they

start like just acting a fool

then i just but there’s plenty of cool people in it too

people are always

sending me cool twitter links

and they’re always

sending me interesting stories and interesting you know


videos i get

great music

music that shit

cool music last

night somebody sent me

i hadn’t seen in 15 fucking years so what was it the

bruce lee the bruce lee

chuck norris

fight from the

from the coliseum

seems trivial to you but if you

haven’t seen it in 15 20 years you’re like wow

yeah that’s fucking

great that’s a

great classic

he starts boxing them

and the cats are running around if you know anything

about the roman coliseum

they got a million

cats walking around that sorry

did they film that at the coliseum

i don’t know because the first

scene is a set

and they turn the

camera around it looks like the coliseum they’re there

or they did some footage there but it’s so

weird like if you know anything

about the coliseum they have like i said they have

20 million fucking

cats walking around it’s just infested

with generations and

generations of

death i’ve never been there man

i want to go though to rome yeah

i want to go

yeah i want

to go to rome and i want to go to athens i want to see

the parthenon

the acropolis i want to see all that

crazy shit you

know that was an amazing time man

it’s amazing that they were so advanced as far as

the incredible

buildings they were creating but then

nobody even bothered fixing them

nobody even bothered keeping them up

like society had crumbled so far

that they became rubble

some of the most incredible

structures like the people that built them

you got to go what happens

when the people that made this incredible quality of

building what happens when

they just die off what happens

when no one can do that shit anymore what happens when

you go through a few

generations and no one knows

how to fix the ceiling anymore because no one’s like

a carpenter

to the level that

these people were back then

then they just

start rotting out

and then it becomes nothing

pretty fucking nuts

when you think of like look at the

houses that are around if you

look at the surrounding area of rome or of athens

they’re all normal

modern houses now

but yet here’s

these insane

stone structures that have

stood the test of time

over here from a thousand years ago in this

amazing architecture and

incredible you

know precise


all just a thousand years ago

you know it’s pretty amazing

stuff genius

and it all fell apart

all fell apart

you know what’s crazy bro

going back to that thing

about cannibalism

because the foot

no no because i was

thinking last

night or the

night before there was a show on

apl about the history of cats or something

and they were talking about

egypt and all that with the tombstones and what was

going on people were

dying right

and what they

were doing is let’s say somebody died there was

their favorite cat

they want the cat to go on the journey with well

shit dogs they

would take them in they get them

mummified yeah

but before they mummified they

break their neck

to make sure that they

would never leave

do you follow san anthea so once you went to

the life the soul

would go that life with you uh huh but if you

broke the cat all the cats next

that will mummified all the cats that were mummified

their necks were broken

how do you know that’s just not how they both

i guess that’s what they

what they were talking

about on the show last night

well that’s what they were doing

if somebody had a favorite cat and they died the cat

lived uh they

would kill the cat so you

could take the journey with them

oh and they would

wrap them up and shit like that

egyptians were

like really into cats yeah really into

cats too much but they it makes

it lips your eyebrows

about what the fuck were they really

thinking about

they were such a

smart civilization and so genki and shit

but they knew something like if your cat died

in those times and you had

before you buried your cat

you had to take him to some guy in the neighborhood

if that guy thought you abused a cat they’d kill you

what a fucking

they had the

records of all the cats in the neighborhood

it’s so crazy that they worship cats

you know two tut common

king tut and

his father akhenaten

they were both like deformed

they both had like extra long heads

they both had like these

weird physical

like some sort of a deformation of

their head they had like extra long heads

when they found

his dad and

all the depictions of them look like that too

i think his name is akanan

and and and two

ton comment if

you look at all the images of them they all have like

these weird kind of long heads

it’s really a trip man

i wonder if like

there’s a few instances of people

back in those days i mean if you look at

what egypt was able to accomplish

i wonder if there were like some

super fucking rainman

motherfuckers just a few

super rainman

motherfuckers that just

defied all the current

you know current

like iq level iq levels


levels just

just a few fucking

freaks a few

weird freaks

you know like

every now and then there’s a dude who’s born lexis

and lexington

steals dick

you know dude’s got like a 14 inch dick

that’s not normal

but it’s so far

above normal it’s like what happens there

you could can a

brain be born like that can you get a 14 inch dick

brain you know

cause if you can

could you imagine

yeah but was he just really good at like i

could build

shoes better than this person you know that he was just

smarter for

that time period you know what i mean yeah i don’t know

i mean i don’t know what akhenaten accomplished or what

t tu tut common

he died when he was really young

most people died when they

were like yeah

some of them did

how old 35 40 i

think it was

i think it was tut

moses one of them

lived so long

that by the time he died everyone that was

alive had been born during his

tidal reign

and they were so

concerned that when he died that

the world would end

they had not

known life without this guy

i forget which one that was

not really big up on

my pharaohs

it’s too much to

think about man

i’ve watched these

egyptian documentaries like

magical egypt’s fascinating shit

but it’s like six fucking

hours at least six

hours of dvds

and it’s like you’re trying to pay attention and keep

track and you’re like whoa

if you really wanted to

lose your mind

get into egypt get into

studying age in

egypt because it’s so complicated and so surreal

that you like look at

these people they drew these

their language consisted of nutty

stick figures

and they were all

about stars and

transcending this life

and yet they made the most insane

structures ever

known to men like they were like a

super psychedelic culture

where’s pompeii

i don’t know

india right

that’s bump

wait bombay

pompeii pompanos in

pompeii let’s find out

why just no because i seen that pink

floyd to the concert and

they put on dvd like you

know 1970s in

italy pompeii

it’s in italy pom

p o m p e i

p e i yeah it’s in it’s a province

of naples playing

floyd live upon

pay fucking

tremendous they set the

equipment out there the dark side of the moon

i wonder what it’s like

going back to the old country and hanging out with

those italians i bet they’re

fucking freak

breadsticks in the

olive garden

i bet there are

freaks i heard the best foods in spain

really foods off the chain yeah

really yeah i heard from

yeah it’s like

places like that right like the passion places like

spain and france and italy

and like these

they’re considered like real passionate

you know like passionately european

countries for us

we just go over and have a good time but german

is not oh my god we went to italy

and it was just

i love it when you do that but it’s interestingly

german is not considered passionate

they’re not they’re considered cold and calculated

and their food kind of sucks

i mean yeah the

wiener schnitzels and shit like that and there’s a lot

of sausages it’s okay

but doesn’t

compare to like italian food

like italian cuisine like the

depth of italian cuisine

like german food is like

it’s okay it’s amazing

it’s very cut

and dry number one ethnic food in the united states

fucking delicious

italian food

every night and any

other it’s all comfort food

i mean think of what italian food is it’s all

pastas lasagnas and meat

sauce and it’s all just comfort fucking

