the joe rogan experience
i never knew
i never knew how to start
i don’t hear anything brian
you don’t hear anything i don’t hear myself at all and
yeah hello do we have technical issues
i don’t hear myself either yeah
i hear you guys
yeah we hear you dude
we hear you but we don’t hear ourselves
you just did something you turning it up hello
would you just do hello
not to why look at that first
because no one usually
plays with that right
dude the cats the cats get in here and start
whacking shit around
yeah tell me when it’s good they don’t like it when
we kick them out i can’t hear me at all can you hear me
i can hear you probably
using the wrong headphones is there another pair
wait a minute talking to that man talking
can you hear me right now
not very well
try it again right now
right now hello yeah
i can’t i can’t really hear i can hear me a little bit
which ones there right here yeah
right now yeah now i hear me oh my
god extracts
yeah i think we’re supposed to be on this one
we don’t know what the fuck we’re doing
i got a new desk and i’m very excited but i’m also very
excited burke kreischer is in the motherfucking
house ladies and gentlemen
give it up for burke kreischer am i the
first like real fan of the show to come on the show for
shoes um i don’t know sort of
no you know cause i
listen to every single one oh
thanks man that’s awesome it’s the best way
anyone i saw on a chat board someone’s like
it would only be an hour
i could use them for four hours
well some people like it
if it’s only an hour but then just listen to an hour of
it i like the long
i’m flying to
miami i’m gonna pass out in the middle and have to
rewind and figure out
how the fuck a
monkey can hold
how does everyone on this show so fucking
smart i never thought
ralphie was that smart
like just hanging out with them yeah
you know if you’re
gonna put out that kind of that much material me
ralphime’s got
hours and hours of shit
you know a guy like that you
gotta be intelligent
you gotta be intelligent
to be a comic
yeah but some people are
smart as shit what is
going on with the
sound brian i don’t
echoing it’s really loud
hello hello
do i need to be closer
i don’t know like
this this is all very different than
yes kirk crusher he’s a fucking
robot yeah his
voice doesn’t work like normal
human voices hmm
we good now i
think so okay
maybe we’re
stoned yeah
that’s definitely the case
it’s the vaporizer gives you
a different huh a little different little more intense
going vaporizer lately
ladies and gentlemen cutting out the middle man
going straight to the thc
you know the conversations we have
that’s one of the most fun things
about it i mean we always had
these conversations like
especially duncan and i
we would have
hours and hours of
super baked conversation and
brian count too
i fell in love with duncan
and saw him on a plane
and went back to
to where he was sitting
and could not stop talking to him
about getting back into weed
really trying to get back into weed
it’s just i don’t
like you’re trying to take yoga
my wife and my
sisters had an intervention and they were like
listen you’re
drinking way too much
right and i was like
okay and they’re like we got you a bag of afghani kush
like start there
right and then i did and i got rookie baked like
that happened
to me once i got really scared once because
i’d gotten upset
at myself for
making fun of steven seagal
this is how high i was
i was so high i called
eddie bravo
okay i was super
baked paranoid and i’m like
what am i gonna
fight steven
seagalph i see him like i don’t even really care
about him like
why am i just being so mean when i’m making fun of him
because i was making fun of him just
relentlessly and brutally
and then i thought
about it while i was
super baked i was like what if i met that guy
two things first of all i’d probably be nice to him
which is like the most hypocritical shit ever of course
and second of all i
would probably feel terrible for
being so mean and making bad jokes
flashlight yeah
so bad this is this is the alien one
this is you
haven’t come in this no no one has no one else
would i know
that you that’s a joke you like to play on friends yes
that’s brian he doesn’t
he doesn’t run these
flashlights
these are my possession
it’s pretty awesome
it’s really good for
shooting loads into
oh my god and if you go to joerogan
net and you
click the link
you put in rogan you get 15
off the podcast
or off the the
flashlight here’s how you
clean it have you seen this part
unscrew the bottom
and just dump it out no you unstick
the top and put the faucet on the top yeah so it
just shoots it
right through
yeah that’s it
i’m gonna leave it in
just leave the loads in there in vietnam
wow having like a real
moment with my
flashlight have
a conversation with her long day
really long
speaking of
vietnam i saw a really interesting documentary or a
piece rather it was a very short clip
about they were talking
about how marijuana
it was changed war
and how vietnam was the
first war where the soldiers were
smoking marijuana and they became reluctant to fight
and it was all
about the mentality of the soldiers just
completely changed when they were in
southeast asia and they were smoking weed
and they could
smell the viet cong smoking weed
like over the hill
like they were like
close enough to each
other to smell each
other’s weed
shut up yeah and one guy was talking
about how there was one time
where he was high
and he had seen
this vietnamese
this viet cong soldier and he knew that
that guy was high too he was like they looked at each
other and they knew they were high
just started and they knew they didn’t even know each
other they’re
gonna shoot each
other because
you know some fucking people in an office somewhere
say that this is how it’s supposed to go down but
those vietnam guys were the
first generation to hear stories about war
yeah like that
because their dads came back my
grandfather
came back from
world war one
world war two
and was fucked up
like fucked up like and they didn’t know that you
could fix it
they just thought well that’s what happened to my life
i was 18 and it just
switched and i’ll
drink beer in the garage by myself
well they don’t know
what to fix it with even though what they’re doing now
they’re really taking the long way around
what they really
should be doing is
giving these soldiers
the ones you
know that want
to do something
about post traumatic
stress disorder mean you shouldn’t impose
it on them but
giving them ibogaine
ibogaine and
ayahuasca are two
of the most potent
psychedelic mixtures
and they’re responsible
for so many different people getting off of heroin
getting overpassed yes dude
conversations with god seems like that
would be like the worst
thing possible to give somebody they
never had that in
touch with reality
you know no no no what it does is it lets them know
what really happened it lets them
see it from an emotional
perspective why there’s this big gigantic hole
in them that
freaks out whenever they
think about the past and
freaks out and
relives all
these moments
and you can go over it with
especially with ibegain i’ve
heard so many different stories
about and also with
mdma you know
mdna which is
ecstasy they
would first
used it therapy with that
that was the idea the
funnest drug when you didn’t know it
would fuck you up yeah
well it does fuck you up though
that’s why i won’t do it
i did it once and that was it for me but i
learned a lot man
i learned a lot
about like insecurities and
but anyway the
point is about soldiers like you know
and people that are addicted
there’s people that have like problems with heroin
problems with alcohol
they can fix all that shit with ibegain geraldo
right i was said like
in one of his lowest
points took a
bunch of acid
cause he said that he
heard that that
would fix his problems
and he said it didn’t
well acid’s not
known for that i mean acid well it is kind of
self alcohol
right yeah but
i think acid also just
freaks people out so much like when it wears
you off it’s like so
what someone described as abrasively
introspective
that just so
freaks you out
that it might be too much for someone who has
an addiction
now mushrooms i
think are a little mushrooms are good
anything that’s enlightening
anything that
allows you to step back
and look at it but it has to also
jive with your biochemistry you can say
everything enlightening but what if
you’re that one weirdo that’s allergic to peanuts and
you can’t even
drink diet coke or you get
splitting headaches
are there people that are allergic to weed like
sure there must be there’s people that are allergic to
everything i
would think a lot of bronc
like people that have like
smoking allergies in general and you know
yeah but if
that’s the case are they allergic to it to eat it
or what about
vaporizing well
vaporizing still has
smoke in it i don’t care what you
miss yeah but
doesn’t get
hot enough that’s the
whole deal you
still cough from it
i don’t call from it
i yesterday
you coughed yesterday from because i remember
going you’re
gonna be really fuck man no i
think think so
brian i think you’re
attaching that moment
that memory to some
other time i didn’t really do dimitri
martin’s allergic to alcohol really
yeah and peanuts like if you thought
i shouldn’t say this you
could be really mean and
throw something else in there if you do
it’s allergic to
pussy you know
i don’t know dude
there was an opening
right there
he’s a regular has
he yeah and
he is allergic to alcohol so what happens when he’s
drinking nuts oh he
breaks out if you
throw a peanut on his face his face will swell up
wow that’s crazy talk
about fucking being helpless on
stage someone
doesn’t like your
showing just
flicks a peanut at
you does he know
he knows i mean
now people know now i just
fucked him up man people
gonna be throwing peanuts at him that’s
just kind of fucked up because i’ve worked in so many
kitchens before
where like easily
there could be peanut in something and then
just be a dumb waitress that didn’t know or
you’re at this you’re making a
salad and a peanut
flies into something and it just
seems like that’s just thai
like pad thai
peanut sauce and shit yeah lady in
front of me was allergic to shellfish on the
fight like yesterday coming back from dc
and they gave her shrimp
and put it in
front of her
and she flipped out
she was like i can’t have it around me i can’t
even i can’t even be around it like
and i was like
if we have to land this fucking
pain because this chicken
he felt shellfish
whoa she was
freaking she was
freaking out pretty bad people do though
cause that’s her
think about that that’s your windpipe
like i’m allergic to gerbils right
right and people
wouldn’t recognize it enough
fucking bad
your ass swell up and
stuff no my wife
my kids got
at her school they got a gerbil
and so my wife was playing with the gerbil
one morning and then washed her hands
got in the car
grabbed the
steering wheel
i went to take my
sister to the airport grab the
steering wheel
my eyes shut
this part you know this part of your eye
that lining part
swell up over my eyes i’m okay i started
waters coming out of my eyes and it’s burning
lines down my face
my windpipe
closes up and i’m just like
and but i don’t know what’s happening at the time
cause i’m like i just fucking sat in a car
right i’m like oh shit this is a stroke
something’s going down
i call my wife
and then i start thinking
did she fucking play with the gerbil i just
asked out of the blue
she was like
but i washed my hands and i was like
fucking wow
my god can you believe that’s what i wash my hands
nah right you did
fuck you did
wash your fucking hands
trying to make up for it
revision is history
motherfucker but yeah
but i wash my hands oh that’s nonsense that’s craziness
sounds like something a thirteen year old
would tell you so
could you walk through like a pet
store if you just didn’t
touch anything or have you ever done that just like
cause you’re feeling dangerous on a saturday
fuck no that is so
crazy so anybody that has a gerbil in
their hand and
touch the doorknob you can
touch that and
which is jack you that’s oh
yeah yeah if i
touch like i’m
allergic to cats but i live with my wife has a cat
so i live with it so i’ve gotten over the allergy
wow that must have been
crazy in the beginning of the relationship
huh fucking talk
about swallowing your
pride and fucking deciding
my life is more less important dating this chick
wow and the
doctor we sat down with an hour just one time he’s like
so here’s the
deal the cat cannot be in the room with him or
one night he might die
and then you whoa
and the cat
is fucking there
and your wife’s like but i love the cat she
tried she tried but she
could hear the cat
clawing under the door
unless you want to let him in let him
sleep she’s not a cat longer than me i’m like four
months in oh
fuck it was all sol
just destructive
yeah you got
chose over it i
might have to kill that cat
oh damn dude
the cat she called one night
when we were moving
apartment she was like
we can’t find gus gus
and i was like oh it’s too bad i was like sweet
and then i came home
gus gus for like a day we couldn’t find this cat right
and then my
daughters are getting
upset cause they’re like
daddy gus gus is
he’s hungry i’m like he’s a fucking
street cat he can
fend for himself
so then i go into the old our old
apartment to look for him and i hear him
he’s in the fucking dryer
oh no so you
turned it on
part of me is like there’s a moment
where you have to make the call
do i just not say anything and just
leave like in
those fucking movies
where you just go
huh and just walk by
or do i rescue the cat and deal with my
allergies and i’m like i’m can’t fucking kill an animal
i can’t let an animal die
on my watch
yeah not like that like
gonna kill it
you stomp on its head punch
it or something i kill it
quick don’t let it kill i
like it my cat when i was
when i was in um
high school my dad accidentally
threw the cat in the dryer really
yeah i didn’t know the cat had gone to
sleep in the hammock
or in in the the hamper
because it was warm
clothes in the hamper
and no no no that’s not the
story the story was there was
i guess he went to
sleep in the dryer
whatever somewhere
another the cat got in the fucking dryer by accident
and my dad heard all this thump thump thump
thump thump thump
thump thump
thump thump
and he opened it once and looked and the cat was out
and the cat didn’t move so he was like well
guess nothing’s in here
and so he shut it
again and again
and act like a couple of minutes this man
then he opens it up the cat comes out screeching and
one of his teeth was broken off and
my my father felt so bad he felt
awful it was just a such a bad
scene you know the cat
lived though that’s a shitty
story yeah cat lived
with one fucked up tooth
he always had this one fucked up
tooth that reminded you of like
no wonder this cat’s crazy
imagine one day you wake up and you’re
blackness and you’re falling on
metal every
half a second
you just getting beat over the head
someone’s just beating the fuck out of you and you’re
flipping through the air
what a crazy way to wake up
inside a dryer and then to survive that
after minutes and minutes in that fucking dryer
i had a buddy who passed out and fell into a pool
and that was a terrifying way to wake up that
cat needed ibogaine
that cat needs yeah i was just gonna say yeah
why would you heal that cat with some
psychedelics i know
heal that cat with some ecstasy
by the way don’t don’t listen to anything i say
don’t take anything i tell you to take stop it don’t
don’t listen yeah i’m just a fucking comedian
all right i’m not qualified to be
diagnosing life
changing chemicals to any of you fucking freak
allow those guys
they come back like my cousin
they’re fucking fearless
from the war
you can’t fuck you can’t
phase these dudes like yeah once you
watch a bunch of people
shoot at you and you
shoot at them and kill people and then
you got some fucking frat boy telling you he’s gonna
fucking knock your
teeth in at a bar and
you watch my cousin
not give a shit
literally just go
really like
he got wasted this weekend and fell down a flight of
stairs and split his head open
and he was like
and all his buddies are like he’s fine i’m like dude he
has a head injury he fell down fucking at the dc improv
down those stairs
i never been the same problem it’s like a fucking
slippery icy stairs wow
and so he and
they were like he’s fine he’s fine don’t call fucking
ambulance just
hold johnny
gonna be fine johnny
gonna be fine he’s and he and then he
starts throwing up because he’s a concussion
all over the place
my good i’m like we’re calling the
ambulance i don’t give a shit
that they’re fucking you just can’t fade
these kids man that’s a new
generation coming back here
toughen it up
yeah they’re coming back here
after those
experiences hundreds of thousands of them
right god oh
stand up for
that change
it’s you know so unfortunate
you know it’s so
unfortunate that you got people that are willing to do
you know literally
anything for
their country like
cat tillman type people who really are true heroes
and then you know you look at what they get used for
you know you
look at how chaotic you talk to any soldier that
comes back from afghanistan to tell you it’s fucking
chaos over there yeah no one
thinks you could fix that
place that place is bananas
that’s fucked
it’s fucking
warlords man they’re like michael vick’s dogs
again just got a fucking
crazy end there
another thing
is they fuck boys over there like on a regular basis
it’s like there’s a the
weird culture over there
where they there’s
a lot of like men who take in like little
young boys like
they fuck them
like on a regular basis it’s like a natural part of
their culture it’s so common and so prevalent like
everything over there is so
alien to us
there’s like one city in the
whole country
and the rest of the country
is just like warlords
it’s like you can’t control
there’s like a hundred different fucking dudes with
a hundred different you know harems and
you know they’re
rocking one part of the country and holding it down and
you know the best way they get information from
these dudes the way they communicate with
these dudes
they give them viagra
that’s what the american soldiers do
viagra because they can’t fuck
their wives anymore so it’s hard to hold this harem
it’s hard to be a warlord when your dick
doesn’t work anymore
so they’re giving them viagra and now
these like 60 year old dudes who were just trying to
you know hang on and keep the young
bucks at bay
now they can bone
again so they can get some credibility
you can’t have love it 18 hot
young wives not fuck any of them someone’s
gonna fuck one of
those bitches you know yeah it’s
gonna happen you’re
gonna have to
shoot some young males or something you’re
gonna have to
prove your dominance
wouldn’t you
if you had gotten fucked in the ass as a child
wouldn’t you say
i mean this way i am i’d be like well i didn’t
