biggie smokes for mayor the rock slayer
the hooker layer
don’t smoke
biggie smokes for mayor
the rock slayer the hooker layer
motherfucker say your prayers hail mary full of grace
smack the bitch in the face take her gucci bag
and i’m gonna face off her back chopper if she act
funny with the money oh you got me mistaken honey
we on now there we go
this is biggie smalls mixed up with led zeppelin
yeah who did this
doesn’t even say
pretty fucking badass
yeah it doesn’t even say who did it
that’s weird
ladies and gentlemen
welcome to the podcast our guest
today is the one and only mr
al madrigal
longtime friend
al and i first
worked together in san francisco at the old old cops
tiny cops hundred
and fifty seaters
even see a hundred
fifty probably two hundred tops tops
we’re squeezing
chairs really
illegally i don’t
think it got all
kinds of fire codes violations let’s say
let’s say two hundred let’s say one
fifty so we don’t get anybody in
trouble but it was a
fucking awesome little club
and then now it’s
like totally different now it’s like this big gigantic
we did new years yeah
first new years remember that
a lot of gigs
a lot of gigs
same after go from
going way back to like what 2000
maybe 2000 i
think something like that yeah
yeah 11 years
i haven’t been doing
i met you when i had just been you know
started to do
stand up comedy
a year in yeah
we worked together at the old cobs
you’re funny back then even yeah
a little fuck
and that it’s
funny because i just
think i just figured it out
i just feel like
my latest stuff has been clearly
how many years you in now
12 years 12
years that’s what they say they say 10 years
takes 10 years for you to become a real comic
yeah you know like by that
about that totally you
know i heard it put
that 20 it takes
seven years to get your law degree
and then another
seven years for you to become a good lawyer so
that’s the same
thing with standout
yeah practicing as
a professional comedian for x amount of years and then
becoming really good at it
finding your own space
finding who the fuck you are without
influence of
other comedians
and actually having your real personality be you on
stage that shit takes a long ass time it really does
especially if you’re distracted if you have
other things
going on oh and it’s easy for also you lose your way
as a stand up and a lot of guys
you know just stop trying
my big pitfalls have always been tv shows
like they’ve been great
you know like news
radio especially
like when i was on news
radio we worked we worked
some serious long
hours so you’re
working and you’re taking away from your
standup you’re not
able to hit the clubs as much as you like i’ve been on
i’ve done six pilots
and two that made it on
the air and so i you know exactly what you’re talking
about because you’re working
every single day and then
we have families yeah
and you gotta
spend time with them
yeah and then
stand up gets
pushed to three
when stand up is usually number one yeah
very hard to justify getting on
stage all the time and for me
i just straight got lazy
cause not only did i did
stand up on the weekends i
would do like
oh shit dare you out magical
the funniest ringtone
oh by the way we’re sponsored by the
flesh yeah by the way that’s a good reason that’s why
that’s who’s calling karma
flashlight calling tell us
no bitch we paid
yeah yeah we are actually sponsored
by the flashlight if you go to joe rogan
net and click the link you get 15
off and and
endorsed it’s fucking good product
have you ever used one buddy no
no one has had sex with that
that’s the butthole version yeah great
touch that it’s
technology man
put your finger in
plastic in real
it’s very realistic
right sure this is
a good product
there’s nothing better for beating off
it’s a commitment you
gotta you know you
gotta go out of your way and say okay i’m
gonna fuck this tube now
with this and the coconut
juice i feel like
i learned two
great things
yeah c2o sent us a
bunch of cases of coconut
juice but i ran out of them sorry c2o
this is amy and
brian’s i had to pay for this
which is really good too they’re all good
right but c2o
gave me some free shit so props
but the the
flashlight if you go
like i said you’ve go to the link
on joe rogan dot net
click it and
enter in the code rogan and you get fifteen percent off
and it’s a good product like i
said keep to
where is it put that lid on
yeah you gotta keep it
fresh i want to get it
dusty with cat hairs and shit man i got cats
yeah so yeah you’re allergic to cats so you might be
that’s the thing is
it hasn’t affected
me yet but there’s a very good chance that i
could completely
lose it and
have to be rushed to the hospital it’s no big deal
i think that the volcano is
gonna bypass all that and put it in
order for you
is it a breathing
thing or is it do you get
swollen breathing eyes
throat closes
oh shit mouth to
mouth resuscitation
might be necessary
in other words he’s a
pussy that’s the
thing that’s what
a large part of my act has become
about allergies
me like talking to a
cholo but i have allergies
no i do like
a couple different stories that i have is a
cholo soccer dad
that i’m talking about and
stuff like that it’s all about me
having allergies in front of
black people
feels my inferior yeah hey
sorry here’s a fascinating
thing that i read
about the h1n1
virus the flu virus
they’re saying now that the people that survived it
the people that got it and survived it they have like
super immune
systems now
and now they don’t get any flows
they don’t get any of the flows it’s like
they think that they may
be able to come up with a universal vaccine for flus
based on the h1n1 wow
based on the
people that survived it
pretty fascinating shit man yeah use em those
a motherfucker of a flu
the thing about
those flus is they’re getting better
they’re getting
stronger they evolve just like
everything else
evolves and when
these assholes take
their fucking
medicine they don’t take it all
especially this is
especially true
about antibiotics
people who get sick and they take antibiotics and
they only take it for like
until they feel better
like say if you’re supposed to take it for 10 days
the bacteria that survive is like
super powerful
antibiotic resistant bacteria so that becomes like this
strain that’s almost impossible to kill
that’s where this
mercy shit comes from
now the people are
dying from these
crazy staff infections it’s because assholes
don’t take their fucking pills
they take like
a percentage of them and then they quit
and they develop this new fucking
super virus because of that
these cunts
so you got to finish all your
medication finish your
medication bitches
you’re not smarter than the scientists who
corolla shit
so what we’re asking
people to do is
use the flashlight
yeah coconut
juice beat off into that shit
just use your
medication take the all of it take all that shit
i’m really bad at that i
admit it i get down to the
last one or two
and yeah shouldn’t do that i’m just as guilty
as anybody else for
humanity for
humanity take that shit
they should give two extra
just so i don’t take this
too oh god they
should treat you like a
child you know what i mean
i’d be bad at
birth control
but yeah they should do
oh you’d be pregnant
yeah i would be totally
knocked out
yeah for sure
abortions all day long
you know they say that a big
supply of pharmaceutical drugs are in the
water supply
there’s not a big
supply but a big percentage
like you know there’s measurable amounts
of everything
everything from antidepressants to
birth control
pills in water
supply yeah
cause people
flush their shit
people flush their
stuff down the toilet
i mean that’s
where your water
supply is coming from a lot of it’s coming from
reconstituted poop
water you know
in some places
right isn’t that
where they get their
water supply
they fucking fix up the poop
water water
doesn’t go anywhere it’s
never gonna die it’s the same water
jesus christ
how much can you fool to filter out
where you’re leaving in the
birth control pills but giving me no poop
you’re sure there’s no poop in this there’s
gotta be some poop in there you fuck
i’d like some poop free water
if the same
water is coming our way
that birth control pills get into
unless i’m ignorant
about how birth control pills get into
water and they’re not being dumped off what
is the amount of
birth pills or
like anything
going into the
water system is that really i mean
large enough to affect it i mean i don’t
know it’s a good question but i
would like zero percent of
birth control pills of diet not even
point zero zero
one there’s no pregnant
water anymore at least
hmm what what
yeah i think you know we got to be real careful
about that shit man you know the idea that
water is 96
of our bodies and it’s the one
thing that we love to
throw things into it’s so fucking stupid
you know we need
water obviously
humans need water
always dumping shit in the
water because it’s so easy
we’re such cunts yeah
i do a lot of like vigilante
dumping whatever
just dumping
oil and shit no or you know
i say i’m guilty because when i see a dumpster near my
house i’m like i
gotta put a fucking that
chair in there
well there’s nothing
wrong with that but i think
all countries in
these companies are actually talking
oh you know like
1 800 junk what
is that yeah
that’s where the coming
they come and get your shit
they’re shipping it to fucking china
where they’re paying for
cheap landfill
so huge huge like a
secret in the
night fucking barges full
of our shit
shows up in
china and there’s a
landfill all over the
place and so
i mean a flushing
pills down there i mean that’s the
least of our
trouble it’s all
these foreign
countries that don’t have any luck
and laws that are just
allowing you to dump and
bury and look
and there’s
toxic waste that we’re
shipping over there it’s horrible
dude china is crazy they
develop some new
eco city it’s fucking fantastical have you seen this
thing no it’s on my twitter
brian have you seen it
it was i posted it someone someone
tweeted it and
i retweeted it it’s pretty fucking amazing
man this is new city that they have that’s like some
it looks like like some
gigantic future
space solar
powered like
greenhouse of a city
it’s like they have
glass domes over
buildings over
buildings it’s
fascinating
sure right around inside look at it yeah
it’s like the simpsons what is the
title of the
article so someone can google if they want to google it
station eco city
in china you
could just type in eco
city in china eco city in
china will find it forget that
first word it’s
amazing world we live in
we can just
do that jin
how fucking cool is that
you can just
type that into a box and just gives you the instant
information instant information instant
we don’t even realize how
crazy that is why is there
college anymore yeah right
just a way to torture you yeah
you to go somewhere and
fuck there’s a commercial on
right now where
they’re doing that you just see family sitting around a
phone and they look over and they see just so be actors
who they don’t know
who exactly it is and
it says his name is so and so and people are just
googling and getting instant information
on the spot
when they need
it and that’s totally what we’re doing my
phone is fantastic it’s amazing that’s when people have
their phones on in comedy shows i say
i realize that’s a
fascinating device
i mean i have
one i fucking look at it all the time and i love it
yeah now’s not
the time to have it so just put it in that’s my
first one do
do you wig out on people that film you
um i make i make them stop
some people are just so blatant
with it they’re like sitting
right in the
front row and they’re
pointing a camera and you filming like just flip
video camera just straight up silly
and i usually
point it out but sometimes people don’t care
yeah you wanna go just
enjoy the fucking moment
enjoy the show i
like everything
doesn’t have to go on youtube i do the
laugh factory and you’re
standing on the stage
and there’s two monitors on the side you’ve done that
close sure and
i sometimes look in the audience
people are watching me on the fucking monitor
yeah it’s like i’m
right here lady
what the fuck
yeah that’s
weird people do that at the
ufc all the time too they watch the
fights on the monitor
yeah it’s in
front of you yeah
i see that i do that sometimes ring side to
catch myself doing that
dude replayed
side guys are
fighting five feet in
front of me and i’m looking at this little
thirteen inch monitor in
front of me
well sometimes you get a better perspective yeah
that’s why i’m doing it
but it’s still
funny that i’m doing it yeah
right there it’s
right there and i’m
watching a tv
yeah that’s ridiculous
i like it on the
ufc just because it’s like the different camera
angles especially when
you get on the ground you can’t see anything on the
floor close yeah
totally yeah
that’s where it’s real confusing too
if you’re in the
stands and you don’t have commentary
like a lot of times you don’t see what guys are
going for you don’t see
how a guy so i’m trying to set something up you know
you just went
out first you
could see right
my very first one was the
las vegas palms
real recently
fox fight spike
night fights
spike fight
fight fight fight
yeah couldn’t get it out
yeah yeah this is the
finals of the ultimate fighter and then they have
jason tebow was around
he also got he got
a ticket from you and he said
closer he was just texting
us constantly saying who’s sitting next to and so
until he was
like really
yeah rampage
rampage was behind them
because i’m in
front of rampage
oh yeah you
couldn’t believe
so he was all
about his location very
funny guy he was like a little kid in a
candy store he
said he was just loving life that was
dressed up he wore a blazer
team with the blazer
and rainbow socks job
teams a good dude yeah
very funny very
funny guy very smart
and he’s been around for a long time and
hilarious frustrating when you know you see god
like that’s not getting anywhere and you like how come
you know what’s going on
yeah what’s happening
why is it war
of our team
famous you know
strange world we live in this comedy world
so when i met
you you’d only been doing it like what two years
even less than that less
than that wow dude i met you in the day son and then
you recommended me for the comedy
story yeah sorry
with it was you and freddy
soto and it’s like oh this is the best
and i go in and
and then we were doing the fridays and saturday
nights there
until everything blew up over there and then
i’ve worked with you
quite a bit
a lot of comedy
store gigs man
yeah and you used to have that
you put in the recorder what i always appreciated
that joe bought a digital recorder not a digital
cd burner for the club
and so i’d go
in there with a cd just constantly on a friday
night and just show up
handle my cd
i have all well i had
three different
things that i bought i
started out with a dat
player a dat
recorder i had
digital audio tape installed there
but the problem with that is that no one had a dat
player yeah
so then i said okay we’ll get mini discs
because that seems like a good format but a problem
was mini disc died out sure so then i
switched it to cd
so so i put
three different
systems in there yeah
the cd and then you had all of like
those live moments that you
never really get on a comedy
album yeah i’ll record it
at the comedy
store yeah it was perfect yeah
well you know it’s just like
we needed to have it there and
there was a
budget issue
yeah there’s
at least the comedy
store appreciated
after you did all these nice
well mitzi did
the real comedy store did
you know that
was that was
where my loyalty was in the
first place now they
put it in a
kitchen over there
yeah good good good
place to get food poisoning
20 years too late
what the fuck
you know how many how much
money they lost for not having
just not chose
yeah but you know what dude is the comedy
story this was supposed to be
it the real
issue there was that they stopped
nurturing good comedy and they had a lot of this
the issues that
alan i were talking
about right before the show
that he’s dealing with there right now
they don’t have the
right intentions
they don’t have they’re not looking out for comedy
they’re not even looking
out for the club anymore they’re just looking out for
short dollars they’re looking out for what’s
gonna work and what’s
gonna get the
money right now yeah
it’s tough because i really i mean on
those friday and saturdays i remember
those i honestly
want some of the best
nights you were there for all of those
some of the best nights
that i’ve ever had as a
comic that place
packed and it’s like that old cops you were talking
about when you get that
150 to 200 seater
really packed it’s that’s a
great that was
a fun gig man because when i was doing fear factor
i i couldn’t really travel
and so i just set up shop at the comedy
store and i set it up so that
i paid for everything i paid for the
sound system
i did i advertised
everything on myspace i
never asked for a time
pack the place
every weekend and work totally for free
yeah and when that was happening man
that was like
the most fun time ever for comedy for me you know
we had some good times in that
crazy weekends
crazy weekends
at least 10 times
i bought the entire audience’s
shots oh yeah that’s
crazy at least
about times remember that the
whole audience
had shots whenever i
would kick somebody out
i would go look
i know that we just went through this douchey
moment together but we can change this we can get out
of this feeling i know this feels terrible we had some
drunk assholes yelling
things and they got kicked out
and everybody feels
weird like what the fuck man
you know and there’s a few people
going well they paid to you know it’s just stop
those are douchebags
right let’s
we’re not douchebags we’re
gonna change all this shit
so i would like to buy you guys a
drink everybody and
and you know kind of
bring the mood back and everybody
would cheer
and we’d all wait i
would say that’s the one
thing that we
gotta wait we
gotta wait and everybody waited man
every time we
never had an
issue with people
drinking their shots
early the waitresses they hustled they came
back and forth they had to do like fucking 10 15 trips
you know with big trays full of shots
but we gave shots to everybody that wanted them yeah
probably a few alcoholics fell off the wagon
but you guys
were like well fuck it man he’s giving me a shot
i don’t want to be a dick and
next thing he’s
blacked out with his
pants down you know
a lot of people
shots for everybody but
that was a shitload
of people yeah
it was thousands of dollars
every time it wasn’t shots
for everybody and there was 10 people there in the bar
and that’s what
shots for everybody in a big fucking room
but it was you know and
it worked though it totally restored the vibe because
first of all everybody knew that i was paying for it so
you know it was
gonna cost real money
and you know
and it was just
all for the vibe to fix it
cause we can
you know all that was the
whole attitude
about it and that
should be the
attitude of comedy you know it’s supposed to be
it’s about getting into it and
finding you know finding what’s fucking fun
about and taking everybody to what’s fun
you know and when you
you have an opportunity to correct the vibe of the room
you know if
you can do it like that that’s really what it’s all
about right
now you said you had
used to do a podcast like
five years ago when the podcast
first came out and
those were really big back in the day and they
kinda died and it was there
yeah there was like a podcast
you know it was four years ago i don’t even know what
you know your own podcast
is called i did 17 episodes that’s a lot
you think it’s a lot of
did a tv show 1994
only did six episodes yeah
i could tell you a lot about it it was um
it was we had sort of
many names for the thing but it was the
i would did it with
peter miriad a comedy writer and so it was just
he’s half mexican and i’m half mexican
and it was to
combine fulton
together you’re
one mexican together we are one mexican
that would be a good name for it together one mexican
together we are one mexican and we
still don’t speak spanish
you don’t speak anything no not really it’s horrible
beers must get mad at you yeah it’s
just like the allergies put me
it’s in i’m in a
weird spot with the big guy with the laker jersey
the big guys at the
lakers you know and that’s my problem also was that the
in la they segment you when
i was working with joe in san francisco when we first
started i didn’t even know i was a latino
comic i was just a
comic and then you
moved down to la
and immediately i got put in this hbo aspen
comedy thing
where it was me jeff garcia
freddy’s soda willy barseno
all these young
guys together
billy get on the bus babe
and they gave me a
tin of red hots they brought me a
tin of red hots
and they said this is for you says hbo
latino on it and this guy mateo comes up and goes
my name is mateo can i interview you in spanish
you know and shit like that i was like
yeah you can fucking try
it’s not gonna work out mateo
i don’t know why i’m not a
latino comic
i’m just a fucking
comic and i went to my friend
becky pedago
i was like they give you a hat
and they give me fucking red hot fuck
i’m not with these guys and i looked at her i
swear to god i’m not with these guys i said i said
i looked at her and i go i’m a mexican comedian
i swear to god
and i was like i just
learned it oh no look
when i came
on here and so i did the sets
and that’s weird for me because
you know it’s just like you sort of get put in that
group and they all sort
of make funny i did
new years did
they make fun of you like the real mexican
comics where
they’re like i remember walking up to you know how
those comedy
break dance circles form
where it’s just a comedy
like a group of
comics standing in a circle
right right
right and i do see to
tv the latino comedy festival
on you know tv show for ctv is shitty
you know wanna be english
speaking latino station i think
still exists
and it’s really tiny at the time so they’re doing
stand up and i sent
them there with
it’s got rick uterras and all
these mexican comics
and they’re talking
about how him and gabriel
live together and they don’t
go on the road they go on they’re on the road so much
that no one’s ever at
their house
and i look at them and i go wow
let’s have a lot of dead plants
and then and then
the guy looks at me because we don’t have any plans bro
what are you talking
about we don’t have any plan
what the fuck no plans
that’s how i feel like around all
these guys i got made fun of every night over new years
by a comic that i was supposed to co headline with i’ll
never do another latino show again
you got made fun of yeah which was a
co headline
who is fucking willie
willie by sending me funny
well i didn’t
think he was making fun of me but we had a conversation
about it i felt like he was just
he kept bringing up my name like saying
and he actually said this at one point he goes
i don’t want my kids to grow up like i’ll you know
