the joe rogan experience

the next evolution of the podcast is complete

ladies and gentlemen it feels like a fucking

radio station now

we got real

chairs instead of

those goofy couches we got rid of that shit

one of them is at ari’s

house the other one is in brian’s place

which by the way

he i think he wants it now so now i’m like want your

chair yeah why because

he said so what you do last night

i went over to joe’s helped him

hook up the

studio and he goes

yeah well i think i need to get to that chair

well it works out cause you can’t even fit that

chair anywhere in your house well i was thinking about

doing something like joe did pretty much taking out my

whole my office is just fucking

scary i can’t

even go in my office just too much shit so i

think i need to just

emptied the whole

thing out and

redo it from scratch

yeah i still need to redo this area back here

by the way bitches we are sponsored by the flashlight

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and you could

shoot mad loads with this

thing i don’t know though if you’ve been

watching cops

some of these hookers are like 10

you know like

i mean they look like ten dollar hookers but it’s

still i don’t

think you want

to get a ten dollar hooker ever in life and allison now

speaking of ten dollar hookers

what the fuck did he say

no how rude

we’re here with allison

ladies jump allison i don’t even know your last name

allison shula

shula allison shula

i know her as alison rocks from twitter r o x

and she’s brian’s friend and she’s a

young and upcoming

stand up comedian

doing the fucking hollywood shuffle

out here making it happen

making it real

she’s a very cool

chick and she rides

motorcycles she’s fucking crazy

she’s a lokester

she’s she’s been brought into this

world to slap

brian into gear

slapman place

before we get

started with anything

entertaining

this weekend

ari and i are

gonna be at the west palm

beach improv

it’s the 28th 29th and 30th

and o’brien’s

gonna be there too

we’re gonna have a big party

and if you don’t get mad at

brian if he’s behind you making faces

while you’re taking

pictures with me

it’s just what he does

you did stop doing it

really you’d done it for

six years yeah six plus years and

maybe taken

150 000 pictures

right you really for real

might have taken

150 000 pictures if not more than that

think about all the ufc

all the comedy

shows for six years over and over and over

again hundreds

of people at

night yeah the

crazy buffets

if you have any of

these pictures

where can people send them

we should create a gmail

we had one on myspace for a while

did you end up deleting it no

i can’t i try to delete it it won’t let me

these fucks myspace are so

tricky they’re like yeah we’ll get back to you with an

email it’s like a girl that you can

never break up with

right i’ll call you back and then we’ll

break up the

bitch never calls you back you guys

should make a tab on your web page that just has

those photos like a

photo gallery

yeah we should totally

no they’re hilarious dude it’s you know what’s not

funny three of them you know what’s funny

three hundred thousand of them

that’s when it gets

funny it becomes hilarious

cause it was just

you just fucking committed to that shit for so long

like i would be like this guy’s a

monster he’s fucking

people give up on shit they have a

silly idea and they give up on it

brian will fucking ride that boat

right into the rocks running to the ground

he hits the

beach he’s still in the boat

boom and has to hit the rocks before he stops yeah

he he’s a he’s determined little fellow

it’s awesome gets

crazy ideas and his

well that’s why his

videos are so good

because if they if he wasn’t so determined

he wouldn’t keep going

you know he has like

all this cool

footage and he puts it together but that’s not enough

you know he always has to add like a million different

things and sound tweaks and

let’s go very

underappreciated

it’s like drive people with

motivation it’s

like really nice when you meet people like that

you gotta figure out a way to make

money off your fucking

video skills dude

cause i look at

other people’s

videos online and i look at your videos

dude you got some fucking mad

talent when it comes to

video editing the big problem though is that

when when i do it i do so many

layers and so many little

things that no one will ever know

right notice you know it’s just like in my head like

crazy person

so like if i were to ever do that like

do notice yeah i

guess there’s

a there’s a there’s a

artistic quality to

these videos it’s fun and makes it

it’s an extra

layer it’s like

it’s like the nuttiness and when you’re sipping wine

i taste oak

it squeezes the last

brain juice out of my

brain though and

after i do one of

those i just want to fucking

cry you don’t want to

do one a long time

i’ve been with brian

on both times of

where he’s kicked the

power to his computer

and lost his project yeah

cause the whole

thing shuts down

because my fucking

office sucks

cause you got numb

feet motherfucker

nobody walking

well yours is actually pretty good but like underneath

my desk it’s just

every single wire and the

power cord like

this is updated

is updated that’s

one of the reasons why i wanted to get

those chord

ties we got

chord we redid the whole

thing you don’t

give a fuck because you’re just listening

most of you

but for the longest time

i just figured well i’ll

make it look like a living room and we’ll sit around

and so i got couches but

couches fucking suck

you know like if you’re

sitting up and you’re trying to talk to people like

these are comfortable

way better this is way better so we got office chairs

we got a circular

snort cocaine off this

table totally

do that dude

we should start bad

habits i’ve been living my life good

for too long

time to start fucking up

i don’t know

about your cigarettes

you don’t know

about them yeah

i kind of want

to be like well like to go like yeah you know what i

think we’re

gonna have to do we’re

gonna have to get

those ones that you have like on the

radio like when you go to open anthony i

have like the arms

arm yeah we

gotta get an arm

yeah i have

those at my

house they always

break but i

think i got

cheap ones so

maybe they make better

one yeah we just got to talk to someone when we do

radio in west palm

will find out

where they buy their arms

can’t wait look it up

let me sleep it’s

gonna be fucking crazy

so please tell me

what you were telling me before we

started the podcast

where i made you stop because it was so ridiculous

we i we had to talk

about this in the air

what john travolta

oh john travolta

is starring

in the new gotti

movie he plays john gotti

as as the lead role

okay listen this had to have been

a plot by the government to what god is dead right

he died in prison didn’t he

i was like saying they’re

just trying to fuck with him they’re trying to kill him

while he’s in jail this is a

is he still alive

i don’t know

dude i remember when i was a kid

and this whole john gotti

thing was going down i

guess i wasn’t too kid like

i guess i was in my 20s when he was in his prime

and it was so weird

i was like i didn’t

understand it

it was like he was so mocking of the law enforcement

just walking down the

street with fucking

you know 10 000

north suits on and getting in the limousines

and it was like whoa

this guy doesn’t

he’s ridiculous i

watched a documentary on like history channel

that’s not how they’re supposed to do it

interesting the

whole thing

about the mob was that they were all like

on the dl like everybody was

like vincent the chin

gigante he’s a

famous mobster

you know one of the reasons why he’s famous

cause he pretended to be he was running

everything but he pretended to be

completely insane

cause he knew they were

after him so he

would walk around with

slippers on and a bathrobe over his clothes

and just walk down the

street and talk to himself and he

would do it all

fucking day

and it kept the police away

or people they

could he’s crazy

you can’t say he’s not crazy so

everything he says is fucking useless this guy’s nuts

does he or does he not

walk down the

street in his

underwear talking to himself all day long

every day yes your

honor he does but i don’t think that

there’s no more talking this guy walks in his

underwear well we

think he’s faking it how can you

prove and then everybody’s faking it

they just want free food

they just want free food in the bed there’s no

crazy people they’re just pretending to be

crazy so you take care of them

you know you can’t say that

you can’t judge whether not someone’s

crazy but whoever fucking thought that john travolta

should be john gotti

that motherfuckers

crazy that’s

funny though

it’s revenge from the government yeah that’s hilarious

and let’s see what who

could we make his son oh his son is being cast by uh

the guy justin bieber

james franco

what yeah who

also has some gaydar action

going on on his side

didn’t he play a gay

guy in that

movie yeah harvey mill

played it very well did he

well you know so did sean payne

he’s heterosexual i’m just kidding

that’s a trick

he hating no it is you hating

but it is true

your dna repulses you from the idea of kissing men

even if it’s for a fucking movie

you know it’s like

i got good news and bad news

okay hit me with the good news dude

you’re gonna be a fucking

movie star shut up for real

like a fucking

movie like who am i playing with

dude you’re playing with sean pen

shut the fuck up

i’m co star with sean pen

dude what’s up

well what’s up is he gets to fuck you in this movie

what’s up is you have to make out with sean penn

could you imagine

i always wanted to work with

sean penn he’s just a brilliant actor i always imagine

standing there

we’re with him at an award show

we’re both wearing suits and shit we

thank the academy we’re all respected and loved

and here this

motherfucker is

right there at the door

right at the gate

but now he’s

gonna make out

with sean penn

what would you do

i would not do it

i understand no i’m not interested in acting

acting to me it

would have to be something really fun

like i would love to play like wolverine

in an x men

movie you know

there wasn’t already a guy that played it like

if they offered me something like that i’d

to be wolverine

i’d get on roids to play wolverine

like i need to get yoked

you know but like

that would be a badass wolverine by the way that’d be

crazy i would love to do that

actually needs just

training to do what that wesley snipes

fight that never happened and you became a

crazy badass and i can’t even imagine like

throwing wolverine into the mix that

would have been so much fun that wesley snipes

thing obsessed me for like two

months i’m really

lucky that that didn’t happen

because if i went out

fighting him and liking it and keeping and then

10 years from now i’m

just fucking

completely gone yeah

forgetting where i

leave my keys

every five minutes

you know you’re not supposed to start

fighting when you’re like 43

where i was i was 36 then or 37 then

that’s crazy about this herschel

walker character you know herschel walker

football player you know the story behind this

sweat this this guy

this forty eight years old okay heisman

trophy winner

super athlete just a fucking

prime example of like perfect athleticism but

this was a long time ago a long long long time ago

and in this

whole time where he hasn’t been playing football

which has been a few years

he stayed in insane shape

i mean the guys like

super fucking dedicated to training

and now he’s like 48 years old

gonna be 49 soon and he’s fighting this weekend

on strike force on showtime

he’s become like an mma

fighter it’s kind of

but it’s okay because he can

still fight and all that but he’s just not

gonna repair as fast if

he’s amazing

amazing shape it just

doesn’t even make

sense there was no

forty eight year olds that were

built like that when i was a kid when you were forty

eight you were someone’s dad and maybe had like old man

strength in your arms but you probably had a pot belly

you know or at

least a little

bit of a gut and you know you’re probably

scary because you

would you know

you would you

would hit someone

first but no one looked like

fucking herschel

walker right

he doesn’t look

like an old man that you shouldn’t fuck with but

he looks like this

flex body or something she

looks ridiculous

full fucking

eight pack just

totally shredded not an

ounce of fat on his body

really and here’s the

crazy shit he says he only eats soup

and salad he has one meal a day

like everything

about this guy

screams that he’s a fucking

alien or bullshit yeah

he only eats

super salad

my ass that

doesn’t make any

sense it’s all

water soluble he’d be dying

he needs some meat

yeah what is

water soluble

like yeah you

would need protein

right right through yeah

salad right through you soup it’s liquid

you know yeah

what’s he doing that’s

crazy right

but why does he say that

well here’s the

other thing because he was that he blew up his game

that probably but well he’s obviously fucking insanely

dedicated but he

might be crazy

like for legit crazy

like he’s like had like a

bunch of mental

a bunch of mental health issues in the past

the point where he has like some sort of a

he has more

than one personality was that multiple personality

yeah yeah so

maybe the part that works out is different

than the part that talks and the part that talks

doesn’t get access to all the information

this guy right up my alley

it sounds like

every you’ve ever

dated period

it’s a funny

thing when you find yourself dating a

crazy person just to go some pussy

every guy’s done it allison

i think it goes both ways that

have my share crazies where

is it just to have a boyfriend like fuck it i just

know it’s like

where they are cool for six

months and then all of a

sudden it’s like what happened to you

they get comfortable with you and know

what doesn’t

freak you out so then they

start being

their weird ass selves

then you’re like

where did the cool person go that i started

going out with right

well there is some kind of game when you first

start dating

where you’re trying to be cooler than you

are and just like and it works for

a while with them and then you

start farting the key

in life is to become that person

you become that person

who when you

first meet somebody

you can it’s just

we get lazy

you know you really are that person at your very best

unless you’re just a complete sociopath and you’re

absolutely bullshitting about it

i fucking love dogs

meanwhile you’re

deathly allergic

you know you

could be one of

those nuts but if not

you know that’s what everybody

should aspire to

right you should aspire to be the person

that you pretend you are when you’re trying to get laid

yeah i could have took that

creamer in my coffee

but i said you know i’m allergic

to milk why

would you take

creamer nobody gives a shit of heat

creamer in your coffee or not it’s actually

more of a bold choice if you have no cream

whenever someone wants

black coffee i’m like you don’t even give a fuck

about flavor yeah

you’re so crazy i

started drinking coffee black

i’ve been trying to sneak

dairy into her

diet without her

knowing lately

cause she’s allergic to dairy

ladies and gentlemen

yeah well she has this

thing you know she’s like

if someone ever farted around me i

would just end that relationship i

wouldn’t matter

who would be and

stuff like that so now i’m like oh yeah

we can see what happens if you

start shitting yourself

yeah so what you were trying

to do is get her sick because she won’t let you fart in

front of her right

wow what a grown up

by the way that guy’s 36

you guys just said that

i’m kinda grown ass man

brian’s a grown ass man

i’m in over my head and he’s trying to get you to fart

i was just acting like that

crazy person

okay no i don’t

think they act out logically

yeah that’s

you had like a real

you had like a nice

route that’s premeditated yeah

i’m gonna jail for a lot longer

from that shit you

think yeah you gotta walk

around you know

where and pretend you’re crazy bill

i don’t even like milk

which illegal

you have to come up with

some reason for people to

think you’re

crazy no my mom

would ask me allison do you

think you’re

lactose intolerant or is it all in your head

i’m like why the fuck

would it be all in my head

doing that to myself

these people that believe that

everything’s all in your head all

allergies can be alleviated with no they can’t stupid

babies are allergic to peanuts

give them they die like

you’re not allowed to give

babies peanut butter

cause you have to

find out if they’re fucking allergic to peanuts right

how do you find out

huh you gotta find out

your milk thing happened

later in your life so is there

something that

broke your mail

your milk yeah

what was it you just had like

five cheese pizzas one

night or something i was 15 years old

and in the lunch line they had

these like cheese and egg

bagels that were so good

so i got one and i

ate it and i was supposed to meet this guy i had a

crush on after

school and i’m walking to his

house and halfway through i’m like

jesus christ

i can’t walk any for yeah

i’m like mom pick me up

cause i didn’t

drive yet so she picked me up i’m like

stop at that mcdonald’s

and she’s like what’s

going on like i don’t fucking know

the next day i tested it out

again she ran in the bathroom in the yeah

it was over

did you even

check to see if the toilet was clean

did you do some

sort of cleansing

it was a cleansing

fucking dirty

thing man when

you have to take a shit in a public toilet

just rub and

sweaty asses with some stranger and everybody

sweats on those

things man yeah seat cover

those seat covers are

stupid too then like

when you’re done with it and it kind of grabs onto the

water and flushes down with it you know

that little arm and

shit smeared all over them

they always look stupid

it never looks like it’s supposed to be that way

never looks neat and tidy

no so you go in there

blast out of your ass and then

did you not go to this guy’s

house no wow i

never knew what

could have happened you

crushed that man’s confidence

you could have

changed his

whole life so that

over and we actually

wound up dating though there

are high school

so that was the

thing though that

pushed it over the edge that was your last your first

and that ever since then

anything you or

maybe it was

just have you

tried just to eat a

pizza yeah i

could do with like lactose enzymes

which is like

the supplement like lactate or something and

eat pizza but if i have it without like five minutes

later so that just

gives your body

laugh that’s interesting have you ever

tried raw milk

no i’ve tried almond milk and all that

raw milk has

it’s not pasteurized or homogenized

so it’s got all the live

cultures in it and it’s

supposed to be much easier to digest yeah i’ve had it a

bunch of times at

whole foods but i don’t think they

carry it anymore i’m not

sure if they do but i couldn’t find it the other day

cause a lot of people

think it’s creepy

because like it’s you

know it’s just fucking running out of cow’s

tit and it’s

in like five days it’s terrible

and like the

first couple days is good but

it’s kinda not healthy that milk

it just sits in your fucking refrigerator for

two weeks and

doesn’t go bad

that seems like the

worst milk you could ever

drink though that seems like the most hardest core

milk ever okay i

watch dirty

jobs you know on

tv and they milk

yeah it is when they

milk the cow though a lot of the times they get feces

on their hands when they’re milk

and can’t be

scared of a little feces

i think a little

feces in your diet keeps you strong

you need to have battles we did to

set your immune system you know

like when you get a flu it’s good for your immune

system immune system fires up

and the next time the food comes around

the immune system is like not so fast

bitch that’s why i never get the flu shot you

gotta get a little poo

in your body get a little

poo in your body and then you

could fight off disease better

we had this

podcast last night the naughty show podcast

number two we had this porn star on and she was talking

about how she

right after

she was forget what it was she was getting fucked

in the ass or

something like that

and then she’s

never in life

should you ever be in a

position to be like i was getting fucked in the ass or

whatever her name’s

kelly devine you

should go look at her twitter

okay so you can get a better idea

of what she looks like and no one’s gonna follow

