the joe rogan experience
the next evolution of the podcast is complete
ladies and gentlemen it feels like a fucking
radio station now
we got real
chairs instead of
those goofy couches we got rid of that shit
one of them is at ari’s
house the other one is in brian’s place
which by the way
he i think he wants it now so now i’m like want your
chair yeah why because
he said so what you do last night
i went over to joe’s helped him
hook up the
studio and he goes
yeah well i think i need to get to that chair
well it works out cause you can’t even fit that
chair anywhere in your house well i was thinking about
doing something like joe did pretty much taking out my
whole my office is just fucking
scary i can’t
even go in my office just too much shit so i
think i need to just
emptied the whole
thing out and
redo it from scratch
yeah i still need to redo this area back here
by the way bitches we are sponsored by the flashlight
holla at your boys at
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if you go to joe rogan
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you will get fifteen percent off
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it’s worth it all right
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and you could
shoot mad loads with this
thing i don’t know though if you’ve been
watching cops
some of these hookers are like 10
you know like
i mean they look like ten dollar hookers but it’s
still i don’t
think you want
to get a ten dollar hooker ever in life and allison now
speaking of ten dollar hookers
what the fuck did he say
no how rude
we’re here with allison
ladies jump allison i don’t even know your last name
allison shula
shula allison shula
i know her as alison rocks from twitter r o x
and she’s brian’s friend and she’s a
young and upcoming
stand up comedian
doing the fucking hollywood shuffle
out here making it happen
making it real
she’s a very cool
chick and she rides
motorcycles she’s fucking crazy
she’s a lokester
she’s she’s been brought into this
world to slap
brian into gear
slapman place
before we get
started with anything
entertaining
this weekend
ari and i are
gonna be at the west palm
beach improv
it’s the 28th 29th and 30th
and o’brien’s
gonna be there too
we’re gonna have a big party
and if you don’t get mad at
brian if he’s behind you making faces
while you’re taking
pictures with me
it’s just what he does
you did stop doing it
really you’d done it for
six years yeah six plus years and
maybe taken
150 000 pictures
right you really for real
might have taken
150 000 pictures if not more than that
think about all the ufc
all the comedy
shows for six years over and over and over
again hundreds
of people at
night yeah the
crazy buffets
if you have any of
these pictures
where can people send them
we should create a gmail
we had one on myspace for a while
did you end up deleting it no
i can’t i try to delete it it won’t let me
these fucks myspace are so
tricky they’re like yeah we’ll get back to you with an
email it’s like a girl that you can
never break up with
right i’ll call you back and then we’ll
break up the
bitch never calls you back you guys
should make a tab on your web page that just has
those photos like a
photo gallery
yeah we should totally
no they’re hilarious dude it’s you know what’s not
funny three of them you know what’s funny
three hundred thousand of them
that’s when it gets
funny it becomes hilarious
cause it was just
you just fucking committed to that shit for so long
like i would be like this guy’s a
monster he’s fucking
people give up on shit they have a
silly idea and they give up on it
brian will fucking ride that boat
right into the rocks running to the ground
he hits the
beach he’s still in the boat
boom and has to hit the rocks before he stops yeah
he he’s a he’s determined little fellow
it’s awesome gets
crazy ideas and his
well that’s why his
videos are so good
because if they if he wasn’t so determined
he wouldn’t keep going
you know he has like
all this cool
footage and he puts it together but that’s not enough
you know he always has to add like a million different
things and sound tweaks and
let’s go very
underappreciated
it’s like drive people with
motivation it’s
like really nice when you meet people like that
you gotta figure out a way to make
money off your fucking
video skills dude
cause i look at
other people’s
videos online and i look at your videos
dude you got some fucking mad
talent when it comes to
video editing the big problem though is that
when when i do it i do so many
layers and so many little
things that no one will ever know
right notice you know it’s just like in my head like
crazy person
so like if i were to ever do that like
do notice yeah i
guess there’s
a there’s a there’s a
artistic quality to
these videos it’s fun and makes it
it’s an extra
layer it’s like
it’s like the nuttiness and when you’re sipping wine
i taste oak
it squeezes the last
brain juice out of my
brain though and
after i do one of
those i just want to fucking
cry you don’t want to
do one a long time
i’ve been with brian
on both times of
where he’s kicked the
power to his computer
and lost his project yeah
cause the whole
thing shuts down
because my fucking
office sucks
cause you got numb
feet motherfucker
nobody walking
well yours is actually pretty good but like underneath
my desk it’s just
every single wire and the
power cord like
this is updated
is updated that’s
one of the reasons why i wanted to get
those chord
ties we got
chord we redid the whole
thing you don’t
give a fuck because you’re just listening
most of you
but for the longest time
i just figured well i’ll
make it look like a living room and we’ll sit around
and so i got couches but
couches fucking suck
you know like if you’re
sitting up and you’re trying to talk to people like
these are comfortable
way better this is way better so we got office chairs
we got a circular
snort cocaine off this
table totally
do that dude
we should start bad
habits i’ve been living my life good
for too long
time to start fucking up
i don’t know
about your cigarettes
you don’t know
about them yeah
i kind of want
to be like well like to go like yeah you know what i
think we’re
gonna have to do we’re
gonna have to get
those ones that you have like on the
radio like when you go to open anthony i
have like the arms
arm yeah we
gotta get an arm
yeah i have
those at my
house they always
break but i
think i got
cheap ones so
maybe they make better
one yeah we just got to talk to someone when we do
radio in west palm
will find out
where they buy their arms
can’t wait look it up
let me sleep it’s
gonna be fucking crazy
so please tell me
what you were telling me before we
started the podcast
where i made you stop because it was so ridiculous
we i we had to talk
about this in the air
what john travolta
oh john travolta
is starring
in the new gotti
movie he plays john gotti
as as the lead role
okay listen this had to have been
a plot by the government to what god is dead right
he died in prison didn’t he
i was like saying they’re
just trying to fuck with him they’re trying to kill him
while he’s in jail this is a
is he still alive
i don’t know
dude i remember when i was a kid
and this whole john gotti
thing was going down i
guess i wasn’t too kid like
i guess i was in my 20s when he was in his prime
and it was so weird
i was like i didn’t
understand it
it was like he was so mocking of the law enforcement
just walking down the
street with fucking
you know 10 000
north suits on and getting in the limousines
and it was like whoa
this guy doesn’t
he’s ridiculous i
watched a documentary on like history channel
that’s not how they’re supposed to do it
interesting the
whole thing
about the mob was that they were all like
on the dl like everybody was
like vincent the chin
gigante he’s a
famous mobster
you know one of the reasons why he’s famous
cause he pretended to be he was running
everything but he pretended to be
completely insane
cause he knew they were
after him so he
would walk around with
slippers on and a bathrobe over his clothes
and just walk down the
street and talk to himself and he
would do it all
fucking day
and it kept the police away
or people they
could he’s crazy
you can’t say he’s not crazy so
everything he says is fucking useless this guy’s nuts
does he or does he not
walk down the
street in his
underwear talking to himself all day long
every day yes your
honor he does but i don’t think that
there’s no more talking this guy walks in his
underwear well we
think he’s faking it how can you
prove and then everybody’s faking it
they just want free food
they just want free food in the bed there’s no
crazy people they’re just pretending to be
crazy so you take care of them
you know you can’t say that
you can’t judge whether not someone’s
crazy but whoever fucking thought that john travolta
should be john gotti
that motherfuckers
crazy that’s
funny though
it’s revenge from the government yeah that’s hilarious
and let’s see what who
could we make his son oh his son is being cast by uh
the guy justin bieber
james franco
what yeah who
also has some gaydar action
going on on his side
didn’t he play a gay
guy in that
movie yeah harvey mill
played it very well did he
well you know so did sean payne
he’s heterosexual i’m just kidding
that’s a trick
he hating no it is you hating
but it is true
your dna repulses you from the idea of kissing men
even if it’s for a fucking movie
you know it’s like
i got good news and bad news
okay hit me with the good news dude
you’re gonna be a fucking
movie star shut up for real
like a fucking
movie like who am i playing with
dude you’re playing with sean pen
shut the fuck up
i’m co star with sean pen
dude what’s up
well what’s up is he gets to fuck you in this movie
what’s up is you have to make out with sean penn
could you imagine
i always wanted to work with
sean penn he’s just a brilliant actor i always imagine
standing there
we’re with him at an award show
we’re both wearing suits and shit we
thank the academy we’re all respected and loved
and here this
motherfucker is
right there at the door
right at the gate
but now he’s
gonna make out
with sean penn
what would you do
i would not do it
i understand no i’m not interested in acting
acting to me it
would have to be something really fun
like i would love to play like wolverine
in an x men
movie you know
there wasn’t already a guy that played it like
if they offered me something like that i’d
to be wolverine
i’d get on roids to play wolverine
like i need to get yoked
you know but like
that would be a badass wolverine by the way that’d be
crazy i would love to do that
actually needs just
training to do what that wesley snipes
fight that never happened and you became a
crazy badass and i can’t even imagine like
throwing wolverine into the mix that
would have been so much fun that wesley snipes
thing obsessed me for like two
months i’m really
lucky that that didn’t happen
because if i went out
fighting him and liking it and keeping and then
10 years from now i’m
just fucking
completely gone yeah
forgetting where i
leave my keys
every five minutes
you know you’re not supposed to start
fighting when you’re like 43
where i was i was 36 then or 37 then
that’s crazy about this herschel
walker character you know herschel walker
football player you know the story behind this
sweat this this guy
this forty eight years old okay heisman
trophy winner
super athlete just a fucking
prime example of like perfect athleticism but
this was a long time ago a long long long time ago
and in this
whole time where he hasn’t been playing football
which has been a few years
he stayed in insane shape
i mean the guys like
super fucking dedicated to training
and now he’s like 48 years old
gonna be 49 soon and he’s fighting this weekend
on strike force on showtime
he’s become like an mma
fighter it’s kind of
but it’s okay because he can
still fight and all that but he’s just not
gonna repair as fast if
he’s amazing
amazing shape it just
doesn’t even make
sense there was no
forty eight year olds that were
built like that when i was a kid when you were forty
eight you were someone’s dad and maybe had like old man
strength in your arms but you probably had a pot belly
you know or at
least a little
bit of a gut and you know you’re probably
scary because you
would you know
you would you
would hit someone
first but no one looked like
fucking herschel
walker right
he doesn’t look
like an old man that you shouldn’t fuck with but
he looks like this
flex body or something she
looks ridiculous
full fucking
eight pack just
totally shredded not an
ounce of fat on his body
really and here’s the
crazy shit he says he only eats soup
and salad he has one meal a day
like everything
about this guy
screams that he’s a fucking
alien or bullshit yeah
he only eats
super salad
my ass that
doesn’t make any
sense it’s all
water soluble he’d be dying
he needs some meat
yeah what is
water soluble
like yeah you
would need protein
right right through yeah
salad right through you soup it’s liquid
you know yeah
what’s he doing that’s
crazy right
but why does he say that
well here’s the
other thing because he was that he blew up his game
that probably but well he’s obviously fucking insanely
dedicated but he
might be crazy
like for legit crazy
like he’s like had like a
bunch of mental
a bunch of mental health issues in the past
the point where he has like some sort of a
he has more
than one personality was that multiple personality
yeah yeah so
maybe the part that works out is different
than the part that talks and the part that talks
doesn’t get access to all the information
this guy right up my alley
it sounds like
every you’ve ever
dated period
it’s a funny
thing when you find yourself dating a
crazy person just to go some pussy
every guy’s done it allison
i think it goes both ways that
have my share crazies where
is it just to have a boyfriend like fuck it i just
know it’s like
where they are cool for six
months and then all of a
sudden it’s like what happened to you
they get comfortable with you and know
what doesn’t
freak you out so then they
start being
their weird ass selves
then you’re like
where did the cool person go that i started
going out with right
well there is some kind of game when you first
start dating
where you’re trying to be cooler than you
are and just like and it works for
a while with them and then you
start farting the key
in life is to become that person
you become that person
who when you
first meet somebody
you can it’s just
we get lazy
you know you really are that person at your very best
unless you’re just a complete sociopath and you’re
absolutely bullshitting about it
i fucking love dogs
meanwhile you’re
deathly allergic
you know you
could be one of
those nuts but if not
you know that’s what everybody
should aspire to
right you should aspire to be the person
that you pretend you are when you’re trying to get laid
yeah i could have took that
creamer in my coffee
but i said you know i’m allergic
to milk why
would you take
creamer nobody gives a shit of heat
creamer in your coffee or not it’s actually
more of a bold choice if you have no cream
whenever someone wants
black coffee i’m like you don’t even give a fuck
about flavor yeah
you’re so crazy i
started drinking coffee black
i’ve been trying to sneak
dairy into her
diet without her
knowing lately
cause she’s allergic to dairy
ladies and gentlemen
yeah well she has this
thing you know she’s like
if someone ever farted around me i
would just end that relationship i
wouldn’t matter
who would be and
stuff like that so now i’m like oh yeah
we can see what happens if you
start shitting yourself
yeah so what you were trying
to do is get her sick because she won’t let you fart in
front of her right
wow what a grown up
by the way that guy’s 36
you guys just said that
i’m kinda grown ass man
brian’s a grown ass man
i’m in over my head and he’s trying to get you to fart
i was just acting like that
crazy person
okay no i don’t
think they act out logically
yeah that’s
you had like a real
you had like a nice
route that’s premeditated yeah
i’m gonna jail for a lot longer
from that shit you
think yeah you gotta walk
around you know
where and pretend you’re crazy bill
i don’t even like milk
which illegal
you have to come up with
some reason for people to
think you’re
crazy no my mom
would ask me allison do you
think you’re
lactose intolerant or is it all in your head
i’m like why the fuck
would it be all in my head
doing that to myself
these people that believe that
everything’s all in your head all
allergies can be alleviated with no they can’t stupid
babies are allergic to peanuts
give them they die like
you’re not allowed to give
babies peanut butter
cause you have to
find out if they’re fucking allergic to peanuts right
how do you find out
huh you gotta find out
your milk thing happened
later in your life so is there
something that
broke your mail
your milk yeah
what was it you just had like
five cheese pizzas one
night or something i was 15 years old
and in the lunch line they had
these like cheese and egg
bagels that were so good
so i got one and i
ate it and i was supposed to meet this guy i had a
crush on after
school and i’m walking to his
house and halfway through i’m like
jesus christ
i can’t walk any for yeah
i’m like mom pick me up
cause i didn’t
drive yet so she picked me up i’m like
stop at that mcdonald’s
and she’s like what’s
going on like i don’t fucking know
the next day i tested it out
again she ran in the bathroom in the yeah
it was over
did you even
check to see if the toilet was clean
did you do some
sort of cleansing
it was a cleansing
fucking dirty
thing man when
you have to take a shit in a public toilet
just rub and
sweaty asses with some stranger and everybody
sweats on those
things man yeah seat cover
those seat covers are
stupid too then like
when you’re done with it and it kind of grabs onto the
water and flushes down with it you know
that little arm and
shit smeared all over them
they always look stupid
it never looks like it’s supposed to be that way
never looks neat and tidy
no so you go in there
blast out of your ass and then
did you not go to this guy’s
house no wow i
never knew what
could have happened you
crushed that man’s confidence
you could have
changed his
whole life so that
over and we actually
wound up dating though there
are high school
so that was the
thing though that
pushed it over the edge that was your last your first
and that ever since then
anything you or
maybe it was
just have you
tried just to eat a
pizza yeah i
could do with like lactose enzymes
which is like
the supplement like lactate or something and
eat pizza but if i have it without like five minutes
later so that just
gives your body
laugh that’s interesting have you ever
tried raw milk
no i’ve tried almond milk and all that
raw milk has
it’s not pasteurized or homogenized
so it’s got all the live
cultures in it and it’s
supposed to be much easier to digest yeah i’ve had it a
bunch of times at
whole foods but i don’t think they
carry it anymore i’m not
sure if they do but i couldn’t find it the other day
cause a lot of people
think it’s creepy
because like it’s you
know it’s just fucking running out of cow’s
tit and it’s
in like five days it’s terrible
and like the
first couple days is good but
it’s kinda not healthy that milk
it just sits in your fucking refrigerator for
two weeks and
doesn’t go bad
that seems like the
worst milk you could ever
drink though that seems like the most hardest core
milk ever okay i
watch dirty
jobs you know on
tv and they milk
yeah it is when they
milk the cow though a lot of the times they get feces
on their hands when they’re milk
and can’t be
scared of a little feces
i think a little
feces in your diet keeps you strong
you need to have battles we did to
set your immune system you know
like when you get a flu it’s good for your immune
system immune system fires up
and the next time the food comes around
the immune system is like not so fast
bitch that’s why i never get the flu shot you
gotta get a little poo
in your body get a little
poo in your body and then you
could fight off disease better
we had this
podcast last night the naughty show podcast
number two we had this porn star on and she was talking
about how she
right after
she was forget what it was she was getting fucked
in the ass or
something like that
and then she’s
never in life
should you ever be in a