like all scared
whoa like that was talking you know about me
you know and doing the
whole my name is al madrigal and i’m a latino
like okay i fucking get it
i talk about myself and i’m
self deprecating
so we’re doing the new year’s
countdown and
he was off on his time
he started trying to do the countdown
five minutes early
everybody has fucking cell phones they call him on
you know they’re like no it’s not it what are you doing
and so he has to wait
and then he yells
to the back of the room to the manager at the sack
punch he goes you trying to humiliate me bro
up here on stage
and i grabbed the back mic
flipped it on really
quick and i go
what’s the matter willie
don’t like being humiliated on stage
is that fucking get to you
like and he’s like this badass
he’s like an east la
street fighter that
killed people
and then he goes we had a problem baroni
i love willy and i go look willy
and i made him understand i go i get just as
angry as you do
but i don’t have the fighting ability
do you understand me here i go
i’m just as fired up as
you’ve killed guys
you know and fucking annihilated people
and i don’t have the ability to do that
but i still feel fucking angry as shit
so you got angry at him saying that you were scared
just talking shit about you i just don’t like what any
comic brings up to your next comic before them and
starts really fucking referring to somebody you know
and derogatory
yeah i was using me as an example of
what if you were really good friends
with them and you were joking around with them like
i have friends and they go on
after each other and joke around
about each other
yeah you know
like joey will go on
after ari and and
you know and talk
about ari being a jew
you know but how well the little
guys know each other
yeah real good real good i always make fun of joey
you know yeah
you know but it’s like
oh no i’m just
then it’s all
about the relationship i
totally yeah so
your relationship
is it’s more like he’s actually mocking you it’s
really funny i want my kids
grow up like you all scared at montreal
in two thousand two and i’ve told him this
story we’ve talked
about it and i walked out to when i
was the only other non
why you know like he’s only
latino guy there
and i don’t know anybody and i wait so i go hey willie
how you doing nice to meet you al madrigal
he looks at me goes
you don’t even say your own last name right bro
like it just
wow i know he’s
supposed to say it
like madrigal
really could you imagine if
you really did that though and rolled your tongue and
everything you’d be
committed to
every other word exactly
just do it for that yeah
yeah just roll the name and not
well when i was in college you went to
tijuana what
what oh excuse me
tijuana yeah you
gotta commit
when i when i do the
weigh ins and i have to pronounce dudes names i
have to decide whether or not i want to commit to that
super spanish way of saying things
you know and there’s a lot of mexicans in ufc
right i mean sure yeah yeah
it’s the correct way to say it
but it’s like you know like
montreal is how we say it but they say montreal
they say montreal yeah
so really you
should say montreal
like who the fuck are you to say montreal
that’s not their city i
used to get
pissed that when people say frisco
and shit like that no
did san francisco like
stuck in for you really like
touchy oh same
friend that’s
you get used to get pissed at
them calling it sam oh no no no i’m just saying it’s a
native do you prefer
faggotville yeah i do
what is the most derogatory
name to the
no i’m just saying
when you’re calling it the
wrong thing and you’re a
local you know
i mean we’re not no one’s
expected to
pronounce it by the way i’m not saying faggot
anymore i just had
a retirement
it wasn’t even i just
is an example oh i
tried that thing that’s someone else
yeah yeah i totally stopped saying faggot
did you hear that toronto
is censoring
the mark knopfler song the dire
straits song
what is that song
the rock star song
what is that fucking song
god damn it who’s dire strait you don’t know who dire
strait is of course
money for nothing
money for nothing and chicks for free
right because it’s got that song has the word faggot
in it three times
oh that you little faggot
with his own jet airplane
that little faggot he’s a millionaire yeah i forgot
about that that shit was on the radio
so just uh yeah so
they’ve decided
well no was in toronto’s in the newspaper in toronto
and you know they’ve decided i
guess in canada to
start censoring that song
at least in canada
i mean i don’t know if they do in america i’m sure
they play it on
class of rock
it’s tricky man because i mean that is a gay
that’s a gay slur
and it’s on a major song
that’s on the tv that was a very popular
song remember that was one
of the first
music videos
yeah it was on tv yeah it was like 3d animation i don’t
think it was a
faggot on the
yes they did yeah
on the popular version
absolutely on the
television version on the
radio version well we
could look up the
mtv video right now yeah let’s look up the internet
yeah let’s not listen to
it though because it’s really not that good no no no no
you know they had some killer
songs but that wasn’t one of them that was just that
was one of the
old videos where they had like neon
flashing in the
background and
small it’s like poorly yeah
you know it’s dope
roller girl you ever
heard that song roller girl from dire
straits no but
pull that up from boogie nights
mmm you like that shit
apparently that
bitch is crazy
oh she just did the hangover
yeah yeah oh that’s
right she was a hooker yeah okay
that’s a good role
yeah i heard she’s off the charts crazy
love people
like that just like knowing they’re out there
dire straits fine
do they have it skate away
dire straight skate away could be it yeah skate away
and so
skate away didn’t we say roller girl yeah this is it
this is a song from my childhood man this is
i mean i might have been like fucking 13 or
12 or some shit when this song was out
they’re brilliant musicians man
it’s like it’s a different kind of rock and roll
they were really big too it’s not like this is some
no they were huge they were huge they were huge
but i was in high
school dire straits with gigantic that was
it’s cool video is that a walkman she has a giant man
biggest walkman
same old cruise in the curbside crawl
let’s play
yeah
i really feeling this song are you guys yes
love it you
how dare you that
girl needs to
skate away from me she’s ugly she’s living in nineteen
seventy nine
dude didn’t even didn’t have makeup back then
these to dress themselves up with flowers
clown makeup
it looks like
you know she used to have to wait around
this is a window to another
world bro this is a different era that’s how
crazy this fucking world is evolving and how quickly
look at that big stupid walkman she’s got on
you know her
giant stupid headsets although
stupid headsets big ones like we’re wearing right now
they’ve made a comeback yeah because of
those beats dr dre yeah
everybody wants to pretend they’re a fucking dj
yeah you know i’m gonna get a real good
sample of this
music i’m saying i need full
coverage of my ears i’m saying
like i gotta hear the whole song i hear the
dirty shit in the background i got the bows
cancel yeah
those are dope yeah
yeah the beats ones i have those they cancel the noise
it’s nice i like how rap battles have
moved on to
headphones now because it’s like you got the dr dre
ones now and i
think 50 cent
has luda luda just came out with his
own shit why not
everybody share
their own headphones
yeah i want my own headphones that’ll be cool yeah
i think it’s an easy
little alien logo on the headphones you can
smoke em when
you’re done listening
yeah right we could
store a stash like
there’s an extra
battery area
to the show
would have a set of
those joe rogan
headphones that
would be weird that
would be step one of the cult
step one step two purple nikes step three
alien logo tattooed somewhere in your body step four
trying to empty
step five you embrace twitter
out of are you
are you addicted to it
you know what
i read a lot more than
i post just you like
someone’s a lurker
i’m not that much of a lurk
so tell me this
problem that you’re having at the comedy
store they were talking about
well you know it’s
i guess when you stay in one
place for too long you sort
of it’s with your job or with anything else you just
start to realize that the people if you start
associating with the same people over and over
again sometimes you need to get a little negative
yeah there’s always been a real negative vibe there and
but the stage time is amazing
and we just were talking
about it’s like running with weights on
yeah that’s what we’re talking
about we had some great times there
definitely working out there is
harder than working out anywhere else yeah i
think blaine compass
is a very funny comedian said
if this was if comedy codes were a video game
then the comedy
store would be one of the hardest
levels boss
level boss level and
then you’d go like a la factory improv
and then when you get down easy
would be like the ucb
and all those
things because they’re very very supportive and like
smart and everyone’s paying attention
and at the comedy
store i have russian guys yelling out at you constantly
yeah but you know what though
the sad part
about that store is when it reveals its
true side when someone goes up who’s not good and kills
someone goes up with some really dumb hacky shit when
they destroy that’s
when you go
oh you guys aren’t cool
you’re just in the dark
that’s what i was talking you’re just
dummies in the dark
sort of makes you feel bad
about yourself when you go up and you
think you had a good set
and then just the worst
comic in the
world goes up
fucking two three
after you and just murders well you know
that’s a symptom of what you were talking
about with like the
ucb well the
ucp is very well organized
they’ve got a very
clear ethic
they’re trying to
put out good
art they’re trying to put out good comedy to support it
it’s like it’s very obvious what they’re up to
and so because of that that’s the kind of
crowd they attract
the comedy store is just people are just walking by
you know and they’ve
heard the name
and they stumble in and they don’t know any better or
they know who’s the advertised you
know or it could be hey i’ll
magical put it on twitter he’s
gonna be the comedy
store tonight let’s go down and
check it out but
you get such a hodgepodge it is
it is like a vortex of
crazy people for whatever reason
crazy people are
drawn to that spot
like i don’t
wanna believe in energy i don’t
wanna believe in any of that fucking crystal sucking
astrological bullshit
i don’t wanna believe in that i
wanna take things on face
value but if
ever there was a fucking there was some evidence
for a place having like
crazy energy and having like a weird
attraction to it
that fucking comedy
store was that man i’m the same way i feel like
i don’t believe in any of that crap
but if there was ever a
place for that
to exist it
would have to be something
weird just happened yeah maybe its
effects are over exaggerated like it’s not the
only you can’t only have shitty times at a
place like that but
you know when you find out the history of that
place and you know
it was bugsy seagulls nightclub
back in the
prohibition
days yeah we’re still
heroes yeah they yeah
who said that eliza
yeah schlesinger
so they were doing abortions in the basement
but we always get in the subject
about how fucking
crazy that place is and how
creepy it is but they kill people there for sure and
maybe there’s like a little shred of that is
still in the room it’s no
funny bone you
know corporate
like comedy
club that’s a little bit different than
those yeah there’s no
animated microphone
with another microphone
standing in the back yeah
showing you who’s coming up next week and
that’s the other
thing when you get used to being in
other clubs
get used to like working for the improv
and you see how fucking organized they are
you know and they have posters of guys that are
gonna be there
next week and you know with supporting acts and they
show times and they have a you know online
where you can buy tickets it’s all in the poster
and they’re just like way in advance
you go to the
store there’s a piece of
paper that fucking
tommy’s got
spilled coffee on
you know and has everybody’s name written on it
you know and
if you call in and you ask oh who’s up tonight like
um um who’s up
where’s the fucking list
um it’s like
nobody nobody knows what’s
going on yeah
cock snail too
but at one point in
time yeah he wants to know if you’re sucking cocks too
he said he asked
brian brian
sucking cocks yeah i get off
stage and he goes
you sucking cock snail too
fucking work
for joe rogan
fucking just
went off on me
i had like a good set and i get off stage
tommy and he just
goes crazy on me just saying i was gay and i was
using the comedy
store and i was a spy and
sucking dicks and
fucking not that’s the guy
crazy get off
stage and ask
and suck dicks yeah
well what’s
funny is i’ve been
greeted like that ever
i know it’s bad and what sucked is like a cool
what’s funny is i got off
stage and i was just feeling so
happy and good
and then when he did that to me i was like oh
why are you
doing this to me he buzz
killed you dude he buzz killed you yeah but
after talking to a lot of comics i
guess that’s just what
he does and he’s trying to
scare you and the
thing so he’s
using intimidation
tactics yeah yeah
she just swung on him
when a dude does that
you just swung on him and you put your dick in his face
i just pull your dick out you hold him down you
pull your dick out and just rub it all over his face go
don’t you ever
fucking do that to me again
i have thoughts like that
constantly that’s what makes me sort of danger i just
gotta go in gotta
develop a good amount
i just gotta go and do my job and get the
fuck out i’m
talking about rubbing your dick on his face no
yeah well there’s a lot of negative energy in that
place you know
what you were talking
about before that you don’t want to talk
about obviously
there’s a new comedy thief
in at the comedy store
and a guy that got kicked out of the ha ha
cafe and he’s another one of
these guys that’s blatantly on purpose
looking to steal people’s material and use it
but i have to be very clear and
i don’t even want to get involved i don’t
care we don’t have to
bring the guy’s name up we don’t have
to bring his name
that’s not the issue
what i was talking
about was how the club
justified it
and now they they actually told you when you brought
the guy’s name up that he’s not bad looking on the eyes
yeah that’s actually atomic well
right yeah yeah
whoopsies sorry
yeah this is what he said to me
so you’re a
comic now and
i said yeah i try any guys you working for joe grogan
still yeah i
still work for
him you suck cock now too what and then i
go together if you do repeat that
you work for jewelry
you suck and
brian said yeah
i said yeah i suck two cocks and then
two three four cocks
and then five times
and then he
goes you come with me at this criticism you go on
stage and you work for that phony fuck
and it’s just like what
where is this
coming from why many
they just really took the
wrong sides and this old thing is
about them making the
wrong choices
you know just throughout
look they give me a lot of
stay it’s negative energy
man that’s why they have to do it they’re sucked into
their own suck
but then i got my
ankle weights and i want to go i can wear
you don’t have to though
it’s not necessary i you know i my act got
a lot better soon as i stopped being there i got less
angry and i
think some of my
like comedy was being formed
by the energy in that place
there’s a lot of
great things
about that place but
it’s also it’s dark i love hanging out there
i love it just because the people
other than that if they all hung out at fucking waffle
house i would be there
brian you remember that time we were
filming and that hooker came back and just wanted to
start talking to us
about the business
and how she meets guys and how she sets it up
it was pretty
crazy man out of nowhere
this girl just
she came up to us
and she seemed
you know like fairly normal
right yeah she didn’t seem totally crazy
you know she was just
having a good time like everybody else
then she starts talking
about being a hooker
yeah that’s
crazy i run into hookers a lot more
often than i thought it
would ever run into hookers just like
talk they just come up and
start talking to it and they
act normal and they don’t say that they’re a hooker you
think oh this girl’s talking to me
nice and then
suddenly she slips in and she’s a hooker and then
sneaky little hooker
think of the
world think the
world that you
travel in though you
travel in a very interesting
world i mean if you looked at
your life from any
other part of the
world you know
you take some guy from idaho and say hey i’m
gonna i’m gonna hang out with this guy what are you
gonna do today
well i’m gonna hang out
with this girl she’s a penthouse pet of the year we’re
gonna go to this porn awards party
and then we’re
gonna go to the improv
where there’s a naughty show and a
bunch of porn stars are
gonna go up
and then i’m
gonna hang out with some
stand up comedian friends of mine and we’re gonna
smoke a lot of pot
everybody what
the fuck is
this is your life i
wanna go this is
crazy man you wonder if i tag
along i should
go instead of
going to college i guess
yes then you
be out of work sort of do look into your life and
music how did i end up yeah
but that’s why there’s so many hookers in your life as
well i tell you
you’re traveling in strange circles definitely
hooker material
not there’s anything
wrong with being a hooker man
buddy mine was talking to me
about this thai massage
place that he goes to
and they give
you a real thai massage and then they jerk you off
and he talked
about it like
like it was the
greatest meal
you know like i
would talk to you
about like a certain
steakhouse that
knows exactly how to fucking cook a good
piece of meat
when you cut
into that medium rare and the outside is just crispy
but the inside is
juicy and delicious and warm and the fucking
blood from the meat just fires up your synapses
that’s how this guy talked
about getting jerked off by this thai lady
he was talking
about like it’s the most amazing thing
he goes somebody told me to go to this
place i didn’t
think you know like that it was that kind of
place cause it looked like a real place
and he goes and i go in there
i’m going well obviously i’m not
gonna pull my
pants down because this is a legit
place i’m getting a real massage
like they’re giving them a real massage
they’re stretching them out
they’re rubbing them down
elbows in muscles loosening all that
things like i’m getting
legit massages
no way the same
broads jerking me off
and then at the end
after like 40 minutes of that she’s like
so does that
feel good to you and he’s like get the fuck out of here
this is a fantasy
she starts rubbing his leg yeah
you know do you want
anything more do you want anything more and the next
thing you know she glances over his dick and
he arches his back towards her hand as she
glances over his dick and then she just gets that the
green light
she gets a hold of it pulls out the lotion
starts rubbing his balls jerks them off bam done
it’s like 40 bucks
wow i’ve got
holy shit chick turned to me i was just
you know she’s
gonna ask you if you want to you know
extra parts because a lot of them have
you charge more
you know like so
she looks me she goes
leans in and goes
do you want me to make
banana cry whoa oh
what do you fucking say to me
banana feels bad
about himself just being in here banana cry
so she offered yeah
offered banana cry
and you said no
well you know
since having
yeah my daughter sort of
spoiled me for a lot of fucking
yeah porn right
a little bit
yeah me a lot
strip clubs porn all that
should be said
anymore no it’s not i mean it used to be
it used to be a lot of
time i’d be there before you have
babies you look at them
and i used to look at them as
this is a really hot
check like wow look at that body look at that ass
now i go why is she dancing probably
cause her dad
didn’t love him
yeah and i’m
gonna love my
daughter fuck i’m
gonna be a better dad
yeah i’m trying
also yeah you really seem
and also the germ factor and shit too like
these chicks
are rubbing up on fucking all
these dudes i can’t
when i go to a
if they try to put you in a comedy condo
i would start
i won’t allow it because i
start thinking
about fucking mark curry
rub one out on the couch
mark curry why mark
are you hanging with mr cool dude
and you look at the lineup and
you go oh my god that guy was fucking here mark curry
would be the
least my worst
he’s a cool dude
yeah no i love mark
curry but i’m just using his
example of somebody just
randomly in i
would go with
barry diamond
barry diamond just
loads all over the
couch applying
tanning cream
he didn’t have a
what’s this dark fucking mahogany looking dick
cause he never he
never has lotion and so he has to use tanning lotion
and he just says orange his dick is like a giant carrot
oompa loompa orange like a really dirty carrot
dirty carrot
yeah there’s always that one dude
that you know i’m
surprised there’s not
more comedy porno i
think i know
there is some of it but i don’t know how many people
wanna watch it but i’m surprised
like comics
mixed comedy and porno together yeah
well you know what’s his face
thomas ward who does a fantastic
bill cosby bill cosby
was in a couple of porns
right cosby type
where he didn’t
bang anybody but you know
he does his
acting in the
background thomas
ward is another one man i got that guy
introduced that guy to my manager
many many years ago
because i was
like this kid has got something he’s like real raw
and he’s got a good way of looking at
things and he’s fucking just a natural on stage
but for whatever reason
just happened
didn’t didn’t
click with him yeah
you know colleges
so goddamn tricky yeah
you know it’s like you picked the
wrong wave you’re not in the
right mindset
you know you’re not
you can never really get your life in
order whatever the fuck it is that
keeps you from getting it right
there’s a lot of guys that we know
you know holtzman’s name
comes up all the time yeah but it’s like you’re just
allowing yourself not to get distracted
just staying on
point you know
holzman’s kind of job that he works i
think he was a
mechanic for
aircraft at some point
yeah and so he’s got all these
other life distractions and you got to be fucking on it
if you wanna go get something you
gotta be on it 100
and that’s it and i
think these guys are half ass
and if they got themselves to a position of comfort
see that’s what happens with any sort of fucking
dream is you get yourself to a
point you’re like oh you
start sacrificing
it by compromising and you go oh i don’t really need
fucking that
i’m happy with this and you get just richard
reach the point
where you settled
you know you don’t give a shit anymore