your twitter page than brie olsen

oh god brios’s twitter page

every day is about oh my god my

pussy sore i suck so much cock last night

i just like

every day it’s like more and more brutal

jeez what’s

crazy they fuck so much that a guy with a two inch dick

would make me feel like a

fucking a ten

incher like she said shit like that is that like her

tweets what’s

crazy is though

after he pulled out

her his dick got

a real ass yeah

after he pulled

out his dick out of her ass he puts it in her mouth and

she said it was just

with shit just

so much shit

that she you

know and then he fucked her in the

mouth and then in between

shoots she had to go to the bathroom and she said she

spent for like

15 minutes picking shit out from her teeth

and she didn’t have any like

toothpicks or

toothpicks so

she was like oh my

what did they pay you for that

oh my i think it was like she

ran her books from her own butt

from this guy’s dick

really i’ve

never seen that in a

movie but i’ve seen a lot of ask them out

and i’m always

i always have

the same reaction why yeah is that necessary

yeah do we really need to do this turn someone on

i asked him there’s a lot of people on

she’s fucking

dirty yeah and i

asked him does

it ever get better does it like turn into chocolate

after a while

where you’re just

like looking forward to some shit in your mouth you

know and she’s like they’re like no ever every

time how many times has she gotten shit in her

mouth well i

guess that’s pretty common when

you do a lot of ass to mouth

and but she

said that she was just saying this one time in my

god that is so

crazy you couldn’t pay me all the

money in the

world you know part of it is that

other girls are doing

it all you need is one girl to do it and it’s such a

weird thing

if one girl does porn

where she lets a guy piss in her mouth and

every girl’s gonna

start letting guys piss in

their mouths

it’s a weird

thing it’s like all of a

sudden that’s become

like yeah it

raises the bar and that becomes acceptable but

there was no ass to

mouth when i was a kid

no okay when you got a ginger lin

peter north porno

they had sex

the most he shot in her

mouth and was pretty hot

right but he didn’t

stick it in her ass and then put it in her

mouth but that’s like standard

today yeah that’s not even not anymore like that

just a load in an open

mouth it’s like oh not this

again i mean

literally you can go on like you jizz com

and look up loads in the

mouth and they’ll be like a fucking hundred thousand

videos of girls with

their mouths open and guys jerking off in

their mouth

she goes to this website you need to

check out cause

every time she’s on it

i’m just like wow that’s a cool

video but i have a feeling it’s one of

those websites

that everybody goes to and i was just the last to know

about it what’s it called

todaysbegthing com

i think i’ve

heard of that before it’s

great it’s just

every day they have this

crazy new videos and

stuff like yeah

like they have this one great idea

they have this one

video on there

right now is dueling cellos

i saw that on twitter but i didn’t

click the link

you gotta watch it

because it’s

like they’re trying to be really hard so say

what they’re

doing i’m doing cellos for the song

oh michael jackson’s oh beat it you know

no not really

no it’s the one that

the band also were saying yeah it’s beat it

are you sure no it’s not peter it’s not

no billy smooth criminal

yeah yeah so

we’re so white

so it’s um so they’re like like playing the cello

while they’re both looking at each

other and they’re

like trying to be hardcore and stuff and then it starts

going in the hips thing

yeah and just being real

like they’re

fighting but

they’re playing cellos and they’re staring it

it gets really gay

and then it turns

into them like in this

weird part where they’re like

wrestling in this bedroom or something like that

or in a bar

i don’t even know what it is a dark room but

the cellos are amazing yeah the cellos

are amazing do you

think that you can sell advertising

today if you have guys kissing

do you think you

could sell yeah sell

things yeah

you could you

could have girls kissing and you could

still sell a porsche

yeah you know but if you have

could you imagine

could you imagine if porsche just

like the new ceo just had this

wacky idea what i think we need to do is

capture the gay market we are missing the gay market

we’ll take chance the porsche name is so

in american culture

they love our cars

this guy just takes a wild chance so he’s just

gonna get that gay market too

and he just has two guys like making out in

front of a cayenne

just hands in the pockets and shit you know

tommy yo what the fuck

and everybody just abandons

them to audi fuck you bitches

fuck your stupid rear engine car

it would get so many complaints for like pta

mothers yeah but why

how come they

if it was a girl and a girl kissing

would that get complaints only from fat chicks

the only ones complaining yeah you know

a few fatties

taking their oversized hands to cover their

teenage son’s eyes

while he’s watching tv mom what the fuck

i would rather

see two girls kissing than two guys kissing that

of beautiful you know first two guys kissing to get

much more likely rape yeah

right i still

that is weird though

that two guys to me

still if they’re kissing right in front of me

as tolerable as i am i’m still kind of like

as tolerant as you are

i don’t know if you’re tolerable

that’s debatable god you’re so fool yourself

yeah this is a genetic

thing right

do you feel like it’s a genetic

thing well i guess

i’m not judgmental at all

i don’t have

any problem with anybody doing anything that

doesn’t hurt anybody else if you want to be gay

gay it doesn’t bother

me at all but it

weirds me out

when i’m around gay guys they’re making out

right i’ve been like as

close as you are to me

right and two

guys were were holding hands and then they just

moved in and

started kissing each

other into your bed no

closest you are to me outside and outside

and i remembered like distinctly saying okay

don’t panic

you know like my but i was like don’t

don’t get uncomfortable just move away slowly your

heart’s palpitating but you’re like whoa

they’re fucking making out right here

it’s so juvenile

it’s like i

completely support your

right to do it and i think

i look fucking sometimes it’s pretty gross when

when men and

women are doing it in public

you know there’s a lot of people that get fucking

sloppy make

out sessions in public and he gets pretty nasty yeah

i support that do that i don’t have a problem with that

i don’t have a problem with anybody doing it but you

gotta let gay people do it if straight people do it oh

absolutely i have nothing against it

it’s just i’m just saying it’s

weird that like i don’t

my mom likes two girls kissing

you know my mom

doesn’t care if two girls are kissing

what is your

feeling when you see two guys kissing i feel vulnerable

i feel like don’t try to kiss me

if they wouldn’t have nothing to do with me man

you know i’m totally not

the time it

doesn’t matter but it’s like

with a if you

know that you’re for sure around a guy who’s into guys

it’s like all the

sudden you are

in a completely different

like roll you know

you like you

could be pursued now

right you could be

pursued by a dude like no no no no no no no no

even though you know i

i know they don’t want

everything to do with me it

doesn’t matter i’ve seen

so like get the fuck away

yeah i’ve seen two guys kissing and i just kind of like

watched because i was like

that’s interesting it just looks different you know

like it’s looking

like an alien

yeah it’s like investigating it i wish i

would if i could be a neuter for a day

that’s how it feels

neutering people no like if i wasn’t a man

or a woman if i

could be sexless for a day

then i could probably

look at it like that and i do look at it like that like

from a scientific

point of view i’m like wow this is fascinating

like what is that

like that’s

their turn on like i don’t

understand like when girls

anytime a girl’s

ever been attracted to me i’ve always been like really

like what the fuck do you like you like

guys you know you like what do you like you know like

it’s ridiculous

like it doesn’t make any sense

you know for a man

it doesn’t make any

sense that women are attracted to men i

understand they do

i have a long

lifelong history of

experience of seeing

it seeing girls be attracted to men so i know it’s real

but i don’t get it

so when it’s a guy and a guy’s attracted to a guy

then it’s like whoa this is like

super alien

we just don’t know it something that we’ve never

lived or experienced

you know we’re

never gonna be able to

know what that feels and that’s

weird with like kids

that’s weird with like

guys that are into like fucking

horses and all that shit like

how do you get

that that’s even going

different that

fucking so your

brain just is broken

some people’s

brains just don’t work right

right they just i was

attacked by a man with a foot fetish at laguna beach

yeah tell him this

party i had to

call the cops and

everything i’m on the internet now

okay so anyway i’m at the

i’m at laguna

beach with an ex boyfriend and we’re smoking

some weed on the rocks looking at the ocean

this guy walks up

and he has a camera in his hands

and he’s like

i think your

styles really

cool and you’re really beautiful can take your

picture i’m a you know

photography student

i’m like okay

sounds good

like you mind if i

smoke weed he’s like no so i keep smoking he

starts taking my picture

and he’s being really cool and he’s like

can i have you take off your shoes

and i’m like

okay i brought

the beach i

guess this is fitting you know

right pictures of my feet

start snap pictures of my feet

and then all of a

sudden he gets down on a knee and i’m like

looking at him like what’s this guy doing man i’m like

super high and all

sudden he puts

my foot on his face and goes oh

you licked it

how does that make you feel i’m like whoa

and i’m looking at my boyfriend sitting

right there and i’m like babe

and he’s like

what the fuck

and i’m right in

front of your boyfriend dude yeah my did he not

know that you were with the guy he

know he’s this is

crazy yeah he’s crazy guy

and then i’m like what are you

doing and he’s like oh i run a foot fetish website it’s

californiabetweet com

and he puts me

up on there i fucking take the business card i’m just

super stoned and i’m like what just happened

whoa check out the website and i’m on there

oh didn’t he recently just send a

yeah i recently

emailed him and said i’m

gonna cease and desist

yeah he’s gonna

yeah there’s a

weird thing

about dudes who are into

people’s feet

you know did you save it

before the pictures the

pictures the

video oh the

video of it

you should have

saved it before you take that down

oh it is 25 bucks

before the internet was around

you know like back when

you know you had like find

things in magazines or you know it’s like

it was a lot different

if you wanted to see some

weird shit you

had a really really go out of your way to see it

there was a

magazine called foot there was two

one of them was like this lady boy

magazine i wish it was

i’d remembered it

i wish i remember the name of it

but it was a

magazine completely

dedicated to

cross dressers

and they were like fucking marines

these guys were like the guy works at the deli

the guy was bald with the big fat head who

slices salami he wants to be a woman

and he’s got

makeup on and a wig and he’s like posing like a

woman and it is

fucking tweaky

it’s what and

it you know like look how lovely she looks and you know

they like say that what the

woman name for his character that he plays when he

dresses up is oh

it’s so fucking strange there’s this new show coming on

where cross

dressers compete like

in like some

cross dressing like reality show

i saw a commercial for it have you guys

heard of it no

i saw the billboard of it

it’s like it’s like a game show

with cross dress

what i was gonna say though is that there was one

magazine called

foot action

and i remember looking at this

going what the fuck is this so

you gotta open it up and

check it out

and it’s all like dudes who jerk off on feet

it’s a whole

thing it’s like feet on decks and girls rubbing

their feet on decks and it’s like

that’s like a big fucking

thing for dudes i don’t get it that’s for

standing not for

kissing a whole

magazine man

whole magazine

dedicated to it it’s

gross cause that guy who took all

those pictures on my feet

i know he went home and touched himself to him

it’s doing it

right now yes i did

yeah what the fuck

if you have

a foot fetish if it has a little bit of cotton

do you get hornier

from it you

know like if there’s little cotton between the toes

i would imagine it’s like

a little bit of a pussy

i had a little

bit of a foot fetish when i was like 18 or 19

what exactly

well not really

i just thought they were

attractive like girls who had pretty feet were

attractive oh well

it helps yeah

just cause there’s so

many ugly feet in massachusetts

so many girls had like hooves

so many girls just

walking around kicking ice

since they were baby

her feet are all jack

you know i don’t have a foot fist but i

definitely like

touching feet like when i

sleep i like to

touch a little

foot i like to hold a foot but i don’t like go

after a foot no

no but some dudes becomes a giant

focus like that’s

more important to them than vaginas or

mouths or anything

like that something like misfiring in the

brain yeah it’s what

people are fucking strange man the way one person’s

brain works another person’s doesn’t

i was telling you guys

about this before we

started the podcast and i saw this

horrible video online of this

two kids or

skateboard in

front of this guy’s house

and the guy comes out tell him stop

skateboarding they like fuck you

skateboard we want and they’re getting some sort

of like a pushing shoving sort of a little situation

and the man runs into the

house and grabs a gun

and guns down

these two kids

right in the street

it’s all in the security

is it a live leak

i’m guessing

it was on youtube because

it’s not that

graphic see him

shooting it’s from a security camera from like the

front of his

house wow it’s fucking horrible you

know when you

think that you

know an argument between someone who wants a

skateboard and some guy who

doesn’t want to hear

noise can turn

into some man gunning down someone’s children

you know they’re

like 15 16 years old they’re like kids you know

it was so fucked up to

think that someone’s

brain can actually be

wired that way

or they just want to go out and just

shoot somebody who’s making too much

noise and it’s so crazy how

random it is

my friend marco

that i was talking

about he was walking in

north hollywood

and some guy just came up to him the

other day just put a gun to

his head and was like give me your wallet and your cell

phone and it’s like what yeah it can happen

it can happen

easy there was a guy out here that shot a cop

yeah last podcast

yeah yeah last podcast

look man it’s a fucking nutty

world and as the economy gets shittier and shittier

people get more and more desperate more and more

things like this are

gonna happen unfortunately you know

there’s a lack of balance

you know i don’t know how it comes back around

but i ain’t

gonna come back around the way we’re rocking it

right now there’s just so many fucking criminals i

wanna get guns it’s not a

crazy why don’t you have one

i just i don’t know

i mean there’s

a good smoking

well i mean it’s like all

right you want to get guns

like 600 bucks that’s a pretty big purchase

you know is it that much

i’m guessing like for

one should be

and then there’s probably

anything that you can kill somebody and it’s only 600

bucks probably

cheaper than that

it’s probably 20

bucks if you go in the right

places on the streets

you probably

get a cheap

gun but you have to do the class

or you have

we’re not clutch

you have to sign up like two weeks beforehand or

they have to do

background check

it’s like do i want to be put in the

system it’s

gonna take you a

while to get it probably do you want to be put in the

system afraid to be put in the system

the protecting

system brian is a

he’s an anarchist he stays outside the

system yeah

don’t fall to that

grid he’s a

libertarian

he does not believe in this

culture right

we go to canada

maybe vancouver that’s why you don’t vote

right so you don’t get put into the

system right

i already got put in the

system for the irs though so that fucking sucks

i don’t know how that happened

i didn’t do anything they just

check you bro

they found me they

check comics all the time

comics get busted all the time

but the irs

yeah excuse me

yeah yeah because

comics don’t like to charge to

report money like

they’ll take gigs and they’ll get paid cash

that was a huge huge problem in boston

back in the dize

we all got paid cash for all

these gigs you had them

you know do your own

taxes and most

these guys were lazy as

fuck they didn’t do anything they just took that money

and then you know years and years of

these comedy clubs reporting that they have

these employees you know and then

these guys never had

that just is really bad so a lot of them owed

tens of thousands of dollars

hundreds even

you know over years and years without paying

taxes what do you do if you can

fuck you can’t pay

that back you got to pay it back yeah payback slowly as

quick as you can

so guys were working like

every night guys were taking all

these crazy gigs just to try to pay off

their irs nut

i get withdrawals automatically once a month

and that was pretty much forced

it’s the mob

back to john gotti

yeah right so

who the fuck else was in line for it was it like

barry manilow’s busy

david cassidy can’t do it

danny bought a dude she

doesn’t want to act anymore

who’s gonna play john gotti elton john

i mean not that john

travolta is not a badass actor don’t get me wrong but

that’s not the

right guy for the part that’s

ridiculous right

that’s silly i mean he’s

great in pulp fiction don’t get me

wrong i’m not a john travolta hater

would it have been

weird if they used

sylvester stallone

yeah i would have

been kind of cool though

now i would have totally

i’ve totally

would have went for that

yeah fuck well you know it’d be a good role for

stallone to have been

something that he

would want to like try hard at and stretch in

you know like when he did cop

land like he made some

some attempts

a few times he’s a good actor yeah he can be

i mean he’s a

great actor in rocky

but you know why do all that hard lifting

when you can just be some badass and some fuckin

wooden faced

wooden lyrics movie

you know that just makes 100

billion dollars

in the box office you know he’s the master of

those expendable type

movies at least then put some jersey

shore guy in there i’m sick of all

these jersey

shore like ari was on a audition the

other day or a commercial

shoot with one of the guys from jersey

shore and him

about like some kind of product

i don’t know if i’m allowed to say but there was a

picture of kim kardashian

and she was holding

like hands like they were paling around with snooki

and they’re both having this incredible

belly laugh like

they’re leaning back and they’re

laughing so hard all i can

think of is

what are these two dumb cunts laugh at

what the fuck are you

laughing at

what what did you who said something funny

right snooki

snooki probably farted

kim kardashian

queefed yeah high five

your crease are louder than my farts

this is so strange

it’s such a

strange time we live in and no no you know when

i say dumb cunts i say it with all love i don’t really

think they’re cunts

i mean i think they just

they’re just doing their

thing you know

i got no hate for it i find it fascinating i

haven’t even

watched that show not one episode

i watched it

twice did it hurt your brain

it makes you grip the seat or you’re like what is

going on like it makes you realize like

these are real people man this jersey shores

they they’ll

fight over anything fuck you you whore

they’ll throw shit at each

other they tackle each

other and pull hair and turn into

these crazy slap

fights and they know

cameras are on they know they don’t give a fuck well

that’s what

these reality shows are

it’s like a

bunch of scientists putting a bunch of

rats in a little glass cage

and like let’s see the males mate with all the females

and fight they’re sending jersey

shore to italy for

season four they just announced

in like the whatever the you

