boom sherlock lock boom bitches
boom sherlock
i like a boom
there’s some
left in the volcano i don’t want to waste it
that was real that was real that’s powerful
that was real shit we got sam tripoli on this
this volcano as well
sam tripoli
sam tripoli
tried to come to the fucking joe rogan
experience podcast
talking some
crazy shit about he’s been
partying too much lately
and he wants to try this one sober yeah
i wanted to like sam i’m working how dare you
how dare you brother we’re old school road dogs man
i know what you’re saying you’re trying to get there
going you trying to be all disciplined positive
i feel you homie
i’m trying ladies and gentlemen we are sponsored by the
flashlight this week and
every week and if you go to joerogane
net you click on the link you will you will save 15
type in the keyword rogan
and you can get a discount sam trip
in your announcer voices get
good you think so yeah you’re really getting it down
working on it
now all you gotta do is start doing that
quick small talk like in the fine print and you’re
gonna be you know what i’ve been thinking
about doing is taking like just for
purely for educational purposes
like a weekend dj strip club gig
just so i could work on my announcer voice
because i feel
like if this ever does blossom into a real
radio show which it totally can because
radio is definitely on the comeback
i mean that’s what i want to hear
after i hear
an uncensored podcast i want to hear a little
short sound bites
where they can’t say anything and they get
you can’t say retard or
can’t even say butthole
right i think there’s
more challenging can’t say retard dude but i
was in austin
we did a video if you watch the
video that we did in the most recent one from austin
texas we had to say
we had to do it over and over and over again
it was fucking terrible
they had a beep
retard they beep retard like 20 times hold on
where did they do that and austin
when you did your podcast they were beeping no no no
no we did the
radio show there that’s crazy
yeah it’s terrible
but that’s what’s happening man
and what’s crazy
about it is before we even got into the
radio station
the person that
drove us around
that worked for the comedy club she was talking
about how that oh you just said the r word
what like is this bad word
we’re like kind of
thinking like yeah exactly what
and then we go into the
radio station and joe was saying it on the radio and
got caught out called out for saying retard on the
radio and it was just like
yeah they were totally serious
i’m doing joke on it’s just
like nobody calls people with special needs retarded
anymore they’re
special needs you
call assholes retarded exactly that dudes
retarded you’re saying some asshole
yeah they have down
syndrome they have an actual
name for the disease like calling someone a retard
it’s like you can’t say
idiot well guess what that’s what retards used to be
when you had down syndrome
they used to call you a
mongoloid idiot
that was the actual medical
definition for what the fuck is
wrong with you that’s so much
worse isn’t that crazy that
your baby’s an idiot
here take your baby home
on the fucking you
can’t say idiot now
well you can say
idiot but saying you can’t say retard
like retard is not some sort of a
scientific thing
it’s not like you’re
100 100 yeah it
doesn’t make any
sense well you can’t say retard i can say retard
you fucks it’s like
every year we go back further and further what we can
i’ve cut faggot out of my vernacular
the only time i say faggot now is when i talk
about the word faggot like right now
right and it feels good
it feels good to go back to my old friend
my old friend
the word faggot
on that too
like let me just say
about the word faggot
i have more respect
personally for the gay community
about that word than i do for the
black community and the word nigger really
and i’ll tell you why
because they call themselves sons
on saying faggot
too so at least there’s not this
weird double
standard but you know
like perez hilton that was
only gotten big trouble
right he got in big
trouble yeah that’s true
i knew i see
what you’re saying you know what i’m saying
other gay people will
get down oh
there’s this
weird okay we can say we’re taking it back the only
time and i was talking
about my podcast is
that the only time i
think it’s okay to say the n word is in bed
like i love getting called
i do i love getting called the n word i
don’t know why you’ve already said nigger all right so
you say the n
word after you do i
do love it this i was
famous mexican
chick in the
back of my car she was calling you a nigger yeah
it was so haha
it was so hot i’m just like yeah they just like
you know i gotta get that
place where i know
the girls cool and then i’ll be like can you call me
that be like what and they call it and they’re like you
asked her you
asked no she
started calling me it she
started calling you
later on with
other chicks i you know once i know
i’m in this cool
place with them
drop some end bombs on me
okay so for the one
chick one chick you just kind of got into it
she just called me it and but it then it became your
thing yeah wow
but that’s how all fetishes
start like something happens accidentally and
you’re like hey i like that you know what i’m saying
that’s how all weird shit
starts that’s a
crazy one though
like you’re banging this
chick and what was the
first reaction
i was like so tell me what
tell me how it went down i’m like what you know it’s
kinda like you’re in the backseat of a car well
first of all
rocking it old
school i appreciate it how long
ago dudes who
still get a
go how long
ago last week
years and years and years ago
years and years and years ago i just love
first of all i love car sex
i just love this
dirty like i’m looking for a car
right now and i’m
literally thinking
can i bang a
chick in the back of this car
like that is one of the
things i think
about when i’m
thinking about purchasing a car can’t bang a
chick in the back seat of a porsche
yeah can’t do it
so that should be their selling
point like that all
so practical yeah
hey we’re cadillac
you can bang in the back of your car yeah you
should do that like have a thing
where they go what do you think back there why not
that’s the commercial yeah
that’s why i like
the windows
tinted windows in the backs always nice dude
you gotta have tinted windows yeah
but then what
about the windshield
bro your windshields not tinted people just get to the
front of your car
watch you fuck with this the sun
visor thing that you pull out with us for
you know what you know my mom this is how
crazy it was when
we used to go on vacations like what road night time
would go on road trips she
would put newspapers all around the windows and would
sleep at a rest stop
and i’m thinking like how crazy
you wouldn’t do that nowadays scary
yeah that’s scary
cause they know there’s people inside yeah
yeah there’s too many crazy
well is it that there’s more
crazy people now or is that we’re
aware of the
crazy people well i
think it’s we’re
aware of the
crazy people
like some people
think everybody’s getting dumber i personally
think that they’re just getting over
saturated with
useless knowledge do you know what i’m saying like
there’s so much more useless knowledge out there
that’s taking
up your brain space
like when you go home to like say your high
school reunion
and your buddy who just got
married and had kids and went
right to the mill
right he’s like remember in high
school we did that you like no i don’t
remember that and he’s like remember this time you like
cause you have all these new
things in your head
you gotta get rid of the old things
right you know
what i’m saying i do know what you’re saying yeah
so it’s like
you know in the
1800s like some
peasant or some isn’t necessarily
smarter than the the
idiots we have
around now he just didn’t have all this like
kim kardashian who’s
gonna get her pregnant all this crazy
shit in her head you know i’m saying that totally makes
sense i mean
you only have so much room in your your hard
drive you know
i don’t know if people are getting dumber i
think collectively
there’s what it is is the people that are
smarter are fucking really
smart yeah they’re really really really
smart but the people that are dumb it’s so
easy to just get by
and be a moron now
it’s so easy
everything is set up for you between cell
phones and easy jobs and it’s like
what do you have to do
all you have to do is just show
up and do what someone tells you and you don’t have to
think at all and then you get off work what do you do
drink or you go and
watch reality tv
which makes you even fucking dumber yeah it’s
awful and it reinforces like
dumb shit like you
start thinking there’s nothing
wrong with you because hey
man that’s how they are on reality tv that’s driving me
crazy cause i
watched the
snooki given interview
and she’s acting like she’s regal now
you sitting here like this with good posture
talking like she you know
would you rather her like pick her
teeth and play with her
pussy yeah because that’s
her that’s why we like her because she’s a you know a
black alcock
zombie we love that shit
you know what i’m saying like we like that that’s
what we want but you don’t act like you’re not that i
would you know if you came in
right you’d be like joe rogan
ufc announcer
comedian that’s what you’ve done
like they should introduce
these people as like what they’ve done like kim
kardashian she got peed on by
a third rate rapper in her
video that’s the intro
p honor yeah
really yeah
i didn’t nobody
talks about that
yeah she got
peed on whoa
we i think it’s cool hold on we need to look i mean
are the odds of we
cannot we cannot keep
spreading disinformation
we have in the past unfortunately oh the bath salts
thing it’s disinformation oh no and this
is what i said this is what i said no
the bath salts not fake no no i
guess okay you talking
about the gun
the guy shooting the
kids it’s fake yeah that’s for sure yeah well
we’ll talk about yours
we’ll talk about that first
well anyway
the bath salts there’s a drug called bath salts okay
and what it is is they’re selling it as bath salts
so that they can sell it in stores
and so that it’s unregulated because what this
stuff is it’s like a type of
you know it’s some sort of a cousin
to crystal meth
and it’s really really dangerous they’re selling it as
legal cocaine in head shops
and they also sell it online
and sell it in some
stores in convenience
stores and they’re selling it as
bath salts and what it is is an intense
like really really bad drug and
super super addictive
not just addictive but a terrible
experience like
not even a good time when you get addicted to it
it’s a bad experience
it’s super it
isn’t it the
original use of it supposed to be like for insects or
plants yeah like
fertilizer or
something like that i don’t know but they’re also
selling it horrible yeah they’re also selling it as
oh plant food
all right so that
video i went home and
watched it because
when you were talking
about yesterday i
never saw it and
what it was is a
video of these two
skateboarder kids and this guy comes out of their
house and they get in
some kind of confrontation the guy goes back into the
house gets a gun
the skateboarder guys run away and they
shoot him nobody
got peed on the kim
kardashian really no
i didn’t think so
cause i look for a rumor
i look rumor
black did you
watch it no well i
watch parts of it but i just
can’t oh it was
cut here’s the deal
apparently the golden shower
scene was cut out
of the vivid
entertainment release of the sex tape
allegedly kim was
always denied that ray peed on her
although she denied the
existence of the tape for a
while too so
it’s in the air i
know the guy who does the sex tapes really yeah
absolutely i’m
gonna say it’s real
yeah he said it’s real we’re
gonna get to the guy who does the sex tapes in one
minute so you
think the good that the kid what we’re talking
about is two kids are
skateboarding in
front of this guy’s
house there’s
some sort of an altercation the guy comes out and
shoots them
shoots them all right so
the date on the tape was recently like
it was just like last week or something like that so
first i went through
put it in google
spent like an
hour hour and a half looking for news articles
looking for anything there was nothing that had
any news right
so then you go to the tape and you
start looking at the tape itself
if you look at the tape there’s a big
flashing record
light on it
which is usually used for if you’re
looking through
a viewfinder of a camera not a home security
system it doesn’t record
a flashing record
light on so immediately no good ones do
none that i’ve ever seen
but but as a
video editor i know
that that’s fake
shit that’s like what you see on tv yeah that’s like
right right they put on it
like you know when you’re in a
movie and a guy gets a cell phone
and he looks at the text on his
phone and you know that’s not the graphics of the phone
right like this
is like some animated bullshit it’s like so big and
stupid looking like
and it takes you out of the
movie right
like they show
cheaters they’ll do that like here’s our undercover
yeah they have crosshairs
on the people
oh you can’t say
crosshairs anymore either yeah
and then if you look at the gun itself at
first i thought it was like a shotgun
cause like how
he shot both of the kids at the
exact same time got hit
like meaning one kid did a barrel roll
and the other kid just kind of
fell laid down it looked like he kind of laid down fell
so all these
things to me are like alright something’s not
right so then i started
doing more looking online looking online
found went to live leak
and there was like
12 pages of people
you know live leak is mostly military
based people
12 pages people saying it’s fake and like
pointing out
every single
one that has like the really bad
videos like assassination yeah
they have like
mostly military
stuff like planes
shooting down people
and like kind of more
like real crazy
stuff you guys are
going deep in
my toes great i love
i told jim norton
about it but i said
daily motion so i have to
daily motion
might have it too that you
ever hear of fortune
have you ever heard
of course of course oh dude love fortune
fortune is the
best i love
of the internet no they are not they are
great you are
stupid sam tripoli
you love it
well what they do is they go
after they go
after shitheads like
a not they go after
scientology they go
after the people that were
prosecuting julian assange
for the the wikileaks thing
you know they go
after hypocrites yeah but do you really hear
more they have a certain amount of
morals mean yeah there’s some psychos on there
the wicked link stuff
right i mean
what was leaked that was so bad about us
that we’re like oh i can’t believe this get out
you know makes me
think we leaked
it out it’s like oh my god look at all this
stuff because it’s
i was watching
msnbc the other day
which is the progressive side of the argument
so they’ll call out the government on anything
and they’re like it didn’t really make us look that bad
they really take a look
at it sort of but
see it confirmed a lot of
things that people had already suspected like
first of all that
the united nations like
hillary clinton did one
thing where she was trying to collect
biometric data
on the united nations and this is like a real email
that’s spying
that’s illegal that’s
against international law
you’re not allowed to spy on the fucking members of un
right but there’s some shit like that but
the video of the
gunship of the
the helicopter
shooting down those
those reporters
in iraq that was the big one
that was pretty
bad that was really bad yeah that is that was
crazy because then there’s there’s kids in the
scene too and one of the guys says he
should they shouldn’t brought their kids
shouldn’t brought
their kids like that’s your reaction to just
shooting 50 millimeter
rounds into
a car full of kids you shouldn’t have brought your kids
and it shows you
what kind of attitude gets developed when you’re in war
war is the most unhealthy fucking
thing possible man
there’s no way to do it and to come out of it healthy
you know there’s no way to just well just
put that in the past now and move on with my life no
you’ve been gunning people down for five fucking years
that shit’s
gonna haunt your memory eventually it’s
gonna it’s terrible for your fucking
your mind and your
thinking and
people develop
justifications and they get used to certain
things people can get
used to anything and they get used to killing people
and that’s one of the
things you see in that
video this callous
disregard for life yeah
that sucks it’s hard
and you know what those guys
they probably not even bad guys
they’re just fucking
guys who got into the military and then as time went on
that’s the attitude they did
and they say a lot of shit like that to each other
to sort of reaffirm
you know i should have brought their kids
fucking right
you know they’ll say shit like that right
right yeah we’re
crazy we’re the craziest you know like it’s almost like
they’re saying
these things and you
know like let me get them let it go
got them down
it’s almost like to reinforce each
other because
they all know they’re doing something insane
did you ever hear the theory
the story that in
world war ii they did
the government did
a study and
they found that like most
soldiers couldn’t
shoot and kill somebody
it just wasn’t in them
so that’s the whole
thing that’s when you
start seeing in
movies like are
more gun play more guns
shooting people to
kinda get people used to the idea of actually
shooting somebody wow
yeah i did some
cause back then it was just so rare
yeah i did some uso
tours and one
the guy who took me on was telling me that
story that like
in world war one they
found that the
majority of soldiers
could not pull the
trigger to kill
somebody wow so we really have become desensitized by
movies and tv shows 100
dude i i was driving back from
vegas one time i saw the most horrific
crash i’ve ever seen in my life
and i pulled over to see if everybody’s okay
there’s dead bodies
all over the place
not even affected
you know because i’ve seen so much that on
television so i mean
this car had fallen on top of this
woman’s head
whoa and i was this
and the girls
like is grandma can i’m like do not tell her anything
then he wanted
it was like really
really weird but it wasn’t
the weirdest part was my i didn’t have
any reaction to seeing the dead people i wasn’t like
oh my god and i that really
stuck with me why
how crazy i don’t know man i would
still feel that
i didn’t i didn’t i didn’t i wasn’t like
wow this guy
would still feel that too
i don’t know man it wasn’t
well i’m not saying i didn’t feel
something for them
someone’s fucking crazy no
but i didn’t say i’m
not saying i didn’t feel for them but it wasn’t like
this incredible like
insane moment did
you get a hard on also yes alright
here we go did
you imagine
if you know your grandma got
trapped underneath a car and someone’s back there
is she okay
yeah i think she’s
gonna be alright just stay back and
go around the
corner and the guy’s beating off on your grandma’s
dead head oh come on dude imagine that’s
crazy look there’s somebody out there that
would do it
if you can just
think that up
like i just did
for sure someone
would do it
could you imagine
grandma dies in a car accident the
first guy that pulls over is beating off on her head
well is that the
whole sam kensson
story they did
a grandma car accident flashlight
that like back in
the day they were parting a newest guy who had a mort
who like was
ran a morgue or something like that and
one thing was that
yeah the homosexual necrophilia
pick i thought you were talking
about his car accident
story no that yeah the guys
would pay him to come
crazy that you know he died a
drunk driver hit him
how crazy that
that is crazy
to do all this material
about drinking and driving used to do all this
thing we’re
gonna drink
and we’re gonna
drive we’re
gonna pull it off you know why
cause we do it
every fucking night
yeah he had that
whole bit about it and
it wasn’t even
funny it was like cheerleading for losers