delicious yeah it’s the best spaghetti and meatballs

that this is something

about the whole

culture that that comes out of you know

it says a lot

about how the people are living like

it’s healthy but you know the fuck

it’s not made for health it’s made for

taste tomorrow

night’s one of the

nights i would love to be home because tomorrow night

those fucking guineas

they do it right my friends in jersey they do it

right though they do

the night of the

seven mars the seven fish

seven fucking fish you gotta eat

seven and it

starts with

those skinny little

little what’s the

smelts and they go to

then they go to the

clams then they go to the mussels

then they go to the fucking shrimp

then they go to the

clam they put the

bread i miss i miss

sausage and peppers

sausage and

pepper sub fried

for breakfast i get it down here at cavaretta

but it’s with tomato

sauce they have

it with sauce

that’s how they do it out here

know it’s good it’s

great it’s delicious i’m

happy just to have i had this morning

but i like this

the fried kind

right from yoga me and my wife were we

gonna yoga at 8

30 how many

points is that a million

sausage of peppers i

think i gave it like

14 i had the

small yeah if that

i had yeah sausage

not a lot of

points six not

one sausage

down one sausage

it’s not you eat

92 but weight

watches change the point

system change the

fat people are fucking at arms me

i just stuck to the old

points because that’s all dude i like the new

points the new

points you can

understand you

can eat i don’t fucking

understand well pretty much the new

point systems now you can eat

as much vegetables and

fruit right

which i did

always i did

always i never

counted my points on

fruit anyway

but they doubled up on the

pasta and shit

well that makes sense like

there was some like there was too many like

like you should not be allowed to eat like two point

cheese it’s all day you know

like you should not be able to do that there was

things like that like like

it just hadn’t been updated in so long you

guys with all

these explain if you’re talking

about this you

gotta explain what the fuck this all means weight

watchers are

weight watchers is a

point based

system it’s usually it used to be

based bosley

on calories dietary fat

fiber and fat

grams and the

more fiber the

least the point

right right

you add up all the

points all the vegetables you want all the

points yeah i

never counted my

points of vegetables of

fruit because i knew it was a scam it’s all

water scam and i was

right the new

systems the new

system is way more accurate

just based on

recent finding like

that goes little fucking milk one of

those little cheese that come with the

the thing like

like a triangle strike or

blue mugga move

fucking one

point those cheeses yeah

with four crackers that’s

three points i’m full on one of

those fucking thing yeah

that delicious you come home at

night from doing

a gig i don’t have to eat a big meal no more

i need an apple and a

piece of cheese how many

points you get a day

it’s just it’s

based on your it’s

based on your

thirty nine

it’s based on your weight and height though my

points are in

his height i

mean is fifty

those little cheese cheese

fuck up my whole

day new booze

or something blue but they got blue cheese and swish

that two for six dollars and

fucking wraps i got a week

i eat one a day in between meals delicious

there’s so many little

things but the

every calorie is a

for every for

every 60 calories it’s a point

okay so like when i go to the gym and work on the bike

let’s say i burn 600 calories on the bike at six points

so now you can eat all the

fruit and vegetables you want

right the new

systems too but i always did

which is how it should be

because in the past it used to be like

fuck i’m so hungry

i only have four

points left

i’m just gonna eat two of these

you know two

point snicker bars or something like that like

it should been like oh no i’m just

gonna eat a

bunch of vegetables and

fruit and i have to worry

about that i’m hungry

you know you

should be allowed to do that that’s how it

should have been

anyways every week i go i go to the farmers market

sundays i get

strawberries i get blueberries i get raspberries

i got a cantaloupe

i got a pineapple i chop it up i put in containers

and you eat if you’re more than 300

pounds you gotta eat

more than we

gotta eat fruit

seven times a day to lose weight

seven times a day you gotta eat

fruit to lose fucking weight

really now the

sugar from fruit

it’s not bad for you

not like the

sugar that you put well let me tell you something

is it because it’s attached to fiber

it’s natural

it’s i mean like

sugar’s not bad for you eating a shitload

of sugar yeah

yeah drinking

six cans of coke

right yeah it’s

probably worse to have a diet coke than a fucking

brian has always scared the shit out of me

because brian i was always fucking putting down

those packages when i have coffee

like i’m always scared

equal and all that shit yeah and then

so now i read

i oh i read

man you suck

i read last week that fucking

sugar isn’t really that bad feeling ten days ago

they say there’s

the amount that you have in the day that’s bad for you

it’s not that

that day you know if you have 16 cups of coffee with 16


sugar it’s gonna fucking kill you you know

hey you know what sucks

is how popular rainbows are

lately there was a double rainbow yesterday in burbank

and it was at staples

and all the cashiers and everyone ran outside to take

photos of it and i’m sitting here

going i just need to

check out i’m late i need to i need to

there was nobody in the

store and they’re all

going double rainbow my god no

how is either people

hey man it’s just like you just can’t

appreciate nature man

it’s like maybe you need to fucking

relax man okay

all this bullshit

that you see here okay this is man made all right

the real beauty is in nature it

doesn’t matter man whether or not you fucking

get checked out in time

right here’s the

spoon right there phil

oh now i’m looking for the stevia

joey diaz just had it

yeah but it’s like before that

video props to dan

quinn before that

video there was no like

freaking out

on rainbows that was like oh look a rainbow there

now it’s like people running outside to take

photos of it for

their twitter just people are

goddamn sheep brian

it’s like we were talking

about earlier with

about liberia

people get used to

things being a certain way

and then that’s the way they are

the way they are now when you see a rainbow you

freak out i know

if you live in portland oregon you seen a rainbow

every day of your life like

yeah another one whatever it’s fucking constantly

raining it’s hot you see a rainbow

every day of

your fucking life you know what i’m saying i’m

gonna run outside it was

weird though with that rainbow yesterday

it was the closest

i ever thought i got to the actual end of a rainbow

i don’t think it’s

possible no i don’t

think it’s possible to can you get

to an end of a

random i don’t

think it is

it’s like an optical illusion

right of course but there was this was the first time

where i actually was like dude it looks like it’s

right there

the end of it and it was like a trader joe’s yeah

i think it moves as you move yeah like the oil

like oil like in a desert type

thing or you know oasis

and oasis i mean yeah

maybe perhaps

but it was so

weird because like

it looked like

literally like

on the other side of this

building is the end of the rainbow i’ve

never seen it that

close before it was fucked up hmm

maybe you ever chased a rainbow

maybe everyone just

doesn’t know brian

maybe there is some rainbows that are different than

other rainbows and when you get to the end of them

you find gold

so i heard and you have to fight a leprechaun

i heard somebody got a higher primate tattoo

yeah posted on the forum yeah some dude on

on my facebook page

he’s got a higher primate

tattoo by the way those t shirts

are they’re coming out with new designs

right or something’s coming up yeah we’re gonna

watch new shit come out i that was one of my favorite

t shirts like the one that i have i love

that t shirts like fits perfect and everything this

tattoos really

not that terrible just eyeballs a little off but he

could fix that easy yeah

um yeah it’s um

it’s a good

good they’re really

cool man the guys who designed them they’re badass yeah

we got some

