those were the days i remember we used to be
close when i was nine coldest winter i remember
was slipping in december two feet of snow
yeah that’s the east coast that black ice
symbolized the rap life it was slick and smooth
understood i had to come from the hood doing the peace
the
on that line forever i wish somebody
would step on my valley levels that was whatever
hip hops forever kept my radio on 98 a bls had a
he spent my little brother tried to warn him
i was a tornado coming he knew from inside like the eye
of a storm and told my pops about it
he gave us tickets to that wild style flick
double trouble retarded
he was the proudest i never had a summer job
socks to my knees homemade
shorts cut off please i ain’t worth a day in my life
wiping away eraser off the paper man
i’m just trying to say it right big radio
tape flowing down nowhere the lights go battery
dead i gotta freeze them to the ice cold in the freezer
later i’m staring at the speaker
sunken i’m 80 ways deeper cleaning my sneakers
with the bristles of a toothbrush
soap and water i lick the shoestrings soap and water
ain’t got nothing to do with old school new school
dirty south west coast east coast this is about us
is that nas
yeah nas versus justice mash up
this is our thing
you know that he’s got some of my favorite lyrics
yeah that backwards
song shit i like the background songs yeah
the cleverest you know
he’s like a guy you know hit you in some
lyrics and just make you go whoa
like didn’t expect that totally
ladies and gentlemen welcome to the podcast
we started off in a very strange vibe today
is that me chewing gum or is that you chewing gum no
one was chewing gum by the way last week we apologize
it was eliza
slashinger’s dog and
her sweet little dog
we wanted to
chill the dog out so we gave the dog this little
rawhide toy
and homeboy was
going to work
while the podcast was
going on it
sounded like someone snapping gum
that’s not what it was yeah
we’re sorry
about that shit
it was just a dog
if it’s a dog isn’t it a little bit less annoying
yeah it’s totally annoying
well no it’s less annoying
yeah because if it’s a person like
assholes just chewing his fucking gum that’s so rude so
it wasn’t like people being rude to you
just being nice to a dog just imagine it’s the
sounds of a flashlight
and it’s so much better
just being used eww
that’s worse than a dog no it is
worse than dog
brian what the fuck is
wrong with you not for the
ladies the ladies
would like to
think that more than a dog chewing probably
all i’m trying to say is no one’s chewing gum
that’s all i’m trying to say
ladies and gentlemen brennan
walsh please welcome brendan walsh to the podcast
hi everybody
fresh out of
texas bitches
fresh out at
fucking austin
austin texas is
such a strange
place man just one like
super hippie
spot in the middle of
this really conservative kind of fucking you know drag
black guys behind
trucks yeah
a lot of that shit
going on outside of that you know i mean i love
dallas and i love houston and i love the cities in
texas but like
there’s a big difference between austin and a lot and
everywhere else
like in even
i’d say houston but
like houston has a cool part of
their town there’s
like a little part of the city that’s kind of okay
but any other
place just imagine
for a second living in dallas
or any other
place in texas
austin is just so different
for not just for the
state i mean
for the country it’s like it’s a unique cool
place to live it’s a
weird vibe right
it’s really always fascinated me
when towns like
get a vibe like san francisco in the 60s i would have
loved to have seen what that was like oh i think
about that a lot
do you yeah
yeah like documentaries on it like
that must have
been so strange before acid was illegal and
yeah i mean i
watched the
the end of hair last night
you know the
movie hair yeah
and just the last
scene i was hanging out with my friend
henry phillips do you know henry yes
and yeah i don’t know he’s a musician guy
yeah music he’s the one who played with doug
yeah he played on ocd
um something to take the edge off
it’s one of my favorites that
helps you it’s a great one
and he did it very rhythmically together they work
great you know
yeah it’s funny when doug
and this is obviously you know
secondhand but uh
i’ve heard it from both of them when they first
started hanging out like doug knew
henry was a guitar comic
and didn’t see his act for years
cause he was afraid he’s
like well if i see your act it’s guitar comedy it’s
gonna suck i won’t be friends with you anymore
and but then when he said
henry’s hilarious
i mean i don’t know if you’re familiar with his
stuff but i’m not too familiar with it but that is a
funny thing man it’s
really hard to be friendly with someone who’s not funny
yeah and they were yeah they were
pounding around
a lot so doug was like i don’t even want to see it
that’s funny
yeah but henry’s
great he actually
while we were talking in the car he has a
movie called
punching a clown
that he made it’s hilarious and it’s a
it’s out you can
get it on netflix or whatever do they have a netflix
streaming i don’t
think it’s on
streaming damn
but uh but it’s
definitely you know we’re by copying
by the way before we get started
i don’t have anything
invested in the
movie i have to
thank our sponsor the flashlight
it is actually our sponsor
yeah i’ve heard that
dude don’t put the rubber dick on them
you’re always
creeping people out with a rubber dick
they made a
rubber dick but no one’s fucked this you don’t have to
worry about it but
check it out have you ever felt one of
these things before
no philly so you
that’s like
some serious tech that’s supposed to be butthole
some serious
technology man yeah
that’s pretty
weird i mean this is
they’ve figured
out masturbation they got that shit nailed yeah
that’s pretty fucking
sporty it’s great
yeah if they just keep making
these i think the
evolution of the
masturbatory device is over i mean this is good enough
yeah yeah maybe some sort of a
self cleaning jammy
might be pretty good iphone
charging doc hey iphone on verizon today
yes did you hear
about this good for you iphone’s coming out on verizon
oh i heard something last
night the only
thing that sucks is it’s not
international and
if you go somewhere
like if you go to england try to use it it’s not
gonna work and data and voice
yeah you can’t use but
you know how
often is that come up is that come up for you oh
yeah hey i’m on the
phone hey you
wanna go get something
to eat tonight yeah hold on let me look online
and find out a good rest oh
and you do it
right while you’re talking
huh and you do it
right while you’re talking you do it
on at amp t oh
i do it all the time
or you’re like talking to somebody
listen to pandora or something
on one hand it’s like
that i don’t know can you just hang up the
phone on the
other hand that is kind of cool to be
able to do that yeah do you use a headset or something
well a car bluetooth
oh right right
right are you driving
while you’re doing this no like i
like i suck
that’s like
more complicated than
texting you fuck
you’re out there risking lives no like stoplights and
stuff oh only at stoplights
you gotta discipline yourself son dude and the
traffic out here is a little bit different than most
places most of the time you’re sitting here
going two miles an hour you know it’s
still it’s dangerous
texting you can go two
miles an hour dangerous fucking
red lights you didn’t see it in time span
you like you don’t do it at all
no i don’t allow myself to because i’m worried
about hitting somebody man i’m worried
about being irresponsible well
definitely when you’re on the highway going 55
miles an hour i’m just doing it i just won’t look at it
you know i’ll take
phone calls and i can make
phone calls with my car makes
you know it does bluetooth so you
can actually tell it to depress a button and say call
brian and you just talk through your stereo
yeah that’ll do but
i’m not fucking texting
that’s crazy i’ve seen people do it
i’ve had people do it
while they were driving and i was a passenger and i
asked them to stop i’m like man you can’t do that
that’s too crazy
like that’s like you’re like
riding a motorcycle on one leg
right you might get away with it
but this shit
might end ugly man put the fucking
phone down you’re typing with two hands
and controlling the
steering wheel with your pinky
it’s a 2 000
pound piece of me
machinery not your two
thousand more like four now do that
do thousands
like a race
car that’s like a stripped down car with like
yeah i don’t know how much cars we found 40
now do all that two
miles per hour
you could probably do it right
way easy yeah and that’s why you
allow myself
traffic in la
i hear you man i just when i’m in my car
something there’s a guy
named tony v from boston
and he taught me this and he was
he was a comic
a comic from boston excuse me
and he was traveling
from boston to new york a lot he was driving like
he was going like all the time like
a couple times a week
you know it’s like two and a half hours oh
there and back and he was
going back and forth and back
and forth and i said
doesn’t that
drive you crazy like how do you not go nuts
when you’re fucking driving
you know what
the way i look at it i get in the car i just goes then
i say this is what i’m doing now i’m driving my car
it’s like i’m not
gonna freak out
about it because i’m just
gonna keep doing it i do it all the time
yeah just it’s all on how you approach it
and i went wow that’s such a fucking
smart way of looking at it and i like
forced me to rewire the way i look at certain things
hmm you know like bullshit that’s boring
travel air travel
you know you can really
bum yourself out and go fuck and get in the fucking
plane but you just know it’s
ahead of you just get zen
just get zen
i have the same
kind of attitude with the driving i
drove a lot when i first
started you know
doing the road and
i had driven from austin to la
or san diego a
bunch of times that’s like a
twenty hour
drive and i
would just do it you know
drive do it straight through most of the time
but it’s just like you know it’s like all
right well i’m
gonna be in the car for a couple days yeah
and i just want to get there
i mean i’m a fucking i’m an animal behind the
wheel you worry
about man the
whole fucking
speeding is i don’t i don’t speed
like crazy no i’ll do like just
right around 10
miles over the limit
just on there
crazy there’s like a little gambling
thing you do because
you see people whiz
past you when you’re doing that
it’s like well
that guy’s doing a fucking hundred
yeah like nobody’s
gonna pull me over to certain
people on the highway just go this guy
should not be driving man
how many times you’ve been on
the high when you see some dude just weaving in and out
that need for speed bag
you know inside that guy’s car is probably
sounds like hmm
like he’s probably one of
those like guy that
pimps out his card that like you know like need for
speed drifting he probably
drifts around
sometimes is
just a lot sometimes it’s just douchebags man
well it’s people everybody’s the most important fucking
thing in the
world like like when you see cars fucking parked
in parking lots and are
not like when people
totally cross over two
spaces like real assholes
but like just if they’re like
kind of not between the lines
right it’s like what are you in such a
hurry for like
i always straighten my car out and fucking make sure
you’re not gonna fucking
be part is this like
line though there’s this fine line between
being a courteous
driver and getting
stuck behind a monkey
yeah you know sometimes you just see some dude like all
these fucking
dummy you don’t even know what you’re doing dummy
you’re fucking
panicking you’re locking up the
street okay
do i go around this guy
fuck yeah just go
yeah you know
sometimes you have to make that move to oh yeah
cause otherwise it just be back there
going really yeah it’s just took ten minutes longer
cause you’re retarded yeah
i gotta be behind you you fuck
that’s why there needs to be something in the future
where you can just
shoot that guy like a text message
using his license
plate number or something like
fuck you i hate you just
speed he’s my balls ideally
brian the utopia
would be that they
would no longer
exist and we would use
robots for retarded labor
those people wouldn’t
exist anymore we
would have a
fully enlightened society we
would be able
to really go into the ghettos and revive the
school systems there because we
wouldn’t be
afraid of having poor people around all the time
kill them off
now we would be fine man we be utopia
we wouldn’t be afraid
anymore that’s the idea
brian i know
not supposed to
shoot them text messages that shit’s not
gonna help they’re
stupid what we
gotta do is stop making
stupid people we
gotta help those people to not be
stupid therefore
their children won’t be stupid
and there’ll be no more
stupid people
that shit is all possible
yeah or we just think
well i mean it’s like
it’s possible
that a dude though
like a genetic dude
where you go like this guy no matter what
this is that guy he’s fucked he’s just working on
three cells of a nine cell battery he’s just
he just doesn’t
yeah it’s not all there he’s not that there’s not much
going on up there
there’s a lot of people that are just like that like
some guys have big dick
some guys do not
some guys have
super powerful
brains some guys do not some guys have
brains that suck
you know that’s a unfortunate part of life
and it’s not even that you’re you have down syndrome
we have a disease
you just don’t
some jackass yeah
yeah there’s a spectrum
unfortunately there’s a
biological spectrum of people yeah and it includes
brains you know
yeah i mean you need
kind of like
you need some people to deliver pizzas and
fill potholes
right now you
do right now
you do until
we figure out how to make
robots that can do everything
then you don’t need people anymore
no need people doing any nonsense
things you just need
robot repair people
that’s all you need
right i can’t wait for that like like you
guys that’ll
be every like when you’re
watching maury
povich that you see
those commercials for like
robot repair college well i had this
joke that i used to do about
two things you’ll
never see the same time is
marijuana being
legal and jetpacks
because society
would crumble
right there
would be no work if you had jetpacks
you’d have to
you know like you have to
break things
down it’s very important you don’t have too much fun
you want to keep society rolling
brian’ll tell you that
right brian that’s right
brian’s just 100
fun i am fun
so this iphone the problem is you’re not
gonna be able to
do calls and get online at the same time
well that’s
to me that’s a pretty big deal for me
i’m a very data
very multitasking iphone user
and at least i want that option
where to me i have verizon and
i have a palm pre plus
and it’s great but
i’ve noticed you know
trying to do
things on that
you know when i’m on the phone and
the iphone on
at amp t if at amp
t was the ship
the iphone would be the
greatest thing ever
but at amp g’s just sucks it so hard
yeah it’s gonna be
so much nicer
i don’t have an iphone
but i don’t know anybody who
can and get reception
anywhere like
where they live like dude
this is what happens man when we have a
ufc there’s like 18 000 people in the arena
yeah but for
anyone’s there
i can use my
iphone i can get online i can go on my twitter i can
check things out
but as soon as the
arena fills up it’s dead
it’s useless you can’t get online now
i try to twitter
from my phone like when
things happen in between rounds
i can’t do it now imagine half of that
arena if not more leaving
that arena to go to the verizons
arena and then
your cell phone
would work better right
that’s what the biggest
problem is is overcrowding on
towers and the hand
off so do you
think that’s
gonna happen
the same way with verizon is it the same sort of a
system cause
how much i think it’s good i
think it’s gonna dilute
the cell phones
coverage out
completely you know it’s
going it’s not
gonna be everyone on at amp
t just so they can have an iphone it’s
gonna be kind of more you know deluded
right but what i’m saying is do you
think that a verizon is
gonna get overburdened
can they handle at first
capacity at
first i bet yes there’s
gonna be a lot of problems that’s so crazy
i bet you’ll
watch verizon’s network deteriorate at
least in the
first couple
months during
south by southwest
a couple years ago
nobody’s iphones worked in the
whole town cause
150 000 hipsters
all with iphones come to town
where there’s already and
do you just couldn’t get a hold of anybody that is
so ridiculous
you guys were forced
at south by
southwest to go like caveman
so i have team up
yeah oh you’re fine yeah
i have i have a blackberry
but i couldn’t get a hold of anyone
i used to have a at t
blackberry and i thought you know this is just the
waste coverage is
and then i got a verizon one
and drive around
la like all the spots it used to drop off it
doesn’t drop off now yeah
that to me is
fucking gigantic that’s the most important
thing i got to be able to talk to you
i got to be able to talk to you can’t talk to you
and if the phone cuts it that’s
number one to me yeah iphones are way better than
blackberries
but for me the most important
thing is i gotta be able to
definitely know that i can get a hold of you that i can
get a signal
that’s annoying as fuck to
me when there’s a lot of dead zones when you can’t keep
an important conversation when you’re driving somewhere
but you still
have to have an important conversation i can have
those conversations in my car
with verizon
yeah but all
those problems are
90 a lot of it
is from overcrowding the cell phone
tower is that true because what i
heard is that gsm
has a harder time switching
towers well it
would be true if you
drove the same
place every single day
and it happened at the
exact same place
while you’re on the
phone every
single time it does
to me it happens
to me there’s one
place that i know of
where you just go
down this little loop and you lose service for a second
and that’s the only
place i can
that i remember
every single time but
other than that
it’s so random from me
driving to legends driving to the jujitsu gym
right there’s a few
places where it just always cuts out
every single time
but with verizon it
doesn’t boring in
his fucking conversation
this is pretty cool
it’s like a couple of guys hanging out on
their break
fucking loading doc
this is techno verizon talk what’s amazing though
is how many people who are like on verizon
or on at amp t want you to be on it too
you know those assholes like come on man get with
sprint bro yeah
sprint look at this
i got this phone man it’s
good for minutes
it’s good it’s good for minutes though
if you know like you have minute to minute calling
and roll over minutes that’s true and
stuff like that that’s true you
could look at i mean that’s a
smart way of looking at it right
some people want to be on the same team as you
when you have at amp
t if you don’t use like 50 minutes the next
month you keep that 50 minutes and it adds onto your
minute collection and you can collect them you
know i just have unlimited
right yeah you can do that too
which is you’re paying probably
extra than you really need to
i guess if you looked at it
let me throw my hat into the ring here
what was that
t mobile it
doesn’t seem like a stripper
strippers all have that
you really don’t
is that is that a stripper
phone number oh fuck yeah that’s a
strip that’s okay
it works everywhere i’ve got cricket
wait so like now i’m cricket
i got cricket and team
what
what is t mobile like fucking oh no skank
it is a weird one that’s a weird one yeah
verizon is you’re a
you know no nonsense person
that’s like you don’t want to lose a signal
that’s coke and
pepsi and you’re drinking rc well when i got it
you’re like a
child like you don’t even
have the iphone and you got that shitty service right
no it’s good i don’t have any
t mobiles no problems
i know where yeah like it oh it always works
and it’s like i don’t pay that much oh
no no i actually
would go with
t mobile before
i noticed right
really really
my touch it’s like
basically the iphone yeah
yeah keep telling yourself that
yeah it’s got a
bunch of apps yeah i got
radio shack version
or something not even close
see iphone five years ago
check this out look well this is an
older model fucking
phone is that’s that’s that that really is like some
crazy leap of
technology i
never thought it was at first
but then i realized as time went on when you
start dealing with the applications then you realize
whoa this is like the most insane little device ever
this is not just a
phone i can hold this fucking
thing up to a
speaker and it’ll tell me what the song is
and also like i just put i know way
ghetto i just
discovered the
well angry birds you know that
fucking video game no no but
like i was yeah i’m
whatever i just i
never fuck with that shit and somebody
showed it to me recently i was like oh this is fun
but the fact
that you pull the bird back with your
screen just the fact
that it’s like this
thing knows
like how far and how hard to pull this
rubber band
how do they know
where that is on the screen
and it’s alien
technology it’s crazy
it must be yeah yeah
it’s like you know at a certain
point in time people look at
things and they just go how did this ever get
thought up you know
and really it does seem like it’s
alien shit it’s
gotta be something