enjoy that so i’m not
gonna do it to somebody else
well that’s a
rational logical way of
thinking it but apparently
what happens to some people’s
minds when something traumatic happens to them is
their mind gets rewired in a very very unhealthy way
and somehow or another when people are molested
they have some
folks have an
urge to do the
exact same thing that happened
to them to someone else almost like they’re reliving
their pain and
their tragedy and reintroducing it
to another person to try to
understand it or something i mean it’s like
it becomes an addiction to them
it becomes very very sick
i heard of women sometimes that get raped
state date raped try to fuck the same guy over
again to try to
make sure it was okay
and then a lot of times
those guys don’t want to be in that situation
again they know they did the bad thing
so then they
veer away from it and then that fucking ruins the
woman that got date raped
oh god that’s horrible man i hate
psychiatrical shit the way your brain
tries to fix things
is insane it is insane i
think that’s why that’s why
bullying is so dangerous
you know when you hear
about the kids at
school getting
stuffed in their lockers and all
this and then wind up
committing suicide and
some kid recently
fuck this story was so crazy some
i don’t know the full
details of it was someone something someone told me
but some 14 year old kid there was a
bunch of kids they were out on some a little event
this kid climbs to
the top of 10 stories
breaks a window and jumps out in
front of everybody
so they’re all
on there on some fucking vacation or some
school trip or some shit
this kid smashes a window and just
skydives into the pavement in
front of the
whole class
shit yeah were you
bullied at all
yeah i was bullied yeah
that’s why i got into martial arts really
yeah i think almost
every comedian is
bullied but to me
first of all i was little i wasn’t a big guy
and i moved around a lot
when my family was
seven we moved from new jersey to florida or
new jersey to
california and then
california to florida
so it’s like i
never really
like stayed long enough to make like good friends i
would like live in one
place in even
california we
lived in one street
and the next year we lived you
know halfway across town and then you
know in florida we
moved a couple of times it’s like
man i just never
really had a chance to make like long lasting friends
i went to an all boys
catholic high
school oh jesus that was just torture
me and then i was like the
funny like the
funny guy to my friends
so the older dudes
would just fuck you up and it wasn’t even like
bullying or just beat me up
wow just like you just got you knew
i got beaten up one time
this guy on the baseball team
freddy rosella i’ll say his name on
his shit fuck that dude he’s
still a beast he was a
beast when we were all fucking like children
he had like ball hair
like he was a
monster damn
and he sides a little kid with a beard
dude the guy was shaving in like eighth
grade i mean
he was a monster and his arms were huge
and he was the
captain of our baseball team
and i was like
junior sophomore
and he i was making a joke and he said
grazer shut your face
so i went as a joke
and he did not get that
and then he went to go
fight me and then i was like
but then they
broke it up wow so then we get done
he goes into the dugout
and i’m playing
catch with my buddies joe and
troy dean and
warming up and we see him walking
out we’re walking in they’re like oh freddy gets
upset sometimes
but he’s just come to apologize you look
he’s got a badge
probably had enough to the bat
batting practice and he’s just
gonna say sorry
so i was like okay don’t
worry i got this one so i have a
glove in hand ball on the
other hand i’m like
hey freddy and then he just with the baseball bat just
just starts beating the shit out of me
and like my
three friends
got on and they couldn’t pull this guy off of me
and i have a biden
never let go of the ball and i’m just like
and then you
know and then of course i just go to crying
cause i was
still like a
young boy and then
he beat me up and then the
coach was in there and fucking and we both played left
field together
so i had to go out and sit in left
field with him
after that whoa
but those things like that’s why i
think women how do you
how do you get past that moment and when run by him
again when this guy beat the
shit out of you he came to see me at the tampa improv
whoa recently
he me and him probably
never talked
about it we were cool
after that like
i mean we were like
you know we played on the same team for a year
after that and but
he came to tampa and
probably was
like what’s up man i was like hey how you doing
and then but i’m
still like gun shy
right you know cowhead the guy in tampa
radio show okay yeah
cowhead i used to tell a
story about getting in a
fight with a
black guy that
was i did all my hour special
and it’s a real
story it’s a true
story about getting the shit kicked out of my black guy
cow had looked him up and
found the dude
and was like i’m
bringing him in
studio oh my god
please don’t fucking do that
i was praying the guy was dead and be his
daughter listens
to the show or whatever i was like fuck
cause i’ve been telling jokes
about this guy on
stage for the past
eight years
there was this one dude that i went to high
school with
i don’t even remember his name i
think it was
kevin he was this
black kid that was way bigger than everybody else
he was like
this football player i didn’t really know him very well
i knew his brother his brother was a nice guy
but he was like a
scary dude to me just
looked like a mike
tyson looking dude
and you know i remember like
no one ever
fucked with this kid and everybody was always nervous
but there was something about him
where i’d be like man this guy just seems like
he just seems like too dangerous like there’s something
about him like
that makes me fucking nervous like
someone could
be that much bigger than you when you’re 16 years old
that much but
turns out he wanted murdering somebody wow
we had one kid in our neighborhood
definitely won’t say this guy’s fucking name
um the one kid you knew was
weird but you didn’t know like how to
like you just everyone be like who wants to ride
bikes and he’s like who dares me to go in the woods
and put a stick in my ass like that kind of kid
right just crazy one
night he was he had the keys to his this
chick that lived in our neighborhood
he had the keys to her
house because parents were
watching their
house and he’s like
hey you wanna go in her
house and get
weird and i was like
they’re not here
he’s like no come on don’t be fucking
crazy i go in there and i cut the
pussys out of
their underwear
and i was like
so my sister calls me like six
months ago she’s like
you remember
john and i was like yeah she was like
he’s in jail
i go really and she goes yeah he was working
for circuit city when they were
going out of business
and he stole one of the
trucks filled with a
bunch of equipment
and i was like really and she goes yeah and
they arrested him and then they fingerprinted him and
found out he had been killing
chicks down by the
causeway wow
i was like serial
if you fucking said
serial killer to me i
would have been like
if if i was the guy
next door i’d be like i fucking knew it i knew it oh
i saw that coming
holy shit how many
girls did he kill i have no idea but but i was like
and i’ve looked for it
online i can online i can’t find it online it’s so hard
when you run into someone who’s
completely fucking
crazy yeah it’s like what what
you know there’s no way to fix that guy when you’re
fifteen sixteen years old whatever and you’re
all the sudden you’re
going to high
school and you’re
hanging out with this kid who you know is
completely insane
yeah and it’s a
small neighborhood
like eight boys that’s it
oh my god and we
spent the night at this kid’s house and
like just fuck
and i’m like holy shit
man he i’m gonna
wonder when he started
you gotta you
gotta be it
starts young i remember him
shooting a frog with a
bb gun and i remember
him asking me to do it and i couldn’t
do it i couldn’t kill an animal i just couldn’t
in my head it you know at that age
but he was like
it’s funny it’s easy it’s easy they don’t move
but i think you have to start
i’ve got to
start in college
i wonder what
it is you know because some people like jeffrey dahmer
they say there’s nothing
wrong with his upbringing
you know some people were abused
when they were younger some people have some
you know various reasons for why they’re so fucking
crazy and psychotic but
with dahmer dahmer
is one of those
weird ones where they like
there’s nothing was
wrong with his
childhood but what parents
gonna be like yeah
i did that right of
course dahmer’s parents are
gonna be like yeah
you fucking didn’t know you’re not supposed to finger
their assholes every day
every day by the way
speaking of figure
their asshole
i saw a clip online of your show
where you went to the gracie academy in torrance
and you’re talking
about defense
and you said
oh i’ll just grab
their balls and figure
their asshole and horian
just stone faced you
and the way you held it dude was so
funny i was
laughing out loud
you held it just staring at him for like fucking
ten seconds man
with it was
like no one said anything and then he’s like okay
let’s go learn some techniques
some arm locks and some joint locks and some jokes
dude i got choked out
that day i saw
that isn’t that i fucked me up for like a week
because you know what it’s like to
to die you know what it’s like
to be totally helpless
and your windpipe to
close and your
blood to stop and
you fight it just like you’ve seen the
movies where you go no no no no
it’s very helpless
very helpless
especially with the gi
on man guys get collar
chokes on you that’s what
he did he gave me
like the collar thing
very hard to defend those
and that’s why i
stopped fucking with dudes
cuz i realize now
everyone’s a badass everyone
is i almost got in a fight
i almost got in a
fight recently
really yeah because
i just was like
my my wait no stober
it was in the morning i was going
to shoot something for comedy central and
i needed a bathing suit
so my sisters live on
an apartment building
blow starbucks
so i like fly in
and i kind of
block it two spaces
and they’re just
gonna throw my bathing suit to me
so they throw it and then as i pull out i realize i
blocked it and this guy’s pissed so he
he’s really
pisses as i pull out he zooms in gets out of his car
starts yelling at me
now i’m do come i’ve been in a lot of fist
fights so i do come from that kind of like
mentality of like talk shit and let’s
that’s my mentality at the time
so i said talk shit and let’s fight
i’ll fight yeah
you just ready to
fight some dude no no no not now not now
how long ago was this this was
this was like
three years ago
okay you’re a different guy now very
this moment and then the moment happened the next day
so then i he yells at
me and i roll down my window and i yelled at him i go
i was just trying to get my bathing suit
like that’s gonna
fuck it like he’s
gonna go oh i didn’t know go ahead
but i was like that was my defense
i’m just getting my fucking bathing suit i wasn’t
being a dick and then he goes fuck you
learn how to
drive and so i get out of the car
and then i stand up i come out here i
stand out the car and i go
come out here be a man
prove you’re a fucking man oh no you
do that oh my god you’re crazy
at a fucking starbucks now everyone’s like
did you know how to
fight at all
no but i know yeah i know how to
and this was la
right this is la
you women have you do have martial arts
training none whatsoever you don’t know how to box you
never wrestled
never box never wrestles
sparring just fist
fights in college
and god damn dude what are you doing you
crazy exactly
and it was at
that moment that i realized that he walked out
i would have to fist fight
ryan what if he’s good what do
you do what do you do if you get out there and you
start talking shit to a dude and the
dude just holds his hands up real natural and starts
bouncing around on his toes i get my car and drive away
he just pulls out a gun and
shoots you yeah this is la
yeah that too
but it’s that moment you
might be your ass
first yeah you need that one moment
where you go all
right that’s
never gonna happen
again yeah why
why have unnecessary
conflict you know that’s an unnecessary moment
that’s like just management
right there that’s management of
stress and emotions
yes because really you don’t even know this guy
if that was you what if you had done this
and the guy who you cut off was like your best friend
and you know you cut them
off and you’re like fuck i can’t believe i cut mike off
you know mike’s my best friend
yeah you know
your interaction with this guy is all
based on you know this conflict that you’re having
but those you
treated that
guy mine i know i know no but if you can
rewire your
brain to try to
think like that was he driving a prius
no he’s driving a teal
yes is a douchebag
i was gonna say i
might have done
it i saw a prius
he had a tl bmw
i told you i’m on a
eight eight
count eight
so far i’ve seen
eight priuss
flick cigarettes out
their windows
eight yeah it’s amazing
i started noticing
it in san francisco i’m like why do i keep seeing
these eco cunts
throwing cigarettes out
their window
there’s some
weird justification
well you could also
think that you
could just own a prius
because you want to save
money on gas
you don’t give a shit
about fucking yeah
i swear to god i unplug this fucking country
phone that’s funny now
that’s funny dude
what go from what
planned parenthood joe planned parenthood
adolf john mendoza sounds like
how do you hear planned parenthood
i’m always thinking planned parenthood you know
call anybody should you
you should great
place to pick up chicks is the
subway right
underneath the planned parenthood
get a bunch of sackers so
what were we talking
about before we
got cut out yeah don’t go and get an advice man i’m not
no i mean it’s like a
total hippie
thing to say
well look at that guy as if he’s your brother and
treat him as such but
you know a lot of shit can be
avoided just with like
cool talking to people
shit that could just turn your
whole life into ugliness oh dude
one fucking
i knew gynecologist
punched a dude one time and killed him
just he fell back on a
thing and kevin
james went to
he was a bouncer for a
while and he was a
bouncer with this dude
and a fight
broke out between some
drunks something happened
bouncer punched this kid kid felt
unconscious and banged his head off the curb and died
the bouncer
fucking college kids trying to make some
money all of a
sudden he’s in jail for like years
you know it’s like some serious shit he got
charged with manslaughter i
think that’s a lot of the reason why i wear hats and
sunglasses so much and i always look at the ground i’ve
never because
especially out
here i don’t
want i don’t
hair i don’t need to talk to anybody if i
wanna talk to somebody i’ll go to you you know type
of attitude like i like
people it’s
funny when you see
those people that hand out
things on the streets you know like flyers or
people like trying to get you to sign
things when you walk
into the grocery store
you see that i
watch them like go hey
to every person
and i get up and they don’t say a word to me
they like cause i
purposely sent out a vibe to be like
don’t talk to me
yeah i’m not
happy when they get me in the parking lot of the
supermarket
when i’m trying to put my groceries into the truck yeah
you know what are you doing this
guy comes up to me with his one finger up in the air
okay holding it up in the air like
above his head
and he points it at me and he goes
do you have one
minute for gay rights
no do you have one
minute for gay
rights unless we’re talking about
les bo rights
and i was like yeah
dude i’m going to my fucking car get out of here
this is nonsense
and i have one
minute for you
this ain’t about gay
rights man you’re not
gonna fix gay
rights by me giving you a dollar or by me
giving you my fucking
email address that’s not
gonna fix gay
rights what’s
gonna fix gay
rights is voting
and people learning how to be nice to each
other and not being prejudiced
not some fucking weirdo
who accosts
you in a parking lot with a finger in your face
do you have one
minute for gay rights he
just so pronouncedly offensively gay yeah
you know with his finger in my face
gay guys come on
man gay guys have
started just fucking hate me
why i don’t know they see me and i
think they just look at me and they’re
like fucking that guy was a nightmare in high school
think you’re
homophobic oh and a
heartbeat i don’t
know furthest
thing from home
you look like a decent bear
you know do
a decent bear bears
folks at home that are innocent
is what a hairy
overweight gay man is a bear that’s what they call
and now that now a
bunch of people are looking this going
oh that is your chest hair
your chest hair
yeah a little bit it’s just joe got so gay right there
both you two
you just almost kissed have you ever seen a gay porn
yes accidentally accidentally
me too and i watch over 40 minutes
a bunch of shit on my
website there’s always
stuff but one time
i was i picked up
this girl in long island and we went back to her place
and she had she said there’s this
video that’s here
that was here when i
moved in i think it’s porn
and i go oh yeah
and so she throws it in and it’s
these two dudes in the woods
and one dude’s got his back
against the tree
and the other dude is looking
at him i’m like why is he looking at him like that now
i didn’t know it was a gay porn i thought it was a porn
i put a lot of backstory on it
like yeah man this is
gonna be a strange story
i never did like the
story ones i like the clips just cut
right to the
bone and i don’t need to know that you’re a
pizza man okay
so anyway this
dude pulls the guy’s
pants down starts sucking his cock
and i literally
started hyperventilating i was like what
like i’d never seen
mind you you kids today
you grow up this is the
age of the internet you see
dude sucking dick all the time
i had never seen a man actually suck a dick
until this moment
and i was probably 22 years old somewhere around then
22 23 so this guy
starts sucking this guy’s cock
and i was like wow they really do do it
that’s what i
thought in my head like i knew what that’s what gay was
like i lived in san francisco for
three years when i was younger
my actually my aunt i told the
story before but my aunt used to get high with
these gay guys that live next door
and they used to
smoke pot and get
naked together
and like one guy
would play the bongos and they were really
weird and there’s like this big muscular
black guy and his
white little
bitch boyfriend
and my aunt
would go over and
smoke pot so i grew up with gay people
yeah it didn’t bother me i didn’t know but
watching the guy actually suck the cock i’m like whoa
you can’t take that back dude
you are sucking a cock on video
