The Joe Rogan Experience #73 - Bert Kreischer

the joe rogan experience

i never knew

i never knew how to start

i don’t hear anything brian

you don’t hear anything i don’t hear myself at all and

yeah hello do we have technical issues

i don’t hear myself either yeah

i hear you guys

yeah we hear you dude

we hear you but we don’t hear ourselves

you just did something you turning it up hello

would you just do hello

not to why look at that first

because no one usually

plays with that right

dude the cats the cats get in here and start

whacking shit around

yeah tell me when it’s good they don’t like it when

we kick them out i can’t hear me at all can you hear me

i can hear you probably

using the wrong headphones is there another pair

wait a minute talking to that man talking

can you hear me right now

not very well

try it again right now

right now hello yeah

i can’t i can’t really hear i can hear me a little bit

which ones there right here yeah

right now yeah now i hear me oh my

god extracts

yeah i think we’re supposed to be on this one

we don’t know what the fuck we’re doing

i got a new desk and i’m very excited but i’m also very

excited burke kreischer is in the motherfucking

house ladies and gentlemen

give it up for burke kreischer am i the

first like real fan of the show to come on the show for

shoes um i don’t know sort of

no you know cause i

listen to every single one oh

thanks man that’s awesome it’s the best way

anyone i saw on a chat board someone’s like

it would only be an hour

i could use them for four hours

well some people like it

if it’s only an hour but then just listen to an hour of

it i like the long

i’m flying to

miami i’m gonna pass out in the middle and have to

rewind and figure out

how the fuck a

monkey can hold

how does everyone on this show so fucking

smart i never thought

ralphie was that smart

like just hanging out with them yeah

you know if you’re

gonna put out that kind of that much material me

ralphime’s got

hours and hours of shit

you know a guy like that you

gotta be intelligent

you gotta be intelligent

to be a comic

yeah but some people are

smart as shit what is

going on with the

sound brian i don’t

echoing it’s really loud

hello hello

do i need to be closer

i don’t know like

this this is all very different than

yes kirk crusher he’s a fucking

robot yeah his

voice doesn’t work like normal

human voices hmm

we good now i

think so okay

maybe we’re

stoned yeah

that’s definitely the case

it’s the vaporizer gives you

a different huh a little different little more intense

going vaporizer lately

ladies and gentlemen cutting out the middle man

going straight to the thc

you know the conversations we have

that’s one of the most fun things

about it i mean we always had

these conversations like

especially duncan and i

we would have

hours and hours of

super baked conversation and

brian count too

i fell in love with duncan

and saw him on a plane

and went back to

to where he was sitting

and could not stop talking to him

about getting back into weed

really trying to get back into weed

it’s just i don’t

like you’re trying to take yoga

my wife and my

sisters had an intervention and they were like

listen you’re

drinking way too much

right and i was like

okay and they’re like we got you a bag of afghani kush

like start there

right and then i did and i got rookie baked like

that happened

to me once i got really scared once because

i’d gotten upset

at myself for

making fun of steven seagal

this is how high i was

i was so high i called

eddie bravo

okay i was super

baked paranoid and i’m like

what am i gonna

fight steven

seagalph i see him like i don’t even really care

about him like

why am i just being so mean when i’m making fun of him

because i was making fun of him just

relentlessly and brutally

and then i thought

about it while i was

super baked i was like what if i met that guy

two things first of all i’d probably be nice to him

which is like the most hypocritical shit ever of course

and second of all i

would probably feel terrible for

being so mean and making bad jokes

flashlight yeah

so bad this is this is the alien one

this is you

haven’t come in this no no one has no one else

would i know

that you that’s a joke you like to play on friends yes

that’s brian he doesn’t

he doesn’t run these


these are my possession

it’s pretty awesome

it’s really good for

shooting loads into

oh my god and if you go to joerogan

net and you

click the link

you put in rogan you get 15

off the podcast

or off the the

flashlight here’s how you

clean it have you seen this part

unscrew the bottom

and just dump it out no you unstick

the top and put the faucet on the top yeah so it

just shoots it

right through

yeah that’s it

i’m gonna leave it in

just leave the loads in there in vietnam

wow having like a real

moment with my

flashlight have

a conversation with her long day

really long

speaking of

vietnam i saw a really interesting documentary or a

piece rather it was a very short clip

about they were talking

about how marijuana

it was changed war

and how vietnam was the

first war where the soldiers were

smoking marijuana and they became reluctant to fight

and it was all

about the mentality of the soldiers just

completely changed when they were in

southeast asia and they were smoking weed

and they could

smell the viet cong smoking weed

like over the hill

like they were like

close enough to each

other to smell each

other’s weed

shut up yeah and one guy was talking

about how there was one time

where he was high

and he had seen

this vietnamese

this viet cong soldier and he knew that

that guy was high too he was like they looked at each

other and they knew they were high

just started and they knew they didn’t even know each

other they’re

gonna shoot each

other because

you know some fucking people in an office somewhere

say that this is how it’s supposed to go down but

those vietnam guys were the

first generation to hear stories about war

yeah like that

because their dads came back my


came back from

world war one

world war two

and was fucked up

like fucked up like and they didn’t know that you

could fix it

they just thought well that’s what happened to my life

i was 18 and it just

switched and i’ll

drink beer in the garage by myself

well they don’t know

what to fix it with even though what they’re doing now

they’re really taking the long way around

what they really

should be doing is

giving these soldiers

the ones you

know that want

to do something

about post traumatic

stress disorder mean you shouldn’t impose

it on them but

giving them ibogaine

ibogaine and

ayahuasca are two

of the most potent

psychedelic mixtures

and they’re responsible

for so many different people getting off of heroin

getting overpassed yes dude

conversations with god seems like that

would be like the worst

thing possible to give somebody they

never had that in

touch with reality

you know no no no what it does is it lets them know

what really happened it lets them

see it from an emotional

perspective why there’s this big gigantic hole

in them that

freaks out whenever they

think about the past and

freaks out and

relives all

these moments

and you can go over it with

especially with ibegain i’ve

heard so many different stories

about and also with

mdma you know

mdna which is

ecstasy they

would first

used it therapy with that

that was the idea the

funnest drug when you didn’t know it

would fuck you up yeah

well it does fuck you up though

that’s why i won’t do it

i did it once and that was it for me but i

learned a lot man

i learned a lot

about like insecurities and

but anyway the

point is about soldiers like you know

and people that are addicted

there’s people that have like problems with heroin

problems with alcohol

they can fix all that shit with ibegain geraldo

right i was said like

in one of his lowest

points took a

bunch of acid

cause he said that he

heard that that

would fix his problems

and he said it didn’t

well acid’s not

known for that i mean acid well it is kind of

self alcohol

right yeah but

i think acid also just

freaks people out so much like when it wears

you off it’s like so

what someone described as abrasively


that just so

freaks you out

that it might be too much for someone who has

an addiction

now mushrooms i

think are a little mushrooms are good

anything that’s enlightening

anything that

allows you to step back

and look at it but it has to also

jive with your biochemistry you can say

everything enlightening but what if

you’re that one weirdo that’s allergic to peanuts and

you can’t even

drink diet coke or you get

splitting headaches

are there people that are allergic to weed like

sure there must be there’s people that are allergic to

everything i

would think a lot of bronc

like people that have like

smoking allergies in general and you know

yeah but if

that’s the case are they allergic to it to eat it

or what about

vaporizing well

vaporizing still has

smoke in it i don’t care what you

miss yeah but

doesn’t get

hot enough that’s the

whole deal you

still cough from it

i don’t call from it

i yesterday

you coughed yesterday from because i remember

going you’re

gonna be really fuck man no i

think think so

brian i think you’re

attaching that moment

that memory to some

other time i didn’t really do dimitri

martin’s allergic to alcohol really

yeah and peanuts like if you thought

i shouldn’t say this you

could be really mean and

throw something else in there if you do

it’s allergic to

pussy you know

i don’t know dude

there was an opening

right there

he’s a regular has

he yeah and

he is allergic to alcohol so what happens when he’s

drinking nuts oh he

breaks out if you

throw a peanut on his face his face will swell up

wow that’s crazy talk

about fucking being helpless on

stage someone

doesn’t like your

showing just

flicks a peanut at

you does he know

he knows i mean

now people know now i just

fucked him up man people

gonna be throwing peanuts at him that’s

just kind of fucked up because i’ve worked in so many

kitchens before

where like easily

there could be peanut in something and then

just be a dumb waitress that didn’t know or

you’re at this you’re making a

salad and a peanut

flies into something and it just

seems like that’s just thai

like pad thai

peanut sauce and shit yeah lady in

front of me was allergic to shellfish on the

fight like yesterday coming back from dc

and they gave her shrimp

and put it in

front of her

and she flipped out

she was like i can’t have it around me i can’t

even i can’t even be around it like

and i was like

if we have to land this fucking

pain because this chicken

he felt shellfish

whoa she was

freaking she was

freaking out pretty bad people do though

cause that’s her

think about that that’s your windpipe

like i’m allergic to gerbils right

right and people

wouldn’t recognize it enough

fucking bad

your ass swell up and

stuff no my wife

my kids got

at her school they got a gerbil

and so my wife was playing with the gerbil

one morning and then washed her hands

got in the car

grabbed the

steering wheel

i went to take my

sister to the airport grab the

steering wheel

my eyes shut

this part you know this part of your eye

that lining part

swell up over my eyes i’m okay i started

waters coming out of my eyes and it’s burning

lines down my face

my windpipe

closes up and i’m just like

and but i don’t know what’s happening at the time

cause i’m like i just fucking sat in a car

right i’m like oh shit this is a stroke

something’s going down

i call my wife

and then i start thinking

did she fucking play with the gerbil i just

asked out of the blue

she was like

but i washed my hands and i was like

fucking wow

my god can you believe that’s what i wash my hands

nah right you did

fuck you did

wash your fucking hands

trying to make up for it

revision is history

motherfucker but yeah

but i wash my hands oh that’s nonsense that’s craziness

sounds like something a thirteen year old

would tell you so

could you walk through like a pet

store if you just didn’t

touch anything or have you ever done that just like

cause you’re feeling dangerous on a saturday

fuck no that is so

crazy so anybody that has a gerbil in

their hand and

touch the doorknob you can

touch that and

which is jack you that’s oh

yeah yeah if i

touch like i’m

allergic to cats but i live with my wife has a cat

so i live with it so i’ve gotten over the allergy

wow that must have been

crazy in the beginning of the relationship

huh fucking talk

about swallowing your

pride and fucking deciding

my life is more less important dating this chick

wow and the

doctor we sat down with an hour just one time he’s like

so here’s the

deal the cat cannot be in the room with him or

one night he might die

and then you whoa

and the cat

is fucking there

and your wife’s like but i love the cat she

tried she tried but she

could hear the cat

clawing under the door

unless you want to let him in let him

sleep she’s not a cat longer than me i’m like four

months in oh

fuck it was all sol

just destructive

yeah you got

chose over it i

might have to kill that cat

oh damn dude

the cat she called one night

when we were moving

apartment she was like

we can’t find gus gus

and i was like oh it’s too bad i was like sweet

and then i came home

gus gus for like a day we couldn’t find this cat right

and then my

daughters are getting

upset cause they’re like

daddy gus gus is

he’s hungry i’m like he’s a fucking

street cat he can

fend for himself

so then i go into the old our old

apartment to look for him and i hear him

he’s in the fucking dryer

oh no so you

turned it on

part of me is like there’s a moment

where you have to make the call

do i just not say anything and just

leave like in

those fucking movies

where you just go

huh and just walk by

or do i rescue the cat and deal with my

allergies and i’m like i’m can’t fucking kill an animal

i can’t let an animal die

on my watch

yeah not like that like

gonna kill it

you stomp on its head punch

it or something i kill it

quick don’t let it kill i

like it my cat when i was

when i was in um

high school my dad accidentally

threw the cat in the dryer really

yeah i didn’t know the cat had gone to

sleep in the hammock

or in in the the hamper

because it was warm

clothes in the hamper

and no no no that’s not the

story the story was there was

i guess he went to

sleep in the dryer

whatever somewhere

another the cat got in the fucking dryer by accident

and my dad heard all this thump thump thump

thump thump thump

thump thump

thump thump

and he opened it once and looked and the cat was out

and the cat didn’t move so he was like well

guess nothing’s in here

and so he shut it

again and again

and act like a couple of minutes this man

then he opens it up the cat comes out screeching and

one of his teeth was broken off and

my my father felt so bad he felt

awful it was just a such a bad

scene you know the cat

lived though that’s a shitty

story yeah cat lived

with one fucked up tooth

he always had this one fucked up

tooth that reminded you of like

no wonder this cat’s crazy

imagine one day you wake up and you’re

blackness and you’re falling on

metal every

half a second

you just getting beat over the head

someone’s just beating the fuck out of you and you’re

flipping through the air

what a crazy way to wake up

inside a dryer and then to survive that

after minutes and minutes in that fucking dryer

i had a buddy who passed out and fell into a pool

and that was a terrifying way to wake up that

cat needed ibogaine

that cat needs yeah i was just gonna say yeah

why would you heal that cat with some

psychedelics i know

heal that cat with some ecstasy

by the way don’t don’t listen to anything i say

don’t take anything i tell you to take stop it don’t

don’t listen yeah i’m just a fucking comedian

all right i’m not qualified to be

diagnosing life

changing chemicals to any of you fucking freak

allow those guys

they come back like my cousin

they’re fucking fearless

from the war

you can’t fuck you can’t

phase these dudes like yeah once you

watch a bunch of people

shoot at you and you

shoot at them and kill people and then

you got some fucking frat boy telling you he’s gonna

fucking knock your

teeth in at a bar and

you watch my cousin

not give a shit

literally just go

really like

he got wasted this weekend and fell down a flight of

stairs and split his head open

and he was like

and all his buddies are like he’s fine i’m like dude he

has a head injury he fell down fucking at the dc improv

down those stairs

i never been the same problem it’s like a fucking

slippery icy stairs wow

and so he and

they were like he’s fine he’s fine don’t call fucking

ambulance just

hold johnny

gonna be fine johnny

gonna be fine he’s and he and then he

starts throwing up because he’s a concussion

all over the place

my good i’m like we’re calling the

ambulance i don’t give a shit

that they’re fucking you just can’t fade

these kids man that’s a new

generation coming back here

toughen it up

yeah they’re coming back here

after those

experiences hundreds of thousands of them

right god oh

stand up for

that change

it’s you know so unfortunate

you know it’s so

unfortunate that you got people that are willing to do

you know literally

anything for

their country like

cat tillman type people who really are true heroes

and then you know you look at what they get used for

you know you

look at how chaotic you talk to any soldier that

comes back from afghanistan to tell you it’s fucking

chaos over there yeah no one

thinks you could fix that

place that place is bananas

that’s fucked

it’s fucking

warlords man they’re like michael vick’s dogs

again just got a fucking

crazy end there

another thing

is they fuck boys over there like on a regular basis

it’s like there’s a the

weird culture over there

where they there’s

a lot of like men who take in like little

young boys like

they fuck them

like on a regular basis it’s like a natural part of

their culture it’s so common and so prevalent like

everything over there is so

alien to us

there’s like one city in the

whole country

and the rest of the country

is just like warlords

it’s like you can’t control

there’s like a hundred different fucking dudes with

a hundred different you know harems and

you know they’re

rocking one part of the country and holding it down and

you know the best way they get information from

these dudes the way they communicate with

these dudes

they give them viagra

that’s what the american soldiers do

viagra because they can’t fuck

their wives anymore so it’s hard to hold this harem

it’s hard to be a warlord when your dick

doesn’t work anymore

so they’re giving them viagra and now

these like 60 year old dudes who were just trying to

you know hang on and keep the young

bucks at bay

now they can bone

again so they can get some credibility

you can’t have love it 18 hot

young wives not fuck any of them someone’s

gonna fuck one of

those bitches you know yeah it’s

gonna happen you’re

gonna have to

shoot some young males or something you’re

gonna have to

prove your dominance

wouldn’t you

if you had gotten fucked in the ass as a child

wouldn’t you say

