baa baa ding ding
ding
was that the intro yeah
but a ding dong ding dong dong what kind of fucking
intro is that but a ding ding ding ding dong
this is how relaxing are here don’t
last one year in
we have no idea what’s going on but yeah
like wait was that an intro
starts we got to stop using music folks for
legal purposes and all sorts of other shit
but didn’t you know i got superman already
so that’s our music coach
what was that song i sing
i don’t know should we copyright it
yeah we should copyright that we will
sue them and they want to use it
those fucking whores yeah call welcome to the podcast
bitches ladies and gentlemen the one and only mr ari
shafir is joining us today
thank you thank you very much i appreciate this ari
would be here to promote his shows in san francisco but
unfortunately for you cunts they’re all sold out
super happy about it he’s balling
storyteller shows so you’re gonna promote
subway instead
yeah more out
sandwiches so where are
these shows at so people know where they can’t go
the purple onion they
might release on the day of the show but i don’t really
understand how that works well
what happens is sometimes people reserve them and they
don’t pick them up and they don’t pay for them and they
flake which i’m sure happens at time
especially in san francisco must
you fucking flaky free must
i buy tickets and it’s raining it’s like
not going anywhere
people just like dude
there’s a certain amount of people that always
flake no matter how badass the concert is pink
floyd’s the wall whatever the fuck it is
people just gonna
flake there’s a certain amount
you just have
to accept that my friend just had a birthday
party and she was pissed because
more people said they were
gonna show up and did
and i was like oh you’ve
never tried to promote a show
yeah nobody comes
yeah that’s
that’s ridiculous they
meant to have
unreasonable
expectations the
worst is when you buy tickets and then you
break up with the girl
and then you’re like i don’t
wanna see fucking whoever
he’s on a block
to morrissey and
to coachella
well first of all you’re dating some depressing
bitches if they want to go see morrissey with you
we might have
found a problem
morrissey man if you ever wanted to cry
mexicans are into them into
into morrissey
morrissey in the
smiths have no idea why
mexicans are
super into morrissey
wow maybe it’s
like mexicans totally wish they were whiny
white people
maybe mexicans are into
flashlights
oh that’s right we’re sponsored by the
flashlight yeah
flashlight dot com
subtle segway
if you go to joe rogan
net there’s a link for
flashlight and
click the link and
enter in the word
rogue and you
get fifteen percent off we’re just trying to save your
money bitches you’re just trying to save your
money on flesh
lights i don’t want anybody
beating off for retail
just don’t think that’s right
at this girl find my
flesh and goes do you really use this i’m like
yeah yeah yeah
and she just
starts putting
her fingers and i’m like you do know i just said
you could use it she goes i don’t care you washed it
right i’m like
yeah i guess
how often do you not wash it
is this a girl you were boning
huh no just uh
then please anyone at your
house you’re boning yeah you’re trying to bone them
no no it’s just my landlord oh
your landlord
is not playing with your
flashlight brian
your story is full of
i was coming up short last
month and rent and so you paid her off like
like beat off into the flashlight form no not that
you go down nothing it’s like the scene
he’s curling the toilet
and she’s talking about something about you know
fucking makes you really want to take a shit
i love that i want to see
their new movie they have a new movie coming out
where it’s like about
this guy that’s
married and he gets to take a week off of the
marriage or something like that oh
it’s from the same guys i believe fairly brothers yeah
they made some great shit
they made something about mary too yeah
i read his book it was about being a comic
oh really yeah
about stand up i
think so if i remember just living and in like a you
know apartment with his brother i believed
being doing comedy i can’t remember it’s a lot
their east coast guys
the comedy writer is what it’s called
do you got oh yeah you’ve
gotta watch speaking of comedy
gotta watch dennis
leary’s new comedy central special how is it
must be that good how you’re like
like and talk down do you like an actor
who’s never really done
stand up has to write his own material and then play a
stand up in a movie no really
it just is it just rusty
it’s just death
this is nothing funny there
it’s just missing what’s funny
would you ever have him on the podcast
no because i don’t want him over my
house and i probably want to getting you
could always go to death squad
studio to do it he’s the type of guy that
would you like kind of threaten you for talking the
truth he’s not a good guy
you know the whole the
whole scene is just ugly
but it was fascinating
watching it
you know i root for people man
and i wanted it to be good you know i was not getting
workout and
stuff for him
he’s not the same guy does he live in la
yeah i think so i don’t know i’ve
never heard
i think he lives in the east coast okay
i root for him i
swear to god i root for everybody to be better
i root for everybody to to get over
their bullshit
you know everybody that’s done
shady shit in the past
if you even we
gotta feel that this is shady i root for i
swear to god but fuck
fuck it was
just a void
it was a void
you know he was my favorite
comic when i first
started really when i was on open
micro for like six
months he was my favorite
comic really
i was just killer he was destroyer
and like so much more
aggressive than anybody ever seen on
stage so much more
like my my kind of comedy and like the type
of people that i was hanging around with and like the
the shit that i was used to i was just
hard people you know
like the comedy that i was used to is all from
mostly from boxing gems
from my my my boxing
coach joe lake
the guy who had his finger bitten off in a
street fight and had a toe
attached to
where his finger was
and curled permanently so he
could keep throwing
right hooks really not kidding
he had his toe
i had my toe
to curled i had it done like this so i
could fucking
throw that right hook
yeah he was
crazy he was on
he’s a fucking animal
i don’t want
to tell all the stories that i know because i don’t
know what he wants to get out there on the internet
but these are the type of people i was hanging out with
who performs that kind of surgery
there’s been
no there’s did they do that finger back
he told the doctor
what crazy a bunch
you know you didn’t want a straight finger and that
would be terrible it would get
stuck in the boxing
glove because
he couldn’t move you couldn’t
articulate the finger anymore because the
nerves were gone oh
they’re all severed
somebody bit his fucking finger off
in a street fight oh
how does it get to that move
like at what
point are you losing
my friend mike blythe
at the time my friend mike blythe was a
bouncer at the rats gallery
and he was a professional boxer
and he wasn’t
i mean he would
drink occasionally but we wasn’t
drinking when he was there
and he didn’t
look like a killer he looks like a very he’s a very
smart guy too and he’s very well spoken
but he’s a straight
south boston thug
and he worked
glasses and chip he’s a pro boxer
and so he would just totally get off
on just lighting up
drunk college dudes
guys that would get
stupid and guys that
would get in his face and he would
allow them to
literally almost pick on him
before he would knock him
unconscious really yeah
he would say i’m telling you this
you guys are making a big mistake
you know this
is not the way to go i don’t know i don’t know how you
live in your life
and then he
would just turn on him with
you fucking figure you fucking
pussy oh really
oh what what but be
he would just just tee off on him he’s a pro boxer
and a fucking good one and then all
their friends
would be like you got
knocked out by a nerd no
he would knock them out so
scary they would all just slack jaw
and wait for
their animals there
oh animals just nuke that
whole animals
they should
knock it out that
is the craziest
place i’ve ever been i’ve
never i mean in what
i do shows there like the last time i did a show there
that that that theater and the what used
to be the combat zone i forgot the name of the theater
connection coming
no used to be the comedy
connection now it’s a theater the wilbur
the wilbur it’s
beautiful theater
that was cool i forget
but you realize they’re
savages they’re just wilder people
you know they’re more willing to fight
they’re more
willing to complain
about shit they’re
less likely to deal with bullshit take your shit
you know they’re
less likely to let you get away with anything
like there’s certain shit that people get away with in
california that i didn’t realize
like when i came out here that people
lived like this that like actor talk
you know like
you know when you
hear people
talking on the set and just talking
straight actor talk and no one ever calls them on
their bullshit and it’s like ew
why did you start
sounding like that in boston everybody
calls everybody on
everything you don’t ever get to put on airs
that’s why there’s so many
fights though
too it is that’s why this
is why me and ari almost got me
but it’s also
why there’s so many comedians come from that area
so many comics came from that spot man
ever happened to dave mordell i was
thinking about him the
other day is he
still doing
stand up he’s been a show for a while yeah
really yeah
funny had some sort of a
understanding for a little bit
right yeah he’s a good
comic man he’s
hilarious yeah i got to work with him in new york
did a show with him in new york he’s really funny man
he’s yeah he’s like real like
solid professional you know
really good timing good writing good writing yeah
i don’t know what happened man
yeah there was a
i did stand up last night there was an actress that was
doing the yeah she was on the
phone and she says
yeah i’m doing stand up tonight it’s my
first time but it’s
it’s gonna be
easy she was doing that while it’s gonna be so easy
actually i just paid 15
and what it
is it’s like 10 people go up in the audience votes and
i’m gonna fucking take this
i mean this is
gonna be us like just
never fucking
talking shit
about how easy it’s gonna be
i wanted to stay
but that would be the
worst comedy ever so i’m not gonna ever
watch that well it’s fascinating though
every time you see someone
so you’ve never done and you’re
gonna be awesome
especially something that hard and you’ve
never done it
yeah jack the owner was just out
back around there just like just
pointing at her
just laughing his ass off there’s people that
think they’re
gonna be awesome at
everything before they ever do it
those are the douchebags of the world
cause they’ve
never really tested themselves and developed character
where character comes from is failure
and recognizing you know and being
you know like humble
and you know
and feeling the humility and knowing okay you
know what man and no one’s perfect this is crazy like
all my hubris of youth that’s all illogical and it
doesn’t make any sense
but the people
that keep it like forever and they have it in
their thirties and shit and forties and they just
they think they
could do anything richie
taylor of the old manager of the congress
remember yeah he’s right
at thirty nine he thought he could
still play on some teams in the nfl and start
at quarterback
he’s dude i
still got an arm for real
i’m walking be an all pro
but i can beat some guys out or like
how cocky do you have to be
first of all you know you’ve
never been anything
second of all you’re
thirty nine even if you were
great you still can’t compete now the
only guys who can keep competing like when they’re in
their late thirties and forties and shit like the
first of all it’s very very recent so you have to
start thinking
about freckles
you have to
start thinking
about chemicals because
we all want to
think that everybody’s doing you
know everybody’s natural and just doing squats
and i don’t want to
cast judgment on anyone
but when you look at like 40 year
old athletes there was no brett favres when i was a kid
they didn’t
exist there’s no
40 year old dudes playing
professional football what in the super bowl
are you shitting me
that guy’s got gray hair what
this doesn’t
even register
like bernard hopkins there’s
never been someone like bernard hopkins
see george foreman when he won the
title he was 46 years old when he
knocked out michael moore but
he was getting his fucking ass kicked before that
and he hit him with like some
legit old man strength
you know what i mean like
george foreman was just an old
strong tough dude
he never looked like a
young guy when he was
older he looked like a big ass
strong old dude that
could fuck you up
and he worked out real hard
he would push
trucks and shit his
driveway and
he was like one of the
pioneers of like
chopping logs
that was all like old old old school
training shit back in the joe
louis days and he brought it all back
but if you look at like bernard hopkins
yeah he’s 46 man and he looks like he’s 30
it’s the craziest thing ever
like there’s
never been a professional boxer
i don’t know
i can’t i can’t say
but you’re saying it’s
weird it’s fucking beyond
weird it doesn’t make any
sense it’s never
existed before
sugar ray leonard when he got his like late thirties
it was a rap you know everybody else it’s a rap
bernard hopkins
forty six not even
forty one not even
forty almost
forty six and he’s out boxing
super athletes
wow didn’t know
what’s that forming like defend his
title a few times
yeah yeah yeah
well he fought
tommy marston
lost it to tommy morrison
so did he defend it he
might not defend it he
knocked out
my horse was a champion
tommy morrison had some
wacky belt he won
from george foreman
yeah he beat george
foreman i thought it was just a contender
when he got there no i’m pretty sure
tommy morrison
won the title
wow i’m pretty sure i know he beat george
foreman a decision
what were those belts that used
to tie and then you like folded it around and then back
like london fog coats yeah
the belts i mean yeah the belts around
yeah you just tie what are they no no no no no
no they were like the
leather belts that
like were really long
and then you had to like kind of
roll it around
i got it on
right now oh you got it on
right now yeah
except this isn’t that long
isn’t that long
wow yeah i’m wearing it i
brought a lot of retirement
why would i
what says that it becomes like
michael moore
vacated the
title that’s
bizarre i don’t even
understand that that’s so
weird when they vacated a
title not retirement
i mean i got
threw in the garbage can
yeah you know what the problem with boxing for real
super crooked
it’s not just
super crooked there’s so many organizations
there’s not just one ufc
style organization you know
a lot of people
bitch about ufc
being in a monopoly
but at least you know
when you have a monopoly at least
you got like
one clear world
champion there’s a wbo
the ibf the wba the wbc
and a bunch of
other ones that
people aren’t sure whether they
should take seriously
there’s a gang
of they just
let’s say somebody retires and makes the belts open
uh huh each one just decides like well who do we
thinks the most deserving of it yeah they do that
so they work for you
they make guys fight but
they all make a decision on their own
who it should
be yeah exactly
i mean that’s why it is with the
ufc and strike
force too because now we have
you know strike
forces has this big
heavyweight tournament that’s coming up they
have fador and
ovary they got a lot of good guys in
their tournament man but
it’s almost kind of
annoying you know
it’s like man i
wanna see everyone
fight everyone
i want it to be one big
giant league
yeah there’s
gotta be a way they can do that
they’re pushing for that in baseball to have a japanese
versus american
champion really
real world champion that
would be the shit
that would be
that would be dope
you know be dope i hate to say it but i
would love if
japanese dudes came over here and kicked americans ass
you son of a bitch
was son of a
bitch communist
how dare you there
should be a
where were you you know the problem is no one’s
gonna be willing to do that i was
gonna say with
ufc and strike
force no one’s
gonna be willing to say
you know then the guy
whoever the
champion is
he represents your organization and you know
each guy fight it out for each weight class like
that’s like too much of a downside
you know yeah
cause then if you lose like oh
you get our
champion yeah
and what if the
ufc got all the
champions then strike
force what they just go out of business then you know
that gets tricky what are they
gonna they can’t have a
we’re just announced a new channel you can’t have a
title you can’t have a
title you know
but it’s weird you know you got nick diaz is a
champion over there and george saint pierre is a
champion over here but guess what
they’re not fighting
as long as they keep nick diaz
happy and they keep paying them
you know they’re not gonna fight
if you keep smoking his power dana
white’s a little wary of him too because he
he got in a fight with joe riggs
in the hospital and
after they were
they argued when they were in the hospital
and nick diaz
jumped him in the hospital
he had iv bags on and shit and he’s beating his ass
like i’m in the hospital those
stockton guys
are out of their minds
him and his brother are
they’re low
those guys are the real deal they’re not fucking around
don’t talk shit
unless you want
to get your face
punched we hung out in
stockton and
we hung up there was this
chick at some bar
over there and
we had like a 45
minute drive to get back home and the
young guy in the tour the
monsters tour
was like we were trying to get him some
the girl was like into it
right so he was like i
don’t know if i can get her we’re like hey come on you
wanna come back with us and she
was like can
you get back tomorrow she was yeah i’ll find her right
she was just this
weird girl at the bar
right so let’s
go you’re coming let’s go so we got in the back seat
and then he got really cold
uh she started rapping yeah she started rapping
randomly he got really cold to her cause i don’t
wanna like why cause she told me she was autistic
and i was like what
i’m like oh her behavior makes complete sense now
i just thought she was weird and quirky
so autistic people are well
aware that they have an
issue yeah and she was doing tons of blow
oh my god that
sounds so just
pounding it and then rapping 30
straight minutes autistic and low
and she’s a wigger yeah
i drove her back to her
i’m assuming is it a
black girl is it a black girl no it’s a white girl
and was she rapping like a black girl yeah
nice that’s what i assumed all those things yeah
it’s kind of i painted it for myself because that
would be the
most ridiculous
there’s something
very special
about poor white people that act like poor black people
there’s a weirdness to it man
just like when they’re serious
when like white dudes are like real serious
about being
street and acting
yeah but like is it just a poor thing no
no not necessarily
i mean a little bit of it sure i mean
because their
world interacts
they’re intertwined
in other communities
the poor white and poor
black communities i mean poor people have to live
where poor people live
you know like i
lived in jamaica
plain there was a lot of poor
white people and poor
black people together but it’s new york
right there’s something
weird when a dude has a
clear affectation
and he just takes it on
and all of a
sudden you know it’s like
he won’t get
crazy you know you won’t get crazy
and like i’ve seen
white guys talk like that and you like wow
okay there’s no part of the country where
white people talk like that you didn’t see that on tv
if this isn’t like a rural
greensboro south carolina
thing and like well everybody has this
weird accent there no no no no no
you’re clearly
urban black
urban black
southern a little bit
you know and then
dudes in new york do it too a lot a lot of
white girls really
and then from the
north i don’t care yeah
still talking like a
southern yeah yeah yeah to
guy i’ve seen guys do it
especially back in the in the 90s
there was a lot of guys
that would especially
involved in like when i was playing pool and i was
going watching guys gamble on pool
there was always a lot of like these
sort of thug type characters
who were white guys that talked like
black guys that
would even say nigger they
would say like
this nigga thing
gonna come here and take all our shit
like this nigga
thing you gonna come here and take all our shit
show this motherfucker who’s up
show this motherfucker
and be like wow like this guy’s
it’s like an
alien person like
you you’re not just saying these
things but you
think the neck guy saying that lie do you
think he still feels it when he says the n word do you
think he’s still yes he’s
a little he’s
squirmy a little and let i mean he must be on oxycontin
if he’s not
you know you’re a
white guy and you’re saying nigger and
especially he’s got he had like you know like a really
short shaved head like almost like
