biggie smokes for mayor the rock slayer

the hooker layer

don’t smoke

biggie smokes for mayor

the rock slayer the hooker layer

motherfucker say your prayers hail mary full of grace

smack the bitch in the face take her gucci bag

and i’m gonna face off her back chopper if she act

funny with the money oh you got me mistaken honey

we on now there we go

this is biggie smalls mixed up with led zeppelin

yeah who did this

doesn’t even say

pretty fucking badass

yeah it doesn’t even say who did it

that’s weird

ladies and gentlemen

welcome to the podcast our guest

today is the one and only mr

al madrigal

longtime friend

al and i first

worked together in san francisco at the old old cops

tiny cops hundred

and fifty seaters

even see a hundred

fifty probably two hundred tops tops

we’re squeezing

chairs really

illegally i don’t

think it got all

kinds of fire codes violations let’s say

let’s say two hundred let’s say one

fifty so we don’t get anybody in

trouble but it was a

fucking awesome little club

and then now it’s

like totally different now it’s like this big gigantic

we did new years yeah

first new years remember that

a lot of gigs

a lot of gigs

same after go from

going way back to like what 2000

maybe 2000 i

think something like that yeah

yeah 11 years

i haven’t been doing

i met you when i had just been you know

started to do

stand up comedy

a year in yeah

we worked together at the old cobs

you’re funny back then even yeah

a little fuck

and that it’s

funny because i just

think i just figured it out

i just feel like

my latest stuff has been clearly

how many years you in now

12 years 12

years that’s what they say they say 10 years

takes 10 years for you to become a real comic

yeah you know like by that

about that totally you

know i heard it put

that 20 it takes

seven years to get your law degree

and then another

seven years for you to become a good lawyer so

that’s the same

thing with standout

yeah practicing as

a professional comedian for x amount of years and then

becoming really good at it

finding your own space

finding who the fuck you are without

influence of

other comedians

and actually having your real personality be you on

stage that shit takes a long ass time it really does

especially if you’re distracted if you have

other things

going on oh and it’s easy for also you lose your way

as a stand up and a lot of guys

you know just stop trying

my big pitfalls have always been tv shows

like they’ve been great

you know like news

radio especially

like when i was on news

radio we worked we worked

some serious long

hours so you’re

working and you’re taking away from your

standup you’re not

able to hit the clubs as much as you like i’ve been on

i’ve done six pilots

and two that made it on

the air and so i you know exactly what you’re talking

about because you’re working

every single day and then

we have families yeah

and you gotta

spend time with them

yeah and then

stand up gets

pushed to three

when stand up is usually number one yeah

very hard to justify getting on

stage all the time and for me

i just straight got lazy

cause not only did i did

stand up on the weekends i

would do like

oh shit dare you out magical

the funniest ringtone

oh by the way we’re sponsored by the

flesh yeah by the way that’s a good reason that’s why

that’s who’s calling karma

flashlight calling tell us

no bitch we paid

yeah yeah we are actually sponsored

by the flashlight if you go to joe rogan

net and click the link you get 15

off and and

endorsed it’s fucking good product

have you ever used one buddy no

no one has had sex with that

that’s the butthole version yeah great

touch that it’s

technology man

put your finger in

plastic in real

it’s very realistic

right sure this is

a good product

there’s nothing better for beating off

it’s a commitment you

gotta you know you

gotta go out of your way and say okay i’m

gonna fuck this tube now

with this and the coconut

juice i feel like

i learned two

great things

yeah c2o sent us a

bunch of cases of coconut

juice but i ran out of them sorry c2o

this is amy and

brian’s i had to pay for this

which is really good too they’re all good

right but c2o

gave me some free shit so props

but the the

flashlight if you go

like i said you’ve go to the link

on joe rogan dot net

click it and

enter in the code rogan and you get fifteen percent off

and it’s a good product like i

said keep to

where is it put that lid on

yeah you gotta keep it

fresh i want to get it

dusty with cat hairs and shit man i got cats

yeah so yeah you’re allergic to cats so you might be

that’s the thing is

it hasn’t affected

me yet but there’s a very good chance that i

could completely

lose it and

have to be rushed to the hospital it’s no big deal

i think that the volcano is

gonna bypass all that and put it in

order for you

is it a breathing

thing or is it do you get

swollen breathing eyes

throat closes

oh shit mouth to

mouth resuscitation

might be necessary

in other words he’s a

pussy that’s the

thing that’s what

a large part of my act has become

about allergies

me like talking to a

cholo but i have allergies

no i do like

a couple different stories that i have is a

cholo soccer dad

that i’m talking about and

stuff like that it’s all about me

having allergies in front of

black people

feels my inferior yeah hey

sorry here’s a fascinating

thing that i read

about the h1n1

virus the flu virus

they’re saying now that the people that survived it

the people that got it and survived it they have like

super immune

systems now

and now they don’t get any flows

they don’t get any of the flows it’s like

they think that they may

be able to come up with a universal vaccine for flus

based on the h1n1 wow

based on the

people that survived it

pretty fascinating shit man yeah use em those

a motherfucker of a flu

the thing about

those flus is they’re getting better

they’re getting

stronger they evolve just like

everything else

evolves and when

these assholes take

their fucking

medicine they don’t take it all

especially this is

especially true

about antibiotics

people who get sick and they take antibiotics and

they only take it for like

until they feel better

like say if you’re supposed to take it for 10 days

the bacteria that survive is like

super powerful

antibiotic resistant bacteria so that becomes like this

strain that’s almost impossible to kill

that’s where this

mercy shit comes from

now the people are

dying from these

crazy staff infections it’s because assholes

don’t take their fucking pills

they take like

a percentage of them and then they quit

and they develop this new fucking

super virus because of that

these cunts

so you got to finish all your

medication finish your

medication bitches

you’re not smarter than the scientists who

corolla shit

so what we’re asking

people to do is

use the flashlight

yeah coconut

juice beat off into that shit

just use your

medication take the all of it take all that shit

i’m really bad at that i

admit it i get down to the

last one or two

and yeah shouldn’t do that i’m just as guilty

as anybody else for

humanity for

humanity take that shit

they should give two extra

just so i don’t take this

too oh god they

should treat you like a

child you know what i mean

i’d be bad at

birth control

but yeah they should do

oh you’d be pregnant

yeah i would be totally

knocked out

yeah for sure

abortions all day long

you know they say that a big

supply of pharmaceutical drugs are in the

water supply

there’s not a big

supply but a big percentage

like you know there’s measurable amounts

of everything

everything from antidepressants to

birth control

pills in water

supply yeah

cause people

flush their shit

people flush their

stuff down the toilet

i mean that’s

where your water

supply is coming from a lot of it’s coming from

reconstituted poop

water you know

in some places

right isn’t that

where they get their

water supply

they fucking fix up the poop

water water

doesn’t go anywhere it’s

never gonna die it’s the same water

jesus christ

how much can you fool to filter out

where you’re leaving in the

birth control pills but giving me no poop

you’re sure there’s no poop in this there’s

gotta be some poop in there you fuck

i’d like some poop free water

if the same

water is coming our way

that birth control pills get into

unless i’m ignorant

about how birth control pills get into

water and they’re not being dumped off what

is the amount of

birth pills or

like anything

going into the

water system is that really i mean

large enough to affect it i mean i don’t

know it’s a good question but i

would like zero percent of

birth control pills of diet not even

point zero zero

one there’s no pregnant

water anymore at least

hmm what what

yeah i think you know we got to be real careful

about that shit man you know the idea that

water is 96

of our bodies and it’s the one

thing that we love to

throw things into it’s so fucking stupid

you know we need

water obviously

humans need water

always dumping shit in the

water because it’s so easy

we’re such cunts yeah

i do a lot of like vigilante

dumping whatever

just dumping

oil and shit no or you know

i say i’m guilty because when i see a dumpster near my

house i’m like i

gotta put a fucking that

chair in there

well there’s nothing

wrong with that but i think

all countries in

these companies are actually talking

oh you know like

1 800 junk what

is that yeah

that’s where the coming

they come and get your shit

they’re shipping it to fucking china

where they’re paying for

cheap landfill

so huge huge like a

secret in the

night fucking barges full

of our shit

shows up in

china and there’s a

landfill all over the

place and so

i mean a flushing

pills down there i mean that’s the

least of our

trouble it’s all

these foreign

countries that don’t have any luck

and laws that are just

allowing you to dump and

bury and look

and there’s

toxic waste that we’re

shipping over there it’s horrible

dude china is crazy they

develop some new

eco city it’s fucking fantastical have you seen this

thing no it’s on my twitter

brian have you seen it

it was i posted it someone someone

tweeted it and

i retweeted it it’s pretty fucking amazing

man this is new city that they have that’s like some

it looks like like some

gigantic future

space solar

powered like

greenhouse of a city

it’s like they have

glass domes over

buildings over

buildings it’s

fascinating

sure right around inside look at it yeah

it’s like the simpsons what is the

title of the

article so someone can google if they want to google it

station eco city

in china you

could just type in eco

city in china eco city in

china will find it forget that

first word it’s

amazing world we live in

we can just

do that jin

how fucking cool is that

you can just

type that into a box and just gives you the instant

information instant information instant

we don’t even realize how

crazy that is why is there

college anymore yeah right

just a way to torture you yeah

you to go somewhere and

fuck there’s a commercial on

right now where

they’re doing that you just see family sitting around a

phone and they look over and they see just so be actors

who they don’t know

who exactly it is and

it says his name is so and so and people are just

googling and getting instant information

on the spot

when they need

it and that’s totally what we’re doing my

phone is fantastic it’s amazing that’s when people have

their phones on in comedy shows i say

i realize that’s a

fascinating device

i mean i have

one i fucking look at it all the time and i love it

yeah now’s not

the time to have it so just put it in that’s my

first one do

do you wig out on people that film you

um i make i make them stop

some people are just so blatant

with it they’re like sitting

right in the

front row and they’re

pointing a camera and you filming like just flip

video camera just straight up silly

and i usually

point it out but sometimes people don’t care

yeah you wanna go just

enjoy the fucking moment

enjoy the show i

like everything

doesn’t have to go on youtube i do the

laugh factory and you’re

standing on the stage

and there’s two monitors on the side you’ve done that

close sure and

i sometimes look in the audience

people are watching me on the fucking monitor

yeah it’s like i’m

right here lady

what the fuck

yeah that’s

weird people do that at the

ufc all the time too they watch the

fights on the monitor

yeah it’s in

front of you yeah

i see that i do that sometimes ring side to

catch myself doing that

dude replayed

side guys are

fighting five feet in

front of me and i’m looking at this little

thirteen inch monitor in

front of me

well sometimes you get a better perspective yeah

that’s why i’m doing it

but it’s still

funny that i’m doing it yeah

right there it’s

right there and i’m

watching a tv

yeah that’s ridiculous

i like it on the

ufc just because it’s like the different camera

angles especially when

you get on the ground you can’t see anything on the

floor close yeah

totally yeah

that’s where it’s real confusing too

if you’re in the

stands and you don’t have commentary

like a lot of times you don’t see what guys are

going for you don’t see

how a guy so i’m trying to set something up you know

you just went

out first you

could see right

my very first one was the

las vegas palms

real recently

fox fight spike

night fights

spike fight

fight fight fight

yeah couldn’t get it out

yeah yeah this is the

finals of the ultimate fighter and then they have

jason tebow was around

he also got he got

a ticket from you and he said

closer he was just texting

us constantly saying who’s sitting next to and so

until he was

like really

yeah rampage

rampage was behind them

because i’m in

front of rampage

oh yeah you

couldn’t believe

so he was all

about his location very

funny guy he was like a little kid in a

candy store he

said he was just loving life that was

dressed up he wore a blazer

team with the blazer

and rainbow socks job

teams a good dude yeah

very funny very

funny guy very smart

and he’s been around for a long time and

hilarious frustrating when you know you see god

like that’s not getting anywhere and you like how come

you know what’s going on

yeah what’s happening

why is it war

of our team

famous you know

strange world we live in this comedy world

so when i met

you you’d only been doing it like what two years

even less than that less

than that wow dude i met you in the day son and then

you recommended me for the comedy

story yeah sorry

with it was you and freddy

soto and it’s like oh this is the best

and i go in and

and then we were doing the fridays and saturday

nights there

until everything blew up over there and then

i’ve worked with you

quite a bit

a lot of comedy

store gigs man

yeah and you used to have that

you put in the recorder what i always appreciated

that joe bought a digital recorder not a digital

cd burner for the club

and so i’d go

in there with a cd just constantly on a friday

night and just show up

handle my cd

i have all well i had

three different

things that i bought i

started out with a dat

player a dat

recorder i had

digital audio tape installed there

but the problem with that is that no one had a dat

player yeah

so then i said okay we’ll get mini discs

because that seems like a good format but a problem

was mini disc died out sure so then i

switched it to cd

so so i put

three different

systems in there yeah

the cd and then you had all of like

those live moments that you

never really get on a comedy

album yeah i’ll record it

at the comedy

store yeah it was perfect yeah

well you know it’s just like

we needed to have it there and

there was a

budget issue

yeah there’s

at least the comedy

store appreciated

after you did all these nice

well mitzi did

the real comedy store did

you know that

was that was

where my loyalty was in the

first place now they

put it in a

kitchen over there

yeah good good good

place to get food poisoning

20 years too late

what the fuck

you know how many how much

money they lost for not having

just not chose

yeah but you know what dude is the comedy

story this was supposed to be

it the real

issue there was that they stopped

nurturing good comedy and they had a lot of this

the issues that

alan i were talking

about right before the show

that he’s dealing with there right now

they don’t have the

right intentions

they don’t have they’re not looking out for comedy

they’re not even looking

out for the club anymore they’re just looking out for

short dollars they’re looking out for what’s

gonna work and what’s

gonna get the

money right now yeah

it’s tough because i really i mean on

those friday and saturdays i remember

those i honestly

want some of the best

nights you were there for all of those

some of the best nights

that i’ve ever had as a

comic that place

packed and it’s like that old cops you were talking

about when you get that

150 to 200 seater

really packed it’s that’s a

great that was

a fun gig man because when i was doing fear factor

i i couldn’t really travel

and so i just set up shop at the comedy

store and i set it up so that

i paid for everything i paid for the

sound system

i did i advertised

everything on myspace i

never asked for a time

pack the place

every weekend and work totally for free

yeah and when that was happening man

that was like

the most fun time ever for comedy for me you know

we had some good times in that

crazy weekends

crazy weekends

at least 10 times

i bought the entire audience’s

shots oh yeah that’s

crazy at least

about times remember that the

whole audience

had shots whenever i

would kick somebody out

i would go look

i know that we just went through this douchey

moment together but we can change this we can get out

of this feeling i know this feels terrible we had some

drunk assholes yelling

things and they got kicked out

and everybody feels

weird like what the fuck man

you know and there’s a few people

going well they paid to you know it’s just stop

those are douchebags

right let’s

we’re not douchebags we’re

gonna change all this shit

so i would like to buy you guys a

drink everybody and

and you know kind of

bring the mood back and everybody

would cheer

and we’d all wait i

would say that’s the one

thing that we

gotta wait we

gotta wait and everybody waited man

every time we

never had an

issue with people

drinking their shots

early the waitresses they hustled they came

back and forth they had to do like fucking 10 15 trips

you know with big trays full of shots

but we gave shots to everybody that wanted them yeah

probably a few alcoholics fell off the wagon

but you guys

were like well fuck it man he’s giving me a shot

i don’t want to be a dick and

next thing he’s

blacked out with his

pants down you know

a lot of people

shots for everybody but

that was a shitload

of people yeah

it was thousands of dollars

every time it wasn’t shots

for everybody and there was 10 people there in the bar

and that’s what

shots for everybody in a big fucking room

but it was you know and

it worked though it totally restored the vibe because

first of all everybody knew that i was paying for it so

you know it was

gonna cost real money

and you know

and it was just

all for the vibe to fix it

cause we can

you know all that was the

whole attitude

about it and that

should be the

attitude of comedy you know it’s supposed to be

it’s about getting into it and

finding you know finding what’s fucking fun

about and taking everybody to what’s fun

you know and when you

you have an opportunity to correct the vibe of the room

you know if

you can do it like that that’s really what it’s all

about right

now you said you had

used to do a podcast like

five years ago when the podcast

first came out and

those were really big back in the day and they

kinda died and it was there

yeah there was like a podcast

you know it was four years ago i don’t even know what

you know your own podcast

is called i did 17 episodes that’s a lot

you think it’s a lot of

did a tv show 1994

only did six episodes yeah

i could tell you a lot about it it was um

it was we had sort of

many names for the thing but it was the

i would did it with

peter miriad a comedy writer and so it was just

he’s half mexican and i’m half mexican

and it was to

combine fulton

together you’re

one mexican together we are one mexican

that would be a good name for it together one mexican

together we are one mexican and we

still don’t speak spanish

you don’t speak anything no not really it’s horrible

beers must get mad at you yeah it’s

just like the allergies put me

it’s in i’m in a

weird spot with the big guy with the laker jersey

the big guys at the

lakers you know and that’s my problem also was that the

in la they segment you when

i was working with joe in san francisco when we first

started i didn’t even know i was a latino

comic i was just a

comic and then you

moved down to la

and immediately i got put in this hbo aspen

comedy thing

where it was me jeff garcia

freddy’s soda willy barseno

all these young

guys together

billy get on the bus babe

and they gave me a

tin of red hots they brought me a

tin of red hots

and they said this is for you says hbo

latino on it and this guy mateo comes up and goes

my name is mateo can i interview you in spanish

you know and shit like that i was like

yeah you can fucking try

it’s not gonna work out mateo

i don’t know why i’m not a

latino comic

i’m just a fucking

comic and i went to my friend

becky pedago

i was like they give you a hat

and they give me fucking red hot fuck

i’m not with these guys and i looked at her i

swear to god i’m not with these guys i said i said

i looked at her and i go i’m a mexican comedian

i swear to god

and i was like i just

learned it oh no look

when i came

on here and so i did the sets

and that’s weird for me because

you know it’s just like you sort of get put in that

group and they all sort

of make funny i did

new years did

they make fun of you like the real mexican

comics where

they’re like i remember walking up to you know how

those comedy

break dance circles form

where it’s just a comedy

like a group of

comics standing in a circle

right right

right and i do see to

tv the latino comedy festival

on you know tv show for ctv is shitty

you know wanna be english

speaking latino station i think

still exists

and it’s really tiny at the time so they’re doing

stand up and i sent

them there with

it’s got rick uterras and all

these mexican comics

and they’re talking

about how him and gabriel

live together and they don’t

go on the road they go on they’re on the road so much

that no one’s ever at

their house

and i look at them and i go wow

let’s have a lot of dead plants

and then and then

the guy looks at me because we don’t have any plans bro

what are you talking

about we don’t have any plan

what the fuck no plans

that’s how i feel like around all

these guys i got made fun of every night over new years

by a comic that i was supposed to co headline with i’ll

never do another latino show again

you got made fun of yeah which was a

co headline

who is fucking willie

willie by sending me funny

well i didn’t

think he was making fun of me but we had a conversation

about it i felt like he was just

he kept bringing up my name like saying

and he actually said this at one point he goes