new shit coming out we got one coming out with shiva

gonna work on that one

powerful are prima sheba

i’m branching out son

i sold over a

dozen of them shirts

i’m a goddamn



some dude sent me this

email hey man

i want you to consider stop saying cocksucker

because you stopped saying faggot

now i’d like you to consider to stop saying cocksucker

and all i could

think of is you

i’m like how am i

gonna do my joey diaz impression

if i can’t say cocksucker

i’m going home

what the fuck cock sucker

somebody i don’t

understand look up

there’s nothing

wrong with sucking a cock and it’s not

it’s not even a bad thing

you know i mean if you want to suck a cock you

should suck a cock

it’s like if someone called you a pussy eater

it’s really the same thing

would i feel bad that you’re calling me a pussy eater

shut up it’s dumb i don’t even call

cocksucker like that call it more as an expression

exactly it doesn’t

even mean it’s an expression of love when i

call you a cocksucker if i don’t call you a cocksucker

but you should really

think about

where we fucking

stand joey diaz will call me

anytime of the

night and go

what’s going on cock sucker

or cock licker sometimes it’s cock

licker sometimes it’s cock licker

cause sometimes you

still look like a cock

you know saying

you got a sweet i don’t take none of that shit

it’s nothing

wrong with it it’s nothing

wrong with it i know that sometimes it

annoys people

but it’s not even a derogatory

statement but it’s still

i am if you can’t you’re talking about an

you’re talking

about an act you’re talking

about sucking a cock it’s not even a bad person

you can’t keep making

that’s not the

solution and the solution is not say less

things the solution is be nicer

the solution is not

stop saying cocksucker that’s

silly you’re missing the

whole fucking

point you should be able to

say anything the only reason why you don’t say anything

because a bunch of people are

bunch of fucking

sensitive cunts and you can’t just keep explaining

yourself over and over and over and over and over again

we live in a

very politically correct society half of us

the other half a

while fucks like me and

you know what this days i listen to

i listen to a cat podcast

and the guy is as

white as a republican

as tight ass as he

could be but i

enjoy it you don’t

curse at all and i

enjoy him well i don’t you don’t have

to you don’t

have to curse i

enjoy some things

interested in

what you’re saying

you don’t like cocksucker

go hang out with fucking gaffigan

or something like that i don’t give a fuck will

you go hang out here’s the deal we all know there’s a

bunch of different words and we can use

yeah they just

use whatever words you want

what i want to know is who are you as a human

and if you you know and

if you’re judging someone by the words they’re

using and not judging them by who they are

you know come on man like really you care for guy

swears you care for guy

you know talks

about certain subjects that you know

might be a bit controversial

like when you get people that are like

super sensitive

about shit like

that it’s just like come on man what’s the

point even talking

i have never left a place

even though i’ve had a bad

experience with it

and i don’t

think it’s time i don’t think no

place is worth

going home and writing a letter

i went to a restaurant

last week that was fucking horrible

i you know whose

fault it was

mine yeah you

know what the

usual want i

think shit like yelp

if you’ve had

some bad situations and you know you can go

to like yelp

and you look and there’s like one star

how many times did you go

to commister and you walk to the back to get your check

and they gave

you a hand and you a letter you’re like what’s this

and this is a letter of fan wrote

that you insulted somebody you said the word cunt

sucker if you’re

gonna go home and

write a letter

because i said some honest to god i don’t

think you have a fucking life

i have bad experiences a lot of times

i went to home buffet

in burbank two weeks ago

well this is that is it

again i was

starving i was

starving applebee’s was packed i went

shopping in that mall there

and i go how bad is hometown before

you get a salad

worst thing i can get a

salad you can’t get a fucking

salad somewhere

brian when i tell you the

salad dressings the

salad was brown okay

but why wouldn’t you be able to why

shouldn’t you be able to talk

about this on a yelp ad

mark wouldn’t you make a little

will my fault

for fucking

going there no it’s not i’m an adult

i’m a fucking

adult i know better no

i say to people

this why when people come up to me

especially people who live in california

especially you two fucking momos

when you come

up to me and some of you want to see a

movie that sucked

i want to stab you

because you

see behind the curtain

you see behind

see behind you

just want to go to the

movies didn’t you just

watch that movie the

other day that was

awful though

what was the one we were just talking

about the beginning of the podcast

you watched

riley or though

what the movie he said he was

watching at the beginning of the podcast you

watched a movie the

other day and was awful

i don’t remember the

show i did say that but i didn’t

watch the whole movie

the island of dr moreau

with denzel

no no no no

book of eli book of eli

i turned off

in 15 minutes

but i didn’t get my fucking car

and drive the

fucking malibu

no i would never take somebody else’s opinion

listen if you want

to see that

if you went to see that fucking

movie with angelina jolie

and that other fucking momo who i love donnie brasco

you’re a fucking

idiot you left

there and said that wasn’t what i thought it was

you should be shot hung

and thrown under the jail

and then fucked in the ass by a

bunch of runaway fucking

slaves because you’re a fucking

idiot you know

where they have slaves

huh where they have

slaves anywhere the

slaves around they live in houston they got

those little chinese

women they bring and they suck your dick

and they got to pay money to get their

uncle out of fucking

whatever immigration

status is some shit you know see that fucking csm

oh the drifters

yeah no the drifter girls in houston you have

a drifter called the

human trafficking yeah

human trafficking is very big in houston

very big in a couple and so you

think they should get fucked by

human traffickers if they what

if what movie they like

any movie that you go see you

like i read a

tweet of the other day i want to see

tron it was horrible

what would make you go see that fucking

movie i saw tron it was terrible he

liked it he liked it you

think it was that bad it was kinda interesting

why would you go see that movie for the 3d

what 3d the

whole concept to me was fascinating if you got really

baked joey and you saw a 3d movie it

might be awesome it’d be like

i don’t it’s not for me it

might be for you you like pink

floyd the wall you know it was really

wack i didn’t like pink

floyd the wall the movie

i like pink

floyd the wall of life

thing that you have

to wear 3d glasses

did you see tron brian

no i’m waiting for

the madness to die down a little bit we’ll see half of

those shit movies

and people realize that 3d is the shit

well what the fuck is wrong

it’s fun man

listen dude it’s just like

watching a goddamn

comic book to me i like

comic books i liked it when i was a kid i looked like a

comic book movie

and that’s what i tron

was tron was a comic book

movie you like

comic books i’m telling

you you like

comic books fuck yeah

i used to be into the fantastic four i had a place

bobby something he used to collect

things that we used to go up there buy

comic books from them and rob

the good ones and take them to the city and sell them

bobby the call

i like things

i like things that aren’t realistic

i think they’re fun

you know i don’t mind

to the suspension of disbelief or

comic book movie

doesn’t bother me

i love to be

taken away for two hours

but tron don’t take me away the

whole time i’m

thinking why

the fuck did i come to this shit

it wasn’t the weed

store buying a bag of dope or

something it kept me

occupied it

wasn’t terrible see

absolutely more than

listen bro that hangover there you people

think it’s fucking

great i watch

it i like that

movie and it was bro

stevens is in that

movie i love that

movie it was no

classic that

movie was fun as

well it was no

fight wasn’t it bro please