like a almost like a skinhead but like a little stubble
on his head you know so it’s like
you were you was there so much
whiteness there’s whiteness
everywhere this
whiteness all
over your head you don’t need to have like
a bunch of black hair
where i look at you and it’s
curly hair and i’m like
this guy’s like part
black or something no no nothing
he was like
super white
remember that jason kidd
and he’s doing
these things with his
fingers where guys
shake their hand in the air
where they talk
there’s some
weird thing like that
where they hold
their hand approximately forehead level
and then they just
shake it up and down like
pop like knuckles out and they
shake their hand up and down
yeah it is almost like that it’s like a chip
throw his arms up here
it’s just progressed
do you think there are
black guys like
deep deep in the hood who talk
super upscale white yes
for sure yeah there’s a lot of
black guys that
would die to be
white and a lot of
white guys that
would die to be black
most people in this
world do not want to be who they
are yeah they like everyone else has it so much easier
everybody else is cooler
we will let the easiness as an insult
like oh your parents
paid your way
through college
no i do like
so what my parents
worked hard put me through college yeah is that bad
people want to believe everyone wanted me to be smart
having it harder is the way cooler way to be
yeah yeah you didn’t get there for real you ain’t legit
you ain’t streets
that’s like the
stocking guys
stockings for real it’s like even move
yeah it should
be there it’s a
crazy place to live you want to live
where you can go to
sleep and not worry
about fucking gunshots
going through your window
yeah it’s nice
it’s one thing you
might be into
yeah well some people in the
trails some
people like that idea of thrills out of nowhere
some people like like
living in silver lake and hearing sirens all the time
you know there’s
people that like that they feel like they’re in the
heart of like some sort of an artist colony
ari does yeah i
drove used to film the
other day through silver looking there’s some of
those streets that look like straight
ghetto yeah just
straight like what
dogs walking
across the street with no tags at all pit bulls
yeah silver
likes tricky man
it’s cause you got a
bunch of hipsters and they’re living with a
bunch of gang bangers
you know and i
think a lot of them must get robbed
right don’t they probably
you have bars i’m always worried
about duncan because duncan’s like
super into like living in
those kind of areas he lives on this
he lives has
anyone even broken a teddy
but he’s like the
first guy to wet his
pants if someone you know he’s
never been broken
his neighborhoods pretty
crazy the history of
what’s his neighborhood
yeah some famous guy that
did a bad thing can’t really tell the story
it’s pretty
famous i don’t know if he’s talked about it or
not no yeah he
doesn’t want anybody to know where he lives
i just saw that with his girl now and
right i just saw that documentary that guy
drink all her kool aid guy jim
jeff so i’ll tell you after the show’s over
you know you really
can’t say because it’ll everyone will know exactly
where he lives
right he lives in a weird
house long story
you know the guy that
kool aid guy jim jefferies is that his name or
jim jefferies yeah yeah
no no no you’re talking
about the comedian no no no the guy that guyana
tragedy jim
jones jim jones
i was watching the documentary
about that the
other day and that you know
it mixes the
audio in with
the video and
stuff like that have you guys seen this documentary
highly recommend it i
think it was on
netflix or something like that it showed
videos and it talked to the guy’s brother the
whole time he’s like yeah my brother then
told everybody to you know
drink this and do that no it wasn’t even kool aid
those poor kool aid fucks
right it was like couldn’t even get good enough
grape drink
right like some drink
yeah they were showing it
like they were
shooting it in the kids
mouth with like
turkey baster type
things oh my god and
yeah and then
i didn’t know
how many people also died from like nbc news a
senator or was a
senator died people
that got there got shot
killed right yeah
yeah they murdered them
senator landon
right there
yeah a bunch of people well it got real
tricky because
you know there was a lot of them and this guy
they basically were running sort
of a paramilitary operation he had guns and shit and
guards and you
know whenever you get control of a
group of people
and the government’s not
gonna let that happen you get a big
group like what they
tried to do in waco
they had themselves
fenced in and they
basically started
their own country they
started a real a mini country
unless we gotta attack them
and they just went in
after him bro they killed everybody if
you go look at rules of engagement it’s a documentary
about the waco tragedy
where they just
clearly show tanks
blowing fire
into buildings
tanks are knocking over
buildings and blowing fire into
buildings a
bunch of children and
women died in this thing
they just dude they
apparently shots were exchanged
and a few agents got hit
and you know and there’s
video of agents like getting shot at and
shooting people and jumping into
buildings and shit and
breaking into windows and
one agent actually
almost got shot and some friendly fire use a
video you could watch that
where a guy
you know it’s craziness they’re
breaking into windows and shit and trying to get
but at a certain point time
they got to go
ahead to use the tanks
and so they are
knocking over fucking
buildings with
these tanks and you see
there you see that the gun
you know the what is the gun
turret what is that part of the tank called it’s all
kind of idea
maybe the barrel of the
long thing the big long
thing that looks
with the bone cock of
death big car
and the cock of death is
spraying fire into
these buildings
dude it’s gnarly
crazy it’s gnarly
it’s pretty gnarly because i mean that it is
clear cut absolute
unequivocible evidence evidence
that that fire was not an accidental fire
they lit that place
out that’s what
i remember they said it just caught fire somebody
lit up a tank
or something i mean
unless all this is
completely fake
footage i mean i wasn’t there i don’t know for sure
but it seems like that’s what they did i mean all
those people died and burned to death but
is fire happen all the time how does
fire happen just all of a
sudden your
house caught fire sorry
how rare is it that fucking
you know you’ve
got gigantic compound
filled with bullets that’s been around
forever how
rare is it that shit just catches
fire yeah you
know and there’s
videos of these
tanks knocking over
buildings blowing fire
you can’t be
shooting at the government
there that ruby red shit same shit they’re
gonna kill you man
i was in his
room that happened and i remember right my
uncle and aunt
asked me like what’s up with that
what are the i was like i don’t know
weird thing
i’m eighteen
i don’t know anything you’re supposed to know yeah
yeah represent your country what
you’re not allowed to do that man you’re not allowed to
start your own country
inside our country you can’t just put up a fence and
have military
vehicles and everyone’s got
car like guns out in the open
they would walk around like guns out
rifles and shit out
because they are
stock pile of weapons
they were just letting
everybody know that they’re protected and that this is
you know this is an
armed community
and this one guy is just banging everybody’s wife
one guy was that’s what it was all
about this one guy
would like play songs it was play the guitar and play
music and he
fucked everyone’s wife like a different battlestar
galactica he
was basically a real
thing real similar
yeah that balt is our guys that
was who is his name the dark haired guy
yeah am i making up his name i
might have made up his name
i forget what
his name is the
british guy yeah the british guy was the real
swarmy guy but this guy was a little bit more
jesus like he
was a little bit more
you know christ like
and he just
fucking everybody
just a brilliant guy who realized that he can
manipulate people and he got a
bunch of dull
people that were looking to find the way and
he brought them all together and gave them all some
dick oh of course you want to fuck
that’s what he did
why wouldn’t you want to fuck him
it’s just it’s a
tricky thing man
where the government
says no no no you can’t run that hustle
so what about your hustle what
about your crazy
taxes and the federal reserve
not really even being a federal institution and all
privately owned and
banks that control
everything and the
bilderberg group what
about your fucking hustle
all this guy’s doing is getting some pussy
you know your
house seems a lot
worse than what they’re doing oh
is it was just the guns was that why there
why they would
do that yeah
because it’s not for the guns they let him go
ahead and do whatever well he’s
he got big oh it
got the compound was
they had resources
people would
leave the compound and come back they
would work in town and come back to the compound
it was like it got tricky
it got to the
point where you know
hey if they decided to just take over this community
who’s gonna be able to stop them
do we have to protect ourselves from this
armed group of
humans yeah
it gets tricky
i don’t know what the exact
what they used i think
they probably used like
child abuse
which may or may not have been true yeah they
weren’t sent
their kids to
school or something
could have been that it
could have been
sexual abuse it
could have been
i mean it might have been true
my own teasing
yeah i’m not saying that this guy for sure
you know was a
great guy and the government
should have left them alone
you know but
if we’re really gonna go
after people for
child abuse
why the fuck are we not
going after the catholic church
why is that not why are they
arresting the pope why are they not
going in to
like guns drawn to
these organizations and finding out okay
how many of you have fucked kids
how many of
your fucking kids
there was a
document that got released that we were talking
about before the podcast
started from 1997 that said the vatican
sent a letter out
telling these churches to not report cases
of child abuse to the police
that is some
nasty shit man
i mean if that was the case
with anyone who
covered up and
didn’t report when they knew it like they
should be arrested
yeah they’re like yeah you can’t
you can’t do that you can’t
cover up stuff like
that exactly anyway if it was
anywhere else if it was
if it was like
you know any
other business
any other exactly let me tell my boss
and then i won’t say anything to the police let me
ask my boss what he wants to do and the boss like knows
about it it’s like
yo you can’t just shut you’re not allowed
if your boss’s business was fucking kids
like that was
their number one
hobby we’re
gonna go play golf and they
would say go play golf with the finger
quotes in the air
and that meant they’re
gonna go bang kids
i mean that’s
really almost what it’s like it seems for some of
these priests
if you watch that
there’s a terrible documentary
about a guy
but he shipped them all over the place
i think it’s called deliver us from evil
let me tell exactly what it’s called i like
coloring and i like
watching cartoons
i’m starting to
think my age
group is a kid
deliver us from
evil that’s what it is it was that this is a
don’t watch it
if you don’t want to get depressed because if you want
to get depressed it will get you depressed it’s fucking
it’s gnarly shit man
you know you find out like
their their strategy of
like keeping
these guys from getting in
trouble and how they
could just move them
instead of like strategy
yeah it was
all written out man
like i had a good priest
let’s let’s uh
yeah just trying to move
well that’s what rats
the new guy
what is his name rats ginger what the fuck is his name
pope pope country fuck the fifth
yeah the creepy guy was in the hitler youth group
that guy literally
like actively like they know for sure he
tried to shield
child molesters like
they know that he did
really he tried
to move over
to the top there’s
it’s it’s out
outstanding
no no debate
no debate about it there’s
papers out there showing
that they are actively trying to
shield child molesters and protect the church
from lawsuits and litigation and
and just try to squash
these claims
i mean they must have
it must be just an overwhelming amount of kid fuckers
i mean it must be like impossible
to man was there no one else to promote to the top
i don’t think someone in the former hitler you i
think they’re all fucked up i
think if you guys
he’s probably
the one in his
pants the best
right i bet if you went digging into some of
those other guys
maybe he didn’t fuck anyway but he knew
about a bunch of people who did
maybe fuck some
every now and
then and the rest of them it’s a it’s a weekend
party do you guys
think it’s most
of those people do it or most not
cause i think it’s like 99 percent most dumb
most dumb people are
child molesters
right like we look at
child molesters
oh it has nothing to do with intelligence you don’t
think like you’re kind of retarded
you’re like i’m
one with the
no no i’m a baby
most of what it is is from
being abused yourself
that’s what it is they sort of replay
what really fucked up and damaged them when they were
young and then it just keeps
going back and they did it because someone else
killed a head vampire yeah exactly it’s a
recurring problem
it had to kill a head child molester
it’s really it’s really a
crazy phenomenon people that get sexually attracted
to children and sexually attracted to the idea of
raping and you know and holding someone down
against their will and that’s
where they get
their rocks off
it’s very very tricky
it’s really
tricky that it happens
to them and then for some reason they want to do it to
other people but there’s been so many cases of that
yeah mm hmm
the best is that guy
enough to catch a predator
they caught like a
second time
or no was a
second time it was
they caught him
as soon as they caught on the like he was like
can you just
send the cops in here and have them execute me already
oh yeah yeah he was like
i don’t want to do this but this is all i want to do
did you imagine that’s all you wanted to do yeah
i can’t help myself just fuck it what
i know it’s gross
yeah this is what i’m into it’s fucked
it’s fucked yeah
he’s his brain was
wired fucked up you know
could you imagine if your
brain was wired
great in every other way
except for this whole
except that yeah
and so you’re
smart enough to be
aware this is frowned upon
there had to be
some kind of therapy like they
could have made like a
flashlight baby for him and then just like try this i
think that’s helping
i think this
if it helped him not fuck a kid
like get into this
flesh like real doll baby
there’s pills you can take right
give it a cute face they give them
pills to like
i don’t know what they do
i don’t know i don’t know what’s the i mean how
much a libido
what little comb that
brush the person
yeah different for
every person what
would straighten out one dude is not
gonna straighten
another dude
does have lots
yeah how much research are they
gonna do in
straightening
up pedophiles
just you gotta kill him
there’s too many people in the
world as it is
we know we know that we we
just that’s sort of what i
think in the
grand scheme
of things just a couple numbers
you shoot you’re supposed to call
agree we don’t want them around
dogs that do the same shit when dogs
go to bite people man i firmly believe that those dogs
should be put down and i put down dogs that were
aggressive to people
i’ve had dogs in my past that bit people and
we had to put the dog down it happened more than once
and i think that’s what you have to do
i really don’t
think you if you
train a dog
and you you know you love them and you’re around them
but something’s still
wrong with that dog and that dog wants to bite people
like what’s
going on why is this dog
even associating people with
danger and people with you know wanting to attack them
no one’s been fucking with this dog you’ve had it
since he was a puppy
every now and then man you get a nutty dog
and you gotta kill him
you gotta kill
those nuts you
only come back yeah because it look man what the fuck
i had a dog with this temper got a new dog
i had a doberman
with this temper and he
tried to bite me once
and it was just i didn’t know you had to
stamp her my dog has an oral fixation
that won’t stop licking and biting and eating and
all dogs do you
gotta give them raw hydrates i do
but it’s non stop
now it’s like
she’s self medicating like she has this thing
like a squeaker
toy that she just keeps in her
mouth 90 of the day
like she knows like if i take this out get
her a rubber dog dick
yeah call the
flashlight people
up you have to make a very firm rubber dog dick
or just rubber
dog dick that has like a meat flavor to it a
flashlight baby
yeah that’d be great
flashlight babies for my dog
dogs are awesome when they’re awesome
but the bottom line
about dogs is that they are animals man
we just sort of have this
weird trust in a
bunch of animals that can kill us
we keep them in our yards and shit
and people also put like emotional attachments on them
but then if you look back in 50 years on you killing
your dog because he was biting people they were like
this amount
percentage they don’t know
your attachment they’ll just be like this
percentage dog was killed because they bought somebody
here’s a crazy story
two people that i know
that have had
pit bull fights
in the yard
where they had dogs and the pit bull
wind up killing another dog
either killing another pit bull or killing a dog
and both of them
tried to blame it on some
other shit like what
one of them blamed it on a mountain lion
one of them
thought that a mountain lion came in and killed the dog
that’s what everyone was saying
but then my friend bud said listen i know
those dogs and
those dogs used to fight
and that fucking
idiot had two females in his yard
trapped up together
and they fought and one killed the
other one and he wanted to
blame it on a mountain lion
and i went oh
okay that makes
sense cause what a mountain lion coming to a
house full of pit bulls
like jesus isn’t there
a better way to eat
you know how fucking hungry
do you have to be you guys with your mountain lions
they’re out here bro
i wouldn’t have a mountain lion
story like i was at the grocery
store in a mountain lion
jumped on my face go
back to where i was living in
colorado because
where i was living in
colorado man
they lost 160
plus houses
i think was like a hundred
and seventy
total a hundred
seventy nine maybe
fire they had a horrible fire
the worst fire in
colorado history because
if you think about 170
houses in this area this is extremely rural
this is a mountain community so it’s all
houses in the mountains
and 170 of them are gone
so a huge amount of forest
was burned down thousands and thousands of acres
so now mountain lions have less territory
where there’s woods and
they’re already like
they are in
an area around people and they do kill people’s dogs
they want to keep that open as an option
and they know that there’s a lot of deer
around where people are
because the fact that people aren’t killing the deer
because people
are killing the deer and boulder deer are
everywhere so that
brings in mountain lions
so now they have like
more and more mountain lion
sightings there
wow but coming in
so then the
other one about
the dog the
other dog story where
a dog killed another dog
or this guy blamed it on someone
i know this dude who sells weed
and he was growing
plants in his
background he told me this
crazy story
where someone
broke into his house
and stabbed his dog and killed his
dog and then
ran away with his plants
and i was like whoa that
is fucked up like you came home and your dog was dead
and then you know you cut your
plants well
in time this
story has morphed
and now what i’ve
learned is one
of the dogs was a bulldog a female bulldog
and the other dog was a pitbull
and the pitbull
more than likely killed
the female dog
and he’s like blaming it on like and what
about the plants that are gone
well when he took
the dog to the hospital because the dog was fucked up
his neighbor who had been eyeballing his plants
hopped over his fence and
chopped his shit down and
stole his weed
oh nice yeah
every time somebody tells me
a sort of crazy unbelievable
story i’m like
there’s a reason that’s unbelievable
it’s just not
true well there’s some good stories that are
legit but that ain’t one of them i was
mad at this guy
like man you made me feel like your dog got stabbed
you know and
then i felt for that poor dog and murdered by some
you know some fucking asshole just wants to
steal a plant yeah
you know and then i’ve realized that this
idiots got two female dogs
i was looking to
accept that if it was too
betta fish and you
have female
dogs man female
dogs do not deal well with female dogs
it’s one of the
things you like
you know you can really
learn a lot
from about nature from
watching female dogs interact because female dogs
never choose an alpha
they don’t give up
like if you beat it like
squeaky and lucy were my two dogs
