The Joe Rogan Experience #72 - Ari Shaffir

baa baa ding ding


was that the intro yeah

but a ding dong ding dong dong what kind of fucking

intro is that but a ding ding ding ding dong

this is how relaxing are here don’t

last one year in

we have no idea what’s going on but yeah

like wait was that an intro

starts we got to stop using music folks for

legal purposes and all sorts of other shit

but didn’t you know i got superman already

so that’s our music coach

what was that song i sing

i don’t know should we copyright it

yeah we should copyright that we will

sue them and they want to use it

those fucking whores yeah call welcome to the podcast

bitches ladies and gentlemen the one and only mr ari

shafir is joining us today

thank you thank you very much i appreciate this ari

would be here to promote his shows in san francisco but

unfortunately for you cunts they’re all sold out

super happy about it he’s balling

storyteller shows so you’re gonna promote

subway instead

yeah more out

sandwiches so where are

these shows at so people know where they can’t go

the purple onion they

might release on the day of the show but i don’t really

understand how that works well

what happens is sometimes people reserve them and they

don’t pick them up and they don’t pay for them and they

flake which i’m sure happens at time

especially in san francisco must

you fucking flaky free must

i buy tickets and it’s raining it’s like

not going anywhere

people just like dude

there’s a certain amount of people that always

flake no matter how badass the concert is pink

floyd’s the wall whatever the fuck it is

people just gonna

flake there’s a certain amount

you just have

to accept that my friend just had a birthday

party and she was pissed because

more people said they were

gonna show up and did

and i was like oh you’ve

never tried to promote a show

yeah nobody comes

yeah that’s

that’s ridiculous they

meant to have


expectations the

worst is when you buy tickets and then you

break up with the girl

and then you’re like i don’t

wanna see fucking whoever

he’s on a block

to morrissey and

to coachella

well first of all you’re dating some depressing

bitches if they want to go see morrissey with you

we might have

found a problem

morrissey man if you ever wanted to cry

mexicans are into them into

into morrissey

morrissey in the

smiths have no idea why

mexicans are

super into morrissey

wow maybe it’s

like mexicans totally wish they were whiny

white people

maybe mexicans are into


oh that’s right we’re sponsored by the

flashlight yeah

flashlight dot com

subtle segway

if you go to joe rogan

net there’s a link for

flashlight and

click the link and

enter in the word

rogue and you

get fifteen percent off we’re just trying to save your

money bitches you’re just trying to save your

money on flesh

lights i don’t want anybody

beating off for retail

just don’t think that’s right

at this girl find my

flesh and goes do you really use this i’m like

yeah yeah yeah

and she just

starts putting

her fingers and i’m like you do know i just said

you could use it she goes i don’t care you washed it

right i’m like

yeah i guess

how often do you not wash it

is this a girl you were boning

huh no just uh

then please anyone at your

house you’re boning yeah you’re trying to bone them

no no it’s just my landlord oh

your landlord

is not playing with your

flashlight brian

your story is full of

i was coming up short last

month and rent and so you paid her off like

like beat off into the flashlight form no not that

you go down nothing it’s like the scene

he’s curling the toilet

and she’s talking about something about you know

fucking makes you really want to take a shit

i love that i want to see

their new movie they have a new movie coming out

where it’s like about

this guy that’s

married and he gets to take a week off of the

marriage or something like that oh

it’s from the same guys i believe fairly brothers yeah

they made some great shit

they made something about mary too yeah

i read his book it was about being a comic

oh really yeah

about stand up i

think so if i remember just living and in like a you

know apartment with his brother i believed

being doing comedy i can’t remember it’s a lot

their east coast guys

the comedy writer is what it’s called

do you got oh yeah you’ve

gotta watch speaking of comedy

gotta watch dennis

leary’s new comedy central special how is it

must be that good how you’re like

like and talk down do you like an actor

who’s never really done

stand up has to write his own material and then play a

stand up in a movie no really

it just is it just rusty

it’s just death

this is nothing funny there

it’s just missing what’s funny

would you ever have him on the podcast

no because i don’t want him over my

house and i probably want to getting you

could always go to death squad

studio to do it he’s the type of guy that

would you like kind of threaten you for talking the

truth he’s not a good guy

you know the whole the

whole scene is just ugly

but it was fascinating

watching it

you know i root for people man

and i wanted it to be good you know i was not getting

workout and

stuff for him

he’s not the same guy does he live in la

yeah i think so i don’t know i’ve

never heard

i think he lives in the east coast okay

i root for him i

swear to god i root for everybody to be better

i root for everybody to to get over

their bullshit

you know everybody that’s done

shady shit in the past

if you even we

gotta feel that this is shady i root for i

swear to god but fuck

fuck it was

just a void

it was a void

you know he was my favorite

comic when i first

started really when i was on open

micro for like six

months he was my favorite

comic really

i was just killer he was destroyer

and like so much more

aggressive than anybody ever seen on

stage so much more

like my my kind of comedy and like the type

of people that i was hanging around with and like the

the shit that i was used to i was just

hard people you know

like the comedy that i was used to is all from

mostly from boxing gems

from my my my boxing

coach joe lake

the guy who had his finger bitten off in a

street fight and had a toe

attached to

where his finger was

and curled permanently so he

could keep throwing

right hooks really not kidding

he had his toe

i had my toe

to curled i had it done like this so i

could fucking

throw that right hook

yeah he was

crazy he was on

he’s a fucking animal

i don’t want

to tell all the stories that i know because i don’t

know what he wants to get out there on the internet

but these are the type of people i was hanging out with

who performs that kind of surgery

there’s been

no there’s did they do that finger back

he told the doctor

what crazy a bunch

you know you didn’t want a straight finger and that

would be terrible it would get

stuck in the boxing

glove because

he couldn’t move you couldn’t

articulate the finger anymore because the

nerves were gone oh

they’re all severed

somebody bit his fucking finger off

in a street fight oh

how does it get to that move

like at what

point are you losing

my friend mike blythe

at the time my friend mike blythe was a

bouncer at the rats gallery

and he was a professional boxer

and he wasn’t

i mean he would

drink occasionally but we wasn’t

drinking when he was there

and he didn’t

look like a killer he looks like a very he’s a very

smart guy too and he’s very well spoken

but he’s a straight

south boston thug

and he worked

glasses and chip he’s a pro boxer

and so he would just totally get off

on just lighting up

drunk college dudes

guys that would get

stupid and guys that

would get in his face and he would

allow them to

literally almost pick on him

before he would knock him

unconscious really yeah

he would say i’m telling you this

you guys are making a big mistake

you know this

is not the way to go i don’t know i don’t know how you

live in your life

and then he

would just turn on him with

you fucking figure you fucking

pussy oh really

oh what what but be

he would just just tee off on him he’s a pro boxer

and a fucking good one and then all

their friends

would be like you got

knocked out by a nerd no

he would knock them out so

scary they would all just slack jaw

and wait for

their animals there

oh animals just nuke that

whole animals

they should

knock it out that

is the craziest

place i’ve ever been i’ve

never i mean in what

i do shows there like the last time i did a show there

that that that theater and the what used

to be the combat zone i forgot the name of the theater

connection coming

no used to be the comedy

connection now it’s a theater the wilbur

the wilbur it’s

beautiful theater

that was cool i forget

but you realize they’re

savages they’re just wilder people

you know they’re more willing to fight

they’re more

willing to complain

about shit they’re

less likely to deal with bullshit take your shit

you know they’re

less likely to let you get away with anything

like there’s certain shit that people get away with in

california that i didn’t realize

like when i came out here that people

lived like this that like actor talk

you know like

you know when you

hear people

talking on the set and just talking

straight actor talk and no one ever calls them on

their bullshit and it’s like ew

why did you start

sounding like that in boston everybody

calls everybody on

everything you don’t ever get to put on airs

that’s why there’s so many

fights though

too it is that’s why this

is why me and ari almost got me

but it’s also

why there’s so many comedians come from that area

so many comics came from that spot man

ever happened to dave mordell i was

thinking about him the

other day is he

still doing

stand up he’s been a show for a while yeah

really yeah

funny had some sort of a

understanding for a little bit

right yeah he’s a good

comic man he’s

hilarious yeah i got to work with him in new york

did a show with him in new york he’s really funny man

he’s yeah he’s like real like

solid professional you know

really good timing good writing good writing yeah

i don’t know what happened man

yeah there was a

i did stand up last night there was an actress that was

doing the yeah she was on the

phone and she says

yeah i’m doing stand up tonight it’s my

first time but it’s

it’s gonna be

easy she was doing that while it’s gonna be so easy

actually i just paid 15

and what it

is it’s like 10 people go up in the audience votes and

i’m gonna fucking take this

i mean this is

gonna be us like just

never fucking

talking shit

about how easy it’s gonna be

i wanted to stay

but that would be the

worst comedy ever so i’m not gonna ever

watch that well it’s fascinating though

every time you see someone

so you’ve never done and you’re

gonna be awesome

especially something that hard and you’ve

never done it

yeah jack the owner was just out

back around there just like just

pointing at her

just laughing his ass off there’s people that

think they’re

gonna be awesome at

everything before they ever do it

those are the douchebags of the world

cause they’ve

never really tested themselves and developed character

where character comes from is failure

and recognizing you know and being

you know like humble

and you know

and feeling the humility and knowing okay you

know what man and no one’s perfect this is crazy like

all my hubris of youth that’s all illogical and it

doesn’t make any sense

but the people

that keep it like forever and they have it in

their thirties and shit and forties and they just

they think they

could do anything richie

taylor of the old manager of the congress

remember yeah he’s right

at thirty nine he thought he could

still play on some teams in the nfl and start

at quarterback

he’s dude i

still got an arm for real

i’m walking be an all pro

but i can beat some guys out or like

how cocky do you have to be

first of all you know you’ve

never been anything

second of all you’re

thirty nine even if you were

great you still can’t compete now the

only guys who can keep competing like when they’re in

their late thirties and forties and shit like the

first of all it’s very very recent so you have to

start thinking

about freckles

you have to

start thinking

about chemicals because

we all want to

think that everybody’s doing you

know everybody’s natural and just doing squats

and i don’t want to

cast judgment on anyone

but when you look at like 40 year

old athletes there was no brett favres when i was a kid

they didn’t

exist there’s no

40 year old dudes playing

professional football what in the super bowl

are you shitting me

that guy’s got gray hair what

this doesn’t

even register

like bernard hopkins there’s

never been someone like bernard hopkins

see george foreman when he won the

title he was 46 years old when he

knocked out michael moore but

he was getting his fucking ass kicked before that

and he hit him with like some

legit old man strength

you know what i mean like

george foreman was just an old

strong tough dude

he never looked like a

young guy when he was

older he looked like a big ass

strong old dude that

could fuck you up

and he worked out real hard

he would push

trucks and shit his

driveway and

he was like one of the

pioneers of like

chopping logs

that was all like old old old school

training shit back in the joe

louis days and he brought it all back

but if you look at like bernard hopkins

yeah he’s 46 man and he looks like he’s 30

it’s the craziest thing ever

like there’s

never been a professional boxer

i don’t know

i can’t i can’t say

but you’re saying it’s

weird it’s fucking beyond

weird it doesn’t make any

sense it’s never

existed before

sugar ray leonard when he got his like late thirties

it was a rap you know everybody else it’s a rap

bernard hopkins

forty six not even

forty one not even

forty almost

forty six and he’s out boxing

super athletes

wow didn’t know

what’s that forming like defend his

title a few times

yeah yeah yeah

well he fought

tommy marston

lost it to tommy morrison

so did he defend it he

might not defend it he

knocked out

my horse was a champion

tommy morrison had some

wacky belt he won

from george foreman

yeah he beat george

foreman i thought it was just a contender

when he got there no i’m pretty sure

tommy morrison

won the title

wow i’m pretty sure i know he beat george

foreman a decision

what were those belts that used

to tie and then you like folded it around and then back

like london fog coats yeah

the belts i mean yeah the belts around

yeah you just tie what are they no no no no no

no they were like the

leather belts that

like were really long

and then you had to like kind of

roll it around

i got it on

right now oh you got it on

right now yeah

except this isn’t that long

isn’t that long

wow yeah i’m wearing it i

brought a lot of retirement

why would i

what says that it becomes like

michael moore

vacated the

title that’s

bizarre i don’t even

understand that that’s so

weird when they vacated a

title not retirement

i mean i got

threw in the garbage can

yeah you know what the problem with boxing for real

super crooked

it’s not just

super crooked there’s so many organizations

there’s not just one ufc

style organization you know

a lot of people

bitch about ufc

being in a monopoly

but at least you know

when you have a monopoly at least

you got like

one clear world

champion there’s a wbo

the ibf the wba the wbc

and a bunch of

other ones that

people aren’t sure whether they

should take seriously

there’s a gang

of they just

let’s say somebody retires and makes the belts open

uh huh each one just decides like well who do we

thinks the most deserving of it yeah they do that

so they work for you

they make guys fight but

they all make a decision on their own

who it should

be yeah exactly

i mean that’s why it is with the

ufc and strike

force too because now we have

you know strike

forces has this big

heavyweight tournament that’s coming up they

have fador and

ovary they got a lot of good guys in

their tournament man but

it’s almost kind of

annoying you know

it’s like man i

wanna see everyone

fight everyone

i want it to be one big

giant league

yeah there’s

gotta be a way they can do that

they’re pushing for that in baseball to have a japanese

versus american

champion really

real world champion that

would be the shit

that would be

that would be dope

you know be dope i hate to say it but i

would love if

japanese dudes came over here and kicked americans ass

you son of a bitch

was son of a

bitch communist

how dare you there

should be a

where were you you know the problem is no one’s

gonna be willing to do that i was

gonna say with

ufc and strike

force no one’s

gonna be willing to say

you know then the guy

whoever the

champion is

he represents your organization and you know

each guy fight it out for each weight class like

that’s like too much of a downside

you know yeah

cause then if you lose like oh

you get our

champion yeah

and what if the

ufc got all the

champions then strike

force what they just go out of business then you know

that gets tricky what are they

gonna they can’t have a

we’re just announced a new channel you can’t have a

title you can’t have a

title you know

but it’s weird you know you got nick diaz is a

champion over there and george saint pierre is a

champion over here but guess what

they’re not fighting

as long as they keep nick diaz

happy and they keep paying them

you know they’re not gonna fight

if you keep smoking his power dana

white’s a little wary of him too because he

he got in a fight with joe riggs

in the hospital and

after they were

they argued when they were in the hospital

and nick diaz

jumped him in the hospital

he had iv bags on and shit and he’s beating his ass

like i’m in the hospital those

stockton guys

are out of their minds

him and his brother are

they’re low

those guys are the real deal they’re not fucking around

don’t talk shit

unless you want

to get your face

punched we hung out in

stockton and

we hung up there was this

chick at some bar

over there and

we had like a 45

minute drive to get back home and the

young guy in the tour the

monsters tour

was like we were trying to get him some

the girl was like into it

right so he was like i

don’t know if i can get her we’re like hey come on you

wanna come back with us and she

was like can

you get back tomorrow she was yeah i’ll find her right

she was just this

weird girl at the bar

right so let’s

go you’re coming let’s go so we got in the back seat

and then he got really cold

uh she started rapping yeah she started rapping

randomly he got really cold to her cause i don’t

wanna like why cause she told me she was autistic

and i was like what

i’m like oh her behavior makes complete sense now

i just thought she was weird and quirky

so autistic people are well

aware that they have an

issue yeah and she was doing tons of blow

oh my god that

sounds so just

pounding it and then rapping 30

straight minutes autistic and low

and she’s a wigger yeah

i drove her back to her

i’m assuming is it a

black girl is it a black girl no it’s a white girl

and was she rapping like a black girl yeah

nice that’s what i assumed all those things yeah

it’s kind of i painted it for myself because that

would be the

most ridiculous

there’s something

very special

about poor white people that act like poor black people

there’s a weirdness to it man

just like when they’re serious

when like white dudes are like real serious

about being

street and acting

yeah but like is it just a poor thing no

no not necessarily

i mean a little bit of it sure i mean

because their

world interacts

they’re intertwined

in other communities

the poor white and poor

black communities i mean poor people have to live

where poor people live

you know like i

lived in jamaica

plain there was a lot of poor

white people and poor

black people together but it’s new york

right there’s something

weird when a dude has a

clear affectation

and he just takes it on

and all of a

sudden you know it’s like

he won’t get

crazy you know you won’t get crazy

and like i’ve seen

white guys talk like that and you like wow

okay there’s no part of the country where

white people talk like that you didn’t see that on tv

if this isn’t like a rural

greensboro south carolina

thing and like well everybody has this

weird accent there no no no no no

you’re clearly

urban black

urban black

southern a little bit

you know and then

dudes in new york do it too a lot a lot of

white girls really

and then from the

north i don’t care yeah

still talking like a

southern yeah yeah yeah to

guy i’ve seen guys do it

especially back in the in the 90s

there was a lot of guys

that would especially

involved in like when i was playing pool and i was

going watching guys gamble on pool

there was always a lot of like these

sort of thug type characters

who were white guys that talked like

black guys that

would even say nigger they

would say like

this nigga thing

gonna come here and take all our shit

like this nigga

thing you gonna come here and take all our shit

show this motherfucker who’s up

show this motherfucker

and be like wow like this guy’s

it’s like an

alien person like

you you’re not just saying these

things but you

think the neck guy saying that lie do you

think he still feels it when he says the n word do you

think he’s still yes he’s

a little he’s

squirmy a little and let i mean he must be on oxycontin

if he’s not

you know you’re a

white guy and you’re saying nigger and

especially he’s got he had like you know like a really

short shaved head like almost like

