i write my lyrics on parking tickets and summons
to the cold i scribble this on the application for
county support i practice this like i
spoke met donald trump and he froze up
standing on his bentley yelling pimps down hoes up
trying to front all break i asked a clump all
we go stop the world make y’all motherfuckers jump off
this is my resume
slash resignation a ranso no
with proposed legislation a be
with ultimatum
you should take it
verbatim cause i got to banging
pieces and you don’t want to date them flying kite
for my folks at home who taking jokes alone we paying
in the back of those who is this the coup
the coup spell that
c o u p and the coupe
that paris remix of the song ghetto manifesto
dude these guys are good dude they’re
legit dude all their shits legit
powerful nick swartzen joins us on the podcast
powerful nick swartzen
good buddy funny comedian
first guy we’ve had on the podcast hung over like a mug
oh my god he’s hurting
right now folks my powers are weak his powers
he’s strong he’s weak when he’s strong he doesn’t even
understand it
you’re fine dude you’re gonna be good
our podcast is always a sponsored by the flashlight
are you serious yeah
oh dude that’s awesome
that’s the alien one that’s the yeah
oh jesus yeah no one’s
touches fucked up put your finger in it i don’t
know it’s gonna eat no it’s cool it’s kind of a
weird feeling oh my god that’s pat
make mouths buttholes vaginas
and even this
thing i did once i bought all the crew flashlights nice
awesome they’re really good
they’re awesome to shoot loads into really
yeah as i smell them i highly recommend it
it’s great to
shoot loads and oh right it’s right by my face no i
would never give you one that’s been shot at it’s fine
those are virgins
those are virgin lights yeah
but so they’re our sponsor
for real nice
if you go to joe rogan dot net you can get
money off you click the link
so fifteen percent off just
enter in rogan and then you can
beat off for cheap
beat off on the cheap son dude
flashlights rule
what a great invention
it’s amazing how controversial it is man
a lot of people
don’t like this is that true very unhappy
about it no way oh
yes absolutely what do you mean like if
flashlight companies people have
given me advice
to not get involved with this
this rubber oh
come on it’s pornographic mmm
it’s a very controversial subject that’s
weird it’s hilarious isn’t it yeah it seems like
it’s a problem solver
sex is bad nick
why do people don’t talk
about masturbation and sex
like my mom
never talks
about madison you
know why because people have
to work when you have to work you have to work with
women and when you have to work with
women you’re not supposed to be talking
about beating off in
front of someone’s wife or someone’s you know
mom or whatever
you can’t talk like that you can’t talk like you
would talk right here
when you’re working with a
bunch of people it’s offensive well we live
in a different reality i mean as a comedian it’s just
it’s a complete league i go home
minnesota where i’m from and it’s just
completely warped i’m like making like
aids jokes like thanksgiving dinner people are like
i’m like why is nobody
laughing they’re
like what are you doing people are crying like
you can’t just say shit
i know it’s
terrible we live in such a
harsh world
i know but it’s
also that most
people are so programmed to like you know try to be
polite and correct and not talk like that
it’s just one of
those things
the more you get used
to it the more it becomes normal it’s our normal our
our offensive is when you know you go to someone’s
house and no one will swear
right it’s like what kind of
weird conversations are we
gonna have i can’t even say shit
if i say shit you gonna
freak out like we’re not
gonna get anything
done and it’s like you don’t have to talk about like
aids diarrhea or something
all the time you know what i mean but it’s like
if some people want to talk
about that they
should be able to
and they should
if there’s blood in diarrhea occasionally and
blood carries aids you can get aids diarrhea
yeah it’s informative
and immature
that’s one of the
worst ways to get diarrhea ever
how’d you get it
oh no the worst ways to get aids ever rather
yeah i did a shot of aids diarrhea
yeah that’s how i got it you
can get aids from a tanning bed
you can get aids from a tanning bed
you get aids from a tanning bed what are you talking
about bro that’s what
chicks say you know how
everyone says you can get herpes from a tanning bed
now i heard the
other day you can get aids from a tanning bed if
somebody’s on your period
and then you sit down on that
blood and then
put what and you have an open
wound in your asshole yeah like a hemorrhoid and your
body sucks it in like a hemorrhoid
you have to kind of
like put it inside your body
you know like with
blood blood
doesn’t like
just go into your
system you know i mean it has to be
stuck in there
are squished
together like indian
style yeah is that does that work though i wonder
i wonder if
it works it’s like
28 days later
where if you
bleed on someone’s eyeball
they fucking turn into aids
monkey zombie
or whatever the fuck
i think it’s hard it’s
gotta be hard to get aids it seems to be harder to get
there has to be a lot of depression
well it’s so
crazy that you know it came
out i remember when it came out it was like the early
1980s it was a big
big public story
and i remember
thinking oh my god like this is so
crazy eventually everyone’s
gonna fuck everyone
and give everyone aids
right it’s like you can’t stop people from fucking and
if there’s some disease that kills people when you fuck
it’s we’re goners it’s the end of the
world as we know it yeah no it’s not
again and then all of a
sudden it didn’t happen that way
you know magic johnson was the
first one that
freaked everybody
out i remember i was driving i was in revere
okay i was leaving the gym i was in my car with my
girlfriend and we were listening to the
radio and they were talking
about how magic johnson was like making some sort of a
press conference
to announce that
he’s got aids that he’s hiv positive
we were like holy shit
magic johnson’s
gonna die whoa
that was reality
i thought everyone’s
going to be dead we’re
going to be fucked
because now obviously men are getting it from
women and women are getting it from men
and men are getting it from men and it’s just fucking
just a fuck sandwich out there
those mosquito aids
that aids mosquitoes remember
those oh no
magic johnson
got like some
dope ass aids it makes you look better yeah he looks
great he’s not even aging
his aids is causing him to not age
yeah great weight loss
a fountain of youth
yeah he’s like
plump and like looks
vital he’s killing it healthy
that’s fucking
strong skin
there was that one person that was the
first person that longs
yeah he’s not sagging and
everything he’s not turning
into an old person
he looks like
firm and elastic he looks a lot he looks a fucking
weird shit with aids dude
he’s got awesome aids some yeah
did you hear that dope
did you hear
about that first guy that just got cured yeah
yeah that’s
stem cells yeah
fucking time well you know there’s a whole
school of thought that it
doesn’t that
hiv and aids aren’t real
yeah i don’t
understand it and i’m not even
gonna get into it but it’s
there’s a guy named dr
peter duesberg
and he’s a biologist out of the
university of
california berkeley
and he says there’s no
connection between hiv and aids
he said that aids what aids is when people are jacked
he says it’s a
bunch of things he said it
could be drug use and a lot of people it is
it’s like a
lot of it’s crystal meth and poppers and amyl nitrate
and it’s a lot of
other undiagnosed
things and what it is is just
crushing your
t cell count and
what he says
is that the reason why people test positive for hiv
is that hiv is a very weak
virus and it can only
exist in the
system of someone who’s already been compromised
so instead of
you know that hiv
causes aids what he says is a symptom of the fact your
systems is jacked
right and the gay community like
they do a lot of crystal meth and poppers and shit yeah
so i’ve heard
so i’ve heard as well
i don’t you know i don’t pretend
that that makes
sense though it
doesn’t make any
sense that the scientists
wouldn’t have figured out that
hiv doesn’t
cause a huge
but do you really
think that they
would be that kind of a
cover up like
that mass of a
scale where
every scientist
that kind of studies it goes oh yeah yeah yeah
they connected yeah yeah
yeah i don’t know i don’t think so
that’s a big yeah
i just bet it’s a complicated
motherfucking
virus all i
know we just got
super lucky
i don’t got that shit
i got tasty loads i don’t got it yet
okay oh okay i don’t got it yet shit
i’ll get it tonight
motherfucker
how about people that go looking for it man how
about bug chasers
oh god that’s a
scary thing man
there’s people that are on purpose
getting hiv
they’re on purpose letting dude
shoot loads into them they need
to do that is there a documentary on that i put that
would be an interesting documentary
yeah you should you
should super
that should be your next project with no pants
now that the austin videos out
and everybody if you go to
my youtube page
it’s joe rogan
dot any t is my youtube page and
there’s a new video
it says good
times in austin or something like that but brian just
just completed it it’s a fucking masterpiece the
thing spectacular
a little austin
yeah a little austin and it’s got the joey
diaz incident
on the alex
jones show which was the
greatest thing i’ve ever seen on my time here on earth
it was fuck ufos landing
fuck all that i just
you know what i
mean ufos are
gonna be that funny
you know that was better than anything i’ve ever seen
i never seen a
movie that made me
laugh that hard
i never seen anything that made me
laugh that hard that i’ve
never laughed harder in my life
one time i came close
brian callan
we were all
stoned in a
hotel room with
brian callan
was doing his jiu jitsu
gay rapist bit
he does this
portuguese accent like this
heavy brazilian accent we talks
about you know like
taking guys down and
mounting them and then
raping it’s
you know dude that
sounds like
on paper yeah
he’s hilarious i can
one of the funny you know
count i can already
visualize yeah
it’s brilliant the bit is brilliant
that was those
those are close
those are close
but i think joey diaz is
gonna take the cake because that was on
on the radio in front of
probably a million listeners people
watching it on the internet from now
until you know who knows when
the videos are everywhere
and it was goddamn hilarious and was
live he just totally hijacked that dude show to hijack
it but my favorite part
about it is like
the story is hilarious on its own
but then in that
context of hijacking a live show and telling it angrily
made it like another
level of funny dude but it
started out hilarious just
queue up his rant
on the alex
jones show queue up that part and play for people yeah
you know what’s
crazy about the
whole video too is it starts off
with you saying the word retard on the
radio and how
they had to censor that
you know and then it goes to the extreme
of joey diaz
saying fucking fan
i told you after i stopped saying i said i was
gonna stop saying faggot
a guy emailed me and
asked me to stop saying
cocksucker as well and i’m like okay we are getting
crazy yeah come on like we’re getting crazy
you can’t say retard look
retarded is been a way that we describe people that are
idiots forever
and it’s not
offensive you know what’s offensive
it’s offensive that you
think that some sort of
a word is gonna make any sort
of a difference yeah i know that’s what’s offensive
that’s ridiculous look
if i’m shitting on little kids that have
down syndrome children
that’s cruel and horrible that’s not a nice
thing to do but right
it’s not what we’re talking about
we’re talking
about someone being a retard
you know what the fuck we’re saying yeah no
people are fucking
stupid like what are you supposed to say you supposed
to say idiot and
idiots okay
yeah because then
i mean you could dissect
every fucking
well you know retard
originally was the
i think the medical
designation for it was
mongoloid idiot
that was like the way they used to describe him
so i mean that was
like that was like the real nomenclature you know and
retarded sounds way better than mongooid
idiot yeah could you imagine
what the fuck man mongooid is a funny word
i think the
whole midget
thing too though the
midget thing’s
weird cause you grew up
just calling a midget
you know it’s little people yeah that’s just
crazy that’s why i call
midgets retards
i target midgets
and i call midgets faggots
retarded people faggots i just switch it up
that’s the move man that’s all you gotta
do alright here’s the joey diaz audio
this is alex jones studio
oh this is just
the part of me describing it well it goes
right into it
it’s cooler this way
you’re the master of what’s cooler dude
i’m gonna skip this last network break here right
we’re gonna skip the break
i saw a humbling thing i
said the funniest thing i ever saw in my fucking life
hey good to see you absolutely always a
place make sure the delay is on in there
i have a baggie and i put under my left
this is not a control
so your viewers know
the people i don’t want okay we’re looking for the
truth on this show is about the truth
i i got one i got there
and i had baggy clothes on and i felt on they said
because you have baggy
clothes on they didn’t know i lost
right pounds
they said we’re gonna put you to the x ray machine
i’m standing there sweating bullets
with this baggy under my fucking oh that’s enough
the right now because i’m already stopped
cancer for a couple weeks
you know the opposite hand is like saying
listen to me so i’m standing
with my legs open
you’re like ronnie danger listen stop run fucking run
not to mention my balls i’m sweating now
cause i’m not going to jail tonight
and he shook my
hand i’m like my taxpayers are hard at work no i know
go fuck yourself
joey diaz facebook twitter
check yourself before you write yourself
oh my god oh my god big dicks in your ass bad feel
check yourself before you wreck yourself
you know it’s funny i was gonna edit the song the ice
t or ice cube song you know that that’s from
but that song is actually pretty stupid
like it’s not a good
cool song to listen to well
maybe we good for that one quote yeah but that
quote that’s funny cause i remember that song being
great cause of that line but then i listened to
him like ugh
what check this out for you wreck yourself yeah
it’s like check yourself before you wreck
yourself riggity wreck yourself
i’m bad for your health
i come like this joey diaz took it to another level
right yeah he brought that he’s the funniest guy ever
there’s no one i’ve
never met anybody in my entire life that’s
funny than joey diaz
no one dude i just remember that i did a
music video with sandler
like ten years ago and joey
we used his ball sack in the video
it’s a song about shaving your pubic hair
and there’s a clip of joey’s balls like
bouncing up and down
is that online
yeah it’s called
fuck i just i trim my bush for some sure my best
i can’t remember i’m so brand
i trimmed my bush or some shit
i can’t whatever does anybody ever say that at work
i had to film that
fat man on the toilet series
which was joey
diaz fat and naked on a toilet
and the whole idea was
gonna be made for cell phones where
we filmed him on the toilet giving advice like traffic
horoscope weather news and
stuff like that and i had to be in this little
bathroom with like a
video recorder
by myself it was a hot
la day and it was just him fucking
naked and he would
stand be like oh
just balls hanging everywhere
and it was like
humid in the bathroom and he would just
start ranting
about shit yeah
there’s nothing written
right right
and i remember it was at this
in this pool house of
a friend of
one of the guys
that worked on fear factor something like that
david herwoods yeah and
like his girl
i don’t know no i don’t think
i don’t think
he was the director of
something like that yeah
and then the
wife came in and was like i brought you guys
lemonade i’m like this is fucking creepy
this is like
one of my first years
out in la and i’m like i’m doing porn this is how i
start doing corn
right i have some
lemonade but
does all cost did
joey take a shit
no he just sat there the
whole time oh
god if he did and then i
started giving like props
joey diaz doesn’t
i’ll throw up he
doesn’t fit
on toilets correctly
yeah so he leaves these
these survivors
that have like
crashed the ship and then
crawling up onto the beach the best feature
drive joey shits
he leaves you in the bathroom all the time especially
in the humidity they’re
