The Joe Rogan Experience #66 - Nick Swardson

i write my lyrics on parking tickets and summons

to the cold i scribble this on the application for

county support i practice this like i

spoke met donald trump and he froze up

standing on his bentley yelling pimps down hoes up

trying to front all break i asked a clump all

we go stop the world make y’all motherfuckers jump off

this is my resume

slash resignation a ranso no

with proposed legislation a be

with ultimatum

you should take it

verbatim cause i got to banging

pieces and you don’t want to date them flying kite

for my folks at home who taking jokes alone we paying

in the back of those who is this the coup

the coup spell that

c o u p and the coupe

that paris remix of the song ghetto manifesto

dude these guys are good dude they’re

legit dude all their shits legit

powerful nick swartzen joins us on the podcast

powerful nick swartzen

good buddy funny comedian

first guy we’ve had on the podcast hung over like a mug

oh my god he’s hurting

right now folks my powers are weak his powers

he’s strong he’s weak when he’s strong he doesn’t even

understand it

you’re fine dude you’re gonna be good

our podcast is always a sponsored by the flashlight

are you serious yeah

oh dude that’s awesome

that’s the alien one that’s the yeah

oh jesus yeah no one’s

touches fucked up put your finger in it i don’t

know it’s gonna eat no it’s cool it’s kind of a

weird feeling oh my god that’s pat

make mouths buttholes vaginas

and even this

thing i did once i bought all the crew flashlights nice

awesome they’re really good

they’re awesome to shoot loads into really

yeah as i smell them i highly recommend it

it’s great to

shoot loads and oh right it’s right by my face no i

would never give you one that’s been shot at it’s fine

those are virgins

those are virgin lights yeah

but so they’re our sponsor

for real nice

if you go to joe rogan dot net you can get

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beat off for cheap

beat off on the cheap son dude

flashlights rule

what a great invention

it’s amazing how controversial it is man

a lot of people

don’t like this is that true very unhappy

about it no way oh

yes absolutely what do you mean like if

flashlight companies people have

given me advice

to not get involved with this

this rubber oh

come on it’s pornographic mmm

it’s a very controversial subject that’s

weird it’s hilarious isn’t it yeah it seems like

it’s a problem solver

sex is bad nick

why do people don’t talk

about masturbation and sex

like my mom

never talks

about madison you

know why because people have

to work when you have to work you have to work with

women and when you have to work with

women you’re not supposed to be talking

about beating off in

front of someone’s wife or someone’s you know

mom or whatever

you can’t talk like that you can’t talk like you

would talk right here

when you’re working with a

bunch of people it’s offensive well we live

in a different reality i mean as a comedian it’s just

it’s a complete league i go home

minnesota where i’m from and it’s just

completely warped i’m like making like

aids jokes like thanksgiving dinner people are like

i’m like why is nobody

laughing they’re

like what are you doing people are crying like

you can’t just say shit

i know it’s

terrible we live in such a

harsh world

i know but it’s

also that most

people are so programmed to like you know try to be

polite and correct and not talk like that

it’s just one of

those things

the more you get used

to it the more it becomes normal it’s our normal our

our offensive is when you know you go to someone’s

house and no one will swear

right it’s like what kind of

weird conversations are we

gonna have i can’t even say shit

if i say shit you gonna

freak out like we’re not

gonna get anything

done and it’s like you don’t have to talk about like

aids diarrhea or something

all the time you know what i mean but it’s like

if some people want to talk

about that they

should be able to

and they should

if there’s blood in diarrhea occasionally and

blood carries aids you can get aids diarrhea

yeah it’s informative

and immature

that’s one of the

worst ways to get diarrhea ever

how’d you get it

oh no the worst ways to get aids ever rather

yeah i did a shot of aids diarrhea

yeah that’s how i got it you

can get aids from a tanning bed

you can get aids from a tanning bed

you get aids from a tanning bed what are you talking

about bro that’s what

chicks say you know how

everyone says you can get herpes from a tanning bed

now i heard the

other day you can get aids from a tanning bed if

somebody’s on your period

and then you sit down on that

blood and then

put what and you have an open

wound in your asshole yeah like a hemorrhoid and your

body sucks it in like a hemorrhoid

you have to kind of

like put it inside your body

you know like with

blood blood

doesn’t like

just go into your

system you know i mean it has to be

stuck in there

are squished

together like indian

style yeah is that does that work though i wonder

i wonder if

it works it’s like

28 days later

where if you

bleed on someone’s eyeball

they fucking turn into aids

monkey zombie

or whatever the fuck

i think it’s hard it’s

gotta be hard to get aids it seems to be harder to get

there has to be a lot of depression

well it’s so

crazy that you know it came

out i remember when it came out it was like the early

1980s it was a big

big public story

and i remember

thinking oh my god like this is so

crazy eventually everyone’s

gonna fuck everyone

and give everyone aids

right it’s like you can’t stop people from fucking and

if there’s some disease that kills people when you fuck

it’s we’re goners it’s the end of the

world as we know it yeah no it’s not

again and then all of a

sudden it didn’t happen that way

you know magic johnson was the

first one that

freaked everybody

out i remember i was driving i was in revere

okay i was leaving the gym i was in my car with my

girlfriend and we were listening to the

radio and they were talking

about how magic johnson was like making some sort of a

press conference

to announce that

he’s got aids that he’s hiv positive

we were like holy shit

magic johnson’s

gonna die whoa

that was reality

i thought everyone’s

going to be dead we’re

going to be fucked

because now obviously men are getting it from

women and women are getting it from men

and men are getting it from men and it’s just fucking

just a fuck sandwich out there

those mosquito aids

that aids mosquitoes remember

those oh no

magic johnson

got like some

dope ass aids it makes you look better yeah he looks

great he’s not even aging

his aids is causing him to not age

yeah great weight loss

a fountain of youth

yeah he’s like

plump and like looks

vital he’s killing it healthy

that’s fucking

strong skin

there was that one person that was the

first person that longs

yeah he’s not sagging and

everything he’s not turning

into an old person

he looks like

firm and elastic he looks a lot he looks a fucking

weird shit with aids dude

he’s got awesome aids some yeah

did you hear that dope

did you hear

about that first guy that just got cured yeah

yeah that’s

stem cells yeah

fucking time well you know there’s a whole

school of thought that it

doesn’t that

hiv and aids aren’t real

yeah i don’t

understand it and i’m not even

gonna get into it but it’s

there’s a guy named dr

peter duesberg

and he’s a biologist out of the

university of

california berkeley

and he says there’s no

connection between hiv and aids

he said that aids what aids is when people are jacked

he says it’s a

bunch of things he said it

could be drug use and a lot of people it is

it’s like a

lot of it’s crystal meth and poppers and amyl nitrate

and it’s a lot of

other undiagnosed

things and what it is is just

crushing your

t cell count and

what he says

is that the reason why people test positive for hiv

is that hiv is a very weak

virus and it can only

exist in the

system of someone who’s already been compromised

so instead of

you know that hiv

causes aids what he says is a symptom of the fact your

systems is jacked

right and the gay community like

they do a lot of crystal meth and poppers and shit yeah

so i’ve heard

so i’ve heard as well

i don’t you know i don’t pretend

that that makes

sense though it

doesn’t make any

sense that the scientists

wouldn’t have figured out that

hiv doesn’t

cause a huge

but do you really

think that they

would be that kind of a

cover up like

that mass of a

scale where

every scientist

that kind of studies it goes oh yeah yeah yeah

they connected yeah yeah

yeah i don’t know i don’t think so

that’s a big yeah

i just bet it’s a complicated


virus all i

know we just got

super lucky

i don’t got that shit

i got tasty loads i don’t got it yet

okay oh okay i don’t got it yet shit

i’ll get it tonight


how about people that go looking for it man how

about bug chasers

oh god that’s a

scary thing man

there’s people that are on purpose

getting hiv

they’re on purpose letting dude

shoot loads into them they need

to do that is there a documentary on that i put that

would be an interesting documentary

yeah you should you

should super

that should be your next project with no pants

now that the austin videos out

and everybody if you go to

my youtube page

it’s joe rogan

dot any t is my youtube page and

there’s a new video

it says good

times in austin or something like that but brian just

just completed it it’s a fucking masterpiece the

thing spectacular

a little austin

yeah a little austin and it’s got the joey

diaz incident

on the alex

jones show which was the

greatest thing i’ve ever seen on my time here on earth

it was fuck ufos landing

fuck all that i just

you know what i

mean ufos are

gonna be that funny

you know that was better than anything i’ve ever seen

i never seen a

movie that made me

laugh that hard

i never seen anything that made me

laugh that hard that i’ve

never laughed harder in my life

one time i came close

brian callan

we were all

stoned in a

hotel room with

brian callan

was doing his jiu jitsu

gay rapist bit

he does this

portuguese accent like this

heavy brazilian accent we talks

about you know like

taking guys down and

mounting them and then

raping it’s

you know dude that

sounds like

on paper yeah

he’s hilarious i can

one of the funny you know

count i can already

visualize yeah

it’s brilliant the bit is brilliant

that was those

those are close

those are close

but i think joey diaz is

gonna take the cake because that was on

on the radio in front of

probably a million listeners people

watching it on the internet from now

until you know who knows when

the videos are everywhere

and it was goddamn hilarious and was

live he just totally hijacked that dude show to hijack

it but my favorite part

about it is like

the story is hilarious on its own

but then in that

context of hijacking a live show and telling it angrily

made it like another

level of funny dude but it

started out hilarious just

queue up his rant

on the alex

jones show queue up that part and play for people yeah

you know what’s

crazy about the

whole video too is it starts off

with you saying the word retard on the

radio and how

they had to censor that

you know and then it goes to the extreme

of joey diaz

saying fucking fan

i told you after i stopped saying i said i was

gonna stop saying faggot

a guy emailed me and

asked me to stop saying

cocksucker as well and i’m like okay we are getting

crazy yeah come on like we’re getting crazy

you can’t say retard look

retarded is been a way that we describe people that are

idiots forever

and it’s not

offensive you know what’s offensive

it’s offensive that you

think that some sort of

a word is gonna make any sort

of a difference yeah i know that’s what’s offensive

that’s ridiculous look

if i’m shitting on little kids that have

down syndrome children

that’s cruel and horrible that’s not a nice

thing to do but right

it’s not what we’re talking about

we’re talking

about someone being a retard

you know what the fuck we’re saying yeah no

people are fucking

stupid like what are you supposed to say you supposed

to say idiot and

idiots okay

yeah because then

i mean you could dissect

every fucking

well you know retard

originally was the

i think the medical

designation for it was

mongoloid idiot

that was like the way they used to describe him

so i mean that was

like that was like the real nomenclature you know and

retarded sounds way better than mongooid

idiot yeah could you imagine

what the fuck man mongooid is a funny word

i think the

whole midget

thing too though the

midget thing’s

weird cause you grew up

just calling a midget

you know it’s little people yeah that’s just

crazy that’s why i call

midgets retards

i target midgets

and i call midgets faggots

retarded people faggots i just switch it up

that’s the move man that’s all you gotta

do alright here’s the joey diaz audio

this is alex jones studio

oh this is just

the part of me describing it well it goes

right into it

it’s cooler this way

you’re the master of what’s cooler dude

i’m gonna skip this last network break here right

we’re gonna skip the break

i saw a humbling thing i

said the funniest thing i ever saw in my fucking life

hey good to see you absolutely always a

place make sure the delay is on in there

i have a baggie and i put under my left

this is not a control

so your viewers know

the people i don’t want okay we’re looking for the

truth on this show is about the truth

i i got one i got there

and i had baggy clothes on and i felt on they said

because you have baggy

clothes on they didn’t know i lost

right pounds

they said we’re gonna put you to the x ray machine

i’m standing there sweating bullets

with this baggy under my fucking oh that’s enough

the right now because i’m already stopped

cancer for a couple weeks

you know the opposite hand is like saying

listen to me so i’m standing

with my legs open

you’re like ronnie danger listen stop run fucking run

not to mention my balls i’m sweating now

cause i’m not going to jail tonight

and he shook my

hand i’m like my taxpayers are hard at work no i know

go fuck yourself

joey diaz facebook twitter

check yourself before you write yourself

oh my god oh my god big dicks in your ass bad feel

check yourself before you wreck yourself

you know it’s funny i was gonna edit the song the ice

t or ice cube song you know that that’s from

but that song is actually pretty stupid

like it’s not a good

cool song to listen to well

maybe we good for that one quote yeah but that

quote that’s funny cause i remember that song being

great cause of that line but then i listened to

him like ugh

what check this out for you wreck yourself yeah

it’s like check yourself before you wreck

yourself riggity wreck yourself

i’m bad for your health

i come like this joey diaz took it to another level

right yeah he brought that he’s the funniest guy ever

there’s no one i’ve

never met anybody in my entire life that’s

funny than joey diaz

no one dude i just remember that i did a

music video with sandler

like ten years ago and joey

we used his ball sack in the video

it’s a song about shaving your pubic hair

and there’s a clip of joey’s balls like

bouncing up and down

is that online

yeah it’s called

fuck i just i trim my bush for some sure my best

i can’t remember i’m so brand

i trimmed my bush or some shit

i can’t whatever does anybody ever say that at work

i had to film that

fat man on the toilet series

which was joey

diaz fat and naked on a toilet

and the whole idea was

gonna be made for cell phones where

we filmed him on the toilet giving advice like traffic

horoscope weather news and

stuff like that and i had to be in this little

bathroom with like a

video recorder

by myself it was a hot

la day and it was just him fucking

naked and he would

stand be like oh

just balls hanging everywhere

and it was like

humid in the bathroom and he would just

start ranting

about shit yeah

there’s nothing written

right right

and i remember it was at this

in this pool house of

a friend of

one of the guys

that worked on fear factor something like that

david herwoods yeah and

like his girl

i don’t know no i don’t think

i don’t think

he was the director of

something like that yeah

and then the

wife came in and was like i brought you guys

lemonade i’m like this is fucking creepy

this is like

one of my first years

out in la and i’m like i’m doing porn this is how i

start doing corn

right i have some

lemonade but

does all cost did

joey take a shit

no he just sat there the

whole time oh

god if he did and then i

started giving like props

joey diaz doesn’t

i’ll throw up he

doesn’t fit

on toilets correctly

yeah so he leaves these

these survivors

that have like

crashed the ship and then

crawling up onto the beach the best feature

drive joey shits

he leaves you in the bathroom all the time especially

in the humidity they’re