that was like the dark years of kennison’s comedy
like kennison when he
first came out
was the best
i’d say the kinesin of 1986
who’s better than that
ever who’s ever been better than that you
could love bill hicks all you want
and i do but bill hicks was
never that funny
just no no one was ever that
funny that fucking
homosexual necrophiliac bit
all the shit about
jesus and the
cross and you know why
cause i was married
for two fucking years all that was the best shit ever
but then he got famous
and when he got
famous and he was doing blow every
night and that’s what’s
gonna kill ya banging tens remember he had
those it’s that malika
chick that was always with him
that was his
girlfriend and she was a fucking ten
i’m like man this guy’s a troll
and he’s got a 10
fame is sexy
yeah and so he got big he got
famous and he was
partying all the time and i read his book
his brother’s book called
brother sam
interesting book and that’s what you know he
said in the book that sam just stopped writing just was
partying all the time
so then he was just coming up with
stuff cheerleading for
those douches that
would come to
sam you know yeah that’s i was one of them
yeah i mean i
still loved them though man but yeah dude that’s
crazy man they just
and now how do you get into that how do you know that
that’s what you’re into
the guy who goes in the morning and beats off on the
yeah how did how do you get there that’s my
whole question how do you more guys have been
busted fucking
bodies many times especially
fresh ones that’s happened many many many many times
cause i think you know
if you’re some guy and you’re sexually attracted to
women and this is a
woman that you could
never possibly
get a hold of and no one can stop you from
touching her
there’s no one around man you’re in a
quiet room with no windows
and you know she’s on a pan
and if you want to you can just
start fingering her
and some guys not only finger they fuck em
you know i mean
that’s happened
so many times
look man you get desensitized
you’re desensitized to
those dead bodies
they’re really
desensitized to dead
bodies yeah when you see dead bodies
every fucking day of your life
you know i mean that’s gotta be
weird as fuck that has to be
weird i’ve only seen a couple dead
bodies ever man it’s always a very strange
thing it’s strange but i wasn’t like
freaked out that was the whole
well maybe you were just trying to be strong
what’s weird is
when you see the
bodies like stacked
like i went to a
when my grandfather died
they were getting
chairs out of this room and i
think it was a
crowded day for the funeral home
and i’m just kind of walking around like
thinking about things
and the door opens and there’s my grandfather
and like five
other dead people
just sitting there in this room with all
these chairs
and i was just like
ugh just the
creepiest look
and feel and just
where was he was he
lying down he was laying down
just like and there was a
bunch of other people there just like
like slabs right next to each
other like they’re just you know
we’re in a storage
room you know
with all these
chairs and extra stuff
like why are they just
hanging out in a storage room if you
think about it it’s amazing that we can go as
like we’ve been so insulated
by our complex society that we can go like our
whole lives and
never see a dead body
like a lot of people will go
their whole lives and
never see a dead body
back in caveman days man you saw some fucking
bodies man everybody saw
bodies in the
roman days yeah 100
cause you knew yeah
dude i always say that’s why like
it was so much easier to get
married back in the day
cause you knew you were gonna die
quicker you know i’m saying
death do us part was so much easier
cause it was more violence out there
yeah as like the life
expectancy gets longer and longer people are
gonna take that shit more and more for granted
you know back then like you
gotta get your livin in in 30 fucking years yeah
how old do you know
i’m 38 you’d be dead dude
dead for sure
eaten by my wife me
i’d be long dead
and if i was
alive i would look like an old man poor
nutrition and no fucking weightlifting
i would look like shit i
would have gray hair
you know i’d probably be taking
no vitamins i just be eating porridge or whatever be
village elder
yeah whatever whatever food that we killed that day
you know porridge
yeah man i was i’ve been
watching the show the wild within
it’s fucking good show man some new show on the
travel channel with this dude goes and he he hunts
all over the
world and he hunts like a like a
louis and clark
he went on this
one little expedition
where he took the same
route that louis and
clark took with a
bunch of his boys and they were
shooting things with muskets
they didn’t
shoot anything they couldn’t shoot
a fucking this guy’s an experienced hunter and they
never got close enough
they caught
like a couple of fish and they barely survived
one of the things that they got was somebody had shot
a deer and left the deer all they took was like
some of the meat from the back of the deer
which is like really common like guys take the
what’s called the back
strap it’s like the
loin the strip loin
that goes against
feels like the meat
against your spine
and that’s the only food that they found
if it wasn’t for that
some hunter leaving a body behind
they scavenged it and they’re all talking shit
about this hunter but meanwhile
somebody would have
eaten it too if it wasn’t
them it would have been a coyote
it’s not like it’s
gonna go to
waste it’s in the fucking jungle
you know what do you
think the crew the film crew is
going through
like are they eating big macs why they’re like
starving you
know it’s pretty
crazy because last
night i watched one episode
where he hunted a pig with a knife
they they’re in hawaii
and the way they hunt pigs in hawaii
is you use pit bulls
and use two different types
of dogs one type of dog goes and finds the the pig
and there they they’re the bang dogs the
tracking dogs they have the best
sense of smell
and they can find hogs like
miles away they can find old
tracks and track them down
so these dogs are barking
roar roar roar
they let them know and then the pit bulls come in
the pit bulls come running and they’re
armored pit bulls
they have collars
around their neck that protect
their necks and they have kevlar vests on
so that the pigs can’t bite through
their body and
cause pigs are
nasty motherfuckers
and they have
giant tusks
pigs are a weird animal man
when a pig is in a pigsty
and you’re at
a farm and they’re all pink and cute and shit
pigs are the only animal that we know of that
morphs once it becomes feral
so when you put pigs as quickly as
three weeks
when pigs exist in the wild in
three weeks
their fur changes
their tusks grow longer like they
literally become a different animal it’s a fucking
tricky thing
that’s why like wild pigs have
black hair they have
black crazy hair
but like domestic pigs on most of them have like
white hair well there’s
something happens to them when you let them free
there’s something
about pigs going wild that actually
forces like a
biological change survival
mode like a delicious butterfly
yeah so anyway this guy is out there and
the dogs are holding the pig down
and there’s
two different pigs so they have to stab both of them
and so one of them had to do without
the pit bulls they had to do with the bang dogs and
this pig is fucking
these dogs up man
it keeps biting and biting the shit out of
these dogs putting holes in
these dogs really yeah
and the guy runs over and just stabs the pig in the
heart and it’s all in a river
so it’s like the
whole scene is like really fucking primal man
like he dives in the
water and they’re
fighting and the pigs trying to bite him and he has to
jump out of the way
and then the dogs get in
place and then when the dogs are in
place the pig
bites the dog and the guy just runs over and
slams the fucking
blade right between the ribs
right into the
heart it’s dark dude
and you got to
think like that’s some real hunting man you’re
hunting a pig with a knife
and that’s how they do it the dogs hold them down
apparently that’s the
easiest way to do it i don’t know why that makes any
sense at all
why you wouldn’t just fuck it
i guess the only way to find them is with the dogs and
once you find them the dogs are biting them you can’t
shoot them because the dogs are there
so it gets tricky
so then you have to go and stab them
because apparently pigs are pretty fucking smart
and pigs they see people coming and they just
get ghosts it’s like you know it’s not as easy to
track them down as it is to
track a deer
apparently they’re intelligent they’re more intelligent
than dogs what
would comedians do without like
discovery channel
or any i mean
like how much material comes from the discovery and the
travel channel all that stuff
there’s some
crazy shit out that’s
where all the
freakouts come from man if it wasn’t for that shit
i probably have a much saner life
you know wasn’t
from totally
in my world what is
where’s my worries
where’s the why was the
supervolcano
is not really in my world
but it is in my
world because
i’m on fucking
you know on tv at two o’clock in the morning
watching some
crazy science channel
special but we’re all
gonna die hey did you see the uh
on the huffington
post a green blob
in the middle
of deep how
crazy is that so what is it what do they
think it is
i don’t know they are saying it creates stars yeah
that’s some
crazy a star
creator stellar nursery
yeah but the
colors are not are
the colors correct are the
colors correct no
no it said something
about yeah they embellish the
colors like it’s not really a
telescope yeah
but man i mean it’s
640 million
light years away one
light years a trillion years
jesus christ trillion
miles excuse me how
crazy is that that
would be cool if we
found a star factory where
we figured out
how to make planets and stars and be like
start selling planets
no way dude
we already do that you can buy a star
and you and 900 people own that
same star well yeah that’s not
that is the dumbest shit
ever yeah i bought you a star honey
yeah shut the fuck up you don’t own that star you
can’t buy that star
yeah like you can name a star what if
that becomes real though and we all become space
travelers and
you end up like no you own that star now
you can live on it well
you can if you become a mormon
brother you can have your own
planet and your own people and you make your own rules
that’s right
there’s supposed to be some new discovery that was
found today
by the hubble telescope i can’t seem to find it here
i’ll find it eventually
but just space itself man it’s too big
it’s just how
often you even
think about it
do you ever try to
think about
eternity and your
brain just like nope tap out
it doesn’t really go on
forever that’s the way it does but it’s really tricky
so what happens is it goes to a certain
point and then you come back it’s like a geometric
design it’s like
like it’s a shape
like the universe
apparently is a
shape it’s a curved
wall there’s that’s the that’s
where it gets crazy
this doesn’t make any
sense but what they
think is that
we think of the universe as
everything but
apparently it’s not
just as our
solar system isn’t
everything just as our galaxy isn’t everything
first it was a
solar system
first we thought
that our solar
system was this is it this is all there is out
there and then we realized oh no no no we’re part of a
galaxy and the galaxy is all that is out there oh no no
no the galaxy is a part of many
galaxies which is part of the universe
well now they
think that inside
every galaxy is a
supermassive
black hole that contains another universe
and inside that universe is
could be exactly like our universe or it
could have some
completely different
structure i can’t even
understand that see can’t
understand it it’s like when you look up
we’re like little
ants trying
to i mean not even you know trying to
break it down yeah we’re
mites on an ant’s ass trying to figure out
fucking how google works we were talking
last night the comedy
club about whether
you think people boned
up on like the space
station of course
they did of
course they
must have because they
put laws saying that they can’t do it yeah that’s so
funny but that’s
why they want the russians there so they
can bang some russian
chicks up there
but it’s like that one
astronaut who
drove across
state in their diaper i mean that’s how
crazy that chick is so you know they’re into some
freaky stuff
which i like i like
smart freaky chicks
there’s something very
attractive about getting a very
smart girl and having her saying degrading shit it
just it’s very fun for the beginning the problem with
smart chicks is i find that most of
smart chicks that really like me are fucking crazy
and did you just play some music
it sounded like it though did
it i think it did i
think the drum beat
started going off anyway
you know the really
smart ones that are kind of
snarky and a lot of them are crazy
you know and a lot of them like being a
smart chick is fucking hard as shit
cause a lot of dudes don’t care if you’re
smart they just wanna
stick your dick
their dick inside you
they want a
flashlight you know
and then they want
love and relationship but most importantly you gotta
you gotta feed
this fucking addiction that you have in your dick
you have to get rid of some loads
so it’s hard being a
smart chick i
think i love it and when they deal with douchebag
after douchebag they just assume that you’re
gonna be a douchebag too and so
it’s hard being a girl bro it can’t be easy
camping you
gotta take care of babies
and you got to assume that the dudes
gonna help you out like you
you’re gonna
completely change your
whole world you’re
gonna grow a
human inside of you
and then you’re not
gonna be able to work
cause you’re
gonna be able to have to take care of this
human or you
bring it to daycare and your kid gets sick
every fucking day of its life i have a
buddy who has his kid in daycare and he’s like so sad
about it he
just can’t afford to not have his kid in daycare
he can’t afford to have his wife not work
and you know
actually they just
broke up because of all this now
they’re divorced but
he’s like my kids always sick he’s
like it’s horrible they’re always confident sneezing
crushes my heart
oh because it’s like there’s so many
charms over there
he’s like a producer
but he can’t he’s not like a high
level producer
so he can’t get shit
going man it’s fucking
you know when in hollywood man
when the recession hits or it hits for everybody yeah
so he’s not making good
money and she’s fucked he’s
like picks up jobs here and there and they’re sporadic
and in between he’s got a little live off unemployment
ah that’s horrible
yeah it’s a grind dude
so you know
my point is for a
chick man it’s
a way more difficult situation just simply by the
virtue of the fact that you have
a growing human being inside of you you can make a baby
and then you have to take care of this baby the baby is
completely vulnerable for many many many years
whereas a man can just
shoot loads and
women all over town and have a fucking gang of
these chicks
watching after his kids
you know you can just
like who’s done that john
what’s that guy’s name the football player
the baseball player that has a fucking eighty kill
sean camp sean camp there you go
how many kids
does that guy have i i was reading this book i
think he has
eight kids god
damn there was one football
player that had 10 kids
all over the
place too right and he couldn’t stop smoking weed
so he basically got
kicked out of the nfl
now you’re screwed
whoa he got kicked out of the nfl because of we yeah
he had three violations who’s that
not ricky williams no he used to run for buffalo
then he got traded to denver i don’t know
man how crazy they trying to keep
football players from smoking weed
yeah one time charles hopefully said that like
80 of the nba smoked weed yeah
they can’t have that’s part of
their contract negotiations
that they don’t test for weed
see because weed
for basketball and for pool
for anything involving balls this is all i know
for anything
involving feel and i don’t mean balls like your nuts
i mean anything involving
orbs where you’re judging distances and it’s like
these are like
subtle feely
things you know
weed makes you more sensitive
so if you’re more sensitive you’re
gonna play basketball better you’re
gonna play pool better you know you’re
gonna fuck better and i
think it also takes you out of you
so you don’t overthink the moment like
sometimes if you watch
basketball a guy
would be so wide open and he’ll totally clink it
cause he’s too open you know
like this should oh god i’m so open i hope i hit this
right yeah yeah you let that other
thing talk to you don’t fuck this up the little hat
that guy doesn’t get to talk to you when you’re high
you know when you’re in the groove in the zone
you know he’s not
on the vip list he can’t get into the club that night
going on stage
stone is the best i can’t do it
you can do it i can’t you have done it why are you
lying i can’t
i know it’s
weird that most
comics say that they can’t do
like you’re
one of the very few people that i
think can do
it but like i know for a fact i can’t do it
well you can get
two stoned you can
definitely get two
stoned especially
if you eat something like i fucked up at citywalk
and i guy ate
gave me this fucking cookie i was an
idiot i was
like eh he’s a nice guy i’ll just take his cookie i
would’ve given you special gloves
and a fucking aluminum
briefcase if i had that cookie inside if i knew how
strong that cookie was i’d have that
thing attached to
electrodes and if it moves as
your arm goes off
it was ridiculously
strong because they make them with hash
they don’t make them with weed
so these guys just go
the professional
stoners those assholes
they want to get
blitzkrieg they don’t want to
think about things
they just want to get
so high that it’s like an amusement park ride that’s
like you just feel like you’re in like
that’s how i felt when
i when i did
ralphi may gave me a pop
brownie and i just yeah
naked watching ph one celebrity rehab
because i couldn’t get porn so that’s the
close i get to it
what have you been
watching the
what the world are
you i didn’t have an it at this time i didn’t have yeah
access i didn’t have my computer
with i hadn’t gotten a mac at that time it was so fun
no this was like a
three years
ago i didn’t have that you didn’t have a cell phone
yeah i didn’t have a cell
phone that made
videos i guess i had a
three years ago
calculator two
three one eight zero zero eight
what is that boobies
turn it upside shut the fuck up
you do not just do that
you fucking
child yeah you
could draw a porn before i
would watch
celebrity react you can find i watch
i don’t like sex celebrity rehab i like drug celebrity
is there a sex celebrity
yeah there was who was on that one
they had a couple porn stars girls yeah
is there any guys on that
yeah there was a phil veroni was on that who’s that
he was a guy who was like
this is so funny
he’s the drummer of
i forgot what the band is
he was a drummer in some 80s band
and he got on there and it’s like
he said he’s addicted to sex yeah poor guy
but then the girls are talking and then
you can get addicted to anything
oh i know i know dudes who who are so hung up on sex
that it’s like they’re not even
horny and they’re trying to like keep racking up
scores yeah
it’s like it
consumes you i know guys whose careers have been
derailed because they’re such
pussy hounds yeah that’s true
but it becomes a massive
distraction too like if you have a lot of pressure
you know you can distract yourself with
things like gambling addictions and
stuff like that
where it’s really
what you’re trying to do is you’re trying to avoid
the pressure of your career you’re trying to
avoid the hard work and all the
things that you really need to get done and you know
i find myself like i have
that’s why that war of art
book is so fucking good have you read it yeah i have
it’s a great book
cause it deals with that
deals with the distractions and
it calls it resistance
and that’s really what it is man