i mean this way i am i’d be like well i didn’t

enjoy that so i’m not

gonna do it to somebody else

well that’s a

rational logical way of

thinking it but apparently

what happens to some people’s

minds when something traumatic happens to them is

their mind gets rewired in a very very unhealthy way

and somehow or another when people are molested

they have some

folks have an

urge to do the

exact same thing that happened

to them to someone else almost like they’re reliving

their pain and

their tragedy and reintroducing it

to another person to try to

understand it or something i mean it’s like

it becomes an addiction to them

it becomes very very sick

i heard of women sometimes that get raped

state date raped try to fuck the same guy over

again to try to

make sure it was okay

and then a lot of times

those guys don’t want to be in that situation

again they know they did the bad thing

so then they

veer away from it and then that fucking ruins the

woman that got date raped

oh god that’s horrible man i hate

psychiatrical shit the way your brain

tries to fix things

is insane it is insane i

think that’s why that’s why

bullying is so dangerous

you know when you hear

about the kids at

school getting

stuffed in their lockers and all

this and then wind up

committing suicide and

some kid recently

fuck this story was so crazy some

i don’t know the full

details of it was someone something someone told me

but some 14 year old kid there was a

bunch of kids they were out on some a little event

this kid climbs to

the top of 10 stories

breaks a window and jumps out in

front of everybody

so they’re all

on there on some fucking vacation or some

school trip or some shit

this kid smashes a window and just

skydives into the pavement in

front of the

whole class

shit yeah were you

bullied at all

yeah i was bullied yeah

that’s why i got into martial arts really

yeah i think almost

every comedian is

bullied but to me

first of all i was little i wasn’t a big guy

and i moved around a lot

when my family was

seven we moved from new jersey to florida or

new jersey to

california and then

california to florida

so it’s like i

never really

like stayed long enough to make like good friends i

would like live in one

place in even

california we

lived in one street

and the next year we lived you

know halfway across town and then you

know in florida we

moved a couple of times it’s like

man i just never

really had a chance to make like long lasting friends

i went to an all boys

catholic high

school oh jesus that was just torture

me and then i was like the

funny like the

funny guy to my friends

so the older dudes

would just fuck you up and it wasn’t even like

bullying or just beat me up

wow just like you just got you knew

i got beaten up one time

this guy on the baseball team

freddy rosella i’ll say his name on

his shit fuck that dude he’s

still a beast he was a

beast when we were all fucking like children

he had like ball hair

like he was a

monster damn

and he sides a little kid with a beard

dude the guy was shaving in like eighth

grade i mean

he was a monster and his arms were huge

and he was the

captain of our baseball team

and i was like

junior sophomore

and he i was making a joke and he said

grazer shut your face

so i went as a joke

and he did not get that

and then he went to go

fight me and then i was like

but then they

broke it up wow so then we get done

he goes into the dugout

and i’m playing

catch with my buddies joe and

troy dean and

warming up and we see him walking

out we’re walking in they’re like oh freddy gets

upset sometimes

but he’s just come to apologize you look

he’s got a badge

probably had enough to the bat

batting practice and he’s just

gonna say sorry

so i was like okay don’t

worry i got this one so i have a

glove in hand ball on the

other hand i’m like

hey freddy and then he just with the baseball bat just

just starts beating the shit out of me

and like my

three friends

got on and they couldn’t pull this guy off of me

and i have a biden

never let go of the ball and i’m just like

and then you

know and then of course i just go to crying

cause i was

still like a

young boy and then

he beat me up and then the

coach was in there and fucking and we both played left

field together

so i had to go out and sit in left

field with him

after that whoa

but those things like that’s why i

think women how do you

how do you get past that moment and when run by him

again when this guy beat the

shit out of you he came to see me at the tampa improv

whoa recently

he me and him probably

never talked

about it we were cool

after that like

i mean we were like

you know we played on the same team for a year

after that and but

he came to tampa and

probably was

like what’s up man i was like hey how you doing

and then but i’m

still like gun shy

right you know cowhead the guy in tampa

radio show okay yeah

cowhead i used to tell a

story about getting in a

fight with a

black guy that

was i did all my hour special

and it’s a real

story it’s a true

story about getting the shit kicked out of my black guy

cow had looked him up and

found the dude

and was like i’m

bringing him in

studio oh my god

please don’t fucking do that

i was praying the guy was dead and be his

daughter listens

to the show or whatever i was like fuck

cause i’ve been telling jokes

about this guy on

stage for the past

eight years

there was this one dude that i went to high

school with

i don’t even remember his name i

think it was

kevin he was this

black kid that was way bigger than everybody else

he was like

this football player i didn’t really know him very well

i knew his brother his brother was a nice guy

but he was like a

scary dude to me just

looked like a mike

tyson looking dude

and you know i remember like

no one ever

fucked with this kid and everybody was always nervous

but there was something about him

where i’d be like man this guy just seems like

he just seems like too dangerous like there’s something

about him like

that makes me fucking nervous like

someone could

be that much bigger than you when you’re 16 years old

that much but

turns out he wanted murdering somebody wow

we had one kid in our neighborhood

definitely won’t say this guy’s fucking name

um the one kid you knew was

weird but you didn’t know like how to

like you just everyone be like who wants to ride

bikes and he’s like who dares me to go in the woods

and put a stick in my ass like that kind of kid

right just crazy one

night he was he had the keys to his this

chick that lived in our neighborhood

he had the keys to her

house because parents were

watching their

house and he’s like

hey you wanna go in her

house and get

weird and i was like

they’re not here

he’s like no come on don’t be fucking

crazy i go in there and i cut the

pussys out of

their underwear

and i was like

so my sister calls me like six

months ago she’s like

you remember

john and i was like yeah she was like

he’s in jail

i go really and she goes yeah he was working

for circuit city when they were

going out of business

and he stole one of the

trucks filled with a

bunch of equipment

and i was like really and she goes yeah and

they arrested him and then they fingerprinted him and

found out he had been killing

chicks down by the

causeway wow

i was like serial

if you fucking said

serial killer to me i

would have been like

if if i was the guy

next door i’d be like i fucking knew it i knew it oh

i saw that coming

holy shit how many

girls did he kill i have no idea but but i was like

and i’ve looked for it

online i can online i can’t find it online it’s so hard

when you run into someone who’s

completely fucking

crazy yeah it’s like what what

you know there’s no way to fix that guy when you’re

fifteen sixteen years old whatever and you’re

all the sudden you’re

going to high

school and you’re

hanging out with this kid who you know is

completely insane

yeah and it’s a

small neighborhood

like eight boys that’s it

oh my god and we

spent the night at this kid’s house and

like just fuck

and i’m like holy shit

man he i’m gonna

wonder when he started

you gotta you

gotta be it

starts young i remember him

shooting a frog with a

bb gun and i remember

him asking me to do it and i couldn’t

do it i couldn’t kill an animal i just couldn’t

in my head it you know at that age

but he was like

it’s funny it’s easy it’s easy they don’t move

but i think you have to start

i’ve got to

start in college

i wonder what

it is you know because some people like jeffrey dahmer

they say there’s nothing

wrong with his upbringing

you know some people were abused

when they were younger some people have some

you know various reasons for why they’re so fucking

crazy and psychotic but

with dahmer dahmer

is one of those

weird ones where they like

there’s nothing was

wrong with his

childhood but what parents

gonna be like yeah

i did that right of

course dahmer’s parents are

gonna be like yeah

you fucking didn’t know you’re not supposed to finger

their assholes every day

every day by the way

speaking of figure

their asshole

i saw a clip online of your show

where you went to the gracie academy in torrance

and you’re talking

about defense

and you said

oh i’ll just grab

their balls and figure

their asshole and horian

just stone faced you

and the way you held it dude was so

funny i was

laughing out loud

you held it just staring at him for like fucking

ten seconds man

with it was

like no one said anything and then he’s like okay

let’s go learn some techniques

some arm locks and some joint locks and some jokes

dude i got choked out

that day i saw

that isn’t that i fucked me up for like a week

because you know what it’s like to

to die you know what it’s like

to be totally helpless

and your windpipe to

close and your

blood to stop and

you fight it just like you’ve seen the

movies where you go no no no no

it’s very helpless

very helpless

especially with the gi

on man guys get collar

chokes on you that’s what

he did he gave me

like the collar thing

very hard to defend those

and that’s why i

stopped fucking with dudes

cuz i realize now

everyone’s a badass everyone

is i almost got in a fight

i almost got in a

fight recently

really yeah because

i just was like

my my wait no stober

it was in the morning i was going

to shoot something for comedy central and

i needed a bathing suit

so my sisters live on

an apartment building

blow starbucks

so i like fly in

and i kind of

block it two spaces

and they’re just

gonna throw my bathing suit to me

so they throw it and then as i pull out i realize i

blocked it and this guy’s pissed so he

he’s really

pisses as i pull out he zooms in gets out of his car

starts yelling at me

now i’m do come i’ve been in a lot of fist

fights so i do come from that kind of like

mentality of like talk shit and let’s

that’s my mentality at the time

so i said talk shit and let’s fight

i’ll fight yeah

you just ready to

fight some dude no no no not now not now

how long ago was this this was

this was like

three years ago

okay you’re a different guy now very

this moment and then the moment happened the next day

so then i he yells at

me and i roll down my window and i yelled at him i go

i was just trying to get my bathing suit

like that’s gonna

fuck it like he’s

gonna go oh i didn’t know go ahead

but i was like that was my defense

i’m just getting my fucking bathing suit i wasn’t

being a dick and then he goes fuck you

learn how to

drive and so i get out of the car

and then i stand up i come out here i

stand out the car and i go

come out here be a man

prove you’re a fucking man oh no you

do that oh my god you’re crazy

at a fucking starbucks now everyone’s like

did you know how to

fight at all

no but i know yeah i know how to

and this was la

right this is la

you women have you do have martial arts

training none whatsoever you don’t know how to box you

never wrestled

never box never wrestles

sparring just fist

fights in college

and god damn dude what are you doing you

crazy exactly

and it was at

that moment that i realized that he walked out

i would have to fist fight

ryan what if he’s good what do

you do what do you do if you get out there and you

start talking shit to a dude and the

dude just holds his hands up real natural and starts

bouncing around on his toes i get my car and drive away

he just pulls out a gun and

shoots you yeah this is la

yeah that too

but it’s that moment you

might be your ass

first yeah you need that one moment

where you go all

right that’s

never gonna happen

again yeah why

why have unnecessary

conflict you know that’s an unnecessary moment

that’s like just management

right there that’s management of

stress and emotions

yes because really you don’t even know this guy

if that was you what if you had done this

and the guy who you cut off was like your best friend

and you know you cut them

off and you’re like fuck i can’t believe i cut mike off

you know mike’s my best friend

yeah you know

your interaction with this guy is all

based on you know this conflict that you’re having

but those you

treated that

guy mine i know i know no but if you can

rewire your

brain to try to

think like that was he driving a prius

no he’s driving a teal

yes is a douchebag

i was gonna say i

might have done

it i saw a prius

he had a tl bmw

i told you i’m on a

eight eight

count eight

so far i’ve seen

eight priuss

flick cigarettes out

their windows

eight yeah it’s amazing

i started noticing

it in san francisco i’m like why do i keep seeing

these eco cunts

throwing cigarettes out

their window

there’s some

weird justification

well you could also

think that you

could just own a prius

because you want to save

money on gas

you don’t give a shit

about fucking yeah

i swear to god i unplug this fucking country

phone that’s funny now

that’s funny dude

what go from what

planned parenthood joe planned parenthood

adolf john mendoza sounds like

how do you hear planned parenthood

i’m always thinking planned parenthood you know

call anybody should you

you should great

place to pick up chicks is the

subway right

underneath the planned parenthood

get a bunch of sackers so

what were we talking

about before we

got cut out yeah don’t go and get an advice man i’m not

no i mean it’s like a

total hippie

thing to say

well look at that guy as if he’s your brother and

treat him as such but

you know a lot of shit can be

avoided just with like

cool talking to people

shit that could just turn your

whole life into ugliness oh dude

one fucking

i knew gynecologist

punched a dude one time and killed him

just he fell back on a

thing and kevin

james went to

he was a bouncer for a

while and he was a

bouncer with this dude

and a fight

broke out between some

drunks something happened

bouncer punched this kid kid felt

unconscious and banged his head off the curb and died

the bouncer

fucking college kids trying to make some

money all of a

sudden he’s in jail for like years

you know it’s like some serious shit he got

charged with manslaughter i

think that’s a lot of the reason why i wear hats and

sunglasses so much and i always look at the ground i’ve

never because

especially out

here i don’t

want i don’t

hair i don’t need to talk to anybody if i

wanna talk to somebody i’ll go to you you know type

of attitude like i like

people it’s

funny when you see

those people that hand out

things on the streets you know like flyers or

people like trying to get you to sign

things when you walk

into the grocery store

you see that i

watch them like go hey

to every person

and i get up and they don’t say a word to me

they like cause i

purposely sent out a vibe to be like

don’t talk to me

yeah i’m not

happy when they get me in the parking lot of the


when i’m trying to put my groceries into the truck yeah

you know what are you doing this

guy comes up to me with his one finger up in the air

okay holding it up in the air like

above his head

and he points it at me and he goes

do you have one

minute for gay rights

no do you have one

minute for gay

rights unless we’re talking about

les bo rights

and i was like yeah

dude i’m going to my fucking car get out of here

this is nonsense

and i have one

minute for you

this ain’t about gay

rights man you’re not

gonna fix gay

rights by me giving you a dollar or by me

giving you my fucking

email address that’s not

gonna fix gay

rights what’s

gonna fix gay

rights is voting

and people learning how to be nice to each

other and not being prejudiced

not some fucking weirdo

who accosts

you in a parking lot with a finger in your face

do you have one

minute for gay rights he

just so pronouncedly offensively gay yeah

you know with his finger in my face

gay guys come on

man gay guys have

started just fucking hate me

why i don’t know they see me and i

think they just look at me and they’re

like fucking that guy was a nightmare in high school

think you’re

homophobic oh and a

heartbeat i don’t

know furthest

thing from home

you look like a decent bear

you know do

a decent bear bears

folks at home that are innocent

is what a hairy

overweight gay man is a bear that’s what they call

and now that now a

bunch of people are looking this going

oh that is your chest hair

your chest hair

yeah a little bit it’s just joe got so gay right there

both you two

you just almost kissed have you ever seen a gay porn

yes accidentally accidentally

me too and i watch over 40 minutes

a bunch of shit on my

website there’s always

stuff but one time

i was i picked up

this girl in long island and we went back to her place

and she had she said there’s this

video that’s here

that was here when i

moved in i think it’s porn

and i go oh yeah

and so she throws it in and it’s

these two dudes in the woods

and one dude’s got his back

against the tree

and the other dude is looking

at him i’m like why is he looking at him like that now

i didn’t know it was a gay porn i thought it was a porn

i put a lot of backstory on it

like yeah man this is

gonna be a strange story

i never did like the

story ones i like the clips just cut

right to the

bone and i don’t need to know that you’re a

pizza man okay

so anyway this

dude pulls the guy’s

pants down starts sucking his cock

and i literally

started hyperventilating i was like what

like i’d never seen

mind you you kids today

you grow up this is the

age of the internet you see

dude sucking dick all the time

i had never seen a man actually suck a dick

until this moment

and i was probably 22 years old somewhere around then

22 23 so this guy

starts sucking this guy’s cock

and i was like wow they really do do it

that’s what i

thought in my head like i knew what that’s what gay was

like i lived in san francisco for

three years when i was younger

my actually my aunt i told the

story before but my aunt used to get high with

these gay guys that live next door

and they used to

smoke pot and get

naked together

and like one guy

would play the bongos and they were really

weird and there’s like this big muscular

black guy and his

white little

bitch boyfriend

and my aunt

would go over and

smoke pot so i grew up with gay people

yeah it didn’t bother me i didn’t know but

watching the guy actually suck the cock i’m like whoa

you can’t take that back dude