they’re both
sweet sweet dogs to people
but both would
fight you for attention
like if you were petting one of them
the other one
would come over and growl or like
bitch you better
get the fuck out of here that’s my hand i’m
gonna get this pet
and they hated each
other because this
and they would
never give up no matter how much they fought
i mean how many times
i would have to separate them with hoses sometimes
they would bite each
other and claw at each
other and go crazy
and in the middle of a fucking picnic
right everybody be just
chilling and
someone would give one dog a bone and the
other dog would get fucking
crazy before you know it it’s on
that’s like real
life thing it is like
those dogs should get a podcast yeah
it is like and you realize like that’s just a nature
thing like there is
a natural predisposition to not want
other women around you
especially other
women that are competing for
attention yeah that’s why
those women who hate
their daughters when they’re too hot
yes no longer hot yes
dude that’s dark yeah that is some dark
scary shit when
you got an old lady was hating on her pretty
young daughter
37 daughters
17 looking good
i’ve seen it man i’ve seen it happen many many times
i’ve heard of
guys take a let out
every guys who
their fucking
girlfriends mom comes onto them wow
how about that
how about your mom
still sort of got it she’s like
46 and kind of clinging on there
i know that this girl from
texas who her mom in
is like she’s a slut the girl i know from
texas you actually know her too oh really
and the mom is a slut
like an older version of her
and like they’ll
come over and have parties like in high
school and college
and like mom
would come out with like
short tits and fucking like it was just like
hanging out like she acted like she was one of the kids
whoa and is
she still does it
today though
with with her her mother
it doesn’t but
doesn’t she get like
super irrational and
start irrational fights too
no she’s actually i mean she works for an
airline and
stuff like that so she works
i’m thinking of a different girl yeah oh yeah we
love to talk
about the air
so i’ll know exactly what the
how often do you guys
bring up stories
are you like and this
said person went
we always try to edit around them
especially if they’re
particularly embarrassing
about a close friend
right it’s very difficult yeah you don’t want to
throw people into the bus
that bugs the shit out of me man when i watch
tv shows are listen to
radio shows and people
throw their friends
under the bus yeah
you probably
should i was
doing heroin with
some dudes you
could just talk
about anything like
joey diaz like
you know how you know
restrictions he
doesn’t give a fuck yeah
go ahead joe rogan
tell that story
it doesn’t care
i mean he’ll tell you stories
about me on his fucking facebook
he wrote that he invited
the guy he kidnapped
23 years ago to
be friends with him
on facebook and the guy accept his request diddy diddy
i don’t know
i don’t know i
doubt that we need to find that out he’s probably
getting harassment charges filed
against joey diaz
it’s been 30 years
i was just getting over it
i was kidnapped
he wasn’t kidnapped he was held at
gunpoint to a new
house to be like
where’s your where’s
the drugs yeah
yeah so we took it from one
house to another
and you gotta
think that no he tied that guy up bro
oh really yeah
he tied that guy up and he had a machine gun
it wasn’t like a
light cry wasn’t like it was jaywalking i got out of
control it’s pretty intense
it was already doing some shit yeah
and on top of that the
well the guy was selling drugs
and you got to
think anybody who’s selling
drugs who’s selling drugs back then was in the 80s
and drugs were real yeah
he can’t i can’t assume that guy’s
still alive
how could that guy be
alive that’s someone else with the same name
i grew up totally
different than
mountain lions and muggings from
yeah you grew
up in columbus
ohio man i was
upper middle class
you never ran out of milk in columbus
everywhere people make
their own milk carly
cow tipping
what was it like growing up in columbus and
then you know eventually realizing that the rest of the
world wasn’t like that you know i was thinking
about this last
night how weird it is that like at my high
school in my
school growing up there was only
like two asians all
right there was one girl one guy
the girl was
named konami
which was a
video game that was popular or company at the time
so she was like who’s this
asian girl and she has the coolest name ever konami wow
and the guy
i was his friend
and we grew up together and
my only asian
thing was like i was like in love with this
asian girl like she was like the only
person like her of the kind
and that’s where i
think i got like
asian fetishes from you know
one girl that one girl
so did someone else date this one girl
no she was very shy you know i
would buy her
those pencils that
used to take out the end and then put it in the back
bottom they have like little cartridges
oh yeah i know what you’re talking
about yeah yeah it was a big japanese girl thing
anyways like she
would give me like a pencil
and then i’m like
oh this is nice and
you know to give her a pencil no
no and then i had it right yeah
i had asian several years later and it was like
it was just regular sex and
it totally broke down those walls and now my
asian fetish was gone but
hemingway and his nick adams stories talks
about having sex with an indian for the first time
and then no girl would ever compete with that
round skin like plump woman india
from india or from american american
native americans
bitches probably wild
those are crazy
jungle bitches
it was weird
about mexicans is like out here you’re pretty much 50
50 in mexican and white almost you know or most or
everyone in columbus ohio there was like
i don’t even remember any mexicans just
white like i remember there was like
when the mexican race
started coming
to columbus and everyone’s like mexican race
like oh my god sell your
house sell your
house you know type
thing yeah yeah
i pretty much
lived had a
three bedroom
house that my mom gave me
grew up she got remarried and she was like
gonna sell and she’s like yeah you want
you just have it you know you know i do not have it but
you know live
i mean she owned it so right
just live there
and i was living there for like
three or four years and i just remember
the neighborhood slowly
starting to see more mexicans and to us they were like
so what was
weird problem people
would freak
out no it was just that you can tell the neighborhood
crime like my car
started getting broken into
are you streaming mexicans
no no no no i’m just saying at this time period
this is the facts that happened and then
i told my mom i like mom i love this
house but i
think you should sell the
house pretty
quick and so
she’s like alright so she sold it
and then like two years
later that neighborhood
is fucking destroyed
it looks like straight out of mad max like
the apartment sign
is like she crumbled
down and dude your mic is like really hot
is it yeah maybe it’s yeah
is it hotter than everybody else’s are you know
like on top of it yeah i’m probably just on top of it
did so did this was this engineer
because they do that you know they do what’s called
block busting but right
will go door to
door and they say hey mexicans are moving in you really
yeah you saw your shit now well i
think they actually
did move in now that’s the difference
it would actually be like the british are coming
like some paul revere
shit but it’s
weird how like in columbus like he seemed
like we only had like the mix mutt
the puppy like the mutt
i didn’t grow up with different
races and the only races we knew like italians
were all italian you know they were just like
that’s sweet through
three italians
they all exactly same that’s how that race acts
armenians see they
still wear gold chains
right the gold
chain they like to eat a lot
they’re very friendly
you know they’re
one lasagna away from having sex with each
other you know it was just if
crime went up when the mexicans
moved in it was
clearly the mexicans who were causing the crime
right well it seems like it seemed like
it seemed like poverty
caused it but if the mexicans
moved in you got to
think that you’re talking about
lower echelon
or class poor
poor these were different
seem different mexicans than the one that did
something happened
did a new job open up like a new
factory or some shit
they just started
migrating i
think you know lately
i mean i noticed
from zero mexican to
a lot of mexicans in columbus ohio within five years
yeah but isn’t there something that draws in there
they must have jobs there must be something i
think there’s been a
migration there
weren’t very many when i was
growing up but now there are
more like pee in a pool man it’s just diluting out
everywhere you know i
think they’re just slowly it’s
starting it seems like it’s
they start one
will move into a
plate i know there’s a lot in
colorado man yeah
yeah a lot of mexican martinez was there
fantastic mexican food there’s a
place called papusas
and boulder holy shit
you gotta get the menudo
it’s the real deal man
organs in there and bones and shit
menudo and there’s
organs in it it’s
spectacular
that’s what menudo is
oh really do you know what
menudo is it’s not a
band i thought it was a gay band
it was a band
but it’s also a soup it’s this crazy like
beef and pork soup
i mean i don’t
even know what the fuck the ingredients are
cause they’re different
everywhere you go
everybody’s got
their own different way of making menudo
but what it is is some disgusting
fantastic beautiful creation of
where someone’s not even
worried about what something looks like
there’s bones in there
literally stomach
tripe and there’s
pieces of organs like
pieces of liver
it’s delicious
fucking fantastic
and it just looks like hell
this looks like hell it’s so good it’s supposed to be
really good
after hangovers too
wow i bet and if anybody knows anything
about hangovers it’s mexicans
they know what the fuck to do
they’ve got it down to a science
throw a bunch of
organs and bones into a bowl and
fucking heat that shit up
mexican women are so horny
are they yeah my friend
no no my friend has this mexican girl
every time i see him
together with her
it’s just non stop
she’s on grinding she’s moaning she’s kissing his neck
she has three kids two
three separate fathers
and she’s twenty one she’s what
but she is fucking so hot
and that’s all she does she has one
drink she is just whoa
what a good kid yeah
well there’s
a reason why there’s a lot of mexicans okay
it’s just a fact
they they’re
breeding okay
so the mexican
closer to the you know it’s
funny the mexican guys are awesome rapists
yeah the mexican girls
must be horny
there’s just no
other way around it they know they don’t report too
but there are a lot of high catholics
in there why
would they they love
babies you know
the problem
is i know if
i hung out with a girl like that
super hot latino’s 21
and she had
three babies and there was no condom around i’d
still be like oh fuck okay
right let’s just chance it yeah you
would probably fuck her and then
later i’d be like what was i doing
in the poor
communities man it’s not a problem having kids
you know it’s like in
when you get
older the real
issue is the reason why people
want abortions because they don’t want a kid ruining
their life quote
unquote you
know but in poor communities
like oh my god she’s
gonna have a baby she’s only 16 that’s so crazy
like they don’t
you know oh yeah your mama she was only 16
too it’s crazy
you both got the same shit
you know and like it’s okay
and everyone’s living together so it’s alright
and they all help take care of the baby and it’s all
family you know
poorer communities
what they do is there’s more of them in
smaller places
and they have like a tighter
knit sense of family
you get a big ass place with
a family that’s like
spread out where you the moms
never over the
house and grandmas
never over it’s like you see them on
rare occasions and holidays and shit
that’s not how mexicans rocket they
stack everybody together let’s all get in the
house together
that’s really a better way to
live as your
family is cool
my friend’s fiance
um she is big into like
rescuing dogs and stuff
and she hates
mexicans because of the way they just like
they take puppies and then they’re just now they’re
adults now let them go
they just wander around aimlessly
in those neighborhoods like all the mexicans i
know when you’re really poor
you don’t fucking give a shit about dogs
looking at everything
you’re on team people
you know that’s just how it goes
yeah i could see that too if i was mexican
or if i was poor and i was living in some community
you know probably love dogs and
everything but there’s only so many
things you can
think of you know
thing number one is you got to get the fuck out of this
crazy neighborhood
then worry about dogs hmm mm hmm
so did you see the
vice guide to
north korea
yes that one
is crazy how they like the food
they don’t have really shitty
crappy food and they have this
whole display that
tricks you into
thinking that they have a
bunch of food well we’re not doing a good
description
first of all
it’s vbs tv
there’s a show called the
vice guide to
travel and they go all over the
place the scariest one my favorite one’s liberia
but the north
korea one was interesting too
what brian is
trying to say is that what they did is they set up the
whole situation
because they knew that
these guys were
journalists
to try to trick people into
thinking that they have this luxurious
way of living
just like the western world and
even though
they are a communist society and they’re you
know run by a dictator
that you know
how we can go get something to eat but all
these things they realize we’re just set up for them
right when they went to restaurant
there was no
other patrons
tables are set up there was waiters and waitress
but there was no one else there so just somebody’s like
houses it wasn’t yeah they
weren’t real restaurants
they literally set up food for
these people and set up like a servers to so that they
would have good propaganda so they would
and they would
bring out really good looking food
and put it on all the
other tables almost like if it was like a wax turkey
you know so like it looked
like wow look at all that really good food and then he
would get served
what he said was like
you know over fried crap
you know like it
was like horrible food well they
weren’t really a restaurant i
loved their food
so it was like a
trick the whole
thing was like a
trick and what’s
crazy is like that’s almost like the
whole country almost are they just this huge
trick yeah they have nuclear weapons you know
they do yeah
they do have nuclear i got it’s too late
i mean that the real
issue is stuck now
it’s that’s an old school
dictatorship there’s one guy who’s running shit
and he’s got nuclear weapons i mean
that’s a rare situation
where you have one guy who’s
essentially running a
whole country
and the military
is gigantic they have like a million people in
their military
the military’s huge
he would suck
those that host
guy i don’t know if you remember this part at all
where he got
drunk and he was hanging out with
a soldier doing karaoke
singing and he insulted him somehow
yeah it was that
drunk he was just being a drunk
douche you know
like he was just a bad
drink the host is what i’m saying
oh the fat guy yeah
that guy annoys the fuck out of me that host i’m
sorry if he
listens or anything but that guy was kind of
annoying and kind of douchey
ass holey really yeah
i don’t know
well you know
i mean i think he felt
like that guy was playing him to him and that guy was
his like the guy was like a personal propaganda agent
he’s probably trying to fuck with the guy
just even for
the film to make the film more interesting
right you know
try to get but he said something of it was really mild
so whatever he said and it insulted this guy yeah
i got really
crazy where he wanted to kill him now
this is for phil
like vice guy yeah
it’s a web show you can
watch on the web
vbs tv it’s
fucking fantastic man there’s so much shit there
i have problems
with me with
like for me it’s like
one o’clock
in the morning i have to decide okay i can’t
watch documentary now because if i do
i’m not gonna
sleep for like five
hours i’m just
gonna stay up and i’m just good because i’ll go one
to the other to the
other then i
start writing and it
started writing
things down
about these different documentaries and
the bbs place is the
worst website
to go to at one o’clock in the morning for me
cause that’s just doom i just go
right off the deep end
and then you go and
start looking at the internet oh yeah
oh yeah and i
start yeah researching
other sources and writing
things down and make sure to talk
about this on the podcast and
you know write a bit
about that and
how the fuck is this
still going on in
2011 blah blah
blah did you hear what trent reznor did the other day
i mean this is what’s so fucking cool
about trent reznor
he just released
a website that has
every single
tour date that he’s ever done you know in like the last
past 20 years or whatever
you know they have all the tours
you know and then
they’re adding
soundboard audio from each
tour and you can download it for free wow so i
went back and
found like the dates that
i went to see him
and i’m gonna like
the ones i went
only a couple you can have the
whole concert
yeah you can have the
whole concert for free
the one that you went to like fucking 15 years ago so
this is gonna be a trip recorded
every concert he ever did
i guess so like only
i mean there’s a lot of them that are up yet
you know but there’s a lot of them that are
you know damn that’s gonna
crush it server
oh it was so
crushed when
i got it yesterday
right when he
announced it and it was like five minutes i was
you couldn’t even get
it on yeah i was downloading one and it said you like
estimated like
three days i
would like to find three days
his bandwidth fees are
gonna be for this yeah how does he pay
for i guess he’s got
money but just shit
he’s balling
he’s all like yoked out now
trent reznor
is like a fuck yeah
start working out
it’s a big meathead he’s got like a big
thick neck and shit
i wish he would come on
a podcast he
would be the most interesting podcast
did you make nice
nights with him
a long time ago you met him backstage and you know you
did i ever talk
about this no
no okay this is
a great story
cool story so like
before the internet was like
big at all i don’t even
think it existed or just you
know only like
schools had it or whatever
what year are we talking
about this is like ninety
three maybe i don’t know internet
wasn’t much wasn’t much
um i was a manager of a record
store and uh
i used to always have free cds and
stuff like that and i’m just sitting at my home once
going man i i wish i
could meet trent reznor he was like my hero you know
and um so i looked at the
back of the cd and there was an address that said like
whatever nothing records cleveland
ohio and had like a
zip code or you know had the
whole address i
wrote this thing saying
hey i’m a manager of a record store
i have like a
nine inch nail fan club
that it’s about
100 people read this newsletter i do and
stuff and i
was wondering if there’s any way i can interview them
or take photos
you know and
stuff and they’re like
of course send us a copy of it so
i was like oh fuck now i have to make a copy so i did
issue seven
and i had like letters to the editor
which it was like
sam what’s trent
you know favorite food and i
would like make shit up
you built a fake newsletter yeah it’s a fake newsletter
like it’s somewhere at my
house and then i
had fake articles
to take that
thing and scan it but i know
it’s somewhere it’s a
great story you
should tell that
story and scan
that newsletter and put it online right
they should
totally and so then you
know how big was it
eight by 10
yeah it’s eight by 10 was
about five pages long
and so then this person
called me actually
back and goes dude we love this newsletter
you can have any concert
record label any
marilyn manson concert
you know anything on his record
label you get full access backstage you get full
photo passes to anything you want to
and so welcome aboard brian
you know this is awesome whoa
and so then i just
started going to
every single concert possible i got to hang backstage
i mean i was talking to
trent and taking
photos i was
the thing that made me the
worst how many people were back there
no no not many
i mean how many
20 30 at a time
you were what at one of 20 or 30 how the
other ones were
quote unquote
journalists
i think i was the only one whoa that’s
crazy yeah what was kind of crazy is
imagine this if
you grew up loving nine
snails and i know
you at the time
maybe 18 19 something like that
and actually i was younger than that it’s like 17
whoa yeah and so imagine going from
your idol i mean trent was my idol he was the only
musician i liked
then going to here like
here’s the stage
trent’s right here i’m taking
photos he sees me and starts singing right into the
into the camera
so i have all these photos where he’s just screaming
right into my camera
and i didn’t have a real camera i used my dad’s old