climbing up and trying to escape like crabs in a bucket

they’re not

totally in the water like half submerged the

mirror was fog man i wrote i love you on it and

stuff like that because it was so

humid from his balls in there and the greatest part

the greatest part is

he stood up and his balls were hanging at least

12 inches or something like that and i kept on throwing

toilet paper rolls trying to hit it like a carnival

and at the very end i fucking hit it

oh my god it’s in the video it’s called joey diaz

fat man on the toilet or something like that on

his balls his balls

like they literally look like rocks in an old

ladies videos

they’re ridiculous

they’re ridiculous i’ve

never seen balls so big in my life

it doesn’t even make sense

which brings me up to a very important point

check this out

my next door well i won’t say that

some people that i know

nice nice say

people that i

know they’re very nice people this this gay couple they

they had a kid and they they

impregnated a woman

with their loads

and the way they did it was they put

their loads together

and then they

mixed it up so no way

and then they

squirted in it was just

a low grace

fall it was like and

they’re off

and it was just like hopefully it’s my fucking shit

it’s fascinating

about that i mean it’s fascinating

about that because it’s kind of weird like

they really did they didn’t just

adopt a baby they created a baby with

their own genetics like they have a couple

somehow or another

i mean they’ll

figure out eventually whose baby it really is you know

especially if they get in

fights or something like that

the idea is

that somehow or another

you’re gonna figure out

you’re gonna get

these loads in there and it’s gonna

you know they’re

gonna just have a race but they’re not

gonna have a race they’re

gonna murder each other

like a big percentage of the loads that you shoot

are just murderous

sperm killers

all they want to do is go kill

other sperm

they’re sent out there

to make sure

that the sperm that’s already in the cooter

doesn’t get to the eggs

and so they attack

and they go

smash it and the more

promiscuous the women are

the more your body produces

more of these

crazy killer sperm

that’s why ball size

is directly proportional

to female sluts in the community

so that’s why gorillas have little balls

gorillas have little balls because female gorillas are

chill they’re not whores

chimpanzees have

giant balls

because female chimps are fucking whores

they’re whores they just want chimp dick all over town

and so these chimps have to force

those killer loads in there

so that their genetics can move on to attack the loads

so these guys

in creating this baby they really launched this sperm

fucking genocide

campaign where they just attacked each

other in a dish oh my god you know there’s no harmony

in that there’s no harmony in that you know

they should have like a

like see through

flashlights and then

let’s all fuck

it and then i’ll be like an ant farm will just

watch all the shit go down all the

fighting the

sperm fight well i wonder if you could

that’s so true right

i don’t know wow if you were like you know like you had

a box and you can only well you don’t want to see each

other while you’re

shooting loads

but if you you had like something like

they had side

of the room

bluetooth like video

maybe it’s like there’s a hole in the wall and the

flashlight is attached to the hole in the wall

right and you’re in one room

fucking it and your friends in another room fucking it

and it falls into the center and that’s the

catch tray and then it mixes them all together

under some super

powerful microscope and we

watch sperm wars

sperm wars if you imagine that

would be like let’s just

pitch let’s just

pitch it let’s

pitch it dude let’s just at

least set up a meeting and just

pitch it around

see the look on people’s faces yeah and you

and it’s like you and me put our names on him or like

should we just say we’re totally committed to the show

like this is our this is our fucking dreams for morse

it’s actually a good idea

for a show you could have a show

where you took celebrities

and you you shot their loads you know they do this you

know they don’t have to actually do it

you know you just pretend they’re doing it

and then you animate what’s going on with their loads

yeah that’d be sweet

you know like

dwayne the rock johnson

versus brock

lesnar get their loads together and battle it out

you could have like fucking daniel day lewis

versus fucking jeremy irons

oh i like that one

classy sperm

fight classy

a fucking a method sperm in english accented sperm

sperm so white gloves yeah

a duel perhaps

a duel a semen

duo it’s amazing

how much distinction that accent carries

how much more you take someone’s opinion seriously

yeah they just

sound so much smarter

like that i love that show top gear

you ever watch that show no what is it so uk show

about about cars mostly

so they just

they they go on these

little trips and shit and they

drive these

crazy ferraris and shit all over the

place and they have like little games

that they play a little contest they do with each other

like who can get like the

one guy will be in a ferrari

the other guys have to

catch a plane

and then a train and he has a straight

jaunt in a ferrari

and you want to see who makes it there first

so they do a

bunch of shit like that

jeremy clarkson who’s the main host guy and

all three of the guys that are host

they’re all english

and because they’re english because they have

that english accent when they make fun of something

it seems so

preposterous like they seem so correct

right very very

influential on

americans for some reason yeah

what the fuck is that all americans

are enthralled with that accent that accent is a kill

australian is like you’re a little dirty

you know if you got that

australian thing

you know you like to

party a little crazier

you know you got the

party english girl

boomerangs yeah it’s like they’re really

close but they’re more like more like

party we had the

party mate yeah

yeah was that good

no why is that a bull

yeah although

they’re crazier

the australians a little wilder

the englishster

thought of it as more distinctive

drink that heroin mate

don’t be a fucking pussy

i don’t even know what accent

that was there was a combination

i think that was welsh

yeah yeah i

think that was like aztec

meets fucking

the craziest i’ve ever met is dublin

no not dublin

belfast belfast

northern ireland jesus i’ve

never talked to anybody with an accent like that before

their accent is almost impenetrable

when they’re talking to you it’s almost like you look

right in front of a dude he’s

speaking english

and you don’t have a fucking clue what he’s saying

what was that accident that movie

snatched remember all

those dudes

that could make out

there were gypsies

right gypsy

yeah brad pitt of the

crazy fucking

x pikey’s that’s what yeah that’s

right yeah pikey’s there’s a lot

that’s what it’s

like man that’s

what it’s like in belfast belfast is nuts

belfast have

never been to a

place more depressing

you know and people belfast

heard it’s paradise

they get mad when i say this

i’ve said this a few times you

know and people from belfast are like fuck you this

belfast is awesome

it’s raining

every day dude

it’s raining every day

everything’s gray if you take a color

picture of something you have no idea it’s color

cause it’s fucking gray

everything looks like old time

everything’s goddamn

black and white why

would they even if if

we lived in belfast we would

never even need to invent

color cameras

cause you wouldn’t use them

everything’s fucking gray

by the way i hate it when people are from a place and

like they can’t even shit on

their own like i’m from minnesota

there’s bad parts that there’s bad things

about it i can fucking

admit that i hate it when people are like i’m from here

dude no it’s my fucking grew

up it’s like

silly bro fucking people get attached to different

they get attached to their

patch of dirt

you know they get attached

their their chocolates

right spot this

is our turf

this is our fucking area man

what’s the deal with

gypsies do they even

exist is that

even a race absolutely

so when you say like

those gypsies are in the

going through my trash

that’s like is that like saying that

those are really gypsies or

that i like

a slang i’m

calling them

gypsies for a reason there are a

whole lot of them here in america

and europe though there’s a lot of

gypsies yeah yeah

i mean it’s

these are just people

traveling around they seem like they hide

good or something well they know a lot

about werewolves

if you’re ever in a werewolf

movie a fucking shitload

about werewolves

gypsies are always the ones man oh

really the latest one benicio del toro

very gypsy based

heavy in the

gypsy content

dude i love gypsies

you ever had sex with the gypsy

well no i have a gypsy

flashlight though

do you yeah what’s the difference

it’s got a fucking bandana on and

some fucking

trinkets and shit

and fucking

it like fucking

whispers and shit like sides

ankle bracelets shit

dirty dirty

ankle bracelets

every girl who has anchor bracelets want dick

that’s a fact

if you’re walking around with

ankle bracelets on you want some dick or a toe ring

or a toe ring that’s just a fucking dick

dive start dirty bitch

jesus goddamn cock magnet

i used to wear

that’s a fucking dick diving

board yeah man you trying to look

sparkly and

shiny in your

ankles and your feet what are you saying

yeah look at your legs that’s what you want yeah

how much difference has that been like a

watch though

you know people that are obsessed with

watches for guys no that’s like jewelry

it’s no different but

every guy wants pussy see

every guy wants sex

every 100 most

women don’t want sex from you

that’s what the deal

is that’s the difference so in a guy doing it makes

sense he’s trying to

track someone

who’s like look at the shiny

look you’re so

shiny with your

shiny would just

start wearing sequin

shirts then

it’s not that

you got to be careful

wouldn’t it’s

gonna attract the wrong

it’s too much shiny and

these guys go oh i want that

if it were really just

if shiny was the only key people

would have like diamond top hats and shit and fucking

like i would have a fucking

diamond turtleneck and just be walking around and

cane sequence

no well the dumber the


you know the more more diamonds you will use

right you know

your pretend

time by the way is fucking hilarious you’re

have you seen his new show and kind of

i’m guilty of not seeing it

it’s very good

that’s what

nick swartzen is attached it has my unequivocable

seal of approval

i love you notwithstanding i’m sure i

would love it so filled

and fucked up

people either

love it or they hate it

i have people come up to the

fucking that

that means you’re doing the

total correct

thing yeah that’s what i

think i love the cat in the

wheelchair that’s one of my favorite favorites some

critic goes your show i have a

sketch up for people who don’t know

it’s already done but

at a critic goes

uh yeah i watch the next words

and show it’s just the same old shit we’ve seen before

literally my show is a

cat in a wheelchair that does cocaine like

yeah what a broken record that theme is

a cat in a fucking

wheelchair that does coke yeah

god been there done that

we have a huge problem

with really really mediocre people that are criticizing

other people

really mediocre

writers really mean oh my god

this day and

age is fucking

crazy because

anybody can be a critic yeah i have to and there’s a

fucking retarded yeah

and if you’re

snarky enough and if you’re shitty enough

about people

you know you can get really popular

a lot of these websites

they just keep at it

every day and they’re shitty

and douchey to people and they get a lot of hits yeah

and so then everybody

starts thinking well that’s all i

need to do to be a critic i just need to be a douchebag

and so critics equal

you just try to find

a way to shit on things

you know and your actual

assessment of what you like or don’t like there’s no

real substance to any of it

cause you’re a fucking moron

if you had anything to

contribute you

wouldn’t be a goddamn critic in the

first place

right i mean

who the hell

would want to be a critic if you’re a creative person

i mean there’s one

thing to be an appreciator of art

and that appreciation leads you to be a critic

like i think like

roger ebert

i think that guy

truly appreciates the art of filmmaking i think

there’s critics like that that are artists that like

he actually

appreciates what he’s talking

about it’s like a really important meaningful

thing to him

but then on the flip side

i get annoyed by critics who like

will see movies that i do

and you know

roger ebert in

particular but guys who are like

highfalutin critics and they’ll be like

yeah i saw bench warmers this is garbage it’s like well

yeah that’s

not fucking for you you know what i mean like if

you’re a big critic like

don’t review a

movie that you’re obviously gonna find

flaws in the plot of like

what the fuck you know people that

are looking

silly movies they’re

going to a fucking hot dog store

and they’re looking for some insane

seven course french dinner

you’re not gonna get it

stupid that’s

a hot dog and hot dogs are cool too you’re not

gonna get it dude

you know people don’t

understand man

yeah you go to fucking taco bell you’re not

gonna get fucking

salmon sashimi

it is what it is

smoke a joint go see

a giggle done

done laugh so done done

that’s it that’s all you

gotta do and it’s mostly

for kids so what the fuck’s your problem man it’s

about little league baseball you fucking

piece of shit

you motherfucker you


i got this theory

about critics though and

about all this

negativity on the internet

on the internet i think in some ways it’s good

because i think it’s like

getting a little bit of snake venom

all the time

you know you get a little bit

here a little bit there and eventually become immune to

snake venom

whereas a lot of people who’ve

never experienced anything like criticism

on the internet from anonymous people just being

completely shitty

about you it’s gnarly

gnarly and for a lot of people that have

never experienced it it’s like a jolt for

their system

like i’ve seen i’ve met people that have gone through

you know they’ve got like some internet fame

or had some

things happen to them and you can tell

like when people have been shit on you can tell

when like a lot of

people have attacked them with hate mail it’s just like

jolts their personality

yeah so a little

bit here and there from douchebags here and there

you just got to realize

eventually you come to this sort of a recognition that

the reason why they’re

communicating like that is not really necessarily

because they

didn’t really they responded that way to your product

a lot of the reason why they’re

communicating them that way is because they’re a mess

right a mess is a

human being

they’re not

that creative they’re not that special they’re

angry all the time

their relationships probably don’t work out very well

they’re filled with

angst they don’t know how to become

great they want something more than what they are

they want to be

treated as special even though they don’t want to

actually do the work to become special they’re cunts

right well it’s like

with stan it’s like inevitable that you’re

gonna get fucking haters yeah

cause i can

stand up it’s like you can’t have a

great show every you know like

right that’s when i

started doing

stand up and you get to that

thing where it’s like you’re

gonna fucking bomb eventually have to

you have to

so i always tell people who wanted to

stand up like

you know it’s

gonna it’s fucking hard as shit and you’re

gonna fucking it’s not fun yeah it’s the hardest part

the hardest part is not doing well

this this like

when you do

joey diaz as a bass he said

stand up is the

it’s the hardest easiest

thing you’ll ever do

right the hardest easiest

thing cause when it’s easy it’s easy

when it’s hard it’s hard

when you say

when you get like this

it’s so fucking

awful it’s brutal

i’ve had that happen i’ve had that happen

i’ve eaten shit several times in my life

where i was like

i felt like

like as low as a dog

dying it’s like

right there it’s

awful dude i mean the

first time i got food off stage

i was like shell

shocked like my hands were shaking like

i didn’t go on

stage for like a week dude in new york

it was fucking awful

yeah it can get you

yeah it’s scary and then

once you but you know it’s a

weird thing that

stand up like that negative

stand up is so painful it’s very

like if you wanted to look at it like as a


study it’s a really intriguing topic

because what’s

going on is

you are requiring so much attention

you are asking for so much energy and so much

focus on you

that you’re actually

standing on a