you are sucking a cock on video

i can’t believe that’s getting

people to do it

i couldn’t believe that they

could get people to do it

even if you were gay you want people to know that much

you want people to see the gay stuff

i used to have a joke

about you’re

gonna hate this

but why would i hate it

cause i used to

i used to say what

i looked to the audience

say who’s seen the gay porn and no one

i said who’s seen the ufc

and then everyone i go here’s my pitch

mix the two

genres right

fights where the winner gets to fuck the

loser in the app

i’m not saying anyone

would watch the entire

fight but how hard

would you fight

if your asshole was on the line you

would fight hard as shit no tap outs

no tap outs just the best part

that i thought

would be after the guy is


watching brock

lesnar try to get hard in the thing

i just don’t want to get hard before

i can put them in the ass come on come on come on

come on so what if that yeah what if he takes him down

to rape them and the guys out he can’t get it out can’t

get it up and he’s just sitting there and then the guy

starts coming to he’s got a

contest with that

maybe just win by tap

and tap that ass

but yeah they

you’d always get like

why would i hate

that though that’s hilarious

i don’t know i just thought

like ufc guys

brings up the whole

when the so gay with two guys rubbing

well guys like you like to

think it’s gay

no actually

you know what

i might have thought that when i

first you know

thought of it the

first time ever but now you know i don’t

think of it but it’s funny

every time i go to like open mics and

stuff like that that

whenever they talk about ufc

that comes up they show

that’s like

asian drivers or black eyes

on tip yeah

you know it’s all like it’s all

right there it’s a hot

topic it’s the easiest

conclusion to draw you know

you know what

you see these guys in

their underwear

looking gay

they stopped wearing the tight ones

some guys wear the

tight ones yeah that’s how

jersey player

will still rock the tights yeah

was packaged there

you know what i’m saying

it just smuggling it

now would you ever fight in

ufc no i would not have this i don’t

think you should ever dabble in fighting

i think fighting is a very very very dangerous

thing and you should be obsessed with it

and it should be your soul focus

you shouldn’t be

know a stand up comedian

slash you know author

slash podiatrist

slash ufc fighter no when was the last fist

fight you got in like a provoked street not

since i was in high school really yeah

no how by the time i was in high

school i was already a martial arts

champion see i

was so scared of getting

bullied and kids fucking with me that i just

became obsessed with martial arts

yeah and so when i was you know 16

i was already winning all

these big tournaments when i was 17 that was the


state championship i was

fighting in the men’s

divisions when i was a kid when i was like 15 and 16

so most of the kids that i knew

at the time

they all knew that i was doing that so but i

would just left me

alone but i was

still terrified

i was still scared even when i was

fighting in tournaments i was afraid of bullies and

getting my ass kicked i didn’t totally believe that i

could kick someone’s ass really even when i was

knocking out

grown men and

in sparring and

you know and then

you know having

fucking wars in the gym i would

still run into bullies and you know kids that

i knew that were like bullies and i’d be scared of them

i just did i didn’t want him to fuck with me i wanted

to make sure i can get away from let me just go around

the outside like i even when i was winning fights

against train

fighters are

still like it

fucks with your head me and my friends that we all got

bullied by the same bullies

you know but we were all like

the artist kids you know

i what we would always do is like

like draw pictures of them

with cocks in

their mouth and

stuff like that

and just like

put them around like the bathrooms and

the girls bathrooms and

throw them in there

would just turn around the corner

toss a bunch of drawings in there

like i would say like

did you copy them or

did you just rake the same drawing over and over no we

copied them and then

with a copy machine

yeah but we

would make it like kind of like currency

and they knew we were the artist

your mic is so much louder than everybody’s mic

we knew the same thing

same thing as

yesterday is there a setting or something

so much lower on this

board if you can

come look at it

maybe your mic is better than ours

i don’t know

i don’t know i’m

sorry i’m sorry

but anyway so

we would draw a

bunch of different ones so there was like all

these kind of

like five dollar bill 10 dollar bill 20 dollar bill

a different kind of currency

of bullies getting bullies with dixon

cocks and stuff like that hilarious that’s so

funny yeah i wanted to i just

pitched the

travel channel they were trying to think of

ways to promote

my new show and i thought i had the most

genius idea

i was like what if you made like

busts a bust of me

like this big right

just my bust

it like with my

mouth open and

it fit over

urinal mints

like urinal cages

so you put them in

urinals all over the country just me with my

mouth open so people could

piss in my mouth

i was like everyone

would fucking talk

about those

and like i’ve thought it would like

spread like wildfire and they looked at me like i

was out of my fucking mind i’m fairly confident i would

never have come up with that idea

but if you saw one in a bar

would you not

bring it up

i would never want anybody pissing in a symbolic

mouth of mine

because i don’t want to give anybody that idea

i don’t want dudes go you have and

after we piss in his mouth

let’s fuck him in his mind i hadn’t

thought it all the way through possibly

down you jerk off in his hair and i’m

gonna shit on his chest

you know i don’t want to open up the door for anything

degrading it wasn’t

flushed out but

i thought it

would be like one of

those like marketing

geniuses hmm

would you would want to give

people something that everybody wants and needs and

doesn’t really

have on them like if you want to give them a lighters

you know something like that

would burke the conqueror lighters

or give them something they’re

gonna use so they’re gonna

enjoy the fact that oh i got this from

birthcock like a keychain

who uses a fucking keychain man that’s

silly it’s just

more shit to

have in your pocket put your fucking key in your pocket

right yeah you know but like you know

bert the conqueror keychains that’s not

gonna come up that’s not good

but but like

maybe a lighter no

especially people

who are smokers

i was i told her to

bring like a thousand

stickers and just send them to kids

and then they’ll get

annoyed you

stick their

stickers bert the conqueror cunt

these guys got fucking

stickers all over my

school what

is a thing though that you

could use that

would really help

people besides like pens and shit like that like what

would people

enjoy is there a

piece of swag

that people

would actually be

happy to get

brian you’re into all that shit

yeah you know the

thing i would

think of iphone cases

that’s not a bad

movie because i mean i know so many

so many chicks that

have no iphone case i’m like dude you’re so fucking

stupid you’re

gonna break this you know you’re gonna

drop so dope without a case

it does look

dope but all

their excuses is like i know i just need

it is pretty

stupid that you have to

have a case too that bothers the shit out of me man i

think that’s so dumb

i had that little rubber bumper on i

dropped it shattered

really yeah they’ll

get the graph

like i got a good fat rubber one now

what about what

about bert the conqueror

magnetic wristbands

oh those hologram

bullshit yeah those

bullshit bans those

things pass them out people like oh fuck

i’ve seen so many high level

fighters wearing

those things and it makes me so sad

it’s like why don’t you just

take a chicken

head and wrap that around your neck let’s

do some voodoo yeah

but it works what is that

brian see this

is like a rubber iphone case that i got the

other day from some japanese with a focus

on listening on itunes he’s holding up some sort of a

you just got that for free japanese

no i didn’t get it for free but i’m just saying if you

feel it this is like a

cheap that is a

cheap product

well they cost like 30

bucks though dude

yeah but that much

that’s super markup if you go to

ebay if you go to amazon you can get like

oxides really

so how much do you

think that would cost to get

this probably like a dollar well i

think probably just the part alone

i’d probably say like not

even a dollar 13 something like that something cheap

how did you

come up with a dollar 13 because it seems more official

does right if you

added like an

extra number in there

i bet there’s a company on

the internet that you can

print out your own iphone cases what

about birth to conqueror

sunscreen little

packets of sunscreen

that’s not a bad idea as long as you know that it

doesn’t like

give you cancer or something because i’ve read some

crazy shit about sunscreen actually contributing

to cancer in some people fucking great yeah

that’s all i do is lather in sunscreen i do too man

fucking i have

a friend of mine who’s got skin cancer right now

had a big big

chunk of meat removed from his head

now how did he notice

was it itchy

or here’s the

scary thing

he went to a dermatologist and the dermatologist

said nothing the dermatologist

said i don’t

think you should

worry about it and then a year

later he went to

another dermatologist and it turns out it’s skin cancer

and it was pretty deep they had

to really dig into his head to cut it out wow that’s

scary because i mean i have this one

well i’m a moly


and bitch i have

this one mole on my back that always

feels so weird it’s like crusty

feeling sometimes and then i went to the dermatologist

and they’re like oh no that’s fine here look at

these pictures see that that’s what you

wanna look out for

where it looks like red dots and it’s

all crazy looking

and i’m like okay

but i’ve always thought no that’s not

right i haven’t

checked out

tense i’m a hypo

massive hypochondriac

are you really oh i

found a fucking

ingrown hair

under my arm one time and because i just hung out with

schimmel i was like i got fucking non hodgkin’s

lymphoma this

is how it starts

oh my god i was in a fucking convince myself

whole flight home

went straight to the doctor

and she’s looked at it she was it’s an ingrown hair

holy shit dude

check this out i had an ingrown hair in my

belly button you remember this oh my god i

gotta see this

this is like four

four or five

again this show turned gay for

oh my god i

gotta see this don’t look

amazing in my mouth

if you have

an ingrown toenail anything ingrown that’s pussing

i’m dying to

see it oh yeah

you don’t you

haven’t typed in bot fly

extraction i

have seen it

i want one so bad

what just the idea

with you just the idea to pull it out i

maybe i don’t want one i want my wife

to get one so you can

pull it out

oh that looks

awesome let

me see you know you

have it now this is like four or five years ago and it

got a weird pus

thing going on son

you don’t go you don’t do that

if i get anything like a good pimple

oh my god it

swelled up my

belly button to the

point where you couldn’t even put your finger in it

and then one day it just

filled up with

blood and yellow

stuff and white

stuff we gotta be

really careful

about staph infections

and this is

for anybody that listens to the podcast please

if you have any

weird infection on your body that you know

maybe it’s a spider bite i don’t know what it is

go to a fucking doctor and get that

checked out

cause you could fucking die staph infections are

scary shit did you

guys do you probably don’t know the

comics dendroy johnson he’s from tampa

right so i’m

going on facebook one day and i

click on it and the when the

thing his post is

doctors say it looks like i’ll keep my leg

and then now i’m like

what the fuck

right so i go to his page

and i start

clicking back

older post to find out

like what happened

so i go back like

two months two weeks

later and and it

starts like he’s at the dayton

funny bone and he’s like yeah

so um i got a

weird bite on my leg last night

uh i wonder if it’s a spider bite i’m

gonna get some calamine lotion next day

it’s getting

worse the day after that

okay this is really

starting to concern me the day after that

i’m having a hard time walking

and like you can see

it getting worse and worse and

worse and then he ends up in a hospital he’s like

doctor say i’ll keep my leg and i’m like

wow fuck it’s like this guy

it’s like this

what was it

i have no idea it must have been mercer

it must have been that that there’s a

crazy strain of

staff we talked about

the antibiotics brian

but people not taking

their antibiotics in the full dose so it

doesn’t kill the bacteria

and it creates

things these

antibiotic resistant

strains yeah of of infection and

staff is one of the scariest ones man

oh fuck yeah

there’s donna

de erico apparently has it real bad

who the baywatch

chick donna

de erico shut up

she got mercer

she got it real bad

apparently it

was in the news like she was in like really bad shape

i always worry

about that at

barry’s boot camp

like about because i don’t

think they clean it

well this is what you got to make sure

you know when you ever get any sort of scratch there’s

a company called defense soap that has a

bunch of different

solvents or

salves and all

these different things

and they’re all natural oils that kill and any like

funky infections but any open

wound any open scratch you

gotta clean that

it has to be

cleaned and

you have to make sure you put something on it you know

these ointments

and salves they’re all like natural it’s all

eucalyptus oil and tea tree oil

kills all funky shit

you know just give yourself a

fighting chance

the dudes run around with

like deep scratches and they don’t do anything about it

and something you don’t

clean it and then it gets infected like

you can fuckin lose your arm

like that’s

no joke man i know a dude who got one in his

elbow and his

elbow was fucked up

he got it in

jiu jitsu didn’t know

what it was hurt him didn’t do anything for a while

and by the time he went to a doctor you

know he’s a

tough guy he’s an

australian dude

by the time he went to a doctor it’s too late

he had this

giant hole in his arm because

his arm had

swollen up to

this monstrous looking

thing that’s

twice the size of a normal elbow

fuck that happened to ari

shafir too already got one on his knee

and we were

playing pool and i saw him limping around the pool

table i go what the fuck is going on

and he goes i got bit by a spider and as soon

as he said that to me i said oh fuck you know i had had

staff once and

i was lucky that somebody

pointed it out to me i didn’t know what it was

i got it really really

early it was just

a few pimples on my leg and my friend

tate looked at it he goes dude what is that on your leg

i don’t know is it

zits or something

he goes i think you got

staff man you

gotta go get

that checked out

and what it is is it’s

folliculitis i forget how it’s with the actual term is

but when you see

like follicles that are like little infected follicles

that’s the beginning

that’s the beginning of a staph infection

and it could be nothing it

could go away

or it can get ugly and be

nasty and aries had turned into like this

swollen posse looking

thing that looked like he had been bit by something

and it was just a rampant

staff infection so

how do you get rid of it

well he had to go on some serious antibiotics and

he got it again

he got staff

again like a year later

how’s he getting it

well he got it

from jiu jitsu

got it from

jiu jitsu and that happens in

jiu jitsu and

the way it happens is you’re getting scratched and

scraped and

you’re sparring and when you’re sparring you’re


going pretty much full clip on each

other and you

know you get

cuts and your knees scratch on the ground and if you

wash yourself like ari would just like fucking

he would just like not take a shower at all even that

night and he would have like ten dudes rape

sweat all over him

just leaking into various holes in his

body honey pot of disease

and then some poor shit gets in that

same bed the next week and fucking the next town and

bang bang chicks in that bed and by the way

re changes his sheets no bullshit once

every six months

he went six

months without

changing the sheets

no i think it was even longer than that

cause it was like

yeah a very long time and he wonders

why the fuck he gets staff

yo dude you

gotta clean your

house son i love that

video of his asshole

jt lam oh my god it’s the best

so strange it really defines

what hemorrhoids really are like

yeah i didn’t know what

they last anus

your butt is

your butt’s popping out from the inside how do you do

stand up with that in the back of your

pants i know

man how do you

show it to everybody and not give a fuck i can’t even

sit on my wallet and

ari is already sitting on a golf ball i

think it’s comfortable though it’s like

it’s probably like you know like

those things you put on your inner

air mattress no like the doctor scholl’s

he’s just chilling

are you doing just jealous oh no

he’s his mind’s told works

totally different than mine so yeah talking to him

about getting on smoking weed

a prescription

for flying because i have a terrible fear of flying

he’s like dude you just

gotta take one of

these gel tabs

and i’m telling you man like him and

ralphie yeah

two people that i just don’t

under a player

just take two of these

don’t listen

don’t listen i

think they’re fucking being dicks like

they don’t mean to

but like i just i

took like half of one and was melted yeah a breast trip

one of those little

things if you get a hold of those

jammies those

you take a half

if you’re an

og any yeah don’t eat anything if you didn’t make it

yourself man it’s just too hard to know the dosage they

gotta regulate that shit yeah it’s not fucking like

dudes that work in

intel making

microchips with

fucking lab coats on

some asshole in a tie dyed

t shirt and a

goofy ponytail

and he’s throwing some shit into a bowl

and if he’s making it he

clearly has a high tolerance yeah

he’s like who am i

gonna make this for fucking

kids exactly

there’s a dude that came to visit us

and he came to

visit us at the john lovett’s club

and he gave me some shit me and joey

after the show

we both like just sat there and joey always leaves he

always leaves

always yeah

girl if i go on stage

i know that it’s a

second show by the time i get off stage

joey’s gone

i got off stage i’m saying hi

i’m saying bye to the

staff thank

you everybody blah blah blah gathering all my shit

and i see joey sitting in a

chair i ain’t

gonna lie to your dog

i ain’t moving

i ain’t moving joe rogan

that’s how high i am you’re not

going anywhere either

stay here with me cocksucker

stay here the

whole time he was sitting there

watching you joe when you’re on stage

sweating like

hand going like a thousand

miles a moment just