i can’t believe that’s getting
people to do it
i couldn’t believe that they
could get people to do it
even if you were gay you want people to know that much
you want people to see the gay stuff
i used to have a joke
about you’re
gonna hate this
but why would i hate it
cause i used to
i used to say what
i looked to the audience
say who’s seen the gay porn and no one
i said who’s seen the ufc
and then everyone i go here’s my pitch
mix the two
genres right
fights where the winner gets to fuck the
loser in the app
i’m not saying anyone
would watch the entire
fight but how hard
would you fight
if your asshole was on the line you
would fight hard as shit no tap outs
no tap outs just the best part
that i thought
would be after the guy is
unconscious
watching brock
lesnar try to get hard in the thing
i just don’t want to get hard before
i can put them in the ass come on come on come on
come on so what if that yeah what if he takes him down
to rape them and the guys out he can’t get it out can’t
get it up and he’s just sitting there and then the guy
starts coming to he’s got a
contest with that
maybe just win by tap
and tap that ass
but yeah they
you’d always get like
why would i hate
that though that’s hilarious
i don’t know i just thought
like ufc guys
brings up the whole
when the so gay with two guys rubbing
well guys like you like to
think it’s gay
no actually
you know what
i might have thought that when i
first you know
thought of it the
first time ever but now you know i don’t
think of it but it’s funny
every time i go to like open mics and
stuff like that that
whenever they talk about ufc
that comes up they show
that’s like
asian drivers or black eyes
on tip yeah
you know it’s all like it’s all
right there it’s a hot
topic it’s the easiest
conclusion to draw you know
you know what
you see these guys in
their underwear
looking gay
they stopped wearing the tight ones
some guys wear the
tight ones yeah that’s how
jersey player
will still rock the tights yeah
was packaged there
you know what i’m saying
it just smuggling it
now would you ever fight in
ufc no i would not have this i don’t
think you should ever dabble in fighting
i think fighting is a very very very dangerous
thing and you should be obsessed with it
and it should be your soul focus
you shouldn’t be
know a stand up comedian
slash you know author
slash podiatrist
slash ufc fighter no when was the last fist
fight you got in like a provoked street not
since i was in high school really yeah
no how by the time i was in high
school i was already a martial arts
champion see i
was so scared of getting
bullied and kids fucking with me that i just
became obsessed with martial arts
yeah and so when i was you know 16
i was already winning all
these big tournaments when i was 17 that was the
massachusetts
state championship i was
fighting in the men’s
divisions when i was a kid when i was like 15 and 16
so most of the kids that i knew
at the time
they all knew that i was doing that so but i
would just left me
alone but i was
still terrified
i was still scared even when i was
fighting in tournaments i was afraid of bullies and
getting my ass kicked i didn’t totally believe that i
could kick someone’s ass really even when i was
knocking out
grown men and
in sparring and
you know and then
you know having
fucking wars in the gym i would
still run into bullies and you know kids that
i knew that were like bullies and i’d be scared of them
i just did i didn’t want him to fuck with me i wanted
to make sure i can get away from let me just go around
the outside like i even when i was winning fights
against train
fighters are
still like it
fucks with your head me and my friends that we all got
bullied by the same bullies
you know but we were all like
the artist kids you know
i what we would always do is like
like draw pictures of them
with cocks in
their mouth and
stuff like that
and just like
put them around like the bathrooms and
the girls bathrooms and
throw them in there
would just turn around the corner
toss a bunch of drawings in there
like i would say like
did you copy them or
did you just rake the same drawing over and over no we
copied them and then
with a copy machine
yeah but we
would make it like kind of like currency
and they knew we were the artist
your mic is so much louder than everybody’s mic
we knew the same thing
same thing as
yesterday is there a setting or something
so much lower on this
board if you can
come look at it
maybe your mic is better than ours
i don’t know
i don’t know i’m
sorry i’m sorry
but anyway so
we would draw a
bunch of different ones so there was like all
these kind of
like five dollar bill 10 dollar bill 20 dollar bill
a different kind of currency
of bullies getting bullies with dixon
cocks and stuff like that hilarious that’s so
funny yeah i wanted to i just
pitched the
travel channel they were trying to think of
ways to promote
my new show and i thought i had the most
genius idea
i was like what if you made like
busts a bust of me
like this big right
just my bust
it like with my
mouth open and
it fit over
urinal mints
like urinal cages
so you put them in
urinals all over the country just me with my
mouth open so people could
piss in my mouth
i was like everyone
would fucking talk
about those
and like i’ve thought it would like
spread like wildfire and they looked at me like i
was out of my fucking mind i’m fairly confident i would
never have come up with that idea
but if you saw one in a bar
would you not
bring it up
i would never want anybody pissing in a symbolic
mouth of mine
because i don’t want to give anybody that idea
i don’t want dudes go you have and
after we piss in his mouth
let’s fuck him in his mind i hadn’t
thought it all the way through possibly
down you jerk off in his hair and i’m
gonna shit on his chest
you know i don’t want to open up the door for anything
degrading it wasn’t
flushed out but
i thought it
would be like one of
those like marketing
geniuses hmm
would you would want to give
people something that everybody wants and needs and
doesn’t really
have on them like if you want to give them a lighters
you know something like that
would burke the conqueror lighters
or give them something they’re
gonna use so they’re gonna
enjoy the fact that oh i got this from
birthcock like a keychain
who uses a fucking keychain man that’s
silly it’s just
more shit to
have in your pocket put your fucking key in your pocket
right yeah you know but like you know
bert the conqueror keychains that’s not
gonna come up that’s not good
but but like
maybe a lighter no
especially people
who are smokers
i was i told her to
bring like a thousand
stickers and just send them to kids
and then they’ll get
annoyed you
stick their
stickers bert the conqueror cunt
these guys got fucking
stickers all over my
school what
is a thing though that you
could use that
would really help
people besides like pens and shit like that like what
would people
enjoy is there a
piece of swag
that people
would actually be
happy to get
brian you’re into all that shit
yeah you know the
thing i would
think of iphone cases
that’s not a bad
movie because i mean i know so many
so many chicks that
have no iphone case i’m like dude you’re so fucking
stupid you’re
gonna break this you know you’re gonna
drop so dope without a case
it does look
dope but all
their excuses is like i know i just need
it is pretty
stupid that you have to
have a case too that bothers the shit out of me man i
think that’s so dumb
i had that little rubber bumper on i
dropped it shattered
really yeah they’ll
get the graph
like i got a good fat rubber one now
what about what
about bert the conqueror
magnetic wristbands
oh those hologram
bullshit yeah those
bullshit bans those
things pass them out people like oh fuck
i’ve seen so many high level
fighters wearing
those things and it makes me so sad
it’s like why don’t you just
take a chicken
head and wrap that around your neck let’s
do some voodoo yeah
but it works what is that
brian see this
is like a rubber iphone case that i got the
other day from some japanese with a focus
on listening on itunes he’s holding up some sort of a
you just got that for free japanese
no i didn’t get it for free but i’m just saying if you
feel it this is like a
cheap that is a
cheap product
well they cost like 30
bucks though dude
yeah but that much
that’s super markup if you go to
ebay if you go to amazon you can get like
oxides really
so how much do you
think that would cost to get
this probably like a dollar well i
think probably just the part alone
i’d probably say like not
even a dollar 13 something like that something cheap
how did you
come up with a dollar 13 because it seems more official
does right if you
added like an
extra number in there
i bet there’s a company on
the internet that you can
print out your own iphone cases what
about birth to conqueror
sunscreen little
packets of sunscreen
that’s not a bad idea as long as you know that it
doesn’t like
give you cancer or something because i’ve read some
crazy shit about sunscreen actually contributing
to cancer in some people fucking great yeah
that’s all i do is lather in sunscreen i do too man
fucking i have
a friend of mine who’s got skin cancer right now
had a big big
chunk of meat removed from his head
now how did he notice
was it itchy
or here’s the
scary thing
he went to a dermatologist and the dermatologist
said nothing the dermatologist
said i don’t
think you should
worry about it and then a year
later he went to
another dermatologist and it turns out it’s skin cancer
and it was pretty deep they had
to really dig into his head to cut it out wow that’s
scary because i mean i have this one
well i’m a moly
motherfucker
and bitch i have
this one mole on my back that always
feels so weird it’s like crusty
feeling sometimes and then i went to the dermatologist
and they’re like oh no that’s fine here look at
these pictures see that that’s what you
wanna look out for
where it looks like red dots and it’s
all crazy looking
and i’m like okay
but i’ve always thought no that’s not
right i haven’t
checked out
tense i’m a hypo
massive hypochondriac
are you really oh i
found a fucking
ingrown hair
under my arm one time and because i just hung out with
schimmel i was like i got fucking non hodgkin’s
lymphoma this
is how it starts
oh my god i was in a fucking convince myself
whole flight home
went straight to the doctor
and she’s looked at it she was it’s an ingrown hair
holy shit dude
check this out i had an ingrown hair in my
belly button you remember this oh my god i
gotta see this
this is like four
four or five
again this show turned gay for
oh my god i
gotta see this don’t look
amazing in my mouth
if you have
an ingrown toenail anything ingrown that’s pussing
i’m dying to
see it oh yeah
you don’t you
haven’t typed in bot fly
extraction i
have seen it
i want one so bad
what just the idea
with you just the idea to pull it out i
maybe i don’t want one i want my wife
to get one so you can
pull it out
oh that looks
awesome let
me see you know you
have it now this is like four or five years ago and it
got a weird pus
thing going on son
you don’t go you don’t do that
if i get anything like a good pimple
oh my god it
swelled up my
belly button to the
point where you couldn’t even put your finger in it
and then one day it just
filled up with
blood and yellow
stuff and white
stuff we gotta be
really careful
about staph infections
and this is
for anybody that listens to the podcast please
if you have any
weird infection on your body that you know
maybe it’s a spider bite i don’t know what it is
go to a fucking doctor and get that
checked out
cause you could fucking die staph infections are
scary shit did you
guys do you probably don’t know the
comics dendroy johnson he’s from tampa
right so i’m
going on facebook one day and i
click on it and the when the
thing his post is
doctors say it looks like i’ll keep my leg
and then now i’m like
what the fuck
right so i go to his page
and i start
clicking back
older post to find out
like what happened
so i go back like
two months two weeks
later and and it
starts like he’s at the dayton
funny bone and he’s like yeah
so um i got a
weird bite on my leg last night
uh i wonder if it’s a spider bite i’m
gonna get some calamine lotion next day
it’s getting
worse the day after that
okay this is really
starting to concern me the day after that
i’m having a hard time walking
and like you can see
it getting worse and worse and
worse and then he ends up in a hospital he’s like
doctor say i’ll keep my leg and i’m like
wow fuck it’s like this guy
it’s like this
what was it
i have no idea it must have been mercer
it must have been that that there’s a
crazy strain of
staff we talked about
the antibiotics brian
but people not taking
their antibiotics in the full dose so it
doesn’t kill the bacteria
and it creates
things these
antibiotic resistant
strains yeah of of infection and
staff is one of the scariest ones man
oh fuck yeah
there’s donna
de erico apparently has it real bad
who the baywatch
chick donna
de erico shut up
she got mercer
she got it real bad
apparently it
was in the news like she was in like really bad shape
i always worry
about that at
barry’s boot camp
like about because i don’t
think they clean it
well this is what you got to make sure
you know when you ever get any sort of scratch there’s
a company called defense soap that has a
bunch of different
solvents or
salves and all
these different things
and they’re all natural oils that kill and any like
funky infections but any open
wound any open scratch you
gotta clean that
it has to be
cleaned and
you have to make sure you put something on it you know
these ointments
and salves they’re all like natural it’s all
eucalyptus oil and tea tree oil
kills all funky shit
you know just give yourself a
fighting chance
the dudes run around with
like deep scratches and they don’t do anything about it
and something you don’t
clean it and then it gets infected like
you can fuckin lose your arm
like that’s
no joke man i know a dude who got one in his
elbow and his
elbow was fucked up
he got it in
jiu jitsu didn’t know
what it was hurt him didn’t do anything for a while
and by the time he went to a doctor you
know he’s a
tough guy he’s an
australian dude
by the time he went to a doctor it’s too late
he had this
giant hole in his arm because
his arm had
swollen up to
this monstrous looking
thing that’s
twice the size of a normal elbow
fuck that happened to ari
shafir too already got one on his knee
and we were
playing pool and i saw him limping around the pool
table i go what the fuck is going on
and he goes i got bit by a spider and as soon
as he said that to me i said oh fuck you know i had had
staff once and
i was lucky that somebody
pointed it out to me i didn’t know what it was
i got it really really
early it was just
a few pimples on my leg and my friend
tate looked at it he goes dude what is that on your leg
i don’t know is it
zits or something
he goes i think you got
staff man you
gotta go get
that checked out
and what it is is it’s
folliculitis i forget how it’s with the actual term is
but when you see
like follicles that are like little infected follicles
that’s the beginning
that’s the beginning of a staph infection
and it could be nothing it
could go away
or it can get ugly and be
nasty and aries had turned into like this
swollen posse looking
thing that looked like he had been bit by something
and it was just a rampant
staff infection so
how do you get rid of it
well he had to go on some serious antibiotics and
he got it again
he got staff
again like a year later
how’s he getting it
well he got it
from jiu jitsu
got it from
jiu jitsu and that happens in
jiu jitsu and
the way it happens is you’re getting scratched and
scraped and
you’re sparring and when you’re sparring you’re
essentially
going pretty much full clip on each
other and you
know you get
cuts and your knees scratch on the ground and if you
wash yourself like ari would just like fucking
he would just like not take a shower at all even that
night and he would have like ten dudes rape
sweat all over him
just leaking into various holes in his
body honey pot of disease
and then some poor shit gets in that
same bed the next week and fucking the next town and
bang bang chicks in that bed and by the way
re changes his sheets no bullshit once
every six months
he went six
months without
changing the sheets
no i think it was even longer than that
cause it was like
yeah a very long time and he wonders
why the fuck he gets staff
yo dude you
gotta clean your
house son i love that
video of his asshole
jt lam oh my god it’s the best
so strange it really defines
what hemorrhoids really are like
yeah i didn’t know what
they last anus
your butt is
your butt’s popping out from the inside how do you do
stand up with that in the back of your
pants i know
man how do you
show it to everybody and not give a fuck i can’t even
sit on my wallet and
ari is already sitting on a golf ball i
think it’s comfortable though it’s like
it’s probably like you know like
those things you put on your inner
air mattress no like the doctor scholl’s
he’s just chilling
are you doing just jealous oh no
he’s his mind’s told works
totally different than mine so yeah talking to him
about getting on smoking weed
a prescription
for flying because i have a terrible fear of flying
he’s like dude you just
gotta take one of
these gel tabs
and i’m telling you man like him and
ralphie yeah
two people that i just don’t
under a player
just take two of these
don’t listen
don’t listen i
think they’re fucking being dicks like
they don’t mean to
but like i just i
took like half of one and was melted yeah a breast trip
one of those little
things if you get a hold of those
jammies those
you take a half
if you’re an
og any yeah don’t eat anything if you didn’t make it
yourself man it’s just too hard to know the dosage they
gotta regulate that shit yeah it’s not fucking like
dudes that work in
intel making
microchips with
fucking lab coats on
some asshole in a tie dyed
t shirt and a
goofy ponytail
and he’s throwing some shit into a bowl
and if he’s making it he
clearly has a high tolerance yeah
he’s like who am i
gonna make this for fucking
kids exactly
there’s a dude that came to visit us
and he came to
visit us at the john lovett’s club
and he gave me some shit me and joey
after the show
we both like just sat there and joey always leaves he
always leaves
always yeah
girl if i go on stage
i know that it’s a
second show by the time i get off stage
joey’s gone
i got off stage i’m saying hi
i’m saying bye to the
staff thank
you everybody blah blah blah gathering all my shit
and i see joey sitting in a
chair i ain’t
gonna lie to your dog
i ain’t moving
i ain’t moving joe rogan
that’s how high i am you’re not
going anywhere either
stay here with me cocksucker
stay here the
whole time he was sitting there
watching you joe when you’re on stage
sweating like
hand going like a thousand
miles a moment just