i don’t want my kids to grow up like i’ll you know

like all scared

whoa like that was talking you know about me

you know and doing the

whole my name is al madrigal and i’m a latino

like okay i fucking get it

i talk about myself and i’m

self deprecating

so we’re doing the new year’s

countdown and

he was off on his time

he started trying to do the countdown

five minutes early

everybody has fucking cell phones they call him on

you know they’re like no it’s not it what are you doing

and so he has to wait

and then he yells

to the back of the room to the manager at the sack

punch he goes you trying to humiliate me bro

up here on stage

and i grabbed the back mic

flipped it on really

quick and i go

what’s the matter willie

don’t like being humiliated on stage

is that fucking get to you

like and he’s like this badass

he’s like an east la

street fighter that

killed people

and then he goes we had a problem baroni

i love willy and i go look willy

and i made him understand i go i get just as

angry as you do

but i don’t have the fighting ability

do you understand me here i go

i’m just as fired up as

you’ve killed guys

you know and fucking annihilated people

and i don’t have the ability to do that

but i still feel fucking angry as shit

so you got angry at him saying that you were scared

just talking shit about you i just don’t like what any

comic brings up to your next comic before them and

starts really fucking referring to somebody you know

and derogatory

yeah i was using me as an example of

what if you were really good friends

with them and you were joking around with them like

i have friends and they go on

after each other and joke around

about each other

yeah you know

like joey will go on

after ari and and

you know and talk

about ari being a jew

you know but how well the little

guys know each other

yeah real good real good i always make fun of joey

you know yeah

you know but it’s like

oh no i’m just

then it’s all

about the relationship i

totally yeah so

your relationship

is it’s more like he’s actually mocking you it’s

really funny i want my kids

grow up like you all scared at montreal

in two thousand two and i’ve told him this

story we’ve talked

about it and i walked out to when i

was the only other non

why you know like he’s only

latino guy there

and i don’t know anybody and i wait so i go hey willie

how you doing nice to meet you al madrigal

he looks at me goes

you don’t even say your own last name right bro

like it just

wow i know he’s

supposed to say it

like madrigal

really could you imagine if

you really did that though and rolled your tongue and

everything you’d be

committed to

every other word exactly

just do it for that yeah

yeah just roll the name and not

well when i was in college you went to

tijuana what

what oh excuse me

tijuana yeah you

gotta commit

when i when i do the

weigh ins and i have to pronounce dudes names i

have to decide whether or not i want to commit to that

super spanish way of saying things

you know and there’s a lot of mexicans in ufc

right i mean sure yeah yeah

it’s the correct way to say it

but it’s like you know like

montreal is how we say it but they say montreal

they say montreal yeah

so really you

should say montreal

like who the fuck are you to say montreal

that’s not their city i

used to get

pissed that when people say frisco

and shit like that no

did san francisco like

stuck in for you really like

touchy oh same

friend that’s

you get used to get pissed at

them calling it sam oh no no no i’m just saying it’s a

native do you prefer

faggotville yeah i do

what is the most derogatory

name to the

no i’m just saying

when you’re calling it the

wrong thing and you’re a

local you know

i mean we’re not no one’s

expected to

pronounce it by the way i’m not saying faggot

anymore i just had

a retirement

it wasn’t even i just

is an example oh i

tried that thing that’s someone else

yeah yeah i totally stopped saying faggot

did you hear that toronto

is censoring

the mark knopfler song the dire

straits song

what is that song

the rock star song

what is that fucking song

god damn it who’s dire strait you don’t know who dire

strait is of course

money for nothing

money for nothing and chicks for free

right because it’s got that song has the word faggot

in it three times

oh that you little faggot

with his own jet airplane

that little faggot he’s a millionaire yeah i forgot

about that that shit was on the radio

so just uh yeah so

they’ve decided

well no was in toronto’s in the newspaper in toronto

and you know they’ve decided i

guess in canada to

start censoring that song

at least in canada

i mean i don’t know if they do in america i’m sure

they play it on

class of rock

it’s tricky man because i mean that is a gay

that’s a gay slur

and it’s on a major song

that’s on the tv that was a very popular

song remember that was one

of the first

music videos

yeah it was on tv yeah it was like 3d animation i don’t

think it was a

faggot on the

yes they did yeah

on the popular version

absolutely on the

television version on the

radio version well we

could look up the

mtv video right now yeah let’s look up the internet

yeah let’s not listen to

it though because it’s really not that good no no no no

you know they had some killer

songs but that wasn’t one of them that was just that

was one of the

old videos where they had like neon

flashing in the

background and

small it’s like poorly yeah

you know it’s dope

roller girl you ever

heard that song roller girl from dire

straits no but

pull that up from boogie nights

mmm you like that shit

apparently that

bitch is crazy

oh she just did the hangover

yeah yeah oh that’s

right she was a hooker yeah okay

that’s a good role

yeah i heard she’s off the charts crazy

love people

like that just like knowing they’re out there

dire straits fine

do they have it skate away

dire straight skate away could be it yeah skate away

and so

skate away didn’t we say roller girl yeah this is it

this is a song from my childhood man this is

i mean i might have been like fucking 13 or

12 or some shit when this song was out

they’re brilliant musicians man

it’s like it’s a different kind of rock and roll

they were really big too it’s not like this is some

no they were huge they were huge they were huge

but i was in high

school dire straits with gigantic that was

it’s cool video is that a walkman she has a giant man

biggest walkman

same old cruise in the curbside crawl

let’s play

yeah

i really feeling this song are you guys yes

love it you

how dare you that

girl needs to

skate away from me she’s ugly she’s living in nineteen

seventy nine

dude didn’t even didn’t have makeup back then

these to dress themselves up with flowers

clown makeup

it looks like

you know she used to have to wait around

this is a window to another

world bro this is a different era that’s how

crazy this fucking world is evolving and how quickly

look at that big stupid walkman she’s got on

you know her

giant stupid headsets although

stupid headsets big ones like we’re wearing right now

they’ve made a comeback yeah because of

those beats dr dre yeah

everybody wants to pretend they’re a fucking dj

yeah you know i’m gonna get a real good

sample of this

music i’m saying i need full

coverage of my ears i’m saying

like i gotta hear the whole song i hear the

dirty shit in the background i got the bows

cancel yeah

those are dope yeah

yeah the beats ones i have those they cancel the noise

it’s nice i like how rap battles have

moved on to

headphones now because it’s like you got the dr dre

ones now and i

think 50 cent

has luda luda just came out with his

own shit why not

everybody share

their own headphones

yeah i want my own headphones that’ll be cool yeah

i think it’s an easy

little alien logo on the headphones you can

smoke em when

you’re done listening

yeah right we could

store a stash like

there’s an extra

battery area

to the show

would have a set of

those joe rogan

headphones that

would be weird that

would be step one of the cult

step one step two purple nikes step three

alien logo tattooed somewhere in your body step four

trying to empty

step five you embrace twitter

out of are you

are you addicted to it

you know what

i read a lot more than

i post just you like

someone’s a lurker

i’m not that much of a lurk

so tell me this

problem that you’re having at the comedy

store they were talking about

well you know it’s

i guess when you stay in one

place for too long you sort

of it’s with your job or with anything else you just

start to realize that the people if you start

associating with the same people over and over

again sometimes you need to get a little negative

yeah there’s always been a real negative vibe there and

but the stage time is amazing

and we just were talking

about it’s like running with weights on

yeah that’s what we’re talking

about we had some great times there

definitely working out there is

harder than working out anywhere else yeah i

think blaine compass

is a very funny comedian said

if this was if comedy codes were a video game

then the comedy

store would be one of the hardest

levels boss

level boss level and

then you’d go like a la factory improv

and then when you get down easy

would be like the ucb

and all those

things because they’re very very supportive and like

smart and everyone’s paying attention

and at the comedy

store i have russian guys yelling out at you constantly

yeah but you know what though

the sad part

about that store is when it reveals its

true side when someone goes up who’s not good and kills

someone goes up with some really dumb hacky shit when

they destroy that’s

when you go

oh you guys aren’t cool

you’re just in the dark

that’s what i was talking you’re just

dummies in the dark

sort of makes you feel bad

about yourself when you go up and you

think you had a good set

and then just the worst

comic in the

world goes up

fucking two three

after you and just murders well you know

that’s a symptom of what you were talking

about with like the

ucb well the

ucp is very well organized

they’ve got a very

clear ethic

they’re trying to

put out good

art they’re trying to put out good comedy to support it

it’s like it’s very obvious what they’re up to

and so because of that that’s the kind of

crowd they attract

the comedy store is just people are just walking by

you know and they’ve

heard the name

and they stumble in and they don’t know any better or

they know who’s the advertised you

know or it could be hey i’ll

magical put it on twitter he’s

gonna be the comedy

store tonight let’s go down and

check it out but

you get such a hodgepodge it is

it is like a vortex of

crazy people for whatever reason

crazy people are

drawn to that spot

like i don’t

wanna believe in energy i don’t

wanna believe in any of that fucking crystal sucking

astrological bullshit

i don’t wanna believe in that i

wanna take things on face

value but if

ever there was a fucking there was some evidence

for a place having like

crazy energy and having like a weird

attraction to it

that fucking comedy

store was that man i’m the same way i feel like

i don’t believe in any of that crap

but if there was ever a

place for that

to exist it

would have to be something

weird just happened yeah maybe its

effects are over exaggerated like it’s not the

only you can’t only have shitty times at a

place like that but

you know when you find out the history of that

place and you know

it was bugsy seagulls nightclub

back in the

prohibition

days yeah we’re still

heroes yeah they yeah

who said that eliza

yeah schlesinger

so they were doing abortions in the basement

but we always get in the subject

about how fucking

crazy that place is and how

creepy it is but they kill people there for sure and

maybe there’s like a little shred of that is

still in the room it’s no

funny bone you

know corporate

like comedy

club that’s a little bit different than

those yeah there’s no

animated microphone

with another microphone

standing in the back yeah

showing you who’s coming up next week and

that’s the other

thing when you get used to being in

other clubs

get used to like working for the improv

and you see how fucking organized they are

you know and they have posters of guys that are

gonna be there

next week and you know with supporting acts and they

show times and they have a you know online

where you can buy tickets it’s all in the poster

and they’re just like way in advance

you go to the

store there’s a piece of

paper that fucking

tommy’s got

spilled coffee on

you know and has everybody’s name written on it

you know and

if you call in and you ask oh who’s up tonight like

um um who’s up

where’s the fucking list

um it’s like

nobody nobody knows what’s

going on yeah

cock snail too

but at one point in

time yeah he wants to know if you’re sucking cocks too

he said he asked

brian brian

sucking cocks yeah i get off

stage and he goes

you sucking cock snail too

fucking work

for joe rogan

fucking just

went off on me

i had like a good set and i get off stage

tommy and he just

goes crazy on me just saying i was gay and i was

using the comedy

store and i was a spy and

sucking dicks and

fucking not that’s the guy

crazy get off

stage and ask

and suck dicks yeah

well what’s

funny is i’ve been

greeted like that ever

i know it’s bad and what sucked is like a cool

what’s funny is i got off

stage and i was just feeling so

happy and good

and then when he did that to me i was like oh

why are you

doing this to me he buzz

killed you dude he buzz killed you yeah but

after talking to a lot of comics i

guess that’s just what

he does and he’s trying to

scare you and the

thing so he’s

using intimidation

tactics yeah yeah

she just swung on him

when a dude does that

you just swung on him and you put your dick in his face

i just pull your dick out you hold him down you

pull your dick out and just rub it all over his face go

don’t you ever

fucking do that to me again

i have thoughts like that

constantly that’s what makes me sort of danger i just

gotta go in gotta

develop a good amount

i just gotta go and do my job and get the

fuck out i’m

talking about rubbing your dick on his face no

yeah well there’s a lot of negative energy in that

place you know

what you were talking

about before that you don’t want to talk

about obviously

there’s a new comedy thief

in at the comedy store

and a guy that got kicked out of the ha ha

cafe and he’s another one of

these guys that’s blatantly on purpose

looking to steal people’s material and use it

but i have to be very clear and

i don’t even want to get involved i don’t

care we don’t have to

bring the guy’s name up we don’t have

to bring his name

that’s not the issue

what i was talking

about was how the club

justified it

and now they they actually told you when you brought

the guy’s name up that he’s not bad looking on the eyes

yeah that’s actually atomic well

right yeah yeah

whoopsies sorry

yeah this is what he said to me

so you’re a

comic now and

i said yeah i try any guys you working for joe grogan

still yeah i

still work for

him you suck cock now too what and then i

go together if you do repeat that

you work for jewelry

you suck and

brian said yeah

i said yeah i suck two cocks and then

two three four cocks

and then five times

and then he

goes you come with me at this criticism you go on

stage and you work for that phony fuck

and it’s just like what

where is this

coming from why many

they just really took the

wrong sides and this old thing is

about them making the

wrong choices

you know just throughout

look they give me a lot of

stay it’s negative energy

man that’s why they have to do it they’re sucked into

their own suck

but then i got my

ankle weights and i want to go i can wear

you don’t have to though

it’s not necessary i you know i my act got

a lot better soon as i stopped being there i got less

angry and i

think some of my

like comedy was being formed

by the energy in that place

there’s a lot of

great things

about that place but

it’s also it’s dark i love hanging out there

i love it just because the people

other than that if they all hung out at fucking waffle

house i would be there

brian you remember that time we were

filming and that hooker came back and just wanted to

start talking to us

about the business

and how she meets guys and how she sets it up

it was pretty

crazy man out of nowhere

this girl just

she came up to us

and she seemed

you know like fairly normal

right yeah she didn’t seem totally crazy

you know she was just

having a good time like everybody else

then she starts talking

about being a hooker

yeah that’s

crazy i run into hookers a lot more

often than i thought it

would ever run into hookers just like

talk they just come up and

start talking to it and they

act normal and they don’t say that they’re a hooker you

think oh this girl’s talking to me

nice and then

suddenly she slips in and she’s a hooker and then

sneaky little hooker

think of the

world think the

world that you

travel in though you

travel in a very interesting

world i mean if you looked at

your life from any

other part of the

world you know

you take some guy from idaho and say hey i’m

gonna i’m gonna hang out with this guy what are you

gonna do today

well i’m gonna hang out

with this girl she’s a penthouse pet of the year we’re

gonna go to this porn awards party

and then we’re

gonna go to the improv

where there’s a naughty show and a

bunch of porn stars are

gonna go up

and then i’m

gonna hang out with some

stand up comedian friends of mine and we’re gonna

smoke a lot of pot

everybody what

the fuck is

this is your life i

wanna go this is

crazy man you wonder if i tag

along i should

go instead of

going to college i guess

yes then you

be out of work sort of do look into your life and

music how did i end up yeah

but that’s why there’s so many hookers in your life as

well i tell you

you’re traveling in strange circles definitely

hooker material

not there’s anything

wrong with being a hooker man

buddy mine was talking to me

about this thai massage

place that he goes to

and they give

you a real thai massage and then they jerk you off

and he talked

about it like

like it was the

greatest meal

you know like i

would talk to you

about like a certain

steakhouse that

knows exactly how to fucking cook a good

piece of meat

when you cut

into that medium rare and the outside is just crispy

but the inside is

juicy and delicious and warm and the fucking

blood from the meat just fires up your synapses

that’s how this guy talked

about getting jerked off by this thai lady

he was talking

about like it’s the most amazing thing

he goes somebody told me to go to this

place i didn’t

think you know like that it was that kind of

place cause it looked like a real place

and he goes and i go in there

i’m going well obviously i’m not

gonna pull my

pants down because this is a legit

place i’m getting a real massage

like they’re giving them a real massage

they’re stretching them out

they’re rubbing them down

elbows in muscles loosening all that

things like i’m getting

legit massages

no way the same

broads jerking me off

and then at the end

after like 40 minutes of that she’s like

so does that

feel good to you and he’s like get the fuck out of here

this is a fantasy

she starts rubbing his leg yeah

you know do you want

anything more do you want anything more and the next

thing you know she glances over his dick and

he arches his back towards her hand as she

glances over his dick and then she just gets that the

green light

she gets a hold of it pulls out the lotion

starts rubbing his balls jerks them off bam done

it’s like 40 bucks

wow i’ve got

holy shit chick turned to me i was just

you know she’s

gonna ask you if you want to you know

extra parts because a lot of them have

you charge more

you know like so

she looks me she goes

leans in and goes

do you want me to make

banana cry whoa oh

what do you fucking say to me

banana feels bad

about himself just being in here banana cry

so she offered yeah

offered banana cry

and you said no

well you know

since having

yeah my daughter sort of

spoiled me for a lot of fucking

yeah porn right

a little bit

yeah me a lot

strip clubs porn all that

should be said

anymore no it’s not i mean it used to be

it used to be a lot of

time i’d be there before you have

babies you look at them

and i used to look at them as

this is a really hot

check like wow look at that body look at that ass

now i go why is she dancing probably

cause her dad

didn’t love him

yeah and i’m

gonna love my

daughter fuck i’m

gonna be a better dad

yeah i’m trying

also yeah you really seem

and also the germ factor and shit too like

these chicks

are rubbing up on fucking all

these dudes i can’t

when i go to a

if they try to put you in a comedy condo

i would start

i won’t allow it because i

start thinking

about fucking mark curry

rub one out on the couch

mark curry why mark

are you hanging with mr cool dude

and you look at the lineup and

you go oh my god that guy was fucking here mark curry

would be the

least my worst

he’s a cool dude

yeah no i love mark

curry but i’m just using his

example of somebody just

randomly in i

would go with

barry diamond

barry diamond just

loads all over the

couch applying

tanning cream

he didn’t have a

what’s this dark fucking mahogany looking dick

cause he never he

never has lotion and so he has to use tanning lotion

and he just says orange his dick is like a giant carrot

oompa loompa orange like a really dirty carrot

dirty carrot

yeah there’s always that one dude

that you know i’m

surprised there’s not

more comedy porno i

think i know

there is some of it but i don’t know how many people

wanna watch it but i’m surprised

like comics

mixed comedy and porno together yeah

well you know what’s his face

thomas ward who does a fantastic

bill cosby bill cosby

was in a couple of porns

right cosby type

where he didn’t

bang anybody but you know

he does his

acting in the

background thomas

ward is another one man i got that guy

introduced that guy to my manager

many many years ago

because i was

like this kid has got something he’s like real raw

and he’s got a good way of looking at

things and he’s fucking just a natural on stage

but for whatever reason

just happened

didn’t didn’t

click with him yeah

you know colleges

so goddamn tricky yeah

you know it’s like you picked the

wrong wave you’re not in the

right mindset

you know you’re not

you can never really get your life in

order whatever the fuck it is that

keeps you from getting it right

there’s a lot of guys that we know

you know holtzman’s name

comes up all the time yeah but it’s like you’re just

allowing yourself not to get distracted

just staying on

point you know

holzman’s kind of job that he works i

think he was a

mechanic for

aircraft at some point

yeah and so he’s got all these

other life distractions and you got to be fucking on it

if you wanna go get something you

gotta be on it 100

and that’s it and i

think these guys are half ass

and if they got themselves to a position of comfort

see that’s what happens with any sort of fucking

dream is you get yourself to a

point you’re like oh you

start sacrificing

it by compromising and you go oh i don’t really need

fucking that

i’m happy with this and you get just richard

reach the point

where you settled

you know you don’t give a shit anymore