position to be like i was getting fucked in the ass or
whatever her name’s
kelly devine you
should go look at her twitter
okay so you can get a better idea
of what she looks like and no one’s gonna follow
your twitter page than brie olsen
oh god brios’s twitter page
every day is about oh my god my
pussy sore i suck so much cock last night
i just like
every day it’s like more and more brutal
jeez what’s
crazy they fuck so much that a guy with a two inch dick
would make me feel like a
fucking a ten
incher like she said shit like that is that like her
tweets what’s
crazy is though
after he pulled out
her his dick got
a real ass yeah
after he pulled
out his dick out of her ass he puts it in her mouth and
she said it was just
with shit just
so much shit
that she you
know and then he fucked her in the
mouth and then in between
shoots she had to go to the bathroom and she said she
spent for like
15 minutes picking shit out from her teeth
and she didn’t have any like
toothpicks or
toothpicks so
she was like oh my
what did they pay you for that
oh my i think it was like she
ran her books from her own butt
from this guy’s dick
really i’ve
never seen that in a
movie but i’ve seen a lot of ask them out
and i’m always
i always have
the same reaction why yeah is that necessary
yeah do we really need to do this turn someone on
i asked him there’s a lot of people on
she’s fucking
dirty yeah and i
asked him does
it ever get better does it like turn into chocolate
after a while
where you’re just
like looking forward to some shit in your mouth you
know and she’s like they’re like no ever every
time how many times has she gotten shit in her
mouth well i
guess that’s pretty common when
you do a lot of ass to mouth
and but she
said that she was just saying this one time in my
god that is so
crazy you couldn’t pay me all the
money in the
world you know part of it is that
other girls are doing
it all you need is one girl to do it and it’s such a
weird thing
if one girl does porn
where she lets a guy piss in her mouth and
every girl’s gonna
start letting guys piss in
their mouths
it’s a weird
thing it’s like all of a
sudden that’s become
like yeah it
raises the bar and that becomes acceptable but
there was no ass to
mouth when i was a kid
no okay when you got a ginger lin
peter north porno
they had sex
the most he shot in her
mouth and was pretty hot
right but he didn’t
stick it in her ass and then put it in her
mouth but that’s like standard
today yeah that’s not even not anymore like that
just a load in an open
mouth it’s like oh not this
again i mean
literally you can go on like you jizz com
and look up loads in the
mouth and they’ll be like a fucking hundred thousand
videos of girls with
their mouths open and guys jerking off in
their mouth
she goes to this website you need to
check out cause
every time she’s on it
i’m just like wow that’s a cool
video but i have a feeling it’s one of
those websites
that everybody goes to and i was just the last to know
about it what’s it called
todaysbegthing com
i think i’ve
heard of that before it’s
great it’s just
every day they have this
crazy new videos and
stuff like yeah
like they have this one great idea
they have this one
video on there
right now is dueling cellos
i saw that on twitter but i didn’t
click the link
you gotta watch it
because it’s
like they’re trying to be really hard so say
what they’re
doing i’m doing cellos for the song
oh michael jackson’s oh beat it you know
no not really
no it’s the one that
the band also were saying yeah it’s beat it
are you sure no it’s not peter it’s not
no billy smooth criminal
yeah yeah so
we’re so white
so it’s um so they’re like like playing the cello
while they’re both looking at each
other and they’re
like trying to be hardcore and stuff and then it starts
going in the hips thing
yeah and just being real
like they’re
fighting but
they’re playing cellos and they’re staring it
it gets really gay
and then it turns
into them like in this
weird part where they’re like
wrestling in this bedroom or something like that
or in a bar
i don’t even know what it is a dark room but
the cellos are amazing yeah the cellos
are amazing do you
think that you can sell advertising
today if you have guys kissing
do you think you
could sell yeah sell
things yeah
you could you
could have girls kissing and you could
still sell a porsche
yeah you know but if you have
could you imagine
could you imagine if porsche just
like the new ceo just had this
wacky idea what i think we need to do is
capture the gay market we are missing the gay market
we’ll take chance the porsche name is so
in american culture
they love our cars
this guy just takes a wild chance so he’s just
gonna get that gay market too
and he just has two guys like making out in
front of a cayenne
just hands in the pockets and shit you know
tommy yo what the fuck
and everybody just abandons
them to audi fuck you bitches
fuck your stupid rear engine car
it would get so many complaints for like pta
mothers yeah but why
how come they
if it was a girl and a girl kissing
would that get complaints only from fat chicks
the only ones complaining yeah you know
a few fatties
taking their oversized hands to cover their
teenage son’s eyes
while he’s watching tv mom what the fuck
i would rather
see two girls kissing than two guys kissing that
of beautiful you know first two guys kissing to get
much more likely rape yeah
right i still
that is weird though
that two guys to me
still if they’re kissing right in front of me
as tolerable as i am i’m still kind of like
as tolerant as you are
i don’t know if you’re tolerable
that’s debatable god you’re so fool yourself
yeah this is a genetic
thing right
do you feel like it’s a genetic
thing well i guess
i’m not judgmental at all
i don’t have
any problem with anybody doing anything that
doesn’t hurt anybody else if you want to be gay
gay it doesn’t bother
me at all but it
weirds me out
when i’m around gay guys they’re making out
right i’ve been like as
close as you are to me
right and two
guys were were holding hands and then they just
moved in and
started kissing each
other into your bed no
closest you are to me outside and outside
and i remembered like distinctly saying okay
don’t panic
you know like my but i was like don’t
don’t get uncomfortable just move away slowly your
heart’s palpitating but you’re like whoa
they’re fucking making out right here
it’s so juvenile
it’s like i
completely support your
right to do it and i think
i look fucking sometimes it’s pretty gross when
when men and
women are doing it in public
you know there’s a lot of people that get fucking
sloppy make
out sessions in public and he gets pretty nasty yeah
i support that do that i don’t have a problem with that
i don’t have a problem with anybody doing it but you
gotta let gay people do it if straight people do it oh
absolutely i have nothing against it
it’s just i’m just saying it’s
weird that like i don’t
my mom likes two girls kissing
you know my mom
doesn’t care if two girls are kissing
what is your
feeling when you see two guys kissing i feel vulnerable
i feel like don’t try to kiss me
if they wouldn’t have nothing to do with me man
you know i’m totally not
the time it
doesn’t matter but it’s like
with a if you
know that you’re for sure around a guy who’s into guys
it’s like all the
sudden you are
in a completely different
like roll you know
you like you
could be pursued now
right you could be
pursued by a dude like no no no no no no no no
even though you know i
i know they don’t want
everything to do with me it
doesn’t matter i’ve seen
so like get the fuck away
yeah i’ve seen two guys kissing and i just kind of like
watched because i was like
that’s interesting it just looks different you know
like it’s looking
like an alien
yeah it’s like investigating it i wish i
would if i could be a neuter for a day
that’s how it feels
neutering people no like if i wasn’t a man
or a woman if i
could be sexless for a day
then i could probably
look at it like that and i do look at it like that like
from a scientific
point of view i’m like wow this is fascinating
like what is that
like that’s
their turn on like i don’t
understand like when girls
anytime a girl’s
ever been attracted to me i’ve always been like really
like what the fuck do you like you like
guys you know you like what do you like you know like
it’s ridiculous
like it doesn’t make any sense
you know for a man
it doesn’t make any
sense that women are attracted to men i
understand they do
i have a long
lifelong history of
experience of seeing
it seeing girls be attracted to men so i know it’s real
but i don’t get it
so when it’s a guy and a guy’s attracted to a guy
then it’s like whoa this is like
super alien
we just don’t know it something that we’ve never
lived or experienced
you know we’re
never gonna be able to
know what that feels and that’s
weird with like kids
that’s weird with like
guys that are into like fucking
horses and all that shit like
how do you get
that that’s even going
different that
fucking so your
brain just is broken
some people’s
brains just don’t work right
right they just i was
attacked by a man with a foot fetish at laguna beach
yeah tell him this
party i had to
call the cops and
everything i’m on the internet now
okay so anyway i’m at the
i’m at laguna
beach with an ex boyfriend and we’re smoking
some weed on the rocks looking at the ocean
this guy walks up
and he has a camera in his hands
and he’s like
i think your
styles really
cool and you’re really beautiful can take your
picture i’m a you know
photography student
i’m like okay
sounds good
like you mind if i
smoke weed he’s like no so i keep smoking he
starts taking my picture
and he’s being really cool and he’s like
can i have you take off your shoes
and i’m like
okay i brought
the beach i
guess this is fitting you know
right pictures of my feet
start snap pictures of my feet
and then all of a
sudden he gets down on a knee and i’m like
looking at him like what’s this guy doing man i’m like
super high and all
sudden he puts
my foot on his face and goes oh
you licked it
how does that make you feel i’m like whoa
and i’m looking at my boyfriend sitting
right there and i’m like babe
and he’s like
what the fuck
and i’m right in
front of your boyfriend dude yeah my did he not
know that you were with the guy he
know he’s this is
crazy yeah he’s crazy guy
and then i’m like what are you
doing and he’s like oh i run a foot fetish website it’s
californiabetweet com
and he puts me
up on there i fucking take the business card i’m just
super stoned and i’m like what just happened
whoa check out the website and i’m on there
oh didn’t he recently just send a
yeah i recently
emailed him and said i’m
gonna cease and desist
yeah he’s gonna
yeah there’s a
weird thing
about dudes who are into
people’s feet
you know did you save it
before the pictures the
pictures the
video oh the
video of it
you should have
saved it before you take that down
oh it is 25 bucks
before the internet was around
you know like back when
you know you had like find
things in magazines or you know it’s like
it was a lot different
if you wanted to see some
weird shit you
had a really really go out of your way to see it
there was a
magazine called foot there was two
one of them was like this lady boy
magazine i wish it was
i’d remembered it
i wish i remember the name of it
but it was a
magazine completely
dedicated to
cross dressers
and they were like fucking marines
these guys were like the guy works at the deli
the guy was bald with the big fat head who
slices salami he wants to be a woman
and he’s got
makeup on and a wig and he’s like posing like a
woman and it is
fucking tweaky
it’s what and
it you know like look how lovely she looks and you know
they like say that what the
woman name for his character that he plays when he
dresses up is oh
it’s so fucking strange there’s this new show coming on
where cross
dressers compete like
in like some
cross dressing like reality show
i saw a commercial for it have you guys
heard of it no
i saw the billboard of it
it’s like it’s like a game show
with cross dress
what i was gonna say though is that there was one
magazine called
foot action
and i remember looking at this
going what the fuck is this so
you gotta open it up and
check it out
and it’s all like dudes who jerk off on feet
it’s a whole
thing it’s like feet on decks and girls rubbing
their feet on decks and it’s like
that’s like a big fucking
thing for dudes i don’t get it that’s for
standing not for
kissing a whole
magazine man
whole magazine
dedicated to it it’s
gross cause that guy who took all
those pictures on my feet
i know he went home and touched himself to him
it’s doing it
right now yes i did
yeah what the fuck
if you have
a foot fetish if it has a little bit of cotton
do you get hornier
from it you
know like if there’s little cotton between the toes
i would imagine it’s like
a little bit of a pussy
i had a little
bit of a foot fetish when i was like 18 or 19
what exactly
well not really
i just thought they were
attractive like girls who had pretty feet were
attractive oh well
it helps yeah
just cause there’s so
many ugly feet in massachusetts
so many girls had like hooves
so many girls just
walking around kicking ice
since they were baby
her feet are all jack
you know i don’t have a foot fist but i
definitely like
touching feet like when i
sleep i like to
touch a little
foot i like to hold a foot but i don’t like go
after a foot no
no but some dudes becomes a giant
focus like that’s
more important to them than vaginas or
mouths or anything
like that something like misfiring in the
brain yeah it’s what
people are fucking strange man the way one person’s
brain works another person’s doesn’t
i was telling you guys
about this before we
started the podcast and i saw this
horrible video online of this
two kids or
skateboard in
front of this guy’s house
and the guy comes out tell him stop
skateboarding they like fuck you
skateboard we want and they’re getting some sort
of like a pushing shoving sort of a little situation
and the man runs into the
house and grabs a gun
and guns down
these two kids
right in the street
it’s all in the security
is it a live leak
i’m guessing
it was on youtube because
it’s not that
graphic see him
shooting it’s from a security camera from like the
front of his
house wow it’s fucking horrible you
know when you
think that you
know an argument between someone who wants a
skateboard and some guy who
doesn’t want to hear
noise can turn
into some man gunning down someone’s children
you know they’re
like 15 16 years old they’re like kids you know
it was so fucked up to
think that someone’s
brain can actually be
wired that way
or they just want to go out and just
shoot somebody who’s making too much
noise and it’s so crazy how
random it is
my friend marco
that i was talking
about he was walking in
north hollywood
and some guy just came up to him the
other day just put a gun to
his head and was like give me your wallet and your cell
phone and it’s like what yeah it can happen
it can happen
easy there was a guy out here that shot a cop
yeah last podcast
yeah yeah last podcast
look man it’s a fucking nutty
world and as the economy gets shittier and shittier
people get more and more desperate more and more
things like this are
gonna happen unfortunately you know
there’s a lack of balance
you know i don’t know how it comes back around
but i ain’t
gonna come back around the way we’re rocking it
right now there’s just so many fucking criminals i
wanna get guns it’s not a
crazy why don’t you have one
i just i don’t know
i mean there’s
a good smoking
well i mean it’s like all
right you want to get guns
like 600 bucks that’s a pretty big purchase
you know is it that much
i’m guessing like for
one should be
and then there’s probably
anything that you can kill somebody and it’s only 600
bucks probably
cheaper than that
it’s probably 20
bucks if you go in the right
places on the streets
you probably
get a cheap
gun but you have to do the class
or you have
we’re not clutch
you have to sign up like two weeks beforehand or
they have to do
background check
it’s like do i want to be put in the
system it’s
gonna take you a
while to get it probably do you want to be put in the
system afraid to be put in the system
the protecting
system brian is a
he’s an anarchist he stays outside the
system yeah
don’t fall to that
grid he’s a
libertarian
he does not believe in this
culture right
we go to canada
maybe vancouver that’s why you don’t vote
right so you don’t get put into the
system right
i already got put in the
system for the irs though so that fucking sucks
i don’t know how that happened
i didn’t do anything they just
check you bro
they found me they
check comics all the time
comics get busted all the time
but the irs
yeah excuse me
yeah yeah because
comics don’t like to charge to
report money like
they’ll take gigs and they’ll get paid cash
that was a huge huge problem in boston
back in the dize
we all got paid cash for all
these gigs you had them
you know do your own
taxes and most
these guys were lazy as
fuck they didn’t do anything they just took that money
and then you know years and years of
these comedy clubs reporting that they have
these employees you know and then
these guys never had
that just is really bad so a lot of them owed
tens of thousands of dollars
hundreds even
you know over years and years without paying
taxes what do you do if you can
fuck you can’t pay
that back you got to pay it back yeah payback slowly as
quick as you can
so guys were working like
every night guys were taking all
these crazy gigs just to try to pay off
their irs nut
i get withdrawals automatically once a month
and that was pretty much forced
it’s the mob
back to john gotti
yeah right so
who the fuck else was in line for it was it like
barry manilow’s busy
david cassidy can’t do it
danny bought a dude she
doesn’t want to act anymore
who’s gonna play john gotti elton john
i mean not that john
travolta is not a badass actor don’t get me wrong but
that’s not the
right guy for the part that’s
ridiculous right
that’s silly i mean he’s
great in pulp fiction don’t get me
wrong i’m not a john travolta hater
would it have been
weird if they used
sylvester stallone
yeah i would have
been kind of cool though
now i would have totally
i’ve totally
would have went for that
yeah fuck well you know it’d be a good role for
stallone to have been
something that he
would want to like try hard at and stretch in
you know like when he did cop
land like he made some
some attempts
a few times he’s a good actor yeah he can be
i mean he’s a
great actor in rocky
but you know why do all that hard lifting
when you can just be some badass and some fuckin
wooden faced
wooden lyrics movie
you know that just makes 100
billion dollars
in the box office you know he’s the master of
those expendable type
movies at least then put some jersey
shore guy in there i’m sick of all
these jersey
shore like ari was on a audition the
other day or a commercial
shoot with one of the guys from jersey
shore and him
about like some kind of product
i don’t know if i’m allowed to say but there was a
picture of kim kardashian
and she was holding
like hands like they were paling around with snooki
and they’re both having this incredible
belly laugh like
they’re leaning back and they’re
laughing so hard all i can
think of is
what are these two dumb cunts laugh at
what the fuck are you
laughing at
what what did you who said something funny
right snooki
snooki probably farted
kim kardashian
queefed yeah high five
your crease are louder than my farts
this is so strange
it’s such a
strange time we live in and no no you know when
i say dumb cunts i say it with all love i don’t really
think they’re cunts
i mean i think they just
they’re just doing their
thing you know
i got no hate for it i find it fascinating i
haven’t even
watched that show not one episode
i watched it
twice did it hurt your brain
it makes you grip the seat or you’re like what is
going on like it makes you realize like
these are real people man this jersey shores
they they’ll
fight over anything fuck you you whore
they’ll throw shit at each
other they tackle each
other and pull hair and turn into
these crazy slap
fights and they know
cameras are on they know they don’t give a fuck well
that’s what
these reality shows are
it’s like a
bunch of scientists putting a bunch of
rats in a little glass cage