sweating he
would look at me and get those eyes
you know he’s like looking at you like that
the point being
these motherfuckers in
their cookies man they were too strong
already ate
they had the like
these what are
those called biscotti’s
the guy told me only eat a half already
ate a whole one
and joey ate one and a half of them yeah joey
ate one and a half the guy says eat a half joey goes ha
i laugh in the face of danger
he just ate all of it yeah
now what happens to your
brain when you get
is getting too high like getting too drunk
no it’s when you get really really high
especially if you eat it
it’s really
psychedelic
it’s very it’s
it’s really
introspective it really
it brings up your past and you
start thinking
about all kinds of
weird shit about your
childhood and
things that you did
you know you’re
upset that you did to someone when you were like
seven you know
you just start really
tripping out
about weird shit and
it’s much more
it’s like a much deeper much more like
psychedelic trip than just smoking it
when you’re
smoking you get really high you get paranoid you get
hyper aware
you start feeling really vulnerable you
start being really sensitive to shit
but when you eat it you
start hallucinating
especially when you
close your eyes
when you eat it and you
close your eyes dude i
always for me for whatever reason it’s cartoons fucking
that’s what i see
i see these really bizarre
alien impossible describe cartoons
fucking and i can
never exactly see what they look like
cause whatever they look like
right now is not what they look like a
second from now
they just keep
morphing and
changing and it’s like
some sort of
these alien cartoons fucking that’s what i see
every time i
close my eyes when i get
super baked that’s what i know
if i’ve eaten like a pot cookie that’s what i know i’m
deep in the terror zone
really yeah you get into that strange
place of it almost feels that you
feel like you are now in another dimension like you’ve
entered into an
alien world
you look at the
world around you
the mechanical
world like airplanes and
pilots and stewardesses and
cars and trolleys and you look at all that shit
and the mechanical
interfacing it all becomes like you become like
super aware of it all and it
feels like an
alien world
because there’s a
world all around you that you’ve totally
taken for granted
that is completely
bizarre the
world of you
climbing into a
metal box with these
squishy rubber
tires connected to this
hard pavement they’ve created and molded over the
earth and you’re in this box and
while this is happening
the giant fucking nuclear explosion that
lights everything up and you’re
spinning around it
going a million
miles an hour through the fucking universe
it’s just too much man
you have to compartmentalize your life
and what pot does is it
doesn’t let you compartmentalize you can’t say well i
gotta get the kids to school
you know pot
pot goes yeah you do but
look at what life really is
look at space it goes on forever
inside every galaxy there’s a
black hole inside
every black hole’s another universe
filled with hundreds of billions of
galaxies each with a black hole
each with another universe with hundreds of billions of
galaxies and
the whole mass of it all just
starts fucking overwhelming you
that’s the problem with pot that’s why people think
people go oh it makes me paranoid
you know you
should be paranoid
if you were really
smart you would realize a the shit all ends
everyone’s gonna it’s gonna stop
for all of us
are we trying to get me into an anxiety attack
jesus christ
but i mean that’s
something that we ignore
you know i think
we should appreciate the moment but we
should be aware that it’s temporary
and to deny it
and just to put it in the back that’s not helping you
because then when the pot comes on
and you get
super paranoid about that
what you’re
super paranoid
about is about something you
haven’t really addressed in your own mind you
haven’t come to grips with it it’s a real fucking
thing that one
day you will find out is there a god is there a devil
is there fucking
space aliens that take you away in
their crafts
right or is this one step in an endless
cycle of things that
you can’t even recognize what the next one is it’s so
bizarre and
alien this is
alien man this
world that we live in if we didn’t live in this
world we were some sort of an
empty rational
objective being
you know that was like looking at
human culture we
would say this is the
way to live is the craziest thing ever
that’s why that’s why
if i ever get really rich i’m moving to idaho
i’m buying a mountain
i’m making a huge
rock sculpture of myself
with paintings of like
carved into the mountain of what i did like real
outrageous stories
cause that’s the only
thing that’s
gonna be left
that is you’re gonna
go make faro
faro cryshares
cause that’s all
that’s left man
that’s all that’s left
all the steel
crumbles it’s
gonna be me
crazy horse and the fucking four
presidents yeah and they’ll be like who is this bird
how dope is that
crazy horse
structure they’re
still working on that
thing i’ll be doing that shit too that’s what you
should do forever joe
let’s do this okay i will i will
spearhead this
i will quit comedy tomorrow okay i don’t need a lot of
money all i need like a
bunch of dynamite
and and i just want to do you know how to do this
no we’ll figure that shit out we can figure it out
lewis and clark made it across the fucking country dude
i’ve been watching this new show
i think it’s called the wild within
it’s a new show
on the travel
channel dude i
watched it last
night for the
first time i saw the ads and i
started t bowing it
fuck it’s awesome man dude
and he went through
lewis and clark
way through montana there
goes pit bull
hunting for fucking
bore next week
jesus christ like old school
yeah we’re taking some pit bulls we’re getting a bore
dude i had a dog that was
trained for that shit i had this hawaiian
pit bull that they use for wild hog hunting
he was crazy
frank you remember
frank frank was
crazy that was a dog i
could not stop that dog from wanting to attack
other animals
it was bred to go
after hogs so he was like
super super
aggressive it was a
tremendous pain in the ass now how’s
your dogs with the girls
oh they’re great
the dogs that i have now
are very like
the johnny the big one the mastiff is very calm
yeah he’s you know
he was like
the guy who bred him bred
dogs for fear factor and he really is conscientious
about how he mixes them
he makes sure that dogs that are
aggressive to people or even
other dogs they
never get to
breed so he only
breeds the best
personalities and he’s been doing it for
generation after generation
so he really is
and he’s very
proud of it
so his dogs have like the best temperament
like he went over his house
and his dogs like they’re
these giant
things but they’re
so calm and friendly and they come over to you to
check you out and assess
and make sure okay let me just make sure you’re cool
okay come on in come on in
relax that’s what i want yeah you
get one of those i
hook you up
i wanted an argentinian mass test
those are crazy you
gotta be careful of
those and why i didn’t know
and then i submitted i sent an
email to the
lady and then she sent back a questionnaire
and do you have kids first yeah
first question do you have kids and i was like yeah
second question
do you plan on
sleeping with a dog
yeah i was like i don’t understand
sex with them
is that what it is yeah
a lot of you
didn’t want to before
before mrs rogan
moved in i used to
sleep with the dogs
really sleep with two pit bulls in my bed yeah
yeah they love it they love
sleeping with you
they love you man dogs you know
when you have a real relationship with dogs like that
they really are like the
sort of subhuman baby that you have it’s like it’s not
quite human you don’t love them as much as that but
you know there’s
an affectionate like loving bond between you and a dog
ever since you and callen
like two weeks ago last week
said like your guys were talking about how
crazy is it that we’re riding
horses yeah
like i started looking at animals like
just sitting in my
house like it’s
weird i got fucking
dominion over that bitch
yeah well what’s
weird is when they can kill you and they don’t know
yeah when you have a pit bull or in my mastiff he
could kill me i’ve worked with chimpanzees
maybe four or five times yeah
i had a chimpanzee
adult an adult chimpanzee
on my on my shoulders
with both ears
in his hands
oh no for fucking spike tv
and i was like making 13
grand an episode oh my god you fucking
possibility of my nose being bitten off
a real good possibility
i’ve worked
with a male
male chimpanzee aren’t
sitting on my neck
john the john moore this
wouldn’t an
ep i’ve worked with a
ton of times
has a picture of it
and he’s just got both my ears in his hands
i worked with a bear how big is
he who’s a fucking
beast like how big how much
like he was like a
seventh grader
like the seven
hundred pounds
yeah yeah sort of
had a lesson
just wasn’t yeah
i wrestled a bear one time for that
work show dude
that’s the fucking scariest
thing i’ve ever done in my life did you ever see the
video that guy who is a
trainer and
the bear kills i killed his brother or his cousin i
think was his brother it’s this i
might be the same bear i worked with really
cause i worked with the bear that was it was a
movie bear yeah it was like the bear that fucking
fought will ferrell
in the movie semi pro
really i think this is the bear we’re talking
about dude that
bear killed somebody so they
let’s let’s find this out real
quick because i
think his name was
bam bam or it’s from bam bam
family one of the bears that we fought that day was
named bam bam i know that or i
think that this podcast is filled with bears semi pro
bear kills trainer
yeah that’s the
first thing that comes up
what was the bear’s name i
think is either
rocky rocky and bam bam were the massive animal who are
named rocky is being put through obedience exercises
was being put through obedience exercises
wow he just decided to just bite this dude on the neck
where is it let me see a picture of
where it is
that looks like
where it was is it in
california um
yes yeah big bear
yeah we had to
drive out we had to
drive out dude
this is the bear this bear killed somebody we
there’s only
like four bears you can work with it’s like fucking
black black actress
so you worked with this
murder bear
wait that was a really good joke we’re
gonna pass by that’s pretty good i’m
sorry i mean
that book is
it that’s so true
i wasn’t even thinking
about it no i apologize so i like how you
claimed it though
you like stop stop that was a good lie
strong i like that so you go to this it’s like how’s al
sharpton keep getting work
what the fuck
man you guys can’t do better than that guy that’s
ridiculous that guy’s the safest man in america
no one’s killing him
so ridiculous no
white supremacist is
gonna kill him they love what he does they don’t
carry so yeah
he’s so buffoonish he gets up with his windows open so
al sharpton
walked by the comedy
store one night and we were hammered
it was me and god
i think ari was there
eddie bravo was
definitely there and
he’s walking by
and as he’s walking by
al sharpton
we all just
start yelling out
how sharpton’s a pimp
how sharpton
work that motherfucker
everyone’s yelling
at like five different dudes go get yours out
fuck those dummies
and he’s like kind of waving and
not knowing how to respond and we’re just like letting
yeah we know you’re a
crook but go
ahead go get it
you do trigger how he got his
his tomorrow broadly
style no his his
relaxed hair relaxed no
he used to look like fucking buckwheat
right and then and then
godfather of soul
james brown
was said i can
get to a meeting with the president and we can get a
you know we get in there tomorrow i
think was like
i want to say was nixon or fucking
reagan or carter
james brown just called
the office and was like we got a meeting i saw the
movie good hair
we got a meeting and he goes listen
i ain’t taking you to meet the president if your hair
relax he got his
hair done just like dude bro
way it was on the
movie good hair best fucking
movie i’ve seen
in the longest time
you cannot go through
tsa and not
guess if black
women have fucking weaves
it makes you reassess
black women entirely
oh that’s the best
movie so anyway
so they on her vert
i fucking i had
broken my ribs i got mauled by a bull
whoa whoa it’s online it’s online just type in
hurt burt rodeo
this is all from your show this
hurt bird this is one i did
right after the x show
where i met you like
10 years ago so
i stepped on
your foot and
it hit your side or something
broke my ribs and
broke my foot
so did this team
didn’t teach me a fucking
thing on the show
they just bring me in and go
so today you’re
gonna be a rodeo clown
i go what do i need to know and
they just stay away from the bowl and just let the bowl
loose put me in the makeup oh my and it just fucking
broke it just mauled me
and so you’re like you’re
alive man dude you have no fucking idea
you have no fucking idea
who’s responsible for this show
mark cronin
who is the producers mark cronin the guy who does
he did celebrities
on vh1 what year
was it like 90
2000 oh so they really weren’t
hip to how dangerous all this shit was it
was done through fox
and they were
literally like i remember them going
it’s simple we’ll just pay him as a contestant
and then we’ll give him the rest of his money
for being a producer
so i was covered
because you’re a contestant
technically i was like
a reality show contestant
so i was covered under that
insurance clause
and then i was just paid like the rest
80 of the money is a producer and
executive producer on the show
wow so but the idea was it was
you can’t sue yourself because you’re a producer
right it’s your idea
and it’s the most brilliant show that
never took off it
was jackass means
dirty jobs do you want to see it joe i
would go out
and i would
take dirty i
would take dangerous jobs for a day
so as a professional football player
mma fighter
hockey player
dominatrix guild did you actually have an mma fight
no i just fucking fought
three gracies at once oh
and they just
beat me up that way yeah so that was what i
watched that was
man that’s a
what is like
putting your fucking body on the line like that all the
time i was young and i was in and i just was like and
then that was the theme of
entertainment at the time
was that like
jackass i had done this ass wax in like
2000 that had
blown up before jackass
i did an ass wax it’s the funniest
thing i’ve ever done in my entire life
cause i swear to
god if you’re listening this thing just
type in bert hurt bert ass wax
and it’s longer
because that’s the way segments were made then
but it is the funniest
thing i’ve ever done in my
the funniest
wow like share got a hold of it and
started passing around to people
and like it got talk soup clip of the year
i know this
that’s the reason i’m not
fucking i literally
everything i’ve ever done is just kind of like fallen
it happened how
long is this clip
it’s too long
yeah yeah that’s wax but uh
so then then
and then we did the bull
thing i broke my ribs and so we had
to kind of stay in the city because i couldn’t really
travel and they’re like so
after you broke your ribs did you
they give you time off say okay heal up and then you go
right back at it they gave me
like two weeks
and then what yeah two weeks and then two weeks off
and you have broken ribs two weeks i just laid in bed
on bed rest didn’t do anything
right but you can’t just go back out with broken ribs
cause you can
they can fracture and become
embedded in your
organs or shit yeah we didn’t really
think a lot of this through
god damn dude
when i was a
football player we were doing helmet helmet contact
i basically shot a porn one day
when i was the
dominatrix camp
i basically shot a porn
really i mean i was
naked and this girl was just
fucking doing
everything she
could to my junk
like putting
weights on my balls and whoa and it was insane
it was insane
it was the wild west of reality television
because what was huge at the time is fear factor right
everyone’s eating shit and jumping out of shit and like
crazy and so
it was this next level
stuff where you didn’t know you
could just host something and be charming
and people would
stick around for that
you just had to take it to the next
level you had to fucking try to
bring it and you were competing with that
doggy dog like
jackass right
so what you got about
doggy dog i mean yeah it was like the craziest shit
so then the
opus not the opus but like the height of it was
towards them when they were like hey do you wanna
fight a bear
and i was like
i was like who does that for a living and they’re like
you do on thursday oh my god
sure enough man they just took me out and fucking
dude what was that like uh
terrifying cause
terrifying cause
you see the bear
he’s totally wild like he’s jumping up and down and
there’s like a crew there
and i gotten this
but this time
i realized i don’t have a really i don’t give a shit
about my safety
cause i’d already gotten fucked up by the bull
so what they’re looking for
is the end is to hurt bert bert to be hurt at the end
so um so then i mean it’s a
it’s a little bit
it’s a little bit of a bit it’s not a bit but it’s the
story is a story the
i get there and the
trainers like this how we’ll do it
take these and hands me five
marshmallows
he goes on the bears not looking
take a marshmallow and put it in your mouth
and then casually
walk in front of the bear
and show him the
marshmallow like hall
and allow the bear the
opportunity to engage you and take the
marshmallow out of your
mouth with his
mouth this way he’ll
learn to trust you
i’m like fuck that
wow like who needs that
trust well like
money from him oh my god
but you don’t know any better at the time i’m
twenty eight years old
maybe twenty nine
oh my god and and i did it and then
he goes all
right we’re ready
so that what the fuck was that like when that bear
tongued you
i felt like you were making out with a homeless person
like just fucking
bare lips look like a 17 foot
woman’s vagina
just going ear to ear on you just
and his giant
teeth and his giant
head and just tongue
right behind the margin of the fuck out what is it like
knowing that that bear went and killed somebody
after that i don’t know i
think it’s probably like the guys who
missed their flight on 9 11
like you don’t think
about it you don’t go like
cuz you i didn’t die so i’m like you’re the appetizer
yeah dude but yeah it’s the
i mean the entire
experience was like
terrifying we ended up
fighting and then they go so look if you’re in
trouble just say
marshmallow
because then that’s your safe word we’ll get you out
marshmallow yeah
and so that fucking far
beginning in the
fight i’m like fucking
marshmallow
marshmallow and there the bears just
throwing me around i’m like
marshmallow
and then the bear put my face in his chest