camera and i was trying to learn how to use a manual
film camera so half the photos are blurry but it’s
probably cool that they’re blurry dude
some of them are
crazy like really cool
thing that makes me mad about
those shits online
they are online they’ve been online so they
are yeah just
nine inch nail red band on google
i’ll find it but then
i used to go to marilyn manson’s i did it with
marilyn manson and one time
i was hanging out backstage with
marilyn manson this is when
marilyn manson
first came out and he was like you know
beautiful people you know
stuff like that
and he goes brian go
do you live around here
right and i’m like yeah i live across the
street and he goes
go give me a razor
and i’m like really what okay
marilyn manson
marilyn manson
marilyn manson told you go get a
razor yeah whoa
and there was all these fans around him like what
chicks and shit like that there was women
block like the tour bus
they were laying on the
street in front of the the
wheels so that they couldn’t drive away on
twitter is it on
that blog it’s on
flickr but if you just google red band nine inch nail
photos or something like that or in in photos
so so so marilyn
so he tells me to get a
raise so i go inside running grab a
razor run back
and he’s like
thanks watch this
brian this is fucked up
hey who wants me to
shave a circle on the top of their head
and then these girls are like ah
so this beautiful
woman comes up and she’s like i want you to do it
and he goes
he starts just shaving in
a little bald spot on the top of her head like a monk
wow wow wow
like a ball
patch yeah wow
and they were into it they’re like
photos photos alright look at that
and you know what’s also
crazy is hanging out with jim rose
circus remember
those guys jim rose
circus yeah
i spoke behind him that’s awesome
back in the day i used to you know hang out with
them too because they used to open up for nine inch
nails and it
was just being backstage with like the puzzled peep
guy and the guys that hangs
great photos man yeah
that was like
i mean i didn’t know
i had no idea what i was doing
folks if you just google go to
flickr fli ckr
com and you
just google
redbann nin
photos and i’ll take you to the website
they’re fucking
great photos and
i wish trent reznor
would come on this podcast do you know him
no no i mean
back in the day it was like he was just blowing
that was during the
you know when he was just
becoming big you know like fuck me like an animal
and all that crap
damn that was a huge song
and that was gigantic
well people
and so i also did i also did
a remix of that
did he really
no he did hurt
oh that’s them yeah yeah
imagine if you
did fuck you like an animal with that gravelly old
man voice i
wanna fuck you
like an animal
i was talking to this girl the
other day about that
and they were like
she goes i love this song
it was hurt
and then i was like yeah
i like the original better though actually and she goes
she goes oh
what are you talking
about this is the original i’m like no
nines nails and she
had no idea who really
why are you saying
those words
too many songs
to really be up on all of them there’s no way
it’s weird because i’ve done that a few times
where i’m like this is an
awesome song not realizing it wasn’t even the original
song i heard buffalo soldiers
i only it was a buffalo
who did um what’s
named it was neil young
right and bob marley
bob marley but did neil
do it no who’s the guy who redid
one of his songs
oh i shot sheriff who
did we did that eric clapton
yeah i’d only
heard that and i heard
bob marley’s version i was like
what is this
who’s that girl
swinging in the middle sucks
yeah it’s kind of
weird that people can do that
just kind of like redo your shit yeah that most people
are wrong it’s
weird and like that you don’t have to you have to get
permission right
i don’t know if you get
permission you have to pay them by the moralities
yeah but it’s
weird you know like i
think it would be
better if it was like this
right i think it
would be better if it was like that like
man go write your own fucking song
every now and then then it comes out badass though
mm hmm there’s a few ones
there was a kid
cudi song that
i forget the name of the female that redid it
one of his songs
a hundred times better
sort of girl
singing it than
came to the version of
smells like teen
spirit it’s pretty great
yeah tori amos
that bitch used to
whale on that fucking piano
she’s one of the
weirdest singers ever man there was something like
super hyper
sexual fucking
creepy weirdo
about hair yeah
everything singing
screaming into the
piano when she’s fucking slam yeah you can barely
understand the words but brilliant
piano playing an incredible
voice that was a preacher
wasn’t that was
molestation son
oh wow some girls
become strippers
some girls can sing
multi grammy winning artists
yeah boy you best pray that i
bleed real real soon
how’s that thought for you
that was one of our lines remember that
boy you best pray that i
bleed real soon
like fucked up
that’s fucked up and shot a load in me
sparky and it’s already
should have come
but i hope the next couple days we’re
ready to make people
uh oh that’s
scary how’s that for a what
how it the line is boy you best pray that i
bleed real soon
how’s that thought for you
wow because you know
i so you found a girl
thinks really deep thoughts
that’s the the words
what’s so amazing
about really deep thoughts boy you best pray that i
bleed real soon how’s that
thought for you
yeah like fuck real
thoughts fuck this amazing
deep here’s reality
deep girls i just
wanna you know i wonder
come back to reality
i so don’t need to get my period thoughts from girls
you know george harrison said this once
and it’s a brilliant
quote and i use it all the time
all i need from a girl is to be attracted to her
everything else i get from a man
it’s really true
i mean you know you
should have
women in your
life that you have good conversations with and
that you enjoy
their company and you know you know you
share a lot of interest
so that’s all good there’s nothing
wrong with that
but if you don’t
you’re gonna be okay
you know as long as you have friends and you have
chicks that you’re attracted to
there’s guys who live
happy lives
contrary to popular belief
where they just have
girls that they
have sex with and they just attracted to them
and they have all
their interesting time and fun with
their friends
the bachelor culture
for a lot of guys man that bachelor
culture is so fucking
like the idea of being like
a bachelor forever that’s so tempting
dudes that are roped down and terrible
marriages and their wife
scream at them
until i can
think of right now is like i’m just
enjoying single
i don’t want to deal with any sort of responsibility
it’s anything that comes attached to that very
tricky it’s very
tricky i am happy
but i realize that i don’t have to be i
could very well be with some
crazy bitch who
doesn’t like kids
or she has some
unfulfilled
dreams that she feels like
these children are holding her back from
that’s an issue with a lot of girls
and then all of a
sudden there’s some
weird resentment because
they have to take care of the children
more than the father does because the dad has to work
i have a few friends that had kids
that they would have that
issue with the wife
would be mad at them
that they didn’t have to deal with the kids all day
and she would like immediately
give them the kids as soon as they get home and the
wife would just
lock herself in the bathroom and
fill the tub up and
wouldn’t answer questions and
leave me alone like
just this weird
chaos inside your
house and your family yeah
so for guys like that
man then they have a friend who’s like just in case
like i grew up
around a lot of pool players
and a lot of pool players are lifelong bachelor’s
some of them wind
up having kids here and there some of them even get
married for a little bit
the last because most of
them are playing pool till five o’clock in the morning
every fucking day and they’re gambling
they’re going on the road and they’re
going to tournaments they’re
traveling all over the country and
it’s just a wild life
and then like the 1940s
and the 50s in america there was this big bachelor
culture of pool halls
that’s why pool
halls were always associated with like dead beats and
people doing the
wrong thing and
bad people hanging out in
places it’s because
those are the guys that didn’t get
wives and kids and didn’t get regular jobs
and just said i don’t
wanna be a fucking
slave i don’t
wanna live a shit life
i wanna have fun
i wanna play ten thousand dollar sets at
three o’clock in the morning
you know they it’s just
they just decided that it
would be more fun that do you
think a lot of it has to do with divorces
yeah fucking divorce is terrible man
crushes people that’s what it seems
like you go
through one divorce man it ain’t like a
breakup man
i have friends
i have one friend that’s been divorced twice
this fucking
dummy is in his
third marriage now he’s been divorced
twice so wait most of
those bachelors are saying
were had been divorced
no i mean i’m a divorce
like divorced
fam like mom and dad was divorced i don’t want to
that’s why you
might want to be a bachelor
because i know
i don’t know i
think a lot of it is bad relationships man
it’s hard it’s hard to be
happy i know a few people like that
that their version of relationship was bad
their mom dad
always fought and like i just don’t want to do that
there’s that yeah
or they don’t want to get
married but they don’t mind staying with somebody
there’s that
but there’s also
it’s fucking very difficult
especially i feel like on the east
coast on the east
coast i found it much harder because a lot of the
women were harder they did had this like a lot of
like like hard edge sort of you
know brassy
tough girl kind of shit
which i don’t find
attractive at all i find that repulsive
like girls like
their hands on
their hips and they want to talk shit and getting
insult battles with you you know
good luck hooker
you know take care i’m
so not into that like getting into arguments and chicks
i mean how many times have you
dated girls like that
yeah most of the time
no i’m not into
that man you can’t talk shit to me you can’t
talk shit to me if you’re my friend and you can’t talk
shit to me if you’re dating
if you want to
start insulting me and getting
stupid for no
reason it’s like why
because they want to because they’re
frustrated or they want to pick on something about you
know god forbid if you’re not the most
successful guy
you know god forbid if you know you’re in
the middle of trying to put something together and they
start criticizing you
i’ve had i’ve had relationships with girls
where they like you know would
critique what i’m doing and you know
what what’s
gonna happen if that
doesn’t pan out for you and talk all kinds of
crazy shit like i don’t know what’s
gonna but if you don’t pan out for you what i’m like
bitch i’m twenty one or
why are you getting so
crazy like what am i doing
with you settle
down trying to
blow loads okay that’s
the only reason why we’re hanging around you’re my
my pussy dealer
you know you’re
my goddamn vagina dealer and you’re insulting me
i try to get my fix i’m
gonna have to get it somewhere else yeah
black chick
it’s cheaper
that’s what it is bad expect
it becomes like some sort of a fucking a sex barter
system you’re willing to tolerate nonsense
until you get
older and then when you get
older you kind of
understand who you are
and you attract people that are a little
smarter and a little more experienced
in life and then you can have real relationships
with people that you actually find interesting
when i start
going on dates
i was just trying to make the girl feel happy
oh you know i mean like
i was just like just have her keep talking what fart
crotch shot
just take a look at my dick
but just have her keep talking i’d be
fine just make sure she’s having a good time and then
later it’s like i
wanna have a good time too
let’s talk about
stuff for both of them too you know what i like i like
finding a girl
that’s really
young like 22
and then them having
complete like all
right i trust you
you know like here let me teach you
about this let me teach you
about this and they listen you know so
if somebody came to me when i was 22 years old
and gave me guidance
creep gave me guidance
that would be guidance
from who though man
maybe you shouldn’t be
giving guidance
no no i mean
they’re looking for her father
you know and you like to
like little
things like i just
ever join yeah
guess i’m not to get too high
gotta know when to back off exactly like
hey you know
you don’t know when to stop you
think getting drunk is
great just take
you know three
drinks and then take a water
oh that makes
sense i could do that yeah
things like little
things like that management
that is an art that is
very important because i’ve been out so many times with
people and they just want to keep
going come on one other
drink no drink
like i don’t need another
drink why do you need me to have another
drink i’m happy right now
we don’t all need to go to
oblivion together if you want to go to oblivion i’ll be
right here and i’ll tell you what really go for it
i’ll show you
where your room is
i don’t have to go to oblivion too stupid
enablers they’re
looking for someone to make them feel better
about it i’m
gonna dive in with them let’s go into the
crazy pool come on man
i’m going to the
crazy pool don’t you
wanna go in the crazy pool
yeah like i’ll be
right here sunbathing
right next to the
crazy pool so
brian you’ve been having
a lot of issues with girls man in your life i think
i think we need to
write a book
change the name to protect the nsa
because this shit is just too good
yep it’s too much good
stuff going on like
a soap opera
twix eviction
he’s um look
brian i think
it cannot be disputed that you are in fact a pimp
no you got bitches
i would if i was all in
if i didn’t
wouldn’t want to murder so many bitches
well you should wait
no pimps love to murder bitches
no i’m not gonna murder anyone
are you concerned to
think that i
would actually murder
oh you mean like somebody else murders her
that could be happening the podcast oh
see we don’t do this like a lot of
those other guys bro this is live
i don’t know okay
this shit is
gonna get on
the internet no matter what it’s on the internet
right now it’s already there
probably chopping this
thing up and making a
video of that as we
speak so you
should be careful
you should be very careful what you say
you’re paranoid
no not you um
shit seriously
you look crazy we should we
should change the name to protect the innocent
you write a book
days of your lives because it’s fabulous the
story is fabulous
you what you should
you really should do
what you really
should do is
start experiments
what do you mean like with them yeah
start life is an experiment
joe just like yours yeah
i know life’s an
experiment we’re in the labs
we are in the labs
what are you guys talking
about we’re meeting
with you yeah
there was a few people when i used to
when i first
moved to california
one of the weird things is
when you meet
people that are like i’m sure you’ve met a ton of
these people
that are in
open mic nights that have no
chance there’s
zero missing yeah
what is that how
weird is that feeling that’s why
you staying with this you’ve been this more than like
three times like why
yeah there’s something absolutely
wrong with them there
for a couple years you like
you’re not getting any response so they
would become my science projects
and i would
literally make notes
i would be like okay now i see some resentment
starting to show
didn’t have resentment before
but now there’s some resentment we’re
about five years into this
thing and now they see that
other people are actually making a living
going out and getting gigs
and i would like be in the back of the comedy
store and people be pissed that no one
would take them on the road with them
and i’m like whoa
like you don’t even see your own self
why do you think you
should like you’re not good you don’t do well
those are the
weirdest nights when someone
would go up like damon
wayans would show up
and you know out of in the middle of
like sunday
night you know there
be a lineup and you know a
bunch of comics like
maybe get on
maybe you don’t
and then damon
wayans would show up and some guys but fucking
bullshit man the fuck man he’s taking my fucking
stage time and you’re like whoa whoa whoa whoa dude
you really shouldn’t be on
stage at all
and sunday and probably
weren’t even
gonna get up there
let’s be honest you were only
gonna get up there what are you
gonna do or show up
yeah exactly that’s the
other problem they
would do the same
stuff the guys at the comedy
store hate it when people come in like on
sundays and
monday nights the
pop pop at night
and they go on like during the employee section
but they hate
it more if they’re just doing the material they’ve all
heard a thousand
times like why did you come here during our sets yeah
come do the same crap you’ve been doing
the only reason why i
could see anyone wanting
to do that is if you’re just looking for a tune up set
yeah you know it’s like you
yeah but that
would be fine up in a
while and you want to just kind of like some showcase
something loosen up
you don’t do it on
friday night the comedy
store was the most
the i’ve never been to a
place where people like felt like
you’re taking away from
their time it’s because
junkies you’re taking away
their fucking
juice yeah that’s all it is yeah
we’re stephanie
escalated once
david tell came in was like his
first time coming in for like years that i’ve seen and
she was like you to go on
and like we’re all like oh cool we
could see david tell
and and he’s
like no i don’t bump anybody she was like i’m sure
no one will mind it was like what are you talking about
of course they’ll mind they’ll
understand but they don’t want it to happen don’t mind
yeah if red fox came out of the
grave and was like i want to go on next like
right after me
would be the
best time to go on yeah people get pissed yeah
yeah it’s a tricky
thing man that the bumping comedians
thing and it gets real
tricky when guys
use it as like a douchebag move when they purposefully
do it and they don’t
wanna call in they don’t wanna
they don’t want
schedule in advance they want that
clout of being able to just walk in and go on
stage like look at me i’m here
forget what you were doing
look at me i’m here
i have that problem all the time do you jumping in
like you just go in there and just get that love yeah
what do you do with it when you get the love
give it to somebody
oh you’re so sweet
some behind what
so um do you
think this is
gonna have a
happy ending your scenario
it’s pretty
crazy right now
yeah can you
get over it
in a year you won’t talk
about it all
within like a year you want that well the
summary is within
a year the other
two will both be pregnant with his baby
summary is ex
girlfriends all seem to be knowing each other and
combining to form
voltrons of let’s work together to get each other
to get him back
but they know what they’re trying to do like
all using each other to
to get each other back
to get each
other back and
to get you somehow
stay in my life here’s
the deal dude as long as you keep smiling you win
okay as long as
you keep smiling you always win no matter what they do
if it doesn’t hurt your feelings
you always win
exactly exactly
they become parts your act
building my own material and if
they’re not your act
motherfucker they’re
gonna be my act cuz i’m thinking
about talking about it
oh they’re in my act cuz i got a
whole a whole bit that i’ve been working on for years
that you pay
you pay bro you pay
no matter what you pay
it’s fucking
you know you can’t
first of all you can’t fuck over your head
don’t try don’t do it you can’t fucking
don’t do it fuck fuck people that are actually
attracted to you your
speed don’t go
crazy when you
start fucking over your head
it runs you into deep water
every time sometimes
that’s just fucking over your head is just a
title like wow you won this title
if you didn’t have this
title you’d be
a little bit
in their head as being
above your head
you know what the fuck did you just say i’m trying
i’m trying to
tiptoe around
things joe i know what you’re trying to do
buddy you know
like if you’re what you’re saying is that
i’ll make it
briefer what
you’re saying is that it seems like they’re
above your head
it’s only because they have this
label but in reality they’re not
right if they did not have that
label of that one certain award
right then you are just a
crazy fucking person that’s
right but that’s the only
reason that’s not
above my head that’s that you
know well she is hot as shit
so sort of is
above your head
well see you guys
don’t see anything
except the photoshopped
version what do you mean
i’ve met her
what are you talking
about are that her or
yeah or done up
to be that character
you better hang
it out let me
tell you something not
every girl can get
done up to be that character
you know how much makeup
would be so
popular if that was the case if they look like ugly
bitches could just
throw something like that pixie
dust on their face
we’re not saying you’re an ugly guy
bro don’t get me