so just like i’m cool with this this is a
great life right here
i can just fucking stop trying and i got this and
that’s totally what i did man yeah when i was on news
radio did i i didn’t
write anything
and here’s one reason one of the
things that turned it around
i did sets and when i
would do these sets i would
basically do the same
fucking material
that i had had for years and years and years before
i would just go up on the weekends because it was
easy because it was something to do you know i
had this tv show
so i was doing the tv show all the time in the weekends
i’d only been
in la a year i didn’t really know that many people so
my social life was
going to the comedy clubs
so i would go up and i
would just do
the same act pretty much just over and over and over
again nobody knew who i was
i didn’t have any responsibility i didn’t have
any fans i had no responsibility to give them new shit
and i lost my feeling for it
like it wasn’t real anymore to me
i wasn’t in the comedy
mode for real
because i was just reiterating the same shit
and a few writers from the tv
show from newsradio came to see me at the comedy store
and i had a really late night set
it was really late
night in the main room
when you have
those late nights at the main room
the energy just gets sucked out of the room
where there’s nothing
and i went on like next to last and i ate a dick
i just was i felt like
while i was saying it that what i was saying was
stupid and it just felt
empty to me i could feel
reciting the words yeah i
could feel them feeling bad for me
i could feel them
judging me and not liking what they see i just did not
have it i just wasn’t in the groove and then i realized
i’m like slacking like i’m not really
writing i’m not really performing i’m putting any
effort into it for over a year
for maybe it
might have been two years
over a year at
least i just
would go up and do the same fucking
tired shit over and over again
but that bad set
made me completely refocus and then like within a year
i did my first cd
because i just
started going
crazy then i
would go to
stand up i would do it
every night i was doing it every
night i was doing it at the la factory and the improv
and i was just trying to get in as many sets as i
could and write as much new shit as i
could i just realized like you can’t
just keep doing this anymore at some
point that goes off and then you’re just trying to
i also try to
work new stuff in constantly
i’m always adding just little
chunks here and there
not even a whole
new bit but just adding to the old shit that i have
right and always growing and
evolving that’s
why i have a hard time putting out bits too quickly
like if you do something and then you know
you put it out you put out like a dvd
and the next year you want to do another one like louis
ck’s doing which is
you know really
super ambitious but in my
like what’s in my career like the
things that
i’ve done they’ve always gotten way way way better
as i kept doing them like over a long period of time
and sort of completely
tweaked them
and got them to the
place where
you know i have just the
right punch lines in the
right places the
right setup
the right think
about the right
material to do before you do it you know yeah i got an
album that i just put out and
i felt exactly the same way when i locked it
you’re like oh shit
and a couple
jokes i’m trying just not to do any of that
stuff anymore so i won’t feel bad
about it right and just put it away
but yeah once i do it yeah i
think that’s how you have to do it
bill bird on this
bill bird does that
what does he do he once he does it on tv or on an
album it goes bye bye
and just starts
fresh well that’s the louis cqa
too that’s what
louis’s doing
you know and i think
i think you have to do that
if you really want
to keep moving there’s no way you can just do the same
thing for it i’ll do a few bits of
people call them out like when i do a q amp a sometimes
especially for
about a couple of cocktails
and i’m prey on it but
you know that’s
the hardest
part of our comedy is just to keep that momentum
going and keep finding out new and interesting
things to talk about
yeah you know
now it’s tough
to you know just let
go no way if
it’s so hard to stay
like grow attached to some bits to yeah
yeah man there’s
some good one i
fucking love
my bit about
tigers fucking
i used to love doing it
i still love
everything about it was my my favorite bit of all time
but like all of them
put those bitches aside
there’s gotta be shit
sorry make the
tough decision
put it behind you
we’re talking
about how bill bird just
every single time he does something on tv
or on an album goes
gone just because
starts fresh
completely yeah
that’s the that’s the george carlin way
you know george carlin
style of doing comedy louis ck
adopted it and bill burrs pretty much doing it too
you know it’s the way to do it
just keep him keep
pounding out shit
just very hard to do when you’re doing
other things as well yeah that’s what we’re talking
about earlier
when you do a
tv show and you’re working a lot
and then cranking out i mean it’s hard to you
gotta sleep
and shit too
yeah would you recommend comedy to people like
if your child wants to be a comic
would you say hey
i would recommend comedy
or would you
scare people away it’s hard my son was already
asked what he
wants to be when he grows up and he looked at
a group of people and he goes
i just want to tell jokes
why wouldn’t you recommend one of the
great jobs of all time
i mean i get to write i’ve written for a couple of
other people you know and just i have a great time just
doing what i’m doing you
seem to think that you wouldn’t brian
you know what you’re saying well
i don’t know if i
would or wouldn’t
i do see just being in it how competitive
it is and how it really is hard to get to a certain
point of where you can survive
like higher up than
the normal comic
there’s so many really good
comics but they seem like they all get to a certain
level and then they kind of balance off you
know where yeah they’re making
money and stuff but a lot of them are
still kind of struggling here and there
but it seems like it’s really hard to get to the next
level where you’re just like
you know use the baseball
analogy or any pro football or anything like that any
sporting thing
is like you know certain amount of people get just
certain distance in the you know there’s
levels of professional
and people just
climb up that
level of professional
there’s a lot of different
things to think
about because it’s not just being a comedian
and being funny it’s also the
marketing of yourself
which is very
alien from the creative aspect of
stand up comedy
so it’s real tricky
like what gets you to the next
levels a lot of times
has nothing to do with your proficiency as a comedian
right you know there’s a lot of comedians
that we know of that you know they’re really good
they’re really
solid but for whatever reason they
never enter into the oh you’re talking
about brian
holzman yeah
for example the zeitgeist
never accepts them for whatever reason nothing
you know they
never figure out how to get
promoted correctly
and also they
sabotage your own career i mean
did you hear i remember i don’t even know if i have the
story right but holtzman
jumping in martin lawrence came in the audience and
holtzman had people there to see him it was a big deal
and he was finally
gonna get a shot
and then martin lawrence’s
bouncer came in and said something and yeah i guess
holzman just
looks and says fuck it and just jumps in and
i guess the
bouncer just knocks him
right out and fucking
flattens him
right in front of all
these people yeah
i think what was was martin lawrence was
heckling yeah
wow and brian
holzman was on
stage and martin lawrence was
heckling and martin lawrence went offstage and was good
saying ladies gentlemen this is martin lawrence can
you believe this i’m getting hecked by martin lawrence
and the bouncer gets up and
punches him are you
serious serious yeah
he can’t too
close to like
that yeah he has
stuff like that happens that
sucks i wish
tom leto would have
taken off if he had been around
agents and managers and
stuff too that’s the
other thing about the
store no one’s
going there to hang out because they have to pay
if you go to the improv
everybody gets in free
managers agents they’re all hanging out there
it used to be an
issue to try to get people to come and
put them on the list to come see people
you know it’d be hard people couldn’t just
you know couldn’t show
up hey a mic from ibm can we come in and see the show
yeah sure 20
bucks each bitch
when you’re saying
about the marketing
thing it’s also it’s
that book that
malcolm gladwell book the outliers you ever see that
where it’s very good
but it talks
about people not being able to express themselves like
there was a story of a
genius this kid was just i mean he went to iowa
state but his mom didn’t turn in his
paperwork they were just sort
of dumb about
speaking to people
and this kid was there and didn’t go talk to anybody
clearly they wanted him at the
school and what are
gonna keep him at the school
all he had to do was know to go and talk to somebody or
like people are just
socially unable
and how he didn’t talk
to anybody so
school and he
does you know he’s a manager somewhere does
this kid has
the guy has the man has the highest iq
almost imaginable
well there was some guy that got tested
for the highest iq ever
in america and he was a
bouncer he was a
bouncer in long island or something like that
and it was really
weird man cause he was
like really kind of full of himself a bit and like we
would talk about
things he would talk
about things like really pompous
and you’re just
gonna go hey back the fuck up you’re a
bouncer dude like
if you’re so
smart and fucking
smug about everything
what are you out there
swimming in the
human condition
every day as a bouncer
getting to know the dark side of humanity
are you a fucking charles bukowski poet type character
or are you the
smartest man in the
world cause something there’s a
disconnect there fella
you know you’re living
life like a dummy
not not that
bouncers are
dummies i know a lot of guys that are
bouncers like him and
they guys good job
a lot of power and
bouncers yeah you get
power and you do don’t do shit
yeah but i mean why
would you do that if you’re a fucking
super genius and you’re like
forty all right you know it’s not like he’s some
twenty year old kid paying for his college education
need some money on the weekends no
fucking forty year old
genius character working as a
bouncer okay
his services
should be used
elsewhere totally like if he’s that fucking
smart like that’s getting working on
your socially there’s the needs
social intelligence
needs to be
factored into the
whole idea of intelligence
you know your iq does not include your ability to
fucking maneuver around
human beings that’s exactly what they’re talking
about and then a
similar kid with a big upgrade you know
really wealthy upbringing that had the same iq
went you know that many times further
in his life and became just great
you know i had a friend
when i was living in new york who was a pool hustler
and he was a brilliant guy
not just socially he’s like he had
a brilliant mathematical mind as well but he was the
first guy that i had ever met socially
that would look for traits
in someone look for
things that people are doing look for ego things
he could do
impressions of people like really good
impressions of them they
wouldn’t sound like the person but it
would be exactly the type of shit that that person
would say because he’s always
analyzing people’s
personalities and looking for weaknesses
i did not know
until i met
this guy that people were out there that did that that
would look for a weakness
in your game look for weakness in how you talk
look for a weakness in how you behave
and then they find that little spot and that’s
where they start picking you
start picking on whatever got you to say that in the
first place
whatever got you to
stand up for
yourself whatever got you to make an excuse
about something that happened
yeah it was kind of sick that day normally that
would never go
down like that oh really yeah normally you’re the best
right the best ever
like you would just find the spot find whatever it was
and just start picking
his opportunity
yeah they’re out there man fuck yeah they’re
out there man but that’s a lot of what comedy is too
it’s finding that little that little spot
seeing that little
thing that other people
might not have saw
now it’s and then also
getting that out and reflecting that in a creative way
that it has not really been done before
you don’t want to
fucking go regurgitate some of the old yeah
tired shit i know so it
it’s also like there’s a couple rules in
place where not only have you had that thought and
found that opportunity but now you’ve
got to put this through this filtering process to
determine whether
or not it’s okay to fucking make it up on stage
and then there’s the saying it the right way and
you know figuring out the best
economy of words
there’s like a lyrical aspect to it at that
point so now you’re fucking
putting shit together like
you know i try to do that a lot
in my act when i’m talking about actually
tell that whole banana cry story
on stage as a bit
and leading into it and i said this by
the way i don’t believe that you didn’t get jerked off
just want you to know i love you but
i’m maria keep saying what you said you don’t have
to say anything keep going
okay go ahead so
the banana cry
lady i goes this is not the
first time i
found myself in english as the
second language sexy talk situation
you know and so i say shit like that so this
has to come out like it can
be lyrical at the same time you can use alliteration
and fuck around with it from there so then you
gotta put it through all
these steps and then it finally makes it out
and that’s why they’re
tough to give up
yeah i know
they’re like
babies hard yeah
they like your
babies man so
when she get good at them and get them all tight
and you know exactly how to hit them and they have all
these fucking
punch lines one
after the other
bang bang bang bang bang bang
you know that was the boston
style of comedy to boston
the the best guys for whatever reason
didn’t really
write new material
they just had a gang of
stuff that was
so devastating
yeah like if you want there’s
still guys like
that you just go out and just they’re just
crushing yeah
yeah there’s guys like that
it’s hard to do now though
because of the internet it’s just not the same thing
you know when people and
these guys didn’t have cds out so
people couldn’t go and replay
their bits you had to go see it again
you know you couldn’t play it over and over
again so it’s like you know you know the
exact timing for when the
punch line comes and yeah it’s not like that
people are still
going out though i mean yeah
comedy still the most fun
thing for me to go see
you know if i know that stanhope’s
gonna perform or you know
the louis ck’s in
town or you know nick apollo or someone that i really
think is really
funny i fucking have a great time
still the most fun
thing to see who were you saying last
night was at the hollywood impromptu
oh stan hope was there
david tell ron white
nick swartz and doug benson
how great is that
it was just like
never ending
in a lineup
and it’s also just a fun hang
to it that place is
great man that’s the difference between that
place in the
store like i
never realized that there’s managers that were actually
happy to see you there and well and
thankful can we get you a
water you want to
drink did you like something
are you hungry do you want to eat they got a menu in
their hand they have good food there
great burgers
and shit everyone’s friendly the wait
staff’s friendly the bartenders friendly
there’s a bar
where everybody sits down has
a good time at the bar and then there’s a back showroom
eddie the bartenders are also the
eddie’s a fucking gem devo
yeah they’re great
great i’ve been to the
south nationals down the
street sal’s
coming home no i want to go to there that’s a
stop by sometimes
sal a listener do you know we’re in contact
we’ll get you in there no yeah
we’ll get you in there
we did it sunday
night it was fucking awesome man
just talked
about it on twitter sunday
place was a real
small place only
seats like 70 at the mall
right now but they’re also
have two more showrooms
they’ve got a
whole back area that’s gigantic they’re
gonna blow out and
build this huge 300
seat room back there it’s like 300 seats
well there’s two rooms i
think they’re gonna
split it i think he
should just
build one huge room i don’t
know yeah i
think so too
why not they keep the
small room in the
front and then make a big one but i
guess he’s doing like an improv
room of like
80 and then a bigger room
150 or something like that
improv like
like improv
like that shit like give me a
topic that kind of shit
well kind of like the
like you know like the side room at the improv
where ari does his show you know i mean like
like a workout improv
i don’t know hmm
well hey maybe not
maybe maybe do it look the comedy
store was three rooms
yeah forever
you know this guy can actually pull off
three rooms in that spot
he’s got the perfect attitude he’s like
you know sounds like one of
those guys that you hope
would come along
and open up a comedy club a
guy who really loves comedy he’s a really fun guy
and he’s willing to take some chance and
he has business
sense as well yeah
he’s exactly what he’s doing
yeah and he bought this place and
right now it’s got a
front area where there’s a bar
and a bunch of seats and that’s
where we perform sunday
where there’s a back area this is like old
school bakery
and it’s been a bakery like forever
apparently he’s gonna
take over that and what was it before the bakery
diana cafe it’s a
cafe with a big yell awning it’s
still says vienna cafe it doesn’t say sal’s common
he’s like trying to like
you know like vienna cafe oh it
doesn’t exist anymore but come on we got a show
here yeah they’re trying to
phase it in slowly he was telling me
he was telling a funny stanhope bit earth
story last night when he had
a club in new york
he everyone was trying to get into his club like all
these really good
comics and he wanted stan
hope so he called doug up or something
like that was like hey you know i’d really like
you to come to my club and doug’s like i don’t do club
sorry and then
sounds like well just you know ask around
first before you say no because it’s i
think you would like my place
so doug calls back and goes out everyone’s saying
great things i’ll go there
and so he became
became friends with stanhope and then he had like a
party to watch like
a boxing match at his
house like his apartment
and he’s like
doug you know if you want to come over and
watch the boxing game come over
so doug invited the
whole entire club to come to
sal’s house
and he just said there like 40 people were climbing
over his fence and just fucking
drinking all his beers and
can you imagine
inviting a whole club to somebody’s
house that’s
kinda douchey
with stanhope
drunk yes of course
is that a real
question that isn’t a real question that isn’t
that’s funny
yeah and after that he’s
still in a comedy
right dude’s a glutton for punishment
i know this
i’m sorry but
price pull up to
ted williams the golden
voice a homeless man
right and this guy
is like was a junkie
yeah and now they’re giving him all this
money yeah yeah cause he’s
gonna fucking god
it’s some he was on dr phil and i
guess he’s about to
check himself into rehab or he did
check himself into rehab because
of the dr phil show
but dr phil brought up the whole
point of where like
that he used to
steal cars and
so horrible
dude like he’s yeah the
great voice it’s not not like the innocent
cry baby guy that you
first you want
more homeless man
fucking know this guy’s
criminal and
fucking you
just gave him
and now he’s
gonna become
famous do you
think he’s getting pussy yet
internet pussy
um i hope not
he sort of looks like
matt you remember when
mcdonald’s had that moon
man commercial or it was like a moon face
jack the night
what was that i remember it it was
mac tonight
mac tonight wow mac tonight
pull that up
i gotta look at that now
mac tonight
was when mcdonald’s had some moon
headed man wearing a suit
well i don’t remember that
at all he looks exactly like that
and the homeless guy did
so he goes on dr phil
and he tells them that he
stole cars and all kinds of
other shit while he’s doing drugs is that what he said
yeah yeah what
he first said that he
like dr phil brought up the fact that he
hold on i’ll tell you exactly what it was
where is it
he for people who don’t know there’s a guy and
if you haven’t
heard the story
there was a guy that was
standing on
the side of a road and he had a sign that said you
know will use my golden
voice for you know god gave me a voice and
give me a dollar
you know whatever the fuck it is
so this guy
does this impression of like a morning dj on a
television show
or a radio show and it’s amazing
it’s like a really good
radio voice like that perfect fake
radio voice
yeah and it feels it seems
weird coming out of a
out of a homeless guy and he’s got like you know a
bunch of shit plan that he can say like that and so
this became an internet
thing it got huge and then from it
this guy gets a
bunch of different job offers so now he’s on
dr phil and so what happened
dr phil sits down with him and discusses
all the challenges he had in his life and
he first denied the incident in
which dr phil
was a of violent behavior public urination
stealing customers cars at a tire
store in ohio
and all this
other crap then later
in the interview
the guy finally
admits that he did all
those things
and then um
the next first he lied
first he lied
so he’s still
lying still he’s
still doing the
lying thing and then he
admitted it
later after dr phil probably owned them or something
wow and then i
supposedly he will appear
again on dr phil
accompanied by his ex wife and he has five kids
wow oh i’m happy the kids got
money with this kids not
well you hope the kids got
money and i
guess supposedly that the the wife and kids
are worried that he’s
he’s gonna relapse and then
later in the interview or whatever
they say that he’s
gonna go in her rehab on thursday
so we already realized this
today yeah well
he probably got some
cash and went
straight to the bar why not
yeah this is
a homeless guy
and then you shower and straight to the bar
joe do you remember this
you probably
don’t remember this commercial but this is who
al says that he looks like this old
he’s a chin
on this old guy
i see it but i don’t
remember it at all it was a big campaign
what was this
2007 that can’t be 2007
there’s no way
that was four years ago bitches
oh wait here’s a 1989
i’m talking about yeah that’s that’s a freak you
that was a new revenge
i don’t see what the fuck you guys are talking
about that’s a guy with a moon head
since this guy is big fucking head that’s
ridiculous i’m saying
