The Joe Rogan Experience #70 - Brendon Walsh

those were the days i remember we used to be

close when i was nine coldest winter i remember

was slipping in december two feet of snow

yeah that’s the east coast that black ice

symbolized the rap life it was slick and smooth

understood i had to come from the hood doing the peace


on that line forever i wish somebody

would step on my valley levels that was whatever

hip hops forever kept my radio on 98 a bls had a

he spent my little brother tried to warn him

i was a tornado coming he knew from inside like the eye

of a storm and told my pops about it

he gave us tickets to that wild style flick

double trouble retarded

he was the proudest i never had a summer job

socks to my knees homemade

shorts cut off please i ain’t worth a day in my life

wiping away eraser off the paper man

i’m just trying to say it right big radio

tape flowing down nowhere the lights go battery

dead i gotta freeze them to the ice cold in the freezer

later i’m staring at the speaker

sunken i’m 80 ways deeper cleaning my sneakers

with the bristles of a toothbrush

soap and water i lick the shoestrings soap and water

ain’t got nothing to do with old school new school

dirty south west coast east coast this is about us

is that nas

yeah nas versus justice mash up

this is our thing

you know that he’s got some of my favorite lyrics

yeah that backwards

song shit i like the background songs yeah

the cleverest you know

he’s like a guy you know hit you in some

lyrics and just make you go whoa

like didn’t expect that totally

ladies and gentlemen welcome to the podcast

we started off in a very strange vibe today

is that me chewing gum or is that you chewing gum no

one was chewing gum by the way last week we apologize

it was eliza

slashinger’s dog and

her sweet little dog

we wanted to

chill the dog out so we gave the dog this little

rawhide toy

and homeboy was

going to work

while the podcast was

going on it

sounded like someone snapping gum

that’s not what it was yeah

we’re sorry

about that shit

it was just a dog

if it’s a dog isn’t it a little bit less annoying

yeah it’s totally annoying

well no it’s less annoying

yeah because if it’s a person like

assholes just chewing his fucking gum that’s so rude so

it wasn’t like people being rude to you

just being nice to a dog just imagine it’s the

sounds of a flashlight

and it’s so much better

just being used eww

that’s worse than a dog no it is

worse than dog

brian what the fuck is

wrong with you not for the

ladies the ladies

would like to

think that more than a dog chewing probably

all i’m trying to say is no one’s chewing gum

that’s all i’m trying to say

ladies and gentlemen brennan

walsh please welcome brendan walsh to the podcast

hi everybody

fresh out of

texas bitches

fresh out at

fucking austin

austin texas is

such a strange

place man just one like

super hippie

spot in the middle of

this really conservative kind of fucking you know drag

black guys behind

trucks yeah

a lot of that shit

going on outside of that you know i mean i love

dallas and i love houston and i love the cities in

texas but like

there’s a big difference between austin and a lot and

everywhere else

like in even

i’d say houston but

like houston has a cool part of

their town there’s

like a little part of the city that’s kind of okay

but any other

place just imagine

for a second living in dallas

or any other

place in texas

austin is just so different

for not just for the

state i mean

for the country it’s like it’s a unique cool

place to live it’s a

weird vibe right

it’s really always fascinated me

when towns like

get a vibe like san francisco in the 60s i would have

loved to have seen what that was like oh i think

about that a lot

do you yeah

yeah like documentaries on it like

that must have

been so strange before acid was illegal and

yeah i mean i

watched the

the end of hair last night

you know the

movie hair yeah

and just the last

scene i was hanging out with my friend

henry phillips do you know henry yes

and yeah i don’t know he’s a musician guy

yeah music he’s the one who played with doug

yeah he played on ocd

um something to take the edge off

it’s one of my favorites that

helps you it’s a great one

and he did it very rhythmically together they work

great you know

yeah it’s funny when doug

and this is obviously you know

secondhand but uh

i’ve heard it from both of them when they first

started hanging out like doug knew

henry was a guitar comic

and didn’t see his act for years

cause he was afraid he’s

like well if i see your act it’s guitar comedy it’s

gonna suck i won’t be friends with you anymore

and but then when he said

henry’s hilarious

i mean i don’t know if you’re familiar with his

stuff but i’m not too familiar with it but that is a

funny thing man it’s

really hard to be friendly with someone who’s not funny

yeah and they were yeah they were

pounding around

a lot so doug was like i don’t even want to see it

that’s funny

yeah but henry’s

great he actually

while we were talking in the car he has a

movie called

punching a clown

that he made it’s hilarious and it’s a

it’s out you can

get it on netflix or whatever do they have a netflix

streaming i don’t

think it’s on

streaming damn

but uh but it’s

definitely you know we’re by copying

by the way before we get started

i don’t have anything

invested in the

movie i have to

thank our sponsor the flashlight

it is actually our sponsor

yeah i’ve heard that

dude don’t put the rubber dick on them

you’re always

creeping people out with a rubber dick

they made a

rubber dick but no one’s fucked this you don’t have to

worry about it but

check it out have you ever felt one of

these things before

no philly so you

that’s like

some serious tech that’s supposed to be butthole

some serious

technology man yeah

that’s pretty

weird i mean this is

they’ve figured

out masturbation they got that shit nailed yeah

that’s pretty fucking

sporty it’s great

yeah if they just keep making

these i think the

evolution of the

masturbatory device is over i mean this is good enough

yeah yeah maybe some sort of a

self cleaning jammy

might be pretty good iphone

charging doc hey iphone on verizon today

yes did you hear

about this good for you iphone’s coming out on verizon

oh i heard something last

night the only

thing that sucks is it’s not

international and

if you go somewhere

like if you go to england try to use it it’s not

gonna work and data and voice

yeah you can’t use but

you know how

often is that come up is that come up for you oh

yeah hey i’m on the

phone hey you

wanna go get something

to eat tonight yeah hold on let me look online

and find out a good rest oh

and you do it

right while you’re talking

huh and you do it

right while you’re talking you do it

on at amp t oh

i do it all the time

or you’re like talking to somebody

listen to pandora or something

on one hand it’s like

that i don’t know can you just hang up the

phone on the

other hand that is kind of cool to be

able to do that yeah do you use a headset or something

well a car bluetooth

oh right right

right are you driving

while you’re doing this no like i

like i suck

that’s like

more complicated than

texting you fuck

you’re out there risking lives no like stoplights and

stuff oh only at stoplights

you gotta discipline yourself son dude and the

traffic out here is a little bit different than most

places most of the time you’re sitting here

going two miles an hour you know it’s

still it’s dangerous

texting you can go two

miles an hour dangerous fucking

red lights you didn’t see it in time span

you like you don’t do it at all

no i don’t allow myself to because i’m worried

about hitting somebody man i’m worried

about being irresponsible well

definitely when you’re on the highway going 55

miles an hour i’m just doing it i just won’t look at it

you know i’ll take

phone calls and i can make

phone calls with my car makes

you know it does bluetooth so you

can actually tell it to depress a button and say call

brian and you just talk through your stereo

yeah that’ll do but

i’m not fucking texting

that’s crazy i’ve seen people do it

i’ve had people do it

while they were driving and i was a passenger and i

asked them to stop i’m like man you can’t do that

that’s too crazy

like that’s like you’re like

riding a motorcycle on one leg

right you might get away with it

but this shit

might end ugly man put the fucking

phone down you’re typing with two hands

and controlling the

steering wheel with your pinky

it’s a 2 000

pound piece of me

machinery not your two

thousand more like four now do that

do thousands

like a race

car that’s like a stripped down car with like

yeah i don’t know how much cars we found 40

now do all that two

miles per hour

you could probably do it right

way easy yeah and that’s why you

allow myself

traffic in la

i hear you man i just when i’m in my car

something there’s a guy

named tony v from boston

and he taught me this and he was

he was a comic

a comic from boston excuse me

and he was traveling

from boston to new york a lot he was driving like

he was going like all the time like

a couple times a week

you know it’s like two and a half hours oh

there and back and he was

going back and forth and back

and forth and i said

doesn’t that

drive you crazy like how do you not go nuts

when you’re fucking driving

you know what

the way i look at it i get in the car i just goes then

i say this is what i’m doing now i’m driving my car

it’s like i’m not

gonna freak out

about it because i’m just

gonna keep doing it i do it all the time

yeah just it’s all on how you approach it

and i went wow that’s such a fucking

smart way of looking at it and i like

forced me to rewire the way i look at certain things

hmm you know like bullshit that’s boring

travel air travel

you know you can really

bum yourself out and go fuck and get in the fucking

plane but you just know it’s

ahead of you just get zen

just get zen

i have the same

kind of attitude with the driving i

drove a lot when i first

started you know

doing the road and

i had driven from austin to la

or san diego a

bunch of times that’s like a

twenty hour

drive and i

would just do it you know

drive do it straight through most of the time

but it’s just like you know it’s like all

right well i’m

gonna be in the car for a couple days yeah

and i just want to get there

i mean i’m a fucking i’m an animal behind the

wheel you worry

about man the

whole fucking

speeding is i don’t i don’t speed

like crazy no i’ll do like just

right around 10

miles over the limit

just on there

crazy there’s like a little gambling

thing you do because

you see people whiz

past you when you’re doing that

it’s like well

that guy’s doing a fucking hundred

yeah like nobody’s

gonna pull me over to certain

people on the highway just go this guy

should not be driving man

how many times you’ve been on

the high when you see some dude just weaving in and out

that need for speed bag

you know inside that guy’s car is probably

sounds like hmm

like he’s probably one of

those like guy that

pimps out his card that like you know like need for

speed drifting he probably

drifts around

sometimes is

just a lot sometimes it’s just douchebags man

well it’s people everybody’s the most important fucking

thing in the

world like like when you see cars fucking parked

in parking lots and are

not like when people

totally cross over two

spaces like real assholes

but like just if they’re like

kind of not between the lines

right it’s like what are you in such a

hurry for like

i always straighten my car out and fucking make sure

you’re not gonna fucking

be part is this like

line though there’s this fine line between

being a courteous

driver and getting

stuck behind a monkey

yeah you know sometimes you just see some dude like all

these fucking

dummy you don’t even know what you’re doing dummy

you’re fucking

panicking you’re locking up the

street okay

do i go around this guy

fuck yeah just go

yeah you know

sometimes you have to make that move to oh yeah

cause otherwise it just be back there

going really yeah it’s just took ten minutes longer

cause you’re retarded yeah

i gotta be behind you you fuck

that’s why there needs to be something in the future

where you can just

shoot that guy like a text message

using his license

plate number or something like

fuck you i hate you just

speed he’s my balls ideally

brian the utopia

would be that they

would no longer

exist and we would use

robots for retarded labor

those people wouldn’t

exist anymore we

would have a

fully enlightened society we

would be able

to really go into the ghettos and revive the

school systems there because we

wouldn’t be

afraid of having poor people around all the time

kill them off

now we would be fine man we be utopia

we wouldn’t be afraid

anymore that’s the idea

brian i know

not supposed to

shoot them text messages that shit’s not

gonna help they’re

stupid what we

gotta do is stop making

stupid people we

gotta help those people to not be

stupid therefore

their children won’t be stupid

and there’ll be no more

stupid people

that shit is all possible

yeah or we just think

well i mean it’s like

it’s possible

that a dude though

like a genetic dude

where you go like this guy no matter what

this is that guy he’s fucked he’s just working on

three cells of a nine cell battery he’s just

he just doesn’t

yeah it’s not all there he’s not that there’s not much

going on up there

there’s a lot of people that are just like that like

some guys have big dick

some guys do not

some guys have

super powerful

brains some guys do not some guys have

brains that suck

you know that’s a unfortunate part of life

and it’s not even that you’re you have down syndrome

we have a disease

you just don’t

some jackass yeah

yeah there’s a spectrum

unfortunately there’s a

biological spectrum of people yeah and it includes

brains you know

yeah i mean you need

kind of like

you need some people to deliver pizzas and

fill potholes

right now you

do right now

you do until

we figure out how to make

robots that can do everything

then you don’t need people anymore

no need people doing any nonsense

things you just need

robot repair people

that’s all you need

right i can’t wait for that like like you

guys that’ll

be every like when you’re

watching maury

povich that you see

those commercials for like

robot repair college well i had this

joke that i used to do about

two things you’ll

never see the same time is

marijuana being

legal and jetpacks

because society

would crumble

right there

would be no work if you had jetpacks

you’d have to

you know like you have to

break things

down it’s very important you don’t have too much fun

you want to keep society rolling

brian’ll tell you that

right brian that’s right

brian’s just 100

fun i am fun

so this iphone the problem is you’re not

gonna be able to

do calls and get online at the same time

well that’s

to me that’s a pretty big deal for me

i’m a very data

very multitasking iphone user

and at least i want that option

where to me i have verizon and

i have a palm pre plus

and it’s great but

i’ve noticed you know

trying to do

things on that

you know when i’m on the phone and

the iphone on

at amp t if at amp

t was the ship

the iphone would be the

greatest thing ever

but at amp g’s just sucks it so hard

yeah it’s gonna be

so much nicer

i don’t have an iphone

but i don’t know anybody who

can and get reception

anywhere like

where they live like dude

this is what happens man when we have a

ufc there’s like 18 000 people in the arena

yeah but for

anyone’s there

i can use my

iphone i can get online i can go on my twitter i can

check things out

but as soon as the

arena fills up it’s dead

it’s useless you can’t get online now

i try to twitter

from my phone like when

things happen in between rounds

i can’t do it now imagine half of that

arena if not more leaving

that arena to go to the verizons

arena and then

your cell phone

would work better right

that’s what the biggest

problem is is overcrowding on

towers and the hand

off so do you

think that’s

gonna happen

the same way with verizon is it the same sort of a

system cause

how much i think it’s good i

think it’s gonna dilute

the cell phones

coverage out

completely you know it’s

going it’s not

gonna be everyone on at amp

t just so they can have an iphone it’s

gonna be kind of more you know deluded

right but what i’m saying is do you

think that a verizon is

gonna get overburdened

can they handle at first

capacity at

first i bet yes there’s

gonna be a lot of problems that’s so crazy

i bet you’ll

watch verizon’s network deteriorate at

least in the

first couple

months during

south by southwest

a couple years ago

nobody’s iphones worked in the

whole town cause

150 000 hipsters

all with iphones come to town

where there’s already and

do you just couldn’t get a hold of anybody that is

so ridiculous

you guys were forced

at south by

southwest to go like caveman

so i have team up

yeah oh you’re fine yeah

i have i have a blackberry

but i couldn’t get a hold of anyone

i used to have a at t

blackberry and i thought you know this is just the

waste coverage is

and then i got a verizon one

and drive around

la like all the spots it used to drop off it

doesn’t drop off now yeah

that to me is

fucking gigantic that’s the most important

thing i got to be able to talk to you

i got to be able to talk to you can’t talk to you

and if the phone cuts it that’s

number one to me yeah iphones are way better than


but for me the most important

thing is i gotta be able to

definitely know that i can get a hold of you that i can

get a signal

that’s annoying as fuck to

me when there’s a lot of dead zones when you can’t keep

an important conversation when you’re driving somewhere

but you still

have to have an important conversation i can have

those conversations in my car

with verizon

yeah but all

those problems are

90 a lot of it

is from overcrowding the cell phone

tower is that true because what i

heard is that gsm

has a harder time switching

towers well it

would be true if you

drove the same

place every single day

and it happened at the

exact same place

while you’re on the

phone every

single time it does

to me it happens

to me there’s one

place that i know of

where you just go

down this little loop and you lose service for a second

and that’s the only

place i can

that i remember

every single time but

other than that

it’s so random from me

driving to legends driving to the jujitsu gym

right there’s a few

places where it just always cuts out

every single time

but with verizon it

doesn’t boring in

his fucking conversation

this is pretty cool

it’s like a couple of guys hanging out on

their break

fucking loading doc

this is techno verizon talk what’s amazing though

is how many people who are like on verizon

or on at amp t want you to be on it too

you know those assholes like come on man get with

sprint bro yeah

sprint look at this

i got this phone man it’s

good for minutes

it’s good it’s good for minutes though

if you know like you have minute to minute calling

and roll over minutes that’s true and

stuff like that that’s true you

could look at i mean that’s a

smart way of looking at it right

some people want to be on the same team as you

when you have at amp

t if you don’t use like 50 minutes the next

month you keep that 50 minutes and it adds onto your

minute collection and you can collect them you

know i just have unlimited

right yeah you can do that too

which is you’re paying probably

extra than you really need to

i guess if you looked at it

let me throw my hat into the ring here

what was that

t mobile it

doesn’t seem like a stripper

strippers all have that

you really don’t

is that is that a stripper

phone number oh fuck yeah that’s a

strip that’s okay

it works everywhere i’ve got cricket

wait so like now i’m cricket

i got cricket and team


what is t mobile like fucking oh no skank

it is a weird one that’s a weird one yeah

verizon is you’re a

you know no nonsense person

that’s like you don’t want to lose a signal

that’s coke and

pepsi and you’re drinking rc well when i got it

you’re like a

child like you don’t even

have the iphone and you got that shitty service right

no it’s good i don’t have any

t mobiles no problems

i know where yeah like it oh it always works

and it’s like i don’t pay that much oh

no no i actually

would go with

t mobile before

i noticed right

really really

my touch it’s like

basically the iphone yeah

yeah keep telling yourself that

yeah it’s got a

bunch of apps yeah i got

radio shack version

or something not even close

see iphone five years ago

check this out look well this is an

older model fucking

phone is that’s that’s that that really is like some

crazy leap of

technology i

never thought it was at first

but then i realized as time went on when you

start dealing with the applications then you realize

whoa this is like the most insane little device ever

this is not just a

phone i can hold this fucking

thing up to a

speaker and it’ll tell me what the song is

and also like i just put i know way

ghetto i just

discovered the

well angry birds you know that

fucking video game no no but

like i was yeah i’m

whatever i just i

never fuck with that shit and somebody

showed it to me recently i was like oh this is fun

but the fact

that you pull the bird back with your

screen just the fact

that it’s like this

thing knows

like how far and how hard to pull this

rubber band

how do they know

where that is on the screen

and it’s alien

technology it’s crazy

it must be yeah yeah

it’s like you know at a certain

point in time people look at

things and they just go how did this ever get

thought up you know

and really it does seem like it’s