so just like i’m cool with this this is a

great life right here

i can just fucking stop trying and i got this and

that’s totally what i did man yeah when i was on news

radio did i i didn’t

write anything

and here’s one reason one of the

things that turned it around

i did sets and when i

would do these sets i would

basically do the same

fucking material

that i had had for years and years and years before

i would just go up on the weekends because it was

easy because it was something to do you know i

had this tv show

so i was doing the tv show all the time in the weekends

i’d only been

in la a year i didn’t really know that many people so

my social life was

going to the comedy clubs

so i would go up and i

would just do

the same act pretty much just over and over and over

again nobody knew who i was

i didn’t have any responsibility i didn’t have

any fans i had no responsibility to give them new shit

and i lost my feeling for it

like it wasn’t real anymore to me

i wasn’t in the comedy

mode for real

because i was just reiterating the same shit

and a few writers from the tv

show from newsradio came to see me at the comedy store

and i had a really late night set

it was really late

night in the main room

when you have

those late nights at the main room

the energy just gets sucked out of the room

where there’s nothing

and i went on like next to last and i ate a dick

i just was i felt like

while i was saying it that what i was saying was

stupid and it just felt

empty to me i could feel

reciting the words yeah i

could feel them feeling bad for me

i could feel them

judging me and not liking what they see i just did not

have it i just wasn’t in the groove and then i realized

i’m like slacking like i’m not really

writing i’m not really performing i’m putting any

effort into it for over a year

for maybe it

might have been two years

over a year at

least i just

would go up and do the same fucking

tired shit over and over again

but that bad set

made me completely refocus and then like within a year

i did my first cd

because i just

started going

crazy then i

would go to

stand up i would do it

every night i was doing it every

night i was doing it at the la factory and the improv

and i was just trying to get in as many sets as i

could and write as much new shit as i

could i just realized like you can’t

just keep doing this anymore at some

point that goes off and then you’re just trying to

i also try to

work new stuff in constantly

i’m always adding just little

chunks here and there

not even a whole

new bit but just adding to the old shit that i have

right and always growing and

evolving that’s

why i have a hard time putting out bits too quickly

like if you do something and then you know

you put it out you put out like a dvd

and the next year you want to do another one like louis

ck’s doing which is

you know really

super ambitious but in my

like what’s in my career like the

things that

i’ve done they’ve always gotten way way way better

as i kept doing them like over a long period of time

and sort of completely

tweaked them

and got them to the

place where

you know i have just the

right punch lines in the

right places the

right setup

the right think

about the right

material to do before you do it you know yeah i got an

album that i just put out and

i felt exactly the same way when i locked it

you’re like oh shit

and a couple

jokes i’m trying just not to do any of that

stuff anymore so i won’t feel bad

about it right and just put it away

but yeah once i do it yeah i

think that’s how you have to do it

bill bird on this

bill bird does that

what does he do he once he does it on tv or on an

album it goes bye bye

and just starts

fresh well that’s the louis cqa

too that’s what

louis’s doing

you know and i think

i think you have to do that

if you really want

to keep moving there’s no way you can just do the same

thing for it i’ll do a few bits of

people call them out like when i do a q amp a sometimes

especially for

about a couple of cocktails

and i’m prey on it but

you know that’s

the hardest

part of our comedy is just to keep that momentum

going and keep finding out new and interesting

things to talk about

yeah you know

now it’s tough

to you know just let

go no way if

it’s so hard to stay

like grow attached to some bits to yeah

yeah man there’s

some good one i

fucking love

my bit about

tigers fucking

i used to love doing it

i still love

everything about it was my my favorite bit of all time

but like all of them

put those bitches aside

there’s gotta be shit

sorry make the

tough decision

put it behind you

we’re talking

about how bill bird just

every single time he does something on tv

or on an album goes

gone just because

starts fresh

completely yeah

that’s the that’s the george carlin way

you know george carlin

style of doing comedy louis ck

adopted it and bill burrs pretty much doing it too

you know it’s the way to do it

just keep him keep

pounding out shit

just very hard to do when you’re doing

other things as well yeah that’s what we’re talking

about earlier

when you do a

tv show and you’re working a lot

and then cranking out i mean it’s hard to you

gotta sleep

and shit too

yeah would you recommend comedy to people like

if your child wants to be a comic

would you say hey

i would recommend comedy

or would you

scare people away it’s hard my son was already

asked what he

wants to be when he grows up and he looked at

a group of people and he goes

i just want to tell jokes

why wouldn’t you recommend one of the

great jobs of all time

i mean i get to write i’ve written for a couple of

other people you know and just i have a great time just

doing what i’m doing you

seem to think that you wouldn’t brian

you know what you’re saying well

i don’t know if i

would or wouldn’t

i do see just being in it how competitive

it is and how it really is hard to get to a certain

point of where you can survive

like higher up than

the normal comic

there’s so many really good

comics but they seem like they all get to a certain

level and then they kind of balance off you

know where yeah they’re making

money and stuff but a lot of them are

still kind of struggling here and there

but it seems like it’s really hard to get to the next

level where you’re just like

you know use the baseball

analogy or any pro football or anything like that any

sporting thing

is like you know certain amount of people get just

certain distance in the you know there’s

levels of professional

and people just

climb up that

level of professional

there’s a lot of different

things to think

about because it’s not just being a comedian

and being funny it’s also the

marketing of yourself

which is very

alien from the creative aspect of

stand up comedy

so it’s real tricky

like what gets you to the next

levels a lot of times

has nothing to do with your proficiency as a comedian

right you know there’s a lot of comedians

that we know of that you know they’re really good

they’re really

solid but for whatever reason they

never enter into the oh you’re talking

about brian

holzman yeah

for example the zeitgeist

never accepts them for whatever reason nothing

you know they

never figure out how to get

promoted correctly

and also they

sabotage your own career i mean

did you hear i remember i don’t even know if i have the

story right but holtzman

jumping in martin lawrence came in the audience and

holtzman had people there to see him it was a big deal

and he was finally

gonna get a shot

and then martin lawrence’s

bouncer came in and said something and yeah i guess

holzman just

looks and says fuck it and just jumps in and

i guess the

bouncer just knocks him

right out and fucking

flattens him

right in front of all

these people yeah

i think what was was martin lawrence was

heckling yeah

wow and brian

holzman was on

stage and martin lawrence was

heckling and martin lawrence went offstage and was good

saying ladies gentlemen this is martin lawrence can

you believe this i’m getting hecked by martin lawrence

and the bouncer gets up and

punches him are you

serious serious yeah

he can’t too

close to like

that yeah he has

stuff like that happens that

sucks i wish

tom leto would have

taken off if he had been around

agents and managers and

stuff too that’s the

other thing about the

store no one’s

going there to hang out because they have to pay

if you go to the improv

everybody gets in free

managers agents they’re all hanging out there

it used to be an

issue to try to get people to come and

put them on the list to come see people

you know it’d be hard people couldn’t just

you know couldn’t show

up hey a mic from ibm can we come in and see the show

yeah sure 20

bucks each bitch

when you’re saying

about the marketing

thing it’s also it’s

that book that

malcolm gladwell book the outliers you ever see that

where it’s very good

but it talks

about people not being able to express themselves like

there was a story of a

genius this kid was just i mean he went to iowa

state but his mom didn’t turn in his

paperwork they were just sort

of dumb about

speaking to people

and this kid was there and didn’t go talk to anybody

clearly they wanted him at the

school and what are

gonna keep him at the school

all he had to do was know to go and talk to somebody or

like people are just

socially unable

and how he didn’t talk

to anybody so

school and he

does you know he’s a manager somewhere does

this kid has

the guy has the man has the highest iq

almost imaginable

well there was some guy that got tested

for the highest iq ever

in america and he was a

bouncer he was a

bouncer in long island or something like that

and it was really

weird man cause he was

like really kind of full of himself a bit and like we

would talk about

things he would talk

about things like really pompous

and you’re just

gonna go hey back the fuck up you’re a

bouncer dude like

if you’re so

smart and fucking

smug about everything

what are you out there

swimming in the

human condition

every day as a bouncer

getting to know the dark side of humanity

are you a fucking charles bukowski poet type character

or are you the

smartest man in the

world cause something there’s a

disconnect there fella

you know you’re living

life like a dummy

not not that

bouncers are

dummies i know a lot of guys that are

bouncers like him and

they guys good job

a lot of power and

bouncers yeah you get

power and you do don’t do shit

yeah but i mean why

would you do that if you’re a fucking

super genius and you’re like

forty all right you know it’s not like he’s some

twenty year old kid paying for his college education

need some money on the weekends no

fucking forty year old

genius character working as a

bouncer okay

his services

should be used

elsewhere totally like if he’s that fucking

smart like that’s getting working on

your socially there’s the needs

social intelligence

needs to be

factored into the

whole idea of intelligence

you know your iq does not include your ability to

fucking maneuver around

human beings that’s exactly what they’re talking

about and then a

similar kid with a big upgrade you know

really wealthy upbringing that had the same iq

went you know that many times further

in his life and became just great

you know i had a friend

when i was living in new york who was a pool hustler

and he was a brilliant guy

not just socially he’s like he had

a brilliant mathematical mind as well but he was the

first guy that i had ever met socially

that would look for traits

in someone look for

things that people are doing look for ego things

he could do

impressions of people like really good

impressions of them they

wouldn’t sound like the person but it

would be exactly the type of shit that that person

would say because he’s always

analyzing people’s

personalities and looking for weaknesses

i did not know

until i met

this guy that people were out there that did that that

would look for a weakness

in your game look for weakness in how you talk

look for a weakness in how you behave

and then they find that little spot and that’s

where they start picking you

start picking on whatever got you to say that in the

first place

whatever got you to

stand up for

yourself whatever got you to make an excuse

about something that happened

yeah it was kind of sick that day normally that

would never go

down like that oh really yeah normally you’re the best

right the best ever

like you would just find the spot find whatever it was

and just start picking

his opportunity

yeah they’re out there man fuck yeah they’re

out there man but that’s a lot of what comedy is too

it’s finding that little that little spot

seeing that little

thing that other people

might not have saw

now it’s and then also

getting that out and reflecting that in a creative way

that it has not really been done before

you don’t want to

fucking go regurgitate some of the old yeah

tired shit i know so it

it’s also like there’s a couple rules in

place where not only have you had that thought and

found that opportunity but now you’ve

got to put this through this filtering process to

determine whether

or not it’s okay to fucking make it up on stage

and then there’s the saying it the right way and

you know figuring out the best

economy of words

there’s like a lyrical aspect to it at that

point so now you’re fucking

putting shit together like

you know i try to do that a lot

in my act when i’m talking about actually

tell that whole banana cry story

on stage as a bit

and leading into it and i said this by

the way i don’t believe that you didn’t get jerked off

just want you to know i love you but

i’m maria keep saying what you said you don’t have

to say anything keep going

okay go ahead so

the banana cry

lady i goes this is not the

first time i

found myself in english as the

second language sexy talk situation

you know and so i say shit like that so this

has to come out like it can

be lyrical at the same time you can use alliteration

and fuck around with it from there so then you

gotta put it through all

these steps and then it finally makes it out

and that’s why they’re

tough to give up

yeah i know

they’re like

babies hard yeah

they like your

babies man so

when she get good at them and get them all tight

and you know exactly how to hit them and they have all

these fucking

punch lines one

after the other

bang bang bang bang bang bang

you know that was the boston

style of comedy to boston

the the best guys for whatever reason

didn’t really

write new material

they just had a gang of

stuff that was

so devastating

yeah like if you want there’s

still guys like

that you just go out and just they’re just

crushing yeah

yeah there’s guys like that

it’s hard to do now though

because of the internet it’s just not the same thing

you know when people and

these guys didn’t have cds out so

people couldn’t go and replay

their bits you had to go see it again

you know you couldn’t play it over and over

again so it’s like you know you know the

exact timing for when the

punch line comes and yeah it’s not like that

people are still

going out though i mean yeah

comedy still the most fun

thing for me to go see

you know if i know that stanhope’s

gonna perform or you know

the louis ck’s in

town or you know nick apollo or someone that i really

think is really

funny i fucking have a great time

still the most fun

thing to see who were you saying last

night was at the hollywood impromptu

oh stan hope was there

david tell ron white

nick swartz and doug benson

how great is that

it was just like

never ending

in a lineup

and it’s also just a fun hang

to it that place is

great man that’s the difference between that

place in the

store like i

never realized that there’s managers that were actually

happy to see you there and well and

thankful can we get you a

water you want to

drink did you like something

are you hungry do you want to eat they got a menu in

their hand they have good food there

great burgers

and shit everyone’s friendly the wait

staff’s friendly the bartenders friendly

there’s a bar

where everybody sits down has

a good time at the bar and then there’s a back showroom

eddie the bartenders are also the

eddie’s a fucking gem devo

yeah they’re great

great i’ve been to the

south nationals down the

street sal’s

coming home no i want to go to there that’s a

stop by sometimes

sal a listener do you know we’re in contact

we’ll get you in there no yeah

we’ll get you in there

we did it sunday

night it was fucking awesome man

just talked

about it on twitter sunday

place was a real

small place only

seats like 70 at the mall

right now but they’re also

have two more showrooms

they’ve got a

whole back area that’s gigantic they’re

gonna blow out and

build this huge 300

seat room back there it’s like 300 seats

well there’s two rooms i

think they’re gonna

split it i think he

should just

build one huge room i don’t

know yeah i

think so too

why not they keep the

small room in the

front and then make a big one but i

guess he’s doing like an improv

room of like

80 and then a bigger room

150 or something like that

improv like

like improv

like that shit like give me a

topic that kind of shit

well kind of like the

like you know like the side room at the improv

where ari does his show you know i mean like

like a workout improv

i don’t know hmm

well hey maybe not

maybe maybe do it look the comedy

store was three rooms

yeah forever

you know this guy can actually pull off

three rooms in that spot

he’s got the perfect attitude he’s like

you know sounds like one of

those guys that you hope

would come along

and open up a comedy club a

guy who really loves comedy he’s a really fun guy

and he’s willing to take some chance and

he has business

sense as well yeah

he’s exactly what he’s doing

yeah and he bought this place and

right now it’s got a

front area where there’s a bar

and a bunch of seats and that’s

where we perform sunday

where there’s a back area this is like old

school bakery

and it’s been a bakery like forever

apparently he’s gonna

take over that and what was it before the bakery

diana cafe it’s a

cafe with a big yell awning it’s

still says vienna cafe it doesn’t say sal’s common

he’s like trying to like

you know like vienna cafe oh it

doesn’t exist anymore but come on we got a show

here yeah they’re trying to

phase it in slowly he was telling me

he was telling a funny stanhope bit earth

story last night when he had

a club in new york

he everyone was trying to get into his club like all

these really good

comics and he wanted stan

hope so he called doug up or something

like that was like hey you know i’d really like

you to come to my club and doug’s like i don’t do club

sorry and then

sounds like well just you know ask around

first before you say no because it’s i

think you would like my place

so doug calls back and goes out everyone’s saying

great things i’ll go there

and so he became

became friends with stanhope and then he had like a

party to watch like

a boxing match at his

house like his apartment

and he’s like

doug you know if you want to come over and

watch the boxing game come over

so doug invited the

whole entire club to come to

sal’s house

and he just said there like 40 people were climbing

over his fence and just fucking

drinking all his beers and

can you imagine

inviting a whole club to somebody’s

house that’s

kinda douchey

with stanhope

drunk yes of course

is that a real

question that isn’t a real question that isn’t

that’s funny

yeah and after that he’s

still in a comedy

right dude’s a glutton for punishment

i know this

i’m sorry but

price pull up to

ted williams the golden

voice a homeless man

right and this guy

is like was a junkie

yeah and now they’re giving him all this

money yeah yeah cause he’s

gonna fucking god

it’s some he was on dr phil and i

guess he’s about to

check himself into rehab or he did

check himself into rehab because

of the dr phil show

but dr phil brought up the whole

point of where like

that he used to

steal cars and

so horrible

dude like he’s yeah the

great voice it’s not not like the innocent

cry baby guy that you

first you want

more homeless man

fucking know this guy’s

criminal and

fucking you

just gave him

and now he’s

gonna become

famous do you

think he’s getting pussy yet

internet pussy

um i hope not

he sort of looks like

matt you remember when

mcdonald’s had that moon

man commercial or it was like a moon face

jack the night

what was that i remember it it was

mac tonight

mac tonight wow mac tonight

pull that up

i gotta look at that now

mac tonight

was when mcdonald’s had some moon

headed man wearing a suit

well i don’t remember that

at all he looks exactly like that

and the homeless guy did

so he goes on dr phil

and he tells them that he

stole cars and all kinds of

other shit while he’s doing drugs is that what he said

yeah yeah what

he first said that he

like dr phil brought up the fact that he

hold on i’ll tell you exactly what it was

where is it

he for people who don’t know there’s a guy and

if you haven’t

heard the story

there was a guy that was

standing on

the side of a road and he had a sign that said you

know will use my golden

voice for you know god gave me a voice and

give me a dollar

you know whatever the fuck it is

so this guy

does this impression of like a morning dj on a

television show

or a radio show and it’s amazing

it’s like a really good

radio voice like that perfect fake

radio voice

yeah and it feels it seems

weird coming out of a

out of a homeless guy and he’s got like you know a

bunch of shit plan that he can say like that and so

this became an internet

thing it got huge and then from it

this guy gets a

bunch of different job offers so now he’s on

dr phil and so what happened

dr phil sits down with him and discusses

all the challenges he had in his life and

he first denied the incident in

which dr phil

was a of violent behavior public urination

stealing customers cars at a tire

store in ohio

and all this

other crap then later

in the interview

the guy finally

admits that he did all

those things

and then um

the next first he lied

first he lied

so he’s still

lying still he’s

still doing the

lying thing and then he

admitted it

later after dr phil probably owned them or something

wow and then i

supposedly he will appear

again on dr phil

accompanied by his ex wife and he has five kids

wow oh i’m happy the kids got

money with this kids not

well you hope the kids got

money and i

guess supposedly that the the wife and kids

are worried that he’s

he’s gonna relapse and then

later in the interview or whatever

they say that he’s

gonna go in her rehab on thursday

so we already realized this

today yeah well

he probably got some

cash and went

straight to the bar why not

yeah this is

a homeless guy

and then you shower and straight to the bar

joe do you remember this

you probably

don’t remember this commercial but this is who

al says that he looks like this old

he’s a chin

on this old guy

i see it but i don’t

remember it at all it was a big campaign

what was this

2007 that can’t be 2007

there’s no way

that was four years ago bitches

oh wait here’s a 1989

i’m talking about yeah that’s that’s a freak you

that was a new revenge

i don’t see what the fuck you guys are talking

about that’s a guy with a moon head

since this guy is big fucking head that’s