that is the funniest shit out
okay moon face moon face
even more than a jay leno you know
i met that antoine dodson dude he’s the dude who his
house got broken into yeah
so what hide your kids
hide your wife yeah
that guy is like doing all kinds of shit now
dude that song is good yeah that
song is legitimately good the antoine
looks like you’re bent over
antoine johnson song is
legitimately good yeah it really is yeah it’s um
i mean it’s amazing though how
these things can can become viral like this
he bought his mama
house from the proceeds
he i guess they split the money fifty fifty and antoine
got a lot of money but his mama’s
that’s incredible from a
viral video done from the local and he’s doing a
bunch of other shit he did some shit for the
ufc he was on george lopez i saw that yeah
he’s doing like ads and shit now
it’s crazy man
internet celebrity is like a real thing
it’s made a couple of comics i mean
it really has i met
bo burnham the other night yeah that kid
did you see this joe
the hide your kids hide your wife dog
what is that on twitter is that what it is yeah yeah
anyway i met that bo burnham kid
you know i just saw him on paul revenge’s show the
green room yeah yeah yeah i was on
i was on the one after it and
and i was there and i was
we were talking and me and
eddie ift were talking and one of the
things that this kid
was saying was that he never had to like struggle
he never went out and did like the shitty one
nighters he
never went famous on youtube he was like bam
right away famous doing big shows yep
that’s pretty crazy man
yep yeah that’s a new thing man
who was the first internet celebrity like going back
justin bieber’s like the best
one right no no i mean first like ten years
first 15 years ago like was there an aol
celebrity back in the day well when youtube
first started was the history of the
dance guy became one of the ones that was the
first youtube sensation really to
start commanding high dollar
right for the
goatsy guy was the from most famous guy on the internet
the go to guy yeah
his but i wonder who that guy is i mean you know that
it’s a guy who’s he’s got his butthole
face in the camera is wearing a wedding ring
and he’s stretching his asshole out
like pulling it like it’s rubber
yeah it depends
peering into the darkness into the event
horizon of his butthole
and it’s you
know an internet meme it’s been on a million different
things it’s all over the place yeah
people make
photoshops of it in in
cloud patterns and shit it’ll make your banana cry
but no seriously if you think of like the first real
legit celebrity that was made off of the internet it’s
tequila it’s pretty yeah
tequila is a perfect one
she’s straight you know
just right from the internet nothing but right
you’ve got mail she actually
might have been the first no no no there has to i mean
you’re talking about like
seven years ago i’m talking
about like the internet came out a long ass time
right but there was no one like tequila
tequila that made
their way into the public and became well we
never had a video
like that before
and social networks yeah i’m just
thinking about the internet had
was always a spot for celebrity
to go like i used to look up
like some of the celebrities have
brothers and shit like that and there’s like rickie
leach revolta
john travolta’s brother
and so he has
a website and i was like there was a lot of
funny shit on it
back then but
nothing like there is now with the content and the
audio there’s a
sound you can go to
soundcloud and youtube i mean
people are putting up nobody had the devices
either nobody had flip
video cameras and so
there’s a whole new
age of when you introduce the
small camera that’s one
and easy to upload with the uc
usb connector might
just right in immediately hd
phones and so
you didn’t have to have that
technology available
to just a regular guy so now that they
it’s easier to launch a login
video and look how
when she goes
viral i mean a lot of people are talking about
the voice yeah yeah
and antoine thompson
that’s a lot of fucking
money to buy your mama
house i don’t care if it’s in alabama
well yeah it was really
because of that song
those guys who created that
that auto tune song
guys are very talented musicians
sure and then
just auto tune i mean auto tunes fucking hilarious
every time yeah you
heard carl sagan’s auto tune
no but have you
heard that the
i think it’s the woo woo
song it’s a
local news in
san francisco and
they i guess
people are putting
these mufflers on
oh yeah woo woo
yeah and they go down and it’s
local news auto tune for that so that’s hilarious
it’s all anything auto
tuning the news is funny
yeah can’t deny
it i think garageband’s pretty amazing too
the program
where you can pretty much
make your own song
pretty easily
don’t they have programs like that for your phone now
oh yeah yeah
absolutely absolutely
like there was i don’t know if we ever talked
about there was this
back in the day in myspace somebody linked
one of my songs on their
myspace page and like
stole it from my web host
so like when he went to the myspace page it
automatically played a song from your show from myself
so i what i did is i took
that file took it down
and then made up a
quick song and garage band
about like oh
stacy from you
know hollywood california
i want you to suck my dick and made a
whole song just
about how i wanted to fuck this girl and
stuff like that
and i replaced that song
that file with the original file
so that when people went to her myspace page it just
started playing that song that’s
great yeah and
i just love i don’t know how
i even thought
about that but
it’s pretty
funny video
that’s funny when you
do that with hot linking and
speaking of myspace i think
yesterday went officially really just downsize
yeah they shut off germany
my space germany
is dead somebody
tweeted me myspace cut all
their employees like
three months ago
like half of
their employees they cut
jordan they just did it
again jordy yeah jordy was with and now is
lucky night
he’s worth comedy
central but right
they yeah he was working with
myspace comedy was thriving i’m sure you did one of
those secret shows did you yeah i did one of
those secret shows i’m thinking
about deleting my myspace live on the air
what do you think
should do it if
they’re gonna cut
shadow and rune
you know it’s
funny how we did it with i think
forget who we did it with like jason
tebow or something like that somebody deleted
their myspace the
other day live on air
on an old on podcast
jesus christ
i can’t even come up with one original idea and
but watch how many steps it is it’s pretty hilarious
it was ari ari did it and
it was like
three steps like
they make it really hard like are you sure you yeah
are you still have people on it trying to talk to you
very very very very few
almost all of it is just mine’s
completely dead as well yeah
you wanna go in and mine
you should mine down also with a dual
yeah dual one i paid some money to have mine
tricked out to at one point
yeah did you have glitter tags
i don’t know what he did it seems like you
would probably
he’s a fadian mom just i can even say it
yeah so if you want to delete your myspace now too
and we could have a double myspace and i’m
gonna keep mine they hide this
motherfucker it’s not easy
i don’t even know where to go
um here i’ll tell you guys where to go hold on um
more delete
my space i can’t even tell
i don’t even know if i know my family yeah
it’s time to let it go you know what i mean it’s like
that girl that you
dated 10 years ago and her
phone number is
still in your book
throw that shit out son move on
it’s in your book listen to me your book who has a
phone book anymore
phone books are
worth nothing
fuck you and your
phone book i want to
write it on
paper like some caveman
they’re good for
standing on
yeah why don’t you just give me some
burnt sticks
and i’ll use it to carve the fucking numbers on a rock
how to delete
did you do it
and now i can’t even
figure it out
there we go
there you go
all right if you decided to delete my
space what you do is
more you go to my account and then
where’s my account
it’s under more my
stuff my stuff
account settings
right here account settings
and then you looks different
i have to give him that yeah it looks different
it doesn’t look
better that logo
is some case
should we give him a
chance now that they redesigned
everything now damn ow
we committed
to this bro
are you sure
we’ve committed to this man we’re
gonna change
everything in here it looks
it’s all white
the logos remember
those bad settings remember the
constantly had
those horrible
fucking ads really cancel account here we go
you know try
i don’t want to
smiley face or something
brian it’s not just cancel account
right it’s deleted i want to delete
that no you want to cancel account where’s it
canceling yeah we’re
sorry you want to
leave please let us know why
to say cause you
can really help us improve myspace
there’s not an it’s over
bitch option
there’s board spam
privacy and
email i’m gonna go with spam
just the one
thing that annoyed me
where is it joe
where’s the cancel cancel account
under settings
under settings you
go under account settings and privacy
cancellation comments
thanks for the love and the last but it’s over bitches
it’s not down there
yeah oh there we go privacy
but it’s they do hide it they hide it
below the fold yeah
and then just gotta keep on scrolling down over bitches
and you know what’s even pissing me off cancel account
hose it’s over my request has been sent
you will receive an email shortly with instructions
for confirming that you has
to cancel yeah
why won’t you just let me
walk away see that’s what they’re doing a divorce
now you have to go to your
email and click on a link
mm hmm it’s
like a divorce so do it now because they don’t want
to they want to pretend they have more people on my
space board
spam to a joke
continue it
okay finish him
you know what sucks is that facebook just
today has forced
their new profile on all the facebook
book accounts what is
their new profile
really how come because
when you go to facebook at
least how do i do it
the first thing i like
to do is like hmm is this person single is this you
know look at
their photos
now they’ve hidden like
this single part and it’s just like this really shitty
like it reminds me of a myspace they’ve
moved it all around and now it’s just
oh you can change
over there’s actually companies that do that
somebody just
hit me up from our company to customize my
my facebook page
to make it look all
tricked down yeah
well now that they used to let you
go back that’s what we talked
about having to have a
marketing degree to be a good
stand up comic
right i try i got two kids i work on them
you know like
i really i told you
about my situation you have a website though
you have a website
that’s all you
gotta do is keep
doing what you’re doing i’m in
touch if somebody
emails me i’ll
definitely get back to the twitter by the way is al
mandragoal a l
m a d r i g h
exciting stuff happening but you
should say it
mother go especially
if you go on before willie barcena
you don’t even say your own name right bro
how many followers do you have
closing on 3000
not too many
we’re gonna blow that out of the
water today yes
monitor here i can’t
we’re gonna jump you up to five thousand
you fucker how has been can really you got that kind of
reach that i
could just jump
two thousand
eight hundred and
thirty five
you know what if i get
people to sign on i will i’m
funny guy i’ll
start putting
funny shit out there i’m at war with my neighbors
right now are you really yeah what’s going on
well i just
i’m surrounded by old people and i’m surrounded by
these three guys this isn’t
a bit this is real
three guys named phil
like old fill
really old fill
and then filipino fill
that’s how i like
filipino fill is my ally
which one makes your banana cry no one
the other guys are it’s the new
complaining banana cry yeah it’s
gonna be the new
thing do you want me to make
your banana cry
see you talk
about this on
stage yeah i
gotta see the bit
so anyway i’m
sorry so i’m surrounded by old people and
it’s eagle rock it’s an
upcoming neighborhood
still and there’s
a lot of cool people that live near me
but at the same time i was just surrounded by
old people that are in my business i went on my roof to
clean up my gutters
and it’s like they all assembled
below me where like i was conducting some
double arp meeting
and they’re all in my business and
at one point
i had three cars i
still have three cars
right now and
then i have i got gm was nice enough to get me a
buick enclave
right the holiday and let me use that
it’s just like perk through the
pr department
and this thing is awesome and i
it really is fucking an incredible vehicle
anyway so that shows up so i have four
cars and the old people are stopped by constant lingo
do you feel it’s economical to have
three vehicles
and i can’t help but
just fuck with them
and hate them wait a
minute they
ask you they all have people in my shit constantly
about my hedges
my i mean and there’s a guy old guy walks his dog by my
house every fucking day and is so in my business
like it’s stop if i even show my head he’ll stop and
start asking a million fucking questions
and so you live up here in this community
where it’s nice and there’s not i mean
your neighbors aren’t on you
i have neighbors just on my ass that sucks dude
i’m so not into that yeah no i don’t even like this
i lived in the woods for
three months
when i lived in colorado
it was the perfect
place for me oh
when i was driving up it was like this is how you do it
i have old people on my shed
and then also you
know it’s sort of a little gangy
ish sometimes so
like somebody will ride a mini
truck will go
you know down the street
and you have that guy like driving by with
really fast you
worry about that with your kids the gang you part
well it’s not
it’s gang adjacent
it’s not really gang
adjacent it’s not
right in the shit
but it’s close
enough where it’s
gonna become an
issue in their life if they
walk on well yeah
you can definitely
stumble down to the
wrong area and just get
anywhere you can get caught at the
wrong time but here it’s highly unlikely
you know i mean
i have a more realistic chance of running into
some bad people in my neighborhood
yeah hmm and yeah i worry
about my wife being
alone when i go to
stand up and shit like that all the time yeah
yeah i know that feeling
and even with
household shit if anything
breaks you know we’ve had
stuff where i’ve been on the road doing
stand up i travel all over
just like not as much but
i go out a fair amount
and yeah my wife’s home with two kids and luckily
you know we got filipino
frank there
so tell me how what’s your issues with
your war oh let’s try to come and trim my shit like
you know how you have
hedges yeah my dog was running out and barking the
other day and my neighbor was
secretly trying to trim my fucking hedge
why was he trimming your head just
old and drunk and
crazy like just wasted
did you talk to him
no i they put it brought over a letter see
that’s what i’m talking
about i feel
crazy about this i’m like you want a war
i’ll bring you war
god i didn’t say that but
that’s how i feel
i like they will get all pissed been out of
shape if i’m
not talking to a neighbor for two years because
over parking
we had construction people over our
house and the
latino guys parked there
and he came running back to the old guy
and fucking
started yelling at the
latino guys to move
their car it’s a public street
anybody can fucking park there i’m at war
yeah i won’t even talk to the fucking guys
suburban war
really is people
claim their
turf and the real
issue is people are not supposed
to be on top of each other like
they really
this is nothing compared to
apartments man
apartments are where it’s really bright on top of each
other i had an
apartment in north hollywood
where i had a pool table
okay and i lived on the second
floor and there was this
crazy gay couple that lives in the
first floor and he was like the landlord to
the what is it called the the
super intent
so you know he was always
controlling things and
he didn’t own the building but he ran it
so i had a pool table
installed in my living room i had a big living room
and the reason
why i got this big living room was because i
could get a pool
table i wanted a pool
table in the living room
so i had installed then he comes
knocking on the door
what’s going on in there there’s
a lot of movement there’s a lot of movement up here
and i go oh i got a pool
table he goes
are you jumping
around are you working out or something i go no no no
i’m just walking around the pool looking
for it look in as
he’s talking making shots
and he goes okay i’m
gonna have to ask you to not do that
when i’m home
because it’s
just like i’m in the living room and all i hear is
creek creek
creek creek
creek creek
and i’m like so you’re saying that because of the
structural instability of this shithead fucking
apartment building
you don’t want me walking
in my living room because it’s annoying
yeah i started
changing my wireless password
it’s cause they’re
right on top of you right
right so everybody in my so i
changed my wireless
now my network name
i can change
it to anything i want
right so i put like ouija
lawn yeah that’s
hilarious i
changed my network
and then they looked on and they were like hey
we link sis
or fucking weed
your lawn hey
hey hey son
of a bitch yeah quit
trimming my fucking hedges
oh that’s great i
like that that’s
funny they try to
steal off your fucking wireless yeah
yeah man that’s
creepy when you have neighborhoods man there’s always
that one kid that lives down the brock that’s gonna
steal your fucking shit when
you’re not looking yeah
it was someone has some
troubled 16 year old
troubled youth walking around always man
my friend of mine got his fucking bike stolen
some fucking kid down the
street i saw this kid
just walking up the
block just walking up
just you know just looking around not doing i was like
where’s that guy fucking
going you know
he’s walking up
right but he’s
first of all in la very few people without a dog
walking and i don’t have you know
chicks have lululemon
on or something like that and you know they’re
dressed in outfits
when you see just a lone fucking thug
it’s like seeing an ant
just away from the rest
of it so important to live in a nice spot
it’s really important to live in a
quiet spot just try to find a
quiet nice spot and that’s why so many people
go to the suburbs yeah like you go to
downtown cleveland it’s shut down there’s nothing there
every single
store is released
and shit like that i couldn’t find a department
store my wife
sometimes helps me pack
no underwear
so i go to buy
underwear in downtown cleveland
not a department
store no it’s like
walgreens or
brooks brothers that’s the only
scary little
things that they had
cleveland’s weird
yeah because everybody
moved out to a
quieter place
you know what it is yeah
what’s also
the jobs disappeared
right you know what happened with well
well plants got shut down or something yeah and detroit
you know people went south
went to columbus and cincinnati
because just i mean
cleveland used to be
the biggest
city in ohio
it used to be like the flats it used to be the
place to be
the cool part of ohio
now it’s scary they were
gonna impromp
down there that’s a real dump yeah
even one i think
they did it once
well they have
they just gave out so many passes they
completely ruined
the room that’s what a lot of comedy clubs
do is that just
the quality they’re just giving out passing
so you have
free passes
so the tickets are free so they’re selling booze
and the tickets have no
value a lot of
places believe that they’re in the liquor business not
the comedy business and they just want people inside
drinking so well
i see their
point man you gotta
keep the fucking
wolves away sure
you know it’s like for a lot of these
places like in the middle of nowhere it’s real hard and
a lot of the
comics that are getting
shipped down there are terrible yeah
how many times have you like been in a club
and you look at the lineup and be like what do you got
going on here
and you read
their calendar and you’re like oh shit jesus
fuck and you just imagine
these poor people having to come and sit and
watch this some kid told me a quote that
i was working with he said he was at a show
and this comic was so bad some old
black lady yells out
you’re ruining my free passes
oh my god that was the best talking with
thing that sums
everything else
hilarious you’re ruining my free passes
that’s hilarious i got this for free and i hate it
this is horrible
that’s so funny and that’s why a lot of
people get you know when you’re
a comedy promoter you do free beer
like there’s
always got to be something else that will justify
and i can move
yeah it’s a
tough fucking business man
any sort of bar restaurant business own a pool hall
anything like that night
night time business
those fucking
things are hard man
and when times are
tough like they are now
the economy gets shitty
and then it’s
becomes you know like then they really don’t want to
go out they want to take a chance to just go see comedy
you know if you know they know someone is
going to be there you know
bill burrs in town okay let’s go see
him you know i know who he is stan help has that joke
that he’s just
like how many people are
here to see me how many people are here to see comedy
and then half of them reply
and it’s like
don’t do that
with anything else you don’t goes roll into you know
yeah it’s also
you know i’ve said this before but i’ll say it again
the real problem is the generic
label comedy
it’s like you don’t go to see live
music in not knowing if you’re gonna get
barry manilow
or guns n roses or you know a rap band you
know but with comedy you
could get that
and you could get that on the same
night you can get
like five different comments can go out at the improv
and they all have five different
totally different acts and sure
yeah john reap
and eddie griffin
maybe yeah exactly
the polar opposites bob ozark
you know just these
drastic different
you know bob
ozark can’t call into the
store anymore
really yeah
they told him he’s too old why are you
serious but yet
then his want what’s his name
still can go there every day
he’s got his thing
wow yep yeah
that’s
a very funny comedy writer and a very
funny comedian i mean you just look him up he’s
incredible and also when you
sit and listen to guy like
that is a perfect talk about alliteration and the
story and i mean just
he’s a great character top notch yeah
he would be a great talk show host
he was i think for a while that’s when he
moved to florida and he was working on one of
those good morning shows as the what was he doing this
he moved away from la i’d say
three years ago really and once you go
you can type in bob o’shack on youtube and see
him as morning correspondent
wow and so that fell
apart and it was
a big gig and they just
moved back to los angeles yeah so bob