stage with an amplified

voice and a spotlight on you

and this is like a big brash step to take

and if you’re eating it out there and people paid

money to see you talk

the anger swells

up inside them they want you to know like this is not

entertaining yeah

you fuck you find

you feel those feelings you are failing at your job

you were given

a job and you’re making everybody feel like shit to

bring us joy

and you’re doing the fucking opposite

and now we’re angry

and we’re fucking turning into a mob

yes and we’re

gonna fucking

fist you when he comes in

exact opposite man

have you ever seen a guy say something like

super offensive like

sometimes comics will say something

and what they’re just trying to do is just trying to

come up with something funny and

a lot of it comes out

before you’ve really thought about it

and a lot of

comics will

like you know

they’ll try to be like

super controversial

and they’ll say like insulting shit

but just like the kramer nigger thing

like that like

he didn’t know what he was doing

he fucked up he’s an

idiot obviously but it’s like

what was he

doing he was just taking chances he was just

seeing what’s in the cylinders pulling

triggers he didn’t know what he

was he had bullets and blanks

what do i got here i got a rocket i’m just

fucking panicking and

dying up here

and people were yelling at him that you suck you ain’t

funny look we have a nigger

well and then he’s committed to it he’s like i’m just

gonna go with this this is my new sketch

that by the way for people who wanted to stand up

don’t push that

panic button

if you ever fucking

that’s the wrong button the

one that kramer push was

right on one

run off stage

every other button

is right yeah

literally take a shit on the

stage pull your pants down

take a shit

throw it at someone like a fucking monkey

fucking not

do not drop

a fucking n

bomb on stage

oh yeah you

gotta be real careful with that one god and it was

funny cause then kramer

tried to do it with kramer mannerisms

where it was just like i don’t know kramer

not working

he was doing a lot of

weird shit on

stage it was really strange

he was coming to the comedy

store a lot

and it was real weird

cause he didn’t really like talk to anybody you know

it was just

kind of odd you know how he’s hanging out and he

would do like

these weird

like pratt falls and sketches and

stuff on stage it was very strange i got into a

fight with him

did you really yeah about what

i want the improv one

night and i walked

in the showroom and it was like a pretty full crowd

and he was on

stage this is a week before

fucking and


happened so he’s on

stage and he’s melting

down melting the fuck like

talking about the war there was no jokes

and he just was like getting like dark and the

crowd was like

super uncomfortable

haha and so i grab the

shoulder manager and i go give him the fucking light

and he goes no it’s i can’t it’s michael richards i go

give him the fucking

light and he goes no and i go i’ll give him the fucking

light so i started fucking

flashing the light

and he looks at the

light he looks over at the

booth he looks at me

and i just kept

flashing the

light and he fucking got off and we

after after a

minute and i

grabbed the mc

and i go bring me on

after him i wasn’t

gonna go on

but i go bring me on

and they were like okay

so they brought me

right up and he’s passing me as he’s walking on

stage he’s like

who the fuck give me the

light i go i gave you the fucking

light and i went on

stage and did a fucking half hour so the

crowd had a fucking good show you know what i mean like

and he was yelling

in the back of the room is fucking livid

and i just and

i and i fucking go i’m

sorry that you guys had to fucking see that i fucking

for michael richards i go

yeah i go you know they didn’t fucking

pay to see this dude was holding them fucking prisoner

no jokes was yelling at them like be rating this

crowd i was like

whoa fuck you bro

and then a week

later he got

fucking that was

the whole end

thing at the fucking lesson do you

think he was gacked up on something i do

i saw him that

night that he went

to the end i don’t know dude

you thought he was gacked up on something

you saw him at the comedy

store right

what happened is he went to the comedy

store first

before he went to the

laugh factory

and he brought this

friend of his and they were just

acting really

fucked up and then he went on

stage ate shit

and i was like telling

you i called you yeah i said something like dude

kramer michael richards was just here man you

should see he was fucked up and all this

other crap yeah you said he had a meltdown and then

brent ernst

drove from the

laugh factor the

comic store need to told the whole

story to everybody wow

and everybody was like well we thought that was

gonna be the end of it though we had no idea there’s

gonna be a video of it

he goes dude you know brenner it’s goes in this fucking

whole story

about it like he’s on

stage dropping the end bomb

i’m freaking the fuck out he’s calling

these guys not just

dropping him a

calling these guys

going look here’s

there are niggers

yeah pointing it was like whoa

and we were all

we were all

super baked too so it seems so surreal

it didn’t seem real at all when you hear a

story like that you’re like what kramer said this

kramer so the way

uhf is one of my favorite

movies yeah me too me too

you know it’s jan

i can’t give a

shout out to uhf

it’s weird when

those guys go from

being on a sitcom to not being on a sitcom anymore

and then trying to do

stand up which is

you go from this

world where

the fake producer laugh

like when you’re doing a sitcom and you do

like run throughs

everyone laughs at

their own jokes so you’re like mike

what kind of a can is that

it’s like everyone

laughs in the

background cause the producers want the network to

think that what you’re saying is so hilarious

i guess it’s so bad sometimes like when

you’re doing reshoots that it’s actually distracting

like when you have to reshoot a

scene or something didn’t work right

and so when they reshoot a

scene like they don’t have an audience sometimes we

would do it like on

these radio till like two o’clock in the morning

and so you would do it and then you’d hear

this gross fake

laugh from the producers are from the

right right

so they go from that

world where like everybody laughs at

everything you say would you like another bagel mr

magic land yeah he’s just living in this fucking

world where

he’s a goddamn king

you know you show up on the set and

there’s a parking spot with your name on it

and everybody

stumbles over themselves to get you coffee and

would you like a

magazine what can we do for you sir i just

i just say it’s so disrespectful you

know it was so disrespectful because it’s like i’m just

as a psychological yeah

yeah no no no

i hear you i just hate it when people do that shit

where it’s like

i mean even like myself i took a year off from

stand up because i didn’t have

a new act that you know that i was

that i really was

happy with i’m working on it

right now but it’s like i

but i don’t say that for

sixteen years i you know and i was like i’m

gonna take time off

cause i’m not

ready so for

motherfuckers to go on

stage and be like

yeah i’m fucking

famous i’ll just go up and just

stand there and fucking yeah

i try to win it’s like fuck you dude i

totally totally completely

agree with you and totally side with your

you know decision to like to pump the

crowd up and everything

but what i’m looking at is a crazy

person i don’t

think it’s as simple as like here’s a guy who

you know he just you’re saying

like lack of attention like they need that fill that

void of like yeah he’s broken i

think there’s a pathology there

i think with

quite a few actors there’s a pathology and

the solution to this pathology

is attention massive massive doses of attention

i think a lot of people that are

famous are crazy

and the way to become

recognize the

way to get what they’re looking for is just to be

extraordinary it’s something

right so look i am special

so whether it’s

acting whether it’s singing or whatever it is

they start out with a pathology

they start out with

they’ve got a fucking

psychological disorder

there’s some wiring that’s fucked up

i think that’s a huge percentage of people that are

famous right i

agree and i mean that’s what

brings on the drug

it so you know

which i don’t partake

in never i’ve

heard that it’s

very prominent in the community i’ve

heard it too

i find it did you hear

about that it’s not necessary

i smelled it

before yeah

which part the

hey did you

do you have any time to do

stand up right now

like you’ve been like it seems like you’re in like four

movies being

made four different tv shows like you’re just

being worked like

crazy are you i had a crazy

year man it was cool

i knock on wood

i’m very i was

worried yeah it was a

great year i don’t

think you like disappeared for like six

months it seemed like i did i shot two

movies out of town and then

but i took a

while off stand up and

i’m getting back into it but you know i was i

could have toured

and done more shows but i just

i don’t believe in paying

having people paid to see the

you know the same act i just did on

fucking tv right

what do you how do you

when you do that right like

everybody’s got

their own method i

think louis

ck’s methods the most fascinating he does a new one

every year i don’t know how the fuck he does that

he’s a maniac just saying work so hard

just works really hard it was like

brian regan and

gaff again like those guys

write so much yeah

i try to write a lot i’m

ready for a new special now i have

oh really so it’s for me it’s like

it’s been almost two years

since i filmed the last one i have

enough material now for another one oh that’s great but

it’s tricky man

i’m scared i’m

gonna release this i know i’m

gonna release this and then i

gotta go on a mad writing spree for like four months

is you have like four

months from the time that you film something

to the time it actually gets

you know yeah

don’t be in a rush i gotta go

crazy no i got shows to do

bitch i gotta

come up some new jokes i

gotta do some mushrooms

it’s fucking good

that’s the move man i need

a new level

need to hit a new level

yeah i just zone out next

level shit i just think it’s

crazy shit when i’m driving

that helps i

never sit down and

drive with no

music on right

yeah just fucking zone it out

and fucking take the crazy shit

yeah there’s something about

driving that’s almost like meditative

yeah like your mind

just fucking goes away

yeah there’s like part of your

brain that says okay we only need this amount

to pay attention to

where we’re going

we need this amount

look at all this free

brain we got

what do you

wanna do you

wanna think

about shit okay let’s think

about life hey let’s think

about something with farting

think about a new

thing about farting

because when you listen to the

music you know which is

great i love listening to

music in my car but

then you’re not

thinking as much

then you go you’ve got another 10

of your brains

occupied with that

right right

or more yeah i have like a new half hour i’m pretty

psyched but

i need a fucking

another half hour so how do you you don’t sit down and

write you never

write on it

i never have

really just come up with it on the fly i come up with

stuff on the fly or i’ll just keep adding

you know i’ll go up on

stage with a premise and then work it out

and then just find more

stuff in that premise you know do you

keep your whole act in your head or

do you have

things written

down i always

write it down

right but bring up a little

piece of paper

you always write it down before you go up on

stage yeah i read a new

style and i put it yeah

but i only go on with new

stuff i mean it’s rare that you’ll see me tell the same

but what i’m

saying is like do you do you have any do you have your

stuff written

out anywhere like you have like here’s my you know

monkey business

right nothing

you record your shit and listen to it ever no i

should really do

that that’s the best that’s the best that’s what i’ve

heard that’s helped

me with the

iphone just record

listen to it on the way home makes a big difference

man there’s so many little taglines that i forgot

about that’s the thing is

i forget nuances of

fart jokes that’s

annoying man when you come

up with the perfect tag it’s like perfect and you go

motherfucker i’m not recording the show

it’s also embarrassing

like i don’t know if this ever happened

to you and someone reminds

you of like a really good joke that you told once

and i’m like oh i forgot

about that one like oh i love that joke it’s like

yeah i’m real professional

i can remember my own fucking jokes i’m like

oh i did like that joke yeah

thank you for reminding me of my own act yeah well

cause i’m a fucking

idiot people will

call out request sometimes it shows you know like you

know at the end of the show i do like a question answer

thing oh really yeah

that’s a good idea

it’s fun so much fun

you know and

when people call out bits like two am nicole

smith i’m like i don’t even know how to do it

right i don’t know how it goes

i don’t know

i don’t know how it goes

anymore i don’t i know it was mine i know i wrote it

i don’t remember how it goes

i have to go listen to it a

bunch of times and then practice it and shit

yeah that’s the words whenever i go home to minnesota

cause i started there so i’ve done

standard for sixteen years so people call out jokes

that i told at an open mic ten

twelve fifteen years ago whoa

i do the fried chicken

i’m like what

i’m like i don’t know what the fuck that is

does minnesota have like a real

like community a

stand up comedy community dude

sick fine line

dude it’s got like

is that acne

what’s one of the

best yeah acne

is one of the best comedy clubs in the country

but yeah they got a good

scene there dude

it’s awesome you’ve done

stand up in minneapolis

yeah you only

won this field

came on stage yeah

yeah i came on fine line cafe

with my pants

falling off

it was awesome

the last day

that was fun man that was cool

you know you’re the only guy who’s ever come on

stage with me

forever really no

no one’s ever done that before yeah

never that’s a

good video too fun

joe show minneapolis

that was yeah

great one but they’re

great crowd they were awesome

awesome dude i’ve been wanting to go back and do

acme because i keep hearing how amazing acne is

everybody says it’s like one of the best comedy club so

dude you even fucking love it everybody says that man

there’s only a few

comedy clubs in the country that totally have it nailed

you know like there’s the comedy works in denver

and you know

there’s a few

other ones they

still do that fucking

early show though i hate the

early show you don’t have to do it dude

tell them no

there’s a three shows on saturday i do now

i can’t do three shows anyway i don’t fucking

no i can’t do that

two is all i can

if i did a third i just be

greedy and i

would be given a half ass show it’s not the same

you’re exhausted

two hours of

you know after that

is over man the last club i did was the chicago improv

you did three

i did know i did

thursday to friday to saturday and one sunday

and i looked like fucking

betty white on fucking sunday i

i partied so

hard i can’t even do it i did so hard to go into a club

cause i went an early

i went to like cubs games and just got fucking

twisted dude so

i came in out of the gate and

just like so hard dude

cause people get fucking like

my fans are fucking crazy

like i’ll get

i don’t do shots on

stage anymore i cut all that

stuff out really

just because of

floodgates it

just turns into it can get dangerous yeah i did

it caroline’s once and it was a huge mistake on that

one time i was in minneapolis

and i was like just on a bender

and i fucking grab the waitress i go

hey can i get a

drink on stage she’s

like yeah what do you want i go can i get six shots of

tequila all

by the way all for me

the crowd looks at me fucking horrified

like i thought people can be like yeah and they

were just staring at me and then i just realized like

i look like such an alcoholic

so that i made

another great choice of going

does anybody want to do

these with me and it just was like

and so wow yeah but i was pretty funny

i saw joe meltdown in vegas

how much was it

twenty one shots or something

it’s grown in stature over the years

i don’t know how many it was it was nineteen

at least thirteen

tequila we know is

least thirty was all kinds of

stuff yeah i

threw up into a garbage

can after i got off stage

i was so hammered on

stage i couldn’t remember jokes i couldn’t talk it was

ridiculous i get off stage

and throw up into a garbage can

and i remember

not believing how much liquid was coming out of my body

like this doesn’t even make

sense like this is like