ridiculous i’m saying

that is the funniest shit out

okay moon face moon face

even more than a jay leno you know

i met that antoine dodson dude he’s the dude who his

house got broken into yeah

so what hide your kids

hide your wife yeah

that guy is like doing all kinds of shit now

dude that song is good yeah that

song is legitimately good the antoine

looks like you’re bent over

antoine johnson song is

legitimately good yeah it really is yeah it’s um

i mean it’s amazing though how

these things can can become viral like this

he bought his mama

house from the proceeds

he i guess they split the money fifty fifty and antoine

got a lot of money but his mama’s

that’s incredible from a

viral video done from the local and he’s doing a

bunch of other shit he did some shit for the

ufc he was on george lopez i saw that yeah

he’s doing like ads and shit now

it’s crazy man

internet celebrity is like a real thing

it’s made a couple of comics i mean

it really has i met

bo burnham the other night yeah that kid

did you see this joe

the hide your kids hide your wife dog

what is that on twitter is that what it is yeah yeah

anyway i met that bo burnham kid

you know i just saw him on paul revenge’s show the

green room yeah yeah yeah i was on

i was on the one after it and

and i was there and i was

we were talking and me and

eddie ift were talking and one of the

things that this kid

was saying was that he never had to like struggle

he never went out and did like the shitty one

nighters he

never went famous on youtube he was like bam

right away famous doing big shows yep

that’s pretty crazy man

yep yeah that’s a new thing man

who was the first internet celebrity like going back

justin bieber’s like the best

one right no no i mean first like ten years

first 15 years ago like was there an aol

celebrity back in the day well when youtube

first started was the history of the

dance guy became one of the ones that was the

first youtube sensation really to

start commanding high dollar

right for the

goatsy guy was the from most famous guy on the internet

the go to guy yeah

his but i wonder who that guy is i mean you know that

it’s a guy who’s he’s got his butthole

face in the camera is wearing a wedding ring

and he’s stretching his asshole out

like pulling it like it’s rubber

yeah it depends

peering into the darkness into the event

horizon of his butthole

and it’s you

know an internet meme it’s been on a million different

things it’s all over the place yeah

people make

photoshops of it in in

cloud patterns and shit it’ll make your banana cry

but no seriously if you think of like the first real

legit celebrity that was made off of the internet it’s

tequila it’s pretty yeah

tequila is a perfect one

she’s straight you know

just right from the internet nothing but right

you’ve got mail she actually

might have been the first no no no there has to i mean

you’re talking about like

seven years ago i’m talking

about like the internet came out a long ass time

right but there was no one like tequila

tequila that made

their way into the public and became well we

never had a video

like that before

and social networks yeah i’m just

thinking about the internet had

was always a spot for celebrity

to go like i used to look up

like some of the celebrities have

brothers and shit like that and there’s like rickie

leach revolta

john travolta’s brother

and so he has

a website and i was like there was a lot of

funny shit on it

back then but

nothing like there is now with the content and the

audio there’s a

sound you can go to

soundcloud and youtube i mean

people are putting up nobody had the devices

either nobody had flip

video cameras and so

there’s a whole new

age of when you introduce the

small camera that’s one

and easy to upload with the uc

usb connector might

just right in immediately hd

phones and so

you didn’t have to have that

technology available

to just a regular guy so now that they

it’s easier to launch a login

video and look how

when she goes

viral i mean a lot of people are talking about

the voice yeah yeah

and antoine thompson

that’s a lot of fucking

money to buy your mama

house i don’t care if it’s in alabama

well yeah it was really

because of that song

those guys who created that

that auto tune song

guys are very talented musicians

sure and then

just auto tune i mean auto tunes fucking hilarious

every time yeah you

heard carl sagan’s auto tune

no but have you

heard that the

i think it’s the woo woo

song it’s a

local news in

san francisco and

they i guess

people are putting

these mufflers on

oh yeah woo woo

yeah and they go down and it’s

local news auto tune for that so that’s hilarious

it’s all anything auto

tuning the news is funny

yeah can’t deny

it i think garageband’s pretty amazing too

the program

where you can pretty much

make your own song

pretty easily

don’t they have programs like that for your phone now

oh yeah yeah

absolutely absolutely

like there was i don’t know if we ever talked

about there was this

back in the day in myspace somebody linked

one of my songs on their

myspace page and like

stole it from my web host

so like when he went to the myspace page it

automatically played a song from your show from myself

so i what i did is i took

that file took it down

and then made up a

quick song and garage band

about like oh

stacy from you

know hollywood california

i want you to suck my dick and made a

whole song just

about how i wanted to fuck this girl and

stuff like that

and i replaced that song

that file with the original file

so that when people went to her myspace page it just

started playing that song that’s

great yeah and

i just love i don’t know how

i even thought

about that but

it’s pretty

funny video

that’s funny when you

do that with hot linking and

speaking of myspace i think

yesterday went officially really just downsize

yeah they shut off germany

my space germany

is dead somebody

tweeted me myspace cut all

their employees like

three months ago

like half of

their employees they cut

jordan they just did it

again jordy yeah jordy was with and now is

lucky night

he’s worth comedy

central but right

they yeah he was working with

myspace comedy was thriving i’m sure you did one of

those secret shows did you yeah i did one of

those secret shows i’m thinking

about deleting my myspace live on the air

what do you think

should do it if

they’re gonna cut

shadow and rune

you know it’s

funny how we did it with i think

forget who we did it with like jason

tebow or something like that somebody deleted

their myspace the

other day live on air

on an old on podcast

jesus christ

i can’t even come up with one original idea and

but watch how many steps it is it’s pretty hilarious

it was ari ari did it and

it was like

three steps like

they make it really hard like are you sure you yeah

are you still have people on it trying to talk to you

very very very very few

almost all of it is just mine’s

completely dead as well yeah

you wanna go in and mine

you should mine down also with a dual

yeah dual one i paid some money to have mine

tricked out to at one point

yeah did you have glitter tags

i don’t know what he did it seems like you

would probably

he’s a fadian mom just i can even say it

yeah so if you want to delete your myspace now too

and we could have a double myspace and i’m

gonna keep mine they hide this

motherfucker it’s not easy

i don’t even know where to go

um here i’ll tell you guys where to go hold on um

more delete

my space i can’t even tell

i don’t even know if i know my family yeah

it’s time to let it go you know what i mean it’s like

that girl that you

dated 10 years ago and her

phone number is

still in your book

throw that shit out son move on

it’s in your book listen to me your book who has a

phone book anymore

phone books are

worth nothing

fuck you and your

phone book i want to

write it on

paper like some caveman

they’re good for

standing on

yeah why don’t you just give me some

burnt sticks

and i’ll use it to carve the fucking numbers on a rock

how to delete

did you do it

and now i can’t even

figure it out

there we go

there you go

all right if you decided to delete my

space what you do is

more you go to my account and then

where’s my account

it’s under more my

stuff my stuff

account settings

right here account settings

and then you looks different

i have to give him that yeah it looks different

it doesn’t look

better that logo

is some case

should we give him a

chance now that they redesigned

everything now damn ow

we committed

to this bro

are you sure

we’ve committed to this man we’re

gonna change

everything in here it looks

it’s all white

the logos remember

those bad settings remember the

constantly had

those horrible

fucking ads really cancel account here we go

you know try

i don’t want to

smiley face or something

brian it’s not just cancel account

right it’s deleted i want to delete

that no you want to cancel account where’s it

canceling yeah we’re

sorry you want to

leave please let us know why

to say cause you

can really help us improve myspace

there’s not an it’s over

bitch option

there’s board spam

privacy and

email i’m gonna go with spam

just the one

thing that annoyed me

where is it joe

where’s the cancel cancel account

under settings

under settings you

go under account settings and privacy

cancellation comments

thanks for the love and the last but it’s over bitches

it’s not down there

yeah oh there we go privacy

but it’s they do hide it they hide it

below the fold yeah

and then just gotta keep on scrolling down over bitches

and you know what’s even pissing me off cancel account

hose it’s over my request has been sent

you will receive an email shortly with instructions

for confirming that you has

to cancel yeah

why won’t you just let me

walk away see that’s what they’re doing a divorce

now you have to go to your

email and click on a link

mm hmm it’s

like a divorce so do it now because they don’t want

to they want to pretend they have more people on my

space board

spam to a joke

continue it

okay finish him

you know what sucks is that facebook just

today has forced

their new profile on all the facebook

book accounts what is

their new profile

really how come because

when you go to facebook at

least how do i do it

the first thing i like

to do is like hmm is this person single is this you

know look at

their photos

now they’ve hidden like

this single part and it’s just like this really shitty

like it reminds me of a myspace they’ve

moved it all around and now it’s just

oh you can change

over there’s actually companies that do that

somebody just

hit me up from our company to customize my

my facebook page

to make it look all

tricked down yeah

well now that they used to let you

go back that’s what we talked

about having to have a

marketing degree to be a good

stand up comic

right i try i got two kids i work on them

you know like

i really i told you

about my situation you have a website though

you have a website

that’s all you

gotta do is keep

doing what you’re doing i’m in

touch if somebody

emails me i’ll

definitely get back to the twitter by the way is al

mandragoal a l

m a d r i g h

exciting stuff happening but you

should say it

mother go especially

if you go on before willie barcena

you don’t even say your own name right bro

how many followers do you have

closing on 3000

not too many

we’re gonna blow that out of the

water today yes

monitor here i can’t

we’re gonna jump you up to five thousand

you fucker how has been can really you got that kind of

reach that i

could just jump

two thousand

eight hundred and

thirty five

you know what if i get

people to sign on i will i’m

funny guy i’ll

start putting

funny shit out there i’m at war with my neighbors

right now are you really yeah what’s going on

well i just

i’m surrounded by old people and i’m surrounded by

these three guys this isn’t

a bit this is real

three guys named phil

like old fill

really old fill

and then filipino fill

that’s how i like

filipino fill is my ally

which one makes your banana cry no one

the other guys are it’s the new

complaining banana cry yeah it’s

gonna be the new

thing do you want me to make

your banana cry

see you talk

about this on

stage yeah i

gotta see the bit

so anyway i’m

sorry so i’m surrounded by old people and

it’s eagle rock it’s an

upcoming neighborhood

still and there’s

a lot of cool people that live near me

but at the same time i was just surrounded by

old people that are in my business i went on my roof to

clean up my gutters

and it’s like they all assembled

below me where like i was conducting some

double arp meeting

and they’re all in my business and

at one point

i had three cars i

still have three cars

right now and

then i have i got gm was nice enough to get me a

buick enclave

right the holiday and let me use that

it’s just like perk through the

pr department

and this thing is awesome and i

it really is fucking an incredible vehicle

anyway so that shows up so i have four

cars and the old people are stopped by constant lingo

do you feel it’s economical to have

three vehicles

and i can’t help but

just fuck with them

and hate them wait a

minute they

ask you they all have people in my shit constantly

about my hedges

my i mean and there’s a guy old guy walks his dog by my

house every fucking day and is so in my business

like it’s stop if i even show my head he’ll stop and

start asking a million fucking questions

and so you live up here in this community

where it’s nice and there’s not i mean

your neighbors aren’t on you

i have neighbors just on my ass that sucks dude

i’m so not into that yeah no i don’t even like this

i lived in the woods for

three months

when i lived in colorado

it was the perfect

place for me oh

when i was driving up it was like this is how you do it

i have old people on my shed

and then also you

know it’s sort of a little gangy

ish sometimes so

like somebody will ride a mini

truck will go

you know down the street

and you have that guy like driving by with

really fast you

worry about that with your kids the gang you part

well it’s not

it’s gang adjacent

it’s not really gang

adjacent it’s not

right in the shit

but it’s close

enough where it’s

gonna become an

issue in their life if they

walk on well yeah

you can definitely

stumble down to the

wrong area and just get

anywhere you can get caught at the

wrong time but here it’s highly unlikely

you know i mean

i have a more realistic chance of running into

some bad people in my neighborhood

yeah hmm and yeah i worry

about my wife being

alone when i go to

stand up and shit like that all the time yeah

yeah i know that feeling

and even with

household shit if anything

breaks you know we’ve had

stuff where i’ve been on the road doing

stand up i travel all over

just like not as much but

i go out a fair amount

and yeah my wife’s home with two kids and luckily

you know we got filipino

frank there

so tell me how what’s your issues with

your war oh let’s try to come and trim my shit like

you know how you have

hedges yeah my dog was running out and barking the

other day and my neighbor was

secretly trying to trim my fucking hedge

why was he trimming your head just

old and drunk and

crazy like just wasted

did you talk to him

no i they put it brought over a letter see

that’s what i’m talking

about i feel

crazy about this i’m like you want a war

i’ll bring you war

god i didn’t say that but

that’s how i feel

i like they will get all pissed been out of

shape if i’m

not talking to a neighbor for two years because

over parking

we had construction people over our

house and the

latino guys parked there

and he came running back to the old guy

and fucking

started yelling at the

latino guys to move

their car it’s a public street

anybody can fucking park there i’m at war

yeah i won’t even talk to the fucking guys

suburban war

really is people

claim their

turf and the real

issue is people are not supposed

to be on top of each other like

they really

this is nothing compared to

apartments man

apartments are where it’s really bright on top of each

other i had an

apartment in north hollywood

where i had a pool table

okay and i lived on the second

floor and there was this

crazy gay couple that lives in the

first floor and he was like the landlord to

the what is it called the the

super intent

so you know he was always

controlling things and

he didn’t own the building but he ran it

so i had a pool table

installed in my living room i had a big living room

and the reason

why i got this big living room was because i

could get a pool

table i wanted a pool

table in the living room

so i had installed then he comes

knocking on the door

what’s going on in there there’s

a lot of movement there’s a lot of movement up here

and i go oh i got a pool

table he goes

are you jumping

around are you working out or something i go no no no

i’m just walking around the pool looking

for it look in as

he’s talking making shots

and he goes okay i’m

gonna have to ask you to not do that

when i’m home

because it’s

just like i’m in the living room and all i hear is

creek creek

creek creek

creek creek

and i’m like so you’re saying that because of the

structural instability of this shithead fucking

apartment building

you don’t want me walking

in my living room because it’s annoying

yeah i started

changing my wireless password

it’s cause they’re

right on top of you right

right so everybody in my so i

changed my wireless

now my network name

i can change

it to anything i want

right so i put like ouija

lawn yeah that’s

hilarious i

changed my network

and then they looked on and they were like hey

we link sis

or fucking weed

your lawn hey

hey hey son

of a bitch yeah quit

trimming my fucking hedges

oh that’s great i

like that that’s

funny they try to

steal off your fucking wireless yeah

yeah man that’s

creepy when you have neighborhoods man there’s always

that one kid that lives down the brock that’s gonna

steal your fucking shit when

you’re not looking yeah

it was someone has some

troubled 16 year old

troubled youth walking around always man

my friend of mine got his fucking bike stolen

some fucking kid down the

street i saw this kid

just walking up the

block just walking up

just you know just looking around not doing i was like

where’s that guy fucking

going you know

he’s walking up

right but he’s

first of all in la very few people without a dog

walking and i don’t have you know

chicks have lululemon

on or something like that and you know they’re

dressed in outfits

when you see just a lone fucking thug

it’s like seeing an ant

just away from the rest

of it so important to live in a nice spot

it’s really important to live in a

quiet spot just try to find a

quiet nice spot and that’s why so many people

go to the suburbs yeah like you go to

downtown cleveland it’s shut down there’s nothing there

every single

store is released

and shit like that i couldn’t find a department

store my wife

sometimes helps me pack

no underwear

so i go to buy

underwear in downtown cleveland

not a department

store no it’s like

walgreens or

brooks brothers that’s the only

scary little

things that they had

cleveland’s weird

yeah because everybody

moved out to a

quieter place

you know what it is yeah

what’s also

the jobs disappeared

right you know what happened with well

well plants got shut down or something yeah and detroit

you know people went south

went to columbus and cincinnati

because just i mean

cleveland used to be

the biggest

city in ohio

it used to be like the flats it used to be the

place to be

the cool part of ohio

now it’s scary they were

gonna impromp

down there that’s a real dump yeah

even one i think

they did it once

well they have

they just gave out so many passes they

completely ruined

the room that’s what a lot of comedy clubs

do is that just

the quality they’re just giving out passing

so you have

free passes

so the tickets are free so they’re selling booze

and the tickets have no

value a lot of

places believe that they’re in the liquor business not

the comedy business and they just want people inside

drinking so well

i see their

point man you gotta

keep the fucking

wolves away sure

you know it’s like for a lot of these

places like in the middle of nowhere it’s real hard and

a lot of the

comics that are getting

shipped down there are terrible yeah

how many times have you like been in a club

and you look at the lineup and be like what do you got

going on here

and you read

their calendar and you’re like oh shit jesus

fuck and you just imagine

these poor people having to come and sit and

watch this some kid told me a quote that

i was working with he said he was at a show

and this comic was so bad some old

black lady yells out

you’re ruining my free passes

oh my god that was the best talking with

thing that sums

everything else

hilarious you’re ruining my free passes

that’s hilarious i got this for free and i hate it

this is horrible

that’s so funny and that’s why a lot of

people get you know when you’re

a comedy promoter you do free beer

like there’s

always got to be something else that will justify

and i can move

yeah it’s a

tough fucking business man

any sort of bar restaurant business own a pool hall

anything like that night

night time business

those fucking

things are hard man

and when times are

tough like they are now

the economy gets shitty

and then it’s

becomes you know like then they really don’t want to

go out they want to take a chance to just go see comedy

you know if you know they know someone is

going to be there you know

bill burrs in town okay let’s go see

him you know i know who he is stan help has that joke

that he’s just

like how many people are

here to see me how many people are here to see comedy

and then half of them reply

and it’s like

don’t do that

with anything else you don’t goes roll into you know

yeah it’s also

you know i’ve said this before but i’ll say it again

the real problem is the generic

label comedy

it’s like you don’t go to see live

music in not knowing if you’re gonna get

barry manilow

or guns n roses or you know a rap band you

know but with comedy you

could get that

and you could get that on the same

night you can get

like five different comments can go out at the improv

and they all have five different

totally different acts and sure

yeah john reap

and eddie griffin

maybe yeah exactly

the polar opposites bob ozark

you know just these

drastic different

you know bob

ozark can’t call into the

store anymore

really yeah

they told him he’s too old why are you

serious but yet

then his want what’s his name

still can go there every day

he’s got his thing

wow yep yeah

that’s

a very funny comedy writer and a very

funny comedian i mean you just look him up he’s

incredible and also when you

sit and listen to guy like

that is a perfect talk about alliteration and the

story and i mean just

he’s a great character top notch yeah

he would be a great talk show host

he was i think for a while that’s when he

moved to florida and he was working on one of

those good morning shows as the what was he doing this

he moved away from la i’d say

three years ago really and once you go

you can type in bob o’shack on youtube and see

him as morning correspondent

wow and so that fell

apart and it was

a big gig and they just

moved back to los angeles yeah so bob