and like let’s see the males mate with all the females
and fight they’re sending jersey
shore to italy for
season four they just announced
in like the whatever the you
the italian american interest group
unico or whatever it said that
they’re just pissed
they are so angry well
those people aren’t even all i mean
snooki’s not italian
right i don’t
think they’re all italian
she like puerto rican or something
you know i’ve never
i can’t believe we were talking
about them it’s so
stupid but we
should it’s fascinating we
should just like when you go to the zoo and there’s one
monkeys throwing a shit at the
glass you wanna
you know it’s not like this
monkeys beneath me talking
about him no man that’s
you know these are
monkeys these jersey
shore people are just a different type of monkey
you can look at it like it’s such
a trivial thing to talk
about in disgust but
it’s really like
scientific work
what’s weird is trying to bring
down the thing
most of them remind me of myself when i was like 18
and i was like wow crew palm
they put my bangs up i’m
going you know i’m gonna
go you know like i felt like
yeah but now
i look back and i’m like dude that is so embarrassing
it’s the prod
look this guy the situation
what however retarded he
might come off
he’s obviously working very hard he’s got
videos and exercise
videos and he’s trying to make something happen isn’t
he a protein vodka
i don’t know he probably is
he’s got a bunch of shit
going on he’s
obviously trying to make the most of the situation
when you see guys like that you just get to
think this is just someone from a different
world that’s all it is
it’s from a
world where you grow up around people
like that and that kind of behavior is acceptable
i mean i never
lived in jersey shore but
i was born in newark and i
lived in new
jersey and i have relatives from new jersey
and i grew up in boston and that
behavior is a lot more fucking common than you think
you know and if everybody in your
house behaves
like that it’s always like joey what the fuck is this
man you don’t fucking see i’m on the phone here
if that’s everyday
i mean that’s a real
those are real live people out there man there’s a
bunch of people that
that’s their
everyday yelling and
screaming shit at each other
come on bro this fucking guy
doesn’t know who i am bro
this guy has know
who i am so glad i only had two italians growing up
near me they’re
monkeys they’re monkeys
that’s me so i can say it i’m
three quarter
monkey they’re fucking apes
they’re squawking apes they like to get on top of cars
and jump up and down and bang on them just like a chimp
would all that yelling and
it’s not a coincidence that they’re the loudest
motherfuckers on the planet
no you know what
i have a lot of family
in new york my parents are from brooklyn
and all of my aunts
are like the whole
how are you doing
oh my god oh
they’re brutal but it’s
funny but it’s very up there
well you know what though it’s fun though
they’re festive people
i’m only bullshitting that
i totally hate it because they have the best food ever
i would take italian food over everything
and i am italian
three quarters italian so i can’t be that
self hating
but there’s that passion
that makes them
it’s a crazy race
you know there’s
some rakes like
like the armenians
armenians are fucking crazy man
have you ever you know
i mean i know a
bunch of armenians from the ultimate
fighter from from
you know the ufc
fights from
just training
a lot of them do
jiu jitsu and
those guys are fucking
down to just
punch you in the face yeah
they’re wild they’re wild dudes it’s like a
whole race of wild dudes yeah
but that’s just the way they are i mean you know
if you’re born into that situation what the fuck
you know how hard it must
be to try to not be that if you’re growing up around
your dad and you’re in a tight knit family
so they’re all together they all act just like each
other and there’s fucking ten of them in a
house for real
those are very family oriented people
armenians they just
everyone’s over the
house grandma grandpa
the cousins are visiting
they’re very
families they’re all like hey what the fuck
they’re all like super
intense people
burbank is like
filled to the top with armenians and it’s
like my starbucks and stuff
they sit out there and play poker
and you walk in and they all stare at you
they’re giving you like we
could trade
my friend armin
armin the armenian
my friend armin was a pool player
back in my pool playing days and he was this
motherfucker
would just can’t we wanted to gamble constantly
come on you got no
heart come on gamble it’s gamble
just always wanted to gamble armenians
even in pool they’re like aggressive
right and the
place where i get my haircut
which is like fantastic sam’s or you know 8
haircut type place
and they’re all armenians in there too
that are all the family
members of the guys that are playing poker outside
and so they kind of
know who you are
from you know just
going to starbucks every day
so i sit down and it’s
the most uncomfortable haircut ever like it feels like
i always think that she’s
gonna take the
scissors and just stab it through my head
so that’s what i’m
thinking when i’m getting my haircut i’m like
don’t stab the scissors there why
do you feel it because it’s very intense
you need to get a haircut with me and you
understand something
i want to get a
scary haircut
very intense armenians
are very what if
you’re right
what if you’re
right and it’s just
which haircut is she
gonna fucking snap
right that’s what i’m saying
yeah if i had
those thoughts i
wouldn’t even go anymore
intuition what see the
thing is is i i go to
starbucks every day like
mixed in with
these people
yeah keep your enemies
close you know like
like if they
start you know
throwing grenades they’re
gonna be like hey
you know better
stand over here man
you know i’d rather have that
you want to be in with them
right well so
you say hi to them when you see him hi guys
i didn’t know
did they open
the door when they’re coming in and out i you know
you don’t go so far as to make friends with them though
no mike what’s up mike no
i don’t do that with anybody though
very like i
told you last week i keep very hidden like a
ninja low profile
why is that
cause i don’t know it’s easier
right it’s easier
avoid conflict
absolutely i
think i talked to that old man
building your shed in your backyard
more than you did oh yeah
absolutely i talked
about his daughter’s dogs yeah
what’s with
people that just
wanna start
telling you shit
about their life yeah
he told me a lot
it’s very when you get
stuck with one of
those motherfuckers and you realize
like it starts off as a normal conversation like what’s
going on man
nothing how you doing nah
everything’s good man how
about yourself well it
would have been better if it wasn’t for last week
you know last week my daughter
married this man and i
tried to tell her to stay
away from this fellow but she didn’t want to listen
and you’re like oh no that’s too bad no
fuck yes that’s what i try
to get out of and stay away from is that kind of shit
that shit is brutal
that shit was yeah you like a beaten woman
you’re afraid of men you become a
lesbian you become a social
lesbian right
you know who’s the best is joy
diaz getting out of
those situations though
that’s all you
gotta do what you
gotta do hold on
he’ll make his
phone ring yeah he’ll make his
phone ring where he’s like
i even saw once when this waitress at
the ice house pasadena ice house
this waitress was talking so much
finally he goes
please you’re giving me an ear beating seriously
i need to i need to get out of here
that was like
joey diaz meets ernie
and bert no
cookie monster who’s that
oscar the ground
monster the cookie
monster cookie
okay so anyway so joey told her that he’s did he
get an ear beating get into ear beating and just like
start going did she stop yeah
some people
have to say that some people
you cannot hit
she did that laughing like oh
that’s the worst feeling being silenced like that
well sort of but maybe she’s fucking crazy
maybe that’s the only way to get her away
you know maybe she would have just sat down with us and
started talking to us
some people just don’t know
some people need those checks just
you know because they’re always
gonna do it unless somebody does said something would
it be fucking badass if you could test drive people’s
brains if you could be like i wonder how dumb this
motherfucker really is can i just
climb inside your head for five minutes
right we’re
in it someday probably yeah malkovich
dude have you seen john malkovich lately no
have you seen it ever is it called the movie yeah it’s
such a great movie it’s a great
movie yeah just rewatching could you imagine if you
could pilot you know if you could
like i want
to know what it feels like to be a girl so you
pilot allison yeah
for like just
pilot her around the
house for like an hour
and she just stays
silent and lets you move around and look through
her eyes you
know she knows you’re in there she lets you in there
and you can move
she like go
silent you walk her around
you move her body around you finger yourself
you do whatever
you want you have her body for one hour and then a
trigger to get into would you
sleep with a
bunch of guys
i don’t think i
would do that
i would definitely
finger myself though
for sure wouldn’t you
i would do that
stuff i can
build i would yeah pee on myself
yeah you realize when you when
you start using a
flashlight yeah sex is way better
but it’s pretty fucking good
and that’s why girls like girls with dildos
like you know we
i would never got that i was like why don’t you
stick some remember dick inside of you
it’s not as good as a
real dick but i bet it’s probably pretty fucking close
right you know
girls i would
definitely if i
would i would ten minutes i’d finger myself i
would try to have sex with another woman
while it was that really yeah
try to make out with her yeah
yeah and what if you turned midnight and turned
into a pumpkin like boy
look i got a dick
you like it’s like eleven
fifty eight you know
would be great
right now if i was a guy and you
were a girl but i’m not attracted to guys ever since my
uncle touched me i’m really only attracted to point
oh no oh shit i forgot to tell you i was
gonna turn into a dude
listen can we keep
going keep going
that would be cool if you
could keep going cause your
daughter be
horny and it’s
fine i creeped out because she just told you
about her uncle and then also in a
big part in
front of her i
think if i saw that actually happen i
would probably
freak the fuck out now you probably you
could you imagine
just morphing
like because there’s certain animals that change sex
that’s not unusual in nature it happens in a
bunch of situations
certain animals
start off as a woman and they become a male or vice
versa and they can change
dependent on certain insects and certain
worms and shit i
think they can change dependent on whether or
not there’s enough males or enough females in the
popularity really
yeah it’s variable
yeah there’s a
bunch of like simple organisms that can do that
so if simple organisms
could do that why can’t you know i can’t like fucking
humans that was the
thing that the part of the movie splice
you don’t even know
the movie splice
it was an amazing
movie what’s that guy’s name adrian brody
i could have bought that movie for a second
i remember seeing a brilliant scientist
and what he did was
he managed to splice
together i don’t know was like alien
and they make the worst
child ever what was it like
a person and some
other shit i saw the trailer okay
it was like a person and some
other shit like maybe a frog or something
they made like this little
alien baby and this is how dumb the premise is
they keep this alien baby
at this laboratory and it grows into a full grown human
in like a couple of months
and they just keep it in the basement
and they just
like hanging out with her in the basement now all of a
sudden she’s a
chick and she’s kinda hot
except her eyes are like too far
apart that’s like the only
thing that you can tell
so this thing is like
maybe three months old
and it’s an
attractive woman
thing and you like
get scared but if it wants to it can kill you
okay and then
maybe three weeks
after that he
starts fucking it
so adrian brody is fucking this
three month old
alien baby thing i
swear i’d shut that thing off
in the middle of my adrian brody story
who do you think
it is i don’t know it’s probably the fence guy
oh it’s toll free call you cunts
well that’s pretty
weird so he
starts fucking the thing that’s
i would not
he’s like this thing is only a couple of months old
i would have not waited that long i
would have fucked that
thing the first
second i look
like a girl then it was like oh i made you
wouldn’t you you
would do the same thing no no you wouldn’t fuck this
first of all because it didn’t
look totally look like a person it had wings okay
it had crazy feet it had like
the back legs were like horse legs
did they talk in english
uh no i made noises i
made noises
hmm yeah it was way retarded
and then at the end of the movie
it becomes a male
something happens
something happens it goes through some
really it’s not feeling well and some weird
sweet they think it’s gonna die
it becomes a male and adrian
brody had sex with it yeah and the male
starts jacking thing i think it kills a
dream brody at the end i don’t remember it
was so bad i couldn’t remember wow it was such a dumb
movie it was like it was
but it was over you like what
you shut the fuck up
you know there’s no
spoilers in this but when the
movie sucks that bad
you’re allowed to talk about it
you know it’s like it’s
fun it’s fun to
watch cause it’s bad like i was
it’s a giggle fest
does she have boobs
like did they have nipples i have
like some little
tits yeah see that
could have turned me the
right way well she’s real
aggressive too and big
you know and like
powerful and
she was really kind of creepy
but she’s supposed to be four fucking months old
you know or whatever at the most six she’s
they had to get her out of the lab
you know she acts like a
child she like
curls up and cuddles with them like a
child and get scared and cries
but then she like eat a cat
and shit did he just
start fucking her like raping her did he like
comb her hair
first and she
came on to him
next thing you know he’s boner and i
swear to god
the whole theater is howling
laughing i gotta say it
howling laughing
yeah i mean i was i felt bad that i was
laughing i felt i can’t
laugh with this fuck i’m
gonna be i’m
gonna be that dick in the
movie theater
laughing but then
other people
started laughing too
i was going oh
no and then
other people started
laughing out
loud and then it just became a wave through the
whole theater
everybody was just
going no what the
people were just
going what the fuck
they were lmao and
that’s one of the cool
things about
going to see a
movie in hollywood
like a lot of times when you go see a
movie in hollywood
like you know it’s like a lot of cool
people in the audience yeah and sometimes some shit
stupid stupid shit will happen in a
movie and everyone agrees like everyone
is like what is this yeah that happened when i was
watching the
trailers to inception
um and it was
what’s that guy making
he made that movie
where everyone’s in a village and they don’t know oh
yeah the devils it showed like his name in the
whole yeah same
thing happened in my
theater we talked
about this before
i’ve seen it
three times the
devil when it came on
everyone just started
going oh you know
like this looks cool with that
mother of that fucking
disappointing cocksucker
he needs to change his name no man i’m telling you that
devil movie was pretty good i like that movie yeah
i took a chance
i’m desperate i’m desperate for good horror
movie but it
seems like that’s a
he’s getting gotten to a
point where
a lot of people probably aren’t
gonna watch that movie well
apparently he
did not direct this i don’t think i
think he just produced it
your name off it bro
yeah man you might have
cost yourself 50 million bucks
i was doing
tech support two
months ago and as i was working from home i
would watch horror movies over and over again like just
random ones on netflix and i
would watch probably like two a day
to the point
where like two weeks went by and i’m like i need to
switch it up
like i’ve been watching this shit too much i had like
weird dreams and shit
sometimes there’s a problem with like the celebrity
director like the m night
shyamalan’s boom
you know cause there’s a bunch of
movies that are really good movies that don’t have that
you know they don’t
that doesn’t say you know
james cameron’s boom
but there’s when
when with certain dudes like their name like
m night shyamalan with ding dongs that number one
right his name is just
immediately associated with all of his movies what
movie did he fail at that everybody hates him so much
they all saw
the one with the sixth
sense was the last good water bit
unbreakable was okay but it was really slow
but then there was the
water one was so
dumb and the
plant one and
i didn’t even see the plant one but
everybody told me the plant one was fucking god
awful did you see the plant one no happening
i saw a gang of them that made me nuts
i saw i forget which ones
i can’t remember but i
still take chances i’m a sheep man
it’s a big film what a friday
night the big film went go see it fuck it
right i’ll just sit there and try to
watch it man sit there with my popcorn and try not to
think this is stupid
but that was a good
movie that the
devil was not bad it was it was is tricky
you know it was good enough you know it was
a good horror movie
you know i expected it to suck and it did not
fucking not enough good horror movies out there man
good monster
movies i remember
i think the
human centipede was the last one i
watched that’s
more just goros i don’t
even see i wanna see monsters
somebody makes some good modifications did you see
human centipede
i got it i didn’t watch that
just watch it for the creep fest of it
i mean it’s one of those movies i
was going to turn off oh yeah
after the first 20 minutes i just wanted to get a
taste of it
but then i kind
of got addicted to the fact that it was so creepy
and i was just like i
gotta see what’s happening here
i mean it’s not good i don’t like it but
it’s definitely
worth seeing just because
the characters in it are fucking creepy as fuck
have you seen the
movie shutter island
yes okay that one was not surprising and whatever
but there’s a
movie called madhouse it wasn’t surprising yeah
cause you kinda knew it was
gonna happen it’s like oh
who’s obviously
gonna be the
crazy person that
movie was a hot
subject of debate amongst me and my friends really yeah
most of us thought like
i went to see it with segura
and with eddie bravo
and they both we all thought that it was a bad
movie me too
i felt like
you can’t just show me a
bunch of shit and then say oh
psych he was
crazy the whole time it was all a dream
if you go on
netflix look at madhouse
it’s just like shutter island but with unknown actors
really completely better
story better ending
and like i wish that one made it to theaters
yeah that shutter island one
it looked bad
ass and it seemed kind of interesting
but when you
found out that he was
crazy like halfway
there was there was a one
point in time when you kind of knew that
things were
a little wonky
like okay this is all of a
sudden we’ve
entered into this unrealistic
like how’s he
climbing up
these mountains
you know and by the
ocean remember that part by the
ocean when he
climbed in the cave into that
lighthouse yeah and you
start thinking okay
obviously he’s
crazy like what’s
going on but you can’t have a
movie where you have
everything makes
sense and then all of a sudden it
doesn’t and oh it was a
dream yeah like that’s like a
cheap trick
that’s kinda like
a slap in the face to all the viewers yeah i mean i get
i get you’re trying to be crafty
it just i don’t
think it’s successful i don’t i didn’t
think it was good
i wonder how some of
these get put out and pass all the people they
need to pass and then it gets such bad viewer responses
well the big part
about the whole
movie business is the producers the big part about the
movie business is the people that come up with the
money so it’s not just
well it’s a
bunch of different people get involved
you know it’s not just the people who