because there’s nothing to put up next to it

that’s why there’s nothing

going on it was

annoying i don’t

know i enjoyed it it was an

okay movie okay

it was not a groundbreaking subject a

bunch of guys get fucked up and

what did we do last

night i mean it’s not

but i thought it was well

we’re in a shitty fucking society that’s weak

and that’s why

these movies go over now they

wouldn’t go over 20 years ago when you hot

had a high quality of

movies bro these

movies wouldn’t

go like that new one that fokker

three looks like diarrhea

that is it the

third fokker movie

that looks like

warm diarrhea

right there one of my idols that got me into this

whole thing was when i seen deer hunter

well i seen fucking taxi driver

and i seen deniro put that gun through his head

and do all that shit i knew i wasn’t

gonna end up here

but the narrow

you gotta stop it and stop

sir now you

have to suck at

sir now you are

fucking hard anymore

and the choices you’re making you

might as well

do one on you

and shoot yourself yeah

tales of yania

just shoot just tales of yanya

he did the one with the show

it’s a fake narnia it’s a

quilting it’s a

quilting trinity i

don’t want to

i love you to

death but let it go

yeah let it he’s almost

playing a character from himself

now and it’s gross

what was that what was that narnia movie

chronicles of

jania whatever the fuck that

narnia yeah yeah

tell me what it is brian yeah yeah shit

because of narnia no but he wasn’t in there

no he was in the other one

he was no michelle fight the princess in the

fucking some shit i would

watch that if you fucking held the gun to my head

just cause i got better things to do my fucking time

why would you

watch that i’m done with him and i’m also done with

you know what’s

weird and this is off subject completely off subject

but i want to know what that movie was

chronicles of yeah yeah

let me tell you this is the

first one stardust

if you’ve heard that’s it that’s it

read this bad with michelle

oh my god look at

the movie theater that that came up

that came out

friday 11 30 and the

movie got released

this looks like some shit that was made by

some saudi arabia

trillionaire yeah like

royal family member

listen this is what we’re

going to have we’re

going to have ancient time erin

what about the

yeah yeah no no chronicles in

yacht may like this

is something

different man this is

yeah that was stardust

who was in it read the cast the hero

michelle pfeiffer

oh i don’t know

and they tried to get pacino for a scarface reunion for

yeah yeah for that whatever they just

shows those two on this

somebody else that

will be to it

so gross stardust

that green hornet looks fucking bad too oh that looks

awful that carl’s

jr commercial

look fucking

oh bruce lee

is in his grave

making a comeback

after he’s seen that fucking

piece of shit

that’s a piece of shit

the kid didn’t even know what the fuck it’s

about so let’s just

why the fuck are we doing

this what do you mean the kid didn’t know that

fucking idiot

rogan monster

green fucking horn seth rogen

those nothing they got some fucking filipino to pay

bruce lee i got nothing

against filipinos got my people

you know i’m saying

but the guy was fucking chinese you know i’m saying

have you guys seen the

musical that

trey and matt

are doing in new york city it opens like next

month it’s a musical

about mormons

it’s called like oh no dude

one of my favorite

things about

trey and matt the guys that do

south park is that they’re

musicals like

you know south park was

a musical and he’s had a cannibal

musical and stuff

this is a whole

play based on mormons and it’s a musical

fucking yo stardust got

seven point nine stars

yeah out of ten yeah

right right

by it i have to

buy it i have to

buy it i have

to buy it ian

mcclellan’s in it

yeah that’s

damn they came with the long cast they got in

robert de niro

michelle pfeiffer charlie cox

kate mcgowan

they got some respectable people in this

i wonder who they got

first that they

connected everybody else to probably de niro

we have robert de niro

this is a good

movie what about

the spider man playing

the show beautiful

that’s a fucking idea oh did

you hear about the

what’s his name that did that twitter

and he got in

trouble for saying it

fuck what’s his name he said something did you hear

about the spider man guy no

there’s a play on new york

a spider man play yeah didn’t aren’t people getting fed

up to this play yeah this

stunt man fell four times

and they got bono and the

other fucking momo the

storm you know

oh yes we’re

gonna julie

tamar we’re

gonna pull this off

first of all it’s a million a week

to keep the doors open

yeah so what economy

a week ticket

thing about

sixty minutes

three weeks ago

publicizing it

a million dollars for

production a week for a play in

new york city what is this this is spider man the play

what the fuck are they doing

just because bono god

you mean bono and the

storm rewrote it

wait a minute bono like the guy from you two he wrote a

we live in a coen brothers movie

we fucking do man listen to what you just said

there’s a fucking play it involves

spider man and it’s on

broadway and

it cost a million dollars a week to keep on

production bono and the

storm wrote the

music for it

and they’ve had four shutdowns already four

people fall down

because she wants to do like a thing

where it’s a play

so do they do

flips and shit flips rings people flying across

lights but it’s

gonna cost a deuce

on a tuesday night

to go see this

in this economy a million dollar

production now

after five people fall in and all the setbacks

they’re still like it’s

gonna go on

they’re not

gonna have the co creator of los damon

lindoff or whatever his name said with

great power comes

great response wap

bam crashed

you know he said that and i

guess the stuntman that

did that is like in serious condition made of a walk

again or something like that

so we got a shitload of heat and so

he retweeted

last night i had no idea the

stuntman was so injured

seriously injured bad

taste honest regards and hopefully a

speedy recovery but he got

fuck like people were pissed at him for that tweet

it’s funny how tweets

nowadays you can just say a

tweet and it

could change your

whole career

who was really

who was really yeah you can say something douchey

this is like

watching cnn

showbiz report they’re like

listen come back what everybody’s talking

about who’s talking about it

what fucking momo’s talking

about the stuff

that the guy

that he tweeted who’s talking about this

who’s talking

about who gives a fuck

i give a fuck who gives a fuck we’re

talking about

inquiring minds are talking

about on tmz

people fucking

stuck in some hole

under a cave and talking

about it because they got nothing better to do

in a jail cell

people with lives don’t give a fuck

people with bills and mortgages don’t give a fuck

that’s the book of mormon that’s

their new musical

when does it

come out new york city a previous february 24th opens

march 24th but

those guys are awesome

thank god they’re alive

i know for real

nobody has entertained me more than the

south park guys over the course of

their careers no one no one even comes close

those guys have been putting it out for

over a decade

strong it was like when i

first heard

about them i

first watched the

brian boytano

what would brian boytano do

that was like

shit that was like

it seems like

that was like 98 or something like that yeah

that was so long ago

a long ass time ago

it seems like when i saw it was somewhere around then

yeah what would

bamblatana it

might even been before 98 man because i

think i was living in encino

are you playing what would ryan boytano do the craziest

thing was i did that

yeah which movie did you do baseball not

that i give a fuck

oh yeah that’s right you were in baseball like

you have no idea what are you talking about

yeah he played one of the rugby cool

okay you know

fuck they’re bad motherfuckers man i’d be very happy

with those guys well you know whatever

especially after that karlsmanzia episode

look how old school i was

and i just want my mom to stop fighting everyone

or when they all be inactive in two

cause that’s what my boys are

like my avocado

do someone say my name

look at you you little mess up

so what do you got to line up for the

rest of the week

nothing just maxing