alien shit it’s

gotta be something

because how did we make the leap from like

when i was a kid there were fucking rotary

phones and then

now there’s this i’m 37

and like i was

using rotary

phones and like you know

we didn’t have

microwaves like if you wanted to make a potato

when i was like

eight years old

you’d have to

block out like 40 minutes

to make a fucking potato

right you have to fucking

bake that shit yeah and when

like microwaves were just like oh here’s this new

thing and yeah i don’t know

i remember that

i remember that

well it’s you know when i was

43 when i was a kid there was no

self there was no answering machines rather

no you couldn’t even get a hold of somebody if you just

you had a call remember when it was like an emergency

or you’re trying to call

radio station you’re trying to do the

rotary dial and he’s like

you like trying to

force it to go faster how

crazy is caller id the

first time i saw caller

id i was like whoa they can tell you who’s calling

like a little digital readout

was like a separate

stand alone

device yeah

it would read the number as it was calling in and it

would say it out loud

call from three two

three one one six

you like whoa we are in the fucking future

i had when i was in austin

when everybody was getting the caller id boxes

i guess i don’t know if i had to change

the number into my name or something either way i got i

found out you

could get listed as whatever you want in the

white pages

so i told him my name was guy chinese

so every time

when i called one of my friends it just it said

chinese guy

because some

chinese guy called because it does last name

first right

and yeah that’s

just that’s something i was reminded of recently

when you look at the

phone when an iphone like when you get a

phone call and

it’s coming in and you see that full resolution

photo of the person oh yeah

you see their name over it it’s like

i don’t think we realize how fucking

crazy that idea

really is the

idea that you’re able to send

photos and images to each

other all of it

for stream video

but touchscreen

is like yeah that

fucking blows my mind

i don’t how does an ipad work

how does that shit fucking work and how did that just

happen all of a

sudden exponential

advances in technologies

like one guy figures out one

thing that applies

to something else and they all get in together

and then they come up with a better one and then it

builds from there

there’s so many

fucking people working on this shit all over the

world i mean yeah

and you know

technology begets better

technology it just keeps

going and going and

going and going

and it’s at a fever pitch

for christmas i got an

apple tv and i don’t know

if you’ve seen this this little box that you look up

to your tv and it’s pretty

i fucking love it

and i have an xbox i have a ps3 i have all that shit

but this thing is so

perfect and what’s cool

about it with your iphone like if you’re sitting there

and you want to

search for a

movie on netflix or itunes or something like that

you just connect it with the remote application

and you just sit

there and use your iphone as like the best remote ever

it’s perfect

so you can use it

you can connect to like this

slide shows what’s cool if you have a

flickr so your iphone connects as a wireless remote

right and if you have any

videos or photos or anything on your

phone you just press play

and it will transfer it to your

tv and your

sound system

so like i was

watching like

videos i filmed

and just transferred it to my

and you’re watching on tv yeah

from my iphone

or i wanted to use my itunes on here so i

transferred it to

holy shit like

wireless and you can

share other computers my old roommate had that

and i could

yeah there’s a setting in it i

could play all my itunes and shit through the tv

through the tv

and what’s also cool is that

if you have a

flicker account it connects to your

photos and you can do like the last 200 photos

so i have like if

you’ve ever been in my

flicker just

random photos

it makes like

these cool collages as like a


while you’re listening to

music so it’s just like this tripped out

slideshow from all your last 200

flickers and

it’s crazy like there’s

pictures of you

and then there’s

pictures of like you

know like joey

diaz’s balls and just

mixed into like this collage

it’s badass

and you can do it to anybody so i

could do it to yours

like i could type in

yeah add joe’s

flickr account so then it does a

slideshow of all your

photos like your last 200

god damn badass

what the fuck is

going on love

it i don’t know

i’m still upset you guys told me i have a dorky

cell phone carrier

no i mean it is a

fellow you’re

gonna be fine it is a

key you actually do have a

trackball on

i know you gotta realize

trackballs are so 2000 so i’m really i’m so not a

technology guy like i don’t

i don’t know i don’t feel the

need like when new shit comes out i know you’re like

yeah i know it and i just i don’t know i can

like this is create that’s like fuck i don’t even

like realistically

you’re right

scott that’s why you’re yours

you’re much more logical

i mean realistically just stay

you don’t pay attention as much stay out a bit

behind the curve and just did

fucking it’s plenty it’s

and then people who are like

who get all the new shit they’ll be like oh wait you

don’t have an ipod i’ll give you one here take this one

you know you’re like oh cool and i have like a

first edition ipod but it’s the coolest

thing i ever own right

that’s awesome

yeah completely true

cause i give all my shit away to like

like my friends like duncan

yeah duncan has got like a

whole entertainment

system just like old

printers and oh wow lcd

screens and duncan’s got my old iphone

yeah oh that’s

right he was talking

about that the

other night they him and natasha just

moved in up the

street for me

so yeah hang out

from orgy time

yeah that’s

right we’re already working it out

free go get

some free go

me and duncan are

gonna double team natasha

get mayor cutie involved in

isn’t it beautiful that you work with comedians and you

could say things like that no one gets upset

i will see i

will see but this is if this was you know

a group of plumbers

at some sort of

talk about double teaming someone’s wife yeah

it’s not really yeah not really that

funny but comedians

were you know

you just accept it

for the most part well

first of all you know when to say it and how to say it

right you know but there’s a lot of

people that aren’t

comics that

would say it and you’d be pissed probably you know oh

sure yeah i’m a

comic and i just said that to you

about your wife and you’d be like what well you gotta

talk about banging someone’s wife you gotta

really know them good

yeah yeah yeah

you can’t just fucking

you know crack jokes

about that to some guy

you don’t know you know it’s gotta be

after you know

i’ve been around you and the wife for 10 years and you

haven’t tried to fuck her yet

right you could be some

crazy person yeah

cracking jokes and making everybody uncomfortable yeah

i always think it’s

weird when you find out like somebody

that you think you

or that you do know fairly well and then you

touch on something

weird where it’s just an innocuous joke

about like oh i

heard your mom has big

tits or whatever

right and you’re like hey fuckin

no no i’m not down

with that mom shit you’re like what wait what you’re

rational about

every other

thing but then

there’s like this weird

line that can be

crossed yeah

well there’s people that are looking for you to

cross a line all the time to oh yeah

that’s fucking

out of line bro yeah there’s

those out of line guys that are

looking to say that

it’s unacceptable yeah

did you see that documentary

about banksky

or banksy banksky

exit through the gift yeah

exit through the gift shop no

i didn’t i saw the preview and it didn’t compel

me it’s pretty interesting

it’s good it’s good

it’s one it’s one of

those things that you’re

gonna look at at least la

a little bit different now really

like there’s so many

things that you just

don’t even notice like that andre the giant

uh symbol that’s

everywhere right

it shows the guy that

makes that and what he does and how he’s been doing

it he’s been doing it throughout you know everywhere

and it just shows also like all

these street

what when the guy does

that comes out and says that can’t they arrest him um

i mean because they consider that like when you put

those images all over the

place like that they consider that

they probably

could i mean vandalism

i’d say but

maybe unless they

catch you red handed like you

could go around all day and

say yeah i put that up there but really if there’s no

proof i mean how are they gonna

prove that you did it

well you’re saying you did it

you’re an artist here’s your work

here’s this

first original sketches yeah

i did i put myself on a billboard

in silver lake

oh yeah i was driving

home from the airport and i saw there was a top chef

the new season for top chef like last season

was in washington dc

and they had all the contestants standing

in like the reflecting

pool at the washington monument on this billboard

and when i was driving past that i just thought like

it’d be funny as shit if there was just some other

if so you just

added another cast

member some weird dude

and i had just seen that exit through the gift shop and

you know they get

these big things

printed up real

big at kinko’s i was like oh i can get it

print it up and i called and was like

they do adhesive vinyl

at kinko’s you make it as big as you want so i put on

i put on like a fedora

and a chef shirt like

everyone else was wearing it had a big pot and was like

stirring it

i had my friend take a

picture and i had to

print it up real big at kinko’s and then

and then i rented a ladder from home depot and

climbed up on the roof of the 7 eleven

and fucking

stuck myself my

oh my god i have some odds and the thing is i

my guy is like half the size i’m way smaller than them

well one of them i miss i can’t well this is true

i i misjudged i did misjudge the size of the billboard

slightly but i did

want myself to be

smaller because i was

going to put myself like i was in the

background of the reflecting pool like has

right in the pot

but when i got up there i couldn’t

reach up high enough so

it’s just like the cast of people did you

worry about falling

no it was on the roof of a 7 eleven

so i just had to get up onto the roof

and then use another like an

eight foot ladder

to get up to the billboard that’s awesome

dude that’s so cool that’s hilarious

yeah i can pull it up on now can you get in

trouble for this though

should we not talk

about that well

it’s done it’s over like they took the billboard down

right but it was somebody else’s ad

well you know what

i was at a party and there was an

executive producer for the show

who heard about it and thought it was hilarious

well so they gave the

green light

i have to get it out of my email

no well they just

i mean it was already there

yeah i mean it’s not like you’re ruining it

and it’s so creative

you know it was

pretty fun that’s a

genius idea it

was and yeah i

guess i can’t i won’t sell out to people who helped me

but me and the guy

who was like

my lookout like i had a guy on the corner just to

see cause it was at a busy intersection

and just he was i had my headphones on with my cell

phone he was just over there just like all

right there’s no cops no

cop like he

was just there to tell me if cops were coming

but we both like

after we did it

we both agreed like i

haven’t felt that kind of like excitement

it was like

it was a feeling that i

haven’t really felt

since like 15 or 16 like just real mischief like oh we

might get caught and

right i don’t know there was a certain like

cause we weren’t like

drunk or high or

like there was a certain kind of innocence and like

fuckin oh man i

haven’t felt like that in a

while like that was like

cause like if you get caught too like what’s

gonna happen

like especially you’re sober you’re not high

and the cops like what are you doing

you’re like well i just yeah i know i just put my

picture on there

that’s i don’t know you know i’m a fucking

idiot i guess what is that

right let’s get this over with like

cause if you’re not wasted or anything right

right then what do they get you with to get you with

prime vandalism

like it’s pretty serious i

talked to my friends in that

it’s pretty serious if it costs a lot of

money to fix

billboard it’s not but

like people that have

sprayed the side of

buildings and it cost a lot to repair

it can be really expensive

yeah well i

think there’s a big difference between graffiti

i guess and like what like banks

and all these like

street artist guys

these guys are actually making like

pieces of art that are okay but some

of the graffiti guys do some badass

work yeah but you know

these guys do some

stuff that where

people want that graffiti

so bad they’ll buy

the wall of that building

for millions of dollars you know

i mean that’s how big

these guys are

and the cool

thing about this

movie is that it

shows how they do that

how they sell you the wall of a

building they

would listen

so we’re gonna take this fucking

building and

they’ll take the wall off a piece

of that part of the building wow yeah this is

i’ve never even heard of that yeah what this parts

watch this documentary

that’s a billboard that i never got to

or that’s the

thing i was gonna put on the billboard

10 foot by four foot wiener sticker

there were these ads for

i don’t know

what it was like urgent care or something and the

whole billboard is just a blue billboard with

white writing and not like font

that said my

blank hurts

my blank line

hurts so we’re

gonna put we’re

gonna fill it in with yes i just said billboards and my

winner hurts

it was in november and

like i was on the road

and i got back and saw

either way i saw the billboard was like let’s do that

it was like

that time it was like mid november it rained for like

two weeks almost every

night it rained so we couldn’t do it because it’s a big

sticker we couldn’t do it when it was raining

we didn’t want

to do it on a friday or saturday because it was

a busy kind there was a bar

right there

either way the

night when we

were finally it wasn’t raining we were

gonna do it

they took the billboard down oh

fucking we missed it by

literally a few

hours can’t you just find like a schwarzenegger

billboard there’s

no more there’s

no wiener or something

well yeah i mean we have the

sticker yeah you

could put wiener somewhere else well i

could also just

spray paint over it and

make it into something i’ve

been keeping my eyes out for

easy to access billboards

yeah you should put it on

like like you know like

i don’t know

the wiener abortion clinic

billboard or something we’ll see

where the fuck have you seen abortion like a planned

parenthood where like a woman’s looking down at it

all the friends abortion clinic

or how about like the planned parenthood when

we’re like the woman’s looking down at her belly

you know something about decisions don’t

be scared just put wiener on her stomach or something

yeah i don’t know well i just i’ve been

thinking of like oh i need to find a use for the wiener

sticker but it’s like i can just

paint over it like it can still sew

now i’m looking to see

cause it’s 10 feet by 4 feet that’s a lot of

vinyl that’s fun next time you do that let me

videotape it

okay that’d be hilarious guys are both

going to jail i’ll do it

anyway this documentary

here’s the important part about it

it’s about this

what’s made is called exit through the gift shop yeah

it’s this camera guy

he fucking is this

crazy french guy that just videotapes

everything and he has

boxes and boxes and

boxes and boxes of tapes you know of mini dv tapes

and then one day he was like bored and

he was like i might

wanna become an artist like this

he ended up doing this show and

selling art from thousands and thousands

of dollars and just pretty much proved that like

his art this guy hired

other people to do all his artwork and

paintings and

sculptures and stuff

so it wasn’t even

him doing the art he was hiring people to do all these

pieces of art and then became an artist from that

and it’s like

it kind of like

that’s what the

point of the

movie was like how

crazy that journey is well

they’re different

what is art you know

there are different

opinions on the

movie too a lot of people

think the whole

thing is just some banksy hoax

where he made all that art i see that

the camera guy

was fake like this is all just a big put on i see that

and it could be i mean and then there’s

other theories

where it’s like oh well

that guy was real but that was all just banksy’s art

i don’t know

but it’s all such a

great documentary

really fucking

love that that good yeah that good it’s good netflix

streaming too so

watch it on your iphone on a shitter

there’s too many

things to watch i just all win a bag

oh man have you seen that

no that’s that guy who is the salesman the illusionist


i want it’s well there’s a documentary

about him really

yeah they went and

found it was pretty it’s good it’s

it’s a good documentary yeah

wow it is it was pretty so


about this guy

well i mean it’s

funny they show all

those old clips you

know of him

all the outtakes of him losing his shit and

so the guy tracks him down

and he’s like this very kind of zen

dude and he like hangs out with him for a day

then he gets home and

starts getting all

these weird messages from him like how

that was a fucking

put on like the guy’s kind of nutty and angry

it’s just an interesting documentary it’s just the guy

then the guy like yeah i don’t know he called

i’m confused he

calls that back

so he calls

him back and says that that was a put on yeah

he’s like that wasn’t really

me i’m fucking like he’s got problems and he’s angry

he’s just like kind of

yeah he’s a little nutty

but it’s good it’s actually yeah it’s

weird and tight because

yeah it’s a good documentary just it’s a

there’s a lot of nutty motherfuckers out there

how about this crazy guy that went nutty in arizona

yeah yeah i don’t know much

about it i mean i know what happened but i don’t

i haven’t been reading these bonkers

they talked to his classmates

classmates were terrified of them thought he was

gonna shoot people how old was he he’s probably young

his youtube

videos his youtube videos

freak me the fuck out that you posted there

come there’s complete

disconnect in his youtube videos it’s like he’s just

not making any sense whatsoever it’s just a

weird strange just

pile of words hot pots

together wasn’t there anybody inside

it’s just strange very strange

was he just like isolated

from society

didn’t he have like family or friends he had

family he lived with his parents i believe

he was just really crazy

obviously there’s

some sort of a serious mental imbalance and he

just went nuts

and people are blaming on

sarah palin

cause sarah palin had

these website

where she had all

these people

that we were

targeting like we got to get rid of

these people in your district campaign

against them and she had like

targets on them

like little bullseye

targets like they were in

gun sites exactly yeah

yeah gun sites that’s the

right word not

targets that be what you would hit

right yeah but

the whole the whole

thing behind it you know

it’s just such a fucking strange debate

you know well

it’s like yeah

you really do have a certain responsibility you

gotta recognize

that the shit you’re saying is flammable

you know and not everybody’s

gonna be able to handle it

and there’s a certain amount of nuts out there

that if you put certain thoughts in

their head yeah they

might do something really fucking

crazy and they

haven’t done it before you

might be the

straw that breaks the camel’s back

you know you go putting bullseyes on people or you know

gun sites on people and

there’s somebody out there that

might just that’s it that’s all they need

and they go yeah it’s not is it your

fault that they’re that fucked up

absolutely not

but you got a certain amount

of fucking responsibility when you’re in the public eye

in a position like that

crazy bitches

yeah you know she someone’s

gonna talk to her

so he’s gonna let her know

like you can’t encourage violence you can’t do that

because you know that’s

you’re in a bad

your people are

savages all right

you know your people

look i would guarantee

they think that 41 percent

of americans believe that the

earth is less

than 10 000 years old this is a recent gallup

hole 41 percent

it’s i can’t like i

i’m so shut off like i mean it’s so disheartening it’s

scary right but

think about

those people

they can vote just like you and i can oh dude yeah so

sarah palin

if she if she connects

you know with

those people

and she rides this wave of retards

like that’s

the numbers are very high it gets real

spooky i think ten years from now like there’s

gonna be a president in

office that makes george bush like look like a fucking

genius like and

sarah pitt like we’re not that far away

things are being diluted so much

and people are just

being dumbed down and dumbed down like i’m dumbed out

i used to be able to tell you a hundred

phone numbers

yeah i know my mom’s

phone number i

could probably

i probably know five

phone numbers now

yeah and that’s stretching it it’s probably more like

three i totally agree

but people but

these like generations were just being born

with never having to

learn a phone

number never having to retain

information because they have google and they have

it’s like yeah in ten years if there is a ten years

uh they’ll be

sarah palin

for president won’t like i mean yeah there’s