wrote it or the people who are
you know performing the characters there’s a lot of
other shit behind the scenes
you know and there’s a lot of cooks
and everybody’s got
their own idea what
should be in and
should be not in i’ve seen a
bunch of things that were really good get fucked up a
bunch of things
the man show
and doug and i did it that got all fucked up by
other people involved look at this
green hornet
movie man have you seen the preview
that looks like somebody i was
gonna say that the best example there was
a there was a
move that i did a long time ago it was a terrible movie
it was called
frank mccluskey ci
or pi private investigator i
think it was
anyway it was this kid
i forget his name dave who was the lead who’s a really
funny guy and
he was doing all
these different i should
respect to him find out what the fuck
his last name is
a green hornet
movie looks fucking
nasty well i’m wondering if it’s supposed to be
funny well what
i’m saying is with this guy when i did this this movie
um dave sheridan that’s his name
when i did this
movie this fucking kid is hilarious
and he would have and him and his friend wrote it
right so he had like
they were like
going over the
scenes and what’s the best way to make them funny
and the dude was really
good like he’s a really good actor he was in like like
scary movie and he’s been in a
bunch of different films
so anyway he’s performing the scene and
he’ll come in and hit it his way
but there’s all these
no one knows who this guy is
right so there’s all
these like suits in the room
these guys would like fucking expensive
cuff links and rolex
watches and suspenders
and they’re giving this dude
literally giving him takes like do it like this
like when you walk in
i want you to
wow like this i
watch this guy do this and i’m like
this is what happens when
these motherfuckers get
power all of a
sudden they
think that they’re creative all of a
sudden they
want they want to influence
these these
funny people making
their shit just
cause you’ve you
backed a bunch of
movies and you’ve got a
bunch of successful
movies under your belt
doesn’t mean you know how to make something funnier
but they all just want to get
their greasy fingerprints on it
it’s a big problem in hollywood
it’s like no one lets
the smaller the
group the better
that’s what it’s
gotta be the
smaller the
group the better
and you can’t make
what they’re doing better you can’t go in and go no
you guys are
focusing too much on this it’s too much that you got to
bring it back make it like
all you’re gonna do is cause
chaos all you’re
gonna do is interrupt
so either they make something that you
enjoy or they don’t
but you can’t add to the process it’s like
say if you were
someone was
building a car they were making a porsche
and you’re like i don’t like the way
this front end looks
when i want the
front end to be
stick up like this
like a cobra like it’s coming at you
and they’d go like that
doesn’t work
because there’s aerodynamics like we need aerodynamics
scientifically it
doesn’t work
but i think it
would really work we’re
gonna figure out a way to make this work
and you’d be like well this is
stupid you’re not a car designer
what’s the same
thing with these assholes they’re not
they’re not funny
they’re not
actors they’re not comedians they’re just
fucking people with
money that have
financed a bunch of
movies so you
can get it yeah
so if you’re doing a tv show if you’re doing a
movie there’s a
bunch of different people that have their say
you know that’s how john travolta gets cast as john
gotti there’s a bunch you
know you look at a guy like that
you’re like okay it’s a big name we got john travolta
john travolta gotti
it’s very controversial
maybe we should go with it it’s
gonna get a lot of press
john travolta’s gotti
yeah meanwhile
meanwhile back at the
ranch i guarantee if we find the guy who
wrote that thing he’s like
probably fucking pulling his hair out john travolta
really my episte
my greatest work of all time
john travolta
for john gotti
i was a fucking i was undercover i
wrote this book i wore a wire you cocksucker
i risk my life my family’s life
and fucking john travolta
don’t they love him for grease though like that
not anymore no
no after the
picture in the inquire of him kissing another man
wait really
yeah what about that
she’s getting off a jet
there’s a picture of him there’s a kissing a
bunch of people that know him that have said it online
that have said in interviews that thought it was like
out i thought it was like yeah
there’s a big
article in like
think was vanity fair
some some dude that travolta
used to bone just talked
about how you know he
would just go to bath
houses and shit and
just hook up
remember the the family guy
the last family guy i
think it was
where it shows the grease
where they fly out into the air
you know like in the car
and it was like the
bonus scene that they cut out of the
movie where they’re just like
oh my god it’s cold up here it’s cold up here
you know cause they’re just flying through the sky
and then she’s like
warm me up you know hold me warm me up he goes hey
i’m good i’m good
a gay joke to travolta
in the family guy
that’s funny
you know i i
understand that if he
was gay and i’m not saying he is because i don’t know
you know but
if he was i totally
understand him
not want to tell people because of his business
you don’t get to play the lead in
movies if they know you’re gay yeah
cause there’s just a big
chunk of america like
you know fucking probably 30 or 40
this is just not
gonna go see a movie
where john travolta is kissing girls and has a
girlfriend or a wife if you know that he’s gay
don’t you usually get to a certain
point in money
at least or
where you don’t need to
worry about not getting lead roles anymore you could
still probably make
money you know if i don’t
go to commercials yeah or
that’s easier said than done man
you know a lot of people don’t want to
disappoint their fans
a lot of people are worried
one of the reasons why
you know certain alleged organizations protect their
their members from
homosexual you know
rumors and all
you know anybody finding out they’re gay
it’s because
they’re trying to protect them as a business
they’re trying to use like a
a systematic approach as a business to maximize
their opportunity like look
you can come out but if you do here’s what’s
gonna happen
first of all you’re only
gonna come out to
strangers your friends all know you’re gay anyway right
that’s all that matters your friends
and if you come out there’s a
bunch of rules you’re not gonna get
there’s a bunch of
things you’re
gonna get pushed away for and you just
might be a few opportunities you miss
when it’s all over let’s
write a book we’ll
write a book we’ll say you’re gay
but for now
let’s say you’re not gay and we’ll
throw in a couple
quirks or perks like yeah you can be the
woman in hairspray sure yeah
every now and then you
get to be a girl
yeah yeah it’s kind of
funny you know
it’s it’s a fucking interesting
thing man that he the way the
human sexual
system is wired
there is this ad that are
maybe like a
preview on the news and it’s like oprah tells a big
secret like next week at four and i’m like hmm
isn’t it always kind of questionable
she’s a white
man white man
no one ever saw that coming oprah
yeah what was the secret
i don’t know i don’t
think it aired yet
her big secret is that she’s
gonna be a lesbian with that girl
right yeah don’t people
think that already
a lot of people
think that yeah
wait did you just
bring up oprah
i was watching oprah
no it was like on the news
what happens
when you bring
chicks to the show bro
they just start
bringing up oprah
when do i watch oprah
i watch it occasionally just
to see it’s like i just need to know that that side
exists did you subscribe to the oprah
channel joe
no i haven’t they have to pay for it i don’t know
i’ll watch it
would you no
i mean i will
every now and then
just to see what the fuck is up
i watch everything man i watch
hunting shows i watch
super super like
right wing political shows i
watch people like a scientist like i just want to know
what the fuck is out there you know
i don’t watch a lot a lot of shit i don’t
watch for entertainment i
watch for like
i just watch to see what is this you know like
you know so many shows man
like the religious shows i love
watching religious shows
did i watch
steve harvey on this religious show
it was fucking awesome first of all he’s crying
about the pressures of being famous
it was amazing you know some
piece of cats don’t know cats don’t know what it’s like
like complaining about being this
multi multi millionaire celebrity
and then he started talking
about god and it was just brilliant
it was just amazing stuff you were saying
he was like what do you say it goes if you
if a cat don’t have god in his life i don’t even
wanna talk to you
you’re silly
you’re a silly person
it was awesome
like if you don’t believe in god you’re a silly person
i had a friend do that to me i love
it she told me alice and we can’t be friends anymore
cause you’re not a woman of god and i’m like
bitch i was fucking comfort you should’ve
started kissing her
is that what i should yeah
just anger and shit
check your oil
so shut up bitch you want to
taste your pussy suck my fingers
i said your pussy tastes like that
bad girl i am a bad girl she just would have went
right with it
yeah dirty little goddamn
bitch yeah so what would it how is the
conclusion you guys break up no more friend easy
no more besties
yeah i know
we kind of met up i guess
a year ago but this happened like when you’re fifteen
i was like whoa
fifteen she went god huh
yeah see self
righteous little cunt
yeah it was
weird that’s
ridiculous you don’t know
what the fuck is up
when you’re fifteen i know right
you did go to catholic
school yeah i went to catholic
school for like four years
catholic schools rough
so much guilt and
strain and stress and so many people
that come from
guilt and strain and stress have
their kids in there so there’s fucking
strain in the home
lot of fucking
just repression and
it’s one of the most
depressing religions
yeah i didn’t like it at all
get it used
to like confession from
like once a week
and i’m like i’m not doing this and i got kicked out in
ninth grade so i went to public school
sounds like religion they
would have got me if i was like
with the mormons or something like that or someone fun
someone looks like they have a good time like
i have friends that are mormons when they go to church
it’s like basically you sitting around with a
bunch of people’s families you say some nice things
about god and you leave
nobody feels in
you like shit nobody
feels like a fucking
sinner like a
piece of shit
i talked to two mormons
maybe like a couple months ago
while they were walking around and i was on a jog
we started talking and i said oh you guys will
never have like a time to
relax go see a
movie or whatever
and i like no we can only rest for seven
hours on wednesday
and that’s what we do our laundry
but the rest of the time we’re
scouting around and
knocking on people’s doors
well okay you’re talking
about missionaries
yeah people on the mission
yeah this isn’t like you know everybody’s not do that
no these are just
the people that want to like go and recruit people yeah
yeah and then i
think they call them
elders or something
elder john i’m like what’s your
name fucking hilarious is a
young dude coming up to you
calling himself elder
the fuck out of here pretty high
this person i know that it is a mormon
just recently they’ve
completely abandoned it
so it’s been kind of fascinating
so they had some
things happen to them in
their life and they just decided the religion really
doesn’t make
sense anymore it’s kind of weird
it’s weird when that happens man when all of a
sudden someone just goes oh what’s
what was i doing
like i knew people that used to be christians
like we’re super
super christian and then they just kind of
lightened up on it a bit
you know like rampage jackson at one
point in time
wouldn’t swear
wouldn’t stop swearing
didn’t want to have premarital sex so i got
married like the
whole deal went
super full blown christian
so that was just the girl
making him do that probably
i don’t know i don’t know man i
think at some
point in time people get real
real nervous and
they really want to believe that there’s an answer
you know they really want to believe that someone’s got
a book from
three thousand
years ago with all the shit in it it’s all in here man
it’s all in here
you can live a perfect life
and if you’re around people that really
truly believe it here’s the deal man it fucking works
if you’re around
someone who’s a real true practicing christian i mean
think about what that is
for a real true practicing
practicing christian
you are just doing christian
things you’re
trying to be loving and love your neighbor
and do charitable
things for your community
i mean that’s really what it’s supposed to be all about
and if you do that that really
will make you a happier person so it does work you know
even though it’s you know
it’s the reason why it works is because you’re
tricking yourself into believing that this 2
000 year old book
written by people who thought the
world was flat and the sun was 17
miles away has all the fucking answers
that’s ridiculous but
but the fact that if
you believe in something like that it’s like a placebo
effect for your life
yeah i was actually at work and one of my bosses
he’s a pastor
also and he hands me that rick warren’s book
he’s like what is that
it’s like rick
warren’s like the chosen path it’s a catholic
or a christian book that a pastor wrote
it’s like one of the best selling books ever
really yeah
the crazy ones are
is it two guys they have like some
whole fucking
whole series
of like super
super super popular books but it’s all
about like the
apocalypse oh i don’t know
you don’t know about this
yeah there’s rick warner
i think there’s a
group of two guys and they’re like
best selling authors in america
and people don’t even know
about them god i
gotta find this out
right now i hate when this happens
but these um
did you read the religious book
no he handed it to me
and i was like what’s
this for and he’s just like i want you to read this
and i’m like well
i don’t want to read this you
could have it back
and he’s like
why don’t you want to read it it’s just like you know
briefing on the
bible and what not
and i just told him even though he’s a pastor
like i don’t want to read this listen like i’m at work
right now i don’t need to read this okay
here’s the guys there’s two guys named
tim lahey and
jerry jenkins and they
write this books called
the left behind series
and with these
they made them into
movies and i have two of them
i have both of them because they’re fucking awesome
and then with kurt cameron
and it’s all
about how jesus comes back and everybody dies
but the christians get
taken to heaven and everybody here is fucked
do they believe this
or is this like fictional
oh yeah they believe it this is the
apocalypse this is the real shit god’s
gonna come back and if you’re not
saved that’s why
these nutbags like
kirk cameron
that’s why you see him talking to gang bangers and you
know trying to get them to you know to
to come to god like he really believes
that jesus is
gonna just show up and everybody’s
gonna be taken to heaven
and everybody else is gonna be
stuck and fucked and left back behind here on earth
within a godless
world with no
laws and all the good christians will be gone
they’ll be stuck he really believes that and it’s
these books are
fucking huge huge huge sellers
like millions and millions of
copies some of the most
successful books in america
some of the most
successful fiction
or he’s completely full of shit and he’s just
dollar dollar bills
well i don’t
think so man i
think they started out
probably you
gotta know man you
think they’re full of shit
completely who knows man i mean look at like all
these people that ever get in
trouble for like you know
i think he’s gay all
these religious guys
if i had to bet money on
kirk cameron being gay or not gay oh dude he had a perm
on growing pains
yeah but that
doesn’t mean anything so did
try to get somebody good
think tommy morrison and
made out of perm
at one point in time
anyway he has aids bad
bad example
um but um yeah
when i see him like trying to
convert people i’m like what are you running from doing
why are you so into this what’s what’s that about wire
why is that consuming your your
humanism yeah
it’s a it’s a gay
thing or money
it’s gay gay
money gay and
money you think so
i don’t know
to me it just seems like it’s a
smart thing that he’s doing the same reason why there’s
clean comics you
would say that but this guy goes and has like debates
against like
scientists and they look really stupid
him and his
buddy he’s got a
buddy that has a
i forget this fucking
buddy’s name is
buddy’s retarded ray comfort okay
and you ever seen the banana
thing right
the voice says the banana was designed by god
and this is how he can
prove it he
shows that the banana fits in your hand then he peels
the banana and eats it and shows this is the this is
an evolutionist nightmare
because this is like
clear evidence of creation that god has created this
fruit like you fucking
really meant that when he was saying it
god created the dick
it also fits in the hand it also gives you
juice when you are thirsty
after killing dinosaurs
but no no that he has to do that kind of shit though in
order for him to make this
money then to be
legit to sell all
these books he has to also
do bullshit like that you know he
would be have
to be a way better actor than he’s capable of because
these two guys are so dumb in
these debates
and they’re so fascinating there’s no way you
could not believe what they’re saying
and say the
things they’re saying
i don’t think
unless it’s like one big gigantic you know
multi decade hustle i don’t
think so i think they’re just
knuckleheads
you know i think there’s
knuckleheads and they get
married to an idea and then they just
stick with that
motherfucker
right whether it makes
sense or not
but these dudes
these left behind dudes i want to know what
what their circulation is
i’m sure you do i do baby
it’s their circulation
shit
by the way oprah disclosed that
her news was that she has a half sister
she didn’t know that what that’s news
they make it on me
how ridiculous is that how is that news
i don’t know
everything with oprah’s news i mean it’s kind of like
when you get put in that certain class of
why is that news old black lady what is it
that doesn’t make any
yeah it’s very weird
i can’t find out how many books this thing sold
not quickly
but it was a fuckload officially
a fuckload of books that’s all about these
people being left behind
it’s fucking awesome if you ever want to
get blaze then watch kirk cameron
it rocks it’s really good rather watch growing pains
that would be good to at least they like
tracy gold’s in there you know get
let’s get some
tracy gold have you been paying attention to what’s
going on yellowstone
mm hmm yellowstone national park you know has a caldera
super volcano that erupts
every six to eight hundred thousand years and
just fucking it’s a continent
killer it kills like almost
everything on the on the continent
kill like two
thirds of all living things on on north america
well the magma has
been bulging
and it’s got these bulging pocket
swells where the earth is lifting
and there’s all these form
these photos of them online
question starting to freak out
when are we do what how well
they don’t know well see it’s been
about 600 000 years so
it really could happen they’re not
they were concerned they said they were concerned for a
while but then they’re not
now they’re
not anymore because it stopped doing what they were
worried it could do
but the bottom line is
it’s completely unpredictable
they don’t know what when
when it can happen or why it happens or what
causes it when they say it’s a continent
killer like it
could destroy the
whole continent
is that like maximum and then
minimum is like oh it will ruin like the taco bell next
door you know well this is what it is dude it’s 300
kilometers wide
right and it’s a
super volcano
which means when it blows up you know
mounting helens
is like a volcano
and then at the top there’s a
small area where all the lava was
shooting up in the air right