ozark in the morning or whatever do you have kids

yeah he has two kids

about the same age as mine you know in that

eight and four range

i can’t believe it tell him not to get spots

did he play david letterman in that old

movie about no no no but he always he has this look

about him like

where he really looks like a

young dave letterman you know

voted by oprah

to be one of the top

speaking of oprah

and we were talking

about that’s how we first met

over some old oprahs

watching well we did

stand up together and we went up to my house

just sat there baked

11 years ago

watching old oprah footage yeah we were doing bong hits

in al magical’s couch

watching oprah from like the 80s

when she had big hair and shit do you

think she’s rich

or did she have plastic surgery what’s happening

right now why

just sitting there

and i think there were people around us

but me and you were just sitting

watching the

opera like there was a little

bit of a gathering and people were talking is your

brother and i

think you’re your wife

before she was your wife and

some other but

one other person

a couple of people and she

would just go

completely focused on this old oprah

and we were barbecued

and you know how when something you barbecued something

like all of a

sudden like

why have i never seen it like this before

it was so strange it was like we were

watching like an alien film

it didn’t even look real anyway o shak

was on oprah

and touted as one of the next

great communities

and nobody knows comedy like that bitch

it’s what a whole new network’s

about watch out comedy central yeah own girl

yeah it’s like the white version of def jam what

so nothing on

those shacks you find

we don’t have to pull them over it

doesn’t matter that’s

right it’s just another one of those stories

you know there’s another story it’s

been the interesting thing about being

a comedian and living in la is watching

the whole story of

humanity unfold for many different

people and many different players and they all just you

know they take

their part in

the game and they all go through it and you get to

watch them and

a lot of them you get to

learn from too just

learn from their fuck ups and

learn from them you

can sort of pick

the path that you want to go it’s like choose your own

adventures like am i

gonna be like that dude

or am i gonna end up like that dude

and then you get to go

am i gonna go into the cave am i

gonna choose to go to

space like you have to make choices

along the way

and if you fuck up

then you might go off in some

other positive direction

but not necessarily i mean there’s

a lot of choices to be made i’ve been on

like i was talking about

on function six

pilots or something like that at this

point since i’ve

taught you know we’ve met

and not one of them is really

taken off it’s been

weird and one of them

could have taken off immediately

yeah you can end up like you

could get super

duper lucky

and not to see we’re

lucky at all

i was lucky

news radio look there’s

no doubt i was

lucky the first two

things i ever auditioned for i got

the first two shows

i didn’t go on

a bunch of auditions like a lot of actors

i auditioned for one

thing when i

was living in new york i got it came out to california

that got cancelled

i auditioned for newsradio i got that bam

no acting experience at all

it’s total luck

there’s no getting away from it

it was just i was in the

right place at the right time

when they were looking for

stand ups on sitcoms

that’s all it is so it’s a lot of luck

you know i could have had the same

thing as you

could have been six different

pilots and nothing happened or

could have been one and and ray

romano actually had that part

before you talked

to newsradio yeah yeah

he had it but i didn’t take

it from him i took it from the guy who took it from him

aha that’s even better they decided somewhere

along the line that they were

gonna go some in some different direction

and you know meanwhile it turned out to be the

greatest thing ever for ray

romano fuck news

radio ray romano

made like 800

million dollars or something we saw him the

other night did

you know him yeah

no real well yeah and he was

seem like he’s incredibly humble and

cool he’s a very cool guy he’s as down to

earth as possible he hasn’t

changed at all he’s the same guy

and he was talking

about something that i can totally relate to too when

we were at the taping of paul preventes’s green room

he did it the

night before i did it

and by the way kitties

i had a conversation with mark mayer and we’re both

gonna do each

other’s podcasts yeah i think

there’s no real beef there yeah

this is a big twitter issue

but so anyway

he yeah people keep

asking me to do it whatever

that’s right with the

other thing i don’t want any

beefs i hear you

oh i hear it’s distracting it’s a

waste of time that’s all it is a

waste of time and you really

think about a

pride and shit like that it’s like shut up

what a who yeah

just go to work you

know it’s like the world

want to do my shit yeah

i hear you i’m

exactly the same way

anyway ray romano was talking

about how you

know you know

even after all

these years

i do these shortly

it sounds like

kermit the frog

he said even

after he does

all these years and he goes to

shows the mirage in

vegas or wherever he goes

and you know

massive fucking

crowd he said he

still feels like a

fraud imposter

yeah he feels like when he gets

stepping out there that all

these people are sure i

think he goes i

think at any moment we’re

gonna just turn around and just

point a finger at me and go you’re a dick

we don’t really like you yeah

yeah you know

and that is what it feels like it’s a it’s a weird

thing like as yeah

you know i do comedy all

these years and you

know and people are there to see you and they’re all

psyched up and they’re

cheering when they’re

bringing your name and as you’re walking to the

stage you’re like what the fuck am i even

doing tom papa told me

great stories

about that like

he’d worked to sell out comedy clubs and he

started selling out some comedy

clubs and then he

moved to the

smaller theaters

and then as a guy in a

smaller theater he didn’t take

a moment to go this is it i’m in the

smaller theater

he started thinking

about getting

in bigger theaters like that was really like

we fill in this one

okay we’re filling this theater

and then we’re

gonna move to a bigger theater you know

if he wasn’t satisfied

right with the little theater

yeah where i’m

thinking oh my god if i can

get to a theater i don’t give a shit what size it is

yeah that’s like the jump off

point yeah for comics

so you always want aspire to get her

yeah exactly

theaters are a lot of work

though man sure it’s a lot of work to try to sell them

unless you got this

giant following you know

i was on the road with mitch hedberg and he

told a story

about him and

lynn trying to

think they could do a theater on their own

and they didn’t need a promoter

and it was sold out at this comedy club forever

and they were just

gonna try to

do it and he said it was an absolute disaster

really like

half full lost

money or barely

broke even well they

probably didn’t have the internet

in full effect no not

all mitch hedberg’s

website was bunk it was like like looked like

somebody put it together out of netscape

navigation that

build a website

page you know

great shaylee

did that you know shaylee

because wrong with

stanho yeah

no yeah great shaylee

did that website as well

terrible website

it really is it’s

older style

updates going on there right

and so he didn’t have like a regular blog

or he didn’t have a message

board or so it’s hard for to

get the word out you

gotta have a lot of shit

going on yeah

a lot of different

connections well now there’s also

so many different applications that you can use that

allow it you know

the communication to be just you know it’s a lot easier

before you’re doing you know just

emails if you’re doing that or some weird

email newsletter with asterisks you know as a

separation points you know it’s not

there’s a lot more out there

now it’s easy i mean you got to be a fucking marketing

major to do all the shit

i got twitter i

gotta keep in

track all this

stuff and then you’re trying to

about tricking out fucking

facebook pages and we just deleted it on myspace

pages like staying on top of this shit well it’s got

to become a part of your life it really does and i love

the fucking you

stream i did that with

them i was in

dallas with house barks he dropped by

house barks was here we had him on the park yeah

we had a really surreal

thing we were in a strip club at triple deloge

you know that place the lodge where’s it at

in dallas allison is and

there was a monkey there

wow so me and hal and a monkey

fucking did strippers it was really fucking weird

we went to dinner with that guy’s radio

show big dick hunter you know okay yeah

yeah hunter yeah yeah good guy

and so we’re there and his wife works at the lodge

which is a great strip club as we’re talking about

being you know

strip clubs being cd after you have kids and shit like

that this is a really fucking nice one it’s top notch i

mean that’s the

thing is that the higher quality

i seem to enjoy

everything luxury at this

point yeah right

i want everything to be top notch i’ve seen the best

hotel room you know and shit like that and

everything is

going to be held up in

comparison to that at this

point once you fly

first class

it’s difficult

if i can go on a

southwest flight

crammed in in a

you don’t realize how

things can be nice shit

everything can be nice and the same

thing is with true

strip clubs you know like there’s the bad ones where in

it’s disgusting like you said

becoming a germaphobe

you know and i’m

thinking about all

these other dudes i was in

tempe and i was

early on in my comedy

career i went to a

strip club during the day

that’s what you do

check right in

right during the day

and by the way you now have 3

148 followers that’s

amazing that just gave you like 400 followers easily

bam boom like that

guess respond because the diamond

like it respect

so you went to a

strip club during the day

strip club during the day which is

never a good time

right never

a good time i remember

going to a bachelor

party and this

strip club was one of the best

places it’s like fantasy sequence

two girls at one time

it was half off beers

half off lap

dances whoa

or five lap

dances for one or some

crazy thing where i

no it was a

dream sequence for strip club

perfect asu chicks

well before being

married and i go in

yeah and i go in there and

during the day when i was by myself

old guy just in the corner in a wheelchair

and this girl he’s regular

and this girl who’s really hot goes up to him and

starts rubbing on him and i was looking at her before

and she starts like

hey john how are you

today did you get the

grilled cheese and like having a

small talk and she

spends like 30 minutes

with him and then comes directly up to me

afterwards and goes

do you want dance

i go i looked around i go no

absolutely not what the fuck

you see what you just did you just rubbed up

against death

and i’m gonna fucking get a lap

dance it’s disgusting so i’m saying this

place to lodge in dallas is

actually really fucking nice and beautiful

not like that not like the

place of the old

there’s a tricky

thing man with old dudes man old dudes like

they get taken at trip clubs all the time

you know they become like

a part of the landscape

when eddie bravo used to be a dj

at his trip club i used to go and

visit him of course he was

and for years

for like 10 years it’s awesome and i’ll go and

visit him at work and he had

like you get to know the ecosystem of the

place you get to know how it works

and you get to see like

he was dating this girl right

and the girl was over by the dj

booth and i’m talking to her

and i’m like yeah so what’s

going on blah blah

blah blah you know we’re just talking

and she’s talking totally normal like this and all of a

sudden this guy walks in and the guy had like a poster

poster workers jacket on

she’s not a guy who makes a ton of

money right

as you know works for the post office

so he comes in he’s got a

you know baseball hat on looks like he’s probably

about 50 and she all of a

sudden turns it on and i saw it and it was like it was

shocking it was like when you see your cat kill a mouse

for the first time

you ever see a cat kill a

mouse and you love that cat

but all sudden bang that cat is

fucking this

mouse up and it’s

you’re like whoa you evil

bitch like i

never knew this about you

well you know

i’m talking to her she seems totally normal

and this guy comes in she’s like hey baby

and she comes running over to this guy and you can see

this poor fuck is just smitten

it’s just so sad she’s like oh my god you’re here

and she puts her one hand on his

lower back and one hand on his

chest and he’s got his arms around her both of them

clasp behind him and she’s like rubbing up

against him

oh i’m watching

i’m watching a

victim like she’s

gonna inject him with

venom and suck all the

money out of him

but this guy had bought her a truck

he bought her a yukon denali

she was having problems with her car

so he bought

her a fucking car and an expensive one one of those

super luxuried aldenolities

there just like cadillacs

escalade no it’s just as nice but just

trunk space dude

it was the craziest

thing ever was

watching it was like whoa like this is like

this is nature man

this is just as natural as any

other thing

just as natural as

a bug that gets

caught in a spider’s web and gets zapped with

venom and alien

and also marriage

a lot of these guys

married way too

early i mean just

think back then they were getting

married to 20

25 so they’re

trapped in these relations

as they grow into different people

right no wonder there’s so much divorce

so then you’re

trapped with this

woman who just becomes fucking

nasty and then they

get those mom

haircuts so they all look like they have that little

lesbian mom haircut

about like denim

jeans and all kinds of fun

they give up all together on

their bodies

and then he can go to

strip club and be with a ten

and all it costs is

maybe twenty two thousand dollars

after you get that car

wholesale like

that and here he’s got this ten that’s

just all over him on a regular basis that was his

apparently his modus operandi

this guy’s thing

was to come there

after work and just hang out and

hang out for

hours and hours and

hours and just give this

chick all of his money

like literally gave this

chick all of his money

every day was like a new thousand

thousand here thousand there thousand here yeah i

can never do

that’s another part with

strip clubs is i’m too

worried like i

started thinking like

if i took this

money and went to osh

i could get i really just

yeah osh orchard

supply hardware like

house supplies

yeah i get that

yeah work on my place

stripper when

it gets into

my home yeah

that’s mad money that’s like i’m

you know that’s

i’m a ball seriously yeah taking it and

throwing it away let’s

throw away all this yeah

i think about that all the time even if it’s

like going out

drinking or something like that

much shit i just

you know i went out to eat and i

spent you know

sixty dollars i

could have went and bought a

you know fucking groceries

up i hate that you

know the best

steak ever at a

supermarket for

twenty bucks

yeah not even cook it

not even twenty

bucks yeah well

if you get a big fat

thick one are they like

twenty bucks yeah

like twenty

bucks well that’s like also is like riding the wave of

these comedy careers because sometime point

you can get like look at like a guy like elon gold

you know the

comic he’s always been on shows he was in that show

stacked with pamela anderson he

was on you know he’s been on sitcom she’s got four kids

wow does it really yeah

he’s got an

impressionist you look like elon

gold seinfeld and shit like that he does a lot of good

he’s a very good

impressions very funny

good impressions of

comics yeah

he’s very funny anyway so

he like is on

these shows

then the shows go away

and he has to sort of

ride it out and save as much

money as he possibly

can i’m in the same boat it’s like i got a deal

then i have nothing

you know well

the key is to keep the

stand up going so that you always have something

yeah you know

if your stand up is

strong and you headline all over

the country and you get a big following and you know

especially develop

an internet presence then you don’t have to ever worry

about things

because you always got

money coming in and you can order

sort of hustle i mean i’m not making a

ton of money doing

stand up but

i can make a living

i can definitely

make what somebody that guy in the post office

but you could

but listen you

could be making a

ton of money doing

stand up you have the

the comedy chops

it’s just a matter of getting

your comedy out there to more people yeah that’s the

thing you don’t have a

great product no no no that’s the

thing people come out to see me live

it’s nothing but good shows

bill burrow i talked to him a lot

and he told me it’s killing and obscurity he goes

2001 to 2006 was my killing and obscurity phase

because i was just

crushing it

everywhere you go

nobody knows who the fuck you are

and then it just

starts to snowball and

snowball and you get on this

thing and that

thing happens

and it’s just getting the people in notoriety

to have people be familiar

with your shit and then you know it will just all

start to fucking happen yeah

the key is just to keep doing comedy when i was on news

radio like i was always constantly

getting encouraged by people to not do it anymore

they were like a lot of

comedy you’re

you’re you’re

you’re an actor now

look at like a

paul riser who’s just

could have been you know stop

seinfeld kept

going all these guys

raven mono still does

stand up kevin

james i think it’s

still going

riser doesn’t do it at all anymore

riser just stopped all together he’s like

thank god you

know what working with helen hunt for 10 years

crushes every comedy instinct you have

every day you’re probably like what the fuck am i

doing for money

mean michael keaton

was a stand up there’s all

these actors dead

michael keaton

i haven’t seen any michael keaton

stand up batman was a stand up

what happened to michael keaton

stopped he still

shit no he’s working for a long

time we stopped

he stopped yeah

he dropped off and then

dropped off and

became like this

kind of like character actor guy

he went from being like this main

movie star to like a

break and then now he’s a character actor

which was really kind of a fascinating

transition well he was in the

movie the good guys with

the other guys with

will ferrell

ferrell i didn’t see that mark

he’s really

funny that he’s

bringing up

tlc references

it’s just weird that you know he was he was a

giant movie star at one point in time remember the the

clone movie fucking batman yeah

three men and a baby remember was he in that wasn’t he

tom gutenberg was in that with

steve gutenberg

steve gutenberg

sorry and here’s a steve comes our story

steve gutenberg

you know he’s lost his mind

and he used to be another one used to be a big

movie star and now the guy can’t get arrested he

doesn’t do anything

well the day phil hartman was murdered

steve gutenberg shows up at phil hartman’s

house and he didn’t know phil

i mean if he knew him he knew him like casually like

he didn’t know him like i knew him or like you know

someone who worked with him on saturday

night live might have known him

right he barely knew the guy

so he shows up with a fucking suit and tie

standing in front of phil hartman’s house

and acting as like a liaison

between the entertainment industry and the press

and trying to ask the press

to use respect and to use good judgment no way

to leave his family alone is trying time

and the way he did

it was what a weasley move it was so

creepy dude it was so like this poor fucking guy like

something happened like

he blew a fuse or something something

he must have had some sort of a breakdown

cause the idea of him even doing this

was it his neighbor or anything no

nowhere near him wow

there was a few

famous neighbors too he

lived down the

street from sam adams

i’m not sam adams

samuel jackson

sam adams the fuck’s

wrong with me i mean he had a

bunch of famous neighbors

and it wasn’t

someone saying hey

this is my neighbor please

leave him alone

a guy who just shows up and he says the cameras are

gonna be here

i’m just gonna get on camera and i’m gonna

speak for the

and he thought he

was like yeah it’s some sort of a message but the real

message that everybody was getting out of it was like

why the fuck is

steve gutenberg

there with a suit and tie on it well that’s the same

thing remember

brian holzman at the freddy

soto memorial

did you ever hear

about that no

where he goes

just yells out

and um have you

motherfuckers here

don’t even know freddy

just trying to fucking see if there’s a manager

or an agent

you fucking fuck

yeah everybody

look at all you

motherfuckers

it’s true though he’s

right one of freddy’s friends you never

one of freddy’s friends

admitted to

never being a virgin

right during the memorial he goes i knew freddy

would all get the biggest kick out of this and so i’m

gonna do it he goes i need to tell everybody

right now because i’m a virgin

oldsman goes up

after him and goes

first line is goes

i’ll fuck that virgin

please go fuck it’s a memorial the place goes

oh my god just

just i mean that’s a funny

ultimate is anyway so he

but then proceeds to say look at you motherfuckers

like all looking around like somebody’s here

and then um

joey diaz is the best thing at the marilyn martinez

memorial went off on this guy jeff valdez

i think he’s just

look everybody jeff valdez is there

fuck you jeff valdez

you know just walking you cocksucker

maryland fucking

hated you and we all fucking hate you fuck you jeff

at the memorial

whoa maryland

would love to fuck that i’m doing this for you now joey

it was one of the um

wow i have my hands on my face and he was going

thank you joey thank you

that much of a douchebag he’s a douchebag you know

he’s like one of

these guys who

would you step on your own fucking

mother that’s

where he’s yelling out

wow it was pretty it

was just joey was yelling at

cause he knew

marilyn would love it

just like that guy i told

her he goes

marilyn would want me to do this and she

would and she

would i went on the road with her

this is weird i mean i’ve been on the road with

marilyn martinez

mitch hedberg

so the guy passed away

dan crawford then

i was very good friends was in san francisco

which is horrible we do a benefit if you ever do

san francisco

punchline the dan crawford

memorial fund

you know we give a

comic a free liquor light

tab for the whole year

oh really scholarship because this guy was just a

great guy great partier

and he was one

of my good friends and he just fucking died we went to

oh sorry yes

brian just moved away

he went to the hospital he was a

comic living in his dad’s basement

okay and he

went to the hospital with a headache a public hospital

he didn’t have insurance he’s a comic

twenty four years old

and they said

no we can’t help you and they sent him away