when life gives you a lot of pressure
people go towards something to distract them from that
pressure yeah
cause they don’t
wanna deal with it they don’t
wanna think
about it so they get obsessed with something it
could be pussy it
could be gambling
it could be gambling and pussy
it could be a drug thing i
think some people are also afraid to make it to in some
weird way they don’t want to they like they
kinda just enjoyed
the not having the pressure
of having to
produce so they kind of sabotage themselves in a
weird way yeah
success is very very difficult i
think a lot of people sabotage themselves and afraid of
success and
those are by the way the same people
that are always talking shit
about other people that are
successful yeah they’re always like
going after them and
pointing fingers at them and like
you know i mean if you look at like anytime you
watch like you go to like
tmz or anytime some celebrity
story and go look in the comments
all the venom
in the fucking
comments hate
those comments oh
youtube’s the
worst i can’t
stand that shit it’s but i guarantee you that
every single person that it’s fixating on
charlie sheen and you know whoever the fuck it is
tiger woods
all the venom and venom
those people are not paying this much
focus on their own life they’re just not
if you’re on youtube and you’re getting into a fucking
three page flame war
with some other asshole that’s like
src seven seven one tom
that’s his name and you’re
going back and forth and you’re trying to win and
that’s just a distraction you’re not thinking
about your life
for sure there’s some shit
that you need to get done there’s some
papers you need
to fill out there’s some bills you need to send in
you’re not doing
everything you need to do you’re that’s
an addiction
just like anything else just like porn just like well
they can do
whatever they want because there’s no repercussions
like there’s nobody who’s
gonna kick in
their door in
their mom’s basement
punch them in the face for saying mean shit so
i can say whatever they
want what’s ever happened
even when you sent an
email or a letter rather it had a return address
right 100 i remember one time
it was kathy griffin just
started hosting the
the new year’s eve
thing on cnn and she was
getting heckled and she said why don’t come to your job
and kick the
dicks out of your
mouth bum bum
right which is you know a
thousand years old yeah
jesus used that when he had a bad set
you know i’m saying
i used that the last time i used that i
shook my own head and i was like what the fuck yeah
sometimes you do that but anyway sometimes you
gotta do it i went
on youtube i just want to see what the comments were
and they’re like she’s so fast she’s so
crazy it’s so fun i go
guys i mean she’s good but that’s
the oldest line
and they just
started coming at me
right and this one guy just started
really trying to get me and i’m like who is this guy
and he’s like
and everyone’s like yeah to him keep going
i’m like really
so i go to his page
all of his videos
and this is guy
all of his videos are like high
school boys dancing around with no
shirts on right and i go
whole and i go back i go okay everybody if you really
cheering for him go take a look at all his
videos i say boom
didn’t hear from him
again cause it was like he actually got
hit when he normally
could just say whatever he wants
but there’s no repercussions
right you found his page
which is actually him
yeah whoa wow
yeah people that
when people are used to being able to
say something
but getting a response to someone this is the
first time ever
you’ve been able to just anonymously attack people
and then people
start websites
about people and go
after people people that don’t even know they have no
no you know no no real relationship with them
but they fixate on
them yeah you
gotta let it go man it’s
crazy i get
and here’s the
funny the funniest comment is oh
that’s so gay
like you could do a
video of you making out with the hottest chicken in the
world and there’ll be some guy gayest
video ever it’s
like it’s not gay it’s like i’m making out with some
chick what are you talking about
i get murdered all the time on my facebook page
the worst is when someone puts a
video up of you that you can’t control
and so the comments there and you can’t really like
i don’t mind if you say i don’t like
it do you fixate do you fixate on comments and the
video stop reading that shit man i do like the reason
a while and if they have a good
point be like you know that’s a good
point you can
keep that up there if they’re just saying some
stupid ass shit i’ll
be like yeah i’ll either hit him or delete the comment
so you actually had get in arguments with
these people on your like youtube page and shit
you know what
yeah you do
no but i’ve seen
you have you seen him
i’ve seen is on facebook or
maybe it was youtube or something like that i see you
go away facebook one
where i got in a
fight with a
chick because
she called i did a
video called i love
black people
right and i
it’s basically was a base off when we were in canada
and we were
didn’t see any
black people i’m like you know i miss
black people so i decided do a
video called i love
black people
and i’m like and i
would tell them i love
black people
and we’d hug and i’d list all the reasons i love them
and this girl’s like you’re so
racist i’m like
the video is called i love
black people i’m hugging
black people
going around
on the streets
fighting black people and hugging them
that’s how is that racist
yeah and we just made this
video after we did that canada
yeah yeah yeah we went to
weird parts of canada too
right we were like in
grand prairie
and loved it saskatoon
we were like way up there
dude canadian girls are the
white versions of mexican girls
yeah that they’re
what do you mean
they’re great they
call you nigger
yeah yeah yeah
yeah i’d love
but they’re
great in bed they
they have this amazing ability to be both a
freak in bed and like a good
girlfriend do you know what i’m saying
right like the
white girls
in america they can’t it’s either one or the
other what do you
think that is you
think that just were repressed here
and they’re not
cause they have a much more european
sexual attitude in canada
especially montreal i
think they can have that though
yeah i think it is a little repression
cause if you talk to anybody you’re like
you know where’s the
greatest groupies are this they always say like utah
cause those girls have like one shot at greatness
do you know what i’m saying oh really so like
like band say that like the greatest
groupies are in utah
yeah i like that who told you that
i was i talked to a couple porn stars i said
we’re the craziest people they’re like mormons utah
really gene simmons said
when he ranked like we’re the best
groupies they said utah wow yeah
i remember when i did some with
vince vaughn i went on a tour and we were on this bus
and it’s the closest i’ll ever get to be in a beetle
right i just like driving this huge bus and people
going crazy
and we were driving around and
we just stopped somewhere
and this girl’s walking
with her boyfriend she just jumps on the bus and
leaves with us
he jumps in his car follows us
and i’m like if i
followed you
yeah what would you do though
i would get rid of that bitch yeah
i’ve seen that before
i’ve seen i’ve been at shows
where there’s a guy with a girl and the girl is just
like got our hands on my
chest and asking me
where we’re
going after the show
oh yeah and you
wanna just go to the dude dude dude you
gotta get out
of this relationship man this shit will rot your years
cause if you’re a fucking dude and
especially if she’s hot
oh yeah fucking
trapped i’ve met a lot of dudes
that were like they really shouldn’t be banging that
chick and all
sudden they are and
you know you’re
stuck in some
place like some
small town somewhere you know you’re in
louisville kentucky or something with this crazy
bitch and there’s not a lot of
you know selection
everybody wants to fuck us you don’t want to let her go
yeah well that’s the trap
cause you can go into
somewhere yeah
you can go into
somewhere killing this gorgeous girls coming on you
she’s not gonna tell you that her
crazy ass boyfriend’s
over there that’s what happened to mike young
when we had a
yeah mike young
know you can’t really
rely on his stories
they no i was there
weather i was
hitting on a girl and a guy beat him up
no no no this will happen
we were just walking around he picks up this chick
asked her to come to our show she comes to the show
we’re hanging out the club i’m not this is true story
hang out the club i go down on a
dance floor
this dude just walks in the club
just doesn’t even say just walks up and just fucking
starts throwing bombs on mike young
and also i hear
screaming i look up mike
young saints up he’s like tripley
watches face just
bleeding i’m like dude
watch it so i run up
but i run this way the guy runs this way
so i run this way see what’s up
he’s gone i couldn’t even find him
and then so the guy just ran out
punched him a couple times and then ran
out yeah just drop haymakers on him and mike had never
spoken to this guy before
no i saw the
whole thing from the so have the guy know who mike was
because he knew who the girl was
so mike was sitting
next to the girl so she just he just walked up and
started blasting yeah that was his
girlfriend that’s mike
young’s karma bro
well dude dude that guy gets lethal
dude that guy and that’s the craziest
thing i was dancing with some chick
you gotta get mike young
on here by the way just because we talked
about him so much and was like who the fuck’s mike
young check i was hooking up with mike
young how dare you he’s friends with leonardo dicaprio
i know you don’t
on charge you ever hear that one i’m
watching all of a sudden it’s like blah blah blah mike
young i’m like they did not just say mike young that’s
hilarious that’s hilarious because some of his buddies
right on that so
um so what you’re just
in the middle of something
the mike young rant
yeah yeah that’s what happened to
him almost happened to rick ingram too i
heard that too like
he’s in alaska and he went to some bar with some chick
and they walk
in the bar the girl’s boyfriend’s there her boyfriend’s
friend just surround him he’s like i didn’t know
boom i’m gone
and that’s the biggest thing
dudes who get mad at
other dudes because their
girlfriends a whore
like jesus christ that is the dumbest shit ever
like listen man if
your girl was a good girl if she was down with you she
would not be here with mike
young you fuck
give up yeah i don’t want
anything to do it there’s not gonna be a
problem you just got an emotional
issue that you need to fucking sort out you’re not
good enough to get a good girl you fuck
he’s crazy so anyways
i’m like mike this chick
knows that dude there’s no
reason a guy
would come up to you and just
start blasting you and she’s
like i didn’t know him and then we just kept prodding
here’s how crazy mike young is
just got his butt kicked for hanging out with a hot
chick i’m sitting in the
er of the hospital
in walks the hottest blonde i’ve ever seen in my life
she’s like where’s mike
young i’m like you
gotta be kidding me dude this
guy girl meet him at the
er she was so hot
why would he have a girl meet him at the er
cause she’s hot and i
might get scumbag i’m like i wonder if i
could bang this chick
at the hospital
steal her from mike
young yeah i mean i just wanted to hit it like i wanna
cross it off my list oh that’s
funny would mike
young be pissed
i think he had bigger problems at that moment
his faces they’re
putting it together like mr potato head at that point
came back better looking
that’s just that guy mike
young likes girls
he does i want to do this whole show
where i take like mike young
brian callan
steve byrne
and sergio love and then mike
black and we go on a tour
and it’s who can tap the most ass but
once you get an std you’re off the show
brian callan
is married and he
doesn’t do that anymore
no i know that
this was years ago that
store off that
show okay i’m taking them off let me put it on
that’s not fair because he’s
gonna he would beat all of them
no he wouldn’t yeah that’s the whole
thing at the end it’s mike
black because because
you did late he
would just fuck anything
he’ll just take the
other ones hey dude
it’s the right
place look cheetahs only get to eat what they can kill
catch when the
leopards and hyenas
aren’t around
right that’s just how it goes
you know if a cheetah
takes something down the hyenas
go i’ll take that bitch
and they come in the cheetahs have to run away that’s
just i have no problems with that part of the game
i have no problems with that does mike
black’s parents have
photos of themselves on his
that’d be hilarious that
would be you go to like their
house what does that mean
well mike black is a
comic that’s
known for always having a
photo of himself on his shirt
every time you see him for years he wears the
exact same shirt of
picture of himself on okay
so you’re saying
to do his parents have the same
right he’s so devoted
how the fuck
would they know what you’re talking about
yeah why just explain it
you had to you get
stuck mike young books a
bunch of commercials ari’s on fire
right now at commercials
ari’s always doing commercials he’s become more
successful for commercials than anything else
he is such a good actor
he booked a
subway commercial
doesn’t look like in any way he’d ever do
work at subway
unless he was like
their accountant
you know what
i’m saying like he does not look like he’s
making like
sandwiches or some shit like that he doesn’t do
you does he look like a fast food employee to you yeah
really he pulled off yeah
he’s got he’s got
the homeless look he’s got that he’s got one of those
i could be anywhere looks
i’ve never seen
a fast food employee
because we live
in los angeles and they’re all mexican
yeah that’s the
weirdest thing i just want to
i’ve been killing indian casinos brother
really i’m the
champ of the indian casinos do you
do a lot of
indian casinos i love them too they’re like the new cat
skills you know i’m saying you’re
just rockin
india i just did my
first two hour set
you did two
hours yeah where
in oklahoma man i did this
place called the fire lake
best time the people there are so cool really
and i’m like oh dude it’s the funniest
thing i love
going in the
places and i i just
start interviewing people
cause i just
like to get to know like it’s almost like quantum leap
where you like jump into somewhere
and you’re like okay what are the rules of this place
what’s going on
how am i gonna
solve this problem
so i just start interviewing people
and i’m like
so you guys got any mexicans here he’s like yeah down
south you know a little farther down
south and this is true i go
how about jews you got any jews he’s like oh
we don’t do that here i’m like what oh
he goes oh we don’t do that here
wow and he starts telling me how like
he’s had a clan
knock on his door
and give him
applications to join he’s like i won’t do it oh shit
then i’m asking
if you ever hook up with the mexican
he’s like oh no no no i’m like how
about black chick
no my family
would hate me i’m like
really it’s 2011
wow you’re not banging fucking
minorities i love that shit
that’s blake griffin
style you know what i’m saying
that’s pretty
crazy that they do that but
nicest crowd two
hours just crushing
wow well here’s another joke i
haven’t done a while
bam bam bam
so yeah did you
think now because of the internet well i
would obviously
these people
aren’t the coolest if they’re talking all this
crazy racist
shit but do you
think that there’s
no he was a nice guy though i mean like i know some guy
i know that
sounds nuts
well he was
just he’s stuck in this
place i think it’s yeah hmm
that’s an interesting argument but i
think if you’re
connected to the internet and this is what
gonna be my point
at a certain
point in time you realize like you know
you can find the
right information and the
right people to hang
out with and people can get access to information in
places where they
never could before
like if you were
stuck in some
small town in oklahoma back in the day
your environment that’s like
that’s how you grew
up you know i mean you had to get the fuck out of there
and go to college in new york or something to really
break out of it right
that’s what
a lot of people did
but now you don’t
because of the internet you’re
always getting access to all kinds of shit online like
look my message
board twitter all kinds of shit
there’s always
new information
new intelligent
discussions
maybe discussions you can’t have in your town
you can have them on
a message board
somewhere but you’re
aggressive you go for it you go you
search this
stuff i find
that people most people don’t want to do that
and i think most
of the damage gets everyone hates fox news and all that
stuff i really
think like most
of the damage in terms of misinformation
is done on the
local news level have you ever
watched local news
it’s brutal
crazy brutal the
stuff that they’re
saying you’re like that is so far from the truth
but nobody has anything
they don’t know that i
watched this one on marijuana this
local news show they were talking
about marijuana this is new
strain of marijuana like it’s so
strong it’s actually causing people to go insane
and they were like real serious and reading
their notes and i was like what
you can’t just say that misinformation
on the local
level that’s that was the other
thing it said and possibly
could be deadly
possibly like in
the realm of like
the only way we can be deadly is if somebody
ties together some like 50
pound bundles and
throws them out of one of those
fucking drug
planes and they land on your head yeah
that’s the only way weed is deadline
unless it’s some kind of weed
what’s deadly
about it is that
that there’s stuff
added to it
like where people put cocaine on weed
a lot of people do that well you can do
we could be so
strong you think you
might die i’ve been there like oh dude this is it it’s
the big ending
i got chris mcguire high once and he swore that
he was laced
he didn’t know he’d
never had some of that real strong
california medical weed
especially like
a real strong sativa
most guys like
what people don’t know is you
know most of
the weed you get all across the country if you’re not
in a medical program you’re usually getting
indica because it’s easier and
cheaper to grow
but the sativa is a totally different kind of high
when you give it to someone like mcguire is not just
chris regards a very funny
comic but he’s just he
doesn’t get
stoned a lot
and we got him bake
one night in the back area of the comedy
store and we were bullets
greek so it’s me and him and joe diaz
so he’s trying to keep up with me and joe diaz
oh my god i
can’t keep up with joe diaz
you know and
that he was convinced
he was convinced he was convinced he was on some drugs
no there’s something in this
something in this i’m like yeah it’s called good weed
son yeah that
sounds like
a girl yeah
it sounds like a girl who like
gets drunk does some
stuff in the next day it’s like oh i
wouldn’t have done it someone
had to slip me something no you just got a little
crazy you know what i
think it is a lot of people use
their bowls like
especially when you’re out in a
place like you want to hit this and you’re
like okay but what they don’t tell you is like oh last
night i smoked hash in that
you know and there’s hash in that bowl
because i smoked a hit off of somebody’s bowl the
other day and it
tastes like potpourri
that reminds me of like when i used to
smoke opium i’m like
that tastes like opium
i wonder if this guy had opium in that bowl before
you know whoa
you were smoking opium
like fucking
white up and shit
yeah chinese
like what was that how is that high opium
yeah it was pretty sweet it was mellow
just mellow high it’s like heroin
i mean that’s
basically heroin i mean i didn’t fucking see
babies crawling on the
ceiling or anything well you don’t see that on heroin
right heroin’s not a hallucinogen
hero i don’t like
needles i don’t think so
the movie trainspiting was all
about the hallucinos well
it depends on how long you’ve been