gonna be someone like her just some fuckin

i want to you it’s

like it’s real obvious that we’re moving in a direction

where things are

becoming more complex and

things are becoming more

technologically advanced

but at the same time people are getting so fucking soft

it’s almost like there’s two races going on

you know there’s a race the deevolution race

where we just fucking dissolve into

some blob like creature

and you know

the higher form

where they figure out how to you know

abandon and

the ego and transcend the

human body and

download consciousness

into computers and shit like that

i mean these

are two directions that are

going at the same time

people are devolving to the

fattest laziest cunts in the

world live in america

and then at the same time you know and

you know america’s supposed to be one of the biggest

first world

countries right

at the top of the heat when

the country’s fat

when there’s

money and when there’s

technology the

evolution is at a fucking staggering pace

well it’s why i feel like the

you know the people who are evolving like it’s just all

these people like the sarah palin

type people the people were behind that that’s like

they’re just they’re clinging

their speed bumps in their

tools like there it’s easy to

i don’t know manipulate like

it’s like there’s a some kind of

power that doesn’t want like people to

evolve like it’s easier to control people if they stay

stupid so it’s like well there’s

never gonna be

but they wanted they want it to they

want to be controlled i mean people get it’s comforting

that’s what it is it’s fucking comforting

you know when you have a certain box that you’ll

think in and that’s it

there’s no thinking outside that box

jesus is right here and there’s nothing

above that right

there you go

you don’t have to

think anymore you’re done

you have much more resources at your disposal

you don’t have to

think about shit

so for a lot of people it’s like a

managing the mind tool

you know for a lot of people it’s like

for them it’s like you you questioning any of

their shit it’s like you’re fucking up my mind

model right

you know and they get

angry at you you’re making me

sick already

jesus they’re

angry because like

their days are just filled with

sexual repression and

guilt and fucking you know it’s like so

crazy yeah so

they need to channel all that

towards you know

some fucking

dreadlock guy

and a cat in the hat hat fucking

yeah you gotta meet that guy he’s got something for you

you might you

might wanna make a separate trip

meet him in the parking lot

he’s got the bigger bag

bump this record

store by my

house is closing down

and it’s like i don’t even

think you can go to a record

store anymore but

you go stores like a

horses bro yeah okay

it’s i took

i need a fucking horse

yeah cars now

i like i like it though too i like

going to record

stores i like

going to video

stores to like i don’t have netflix like

oh i can’t do

video anymore it’s just i don’t

know i like kind of part of it is just like i’m just

gonna go goof off like i did in high

school like go to a fucking record

store get high

and i’m just

i don’t even know what i’m here for let’s see let’s

browse like

let’s find some gem

but like with netflix like alright well i’m

ordering you

know a few good men and

you know i have this queue of

everything that’s coming to be my

entertainment for the next

and itunes same

thing it’s like oh let’s just walk around amoeba

look through the discount lps and

yeah it’s like oh wow this is fucking

some shit i

never would have thought of to buy

yeah amoeba is a fantastic

place for that that’s a

great place

you know i like

going through uh

video stores too i like

going looking like in the horror section like what kind

of crazy shit you got in here that i

never heard of yeah

you tweeted

about um that

devil movie i

think yeah like

shyamalan i wanna

see that man i was pleasantly surprised

a lot of people got

angry on me on twitter

yeah after i said that they got

angry at me

they didn’t like it

like that fucking

movie suck cock

man i wanna see it people got violent

i tried to read it last

week but i was with a girl fucking girls don’t like

scary movies

you’re dating the

wrong girls

the girls that are willing to date

brian love scary

movies yeah

they’re all

well then maybe that says a lot because i

think i date pretty cool girls yeah

but yeah i’ve

never been with a girl that’s in this

third yeah they

never want to see

scary movies

any girl i’ve ever been

involved with i think

hmm i fucking love

scary movies oh i love them too they were all

scary i’m so

happy i don’t i don’t like em you know what i

would love every movie

about an animal that eats people

and they’re trying to

fight it off

do you know like the

ghost in the darkness

keep making more versions of the

ghost in the

darkness i just want lions that eat people i

think maximum overdrive is pretty sweet

remember that one was a big

green goblin

fucking semi

truck came to life

and ate and

tried to run over emilio estevez

yeah i love that

and i remember this

and i also like ac

dc did was that

based on a stephen king book yeah

no it wasn’t a book it was his

first screen

no it was the

first movie he ever

wrote specifically for the screen i

like that maybe

and one of my

second favorite horror

movies was christine’s i just like cars

cars coming to

horror movies shit i love the whole

the change in the dude

or he’s this real nerdy guy

and then he gets this car and then all of a

sudden the car

fucking turns him into this

badass cool

motherfucker who’s

super confident and

that was creepy man the

book is fantastic too his

books are great like

i read a shitload of stephen king books in high school

especially when he was doing coke

back in those days the

blackout days

he doesn’t remember a lot of the books that he

wrote like the

tommy knockers

one of my favorites

he doesn’t even remember writing that

i don’t think i read

tommy knockers

that dude was just he was just

pounding beer

doing lines and just writing the craziest shit ever

was he in creep

show like he acted in christian

right the guy that

gets covered yeah

and he was his acting was so

funny the faces he made

it’s so weird to

watch that scene

he’s crazy it’s

funny man because i remember when i was a kid and i

would tell people that i

would read stephen king

they almost like dismiss you

it’s like you’re not real serious

about your writing

right you know why aren’t you reading doschaevsky

or something

you know why aren’t you reading you know some some a

classic novel

cause there’s no fucking killer

clown that comes out of the fucking

drain and kill you

it was the shit

i love those fucking books man they’re good they’re fun

they’re exciting

but but you know

yeah i would like

to mock you they

would mock you your mind

yeah but it’s like

it’s fucking he’s

good that’s why he’s popular like bill i fucking i like

billy joel like

on iran’s billy joel’s fucking

great you know and it’s like i love old

billy joe we’ve talked about

in the podcast a

bunch of times really a

bunch of times i’m glad

people are talking

about yeah i’m a fan

because when i was a kid i loved

billy joel yeah that

stuff that he

started making like uptown girl

and all this i was like well

where you go

yeah there’s some clunkers

buddy the uptown girl yeah that

the shit did

like piano man

that is like some of the

greatest songs ever

yeah well the stranger

is like a great

album great

album that’s

almost every song on there is a fucking hit

and they’re all good

fifty second streets good

glass houses is kind of that’s when it

started to make the

the turn into the more kind of

poppy i think pressure on

glass houses

great song great song

yeah he’s a bad


she yeah but then you know

that all their

stuff i couldn’t hang with that uptown girl type shit

yeah and i was like what are you

doing raped one of my

heroes what’s the matter with the clothes on

dude that wasn’t

bad i like that song i thought that’s all

you know it was it was kind of

he kind of went into this like doo wop

50s kind of thing but

there was like a

thing in the 80s too

where the 50s kind of were cool

again like was that back to the future

i guess maybe

back to the future made it like that and

still rock and roll to me man that’s a good pop song

i doesn’t doesn’t bother

me yeah the uptown girl even

i mean uptown girls shouldn’t even bother me

see the guy was in love you got some

supermodel pussy

yeah she just let him go

crazy for he

was you know he was banging l macpherson

before that

was he yeah he was just on howard

stern recently such

a bad motherfucker he is he

yeah he really fucking told him some

talent always fucking

his casting couch

he was like an ugly john mayer

it’s like if john mayer and danny devito

had a kid more handsome than i when he was

young do you ever watch

do you follow danny devito on twitter yeah i do

what’s up with that i don’t want to see his toe anymore

oh come on man look at his toe he’s danny devito

i know what happened to

these stuff is toe

danny devito if you want to show me your toe bro

i will look at it respect

just once in a while

a fucking legend

and i’m just gonna show you

still you gotta look at it i love danny devito

i’m just kidding

if you were in front of that

who’s that fucking

guy that got caught with the shotgun in the bank

what’s that fucking oh

from the larry sanders yeah yeah

yeah rip rip

torn rip torn

yeah trip torn rip torn

is that his name

yeah i feel like that’s a gay guy

that’s ruth taylor

the guy with the

crazy mustache

at the end of the jackass

movies yeah

i saw the funniest shit last

night and this is so old and i’m sure

i know you probably

haven’t seen but you’ve probably seen a million times

have you ever seen the old yogi bear

that the original artist of the old ren and stimpy’s

was hired by cartoon network to redo a

hour of yogi bear

no and it they just made yogi

bear fucking

crazy and boo boo goes

turns into his like

raging bear

instead being a nice guy becomes like a real bear

like it’s like john crick of felicia

guy and he’s like sick

with rabies and then he grabs yogi’s wife and they like

start making out with like

these trippy tongues it’s the most

fucked up yogi bear

ever and i was sitting at home stone last

night and i thought it was a normal yogi bear

i just started

watching i was like what the fuck is

wrong with yogi

it is trippy

wow it’s amazing that that

hanna barbera let

their character like

which is used to be a kids cartoon character

into the hands of a written stimping

awesome maybe

maybe they lost

money in the financial crisis

they’re trying to

yeah i don’t know

it’s called

what is hanna

barbera is called a

stupid theory tightening

her it’s called boo boo goes wild

is hanna barbera

really an entity anymore

do they still make cartoons cartoon

network does that right

hanna barbera i mean did they just sell

their cartoons

we know that did they produce them anymore

i think they combined

with the cartoon

network or something like that now they

are the cartoon network like it’s probably like viacom

you know how strange is it when you

watch those old cartoons

like when you

watch with the

super violent ones the

super violent

bugs bunny ones with

shooting each

other and daffy

duck’s bill

would get shot around backwards

you get shot in the fucking face man yeah yeah

you know it’s like but now you could

it’s a weird

thing because

you can still show

those cartoons

but you can’t make a cartoon like that now

can make or they just

like i mean are

there they would

never hear that i mean if you did it it

would be some

crazy shit that you

would have to have unlike

you know maybe

south park there’s like ren and stimpy

on the simpsons

where they kind of do that in with

in a cartoon

family guy if i was

itchy and scratch yeah but

these are for us

like these shows are for

adults so was the


for adults yes it was

the flintstones

and that’s what i grew up with is flintstones yeah

was a that was like a version of the

honeymooners yeah

right they were trying to do

yeah cartoon

yogi and boo boo were kind of like a version of the

honeymooners to really

yeah a little

cramden and

yeah yeah it was such

a fun pairing that they

tried to redo it a

bunch of different yeah

and snagglepuss was a faggot what

brand texas

states left even

droopy dog and boo boo had the same voice

yeah that’s right he was an actor brian

wasn’t necessarily gay yeah just cause you get off the

stage to the left doesn’t mean you’re gay

and then that was the side of it

to mercatroy but you just got flavor

you just got flavor

stage left even

well that was kind

of a certain type of celebrity back then in the 60s and

stuff like you had like liberace and

who’s the guy what’s his fucking name paul

lin paul lin yeah you

gotta do the head thing

yeah but it was an unspoken

thing we’ve always

people have always loved gay people

you know in entertainment

there’s always been

the gay guy that america loves

right now there’s always been a few

but they never talked

about kids cartoon

it must have been so

terrible for

gay people back then to just not be able to be out

about it at all

because it’s not like

today well you

could just be

walking around with your boyfriend elton john could

bring his boyfriend to some dinner

hold hands you know

ricky martin is on the

cover of people magazine

him and his boyfriend you know they both have

their babies together and they’re

holding hands and shit like that’s all cool too you

could not do that in the 1950s man

no it’s not possible

it was an unspoken

thing even if you

looked like the gayest

motherfucker that ever walked the face of the

earth like liberace

yeah you would have a billion people insisting

that you are a straight person yeah why aren’t you

married yet lee

oh man talk shows and stuff

they would always ask oh i

haven’t met the

right woman

did you see the kids cartoon

there’s a kids

cartoon called adventure time have you ever seen that

which is a straight up

lsd trip every episode is just

take mushrooms and that’s what the cartoon is well

my initial question was why do you

think it is that they were allowed

to show violence like that back then but now we can’t

we can’t lick

that shit at all

because back in the day it was cowboys and indians you

know it was always you’re

grown up with

a gun in your hand and you’re the bad guy when

you were a good guy like a war kind of

thing i think it was

more acceptable back then

war and all that because you grew up during

world war one and

world war two

there’s wars

going on right now

look how close it

is so funny

those two like it’s

funny to watch a guys

you know face blow up and it’s all black and

you know fucking his hairs all

sticking back

like that’s

funny but dust

is coming off the top of them

yeah it’s the funniest shit ever

yeah but then i

guess people

started suing people because

their kids like hit

their fucking one kid hit

another kid

with a frying

pan yeah i have

heard of that happening i have

heard of a kid that hit a kid with a frying pan

cause he thought that he

could do that because of cartoons

yeah that’s called

watch your kids you lazy cunt he’s picking up a

frying pan don’t let him

swing it at the four year old i just wanted

to see the head boner

remember the head boner that used

to pop up it was like a boner that came out

oh my god i do remember that

and those birds would

fly around that pan

they fucking love trees and

river tree branches and grow out of it

smoking trees

those fucking shows were

great man yeah i

think it’s just

funny when you like saw a guy like the

three stooges you know you have a saw and

curly’s acting

up and you just saw him in the head yeah the

weird question though is how come it’s okay to

watch those now like you can have

those now in the cartoon network with all the

explosions and all the shit is

going off but you

could not make a new cartoon like that for kids

i don’t know man because i’ve

like i was saying i’ve been

watching these cartoons lately they’re fucking

crazy now you know there’s

really it’s a lot i mean gi joe is a lot different

than it was back

then you know

it’s crazy don’t

ask don’t tell

shit going on

chest hair duke has chest hair now his dick suck

duke has chest hair now duke has chest hair now

you’re like the paul linda of this show yeah he is

he’s straight as fuck too

he’s fighting

you could see it online i saw a clip of him

he used to be on hollywood squares all the time

and the question the guy asked me goes so paul

when a man falls off of a boat they say man overboard

what do they say when a

woman falls off a boat and he goes

full speed ahead

jesus christ

full speed ahead

so funny dude

i wanna listen

to paul linde he has a halloween special that’s

supposed to be insane it’s hard to get a copy of it

but it was like 1976

maybe he did this

halloween special for cbs that’s supposed to be this

insane really this gay guy that i knew from boston

who was one of

those gay guys and

never really

would say he was a gay guy on

stage we talked

about his girlfriend on stage

but he was really gay guy

really fascinating character but he he said

first time i ever saw of a john i was like oh

when is it gonna heal

i can actually said that that’s

when’s it gonna heal

yeah don’t trust anything that

bleeds wait was

she on a period

cause then that

could no gash

yeah no i know

you know yeah

yeah it’s a

weird it’s a weird hole

i was out with this girl the

other day that had she doesn’t like wearing

underwear and she has a hole in her pants

right where her pussy is and you don’t notice it

until like she sits down and she doesn’t cross her legs

and see some pubes or just some

her pussy just right there it’s ridiculous

her pussy’s got like pollutants on it yeah

i go up and print

a cloth and i go

why do you have this because i just like these

jeans and it’s kind of cool you get to air out your

pussy and everything’s supposed to

have your pussy out there

rubbing against a park bench the world

park bench pigeon

shit plastic seat at mcdonald’s at some

homeless dude just fart on wow mrs rodriguez

it appears you have pigeon shit inside your vagina

any idea how this happened

it’s just blueberries

a black hole it’s trying to suck dicks in there

and anything else that’s

close it’ll

take anything cat what is it that pigeon shit

it’s like a shop

vac yeah just shop

vac for cock

vagina is just sucking in pigeon shit pigeon

shit acorns shit it’s got acorns and pussy

pussy vagina sucking

liars birds

birds stuck up there

flyers that were

stuck under people’s windshields and they

throw them on the fucking ground it’s all stuck fucking

postcard size you

should go to jail if you’d make flyers you fuckhead

yeah you know i was

thinking about making a website

cause i just got another one on on my

street too and it’s some for some computer

thing but i wanna make a website of like don’t support

these companies like

every place

that fucking it’s

annoying to me man because now i have to take i don’t

wanna did litter yeah it’s my responsible

car put it on my car

yeah it’s you

fucking shithead i’m not getting you you’re not

cleaning my carpet no hmm

clean my fucking carpet

no i’ll call

everyone else before the fucking nuisance who put a

thing under my windshield

wiper now i

gotta deal with i

gotta throw your

trash we’re

just trying to get our business out there isn’t it

funny you don’t

ever get attacked by one you get attacked by six like

you know yeah

usually it’s not just one little flyer if you get

one little flyer you get like them in your side windows

also different company

but you know what it

might be the same company i wonder how many people

hire a service to go spam

i mean there must be some sort of a service that

flyers it must be

right yeah it’s like some kind of

street team yeah

some guys on

rollerblades in a

mail sack shoulder bag

just make a deal with a

bunch of different businesses and say hey we’ll

print up little cards for you

we’ll go out my

street team

yeah some dudes we pay four

bucks an hour

yeah because it was a

street team that was like part of the when i had

a cd at warner brothers it was my

first cd and

there was like

a marketing

budget and part of the marketing

budget was a

street team

where they could go out

and fucking fucking

vandalize yeah

put stickers out and hand out people

you know hand out posters and shit put them

on walls and hand out cd packets like your spam yeah

you just put

little cards down at the coffee shop

postcards with your

picture on them

is that cd marking this

one is that the one with the

where the two guys are working out and

start buttfucking

brian count

yeah it’s me and my friend brian

count oh okay

yeah i’ve heard that

they play that on serious a lot actually

yeah howard

still plays that

oh yeah that’s

right it was howard yeah yeah

thank you howard it is uh

the one thing that

would have happened was that we made a cd

or i made a cd and i wanted to make a

sketch that

it was so fucked up

you could only hear

it it wouldn’t be

funny to see you would

watch these guys really fuck each other

but there’s something funny

about it was so ridiculous yeah

because there’s always guys like if you’re around

any people that are like real bodybuilder type people

once they start

complimenting each other

on different portions of

their body like

you cross this

weird line you

might as well just

start kissing each

other right


weird it’s weird man they

start talking

about the adults man the way they’re coming in

delta are amazing

that’s just a line bro from the pec to the delt

that’s beautiful symmetry

right there you

think so you think so

never had that talk in my life oh man it’s