because how did we make the leap from like
when i was a kid there were fucking rotary
phones and then
now there’s this i’m 37
and like i was
using rotary
phones and like you know
we didn’t have
microwaves like if you wanted to make a potato
when i was like
eight years old
you’d have to
block out like 40 minutes
to make a fucking potato
right you have to fucking
bake that shit yeah and when
like microwaves were just like oh here’s this new
thing and yeah i don’t know
i remember that
i remember that
well it’s you know when i was
43 when i was a kid there was no
self there was no answering machines rather
no you couldn’t even get a hold of somebody if you just
you had a call remember when it was like an emergency
or you’re trying to call
radio station you’re trying to do the
rotary dial and he’s like
you like trying to
force it to go faster how
crazy is caller id the
first time i saw caller
id i was like whoa they can tell you who’s calling
like a little digital readout
was like a separate
stand alone
device yeah
it would read the number as it was calling in and it
would say it out loud
call from three two
three one one six
you like whoa we are in the fucking future
i had when i was in austin
when everybody was getting the caller id boxes
i guess i don’t know if i had to change
the number into my name or something either way i got i
found out you
could get listed as whatever you want in the
white pages
so i told him my name was guy chinese
so every time
when i called one of my friends it just it said
chinese guy
because some
chinese guy called because it does last name
first right
and yeah that’s
just that’s something i was reminded of recently
when you look at the
phone when an iphone like when you get a
phone call and
it’s coming in and you see that full resolution
photo of the person oh yeah
you see their name over it it’s like
i don’t think we realize how fucking
crazy that idea
really is the
idea that you’re able to send
photos and images to each
other all of it
for stream video
but touchscreen
is like yeah that
fucking blows my mind
i don’t how does an ipad work
how does that shit fucking work and how did that just
happen all of a
sudden exponential
advances in technologies
like one guy figures out one
thing that applies
to something else and they all get in together
and then they come up with a better one and then it
builds from there
there’s so many
fucking people working on this shit all over the
world i mean yeah
and you know
technology begets better
technology it just keeps
going and going and
going and going
and it’s at a fever pitch
for christmas i got an
apple tv and i don’t know
if you’ve seen this this little box that you look up
to your tv and it’s pretty
i fucking love it
and i have an xbox i have a ps3 i have all that shit
but this thing is so
perfect and what’s cool
about it with your iphone like if you’re sitting there
and you want to
search for a
movie on netflix or itunes or something like that
you just connect it with the remote application
and you just sit
there and use your iphone as like the best remote ever
it’s perfect
so you can use it
you can connect to like this
slide shows what’s cool if you have a
flickr so your iphone connects as a wireless remote
right and if you have any
videos or photos or anything on your
phone you just press play
and it will transfer it to your
tv and your
sound system
so like i was
watching like
videos i filmed
and just transferred it to my
and you’re watching on tv yeah
from my iphone
or i wanted to use my itunes on here so i
transferred it to
holy shit like
wireless and you can
share other computers my old roommate had that
and i could
yeah there’s a setting in it i
could play all my itunes and shit through the tv
through the tv
and what’s also cool is that
if you have a
flicker account it connects to your
photos and you can do like the last 200 photos
so i have like if
you’ve ever been in my
flicker just
random photos
it makes like
these cool collages as like a
screensaver
while you’re listening to
music so it’s just like this tripped out
slideshow from all your last 200
flickers and
it’s crazy like there’s
pictures of you
and then there’s
pictures of like you
know like joey
diaz’s balls and just
mixed into like this collage
it’s badass
and you can do it to anybody so i
could do it to yours
like i could type in
yeah add joe’s
flickr account so then it does a
slideshow of all your
photos like your last 200
god damn badass
what the fuck is
going on love
it i don’t know
i’m still upset you guys told me i have a dorky
cell phone carrier
no i mean it is a
fellow you’re
gonna be fine it is a
key you actually do have a
trackball on
i know you gotta realize
trackballs are so 2000 so i’m really i’m so not a
technology guy like i don’t
i don’t know i don’t feel the
need like when new shit comes out i know you’re like
yeah i know it and i just i don’t know i can
like this is create that’s like fuck i don’t even
like realistically
you’re right
scott that’s why you’re yours
you’re much more logical
i mean realistically just stay
you don’t pay attention as much stay out a bit
behind the curve and just did
fucking it’s plenty it’s
and then people who are like
who get all the new shit they’ll be like oh wait you
don’t have an ipod i’ll give you one here take this one
you know you’re like oh cool and i have like a
first edition ipod but it’s the coolest
thing i ever own right
that’s awesome
yeah completely true
cause i give all my shit away to like
like my friends like duncan
yeah duncan has got like a
whole entertainment
system just like old
printers and oh wow lcd
screens and duncan’s got my old iphone
yeah oh that’s
right he was talking
about that the
other night they him and natasha just
moved in up the
street for me
so yeah hang out
from orgy time
yeah that’s
right we’re already working it out
free go get
some free go
me and duncan are
gonna double team natasha
get mayor cutie involved in
isn’t it beautiful that you work with comedians and you
could say things like that no one gets upset
i will see i
will see but this is if this was you know
a group of plumbers
at some sort of
talk about double teaming someone’s wife yeah
it’s not really yeah not really that
funny but comedians
were you know
you just accept it
for the most part well
first of all you know when to say it and how to say it
right you know but there’s a lot of
people that aren’t
comics that
would say it and you’d be pissed probably you know oh
sure yeah i’m a
comic and i just said that to you
about your wife and you’d be like what well you gotta
talk about banging someone’s wife you gotta
really know them good
yeah yeah yeah
you can’t just fucking
you know crack jokes
about that to some guy
you don’t know you know it’s gotta be
after you know
i’ve been around you and the wife for 10 years and you
haven’t tried to fuck her yet
right you could be some
crazy person yeah
cracking jokes and making everybody uncomfortable yeah
i always think it’s
weird when you find out like somebody
that you think you
or that you do know fairly well and then you
touch on something
weird where it’s just an innocuous joke
about like oh i
heard your mom has big
tits or whatever
right and you’re like hey fuckin
no no i’m not down
with that mom shit you’re like what wait what you’re
rational about
every other
thing but then
there’s like this weird
line that can be
crossed yeah
well there’s people that are looking for you to
cross a line all the time to oh yeah
that’s fucking
out of line bro yeah there’s
those out of line guys that are
looking to say that
it’s unacceptable yeah
did you see that documentary
about banksky
or banksy banksky
exit through the gift yeah
exit through the gift shop no
i didn’t i saw the preview and it didn’t compel
me it’s pretty interesting
it’s good it’s good
it’s one it’s one of
those things that you’re
gonna look at at least la
a little bit different now really
like there’s so many
things that you just
don’t even notice like that andre the giant
uh symbol that’s
everywhere right
it shows the guy that
makes that and what he does and how he’s been doing
it he’s been doing it throughout you know everywhere
and it just shows also like all
these street
what when the guy does
that comes out and says that can’t they arrest him um
i mean because they consider that like when you put
those images all over the
place like that they consider that
they probably
could i mean vandalism
i’d say but
maybe unless they
catch you red handed like you
could go around all day and
say yeah i put that up there but really if there’s no
proof i mean how are they gonna
prove that you did it
well you’re saying you did it
you’re an artist here’s your work
here’s this
first original sketches yeah
i did i put myself on a billboard
in silver lake
oh yeah i was driving
home from the airport and i saw there was a top chef
the new season for top chef like last season
was in washington dc
and they had all the contestants standing
in like the reflecting
pool at the washington monument on this billboard
and when i was driving past that i just thought like
it’d be funny as shit if there was just some other
if so you just
added another cast
member some weird dude
and i had just seen that exit through the gift shop and
you know they get
these big things
printed up real
big at kinko’s i was like oh i can get it
print it up and i called and was like
they do adhesive vinyl
at kinko’s you make it as big as you want so i put on
i put on like a fedora
and a chef shirt like
everyone else was wearing it had a big pot and was like
stirring it
i had my friend take a
picture and i had to
print it up real big at kinko’s and then
and then i rented a ladder from home depot and
climbed up on the roof of the 7 eleven
and fucking
stuck myself my
oh my god i have some odds and the thing is i
my guy is like half the size i’m way smaller than them
well one of them i miss i can’t well this is true
i i misjudged i did misjudge the size of the billboard
slightly but i did
want myself to be
smaller because i was
going to put myself like i was in the
background of the reflecting pool like has
right in the pot
but when i got up there i couldn’t
reach up high enough so
it’s just like the cast of people did you
worry about falling
no it was on the roof of a 7 eleven
so i just had to get up onto the roof
and then use another like an
eight foot ladder
to get up to the billboard that’s awesome
dude that’s so cool that’s hilarious
yeah i can pull it up on now can you get in
trouble for this though
should we not talk
about that well
it’s done it’s over like they took the billboard down
right but it was somebody else’s ad
well you know what
i was at a party and there was an
executive producer for the show
who heard about it and thought it was hilarious
well so they gave the
green light
i have to get it out of my email
no well they just
i mean it was already there
yeah i mean it’s not like you’re ruining it
and it’s so creative
you know it was
pretty fun that’s a
genius idea it
was and yeah i
guess i can’t i won’t sell out to people who helped me
but me and the guy
who was like
my lookout like i had a guy on the corner just to
see cause it was at a busy intersection
and just he was i had my headphones on with my cell
phone he was just over there just like all
right there’s no cops no
cop like he
was just there to tell me if cops were coming
but we both like
after we did it
we both agreed like i
haven’t felt that kind of like excitement
it was like
it was a feeling that i
haven’t really felt
since like 15 or 16 like just real mischief like oh we
might get caught and
right i don’t know there was a certain like
cause we weren’t like
drunk or high or
like there was a certain kind of innocence and like
fuckin oh man i
haven’t felt like that in a
while like that was like
cause like if you get caught too like what’s
gonna happen
like especially you’re sober you’re not high
and the cops like what are you doing
you’re like well i just yeah i know i just put my
picture on there
that’s i don’t know you know i’m a fucking
idiot i guess what is that
right let’s get this over with like
cause if you’re not wasted or anything right
right then what do they get you with to get you with
prime vandalism
like it’s pretty serious i
talked to my friends in that
it’s pretty serious if it costs a lot of
money to fix
billboard it’s not but
like people that have
sprayed the side of
buildings and it cost a lot to repair
it can be really expensive
yeah well i
think there’s a big difference between graffiti
i guess and like what like banks
and all these like
street artist guys
these guys are actually making like
pieces of art that are okay but some
of the graffiti guys do some badass
work yeah but you know
these guys do some
stuff that where
people want that graffiti
so bad they’ll buy
the wall of that building
for millions of dollars you know
i mean that’s how big
these guys are
and the cool
thing about this
movie is that it
shows how they do that
how they sell you the wall of a
building they
would listen
so we’re gonna take this fucking
building and
they’ll take the wall off a piece
of that part of the building wow yeah this is
i’ve never even heard of that yeah what this parts
watch this documentary
that’s a billboard that i never got to
or that’s the
thing i was gonna put on the billboard
10 foot by four foot wiener sticker
there were these ads for
i don’t know
what it was like urgent care or something and the
whole billboard is just a blue billboard with
white writing and not like font
that said my
blank hurts
my blank line
hurts so we’re
gonna put we’re
gonna fill it in with yes i just said billboards and my
winner hurts
it was in november and
like i was on the road
and i got back and saw
either way i saw the billboard was like let’s do that
it was like
that time it was like mid november it rained for like
two weeks almost every
night it rained so we couldn’t do it because it’s a big
sticker we couldn’t do it when it was raining
we didn’t want
to do it on a friday or saturday because it was
a busy kind there was a bar
right there
either way the
night when we
were finally it wasn’t raining we were
gonna do it
they took the billboard down oh
fucking we missed it by
literally a few
hours can’t you just find like a schwarzenegger
billboard there’s
no more there’s
no wiener or something
well yeah i mean we have the
sticker yeah you
could put wiener somewhere else well i
could also just
spray paint over it and
make it into something i’ve
been keeping my eyes out for
easy to access billboards
yeah you should put it on
like like you know like
i don’t know
the wiener abortion clinic
billboard or something we’ll see
where the fuck have you seen abortion like a planned
parenthood where like a woman’s looking down at it
all the friends abortion clinic
or how about like the planned parenthood when
we’re like the woman’s looking down at her belly
you know something about decisions don’t
be scared just put wiener on her stomach or something
yeah i don’t know well i just i’ve been
thinking of like oh i need to find a use for the wiener
sticker but it’s like i can just
paint over it like it can still sew
now i’m looking to see
cause it’s 10 feet by 4 feet that’s a lot of
vinyl that’s fun next time you do that let me
videotape it
okay that’d be hilarious guys are both
going to jail i’ll do it
anyway this documentary
here’s the important part about it
it’s about this
what’s made is called exit through the gift shop yeah
it’s this camera guy
he fucking is this
crazy french guy that just videotapes
everything and he has
boxes and boxes and
boxes and boxes of tapes you know of mini dv tapes
and then one day he was like bored and
he was like i might
wanna become an artist like this
he ended up doing this show and
selling art from thousands and thousands
of dollars and just pretty much proved that like
his art this guy hired
other people to do all his artwork and
paintings and
sculptures and stuff
so it wasn’t even
him doing the art he was hiring people to do all these
pieces of art and then became an artist from that
and it’s like
it kind of like
that’s what the
point of the
movie was like how
crazy that journey is well
they’re different
what is art you know
there are different
opinions on the
movie too a lot of people
think the whole
thing is just some banksy hoax
where he made all that art i see that
the camera guy
was fake like this is all just a big put on i see that
and it could be i mean and then there’s
other theories
where it’s like oh well
that guy was real but that was all just banksy’s art
i don’t know
but it’s all such a
great documentary
really fucking
love that that good yeah that good it’s good netflix
streaming too so
watch it on your iphone on a shitter
there’s too many
things to watch i just all win a bag
oh man have you seen that
no that’s that guy who is the salesman the illusionist
motherfucker
i want it’s well there’s a documentary
about him really
yeah they went and
found it was pretty it’s good it’s
it’s a good documentary yeah
wow it is it was pretty so
interesting
about this guy
well i mean it’s
funny they show all
those old clips you
know of him
all the outtakes of him losing his shit and
so the guy tracks him down
and he’s like this very kind of zen
dude and he like hangs out with him for a day
then he gets home and
starts getting all
these weird messages from him like how
that was a fucking
put on like the guy’s kind of nutty and angry
it’s just an interesting documentary it’s just the guy
then the guy like yeah i don’t know he called
i’m confused he
calls that back
so he calls
him back and says that that was a put on yeah
he’s like that wasn’t really
me i’m fucking like he’s got problems and he’s angry
he’s just like kind of
yeah he’s a little nutty
but it’s good it’s actually yeah it’s
weird and tight because
yeah it’s a good documentary just it’s a
there’s a lot of nutty motherfuckers out there
how about this crazy guy that went nutty in arizona
yeah yeah i don’t know much
about it i mean i know what happened but i don’t
i haven’t been reading these bonkers
they talked to his classmates
classmates were terrified of them thought he was
gonna shoot people how old was he he’s probably young
his youtube
videos his youtube videos
freak me the fuck out that you posted there
come there’s complete
disconnect in his youtube videos it’s like he’s just
not making any sense whatsoever it’s just a
weird strange just
pile of words hot pots
together wasn’t there anybody inside
it’s just strange very strange
was he just like isolated
from society
didn’t he have like family or friends he had
family he lived with his parents i believe
he was just really crazy
obviously there’s
some sort of a serious mental imbalance and he
just went nuts
and people are blaming on
sarah palin
cause sarah palin had
these website
where she had all
these people
that we were
targeting like we got to get rid of
these people in your district campaign
against them and she had like
targets on them
like little bullseye
targets like they were in
gun sites exactly yeah
yeah gun sites that’s the
right word not
targets that be what you would hit
right yeah but
the whole the whole
thing behind it you know
it’s just such a fucking strange debate
you know well
it’s like yeah
you really do have a certain responsibility you
gotta recognize
that the shit you’re saying is flammable
you know and not everybody’s
gonna be able to handle it
and there’s a certain amount of nuts out there
that if you put certain thoughts in
their head yeah they
might do something really fucking
crazy and they
haven’t done it before you
might be the
straw that breaks the camel’s back
you know you go putting bullseyes on people or you know
gun sites on people and
there’s somebody out there that
might just that’s it that’s all they need
and they go yeah it’s not is it your
fault that they’re that fucked up
absolutely not
but you got a certain amount
of fucking responsibility when you’re in the public eye
in a position like that
crazy bitches
yeah you know she someone’s
gonna talk to her
so he’s gonna let her know
like you can’t encourage violence you can’t do that
because you know that’s
you’re in a bad
your people are
savages all right
you know your people
look i would guarantee
they think that 41 percent
of americans believe that the
earth is less
than 10 000 years old this is a recent gallup
hole 41 percent
it’s i can’t like i
i’m so shut off like i mean it’s so disheartening it’s
scary right but
think about
those people
they can vote just like you and i can oh dude yeah so
sarah palin
if she if she connects
you know with
those people
and she rides this wave of retards
like that’s
the numbers are very high it gets real
spooky i think ten years from now like there’s
gonna be a president in
office that makes george bush like look like a fucking
genius like and
sarah pitt like we’re not that far away
things are being diluted so much
and people are just
being dumbed down and dumbed down like i’m dumbed out
i used to be able to tell you a hundred
phone numbers
yeah i know my mom’s
phone number i
could probably
i probably know five
phone numbers now
yeah and that’s stretching it it’s probably more like
three i totally agree
but people but
these like generations were just being born
with never having to
learn a phone
number never having to retain
information because they have google and they have
it’s like yeah in ten years if there is a ten years
uh they’ll be
sarah palin
for president won’t like i mean yeah there’s
gonna be someone like her just some fuckin