and i couldn’t breathe and then
and then he spun me
doggy style
and fucking had me in a bear hug
where you’re like
helpless and then i just
started looking at the crew and the
trainer and i’m like
marshmallow give me the fuck out of here
marshmallow
and the trainers like go
limp i’m like
please be talking to me right now
and not the bear
that’s a bear cock climbing
marshmallow
but yeah that’s the i mean
that’s technically
how it went down so they didn’t save you
no i went lip and slid out at the bear
and then the bear
ended up sitting on my face
and then my wife they
put a marshmallow in her
mouth and the bear got
off and then they pulled me away oh my god is that on
your wife you let your wife get kissed
in there i didn’t
after he was
still worked up like that
she never did it
and then i went in and cramed
lions that day
tamed four lions dude fucking washed an elephant
i mean literally what
wow herbert was the
probably the
greatest show no one ever saw
god damn dude you’re giving me anxiety
just listen to
these stories so why is it somebody with
such anxiety
it seems like you have a lot of
anxiety and
stuff that do all these
crazy shows
cause you also do a show
where you like ride the craziest roller
coasters and
you do all these intense
things but it seems like you
wouldn’t it seems like you
would be cooking shows or something i
don’t know i don’t know why they i don’t know how i got
these jobs like i just got them like
like i don’t
you know i don’t know i don’t know why they go to me i
think how did you get the
first one how
did you get
hurt bert i got her berks i did the ass wax and then
so the ass wax was for what the x show
it was for the x show yeah
okay now i remember the x show
now our funniest
fucking two minutes of
television when joe was on
cause gary valentine we all went into gary’s
green room me you and
kevin sussman
and jerry just such a man
and and we were talking and bullshitting
and one of the producers came in and they’re like
so here are the questions we’re
gonna ask joe and gary’s like fuck that
i’ve known joe forever we’re
gonna be fine we just
gonna go out there and
rift do you remember this at all
sort of so we go out it’s me and gary
and you and
you sit down and gary’s and gary was
i love him to like a brother but he was the
worst host in the world
the worst so he goes all
right welcome back
i got my buddy joe rogan i’ve
known joe forever how you doing joe and you’re like
like just like pretty good gary and he’s like
all right all
right yeah okay ha
ha he just locked
up and then i was like so joe you are doing the mma
thing now and you’re like yeah and he goes ha
joe you’ll always
been in that man you’ve always been into that
ha and it was so uncomfortable
they made us do it
again you don’t remember this at all
they made us do it
again so then they go
okay gary and he’s like
they gave him the questions and he’s like
don’t worry don’t
worry don’t
worry fuck don’t
worry don’t
worry fucking
worry i got this i got this
come on joe
we’ll just i’ll get you in one of your bits okay all
right hey we’re back
i’m here with joe rogan joe
i’ve no joe forever joe i
haven’t seen you in a
while and you’re like yeah he’s like
you’ve been
on the road and you’re like pretty much he’s like
great ha ha
ha ha and i’m fucking
laughing my
tits off next to gary and gary’s like ha
and then you’re like and they’re like take it
again and you’re like ask me
about this ask me
about that and carrie’s like yeah yeah
yeah that’s
where we’ll go that’s
where we’ll go
but it ended up being a problem dude i
completely forgot
about this until you
just brought it up
this is like an old
dusty memory i wouldn’t
see it i’m in the corner of an attic
right now with a
broom going is that what that is
let me clean that fucking get a
flashlight do you have a
flashlight it was
so completely
that would have been erased forever
if you gave me a piece of
paper and said describe your appearance on the x show
something really
crazy happened with gary valentine
i would have
never went on
that show don’t know what the fuck you’re talking
about that’s
crazy do you have a
is it that online anywhere no
those were the outtakes that they’ll
never use the x
show was like a maximum
they were trying to do
a maximum like maxim
magazine sort of a tv show
they were trying to do
a hot sexier man show
wasn’t the guy from studs
wasn’t he a part of that
marked carlo
yes he’s actually a really cool dude
do you remember studs no
studs was a show
that was the most
ridiculous dating show
like ever oh
yes and it was like the most arrogant guys and the most
it was like
one of the first looks into reality tv
probably we
did recognize it because
it was sort of a
you know a show
i mean it was like
you know it’s
a dating show
we didn’t recognize that it was reality tv
it was a yeah marked
carlo and then he got fired
that guy just him from like
the movie with
alicia silverstone
do you remember clueless
yeah he was the pretty boy
i don’t remember he
got fired and then john webber got
fired and me and gary valentin
got brought on
oh that’s right you guys came
in at the very end and we were and that’s how i met
stanhope because it was up between me gary valentine
doug stanhope and some guys
scott henry wow just
stick around in hollywood long enough man you have some
crazy stories that just accumulate
i remember i remember
going to the improv one time
and stanhope was on stage
and i don’t know if he saw me or if he didn’t but he
ended up doing like 15 minutes on me i’m
just making fun of like
but it was very
it was a show
what was it from the x
show the x show
and he goes he was just talking
about a shitty
show on television
that they give to a younger
comic cause he has some
heat generated behind him
and ooh that
sounds better what it’s like
but it was like it was really
funny it was murdering
and then i was in the back and i go
and i’m sitting
there like i wonder if he knows i’m here
and then and then
at the very end he’s like don’t get me
wrong burke kreiser
you’re a nice guy i’m sure
but i wanna see you one week in fucking iowa
when it’s snowing and you can’t
leave your hotel
and there’s only there’s only an
rbs to eat next door to you
and you gotta fucking
drink wine just to get through the and like does this
whole bit and
then i’m in the back i’m just like i’m fucking leaving
because i was like
so then so then cut to like
four years later
i’m in sacramento
soulless empty like
in the fucking taffy district or wherever
the fucking place is
and i’m just
empty and i’m
drinking a lot and i
email stanhope
and i’m like i wonder if i can
reach out to the duke
says comics are all like you know each
other right so i
email stanhope
and like 20 minutes
later i get a message back long
like a long like
oh welcome to the quickening
and then he just emailed me
now and then like how you doing baby girl
stan ho called me up the other day pie i drunk
called me in
like i tried to like i realized like
right when we started talking
you know he wanted to talk i wanted to
and he got an altercation when she named her off
low on the green room
paul prevents his
green room so i wanted to hear like his version up yeah
well i’m so totally this is junior
buffalo by the way are you really fucking so
it feels like it’s 1993
right oh my gosh she looks so good right now
go ahead for real
yeah stop drinking
is that what you’re into you into that look
no at all maybe i am i want tracy
lords in her prime or i’m going juni graffa whoa
tracy lords fuck definitely going to jingham
i would have agreed
chase tracy lords you don’t think it’s hot
no i don’t know
what is wrong i used to fuck blonde chicks all the time
she’s got brown hair
oh i thought she had blonde hair blonde
i didn’t even notice
how the fuck did you notice
wait wait wait
so what happened was danhope into garoppolo okay
apparently garoppolo
on her first set
after 9 11 went on
stage at the
laugh stop in houston
and according to stanhope
what she said is that you you know everybody
should just back the fuck off and noam
chomsky should back the fuck off and
leave george bush
alone because this is obviously
a crazy situation and
you know and the guy’s doing the best he can and
stanhope was saying that he was very
disappointed because he went to see her
expecting some
really biting social commentary
stanhope was doing this bit
about 9 11 that
he was really
sticking his neck out there
he was like you know
where was i
guess your god takes tuesday off you
know he was doing this
thing about all
these people like praying for god and how
this came through
in spite of
all these people there were
this religious fervor
and this big like
anti warp thing that he was working on
and you know he
was really into it and so when he went and saw a grin
at jeannie garoffel and she’s like
saying you know give george bush a break
like that always nodded him
so he brought it up on the show
apparently fucking love doug
stan i talked to
jamie kilstein and kilstein saw it and
he gave me his version of it and i talked to doug and
i got this fucking version
you know doug gave me the the
drunk man version he was hammered when i talk to him
it was a really
crazy conversation because doug and i
we have these conversations
where you know it
will like like
we’ll talk like
every few months
and it’s like okay
where you at
what are you
thinking about
and then when we’re talking it’s like you know this
doesn’t make
sense and that
doesn’t make
sense and then what happens and
you know what’s the
point in even concentrating on any of this
right exactly i’m there too
yeah and we’ll have like these
weird conversations you know we’re just trying to like
how much have
you been trying to figure out in life in the last
three months
since we last talked and then we try to figure out
if either one of us has
come to any
conclusions that make you happy
and in the middle of this he goes
is there anything
is there anything that gives you hope
is there anything that gives you hope
i was just sitting there listening
going wow what a strange conversation i’m sober
completely sober
he’s fucked up
drunk and he’s
going to is there anything that gives you hope
maybe he’s thinking of a tagline for himself
you should have said the flashlight
yeah that bucket
gives me hope 15 off
now go on our website now
what was um like it’s
his version of it
i mean he just was relaying exactly what he saw and he
thought it was
disappointing that she didn’t take a stand
and he’s not attacking
or he’s just telling us yeah
but you know what
quite honestly
after 9 11 who
the fuck knew exactly what happened and who knows still
you know i have a real
issue with people that want to argue
about 9 11 and
fucking inside job or
you know just know
where the government
would have done that either
argument where you’re so goddamn sure
you know that
whole thing is just
a bunch of puzzles there’s a
bunch i watched that
jesse ventura show
and i don’t know if he’s telling the
truth or if it’s real
but if it is real
what he said
that conspiracy show is fucking terrifying
that donald rumsfeld had a
press conference the day before the 9 11 attacks
where they said that some insane amount of
money in the
trillions was missing and they couldn’t account for it
and they were working on it
and then the next day the pentagon gets hit in the
exact same spot
where the accounting offices are
where all that information was stored
that’s what got hit in a pentagon
and they’re talking
about trillions of dollars that were unaccounted for
i see i have no
understanding of that
you know it’s so abstract to me
first of all when you
start talking
about trillions of dollars
i can’t even wrap
my head around that i don’t even know what that means
and then when
you tell me that the
money was unaccounted for
and they smashed this
plane into the
exact or missile if you listen to some people
into the exact offices
what does that mean now
they didn’t have a backup somewhere they didn’t back
their shit up online all that
money i don’t know what happened to that money so
if you don’t know what happened to that
money then this conversation’s over cause
we can’t talk
until we have any information
but there’s so many different things
about 9 11 that
make you go why did that happen why did this happen
what the fuck happened in that tower 7
you can’t say one way or the
other you can’t say that they did do it
you know that the united
states government was involved and you can’t say they
weren’t involved
you got to look at it and go what did happen
you would have to go back in time and
watch it all
trans you would
have to watch
every single aspect of it play out in
front of your own eyes to really be
truly sure yeah
i believe in some conspiracy
i like believe
that the flight 800 conspiracy
that terrace
got shot by a missile
shot by a missile and then
clinton just pimped it and was like it blew
out and it blew up in the middle of the fucking ocean
and clinton’s like no that was a wiring thing
yeah fuck you and all your
tries that they
would never yeah if there was a way to
avoid telling people that are a terrorist attack and
blown up that you can affect us yeah
they do an rp
yeah for sure they
would hide that information they
would say well
there’s an engine malfunction and that’s it
you know if they
could find a way to
avoid any sort
of information getting out like that because
first of all
people are going to freak out
about something that
most likely with 300 million people in this country
most likely is not
going to affect you
it’s an isolated
incidents and by the way we’re immune to
those isolated instances
but they happen
every fucking day all over the
world in these
places where we’re supposed to be liberating
i mean in iraq fucking
buildings just get hit by missiles whoopsies
we didn’t mean to
shoot this building but we did
sorry everyone who died
i mean that shit is commonplace
outside of the world
but if the united
states government
can keep us from recognizing that and just
they would do it
i think they
would do it do it do it and they
would think they were doing us a
favor no what
standup standup
standup like
these days it’s
angry and dark and
twisted and
you know resolved
i wanna do i
wanna do a show
fuck that’s what it is i
wanna do a show called
comedy intervention
will you take a guy like stanhope and go
look here’s what we’re
gonna do okay
we’re gonna we’re gonna
have like eight
comics that he likes we’re
gonna go through
we’re gonna make you one hour special
that you can sell on dvd it’s
gonna be clean
and you’re gonna sell make
twenty million dollars
and then you
can do whatever you want and you can have a
trust fund for the rest of your fucking life
cause i bet if he
spent some time just
going through what
what would be
brian regan’s set list
i bet his fucking
like if he had a kid
all this like this when you had your kids
did your did your
like you do you for the
first when you
first do you go fuck
i’m noticing a lot of the shit everyone else noticed
but then no i didn’t think that
i mean there’s
definitely gonna be
things that you notice that
other people have already talked
about but i just
till his day
still like when i had a little conversation with my
daughter this morning and it’s like i’m on drugs
you had a conversation with your dog
daughter oh my god
i’m like fucking
those commercials
i had a conversation with my
daughter this morning i went to the
the store and i got bagels she loves
she loves locks you know like
salmon yeah
and so we’re eating bagels and locks
and i’m having this little conversation with her
she’s like i love
salmon it’s so yummy
is it really yummy it is okay
i would like some more
and we’re having this little
conversation i’m look at this incredibly cute little
two and a half
year old person who’s talking to me that i am
just i love more than anybody i’ve ever
loved ever and i’m having this
weird little conversation with her
about salmon
like do you want some more
daddy i want some more i am not
quite filled up
and she starts
laughing and she
rubs her tummy
and then i gave
her some more and she was like delicious
and she tries to make me laugh and
it’s like it’s surreal it
doesn’t even seem real
i always explain children
to people who
don’t have children i’m like it’s just like mushrooms
if you haven’t done mushrooms
you really don’t know what the fuck you’re talking
about you can’t say
you know that
doesn’t do any good for you that’s just an escape
if you’ve done it if you’ve done it and you have that
opinion then i
would like to talk to you
about it because i
think it’s strange that you
would have that
opinion if you’ve actually done mushrooms the same
thing with children you know people say you know
you know yeah it’s just a fucking just a
bunch of fucking
cells and you know no big deal man get over it
you say that but it’s love
it’s love in the purest form and
most of the time you’re
dealing with douchebags in life and it’s very difficult
to be open and loving all the time and to really
just put out only
positive energy or you feel like people walk over you
experiences with
that you had when you were growing up getting
bullied and i had and everybody has
you know it’s
very difficult to like put out love like that so
it’s easy to dismiss it when you have
an absolute pure form of love
for like a baby that you’re raising
people who don’t have them don’t
understand it’s like being a born
again christian
sort of i guess
like there’s been
and you almost
like you almost have this look to your friends like
right don’t
don’t worry
when you get
saved you’ll figure it out
i’ll sort of but it’s also
tremendous responsibility
where i just felt like
a massive growth
and maturity and you know and
pragmatic way of looking at
things just just kicked into like
seven gears higher
yeah you know i
started working harder i
started you know being
focusing more on certain
shit it’s like
you know it’s it’s an
evolutionary
stage i really believe that just like you know when
a healthy bird
leaves the nest
you know you talk to kids that are like 30 that
still live at
home they’re fucked up you know there’s something
wrong with them
they never really went out and did
their own shed and they
never really became
adults they’re stuck in
this salamander
stage where they
never quite
blossomed into the
mature animal
and so when
i see that you know i just
i think that
having children
is another stage like that i’m not saying that everyone
should have children
oh i don’t think
no definitely not or that having children
is going to
definitely evolve
you or that
you need to do it to evolve i’m not saying that
some people end up drowning
their kids in a tub fuck yeah they do yeah there’s some
crazy assholes out there and
not only that sometimes they get involved with someone
who’s like really
detrimental
to you but you like to fuck them and all of a
sudden you have
a baby with that person and now you have this
incredibly chaotic relationship
where they try to keep the baby from you
to manipulate you and
you know things can get really ugly but