weird the bodybuilder talk is

weird talk man

sitting next to a dude and all of a

sudden you realize he shaves his legs

and you go oh snap son yeah

what’s going on up ya

yeah i’m so distant from that

it’s a weird

thing man i’m trying to develop my calves man i want to

avoid getting the implant

just trying

to you know trying to bulk them up a man it’s hot i’m

super setting i’m doing a lot

we think about my calves

so there’s like a dude who’s on his knees

staring at dudes calves going

you know it’s not as bad as you think man

it looks small bro

i’m telling

you they’re not that bad bro it’s it’s you know

frank zane had very

small calves

you just want to suck a cock that’s what they

really want to do they want to just dive on in there

yeah or they just

we had those guys in high

school that were really concerned

about their

bodies and working out so

to the much that there was this one guy that had those

popeye calves

where it was just like this huge

bubble and as like a 16 year old kid you just be like

can’t even wear

pants up man

what’s wrong

with this guy

well some people just have calfs like that

my dad has these

giant calves and he

doesn’t work out at all

he doesn’t do shit

he’s fucking big like

they’re twice as big as mine just like

his natural

calves my dad kind of has big calves

abs like that too

soft some people just have

weird ones soft

and i got a soft milky way

some people just have freak leg muscles man they

probably got some lot of neanderthal in them you know

somehow had some freak leg muscles

yeah that’s what i think

yeah all right

this podcast is also sponsored by marijuana can’t tell

ladies and gentlemen the tangents we’re going off

calf muscles

fucking neanderthals and shit

oh yeah oh yeah but your

sketch that’s how we

started on that

what did we start off with your cd the thing where you

brian callum fuck

each other yeah there’s something gay

about being really into your body but

the reason why it

starts though

because chicks like it that’s what happens

boys found out

boys find out that it makes

other men jealous when they have muscles and that

girls like it so then they get obsessed with their body

but then somewhere

along the line or

spending too much time with

other dudes

you know spotting them

while they’re squatting

yelling in their ear and just

grunting and there’s just

pleasure all the pleasure chemicals are connected to

this well then you find like when you’re getting laid

you’re checking yourself out more in the

mirror when

you’re ready to

check you’re banging you know

that’s gotta happen

right well that’s like

never done well you got to

check out some of you

like you want to

check out look at my

penis going you

know that’s

right there

that’s right there

mmm i want the

lights out and i want to see anything

that’s a creepy one

they want the

lights out yeah i’ve only had a couple girls ever in my

whole life say they want the

lights totally out

like what we can’t even

look at each other yeah

that’s part of the fun

now i gotta get an

infrared camera for this room that was some

that was some

boston catholic guilt shit

stuck in some poor

chick’s head

right catholic

i kind of like the

lights a little low i don’t like it

right you don’t like

we don’t like when it’s bright

you know like maybe a

fluorescent tv or

lamp well as long as you can

clearly make out body

shapes and shit

yeah yeah yeah

clearly look at each other

why are we all looking at each

other but there’s nothing

wrong with banging in the daylight either

huh yeah i like the morning sex of the best sex

oh the catholic guilt that’s what i

were you brought up catholic

yeah yeah me too

you a little bit but not from now

first grade was the last

the last of it

i went to a catholic

school and it was so horrible that

my parents were getting divorced

at the same time they sent me to this catholic school

and i went from nothing i didn’t go to kindergarten

anywhere i just went

right to first

grade first

grade catholic

school this fucking

crazy nun she was so evil

they’re crazy

so evil and so

vivid vindictive

and mean and you

know and just intimidating to children

yeah that any ideas that i had

about religion just stopped dead

right dead straight there i was like there is no way

this bitch is

talking for god like this is all craziness yeah

these are all

crazy people when you’re around them you

feel terrible you got to get the fuck away from them

and you can see the hypocrisy and see the

anger and see here the shit that they were talking

about when they were

you know when the priest was on

stage talking

and the difference

between that and the way they were acting

yeah this is like this is insanity like this is a

torture colony

you’re just fucking kids heads

up it is yeah it does it fucks you up i did it for

eight years

first through eighth grade

and when i was in

second grade this is one of the most fucked up things

i was in second

grade and i was in the

they do like that passion play that

it’s like this

thing they do around easter

where like a

bunch of kids you put on a little play or whatever

right and so i was like in whatever this chorus

thing and one of my friends

jimmy was an apostle

and we’re at rehearsal in church and

they’re playing some

music and there’s some like acoustic guitar

in the in the song

so i try to get

jimmy’s attention i get his attention and go like yeah

like make believe i’m

seven you know

right and and then

sister diane this woman

starts like stops

everything starts

screaming at me this is god’s house

you don’t behave like that in god’s house

like yells at me

embarrasses the shit

makes me feel like shit i go home and she’s doing it

right when my mom’s coming to pick me up to

which is also like oh

great my mom see me getting

screamed at

cause i got in

trouble a lot

but either way so i go home

next day i’m back in school

and somebody comes across

like sister diane

wants or she comes and she’s like oh

sister diane wants to see you in the hallway

and i walk out of the

class seven years old and

i even remember to when i’m walking out i did like a

funny dance to try to make one of my friends laugh

or yeah make one of my friends laugh

as soon as i get out in the hallway

she grabs me by my tie and like picks me up and she’s

like you you don’t do that in god’s

house this is a day

later she’s like

screaming at me

about what i did in church the

night before

i just yeah

and i like just

burst into tears like i mean i’m

seven somebody just i forgot

about the whole fucking incident it’s the next day

and she grabs me and gets in my face and

and yeah it

makes me cry and then i have to go back in my

class all fucking

everybody could tell i’m crying

that’s crazy i’m glad i didn’t grow there are

a bunch of fucking

dykes who are not

i’m not whatever

lesbians a lot of

lesbians are nice

their their their

issue is that they

first of all they’ve committed something

completely and

totally irrational and by time you become a certain age

you start to

realize that you have to shut off parts of your

brain in order to live this crazy

you know semi monastic lifestyle well they’re living

a lie like they really want to lick each

other’s pussies but they’re like well we’re

gonna go to hell if we do that so we need to

again like channel this fucking energy

oh that kid just fucking spit

on the ground let’s go beat the shit out of him with a

ruler and make

him say prayers and kneel on

chalk and all kinds of weird

shit they made up

yeah and you know there’s

a lot of people that they’re defended and they say hey

you know my church was not like that and we were

okay i believe

you and i’m not saying that it’s all like that

but goddamn a lot

of us had to go

through with it

some people went

through a good catholic program and it was okay but

maybe even they’re willing to tolerate a lot of shit

that you and i

wouldn’t there’s a certain amount of rules

that you just say well that’s the way the

rules are and for a lot of people they’re like hey why

fight the rules

for most comics most people have the mind of a

comic yeah you know

it’s like this real

stupid what is this rule why is this here yeah

in catholic

school squashes

all that shit well and they don’t tolerate silliness

like you know like

cause i wasn’t a fucking like

given teachers i wasn’t like one of

those kids like fuck you

right i just was like

yeah just trying to make my friends

laugh and like i didn’t give a fuck about

what they were talking

about i just wanted to make my friend john

laugh with this fucking

picture i drew or face i’m making or

penis it produces people i draw a lot of

dicks always guilty and joyless that’s what it predicts

produces or then slots guys

like us who fucking i mean i’ve been thinking

about actually reading that

war of art book too

not that they really talk

about it in there but

i’m starting to recognize like i’m like i

think i am kind of fucked up like it seems cliche

like to be fucked up from this catholic shit that was

cram down your

throat when you’re a kid

but it’s like yeah i think i do

i am kind of

fucked up from that like there’s certain kind of like

insecurities and like

cause i got in

trouble for fucking goofing off all the time and now my

whole life is goofing off

your professional but

then i feel guilty

about it or like do you really

yeah like i feel

yeah how do you feel guilty do you feel guilty like

hey this isn’t like a

legitimate way to make a living you

should be do something like what do you feel guilty

about well i’ll um

sometimes well this is kind of a

whole different can of worms but

i do think that this it’s like it’s really

self absorbed

self serving

selfish kind of

like ninety percent of my brain powers

thinking about me and what i’m doing you know

right and so i do think it’s kind of an empty

existence sometimes it’s like well you know

maybe you should just be helping people you know

like actually really doing some instead of fucking

worrying about

you know taping the fucking set on a tv show like

right right

four minutes of jokes

but also like

yeah i just like

i know there’s like kind of a

weird kind of fear of

success i think i have from it too

where it’s like

cause i’m always like saying well i’m not good enough

right cause everybody was telling me i’m a fucking

idiot when i

was a kid and then knock it the fuck off right

and now it’s like oh like there’s

weird kind of it’s a mixed bag like

yeah you feel like you’re

fighting against it all the time like you’re

swimming upriver

or i’m playing chicken with something you know

where it’s like you know oh here’s where i

wanna be or here you know like

yeah playing chicken with

success or whatever where it’s just like oh

right when i’m getting to it i’m

gonna fucking flinch because i don’t have the fucking

balls or the you know

confidence or you know shit that was kind of tried

to be shaking out of me when i was a kid yeah i

think that’s a real valid

point man i

think you know

especially seeing little children growing up now

you know being around my

daughters and seeing how they evolve like as little

human beings and how you’re programming your input

shapes out their confidence

shapes the way they do

things like i’ve seen my little daughter

change from

being scared

to be around kids to being like really social

like a short period of time

like like fearless like dives into

groups of kids and

starts playing

and it’s really like a slow metamorphosis

of just communicating with her and showing her you know

how to be around people and what’s fun and

you know just

getting to kind of like

give them a

framework of how to

think about

things but the

framework that you get from the catholic

school is so jacked

it’s so you’re bad

guilt you’re terrible person you’re an

illegitimate person you’re gonna

shame your parents

you’re shaming god it’s all this like

fuck you suck it’s all it’s just

this terrible fucking

over overpowering suppression feeling you

know that’s

crazy because my my

whole religion growing up was

completely a hundred percent different than that kind

of shit ours

you just go

sunday and what

kind of was

teaching christian lutheran

lutheran yeah

but it was more like

mellow was like

so here’s what we believe and let’s just talk

about it cool so you go to

you didn’t go to like a lutheran

school or no no i just went to

my folks weren’t like

crazy religious like i had to go to church on

sundays up until

you know i was

14 like when they were like i’m not fucking

arguing with you anymore do whatever you want but

my folks weren’t like

super religious this is all the

school shit like

these nuns and priests and

yeah well it’s i mean yeah nobody’s

cracking any fucking case saying that the catholic

fucking religions fucked up i mean yeah well

you know it’s

just interesting that i’ve talked to so many

different people that have gone through some sort of a

troubling religious

background ari

shafir with

judaism yeah

ari was like

a serious practitioner we read the talmud like 12

hours a day and you know

he was living

in israel i mean like he went deep with it so we

got a caller on the line

it’s not gonna work

in here anyway man there’s no signal in here it will

sound terrible

it’s doug stan hope

you wanna try

i’m getting

away my bars just went away yeah

there’s not much signal up here

we could try fucking stripper ass phone

ah trying to get a call up here with

t mobile son

hey douglas me boy

it’s joe rogan

we’re doing our podcast

right now oh

what are you doing brother what’s going on

no this is me

oh yeah i guess you get it

yeah that’s what now everybody knows they’re

gonna rip me off

people gonna get your

phone number

another call with a fake accent you fucking post

it online every day do you really give out your

phone number man

i saw those guys who interviewed you on the internet

some dude just showed up at your

house and you gave him the directions to your house

they drove from

vancouver canada

wow and you didn’t know nothing about this dude

no no i just kept ignoring his emails until he said

i’m outside of la i should be there sometime

at the morning i hope to run into you

at that point of yard

let’s give crazy break

douglas you’re an original my friend

well i just want to say a long time listener first time

what’s the phrase that pays

uh joe rogan in the house what what what what

is this ralphie

may or we still on with thug stand home seriously

who is this

i put ralphie may on my celebrity deadpool

you think he’s gonna not gonna make it

i think he makes her through sheer force of will

and weed he’s gonna

come up with

twenty celebrity names that’s kind of pushed it

i traded louis black for tom

size more at the last minute oh nice that’s

good that’s a good trade louis black is fine

and he’s a good man and rooting for him

michael douglas is out of the out of the woods

yeah yeah that was

today’s news

it’s very strange

the new celebrity rehab coming back all

clean and sober to talk to the new

flunkies whoa

you know you’re

fucked when tom sighs was giving you advice

about turn your life around

did you watch the celebrity rehab i know you have

you’ve tweeted about dr drew

oh i yeah for years that’s my favorite hate

yeah i hate myself for watching every weekend

screaming at the screen and i

pause it and i yell at bingo about

have you been watching this year with the

chick the fuck tiger woods she’s my favorite


not even close

it’s like people’s moms and shit

it’s like some singer’s mom and some dudes are rich

his dad’s rich so he’s on his dad’s not even fucking

famous scott bacula’s niece

it’s fucking fascinating and then the girl who fucked

tiger woods who was just addicted to love

it’s fucking fantastic

are you in la again are you are you back yet


all right brother well

we’ll talk soon i’ll see you this week man for sure

my brother later talk to you later

ladies and gentlemen that was powerful doug stanhope

live via speakerphone that’s the

first time i’ve ever attempted this on the podcast

we’ve never done a


to microphone cell phone any prompt to

conversation that was

pretty good for yeah i mean we’re talking

about him earlier and it’s doug stanhope how

could you ever get anything better than that

he’s always gonna nail it

yeah yeah he’s always good he’s consistent

except one time when

i called in

to a seattle station instead of him

he was out of the country

oh yeah you were doing that for a

while that was

he did it once

or twice maybe

yeah we had

heard about that

that you had

done some interviews pretending to be him yeah

cause he was

i forget oh he was out

i think him and like andres and

shawcroft they was like

gonna be out in the woods or something and there was no

reception oh yeah that

thing they used to do that not there wasn’t the desert

party it was some

other thing

i forget what the fuck but either way

hannigan his manager called

oh do you want to

do a phone in for doug

his managers irish

he’s scottish scottish

you never met brian

i don’t mind

i must have

you ever see the video i put up a doug

where he couldn’t

make it to an interview at a car show so i put up

some local comic in san francisco

yeah and he played

the role of doug but he had sunglasses on and a hat

and it was so

funny because the guy was just saying the most

ridiculous things

you’re such a fun guy to know because he’s really doing

everything that i

you know he’s supposed to be doing

you know like guy gets a

vasectomy and

you know he lives in a fucking

crazy yellow

house in the middle of nowhere

he goes on the road he

doesn’t go to the comedy clubs instead he books

things on his own very rarely

going to comedy clubs

books things on his own and rock clubs

develops his own following on the internet becomes

totally self

sufficient yeah

he’s really doing

it you know he’s doing it the perfect way i mean he’s

that’s really doug you know

there’s no affectation

you know who he is he’s a genuine dude

so far have you been to his

place no you

should work

you wanna go for the

super bowl he’s having a party

i can’t go to work

super bowl weekend

it’s ufc oh that’s

right yeah we got on that too

maybe i could

fly in on sunday

maybe i could fly from the

ufc to you guys that

might actually be fun

that would be fun yeah

where’s how far away is it from an airport

tucson airport i

think is an

hour hour and a half two

sons of crazy ass

place huh that’s

where that kid came from that’s

right yeah yeah

that’s a wild west baby there’s

a there’s a

hotel there called the

hotel congress

in tucson and they have a

very serious doug

and i perform there they have a

it’s a cool performance

space but it’s like this old timing hotel like

dillinger somebody got captured there or something

or slipped i don’t know there’s like a lot

of you just at the

at that place i perform there

twice with doug

oh so he does

shows in tucson that’s cool mm hmm

wow does living

in arizona is he have like more of an arizona following

now does he have a lot of people that like it’s a

weird little town he lives in

no he doesn’t perform in his town right

he’s done a show i

think really yeah like long or two

who’s talking about

yeah him and rick shapiro

well i mean fuck we just had him on the

phone it’s all these

stories better than me

he told me i

think i think

you saying once about

how would be kind of

weird if you know they all saw

as like abortion joke then he has to run into of the


you know he has

these there’s um

some of his neighbors neighbor dave and evelyn

are just like two regular

evelyn works at the safeway dave works for frito lay

they’re just like

super nice people

but they’re like regulars regulars can be right and

and they’re like yeah doug’s best friends but

they it’s like

i don’t think they’ve seen too much of

what he’s like they know that he’s like a comedian and

i think he said he showed dave some

stuff and he’s like oh yeah that’s

you know but they call him

neighbor dave neighbor dave yeah

reference and if you read

i think neighbor dave was just in the hospital

for something

and doug was

doing one of those things

where he’s getting people to send them weird stuff

doug does not get the credit enough credit

it just doesn’t

doesn’t for just these genuine human beings pretty

respected across the board

yeah no i agree with that that’s not what i mean i mean

he should be

he should be stadiums

enormous yeah

you should be like one of the biggest guys ever

i mean yeah

it’s there’s like

i don’t know what it is it’s like for me

if you wanted to construct

if you wanted to construct a comedian that i

could go to see

as a lifelong stand up comedian

yeah you know doug stand ups a perfect guy

i know i’m gonna hear some

crazy take on something that i

either agree with or i could see his point and

he takes me to a

place i didn’t see

coming and it’s hilarious and it’s all well thought out

and it’s all

constantly evolving and it’s all always interesting

and it’s always real and it’s like god damn that is

stand up fucking comedy

like that’s the real shit

right there

there’s not many people like him

like seeing a doug stanhope show

that i could

think of there’s so many

there’s a few

comics man where i’m always like

how come the

whole world

doesn’t know

about nick depaulo

well you ever seen nicked

apollo kill

i’ve never seen

i’ve never seen nick live outside of

like montreal

short let me tell you something

when i was coming up when i was in like nineteen eighty

eight when i was doing open mike

nights nicked apollo was a couple years

ahead of me

and he was just a fucking killer

even then like he always had like sick timing and

great writing

and i went to see him

shit was a couple of years ago

he was doing one of the late

night shows what are you doing there brendan