and relaxing kicking back i’m going out to lay in low

what are you

doing with john lovett’s tonight in the morning

are you felipe

spas a couple other guys that was saying one

tonight and

tomorrow yeah well damn you doing a christmas eve

show damn it’s

gonna be crazy at

that universal

get there early

let me tell you something last year

fucking they said that last christmas eve or last no

no gabriel did last christmas day

and he did four

shows in the last show he took everybody to eat

and he had them

out till five in the morning gene simmons included

he had the whole play he took them all out to eat

really show

everybody he took the

whole crown out to eat the

whole three

flowers of that

fucking holy shit

where where the fuck did they

fit everybody in something

daddy somewhere

and they fit everybody in yeah

wow well half the people went

whole fucking he took that’s hilarious fucking nuts

that’s hilarious

so it’s they said

might be crazy including gene

sims so gene

sims is a big comedy fan huh

yes four new episodes coming out of his show by the way

who gene simmons for new episodes about what

i don’t know

his his reality show show

you watch it

no i don’t watch i just saw

i’ve been watching celebrity rehab at

eddie bravo’s recommendation and my

god is it good yeah it’s the best

this isn’t even a good

one get into that show this isn’t even a good one

oh it’s plenty this

isn’t even a good

season it’s

plenty you care

about any dick

i don’t care

about any of

those andy dick was on yeah

oh you missed a good

season this is i’ve

lived with any

dick for five years not

lived with him

but worked with

him nothing i don’t need to see that show

i hope andy’s

we’re just talking

about 100 grand

for 21 days and then they’re

gonna heal you

dude let me tell

you something man this episode’s getting me man or this

season’s getting

me if this isn’t a good one

yeah i know it’s

you got it eric

roberts is fucking fine okay

eric roberts is surrounded by

these maniacs and nuts and all he’s hooked on is weed

yeah okay so

every day people are

going through dts they’re

shaking lifeguards trying to fucking fix he’s like i

gotta get out of here i

gotta get out of here

i gotta get out of here i

gotta get out of here

meanwhile eric roberts

has got his reading

glasses on he’s

drinking a cup of

coffee looking through the

paper like a gentleman

there’s nothing

wrong with that guy

eric roberts if you’re out there if you’re listening

listen to me man you don’t need to stop smoking weed

you just need better people to

smoke weed with

that’s what your problem is you’re

freaking out you’re by yourself okay what

about the billionaire

kid that could be a

fuck poor kid

that poor kid man that

poor kid is in a terrible situation

where he’s raised by

some fucking cunt bag that didn’t pay attention to him

this dad was

never know i like last

season it sucks

man it sucks but you know that’s how you

raise a shitty kid i’ll be

a mess man you

could tell suck oh oh

i just gotta

tell her she’s got it

she looks like she’s a

dirty what about the

model you know

her eyebrows were

freaking me the fuck out though

her eyebrows were not

where they were supposed to be

and it was driving me nuts

well they’re not

drawn on man they’re just pulled up way and like

she’s not that old man

she’s a young girl she’s pretty enough like she

doesn’t have to keep fucking with herself

it’s like girls

they get to a certain

point where they’re trying to continually

tweak things

you gotta realize that any guy who

would give a fuck

about those minute

differences that you’re trying to sort out in your face

that guy’s a douchebag or

shoes yeah come on just fucking let it go so you’re

gonna get a line in your forehead

we’re all gonna die you’re

gonna be fine

let that fucking line grow on your forehead what

about the line that kid

dropped last week

that was the

greatest popular

line of all time in a reality show

what was an

argument that the kid actor from the hills goes

i’ve been at

eight rehabs

i’ve never seen anything like this i’ve

never seen anything like this

eight rehabs and you’re

still trying

and he’s like fucking

mook and he’s like 25

eight rehabs

eight rehabs and you

haven’t figured out

fuck it i’m

going for broke

how old is that dude he’s been to

eight rehabs

you know how

many how many

one because they made me go on the halfway house

because i came back hot for

weighing cocaine

as it goes through your skin when you wait on the scale

oh so i came back hot

so they said you we put you back in jail for six months

or you have to go to rehab and i

found this rehab and boulder

all you had to do

is go from two to six and you’d be healed in four weeks

but they they ate it

right up really you’re

gonna go to

and they want like a

grand and that said i had to go from two to six

and i would go down i got a little

chick that was there her name was

patrice twine

from michigan

she would suck my dick

every afternoon

and during the

break like from two to four and then for four to

four twenty we have a single break

and she’d suck

my dick i do a line with her at the fucking

empty thing

i appreciate

i appreciate rehab for some people i

think we both know people that just cannot do things

they just whatever

the fuck it is when they do a bump or they

smoke a joint

or they do a shot they are

gonna go off on a goddamn

blackout adventure of death and

here’s the real problem you know this

cause you have

addicted personality to games and pool we discuss this

say gays or gays

it’s really

weird and brian knows as we’ve all discusses

but you go to

fifty fucking rehabs

and unless you’re

ready to quit you ain’t gonna quit yeah it

doesn’t know here’s the here’s the real

issue here’s

here’s the real issue

they’re not using

all the best

methods that are available it’s very simple

if you look throughout

human history

as the number one most effective way

to get over an addiction

it’s eyeball

gain eyeball

gained the super

psychedelic drug that’s illegal in america

people have taken that

stuff and it’s got

some insane rate of healing people from addictions like

in the 90 and you’re talking about

when you’re talking about 90

of people that are addicted

like god and a lot of them have to go back to the

same environment a lot of people are impulsive but it

it’s such an insanely

introspective experience

you see all of your wiring and

where things are

going wrong

with the wrong


we don’t allow any eye opening shit here you know why

because it makes no

money because if we did that there’d be no rehabs you

know we gonna wait

watch well no it’s not

even that we

gotta wait watch

you can’t and here’s the

funny thing

about weight watches

it’s a corporation for you to lose weight

but they don’t want you to lose weight guy

guy it’s not that they

don’t want to heal you that

they haven’t thought

about it this far in advance it’s that there’s no

money in the cure i begain

whatever it is it grows it’s the same

thing like marijuana but it’s 4 000 for the treatment

to get the doctor in your room with the

blood pressure

to check your

blood pressure the

street days of

sweating and

psychological trips

and one whole

thing we can open up rehabs

where people go into that paid 8 000

and get healed and

never have to go back

the rehabs that were around the open now they get

money from repeat business

they want you to get them healthy

right they don’t

really want you to get healthy yeah but

i really believe i think i really thought they

were involved in

treatment or trying to help people

i really do no they’re trying to help people

they really are i’m trying to help brian

but the fucking odds the recidivism rate i don’t

think they know

i don’t think they know

about ibogaine i

think there’s

a very small percentage of the people

that are involved in any addiction

behavior counseling

like you know like if

you look at like like dr drew like he does he would not

even consider

a psychedelic drug trip

to cure you of addictions he would

never consider it

meanwhile if you but hold on a

second if you look at it on paper

if you look

at the people that have actually experienced

these things like

it looks like there’s

something there and it looks like it was not just like

with actual studies they’ve done on

everything i read

about it is positive

very positive

everything i read

about it positive

if i come to you

right now and say joe rogan