wrong you’re a very handsome
young man you have
beautiful features
especially when you
clean shaven
why it takes years i don’t know what i’m saying i’ve
dated some beautiful women
in my life and
i’ve been handsome
that’s not what i’m saying
what i’m saying
is yeah i know what you’re in once
we shouldn’t even really talk
about you i have a better story
there’s a guy that i know that was actually a rock star
and he was living with this
chick and he eventually got
married to her and she was way hotter than him
and everyone
knew that it was just a matter of time she was just
literally she just
was waiting to
stick her needle in him she was
just like not
yet not yet not
yet married mmm
let me see if i
could do a year we
married a year
if i could do two years i’m
gonna make more money
let’s see if i can make
three years she made it
about three years that’s
fucking needle in there and just
started sucking money and
blood out of them and just vanished and
changed and became a totally different person and
hired lawyers who attacked
no prenuptial of course so she’s just
raping and pillaging like a fucking
monster just tore through his life
like all sudden
she pulls off her mask and she shows what happened
he robbed he got robbed
she robbed him
she fucked him
she sucked his dick she did it all for like
three or four years
and then she robbed him she
literally robbed
him she made millions and millions of dollars
and he was he’s a really unattractive guy and he’s
small and he’s got like little hands and he’s
not he’s nothing manly
about her and
this girl is like she’s like an
alpha she’s an
alpha female she’s got a hot body
you know she’s like in
shape and young and like
and she came from
she like other relationships
where she was dating pro athletes and a
bunch so she had been like
targeting people
like for a while
and she just went
after this guy and robbed a man
and that was a
clear example fucking over your head for this poor fuck
and he was just
bonkers over it just bonkers man he took her everywhere
on the road
with them yeah he helped let her
design the house they
built the house the
other said you get your asshole looked
right just one time and you’re fucking
hey man if you’re some
little weasley dude with terrible genetics
and you know just you
know just happen to be like really good at a certain
area of music and
you know you
start making you know
you know people like
cheer when they see you on
stage and you know
this bitch just
started racking up dollar signs in her head
but the scary
thing from all his friends was how it
changed like
overnight like when she decided to sink the needle in
it was like all
right games over games over
she’s over it’s on
yeah look i’m
not attracted to you i’m not into you i don’t love you
and this poor fuck
tried to bring it back he
tried he didn’t
understand he didn’t get it
something must be
wrong what did i do
wrong we can make it work out i
don’t like you
just got she got
crazy and angry it’s so pathetic i really
i thought i mean i this is
the most pathetic i’ve ever seen you just attacking him
and abusing him this poor fuck
tried to keep her around
you know just like i’m not
gonna make this
the marriage hard i’m not
gonna make divorce hard i just want you to be
happy good i want to be
happy too like just
anger just no love
and just suck the
money from him sucked it
yeah i got the
i got the you know if we
break up you’ll come walk
crawling back to me yeah at
least i can
i said again
again and you will won’t you
huh you will
i mean if she be
they fucking hook you dude i get it
they fucking hook you if it’s
three o’clock in the morning and you’re
standing there
like sort of halfway committed to masturbating
while you’re
watching television
you know you’re like playing with your underwear
while you’re
watching tv like
should i beat off you know that foggy thing
for most women
don’t know this but most men
while we’re
watching tv alone
we’re in a constant
state of semi masturbation so just do it yeah
where your hand is always on your dick and you’re
always adjusting your balls or you’re rubbing your dick
just to see
if dick could get hard
right now i’m watching
documentary on killer whales
let’s see if my dick gets hard
that would be
crazy my dick discard
hard right here
while i’m watching
these killer
whales the thumb comes out of your
mouth and onto your
dick no they don’t do that stuff
but if that was going
on no i mean like you
start off you’re born with your
thumb in your
mouth and then when you
grow old it goes to your dick
really okay
anyway if all this is
going on and you’re in your underwear
watching tv
three o’clock in the morning and
you open up the door and she was there
you would go
come on in of course
next thing you know
mouth would i
boom boom no
no i would say that but if she was
if she showed up in a fur coat
now she opens a fur coat and
she’s lingerie
shut your mouth of course you would
if you don’t if you don’t
call me at three
o’clock in the morning and i’ll come over and slap you
and i’ll put a camera
on you so i
could have the most
mediocre sex i’ve ever had yes oh that’s
true that’s not true no it is true what listen
you just gotta get better
at making noises
what’s that
about what kind of okay
i guess you could
say that or i can go through the no
no no don’t
don’t be nice no no i’m just
saying what
you’re saying i know you’re saying but you don’t need
to i know you’re saying you don’t want to do that
yeah um yeah well you
know what man a lot of people that moments of weakness
every ex girlfriend i have
great sex yeah
yeah moments of weakness
especially my
dick even the ugly ones that are like jewy with
like four kids that i liked when i was like 15 i was
still like all
right let’s do this i have very little
confidence in myself with my dick is hard making
smart choices
especially if i was
alone in my house and
halfway masturbating
dude yours we’re so
mad though it’s so true
jerk off first then
think about
it yeah that’s
legitimate advice it works that is
legit advice so i used to
we used to say that me
and my friend
jimmy did tell
you when we
lived together in walt
at massachusetts where we
would go out
to avoid making fucking big mistakes
we used to like actively say that and do it like all
right remember you
gotta beat off
first before you leave the
house or you’ll fucking
chase after bad
dreams and i
would fucking make sure
just as a rule
you know we
lived together we had a
stack of pornos most of them that i
stole from my stepfather
well fucking cases of fucking vhs tapes of porn
i stole some of them bitches when you ain’t
gonna say shit
these are mine
i moved out or
when i came back home
but i felt terrible your dad yeah my stepdad
so great is it where my
god damn it
playboy always make sure that you know
always got to make sure you peed off
first before you leave the house
one time i walked in
on him beating off the living room was so embarrassing
you’re done no no no no my friend jimmy oh
not my stepdad
did he jump up
no no he was
laughing he was
laughing he stopped though yeah he stopped
you know he just
turned sideways so i couldn’t see his dick
he was naked in the living room
you fucking freak we
lived a little
mess apartment yeah it was a tiny
apartment it
was just a living room and two bedrooms he went there
and you had two bedrooms
well you know the tv in
his room he didn’t have a tv in his room at the time i
think we own a tv in the living room
that’s what it was
was he watching porn do what you
gotta do yeah he’s
watching oh okay so he had to be there
but there’s
gotta be a reason to do it there
i think i went to a gig
i think i went to a gig and i was just home
earlier than he thought you know
that was the salad days
back in the day
waltham massachusetts
right in front of the burger king
you ever have ingram tell you
about about when he walked in and his
girlfriend fucking his best friend whoa what
he got home
early from chili’s one day oh my
god i’m off
early and he came home he’s like wow
wow that’s fucking
crazy that’s nuts
i’m glad that
never happened to me i
would not know how to
that’s such a
it’s one thing if she’s fucking some
other dude it’s something
he was letting you stay there
like he was like alright you can stay here
while you’re and then
some bitches are
crazy man some bitches just can’t help
themselves when they’re around a man they want that
man to want
to fuck them
and it’ll get real
close and they don’t mean to do it
but once their
pussy gets wet
and that guy touches
it and then his dick is hard all of a sudden now
we’re doing whoops
it’s in there it’s in there it’s in there
and the friend too is not thinking
clearly either
you can’t think
clearly man
hard dicks are
monsters they’re
monsters hard dicks have minds of
their own hard
what you think
that’s right
heart dicks yeah
what the fuck is that
that’s my new
baby the most
motivational
self help books called heart dick
what i’m trying to do is combine men and
women together i mean men are
basically dicks and women have
heart you know
and together we’re all
happy we need heart dick
it’s like goop like the gwyneth paltrow website i’ll
start a website called heart dick
it’s probably already registered
there’s probably
some dork out there in australia
right now to
slam my keyboards too
late heart dick
com i could see the graphic
man the top
would be the
head and then we’ll come down to two balls and come
under it look like i like it yeah
that’s cool
heart any designer out there make a
heart dick and you can
make the bottom is like fades to pink and little hairs
unless you’re black you can get a black version too or
heart dick is a
fuck fucking big
giant chimpanzee
black balls
this week chimpanzees have the biggest balls ever
do they really yeah if i if my balls were
black if i was a
black guy i’d want like chimp size balls
i heard over michael do a really good joke
about when he said
you think i have small shoes you do you
think small shoes means oh it was a fucking
puppet comic a black guy with an old
white guy puppet that’s who told the joke
but he goes oh i know what the girls are
thinking you must i must have a
small dick because my small shoes well
you know who else has small shoes horses
i feel like it’s fucking good that is
funny that old man
dummy that’s very good because a
horseshoe is only like as big as you yeah
and those dicks aren’t that
big yeah massive
that’s actually very funny man
horses don’t have such big balls
oh they taste the same
do they you know gorillas have little tiny ass balls
really yeah
i’ve done my
research and
no it’s true
we’ve actually gone over
this in the podcast before but i’ll do it just for the
point of this this particular
discussion for people who don’t want listen to
every fucking episode
or observe the
the size of your balls
is directly related to how many
female sluts there are in your community
why are my balls so much bigger
this is why you grew up with whores okay
or at least my ancestors did yes someone
grew up with whores
for real it’s true
when your body is producing
sperm a huge amount of
sperm like a great percentage of it
are attack sperm
that are they’re only around to kill other sperm
oh yeah so if
a guy shoots a load and some chicken and you come in
and you get sloppy seconds
your loads will go and kill his loads wow
yeah that’s why chimps have big balls
cause chimp girls are whores
like there’s that bit that i used to do in my act
about chimpanzees it’s a true
story about
they did studies on chimps
they taught them that if they gave them
they taught them the
value money and they taught the chimps that they
would give them coins
and if they
gave the coins back they give them food so they realize
these coins represent food and they would do
things to earn the coins
and then they
would get food from it
the first thing that chimps did
was give the coins to the female chimps and fuck them
it was the first
thing they did
they went right up to
him and they were like look i got this this is for food
and the female chimps
would go they
would get their food
they would eat
their food and they
would just like
stick their
pussy out on the male chimps
because they wanted to fuck anyway yeah
well they wanted to fuck anyway and they would
allow it like whenever the male chimp wanted it like
right away it
wouldn’t have to be him chasing
her around the fucking cage all day and then finally
she says okay okay fine that’s what most of it is
it’s the human
equivalent to the sympathy hand job
exactly you
know it’s just like in the chimp
world the chimp pimps you know
they can just kick back and
relax and then they’re more
attractive because
they’re not constantly chasing
after it the ones that are all needy
just like in real life
if you’re all needy chasing
after a girl over and over and over again
she’s like alright fine you can fuck me
but if you don’t even
hardly talk to her
and all the
other girls
are talking to you and then she’s like why is he
with them i’m surprised how
often girls when when you’re like i don’t really wanna
you know a girlfriend
they’re like wow that’s
that’s what i want and then how many of them like all
right it’s fine
we’ll do it on your terms
yeah but how many of them do it and try to
trick you like oh i don’t want a
boyfriend either yeah there’s a few
i’m not in there’s
definitely a few of those
they give it just because you’re interested or they’re
lying to themselves too
the reason why you can keep
these non monogamous
relationships is just because you’re an
she’s gonna be dating some boring
motherfucker that
sounds like yeah an accountant
or something who works all day and is exhausted at
night and you know
just get gout
getting fucking
hypertension
because he’s fucking stressed at work because he
needs to be
talking to his boss
about some sort of a
promotion they feel like there’s a
glass ceiling and you
know they’re dealing with nonsense man at
least you’re fun
you take a chick
to a comedy show just like look at this guy gets up on
stage and makes people laugh
yeah so you’re allowed to pull off this i don’t want a
girlfriend shit for the
only way i’m a dick is if you wake me up before noon
let me sleep then it’s like we’ll have
no problem i hate that why do they have to all wake up
early why i
always go wake up just go do whatever you want
do they really
oh man it’s all see it not the girls i did
well people with regular jobs to wake up
early because i used to it that’s true yeah you
gotta be careful
with the girl as a regular job or girls are like
hyper ambitious come on let’s go hiking
oh i hate that
i’ve never went skydiving i
wanna try skydiving and you’re
gonna go with me
bitch i am not
dying on a fucking
farm rooftop
i’m not gonna that’s not
gonna be the last
thing i see
as i go through the fucking roof of the barn
we never go on vacations
we never go hiking
we never go to
santa barbara what
santa barbara
is amazing this time of year come on let’s go if you
weren’t around
i would never even
think of doing that
yeah i mean there’s some fun shit you can do
you know as a couple
that you really can’t do with your buddies like you i
guess you could go wine tasting or something it
might be a fun weekend
cool go for a
drive great
to black out and get drunk
it’s cool to just do different
things man are you hurting
are you hurting are you hurting inside no i went to
santa barbara
and that’s what happened to me
there was like five wineries
all in a row and you just like walk from each one i do
it’s so expensive getting a
hotel in santa barbara we can only afford one
night which was like
350 dollars
santa barbara
has a lot of wineries too oh yeah
starts there yeah okay
it was like
350 at night so we
got this really nice or actually it was a pretty shitty
room me and katie
and we went to like five wineries and then
that you walked to them yeah you just walked
from winery
what they were they were
fronts where like you know they
stored oh i see
but you do wine
tastings there and it was
like you know down the
street or whatever
so you basically
drive just to
drink wine exactly but not even seeing the grapes
i thought that was part of the charm some
places you can do it well i mean i did
that where you pull over on the side
like here next five
miles it’ll be this place
go to the grocery
store grab some
grapes and look at them
and then go
into the wine
would you want to go to maynard’s
vineyards how cool is that maynard from tool
he’s got vineyards yeah
he’s a fascinating guy my buddy dustin
is a sound guy you know he does like
travels with bands and chips
and you know dustin
and dustin said he’s a
super cool guy and he just wants to train
jiu jitsu all the time he’s apparently really good at
jiu jitsu yeah
man is a phenomenal
jujutsu guys like hicks and gracie student
and like that’s he
brings dustin with him on the road
cause dustin can do jiu jitsu with him as well oh
and so they like set up the
sound and they have matt set up our house
train and then what he wants
train for like an hour and a half and shit
loves to roll go over techniques like really loves it
that last night in the winer though it was our
i mean when we were there that that
night after we went to five wineries
puking all night
like like laying on
floor can trying to drag her into bed and she
wouldn’t go so she
slept in the toilet
wine is so awesome when it’s good
you know i never travel like when i’m never
traveling happier
at like when i’m going
through the wine menu the one when i’m with lichtenberg
know lichtenberg
yeah you give that
guy the wine menu you don’t even ask you don’t say like
should we get this he just go dude
pick something cool
he knows exactly what to do
he’ll bring his own wine please
remember that wine crazy
thing he has dude he’s not fucking around i go over his
house bro he’s got this
giant walk in wine cellar
wow it’s all temperature controlled he’s got all
these bottles on the walls
and he’s got them all like segregated
these are from france so
these are california cats that’s his hobby
well he’s a master i mean he really knows his shit
i went to his birthday
and there was a wine tasting
party i tried writing a bit
about it and i started
towling around
stage but no one
could relate it was like so off the charts weird
so i’m there
right and you know
i enjoy wine it’s really good but everyone else at the
party is a wine connoisseur
so we have this tasting menu
where they’ll
bring over these little tiny
plates of food like different horderbes and stuff
and then they’ll bring over
a selection of wines to go with it
often two or
three different wines to go with it
and everyone will go over the selection
and then they’ll all talk
about it so
i had a recorder with me and i recorded it i wish i
could find it
because it was so
ridiculous it’s like
this one has a woody finish
yeah it’s like okey and the tannins
and then this one is corked and
someone would say i
think this one is corked and everyone else would join
and i’d be like this is my favorite one
the one that
you’re saying is bad is like my favorite one
like how do you
i don’t understand
they looked at
you as like a
saxon oh i was a
loser i mean
they have an
educated palette
and i’m like why
would you want your
sense of taste to be that educated why
would you want to be so goddamn specific
about wine well what is kind of cool
about that is there’s one i went to where
that the winery
is next to like a rose garden or something
and so they were like you can
taste the roses in it because it’s you know in the dirt
oh oh tony left a joint shut your
mouth next to
what tony who
tony henchcliff
left a joint next to a box in a bag
in a sealed bag next to a box of
those dryer sheets
yeah and the joint
tastes like yeah
tastes like
dryer sheets
oh my god when
you exhale only
yeah so this is
crazy through a
sheet through
a through a
ziploc bag it’s
crazy yeah this wine though
like they said
taste the roses and like you
drink it and you just have this
slight tint it’s kind of cool
thing right next to it
the air would
get into it
wow that’s kind of
freaky yeah wow
it’s two buck chuck very
you ever doing two buck chuck yeah
delicious charles
what is that is it
particles from the fucking rose the particles
what is it it’s
probably just from over the years you know of just
i don’t know do they really know is that like
these are science
guesses right
this is wineries
talking about
their product it’s the same
thing as a joint
the detergent
thing how does
it get to it i don’t know what is it
air but what happens in the air it’s like what’s
traveling over there
smells smell
smell is little tiny part of those
have no idea
gets in it that’s why my friends say when you
smell a fart that’s little
piece of shit it is
no that’s why it’s so offensive
well that’s one of the reasons why
grilling over wood is so delicious
it gets it in the
flavor dude
i have is down i know how to cook a
steak over mesquite
i always get mesquite hardwood like if you go to like a
whole foods
they don’t sell burkets like burkets are
all like you know he bought a kingsford on that shit
a lot of them they’re jammed full of
lighter fluid
you know the way that
the best way to cook
is you don’t use
you don’t use any lighter
fluid you just use
paper and one of
those cones you know they have
those like they’re like a volcano looks like
a chimney that’s what i love