wall so i can

lean back but i was trying to get that to pick up

he’s panicking

anyway i hadn’t

seen him in fucking forever and i almost forgot how

funny he was

yeah he just destroyed

destroyed and

everything’s got that fucking boston

thing going on you know

everything’s got that fucking boston accent yeah

is that hardness

talking about

people in katrina

not getting

rescued he goes

maybe they know

where to find if you

could fucking spell

he goes what does it say on the roof hep

hep you want some hep dip your

mouth in that water

i’m totally paraphrasing in the neck of you here

i apologize for butchering your joke i’m sure i did

but i was just like this motherfucker’s so

funny he’s just like so

that hard boston

style funny too just

bam bam bam

yeah a lot of good guys came out of that

yeah i’m hoping that with the new

media with you know

the internets and

podcasts and shit like that

i’m hoping that there’s

gonna be some people that get reintroduced to

a whole new group of

humans but there’s a lot of people like that like

you know like there’s

a lot of comics

that for whatever reason they just you know people lost

touch with them they

disconnected with them

because they didn’t get on you

know twitter they

haven’t done anything on comedy central in a long time

and people just sort of forget

that still go

down some guys

just fall between

the cracks somehow

where it’s some dudes get tired of it too

you know some dudes get tired of performing get

tired of writing

and then they fade off that’s a possibility too

yeah and a lot goes i mean you know if you get a

reputation as

being a fucking pain in the ass or coke head

or something

like yeah then

nobody’s gonna you know they’re

like that’s easier to give this guy a show who doesn’t

drink and shows up on time who cares if he humps a

stool for a fucking hour

i’m not talking

about anybody in

particular i’m just saying that like

i know what you

mean there’s some really i mean like rouse sean rouse

one of the funniest dudes on the planet like

what are you

gonna do with him though

you know like

nobody wants to babysit him on the road

right yeah he’s trying to

he’s totally

cleaned his shit up yeah i mean i’m

sorry yeah that

sounds awful

he’s just got

you know so many health problems too that’s the

problem but he

would get pretty like you know

a lot of clubs that

that he would work at that i’d be

afterwards you’re like oh did you hear

about what ross did

he was here and it’s

he could be a handful when he’s

drinking i guess

there’s always a dude there’s always a pablo francisco

story there’s always

yeah you’re totally going

crazy i don’t know pablo

is the best

i will say nothing

everybody has an insane

story about him like

everybody anybody who’s met him for two

seconds he’s such

a fucking he’s got such a good energy that guy

he’s always got this friendly

happy energy you know

like it remember

the other day

when we were at the improv

were you there

where he i was talking to him

before a show or something

he was outside he’s like so you do a lot of

videos oh yeah

he was like you

have a real conversation

no remember it

was like i said have a conversation with pablo and you

we won’t even know if you’re really talking right yeah

it was like talking to robocop

here we are

fun of the improv

tuesday night

that’s the way he

talks well he’ll just sometimes go into character and

just start oh he’s just

being always

it’s just having fun

it’s really

funny there’s certain

you know it’s so

funny man certain

comics just have good energy you

could just be around them

there’s other guys that even

funny even if they’re

funny just like

let me just keep the fuck away from you

until you go on

stage then i

watch in the back and

then i’ll get the fuck away from you when you get off

stage so i envy

those guys with the positive like

where everybody in the room’s 20

happier that dude showed up

cause i could be moody it’s like

well you know what i mean

like it’s like oh why aren’t i always just like hey

let’s have fun and

laugh all the time but

sometimes i’m like me

if you could do it all over

again you would

if you were an old man on your

deathbed and

someone said to you listen i can make you 20

again and you

could be living the

party all over

would be pro comedian a

stand up comic

out there running around

telling jokes having a good fucking time making people

laugh you know

right now what do you

think you would be

ecstatic yeah

rip for or you’d be like fuck man

ready to go meet god

yeah yeah and

turn to the next dimension you’re

gonna make me live this stupid

material life over again be

get inside a malkovich

so you can see it two ways but

i think if you did

wanna go back i mean you

would really

appreciate the fuck out of this yeah

oh i think about that all the time that there is

gonna be a last fucking day and like

you know it’s like well you’re not really fucking

going to nuts

it’s it’s you know what

we’re in a weird time because

right now life

you know the expectancy

is getting longer and longer because supplements

and exercise and taking care of your body and

you know medical

treatments and making sure that people are

you know you get

checkups on a regular basis so they

catch anything that’s fucked up yeah you know

and when when when people

start to live longer and longer and longer

at that and then they

start inventing new

things when they

start getting into like gene technology

getting into

you know milestone inhibitors for your body and

you know different forms of you know nanobots that

eradicate cancer and there’s

gonna be some

crazy shit in our lifetimes yeah

could easily extend

you know the average lifespan to like you know

maybe even like

150 years the average wealthy guy

can you imagine it trying to talk to some 20 year old

bitch when you’re 150

imagine if you’re

150 and you

still look like you were 30

you’re a hundred

fifty years old but for

whatever reason like that you like keep your body like

stallone style

fully prepared

and then you’re like a hundred and

fifty and try to talk to some

chick she’s like

twenty i’ve noticed lately a hundred and

thirty when you were born

could you imagine that conversation

shoot a hundred

fifty year old dude

you know you know the best no

i can’t i mean i can’t even hang out with

24 year old

chick really

the worst is when

friends have


and like i have some friends that are like in

their late 30s

and they’ll have a

girlfriend that’s in

their young

2019 and then all of a

sudden you’re all hanging out together

and you know and like the conversation takes these

left turns into walls and just

spins out like

why are you letting her hold the

steering wheel man this is

great you know we were having a

great conversation all of a

sudden went bang you’re into the rocks yeah just

cause you’re

fucking plowing her

like i don’t

come into the bedroom and try to fucking hang out

i don’t know i’m trying to

think we’re good enough

but it’s like

the only reason she’s here is

cause you like fucking

you know bouncing around your fucking cock well

i understand you know

giving it a try

you know that’s fine but

those bring

her to hang out when you’re like

some of them are

cool as long

as they’re not obnoxious you know what’s cool

about dating a girl that’s really

young is like

when you date like a 22 year old

haven’t seen a lot of the

movies that you know are guaranteed awesome

so if you want to have a good

night like hey this is you know has some wine has some

sticks and then we’re

gonna watch

you know name

movie here you know like just like

et or something you know

she would be like having a

great night so it’s so cool

cuz i love that words

like i was robbing the cradle

bitch and trying to come up with

with reasons

why that’s good there was a girl who didn’t know who

gene hackman was recently whoa

really and i was like yeah i mean i guess well

yeah she didn’t know who

gene hackman was

but i guess it’s


because it’s like oh yeah you were born in like

1990 my friend that i brought last

night didn’t know who dan

ackroyd was last

night and i was trying to show her

pictures of dan akron i’m like you’ve seen


right she’s like no

what’s ghostbusters

it’s such a weird

thing for guys if a guy’s a single guy and he’s looking

for a check

and if a guy’s like in his late 30s say

right and you’re looking for a check

if you you can go one or two ways you can either

go really young

where you got a kind of almost babysit him

we got a kind of look reteach him life and you know

hang i mean how many

times wait for that

break up with you in five years or yeah

that could be it or you know or you can go your age

and when you go your

age what a fucking risk that is

yeah you know what’s cool

about the young girls too is all

thirty six year old

chick there’s some bitterness involved in that

package most

of the time

someone’s angry at somebody and someone left somewhere

and someone promised me something and there was some

money that was supposed to come yeah and we were

gonna buy a

house together

and my car still

under his name and

there’s always

yeah desperate they want to get

their claws in

someone because they know like this

you know i’m sure he’s

right around the corner and they’ve been hurt before so

they’re defensive

you know yeah

i mean some

of them pulled together and you know they take yoga

classes and they get

their shit together and they go to

crossfit and

all sudden they’re reading books and

thinking healthy there’s

thirty six year olds that are

happy to be

i’m not saying they’re also

anything all of them

we’re doing is

you know i’m not saying if

it’s you out there and you fit this profile don’t get

upset well i

think that it is it’s i really sympathize with

women like they do have a lot of fucking

lot more problems that we do and

they can get pregnant

it’s unfortunate well yeah they can get pregnant

you’re stuck with

some like some guy who just and you

have it and you’re connected

to him forever and then you need him financially

i don’t even want to talk

about it because it makes me sad

it is very sad it just

bums me out that like oh

fuck that shit just

happened it’s

ridiculous that it

still works that way it

should be so

clear whether or not we have

babies or not

as my kids screaming

quiet please

anyway it should be so clear it shouldn’t be just some

random load

sneaks through and impregnates you it

should be like so super duper clear

yeah this should be like it should be difficult we

should make it more difficult to have

babies it’s easy to put

plan b in a person’s breakfast though

if they’re good

you’re killing them

you’ve disrupted the cycle

but if you kill even if it’s two cells

cook a breakfast

you know the life

but to finish that thought though it’s like i can

understand girls wanting

like getting desperate around like mid

thirties because

it sucks and it

sounds shitty to say but they’re just they fall off the

sexual radar

and like dudes

fucking just don’t for whatever reason like

they just can keep you know they can

leave their

fifty five year old wife for a

thirty two year old chick and

as long as the man successful

and he represents a position of

power where the

woman feels attracted to him because he can provide

yeah it’s almost always that fifty five year old

broke dudes aren’t worth shit but a

fifty five year old guy with a ferrari can get some

twenty year old pussy

just or even

just a decent

job you know like a guy who makes a hundred and fifty

grand a year or something you know or

yeah yeah it’s possible

if he’s a good guy you know find a

solid chick that’s in her 30s

yeah usually

doesn’t work the

other way around but the wife is kind of

you know it’s harder man

you know there was a

video that was online that i was talking

about and it’s

it was on twitter and i put it up there and it’s really

horrendous to watch

it’s really hard to

watch it’s this guy getting conned

by these nigerian scammers

he got conned out of 300 000

he’s not a rich guy

his pension

everything he ever

saved his entire life

and he got conned into

thinking that this porn star they put

pictures of this porn star

and send him all

these emails and

photos of her

but this was her

that he was communicating with her and then she needed

money and at one

point in time he was giving her 1

600 a day he

was going to

these nigerian scammers he flew to london 14 times

on 14 separate occasions to meet her but never

got in contact with her

like he would literally

fly all the way to london and go what the

where is she what the fuck what the fuck

fly back to

america fourteen times fourteen times he kept doing

it he kept doing it

he was so convinced that this girl was real like

somehow no they

they had him so convinced

yeah and they had like

the email logs

you know the show and how they went back and forth and

they just scammed this

motherfucker i mean

just rob at what

point is i don’t know

what i was saying on twitter was like this is just like

limping wildebeest

getting eaten

alive by hyenas

yeah that’s what it is this is some weak minded

crazy person yeah

you know who’s gotten old and gotten a bit soft

you know a little senile

i mean it happens

old people lose

their grip in reality

this guy was like deep in his 60s it looked like

and then all

sudden they just locked a hold of his brain and

rekindle that

spark of romance just the thought that

maybe it could be real

and that his

twenty three year old

fucking super hot porn star

really was in love with this old dope

because he was

sending her sixteen hundred dollars a day

i mean this guy was like

it happens it happens

you never know man i’d like to

do that i’ll take some

take a chance sucks a day

well i don’t know you know what you

gotta do you

gotta go to thailand that’s what you

gotta do that’s why i

understand yeah

come on i wanna find i’m

gonna south africa

find a girl

appreciates man a man of

culture got a liberia

chicks are hot there that

vice guy to

liberia get one of

those hookers

the one dollar hookers would

know like a dollar yeah there’s like something

crazy like that

crazy that yeah that

place is fucked up

liberians the scariest

place on earth

that once force

fields are involved

once force fields are invented then i’ll go there

yeah they need to put that

thing under that stephen king dome

yeah on the

covers the whole city

just drop that


right down on top of that keep everybody inside

the simpsons

movie yes let them

yeah on the

beach yeah you need

to lock everybody in there that’s just what the fuck is

going on there it’s a former

slave colony

you know for people that don’t know

about liberia

there’s a documentary called the v

there’s a show called

a website called vbs

tv and vbs tv

they produced the

vice guy to

travel and see

this is insane

videos man there’s so many of them

the website’s a little difficult to sift through it’s

kinda it’s kinda netflix

streaming netflix

streaming watching

liberia one

it’s fucking fantastic man you don’t realize how insane

life is over there

and on a daily basis they’re

dealing with something that’s out of the most insane


movie of all time

if you were

living in the camps and

yeah if you were living the way

these people are living

you literally

you might as well be living around wild dogs okay

you might as well be what you do i don’t know my

microphone just went

crazy some of

these people

are you know

there’s wildness to them

you know there’s some

scary shit going down a lot of cannibalism

a lot of mutilations

you know there’s

a lot of war going on

just this one dude that we’d call himself general buck

naked yeah yeah

i watched the

thing yeah fuck man and he’s

going to that’s you watch that

and you know as soon as the un

leaves that guy’s

gonna take off that preacher

uniform and

he’s gonna be a warlord again

i think so i

think he was

drinking innocent

blood from babies before war he’s not i mean

he’s across the

enemy lines and kill a kid yeah

bring them back kill him and eat parts of their

heart yeah yeah

what the fuck man

could you imagine

that scene i can’t

could you imagine if you saw that

video online

would you click that link

that is the

ultimate question

now if there was a

video of them

killing you i

don’t i fucking i

learned my lesson

there must be a

video of it out there though

i don’t want to see it either

but there must if

these guys have really done it

it’s amazing that this guy is just running around

you know preaching

yeah you know it’s really kind of incredible

well i mean he knows he’s like

he knows how to survive he’s a fucking

what’s the word i’m looking for not sociopath

well he’s a sociopath

but like no more than any politician

like no more than dick

cheney or you

know it’s just so unfortunate man and

you gotta think

this whole situation is so fucked it’s

gonna take like hundreds of years to clean up

because the life is so chaotic for

these poor people

and they grow up in this environment

they’re programmed like that and they’re programmed

to deal with war and there’s

11 and 12 year old kids with guns and machine guns they

really are like wild animals they’re crazy

you know they’re living

they’re not

worried about

death because everybody dies around them all the time

yeah it’s it’s a really really

spooky spooky environment

and i don’t

think people realize it’s even

going on yeah you know i

think i didn’t

america yeah i didn’t know

i don’t know we’re so soft here

soft as puppy shit

yeah puppy shit

in a hot summer day man when the real shit hits the fan

that’s one of the reasons why

i moved to colorado for a

while i was convinced i went through

apocalyptic period

where i was convinced that la was just gonna fall

apart still is

well yeah i mean there’s it is

like musical

chairs right yeah yeah

the music just

look at fucking

sunset the other day there was a bar

fight that turned into a full on

riot and they closed down sunset

yeah you tell me

about that you

were there what happened well i was at the down the

street at the comedy store but

there’s a guy on twitter

called wayho

daily or something like

that he just pretty much sits there with the police

scanner and just talks

about weho is

west hollywood

west hollywood yeah

anyways we were sitting at the comedy

store and suddenly like

hundreds of just cop cars going by

super fast and just

helicopters and

everything were like what the fuck is

going on jesus so i

started looking at twitter

and instant information of twitter

which is brilliant you know so

yeah it’s like i

started as a bar

fight and then somebody

started throwing

things at like a sheriff

like bottles and

stuff and then it became like some kind of

weird small

riot where they just

shut down all like this big

group of bars and went with like

you know canisters

a tear gassed and

it just turned into a huge

why was it in this


which bar it was by

it was by the rock sea

and you know like the rainbow and all

that hard rock section

it was all by

it was right by there and it just like people have

videos on the internet of like what was

going on and just getting shot at and my friend katie

he came back with a

canister one of the smoke

guns that was shot in like his direction or so like

where the rainbow is yeah they

just and it was

crazy there’s some

weird videos of

of it people filming on

their iphones and stuff

dude why you know

how come alcohol

and and men

alcohol and men mix so badly

but no one ever i mean

no one ever

tries seriously to shut alcohol down from bars

but what a terrible


alcohol and men trying to get pussy

it’s like the

worst combination ever it’s amazing

that fights don’t happen

every single

night constantly when you’re at a bar

it’s amazing

that you can get through a lot of bars without ever

fighting that’s why i just need a bottle of


yeah i mean i

avoid any place

where if there’s any kind of meathead contingency

that’s not a bar i can go to

cause i got a fucking

tricky meatheads can be

tricky a lot of them don’t

mean any harm but they’re used to this fucking way of

behaving and dick slapping each

other and pissing on each

other’s legs and

doing stupid shit you know they

think it’s funny

well people pick me out to like i have a

punchable face or something like i mean i’ve gotten

you know since

the beard i

haven’t had

any asshole nobody’s they can get away with it

that’s all it is a lot of it you know when it comes to

those situations it’s just you unfortunately

ran into an asshole that’s looking to pick on somebody

out his aggression and there’s yeah i can i you know

give off whatever vibes of like this guy

super non confrontational or something like you know

so i don’t even

want to be in a position because like yeah like

and the guys are like you like i mean you’re in good

cheer big dude like

it wouldn’t

we’re both grown men like it

wouldn’t be like

like i feel

like if a guy like you beat the shit out of me

it should be viewed as like the guy was kicking a

puppy down the fucking

stairs like it’s not

a fair like

i’m not a full man like that

like you know what

i mean i don’t have fucking forearms like i’m not a man

you know what

would be like

be well i can’t

fight i like you know i’m not yeah i can probably

do ten push ups or something wow it’s boring me

any any guy that

chooses to look for a guy to beat up like that is a

piece of shit it’s he’s missing the whole

point of doing martial arts in the

first place

the whole point of exercising is to be free of all the


instincts of the body you know the pent up rage that

makes you want to yell in your car and

it gives people

road rage and

makes people

say insane shit

on the internet i mean all that just pent up shit

the idea of martial arts and exercises supposed