i want to you it’s
like it’s real obvious that we’re moving in a direction
where things are
becoming more complex and
things are becoming more
technologically advanced
but at the same time people are getting so fucking soft
it’s almost like there’s two races going on
you know there’s a race the deevolution race
where we just fucking dissolve into
some blob like creature
and you know
the higher form
where they figure out how to you know
abandon and
the ego and transcend the
human body and
download consciousness
into computers and shit like that
i mean these
are two directions that are
going at the same time
people are devolving to the
fattest laziest cunts in the
world live in america
and then at the same time you know and
you know america’s supposed to be one of the biggest
first world
countries right
at the top of the heat when
the country’s fat
when there’s
money and when there’s
technology the
evolution is at a fucking staggering pace
well it’s why i feel like the
you know the people who are evolving like it’s just all
these people like the sarah palin
type people the people were behind that that’s like
they’re just they’re clinging
their speed bumps in their
tools like there it’s easy to
i don’t know manipulate like
it’s like there’s a some kind of
power that doesn’t want like people to
evolve like it’s easier to control people if they stay
stupid so it’s like well there’s
never gonna be
but they wanted they want it to they
want to be controlled i mean people get it’s comforting
that’s what it is it’s fucking comforting
you know when you have a certain box that you’ll
think in and that’s it
there’s no thinking outside that box
jesus is right here and there’s nothing
above that right
there you go
you don’t have to
think anymore you’re done
you have much more resources at your disposal
you don’t have to
think about shit
so for a lot of people it’s like a
managing the mind tool
you know for a lot of people it’s like
for them it’s like you you questioning any of
their shit it’s like you’re fucking up my mind
model right
you know and they get
angry at you you’re making me
sick already
jesus they’re
angry because like
their days are just filled with
sexual repression and
guilt and fucking you know it’s like so
crazy yeah so
they need to channel all that
towards you know
some fucking
dreadlock guy
and a cat in the hat hat fucking
yeah you gotta meet that guy he’s got something for you
you might you
might wanna make a separate trip
meet him in the parking lot
he’s got the bigger bag
bump this record
store by my
house is closing down
and it’s like i don’t even
think you can go to a record
store anymore but
you go stores like a
horses bro yeah okay
it’s i took
i need a fucking horse
yeah cars now
i like i like it though too i like
going to record
stores i like
going to video
stores to like i don’t have netflix like
oh i can’t do
video anymore it’s just i don’t
know i like kind of part of it is just like i’m just
gonna go goof off like i did in high
school like go to a fucking record
store get high
and i’m just
i don’t even know what i’m here for let’s see let’s
browse like
let’s find some gem
but like with netflix like alright well i’m
ordering you
know a few good men and
you know i have this queue of
everything that’s coming to be my
entertainment for the next
and itunes same
thing it’s like oh let’s just walk around amoeba
look through the discount lps and
yeah it’s like oh wow this is fucking
some shit i
never would have thought of to buy
yeah amoeba is a fantastic
place for that that’s a
great place
you know i like
going through uh
video stores too i like
going looking like in the horror section like what kind
of crazy shit you got in here that i
never heard of yeah
you tweeted
about um that
devil movie i
think yeah like
shyamalan i wanna
see that man i was pleasantly surprised
a lot of people got
angry on me on twitter
yeah after i said that they got
angry at me
they didn’t like it
like that fucking
movie suck cock
man i wanna see it people got violent
i tried to read it last
week but i was with a girl fucking girls don’t like
scary movies
you’re dating the
wrong girls
the girls that are willing to date
brian love scary
movies yeah
they’re all
well then maybe that says a lot because i
think i date pretty cool girls yeah
but yeah i’ve
never been with a girl that’s in this
third yeah they
never want to see
scary movies
any girl i’ve ever been
involved with i think
hmm i fucking love
scary movies oh i love them too they were all
scary i’m so
happy i don’t i don’t like em you know what i
would love every movie
about an animal that eats people
and they’re trying to
fight it off
do you know like the
ghost in the darkness
keep making more versions of the
ghost in the
darkness i just want lions that eat people i
think maximum overdrive is pretty sweet
remember that one was a big
green goblin
fucking semi
truck came to life
and ate and
tried to run over emilio estevez
yeah i love that
and i remember this
and i also like ac
dc did was that
based on a stephen king book yeah
no it wasn’t a book it was his
first screen
no it was the
first movie he ever
wrote specifically for the screen i
like that maybe
and one of my
second favorite horror
movies was christine’s i just like cars
cars coming to
horror movies shit i love the whole
the change in the dude
or he’s this real nerdy guy
and then he gets this car and then all of a
sudden the car
fucking turns him into this
badass cool
motherfucker who’s
super confident and
that was creepy man the
book is fantastic too his
books are great like
i read a shitload of stephen king books in high school
especially when he was doing coke
back in those days the
blackout days
he doesn’t remember a lot of the books that he
wrote like the
tommy knockers
one of my favorites
he doesn’t even remember writing that
i don’t think i read
tommy knockers
that dude was just he was just
pounding beer
doing lines and just writing the craziest shit ever
was he in creep
show like he acted in christian
right the guy that
gets covered yeah
and he was his acting was so
funny the faces he made
it’s so weird to
watch that scene
he’s crazy it’s
funny man because i remember when i was a kid and i
would tell people that i
would read stephen king
they almost like dismiss you
it’s like you’re not real serious
about your writing
right you know why aren’t you reading doschaevsky
or something
you know why aren’t you reading you know some some a
classic novel
cause there’s no fucking killer
clown that comes out of the fucking
drain and kill you
it was the shit
i love those fucking books man they’re good they’re fun
they’re exciting
but but you know
yeah i would like
to mock you they
would mock you your mind
yeah but it’s like
it’s fucking he’s
good that’s why he’s popular like bill i fucking i like
billy joel like
on iran’s billy joel’s fucking
great you know and it’s like i love old
billy joe we’ve talked about
in the podcast a
bunch of times really a
bunch of times i’m glad
people are talking
about yeah i’m a fan
because when i was a kid i loved
billy joel yeah that
stuff that he
started making like uptown girl
and all this i was like well
where you go
yeah there’s some clunkers
buddy the uptown girl yeah that
the shit did
like piano man
that is like some of the
greatest songs ever
yeah well the stranger
is like a great
album great
album that’s
almost every song on there is a fucking hit
and they’re all good
fifty second streets good
glass houses is kind of that’s when it
started to make the
the turn into the more kind of
poppy i think pressure on
glass houses
great song great song
yeah he’s a bad
motherfucker
she yeah but then you know
that all their
stuff i couldn’t hang with that uptown girl type shit
yeah and i was like what are you
doing raped one of my
heroes what’s the matter with the clothes on
dude that wasn’t
bad i like that song i thought that’s all
you know it was it was kind of
he kind of went into this like doo wop
50s kind of thing but
there was like a
thing in the 80s too
where the 50s kind of were cool
again like was that back to the future
i guess maybe
back to the future made it like that and
still rock and roll to me man that’s a good pop song
i doesn’t doesn’t bother
me yeah the uptown girl even
i mean uptown girls shouldn’t even bother me
see the guy was in love you got some
supermodel pussy
yeah she just let him go
crazy for he
was you know he was banging l macpherson
before that
was he yeah he was just on howard
stern recently such
a bad motherfucker he is he
yeah he really fucking told him some
talent always fucking
his casting couch
he was like an ugly john mayer
it’s like if john mayer and danny devito
had a kid more handsome than i when he was
young do you ever watch
do you follow danny devito on twitter yeah i do
what’s up with that i don’t want to see his toe anymore
oh come on man look at his toe he’s danny devito
i know what happened to
these stuff is toe
danny devito if you want to show me your toe bro
i will look at it respect
just once in a while
a fucking legend
and i’m just gonna show you
still you gotta look at it i love danny devito
i’m just kidding
if you were in front of that
who’s that fucking
guy that got caught with the shotgun in the bank
what’s that fucking oh
from the larry sanders yeah yeah
yeah rip rip
torn rip torn
yeah trip torn rip torn
is that his name
yeah i feel like that’s a gay guy
that’s ruth taylor
the guy with the
crazy mustache
at the end of the jackass
movies yeah
i saw the funniest shit last
night and this is so old and i’m sure
i know you probably
haven’t seen but you’ve probably seen a million times
have you ever seen the old yogi bear
that the original artist of the old ren and stimpy’s
was hired by cartoon network to redo a
hour of yogi bear
no and it they just made yogi
bear fucking
crazy and boo boo goes
turns into his like
raging bear
instead being a nice guy becomes like a real bear
like it’s like john crick of felicia
guy and he’s like sick
with rabies and then he grabs yogi’s wife and they like
start making out with like
these trippy tongues it’s the most
fucked up yogi bear
ever and i was sitting at home stone last
night and i thought it was a normal yogi bear
i just started
watching i was like what the fuck is
wrong with yogi
it is trippy
wow it’s amazing that that
hanna barbera let
their character like
which is used to be a kids cartoon character
into the hands of a written stimping
awesome maybe
maybe they lost
money in the financial crisis
they’re trying to
yeah i don’t know
it’s called
what is hanna
barbera is called a
stupid theory tightening
her it’s called boo boo goes wild
is hanna barbera
really an entity anymore
do they still make cartoons cartoon
network does that right
hanna barbera i mean did they just sell
their cartoons
we know that did they produce them anymore
i think they combined
with the cartoon
network or something like that now they
are the cartoon network like it’s probably like viacom
you know how strange is it when you
watch those old cartoons
like when you
watch with the
super violent ones the
super violent
bugs bunny ones with
shooting each
other and daffy
duck’s bill
would get shot around backwards
you get shot in the fucking face man yeah yeah
you know it’s like but now you could
it’s a weird
thing because
you can still show
those cartoons
but you can’t make a cartoon like that now
can make or they just
like i mean are
there they would
never hear that i mean if you did it it
would be some
crazy shit that you
would have to have unlike
you know maybe
south park there’s like ren and stimpy
on the simpsons
where they kind of do that in with
in a cartoon
family guy if i was
itchy and scratch yeah but
these are for us
like these shows are for
adults so was the
flintstones
for adults yes it was
the flintstones
and that’s what i grew up with is flintstones yeah
was a that was like a version of the
honeymooners yeah
right they were trying to do
yeah cartoon
yogi and boo boo were kind of like a version of the
honeymooners to really
yeah a little
cramden and
yeah yeah it was such
a fun pairing that they
tried to redo it a
bunch of different yeah
and snagglepuss was a faggot what
brand texas
states left even
droopy dog and boo boo had the same voice
yeah that’s right he was an actor brian
wasn’t necessarily gay yeah just cause you get off the
stage to the left doesn’t mean you’re gay
and then that was the side of it
to mercatroy but you just got flavor
you just got flavor
stage left even
well that was kind
of a certain type of celebrity back then in the 60s and
stuff like you had like liberace and
who’s the guy what’s his fucking name paul
lin paul lin yeah you
gotta do the head thing
yeah but it was an unspoken
thing we’ve always
people have always loved gay people
you know in entertainment
there’s always been
the gay guy that america loves
right now there’s always been a few
but they never talked
about kids cartoon
it must have been so
terrible for
gay people back then to just not be able to be out
about it at all
because it’s not like
today well you
could just be
walking around with your boyfriend elton john could
bring his boyfriend to some dinner
hold hands you know
ricky martin is on the
cover of people magazine
him and his boyfriend you know they both have
their babies together and they’re
holding hands and shit like that’s all cool too you
could not do that in the 1950s man
no it’s not possible
it was an unspoken
thing even if you
looked like the gayest
motherfucker that ever walked the face of the
earth like liberace
yeah you would have a billion people insisting
that you are a straight person yeah why aren’t you
married yet lee
oh man talk shows and stuff
they would always ask oh i
haven’t met the
right woman
did you see the kids cartoon
there’s a kids
cartoon called adventure time have you ever seen that
which is a straight up
lsd trip every episode is just
take mushrooms and that’s what the cartoon is well
my initial question was why do you
think it is that they were allowed
to show violence like that back then but now we can’t
we can’t lick
that shit at all
because back in the day it was cowboys and indians you
know it was always you’re
grown up with
a gun in your hand and you’re the bad guy when
you were a good guy like a war kind of
thing i think it was
more acceptable back then
war and all that because you grew up during
world war one and
world war two
there’s wars
going on right now
look how close it
is so funny
those two like it’s
funny to watch a guys
you know face blow up and it’s all black and
you know fucking his hairs all
sticking back
like that’s
funny but dust
is coming off the top of them
yeah it’s the funniest shit ever
yeah but then i
guess people
started suing people because
their kids like hit
their fucking one kid hit
another kid
with a frying
pan yeah i have
heard of that happening i have
heard of a kid that hit a kid with a frying pan
cause he thought that he
could do that because of cartoons
yeah that’s called
watch your kids you lazy cunt he’s picking up a
frying pan don’t let him
swing it at the four year old i just wanted
to see the head boner
remember the head boner that used
to pop up it was like a boner that came out
oh my god i do remember that
and those birds would
fly around that pan
they fucking love trees and
river tree branches and grow out of it
smoking trees
those fucking shows were
great man yeah i
think it’s just
funny when you like saw a guy like the
three stooges you know you have a saw and
curly’s acting
up and you just saw him in the head yeah the
weird question though is how come it’s okay to
watch those now like you can have
those now in the cartoon network with all the
explosions and all the shit is
going off but you
could not make a new cartoon like that for kids
i don’t know man because i’ve
like i was saying i’ve been
watching these cartoons lately they’re fucking
crazy now you know there’s
really it’s a lot i mean gi joe is a lot different
than it was back
then you know
it’s crazy don’t
ask don’t tell
shit going on
chest hair duke has chest hair now his dick suck
duke has chest hair now duke has chest hair now
you’re like the paul linda of this show yeah he is
he’s straight as fuck too
he’s fighting
you could see it online i saw a clip of him
he used to be on hollywood squares all the time
and the question the guy asked me goes so paul
when a man falls off of a boat they say man overboard
what do they say when a
woman falls off a boat and he goes
full speed ahead
jesus christ
full speed ahead
so funny dude
i wanna listen
to paul linde he has a halloween special that’s
supposed to be insane it’s hard to get a copy of it
but it was like 1976
maybe he did this
halloween special for cbs that’s supposed to be this
insane really this gay guy that i knew from boston
who was one of
those gay guys and
never really
would say he was a gay guy on
stage we talked
about his girlfriend on stage
but he was really gay guy
really fascinating character but he he said
first time i ever saw of a john i was like oh
when is it gonna heal
i can actually said that that’s
when’s it gonna heal
yeah don’t trust anything that
bleeds wait was
she on a period
cause then that
could no gash
yeah no i know
you know yeah
yeah it’s a
weird it’s a weird hole
i was out with this girl the
other day that had she doesn’t like wearing
underwear and she has a hole in her pants
right where her pussy is and you don’t notice it
until like she sits down and she doesn’t cross her legs
and see some pubes or just some
her pussy just right there it’s ridiculous
her pussy’s got like pollutants on it yeah
i go up and print
a cloth and i go
why do you have this because i just like these
jeans and it’s kind of cool you get to air out your
pussy and everything’s supposed to
have your pussy out there
rubbing against a park bench the world
park bench pigeon
shit plastic seat at mcdonald’s at some
homeless dude just fart on wow mrs rodriguez
it appears you have pigeon shit inside your vagina
any idea how this happened
it’s just blueberries
a black hole it’s trying to suck dicks in there
and anything else that’s
close it’ll
take anything cat what is it that pigeon shit
it’s like a shop
vac yeah just shop
vac for cock
vagina is just sucking in pigeon shit pigeon
shit acorns shit it’s got acorns and pussy
pussy vagina sucking
liars birds
birds stuck up there
flyers that were
stuck under people’s windshields and they
throw them on the fucking ground it’s all stuck fucking
postcard size you
should go to jail if you’d make flyers you fuckhead
yeah you know i was
thinking about making a website
cause i just got another one on on my
street too and it’s some for some computer
thing but i wanna make a website of like don’t support
these companies like
every place
that fucking it’s
annoying to me man because now i have to take i don’t
wanna did litter yeah it’s my responsible
car put it on my car
yeah it’s you
fucking shithead i’m not getting you you’re not
cleaning my carpet no hmm
clean my fucking carpet
no i’ll call
everyone else before the fucking nuisance who put a
thing under my windshield
wiper now i
gotta deal with i
gotta throw your
trash we’re
just trying to get our business out there isn’t it
funny you don’t
ever get attacked by one you get attacked by six like
you know yeah
usually it’s not just one little flyer if you get
one little flyer you get like them in your side windows
also different company
but you know what it
might be the same company i wonder how many people
hire a service to go spam
i mean there must be some sort of a service that
flyers it must be
right yeah it’s like some kind of
street team yeah
some guys on
rollerblades in a
mail sack shoulder bag
just make a deal with a
bunch of different businesses and say hey we’ll
print up little cards for you
we’ll go out my
street team
yeah some dudes we pay four
bucks an hour
yeah because it was a
street team that was like part of the when i had
a cd at warner brothers it was my
first cd and
there was like
a marketing
budget and part of the marketing
budget was a
street team
where they could go out
and fucking fucking
vandalize yeah
put stickers out and hand out people
you know hand out posters and shit put them
on walls and hand out cd packets like your spam yeah
you just put
little cards down at the coffee shop
postcards with your
picture on them
is that cd marking this
one is that the one with the
where the two guys are working out and
start buttfucking
brian count
yeah it’s me and my friend brian
count oh okay
yeah i’ve heard that
they play that on serious a lot actually
yeah howard
still plays that
oh yeah that’s
right it was howard yeah yeah
thank you howard it is uh
the one thing that
would have happened was that we made a cd
or i made a cd and i wanted to make a
sketch that
it was so fucked up
you could only hear
it it wouldn’t be
funny to see you would
watch these guys really fuck each other
but there’s something funny
about it was so ridiculous yeah
because there’s always guys like if you’re around
any people that are like real bodybuilder type people
once they start
complimenting each other
on different portions of
their body like
you cross this
weird line you
might as well just
start kissing each
other right
affectionate
weird it’s weird man they
start talking
about the adults man the way they’re coming in
delta are amazing
that’s just a line bro from the pec to the delt
that’s beautiful symmetry
right there you
think so you think so
never had that talk in my life oh man it’s
weird the bodybuilder talk is