ozark in the morning or whatever do you have kids
yeah he has two kids
about the same age as mine you know in that
eight and four range
i can’t believe it tell him not to get spots
did he play david letterman in that old
movie about no no no but he always he has this look
about him like
where he really looks like a
young dave letterman you know
voted by oprah
to be one of the top
speaking of oprah
and we were talking
about that’s how we first met
over some old oprahs
watching well we did
stand up together and we went up to my house
just sat there baked
11 years ago
watching old oprah footage yeah we were doing bong hits
in al magical’s couch
watching oprah from like the 80s
when she had big hair and shit do you
think she’s rich
or did she have plastic surgery what’s happening
right now why
just sitting there
and i think there were people around us
but me and you were just sitting
watching the
opera like there was a little
bit of a gathering and people were talking is your
brother and i
think you’re your wife
before she was your wife and
some other but
one other person
a couple of people and she
would just go
completely focused on this old oprah
and we were barbecued
and you know how when something you barbecued something
like all of a
sudden like
why have i never seen it like this before
it was so strange it was like we were
watching like an alien film
it didn’t even look real anyway o shak
was on oprah
and touted as one of the next
great communities
and nobody knows comedy like that bitch
it’s what a whole new network’s
about watch out comedy central yeah own girl
yeah it’s like the white version of def jam what
so nothing on
those shacks you find
we don’t have to pull them over it
doesn’t matter that’s
right it’s just another one of those stories
you know there’s another story it’s
been the interesting thing about being
a comedian and living in la is watching
the whole story of
humanity unfold for many different
people and many different players and they all just you
know they take
their part in
the game and they all go through it and you get to
watch them and
a lot of them you get to
learn from too just
learn from their fuck ups and
learn from them you
can sort of pick
the path that you want to go it’s like choose your own
adventures like am i
gonna be like that dude
or am i gonna end up like that dude
and then you get to go
am i gonna go into the cave am i
gonna choose to go to
space like you have to make choices
along the way
and if you fuck up
then you might go off in some
other positive direction
but not necessarily i mean there’s
a lot of choices to be made i’ve been on
like i was talking about
on function six
pilots or something like that at this
point since i’ve
taught you know we’ve met
and not one of them is really
taken off it’s been
weird and one of them
could have taken off immediately
yeah you can end up like you
could get super
duper lucky
and not to see we’re
lucky at all
i was lucky
news radio look there’s
no doubt i was
lucky the first two
things i ever auditioned for i got
the first two shows
i didn’t go on
a bunch of auditions like a lot of actors
i auditioned for one
thing when i
was living in new york i got it came out to california
that got cancelled
i auditioned for newsradio i got that bam
no acting experience at all
it’s total luck
there’s no getting away from it
it was just i was in the
right place at the right time
when they were looking for
stand ups on sitcoms
that’s all it is so it’s a lot of luck
you know i could have had the same
thing as you
could have been six different
pilots and nothing happened or
could have been one and and ray
romano actually had that part
before you talked
to newsradio yeah yeah
he had it but i didn’t take
it from him i took it from the guy who took it from him
aha that’s even better they decided somewhere
along the line that they were
gonna go some in some different direction
and you know meanwhile it turned out to be the
greatest thing ever for ray
romano fuck news
radio ray romano
made like 800
million dollars or something we saw him the
other night did
you know him yeah
no real well yeah and he was
seem like he’s incredibly humble and
cool he’s a very cool guy he’s as down to
earth as possible he hasn’t
changed at all he’s the same guy
and he was talking
about something that i can totally relate to too when
we were at the taping of paul preventes’s green room
he did it the
night before i did it
and by the way kitties
i had a conversation with mark mayer and we’re both
gonna do each
other’s podcasts yeah i think
there’s no real beef there yeah
this is a big twitter issue
but so anyway
he yeah people keep
asking me to do it whatever
that’s right with the
other thing i don’t want any
beefs i hear you
oh i hear it’s distracting it’s a
waste of time that’s all it is a
waste of time and you really
think about a
pride and shit like that it’s like shut up
what a who yeah
just go to work you
know it’s like the world
want to do my shit yeah
i hear you i’m
exactly the same way
anyway ray romano was talking
about how you
know you know
even after all
these years
i do these shortly
it sounds like
kermit the frog
he said even
after he does
all these years and he goes to
shows the mirage in
vegas or wherever he goes
and you know
massive fucking
crowd he said he
still feels like a
fraud imposter
yeah he feels like when he gets
stepping out there that all
these people are sure i
think he goes i
think at any moment we’re
gonna just turn around and just
point a finger at me and go you’re a dick
we don’t really like you yeah
yeah you know
and that is what it feels like it’s a it’s a weird
thing like as yeah
you know i do comedy all
these years and you
know and people are there to see you and they’re all
psyched up and they’re
cheering when they’re
bringing your name and as you’re walking to the
stage you’re like what the fuck am i even
doing tom papa told me
great stories
about that like
he’d worked to sell out comedy clubs and he
started selling out some comedy
clubs and then he
moved to the
smaller theaters
and then as a guy in a
smaller theater he didn’t take
a moment to go this is it i’m in the
smaller theater
he started thinking
about getting
in bigger theaters like that was really like
we fill in this one
okay we’re filling this theater
and then we’re
gonna move to a bigger theater you know
if he wasn’t satisfied
right with the little theater
yeah where i’m
thinking oh my god if i can
get to a theater i don’t give a shit what size it is
yeah that’s like the jump off
point yeah for comics
so you always want aspire to get her
yeah exactly
theaters are a lot of work
though man sure it’s a lot of work to try to sell them
unless you got this
giant following you know
i was on the road with mitch hedberg and he
told a story
about him and
lynn trying to
think they could do a theater on their own
and they didn’t need a promoter
and it was sold out at this comedy club forever
and they were just
gonna try to
do it and he said it was an absolute disaster
really like
half full lost
money or barely
broke even well they
probably didn’t have the internet
in full effect no not
all mitch hedberg’s
website was bunk it was like like looked like
somebody put it together out of netscape
navigation that
build a website
page you know
great shaylee
did that you know shaylee
because wrong with
stanho yeah
no yeah great shaylee
did that website as well
terrible website
it really is it’s
older style
updates going on there right
and so he didn’t have like a regular blog
or he didn’t have a message
board or so it’s hard for to
get the word out you
gotta have a lot of shit
going on yeah
a lot of different
connections well now there’s also
so many different applications that you can use that
allow it you know
the communication to be just you know it’s a lot easier
before you’re doing you know just
emails if you’re doing that or some weird
email newsletter with asterisks you know as a
separation points you know it’s not
there’s a lot more out there
now it’s easy i mean you got to be a fucking marketing
major to do all the shit
i got twitter i
gotta keep in
track all this
stuff and then you’re trying to
about tricking out fucking
facebook pages and we just deleted it on myspace
pages like staying on top of this shit well it’s got
to become a part of your life it really does and i love
the fucking you
stream i did that with
them i was in
dallas with house barks he dropped by
house barks was here we had him on the park yeah
we had a really surreal
thing we were in a strip club at triple deloge
you know that place the lodge where’s it at
in dallas allison is and
there was a monkey there
wow so me and hal and a monkey
fucking did strippers it was really fucking weird
we went to dinner with that guy’s radio
show big dick hunter you know okay yeah
yeah hunter yeah yeah good guy
and so we’re there and his wife works at the lodge
which is a great strip club as we’re talking about
being you know
strip clubs being cd after you have kids and shit like
that this is a really fucking nice one it’s top notch i
mean that’s the
thing is that the higher quality
i seem to enjoy
everything luxury at this
point yeah right
i want everything to be top notch i’ve seen the best
hotel room you know and shit like that and
everything is
going to be held up in
comparison to that at this
point once you fly
first class
it’s difficult
if i can go on a
southwest flight
crammed in in a
you don’t realize how
things can be nice shit
everything can be nice and the same
thing is with true
strip clubs you know like there’s the bad ones where in
it’s disgusting like you said
becoming a germaphobe
you know and i’m
thinking about all
these other dudes i was in
tempe and i was
early on in my comedy
career i went to a
strip club during the day
that’s what you do
check right in
right during the day
and by the way you now have 3
148 followers that’s
amazing that just gave you like 400 followers easily
bam boom like that
guess respond because the diamond
like it respect
so you went to a
strip club during the day
strip club during the day which is
never a good time
right never
a good time i remember
going to a bachelor
party and this
strip club was one of the best
places it’s like fantasy sequence
two girls at one time
it was half off beers
half off lap
dances whoa
or five lap
dances for one or some
crazy thing where i
no it was a
dream sequence for strip club
perfect asu chicks
well before being
married and i go in
yeah and i go in there and
during the day when i was by myself
old guy just in the corner in a wheelchair
and this girl he’s regular
and this girl who’s really hot goes up to him and
starts rubbing on him and i was looking at her before
and she starts like
hey john how are you
today did you get the
grilled cheese and like having a
small talk and she
spends like 30 minutes
with him and then comes directly up to me
afterwards and goes
do you want dance
i go i looked around i go no
absolutely not what the fuck
you see what you just did you just rubbed up
against death
and i’m gonna fucking get a lap
dance it’s disgusting so i’m saying this
place to lodge in dallas is
actually really fucking nice and beautiful
not like that not like the
place of the old
there’s a tricky
thing man with old dudes man old dudes like
they get taken at trip clubs all the time
you know they become like
a part of the landscape
when eddie bravo used to be a dj
at his trip club i used to go and
visit him of course he was
and for years
for like 10 years it’s awesome and i’ll go and
visit him at work and he had
like you get to know the ecosystem of the
place you get to know how it works
and you get to see like
he was dating this girl right
and the girl was over by the dj
booth and i’m talking to her
and i’m like yeah so what’s
going on blah blah
blah blah you know we’re just talking
and she’s talking totally normal like this and all of a
sudden this guy walks in and the guy had like a poster
poster workers jacket on
she’s not a guy who makes a ton of
money right
as you know works for the post office
so he comes in he’s got a
you know baseball hat on looks like he’s probably
about 50 and she all of a
sudden turns it on and i saw it and it was like it was
shocking it was like when you see your cat kill a mouse
for the first time
you ever see a cat kill a
mouse and you love that cat
but all sudden bang that cat is
fucking this
mouse up and it’s
you’re like whoa you evil
bitch like i
never knew this about you
well you know
i’m talking to her she seems totally normal
and this guy comes in she’s like hey baby
and she comes running over to this guy and you can see
this poor fuck is just smitten
it’s just so sad she’s like oh my god you’re here
and she puts her one hand on his
lower back and one hand on his
chest and he’s got his arms around her both of them
clasp behind him and she’s like rubbing up
against him
oh i’m watching
i’m watching a
victim like she’s
gonna inject him with
venom and suck all the
money out of him
but this guy had bought her a truck
he bought her a yukon denali
she was having problems with her car
so he bought
her a fucking car and an expensive one one of those
super luxuried aldenolities
there just like cadillacs
escalade no it’s just as nice but just
trunk space dude
it was the craziest
thing ever was
watching it was like whoa like this is like
this is nature man
this is just as natural as any
other thing
just as natural as
a bug that gets
caught in a spider’s web and gets zapped with
venom and alien
and also marriage
a lot of these guys
married way too
early i mean just
think back then they were getting
married to 20
25 so they’re
trapped in these relations
as they grow into different people
right no wonder there’s so much divorce
so then you’re
trapped with this
woman who just becomes fucking
nasty and then they
get those mom
haircuts so they all look like they have that little
lesbian mom haircut
about like denim
jeans and all kinds of fun
they give up all together on
their bodies
and then he can go to
strip club and be with a ten
and all it costs is
maybe twenty two thousand dollars
after you get that car
wholesale like
that and here he’s got this ten that’s
just all over him on a regular basis that was his
apparently his modus operandi
this guy’s thing
was to come there
after work and just hang out and
hang out for
hours and hours and
hours and just give this
chick all of his money
like literally gave this
chick all of his money
every day was like a new thousand
thousand here thousand there thousand here yeah i
can never do
that’s another part with
strip clubs is i’m too
worried like i
started thinking like
if i took this
money and went to osh
i could get i really just
yeah osh orchard
supply hardware like
house supplies
yeah i get that
yeah work on my place
stripper when
it gets into
my home yeah
that’s mad money that’s like i’m
you know that’s
i’m a ball seriously yeah taking it and
throwing it away let’s
throw away all this yeah
i think about that all the time even if it’s
like going out
drinking or something like that
much shit i just
you know i went out to eat and i
spent you know
sixty dollars i
could have went and bought a
you know fucking groceries
up i hate that you
know the best
steak ever at a
supermarket for
twenty bucks
yeah not even cook it
not even twenty
bucks yeah well
if you get a big fat
thick one are they like
twenty bucks yeah
like twenty
bucks well that’s like also is like riding the wave of
these comedy careers because sometime point
you can get like look at like a guy like elon gold
you know the
comic he’s always been on shows he was in that show
stacked with pamela anderson he
was on you know he’s been on sitcom she’s got four kids
wow does it really yeah
he’s got an
impressionist you look like elon
gold seinfeld and shit like that he does a lot of good
he’s a very good
impressions very funny
good impressions of
comics yeah
he’s very funny anyway so
he like is on
these shows
then the shows go away
and he has to sort of
ride it out and save as much
money as he possibly
can i’m in the same boat it’s like i got a deal
then i have nothing
you know well
the key is to keep the
stand up going so that you always have something
yeah you know
if your stand up is
strong and you headline all over
the country and you get a big following and you know
especially develop
an internet presence then you don’t have to ever worry
about things
because you always got
money coming in and you can order
sort of hustle i mean i’m not making a
ton of money doing
stand up but
i can make a living
i can definitely
make what somebody that guy in the post office
but you could
but listen you
could be making a
ton of money doing
stand up you have the
the comedy chops
it’s just a matter of getting
your comedy out there to more people yeah that’s the
thing you don’t have a
great product no no no that’s the
thing people come out to see me live
it’s nothing but good shows
bill burrow i talked to him a lot
and he told me it’s killing and obscurity he goes
2001 to 2006 was my killing and obscurity phase
because i was just
crushing it
everywhere you go
nobody knows who the fuck you are
and then it just
starts to snowball and
snowball and you get on this
thing and that
thing happens
and it’s just getting the people in notoriety
to have people be familiar
with your shit and then you know it will just all
start to fucking happen yeah
the key is just to keep doing comedy when i was on news
radio like i was always constantly
getting encouraged by people to not do it anymore
they were like a lot of
comedy you’re
you’re you’re
you’re an actor now
look at like a
paul riser who’s just
could have been you know stop
seinfeld kept
going all these guys
raven mono still does
stand up kevin
james i think it’s
still going
riser doesn’t do it at all anymore
riser just stopped all together he’s like
thank god you
know what working with helen hunt for 10 years
crushes every comedy instinct you have
every day you’re probably like what the fuck am i
doing for money
mean michael keaton
was a stand up there’s all
these actors dead
michael keaton
i haven’t seen any michael keaton
stand up batman was a stand up
what happened to michael keaton
stopped he still
shit no he’s working for a long
time we stopped
he stopped yeah
he dropped off and then
dropped off and
became like this
kind of like character actor guy
he went from being like this main
movie star to like a
break and then now he’s a character actor
which was really kind of a fascinating
transition well he was in the
movie the good guys with
the other guys with
will ferrell
ferrell i didn’t see that mark
he’s really
funny that he’s
bringing up
tlc references
it’s just weird that you know he was he was a
giant movie star at one point in time remember the the
clone movie fucking batman yeah
three men and a baby remember was he in that wasn’t he
tom gutenberg was in that with
steve gutenberg
steve gutenberg
sorry and here’s a steve comes our story
steve gutenberg
you know he’s lost his mind
and he used to be another one used to be a big
movie star and now the guy can’t get arrested he
doesn’t do anything
well the day phil hartman was murdered
steve gutenberg shows up at phil hartman’s
house and he didn’t know phil
i mean if he knew him he knew him like casually like
he didn’t know him like i knew him or like you know
someone who worked with him on saturday
night live might have known him
right he barely knew the guy
so he shows up with a fucking suit and tie
standing in front of phil hartman’s house
and acting as like a liaison
between the entertainment industry and the press
and trying to ask the press
to use respect and to use good judgment no way
to leave his family alone is trying time
and the way he did
it was what a weasley move it was so
creepy dude it was so like this poor fucking guy like
something happened like
he blew a fuse or something something
he must have had some sort of a breakdown
cause the idea of him even doing this
was it his neighbor or anything no
nowhere near him wow
there was a few
famous neighbors too he
lived down the
street from sam adams
i’m not sam adams
samuel jackson
sam adams the fuck’s
wrong with me i mean he had a
bunch of famous neighbors
and it wasn’t
someone saying hey
this is my neighbor please
leave him alone
a guy who just shows up and he says the cameras are
gonna be here
i’m just gonna get on camera and i’m gonna
speak for the
and he thought he
was like yeah it’s some sort of a message but the real
message that everybody was getting out of it was like
why the fuck is
steve gutenberg
there with a suit and tie on it well that’s the same
thing remember
brian holzman at the freddy
soto memorial
did you ever hear
about that no
where he goes
just yells out
and um have you
motherfuckers here
don’t even know freddy
just trying to fucking see if there’s a manager
or an agent
you fucking fuck
yeah everybody
look at all you
motherfuckers
it’s true though he’s
right one of freddy’s friends you never
one of freddy’s friends
admitted to
never being a virgin
right during the memorial he goes i knew freddy
would all get the biggest kick out of this and so i’m
gonna do it he goes i need to tell everybody
right now because i’m a virgin
oldsman goes up
after him and goes
first line is goes
i’ll fuck that virgin
please go fuck it’s a memorial the place goes
oh my god just
just i mean that’s a funny
ultimate is anyway so he
but then proceeds to say look at you motherfuckers
like all looking around like somebody’s here
and then um
joey diaz is the best thing at the marilyn martinez
memorial went off on this guy jeff valdez
i think he’s just
look everybody jeff valdez is there
fuck you jeff valdez
you know just walking you cocksucker
maryland fucking
hated you and we all fucking hate you fuck you jeff
at the memorial
whoa maryland
would love to fuck that i’m doing this for you now joey
it was one of the um
wow i have my hands on my face and he was going
thank you joey thank you
that much of a douchebag he’s a douchebag you know
he’s like one of
these guys who
would you step on your own fucking
mother that’s
where he’s yelling out
wow it was pretty it
was just joey was yelling at
cause he knew
marilyn would love it
just like that guy i told
her he goes
marilyn would want me to do this and she
would and she
would i went on the road with her
this is weird i mean i’ve been on the road with
marilyn martinez
mitch hedberg
so the guy passed away
dan crawford then
i was very good friends was in san francisco
which is horrible we do a benefit if you ever do
san francisco
punchline the dan crawford
memorial fund
you know we give a
comic a free liquor light
tab for the whole year
oh really scholarship because this guy was just a
great guy great partier
and he was one
of my good friends and he just fucking died we went to
oh sorry yes
brian just moved away
he went to the hospital he was a
comic living in his dad’s basement
okay and he
went to the hospital with a headache a public hospital
he didn’t have insurance he’s a comic
twenty four years old
and they said
no we can’t help you and they sent him away