to be that you get all that

stuff out so you

could be a much more

relaxed person well the guy

doesn’t have to know karate

i mean any kind of dude with big douchebag

and a big asshole i mean i’ve been in fun they need to

it’s the worst

things ever man there’s no need we can disagree on

things i’ll go over here you go over there thank you

sorry bye i don’t need to win this

i like i just don’t even get worked up

about shit like

i’m so easy

to like it’s like alright you’re

right i’m wrong

i’m a faggot

like what are you

i’m not necessary

man i’m not

being a douche

to you don’t be a douche to me let’s just

skate through i mean i can get

mouthy though like

you know some dudes can man i’ve been

with friends that got

drunk and then they say

stupid shit to people i’m like hey hey hey hey hey hey

you’re starting

something that i’m a part of now and this might be

the wings of the butterfly that fucking

start the hurricane

yeah settle the fuck down alcohol

yeah i don’t

do that very but it’s like

if somebody is

fucking with me i can i know how to push buttons too so

that’s a problem if

they can’t push buttons back then they get frustrated

because they

can’t match wits with you fuck you

faggot they say something stupid to you you have the

perfect comeback

with the perfect timing

you’re professional comedians

not fair at all

and then they

just want to you know i’ll fucking kick your ass it’s

funny now funny man yeah

yeah that’s like oh god

what have you become

what have you become and what have you done

so we’re gonna have to get you into some newer

linguistic programming

to try to refocus your

brain and get rid of this catholic

school guilt bullshit man

yeah well we

gotta put it together

have you ever looked into something like that

i don’t really

john heffron is a big fan of that in neuro

linguistic programming

i don’t john heffron’s and he’s like into all sorts of

freaky like

enhance your mind type shit like

he has like anchors he comes up with

these things like he’ll hold his hand in a certain way

and when he’s killing on stage

to hold his hand a certain way and

remember that moment so

then when he goes on

stage again

he holds his hand in a

second way and he puts himself

right back into the

place where he was

absolutely destroying on stage

like he has like an anchor

to that experience so he can put himself in the same

state you know you get a

state when you’re killing

when you’re on

stage and just boom you just hit oh yeah

yeah you know that feeling

where just the

pauses are perfect you’re

super relaxed and you’re just in the material

you know and he

tries to anchor that

state in his mind and his consciousness and his memory

he does like something with his hands

and then once he has it you know has it down

then in his next show like

right when he’s

about to go up he’ll do that same

thing with his hand

and literally recreate the

state or you know that’s the theory yeah

but i think that well yeah i don’t know it

sounds i mean whatever works for whoever but i mean

every situation

is different though like whatever you were doing

to make that

night the perfect

night of comedy this is a

whole different

set of people totally it’s a different

night different shit happened

today absolutely

there’s definitely

that’s definitely true but i also

think that when i achieve

what’s attractive to me

about it and i

haven’t tried it yet

but is that you know

it’s like it’s sometimes it’s real

difficult to figure out

where to put your brain

when you’re

about to go on stage

like when you’re

about to go on stage

first of all i go over my material

i want to make sure i got this new

thing i got

to do i got to get this out of the way i got to

do this i should try that

should i move this in here

which i do but

then it’s like

you know how

what do i do am i

happy here i’m excited

do i just wait till i get on stage

until i figure out what the fuck i am

you know what do i do yeah well at

least what he’s doing

is trying to anchor himself to some really positive

state of mind and

and then go out and then the ball falls

where it may

and you know he

might have to deal with hecklers or

it might be a different kind of show

but at least

his state of mind is the optimum

state of mind so instead of like recreating the

exact perfect

state it’s more like

you know he just

figures out

the right way to be

himself when he gets up there if that makes any sense

yeah it’s yeah it’s

tough i am like i said i am kind of moody and

it’s just a

bummer when i have to do a show and it’s like i fucking

like this is the last thing

i feel capable do not that i

never like i

never piss and moan

about having to do a fucking show

but sometimes it’s like yeah i’m just not

yeah i’m not that i’m not the fucking life of the

party guy tonight you know yeah

when you go on

stage and you get a few

laughs doesn’t

it start to kick back in

sometimes i mean it’s always

fun and it’s you know but

no sometimes the

whole time on

stage i’m just kind of like yeah i’m just not this is

you know i mean we’re

humans like

it’s like yeah it’s

just not that much fun tonight i’m not feeling like

you know is it

you or is it the

crowd or is it definitely

it’s a combination

like i can be in one of

those like depressed

just fucking i don’t want to do this

sunday night show

and i get on

stage and there’s like that

you know the

crowd’s like

no we’re good we’re here to fucking

right this is we’re not just

gonna be a bunch of fucking shit we’re here

we all want it to be here this isn’t an office party or

whatever and

and then you’re like

oh yeah then it fucking yeah that changes everything

because it’s a

total give and take i mean

because like if i’m in a

great fucking mood and the

crowd just like we’re

not we don’t really give we wandered in here somehow

like right which can happen yeah it does happen a lot

yeah so it’s like oh well this isn’t a mutually

beneficial thing then do

you have crowds now

where they’re coming

out specifically to see you and you know the difference

not really not

crowds there are people

groups in the crowd

yeah a handful of people who

know me from doug i opened for doug for a few years

spy kids 2 spy kids 2

it just kind of being i mean i

haven’t been doing it super long

how long are we doing

about eight years

started in o2

yeah that’s

crazy if you were like in

school you’d have a fucking phd

but with comedy like

you need to put in some years kid yeah no i’m

still figuring it out and

yeah i would i was i was like

twenty nine

thirty when i started

and it’s like fuck why didn’t i

get like i was having too much fun goofing off was like

i don’t know i didn’t

i wish i started when i was like

22 or something yeah

but you know what you did that’s the most important

thing is that you did

forget about all that

other bullshit

oh yeah i was

goofing off the

whole time but i wasn’t

i think the good

thing is you don’t

have this body of work from the past that like sucks

back when you were

stupid like on youtube pages

yeah man i got some comedy

out there this is a

video of me from when i was 25

at rascals comedy club in

new jersey it’s terrible

i have a luscious

head of hair though i’m so jealous of my hair

before my hair

started really falling out it was like just

starting to fall out back then

and there was like the material

silly i was all

skinny i didn’t lift weights back then or anything

i was like looking i was like god this is

awful comedy

and it’s attached to me forever

you know yeah

i guess like i mean the

stuff i even though i was

twenty nine or

thirty when i

started i mean

yeah there’s some pretty

there’s not

great shit i was doing

it was a lot of shit actually

a lot better

than me when i was 21

but yeah no there’s nothing that’s like

completely appalling i’ve got a

when i was 21 man

i there’s a

couple times that i recorded myself and i record the

second time i was ever on

stage i have it back there somewhere on a cassette

wow and it’s

on a cassette

on it just audio

tremendously bad

it’s so horrible you

got us that painful to listen to my

accent makes me want to kick myself in the balls yeah

it’s just so or is it just a

thick boston accent little bit yeah

boston accent just i didn’t have anything to say

but what the fuck you have to say when you’re

twenty one you just like look at me

and then people like why

do you want me to look at you and then you go

okay hold on i have to figure that out yeah yeah

yeah get way

ahead of yourself you go and look at me

first before you have anything to say

when you’re 21 i mean

if you’re right now you’re

36 years old so 37

you go to a comedy club some 21 year old goes on stage

you know like i mean

come on rent really

what how much you get well

usually it’s

i mean and i

tried not to pre

judge people although

i can tell on site whether or not somebody’s fucking

funny or not you can just tell like

every now and then you’re

surprised you’re like oh i thought that guy was really

gonna suck just judging by the way he looks and

you can tell like

but no i try to keep an open mind and

yeah a lot of times it’s like

you heard that but like it’s

just people just don’t like a lot of these

younger guys just don’t have a knowledge of like

it’s like you’re not the

first guy to ever fucking

split the atom on this like

you know you don’t

think i can’t

think it was

good to have

a knowledge of stand up

you sort of have to have like a body of

stand up that you listen to before

you just jump into it yeah get familiar with some

stuff even like

you know i mean i listen to a

ton of i have a

bunch of old comedy

albums that i like listen them on

vinyl and i’ve had them

since i was a kid i mean i collect them

still you know i buy them it’s a

cheap hobby to have you can get

comedy lps for like

three bucks a piece yeah

but even just like yeah

i can’t think of well yeah you should know like

older shit because it’s like

you’re not the first guy a lot of this

stuff that you think is brilliant it’s like

well fucking sam kennison had a whole thing

about it yeah

or there’s five guys working the road

right now doing a thing

about the starbucks

coffee cup sizes being called different names then

yeah small medium and large like

yeah come on man yeah

but it’s all i guess you just figure it out well i can

understand someone just doing their own version of it

until they sort

of get their feet out from under them

or get their feet under them

you know when they’re just

you know when you do an open mic nights and shit

i get all that

but once you actually start doing gigs you actually

start you know going places then

you should probably know what other people are doing

you know yeah

i mean sometimes

you can’t be doing a lenny

bruce joke and not knowing oh no because

there was a dude that i used to know back in boston

he’s a great writer he’s a really funny guy

he didn’t steal it

he wrote it on his own

but it was a lenny bruce line

now i’m like man you

gotta know about that one it was

about gay people and

gay being illegal dig this man

gay being gay

is illegal so what do they do they they take you

and they put you in prison with a

bunch of men

wanna have sex with you yeah yeah

you know and that was

lenny bruce like

in you know

whatever is nineteen fifties or something like that

dude reinvented it in nineteen ninety you know

you didn’t know

just did well that’s

gonna happen yeah and i mean

people are gonna tell you

although sometimes like there’ve been a couple

there’s one thing in

particular that i was kind of confused as to why nobody

told me i was doing a bit like i had

again when i

started it was a lot of fucking diarrhea jokes and

stuff and i had a

i had a joke

about tgi fry

like just it was

basically a diarrhea

chunk but it

started with

tgi fry because i got wicked

like bad diarrhea

from tgi fridays one time and

yeah just that was like the

got me into my diarrhea thing

and then i was in philly working at the club there and

i didn’t have enough time to eat

either there’s a

rite aid across the

street i bought hot pockets from the

rite aid and heated them up in the microwave ate them

and like the

worst fucking diarrhea

again so i just

changed it in

my bit like it’s like well i’ll update my diarrhea

chunk to the last

thing that gave me diarrhea

was hot pockets and

but jim gaffigan has like this huge hot pockets chunk

and i didn’t

you didn’t know i saw it on tv one

like i saw his

you know i turned on tv comedy centrals i was like i’ll

watch some of this guy

and he goes into this like

15 minute hot pockets

chunk and i like how did nobody ever tell me

that this guy

like i mean it’s not like we’re doing this

but he talks

about how they give you diarrhea and

i don’t know it’s just

weird like i

think your past don’t

cross your fans and his fans and your

people and his people it seems like that’s a pretty

famous kind of bit of i think it

is even though i didn’t i don’t know the bit though

but i know he does a bit

this is how

famous it is

i don’t know the bit but i know he has a

bit of that

famous it’s like his signature

like put him on the

you know put him up into that

he’s an interesting case

you know he’s an interesting guy you know it’s like

super squeaky

clean yeah nice and

you know but

super successful take

character thing to

which i’ve been talking to other

comedian friends who are like kind of you know on

my peers you know

where you know i

still feel like i’m struggling with like

really fucking dialing in like finding my

voice getting

into that like zone of like you know like doug or

like just really knowing who you are and

what like i don’t feel like i have any

strong opinions on anything sometimes and i’m like

really yeah kind of like a

you know don’t

yeah it’s like

it’s like i don’t want

to ruffle any feathers you know it’s like well then

that’s gonna be oh you’re

gonna be a great comedian someday

yeah just get on

stage what are you

guys are i just want to make sure everybody’s cool with

everything i say i don’t

that’s kind of

funny but i

think that the character

like gaffigan has that and even i was

watching some of i saw part of louis

ck’s hilarious

thing they showed on comedy central the

other night

and i fell asleep

halfway through not because it was boring ice

just exhausted

whoa don’t even say that man

should even say that

oh well i say you

fell asleep halfway through bro

well it’s great no totally i mean it’s

i didn’t mean that

why why yeah i i didn’t

sleep the night before and

just as soon as i laid

on a couch i fell

asleep in the middle of k one dynamite like a bitch

fell asleep in the middle of fucking cage

fighting i’m

watching cage

i was like trying to kill each

other with their

bare hands and feet and knees you’re like you know

i’m fucking asleep

on the couch

well yeah that’s not i mean

i know of course ck

is fantastic louis ck

is so good that i don’t hear anybody ever say anything

like but louis c case hilarious it’s not like

one comic that i know that it’s a dissenter that’s like

not that good

yeah everybody’s like god it’s so cool to be around

you know at a time

where there’s a guy like this who’s doing a new hour

of crazy new

shit every year

but i was kind of dissecting

you know what i was seeing cause

like i’ve been talking to

other people

about how like

or what i’ve been noticing

it’s like oh it’s like this character like kafir can

ask the guy who talks to himself like this right

and like even louis

ck a guy who’s just kind of like

writing great shit but he even has little like

like he has

these little

kind of things that

are just part of his personality in the way he talks

where he’s found his

voice but it’s like

he could say a sentence

without writing

any joke it’s just like the way it’s like

it’s just all these

yeah elements are combined

to like just make this perfect that’s what makes a

great comedian it’s like

you’re like this

definitive personality like people can do

impressions of you

right right and that’s i

guess where like i feel

i don’t feel like i’m yeah i like i can make people

laugh i can go on

stage and keep people

entertained all

night but it’s like well what’s

what’s my fucking gimmick like

you know that sounds

weird but even like benson

doug benson was talking

about that in some

interview i saw with him

where like it’s like oh the pot

thing just kind of

naturally happened and before that he was

he’s just a

funny well respected

comedian but then once you have like something where

that identifies you

right which

yeah i don’t feel like you know you

should have a phrase

something like

you can’t do with it get the beard out

yeah no i mean

it’s not like you need to get her done

i think it’s just the

thing of like

you know doing it fucking

cause like yeah

like you were saying you’d have i

could be a doctor if i went to fucking

school for eight years

but you would put so much more

effort into being a doctor than you

being a comedian

convenience for the most part we’re pretty fucking lazy

about writing and

about performing and

about you know like really

going over material and correcting in and

trying to enhance it and

yeah i record

all my sets but only listen to half of them

ever it’s like fucking

torture to listen

yes but that’s the really the

way to develop new material whenever i have a new bit

and i pause

and i go over it and i listen to the recording and

then i go over the way it’s written the way it’s said

i always can make it better

i can always enhance it for sure

it’s always been official

it is i’m the

worst with it

too like i have fucking drawers full of like

pieces of paper

and notebooks and it’s like

i just write this shit down and then i

throw the notebook in a drawer it’s like

why don’t you flip through this shit a little more

often and watch yourself it’s like yeah

jesus christ jesus

all right brian

what is it doing what are

you doing man i’m not doing anything

that’s what i did

earlier put

the headphones near this

whoa that’s crazy

well that was the loudest fucking

sound that’s

weird because i’ve been sitting here the whole time

like they’re on your head

but you took the headphones off what did you do

yeah i just

took my headphones off and you put them near the

microphone and

it just went

crazy no no no you were up there when it’s

true they were

still doing it back there

it started over there

that’s weird that’s what i’m saying that’s kind of

weird that sucks

it’s plugged in right

yeah good yeah all

right anyway

where were you

oh just say like

your thing your

voice not even your gimmick i know what

you’re saying well just kind of yeah don’t feel like

you’re a hundred percent satisfied with the

evolution of you as

you’re not representative of

who you can be on

stage yeah you don’t really know you just yeah

like i can make

them back and forth

yeah and it’s

yeah pretty that’s very honest man

it’s a you know

there’s been many times in my life

where my act has

changed or who i felt

about myself on

stage and how i performed has changed

and most of it is depending on how much

focus i’m putting on it you know

and who you’re hanging out with

what you’re

you know it’s just yeah i mean i

think you could

definitely lose a grip on it

you know that’s a

thing about comedy

it’s like you can

start off in a

good way i mean how many times you ever seen a guy who

starts out really good and like this kids got potential

and then somewhere

along the line they just skid

out we get lazy they

wrote yeah yeah

twenty good minutes yeah

exactly twenty

three and it’s like well you’re

forty two now you

really have to be doing that same joke that was funny

yeah that’s brutal that’s the most painful part of it

yeah it’s hard for guys

to let go of shit that they know will work and try new

things that no one’s ever

heard before

yeah chance well and even

watching yourself like i submitted

for a half hour special

in comedy central last year and i had i recorded

you know i recorded some sets

obviously and i had to send them a dvd and watching

just from watching

those dvds i realized like i

never fucking

watch myself i improved fucking like five jokes just by

sitting there

watching go oh wait

this is a much

better tag than what i’ve been saying for the last

eight months yeah

after that fucking joke

sometimes you forget tags you go and listen to you like

jesus that’s the perfect

line oh that’s the best part of the

fucking joke all

the time too you’re like

how did i fucking forget

that little aside that made that joke

fucking good for me

and that’s the difference between you

and i and comics and you know people

that go for the phds they put in a lot more fucking

effort and time

but the thing

about funny is

funny has got to also be connected to fun

like it’s very

difficult to have a fucking complete shit life

and be funny on

stage like you don’t feel like funny

yeah there’s

gotta be some fun involved

and the reality is when you’re

in college or you’re working for your phd or you’re

involved in some

crazy business

where you have to work 16

hours a day

there’s not a

whole lot of fun

going on there’s not a

whole lot of

humor in any of that and for a

comic a certain amount of you almost has to be lazy

like i’ve never met like a

great comic that at least one

point in time

and struggle with extreme laziness and

procrastination and

self indulgence and the need to just

masturbate all day because

you know you’re just too

silly yeah because

canada feels good and

you like you

get obsessed with it and you’re like fuck it

yeah we’re all like i mean i know at least

yeah i didn’t like bedtime

and like anything and now it’s like oh now we’re

adults like we are kind of a

bunch of fucking

overgrown kids were like i’m go to bed when i

fuck i yeah

i fall asleep in

front of my