the italian american interest group

unico or whatever it said that

they’re just pissed

they are so angry well

those people aren’t even all i mean

snooki’s not italian

right i don’t

think they’re all italian

she like puerto rican or something

you know i’ve never

i can’t believe we were talking

about them it’s so

stupid but we

should it’s fascinating we

should just like when you go to the zoo and there’s one

monkeys throwing a shit at the

glass you wanna

you know it’s not like this

monkeys beneath me talking

about him no man that’s

you know these are

monkeys these jersey

shore people are just a different type of monkey

you can look at it like it’s such

a trivial thing to talk

about in disgust but

it’s really like

scientific work

what’s weird is trying to bring

down the thing

most of them remind me of myself when i was like 18

and i was like wow crew palm

they put my bangs up i’m

going you know i’m gonna

go you know like i felt like

yeah but now

i look back and i’m like dude that is so embarrassing

it’s the prod

look this guy the situation

what however retarded he

might come off

he’s obviously working very hard he’s got

videos and exercise

videos and he’s trying to make something happen isn’t

he a protein vodka

i don’t know he probably is

he’s got a bunch of shit

going on he’s

obviously trying to make the most of the situation

when you see guys like that you just get to

think this is just someone from a different

world that’s all it is

it’s from a

world where you grow up around people

like that and that kind of behavior is acceptable

i mean i never

lived in jersey shore but

i was born in newark and i

lived in new

jersey and i have relatives from new jersey

and i grew up in boston and that

behavior is a lot more fucking common than you think

you know and if everybody in your

house behaves

like that it’s always like joey what the fuck is this

man you don’t fucking see i’m on the phone here

if that’s everyday

i mean that’s a real

those are real live people out there man there’s a

bunch of people that

that’s their

everyday yelling and

screaming shit at each other

come on bro this fucking guy

doesn’t know who i am bro

this guy has know

who i am so glad i only had two italians growing up

near me they’re

monkeys they’re monkeys

that’s me so i can say it i’m

three quarter

monkey they’re fucking apes

they’re squawking apes they like to get on top of cars

and jump up and down and bang on them just like a chimp

would all that yelling and

it’s not a coincidence that they’re the loudest

motherfuckers on the planet

no you know what

i have a lot of family

in new york my parents are from brooklyn

and all of my aunts

are like the whole

how are you doing

oh my god oh

they’re brutal but it’s

funny but it’s very up there

well you know what though it’s fun though

they’re festive people

i’m only bullshitting that

i totally hate it because they have the best food ever

i would take italian food over everything

and i am italian

three quarters italian so i can’t be that

self hating

but there’s that passion

that makes them

it’s a crazy race

you know there’s

some rakes like

like the armenians

armenians are fucking crazy man

have you ever you know

i mean i know a

bunch of armenians from the ultimate

fighter from from

you know the ufc

fights from

just training

a lot of them do

jiu jitsu and

those guys are fucking

down to just

punch you in the face yeah

they’re wild they’re wild dudes it’s like a

whole race of wild dudes yeah

but that’s just the way they are i mean you know

if you’re born into that situation what the fuck

you know how hard it must

be to try to not be that if you’re growing up around

your dad and you’re in a tight knit family

so they’re all together they all act just like each

other and there’s fucking ten of them in a

house for real

those are very family oriented people

armenians they just

everyone’s over the

house grandma grandpa

the cousins are visiting

they’re very

families they’re all like hey what the fuck

they’re all like super

intense people

burbank is like

filled to the top with armenians and it’s

like my starbucks and stuff

they sit out there and play poker

and you walk in and they all stare at you

they’re giving you like we

could trade

my friend armin

armin the armenian

my friend armin was a pool player

back in my pool playing days and he was this

motherfucker

would just can’t we wanted to gamble constantly

come on you got no

heart come on gamble it’s gamble

just always wanted to gamble armenians

even in pool they’re like aggressive

right and the

place where i get my haircut

which is like fantastic sam’s or you know 8

haircut type place

and they’re all armenians in there too

that are all the family

members of the guys that are playing poker outside

and so they kind of

know who you are

from you know just

going to starbucks every day

so i sit down and it’s

the most uncomfortable haircut ever like it feels like

i always think that she’s

gonna take the

scissors and just stab it through my head

so that’s what i’m

thinking when i’m getting my haircut i’m like

don’t stab the scissors there why

do you feel it because it’s very intense

you need to get a haircut with me and you

understand something

i want to get a

scary haircut

very intense armenians

are very what if

you’re right

what if you’re

right and it’s just

which haircut is she

gonna fucking snap

right that’s what i’m saying

yeah if i had

those thoughts i

wouldn’t even go anymore

intuition what see the

thing is is i i go to

starbucks every day like

mixed in with

these people

yeah keep your enemies

close you know like

like if they

start you know

throwing grenades they’re

gonna be like hey

you know better

stand over here man

you know i’d rather have that

you want to be in with them

right well so

you say hi to them when you see him hi guys

i didn’t know

did they open

the door when they’re coming in and out i you know

you don’t go so far as to make friends with them though

no mike what’s up mike no

i don’t do that with anybody though

very like i

told you last week i keep very hidden like a

ninja low profile

why is that

cause i don’t know it’s easier

right it’s easier

avoid conflict

absolutely i

think i talked to that old man

building your shed in your backyard

more than you did oh yeah

absolutely i talked

about his daughter’s dogs yeah

what’s with

people that just

wanna start

telling you shit

about their life yeah

he told me a lot

it’s very when you get

stuck with one of

those motherfuckers and you realize

like it starts off as a normal conversation like what’s

going on man

nothing how you doing nah

everything’s good man how

about yourself well it

would have been better if it wasn’t for last week

you know last week my daughter

married this man and i

tried to tell her to stay

away from this fellow but she didn’t want to listen

and you’re like oh no that’s too bad no

fuck yes that’s what i try

to get out of and stay away from is that kind of shit

that shit is brutal

that shit was yeah you like a beaten woman

you’re afraid of men you become a

lesbian you become a social

lesbian right

you know who’s the best is joy

diaz getting out of

those situations though

that’s all you

gotta do what you

gotta do hold on

he’ll make his

phone ring yeah he’ll make his

phone ring where he’s like

i even saw once when this waitress at

the ice house pasadena ice house

this waitress was talking so much

finally he goes

please you’re giving me an ear beating seriously

i need to i need to get out of here

that was like

joey diaz meets ernie

and bert no

cookie monster who’s that

oscar the ground

monster the cookie

monster cookie

okay so anyway so joey told her that he’s did he

get an ear beating get into ear beating and just like

start going did she stop yeah

some people

have to say that some people

you cannot hit

she did that laughing like oh

that’s the worst feeling being silenced like that

well sort of but maybe she’s fucking crazy

maybe that’s the only way to get her away

you know maybe she would have just sat down with us and

started talking to us

some people just don’t know

some people need those checks just

you know because they’re always

gonna do it unless somebody does said something would

it be fucking badass if you could test drive people’s

brains if you could be like i wonder how dumb this

motherfucker really is can i just

climb inside your head for five minutes

right we’re

in it someday probably yeah malkovich

dude have you seen john malkovich lately no

have you seen it ever is it called the movie yeah it’s

such a great movie it’s a great

movie yeah just rewatching could you imagine if you

could pilot you know if you could

like i want

to know what it feels like to be a girl so you

pilot allison yeah

for like just

pilot her around the

house for like an hour

and she just stays

silent and lets you move around and look through

her eyes you

know she knows you’re in there she lets you in there

and you can move

she like go

silent you walk her around

you move her body around you finger yourself

you do whatever

you want you have her body for one hour and then a

trigger to get into would you

sleep with a

bunch of guys

i don’t think i

would do that

i would definitely

finger myself though

for sure wouldn’t you

i would do that

stuff i can

build i would yeah pee on myself

yeah you realize when you when

you start using a

flashlight yeah sex is way better

but it’s pretty fucking good

and that’s why girls like girls with dildos

like you know we

i would never got that i was like why don’t you

stick some remember dick inside of you

it’s not as good as a

real dick but i bet it’s probably pretty fucking close

right you know

girls i would

definitely if i

would i would ten minutes i’d finger myself i

would try to have sex with another woman

while it was that really yeah

try to make out with her yeah

yeah and what if you turned midnight and turned

into a pumpkin like boy

look i got a dick

you like it’s like eleven

fifty eight you know

would be great

right now if i was a guy and you

were a girl but i’m not attracted to guys ever since my

uncle touched me i’m really only attracted to point

oh no oh shit i forgot to tell you i was

gonna turn into a dude

listen can we keep

going keep going

that would be cool if you

could keep going cause your

daughter be

horny and it’s

fine i creeped out because she just told you

about her uncle and then also in a

big part in

front of her i

think if i saw that actually happen i

would probably

freak the fuck out now you probably you

could you imagine

just morphing

like because there’s certain animals that change sex

that’s not unusual in nature it happens in a

bunch of situations

certain animals

start off as a woman and they become a male or vice

versa and they can change

dependent on certain insects and certain

worms and shit i

think they can change dependent on whether or

not there’s enough males or enough females in the

popularity really

yeah it’s variable

yeah there’s a

bunch of like simple organisms that can do that

so if simple organisms

could do that why can’t you know i can’t like fucking

humans that was the

thing that the part of the movie splice

you don’t even know

the movie splice

it was an amazing

movie what’s that guy’s name adrian brody

i could have bought that movie for a second

i remember seeing a brilliant scientist

and what he did was

he managed to splice

together i don’t know was like alien

and they make the worst

child ever what was it like

a person and some

other shit i saw the trailer okay

it was like a person and some

other shit like maybe a frog or something

they made like this little

alien baby and this is how dumb the premise is

they keep this alien baby

at this laboratory and it grows into a full grown human

in like a couple of months

and they just keep it in the basement

and they just

like hanging out with her in the basement now all of a

sudden she’s a

chick and she’s kinda hot

except her eyes are like too far

apart that’s like the only

thing that you can tell

so this thing is like

maybe three months old

and it’s an

attractive woman

thing and you like

get scared but if it wants to it can kill you

okay and then

maybe three weeks

after that he

starts fucking it

so adrian brody is fucking this

three month old

alien baby thing i

swear i’d shut that thing off

in the middle of my adrian brody story

who do you think

it is i don’t know it’s probably the fence guy

oh it’s toll free call you cunts

well that’s pretty

weird so he

starts fucking the thing that’s

i would not

he’s like this thing is only a couple of months old

i would have not waited that long i

would have fucked that

thing the first

second i look

like a girl then it was like oh i made you

wouldn’t you you

would do the same thing no no you wouldn’t fuck this

first of all because it didn’t

look totally look like a person it had wings okay

it had crazy feet it had like

the back legs were like horse legs

did they talk in english

uh no i made noises i

made noises

hmm yeah it was way retarded

and then at the end of the movie

it becomes a male

something happens

something happens it goes through some

really it’s not feeling well and some weird

sweet they think it’s gonna die

it becomes a male and adrian

brody had sex with it yeah and the male

starts jacking thing i think it kills a

dream brody at the end i don’t remember it

was so bad i couldn’t remember wow it was such a dumb

movie it was like it was

but it was over you like what

you shut the fuck up

you know there’s no

spoilers in this but when the

movie sucks that bad

you’re allowed to talk about it

you know it’s like it’s

fun it’s fun to

watch cause it’s bad like i was

it’s a giggle fest

does she have boobs

like did they have nipples i have

like some little

tits yeah see that

could have turned me the

right way well she’s real

aggressive too and big

you know and like

powerful and

she was really kind of creepy

but she’s supposed to be four fucking months old

you know or whatever at the most six she’s

they had to get her out of the lab

you know she acts like a

child she like

curls up and cuddles with them like a

child and get scared and cries

but then she like eat a cat

and shit did he just

start fucking her like raping her did he like

comb her hair

first and she

came on to him

next thing you know he’s boner and i

swear to god

the whole theater is howling

laughing i gotta say it

howling laughing

yeah i mean i was i felt bad that i was

laughing i felt i can’t

laugh with this fuck i’m

gonna be i’m

gonna be that dick in the

movie theater

laughing but then

other people

started laughing too

i was going oh

no and then

other people started

laughing out

loud and then it just became a wave through the

whole theater

everybody was just

going no what the

people were just

going what the fuck

they were lmao and

that’s one of the cool

things about

going to see a

movie in hollywood

like a lot of times when you go see a

movie in hollywood

like you know it’s like a lot of cool

people in the audience yeah and sometimes some shit

stupid stupid shit will happen in a

movie and everyone agrees like everyone

is like what is this yeah that happened when i was

watching the

trailers to inception

um and it was

what’s that guy making

he made that movie

where everyone’s in a village and they don’t know oh

yeah the devils it showed like his name in the

whole yeah same

thing happened in my

theater we talked

about this before

i’ve seen it

three times the

devil when it came on

everyone just started

going oh you know

like this looks cool with that

mother of that fucking

disappointing cocksucker

he needs to change his name no man i’m telling you that

devil movie was pretty good i like that movie yeah

i took a chance

i’m desperate i’m desperate for good horror

movie but it

seems like that’s a

he’s getting gotten to a

point where

a lot of people probably aren’t

gonna watch that movie well

apparently he

did not direct this i don’t think i

think he just produced it

your name off it bro

yeah man you might have

cost yourself 50 million bucks

i was doing

tech support two

months ago and as i was working from home i

would watch horror movies over and over again like just

random ones on netflix and i

would watch probably like two a day

to the point

where like two weeks went by and i’m like i need to

switch it up

like i’ve been watching this shit too much i had like

weird dreams and shit

sometimes there’s a problem with like the celebrity

director like the m night

shyamalan’s boom

you know cause there’s a bunch of

movies that are really good movies that don’t have that

you know they don’t

that doesn’t say you know

james cameron’s boom

but there’s when

when with certain dudes like their name like

m night shyamalan with ding dongs that number one

right his name is just

immediately associated with all of his movies what

movie did he fail at that everybody hates him so much

they all saw

the one with the sixth

sense was the last good water bit

unbreakable was okay but it was really slow

but then there was the

water one was so

dumb and the

plant one and

i didn’t even see the plant one but

everybody told me the plant one was fucking god

awful did you see the plant one no happening

i saw a gang of them that made me nuts

i saw i forget which ones

i can’t remember but i

still take chances i’m a sheep man

it’s a big film what a friday

night the big film went go see it fuck it

right i’ll just sit there and try to

watch it man sit there with my popcorn and try not to

think this is stupid

but that was a good

movie that the

devil was not bad it was it was is tricky

you know it was good enough you know it was

a good horror movie

you know i expected it to suck and it did not

fucking not enough good horror movies out there man

good monster

movies i remember

i think the

human centipede was the last one i

watched that’s

more just goros i don’t

even see i wanna see monsters

somebody makes some good modifications did you see

human centipede

i got it i didn’t watch that

just watch it for the creep fest of it

i mean it’s one of those movies i

was going to turn off oh yeah

after the first 20 minutes i just wanted to get a

taste of it

but then i kind

of got addicted to the fact that it was so creepy

and i was just like i

gotta see what’s happening here

i mean it’s not good i don’t like it but

it’s definitely

worth seeing just because

the characters in it are fucking creepy as fuck

have you seen the

movie shutter island

yes okay that one was not surprising and whatever

but there’s a

movie called madhouse it wasn’t surprising yeah

cause you kinda knew it was

gonna happen it’s like oh

who’s obviously

gonna be the

crazy person that

movie was a hot

subject of debate amongst me and my friends really yeah

most of us thought like

i went to see it with segura

and with eddie bravo

and they both we all thought that it was a bad

movie me too

i felt like

you can’t just show me a

bunch of shit and then say oh

psych he was

crazy the whole time it was all a dream

if you go on

netflix look at madhouse

it’s just like shutter island but with unknown actors

really completely better

story better ending

and like i wish that one made it to theaters

yeah that shutter island one

it looked bad

ass and it seemed kind of interesting

but when you

found out that he was

crazy like halfway

there was there was a one

point in time when you kind of knew that

things were

a little wonky

like okay this is all of a

sudden we’ve

entered into this unrealistic

like how’s he

climbing up

these mountains

you know and by the

ocean remember that part by the

ocean when he

climbed in the cave into that

lighthouse yeah and you

start thinking okay

obviously he’s

crazy like what’s

going on but you can’t have a

movie where you have

everything makes

sense and then all of a sudden it

doesn’t and oh it was a

dream yeah like that’s like a

cheap trick

that’s kinda like

a slap in the face to all the viewers yeah i mean i get

i get you’re trying to be crafty

it just i don’t

think it’s successful i don’t i didn’t

think it was good

i wonder how some of

these get put out and pass all the people they

need to pass and then it gets such bad viewer responses

well the big part

about the whole

movie business is the producers the big part about the

movie business is the people that come up with the

money so it’s not just

well it’s a

bunch of different people get involved

you know it’s not just the people who

wrote it or the people who are

you know performing the characters there’s a lot of

other shit behind the scenes

you know and there’s a lot of cooks

and everybody’s got