like a almost like a skinhead but like a little stubble

on his head you know so it’s like

you were you was there so much

whiteness there’s whiteness

everywhere this

whiteness all

over your head you don’t need to have like

a bunch of black hair

where i look at you and it’s

curly hair and i’m like

this guy’s like part

black or something no no nothing

he was like

super white

remember that jason kidd

and he’s doing

these things with his

fingers where guys

shake their hand in the air

where they talk

there’s some

weird thing like that

where they hold

their hand approximately forehead level

and then they just

shake it up and down like

pop like knuckles out and they

shake their hand up and down

yeah it is almost like that it’s like a chip

throw his arms up here

it’s just progressed

do you think there are

black guys like

deep deep in the hood who talk

super upscale white yes

for sure yeah there’s a lot of

black guys that

would die to be

white and a lot of

white guys that

would die to be black

most people in this

world do not want to be who they

are yeah they like everyone else has it so much easier

everybody else is cooler

we will let the easiness as an insult

like oh your parents

paid your way

through college

no i do like

so what my parents

worked hard put me through college yeah is that bad

people want to believe everyone wanted me to be smart

having it harder is the way cooler way to be

yeah yeah you didn’t get there for real you ain’t legit

you ain’t streets

that’s like the

stocking guys

stockings for real it’s like even move

yeah it should

be there it’s a

crazy place to live you want to live

where you can go to

sleep and not worry

about fucking gunshots

going through your window

yeah it’s nice

it’s one thing you

might be into

yeah well some people in the

trails some

people like that idea of thrills out of nowhere

some people like like

living in silver lake and hearing sirens all the time

you know there’s

people that like that they feel like they’re in the

heart of like some sort of an artist colony

ari does yeah i

drove used to film the

other day through silver looking there’s some of

those streets that look like straight

ghetto yeah just

straight like what

dogs walking

across the street with no tags at all pit bulls

yeah silver

likes tricky man

it’s cause you got a

bunch of hipsters and they’re living with a

bunch of gang bangers

you know and i

think a lot of them must get robbed

right don’t they probably

you have bars i’m always worried

about duncan because duncan’s like

super into like living in

those kind of areas he lives on this

he lives has

anyone even broken a teddy

but he’s like the

first guy to wet his

pants if someone you know he’s

never been broken

his neighborhoods pretty

crazy the history of

what’s his neighborhood

yeah some famous guy that

did a bad thing can’t really tell the story

it’s pretty

famous i don’t know if he’s talked about it or

not no yeah he

doesn’t want anybody to know where he lives

i just saw that with his girl now and

right i just saw that documentary that guy

drink all her kool aid guy jim

jeff so i’ll tell you after the show’s over

you know you really

can’t say because it’ll everyone will know exactly

where he lives

right he lives in a weird

house long story

you know the guy that

kool aid guy jim jefferies is that his name or

jim jefferies yeah yeah

no no no you’re talking

about the comedian no no no the guy that guyana

tragedy jim

jones jim jones

i was watching the documentary

about that the

other day and that you know

it mixes the

audio in with

the video and

stuff like that have you guys seen this documentary

highly recommend it i

think it was on

netflix or something like that it showed

videos and it talked to the guy’s brother the

whole time he’s like yeah my brother then

told everybody to you know

drink this and do that no it wasn’t even kool aid

those poor kool aid fucks

right it was like couldn’t even get good enough

grape drink

right like some drink

yeah they were showing it

like they were

shooting it in the kids

mouth with like

turkey baster type

things oh my god and

yeah and then

i didn’t know

how many people also died from like nbc news a

senator or was a

senator died people

that got there got shot

killed right yeah

yeah they murdered them

senator landon

right there

yeah a bunch of people well it got real

tricky because

you know there was a lot of them and this guy

they basically were running sort

of a paramilitary operation he had guns and shit and

guards and you

know whenever you get control of a

group of people

and the government’s not

gonna let that happen you get a big

group like what they

tried to do in waco

they had themselves

fenced in and they

basically started

their own country they

started a real a mini country

unless we gotta attack them

and they just went in

after him bro they killed everybody if

you go look at rules of engagement it’s a documentary

about the waco tragedy

where they just

clearly show tanks

blowing fire

into buildings

tanks are knocking over

buildings and blowing fire into

buildings a

bunch of children and

women died in this thing

they just dude they

apparently shots were exchanged

and a few agents got hit

and you know and there’s

video of agents like getting shot at and

shooting people and jumping into

buildings and shit and

breaking into windows and

one agent actually

almost got shot and some friendly fire use a

video you could watch that

where a guy

you know it’s craziness they’re

breaking into windows and shit and trying to get

but at a certain point time

they got to go

ahead to use the tanks

and so they are

knocking over fucking

buildings with

these tanks and you see

there you see that the gun

you know the what is the gun

turret what is that part of the tank called it’s all

kind of idea

maybe the barrel of the

long thing the big long

thing that looks

with the bone cock of

death big car

and the cock of death is

spraying fire into

these buildings

dude it’s gnarly

crazy it’s gnarly

it’s pretty gnarly because i mean that it is

clear cut absolute

unequivocible evidence evidence

that that fire was not an accidental fire

they lit that place

out that’s what

i remember they said it just caught fire somebody

lit up a tank

or something i mean

unless all this is

completely fake

footage i mean i wasn’t there i don’t know for sure

but it seems like that’s what they did i mean all

those people died and burned to death but

is fire happen all the time how does

fire happen just all of a

sudden your

house caught fire sorry

how rare is it that fucking

you know you’ve

got gigantic compound

filled with bullets that’s been around

forever how

rare is it that shit just catches

fire yeah you

know and there’s

videos of these

tanks knocking over

buildings blowing fire

you can’t be

shooting at the government

there that ruby red shit same shit they’re

gonna kill you man

i was in his

room that happened and i remember right my

uncle and aunt

asked me like what’s up with that

what are the i was like i don’t know

weird thing

i’m eighteen

i don’t know anything you’re supposed to know yeah

yeah represent your country what

you’re not allowed to do that man you’re not allowed to

start your own country

inside our country you can’t just put up a fence and

have military

vehicles and everyone’s got

car like guns out in the open

they would walk around like guns out

rifles and shit out

because they are

stock pile of weapons

they were just letting

everybody know that they’re protected and that this is

you know this is an

armed community

and this one guy is just banging everybody’s wife

one guy was that’s what it was all

about this one guy

would like play songs it was play the guitar and play

music and he

fucked everyone’s wife like a different battlestar

galactica he

was basically a real

thing real similar

yeah that balt is our guys that

was who is his name the dark haired guy

yeah am i making up his name i

might have made up his name

i forget what

his name is the

british guy yeah the british guy was the real

swarmy guy but this guy was a little bit more

jesus like he

was a little bit more

you know christ like

and he just

fucking everybody

just a brilliant guy who realized that he can

manipulate people and he got a

bunch of dull

people that were looking to find the way and

he brought them all together and gave them all some

dick oh of course you want to fuck

that’s what he did

why wouldn’t you want to fuck him

it’s just it’s a

tricky thing man

where the government

says no no no you can’t run that hustle

so what about your hustle what

about your crazy

taxes and the federal reserve

not really even being a federal institution and all

privately owned and

banks that control

everything and the

bilderberg group what

about your fucking hustle

all this guy’s doing is getting some pussy

you know your

house seems a lot

worse than what they’re doing oh

is it was just the guns was that why there

why they would

do that yeah

because it’s not for the guns they let him go

ahead and do whatever well he’s

he got big oh it

got the compound was

they had resources

people would

leave the compound and come back they

would work in town and come back to the compound

it was like it got tricky

it got to the

point where you know

hey if they decided to just take over this community

who’s gonna be able to stop them

do we have to protect ourselves from this

armed group of

humans yeah

it gets tricky

i don’t know what the exact

what they used i think

they probably used like

child abuse

which may or may not have been true yeah they

weren’t sent

their kids to

school or something

could have been that it

could have been

sexual abuse it

could have been

i mean it might have been true

my own teasing

yeah i’m not saying that this guy for sure

you know was a

great guy and the government

should have left them alone

you know but

if we’re really gonna go

after people for

child abuse

why the fuck are we not

going after the catholic church

why is that not why are they

arresting the pope why are they not

going in to

like guns drawn to

these organizations and finding out okay

how many of you have fucked kids

how many of

your fucking kids

there was a

document that got released that we were talking

about before the podcast

started from 1997 that said the vatican

sent a letter out

telling these churches to not report cases

of child abuse to the police

that is some

nasty shit man

i mean if that was the case

with anyone who

covered up and

didn’t report when they knew it like they

should be arrested

yeah they’re like yeah you can’t

you can’t do that you can’t

cover up stuff like

that exactly anyway if it was

anywhere else if it was

if it was like

you know any

other business

any other exactly let me tell my boss

and then i won’t say anything to the police let me

ask my boss what he wants to do and the boss like knows

about it it’s like

yo you can’t just shut you’re not allowed

if your boss’s business was fucking kids

like that was

their number one

hobby we’re

gonna go play golf and they

would say go play golf with the finger

quotes in the air

and that meant they’re

gonna go bang kids

i mean that’s

really almost what it’s like it seems for some of

these priests

if you watch that

there’s a terrible documentary

about a guy

but he shipped them all over the place

i think it’s called deliver us from evil

let me tell exactly what it’s called i like

coloring and i like

watching cartoons

i’m starting to

think my age

group is a kid

deliver us from

evil that’s what it is it was that this is a

don’t watch it

if you don’t want to get depressed because if you want

to get depressed it will get you depressed it’s fucking

it’s gnarly shit man

you know you find out like

their their strategy of

like keeping

these guys from getting in

trouble and how they

could just move them

instead of like strategy

yeah it was

all written out man

like i had a good priest

let’s let’s uh

yeah just trying to move

well that’s what rats

the new guy

what is his name rats ginger what the fuck is his name

pope pope country fuck the fifth

yeah the creepy guy was in the hitler youth group

that guy literally

like actively like they know for sure he

tried to shield

child molesters like

they know that he did

really he tried

to move over

to the top there’s

it’s it’s out


no no debate

no debate about it there’s

papers out there showing

that they are actively trying to

shield child molesters and protect the church

from lawsuits and litigation and

and just try to squash

these claims

i mean they must have

it must be just an overwhelming amount of kid fuckers

i mean it must be like impossible

to man was there no one else to promote to the top

i don’t think someone in the former hitler you i

think they’re all fucked up i

think if you guys

he’s probably

the one in his

pants the best

right i bet if you went digging into some of

those other guys

maybe he didn’t fuck anyway but he knew

about a bunch of people who did

maybe fuck some

every now and

then and the rest of them it’s a it’s a weekend

party do you guys

think it’s most

of those people do it or most not

cause i think it’s like 99 percent most dumb

most dumb people are

child molesters

right like we look at

child molesters

oh it has nothing to do with intelligence you don’t

think like you’re kind of retarded

you’re like i’m

one with the

no no i’m a baby

most of what it is is from

being abused yourself

that’s what it is they sort of replay

what really fucked up and damaged them when they were

young and then it just keeps

going back and they did it because someone else

killed a head vampire yeah exactly it’s a

recurring problem

it had to kill a head child molester

it’s really it’s really a

crazy phenomenon people that get sexually attracted

to children and sexually attracted to the idea of

raping and you know and holding someone down

against their will and that’s

where they get

their rocks off

it’s very very tricky

it’s really

tricky that it happens

to them and then for some reason they want to do it to

other people but there’s been so many cases of that

yeah mm hmm

the best is that guy

enough to catch a predator

they caught like a

second time

or no was a

second time it was

they caught him

as soon as they caught on the like he was like

can you just

send the cops in here and have them execute me already

oh yeah yeah he was like

i don’t want to do this but this is all i want to do

did you imagine that’s all you wanted to do yeah

i can’t help myself just fuck it what

i know it’s gross

yeah this is what i’m into it’s fucked

it’s fucked yeah

he’s his brain was

wired fucked up you know

could you imagine if your

brain was wired

great in every other way

except for this whole

except that yeah

and so you’re

smart enough to be

aware this is frowned upon

there had to be

some kind of therapy like they

could have made like a

flashlight baby for him and then just like try this i

think that’s helping

i think this

if it helped him not fuck a kid

like get into this

flesh like real doll baby

there’s pills you can take right

give it a cute face they give them

pills to like

i don’t know what they do

i don’t know i don’t know what’s the i mean how

much a libido

what little comb that

brush the person

yeah different for

every person what

would straighten out one dude is not

gonna straighten

another dude

does have lots

yeah how much research are they

gonna do in


up pedophiles

just you gotta kill him

there’s too many people in the

world as it is

we know we know that we we

just that’s sort of what i

think in the

grand scheme

of things just a couple numbers

you shoot you’re supposed to call

agree we don’t want them around

dogs that do the same shit when dogs

go to bite people man i firmly believe that those dogs

should be put down and i put down dogs that were

aggressive to people

i’ve had dogs in my past that bit people and

we had to put the dog down it happened more than once

and i think that’s what you have to do

i really don’t

think you if you

train a dog

and you you know you love them and you’re around them

but something’s still

wrong with that dog and that dog wants to bite people

like what’s

going on why is this dog

even associating people with

danger and people with you know wanting to attack them

no one’s been fucking with this dog you’ve had it

since he was a puppy

every now and then man you get a nutty dog

and you gotta kill him

you gotta kill

those nuts you

only come back yeah because it look man what the fuck

i had a dog with this temper got a new dog

i had a doberman

with this temper and he

tried to bite me once

and it was just i didn’t know you had to

stamp her my dog has an oral fixation

that won’t stop licking and biting and eating and

all dogs do you

gotta give them raw hydrates i do

but it’s non stop

now it’s like

she’s self medicating like she has this thing

like a squeaker

toy that she just keeps in her

mouth 90 of the day

like she knows like if i take this out get

her a rubber dog dick

yeah call the

flashlight people

up you have to make a very firm rubber dog dick

or just rubber

dog dick that has like a meat flavor to it a

flashlight baby

yeah that’d be great

flashlight babies for my dog

dogs are awesome when they’re awesome

but the bottom line

about dogs is that they are animals man

we just sort of have this

weird trust in a

bunch of animals that can kill us

we keep them in our yards and shit

and people also put like emotional attachments on them

but then if you look back in 50 years on you killing

your dog because he was biting people they were like

this amount

percentage they don’t know

your attachment they’ll just be like this

percentage dog was killed because they bought somebody

here’s a crazy story

two people that i know

that have had

pit bull fights

in the yard

where they had dogs and the pit bull

wind up killing another dog

either killing another pit bull or killing a dog

and both of them

tried to blame it on some

other shit like what

one of them blamed it on a mountain lion

one of them

thought that a mountain lion came in and killed the dog

that’s what everyone was saying

but then my friend bud said listen i know

those dogs and

those dogs used to fight

and that fucking

idiot had two females in his yard

trapped up together

and they fought and one killed the

other one and he wanted to

blame it on a mountain lion

and i went oh

okay that makes

sense cause what a mountain lion coming to a

house full of pit bulls

like jesus isn’t there

a better way to eat

you know how fucking hungry

do you have to be you guys with your mountain lions

they’re out here bro

i wouldn’t have a mountain lion

story like i was at the grocery

store in a mountain lion

jumped on my face go

back to where i was living in

colorado because

where i was living in

colorado man

they lost 160

plus houses

i think was like a hundred

and seventy

total a hundred

seventy nine maybe

fire they had a horrible fire

the worst fire in

colorado history because

if you think about 170

houses in this area this is extremely rural

this is a mountain community so it’s all

houses in the mountains

and 170 of them are gone

so a huge amount of forest

was burned down thousands and thousands of acres

so now mountain lions have less territory

where there’s woods and

they’re already like

they are in

an area around people and they do kill people’s dogs

they want to keep that open as an option

and they know that there’s a lot of deer

around where people are

because the fact that people aren’t killing the deer

because people

are killing the deer and boulder deer are

everywhere so that

brings in mountain lions

so now they have like

more and more mountain lion

sightings there

wow but coming in

so then the

other one about

the dog the

other dog story where

a dog killed another dog

or this guy blamed it on someone

i know this dude who sells weed

and he was growing

plants in his

background he told me this

crazy story

where someone

broke into his house

and stabbed his dog and killed his

dog and then

ran away with his plants

and i was like whoa that

is fucked up like you came home and your dog was dead

and then you know you cut your

plants well

in time this

story has morphed

and now what i’ve

learned is one

of the dogs was a bulldog a female bulldog

and the other dog was a pitbull

and the pitbull

more than likely killed

the female dog

and he’s like blaming it on like and what

about the plants that are gone

well when he took

the dog to the hospital because the dog was fucked up

his neighbor who had been eyeballing his plants

hopped over his fence and

chopped his shit down and

stole his weed

oh nice yeah

every time somebody tells me

a sort of crazy unbelievable

story i’m like

there’s a reason that’s unbelievable

it’s just not

true well there’s some good stories that are

legit but that ain’t one of them i was

mad at this guy

like man you made me feel like your dog got stabbed

you know and

then i felt for that poor dog and murdered by some

you know some fucking asshole just wants to

steal a plant yeah

you know and then i’ve realized that this

idiots got two female dogs

i was looking to

accept that if it was too

betta fish and you

have female

dogs man female

dogs do not deal well with female dogs

it’s one of the

things you like

you know you can really

learn a lot

from about nature from

watching female dogs interact because female dogs

never choose an alpha

they don’t give up

like if you beat it like

squeaky and lucy were my two dogs