sweating he

would look at me and get those eyes

you know he’s like looking at you like that

the point being

these motherfuckers in

their cookies man they were too strong

already ate

they had the like

these what are

those called biscotti’s

the guy told me only eat a half already

ate a whole one

and joey ate one and a half of them yeah joey

ate one and a half the guy says eat a half joey goes ha

i laugh in the face of danger

he just ate all of it yeah

now what happens to your

brain when you get

is getting too high like getting too drunk

no it’s when you get really really high

especially if you eat it

it’s really


it’s very it’s

it’s really

introspective it really

it brings up your past and you

start thinking

about all kinds of

weird shit about your

childhood and

things that you did

you know you’re

upset that you did to someone when you were like

seven you know

you just start really

tripping out

about weird shit and

it’s much more

it’s like a much deeper much more like

psychedelic trip than just smoking it

when you’re

smoking you get really high you get paranoid you get

hyper aware

you start feeling really vulnerable you

start being really sensitive to shit

but when you eat it you

start hallucinating

especially when you

close your eyes

when you eat it and you

close your eyes dude i

always for me for whatever reason it’s cartoons fucking

that’s what i see

i see these really bizarre

alien impossible describe cartoons

fucking and i can

never exactly see what they look like

cause whatever they look like

right now is not what they look like a

second from now

they just keep

morphing and

changing and it’s like

some sort of

these alien cartoons fucking that’s what i see

every time i

close my eyes when i get

super baked that’s what i know

if i’ve eaten like a pot cookie that’s what i know i’m

deep in the terror zone

really yeah you get into that strange

place of it almost feels that you

feel like you are now in another dimension like you’ve

entered into an

alien world

you look at the

world around you

the mechanical

world like airplanes and

pilots and stewardesses and

cars and trolleys and you look at all that shit

and the mechanical

interfacing it all becomes like you become like

super aware of it all and it

feels like an

alien world

because there’s a

world all around you that you’ve totally

taken for granted

that is completely

bizarre the

world of you

climbing into a

metal box with these

squishy rubber

tires connected to this

hard pavement they’ve created and molded over the

earth and you’re in this box and

while this is happening

the giant fucking nuclear explosion that

lights everything up and you’re

spinning around it

going a million

miles an hour through the fucking universe

it’s just too much man

you have to compartmentalize your life

and what pot does is it

doesn’t let you compartmentalize you can’t say well i

gotta get the kids to school

you know pot

pot goes yeah you do but

look at what life really is

look at space it goes on forever

inside every galaxy there’s a

black hole inside

every black hole’s another universe

filled with hundreds of billions of

galaxies each with a black hole

each with another universe with hundreds of billions of

galaxies and

the whole mass of it all just

starts fucking overwhelming you

that’s the problem with pot that’s why people think

people go oh it makes me paranoid

you know you

should be paranoid

if you were really

smart you would realize a the shit all ends

everyone’s gonna it’s gonna stop

for all of us

are we trying to get me into an anxiety attack

jesus christ

but i mean that’s

something that we ignore

you know i think

we should appreciate the moment but we

should be aware that it’s temporary

and to deny it

and just to put it in the back that’s not helping you

because then when the pot comes on

and you get

super paranoid about that

what you’re

super paranoid

about is about something you

haven’t really addressed in your own mind you

haven’t come to grips with it it’s a real fucking

thing that one

day you will find out is there a god is there a devil

is there fucking

space aliens that take you away in

their crafts

right or is this one step in an endless

cycle of things that

you can’t even recognize what the next one is it’s so

bizarre and

alien this is

alien man this

world that we live in if we didn’t live in this

world we were some sort of an

empty rational

objective being

you know that was like looking at

human culture we

would say this is the

way to live is the craziest thing ever

that’s why that’s why

if i ever get really rich i’m moving to idaho

i’m buying a mountain

i’m making a huge

rock sculpture of myself

with paintings of like

carved into the mountain of what i did like real

outrageous stories

cause that’s the only

thing that’s

gonna be left

that is you’re gonna

go make faro

faro cryshares

cause that’s all

that’s left man

that’s all that’s left

all the steel

crumbles it’s

gonna be me

crazy horse and the fucking four

presidents yeah and they’ll be like who is this bird

how dope is that

crazy horse

structure they’re

still working on that

thing i’ll be doing that shit too that’s what you

should do forever joe

let’s do this okay i will i will

spearhead this

i will quit comedy tomorrow okay i don’t need a lot of

money all i need like a

bunch of dynamite

and and i just want to do you know how to do this

no we’ll figure that shit out we can figure it out

lewis and clark made it across the fucking country dude

i’ve been watching this new show

i think it’s called the wild within

it’s a new show

on the travel

channel dude i

watched it last

night for the

first time i saw the ads and i

started t bowing it

fuck it’s awesome man dude

and he went through

lewis and clark

way through montana there

goes pit bull

hunting for fucking

bore next week

jesus christ like old school

yeah we’re taking some pit bulls we’re getting a bore

dude i had a dog that was

trained for that shit i had this hawaiian

pit bull that they use for wild hog hunting

he was crazy

frank you remember

frank frank was

crazy that was a dog i

could not stop that dog from wanting to attack

other animals

it was bred to go

after hogs so he was like

super super

aggressive it was a

tremendous pain in the ass now how’s

your dogs with the girls

oh they’re great

the dogs that i have now

are very like

the johnny the big one the mastiff is very calm

yeah he’s you know

he was like

the guy who bred him bred

dogs for fear factor and he really is conscientious

about how he mixes them

he makes sure that dogs that are

aggressive to people or even

other dogs they

never get to

breed so he only

breeds the best

personalities and he’s been doing it for

generation after generation

so he really is

and he’s very

proud of it

so his dogs have like the best temperament

like he went over his house

and his dogs like they’re

these giant

things but they’re

so calm and friendly and they come over to you to

check you out and assess

and make sure okay let me just make sure you’re cool

okay come on in come on in

relax that’s what i want yeah you

get one of those i

hook you up

i wanted an argentinian mass test

those are crazy you

gotta be careful of

those and why i didn’t know

and then i submitted i sent an

email to the

lady and then she sent back a questionnaire

and do you have kids first yeah

first question do you have kids and i was like yeah

second question

do you plan on

sleeping with a dog

yeah i was like i don’t understand

sex with them

is that what it is yeah

a lot of you

didn’t want to before

before mrs rogan

moved in i used to

sleep with the dogs

really sleep with two pit bulls in my bed yeah

yeah they love it they love

sleeping with you

they love you man dogs you know

when you have a real relationship with dogs like that

they really are like the

sort of subhuman baby that you have it’s like it’s not

quite human you don’t love them as much as that but

you know there’s

an affectionate like loving bond between you and a dog

ever since you and callen

like two weeks ago last week

said like your guys were talking about how

crazy is it that we’re riding

horses yeah

like i started looking at animals like

just sitting in my

house like it’s

weird i got fucking

dominion over that bitch

yeah well what’s

weird is when they can kill you and they don’t know

yeah when you have a pit bull or in my mastiff he

could kill me i’ve worked with chimpanzees

maybe four or five times yeah

i had a chimpanzee

adult an adult chimpanzee

on my on my shoulders

with both ears

in his hands

oh no for fucking spike tv

and i was like making 13

grand an episode oh my god you fucking

possibility of my nose being bitten off

a real good possibility

i’ve worked

with a male

male chimpanzee aren’t

sitting on my neck

john the john moore this

wouldn’t an

ep i’ve worked with a

ton of times

has a picture of it

and he’s just got both my ears in his hands

i worked with a bear how big is

he who’s a fucking

beast like how big how much

like he was like a

seventh grader

like the seven

hundred pounds

yeah yeah sort of

had a lesson

just wasn’t yeah

i wrestled a bear one time for that

work show dude

that’s the fucking scariest

thing i’ve ever done in my life did you ever see the

video that guy who is a

trainer and

the bear kills i killed his brother or his cousin i

think was his brother it’s this i

might be the same bear i worked with really

cause i worked with the bear that was it was a

movie bear yeah it was like the bear that fucking

fought will ferrell

in the movie semi pro

really i think this is the bear we’re talking

about dude that

bear killed somebody so they

let’s let’s find this out real

quick because i

think his name was

bam bam or it’s from bam bam

family one of the bears that we fought that day was

named bam bam i know that or i

think that this podcast is filled with bears semi pro

bear kills trainer

yeah that’s the

first thing that comes up

what was the bear’s name i

think is either

rocky rocky and bam bam were the massive animal who are

named rocky is being put through obedience exercises

was being put through obedience exercises

wow he just decided to just bite this dude on the neck

where is it let me see a picture of

where it is

that looks like

where it was is it in

california um

yes yeah big bear

yeah we had to

drive out we had to

drive out dude

this is the bear this bear killed somebody we

there’s only

like four bears you can work with it’s like fucking

black black actress

so you worked with this

murder bear

wait that was a really good joke we’re

gonna pass by that’s pretty good i’m

sorry i mean

that book is

it that’s so true

i wasn’t even thinking

about it no i apologize so i like how you

claimed it though

you like stop stop that was a good lie

strong i like that so you go to this it’s like how’s al

sharpton keep getting work

what the fuck

man you guys can’t do better than that guy that’s

ridiculous that guy’s the safest man in america

no one’s killing him

so ridiculous no

white supremacist is

gonna kill him they love what he does they don’t

carry so yeah

he’s so buffoonish he gets up with his windows open so

al sharpton

walked by the comedy

store one night and we were hammered

it was me and god

i think ari was there

eddie bravo was

definitely there and

he’s walking by

and as he’s walking by

al sharpton

we all just

start yelling out

how sharpton’s a pimp

how sharpton

work that motherfucker

everyone’s yelling

at like five different dudes go get yours out

fuck those dummies

and he’s like kind of waving and

not knowing how to respond and we’re just like letting

yeah we know you’re a

crook but go

ahead go get it

you do trigger how he got his

his tomorrow broadly

style no his his

relaxed hair relaxed no

he used to look like fucking buckwheat

right and then and then

godfather of soul

james brown

was said i can

get to a meeting with the president and we can get a

you know we get in there tomorrow i

think was like

i want to say was nixon or fucking

reagan or carter

james brown just called

the office and was like we got a meeting i saw the

movie good hair

we got a meeting and he goes listen

i ain’t taking you to meet the president if your hair

relax he got his

hair done just like dude bro

way it was on the

movie good hair best fucking

movie i’ve seen

in the longest time

you cannot go through

tsa and not

guess if black

women have fucking weaves

it makes you reassess

black women entirely

oh that’s the best

movie so anyway

so they on her vert

i fucking i had

broken my ribs i got mauled by a bull

whoa whoa it’s online it’s online just type in

hurt burt rodeo

this is all from your show this

hurt bird this is one i did

right after the x show

where i met you like

10 years ago so

i stepped on

your foot and

it hit your side or something

broke my ribs and

broke my foot

so did this team

didn’t teach me a fucking

thing on the show

they just bring me in and go

so today you’re

gonna be a rodeo clown

i go what do i need to know and

they just stay away from the bowl and just let the bowl

loose put me in the makeup oh my and it just fucking

broke it just mauled me

and so you’re like you’re

alive man dude you have no fucking idea

you have no fucking idea

who’s responsible for this show

mark cronin

who is the producers mark cronin the guy who does

he did celebrities

on vh1 what year

was it like 90

2000 oh so they really weren’t

hip to how dangerous all this shit was it

was done through fox

and they were

literally like i remember them going

it’s simple we’ll just pay him as a contestant

and then we’ll give him the rest of his money

for being a producer

so i was covered

because you’re a contestant

technically i was like

a reality show contestant

so i was covered under that

insurance clause

and then i was just paid like the rest

80 of the money is a producer and

executive producer on the show

wow so but the idea was it was

you can’t sue yourself because you’re a producer

right it’s your idea

and it’s the most brilliant show that

never took off it

was jackass means

dirty jobs do you want to see it joe i

would go out

and i would

take dirty i

would take dangerous jobs for a day

so as a professional football player

mma fighter

hockey player

dominatrix guild did you actually have an mma fight

no i just fucking fought

three gracies at once oh

and they just

beat me up that way yeah so that was what i

watched that was

man that’s a

what is like

putting your fucking body on the line like that all the

time i was young and i was in and i just was like and

then that was the theme of

entertainment at the time

was that like

jackass i had done this ass wax in like

2000 that had

blown up before jackass

i did an ass wax it’s the funniest

thing i’ve ever done in my entire life

cause i swear to

god if you’re listening this thing just

type in bert hurt bert ass wax

and it’s longer

because that’s the way segments were made then

but it is the funniest

thing i’ve ever done in my

the funniest

wow like share got a hold of it and

started passing around to people

and like it got talk soup clip of the year

i know this

that’s the reason i’m not

fucking i literally

everything i’ve ever done is just kind of like fallen

it happened how

long is this clip

it’s too long

yeah yeah that’s wax but uh

so then then

and then we did the bull

thing i broke my ribs and so we had

to kind of stay in the city because i couldn’t really

travel and they’re like so

after you broke your ribs did you

they give you time off say okay heal up and then you go

right back at it they gave me

like two weeks

and then what yeah two weeks and then two weeks off

and you have broken ribs two weeks i just laid in bed

on bed rest didn’t do anything

right but you can’t just go back out with broken ribs

cause you can

they can fracture and become

embedded in your

organs or shit yeah we didn’t really

think a lot of this through

god damn dude

when i was a

football player we were doing helmet helmet contact

i basically shot a porn one day

when i was the

dominatrix camp

i basically shot a porn

really i mean i was

naked and this girl was just

fucking doing

everything she

could to my junk

like putting

weights on my balls and whoa and it was insane

it was insane

it was the wild west of reality television

because what was huge at the time is fear factor right

everyone’s eating shit and jumping out of shit and like

crazy and so

it was this next level

stuff where you didn’t know you

could just host something and be charming

and people would

stick around for that

you just had to take it to the next

level you had to fucking try to

bring it and you were competing with that

doggy dog like

jackass right

so what you got about

doggy dog i mean yeah it was like the craziest shit

so then the

opus not the opus but like the height of it was

towards them when they were like hey do you wanna

fight a bear

and i was like

i was like who does that for a living and they’re like

you do on thursday oh my god

sure enough man they just took me out and fucking

dude what was that like uh

terrifying cause

terrifying cause

you see the bear

he’s totally wild like he’s jumping up and down and

there’s like a crew there

and i gotten this

but this time

i realized i don’t have a really i don’t give a shit

about my safety

cause i’d already gotten fucked up by the bull

so what they’re looking for

is the end is to hurt bert bert to be hurt at the end

so um so then i mean it’s a

it’s a little bit

it’s a little bit of a bit it’s not a bit but it’s the

story is a story the

i get there and the

trainers like this how we’ll do it

take these and hands me five


he goes on the bears not looking

take a marshmallow and put it in your mouth

and then casually

walk in front of the bear

and show him the

marshmallow like hall

and allow the bear the

opportunity to engage you and take the

marshmallow out of your

mouth with his

mouth this way he’ll

learn to trust you

i’m like fuck that

wow like who needs that

trust well like

money from him oh my god

but you don’t know any better at the time i’m

twenty eight years old

maybe twenty nine

oh my god and and i did it and then

he goes all

right we’re ready

so that what the fuck was that like when that bear

tongued you

i felt like you were making out with a homeless person

like just fucking

bare lips look like a 17 foot

woman’s vagina

just going ear to ear on you just

and his giant

teeth and his giant

head and just tongue

right behind the margin of the fuck out what is it like

knowing that that bear went and killed somebody

after that i don’t know i

think it’s probably like the guys who

missed their flight on 9 11

like you don’t think

about it you don’t go like

cuz you i didn’t die so i’m like you’re the appetizer

yeah dude but yeah it’s the

i mean the entire

experience was like

terrifying we ended up

fighting and then they go so look if you’re in

trouble just say


because then that’s your safe word we’ll get you out

marshmallow yeah

and so that fucking far

beginning in the

fight i’m like fucking


marshmallow and there the bears just

throwing me around i’m like


and then the bear put my face in his chest

and i couldn’t breathe and then

and then he spun me