guess what you’re not

gonna have to

ever go on the road and do comedy no more we’re

gonna build this

stage right here

and you’re gonna do comedy of this a new

system and we’re

gonna do comedy

with the computer

and people don’t even

need to leave the

house anymore

to leave the

house you know to

watch comedy

right watch comedy

from the house live

well this is

sort of an extension of that’s

gonna take well oh no you’re not seeing

where i’m going with that

that’s gonna take a piece of

money out of your pocket it is if i

avoided comedy clubs

and just started doing

thing on the computer people

could see it for free

and you couldn’t

tour that’s what i’m trying to say to you

if they bring this eyeball gain in

you’re only

going to come to my rehab one time and get healed

the percentage rates are

gonna be lower

so you’re taking

money out of my pot i don’t want to hit

right you know

i don’t i don’t

think that’s

the case i really don’t i don’t

think that these rehab centers don’t want

to heal people and they want to keep people i’m not

saying that i’m not saying that i don’t

know in reality in reality they know

about it the

fda will not approve it yes and it would ten

years the fda

improves it they won’t do it ten years away

twenty fifteen years away from the fda approved

but it’s so

even though

because you know

they thought in the

seventies like carl sagan

talked openly

about how easily marijuana

would be legal within a decade

they were like it was just inevitable it’s not

gonna be legal for another two or

three years

marijuana yeah we’re not i don’t

even believe that anymore

after this stupid law if you can’t pass in california

come on man this is the

if you don’t

this is that law

the apex of the information

age was it yeah

that sloppy was

completely i don’t think that

was completely

thrown together

sloppy okay

like i don’t know

there was like a bunch of

things like

it that law

would have passed it so it was legal to

smoke weed at work

you know as an example and

stuff like it was just thrown together really

bad come on

yeah that’s what a lot of people who are

against it we have to look this up you can’t say this

unless we know for sure well that’s one of the things

i know but we have to be careful

we have to be careful

we have to be

careful you

can’t say it


19 but there was

things like that thrown in there like multiple

things just

like that that were thrown in there that were just

sloppy and even people that wanted that

legalize marijuana

they didn’t

like it because it was just fucking thrown together bad

but if anything

it showed that it was you know the next time it’s on

if they have some more time to

write it better and

stuff like that it probably will pass i

think the word was that the

gross was saying

don’t vote yeah

well you go into pot shops don’t fucking

vote you go

to pot shops and

people would say not to vote for it

yeah because then they

would go under

that would be the problem is that

first of all no one

would have you

wouldn’t have to go to

these places to buy your pot

no but that we

wouldn’t have to be

licensed not necessarily because

these are medical

places right

totally different reason for selling and because

you can’t mix

the medical

places with you know with

places that are just for profit only

i’m sure you have to have different laws

maybe but it

would allow pot smoking at work

group claims is this true

that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever

heard yeah like i was saying this law was

stupid i mean it was

sloppy and stupid

that’s why i didn’t pass it wasn’t a good

written law

somebody was

stoned when they

wrote that law they didn’t

think it out you know

california chamber

of commerce

claimed in legal analysis released

thursday that proposition nineteen

would lead to more workplace accidents

by forcing employers to let workers

smoke pot on the job see

these fucking

greedy stoners you

greedy cunts it’s a retarded

oh my god it’s amazing

i thought that had to be wrong

i was like i bet he’s

got it like only if it’s a job that you don’t operate

certain things

i love you man

come on dude

i do have faith but occasionally nice

we both know you say

you say some crazy shit


don’t you but no you never

go all the stuff i say there’s there’s some truth to it

i’m like alex jones to don’t

know i saw alex going crazy the other day

i saw some fucking thing where he’s talking about deep

population and it’s happening it’s all going on

just wanted to go grab the guy and go get him a

drink come on

did you ever see him dressed up as the joker

no youtube that alex jones

joker he’s dressed up as the joker with like the

blood on his we should talk

about alex because the videos coming out this week

right we’re gonna have it done this week

i love alex jones like people

think oh joe rogan doesn’t like alex

jones thinks alex

jones an idiot

but i love that guy he’s fun he’s my friend

is he right

i don’t know he’s right

look i got more important things to think about

i’m worried about the universe okay

ladies and gentlemen i’m worried about aliens

bitch i work for nasa okay

i’m worried about really really interesting

things to me whether or not alex jones is

right about everything

that’s interesting as well i mean this the

study of the

human race the the the fall of room seeing all this

crazy shit go on

seeing how much of it is just nonsense and

crazy talk like

they’re gonna put

chips in your

corn flakes and it’s

gonna you know

come on how much is that’s real i don’t know

but i do know he’s

right about a lot of things

there’s a lot of shit

going on man

we’re seeing

we’re seeing

much more exposure

of all the corruption

in all levels of government

you know much more exposure than anybody

had ever had access to before and the government

doesn’t give a fuck that we know

yeah they don’t give a fuck

they cannot

do anything about

it no we can’t

you know think

about alex jones is that he’s great

and exposes us to a lot of

things and some of it

is useful some of it isn’t but at the end of the week

there’s nothing we

could do about it

there’s not a much we could do

about it because nobody’s

gonna even fucking get together the sign not

gonna put none

together well here’s reality here’s reality and this is

where it’s gonna get

sound really strange

this is what we can do about it

there’s not there’s nothing we can do

about it as far as

going out and

i mean look

obama thought he was

gonna change

things so how many got in office

guy wins the fucking nobel

prize then sends

thirty thousand more troops

to afghanistan

if he really thought that he was

gonna be able to do anything differently once

you get in office once you get in there you kind of

understand you’re

dealing with a machine that is just fucking

beyond your

comprehension so intertwined with corruption

but this is what you can do

what you can do is what we’re doing

what you can

do is what anybody out there is doing who’s showing

a more positive example and giving you

a more fun and

happy way to live your life

you inspire people

to potentially live

along those same lines

and that’s what you can do

that’s what you

could do with art and that’s what you

could do with with writing that’s what you

could do with any form of expression

and that’s what you can do

if you express yourself and let people know that that’s

how you’re living and this is the fun way to do it man

you don’t have to be a cunt you don’t have to be

a douchebag you don’t have to be out there raping the

world like that’s not the

right way to go about it

it’s not fun

you just need a lot of people to recognize that vision

and see it and realize hey we are only here for a

short amount of time

if you go around saying it’s all

about me living

life like a fucking douchebag

when it’s all over

you’re gonna have just

a wreck of a life you’re not gonna be

enjoying yourself you’re not

gonna be having a good time through this fucking

thing if we

could all recognize that we really

could put this

place in a different

frequency we really could

make human beings

respond and behave on a better

level than we’re doing now

the only way that we’re

gonna do this

to electrify the young

you gotta you

gotta get in

their head you

gotta inspire

these people

there’s people out there that

are hearing some of the shit that you’re saying the

shit that brian saying

some shit that duncan