what this is like a broken fire hydrant or something

it was like

the pie eating scene and

stand by me

stand by me

just a cartoonish amount of liquid that was horrible

i have photos but

they were lost dude already landed one of the fucking

grossest things i’ve seen

he would did a show in

vegas and i was hanging out with him and

somebody he was like somebody

have any jack

and someone

threw a lukewarm

fucking bottle of jack on

stage lukewarm

already pours it into a fucking big

glass takes a

straw and sucks the

whole thing down oh it was probably

it’s what’s a like

not a pint or what the fuck is it

those like flaps the

glass bucket

whatever are you sure that that was real that

wasn’t a plant it was i

cause i was like it’s

gotta be a plant no because he opened up the seal and

everything was a

it was like a

brand new bottle

wow whoa and chugged it i almost

dude i almost

threw up watching it

jack is hard

luke warned

how bad did that affect you when that arty lang

thing went down when you

tried to commit suicide

ah it was too terrible man i was really

i mean yeah do you

connect yourself like when you have friends that are

comics and you know

comics and they do they do

things and they commit suicide and shit like that like

does that how does that

freak you out

i get really really emotional

really emotional

greg geraldo was a really really good friend

mitch hedberg was a good friend i mean i was

i mean i cried for a long time when mitch died

it was fucking

awful dude i’ll

never forget that i just

it was terrible

and greg to

me greg unique

talent oh yeah

but greg i was devastated when greg died me i’ve

known i’ve known greg he was one of the

first comics i’ve ever

met so we were friends

fifteen years ago he’s my

first friend in new york

i mean yeah i mean i

party hard you know what i mean but it’s like you know

those guys were on another

level mm hmm

you know pill guys

the guys who will just grab pills and i was at a

at the comedy

store one night and a

buddy of mine

came to see me and he goes hey man you want an oxy

i get that a

lot lately yeah i was like what

are you giving me heroin

you’re gonna give me a heroin pill

what the fuck dude yeah

you know what is

going on that’s

that’s another

level of partying that pill

party yeah like there’s another

level i mean yeah i fucking

drink and ship

it’s like there’s another

a whole another dimension but

some guys man

you know it’s like you know it’s like what happened in

vegas like after like six shots

like you’re

you’re gone

gonesville you know if you took something

and then you

take something that leads to more bad judgment

and then somebody offers you something else you

throw that in the mix to

and who else wants to join the

party yeah you

know you’re just you’re already down i’m not

thinking well land you know you’re

already intoxicated

you’re fucked up you’re

drunk you’re high on something whatever it is

and it’s causing you

that’s why i get so mad when people connect pot

with any of

those other drugs

because pot does the

exact it’s so different

yeah i don’t connect

it makes you

super paranoid you don’t start

thinking you’re superman and you’ll fucking take drugs

somebody gives

you some pills like what the fuck is this he

could be trying to poison me

he might be work for the government

you know you

start thinking a million different retarded things

you don’t think

fuck it give it to me i’ll take it

what’s the last thing you

think of when

you have yeah

i mean i’ve

never took a hit of a joint and then been like

we gotta get coke it’s like

nobody ever does that pot is the anti gateway drug

it’s the exact opposite

it gets you

paranoid and makes you humble and it makes you

not wanna do all

those other drugs

cause you don’t

wanna fucking die cause

you wanna hug your mom

cause you forgot to tell your lover

you know and you

start thinking

about your friends and man i really

should be just like

more generous or something i need to be nicer

i need to be a nicer person

those are the messages of marijuana

marijuana is the

happy plant whose is the fucking

killer dude yeah

you could be totally

yeah but that’s the

blood in the toilet but

booze is responsible for a lot of fun i love you booze

you can’t hate on booze that’s another

thing it’s like people will

like on my facebook and stuff

and people i know are like try to like

intervene like

i have a problem you know people like you’re

fucking alcoholic you’re destroying yourself was like

first of all

i drink yeah i

drink every weekend yes i do

i’m not the only one at the bars

it’s not fucking an

empty room that i’m

drinking it you know what i mean like

people don’t

understand like you can go out and have fun i don’t

drink because i’m sad

i like i love

drinking i love

going out it’s like the best to

me like i fucking have a

blast so like

people don’t

understand that they like

if i had to be sober for a year i

could you know what i mean it’s not like i

would fucking

here’s the bottom line you are not

gonna live forever even if you eat fucking sprouts

everywhere literally

you’re not gonna live forever it’s not

gonna happen

and booze is fun

you know if you’re if you’re

partying with a

bunch of friends

and you do a few shots and everybody gets lifted

and you all

start laughing your fucking

asses off as long

as you with good

drunks yeah

you’re not with people that

become assholes when they get drunk

which by the way there’s a new

study that just came out

today where

they linked a gene that was my

elbow oh jesus

no i didn’t even flinch

i’m a hard man

anyway there’s a

study that came out that said that there’s

a gene that they’ve isolated that causes

violent behavior

in some men when they drink

like it’s actually a gene

oh really yeah like they

think that like you know

what dude we have friends you know we know people that

drink and just

become a totally different person right

now they’re saying like

there’s a reason for this like

there’s like certain people have certain genetics that

make them respond a certain way

right yeah i can see that

yeah so in that

sense booze is not for everybody

but nothing’s for everybody

right nothing is

for everybody

some people can’t eat peanuts

some people can

eat peanuts

some people some people are allergic to wheat

just stick to

white people some people

can’t look at fucking a dolphin

are they yeah no

i don’t know if that happens but that

might i think they fucking shit

their pants or something they shit

their pants yeah

i know this

girl that you can’t she can’t see somebody put cotton

in their mouth i can’t

touch cotton

you can’t i get really uncomfortable you have

no cotton balls oh cotton balls like just

straight cotton like it gives me like why what is that

about i don’t know it just makes me uncomfortable

really yeah whoa

so that way i can’t fucking do heroin

so are you scared of q tips though uh

cotton yeah

like cotton balls if you just like

ey really ew

right yeah wow

see i don’t

think i have anything like that

i wish i had

something like that though something really crazy yeah

something really crazy

speaking of

partying i was talking i was telling joe a

story about chris lieben

who’s a friend of mine who

fights up on new years

and this one matches

can i tell it real quick yeah please

so i did a show in hawaii in oahu

and i was a fan of lebans

and so i was like i contacted

him i’m like hey you want to come out to the show

so he’s like yes he comes out to the show

and michael’s get fucking

drunk and he’s

like now i’m like why goes because i just i

once i go there it’s just the

wheels come off and i go fuck you

i go let’s drink he’s like no

so i’m in hawaii for a week

every night i call

leave and i’m like you’re a fucking cunt let’s fucking

drink every

night he’s like no no no

finally the last

night he’s like you know what you

wanna go big and i go yeah let’s go fucking big

he’s like alright i’ll go big

literally it was like a

movie cut to even

blacked out choked

two of my friends out at dave and buster’s on the floor

foaming at the

mouth everyone’s like screaming

he got me in a fucking

chokehold like a

some leg lock around my neck i almost

started fucking crying

it was like

complete mayhem everyone was fucking terrified

and the next day

is like i fucking told you dude i was like yeah it’s my

fault wow it

just was like

and i’m not leaving out a lot of shit

cause it just like turning to armageddon

like thank god his

girlfriend was there

and she was the only person that

could fucking talk him

down it was like a werewolf yeah listen to me man when

the guy who’s a cage

fighter for a living tells you

you don’t wanna see me

drunk i know

trust him i know i’m such a fucking moron

and i was like

a little fucking mosquito i just was like

just cut to like me like terrified

oh my god dude yeah but joe and i were talking about

partying with

fighters and

stuff cause we’re i’m a big

mma fan ufc and

i party with a lot of those dudes and it just

we have the

famous mayhem

story you were there for the mayhem story yeah it’s the

first time i met him yeah we went to skybar across the

street and we walk into the skybar and

suddenly he looks over and sees this like

bed you know how they have beds there with

there’s like

eight girls all drinking wine he’s like

gets to do a body flop

so he runs and charges jumps does a body flop on it

and i just see wine

glasses flying in the air red merlot

flying on all these people and i just

grabbed joe me and joe went

around the corner and was just like what the fuck fuck

like we were like

trying to distance ourselves

and we look

around the corner and then yeah he’s getting

taken out by security well we didn’t

quite go around the corner we backed up to the bar

but we couldn’t believe what he did

he just we were joking around

about something and he had this

beat just made this big

laugh ha ha

and then he back swan dived

like backwards

into this pile of people

you know he’s fucking 200

something pounds and

he’s a big fucking

strong dude yeah

just one of

those things where he

should have thought

about it for a

second and then he

wouldn’t have done it

no he fucking

goes big i party with jay a lot he’s a buddy

that doesn’t surprise me he

fucking does you know what’s most

shocking thing

about that dude not that he’s you

know an excellent fighter

he’s a really good writer

he writes really

well like have you read his articles and he

writes for fight

magazine no

very smart guy man he’s very bright

and they’re they’re

they’re really they’re self

deprecating they’re interesting there he’s observing

he’s very very observative

is that a word


is that a word

i don’t know observatories



that’s i guess it’s a word


observational anyway

he makes great observations

he’s a really like

and he’s like

really like you know there’s a lot of dudes who write

about wild shit

but they’re not really living a wild life

he’s truly living a wild life

i mean he’s a fucking professional cage

fighter right

and a very bright guy and a good writer so his

stuff is interesting

you know it’s like here’s

a guy that’s like talking it and walking it man dude

i remember i met him out at a club one night

and he showed up with a fur coat no

shirt underneath and two

asian girls on his arms and sunglasses i was like

what the fuck are you doing

and nicest guy you ever

wanna hang out with so nice

since i was actually

cool guy i was with jay on fucking

that’s was it this weekend

it was his birthday

on the day after christmas

yeah and he goes i’m having a birthday

party and i just was like

i’m not going to that party

like i made the conscious choice i knew that it

would be like

once your pot committed to that shit dude it is the

wheels can come off

jay was like

fighting you

could tell like his

energy was just like through the roof i was like oh no

but happy birthday jay love you

he’s a wild


i love that dude

he’s a crazy dude

it’s interesting having people like that in the

world you know

you know everybody

tries to put

everybody in a neat little box you know them

try to like

you know here’s the guy that’s like

this guy and that guys like this guy and that cause

every now and then you meet someone like mayhem

and you go oh look at this


where do you put him

where’s what

boxes there for him

it doesn’t exist

but he’s super

funny too yeah very

funny man i’m trying to get him he’s doing

stand up at the improv

soon i think is

he really oh he fucking did it and didn’t call me i was

so pissed we did ari

show he did a


show he did ari

show and ari

said it was great

said he went

right great

that’s cool yeah he’s

i think he’s a very

smart guy man you do anything he sets his mind to

yeah i think he’d be a

funny stand up

he was telling

me he did told some jokes that didn’t work

i heard now he said faggot on stage

it was like

doing something i just kept saying faggot

and he’s like yeah the

crowd didn’t go with me on it i’m like yeah it’s tough

the club was in west hollywood bro

little tough you know he said he’s

gonna stop saying

that word too we had him on the podcast we talked about

not saying faggot anymore

but i mean the faggot’s a word that

i’ve a new bit in my act

about where i’d say that

faggots shouldn’t be

used to describe gay people what

should we use to describe cats

that should be the word

cats are just

such fucking faggots

that’s just bullshit i love it you know what

i mean it’s a

great word unfortunately

it’s such a fucking good word but it’s like a

word but it’s such a hot

topic you know

i mean whatever it’s

touchy about

it but it’s like

if you don’t if you don’t

point at a fucking gate and be like

you’re a faggot

that’s offensive you know what i mean

but if you’re like yeah

my car broke down my car is a fucking faggot

yeah you know what i mean like why is that offensive

the problem is it’s

funny i know it’s like

the funniest word to say in that situation

i mean it makes

you know if you like i used to have this joke

where i called my dog a faggot

oh really yeah

because it was about the

remember that pot commercial

where the dog

starts talking to the

chick and tells him oh

yeah smoke weed

and the joke i call the dog a faggot

cause that’s like the funniest

thing you could say to your dog

yeah i’m fucking faggot

like who who you talking to

stupid you’re telling me to stop smoking weed

yeah you’re a

doggy dumb cunt

yeah it’s like if you yeah

if i’m like my

shoes a cunt

yeah i’ve up my cunts through the roof

ever since i stopped saying faggot

i’ve been saying cunt like

crazy everyone’s a cunt now

and i’m kind of

enjoying it that’s a

tough one to pull off on

stage two now you

could do it it’s fine

let it go nah

i i call people content

stage all the time

there’s you know what

if really if you you’re

gonna get offended by me calling

someone a cunt or saying something’s a cunt in a in

stand up comedy

you’re not you’re

the wrong show

you’re the people

gonna live shows this

is for people

out there i mean i your fans already fucking know this

but like you can’t go to a show

and get offended

and be a fucking offender

it’s like the

stupidest fucking

thing yeah it’s there you dare to have just try to go

along just if

you’re seeing good comedy

just go along just

have a good fucking time you don’t have to agree with

everything the person is saying just have fun

just have fun and

relax and if you don’t like it leave

don’t be a cunt

dude this is a really a quick

story that just happened to me that you’ll fucking love

i do this toys for tots benefit at the fucking improv

i’m already hammered

so i show up the club and i show up late

so i walk in it’s packed you know i mean

and i shut up late i fucking go and i go on stage

and i have a joke in my act

about old people and i’m like

you know it suck to be

like ninety five years old because you can fucking die

every time you go to bed

so it’s like hard to plan your next day

because it’s like you can’t

really make plans all the time because if like your

grandsons like let’s go to the zoo it’s like okay

i’ll either go

to the zoo with you or i’ll be fucking dead

so like hopefully i’ll go to the zoo

but either you’ll

come over and i’ll be a dead body and people will

scream and cry be

awful you know what i mean

so i do this all bit

and i’m like my sets

going really good and i do that that joke

and the fucking

crowd just goes like dead silent

and i’m like what the fuck i’m like

yeah you can fucking die fucking ninety five at this

whole bit and i’m like yeah and the

crowds getting more and more

comfortable and i people like groaning and i’m like

what the fuck is a joke always works

and i get off

stage and was like really uncomfortable

and it turned out it was a 95 year old

woman’s birthday

party a friend of bud freeman’s

and they went on

stage at the beginning of the show

which i didn’t see

and made a huge announcement saying

happy birthday to her

oh my god the