doggy style

and fucking had me in a bear hug

where you’re like

helpless and then i just

started looking at the crew and the

trainer and i’m like

marshmallow give me the fuck out of here


and the trainers like go

limp i’m like

please be talking to me right now

and not the bear

that’s a bear cock climbing


but yeah that’s the i mean

that’s technically

how it went down so they didn’t save you

no i went lip and slid out at the bear

and then the bear

ended up sitting on my face

and then my wife they

put a marshmallow in her

mouth and the bear got

off and then they pulled me away oh my god is that on

your wife you let your wife get kissed

in there i didn’t

after he was

still worked up like that

she never did it

and then i went in and cramed

lions that day

tamed four lions dude fucking washed an elephant

i mean literally what

wow herbert was the

probably the

greatest show no one ever saw

god damn dude you’re giving me anxiety

just listen to

these stories so why is it somebody with

such anxiety

it seems like you have a lot of

anxiety and

stuff that do all these

crazy shows

cause you also do a show

where you like ride the craziest roller

coasters and

you do all these intense

things but it seems like you

wouldn’t it seems like you

would be cooking shows or something i

don’t know i don’t know why they i don’t know how i got

these jobs like i just got them like

like i don’t

you know i don’t know i don’t know why they go to me i

think how did you get the

first one how

did you get

hurt bert i got her berks i did the ass wax and then

so the ass wax was for what the x show

it was for the x show yeah

okay now i remember the x show

now our funniest

fucking two minutes of

television when joe was on

cause gary valentine we all went into gary’s

green room me you and

kevin sussman

and jerry just such a man

and and we were talking and bullshitting

and one of the producers came in and they’re like

so here are the questions we’re

gonna ask joe and gary’s like fuck that

i’ve known joe forever we’re

gonna be fine we just

gonna go out there and

rift do you remember this at all

sort of so we go out it’s me and gary

and you and

you sit down and gary’s and gary was

i love him to like a brother but he was the

worst host in the world

the worst so he goes all

right welcome back

i got my buddy joe rogan i’ve

known joe forever how you doing joe and you’re like

like just like pretty good gary and he’s like

all right all

right yeah okay ha

ha he just locked

up and then i was like so joe you are doing the mma

thing now and you’re like yeah and he goes ha

joe you’ll always

been in that man you’ve always been into that

ha and it was so uncomfortable

they made us do it

again you don’t remember this at all

they made us do it

again so then they go

okay gary and he’s like

they gave him the questions and he’s like

don’t worry don’t

worry don’t

worry fuck don’t

worry don’t

worry fucking

worry i got this i got this

come on joe

we’ll just i’ll get you in one of your bits okay all

right hey we’re back

i’m here with joe rogan joe

i’ve no joe forever joe i

haven’t seen you in a

while and you’re like yeah he’s like

you’ve been

on the road and you’re like pretty much he’s like

great ha ha

ha ha and i’m fucking

laughing my

tits off next to gary and gary’s like ha

and then you’re like and they’re like take it

again and you’re like ask me

about this ask me

about that and carrie’s like yeah yeah

yeah that’s

where we’ll go that’s

where we’ll go

but it ended up being a problem dude i

completely forgot

about this until you

just brought it up

this is like an old

dusty memory i wouldn’t

see it i’m in the corner of an attic

right now with a

broom going is that what that is

let me clean that fucking get a

flashlight do you have a

flashlight it was

so completely

that would have been erased forever

if you gave me a piece of

paper and said describe your appearance on the x show

something really

crazy happened with gary valentine

i would have

never went on

that show don’t know what the fuck you’re talking

about that’s

crazy do you have a

is it that online anywhere no

those were the outtakes that they’ll

never use the x

show was like a maximum

they were trying to do

a maximum like maxim

magazine sort of a tv show

they were trying to do

a hot sexier man show

wasn’t the guy from studs

wasn’t he a part of that

marked carlo

yes he’s actually a really cool dude

do you remember studs no

studs was a show

that was the most

ridiculous dating show

like ever oh

yes and it was like the most arrogant guys and the most

it was like

one of the first looks into reality tv

probably we

did recognize it because

it was sort of a

you know a show

i mean it was like

you know it’s

a dating show

we didn’t recognize that it was reality tv

it was a yeah marked

carlo and then he got fired

that guy just him from like

the movie with

alicia silverstone

do you remember clueless

yeah he was the pretty boy

i don’t remember he

got fired and then john webber got

fired and me and gary valentin

got brought on

oh that’s right you guys came

in at the very end and we were and that’s how i met

stanhope because it was up between me gary valentine

doug stanhope and some guys

scott henry wow just

stick around in hollywood long enough man you have some

crazy stories that just accumulate

i remember i remember

going to the improv one time

and stanhope was on stage

and i don’t know if he saw me or if he didn’t but he

ended up doing like 15 minutes on me i’m

just making fun of like

but it was very

it was a show

what was it from the x

show the x show

and he goes he was just talking

about a shitty

show on television

that they give to a younger

comic cause he has some

heat generated behind him

and ooh that

sounds better what it’s like

but it was like it was really

funny it was murdering

and then i was in the back and i go

and i’m sitting

there like i wonder if he knows i’m here

and then and then

at the very end he’s like don’t get me

wrong burke kreiser

you’re a nice guy i’m sure

but i wanna see you one week in fucking iowa

when it’s snowing and you can’t

leave your hotel

and there’s only there’s only an

rbs to eat next door to you

and you gotta fucking

drink wine just to get through the and like does this

whole bit and

then i’m in the back i’m just like i’m fucking leaving

because i was like

so then so then cut to like

four years later

i’m in sacramento

soulless empty like

in the fucking taffy district or wherever

the fucking place is

and i’m just

empty and i’m

drinking a lot and i

email stanhope

and i’m like i wonder if i can

reach out to the duke

says comics are all like you know each

other right so i

email stanhope

and like 20 minutes

later i get a message back long

like a long like

oh welcome to the quickening

and then he just emailed me

now and then like how you doing baby girl

stan ho called me up the other day pie i drunk

called me in

like i tried to like i realized like

right when we started talking

you know he wanted to talk i wanted to

and he got an altercation when she named her off

low on the green room

paul prevents his

green room so i wanted to hear like his version up yeah

well i’m so totally this is junior

buffalo by the way are you really fucking so

it feels like it’s 1993

right oh my gosh she looks so good right now

go ahead for real

yeah stop drinking

is that what you’re into you into that look

no at all maybe i am i want tracy

lords in her prime or i’m going juni graffa whoa

tracy lords fuck definitely going to jingham

i would have agreed

chase tracy lords you don’t think it’s hot

no i don’t know

what is wrong i used to fuck blonde chicks all the time

she’s got brown hair

oh i thought she had blonde hair blonde

i didn’t even notice

how the fuck did you notice

wait wait wait

so what happened was danhope into garoppolo okay

apparently garoppolo

on her first set

after 9 11 went on

stage at the

laugh stop in houston

and according to stanhope

what she said is that you you know everybody

should just back the fuck off and noam

chomsky should back the fuck off and

leave george bush

alone because this is obviously

a crazy situation and

you know and the guy’s doing the best he can and

stanhope was saying that he was very

disappointed because he went to see her

expecting some

really biting social commentary

stanhope was doing this bit

about 9 11 that

he was really

sticking his neck out there

he was like you know

where was i

guess your god takes tuesday off you

know he was doing this

thing about all

these people like praying for god and how

this came through

in spite of

all these people there were

this religious fervor

and this big like

anti warp thing that he was working on

and you know he

was really into it and so when he went and saw a grin

at jeannie garoffel and she’s like

saying you know give george bush a break

like that always nodded him

so he brought it up on the show

apparently fucking love doug

stan i talked to

jamie kilstein and kilstein saw it and

he gave me his version of it and i talked to doug and

i got this fucking version

you know doug gave me the the

drunk man version he was hammered when i talk to him

it was a really

crazy conversation because doug and i

we have these conversations

where you know it

will like like

we’ll talk like

every few months

and it’s like okay

where you at

what are you

thinking about

and then when we’re talking it’s like you know this

doesn’t make

sense and that

doesn’t make

sense and then what happens and

you know what’s the

point in even concentrating on any of this

right exactly i’m there too

yeah and we’ll have like these

weird conversations you know we’re just trying to like

how much have

you been trying to figure out in life in the last

three months

since we last talked and then we try to figure out

if either one of us has

come to any

conclusions that make you happy

and in the middle of this he goes

is there anything

is there anything that gives you hope

is there anything that gives you hope

i was just sitting there listening

going wow what a strange conversation i’m sober

completely sober

he’s fucked up

drunk and he’s

going to is there anything that gives you hope

maybe he’s thinking of a tagline for himself

you should have said the flashlight

yeah that bucket

gives me hope 15 off

now go on our website now

what was um like it’s

his version of it

i mean he just was relaying exactly what he saw and he

thought it was

disappointing that she didn’t take a stand

and he’s not attacking

or he’s just telling us yeah

but you know what

quite honestly

after 9 11 who

the fuck knew exactly what happened and who knows still

you know i have a real

issue with people that want to argue

about 9 11 and

fucking inside job or

you know just know

where the government

would have done that either

argument where you’re so goddamn sure

you know that

whole thing is just

a bunch of puzzles there’s a

bunch i watched that

jesse ventura show

and i don’t know if he’s telling the

truth or if it’s real

but if it is real

what he said

that conspiracy show is fucking terrifying

that donald rumsfeld had a

press conference the day before the 9 11 attacks

where they said that some insane amount of

money in the

trillions was missing and they couldn’t account for it

and they were working on it

and then the next day the pentagon gets hit in the

exact same spot

where the accounting offices are

where all that information was stored

that’s what got hit in a pentagon

and they’re talking

about trillions of dollars that were unaccounted for

i see i have no

understanding of that

you know it’s so abstract to me

first of all when you

start talking

about trillions of dollars

i can’t even wrap

my head around that i don’t even know what that means

and then when

you tell me that the

money was unaccounted for

and they smashed this

plane into the

exact or missile if you listen to some people

into the exact offices

what does that mean now

they didn’t have a backup somewhere they didn’t back

their shit up online all that

money i don’t know what happened to that money so

if you don’t know what happened to that

money then this conversation’s over cause

we can’t talk

until we have any information

but there’s so many different things

about 9 11 that

make you go why did that happen why did this happen

what the fuck happened in that tower 7

you can’t say one way or the

other you can’t say that they did do it

you know that the united

states government was involved and you can’t say they

weren’t involved

you got to look at it and go what did happen

you would have to go back in time and

watch it all

trans you would

have to watch

every single aspect of it play out in

front of your own eyes to really be

truly sure yeah

i believe in some conspiracy

i like believe

that the flight 800 conspiracy

that terrace

got shot by a missile

shot by a missile and then

clinton just pimped it and was like it blew

out and it blew up in the middle of the fucking ocean

and clinton’s like no that was a wiring thing

yeah fuck you and all your

tries that they

would never yeah if there was a way to

avoid telling people that are a terrorist attack and

blown up that you can affect us yeah

they do an rp

yeah for sure they

would hide that information they

would say well

there’s an engine malfunction and that’s it

you know if they

could find a way to

avoid any sort

of information getting out like that because

first of all

people are going to freak out

about something that

most likely with 300 million people in this country

most likely is not

going to affect you

it’s an isolated

incidents and by the way we’re immune to

those isolated instances

but they happen

every fucking day all over the

world in these

places where we’re supposed to be liberating

i mean in iraq fucking

buildings just get hit by missiles whoopsies

we didn’t mean to

shoot this building but we did

sorry everyone who died

i mean that shit is commonplace

outside of the world

but if the united

states government

can keep us from recognizing that and just

they would do it

i think they

would do it do it do it and they

would think they were doing us a

favor no what

standup standup

standup like

these days it’s

angry and dark and

twisted and

you know resolved

i wanna do i

wanna do a show

fuck that’s what it is i

wanna do a show called

comedy intervention

will you take a guy like stanhope and go

look here’s what we’re

gonna do okay

we’re gonna we’re gonna

have like eight

comics that he likes we’re

gonna go through

we’re gonna make you one hour special

that you can sell on dvd it’s

gonna be clean

and you’re gonna sell make

twenty million dollars

and then you

can do whatever you want and you can have a

trust fund for the rest of your fucking life

cause i bet if he

spent some time just

going through what

what would be

brian regan’s set list

i bet his fucking

like if he had a kid

all this like this when you had your kids

did your did your

like you do you for the

first when you

first do you go fuck

i’m noticing a lot of the shit everyone else noticed

but then no i didn’t think that

i mean there’s

definitely gonna be

things that you notice that

other people have already talked

about but i just

till his day

still like when i had a little conversation with my

daughter this morning and it’s like i’m on drugs

you had a conversation with your dog

daughter oh my god

i’m like fucking

those commercials

i had a conversation with my

daughter this morning i went to the

the store and i got bagels she loves

she loves locks you know like

salmon yeah

and so we’re eating bagels and locks

and i’m having this little conversation with her

she’s like i love

salmon it’s so yummy

is it really yummy it is okay

i would like some more

and we’re having this little

conversation i’m look at this incredibly cute little

two and a half

year old person who’s talking to me that i am

just i love more than anybody i’ve ever

loved ever and i’m having this

weird little conversation with her

about salmon

like do you want some more

daddy i want some more i am not

quite filled up

and she starts

laughing and she

rubs her tummy

and then i gave

her some more and she was like delicious

and she tries to make me laugh and

it’s like it’s surreal it

doesn’t even seem real

i always explain children

to people who

don’t have children i’m like it’s just like mushrooms

if you haven’t done mushrooms

you really don’t know what the fuck you’re talking

about you can’t say

you know that

doesn’t do any good for you that’s just an escape

if you’ve done it if you’ve done it and you have that

opinion then i

would like to talk to you

about it because i

think it’s strange that you

would have that

opinion if you’ve actually done mushrooms the same

thing with children you know people say you know

you know yeah it’s just a fucking just a

bunch of fucking

cells and you know no big deal man get over it

you say that but it’s love

it’s love in the purest form and

most of the time you’re

dealing with douchebags in life and it’s very difficult

to be open and loving all the time and to really

just put out only

positive energy or you feel like people walk over you

experiences with

that you had when you were growing up getting

bullied and i had and everybody has

you know it’s

very difficult to like put out love like that so

it’s easy to dismiss it when you have

an absolute pure form of love

for like a baby that you’re raising

people who don’t have them don’t

understand it’s like being a born

again christian

sort of i guess

like there’s been

and you almost

like you almost have this look to your friends like

right don’t

don’t worry

when you get

saved you’ll figure it out

i’ll sort of but it’s also

tremendous responsibility

where i just felt like

a massive growth

and maturity and you know and

pragmatic way of looking at

things just just kicked into like

seven gears higher

yeah you know i

started working harder i

started you know being

focusing more on certain

shit it’s like

you know it’s it’s an


stage i really believe that just like you know when

a healthy bird

leaves the nest

you know you talk to kids that are like 30 that

still live at

home they’re fucked up you know there’s something

wrong with them

they never really went out and did

their own shed and they

never really became

adults they’re stuck in

this salamander

stage where they

never quite

blossomed into the

mature animal

and so when

i see that you know i just

i think that

having children

is another stage like that i’m not saying that everyone

should have children

oh i don’t think

no definitely not or that having children

is going to

definitely evolve

you or that

you need to do it to evolve i’m not saying that

some people end up drowning

their kids in a tub fuck yeah they do yeah there’s some

crazy assholes out there and

not only that sometimes they get involved with someone

who’s like really


to you but you like to fuck them and all of a

sudden you have

a baby with that person and now you have this

incredibly chaotic relationship

where they try to keep the baby from you

to manipulate you and

you know things can get really ugly but

for me at least

i think having having a

child kicked my my just my