climbing up and trying to escape like crabs in a bucket
they’re not
totally in the water like half submerged the
mirror was fog man i wrote i love you on it and
stuff like that because it was so
humid from his balls in there and the greatest part
the greatest part is
he stood up and his balls were hanging at least
12 inches or something like that and i kept on throwing
toilet paper rolls trying to hit it like a carnival
and at the very end i fucking hit it
oh my god it’s in the video it’s called joey diaz
fat man on the toilet or something like that on
his balls his balls
like they literally look like rocks in an old
ladies videos
they’re ridiculous
they’re ridiculous i’ve
never seen balls so big in my life
it doesn’t even make sense
which brings me up to a very important point
check this out
my next door well i won’t say that
some people that i know
nice nice say
people that i
know they’re very nice people this this gay couple they
they had a kid and they they
impregnated a woman
with their loads
and the way they did it was they put
their loads together
and then they
mixed it up so no way
and then they
squirted in it was just
a low grace
fall it was like and
they’re off
and it was just like hopefully it’s my fucking shit
it’s fascinating
about that i mean it’s fascinating
about that because it’s kind of weird like
they really did they didn’t just
adopt a baby they created a baby with
their own genetics like they have a couple
somehow or another
i mean they’ll
figure out eventually whose baby it really is you know
especially if they get in
fights or something like that
the idea is
that somehow or another
you’re gonna figure out
you’re gonna get
these loads in there and it’s gonna
you know they’re
gonna just have a race but they’re not
gonna have a race they’re
gonna murder each other
like a big percentage of the loads that you shoot
are just murderous
sperm killers
all they want to do is go kill
other sperm
they’re sent out there
to make sure
that the sperm that’s already in the cooter
doesn’t get to the eggs
and so they attack
and they go
smash it and the more
promiscuous the women are
the more your body produces
more of these
crazy killer sperm
that’s why ball size
is directly proportional
to female sluts in the community
so that’s why gorillas have little balls
gorillas have little balls because female gorillas are
chill they’re not whores
chimpanzees have
giant balls
because female chimps are fucking whores
they’re whores they just want chimp dick all over town
and so these chimps have to force
those killer loads in there
so that their genetics can move on to attack the loads
so these guys
in creating this baby they really launched this sperm
fucking genocide
campaign where they just attacked each
other in a dish oh my god you know there’s no harmony
in that there’s no harmony in that you know
they should have like a
like see through
flashlights and then
let’s all fuck
it and then i’ll be like an ant farm will just
watch all the shit go down all the
fighting the
sperm fight well i wonder if you could
that’s so true right
i don’t know wow if you were like you know like you had
a box and you can only well you don’t want to see each
other while you’re
shooting loads
but if you you had like something like
they had side
of the room
bluetooth like video
maybe it’s like there’s a hole in the wall and the
flashlight is attached to the hole in the wall
right and you’re in one room
fucking it and your friends in another room fucking it
and it falls into the center and that’s the
catch tray and then it mixes them all together
under some super
powerful microscope and we
watch sperm wars
sperm wars if you imagine that
would be like let’s just
pitch let’s just
pitch it let’s
pitch it dude let’s just at
least set up a meeting and just
pitch it around
see the look on people’s faces yeah and you
and it’s like you and me put our names on him or like
should we just say we’re totally committed to the show
like this is our this is our fucking dreams for morse
it’s actually a good idea
for a show you could have a show
where you took celebrities
and you you shot their loads you know they do this you
know they don’t have to actually do it
you know you just pretend they’re doing it
and then you animate what’s going on with their loads
yeah that’d be sweet
you know like
dwayne the rock johnson
versus brock
lesnar get their loads together and battle it out
you could have like fucking daniel day lewis
versus fucking jeremy irons
oh i like that one
classy sperm
fight classy
a fucking a method sperm in english accented sperm
sperm so white gloves yeah
a duel perhaps
a duel a semen
duo it’s amazing
how much distinction that accent carries
how much more you take someone’s opinion seriously
yeah they just
sound so much smarter
like that i love that show top gear
you ever watch that show no what is it so uk show
about about cars mostly
so they just
they they go on these
little trips and shit and they
drive these
crazy ferraris and shit all over the
place and they have like little games
that they play a little contest they do with each other
like who can get like the
one guy will be in a ferrari
the other guys have to
catch a plane
and then a train and he has a straight
jaunt in a ferrari
and you want to see who makes it there first
so they do a
bunch of shit like that
jeremy clarkson who’s the main host guy and
all three of the guys that are host
they’re all english
and because they’re english because they have
that english accent when they make fun of something
it seems so
preposterous like they seem so correct
right very very
influential on
americans for some reason yeah
what the fuck is that all americans
are enthralled with that accent that accent is a kill
australian is like you’re a little dirty
you know if you got that
australian thing
you know you like to
party a little crazier
you know you got the
party english girl
boomerangs yeah it’s like they’re really
close but they’re more like more like
party we had the
party mate yeah
yeah was that good
no why is that a bull
yeah although
they’re crazier
the australians a little wilder
the englishster
thought of it as more distinctive
drink that heroin mate
don’t be a fucking pussy
i don’t even know what accent
that was there was a combination
i think that was welsh
yeah yeah i
think that was like aztec
meets fucking
the craziest i’ve ever met is dublin
no not dublin
belfast belfast
northern ireland jesus i’ve
never talked to anybody with an accent like that before
their accent is almost impenetrable
when they’re talking to you it’s almost like you look
right in front of a dude he’s
speaking english
and you don’t have a fucking clue what he’s saying
what was that accident that movie
snatched remember all
those dudes
that could make out
there were gypsies
right gypsy
yeah brad pitt of the
crazy fucking
x pikey’s that’s what yeah that’s
right yeah pikey’s there’s a lot
that’s what it’s
like man that’s
what it’s like in belfast belfast is nuts
belfast have
never been to a
place more depressing
you know and people belfast
heard it’s paradise
they get mad when i say this
i’ve said this a few times you
know and people from belfast are like fuck you this
belfast is awesome
it’s raining
every day dude
it’s raining every day
everything’s gray if you take a color
picture of something you have no idea it’s color
cause it’s fucking gray
everything looks like old time
everything’s goddamn
black and white why
would they even if if
we lived in belfast we would
never even need to invent
color cameras
cause you wouldn’t use them
everything’s fucking gray
by the way i hate it when people are from a place and
like they can’t even shit on
their own like i’m from minnesota
there’s bad parts that there’s bad things
about it i can fucking
admit that i hate it when people are like i’m from here
dude no it’s my fucking grew
up it’s like
silly bro fucking people get attached to different
they get attached to their
patch of dirt
you know they get attached
their their chocolates
right spot this
is our turf
this is our fucking area man
what’s the deal with
gypsies do they even
exist is that
even a race absolutely
so when you say like
those gypsies are in the
going through my trash
that’s like is that like saying that
those are really gypsies or
that i like
a slang i’m
calling them
gypsies for a reason there are a
whole lot of them here in america
and europe though there’s a lot of
gypsies yeah yeah
i mean it’s
these are just people
traveling around they seem like they hide
good or something well they know a lot
about werewolves
if you’re ever in a werewolf
movie a fucking shitload
about werewolves
gypsies are always the ones man oh
really the latest one benicio del toro
very gypsy based
heavy in the
gypsy content
dude i love gypsies
you ever had sex with the gypsy
well no i have a gypsy
flashlight though
do you yeah what’s the difference
it’s got a fucking bandana on and
some fucking
trinkets and shit
and fucking
it like fucking
whispers and shit like sides
ankle bracelets shit
dirty dirty
ankle bracelets
every girl who has anchor bracelets want dick
that’s a fact
if you’re walking around with
ankle bracelets on you want some dick or a toe ring
or a toe ring that’s just a fucking dick
dive start dirty bitch
jesus goddamn cock magnet
i used to wear
that’s a fucking dick diving
board yeah man you trying to look
sparkly and
shiny in your
ankles and your feet what are you saying
yeah look at your legs that’s what you want yeah
how much difference has that been like a
watch though
you know people that are obsessed with
watches for guys no that’s like jewelry
it’s no different but
every guy wants pussy see
every guy wants sex
every 100 most
women don’t want sex from you
that’s what the deal
is that’s the difference so in a guy doing it makes
sense he’s trying to
track someone
who’s like look at the shiny
look you’re so
shiny with your
shiny would just
start wearing sequin
shirts then
it’s not that
you got to be careful
wouldn’t it’s
gonna attract the wrong
it’s too much shiny and
these guys go oh i want that
if it were really just
if shiny was the only key people
would have like diamond top hats and shit and fucking
like i would have a fucking
diamond turtleneck and just be walking around and
cane sequence
no well the dumber the
environment
you know the more more diamonds you will use
right you know
your pretend
time by the way is fucking hilarious you’re
have you seen his new show and kind of
i’m guilty of not seeing it
it’s very good
that’s what
nick swartzen is attached it has my unequivocable
seal of approval
i love you notwithstanding i’m sure i
would love it so filled
and fucked up
people either
love it or they hate it
i have people come up to the
fucking that
that means you’re doing the
total correct
thing yeah that’s what i
think i love the cat in the
wheelchair that’s one of my favorite favorites some
critic goes your show i have a
sketch up for people who don’t know
it’s already done but
at a critic goes
uh yeah i watch the next words
and show it’s just the same old shit we’ve seen before
literally my show is a
cat in a wheelchair that does cocaine like
yeah what a broken record that theme is
a cat in a fucking
wheelchair that does coke yeah
god been there done that
we have a huge problem
with really really mediocre people that are criticizing
other people
really mediocre
writers really mean oh my god
this day and
age is fucking
crazy because
anybody can be a critic yeah i have to and there’s a
fucking retarded yeah
and if you’re
snarky enough and if you’re shitty enough
about people
you know you can get really popular
a lot of these websites
they just keep at it
every day and they’re shitty
and douchey to people and they get a lot of hits yeah
and so then everybody
starts thinking well that’s all i
need to do to be a critic i just need to be a douchebag
and so critics equal
you just try to find
a way to shit on things
you know and your actual
assessment of what you like or don’t like there’s no
real substance to any of it
cause you’re a fucking moron
if you had anything to
contribute you
wouldn’t be a goddamn critic in the
first place
right i mean
who the hell
would want to be a critic if you’re a creative person
i mean there’s one
thing to be an appreciator of art
and that appreciation leads you to be a critic
like i think like
roger ebert
i think that guy
truly appreciates the art of filmmaking i think
there’s critics like that that are artists that like
he actually
appreciates what he’s talking
about it’s like a really important meaningful
thing to him
but then on the flip side
i get annoyed by critics who like
will see movies that i do
and you know
roger ebert in
particular but guys who are like
highfalutin critics and they’ll be like
yeah i saw bench warmers this is garbage it’s like well
yeah that’s
not fucking for you you know what i mean like if
you’re a big critic like
don’t review a
movie that you’re obviously gonna find
flaws in the plot of like
what the fuck you know people that
are looking
silly movies they’re
going to a fucking hot dog store
and they’re looking for some insane
seven course french dinner
you’re not gonna get it
stupid that’s
a hot dog and hot dogs are cool too you’re not
gonna get it dude
you know people don’t
understand man
yeah you go to fucking taco bell you’re not
gonna get fucking
salmon sashimi
it is what it is
smoke a joint go see
a giggle done
done laugh so done done
that’s it that’s all you
gotta do and it’s mostly
for kids so what the fuck’s your problem man it’s
about little league baseball you fucking
piece of shit
you motherfucker you
motherfucker
i got this theory
about critics though and
about all this
negativity on the internet
on the internet i think in some ways it’s good
because i think it’s like
getting a little bit of snake venom
all the time
you know you get a little bit
here a little bit there and eventually become immune to
snake venom
whereas a lot of people who’ve
never experienced anything like criticism
on the internet from anonymous people just being
completely shitty
about you it’s gnarly
gnarly and for a lot of people that have
never experienced it it’s like a jolt for
their system
like i’ve seen i’ve met people that have gone through
you know they’ve got like some internet fame
or had some
things happen to them and you can tell
like when people have been shit on you can tell
when like a lot of
people have attacked them with hate mail it’s just like
jolts their personality
yeah so a little
bit here and there from douchebags here and there
you just got to realize
eventually you come to this sort of a recognition that
the reason why they’re
communicating like that is not really necessarily
because they
didn’t really they responded that way to your product
a lot of the reason why they’re
communicating them that way is because they’re a mess
right a mess is a
human being
they’re not
that creative they’re not that special they’re
angry all the time
their relationships probably don’t work out very well
they’re filled with
angst they don’t know how to become
great they want something more than what they are
they want to be
treated as special even though they don’t want to
actually do the work to become special they’re cunts
right well it’s like
with stan it’s like inevitable that you’re
gonna get fucking haters yeah
cause i can
stand up it’s like you can’t have a
great show every you know like
right that’s when i
started doing
stand up and you get to that
thing where it’s like you’re
gonna fucking bomb eventually have to
you have to
so i always tell people who wanted to
stand up like
you know it’s
gonna it’s fucking hard as shit and you’re
gonna fucking it’s not fun yeah it’s the hardest part
the hardest part is not doing well
this this like
when you do
joey diaz as a bass he said
stand up is the
it’s the hardest easiest
thing you’ll ever do
right the hardest easiest
thing cause when it’s easy it’s easy
when it’s hard it’s hard
when you say
when you get like this
it’s so fucking
awful it’s brutal
i’ve had that happen i’ve had that happen
i’ve eaten shit several times in my life
where i was like
i felt like
like as low as a dog
dying it’s like
right there it’s
awful dude i mean the
first time i got food off stage
i was like shell
shocked like my hands were shaking like
i didn’t go on
stage for like a week dude in new york
it was fucking awful
yeah it can get you
yeah it’s scary and then
once you but you know it’s a
weird thing that
stand up like that negative
stand up is so painful it’s very
like if you wanted to look at it like as a
psychological
study it’s a really intriguing topic
because what’s
going on is
you are requiring so much attention
you are asking for so much energy and so much
focus on you
that you’re actually