whole crowd just thought i was like some psycho asshole

i was just like you can die any fucking day

if you’re 95 when

you go to bed like it was so uncomfortable i love how

you’re saying that with your fist up to your face the

microphone fist

yeah that is the offensive

microphone fist if you’re saying something really

crazy listen

you whore you

have your fist in a certain position tilting the gun

sideways exactly it’s gangster

dude bod came over to me and was like oh my

god i don’t know if you know this it was

someone’s 95th birthday

in case you’re wondering why that joke didn’t work

i felt so bad i go she

bummed out and he goes no she couldn’t hear anything

she can’t hear so i was like oh thank god

everybody else was bummed out

the crowd was just it was so uncomfortable

and i felt awful because i’m not

insensitive like that

of course not

that’s terrible i’ve done

there’s a joke that i do and

every time i get to it like i see like

i’m always like

about to say it

and i’ll see a fat girl in the audience

and then i won’t pull the trigger

i stop saying i like i don’t

wanna be mean i used to have this joke

about chicks

like people

would see like a really overweight

chick and a little slutty outfit

and like girls

were always say this like what the fuck is she

thinking and i

would go i’ll tell you exactly what she’s

thinking it

might not be the best ride

but there’s no line

and i would be

right about to do that bit all the time

and i would

look in the audience and see a poor fat girl

who’s having a good time

she got her fingers folded up in her chubby lap

and she’s laughing her ass off

and i don’t

wanna crush her emotions so i just

dance over the bit for one person i’ll just say

sorry yeah that’s good

but every now and then man there’ll

be a joke and i’ll say it and then i’ll turn and like

oh here’s an example of my joke shit

now i feel bad

again i saw that recently at a jim jeffrey show

and i just i was just like

i was sitting on the side of the

stage just staring right in

front of me with a fat chick

you just hear just during the

whole bit and

like just like

sitting there like looking down the ground or hands

like this like

almost in tears dude

really obese people are so sensitive because there’s

so many people fucking

staring at them all the time they look like freaks

that’s gotta be

so painful when someone’s

shitting on fat people and everyone around you is

laughing and

there you are i feel bad i

would go home and

eat but yeah

probably right dude

i don’t do my

joke with old

people anymore if i ever see an old couple in the crowd

they look like 70s or 80s i won’t even do it just

cause i fucking feel bad

it’s a terrible feeling man

my parents are in the 60s they don’t like talking

about death

you don’t even like to mention your

fucking parents in your 60s yeah holy shit

your parents are

young dude yeah

well my mom was really

young when she had me and

my stepfather was younger than my mom my mom was like i

think she was like

close to 30 when she met my stepfather and he was

twenty four something like that

so wow yeah so they’re very young

and they don’t like talking about that

ninety year old people they

don’t want to hear none of that shit they want to hear

dead people jokes they did not missy

sure missy sure used

to always get mad at me

at the comedy

store because i

would do that joke

about jay howard marshall

jay howard marshall is the old man that

married anna cole

smith that billionaire

oh yeah i always do this joke

about him just doing all sorts of

nasty shit to her before he dies

wouldn’t come it was

i don’t even remember how to joke i don’t even

remember how the bit goes

but i do remember that i

would get off

stage admits we go i hate that joke

stop doing that

joke i’m like

mittsy it’s

funny i think they took

meemaws my closer okay it was

crusher it was a

crusher of a bit that i couldn’t even follow

i couldn’t follow it

after closing that bit

and she was like i don’t like it stop doing it it’s not

funny stop doing your fucking huge closer that’s a

great well you know it’s

about old people and she’s you know she

can’t know long in

those years

but it’s like not comfortable for her you talk

about old people like

some people get mad at me when i do that and i’m like

i’m gonna fucking get old hopefully

i mean i might not i probably

right but when you

could but i feel like i can’t

avoid it you know what i mean so it’s like

essentially i’m talking

about myself because

we’re all gonna forget we all get old

right it’s not like i took some fucking potion

and now i’m

a cocky live forever guy

right who’s like haha

yeah that is a trick

it’s like why

can’t you make fun of that because it really is a

valid subject

i mean stan

is very funny stan

was genius he used to do shit like that

well he would go

after old people and he like he

would do jokes

about like fucking succulent

you know getting blowjob

and the crowd

be getting comfortable to be old people in the crowd

and i remember doug

would be like

you fucking

asshole fucking crowd

you guys are

think you’re so

fucking better this guy’s fucking how old are you sir

be like eighty one like

this guy was fucking getting his dick sucked

before you guys were fucking born he’s like you

think you guys invented the blowjob

because fuck you

fuck this crowd

this guy’s afraid

he would just go off dude the

crowd just like oh my god it was like awesome

that’s funny

yeah it’s it’s a

touchy subject for people

the getting old subjects real touchy man

people don’t

wanna you know well they forget face

it old people like

just makes people uncomfortable you know

start shitting on old people and they’re like

something you can even change at

least you’re fat you can lose weight

you’re old you’re fucked

i stopped doing

comedy for five years when the day bob hope

went on stage and did that bob hope joke

and it was like a year or two

after 9 11 tell the joke

cause it’s a good one our

troops were like

going you know being sent to iraq and stuff

bob hope died and i thought it was like an open mic

and i’m like oh i’m

going to really

do this new bob hope joke and

i come out on

stage and it was just all old people because i had the

funny bone in

columbus ohio they gave tickets out to like

senior citizens and

stuff like that

and so i went out and i’m

like do i do this joke i’m like yeah i have to you know

it was like

hey did you guys hear bob hope died and they’re like oh

and everyone’s just like oh

you know like sad and making sad

noises i’m like yeah

heard they flew out of his body

to entertain all the dead troops

and they just

started hissing and

like booing and i didn’t do comedy for five years

dude that’s a

very good joke

i’m sorry that’s a good joke that is insanity

that is a good joke dude

did you open with it no

it was like my

third joke in or fourth joke someone

jesus and then

i just stopped

that over yeah i just stopped

have you ever

watched bob hope do

stand up comedy

i don’t think i have actually was he on premium blend

no he was on half hour comedy

hour half that was goth though he

did comic cabana that was goth

that old kind of comedy that old like bob hope

style comedy that’s a fascinating thing to watch

that’s like if you ever wanted to see like

evolution you wanna see you

wanna see fish that eventually walk on land

watch some bob hope comedy from like 1950

i met him when i was

eight years old he

came up to me and signed

an autograph for me at a

and then he wrote that joke yeah

he’s like tell it

it was crazy get boot off stage

about me and

twenty years from now

it was awesome it was this big

crowd of people when i was just a little kid and then

he just walked by and looked at me and was like went

right to me signed

it and he said something to me and then walked off do

you do you uh

what the fuck is i gonna say

nick schwartz

is the only person here not high

by the way hangover is worse than high

no oh did you know who he was or no

yeah cause i think

when you grew up with like

four channels on the tv he always had

those marathons

or something like that well he always did the uso

thing right yeah

they had such

amazing yeah

i used to actually like him

i remember liking him like remembering him from tv

let’s okay cause i don’t

remember any of his comedy this is why i’m saying this

i’m saying you know what i do remember is i remember

watching a long time ago and

going wow this is like a window into a different era

like the way people clapped was different the

studio audience look different the comedy was different

the way the announcer

would introduce him was different

pull up some some of his shit pull up some

bob hope stand up

you know it’s

crazy every time i

drive home from here i exit off of bob hope

drive oh shit

dude now stalkers are

gonna know where you live

how about that that’s there

burping they’re gonna know

girls hope you

gonna get some girl stalkers

fuck what time is it football game dude

your mother’s cunt

what correct

what time is

a football game i don’t i don’t follow football

yes again that’s

right football is boring my team plays tonight

you know they’re

gonna institute

sensors in in helmets

you hear that oh why

cause all this shit that’s leaking yeah no they’re

gonna find out like what the fuck’s

gonna happen when they

blast each other in the head oh no

sensors how much are

gonna censor

their helmets no no no

how that why what are they saying oh dude you can

catch some fucking hilarious shit

really slip through yeah it’s awesome

like what they

swear everything oh yeah dude so you watch

every once in a

while you can

catch like a fan will pick up some shit

some receiver

dropped like an n bomb the

other day really yeah

black guy or white guy

no black dude

did you see that it was michael richards

he just got

drafted by the bengals the

coach from the 49ers at that last game

you know i think he just got

fired or something he’s got

fired he was

yelling at one of the players or the

quarterback was like i’m

sorry i can’t do any better

i’m just human

or something like that was fucked up player

who’s yelling at

the player yeah

they got a huge fight

mike singletary

did he used to play

for the bears he was a defensive player for the bears

he was sick

and he was the one that was in

the super bowl

shovel sick

sick good or sick aids he was sick

good you can’t burp aids and then

leave me in the dark like that

sorry about that

um no he was awesome was he the super bowl

shuffle team

wasn’t he one of

those guys he

might have been yeah

that’s what

came into prominence

more after i

think more after that and so just a crazy

coach and he just yells and he

was the coach

coach 49ers

and they were just there fucking 49ers are a mess

there’s fucking

any at a press conference and

literally he wears a huge wooden

cross around his neck

every game huge

it looks like how big

it’s like six inches

bro no it’s like fucking oh my god

like twenty

it looks huge really

yeah i mean it

could be like

a crucifix for like a fucking cat or something

you could fuck you know what i mean it’s big

damn and so he got

fired and then he said him and his wife

are gonna take a step back and pray

about it and see what they’re

gonna do next nice

it’s like what it’s always a good move

here’s some bob hope

give me some bob hope

thank you very much

i wish she’d get steady work

that’s my joke no it’s nice to see her i haven’t

i haven’t been

traveling too much lately

and i’ve gotten to know some of the family personally

it’s nice to

be here dean and i wanted to tell you that i’m

happy that nbc’s the bob hoper

rose for another year

don’t you love the way dean reads cue cards if he

doesn’t like the joke he breathes on it and erases it

it was nice of flip to show is that all of them

i’ve never seen him before without high heels is that

it well thank you flip no i really miss flip

series but he has to face the facts

he’s good but he’s no sunny bono

don’t get it

i guess that was a diss on sunny bono

and i do want to

thank governor reagan

for his kind

words incidentally the governor has no presidential


in fact he just made a tour of forty

three states

just to tell him he’s not running for anything

and milton burrows here

milton’s the first comic to ever be impeached

johnny banks the greatest catcher of all time

you ever see him behind the plate

he wears more padding than phyllis diller

he looks pissed i like john

i really do he doesn’t care about baseball he just

stands in the hall out here

watching the chicks and smiling

of course you’d

smile too if you spent all your afternoons on grass

oh marijuana that was a grass

marijuana the girl who inspired that great movie psycho


well she looks

since she had that operation it’s a miracle

it was over a year ago and the stitches on the

right are still holding

and wasn’t john wayne wonderful

in his next sequel

to true grit john is really giving us a thrill

topical he’s wearing the patch over his mouth

and sugar ray

is one of my great great favorites everyone knows

about the great job you’re doing

sugar with your youth

foundation football baseball boxing basketball

you taught those kids how to bet on all of them

that sugar ray

robinson son oh my god that’s old school

sugar ray the

last time i

worked with ginger was on a christmas trip to alaska

she not only

stole the show but she replaced two electric blankets

what a crazy dance by radio television in heaven

general jimmy stewart here as usual

jimmy’s a man of few words and even fewer laughs

jimmy had me over to his

house last week and what a thrilling evening he showed

slides of his last trip to fresno

and it’s nice to see zhazha now that she’s free again

oh i’m sorry i should have said divorced

she’s never been free

tonight ladies

and gentlemen

by general bradley’s presence here this evening

you talk about

great generals

on june 11 1944 he was parachuted

behind enemy lines

and under cover of night

snuck into the

heart of berlin

and single handedly captured marlena

dietrich’s garter belt

and nipsey you were really up there tonight

you keep it

up and you’ll be pumping gas for chico and the man

and don rickles got some news

today he was made poster boy for tiny bowl

i just can’t

figure out why you’re doing commercials for

right guard you

should be on for raid

closing ladies and gentlemen it’s been a

great night you

know somebody once said you can measure a man by the

caliber of his enemies

and i flatter myself to believe it

might also apply to the friends who come to

roast them if i am

right in that assumption

and it is rare that i am not

then i thank all of you

giants of our business for the size your affectionate

malice lends to me thank you very much

that was pretty fucking good

yeah it’s good dude

did i got interesting

please do sorry

don’t apologize

you were you’re here for an hour and

thirty minutes of goddamn hilarity that was

thank you for it

was very fun i’ll come

back anytime anytime you want to come man please do

all right well

we’re not gonna end the podcast

right now so what we’ll do

is we’ll stop and then we’ll come back with just me and

brian and we’ll

close this bitch out

but right now

nick swartzen

is all up out of here

and you are not on twitter correct

i’m not on twitter but i have a facebook fan page and i

and how do you get to that what is the address of it

um it’s just put in nick

swartz into

picture me with sunglasses on and a mustache

it’s definitely you yeah

okay you sure i update all time you can

read okay you update it all the

time but why won’t you twitter then what’s the matter

i don’t know i’ll

figure twitter out the fuck bro god damn it god damn it

all right do it

we’re gonna get them on twitter we’ll get

them on just like we got bill burr on sort of amazingly

made like three twitter post ever

we got a monitor

fucking burr

i got six dude you were awesome

thank you very much

nick swartz and dot com

is that what it

what’s your website

yeah next words and dot com

they want to get the whole you

facebook facebook

family we will be

right back next

gonna leave we’ll be right back

sun’s going down

the moon is a glow

find a nice lady pull back the sheets

light a candle and let her suck along my tits

grab some buddies get drunk and shoot ski

then black out and let him suck a lot my teeth

be careful

suck it suck it deep t t

t sucky on my teeth now sucky on my feet

feed them their teeth feed them their teeth

jp fake jp fake j fake better taste

sober up go back to the bar

see a beautiful lady

excuse me what is that just like sushi

like what do you think she’s like fuck you

i’m like having a proposition for you suck what is it

when you come back to my place deck and just

suck on my

teeth sucker

sucker sucker sucker

that’s man milk baby it’ll help you sleep

nick swanson

bad motherfucker

you know one of the coolest

things about this business about

about being in the

stand up comedy

business is all the fun fucking people you meet