whole being into another level no

i went from being

a guy who hung out at the hollywood improv drinking

until the bar closed to

literally the week

my daughter was born

being on the road

every single fucking week

like taking

feature sets for no

money like just

cause i knew that i’d get better and better

and like really ambitious just horrifically and now i’m

now i’m on the

place i think i’m

traveling like 50 weeks this year just

bring your kids with your wife with you and your kid

yeah i’m gonna take them

i’m going to

doing a trip to indianapolis arizona and then cancun

but it’s for the

burke the conqueror

so we’ll go to like the

greatest theme park so i’ll take them oh that’s

great and we’ll take them we’ll just

spend the day at

a theme park and they and they are have like an escort

and they can just go do whatever they want so now

it’s turning out i

think this summer we’re

gonna do it pretty heavily

has there been any of

these rides that were the

worst like what’s the most craziest one you went to

i think the stratosphere

really fucked my head up las vegas

man i was like

bad the night before i was

throwing up in a bathtub

and like called

my wife and told her i was running the desert

and was like i’m fucking out i’m not don’t i’m

gonna get sued for this

production cost because i’m not

gonna do it

but don’t tell you were that scared of it

after you’ve been on a bowl

or after you’ve been attacked by a

you know heights

man heights

is a different

thing man heights

it shuts your brain

look at your fingers you’re moving so fast and

everything like as i’m talking

about i’m getting my ass just started

sweating really like the

second i talk

about it cause you get you it

knocks your stomach out i mean i can’t even look at the

videos online of people

unlike those russian kids

climbing on the

tower we talked

about that cause i

fucking my asshole starts

tingling oh my god so hard to

watch i told the

i told the man my wife’s like just tell the producers

you can’t do it

and just be a man about it

so i called this

guy dan adler that morning and i was like and i hadn’t

slept and i’ve been

drinking and it was in bad

scene i was a

wreck i was a real fucking like wreck

and i was like dude i can’t do it it’s not

gonna happen today

and he was like

that’s fine that’s totally cool i get that

but here’s the deal if you’re not

gonna do it i need you

to not do it

on the edge of the building

like i need you to get all the way to that moment

and then back off

wow and i was

like and he goes and you do not have to do it

but i can make a show

out of that

i can’t make a show if you just go i’m not doing it

so i was like okay

so i went through the

whole thing did the

training got the jumpsuit on did all my interviews

got up to the top

started doing my reads

and my cameraman this guy

scott sands

is hanging off the

building literally

tethered in and hanging off the

building with a camera

fearless motherfucker this guy

fucking loves that shit

and he’s videotaping my he’s taping my reads

and i’m on the edge and i’m fucking my

i’ve pissed my

pants a little bit

at this moment

like it’s just bad it’s a bad

scene and scott

starts laughing

and i go what

and he’s like you know there’s

like 400 people at the bottom waiting for you to jump

and i was like and he’s like there’s like 200

behind you right now

he was dude

it’s gonna be much easier to jump than to tell

600 people and the

mayor who’s waiting for you with a shot of tequila

that you’re not jumping so i was the

first person to the

mayor was waiting for you with a shot of

tequila i was the

first person to jump on the ride i was

the first guy to do it

so i was like shit he was like i just jump in

16 seconds and then it’ll be over

16 seconds is so long it’s a fucking free fall for 16

seconds 16 seconds 16

seconds this is your

free fall you just jumped

right now and

right now you’re going

right now you’re

thinking oh the ride works

but then you’re

thinking man now you’re really

freaking high

fuck out this

is really fucking

high bottom like

and you’re looking at a

target below

oh my god still not even time you’re

about eight

stage stories

and right now your time you’re 40 stories away you

still haven’t landed

did you shit yourself

did you shit yourself or anything so what is

this explain the ride to me

cause i don’t know it

it’s controlled descent so

they took you in

on a seven point harness

and with basically a big fishing reel

and so you jump

and you fall and that tether

make sure you don’t run into the

building or like

swing out it

basically keeps

you in one kind of area so you can land on the

target yeah but what if it gets

windy i mean

that it was very

windy my day as a matter of fact

they do it by

gusts so it’s

gusts of like 45

miles per hour

so it’s a windometer so anytime a wind

gust hits 45 miles

an hour they shut the ride down for 15 minutes

and then they wait for the wind

gusts to go back down

and my day they were just peaking but they were like

they had fucking

100 people waiting

to do it and they needed to open the ride

and you can see that they’re just like oh

my ignore it ignore

it ignore it

so then i’m just a fucking

and i’ve got my producer

lonnie is like

in the background with my

script going like

i need you to say

i’m here in las

vegas on the top of the strip

and i’m like

and i just start

going fuck you lonnie fuck you

fuck you you can fuck yourself i’m fucking jumping

right now and she’s like bird don’t jump and i’m like

fuck everyone i’m fucking jumping and now i know

they can’t use any of acts you can’t use cursing

right and so then

i’m like and then i’m like

calm down i’m like

okay seriously i’m

gonna jump okay here we

just and they just use that me jumping so then we do it

i land i have a religious moment i

start crying

i take a shot and i’m just like i’m alive

there’s no better feeling in the world

than surviving

a fucking 110

story jump a

hundred ten

stories fuck dude

a hundred ten stories is the height of the sears tower

think about

standing on the edge of the sears tower

and then i get

down i do it i’m like fuck and they’re like

they’re like can you do it

again and i was like no i’m not i’m done

so then like two weeks

later they’re

like listen we didn’t get any of your fucking reads

i was like what

and then like we can get any

breeds we need to send you back to

vegas to like

do pickups because

there’s a lot of

shit because you were so fucked up that we didn’t get

so i was like okay

so they we have to reshoot the episode but we’re just

basically everything but the jump

everything but the jump is what they’re telling me

let me get up to the top oh

i know where this is

going and they’re like and my buddy

scott sands goes look dude

i put in for like a fucking

hundred and twenty

thousand dollar lens

i’m gonna sit a mile from you but i’m gonna

shoot you from a mile

and if you jump

it’s gonna look sick

and i was like

it’s kind of

not jumping and he goes i’m just saying man

it’s your show do you want to get picked up for a

second season

it’s gonna look sick

so then i was like fuck so i get up to

the top and i know i’m not jumping i’m no not jumping

and i get to the top and i realize

standing on the edge

it’s easier to jump than to walk away from it

so i was like

fuck it and i just jumped

again had the same

religious a moment you

get down to the bottom it’s not religious it’s like a

spiritual awakening

where you’re like

i’m fucking

alive my i’m

gonna hug my kids like

oh they just called they called me

two weeks ago and they’re like

the navajo bridge in arizona

they want me to jump off it

and do a bungee jump it’s like five hundred feet

pretty gangster for a

bungee jump

dude five hundred

feet is really high free fall for four hundred

free fall bungee

style so i’m looking for take

probably play

eight seconds

and the real pimp part is

you don’t jump

four dudes lift you up like you’re on a boat

and they just

throw you off

oh my god so you’re fucking you feel out of control

and i’m looking for a

celebrity to do it with

cause i don’t

wanna do it by myself joe

get the fuck out of here

straighten your back up

right away yeah no i’m fine man you

never do that no

really not into that

not into that

i’m not either but

like i’m doing right into

tricking my brain into

thinking i’m almost

dying i get it

i get it looks like fun

i don’t need that kind of stress in my life

it’s all my life’s filled with right now

crazy man there’s not

even that much

money like it’s

like well is it

helping your gigs though

should be helping yeah yeah i sold out

five shows in dc this week

and like it’s but

it’s family friendly audiences oh no so

you just have to

train them to

watch what you

watch you did

it well that’s something you were saying too yeah

that’s what you’re saying

when you were talking

about comedy intervention like getting someone

and taking someone and making them

super clean and realizing there’s so much

money out there in that but

i couldn’t do it clean

yeah and the galaxy

and hope couldn’t do it either it

wouldn’t be fun anymore it

wouldn’t be the same

thing it would be all of a

sudden there’s a job that you can do

where you can make

money but you’re not

gonna be really doing

stand up anymore you’re not

gonna be doing what

like your brain won’t be

thinking the way it normally

thinks when you’re on stage

or i feel like my

brain is just juggling thoughts to me like

oh this would be good

i can’t do that if you’re

saying no can’t go there no can’t

go here no can’t say that be careful when you say this

don’t want to offend any sponsors

so when you do

stand up now

when you were

saying that you get them to like what you like

you know i get them to know what you do

i start i start

about my kids

like i’ll start

that mean they’re not good

they’re not by any stretch of the means

clean jokes one joke’s

about my daughter

my daughter’s in a room

my youngest

was fingering her ass and putting it in the dog’s mouth

and so they finger their assholes all the time it’s so

disturbing stop she’s like she’ll be talking to me

about like playing on the

swings and she’s just digging in her vagina

yeah just fingers in her vagina

so maybe we can go on a

swing what do you think maybe we can do that oh wait

maybe you can stop

thinking yourself when you’re talking to your dad

no wait that fuck

but that joke when you do something

about your children fingering their ass yeah you

gotta be careful takes all the parents

that went to see a clean show

and put everyone at the same level and go oh that

shit does happen it does happen so then once their

brains get reset for that

then they go okay

all this shit does happen

he’s not being mean

i stopped doing racial jokes like

being heavy on racial jokes just cause i was like

i don’t fucking know

i don’t care like i don’t give a shit enough

about equality

to put my job on the line

to try to make everyone even

like i’ll get in tonight if it’s in all

black room where i just do black jokes

but not mean but just what i do black jokes

right but um

and then you

do that once you do that you have a fucking

power of attorney to do

anything cause even the

clean people go my kids finger

their ass too

right right right

and then and then

and then i talked to the audience

but when you were saying that you used to do

racist jokes or racial jokes racial jokes you know

you and you stopped

doing them because they offended too many people no i

never got no one ever got offended

but i just noticed that i was

for one i was obsessing on it

i would write i

could write

all day long i can

write jokes

about black people

i mean if you sit me i

swear to god

if you put me in a room with a

black audience

all i’ll do is talk

about black people

all i’ll do

and like now the dirty the

only the furthest i go is i have a joke about

just i go i

think it’s racist that they don’t make

black baby powder

like i just

think that from a company

named johnson and johnson they

would have thought of that by now

that’s pretty

funny and then they go you know

that’s how i’m

gonna make a million dollars i’m

gonna make black baby powder

and then and then

i’ll call it

magic johnson

and johnson’s so then

one night this is

great one night this

black dude sits up in an audience in

miami goes hey


when you get done your little joke

about black baby powder i’ll tell you i don’t make shit

and so i was like

i’m think i’m done with the joke now like

what why don’t they make it and he goes

we don’t have

a problem with moisture the way you guys do

goes every time i hug a

white guy is like hugging a dolphin he goes

black people have a problem retaining moisture

so they have a problem

getting ashy

so they have to always stay moist

whereas white people are constantly fucking moist

whoa and so he’s like they just

never needed

black baby powder

black people don’t use

you and i was like but it was awesome

it was like a

great moment i love

dude if i could

if i had a videotape of

every experience i’ve had with

black people in an audience

i would be the most

famous comic in the

world i’ve had

black dudes get on

stage in miami

right real shit

fucking three gangsters in the

front row true

story all my children

fucking they’re ruining the

show for everyone and i go up and i just talk to them

one dude gets up on

stage halfway

through my set

and he’s like

this is a real


he’s keeping a real real talk

right now real talk

you know real

motherfuckers getting the

three o five

and he drops his

pants and shows his dick

place goes bananas

right they’re like

oh and it’s a the biggest

blackest it’s almost purple it’s so

black like but it’s

huge it’s huge

and i’m like that is real that is fucking real and then

how big is this

fucking monster

nine inches and it’s a it’s a it’s a shower it’s like a

thick it’s thick

thick and uncircumcised i’m just looking at it like

holy shit so then

i go i go man that’s fucking

his name was ray

i don’t know why i remember that but i’m like ray

i go i think you

might want to get off

stage cause

i can guarantee you they’re calling the cops right now

and i don’t

want you to go to jail for just showing your dick

he’s like i

appreciate that good looking out and then he

puts his pants on

and leaves so then i go

man how do you follow that

another gang banger

stands up gets on

stage i go please tell me we’re seeing another cock

right now pulls his

pants down bucket

just as big but

lighter like a

lighter brown

and i’m like holy shit

i’m like and i was like you

might wanna go

catch up with

breaks i guarantee they’re calling the cops now

so they’re sitting with i

swear to all my children

they’re sitting with

a hairless albino

okay and i said

and now and now the the

crowd is like fucking in a fevered

pitch i go that’s

funny out of all the dicks i wanted to see it was yours

he stands up

gets on stage

takes his dick out and it looks like a lighthouse

just no grass

bright white

and they’re

flipping over fucking tables now

like fucking

going nuts and i was like

ladies and gentlemen that’s my show that’s the

perfect way to end

that’s my show damn

how do you follow

that you can’t follow that can’t follow it i

literally and i

white glow in the dark casper the

ghost dick always

it was beautiful and it was big

it was big i

swear to you was big and i was like

i was like fucking and then

and then they

all waited for me out at the bar and they were like

dude we’re taking you out and i was like i don’t think

this doesn’t end this way

but i was in my like i

wanna be david tell

phase hardcore

and i was like

i’m fucking

going out with

these guys this is what comedy’s

about us having this experience

i went in one time

to do radio in

miami’s my crazy club

i go in and i do

the fucking morning pimp show

and they happen to have this you do the improv in

miami all the time you like that i stop

going that place man but you can’t

you can’t because

you’re not you’re

famous so when

like some they no no

stop going away before i was

famous but that club

wants to get the best of you

like they want

to show you you’re wrong

no what happened with me was i was on

stage once and

i brought up a boxer i forget the boxer’s name

i think it was

oscar de la hoya

in one of my jokes

oh you a fight broke out

in the audience over you know you know no fuck off

the dealer finish gender

and kick his ass

and then dudes were

standing up and yelling at each

other and like an argument

broke out in the crowd

over like what boxer was the best boxer

yeah who would fuck who up and

i just stopped and i said i’m

never coming back here

if that’s just a bad audience so that

could have happened no

no no that’s very common

there no miami improv they

they lost control of that

place a long time ago they just

see another

they stopped gave away too many free tickets they

give away a

ton of free tickets if you’re

white because they can sell tickets to

black people

and then so one time i go to

the morning pimp show and they have this gang in there

called the zo

pound right

a real gang

real gang dude look it up there on gangland okay

these are all haitian


so they’re doing this

thing the song amazo

that’s the song

that they’re singing in studio and

now mind you i’m just doing

radio i’m doing press

like i’m just there to fuck around

but i know the one

thing i do in

these stations i

bring up all its keelin

and then i get everyone drunk

and then i just take my

shirt off and we go fucking

crazy when you

do press you always

bring in tequila

sometimes sometimes

i’ve done it before but i

think that’s more

cause i’m an alcoholic and not

like not for

but like i’ll get

drunk with you in the morning

and you’ll sell out the entire fucking weekend

that’s awesome all anyone’s

doing is driving to work wishing they were drinking

and then they hear you drinking

and all the rules go out the door and

every show lets you stay on

until fucking eleven

like you it’s the

it’s been like a little

trick i’ve done

wow but what do you feel

like for the rest of

today take a nap

take it take a nap

i look at you

when you go into a

radio i seen your

radios and you’ll come in high

high as fuck

and i’m like

how do you function for the rest of the day

i do but high

doesn’t kick your ass

see i smoke weed and then i go to the gym

it doesn’t doesn’t affect me

the same way i go

like if i’ll do like the morning

radio and i’ll

smoke some weed for the morning radio

yeah i’ll go to the gym

afterwards i’ll go lift weights i’ll run or i’ll

do the elliptical machine like it feels good i usually

yeah i don’t do that

drink man when i

drink i’m done the

next day i’m done i have a very long history with

drinking so

boo oh oh so the zo

pound yeah so

these guys are singing so we and

i’m doing shots kill in there and they call me cocaine

because i’m white

right and so then

so then i tell them

i go you guys can come to my show tonight if you want

and they’re like

oh we’re coming we’re coming we’re coming oh you’re

crazy so i’m like i’m like this will be fun

cause i just seen

these guys on gangland right

so they come to the show

and like 15 minutes in they walk on stage

like matt just deep

with the fucking bottle of