they’re both

sweet sweet dogs to people

but both would

fight you for attention

like if you were petting one of them

the other one

would come over and growl or like

bitch you better

get the fuck out of here that’s my hand i’m

gonna get this pet

and they hated each

other because this

and they would

never give up no matter how much they fought

i mean how many times

i would have to separate them with hoses sometimes

they would bite each

other and claw at each

other and go crazy

and in the middle of a fucking picnic

right everybody be just

chilling and

someone would give one dog a bone and the

other dog would get fucking

crazy before you know it it’s on

that’s like real

life thing it is like

those dogs should get a podcast yeah

it is like and you realize like that’s just a nature

thing like there is

a natural predisposition to not want

other women around you

especially other

women that are competing for

attention yeah that’s why

those women who hate

their daughters when they’re too hot

yes no longer hot yes

dude that’s dark yeah that is some dark

scary shit when

you got an old lady was hating on her pretty

young daughter

37 daughters

17 looking good

i’ve seen it man i’ve seen it happen many many times

i’ve heard of

guys take a let out

every guys who

their fucking

girlfriends mom comes onto them wow

how about that

how about your mom

still sort of got it she’s like

46 and kind of clinging on there

i know that this girl from

texas who her mom in

is like she’s a slut the girl i know from

texas you actually know her too oh really

and the mom is a slut

like an older version of her

and like they’ll

come over and have parties like in high

school and college

and like mom

would come out with like

short tits and fucking like it was just like

hanging out like she acted like she was one of the kids

whoa and is

she still does it

today though

with with her her mother

it doesn’t but

doesn’t she get like

super irrational and

start irrational fights too

no she’s actually i mean she works for an

airline and

stuff like that so she works

i’m thinking of a different girl yeah oh yeah we

love to talk

about the air

so i’ll know exactly what the

how often do you guys

bring up stories

are you like and this

said person went

we always try to edit around them

especially if they’re

particularly embarrassing

about a close friend

right it’s very difficult yeah you don’t want to

throw people into the bus

that bugs the shit out of me man when i watch

tv shows are listen to

radio shows and people

throw their friends

under the bus yeah

you probably

should i was

doing heroin with

some dudes you

could just talk

about anything like

joey diaz like

you know how you know

restrictions he

doesn’t give a fuck yeah

go ahead joe rogan

tell that story

it doesn’t care

i mean he’ll tell you stories

about me on his fucking facebook

he wrote that he invited

the guy he kidnapped

23 years ago to

be friends with him

on facebook and the guy accept his request diddy diddy

i don’t know

i don’t know i

doubt that we need to find that out he’s probably

getting harassment charges filed

against joey diaz

it’s been 30 years

i was just getting over it

i was kidnapped

he wasn’t kidnapped he was held at

gunpoint to a new

house to be like

where’s your where’s

the drugs yeah

yeah so we took it from one

house to another

and you gotta

think that no he tied that guy up bro

oh really yeah

he tied that guy up and he had a machine gun

it wasn’t like a

light cry wasn’t like it was jaywalking i got out of

control it’s pretty intense

it was already doing some shit yeah

and on top of that the

well the guy was selling drugs

and you got to

think anybody who’s selling

drugs who’s selling drugs back then was in the 80s

and drugs were real yeah

he can’t i can’t assume that guy’s

still alive

how could that guy be

alive that’s someone else with the same name

i grew up totally

different than

mountain lions and muggings from

yeah you grew

up in columbus

ohio man i was

upper middle class

you never ran out of milk in columbus

everywhere people make

their own milk carly

cow tipping

what was it like growing up in columbus and

then you know eventually realizing that the rest of the

world wasn’t like that you know i was thinking

about this last

night how weird it is that like at my high

school in my

school growing up there was only

like two asians all

right there was one girl one guy

the girl was

named konami

which was a

video game that was popular or company at the time

so she was like who’s this

asian girl and she has the coolest name ever konami wow

and the guy

i was his friend

and we grew up together and

my only asian

thing was like i was like in love with this

asian girl like she was like the only

person like her of the kind

and that’s where i

think i got like

asian fetishes from you know

one girl that one girl

so did someone else date this one girl

no she was very shy you know i

would buy her

those pencils that

used to take out the end and then put it in the back

bottom they have like little cartridges

oh yeah i know what you’re talking

about yeah yeah it was a big japanese girl thing

anyways like she

would give me like a pencil

and then i’m like

oh this is nice and

you know to give her a pencil no

no and then i had it right yeah

i had asian several years later and it was like

it was just regular sex and

it totally broke down those walls and now my

asian fetish was gone but

hemingway and his nick adams stories talks

about having sex with an indian for the first time

and then no girl would ever compete with that

round skin like plump woman india

from india or from american american

native americans

bitches probably wild

those are crazy

jungle bitches

it was weird

about mexicans is like out here you’re pretty much 50

50 in mexican and white almost you know or most or

everyone in columbus ohio there was like

i don’t even remember any mexicans just

white like i remember there was like

when the mexican race

started coming

to columbus and everyone’s like mexican race

like oh my god sell your

house sell your

house you know type

thing yeah yeah

i pretty much

lived had a

three bedroom

house that my mom gave me

grew up she got remarried and she was like

gonna sell and she’s like yeah you want

you just have it you know you know i do not have it but

you know live

i mean she owned it so right

just live there

and i was living there for like

three or four years and i just remember

the neighborhood slowly

starting to see more mexicans and to us they were like

so what was

weird problem people

would freak

out no it was just that you can tell the neighborhood

crime like my car

started getting broken into

are you streaming mexicans

no no no no i’m just saying at this time period

this is the facts that happened and then

i told my mom i like mom i love this

house but i

think you should sell the

house pretty

quick and so

she’s like alright so she sold it

and then like two years

later that neighborhood

is fucking destroyed

it looks like straight out of mad max like

the apartment sign

is like she crumbled

down and dude your mic is like really hot

is it yeah maybe it’s yeah

is it hotter than everybody else’s are you know

like on top of it yeah i’m probably just on top of it

did so did this was this engineer

because they do that you know they do what’s called

block busting but right

will go door to

door and they say hey mexicans are moving in you really

yeah you saw your shit now well i

think they actually

did move in now that’s the difference

it would actually be like the british are coming

like some paul revere

shit but it’s

weird how like in columbus like he seemed

like we only had like the mix mutt

the puppy like the mutt

i didn’t grow up with different

races and the only races we knew like italians

were all italian you know they were just like

that’s sweet through

three italians

they all exactly same that’s how that race acts

armenians see they

still wear gold chains

right the gold

chain they like to eat a lot

they’re very friendly

you know they’re

one lasagna away from having sex with each

other you know it was just if

crime went up when the mexicans

moved in it was

clearly the mexicans who were causing the crime

right well it seems like it seemed like

it seemed like poverty

caused it but if the mexicans

moved in you got to

think that you’re talking about

lower echelon

or class poor

poor these were different

seem different mexicans than the one that did

something happened

did a new job open up like a new

factory or some shit

they just started

migrating i

think you know lately

i mean i noticed

from zero mexican to

a lot of mexicans in columbus ohio within five years

yeah but isn’t there something that draws in there

they must have jobs there must be something i

think there’s been a

migration there

weren’t very many when i was

growing up but now there are

more like pee in a pool man it’s just diluting out

everywhere you know i

think they’re just slowly it’s

starting it seems like it’s

they start one

will move into a

plate i know there’s a lot in

colorado man yeah

yeah a lot of mexican martinez was there

fantastic mexican food there’s a

place called papusas

and boulder holy shit

you gotta get the menudo

it’s the real deal man

organs in there and bones and shit

menudo and there’s

organs in it it’s


that’s what menudo is

oh really do you know what

menudo is it’s not a

band i thought it was a gay band

it was a band

but it’s also a soup it’s this crazy like

beef and pork soup

i mean i don’t

even know what the fuck the ingredients are

cause they’re different

everywhere you go

everybody’s got

their own different way of making menudo

but what it is is some disgusting

fantastic beautiful creation of

where someone’s not even

worried about what something looks like

there’s bones in there

literally stomach

tripe and there’s

pieces of organs like

pieces of liver

it’s delicious

fucking fantastic

and it just looks like hell

this looks like hell it’s so good it’s supposed to be

really good

after hangovers too

wow i bet and if anybody knows anything

about hangovers it’s mexicans

they know what the fuck to do

they’ve got it down to a science

throw a bunch of

organs and bones into a bowl and

fucking heat that shit up

mexican women are so horny

are they yeah my friend

no no my friend has this mexican girl

every time i see him

together with her

it’s just non stop

she’s on grinding she’s moaning she’s kissing his neck

she has three kids two

three separate fathers

and she’s twenty one she’s what

but she is fucking so hot

and that’s all she does she has one

drink she is just whoa

what a good kid yeah

well there’s

a reason why there’s a lot of mexicans okay

it’s just a fact

they they’re

breeding okay

so the mexican

closer to the you know it’s

funny the mexican guys are awesome rapists

yeah the mexican girls

must be horny

there’s just no

other way around it they know they don’t report too

but there are a lot of high catholics

in there why

would they they love

babies you know

the problem

is i know if

i hung out with a girl like that

super hot latino’s 21

and she had

three babies and there was no condom around i’d

still be like oh fuck okay

right let’s just chance it yeah you

would probably fuck her and then

later i’d be like what was i doing

in the poor

communities man it’s not a problem having kids

you know it’s like in

when you get

older the real

issue is the reason why people

want abortions because they don’t want a kid ruining

their life quote

unquote you

know but in poor communities

like oh my god she’s

gonna have a baby she’s only 16 that’s so crazy

like they don’t

you know oh yeah your mama she was only 16

too it’s crazy

you both got the same shit

you know and like it’s okay

and everyone’s living together so it’s alright

and they all help take care of the baby and it’s all

family you know

poorer communities

what they do is there’s more of them in

smaller places

and they have like a tighter

knit sense of family

you get a big ass place with

a family that’s like

spread out where you the moms

never over the

house and grandmas

never over it’s like you see them on

rare occasions and holidays and shit

that’s not how mexicans rocket they

stack everybody together let’s all get in the

house together

that’s really a better way to

live as your

family is cool

my friend’s fiance

um she is big into like

rescuing dogs and stuff

and she hates

mexicans because of the way they just like

they take puppies and then they’re just now they’re

adults now let them go

they just wander around aimlessly

in those neighborhoods like all the mexicans i

know when you’re really poor

you don’t fucking give a shit about dogs

looking at everything

you’re on team people

you know that’s just how it goes

yeah i could see that too if i was mexican

or if i was poor and i was living in some community

you know probably love dogs and

everything but there’s only so many

things you can

think of you know

thing number one is you got to get the fuck out of this

crazy neighborhood

then worry about dogs hmm mm hmm

so did you see the

vice guide to

north korea

yes that one

is crazy how they like the food

they don’t have really shitty

crappy food and they have this

whole display that

tricks you into

thinking that they have a

bunch of food well we’re not doing a good


first of all

it’s vbs tv

there’s a show called the

vice guide to

travel and they go all over the

place the scariest one my favorite one’s liberia

but the north

korea one was interesting too

what brian is

trying to say is that what they did is they set up the

whole situation

because they knew that

these guys were


to try to trick people into

thinking that they have this luxurious

way of living

just like the western world and

even though

they are a communist society and they’re you

know run by a dictator

that you know

how we can go get something to eat but all

these things they realize we’re just set up for them

right when they went to restaurant

there was no

other patrons

tables are set up there was waiters and waitress

but there was no one else there so just somebody’s like

houses it wasn’t yeah they

weren’t real restaurants

they literally set up food for

these people and set up like a servers to so that they

would have good propaganda so they would

and they would

bring out really good looking food

and put it on all the

other tables almost like if it was like a wax turkey

you know so like it looked

like wow look at all that really good food and then he

would get served

what he said was like

you know over fried crap

you know like it

was like horrible food well they

weren’t really a restaurant i

loved their food

so it was like a

trick the whole

thing was like a

trick and what’s

crazy is like that’s almost like the

whole country almost are they just this huge

trick yeah they have nuclear weapons you know

they do yeah

they do have nuclear i got it’s too late

i mean that the real

issue is stuck now

it’s that’s an old school

dictatorship there’s one guy who’s running shit

and he’s got nuclear weapons i mean

that’s a rare situation

where you have one guy who’s

essentially running a

whole country

and the military

is gigantic they have like a million people in

their military

the military’s huge

he would suck

those that host

guy i don’t know if you remember this part at all

where he got

drunk and he was hanging out with

a soldier doing karaoke

singing and he insulted him somehow

yeah it was that

drunk he was just being a drunk

douche you know

like he was just a bad

drink the host is what i’m saying

oh the fat guy yeah

that guy annoys the fuck out of me that host i’m

sorry if he

listens or anything but that guy was kind of

annoying and kind of douchey

ass holey really yeah

i don’t know

well you know

i mean i think he felt

like that guy was playing him to him and that guy was

his like the guy was like a personal propaganda agent

he’s probably trying to fuck with the guy

just even for

the film to make the film more interesting

right you know

try to get but he said something of it was really mild

so whatever he said and it insulted this guy yeah

i got really

crazy where he wanted to kill him now

this is for phil

like vice guy yeah

it’s a web show you can

watch on the web

vbs tv it’s

fucking fantastic man there’s so much shit there

i have problems

with me with

like for me it’s like

one o’clock

in the morning i have to decide okay i can’t

watch documentary now because if i do

i’m not gonna

sleep for like five

hours i’m just

gonna stay up and i’m just good because i’ll go one

to the other to the

other then i

start writing and it

started writing

things down

about these different documentaries and

the bbs place is the

worst website

to go to at one o’clock in the morning for me

cause that’s just doom i just go

right off the deep end

and then you go and

start looking at the internet oh yeah

oh yeah and i

start yeah researching

other sources and writing

things down and make sure to talk

about this on the podcast and

you know write a bit

about that and

how the fuck is this

still going on in

2011 blah blah

blah did you hear what trent reznor did the other day

i mean this is what’s so fucking cool

about trent reznor

he just released

a website that has

every single

tour date that he’s ever done you know in like the last

past 20 years or whatever

you know they have all the tours

you know and then

they’re adding

soundboard audio from each

tour and you can download it for free wow so i

went back and

found like the dates that

i went to see him

and i’m gonna like

the ones i went

only a couple you can have the

whole concert

yeah you can have the

whole concert for free

the one that you went to like fucking 15 years ago so

this is gonna be a trip recorded

every concert he ever did

i guess so like only

i mean there’s a lot of them that are up yet

you know but there’s a lot of them that are

you know damn that’s gonna

crush it server

oh it was so

crushed when

i got it yesterday

right when he

announced it and it was like five minutes i was

you couldn’t even get

it on yeah i was downloading one and it said you like

estimated like

three days i

would like to find three days

his bandwidth fees are

gonna be for this yeah how does he pay

for i guess he’s got

money but just shit

he’s balling

he’s all like yoked out now

trent reznor

is like a fuck yeah

start working out

it’s a big meathead he’s got like a big

thick neck and shit

i wish he would come on

a podcast he

would be the most interesting podcast

did you make nice

nights with him

a long time ago you met him backstage and you know you

did i ever talk

about this no

no okay this is

a great story

cool story so like

before the internet was like

big at all i don’t even

think it existed or just you

know only like

schools had it or whatever

what year are we talking

about this is like ninety

three maybe i don’t know internet

wasn’t much wasn’t much

um i was a manager of a record

store and uh

i used to always have free cds and

stuff like that and i’m just sitting at my home once

going man i i wish i

could meet trent reznor he was like my hero you know

and um so i looked at the

back of the cd and there was an address that said like

whatever nothing records cleveland

ohio and had like a

zip code or you know had the

whole address i

wrote this thing saying

hey i’m a manager of a record store

i have like a

nine inch nail fan club

that it’s about

100 people read this newsletter i do and

stuff and i

was wondering if there’s any way i can interview them

or take photos

you know and

stuff and they’re like

of course send us a copy of it so

i was like oh fuck now i have to make a copy so i did

issue seven

and i had like letters to the editor

which it was like

sam what’s trent

you know favorite food and i

would like make shit up

you built a fake newsletter yeah it’s a fake newsletter

like it’s somewhere at my

house and then i

had fake articles

to take that

thing and scan it but i know

it’s somewhere it’s a

great story you

should tell that

story and scan

that newsletter and put it online right

they should

totally and so then you

know how big was it

eight by 10

yeah it’s eight by 10 was

about five pages long

and so then this person

called me actually

back and goes dude we love this newsletter

you can have any concert

record label any

marilyn manson concert

you know anything on his record

label you get full access backstage you get full

photo passes to anything you want to

and so welcome aboard brian

you know this is awesome whoa

and so then i just

started going to

every single concert possible i got to hang backstage

i mean i was talking to

trent and taking

photos i was

the thing that made me the

worst how many people were back there

no no not many

i mean how many

20 30 at a time

you were what at one of 20 or 30 how the

other ones were

quote unquote


i think i was the only one whoa that’s

crazy yeah what was kind of crazy is

imagine this if

you grew up loving nine

snails and i know

you at the time

maybe 18 19 something like that

and actually i was younger than that it’s like 17

whoa yeah and so imagine going from

your idol i mean trent was my idol he was the only

musician i liked

then going to here like

here’s the stage

trent’s right here i’m taking

photos he sees me and starts singing right into the

into the camera

so i have all these photos where he’s just screaming

right into my camera

and i didn’t have a real camera i used my dad’s old