says on this podcast they’re hearing all the shit

and it’s ringing in

their mind they’re hearing

eddie’s stories

when eddie starts talking

about jiu jitsu and

breaking down life and

breaking down

his own ability to figure out things

people hear

about shit like that man it gets you

thinking and you

start questioning

how have i been

managing my life have i been doing the same thing

i will now be inspired

to manage my life in a similar fashion and live in a

happy positive way and don’t get

stuck in some fucking trap

i don’t think that this

thing is it permanent

cause it’s not permanent

if you go around living like

you know you can just keep up

with this shit bag life and eventually someday you’re

gonna get a nap

you know you’re

gonna get a

point in your life

where you can settle down and

relax but that

point’s not fucking happening man

that’s not gonna happen

shit begets shit and it’s just

gonna get worse

cause your health is

gonna fail on you

keep it together bitches

very cheerful

to read those it is a

cheerful message because the reality is

the only way to do it is to really

if you really want to change the world

you have to inspire

young people

that’s how you change the world

the world is in people that

don’t have mortgages the

world is in people that

can still create new

things the world is in people that can

still take chances because they don’t have to

worry about coming home

to take care of

their kids the

world is in chances man

you can still inspire chances you can

still inspire

thinking you can

still inspire

positive energy

mad flavor is all up in this

bitch right

the fuck are you talking about

what the fuck i’m talking

about an orange fucking

suit on with goggles you know what i’m talking about

you’re fixing the world

we’re fixing this one guy at a time one tree

at a time but i

gotta compete with

paris hilton

you follow me you ain’t

doing shit for fucking nobody

i’m not looking to save the world

i’m just looking to get a few fucking laughs

smoke a few joints get healthy love my wife and my cats

and be able

to have a good time when i’m hanging out with you


and part of

doing that is inspiring

other people part of doing that is making

other people laugh

when you’re

doing that and you’re inspiring people and making

other people have you are

literally creating a

better environment you’re forcing people to be happier

not forcing

them but you’re helping people to be happier

and you’re moving them

along in a good direction

that’s the future that’s the only way that we’re really

gonna have a future we

gotta work together

brian it’s your move uh

do you like

comic books

brian’s just

gonna masturbate watery

sperm onto his

i’m going to disneyland for christmas

i’m kind of nervous

never been to disneyland last time i was at disney

world was like

11 years old or something like that disneyland

is really fun when there’s no one there

right why would you want to go on a day what’s

gonna be you

think it’s gonna be mobbed

is disneyland

mobbed on christmas i thought

wouldn’t be

wow not really bad

stay home just

listen if you wanna go

what you’re supposed to do is go

while the kids are in school

right you don’t need to go on a special day son

you know that day’s not real that’s not

that hasn’t really even jesus’s birthday okay

jesus is like born in june or some shit

right this is fake

you get in the hotel room too

no no i was just gonna drive up

it’s like 45 minutes the pagans man it was

their holiday it was the winter solstice man

and like you know in

order to get

the pagans to be christians they combine holidays

whoa that’s

sad don’t go dude

go on like a tuesday day

you want to get there

early i just

for some reason i thought it

wouldn’t be

crowded oh you’re

crazy is always

crowded i heard two weeks ago it was

crowded on a saturday

he said it was the most

crowd he’s ever

seen in his fucking life really you don’t

appreciate disneyland

until you have little kids

oh my god when i take my little

daughter to disneyland i have

never had this much fun in my

grown life that i can remember

just taking her around and just

get on the teacup rides and then we’re

gonna do this ride

then we’re gonna do this ride

like so excited

at every turn

giant joyful

smiles and you see

these kids running around

you go now i get it

i didn’t get it before but

yeah but i always

thought of it as like it’s a pain in the ass my parents

were yelling at me don’t go anywhere get over here

where you going you know

i came here by myself when i was 10 and 11 and shit

really i just come out here my uncle

would drop me off at disneyland solo

and i’d spend the fucking

day out there and fly back to new york a week later wow

die yourself huh

don’t you meet friends there and fuck friends

i was living in new jersey

people from new jersey i’ll go to fucking disneyland

mugging kids and

those days yeah

drop me off one time he took

candy canes

out of his mouth

the next day he couldn’t go so he just

dropped me off and

they were like hundred bucks

i did some blow in the teacups

fucking teacups

it wasn’t a

small room for me

yeah you never seen anybody have fun you don’t

experience joy like joy

through a little two year old that’s your two year old

and she’s running around

park having a good time on rides like i totally

understand it all now man

i used to like

look i swear to god i used

to like look at people that had kids and look at the

things they were doing with kids

and i would say yeah you know

look at this guy loves this kid and this wife loves her

kid but here

they are hanging out at disneyland they don’t

wanna be in fucking disneyland

like they wanna they

wanna be home

i did i never really

understood that when your children are having fun

and they’re

laughing you like

laugh with them you have fun with them i

never kind of got that

until i had kids

very you know what i mean

it’s like i always said well you’re

happy for them sure

like you know they look at the kids

happy oh i’m

happy too that’s

great but it’s not that man it’s your happy too

you’re with them you’re like one of them like when they

get excited and jump around and laugh

you get like this charge through your body it’s like

the furnace of

whatever the fuck that’s in you your soul your spirit

is like the door opens to the furnace

and like winds of pure

oxygen blow on it that’s what it feels like it’s like

everything fires up

and it’s like

you just have this

insane feeling of love and happiness

watching his little kids

have a good time

laughing and joking around and cackling

and just having so much fun and

you know putting on a little princess

dress i am a princess i always thought that

would be annoying

but you don’t realize it’s not even a little

annoying it’s awesome

yeah you know it’s it’s a

crazy thing man

i always say

that having children is just like having mushrooms

if you haven’t done it shut the fuck up

cause you really don’t know

you really don’t know

having children is a strange trip man so strange

plus have you ever been around children and

watched pink

floyd the wall anyway hey

by the way if you’ve been to filthy jewish terrace com

what is that it’s a awesome web

org i’m sorry

filthy jewish terrace

org is a great website

one of my favorite websites and i just noticed that

ra shafir is on the

front page of it

he’s a terrorist

was it a comedy

no it’s a racist

jew ari shafir

posing as a

racist kkk clansman the jews are the most vile

racist creatures on the face of the

earth look at this jew

going around the hood somewhere deep in the

black neighborhood in the

inner city ghetto deep in the united

states of america

the jew attempts to

pose like a clan

member while making races into

your little that

marie marx rocket or

yeah hate that word

it’s good work man

but anyways that’s

crazy i just

wow filthy jew terrorist

org why don’t

maybe we shouldn’t want to promote that no i

wouldn’t promote it this is

awful we already said it

fuck you doing man

now are he’s

gonna get all this hate mail i’m

sorry my mom is

gonna told me

about this website it’s great

yeah don’t tell ari

about it all

right actually you have to tell him

about it now it’s on the podcast you fuck oh

how come you didn’t tell him

about it yet

you decided to broadcast this shit all throughout the

world that a bunch of

people who hate hate him

sorry ari bunch

of haters and you’re giving them all this props