and then he went back and

says really mad

you gotta help me and they give him vicodin

he went back to the garage

and they found him convulsing on the floor

because he had bacteria had gotten in his brain

and if had they seen him the

first time when he walked in he

would totally be alive wow

he was just a

comic he was a kind

kid without

health insurance so i mean if anybody’s up in the

bay area when i’m doing the dan crawford scholarship

thing in march

and we raise

money to give to like a

how would they find out

about the date

twitter yeah i’ll

definitely put it on twitter

okay so i’ll

magical on twitter

wow man so that

shit happens all the time so i’ve been around all

these guys and

great geraldo do

you know about

did you know

about jerry red wilson

did you know

jerry wilson you know i

heard that happening but i didn’t know the guy

jerry red wilson is another

great guy i knew him from the

scene in new york

really funny guy

gets really a lot of ethnic humor

irish kid and he called

jerry red wilson

gets a pilot and

his pilots in the middle of

shooting i think it went

what it did got cancelled anyway

the kids he’s always working he’s in the mix

and he’s got a headache he’s got some fucking problem

he goes to the hospital

and he’s waiting in line i

guess he’s waiting

in the waiting room for like an hour and a half and

he can’t take anymore fuck this i’m getting out of here

and he has to go to hawaii to film

the fantasy island the new version of fantasy island

and by the time

he gets there he’s so fucked up that he dies

he had meningitis

yeah and he had like

green shit leaking out of his ears he

had like some serious fucking infection in his brain

and he just let it go

you need to find a

place for you can go get

checked out yeah

yeah money that’s the problem

yeah he just what he just

ignored the she

was you know he was one of

those impatient guys

fuck this i ain’t got time for this get out of here

you know you had a

his career was

taken off he had a million

things going on

he was one of

those guys who

would talk to him and he was

just so obsessed with it he was like well we got a deal

right now at universal

and if that

doesn’t get picked up we got

more he was

hustling and bustling

yeah he was making it happen so for him

that hour and a

half sitting in that waiting room was just killing him

so he leaves and he fucking dies you know

shit and you’re not supposed to

fly with a sinus

infection they tell you that all the time you’re not

supposed to fly with that

i flew i flew once when i had pneumonia

oh my god when i because i got to get to a stupid gig

yeah and i just want

you know i’ll fly when i go to the pacific

northwest it feels like my head’s

gonna fucking explode

wow so you do that shit all the time and do

i mean you got it

i sometimes

get a little overboard hypochondriac a little bit

well you know

i got sick for the

first time this year in fucking years i

haven’t gotten sick

and i slacked off and here’s one of the reasons why

i take a lot of probiotics a

drink like kombucha

this kombucha

tea is fucking

super good for your health

is healthy coconut

juice is great too

but what happened with kombucha is

they got in

trouble with

whole foods because

their shit was more than one half of 1

alcohol so it has to be

labeled so they

watered the fuck down

there watered

their formula like seriously water

down where it

tastes like shit it does not

taste near its gts kombucha it used to

taste awesome it was like very carbonated very

strong and i really

enjoyed the flavor

but then it became like this like

it literally it feels like it’s half

water and half what it used to be and

i just i think it’s not it’s not

nearly as active like the the probiotics in and i don’t

think they’re nearly as strong

so i got sick like for the

first time ever do you really

think that’s why you got sick yeah you know why

absolutely this is why i

think it because i’ve

never been sick before and i’ve been

drinking that shit almost

every day so it

it changes within

a month of it

changing i go and i get sick for the

first time i really

think that makes

sense i went to a vitamin shop

and i walked in there and i was

deathly ill

and i said what are you selling all the time

that works for immunity and

stuff flying off the

shelf what is it and he took me to a

thing called sambucall

black elderberry shit that you

drank and there’s pills for it i

would take down on a regular basis whenever i get sick

cleaned right up

i mean it really does work it’s there are

definitely probiotics and what they do is they attack

all the negative shit in your body all the unhealthy

bacteria you know it’s like you’re keeping healthy

troops on hand acidophilus is a big one i hadn’t

taken acidophilus in forever i

would see that

reason why is because i was

drinking this kombucha

all the time i was like i don’t need to supplement with

acidophilus i’m getting plenty of probiotics from this

so then once this

stuff went bad

i started taking acidophilus

again now i take acidopus every day

that’s in milk

yeah it’s a milk

culture yogurt

you can buy

it in pills you can buy it on

live form you have to keep it

refrigerated

you know but

it’s you know

especially if you get

older man you

start being real cognizant

of your health

yeah i start thinking

about it i go to a gym and i’ve been trying to go

every single day

my resolution is holding up so far

and even if i can just go for a little bit i get my

heart going and i stretch

just trying to keep

everything in

shape because i’m all

you know you don’t talk into the

microphone dude your

voice varies

oh is this significantly

sorry i’m looking at you at

the same time

no i’m sorry

let’s turn so we don’t have to do that because

it’s like your

voice is like real low and then all of a

sudden it’s real high so the people on the

ecliptical machine

right now with

their headphones in and like this fucking

magical tell them

where the mic is

see where the sign is

where the words are yeah that’s the part we should talk

to perfect i was on the top of it

you were ready dude

you were right there

anyway so you go to the gym yeah

taking taking a better care of myself i feel like i

could when i saw that

ufc fight for the first you

ready felt like i

could fucking get in there

somebody up

i certainly feel like

i have the mindset for it like i really feel like i

could kick somebody

kill her i used to

fire people you know that was my job when you first met

me is that i like up in the air with george clooney

yeah i used to be

i terminated over a thousand people

really yeah

i’m just like that was

my job at my parents family businesses that i used to

the fucking hatchet man you got some negative

karma shit going

on well now they deserved it for the most part

so but sometimes you had

to you’d send

an unfortunate time it’s like it’s not it’s like

a privilege to be working and having somebody pay you

if you had a fucking employee and you didn’t have the

money anymore

there’s nothing else we can do

it’s there’s a

bunch of different ways of looking at this economy

being all fucked up and i see some people are very

pragmatic look at it like hey you know what these jobs

these jobs at

these people are losing

these jobs weren’t important in the

first place these

motherfuckers

you know we lost all our jobs overseas and what we

need to do is strengthen our economy and this is just

a symptom of a bigger evil

i see that but an

individual one on one basis man whenever i

think about

these people that are

going broke and people that are losing their

houses and people that don’t know what to do

especially if i

think that they’re dumb

and that they’re you know

their occupation options are

limited and

then they have children and shit to it’s like fuck man

these poor fucks were led to believe that this

whole thing

that this ship was

gonna sail it’s

gonna be fine

well also it’s what you’re talking about with

stand up if you just decide to

check out and work and you just like you reach a

thirty thousand dollar job and you say this is it

is all i need

right my father

in law did that shit he’s the type of guy who would go

and sit in a big recliner

and get like a thirsty two ouncer

just fucking sit there and watch tv

no aspirations to do anything

and he please go but

people are fucking like that there’s

a lot of people like that

a lot of people like that you just become complacent

you’re like this is good

right here i don’t know if it’s bad

i think there’s a machine

going on man i

think we’re all little

pieces of this fucking

giant machine

you know and i

think you can look at it like

what you’re doing is very important

and that what you’re doing has meaning to it but

really it has meaning to you and as meaning

to the people who like it but what is what is its

place in the overall

grand scheme i don’t know man

i don’t know

these people sitting there with

drinks they

might be on to something

they might be on to something the guy who’s the

bouncer just

sat there with the

power and no job

that guy was not on something

i don’t i don’t believe that

i think that guy needs to get a real fucking job

certainly 40 year old

super genius yeah

we need all the

super geniuses tell

people not to puke on his

shoes yeah working a

good project

yeah no hats yeah hey

are you super

genius yeah no hats yeah no hats my favorite

is like they tell you how to wear your hat like

no hats backwards like i like wearing hats backwards

that’s how i wear

especially cause when i play pool

i can see the

balls better i don’t want a big fucking floppy bill

but i went to a pool hall

once and the guys like you got to turn your cap around

like what you

gotta turn my hat around like

really that’s your rule that’s sloppy

and hat around in

front ways oh that’s fucking so much better i

look very good

gentlemen yeah

especially when you wear it up high

a little bit

oh the other

thing was no wallet chains

could have wall

chains either i had to put my wallet

chain in my pocket

choke out gotham

gotham comedy club remember that do they have no wall

chains no no no hats allowed at gotham comedy club

like yeah it’s a comedy club and they were

still getting on me

while you’re filming there and like no i’m with joe

and they still were like

take it off wow

come on that’s so

silly what looks

worse a hat or a hat head

definitely hat head

yeah well who’s getting offended by hats

i mean it’s one

thing if you’re wearing some

crazy fucking philist diller

thing with feathers and

no one can see behind you

fucking charlie

chaplin was the last person to be offended by a hat

you know or

somebody back in the day

where they take off hats

every time they

eat sure it is

is sort of a

three stooges like you know

they invade the rich people’s party

another one of my favorites is

when you go somewhere and they say your

shirt has to have a collar yeah

like oh we talked

about that before

that was podcast about

or it’s like in a

lot of parks in la

it says a big sign says no soccer

no parties and like no soccer no parties my

why not just say no mexicans

please mexican

elsewhere no soccer

why would not you not want

soccer i guess

people are trying to have picnics right

foot soccer

if you’re white i

think you can sort

of do whatever you want if a

latino soccer game

breaks out which they’ve been

known to in los angeles

they stop it they stop it that’s

hilarious man it’s a fucking park is it they are they

thinking that they dominate the park

and they make it unsafe for

whites i have no idea

they just live there

know what i don’t know what’s

at the top of that dragon

he’s making that is that what that is

gotta be yeah

mmm trying to

bring it back to the way it was in the 50s sure

no latino park disturbance

i’ve watched a madman

where they just there in a park

and they take

their big blanket

and they just dump the thing

and shake out the

blanket and all the garbage just goes everywhere

and then they just walk away

that’s how they used to do shit just litter

and fucking

you know in

our public parks were just complete what you’re talking

about earlier with the water

supply yeah

that’s how people used to rock it just

if i can throw a

coke out the window out the window

yeah so people

still do that all the time with

cigarettes do you do that

brian please say you don’t no no i

knock the cherry off into a

usually have like a can

yeah car and then i just

i’ve seen i’ve seen

burger king bags out the window i honked

like what i mean i did

i don’t know why i honked i just fucking hawk

like hey that’s fucked

up and a big hand came out and just went yeah course

yeah there’s a lot of cunts out there

we’re for some own teenagers

you know what i see a lot man i see

fucking priuses

those toyota priuses

and then i see the person driving the prius

flick a cigarette out the window i see that shit all

the time save the earth

i i i mark it down

i see it so many times i mark it down i’ve seen it

seven times wow that’s crazy

seven times over the past

three years that i’ve been looking for it

you know it’s

definitely something that people do in

other states

all the time

and in california

they don’t do it

yeah people do it

less littering

quite a bit in the midwest

oh yeah you don’t even

think about it in ohio that’s just what everyone does

like i didn’t get it

until when i

first moved out here and you got mad at me because i

flicked my cigarette on the

ground and you got mad at me i’m like what it’s just a

cigarette and then you were like pick that up

brian blah blah

never heard anyone tell me to pick up a cigarette

there’s a lot of people

i mean the cigarettes are

going there’s a lot of people

on the street

burning trash in

their backyard as well

like that shit is happening

that’s happening i mean i’m sure people are listening

where that’s commonly done or you have

all right all this douchey behavior

how do you stop it

what the fuck do you do

to change people what do you do to turn people around

how do you what do you what do you do

you just kind

of just concentrate

on yourself i mean you volunteer

something and try to help i mean you

could go the

extra step i mean if you can’t control your own shit

first of all

like my wife is recycling

like everything i get yelled

at for not putting something in the fucking recess

too yeah okay

but meanwhile some chinese guy down the

block is burning a tire

you know it’s fucking what the fuck

i mean how am i supposed to

really care that much

it gets separated out the homeless people are coming by

too in my neighborhood and rooting through everything

they’re like

sorting it it’ll get sorted out eventually shit

so like anyway

but how are you supposed to care you can only worry

about yourself

and that’s the same thing with

stand up and like that’s what we’ve been talking

about the entire time so

right but as a whole

if you looked at the

human race or looked at just

the human race in america

you know the ones that we

understand the

culture that we

understand sure how the fuck do you fix it

how do you fix this

culture is everyone getting organized if we

can one common goal of living in harmony

and like in a safe and

clean environment

right there be no

crimes that guy

throwing burger king bags out

his window and giving you the finger

how do you connect to that guy we’re fucked i don’t

think there’s any way

can to connect to that guy because that guy

maybe was brought up in a house

where he was a homeless kid and

didn’t have anything he had this horrible fucking life

that you know

what he was just a douchebag

just a fat douchebag and his dad’s a fat douchebag

look i’ve got all kinds of

things like when i see people on pay phones

i’m like there is no

reason why you shouldn’t have

a fucking cell phone

no i’m just talking

about like there’s i mean

they’re giving them away

and like if you’re broke

and you’re on a pay

phone it’s used for something illegal tap

every single fucking one of

those and just arrest

those fucking

that’s funny that could easily just be

broke people do it or if someone loses their phone

40 ounce like you

sound like an elitist a 40 ounce

nothing good has ever gone they’re great if you want to

watch super fly and review it they’re the best thing

to drink all right

no is that once with a

buddy of mine we watched country club

was that country club is another one what is it

it’s another mall liquor that’s actually oh is

it yeah we had old english and

there was another one fuck

i forget what it was

but there’s a bunch of those that are only

they’re really marketed

something king cobra i think it was

marketed for the black community like straight up

you know the

smart taste to go down easy

like even the way it’s written like the ads are written

just like just straight to the

african american community and when you

start drinking that stuff

those are so

strong and they’re so strong and you don’t give a fuck

you drink that shit

you don’t give a fuck a surgeon

booms is that what it’s called like

strawberry farm boons i

train there’s what is that boom

strawberry farm it’s like a sweet wine

sweet wine that was like marketed to taste really good

grape wine grape

juice yeah grape juice for

drink really is yeah because

yeah how do you fix that well there’s also cisco

and all that

shit i mean just really high alcohol content

we know that loco

for loco do you hear

about that one i had it

pulling it off

the market oh yeah

somebody had it on new year’s that

i wasn’t sure i was talking about

i took a shot of it

i was up all

night with help

heart palpitations whoa

i really felt like the four loco really fucked me up

i’ve heard people

died off of it yeah a couple people are so

it’s banned

and somebody had

a big ass can

you go al you

gotta try the four loco it’s banned

oh i’ll just

take a sip of it

this is bad you only took one sip

and it jacked you dude i feel like it fucked my whole

night i had the most surreal new year’s sacramento

punch line it’s in a

strip mall next to us

sleep trained and

how about arden mall it’s in the

strip mall it is a

barber college you’ve been to that

place haven’t you

a cell phone

store a yeah

just in a strip mall yeah at the upstairs next

big mattress store

right right right all kinds of weird shops red lobster

next to a tony roma’s next to an outback like just

nothing right

and i’m in there on new years and people had paid 50

a ticket to go

to this new year show and it was a good shot i mean i

it really didn’t get up there in half ass

right 50 dollar

ticket but it was

weird i mean

spending your new years in

a fucking strip mall yeah dancing some guy were dom

perry young

strip mall and he’s trying to show off in

front of his

girlfriend and a

fight broke out because somebody spilled it

wow oh really it was a whole

weird and i was filming the whole

thing i was filming this old lady lip

i really was on my flip i’m

gonna add the

video i’ll make sure i put that on twitter as well but

people came

up to me and was like are you filming our mom

and i go no i’m not feeling

your i sorta was filming their mom

not really you

couldn’t make out who it was in my flip camera

and then the kid who’s the

son of the mama was dancing was dancing really fucking

funny with his

young latino kid and she was old and this

latino kid was just dry humpering her on the

dance floor

so i’m like this is my new year’s

you know what a horrible fucking new year’s and

they came up and the guy says

i’ve been looking for an excuse to kick your ass the

whole night

oh i go what the

why where’d that come from i

haven’t fucking done anything

like it was a horrible fucking new year’s wow

sounds better in the mind though

at least you were outside of the house

stayed in oh yeah

brian had a

fight with this girl on new year’s man

girl left me

this girl left him on new year’s man

that same girl we were talking

about not only does girl

leave him on new year’s

trashy vixen

it’s a long story

that’s not cool

we don’t have to we’ll have to play that prince on

again no trust me it’s for the best this time

last time she

broke up with

him we had to play the prince on i got a broken

heart again

do you really feel bad

about it no i don’t

feel bad at all you know what it’s like man

this is what i described it it’s the same way

i describe people who are doucheed you on the internet

that it’s like a little bit of

snake venom

a little bit of

snake venom gets you immune to

snake venom

so that snake

after it bites you

three or four times

after a while like hey

get the fuck

out of here you’re not poisoning me anymore

yeah she was one of

those relationships

where like we

would break up

and then you know something happened and then i

would take her

back just because i know how broken she is

and then this third time

was just like so

quick in fact like we

started dating again

next thing i know she’s almost

moved in she’s talking

about getting

married and like this is like in two weeks

and she just got out of a relationship

where this guy like

cheated on her or something like that

and it was the most intense

zero to 60 in two weeks

and then one day it was just out of nowhere she just

started going

crazy picking

fights with me out of nowhere i’m like what the fuck is

going on next

thing i notice

next day she’s

tweeting her ex boyfriend like

pictures together

like are you

what the fuck is going on

and i keep on finding all this shit she left at my

house and one of the

thing is is like she had a memory card in my camera

that she must have used my camera and the funniest

thing is is like

pictures of her in this guy

and then the next day

pictures of me and her

it’s like doing the

exact same poses

like arms around each other

and it was like two days it was

actually two days it’s like you’re

photoshopped in over that

other guy wow

yeah matter

well you know what it is and

this is how i describe it to you

there’s some people that are addicted

to that charge of an initial

relationship when someone is just in love with you

right you know when you meet

someone man and you you know you fucking really click

and you’re hanging out and you’re fucking like four or

five times a day and you just kissing all the time you

can’t wait to see him

that’s like an intense

fucking you know

intense romantic thing

and then i got

married yeah

it works that way sometimes yeah

and then when you’re in a situation

where let’s

be quite honest about this

the girl perhaps

might be a bit

above you on the food chain

right not a lot but a bit

right happens

well then you’re

stepping on eggshells because you’re afraid

of offending her

because you’re in the situation where like

jesus i don’t want to fuck this up like this

is the greatest

thing of all

time this is so perfect

she’s got the perfect body

not gonna find another

one of these

again i’m telling all my friends dude look at this

picture can you believe i’m fucking this this is insane

wow and so then

they get addicted

to that really intense part of the relationship

where you just enamored by them

and then as time goes on

you get comfortable with each

other and then she becomes your

girlfriend and when she becomes your girlfriend

then you just kind of like lack of days ago around each

other you don’t care if your

hair is fucked up you don’t care if your breath smells

you know you

pee with the door open