doing it you know it’s like if you do meth you’re not
gonna be like
tearing you know
painting the
house but if you do it like for like
two weeks straight you’re probably
gonna think your
house needs to get
painted i thought
for sure yeah
eddie bravo
always dated a
bunch of bitches that were hooked on speed
and he used to tell me that like he had like all
these like rules like how you
could tell when
chicks your date were on
speed and one of them is
their fucking
house is spotless
oh yeah their
house is spotless and they’re always
cleaning and like
these bitches
never eat and they’re always
they’re never
tired they were
never eating and they
never tired
and it was like the best thing
about them is that you
could fuck them in the ass because there was
never any poop in there
that’s hilarious
that sounds like survival’s guide
the banging meth heads
that’s hilarious dude
i always thought
the sham wild guy was on meth because
if you ever listen to the
commercial he’s always like
how much you
spend on cleaning supplies a
month or like
60 70 like who’s doing that much
cleaning bro
unless you’re
meth out of your mind
definitely doing something
cause he had a
fight with a prostitute with a prostitute
bit his tongue
that’s right so he was tongue kissing a prostitute
she bit down on his tongue and he
punched her in the face
he has that new movie
that came out is that a
movie yeah he’s like producing
movies now and
how much money do you make off that channel oh
millions that’s hilarious millions
he actually did that old
movie that the new york times gave
zero stars to you ever hear about that
movie had like
bobby lee in it and
wheels parisi
do you remember that movie
didn’t they make that in mexico
yeah it’s like joe diaz were supposed to be on that
movie but something happened like
they were supposed to send him like
money in advance or something like
that because he thought it was shady and he didn’t go
that’s the sham wild
guy made this yeah
that’s funny because the new one has like lindsay lohan
there’s a part in it
and stuff like
wow guys lindsay lohan
maybe she was high
where’s lindsay but the
movie i like
cracked out lindsay
because i got a shot with
cracked out lindsay
jesus freak lindsay she’s
i think buddy
mine was banging there
i loved it buddy mine
who’s in a band
it was a really
crazy story man
he was a real good dude man and
i’ve never seen anybody get hooked on drugs
more clearly like
you know like you hang out with someone once
and then you see them
again like six
months later
like i hung out with him once
and he was like
super cool and friendly and
happy and he’d been really doing a lot of yoga
and he’s like man you know i just
found out when i exercise like you’re
gonna think
clear i’m really into that lately and
kinda like just cut
way back in the party
i don’t know what the fuck happened to him
but then i saw him six
months later and he was like trying to sell me a
stereo or something oh that’s
just jacked out and shaken and it was
it was warm out but this
motherfucker was freezing
and he was like
covering himself with his jacket
while he was talking to me
and it was like so horrible it was like i
watched like a dude who’d gotten a
you know it’s like he’s
been infected
by the stereo
didn’t mind
i love this
get correct discounts bro i had a fat tv
for a while for 20 bucks
crackhead sold it to me i’m like you’re moving
right oh yeah yeah i’m moving i
gotta sell it
i’m like 20
bucks nice television it’s not amazing that
they need it so bad they’re willing to give you a tv
for 20 bucks
mm hmm what is that
evolutionary oh it’s
stolen what the
fuck is i don’t give a shit is it
stolen it might be
theirs bro a lot of people before they
start stealing they
start selling
their own shit really
cheap because that’s the only shit they can i mean
if they can
if it’s different
to you waiting six
hours and getting 200
bucks or selling it
right now and getting 20 and then getting high
right away a lot of guys will just take that 20
yeah i don’t know if it’s
evolution i just
think people we’ve gotten so
away from our primal
roles do you know what i’m saying
that people are
bored and i mean they don’t know what to
do with themselves because we’re you know it’s back to
where meant to be hunting there meant to be
women are meant to be raising babies and
yeah you know
the way i’ve always described it is that we have this
ancient hardware
these ancient
bodies yeah that are used to like a certain amount
we need a certain amount of input
we’re designed
to like like the reason why people need human
touch we need camaraderie like if you don’t have
human touch it
doesn’t seem like you
should that
should like
one hundred percent
babies can die if
it could human
one hundred
percent no i mean it’s like it’s a real needy
thing i mean
it’s a need it’s not you know so
where did that evolve from will that evolve
from the fact that we need to stay together as
tribes and this is the way we bond together like we
literally need each
other and if we’re
separated from each
other for any long length of time we feel terrible
and get sick
i never read a book called
why do beautiful people have more
daughters i
think i might talk to you
about that they talk
about how like
human beings we’re
still wired like cavemen
we have very primal
drives inside us and
they say it takes 10 000 years
for something to
either leave us or
a new way of thinking
it takes that long
to cycle out it makes
sense i mean how else
could it do it quickly
but the world is
changing so fast that you know
it’s just it’s a
completely different environment than 10 000 years ago
every single aspect of it from gathering food
you know i was
thinking about this the other day
i pulled into
wendy’s i was hungry and
i got a cheeseburger and i’m sitting there in my car
eating his cheeseburger i’m like how did i get meat so
quick you know
literally like it was a minute
between the time that i talked into the
speaker to the time
i’m biting down this cheeseburger it was one minute
it was so goddamn fast
i pulled up i gave him the
money the guy gave me a bag i’m like really this is it
then i sit there and i’m eating this cheeseburger
and then i’m like
this is so crazy i want some
wendy’s i want to be amazed by fast food that’s funny
being baked
so it’ll do for you
but i was thinking it’s so incredible that i have a
piece of a dead
animal that’s cooked already and it’s in my
mouth and it’s one
minute it’s crazy
right i mean
fast food is really
a motherfucker because we
all these other
things that we
think are important
we gotta rush
around and get this and get that done that’s not
really what’s important what’s important is sustenance
you have to be able to feed yourself you
gotta be able to
close yourself you
gotta have loved ones around you
gotta have a good time
that’s what’s really important
but all that’s
fucking shit i got a meeting at five and i
gotta get here and i
gotta make this happen the meeting is
gonna make sure that
my career moves forward in a certain direction then i’m
gonna work more
hours and i don’t have time for food
you know but shit man what are you doing this for like
where is this going yeah
what happens at the end
you get a fucking bag of gold and you get to run off to
leprechaun land
or yeah we just get a fucking
heart attack and
and shit your
pants in your bed
while you’re clutching onto your chest
and you die in a puddle
of your own diarrhea with a fucking busted open heart
crazy because you’ve been
because you’ve
been riding on a diet pill fucking freight train
that was my diarrhea
sound that was the
sound that was
great what’s the
heart attack sound
what was the heart attack sound you make a heart attack
brian’s still rocking the cigarettes man
how are you talk about health yeah smoke cigarettes
but so weird cause my grandpa smoked cigarettes forever
yeah minded my grandpa really
smokes cigarettes but he smoked pipes
tobacco like out of pipes are actually good for you
it’s not bad
yeah but it’s not you
blow out more smoke than a
cigarette right but you don’t
hail that you don’t inhale that doesn’t fuck your lungs
really amazed when i hear
people still smoke
it just blows my mind
tobacco in medical it doesn’t taste good what is it
well tobacco has actually been shown
medically nicotine rather has
been shown medically to actually have
a beneficial aid to a lot of different things
you know nicotine is actually not that bad for you
especially in like small doses
nicotine is not what’s really
dangerous what’s really dangerous is probably the 599
additives in cigarettes
and that are designed
to make you remember that
russell crowe
movie the insider
yeah yeah yeah
went over all the shit that they that’s already
dioxide too
right that’s not good for either
i mean anything
smoke is bad
and that’s why we’re hitting the
vaporizer right right
i feel way better
after using the
vaporizer than i do
smoke and joints not a stoned
really yeah i don’t feel
stoned at all
right now let’s go back in there son
see that’s what i’m
saying it just seems like
vaporizers to me
for the most part
just waste weed
like that much weed
that you put in there
you could have had a joint and we
would all been fucking
blown out yeah
but it’s a health thing
that’s the reason why it’s there
i mean if you have a joint a day who gives a fuck
that’s not that bad for you if you’re doing joey diaz
type smoking
where you’re just non stop joints yeah
that’s when it gets bad
yeah but joe diaz is
self medicating
you guys talk amongst yourself when i get some weed
so sam you have the naughty show tomorrow
right at the
airport very
excited about it
doug benson’s on it
right doug benson
jenna hayes
jay hayes is nice
yeah we got some fun people coming down jeff richards
gonna be playing
drunk girl no way yeah
that’s kind of cool
actually that
was one of the few characters from the old siren
night lives i used to actually
enjoy watching was jeff richards as the
drunk girl but now he’s that’s considered old siren
super blue dream
ladies and gentlemen
super blue dream
ari’s a full on
stoner now i
guess i didn’t realize
that i went on tour with him i’m like wow
when i first
moved out to california
duncan and ari were like my two
first friends
and we would like
always film
videos like
duncan was always trying to be
famous with his little hobo
video guy so we
would make little
videos for him
and one time i got
stoned and ari’s like
didn’t smoke weed and i was like dude just
smoke this is actually the shittiest
weed you could
possibly buy
meanwhile it’s like the it was the best weed
ever i just
so he fills up the bong
i know well you know
it’s just like
you hang out with
comics that you know will benefit
from weed and you’re like dude come on you’ll like this
chill out you need to take it here i’mma push
this so anyways
he fills the bong up fucking
coughs a lung out fucking
crazy stoned and then he goes
well you gonna need to tell people why that makes you
crazy stoned
because it opens up your
supposedly when you cough it opens up the air
or the blood
vessels in your lungs that
makes more thc
go into your that
sound you hear is the grinder
grinding the marijuana to put inside the
paper with your
fancy grinders
people always say you cough
when you cough
you get off
where’s your
fancy grinder joe
where’s that
t shirt so anyways
but what’s crazy is
after he did
all this i thought he was hanging out for a while
he goes damn i’m
late for my audition or something like that i got a jet
and i lived in calabasas and he was
going to hollywood
which is like a good 30 minutes away
and so supposedly he was so
stoned he was driving like
so slow on the highway he was sitting at
green lights not knowing the go
well that’s why like most times when you talk feel
like yeah i got i got high ones really didn’t feel it
cause you’re always really
light on oh just a little hit just a little hit
right just make him go for it yeah now he
smokes 80 times more than me oh yeah you
know like i’m one of
those guys that
i’ll take a good one or two hits here and there
during the day when i’m working or doing something
but he’s one of
those guys that just wakes up and
smokes and eats and just
everything weed
non stop now he loves the weed
i just can’t
i get paranoid a little bit
yeah well you
should be paranoid
bitch well i am
i haven’t been getting paranoid anymore
i don’t know if that’s just over
it’s called not
being made a song about it
yeah so tomorrow
nights naughty show i’m very
excited about dude
yeah naughty
show if you’ve
never seen it before it’s not just a comedy show
it’s a comedy show with a
bunch of sketches and all kinds of
other crazy shit
you still toss in my fucking my boy
brian’s ex on stage the
she hasn’t done she hasn’t been
ah she did something in vegas
he’s banged
more girls in my show than i have i’ve banged none
he’s banging
that’s good
for you that shows your character
and your dedication to a fine show
someone needs to pick this fucking show up
vegas people
you people at the palms
you want you want to show what’s gonna
bring people
in over hard
rock you people with the hard rock fuck the palms
i wouldn’t say
fuck the palms i love the palms palms is cool man
it’s cool too
why do you want to do the hard rocking on the palms
because courts at the palms and that’s his
house and he’s my friend and i
would never do anything
wrong by the way what the fuck that’s more of a
party anyway
well you remember they used to have that have you
been by the cosmetall
cosmopolitan
is that what’s called
it’s the new
hotel dude it is nuts
i couldn’t believe i’m like wow this is top
shelf crazy
yeah we’ll be there next weekend next weekend is
mandali day i’m
so jealous of
you guys dude
come on down
i’d like to come
watch man i’d like to
see that weekend yeah dude that’s
gonna be such a
great job john jones
607 brother that’s my home area buffalo no
it’s actually
he’s binghamton i’m cortland we’re just outside
syracuse man 6 07 dude
do you feel like
he’s representing yeah oh
i get such pride
it’s armenian
it’s a great
fight that’s
gonna be a good fight it
is very dangerous anderson
silva is gonna be a good fight too
yeah anderson
silva vs vitor
but you changed like
training partner
training anderson did
no belfort i read
changed his
training manager
no no no no he just
had sean thompkins was one of his
striking coaches
and he worked with him for he’s been working on for a
while he stopped
going with him and he’s working with ray sepho now
that shit to ray
sephos a bad
motherfucker yeah i’m sure i just get
worried when you
start changing
trainers right before
like a week
before the fight that’s kind of
weird i don’t know how many weeks has been
but i don’t know i’m
excited for that
fight i like both
those guys man and they’re both
those guys are getting octagon and have that like
let that like
world class
scare you like factor
you know you’re like oh man look who’s across the way v
tour’s so fast man
he could catch anybody
you know but anderson’s so
smart and so technical
you know it’s like
you know a lot of people
are saying well anderson had a problem with shale
sun and stand up
totally true but
i don’t think he was anticipated as much i
think he was anticipating jail to try to take him down
whereas with vitor
he’s definitely
gonna be thinking
about vitor
stand up it’s a very interesting
fight i can’t wait man i can’t wait
it’s like finally
someone is not intimidated they’re both intimidators i
think that’s a big thing
and it’s just
i mean to be that
successful in the octagon is
crazy for that long
since 2006 you’re
gonna have to do your own ufc
drunk pass that night
yeah brian’s
gonna be there live you guys
by the way the
nighty show podcast number two is now up on itunes cool
thank you i’m good dude
i’m good i’m good
i’m good trust me
just take one hit
duncan trust him
that was a fake hit that was he’s like a girl
i know that
it does it now
he’s like a girl
what a girl’s
known for fake
hits what does that even mean i don’t even know hmm
so i was reading online some people are
upset at you because of
that you got a kick out of a girl calling you a nigger
can you believe that
they’re mad at me yeah why
do they think it’s
racist they don’t
understand context and they don’t
understand that you have opened yourself up and
you’re communicating with all these
folks online honestly as if they were friends
see we are all
friends here and we’ve been friends for many years
and you’re treating us and you’re
treating these people online the same as the same way
you’re trying
to free them that’s what i’m doing i’m like
cause i feel like
sex is like
the thing that defines
you the most and sometimes if you’re in the weird shit
you like hide it and that’s how you know you end up
hanging yourself in a fucking
closet you know what i’m saying
jerking off well people
think there’s something
wrong with you
because you like that and that’s a strange
thing man that someone
would judge you for liking that
i don’t care man you know
you’re not a
racist at all i mean
i love people i’ve
known sam for more than a decade and he’s
never showed any prejudice towards anything i love
men or women or gays or
you know and everybody on an
individual basis
absolutely you you are a hundred percent across the
board like that
but you know there’s something
about you that likes naughty shit yeah
i mean that’s why you have this show called the naughty
she’s a little
messed up if you’re banging a chicken
she’s calling you a niggers like there’s something
about that that’s like
i can’t believe we’re doing this i dig it dude you know
i’m saying cause it’s like taboo man
that’s what everybody likes people online
are such fucking
knuckleheads that for whatever
reason they’re turned off by this like they don’t
understand good
way to alienate a crowd
good way to
alienate your audience
what are you saying by being honest
he’s not calling people niggers and matter of fact
he’s not even calling the girl that he’s banging yeah
i’m getting called it he’s getting called
it dude have you ever been called the n word by a
black guy it’s the
greatest feeling ever it’s
paul mooney
yeah dude i love that he goes oh use
use it you ain’t
white homie
you saw meaning he was a
nigga i was like oh you’re gonna
find out someday homie
you’re a nigga
yeah you’re a
nigga you’re a
nigga with whiter skin okay you’re a
nigga it’s just so interesting
like racism used to be joe
you can’t go here you can’t do this you
can’t date them you can’t work here you can’t eat here
now it’s like
cause you don’t
agree with the context of the joke it’s a
racist joke it’s there’s nothing
racist nobody’s being held back
no one’s being
forced into something
it’s the slippery
slope because for a
while there
you couldn’t question it
if someone goes you’re
racist you’re
like okay hey dude dude yeah let’s not get
crazy right
right right it’s like
1980 99 of the
week girls will say you hate
women yeah you
know if you
think they’re cunts like you hate
women brian
possein is the best line
because a girl actually said that to him
he goes yeah you know here’s a
funny thing
every girl that said that to me
i hate yeah
that’s a great line
that’s so true like the idea that you
stand for everyone with a vagina that’s
completely ridiculous
because we’re
in an argument and i disagree with you all of a
sudden i have issues with all women
no that’s like
a weakening
thing it’s like a
trick that they use on you to like to try to get you to
submit and it’s
about trying to stop the conversation
cause they have no
more i’m gonna
label you you’re a
racist that’s what racism
used to be if i called you
racist like ten years ago that was the
death blow hey settle down bob
no hey that’s how long just
you’re racist oh
come on let’s not get
crazy it’s like well you’re getting good putting a
label is it
it’s a funny thing man
you know i have a joke
about it like
that you know i
never say the word niger
unless i’m on
stage or unless i know for sure
there’s no white people around
but i don’t say it like
like hey there’s a
bunch of niggers i say it like
your friend walks up there’s no
white people like what’s up nigga
yeah give each
other a pound
it’s also so interesting how the rule applies
to like who it applies