standing on a
stage with an amplified
voice and a spotlight on you
and this is like a big brash step to take
and if you’re eating it out there and people paid
money to see you talk
the anger swells
up inside them they want you to know like this is not
entertaining yeah
you fuck you find
you feel those feelings you are failing at your job
you were given
a job and you’re making everybody feel like shit to
bring us joy
and you’re doing the fucking opposite
and now we’re angry
and we’re fucking turning into a mob
yes and we’re
gonna fucking
fist you when he comes in
exact opposite man
have you ever seen a guy say something like
super offensive like
sometimes comics will say something
and what they’re just trying to do is just trying to
come up with something funny and
a lot of it comes out
before you’ve really thought about it
and a lot of
comics will
like you know
they’ll try to be like
super controversial
and they’ll say like insulting shit
but just like the kramer nigger thing
like that like
he didn’t know what he was doing
he fucked up he’s an
idiot obviously but it’s like
what was he
doing he was just taking chances he was just
seeing what’s in the cylinders pulling
triggers he didn’t know what he
was he had bullets and blanks
what do i got here i got a rocket i’m just
fucking panicking and
dying up here
and people were yelling at him that you suck you ain’t
funny look we have a nigger
well and then he’s committed to it he’s like i’m just
gonna go with this this is my new sketch
that by the way for people who wanted to stand up
don’t push that
panic button
if you ever fucking
that’s the wrong button the
one that kramer push was
right on one
run off stage
every other button
is right yeah
literally take a shit on the
stage pull your pants down
take a shit
throw it at someone like a fucking monkey
fucking not
do not drop
a fucking n
bomb on stage
oh yeah you
gotta be real careful with that one god and it was
funny cause then kramer
tried to do it with kramer mannerisms
where it was just like i don’t know kramer
not working
he was doing a lot of
weird shit on
stage it was really strange
he was coming to the comedy
store a lot
and it was real weird
cause he didn’t really like talk to anybody you know
it was just
kind of odd you know how he’s hanging out and he
would do like
these weird
like pratt falls and sketches and
stuff on stage it was very strange i got into a
fight with him
did you really yeah about what
i want the improv one
night and i walked
in the showroom and it was like a pretty full crowd
and he was on
stage this is a week before
fucking and
extravaganza
happened so he’s on
stage and he’s melting
down melting the fuck like
talking about the war there was no jokes
and he just was like getting like dark and the
crowd was like
super uncomfortable
haha and so i grab the
shoulder manager and i go give him the fucking light
and he goes no it’s i can’t it’s michael richards i go
give him the fucking
light and he goes no and i go i’ll give him the fucking
light so i started fucking
flashing the light
and he looks at the
light he looks over at the
booth he looks at me
and i just kept
flashing the
light and he fucking got off and we
after after a
minute and i
grabbed the mc
and i go bring me on
after him i wasn’t
gonna go on
but i go bring me on
and they were like okay
so they brought me
right up and he’s passing me as he’s walking on
stage he’s like
who the fuck give me the
light i go i gave you the fucking
light and i went on
stage and did a fucking half hour so the
crowd had a fucking good show you know what i mean like
and he was yelling
in the back of the room is fucking livid
and i just and
i and i fucking go i’m
sorry that you guys had to fucking see that i fucking
for michael richards i go
yeah i go you know they didn’t fucking
pay to see this dude was holding them fucking prisoner
no jokes was yelling at them like be rating this
crowd i was like
whoa fuck you bro
and then a week
later he got
fucking that was
the whole end
thing at the fucking lesson do you
think he was gacked up on something i do
i saw him that
night that he went
to the end i don’t know dude
you thought he was gacked up on something
you saw him at the comedy
store right
what happened is he went to the comedy
store first
before he went to the
laugh factory
and he brought this
friend of his and they were just
acting really
fucked up and then he went on
stage ate shit
and i was like telling
you i called you yeah i said something like dude
kramer michael richards was just here man you
should see he was fucked up and all this
other crap yeah you said he had a meltdown and then
brent ernst
drove from the
laugh factor the
comic store need to told the whole
story to everybody wow
and everybody was like well we thought that was
gonna be the end of it though we had no idea there’s
gonna be a video of it
he goes dude you know brenner it’s goes in this fucking
whole story
about it like he’s on
stage dropping the end bomb
i’m freaking the fuck out he’s calling
these guys not just
dropping him a
calling these guys
going look here’s
there are niggers
yeah pointing it was like whoa
and we were all
we were all
super baked too so it seems so surreal
it didn’t seem real at all when you hear a
story like that you’re like what kramer said this
kramer so the way
uhf is one of my favorite
movies yeah me too me too
you know it’s jan
i can’t give a
shout out to uhf
it’s weird when
those guys go from
being on a sitcom to not being on a sitcom anymore
and then trying to do
stand up which is
you go from this
world where
the fake producer laugh
like when you’re doing a sitcom and you do
like run throughs
everyone laughs at
their own jokes so you’re like mike
what kind of a can is that
it’s like everyone
laughs in the
background cause the producers want the network to
think that what you’re saying is so hilarious
i guess it’s so bad sometimes like when
you’re doing reshoots that it’s actually distracting
like when you have to reshoot a
scene or something didn’t work right
and so when they reshoot a
scene like they don’t have an audience sometimes we
would do it like on
these radio till like two o’clock in the morning
and so you would do it and then you’d hear
this gross fake
laugh from the producers are from the
right right
so they go from that
world where like everybody laughs at
everything you say would you like another bagel mr
magic land yeah he’s just living in this fucking
world where
he’s a goddamn king
you know you show up on the set and
there’s a parking spot with your name on it
and everybody
stumbles over themselves to get you coffee and
would you like a
magazine what can we do for you sir i just
i just say it’s so disrespectful you
know it was so disrespectful because it’s like i’m just
as a psychological yeah
yeah no no no
i hear you i just hate it when people do that shit
where it’s like
i mean even like myself i took a year off from
stand up because i didn’t have
a new act that you know that i was
that i really was
happy with i’m working on it
right now but it’s like i
but i don’t say that for
sixteen years i you know and i was like i’m
gonna take time off
cause i’m not
ready so for
motherfuckers to go on
stage and be like
yeah i’m fucking
famous i’ll just go up and just
stand there and fucking yeah
i try to win it’s like fuck you dude i
totally totally completely
agree with you and totally side with your
you know decision to like to pump the
crowd up and everything
but what i’m looking at is a crazy
person i don’t
think it’s as simple as like here’s a guy who
you know he just you’re saying
like lack of attention like they need that fill that
void of like yeah he’s broken i
think there’s a pathology there
i think with
quite a few actors there’s a pathology and
the solution to this pathology
is attention massive massive doses of attention
i think a lot of people that are
famous are crazy
and the way to become
recognize the
way to get what they’re looking for is just to be
extraordinary it’s something
right so look i am special
so whether it’s
acting whether it’s singing or whatever it is
they start out with a pathology
they start out with
they’ve got a fucking
psychological disorder
there’s some wiring that’s fucked up
i think that’s a huge percentage of people that are
famous right i
agree and i mean that’s what
brings on the drug
it so you know
which i don’t partake
in never i’ve
heard that it’s
very prominent in the community i’ve
heard it too
i find it did you hear
about that it’s not necessary
i smelled it
before yeah
which part the
hey did you
do you have any time to do
stand up right now
like you’ve been like it seems like you’re in like four
movies being
made four different tv shows like you’re just
being worked like
crazy are you i had a crazy
year man it was cool
i knock on wood
i’m very i was
worried yeah it was a
great year i don’t
think you like disappeared for like six
months it seemed like i did i shot two
movies out of town and then
but i took a
while off stand up and
i’m getting back into it but you know i was i
could have toured
and done more shows but i just
i don’t believe in paying
having people paid to see the
you know the same act i just did on
fucking tv right
what do you how do you
when you do that right like
everybody’s got
their own method i
think louis
ck’s methods the most fascinating he does a new one
every year i don’t know how the fuck he does that
he’s a maniac just saying work so hard
just works really hard it was like
brian regan and
gaff again like those guys
write so much yeah
i try to write a lot i’m
ready for a new special now i have
oh really so it’s for me it’s like
it’s been almost two years
since i filmed the last one i have
enough material now for another one oh that’s great but
it’s tricky man
i’m scared i’m
gonna release this i know i’m
gonna release this and then i
gotta go on a mad writing spree for like four months
is you have like four
months from the time that you film something
to the time it actually gets
you know yeah
don’t be in a rush i gotta go
crazy no i got shows to do
bitch i gotta
come up some new jokes i
gotta do some mushrooms
it’s fucking good
that’s the move man i need
a new level
need to hit a new level
yeah i just zone out next
level shit i just think it’s
crazy shit when i’m driving
that helps i
never sit down and
drive with no
music on right
yeah just fucking zone it out
and fucking take the crazy shit
yeah there’s something about
driving that’s almost like meditative
yeah like your mind
just fucking goes away
yeah there’s like part of your
brain that says okay we only need this amount
to pay attention to
where we’re going
we need this amount
look at all this free
brain we got
what do you
wanna do you
wanna think
about shit okay let’s think
about life hey let’s think
about something with farting
think about a new
thing about farting
because when you listen to the
music you know which is
great i love listening to
music in my car but
then you’re not
thinking as much
then you go you’ve got another 10
of your brains
occupied with that
right right
or more yeah i have like a new half hour i’m pretty
psyched but
i need a fucking
another half hour so how do you you don’t sit down and
write you never
write on it
i never have
really just come up with it on the fly i come up with
stuff on the fly or i’ll just keep adding
you know i’ll go up on
stage with a premise and then work it out
and then just find more
stuff in that premise you know do you
keep your whole act in your head or
do you have
things written
down i always
write it down
right but bring up a little
piece of paper
you always write it down before you go up on
stage yeah i read a new
style and i put it yeah
but i only go on with new
stuff i mean it’s rare that you’ll see me tell the same
but what i’m
saying is like do you do you have any do you have your
stuff written
out anywhere like you have like here’s my you know
monkey business
right nothing
you record your shit and listen to it ever no i
should really do
that that’s the best that’s the best that’s what i’ve
heard that’s helped
me with the
iphone just record
listen to it on the way home makes a big difference
man there’s so many little taglines that i forgot
about that’s the thing is
i forget nuances of
fart jokes that’s
annoying man when you come
up with the perfect tag it’s like perfect and you go
motherfucker i’m not recording the show
it’s also embarrassing
like i don’t know if this ever happened
to you and someone reminds
you of like a really good joke that you told once
and i’m like oh i forgot
about that one like oh i love that joke it’s like
yeah i’m real professional
i can remember my own fucking jokes i’m like
oh i did like that joke yeah
thank you for reminding me of my own act yeah well
cause i’m a fucking
idiot people will
call out request sometimes it shows you know like you
know at the end of the show i do like a question answer
thing oh really yeah
that’s a good idea
it’s fun so much fun
you know and
when people call out bits like two am nicole
smith i’m like i don’t even know how to do it
right i don’t know how it goes
i don’t know
i don’t know how it goes
anymore i don’t i know it was mine i know i wrote it
i don’t remember how it goes
i have to go listen to it a
bunch of times and then practice it and shit
yeah that’s the words whenever i go home to minnesota
cause i started there so i’ve done
standard for sixteen years so people call out jokes
that i told at an open mic ten
twelve fifteen years ago whoa
i do the fried chicken
i’m like what
i’m like i don’t know what the fuck that is
does minnesota have like a real
like community a
stand up comedy community dude
sick fine line
dude it’s got like
is that acne
what’s one of the
best yeah acne
is one of the best comedy clubs in the country
but yeah they got a good
scene there dude
it’s awesome you’ve done
stand up in minneapolis
yeah you only
won this field
came on stage yeah
yeah i came on fine line cafe
with my pants
falling off
it was awesome
the last day
that was fun man that was cool
you know you’re the only guy who’s ever come on
stage with me
forever really no
no one’s ever done that before yeah
never that’s a
good video too fun
joe show minneapolis
that was yeah
great one but they’re
great crowd they were awesome
awesome dude i’ve been wanting to go back and do
acme because i keep hearing how amazing acne is
everybody says it’s like one of the best comedy club so
dude you even fucking love it everybody says that man
there’s only a few
comedy clubs in the country that totally have it nailed
you know like there’s the comedy works in denver
and you know
there’s a few
other ones they
still do that fucking
early show though i hate the
early show you don’t have to do it dude
tell them no
there’s a three shows on saturday i do now
i can’t do three shows anyway i don’t fucking
no i can’t do that
two is all i can
if i did a third i just be
greedy and i
would be given a half ass show it’s not the same
you’re exhausted
two hours of
you know after that
is over man the last club i did was the chicago improv
you did three
i did know i did
thursday to friday to saturday and one sunday
and i looked like fucking
betty white on fucking sunday i
i partied so
hard i can’t even do it i did so hard to go into a club
cause i went an early
i went to like cubs games and just got fucking
twisted dude so
i came in out of the gate and
just like so hard dude
cause people get fucking like
my fans are fucking crazy
like i’ll get
i don’t do shots on
stage anymore i cut all that
stuff out really
just because of
floodgates it
just turns into it can get dangerous yeah i did
it caroline’s once and it was a huge mistake on that
one time i was in minneapolis
and i was like just on a bender
and i fucking grab the waitress i go
hey can i get a
drink on stage she’s
like yeah what do you want i go can i get six shots of
tequila all
by the way all for me
the crowd looks at me fucking horrified
like i thought people can be like yeah and they
were just staring at me and then i just realized like
i look like such an alcoholic
so that i made
another great choice of going
does anybody want to do
these with me and it just was like
and so wow yeah but i was pretty funny
i saw joe meltdown in vegas
how much was it
twenty one shots or something
it’s grown in stature over the years
i don’t know how many it was it was nineteen
at least thirteen
tequila we know is
least thirty was all kinds of
stuff yeah i
threw up into a garbage
can after i got off stage
i was so hammered on
stage i couldn’t remember jokes i couldn’t talk it was
ridiculous i get off stage
and throw up into a garbage can
and i remember
not believing how much liquid was coming out of my body
like this doesn’t even make
sense like this is like