hot box each

other and she

doesn’t give a fuck either

and so you know it

some weird thing

where you just get real comfortable with each other and

you don’t fuck as much

and then some

other guy comes

along and that

other guy shows the same potential

for being the guy that’s

so in love with you and this is it it’s supposed to be

about us we’ve had some problems in the past

we’re gonna fucking

stick together forever for till

death we’re

gonna have babies yes

and then the rage is on

again and it’s just this

mad fucking

crazy dash from one person to the next

who can provide the next charge the next

beginning of the relationship is thunderous

orgasmic type of

interaction and it sucks because i’ve gotten to the

age where i totally know that you know and

so i am like

this person gets hurt and i’m like you know

i want you to know

i can tell you what happened to our relationship and

we can really work this together and i’ll do the

stupid take girl back i need to

i don’t know i just need to

stop you know what man i need

to stop dating girls

how old are

you now dating guys

oh that’s it you know

like all the shit that’s at my

house and i’m like oh wow a sock

and i’m like i need to date guys cause then they can

leave things like oh gillette sensor

blades razor

you know like

a video game

no he left me a video game i hate the shit that girls

leave over how old are

these relationships 36

that’s good how old are you 39

see i thought you were way younger than me

um i think you know

look it’s it’s

hard to find someone that you fucking jive

with all the time sure and sometimes people can keep it

together for long stretches

where they really are the perfect girlfriend

for like two weeks this crazy

bitch really is the perfect

girlfriend she’s a lot of fun she wants to cook

she’s hilarious she

cracks jokes i look forward to seeing her

then after that two weeks the fucking

crazy comes out

and after the two weeks it’s what am i

gonna do for a living

and what am i

gonna do for

this and what happens when i get old and what am i

gonna do when i’m

fifty and fucking

sure these licks are not

gonna last forever i’ve got a kind of a strategy i

gotta figure out what

i wanna date a

blind deaf girl no

what you got a date dude

ready for this

yeah you gotta date

civilians civilians

you gotta date

civilians absolutely my wife so you’re a

teacher bango

perfect civilians

listen you are you’re a creative weirdo

okay and if you’re dating another creative weirdo she’s

gonna be just as

fucked up as you are but in a way you can’t understand

because she’s

gonna be a woman

that’s what the hardest part

about living in

california though is because 90

of the population is out here to be in the same

entertainment industry

a lot of regular

nights so i know

some of my wife’s

teacher friends that are very single and

available yeah

they’re tainted

they’re tainted they’re out here

listen they know how

magical he’s probably fucked

are we going

texas anytime soon joe dude we

gotta move to

colorado with me i’m moving back

are you back yeah

i want my kids to be raised in colorado

i don’t want my kids to be raised in

california i

think this place is just it

hums at too high a

frequency you’re in

a nice area

yes that’s and i want to go further out

i want to live on a

ranch dude i like living

in the woods

that’s what i live i want to live by a lake

in the woods

i like to be around nature on

a way i want to see deer that if shit goes bad i can

shoot those bitches and eat them that

exist why don’t

you go out to palm springs or into desert man

in the you know it’s out there meth and gay people what

about arrow

what about arrowhead

that’s good

that’s a move

that’s a possibility i know a lot of people have to

arrowhead places and you can get here quick

two hours yeah i might

look at like getting

maybe like a vacation now someday in

their head that

would be the shit and i just i want to

just like living in the woods man

in fact i loved living in boulder i loved

the idea that i

would see like fucking deer

every day driving home that there was

eagles flying overhead

the guy was saying

deers that you see

every day is

gonna jump in

front of your car and you’re gonna

fuck deers and yeah but

you know i just get a big ass bumper and you’re good

what about i didn’t

drive my car yeah that’s the problem

mrs rogan’s not so fucking good at driving in snow

yeah well why even

move somewhere

where there’s snow that’s why you see good but

also if you go on the road and you sort of strand

her out there in this

cabin right

well that was part of the

issue and then our dog got

eaten by a mountain lion the real

thing that sent us home though was that we were

8500 feet above sea level

and she got pregnant

and when you’re that high above sea

level if your body’s even if you’re

living there your

whole life the kids

still gonna have to go on oxygen

no more kids joe

no more kids you stopping off at two

my loads are

still fucking devastatingly good

i’m ready shoot

another one there

testing it’s hard man just taking care of two little

babies at the

same time you know one two and a half and one nine

months old or

seven months old it’s so cute

it’s the greatest

thing in the

world people

don’t i always

tell people that kids

and mushrooms

are very similar

and then if you’ve

never experienced it if you

never had your own kid and if you’ve

never really done mushrooms shut the

fuck up you really don’t know i used to talk about kids

you know i didn’t

understand what it was

until you have a kid

and the other

thing that you

understand is that

stop doing that whatever you’re doing

the other thing

that you realize when you have a kid is that you change

and you hit some

weird new next

level of evolution

where there’s so much more at

stake now and there’s some

you become a more serious person it’s really

weird i feel like a real man too

i feel like a man exactly

i mean i’m still very

silly and i obviously make a living

sure sure sure sure

you know and i still

smoke a lot of weed

which is also a

weird thing with a lot of people that’s like they

think some for some reason or

other you’re not supposed to smoke weed

you know that like smoking

weed when you’re a father like set some sort of a

weird example

or that it’s a bad

thing but but

i’ll go well how come i can go to a restaurant and

order a beer and nobody even blinks

that’s fine nobody says a word

about that i go and get some wine

with dinner and

nobody looks at me

they ask me if i want it

if i said no but you guys got a

place where i can hit this joint

they’d be like whoa what the

fuck your children are here either way if you’re too

baked though if you get too

drunk i mean not even

sure say you just get wasted

course some guys just fucking

crushing it and in

able to operate like if i get too high

yeah i can’t

function and also i’m really bad with booze to two

drinks i’m fucking tipsy

you know like i’m

drunk yeah yeah

yeah you’re a

lightweight you’re

no no i am a

lightweight

no i definitely don’t i don’t

think you should be

drunk or high

around your kids that’s not what i’m saying

but i’m saying like i’m not

gonna change like who i am you know

i don’t have to like become

this fucking straight edge person just because all of a

sudden i have children

if i thought there was something

wrong with smoking pot i

would have stopped doing it because i

think it’s bad for you

if like it was detrimental

to my health or to my mental well being or something

if i thought it was something

an issue that i needed to deal with i

would deal with it as an

issue but i don’t

think there’s an

issue i think it’s

beneficial i

think it helps my personality

it helps me

enjoy life it helps me write like

crazy it is like

steroids for writing

when i get high and i

write i am just i just strap in

and ride this wave that i connect to i get

high and i go into the isolation tank and i rethink my

whole life and it

i come up with new strategies and new ways of behaving

and i have a new appreciation for

everything and a new

respect and love

for my friends and my family

i end up calling people that i

haven’t talked to in months

just getting out of the tank

dude i just want to tell you

man i mean we don’t hang out but i love you man we’re

friends and you know i get these

crazy conversations like

i just gotta make sure i say all

these things that i need to say it’s like it

re invigorates

me but also being a dad hopes that i mean that does

too yeah i mean

the combination of the two

things people don’t realize that

that’s there is that

you do feel

like taking a step back and not taking

things so seriously either

even though i still get

fired up i keep

everything in perspective

very well too i mean

i’m not making too many fucking

stupid decisions over here

yeah you get more in tune with love

you know and that

sounds fucking very gay

super gay but it is what it is man it’s like you get

more in tune with love and that’s honestly that’s what

what weed is all

about too weed is

about getting you in tune

with love getting you in tune with happiness weed is a

happy drug it’s it’s about

friendships and and hugs and having a good time and

laughing and giggling together

you know it’s not it’s not a bad drug

it’s an theogen

and that’s what people have to understand

everything is lumped together in this one big

stupid group called drugs

and included our

caffeine and

alcohol and then dangerous shit like heroin and fucking

you know and math and all

those are drugs but there’s also drugs that literally

change the way your fucking mind works

and in a good way

and they’re here to make you

more humble make you feel better

and the reason why people have bad trips

is because there’s a lot of shit

about your life that’s douchey man

you need to

clean that shit up

why are you paranoid

why are you

freaking out well you

should be freaking out

that’s why people

do a lot of drugs in college too when you’re younger

and you don’t have as much responsibility but

more and more responsibility you have and then

when you do drugs you

start thinking

about all that shit that’s why people

to freak out sure but if you’re just more carefree

person in the

first place and the college is a perfect example

cause you really don’t have too many responsibilities

you can go home by yourself for the

first time and

not have anybody scrutinize you once you get there

and so it’s an opportunity

no no real bills to fucking pay

i mean if somebody’s taking care of it

so less responsibility

and you can’t just fucking let go

completely but

more and more shit that you got

going on like a daughter

and we talked

about the porn

thing with the data

like you just

start to put

you have more shit

built up the thing

about porn is you know i don’t

wanna say why anybody gets into porn

cause i don’t know i’m not a girl

i’m not a girl that’s getting fucked on camera i don’t

understand you

maybe you really are

a healthy person it’s just fun for you that’s possible

doctor drew says no

but like then

again i said i’m not i’m not i’m not a

woman i’m not

a doctor i don’t really

understand but

i think are the ones that i’ve come in contact with

almost all of them had some fucked up childhood

almost all of them

i think it’s pretty much mandatory yeah there’s no

other way to do it

right right

it’s like the reason why you got into it in the

first place is not

a healthy reason so it’s just this massive evidence and

even if you’re the coolest person to hang out with ever

like a lot of them

are you know a lot of them really fun to hang out with

you’re still you’re this way because somebody

was shitty to you that’s what

they were talking

about think

about yeah they were talking

about that on that

green room show

with paul province

of before the one you were on

and they were talking

about how everybody’s

all comics dads

or some shit

like that like yeah

there is some

comics some dad shit

dad shit always yeah well

you don’t ever become a

comic or anything like that a singer or

anything where

you’re asking for this exorbitant amount of attention

like this really unbalanced amount of attention

to say i want

to be a comedian is to say i want to be the one with a

light shining on me

while everyone else is in the dark

with my voice amplified

and i wanna be

above them i wonder

if standing

above their heads

never think of it like that at all yeah

that’s what it is that’s what it is that’s what it is

you wanna be

above the crowd you know

nobody wants to do a show where

everyone is

in the balcony staring down on you and you’re one level

below them you

would feel disconnected if you didn’t have that

floor filled in

you would feel

disconnected

the whole thing is a really

ridiculous request

and so to wanna do that for a living

you have to have some

giant deficit you’re trying to make up for some fucking

crazy hole in your childhood

you know but

none of us really

think i don’t

think i have it that bad you know

it’s pretty

you don’t have to have it that bad now

and i think one of the reasons why is because you’re

self healed when you have

a family of your own and you have your own children

all of a sudden that shit goes away

you don’t need your

daddy anymore man i don’t need my

dad can get hit in the head by a fucking meteor not my

stepdad who raised me my real dad who i don’t even know

i wouldn’t give a fuck like

i don’t need a dad you know

i’m a dad myself thanks

thanks take care

i gotta know

sorry sorry you got hit in the head by a meteor

you know what i mean

but when i was

seven it was devastating when i was

seven like that guy like the fact that

my dad wasn’t in my life anymore was just like whoa

just crushing

and so that

whatever sets you off when you’re

seven or whatever it is whatever

age it is you have

this dad issue

that’s what

gives you this incredible energy and desire to pursue

this stand up comedy thing

the key is somewhere

along the line you have to

shift your motivation

and your motivation has to go from

i want all this attention to i

wanna produce all this art and make people happy

i wanna produce all this shit that people love i want

people to come see how

magical and concert i’m

gonna give them a fucking rocking show

where they get all

excited and can’t wait to see me

again i think

about what my

one of my kids i can’t help but think

about this i think

about my kids looking at my

standup when

they’re 18 years

old and looking back and seeing what i did are you

still smoking cigarettes

no i’m done you’re done yeah completely

i quit almost

i feel like a year ago

right around now

how many times a day do you

think about it

i don’t know why this

motherfucker he quits

and his cat hurts her foot

the cat hurt her foot

so he was it her yeah

yeah cat hurt her foot

she jumped off the refrigerator and hurt her foot

so he got so stressed out he

started smoking

cigarettes again

yeah i mean it’s always something for me

i mean it’s

if it’s a relationship problem or if it’s my

cat get hurt problem it’s all it’s all excuses i mean

cigarettes i even

i know you just you say that you’re over and

stuff like that

but most people when they even if it’s been a year

i still thought

about it at

least once a week

and then the reason

i saw actually i saw a commercial that made me quit

wow one of those non smoking commercials

and it was great one it said

it was there for you then

you know you did it

after you smoked in the morning you smoked at

night you smoked after

lunch you smoked when your

daughter was born you smoked here you

smoke there

because you did it you tried

now you’re done

like that and just put it you gave it a shot

like i smoked

i really did

smoke and i’m just done with it i

think if i have kids that’s

gonna be a real big pushy

thing but when you’re hanging out at a comedy club

drinking and

every single person’s smoking it is almost

impossible to fucking quit smoking

unless you have something like a kid at home

that you’re like okay i’m doing anything for this is

especially when you get a couple of

drinks and you like fuck yeah but

everybody else

is smoking and you’re sitting around it’s also an

easy way to step away from a situation like if i’m at a

party one of the best things

about smoking for me is that you were in a party

and i get to walk outside and just sort

of collect my thoughts and be by myself

right and then

maybe he’s out there and it’s cool another cool smoker

guy what’s up what’s up you see that chicken there

whatever is

and so you have a tiny meeting away

from the fucking event i used

to see that back in boston

when they had to do it and it was fucking zero degrees

on green and

these poor junkies were

standing outside

these fucking queer laws

smoke in the city we

fucking can’t even

smoke inside anymore what’s next yeah

you just go

it’s the ability to step away from shit

yeah i really did miss that’s what all meetings

little tiny meeting

little tiny meetings that’s funny

so you’re in a little tiny club

that’s kind of interesting when you look and a club

where you meet with

the regular people at the regular time so you see t bow

who i’m sure you’ve had

cigarettes with have you had

cigarettes with

jason tebow oh

yeah all the time all the time he’s one of my favorite

cigarette smoker guys exactly so he has his regular

cigarette guys that he

sees and he knows if he sees corp mccown he can get a

cigarette off him he knows if he sees

this guy renezezie used to

smoke and he just quit so if you see

steve renezezie

you can smoke to you know he’s got

cigarettes isn’t

that a part of it too that you support each

other like you

give each other

can i bomb a cigarette

you always give the guy a cigarette

cause you know

that if you see him and you have a cigarette

he’s got a cigarette

and you’re good a

lot of watering

and i see you people do that at bars

too that don’t even know people you got a spare yeah

they’ll ask you for a fucking free cigarette

like that’s like saying

can i have a dollar

you know i was a take two guy

because i knew he’d need one for later

really one for

later generous

motherfucker yeah

he did that a

lot did that to daryl last

night yeah you know what

you like a guy a lot you see you see a

tebow right

here you know what

tebow i have another one

i fucking bust out

three you know

yeah no just put one behind the ear

did you did you ever go the natural

cigarettes route

where you try to get

those american

spirits i smoked

a parliament

light hardback and i smoked a marble

light hardback

and that was it

and what happened brian

those natural acts and not the way to go they

supposedly are better for you because they have

only tobacco in it and no pesticides and none of the

whatever 102 chemicals but

they’re taking

a drag of a twig

yeah it’s so hard and rough

that i actually felt like more shit the next day waking

up on that it takes 15 minutes this one on regular

cigarettes in

about seven

minutes not even

half of it is just expensive

explosive chemicals you’re sucking in yeah

you know there’s 599 fda

approved chemical additives that are in cigarettes

joe was always on me not to smoke

you have children i know i know i know you were

on it and then also when i did before i had children i

you hear that sound

before you had children

the volcano

i’m not doing that’s the volcano

it’s come alive

okay that’s got a request

answer quest is to fuck you up

we’re talking

about smoking

and there’s a you know a lot

of people say well marijuana you know you’re smoking

that’s bad for you that’s not good

well there’s a

thing called the

vaporizer ladies and gentlemen

and what it is is it looks like a ufo

and it’s jiffy pop

yeah it looks like it’s making

jiffy pop but what it’s really doing is

taking my ground up

plant material

and vaporizing it so that there’s no smoke

but instead it’s a mist and it’s a thc mist

and what it does is it fills

this bag up with this thc mist oh it’s filling up now

it’s looking good how long have you had that leg in it

i’ve had it for a

while man i

think i got it a few years ago

and because your bag leaks a little bit you know

bad then we’re gonna do

gift idea if you wanted to

get you a new bag i really

i need a new bag is it turn off by itself

no you just wait is it

gonna pop look at it no not ready

it’s not ready yet

looking good though

scary yeah this is

don’t be a bit

like walking

around balloons and not hitting the ceiling

it’s vapor bro it’s thc

vapor and the

thing is it looks like

nothing like when you breathe

it in and breathe it out y’all sometimes you know you

think you got anything

you want with the

clear bag but all bags are pretty much

clear so you can see the

mist in these

exactly well

this is just the same bag that i’ve had for years i’m

probably supposed to be replacing that no that’s why

ladies i mean yeah it is a good gift idea

if you’re thinking

about gifting

this volcanoes are fucking expensive yeah i

think like six hundred dollars or something like that

yeah i was thinking

about getting one and then i was like

this is the this is what you get out of it this

strange thing and inside this strange

thing is i don’t know

jesus you’re going crazy

and that just sticks around for a

while you can use that later yeah that’s it bam son

pure thc you don’t have to worry about smoke

if you worry about shit being bad for you how magical

you’re still going on the children are you

still going on the road

yeah yeah you go you go with ari

yeah ari comes all the time

joey when you can count on them

you never know what joey

is because he might pull a joey

i just know shell

what’s that and just no show

um i actually

started taking two people on the road with me

for the very reason

that i never knew of joey diaz is gonna show up

so joey diaz is the reason

was that did you hear that

did you hear uh

feedback no do you hear us yeah

hmm was that just you rustling

maybe you just kick something we sat down maybe

anyway i used to

take joey diaz

on the road all the time

until we worked in rascals

and worked in

rascals in new jersey and joey just didn’t show up

he just never flew to new jersey

and he didn’t answer his

phone he had a pager

back then it’s impossible to get in

touch with them

and then finally we got in

touch with him the next day

he’s like i’m coming tonight don’t

worry about it i’ll be there don’t worry

about it i’m there don’t

worry i miss my flight i fucked up i got

stuck in vegas

so it’s maybe

an hour before the show

and we finally get a hold of joey

diaz and he’s

still back in la or

vegas i forget

where he was like i ain’t got a lot of your doors done

vegas i never got on the plane

just he just

he just whatever reason

he just decided to go off and do his own joey diaz

world that’s

great and he’s done that so many times

he did that in phoenix

he just he just fucking vanish i’m telling you that

story of him at the

marilyn martinez

maybe there’s somebody who talked

about that but

i mean it was just really one of the best

things i’ve ever witnessed

just telling somebody off at a memorial

those fucking memorials

they bought me out man

yeah i went to mitch

yeah mitch was

i mean i don’t

go to anybody’s i don’t like funerals either

i don’t like the idea behind if i want to celebrate

somebody i want to celebrate it on my own and to

think about

their life and you know my personal relationship