you know yeah nick being one of them yeah

such a fucking good dude

we think about just this podcast all the

cool people that we’ve hung out with on this podcast

you know hephron and

johnny pemberton i

would have never known

about him if it wasn’t for the podcast

right you know

freddy lockhart

and you know teeb and

so many fucking cool people we’re so fortunate man so

that’s one of

the big problems that a lot of people facing

their life is that there there’s not enough cool people

to hang out with

they’re just always around douchebags are always around

negative energy and it’s so hard to have a good time

we’re so fucking

lucky man yeah it’s usually like

i mean back in ohio and

stuff like that most of your friends

came from where you worked

and so like you were like i

would work at

a lot of restaurants so all my friends were like

other waiters and just people that needed a job and

go through so many friends so fast it was more like

you’re dating

friends you know i know you

would like hang out with them and shit and go out with

after work and then some

weird shit would go down

where you realize one guy couldn’t drink

right fucking

crazy or something bad happens if

they steal the vcr from you

or something

yeah you see people who are banging each

other it’s always

people working together waitresses and waiters are

always trying to see who’s

gonna hook up and

yeah it’s hilarious you know

so many people man

they’re in unfortunate

situations where they can’t find enough cool people

that’s tricky

absolutely we got to

start a call

brian thinking

about this lately

and what kind of cult do you want

to reprogram people

isolation tanks

eating pot brownies

everybody watching good documentaries everybody getting

their shit together martial arts yoga

eat healthy

clean your fucking brain out of bullshit

we’re gonna fix this world

brian keep mouthwashing your car yes

hand sanitizer you get pulled over don’t hand

sanitizer your hands and your face don’t

smoke weed in your car stupid

you know no smoking in the car

that was like a big joke with joey diaz

cause joey diaz always want to smoke weed in the car

yeah like dude we’re gonna get pulled over we’re in

texas in the car

inks like weed

and it’s california weed and they can

smell the difference it’s

crazy how you forget that like in ohio that was a

scary thing driving with weed or buying weed

and stuff i remember always being

a paranoia don’t

do it you can go to jail yeah now i go to

back home ohio and i’m just like hey here’s some weed

you have to join here

don’t do that man they’ll lock you up

they locked up willie nelson bro yeah

stop and think

about that that’s

ridiculous yeah it’s

weird when you

watch cops too like i was

watching cops the

other day and

it was police cops of

texas or whatever that show is called like female

dallas female cop

so it’s a show it’s

like cops but with

these dallas female girls it’s like

real housewives

of atlanta mixed with cops

but anyways it’s real though supposedly

and they were shaking down somebody

for having a little

bit of weed

do you understand you are driving with marijuana sir

200 like making it seem like it was this insane

drug you know and i was just wait a

second this is just weed

he had a little bit of weed

you know that’s

weird to me that

you know in most states

that’s how they

treat weed that’s how you’re yelled upon

from the police officers and

stuff and out here well

we not always out

here man there’s some dopey cops out here too i mean

most cops are really cool but there’s there’s a few

it’s like everybody else you know one douchebag

cop makes everybody

think cops are douchebags

cops aren’t all douchebags most cops that i know

from i know him from

jiu jitsu and i know him from martial arts they’re

fucking nice guys man because the most that i know

it’s just a job man

they’re trying to do the best they can at this fucking

crazy job but

every now and then

you run into a twat

and my friend

got pulled over

what happened was he

was in his car and

somehow or another someone saw like like

he like he had

a joint in his hand or something and the cop

like he didn’t realize there was cops there and the cop

flashed him

and he was just putting it back into his car

and the cops said you know you know and

why do you have marijuana when you’re

operating a car and he’s like i’m not even smoking

it before i get in the car and they handcuffed him

the chick was yelling at him

well he turns out he was a medical marijuana patient

so it was really like his little

medicine i mean if you want to

pay attention to

state laws which the cops are supposed to do

right but this

chick was berating him and yelling at him

and i’m like this is so

gross because i was

watching it because it was

right outside of jujutsu class

was when we were at the old legends and we would

leave there was like this

alleyway and you

would go down the

alleyway everybody

would walk towards

where the cars were parked

and there was a cop car there and i

guess this kid didn’t see the cop car

but it was like listen is the way this

woman was talking

to him as if he had done something to her you know

you don’t know what the law is

apparently you don’t know what the law is

do you read what it says on this

piece of paper says do not operate

heavy machinery

and she’s like in his face and shit and he’s handcuffed

and it was so gross

i was like what are you talking

about first of all the guy’s not high he

just told you he’s getting he just got out of the gym

okay so he’s got a joint in his hand

like what are you doing

like what exactly

and by the way

you can drive high

there’s been

a lot of studies on it i don’t recommend it

i don’t think it’s for everybody

because a lot of people get fucking paranoid as

shit when they’re driving

or when they’re

stoned rather

and they can’t concentrate

on anything and they see in

tunnel vision and they’ll miss peripheral

shit i mean

maybe not the best

thing for everybody but

it’s not like driving

drunk you know

drunk is completely

awful i mean sometimes when you think

about how horrible like

i’m the worst

once in a while i’ll let myself slip

where it gets to a point

where i do a shot i shouldn’t have done or i had an

extra drink that i shouldn’t

have and i’ll

catch myself

going man why

why am i you know

i have to drive now what the fuck

don’t do it

usually i try to find food

like on the way like you

know stop somewhere to eat

there’s been

those times you know

where you’re just like man i’m just

gonna drive home i try this and

then the next day you’re like why the fuck did i do

drive yourself to a diner don’t

eat that’s what i usually do take a cab to a diner

go fuel up i’m not saying it’s

often i’m saying it’s very very rare but

scary shit man

cause people who kill people in

drunk driving accidents and people

who get away with it are really doing the same thing

right just one person fucks up

and you know happens to be in the wrong

place at the

wrong time and the

other person just gets

lucky and doesn’t hit anything on the way home

but a lot of that is just

just dumb luck man

scary shit man the idea that you can get that anywhere

i mean you can go to cvs and

drink enough alcohol to die that’s

crazy that it’s so

crazy man cvs even sells

beer and it’s like has the best deals on beer they sell

whiskey some

liquor and beer at cvs it seems like

cvs is supposed to help you yeah

and it makes no

sense that i

never would have thought that that’s

crazy that the pharmacy

yeah yeah it’s supposed to be like a hospital almost

you know with gum

right if you want anything that’s

gonna make you feel better if you’re sick

right dude i got some theraphilith theraflu

when i went to montreal

i got the flu when i came back i was i was fucking

wrecked for like

a full two days i was wrecked

where i was like

cold sweats

and shivers

like i was freezing i was

sweating like my

whole body was

sweating and i was shaking

and i was freezing and i was wearing

clothes to bed i was wearing

pants and jackets and hoods

terrible feeling

right terrible feeling

i drank some

theraflu boom

knocked it out of the park i mean

knocked it out of the park no chills

slept like a

baby really i don’t know how much of it is a

theraflu and how much of it is my immune

system i eat really healthy my immune

system bounces back pretty quick

i don’t know if that’s it

but i think it’s the theraflu

i think the

theraflu just kind of masked

the feeling

and it’s the

same shit in there that you make meth out of

yep you can make meth out of theraflu

dude i know

mrs rogan had a sign for it

when she went and bought it for me

you have to show your id

really if dashash

buy only three

boxes of theraflu

you gotta show

your id and sign for that shit i didn’t know that

but it’s dope

theraflu is the shit i like that

shit i don’t even know what it is and there’s no way i

could even pronounce it but

it’s from like

germany or something

like that it’s like a really long name like petrol oh

yeah you know what you’re talking

about and it’s like you take ten of

these boy ron

it’s acillial

sub in the yeah

and it’s like little

you know like

cash sugar beads

feels like i

think it might be bullshit

i did it once it worked it seemed like it

but again but then

again you don’t know is

it working or is it

already sent me something the other day

that said that

some insane amount of people

that they give

that they give placebos to

the placebo effect

works even if you

know it’s a placebo

apparently really i don’t

understand how that works

but what ari

said was that they told people that they were

gonna give them a placebo

and even just telling them that they were

gonna give them a placebo

made them heal up

quicker than

people that they didn’t tell well it’s part

cause they didn’t know what

placebo means that it

sounds like

something like skin cell

man they gave him some

placebo man

that that shit’s

or legit you know

maybe they just didn’t

know what it was i don’t know what they’re saying is

well everyone is

aware of the placebo effect in medicine

where a person believes in

sugar pills he’s

taken is a real

medicine and sees improvement in symptoms

is it possible to experience the placebo

effect even if you know the

medicine isn’t real according to one new study

and close one i don’t know what that means

the answer is yes so it’s interesting eighty

p eighty people they did it with

and it showed more people got better with the perceiver

the fuck knows

it’s a weird

thing man that your brains got this

ability to heal itself that you can’t really tap into

but if it thinks that you’re getting some

medicine then it just fixes it

right what the fuck is that

about it’s like

your belief is so fucking

strong it’s so important to believe in things man

so important

in a weird way

that doesn’t make any sense

you know there’s

there’s like a zone when you believe in

things and you’re you’re

really like you’re you’re you’re confident and you’re

tuned into him

there’s a weird

power to that

and you know you

experience that man

experience that in

video games

and experiencing that when you’re playing pool

you experience

i don’t experience that in pool

but just because you don’t get that good at it

when you get really good at pool

you experience

the zones where you believe in yourself

and the ball just you believe everything

everything goes well

but if you if you have

um a negative thought at all like you

could be aiming at the ball the perfect way you could

queue up you know your you got a good bridge your your

relaxing the way you’re gripping it

everything you

strokes in line but if

right before you

shoot it you

start thinking i hope i don’t miss this

you’ll miss it like

eight times out of ten

you know sometimes it’ll

bobble its way

in but you really were supposed to miss it

you know it’s it’s a weird

thing man it’s like when you believe

it goes in it’s so strange

you know it

doesn’t work if you don’t know how to play

but once you

learn how to play

it’s like one of the most important

things is that

not have a negative thought before you pull the

trigger before you shoot

they say that’s the same

thing with archery as well

you know that you have

to kind of like have this belief in what you’re doing

and if you don’t even if you’re doing

everything the

right way if you don’t believe it’s

gonna hit it won’t hit

do they still do archery and like elementary

school i don’t

think they try

these kids were posing

arrows isn’t that

weird i was

thinking that the

other day i was like no i remember in elementary

school like

fifth grade

having arrows and bows and we had like these

like courses

that you go through and try to kind of like you

know a shooting

range where you’d walk

through and just do archery

everywhere i remember

thinking like one time i

shot it straight up in the air i remember

how dumb that was because i didn’t really

think it out

my friends got famous

dude that shit

super dangerous yeah

when i was 12 i was in the boy scouts

and i went on a camp

i went to like a camp for two weeks

then we were

shooting guns man

we were shooting guns and you

would hear ricochets

like we were i was in the archery course and

this is one of the reasons why i decided to just quit

everything and go fishing

the whole time i was there all i did was go fishing

every day i quit everything

i was like fuck you

crazy assholes

because we were all

shooting archery and i heard

i was like what the fuck is that

and then someone one of the kids goes that’s a ricochet

what do you mean i

ricochet someone just

shot and it probably hit a rock or something

get the fuck

out of here man we almost just got hit by a bullet

okay what is

going on here

and it was only a 22

so if it did hit you in a

ricochet it probably just

but it could hit your eye

you could get fucked up

so i was like

these crazy assholes i’m just

gonna go fishing

every day so i

avoided all the

activities i didn’t

do anything i just went fishing

we would all get in line like

everybody get in line i just disappear into the woods

somebody could easily raped and killed me man

it’s like no one was

watching us

for two weeks i was

alone in the woods of new hampshire

no one was watching anybody

these fucking counselors

who knows what kind of creepy shit they were into right

they always

had a few boys that they really liked the most

they hung out with them

and then everybody else

was just kind of like free like little wild animals

little 12 year olds with no cell

phones there’s not even a

phone out there

period my parents had no way to contact me

and you’re out there

alone in the woods

with a bunch of fucking

street kids

they’re all kids from jamaica

plane which is like this really shitty area of boston

and so they were all like

fucking doing deviant shit the middle of the night like

taking kids out to the woods and

tying them to

their bed and leaving them in the woods and

covering them with

toothpaste while they’re

sleeping it was

like it was fucking creepy it was like being in like

like a juvenile detention center in the woods

there was a

weird google that i did the

other day that i was

googling to see what time

kmart was open to and somehow i ended up

on this website about this

kmart that’s by my

house that a suspect

tried to murder

two police officers and shot two police officers

at kmart in burbank

which is like

who has violence there

but so anyways

what’s weird

i was so stoned i decided just

cause that was back in july and i

started to try to read up

and if you go online and read about this

just google

kmart shooting murder or police officer or whatever

it starts off

saying how this guy was like shoplifting and then

some security guards

were there trying to hold this guy down and then he

pulls out the office

grabs the officer’s gun

while being handcuffed or something like that

but anyways what’s weird

about this is

there’s message

boards where the wife of this guy

is saying this is all bullshit this is

my husband’s

none of this happened or something

weird i can’t remember what it was but i was really big

but he has two kids

but have you noticed this

story never

like there’s no news

about it like he was supposed to go to

trial and stuff and now there’s like this guy

just got vanished from like the news and from public

records and

stuff like well did you research it

i researched it for

about 10 15 minutes on google which

was you know

what does that mean

you type in there’s

no story it

doesn’t mean the guy vanish yeah

but its system is

bogged down

so many other cases if you’re that

bored just start doing a little digging on this guy and

start going to some of

these message

boards that come up on google and it’s kind of

weird because

like the wife is involved with all

these message

boards and stuff really

it’s kind of crazy

yeah that is kind of

crazy here’s another

crazy thing

did you hear

about this guy