what this is like a broken fire hydrant or something
it was like
the pie eating scene and
stand by me
stand by me
just a cartoonish amount of liquid that was horrible
i have photos but
they were lost dude already landed one of the fucking
grossest things i’ve seen
he would did a show in
vegas and i was hanging out with him and
somebody he was like somebody
have any jack
and someone
threw a lukewarm
fucking bottle of jack on
stage lukewarm
already pours it into a fucking big
glass takes a
straw and sucks the
whole thing down oh it was probably
it’s what’s a like
not a pint or what the fuck is it
those like flaps the
glass bucket
whatever are you sure that that was real that
wasn’t a plant it was i
cause i was like it’s
gotta be a plant no because he opened up the seal and
everything was a
it was like a
brand new bottle
wow whoa and chugged it i almost
dude i almost
threw up watching it
jack is hard
luke warned
how bad did that affect you when that arty lang
thing went down when you
tried to commit suicide
ah it was too terrible man i was really
i mean yeah do you
connect yourself like when you have friends that are
comics and you know
comics and they do they do
things and they commit suicide and shit like that like
does that how does that
freak you out
i get really really emotional
really emotional
greg geraldo was a really really good friend
mitch hedberg was a good friend i mean i was
i mean i cried for a long time when mitch died
it was fucking
awful dude i’ll
never forget that i just
it was terrible
and greg to
me greg unique
talent oh yeah
but greg i was devastated when greg died me i’ve
known i’ve known greg he was one of the
first comics i’ve ever
met so we were friends
fifteen years ago he’s my
first friend in new york
i mean yeah i mean i
party hard you know what i mean but it’s like you know
those guys were on another
level mm hmm
you know pill guys
the guys who will just grab pills and i was at a
at the comedy
store one night and a
buddy of mine
came to see me and he goes hey man you want an oxy
i get that a
lot lately yeah i was like what
are you giving me heroin
you’re gonna give me a heroin pill
what the fuck dude yeah
you know what is
going on that’s
that’s another
level of partying that pill
party yeah like there’s another
level i mean yeah i fucking
drink and ship
it’s like there’s another
a whole another dimension but
some guys man
you know it’s like you know it’s like what happened in
vegas like after like six shots
like you’re
you’re gone
gonesville you know if you took something
and then you
take something that leads to more bad judgment
and then somebody offers you something else you
throw that in the mix to
and who else wants to join the
party yeah you
know you’re just you’re already down i’m not
thinking well land you know you’re
already intoxicated
you’re fucked up you’re
drunk you’re high on something whatever it is
and it’s causing you
that’s why i get so mad when people connect pot
with any of
those other drugs
because pot does the
exact it’s so different
yeah i don’t connect
it makes you
super paranoid you don’t start
thinking you’re superman and you’ll fucking take drugs
somebody gives
you some pills like what the fuck is this he
could be trying to poison me
he might be work for the government
you know you
start thinking a million different retarded things
you don’t think
fuck it give it to me i’ll take it
what’s the last thing you
think of when
you have yeah
i mean i’ve
never took a hit of a joint and then been like
we gotta get coke it’s like
nobody ever does that pot is the anti gateway drug
it’s the exact opposite
it gets you
paranoid and makes you humble and it makes you
not wanna do all
those other drugs
cause you don’t
wanna fucking die cause
you wanna hug your mom
cause you forgot to tell your lover
you know and you
start thinking
about your friends and man i really
should be just like
more generous or something i need to be nicer
i need to be a nicer person
those are the messages of marijuana
marijuana is the
happy plant whose is the fucking
killer dude yeah
you could be totally
yeah but that’s the
blood in the toilet but
booze is responsible for a lot of fun i love you booze
you can’t hate on booze that’s another
thing it’s like people will
like on my facebook and stuff
and people i know are like try to like
intervene like
i have a problem you know people like you’re
fucking alcoholic you’re destroying yourself was like
first of all
i drink yeah i
drink every weekend yes i do
i’m not the only one at the bars
it’s not fucking an
empty room that i’m
drinking it you know what i mean like
people don’t
understand like you can go out and have fun i don’t
drink because i’m sad
i like i love
drinking i love
going out it’s like the best to
me like i fucking have a
blast so like
people don’t
understand that they like
if i had to be sober for a year i
could you know what i mean it’s not like i
would fucking
here’s the bottom line you are not
gonna live forever even if you eat fucking sprouts
everywhere literally
you’re not gonna live forever it’s not
gonna happen
and booze is fun
you know if you’re if you’re
partying with a
bunch of friends
and you do a few shots and everybody gets lifted
and you all
start laughing your fucking
asses off as long
as you with good
drunks yeah
you’re not with people that
become assholes when they get drunk
which by the way there’s a new
study that just came out
today where
they linked a gene that was my
elbow oh jesus
no i didn’t even flinch
i’m a hard man
anyway there’s a
study that came out that said that there’s
a gene that they’ve isolated that causes
violent behavior
in some men when they drink
like it’s actually a gene
oh really yeah like they
think that like you know
what dude we have friends you know we know people that
drink and just
become a totally different person right
now they’re saying like
there’s a reason for this like
there’s like certain people have certain genetics that
make them respond a certain way
right yeah i can see that
yeah so in that
sense booze is not for everybody
but nothing’s for everybody
right nothing is
for everybody
some people can’t eat peanuts
some people can
eat peanuts
some people some people are allergic to wheat
just stick to
white people some people
can’t look at fucking a dolphin
are they yeah no
i don’t know if that happens but that
might i think they fucking shit
their pants or something they shit
their pants yeah
i know this
girl that you can’t she can’t see somebody put cotton
in their mouth i can’t
touch cotton
you can’t i get really uncomfortable you have
no cotton balls oh cotton balls like just
straight cotton like it gives me like why what is that
about i don’t know it just makes me uncomfortable
really yeah whoa
so that way i can’t fucking do heroin
so are you scared of q tips though uh
cotton yeah
like cotton balls if you just like
ey really ew
right yeah wow
see i don’t
think i have anything like that
i wish i had
something like that though something really crazy yeah
something really crazy
speaking of
partying i was talking i was telling joe a
story about chris lieben
who’s a friend of mine who
fights up on new years
and this one matches
can i tell it real quick yeah please
so i did a show in hawaii in oahu
and i was a fan of lebans
and so i was like i contacted
him i’m like hey you want to come out to the show
so he’s like yes he comes out to the show
and michael’s get fucking
drunk and he’s
like now i’m like why goes because i just i
once i go there it’s just the
wheels come off and i go fuck you
i go let’s drink he’s like no
so i’m in hawaii for a week
every night i call
leave and i’m like you’re a fucking cunt let’s fucking
drink every
night he’s like no no no
finally the last
night he’s like you know what you
wanna go big and i go yeah let’s go fucking big
he’s like alright i’ll go big
literally it was like a
movie cut to even
blacked out choked
two of my friends out at dave and buster’s on the floor
foaming at the
mouth everyone’s like screaming
he got me in a fucking
chokehold like a
some leg lock around my neck i almost
started fucking crying
it was like
complete mayhem everyone was fucking terrified
and the next day
is like i fucking told you dude i was like yeah it’s my
fault wow it
just was like
and i’m not leaving out a lot of shit
cause it just like turning to armageddon
like thank god his
girlfriend was there
and she was the only person that
could fucking talk him
down it was like a werewolf yeah listen to me man when
the guy who’s a cage
fighter for a living tells you
you don’t wanna see me
drunk i know
trust him i know i’m such a fucking moron
and i was like
a little fucking mosquito i just was like
just cut to like me like terrified
oh my god dude yeah but joe and i were talking about
partying with
fighters and
stuff cause we’re i’m a big
mma fan ufc and
i party with a lot of those dudes and it just
we have the
famous mayhem
story you were there for the mayhem story yeah it’s the
first time i met him yeah we went to skybar across the
street and we walk into the skybar and
suddenly he looks over and sees this like
bed you know how they have beds there with
there’s like
eight girls all drinking wine he’s like
gets to do a body flop
so he runs and charges jumps does a body flop on it
and i just see wine
glasses flying in the air red merlot
flying on all these people and i just
grabbed joe me and joe went
around the corner and was just like what the fuck fuck
like we were like
trying to distance ourselves
and we look
around the corner and then yeah he’s getting
taken out by security well we didn’t
quite go around the corner we backed up to the bar
but we couldn’t believe what he did
he just we were joking around
about something and he had this
beat just made this big
laugh ha ha
and then he back swan dived
like backwards
into this pile of people
you know he’s fucking 200
something pounds and
he’s a big fucking
strong dude yeah
just one of
those things where he
should have thought
about it for a
second and then he
wouldn’t have done it
no he fucking
goes big i party with jay a lot he’s a buddy
that doesn’t surprise me he
fucking does you know what’s most
shocking thing
about that dude not that he’s you
know an excellent fighter
he’s a really good writer
he writes really
well like have you read his articles and he
writes for fight
magazine no
very smart guy man he’s very bright
and they’re they’re
they’re really they’re self
deprecating they’re interesting there he’s observing
he’s very very observative
is that a word
observatory
is that a word
i don’t know observatories
observatories
observative
that’s i guess it’s a word
observational
observational anyway
he makes great observations
he’s a really like
and he’s like
really like you know there’s a lot of dudes who write
about wild shit
but they’re not really living a wild life
he’s truly living a wild life
i mean he’s a fucking professional cage
fighter right
and a very bright guy and a good writer so his
stuff is interesting
you know it’s like here’s
a guy that’s like talking it and walking it man dude
i remember i met him out at a club one night
and he showed up with a fur coat no
shirt underneath and two
asian girls on his arms and sunglasses i was like
what the fuck are you doing
and nicest guy you ever
wanna hang out with so nice
since i was actually
cool guy i was with jay on fucking
that’s was it this weekend
it was his birthday
on the day after christmas
yeah and he goes i’m having a birthday
party and i just was like
i’m not going to that party
like i made the conscious choice i knew that it
would be like
once your pot committed to that shit dude it is the
wheels can come off
jay was like
fighting you
could tell like his
energy was just like through the roof i was like oh no
but happy birthday jay love you
he’s a wild
motherfucker
i love that dude
he’s a crazy dude
it’s interesting having people like that in the
world you know
you know everybody
tries to put
everybody in a neat little box you know them
try to like
you know here’s the guy that’s like
this guy and that guys like this guy and that cause
every now and then you meet someone like mayhem
and you go oh look at this
motherfucker
where do you put him
where’s what
boxes there for him
it doesn’t exist
but he’s super
funny too yeah very
funny man i’m trying to get him he’s doing
stand up at the improv
soon i think is
he really oh he fucking did it and didn’t call me i was
so pissed we did ari
show he did a
storyteller
show he did ari
show and ari
said it was great
said he went
right great
that’s cool yeah he’s
i think he’s a very
smart guy man you do anything he sets his mind to
yeah i think he’d be a
funny stand up
he was telling
me he did told some jokes that didn’t work
i heard now he said faggot on stage
it was like
doing something i just kept saying faggot
and he’s like yeah the
crowd didn’t go with me on it i’m like yeah it’s tough
the club was in west hollywood bro
little tough you know he said he’s
gonna stop saying
that word too we had him on the podcast we talked about
not saying faggot anymore
but i mean the faggot’s a word that
i’ve a new bit in my act
about where i’d say that
faggots shouldn’t be
used to describe gay people what
should we use to describe cats
that should be the word
cats are just
such fucking faggots
that’s just bullshit i love it you know what
i mean it’s a
great word unfortunately
it’s such a fucking good word but it’s like a
word but it’s such a hot
topic you know
i mean whatever it’s
touchy about
it but it’s like
if you don’t if you don’t
point at a fucking gate and be like
you’re a faggot
that’s offensive you know what i mean
but if you’re like yeah
my car broke down my car is a fucking faggot
yeah you know what i mean like why is that offensive
the problem is it’s
funny i know it’s like
the funniest word to say in that situation
i mean it makes
you know if you like i used to have this joke
where i called my dog a faggot
oh really yeah
because it was about the
remember that pot commercial
where the dog
starts talking to the
chick and tells him oh
yeah smoke weed
and the joke i call the dog a faggot
cause that’s like the funniest
thing you could say to your dog
yeah i’m fucking faggot
like who who you talking to
stupid you’re telling me to stop smoking weed
yeah you’re a
doggy dumb cunt
yeah it’s like if you yeah
if i’m like my
shoes a cunt
yeah i’ve up my cunts through the roof
ever since i stopped saying faggot
i’ve been saying cunt like
crazy everyone’s a cunt now
and i’m kind of
enjoying it that’s a
tough one to pull off on
stage two now you
could do it it’s fine
let it go nah
i i call people content
stage all the time
there’s you know what
if really if you you’re
gonna get offended by me calling
someone a cunt or saying something’s a cunt in a in
stand up comedy
you’re not you’re
the wrong show
you’re the people
gonna live shows this
is for people
out there i mean i your fans already fucking know this
but like you can’t go to a show
and get offended
and be a fucking offender
it’s like the
stupidest fucking
thing yeah it’s there you dare to have just try to go
along just if
you’re seeing good comedy
just go along just
have a good fucking time you don’t have to agree with
everything the person is saying just have fun
just have fun and
relax and if you don’t like it leave
don’t be a cunt
dude this is a really a quick
story that just happened to me that you’ll fucking love
i do this toys for tots benefit at the fucking improv
i’m already hammered
so i show up the club and i show up late
so i walk in it’s packed you know i mean
and i shut up late i fucking go and i go on stage
and i have a joke in my act
about old people and i’m like
you know it suck to be
like ninety five years old because you can fucking die
every time you go to bed
so it’s like hard to plan your next day
because it’s like you can’t
really make plans all the time because if like your
grandsons like let’s go to the zoo it’s like okay
i’ll either go
to the zoo with you or i’ll be fucking dead
so like hopefully i’ll go to the zoo
but either you’ll
come over and i’ll be a dead body and people will
scream and cry be
awful you know what i mean
so i do this all bit
and i’m like my sets
going really good and i do that that joke
and the fucking
crowd just goes like dead silent
and i’m like what the fuck i’m like
yeah you can fucking die fucking ninety five at this
whole bit and i’m like yeah and the
crowds getting more and more
comfortable and i people like groaning and i’m like
what the fuck is a joke always works
and i get off
stage and was like really uncomfortable
and it turned out it was a 95 year old
woman’s birthday
party a friend of bud freeman’s
and they went on
stage at the beginning of the show
which i didn’t see
and made a huge announcement saying