their own idea what

should be in and

should be not in i’ve seen a

bunch of things that were really good get fucked up a

bunch of things

the man show

and doug and i did it that got all fucked up by

other people involved look at this

green hornet

movie man have you seen the preview

that looks like somebody i was

gonna say that the best example there was

a there was a

move that i did a long time ago it was a terrible movie

it was called

frank mccluskey ci

or pi private investigator i

think it was

anyway it was this kid

i forget his name dave who was the lead who’s a really

funny guy and

he was doing all

these different i should

respect to him find out what the fuck

his last name is

a green hornet

movie looks fucking

nasty well i’m wondering if it’s supposed to be

funny well what

i’m saying is with this guy when i did this this movie

um dave sheridan that’s his name

when i did this

movie this fucking kid is hilarious

and he would have and him and his friend wrote it

right so he had like

they were like

going over the

scenes and what’s the best way to make them funny

and the dude was really

good like he’s a really good actor he was in like like

scary movie and he’s been in a

bunch of different films

so anyway he’s performing the scene and

he’ll come in and hit it his way

but there’s all these

no one knows who this guy is

right so there’s all

these like suits in the room

these guys would like fucking expensive

cuff links and rolex

watches and suspenders

and they’re giving this dude

literally giving him takes like do it like this

like when you walk in

i want you to

wow like this i

watch this guy do this and i’m like

this is what happens when

these motherfuckers get

power all of a

sudden they

think that they’re creative all of a

sudden they

want they want to influence

these these

funny people making

their shit just

cause you’ve you

backed a bunch of

movies and you’ve got a

bunch of successful

movies under your belt

doesn’t mean you know how to make something funnier

but they all just want to get

their greasy fingerprints on it

it’s a big problem in hollywood

it’s like no one lets

the smaller the

group the better

that’s what it’s

gotta be the

smaller the

group the better

and you can’t make

what they’re doing better you can’t go in and go no

you guys are

focusing too much on this it’s too much that you got to

bring it back make it like

all you’re gonna do is cause

chaos all you’re

gonna do is interrupt

so either they make something that you

enjoy or they don’t

but you can’t add to the process it’s like

say if you were

someone was

building a car they were making a porsche

and you’re like i don’t like the way

this front end looks

when i want the

front end to be

stick up like this

like a cobra like it’s coming at you

and they’d go like that

doesn’t work

because there’s aerodynamics like we need aerodynamics

scientifically it

doesn’t work

but i think it

would really work we’re

gonna figure out a way to make this work

and you’d be like well this is

stupid you’re not a car designer

what’s the same

thing with these assholes they’re not

they’re not funny

they’re not

actors they’re not comedians they’re just

fucking people with

money that have

financed a bunch of

movies so you

can get it yeah

so if you’re doing a tv show if you’re doing a

movie there’s a

bunch of different people that have their say

you know that’s how john travolta gets cast as john

gotti there’s a bunch you

know you look at a guy like that

you’re like okay it’s a big name we got john travolta

john travolta gotti

it’s very controversial

maybe we should go with it it’s

gonna get a lot of press

john travolta’s gotti

yeah meanwhile

meanwhile back at the

ranch i guarantee if we find the guy who

wrote that thing he’s like

probably fucking pulling his hair out john travolta

really my episte

my greatest work of all time

john travolta

for john gotti

i was a fucking i was undercover i

wrote this book i wore a wire you cocksucker

i risk my life my family’s life

and fucking john travolta

don’t they love him for grease though like that

not anymore no

no after the

picture in the inquire of him kissing another man

wait really

yeah what about that

she’s getting off a jet

there’s a picture of him there’s a kissing a

bunch of people that know him that have said it online

that have said in interviews that thought it was like

out i thought it was like yeah

there’s a big

article in like

think was vanity fair

some some dude that travolta

used to bone just talked

about how you know he

would just go to bath

houses and shit and

just hook up

remember the the family guy

the last family guy i

think it was

where it shows the grease

where they fly out into the air

you know like in the car

and it was like the

bonus scene that they cut out of the

movie where they’re just like

oh my god it’s cold up here it’s cold up here

you know cause they’re just flying through the sky

and then she’s like

warm me up you know hold me warm me up he goes hey

i’m good i’m good

a gay joke to travolta

in the family guy

that’s funny

you know i i

understand that if he

was gay and i’m not saying he is because i don’t know

you know but

if he was i totally

understand him

not want to tell people because of his business

you don’t get to play the lead in

movies if they know you’re gay yeah

cause there’s just a big

chunk of america like

you know fucking probably 30 or 40

this is just not

gonna go see a movie

where john travolta is kissing girls and has a

girlfriend or a wife if you know that he’s gay

don’t you usually get to a certain

point in money

at least or

where you don’t need to

worry about not getting lead roles anymore you could

still probably make

money you know if i don’t

go to commercials yeah or

that’s easier said than done man

you know a lot of people don’t want to

disappoint their fans

a lot of people are worried

one of the reasons why

you know certain alleged organizations protect their

their members from

homosexual you know

rumors and all

you know anybody finding out they’re gay

it’s because

they’re trying to protect them as a business

they’re trying to use like a

a systematic approach as a business to maximize

their opportunity like look

you can come out but if you do here’s what’s

gonna happen

first of all you’re only

gonna come out to

strangers your friends all know you’re gay anyway right

that’s all that matters your friends

and if you come out there’s a

bunch of rules you’re not gonna get

there’s a bunch of

things you’re

gonna get pushed away for and you just

might be a few opportunities you miss

when it’s all over let’s

write a book we’ll

write a book we’ll say you’re gay

but for now

let’s say you’re not gay and we’ll

throw in a couple

quirks or perks like yeah you can be the

woman in hairspray sure yeah

every now and then you

get to be a girl

yeah yeah it’s kind of

funny you know

it’s it’s a fucking interesting

thing man that he the way the

human sexual

system is wired

there is this ad that are

maybe like a

preview on the news and it’s like oprah tells a big

secret like next week at four and i’m like hmm

isn’t it always kind of questionable

she’s a white

man white man

no one ever saw that coming oprah

yeah what was the secret

i don’t know i don’t

think it aired yet

her big secret is that she’s

gonna be a lesbian with that girl

right yeah don’t people

think that already

a lot of people

think that yeah

wait did you just

bring up oprah

i was watching oprah

no it was like on the news

what happens

when you bring

chicks to the show bro

they just start

bringing up oprah

when do i watch oprah

i watch it occasionally just

to see it’s like i just need to know that that side

exists did you subscribe to the oprah

channel joe

no i haven’t they have to pay for it i don’t know

i’ll watch it

would you no

i mean i will

every now and then

just to see what the fuck is up

i watch everything man i watch

hunting shows i watch

super super like

right wing political shows i

watch people like a scientist like i just want to know

what the fuck is out there you know

i don’t watch a lot a lot of shit i don’t

watch for entertainment i

watch for like

i just watch to see what is this you know like

you know so many shows man

like the religious shows i love

watching religious shows

did i watch

steve harvey on this religious show

it was fucking awesome first of all he’s crying

about the pressures of being famous

it was amazing you know some

piece of cats don’t know cats don’t know what it’s like

like complaining about being this

multi multi millionaire celebrity

and then he started talking

about god and it was just brilliant

it was just amazing stuff you were saying

he was like what do you say it goes if you

if a cat don’t have god in his life i don’t even

wanna talk to you

you’re silly

you’re a silly person

it was awesome

like if you don’t believe in god you’re a silly person

i had a friend do that to me i love

it she told me alice and we can’t be friends anymore

cause you’re not a woman of god and i’m like

bitch i was fucking comfort you should’ve

started kissing her

is that what i should yeah

just anger and shit

check your oil

so shut up bitch you want to

taste your pussy suck my fingers

i said your pussy tastes like that

bad girl i am a bad girl she just would have went

right with it

yeah dirty little goddamn

bitch yeah so what would it how is the

conclusion you guys break up no more friend easy

no more besties

yeah i know

we kind of met up i guess

a year ago but this happened like when you’re fifteen

i was like whoa

fifteen she went god huh

yeah see self

righteous little cunt

yeah it was

weird that’s

ridiculous you don’t know

what the fuck is up

when you’re fifteen i know right

you did go to catholic

school yeah i went to catholic

school for like four years

catholic schools rough

so much guilt and

strain and stress and so many people

that come from

guilt and strain and stress have

their kids in there so there’s fucking

strain in the home

lot of fucking

just repression and

it’s one of the most

depressing religions

yeah i didn’t like it at all

get it used

to like confession from

like once a week

and i’m like i’m not doing this and i got kicked out in

ninth grade so i went to public school

sounds like religion they

would have got me if i was like

with the mormons or something like that or someone fun

someone looks like they have a good time like

i have friends that are mormons when they go to church

it’s like basically you sitting around with a

bunch of people’s families you say some nice things

about god and you leave

nobody feels in

you like shit nobody

feels like a fucking

sinner like a

piece of shit

i talked to two mormons

maybe like a couple months ago

while they were walking around and i was on a jog

we started talking and i said oh you guys will

never have like a time to

relax go see a

movie or whatever

and i like no we can only rest for seven

hours on wednesday

and that’s what we do our laundry

but the rest of the time we’re

scouting around and

knocking on people’s doors

well okay you’re talking

about missionaries

yeah people on the mission

yeah this isn’t like you know everybody’s not do that

no these are just

the people that want to like go and recruit people yeah

yeah and then i

think they call them

elders or something

elder john i’m like what’s your

name fucking hilarious is a

young dude coming up to you

calling himself elder

the fuck out of here pretty high

this person i know that it is a mormon

just recently they’ve

completely abandoned it

so it’s been kind of fascinating

so they had some

things happen to them in

their life and they just decided the religion really

doesn’t make

sense anymore it’s kind of weird

it’s weird when that happens man when all of a

sudden someone just goes oh what’s

what was i doing

like i knew people that used to be christians

like we’re super

super christian and then they just kind of

lightened up on it a bit

you know like rampage jackson at one

point in time

wouldn’t swear

wouldn’t stop swearing

didn’t want to have premarital sex so i got

married like the

whole deal went

super full blown christian

so that was just the girl

making him do that probably

i don’t know i don’t know man i

think at some

point in time people get real

real nervous and

they really want to believe that there’s an answer

you know they really want to believe that someone’s got

a book from

three thousand

years ago with all the shit in it it’s all in here man

it’s all in here

you can live a perfect life

and if you’re around people that really

truly believe it here’s the deal man it fucking works

if you’re around

someone who’s a real true practicing christian i mean

think about what that is

for a real true practicing

practicing christian

you are just doing christian

things you’re

trying to be loving and love your neighbor

and do charitable

things for your community

i mean that’s really what it’s supposed to be all about

and if you do that that really

will make you a happier person so it does work you know

even though it’s you know

it’s the reason why it works is because you’re

tricking yourself into believing that this 2

000 year old book

written by people who thought the

world was flat and the sun was 17

miles away has all the fucking answers

that’s ridiculous but

but the fact that if

you believe in something like that it’s like a placebo

effect for your life

yeah i was actually at work and one of my bosses

he’s a pastor

also and he hands me that rick warren’s book

he’s like what is that

it’s like rick

warren’s like the chosen path it’s a catholic

or a christian book that a pastor wrote

it’s like one of the best selling books ever

really yeah

the crazy ones are

is it two guys they have like some

whole fucking

whole series

of like super

super super popular books but it’s all

about like the

apocalypse oh i don’t know

you don’t know about this

yeah there’s rick warner

i think there’s a

group of two guys and they’re like

best selling authors in america

and people don’t even know

about them god i

gotta find this out

right now i hate when this happens

but these um

did you read the religious book

no he handed it to me

and i was like what’s

this for and he’s just like i want you to read this

and i’m like well

i don’t want to read this you

could have it back

and he’s like

why don’t you want to read it it’s just like you know

briefing on the

bible and what not

and i just told him even though he’s a pastor

like i don’t want to read this listen like i’m at work

right now i don’t need to read this okay

here’s the guys there’s two guys named

tim lahey and

jerry jenkins and they

write this books called

the left behind series

and with these

they made them into

movies and i have two of them

i have both of them because they’re fucking awesome

and then with kurt cameron

and it’s all

about how jesus comes back and everybody dies

but the christians get

taken to heaven and everybody here is fucked

do they believe this

or is this like fictional

oh yeah they believe it this is the

apocalypse this is the real shit god’s

gonna come back and if you’re not

saved that’s why

these nutbags like

kirk cameron

that’s why you see him talking to gang bangers and you

know trying to get them to you know to

to come to god like he really believes

that jesus is

gonna just show up and everybody’s

gonna be taken to heaven

and everybody else is gonna be

stuck and fucked and left back behind here on earth

within a godless

world with no

laws and all the good christians will be gone

they’ll be stuck he really believes that and it’s

these books are

fucking huge huge huge sellers

like millions and millions of

copies some of the most

successful books in america

some of the most

successful fiction

or he’s completely full of shit and he’s just

dollar dollar bills

well i don’t

think so man i

think they started out

probably you

gotta know man you

think they’re full of shit

completely who knows man i mean look at like all

these people that ever get in

trouble for like you know

i think he’s gay all

these religious guys

if i had to bet money on

kirk cameron being gay or not gay oh dude he had a perm

on growing pains

yeah but that

doesn’t mean anything so did

try to get somebody good

think tommy morrison and

made out of perm

at one point in time

anyway he has aids bad

bad example

um but um yeah

when i see him like trying to

convert people i’m like what are you running from doing

why are you so into this what’s what’s that about wire

why is that consuming your your

humanism yeah

it’s a it’s a gay

thing or money

it’s gay gay

money gay and

money you think so

i don’t know

to me it just seems like it’s a

smart thing that he’s doing the same reason why there’s

clean comics you

would say that but this guy goes and has like debates

against like

scientists and they look really stupid

him and his

buddy he’s got a

buddy that has a

i forget this fucking

buddy’s name is

buddy’s retarded ray comfort okay

and you ever seen the banana

thing right

the voice says the banana was designed by god

and this is how he can

prove it he

shows that the banana fits in your hand then he peels

the banana and eats it and shows this is the this is

an evolutionist nightmare

because this is like

clear evidence of creation that god has created this

fruit like you fucking

really meant that when he was saying it

god created the dick

it also fits in the hand it also gives you

juice when you are thirsty

after killing dinosaurs

but no no that he has to do that kind of shit though in

order for him to make this

money then to be

legit to sell all

these books he has to also

do bullshit like that you know he

would be have

to be a way better actor than he’s capable of because

these two guys are so dumb in

these debates

and they’re so fascinating there’s no way you

could not believe what they’re saying

and say the

things they’re saying

i don’t think

unless it’s like one big gigantic you know

multi decade hustle i don’t

think so i think they’re just

knuckleheads

you know i think there’s

knuckleheads and they get

married to an idea and then they just

stick with that

motherfucker

right whether it makes

sense or not

but these dudes

these left behind dudes i want to know what

what their circulation is

i’m sure you do i do baby

it’s their circulation

shit

by the way oprah disclosed that

her news was that she has a half sister

she didn’t know that what that’s news

they make it on me

how ridiculous is that how is that news

i don’t know

everything with oprah’s news i mean it’s kind of like

when you get put in that certain class of

why is that news old black lady what is it

that doesn’t make any

yeah it’s very weird

i can’t find out how many books this thing sold

not quickly

but it was a fuckload officially

a fuckload of books that’s all about these

people being left behind

it’s fucking awesome if you ever want to

get blaze then watch kirk cameron

it rocks it’s really good rather watch growing pains

that would be good to at least they like

tracy gold’s in there you know get

let’s get some

tracy gold have you been paying attention to what’s

going on yellowstone

mm hmm yellowstone national park you know has a caldera

super volcano that erupts

every six to eight hundred thousand years and

just fucking it’s a continent

killer it kills like almost

everything on the on the continent

kill like two

thirds of all living things on on north america

well the magma has

been bulging

and it’s got these bulging pocket

swells where the earth is lifting

and there’s all these form

these photos of them online

question starting to freak out

when are we do what how well

they don’t know well see it’s been

about 600 000 years so

it really could happen they’re not

they were concerned they said they were concerned for a

while but then they’re not

now they’re

not anymore because it stopped doing what they were

worried it could do

but the bottom line is

it’s completely unpredictable

they don’t know what when

when it can happen or why it happens or what

causes it when they say it’s a continent

killer like it

could destroy the

whole continent

is that like maximum and then

minimum is like oh it will ruin like the taco bell next

door you know well this is what it is dude it’s 300

kilometers wide

right and it’s a

super volcano

which means when it blows up you know

mounting helens

is like a volcano

and then at the top there’s a

small area where all the lava was

shooting up in the air right

well this isn’t like that

what this is is like the top part

but the top part is a hundred and

sixty miles wide

and it shoots