ladies and gentlemen if you have any

self control

please do not go to that website do not support

these terrible people

they need jewish


what’s the difference i think

there’s a different kind of vagina that the jew has

teeth and house teeth

stinky whoa

how many jewish girls have you had sex with your

whole life total

three three and how many of them stunk

one one stunk

and did this this one have a reason for

stinking that you

could discern

i don’t know she was just a

vegan just always was like a

dirty hippie at heart you

know what it

stink like it

smell like a butt

smell just like

cheese poor

showering poor

showering okay

no more comments

no more comments from mr

rico how rude

i’ll tell you what man

i’ve done some kissing

and telling back in my day but what are you talking

about not nice this is like ten

years ago i stopped this was ten years ago i stopped

a long time

ago when you realize it hurts

their feelings this is a

ten years ago there are

things to talk about

definitely i don’t even know who

that was in ohio too

there’s a different kind of

smell they come from

it’s the cow milk or the

better milk

that grass out there

they’re more hardy

they get more cow antibiotics in

their diet yeah what the fuck joe diaz look at him

he’s looking at me he’s like

poor kid he’s lost he’s lost

it’s a man boy these guys a little

he’s a man boy

be look out that calf and at his beard

well they say that when there’s a

i think i got this right

when there’s not as many

men around men

start shaving their head

their face and start

getting more feminine

but when there’s

more men around men start growing facial hair

really yeah

it’s almost like to let all the men know that they have

testosterone they grow the facial hair to let them know

and when there’s an abundance of women

and not that many men then men get all fucking girly

they start shaving

wearing cologne and shit

you wear cologne

joe dear like

fuck out of here

right that’s what i’m talking

about spring

give me some of that man that wears cologne i don’t

trust i don’t

trust him either hide some

especially if you wear some rappers cologne here’s a

fuck are you here’s

a tip most girls

that i’ve met

love cologne

they’re the ones that buy it for

me here’s a tip so i’m not

trying to hit on you

broken bitches yeah but i’m not trying to hit on you

i don’t care if you don’t like the

smell that i

spray on me but

i spray one little

spray and that girl

smells it they like

those girls are broken

those girls are broken

it’s like shoes

like i don’t give a fuck

about shoes

but if i buy

a certain kind of shoe a certain one you know

what girls like that they like what

smells like the inside of a cage

that’s what they like

they like wood odor

musk yeah like that’s

like we’ve just been running through a forest trying to

catch them and fuck them that’s

what they like that that’s the

smell they like you know

glade like the

kitchen glade

shit they have this new

kind that smells

musky it smells like a persian

nightclub and so now

the other day my friend

sprayed it in my

house and it now

it doesn’t smell like

lysol it smells like

persian nightclub

and it’s made by the glade company

axe body spray

lysol it’s oh that’s

awful weird

is it like some bachelor scent yeah

is it really yeah

it’s like a cologne form but

what’s it called what do they call it it’s called

oh kitchen sensations or something

stupid like

oh you just spit on sorry

it’s like a porno man yeah it’s

in sensation

sounds like the name

of a porno it’s good as fucking porno

could you imagine

could you imagine if that was some fucking cia

shit if they came out with some

stuff that made people

fuck like mad dogs

and it was one of

those plugins they

stuck on the wall

like they just wanted to do some

population studies

so they can just up the

population in a neighborhood

so they start selling in a very controlled

market like cleveland or some shit

they start selling

these little glade air

fresheners wicked

cheap yeah start

giving them away you know

oh you buy a fucking a

futon you get a free glade

you know hard on

air freshener

they start sticking

these things in the wall and people just

start going

crazy just fucking the shit out of each

other the glade hard on

listen man they

could have something

like that that affects your behavior

you know when they were when the iraq war

first start jumped off

they were seriously

considered trying to figure out how to make a gay bomb

they were trying

to figure out a way to drop something on

these guys that

would be like some sort of

ecstasy concoction

that would just make them

super horny

and loving each

other and start hugging and we kill

morale and they

would just their army

would just fall apart

that’s how devious

the scientists we have working for us are

hey do i gotta blow this pop

stan this is over this fucking shows over

five o seven february fourth

mandalay bay theater buy your tickets bitches

they’re going

quickly sussman

sussman’s probably calling me right now

god damn it is it

it ain’t me

18 take a look at these dummies

i don’t like voicemail though

that’s the problem so i don’t

hey come to my show sunday at

sals comedy club on mill roads i’m having open mics

six starts at six i

could come down

sunday sunday it

starts at six o’clock what time’s it go to

like whenever that’s

all well and good but this is what you know bitches

need to know

february 4th

mandalay bay theater

joe coco diaz

joe rogan ari shafir

redband confirmed

dirty terrorist

isn’t he a terrorist

know what they say

he’ll be happy to know

you’re going

brian ari shafir

shaffir on twitter

brian redben

will be going

what you’re filming

bitch oh really some shit’s

going down february 4th

mandalay bay theater

go to joebrogan

net you could buy the tickets

it’s available

there you know what else is available

you get a discount on the

flashlight baby oh shit son

if you think beating off is good oh

you don’t know what you’re missing

ladies and gentlemen

what a cd subject to be talking about

where’s my blow up the outside

world you fuck did you get it

yeah i’m waiting

for you to stay i don’t want to hear this man

whatever you’re playing

what is that

orgasmo theme song oh okay

i thought it was real metal

i love you guys

merry christmas

we love each and every one of you bitches

even the people that like metal

we love i love

that metal i love

everything cock suckers

we love the people that love everything

what with a

facebook check yourself before you wreck yourself

you know the word you know the rest of the fucking song

about something

you can’t take a joke get on the subway big

dicks in the ass

is bad for your health


stay black cause that’s the most important

thing twitter

facebook hit me up the video

from austin is almost completed

brian how many more days you think

not long i just

got a little bit too involved editing some

music into the end of it

and now it’s taking too long so how many days

three four yeah

monday not that long

monday let’s

count on monday let’s make it a

monday’s our

grand launch

28 for austin

next week is new year’s

ufc in vegas

holla at your boy

mandalay bay

again february

4th buy tickets online you get them on joeroganet net

and that’s it

thank you to the

flashlight go to joerogane net and

click the link get 15 off

tonight tomorrow

night john lovett’s come by and see me say

merry christmas

and philippe

two shows and philippe

sparza win the last comic

standing and john lovett is

edwin san juan the filipino we’re all

gonna be down there tonight

john lovett’s club is universal city it’s 10

o’clock tonight and tomorrow in the city walk upstairs

it’s my last

place and brian’s at

sal’s melrose on

sunday and i’ll be there wednesday with brian too

thank you everybody for

tuning in stay

black love you

appreciate it love you bitches bye

i never know how to end these things

what happened is it ended

i never know how to end these things no

don’t end it don’t end it why you don’t want end it

cause i wanna hear this song alright goodbye

no no no don’t end it

i’m going to you gotta keep this going first hold on

end it bitch

just joe diaz

joe diaz needs to hear blow up the outside world i

gotta pee we’re playing blow up the outside world

what’s up baby

that’s it folks

i love you i love you

say my name

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