The Joe Rogan Experience #76 - Bobby Lee

oh shit

the joe rogan experience

it’s sexy too cause it’s english

yeah who do you know that person no

she’s not even real so robot is

but i just think of her some

dirty bitch in england yeah yeah yeah

with weird teeth dedicated to working for me

crooked feet yeah no no no nice feet

oh god she does she’s hot oh she is

the weird teeth though

i don’t mind a little

space here and there yeah

it makes you work hard

it’s the discoloration i can’t

i’m not down with gray yeah not even

great but you

know how sometimes they have like six different

colors yeah

yeah or like bottle rot

when did you

when did you stop sucking on your binky hooker

ladies gentlemen

bobby lee has joined us

yes finally i mean your army you have an army out there

dude not mine man

they have their own

but speaking of army

before we get started we have to do business we are

sponsored by the flashlight

if you go to flashlight com or if you go to joe rogan

net there’s a link for the flashlight click on it

and enter in the code name rogan you get 15 off

use one of those you got one

the thing is is those beads

have you seen the blue

one the beads the avatar one

no it looks like

it looks like a flashlight right

right and you stick the thing inside it right

the one yeah that one i have that

i have these little beans beads that you turn on you

stick your balls in it

i know you stick your

i know but there’s these beads on mine

that you put in and it vibrates there’s

three beads and goes on the side

if you open that up

you can put beads inside

but the beads only last five minutes

right and i take 10 minutes to do it

oh so the last

five minutes you’re

just holding your breath no i know i have a whole

system in the side i have all

these batteries

well why don’t you just have two

and then you have two

flashlights and so you have one on

standby because

cleaning them is a half an hour thing

half an hour what are you gonna use

toothbrush no no no

no i use hot oil

use hot oil to

clean them no no

no from the

gulf no no i

i microwave

oil for five

seconds and they get it warm you

can’t do it too hot i did it once and i scalded my sock

eyes oh no yeah

yeah but burns

but um yeah you put the oil in it

right yeah and then you put the beads in it

it vibrates

it’s so good

it feels so good

it’s like it’s like making love

to an android and then

which is my fantasy

dream and then

um but that the beads run off

run out of energy

so only five minutes for

these wack ass beads yeah and

brand new you have to put

three of those flat you know

what are you got the

watch batteries a little tiny ones

in a three at

about 30 bucks

pop when you’re doing wow

where do you get

these beats i’ve

never even heard of

these beats

no open that

up open that up i bet you if there’s beat slots

no yeah yes

seriously take

the sure you’re not talking

about a competitor

that’s it see the

kid now go no

you tell me what

the slots are

on mine i have

three slots here

oh you see yours is designed for its

specific it is a flashlight

flashlight but it’s a different one you

stick in there and go

oh maybe you got a vibrator

model or something or vibrate oh yes they

do have the vibrator

models i remember seeing that yeah i have that one

yeah but it’s the

same it looks exactly

it’s a very you know this is a controversial

thing man i do a

whole series of

i do a whole bit

about it on

stage but this really is controversy why

because people

didn’t want me getting sponsored by a fake vagina

why like somehow or another it’s like bad for your

reputation does it really take you 10 minutes to come

yeah because i

now when you

have regular sex is it take you ten minutes

no it takes you longer can i say something

i want to say something to you sure

i’m very i’m being very specific on my porn the

thing is that i need the interview

you okay you know the interview

the interview the interview with the girl so far

so where you from

where you from

i’m from ohio

you know how much

point have you done not that much this is my

second time or first

and i need to

sense a little fear

inner voice

right and then

check it out

you know the

first time when they do

the first timers

when the penis goes in the vagina

i have to look at their eyes

in the eyes they have to question

their decision

that’s how you get

excited yeah you know how like when the

penis goes in

they have to go mom

do you associate that with any past

sexual experience

where you see

the look in the girl’s eye she’s like what the fuck is

bobby lee doing inside me

and then you get excited like

trick them again josie no no no

i think what it is is this i think that my penis

it’s not even an ethnic thing

but my penis is abnormally small

i don’t care about it because you know what i mean i’m

rapid like how small

it’s just small like thumb

like your thumb no yeah

it’s thicker than that

but the thing is is that and girls

they like my bubbly personality i’m like a

dream weaver you know what i mean

and you know what i mean you’re fun

yeah i’m a cute you know i tickle you know what i mean

i giggle fun to be around yeah i giggle

you bring a party yeah yeah

and so then all of a

sudden this party’s fucking your mouth you’re like hey

yeah and when i’m with a girl i look in their eyes and

i’ve never had the sensation of like

them going oh you know what i mean

like it’s too big

right yeah man

i have a friend

of mine who had that same problem and so what he

started doing was getting

he got a strap on

he got this

crazy thing

that covers his dick

and i was like his dick

would go on and then this big fake dick

would go over his dick

and we were talking to him

about it we were like well what’s up like

what are you doing that for

he goes just once i

wanna see a girl like

have a hard time taking it

yeah they can always

take it so easy yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah i’m

never hurting them i never

think of them

so are you really big into anal

no i don’t do that you think you

would be though because that

most girls even with your

small dick would like no

no no no no no because

for me it’s like i want them to have pleasure too

some girls like it

i know a girl

that likes anal whip better than regular sex she

just wants anal all the time yeah yeah i know there are

girls and they’re called broken yeah

those are the ones that also

light your house on fire by the way

but i also imagine

if you do an anal and you don’t have a condom on

that the poop goes into the hole my hole does

and i don’t need that in my life

we talked about a terrible

scene did we talk

about that on the podcast that the

the nani show

thing yeah yeah we did it i

think snakes are actually cool if you’re at a point