with them and if i mean if i mean it’s cool

with you if you want to meet up with everybody and talk

about how great the guy was and

celebrate them i get it i totally

understand it

but to me it’s just like man it’s such a personal thing

when someone dies

i wouldn’t have

public official died in

tucson i mean

they saw all the people in

obama spoke

yeah that was a lot

of people how many people were at that event you know

no it’s a shitload

of people and a

university arizona

probably in the

basketball stadium

easily about

eight thousand people it’s

weird right

and well you know in that case though it’s like

those people need healing

you know those people are going oh

absolutely yeah

with something that

happened like that little girl got shot like that that

thing is so devastating

and apparently cops have been called to this guy’s

house the guy who did that

shooting in arizona

well they pulled it over on

right there

jesus did they really they

pulled away he got arrested for

yeah he had

some sort of

violation he got pulled over oh my god they didn’t

check that he’s got guns

guns in a bag

jesus fucking christ

when anyone goes

to load up and went to walmart and bought a shitload

of bullets too i

think it’s just

gotta be some

check like don’t

you think so

like somebody just

let’s take a

picture and send it

i’m sure all that’s being done i don’t even know i feel

i feel bad for the cop that pulled him over

who has to think that you know

had he done a little bit more of an investigation

i just looked into this he probably had some

inkling but he’s probably you know whatever

leave the guy alone

other people talking

about that or

they to people talking

about the fact that he was stopped and i

never heard it i didn’t hear

until you just brought it up

that’s crazy though the

photos of that kid the mugshot

photos looks

just as bananas as anybody

could look yeah i can’t look any crazy yeah

yeah that’s but that’s me

again with the payphone shit is like i would yeah

inspect them

you know well then the

other thought is that you know if you look at

the whole machine of life if you look at all

these different

things in life the good and the bad

there’s a lot

of people that believe and this is you know

this is sort of a staple in eastern religion

said almost you sort of have to have

negative in your life to recognize

the positive and the yin and yang the reason why it

exists because

that’s the only way ever anything ever gets done

and like even events like 9 11

like they’re terrible events but

in some ways they

bring people together

like new york after 9 11

after that was like the friendliest fucking

place in the

world for the longest time

senators holding hands with

on top of it was just different man people were you

know everyone was devastated people

were shell shocked they were horrified

but there was this

weird feeling and air of

a group of people that are all cool

motherfucker i’m weak

now i feel better about mine

text earlier

somebody just call me once i

swear to god i unplug that fucking

thing anyway

there was a

sense of community there that didn’t

exist and it fazed

away now we’re

back back to douchiness

but for the longest

time man everyone was so fucking cool there so positive

we went there we filmed a fear factor i

think it was right

after september or whatever

there wasn’t far

after it like

maybe a year or two after

everybody was in it was back when firemen

were fucking

heroes and firemen were just getting

pussy thrown at them everywhere

women wanted to go fuck firemen

they wanted to go fuck

heroes you know

it’s weird how that changed

but for that

long time so it’s like almost like a negative

thing like can

often times

inspire like this positive reaction the opposite way

and there’s a lot of people that

think that all

these things are in

place and all

these fucked up people are in

place and fucked up situations

to get us to

appreciate the situations that aren’t

you know to get us to really you know to really try to

be better and

and help us evolve so that we can get past

these unfortunate but

unavoidable situations

where they’ve been

said yeah i

we need homeless people without homeless people

mean you no longer

you’d have you need sort of

somebody on the bottom

this will not well

i don’t know if that’s true i don’t i don’t necessarily

agree with that but it’s also

like you know to

watch something really terrible like that sort of like

motivates you to not let that happen to you

people can accept a lot of shit

a lot of things can happen to you

and you just sort of accept your situation and it gets

worse you sort

of accept that

yeah yeah exactly hoard is a perfect example

and you know because of that you just sort of

just all of a

sudden you find yourself

you know many

levels of accepting this bullshit in a

place where you

never would have just accepted it straight up

right off the bat

you just kind of

let it happen

like that next day

know your home

builds and builds and your credit gets out of control

and all you’re

evicted and you just fucking

don’t handle your shit

yeah you do look at that to get

motivated because this is the bottom

i’ve seen the bottom

and i don’t want to be near the fucking bottom exactly

that’s what it is

i do not want that when i

watch a hoarders me and my wife actually

watch one the

other night in this show

is difficult to

watch because it was you

you’re right that they do

gradually accept

that they have to shit on top of fucking capri

sun boxes or something in

their way and shit

stacks up around them

and they’re just shifting

you know then we just

started living in one room

they say that all the time

also i think we

moved to this room

yeah we all recognize that our own

brains are just as vulnerable as

these people’s brains

oh sure we just

a lot of people choose to

fight a little bit harder you

know you can just keep their shit

clean and it takes work

everything takes

work just life’s maintenance needs to be

fucking done you can’t let shit get out of control but

we’ve all gone into this

weird spiral

i think anybody that i’ve ever met

especially anybody

that’s ever been in a tumultuous relationship

you go into this

weird spiral

where you don’t feel like you

have that much control over your thoughts and actions

you know when guys get in like

a devastating relationship you get your

heart broken you can’t

sleep you can’t

think you know

especially when that happens

young in your life

you don’t really

haven’t mastered yet you don’t really

understand who the fuck you are

you know that shit can send you on some kind of crazy

spiral you know

and if you go

through all that and you got some sort of a history of

mental illness in your family and

you know next

thing you know

done you’re

cracked yeah

i mean you don’t want ever accept that it

could happen to

you but you look at someone who’s really devastated by

by any sort of a fucking obsession like that

gambling obsessions

hey do you know gambling people dude

my in laws live in

dirty vegas so you out near the airport

base out and

where there’s all of

those poker

places and it’s

pawn shop poker place

just shut down

fast food fast food pawn shop poker poker poker

and you go into one of

those places like a terribles casino

and shit like that there’s

those car washes

and you going like a pjs poker

place and you just see

these just guys

you think like an

indian casino is bad there’s regular casino really nice

then there’s the

lower level downtown casinos

then there’s like an indian casino that’s

out in the middle of fucking nowhere and like why

would you go there

and they say it’s like it’s a

morongo casino it’s where real

nightlife is and you go in and it’s just like

grouping of

chinese people to

morongo if you say anything

wrong be cool

right here there’s a lot of money in

morongo come to

morongo yeah

there’s so many hot

chicks and i love

going to morango man

thinking about getting

these commercials that come on

like the nightclubs and shit like that

it ends up being old chinese

ladies in like mystical wolf

t shirts fucking just walking around

with those walkers with the

tennis balls in the

bottom of the feet

it’s fucking disgusting it’s depressing shit

that gambling addiction is a strange one man

anybody spouse there’s

homeless people in my neighborhood who bought a car

what i watched them be homeless

i knew they were

going around collecting cans

and just one day

you know how

you got your eye on the same homeless people

all the time you seen them around for a regular basis

these two i reckon

it’s like a couple

frumpy looking

weird white lady

and this tall

black guy who wears a top hat sometimes

they start driving around a

green minivan

fucked up green minivan

but they got there and

saved up enough cans like marble

miles to buy they’re

sleeping in his van now

yeah they’re

cheating they’re

cheating in my neighborhood because they have a

place where you

can turn recyclables into

money and then

every night i see them just fucking

going through all

my everyone’s recycle bins

and just taking out all the

shit from the recycle bins and then selling it down the

street yeah that’s

cheating is that cheating

no that’s like the marble

doesn’t starwood

points for homeless people

well i think that makes

sense because

one way you’re not

gonna make any money

just put your recyclables on the

street you’re not

gonna make any

money and for them it’s like free money

i don’t think it’s

cheating at all

yeah get out of my fucking

trash i don’t want you in my

trash somebody was telling me well

as long as i do a good job

the downtown

they don’t make

something your

identity they were in a downtown la like

shopping mall or something like that they saw

or an office complex and they saw one of

these fountains

where people throw

money in the fountain

and they were just

standing there

going oh my god what a beautiful fountain

and then this

latino family came in just rolled up all

their sleeves and went in the fountain just

started taking all the money whoa

and just say because it’s free

money we’re throwing

money in water

yeah what do you say to that how do you stop

that i have zero money

and there’s money just

right there yeah you got

a foot of water

right and it’s like it’s a

weird thing like is it illegal to take the money yeah

yeah is it i

think so is it

it shouldn’t be

no i think a lot of

these fountains

usually have a charity booked around behind it

like the mall gives it to a charity or something so i

think once it’s that

it’s considered giving to a charity

and it’s stealing but it is no charity sign take

their money

right i need a

maybe they started

doing it to a charity just because people were doing it

right it’s like the mexican soccer yeah

it is ridiculous that that’s

how fucking rich this country is people can throw

money in a fountain

a fountain enough

money for food

like there’s enough

money in that fountain

for you definitely to get something to eat

you know it’s always

quarters and nickels there’s

a comic that

is a conan writer that actually does that as a bit i’m

sorry i forget his name but

imagine coming from another country

like where they have no

water where you have to go to a well

i don’t really

just out in the middle of nowhere and there’s one

water hole and there’s a fucking

tiger there yeah

and then you come to this country

and you going to like

a place like

the city center

with city walk city walk universal city walk

and there’s fucking water

shooting up

out of the ground kids are fucking frolicking

we’re taking our

extra money

and throwing it in the fucking fountain

just like here’s our

money and our

water it’s crazy

right really crazy

it really is

well we don’t realize how rich this country is

until you watch

you even talk to some of the people that are in certain

european countries

where there’s no resources and

nothing to do like

there’s a real

issue in italy

right now with

young people like

where there’s no fucking jobs there’s really

nothing they can do

you know people are

graduating and there’s like

there’s nothing there’s

nothing out there mom’s already manning the cafe

or whatever it is you

know there’s no yeah

you have to go out and find an actual job you have to

leave the country

you have to get on a fucking boat or something you

know you gotta go find your shit somewhere else you’re

stuck yeah and i

think a lot of the

smarter people said

there’s free land

over in that other

place and those

people were nuts man let’s go the idea behind that

we’ve talked

about it before but how

crazy you have to be

to be living in europe

and say you know what fuck this we’re

gonna get in a boat and we’re

gonna go across the

ocean it’s gonna take

a long time

a lot of us are

gonna die yeah a lot of us are

gonna die and we’re

gonna get some new diseases when we get there but good

dying is better than

yeah that shit they

weighed that out they must have

theirs must

have been wow

or they’re just running from the law we’re a nation

built by criminals

running from european law

i wonder how many people

supposed to be one

thing when they were in europe they came over here bob

smith that’s my name

you know just new

identity new

identity new

everything clean

slate that’s how to be allowed to

wipe out a complete

record of yourself

right don draper the

whole thing yeah

a lot of them

right can’t do that shit anymore

folks now that’s

going out of the way soon

soon you’re

gonna be a you’re gonna be

you cunts so

where are you at this weekend now

you’re gonna be

chilled i am actually doing the john oliver

tv comedy central show

in new york on saturday night

sounds nice

cool yeah and then

i’m gonna be in austin texas

cap city comedy club

my favorite club

and i’m gonna be at the ontario improv i’ve got

those three coming up so it goes

can i come with you to austin

still some bitches

chicks and austin

steals how confident

are you still

you bitches

brian’s like

all i have to do is go to austin i’ll just you know

start a fucking harem and shit i love them so i

gotta do just go there like

rescuing one in fact

austin dude

austin is the shed

why would it be

rescuing yeah you’re not

because they don’t want to get

world and they

don’t want to get beat up anymore they’re

gonna get in twitter

fights with your ex girlfriend

twitter war how many people have in public like

spats on twitter

yeah it’s so are they

have relationships are broken up on twitter oh that’s

arguing with

that’s another

thing i miss i miss texting

in my relationship so i don’t even know it’s like

where you at

where you at yeah

i have no idea what that’s about

there’s a few

people that i follow just because i know that there

famous couple and then they’ll get in spats

and when they get in spats like they’ll like

leave like little

vague shit there comes a

point when you know

that you cannot

count on anyone

when that person

i can’t tell you i’ll tell you when we’re off

when we’re off air

but you know

i follow them just because i want to hear them

and then once that

point has been reached

it’s over yeah so this an echo in here

i keep on hearing

phones ring

i think i’m no more

phones right

it’s my medicine

it’s your medicine

folks is fucking shows over yeah

right should have been over a

while ago we

gotta get new

seats when we do these

two hours and 45 minutes shows i

feel how is that

phase perhaps you need to work on your core

no the fucker

these are the

most uncomfortable

cameras i feel

pretty good

i’m right he’s

right rather

when i got these

yeah there’s no back support i’m

gonna get us office

chairs that’s the next one

yeah really nice one

that way we can move around more too we’re not

married to this one spot and we can face each

other better

listen folks this shit is ever evolving

i’m working on some sort of a tv to look at the u

stream it really does look

like a professional environment though with the mic in

front of your face and it looks like

you know i mean it is a

very professional

setup but i’m saying

let’s fucking

raise this shit

yeah we’ll figure it out when we

first started doing it man we just had a laptop

and we had like snow in the

background and shit and

those are terrible ones if you’re

gonna download a podcast

those first ten of them

can’t believe anybody was

still listening

yeah we just

would get baked

just start rambling

and nobody was paying attention so we didn’t

think it was a big deal

but now there’s like

hundreds of thousands of downloads i want to deliver

a quality project i feel like i have to you know

i have to make the conversations interesting i have to

bring on people like

al mandrigal how’d you

do that was a good

show have fun

chat you too

great always bro you’re

an awesome dude i’m glad we’ve been friends for all

these years i’m glad i knew you

back in your

salad days right

now so i have my

album has not

changed that i just put out oh really

it was it called

it’s called

cholos on a moped

cholos on a moped

and itunes friends available

not know it’s just on my website okay

it’s do they have to download

okay download it

no they have to download it and i just put in

sort of a pay

whatever you want it bottoms out of 7 99 because i

think that’s like

that’s nothing but if people want to pay 10

bucks or more oh really

oh that’s kind of cool i like that

you know i’ve seen people do that with paypal

links they say

if you want to donate you know here’s what

something to

that yeah i don’t know i’d rather people have it

than i make a certain dollar amount

before we go

i want to ask you about this

how do you feel about

online piracy

what are your thoughts on that

i like actually ripping a

movie and then distributing

your stuff let’s

just go specifically with your

stuff oh if somebody puts my

stuff out on limewire

he takes my

shit i see i’m at a

stage in my career

where i would like people to have the

stuff more than i like the big

one i’ll write new shit

right i’m gonna continue

producing i mean i’m just

starting to

right now with this like a couple of bits

that i have up that the la factory put up on youtube

like the shit that i really fucking

enjoy doing so i just want to keep

producing shit like that at a high quality but

at some point

where there’s real big

money to be made i’m sure i’ll

fucking want to sell the

stuff legitimately

right i know what you’re saying

but for the most

part i just

wanna get it out

i’d give it to somebody if somebody kid comes out to me

after my shows

i always say

pay what you want i don’t care as long as you don’t

throw a fucking 2 000 look at

you dude you look a hippie

you’re a hippie

socialist well

i mean for the most i say pay what you can afford

and what’s the

cheapest people give you

i’ll take five bucks

cause i cost

three to make

wow and so and then if somebody put for the most part

people give me

twenty dollars

what is that’s

kind of cool what is the most someone’s ever

given you i had

people in tempe at the tempe improv

jumping up and down it was one of the last cds but

forty dollars

sixty dollars i think nice

for but it was like they were running out

oh what are you doing

brian what is that

understand music again yeah

sounds like a chinese restaurant yeah

kim trails by

sounds like the waiting area for a chinese restaurant

can you make it

louder a little bit

there you go february 4th

mandalay bay theater

i am there with ari shafir

and joey coco

diaz hopefully i know ari will show up

with joey twitter that fool

talk to him i don’t know it’s mad flavor

but tickets are selling very fast it’s

gonna be a fucking

crazy show it’s a big place

it’s like 2 000 seats

something like that 1800 seats

it’s a new theater in

mandalay bay and that’ll be the

night before

the ufc there’s a link on joe rogan

net you can

go there there’s a link on my facebook

which is joe rogan

dot net and al

magical you

could reach him at al

magical at twitter a l

m a d r i g a l in the

house bitches and al madrigal com

al magical com

dude thank you very much

thank you for

everything thank you for being a cool dude

thank you for being a

great stand up comedian

thank you for being the same guy that i met

when we got high

and watched oprah

exactly the

same 11 years ago yeah

it’s pretty much not too much has

changed well

you know you’re more of

a dad and a man now and all that good

stuff oh sure but we got the same dude

same guy yeah you’re the same dude that

doesn’t always happen that way

i know and then you were

telling me about ray

romano that’s exactly exactly

he’s the same

exact guy he’s always been a

great guy so that’s good to hear

yeah you can keep it together

sure you’re

gonna keep it together i predict

no there’s no use to be all affected do the same

thing yeah you

could have the

right to be some like

affected fucking guy with people around you

it’s a mess

that fucks you up more than

the ego boost is a fake one

if you’re a

smart person you don’t accept it and so you don’t get

a good feeling out of it anyway because you know it’s

ridiculous it’s all

ridiculous bitches

we are in an atomic soup that no one

understands

and it’s been

going back and forth on and

over from the big bang to the end of creation forever

and it’s an endless cycle

and we’ll see you next week

and fleshlight

all at ya boy yeah

fleshlight com

go there and just buy a

bunch of em just jerk off into em and

shoot your loads all over the house

they’re special they’re

good they feel better than beating off you will have

long ball draining orgasms

i highly recommend it also

miami improv

fuck i don’t even know who’s

going down with me

28 29 and 30

and not miami improv i keep saying that

i said that

twice west palm

beach and bigger nicer

you know why i say it because it’s a half an hour from

miami and i’ll

never work the

miami improv ever again

so i’m just terrified

cause it’s right there it’s a half an hour away

it’s the only

place where i was on stage

in the middle of a show and

people were so dumb like i had some joke

where i brought up the word

oscar de la hoya

like brought up his name

and so all of a

sudden this fucking war

broke out in the

crowd we’re

like no fuck you man

sugar shane mosley

fuck mosley

and they started

going back and

forth and yelling out at the top like it’s cafeteria

like who’s the most badass boxer

and it went on for like 30

seconds so these guys were yelling back

standing up doing

these things with

their hands yelling at them

and i just said finally i said i’m

never coming here

again that’s

great i was there at a

woman’s hair caught on fire and she

vomited nice

win what order

what’s that

hair first vomit

second then that

ladies and gentlemen

is the end of the show so

west palm beach improv

28 29 and 30th

you know all that twitter details

i have a lot of

twitter followers as a result to this

do you add me

add me redband

i did i did

he’s talking to all the people out there in the world

i need to get past

taylor fucking vixen

shh brian i

can say that name

you say it three times she’ll show up

oh no give us a

candyman candyman

oh no you didn’t

and on that note folks

we’ll see you next week

ari shafir will be joining us on tuesday

and we’ll see if we can get

brian porsane or someone

on thursday

and that’s it hollige boy

see ya love you bitches

i should have cheated on you