happy birthday to her
oh my god the
whole crowd just thought i was like some psycho asshole
i was just like you can die any fucking day
if you’re 95 when
you go to bed like it was so uncomfortable i love how
you’re saying that with your fist up to your face the
microphone fist
yeah that is the offensive
microphone fist if you’re saying something really
crazy listen
you whore you
have your fist in a certain position tilting the gun
sideways exactly it’s gangster
dude bod came over to me and was like oh my
god i don’t know if you know this it was
someone’s 95th birthday
in case you’re wondering why that joke didn’t work
i felt so bad i go she
bummed out and he goes no she couldn’t hear anything
she can’t hear so i was like oh thank god
everybody else was bummed out
the crowd was just it was so uncomfortable
and i felt awful because i’m not
insensitive like that
of course not
that’s terrible i’ve done
there’s a joke that i do and
every time i get to it like i see like
i’m always like
about to say it
and i’ll see a fat girl in the audience
and then i won’t pull the trigger
i stop saying i like i don’t
wanna be mean i used to have this joke
about chicks
like people
would see like a really overweight
chick and a little slutty outfit
and like girls
were always say this like what the fuck is she
thinking and i
would go i’ll tell you exactly what she’s
thinking it
might not be the best ride
but there’s no line
and i would be
right about to do that bit all the time
and i would
look in the audience and see a poor fat girl
who’s having a good time
she got her fingers folded up in her chubby lap
and she’s laughing her ass off
and i don’t
wanna crush her emotions so i just
dance over the bit for one person i’ll just say
sorry yeah that’s good
but every now and then man there’ll
be a joke and i’ll say it and then i’ll turn and like
oh here’s an example of my joke shit
now i feel bad
again i saw that recently at a jim jeffrey show
and i just i was just like
i was sitting on the side of the
stage just staring right in
front of me with a fat chick
you just hear just during the
whole bit and
like just like
sitting there like looking down the ground or hands
like this like
almost in tears dude
really obese people are so sensitive because there’s
so many people fucking
staring at them all the time they look like freaks
that’s gotta be
so painful when someone’s
shitting on fat people and everyone around you is
laughing and
there you are i feel bad i
would go home and
eat but yeah
probably right dude
i don’t do my
joke with old
people anymore if i ever see an old couple in the crowd
they look like 70s or 80s i won’t even do it just
cause i fucking feel bad
it’s a terrible feeling man
my parents are in the 60s they don’t like talking
about death
you don’t even like to mention your
fucking parents in your 60s yeah holy shit
your parents are
young dude yeah
well my mom was really
young when she had me and
my stepfather was younger than my mom my mom was like i
think she was like
close to 30 when she met my stepfather and he was
twenty four something like that
so wow yeah so they’re very young
and they don’t like talking about that
ninety year old people they
don’t want to hear none of that shit they want to hear
dead people jokes they did not missy
sure missy sure used
to always get mad at me
at the comedy
store because i
would do that joke
about jay howard marshall
jay howard marshall is the old man that
married anna cole
smith that billionaire
oh yeah i always do this joke
about him just doing all sorts of
nasty shit to her before he dies
wouldn’t come it was
i don’t even remember how to joke i don’t even
remember how the bit goes
but i do remember that i
would get off
stage admits we go i hate that joke
stop doing that
joke i’m like
mittsy it’s
funny i think they took
meemaws my closer okay it was
crusher it was a
crusher of a bit that i couldn’t even follow
i couldn’t follow it
after closing that bit
and she was like i don’t like it stop doing it it’s not
funny stop doing your fucking huge closer that’s a
great well you know it’s
about old people and she’s you know she
can’t know long in
those years
but it’s like not comfortable for her you talk
about old people like
some people get mad at me when i do that and i’m like
i’m gonna fucking get old hopefully
i mean i might not i probably
right but when you
could but i feel like i can’t
avoid it you know what i mean so it’s like
essentially i’m talking
about myself because
we’re all gonna forget we all get old
right it’s not like i took some fucking potion
and now i’m
a cocky live forever guy
right who’s like haha
yeah that is a trick
it’s like why
can’t you make fun of that because it really is a
valid subject
i mean stan
is very funny stan
was genius he used to do shit like that
well he would go
after old people and he like he
would do jokes
about like fucking succulent
you know getting blowjob
and the crowd
be getting comfortable to be old people in the crowd
and i remember doug
would be like
you fucking
asshole fucking crowd
you guys are
think you’re so
fucking better this guy’s fucking how old are you sir
be like eighty one like
this guy was fucking getting his dick sucked
before you guys were fucking born he’s like you
think you guys invented the blowjob
because fuck you
fuck this crowd
this guy’s afraid
he would just go off dude the
crowd just like oh my god it was like awesome
that’s funny
yeah it’s it’s a
touchy subject for people
the getting old subjects real touchy man
people don’t
wanna you know well they forget face
it old people like
just makes people uncomfortable you know
start shitting on old people and they’re like
something you can even change at
least you’re fat you can lose weight
you’re old you’re fucked
i stopped doing
comedy for five years when the day bob hope
went on stage and did that bob hope joke
and it was like a year or two
after 9 11 tell the joke
cause it’s a good one our
troops were like
going you know being sent to iraq and stuff
bob hope died and i thought it was like an open mic
and i’m like oh i’m
going to really
do this new bob hope joke and
i come out on
stage and it was just all old people because i had the
funny bone in
columbus ohio they gave tickets out to like
senior citizens and
stuff like that
and so i went out and i’m
like do i do this joke i’m like yeah i have to you know
it was like
hey did you guys hear bob hope died and they’re like oh
and everyone’s just like oh
you know like sad and making sad
noises i’m like yeah
heard they flew out of his body
to entertain all the dead troops
and they just
started hissing and
like booing and i didn’t do comedy for five years
dude that’s a
very good joke
i’m sorry that’s a good joke that is insanity
that is a good joke dude
did you open with it no
it was like my
third joke in or fourth joke someone
jesus and then
i just stopped
that over yeah i just stopped
have you ever
watched bob hope do
stand up comedy
i don’t think i have actually was he on premium blend
no he was on half hour comedy
hour half that was goth though he
did comic cabana that was goth
that old kind of comedy that old like bob hope
style comedy that’s a fascinating thing to watch
that’s like if you ever wanted to see like
evolution you wanna see you
wanna see fish that eventually walk on land
watch some bob hope comedy from like 1950
i met him when i was
eight years old he
came up to me and signed
an autograph for me at a
and then he wrote that joke yeah
he’s like tell it
it was crazy get boot off stage
about me and
twenty years from now
it was awesome it was this big
crowd of people when i was just a little kid and then
he just walked by and looked at me and was like went
right to me signed
it and he said something to me and then walked off do
you do you uh
what the fuck is i gonna say
nick schwartz
is the only person here not high
by the way hangover is worse than high
no oh did you know who he was or no
yeah cause i think
when you grew up with like
four channels on the tv he always had
those marathons
or something like that well he always did the uso
thing right yeah
they had such
amazing yeah
i used to actually like him
i remember liking him like remembering him from tv
let’s okay cause i don’t
remember any of his comedy this is why i’m saying this
i’m saying you know what i do remember is i remember
watching a long time ago and
going wow this is like a window into a different era
like the way people clapped was different the
studio audience look different the comedy was different
the way the announcer
would introduce him was different
pull up some some of his shit pull up some
bob hope stand up
you know it’s
crazy every time i
drive home from here i exit off of bob hope
drive oh shit
dude now stalkers are
gonna know where you live
how about that that’s there
burping they’re gonna know
girls hope you
gonna get some girl stalkers
fuck what time is it football game dude
your mother’s cunt
what correct
what time is
a football game i don’t i don’t follow football
yes again that’s
right football is boring my team plays tonight
you know they’re
gonna institute
sensors in in helmets
you hear that oh why
cause all this shit that’s leaking yeah no they’re
gonna find out like what the fuck’s
gonna happen when they
blast each other in the head oh no
sensors how much are
gonna censor
their helmets no no no
how that why what are they saying oh dude you can
catch some fucking hilarious shit
really slip through yeah it’s awesome
like what they
swear everything oh yeah dude so you watch
every once in a
while you can
catch like a fan will pick up some shit
some receiver
dropped like an n bomb the
other day really yeah
black guy or white guy
no black dude
did you see that it was michael richards
he just got
drafted by the bengals the
coach from the 49ers at that last game
you know i think he just got
fired or something he’s got
fired he was
yelling at one of the players or the
quarterback was like i’m
sorry i can’t do any better
i’m just human
or something like that was fucked up player
who’s yelling at
the player yeah
they got a huge fight
mike singletary
did he used to play
for the bears he was a defensive player for the bears
he was sick
and he was the one that was in
the super bowl
shovel sick
sick good or sick aids he was sick
good you can’t burp aids and then
leave me in the dark like that
sorry about that
um no he was awesome was he the super bowl
shuffle team
wasn’t he one of
those guys he
might have been yeah
that’s what
came into prominence
more after i
think more after that and so just a crazy
coach and he just yells and he
was the coach
coach 49ers
and they were just there fucking 49ers are a mess
there’s fucking
any at a press conference and
literally he wears a huge wooden
cross around his neck
every game huge
it looks like how big
it’s like six inches
bro no it’s like fucking oh my god
like twenty
it looks huge really
yeah i mean it
could be like
a crucifix for like a fucking cat or something
you could fuck you know what i mean it’s big
damn and so he got
fired and then he said him and his wife
are gonna take a step back and pray
about it and see what they’re
gonna do next nice
it’s like what it’s always a good move
here’s some bob hope
give me some bob hope
thank you very much
i wish she’d get steady work
that’s my joke no it’s nice to see her i haven’t
i haven’t been
traveling too much lately
and i’ve gotten to know some of the family personally
it’s nice to
be here dean and i wanted to tell you that i’m
happy that nbc’s the bob hoper
rose for another year
don’t you love the way dean reads cue cards if he
doesn’t like the joke he breathes on it and erases it
it was nice of flip to show is that all of them
i’ve never seen him before without high heels is that
it well thank you flip no i really miss flip
series but he has to face the facts
he’s good but he’s no sunny bono
don’t get it
i guess that was a diss on sunny bono
and i do want to
thank governor reagan
for his kind
words incidentally the governor has no presidential
aspirations
in fact he just made a tour of forty
three states
just to tell him he’s not running for anything
and milton burrows here
milton’s the first comic to ever be impeached
johnny banks the greatest catcher of all time
you ever see him behind the plate
he wears more padding than phyllis diller
he looks pissed i like john
i really do he doesn’t care about baseball he just
stands in the hall out here
watching the chicks and smiling
of course you’d
smile too if you spent all your afternoons on grass
oh marijuana that was a grass
marijuana the girl who inspired that great movie psycho
oh
well she looks
since she had that operation it’s a miracle
it was over a year ago and the stitches on the
right are still holding
and wasn’t john wayne wonderful
in his next sequel
to true grit john is really giving us a thrill
topical he’s wearing the patch over his mouth
and sugar ray
is one of my great great favorites everyone knows
about the great job you’re doing
sugar with your youth
foundation football baseball boxing basketball
you taught those kids how to bet on all of them
that sugar ray
robinson son oh my god that’s old school
sugar ray the
last time i
worked with ginger was on a christmas trip to alaska
she not only
stole the show but she replaced two electric blankets
what a crazy dance by radio television in heaven
general jimmy stewart here as usual
jimmy’s a man of few words and even fewer laughs
jimmy had me over to his
house last week and what a thrilling evening he showed
slides of his last trip to fresno
and it’s nice to see zhazha now that she’s free again
oh i’m sorry i should have said divorced
she’s never been free
tonight ladies
and gentlemen
by general bradley’s presence here this evening
you talk about
great generals
on june 11 1944 he was parachuted
behind enemy lines
and under cover of night
snuck into the
heart of berlin
and single handedly captured marlena
dietrich’s garter belt
and nipsey you were really up there tonight
you keep it
up and you’ll be pumping gas for chico and the man
and don rickles got some news
today he was made poster boy for tiny bowl
i just can’t
figure out why you’re doing commercials for
right guard you
should be on for raid
closing ladies and gentlemen it’s been a
great night you
know somebody once said you can measure a man by the
caliber of his enemies
and i flatter myself to believe it
might also apply to the friends who come to
roast them if i am
right in that assumption
and it is rare that i am not
then i thank all of you
giants of our business for the size your affectionate
malice lends to me thank you very much
that was pretty fucking good
yeah it’s good dude
did i got interesting
please do sorry
don’t apologize
you were you’re here for an hour and
thirty minutes of goddamn hilarity that was
thank you for it
was very fun i’ll come
back anytime anytime you want to come man please do
all right well
we’re not gonna end the podcast
right now so what we’ll do
is we’ll stop and then we’ll come back with just me and
brian and we’ll
close this bitch out
but right now
nick swartzen
is all up out of here
and you are not on twitter correct
i’m not on twitter but i have a facebook fan page and i
and how do you get to that what is the address of it
um it’s just put in nick
swartz into
picture me with sunglasses on and a mustache
it’s definitely you yeah
okay you sure i update all time you can
read okay you update it all the
time but why won’t you twitter then what’s the matter
i don’t know i’ll
figure twitter out the fuck bro god damn it god damn it
all right do it
we’re gonna get them on twitter we’ll get
them on just like we got bill burr on sort of amazingly
made like three twitter post ever
we got a monitor
fucking burr
i got six dude you were awesome
thank you very much
nick swartz and dot com
is that what it
what’s your website
yeah next words and dot com
they want to get the whole you
facebook facebook
family we will be
right back next
gonna leave we’ll be right back
sun’s going down
the moon is a glow
find a nice lady pull back the sheets
light a candle and let her suck along my tits
grab some buddies get drunk and shoot ski
then black out and let him suck a lot my teeth
be careful
suck it suck it deep t t
t sucky on my teeth now sucky on my feet
feed them their teeth feed them their teeth
jp fake jp fake j fake better taste
sober up go back to the bar
see a beautiful lady
excuse me what is that just like sushi
like what do you think she’s like fuck you
i’m like having a proposition for you suck what is it
when you come back to my place deck and just
suck on my
teeth sucker
sucker sucker sucker
that’s man milk baby it’ll help you sleep
nick swanson
bad motherfucker
you know one of the coolest
things about this business about