camera and i was trying to learn how to use a manual

film camera so half the photos are blurry but it’s

probably cool that they’re blurry dude

some of them are

crazy like really cool

thing that makes me mad about

those shits online

they are online they’ve been online so they

are yeah just

nine inch nail red band on google

i’ll find it but then

i used to go to marilyn manson’s i did it with

marilyn manson and one time

i was hanging out backstage with

marilyn manson this is when

marilyn manson

first came out and he was like you know

beautiful people you know

stuff like that

and he goes brian go

do you live around here

right and i’m like yeah i live across the

street and he goes

go give me a razor

and i’m like really what okay

marilyn manson

marilyn manson

marilyn manson told you go get a

razor yeah whoa

and there was all these fans around him like what

chicks and shit like that there was women

block like the tour bus

they were laying on the

street in front of the the

wheels so that they couldn’t drive away on

twitter is it on

that blog it’s on

flickr but if you just google red band nine inch nail

photos or something like that or in in photos

so so so marilyn

so he tells me to get a

raise so i go inside running grab a

razor run back

and he’s like

thanks watch this

brian this is fucked up

hey who wants me to

shave a circle on the top of their head

and then these girls are like ah

so this beautiful

woman comes up and she’s like i want you to do it

and he goes

he starts just shaving in

a little bald spot on the top of her head like a monk

wow wow wow

like a ball

patch yeah wow

and they were into it they’re like

photos photos alright look at that

and you know what’s also

crazy is hanging out with jim rose

circus remember

those guys jim rose

circus yeah

i spoke behind him that’s awesome

back in the day i used to you know hang out with

them too because they used to open up for nine inch

nails and it

was just being backstage with like the puzzled peep

guy and the guys that hangs

great photos man yeah

that was like

i mean i didn’t know

i had no idea what i was doing

folks if you just google go to

flickr fli ckr

com and you

just google

redbann nin

photos and i’ll take you to the website

they’re fucking

great photos and

i wish trent reznor

would come on this podcast do you know him

no no i mean

back in the day it was like he was just blowing

that was during the

you know when he was just

becoming big you know like fuck me like an animal

and all that crap

damn that was a huge song

and that was gigantic

well people

and so i also did i also did

a remix of that

did he really

no he did hurt

oh that’s them yeah yeah

imagine if you

did fuck you like an animal with that gravelly old

man voice i

wanna fuck you

like an animal

i was talking to this girl the

other day about that

and they were like

she goes i love this song

it was hurt

and then i was like yeah

i like the original better though actually and she goes

she goes oh

what are you talking

about this is the original i’m like no

nines nails and she

had no idea who really

why are you saying

those words

too many songs

to really be up on all of them there’s no way

it’s weird because i’ve done that a few times

where i’m like this is an

awesome song not realizing it wasn’t even the original

song i heard buffalo soldiers

i only it was a buffalo

who did um what’s

named it was neil young

right and bob marley

bob marley but did neil

do it no who’s the guy who redid

one of his songs

oh i shot sheriff who

did we did that eric clapton

yeah i’d only

heard that and i heard

bob marley’s version i was like

what is this

who’s that girl

swinging in the middle sucks

yeah it’s kind of

weird that people can do that

just kind of like redo your shit yeah that most people

are wrong it’s

weird and like that you don’t have to you have to get

permission right

i don’t know if you get

permission you have to pay them by the moralities

yeah but it’s

weird you know like i

think it would be

better if it was like this

right i think it

would be better if it was like that like

man go write your own fucking song

every now and then then it comes out badass though

mm hmm there’s a few ones

there was a kid

cudi song that

i forget the name of the female that redid it

one of his songs

a hundred times better

sort of girl

singing it than

came to the version of

smells like teen

spirit it’s pretty great

yeah tori amos

that bitch used to

whale on that fucking piano

she’s one of the

weirdest singers ever man there was something like

super hyper

sexual fucking

creepy weirdo

about hair yeah

everything singing

screaming into the

piano when she’s fucking slam yeah you can barely

understand the words but brilliant

piano playing an incredible

voice that was a preacher

wasn’t that was

molestation son

oh wow some girls

become strippers

some girls can sing

multi grammy winning artists

yeah boy you best pray that i

bleed real real soon

how’s that thought for you

that was one of our lines remember that

boy you best pray that i

bleed real soon

like fucked up

that’s fucked up and shot a load in me

sparky and it’s already

should have come

but i hope the next couple days we’re

ready to make people

uh oh that’s

scary how’s that for a what

how it the line is boy you best pray that i

bleed real soon

how’s that thought for you

wow because you know

i so you found a girl

thinks really deep thoughts

that’s the the words

what’s so amazing

about really deep thoughts boy you best pray that i

bleed real soon how’s that

thought for you

yeah like fuck real

thoughts fuck this amazing

deep here’s reality

deep girls i just

wanna you know i wonder

come back to reality

i so don’t need to get my period thoughts from girls

you know george harrison said this once

and it’s a brilliant

quote and i use it all the time

all i need from a girl is to be attracted to her

everything else i get from a man

it’s really true

i mean you know you

should have

women in your

life that you have good conversations with and

that you enjoy

their company and you know you know you

share a lot of interest

so that’s all good there’s nothing

wrong with that

but if you don’t

you’re gonna be okay

you know as long as you have friends and you have

chicks that you’re attracted to

there’s guys who live

happy lives

contrary to popular belief

where they just have

girls that they

have sex with and they just attracted to them

and they have all

their interesting time and fun with

their friends

the bachelor culture

for a lot of guys man that bachelor

culture is so fucking

like the idea of being like

a bachelor forever that’s so tempting

dudes that are roped down and terrible

marriages and their wife

scream at them

until i can

think of right now is like i’m just

enjoying single

i don’t want to deal with any sort of responsibility

it’s anything that comes attached to that very

tricky it’s very

tricky i am happy

but i realize that i don’t have to be i

could very well be with some

crazy bitch who

doesn’t like kids

or she has some


dreams that she feels like

these children are holding her back from

that’s an issue with a lot of girls

and then all of a

sudden there’s some

weird resentment because

they have to take care of the children

more than the father does because the dad has to work

i have a few friends that had kids

that they would have that

issue with the wife

would be mad at them

that they didn’t have to deal with the kids all day

and she would like immediately

give them the kids as soon as they get home and the

wife would just

lock herself in the bathroom and

fill the tub up and

wouldn’t answer questions and

leave me alone like

just this weird

chaos inside your

house and your family yeah

so for guys like that

man then they have a friend who’s like just in case

like i grew up

around a lot of pool players

and a lot of pool players are lifelong bachelor’s

some of them wind

up having kids here and there some of them even get

married for a little bit

the last because most of

them are playing pool till five o’clock in the morning

every fucking day and they’re gambling

they’re going on the road and they’re

going to tournaments they’re

traveling all over the country and

it’s just a wild life

and then like the 1940s

and the 50s in america there was this big bachelor

culture of pool halls

that’s why pool

halls were always associated with like dead beats and

people doing the

wrong thing and

bad people hanging out in

places it’s because

those are the guys that didn’t get

wives and kids and didn’t get regular jobs

and just said i don’t

wanna be a fucking

slave i don’t

wanna live a shit life

i wanna have fun

i wanna play ten thousand dollar sets at

three o’clock in the morning

you know they it’s just

they just decided that it

would be more fun that do you

think a lot of it has to do with divorces

yeah fucking divorce is terrible man

crushes people that’s what it seems

like you go

through one divorce man it ain’t like a

breakup man

i have friends

i have one friend that’s been divorced twice

this fucking

dummy is in his

third marriage now he’s been divorced

twice so wait most of

those bachelors are saying

were had been divorced

no i mean i’m a divorce

like divorced

fam like mom and dad was divorced i don’t want to

that’s why you

might want to be a bachelor

because i know

i don’t know i

think a lot of it is bad relationships man

it’s hard it’s hard to be

happy i know a few people like that

that their version of relationship was bad

their mom dad

always fought and like i just don’t want to do that

there’s that yeah

or they don’t want to get

married but they don’t mind staying with somebody

there’s that

but there’s also

it’s fucking very difficult

especially i feel like on the east

coast on the east

coast i found it much harder because a lot of the

women were harder they did had this like a lot of

like like hard edge sort of you

know brassy

tough girl kind of shit

which i don’t find

attractive at all i find that repulsive

like girls like

their hands on

their hips and they want to talk shit and getting

insult battles with you you know

good luck hooker

you know take care i’m

so not into that like getting into arguments and chicks

i mean how many times have you

dated girls like that

yeah most of the time

no i’m not into

that man you can’t talk shit to me you can’t

talk shit to me if you’re my friend and you can’t talk

shit to me if you’re dating

if you want to

start insulting me and getting

stupid for no

reason it’s like why

because they want to because they’re

frustrated or they want to pick on something about you

know god forbid if you’re not the most

successful guy

you know god forbid if you know you’re in

the middle of trying to put something together and they

start criticizing you

i’ve had i’ve had relationships with girls

where they like you know would

critique what i’m doing and you know

what what’s

gonna happen if that

doesn’t pan out for you and talk all kinds of

crazy shit like i don’t know what’s

gonna but if you don’t pan out for you what i’m like

bitch i’m twenty one or

why are you getting so

crazy like what am i doing

with you settle

down trying to

blow loads okay that’s

the only reason why we’re hanging around you’re my

my pussy dealer

you know you’re

my goddamn vagina dealer and you’re insulting me

i try to get my fix i’m

gonna have to get it somewhere else yeah

black chick

it’s cheaper

that’s what it is bad expect

it becomes like some sort of a fucking a sex barter

system you’re willing to tolerate nonsense

until you get

older and then when you get

older you kind of

understand who you are

and you attract people that are a little

smarter and a little more experienced

in life and then you can have real relationships

with people that you actually find interesting

when i start

going on dates

i was just trying to make the girl feel happy

oh you know i mean like

i was just like just have her keep talking what fart

crotch shot

just take a look at my dick

but just have her keep talking i’d be

fine just make sure she’s having a good time and then

later it’s like i

wanna have a good time too

let’s talk about

stuff for both of them too you know what i like i like

finding a girl

that’s really

young like 22

and then them having

complete like all

right i trust you

you know like here let me teach you

about this let me teach you

about this and they listen you know so

if somebody came to me when i was 22 years old

and gave me guidance

creep gave me guidance

that would be guidance

from who though man

maybe you shouldn’t be

giving guidance

no no i mean

they’re looking for her father

you know and you like to

like little

things like i just

ever join yeah

guess i’m not to get too high

gotta know when to back off exactly like

hey you know

you don’t know when to stop you

think getting drunk is

great just take

you know three

drinks and then take a water

oh that makes

sense i could do that yeah

things like little

things like that management

that is an art that is

very important because i’ve been out so many times with

people and they just want to keep

going come on one other

drink no drink

like i don’t need another

drink why do you need me to have another

drink i’m happy right now

we don’t all need to go to

oblivion together if you want to go to oblivion i’ll be

right here and i’ll tell you what really go for it

i’ll show you

where your room is

i don’t have to go to oblivion too stupid

enablers they’re

looking for someone to make them feel better

about it i’m

gonna dive in with them let’s go into the

crazy pool come on man

i’m going to the

crazy pool don’t you

wanna go in the crazy pool

yeah like i’ll be

right here sunbathing

right next to the

crazy pool so

brian you’ve been having

a lot of issues with girls man in your life i think

i think we need to

write a book

change the name to protect the nsa

because this shit is just too good

yep it’s too much good

stuff going on like

a soap opera

twix eviction

he’s um look

brian i think

it cannot be disputed that you are in fact a pimp

no you got bitches

i would if i was all in

if i didn’t

wouldn’t want to murder so many bitches

well you should wait

no pimps love to murder bitches

no i’m not gonna murder anyone

are you concerned to

think that i

would actually murder

oh you mean like somebody else murders her

that could be happening the podcast oh

see we don’t do this like a lot of

those other guys bro this is live

i don’t know okay

this shit is

gonna get on

the internet no matter what it’s on the internet

right now it’s already there

probably chopping this

thing up and making a

video of that as we

speak so you

should be careful

you should be very careful what you say

you’re paranoid

no not you um

shit seriously

you look crazy we should we

should change the name to protect the innocent

you write a book

days of your lives because it’s fabulous the

story is fabulous

you what you should

you really should do

what you really

should do is

start experiments

what do you mean like with them yeah

start life is an experiment

joe just like yours yeah

i know life’s an

experiment we’re in the labs

we are in the labs

what are you guys talking

about we’re meeting

with you yeah

there was a few people when i used to

when i first

moved to california

one of the weird things is

when you meet

people that are like i’m sure you’ve met a ton of

these people

that are in

open mic nights that have no

chance there’s

zero missing yeah

what is that how

weird is that feeling that’s why

you staying with this you’ve been this more than like

three times like why

yeah there’s something absolutely

wrong with them there

for a couple years you like

you’re not getting any response so they

would become my science projects

and i would

literally make notes

i would be like okay now i see some resentment

starting to show

didn’t have resentment before

but now there’s some resentment we’re

about five years into this

thing and now they see that

other people are actually making a living

going out and getting gigs

and i would like be in the back of the comedy

store and people be pissed that no one

would take them on the road with them

and i’m like whoa

like you don’t even see your own self

why do you think you

should like you’re not good you don’t do well

those are the

weirdest nights when someone

would go up like damon

wayans would show up

and you know out of in the middle of

like sunday

night you know there

be a lineup and you know a

bunch of comics like

maybe get on

maybe you don’t

and then damon

wayans would show up and some guys but fucking

bullshit man the fuck man he’s taking my fucking

stage time and you’re like whoa whoa whoa whoa dude

you really shouldn’t be on

stage at all

and sunday and probably

weren’t even

gonna get up there

let’s be honest you were only

gonna get up there what are you

gonna do or show up

yeah exactly that’s the

other problem they

would do the same

stuff the guys at the comedy

store hate it when people come in like on

sundays and

monday nights the

pop pop at night

and they go on like during the employee section

but they hate

it more if they’re just doing the material they’ve all

heard a thousand

times like why did you come here during our sets yeah

come do the same crap you’ve been doing

the only reason why i

could see anyone wanting

to do that is if you’re just looking for a tune up set

yeah you know it’s like you

yeah but that

would be fine up in a

while and you want to just kind of like some showcase

something loosen up

you don’t do it on

friday night the comedy

store was the most

the i’ve never been to a

place where people like felt like

you’re taking away from

their time it’s because

junkies you’re taking away

their fucking

juice yeah that’s all it is yeah

we’re stephanie

escalated once

david tell came in was like his

first time coming in for like years that i’ve seen and

she was like you to go on

and like we’re all like oh cool we

could see david tell

and and he’s

like no i don’t bump anybody she was like i’m sure

no one will mind it was like what are you talking about

of course they’ll mind they’ll

understand but they don’t want it to happen don’t mind

yeah if red fox came out of the

grave and was like i want to go on next like

right after me

would be the

best time to go on yeah people get pissed yeah

yeah it’s a tricky

thing man that the bumping comedians

thing and it gets real

tricky when guys

use it as like a douchebag move when they purposefully

do it and they don’t

wanna call in they don’t wanna

they don’t want

schedule in advance they want that

clout of being able to just walk in and go on

stage like look at me i’m here

forget what you were doing

look at me i’m here

i have that problem all the time do you jumping in

like you just go in there and just get that love yeah

what do you do with it when you get the love

give it to somebody

oh you’re so sweet

some behind what

so um do you

think this is

gonna have a

happy ending your scenario

it’s pretty

crazy right now

yeah can you

get over it

in a year you won’t talk

about it all

within like a year you want that well the

summary is within

a year the other

two will both be pregnant with his baby

summary is ex

girlfriends all seem to be knowing each other and

combining to form

voltrons of let’s work together to get each other

to get him back

but they know what they’re trying to do like

all using each other to

to get each other back

to get each

other back and

to get you somehow

stay in my life here’s

the deal dude as long as you keep smiling you win

okay as long as

you keep smiling you always win no matter what they do

if it doesn’t hurt your feelings

you always win

exactly exactly

they become parts your act

building my own material and if

they’re not your act

motherfucker they’re

gonna be my act cuz i’m thinking

about talking about it

oh they’re in my act cuz i got a

whole a whole bit that i’ve been working on for years

that you pay

you pay bro you pay

no matter what you pay

it’s fucking

you know you can’t

first of all you can’t fuck over your head

don’t try don’t do it you can’t fucking

don’t do it fuck fuck people that are actually

attracted to you your

speed don’t go

crazy when you

start fucking over your head

it runs you into deep water

every time sometimes

that’s just fucking over your head is just a

title like wow you won this title

if you didn’t have this

title you’d be

a little bit

in their head as being

above your head

you know what the fuck did you just say i’m trying

i’m trying to

tiptoe around

things joe i know what you’re trying to do

buddy you know

like if you’re what you’re saying is that

i’ll make it

briefer what

you’re saying is that it seems like they’re

above your head

it’s only because they have this

label but in reality they’re not

right if they did not have that

label of that one certain award

right then you are just a

crazy fucking person that’s

right but that’s the only

reason that’s not

above my head that’s that you

know well she is hot as shit

so sort of is

above your head

well see you guys

don’t see anything

except the photoshopped

version what do you mean

i’ve met her

what are you talking

about are that her or

yeah or done up

to be that character

you better hang

it out let me

tell you something not

every girl can get

done up to be that character

you know how much makeup

would be so

popular if that was the case if they look like ugly

bitches could just

throw something like that pixie

dust on their face

we’re not saying you’re an ugly guy

bro don’t get me