tequila and they’re like

we’re drinking this on

stage right now

and i’m like holy shit and dj laz comes up

and we all just fucking

dj laz dj laz you

say that like we’re supposed

to know who the fuck that guy is the biggest dj in

south florida for like

latinos yeah

okay but like and he’ll

like if you

if you’re a

white comic and you can get in

that room and do well you’ll sell out for the weekend

like you not sell out but you’ll doubt

not sell out and i’m

doing west palm this weekend

not this weekend next weekend

that is the

this we don’t

see yeah yeah yeah

they’re great yeah

they’re great guys

they’ll fucking

yeah i’ve done

their show many many times

those guys are really cool that’s a that’s a

great club and you probably

know johnny the guy that’s management now yeah i’ve

been to that club a long time ago back when it was a

smaller club

dude that’s your

market or two

those guys fucking like

those people

like when you get done a show you know who the big

comics are and

you know the ones that people don’t go cr

goodbye who

based on what

comics go so

do you know

guys like everyone always says do you know rogan

everyone always wants to know if you know dane cook

who do you know

who you hang out with in hollywood basically

and i’m always like yeah they’re all

great they’re all great

but do you ever talk shit

about anybody

oh yeah what

comics to talk shit

about i can’t say i can’t say

i can’t say

but i mean you

could probably

guess but yeah i

i talk shit

about i gotta stop

i gotta stop because there’s

comics i’ve talked shit

about a lot

a lot they just came up to

me and they’re like dude i’m a big fan i’m like oh me

too me too me too

it’s the worst feeling in the world

like you know ari is someone who i

initially did not like really

cause i met him one

night and he was just


but he was just ari he

wasn’t being


yeah and i wanted to meet him and then

he didn’t and then he walked away and then i was like

i was like oh fuck that guy

and then i saw

and then i saw his

amazing racist

and i was like

i saw a clip and i was wanted to hate it

i wanted to hate it

really and i

cause yeah that’s what i was coming to

yeah then i

watched it was the best

thing i said i don’t give a fuck

when i see that guy

again i’m gonna

make friends

with him yeah and i saw him at the improv one

night like right

after the shit went down with

um and see ya

and like you guys switched

and i was like dude i just

wanna tell you like i’m a big fan

like you make me

laugh a lot and then

ari’s just like

really thanks man

and we hung out and yeah

but if you tell people you like them

then they like you too yeah

a lot of times that’s all you have to fucking

do a lot of times yeah a lot of times comics are

standoffish with each

other because everyone is so competitive

yeah you know

especially early on

comics for some reason have this

weird thing where they

think that if someone else is being successful

that somehow another it keeps them from being

successful like

their success takes away from you like that

could have been yours or

something crazy

this weird illogical

connection that a lot of

comics make

and it almost happens with

every fucking

comic you meet

yeah why is that i don’t know i

think i know because

i’ll have arguments with

comics in my heads

i’ve had arguments with

fake arguments i had an argument with opie

from opie and anthony in my head

never met the guy in my entire life

that’s hilarious

but i love their show and i wanted to get on

their show to promote

things oh dude you’d be awesome on

their show and they

perfect for

their show they

never let me on like they’re always like no no

they still don’t let me

on still don’t let me on listen opie listens

to this show sometimes i guarantee you he’ll hear

about this from twitter

and he’ll have you on i had a

dream someone

cut up some clips of the funniest shit that he said and

he’ll be on

opie and anthony so here’s what happened i had a

dream last night that i could fly

and i flew into opie and anthony’s studio

and i was walking

around i was like oh shit fly through the air

yeah but there’s two without a

plane without a

plane i was flying

i was flying away

and it was in a tent it was in a tent

and i went in and they had

these gift bags and i was like oh

so i opened one up and i was

stealing one i was like

i wanna get one of

these i love opie and anthony this

would be awesome

and it was an opie and anthony scarf

so i pulled it out and i went oh fuck

i can’t use an opium anthony

scarf cause i

never wanna know

i got it from

here and then they’ll be like we didn’t give it to you

so i put it back

and then i left i flew away

and then as i was

hovering above

their tent when they were doing

their show op

came in and said

who stole this fucking scarp

and i was like

you know what if i man up to this and tell them

norton will have my back so i go in

and i go in and i’m like

listen i’m the one who opened that i didn’t steal it

norton was in there

and i’ll be like who the fuck are you and he

basically in my dream

my brain told me everything

about me that i think

like all the horrible shit

so now i’m pissed off at opie

for fucking saying that to me

so i start getting in a

fight with him and then i wake up

right and then i

literally laid in bed arguing with opie

never met him i listen to his show

every day i’m the biggest fucking fan so you

would like you were

preparing yourself in case you in case i go in and he

literally does the you

know typical opie

throw a chess set at me

like fucks with me ruins me

tries to make me look like a fool

he doesn’t really do that to

comics though

he only does that

he did he used to i

think they used to a lot really

yeah they did it to the guy that killed himself

who the one of

the guy in the bathtub that

oh richard jenny they really did it to richard

jenny no yeah

really yeah they made him like

stand outside the

studio and they

wouldn’t let him in what

all radio show guys

would sell out

their mom for a bit

wow like if

they think they

could get a good

bit out of humiliating

me what happened

with the richard

jenny thing what was the

story i’m literally i probably

listen to every opening anthony

just back in the day they made him

sit outside

sit outside

the studio in the glass and

they made him do his interview from there

what like i

think do you

think he was in on it though

maybe that was no no

no no no i don’t

think they liked him

why i don’t know i don’t remember this whole

story i’m probably paraphrasing

in a way that makes it horrible

but he was a guy that had a

weird reputation though

jenny was a

troubled guy

brilliant comedian

though man i went to see him when i was an open micer

at a categorizing star in new york

and he really

influenced me a lot

early in my career to the

point where i caught myself a couple times on

stage when i was really

young when i was

sounding just like him when i was like boo i

gotta fucking make sure i don’t i mean i’m

sound like i’m ripping him off like i’m like

i’m imitating him you know

i think so many

comics do that oh he was so good man

when anyway i saw when i saw my

catch rising star

he influenced me so much

cause he just free balled he had so much material

he just went all over the

place that i

never seen anybody do that before

everybody that else that i had seen do sets

they always had like a sort of

an opening that they

would always do

and then have a middle part and then they

would have a closer

when i saw richard

jenny man i saw him a couple times in a row

and every time

i saw him he was doing like a different hour and a half

and i was i was like

super humbled he was so quick

that i remember hosting form of the hollywood improv

and i’m in the back

watching him and

you know you i’d come from new york so i was like

in my head i was like if i didn’t know you in new york

you’re not anything

basically i was

basically saying if you’re not

geraldo atel

hedberg in my head

right so um so

someone says he said something and now we’re

gonna go over there and look for this is

right after nine eleven

now they wanna tell us to

go over there and look for weapons of mass destruction

what a load of bullshit is that

you think they got them and some lady goes

they have nuclear weapons and he goes

listen you dumb whore

if they had them they

would have fucking

used them do you

think they’re holding back

and i was just on the

floor i was like what a

great perception

like would they

hold would they use them

right of course it

would have used them

yeah he was great

he was so prolific

and he was the best guy that i had ever seen at

really like

dragging the most out of a subject

like he would get on a subject and he

would fuck that subject up from all different angles

and right when he thought he was done he

would go deeper and then he

would go deeper and

it made me realize

like man that’s something that’s really

present in amateurish comics

where they will

touch on a subject and then immediately have a

quick joke and

then immediately go to another subject it’s me

well it’s everybody

in the beginning it’s me i’ve gotten so fucking lazy

it’s a bad thing man

you know it’s

you know it’s really

easy to do you know

especially when you get comfortable on

stage especially if you do a lot of ad libbing

yeah when you get a good ad libb you’re like well i was

genius keep that

as opposed to

looking for the better one but

jenny jenny

would take like

any subject whatever it was and just find all sorts of

angles with it he

never really got the credit i

think he deserved

it’s really

weird you know

i just think people didn’t

appreciate how good he was

no what was

your the east side comedy

club in new york in long island i saw him there too

and i remember

peter bales

who was the host

was just shaking

his head back and forth he’s like he did

three different

hours he did

three different shows and

three totally different

hours he didn’t repeat one joke once

i was influenced by attell

a massively

yeah because in new york

are you drinking too did that

oh no i was

saying no i was

i told you i came in yeah

explain that because this is a

crazy story you didn’t say this in the podcast yeah

i have when i was in 1997 rolling

stone magazine

wrote a six and a half

page article about me

calling me the number one

party animal in the country

this actually gets a little

weirder were you doing

stand up back then no just partying

just had a notorious

reputation of florida state

for being like

funny but being a wild

party animal

like what kind

of shit were you doing just fun shit like

i think loudest guy in the room shit

you know like i remember i used to

climb up on this

telephone pole outside the bars on tennessee street

there would be

500 people out there

and i just stand up and i go

everyone shut the fuck up and listen

if you wanna smoke weed

go to my house

and the cops are all sitting there

i have tons of weed

enough for everybody

and we’re all

gonna have a

blast and get high

if you know

where i live you’re invited if you don’t ask someone

just no one tell the fucking cops

and you have

literally five hundred people just giggling

at the idea that someone was offering them weed

in front of a cop’s face

and what are the cops saying when you do this

they would laugh too

like one time for

an election i got

naked for this election and just shit on a pizza box

and won the election

election for what for my fraternity i just got up naked

and shit on a

pizza box and then

everyone and then i

won and then i won

did you wipe

no i just shit

i just shit

i learned one very

important lesson when you go number two you also go one

cause i pissed

all over the feet on everyone that was sitting oh

no but you can’t stop it when you go to one two

and so i won the election so like all

these stories came out

and then rolling

stones like

let’s do a fucking let’s do an

article on him oh my god it gets crazier

ready sorry

you ready for the part that you go that you go bullshit

i would never say

bullshit i’ve

heard enough of your stories i’m not saying

bullshit so

oliver stone option the

rights to my life

and then from the article

so then i try to

stand up and i

moved to new york to

start to a stand up because i did it once and

in a tallass you

know we went

amazing i can offer my own morning show in


really yeah oliver

stone option

the rights in my life like i

start doing

stand up five

months later

will smith sees me do

stand up and i get a deal development deal with him

like right out the gates like bill burr style

like been doing

stand up for no time at all

development deal

based on the

article and that the fact that i

could competently do

stand up somewhat

and then the development deal falls

apart with oliver

stone all the guys that have submitted

their scripts

for oliver stone’s

movie about my life

then get their intellectual

property back

one of the guy takes

his movie changes my name

sells it to national lampoon

and it becomes a

movie van wilder

wow so theoretically and i say this theoretically

loosely i’ll

never be able to sue i’ll

never would sue i

never would sue

but i went into national lampoon and did

you remember

kevin couch

he used to have a show on national anthem

yeah on xm radio

yeah yeah and i told him i said

bring some execs in

i’ve always wanted to find out if this was true

so then he brought some

exacts in and i

start telling the stories like i am you

one of the guys fucking locks up like

hold on stop right now

what do you want what’s

going on here is just like an ambush

and i was like no i just want to be able to tell it

on radio and no i’m not

lying that’s all i care

about all i care

about is this

story being

like true right and and he was like

what do you want like your own

radio show i’m like

fine and then he’s like

we’ll do a show

partying with the original van wild are you happy

i was like yeah

and so then he was like pretty much

i was like so i can say it’s true

but you were

worried that you were

gonna sue them they were

worried i was

gonna sue them

cause we could well that

must mean you have a case

why don’t you just go fucking sue

those cunts barry

kat said to me one night papa

you can be one of two guys

you can be the guy that sues and

doesn’t work

or you can be the guy that

doesn’t sue and works

which one are you

and i was like i’m the one anything

barry katz would tell me to do i

would immediately

do the exact opposite

barry katz barry

katz was like

barry katz used to

drive a ferrari

while he owed

everyone money he looked like the grimace

and they’d sell a toy

grimace in a car

just a big head

sticking out of a tiny car he’s so crazy he

was like a big brother to me he was my manager for a

long time what happened you got rid of him you wised up

right yeah i do

it was like

he just wouldn’t he’s

never could get in

touch with him

you know so i just went to eleven comment

i want to rewatch fan wilder but it’s pretty crazy

i’ve never seen been wilder

this is what you do bro you find out what the fucking

statue of limitations is

get to a point

where you’re so talented you’re so

funny you cannot lose

you just have to keep

doing what you’re doing you cannot lose you’re a very

very entertaining dude

they can’t stop you so once you get to a certain

point and then

you go after them

get to a certain

point where you’re

embedded into the

zeitgeist i

was just looking for a reason to use the word

zeitgeist psych

ice very important i

show you my

range my range as a man

what is it it’s a strange conspiracy

movie that they’ve got

three episodes

now it’s actually the

cultural the idea of

the mind of

the culture

get into the consciousness of the culture

zeitgeist is like the mind

frame like how

where people’s heads are at right now

the zeitgeist

there was a new one that they just did recently i guess

top it’s a lot of it’s like nine eleven shit right

i tried to watch the

first incorrect shit

about certain things

about religion

i was like yeah

so and then you get

zeit guys debunked and

things get really

cloudy and people go online and debunk it and

who’s right who’s

wrong i don’t have time for the shit

yeah you know

but you should sue the fuck out of

those van wild

punks i’ll never i’ll

never sue them

how about i

pretend i’m you

for you do it and then just me

email address bro yeah

you can swim my pool anytime bro

come on bring your

daughters i

bring my daughters in a

heart little little

park out here my

daughters will

think they swim and they’re like

i can swim daddy and i love just that

first second

where they jump in and then sink

and then you save

their lives and you see

rescue in their eyes

i can’t swim

daddy wow um

i’m not into that

i’m into showing them how to swim no

in trying to

teach them how to swim be

like daddy yeah

throw them in like my

uncle johnny like

you go for it this is how you learn boy

i don’t know how i

learned how to swim that’s how they did it to us

they just do

us in fucking pools i can’t remember not knowing

how to swim i just always knew how to swim i went to

swimming lessons

i must really yeah

i just got thrown in a pool by my

uncle johnny

fucking uncle johnny

same dude whose son

fell down a flight of

stairs really same uncle

and northeast

baby that’s how they did it i was catholic

billy in a fucking pool

learn how to swim

yeah i grew up yeah

native american

style in jersey

and in boston

my formative years

that that northeast

sort of a mentality

there’s a there’s a

there’s a lot to that it

makes people like more

go getter you know it makes people more ambitious

yeah makes people more

the kind of

people that can button down and get shit done

you know there’s something

about california there’s something

about this weather

where it’s 85 degrees and in january

it just makes you weak

just makes you a soft little

bitch you know i

wrote this on

my twitter and i really believe this people need

visible nature to keep them humble

you need to see that snowstorm coming

where you know you can’t do shit

sit the fuck down

i hope you have logs to burn

cause you might need and the

power might be out for a week

yeah no one’s

going anywhere

and that quiet you don’t even know what

quiet is until

you get outside

in the middle of a

blizzard when the

blizzard’s over and


covered in snow

like three feet of snow in boston

i would go outside and

you could hear like

like the quiet has like a

sound to it

it’s like it’s

empty it’s like

you don’t hear anything the snow absorbs it all

and it’s almost like a fake

world like you go walking around and

everything is

white it’s like

i really feel

sorry for kids that don’t grow up with some snow

don’t get to

experience that and

those fucking

school days

when you get a day off and you go outside and


covered in snow

i never grew

up with snow at all the only problem with that is you

could die out there

fucking freeze to

death fall asleep

in a snowdrift and lose your foot did you hear

about this lady in toronto that happened last week

the coldest

night of the year

she apparently she had dementia and she froze to

death outside in a neighborhood

while she was

screaming for people to help her

shit yeah everyone