about being in the
stand up comedy
business is all the fun fucking people you meet
you know yeah nick being one of them yeah
such a fucking good dude
we think about just this podcast all the
cool people that we’ve hung out with on this podcast
you know hephron and
johnny pemberton i
would have never known
about him if it wasn’t for the podcast
right you know
freddy lockhart
and you know teeb and
so many fucking cool people we’re so fortunate man so
that’s one of
the big problems that a lot of people facing
their life is that there there’s not enough cool people
to hang out with
they’re just always around douchebags are always around
negative energy and it’s so hard to have a good time
we’re so fucking
lucky man yeah it’s usually like
i mean back in ohio and
stuff like that most of your friends
came from where you worked
and so like you were like i
would work at
a lot of restaurants so all my friends were like
other waiters and just people that needed a job and
go through so many friends so fast it was more like
you’re dating
friends you know i know you
would like hang out with them and shit and go out with
after work and then some
weird shit would go down
where you realize one guy couldn’t drink
right fucking
crazy or something bad happens if
they steal the vcr from you
or something
yeah you see people who are banging each
other it’s always
people working together waitresses and waiters are
always trying to see who’s
gonna hook up and
yeah it’s hilarious you know
so many people man
they’re in unfortunate
situations where they can’t find enough cool people
that’s tricky
absolutely we got to
start a call
brian thinking
about this lately
and what kind of cult do you want
to reprogram people
isolation tanks
eating pot brownies
everybody watching good documentaries everybody getting
their shit together martial arts yoga
eat healthy
clean your fucking brain out of bullshit
we’re gonna fix this world
brian keep mouthwashing your car yes
hand sanitizer you get pulled over don’t hand
sanitizer your hands and your face don’t
smoke weed in your car stupid
you know no smoking in the car
that was like a big joke with joey diaz
cause joey diaz always want to smoke weed in the car
yeah like dude we’re gonna get pulled over we’re in
texas in the car
inks like weed
and it’s california weed and they can
smell the difference it’s
crazy how you forget that like in ohio that was a
scary thing driving with weed or buying weed
and stuff i remember always being
a paranoia don’t
do it you can go to jail yeah now i go to
back home ohio and i’m just like hey here’s some weed
you have to join here
don’t do that man they’ll lock you up
they locked up willie nelson bro yeah
stop and think
about that that’s
ridiculous yeah it’s
weird when you
watch cops too like i was
watching cops the
other day and
it was police cops of
texas or whatever that show is called like female
dallas female cop
so it’s a show it’s
like cops but with
these dallas female girls it’s like
real housewives
of atlanta mixed with cops
but anyways it’s real though supposedly
and they were shaking down somebody
for having a little
bit of weed
do you understand you are driving with marijuana sir
200 like making it seem like it was this insane
drug you know and i was just wait a
second this is just weed
he had a little bit of weed
you know that’s
weird to me that
you know in most states
that’s how they
treat weed that’s how you’re yelled upon
from the police officers and
stuff and out here well
we not always out
here man there’s some dopey cops out here too i mean
most cops are really cool but there’s there’s a few
it’s like everybody else you know one douchebag
cop makes everybody
think cops are douchebags
cops aren’t all douchebags most cops that i know
from i know him from
jiu jitsu and i know him from martial arts they’re
fucking nice guys man because the most that i know
it’s just a job man
they’re trying to do the best they can at this fucking
crazy job but
every now and then
you run into a twat
and my friend
got pulled over
what happened was he
was in his car and
somehow or another someone saw like like
he like he had
a joint in his hand or something and the cop
like he didn’t realize there was cops there and the cop
flashed him
and he was just putting it back into his car
and the cops said you know you know and
why do you have marijuana when you’re
operating a car and he’s like i’m not even smoking
it before i get in the car and they handcuffed him
the chick was yelling at him
well he turns out he was a medical marijuana patient
so it was really like his little
medicine i mean if you want to
pay attention to
state laws which the cops are supposed to do
right but this
chick was berating him and yelling at him
and i’m like this is so
gross because i was
watching it because it was
right outside of jujutsu class
was when we were at the old legends and we would
leave there was like this
alleyway and you
would go down the
alleyway everybody
would walk towards
where the cars were parked
and there was a cop car there and i
guess this kid didn’t see the cop car
but it was like listen is the way this
woman was talking
to him as if he had done something to her you know
you don’t know what the law is
apparently you don’t know what the law is
do you read what it says on this
piece of paper says do not operate
heavy machinery
and she’s like in his face and shit and he’s handcuffed
and it was so gross
i was like what are you talking
about first of all the guy’s not high he
just told you he’s getting he just got out of the gym
okay so he’s got a joint in his hand
like what are you doing
like what exactly
and by the way
you can drive high
there’s been
a lot of studies on it i don’t recommend it
i don’t think it’s for everybody
because a lot of people get fucking paranoid as
shit when they’re driving
or when they’re
stoned rather
and they can’t concentrate
on anything and they see in
tunnel vision and they’ll miss peripheral
shit i mean
maybe not the best
thing for everybody but
it’s not like driving
drunk you know
drunk is completely
awful i mean sometimes when you think
about how horrible like
i’m the worst
once in a while i’ll let myself slip
where it gets to a point
where i do a shot i shouldn’t have done or i had an
extra drink that i shouldn’t
have and i’ll
catch myself
going man why
why am i you know
i have to drive now what the fuck
don’t do it
usually i try to find food
like on the way like you
know stop somewhere to eat
there’s been
those times you know
where you’re just like man i’m just
gonna drive home i try this and
then the next day you’re like why the fuck did i do
drive yourself to a diner don’t
eat that’s what i usually do take a cab to a diner
go fuel up i’m not saying it’s
often i’m saying it’s very very rare but
scary shit man
cause people who kill people in
drunk driving accidents and people
who get away with it are really doing the same thing
right just one person fucks up
and you know happens to be in the wrong
place at the
wrong time and the
other person just gets
lucky and doesn’t hit anything on the way home
but a lot of that is just
just dumb luck man
scary shit man the idea that you can get that anywhere
i mean you can go to cvs and
drink enough alcohol to die that’s
crazy that it’s so
crazy man cvs even sells
beer and it’s like has the best deals on beer they sell
whiskey some
liquor and beer at cvs it seems like
cvs is supposed to help you yeah
and it makes no
sense that i
never would have thought that that’s
crazy that the pharmacy
yeah yeah it’s supposed to be like a hospital almost
you know with gum
right if you want anything that’s
gonna make you feel better if you’re sick
right dude i got some theraphilith theraflu
when i went to montreal
i got the flu when i came back i was i was fucking
wrecked for like
a full two days i was wrecked
where i was like
cold sweats
and shivers
like i was freezing i was
sweating like my
whole body was
sweating and i was shaking
and i was freezing and i was wearing
clothes to bed i was wearing
pants and jackets and hoods
terrible feeling
right terrible feeling
i drank some
theraflu boom
knocked it out of the park i mean
knocked it out of the park no chills
slept like a
baby really i don’t know how much of it is a
theraflu and how much of it is my immune
system i eat really healthy my immune
system bounces back pretty quick
i don’t know if that’s it
but i think it’s the theraflu
i think the
theraflu just kind of masked
the feeling
and it’s the
same shit in there that you make meth out of
yep you can make meth out of theraflu
dude i know
mrs rogan had a sign for it
when she went and bought it for me
you have to show your id
really if dashash
buy only three
boxes of theraflu
you gotta show
your id and sign for that shit i didn’t know that
but it’s dope
theraflu is the shit i like that
shit i don’t even know what it is and there’s no way i
could even pronounce it but
it’s from like
germany or something
like that it’s like a really long name like petrol oh
yeah you know what you’re talking
about and it’s like you take ten of
these boy ron
it’s acillial
sub in the yeah
and it’s like little
you know like
cash sugar beads
feels like i
think it might be bullshit
i did it once it worked it seemed like it
but again but then
again you don’t know is
it working or is it
already sent me something the other day
that said that
some insane amount of people
that they give
that they give placebos to
the placebo effect
works even if you
know it’s a placebo
apparently really i don’t
understand how that works
but what ari
said was that they told people that they were
gonna give them a placebo
and even just telling them that they were
gonna give them a placebo
made them heal up
quicker than
people that they didn’t tell well it’s part
cause they didn’t know what
placebo means that it
sounds like
something like skin cell
man they gave him some
placebo man
that that shit’s
or legit you know
maybe they just didn’t
know what it was i don’t know what they’re saying is
well everyone is
aware of the placebo effect in medicine
where a person believes in
sugar pills he’s
taken is a real
medicine and sees improvement in symptoms
is it possible to experience the placebo
effect even if you know the
medicine isn’t real according to one new study
and close one i don’t know what that means
the answer is yes so it’s interesting eighty
p eighty people they did it with
and it showed more people got better with the perceiver
the fuck knows
it’s a weird
thing man that your brains got this
ability to heal itself that you can’t really tap into
but if it thinks that you’re getting some
medicine then it just fixes it
right what the fuck is that
about it’s like
your belief is so fucking
strong it’s so important to believe in things man
so important
in a weird way
that doesn’t make any sense
you know there’s
there’s like a zone when you believe in
things and you’re you’re
really like you’re you’re you’re confident and you’re
tuned into him
there’s a weird
power to that
and you know you
experience that man
experience that in
video games
and experiencing that when you’re playing pool
you experience
i don’t experience that in pool
but just because you don’t get that good at it
when you get really good at pool
you experience
the zones where you believe in yourself
and the ball just you believe everything
everything goes well
but if you if you have
um a negative thought at all like you
could be aiming at the ball the perfect way you could
queue up you know your you got a good bridge your your
relaxing the way you’re gripping it
everything you
strokes in line but if
right before you
shoot it you
start thinking i hope i don’t miss this
you’ll miss it like
eight times out of ten
you know sometimes it’ll
bobble its way
in but you really were supposed to miss it
you know it’s it’s a weird
thing man it’s like when you believe
it goes in it’s so strange
you know it
doesn’t work if you don’t know how to play
but once you
learn how to play
it’s like one of the most important
things is that
not have a negative thought before you pull the
trigger before you shoot
they say that’s the same
thing with archery as well
you know that you have
to kind of like have this belief in what you’re doing
and if you don’t even if you’re doing
everything the
right way if you don’t believe it’s
gonna hit it won’t hit
do they still do archery and like elementary
school i don’t
think they try
these kids were posing
arrows isn’t that
weird i was
thinking that the
other day i was like no i remember in elementary
school like
fifth grade
having arrows and bows and we had like these
like courses
that you go through and try to kind of like you
know a shooting
range where you’d walk
through and just do archery
everywhere i remember
thinking like one time i
shot it straight up in the air i remember
how dumb that was because i didn’t really
think it out
my friends got famous
dude that shit
super dangerous yeah
when i was 12 i was in the boy scouts
and i went on a camp
i went to like a camp for two weeks
then we were
shooting guns man
we were shooting guns and you
would hear ricochets
like we were i was in the archery course and
this is one of the reasons why i decided to just quit
everything and go fishing
the whole time i was there all i did was go fishing
every day i quit everything
i was like fuck you
crazy assholes
because we were all
shooting archery and i heard
i was like what the fuck is that
and then someone one of the kids goes that’s a ricochet
what do you mean i
ricochet someone just
shot and it probably hit a rock or something
get the fuck
out of here man we almost just got hit by a bullet
okay what is
going on here
and it was only a 22
so if it did hit you in a
ricochet it probably just
but it could hit your eye
you could get fucked up
so i was like
these crazy assholes i’m just
gonna go fishing
every day so i
avoided all the
activities i didn’t
do anything i just went fishing
we would all get in line like
everybody get in line i just disappear into the woods
somebody could easily raped and killed me man
it’s like no one was
watching us
for two weeks i was
alone in the woods of new hampshire
no one was watching anybody
these fucking counselors
who knows what kind of creepy shit they were into right
they always
had a few boys that they really liked the most
they hung out with them
and then everybody else
was just kind of like free like little wild animals
little 12 year olds with no cell
phones there’s not even a
phone out there
period my parents had no way to contact me
and you’re out there
alone in the woods
with a bunch of fucking
street kids
they’re all kids from jamaica
plane which is like this really shitty area of boston
and so they were all like
fucking doing deviant shit the middle of the night like
taking kids out to the woods and
tying them to
their bed and leaving them in the woods and
covering them with
toothpaste while they’re
sleeping it was
like it was fucking creepy it was like being in like
like a juvenile detention center in the woods
there was a
weird google that i did the
other day that i was
googling to see what time
kmart was open to and somehow i ended up
on this website about this
kmart that’s by my
house that a suspect
tried to murder
two police officers and shot two police officers
at kmart in burbank
which is like
who has violence there
but so anyways
what’s weird
i was so stoned i decided just
cause that was back in july and i
started to try to read up
and if you go online and read about this
just google
kmart shooting murder or police officer or whatever
it starts off
saying how this guy was like shoplifting and then
some security guards
were there trying to hold this guy down and then he
pulls out the office
grabs the officer’s gun
while being handcuffed or something like that
but anyways what’s weird
about this is
there’s message
boards where the wife of this guy
is saying this is all bullshit this is
my husband’s
none of this happened or something
weird i can’t remember what it was but i was really big
but he has two kids
but have you noticed this
story never
like there’s no news
about it like he was supposed to go to
trial and stuff and now there’s like this guy
just got vanished from like the news and from public
records and
stuff like well did you research it
i researched it for
about 10 15 minutes on google which
was you know
what does that mean
you type in there’s
no story it
doesn’t mean the guy vanish yeah
but its system is
bogged down
so many other cases if you’re that
bored just start doing a little digging on this guy and
start going to some of
these message
boards that come up on google and it’s kind of
weird because
like the wife is involved with all
these message
boards and stuff really
it’s kind of crazy