weird talk man
sitting next to a dude and all of a
sudden you realize he shaves his legs
and you go oh snap son yeah
what’s going on up ya
yeah i’m so distant from that
it’s a weird
thing man i’m trying to develop my calves man i want to
avoid getting the implant
just trying
to you know trying to bulk them up a man it’s hot i’m
super setting i’m doing a lot
we think about my calves
so there’s like a dude who’s on his knees
staring at dudes calves going
you know it’s not as bad as you think man
it looks small bro
i’m telling
you they’re not that bad bro it’s it’s you know
frank zane had very
small calves
you just want to suck a cock that’s what they
really want to do they want to just dive on in there
yeah or they just
we had those guys in high
school that were really concerned
about their
bodies and working out so
to the much that there was this one guy that had those
popeye calves
where it was just like this huge
bubble and as like a 16 year old kid you just be like
can’t even wear
pants up man
what’s wrong
with this guy
well some people just have calfs like that
my dad has these
giant calves and he
doesn’t work out at all
he doesn’t do shit
he’s fucking big like
they’re twice as big as mine just like
his natural
calves my dad kind of has big calves
abs like that too
soft some people just have
weird ones soft
and i got a soft milky way
some people just have freak leg muscles man they
probably got some lot of neanderthal in them you know
somehow had some freak leg muscles
yeah that’s what i think
yeah all right
this podcast is also sponsored by marijuana can’t tell
ladies and gentlemen the tangents we’re going off
calf muscles
fucking neanderthals and shit
oh yeah oh yeah but your
sketch that’s how we
started on that
what did we start off with your cd the thing where you
brian callum fuck
each other yeah there’s something gay
about being really into your body but
the reason why it
starts though
because chicks like it that’s what happens
boys found out
boys find out that it makes
other men jealous when they have muscles and that
girls like it so then they get obsessed with their body
but then somewhere
along the line or
spending too much time with
other dudes
you know spotting them
while they’re squatting
yelling in their ear and just
grunting and there’s just
pleasure all the pleasure chemicals are connected to
this well then you find like when you’re getting laid
you’re checking yourself out more in the
mirror when
you’re ready to
check you’re banging you know
that’s gotta happen
right well that’s like
never done well you got to
check out some of you
like you want to
check out look at my
penis going you
know that’s
right there
that’s right there
mmm i want the
lights out and i want to see anything
that’s a creepy one
they want the
lights out yeah i’ve only had a couple girls ever in my
whole life say they want the
lights totally out
like what we can’t even
look at each other yeah
that’s part of the fun
now i gotta get an
infrared camera for this room that was some
that was some
boston catholic guilt shit
stuck in some poor
chick’s head
right catholic
i kind of like the
lights a little low i don’t like it
right you don’t like
we don’t like when it’s bright
you know like maybe a
fluorescent tv or
lamp well as long as you can
clearly make out body
shapes and shit
yeah yeah yeah
clearly look at each other
why are we all looking at each
other but there’s nothing
wrong with banging in the daylight either
huh yeah i like the morning sex of the best sex
oh the catholic guilt that’s what i
were you brought up catholic
yeah yeah me too
you a little bit but not from now
first grade was the last
the last of it
i went to a catholic
school and it was so horrible that
my parents were getting divorced
at the same time they sent me to this catholic school
and i went from nothing i didn’t go to kindergarten
anywhere i just went
right to first
grade first
grade catholic
school this fucking
crazy nun she was so evil
they’re crazy
so evil and so
vivid vindictive
and mean and you
know and just intimidating to children
yeah that any ideas that i had
about religion just stopped dead
right dead straight there i was like there is no way
this bitch is
talking for god like this is all craziness yeah
these are all
crazy people when you’re around them you
feel terrible you got to get the fuck away from them
and you can see the hypocrisy and see the
anger and see here the shit that they were talking
about when they were
you know when the priest was on
stage talking
and the difference
between that and the way they were acting
yeah this is like this is insanity like this is a
torture colony
you’re just fucking kids heads
up it is yeah it does it fucks you up i did it for
eight years
first through eighth grade
and when i was in
second grade this is one of the most fucked up things
i was in second
grade and i was in the
they do like that passion play that
it’s like this
thing they do around easter
where like a
bunch of kids you put on a little play or whatever
right and so i was like in whatever this chorus
thing and one of my friends
jimmy was an apostle
and we’re at rehearsal in church and
they’re playing some
music and there’s some like acoustic guitar
in the in the song
so i try to get
jimmy’s attention i get his attention and go like yeah
like make believe i’m
seven you know
right and and then
sister diane this woman
starts like stops
everything starts
screaming at me this is god’s house
you don’t behave like that in god’s house
like yells at me
embarrasses the shit
makes me feel like shit i go home and she’s doing it
right when my mom’s coming to pick me up to
which is also like oh
great my mom see me getting
screamed at
cause i got in
trouble a lot
but either way so i go home
next day i’m back in school
and somebody comes across
like sister diane
wants or she comes and she’s like oh
sister diane wants to see you in the hallway
and i walk out of the
class seven years old and
i even remember to when i’m walking out i did like a
funny dance to try to make one of my friends laugh
or yeah make one of my friends laugh
as soon as i get out in the hallway
she grabs me by my tie and like picks me up and she’s
like you you don’t do that in god’s
house this is a day
later she’s like
screaming at me
about what i did in church the
night before
i just yeah
and i like just
burst into tears like i mean i’m
seven somebody just i forgot
about the whole fucking incident it’s the next day
and she grabs me and gets in my face and
and yeah it
makes me cry and then i have to go back in my
class all fucking
everybody could tell i’m crying
that’s crazy i’m glad i didn’t grow there are
a bunch of fucking
dykes who are not
i’m not whatever
lesbians a lot of
lesbians are nice
their their their
issue is that they
first of all they’ve committed something
completely and
totally irrational and by time you become a certain age
you start to
realize that you have to shut off parts of your
brain in order to live this crazy
you know semi monastic lifestyle well they’re living
a lie like they really want to lick each
other’s pussies but they’re like well we’re
gonna go to hell if we do that so we need to
again like channel this fucking energy
oh that kid just fucking spit
on the ground let’s go beat the shit out of him with a
ruler and make
him say prayers and kneel on
chalk and all kinds of weird
shit they made up
yeah and you know there’s
a lot of people that they’re defended and they say hey
you know my church was not like that and we were
okay i believe
you and i’m not saying that it’s all like that
but goddamn a lot
of us had to go
through with it
some people went
through a good catholic program and it was okay but
maybe even they’re willing to tolerate a lot of shit
that you and i
wouldn’t there’s a certain amount of rules
that you just say well that’s the way the
rules are and for a lot of people they’re like hey why
fight the rules
for most comics most people have the mind of a
comic yeah you know
it’s like this real
stupid what is this rule why is this here yeah
in catholic
school squashes
all that shit well and they don’t tolerate silliness
like you know like
cause i wasn’t a fucking like
given teachers i wasn’t like one of
those kids like fuck you
right i just was like
yeah just trying to make my friends
laugh and like i didn’t give a fuck about
what they were talking
about i just wanted to make my friend john
laugh with this fucking
picture i drew or face i’m making or
penis it produces people i draw a lot of
dicks always guilty and joyless that’s what it predicts
produces or then slots guys
like us who fucking i mean i’ve been thinking
about actually reading that
war of art book too
not that they really talk
about it in there but
i’m starting to recognize like i’m like i
think i am kind of fucked up like it seems cliche
like to be fucked up from this catholic shit that was
cram down your
throat when you’re a kid
but it’s like yeah i think i do
i am kind of
fucked up from that like there’s certain kind of like
insecurities and like
cause i got in
trouble for fucking goofing off all the time and now my
whole life is goofing off
your professional but
then i feel guilty
about it or like do you really
yeah like i feel
yeah how do you feel guilty do you feel guilty like
hey this isn’t like a
legitimate way to make a living you
should be do something like what do you feel guilty
about well i’ll um
sometimes well this is kind of a
whole different can of worms but
i do think that this it’s like it’s really
self absorbed
self serving
selfish kind of
like ninety percent of my brain powers
thinking about me and what i’m doing you know
right and so i do think it’s kind of an empty
existence sometimes it’s like well you know
maybe you should just be helping people you know
like actually really doing some instead of fucking
worrying about
you know taping the fucking set on a tv show like
right right
four minutes of jokes
but also like
yeah i just like
i know there’s like kind of a
weird kind of fear of
success i think i have from it too
where it’s like
cause i’m always like saying well i’m not good enough
right cause everybody was telling me i’m a fucking
idiot when i
was a kid and then knock it the fuck off right
and now it’s like oh like there’s
weird kind of it’s a mixed bag like
yeah you feel like you’re
fighting against it all the time like you’re
swimming upriver
or i’m playing chicken with something you know
where it’s like you know oh here’s where i
wanna be or here you know like
yeah playing chicken with
success or whatever where it’s just like oh
right when i’m getting to it i’m
gonna fucking flinch because i don’t have the fucking
balls or the you know
confidence or you know shit that was kind of tried
to be shaking out of me when i was a kid yeah i
think that’s a real valid
point man i
think you know
especially seeing little children growing up now
you know being around my
daughters and seeing how they evolve like as little
human beings and how you’re programming your input
shapes out their confidence
shapes the way they do
things like i’ve seen my little daughter
change from
being scared
to be around kids to being like really social
like a short period of time
like like fearless like dives into
groups of kids and
starts playing
and it’s really like a slow metamorphosis
of just communicating with her and showing her you know
how to be around people and what’s fun and
you know just
getting to kind of like
give them a
framework of how to
think about
things but the
framework that you get from the catholic
school is so jacked
it’s so you’re bad
guilt you’re terrible person you’re an
illegitimate person you’re gonna
shame your parents
you’re shaming god it’s all this like
fuck you suck it’s all it’s just
this terrible fucking
over overpowering suppression feeling you
know that’s
crazy because my my
whole religion growing up was
completely a hundred percent different than that kind
of shit ours
you just go
sunday and what
kind of was
teaching christian lutheran
lutheran yeah
but it was more like
mellow was like
so here’s what we believe and let’s just talk
about it cool so you go to
you didn’t go to like a lutheran
school or no no i just went to
my folks weren’t like
crazy religious like i had to go to church on
sundays up until
you know i was
14 like when they were like i’m not fucking
arguing with you anymore do whatever you want but
my folks weren’t like
super religious this is all the
school shit like
these nuns and priests and
yeah well it’s i mean yeah nobody’s
cracking any fucking case saying that the catholic
fucking religions fucked up i mean yeah well
you know it’s
just interesting that i’ve talked to so many
different people that have gone through some sort of a
troubling religious
background ari
shafir with
judaism yeah
ari was like
a serious practitioner we read the talmud like 12
hours a day and you know
he was living
in israel i mean like he went deep with it so we
got a caller on the line
it’s not gonna work
in here anyway man there’s no signal in here it will
sound terrible
it’s doug stan hope
you wanna try
i’m getting
away my bars just went away yeah
there’s not much signal up here
we could try fucking stripper ass phone
ah trying to get a call up here with
t mobile son
hey douglas me boy
it’s joe rogan
we’re doing our podcast
right now oh
what are you doing brother what’s going on
no this is me
oh yeah i guess you get it
yeah that’s what now everybody knows they’re
gonna rip me off
people gonna get your
phone number
another call with a fake accent you fucking post
it online every day do you really give out your
phone number man
i saw those guys who interviewed you on the internet
some dude just showed up at your
house and you gave him the directions to your house
they drove from
vancouver canada
wow and you didn’t know nothing about this dude
no no i just kept ignoring his emails until he said
i’m outside of la i should be there sometime
at the morning i hope to run into you
at that point of yard
let’s give crazy break
douglas you’re an original my friend
well i just want to say a long time listener first time
what’s the phrase that pays
uh joe rogan in the house what what what what
is this ralphie
may or we still on with thug stand home seriously
who is this
i put ralphie may on my celebrity deadpool
you think he’s gonna not gonna make it
i think he makes her through sheer force of will
and weed he’s gonna
come up with
twenty celebrity names that’s kind of pushed it
i traded louis black for tom
size more at the last minute oh nice that’s
good that’s a good trade louis black is fine
and he’s a good man and rooting for him
michael douglas is out of the out of the woods
yeah yeah that was
today’s news
it’s very strange
the new celebrity rehab coming back all
clean and sober to talk to the new
flunkies whoa
you know you’re
fucked when tom sighs was giving you advice
about turn your life around
did you watch the celebrity rehab i know you have
you’ve tweeted about dr drew
oh i yeah for years that’s my favorite hate
yeah i hate myself for watching every weekend
screaming at the screen and i
pause it and i yell at bingo about
have you been watching this year with the
chick the fuck tiger woods she’s my favorite
she’s
not even close
it’s like people’s moms and shit
it’s like some singer’s mom and some dudes are rich
his dad’s rich so he’s on his dad’s not even fucking
famous scott bacula’s niece
it’s fucking fascinating and then the girl who fucked
tiger woods who was just addicted to love
it’s fucking fantastic
are you in la again are you are you back yet
okay
all right brother well
we’ll talk soon i’ll see you this week man for sure
my brother later talk to you later
ladies and gentlemen that was powerful doug stanhope
live via speakerphone that’s the
first time i’ve ever attempted this on the podcast
we’ve never done a
speakerphone
to microphone cell phone any prompt to
conversation that was
pretty good for yeah i mean we’re talking
about him earlier and it’s doug stanhope how
could you ever get anything better than that
he’s always gonna nail it
yeah yeah he’s always good he’s consistent
except one time when
i called in
to a seattle station instead of him
he was out of the country
oh yeah you were doing that for a
while that was
he did it once
or twice maybe
yeah we had
heard about that
that you had
done some interviews pretending to be him yeah
cause he was
i forget oh he was out
i think him and like andres and
shawcroft they was like
gonna be out in the woods or something and there was no
reception oh yeah that
thing they used to do that not there wasn’t the desert
party it was some
other thing
i forget what the fuck but either way
hannigan his manager called
oh do you want to
do a phone in for doug
his managers irish
he’s scottish scottish
you never met brian
i don’t mind
i must have
you ever see the video i put up a doug
where he couldn’t
make it to an interview at a car show so i put up
some local comic in san francisco
yeah and he played
the role of doug but he had sunglasses on and a hat
and it was so
funny because the guy was just saying the most
ridiculous things
you’re such a fun guy to know because he’s really doing
everything that i
you know he’s supposed to be doing
you know like guy gets a
vasectomy and
you know he lives in a fucking
crazy yellow
house in the middle of nowhere
he goes on the road he
doesn’t go to the comedy clubs instead he books
things on his own very rarely
going to comedy clubs
books things on his own and rock clubs
develops his own following on the internet becomes
totally self
sufficient yeah
he’s really doing
it you know he’s doing it the perfect way i mean he’s
that’s really doug you know
there’s no affectation
you know who he is he’s a genuine dude
so far have you been to his
place no you
should work
you wanna go for the
super bowl he’s having a party
i can’t go to work
super bowl weekend
it’s ufc oh that’s
right yeah we got on that too
maybe i could
fly in on sunday
maybe i could fly from the
ufc to you guys that
might actually be fun
that would be fun yeah
where’s how far away is it from an airport
tucson airport i
think is an
hour hour and a half two
sons of crazy ass
place huh that’s
where that kid came from that’s
right yeah yeah
that’s a wild west baby there’s
a there’s a
hotel there called the
hotel congress
in tucson and they have a
very serious doug
and i perform there they have a
it’s a cool performance
space but it’s like this old timing hotel like
dillinger somebody got captured there or something
or slipped i don’t know there’s like a lot
of you just at the
at that place i perform there
twice with doug
oh so he does
shows in tucson that’s cool mm hmm
wow does living
in arizona is he have like more of an arizona following
now does he have a lot of people that like it’s a
weird little town he lives in
no he doesn’t perform in his town right
he’s done a show i
think really yeah like long or two
who’s talking about
yeah him and rick shapiro
well i mean fuck we just had him on the
phone it’s all these
stories better than me
he told me i
think i think
you saying once about
how would be kind of
weird if you know they all saw
as like abortion joke then he has to run into of the
supermarket
you know he has
these there’s um
some of his neighbors neighbor dave and evelyn
are just like two regular
evelyn works at the safeway dave works for frito lay
they’re just like
super nice people
but they’re like regulars regulars can be right and
and they’re like yeah doug’s best friends but
they it’s like
i don’t think they’ve seen too much of
what he’s like they know that he’s like a comedian and
i think he said he showed dave some
stuff and he’s like oh yeah that’s
you know but they call him
neighbor dave neighbor dave yeah
reference and if you read
i think neighbor dave was just in the hospital
for something
and doug was
doing one of those things
where he’s getting people to send them weird stuff
doug does not get the credit enough credit
it just doesn’t
doesn’t for just these genuine human beings pretty
respected across the board
yeah no i agree with that that’s not what i mean i mean
he should be
he should be stadiums
enormous yeah
you should be like one of the biggest guys ever
i mean yeah
it’s there’s like
i don’t know what it is it’s like for me
if you wanted to construct
if you wanted to construct a comedian that i
could go to see
as a lifelong stand up comedian
yeah you know doug stand ups a perfect guy
i know i’m gonna hear some
crazy take on something that i
either agree with or i could see his point and
he takes me to a
place i didn’t see
coming and it’s hilarious and it’s all well thought out
and it’s all
constantly evolving and it’s all always interesting
and it’s always real and it’s like god damn that is
stand up fucking comedy
like that’s the real shit
right there
there’s not many people like him
like seeing a doug stanhope show
that i could
think of there’s so many
there’s a few
comics man where i’m always like
how come the
whole world
doesn’t know
about nick depaulo
well you ever seen nicked
apollo kill
i’ve never seen
i’ve never seen nick live outside of
like montreal
short let me tell you something
when i was coming up when i was in like nineteen eighty
eight when i was doing open mike
nights nicked apollo was a couple years
ahead of me
and he was just a fucking killer
even then like he always had like sick timing and
great writing
and i went to see him
shit was a couple of years ago
he was doing one of the late
night shows what are you doing there brendan