for me at least
i think having having a
child kicked my my just my
whole being into another level no
i went from being
a guy who hung out at the hollywood improv drinking
until the bar closed to
literally the week
my daughter was born
being on the road
every single fucking week
like taking
feature sets for no
money like just
cause i knew that i’d get better and better
and like really ambitious just horrifically and now i’m
now i’m on the
place i think i’m
traveling like 50 weeks this year just
bring your kids with your wife with you and your kid
yeah i’m gonna take them
i’m going to
doing a trip to indianapolis arizona and then cancun
but it’s for the
burke the conqueror
so we’ll go to like the
greatest theme park so i’ll take them oh that’s
great and we’ll take them we’ll just
spend the day at
a theme park and they and they are have like an escort
and they can just go do whatever they want so now
it’s turning out i
think this summer we’re
gonna do it pretty heavily
has there been any of
these rides that were the
worst like what’s the most craziest one you went to
i think the stratosphere
really fucked my head up las vegas
man i was like
bad the night before i was
throwing up in a bathtub
and like called
my wife and told her i was running the desert
and was like i’m fucking out i’m not don’t i’m
gonna get sued for this
production cost because i’m not
gonna do it
but don’t tell you were that scared of it
after you’ve been on a bowl
or after you’ve been attacked by a
you know heights
man heights
is a different
thing man heights
it shuts your brain
look at your fingers you’re moving so fast and
everything like as i’m talking
about i’m getting my ass just started
sweating really like the
second i talk
about it cause you get you it
knocks your stomach out i mean i can’t even look at the
videos online of people
unlike those russian kids
climbing on the
tower we talked
about that cause i
fucking my asshole starts
tingling oh my god so hard to
watch i told the
i told the man my wife’s like just tell the producers
you can’t do it
and just be a man about it
so i called this
guy dan adler that morning and i was like and i hadn’t
slept and i’ve been
drinking and it was in bad
scene i was a
wreck i was a real fucking like wreck
and i was like dude i can’t do it it’s not
gonna happen today
and he was like
that’s fine that’s totally cool i get that
but here’s the deal if you’re not
gonna do it i need you
to not do it
on the edge of the building
like i need you to get all the way to that moment
and then back off
wow and i was
like and he goes and you do not have to do it
but i can make a show
out of that
i can’t make a show if you just go i’m not doing it
so i was like okay
so i went through the
whole thing did the
training got the jumpsuit on did all my interviews
got up to the top
started doing my reads
and my cameraman this guy
scott sands
is hanging off the
building literally
tethered in and hanging off the
building with a camera
fearless motherfucker this guy
fucking loves that shit
and he’s videotaping my he’s taping my reads
and i’m on the edge and i’m fucking my
i’ve pissed my
pants a little bit
at this moment
like it’s just bad it’s a bad
scene and scott
starts laughing
and i go what
and he’s like you know there’s
like 400 people at the bottom waiting for you to jump
and i was like and he’s like there’s like 200
behind you right now
he was dude
it’s gonna be much easier to jump than to tell
600 people and the
mayor who’s waiting for you with a shot of tequila
that you’re not jumping so i was the
first person to the
mayor was waiting for you with a shot of
tequila i was the
first person to jump on the ride i was
the first guy to do it
so i was like shit he was like i just jump in
16 seconds and then it’ll be over
16 seconds is so long it’s a fucking free fall for 16
seconds 16 seconds 16
seconds this is your
free fall you just jumped
right now and
right now you’re going
right now you’re
thinking oh the ride works
but then you’re
thinking man now you’re really
freaking high
fuck out this
is really fucking
high bottom like
and you’re looking at a
target below
oh my god still not even time you’re
about eight
stage stories
and right now your time you’re 40 stories away you
still haven’t landed
did you shit yourself
did you shit yourself or anything so what is
this explain the ride to me
cause i don’t know it
it’s controlled descent so
they took you in
on a seven point harness
and with basically a big fishing reel
and so you jump
and you fall and that tether
make sure you don’t run into the
building or like
swing out it
basically keeps
you in one kind of area so you can land on the
target yeah but what if it gets
windy i mean
that it was very
windy my day as a matter of fact
they do it by
gusts so it’s
gusts of like 45
miles per hour
so it’s a windometer so anytime a wind
gust hits 45 miles
an hour they shut the ride down for 15 minutes
and then they wait for the wind
gusts to go back down
and my day they were just peaking but they were like
they had fucking
100 people waiting
to do it and they needed to open the ride
and you can see that they’re just like oh
my ignore it ignore
it ignore it
so then i’m just a fucking
and i’ve got my producer
lonnie is like
in the background with my
script going like
i need you to say
i’m here in las
vegas on the top of the strip
and i’m like
and i just start
going fuck you lonnie fuck you
fuck you you can fuck yourself i’m fucking jumping
right now and she’s like bird don’t jump and i’m like
fuck everyone i’m fucking jumping and now i know
they can’t use any of acts you can’t use cursing
right and so then
i’m like and then i’m like
calm down i’m like
okay seriously i’m
gonna jump okay here we
just and they just use that me jumping so then we do it
i land i have a religious moment i
start crying
i take a shot and i’m just like i’m alive
there’s no better feeling in the world
than surviving
a fucking 110
story jump a
hundred ten
stories fuck dude
a hundred ten stories is the height of the sears tower
think about
standing on the edge of the sears tower
and then i get
down i do it i’m like fuck and they’re like
they’re like can you do it
again and i was like no i’m not i’m done
so then like two weeks
later they’re
like listen we didn’t get any of your fucking reads
i was like what
and then like we can get any
breeds we need to send you back to
vegas to like
do pickups because
there’s a lot of
shit because you were so fucked up that we didn’t get
so i was like okay
so they we have to reshoot the episode but we’re just
basically everything but the jump
everything but the jump is what they’re telling me
let me get up to the top oh
i know where this is
going and they’re like and my buddy
scott sands goes look dude
i put in for like a fucking
hundred and twenty
thousand dollar lens
i’m gonna sit a mile from you but i’m gonna
shoot you from a mile
and if you jump
it’s gonna look sick
and i was like
it’s kind of
not jumping and he goes i’m just saying man
it’s your show do you want to get picked up for a
second season
it’s gonna look sick
so then i was like fuck so i get up to
the top and i know i’m not jumping i’m no not jumping
and i get to the top and i realize
standing on the edge
it’s easier to jump than to walk away from it
so i was like
fuck it and i just jumped
again had the same
religious a moment you
get down to the bottom it’s not religious it’s like a
spiritual awakening
where you’re like
i’m fucking
alive my i’m
gonna hug my kids like
oh they just called they called me
two weeks ago and they’re like
the navajo bridge in arizona
they want me to jump off it
and do a bungee jump it’s like five hundred feet
pretty gangster for a
bungee jump
dude five hundred
feet is really high free fall for four hundred
free fall bungee
style so i’m looking for take
probably play
eight seconds
and the real pimp part is
you don’t jump
four dudes lift you up like you’re on a boat
and they just
throw you off
oh my god so you’re fucking you feel out of control
and i’m looking for a
celebrity to do it with
cause i don’t
wanna do it by myself joe
get the fuck out of here
straighten your back up
right away yeah no i’m fine man you
never do that no
really not into that
not into that
i’m not either but
like i’m doing right into
tricking my brain into
thinking i’m almost
dying i get it
i get it looks like fun
i don’t need that kind of stress in my life
it’s all my life’s filled with right now
crazy man there’s not
even that much
money like it’s
like well is it
helping your gigs though
should be helping yeah yeah i sold out
five shows in dc this week
and like it’s but
it’s family friendly audiences oh no so
you just have to
train them to
watch what you
watch you did
it well that’s something you were saying too yeah
that’s what you’re saying
when you were talking
about comedy intervention like getting someone
and taking someone and making them
super clean and realizing there’s so much
money out there in that but
i couldn’t do it clean
yeah and the galaxy
and hope couldn’t do it either it
wouldn’t be fun anymore it
wouldn’t be the same
thing it would be all of a
sudden there’s a job that you can do
where you can make
money but you’re not
gonna be really doing
stand up anymore you’re not
gonna be doing what
like your brain won’t be
thinking the way it normally
thinks when you’re on stage
or i feel like my
brain is just juggling thoughts to me like
oh this would be good
i can’t do that if you’re
saying no can’t go there no can’t
go here no can’t say that be careful when you say this
don’t want to offend any sponsors
so when you do
stand up now
when you were
saying that you get them to like what you like
you know i get them to know what you do
i start i start
about my kids
like i’ll start
that mean they’re not good
they’re not by any stretch of the means
clean jokes one joke’s
about my daughter
my daughter’s in a room
my youngest
was fingering her ass and putting it in the dog’s mouth
and so they finger their assholes all the time it’s so
disturbing stop she’s like she’ll be talking to me
about like playing on the
swings and she’s just digging in her vagina
yeah just fingers in her vagina
so maybe we can go on a
swing what do you think maybe we can do that oh wait
maybe you can stop
thinking yourself when you’re talking to your dad
no wait that fuck
but that joke when you do something
about your children fingering their ass yeah you
gotta be careful takes all the parents
that went to see a clean show
and put everyone at the same level and go oh that
shit does happen it does happen so then once their
brains get reset for that
then they go okay
all this shit does happen
he’s not being mean
i stopped doing racial jokes like
being heavy on racial jokes just cause i was like
i don’t fucking know
i don’t care like i don’t give a shit enough
about equality
to put my job on the line
to try to make everyone even
like i’ll get in tonight if it’s in all
black room where i just do black jokes
but not mean but just what i do black jokes
right but um
and then you
do that once you do that you have a fucking
power of attorney to do
anything cause even the
clean people go my kids finger
their ass too
right right right
and then and then
and then i talked to the audience
but when you were saying that you used to do
racist jokes or racial jokes racial jokes you know
you and you stopped
doing them because they offended too many people no i
never got no one ever got offended
but i just noticed that i was
for one i was obsessing on it
i would write i
could write
all day long i can
write jokes
about black people
i mean if you sit me i
swear to god
if you put me in a room with a
black audience
all i’ll do is talk
about black people
all i’ll do
and like now the dirty the
only the furthest i go is i have a joke about
just i go i
think it’s racist that they don’t make
black baby powder
like i just
think that from a company
named johnson and johnson they
would have thought of that by now
that’s pretty
funny and then they go you know
that’s how i’m
gonna make a million dollars i’m
gonna make black baby powder
and then and then
i’ll call it
magic johnson
and johnson’s so then
one night this is
great one night this
black dude sits up in an audience in
miami goes hey
motherfucker
when you get done your little joke
about black baby powder i’ll tell you i don’t make shit
and so i was like
i’m think i’m done with the joke now like
what why don’t they make it and he goes
we don’t have
a problem with moisture the way you guys do
goes every time i hug a
white guy is like hugging a dolphin he goes
black people have a problem retaining moisture
so they have a problem
getting ashy
so they have to always stay moist
whereas white people are constantly fucking moist
whoa and so he’s like they just
never needed
black baby powder
black people don’t use
you and i was like but it was awesome
it was like a
great moment i love
dude if i could
if i had a videotape of
every experience i’ve had with
black people in an audience
i would be the most
famous comic in the
world i’ve had
black dudes get on
stage in miami
right real shit
fucking three gangsters in the
front row true
story all my children
fucking they’re ruining the
show for everyone and i go up and i just talk to them
one dude gets up on
stage halfway
through my set
and he’s like
this is a real
motherfucker
he’s keeping a real real talk
right now real talk
you know real
motherfuckers getting the
three o five
and he drops his
pants and shows his dick
place goes bananas
right they’re like
oh and it’s a the biggest
blackest it’s almost purple it’s so
black like but it’s
huge it’s huge
and i’m like that is real that is fucking real and then
how big is this
fucking monster
nine inches and it’s a it’s a it’s a shower it’s like a
thick it’s thick
thick and uncircumcised i’m just looking at it like
holy shit so then
i go i go man that’s fucking
his name was ray
i don’t know why i remember that but i’m like ray
i go i think you
might want to get off
stage cause
i can guarantee you they’re calling the cops right now
and i don’t
want you to go to jail for just showing your dick
he’s like i
appreciate that good looking out and then he
puts his pants on
and leaves so then i go
man how do you follow that
another gang banger
stands up gets on
stage i go please tell me we’re seeing another cock
right now pulls his
pants down bucket
just as big but
lighter like a
lighter brown
and i’m like holy shit
i’m like and i was like you
might wanna go
catch up with
breaks i guarantee they’re calling the cops now
so they’re sitting with i
swear to all my children
they’re sitting with
a hairless albino
okay and i said
and now and now the the
crowd is like fucking in a fevered
pitch i go that’s
funny out of all the dicks i wanted to see it was yours
he stands up
gets on stage
takes his dick out and it looks like a lighthouse
just no grass
bright white
and they’re
flipping over fucking tables now
like fucking
going nuts and i was like
ladies and gentlemen that’s my show that’s the
perfect way to end
that’s my show damn
how do you follow
that you can’t follow that can’t follow it i
literally and i
white glow in the dark casper the
ghost dick always
it was beautiful and it was big
it was big i
swear to you was big and i was like
i was like fucking and then
and then they
all waited for me out at the bar and they were like
dude we’re taking you out and i was like i don’t think
this doesn’t end this way
but i was in my like i
wanna be david tell
phase hardcore
and i was like
i’m fucking
going out with
these guys this is what comedy’s
about us having this experience
i went in one time
to do radio in
miami’s my crazy club
i go in and i do
the fucking morning pimp show
and they happen to have this you do the improv in
miami all the time you like that i stop
going that place man but you can’t
you can’t because
you’re not you’re
famous so when
like some they no no
stop going away before i was
famous but that club
wants to get the best of you
like they want
to show you you’re wrong
no what happened with me was i was on
stage once and
i brought up a boxer i forget the boxer’s name
i think it was
oscar de la hoya
in one of my jokes
oh you a fight broke out
in the audience over you know you know no fuck off
the dealer finish gender
and kick his ass
and then dudes were
standing up and yelling at each
other and like an argument
broke out in the crowd
over like what boxer was the best boxer
yeah who would fuck who up and
i just stopped and i said i’m
never coming back here
if that’s just a bad audience so that
could have happened no
no no that’s very common
there no miami improv they
they lost control of that
place a long time ago they just
see another
they stopped gave away too many free tickets they
give away a
ton of free tickets if you’re
white because they can sell tickets to
black people
and then so one time i go to
the morning pimp show and they have this gang in there
called the zo
pound right
a real gang
real gang dude look it up there on gangland okay
these are all haitian
motherfuckers
so they’re doing this
thing the song amazo
that’s the song
that they’re singing in studio and
now mind you i’m just doing
radio i’m doing press
like i’m just there to fuck around
but i know the one
thing i do in
these stations i
bring up all its keelin
and then i get everyone drunk
and then i just take my
shirt off and we go fucking
crazy when you
do press you always
bring in tequila
sometimes sometimes
i’ve done it before but i
think that’s more
cause i’m an alcoholic and not
like not for
but like i’ll get
drunk with you in the morning
and you’ll sell out the entire fucking weekend
that’s awesome all anyone’s
doing is driving to work wishing they were drinking
and then they hear you drinking
and all the rules go out the door and
every show lets you stay on
until fucking eleven
like you it’s the
it’s been like a little
trick i’ve done
wow but what do you feel
like for the rest of
today take a nap
take it take a nap
i look at you
when you go into a
radio i seen your
radios and you’ll come in high
high as fuck
and i’m like
how do you function for the rest of the day
i do but high
doesn’t kick your ass
see i smoke weed and then i go to the gym
it doesn’t doesn’t affect me
the same way i go
like if i’ll do like the morning
radio and i’ll
smoke some weed for the morning radio
yeah i’ll go to the gym
afterwards i’ll go lift weights i’ll run or i’ll
do the elliptical machine like it feels good i usually
yeah i don’t do that
drink man when i
drink i’m done the
next day i’m done i have a very long history with
drinking so
boo oh oh so the zo
pound yeah so
these guys are singing so we and
i’m doing shots kill in there and they call me cocaine
because i’m white
right and so then
so then i tell them
i go you guys can come to my show tonight if you want
and they’re like
oh we’re coming we’re coming we’re coming oh you’re
crazy so i’m like i’m like this will be fun
cause i just seen
these guys on gangland right
so they come to the show