wrong you’re a very handsome

young man you have

beautiful features

especially when you

clean shaven

why it takes years i don’t know what i’m saying i’ve

dated some beautiful women

in my life and

i’ve been handsome

that’s not what i’m saying

what i’m saying

is yeah i know what you’re in once

we shouldn’t even really talk

about you i have a better story

there’s a guy that i know that was actually a rock star

and he was living with this

chick and he eventually got

married to her and she was way hotter than him

and everyone

knew that it was just a matter of time she was just

literally she just

was waiting to

stick her needle in him she was

just like not

yet not yet not

yet married mmm

let me see if i

could do a year we

married a year

if i could do two years i’m

gonna make more money

let’s see if i can make

three years she made it

about three years that’s

fucking needle in there and just

started sucking money and

blood out of them and just vanished and

changed and became a totally different person and

hired lawyers who attacked

no prenuptial of course so she’s just

raping and pillaging like a fucking

monster just tore through his life

like all sudden

she pulls off her mask and she shows what happened

he robbed he got robbed

she robbed him

she fucked him

she sucked his dick she did it all for like

three or four years

and then she robbed him she

literally robbed

him she made millions and millions of dollars

and he was he’s a really unattractive guy and he’s

small and he’s got like little hands and he’s

not he’s nothing manly

about her and

this girl is like she’s like an

alpha she’s an

alpha female she’s got a hot body

you know she’s like in

shape and young and like

and she came from

she like other relationships

where she was dating pro athletes and a

bunch so she had been like

targeting people

like for a while

and she just went

after this guy and robbed a man

and that was a

clear example fucking over your head for this poor fuck

and he was just

bonkers over it just bonkers man he took her everywhere

on the road

with them yeah he helped let her

design the house they

built the house the

other said you get your asshole looked

right just one time and you’re fucking

hey man if you’re some

little weasley dude with terrible genetics

and you know just you

know just happen to be like really good at a certain

area of music and

you know you

start making you know

you know people like

cheer when they see you on

stage and you know

this bitch just

started racking up dollar signs in her head

but the scary

thing from all his friends was how it

changed like

overnight like when she decided to sink the needle in

it was like all

right games over games over

she’s over it’s on

yeah look i’m

not attracted to you i’m not into you i don’t love you

and this poor fuck

tried to bring it back he

tried he didn’t

understand he didn’t get it

something must be

wrong what did i do

wrong we can make it work out i

don’t like you

just got she got

crazy and angry it’s so pathetic i really

i thought i mean i this is

the most pathetic i’ve ever seen you just attacking him

and abusing him this poor fuck

tried to keep her around

you know just like i’m not

gonna make this

the marriage hard i’m not

gonna make divorce hard i just want you to be

happy good i want to be

happy too like just

anger just no love

and just suck the

money from him sucked it

yeah i got the

i got the you know if we

break up you’ll come walk

crawling back to me yeah at

least i can

i said again

again and you will won’t you

huh you will

i mean if she be

they fucking hook you dude i get it

they fucking hook you if it’s

three o’clock in the morning and you’re

standing there

like sort of halfway committed to masturbating

while you’re

watching television

you know you’re like playing with your underwear

while you’re

watching tv like

should i beat off you know that foggy thing

for most women

don’t know this but most men

while we’re

watching tv alone

we’re in a constant

state of semi masturbation so just do it yeah

where your hand is always on your dick and you’re

always adjusting your balls or you’re rubbing your dick

just to see

if dick could get hard

right now i’m watching

documentary on killer whales

let’s see if my dick gets hard

that would be

crazy my dick discard

hard right here

while i’m watching

these killer

whales the thumb comes out of your

mouth and onto your

dick no they don’t do that stuff

but if that was going

on no i mean like you

start off you’re born with your

thumb in your

mouth and then when you

grow old it goes to your dick

really okay

anyway if all this is

going on and you’re in your underwear

watching tv

three o’clock in the morning and

you open up the door and she was there

you would go

come on in of course

next thing you know

mouth would i

boom boom no

no i would say that but if she was

if she showed up in a fur coat

now she opens a fur coat and

she’s lingerie

shut your mouth of course you would

if you don’t if you don’t

call me at three

o’clock in the morning and i’ll come over and slap you

and i’ll put a camera

on you so i

could have the most

mediocre sex i’ve ever had yes oh that’s

true that’s not true no it is true what listen

you just gotta get better

at making noises

what’s that

about what kind of okay

i guess you could

say that or i can go through the no

no no don’t

don’t be nice no no i’m just

saying what

you’re saying i know you’re saying but you don’t need

to i know you’re saying you don’t want to do that

yeah um yeah well you

know what man a lot of people that moments of weakness

every ex girlfriend i have

great sex yeah

yeah moments of weakness

especially my

dick even the ugly ones that are like jewy with

like four kids that i liked when i was like 15 i was

still like all

right let’s do this i have very little

confidence in myself with my dick is hard making

smart choices

especially if i was

alone in my house and

halfway masturbating

dude yours we’re so

mad though it’s so true

jerk off first then

think about

it yeah that’s

legitimate advice it works that is

legit advice so i used to

we used to say that me

and my friend

jimmy did tell

you when we

lived together in walt

at massachusetts where we

would go out

to avoid making fucking big mistakes

we used to like actively say that and do it like all

right remember you

gotta beat off

first before you leave the

house or you’ll fucking

chase after bad

dreams and i

would fucking make sure

just as a rule

you know we

lived together we had a

stack of pornos most of them that i

stole from my stepfather

well fucking cases of fucking vhs tapes of porn

i stole some of them bitches when you ain’t

gonna say shit

these are mine

i moved out or

when i came back home

but i felt terrible your dad yeah my stepdad

so great is it where my

god damn it

playboy always make sure that you know

always got to make sure you peed off

first before you leave the house

one time i walked in

on him beating off the living room was so embarrassing

you’re done no no no no my friend jimmy oh

not my stepdad

did he jump up

no no he was

laughing he was

laughing he stopped though yeah he stopped

you know he just

turned sideways so i couldn’t see his dick

he was naked in the living room

you fucking freak we

lived a little

mess apartment yeah it was a tiny

apartment it

was just a living room and two bedrooms he went there

and you had two bedrooms

well you know the tv in

his room he didn’t have a tv in his room at the time i

think we own a tv in the living room

that’s what it was

was he watching porn do what you

gotta do yeah he’s

watching oh okay so he had to be there

but there’s

gotta be a reason to do it there

i think i went to a gig

i think i went to a gig and i was just home

earlier than he thought you know

that was the salad days

back in the day

waltham massachusetts

right in front of the burger king

you ever have ingram tell you

about about when he walked in and his

girlfriend fucking his best friend whoa what

he got home

early from chili’s one day oh my

god i’m off

early and he came home he’s like wow

wow that’s fucking

crazy that’s nuts

i’m glad that

never happened to me i

would not know how to

that’s such a

it’s one thing if she’s fucking some

other dude it’s something

he was letting you stay there

like he was like alright you can stay here

while you’re and then

some bitches are

crazy man some bitches just can’t help

themselves when they’re around a man they want that

man to want

to fuck them

and it’ll get real

close and they don’t mean to do it

but once their

pussy gets wet

and that guy touches

it and then his dick is hard all of a sudden now

we’re doing whoops

it’s in there it’s in there it’s in there

and the friend too is not thinking

clearly either

you can’t think

clearly man

hard dicks are

monsters they’re

monsters hard dicks have minds of

their own hard

what you think

that’s right

heart dicks yeah

what the fuck is that

that’s my new

baby the most


self help books called heart dick

what i’m trying to do is combine men and

women together i mean men are

basically dicks and women have

heart you know

and together we’re all

happy we need heart dick

it’s like goop like the gwyneth paltrow website i’ll

start a website called heart dick

it’s probably already registered

there’s probably

some dork out there in australia

right now to

slam my keyboards too

late heart dick

com i could see the graphic

man the top

would be the

head and then we’ll come down to two balls and come

under it look like i like it yeah

that’s cool

heart any designer out there make a

heart dick and you can

make the bottom is like fades to pink and little hairs

unless you’re black you can get a black version too or

heart dick is a

fuck fucking big

giant chimpanzee

black balls

this week chimpanzees have the biggest balls ever

do they really yeah if i if my balls were

black if i was a

black guy i’d want like chimp size balls

i heard over michael do a really good joke

about when he said

you think i have small shoes you do you

think small shoes means oh it was a fucking

puppet comic a black guy with an old

white guy puppet that’s who told the joke

but he goes oh i know what the girls are

thinking you must i must have a

small dick because my small shoes well

you know who else has small shoes horses

i feel like it’s fucking good that is

funny that old man

dummy that’s very good because a

horseshoe is only like as big as you yeah

and those dicks aren’t that

big yeah massive

that’s actually very funny man

horses don’t have such big balls

oh they taste the same

do they you know gorillas have little tiny ass balls

really yeah

i’ve done my

research and

no it’s true

we’ve actually gone over

this in the podcast before but i’ll do it just for the

point of this this particular

discussion for people who don’t want listen to

every fucking episode

or observe the

the size of your balls

is directly related to how many

female sluts there are in your community

why are my balls so much bigger

this is why you grew up with whores okay

or at least my ancestors did yes someone

grew up with whores

for real it’s true

when your body is producing

sperm a huge amount of

sperm like a great percentage of it

are attack sperm

that are they’re only around to kill other sperm

oh yeah so if

a guy shoots a load and some chicken and you come in

and you get sloppy seconds

your loads will go and kill his loads wow

yeah that’s why chimps have big balls

cause chimp girls are whores

like there’s that bit that i used to do in my act

about chimpanzees it’s a true

story about

they did studies on chimps

they taught them that if they gave them

they taught them the

value money and they taught the chimps that they

would give them coins

and if they

gave the coins back they give them food so they realize

these coins represent food and they would do

things to earn the coins

and then they

would get food from it

the first thing that chimps did

was give the coins to the female chimps and fuck them

it was the first

thing they did

they went right up to

him and they were like look i got this this is for food

and the female chimps

would go they

would get their food

they would eat

their food and they

would just like

stick their

pussy out on the male chimps

because they wanted to fuck anyway yeah

well they wanted to fuck anyway and they would

allow it like whenever the male chimp wanted it like

right away it

wouldn’t have to be him chasing

her around the fucking cage all day and then finally

she says okay okay fine that’s what most of it is

it’s the human

equivalent to the sympathy hand job

exactly you

know it’s just like in the chimp

world the chimp pimps you know

they can just kick back and

relax and then they’re more

attractive because

they’re not constantly chasing

after it the ones that are all needy

just like in real life

if you’re all needy chasing

after a girl over and over and over again

she’s like alright fine you can fuck me

but if you don’t even

hardly talk to her

and all the

other girls

are talking to you and then she’s like why is he

with them i’m surprised how

often girls when when you’re like i don’t really wanna

you know a girlfriend

they’re like wow that’s

that’s what i want and then how many of them like all

right it’s fine

we’ll do it on your terms

yeah but how many of them do it and try to

trick you like oh i don’t want a

boyfriend either yeah there’s a few

i’m not in there’s

definitely a few of those

they give it just because you’re interested or they’re

lying to themselves too

the reason why you can keep

these non monogamous

relationships is just because you’re an

she’s gonna be dating some boring

motherfucker that

sounds like yeah an accountant

or something who works all day and is exhausted at

night and you know

just get gout

getting fucking


because he’s fucking stressed at work because he

needs to be

talking to his boss

about some sort of a

promotion they feel like there’s a

glass ceiling and you

know they’re dealing with nonsense man at

least you’re fun

you take a chick

to a comedy show just like look at this guy gets up on

stage and makes people laugh

yeah so you’re allowed to pull off this i don’t want a

girlfriend shit for the

only way i’m a dick is if you wake me up before noon

let me sleep then it’s like we’ll have

no problem i hate that why do they have to all wake up

early why i

always go wake up just go do whatever you want

do they really

oh man it’s all see it not the girls i did

well people with regular jobs to wake up

early because i used to it that’s true yeah you

gotta be careful

with the girl as a regular job or girls are like

hyper ambitious come on let’s go hiking

oh i hate that

i’ve never went skydiving i

wanna try skydiving and you’re

gonna go with me

bitch i am not

dying on a fucking

farm rooftop

i’m not gonna that’s not

gonna be the last

thing i see

as i go through the fucking roof of the barn

we never go on vacations

we never go hiking

we never go to

santa barbara what

santa barbara

is amazing this time of year come on let’s go if you

weren’t around

i would never even

think of doing that

yeah i mean there’s some fun shit you can do

you know as a couple

that you really can’t do with your buddies like you i

guess you could go wine tasting or something it

might be a fun weekend

cool go for a

drive great

to black out and get drunk

it’s cool to just do different

things man are you hurting

are you hurting are you hurting inside no i went to

santa barbara

and that’s what happened to me

there was like five wineries

all in a row and you just like walk from each one i do

it’s so expensive getting a

hotel in santa barbara we can only afford one

night which was like

350 dollars

santa barbara

has a lot of wineries too oh yeah

starts there yeah okay

it was like

350 at night so we

got this really nice or actually it was a pretty shitty

room me and katie

and we went to like five wineries and then

that you walked to them yeah you just walked

from winery

what they were they were

fronts where like you know they

stored oh i see

but you do wine

tastings there and it was

like you know down the

street or whatever

so you basically

drive just to

drink wine exactly but not even seeing the grapes

i thought that was part of the charm some

places you can do it well i mean i did

that where you pull over on the side

like here next five

miles it’ll be this place

go to the grocery

store grab some

grapes and look at them

and then go

into the wine

would you want to go to maynard’s

vineyards how cool is that maynard from tool

he’s got vineyards yeah

he’s a fascinating guy my buddy dustin

is a sound guy you know he does like

travels with bands and chips

and you know dustin

and dustin said he’s a

super cool guy and he just wants to train

jiu jitsu all the time he’s apparently really good at

jiu jitsu yeah

man is a phenomenal

jujutsu guys like hicks and gracie student

and like that’s he

brings dustin with him on the road

cause dustin can do jiu jitsu with him as well oh

and so they like set up the

sound and they have matt set up our house

train and then what he wants

train for like an hour and a half and shit

loves to roll go over techniques like really loves it

that last night in the winer though it was our

i mean when we were there that that

night after we went to five wineries

puking all night

like like laying on

floor can trying to drag her into bed and she

wouldn’t go so she

slept in the toilet

wine is so awesome when it’s good

you know i never travel like when i’m never

traveling happier

at like when i’m going

through the wine menu the one when i’m with lichtenberg

know lichtenberg

yeah you give that

guy the wine menu you don’t even ask you don’t say like

should we get this he just go dude

pick something cool

he knows exactly what to do

he’ll bring his own wine please

remember that wine crazy

thing he has dude he’s not fucking around i go over his

house bro he’s got this

giant walk in wine cellar

wow it’s all temperature controlled he’s got all

these bottles on the walls

and he’s got them all like segregated

these are from france so

these are california cats that’s his hobby

well he’s a master i mean he really knows his shit

i went to his birthday

and there was a wine tasting

party i tried writing a bit

about it and i started

towling around

stage but no one

could relate it was like so off the charts weird

so i’m there

right and you know

i enjoy wine it’s really good but everyone else at the

party is a wine connoisseur

so we have this tasting menu

where they’ll

bring over these little tiny

plates of food like different horderbes and stuff

and then they’ll bring over

a selection of wines to go with it

often two or

three different wines to go with it

and everyone will go over the selection

and then they’ll all talk

about it so

i had a recorder with me and i recorded it i wish i

could find it

because it was so

ridiculous it’s like

this one has a woody finish

yeah it’s like okey and the tannins

and then this one is corked and

someone would say i

think this one is corked and everyone else would join

and i’d be like this is my favorite one

the one that

you’re saying is bad is like my favorite one

like how do you

i don’t understand

they looked at

you as like a

saxon oh i was a

loser i mean

they have an

educated palette

and i’m like why

would you want your

sense of taste to be that educated why

would you want to be so goddamn specific

about wine well what is kind of cool

about that is there’s one i went to where

that the winery

is next to like a rose garden or something

and so they were like you can

taste the roses in it because it’s you know in the dirt

oh oh tony left a joint shut your

mouth next to

what tony who

tony henchcliff

left a joint next to a box in a bag

in a sealed bag next to a box of

those dryer sheets

yeah and the joint

tastes like yeah

tastes like

dryer sheets

oh my god when

you exhale only

yeah so this is

crazy through a

sheet through

a through a

ziploc bag it’s

crazy yeah this wine though

like they said

taste the roses and like you

drink it and you just have this

slight tint it’s kind of cool

thing right next to it

the air would

get into it

wow that’s kind of

freaky yeah wow

it’s two buck chuck very

you ever doing two buck chuck yeah

delicious charles

what is that is it

particles from the fucking rose the particles

what is it it’s

probably just from over the years you know of just

i don’t know do they really know is that like

these are science

guesses right

this is wineries

talking about

their product it’s the same

thing as a joint

the detergent

thing how does

it get to it i don’t know what is it

air but what happens in the air it’s like what’s

traveling over there

smells smell

smell is little tiny part of those

have no idea

gets in it that’s why my friends say when you

smell a fart that’s little

piece of shit it is

no that’s why it’s so offensive

well that’s one of the reasons why

grilling over wood is so delicious

it gets it in the

flavor dude

i have is down i know how to cook a

steak over mesquite

i always get mesquite hardwood like if you go to like a

whole foods

they don’t sell burkets like burkets are

all like you know he bought a kingsford on that shit

a lot of them they’re jammed full of

lighter fluid

you know the way that

the best way to cook

is you don’t use

you don’t use any lighter

fluid you just use

paper and one of

those cones you know they have

those like they’re like a volcano looks like

a chimney that’s what i love

yeah and so you pour all the coals in the chimney