to who doesn’t
apply to like i’ve
heard comedians all the time yet saying the n word on
stage black guys
no i’ve heard
white guys say it but only if they’re
using it in like
saying that someone said it
like i saw norton this weekend and he was doing a
bid on mel gibson
hilarious by the way jim norton was funny
yeah he’s very
funny he was hilarious dude i
laughed hard it was the first time
that i had got the
scene like a
guy do like a real headline set in a long time
anyway he was doing a thing
about mel gibson
where he was
saying the word you know like
mel gibson say
i hope you get raped by a pack of niggers
and you know
it was really
funny but he
had to say that word because it was in that contrast
he was in this is he’s repeating what mel gibson said
so if he said the n word it would have
sounded awkward right
so mel gibson
said i hope you get attacked by a pack of n words
no honestly
just gonna repeat what he said
right you have to say it
i always felt mel gibson wasn’t who
did mean it in a racist
kind of way
he just meant it he’s in an interracial gangbang porn
and he just want to see his girl get ganged by
black guys he’s an asshole no he is an asshole
he is an asshole
calling you know it’s a different
when i was and i got
people gave me shit
about that joke like
about even saying it in that joke and saying that i
would call my friend a nigger
but i would say that
i would never do it there’s
black people around like i don’t want any
black people to get offended i don’t want anybody’s
feelings to be hurt by the words that i say but
what’s so what’s so big
isn’t it supposed to be all about
intense i don’t get why people want to keep taking
things away i understand
why because they have jobs bro and they have to work
and when people
have to work and you’re in that sort of environment
where everybody’s like super
proper and you can’t say certain things
they want to keep taking more
things away
you know it’s like it
used to be able
to call retards in the office i’m sure used to be
but if you work
if you’re like a boss and you have a
bunch of employees and you start
throwing around the road retard and
this fucking dopey cunt
you know you
start talking like that
bro you can get sued yeah 100
they’ll sue you and
they’ll like you
know you’ll have to like pay out your employees because
subjecting them to like and i can
understand that but like in terms of art
like art is meant to
stimulate whether it’s positive or negative its you
is that true though
i mean it’s
expression right
it’s expression
but it’s an
expression and if someone
violently disagrees with your
expression they
violently disagree with the thought behind it
so if it’s like
you have a racist
bit and it’s
clearly a real
racist bit and even though you
think it’s really
funny and a lot of
racist people
think it’s really funny
for some people it’ll be like whoa whoa whoa
this is a bad
expression i want to stop this
right where it is
right i see what you’re doing here
i totally agree that but
i mean personally man i love america i love like this
southern cal is the
greatest thing
cause there’s so much diversity here
anywhere else you
go there’s nothing
and i know there’s like part of england
and france germany are very diverse but no one has a
latin american
like population that we have and it’s like
that’s what makes america
amazing and then you go to somewhere like
canada where it’s all
white people it’s like just a
weird kind of like but they’re also
super fucking friendly
and no they are they are
crime they are
like you know it’s
like what do you want you want all the flavor and the
crime or do you want like less flavor nice people
it’s a tricky thing
that’s why a lot of people
move to colorado
after they live in
california that’s
one of the reasons why i did it’s
like people are different there they’re a little more
relaxed there’s less
crime it’s less bullshit
is those angst
you know i like the diversity dude i like
it too but i don’t like all the goddamn traffic in the
crime no that is one
thing you know but i like diversity i like my
tricky shit different
i like how everybody’s different
i’m so used to it now
at first it was kind of
scary i guess
because i mean it really is like
where i live i’m one
white person on a
block almost
it’s just everywhere i look it’s you know
not white people
so at first it was kind of
scary but now it’s like if you feel used to it almost
like it feels like oh no no i’m
in a mexican look i mean la is
great you can get in with
a armenian taxi driver take you to a hip hop club
dance to the hip hop
it’s not the diversity that’s the problem
it’s the overpopulation
it’s too many people
and when you have too many people for sure there’s
gonna be a bunch of crime
just the way it is so
there’s only so many resources and some people got take
resources that aren’t
readily available
well there’s that yeah and then there’s also just as
all gonna be in more bad
apples cause there’s more
humans you know right
one person out
of a million is doing fucked up shit that’s
gonna make the news and there’s no
one ever heard anymore yeah
if you make it to the
party you can stay at the
party you know i’m saying yeah
you can’t fix them and you can’t kill them
so what you
gotta do you
gotta lock them in
boxes i also
think that you know i mean in terms of
racism i think there’s something about
and you seen in la a lot is like
people like to believe there’s some
shadow group out there holding them down
right you know and that’s across the
board yeah like there’s
some people who like to act like it’s nineteen fifties
and like they’re
oppressed now i’m not saying one certain
group but you see certain people saying that like
right female
comics make me laugh
because they’re always talking
about how hard it is to be a female comic
but usually
what they’re bitching
about is the same thing male
comics have to do
i think it’s harder to be a
chick man i
think it is too i don’t i
think you move very quickly
i think there used to be but now you see
these girls
who are hitting
quicker and
they’re learning comedy on the fly
if they kind of
they get success before they get
success and
stand up they get tv
success yeah they get
everything so they learn
they’re making they’re having a career why they’re
learning so i
think like it’s in that
sense it’s i
think if you show a little bit of like
skill you get
moved up quicker
in my opinion
well i think they’re looking for
funny chicks because they’re so rare
so when you see one they’re so rare that that’s why you
think that they get
moved up quicker
because there’s guys are getting
moved up at the same rate
but there’s more guys
so it’s like you know it’s harder
for each individual guy
but for i think it’s the same amount of
chicks get success as guys
and i think it’s harder
i think their subject matters limited
they can’t talk anything
about politics i don’t hear politics out of some chicks
mouth who the
fuck you to be running this country hooker
you know guys will hear a woman talk
about politics and instinctually want to
think the opposite they wanna
cause they’re trying to
combat this
woman from taking over like it’s like
natural tribal
monkey instincts that you have to suppress
in order to let a woman talk
so you got this
woman who’s talking and she’s on
stage in front of a
crowd with a
microphone and a spotlight
and you’re a man
you’re a man and she’s commanding the attention well
just your caveman instincts are like there’s something
wrong with this
dynamic i i don’t know man i just like some like
a lisa lampanelli i feel that she’s able to say things
because of how she looks and who she is and she’s
funny joe diaz isn’t
it’s the same
thing man yeah but
ugly people can rock it harder
you know why because they’re ugly
right there’s something that’s a weapon when you’re a
comic being ugly and fat and fucked up is a weapon
you use that shit like this
motherfucker’s
funny already
why because in real
life we’ve come to associate ugly fat fucked up people
with the guys who are
the most reckless
they say the
crazy shit they’re the ones who get hammered probably
funny right
you know probably
how to develop a good personality
because chicks
weren’t into him because he had a gut you know
those guys are a lot of times well that’s more comedy
comes from because it’s a
defense mechanism but for what i’m saying is for a
woman who’s a normal looking
woman you’re
a normal looking man you know a normal looking
woman i think it’s harder for her than it is for you
go on stage and
i think it’s harder for them
that i think
their subject matter is more limited
especially if it’s a regular looking girl
like there’s a lot more
dirty girl comics now that are good i
think because of
sarah silverman
like they saw
that she was successful
and then there’s a lot of pervert
chicks out there but they were like holding that back
you know and so now
i think they’re recognized that’s a viable option and
people actually like it they like that kind of comedy
no i think they do
they accept
it cause it’s paradigms
that’s my opinion
but i get dirty they’re like
oh man you know all
great frat boy comedy if a girl gets dirty
girls are almost like
yeah you’re representing us
they sort of
it’s not dumb i think
sarah was the first
sarsovan was the first like
really good female
dirty yeah she’s very
funny she’s really good joan
rivers was phenomenal yeah
she was good i mean
when she was not
dirty like sarah silverman though
sarah silverman’s brutal
i mean maybe joan
rivers is saucy
you know but
sarah silverman i love taking
shits and elevators and she’s fucking
funny man yeah
and then lee’s
rock finale
came through and she’s really
dirty too yeah
there’s many more of
those now but i think
sarah was like the
first one that was like really good chelsea
yeah chelsea
she’s a party girl
yeah i feel like that’s more acceptable yeah
that’s what
i’m trying to
say i’m just
saying it’s
still harder for the chick man
it’s harder to be you’re
more nervous you have no you know physical confidence
i see dude here’s another thing man
you know it’s like and then i
recently i was leaving the improv
and i saw this female
comic who used to just get
blackout crazy drunk
at the comedy
store can’t
quite remember name by used to watch it
going that girl is a
train wreck
i walk by i see her
she’s like hey i’m like hey what’s up she’s like
got married
and then is driving this
fat lexus suv
so i always feel like
as a female
comic you have an out
you have a backup plan my backup
lamp i’ll make is
failure tell me you
can’t find some gay guy and suck his dick and i’ll give
you a house
listen bro you
could find some sugar mama
if she’s got some
ugly dude that she’s banging you can find some ugly
chick right divorced
if you really wanted to do that you
could do that but
how many girls want to be
under control of
some man for money
you’re saying that that’s like a viable option
you’re gonna drop the
standards that low
and assume that
women will do that and get
married to some dude just for
money like all
of them have that in the bag like as a escape
clause i don’t see you can say that for you too because
you’re making an assumption that
chicks would be willing to do that they
would all be willing to do that
that’s not what
i’m not saying all them i’m saying that is
a is an option but it’s not an option for all of them
first of all it’s not an option because they
don’t want that they don’t want some dude that they’re
not in love with they’re just there with the money
you know so
a lot of them there’s no option
you know you’re
assuming i’m high
right now i
can’t remember i had a rebut to that but i just i just
i think it’s hard
on every my
point being
everybody has the same kind of like
problems and
comedy is just a hard
business you know i’m saying it’s easy it’s hard but
they’re like the actual business is not the easiest
thing in the
world no i think that
everybody and
sometimes people want to make it up like
they have a harder
time than everybody else do you know what i’m saying i
agree with you 100
people definitely do that
and when i see like some 20 year old kid on youtube
bitching about
racism i’m like
you’re like
it’s a different time people are getting
along better everyone’s boning
you know it’s also but
it’s in his perspective he
still sees an injustice
even though it’s like
you’re like well it’s not the 1950s
where they can’t use the same
water fountain
so there’s no injustice like
lighten the fuck up
he still sees something there’s
still some sort that’s
what i’m saying it’s like everyone believes as this
person holding them down yeah that is a problem man the
self defeating
sort of attitude that some people have that it’s like
hey man so stacked against me
you know there’s some guys that the
world is always fucking
stack one hundred percent
one hundred percent
nicked apollo
love them to
death it’s one of the funniest fucking guys out there
but i got nick
he played the part of my brother on newsradio
and nick is just always used to everybody being a cunt
these fucking quiz
these fucking cocksuckers
these motherfuckers fucking with me
he’s always like someone’s
always an asshole this guy’s a douchebag and this
you know whatever
so it’s like nick
depaulo’s like always got this like negative vibe so
worst case scenario
the casting lady
was a poonhound or a male
version the female version of a male poonhound
love dudes right
and now i’m not saying she did anything with
these dudes but she
loved to have them as friends
it was so big for her she loved it
and she had all these guy
buddy friends and she’d hook them up with parts
and sometimes they
weren’t very fucking good
they weren’t good
actors but they were pals with her so they got cast for
these roles
well when we
wrote this script
you know there was
two i had three brothers and two brothers were
gonna be played by my friends
brian callan played one brother
and nicked apollo
britt played the
other brother
right and we had already worked it out
with the producers and this is exactly what we wanted
they knew these
guys the guys had come in like they they knew like
they’d been familiar with their work
like this is perfect this
would be really funny well
that my friend goes in to meet the casting lady
and it’s supposed to be like pre arranged
and she decides that she’s
gonna put like some
other boyfriend of hers in so
she cuts him off she cuts the polo off
and like does something with the
paperwork i don’t know
what the fuck she did i don’t know how she finangled it
but all the sudden
she made it is look as if
he couldn’t
do it and this guy’s doing it so i call nick up
and i go what happened he goes
i don’t know what the
fuck happened you know i went down there talk to the
so i go hold on a
second i’m gonna fix it i’ll call you
right back so
we had to tell the girl no this this part was already
given to this guy
and so nick couldn’t believe it
when he came back
on the set when he was on the set he’s like it’s real
i’m really he’s hilarious
just waiting for someone
to fuck it up and boom somebody fucked it up for him
you know it’s
self fulfilling prophecies
man that goes back to what you’re saying and he’s
really negative but i mean for me it was really funny
that it just like he’s always that way
he’s always negative
but that’s why it’s fucking comedy so
funny he’s very
funny i worked with him at the riviera o
many years ago
it was a lot of fun
he’s very nice guy dude nicked apollo
is a killer when i saw him back in boston he was like
he was like i was an open mic or i was just
starting out and he was like
a real pro by then like
maybe two years in so he
was like doing a lot of road gigs middling for people
you know he was like
super active
and i remember
watching him on
stage once his stitches just fucking
light the place
up for 20 minutes and i was like wow
i could can i do that someday
you know it’s like some of my favorite jokes so vicious
you know vicious with material matters
he was something
about aids awareness like who
doesn’t know
about aids dogs fuck with condoms now
he’s so funny dude
that sounds totally like a nick depaul
alive he’s so funny man
yeah fucking that’s that
watching that whole casting agent
thing was so fascinating man
this woman’s such a crazy
male version of you know a guy who uses the casting
couch and if it was a guy that was doing that he
would be a piece of shit
if there was a guy that was you just need a podcast
you just need to get a podcast joe
that’s what the casting couch is
like you know to some people
okay what i was saying was
just what this woman
would do was the male
but no it’s not
what i’m saying is
it’s like a casting
couch is the new version of the cast
is it casting is that your
game is that your
game no i’m not bringing anybody on
this show that my band is that’s what he’s saying he is
a little bit
that’s great totally fucking joking you’re not joking
because no one else thought that
that isn’t even in the
back of my head but in your head it’s in the for now
that’s in millions of people’s heads
do you have girls bombing
on you because of this podcast
no not because of this podcast i’m saying podcasting
podcasting is the new the
couch like hey
you want a podcast we can hook you up with a podcast no
you’re saying
this you’re acting like this you’re
saying this
is ridiculous
no one else
is saying that dude
this is not like a common theme
no that’s what i am saying it’s you you’re doing
it that’s the new version
of the casting
couch nowadays
not casting
is so big no
it’s not you
silly fuck and here’s why
because you’re not auditioning people for a part
you don’t have them come in and
maybe i like you and
maybe i like you
the reason why
these people have
these weird relationships is
they get the person whoever’s acting
whoever wants
these parts
thinking that
look there’s a thousand people trying out for this
who’s gonna be my best friend
who’s gonna be close yeah
definitely you see it all the time dude i’ve seen when
they would cast for some things you
would see a big fuckin line of people and this
power this ultimate
power over the people that come in
casting people
some of the fucking
creepiest people have
very nice ones
don’t get me
wrong i met a
bunch of very very nice ones
some of them
they don’t take advantage of the
power and they’re just friendly people
and everyone’s
nice to them because everybody wants to be on a show
so for the most part the job is pretty positive
and they look they got this guy
the guy who
got me fear factor jeff i’m
sorry i don’t remember his name
his last name
he was a great guy a
super super friendly
guy like no negativity at all and he was a casting guy
but he was a guy who genuinely
loved productions and
loved good work and loved
putting together tv shows and shit and
he had cast a bunch of
really good shows
so it was a positive
but a lot of them man they just fucking feed off that
power power corrupt
just creepy fucking shitty
dumbass opinions and
i remember being in a fucking casting agent
room with this chick and
she was like
chubby and unattractive
but very confident
which is always odd right
you know and
why joe bartnick has the best line he goes
never put a fat chicken
power because she has too many
axes to grind
true it’s true
and so this one
um she sits down with me and it’s like
um she sits down and you know she’s like judging me
breaking me down you know i’m this
young guy and
you know she’s probably like 40 and kind of creepy
and you know
there’s something predatory
about her right
so she starts talking
about where you from
and i said well
i was born in
new jersey but i grew up in boston she goes yeah
well i’m from jersey too
but i don’t tell anybody i tell them i’m from new york
i go why would you tell them that you’re from new york
and she goes
i don’t want people knowing i’m from new jersey
i go that’s
ridiculous i go so you’re telling me that like you
define people by what
state they tell you
they’re from
and she just looks at me and she goes
would you like to
start reading
like right there
and like and then i’m like what have i done
and then there’s a part in this fucking this
audition and it’s a really embarrassing audition okay
because i have to pretend that this cow is now my