jerk off five times

today he’s a

shit return

email the fucking

i return those

emails tomorrow

what i always do is i get my writing done

and then when i get my writing done i’m

satisfied i’ve got over a thousand words i’ve

got some real good shit there i like what i’m saying

at thousand words

or whatever whatever i feel is enough then i’ll just

start surfing the internet and i start

watching documentaries

so i’ll be watching some fucking

galactic void documentary

about what they think

stellar nurseries

why don’t you do like laptop in bed then

that’s the best i don’t

sleep alone

light going on and knowing people i

think that’s rude

and i don’t like when i’m in my office that’s when i

write my best shit

you know that’s my this my area i mean

which is where we film this podcast

right you know it’s like this

you know i this is my spot

you know i mean

i got this spot nailed i know exactly what’s going on

got my refrigerator

right here with my coconut

juice my computer

right here i’m not

going anywhere

so any ideas that i have if i’m

watching a documentary i want to be

right here and comfortable that can come out

as easy as possible

right you know what i love man this fucking evernote

thing yeah that

you’ve ever seen that do you know what that is no

it’s an application for the iphone i bet it’s for your

phone too you have a droid is that a droid

yeah yeah i’m sure they have it for droids

it’s amazing man

you can take

websites any idea that you have that you see in

a website like whoa the scientists just new discovery

inside every

black hole is

the possibility of a new universe you

know whoa i

gotta remember that

well with this everquest thing

all you have to do is

press you can get it

you get the web page the web page loads up

like the text version of the web page

even with photos and everything

loads up on your ever note and you save it

and you have that article

anything that you

have an idea you have an idea like you have to write

you write this down on your little phone

and you put it in evernote

and when you put it in evernote

it syncs up and it syncs up with your home computer

it syncs up with whatever else you got you got a laptop

wherever you want to keep the notes

for a comic it’s fucking

invaluable man yeah so like if you’re writing a new bit

and you don’t have time to transfer to your phone

it doesn’t matter you just turn on your new

phone at the comedy

club and go oh there’s the bit i was just writing

i was working on a bit at

sal’s the other night

and right before i got up i said oh shit

i forgot to

get that retrieved from evernote so i go to evernote

retrieve it bam

copy and paste it put it in my notes

went over the

idea is hit the beat to the jokes boom you go on stage

and it’s like you can keep all your notes

all of it online all the time

you can access it if you get a new phone

like say if

your fucking

iphone falls in the toilet and you’re like fuck

if you go to the apple

store and you get a new phone

well your new

phone will sync up and boom all

those notes will be

right back when they were

so fucking this

shit dude for writing

it’s the shit

though the beautiful thing

about it is that it’s not just text

it’s text and

pictures and anything else it’s like

you can save a

whole web page

you want to read a web page you

could read the

whole thing man just saves it

right to your

phone saves it

right to your

laptop and you sync up with any number of devices

that you want you got a laptop you got a home computer

boom boom boom boom

boom so for for

comics like when you find out like some

crazy story online

or there’s some new subject you have to talk about

boom it’s so easy to save it

well look it up

right now i mean i have to change the

i have to change the nine volt battery that

might hey put

your tongue on

it put your tongue on it see if it’s still hot

remember that when you do that with little batteries

nine volts yeah

yeah get that jolt

i should suck what is that what are you

doing yourself when you do that is it giving you cancer

probably giving you i

think it’s just a little electric charge that’s it yeah

who the fuck

tried that first

there’s a comedian in austin

who’s got a joke

about who’s the

first guy to try

a pineapple

like the guy was a guy

well i don’t even remember how it goes but it’s

funny because

it’s like the most uninviting like let’s eat this

thing and he’s like oh there’s a

the first guy that

ate the pineapple

was like a hero and there’s a guy like

right next to him with a pine cone like fuck so close

that’s funny

yeah he’s a

funny dude austin’s a

funny place man

there’s a lot of good comedy that comes out of austin

it’s a great scene it’s

yeah i mean i

i stayed there for it’s an easy

place to live man

especially when you

start working the road because i just i

started working the road from there just doing shit

shit midwest

stuff just opening

random guys right doug

pick me up and i

started going with him it was like

you got a kind of a dark act you have

guys to tell you hey you know

don’t do this bit or don’t you know don’t

swear too much or don’t get too creepy or

no i know currently

no no like when

you were middling for guys when you’re go on the road

uh you know

i don’t remember like there was no real nothing

sticks out with people

going like if you fucking tell that

we’ve had these conversations before

about guys taking guys on the

road with them and telling them like what bits to do

why are you taking the guy on the road with you yeah

it’s kind of

twisted but

i did the idea of

random dudes that had sound cues

costume change

clothes you

had to be on that

i’d be featured

no no but i’d be the

feature act

where like no

thought goes into comedy booking it’s like

sioux falls

south dakota brendan walsh and then like

you know there’s a guy called the midnight swinger

who’s a nice guy but

how’s this a

fucking show like the guy’s all like he wears

like a fucking

legacy style

things got a

big johnny bravo or whatever that cartoon guy the

big hairdo and right

and his act is like you know he does a bunch of

sound cues and shit at the end i mean get

standing ovations everybody loves them but it’s like

well why am i opening for him like if

anybody in the

crowd likes me

they’re probably not

gonna like him

vice versa if people were here to see the singing

dance and guy

who’s like again

super good dude and like

i never got a

standing ovation in my life and he

would get them

six nights a week so

but and those guys are

freak out they go why

the fuck am i not on tv

america loves me

these crowds love me

a lot of them

i don’t know guys like that who have like kind of

those big you know

kind of clothes

or things and

the whole lobby

yeah they seem a lot of them seem to be

happy with like doing like little rooms in

vegas here and

there they’ll go on a cruise ship and they’ll

really i mean i don’t know that’s

kind of get the idea that some

of them are pretty

happy with like you know i can make

you know how

like it’s it’s not easy to make

eighty or a hundred

grand a year right

and if you can do that just by

doing like you

know kind of b rooms headlining b room selling

like a lot of them have like some kind of

t shirt or something they sell and they’ll fucking make

more than they’re getting paid

from the club that week off they’re like who farted t

shirt that right

know a lot i have a lot of friends that

when they go on the road like they

you know they run into

trouble where people

don’t want a midland forum like joey nobody wants joey

diaz midland for you or ari

you know there’s a lot of dudes who want

don’t want a guy like that to middle form you know like

if you you know there’s dudes that complain

about him like he goes up at the comedy

store because he’s just he’s

dirty and it’s raunching it’s

funny yeah and people

think for some reason that they get into

someone gets

into this mindset you can’t pull them out of it

so say i don’t want him

going on before me like really

like what the fuck come on that’s crazy

i don’t mind anybody

going on before me with the

exception of like famous

guy like you know like i was at the

laugh factory one time and

was about to go up and like

carlos mintzi is here he wants to go out

and this isn’t like a you know

weird carlisman see a

story he went i mean he did like you know

twenty minutes it wasn’t one of

those things

where he did three

hours and i had to

drive home like he

you know did like fifteen or

twenty minutes but the

crowd was pretty

psych to see him and

and you know he

had a good set but then i had to go up and it was like

yeah everybody’s kind of still just

getting over the

fucking buzz

from seeing that dude like nobody’s listening

those are good for you though man i did a lot of

those sets in

at the comedy

store and i

think those sets

really taught me a lot

about grabbing the audience and

about you know just just

going out there and getting into it and doing your shit

and because there was a

bunch of times

where i’d gone after

martin lawrence

oh yeah and the

crowd would be you know 90 percent

black too yeah

and martin lawrence

would get off

stage do like you know

his headlining so you

do like a long set and destroy

and then bring me up

yeah and then

nobody want to hear a fucking word i was saying

right i did it with dice clay

you have to go on

after dice clay a lot

i did it with a

bunch of times

with prior when richard pry was really sick

oh i went on

right after i’m like

for like five weeks double

whammy dude in a

wheelchair talked

about this but it’s a pretty crazy

story he was he was so sick

that they used to have to turn the mic up

oh shit like it was so hot

the mic was so hot

because he couldn’t talk loud

and he would just be sitting in his in his

chair they would have to

carry him onto the

stage and he

would be drinking

and just get fucked up just talking on stage

you understand a word you

say barely man i always love

pussy no joke

yeah it’s like

his faculties were diminished substantially

yet he was on

stage talking

and people had this

weird feeling that it was like

it was a feeling of sadness it was like a feeling of

you know here we’re paying tribute to a

great legend of comedy

but man look at him now like

it’s hard to watch

and so then they would

bring me up and

the piano guy jeff

would go all

right ladies and gentlemen we have another very

funny comedian you

might have seen him on newsradio

get up for joe rogan

i might have you know what no i don’t even

think i was on

newsradio at the time i

think i’m lying

i think that was on hardball it

was a show that was on fox it was

a baseball show that was on fox and nobody gave a fuck

about that show

it didn’t matter who you were anyway man you were

going on after

richard prior

and they have to carry him

they have to

carry him through the audience this was the

or yeah so they’re walking him it’s

chewy and some

other dude are

carrying him

through the audience

cause and it takes a long time to get

him through it takes like five minutes like no bullshit

like they have to

be really slow because they’re sort of half walking him

half carrying him

so the audience is a

standing ovation for mr pryor

and then you get on

stage and you have to

crack jokes

while richard pryor is

crawling yeah yeah yeah

like literally

creeping he can’t even control his body

how long did he do that for

he did a five weeks

wow did a bunch of shows did a

bunch of shows

yeah it was

weird man it was

weird to watch i only

watched a couple of them i couldn’t take it anymore

was just freaking me out man you know

when i was a little kid i saw live on that sunset

strip like that’s

one of the reasons why i wanted to do comedy that

first video my parents took me to see in the

movie theater

and i remember sitting in that theater

laughing so fucking hard

thinking how incredible it was

that this guy is just talking and he’s so funny

and i thought all the

funny movies i’d seen like

stripes and all

these different

movies that were

great but they were

never as funny as this like this was the old

i looked around like i looked in the theater i was

watching people like

falling out of

their seeds

rocking back and forth laughing

and i was just

thinking this is the most incredible

thing ever and then they go from that to

yeah i mean the

whole room is just

crackling with this

hot microphone

sound that sucks and

his glass is clinking you know

his ice in his glass

i always loved

pussy pussy

never did no bad to me

like it was like he had no jokes he had nothing to

say it’s all just like

polite laughter

yeah it’s huh huh

so sad the worst

thing because he was the greatest

in my opinion

if i had to pick one guy who is like you know

the shining

you know example of what’s possible

so much better than anyone before him

so influential it’s prior

i mean he’s so much better than anybody before him

you know it hitting the high notes and doing that

style of comedy

this like sort of friendly raunchy honest

insightful comedy

so lovable so vulnerable

like everything

about him was just he was like

you know at the time he was like

for sure the greatest stand up comedian ever

and so to go from that to

watching him

just like his body just physically betraying him

you know it’s like so hard to do

and then they have to do comedy

and then you

gotta follow that like it’s such a double whammy

yeah so i make jokes

about yeah i

would make jokes

about it like okay richard

prior and then who is this

unknown white

douchebag you know yeah who oh my

what the fuck am i doing up here yeah and i

would say you know that’s exactly what i’m

thinking too

so let’s just

get through this

they slow i

did a show for i

still do like

weird one night or

things that

this guy books these

shows like that are all

about an hour away and

are they in bars

yeah they’re in bars

bar shows are rough

i have to do one

do you have to do one when tonight and really

where you gonna be at

newport beach or something like that

do you want to tell people so they can go oh sure

hold on a place

it’s called

ep domes p domes we did we all did sal’s calmly

whole the other night i love that place is that a

cool little spot you know

yeah it’s got a great vibe

i did but what i was i was doing the show like the

monday or tuesday wednesday before christmas this year

so it’s like

it’s a few days before christmas that guys like i want

fifty bucks you know

like yeah right and

we got there it was just a

whole christmas the bar

was just full of people that were there for a christmas

party and there were like

eight people up

front who came for the comedy show

but it was just a coffee and

i hate this is one of my biggest pet peeves like when

comedians get

these bar shows

together and some guys are just there to get a

drink you can’t

force comedy down people’s

throats and when the guys like hey fuck go

hey there’s a show

going on over

here it’s like well yeah don’t get on the guys

he’s just having a beer man like i agree yeah

so yeah it’s like well it’s all

these people here for christmas

party they don’t care

what the fuck i’m saying

these other

eight people are kind of having a

you know get a kick out of it

but i’d like very

early on and i’m doing i’m taping a tv

thing this week

so i was like well

it’ll be a chance to try and run through that material

which like no way like

i got fuck and

so i just said when i was up there i was like it

doesn’t matter

what the fuck i say does it like not nobody’s even

gonna acknowledge i

said like i ran a baby over on my way

there and like it made me

horny so i went back and jerked off on the baby and

stole its wallet

and found out

where it lived and

went and face fucked its mom and

i just like just

started saying all this

random shit and like the

people who were paying attention were getting a kick

cause like it did not

not one eyebrow raised from the christmas party

and then for the last

seven because the guy wanted me to

do a certain amount of time and it’s like it’s one of

those gigs where

it’s like well if i don’t do the full fucking time he

might not give me the 50

bucks right

so i looked at my

phone i was recording it or

maybe i turned the recorder off at a certain point but

i saw i had like

seven minutes

left and i just said i was like well i have

seven minutes left

i’m just gonna make

noises for the last

seven minutes if anybody has any

suggestions i mean i’ll try to make

whatever noise you tell me to make

i did a car

a lot like you know the full run of the car alarm

took some weird suggestions did like a tiger

you’re doing something and i

wound up going it’s great

middle of it

but i did all the time but it was

it’s that’s very liberating when

i don’t know i hadn’t been in an

experience like that in a really long time

where i was like oh this is fucking like

death impossible well it’s that

it was one of

the most it was pretty fun actually because i was like

well once i realize it’s like okay i’m not

gonna get to run through

this fucking set list that i’m trying to get together

and it’s like

really nobody’s paying attention like and then just to

start just saying

whatever fucked up

weird shit comes

into your head i did this gig recently so the

worst hell gig i’ve done in a long

time and i did it like a year ago that twitter thing

remember we did it with

yeah dove david off nicktoon

me and was there another person

there was a host i forget the host name i apologize

but it was something

for twitter and they did it at a rock bar

and the acoustics were the

worst acoustics ever

every word you said was

echoed back and was totally incomprehensible

no one had any idea what you were saying

there was a very narrow area in the

front of the

stage where you

could talk that’s it

the people in the

front of the

stage like directly in

front of you

you know six feet to the left six feet to the right

they could hear you yeah

but everyone else on the sides had

no idea what the fuck you were saying i was literally

five feet from the

stage while

while dove was on

stage and i couldn’t

understand a word he was saying

it was just

about how big was the

venue for this

it was weird

cause it was like a

nightclub it was like a

dance floor sort

of a situation

it wasn’t set up for talking

and then on top of that

the whole time he doves on stage

they’re blowing

smoke on him

i’m not kidding he’s

covered in smoke

cause a band was on before him

right so the

smoke is blowing

down on him you can’t hear a word he’s fucking saying

and is at one

point in time he turns and looks at me and nick thielin

decides like

what the fuck is this

this can’t even be real

like it was so

spectacularly shittyly set up

that it just

didn’t even seem like it

could be real and thune went up and did the same

thing and i went up and did the same

thing which is

we both like

people on the side of us were just looking at us like

anyone on the side of you they

would just look

at you they have no idea what the fuck you were saying

soon told me one of the craziest fucking stories

a couple weeks ago i can’t

even do it justice nick if you’re listening call in

no it was just like

a nightmare

stage story like it

blew my fucking mind like it was in san francisco and

like basically the waitresses all

wound up get like the

crowd hated him

and then like the waitresses were like

these roller derbyish type

betty page chicks or whatever and

they wound up like rushing him on

stage and one like held him down

while the other one

tried to pull his

pants down what it’s

honestly it’s the most fucked up

story i’ve ever

heard they did

this to nickthun

nickthun yeah recently

a few years ago i

think it was where

in san francisco because

we were talking we got on the topic

i mean i don’t

mean i hope i’m not fucking being gossipy

i don’t know it’s not

but it was like

no it wasn’t a club but he was saying that you know

yeah i don’t want to say

i don’t know if it’s

weird or not but like somebody who

books the clubs in

in san francisco was at that show and

and he’s like

hands that was like the biggest nightmare he

you know practically got boot off

stage and then

all these people

tried to rape him on stage

wow but like so i don’t

think he gets booked at like the

punchline or

he doesn’t get

booked up there and he’s like wow she was at that show

where that happened and i don’t know i guess

you know they’re not a fan or

that’s weird i don’t because i’m

i could be wrong but uh

but i know it happened in san francisco at some

weird venue

and it was the

and i’m forgetting

parts like he

it was a pretty interesting story

and i feel bad

i was hanging out with nick the other day

went like walk dogs and we’re hanging out in the park

with chelsea peredi too

and i know we’re

just all fucking goofing around i forget how it

happened but i

wound up tweeting


to nick soon

newest cast

member on saturday

night live but just totally joking right

and we like we decide i don’t know we’re talking

about starting a

rumor or something right

and that fucking

thing spiraled

out of control so fast i feel bad i mean i’ve

taught me and nick

have talked

cause like he

started getting emails and

it’s this twitter

thing is fucking

scary like like

people were saying fuck you you know no no

no they’re saying


we always knew you i mean it’s just the

worst like and he’s like

and he’s getting he’s got his

pants pulled down by derby bitches

well that was

that was years ago

yeah i feel bad

about that little hoax

that shafir

our shafir went on this long tour

him and tripoli

and a couple other guys

they went on this long tour and

after he came back he said one

thing for sure i

learned from this

no more bars that’s it

no more bars he said it’s not dope

before bars yeah