and at the bottom there’s an area where you

stuff paper

so you light the

paper on fire and the

paper the flames go up it catches

the mesquite wood

you lay it down and then

once it gets to a certain

temperature when it’s like really red hot and just

steamed then you sear

it on each side

for two and a half minutes and you finish it on the top

and it just

smells like the wood and the

the fucking

meat is so delicious have you ever used one of

those chimney

sweep logs you know

where you put it in and

cleans your chimney out

those i guess that

cleans your chimney out

the fuck are you talking about

there’s a log that

clean if you

never know that oh that can’t be good

can you imagine

that be just

killing birds that’s

where all those birds are falling from the fucking

sky did one of

those right

you know how

about this man i was just

thinking about this

speaking of birds that fall from the sky

cause this really is kind of

bizarre you know

you know when people

think about the

apocalypse you know people think

about you know the end of days and shit like that

stuff like that happens this is the kind of shit they

talk about right

biblical yeah yeah

like dying fish and

dying birds and all

these things happening and frogs

what happened with that with the birds

they don’t well they’re

saying autopsies but they’re saying all kinds of

crazy shit like

some of them say that the birds like got scared by

sound and slammed into

into houses

wasn’t there more that’s

yes yesterday was chicago

they’re lying for sure but here’s the

thing they’re

guessing and they’re trying

to come up with some sort of an answer because i don’t

think they really know

they’re saying that

these birds have

they’re showing

trauma on their body

of course they’re showing

trauma they

fell from the fucking sky retard like

the idea that they ran into

houses and that’s how they died that’s

stupid because there’s not broken

houses and they

weren’t all around

houses exactly

and there’s no way they

would all be like near the

house if they’re all

slamming in the

houses they

would all be

right there i

heard they were

high up in hail

that eventually melted when it came down

lower so that

could be it that definitely

could be it or it

could be some poisonship

you know we talked

about that john

wheeler guy that

guy that was assassinated he was a chemical weapons

expert and you

know he was a chemical weapons

expert under george bush’s father

and he was involved

somehow another with the current administration they

found this guy tortured and murdered in a landfill

and this was like

right along the time that all this shit was going down

you know with

these birds falling from the sky and

these 100 000 fish turning up dead

you know and massive

fish kills sometimes that shit happens sometimes

you know sometimes things go

wrong or you know

pollutants get in the

water or you know

what if it’s just government testing

it could be

jet that’s a

smash or it

could be them testing chemicals

a conspiracy

worth their

swan yeah well you know

fucking the problem with conspiracy

theories is some of this shit is really going on

the problem in conspiracy

theories is people want to come up with a theory for

everything a lot of

their ideas are

completely ridiculous and

they they’re

hoping that

these theories are right

because they

want the most

sexy and ridiculous option to be

real has there been any

video of or witnesses

showing of the birds falling like hey why are all

these birds falling i do not

think so i don’t

think anybody i see

this could be just some kind of graffiti

prank that kids are no

no i never even have

them on the ground over miles

you don’t understand

these are like thousands of birds over

miles very same species over and over again

something happened

these birds in the air

and it was either they were poisoned or

they were hit by hail hails possibility some people saw

fireworks scared them and they

slammed into

things but that

doesn’t make

sense maybe dead birds is the next crop circle

we just don’t know yet but what i was saying is

look at all the different shit that’s

going down all

these birds

dying all these fish

dying all the

water leaking

under the oil leaking into the

ocean all the

floods that are

going on right now in australia i mean

it’s like the size of europe is

underwater in australia i mean it’s incredible

and now the ladies

thing is that scientists are saying that there’s

a possibility of some gigantic

super storm that

could hit los angeles

or it could hit

california and that

literally 25

of all the houses are

going to be

flooded in rooms and what is this

they don’t know

they’re trying to figure it out

but they’re saying because of all the hot weather that

well this is what it says

my guess is

that it will

never happen yeah

yeah it’s a good

guess but apparently it’s happened

us geological survey

they’ve studied

that the dates

214 440 you

know when they’ve done

core samples on the earth

uh one thousand

twenty nine

fourteen eighteen sixteen

o five was the last time it happened so it happens

every few hundred years

they have these you know i mean it

could be eight hundred years

they have these gigantic

super storms and what they’re talking

about the super

storms raining for forty days

dumping ten feet of

water and this is all possible

and they’re saying the

storm would be goaded on by an

atmospheric river

that would move

water at the same time rate as 50

mississippi’s discharging

water into the

gulf of mexico up into the

clouds and the

clouds would come into it just

would be just a massive amount of

water poured

in the ocean

let it go in inland

there was shit that we

couldn’t even wrap our head around they’re saying that

literally it

would be like

it would be like

the same category as a gigantic earthquake

i want a boat

you want a boat i don’t

think a boat will help you dude if you’re way up here

but dude a boat is

gonna the waters

gonna come over the top and

smash on top you and

crush your head

i don’t think a boats

gonna help oh that’s

gonna pour down

i don’t know i mean

we talked to i mean

obviously this

never happened in recorded

human history that we know of

you know that we don’t have any

representations of what it was like

but i think that

it’s i mean if they’re really telling you that it’s

gonna come in

forty days and dump ten feet of water

that’s insane

the rate of

fifty mississippi rivers


water into the

gulf of mexico pouring down the state

that’s incredible they’re talking

about a hundred

twenty five mile an hour winds

landslides think

about all those

green houses are all gone if that happens

all those laurel canyon

houses that are on

still 40 days of rain

yeah that’s a wrap bitches

and what they all

fell like a few years ago yeah a

bunch of them too much rain right

and then like

six houses fell down remember malibu

laurel canyon

dude mad multi

multi billion dollar

houses at million excuse me

like seven eight million dollar

houses in malibu just sinking

big chunks of the hill

broke off away from

their pipes were

sticking out


sparks and shit and then

i mean they had all this

video of these

things sliding down the hills like

dude you can’t make a

house on the side of a fucking hill like that that

ain’t cool i know you want a nice view but you’re being

ridiculous like you just totally

rolling the dice with

mother nature

how fucking awesome though

is this weather it was like 84

you’re in shorts

fucking love i got

twitter’s from people in calgary yesterday was thirty

below with the windshield factor

you just come back from chicago said

hadn’t see daylight in four days yeah

snowing and overcast

yeah it gets gray

and you got to take your jacket off here yeah

seasonal effective disorder that’s real shit

you know you’re not

happy when it’s gray all the time i don’t care what you

say about california

this weather is good the

most the best

thing about

california is the sun

yeah that’s why they have

those lights you even have

those nightstand

lights where it just gives you a

simulation of the sun

well dude that’s why

that’s why colorado is so fucking dope

colorado has sun

250 to 300 days a year

like they have very few overcast days

so even though it’s cold it’s

sunny sunny yeah that’s what

we need man

it’s not the coldest

so bad because

when it’s cold out yeah it sucks to drive

but you know what man you put some fucking

clothes on you put a warm coat on

you put some

gloves on and it’s like yes when it’s

sunny out it’s

cold it’s like whoa it’s cold out here but you’re

still smiling you can go out with your friends and go

you know snowboarding and shit and go fuck around

when it’s boston boston winters bro

they would just be like god when is it

gonna end it’s like you were being pissed on

it’s like you’ve been

held down and pissed

on and you just have to deal with it okay when are you

gonna let me up

still sucks dealing

with snow in general though i hate fucking snow i

wanna punch it

it smells bad

ice is worse i like

snow icy rain is the

worst you would yeah

the worst is when it’s like 31

degrees that’s

scary shit cause it rains then

it turns to ice yeah the next morning it rains on top

of the ice every

morning it gets icey again

it’s so bad when i was in high

school me and my buddy

my sister’s boyfriend sat on top of the garage

we just watched

these cars slam into each

other because our

whole street was

covered in ice

and we lived on a hill

so we just sat we

drank beer and we sat on the roof

and it was a show we were just

watching guys

slide down cop cars too

cop car came down we

called the cops

yeah yeah we’ll be

right there

they came and they came

dummies didn’t listen

came downhill

i tell em you better go uphill because if you do

if you go downhill you’re not

gonna be able to stop

yeah yeah yeah

fucking don’t tell me what

to do fucking queer

set the thing

up i was attacking each

other but no one’s ever

learning and

changing their behavior

well it’s still dumb they’re not

introspective at all i

talk shit on boston but

still one of the best

places to have fun

it’s one of the best

places to do shows

it’s a fucking it’s a

great town i just don’t

wanna live there anymore i

can’t deal with the winters but the people are fucking

phenomenal they’re fun

there’s like

a certain energy that they have there’s a certain

like a zest for life you know

when you when

you you have to fucking walk home in the cold

and you have

to deal with that kind of shit you deal with those

kind of weather

if you hate

having boners go there

yeah it’s not the best way to describe

it i imagine it as like the downstairs in titanic

for people dancing and having a

great old time it’s not

even a poverty

thing there’s a lot of rich people in boston

it’s just there’s a certain amount of no nonsense in a

place where it gets

zero degrees for a

month you know

it’s that wicked

but it’s different than like montreal

it’s like yeah why is no one from vermont

like assholes

well vermont is like

super hippie liberal

grateful dead bro

california ben and

jerry’s ice

cream some ice cream

it’s a beautiful

state to man god i used to do gigs in vermont

i would drive up to burlington

and just be driving and i

would just be trying to

think of how i

could live here

i’d be like 21 years old and i

would be in my car

going is there a way that i can figure out

how to live here because this is how i want to live man

i want to live

where there’s like a

river by my

house and there’s like

green grass and there’s woods

and it’s healthy

when i drive around la i was like alright this is

where i have to live

right i’m in my car i’m on this fucking

monstrous freeway that’s six

lanes on each side and

every one of them

is jam solid

no one can move

i don’t wanna live like that yeah you

wanna take a dirt road and pass somebody on the left

i wanna be i want

peace man i

just want two bathrooms i’m

tired of having my

parents trying to send me to a

special camp in

vermont what’s

a camp yeah

for retards yeah for

learning disabilities what was

wrong with you

learning disabilities what kind of

learning disabilities


son of a middle

class family but it’s not really really

you don’t have a

learning disability you were probably just bored huh

yeah they say that but that’s why they

would learn to

what was it a

psychological block

probably something like that

where it wouldn’t let you get

into what you’re doing and it’s so hard when you have a

troubled childhood to be good at

school because

i had a troubled

childhood and

you just don’t want to concentrate on what they’re

teaching you you’re just trying to figure out the whole

world around you

navigate through it

cool with people

on yeah just trying to figure out how to not

get picked on and how to fucking get home without you

know having to

fear for your life like

which kids do i have to

avoid where do i have to go and

all that shit

they’re very

difficult to concentrate on us history like how is this

this shit ain’t affecting me you know

yeah i just like

watching tv i was kind of

lucky as i hung out with the

asian kid and then i thought you knew karate

so really unless you’re

like hiding and you try

to fuck his

sister how many

bullies no wasn’t

sister just the

asian girl there was an

asian girl that wasn’t related

yeah they weren’t two different

families two different families did they try to hook up

no i think they hated each

other cause i

think one was japanese and one

with korean

oh yeah koreans and japanese

hate the japanese

because of all the rapes yeah

dude the rape and nam

king there’s a

crazy documentary that i

watched is very disturbing some of the

shit that the japanese did to the chinese

yeah like genocidal


gave him cardi d

all cut holes and

babies and fuck them oh

yeah like really dark dark

dark shit i just had this didn’t respect them

as people no they

killed them in

systematically and tortured them and did all kinds of

crazy shit man

it’s a really really disturbing documentary

was the document of this i have it if you want to

watch it you can watch it

it wasn’t released like i had to buy it from

some library somewhere i actually had to

rent it and then not

bring it back

i would do one of

those things yeah

just pay the fine

i couldn’t get it i couldn’t get it anywhere else

and it’s really creepy and there’s a

bunch of shit on it online if you could read

about it i don’t know the it’s like

this is all

like my friend rupert who was a director of fear factor

he turned me onto this many many years ago

and i got into it back then

and it was so disturbing that i forgot a lot of the


so i’m not gonna

you know i can’t

quote it but if you’re into genocide and

into reading up

about how fucking

cruel people can be you’re into genocide

dude i mean a lot of people are into finding out how

low you can go

turn on so like giannissa

long walk to the park

they were talking

about this a few weeks ago somebody found

in his lawn

in his yard sale

they found a

human skin lamp

from the holocaust

did you get

it sold for 30

bucks this writer

bought it and then took it to his friend paid

thousand dollars got tested like it is

human skin did

he eat it shit

it was so old they couldn’t tell what race to come from

wow that’s from holocaust yeah holy

humans like this had been someone’s skin

and now it’s adorning

a lamp it’s

crazy to stretch it out

not that long ago no

there are people still

alive yeah a lot of them

a lot of people you know there was i

watched a documentary

on the moon

landings once and there was this guy who was

a concentration camp survivor and he had his

tattoos and he was talking

about werner von braun

the werner von braun

ran a rocket factory in brazil

or excuse me in berlin

what a lot of

people don’t realize that the guy is the head of nasa

werner von braun

was a serious nazi

i said fuck it if that guy was

alive today

he would be the

simon wiesenthal

centers that they

would prosecute him for

crimes against humanity

he used to hang the five slowest jews in

front of his factory in berlin

anytime you know

people are slow hang them

hang them in

front everybody else

so everybody

would walk through

and see what the fuck was going on

look look these are

these guys used to work with now they’re hanging in

front of the fucking

doors go to work

yeah in this

dark dark dark shit and this guy with his

tattoo from the holocaust was talking

about how he

remembers very

clearly seeing wernher von braun they

would come in with suits and they’d all be working

and they would

come in and inspect the work and walk around people

he’d fucking hang people hang them

right in front of people

you know and this was there’s a

thing about

operation paperclip

they were all brought over here all the nazi

scientists yeah that’s what it’s called

they were all brought over here to run nasa the united

states had like

dog shit for a rocket program

before warner von braun came over

he was a super

genius you know

i feel like it’s easy to

like dehumanize that moment when you see like oh used

to hang people but if you imagine it from the person’s

point of view

like you’re just

taking a wrench or something and someone grabs you

and you’re just

screaming to like please don’t don’t and they just

put it around your neck

all right and

how many people

do we know that are just lazy as fuck and would

slack off and

not be good

workers yeah me too

no you know

until someone died and then

i was like alright i need to get through this and then

you have children

and your children are being held captive

too your whole family is being held captive

it’s really really

scary to think

that was not that long not

that long ago and that

while this is going on

it was so much more important for us to win the

space race they were like yeah warner von braun mr nazi

come on over here get on over here buddy

don’t worry

about all that

other shit you

did over there whatever whatever whatever

that’s fucked

race erased

no one’s gonna know

they’re not gonna know

you’re wearing a von braun

from nasa don’t

sweat it buddy

we’re all good now it’s all groovy

i think your

friend does something really douchey and you’re like

just don’t bring it up let’s just go

let’s just leave

this fucking

guy though man this documentary was so intense when he

would show his tattoo

and he would talk

about seeing warner von braun and talk

about how they

would hang people in the

front of the factory

this shit is

never leaving that guy’s brain

that guy was a

slave for a while

now he was living in miami and

relaxing his entire

retirement years away

but there was a

point in that guy’s life

where he lived in

utter terror

surrounded by

monsters like a goddamn star wars episode

the stormtroopers

would come in

and they would just you

know got out of

that after that

a lot of people he knew were dead

that’s some

scary shit to

think that people are willing to go that and go that

relatively easily you know

it’s not like you know that’s hard to get

people to do it’s happened many times i mean it is hard

but it’s happened many many times throughout history

pol pot with you know

so many different cases of genocide the

stalin i mean all

these different examples all around the world

liberia yeah

so many all around the world

i mean look what’s

going on in iraq

i mean if you talk

about the numbers in iraq

supposedly according to many credible sources a million

civilians have died

since 2002 or 2003 whenever we invaded

a million a million a million

wrap your brain around that

you know wrap your

brain around that that’s some crazy shit

do you remember that old footage of the

the guys on tanks and they were listening to

death metal

and they were fucking

they were shooting they showed like what

it’s like to be over there in iraq remember that you

see exes new yeah eliminate them

yeah these guys they were

listening to

music they were listening to like

crazy like metal

music while they were

shooting people

in iraq and i remember it was it was a video and

you know they were interviewing

these guys and what’s it like it

was you know they’re smoking

cigarettes and they’re really

young and it’s like so surreal to them

that it doesn’t even seem real

apparently this is all

the wikileaks put that out too

oh yeah that was the

first one yeah

i didn’t know that man yeah

i did not know that was the

first thing when they got some friendly fire situation

no no you’re talking

about it’s called collateral murder that’s a

video that they released that was the

start of all the

speech leaks

this shit was way before that a few

years before that

yeah they’ve

been involved for a long time release and shit

i didn’t know

that they had been around as long as they had

been around that assange dude is so fucking interesting

fascinating but seems so douchey

like did you read his online dating profile

no oh my god he’s

just so douchey

just like it comes through the

screen and gets your fingers greasy really

yeah like you know what he’s talking

about like you know

does he want to meet people

for friendship for you know whatever and it’s like

it’s just like

it’s first of all

literally it is impossible

to make an online

dating profile and not come off douchey

it’s not possible

it is not possible you have to talk

yourself up

right you have to talk yourself up

and you have to lie

about what you’re looking for what

are you looking for i’m looking for some really easy

pussy from a hot girl who’s not

gonna ask too many questions

it’s not gonna get crazy and