girlfriend you know and then i love her
and then i have to
leave her and at one
point in time i have to sing a song to her
so i have to sing
this fucking the
lyrics to that tape
bruce springsteen song god
that tape would be
good oh my god
to this and
she is looking at me like with a half an eyebrow raised
and like you’re wasting your time i’m
never gonna give you this part anyway
but you have to do
it because i told you to do it so here’s your audition
scared person oh i was
death it was how many
people on the
drive dog shit logs coming out of my mouth
i was trying
to get him out it was like i had a hundred logs of
dried dog shit in my
mouth i’m just trying to
i gotta get him out one at a time
i can’t wait to
get him out and then finally i got it out and i got to
leave and that’s hilarious
i hate auditioning man
brutal it’s the
worst thing
about acting it’s like
here we want you to be we want to know that you can
pretend to be someone else so we’re going to give you
a totally alien environment
where you’re
sitting there there’s a camcorder on you assistance
everyone’s got their arms
crossed and you’re gonna read
and one time
i got annoyed once
cause i was doing
this audition and i was reading with this assistant
and this fucking dude couldn’t read man
it was like you’re supposed to be like
reading with him like some
like listen mike
if we don’t
get back there by six o’clock we’ve got a real problem
you have to be able to at
least say that
this guy was like listen
mike listen if
you don’t get back there by
ten o’clock we have
a real i’m not kidding this guy fucked up every line
he was like
super super nervous
he everything that came out of his
mouth was like a jumble
i’m like you stutter and fuck this is a
movie audition
i remember auditioning
for this really really bad sitcom not a sitcom
comedy movie
and i didn’t want to go on the
audition but i was i was like i don’t want to do this
movie if i ever do this
movie i’ll be unhappy my
agents like listen sometimes it’s better to get
things then
you turn them down then more people want to be
like oh that
doesn’t make any
sense but all
right you got me i’m there so i go and i audition
for it and it’s brutal
it’s so bad
it’s like this and i’m supposed to play this guy who’s
really happy
about being
married and i’m trying to convince my friend
that you know you can be
married to man is that
marriage is amazing who
wrote this it’s so bad i have no idea
it’s horrible there’s this horrible english director
you know he’s got this
like a really
powerful english accent and
he wants me to ad lib so i just get done with
these awful
awful words i mean the the dialogue was just wooden and
stupid and he’s like all right
this is the next
thing what i want you to do
is i want you to take this
piece of paper
and i want you to
write on it just married
you’re very excited
okay you you’re
going to let him know you know just married
and i stopped and i said
you know what i go if this guy was an actor
and we were on a set
and i was already
i already had the part
i might add live something and i
could probably come up with something i’d sit down and
you know figure out some good lines for this
right but this is an audition
and this guy’s
an assistant
and i don’t want to do that
i can’t so i said i actually said that like
these are my words i don’t want to do that
and they go okay well
thank you thank you for coming in okay and i
leave and my
agent calls me up fucking furious
what did you say to them
you know you can’t do that you’re gonna get
blackballed you understand
i go do i understand
i go what did i say i was honest i said this
is this is bad there’s an assistant here who can’t read
and you want me to ad lib
to some shitty fucking
movie what am i supposed to do there
why do they
yeah that’s just this time i don’t
think that what i did was rude i
think i let them know that i didn’t want to do their
movie yeah you have to have
you did you
gotta put your foot down once more
this town respects that i think
you can’t say come here
read this for the
first time now
write your own shit
and put it in there
well okay which will probably end up in the
movie though that’s a
great line do you really
zap judah did that
zap judah apparently was doing this
movie with some
guy and i don’t want to say the guy’s name
but it rhymes with
eddie murphy
and he was he
would say like really
funny lines
and then boxer
zab did i say zab judah
judah freelander
jesus christ the fuck is
wrong with me
jude is all together
yeah wow the boxers in a movie yeah
thank you for noticing that
that shit would have
went on the internet
oops too late anyway
so jude is doing this
movie and judah has all these like
great ad libs
and in the next scene like
in the next take like
eddie murphy’s got the ad libs now
judas now judas like an unpaid writer
like he’s writing all these
great lines now
eddie murphy
just jackson
that’s horrible
well it’s like
i you know what can you do
i totally get what they’re doing they’re trying to
find the best person for the job i get it i get it but
god damn it was dumb
you know who’s on set that’s always cool universally
makeup girls
you ever notice
that they’re always the
nicest people they always have a cool vibe i knew one
of those crazy
i knew one that was
completely insane so i’m
sorry yeah i met one
early on that
was just out of her fucking head and saying
was she attractive at all
cause she’s
attractive too no she wasn’t attractive
whoa who’s this
unicorn you
found of awfulness
i don’t know she’s a nice person she’s just a
crazy person
yeah i knew one
that does both
movies and but she also does porn sets and
she lives in a van
and it’s a sweet van but it’s
like you go in they have couches and you can
smoke weed but i
think she lives in it
what is it like
to go from columbus ohio like
where you grew up and all of a
sudden you’re in la
and you’re like
in the porn business for a
brief period
of time we were like hanging around with all
these people
like are you
loved or are you like are they like dude what’s
wrong with you
it was interesting
it was interesting seeing what that was all about
very quickly and
understanding how it works and how
you know the
whole game of
it that was interesting what did you get out of it like
you know did you did you get out of it like more of an
understanding for
those girls who do that well i
think the best
thing was is that you get
what i call it
i don’t know what
would be like a brother no
second cousin aids test
which is you know cause
every time they
shoot they get an aids test and then
if they don’t have aids then you don’t have aids
i love your maths
so ergo i don’t have a 38
test cousin
age test yeah
what if her
pussy is just
super resistant to it but your dick is just
her pussy is like it
could be trouble
but it’s better than who’s not having a
she got tough
she fucks so much the inside of his
completely calloused
to the point
where nothing can get in there’s no open skin
but meanwhile it’s like this you know this
leather pouch
that contains
aids loads yeah
and you’re sticking you’re
sticking your
dick in there well i mean most guys i don’t know
about you i
never went hey i
better get an aids test you know i
never really do that dude i got an aids test when
i got health insurance
when i was 24 25
and i was terrified
really absolutely
completely horrified
i was like thinking
about all the times
i had sex with our condoms i was like for sure one of
those girls has aids and now i have aids
like you know i was already 25 and i was
stupid and you know
you don’t even think
about what you’re doing you’re 25 if somebody gives you
an opening you
throw the pitch boom
it’s in the glove bam
you know it’s like peter
and even believe she’s letting you fuck her in the
first place
yeah it is truly amazing yeah your last
thing to do is
throw a condom on
half the time you know it’s like you don’t wear condoms
until you like have like in a like
one pregnancy
scare and then your
girlfriend’s like you
gotta wear a condom
this time like okay i wear a condom
anyway when we ever
get to the technology condoms feel good do you
think no i don’t
think they can do that i mean what what is it
gonna be how’s it
gonna feel as good as no sex as good as sex
maybe i mean who knows
who knows i mean what the fuck do i know i can’t
control what kind of inventions come you got a podcast
i okay got no power
i got no power
but you know so anyway
like i said when i was 25 did a lot of
stupid shit i made a lot of bad decisions i wasn’t a
mature thinking
adult i was a
child living on my own
so when that
age test came i was fucking petrified
i was positive that i had hiv i was just
thinking all
every dirty
skank that i ever
all would flash back and
find my memory
now you get sick
that sick feeling that you get especially
when you’re a kid
you don’t even realize
you have to find out from all your friends being honest
about the same situation but
nobody teaches you when you’re a
young boy like son
one day you’re
gonna have a hard on and that hard on is
gonna betray you
okay i just
wanna let you know you’re
gonna fuck a girl that you don’t even like
you don’t wanna be around her
and you’re gonna promise her you love her
you’re gonna talk to her
cause you mean it you’re
gonna talk to her
about having kids with her just because you
wanna stick your dick inside of her
and as much as
the hard as you try to do it
that’s the exact opposite how bad you’re
gonna feel when it’s over
when you have an orgasm
and you just have that fucking
terrible horrible feeling of regret
eddie bravo calls it post nut
syndrome that’s hilarious
the minute leaves who my friend
used to do just
crazy loud part
i used to do a bit
about it about
being stuck on a bus
and it’s like when you have a hard on it feels like
your dick is
driving the bus and you’re in the back seat
you’re sitting in the
back seat and you’re
watching life play out you’re
like what are you even doing up there do you know
where you’re going
you’re barely driving your life
but that when as soon as you orgasm all of a
sudden you’re at the
front of the bus hold onto the wheel
and you’re like how did i get here what am i doing here
i don’t even know how to get home who’s that
yeah what the fuck and
you know could you just cuddle and be tender
be tender what are you talking
about i gotta go i
gotta go i gotta go i
gotta go yeah and
you really did mean
everything you said
an hour ago you really meant all that shit
it’s so strange the difference between
how when you’re
horny and when you’re trying to have sex like
how passionate you
could be into someone
and then as soon as the orgasm goes away
all their qualities that you found
attractive now are annoying
didn’t somebody try to sue a guy for that like
really yeah she like for
deception or something yeah like she
that you know to get her in bed he said one thing then
afterwards he’s like
it didn’t happen she’s like
that’s a breach of contract almost yeah
i would imagine
i doubt it holds up in
court though
anything that you say
while you have a hard on
should not hold up in court i
think that is the ruling
yeah this should be
ridiculous it’s like he’s in a
compromised state
very clearly
did he have
a hard on yeah well what do you what did you
expect yeah
you asked him he was willing to marry you
his dick was a
quarter of an inch from your wet vagina
he’s gonna say yes okay i’ll marry you
what did i say
it’s really like
witchcraft no wonder why dudes
would like burn
chicks for witchcraft back in the day
they probably really believe that that was witchcraft
you know that
a woman put a
spell on you oh
yeah it didn’t make
sense like how can i be so enchanted by her
she’s a witch
and the other fat
chicks in the fucking community
come storming with torches
and light that
bitch on fire like the like
it’s always the fat chick
like those two
in my stories it is
do you know that
north carolina
football team the panthers two their
cheerleaders got busted
going at it
in a bathroom
stall at a restaurant
whoa and then the
one of the waitresses
called the cops and had them arrested
i’m like you know she’s just some chunky moo moo
that just fucking was player hating on
these two hotties
going i don’t know man if i was a regular
chick and i was working and some
skanks were
eating each
other’s assholes in the fucking
booth i might
go hey get the fuck out of here with your
dirty asshole
i would wait
to their final
table where
a french fry
could fall down a little creaking
public in the bathroom
all right you’re a
waiter at a
restaurant and two guys are having sex and licking each
other’s assholes
would you go yeah
i’m saying it’s okay you said a
booth okay no
i said a bathroom
did i say that i
think you said a
boo i’m in a bathroom you
met a stall
yeah bathroom yeah you confused the shit out yeah
you confused
the shit out i messed up
right now yeah
it’s just the
wrong word we got confused okay so i get your point
yeah if they
were banging in the bathroom i’d probably let it go
if i came in the bathroom and two
chicks are fingering each
other oh whoops
sorry gotta go
probably just
told a manager and the manager called the cops
you know or something like yeah she ratted her out in
america yeah
you shouldn’t rat someone out for
eating box in a toilet who’s getting hurt there yeah
who’s the victim
if you came in and she was giving her a massage
would you call the police
you know what if
she was like oh
right there it hurts oh that’s good that’s good and she
like you were giving her what she needed physically
you giving her a physical sensation with your fingers
how’s that different from eating box in a toilet
stall that’s my point
i believe i bet in europe it can fly
and europe you’re
probably they have like special seats in there
if you want to take
a shit sit here if you want to get your dick sucked
sit up here hey
they have a porn
they have a porn
bookstore in a german airport
you see that oh really yeah they sell porn at
airports holy shit
this i forget i
think it was iceland or something
they have like a lesbian
prime minister
and she outlawed
strip bars whoa
yeah that’s interesting how can you outlaw that
how can mean that seems like that’s like communist shit
you can’t tell because there have been
women look a lot of
women that get into stripping
yes a lot of
them have been molested but there have been
women that they just needed
money and this was a way to make a
ton of money
and it put them they actually put themselves through
school i mean it’s the big cliche
right you know like who had a
mike young had
a joke about how
you ever notice that all
strippers are
going to college
like some year one day
it’s like this
gonna be a whole
graduating class of
genius strippers
it was really funny
pussycat johnson yeah exactly
yeah that’s the joke
i mean but they
should have that option if you want to
stick your asshole in some guy’s face and you
know and make
a thousand bucks a night
he should be allowed to because
is that less humiliating than working at denny’s
for 100 bucks a
night i don’t
think it is
oh by the way i
think if you want to work fucking if you’re a hot
chick and you got a nice body and you want to work five
hours and you want to
stick your but
you’re cool with somebody
like a pussy wow
i always want to be financial consultant to the
strippers because they have so much
money and they do nothing with it
if you’re like let me invest for you silly
silly you’re not a good investor
fuck you talking well i didn’t you
be rich yourself
nonsense he’s talking
trying to control some strippers
money this is called pimpin
son i’ve been
there done that i know what you’re doing yeah
but dude it’s like
they don’t even have cars half
these girls why not
invest in the
stock market
try to make some
money cause the
stock market’s unpredictable they
should save some money
well that’s what they
should do put squirrel some away
the problem is
when all of a
sudden you’re making 1 000
bucks a night and
you’re doing a job that sucks
if you don’t
wanna be there all the time
you start spending
money just to kind of placate yourself
a lot of people that have
their boyfriend
spends it on xbox or some
shit like that that’s true too they support men too
that’s the other the
weirdest relationship with
strippers is a lot of them have like
super loser boyfriends that just cannot get jobs
you know and that’s why
these guys are willing to accept that
their girl will
climb on guys laps
every night and and and
stick their
tits and guys
not into it man most of them are they’re just weak men
and this girl needs a man and needs a man to like
be serious with her and live with her and and still
allow her to work this job
and most guys are not
gonna be down with that but
losers guys who have like shitty
jobs or guys are just really lazy
and they don’t have
a problem with a girl taking care of them
they got no
problem with that so they’re like you know go
ahead go ahead you
don’t think
there’s some guys are just into that like yeah
their whole
cock holding
thing and all that
cock holding yeah
there’s a few
that are into that but most of them are just losers
most of that’s
why you know they beat the girl up eventually
or get mad at her or something
are you you’re not even a fucking man you have a job
you fucking whore
you know there’s always always something
you know it’s
i still want to be
their investor
aim aim high yeah
go for those strippers
thousand dollars a month invest
that shit it’s a good
that’s a good move
i think i like the way
strippers think just make a shit little money and just
spend it on drugs and drinking and shoes you like that
is that what you would do if you were a stripper
probably yeah you wouldn’t be
starting your own business
i wouldn’t be thinking of that
i’m fucking working nice owning a gas station
i wanna have
sleeping in
strippers have to sleep in you know they’re out till
5 a m every night yeah it’s a
lot of work i think the best part of
the economy being bad is hot
chicks working at denny’s
now have you noticed that really yeah i was in phoenix
and i went to his denny’s and
these chicks were hot really yeah
wow i guess you got to take what you got to take i
think it’s awesome
hot chicks and bad situations brother i love that
yeah i do like when you look like
shit when i
oh yeah when they’re driving like shitty
cars you like that
or riding the bus las you
drive by you see like some hot chicken
getting ready for the bus you’re like how easy
could it be
to be the knight in shining armor you
you know what i’m saying i got
wheels you think
so where you
gotta go yeah dude
i love bad situations
hot chicks and bad situations are my favorite shit
there’s more than
happening now than ever before that’s for fuck sure
especially in
la where they
just move there
it’s like yeah what happens when you’re a
chick and you got a
sugar daddy and then your
sugar daddy goes bankrupt
oh that’s good
imagine that shit man then also you
gotta get a job
oh fuck i’ve
been fucking
this fat cocksucker for five years that’s my job
you know she’s like i
gotta join the workforce now
or when they did you know you get
married then they
after a couple
months to get divorced
just to get that cash do you
think that it’s you know how many
girls take that path that you do you described earlier
about that your comedian friend that all
sudden she’s driving a nice car see i don’t
how many girls do that i
think there’s a lot
and i don’t see it as the
i don’t think necessarily
being attracted to a guy
because he has wealth is necessarily a bad thing well
it is a feature
you know it’s like
you have a big
dick the big dick is
gonna be nice to me
you know i like that big dick
cause he does he have
a strong body
strong body can protect me
is he handsome yeah i’ll find him attractive
these are all rewards
what about the money he’s
broke fuck this
broke ass bitch
yeah well that makes
sense that kanye
west song yeah
all right saying she’s a gold digger
look that’s
just the way it is man it’s like
it’s a part of nature you
know someone providing is an
attractive feature
it’s all well
and good if you work hard you’re an honest man
but if you’re
still making five
bucks an hour you
might be retarded and