yeah and so you pour all the coals in the chimney
and at the bottom there’s an area where you
stuff paper
so you light the
paper on fire and the
paper the flames go up it catches
the mesquite wood
you lay it down and then
once it gets to a certain
temperature when it’s like really red hot and just
steamed then you sear
it on each side
for two and a half minutes and you finish it on the top
and it just
smells like the wood and the
the fucking
meat is so delicious have you ever used one of
those chimney
sweep logs you know
where you put it in and
cleans your chimney out
those i guess that
cleans your chimney out
the fuck are you talking about
there’s a log that
clean if you
never know that oh that can’t be good
can you imagine
that be just
killing birds that’s
where all those birds are falling from the fucking
sky did one of
those right
you know how
about this man i was just
thinking about this
speaking of birds that fall from the sky
cause this really is kind of
bizarre you know
you know when people
think about the
apocalypse you know people think
about you know the end of days and shit like that
stuff like that happens this is the kind of shit they
talk about right
biblical yeah yeah
like dying fish and
dying birds and all
these things happening and frogs
what happened with that with the birds
they don’t well they’re
saying autopsies but they’re saying all kinds of
crazy shit like
some of them say that the birds like got scared by
sound and slammed into
into houses
wasn’t there more that’s
yes yesterday was chicago
they’re lying for sure but here’s the
thing they’re
guessing and they’re trying
to come up with some sort of an answer because i don’t
think they really know
they’re saying that
these birds have
they’re showing
trauma on their body
of course they’re showing
trauma they
fell from the fucking sky retard like
the idea that they ran into
houses and that’s how they died that’s
stupid because there’s not broken
houses and they
weren’t all around
houses exactly
and there’s no way they
would all be like near the
house if they’re all
slamming in the
houses they
would all be
right there i
heard they were
high up in hail
that eventually melted when it came down
lower so that
could be it that definitely
could be it or it
could be some poisonship
you know we talked
about that john
wheeler guy that
guy that was assassinated he was a chemical weapons
expert and you
know he was a chemical weapons
expert under george bush’s father
and he was involved
somehow another with the current administration they
found this guy tortured and murdered in a landfill
and this was like
right along the time that all this shit was going down
you know with
these birds falling from the sky and
these 100 000 fish turning up dead
you know and massive
fish kills sometimes that shit happens sometimes
you know sometimes things go
wrong or you know
pollutants get in the
water or you know
what if it’s just government testing
it could be
jet that’s a
smash or it
could be them testing chemicals
a conspiracy
worth their
swan yeah well you know
fucking the problem with conspiracy
theories is some of this shit is really going on
the problem in conspiracy
theories is people want to come up with a theory for
everything a lot of
their ideas are
completely ridiculous and
they they’re
hoping that
these theories are right
because they
want the most
sexy and ridiculous option to be
real has there been any
video of or witnesses
showing of the birds falling like hey why are all
these birds falling i do not
think so i don’t
think anybody i see
this could be just some kind of graffiti
prank that kids are no
no i never even have
them on the ground over miles
you don’t understand
these are like thousands of birds over
miles very same species over and over again
something happened
these birds in the air
and it was either they were poisoned or
they were hit by hail hails possibility some people saw
fireworks scared them and they
slammed into
things but that
doesn’t make
sense maybe dead birds is the next crop circle
we just don’t know yet but what i was saying is
look at all the different shit that’s
going down all
these birds
dying all these fish
dying all the
water leaking
under the oil leaking into the
ocean all the
floods that are
going on right now in australia i mean
it’s like the size of europe is
underwater in australia i mean it’s incredible
and now the ladies
thing is that scientists are saying that there’s
a possibility of some gigantic
super storm that
could hit los angeles
or it could hit
california and that
literally 25
of all the houses are
going to be
flooded in rooms and what is this
they don’t know
they’re trying to figure it out
but they’re saying because of all the hot weather that
well this is what it says
my guess is
that it will
never happen yeah
yeah it’s a good
guess but apparently it’s happened
us geological survey
they’ve studied
that the dates
214 440 you
know when they’ve done
core samples on the earth
uh one thousand
twenty nine
fourteen eighteen sixteen
o five was the last time it happened so it happens
every few hundred years
they have these you know i mean it
could be eight hundred years
they have these gigantic
super storms and what they’re talking
about the super
storms raining for forty days
dumping ten feet of
water and this is all possible
and they’re saying the
storm would be goaded on by an
atmospheric river
that would move
water at the same time rate as 50
mississippi’s discharging
water into the
gulf of mexico up into the
clouds and the
clouds would come into it just
would be just a massive amount of
water poured
in the ocean
let it go in inland
there was shit that we
couldn’t even wrap our head around they’re saying that
literally it
would be like
it would be like
the same category as a gigantic earthquake
i want a boat
you want a boat i don’t
think a boat will help you dude if you’re way up here
but dude a boat is
gonna the waters
gonna come over the top and
smash on top you and
crush your head
i don’t think a boats
gonna help oh that’s
gonna pour down
i don’t know i mean
we talked to i mean
obviously this
never happened in recorded
human history that we know of
you know that we don’t have any
representations of what it was like
but i think that
it’s i mean if they’re really telling you that it’s
gonna come in
forty days and dump ten feet of water
that’s insane
the rate of
fifty mississippi rivers
discharging
water into the
gulf of mexico pouring down the state
that’s incredible they’re talking
about a hundred
twenty five mile an hour winds
landslides think
about all those
green houses are all gone if that happens
all those laurel canyon
houses that are on
still 40 days of rain
yeah that’s a wrap bitches
and what they all
fell like a few years ago yeah a
bunch of them too much rain right
and then like
six houses fell down remember malibu
laurel canyon
dude mad multi
multi billion dollar
houses at million excuse me
like seven eight million dollar
houses in malibu just sinking
big chunks of the hill
broke off away from
their pipes were
sticking out
electricity
sparks and shit and then
i mean they had all this
video of these
things sliding down the hills like
dude you can’t make a
house on the side of a fucking hill like that that
ain’t cool i know you want a nice view but you’re being
ridiculous like you just totally
rolling the dice with
mother nature
how fucking awesome though
is this weather it was like 84
you’re in shorts
fucking love i got
twitter’s from people in calgary yesterday was thirty
below with the windshield factor
you just come back from chicago said
hadn’t see daylight in four days yeah
snowing and overcast
yeah it gets gray
and you got to take your jacket off here yeah
seasonal effective disorder that’s real shit
you know you’re not
happy when it’s gray all the time i don’t care what you
say about california
this weather is good the
most the best
thing about
california is the sun
yeah that’s why they have
those lights you even have
those nightstand
lights where it just gives you a
simulation of the sun
well dude that’s why
that’s why colorado is so fucking dope
colorado has sun
250 to 300 days a year
like they have very few overcast days
so even though it’s cold it’s
sunny sunny yeah that’s what
we need man
it’s not the coldest
so bad because
when it’s cold out yeah it sucks to drive
but you know what man you put some fucking
clothes on you put a warm coat on
you put some
gloves on and it’s like yes when it’s
sunny out it’s
cold it’s like whoa it’s cold out here but you’re
still smiling you can go out with your friends and go
you know snowboarding and shit and go fuck around
when it’s boston boston winters bro
they would just be like god when is it
gonna end it’s like you were being pissed on
it’s like you’ve been
held down and pissed
on and you just have to deal with it okay when are you
gonna let me up
still sucks dealing
with snow in general though i hate fucking snow i
wanna punch it
it smells bad
ice is worse i like
snow icy rain is the
worst you would yeah
the worst is when it’s like 31
degrees that’s
scary shit cause it rains then
it turns to ice yeah the next morning it rains on top
of the ice every
morning it gets icey again
it’s so bad when i was in high
school me and my buddy
my sister’s boyfriend sat on top of the garage
we just watched
these cars slam into each
other because our
whole street was
covered in ice
and we lived on a hill
so we just sat we
drank beer and we sat on the roof
and it was a show we were just
watching guys
slide down cop cars too
cop car came down we
called the cops
yeah yeah we’ll be
right there
they came and they came
dummies didn’t listen
came downhill
i tell em you better go uphill because if you do
if you go downhill you’re not
gonna be able to stop
yeah yeah yeah
fucking don’t tell me what
to do fucking queer
set the thing
up i was attacking each
other but no one’s ever
learning and
changing their behavior
well it’s still dumb they’re not
introspective at all i
talk shit on boston but
still one of the best
places to have fun
it’s one of the best
places to do shows
it’s a fucking it’s a
great town i just don’t
wanna live there anymore i
can’t deal with the winters but the people are fucking
phenomenal they’re fun
there’s like
a certain energy that they have there’s a certain
like a zest for life you know
when you when
you you have to fucking walk home in the cold
and you have
to deal with that kind of shit you deal with those
kind of weather
if you hate
having boners go there
yeah it’s not the best way to describe
it i imagine it as like the downstairs in titanic
for people dancing and having a
great old time it’s not
even a poverty
thing there’s a lot of rich people in boston
it’s just there’s a certain amount of no nonsense in a
place where it gets
zero degrees for a
month you know
it’s that wicked
but it’s different than like montreal
it’s like yeah why is no one from vermont
like assholes
well vermont is like
super hippie liberal
grateful dead bro
california ben and
jerry’s ice
cream some ice cream
it’s a beautiful
state to man god i used to do gigs in vermont
i would drive up to burlington
and just be driving and i
would just be trying to
think of how i
could live here
i’d be like 21 years old and i
would be in my car
going is there a way that i can figure out
how to live here because this is how i want to live man
i want to live
where there’s like a
river by my
house and there’s like
green grass and there’s woods
and it’s healthy
when i drive around la i was like alright this is
where i have to live
right i’m in my car i’m on this fucking
monstrous freeway that’s six
lanes on each side and
every one of them
is jam solid
no one can move
i don’t wanna live like that yeah you
wanna take a dirt road and pass somebody on the left
i wanna be i want
peace man i
just want two bathrooms i’m
tired of having my
parents trying to send me to a
special camp in
vermont what’s
a camp yeah
for retards yeah for
learning disabilities what was
wrong with you
learning disabilities what kind of
learning disabilities
underachieving
son of a middle
class family but it’s not really really
you don’t have a
learning disability you were probably just bored huh
yeah they say that but that’s why they
would learn to
what was it a
psychological block
probably something like that
where it wouldn’t let you get
into what you’re doing and it’s so hard when you have a
troubled childhood to be good at
school because
i had a troubled
childhood and
you just don’t want to concentrate on what they’re
teaching you you’re just trying to figure out the whole
world around you
navigate through it
cool with people
on yeah just trying to figure out how to not
get picked on and how to fucking get home without you
know having to
fear for your life like
which kids do i have to
avoid where do i have to go and
all that shit
they’re very
difficult to concentrate on us history like how is this
this shit ain’t affecting me you know
yeah i just like
watching tv i was kind of
lucky as i hung out with the
asian kid and then i thought you knew karate
so really unless you’re
like hiding and you try
to fuck his
sister how many
bullies no wasn’t
sister just the
asian girl there was an
asian girl that wasn’t related
yeah they weren’t two different
families two different families did they try to hook up
no i think they hated each
other cause i
think one was japanese and one
with korean
oh yeah koreans and japanese
hate the japanese
because of all the rapes yeah
dude the rape and nam
king there’s a
crazy documentary that i
watched is very disturbing some of the
shit that the japanese did to the chinese
yeah like genocidal
experiments
gave him cardi d
all cut holes and
babies and fuck them oh
yeah like really dark dark
dark shit i just had this didn’t respect them
as people no they
killed them in
systematically and tortured them and did all kinds of
crazy shit man
it’s a really really disturbing documentary
was the document of this i have it if you want to
watch it you can watch it
it wasn’t released like i had to buy it from
some library somewhere i actually had to
rent it and then not
bring it back
i would do one of
those things yeah
just pay the fine
i couldn’t get it i couldn’t get it anywhere else
and it’s really creepy and there’s a
bunch of shit on it online if you could read
about it i don’t know the it’s like
this is all
like my friend rupert who was a director of fear factor
he turned me onto this many many years ago
and i got into it back then
and it was so disturbing that i forgot a lot of the
particulars
so i’m not gonna
you know i can’t
quote it but if you’re into genocide and
into reading up
about how fucking
cruel people can be you’re into genocide
dude i mean a lot of people are into finding out how
low you can go
turn on so like giannissa
long walk to the park
they were talking
about this a few weeks ago somebody found
in his lawn
in his yard sale
they found a
human skin lamp
from the holocaust
did you get
it sold for 30
bucks this writer
bought it and then took it to his friend paid
thousand dollars got tested like it is
human skin did
he eat it shit
it was so old they couldn’t tell what race to come from
wow that’s from holocaust yeah holy
humans like this had been someone’s skin
and now it’s adorning
a lamp it’s
crazy to stretch it out
not that long ago no
there are people still
alive yeah a lot of them
a lot of people you know there was i
watched a documentary
on the moon
landings once and there was this guy who was
a concentration camp survivor and he had his
tattoos and he was talking
about werner von braun
the werner von braun
ran a rocket factory in brazil
or excuse me in berlin
what a lot of
people don’t realize that the guy is the head of nasa
werner von braun
was a serious nazi
i said fuck it if that guy was
alive today
he would be the
simon wiesenthal
centers that they
would prosecute him for
crimes against humanity
he used to hang the five slowest jews in
front of his factory in berlin
anytime you know
people are slow hang them
hang them in
front everybody else
so everybody
would walk through
and see what the fuck was going on
look look these are
these guys used to work with now they’re hanging in
front of the fucking
doors go to work
yeah in this
dark dark dark shit and this guy with his
tattoo from the holocaust was talking
about how he
remembers very
clearly seeing wernher von braun they
would come in with suits and they’d all be working
and they would
come in and inspect the work and walk around people
he’d fucking hang people hang them
right in front of people
you know and this was there’s a
thing about
operation paperclip
they were all brought over here all the nazi
scientists yeah that’s what it’s called
they were all brought over here to run nasa the united
states had like
dog shit for a rocket program
before warner von braun came over
he was a super
genius you know
i feel like it’s easy to
like dehumanize that moment when you see like oh used
to hang people but if you imagine it from the person’s
point of view
like you’re just
taking a wrench or something and someone grabs you
and you’re just
screaming to like please don’t don’t and they just
put it around your neck
all right and
how many people
do we know that are just lazy as fuck and would
slack off and
not be good
workers yeah me too
no you know
until someone died and then
i was like alright i need to get through this and then
you have children
and your children are being held captive
too your whole family is being held captive
it’s really really
scary to think
that was not that long not
that long ago and that
while this is going on
it was so much more important for us to win the
space race they were like yeah warner von braun mr nazi
come on over here get on over here buddy
don’t worry
about all that
other shit you
did over there whatever whatever whatever
that’s fucked
race erased
no one’s gonna know
they’re not gonna know
you’re wearing a von braun
from nasa don’t
sweat it buddy
we’re all good now it’s all groovy
i think your
friend does something really douchey and you’re like
just don’t bring it up let’s just go
let’s just leave
this fucking
guy though man this documentary was so intense when he
would show his tattoo
and he would talk
about seeing warner von braun and talk
about how they
would hang people in the
front of the factory
this shit is
never leaving that guy’s brain
that guy was a
slave for a while
now he was living in miami and
relaxing his entire
retirement years away
but there was a
point in that guy’s life
where he lived in
utter terror
surrounded by
monsters like a goddamn star wars episode
the stormtroopers
would come in
and they would just you
know got out of
that after that
a lot of people he knew were dead
that’s some
scary shit to
think that people are willing to go that and go that
relatively easily you know
it’s not like you know that’s hard to get
people to do it’s happened many times i mean it is hard
but it’s happened many many times throughout history
pol pot with you know
so many different cases of genocide the
stalin i mean all
these different examples all around the world
liberia yeah
so many all around the world
i mean look what’s
going on in iraq
i mean if you talk
about the numbers in iraq
supposedly according to many credible sources a million
civilians have died
since 2002 or 2003 whenever we invaded
a million a million a million
wrap your brain around that
you know wrap your
brain around that that’s some crazy shit
do you remember that old footage of the
the guys on tanks and they were listening to
death metal
and they were fucking
they were shooting they showed like what
it’s like to be over there in iraq remember that you
see exes new yeah eliminate them
yeah these guys they were
listening to
music they were listening to like
crazy like metal
music while they were
shooting people
in iraq and i remember it was it was a video and
you know they were interviewing
these guys and what’s it like it
was you know they’re smoking
cigarettes and they’re really
young and it’s like so surreal to them
that it doesn’t even seem real
apparently this is all
the wikileaks put that out too
oh yeah that was the
first one yeah
i didn’t know that man yeah
i did not know that was the
first thing when they got some friendly fire situation
no no you’re talking
about it’s called collateral murder that’s a
video that they released that was the
start of all the
speech leaks
this shit was way before that a few
years before that
yeah they’ve
been involved for a long time release and shit
i didn’t know
that they had been around as long as they had
been around that assange dude is so fucking interesting
fascinating but seems so douchey
like did you read his online dating profile
no oh my god he’s
just so douchey
just like it comes through the
screen and gets your fingers greasy really
yeah like you know what he’s talking
about like you know
does he want to meet people
for friendship for you know whatever and it’s like
it’s just like
it’s first of all
literally it is impossible
to make an online
dating profile and not come off douchey
it’s not possible
it is not possible you have to talk
yourself up
right you have to talk yourself up
and you have to lie
about what you’re looking for what
are you looking for i’m looking for some really easy