well this isn’t like that
what this is is like the top part
but the top part is a hundred and
sixty miles wide
and it shoots
straight up in the air like a fucking mile high wall of
lava did they and then
steam yeah and then
nuclear winter
occurs because the entire surface of the earth gets
covered in fucking ash
like no planes can fly
remember that
little tiny baby ass volcano that blew up in iceland
and everybody got fucked
nobody can even fly anywhere
but when this one blows it’s they
do anything that like
like take that like
drill holes in it
like release pressure
no no no this
is way too big you got to move to australia bitch
to australian have some canned food waiting
seriously yeah
if that motherfucker goes if that
motherfucker goes
it’s gonna go
you probably won’t be able to do anything
you probably won’t be able to get out in time if
we find out like tomorrow that yellowstones gonna blow
what are we
gonna do where we
gonna go why go
that’s why i keep that
in my car joe my emergency emergency kit
at all okay
i hope that
thing has a
motorboat in it
cause you’re
gonna have to get the fuck out that’s
what a shot put in there that’s a good idea get one of
those rafts and just
like blow up raft
things sure
because you know in australia when it was fucking when
these crazy
floods hit there was
sharks in the
street yeah
sharks yeah
people spotted
sharks bull sharks
swimming down the
street that’s how much
water there was in australia
what would you do
and guns if you knew molten lava
was just coming and there is no escape it’s not even
it’s not even that it’s not
even that the molten
lava is gonna fuck you yeah that’s bad
molten lava
is terrible
but it’s all the other
stuff that’s
gonna get you to the toxic rain
the fucking shit in the air
where it fills your
lungs up and kills you
like a lot of animals like they
found all these woolly mammoths
and they were all dead and
they were dead in like this mask like
field of them and one of the
things they
found was that
their lungs were all filled with
soot but their
lungs were filled with like volcanic ash
and so what happened was they just got caught in some
big volcano
eruption and they just breathed in all that
smoke and it
literally turned
their lungs into rocks
oh my god and they just die you get
lungs filled
with volcanic ash and it’s like volcanic rocks
basically in your body
that’s terrible it’s
terrible yeah it cuts off your air you can’t breathe
i mean the air is
thick with this shit
and they all died
have you ever thought to get one of
those chemical masks that you can get like at surplus
stores dude when
you need that chemical mask everybody’s dead anyway
you know if you needed that
what are you
gonna do you
gonna be mad max you
gonna be out there on your own
save yourself
go walk around and hump some dead
ladies and shit grab some wallets
i don’t know man
at a certain
point in time you
gotta say nighty
night if there really is
a heaven or
a hell and i did kill myself in that situation
i hope that they’d be like it’s okay we get it
no see they don’t they
won’t get it there’s no
exception to that you can’t kill
yourself kill yourself
before you suffocate to
death or molten lava that
attacks your body
well molten
lava probably gets you
really quick
i mean if you fell in
i bet if you felt in a volcano it
would take like one second you
would disappear
have you seen that many volcanoes that’s called
how long could you last
that’s what they used to do man in hawaii
people are douchebags they
throw them in fucking in pele
they throw them in a volcano man
so they got rid of cunts
yeah yeah that’s how
they get rid
of people that’s how they execute them oh my god
back in the day son
dizzy back when
motherfuckers were wearing
straw skirts you know i’m saying you know i’m saying
throwing spears at animals and shit
sacrifice to the
wild wild pigs and shit
that’d be a wild
place to live
throwing people in a volcano
there was this some
documentary on
lost tribes
and all these different people that are
still living
you know like
they live thousands of years ago all over the
world and i was
watching it i was
thinking to myself man
what the fuck
would i do if it all went back to this
how would i
would i even want to go back to this
like what if society ended
and all of a
sudden you’re making bows and
arrows out of fucking
bamboo trees and and making your own
twine you’re trying to feed your family by hunting food
fuck man really that
be okay what
why why would you
think that i don’t know be kind of like
be like camping will be
be like fun for like a week and then you’re
like i’m fucking hungry there’s nothing to eat on here
except this
bird that won’t
sit still and i need to make a
guess what there’s not that many animals
it’s not nearly as many as you
would need to sustain a
population okay you
know we think of
we’ll go hunting well
you know there’s no animals to
hunt anymore it’s not like it used to be 300 years ago
where you could
go anywhere near here and there’d be deer
everywhere and all sorts of
other animals to eat like we pushed all
those bitches out there’s like nothing left
you know occasionally you’ll see a deer in hollywood
you know like on you ever
drive up laurel canyon and see
a deer family and shit it’s a trip you know it’s like
wow you guys are
still here huh
i was asking you
that yesterday if you ever see deer around here yeah
it seems very
empty i see deers and coyotes and
we’d be fucked we’d have to
start eating each other
probably no
definitely dogs
first then people
there’s no other food
how many fucking cows are there around here
you know if you got no
more cars okay cars don’t work anymore let’s just get
crazy right
what are you
gonna do you got no
phones you start eating people
all right yeah and then you’re
gonna probably kill yourself
gonna try to figure out a way to kill yourself
after you eat a few people and you feel bad yeah
definitely yeah
i could i don’t
know person
would you rather die
uh yeah i would kill myself before i
eat a person alright
speaking of killing yourself
this fucking bath salts
thing have you
heard about this
yeah i have that’s craziness
this is for the
folks that haven’t
heard and this is not a joke this isn’t
the onion okay this is the huffington post which is
sometimes almost as
funny as the onion but in a different way
anyway this is um
what they’re saying is
that there’s chemicals that are sold as bath salts
and people are taking
these and they’re getting high with them
and it’s making people like
crazy suicidal
doing naughty shit like this one guy took a skinning
knife it says
slit his face and stomach repeatedly
he survived
but other people
haven’t been
lucky as they’ve been snorting
injecting and snorting powders such as innocuous
sounding names as ivory wave
red dove and vanilla sky
so it basically turns you into some fucking homicidal
suicidal maniac
that’s crazy who was the
first person to do that yeah
right fuck yeah i mean what
what is it about people that we are so desperate
to change our
state of consciousness
so desperate to get
drunk or high or
speaking of which
you’re a fucking
drunk cast okay
i’ve been meaning to do this intervention
and do it on the air because
this is an intervention
i need to talk to the both of you
okay you can’t
drink like that that
often no we don’t you’re
gonna you’re
gonna die and you’re
gonna die on camera
you’re gonna have fucking
liver failure on camera
and that’s gonna
be a sad show we waited like ten days between the both
well you’re fine he is
motherfucking calls me
you got me sick
i got you sick dude
i saw you fucking shit face
slurring hammered
on the you stream
bottle of jager master
yeah a whole bottle of
jager master you’re blaming me for you being sick
shut the fuck up man we
both were sick yeah you both
should be sick you
crazy fucks
those are nuts
still sick so what they do is for the
folks at home that do not know
about this they do this
thing called the
drunk cast he calls it
blackout cast or drunk cast
and he’s done it a
few times and they do it sometimes they do it and they
watch the ufc
which is pretty cool
they watch the
fights and then
while the fights are
going on all
these comics are commentating on it it’s really funny
you know like joey’s over there and sam tripoli
and tebe and
well the latest
thing is they
drink a whole fucking bottle of yeager
and just get
completely sick in an hour too oh yeah
it was not like see the problem is we’ve done two the
blackout cast
which is where we take a
whole bottle and we
start going crazy
first one was the
jagermeister
bottle and we did that in like an hour
and then don’t remember the last half of it
don’t remember the next day for the
first couple
hours you know i
don’t remember anything
then the second one what
does it feel like when you
watch the video oh it’s hilarious
that one was
funny because i
can’t believe it yeah
but the last one was so bad you took it down
well i’m debating
on it because see the problem was is the ufc
drunk cast was
right before it and we got
sloshed on the
drunk cast we were
wasted at the end of the last one
and then we decided like an hour later hey
we’re still
drinking let’s do a
blackout cast it
was bad but then we were so wasted that we
we couldn’t even
think of what to
drink so we were
drinking coconut
water with vodka
we were doing just like straight
morgans that actually
was good it was really good it was actually good it was
coconut water vodka
did you do it over the rocks
yeah it was good it
took off the edge of the
vodka so it
tastes like your drink
i want it wild yeah but
we had yeager
vodka beer and captain morgan’s
and we’re drinking
all this this is
two days in a row so two days in a row you’re basically
drinking um
no cast is when no that was an hour before we
started this
black so it’s the same day
it was an hour
out podcast in the same day right
oh i thought it was the day before oh my god that’s
ridiculous no
oh you poor fuck
i don’t think we
should post it because we just got so on social
it was like
this is an impersonation of most of the
blackout one
that’s him seriously
good leave it
leave it up dude
leave it up that’s important man that’s part of the
entertainment
that’s listen that’s part of the entertainment
value you know people don’t have to watch it you’re not
forcing them you’re not
charging them for it it’s up there
leave it up there maybe i’ll put the
audio up at the videos the videos now videos
how about this how about we record we take the
video and record you guys doing commentary over
about that would be
funny yeah and we have it playing on
and then get it to a certain point where it’s like
where you just not even talking anymore
and then just start explaining things and
what was going through my head yeah
should i puke now or should i
drink can i hold it in or can i get to the bathroom you
tried puking on camera
yeah i tried there was a part
where i get a bag puking in a bag
and then she ended up puke you you
ended up licking his flashlight you
should have thrown up that was at the ufc drunk
ass she did that that was how drunk she was at the ufc
drunk ass god
i mean we really were
bad that last one i don’t know if i can
i think the secret is
starting off completely sober
and then drinking a whole bottle in an hour
or something did the pornstars
touch your flashlight
no they would they were like i’m not
going to touch that
well that’s hilarious the girls picking shit out of her
teeth with her fingernails and out
and she said i’m too
good flashlight
and then allison
kissed it oh
it’s clean right i’m not
it was clean
right yeah absolutely
listen it’s washed
but the bottom line is
well it’s like
shaking hands with a dude if you
shake hands with a dude you’re basically
touching his dick
cause every guy touches his dick
and the odds of him having washed his hands
after he touched his dick before he touches your hands
they’re like
seventy percent against
most of the times you know when you’re not around
we were always
grabbing our dicks and moving it around or
grabbing our balls like you
shake your guy’s hand you’re
touching his balls
there’s one
point in the drunk cast
which is this right
this is true
we kiss a girl you’re sucking someone’s dick
i don’t think i ever told you this this is a true
story a crazy story
so i used to work at this
mexican restaurant
and i was a waiter
and the waitresses
were there was one
18 year old waitress
like three 17 year old waitresses
they’re all fucking hot and they all had a
crush on me we need some porno music
yeah and so anyways
i started having sex with the 18 year old hostess
you know and
she back in the day she had a
party once where she
fighted all the hostesses and
so was me her and like
three other hostesses
we’re all getting wasted
drinking i bought them alcohol
cause that’s what i like to do
yeah but anyways
the party starters here
i was like how can i make out with all
these take advantage of all
these girls at the same time
and so i thought of this idea
where i took saran wrap
and i would
put it in between my
mouth and the girl’s
mouth and go if you
wanna make out
you’re not touching me so we can pretty
much make out as much as you want and it will feel real
and they were like holy shit that’s awesome
and so i would just
start making how old were you i was 18
that’s kinda
weird i was 18 and they were 18
and they fell
for this yeah 13 year old move no
it was great it’s like i would
and a couple of girls that had a little hole in the
thing that would find my tongue through and they
wouldn’t notice because it felt it feels real that’s so
gross and then i
started taking saran wrap
putting on my hands but like i
could touch your
boobs because i’m not actually
touching your
boobs oh my
it’s like a serial killer
and this is hilarious
it’s a good move yeah and so i did that we were so
drunk i started
doing that on
so but when did they
tell me more
about this move so
did girls let you do that yeah oh yeah did
they pull the
tits out all of them no
it was up the
shirt making out and up the
shirt and they were
brought it yeah
ron you just have and
you just have and what was so funny is
is that the girls
could feel when i put my hand up with the plastic on
like it was like not like half flat
like the saran wrap
wasn’t covering my hand half the
time of course
they knew that and it was just like dude this move
is awesome dirty
girl meanwhile
julian assange
is in jail for rape for way less than that right
and so then
then the one girl i was fucking
with like i went and had sex with her and whatever that
later that night
and they all the
other girls like passed out in the living room
i came out and this one girl was like
still awake
horny and she’s like
called me over we
started making out and we had sex in there
and then it
led to sex even so so you you
i think you
started a competition
by feeling up all
these girls
and being the only male
right you started a competition
right you created an unfair game
it was very
smart move is very
smart give me
a pound i was
strong so i pulled the move on allison and that’s a
little real it feels real
right it felt
completely real
hold them so
if you know
young kids out there
shouldn’t make out he’s like i’ll use saran wrap
i’m like okay so
why don’t you condom
really fucking that’s what you’re pretty much doing
like face condoms and condoms
wow pitch that’s a trojan
yeah if you had a really
strong plastic
like a really strong one
and you can put your
whole body and
cover your entire body in this
sheet of plastic sure
sure let’s try
it out look i can show you how real it feels do you
wanna make out
on on today’s
volcano bag joe how
dare you on
today’s big
thing that website
said earlier
um they have this
thing where it’s called the
creepiest man
alive and he
blows himself
up in balloons and he like sits in there and hangs out
he makes balloons
i would not say he’s a
creepiest man
alive if you
think that’s the coolest guy
alive need to get online more
it’s titled
but i’m suspicious
about the title they’re just being silly
it’s not really the creepy that
would be hilarious if
i lived in a balloon
invited girls into my balloon the best
thing ever that’s what’s called
today’s big thing
today’s big
thing calm can
never fucking keep
track all these sites are
always that’s a
good how many goddamn
sites very good one
today’s big thing
calm there’s just
when is the internet ever
gonna run out of website addresses
i don’t know because i just
start adding more dots dots dots yeah when you see
it’s always
weird when you go like dot
are you or you know like hey
are you trying to fucking
we tried to
we try to give me a
virus jack my
jack my my shit
if i look at like a russian website i go woo
like romania
i was reading this thing and
i believe it was in wired
about this one area of
romania that has like just a gigantic percentage of the
world hackers
and they’re all driving around like mercedes benz is
they’re all like young
young loudmouth kids
they just hackers
just jacking people
all these you know scams like how many times
a week do you get
you know dear sirs i need help from you
in an exchange you will
have access to my grandfather’s fortune of you know
whatever the fuck
it is and this is what i need you to do how many of
those you get
dude i got one
today that was so hilarious
it was from
microsoft xbox award
show soccer at gmail or something like that
and it says
oh my goodness you have won
the grand prize of
the microsoft word
national holiday something like that
sponsored by soccer do you have it on can you pull
it up yeah let
me see if i can
pull it up oh those
are the best
oh those are the best
i marked it adding
and they’re from nigeria yeah
i wonder if i can get that i don’t give a fuck
you’re the winner of microsoft
nigeria is the wild wild west
wild wild west but i love how they were
throwing in so many keywords
that even like if my mom saw
it she’d probably like well it is from microsoft word
you know hold on
here we go spam
shit did i delete that so it came in a spam
no it came into my
inbox but i
think i marked
it a spam so i don’t know what happens to that
check your trash i did
check it it’s not there hmm
hmm i don’t have it anymore
oh brian but i
literally just
put it on oh here it is no i got it
right here i got a
whole section i
saved my email
the wording on this
right here it goes
it’s from microsoft two thousand eleven
gmail at f fifa
world cup lottery com
it says dear winner
please check the attachment below
and it says dear winner
microsoft corporation management
worldwide are pleased
to inform you
that you are a winner of your annual microsoft word
lottery lottery
this is it twice
conducted in africa
being the host of the present fifa
world cup mega jackpot
winning program
your personal gmail address or company
email attached
to the microsoft word with serial number
you are lucky number
and you won
you therefore been approved for lump sums
of one point one
nine hundred million thousand
really yeah
payable in cash
credited to file number
bt something
from total prize
money of fifty million united
states dollars
whatever what are they asking for
it says all
participants
were selected from gmail
worldwide websites
throughout our microsoft computer ballot system
drawing from 21 000 names
blah blah blah
so what do they need you doing yeah
so then it says
there’s give some
phone numbers
and it gives some
emails which would be
great if we
could call this person
right now i’ll be hilarious
it says it must be
claimed i have to fill out this
thing in order to
avoid mistakes yeah
okay what do
you have to do what do you do you need to give
money like what do they have no it says
name address national
sex age occupation
no it looks like i
just have to call this person back and that’s when they
start asking for numbers
yeah and they probably
when they get all that information like name and
all that jazz they probably zoom
in on you then they do like an internet
search for you
and then they just start
targeting you and going
after you i like this it says lottery sponsors
chief sponsors
microsoft corporations
and then it shows
photos of all
these like pictures of people winning
state lotteries
that’s hilarious yeah it’s
ridiculous i get a
bunch of different kinds some of them that are like
they’re like
you know it’s a different kind of scan like
this is what i got the other day
i don’t know who the fuck this guy is
says is ryan
keegan i have no idea i don’t know any ryan keegans