yeah that is kind of
crazy here’s another
crazy thing
did you hear
about this guy
who got busted for hacking into his wife’s email
apparently this dude
is married to his
chick and she’s only thirty
three and she’s been
married three times already
so you know this
bitch is crazy
right right and
apparently she was taking
their daughter
over to her ex husband’s
house so she was
banging her
second husband
and taking his
daughter over to her
second husband’s
house and the
second husband used to beat the shit out of her
apparently so this guy’s
freaking out
his daughter
might be in danger
this guy beats the shit out of his wife
so he hacks into her
email to find out all this information
what does that mean i don’t know i think
somehow or another he got her password
that’s hacking into it i mean it
might have been as simple as she left the shit on
you know and
on you know her google
password we
just let the monitor on
yeah who knows
what the fuck what the fuck really happened
right hacking
but anyway she gets into this and finds out
or he gets into this rather and finds out that she’s
cheating so he
tries to get her
you know tries to get
child support
tries to get
custody rather
and she sues him for
attacking or hacking into her
email and this
motherfucker is
going to jail
wow yeah he’s like he’s
going to jail for some violation of some sort of a law
i don’t know exactly what the law is but it
has to be the gayest
sounding law ever it’s like it’s
megan’s law i don’t
understand what the law yeah
i don’t i mean what is the law
i don’t know
i mean if someone’s
emails there and you know if you find out
their password
you know and you find
out that they’re doing some shit that’s not cool yeah
especially when like
what is this like what’s this hacking part because
that’s retarded if your
girlfriend uses
your laptop and she stays logged in and then you just
turn on your computer and go hey
her email’s
right there yeah
apparently is that
considered hacking
yeah right apparently
the prosecutors relied on
a michigan statute
that was previously used to prosecute
people who committed
identity theft or they
stole trade secrets
what is that like typewriter
ribbon you know like
no no no identity theft
online you know
the law was created to stop
identity theft online
right and so when they did that
you know they
entered into
this case they used that law
but that’s like disingenuous
cause that’s not what’s
going on this is a
married couple
this isn’t someone
stealing someone’s
identity this is
you know they’re
shitty it seems like that
would be a law that is like oh you’re
married well sorry
you’re allowed to own this person if you really want to
how is reading an
email different
from reading a letter that’s left around
right or a text message
right like if you find a box of letters on
your wife’s bed and she’s
you know going to
visit some guy
at prison and sucking his dick and i like you like wow
abraham lincoln have to deal with this shit
you know and
especially like call it
identity theft
you can’t call it
identity theft if someone finds your diary
maybe that’s why people
wrote it in cursive so it’s
kind of like you know to confuse people and like hide
it he’s like i don’t want you to read my letters i’m
gonna make it hard for you to read
no brian they
wrote it in cursive because it’s easier to
write cursive than it is to make each
individual letter see as they flow together
at the same
time i went
ahead did that open mic the
other day and
had to read the list of comics
to come up and
a few of them
still used cursive and it just
boggled my mind of like wait you’re a straight male
right why don’t you just
write some shit in aramaic
just put a bunch of
penises and draw your picture
yeah what is up with cursive
i don’t even
change my caps i use all
i use all uppercase
upper and lowercase what am i doing if i’m writing you
something if i need to be
expressive in
something that i
write you know it’s not
gonna be a little letter
i mean i’m writing
something down if i’m writing something down
99 9 of the time it’s either for me or
i’m filling out a custom
swarm because
i’m landing in canada or something like that
i just use all
capitals you know what the fuck i’m saying
we should mention
that our podcast was picked in the top 10 of itunes
itunes chose like
top 10 audio podcast for
2010 and we’re in there
you know we
gotta figure out something to do with this that’s
profitable brian
you gotta figure out how to make
money with this podcast this
is ridiculous
right we gotta figure we
gotta figure out how to turn this into some sort of a
television show
well you know like companies like the c2o
water yeah c2o
water sent us a
bunch of water
free coconut
water thank you very much
and apparently
the other company yeah amy and
brian just contact me the other day
and they were like oh we want to send you some and
so now there
might be a coconut
water battle
are we should have like a
taste test live and like
both awesome
yeah they’re
both awesome i buy both of them all the time coconut
water so good for you man it’s
it tastes so good too
it’s like it’s not too
sweet it’s not
you don’t feel like you’re
drinking soda
it feels super healthy
it’s naturally isotonic it’s
naturally good at rehydrating you i have a coconut
water question
i’ve been buying
these other kinds like zinko
that they have at the grocery
store it’s like a milk carton
right coconut
water right
and the other day i passed out with it in bed
and then the next day
i looked at him like
i’d probably just
throw it in the refrigerator has the word
water in it
is that something that
you can leave out
cause it’s not like a milk
it’s like a
water well i assume
that it could go bad because
ants find it
well i mean if
it’s sealed all the time and they go
crazy oh it’s sealed and we don’t have
ants you have
ants in your house
i’ve never seen an ant at my
house ever really yeah
well it’s cause the
roaches eat them all
i live in the woods man i got rats ants
deer i have deer in my yard all the time your
ants here though are like documentary style ants
though that you have like
gay parade ants
yeah well no mile march
this house is surrounded by land you know
and there’s not a lot of shit out there for them
to eat and so when they find that they can get inside
and get to the
motherload in the garbage bill you know
it’s either
garbage pail or a
plate that’s left around
these motherfuckers one
scout will find it
that would be cool if
ants had like really big
ants like it
would be like a
bunch of ants and then like a huge like
you know boss battle ant that
would like walk with the
ants are so terrifying man i was
watching this documentary on
the harpy eagle somebody put it up on online
you see that that
monkey eating eagle
dude if you
haven’t seen this you
gotta look it you
gotta look it up online
if you can’t find it at all is on my twitter
from probably from yesterday you’ll find it just i
tweet a lot unfortunately
that one was late
too i remember
when you posted it at four in the morning i was
watching yeah yeah my
friend that was with him was like that joe is
watching documentaries on my
animals at 4 30am
dude all i do this is what i do
i stay up i read with my
daughter when she goes to bed she goes to bed at
like you know whatever so when she goes to bed i read
her little stories and then i
start writing so once everybody’s asleep
because mrs rogan’s
asleep everyone’s asleep then there’s no there’s no
noise the dogs are fed the dogs are inside sleeping
then i can write
so i write from like
usually from like 10pm is when i really get cracking
till like two in the morning i
start getting
tired right
you know so i bang out two
hours you know four hours
and then just chill out
that midnight shit’s
great i just need it seems like i
the only problem is is that i find myself
going to the same
seven websites ten websites over and over and
over and over
again you gotta be careful
about that you
gotta be careful
if you’re gonna write
that’s why i love that program i’ve talked
about on the show before
right room right room it’s the best because it doesn’t
allow you to access the message
you don’t get to look at the
browser you know
look at the
status bar you don’t look down at your task bar
where all your
programs are you don’t
start fucking around and see what kind of
movies do i have on this
hard drive oh this is a cool documentary i
haven’t seen this before
and then you’ll
just distract yourself with something you gotta
force yourself to just write
and once i do i love it
such a weird
thing about that
about getting work done like that
like once when i write
like when i
get something really that done that i that i really
enjoy that i
wrote i feel so satisfied it feels like so like
i’m like i feel
energized i feel like i’m positive i feel good
but it’s so hard to just
commit to to working hard
it is right
it’s hard to commit
to sitting down and working
when there’s so many distractions there’s so many
things you could do
what the worst is
especially like
video editing
is that you’ll get to parts
where it’s like you know
rendering it’ll say something like 30 minutes you know
so you have to sit there for 30 minutes and
you’re not going to just sit there and stare at the 30
minute sign you’re gonna look
on the internet or
what is and then you get
trapped in that what is like the baddest
motherfucker rendering computer available is it like
some sort of a
crazy pc with like multiple
processors but
they all use
pretty much they all use the same
chips honestly
like if you went balls
crazy you’d want to get
in my opinion this is what i would do
is get one of the
towers from mac
and get the
they have like
you know the quadruple process or whatever it is
and they have it now you can have like 32 gigs of ram
and but the biggest
thing the thing that i
think would help the most
is getting an
ssd card hard drive
for your operating
system for your programs for
everything because
it that’s the biggest
thing that i’ve noticed with crashing
and just time consuming is the right
read write on the hard
drives and how slow regular hard
drives is compared
to compared to the
ssd hard drive
ssd what brian’s talking about
solid state hard
drives which is
basically very similar to when you get a
flash drive like a usb
drive you stick it in and you just
record that’s like a little mini hard
drive right
and the little ones now are way bigger than the
first hard drives that i had totally i mean i got a 32
gigabyte one it’s a little tiny
thing it sticks in as 32 gigs right
my first hard
drive was only four gigs yeah if i
could do like that’s the
thing i have the
problem the biggest problem with mine is just the hard
drive how much hard
drive space
in how fast the rendering is and that’s the
thing you need to battle is rendering yeah
and so it’s
quicker to access off a
solid state
drive as well oh yeah so
what you want though is you
want your applications running on it and you want like
have enough room to have what projects and
videos you’re running off you want to run all off you
understand the
technology behind
solid state as opposed to regular hard
drives do you know
which one well there’s no there’s there’s no
you know moving parts at all it’s how they do it
then what’s
going on there
i don’t know
that’s the problem in
magic yeah man i mean that’s
super dragon tears and
super crazy
magic this one is totally
silent this one
is solid state
hard drive one
it’s so silent and
everything pulls up instantly it’s amazing
you know the read times as far as
my old hard
drive used to have to boot up and you
would hear like this little spin
going on and then
the program
would run like
my really old i have an old old macbook
really old it’s fat like a fucking when you
close it it’s like an old book
right and you pop that
bitch open and when you turn on you hear things
spinning and
clicking and
chunking and
sucks that’s what this laptop does
and the little
old goofy looking
you know like ancient cartoon looking apple
logo pops up yeah
yeah so the the the biggest one that
apple offers is a 12 core
12 core see that’s hard
processors that’s retarded i wonder if you can
if you select it
i wonder if you can like jack it up even
that’s all for
that’s all for just like rendering
right i’m sure you
can jack it up
like you know it sucks though is like the machine i use
i used to have a 20
20 inch monitor as my main monitor
which is pretty small
and then it
would have like this big monitor for editing
videos for timeline
as a 30 inch monitor
so i just replaced the 20 inch monitor the
other day with this view sonic
and so now i have a
27 inch and a 30 inch
but for some
reason that’s too much hd display for my mac
so now my cursor just goes so slow now across the
screens it’s like the graphics card can’t handle it
it sucks well i went with
everything that you
could possibly get
and they’re
twelve thousand six hundred
and ninety nine dollars
yo that’s what the hard drive
how big of a hard
drive is that that is well that’s not even with
everything because i
would go with 30 gigs of memory
32 gigs of memory
is another thousand dollars now we’re up to 16
000 dollars you can get that memory
cheaper don’t ever buy memory from
well if you just wanted to get the big
party rolling but they do the hard
drives that’s
all with five hundred and
twelve solid
state five hundred twelve
five hundred
twelve twelve gigs and i got four of them
oh that’s that’s good
i didn’t know that they went up that high that was that
money man it’s
sweet that you can get like
you can go and get a computer for fucking
500 bucks or you can get this goddamn
thing for 16 000
if you wanted to make your own that’s the thing
about windows
though if you wanted to make your own computer that was
equal in performance to this computer
you could probably do it for a tiny fraction of that
money not really i mean
cause i mean
really i mean it’s
definitely gonna be
cheaper like
if the smart
thing to do is not to buy
your ssd drives from apple
you pretty much
wanted to go to a
store like fry’s
electronics
and pick up a case and pick up hard
drives and a
motherboard and
everything and put together your own computer
and make it
to this kind of specifications how much do you
think it would cost
if you had a guess it would be
eight thousand it would be
pretty it would be pretty
close no it actually would be pretty close because
the fastest processor is
still gonna be really expensive the fastest
i mean that much ram it’s still
gonna be pretty
it’s not gonna be that much difference
i think they priced out a macbook pro
on someone like
ant nan tech or something like that they priced it out
as with the same
version of windows
and it wasn’t that far off it was like
90 it was pretty
close actually
but that’s a macbook pro this is like a high
level tower
we’re all right
what you would do is you
would just get the bare bones processor
whatever highest processes you want don’t get any
as less ram as possible through
as less hard drive
space as possible from them
want to probably maybe even
see what the graphics card option is go for the
basic graphics card option and then
buy all this shit
separately right but
this is maxed out though
this is maxed out
we’re talking
about maxed out if you
didn’t know the best hard
drives right the
best operating
with best video card
any any like
alienware or anything like that if you
start maxing out different
things though like
they’re gonna get you on ram
that’s like when you buy something and they give you
extras and they just i
know i totally know what you’re saying
about ordering from big companies but
what i’m saying is if you wanted to do it on your own
right if you wanted to go to your own
no i do actually
i have no idea
i haven’t built a computer
in six years it is kind of
crazy though that you know
i mean the big percentage of the
population in the country
and the world rather uses windows
right oh yeah
yeah i mean it’s something like 70 or 80 percent
everybody that uses computers has windows
right but meanwhile
they get viruses
yeah have you ever
heard of anybody getting a
virus when you have an apple no
i know they exist cunt
bag pain in the ass are
viruses right
that’s the biggest fucking pain in the ass ever i mean
i have had so many people on the message board
say you know when they’re scared of
clicking a link like i’m not
clicking that i’m not
clicking that
i’ve never looked at something and said i’m not
clicking that
right cause i’m not worried
about losing my
shit well that’s
one of the best
things about
apples and i’m sure everyone’s
gonna start
screaming there are
viruses they have invented them
my favorite
thing also is that see with pcs i used to
build pcs most of my life i would be
this graphics card this
motherboard this memory this hard