who got busted for hacking into his wife’s email

apparently this dude

is married to his

chick and she’s only thirty

three and she’s been

married three times already

so you know this

bitch is crazy

right right and

apparently she was taking

their daughter

over to her ex husband’s

house so she was

banging her

second husband

and taking his

daughter over to her

second husband’s

house and the

second husband used to beat the shit out of her

apparently so this guy’s

freaking out

his daughter

might be in danger

this guy beats the shit out of his wife

so he hacks into her

email to find out all this information

what does that mean i don’t know i think

somehow or another he got her password

that’s hacking into it i mean it

might have been as simple as she left the shit on

you know and

on you know her google

password we

just let the monitor on

yeah who knows

what the fuck what the fuck really happened

right hacking

but anyway she gets into this and finds out

or he gets into this rather and finds out that she’s

cheating so he

tries to get her

you know tries to get

child support

tries to get

custody rather

and she sues him for

attacking or hacking into her

email and this

motherfucker is

going to jail

wow yeah he’s like he’s

going to jail for some violation of some sort of a law

i don’t know exactly what the law is but it

has to be the gayest

sounding law ever it’s like it’s

megan’s law i don’t

understand what the law yeah

i don’t i mean what is the law

i don’t know

i mean if someone’s

emails there and you know if you find out

their password

you know and you find

out that they’re doing some shit that’s not cool yeah

especially when like

what is this like what’s this hacking part because

that’s retarded if your

girlfriend uses

your laptop and she stays logged in and then you just

turn on your computer and go hey

her email’s

right there yeah

apparently is that

considered hacking

yeah right apparently

the prosecutors relied on

a michigan statute

that was previously used to prosecute

people who committed

identity theft or they

stole trade secrets

what is that like typewriter

ribbon you know like

no no no identity theft

online you know

the law was created to stop

identity theft online

right and so when they did that

you know they

entered into

this case they used that law

but that’s like disingenuous

cause that’s not what’s

going on this is a

married couple

this isn’t someone

stealing someone’s

identity this is

you know they’re

shitty it seems like that

would be a law that is like oh you’re

married well sorry

you’re allowed to own this person if you really want to

how is reading an

email different

from reading a letter that’s left around

right or a text message

right like if you find a box of letters on

your wife’s bed and she’s

you know going to

visit some guy

at prison and sucking his dick and i like you like wow

abraham lincoln have to deal with this shit

you know and

especially like call it

identity theft

you can’t call it

identity theft if someone finds your diary

maybe that’s why people

wrote it in cursive so it’s

kind of like you know to confuse people and like hide

it he’s like i don’t want you to read my letters i’m

gonna make it hard for you to read

no brian they

wrote it in cursive because it’s easier to

write cursive than it is to make each

individual letter see as they flow together

at the same

time i went

ahead did that open mic the

other day and

had to read the list of comics

to come up and

a few of them

still used cursive and it just

boggled my mind of like wait you’re a straight male

right why don’t you just

write some shit in aramaic

just put a bunch of

penises and draw your picture

yeah what is up with cursive

i don’t even

change my caps i use all

i use all uppercase

upper and lowercase what am i doing if i’m writing you

something if i need to be

expressive in

something that i

write you know it’s not

gonna be a little letter

i mean i’m writing

something down if i’m writing something down

99 9 of the time it’s either for me or

i’m filling out a custom

swarm because

i’m landing in canada or something like that

i just use all

capitals you know what the fuck i’m saying

we should mention

that our podcast was picked in the top 10 of itunes

itunes chose like

top 10 audio podcast for

2010 and we’re in there

you know we

gotta figure out something to do with this that’s

profitable brian

you gotta figure out how to make

money with this podcast this

is ridiculous

right we gotta figure we

gotta figure out how to turn this into some sort of a

television show

well you know like companies like the c2o

water yeah c2o

water sent us a

bunch of water

free coconut

water thank you very much

and apparently

the other company yeah amy and

brian just contact me the other day

and they were like oh we want to send you some and

so now there

might be a coconut

water battle

are we should have like a

taste test live and like

both awesome

yeah they’re

both awesome i buy both of them all the time coconut

water so good for you man it’s

it tastes so good too

it’s like it’s not too

sweet it’s not

you don’t feel like you’re

drinking soda

it feels super healthy

it’s naturally isotonic it’s

naturally good at rehydrating you i have a coconut

water question

i’ve been buying

these other kinds like zinko

that they have at the grocery

store it’s like a milk carton

right coconut

water right

and the other day i passed out with it in bed

and then the next day

i looked at him like

i’d probably just

throw it in the refrigerator has the word

water in it

is that something that

you can leave out

cause it’s not like a milk

it’s like a

water well i assume

that it could go bad because

ants find it

well i mean if

it’s sealed all the time and they go

crazy oh it’s sealed and we don’t have

ants you have

ants in your house

i’ve never seen an ant at my

house ever really yeah

well it’s cause the

roaches eat them all

i live in the woods man i got rats ants

deer i have deer in my yard all the time your

ants here though are like documentary style ants

though that you have like

gay parade ants

yeah well no mile march

this house is surrounded by land you know

and there’s not a lot of shit out there for them

to eat and so when they find that they can get inside

and get to the

motherload in the garbage bill you know

it’s either

garbage pail or a

plate that’s left around

these motherfuckers one

scout will find it

that would be cool if

ants had like really big

ants like it

would be like a

bunch of ants and then like a huge like

you know boss battle ant that

would like walk with the

ants are so terrifying man i was

watching this documentary on

the harpy eagle somebody put it up on online

you see that that

monkey eating eagle

dude if you

haven’t seen this you

gotta look it you

gotta look it up online

if you can’t find it at all is on my twitter

from probably from yesterday you’ll find it just i

tweet a lot unfortunately

that one was late

too i remember

when you posted it at four in the morning i was

watching yeah yeah my

friend that was with him was like that joe is

watching documentaries on my

animals at 4 30am

dude all i do this is what i do

i stay up i read with my

daughter when she goes to bed she goes to bed at

like you know whatever so when she goes to bed i read

her little stories and then i

start writing so once everybody’s asleep

because mrs rogan’s

asleep everyone’s asleep then there’s no there’s no

noise the dogs are fed the dogs are inside sleeping

then i can write

so i write from like

usually from like 10pm is when i really get cracking

till like two in the morning i

start getting

tired right

you know so i bang out two

hours you know four hours

and then just chill out

that midnight shit’s

great i just need it seems like i

the only problem is is that i find myself

going to the same

seven websites ten websites over and over and

over and over

again you gotta be careful

about that you

gotta be careful

if you’re gonna write

that’s why i love that program i’ve talked

about on the show before

right room right room it’s the best because it doesn’t

allow you to access the message

you don’t get to look at the

browser you know

look at the

status bar you don’t look down at your task bar

where all your

programs are you don’t

start fucking around and see what kind of

movies do i have on this

hard drive oh this is a cool documentary i

haven’t seen this before

and then you’ll

just distract yourself with something you gotta

force yourself to just write

and once i do i love it

such a weird

thing about that

about getting work done like that

like once when i write

like when i

get something really that done that i that i really

enjoy that i

wrote i feel so satisfied it feels like so like

i’m like i feel

energized i feel like i’m positive i feel good

but it’s so hard to just

commit to to working hard

it is right

it’s hard to commit

to sitting down and working

when there’s so many distractions there’s so many

things you could do

what the worst is

especially like

video editing

is that you’ll get to parts

where it’s like you know

rendering it’ll say something like 30 minutes you know

so you have to sit there for 30 minutes and

you’re not going to just sit there and stare at the 30

minute sign you’re gonna look

on the internet or

what is and then you get

trapped in that what is like the baddest

motherfucker rendering computer available is it like

some sort of a

crazy pc with like multiple

processors but

they all use

pretty much they all use the same

chips honestly

like if you went balls

crazy you’d want to get

in my opinion this is what i would do

is get one of the

towers from mac

and get the

they have like

you know the quadruple process or whatever it is

and they have it now you can have like 32 gigs of ram

and but the biggest

thing the thing that i

think would help the most

is getting an

ssd card hard drive

for your operating

system for your programs for

everything because

it that’s the biggest

thing that i’ve noticed with crashing

and just time consuming is the right

read write on the hard

drives and how slow regular hard

drives is compared

to compared to the

ssd hard drive

ssd what brian’s talking about

solid state hard

drives which is

basically very similar to when you get a

flash drive like a usb

drive you stick it in and you just

record that’s like a little mini hard

drive right

and the little ones now are way bigger than the

first hard drives that i had totally i mean i got a 32

gigabyte one it’s a little tiny

thing it sticks in as 32 gigs right

my first hard

drive was only four gigs yeah if i

could do like that’s the

thing i have the

problem the biggest problem with mine is just the hard

drive how much hard

drive space

in how fast the rendering is and that’s the

thing you need to battle is rendering yeah

and so it’s

quicker to access off a

solid state

drive as well oh yeah so

what you want though is you

want your applications running on it and you want like

have enough room to have what projects and

videos you’re running off you want to run all off you

understand the

technology behind

solid state as opposed to regular hard

drives do you know

which one well there’s no there’s there’s no

you know moving parts at all it’s how they do it

then what’s

going on there

i don’t know

that’s the problem in

magic yeah man i mean that’s

super dragon tears and

super crazy

magic this one is totally

silent this one

is solid state

hard drive one

it’s so silent and

everything pulls up instantly it’s amazing

you know the read times as far as

my old hard

drive used to have to boot up and you

would hear like this little spin

going on and then

the program

would run like

my really old i have an old old macbook

really old it’s fat like a fucking when you

close it it’s like an old book

right and you pop that

bitch open and when you turn on you hear things

spinning and

clicking and

chunking and

sucks that’s what this laptop does

and the little

old goofy looking

you know like ancient cartoon looking apple

logo pops up yeah

yeah so the the the biggest one that

apple offers is a 12 core

12 core see that’s hard

processors that’s retarded i wonder if you can

if you select it

i wonder if you can like jack it up even

that’s all for

that’s all for just like rendering

right i’m sure you

can jack it up

like you know it sucks though is like the machine i use

i used to have a 20

20 inch monitor as my main monitor

which is pretty small

and then it

would have like this big monitor for editing

videos for timeline

as a 30 inch monitor

so i just replaced the 20 inch monitor the

other day with this view sonic

and so now i have a

27 inch and a 30 inch

but for some

reason that’s too much hd display for my mac

so now my cursor just goes so slow now across the

screens it’s like the graphics card can’t handle it

it sucks well i went with

everything that you

could possibly get

and they’re

twelve thousand six hundred

and ninety nine dollars

yo that’s what the hard drive

how big of a hard

drive is that that is well that’s not even with

everything because i

would go with 30 gigs of memory

32 gigs of memory

is another thousand dollars now we’re up to 16

000 dollars you can get that memory

cheaper don’t ever buy memory from

well if you just wanted to get the big

party rolling but they do the hard

drives that’s

all with five hundred and

twelve solid

state five hundred twelve

five hundred

twelve twelve gigs and i got four of them

oh that’s that’s good

i didn’t know that they went up that high that was that

money man it’s

sweet that you can get like

you can go and get a computer for fucking

500 bucks or you can get this goddamn

thing for 16 000

if you wanted to make your own that’s the thing

about windows

though if you wanted to make your own computer that was

equal in performance to this computer

you could probably do it for a tiny fraction of that

money not really i mean

cause i mean

really i mean it’s

definitely gonna be

cheaper like

if the smart

thing to do is not to buy

your ssd drives from apple

you pretty much

wanted to go to a

store like fry’s


and pick up a case and pick up hard

drives and a

motherboard and

everything and put together your own computer

and make it

to this kind of specifications how much do you

think it would cost

if you had a guess it would be

eight thousand it would be

pretty it would be pretty

close no it actually would be pretty close because

the fastest processor is

still gonna be really expensive the fastest

i mean that much ram it’s still

gonna be pretty

it’s not gonna be that much difference

i think they priced out a macbook pro

on someone like

ant nan tech or something like that they priced it out

as with the same

version of windows

and it wasn’t that far off it was like

90 it was pretty

close actually

but that’s a macbook pro this is like a high

level tower

we’re all right

what you would do is you

would just get the bare bones processor

whatever highest processes you want don’t get any

as less ram as possible through

as less hard drive

space as possible from them

want to probably maybe even

see what the graphics card option is go for the

basic graphics card option and then

buy all this shit

separately right but

this is maxed out though

this is maxed out

we’re talking

about maxed out if you

didn’t know the best hard

drives right the

best operating

with best video card

any any like

alienware or anything like that if you

start maxing out different

things though like

they’re gonna get you on ram

that’s like when you buy something and they give you

extras and they just i

know i totally know what you’re saying

about ordering from big companies but

what i’m saying is if you wanted to do it on your own

right if you wanted to go to your own

no i do actually

i have no idea

i haven’t built a computer

in six years it is kind of

crazy though that you know

i mean the big percentage of the

population in the country

and the world rather uses windows

right oh yeah

yeah i mean it’s something like 70 or 80 percent

everybody that uses computers has windows

right but meanwhile

they get viruses

yeah have you ever

heard of anybody getting a

virus when you have an apple no

i know they exist cunt

bag pain in the ass are

viruses right

that’s the biggest fucking pain in the ass ever i mean

i have had so many people on the message board

say you know when they’re scared of

clicking a link like i’m not

clicking that i’m not

clicking that

i’ve never looked at something and said i’m not

clicking that

right cause i’m not worried

about losing my

shit well that’s

one of the best

things about

apples and i’m sure everyone’s

gonna start

screaming there are

viruses they have invented them

my favorite

thing also is that see with pcs i used to

build pcs most of my life i would be

this graphics card this

motherboard this memory this hard

drive this and that

the problem is that windows has to