hey how you doing
i made a trip to
london two days back god mugged at gunpoint last night
all cash credit card and
phone was stolen
i got messed
up in another country i’m stranded in london
a bitter experience
and i was hurt on my
right hand but
i think i’d be just fine
i’m sending
you this message because i don’t want anyone to panic
i want you to keep it that way for now
my return flight
leaves in a few hours
but i’m having
trouble sorting out my
hotel bills
wondering if you loan me some dollars to sort out the
hotel bills
and also take a cab to the airport
about 2 500
i’ve been to the embassy but they aren’t helping issues
i have limited
means of getting out of here so i really need your help
that’s insane
but i guess he sends this to like
you know i guess you send this to like a million people
and you get a few bites
right and all you need is a few bytes if you
could do this
with a computer if a computer can generate
a whole gigantic
email list that you can
steal from something
or buy like a lot of them i bet you can buy them
i mean there’s a
bunch of different corporations for sure
like they’ve gone on a business
and you ordered something online and they sell your
email address and they have a database they sell
their database it
just amazes me that they’re so
they’re all so
stupid sounding like
like at least go okay but let’s talk
about what we talked
about earlier
right the waitress that
wouldn’t shut the fuck up that joey diaz had to give
an air beating to
right so tell her you give me an ear beating
you took that woman
and all of a
sudden she gets this email
right i don’t
who are you
yeah where do we know each other they
should add something like hey
have you seen
black swan yet that was awesome no hey so any
you like they can make it
stuck in london man
you like microsoft word
me too anyways i need money
it’s one old retired
woman who has
alzheimer’s and she’s like oh my gosh ryan yes
and there’s a lot of
those people out there there’s a lot of little
man boys out there
too there’s a lot of people that are like children
you could take
their money
oh my god i talked to this
photographer
and he has a friend
that does this organization called project child save
where they get a bunch of
money together and this guy
flies out to
other countries and
takes back like kidnapped kids
like the movie
taken and brings them back here whoa
yeah and i guess
the government
has nothing to do with it it’s all privately
run right now
wow that is a lot of gunfire i
would imagine if you
stole like a
stolen kid from a family you’re pretty much kidnapping
but they go to re kidnapping
right that’s
scary shit that’s
that’s a good
that’s a good reality show yeah
no shit but i bet you couldn’t fault
it would be a little
conspicuous
running around with a gun in their hand
sneaking around the corner with fucking camera
and like a boom
here’s another one that i got that was
a much more
subtle one attention
how are you doing hope fine question mark
sorry for the late
email update
i want to make fast contact with mr
david doi in regards to your released project fund
and some where do you save them i save them all
i save them all i got one from the
first bank in nigeria from 2009 that i’ve saved
it’s a collector’s item listen to this
in red just listen to the first line
the first bank of nigeria
i remember that listen to this one
dear this letter is written to you in
order to change your life from today
you got me so far i am riveted
i am mr james
louis the director international remittance
department of this bank
comma my boss
comma mr jacobs no comma
just a slight space
m smith comma the
managing director ceo of this bank is now on compulsory
leave and all
power have been vested on me
to make all international payments wow
is that from nigeria
yeah it’s awesome
it’s so bad it’s like
do you even have microsoft word
motherfucker what did you run this shit through google
translate you
paintbrush and text edit
they must have just ran it through a
translation program
right they don’t know what the fuck they’re saying i
think that’s what it
is it’s been
translated like they do it millions and millions of you
know there’s a part of me that is actually
absolutely fascinated
by this because what i’m getting here right
again i’m sitting in
front of my computer
and i’m getting this
direct connection with
some fucking
guys who are
basically like gollum
from the lord of the rings
you know i mean like
think it is like some of the people in nigeria
see that somali
pirates and
all these fucking
nuts that they got me it’s a wild
crazy savage
world out there they’re just
millions and millions of
email just trying to fuck people out of
their money
that’s what
these guys are doing episode of intervention on annie
and one of the guys was getting interventioned
because he was addicted to
replying to
those kind of spam emails he blew his whole retirement
and he’d be on the
phone with africa and they’d be like we need
thirty more dollars he’s like okay i’m
right on it and he’s like
i’m not getting scammed i’m just waiting for my prize
money and his family is like
he doesn’t there’s an
intervention there’s intervention yeah
that they shouldn’t even
waste a show on that guy they
should just slap them you know like slap
them a couple times
take his internet
away that’s
not wasting
a show it’s fascinating
you know we talked
about this one guy that was
getting scammed by these
nigerian dudes and they pretended that they were a hot
chick and it was a
famous porno star
and they use her photos and this poor fucking guy
like this sad
old 60 year old man and he thought that it was real
he thought that he was really
gonna meet his queen
but what happened
this dummy flew to london 14 times
fourteen times mean for
whatever reason they
could never
quite hook up
there’s a good
website called four nineteen eater dot com
and they pretty much just
screw over all the scammers that’s oh really
whole websites
what you call
four nineteen eater dot com is it like a yell
for scammers
it’s it’s like opposite
trolling like baiting
right remember
when stan hope used to do that all the time
stan hope used to bait
child molesters i
think he read a book about it
didn’t he publish all them as a book or something
it seems like he does
did he do it for a job or no
no he did it for to be doug stanhope
that’s just how stanhope rocks it so he was
contacting these
child molesters and then
take all the
like all the fucked up shit that he
would say to them
you know pretending he was like a little kid
and they would
put it online
yeah there was a
whole website baiting
org remember that yeah
still around
i don’t think so but that 419
is awesome you got to
check that out there’s like the hall of fame
the trophy room
you know these people
yeah baiting
orgs here is it
yep this is
wil welcome to baiting
org one of the most fucked up sites on the internet
due to the mass amount of
sexual content
on this site we felt it was in everybody’s
best interest to give you the following disclaimer
and then you go in and it’s all
it’s the whole
thing is all them baiting
child monsters
it’s the fucking stanhope
stuff though if you
could find it yeah there’s a
bunch of them you can see them
there by stanhope
and they’re goddamn
genius you know i
think half of my lung
is filled with incense
you got some
crazy incense that
was huge that was like an incense log
that’s like
a fire log of incense
that’s the real
shit man i get it from the jamaicans outside of the
house of blues
it’s smoky what kind
you want man
is it too much
it’s almost like i feel like i don’t have any air
i just have
you’re like breathing and a
few hundred percent holy
suck it i’ll kill it don’t be a pussy
meanwhile you
smoke cigarettes
i know my eyes are
watering though
we’re all like
is yours do you feel it like
it feels like it’s just thick
now that you’re saying
it i’m noticing it but i wasn’t noticing it before
oh damn you
well you know what i’m trying to do man
i’ll try to recreate
what it used to be like back in the day when i
started out in the comedy clubs man and he
could just go into a smoky room and he knew that just
dark shit was
gonna happen
something about those
smoky rooms man where
you just knew no one’s taking care of their health here
this is a place of deviants that’s
right you know
that’s why i used to love smoky pool halls
pool halls used to be the best you go in
two o’clock in the morning the
place is packed and there’s
a thick cloud of cigarette
smoke yeah it’s
probably not so good for you but something
about it is just
god the worst is waking up the next day though and
smelling your clothes
oh god even
as a smoker
even as a smoker that’s disgusting
they still have one of
those in orange
county near
where i live
it’s a bar with pool
tables and stuff and you can
smoke cigarettes inside
i was having this conversation with a
buddy of mine
about those natural
cigarettes are those
things any better for you
i don’t think so they say they are it’s like vapor
and there’s no
carcinogens in it or something like in the back
here whoa whoa whoa
but it’s still tobacco
right smoking tobacco is not good for you
right well there’s no smoke
that’s correct
it’s kind of like well what are you talking
about i’m talking
about cigarettes
what do you talk
cigarettes i like
your time no
no no no natural
cigarettes i said natural
like those american
spirits things
are those better for you
they’re better for you because it
doesn’t have like the hundred
and two other chemicals in it yeah
yeah so yeah it’s better for you than
having a marble
light it is but
but i also have noticed when i
smoke those it’s like
it takes forever it’s like
i’m smoking 20 minutes instead of five minutes it
tastes like a bonfire
just it’s not it’s not the same
no it’s not
really it’s it’s not good
i like it but it’s
it feels like you’re smoking more a bonfire that’s an
interesting way to describe me like when you get like
smoke in your
mouth when you’re near a fire it’s like you cough on it
yeah it’s very
leafy and dry it’s like yeah
that doesn’t
sound good that’s not
it’s like an old song
like you barely even
you know feel like you’re smoking really
just feels calming or something i don’t
mind tobacco man i like tobacco in the form of cigars
tobacco when you like you
smoke a big cigar
especially have to have like a big meal
and have a big
cigar cigar
has to give you like a
weird buzz man if you
tried pipe what’s up
even if you’re not in like inhaling the cigar
you oh yeah yeah
yeah for sure
because you just
comes into your
blood supply
your your bloodstream through your
mouth immediately
yeah by the way
a lot of people don’t know that like anytime there’s
smoke in your
mouth it’s almost immediately in your
blood sweat
that’s when people say like
i’m not going to inhale this weed
you know you’re
still getting fucking
stoned as yeah
bill clinton you dumb
so fucking dumb
i did inhale
okay good then you didn’t get as high
right you still got high silly
you’re not getting
high on and you got bath salts pretty high yeah
so are they gonna
start recalling bath salt
yeah they’re making some bath salts illegal in ireland
right now it’s an epidemic all across the
world i wonder what it
would be like to snort mr bubble
dude this shit
the weird thing is it’s the names of it
ivory wave bliss
white lightning
hurricane charlie
chemicals can
cause hallucinations
paranoia rapid
heart rates and suicidal thoughts
it makes you attack yourself and it makes your nose
sound great
you know what your body is probably
your body’s probably so mad
that you’re such a dumb cunt that you snort bathsoles
that your body’s like oh we’re
gonna kill ourselves now all right you
wanna do this
bitch you wanna do this come on
get a knife well can’t
you get i mean you can pretty much get fucked up on
almost anything if you wanted to i don’t
think you could get fucked up to the
point where you wanna
slash your face off
i mean listen to the
things that people are doing man
they’re like attacking themselves yeah they’re
still conscious and
alive and stuff and it causes
apparently it’s super
the stimulants and
neurotransmitters in the
brain they’re saying
and this stuff
mdpv and methadrone
are made in the lab and they aren’t
regulated because they’re not
marketed for
human consumption
so these things are in
these bath salts
how the fuck is this
stuff in bath salts that’s like
you’re taking a bath with crank
like this is what you’re doing
you’re taking a bath with pcp
then why was that
in there i don’t know isn’t it just supposed to be salt
what the fuck is
going on it trips your
pores open and it you know gets in there and
squashes around yeah
it causes intense cravings for it and they’ll binge
on it for three to four days
before they show up in an er
and even though it’s a horrible trip they want to do it
again and again
it’s incredibly addictive
wow this is nuts
twenty five
states have received calls
about exposure
including nevada and california
louisiana leads with the
greatest number of calls at a hundred and
sixty five a hundred and
sixty five fucking people
i need to go to bed bath and beyond tonight seriously
wow this is
crazy might as well try it before they recall it they
should at least
stock up on it this
is really nuts
florida has 48
different calls
or 38 different
calls it’s like the highest demanded drug now soap
cast that’s a
strange strange thing
that all of a
sudden they figure out that they can
smoke it’s almost like you like
found another hole in the system
like people
wanna get high so bad
you know oh we
found this new shit
hundreds of people are doing this this is
crazy wow and
apparently it’s
not something you do recreation it’s not like
i tried it i didn’t like it
you know really do it you get
crazy a face
slashing zombie
this is nuts man
i wonder if you
could like just
do a little bit less of it and not turn into a face
slashing zombie
maybe they’re
just doing way too much you know like
whoa here it
is shots this is what they’re saying the problem grew
in rural mississippi
after a law
began restricting the sale
of pseudo f
ephedrine the key ingredient
in making methamphetamine
sudafedrine
yeah sudafedrine
so when they stopped
selling that stuff
restricting the
sale of it they couldn’t get meth anymore so they got
crazy and then they
tried this shit
this is worse than meth
oh my god this
is something that’s fucking up meth heads
like they used to just be meth heads
and then they
started doing bath salts and cutting
their faces off i want to hear
about the kids who
tried it who
started this
phenomenon you know i don’t
think it was
kids were they
yeah i bet it wasn’t kids really
yeah you know that
never happened
i bet there’s some fucking
crazy guy like in that
breaking bad show
there was some some
some sort of a scientist character and he realized that
bath salts will fuck you up too
so just started giving them to people
that’s possible but you can’t even corner that
market if you tell them it’s bath salts right
so they must have held them at gunpoint
to get the secret
so listen man just bath salts
this is the
greatest fucking
crack of all time man
give me the shit i’m taking over the
world listen to
go just can
you imagine
getting to the
point remember when you used to get
those things for christmas
where it was
like a bag of bath salts you know it was like a
decorative item
given to you by a
like have you seen them
it looks like a snowball
yeah yeah it’s like
right and that’s
gonna be like your
eight ball is one of those
things yeah
wow there aren’t they aren’t
regulated that’s the real problem
meanwhile they just made fucking five methoxy
dimethyltryptamine illegal they made it
super illegal now you
can’t get it anywhere if you have it you’re in trouble
that shit used to be able
you still buy it online
trip to me yeah
five methoxy
dimethyltryptomine
which is like the most potent
form of dmt
you should be able
to buy it online yeah you can buy a jug of it and just
get blasted on it to the end of time
oh my god now it’s a
schedule one
yeah now it’s
right there with marijuana
yeah used to be able to just buy it it’s weird
and then someone figured out like hey you can
get really high off this shit you just buy it online
that’s pretty
silly if you
if you get caught with acid you go to jail forever
you know not forever but
you get caught with anything anything like acid
if you get caught with any kind of acid
you know anything where they
think you’re doing that or you’re making your
own drugs that’s even crazier than mushrooms or pot
because what are you doing you’re
synthesizing a chemical
specifically
for the purpose of getting people fucked up
like you’re a special case
you’re in a fucking
you know you got like rubber
gloves and shit in a lab coat on and you’re in your
bathtub and you’re making enough acid to get like a
whole state high
you can make a
you can make enough
acid in your bathtub to get like a million people
on that’s accidentally
splashing it on your arm oh my god
it took me five years to make this ass because
every time i
would like to splash it
die for like two
months listen
i met this girl a couple years ago and she told me
that she has this friend who like obviously
went crazy moved
away to a different state
but she got pulled over by the cops and had a
whole vial of acid on her
and she drank
oh my god what
and she tripped for like 60 days and fucking like
split town and like it’s been a weirdo ever
since i never met
the girl oh my god
she she drink it
why won’t you just pour it on the
ground on the carpet
right yeah she’s
ridiculous all of a
sudden her car just
starts going dun dun dun dun
terrible car
comes a life and becomes a
transformer
wow i’ve heard stories
about people that’s the number one drug that i’ve
heard stories
about people losing their shit on yeah
just breaking
you know just
see ya broke it
broke it i think i think acid
in any like any
psychedelic even dmt i think if you do it
a certain amount of times you’re probably not
gonna be the same as before i knew what
dude did it a hundred times and he totally became crazy
just was doing dmt all the time to the
point where when he
would do dmt
the dmt entities
would talk to him and go do do do you
gotta stop coming here joe settle
settle the fuck down
killing our
buzz man dmt
when you have a dmt
experience like
a lot of it
is marked by communication with whatever the fuck it is
it could be
that you’re communicating with some
other part of your consciousness
that you don’t normally have access to or it
could be the
great beyond like this well of souls or it could be
aliens in another dimension you’re
communicating with something
whatever it is is really just speculative
but this guy when he
would go over
there the dmt whatever he was connecting to was
going do do do do stop
stop smoking dmt
every day this is crazy
funny when the dmt
spirits are actually
annoyed with you come on dude
you come here all the time when
you fucking eat my food
stinky feet are on my couch
yeah the fuck bro get it together
that’s funny
yeah you know man
until they figure out a way
to let people do whatever the fuck they want with
their bodies
do whatever the fuck you want
you’re gonna always have
a gang of different drug problems
what people are afraid of though is that when you
start making
everything legal
well then kids
could get a hold of it and everyone
could get addicted and
that is definitely true you do run
those problems
you do run a chance of there being a little bit of a
spike once it becomes
initially legal
you you gonna have to let people learn
you have to
raise your kids and tell them to
never do that shit
you have to
be around other people that raise
their kids and tell them you know don’t do math it’s
gonna kill you don’t do heroin it’s bad for you
you could smoke pot it’s not
gonna hurt you if you
drink let me know i want to be there
i want to let you know i want to make sure you don’t
drive home drunk
people can navigate
their way through a lot of different
substances in the society if you just allowed us to
but as soon as you
start making shit illegal and restricting
the access to
a bunch of different
things people
can’t figure out what’s good and what’s bad
that’s why there’s a lot of people that
think that mushrooms will fuck your mind up you
know smokepot
you’re become a lazy
piece of shit
why because they don’t have access to it
if everybody had access to it
especially weed