i need you might
be a retard
i don’t need you raising my kids on 20
bucks a week okay i need to find more
money you fuck
that’s what they’re
supposed to do yeah there’s a game
going on you’re playing the game the game’s called
capitalism and you don’t have any chips
right you got no
chips you’re out there you’re
humping just like everybody else i know you’re being
noble and all that shit but
we got to come to a realization that this
world runs on certain principles i
gotta get that paper
my baby needs resources i
gotta get that paper
yeah babies
need resources man you can’t be running around with
babies with some
broke ass motherfucker that’s a pain in the ass man
one hundred percent
as we make this trek into this new
stage of existence
where fucking
robots are gonna be doing
everything retards are doing now
that’s gonna be very strange it’s
gonna be just like iraq war
when the soldiers come home
and they’re like now what
that’s what’s
gonna happen
all these retards are
gonna get kicked out of you know any
mindless job is all
gonna be eventually done by
robots yeah
what do they do what do they do man
robots don’t have to
sleep they can work 24
hours a day and
once they can handle delicate measures and do things
and once it’s economically feasible
which eventually it must be it’s like
everything becomes
cheaper and faster and easier as time goes on
so eventually there’s
gonna be some sort of
robots that can do
virtually everything that people do
when you charge people
where people get paid
7 an hour any fast food jobs
all that shit’s
gonna be handled by robots
yeah i fucked
some people
can’t be doctors
or lawyers they don’t have that meant they’re not
built like that
they’re more hands on you know they’re meant to be like
working you know
building cars
or whatever you know they’re more like well that’s all
good shit too i mean that’s not that’s not a mindless
thing that’s no i’m not saying it’s
i’m saying but i mean
where are they
gonna work dumb
labor job yeah
yeah i wasn’t
the people that are
someone’s like into making cars and
craftsman stuff or
thing they could find
other things
like people are always get
the robots are
building all
because where the jobs cars are art
you know like a car like a hot
rod or something that someone fabricates
a car let me just
say i wasn’t saying
that they that was a mindless job i’m saying like
these people aren’t
built to because i
mean i know what you’re saying okay eventually
robots are gonna take over
those parts so
where do they go because they can’t become
they’re wheelhouses i
guess you know what i’m saying they
just have to figure out something else you know i mean
if you don’t have if
their job doesn’t
exist anymore the universe is not
sweating that all
right you got to deal with that shit
right and if you’re
smart enough to get to that point
where you’re good at one
thing you’re
gonna have to figure out
how to you know use what
skills you have
to get better at something else
because obviously that part doesn’t
exist in society anymore
you’re just
gonna have to face up to that
adapt or die it’s really that simple
we can’t nerf the
world for people that can’t
catch up nerf the
world there’s
gonna be some spots
where it’s rocky there’s
gonna be some spots
where people had banked on something being
successful forever
and then it’s not
what are we
gonna do we’re
gonna keep it
alive you know just for the sake of
these folks no
these folks have to fucking
they have to
figure out what’s next for them because this
thing is gonna die off and then a new
thing’s gonna come around
right i totally
agree with that the problem is
would you ever wonder or worry
that there’s
gonna get to a
point where there’s
all these people out there with no place
yeah that’s what i’m
saying like we’re you know it’s like we keep talking
about creating jobs
i mean like they’re all fucking and they’re all making
babies look at red box
blockbuster
video there’s no need to have
blockbuster
videos anymore you just
throw up a machine at
every corner now and that just takes out the
whole entire
store and all
those employees
yeah you know it’s crazy
yeah well there’s that yeah
yeah they figured out how to cut the middleman
right the fuck out of the picture
right these
dvds are so
easy to burn you know it’s so easy to make dvds
so when he fucking
steals one you can replace it so it’s not hard
you could do one on your own home computer
how ridiculous is that
where they got
them dvd on your home computer
yeah where do they go that’s my
whole point well
where is society gonna go
because we keep inventing crazier and crazier
things it’s so
funny if you go back and look at like the
pioneer days
when they cross the i was
watching the show the one that i was talking
about earlier the wild within
the hunting show
well i was watching that and he
tried to do what
lewis and clark did
they were like they made like boats out of like
buffalo skin and
sticks and shit it was like craziness like they
tipped over in the
water it was ridiculous
and i was thinking
about it like
them living back there like that was just accepted
you were happy you had a gun
and you would
link back to remember the old days when
folks had to kill
things with spears
you thought they were
idiots right
well how are people
gonna be looking at us
just in a few years just in
20 years yeah when i see a new baby i
think man this kid’s
gonna be around for like a hundred years
imagine what’s gonna be
going on in a hundred years from now dude
just think we were a hundred years ago
what was going on
it’s happening so
quick too it’s like
maybe it’s not even a hundred
maybe it’s like five or ten
whatever the fuck it is like
every year our
knowledge doubles or something like it’s like some
crazy number was just it’s
going so fast
and japan’s even farther
ahead than us there’s an awesome
quote and i can’t remember what the fuck it was
but it was about
gigabytes it was
about how many gigabytes
from i think it was like
everything that
human the entire stored
results of all
human writing and knowledge and
everything that’s ever been written by people up
until like i
think it was like
nineteen ninety
six or something like that was like the date that they
calculated this
was only like
a certain amount
of gigabytes like ever like a very very
small really yeah very
small around
but from then to now
we generate that
every two days
wow yeah holy cow
crazy yeah yeah
it’s insane and
forgive me if
i don’t exactly have the numbers correct it
might have been
2001 it might not have been 1996
this is all pulled off the top of my head
but they were talking
about how insane just the output of text
and information in ones and
zeros and just writing that people do now with blogs
and newspapers and news sites and this and that isn’t
everything you read all day and
photos and twitter and facebook and constantly
you’re constantly
putting out
gigabytes and gigabytes and gigabytes of information
isn’t the internet that
is there any possibility it fills up
or you could just
expand it that just expanded
what is this new internet they keep talking about
well internet
yeah i think
right now it’s just from
for it’s either
just for educational purposes
or just military purposes
internet is just
wait just faster
pretty much that’s all it is it’s not well
we shouldn’t really be talking
about it we don’t really
understand it i don’t even know
what hold out
let intern i’m pretty sure
what internet to is just
using a different form of
it’s faster
faster but will we so we’ll
never fill up internet one
where it’s like there’s no more no more websites
yeah i think it’s not
gonna change i think it’s
gonna be the same internet just different speeds
the foremost us advanced network consortium
that’s what they’re calling is everybody
still mad at me
about the n word i
guess it’s a education
thing it says
led by the research and education community
since 1996 internet to promotes the missions
of its members
by providing both leading edge network capabilities and
unique partnership opportunities together facilitate
development deployment use
or revolutionary internet technologies you just said a
whole lot of nothing there dude
okay you know what you said you said this is some
elite shit that regular people can’t get yeah
that’s what i’m
thinking when the zombie
apocalypse happens it’s coming
these fiber optics will be
underground and we’ll
still be able to communicate with each
other but your aol
account will be dead
yeah that’s why i’m taking samurai
classes really
you haven’t
taken i just
started your
but you you’ve become one of your own jokes now
yeah cause you said
always look out for a dude who has a sword
yeah that dude
shame i i am shady
i like shady shit my friends are shady so where you
where you taking
these samurai classes at
uh it’s in um
century city
it’s an all like
yeah century city it’s the what do you do
well i just
started i’ve only
taken a couple
classes so we learn us
striking and then i’m
about to take my first
sword class
i’m very excited
so you learn
striking weapons jammer
is she weaponry
so you learn
striking like karate
like punching and kicking
yeah yeah so what
what made you
wanna be a samurai
um something to do
just a dream
just a dream
yeah i just
taken acting
classes and they make me miserable
great teachers
but i was just miserable so i’m like why do i want to
do that i want to do something i’ve always wanted to do
wow and take samurai
class so you were taking acting
classes you didn’t like it you decided to take
samurai classes
dude that’s
funny man like
how does your manager feel about this
i don’t know who knows
i don’t care anymore i’m so over i just want to like
have fun you know are you
are you over it
yeah i’m just kind of i just i
enjoy and i love doing what i
doing i’m happy with who i am as and now i just
wanna learn how to fucking
wield a sword
that’s what i want
no you know it’s when you come to a certain
point in your life
where you like
you realize you’re making a good living doing what you
wanna do like you is
stand up comedian
you headline all over the country now i’m
blessed you have
you have checks coming in
yeah and once
you get that freedom you like i can keep doing this man
i can keep doing this you can’t stop me from being
funny and then you go i just
wanna be myself
one day i just said no more bad gigs
i’m not doing gigs i don’t
wanna do i’m just like you know
i stopped the day job
cause i hated being at the day job
i started doing comedy because i wanted that freedom
and that’s kind of like what i’m doing now so i’m just
rocking indian casinos just you know i’m saying live
your life and have some fun why not that is really been
what it’s all
about in the end
what you have
down is your accomplishments this is all nonsense
like how did you affect people
that you came in contact with
how much fun
did you have did you have a good time did you
spread a positive
overwhelmingly positive or overwhelmingly negative
message dispersion of energy
while you’re here yeah i mean like
the dude two hour set was so much fun just to have it
and see what was working there and what didn’t work and
you know i was getting applause breaks on
stuff like if i
like political material that you totally wouldn’t
think like an indy
casino in oklahoma well that’s what i was talking about
with the internet it’s like people have access in
these places in
these rural communities now to
virtually everything that you have
when i was living in
colorado man i didn’t feel
disconnected when i was in a town of
a few hundred people on the top of a mountain yeah it
definitely keeps everybody
closed different man
it’s a different
world we live in
oh yeah you know what else i really
thinks helped comedy too
south park and i
think that’s because
people are used to just fucked up yeah
you know i was doing the show the
other day and it’s like oh they’re really
young and they tend to be more i always thought
they were fun to do
kind of dirty jokes for but more risque
stuff they sometimes cringed
right and i was doing it and they were just
going with them like wow that’s so
crazy and i was talking to them they’re like
these kids all grew up on
south park you know they all
they all just know like
they get this
weird sense of
humor that’s not necessarily
like your way
better than garbage pail kids and shit that you know
we grew up 100
when i used to do colleges back when i was
young when i
lived in new york i did a
bunch of them there was one
point where i did a
whole string
where i would do colleges for months and
months at a time because it was really really good
money way more
money than i
could ever make doing in clubs
but i would go in
front of these kids and they
would talk about sex
and there were so many virgins in the audience
there were so many people that
would look back and forth at each
other and they
didn’t have a fucking clue as to what i was talking
about and i
would say i
would say it like it took me a couple of shows where
until eventually i went how many of you guys have
never had sex before
just kind of
just give me a little clap
under the table
and they started laughing
like it was so what they were
thinking of like it killed oh
yeah just me saying that
how many guys have
never had sex before
they were like ah he knows
like wow you are
like children now they’re doing meth and fucking each
other in bathrooms and
watching porn
these kids have all
grown up watching like ass to
mouth porn oh here’s
the thing so
funny i know like virgins
who have lost
their virginity
later in life
and the girls
were like i couldn’t believe he’s actually good in bed
i like that
would be train right well
these guys have been
watching game
film for like the last ten years it’s like
if you had to
watch ten years
of footage of football
you would know
the play yeah and you just got that one time on days
like he actually knew the play knew where to
throw it when he was open
it’s the same
thing man that’s probably like how a lot of guys
watch the ufc and
think they know how to
choke somebody
i know how to do it bro you
gotta get your hooks in
well it should be easier though in a
weird way to like explain oh this is the
blah blah contract like oh
so i know what that looks like so it’s
probably a little easier than when there was nothing
right well if you were in a
fight with somebody and you had no martial arts
experience whatsoever but you were a huge ufc fan
and all of a
sudden in a scramble you
wound up on top of this guy be like okay i’m in the
mount now what i do
wanna drop i
gotta drop some bombs yes
and you hear your
voice oh no he’s
dropping bombs he’s
definitely hurt
there’s a dude that we were hanging out with in
front of the improv one
night and he
came to one of the shows and he said he got beat up by
these dudes
and while he was getting beat up
one guy was doing me was doing
impression of me
while the other guy was hitting him
and he said he was getting his ass kicked and
while he was getting
his ass kicked he thought it was fucking hilarious
he was laughing
and i’m like i’m
sorry that happened to you dude that sucks
yeah dude that’s crazy
he had a great
sense of humor
about it yeah
made a video
about it didn’t we in
front of improv yeah
he’s on youtube somewhere yeah
dude that is
great personality
did you tell
a dude’s personality but how he takes an ass kicking
yeah some guys
the story yeah
like what what made him get his asking
did he tell you that
because he seems like a nice
guy i think some guys just jumped him
i think some douchebag he
was why wouldn’t he flip the
store he was also
stand up comic to
yes he was a
stand up comic
open mics with him
yeah who is this
just some guy that used i
think he works
for lino or something like that he was doing open mics
briefly and then
he just stopped doing it
or he moved
on somewhere else he decided he wanted to be happy yeah
there’s a lot of guys that just can’t take it anymore
the pressure
the pressure of constantly trying to come up with
new material the pressure of performing the pressure of
trying to advance
yeah i sometimes get i like i love writing and i’m
blessed you know that i can
write a lot but sometimes i just get
i love stand up i just hate the business of
stand up don’t you find that the writing is
just a matter of sitting around and doing it though
a lot of it is just
forcing yourself to do it and i talk to myself all day
that’s how i like to
write do you
write on paper
sometimes but mostly it’s just like me
turning bits in the
thing cause i know i’m
gonna go up so i’m just
thinking of different ideas and
where i could fit this and does
it ever drive you fucking crazy
when you have an idea in your
head and someone just won’t stop talking to you and you
wanna run away
and you’re like hold on a
second hold a
second no no no but this guy was like
don’t talk right now
like you have the
slipperiest of grips
on this brilliant fuckin bit and that’s
the cra you
feel like such an
yeah right it’s
terrible but you feel like an anti social douchebag for
going shut up stop stop stop
but meanwhile
they’re like
stomping over your beautiful
collection like
you’ve got some beautiful
painting that you’re making but it’s invisible
and they’re running in with shit on
their shoes just
stamping all over them oh yeah stop stop
you gotta do that because what happened
i i thought of something
while i was
plugging in
like to an outlet in my bedroom
while i was
plugging something in and
i thought of like this
bit and i was like i
gotta write this down i got
red dead so
i’m running
to the living room my friends like talking to me
my no no no stop stop stop
and they’re like
wouldn’t stop
like be quite i’m like i need to
write some down
and then like i
tried to get like my my whatever my ipad
on and it was trying to type it
and while i was typing it slowly
they kept start talking
again i’m like no
no and i’m like all right
i forget the main part yeah
cause then it just
disappears and
disappears it’s the
worst because
you could be
you have like this
slippery grip on the most
brilliant idea you’re like fuck yes this is awesome
and for whatever reason
you barely have it
the matter your your
your hold on
creativity and like imagination
it so requires like a certain
frequency in your brain
it so requires like a certain
focus and when someone comes in hey
right bang bang
bang clanging
pants together
come on let’s go outside and
drink all of a
sudden it’s gone
it’s like i never
think about
just saying it out loud either like
i never go okay
yeah the moon
is a pie moon is a pie moon is a lot you know
maybe that would it be
it shut up shut up shut up moon is a pie moon is a pie
maybe if you said it
maybe it would work
yeah maybe they
would get some more
i text myself
i do that all the time i do that
dude i do that
all the time well i just use the notepad
feature in the iphone the oh notepad features awesome
i have a i have a droid
get rid of that
piece of shit man
i’m waiting i’m waiting
i know that the iphone’s not
gonna be as good
i know that
it’s funny fight story
funny fight
story on my channel pull
that shit up um
yeah have you ever done a bit
and you were
about to give it up and all of a
sudden it catches
fire for some
reason yeah
i do this bit
about crimes of awesomeness
and i started it when i was in australia
and it just was eating it but i’m like that’s so funny
and i got back to the
states and i remember i’m like i’m just
gonna try it
cause it ate dog’s dick in
fucking australia
and i went there and i did on
state and the
place just goes
and i’m like
i knew that was
funny it was so interesting
so was it the
australians didn’t
think it was funny yeah
i so it’s just
their sense of humor just
maybe it was just word play that they didn’t understand
maybe right
i call it homeless shelter but
you know maybe they didn’t know what
that was and they call it something else over there
right but i
i i didn’t care enough
about to ask anybody at that
point hey what do you guys call oh we call it a
homeless loft or
some shit like
that you know i’m saying so
maybe if i tweeted
in that way hmm
we could just be the sense of
humor too it’s so
funny how people in
other countries just have
completely different i love him