wall so i can
lean back but i was trying to get that to pick up
he’s panicking
anyway i hadn’t
seen him in fucking forever and i almost forgot how
funny he was
yeah he just destroyed
destroyed and
everything’s got that fucking boston
thing going on you know
everything’s got that fucking boston accent yeah
is that hardness
talking about
people in katrina
not getting
rescued he goes
maybe they know
where to find if you
could fucking spell
he goes what does it say on the roof hep
hep you want some hep dip your
mouth in that water
i’m totally paraphrasing in the neck of you here
i apologize for butchering your joke i’m sure i did
but i was just like this motherfucker’s so
funny he’s just like so
that hard boston
style funny too just
bam bam bam
yeah a lot of good guys came out of that
yeah i’m hoping that with the new
media with you know
the internets and
podcasts and shit like that
i’m hoping that there’s
gonna be some people that get reintroduced to
a whole new group of
humans but there’s a lot of people like that like
you know like there’s
a lot of comics
that for whatever reason they just you know people lost
touch with them they
disconnected with them
because they didn’t get on you
know twitter they
haven’t done anything on comedy central in a long time
and people just sort of forget
that still go
down some guys
just fall between
the cracks somehow
where it’s some dudes get tired of it too
you know some dudes get tired of performing get
tired of writing
and then they fade off that’s a possibility too
yeah and a lot goes i mean you know if you get a
reputation as
being a fucking pain in the ass or coke head
or something
like yeah then
nobody’s gonna you know they’re
like that’s easier to give this guy a show who doesn’t
drink and shows up on time who cares if he humps a
stool for a fucking hour
i’m not talking
about anybody in
particular i’m just saying that like
i know what you
mean there’s some really i mean like rouse sean rouse
one of the funniest dudes on the planet like
what are you
gonna do with him though
you know like
nobody wants to babysit him on the road
right yeah he’s trying to
he’s totally
cleaned his shit up yeah i mean i’m
sorry yeah that
sounds awful
he’s just got
you know so many health problems too that’s the
problem but he
would get pretty like you know
a lot of clubs that
that he would work at that i’d be
afterwards you’re like oh did you hear
about what ross did
he was here and it’s
he could be a handful when he’s
drinking i guess
there’s always a dude there’s always a pablo francisco
story there’s always
yeah you’re totally going
crazy i don’t know pablo
is the best
i will say nothing
everybody has an insane
story about him like
everybody anybody who’s met him for two
seconds he’s such
a fucking he’s got such a good energy that guy
he’s always got this friendly
happy energy you know
like it remember
the other day
when we were at the improv
were you there
where he i was talking to him
before a show or something
he was outside he’s like so you do a lot of
videos oh yeah
he was like you
have a real conversation
no remember it
was like i said have a conversation with pablo and you
we won’t even know if you’re really talking right yeah
it was like talking to robocop
here we are
fun of the improv
tuesday night
that’s the way he
talks well he’ll just sometimes go into character and
just start oh he’s just
being always
it’s just having fun
it’s really
funny there’s certain
you know it’s so
funny man certain
comics just have good energy you
could just be around them
there’s other guys that even
funny even if they’re
funny just like
let me just keep the fuck away from you
until you go on
stage then i
watch in the back and
then i’ll get the fuck away from you when you get off
stage so i envy
those guys with the positive like
where everybody in the room’s 20
happier that dude showed up
cause i could be moody it’s like
well you know what i mean
like it’s like oh why aren’t i always just like hey
let’s have fun and
laugh all the time but
sometimes i’m like me
if you could do it all over
again you would
if you were an old man on your
deathbed and
someone said to you listen i can make you 20
again and you
could be living the
party all over
would be pro comedian a
stand up comic
out there running around
telling jokes having a good fucking time making people
laugh you know
right now what do you
think you would be
ecstatic yeah
rip for or you’d be like fuck man
ready to go meet god
yeah yeah and
turn to the next dimension you’re
gonna make me live this stupid
material life over again be
get inside a malkovich
so you can see it two ways but
i think if you did
wanna go back i mean you
would really
appreciate the fuck out of this yeah
oh i think about that all the time that there is
gonna be a last fucking day and like
you know it’s like well you’re not really fucking
going to nuts
it’s it’s you know what
we’re in a weird time because
right now life
you know the expectancy
is getting longer and longer because supplements
and exercise and taking care of your body and
you know medical
treatments and making sure that people are
you know you get
checkups on a regular basis so they
catch anything that’s fucked up yeah you know
and when when when people
start to live longer and longer and longer
at that and then they
start inventing new
things when they
start getting into like gene technology
getting into
you know milestone inhibitors for your body and
you know different forms of you know nanobots that
eradicate cancer and there’s
gonna be some
crazy shit in our lifetimes yeah
could easily extend
you know the average lifespan to like you know
maybe even like
150 years the average wealthy guy
can you imagine it trying to talk to some 20 year old
bitch when you’re 150
imagine if you’re
150 and you
still look like you were 30
you’re a hundred
fifty years old but for
whatever reason like that you like keep your body like
stallone style
fully prepared
and then you’re like a hundred and
fifty and try to talk to some
chick she’s like
twenty i’ve noticed lately a hundred and
thirty when you were born
could you imagine that conversation
shoot a hundred
fifty year old dude
you know you know the best no
i can’t i mean i can’t even hang out with
24 year old
chick really
the worst is when
friends have
girlfriends
and like i have some friends that are like in
their late 30s
and they’ll have a
girlfriend that’s in
their young
2019 and then all of a
sudden you’re all hanging out together
and you know and like the conversation takes these
left turns into walls and just
spins out like
why are you letting her hold the
steering wheel man this is
great you know we were having a
great conversation all of a
sudden went bang you’re into the rocks yeah just
cause you’re
fucking plowing her
like i don’t
come into the bedroom and try to fucking hang out
i don’t know i’m trying to
think we’re good enough
but it’s like
the only reason she’s here is
cause you like fucking
you know bouncing around your fucking cock well
i understand you know
giving it a try
you know that’s fine but
those bring
her to hang out when you’re like
some of them are
cool as long
as they’re not obnoxious you know what’s cool
about dating a girl that’s really
young is like
when you date like a 22 year old
haven’t seen a lot of the
movies that you know are guaranteed awesome
so if you want to have a good
night like hey this is you know has some wine has some
sticks and then we’re
gonna watch
you know name
movie here you know like just like
et or something you know
she would be like having a
great night so it’s so cool
cuz i love that words
like i was robbing the cradle
bitch and trying to come up with
with reasons
why that’s good there was a girl who didn’t know who
gene hackman was recently whoa
really and i was like yeah i mean i guess well
yeah she didn’t know who
gene hackman was
but i guess it’s
understandable
because it’s like oh yeah you were born in like
1990 my friend that i brought last
night didn’t know who dan
ackroyd was last
night and i was trying to show her
pictures of dan akron i’m like you’ve seen
ghostbusters
right she’s like no
what’s ghostbusters
it’s such a weird
thing for guys if a guy’s a single guy and he’s looking
for a check
and if a guy’s like in his late 30s say
right and you’re looking for a check
if you you can go one or two ways you can either
go really young
where you got a kind of almost babysit him
we got a kind of look reteach him life and you know
hang i mean how many
times wait for that
break up with you in five years or yeah
that could be it or you know or you can go your age
and when you go your
age what a fucking risk that is
yeah you know what’s cool
about the young girls too is all
thirty six year old
chick there’s some bitterness involved in that
package most
of the time
someone’s angry at somebody and someone left somewhere
and someone promised me something and there was some
money that was supposed to come yeah and we were
gonna buy a
house together
and my car still
under his name and
there’s always
yeah desperate they want to get
their claws in
someone because they know like this
you know i’m sure he’s
right around the corner and they’ve been hurt before so
they’re defensive
you know yeah
i mean some
of them pulled together and you know they take yoga
classes and they get
their shit together and they go to
crossfit and
all sudden they’re reading books and
thinking healthy there’s
thirty six year olds that are
happy to be
i’m not saying they’re also
anything all of them
we’re doing is
you know i’m not saying if
it’s you out there and you fit this profile don’t get
upset well i
think that it is it’s i really sympathize with
women like they do have a lot of fucking
lot more problems that we do and
they can get pregnant
it’s unfortunate well yeah they can get pregnant
you’re stuck with
some like some guy who just and you
have it and you’re connected
to him forever and then you need him financially
i don’t even want to talk
about it because it makes me sad
it is very sad it just
bums me out that like oh
fuck that shit just
happened it’s
ridiculous that it
still works that way it
should be so
clear whether or not we have
babies or not
as my kids screaming
quiet please
anyway it should be so clear it shouldn’t be just some
random load
sneaks through and impregnates you it
should be like so super duper clear
yeah this should be like it should be difficult we
should make it more difficult to have
babies it’s easy to put
plan b in a person’s breakfast though
if they’re good
you’re killing them
you’ve disrupted the cycle
but if you kill even if it’s two cells
cook a breakfast
you know the life
but to finish that thought though it’s like i can
understand girls wanting
like getting desperate around like mid
thirties because
it sucks and it
sounds shitty to say but they’re just they fall off the
sexual radar
and like dudes
fucking just don’t for whatever reason like
they just can keep you know they can
leave their
fifty five year old wife for a
thirty two year old chick and
as long as the man successful
and he represents a position of
power where the
woman feels attracted to him because he can provide
yeah it’s almost always that fifty five year old
broke dudes aren’t worth shit but a
fifty five year old guy with a ferrari can get some
twenty year old pussy
just or even
just a decent
job you know like a guy who makes a hundred and fifty
grand a year or something you know or
yeah yeah it’s possible
if he’s a good guy you know find a
solid chick that’s in her 30s
yeah usually
doesn’t work the
other way around but the wife is kind of
you know it’s harder man
you know there was a
video that was online that i was talking
about and it’s
it was on twitter and i put it up there and it’s really
horrendous to watch
it’s really hard to
watch it’s this guy getting conned
by these nigerian scammers
he got conned out of 300 000
he’s not a rich guy
his pension
everything he ever
saved his entire life
and he got conned into
thinking that this porn star they put
pictures of this porn star
and send him all
these emails and
photos of her
but this was her
that he was communicating with her and then she needed
money and at one
point in time he was giving her 1
600 a day he
was going to
these nigerian scammers he flew to london 14 times
on 14 separate occasions to meet her but never
got in contact with her
like he would literally
fly all the way to london and go what the
where is she what the fuck what the fuck
fly back to
america fourteen times fourteen times he kept doing
it he kept doing it
he was so convinced that this girl was real like
somehow no they
they had him so convinced
yeah and they had like
the email logs
you know the show and how they went back and forth and
they just scammed this
motherfucker i mean
just rob at what
point is i don’t know
what i was saying on twitter was like this is just like
limping wildebeest
getting eaten
alive by hyenas
yeah that’s what it is this is some weak minded
crazy person yeah
you know who’s gotten old and gotten a bit soft
you know a little senile
i mean it happens
old people lose
their grip in reality
this guy was like deep in his 60s it looked like
and then all
sudden they just locked a hold of his brain and
rekindle that
spark of romance just the thought that
maybe it could be real
and that his
twenty three year old
fucking super hot porn star
really was in love with this old dope
because he was
sending her sixteen hundred dollars a day
i mean this guy was like
it happens it happens
you never know man i’d like to
do that i’ll take some
take a chance sucks a day
well i don’t know you know what you
gotta do you
gotta go to thailand that’s what you
gotta do that’s why i
understand yeah
come on i wanna find i’m
gonna south africa
find a girl
appreciates man a man of
culture got a liberia
chicks are hot there that
vice guy to
liberia get one of
those hookers
the one dollar hookers would
know like a dollar yeah there’s like something
crazy like that
crazy that yeah that
place is fucked up
liberians the scariest
place on earth
that once force
fields are involved
once force fields are invented then i’ll go there
yeah they need to put that
thing under that stephen king dome
yeah on the
covers the whole city
just drop that
motherfucker
right down on top of that keep everybody inside
the simpsons
movie yes let them
yeah on the
beach yeah you need
to lock everybody in there that’s just what the fuck is
going on there it’s a former
slave colony
you know for people that don’t know
about liberia
there’s a documentary called the v
there’s a show called
a website called vbs
tv and vbs tv
they produced the
vice guy to
travel and see
this is insane
videos man there’s so many of them
the website’s a little difficult to sift through it’s
kinda it’s kinda netflix
streaming netflix
streaming watching
liberia one
it’s fucking fantastic man you don’t realize how insane
life is over there
and on a daily basis they’re
dealing with something that’s out of the most insane
apocalyptic
movie of all time
if you were
living in the camps and
yeah if you were living the way
these people are living
you literally
you might as well be living around wild dogs okay
you might as well be what you do i don’t know my
microphone just went
crazy some of
these people
are you know
there’s wildness to them
you know there’s some
scary shit going down a lot of cannibalism
a lot of mutilations
you know there’s
a lot of war going on
just this one dude that we’d call himself general buck
naked yeah yeah
i watched the
thing yeah fuck man and he’s
going to that’s you watch that
and you know as soon as the un
leaves that guy’s
gonna take off that preacher
uniform and
he’s gonna be a warlord again
i think so i
think he was
drinking innocent
blood from babies before war he’s not i mean
he’s across the
enemy lines and kill a kid yeah
bring them back kill him and eat parts of their
heart yeah yeah
what the fuck man
could you imagine
that scene i can’t
could you imagine if you saw that
video online
would you click that link
that is the
ultimate question
now if there was a
video of them
killing you i
don’t i fucking i
learned my lesson
there must be a
video of it out there though
i don’t want to see it either
but there must if
these guys have really done it
it’s amazing that this guy is just running around
you know preaching
yeah you know it’s really kind of incredible
well i mean he knows he’s like
he knows how to survive he’s a fucking
what’s the word i’m looking for not sociopath
well he’s a sociopath
but like no more than any politician
like no more than dick
cheney or you
know it’s just so unfortunate man and
you gotta think
this whole situation is so fucked it’s
gonna take like hundreds of years to clean up
because the life is so chaotic for
these poor people
and they grow up in this environment
they’re programmed like that and they’re programmed
to deal with war and there’s
11 and 12 year old kids with guns and machine guns they
really are like wild animals they’re crazy
you know they’re living
they’re not
worried about
death because everybody dies around them all the time
yeah it’s it’s a really really
spooky spooky environment
and i don’t
think people realize it’s even
going on yeah you know i
think i didn’t
america yeah i didn’t know
i don’t know we’re so soft here
soft as puppy shit
yeah puppy shit
in a hot summer day man when the real shit hits the fan
that’s one of the reasons why
i moved to colorado for a
while i was convinced i went through
apocalyptic period
where i was convinced that la was just gonna fall
apart still is
well yeah i mean there’s it is
like musical
chairs right yeah yeah
the music just
look at fucking
sunset the other day there was a bar
fight that turned into a full on
riot and they closed down sunset
yeah you tell me
about that you
were there what happened well i was at the down the
street at the comedy store but
there’s a guy on twitter
called wayho
daily or something like
that he just pretty much sits there with the police
scanner and just talks
about weho is
west hollywood
west hollywood yeah
anyways we were sitting at the comedy
store and suddenly like
hundreds of just cop cars going by
super fast and just
helicopters and
everything were like what the fuck is
going on jesus so i
started looking at twitter
and instant information of twitter
which is brilliant you know so
yeah it’s like i
started as a bar
fight and then somebody
started throwing
things at like a sheriff
like bottles and
stuff and then it became like some kind of
weird small
riot where they just
shut down all like this big
group of bars and went with like
you know canisters
a tear gassed and
it just turned into a huge
why was it in this
intersection
which bar it was by
it was by the rock sea
and you know like the rainbow and all
that hard rock section
it was all by
it was right by there and it just like people have
videos on the internet of like what was
going on and just getting shot at and my friend katie
he came back with a
canister one of the smoke
guns that was shot in like his direction or so like
where the rainbow is yeah they
just and it was
crazy there’s some
weird videos of
of it people filming on
their iphones and stuff
dude why you know
how come alcohol
and and men
alcohol and men mix so badly
but no one ever i mean
no one ever
tries seriously to shut alcohol down from bars
but what a terrible
combination
alcohol and men trying to get pussy
it’s like the
worst combination ever it’s amazing
that fights don’t happen
every single
night constantly when you’re at a bar
it’s amazing
that you can get through a lot of bars without ever
fighting that’s why i just need a bottle of
jagermeister
yeah i mean i
avoid any place
where if there’s any kind of meathead contingency
that’s not a bar i can go to
cause i got a fucking
tricky meatheads can be
tricky a lot of them don’t
mean any harm but they’re used to this fucking way of
behaving and dick slapping each
other and pissing on each
other’s legs and
doing stupid shit you know they
think it’s funny
well people pick me out to like i have a
punchable face or something like i mean i’ve gotten
you know since
the beard i
haven’t had
any asshole nobody’s they can get away with it
that’s all it is a lot of it you know when it comes to
those situations it’s just you unfortunately
ran into an asshole that’s looking to pick on somebody
out his aggression and there’s yeah i can i you know
give off whatever vibes of like this guy
super non confrontational or something like you know
so i don’t even
want to be in a position because like yeah like
and the guys are like you like i mean you’re in good
cheer big dude like
it wouldn’t
we’re both grown men like it
wouldn’t be like
like i feel
like if a guy like you beat the shit out of me
it should be viewed as like the guy was kicking a
puppy down the fucking
stairs like it’s not
a fair like
i’m not a full man like that
like you know what
i mean i don’t have fucking forearms like i’m not a man
you know what
would be like
be well i can’t
fight i like you know i’m not yeah i can probably
do ten push ups or something wow it’s boring me
any any guy that
chooses to look for a guy to beat up like that is a
piece of shit it’s he’s missing the whole
point of doing martial arts in the
first place
the whole point of exercising is to be free of all the
unnecessary
instincts of the body you know the pent up rage that
makes you want to yell in your car and
it gives people
road rage and
makes people
say insane shit
on the internet i mean all that just pent up shit