pussy from a hot girl who’s not
gonna ask too many questions
it’s not gonna get crazy and
you’re never
gonna be mad at me because
i don’t want to be with you anymore can i get that no
no and so everybody’s got this whole
thing i’m looking for romance i mean even if you’re not
you know so it’s impossible
to you know
i’m outgoing but i you know
i’m friendly to a
fault and look
for the real me you’ll be pleasantly surprised
you’d like what you’d find
you should make a profile and just
overdue overdoing
almost like brodie stevens it where it
becomes a comedy set sketch
i have a couple out there somewhere
do you have dating problem they’re probably hilarious
yeah after well
after the fiance
the seven year relationship
ended i went through a like i have been single in
eight years or so
seven years i have no idea what to do so
i got into that
online thing
cause it was before facebook and myspace
you know right really so it’s just
making a myspace profile pretty much well the crazy
thing what you did is you won
lost like fucking 70
pounds or something
what did you lose how much did you lose i got
70 pounds 70 pounds
i remember when you got
super giant like
smurf like you got
giant dude you
couldn’t walk straight your legs
would rub in the middle
you’d have to ralphie
mayett you’d have to circle your legs on the outside
and then bring them back in the
front first
impression yeah
not a good impression
he’s got the
worst impressions of anyone
i’ve ever heard of
yeah it’s not a good impression
to me but at
least i don’t
do it it’s amazing it’s amazing how awesome
they are gizmo from gremlins singing
that’s pretty good that’s old school geek
i’m not doing it
that was a great movie man
you know what i loved it i loved it when they got wet
turned into
monsters and shit is that what happened they got
wet it turned into my
balls balls started
to come out yeah
and then they become evil
like it’s so
crazy like they’re so cute when they’re little tiny
things and then turned into key for
so is that what it is you get them wet yeah
or feed them after midnight i’ll feed them
after midnight that was all a metaphor for
treating women
yeah you can’t get them alcohol
after midnight because it’ll become
crazy animals they become
horse pregnant bitches
and you can’t
deal with them bitches man bitches it ain’t
about that brian man don’t become a
woman hater okay just cause
that’s from a
movie that’s from like say anything or
something oh
really gay that i know that
you um are you worried
about becoming a
woman hater
me yeah no absolutely
absolutely no
worries fuck no
chicks don’t have to
worry sweet
brian will never go away no i’m a
crazy hater you’re
crazy hater is that what it is you take
crazy yeah i just need to start
changing my
go to yoga classes bro and meet some
centered girls
would lose sweatpants you know i’m talking
about yeah yeah i know
you’re rolling
downward facing dog all up in this
bitch yeah i
heard that’s the best
place though to actually hit
hit on women
were singing girls buttholes all day
you see how flexible and
sexy their bodies and
help finger yeah
that see if
they fart when they get
stuck in weird positions
that’s saddle
ranch when they have the someone riding the bull
on super slow
some hot girl
super slow writing it was
like oh my god all the guys are looking for
try not to look like they are looking yeah
it’s just hot yeah there’s a there’s a
some strange
connection between
just imagine
there it’s you
under them riding bull
i saw tit go out
the other day that’s
always waiting for that and a bull riding yeah it was
black chick how
black chicks
tit nice black
chicks on a
bull run this just letting you know i need some
white dick panto
let’s get it on
brian have you considered
maybe trying some
black chicks out since these white chicks
yeah we’ve talked
about this i have a certain
yeah i’m totally go for it
yeah i would go for it but it has to be a certain kind
a certain kind of black check
not a big one not the one that like
if you just like squint your eyes and imagine them with
short hair that they’re a guy
oh by the way have you seen pictures of little kim
yeah oh my god google
little kim photos
show it to ari what
she did crazy
plastic surgery and she became like she looks like a
vietnamese woman
look a little kim
is dude it’s really hard to look at
she really really fucked up
like really bad
it’s almost like steven
tyler yeah that’s
he looks like a baboon man
is look go back
up to that yeah look at that he looks like a baboon
his whole bottom of his lip
thing is all
jutting out
i bet he could suck a mean cock oh
you know it
those big fat lips
yeah oh that’s a football player i think
isn’t it weird how the doctors come out in
scrubs as if they just came from the hospital
that guy why don’t you just google the actual image
it’s on the second page
it’s really
crazy you gotta see it
they don’t just have it
can’t you just google images what are you doing you’re
scrolling like my mom
this is how my mom and
i i’ll find it find it
you’re always in a
hurry why are you always in a hurry
my mother became jewish
yeah what’s the
chick’s name
again it’s the most
annoying impression you
could do of a mother
why not little kim little kim
lil little kim
photos plastic surgery what the fuck
type all that in area
bam look at her on the right
see it’s kind of
crazy it kind of looks like it
might be makeup
she looks like
a jackson no no no
no no bro that’s that’s true
they’re coming over
she has the cat eye
not just the eye look at her nose man oh yeah
do they have
other ones they have before and after
she looks a little like janet jackson there’s a way
worse bro i
think way worse
janet jackson
well i haven’t seen janet jackson recently but for
the longest time
she kept it together yeah
see before and after yeah
that one on the top was it that’s her
look at that
dude she’s hot there
her eyes are already a little
asian huh not like that not
like that whoa look at the difference that is
monstrous that is terrifying
the nose kind of looks the same what is it
about people man where they
they just start fucking
changing their face they like
well i can totally relate to that like
having done
not with tattoos but with having done
hair transplants because
doing hair transplants like
i was losing my hair and i was like well
how do i stop this man is there a way to stop i don’t
wanna wear a fucking wig and i
wanna be bald like how do i stop this
so then a friend of mine had gotten hair
transplants and he had
me convinced he was like dude just get hair transplant
they take it from the back they put it in the
front like you do it as you’re losing
your hair and you can keep your hair like oh okay cool
and so i did it and
right after i did it i felt like
oh now you have this
stupid scar
in the back of your head didn’t they tell you
about the scar like that
i knew about the
stupid scar but i didn’t think
about it you didn’t
think about
ads in the back of the head who’s
gonna notice
you know you
think everything’s
gonna turn out normal and be fine and then
i wanted to do another
one to correct it so i did another one and it looked
still looked like shit
now the scar on the back of my head is bigger
after a while you know
it’s like you can get roped into like i know a guy who
he passed away a few years ago
but he was obsessed with plastic surgery
and he was a nice guy and he was in show business and
he had done a
bunch of different
things to the
point where his face looked weird and
he had peck
implants and he had a
bunch of hair
transplants
you just start
you start fucking
with your appearance like that and it becomes like a
becomes like a
pathology doing it
yeah you like you get sick like there
you have issues like all the
people do the same
thing yeah yeah
two three four
well i should say
that i mean both my arms are
sleeved yeah but i’m stopping
i mean i don’t have a problem
i just felt
like when i did the one i felt like
i was unbalanced and then i really had an idea for the
second one that
i wanted to do and i’m like i don’t mind having two
sleeves with
tattoos it’s not
like i’m getting them on my fucking face or anything
crazy which
speaking of
there’s something like there’s a line
where you’re not supposed to
tattoo yeah
and your face is that line
above above
above the gucci
mane have you seen
gucci mane no who’s that
have you seen it you
haven’t seen
gucci mane okay
which one is it
gucci you type up
gucci mane face tattoo
get ready for this
gucci mane is a rapper
okay and he got a face
tattoo and his face
tattoo is an ice
cream cone oh i saw that i saw that
it says three
scoops of ice
cream on it and it says brr
that’s it on top top left
top left top
top that’s on top there you go
yeah that’s the image
click on that
folks online
you have to see this if you
haven’t already
most of the internet already has seen it
but it’s like it’s
clear madness i mean
he gets released from a mental institution
and then he has an ice
cream cone tattooed on his face this guy
is he trying to
get out of war
yeah it’s like
clinger right
yeah that beats my
horrible i’ll just keep saying i’m a crossdresser
until they let me out
yeah it meanwhile i can’t smash goes on forever yeah
check brian’s
tattoo on her fall
brian’s tattoo
he got it from a guy who was
learning how to tattoo so tattoo
you went to
tattoo school
no this chick
that worked for me when i was a manager at
movie theater she’s like i want to be a
tattoo artist my boyfriend
owns a tattoo
studio he’s been trying to teach me on cantaloupes
would you like to be my first person it will be free
i was like sure why
not cantaloupes you
know you’re supposed to practice on pig ears and shit
yeah that’s
really on pigskin
is similar to human skin
but it’s an art form man like
you know my boy
aaron dellavedova my
buddy from guru
tattoo who does my stuff
he totally offered to fix it
guess what it’s kind of
funny story now
the other day i was just laying in bed
and i worked on this
movie called a better way to die a long time ago
and my job was to do
like all right
you need to make this
tag this whole area like all
these cars all
these walls you need to make it look like a graffiti
like it’s a gang ridden
alley in chicago
that you used to do
yeah that design yeah i was
brian you’ve
lived a million lives
what the fuck
all of a sudden you become so interesting
if i was a chick i’d be so into you
right now so fast
so so he’s done so many
things like
three days after i got this
tattoo and i’m like dude i’m just
gonna put my fucking tattoo
everywhere so i just sprayed my
tattoo on the walls on the cars and then i put
nine inch nails in a couple
places but then
i did all these like my
tattoos and so the
other day i’m just sitting there
watching and then it was like
i’m like oh this is the
movie i worked on i was like
wow there’s my
waterfall tattoo
everywhere i find it
i did it yeah
i just changed that
scene into like the faggiest gang scene
everywhere by the way
explain to people what
waterfall tattoo
means cause they don’t well i
went and got this free
tattoo or whatever
and i looked in the book and the couple
things i liked were
egyptian turtles
and i saw i was like
into asian girls
at that time or whatever so i got an r in chinese
and they put it together
and i said i also like spider man so they mixed the
three up and it’s like
spider man logo
with a chinese letter
in the middle
hey um you know that i have
a new higher primate
t shirts coming out yeah yeah for
folks who don’t know
you go to higher primate higher
dash primate com that’s my
clothing line i
actually have a
clothing line now called higher primate
and it’s real low key
i’m just kind of
trying to figure it out before i
go commercial with it yeah it’s all just
t shirts i’m
gonna have fanny packs too
stay strong faggy packs stay
strong bitches
faggy packs
coming back son i
traveled a friend
and our fears have seen it
brian seen it
i’m not fucking around with this fanny pack
would be cool if you renamed it you
should design
baggy packs that’s not
bad that’s a good idea
right why not
right right it’s not
faggot it’s
not faggot faggie
gay enough though
yeah faggy pack fanny
what’s so cool
the point is my
point is with
these new t
shirts we could
i wanna make
that red band logo
with the explosion
the suicide
kitty suicide
kitty yeah let’s turn that into a
shirt i gotta do that
we’ll sell it you know
we could just i’ll have
these guys make it for you you already have the thing
so we have the company to make sure it’s now and
we’ll sell it on you know
you know what we just said on redband com
cool because i know a lot of people on the
board asked
about it i would wear that shit
yeah i like it it’s kind of an inside
thing like no one
would even know what the fuck that means
you know it’s so
funny is that
those other podcasts i did the desk
squad podcast
right this guy
just put them on the
radio and they
they kind of like make a logo
thing like welcome to
you know stitcher
i was like dude
they know that that’s like a hitler cat
hitler that
was covered with explosives and a suicide bomb
on his hand
for people don’t know like what is this death
squad thing
this all happened
when we were on opie and anthony this is like fucking
many years ago
i came on opie and anthony
and i brought with me
eddie bravo
tate fletcher and this was like
right after
tate had done the ultimate
fighter and tate was
traveled on the road with us and
brian you came on to
right and who else was already
did you got you came
on another time
you came on a different time yeah
you came on the time we
roasted jamie
jamie masada
and the baby bird
the baby bird
and baby bird that was another time
another man’s
mouth so we’ve done many many times anyway we
would come in
and you know
tate is such an imposing figure
tate is this gigantic
fucking hunk of a man
and we’d walk in the room with you know everybody knows
eddie bravos is jiu
jitsu master he just choked out horler gracie and then
you know it’s like so opie goes
looking at joe rogans with the
death squad
and then it became weeks
you know just thought it was so
silly you know
death squad we
started calling ourselves
death squad
yeah actually
it’s kind of
interesting back in the day when podcasts were
first made i
started making little
short joe show
videos then called them
death squad
and they were only available on itunes as a podcast a
video podcast i
had 12 of them or something like that
yeah those fucking old
videos dude some of
those were brilliant
i went back and
watched a couple of
those old death
squads that you did
some of those were fucking
funny as shit
and some of the moments we captured were so
ridiculous diaz
getting mad at you for that how
about ari shafir
becoming a lawyer
okay there was a guy who was
completely insane
and he said he was the holy spirit
and he needed help and
somehow or not
he wanted me to help him and then
ari got involved
yeah you call
you guys this is
a call i get at home i was i didn’t
have a spot it’s like 12 30 or something the store
so you’ve been having this
whole argument i had no idea you just call me like
hey listen i need you to be my lawyer i’m like what
what do you mean you’re my lawyer
he’s like somebody’s
gonna call you and you
gotta be my lawyer i’m like what
should i say i’m like hey i’ve got another call
you’re my lawyer goodbye
ari is one of
those dudes
who you know if you got a friend who is a
stand up comedian but he has got a wife
and he’s got kids and he’s got a day job he’s got a lot
i can’t count on that
motherfucker he’s not always down for the fun
but i could call ari shafir at
three o’clock in the morning ari i need you to
represent me as my lawyer are you comfortable with this
uh okay the
background dj okay yeah
i’m pretty high
right now but
so anyway go
ahead this guy called me so he
could take down the footage
of you you said you have to call my lawyer to take down
this footage
it’s very important
if you want to take down the footage
you’re gonna have to call
my lawyer cause this
crazy guy he was
completely nuts and in retrospect
he thought he was
the holy spirit yeah i thought he was the holy spirit
i forget a lot of
other shit that he said
he was trying to sue john edwards
not john edwards
a politician
psychic for being a
false prophet
and i remember
going like why
should we sue him
like why would you sue him he’s like this is
false prophet
i got it but why you
yeah he had a lot of interesting
things to say yeah
great back massage too
i got him to give me
power of attorney over all his affairs
verbally recorded
it i don’t know what i do i give you the recording
yeah i did it and then um
he disappeared for a
while then he came back
right yeah sued me
how long ago did he
get to go to
court i got a
court he sued me
i forgot about that
he sued me for millions of 18 million
are you serious
yeah were you
nervous at all were
you even a little bit well
first cause i
wrote this guy on for like
six months to a year
just kept until he got too
annoying right
now i’m bored
yeah he sued me for
being a bad
attorney i’m like i represented your pro bono
how many people out there
right now who are looking to get mad at something like
that’s real good you fucking dick
take somebody with mental illness and make fun of them
it’s really
funny fucking
piece of shit
hope you drown in a
river of aids yeah
that’s like obviously it’s not a nice
thing to do but it was fun anyway
the guy was
annoying yeah he was
annoying from the get go
which is why we did this in the
first place we couldn’t get rid of them
yeah it’s amazing
how bad is it if you actually eat toothpaste
terrible for you
flora is awful yeah
i mean it’s not
gonna kill you because like the real
toxic levels of florida
i bet if you
ate a whole tube of
toothpaste you
could probably get really sucked up it says
if you even
like one drop
yeah you’re not supposed to go to the emergency room
no on the toothpaste
or something like that they
might say that just to
cover their ass yeah
i was gonna say
cause i used to
that was my go to
thing you know keep a tube of
toothpaste in my car you know and just like eat it
and i never
thought that would
be something bad don’t do that man well that was like
when i was 16
about fluoride in the drinking
water and everybody
claims to know exactly
by the way that
sound you’re hearing is the
sound of the volcano it
never claims to know but
where are the people dying
where is it happening
the interesting part
about it is that that is all supposedly
if you go online and read the websites communist
it’s all based on
nazi shit the idea of
keeping the people passive
and keeping people in their
place and making
sure they’re docile and easy to control
and that was the idea of putting fluoride in the
water supply
i highly doubt that’s why it helps your teeth
right yeah i
think it’s probably i don’t know if it does help your
teeth i don’t really know because there’s a lot of
things that
say this no that’s not the case what helps your
teeth is fucking
cleaning them you fucking pigs
know that’s what’s both
good for your
teeth i use tom’s of maine
toothpaste and it
doesn’t have fluoride in it yeah shit
certain types of
sweet variant
doesn’t taste that good
it tastes like you’re eating
chalk do you
like the shit i use when i lift weights and i put
chalk on my hands yeah but
do you think that
maybe that toothpaste is
missing something that you
no because i don’t
do cavities
i haven’t had cavities in a long
time oh really i’m pretty good at
brushing my teeth
and last time i went to the
first of all i went like years without any
teeth cleaning
and then i went
to the dentist and i didn’t have any cavities i
was really surprised
gotta do it
dude if you fuck up like yeah learn
learn from my
i eat so many
gummy bears
don’t you have
cavities and you go to
sleep right you just crash with
gummy bears
that’s not good
oh my goodness and you got to
clean your teeth because your gums will recede too
which which did happen to me there was an area
where i had a cap
and if you get a really
clean around
those things because it’s not like natural
you know you can get like a lot of plaque and then my
gum was receding a little bit so then i had to get it
do they take
gum from the back and put it no
it wasn’t like that
it does they do
do that though
it’s really bad
is there this
great bit about a hair transplant
now because get them now
not 25 years ago
when they were terrible
now is when you get the procedure even now don’t get it
take it from me
folks this is the way i describe it
this is how
stupid the idea of hair
transplants are you’re taking it’s like
taking people
who are really healthy
and moving them to a neighborhood
where everyone’s dying
cause that’s what it’s like
cause the hair that you have up on the top of your head
after you transplant hairs
the other hair is
gonna fall out too
so even though it looks okay at
first like when i was on newsradios when i
first got it done my hair looked fucking
sporty i just
started rogain
last night did you yeah
fuck it rogan propitia
that’s what told me to
do you know
i was thinking
about doing it i don’t really need it too bad
because i’ve always had a
definitive do
it now but the problem is if you look at rogaine
it only does the middle
no rogan does the back corner the reason
no no no no it does
everything it was a
study that they did and the