like england
like you ever
watch like english
stand up yeah
and they’re
laughing at shit and you like i don’t
understand what
they’re saying i don’t get this oh i love the british
house of commons that’s good
comedy dude
that what is that
you ever watched that no
the british
house of commons like it’s basically
it’s congress me to your mama’s competition
what is it a show
no it’s their parliament
the real the real part
oh yeah dude it is the best man
watch a guy gets up there and he’ll give a
speech and people
start heckling the shit out of him really
yeah well they were
gonna send george bush
but they’re like no he can’t go in because they were
gonna it’s like trying to do the apollo
you know really yeah like a
white people’s apollo
so awesome dude
dude i love
watching it and like they get
snarky back and they kill hecklers it’s so much fun
where do you
watch this on a c span
whoa yeah not worth it
i don’t know man it
sounds pretty fascinating i love this
dude i love
almost everything british too dude do
you people are
it’s fun it’s a fun
place to party
england’s awesome i always love performing in england
people are cool as fuck you
wanna hear this
video yeah play that
video real quick this is the kid who’s talking
about getting his ass kicked
okay i was living in chicago
and i was walking to work one morning and
these two kids out of nowhere just push me up
against a fence
and they’re like you’re not
going anywhere you’re not
going anywhere i’m like i have to go to fucking work
right the kid fucking hits me
right in the jaw
it was swollen like shit
and the kid goes
he’s rocked he’s rocked
and i watched
fucking this guy doing commentary and i’m like i know
where that came from
and that was my
first thought instead of oh my god i’m in
trouble my first thought is this guy’s
quote and joe rogan
that man that is hilarious i’m fucking like all
swollen up and shit sitting there at the doctor
and my girl
what happened
so you emailed me bagua it made my day honestly
like is the only positive thing from that
story but it made my day that is hilarious
oh that’s what it is he emailed me the
story that i emailed the back to show hilarious story
you’re the you’re in the vernacular
brother that’s ridiculous
rocked is in
every now i try
i’m so conscious of not saying it now because
sometimes it just comes out
you know but
sometimes i say man i shouldn’t say that shit so
often because people there’s like actual
drinking game i say it so much this is a
drinking game
where when when
someone when i say rock dudes do shots
you know that’s right
sometimes they’ll get the fucked up
it’s a big car
you know like a
frankie edgar
fight alone
could give you alcohol poisoning dude
have you ever been told like hey if you say
you’ve been dude
or mountain dude you’d get ten thousand dollars or like
started switching up your
your commentary
terry with some sponsors
oh you mean no you can’t
i’m not i think
they do that
do they do that like oh yeah
like certainly
you snapped and do a slim jim well there’s certain
things that they have
for the show
like you know this this
this clock is
sponsored by call of duty or something like that
yeah but you can’t just fuckin
in the middle of your
commentary he’s been
captain crunched
it’s funny cause i just said fuckin
right there
and i caught myself as i said
ooh i swore
okay i’m not doing
commentary i’m just talking on the podcast like just
thinking about commentary
cause i have a very
clear commentary
state of mind
cause it’s very difficult for me to
talk for five
hours and not swear
you know that’s the hardest part about it
cause when someone gets in i
wanna go oh shit you know
it’s like natural
so i have to
like constantly be zen
and make sure that
i so like just then
really just saying fucking
there was a part of me that went oops
cause it’s like
commentary state of mind right
well it’s tricky
sometimes i get book
place with a like
cause i need the cash they’ll be like you can’t
swear and i don’t know why but when i’m told that
i can do it
but my natural
thing is f bombs and all this
stuff that i
have to say i just like that’s who i am
but for some
reason like when i go and like they say to do
stand up on
television i
was watching
brett ernst last
night hit a really good send lopez
i’ll see the part
where the okay there we
go oh you’re so much louder he had a really good part
he did really well on
lopez last night who
did this brett
ernst yeah and
he dropped they beat them on something i
think he said shit i’m not sure if you
could say that but they beat them on that
tbs is a cable station
right is it fcc
regulated i don’t see that’s the
whole weird i
think it’s not so much
about regulation but it’s more
about not pissing off
sponsors right
right you know so he got a beep on that and
i was like oh i wonder if they’re letting him do that
but when i’m told i can’t
swear for some reason
it’s easy for me
right like you just go into that mode
yeah the clean mode
and you know
there’s a box that you’re operating in we’re just
gonna operate in the
clean mode box
when you’re doing
stand up does this ever happen to you
where you’re talking and you’re
thinking it’s almost like
it’s almost two different
things do you know what i’m
saying we’re like doing a bit but i’m
going okay what am i doing here and
you’re like okay
where’s this
going what’s
going on over here
you know it’s like
right it’s not autopilot but it’s just an interesting
thing where you’re like
literally like like
multitasking
that’s why it’s the most annoying
thing when there’s a whole
table full of people talking really loud
while you’re doing a bit because
while you’re in the groove
instead of just thinking
about here’s the bit i’m doing and this is what i’m
gonna do next
it’s the bit i’m doing is what i’m
gonna do next and what the fuck is
going on over here
and so all this
annoyance and
this bad crowd these bad
people or audience members that are
not following by the audience
member comedian
relationship
they’re just
ignoring it they’re
just being douchebags and when you call that’s the
worst when you call them on it
like what did we do and we didn’t do anything
we didn’t do anything wrong
yeah after you kill them that’s
like when you’re in
a heckler war okay
and we’ll go
back and forth but once i own you and it’s done
it’s time to go it’s like
that’s the only time i really get mad it’s like
you’ve lost
you know it you got served tagline then or
something yes sir
i you know i’m just the
worst to me is when someone
needs to be
kicked out and they don’t get kicked out and then the
people want to keep them there like the clubs trying to
keep them there and you got to go look man this is not
gonna you got a
table for a
drunk people yelling shit that’s your story
yeah a chick
bouncer well
she bounced this another chick
bounced another
chick what did i
no i’ve never
told you this okay
so anyways i’m
and if i told you you can stop me
maybe you did and i don’t remember i was doing
i go to the comedy
store i pull in and i’m next brody stevens is on stage
and he’s got this
crazy drunk
australian girl on there
and i could tell it’s not
going good no one’s
laughing and it’s just
weird energy in a room and i walk in he sees me he goes
sam do you want me to
leave her on
stage i like no get her off the place goes
crazy so automatically
right there i noticed she’s
the crowd doesn’t like this girl right so
anyways brody kicks her off
he brings me on
stage and we have just had this
weird kind of exchange and it’s like
we’re having fun with each
other but we’re kind of zinging each
other you and
brody yeah right
so he’s walking out we’re zinging each other
she just this
drunk girl comes off this
drunk australian girl comes up and just
starts screaming at me get off stage
you’re not funny
and i’m like and i’m just saying
i’m killing her now she’s walked all the way to the
front of the
or she’s in the front row
pointing at me
standing up you’re not
funny get the and then she’s now she’s getting
nasty cause i’m just killing her in the
place is going nuts kill kill kill
fuck it she says fuck you
you’re not funny
and then i’m like okay
where are the
bouncers at this moment okay
right it’s because they they have like
like um like
emos over there
working you know girl
guys who look like they’re in like
death caps or
cutie bands you know what i’m saying
like playing keyboards and shit
and i’m like
where are nothing nothing nothing
she’s screaming at me all of a
sudden out of nowhere this like
five foot six
italian girl walks up
and i think she’s
with her because she walks up to the girl grabs her
look spins around
smacks her on the ass
spins her back around
picks her up
carries her out fireman
style holy shit holy shit
i’m like what is going on
brings her outside
basically gets in her face goes don’t go
back inside bitch
walks back up and i’m like
holy shit and she didn’t know her
i’m like did you know her she goes no she’s fucking
annoying i’m like
did you just regulate holy shit
that’s the craziest
shit i’ve ever seen wish you had that on
video man it is
literally the boy the best heckles
stories ever it is it takes too much time to get the
video there
should be a special button
on your phone
where you have to
press it’s really hard to
press but the
video camera instantly comes on
you know so it’s a one
press button
just a fucked up situation button you can do that i
think i think you
program the
home button to
launch an application can’t you
ken yeah how
could you do that
you are so light years
ahead of me dude i have no clue about
that that’s
ridiculous because if your
phone’s on standby
and you press it
first of all you have to put in your fucking code for
us no no that takes time well i mean if you had a
code you have to
deactivate your code
right so you’d have to
wander around town hoping that you don’t drop your
phone and people don’t get all your cock
pictures what i mean
i’m just saying
i mean i don’t have any cock
pictures on my
phone nothing
about that nope
nope nope nope
but that would be the shit though if there was some
way you could just
press it and it instantly
immediately
starts videotaping shit
you know light on go
yeah i’m totally
go i’m like
where’s my camera
why didn’t i have that moment how long ago was this
i’d say about a year ago so you
could have had that on your phone
yeah motherfucker that
would be funny
i should record all my sets
cause i have in
touch with that crazy
bitch i bet she’s just doing that to girls all the time
any girl does that
smack on the
ass was the best part it was like i own you
smack i own you
i own you smack from a chick
did you get turned on at all
yeah i find that
stuff hot i find
chicks who kick ass
crazy bitches
like that there’s something
about you wanting them to
give in to you and accept your cock yeah
yeah i’m telling you
that’s why i love really smart
chicks it’s just fun to like make them say like really
crazy weird degrading shit
oh yeah smart
chicks are the problem with
smart chicks are though
they’re smart
and you can’t get away with
everything that you can with dumb
chicks and you have to you know they all
get in arguments and shit
all the investigation though
the government wishes they had the
rights that
women had where they
could just go through all your
emails and all that shit
there’s a woman that
was dating this guy and it was another one it was a hot
woman that was dating a guy was an ugly dude and she
she wasn’t she was even open
about it she was telling people
at the supermarket
i heard her telling people
about about
how she had been
planning it
things in the
supermarket
might be disinformation
anyway she’d
planned it like
months in advance
and she was
going through
all of his finances to make sure that he wasn’t hiding
things and oh my
god that’s the thing that
drives you crazy
yeah like every
nickel this guy made down to a science
is trying to
plot out how much he can get
it was terrible
women do that man they’ll also lap
relationships they seem once
going down they already
have one to go on
somebody said i don’t remember who the fuck it was it
might have been
patrice o’neal
but it’s really funny
i don’t remember who it was
might have been me
i don’t even know
but anyway that
chicks when they’re swinging
you know they’ll
still like monkeys
they want to make sure there’s another branch there
to catch it
they don’t know they don’t they don’t
they don’t want to be
walking out in the
plains by themselves they don’t like to have
they don’t like to have downtime
to get to know themselves
the next thing
that way you
gotta take care of yourself and buy your own meals
especially girls who get into that situation
you get into a situation
where you’re dating someone who’s got some cash
you ever been in
a situation
where there’s a girl who
just got done dating a guy with cash and you’re
broke and you’re like what the fuck
yeah that sucks the
worst you feel so like dehumanized
yeah well mike and i used to go on vacations
and i know you can’t afford that so it’s no big deal oh
they’re just
just you just keep
in the bed warm
fucking vacations that’s
mother fuckers mike
what they used to take you on vacation
no no like always wanting to go on vacations non
stop that’s yeah because that’s girls
want to be pampered they want to go let’s go to the spa
and then that
they love visuals of new
places like oh oh look at this
place it’s also
that they want to go on vacation because it represents
opulence it represents they’re being
taken care of you know
here we are we’re on a vacation
yay you took me on vacation it’s all
primal man you took
me on vacation
it’s all that that’s
evolutionary
psychology man it is all primal shit you can’t hate
chicks for wanting that
anymore than they can hate you
for wanting a nice juicy ass
that new juicy ass every once in a
while oh sam tripoli you opened up that box
sorry about that it’s hard to keep it together
isn’t it i’m trying my best it’s so hard i love it
monkey d dna
wants to spread
oh oh oh oh oh
i think that’s it that’s the end of this fucking show
yeah when you
start doing animal
sounds it’s time to end the show
brian’s animal
sound will be the
final straw
thank you to the flashlight
okay dude thank you to the
flashlight for sponsoring us go to joerogane net
click the link
and you get
15 off just type in the word rogan
this weekend
ari shafir and i will be at the west palm
beach improv that is the 28th 29th and the 30th
come on down bitches it’s gonna be a party
very excited about getting back there also next week
next weekend
friday february 4th
at the mandalay bay theater
it’s the big fat fucked up show with me
joey diaz and ari
shafir at the big ass lion king theater
and it’s gonna be fun as shit we’re
fired up about that one
sam tripoli what’s going on with you man
where can people
catch you naughty show tomorrow
night at the melrose improv
are tickets
still available yeah tomorrow night naughty show improv
and you can
check out my youtube page man that’s why i’m pushing
right now to youtube the naughty
show comedy pages that’s it how they find it
just you put in youtube naughty show comedy naughty
show comedy page and if you don’t have tickets
yeah if you don’t have tickets to tomorrow
night you want to go you got to get
them now because the fucker will sell out it sells out
every single time and the fucking show is hilarious
and like i said it’s not just a comedy show
it’s a comedy
show and they have
videos and they have games they play with
the audience and it’s all like fast and it keeps moving
and all the comics are
80d theater but it’s
total 80d theater
it’s fun it’s a fun show the naughty shows are
solid show support man like i said it really
should be like one of
those casinos in
vegas it would be a great show
like if someone picked it up and put it on you
wanna go for the hard rock
you know that’s
where they had beecher’s madhouse too
which is very sort of beecher’s out here now
is he out here now yeah he’s at the roosevelt
well that thing that he had
in the hard rock was really
successful they
would sell that out all the time
he’s a great
but it was more of a nightmare for
comics like
comics would do that it was
considered the
greatest war gig ever yeah
it was like you
would go to battle with a
bunch of psychos just
watching you’d walk into
sound it was a wall of
sound you could feel the
sound on your skin it was so loud
and you would just
throw punchlines
into the darkness
and you just all you didn’t want to get boot and
i remember i had to file
paris hilton one time there
did i ever tell you this
story no we’ll end
on this we’ll end on this
i had to follow
paris hilton they’re like we got surprise
guests and she just has to go up real quick and
i’m like her she’s like yeah it’s
paris hilton
i’m like oh
no and then
dude she’s going up there so you knew what was
gonna happen
she’s they’re
going nuts for her nuts and i’m like
nuts good or bad
great like lover they love her
like you know like
royalty nelson mandela
entering like the world cup
arena you like
so these are all
knuckleheads from idaho that are on vacation
loving her and they
can’t believe they’re seeing royalty
and it just goes and then they’re like okay
thank you now
and barely even says it’s comedian sam tripoli
and i walk out
and dude i start
throwing all of a
sudden boo boo
boo i start hearing a couple now i’m like
bruce lee in the
movie when he
tastes his own
blood and his
crazy eyes happens you know
and i just locked
down dude and i turn the booze because i
the key to that room was getting
the girls on your side once you got them on your side
you could start killing
so start out booing at the end i got a standing o
everybody there was like i’ve
never seen that before
you turned them around
i turned them around i just stayed in the pocket son
you know that’s comedy
store for you dude that’s the thing
about the comedy
store you’re so used to taking care of your own
crowd because there’s no
you get in the improv when someone yells there’s
a big guy who comes over and puts his hands on a guy’s
shoulder and goes bro you
gotta shut the fuck up or leave
it’s really simple
yeah and they stop it and it keeps a nice friendly show
but the problem with that is you don’t develop
those combat comedy skills
you gotta have
those combat comedy
skills and that’s kung fu
as my over a
decade at the comedy
store man you
learn i had
glasses thrown at me in that
place i’ve never had a
glass thrown
anywhere i’ve had
glasses i’ve had
water bottles thrown at me
people they’re
savages you know and more
disenfranchised people go to that club than any
other club in the country
and like you said emo
bouncers the whole
thing it’s a goddamn nightmare
your bounds shouldn’t have
sweater vest that’s all i got
that’s the the outfit the hipster outfit right yeah
sweater vest
i don’t know how
having bad eyesight is hip now too
maybe that’s me just getting old it’s some
weird creepy
thing like you want to look like
your mom’s dad yeah it’s you know when he was young
whatever bitches
that’s it that’s it for the show this week
um next week
bobby lee is
gonna be on tuesday so
fired up about that and we’re
probably gonna
get a yeah everyone
tweet him so he won’t back down
like non stop
i can’t wait for
a bit flaky
but who isn’t
comics are i mean that’s one of the
things about sam tripley that’s unusual you’re very
funny yet you’re very disciplined
you get on you’re always on time for shit and
some you know
comics you never
sleeps the funny ones are crazy
joe diaz is
crazy you know
bobby lee is
crazy normal
people are entertaining yeah this is
something that we were not perfect we’re fucked up
humans but so next week
bobby lee and hopefully we’re
gonna get joe diaz and ari shafir
in studio because we got a
studio now bitches
that’s what i’m calling it i love it it seems like a
studio it’s nice to be
headquarters
yeah because we’re doing that show
which is next friday
night at mandalay bay
okay we love you bitches
and we’ll see you next week
thanks for tuning in as always
much appreciated much love much good
things positive energy your way
you do not have to be the you that you
were all your life you know how to do it rock it out
do it do it
right bitches do it