the idea of martial arts and exercises supposed
to be that you get all that
stuff out so you
could be a much more
relaxed person well the guy
doesn’t have to know karate
i mean any kind of dude with big douchebag
and a big asshole i mean i’ve been in fun they need to
it’s the worst
things ever man there’s no need we can disagree on
things i’ll go over here you go over there thank you
sorry bye i don’t need to win this
i like i just don’t even get worked up
about shit like
i’m so easy
to like it’s like alright you’re
right i’m wrong
i’m a faggot
like what are you
i’m not necessary
man i’m not
being a douche
to you don’t be a douche to me let’s just
skate through i mean i can get
mouthy though like
you know some dudes can man i’ve been
with friends that got
drunk and then they say
stupid shit to people i’m like hey hey hey hey hey hey
you’re starting
something that i’m a part of now and this might be
the wings of the butterfly that fucking
start the hurricane
yeah settle the fuck down alcohol
yeah i don’t
do that very but it’s like
if somebody is
fucking with me i can i know how to push buttons too so
that’s a problem if
they can’t push buttons back then they get frustrated
because they
can’t match wits with you fuck you
faggot they say something stupid to you you have the
perfect comeback
with the perfect timing
you’re professional comedians
not fair at all
and then they
just want to you know i’ll fucking kick your ass it’s
funny now funny man yeah
yeah that’s like oh god
what have you become
what have you become and what have you done
so we’re gonna have to get you into some newer
linguistic programming
to try to refocus your
brain and get rid of this catholic
school guilt bullshit man
yeah well we
gotta put it together
have you ever looked into something like that
i don’t really
john heffron is a big fan of that in neuro
linguistic programming
i don’t john heffron’s and he’s like into all sorts of
freaky like
enhance your mind type shit like
he has like anchors he comes up with
these things like he’ll hold his hand in a certain way
and when he’s killing on stage
to hold his hand a certain way and
remember that moment so
then when he goes on
stage again
he holds his hand in a
second way and he puts himself
right back into the
place where he was
absolutely destroying on stage
like he has like an anchor
to that experience so he can put himself in the same
state you know you get a
state when you’re killing
when you’re on
stage and just boom you just hit oh yeah
yeah you know that feeling
where just the
pauses are perfect you’re
super relaxed and you’re just in the material
you know and he
tries to anchor that
state in his mind and his consciousness and his memory
he does like something with his hands
and then once he has it you know has it down
then in his next show like
right when he’s
about to go up he’ll do that same
thing with his hand
and literally recreate the
state or you know that’s the theory yeah
but i think that well yeah i don’t know it
sounds i mean whatever works for whoever but i mean
every situation
is different though like whatever you were doing
to make that
night the perfect
night of comedy this is a
whole different
set of people totally it’s a different
night different shit happened
today absolutely
there’s definitely
that’s definitely true but i also
think that when i achieve
what’s attractive to me
about it and i
haven’t tried it yet
but is that you know
it’s like it’s sometimes it’s real
difficult to figure out
where to put your brain
when you’re
about to go on stage
like when you’re
about to go on stage
first of all i go over my material
i want to make sure i got this new
thing i got
to do i got to get this out of the way i got to
do this i should try that
should i move this in here
which i do but
then it’s like
you know how
what do i do am i
happy here i’m excited
do i just wait till i get on stage
until i figure out what the fuck i am
you know what do i do yeah well at
least what he’s doing
is trying to anchor himself to some really positive
state of mind and
and then go out and then the ball falls
where it may
and you know he
might have to deal with hecklers or
it might be a different kind of show
but at least
his state of mind is the optimum
state of mind so instead of like recreating the
exact perfect
state it’s more like
you know he just
figures out
the right way to be
himself when he gets up there if that makes any sense
yeah it’s yeah it’s
tough i am like i said i am kind of moody and
it’s just a
bummer when i have to do a show and it’s like i fucking
like this is the last thing
i feel capable do not that i
never like i
never piss and moan
about having to do a fucking show
but sometimes it’s like yeah i’m just not
yeah i’m not that i’m not the fucking life of the
party guy tonight you know yeah
when you go on
stage and you get a few
laughs doesn’t
it start to kick back in
sometimes i mean it’s always
fun and it’s you know but
no sometimes the
whole time on
stage i’m just kind of like yeah i’m just not this is
you know i mean we’re
humans like
it’s like yeah it’s
just not that much fun tonight i’m not feeling like
you know is it
you or is it the
crowd or is it definitely
it’s a combination
like i can be in one of
those like depressed
just fucking i don’t want to do this
sunday night show
and i get on
stage and there’s like that
you know the
crowd’s like
no we’re good we’re here to fucking
right this is we’re not just
gonna be a bunch of fucking shit we’re here
we all want it to be here this isn’t an office party or
whatever and
and then you’re like
oh yeah then it fucking yeah that changes everything
because it’s a
total give and take i mean
because like if i’m in a
great fucking mood and the
crowd just like we’re
not we don’t really give we wandered in here somehow
like right which can happen yeah it does happen a lot
yeah so it’s like oh well this isn’t a mutually
beneficial thing then do
you have crowds now
where they’re coming
out specifically to see you and you know the difference
not really not
crowds there are people
groups in the crowd
yeah a handful of people who
know me from doug i opened for doug for a few years
spy kids 2 spy kids 2
it just kind of being i mean i
haven’t been doing it super long
how long are we doing
about eight years
started in o2
yeah that’s
crazy if you were like in
school you’d have a fucking phd
but with comedy like
you need to put in some years kid yeah no i’m
still figuring it out and
yeah i would i was i was like
twenty nine
thirty when i started
and it’s like fuck why didn’t i
get like i was having too much fun goofing off was like
i don’t know i didn’t
i wish i started when i was like
22 or something yeah
but you know what you did that’s the most important
thing is that you did
forget about all that
other bullshit
oh yeah i was
goofing off the
whole time but i wasn’t
i think the good
thing is you don’t
have this body of work from the past that like sucks
back when you were
stupid like on youtube pages
yeah man i got some comedy
out there this is a
video of me from when i was 25
at rascals comedy club in
new jersey it’s terrible
i have a luscious
head of hair though i’m so jealous of my hair
before my hair
started really falling out it was like just
starting to fall out back then
and there was like the material
silly i was all
skinny i didn’t lift weights back then or anything
i was like looking i was like god this is
awful comedy
and it’s attached to me forever
you know yeah
i guess like i mean the
stuff i even though i was
twenty nine or
thirty when i
started i mean
yeah there’s some pretty
there’s not
great shit i was doing
it was a lot of shit actually
a lot better
than me when i was 21
but yeah no there’s nothing that’s like
completely appalling i’ve got a
when i was 21 man
i there’s a
couple times that i recorded myself and i record the
second time i was ever on
stage i have it back there somewhere on a cassette
wow and it’s
on a cassette
on it just audio
tremendously bad
it’s so horrible you
got us that painful to listen to my
accent makes me want to kick myself in the balls yeah
it’s just so or is it just a
thick boston accent little bit yeah
boston accent just i didn’t have anything to say
but what the fuck you have to say when you’re
twenty one you just like look at me
and then people like why
do you want me to look at you and then you go
okay hold on i have to figure that out yeah yeah
yeah get way
ahead of yourself you go and look at me
first before you have anything to say
when you’re 21 i mean
if you’re right now you’re
36 years old so 37
you go to a comedy club some 21 year old goes on stage
you know like i mean
come on rent really
what how much you get well
usually it’s
i mean and i
tried not to pre
judge people although
i can tell on site whether or not somebody’s fucking
funny or not you can just tell like
every now and then you’re
surprised you’re like oh i thought that guy was really
gonna suck just judging by the way he looks and
you can tell like
but no i try to keep an open mind and
yeah a lot of times it’s like
you heard that but like it’s
just people just don’t like a lot of these
younger guys just don’t have a knowledge of like
it’s like you’re not the
first guy to ever fucking
split the atom on this like
you know you don’t
think i can’t
think it was
good to have
a knowledge of stand up
you sort of have to have like a body of
stand up that you listen to before
you just jump into it yeah get familiar with some
stuff even like
you know i mean i listen to a
ton of i have a
bunch of old comedy
albums that i like listen them on
vinyl and i’ve had them
since i was a kid i mean i collect them
still you know i buy them it’s a
cheap hobby to have you can get
comedy lps for like
three bucks a piece yeah
but even just like yeah
i can’t think of well yeah you should know like
older shit because it’s like
you’re not the first guy a lot of this
stuff that you think is brilliant it’s like
well fucking sam kennison had a whole thing
about it yeah
or there’s five guys working the road
right now doing a thing
about the starbucks
coffee cup sizes being called different names then
yeah small medium and large like
yeah come on man yeah
but it’s all i guess you just figure it out well i can
understand someone just doing their own version of it
until they sort
of get their feet out from under them
or get their feet under them
you know when they’re just
you know when you do an open mic nights and shit
i get all that
but once you actually start doing gigs you actually
start you know going places then
you should probably know what other people are doing
you know yeah
i mean sometimes
you can’t be doing a lenny
bruce joke and not knowing oh no because
there was a dude that i used to know back in boston
he’s a great writer he’s a really funny guy
he didn’t steal it
he wrote it on his own
but it was a lenny bruce line
now i’m like man you
gotta know about that one it was
about gay people and
gay being illegal dig this man
gay being gay
is illegal so what do they do they they take you
and they put you in prison with a
bunch of men
wanna have sex with you yeah yeah
you know and that was
lenny bruce like
in you know
whatever is nineteen fifties or something like that
dude reinvented it in nineteen ninety you know
you didn’t know
just did well that’s
gonna happen yeah and i mean
people are gonna tell you
although sometimes like there’ve been a couple
there’s one thing in
particular that i was kind of confused as to why nobody
told me i was doing a bit like i had
again when i
started it was a lot of fucking diarrhea jokes and
stuff and i had a
i had a joke
about tgi fry
like just it was
basically a diarrhea
chunk but it
started with
tgi fry because i got wicked
like bad diarrhea
from tgi fridays one time and
yeah just that was like the
got me into my diarrhea thing
and then i was in philly working at the club there and
i didn’t have enough time to eat
either there’s a
rite aid across the
street i bought hot pockets from the
rite aid and heated them up in the microwave ate them
and like the
worst fucking diarrhea
again so i just
changed it in
my bit like it’s like well i’ll update my diarrhea
chunk to the last
thing that gave me diarrhea
was hot pockets and
but jim gaffigan has like this huge hot pockets chunk
and i didn’t
you didn’t know i saw it on tv one
like i saw his
you know i turned on tv comedy centrals i was like i’ll
watch some of this guy
and he goes into this like
15 minute hot pockets
chunk and i like how did nobody ever tell me
that this guy
like i mean it’s not like we’re doing this
but he talks
about how they give you diarrhea and
i don’t know it’s just
weird like i
think your past don’t
cross your fans and his fans and your
people and his people it seems like that’s a pretty
famous kind of bit of i think it
is even though i didn’t i don’t know the bit though
but i know he does a bit
this is how
famous it is
i don’t know the bit but i know he has a
bit of that
famous it’s like his signature
like put him on the
you know put him up into that
he’s an interesting case
you know he’s an interesting guy you know it’s like
super squeaky
clean yeah nice and
you know but
super successful take
character thing to
which i’ve been talking to other
comedian friends who are like kind of you know on
my peers you know
where you know i
still feel like i’m struggling with like
really fucking dialing in like finding my
voice getting
into that like zone of like you know like doug or
like just really knowing who you are and
what like i don’t feel like i have any
strong opinions on anything sometimes and i’m like
really yeah kind of like a
you know don’t
yeah it’s like
it’s like i don’t want
to ruffle any feathers you know it’s like well then
that’s gonna be oh you’re
gonna be a great comedian someday
yeah just get on
stage what are you
guys are i just want to make sure everybody’s cool with
everything i say i don’t
that’s kind of
funny but i
think that the character
like gaffigan has that and even i was
watching some of i saw part of louis
ck’s hilarious
thing they showed on comedy central the
other night
and i fell asleep
halfway through not because it was boring ice
just exhausted
whoa don’t even say that man
should even say that
oh well i say you
fell asleep halfway through bro
well it’s great no totally i mean it’s
i didn’t mean that
why why yeah i i didn’t
sleep the night before and
just as soon as i laid
on a couch i fell
asleep in the middle of k one dynamite like a bitch
fell asleep in the middle of fucking cage
fighting i’m
watching cage
i was like trying to kill each
other with their
bare hands and feet and knees you’re like you know
i’m fucking asleep
on the couch
well yeah that’s not i mean
i know of course ck
is fantastic louis ck
is so good that i don’t hear anybody ever say anything
like but louis c case hilarious it’s not like
one comic that i know that it’s a dissenter that’s like
not that good
yeah everybody’s like god it’s so cool to be around
you know at a time
where there’s a guy like this who’s doing a new hour
of crazy new
shit every year
but i was kind of dissecting
you know what i was seeing cause
like i’ve been talking to
other people
about how like
or what i’ve been noticing
it’s like oh it’s like this character like kafir can
ask the guy who talks to himself like this right
and like even louis
ck a guy who’s just kind of like
writing great shit but he even has little like
like he has
these little
kind of things that
are just part of his personality in the way he talks
where he’s found his
voice but it’s like
he could say a sentence
without writing
any joke it’s just like the way it’s like
it’s just all these
yeah elements are combined
to like just make this perfect that’s what makes a
great comedian it’s like
you’re like this
definitive personality like people can do
impressions of you
right right and that’s i
guess where like i feel
i don’t feel like i’m yeah i like i can make people
laugh i can go on
stage and keep people
entertained all
night but it’s like well what’s
what’s my fucking gimmick like
you know that sounds
weird but even like benson
doug benson was talking
about that in some
interview i saw with him
where like it’s like oh the pot
thing just kind of
naturally happened and before that he was
he’s just a
funny well respected
comedian but then once you have like something where
that identifies you
right which
yeah i don’t feel like you know you
should have a phrase
something like
you can’t do with it get the beard out
yeah no i mean
it’s not like you need to get her done
i think it’s just the
thing of like
you know doing it fucking
cause like yeah
like you were saying you’d have i
could be a doctor if i went to fucking
school for eight years
but you would put so much more
effort into being a doctor than you
being a comedian
convenience for the most part we’re pretty fucking lazy
about writing and
about performing and
about you know like really
going over material and correcting in and
trying to enhance it and
yeah i record
all my sets but only listen to half of them
ever it’s like fucking
torture to listen
yes but that’s the really the
way to develop new material whenever i have a new bit
and i pause
and i go over it and i listen to the recording and
then i go over the way it’s written the way it’s said
i always can make it better
i can always enhance it for sure
it’s always been official
it is i’m the
worst with it
too like i have fucking drawers full of like
pieces of paper
and notebooks and it’s like
i just write this shit down and then i
throw the notebook in a drawer it’s like
why don’t you flip through this shit a little more
often and watch yourself it’s like yeah
jesus christ jesus
all right brian
what is it doing what are
you doing man i’m not doing anything
that’s what i did
earlier put
the headphones near this
whoa that’s crazy
well that was the loudest fucking
sound that’s
weird because i’ve been sitting here the whole time
like they’re on your head
but you took the headphones off what did you do
yeah i just
took my headphones off and you put them near the
microphone and
it just went
crazy no no no you were up there when it’s
true they were
still doing it back there
it started over there
that’s weird that’s what i’m saying that’s kind of
weird that sucks
it’s plugged in right
yeah good yeah all
right anyway
where were you
oh just say like
your thing your
voice not even your gimmick i know what
you’re saying well just kind of yeah don’t feel like
you’re a hundred percent satisfied with the
evolution of you as
you’re not representative of
who you can be on
stage yeah you don’t really know you just yeah
like i can make
them back and forth
yeah and it’s
yeah pretty that’s very honest man
it’s a you know
there’s been many times in my life
where my act has
changed or who i felt
about myself on
stage and how i performed has changed
and most of it is depending on how much
focus i’m putting on it you know
and who you’re hanging out with
what you’re
you know it’s just yeah i mean i
think you could
definitely lose a grip on it
you know that’s a
thing about comedy
it’s like you can
start off in a
good way i mean how many times you ever seen a guy who
starts out really good and like this kids got potential
and then somewhere
along the line they just skid
out we get lazy they
wrote yeah yeah
twenty good minutes yeah
exactly twenty
three and it’s like well you’re
forty two now you
really have to be doing that same joke that was funny
yeah that’s brutal that’s the most painful part of it
yeah it’s hard for guys
to let go of shit that they know will work and try new
things that no one’s ever
heard before
yeah chance well and even
watching yourself like i submitted
for a half hour special
in comedy central last year and i had i recorded
you know i recorded some sets
obviously and i had to send them a dvd and watching
just from watching
those dvds i realized like i
never fucking
watch myself i improved fucking like five jokes just by
sitting there
watching go oh wait
this is a much
better tag than what i’ve been saying for the last
eight months yeah
after that fucking joke
sometimes you forget tags you go and listen to you like
jesus that’s the perfect
line oh that’s the best part of the
fucking joke all
the time too you’re like
how did i fucking forget
that little aside that made that joke
fucking good for me
and that’s the difference between you
and i and comics and you know people
that go for the phds they put in a lot more fucking
effort and time
but the thing
about funny is
funny has got to also be connected to fun
like it’s very
difficult to have a fucking complete shit life
and be funny on
stage like you don’t feel like funny
yeah there’s
gotta be some fun involved
and the reality is when you’re
in college or you’re working for your phd or you’re
involved in some
crazy business
where you have to work 16
hours a day
there’s not a
whole lot of fun
going on there’s not a
whole lot of
humor in any of that and for a
comic a certain amount of you almost has to be lazy
like i’ve never met like a
great comic that at least one
point in time
and struggle with extreme laziness and
procrastination and
self indulgence and the need to just
masturbate all day because
you know you’re just too
silly yeah because
canada feels good and
you like you
get obsessed with it and you’re like fuck it
yeah we’re all like i mean i know at least
yeah i didn’t like bedtime
and like anything and now it’s like oh now we’re
adults like we are kind of a
bunch of fucking