if everybody had access to weed
we would all
think of it the same way that
stoners think of it
stoners pretty much universally
look at pot and say well it’s very
beneficial to me it calms me down it gives me
perspective it makes me silly
and then there’s
the medical uses for it all i mean it’s like
universal amongst the people that use it
well how come the
other people don’t
share that opinion
it’s because they’re not using it
it’s really that simple
people that are anti pot
it’s possible that you have some
weird reaction to pot
in which case i
would say hey don’t do it
you don’t have to do it
i guarantee you if you’re not doing it and you’re
describing what it is you don’t know yeah or they have
like a mom or
a dad or brother that was like lazy as shit
while they smoked weeds they’re like oh no everybody
is like that
i totally witnessed
that and i’m
like no it’s not like that your brother’s fucking lazy
yeah they don’t see enough ambitious
stoners out there i know
people don’t understand
it will give you a different perspective and it
might not necessarily
be a better perspective but it’s good to look at
things a different way all the time
every now and then
rather you know if you looking at things the
exact same way you can get
locked into sort of a mental pattern
where you think that
things make sense
you know and then you need like a good
good really fucking
a good real good bake session
where you just
completely float away
you know when you and your friends
are sitting around like me how many times we had
these conversations like special like
after shows
where we just
completely barbecued like eating dinner
and we’re all just like
breaking down the universe or
figuring out life or
just having these
these conversations
where you almost
can’t get there on your own
there’s some conversations that
you get to when you’re high and you’re like man i don’t
think i can take responsibility for this conversation
i don’t think i ever
would have got here if i wasn’t high
you know absolutely
of course a lot of
those conversations are not as cool as they
would be and they’re just talking
about how fritos
would be good in
a peanut butter and
jelly sandwich
you know now i
like i like
those talks as really really nice marijuana driven
talks because you can’t get that when you’re hammered
no you know you don’t
it’s more like
a good a good
stoner conversation not a dumb one but
a good one you know everybody’s kind of in that groove
man you figure out a lot of shit in
those conversations
the knicks squirts and have a jaguar
i don’t know what kind of guy
they just put on tmz
that he somebody
stole his jaguar last week outside the improv
on a friday night
well but it happens
or he’s just
trolling tmz
do you think you
would troll
tmz i don’t
see him having it he
didn’t have you can’t say that you got your car stolen
they can find that out pretty easy it’s like a felony
unless they’re that lazy
well not the felony to tell
tmz a lie what if
the cops be behind it
no not if you just telling tmz
oh i guess if
tmz you just
could say whatever yeah
yeah you can say whatever the fuck you want
those cunts
the whole the fucking
jim norton over this weekend i saw jim norton at
cap city comedy club when i was in austin
i was down in austin for the
fight for the
troops and i had friday off so i went to cap city
and norton had some of the funniest fucking jokes
on tiger woods
my god he was killing
me and mel gibson he was fucking killing me dude
really really funny shit
putting out with him
after yeah yeah yeah we went out to eat and club soda
kenny was there
and chris chris from the flusher
joe yeah he’s a good guy
and but it was just it was so fun and refreshing
and right when i
think that like i always start
thinking that
maybe i have too many dick jokes
like why is my sense of
humor so juvenile
like it’s always like
someone sucking dicks
heard some dick goes in there or you know
whatever it just becomes
a dick joke
somewhere or another i mean time machine jokes
become dick jokes
right just i have a really juvenile
sense of humor
and i was like
maybe there’s a problem with that like
i know that’s what i like
but maybe i
should expand
let me try like
relax and then i saw norton and
every other joke was a dick joke
and i fucking howled all the way through
like literally
every other joke
and we had a conversation
about i go you like gave
me like positive affirmation like sometimes i worry
that i have too many dick jokes oh i
never think
about that and i was
thinking about that
he goes that’s what i
think about i’m
a sick fucking person
he’s funny man he was really
funny it was refreshing
it’s good to see you know when
we work all the time it’s like i don’t get to see like
a full headliner set it’s like real
rare that i get to see someone in a comedy club working
and just be an audience
member and sit down there
so it was cool man it was fucking i was howling
but here’s a
weird thing man
there was these two
local comics that were watching
and the fucking he was killing okay
norton was fucking killing
and these two guys were
watching like this
hater dead faced
just totally dead face
and i was like wow that’s
weird like you don’t
think this is fuck
i was crying laughing
you know at certain
points i mean just really
well crafted jokes
really funny had this been
about tiger woods
about i don’t want to do it i don’t want to fuck it up
i don’t want
to paraphrase it i don’t want to ruin it but
i was crying
i was fucking crying i looked over
these guys are
stone faced
haters well
that is haters well it’s
also they’re trying
they’re probably fascinated
like it’s a big deal to be working with a big name
jim norton’s a big name national act you know
right so then
they get to work with them then they’re judging
their own performance
against his
and trying to
think if they’re better than
him so much
jealousy with comedy
especially the
the guys that are like i
could do better than this person
well there’s a lot of guys that are just
starting out
or they’ve been doing it for a couple
years that for some reason they feel like your success
takes away from
their success and they
should have more
success than they do
very weird thing man
to be a person that wants to be on
stage with your
voice amplified and a spotlight on you
you gotta be fucked up
and i’m talking as one of them and i’m talking to two
other ones you guys are both
comics you know you both do
stand up you know you
gotta be fucking crazy
to want to do that
and so a lot of
these people they’re
so desperate to even out
their life they’re so desperate to finally get some
success it’s
so desperate to put it all together and have the big
picture in front of them and
finally move on past this disaster of a
childhood that
they want to
claim ownership of
their life so they get
super hyper ambitious
i’ve met people who are like
you know i hate
stand up i just get up on
stage because it’s challenging for me but i hate it
every second of it and i’m like that’s kind of strange
who says that they just suck
i know she says that
you can’t be good and say that you have to suck
it’s just period
except steve martin
steve martin didn’t like
stand up in the end
you know usually
it was too easy for him
apparently and he was awesome you know let’s get small
that’s some fucking great shit
like i remember when the jerk came out
steve martin was hilarious johnson navin are
sounds like a typical bastard
fun shit man he was funny
funny comedian man
but he just
it got too crazy
he was so big
that everything he said got laughs and
he lost perspective and
he stopped doing it
he was so good
he had to stop
i don’t know man
he was such a letdown for me because i was such a huge
steve martin fan what was the letdown
it was just you know that part like around
sergeant bilco years where he just
kind of lost
the part that was funny to me
about him it’s like
i can’t really tell what it is
i can tell you exactly what it is
just age i guess
it happens to all of them it happens to almost everyone
it’s very difficult to maintain a sense of humor as
first of all as your body starts to decay
and second of all as you
have all these relationship problems
which they always do
you just have these
fantastic weddings that turn into
bitter divorces their
spirits start dying
and then you
wonder well this is it i’m here already and now i’m
like 45 or something like that and i’m a
movie star and i’m making all this
money and i don’t even
enjoy myself and i don’t
even enjoy the product and what is
funny anymore
and when you’re not doing stand up
when you don’t have that immediate
for me at least i
would not be confident in whether or not what i
think is funny
i know that
i know how to make things
funny i know what
things are funny and aren’t
funny because i do
stand up so much
so it’s like
you become like
immersed in the language of comedy
but when you’re removed from that
completely removed
from the idea or the act of creating the comedy
and then producing and then putting on
stage and then performing it
and then honing it and then
sharpening up the bits
and you learn
things from
that like oh that was way better when i did it this way
cause i got to it
quicker and the people
understood it better
you become immersed in the language of comedy
you stay good you stay good
but when they stop doing comedy
man they stop writing comedy and they just sort of like
just act in
movies for a while like
you just you
might as well be living on mars
motherfucker
you’re not even living with people
you’re walking around
in a plastic bubble and people are getting you know
bagels and locks at the
craft service
table and you pulling up in a ferrari and
complaining
because there’s an up
knock in it
piece of shit haha
you know you go in a set and you get makeup put on you
no they’re fucking fitting a hair
piece to you to make your hair look big and thick
yeah i mean that’s what what kind of a weird
world is that
and you’re walking
down the carpet and that’s your interaction with humans
your interaction with
humans is on the set
and people serving
you and then your next project and it’s always this
weird relationship
where you’re a star
and they’re the
underlings and they all need to keep you
happy to keep
their job and
so everyone’s like
super supportive and you don’t
even know what the fuck is up and what’s down you just
drunk all the time and fucked up on pills
you know you don’t even know
lose yourself it’s the reason why so many of
these guys become
completely insane
you know that
world that the idea of living like that is just you
gotta be out of your fucking head
one of the most frustrating
things ever when i
first moved to hollywood was just dealing with actors
you know guys who’d have done it
their whole lives and guys who had
been involved in the business for just decades and just
be dealing with them like
you aren’t even fucking real
you know you’re so
odd and fake and everybody’s fake and
it’s like everybody accepts that everyone’s
fake no one’s calling anybody out on any of this
the behavior is so strange you know everybody’s pompous
and she does a lot of
extra work and
so she’s always on sets with like
like she was on set the
other day with was that guy’s name
the rapper l
cool j and cool j and
stuff like that did you ever have any like
crazy stories of like
working with some of
these people because you
okay this is funny
ll cool j is
walking around i didn’t know who it was someone
pointed it out
you don’t know who
ll cool j is i didn’t know what he looks like i’ve only
heard him i
never looked at his
picture what was the other
thing that you didn’t know
that we were talking
about she doesn’t know a lot of
stuff which is
kinda cool you
didn’t know
something yesterday that was really
weird though
oh you didn’t know
about the howard stern show
you didn’t know who robin was
that there was howard
stern oh yeah
that to me is
she doesn’t know a lot of
things like you go do you
know this tv show and she’s like what cosby show that
doesn’t make
sense i would
think that you
would be able to
most people
would be able to name who
robin quivers was and howard
and know that
is hurt more people
would know that than
know who was president before clinton
yeah but you know nowadays howard
stern she’s 22
you know she
still she missed the big howard
stern really
yeah i mean
yeah the point okay because he was on
satellite radio
when you were like in high school
right yeah okay that makes
sense you know
right wow still seems insane
yeah so what
about oh anyway go
ahead lo cool j
so you didn’t know who el cool
jay is like a child
i didn’t know what
lo cool j looked like
but someone
pointed him out to me and he’s
going up all
on set all around like the girls and he’s like
hey ladies how you doing rubbing
their shoulders
he’s like yeah you looking good what you doing i’m not
i’m looking at him do this and i’m like this guy is
ridiculous like
he’s walking around like he owns the
place touching all
these like young girls and they’re like haha
and i’m like you better not
touch me something you can
use like your ll
cool j credit just to be like hey ladies
i just thought it was like kind of the douchiest
thing hmm but
were you hating because
he didn’t come rub on you oh no what am i a psycho
do the girls not like it
no the girls were into it i’m
looking at and i’m like that’s so unreal
like he just walking around like but if
they liked it what’s the problem
if they liked it and he liked doing it
yeah i don’t
know it’s just it’s odd you thought that he was
gonna do it to you that’s why it was
weird no it’s just
weird that he does it because he’s
ll cool jay
cause a regular
guy who’s not his
status wouldn’t walk around like yeah
right right
but he is ll
cool j right
yeah that’s what she’s saying
is weird it’s
but it’s not a normal person is walking up
is it is he
using that credit if the girls actually like it
that’s where it gets tricky
if they actually like him doing that is he
using it or is it
no no she’s not even saying that she’s just saying it’s
weird seeing somebody act like that in
general i don’t give a shit
what they do
right i totally
agree with you but
if they like it
is it still weird
like if i saw that it
would be weird
if i saw some guy walking around
going hey what’s up baby oh
give me a kiss
it was good
but why would we
judge this if he’s
enjoying it and they’re
enjoying it
you know i’m
saying it’s one
thing if you
came up to you and you were like okay this is fucking
i just came here to work
all right i don’t want to be
weirded out by some
cult of personality
but that be me being like
prissy then no that’s not you
no no that’s not you being prissy
no i just someone
should not violate your
space like if
you know if that was like
if you were there or
you know you’re dating a guy and he’s
right next to you know cool j did that that
would be disrespectful
right yeah of course right
well that then
it’s disrespectful even if your boyfriend’s
not there you’re not supposed to go up to someone just
start touching them
you know you gotta
he’s gotta know that you like him
first or there’s
gotta be some
communication
going hey can i rub your
shoulders you can’t just go up and
start rubbing people’s
shoulders but that’s what he was doing i know and
they liked it
that’s the problem
that’s like the clinton move and clinton
would just pull his dick out on girls did you know
clinton used to do that
now yeah dude he did it a
bunch of times
which is hilarious
cause it’s like a frat boy move
like clinton
would be alone with
chicks and just pull his dick out
and people would go how
could he do that i’ll tell you how he
could do that
cause it worked
right it probably worked
80 of the time
you know it probably
worked even more than that he’s fucking bill clinton
i bet if he felt a
thing he felt
the green light i’m
gonna go for it
i bet he whipped out his dick and like 80
of the time it was a home run
but it was those
the awkward 20
that would just it would just
crash into the woods like he misread them or
they just got so offended that he
would do that that they just
flipped over the
other way you know whatever the fuck it is but
he would rock that all the time that’s what he
would do just pull his dick out
what’s your hatred
of hot chicks
but hold on a second
i’m not finished there
so that’s like what l cool’s doing
he’s doing a very mild version of pulling his dick out
he’s just going for it yeah i guess so
so if you’re with a guy
right and you
really attracted the guy and he pulls his dicks out
his dick out and you just go for it
i’d be like what do you
think i am like
yeah i’m an animal
but what if you’re
really into him if you’re really into the guy
it’s possible right
if i was a chick it depends
if it’s a perfect situation
the perfect circumstance the guy pulls his dick huh
you gotta go
what the hell
i think there’s a difference though if like
really liking lol
cooljay cause he’s
a celebrity and liking his rap and then
thinking okay now he has his dick
kick out wait
okay we’re not talking
about l cool j
that was the president
this is a different story
we’re mixing up our metaphors
but i think i totally
agree with you i
would think it would be
gross too but
if they like it and he likes it
then it’s a
match made in set heaven
yeah set heaven
there you go yeah well you know i mean i bet
a lot of girls that come on the show just to meet him
you know a little cool
jazz a suck symbol
right a lot of those
freaky bitches they probably come on
shore they probably act as
extras just to meet lol
oh i can’t believe you
right there oh my goodness
it’s probably mostly
forty year old
women down thirty year old
woman really
i don’t know
young girls
going oh my god lol
you’re crazy he’s a stud
he’s a star really
he’s twenty two years old
right here built like a linebacker
you probably
you might think like girls
think that that sexy but i’m like i see
a 45 year old
man who’s probably
married i don’t know
but he just looks like a man like
he looks like
a normal man but he’s not
he’s not sexy
okay l cool j is sexy
if i was a chick i
would find him very sexy
he’s built he’s got fucking workout books was on the
cover completely shredded
you’re hating my oh cool jake
theory is starting to become correct
what is the
ll cool j theory
i don’t know this is the second time we’ve talked
about ll cool j and then you’ve defended his
honor so i’m thinking well because i
think you’re in well with ok
i probably wouldn’t want to hang out with the dude but
i defend his right to be cocky
he’s hello cool j pulled it off
you know plus he’s
a rapper rappers have to be cocky that’s part of the
sport yeah i don’t know if it’s just me it’s
attractive to know
a guy is physically fit
and has like physical fitness
but it’s not like hot all because they’re like muscular
bill that’s all that’s all you everybody’s different i
think everybody is different
i was talking last
night there’s a lot of girls a lot of guys like fat
chicks like a big bitch
big fat ones we have friends
we have this one fan he’s not happy
those are girls just
30 40 pounds overweight he likes it
he likes them jiggly and barely hanging into their
clothes for whatever reason it turns him on
and he’s a skinny guy
hmm just this
thing hmm hmm
i think it’s a
smell that they give off that
some certain people just like that fucking
like food right
like pheromones
right like like like it’s like a difference between
sweaty butt and thigh
and mixed with
old hamburgers that turns people on yeah maybe you know
what i think it is
honestly i think it’s your first sexual experience
you know you know a really hot
sexual experience with a fat girl and you beat your
brain becomes imprinted to sexuality being attracted
maybe that happens to some people
that is kind of interesting that means i would like
brown hair girls with big boobs
brown haired girls with big boobs
that was your first yeah
tell us more
do you do you get that
do you have like a specific type no i don’t not at all
not at all not crazy
pretty much is what i look for nowadays
not crazy and not crazy yeah
what percentage of girls that you’ve dated have been
crazy most of them 90 yeah
interesting
what do you do you think girls are crazy allison
you’re around a lot of chicks
you think the majority of your friends are to
blame and that they’re like the
crazy person
a lot of the girls i’m friends with they’ll be like
so i have an issue with
my boyfriend but i
think i’m just not gonna tell him and like