straight up in the air like a fucking mile high wall of

lava did they and then

steam yeah and then

nuclear winter

occurs because the entire surface of the earth gets

covered in fucking ash

like no planes can fly

remember that

little tiny baby ass volcano that blew up in iceland

and everybody got fucked

nobody can even fly anywhere

but when this one blows it’s they

do anything that like

like take that like

drill holes in it

like release pressure

no no no this

is way too big you got to move to australia bitch

to australian have some canned food waiting

seriously yeah

if that motherfucker goes if that

motherfucker goes

it’s gonna go

you probably won’t be able to do anything

you probably won’t be able to get out in time if

we find out like tomorrow that yellowstones gonna blow

what are we

gonna do where we

gonna go why go

that’s why i keep that

in my car joe my emergency emergency kit

at all okay

i hope that

thing has a

motorboat in it

cause you’re

gonna have to get the fuck out that’s

what a shot put in there that’s a good idea get one of

those rafts and just

like blow up raft

things sure

because you know in australia when it was fucking when

these crazy

floods hit there was

sharks in the

street yeah

sharks yeah

people spotted

sharks bull sharks

swimming down the

street that’s how much

water there was in australia

what would you do

and guns if you knew molten lava

was just coming and there is no escape it’s not even

it’s not even that it’s not

even that the molten

lava is gonna fuck you yeah that’s bad

molten lava

is terrible

but it’s all the other

stuff that’s

gonna get you to the toxic rain

the fucking shit in the air

where it fills your

lungs up and kills you

like a lot of animals like they

found all these woolly mammoths

and they were all dead and

they were dead in like this mask like

field of them and one of the

things they

found was that

their lungs were all filled with

soot but their

lungs were filled with like volcanic ash

and so what happened was they just got caught in some

big volcano

eruption and they just breathed in all that

smoke and it

literally turned

their lungs into rocks

oh my god and they just die you get

lungs filled

with volcanic ash and it’s like volcanic rocks

basically in your body

that’s terrible it’s

terrible yeah it cuts off your air you can’t breathe

i mean the air is

thick with this shit

and they all died

have you ever thought to get one of

those chemical masks that you can get like at surplus

stores dude when

you need that chemical mask everybody’s dead anyway

you know if you needed that

what are you

gonna do you

gonna be mad max you

gonna be out there on your own

save yourself

go walk around and hump some dead

ladies and shit grab some wallets

i don’t know man

at a certain

point in time you

gotta say nighty

night if there really is

a heaven or

a hell and i did kill myself in that situation

i hope that they’d be like it’s okay we get it

no see they don’t they

won’t get it there’s no

exception to that you can’t kill

yourself kill yourself

before you suffocate to

death or molten lava that

attacks your body

well molten

lava probably gets you

really quick

i mean if you fell in

i bet if you felt in a volcano it

would take like one second you

would disappear

have you seen that many volcanoes that’s called

how long could you last

that’s what they used to do man in hawaii

people are douchebags they

throw them in fucking in pele

they throw them in a volcano man

so they got rid of cunts

yeah yeah that’s how

they get rid

of people that’s how they execute them oh my god

back in the day son

dizzy back when

motherfuckers were wearing

straw skirts you know i’m saying you know i’m saying

throwing spears at animals and shit

sacrifice to the

wild wild pigs and shit

that’d be a wild

place to live

throwing people in a volcano

there was this some

documentary on

lost tribes

and all these different people that are

still living

you know like

they live thousands of years ago all over the

world and i was

watching it i was

thinking to myself man

what the fuck

would i do if it all went back to this

how would i

would i even want to go back to this

like what if society ended

and all of a

sudden you’re making bows and

arrows out of fucking

bamboo trees and and making your own

twine you’re trying to feed your family by hunting food

fuck man really that

be okay what

why why would you

think that i don’t know be kind of like

be like camping will be

be like fun for like a week and then you’re

like i’m fucking hungry there’s nothing to eat on here

except this

bird that won’t

sit still and i need to make a

guess what there’s not that many animals

it’s not nearly as many as you

would need to sustain a

population okay you

know we think of

we’ll go hunting well

you know there’s no animals to

hunt anymore it’s not like it used to be 300 years ago

where you could

go anywhere near here and there’d be deer

everywhere and all sorts of

other animals to eat like we pushed all

those bitches out there’s like nothing left

you know occasionally you’ll see a deer in hollywood

you know like on you ever

drive up laurel canyon and see

a deer family and shit it’s a trip you know it’s like

wow you guys are

still here huh

i was asking you

that yesterday if you ever see deer around here yeah

it seems very

empty i see deers and coyotes and

we’d be fucked we’d have to

start eating each other

probably no

definitely dogs

first then people

there’s no other food

how many fucking cows are there around here

you know if you got no

more cars okay cars don’t work anymore let’s just get

crazy right

what are you

gonna do you got no

phones you start eating people

all right yeah and then you’re

gonna probably kill yourself

gonna try to figure out a way to kill yourself

after you eat a few people and you feel bad yeah

definitely yeah

i could i don’t

know person

would you rather die

uh yeah i would kill myself before i

eat a person alright

speaking of killing yourself

this fucking bath salts

thing have you

heard about this

yeah i have that’s craziness

this is for the

folks that haven’t

heard and this is not a joke this isn’t

the onion okay this is the huffington post which is

sometimes almost as

funny as the onion but in a different way

anyway this is um

what they’re saying is

that there’s chemicals that are sold as bath salts

and people are taking

these and they’re getting high with them

and it’s making people like

crazy suicidal

doing naughty shit like this one guy took a skinning

knife it says

slit his face and stomach repeatedly

he survived

but other people

haven’t been

lucky as they’ve been snorting

injecting and snorting powders such as innocuous

sounding names as ivory wave

red dove and vanilla sky

so it basically turns you into some fucking homicidal

suicidal maniac

that’s crazy who was the

first person to do that yeah

right fuck yeah i mean what

what is it about people that we are so desperate

to change our

state of consciousness

so desperate to get

drunk or high or

speaking of which

you’re a fucking

drunk cast okay

i’ve been meaning to do this intervention

and do it on the air because

this is an intervention

i need to talk to the both of you

okay you can’t

drink like that that

often no we don’t you’re

gonna you’re

gonna die and you’re

gonna die on camera

you’re gonna have fucking

liver failure on camera

and that’s gonna

be a sad show we waited like ten days between the both

well you’re fine he is

motherfucking calls me

you got me sick

i got you sick dude

i saw you fucking shit face

slurring hammered

on the you stream

bottle of jager master

yeah a whole bottle of

jager master you’re blaming me for you being sick

shut the fuck up man we

both were sick yeah you both

should be sick you

crazy fucks

those are nuts

still sick so what they do is for the

folks at home that do not know

about this they do this

thing called the

drunk cast he calls it

blackout cast or drunk cast

and he’s done it a

few times and they do it sometimes they do it and they

watch the ufc

which is pretty cool

they watch the

fights and then

while the fights are

going on all

these comics are commentating on it it’s really funny

you know like joey’s over there and sam tripoli

and tebe and

well the latest

thing is they

drink a whole fucking bottle of yeager

and just get

completely sick in an hour too oh yeah

it was not like see the problem is we’ve done two the

blackout cast

which is where we take a

whole bottle and we

start going crazy

first one was the

jagermeister

bottle and we did that in like an hour

and then don’t remember the last half of it

don’t remember the next day for the

first couple

hours you know i

don’t remember anything

then the second one what

does it feel like when you

watch the video oh it’s hilarious

that one was

funny because i

can’t believe it yeah

but the last one was so bad you took it down

well i’m debating

on it because see the problem was is the ufc

drunk cast was

right before it and we got

sloshed on the

drunk cast we were

wasted at the end of the last one

and then we decided like an hour later hey

we’re still

drinking let’s do a

blackout cast it

was bad but then we were so wasted that we

we couldn’t even

think of what to

drink so we were

drinking coconut

water with vodka

we were doing just like straight

morgans that actually

was good it was really good it was actually good it was

coconut water vodka

did you do it over the rocks

yeah it was good it

took off the edge of the

vodka so it

tastes like your drink

i want it wild yeah but

we had yeager

vodka beer and captain morgan’s

and we’re drinking

all this this is

two days in a row so two days in a row you’re basically

drinking um

no cast is when no that was an hour before we

started this

black so it’s the same day

it was an hour

out podcast in the same day right

oh i thought it was the day before oh my god that’s

ridiculous no

oh you poor fuck

i don’t think we

should post it because we just got so on social

it was like

this is an impersonation of most of the

blackout one

that’s him seriously

good leave it

leave it up dude

leave it up that’s important man that’s part of the

entertainment

that’s listen that’s part of the entertainment

value you know people don’t have to watch it you’re not

forcing them you’re not

charging them for it it’s up there

leave it up there maybe i’ll put the

audio up at the videos the videos now videos

how about this how about we record we take the

video and record you guys doing commentary over

about that would be

funny yeah and we have it playing on

and then get it to a certain point where it’s like

where you just not even talking anymore

and then just start explaining things and

what was going through my head yeah

should i puke now or should i

drink can i hold it in or can i get to the bathroom you

tried puking on camera

yeah i tried there was a part

where i get a bag puking in a bag

and then she ended up puke you you

ended up licking his flashlight you

should have thrown up that was at the ufc drunk

ass she did that that was how drunk she was at the ufc

drunk ass god

i mean we really were

bad that last one i don’t know if i can

i think the secret is

starting off completely sober

and then drinking a whole bottle in an hour

or something did the pornstars

touch your flashlight

no they would they were like i’m not

going to touch that

well that’s hilarious the girls picking shit out of her

teeth with her fingernails and out

and she said i’m too

good flashlight

and then allison

kissed it oh

it’s clean right i’m not

it was clean

right yeah absolutely

listen it’s washed

but the bottom line is

well it’s like

shaking hands with a dude if you

shake hands with a dude you’re basically

touching his dick

cause every guy touches his dick

and the odds of him having washed his hands

after he touched his dick before he touches your hands

they’re like

seventy percent against

most of the times you know when you’re not around

we were always

grabbing our dicks and moving it around or

grabbing our balls like you

shake your guy’s hand you’re

touching his balls

there’s one

point in the drunk cast

which is this right

this is true

we kiss a girl you’re sucking someone’s dick

i don’t think i ever told you this this is a true

story a crazy story

so i used to work at this

mexican restaurant

and i was a waiter

and the waitresses

were there was one

18 year old waitress

like three 17 year old waitresses

they’re all fucking hot and they all had a

crush on me we need some porno music

yeah and so anyways

i started having sex with the 18 year old hostess

you know and

she back in the day she had a

party once where she

fighted all the hostesses and

so was me her and like

three other hostesses

we’re all getting wasted

drinking i bought them alcohol

cause that’s what i like to do

yeah but anyways

the party starters here

i was like how can i make out with all

these take advantage of all

these girls at the same time

and so i thought of this idea

where i took saran wrap

and i would

put it in between my

mouth and the girl’s

mouth and go if you

wanna make out

you’re not touching me so we can pretty

much make out as much as you want and it will feel real

and they were like holy shit that’s awesome

and so i would just

start making how old were you i was 18

that’s kinda

weird i was 18 and they were 18

and they fell

for this yeah 13 year old move no

it was great it’s like i would

and a couple of girls that had a little hole in the

thing that would find my tongue through and they

wouldn’t notice because it felt it feels real that’s so

gross and then i

started taking saran wrap

putting on my hands but like i

could touch your

boobs because i’m not actually

touching your

boobs oh my

it’s like a serial killer

and this is hilarious

it’s a good move yeah and so i did that we were so

drunk i started

doing that on

so but when did they

tell me more

about this move so

did girls let you do that yeah oh yeah did

they pull the

tits out all of them no

it was up the

shirt making out and up the

shirt and they were

brought it yeah

ron you just have and

you just have and what was so funny is

is that the girls

could feel when i put my hand up with the plastic on

like it was like not like half flat

like the saran wrap

wasn’t covering my hand half the

time of course

they knew that and it was just like dude this move

is awesome dirty

girl meanwhile

julian assange

is in jail for rape for way less than that right

and so then

then the one girl i was fucking

with like i went and had sex with her and whatever that

later that night

and they all the

other girls like passed out in the living room

i came out and this one girl was like

still awake

horny and she’s like

called me over we

started making out and we had sex in there

and then it

led to sex even so so you you

i think you

started a competition

by feeling up all

these girls

and being the only male

right you started a competition

right you created an unfair game

it was very

smart move is very

smart give me

a pound i was

strong so i pulled the move on allison and that’s a

little real it feels real

right it felt

completely real

hold them so

if you know

young kids out there

shouldn’t make out he’s like i’ll use saran wrap

i’m like okay so

why don’t you condom

really fucking that’s what you’re pretty much doing

like face condoms and condoms

wow pitch that’s a trojan

yeah if you had a really

strong plastic

like a really strong one

and you can put your

whole body and

cover your entire body in this

sheet of plastic sure

sure let’s try

it out look i can show you how real it feels do you

wanna make out

on on today’s

volcano bag joe how

dare you on

today’s big

thing that website

said earlier

um they have this

thing where it’s called the

creepiest man

alive and he

blows himself

up in balloons and he like sits in there and hangs out

he makes balloons

i would not say he’s a

creepiest man

alive if you

think that’s the coolest guy

alive need to get online more

it’s titled

but i’m suspicious

about the title they’re just being silly

it’s not really the creepy that

would be hilarious if

i lived in a balloon

invited girls into my balloon the best

thing ever that’s what’s called

today’s big thing

today’s big

thing calm can

never fucking keep

track all these sites are

always that’s a

good how many goddamn

sites very good one

today’s big thing

calm there’s just

when is the internet ever

gonna run out of website addresses

i don’t know because i just

start adding more dots dots dots yeah when you see

it’s always

weird when you go like dot

are you or you know like hey

are you trying to fucking

we tried to

we try to give me a

virus jack my

jack my my shit

if i look at like a russian website i go woo

like romania

i was reading this thing and

i believe it was in wired

about this one area of

romania that has like just a gigantic percentage of the

world hackers

and they’re all driving around like mercedes benz is

they’re all like young

young loudmouth kids

they just hackers

just jacking people

all these you know scams like how many times

a week do you get

you know dear sirs i need help from you

in an exchange you will

have access to my grandfather’s fortune of you know

whatever the fuck

it is and this is what i need you to do how many of

those you get

dude i got one

today that was so hilarious

it was from

microsoft xbox award

show soccer at gmail or something like that

and it says

oh my goodness you have won

the grand prize of

the microsoft word

national holiday something like that

sponsored by soccer do you have it on can you pull

it up yeah let

me see if i can

pull it up oh those

are the best

oh those are the best

i marked it adding

and they’re from nigeria yeah

i wonder if i can get that i don’t give a fuck

you’re the winner of microsoft

nigeria is the wild wild west

wild wild west but i love how they were

throwing in so many keywords

that even like if my mom saw

it she’d probably like well it is from microsoft word

you know hold on

here we go spam

shit did i delete that so it came in a spam

no it came into my

inbox but i

think i marked

it a spam so i don’t know what happens to that

check your trash i did

check it it’s not there hmm

hmm i don’t have it anymore

oh brian but i

literally just

put it on oh here it is no i got it

right here i got a

whole section i

saved my email

the wording on this

right here it goes

it’s from microsoft two thousand eleven

gmail at f fifa

world cup lottery com

it says dear winner

please check the attachment below

and it says dear winner

microsoft corporation management

worldwide are pleased

to inform you

that you are a winner of your annual microsoft word

lottery lottery

this is it twice

conducted in africa

being the host of the present fifa

world cup mega jackpot

winning program

your personal gmail address or company

email attached

to the microsoft word with serial number

you are lucky number

and you won

you therefore been approved for lump sums

of one point one

nine hundred million thousand

really yeah

payable in cash

credited to file number

bt something

from total prize

money of fifty million united

states dollars

whatever what are they asking for

it says all

participants

were selected from gmail

worldwide websites

throughout our microsoft computer ballot system

drawing from 21 000 names

blah blah blah

so what do they need you doing yeah

so then it says

there’s give some

phone numbers

and it gives some

emails which would be

great if we

could call this person

right now i’ll be hilarious

it says it must be

claimed i have to fill out this

thing in order to

avoid mistakes yeah

okay what do

you have to do what do you do you need to give

money like what do they have no it says

name address national

sex age occupation

no it looks like i

just have to call this person back and that’s when they

start asking for numbers

yeah and they probably

when they get all that information like name and

all that jazz they probably zoom

in on you then they do like an internet

search for you

and then they just start

targeting you and going

after you i like this it says lottery sponsors

chief sponsors

microsoft corporations

and then it shows

photos of all

these like pictures of people winning

state lotteries

that’s hilarious yeah it’s

ridiculous i get a

bunch of different kinds some of them that are like

they’re like

you know it’s a different kind of scan like

this is what i got the other day

i don’t know who the fuck this guy is

says is ryan

keegan i have no idea i don’t know any ryan keegans

hey how you doing

i made a trip to

london two days back god mugged at gunpoint last night