and then he went back and
says really mad
you gotta help me and they give him vicodin
he went back to the garage
and they found him convulsing on the floor
because he had bacteria had gotten in his brain
and if had they seen him the
first time when he walked in he
would totally be alive wow
he was just a
comic he was a kind
kid without
health insurance so i mean if anybody’s up in the
bay area when i’m doing the dan crawford scholarship
thing in march
and we raise
money to give to like a
how would they find out
about the date
twitter yeah i’ll
definitely put it on twitter
okay so i’ll
magical on twitter
wow man so that
shit happens all the time so i’ve been around all
these guys and
great geraldo do
you know about
did you know
about jerry red wilson
did you know
jerry wilson you know i
heard that happening but i didn’t know the guy
jerry red wilson is another
great guy i knew him from the
scene in new york
really funny guy
gets really a lot of ethnic humor
irish kid and he called
jerry red wilson
gets a pilot and
his pilots in the middle of
shooting i think it went
what it did got cancelled anyway
the kids he’s always working he’s in the mix
and he’s got a headache he’s got some fucking problem
he goes to the hospital
and he’s waiting in line i
guess he’s waiting
in the waiting room for like an hour and a half and
he can’t take anymore fuck this i’m getting out of here
and he has to go to hawaii to film
the fantasy island the new version of fantasy island
and by the time
he gets there he’s so fucked up that he dies
he had meningitis
yeah and he had like
green shit leaking out of his ears he
had like some serious fucking infection in his brain
and he just let it go
you need to find a
place for you can go get
checked out yeah
yeah money that’s the problem
yeah he just what he just
ignored the she
was you know he was one of
those impatient guys
fuck this i ain’t got time for this get out of here
you know you had a
his career was
taken off he had a million
things going on
he was one of
those guys who
would talk to him and he was
just so obsessed with it he was like well we got a deal
right now at universal
and if that
doesn’t get picked up we got
more he was
hustling and bustling
yeah he was making it happen so for him
that hour and a
half sitting in that waiting room was just killing him
so he leaves and he fucking dies you know
shit and you’re not supposed to
fly with a sinus
infection they tell you that all the time you’re not
supposed to fly with that
i flew i flew once when i had pneumonia
oh my god when i because i got to get to a stupid gig
yeah and i just want
you know i’ll fly when i go to the pacific
northwest it feels like my head’s
gonna fucking explode
wow so you do that shit all the time and do
i mean you got it
i sometimes
get a little overboard hypochondriac a little bit
well you know
i got sick for the
first time this year in fucking years i
haven’t gotten sick
and i slacked off and here’s one of the reasons why
i take a lot of probiotics a
drink like kombucha
this kombucha
tea is fucking
super good for your health
is healthy coconut
juice is great too
but what happened with kombucha is
they got in
trouble with
whole foods because
their shit was more than one half of 1
alcohol so it has to be
labeled so they
watered the fuck down
there watered
their formula like seriously water
down where it
tastes like shit it does not
taste near its gts kombucha it used to
taste awesome it was like very carbonated very
strong and i really
enjoyed the flavor
but then it became like this like
it literally it feels like it’s half
water and half what it used to be and
i just i think it’s not it’s not
nearly as active like the the probiotics in and i don’t
think they’re nearly as strong
so i got sick like for the
first time ever do you really
think that’s why you got sick yeah you know why
absolutely this is why i
think it because i’ve
never been sick before and i’ve been
drinking that shit almost
every day so it
it changes within
a month of it
changing i go and i get sick for the
first time i really
think that makes
sense i went to a vitamin shop
and i walked in there and i was
deathly ill
and i said what are you selling all the time
that works for immunity and
stuff flying off the
shelf what is it and he took me to a
thing called sambucall
black elderberry shit that you
drank and there’s pills for it i
would take down on a regular basis whenever i get sick
cleaned right up
i mean it really does work it’s there are
definitely probiotics and what they do is they attack
all the negative shit in your body all the unhealthy
bacteria you know it’s like you’re keeping healthy
troops on hand acidophilus is a big one i hadn’t
taken acidophilus in forever i
would see that
reason why is because i was
drinking this kombucha
all the time i was like i don’t need to supplement with
acidophilus i’m getting plenty of probiotics from this
so then once this
stuff went bad
i started taking acidophilus
again now i take acidopus every day
that’s in milk
yeah it’s a milk
culture yogurt
you can buy
it in pills you can buy it on
live form you have to keep it
refrigerated
you know but
it’s you know
especially if you get
older man you
start being real cognizant
of your health
yeah i start thinking
about it i go to a gym and i’ve been trying to go
every single day
my resolution is holding up so far
and even if i can just go for a little bit i get my
heart going and i stretch
just trying to keep
everything in
shape because i’m all
you know you don’t talk into the
microphone dude your
voice varies
oh is this significantly
sorry i’m looking at you at
the same time
no i’m sorry
let’s turn so we don’t have to do that because
it’s like your
voice is like real low and then all of a
sudden it’s real high so the people on the
ecliptical machine
right now with
their headphones in and like this fucking
magical tell them
where the mic is
see where the sign is
where the words are yeah that’s the part we should talk
to perfect i was on the top of it
you were ready dude
you were right there
anyway so you go to the gym yeah
taking taking a better care of myself i feel like i
could when i saw that
ufc fight for the first you
ready felt like i
could fucking get in there
somebody up
i certainly feel like
i have the mindset for it like i really feel like i
could kick somebody
kill her i used to
fire people you know that was my job when you first met
me is that i like up in the air with george clooney
yeah i used to be
i terminated over a thousand people
really yeah
i’m just like that was
my job at my parents family businesses that i used to
the fucking hatchet man you got some negative
karma shit going
on well now they deserved it for the most part
so but sometimes you had
to you’d send
an unfortunate time it’s like it’s not it’s like
a privilege to be working and having somebody pay you
if you had a fucking employee and you didn’t have the
money anymore
there’s nothing else we can do
it’s there’s a
bunch of different ways of looking at this economy
being all fucked up and i see some people are very
pragmatic look at it like hey you know what these jobs
these jobs at
these people are losing
these jobs weren’t important in the
first place these
motherfuckers
you know we lost all our jobs overseas and what we
need to do is strengthen our economy and this is just
a symptom of a bigger evil
i see that but an
individual one on one basis man whenever i
think about
these people that are
going broke and people that are losing their
houses and people that don’t know what to do
especially if i
think that they’re dumb
and that they’re you know
their occupation options are
limited and
then they have children and shit to it’s like fuck man
these poor fucks were led to believe that this
whole thing
that this ship was
gonna sail it’s
gonna be fine
well also it’s what you’re talking about with
stand up if you just decide to
check out and work and you just like you reach a
thirty thousand dollar job and you say this is it
is all i need
right my father
in law did that shit he’s the type of guy who would go
and sit in a big recliner
and get like a thirsty two ouncer
just fucking sit there and watch tv
no aspirations to do anything
and he please go but
people are fucking like that there’s
a lot of people like that
a lot of people like that you just become complacent
you’re like this is good
right here i don’t know if it’s bad
i think there’s a machine
going on man i
think we’re all little
pieces of this fucking
giant machine
you know and i
think you can look at it like
what you’re doing is very important
and that what you’re doing has meaning to it but
really it has meaning to you and as meaning
to the people who like it but what is what is its
place in the overall
grand scheme i don’t know man
i don’t know
these people sitting there with
drinks they
might be on to something
they might be on to something the guy who’s the
bouncer just
sat there with the
power and no job
that guy was not on something
i don’t i don’t believe that
i think that guy needs to get a real fucking job
certainly 40 year old
super genius yeah
we need all the
super geniuses tell
people not to puke on his
shoes yeah working a
good project
yeah no hats yeah hey
are you super
genius yeah no hats yeah no hats my favorite
is like they tell you how to wear your hat like
no hats backwards like i like wearing hats backwards
that’s how i wear
especially cause when i play pool
i can see the
balls better i don’t want a big fucking floppy bill
but i went to a pool hall
once and the guys like you got to turn your cap around
like what you
gotta turn my hat around like
really that’s your rule that’s sloppy
and hat around in
front ways oh that’s fucking so much better i
look very good
gentlemen yeah
especially when you wear it up high
a little bit
oh the other
thing was no wallet chains
could have wall
chains either i had to put my wallet
chain in my pocket
choke out gotham
gotham comedy club remember that do they have no wall
chains no no no hats allowed at gotham comedy club
like yeah it’s a comedy club and they were
still getting on me
while you’re filming there and like no i’m with joe
and they still were like
take it off wow
come on that’s so
silly what looks
worse a hat or a hat head
definitely hat head
yeah well who’s getting offended by hats
i mean it’s one
thing if you’re wearing some
crazy fucking philist diller
thing with feathers and
no one can see behind you
fucking charlie
chaplin was the last person to be offended by a hat
you know or
somebody back in the day
where they take off hats
every time they
eat sure it is
is sort of a
three stooges like you know
they invade the rich people’s party
another one of my favorites is
when you go somewhere and they say your
shirt has to have a collar yeah
like oh we talked
about that before
that was podcast about
or it’s like in a
lot of parks in la
it says a big sign says no soccer
no parties and like no soccer no parties my
why not just say no mexicans
please mexican
elsewhere no soccer
why would not you not want
soccer i guess
people are trying to have picnics right
foot soccer
if you’re white i
think you can sort
of do whatever you want if a
latino soccer game
breaks out which they’ve been
known to in los angeles
they stop it they stop it that’s
hilarious man it’s a fucking park is it they are they
thinking that they dominate the park
and they make it unsafe for
whites i have no idea
they just live there
know what i don’t know what’s
at the top of that dragon
he’s making that is that what that is
gotta be yeah
mmm trying to
bring it back to the way it was in the 50s sure
no latino park disturbance
i’ve watched a madman
where they just there in a park
and they take
their big blanket
and they just dump the thing
and shake out the
blanket and all the garbage just goes everywhere
and then they just walk away
that’s how they used to do shit just litter
and fucking
you know in
our public parks were just complete what you’re talking
about earlier with the water
supply yeah
that’s how people used to rock it just
if i can throw a
coke out the window out the window
yeah so people
still do that all the time with
cigarettes do you do that
brian please say you don’t no no i
knock the cherry off into a
usually have like a can
yeah car and then i just
i’ve seen i’ve seen
burger king bags out the window i honked
like what i mean i did
i don’t know why i honked i just fucking hawk
like hey that’s fucked
up and a big hand came out and just went yeah course
yeah there’s a lot of cunts out there
we’re for some own teenagers
you know what i see a lot man i see
fucking priuses
those toyota priuses
and then i see the person driving the prius
flick a cigarette out the window i see that shit all
the time save the earth
i i i mark it down
i see it so many times i mark it down i’ve seen it
seven times wow that’s crazy
seven times over the past
three years that i’ve been looking for it
you know it’s
definitely something that people do in
other states
all the time
and in california
they don’t do it
yeah people do it
less littering
quite a bit in the midwest
oh yeah you don’t even
think about it in ohio that’s just what everyone does
like i didn’t get it
until when i
first moved out here and you got mad at me because i
flicked my cigarette on the
ground and you got mad at me i’m like what it’s just a
cigarette and then you were like pick that up
brian blah blah
never heard anyone tell me to pick up a cigarette
there’s a lot of people
i mean the cigarettes are
going there’s a lot of people
on the street
burning trash in
their backyard as well
like that shit is happening
that’s happening i mean i’m sure people are listening
where that’s commonly done or you have
all right all this douchey behavior
how do you stop it
what the fuck do you do
to change people what do you do to turn people around
how do you what do you what do you do
you just kind
of just concentrate
on yourself i mean you volunteer
something and try to help i mean you
could go the
extra step i mean if you can’t control your own shit
first of all
like my wife is recycling
like everything i get yelled
at for not putting something in the fucking recess
too yeah okay
but meanwhile some chinese guy down the
block is burning a tire
you know it’s fucking what the fuck
i mean how am i supposed to
really care that much
it gets separated out the homeless people are coming by
too in my neighborhood and rooting through everything
they’re like
sorting it it’ll get sorted out eventually shit
so like anyway
but how are you supposed to care you can only worry
about yourself
and that’s the same thing with
stand up and like that’s what we’ve been talking
about the entire time so
right but as a whole
if you looked at the
human race or looked at just
the human race in america
you know the ones that we
understand the
culture that we
understand sure how the fuck do you fix it
how do you fix this
culture is everyone getting organized if we
can one common goal of living in harmony
and like in a safe and
clean environment
right there be no
crimes that guy
throwing burger king bags out
his window and giving you the finger
how do you connect to that guy we’re fucked i don’t
think there’s any way
can to connect to that guy because that guy
maybe was brought up in a house
where he was a homeless kid and
didn’t have anything he had this horrible fucking life
that you know
what he was just a douchebag
just a fat douchebag and his dad’s a fat douchebag
look i’ve got all kinds of
things like when i see people on pay phones
i’m like there is no
reason why you shouldn’t have
a fucking cell phone
no i’m just talking
about like there’s i mean
they’re giving them away
and like if you’re broke
and you’re on a pay
phone it’s used for something illegal tap
every single fucking one of
those and just arrest
those fucking
that’s funny that could easily just be
broke people do it or if someone loses their phone
40 ounce like you
sound like an elitist a 40 ounce
nothing good has ever gone they’re great if you want to
watch super fly and review it they’re the best thing
to drink all right
no is that once with a
buddy of mine we watched country club
was that country club is another one what is it
it’s another mall liquor that’s actually oh is
it yeah we had old english and
there was another one fuck
i forget what it was
but there’s a bunch of those that are only
they’re really marketed
something king cobra i think it was
marketed for the black community like straight up
you know the
smart taste to go down easy
like even the way it’s written like the ads are written
just like just straight to the
african american community and when you
start drinking that stuff
those are so
strong and they’re so strong and you don’t give a fuck
you drink that shit
you don’t give a fuck a surgeon
booms is that what it’s called like
strawberry farm boons i
train there’s what is that boom
strawberry farm it’s like a sweet wine
sweet wine that was like marketed to taste really good
grape wine grape
juice yeah grape juice for
drink really is yeah because
yeah how do you fix that well there’s also cisco
and all that
shit i mean just really high alcohol content
we know that loco
for loco do you hear
about that one i had it
pulling it off
the market oh yeah
somebody had it on new year’s that
i wasn’t sure i was talking about
i took a shot of it
i was up all
night with help
heart palpitations whoa
i really felt like the four loco really fucked me up
i’ve heard people
died off of it yeah a couple people are so
it’s banned
and somebody had
a big ass can
you go al you
gotta try the four loco it’s banned
oh i’ll just
take a sip of it
this is bad you only took one sip
and it jacked you dude i feel like it fucked my whole
night i had the most surreal new year’s sacramento
punch line it’s in a
strip mall next to us
sleep trained and
how about arden mall it’s in the
strip mall it is a
barber college you’ve been to that
place haven’t you
a cell phone
store a yeah
just in a strip mall yeah at the upstairs next
big mattress store
right right right all kinds of weird shops red lobster
next to a tony roma’s next to an outback like just
nothing right
and i’m in there on new years and people had paid 50
a ticket to go
to this new year show and it was a good shot i mean i
it really didn’t get up there in half ass
right 50 dollar
ticket but it was
weird i mean
spending your new years in
a fucking strip mall yeah dancing some guy were dom
perry young
strip mall and he’s trying to show off in
front of his
girlfriend and a
fight broke out because somebody spilled it
wow oh really it was a whole
weird and i was filming the whole
thing i was filming this old lady lip
i really was on my flip i’m
gonna add the
video i’ll make sure i put that on twitter as well but
people came
up to me and was like are you filming our mom
and i go no i’m not feeling
your i sorta was filming their mom
not really you
couldn’t make out who it was in my flip camera
and then the kid who’s the
son of the mama was dancing was dancing really fucking
funny with his
young latino kid and she was old and this
latino kid was just dry humpering her on the
dance floor
so i’m like this is my new year’s
you know what a horrible fucking new year’s and
they came up and the guy says
i’ve been looking for an excuse to kick your ass the
whole night
oh i go what the
why where’d that come from i
haven’t fucking done anything
like it was a horrible fucking new year’s wow
sounds better in the mind though
at least you were outside of the house
stayed in oh yeah
brian had a
fight with this girl on new year’s man
girl left me
this girl left him on new year’s man
that same girl we were talking
about not only does girl
leave him on new year’s
trashy vixen
it’s a long story
that’s not cool
we don’t have to we’ll have to play that prince on
again no trust me it’s for the best this time
last time she
broke up with
him we had to play the prince on i got a broken
heart again
do you really feel bad
about it no i don’t
feel bad at all you know what it’s like man
this is what i described it it’s the same way
i describe people who are doucheed you on the internet
that it’s like a little bit of
snake venom
a little bit of
snake venom gets you immune to
snake venom
so that snake
after it bites you
three or four times
after a while like hey
get the fuck
out of here you’re not poisoning me anymore
yeah she was one of
those relationships
where like we
would break up
and then you know something happened and then i
would take her
back just because i know how broken she is
and then this third time
was just like so
quick in fact like we
started dating again
next thing i know she’s almost
moved in she’s talking
about getting
married and like this is like in two weeks
and she just got out of a relationship
where this guy like
cheated on her or something like that
and it was the most intense
zero to 60 in two weeks
and then one day it was just out of nowhere she just
started going
crazy picking
fights with me out of nowhere i’m like what the fuck is
going on next
thing i notice
next day she’s
tweeting her ex boyfriend like
pictures together
like are you
what the fuck is going on
and i keep on finding all this shit she left at my
house and one of the
thing is is like she had a memory card in my camera
that she must have used my camera and the funniest
thing is is like
pictures of her in this guy
and then the next day
pictures of me and her
it’s like doing the
exact same poses
like arms around each other
and it was like two days it was
actually two days it’s like you’re
photoshopped in over that
other guy wow
yeah matter
well you know what it is and
this is how i describe it to you
there’s some people that are addicted
to that charge of an initial
relationship when someone is just in love with you
right you know when you meet
someone man and you you know you fucking really click
and you’re hanging out and you’re fucking like four or
five times a day and you just kissing all the time you
can’t wait to see him
that’s like an intense
fucking you know
intense romantic thing
and then i got
married yeah
it works that way sometimes yeah
and then when you’re in a situation
where let’s
be quite honest about this
the girl perhaps
might be a bit
above you on the food chain
right not a lot but a bit
right happens
well then you’re
stepping on eggshells because you’re afraid
of offending her
because you’re in the situation where like
jesus i don’t want to fuck this up like this
is the greatest
thing of all
time this is so perfect
she’s got the perfect body
not gonna find another
one of these
again i’m telling all my friends dude look at this
picture can you believe i’m fucking this this is insane
wow and so then
they get addicted
to that really intense part of the relationship
where you just enamored by them
and then as time goes on
you get comfortable with each
other and then she becomes your
girlfriend and when she becomes your girlfriend
then you just kind of like lack of days ago around each
other you don’t care if your
hair is fucked up you don’t care if your breath smells
you know you