you’re never

gonna be mad at me because

i don’t want to be with you anymore can i get that no

no and so everybody’s got this whole

thing i’m looking for romance i mean even if you’re not

you know so it’s impossible

to you know

i’m outgoing but i you know

i’m friendly to a

fault and look

for the real me you’ll be pleasantly surprised

you’d like what you’d find

you should make a profile and just

overdue overdoing

almost like brodie stevens it where it

becomes a comedy set sketch

i have a couple out there somewhere

do you have dating problem they’re probably hilarious

yeah after well

after the fiance

the seven year relationship

ended i went through a like i have been single in

eight years or so

seven years i have no idea what to do so

i got into that

online thing

cause it was before facebook and myspace

you know right really so it’s just

making a myspace profile pretty much well the crazy

thing what you did is you won

lost like fucking 70

pounds or something

what did you lose how much did you lose i got

70 pounds 70 pounds

i remember when you got

super giant like

smurf like you got

giant dude you

couldn’t walk straight your legs

would rub in the middle

you’d have to ralphie

mayett you’d have to circle your legs on the outside

and then bring them back in the

front first

impression yeah

not a good impression

he’s got the

worst impressions of anyone

i’ve ever heard of

yeah it’s not a good impression

to me but at

least i don’t

do it it’s amazing it’s amazing how awesome

they are gizmo from gremlins singing

that’s pretty good that’s old school geek

i’m not doing it

that was a great movie man

you know what i loved it i loved it when they got wet

turned into

monsters and shit is that what happened they got

wet it turned into my

balls balls started

to come out yeah

and then they become evil

like it’s so

crazy like they’re so cute when they’re little tiny

things and then turned into key for

so is that what it is you get them wet yeah

or feed them after midnight i’ll feed them

after midnight that was all a metaphor for

treating women

yeah you can’t get them alcohol

after midnight because it’ll become

crazy animals they become

horse pregnant bitches

and you can’t

deal with them bitches man bitches it ain’t

about that brian man don’t become a

woman hater okay just cause

that’s from a

movie that’s from like say anything or

something oh

really gay that i know that

you um are you worried

about becoming a

woman hater

me yeah no absolutely

absolutely no

worries fuck no

chicks don’t have to

worry sweet

brian will never go away no i’m a

crazy hater you’re

crazy hater is that what it is you take

crazy yeah i just need to start

changing my

go to yoga classes bro and meet some

centered girls

would lose sweatpants you know i’m talking

about yeah yeah i know

you’re rolling

downward facing dog all up in this

bitch yeah i

heard that’s the best

place though to actually hit

hit on women

were singing girls buttholes all day

you see how flexible and

sexy their bodies and

help finger yeah

that see if

they fart when they get

stuck in weird positions

that’s saddle

ranch when they have the someone riding the bull

on super slow

some hot girl

super slow writing it was

like oh my god all the guys are looking for

try not to look like they are looking yeah

it’s just hot yeah there’s a there’s a

some strange

connection between

just imagine

there it’s you

under them riding bull

i saw tit go out

the other day that’s

always waiting for that and a bull riding yeah it was

black chick how

black chicks

tit nice black

chicks on a

bull run this just letting you know i need some

white dick panto

let’s get it on

brian have you considered

maybe trying some

black chicks out since these white chicks

yeah we’ve talked

about this i have a certain

yeah i’m totally go for it

yeah i would go for it but it has to be a certain kind

a certain kind of black check

not a big one not the one that like

if you just like squint your eyes and imagine them with

short hair that they’re a guy

oh by the way have you seen pictures of little kim

yeah oh my god google

little kim photos

show it to ari what

she did crazy

plastic surgery and she became like she looks like a

vietnamese woman

look a little kim

is dude it’s really hard to look at

she really really fucked up

like really bad

it’s almost like steven

tyler yeah that’s

he looks like a baboon man

is look go back

up to that yeah look at that he looks like a baboon

his whole bottom of his lip

thing is all

jutting out

i bet he could suck a mean cock oh

you know it

those big fat lips

yeah oh that’s a football player i think

isn’t it weird how the doctors come out in

scrubs as if they just came from the hospital

that guy why don’t you just google the actual image

it’s on the second page

it’s really

crazy you gotta see it

they don’t just have it

can’t you just google images what are you doing you’re

scrolling like my mom

this is how my mom and

i i’ll find it find it

you’re always in a

hurry why are you always in a hurry

my mother became jewish

yeah what’s the

chick’s name

again it’s the most

annoying impression you

could do of a mother

why not little kim little kim

lil little kim

photos plastic surgery what the fuck

type all that in area

bam look at her on the right

see it’s kind of

crazy it kind of looks like it

might be makeup

she looks like

a jackson no no no

no no bro that’s that’s true

they’re coming over

she has the cat eye

not just the eye look at her nose man oh yeah

do they have

other ones they have before and after

she looks a little like janet jackson there’s a way

worse bro i

think way worse

janet jackson

well i haven’t seen janet jackson recently but for

the longest time

she kept it together yeah

see before and after yeah

that one on the top was it that’s her

look at that

dude she’s hot there

her eyes are already a little

asian huh not like that not

like that whoa look at the difference that is

monstrous that is terrifying

the nose kind of looks the same what is it

about people man where they

they just start fucking

changing their face they like

well i can totally relate to that like

having done

not with tattoos but with having done

hair transplants because

doing hair transplants like

i was losing my hair and i was like well

how do i stop this man is there a way to stop i don’t

wanna wear a fucking wig and i

wanna be bald like how do i stop this

so then a friend of mine had gotten hair

transplants and he had

me convinced he was like dude just get hair transplant

they take it from the back they put it in the

front like you do it as you’re losing

your hair and you can keep your hair like oh okay cool

and so i did it and

right after i did it i felt like

oh now you have this

stupid scar

in the back of your head didn’t they tell you

about the scar like that

i knew about the

stupid scar but i didn’t think

about it you didn’t

think about

ads in the back of the head who’s

gonna notice

you know you

think everything’s

gonna turn out normal and be fine and then

i wanted to do another

one to correct it so i did another one and it looked

still looked like shit

now the scar on the back of my head is bigger

after a while you know

it’s like you can get roped into like i know a guy who

he passed away a few years ago

but he was obsessed with plastic surgery

and he was a nice guy and he was in show business and

he had done a

bunch of different

things to the

point where his face looked weird and

he had peck

implants and he had a

bunch of hair


you just start

you start fucking

with your appearance like that and it becomes like a

becomes like a

pathology doing it

yeah you like you get sick like there

you have issues like all the

people do the same

thing yeah yeah

two three four

well i should say

that i mean both my arms are

sleeved yeah but i’m stopping

i mean i don’t have a problem

i just felt

like when i did the one i felt like

i was unbalanced and then i really had an idea for the

second one that

i wanted to do and i’m like i don’t mind having two

sleeves with

tattoos it’s not

like i’m getting them on my fucking face or anything

crazy which

speaking of

there’s something like there’s a line

where you’re not supposed to

tattoo yeah

and your face is that line

above above

above the gucci

mane have you seen

gucci mane no who’s that

have you seen it you

haven’t seen

gucci mane okay

which one is it

gucci you type up

gucci mane face tattoo

get ready for this

gucci mane is a rapper

okay and he got a face

tattoo and his face

tattoo is an ice

cream cone oh i saw that i saw that

it says three

scoops of ice

cream on it and it says brr

that’s it on top top left

top left top

top that’s on top there you go

yeah that’s the image

click on that

folks online

you have to see this if you

haven’t already

most of the internet already has seen it

but it’s like it’s

clear madness i mean

he gets released from a mental institution

and then he has an ice

cream cone tattooed on his face this guy

is he trying to

get out of war

yeah it’s like

clinger right

yeah that beats my

horrible i’ll just keep saying i’m a crossdresser

until they let me out

yeah it meanwhile i can’t smash goes on forever yeah

check brian’s

tattoo on her fall

brian’s tattoo

he got it from a guy who was

learning how to tattoo so tattoo

you went to

tattoo school

no this chick

that worked for me when i was a manager at

movie theater she’s like i want to be a

tattoo artist my boyfriend

owns a tattoo

studio he’s been trying to teach me on cantaloupes

would you like to be my first person it will be free

i was like sure why

not cantaloupes you

know you’re supposed to practice on pig ears and shit

yeah that’s

really on pigskin

is similar to human skin

but it’s an art form man like

you know my boy

aaron dellavedova my

buddy from guru

tattoo who does my stuff

he totally offered to fix it

guess what it’s kind of

funny story now

the other day i was just laying in bed

and i worked on this

movie called a better way to die a long time ago

and my job was to do

like all right

you need to make this

tag this whole area like all

these cars all

these walls you need to make it look like a graffiti

like it’s a gang ridden

alley in chicago

that you used to do

yeah that design yeah i was

brian you’ve

lived a million lives

what the fuck

all of a sudden you become so interesting

if i was a chick i’d be so into you

right now so fast

so so he’s done so many

things like

three days after i got this

tattoo and i’m like dude i’m just

gonna put my fucking tattoo

everywhere so i just sprayed my

tattoo on the walls on the cars and then i put

nine inch nails in a couple

places but then

i did all these like my

tattoos and so the

other day i’m just sitting there

watching and then it was like

i’m like oh this is the

movie i worked on i was like

wow there’s my

waterfall tattoo

everywhere i find it

i did it yeah

i just changed that

scene into like the faggiest gang scene

everywhere by the way

explain to people what

waterfall tattoo

means cause they don’t well i

went and got this free

tattoo or whatever

and i looked in the book and the couple

things i liked were

egyptian turtles

and i saw i was like

into asian girls

at that time or whatever so i got an r in chinese

and they put it together

and i said i also like spider man so they mixed the

three up and it’s like

spider man logo

with a chinese letter

in the middle

hey um you know that i have

a new higher primate

t shirts coming out yeah yeah for

folks who don’t know

you go to higher primate higher

dash primate com that’s my

clothing line i

actually have a

clothing line now called higher primate

and it’s real low key

i’m just kind of

trying to figure it out before i

go commercial with it yeah it’s all just

t shirts i’m

gonna have fanny packs too

stay strong faggy packs stay

strong bitches

faggy packs

coming back son i

traveled a friend

and our fears have seen it

brian seen it

i’m not fucking around with this fanny pack

would be cool if you renamed it you

should design

baggy packs that’s not

bad that’s a good idea

right why not

right right it’s not

faggot it’s

not faggot faggie

gay enough though

yeah faggy pack fanny

what’s so cool

the point is my

point is with

these new t

shirts we could

i wanna make

that red band logo

with the explosion

the suicide

kitty suicide

kitty yeah let’s turn that into a

shirt i gotta do that

we’ll sell it you know

we could just i’ll have

these guys make it for you you already have the thing

so we have the company to make sure it’s now and

we’ll sell it on you know

you know what we just said on redband com

cool because i know a lot of people on the

board asked

about it i would wear that shit

yeah i like it it’s kind of an inside

thing like no one

would even know what the fuck that means

you know it’s so

funny is that

those other podcasts i did the desk

squad podcast

right this guy

just put them on the

radio and they

they kind of like make a logo

thing like welcome to

you know stitcher

i was like dude

they know that that’s like a hitler cat

hitler that

was covered with explosives and a suicide bomb

on his hand

for people don’t know like what is this death

squad thing

this all happened

when we were on opie and anthony this is like fucking

many years ago

i came on opie and anthony

and i brought with me

eddie bravo

tate fletcher and this was like

right after

tate had done the ultimate

fighter and tate was

traveled on the road with us and

brian you came on to

right and who else was already

did you got you came

on another time

you came on a different time yeah

you came on the time we

roasted jamie

jamie masada

and the baby bird

the baby bird

and baby bird that was another time

another man’s

mouth so we’ve done many many times anyway we

would come in

and you know

tate is such an imposing figure

tate is this gigantic

fucking hunk of a man

and we’d walk in the room with you know everybody knows

eddie bravos is jiu

jitsu master he just choked out horler gracie and then

you know it’s like so opie goes

looking at joe rogans with the

death squad

and then it became weeks

you know just thought it was so

silly you know

death squad we

started calling ourselves

death squad

yeah actually

it’s kind of

interesting back in the day when podcasts were

first made i

started making little

short joe show

videos then called them

death squad

and they were only available on itunes as a podcast a

video podcast i

had 12 of them or something like that

yeah those fucking old

videos dude some of

those were brilliant

i went back and

watched a couple of

those old death

squads that you did

some of those were fucking

funny as shit

and some of the moments we captured were so

ridiculous diaz

getting mad at you for that how

about ari shafir

becoming a lawyer

okay there was a guy who was

completely insane

and he said he was the holy spirit

and he needed help and

somehow or not

he wanted me to help him and then

ari got involved

yeah you call

you guys this is

a call i get at home i was i didn’t

have a spot it’s like 12 30 or something the store

so you’ve been having this

whole argument i had no idea you just call me like

hey listen i need you to be my lawyer i’m like what

what do you mean you’re my lawyer

he’s like somebody’s

gonna call you and you

gotta be my lawyer i’m like what

should i say i’m like hey i’ve got another call

you’re my lawyer goodbye

ari is one of

those dudes

who you know if you got a friend who is a

stand up comedian but he has got a wife

and he’s got kids and he’s got a day job he’s got a lot

i can’t count on that

motherfucker he’s not always down for the fun

but i could call ari shafir at

three o’clock in the morning ari i need you to

represent me as my lawyer are you comfortable with this

uh okay the

background dj okay yeah

i’m pretty high

right now but

so anyway go

ahead this guy called me so he

could take down the footage

of you you said you have to call my lawyer to take down

this footage

it’s very important

if you want to take down the footage

you’re gonna have to call

my lawyer cause this

crazy guy he was

completely nuts and in retrospect

he thought he was

the holy spirit yeah i thought he was the holy spirit

i forget a lot of

other shit that he said

he was trying to sue john edwards

not john edwards

a politician

psychic for being a

false prophet

and i remember

going like why

should we sue him

like why would you sue him he’s like this is

false prophet

i got it but why you

yeah he had a lot of interesting

things to say yeah

great back massage too

i got him to give me

power of attorney over all his affairs

verbally recorded

it i don’t know what i do i give you the recording

yeah i did it and then um

he disappeared for a

while then he came back

right yeah sued me

how long ago did he

get to go to

court i got a

court he sued me

i forgot about that

he sued me for millions of 18 million

are you serious

yeah were you

nervous at all were

you even a little bit well

first cause i

wrote this guy on for like

six months to a year

just kept until he got too

annoying right

now i’m bored

yeah he sued me for

being a bad

attorney i’m like i represented your pro bono

how many people out there

right now who are looking to get mad at something like

that’s real good you fucking dick

take somebody with mental illness and make fun of them

it’s really

funny fucking

piece of shit

hope you drown in a

river of aids yeah

that’s like obviously it’s not a nice

thing to do but it was fun anyway

the guy was

annoying yeah he was

annoying from the get go

which is why we did this in the

first place we couldn’t get rid of them

yeah it’s amazing

how bad is it if you actually eat toothpaste

terrible for you

flora is awful yeah

i mean it’s not

gonna kill you because like the real

toxic levels of florida

i bet if you

ate a whole tube of

toothpaste you

could probably get really sucked up it says

if you even

like one drop

yeah you’re not supposed to go to the emergency room

no on the toothpaste

or something like that they

might say that just to

cover their ass yeah

i was gonna say

cause i used to

that was my go to

thing you know keep a tube of

toothpaste in my car you know and just like eat it

and i never

thought that would

be something bad don’t do that man well that was like

when i was 16

about fluoride in the drinking

water and everybody

claims to know exactly

by the way that

sound you’re hearing is the

sound of the volcano it

never claims to know but

where are the people dying

where is it happening

the interesting part

about it is that that is all supposedly

if you go online and read the websites communist

it’s all based on

nazi shit the idea of

keeping the people passive

and keeping people in their

place and making

sure they’re docile and easy to control

and that was the idea of putting fluoride in the

water supply

i highly doubt that’s why it helps your teeth

right yeah i

think it’s probably i don’t know if it does help your

teeth i don’t really know because there’s a lot of

things that

say this no that’s not the case what helps your

teeth is fucking

cleaning them you fucking pigs

know that’s what’s both

good for your

teeth i use tom’s of maine

toothpaste and it

doesn’t have fluoride in it yeah shit

certain types of

sweet variant

doesn’t taste that good

it tastes like you’re eating

chalk do you

like the shit i use when i lift weights and i put

chalk on my hands yeah but

do you think that

maybe that toothpaste is

missing something that you

no because i don’t

do cavities

i haven’t had cavities in a long

time oh really i’m pretty good at

brushing my teeth

and last time i went to the

first of all i went like years without any

teeth cleaning

and then i went

to the dentist and i didn’t have any cavities i

was really surprised

gotta do it

dude if you fuck up like yeah learn

learn from my

i eat so many

gummy bears

don’t you have

cavities and you go to

sleep right you just crash with

gummy bears

that’s not good

oh my goodness and you got to

clean your teeth because your gums will recede too

which which did happen to me there was an area

where i had a cap

and if you get a really

clean around

those things because it’s not like natural

you know you can get like a lot of plaque and then my

gum was receding a little bit so then i had to get it

do they take

gum from the back and put it no

it wasn’t like that

it does they do

do that though

it’s really bad

is there this

great bit about a hair transplant

now because get them now

not 25 years ago

when they were terrible

now is when you get the procedure even now don’t get it

take it from me

folks this is the way i describe it

this is how

stupid the idea of hair

transplants are you’re taking it’s like

taking people

who are really healthy

and moving them to a neighborhood

where everyone’s dying

cause that’s what it’s like

cause the hair that you have up on the top of your head

after you transplant hairs

the other hair is

gonna fall out too

so even though it looks okay at

first like when i was on newsradios when i

first got it done my hair looked fucking

sporty i just

started rogain

last night did you yeah

fuck it rogan propitia

that’s what told me to

do you know

i was thinking

about doing it i don’t really need it too bad

because i’ve always had a

definitive do

it now but the problem is if you look at rogaine

it only does the middle

no rogan does the back corner the reason

no no no no it does

everything it was a

study that they did and the

study they did was on the

vertex of the