and like 15 minutes in they walk on stage
like matt just deep
with the fucking bottle of
tequila and they’re like
we’re drinking this on
stage right now
and i’m like holy shit and dj laz comes up
and we all just fucking
dj laz dj laz you
say that like we’re supposed
to know who the fuck that guy is the biggest dj in
south florida for like
latinos yeah
okay but like and he’ll
like if you
if you’re a
white comic and you can get in
that room and do well you’ll sell out for the weekend
like you not sell out but you’ll doubt
not sell out and i’m
doing west palm this weekend
not this weekend next weekend
that is the
this we don’t
see yeah yeah yeah
they’re great yeah
they’re great guys
they’ll fucking
yeah i’ve done
their show many many times
those guys are really cool that’s a that’s a
great club and you probably
know johnny the guy that’s management now yeah i’ve
been to that club a long time ago back when it was a
smaller club
dude that’s your
market or two
those guys fucking like
those people
like when you get done a show you know who the big
comics are and
you know the ones that people don’t go cr
goodbye who
based on what
comics go so
do you know
guys like everyone always says do you know rogan
everyone always wants to know if you know dane cook
who do you know
who you hang out with in hollywood basically
and i’m always like yeah they’re all
great they’re all great
but do you ever talk shit
about anybody
oh yeah what
comics to talk shit
about i can’t say i can’t say
i can’t say
but i mean you
could probably
guess but yeah i
i talk shit
about i gotta stop
i gotta stop because there’s
comics i’ve talked shit
about a lot
a lot they just came up to
me and they’re like dude i’m a big fan i’m like oh me
too me too me too
it’s the worst feeling in the world
like you know ari is someone who i
initially did not like really
cause i met him one
night and he was just
standoffish
but he was just ari he
wasn’t being
standofffish
yeah and i wanted to meet him and then
he didn’t and then he walked away and then i was like
i was like oh fuck that guy
and then i saw
and then i saw his
amazing racist
and i was like
i saw a clip and i was wanted to hate it
i wanted to hate it
really and i
cause yeah that’s what i was coming to
yeah then i
watched it was the best
thing i said i don’t give a fuck
when i see that guy
again i’m gonna
make friends
with him yeah and i saw him at the improv one
night like right
after the shit went down with
um and see ya
and like you guys switched
and i was like dude i just
wanna tell you like i’m a big fan
like you make me
laugh a lot and then
ari’s just like
really thanks man
and we hung out and yeah
but if you tell people you like them
then they like you too yeah
a lot of times that’s all you have to fucking
do a lot of times yeah a lot of times comics are
standoffish with each
other because everyone is so competitive
yeah you know
especially early on
comics for some reason have this
weird thing where they
think that if someone else is being successful
that somehow another it keeps them from being
successful like
their success takes away from you like that
could have been yours or
something crazy
this weird illogical
connection that a lot of
comics make
and it almost happens with
every fucking
comic you meet
yeah why is that i don’t know i
think i know because
i’ll have arguments with
comics in my heads
i’ve had arguments with
fake arguments i had an argument with opie
from opie and anthony in my head
never met the guy in my entire life
that’s hilarious
but i love their show and i wanted to get on
their show to promote
things oh dude you’d be awesome on
their show and they
perfect for
their show they
never let me on like they’re always like no no
they still don’t let me
on still don’t let me on listen opie listens
to this show sometimes i guarantee you he’ll hear
about this from twitter
and he’ll have you on i had a
dream someone
cut up some clips of the funniest shit that he said and
he’ll be on
opie and anthony so here’s what happened i had a
dream last night that i could fly
and i flew into opie and anthony’s studio
and i was walking
around i was like oh shit fly through the air
yeah but there’s two without a
plane without a
plane i was flying
i was flying away
and it was in a tent it was in a tent
and i went in and they had
these gift bags and i was like oh
so i opened one up and i was
stealing one i was like
i wanna get one of
these i love opie and anthony this
would be awesome
and it was an opie and anthony scarf
so i pulled it out and i went oh fuck
i can’t use an opium anthony
scarf cause i
never wanna know
i got it from
here and then they’ll be like we didn’t give it to you
so i put it back
and then i left i flew away
and then as i was
hovering above
their tent when they were doing
their show op
came in and said
who stole this fucking scarp
and i was like
you know what if i man up to this and tell them
norton will have my back so i go in
and i go in and i’m like
listen i’m the one who opened that i didn’t steal it
norton was in there
and i’ll be like who the fuck are you and he
basically in my dream
my brain told me everything
about me that i think
like all the horrible shit
so now i’m pissed off at opie
for fucking saying that to me
so i start getting in a
fight with him and then i wake up
right and then i
literally laid in bed arguing with opie
never met him i listen to his show
every day i’m the biggest fucking fan so you
would like you were
preparing yourself in case you in case i go in and he
literally does the you
know typical opie
throw a chess set at me
like fucks with me ruins me
tries to make me look like a fool
he doesn’t really do that to
comics though
he only does that
he did he used to i
think they used to a lot really
yeah they did it to the guy that killed himself
who the one of
the guy in the bathtub that
oh richard jenny they really did it to richard
jenny no yeah
really yeah they made him like
stand outside the
studio and they
wouldn’t let him in what
all radio show guys
would sell out
their mom for a bit
wow like if
they think they
could get a good
bit out of humiliating
me what happened
with the richard
jenny thing what was the
story i’m literally i probably
listen to every opening anthony
just back in the day they made him
sit outside
sit outside
the studio in the glass and
they made him do his interview from there
what like i
think do you
think he was in on it though
maybe that was no no
no no no i don’t
think they liked him
why i don’t know i don’t remember this whole
story i’m probably paraphrasing
in a way that makes it horrible
but he was a guy that had a
weird reputation though
jenny was a
troubled guy
brilliant comedian
though man i went to see him when i was an open micer
at a categorizing star in new york
and he really
influenced me a lot
early in my career to the
point where i caught myself a couple times on
stage when i was really
young when i was
sounding just like him when i was like boo i
gotta fucking make sure i don’t i mean i’m
sound like i’m ripping him off like i’m like
i’m imitating him you know
i think so many
comics do that oh he was so good man
when anyway i saw when i saw my
catch rising star
he influenced me so much
cause he just free balled he had so much material
he just went all over the
place that i
never seen anybody do that before
everybody that else that i had seen do sets
they always had like a sort of
an opening that they
would always do
and then have a middle part and then they
would have a closer
when i saw richard
jenny man i saw him a couple times in a row
and every time
i saw him he was doing like a different hour and a half
and i was i was like
super humbled he was so quick
that i remember hosting form of the hollywood improv
and i’m in the back
watching him and
you know you i’d come from new york so i was like
in my head i was like if i didn’t know you in new york
you’re not anything
basically i was
basically saying if you’re not
geraldo atel
hedberg in my head
right so um so
someone says he said something and now we’re
gonna go over there and look for this is
right after nine eleven
now they wanna tell us to
go over there and look for weapons of mass destruction
what a load of bullshit is that
you think they got them and some lady goes
they have nuclear weapons and he goes
listen you dumb whore
if they had them they
would have fucking
used them do you
think they’re holding back
and i was just on the
floor i was like what a
great perception
like would they
hold would they use them
right of course it
would have used them
yeah he was great
he was so prolific
and he was the best guy that i had ever seen at
really like
dragging the most out of a subject
like he would get on a subject and he
would fuck that subject up from all different angles
and right when he thought he was done he
would go deeper and then he
would go deeper and
it made me realize
like man that’s something that’s really
present in amateurish comics
where they will
touch on a subject and then immediately have a
quick joke and
then immediately go to another subject it’s me
well it’s everybody
in the beginning it’s me i’ve gotten so fucking lazy
it’s a bad thing man
you know it’s
you know it’s really
easy to do you know
especially when you get comfortable on
stage especially if you do a lot of ad libbing
yeah when you get a good ad libb you’re like well i was
genius keep that
as opposed to
looking for the better one but
jenny jenny
would take like
any subject whatever it was and just find all sorts of
angles with it he
never really got the credit i
think he deserved
it’s really
weird you know
i just think people didn’t
appreciate how good he was
no what was
your the east side comedy
club in new york in long island i saw him there too
and i remember
peter bales
who was the host
was just shaking
his head back and forth he’s like he did
three different
hours he did
three different shows and
three totally different
hours he didn’t repeat one joke once
i was influenced by attell
a massively
yeah because in new york
are you drinking too did that
oh no i was
saying no i was
i told you i came in yeah
explain that because this is a
crazy story you didn’t say this in the podcast yeah
i have when i was in 1997 rolling
stone magazine
wrote a six and a half
page article about me
calling me the number one
party animal in the country
this actually gets a little
weirder were you doing
stand up back then no just partying
just had a notorious
reputation of florida state
for being like
funny but being a wild
party animal
like what kind
of shit were you doing just fun shit like
i think loudest guy in the room shit
you know like i remember i used to
climb up on this
telephone pole outside the bars on tennessee street
there would be
500 people out there
and i just stand up and i go
everyone shut the fuck up and listen
if you wanna smoke weed
go to my house
and the cops are all sitting there
i have tons of weed
enough for everybody
and we’re all
gonna have a
blast and get high
if you know
where i live you’re invited if you don’t ask someone
just no one tell the fucking cops
and you have
literally five hundred people just giggling
at the idea that someone was offering them weed
in front of a cop’s face
and what are the cops saying when you do this
they would laugh too
like one time for
an election i got
naked for this election and just shit on a pizza box
and won the election
election for what for my fraternity i just got up naked
and shit on a
pizza box and then
everyone and then i
won and then i won
did you wipe
no i just shit
i just shit
i learned one very
important lesson when you go number two you also go one
cause i pissed
all over the feet on everyone that was sitting oh
no but you can’t stop it when you go to one two
and so i won the election so like all
these stories came out
and then rolling
stones like
let’s do a fucking let’s do an
article on him oh my god it gets crazier
ready sorry
you ready for the part that you go that you go bullshit
i would never say
bullshit i’ve
heard enough of your stories i’m not saying
bullshit so
oliver stone option the
rights to my life
and then from the article
so then i try to
stand up and i
moved to new york to
start to a stand up because i did it once and
in a tallass you
know we went
amazing i can offer my own morning show in
tallahassee
really yeah oliver
stone option
the rights in my life like i
start doing
stand up five
months later
will smith sees me do
stand up and i get a deal development deal with him
like right out the gates like bill burr style
like been doing
stand up for no time at all
development deal
based on the
article and that the fact that i
could competently do
stand up somewhat
and then the development deal falls
apart with oliver
stone all the guys that have submitted
their scripts
for oliver stone’s
movie about my life
then get their intellectual
property back
one of the guy takes
his movie changes my name
sells it to national lampoon
and it becomes a
movie van wilder
wow so theoretically and i say this theoretically
loosely i’ll
never be able to sue i’ll
never would sue i
never would sue
but i went into national lampoon and did
you remember
kevin couch
he used to have a show on national anthem
yeah on xm radio
yeah yeah and i told him i said
bring some execs in
i’ve always wanted to find out if this was true
so then he brought some
exacts in and i
start telling the stories like i am you
one of the guys fucking locks up like
hold on stop right now
what do you want what’s
going on here is just like an ambush
and i was like no i just want to be able to tell it
on radio and no i’m not
lying that’s all i care
about all i care
about is this
story being
like true right and and he was like
what do you want like your own
radio show i’m like
fine and then he’s like
we’ll do a show
partying with the original van wild are you happy
i was like yeah
and so then he was like pretty much
i was like so i can say it’s true
but you were
worried that you were
gonna sue them they were
worried i was
gonna sue them
cause we could well that
must mean you have a case
why don’t you just go fucking sue
those cunts barry
kat said to me one night papa
you can be one of two guys
you can be the guy that sues and
doesn’t work
or you can be the guy that
doesn’t sue and works
which one are you
and i was like i’m the one anything
barry katz would tell me to do i
would immediately
do the exact opposite
barry katz barry
katz was like
barry katz used to
drive a ferrari
while he owed
everyone money he looked like the grimace
and they’d sell a toy
grimace in a car
just a big head
sticking out of a tiny car he’s so crazy he
was like a big brother to me he was my manager for a
long time what happened you got rid of him you wised up
right yeah i do
it was like
he just wouldn’t he’s
never could get in
touch with him
you know so i just went to eleven comment
i want to rewatch fan wilder but it’s pretty crazy
i’ve never seen been wilder
this is what you do bro you find out what the fucking
statue of limitations is
get to a point
where you’re so talented you’re so
funny you cannot lose
you just have to keep
doing what you’re doing you cannot lose you’re a very
very entertaining dude
they can’t stop you so once you get to a certain
point and then
you go after them
get to a certain
point where you’re
embedded into the
zeitgeist i
was just looking for a reason to use the word
zeitgeist psych
ice very important i
show you my
range my range as a man
what is it it’s a strange conspiracy
movie that they’ve got
three episodes
now it’s actually the
cultural the idea of
the mind of
the culture
get into the consciousness of the culture
zeitgeist is like the mind
frame like how
where people’s heads are at right now
the zeitgeist
there was a new one that they just did recently i guess
top it’s a lot of it’s like nine eleven shit right
i tried to watch the
first incorrect shit
about certain things
about religion
i was like yeah
so and then you get
zeit guys debunked and
things get really
cloudy and people go online and debunk it and
who’s right who’s
wrong i don’t have time for the shit
yeah you know
but you should sue the fuck out of
those van wild
punks i’ll never i’ll
never sue them
how about i
pretend i’m you
for you do it and then just me
email address bro yeah
you can swim my pool anytime bro
come on bring your
daughters i
bring my daughters in a
heart little little
park out here my
daughters will
think they swim and they’re like
i can swim daddy and i love just that
first second
where they jump in and then sink
and then you save
their lives and you see
rescue in their eyes
i can’t swim
daddy wow um
i’m not into that
i’m into showing them how to swim no
in trying to
teach them how to swim be
like daddy yeah
throw them in like my
uncle johnny like
you go for it this is how you learn boy
i don’t know how i
learned how to swim that’s how they did it to us
they just do
us in fucking pools i can’t remember not knowing
how to swim i just always knew how to swim i went to
swimming lessons
i must really yeah
i just got thrown in a pool by my
uncle johnny
fucking uncle johnny
same dude whose son
fell down a flight of
stairs really same uncle
and northeast
baby that’s how they did it i was catholic
billy in a fucking pool
learn how to swim
yeah i grew up yeah
native american
style in jersey
and in boston
my formative years
that that northeast
sort of a mentality
there’s a there’s a
there’s a lot to that it
makes people like more
go getter you know it makes people more ambitious
yeah makes people more
the kind of
people that can button down and get shit done
you know there’s something
about california there’s something
about this weather
where it’s 85 degrees and in january
it just makes you weak
just makes you a soft little
bitch you know i
wrote this on
my twitter and i really believe this people need
visible nature to keep them humble
you need to see that snowstorm coming
where you know you can’t do shit
sit the fuck down
i hope you have logs to burn
cause you might need and the
power might be out for a week
yeah no one’s
going anywhere
and that quiet you don’t even know what
quiet is until
you get outside
in the middle of a
blizzard when the
blizzard’s over and
everything’s
covered in snow
like three feet of snow in boston
i would go outside and
you could hear like
like the quiet has like a
sound to it
it’s like it’s
empty it’s like
you don’t hear anything the snow absorbs it all
and it’s almost like a fake
world like you go walking around and
everything is
white it’s like
i really feel
sorry for kids that don’t grow up with some snow
don’t get to
experience that and
those fucking
school days
when you get a day off and you go outside and
everything’s
covered in snow
i never grew
up with snow at all the only problem with that is you
could die out there
fucking freeze to
death fall asleep
in a snowdrift and lose your foot did you hear
about this lady in toronto that happened last week
the coldest
night of the year
she apparently she had dementia and she froze to