all cash credit card and

phone was stolen

i got messed

up in another country i’m stranded in london

a bitter experience

and i was hurt on my

right hand but

i think i’d be just fine

i’m sending

you this message because i don’t want anyone to panic

i want you to keep it that way for now

my return flight

leaves in a few hours

but i’m having

trouble sorting out my

hotel bills

wondering if you loan me some dollars to sort out the

hotel bills

and also take a cab to the airport

about 2 500

i’ve been to the embassy but they aren’t helping issues

i have limited

means of getting out of here so i really need your help

that’s insane

but i guess he sends this to like

you know i guess you send this to like a million people

and you get a few bites

right and all you need is a few bytes if you

could do this

with a computer if a computer can generate

a whole gigantic

email list that you can

steal from something

or buy like a lot of them i bet you can buy them

i mean there’s a

bunch of different corporations for sure

like they’ve gone on a business

and you ordered something online and they sell your

email address and they have a database they sell

their database it

just amazes me that they’re so

they’re all so

stupid sounding like

like at least go okay but let’s talk

about what we talked

about earlier

right the waitress that

wouldn’t shut the fuck up that joey diaz had to give

an air beating to

right so tell her you give me an ear beating

you took that woman

and all of a

sudden she gets this email

right i don’t

who are you

yeah where do we know each other they

should add something like hey

have you seen

black swan yet that was awesome no hey so any

you like they can make it

stuck in london man

you like microsoft word

me too anyways i need money

it’s one old retired

woman who has

alzheimer’s and she’s like oh my gosh ryan yes

and there’s a lot of

those people out there there’s a lot of little

man boys out there

too there’s a lot of people that are like children

you could take

their money

oh my god i talked to this

photographer

and he has a friend

that does this organization called project child save

where they get a bunch of

money together and this guy

flies out to

other countries and

takes back like kidnapped kids

like the movie

taken and brings them back here whoa

yeah and i guess

the government

has nothing to do with it it’s all privately

run right now

wow that is a lot of gunfire i

would imagine if you

stole like a

stolen kid from a family you’re pretty much kidnapping

but they go to re kidnapping

right that’s

scary shit that’s

that’s a good

that’s a good reality show yeah

no shit but i bet you couldn’t fault

it would be a little

conspicuous

running around with a gun in their hand

sneaking around the corner with fucking camera

and like a boom

here’s another one that i got that was

a much more

subtle one attention

how are you doing hope fine question mark

sorry for the late

email update

i want to make fast contact with mr

david doi in regards to your released project fund

and some where do you save them i save them all

i save them all i got one from the

first bank in nigeria from 2009 that i’ve saved

it’s a collector’s item listen to this

in red just listen to the first line

the first bank of nigeria

i remember that listen to this one

dear this letter is written to you in

order to change your life from today

you got me so far i am riveted

i am mr james

louis the director international remittance

department of this bank

comma my boss

comma mr jacobs no comma

just a slight space

m smith comma the

managing director ceo of this bank is now on compulsory

leave and all

power have been vested on me

to make all international payments wow

is that from nigeria

yeah it’s awesome

it’s so bad it’s like

do you even have microsoft word

motherfucker what did you run this shit through google

translate you

paintbrush and text edit

they must have just ran it through a

translation program

right they don’t know what the fuck they’re saying i

think that’s what it

is it’s been

translated like they do it millions and millions of you

know there’s a part of me that is actually

absolutely fascinated

by this because what i’m getting here right

again i’m sitting in

front of my computer

and i’m getting this

direct connection with

some fucking

guys who are

basically like gollum

from the lord of the rings

you know i mean like

think it is like some of the people in nigeria

see that somali

pirates and

all these fucking

nuts that they got me it’s a wild

crazy savage

world out there they’re just

millions and millions of

email just trying to fuck people out of

their money

that’s what

these guys are doing episode of intervention on annie

and one of the guys was getting interventioned

because he was addicted to

replying to

those kind of spam emails he blew his whole retirement

and he’d be on the

phone with africa and they’d be like we need

thirty more dollars he’s like okay i’m

right on it and he’s like

i’m not getting scammed i’m just waiting for my prize

money and his family is like

he doesn’t there’s an

intervention there’s intervention yeah

that they shouldn’t even

waste a show on that guy they

should just slap them you know like slap

them a couple times

take his internet

away that’s

not wasting

a show it’s fascinating

you know we talked

about this one guy that was

getting scammed by these

nigerian dudes and they pretended that they were a hot

chick and it was a

famous porno star

and they use her photos and this poor fucking guy

like this sad

old 60 year old man and he thought that it was real

he thought that he was really

gonna meet his queen

but what happened

this dummy flew to london 14 times

fourteen times mean for

whatever reason they

could never

quite hook up

there’s a good

website called four nineteen eater dot com

and they pretty much just

screw over all the scammers that’s oh really

whole websites

what you call

four nineteen eater dot com is it like a yell

for scammers

it’s it’s like opposite

trolling like baiting

right remember

when stan hope used to do that all the time

stan hope used to bait

child molesters i

think he read a book about it

didn’t he publish all them as a book or something

it seems like he does

did he do it for a job or no

no he did it for to be doug stanhope

that’s just how stanhope rocks it so he was

contacting these

child molesters and then

take all the

like all the fucked up shit that he

would say to them

you know pretending he was like a little kid

and they would

put it online

yeah there was a

whole website baiting

org remember that yeah

still around

i don’t think so but that 419

is awesome you got to

check that out there’s like the hall of fame

the trophy room

you know these people

yeah baiting

orgs here is it

yep this is

wil welcome to baiting

org one of the most fucked up sites on the internet

due to the mass amount of

sexual content

on this site we felt it was in everybody’s

best interest to give you the following disclaimer

and then you go in and it’s all

it’s the whole

thing is all them baiting

child monsters

it’s the fucking stanhope

stuff though if you

could find it yeah there’s a

bunch of them you can see them

there by stanhope

and they’re goddamn

genius you know i

think half of my lung

is filled with incense

you got some

crazy incense that

was huge that was like an incense log

that’s like

a fire log of incense

that’s the real

shit man i get it from the jamaicans outside of the

house of blues

it’s smoky what kind

you want man

is it too much

it’s almost like i feel like i don’t have any air

i just have

you’re like breathing and a

few hundred percent holy

suck it i’ll kill it don’t be a pussy

meanwhile you

smoke cigarettes

i know my eyes are

watering though

we’re all like

is yours do you feel it like

it feels like it’s just thick

now that you’re saying

it i’m noticing it but i wasn’t noticing it before

oh damn you

well you know what i’m trying to do man

i’ll try to recreate

what it used to be like back in the day when i

started out in the comedy clubs man and he

could just go into a smoky room and he knew that just

dark shit was

gonna happen

something about those

smoky rooms man where

you just knew no one’s taking care of their health here

this is a place of deviants that’s

right you know

that’s why i used to love smoky pool halls

pool halls used to be the best you go in

two o’clock in the morning the

place is packed and there’s

a thick cloud of cigarette

smoke yeah it’s

probably not so good for you but something

about it is just

god the worst is waking up the next day though and

smelling your clothes

oh god even

as a smoker

even as a smoker that’s disgusting

they still have one of

those in orange

county near

where i live

it’s a bar with pool

tables and stuff and you can

smoke cigarettes inside

i was having this conversation with a

buddy of mine

about those natural

cigarettes are those

things any better for you

i don’t think so they say they are it’s like vapor

and there’s no

carcinogens in it or something like in the back

here whoa whoa whoa

but it’s still tobacco

right smoking tobacco is not good for you

right well there’s no smoke

that’s correct

it’s kind of like well what are you talking

about i’m talking

about cigarettes

what do you talk

cigarettes i like

your time no

no no no natural

cigarettes i said natural

like those american

spirits things

are those better for you

they’re better for you because it

doesn’t have like the hundred

and two other chemicals in it yeah

yeah so yeah it’s better for you than

having a marble

light it is but

but i also have noticed when i

smoke those it’s like

it takes forever it’s like

i’m smoking 20 minutes instead of five minutes it

tastes like a bonfire

just it’s not it’s not the same

no it’s not

really it’s it’s not good

i like it but it’s

it feels like you’re smoking more a bonfire that’s an

interesting way to describe me like when you get like

smoke in your

mouth when you’re near a fire it’s like you cough on it

yeah it’s very

leafy and dry it’s like yeah

that doesn’t

sound good that’s not

it’s like an old song

like you barely even

you know feel like you’re smoking really

just feels calming or something i don’t

mind tobacco man i like tobacco in the form of cigars

tobacco when you like you

smoke a big cigar

especially have to have like a big meal

and have a big

cigar cigar

has to give you like a

weird buzz man if you

tried pipe what’s up

even if you’re not in like inhaling the cigar

you oh yeah yeah

yeah for sure

because you just

comes into your

blood supply

your your bloodstream through your

mouth immediately

yeah by the way

a lot of people don’t know that like anytime there’s

smoke in your

mouth it’s almost immediately in your

blood sweat

that’s when people say like

i’m not going to inhale this weed

you know you’re

still getting fucking

stoned as yeah

bill clinton you dumb

so fucking dumb

i did inhale

okay good then you didn’t get as high

right you still got high silly

you’re not getting

high on and you got bath salts pretty high yeah

so are they gonna

start recalling bath salt

yeah they’re making some bath salts illegal in ireland

right now it’s an epidemic all across the

world i wonder what it

would be like to snort mr bubble

dude this shit

the weird thing is it’s the names of it

ivory wave bliss

white lightning

hurricane charlie

chemicals can

cause hallucinations

paranoia rapid

heart rates and suicidal thoughts

it makes you attack yourself and it makes your nose

sound great

you know what your body is probably

your body’s probably so mad

that you’re such a dumb cunt that you snort bathsoles

that your body’s like oh we’re

gonna kill ourselves now all right you

wanna do this

bitch you wanna do this come on

get a knife well can’t

you get i mean you can pretty much get fucked up on

almost anything if you wanted to i don’t

think you could get fucked up to the

point where you wanna

slash your face off

i mean listen to the

things that people are doing man

they’re like attacking themselves yeah they’re

still conscious and

alive and stuff and it causes

apparently it’s super

the stimulants and

neurotransmitters in the

brain they’re saying

and this stuff

mdpv and methadrone

are made in the lab and they aren’t

regulated because they’re not

marketed for

human consumption

so these things are in

these bath salts

how the fuck is this

stuff in bath salts that’s like

you’re taking a bath with crank

like this is what you’re doing

you’re taking a bath with pcp

then why was that

in there i don’t know isn’t it just supposed to be salt

what the fuck is

going on it trips your

pores open and it you know gets in there and

squashes around yeah

it causes intense cravings for it and they’ll binge

on it for three to four days

before they show up in an er

and even though it’s a horrible trip they want to do it

again and again

it’s incredibly addictive

wow this is nuts

twenty five

states have received calls

about exposure

including nevada and california

louisiana leads with the

greatest number of calls at a hundred and

sixty five a hundred and

sixty five fucking people

i need to go to bed bath and beyond tonight seriously

wow this is

crazy might as well try it before they recall it they

should at least

stock up on it this

is really nuts

florida has 48

different calls

or 38 different

calls it’s like the highest demanded drug now soap

cast that’s a

strange strange thing

that all of a

sudden they figure out that they can

smoke it’s almost like you like

found another hole in the system

like people

wanna get high so bad

you know oh we

found this new shit

hundreds of people are doing this this is

crazy wow and

apparently it’s

not something you do recreation it’s not like

i tried it i didn’t like it

you know really do it you get

crazy a face

slashing zombie

this is nuts man

i wonder if you

could like just

do a little bit less of it and not turn into a face

slashing zombie

maybe they’re

just doing way too much you know like

whoa here it

is shots this is what they’re saying the problem grew

in rural mississippi

after a law

began restricting the sale

of pseudo f

ephedrine the key ingredient

in making methamphetamine

sudafedrine

yeah sudafedrine

so when they stopped

selling that stuff

restricting the

sale of it they couldn’t get meth anymore so they got

crazy and then they

tried this shit

this is worse than meth

oh my god this

is something that’s fucking up meth heads

like they used to just be meth heads

and then they

started doing bath salts and cutting

their faces off i want to hear

about the kids who

tried it who

started this

phenomenon you know i don’t

think it was

kids were they

yeah i bet it wasn’t kids really

yeah you know that

never happened

i bet there’s some fucking

crazy guy like in that

breaking bad show

there was some some

some sort of a scientist character and he realized that

bath salts will fuck you up too

so just started giving them to people

that’s possible but you can’t even corner that

market if you tell them it’s bath salts right

so they must have held them at gunpoint

to get the secret

so listen man just bath salts

this is the

greatest fucking

crack of all time man

give me the shit i’m taking over the

world listen to

go just can

you imagine

getting to the

point remember when you used to get

those things for christmas

where it was

like a bag of bath salts you know it was like a

decorative item

given to you by a

like have you seen them

it looks like a snowball

yeah yeah it’s like

right and that’s

gonna be like your

eight ball is one of those

things yeah

wow there aren’t they aren’t

regulated that’s the real problem

meanwhile they just made fucking five methoxy

dimethyltryptamine illegal they made it

super illegal now you

can’t get it anywhere if you have it you’re in trouble

that shit used to be able

you still buy it online

trip to me yeah

five methoxy

dimethyltryptomine

which is like the most potent

form of dmt

you should be able

to buy it online yeah you can buy a jug of it and just

get blasted on it to the end of time

oh my god now it’s a

schedule one

yeah now it’s

right there with marijuana

yeah used to be able to just buy it it’s weird

and then someone figured out like hey you can

get really high off this shit you just buy it online

that’s pretty

silly if you

if you get caught with acid you go to jail forever

you know not forever but

you get caught with anything anything like acid

if you get caught with any kind of acid

you know anything where they

think you’re doing that or you’re making your

own drugs that’s even crazier than mushrooms or pot

because what are you doing you’re

synthesizing a chemical

specifically

for the purpose of getting people fucked up

like you’re a special case

you’re in a fucking

you know you got like rubber

gloves and shit in a lab coat on and you’re in your

bathtub and you’re making enough acid to get like a

whole state high

you can make a

you can make enough

acid in your bathtub to get like a million people

on that’s accidentally

splashing it on your arm oh my god

it took me five years to make this ass because

every time i

would like to splash it

die for like two

months listen

i met this girl a couple years ago and she told me

that she has this friend who like obviously

went crazy moved

away to a different state

but she got pulled over by the cops and had a

whole vial of acid on her

and she drank

oh my god what

and she tripped for like 60 days and fucking like

split town and like it’s been a weirdo ever

since i never met

the girl oh my god

she she drink it

why won’t you just pour it on the

ground on the carpet

right yeah she’s

ridiculous all of a

sudden her car just

starts going dun dun dun dun

terrible car

comes a life and becomes a

transformer

wow i’ve heard stories

about people that’s the number one drug that i’ve

heard stories

about people losing their shit on yeah

just breaking

you know just

see ya broke it

broke it i think i think acid

in any like any

psychedelic even dmt i think if you do it

a certain amount of times you’re probably not

gonna be the same as before i knew what

dude did it a hundred times and he totally became crazy

just was doing dmt all the time to the

point where when he

would do dmt

the dmt entities

would talk to him and go do do do you

gotta stop coming here joe settle

settle the fuck down

killing our

buzz man dmt

when you have a dmt

experience like

a lot of it

is marked by communication with whatever the fuck it is

it could be

that you’re communicating with some

other part of your consciousness

that you don’t normally have access to or it

could be the

great beyond like this well of souls or it could be

aliens in another dimension you’re

communicating with something

whatever it is is really just speculative

but this guy when he

would go over

there the dmt whatever he was connecting to was

going do do do do stop

stop smoking dmt

every day this is crazy

funny when the dmt

spirits are actually

annoyed with you come on dude

you come here all the time when

you fucking eat my food

stinky feet are on my couch

yeah the fuck bro get it together

that’s funny

yeah you know man

until they figure out a way

to let people do whatever the fuck they want with

their bodies

do whatever the fuck you want

you’re gonna always have

a gang of different drug problems

what people are afraid of though is that when you

start making

everything legal

well then kids

could get a hold of it and everyone

could get addicted and

that is definitely true you do run

those problems

you do run a chance of there being a little bit of a

spike once it becomes

initially legal

you you gonna have to let people learn

you have to

raise your kids and tell them to

never do that shit

you have to

be around other people that raise

their kids and tell them you know don’t do math it’s

gonna kill you don’t do heroin it’s bad for you

you could smoke pot it’s not

gonna hurt you if you

drink let me know i want to be there

i want to let you know i want to make sure you don’t

drive home drunk

people can navigate

their way through a lot of different

substances in the society if you just allowed us to

but as soon as you

start making shit illegal and restricting

the access to

a bunch of different

things people

can’t figure out what’s good and what’s bad

that’s why there’s a lot of people that

think that mushrooms will fuck your mind up you

know smokepot

you’re become a lazy

piece of shit

why because they don’t have access to it

if everybody had access to it

especially weed

if everybody had access to weed

we would all

think of it the same way that