no more freddy soto

used to say that we used to always talk

about it the people

would offer him gigs

and you go no thank you

that’s pretty that’s

me and stanhope

started working together was

when we really started

together with bars

yeah that’s

i mean it when he was booking shit just through my

space when he’s like

i’m not working any more clubs and we just put on my

space if you have a

place tell me

where it is will work out a door deal right

and yeah we did

we did some fucking

shitty place like you know

place without

stages i mean

they were all

it was a fun

experience but did you do the outside

place in vegas

the outside

place yeah some dude was shown

having shows in his backyard

and i think doug

did it i don’t know if doug did it but i know a couple

comics like guys with names did it i

think the guy emailed me

or that sounds familiar but i came

close to doing it but i was like you know what i

could do the palms yeah

why am i doing your

crazy backyard you might be nuts man

then i’m connected to you

fuck crackpot

but it’s a great a

great idea you know kid just decides

gonna set up his own comedy club

he’s like you know i’ll charge

twenty bucks

at the door everybody’s packed in my backyard i got a

stage in a pa

and everyone’s enthusiastic we’re all

drinking beer out of

coolers and shit like

on paper it

sounds awesome yeah

but then they

gotta go man who is this

crazy asshole

yeah bringing me into his backyard

and that’s kind of the

stuff that’s

a big difference between doug and i like he kind of

thrives on that shit

where it’s like

a crazy insane idea i’m on board and

well i was hanging out at his

house back when the homeless people living on his

front porch

and then the homeless

woman wound up

stabbing the homeless man

and like you know and doug had all

these films of her in one of them she had

blood all over hands

after she stabbed her boyfriend

and she’s sitting on her

knees so she’s kneeling and she’s looking at her hands

and she goes i’m a cunt i’m a whore

i’m a cunt i’m a whore i’m a cunt to my heart

she’s saying all this craziness

while she’s got this guy’s

blood on her hands

and they take him away

and you know he has to go get

stitched up and he survives but he’s

got fucking stabbed

you know and she goes to jail and

these were people living on doug’s

front porch you just had them

and he would

videotape them

i’d hang out with them

i’d go over doug’s

house to drink and be like me and doug and

you know a couple

friends it’s a fucking homeless people that’s so

funny it was so

weird he’s so i mean he invites the

chaos but i mean god damn dude i

understand what you’re doing but fuck

homeless stabbing festivals in your front

porch that’s

i yeah but that’s a perfect example of like

yeah so any

energy that he

stuff that yeah because i’m like

i don’t yeah

but they i do try to you know sometimes i

it does make me

think twice before knee jerk

going fuck that shit that

sounds retarded yeah

i’m like well wait a minute

what if i do like i don’t know let’s

fucking live a little and see what fucking happens

you know i’ll go do some

weird backyard show where i’ll

get in a car with some guy

or you know like

after a show like all

right i’ll go to the fucking

place you guys are

you know like people want to hang out

after the show usually it’s like i’m just

gonna walk back some towns you know

austin’s the best firm

meeting people and hanging out

after show remember

brian we hung out with that dude

who was born with no arms and legs and he

drove oh that dude from

the i know him

from the karaoke

place rob yeah

yeah he’s a very nice guy

yeah his friend

and the lizard man

yeah the crazy dude was

his whole face

tattooed and his

tongue split down the middle he does like freak she

enigma yeah

the lizard man no that’s another one that’s

another guy yeah

yeah there’s a lot of them man wow

it’s a lot of it’s a lot of fucking

crazy people that just go off with

their face yeah

go nutty put ball barbs in it and fucking

horns and shit

i mean there’s a

photos online there’s some

photos online

of people you ever seen the guy there’s one really

famous one he’s got like

he looks like a cat is

gonna like cat face got his

teeth sharpened

everything’s different

colors he’s got

giant ear plugs and all

these different

lip piercings and nose

piercings and it’s a catwoman

in austin there’s probably more than one but one

from when i

first moved there she had like

whiskers fucking

metal whiskers that she

could screw into

her face and

like tiger stripes

tattooed oh my god

is there pictures of her online

i’m sure she was like

married to or dating that enigma guy for a

while the blue guy with all the puzzle

pieces and the horns and used to do the jim rose

jim rose i can’t shouldn’t be too hard to

find a picture of her yeah austin

i wrote tiger woman austin nothing

were you performing tonight burns tiger woods

cat lady maybe

tonight i’m doing a show at the improv lab

nice the improv lab is cool man

yeah it seems i wish you could

drink in it though that’s the only

thing i always bring beer in with me when i

want i mean i don’t know if you

can’t you just get a beer from the other bar and

bring it over no they told me i wasn’t allowed

she have tiger stripes all over her body

oh there’s this bitch there’s the crazy bitch

oh my god she’s nuts

yeah that’s her oh my god this crazy bitch

what she did was she has

these things and she’s kinda cute

and she had these at

least from this lozer resolution photo

she’s got tiger stripes like black

stripes like tribal looking

things all over

her body all over her legs all over her arms

all over her face

and you can see the

whiskers yeah he’s got these

metal whiskers

screwed into her

fucking skull

whoa sexy photo did i

did i would you

i mean i don’t know i mean it’s like

if i met her

and we were

like hanging out and i thought she was fun and

i mean you would be down for a fucking

chick that has

face tattoos

i haven’t but i mean i’m pretty open

minded i mean it’s like i’m not super

i don’t know what the word

well no no i’m

super picky

but i’m not as like

aesthetically like it’s

not like oh i just need a blonde with big tits like

i can’t i have to like

like you know if i’m

gonna yeah like if there’s there are girls who like

maybe weren’t

like super by you know general

standards like oh she’s

super hot but like i was fucking

there was so much fun to hang out with and

yeah i don’t know like yeah i’ll have sex with

girls if they’re cool

if they’re cool and they’re not

like i mean

yeah yeah they have face

tattoos that’s like i don’t know if i if that

attractions there i can’t really

control i hear what you say you got your open minded

how about this dude

that’s the cat man

look at this oh my god

that’s cat man

that guy yeah

that guy went deep

i mean this guy he has if you

haven’t seen

cat man you got to look it up the guy’s name is dennis

avner av ner

and he’s got

everything man he’s got fangs he has

cheek implants he has

like it looks like he’s wearing some

crazy contact lenses he’s

i don’t know what he did with his

teeth he’s got some sort of dental

things probably like a cap

you know some

crazy cap but there so he just makes

a living off of looking like that i mean that’s what it

does man what does he do work in a gas station

just could be some

crazy person

hey trust fund

baby hey what’s the name of that app again

it’s called

which one we’re talking the one that’s

all your shit

together ever know ever know yeah ever know okay

i want to say end

gadget for some strange and gadget


trust fund kid who just wants to look like a lion

could be just so good as broken

that like that

have you been

watching that celebrity rehab

see this one kid nah

one of the kids is a billionaire son

and he’s not really celebrity but he’s poor

kids fucked up on heroin and all kinds of shit and just

he’s just a physical

wreck and just

rebels just

chaos you know yeah

that could easily be a cat person

the same shit i mean you just you

start down that road

next thing you know you’re

screwing spikes into your fucking forehead yeah yeah

i wish i was a

trust one kid

do you i know one

he’s a weak

cunt of a man just a shell

and i don’t say a cunt

of a man like he’s a bad guy he’s actually a nice guy

but just like

weak has not has nothing

he has no drive

he has he’s always got this idea of doing

things nothing ever gets done

every business venture

i have that

but i don’t have a giant

safety next week

he’s got no character

just just you know

i think human beings need a certain amount of tasks

and accomplishing

those tasks gives you

confidence and that

confidence gives you a better

understanding of yourself and your

capabilities and what you can accomplish in this life

and people have

never had to accomplish anything they’ve

never had to pull

their own weight they’ve

never had to

make something out of nothing they’ve

never had to go out and achieve and get something done

those people have no

connection to life they’re just adrift they’re just

loose and everything’s come to them they don’t

understand you know and then they just

they have no purpose no meaning it’s

a weird thing that we as beings as

human beings have to realize is that

we have a certain amount of requirements

we require physical

touch we have to have it

you’ll be depressed if you don’t have not even

just sex but hugging and affection and being around

loved ones like that’s all

required it’s

required of your biology

you need to be able to blow

out stress you have to you have to have some sort of

physical exercise if you have a physical body

your body is

basically the same fucking hardware

as people that

lived thousands

and thousands of years ago and needed to run away from

wolves and needed to

fight off fucking

angry tribes coming over the hill

there’s a lot of shit that was

required of our

bodies back then

it’s basically the same hardware

you got to accept all

those things like people have to

in order to manage your life correctly

you really have to look at all

those things and say like

these are all requirements

this needs to be met

you know like priests

going crazy and

wanna fucking kids

hey guess what

your body has a

sexual requirement you

gotta take care that if you can’t even masturbate

yeah you’re

gonna go nutty yeah

you gonna go nutty and

stick it in anything warm you’re

fucking you’re sick

and that’s what i was talking when i was talking

about the nuns

earlier when i

you know called them dikes

i don’t have anything

against dikes

but it’s that’s what it was they’re repressed yeah

like yeah they can’t you know

they can’t even rub one out without feeling bad

about it poor fucks

so instead they just

scream in your kids faces

and the problem is once a religion gets

started it’s so fucking difficult to stop

it’s so easy to keep one going

you know it’s real easy to like for you know

if if catholics if it wasn’t catholic priest

it wasn’t like a certain

percentage wasn’t like ten percent it was a hundred

percent of all of them were raping kids

a hundred percent

people would

still argue for the catholic church yeah i

would say but they do so much good work

and they’re so good with the homeless

and they married my

sister let’s not pay attention to that part let’s just

focus on even if there was 100

of them people are so committed to it that they would

still there’s

still people that be willing to go to church

oh god yeah i mean

yeah even it was 100 of all priests proven

they all raped

kids you know

right don’t you

think across the

board it’s so hard to stop one

getting one

started once they get

started you know it’s easy to like ridicule

scientology like oh my goodness it

was made by a science fiction author in the 1950s ha ha

dianetics like

isn’t that better information than

these fucking

monkeys that

wrote this shit down

on animal skins

you know come on stupid

yeah i’ll start a fucking religion we need to

start a religion stare

difficult start a new one though

it’s very hard you can like we were looking at the um

the pilgrimage

around the mosque around mecca

you see when

they there’s a like this box like structure and they’ll

walk around it and they’ll wear like traditional robes

it’s really crazy yeah it’s really strange to

watch you know there’s

thousands and thousands of people walking around but

what i was saying

when i first saw it was like if this was new

if this was a new religion

wouldn’t you be shitting your pants

if all of a

sudden there was some new religion

where everybody wore

robes and they had a

super secret box

that was in the middle of

saudi arabia and they all

walked around it

we would be

freaking the fuck out

it would be

24 hour coverage on cnn they’re

still circling the box no word yet as to what’s

going on inside the box

what does the box represent mike

well we’re not exactly sure

there’s different accounts some

folks say that’s where

hamon is buried and some say it’s not it

could be some sort of a sacred meteorite

we would be

terrified i

heard we would

like waco yeah

i mean it’s really like some new

super waco sort of situation

but because of the fact that

it’s been around a long time we just sort of accept it

you know it’s

interesting man it’s interesting we’re cool with shit

as long as it’s

always been like that even if it’s fucking ridiculous

if it’s complete

total nonsense

as long as it’s already exists

we’d sort of

just go with whatever we see around us

like those ladies in africa that that cut their lips

and then stretch

their lips plates in

and the larger the

plate it is

just now finally in like

two thousand nine two thousand ten two thousand eleven

finally hipsters are

starting women are

starting to not yeah

bet they are

right you ever seen one

a person in america

the plate lip

lip plate no

that’s the way they

do it in africa it’s a serious commitment you have to

smash out your bottom teeth

yeah and the

women and those neck stretching

ladies too next

stretching birds that’s

crazy man because you can’t take that shit off

think about that it’s in africa

how hot is africa hot and

sticky and sweaty

and bugs are in

those little

metal bars and dirt and

fucking stray loads

cause you’re a girl

for sure some stray loads

made their way

up to that metal

right if you’re some

crazy african lady

with a long neck

for sure one dude is

thinking i am

gonna face fuck the shit out of this bitch

look at all that neck

you just swallow my dick no problem at all

so there’s all that and you can’t even take them

off to wash them because if you take them off your head

will your head will fall

right off you’ll die

break your spine or some shit

put nuts speaking of africa

stuff i just noticed the trilogy of terror doll

yeah i got that from

bobby slayton

oh yeah bobby slayton had one of the

first internet

radio shows long

before the joe rogan

experience podcast

back in the day

bobby slayton there was some

some weird company that was trying this is like the 90s

they were trying to create

an internet

radio station

who knows because people had the

radio at work and you

could listen

while you’re at work or whatever

and so they hired a

bunch of comics and i forget what it was called but

bobby slaton had the best show on it and he had you

know it’s basically the bobby

sleeping show

but it was on you know on the internet little to

ahead way way way

ahead of its time and bandwidth was like

super expensive and yeah i

couldn’t figure out yeah they

got a way to you know to monetize it i

think you know

i think i was

using dial up until like

two thousand really

again with the whole like

i’m not technologically i don’t give a shit like

two thousand it’s two thousand

eleven eleven eleven

yeah i was probably

using dial up in two thousand were you really were

seems like two thousand two thousand two

thousand two

thousand i had

definitely had

not i might had isdn

2000 no no i didn’t i had like one line

i had a t one line

because i couldn’t get

couldn’t get istn up here

i couldn’t get rather i couldn’t get cable

and i couldn’t get dsl

so i got a t one line

until they got dsl up here

so i had some

ridiculous internet

connection up here mmm

like a business

connection that use for like an office building

to get it is the only thing i can get was high speed

that was my game addiction days

dude for sure

they’re coming up with

this new way of broadcasting wireless internet that

that goes through light spectrums

have you heard of this i’ve heard of it wow

just like how wireless internet goes through

radio spectrum this goes through a light spectrum

wrap your fucking head around that

they’re wireless internet through

light but you

already have we know you can do internet through

power lines you know power line

adapters and stuff like that just nothing really crazy

it’s just like you have you plug in one plug

is your internet and then

on the other side of the house you have the

other side of the internet it just runs through your

power lines

brendan walsh has to take a leak i have to piss

yeah i’ve been i can

see it i can see the way you’re moving fella

well expert we’ve been on shit

2 45 justin should we just wrap this bitch up we

just wrap this bitch up brennan

where can people see you next man

tonight tonight at the improv

lab tomorrow what time is the improv lab

think the show

starts at eight

thirty eight

thirty and then tomorrow will be on the

eight o’clock show at the improv

and if you’re in new york

i mean go to my website brendan walsh com b r e n d o n

w a l s h uh

and i’m gonna

be taping a couple episodes of the john oliver show

what’s that work

so you know the guy from the

daily show john oliver the english dude

okay correspondent

he has he’s a

stand up and he has his own

stats like john oliver and friends so he comes out

to host the show and then there’s like four comics and

do like ten minutes

is this a comedy central show comedy central

yeah and there’s if you go to my website there’s a link

if it’s this week this coming weekend

the fourteenth fifteenth and sixteenth you can

there’s a link on my

front page where you can go get free

tickets if you want to go to the taping it’s on the

nyu campus and then i’ll be in a

go bananas in cincinnati

nice february

tenth through thirteenth and uh

sun valley idaho

i think i did

go bananas in cincinnati i’m pretty sure i did

yeah you cincinnati’s a

weird one didn’t i

it’s i don’t know i don’t

think it was go bananas i

think you did the that’s one of the clubs

i think i did it

i think i did with ari

well there was because there was a show there once

there was a

ufc in cincinnati

is a weird place we have to

land in kentucky and they call the cincinnati airport

yeah it’s in kentucky yeah

yeah that’s a trip

and that’s the cincinnati

funny bone is actually in kentucky yeah

that’s the one that’s really

really yeah

i went to go bananas too once

power yeah that’s

benson’s favorite

club for some reason

it’s a really

small club man yeah it’s

i don’t know what it holds to

it’s like a basement sort of a

yeah it’s got a

cool i mean

the name go bananas does yeah i did it with justice

i did it with chris mcguire that’s why i did it with

brian long ass

time ago and then the next time i came i did the

funny bone i think

the fuck am i talking about

february 10th through 13th i’ll be at the

funny bone and

yeah at the new york

thing go to my website

at t shirts

com ladies gentlemen

um shows coming up i got the improv

in miami not

miami i ain’t

going there

sorry the improv in west palm

beach florida that’s

where i’m going

west palm beach is

28th 29th and 30th

and february 4th at the

mandalay bay theater in vegas

you dirty bitches

that one is a that’s

gonna be a good one that’s ari shafir

and joey diaz

if joey diaz

doesn’t pull a joey diaz

yeah like you did the other

night at sal’s yeah

we were all at sal’s yeah

brendan was at

sal’s as well well

and joey was supposed

to go up and do a set and he just fucking vanish

even tweeted

i’ll see you tonight cocksucker

listen cocksucker there’s

things i need

you decided

not to go shit happens shit happens i

get on my path

i gotta stick

there i’m a

loyal soldier

cocksucker i

gotta do what i gotta do

he’s joe diaz man just sometimes he pulls a joe diaz

doesn’t want to

i don’t know him

super well but i hear

about him a lot from dying

he’s a fucking national treasure

funniest man ever walked the face of the planet

no one’s close

no one’s made me

laugh as hard i’ll show you a

video once we get done with this okay

ladies and gentlemen that’s it

show’s over

thank you to the flashlight

flashlight rather

if you go to joe rogan

net and you

click the link and

you could get a

flashlight for 15

off you enter in the code the code is rogan and

you get a discount

discount on your

masturbatory tool

and i do support

it it’s a fucking excellent product gives you

massive ball

twitching orgasms

if you can get

past the fact that you’re fucking a rubber vagina

your grown man this is what you

chose to do with your time

that’s fucking awesome when you’re taking it

on when you’re loading it in the dishwasher

we will have another podcast on

thursday we’re not exactly sure who’s

gonna be there we got a couple options we’re

gonna figure that shit out so we’ll have another one of

these on thursday and of course your itunes

freaks you don’t care

you get it when you get it

you don’t really get it at the same time

unless you go to joe rogan

net you can always download it

right away right

after we do it tuesday and

thursday it’s

always available online i’m talking too much and i’m

tired of sounding my own fucking voice

i can goodbye goodbye everyone

as always we love you bitches


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