study they did was on the
vertex of the
scalp and the idea was that
can’t prove
they would have to go and
spend millions and millions of dollars on a
study to show
the reason why it works on this
the reason why it works at all is it increases
circulation to the area so it makes your hair grow
it will work
everywhere in your
scalp it doesn’t just work in the back of your head yes
especially propetia and rogaine same thing
but most people have bald spots
in the back of the head and they had to concentrate
on one area of the head because they needed a patch
that they would
prove that it worked there
so they proved that it worked on the back of your head
so they just went with it proven to grow hair
good enough they don’t have to
show you that it works so it
says it’s not proven to grow in the
front but it’s not just
done either but it does but it does
no it does but
the way it works manoxidal
monoxidil when they
first made it was a high
blood pressure
medication see i
swear to god even like on amazon or on
their own advertising it says this is the area that
works exactly they
have to because that was the
study scientifically proven to work
oh yeah see they made the study
right i see
a particular area that’s kind of
weird that they have to do that though and
they couldn’t say and it
might work on the
other side yeah
no they don’t want to do that they want
you can’t say anything by that goes this is
we don’t look good here sucking out of plastic bags
sucking mist out of bags you know
this does not look like something a healthy person
would do do you
think it’s yeah i
gotta go soon
okay well let’s end this
fucking crazy thing they
put a couple of shows yeah vegas
yeah february 4th yeah we’re doing a
bunch of shows together are
shafir is coming to for the next one is actually
west palm beach
we’re doing the improv in west palm
beach the twenty eighth
twenty ninth and thirtieth
west palm beach florida so will be
the young and talented mr
ari shafir and me
and that is a
dope fucking club it’s gigantic it’s like six hundred
and fifty fifty
seats it’s awesome
so that’s uh
yeah the 28 29th
and 30th and then we’re also doing february 4th at the
mandalay bay theater the big spot is the new one how
many seats is it
it’s like 2
000 i think this
can be the biggest
show i’ve ever done yeah it’s a pretty
good well i
think in canada we did some bigger than that
that one where everybody is behind us
oh yeah that was giant
that was that was a few thousand
that was nuts
that was calgary
calgary was
crazy we did a
bunch of shows up you missed
toronto toronto was
the shit i’m trying to do my special in toronto
but i’m having a hard time getting a
venue because
it’s in april
and a lot of
these things are booked in advance
if i get a venue a good
venue i’m gonna do the special in
april in toronto in toronto
i recorded myself at
a couple different
places and i’ve got an hour and 15 minutes of new shit
so that’s enough
where i can whittle it down to what i want
for like a 44
minute time
what are you playing
music for brian we told you you can’t play
music unless
i made this song did you make a song yeah
you’re so multi
talented wait a minute
you make newsletters
and you’re a
stalker and
you bang hot chicks
and you do set design and i hear you doing
stand up comedy
when are you performing again
tonight i’m going to
sal’s and then big fish in glendale
and i’m hosting
sal’s comedy club
unless i’m going with you to florida
on the 30th
yeah that’s that’s
gonna be the shit do you want to come to florida
it’s up to you do
do you wanna
i would love to go to florida what are you talking
like florida
i love florida
i will hook it up um
so february
third is my next
storyteller show yeah
where are these
storyteller
shows that people can’t see in san francisco but you
might be able to
hang out in the front
at the purple onion that are sold out i’m so glad
about are gone that’s one is called
thicker than
water and when is this all
about families this weekend this friday and saturday
nice yeah and then the next one is
brain on drugs just all drug stories
nice these are
both way to
turn it nice damn
these sound good dude
these sound really good
if people don’t know
ari’s been doing this
thing you’ve been doing it for
about a year now
yeah it’s really cool and what it is is
he does like
a stand up show
but it’s not they don’t talk
about they don’t do like
set up punch line set up
punch line it’s mostly like really
funny stories yeah
cause a lot
sort of like you know like podcast stories
a lot of the funnier podcast stories you know and
adam corolla
show or any of the
other ones it’s like
they’re not like a setup
punch line it can’t like
do them in front of a comedy audience
where they expect a certain like rhythm
but it can be slower it’s more like
annie hall as a comedy
where it’s like it was good
right not as
huge laughs well there’s
more involved you know
you go to see a comedy
movie right if you go to see a comedy movie
it’s not like always
funny always
funny like they have to set up a lot of what’s
funny and there’s
a lot of spots
where you’re not
laughing for 10 15 minutes
but on stage it’s got to be set up
punch line set up
punch line set up
punch line but
what you’re doing is
like you’re making these guys
you’re giving them like a new
venue yeah like
joey’s were fucking
spectacular man your
story of when you went to
strip club in alabama with what’s his name mark coleman
yeah that’s like a perfect like
crazy story yeah you know
that’s a yeah
yeah there’s
exactly i tried to do that one
with comedy like do it on
stage but i had to
punch it up too much
i had to add a
bunch of shit to it and like
short on two
things into one
yeah i had to combine two different scenarios for
crushers tells the best
story of all time the
tracy morgan
story he’s supposed to come on tomorrow i
gotta he lands
today though i got a call make
him do that one
yeah so fucking good yeah
tracy morgan’s
the heart of a million
great stories
it’s good to know there’s dudes like that out there man
when i see a guy like joe diaz or a guy like
tracy morgan
i just want to just
shake their hand and say
thank you thank you
for being you
thank you for rocking it man
just going out there and realizing man ain’t
no nobody knows how the fuck this
thing works
just go crazy
you know having a guy like joe diaz in your life
do will do you wonders
you know i think he’s comedians
for real he’s like
having him around you it like makes you funnier
i really believe you
gotta relax like will you kidnap
someone all right
yeah not only that
he’s so i don’t give a fuck that he makes
things more
silly and more fun
it’s more fun
i always tell joey
whenever every special i’ve done
this is one of the
things that
one of the reasons why i’ve thought
about not doing it in toronto
the number one reason is i can’t get joey up there
can’t get up there with aggravated kidnapping back
to columbus that
place was the bomb it was the bomb
but what i’m trying to do is
yeah i’m trying
to do somewhere that i
haven’t done
and i really love toronto and
my last show in toronto sold out like
months in advance it was crazy
like i got so much love
in toronto and if the show was so much fun i was like
this would be a great
place to do my shit and it’s not like i’ve done it a
bunch of times
where they’ve seen my material over and over
again it’s over
saturated and
you know pretty much
everything i mean
everything i’m doing in my sets
these days is all shit that wasn’t on my old
stuff so all that
stuff has been phased
out and it’s all straight new stuff so
most people that i’m running into on the road
unless they get
on youtube all the time they don’t know the material so
to me toronto was like the perfect spot
you know it’s like
they’re cool they’re
smart or enthusiastic it’s a fun city
but i don’t know if i
could do it
i’m gonna have to find out we
still haven’t figured out to get the venue
you know and then you know there’s also i can’t
bring joey oh yeah so i wonder if you can get him
maybe maybe not
he ain’t getting up there
he told me he was
gonna do we had some gigs in montreal he goes joe rogan
what’s what i’m
gonna do i’m
gonna fly in a buffalo
and from buffalo
my friend mikey stagioni
he’s gonna fucking
drive me up there
he’s gonna drop off some heroin
halfway on the way
it’s a drop by the bridge it’s perfect
for real time
yeah what he
would always have some fucking
crazy plan he had some
crazy plan to
sneak in to do gigs wow
yeah he wasn’t
fucking around either he was dead serious
and he would do it
those crazy
stories are
really they’re all fucking happening
yeah they’re all real they’re all real
when you’ve hung around with joey as long as we have
and still joey to this day
still completely unpredictable
like he was supposed to do
brian show last
sunday at sal’s and
gone vanished
he just disappears what
what he was
watching the mechanic
earlier the old one charles
bronson yeah
thanks for that
man charles
bronson he’s upset
with the new ones coming out
this fucking
jason dayton
what the fuck is his name get the fuck out of here
you ain’t charles bronson
cocksucker he’s like
angry fuck you that took
apart man and who is the dude that played
charles bronson’s protege
i know the real one he was the
famous guy that became
a really nutty
he became like the biggest
drunk in hollywood
he was like
super handsome and
young and devastating no no no
he’s on celebrity rehab
right now and he’s a source of
awesome entertainment if you
haven’t been
watching your work
i don’t remember the guy’s name it’s like a
three word name
hormone the mechanic
yeah that dog
bronson that’s
the new one is coming out real soon
yeah it’s just coming out
jan michael vince and
he was like this you know this fucking studly looking
all american
super handsome actor
movie star character and he
he went and lost his fucking marbles
and became a huge drunk just
right there yeah
yeah they’ve done
these interviews with
him now and he’s just a stuttering fucking retard wow
i love that
isn’t it weird man of it
how many people
when you you know when you run into people like at the
store or something
like that that have hit the rocks dude kravitz
has gone completely down it’s like he’s burned out
what happened
he’s just like it’s
like the drugs whatever it just something was in his
brain is fucked up
he just he can’t talk like a normal
human being he just fills you with sadness
being around him he’s just like
he can’t carry a normal conversation he
starts midway through a conversation
you can’t leave
he wasn’t always like that no i remember like
seven eight years ago he was a normal guy normal
little beaten down but
still a little
beaten down but we had some fun conversations with him
still friendly and nice now it’s like
so what happened
i think the
stuff caught up
drugs yeah whatever he was doing that’s my guess is
it done eventually cut up i don’t
think he does it anymore but i
think it eventually
i don’t know that many people that have totally cooked
their brain with drugs
huh do you know
how many people do you know that have cooked
their brain with drugs
do you know
anybody yeah i know i know a couple be like i know
right now really
that yeah so how many people
would you guess you know that like
absolutely like
start that’s what i
would get that they looked
they looked like you had done that
at least one and two and probably
i don’t know
there’s probably another one but i know two of that can
think of right now did i tell you the
brian callan story
about the girl used to date listen to this shit
burn out there was a girl that
brian callan
dated and she was
crazy the moment i met her
i go dude i
go listen to me i know you don’t like to believe this
i can smell
crazy people okay
i go and this bitch
stinks this
bitch is nuts like all i did is meet her
like it’s ridiculous assumption on my part
to be able to take this chance
but all my spidey
senses were
like whoa what’s
going on here
all she did is say i said
hi my name is joe nice to meet you and
she said hi and she
shook my hand
and he goes no no no people get nervous
when they’re around you they’ve seen you in fear factor
well that is not nervousness
i go this is a
crazy person i’m telling you bro you’re dating a
crazy girl it turned out the
whole time he
was dating her he had no idea she was a meth addict
like a severe meth addict and
she also had
like some boyfriend who was like an ex boyfriend who
stole the picture
that while she was living at brian’s
place she was like hooking up with this guy to get meth
like craziness so anyway
brian gets rid of her long drawn out
tries to save
her can’t do it i mean just devastating shit
he would always get himself hooked up with
these really
crazy bitches
when i met him when he was really
young he was trying to
fix himself through fixing
other people
it was very strange
he got over it
but the point is years later
he’s walking by remember that bar that
stan hope used to go to the cat in the fiddle
you know that’s like a stripper
a hooker walk
that’s where we are
right there
that’s what’s his face
the english guy got busted
what is his name hugh grant hugh
grant got busted down there i was there yeah he talked
about hooker
there yeah yeah
it’s grody it’s totally grody by the
way that’s my two year olds favorite word grody grody
grody anyway
so he’s walking to the cat in the fiddle
and as he’s walking there he sees a hooker come his way
and he stops and he realizes it’s his ex
girlfriend oh
and she’s got scabs on her face shit
they go get tested
no this is years later
and he looks at it goes
hey how you doing and she goes
you can guess
that was my life and accepted it all they said
wow that’s all they said to each
other and he went into
the bar and he was just like what the fuck that girl
lived with him and
she lived with him she
was dating him and now here she is with scabs anyway
folks we’ll be at
mandalay bay
mandalay bay theaters
february 4th
where we at
i’m gonna be at the ontario improv
tomorrow night it
might be sold out it’s
cory and chad’s show
and february
third in the
storyteller show
third in the pink purple onion and fourth no february
third here in la
oh it’s another one february
third yeah with jeff garland and oh
powerful is that
the improv laugh
imperve regular room they move the regular rooms
too big for that little
fucking tiny ass
but i’m doing my best to keep
the shows at five dollars
like i’m still trying like
are they trying to
jack up the price
what are they trying to make it ten at least ten
10’s not bad though
10’s reasonable it’s reasonable
reasonable i
think it’s all good
they’re very
entertaining shows
i like the idea of keeping it
cheap because it’s kind of
experimental but it’s a reason
they’re all very
entertaining
it’s well worth it
bert kreischer no
burr bill burr
did yeah bill
burr is hilarious he’s got
great stories too
so anyway february 4th
mandalay bay
theatre february
28th 29th and 30th west palm
beach improv
brian you can
catch him at
sal’s comedy hole
on melrose all the time
right what nights
i’m usually there all the time but i’m hosting
sunday the 30th
oh no i know i
guess i’m not doing that now
ladies 70s he’s looking for love
join my twitter
looking for love join
twitter we’re
going to australia
sydney oh yeah we’re
going to sydney
tonight we’re doing
something yeah we’re doing something in
sydney it’d be nice if it was on my fucking you
stream page brian
but it’s not
got some old shit on here ann
arbor michigan and montreal canada is
not old somebody
put out a link yesterday for the tickets i retweeted
it yeah cool twitter like last
night it’s called rudy
hill that’s the name of the
place that’s in australia
if you go on joe rogan
net i believe it has more information are you
gonna have to
use your brain and that’s the only gig i
could get in australia because these ufc
things what happens is they book the
ufc like a couple of
months out like
three months out and say hey the ufc is
gonna be in australia
and i immediately
start looking for a gig
but the problem is a lot of these
band like these
venues they book up with bands like six
seven months in advance so take
yeah so most
of them were
taken so this is the
place that i
had to go to it’s kind of a little bit further out but
my friends in
sydney i apologize we’re
gonna have a good time though
ari and we’re
gonna fly over in a fucking
apartment wait till you
check out the
plane we’re
gonna really
it’s the dopest
shit ever qantas
yeah it’s fucking badass dude you look a little
apartment maybe
we’ll make videos all right
flashlight all right you
dirty bitches
if you go to joe rogan
net you can get 15
off the flashlight
click the link and enter in the code name rogan and
are you still haven’t used one have you
no you don’t want one right you’re scared i’m
yeah i’m scared
that’s exactly what it is to be honest you just be
shooting loads of
everything all
day and i’m like i don’t need this in my life
it’s way better than beating off that’s what it
should say in
quotes on the box way
better than being
off it’s way better than beating off it is works what
okay that’s the end of the show
thank you very much bert kreischer
supposed to be here tomorrow
i haven’t talked to him
so hopefully
we got it all
i know he’s
traveling today hopefully
we got it all work out
but check twitter
and you’ll know
for sure i love you bitches i’ll see you later
this is your music yeah
what is don’t make fun of it’s really gay
is it a song yeah it’s called vcr
okay let’s listen to it in the commercial
wish you would digest me ninja kick its ass
dude you need to go to a doctor
your living looks better thanks ninja thanks
you got it you got a real problem dude
where’s that
one you had that one song that you made with your xx
brian this is terrifying
give it humanity has ever produced
you have a worm in your brain
honor t mobile kicked our ass
so i can drive back to nineteen eighty
see ya ninjas cry
trying their eyes
bro somewhere someone
is making this they’re gonna make this the
feature song on their myspace page got an answer it’s
called word salad right
brian what is that song that you made with your ex
can you make a song with your ex yeah what’s that one
about it was kind of a good one
what was it
what was it about well there’s the one i’m
punching the dog is that the one you’re talking
about i don’t know but it was good it was fun
oh juno ish
juno ish yeah that’s actually just a remake of a song
oh don’t do that cause you don’t have rights
right but there were
the other ones punching the dog it’s
about punching my dog
do you think that’s funny man yeah
is your dog a douchebag
no this was because
the song was about
her dog how she asked her dog she’s from
texas and she was just like get over here i’m gonna
punch you and i’m like you do say you’re gonna punch it
so then i wrote this song there’s a little dog too
right yeah you didn’t really like
punch it or anything like sometimes you have to
punch dogs yeah
yeah you know if they’re trying to bite you
punch him punching you scared
let the dog know
yeah bite me motherfucker
be repercussions
you get punched in the face you get
punched this is like
that only this is action
or so bite your hands off this is a punching no okay
throw it throw it all right you
know play that one joint is
good or should
we not play it was just all that good they’re all my
stupid song
right now all
right i don’t want to
leave people
disappointed
okay another
gonna like i wish i
could have heard it they’re
gonna think it’s better than it was
they’re gonna
leave now thinking
that i missed out on something good when reality
folks is it shut off your iphone
shut off your itunes
disconnect from you stream please
don’t listen to what we’re doing here right now
no need for you to waste your time
this is right you’re cracking on rock
and clicking on links
okay stop this is worse than the other one
this is worse shut up stop it
that’s terrible bro
no well i could play the genoise song because nope
nope that’s no copyright that’s actually really good i
think we’re good
that’s really good that’s it that’s rap
that’s the end
of the show
very nice thank you for having me sir
thank you for being here sir this is fun
thanks for the ride brian
thanks everybody follow r
shafir on twitter
s h f f i r
r a a r i s
h a f f i r
are you fear
and red band r e d b a n but
brian what are you up to now
we got we got
huh how many people you got now
like eleven thousand or something
eleven thousand people listening to your
stuff are you
happy with that man no
you want more i need to beat that fucking sluts
number oh what is the sluts number i
think like twenty
one thousand
how many did she grow
while she was with you
i don’t know
how much is it responsible are you responsible for some
growth you made her more popular i think i
definitely got her some
he got different internet people
different yeah
different people with
her animated
gifts of her fingering herself all over the website
how weird is that you’re not
gonna win this competition
brian how weird is that
how weird is that
never win the
competition i
will win this contract
what you gotta do is
start never
where so i will
start showing my dick
okay there’s always a new detail to hate
that’s the end of the show folks
thank you very much bye we love you bitches peace
shut that fucking music up