pee with the door open
hot box each
other and she
doesn’t give a fuck either
and so you know it
some weird thing
where you just get real comfortable with each other and
you don’t fuck as much
and then some
other guy comes
along and that
other guy shows the same potential
for being the guy that’s
so in love with you and this is it it’s supposed to be
about us we’ve had some problems in the past
we’re gonna fucking
stick together forever for till
death we’re
gonna have babies yes
and then the rage is on
again and it’s just this
mad fucking
crazy dash from one person to the next
who can provide the next charge the next
beginning of the relationship is thunderous
orgasmic type of
interaction and it sucks because i’ve gotten to the
age where i totally know that you know and
so i am like
this person gets hurt and i’m like you know
i want you to know
i can tell you what happened to our relationship and
we can really work this together and i’ll do the
stupid take girl back i need to
i don’t know i just need to
stop you know what man i need
to stop dating girls
how old are
you now dating guys
oh that’s it you know
like all the shit that’s at my
house and i’m like oh wow a sock
and i’m like i need to date guys cause then they can
leave things like oh gillette sensor
blades razor
you know like
a video game
no he left me a video game i hate the shit that girls
leave over how old are
these relationships 36
that’s good how old are you 39
see i thought you were way younger than me
um i think you know
look it’s it’s
hard to find someone that you fucking jive
with all the time sure and sometimes people can keep it
together for long stretches
where they really are the perfect girlfriend
for like two weeks this crazy
bitch really is the perfect
girlfriend she’s a lot of fun she wants to cook
she’s hilarious she
cracks jokes i look forward to seeing her
then after that two weeks the fucking
crazy comes out
and after the two weeks it’s what am i
gonna do for a living
and what am i
gonna do for
this and what happens when i get old and what am i
gonna do when i’m
fifty and fucking
sure these licks are not
gonna last forever i’ve got a kind of a strategy i
gotta figure out what
i wanna date a
blind deaf girl no
what you got a date dude
ready for this
yeah you gotta date
civilians civilians
you gotta date
civilians absolutely my wife so you’re a
teacher bango
perfect civilians
listen you are you’re a creative weirdo
okay and if you’re dating another creative weirdo she’s
gonna be just as
fucked up as you are but in a way you can’t understand
because she’s
gonna be a woman
that’s what the hardest part
about living in
california though is because 90
of the population is out here to be in the same
entertainment industry
a lot of regular
nights so i know
some of my wife’s
teacher friends that are very single and
available yeah
they’re tainted
they’re tainted they’re out here
listen they know how
magical he’s probably fucked
are we going
texas anytime soon joe dude we
gotta move to
colorado with me i’m moving back
are you back yeah
i want my kids to be raised in colorado
i don’t want my kids to be raised in
california i
think this place is just it
hums at too high a
frequency you’re in
a nice area
yes that’s and i want to go further out
i want to live on a
ranch dude i like living
in the woods
that’s what i live i want to live by a lake
in the woods
i like to be around nature on
a way i want to see deer that if shit goes bad i can
shoot those bitches and eat them that
exist why don’t
you go out to palm springs or into desert man
in the you know it’s out there meth and gay people what
about arrow
what about arrowhead
that’s good
that’s a move
that’s a possibility i know a lot of people have to
arrowhead places and you can get here quick
two hours yeah i might
look at like getting
maybe like a vacation now someday in
their head that
would be the shit and i just i want to
just like living in the woods man
in fact i loved living in boulder i loved
the idea that i
would see like fucking deer
every day driving home that there was
eagles flying overhead
the guy was saying
deers that you see
every day is
gonna jump in
front of your car and you’re gonna
fuck deers and yeah but
you know i just get a big ass bumper and you’re good
what about i didn’t
drive my car yeah that’s the problem
mrs rogan’s not so fucking good at driving in snow
yeah well why even
move somewhere
where there’s snow that’s why you see good but
also if you go on the road and you sort of strand
her out there in this
cabin right
well that was part of the
issue and then our dog got
eaten by a mountain lion the real
thing that sent us home though was that we were
8500 feet above sea level
and she got pregnant
and when you’re that high above sea
level if your body’s even if you’re
living there your
whole life the kids
still gonna have to go on oxygen
no more kids joe
no more kids you stopping off at two
my loads are
still fucking devastatingly good
i’m ready shoot
another one there
testing it’s hard man just taking care of two little
babies at the
same time you know one two and a half and one nine
months old or
seven months old it’s so cute
it’s the greatest
thing in the
world people
don’t i always
tell people that kids
and mushrooms
are very similar
and then if you’ve
never experienced it if you
never had your own kid and if you’ve
never really done mushrooms shut the
fuck up you really don’t know i used to talk about kids
you know i didn’t
understand what it was
until you have a kid
and the other
thing that you
understand is that
stop doing that whatever you’re doing
the other thing
that you realize when you have a kid is that you change
and you hit some
weird new next
level of evolution
where there’s so much more at
stake now and there’s some
you become a more serious person it’s really
weird i feel like a real man too
i feel like a man exactly
i mean i’m still very
silly and i obviously make a living
sure sure sure sure
you know and i still
smoke a lot of weed
which is also a
weird thing with a lot of people that’s like they
think some for some reason or
other you’re not supposed to smoke weed
you know that like smoking
weed when you’re a father like set some sort of a
weird example
or that it’s a bad
thing but but
i’ll go well how come i can go to a restaurant and
order a beer and nobody even blinks
that’s fine nobody says a word
about that i go and get some wine
with dinner and
nobody looks at me
they ask me if i want it
if i said no but you guys got a
place where i can hit this joint
they’d be like whoa what the
fuck your children are here either way if you’re too
baked though if you get too
drunk i mean not even
sure say you just get wasted
course some guys just fucking
crushing it and in
able to operate like if i get too high
yeah i can’t
function and also i’m really bad with booze to two
drinks i’m fucking tipsy
you know like i’m
drunk yeah yeah
yeah you’re a
lightweight you’re
no no i am a
lightweight
no i definitely don’t i don’t
think you should be
drunk or high
around your kids that’s not what i’m saying
but i’m saying like i’m not
gonna change like who i am you know
i don’t have to like become
this fucking straight edge person just because all of a
sudden i have children
if i thought there was something
wrong with smoking pot i
would have stopped doing it because i
think it’s bad for you
if like it was detrimental
to my health or to my mental well being or something
if i thought it was something
an issue that i needed to deal with i
would deal with it as an
issue but i don’t
think there’s an
issue i think it’s
beneficial i
think it helps my personality
it helps me
enjoy life it helps me write like
crazy it is like
steroids for writing
when i get high and i
write i am just i just strap in
and ride this wave that i connect to i get
high and i go into the isolation tank and i rethink my
whole life and it
i come up with new strategies and new ways of behaving
and i have a new appreciation for
everything and a new
respect and love
for my friends and my family
i end up calling people that i
haven’t talked to in months
just getting out of the tank
dude i just want to tell you
man i mean we don’t hang out but i love you man we’re
friends and you know i get these
crazy conversations like
i just gotta make sure i say all
these things that i need to say it’s like it
re invigorates
me but also being a dad hopes that i mean that does
too yeah i mean
the combination of the two
things people don’t realize that
that’s there is that
you do feel
like taking a step back and not taking
things so seriously either
even though i still get
fired up i keep
everything in perspective
very well too i mean
i’m not making too many fucking
stupid decisions over here
yeah you get more in tune with love
you know and that
sounds fucking very gay
super gay but it is what it is man it’s like you get
more in tune with love and that’s honestly that’s what
what weed is all
about too weed is
about getting you in tune
with love getting you in tune with happiness weed is a
happy drug it’s it’s about
friendships and and hugs and having a good time and
laughing and giggling together
you know it’s not it’s not a bad drug
it’s an theogen
and that’s what people have to understand
everything is lumped together in this one big
stupid group called drugs
and included our
caffeine and
alcohol and then dangerous shit like heroin and fucking
you know and math and all
those are drugs but there’s also drugs that literally
change the way your fucking mind works
and in a good way
and they’re here to make you
more humble make you feel better
and the reason why people have bad trips
is because there’s a lot of shit
about your life that’s douchey man
you need to
clean that shit up
why are you paranoid
why are you
freaking out well you
should be freaking out
that’s why people
do a lot of drugs in college too when you’re younger
and you don’t have as much responsibility but
more and more responsibility you have and then
when you do drugs you
start thinking
about all that shit that’s why people
to freak out sure but if you’re just more carefree
person in the
first place and the college is a perfect example
cause you really don’t have too many responsibilities
you can go home by yourself for the
first time and
not have anybody scrutinize you once you get there
and so it’s an opportunity
no no real bills to fucking pay
i mean if somebody’s taking care of it
so less responsibility
and you can’t just fucking let go
completely but
more and more shit that you got
going on like a daughter
and we talked
about the porn
thing with the data
like you just
start to put
you have more shit
built up the thing
about porn is you know i don’t
wanna say why anybody gets into porn
cause i don’t know i’m not a girl
i’m not a girl that’s getting fucked on camera i don’t
understand you
maybe you really are
a healthy person it’s just fun for you that’s possible
doctor drew says no
but like then
again i said i’m not i’m not i’m not a
woman i’m not
a doctor i don’t really
understand but
i think are the ones that i’ve come in contact with
almost all of them had some fucked up childhood
almost all of them
i think it’s pretty much mandatory yeah there’s no
other way to do it
right right
it’s like the reason why you got into it in the
first place is not
a healthy reason so it’s just this massive evidence and
even if you’re the coolest person to hang out with ever
like a lot of them
are you know a lot of them really fun to hang out with
you’re still you’re this way because somebody
was shitty to you that’s what
they were talking
about think
about yeah they were talking
about that on that
green room show
with paul province
of before the one you were on
and they were talking
about how everybody’s
all comics dads
or some shit
like that like yeah
there is some
comics some dad shit
dad shit always yeah well
you don’t ever become a
comic or anything like that a singer or
anything where
you’re asking for this exorbitant amount of attention
like this really unbalanced amount of attention
to say i want
to be a comedian is to say i want to be the one with a
light shining on me
while everyone else is in the dark
with my voice amplified
and i wanna be
above them i wonder
if standing
above their heads
never think of it like that at all yeah
that’s what it is that’s what it is that’s what it is
you wanna be
above the crowd you know
nobody wants to do a show where
everyone is
in the balcony staring down on you and you’re one level
below them you
would feel disconnected if you didn’t have that
floor filled in
you would feel
disconnected
the whole thing is a really
ridiculous request
and so to wanna do that for a living
you have to have some
giant deficit you’re trying to make up for some fucking
crazy hole in your childhood
you know but
none of us really
think i don’t
think i have it that bad you know
it’s pretty
you don’t have to have it that bad now
and i think one of the reasons why is because you’re
self healed when you have
a family of your own and you have your own children
all of a sudden that shit goes away
you don’t need your
daddy anymore man i don’t need my
dad can get hit in the head by a fucking meteor not my
stepdad who raised me my real dad who i don’t even know
i wouldn’t give a fuck like
i don’t need a dad you know
i’m a dad myself thanks
thanks take care
i gotta know
sorry sorry you got hit in the head by a meteor
you know what i mean
but when i was
seven it was devastating when i was
seven like that guy like the fact that
my dad wasn’t in my life anymore was just like whoa
just crushing
and so that
whatever sets you off when you’re
seven or whatever it is whatever
age it is you have
this dad issue
that’s what
gives you this incredible energy and desire to pursue
this stand up comedy thing
the key is somewhere
along the line you have to
shift your motivation
and your motivation has to go from
i want all this attention to i
wanna produce all this art and make people happy
i wanna produce all this shit that people love i want
people to come see how
magical and concert i’m
gonna give them a fucking rocking show
where they get all
excited and can’t wait to see me
again i think
about what my
one of my kids i can’t help but think
about this i think
about my kids looking at my
standup when
they’re 18 years
old and looking back and seeing what i did are you
still smoking cigarettes
no i’m done you’re done yeah completely
i quit almost
i feel like a year ago
right around now
how many times a day do you
think about it
i don’t know why this
motherfucker he quits
and his cat hurts her foot
the cat hurt her foot
so he was it her yeah
yeah cat hurt her foot
she jumped off the refrigerator and hurt her foot
so he got so stressed out he
started smoking
cigarettes again
yeah i mean it’s always something for me
i mean it’s
if it’s a relationship problem or if it’s my
cat get hurt problem it’s all it’s all excuses i mean
cigarettes i even
i know you just you say that you’re over and
stuff like that
but most people when they even if it’s been a year
i still thought
about it at
least once a week
and then the reason
i saw actually i saw a commercial that made me quit
wow one of those non smoking commercials
and it was great one it said
it was there for you then
you know you did it
after you smoked in the morning you smoked at
night you smoked after
lunch you smoked when your
daughter was born you smoked here you
smoke there
because you did it you tried
now you’re done
like that and just put it you gave it a shot
like i smoked
i really did
smoke and i’m just done with it i
think if i have kids that’s
gonna be a real big pushy
thing but when you’re hanging out at a comedy club
drinking and
every single person’s smoking it is almost
impossible to fucking quit smoking
unless you have something like a kid at home
that you’re like okay i’m doing anything for this is
especially when you get a couple of
drinks and you like fuck yeah but
everybody else
is smoking and you’re sitting around it’s also an
easy way to step away from a situation like if i’m at a
party one of the best things
about smoking for me is that you were in a party
and i get to walk outside and just sort
of collect my thoughts and be by myself
right and then
maybe he’s out there and it’s cool another cool smoker
guy what’s up what’s up you see that chicken there
whatever is
and so you have a tiny meeting away
from the fucking event i used
to see that back in boston
when they had to do it and it was fucking zero degrees
on green and
these poor junkies were
standing outside
these fucking queer laws
smoke in the city we
fucking can’t even
smoke inside anymore what’s next yeah
you just go
it’s the ability to step away from shit
yeah i really did miss that’s what all meetings
little tiny meeting
little tiny meetings that’s funny
so you’re in a little tiny club
that’s kind of interesting when you look and a club
where you meet with
the regular people at the regular time so you see t bow
who i’m sure you’ve had
cigarettes with have you had
cigarettes with
jason tebow oh
yeah all the time all the time he’s one of my favorite
cigarette smoker guys exactly so he has his regular
cigarette guys that he
sees and he knows if he sees corp mccown he can get a
cigarette off him he knows if he sees
this guy renezezie used to
smoke and he just quit so if you see
steve renezezie
you can smoke to you know he’s got
cigarettes isn’t
that a part of it too that you support each
other like you
give each other
can i bomb a cigarette
you always give the guy a cigarette
cause you know
that if you see him and you have a cigarette
he’s got a cigarette
and you’re good a
lot of watering
and i see you people do that at bars
too that don’t even know people you got a spare yeah
they’ll ask you for a fucking free cigarette
like that’s like saying
can i have a dollar
you know i was a take two guy
because i knew he’d need one for later
really one for
later generous
motherfucker yeah
he did that a
lot did that to daryl last
night yeah you know what
you like a guy a lot you see you see a
tebow right
here you know what
tebow i have another one
i fucking bust out
three you know
yeah no just put one behind the ear
did you did you ever go the natural
cigarettes route
where you try to get
those american
spirits i smoked
a parliament
light hardback and i smoked a marble
light hardback
and that was it
and what happened brian
those natural acts and not the way to go they
supposedly are better for you because they have
only tobacco in it and no pesticides and none of the
whatever 102 chemicals but
they’re taking
a drag of a twig
yeah it’s so hard and rough
that i actually felt like more shit the next day waking
up on that it takes 15 minutes this one on regular
cigarettes in
about seven
minutes not even
half of it is just expensive
explosive chemicals you’re sucking in yeah
you know there’s 599 fda
approved chemical additives that are in cigarettes
joe was always on me not to smoke
you have children i know i know i know you were
on it and then also when i did before i had children i
you hear that sound
before you had children
the volcano
i’m not doing that’s the volcano
it’s come alive
okay that’s got a request
answer quest is to fuck you up
we’re talking
about smoking
and there’s a you know a lot
of people say well marijuana you know you’re smoking
that’s bad for you that’s not good
well there’s a
thing called the
vaporizer ladies and gentlemen
and what it is is it looks like a ufo
and it’s jiffy pop
yeah it looks like it’s making
jiffy pop but what it’s really doing is
taking my ground up
plant material
and vaporizing it so that there’s no smoke
but instead it’s a mist and it’s a thc mist
and what it does is it fills
this bag up with this thc mist oh it’s filling up now
it’s looking good how long have you had that leg in it
i’ve had it for a
while man i
think i got it a few years ago
and because your bag leaks a little bit you know
bad then we’re gonna do
gift idea if you wanted to
get you a new bag i really
i need a new bag is it turn off by itself
no you just wait is it
gonna pop look at it no not ready
it’s not ready yet
looking good though
scary yeah this is
don’t be a bit
like walking
around balloons and not hitting the ceiling
it’s vapor bro it’s thc
vapor and the
thing is it looks like
nothing like when you breathe
it in and breathe it out y’all sometimes you know you
think you got anything
you want with the
clear bag but all bags are pretty much
clear so you can see the
mist in these
exactly well
this is just the same bag that i’ve had for years i’m
probably supposed to be replacing that no that’s why
ladies i mean yeah it is a good gift idea
if you’re thinking
about gifting
this volcanoes are fucking expensive yeah i
think like six hundred dollars or something like that
yeah i was thinking
about getting one and then i was like
this is the this is what you get out of it this
strange thing and inside this strange
thing is i don’t know
jesus you’re going crazy
and that just sticks around for a
while you can use that later yeah that’s it bam son
pure thc you don’t have to worry about smoke
if you worry about shit being bad for you how magical
you’re still going on the children are you
still going on the road
yeah yeah you go you go with ari
yeah ari comes all the time
joey when you can count on them
you never know what joey
is because he might pull a joey
i just know shell
what’s that and just no show
um i actually
started taking two people on the road with me
for the very reason
that i never knew of joey diaz is gonna show up
so joey diaz is the reason
was that did you hear that
did you hear uh
feedback no do you hear us yeah
hmm was that just you rustling
maybe you just kick something we sat down maybe
anyway i used to
take joey diaz
on the road all the time
until we worked in rascals
and worked in
rascals in new jersey and joey just didn’t show up
he just never flew to new jersey
and he didn’t answer his
phone he had a pager
back then it’s impossible to get in
touch with them
and then finally we got in
touch with him the next day
he’s like i’m coming tonight don’t
worry about it i’ll be there don’t worry
about it i’m there don’t
worry i miss my flight i fucked up i got
stuck in vegas
so it’s maybe
an hour before the show
and we finally get a hold of joey
diaz and he’s
still back in la or
vegas i forget
where he was like i ain’t got a lot of your doors done
vegas i never got on the plane
just he just
he just whatever reason
he just decided to go off and do his own joey diaz
world that’s
great and he’s done that so many times
he did that in phoenix
he just he just fucking vanish i’m telling you that
story of him at the
marilyn martinez
maybe there’s somebody who talked
about that but
i mean it was just really one of the best
things i’ve ever witnessed
just telling somebody off at a memorial
those fucking memorials
they bought me out man
yeah i went to mitch
yeah mitch was
i mean i don’t
go to anybody’s i don’t like funerals either
i don’t like the idea behind if i want to celebrate
somebody i want to celebrate it on my own and to
think about