be able to work on all

these variations of hard drives and

different kinds of graphics cards

it has to be

super programmed

for all these different

combos with apple

apple programs

exactly for the hardware it uses there’s not

a thousand different

graphics cards that go into a

the motherboard that that works in the

apple you know so

they got an

apple motherboard or what they call a

logic board

which means it’s more expensive

i totally know what you’re saying

they give you less choices and

because of that they

build it on themselves so it’s more fine tuned

as an operating

system on top of it because of the hardware

it is apple hardware it is

what it is but there’s something pretty dope

about being able to

go i used to love making my own computers i’ve done it

at least twice

where i went and got the whole deal

motherboard case put it all together spent

god who knows how many hours

but when you’re actually finally

online with some computer that you made yourself

that’s pretty dope yeah

there’s something fucking cool oh

dude it was like a rector set style yeah

it’s something badass

about the fact nowadays it’s so

cheap that you don’t

have to do that anymore though i know but it’s fun

yeah there’s

something fun to it

is there something

super satisfying

like duncan has one of my computers

but there’s something

super satisfying i put that shit together

i installed the operating

system you know i

tweaked the registry

and i went into the bios remember the what is it the

not the things

about spacers

what are those

things fucking

fuses or what are

those things

stuff to put out

those were the

worst because that it was like oh you have to

you know tweezers to pull yeah

and it had to be different

combos like

oh that was

annoying yeah there’s a lot of

annoying shit

about making computers

like the show

going to bios and having to change the

frequency down or the ram cache

size if you have a different kind of graphics card

there’s like so many

annoying little

well how about dudes who

would go into their

bios and overclock their


just slight

tweaking like dudes

would buy celeron processors and tweak them

so that they performed like an intel

like a pentium processor

remember when celerins

first came out and that was like that diet coke of

computers yeah this

was like there was

something missing but dudes

would overclock the shit out of them and play

quake with them

cause it was like

super cheap

there was even

a few companies online that

would overclock shit for you

so they would

build it for you like

super jacked like some

super jacked

giant heatsink on it fans blowing all over it

meanwhile they got this poor little

poor little

processor going

just everything’s like jack to the max like much higher

than it’s supposed to be

yeah yeah it’s

in the whole

thing is interesting how

quickly it’s

evolved from

when i first got my

first computer it was a pentium to 400

so was four hundred megahertz man

three eighty six for life

three eighty six

three eighty six

which how many megahertz is that

three eighty six

is it three hundred

eighty six yeah then it goes up to four eighty six was

my upgrade i was like oh my god i got four eighty six

wow so amazing

well i remember

when when i

first got it

was like the top of the line it was a micron

you know it’s my

first pc that i got

and i remember thinking

you know like wow look at all this

power and all this

space and all this

now it’s not even

close to what your

phone does right

that’s amazing

yeah my phone has

thirty two gigs of

space on it my

first hard drive had four

thirty two gigs and my first

first computer was

four hundred megahertz

this is a thousand

right and it’s in your pocket and it’s thin as you know

like a notebook

it’s amazing yeah

we live in strange ass times man

we really do you know

they can’t put

this guy in jail for this hacking his wife’s fucking

email now that’s retarded

goddamn did you that

that’s legit

right i guess

fucking oh yeah it’s in

a hundred different sites

it’s legit some fox news son it’s

a michigan man faces five years in prison if convicted

on felony charges of hacking into his wife’s email

leon walker

thirty three was busted

after he accessed his wife

clara’s account

and discovered

she was having an affair

i love the account and then the big dash

and discovered

she was having an affair

how does he not

how does he go to jail and the whore

doesn’t whore

you need to go to jail whore

give me the baby

give me the baby and go

learn you need to go read books and do push ups

you can’t just fucking

can’t just go fuck your ex husband

you cunt yeah with my baby

can’t go over there

crazy whore

so what’s that message say to you

brian does it say don’t hack into people’s

shit or does it say don’t get caught

uh well if you’re married

and you have good reason to

believe that your wife is

cheating on you then yes get the

upper hand so you know what’s

going on first yeah

cause that’s

marriage is different you

wanna have all your bases

covered you

wanna it’s like an attack plan

spoken like a man who’s experienced some

crazy bitches yeah son

yeah and always

turn on your record

feature on your

phone when you’re

fighting just in case something gets

crazy and you need proof

how crazy have you ever had it

we’ve talked

about it i’ve gone to jail

crazy and if i had

cell phones back then you know i

would have been fucking recording that shit you

would have been free you’d be a free man i’d be a free

man well i mean i was free already but it just took me

money and a year and a half of

court isn’t that

crazy one nutty

bitch blows one

fuse one day and it affects you for

you know a percentage of your life

a year and a half it’s like 10

000 dollars to 12 000 dollars and i fucking made like

40 dollars a day think

about that if you live the perfect life

and you lived a long long healthy life one year

that’s one percent of your life

you had to give up one percent

of your life dealing with this

chicks bullshit yeah my fucking job

wouldn’t even let me take off time anymore

for the court

like i had to go to

court like every

couple weeks

you know it seemed like

i don’t know i

might be exaggerating a little bit i

think i went to

court like 12 to 14 times and i remember

having to always call off work and they got the

point where we can’t give you any more

fucking time you know we’re

gonna have to replace you

and i actually had to like find people that work for me


right all for just some nutty broad

yeah and nothing happened

just craziness

just made up fantasy she actually didn’t even

pick up the charges she just said that she got in a

fight with her

boyfriend and she kicked i kicked her out of the

house and that the city

picked up the charges because like

the oj simpson law

something like that oj cost you dude fucking oj

that’s amazing

if you lived a healthy life you’d be a hundred right a

great life a

great long life you hear

about a guy die he was a hundred you go wow that guy

lived a good life that’s a long life

one percent

of a hundred is a year all right

that’s craziness

dude you gave up 1

of your life you know

and then she’s trying to add me on facebook like

a year and a

half ago and i’m like are you fucking kidding me

that’s hilarious what are you

gonna do like

take pictures if i poke you

did she ever apologize

did she said she oh no

the day that the court

dropped the charges and

everything like that they were like you know

dropped all the charges

she wrote me or she called me

and i have it on my voicemail i had it on my voicemail

back in the day or answer machine back in the day

where she’s like i’m so

sorry about

everything you know i really hope that

that we can

hang out soon and i just want you to know i’m very

sorry for i didn’t do any of this the

state did it and blah blah

you know what the

crazy called the cops in the

first place huh

she called the cops

yeah because what happened is i

wouldn’t drive her home at night

i kicked her out of my

house i was like fuck you you’re

breaking my

house you left her in the street

i just shut her

i just pushed her out the

front door shut

the door no it was

no it was like so how’d you

expect her to get home

i didn’t care

she was breaking shit in my

house i was like fuck her you

get the fuck out of my house

you know she was

going crazy so you

should have called the cops at that

point and then you said i

should have i

should have this girl was

smashing my shit i want her out of here i

should have

but to me i was so pissed off that i just went upstairs

and just went to bed

cause it was like

2 a m or something like that

so she called the cops and what did she tell the cops

she said that my boyfriend

and i got in an argument he pushed me out of the

house and then wouldn’t

drive me home

and the officer was like what do you mean push

cause i actually did she

wouldn’t leave my

house i opened the

front door and i pushed her out

not like fall on the grounds

you know or anything like

that it was more like get on this side of the door all

right door shut

you know type push and

and the officers like oh he pushed you he

wouldn’t drive you home and so they

unlawful restraint

they got you

think she blew

one of the cops

no but it was a girl cop

but what was

crazy is that

when the beginning of the

court case i don’t

think i’ve ever

said this part

when i went to

court case they

made you go to an

anger therapist

like a court appointed

anger therapist

where they just ask you questions to see if you’re

crazy or not

or angry it was a



and halfway through

that guy goes i’m sorry i am

going to have to stop i actually know the

other person that you did this with i went to high

school with her

and i’m going to have to have my assistant take on

the rest of this interview and so

the guy i’m like wait that’s not fair

this guy went to high

school with her

and said this

other guy walks in and sits down and goes because

we continued it

we leave and then yeah they told the

court like oh yeah he’s crazy he’s

angry he’s mad and blah blah

blah and so then i had to get a lawyer just to like

tell the judge like that’s not fair

that the person with the high

school with her that come on give me a

break he got

off of it though and then he brought in his friend

yeah yeah but did he

brief his friend on what

yeah absolutely

so you think that he’s like go

after this douchebag

well absolutely

if you worked as a

psychiatrist and your

buddy from high

school came

then you’re probably

going to be

on your side of your

buddy of your

group that’s

especially if you were in love with her

right and especially

anyways so we had to like

go to court like

three times

and then like just to get the

judge to say

okay that’s bullshit yeah we’ll give you another

psychiatrist to go to

of course i went to the other

psychiatrist and they’re like oh yeah he’s fine he’s

completely normal then they

dropped off so

they actually said that there was something

wrong with you

the first person

was like what they

say they said that he’s

angry i could see that he will revolt in

anger that guy

should be fired

i know i know this

but this is also like what 10 years ago what’s his name

it was like

10 years ago how do you not have that burn in your

brain it was actually more intense

i was 19 i would be making videos

about that guy

every day now

if i get you locked in a cage yeah now

if i knew it for some high

school pussy that’s what it was

high school

chick that he was

in love with and he wanted to get you locked in a cage

show her i could come and rescue you brian

right or girly whatever her name is i called her you

what is her name

i’m not saying you know what i’m saying no

kunti mcgillicuddy how about

that kuntersin

mick huntersin

and on that note

ladies and gentlemen

it’s always a good way to end the show

oh by the way

gentlemen d md

we’re having a

ufc broadcast

saturday with joey diaz and sam tripoli

we’re gonna be yes

what is the you

stream address

it’s gonna be on my twitter but it will be

you streamed

i don’t have a

fancy you stream like you oh you know no it’s you

stream dot tv backslash red

okay this is what you do go to twitter

and look up red band re d b a n

not red band

it’s a different person

red band gay band and if you do that you’ll find

the twitter they did it before

during the last ufc

they watch the

ufc they order it on pay per

view and then they sit there and talk

about it while it’s

going on and talk shit

and it’s a lot of fun

and in between

fights like

if you’re watching the

fights and like you know a lot of times in between

fights it’s like that you know you get bored

you know you want to go get some food

well if you can have this

going on at the same time you have

bunch of stand up comedians

given commentary and joey diaz is

gonna be there and who else

gonna be there tripoli

sam tripoli maybe t

might stop come on son

like just just that

alone joey diaz

sam tripoli

and jason tebe and they’re all

gonna be doing comedy commentary

on the ufc and

drinking like crazy

drinking and smoking dope with two hands

we’re gonna be twittering you

trying to bug you and i’m

gonna be twitter

i’m gonna be texting them i can’t twitter

while i’m out there because i don’t want to give away

spoilers and shit

right but i’ll text brian

so brian will have the inside skinny

you dirty bitches

and if you also want to see joey

diaz he is gonna be with me february fourth

we’re doing a show in

vegas at the

mandalay bay theater

it’s some new badass theater at

mandalay bay

and it’s me ari shafir

and joey coco

diaz tickets are flying off the shelves bitches

i think the

front area is already gone

but it’s february

4th you can buy tickets online if you go to joerogane

net there’s a link

right yep you can

click on that shit just

click on the

banner on the side and so this

thursday we’re having another podcast and it was with

house barks

and that should be very interesting because

hal is a very bright guy with

a very varied

career he has a rock band it’s called zero one

so he’ll be our

thursday guest and

thank you very

much everybody who made this podcast top 10

in the itunes list that means the

world to me and

brian right

brian yes we’re

excited thank you

we’re gonna figure out a way to do something with this

and make it bigger we’re

gonna take this shit to the next

level in 2011 folks

is officially one year

since we started

yeah so this is

our last show

should have been our one year show

but it was a day off it was the

23rd this is

it this is really it we’ve gone a full year

all right bitches

you know i love you

you know brian loves you

r e d b a n

on twitter follow him

cause he’s very

upset at his twitter

count it’s just really lagging

compared to his

resting is yours

jesus christ i just want at least

eight percent of your people

i’m balling

i’m balling on twitter

i’m not balling

five hundred thousand

is balling i’m half balling i’m like copper records

i got a copper record i need i need to get a

gold snooky numbers

snooky numbers

would be spectacular i

need a goddamn tv show that’s that’s what you gotta do

gotta get a tv show tv show pumps up your twitter

and that pumps up your

stand up comedy shows that and produce more comedy

that’s all happening

it looks like my next comedy special is

gonna be filmed in toronto

buckle the fuck up you

dirty canadian bitches

cause i’m coming

i had such a

good time last time i was in toronto and i know there’s

gonna be a ufc in toronto in

april so it looks like

that’s where i’m

planning on doing

my next special

holla at your boy

that’s in april

yes all right

dirty bitches

manly bay february 4th be there joe diaz

large fear brian redband will be in attendance

and an epic

video will be

made probably better than the one that’s out

right now from austin

the austin one is available

right now and

youtube go find it on joe rogan dot

any t that’s my channel

i’ve said too much i’m

tired of listening to my own fucking

voice good night

tyranny is enveloping the globe

and the united states is a shining jewel

the globalists want to

bring down and they will use terrorism

as the pretext to get it done

so that’s coming up in the

second half of the show very important

information i’m

gonna put the call out that you call the white house

tell them look we’ve seen the news stories that you’ve

wanted to blow things up that you have blown things up

and that you’re saying that

four million of us are going to die we need martial

law and the associated press

one of your little drills you had this is paris

this is alex jones talking

paris on pull this this can stop the shit larian

reichstag event

maybe maybe just some bad tagging as it slammed

what you do

this is a bad tag here we’ll listen to real

this is a warning another cut to move on

another beat that’s so strong hold on and i get wicked

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