stoners think of it

stoners pretty much universally

look at pot and say well it’s very

beneficial to me it calms me down it gives me

perspective it makes me silly

and then there’s

the medical uses for it all i mean it’s like

universal amongst the people that use it

well how come the

other people don’t

share that opinion

it’s because they’re not using it

it’s really that simple

people that are anti pot

it’s possible that you have some

weird reaction to pot

in which case i

would say hey don’t do it

you don’t have to do it

i guarantee you if you’re not doing it and you’re

describing what it is you don’t know yeah or they have

like a mom or

a dad or brother that was like lazy as shit

while they smoked weeds they’re like oh no everybody

is like that

i totally witnessed

that and i’m

like no it’s not like that your brother’s fucking lazy

yeah they don’t see enough ambitious

stoners out there i know

people don’t understand

it will give you a different perspective and it

might not necessarily

be a better perspective but it’s good to look at

things a different way all the time

every now and then

rather you know if you looking at things the

exact same way you can get

locked into sort of a mental pattern

where you think that

things make sense

you know and then you need like a good

good really fucking

a good real good bake session

where you just

completely float away

you know when you and your friends

are sitting around like me how many times we had

these conversations like special like

after shows

where we just

completely barbecued like eating dinner

and we’re all just like

breaking down the universe or

figuring out life or

just having these

these conversations

where you almost

can’t get there on your own

there’s some conversations that

you get to when you’re high and you’re like man i don’t

think i can take responsibility for this conversation

i don’t think i ever

would have got here if i wasn’t high

you know absolutely

of course a lot of

those conversations are not as cool as they

would be and they’re just talking

about how fritos

would be good in

a peanut butter and

jelly sandwich

you know now i

like i like

those talks as really really nice marijuana driven

talks because you can’t get that when you’re hammered

no you know you don’t

it’s more like

a good a good

stoner conversation not a dumb one but

a good one you know everybody’s kind of in that groove

man you figure out a lot of shit in

those conversations

the knicks squirts and have a jaguar

i don’t know what kind of guy

they just put on tmz

that he somebody

stole his jaguar last week outside the improv

on a friday night

well but it happens

or he’s just

trolling tmz

do you think you

would troll

tmz i don’t

see him having it he

didn’t have you can’t say that you got your car stolen

they can find that out pretty easy it’s like a felony

unless they’re that lazy

well not the felony to tell

tmz a lie what if

the cops be behind it

no not if you just telling tmz

oh i guess if

tmz you just

could say whatever yeah

yeah you can say whatever the fuck you want

those cunts

the whole the fucking

jim norton over this weekend i saw jim norton at

cap city comedy club when i was in austin

i was down in austin for the

fight for the

troops and i had friday off so i went to cap city

and norton had some of the funniest fucking jokes

on tiger woods

my god he was killing

me and mel gibson he was fucking killing me dude

really really funny shit

putting out with him

after yeah yeah yeah we went out to eat and club soda

kenny was there

and chris chris from the flusher

joe yeah he’s a good guy

and but it was just it was so fun and refreshing

and right when i

think that like i always start

thinking that

maybe i have too many dick jokes

like why is my sense of

humor so juvenile

like it’s always like

someone sucking dicks

heard some dick goes in there or you know

whatever it just becomes

a dick joke

somewhere or another i mean time machine jokes

become dick jokes

right just i have a really juvenile

sense of humor

and i was like

maybe there’s a problem with that like

i know that’s what i like

but maybe i

should expand

let me try like

relax and then i saw norton and

every other joke was a dick joke

and i fucking howled all the way through

like literally

every other joke

and we had a conversation

about i go you like gave

me like positive affirmation like sometimes i worry

that i have too many dick jokes oh i

never think

about that and i was

thinking about that

he goes that’s what i

think about i’m

a sick fucking person

he’s funny man he was really

funny it was refreshing

it’s good to see you know when

we work all the time it’s like i don’t get to see like

a full headliner set it’s like real

rare that i get to see someone in a comedy club working

and just be an audience

member and sit down there

so it was cool man it was fucking i was howling

but here’s a

weird thing man

there was these two

local comics that were watching

and the fucking he was killing okay

norton was fucking killing

and these two guys were

watching like this

hater dead faced

just totally dead face

and i was like wow that’s

weird like you don’t

think this is fuck

i was crying laughing

you know at certain

points i mean just really

well crafted jokes

really funny had this been

about tiger woods

about i don’t want to do it i don’t want to fuck it up

i don’t want

to paraphrase it i don’t want to ruin it but

i was crying

i was fucking crying i looked over

these guys are

stone faced

haters well

that is haters well it’s

also they’re trying

they’re probably fascinated

like it’s a big deal to be working with a big name

jim norton’s a big name national act you know

right so then

they get to work with them then they’re judging

their own performance

against his

and trying to

think if they’re better than

him so much

jealousy with comedy

especially the

the guys that are like i

could do better than this person

well there’s a lot of guys that are just

starting out

or they’ve been doing it for a couple

years that for some reason they feel like your success

takes away from

their success and they

should have more

success than they do

very weird thing man

to be a person that wants to be on

stage with your

voice amplified and a spotlight on you

you gotta be fucked up

and i’m talking as one of them and i’m talking to two

other ones you guys are both

comics you know you both do

stand up you know you

gotta be fucking crazy

to want to do that

and so a lot of

these people they’re

so desperate to even out

their life they’re so desperate to finally get some

success it’s

so desperate to put it all together and have the big

picture in front of them and

finally move on past this disaster of a

childhood that

they want to

claim ownership of

their life so they get

super hyper ambitious

i’ve met people who are like

you know i hate

stand up i just get up on

stage because it’s challenging for me but i hate it

every second of it and i’m like that’s kind of strange

who says that they just suck

i know she says that

you can’t be good and say that you have to suck

it’s just period

except steve martin

steve martin didn’t like

stand up in the end

you know usually

it was too easy for him

apparently and he was awesome you know let’s get small

that’s some fucking great shit

like i remember when the jerk came out

steve martin was hilarious johnson navin are

sounds like a typical bastard

fun shit man he was funny

funny comedian man

but he just

it got too crazy

he was so big

that everything he said got laughs and

he lost perspective and

he stopped doing it

he was so good

he had to stop

i don’t know man

he was such a letdown for me because i was such a huge

steve martin fan what was the letdown

it was just you know that part like around

sergeant bilco years where he just

kind of lost

the part that was funny to me

about him it’s like

i can’t really tell what it is

i can tell you exactly what it is

just age i guess

it happens to all of them it happens to almost everyone

it’s very difficult to maintain a sense of humor as

first of all as your body starts to decay

and second of all as you

have all these relationship problems

which they always do

you just have these

fantastic weddings that turn into

bitter divorces their

spirits start dying

and then you

wonder well this is it i’m here already and now i’m

like 45 or something like that and i’m a

movie star and i’m making all this

money and i don’t even

enjoy myself and i don’t

even enjoy the product and what is

funny anymore

and when you’re not doing stand up

when you don’t have that immediate

for me at least i

would not be confident in whether or not what i

think is funny

i know that

i know how to make things

funny i know what

things are funny and aren’t

funny because i do

stand up so much

so it’s like

you become like

immersed in the language of comedy

but when you’re removed from that

completely removed

from the idea or the act of creating the comedy

and then producing and then putting on

stage and then performing it

and then honing it and then

sharpening up the bits

and you learn

things from

that like oh that was way better when i did it this way

cause i got to it

quicker and the people

understood it better

you become immersed in the language of comedy

you stay good you stay good

but when they stop doing comedy

man they stop writing comedy and they just sort of like

just act in

movies for a while like

you just you

might as well be living on mars

motherfucker

you’re not even living with people

you’re walking around

in a plastic bubble and people are getting you know

bagels and locks at the

craft service

table and you pulling up in a ferrari and

complaining

because there’s an up

knock in it

piece of shit haha

you know you go in a set and you get makeup put on you

no they’re fucking fitting a hair

piece to you to make your hair look big and thick

yeah i mean that’s what what kind of a weird

world is that

and you’re walking

down the carpet and that’s your interaction with humans

your interaction with

humans is on the set

and people serving

you and then your next project and it’s always this

weird relationship

where you’re a star

and they’re the

underlings and they all need to keep you

happy to keep

their job and

so everyone’s like

super supportive and you don’t

even know what the fuck is up and what’s down you just

drunk all the time and fucked up on pills

you know you don’t even know

lose yourself it’s the reason why so many of

these guys become

completely insane

you know that

world that the idea of living like that is just you

gotta be out of your fucking head

one of the most frustrating

things ever when i

first moved to hollywood was just dealing with actors

you know guys who’d have done it

their whole lives and guys who had

been involved in the business for just decades and just

be dealing with them like

you aren’t even fucking real

you know you’re so

odd and fake and everybody’s fake and

it’s like everybody accepts that everyone’s

fake no one’s calling anybody out on any of this

the behavior is so strange you know everybody’s pompous

and she does a lot of

extra work and

so she’s always on sets with like

like she was on set the

other day with was that guy’s name

the rapper l

cool j and cool j and

stuff like that did you ever have any like

crazy stories of like

working with some of

these people because you

okay this is funny

ll cool j is

walking around i didn’t know who it was someone

pointed it out

you don’t know who

ll cool j is i didn’t know what he looks like i’ve only

heard him i

never looked at his

picture what was the other

thing that you didn’t know

that we were talking

about she doesn’t know a lot of

stuff which is

kinda cool you

didn’t know

something yesterday that was really

weird though

oh you didn’t know

about the howard stern show

you didn’t know who robin was

that there was howard

stern oh yeah

that to me is

she doesn’t know a lot of

things like you go do you

know this tv show and she’s like what cosby show that

doesn’t make

sense i would

think that you

would be able to

most people

would be able to name who

robin quivers was and howard

and know that

is hurt more people

would know that than

know who was president before clinton

yeah but you know nowadays howard

stern she’s 22

you know she

still she missed the big howard

stern really

yeah i mean

yeah the point okay because he was on

satellite radio

when you were like in high school

right yeah okay that makes

sense you know

right wow still seems insane

yeah so what

about oh anyway go

ahead lo cool j

so you didn’t know who el cool

jay is like a child

i didn’t know what

lo cool j looked like

but someone

pointed him out to me and he’s

going up all

on set all around like the girls and he’s like

hey ladies how you doing rubbing

their shoulders

he’s like yeah you looking good what you doing i’m not

i’m looking at him do this and i’m like this guy is

ridiculous like

he’s walking around like he owns the

place touching all

these like young girls and they’re like haha

and i’m like you better not

touch me something you can

use like your ll

cool j credit just to be like hey ladies

i just thought it was like kind of the douchiest

thing hmm but

were you hating because

he didn’t come rub on you oh no what am i a psycho

do the girls not like it

no the girls were into it i’m

looking at and i’m like that’s so unreal

like he just walking around like but if

they liked it what’s the problem

if they liked it and he liked doing it

yeah i don’t

know it’s just it’s odd you thought that he was

gonna do it to you that’s why it was

weird no it’s just

weird that he does it because he’s

ll cool jay

cause a regular

guy who’s not his

status wouldn’t walk around like yeah

right right

but he is ll

cool j right

yeah that’s what she’s saying

is weird it’s

but it’s not a normal person is walking up

is it is he

using that credit if the girls actually like it

that’s where it gets tricky

if they actually like him doing that is he

using it or is it

no no she’s not even saying that she’s just saying it’s

weird seeing somebody act like that in

general i don’t give a shit

what they do

right i totally

agree with you but

if they like it

is it still weird

like if i saw that it

would be weird

if i saw some guy walking around

going hey what’s up baby oh

give me a kiss

it was good

but why would we

judge this if he’s

enjoying it and they’re

enjoying it

you know i’m

saying it’s one

thing if you

came up to you and you were like okay this is fucking

i just came here to work

all right i don’t want to be

weirded out by some

cult of personality

but that be me being like

prissy then no that’s not you

no no that’s not you being prissy

no i just someone

should not violate your

space like if

you know if that was like

if you were there or

you know you’re dating a guy and he’s

right next to you know cool j did that that

would be disrespectful

right yeah of course right

well that then

it’s disrespectful even if your boyfriend’s

not there you’re not supposed to go up to someone just

start touching them

you know you gotta

he’s gotta know that you like him

first or there’s

gotta be some

communication

going hey can i rub your

shoulders you can’t just go up and

start rubbing people’s

shoulders but that’s what he was doing i know and

they liked it

that’s the problem

that’s like the clinton move and clinton

would just pull his dick out on girls did you know

clinton used to do that

now yeah dude he did it a

bunch of times

which is hilarious

cause it’s like a frat boy move

like clinton

would be alone with

chicks and just pull his dick out

and people would go how

could he do that i’ll tell you how he

could do that

cause it worked

right it probably worked

80 of the time

you know it probably

worked even more than that he’s fucking bill clinton

i bet if he felt a

thing he felt

the green light i’m

gonna go for it

i bet he whipped out his dick and like 80

of the time it was a home run

but it was those

the awkward 20

that would just it would just

crash into the woods like he misread them or

they just got so offended that he

would do that that they just

flipped over the

other way you know whatever the fuck it is but

he would rock that all the time that’s what he

would do just pull his dick out

what’s your hatred

of hot chicks

but hold on a second

i’m not finished there

so that’s like what l cool’s doing

he’s doing a very mild version of pulling his dick out

he’s just going for it yeah i guess so

so if you’re with a guy

right and you

really attracted the guy and he pulls his dicks out

his dick out and you just go for it

i’d be like what do you

think i am like

yeah i’m an animal

but what if you’re

really into him if you’re really into the guy

it’s possible right

if i was a chick it depends

if it’s a perfect situation

the perfect circumstance the guy pulls his dick huh

you gotta go

what the hell

i think there’s a difference though if like

really liking lol

cooljay cause he’s

a celebrity and liking his rap and then

thinking okay now he has his dick

kick out wait

okay we’re not talking

about l cool j

that was the president

this is a different story

we’re mixing up our metaphors

but i think i totally

agree with you i

would think it would be

gross too but

if they like it and he likes it

then it’s a

match made in set heaven

yeah set heaven

there you go yeah well you know i mean i bet

a lot of girls that come on the show just to meet him

you know a little cool

jazz a suck symbol

right a lot of those

freaky bitches they probably come on

shore they probably act as

extras just to meet lol

oh i can’t believe you

right there oh my goodness

it’s probably mostly

forty year old

women down thirty year old

woman really

i don’t know

young girls

going oh my god lol

you’re crazy he’s a stud

he’s a star really

he’s twenty two years old

right here built like a linebacker

you probably

you might think like girls

think that that sexy but i’m like i see

a 45 year old

man who’s probably

married i don’t know

but he just looks like a man like

he looks like

a normal man but he’s not

he’s not sexy

okay l cool j is sexy

if i was a chick i

would find him very sexy

he’s built he’s got fucking workout books was on the

cover completely shredded

you’re hating my oh cool jake

theory is starting to become correct

what is the

ll cool j theory

i don’t know this is the second time we’ve talked

about ll cool j and then you’ve defended his

honor so i’m thinking well because i

think you’re in well with ok

i probably wouldn’t want to hang out with the dude but

i defend his right to be cocky

he’s hello cool j pulled it off

you know plus he’s

a rapper rappers have to be cocky that’s part of the

sport yeah i don’t know if it’s just me it’s

attractive to know

a guy is physically fit

and has like physical fitness

but it’s not like hot all because they’re like muscular

bill that’s all that’s all you everybody’s different i

think everybody is different

i was talking last

night there’s a lot of girls a lot of guys like fat

chicks like a big bitch

big fat ones we have friends

we have this one fan he’s not happy

those are girls just

30 40 pounds overweight he likes it

he likes them jiggly and barely hanging into their

clothes for whatever reason it turns him on

and he’s a skinny guy

hmm just this

thing hmm hmm

i think it’s a

smell that they give off that

some certain people just like that fucking

like food right

like pheromones

right like like like it’s like a difference between

sweaty butt and thigh

and mixed with

old hamburgers that turns people on yeah maybe you know

what i think it is

honestly i think it’s your first sexual experience

you know you know a really hot

sexual experience with a fat girl and you beat your

brain becomes imprinted to sexuality being attracted

maybe that happens to some people

that is kind of interesting that means i would like

brown hair girls with big boobs

brown haired girls with big boobs

that was your first yeah

tell us more

do you do you get that

do you have like a specific type no i don’t not at all

not at all not crazy

pretty much is what i look for nowadays

not crazy and not crazy yeah

what percentage of girls that you’ve dated have been

crazy most of them 90 yeah

interesting

what do you do you think girls are crazy allison

you’re around a lot of chicks

you think the majority of your friends are to

blame and that they’re like the

crazy person

a lot of the girls i’m friends with they’ll be like

so i have an issue with

my boyfriend but i

think i’m just not gonna tell him and like

see if it will go away without me telling him but i’m