their life and you know my personal relationship
with them and if i mean if i mean it’s cool
with you if you want to meet up with everybody and talk
about how great the guy was and
celebrate them i get it i totally
understand it
but to me it’s just like man it’s such a personal thing
when someone dies
i wouldn’t have
public official died in
tucson i mean
they saw all the people in
obama spoke
yeah that was a lot
of people how many people were at that event you know
no it’s a shitload
of people and a
university arizona
probably in the
basketball stadium
easily about
eight thousand people it’s
weird right
and well you know in that case though it’s like
those people need healing
you know those people are going oh
absolutely yeah
with something that
happened like that little girl got shot like that that
thing is so devastating
and apparently cops have been called to this guy’s
house the guy who did that
shooting in arizona
well they pulled it over on
right there
jesus did they really they
pulled away he got arrested for
yeah he had
some sort of
violation he got pulled over oh my god they didn’t
check that he’s got guns
guns in a bag
jesus fucking christ
when anyone goes
to load up and went to walmart and bought a shitload
of bullets too i
think it’s just
gotta be some
check like don’t
you think so
like somebody just
let’s take a
picture and send it
i’m sure all that’s being done i don’t even know i feel
i feel bad for the cop that pulled him over
who has to think that you know
had he done a little bit more of an investigation
i just looked into this he probably had some
inkling but he’s probably you know whatever
leave the guy alone
other people talking
about that or
they to people talking
about the fact that he was stopped and i
never heard it i didn’t hear
until you just brought it up
that’s crazy though the
photos of that kid the mugshot
photos looks
just as bananas as anybody
could look yeah i can’t look any crazy yeah
yeah that’s but that’s me
again with the payphone shit is like i would yeah
inspect them
you know well then the
other thought is that you know if you look at
the whole machine of life if you look at all
these different
things in life the good and the bad
there’s a lot
of people that believe and this is you know
this is sort of a staple in eastern religion
said almost you sort of have to have
negative in your life to recognize
the positive and the yin and yang the reason why it
exists because
that’s the only way ever anything ever gets done
and like even events like 9 11
like they’re terrible events but
in some ways they
bring people together
like new york after 9 11
after that was like the friendliest fucking
place in the
world for the longest time
senators holding hands with
on top of it was just different man people were you
know everyone was devastated people
were shell shocked they were horrified
but there was this
weird feeling and air of
a group of people that are all cool
motherfucker i’m weak
now i feel better about mine
text earlier
somebody just call me once i
swear to god i unplug that fucking
thing anyway
there was a
sense of community there that didn’t
exist and it fazed
away now we’re
back back to douchiness
but for the longest
time man everyone was so fucking cool there so positive
we went there we filmed a fear factor i
think it was right
after september or whatever
there wasn’t far
after it like
maybe a year or two after
everybody was in it was back when firemen
were fucking
heroes and firemen were just getting
pussy thrown at them everywhere
women wanted to go fuck firemen
they wanted to go fuck
heroes you know
it’s weird how that changed
but for that
long time so it’s like almost like a negative
thing like can
often times
inspire like this positive reaction the opposite way
and there’s a lot of people that
think that all
these things are in
place and all
these fucked up people are in
place and fucked up situations
to get us to
appreciate the situations that aren’t
you know to get us to really you know to really try to
be better and
and help us evolve so that we can get past
these unfortunate but
unavoidable situations
where they’ve been
said yeah i
we need homeless people without homeless people
mean you no longer
you’d have you need sort of
somebody on the bottom
this will not well
i don’t know if that’s true i don’t i don’t necessarily
agree with that but it’s also
like you know to
watch something really terrible like that sort of like
motivates you to not let that happen to you
people can accept a lot of shit
a lot of things can happen to you
and you just sort of accept your situation and it gets
worse you sort
of accept that
yeah yeah exactly hoard is a perfect example
and you know because of that you just sort of
just all of a
sudden you find yourself
you know many
levels of accepting this bullshit in a
place where you
never would have just accepted it straight up
right off the bat
you just kind of
let it happen
like that next day
know your home
builds and builds and your credit gets out of control
and all you’re
evicted and you just fucking
don’t handle your shit
yeah you do look at that to get
motivated because this is the bottom
i’ve seen the bottom
and i don’t want to be near the fucking bottom exactly
that’s what it is
i do not want that when i
watch a hoarders me and my wife actually
watch one the
other night in this show
is difficult to
watch because it was you
you’re right that they do
gradually accept
that they have to shit on top of fucking capri
sun boxes or something in
their way and shit
stacks up around them
and they’re just shifting
you know then we just
started living in one room
they say that all the time
also i think we
moved to this room
yeah we all recognize that our own
brains are just as vulnerable as
these people’s brains
oh sure we just
a lot of people choose to
fight a little bit harder you
know you can just keep their shit
clean and it takes work
everything takes
work just life’s maintenance needs to be
fucking done you can’t let shit get out of control but
we’ve all gone into this
weird spiral
i think anybody that i’ve ever met
especially anybody
that’s ever been in a tumultuous relationship
you go into this
weird spiral
where you don’t feel like you
have that much control over your thoughts and actions
you know when guys get in like
a devastating relationship you get your
heart broken you can’t
sleep you can’t
think you know
especially when that happens
young in your life
you don’t really
haven’t mastered yet you don’t really
understand who the fuck you are
you know that shit can send you on some kind of crazy
spiral you know
and if you go
through all that and you got some sort of a history of
mental illness in your family and
you know next
thing you know
done you’re
cracked yeah
i mean you don’t want ever accept that it
could happen to
you but you look at someone who’s really devastated by
by any sort of a fucking obsession like that
gambling obsessions
hey do you know gambling people dude
my in laws live in
dirty vegas so you out near the airport
base out and
where there’s all of
those poker
places and it’s
pawn shop poker place
just shut down
fast food fast food pawn shop poker poker poker
and you go into one of
those places like a terribles casino
and shit like that there’s
those car washes
and you going like a pjs poker
place and you just see
these just guys
you think like an
indian casino is bad there’s regular casino really nice
then there’s the
lower level downtown casinos
then there’s like an indian casino that’s
out in the middle of fucking nowhere and like why
would you go there
and they say it’s like it’s a
morongo casino it’s where real
nightlife is and you go in and it’s just like
grouping of
chinese people to
morongo if you say anything
wrong be cool
right here there’s a lot of money in
morongo come to
morongo yeah
there’s so many hot
chicks and i love
going to morango man
thinking about getting
these commercials that come on
like the nightclubs and shit like that
it ends up being old chinese
ladies in like mystical wolf
t shirts fucking just walking around
with those walkers with the
tennis balls in the
bottom of the feet
it’s fucking disgusting it’s depressing shit
that gambling addiction is a strange one man
anybody spouse there’s
homeless people in my neighborhood who bought a car
what i watched them be homeless
i knew they were
going around collecting cans
and just one day
you know how
you got your eye on the same homeless people
all the time you seen them around for a regular basis
these two i reckon
it’s like a couple
frumpy looking
weird white lady
and this tall
black guy who wears a top hat sometimes
they start driving around a
green minivan
fucked up green minivan
but they got there and
saved up enough cans like marble
miles to buy they’re
sleeping in his van now
yeah they’re
cheating they’re
cheating in my neighborhood because they have a
place where you
can turn recyclables into
money and then
every night i see them just fucking
going through all
my everyone’s recycle bins
and just taking out all the
shit from the recycle bins and then selling it down the
street yeah that’s
cheating is that cheating
no that’s like the marble
doesn’t starwood
points for homeless people
well i think that makes
sense because
one way you’re not
gonna make any money
just put your recyclables on the
street you’re not
gonna make any
money and for them it’s like free money
i don’t think it’s
cheating at all
yeah get out of my fucking
trash i don’t want you in my
trash somebody was telling me well
as long as i do a good job
the downtown
they don’t make
something your
identity they were in a downtown la like
shopping mall or something like that they saw
or an office complex and they saw one of
these fountains
where people throw
money in the fountain
and they were just
standing there
going oh my god what a beautiful fountain
and then this
latino family came in just rolled up all
their sleeves and went in the fountain just
started taking all the money whoa
and just say because it’s free
money we’re throwing
money in water
yeah what do you say to that how do you stop
that i have zero money
and there’s money just
right there yeah you got
a foot of water
right and it’s like it’s a
weird thing like is it illegal to take the money yeah
yeah is it i
think so is it
it shouldn’t be
no i think a lot of
these fountains
usually have a charity booked around behind it
like the mall gives it to a charity or something so i
think once it’s that
it’s considered giving to a charity
and it’s stealing but it is no charity sign take
their money
right i need a
maybe they started
doing it to a charity just because people were doing it
right it’s like the mexican soccer yeah
it is ridiculous that that’s
how fucking rich this country is people can throw
money in a fountain
a fountain enough
money for food
like there’s enough
money in that fountain
for you definitely to get something to eat
you know it’s always
quarters and nickels there’s
a comic that
is a conan writer that actually does that as a bit i’m
sorry i forget his name but
imagine coming from another country
like where they have no
water where you have to go to a well
i don’t really
just out in the middle of nowhere and there’s one
water hole and there’s a fucking
tiger there yeah
and then you come to this country
and you going to like
a place like
the city center
with city walk city walk universal city walk
and there’s fucking water
shooting up
out of the ground kids are fucking frolicking
we’re taking our
extra money
and throwing it in the fucking fountain
just like here’s our
money and our
water it’s crazy
right really crazy
it really is
well we don’t realize how rich this country is
until you watch
you even talk to some of the people that are in certain
european countries
where there’s no resources and
nothing to do like
there’s a real
issue in italy
right now with
young people like
where there’s no fucking jobs there’s really
nothing they can do
you know people are
graduating and there’s like
there’s nothing there’s
nothing out there mom’s already manning the cafe
or whatever it is you
know there’s no yeah
you have to go out and find an actual job you have to
leave the country
you have to get on a fucking boat or something you
know you gotta go find your shit somewhere else you’re
stuck yeah and i
think a lot of the
smarter people said
there’s free land
over in that other
place and those
people were nuts man let’s go the idea behind that
we’ve talked
about it before but how
crazy you have to be
to be living in europe
and say you know what fuck this we’re
gonna get in a boat and we’re
gonna go across the
ocean it’s gonna take
a long time
a lot of us are
gonna die yeah a lot of us are
gonna die and we’re
gonna get some new diseases when we get there but good
dying is better than
yeah that shit they
weighed that out they must have
theirs must
have been wow
or they’re just running from the law we’re a nation
built by criminals
running from european law
i wonder how many people
supposed to be one
thing when they were in europe they came over here bob
smith that’s my name
you know just new
identity new
identity new
everything clean
slate that’s how to be allowed to
wipe out a complete
record of yourself
right don draper the
whole thing yeah
a lot of them
right can’t do that shit anymore
folks now that’s
going out of the way soon
soon you’re
gonna be a you’re gonna be
you cunts so
where are you at this weekend now
you’re gonna be
chilled i am actually doing the john oliver
tv comedy central show
in new york on saturday night
sounds nice
cool yeah and then
i’m gonna be in austin texas
cap city comedy club
my favorite club
and i’m gonna be at the ontario improv i’ve got
those three coming up so it goes
can i come with you to austin
still some bitches
chicks and austin
steals how confident
are you still
you bitches
brian’s like
all i have to do is go to austin i’ll just you know
start a fucking harem and shit i love them so i
gotta do just go there like
rescuing one in fact
austin dude
austin is the shed
why would it be
rescuing yeah you’re not
because they don’t want to get
world and they
don’t want to get beat up anymore they’re
gonna get in twitter
fights with your ex girlfriend
twitter war how many people have in public like
spats on twitter
yeah it’s so are they
have relationships are broken up on twitter oh that’s
arguing with
that’s another
thing i miss i miss texting
in my relationship so i don’t even know it’s like
where you at
where you at yeah
i have no idea what that’s about
there’s a few
people that i follow just because i know that there
famous couple and then they’ll get in spats
and when they get in spats like they’ll like
leave like little
vague shit there comes a
point when you know
that you cannot
count on anyone
when that person
i can’t tell you i’ll tell you when we’re off
when we’re off air
but you know
i follow them just because i want to hear them
and then once that
point has been reached
it’s over yeah so this an echo in here
i keep on hearing
phones ring
i think i’m no more
phones right
it’s my medicine
it’s your medicine
folks is fucking shows over yeah
right should have been over a
while ago we
gotta get new
seats when we do these
two hours and 45 minutes shows i
feel how is that
phase perhaps you need to work on your core
no the fucker
these are the
most uncomfortable
cameras i feel
pretty good
i’m right he’s
right rather
when i got these
yeah there’s no back support i’m
gonna get us office
chairs that’s the next one
yeah really nice one
that way we can move around more too we’re not
married to this one spot and we can face each
other better
listen folks this shit is ever evolving
i’m working on some sort of a tv to look at the u
stream it really does look
like a professional environment though with the mic in
front of your face and it looks like
you know i mean it is a
very professional
setup but i’m saying
let’s fucking
raise this shit
yeah we’ll figure it out when we
first started doing it man we just had a laptop
and we had like snow in the
background and shit and
those are terrible ones if you’re
gonna download a podcast
those first ten of them
can’t believe anybody was
still listening
yeah we just
would get baked
just start rambling
and nobody was paying attention so we didn’t
think it was a big deal
but now there’s like
hundreds of thousands of downloads i want to deliver
a quality project i feel like i have to you know
i have to make the conversations interesting i have to
bring on people like
al mandrigal how’d you
do that was a good
show have fun
chat you too
great always bro you’re
an awesome dude i’m glad we’ve been friends for all
these years i’m glad i knew you
back in your
salad days right
now so i have my
album has not
changed that i just put out oh really
it was it called
it’s called
cholos on a moped
cholos on a moped
and itunes friends available
not know it’s just on my website okay
it’s do they have to download
okay download it
no they have to download it and i just put in
sort of a pay
whatever you want it bottoms out of 7 99 because i
think that’s like
that’s nothing but if people want to pay 10
bucks or more oh really
oh that’s kind of cool i like that
you know i’ve seen people do that with paypal
links they say
if you want to donate you know here’s what
something to
that yeah i don’t know i’d rather people have it
than i make a certain dollar amount
before we go
i want to ask you about this
how do you feel about
online piracy
what are your thoughts on that
i like actually ripping a
movie and then distributing
your stuff let’s
just go specifically with your
stuff oh if somebody puts my
stuff out on limewire
he takes my
shit i see i’m at a
stage in my career
where i would like people to have the
stuff more than i like the big
one i’ll write new shit
right i’m gonna continue
producing i mean i’m just
starting to
right now with this like a couple of bits
that i have up that the la factory put up on youtube
like the shit that i really fucking
enjoy doing so i just want to keep
producing shit like that at a high quality but
at some point
where there’s real big
money to be made i’m sure i’ll
fucking want to sell the
stuff legitimately
right i know what you’re saying
but for the most
part i just
wanna get it out
i’d give it to somebody if somebody kid comes out to me
after my shows
i always say
pay what you want i don’t care as long as you don’t
throw a fucking 2 000 look at
you dude you look a hippie
you’re a hippie
socialist well
i mean for the most i say pay what you can afford
and what’s the
cheapest people give you
i’ll take five bucks
cause i cost
three to make
wow and so and then if somebody put for the most part
people give me
twenty dollars
what is that’s
kind of cool what is the most someone’s ever
given you i had
people in tempe at the tempe improv
jumping up and down it was one of the last cds but
forty dollars
sixty dollars i think nice
for but it was like they were running out
oh what are you doing
brian what is that
understand music again yeah
sounds like a chinese restaurant yeah
kim trails by
sounds like the waiting area for a chinese restaurant
can you make it
louder a little bit
there you go february 4th
mandalay bay theater
i am there with ari shafir
and joey coco
diaz hopefully i know ari will show up
with joey twitter that fool
talk to him i don’t know it’s mad flavor
but tickets are selling very fast it’s
gonna be a fucking
crazy show it’s a big place
it’s like 2 000 seats
something like that 1800 seats
it’s a new theater in
mandalay bay and that’ll be the
night before
the ufc there’s a link on joe rogan
net you can
go there there’s a link on my facebook
which is joe rogan
dot net and al
magical you
could reach him at al
magical at twitter a l
m a d r i g a l in the
house bitches and al madrigal com
al magical com
dude thank you very much
thank you for
everything thank you for being a cool dude
thank you for being a
great stand up comedian
thank you for being the same guy that i met
when we got high
and watched oprah
exactly the
same 11 years ago yeah
it’s pretty much not too much has
changed well
you know you’re more of
a dad and a man now and all that good
stuff oh sure but we got the same dude
same guy yeah you’re the same dude that
doesn’t always happen that way
i know and then you were
telling me about ray
romano that’s exactly exactly
he’s the same
exact guy he’s always been a
great guy so that’s good to hear
yeah you can keep it together
sure you’re
gonna keep it together i predict
no there’s no use to be all affected do the same
thing yeah you
could have the
right to be some like
affected fucking guy with people around you
it’s a mess
that fucks you up more than
the ego boost is a fake one
if you’re a
smart person you don’t accept it and so you don’t get
a good feeling out of it anyway because you know it’s
ridiculous it’s all
ridiculous bitches
we are in an atomic soup that no one
understands
and it’s been
going back and forth on and
over from the big bang to the end of creation forever
and it’s an endless cycle
and we’ll see you next week
and fleshlight
all at ya boy yeah
fleshlight com
go there and just buy a
bunch of em just jerk off into em and
shoot your loads all over the house
they’re special they’re
good they feel better than beating off you will have
long ball draining orgasms
i highly recommend it also
miami improv
fuck i don’t even know who’s
going down with me
28 29 and 30
and not miami improv i keep saying that
i said that
twice west palm
beach and bigger nicer
you know why i say it because it’s a half an hour from
miami and i’ll
never work the
miami improv ever again
so i’m just terrified
cause it’s right there it’s a half an hour away
it’s the only
place where i was on stage
in the middle of a show and
people were so dumb like i had some joke
where i brought up the word
oscar de la hoya
like brought up his name
and so all of a
sudden this fucking war
broke out in the
crowd we’re
like no fuck you man
sugar shane mosley
fuck mosley
and they started
going back and
forth and yelling out at the top like it’s cafeteria
like who’s the most badass boxer
and it went on for like 30
seconds so these guys were yelling back
standing up doing
these things with
their hands yelling at them
and i just said finally i said i’m
never coming here
again that’s
great i was there at a
woman’s hair caught on fire and she
vomited nice
win what order
what’s that
hair first vomit
second then that
ladies and gentlemen
is the end of the show so
west palm beach improv
28 29 and 30th
you know all that twitter details
i have a lot of
twitter followers as a result to this
do you add me
add me redband
i did i did
he’s talking to all the people out there in the world
i need to get past
taylor fucking vixen
shh brian i
can say that name
you say it three times she’ll show up
oh no give us a
candyman candyman
oh no you didn’t
and on that note folks
we’ll see you next week
ari shafir will be joining us on tuesday
and we’ll see if we can get
brian porsane or someone
on thursday
and that’s it hollige boy
see ya love you bitches
i should have cheated on you