overgrown kids were like i’m go to bed when i
fuck i yeah
i fall asleep in
front of my
jerk off five times
today he’s a
shit return
email the fucking
i return those
emails tomorrow
what i always do is i get my writing done
and then when i get my writing done i’m
satisfied i’ve got over a thousand words i’ve
got some real good shit there i like what i’m saying
at thousand words
or whatever whatever i feel is enough then i’ll just
start surfing the internet and i start
watching documentaries
so i’ll be watching some fucking
galactic void documentary
about what they think
stellar nurseries
why don’t you do like laptop in bed then
that’s the best i don’t
sleep alone
light going on and knowing people i
think that’s rude
and i don’t like when i’m in my office that’s when i
write my best shit
you know that’s my this my area i mean
which is where we film this podcast
right you know it’s like this
you know i this is my spot
you know i mean
i got this spot nailed i know exactly what’s going on
got my refrigerator
right here with my coconut
juice my computer
right here i’m not
going anywhere
so any ideas that i have if i’m
watching a documentary i want to be
right here and comfortable that can come out
as easy as possible
right you know what i love man this fucking evernote
thing yeah that
you’ve ever seen that do you know what that is no
it’s an application for the iphone i bet it’s for your
phone too you have a droid is that a droid
yeah yeah i’m sure they have it for droids
it’s amazing man
you can take
websites any idea that you have that you see in
a website like whoa the scientists just new discovery
inside every
black hole is
the possibility of a new universe you
know whoa i
gotta remember that
well with this everquest thing
all you have to do is
press you can get it
you get the web page the web page loads up
like the text version of the web page
even with photos and everything
loads up on your ever note and you save it
and you have that article
anything that you
have an idea you have an idea like you have to write
you write this down on your little phone
and you put it in evernote
and when you put it in evernote
it syncs up and it syncs up with your home computer
it syncs up with whatever else you got you got a laptop
wherever you want to keep the notes
for a comic it’s fucking
invaluable man yeah so like if you’re writing a new bit
and you don’t have time to transfer to your phone
it doesn’t matter you just turn on your new
phone at the comedy
club and go oh there’s the bit i was just writing
i was working on a bit at
sal’s the other night
and right before i got up i said oh shit
i forgot to
get that retrieved from evernote so i go to evernote
retrieve it bam
copy and paste it put it in my notes
went over the
idea is hit the beat to the jokes boom you go on stage
and it’s like you can keep all your notes
all of it online all the time
you can access it if you get a new phone
like say if
your fucking
iphone falls in the toilet and you’re like fuck
if you go to the apple
store and you get a new phone
well your new
phone will sync up and boom all
those notes will be
right back when they were
so fucking this
shit dude for writing
it’s the shit
though the beautiful thing
about it is that it’s not just text
it’s text and
pictures and anything else it’s like
you can save a
whole web page
you want to read a web page you
could read the
whole thing man just saves it
right to your
phone saves it
right to your
laptop and you sync up with any number of devices
that you want you got a laptop you got a home computer
boom boom boom boom
boom so for for
comics like when you find out like some
crazy story online
or there’s some new subject you have to talk about
boom it’s so easy to save it
well look it up
right now i mean i have to change the
i have to change the nine volt battery that
might hey put
your tongue on
it put your tongue on it see if it’s still hot
remember that when you do that with little batteries
nine volts yeah
yeah get that jolt
i should suck what is that what are you
doing yourself when you do that is it giving you cancer
probably giving you i
think it’s just a little electric charge that’s it yeah
who the fuck
tried that first
there’s a comedian in austin
who’s got a joke
about who’s the
first guy to try
a pineapple
like the guy was a guy
well i don’t even remember how it goes but it’s
funny because
it’s like the most uninviting like let’s eat this
thing and he’s like oh there’s a
the first guy that
ate the pineapple
was like a hero and there’s a guy like
right next to him with a pine cone like fuck so close
that’s funny
yeah he’s a
funny dude austin’s a
funny place man
there’s a lot of good comedy that comes out of austin
it’s a great scene it’s
yeah i mean i
i stayed there for it’s an easy
place to live man
especially when you
start working the road because i just i
started working the road from there just doing shit
shit midwest
stuff just opening
random guys right doug
pick me up and i
started going with him it was like
you got a kind of a dark act you have
guys to tell you hey you know
don’t do this bit or don’t you know don’t
swear too much or don’t get too creepy or
no i know currently
no no like when
you were middling for guys when you’re go on the road
uh you know
i don’t remember like there was no real nothing
sticks out with people
going like if you fucking tell that
we’ve had these conversations before
about guys taking guys on the
road with them and telling them like what bits to do
why are you taking the guy on the road with you yeah
it’s kind of
twisted but
i did the idea of
random dudes that had sound cues
costume change
clothes you
had to be on that
i’d be featured
no no but i’d be the
feature act
where like no
thought goes into comedy booking it’s like
sioux falls
south dakota brendan walsh and then like
you know there’s a guy called the midnight swinger
who’s a nice guy but
how’s this a
fucking show like the guy’s all like he wears
like a fucking
legacy style
things got a
big johnny bravo or whatever that cartoon guy the
big hairdo and right
and his act is like you know he does a bunch of
sound cues and shit at the end i mean get
standing ovations everybody loves them but it’s like
well why am i opening for him like if
anybody in the
crowd likes me
they’re probably not
gonna like him
vice versa if people were here to see the singing
dance and guy
who’s like again
super good dude and like
i never got a
standing ovation in my life and he
would get them
six nights a week so
but and those guys are
freak out they go why
the fuck am i not on tv
america loves me
these crowds love me
a lot of them
i don’t know guys like that who have like kind of
those big you know
kind of clothes
or things and
the whole lobby
yeah they seem a lot of them seem to be
happy with like doing like little rooms in
vegas here and
there they’ll go on a cruise ship and they’ll
really i mean i don’t know that’s
kind of get the idea that some
of them are pretty
happy with like you know i can make
you know how
like it’s it’s not easy to make
eighty or a hundred
grand a year right
and if you can do that just by
doing like you
know kind of b rooms headlining b room selling
like a lot of them have like some kind of
t shirt or something they sell and they’ll fucking make
more than they’re getting paid
from the club that week off they’re like who farted t
shirt that right
know a lot i have a lot of friends that
when they go on the road like they
you know they run into
trouble where people
don’t want a midland forum like joey nobody wants joey
diaz midland for you or ari
you know there’s a lot of dudes who want
don’t want a guy like that to middle form you know like
if you you know there’s dudes that complain
about him like he goes up at the comedy
store because he’s just he’s
dirty and it’s raunching it’s
funny yeah and people
think for some reason that they get into
someone gets
into this mindset you can’t pull them out of it
so say i don’t want him
going on before me like really
like what the fuck come on that’s crazy
i don’t mind anybody
going on before me with the
exception of like famous
guy like you know like i was at the
laugh factory one time and
was about to go up and like
carlos mintzi is here he wants to go out
and this isn’t like a you know
weird carlisman see a
story he went i mean he did like you know
twenty minutes it wasn’t one of
those things
where he did three
hours and i had to
drive home like he
you know did like fifteen or
twenty minutes but the
crowd was pretty
psych to see him and
and you know he
had a good set but then i had to go up and it was like
yeah everybody’s kind of still just
getting over the
fucking buzz
from seeing that dude like nobody’s listening
those are good for you though man i did a lot of
those sets in
at the comedy
store and i
think those sets
really taught me a lot
about grabbing the audience and
about you know just just
going out there and getting into it and doing your shit
and because there was a
bunch of times
where i’d gone after
martin lawrence
oh yeah and the
crowd would be you know 90 percent
black too yeah
and martin lawrence
would get off
stage do like you know
his headlining so you
do like a long set and destroy
and then bring me up
yeah and then
nobody want to hear a fucking word i was saying
right i did it with dice clay
you have to go on
after dice clay a lot
i did it with a
bunch of times
with prior when richard pry was really sick
oh i went on
right after i’m like
for like five weeks double
whammy dude in a
wheelchair talked
about this but it’s a pretty crazy
story he was he was so sick
that they used to have to turn the mic up
oh shit like it was so hot
the mic was so hot
because he couldn’t talk loud
and he would just be sitting in his in his
chair they would have to
carry him onto the
stage and he
would be drinking
and just get fucked up just talking on stage
you understand a word you
say barely man i always love
pussy no joke
yeah it’s like
his faculties were diminished substantially
yet he was on
stage talking
and people had this
weird feeling that it was like
it was a feeling of sadness it was like a feeling of
you know here we’re paying tribute to a
great legend of comedy
but man look at him now like
it’s hard to watch
and so then they would
bring me up and
the piano guy jeff
would go all
right ladies and gentlemen we have another very
funny comedian you
might have seen him on newsradio
get up for joe rogan
i might have you know what no i don’t even
think i was on
newsradio at the time i
think i’m lying
i think that was on hardball it
was a show that was on fox it was
a baseball show that was on fox and nobody gave a fuck
about that show
it didn’t matter who you were anyway man you were
going on after
richard prior
and they have to carry him
they have to
carry him through the audience this was the
or yeah so they’re walking him it’s
chewy and some
other dude are
carrying him
through the audience
cause and it takes a long time to get
him through it takes like five minutes like no bullshit
like they have to
be really slow because they’re sort of half walking him
half carrying him
so the audience is a
standing ovation for mr pryor
and then you get on
stage and you have to
crack jokes
while richard pryor is
crawling yeah yeah yeah
like literally
creeping he can’t even control his body
how long did he do that for
he did a five weeks
wow did a bunch of shows did a
bunch of shows
yeah it was
weird man it was
weird to watch i only
watched a couple of them i couldn’t take it anymore
was just freaking me out man you know
when i was a little kid i saw live on that sunset
strip like that’s
one of the reasons why i wanted to do comedy that
first video my parents took me to see in the
movie theater
and i remember sitting in that theater
laughing so fucking hard
thinking how incredible it was
that this guy is just talking and he’s so funny
and i thought all the
funny movies i’d seen like
stripes and all
these different
movies that were
great but they were
never as funny as this like this was the old
i looked around like i looked in the theater i was
watching people like
falling out of
their seeds
rocking back and forth laughing
and i was just
thinking this is the most incredible
thing ever and then they go from that to
yeah i mean the
whole room is just
crackling with this
hot microphone
sound that sucks and
his glass is clinking you know
his ice in his glass
i always loved
pussy pussy
never did no bad to me
like it was like he had no jokes he had nothing to
say it’s all just like
polite laughter
yeah it’s huh huh
so sad the worst
thing because he was the greatest
in my opinion
if i had to pick one guy who is like you know
the shining
you know example of what’s possible
so much better than anyone before him
so influential it’s prior
i mean he’s so much better than anybody before him
you know it hitting the high notes and doing that
style of comedy
this like sort of friendly raunchy honest
insightful comedy
so lovable so vulnerable
like everything
about him was just he was like
you know at the time he was like
for sure the greatest stand up comedian ever
and so to go from that to
watching him
just like his body just physically betraying him
you know it’s like so hard to do
and then they have to do comedy
and then you
gotta follow that like it’s such a double whammy
yeah so i make jokes
about yeah i
would make jokes
about it like okay richard
prior and then who is this
unknown white
douchebag you know yeah who oh my
what the fuck am i doing up here yeah and i
would say you know that’s exactly what i’m
thinking too
so let’s just
get through this
they slow i
did a show for i
still do like
weird one night or
things that
this guy books these
shows like that are all
about an hour away and
are they in bars
yeah they’re in bars
bar shows are rough
i have to do one
do you have to do one when tonight and really
where you gonna be at
newport beach or something like that
do you want to tell people so they can go oh sure
hold on a place
it’s called
ep domes p domes we did we all did sal’s calmly
whole the other night i love that place is that a
cool little spot you know
yeah it’s got a great vibe
i did but what i was i was doing the show like the
monday or tuesday wednesday before christmas this year
so it’s like
it’s a few days before christmas that guys like i want
fifty bucks you know
like yeah right and
we got there it was just a
whole christmas the bar
was just full of people that were there for a christmas
party and there were like
eight people up
front who came for the comedy show
but it was just a coffee and
i hate this is one of my biggest pet peeves like when
comedians get
these bar shows
together and some guys are just there to get a
drink you can’t
force comedy down people’s
throats and when the guys like hey fuck go
hey there’s a show
going on over
here it’s like well yeah don’t get on the guys
he’s just having a beer man like i agree yeah
so yeah it’s like well it’s all
these people here for christmas
party they don’t care
what the fuck i’m saying
these other
eight people are kind of having a
you know get a kick out of it
but i’d like very
early on and i’m doing i’m taping a tv
thing this week
so i was like well
it’ll be a chance to try and run through that material
which like no way like
i got fuck and
so i just said when i was up there i was like it
doesn’t matter
what the fuck i say does it like not nobody’s even
gonna acknowledge i
said like i ran a baby over on my way
there and like it made me
horny so i went back and jerked off on the baby and
stole its wallet
and found out
where it lived and
went and face fucked its mom and
i just like just
started saying all this
random shit and like the
people who were paying attention were getting a kick
cause like it did not
not one eyebrow raised from the christmas party
and then for the last
seven because the guy wanted me to
do a certain amount of time and it’s like it’s one of
those gigs where
it’s like well if i don’t do the full fucking time he
might not give me the 50
bucks right
so i looked at my
phone i was recording it or
maybe i turned the recorder off at a certain point but
i saw i had like
seven minutes
left and i just said i was like well i have
seven minutes left
i’m just gonna make
noises for the last
seven minutes if anybody has any
suggestions i mean i’ll try to make
whatever noise you tell me to make
i did a car
a lot like you know the full run of the car alarm
took some weird suggestions did like a tiger
you’re doing something and i
wound up going it’s great
middle of it
but i did all the time but it was
it’s that’s very liberating when
i don’t know i hadn’t been in an
experience like that in a really long time
where i was like oh this is fucking like
death impossible well it’s that
it was one of
the most it was pretty fun actually because i was like
well once i realize it’s like okay i’m not
gonna get to run through
this fucking set list that i’m trying to get together
and it’s like
really nobody’s paying attention like and then just to
start just saying
whatever fucked up
weird shit comes
into your head i did this gig recently so the
worst hell gig i’ve done in a long
time and i did it like a year ago that twitter thing
remember we did it with
yeah dove david off nicktoon
me and was there another person
there was a host i forget the host name i apologize
but it was something
for twitter and they did it at a rock bar
and the acoustics were the
worst acoustics ever
every word you said was
echoed back and was totally incomprehensible
no one had any idea what you were saying
there was a very narrow area in the
front of the
stage where you
could talk that’s it
the people in the
front of the
stage like directly in
front of you
you know six feet to the left six feet to the right
they could hear you yeah
but everyone else on the sides had
no idea what the fuck you were saying i was literally
five feet from the
stage while
while dove was on
stage and i couldn’t
understand a word he was saying
it was just
about how big was the
venue for this
it was weird
cause it was like a
nightclub it was like a
dance floor sort
of a situation
it wasn’t set up for talking
and then on top of that
the whole time he doves on stage
they’re blowing
smoke on him
i’m not kidding he’s
covered in smoke
cause a band was on before him
right so the
smoke is blowing
down on him you can’t hear a word he’s fucking saying
and is at one
point in time he turns and looks at me and nick thielin
decides like
what the fuck is this
this can’t even be real
like it was so
spectacularly shittyly set up
that it just
didn’t even seem like it
could be real and thune went up and did the same
thing and i went up and did the same
thing which is
we both like
people on the side of us were just looking at us like
anyone on the side of you they
would just look
at you they have no idea what the fuck you were saying
soon told me one of the craziest fucking stories
a couple weeks ago i can’t
even do it justice nick if you’re listening call in
no it was just like
a nightmare
stage story like it
blew my fucking mind like it was in san francisco and
like basically the waitresses all
wound up get like the
crowd hated him
and then like the waitresses were like
these roller derbyish type
betty page chicks or whatever and
they wound up like rushing him on
stage and one like held him down
while the other one
tried to pull his
pants down what it’s
honestly it’s the most fucked up
story i’ve ever
heard they did
this to nickthun
nickthun yeah recently
a few years ago i
think it was where
in san francisco because
we were talking we got on the topic
i mean i don’t
mean i hope i’m not fucking being gossipy
i don’t know it’s not
but it was like
no it wasn’t a club but he was saying that you know
yeah i don’t want to say
i don’t know if it’s
weird or not but like somebody who
books the clubs in
in san francisco was at that show and
and he’s like
hands that was like the biggest nightmare he
you know practically got boot off
stage and then
all these people
tried to rape him on stage
wow but like so i don’t
think he gets booked at like the
punchline or
he doesn’t get
booked up there and he’s like wow she was at that show
where that happened and i don’t know i guess
you know they’re not a fan or
that’s weird i don’t because i’m
i could be wrong but uh
but i know it happened in san francisco at some
weird venue
and it was the
and i’m forgetting
parts like he
it was a pretty interesting story
and i feel bad
i was hanging out with nick the other day
went like walk dogs and we’re hanging out in the park
with chelsea peredi too
and i know we’re
just all fucking goofing around i forget how it
happened but i
wound up tweeting
congratulations
to nick soon
newest cast
member on saturday
night live but just totally joking right
and we like we decide i don’t know we’re talking
about starting a
rumor or something right
and that fucking
thing spiraled
out of control so fast i feel bad i mean i’ve
taught me and nick
have talked
cause like he
started getting emails and
it’s this twitter
thing is fucking
scary like like
people were saying fuck you you know no no
no they’re saying
congratulations
we always knew you i mean it’s just the
worst like and he’s like
and he’s getting he’s got his
pants pulled down by derby bitches
well that was
that was years ago
yeah i feel bad
about that little hoax
that shafir
our shafir went on this long tour
him and tripoli
and a couple other guys
they went on this long tour and
after he came back he said one
thing for sure i
learned from this
no more bars that’s it