gonna act mad at him next time i see him

alright so here’s the question why

would you do

that here’s a question when you’re around a

bunch of people and you keep

having relationships like this over and over and over

again when you’re with

crazy people you have all

these problems

how do you stop that

how do you reset

and how do you

somehow another move forward without all this

bullshit in your life how do you do that

um i tried to like most most of my

crazy ass bitches i

tried to remain

friends with them and have some kind of cool

level with them where

i it makes yourself kind of heal that way to think

okay this person’s fucking

crazy but i

could still be friends with this

crazy bitch you know

right but i’m saying how do you move

forward in your own life and stop this from happening

stop this pattern from a people how do i stop dating

crazy bitches

become gay obviously

start sucking dick a little cool j look me up

where you at

where you at girl

that was a sad

sad sad answer

i think the

answer is you

don’t have an answer no no i really don’t have

an answer i mean how do you have an answer you can’t

i mean look at alison psycho mcgui’s over there she’s

about to snap look at her

yeah are you

about to snap

some of those those

uncomfortable moments in the drunk cast

especially the first one

when you guys were hanging on each

other i’m like wow

do you really want this out there man

why because you’re so

silly it was

like it felt like

dirty i was like it was like a voyeur

like i was in

you know not just

a voyeur but

like i was watching two people in a living room

hanging out and they were

drunk and they were being

silly together like gosh oh my gosh i shouldn’t be here

that’s great

with the gym pants on

no i never had

pants on well that’s

probably what the main reason was you shouldn’t be

watching us i walk around

naked like a caveman bro one of

my good friends i grew up with i’ve known him

since we were like ten

he says he was

watching it and he’s like honestly

i got like kind of uncomfortable feeling as i was

watching it

people actually said

yeah you know

why because he wants to fuck you that’s what’s up

what me dude oh that

dude yeah you got

uncomfortable you know why you got uncomfortable

cause it was me

it’s just i’m

not the guy i was when i was younger and she don’t know

you don’t know me

i’m just like i thought you were gay

you thought he was gay

i did when we were like

kids but he

has a girlfriend and he has a

girlfriend but he does have a

thing for you huh

he said it once

and i was like there you go

i was like get the fuck out of my room

oh really what happened

i’m all high and i’m trying to go to bed

and he was living with me

and he comes to my he was living

with me whoa here’s your roommate

yeah cause his parents got kicked him out of the

house did you ever find like loads in your

shoes or anything like that

is how that was

no he comes

in my room and he’s like hey allison sit in my little

chair like this next to my bed

and i’m like hey what’s going on

like so i’ve been

thinking like if we

weren’t such good friends

i would fuck you

and i was like get the fuck out of my room whoa yeah

and that’s it we

never brought

it back up i brought it back up a couple weeks

later and i was like you

wanna fuck me and he’s like no i don’t

he’s making

fun of you were making fun of him saying you

wanna fuck me

oh what a friends awesome

what a confidence

booster awesome having you around

spread you didn’t jump out of a fucking window and i’ll

never get it wow

well you know how old was he at the time

we were nineteen yeah

last year you don’t know what the

fuck last year

eighteen nineteen yeah

many months yeah okay bro

thirty fucking

two and a half years

seventeen hundred days

yeah not that much really when you

think about it

two and a half years ago you were the same guy was i

when you’re like

twenty two though

different fucking

world if you knew me and

22 you’d be so

scared of me or two and a half years before that right

yeah were you

crazy back then uh

i was crazier and

when i was the hippie probably just because i was

fucked up we were talking

about earlier we were talking about

jersey shore

like could you imagine if you had a

video a cameras

following you around back when you were at that

stage no you

would come off so douchey

yeah oh my god so gross

even when i was 18 i used to like

think i was invincible

i went through that

whole stage

where i’m like yeah i don’t need to wear my seatbelt

all that other bullshit oh really i

gotta get a motorcycle

kinda yeah and then

you get out of that

stage and you’re like what was i doing have you

never been hurt before i have

i got hurt a

bunch of times as a kid so i

never had that feeling i

broke my arm when i was six i

snap like a like snap my forearm into

where i was like hanging off it was

fucking creepy

it was like a big

dent in the

middle of my forearm and like my hand was like the

wrong you know

it was like

hanging like folded it’s like traumatizing

yeah it was really bad it was a bad break yeah

they didn’t have to put

plates in it

though they just set it somehow or another you

should hear this car accident

she was in man really fucking

you wanna talk

about that about

her boyfriend and her wearing a

how old were you

um i was 15

seat belt or no seat belt seat belt

okay and i was in the back seat got

my best friend the girl who actually said i wasn’t a

woman of god

she went crazy from this

what happened

really from this from this accident

you could have included that when you were telling us

how nutty she was now it’s good

cause i can relate it oh okay

okay so she’s sitting on my right

or whatever my left my boyfriend at the time is on my

right there’s a guy driving

and we’re going down the road

and we’re gonna go to this

haunted house

so he makes like a u turn and

winds up hydroplaning and we hit a tree

going like fifty five

miles an hour oh

and i wake up

covered in blood oh

everyone had a

pretty much get cut out of the car and my boyfriend

was pronounced dead

but he lived but was in a coma for two

months and had

brain surgery all because my

cheekbone hit his temple

and it’s like severed an artery

and his brain got pushed over to the side

and the other kid was pronounced dead but

lived but he’s like kind of

brain damaged he’s okay now though

and then my best friend who

obviously was okay

next to me but she got a concussion and

after that she was like i’m a

woman of god

oh really so

i yeah the next day i’m

i’m in the hospital and the guy comes in and he goes

alice and i

wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t bad news

but one of the guys aren’t

gonna make it through the

night i was like oh

great there’s my boyfriend and i is um

like eleventh

month anniversary

that day so it was like really fucked up

then i go to the hospital finally to go see him and

they were reading him his last

rites cause they were

gonna loan his

organs out wow

but he lived and he was

kinda like slow

for a while

but now he’s totally fine

he’s not the same person before the accident but

well he has

a big indent of your face on his face yeah

he has this big

like scar all the way to here and all because like my

cheekbone was just like smash damn

god damn yeah that was nuts but

hydroplaning is

scary as fuck man

those old shitty cars

my first car was a

sixty eight four four two

my first car my

first car was a seventy

three chevelle

my first car that was like

worth more than ten dollars

was a 68 44 2 it was an

old hot rod

and it had a

400 cubic inch engine it was like way too much

power for a retard like me you know i was like 16

maybe 17 at the time

and i hydroplane

right in front of my school

i just had bald tires the tires just

weren’t that good and there was a lot of

water on the ground and the car slid sideways and

slammed into a fucking telephone pole and a tree

broke the car in half

what happened to you

nothing nothing was fun

and the crazy thing is

me and the two dudes i was driving with were fun

we weren’t going that fast

it was just a shitty car

just fucking old

you know and it

you know if you hit the tree like that with a new car

today it wouldn’t do nearly as much damage

but that car just

broke in half it was just kind of old and

the frame wasn’t good i guess

but i hit it

pretty good i mean i hit it pretty decent but

i wasn’t even

going that fast man i was just

just those old

cars they just they have no control of them they

suck man the

brakes sucked oh

remember how long it used to take

oh my god i had a skylark a 1970 skylark

and you would

you have to like be really careful with the brakes

you have to

be really careful with stopping like stop way

earlier than you

think cause you but come on come on come

on come on come on you fuck come on come on come on

like every time you stop it was like an ordeal

you know you like have a new car

today man with disc brakes

abs and shit you

yeah technology brother technology

someday they’re

gonna be making fun of people for driving around

they like remember when people how to like

get in their car and

drive places

when people had to wake up and go outside when the

mail when the mail teleport bro you’re

gonna be able to teleport you’re

gonna be able to

move like the mailman when is that

gonna go out of business

that’s very soon that’s like

five years i

would say i

still send things and buy

things and get

things ordered by mail and send

i have to send

checks in and stuff

it’s gonna be so

unpractical

soon well the problem is when you have no paper

you have no fucking you know it’s like

things are getting

weirder and

weirder at one

point in time

money used to represent gold

right used to represent

your this 100 dollar bills worth 100

worth of gold

well it doesn’t really

mean that anymore now it’s like

you just have

confidence that this 100

is worth 100

and what happens if it’s all just numbers

like if you don’t even have paper

you’re constantly looking at computer

screens those

screens are telling you what your numbers are and

where are these numbers located

are they somewhere

are they even fucking real

and then the economy becomes so

transparent and so elusive and

and it becomes too fucking strange

you know i think we need some physical form we need

money we need

paper money

you know we

still need that shit we need something to just

cling us to the idea that

money is a real thing

and when it all just becomes

zeros and ones and zeros and then just people just

start jacking each

other for their ones and zeros and

adding ones and zeros

where they don’t belong and

it’s fucking it’s not good man

it’s like all the shit that’s going down

you know all the

money that goes

to iraq and afghanistan and how much of its missing

like all that the halibut and scams and scandals

it’s fucking billions

billions of dollars missing

yeah they don’t know

where it is

they’ll find it did something

and lately the u2

bono’s organization read

do you know

about all this

it’s supposed to be for aids in africa

66 percent of the

money is stolen

they don’t know

where the fuck it went

people are stealing

from bono’s and

helping aids organization people just suck

jake the stealing is

going on over there or around here question i don’t

think they’ve isolated it yet

you know could have easily be

going on in africa

yeah i mean how can you put it past africa

right one for you one for me that

documentary of iberia how they had to get out of there

cause they heard that the guys had money

so the guys were

filming i had to get out were you talking about the

vice guide to

liberia we talk

about that on the podcast almost every week

really because it’s so fucking

crazy if you have not seen it

folks please get it

you said it’s on netflix

right yeah netflix

streaming yeah

um how do we get into this conversation

we’re talking

about project red

oh the the scam

you know the

the billions of dollars missing this is you to sky

bono’s fucking organization and then the the

haliburton shit how much

money is missing there

if halburton was like one guy

they would never be able to get away with that

you know it was one person it’s like

where’s like

you’re missing billions

where is it

i don’t know

i know it’s gone

but because the corporation

you know it’s like you

could you could be missing billions

but the weird thing is

they get to vote

like a person

like in these they get to use

money like a

person and make donations like a person like one of

the most recent yeah

one of the most recent

findings or supreme

court rulings was that corporations had the same

rights as an

individual so they could donate

money like an

individual can donate like whatever you want

which is ridiculous

so vermont is the first

state to step up and deny that vermont is the first

state they recently

announced that they are knowing not going to

allow corporations to behave as a as a

human being

and that they’re

gonna judge them

in a different way so it’s kind of interesting you know

it’s interesting that one state

finally has the balls to step up

you know vermont is a

weird state it’s always been like real kind of hippie

you know kind of like ben and

jerry’s grateful deadish and

it’s not that many people up there

you know it’s nothing

where that bob dole guy came from not bob dole the

other guy the guy that was the

guy he was running for president john carrie

no no no the guy was running for president and then he

screamed too much and they

fucking cunt

you don’t know his name but

it turned to you i’m trying to

search i’m like

searching my

brain nothing

i don’t remember his name god damn it

he was a really

articulate guy

i’m sure someone

on twitter will tell me almost immediately

he was a really

articulate guy

but for whatever reason he did this one

speech where

while he was doing a

speech fucking homeboy

started yelling

just to like

it was just like he

excited then we’re gonna

you know then we’re

gonna take over new york and i’m

gonna take over california

oh my god it was like at a rally

and he didn’t realize you know that the microphone

you know when you

think you’re

screaming and yelling

you know and you

think that the

sound of the

crowd is like

you’re at the same level the

sound of the

crowd so you can’t even hear your own voice

the microphone’s

right in front of his face

so the microphone was only picking him up

so it sounded like

extra completely crazy

all right someone will tell me on the message

board please

because i know you fuckers know whose name is

sixty six percent of bono’s money

howard dean

thank you sir mr denizen

he came up with it that’s the dude’s name

howard dean i believe he was the governor of vermont

so it’s a freaky little fucking state

but they stepped

up and said that corporations aren’t people

you fuckheads

will that help

no not unless you move to vermont

do you want to move to vermont no

yeah vermont no my friend

shane lived at night and there was

points where it was snowing so bad that he had to like

drive through

tunnels just you know like they had to

he was stuck at his

house for weeks at times

oh yeah oh yeah

that’s normal fuck that yeah vermont’s no joke

you can’t be

traveling on the road as much as we do in living room

on so that’s out right

there was one

other thing that i want to talk

about before we get out of here

but i don’t remember what it is

um got anything brian um

yeah did you guys hear yeah i think i already told you

but flavor flavor has a new chicken

he’s selling chicken now and

it’s hilarious it’s called flavor flavors

fried chicken

i want it and it’s in i believe iowa

and if you gotta google it

just google

search that

and just look at the advertising for it just

one it doesn’t even look like flavor flavor

flavor flames

fried chicken this is

him mixed with

chicken wings

there’s a lot of people love chicken and iowa

hilarious i guess so

there is stuff

flavor flavors one of

those dudes just always

gonna kind of be around

yeah you know

yeah you don’t hear

about chuck d anymore you

never hear about professor griff

you know here

about other members

yeah you know

terminator x

where’s terminator x bro i don’t know

i don’t know but flavor flav

did you watch the flavor flavor show where

they were trying to get him a

girlfriend yes

and the one girl who shit on the

stairs yes that was so fucking you

see that i didn’t see that

part brian yes there um

what happened she passed out and she shitted on the

stairs or something like that something like that

so she shit

and it went

wound up on

stairs or she yeah

the fuck was that i

think she was walking up the

stairs and she shit her pants

yeah fell out on the how

long did he keep

her on the show oh i don’t know but i mean come on what

what kind of

human is just shitting themselves yeah that’s

funny walking

around dropping logs out of

their parents

i want to wish

hope that’s

completely real too

oh like some like

stone director

like dude just put a little poop coming out

he had all the girls make chicken

and see what make the best chicken

and then he

this one lady served him and he’s like are you

serious this isn’t even cooked i can’t believe you’d

serve this because

she fucked it up

well that’s

unfortunate

kicked her off

some people

aren’t that good at making chicken guess not

the reality shows don’t have to make things up man

those shows they don’t have to

you know shows like jersey shore you don’t have to

there’s enough craziness out there teen moms

you don’t have to you don’t have to make something up

it’s like i auditioned for that wwe divas

thing and then i didn’t really know what it was all

about and she

told me i did

when was this last week

oh what in the house

um she was like

house it’s a show yeah i guess like you get in the

house and then you do all these like competitive type

things where you battle for like a wwe diva

where you do like interviews and fight sometimes

right the girl

was like you’re almost perfect for this spot dinner

and i was like

sweet and then i was thinking

about it i’m like

it’s gonna be six weeks of filming and they’re gonna

it’s gonna be

crazy reality show probably

if it did work out

all right so was i i

would never want to be in a

house for six weeks i

would never do

those reality show

house yeah when you’re twenty two

fuck i like taking opportunities that

sound like kind of crazy

so i actually

would probably

might do it so you

gonna do it you

gonna be a pro wrestler

you know what some day when you’re a big name pro

russell and you’re on tv and you’re battling

we’ll say we called it here first

when you’re like a

like an interviewer

and then you get

drawn into the fight

right that’s what’s

gonna happen

right that’s what they want yeah

i think i think it’s a good move

i would say

do it i think it

sounds fun flex flex here

my neck what

i doing no you’re how you can flex her

oh you wouldn’t be able to see in this shirt

well you flex your

boobs my pec muscles

oh okay it’s

creepy she just

raises each

one is she getting

you to work out because you guys are hanging out

you’re gonna get a gym pass huh

i can physically train you

whoa she’s a physical train

powerful alpha male

female look

no i wouldn’t

we could just run together no

no not into it no

you don’t care

about shape

shit you’re

happy with your

shape fuck yeah

you’re happy with your

cigarettes and everything

fuck you don’t need to change don’t ever change

don’t change

west palm beach

this weekend you

dirty dirty bitches

um thanks to the

flashlight for

sponsoring the show if you go to

joe rogan dot net

again click the link

type in rogan

it’s all explained for you get fifteen percent off

thank you allison if you guys want

to follow allison on twitter it’s allison rocks r o x

and there’s two l’s and allison

i didn’t know that

thanks so much for having

on the show

thanks for being oh

it’s fun and

red band is re dba

n and you probably know mine is just my name

who the fuck are you i don’t know

i don’t know who i am

i don’t think you know who you are either i

think you’re

fronting all

right we will be back

most likely tomorrow

i always say that sometimes we don’t have a show but

i think we’re

gonna put one together tomorrow

you motherfuckers all

right so this weekend

west palm beach improv

28th 29th and 30th with ari

shafir next weekend

the big fat fucked up show in vegas

friday february 4th

mandalay bay

theater joe diaz

ari shafir and me it’s a big fucking

place but tickets

are selling fast so if you want to get

their shirts

on go online

at joe rogan

net there’s a link for that too all right

love you guys see you soon bye