scalp and the idea was that

can’t prove

they would have to go and

spend millions and millions of dollars on a

study to show

the reason why it works on this

the reason why it works at all is it increases

circulation to the area so it makes your hair grow

it will work

everywhere in your

scalp it doesn’t just work in the back of your head yes

especially propetia and rogaine same thing

but most people have bald spots

in the back of the head and they had to concentrate

on one area of the head because they needed a patch

that they would

prove that it worked there

so they proved that it worked on the back of your head

so they just went with it proven to grow hair

good enough they don’t have to

show you that it works so it

says it’s not proven to grow in the

front but it’s not just

done either but it does but it does

no it does but

the way it works manoxidal

monoxidil when they

first made it was a high

blood pressure

medication see i

swear to god even like on amazon or on

their own advertising it says this is the area that

works exactly they

have to because that was the

study scientifically proven to work

oh yeah see they made the study

right i see

a particular area that’s kind of

weird that they have to do that though and

they couldn’t say and it

might work on the

other side yeah

no they don’t want to do that they want

you can’t say anything by that goes this is

we don’t look good here sucking out of plastic bags

sucking mist out of bags you know

this does not look like something a healthy person

would do do you

think it’s yeah i

gotta go soon

okay well let’s end this

fucking crazy thing they

put a couple of shows yeah vegas

yeah february 4th yeah we’re doing a

bunch of shows together are

shafir is coming to for the next one is actually

west palm beach

we’re doing the improv in west palm

beach the twenty eighth

twenty ninth and thirtieth

west palm beach florida so will be

the young and talented mr

ari shafir and me

and that is a

dope fucking club it’s gigantic it’s like six hundred

and fifty fifty

seats it’s awesome

so that’s uh

yeah the 28 29th

and 30th and then we’re also doing february 4th at the

mandalay bay theater the big spot is the new one how

many seats is it

it’s like 2

000 i think this

can be the biggest

show i’ve ever done yeah it’s a pretty

good well i

think in canada we did some bigger than that

that one where everybody is behind us

oh yeah that was giant

that was that was a few thousand

that was nuts

that was calgary

calgary was

crazy we did a

bunch of shows up you missed

toronto toronto was

the shit i’m trying to do my special in toronto

but i’m having a hard time getting a

venue because

it’s in april

and a lot of

these things are booked in advance

if i get a venue a good

venue i’m gonna do the special in

april in toronto in toronto

i recorded myself at

a couple different

places and i’ve got an hour and 15 minutes of new shit

so that’s enough

where i can whittle it down to what i want

for like a 44

minute time

what are you playing

music for brian we told you you can’t play

music unless

i made this song did you make a song yeah

you’re so multi

talented wait a minute

you make newsletters

and you’re a

stalker and

you bang hot chicks

and you do set design and i hear you doing

stand up comedy

when are you performing again

tonight i’m going to

sal’s and then big fish in glendale

and i’m hosting

sal’s comedy club

unless i’m going with you to florida

on the 30th

yeah that’s that’s

gonna be the shit do you want to come to florida

it’s up to you do

do you wanna

i would love to go to florida what are you talking

like florida

i love florida

i will hook it up um

so february

third is my next

storyteller show yeah

where are these


shows that people can’t see in san francisco but you

might be able to

hang out in the front

at the purple onion that are sold out i’m so glad

about are gone that’s one is called

thicker than

water and when is this all

about families this weekend this friday and saturday

nice yeah and then the next one is

brain on drugs just all drug stories

nice these are

both way to

turn it nice damn

these sound good dude

these sound really good

if people don’t know

ari’s been doing this

thing you’ve been doing it for

about a year now

yeah it’s really cool and what it is is

he does like

a stand up show

but it’s not they don’t talk

about they don’t do like

set up punch line set up

punch line it’s mostly like really

funny stories yeah

cause a lot

sort of like you know like podcast stories

a lot of the funnier podcast stories you know and

adam corolla

show or any of the

other ones it’s like

they’re not like a setup

punch line it can’t like

do them in front of a comedy audience

where they expect a certain like rhythm

but it can be slower it’s more like

annie hall as a comedy

where it’s like it was good

right not as

huge laughs well there’s

more involved you know

you go to see a comedy

movie right if you go to see a comedy movie

it’s not like always

funny always

funny like they have to set up a lot of what’s

funny and there’s

a lot of spots

where you’re not

laughing for 10 15 minutes

but on stage it’s got to be set up

punch line set up

punch line set up

punch line but

what you’re doing is

like you’re making these guys

you’re giving them like a new

venue yeah like

joey’s were fucking

spectacular man your

story of when you went to

strip club in alabama with what’s his name mark coleman

yeah that’s like a perfect like

crazy story yeah you know

that’s a yeah

yeah there’s

exactly i tried to do that one

with comedy like do it on

stage but i had to

punch it up too much

i had to add a

bunch of shit to it and like

short on two

things into one

yeah i had to combine two different scenarios for

crushers tells the best

story of all time the

tracy morgan

story he’s supposed to come on tomorrow i

gotta he lands

today though i got a call make

him do that one

yeah so fucking good yeah

tracy morgan’s

the heart of a million

great stories

it’s good to know there’s dudes like that out there man

when i see a guy like joe diaz or a guy like

tracy morgan

i just want to just

shake their hand and say

thank you thank you

for being you

thank you for rocking it man

just going out there and realizing man ain’t

no nobody knows how the fuck this

thing works

just go crazy

you know having a guy like joe diaz in your life

do will do you wonders

you know i think he’s comedians

for real he’s like

having him around you it like makes you funnier

i really believe you

gotta relax like will you kidnap

someone all right

yeah not only that

he’s so i don’t give a fuck that he makes

things more

silly and more fun

it’s more fun

i always tell joey

whenever every special i’ve done

this is one of the

things that

one of the reasons why i’ve thought

about not doing it in toronto

the number one reason is i can’t get joey up there

can’t get up there with aggravated kidnapping back

to columbus that

place was the bomb it was the bomb

but what i’m trying to do is

yeah i’m trying

to do somewhere that i

haven’t done

and i really love toronto and

my last show in toronto sold out like

months in advance it was crazy

like i got so much love

in toronto and if the show was so much fun i was like

this would be a great

place to do my shit and it’s not like i’ve done it a

bunch of times

where they’ve seen my material over and over

again it’s over

saturated and

you know pretty much

everything i mean

everything i’m doing in my sets

these days is all shit that wasn’t on my old

stuff so all that

stuff has been phased

out and it’s all straight new stuff so

most people that i’m running into on the road

unless they get

on youtube all the time they don’t know the material so

to me toronto was like the perfect spot

you know it’s like

they’re cool they’re

smart or enthusiastic it’s a fun city

but i don’t know if i

could do it

i’m gonna have to find out we

still haven’t figured out to get the venue

you know and then you know there’s also i can’t

bring joey oh yeah so i wonder if you can get him

maybe maybe not

he ain’t getting up there

he told me he was

gonna do we had some gigs in montreal he goes joe rogan

what’s what i’m

gonna do i’m

gonna fly in a buffalo

and from buffalo

my friend mikey stagioni

he’s gonna fucking

drive me up there

he’s gonna drop off some heroin

halfway on the way

it’s a drop by the bridge it’s perfect

for real time

yeah what he

would always have some fucking

crazy plan he had some

crazy plan to

sneak in to do gigs wow

yeah he wasn’t

fucking around either he was dead serious

and he would do it

those crazy

stories are

really they’re all fucking happening

yeah they’re all real they’re all real

when you’ve hung around with joey as long as we have

and still joey to this day

still completely unpredictable

like he was supposed to do

brian show last

sunday at sal’s and

gone vanished

he just disappears what

what he was

watching the mechanic

earlier the old one charles

bronson yeah

thanks for that

man charles

bronson he’s upset

with the new ones coming out

this fucking

jason dayton

what the fuck is his name get the fuck out of here

you ain’t charles bronson

cocksucker he’s like

angry fuck you that took

apart man and who is the dude that played

charles bronson’s protege

i know the real one he was the

famous guy that became

a really nutty

he became like the biggest

drunk in hollywood

he was like

super handsome and

young and devastating no no no

he’s on celebrity rehab

right now and he’s a source of

awesome entertainment if you

haven’t been

watching your work

i don’t remember the guy’s name it’s like a

three word name

hormone the mechanic

yeah that dog

bronson that’s

the new one is coming out real soon

yeah it’s just coming out

jan michael vince and

he was like this you know this fucking studly looking

all american

super handsome actor

movie star character and he

he went and lost his fucking marbles

and became a huge drunk just

right there yeah

yeah they’ve done

these interviews with

him now and he’s just a stuttering fucking retard wow

i love that

isn’t it weird man of it

how many people

when you you know when you run into people like at the

store or something

like that that have hit the rocks dude kravitz

has gone completely down it’s like he’s burned out

what happened

he’s just like it’s

like the drugs whatever it just something was in his

brain is fucked up

he just he can’t talk like a normal

human being he just fills you with sadness

being around him he’s just like

he can’t carry a normal conversation he

starts midway through a conversation

you can’t leave

he wasn’t always like that no i remember like

seven eight years ago he was a normal guy normal

little beaten down but

still a little

beaten down but we had some fun conversations with him

still friendly and nice now it’s like

so what happened

i think the

stuff caught up

drugs yeah whatever he was doing that’s my guess is

it done eventually cut up i don’t

think he does it anymore but i

think it eventually

i don’t know that many people that have totally cooked

their brain with drugs

huh do you know

how many people do you know that have cooked

their brain with drugs

do you know

anybody yeah i know i know a couple be like i know

right now really

that yeah so how many people

would you guess you know that like

absolutely like

start that’s what i

would get that they looked

they looked like you had done that

at least one and two and probably

i don’t know

there’s probably another one but i know two of that can

think of right now did i tell you the

brian callan story

about the girl used to date listen to this shit

burn out there was a girl that

brian callan

dated and she was

crazy the moment i met her

i go dude i

go listen to me i know you don’t like to believe this

i can smell

crazy people okay

i go and this bitch

stinks this

bitch is nuts like all i did is meet her

like it’s ridiculous assumption on my part

to be able to take this chance

but all my spidey

senses were

like whoa what’s

going on here

all she did is say i said

hi my name is joe nice to meet you and

she said hi and she

shook my hand

and he goes no no no people get nervous

when they’re around you they’ve seen you in fear factor

well that is not nervousness

i go this is a

crazy person i’m telling you bro you’re dating a

crazy girl it turned out the

whole time he

was dating her he had no idea she was a meth addict

like a severe meth addict and

she also had

like some boyfriend who was like an ex boyfriend who

stole the picture

that while she was living at brian’s

place she was like hooking up with this guy to get meth

like craziness so anyway

brian gets rid of her long drawn out

tries to save

her can’t do it i mean just devastating shit

he would always get himself hooked up with

these really

crazy bitches

when i met him when he was really

young he was trying to

fix himself through fixing

other people

it was very strange

he got over it

but the point is years later

he’s walking by remember that bar that

stan hope used to go to the cat in the fiddle

you know that’s like a stripper

a hooker walk

that’s where we are

right there

that’s what’s his face

the english guy got busted

what is his name hugh grant hugh

grant got busted down there i was there yeah he talked

about hooker

there yeah yeah

it’s grody it’s totally grody by the

way that’s my two year olds favorite word grody grody

grody anyway

so he’s walking to the cat in the fiddle

and as he’s walking there he sees a hooker come his way

and he stops and he realizes it’s his ex

girlfriend oh

and she’s got scabs on her face shit

they go get tested

no this is years later

and he looks at it goes

hey how you doing and she goes

you can guess

that was my life and accepted it all they said

wow that’s all they said to each

other and he went into

the bar and he was just like what the fuck that girl

lived with him and

she lived with him she

was dating him and now here she is with scabs anyway

folks we’ll be at

mandalay bay

mandalay bay theaters

february 4th

where we at

i’m gonna be at the ontario improv

tomorrow night it

might be sold out it’s

cory and chad’s show

and february

third in the

storyteller show

third in the pink purple onion and fourth no february

third here in la

oh it’s another one february

third yeah with jeff garland and oh

powerful is that

the improv laugh

imperve regular room they move the regular rooms

too big for that little

fucking tiny ass

but i’m doing my best to keep

the shows at five dollars

like i’m still trying like

are they trying to

jack up the price

what are they trying to make it ten at least ten

10’s not bad though

10’s reasonable it’s reasonable

reasonable i

think it’s all good

they’re very

entertaining shows

i like the idea of keeping it

cheap because it’s kind of

experimental but it’s a reason

they’re all very


it’s well worth it

bert kreischer no

burr bill burr

did yeah bill

burr is hilarious he’s got

great stories too

so anyway february 4th

mandalay bay

theatre february

28th 29th and 30th west palm

beach improv

brian you can

catch him at

sal’s comedy hole

on melrose all the time

right what nights

i’m usually there all the time but i’m hosting

sunday the 30th

oh no i know i

guess i’m not doing that now

ladies 70s he’s looking for love

join my twitter

looking for love join

twitter we’re

going to australia

sydney oh yeah we’re

going to sydney

tonight we’re doing

something yeah we’re doing something in

sydney it’d be nice if it was on my fucking you

stream page brian

but it’s not

got some old shit on here ann

arbor michigan and montreal canada is

not old somebody

put out a link yesterday for the tickets i retweeted

it yeah cool twitter like last

night it’s called rudy

hill that’s the name of the

place that’s in australia

if you go on joe rogan

net i believe it has more information are you

gonna have to

use your brain and that’s the only gig i

could get in australia because these ufc

things what happens is they book the

ufc like a couple of

months out like

three months out and say hey the ufc is

gonna be in australia

and i immediately

start looking for a gig

but the problem is a lot of these

band like these

venues they book up with bands like six

seven months in advance so take

yeah so most

of them were

taken so this is the

place that i

had to go to it’s kind of a little bit further out but

my friends in

sydney i apologize we’re

gonna have a good time though

ari and we’re

gonna fly over in a fucking

apartment wait till you

check out the

plane we’re

gonna really

it’s the dopest

shit ever qantas

yeah it’s fucking badass dude you look a little

apartment maybe

we’ll make videos all right

flashlight all right you

dirty bitches

if you go to joe rogan

net you can get 15

off the flashlight

click the link and enter in the code name rogan and

are you still haven’t used one have you

no you don’t want one right you’re scared i’m

yeah i’m scared

that’s exactly what it is to be honest you just be

shooting loads of

everything all

day and i’m like i don’t need this in my life

it’s way better than beating off that’s what it

should say in

quotes on the box way

better than being

off it’s way better than beating off it is works what

okay that’s the end of the show

thank you very much bert kreischer

supposed to be here tomorrow

i haven’t talked to him

so hopefully

we got it all

i know he’s

traveling today hopefully

we got it all work out

but check twitter

and you’ll know

for sure i love you bitches i’ll see you later

this is your music yeah

what is don’t make fun of it’s really gay

is it a song yeah it’s called vcr

okay let’s listen to it in the commercial

wish you would digest me ninja kick its ass

dude you need to go to a doctor

your living looks better thanks ninja thanks

you got it you got a real problem dude

where’s that

one you had that one song that you made with your xx

brian this is terrifying

give it humanity has ever produced

you have a worm in your brain

honor t mobile kicked our ass

so i can drive back to nineteen eighty

see ya ninjas cry

trying their eyes

bro somewhere someone

is making this they’re gonna make this the

feature song on their myspace page got an answer it’s

called word salad right

brian what is that song that you made with your ex

can you make a song with your ex yeah what’s that one

about it was kind of a good one

what was it

what was it about well there’s the one i’m

punching the dog is that the one you’re talking

about i don’t know but it was good it was fun

oh juno ish

juno ish yeah that’s actually just a remake of a song

oh don’t do that cause you don’t have rights

right but there were

the other ones punching the dog it’s

about punching my dog

do you think that’s funny man yeah

is your dog a douchebag

no this was because

the song was about

her dog how she asked her dog she’s from

texas and she was just like get over here i’m gonna

punch you and i’m like you do say you’re gonna punch it

so then i wrote this song there’s a little dog too

right yeah you didn’t really like

punch it or anything like sometimes you have to

punch dogs yeah

yeah you know if they’re trying to bite you

punch him punching you scared

let the dog know

yeah bite me motherfucker

be repercussions

you get punched in the face you get

punched this is like

that only this is action

or so bite your hands off this is a punching no okay

throw it throw it all right you

know play that one joint is

good or should

we not play it was just all that good they’re all my

stupid song

right now all

right i don’t want to

leave people


okay another

gonna like i wish i

could have heard it they’re

gonna think it’s better than it was

they’re gonna

leave now thinking

that i missed out on something good when reality

folks is it shut off your iphone

shut off your itunes

disconnect from you stream please

don’t listen to what we’re doing here right now

no need for you to waste your time

this is right you’re cracking on rock

and clicking on links

okay stop this is worse than the other one

this is worse shut up stop it

that’s terrible bro

no well i could play the genoise song because nope

nope that’s no copyright that’s actually really good i

think we’re good

that’s really good that’s it that’s rap

that’s the end

of the show

very nice thank you for having me sir

thank you for being here sir this is fun

thanks for the ride brian

thanks everybody follow r

shafir on twitter

s h f f i r

r a a r i s

h a f f i r

are you fear

and red band r e d b a n but

brian what are you up to now

we got we got

huh how many people you got now

like eleven thousand or something

eleven thousand people listening to your

stuff are you

happy with that man no

you want more i need to beat that fucking sluts

number oh what is the sluts number i

think like twenty

one thousand

how many did she grow

while she was with you

i don’t know

how much is it responsible are you responsible for some

growth you made her more popular i think i

definitely got her some

he got different internet people

different yeah

different people with

her animated

gifts of her fingering herself all over the website

how weird is that you’re not

gonna win this competition

brian how weird is that

how weird is that

never win the

competition i

will win this contract

what you gotta do is

start never

where so i will

start showing my dick

okay there’s always a new detail to hate

that’s the end of the show folks

thank you very much bye we love you bitches peace

shut that fucking music up

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