death outside in a neighborhood
while she was
screaming for people to help her
shit yeah everyone
screaming she just died out there she
was apparently she was just a known nut
so like look at that
crazy broad
that’s why i don’t
drink in the snow
a lot of dudes fall asleep and lose a foot
lose a foot
everyone loses a fucking foot
so do you still
throw him down like hardcore
like you still
partying it like you were
or have you slowed down a little
i don’t know
i don’t know i’ve had a
major stretch
where i didn’t
drink at all
yeah did you feel different on
stage when you were sober oh i don’t
drink on stages
here’s the thing
let me rephrase that
cause everyone that’s listening and see me on
stage is like
hold on you fell off a
stage one night
like i’m falling off
stage twice
really hammered uh
kinda not really like i wasn’t that
drunk he just was bad footing
okay like once in tampa improv
and once in dc improv
but um but yeah here’s the
thing is i go up i drink
i will have a beer when i get on
stage i would
drink it fairly fast probably
to sell drinks throughout my show
and then i products
it and then people said you
did on purpose
yeah really like david
tell david tell
said to me one
night in miami
and probably said i was
featuring for him
he said two
things when you’re
featuring you
should write all the time you
should never go up and try to kill
you should be writing and writing
cause no one gives a shit about you
and then the
second thing he said is when you do get headlining
remember you are there to sell
drinks like as much as you
wanna do your art the more
drinks you sell the more appetizing you are to the club
and the club will
bring you back if your bar sales are high
doesn’t matter what your ticket
prices are whoa so i
literally just went on
stage and i remember
and attell would be like
he’d bring up
he wouldn’t even bring a
drink most times he’d
bring up like a
he’d have them since
i mean whatever
i won’t get behind that tells theories on
drinking on
stage or what
but i would just go up and
drink a beer
no but to figure
i mean complete what you were saying he
would bring up shots
i don’t know now he
doesn’t drink so i
guess you can say it yeah yeah
he’s pretty open
about it he wouldn’t
drink shots he
would drink it
would be like
coffee oh he
would fake it yeah
oh wow but he didn’t
drink now so i don’t
think he gives a shit
but he would tell me he’s like you
gotta be sober
man you’d be working up there
like that was to tell was
never a fucking
drunk on stage
right so but i
would go up and i
still i mean i can
drink a lot of beers
i can go up now and i’ll usually
what i’ll do is i’ll play a song that’s inspiring me
because i you know you get
bored doing a lot of road work
like one was the song alcohol
pussy and weed by the
mjb and eight ball
just fucking
great just first 30
seconds to the song
alcohol pussy and weed
alcohol pussy and weed
does that got you
fired up for a show and
it was also
cause i was having family friendly people come out
and it would set the stage
so then the
the second song i do is this song
by maxim ludwig
and the santa
fe 7 was really
great song and then
now i go out and listen to
black betty
by ram jam yeah
and then as the song plays i’ll
maybe fucking
throw off a
shirt pound a beer is
that that song
whoa black betty
and right now i
everyone in the crowds fucking pump it
and i’m like
everyone raise a beer we’re pounding a beer right now
and then the whole fucking room lifts a beer we
pound it and then
right there you just increased the entire barb stop
the bar bill for the club by
five how many dudes are gonna
slide in the trees on the way home though
my cousin fell down a flight of stairs
he was at that show oh that was the one yeah because
everyone sent shots and i like we’re talking like
like aggressive
what’s the most shots you ever drank on stage
oh i couldn’t even guess
couldn’t even maybe like
i don’t know take a guess
more than 10 oh yeah
more than 15
no no no probably
around 10 or 12 i’ve had a lot of shots on
stage before
but and those shows don’t
those shows are usually
more chaotic like
i had one in tampa recently this was like a really
great moment
where you’re just so
drunk you can’t function
so i bring i
bring a black guy on
stage and i do an
interview so let’s
bring a black guy
he shows his dude
that’s like a
great new closer for
you i bring a button it’s the best
it’s the best you
bring a black guy on
stage and then
one of two things
those happen either you say something totally hilarious
or all the white
people just applaud for whatever he says
right right oh
he’s an engineer yay
good for him
he’s not one of
the you know like that’s what happens
so i bring this
black guy on
stage and i’m like
and i tried to
guess what job he did and then
i used to have a
great one where i
bring a black guy a latino on
stage and i go
i’m gonna say
it the way i say it you say it the way you say it
and then i go i
would like to take you on a date
and then the
latino guy would be like
mummy mummy
mummy and then
and then the
black guy will be like can i play get some conversation
and then we do like a
bunch in the crowd
love dicks they were like
oh that’s right the
white guys nerdy and i always
close with all
right how about this one
i’d like to
apply for a home loan and i give it to the
black guy and he’s like oh
it was great it was
great so i bring this black on
stage in tampa and um
i said to him i go i’m at a loss we’re having a
great moment
making jokes
then you can
slide whatever jokes you do have in your pocket
into that moment
looks improv
place fucking flips out
right like i tell oh you
might be my
black friend
and he’s like oh you got a
black friend i’m like yeah his name’s imaginary
and so then just bam
right off the gates
so then so then i tell the
black guy go
what do you want to do and he goes let’s sing a song
i go really
he’s like yeah
i go okay i go what song do you want to sing he goes
journeys don’t stop believing
i was like all
right i go do you have that in the dj
booth so they
start playing it right
and so now it’s me and the
black guy singing don’t stop leaving
back and forth just a
small town girl
and he knows all the words and it’s killing
then i have my god the
music and the
whole crowd
starts singing
and it’s like
just this like
living in a
lonely world
and you can
literally we
would cut the
music and then
have it turn back on and everyone’s
right on time
and then at the end of the show it’s me and the
black guy no music
and the crowd
still singing and it’s like
do it soft and then you can hear
350 people go
just a small
like don’t stop
even and then i’m like dude is it in a mexican accent
and then the
whole crowds
don’t stop believing
and then the black
guys doing it one more time
shirts his shirts off right
and then the
whole crowd
sings i grab his
leather jacket
throw it on his
shoulders i’m like
we’re done and and
you just that moment you can never
recreate that
you can’t recapture it you can’t try to do it
again yeah that’s live professional
it’s just being in that moment
and being 10 shots in and going
i don’t fuck it yeah fuck it
this can’t end bad
but yeah those are
those moments and then
but here’s the problem then you get addicted to
those moments
and then you sometimes like
i got this like 90 year old
woman on stage
and we were dancing to alcohol
pussy and weed
and i’ve got her
pinned like
style like my
hands on the ground
my legs are up over her shoulders
and she’s just
going like this and
then you get addicted to that
and you want to create that and you stop doing stand up
she was doing that to you it’s online just type
your let her you
she was on top
of you and your legs were over her
shoulders it’s really hard to explain
okay i’ll see it i’ll look for it but it’s just type in
i want to hear more though just
tell me more
yeah so then
but you get addicted to
those moments
right cause then
then like what happens is like
you have the
story that maybe a
comic tells another comic
when bert was in miami
some three gang bangers show
their dick and then
other comments are like dude
i can’t wait to work with you i want to see you work
because i hear what you do and you’re like
and you’re like i don’t do that all the time but like
it does happen
then you feel pressure and then you go to a set at
the hollywood improv
and it’s just fucking
eight minutes of material and you’re like
that was uninspiring i mean don’t get me
wrong you have
those moments
where like like
those oh shit moments
where you just like this will
never fucking happen like this
again right and
those are moments too when you’re doing like an hour on
stage and they get
to know you and you’re really in the groove with the
crowd on it’s
a lot already best like this is and i give this to any
comic listening if you ever need to do this
because sometimes you get
you get that
reputation and then they go
you go to a club and they’re like listen we got a
marriage they want to propose on stage
we told them it was cool with you
listen it’s a shit dick moment
but here’s what you do
giving this to
every comic that wants to use it
it’s brilliant
it came in the moment i was had like four shots tequila
i had a guy one proposed to his
chick this is what you do
bring them both up on
stage to do a shot of tequila
okay the guy knows he’s
proposing you don’t
worry about that
get him on stage
and then you tell the girl we’re
gonna play a game
we’re gonna
blindfold you
and you’re gonna have to feel our
chests just our
chest and tell
which one’s your husband
and which one’s
me and then
she’s like okay so you
blindfold it right
then you tell the dude
now and so he gets on his knee with the ring
and then you just release the
blindfold dude
you wanna talk
about two hundred people like crying like
oh my god the perfect setup
and it’s such an easy way to get out of that
like cause a lot of times when you’re
young comic the manager just be like
they give me five hundred bucks
just make sure he proposes to her
so if your comic and you ever get
stuck in that situation
feel free to use it it’s how i did it
and it killed
there’s now
what do you do
after that though just get all fucking stage
someone playback you should
write a book called
bert kreischer
exit strategies
exit strategies
those are awesome man dude
thank you very much for coming on the show man you’re
fucking hilarious this is one of the most
fun podcasts i’ve ever had me too
knowing that you
enjoyed listening to it now you’re on it and
you probably made one of the best ones we’ve ever had
i won’t listen
to this one but i can’t wait i can’t wait
you can’t tell the
tracy morgans
morgan story i can tell
it of course please tell the
tracy morgan
story and we’re
gonna end on this
thanks to the
flashlight go to
joe rogan net
entering the
flashlight the
thing it’s like rogan is the code name and you get 15
off i’m in february 4th we’re at the
mandalay bay theatre
it’s me joey
diaz and ari shafir that’s like a
three headliner
combo there
and then next weekend not this
one coming out but next weekend i’m at the west palm
beach improv
the 28th 29th and 30th and that is also
with the young and talented ari shafir
so tell me what the fuck happened with
tracy morgan okay
i’ll preface
this i want to be safe and prefaces that my
buddy jay moore does tell us on
stage we have an
agreement he’s my friend he’s not a thief okay
i just want
i know that jay is concerned
about that but
he told me he’s not telling the
story anymore
and it did happen to me so
i mean this is a true
story this is a true
story it’s a true story
so i was a young
comic working
at the boston comedy club
work in the door in new york in new york a
village yeah i used to
party with all the
black comics
because they well
because i don’t
you like to yeah and so we
we used to have a good time and so then
one night tracy
morgan comes in this when he’s
starting to get back into
stand up after snl
so like when you were
young comic a new
celebrity came in you like had to see that shit
had to so i go in
and i watched
tracy said and it is not
we have nothing in common he’s doing
observational material
and his observational material is like
all right yeah okay okay
who remembers finger fucking by the handball courts
and i’m just like
and he thinks that’s a shared
experience like losing a sock in the dryer
right but like everyone
else and then he walks you through he’s like
you put that
bitch up against the wall just
pussy pop that bitch
wouldn’t even kiss a put your arm in your own stank
and now you have a visualization of like precious
getting boxed out at a handball court
making eye contact with passer by just getting her
pussy blown out by
tracy morgan oh
god but then
he comes off
stage and he’s like fucking yeah
i hit that man
i got this new
bit about my
dick being so pretty you can suck it with the lights on
which is a genius statement cause
i’ve never had a blowjob in the
light but he just didn’t word it right right
so my dick is so pretty you can suck it with the
lights on yes
so he so he goes
so then he goes hey you
wanna get high and i was like yeah and
cause i’m a
grown up and so
we walk around
the corner and he pulls out this rack of a joint
hands it to me hits it
that gives it to me i hit it and it
tastes like shit
it tastes like
sweat socks like
just just like
and i’m like what the fuck is this
and he’s like oh you
never smoked sherm before
and i was like what he’s like sharing baby
angel does pcb
you never smoked sherm before
and i’m like
you just gave me fucking pcb
like how did you know
who ever taught you how to get high
oh my god so i
panic bad like
hardcore anxiety tech i go back to the club
i go to this
older black
comic who was and
still is one of my good friends
and i go hey man
tracy just gave me pcp
he’s like oh
oh let me tell you something shorty
tracy doesn’t
smoke pcp he’s not he’s fucking with you
i was like what
he’s like he’s just smoking pot he’s
fucking with you though he’s just getting in your head
and i was like no i
smoke bcb i’m feeling
weird and he goes
whatever you do shorty
don’t go to your
house you hang out with us tonight so i’m like
alright so i do my set i bomb we all go out and tracy
is in downtown soho
like right on houston
right and he’s
in a club that is like one of
those railroad clubs
where it goes
all the way back you have to like walk down five
flight a flight of five
stairs to get two
and he’s in the back he’s been there like 20 minutes
and he is holding
court with his
shirt off okay
shirt off bottles of champagne
covering his
table there’s
other tables that have champagne on it
he’s buying it for them
i buy her a bottle of champagne
right now i got a pretty dick like just
eddie murphy gave me this whatever the fuck he’s saying
is like loud and boisterous
so i sit at the
table and i
think i’m on pcp
and i start
ordering heineken
separately from this
wreck of a bar tab he has
and so i’m getting heinekens and then the
whole night goes through it’s kind of an interesting
bizarre experience
but like two o’clock in the morning and
tracy and the waitress comes up she’s got the bill
and she puts it in
front of me
cause i’m in a
table with all
black dudes
so she thinks i’m their
agent or lawyer or
coach whatever i am
so she gives me the bill and i see it and i’m like
oh i can’t and
tracy morgan
flips out and he goes
oh what the fuck is that
that’s fucking racism
you give it to him
he works the goddamn door
he not knew i ain’t no make any
money i’m the rich
motherfucker in here i’m on tv
i’m the rich
motherfucker and he
flips bottle
of champagne table
upside down now the
woman’s like
um sir sir and he goes
hey and he takes his
shirt and throws it in her face
a bouncer comes up and he’s like
excuse me sir and tracy just
wham lays the
guy in the biggest
fight i’ve ever been in
just breaks out all over people are fighting
jumping and i
think i’m on pcp
so i walk out
on houston and i
start going this isn’t happening
this is imaginary this is not
real people are
flooding out left and right
and they’re like dude that shit’s going off
tracy’s got like four dudes on him
and i was like holy shit
a minute later the doors kick open
and tracy morgan
is launched
out of the club
by the back of his neck and the seat of his pants just
up onto the
street they put a
shirt on him no up on the street
shirtless laying at my feet
on the sidewalk
doors closed
second later
doors kick back open
and tracy’s
shirt comes out end over end
and lands on his head
and it’s silent and we’re looking at
tracy like fuck
this is crazy all of a
sudden he looks up
stands up takes his
shirt snaps and he goes
now that’s how you get out of paying a check
this guy’s crazy like a fox he’s
looking just walked on a six thousand dollar
bar holy shit
getting kicked out of the bar
but you really did that that’s all that’s
awesome i mean you ever have to pay for it whatever
no idea i never i
do here’s the
thing i was it
only met tracy once that was
you don’t hang out with the dude more than that
i would never
leave that guy side
thought it was
me hanging out with him all the time
especially if
i didn’t have kids i was just i was just like
jay used to
tell i was telling you jay used to tell that
story that had happened to me when we do
stand up and man like people
would be like get out of here but
like i don’t
no tracy and i
doubt he remembers the night
at all fuck
and i’m like
and you know how stories go in your head when you
start telling em a lot then you
shorten it and tighten it and watch it
and i’ve been telling that to
comics for like 12 years ever
since that happened
i was a stand up
stand up for like two months
that’s hilarious now you
weren’t on pcp you just thought you were i
wouldn’t know i don’t know i
was probably
strongweed probably
strongweed i
doubt tracy
smokes pcp i’ve
heard him on npr interviews saying
he’s never done drugs
and i can i mean i don’t know i’ve
never done drugs he said on
pcp something that you
would probably tell the person even if you were a pcp
user and i think here’s the
thing is tracy
tracy’s got that like
i would say
that like prison
mentality of like
he’d rather fuck with you than really fuck you up
right right like i
think you’d rather get in your head
then like fuck i don’t
think he’s a mere
mean spirited person
he’s just playing he’s just playing with you and then
and then i’m the one
white guy hanging out with all
black comics
and so then that’s
funny that he
thinks he’s on pcp
that’s a great
but the best
that’s a fucking fantastic
story dude that was
one of the funniest stories ever
next time i’ll tell you
about when i was in the russian mob and we
robbed a train
really it’s a true
story but i’m not
gonna tell it now
okay dude you’re coming back
again soon definitely
folks if you
wanna follow bert on twitter it’s b e r t
k r e i s c
c h e r follow him please
one of the fucking funniest guys we’ve ever had
thank you very much man that was so much fun i had a
blast and we will see you bitches on tuesday
holla at your boy
later love you