screaming she just died out there she

was apparently she was just a known nut

so like look at that

crazy broad

that’s why i don’t

drink in the snow

a lot of dudes fall asleep and lose a foot

lose a foot

everyone loses a fucking foot

so do you still

throw him down like hardcore

like you still

partying it like you were

or have you slowed down a little

i don’t know

i don’t know i’ve had a

major stretch

where i didn’t

drink at all

yeah did you feel different on

stage when you were sober oh i don’t

drink on stages

here’s the thing

let me rephrase that

cause everyone that’s listening and see me on

stage is like

hold on you fell off a

stage one night

like i’m falling off

stage twice

really hammered uh

kinda not really like i wasn’t that

drunk he just was bad footing

okay like once in tampa improv

and once in dc improv

but um but yeah here’s the

thing is i go up i drink

i will have a beer when i get on

stage i would

drink it fairly fast probably

to sell drinks throughout my show

and then i products

it and then people said you

did on purpose

yeah really like david

tell david tell

said to me one

night in miami

and probably said i was

featuring for him

he said two

things when you’re

featuring you

should write all the time you

should never go up and try to kill

you should be writing and writing

cause no one gives a shit about you

and then the

second thing he said is when you do get headlining

remember you are there to sell

drinks like as much as you

wanna do your art the more

drinks you sell the more appetizing you are to the club

and the club will

bring you back if your bar sales are high

doesn’t matter what your ticket

prices are whoa so i

literally just went on

stage and i remember

and attell would be like

he’d bring up

he wouldn’t even bring a

drink most times he’d

bring up like a

he’d have them since

i mean whatever

i won’t get behind that tells theories on

drinking on

stage or what

but i would just go up and

drink a beer

no but to figure

i mean complete what you were saying he

would bring up shots

i don’t know now he

doesn’t drink so i

guess you can say it yeah yeah

he’s pretty open

about it he wouldn’t

drink shots he

would drink it

would be like

coffee oh he

would fake it yeah

oh wow but he didn’t

drink now so i don’t

think he gives a shit

but he would tell me he’s like you

gotta be sober

man you’d be working up there

like that was to tell was

never a fucking

drunk on stage

right so but i

would go up and i

still i mean i can

drink a lot of beers

i can go up now and i’ll usually

what i’ll do is i’ll play a song that’s inspiring me

because i you know you get

bored doing a lot of road work

like one was the song alcohol

pussy and weed by the

mjb and eight ball

just fucking

great just first 30

seconds to the song

alcohol pussy and weed

alcohol pussy and weed

does that got you

fired up for a show and

it was also

cause i was having family friendly people come out

and it would set the stage

so then the

the second song i do is this song

by maxim ludwig

and the santa

fe 7 was really

great song and then

now i go out and listen to

black betty

by ram jam yeah

and then as the song plays i’ll

maybe fucking

throw off a

shirt pound a beer is

that that song

whoa black betty

and right now i

everyone in the crowds fucking pump it

and i’m like

everyone raise a beer we’re pounding a beer right now

and then the whole fucking room lifts a beer we

pound it and then

right there you just increased the entire barb stop

the bar bill for the club by

five how many dudes are gonna

slide in the trees on the way home though

my cousin fell down a flight of stairs

he was at that show oh that was the one yeah because

everyone sent shots and i like we’re talking like

like aggressive

what’s the most shots you ever drank on stage

oh i couldn’t even guess

couldn’t even maybe like

i don’t know take a guess

more than 10 oh yeah

more than 15

no no no probably

around 10 or 12 i’ve had a lot of shots on

stage before

but and those shows don’t

those shows are usually

more chaotic like

i had one in tampa recently this was like a really

great moment

where you’re just so

drunk you can’t function

so i bring i

bring a black guy on

stage and i do an

interview so let’s

bring a black guy

he shows his dude

that’s like a

great new closer for

you i bring a button it’s the best

it’s the best you

bring a black guy on

stage and then

one of two things

those happen either you say something totally hilarious

or all the white

people just applaud for whatever he says

right right oh

he’s an engineer yay

good for him

he’s not one of

the you know like that’s what happens

so i bring this

black guy on

stage and i’m like

and i tried to

guess what job he did and then

i used to have a

great one where i

bring a black guy a latino on

stage and i go

i’m gonna say

it the way i say it you say it the way you say it

and then i go i

would like to take you on a date

and then the

latino guy would be like

mummy mummy

mummy and then

and then the

black guy will be like can i play get some conversation

and then we do like a

bunch in the crowd

love dicks they were like

oh that’s right the

white guys nerdy and i always

close with all

right how about this one

i’d like to

apply for a home loan and i give it to the

black guy and he’s like oh

it was great it was

great so i bring this black on

stage in tampa and um

i said to him i go i’m at a loss we’re having a

great moment

making jokes

then you can

slide whatever jokes you do have in your pocket

into that moment

looks improv

place fucking flips out

right like i tell oh you

might be my

black friend

and he’s like oh you got a

black friend i’m like yeah his name’s imaginary

and so then just bam

right off the gates

so then so then i tell the

black guy go

what do you want to do and he goes let’s sing a song

i go really

he’s like yeah

i go okay i go what song do you want to sing he goes

journeys don’t stop believing

i was like all

right i go do you have that in the dj

booth so they

start playing it right

and so now it’s me and the

black guy singing don’t stop leaving

back and forth just a

small town girl

and he knows all the words and it’s killing

then i have my god the

music and the

whole crowd

starts singing

and it’s like

just this like

living in a

lonely world

and you can

literally we

would cut the

music and then

have it turn back on and everyone’s

right on time

and then at the end of the show it’s me and the

black guy no music

and the crowd

still singing and it’s like

do it soft and then you can hear

350 people go

just a small

like don’t stop

even and then i’m like dude is it in a mexican accent

and then the

whole crowds

don’t stop believing

and then the black

guys doing it one more time

shirts his shirts off right

and then the

whole crowd

sings i grab his

leather jacket

throw it on his

shoulders i’m like

we’re done and and

you just that moment you can never

recreate that

you can’t recapture it you can’t try to do it

again yeah that’s live professional

it’s just being in that moment

and being 10 shots in and going

i don’t fuck it yeah fuck it

this can’t end bad

but yeah those are

those moments and then

but here’s the problem then you get addicted to

those moments

and then you sometimes like

i got this like 90 year old

woman on stage

and we were dancing to alcohol

pussy and weed

and i’ve got her

pinned like

style like my

hands on the ground

my legs are up over her shoulders

and she’s just

going like this and

then you get addicted to that

and you want to create that and you stop doing stand up

she was doing that to you it’s online just type

your let her you

she was on top

of you and your legs were over her

shoulders it’s really hard to explain

okay i’ll see it i’ll look for it but it’s just type in

i want to hear more though just

tell me more

yeah so then

but you get addicted to

those moments

right cause then

then like what happens is like

you have the

story that maybe a

comic tells another comic

when bert was in miami

some three gang bangers show

their dick and then

other comments are like dude

i can’t wait to work with you i want to see you work

because i hear what you do and you’re like

and you’re like i don’t do that all the time but like

it does happen

then you feel pressure and then you go to a set at

the hollywood improv

and it’s just fucking

eight minutes of material and you’re like

that was uninspiring i mean don’t get me

wrong you have

those moments

where like like

those oh shit moments

where you just like this will

never fucking happen like this

again right and

those are moments too when you’re doing like an hour on

stage and they get

to know you and you’re really in the groove with the

crowd on it’s

a lot already best like this is and i give this to any

comic listening if you ever need to do this

because sometimes you get

you get that

reputation and then they go

you go to a club and they’re like listen we got a

marriage they want to propose on stage

we told them it was cool with you

listen it’s a shit dick moment

but here’s what you do

giving this to

every comic that wants to use it

it’s brilliant

it came in the moment i was had like four shots tequila

i had a guy one proposed to his

chick this is what you do

bring them both up on

stage to do a shot of tequila

okay the guy knows he’s

proposing you don’t

worry about that

get him on stage

and then you tell the girl we’re

gonna play a game

we’re gonna

blindfold you

and you’re gonna have to feel our

chests just our

chest and tell

which one’s your husband

and which one’s

me and then

she’s like okay so you

blindfold it right

then you tell the dude

now and so he gets on his knee with the ring

and then you just release the

blindfold dude

you wanna talk

about two hundred people like crying like

oh my god the perfect setup

and it’s such an easy way to get out of that

like cause a lot of times when you’re

young comic the manager just be like

they give me five hundred bucks

just make sure he proposes to her

so if your comic and you ever get

stuck in that situation

feel free to use it it’s how i did it

and it killed

there’s now

what do you do

after that though just get all fucking stage

someone playback you should

write a book called

bert kreischer

exit strategies

exit strategies

those are awesome man dude

thank you very much for coming on the show man you’re

fucking hilarious this is one of the most

fun podcasts i’ve ever had me too

knowing that you

enjoyed listening to it now you’re on it and

you probably made one of the best ones we’ve ever had

i won’t listen

to this one but i can’t wait i can’t wait

you can’t tell the

tracy morgans

morgan story i can tell

it of course please tell the

tracy morgan

story and we’re

gonna end on this

thanks to the

flashlight go to

joe rogan net

entering the

flashlight the

thing it’s like rogan is the code name and you get 15

off i’m in february 4th we’re at the

mandalay bay theatre

it’s me joey

diaz and ari shafir that’s like a

three headliner

combo there

and then next weekend not this

one coming out but next weekend i’m at the west palm

beach improv

the 28th 29th and 30th and that is also

with the young and talented ari shafir

so tell me what the fuck happened with

tracy morgan okay

i’ll preface

this i want to be safe and prefaces that my

buddy jay moore does tell us on

stage we have an

agreement he’s my friend he’s not a thief okay

i just want

i know that jay is concerned

about that but

he told me he’s not telling the

story anymore

and it did happen to me so

i mean this is a true

story this is a true

story it’s a true story

so i was a young

comic working

at the boston comedy club

work in the door in new york in new york a

village yeah i used to

party with all the

black comics

because they well

because i don’t

you like to yeah and so we

we used to have a good time and so then

one night tracy

morgan comes in this when he’s

starting to get back into

stand up after snl

so like when you were

young comic a new

celebrity came in you like had to see that shit

had to so i go in

and i watched

tracy said and it is not

we have nothing in common he’s doing

observational material

and his observational material is like

all right yeah okay okay

who remembers finger fucking by the handball courts

and i’m just like

and he thinks that’s a shared

experience like losing a sock in the dryer

right but like everyone

else and then he walks you through he’s like

you put that

bitch up against the wall just

pussy pop that bitch

wouldn’t even kiss a put your arm in your own stank

and now you have a visualization of like precious

getting boxed out at a handball court

making eye contact with passer by just getting her

pussy blown out by

tracy morgan oh

god but then

he comes off

stage and he’s like fucking yeah

i hit that man

i got this new

bit about my

dick being so pretty you can suck it with the lights on

which is a genius statement cause

i’ve never had a blowjob in the

light but he just didn’t word it right right

so my dick is so pretty you can suck it with the

lights on yes

so he so he goes

so then he goes hey you

wanna get high and i was like yeah and

cause i’m a

grown up and so

we walk around

the corner and he pulls out this rack of a joint

hands it to me hits it

that gives it to me i hit it and it

tastes like shit

it tastes like

sweat socks like

just just like

and i’m like what the fuck is this

and he’s like oh you

never smoked sherm before

and i was like what he’s like sharing baby

angel does pcb

you never smoked sherm before

and i’m like

you just gave me fucking pcb

like how did you know

who ever taught you how to get high

oh my god so i

panic bad like

hardcore anxiety tech i go back to the club

i go to this

older black

comic who was and

still is one of my good friends

and i go hey man

tracy just gave me pcp

he’s like oh

oh let me tell you something shorty

tracy doesn’t

smoke pcp he’s not he’s fucking with you

i was like what

he’s like he’s just smoking pot he’s

fucking with you though he’s just getting in your head

and i was like no i

smoke bcb i’m feeling

weird and he goes

whatever you do shorty

don’t go to your

house you hang out with us tonight so i’m like

alright so i do my set i bomb we all go out and tracy

is in downtown soho

like right on houston

right and he’s

in a club that is like one of

those railroad clubs

where it goes

all the way back you have to like walk down five

flight a flight of five

stairs to get two

and he’s in the back he’s been there like 20 minutes

and he is holding

court with his

shirt off okay

shirt off bottles of champagne

covering his

table there’s

other tables that have champagne on it

he’s buying it for them

i buy her a bottle of champagne

right now i got a pretty dick like just

eddie murphy gave me this whatever the fuck he’s saying

is like loud and boisterous

so i sit at the

table and i

think i’m on pcp

and i start

ordering heineken

separately from this

wreck of a bar tab he has

and so i’m getting heinekens and then the

whole night goes through it’s kind of an interesting

bizarre experience

but like two o’clock in the morning and

tracy and the waitress comes up she’s got the bill

and she puts it in

front of me

cause i’m in a

table with all

black dudes

so she thinks i’m their

agent or lawyer or

coach whatever i am

so she gives me the bill and i see it and i’m like

oh i can’t and

tracy morgan

flips out and he goes

oh what the fuck is that

that’s fucking racism

you give it to him

he works the goddamn door

he not knew i ain’t no make any

money i’m the rich

motherfucker in here i’m on tv

i’m the rich

motherfucker and he

flips bottle

of champagne table

upside down now the

woman’s like

um sir sir and he goes

hey and he takes his

shirt and throws it in her face

a bouncer comes up and he’s like

excuse me sir and tracy just

wham lays the

guy in the biggest

fight i’ve ever been in

just breaks out all over people are fighting

jumping and i

think i’m on pcp

so i walk out

on houston and i

start going this isn’t happening

this is imaginary this is not

real people are

flooding out left and right

and they’re like dude that shit’s going off

tracy’s got like four dudes on him

and i was like holy shit

a minute later the doors kick open

and tracy morgan

is launched

out of the club

by the back of his neck and the seat of his pants just

up onto the

street they put a

shirt on him no up on the street

shirtless laying at my feet

on the sidewalk

doors closed

second later

doors kick back open

and tracy’s

shirt comes out end over end

and lands on his head

and it’s silent and we’re looking at

tracy like fuck

this is crazy all of a

sudden he looks up

stands up takes his

shirt snaps and he goes

now that’s how you get out of paying a check

this guy’s crazy like a fox he’s

looking just walked on a six thousand dollar

bar holy shit

getting kicked out of the bar

but you really did that that’s all that’s

awesome i mean you ever have to pay for it whatever

no idea i never i

do here’s the

thing i was it

only met tracy once that was

you don’t hang out with the dude more than that

i would never

leave that guy side

thought it was

me hanging out with him all the time

especially if

i didn’t have kids i was just i was just like

jay used to

tell i was telling you jay used to tell that

story that had happened to me when we do

stand up and man like people

would be like get out of here but

like i don’t

no tracy and i

doubt he remembers the night

at all fuck

and i’m like

and you know how stories go in your head when you

start telling em a lot then you

shorten it and tighten it and watch it

and i’ve been telling that to

comics for like 12 years ever

since that happened

i was a stand up

stand up for like two months

that’s hilarious now you

weren’t on pcp you just thought you were i

wouldn’t know i don’t know i

was probably

strongweed probably

strongweed i

doubt tracy

smokes pcp i’ve

heard him on npr interviews saying

he’s never done drugs

and i can i mean i don’t know i’ve

never done drugs he said on

pcp something that you

would probably tell the person even if you were a pcp

user and i think here’s the

thing is tracy

tracy’s got that like

i would say

that like prison

mentality of like

he’d rather fuck with you than really fuck you up

right right like i

think you’d rather get in your head

then like fuck i don’t

think he’s a mere

mean spirited person

he’s just playing he’s just playing with you and then

and then i’m the one

white guy hanging out with all

black comics

and so then that’s

funny that he

thinks he’s on pcp

that’s a great

but the best

that’s a fucking fantastic

story dude that was

one of the funniest stories ever

next time i’ll tell you

about when i was in the russian mob and we

robbed a train

really it’s a true

story but i’m not

gonna tell it now

okay dude you’re coming back

again soon definitely

folks if you

wanna follow bert on twitter it’s b e r t

k r e i s c

c h e r follow him please

one of the fucking funniest guys we’ve ever had

thank you very much man that was so much fun i had a

blast and we will see you bitches on tuesday

holla at your boy

later love you

comments powered by Disqus