no more bars he said it’s not dope
before bars yeah
no more freddy soto
used to say that we used to always talk
about it the people
would offer him gigs
and you go no thank you
that’s pretty that’s
me and stanhope
started working together was
when we really started
together with bars
yeah that’s
i mean it when he was booking shit just through my
space when he’s like
i’m not working any more clubs and we just put on my
space if you have a
place tell me
where it is will work out a door deal right
and yeah we did
we did some fucking
shitty place like you know
place without
stages i mean
they were all
it was a fun
experience but did you do the outside
place in vegas
the outside
place yeah some dude was shown
having shows in his backyard
and i think doug
did it i don’t know if doug did it but i know a couple
comics like guys with names did it i
think the guy emailed me
or that sounds familiar but i came
close to doing it but i was like you know what i
could do the palms yeah
why am i doing your
crazy backyard you might be nuts man
then i’m connected to you
fuck crackpot
but it’s a great a
great idea you know kid just decides
gonna set up his own comedy club
he’s like you know i’ll charge
twenty bucks
at the door everybody’s packed in my backyard i got a
stage in a pa
and everyone’s enthusiastic we’re all
drinking beer out of
coolers and shit like
on paper it
sounds awesome yeah
but then they
gotta go man who is this
crazy asshole
yeah bringing me into his backyard
and that’s kind of the
stuff that’s
a big difference between doug and i like he kind of
thrives on that shit
where it’s like
a crazy insane idea i’m on board and
well i was hanging out at his
house back when the homeless people living on his
front porch
and then the homeless
woman wound up
stabbing the homeless man
and like you know and doug had all
these films of her in one of them she had
blood all over hands
after she stabbed her boyfriend
and she’s sitting on her
knees so she’s kneeling and she’s looking at her hands
and she goes i’m a cunt i’m a whore
i’m a cunt i’m a whore i’m a cunt to my heart
she’s saying all this craziness
while she’s got this guy’s
blood on her hands
and they take him away
and you know he has to go get
stitched up and he survives but he’s
got fucking stabbed
you know and she goes to jail and
these were people living on doug’s
front porch you just had them
and he would
videotape them
i’d hang out with them
i’d go over doug’s
house to drink and be like me and doug and
you know a couple
friends it’s a fucking homeless people that’s so
funny it was so
weird he’s so i mean he invites the
chaos but i mean god damn dude i
understand what you’re doing but fuck
homeless stabbing festivals in your front
porch that’s
i yeah but that’s a perfect example of like
yeah so any
energy that he
stuff that yeah because i’m like
i don’t yeah
but they i do try to you know sometimes i
it does make me
think twice before knee jerk
going fuck that shit that
sounds retarded yeah
i’m like well wait a minute
what if i do like i don’t know let’s
fucking live a little and see what fucking happens
you know i’ll go do some
weird backyard show where i’ll
get in a car with some guy
or you know like
after a show like all
right i’ll go to the fucking
place you guys are
you know like people want to hang out
after the show usually it’s like i’m just
gonna walk back some towns you know
austin’s the best firm
meeting people and hanging out
after show remember
brian we hung out with that dude
who was born with no arms and legs and he
drove oh that dude from
the i know him
from the karaoke
place rob yeah
yeah he’s a very nice guy
yeah his friend
and the lizard man
yeah the crazy dude was
his whole face
tattooed and his
tongue split down the middle he does like freak she
enigma yeah
the lizard man no that’s another one that’s
another guy yeah
yeah there’s a lot of them man wow
it’s a lot of it’s a lot of fucking
crazy people that just go off with
their face yeah
go nutty put ball barbs in it and fucking
horns and shit
i mean there’s a
photos online there’s some
photos online
of people you ever seen the guy there’s one really
famous one he’s got like
he looks like a cat is
gonna like cat face got his
teeth sharpened
everything’s different
colors he’s got
giant ear plugs and all
these different
lip piercings and nose
piercings and it’s a catwoman
in austin there’s probably more than one but one
from when i
first moved there she had like
whiskers fucking
metal whiskers that she
could screw into
her face and
like tiger stripes
tattooed oh my god
is there pictures of her online
i’m sure she was like
married to or dating that enigma guy for a
while the blue guy with all the puzzle
pieces and the horns and used to do the jim rose
jim rose i can’t shouldn’t be too hard to
find a picture of her yeah austin
i wrote tiger woman austin nothing
were you performing tonight burns tiger woods
cat lady maybe
tonight i’m doing a show at the improv lab
nice the improv lab is cool man
yeah it seems i wish you could
drink in it though that’s the only
thing i always bring beer in with me when i
want i mean i don’t know if you
can’t you just get a beer from the other bar and
bring it over no they told me i wasn’t allowed
she have tiger stripes all over her body
oh there’s this bitch there’s the crazy bitch
oh my god she’s nuts
yeah that’s her oh my god this crazy bitch
what she did was she has
these things and she’s kinda cute
and she had these at
least from this lozer resolution photo
she’s got tiger stripes like black
stripes like tribal looking
things all over
her body all over her legs all over her arms
all over her face
and you can see the
whiskers yeah he’s got these
metal whiskers
screwed into her
fucking skull
whoa sexy photo did i
did i would you
i mean i don’t know i mean it’s like
if i met her
and we were
like hanging out and i thought she was fun and
i mean you would be down for a fucking
chick that has
face tattoos
i haven’t but i mean i’m pretty open
minded i mean it’s like i’m not super
i don’t know what the word
well no no i’m
super picky
but i’m not as like
aesthetically like it’s
not like oh i just need a blonde with big tits like
i can’t i have to like
like you know if i’m
gonna yeah like if there’s there are girls who like
maybe weren’t
like super by you know general
standards like oh she’s
super hot but like i was fucking
there was so much fun to hang out with and
yeah i don’t know like yeah i’ll have sex with
girls if they’re cool
if they’re cool and they’re not
like i mean
yeah yeah they have face
tattoos that’s like i don’t know if i if that
attractions there i can’t really
control i hear what you say you got your open minded
how about this dude
that’s the cat man
look at this oh my god
that’s cat man
that guy yeah
that guy went deep
i mean this guy he has if you
haven’t seen
cat man you got to look it up the guy’s name is dennis
avner av ner
and he’s got
everything man he’s got fangs he has
cheek implants he has
like it looks like he’s wearing some
crazy contact lenses he’s
i don’t know what he did with his
teeth he’s got some sort of dental
things probably like a cap
you know some
crazy cap but there so he just makes
a living off of looking like that i mean that’s what it
does man what does he do work in a gas station
just could be some
crazy person
hey trust fund
baby hey what’s the name of that app again
it’s called
which one we’re talking the one that’s
all your shit
together ever know ever know yeah ever know okay
i want to say end
gadget for some strange and gadget
that
trust fund kid who just wants to look like a lion
could be just so good as broken
that like that
have you been
watching that celebrity rehab
see this one kid nah
one of the kids is a billionaire son
and he’s not really celebrity but he’s poor
kids fucked up on heroin and all kinds of shit and just
he’s just a physical
wreck and just
rebels just
chaos you know yeah
that could easily be a cat person
the same shit i mean you just you
start down that road
next thing you know you’re
screwing spikes into your fucking forehead yeah yeah
i wish i was a
trust one kid
do you i know one
he’s a weak
cunt of a man just a shell
and i don’t say a cunt
of a man like he’s a bad guy he’s actually a nice guy
but just like
weak has not has nothing
he has no drive
he has he’s always got this idea of doing
things nothing ever gets done
every business venture
i have that
but i don’t have a giant
safety next week
he’s got no character
just just you know
i think human beings need a certain amount of tasks
and accomplishing
those tasks gives you
confidence and that
confidence gives you a better
understanding of yourself and your
capabilities and what you can accomplish in this life
and people have
never had to accomplish anything they’ve
never had to pull
their own weight they’ve
never had to
make something out of nothing they’ve
never had to go out and achieve and get something done
those people have no
connection to life they’re just adrift they’re just
loose and everything’s come to them they don’t
understand you know and then they just
they have no purpose no meaning it’s
a weird thing that we as beings as
human beings have to realize is that
we have a certain amount of requirements
we require physical
touch we have to have it
you’ll be depressed if you don’t have not even
just sex but hugging and affection and being around
loved ones like that’s all
required it’s
required of your biology
you need to be able to blow
out stress you have to you have to have some sort of
physical exercise if you have a physical body
your body is
basically the same fucking hardware
as people that
lived thousands
and thousands of years ago and needed to run away from
wolves and needed to
fight off fucking
angry tribes coming over the hill
there’s a lot of shit that was
required of our
bodies back then
it’s basically the same hardware
you got to accept all
those things like people have to
in order to manage your life correctly
you really have to look at all
those things and say like
these are all requirements
this needs to be met
you know like priests
going crazy and
wanna fucking kids
hey guess what
your body has a
sexual requirement you
gotta take care that if you can’t even masturbate
yeah you’re
gonna go nutty yeah
you gonna go nutty and
stick it in anything warm you’re
fucking you’re sick
and that’s what i was talking when i was talking
about the nuns
earlier when i
you know called them dikes
i don’t have anything
against dikes
but it’s that’s what it was they’re repressed yeah
like yeah they can’t you know
they can’t even rub one out without feeling bad
about it poor fucks
so instead they just
scream in your kids faces
and the problem is once a religion gets
started it’s so fucking difficult to stop
it’s so easy to keep one going
you know it’s real easy to like for you know
if if catholics if it wasn’t catholic priest
it wasn’t like a certain
percentage wasn’t like ten percent it was a hundred
percent of all of them were raping kids
a hundred percent
people would
still argue for the catholic church yeah i
would say but they do so much good work
and they’re so good with the homeless
and they married my
sister let’s not pay attention to that part let’s just
focus on even if there was 100
of them people are so committed to it that they would
still there’s
still people that be willing to go to church
oh god yeah i mean
yeah even it was 100 of all priests proven
they all raped
kids you know
right don’t you
think across the
board it’s so hard to stop one
getting one
started once they get
started you know it’s easy to like ridicule
scientology like oh my goodness it
was made by a science fiction author in the 1950s ha ha
dianetics like
isn’t that better information than
these fucking
monkeys that
wrote this shit down
on animal skins
you know come on stupid
yeah i’ll start a fucking religion we need to
start a religion stare
difficult start a new one though
it’s very hard you can like we were looking at the um
the pilgrimage
around the mosque around mecca
you see when
they there’s a like this box like structure and they’ll
walk around it and they’ll wear like traditional robes
it’s really crazy yeah it’s really strange to
watch you know there’s
thousands and thousands of people walking around but
what i was saying
when i first saw it was like if this was new
if this was a new religion
wouldn’t you be shitting your pants
if all of a
sudden there was some new religion
where everybody wore
robes and they had a
super secret box
that was in the middle of
saudi arabia and they all
walked around it
we would be
freaking the fuck out
it would be
24 hour coverage on cnn they’re
still circling the box no word yet as to what’s
going on inside the box
what does the box represent mike
well we’re not exactly sure
there’s different accounts some
folks say that’s where
hamon is buried and some say it’s not it
could be some sort of a sacred meteorite
we would be
terrified i
heard we would
like waco yeah
i mean it’s really like some new
super waco sort of situation
but because of the fact that
it’s been around a long time we just sort of accept it
you know it’s
interesting man it’s interesting we’re cool with shit
as long as it’s
always been like that even if it’s fucking ridiculous
if it’s complete
total nonsense
as long as it’s already exists
we’d sort of
just go with whatever we see around us
like those ladies in africa that that cut their lips
and then stretch
their lips plates in
and the larger the
plate it is
just now finally in like
two thousand nine two thousand ten two thousand eleven
finally hipsters are
starting women are
starting to not yeah
bet they are
right you ever seen one
a person in america
the plate lip
lip plate no
that’s the way they
do it in africa it’s a serious commitment you have to
smash out your bottom teeth
yeah and the
women and those neck stretching
ladies too next
stretching birds that’s
crazy man because you can’t take that shit off
think about that it’s in africa
how hot is africa hot and
sticky and sweaty
and bugs are in
those little
metal bars and dirt and
fucking stray loads
cause you’re a girl
for sure some stray loads
made their way
up to that metal
right if you’re some
crazy african lady
with a long neck
for sure one dude is
thinking i am
gonna face fuck the shit out of this bitch
look at all that neck
you just swallow my dick no problem at all
so there’s all that and you can’t even take them
off to wash them because if you take them off your head
will your head will fall
right off you’ll die
break your spine or some shit
put nuts speaking of africa
stuff i just noticed the trilogy of terror doll
yeah i got that from
bobby slayton
oh yeah bobby slayton had one of the
first internet
radio shows long
before the joe rogan
experience podcast
back in the day
bobby slayton there was some
some weird company that was trying this is like the 90s
they were trying to create
an internet
radio station
who knows because people had the
radio at work and you
could listen
while you’re at work or whatever
and so they hired a
bunch of comics and i forget what it was called but
bobby slaton had the best show on it and he had you
know it’s basically the bobby
sleeping show
but it was on you know on the internet little to
ahead way way way
ahead of its time and bandwidth was like
super expensive and yeah i
couldn’t figure out yeah they
got a way to you know to monetize it i
think you know
i think i was
using dial up until like
two thousand really
again with the whole like
i’m not technologically i don’t give a shit like
two thousand it’s two thousand
eleven eleven eleven
yeah i was probably
using dial up in two thousand were you really were
seems like two thousand two thousand two
thousand two
thousand i had
definitely had
not i might had isdn
2000 no no i didn’t i had like one line
i had a t one line
because i couldn’t get
couldn’t get istn up here
i couldn’t get rather i couldn’t get cable
and i couldn’t get dsl
so i got a t one line
until they got dsl up here
so i had some
ridiculous internet
connection up here mmm
like a business
connection that use for like an office building
to get it is the only thing i can get was high speed
that was my game addiction days
dude for sure
they’re coming up with
this new way of broadcasting wireless internet that
that goes through light spectrums
have you heard of this i’ve heard of it wow
just like how wireless internet goes through
radio spectrum this goes through a light spectrum
wrap your fucking head around that
they’re wireless internet through
light but you
already have we know you can do internet through
power lines you know power line
adapters and stuff like that just nothing really crazy
it’s just like you have you plug in one plug
is your internet and then
on the other side of the house you have the
other side of the internet it just runs through your
power lines
brendan walsh has to take a leak i have to piss
yeah i’ve been i can
see it i can see the way you’re moving fella
well expert we’ve been on shit
2 45 justin should we just wrap this bitch up we
just wrap this bitch up brennan
where can people see you next man
tonight tonight at the improv
lab tomorrow what time is the improv lab
think the show
starts at eight
thirty eight
thirty and then tomorrow will be on the
eight o’clock show at the improv
and if you’re in new york
i mean go to my website brendan walsh com b r e n d o n
w a l s h uh
and i’m gonna
be taping a couple episodes of the john oliver show
what’s that work
so you know the guy from the
daily show john oliver the english dude
okay correspondent
he has he’s a
stand up and he has his own
stats like john oliver and friends so he comes out
to host the show and then there’s like four comics and
do like ten minutes
is this a comedy central show comedy central
yeah and there’s if you go to my website there’s a link
if it’s this week this coming weekend
the fourteenth fifteenth and sixteenth you can
there’s a link on my
front page where you can go get free
tickets if you want to go to the taping it’s on the
nyu campus and then i’ll be in a
go bananas in cincinnati
nice february
tenth through thirteenth and uh
sun valley idaho
i think i did
go bananas in cincinnati i’m pretty sure i did
yeah you cincinnati’s a
weird one didn’t i
it’s i don’t know i don’t
think it was go bananas i
think you did the that’s one of the clubs
i think i did it
i think i did with ari
well there was because there was a show there once
there was a
ufc in cincinnati
is a weird place we have to
land in kentucky and they call the cincinnati airport
yeah it’s in kentucky yeah
yeah that’s a trip
and that’s the cincinnati
funny bone is actually in kentucky yeah
that’s the one that’s really
really yeah
i went to go bananas too once
power yeah that’s
benson’s favorite
club for some reason
it’s a really
small club man yeah it’s
i don’t know what it holds to
it’s like a basement sort of a
yeah it’s got a
cool i mean
the name go bananas does yeah i did it with justice
i did it with chris mcguire that’s why i did it with
brian long ass
time ago and then the next time i came i did the
funny bone i think
the fuck am i talking about
february 10th through 13th i’ll be at the
funny bone and
yeah at the new york
thing go to my website
at t shirts
com ladies gentlemen
um shows coming up i got the improv
in miami not
miami i ain’t
going there
sorry the improv in west palm
beach florida that’s
where i’m going
west palm beach is
28th 29th and 30th
and february 4th at the
mandalay bay theater in vegas
you dirty bitches
that one is a that’s
gonna be a good one that’s ari shafir
and joey diaz
if joey diaz
doesn’t pull a joey diaz
yeah like you did the other
night at sal’s yeah
we were all at sal’s yeah
brendan was at
sal’s as well well
and joey was supposed
to go up and do a set and he just fucking vanish
even tweeted
i’ll see you tonight cocksucker
listen cocksucker there’s
things i need
you decided
not to go shit happens shit happens i
get on my path
i gotta stick
there i’m a
loyal soldier
cocksucker i
gotta do what i gotta do
he’s joe diaz man just sometimes he pulls a joe diaz
doesn’t want to
i don’t know him
super well but i hear
about him a lot from dying
he’s a fucking national treasure
funniest man ever walked the face of the planet
no one’s close
no one’s made me
laugh as hard i’ll show you a
video once we get done with this okay
ladies and gentlemen that’s it
show’s over
thank you to the flashlight
flashlight rather
if you go to joe rogan
net and you
click the link and
you could get a
flashlight for 15
off you enter in the code the code is rogan and
you get a discount
discount on your
masturbatory tool
and i do support
it it’s a fucking excellent product gives you
massive ball
twitching orgasms
if you can get
past the fact that you’re fucking a rubber vagina
your grown man this is what you
chose to do with your time
that’s fucking awesome when you’re taking it
on when you’re loading it in the dishwasher
we will have another podcast on
thursday we’re not exactly sure who’s
gonna be there we got a couple options we’re
gonna figure that shit out so we’ll have another one of
these on thursday and of course your itunes
freaks you don’t care
you get it when you get it
you don’t really get it at the same time
unless you go to joe rogan
net you can always download it
right away right
after we do it tuesday and
thursday it’s
always available online i’m talking too much and i’m
tired of sounding my own fucking voice
i can goodbye goodbye everyone
as always we love you bitches
later