drive this and that
the problem is that windows has to
be able to work on all
these variations of hard drives and
different kinds of graphics cards
it has to be
super programmed
for all these different
combos with apple
apple programs
exactly for the hardware it uses there’s not
a thousand different
graphics cards that go into a
the motherboard that that works in the
apple you know so
they got an
apple motherboard or what they call a
logic board
which means it’s more expensive
i totally know what you’re saying
they give you less choices and
because of that they
build it on themselves so it’s more fine tuned
as an operating
system on top of it because of the hardware
it is apple hardware it is
what it is but there’s something pretty dope
about being able to
go i used to love making my own computers i’ve done it
at least twice
where i went and got the whole deal
motherboard case put it all together spent
god who knows how many hours
but when you’re actually finally
online with some computer that you made yourself
that’s pretty dope yeah
there’s something fucking cool oh
dude it was like a rector set style yeah
it’s something badass
about the fact nowadays it’s so
cheap that you don’t
have to do that anymore though i know but it’s fun
yeah there’s
something fun to it
is there something
super satisfying
like duncan has one of my computers
but there’s something
super satisfying i put that shit together
i installed the operating
system you know i
tweaked the registry
and i went into the bios remember the what is it the
not the things
about spacers
what are those
things fucking
fuses or what are
those things
stuff to put out
those were the
worst because that it was like oh you have to
you know tweezers to pull yeah
and it had to be different
combos like
oh that was
annoying yeah there’s a lot of
annoying shit
about making computers
like the show
going to bios and having to change the
frequency down or the ram cache
size if you have a different kind of graphics card
there’s like so many
annoying little
well how about dudes who
would go into their
bios and overclock their
motherboard
just slight
tweaking like dudes
would buy celeron processors and tweak them
so that they performed like an intel
like a pentium processor
remember when celerins
first came out and that was like that diet coke of
computers yeah this
was like there was
something missing but dudes
would overclock the shit out of them and play
quake with them
cause it was like
super cheap
there was even
a few companies online that
would overclock shit for you
so they would
build it for you like
super jacked like some
super jacked
giant heatsink on it fans blowing all over it
meanwhile they got this poor little
poor little
processor going
just everything’s like jack to the max like much higher
than it’s supposed to be
yeah yeah it’s
in the whole
thing is interesting how
quickly it’s
evolved from
when i first got my
first computer it was a pentium to 400
so was four hundred megahertz man
three eighty six for life
three eighty six
three eighty six
which how many megahertz is that
three eighty six
is it three hundred
eighty six yeah then it goes up to four eighty six was
my upgrade i was like oh my god i got four eighty six
wow so amazing
well i remember
when when i
first got it
was like the top of the line it was a micron
you know it’s my
first pc that i got
and i remember thinking
you know like wow look at all this
power and all this
space and all this
now it’s not even
close to what your
phone does right
that’s amazing
yeah my phone has
thirty two gigs of
space on it my
first hard drive had four
thirty two gigs and my first
first computer was
four hundred megahertz
this is a thousand
right and it’s in your pocket and it’s thin as you know
like a notebook
it’s amazing yeah
we live in strange ass times man
we really do you know
they can’t put
this guy in jail for this hacking his wife’s fucking
email now that’s retarded
goddamn did you that
that’s legit
right i guess
fucking oh yeah it’s in
a hundred different sites
it’s legit some fox news son it’s
a michigan man faces five years in prison if convicted
on felony charges of hacking into his wife’s email
leon walker
thirty three was busted
after he accessed his wife
clara’s account
and discovered
she was having an affair
i love the account and then the big dash
and discovered
she was having an affair
how does he not
how does he go to jail and the whore
doesn’t whore
you need to go to jail whore
give me the baby
give me the baby and go
learn you need to go read books and do push ups
you can’t just fucking
can’t just go fuck your ex husband
you cunt yeah with my baby
can’t go over there
crazy whore
so what’s that message say to you
brian does it say don’t hack into people’s
shit or does it say don’t get caught
uh well if you’re married
and you have good reason to
believe that your wife is
cheating on you then yes get the
upper hand so you know what’s
going on first yeah
cause that’s
marriage is different you
wanna have all your bases
covered you
wanna it’s like an attack plan
spoken like a man who’s experienced some
crazy bitches yeah son
yeah and always
turn on your record
feature on your
phone when you’re
fighting just in case something gets
crazy and you need proof
how crazy have you ever had it
we’ve talked
about it i’ve gone to jail
crazy and if i had
cell phones back then you know i
would have been fucking recording that shit you
would have been free you’d be a free man i’d be a free
man well i mean i was free already but it just took me
money and a year and a half of
court isn’t that
crazy one nutty
bitch blows one
fuse one day and it affects you for
you know a percentage of your life
a year and a half it’s like 10
000 dollars to 12 000 dollars and i fucking made like
40 dollars a day think
about that if you live the perfect life
and you lived a long long healthy life one year
that’s one percent of your life
you had to give up one percent
of your life dealing with this
chicks bullshit yeah my fucking job
wouldn’t even let me take off time anymore
for the court
like i had to go to
court like every
couple weeks
you know it seemed like
i don’t know i
might be exaggerating a little bit i
think i went to
court like 12 to 14 times and i remember
having to always call off work and they got the
point where we can’t give you any more
fucking time you know we’re
gonna have to replace you
and i actually had to like find people that work for me
motherfucker
right all for just some nutty broad
yeah and nothing happened
just craziness
just made up fantasy she actually didn’t even
pick up the charges she just said that she got in a
fight with her
boyfriend and she kicked i kicked her out of the
house and that the city
picked up the charges because like
the oj simpson law
something like that oj cost you dude fucking oj
that’s amazing
if you lived a healthy life you’d be a hundred right a
great life a
great long life you hear
about a guy die he was a hundred you go wow that guy
lived a good life that’s a long life
one percent
of a hundred is a year all right
that’s craziness
dude you gave up 1
of your life you know
and then she’s trying to add me on facebook like
a year and a
half ago and i’m like are you fucking kidding me
that’s hilarious what are you
gonna do like
take pictures if i poke you
did she ever apologize
did she said she oh no
the day that the court
dropped the charges and
everything like that they were like you know
dropped all the charges
she wrote me or she called me
and i have it on my voicemail i had it on my voicemail
back in the day or answer machine back in the day
where she’s like i’m so
sorry about
everything you know i really hope that
that we can
hang out soon and i just want you to know i’m very
sorry for i didn’t do any of this the
state did it and blah blah
you know what the
crazy called the cops in the
first place huh
she called the cops
yeah because what happened is i
wouldn’t drive her home at night
i kicked her out of my
house i was like fuck you you’re
breaking my
house you left her in the street
i just shut her
i just pushed her out the
front door shut
the door no it was
no it was like so how’d you
expect her to get home
i didn’t care
she was breaking shit in my
house i was like fuck her you
get the fuck out of my house
you know she was
going crazy so you
should have called the cops at that
point and then you said i
should have i
should have this girl was
smashing my shit i want her out of here i
should have
but to me i was so pissed off that i just went upstairs
and just went to bed
cause it was like
2 a m or something like that
so she called the cops and what did she tell the cops
she said that my boyfriend
and i got in an argument he pushed me out of the
house and then wouldn’t
drive me home
and the officer was like what do you mean push
cause i actually did she
wouldn’t leave my
house i opened the
front door and i pushed her out
not like fall on the grounds
you know or anything like
that it was more like get on this side of the door all
right door shut
you know type push and
and the officers like oh he pushed you he
wouldn’t drive you home and so they
unlawful restraint
they got you
think she blew
one of the cops
no but it was a girl cop
but what was
crazy is that
when the beginning of the
court case i don’t
think i’ve ever
said this part
when i went to
court case they
made you go to an
anger therapist
like a court appointed
anger therapist
where they just ask you questions to see if you’re
crazy or not
or angry it was a
psychologist
psychologist
and halfway through
that guy goes i’m sorry i am
going to have to stop i actually know the
other person that you did this with i went to high
school with her
and i’m going to have to have my assistant take on
the rest of this interview and so
the guy i’m like wait that’s not fair
this guy went to high
school with her
and said this
other guy walks in and sits down and goes because
we continued it
we leave and then yeah they told the
court like oh yeah he’s crazy he’s
angry he’s mad and blah blah
blah and so then i had to get a lawyer just to like
tell the judge like that’s not fair
that the person with the high
school with her that come on give me a
break he got
off of it though and then he brought in his friend
yeah yeah but did he
brief his friend on what
yeah absolutely
so you think that he’s like go
after this douchebag
well absolutely
if you worked as a
psychiatrist and your
buddy from high
school came
then you’re probably
going to be
on your side of your
buddy of your
group that’s
especially if you were in love with her
right and especially
anyways so we had to like
go to court like
three times
and then like just to get the
judge to say
okay that’s bullshit yeah we’ll give you another
psychiatrist to go to
of course i went to the other
psychiatrist and they’re like oh yeah he’s fine he’s
completely normal then they
dropped off so
they actually said that there was something
wrong with you
the first person
was like what they
say they said that he’s
angry i could see that he will revolt in
anger that guy
should be fired
i know i know this
but this is also like what 10 years ago what’s his name
it was like
10 years ago how do you not have that burn in your
brain it was actually more intense
i was 19 i would be making videos
about that guy
every day now
if i get you locked in a cage yeah now
if i knew it for some high
school pussy that’s what it was
high school
chick that he was
in love with and he wanted to get you locked in a cage
show her i could come and rescue you brian
right or girly whatever her name is i called her you
what is her name
i’m not saying you know what i’m saying no
kunti mcgillicuddy how about
that kuntersin
mick huntersin
and on that note
ladies and gentlemen
it’s always a good way to end the show
oh by the way
gentlemen d md
we’re having a
ufc broadcast
saturday with joey diaz and sam tripoli
we’re gonna be yes
what is the you
stream address
it’s gonna be on my twitter but it will be
you streamed
i don’t have a
fancy you stream like you oh you know no it’s you
stream dot tv backslash red
okay this is what you do go to twitter
and look up red band re d b a n
not red band
it’s a different person
red band gay band and if you do that you’ll find
the twitter they did it before
during the last ufc
they watch the
ufc they order it on pay per
view and then they sit there and talk
about it while it’s
going on and talk shit
and it’s a lot of fun
and in between
fights like
if you’re watching the
fights and like you know a lot of times in between
fights it’s like that you know you get bored
you know you want to go get some food
well if you can have this
going on at the same time you have
bunch of stand up comedians
given commentary and joey diaz is
gonna be there and who else
gonna be there tripoli
sam tripoli maybe t
might stop come on son
like just just that
alone joey diaz
sam tripoli
and jason tebe and they’re all
gonna be doing comedy commentary
on the ufc and
drinking like crazy
drinking and smoking dope with two hands
we’re gonna be twittering you
trying to bug you and i’m
gonna be twitter
i’m gonna be texting them i can’t twitter
while i’m out there because i don’t want to give away
spoilers and shit
right but i’ll text brian
so brian will have the inside skinny
you dirty bitches
and if you also want to see joey
diaz he is gonna be with me february fourth
we’re doing a show in
vegas at the
mandalay bay theater
it’s some new badass theater at
mandalay bay
and it’s me ari shafir
and joey coco
diaz tickets are flying off the shelves bitches
i think the
front area is already gone
but it’s february
4th you can buy tickets online if you go to joerogane
net there’s a link
right yep you can
click on that shit just
click on the
banner on the side and so this
thursday we’re having another podcast and it was with
house barks
and that should be very interesting because
hal is a very bright guy with
a very varied
career he has a rock band it’s called zero one
so he’ll be our
thursday guest and
thank you very
much everybody who made this podcast top 10
in the itunes list that means the
world to me and
brian right
brian yes we’re
excited thank you
we’re gonna figure out a way to do something with this
and make it bigger we’re
gonna take this shit to the next
level in 2011 folks
is officially one year
since we started
yeah so this is
our last show
should have been our one year show
but it was a day off it was the
23rd this is
it this is really it we’ve gone a full year
all right bitches
you know i love you
you know brian loves you
r e d b a n
on twitter follow him
cause he’s very
upset at his twitter
count it’s just really lagging
compared to his
resting is yours
jesus christ i just want at least
eight percent of your people
i’m balling
i’m balling on twitter
i’m not balling
five hundred thousand
is balling i’m half balling i’m like copper records
i got a copper record i need i need to get a
gold snooky numbers
snooky numbers
would be spectacular i
need a goddamn tv show that’s that’s what you gotta do
gotta get a tv show tv show pumps up your twitter
and that pumps up your
stand up comedy shows that and produce more comedy
that’s all happening
it looks like my next comedy special is
gonna be filmed in toronto
buckle the fuck up you
dirty canadian bitches
cause i’m coming
i had such a
good time last time i was in toronto and i know there’s
gonna be a ufc in toronto in
april so it looks like
that’s where i’m
planning on doing
my next special
holla at your boy
that’s in april
yes all right
dirty bitches
manly bay february 4th be there joe diaz
large fear brian redband will be in attendance
and an epic
video will be
made probably better than the one that’s out
right now from austin
the austin one is available
right now and
youtube go find it on joe rogan dot
any t that’s my channel
i’ve said too much i’m
tired of listening to my own fucking
voice good night
tyranny is enveloping the globe
and the united states is a shining jewel
the globalists want to
bring down and they will use terrorism
as the pretext to get it done
so that’s coming up in the
second half of the show very important
information i’m
gonna put the call out that you call the white house
tell them look we’ve seen the news stories that you’ve
wanted to blow things up that you have blown things up
and that you’re saying that
four million of us are going to die we need martial
law and the associated press
one of your little drills you had this is paris
this is alex jones talking
paris on pull this this can stop the shit larian
reichstag event
maybe maybe just some bad tagging as it slammed
what you do
this is a bad tag here we’ll listen to real
this is a warning another cut to move on
another beat that’s so strong hold on and i get wicked