see if it will go away without me telling him but i’m
gonna act mad at him next time i see him
alright so here’s the question why
would you do
that here’s a question when you’re around a
bunch of people and you keep
having relationships like this over and over and over
again when you’re with
crazy people you have all
these problems
how do you stop that
how do you reset
and how do you
somehow another move forward without all this
bullshit in your life how do you do that
um i tried to like most most of my
crazy ass bitches i
tried to remain
friends with them and have some kind of cool
level with them where
i it makes yourself kind of heal that way to think
okay this person’s fucking
crazy but i
could still be friends with this
crazy bitch you know
right but i’m saying how do you move
forward in your own life and stop this from happening
stop this pattern from a people how do i stop dating
crazy bitches
become gay obviously
start sucking dick a little cool j look me up
where you at
where you at girl
that was a sad
sad sad answer
i think the
answer is you
don’t have an answer no no i really don’t have
an answer i mean how do you have an answer you can’t
i mean look at alison psycho mcgui’s over there she’s
about to snap look at her
yeah are you
about to snap
some of those those
uncomfortable moments in the drunk cast
especially the first one
when you guys were hanging on each
other i’m like wow
do you really want this out there man
why because you’re so
silly it was
like it felt like
dirty i was like it was like a voyeur
like i was in
you know not just
a voyeur but
like i was watching two people in a living room
hanging out and they were
drunk and they were being
silly together like gosh oh my gosh i shouldn’t be here
that’s great
with the gym pants on
no i never had
pants on well that’s
probably what the main reason was you shouldn’t be
watching us i walk around
naked like a caveman bro one of
my good friends i grew up with i’ve known him
since we were like ten
he says he was
watching it and he’s like honestly
i got like kind of uncomfortable feeling as i was
watching it
people actually said
yeah you know
why because he wants to fuck you that’s what’s up
what me dude oh that
dude yeah you got
uncomfortable you know why you got uncomfortable
cause it was me
it’s just i’m
not the guy i was when i was younger and she don’t know
you don’t know me
i’m just like i thought you were gay
you thought he was gay
i did when we were like
kids but he
has a girlfriend and he has a
girlfriend but he does have a
thing for you huh
he said it once
and i was like there you go
i was like get the fuck out of my room
oh really what happened
i’m all high and i’m trying to go to bed
and he was living with me
and he comes to my he was living
with me whoa here’s your roommate
yeah cause his parents got kicked him out of the
house did you ever find like loads in your
shoes or anything like that
is how that was
no he comes
in my room and he’s like hey allison sit in my little
chair like this next to my bed
and i’m like hey what’s going on
like so i’ve been
thinking like if we
weren’t such good friends
i would fuck you
and i was like get the fuck out of my room whoa yeah
and that’s it we
never brought
it back up i brought it back up a couple weeks
later and i was like you
wanna fuck me and he’s like no i don’t
he’s making
fun of you were making fun of him saying you
wanna fuck me
oh what a friends awesome
what a confidence
booster awesome having you around
spread you didn’t jump out of a fucking window and i’ll
never get it wow
well you know how old was he at the time
we were nineteen yeah
last year you don’t know what the
fuck last year
eighteen nineteen yeah
many months yeah okay bro
thirty fucking
two and a half years
seventeen hundred days
yeah not that much really when you
think about it
two and a half years ago you were the same guy was i
when you’re like
twenty two though
different fucking
world if you knew me and
22 you’d be so
scared of me or two and a half years before that right
yeah were you
crazy back then uh
i was crazier and
when i was the hippie probably just because i was
fucked up we were talking
about earlier we were talking about
jersey shore
like could you imagine if you had a
video a cameras
following you around back when you were at that
stage no you
would come off so douchey
yeah oh my god so gross
even when i was 18 i used to like
think i was invincible
i went through that
whole stage
where i’m like yeah i don’t need to wear my seatbelt
all that other bullshit oh really i
gotta get a motorcycle
kinda yeah and then
you get out of that
stage and you’re like what was i doing have you
never been hurt before i have
i got hurt a
bunch of times as a kid so i
never had that feeling i
broke my arm when i was six i
snap like a like snap my forearm into
where i was like hanging off it was
fucking creepy
it was like a big
dent in the
middle of my forearm and like my hand was like the
wrong you know
it was like
hanging like folded it’s like traumatizing
yeah it was really bad it was a bad break yeah
they didn’t have to put
plates in it
though they just set it somehow or another you
should hear this car accident
she was in man really fucking
you wanna talk
about that about
her boyfriend and her wearing a
how old were you
um i was 15
seat belt or no seat belt seat belt
okay and i was in the back seat got
my best friend the girl who actually said i wasn’t a
woman of god
she went crazy from this
what happened
really from this from this accident
you could have included that when you were telling us
how nutty she was now it’s good
cause i can relate it oh okay
okay so she’s sitting on my right
or whatever my left my boyfriend at the time is on my
right there’s a guy driving
and we’re going down the road
and we’re gonna go to this
haunted house
so he makes like a u turn and
winds up hydroplaning and we hit a tree
going like fifty five
miles an hour oh
and i wake up
covered in blood oh
everyone had a
pretty much get cut out of the car and my boyfriend
was pronounced dead
but he lived but was in a coma for two
months and had
brain surgery all because my
cheekbone hit his temple
and it’s like severed an artery
and his brain got pushed over to the side
and the other kid was pronounced dead but
lived but he’s like kind of
brain damaged he’s okay now though
and then my best friend who
obviously was okay
next to me but she got a concussion and
after that she was like i’m a
woman of god
oh really so
i yeah the next day i’m
i’m in the hospital and the guy comes in and he goes
alice and i
wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t bad news
but one of the guys aren’t
gonna make it through the
night i was like oh
great there’s my boyfriend and i is um
like eleventh
month anniversary
that day so it was like really fucked up
then i go to the hospital finally to go see him and
they were reading him his last
rites cause they were
gonna loan his
organs out wow
but he lived and he was
kinda like slow
for a while
but now he’s totally fine
he’s not the same person before the accident but
well he has
a big indent of your face on his face yeah
he has this big
like scar all the way to here and all because like my
cheekbone was just like smash damn
god damn yeah that was nuts but
hydroplaning is
scary as fuck man
those old shitty cars
my first car was a
sixty eight four four two
my first car my
first car was a seventy
three chevelle
my first car that was like
worth more than ten dollars
was a 68 44 2 it was an
old hot rod
and it had a
400 cubic inch engine it was like way too much
power for a retard like me you know i was like 16
maybe 17 at the time
and i hydroplane
right in front of my school
i just had bald tires the tires just
weren’t that good and there was a lot of
water on the ground and the car slid sideways and
slammed into a fucking telephone pole and a tree
broke the car in half
what happened to you
nothing nothing was fun
and the crazy thing is
me and the two dudes i was driving with were fun
we weren’t going that fast
it was just a shitty car
just fucking old
you know and it
you know if you hit the tree like that with a new car
today it wouldn’t do nearly as much damage
but that car just
broke in half it was just kind of old and
the frame wasn’t good i guess
but i hit it
pretty good i mean i hit it pretty decent but
i wasn’t even
going that fast man i was just
just those old
cars they just they have no control of them they
suck man the
brakes sucked oh
remember how long it used to take
oh my god i had a skylark a 1970 skylark
and you would
you have to like be really careful with the brakes
you have to
be really careful with stopping like stop way
earlier than you
think cause you but come on come on come
on come on come on you fuck come on come on come on
like every time you stop it was like an ordeal
you know you like have a new car
today man with disc brakes
abs and shit you
yeah technology brother technology
someday they’re
gonna be making fun of people for driving around
they like remember when people how to like
get in their car and
drive places
when people had to wake up and go outside when the
mail when the mail teleport bro you’re
gonna be able to teleport you’re
gonna be able to
move like the mailman when is that
gonna go out of business
that’s very soon that’s like
five years i
would say i
still send things and buy
things and get
things ordered by mail and send
i have to send
checks in and stuff
it’s gonna be so
unpractical
soon well the problem is when you have no paper
you have no fucking you know it’s like
things are getting
weirder and
weirder at one
point in time
money used to represent gold
right used to represent
your this 100 dollar bills worth 100
worth of gold
well it doesn’t really
mean that anymore now it’s like
you just have
confidence that this 100
is worth 100
and what happens if it’s all just numbers
like if you don’t even have paper
you’re constantly looking at computer
screens those
screens are telling you what your numbers are and
where are these numbers located
are they somewhere
are they even fucking real
and then the economy becomes so
transparent and so elusive and
and it becomes too fucking strange
you know i think we need some physical form we need
money we need
paper money
you know we
still need that shit we need something to just
cling us to the idea that
money is a real thing
and when it all just becomes
zeros and ones and zeros and then just people just
start jacking each
other for their ones and zeros and
adding ones and zeros
where they don’t belong and
it’s fucking it’s not good man
it’s like all the shit that’s going down
you know all the
money that goes
to iraq and afghanistan and how much of its missing
like all that the halibut and scams and scandals
it’s fucking billions
billions of dollars missing
yeah they don’t know
where it is
they’ll find it did something
and lately the u2
bono’s organization read
do you know
about all this
it’s supposed to be for aids in africa
66 percent of the
money is stolen
they don’t know
where the fuck it went
people are stealing
from bono’s and
helping aids organization people just suck
jake the stealing is
going on over there or around here question i don’t
think they’ve isolated it yet
you know could have easily be
going on in africa
yeah i mean how can you put it past africa
right one for you one for me that
documentary of iberia how they had to get out of there
cause they heard that the guys had money
so the guys were
filming i had to get out were you talking about the
vice guide to
liberia we talk
about that on the podcast almost every week
really because it’s so fucking
crazy if you have not seen it
folks please get it
you said it’s on netflix
right yeah netflix
streaming yeah
um how do we get into this conversation
we’re talking
about project red
oh the the scam
you know the
the billions of dollars missing this is you to sky
bono’s fucking organization and then the the
haliburton shit how much
money is missing there
if halburton was like one guy
they would never be able to get away with that
you know it was one person it’s like
where’s like
you’re missing billions
where is it
i don’t know
i know it’s gone
but because the corporation
you know it’s like you
could you could be missing billions
but the weird thing is
they get to vote
like a person
like in these they get to use
money like a
person and make donations like a person like one of
the most recent yeah
one of the most recent
findings or supreme
court rulings was that corporations had the same
rights as an
individual so they could donate
money like an
individual can donate like whatever you want
which is ridiculous
so vermont is the first
state to step up and deny that vermont is the first
state they recently
announced that they are knowing not going to
allow corporations to behave as a as a
human being
and that they’re
gonna judge them
in a different way so it’s kind of interesting you know
it’s interesting that one state
finally has the balls to step up
you know vermont is a
weird state it’s always been like real kind of hippie
you know kind of like ben and
jerry’s grateful deadish and
it’s not that many people up there
you know it’s nothing
where that bob dole guy came from not bob dole the
other guy the guy that was the
guy he was running for president john carrie
no no no the guy was running for president and then he
screamed too much and they
fucking cunt
you don’t know his name but
it turned to you i’m trying to
search i’m like
searching my
brain nothing
i don’t remember his name god damn it
he was a really
articulate guy
i’m sure someone
on twitter will tell me almost immediately
he was a really
articulate guy
but for whatever reason he did this one
speech where
while he was doing a
speech fucking homeboy
started yelling
just to like
it was just like he
excited then we’re gonna
you know then we’re
gonna take over new york and i’m
gonna take over california
oh my god it was like at a rally
and he didn’t realize you know that the microphone
you know when you
think you’re
screaming and yelling
you know and you
think that the
sound of the
crowd is like
you’re at the same level the
sound of the
crowd so you can’t even hear your own voice
the microphone’s
right in front of his face
so the microphone was only picking him up
so it sounded like
extra completely crazy
all right someone will tell me on the message
board please
because i know you fuckers know whose name is
sixty six percent of bono’s money
howard dean
thank you sir mr denizen
he came up with it that’s the dude’s name
howard dean i believe he was the governor of vermont
so it’s a freaky little fucking state
but they stepped
up and said that corporations aren’t people
you fuckheads
will that help
no not unless you move to vermont
do you want to move to vermont no
yeah vermont no my friend
shane lived at night and there was
points where it was snowing so bad that he had to like
drive through
tunnels just you know like they had to
he was stuck at his
house for weeks at times
oh yeah oh yeah
that’s normal fuck that yeah vermont’s no joke
you can’t be
traveling on the road as much as we do in living room
on so that’s out right
there was one
other thing that i want to talk
about before we get out of here
but i don’t remember what it is
um got anything brian um
yeah did you guys hear yeah i think i already told you
but flavor flavor has a new chicken
he’s selling chicken now and
it’s hilarious it’s called flavor flavors
fried chicken
i want it and it’s in i believe iowa
and if you gotta google it
just google
search that
and just look at the advertising for it just
one it doesn’t even look like flavor flavor
flavor flames
fried chicken this is
him mixed with
chicken wings
there’s a lot of people love chicken and iowa
hilarious i guess so
there is stuff
flavor flavors one of
those dudes just always
gonna kind of be around
yeah you know
yeah you don’t hear
about chuck d anymore you
never hear about professor griff
you know here
about other members
yeah you know
terminator x
where’s terminator x bro i don’t know
i don’t know but flavor flav
did you watch the flavor flavor show where
they were trying to get him a
girlfriend yes
and the one girl who shit on the
stairs yes that was so fucking you
see that i didn’t see that
part brian yes there um
what happened she passed out and she shitted on the
stairs or something like that something like that
so she shit
and it went
wound up on
stairs or she yeah
the fuck was that i
think she was walking up the
stairs and she shit her pants
yeah fell out on the how
long did he keep
her on the show oh i don’t know but i mean come on what
what kind of
human is just shitting themselves yeah that’s
funny walking
around dropping logs out of
their parents
i want to wish
hope that’s
completely real too
oh like some like
stone director
like dude just put a little poop coming out
he had all the girls make chicken
and see what make the best chicken
and then he
this one lady served him and he’s like are you
serious this isn’t even cooked i can’t believe you’d
serve this because
she fucked it up
well that’s
unfortunate
kicked her off
some people
aren’t that good at making chicken guess not
the reality shows don’t have to make things up man
those shows they don’t have to
you know shows like jersey shore you don’t have to
there’s enough craziness out there teen moms
you don’t have to you don’t have to make something up
it’s like i auditioned for that wwe divas
thing and then i didn’t really know what it was all
about and she
told me i did
when was this last week
oh what in the house
um she was like
house it’s a show yeah i guess like you get in the
house and then you do all these like competitive type
things where you battle for like a wwe diva
where you do like interviews and fight sometimes
right the girl
was like you’re almost perfect for this spot dinner
and i was like
sweet and then i was thinking
about it i’m like
it’s gonna be six weeks of filming and they’re gonna
it’s gonna be
crazy reality show probably
if it did work out
all right so was i i
would never want to be in a
house for six weeks i
would never do
those reality show
house yeah when you’re twenty two
fuck i like taking opportunities that
sound like kind of crazy
so i actually
would probably
might do it so you
gonna do it you
gonna be a pro wrestler
you know what some day when you’re a big name pro
russell and you’re on tv and you’re battling
we’ll say we called it here first
when you’re like a
like an interviewer
and then you get
drawn into the fight
right that’s what’s
gonna happen
right that’s what they want yeah
i think i think it’s a good move
i would say
do it i think it
sounds fun flex flex here
my neck what
i doing no you’re how you can flex her
oh you wouldn’t be able to see in this shirt
well you flex your
boobs my pec muscles
oh okay it’s
creepy she just
raises each
one is she getting
you to work out because you guys are hanging out
you’re gonna get a gym pass huh
i can physically train you
whoa she’s a physical train
powerful alpha male
female look
no i wouldn’t
we could just run together no
no not into it no
you don’t care
about shape
shit you’re
happy with your
shape fuck yeah
you’re happy with your
cigarettes and everything
fuck you don’t need to change don’t ever change
don’t change
west palm beach
this weekend you
dirty dirty bitches
um thanks to the
flashlight for
sponsoring the show if you go to
joe rogan dot net
again click the link
type in rogan
it’s all explained for you get fifteen percent off
thank you allison if you guys want
to follow allison on twitter it’s allison rocks r o x
and there’s two l’s and allison
i didn’t know that
thanks so much for having
on the show
thanks for being oh
it’s fun and
red band is re dba
n and you probably know mine is just my name
who the fuck are you i don’t know
i don’t know who i am
i don’t think you know who you are either i
think you’re
fronting all
right we will be back
most likely tomorrow
i always say that sometimes we don’t have a show but
i think we’re
gonna put one together tomorrow
you motherfuckers all
right so this weekend
west palm beach improv
28th 29th and 30th with ari
shafir next weekend
the big fat fucked up show in vegas
friday february 4th
mandalay bay
theater joe diaz
ari shafir and me it’s a big fucking
place but tickets
are selling fast so if you want to get
their shirts
on go online
at joe rogan
net there’s a link for that too all right
love you guys see you soon bye