when you shut up what’s a poop snake

when you piss

after anal sex as it comes out

no i don’t know i don’t need that in my life you

should try it

he’s just talking about

he’s been silly

he does this all the time you can’t take him you’ve

never had a poop

snake be honest

never i poop

smell though now this is worse

the girls had sex with a long time ago back when i was

twenty one i lost my boner because i was banging her

doggy style i saw poop around her butthole

i realized that she didn’t really wipe that good

and then i started

smelling it because the funk of

the sex and the

sweat yeah yeah yeah and

my wet nappet

you ever do that my butt yeah yeah i wet not my butt

yeah baby yeah yeah

you know and that’s we can’t

flush those that’s respect

right you cannot flush those what

you got it you got to wipe yourself

first and then

you got to get the baby wipes and then you got to

throw the baby wipes away

which is kind of

gross because i got

well if you live in an

apartment go flush away

but if you live in a

house eventually they’re

gonna get clogged up and you’re

gonna have to have a

group of dudes come in your backyard

and find this pipe

stuff full of your shit

rags are you

sure you weren’t

using that for example

with me no bro i’ve used

flushable baby wipes

the flushable

ones they never

break they don’t

that’s the thing they pretend they do they

don’t really they become like goo

they don’t dissolve

like toilet

paper and they

get tied up on

things like if you have

in my area we have issues with

cause we’re kind of rural we have issues with trees

growing into your pipes

you know it’s an issue like

so many trees out here the trees will

grow through like a

crack in the pipe and then

one of them

became like a goddamn tree

i mean i posted

pictures of it on twitter

it’s so ridiculous nobody even fucking believes it

my toilet was clogged

i couldn’t figure out what was

going on with it so i had

these plumbers come out

they pulled a fucking

eight foot tree

out of my toilet oh my god

maybe not eight foot

how big was it at

least five feet yeah like five feet it was

long it was like

it was like your eye

looked like a muppet

it looked like a

muppet like a

swamp thing looked like some sort of an animal

like somebody flushed

some woodrat

but are you

worried that if they open up the pipe there’s

stuff with wet

naps but can’t you just say it’s my children’s

no it’s mine i don’t give

a fucking owner i’m not

gonna the bus

that’s ridiculous

you’re not supposed to be the diaper wipes you

definitely don’t

flush because they’re really thick and

gross i mean not course but

strong that they

would not break up definitely

but flushable baby wipes those bitches don’t

break up either the guy told me now they say they

break up people say because i

pull them out of people’s pipes all the time

so they had to like dig a hole but it was really

the issue more or less was that there was a route

that was blocking part of the area

not as bad as the one that was in

the toilet the one that was in the toilet was fucking

ridiculous i’ll find it and i’ll

repost that shit on twitter because it’s just so silly

it doesn’t even make sense

it’s so silly

it really didn’t look real

like i couldn’t believe it

and that was

after i had

moved to colorado

so i left the

house for a couple

months and nobody was

nobody was flushing

yeah i just wish

like masturbating lasted longer for me

because to me it’s just like

i seriously have to

focus on slowing it down why not just

get it done

what are you trying to do there

fella no that’s with sex and

everything i just with masturbation though

isn’t that like just trying to get it over with

yeah but i like to

enjoy it you

know really i mean it feels good when you’re doing it

right so why not have it go for like ten minutes

yeah well the

other day i was in i wasn’t when i was in new york i

tried to masturbate

you know to the port on the internet i couldn’t finish

right so then like i after

about an hour i finished half hard

and you always feel like a failure

because it’s like it didn’t

my orgasm was like 50

you know what i mean

and i just sat there with like you know my hand

like with this

marshmallow in my hand

you know what i mean just sitting there naked

sweating you know

going i failed at that

i couldn’t finish that off wow

i do feel you

me and bobby were talking about how

when we stay at hotels

we hate when the maid comes

don’t come in my room don’t ever come to my room and

i didn’t tell you that but i did spider man at the last

hotel we were

at and it hit must have hit the lamp because it

started smoking

what are you talking about

where i do spider man in a hotel

where i throw

brian people listening

well we’ve talked

about spider man no worry

no one listens

every i don’t

know what the fuck you’re saying and i’m asking

all these other people in a matter what

hotels i have just i just

and i’m like fuck this i’m in this hotel

and i just like

throw the sperm at the wall like spider man all

right throw it across the room and it

still connects to your

wrist no no it

doesn’t connect to your

wrist and you can

swing through the room no but

no but i just

that’s so disrespectful

because some poor mexican lady has to

clean that’s so i’m so mad

it’s so rude it’s

clear they don’t clean

it but it dries

and then flakes and

you don’t know what it is pretty obvious dude

but you know they

think it’s either mucus

or you mean

or a load low load

yeah i can’t even see

where it goes

and once i hit a

picture frame

and i was like oh i better

clean it out so disrespectful

once you hit a

picture or like a

picture on the wall yeah

you got issues

masturbate and try to

enjoy yourself when i masturbate

it’s for maintenance just get it over with don

and just moving on

so even better a

towel and she’ll

definitely touch the towels

the problem with getting into masturbating is then you

like already had that joke

about having a

bunch of windows

open trying to figure out what to jerk off to

you can get

weird and obsessed you can get kinda

yeah yeah you get a little caught up in it

and there’s some dudes who you

know they get so caught up in porn it becomes like a

legit addiction

where like they’ll have

a conversation with someone and they just can’t wait to

go away to their computer real

quick and just look

at porn videos

i have to do i have to pay for my porn though

really i can’t do grainy it has to be high def

oh really you

have to be able to see the freckles you’re the last guy

the last guy buying porn yeah yeah

i really am i need to talk

about a business that just got gutted i know

i mean that used to be a

multi millionaire business i mean there was

some billion dollar business

right there were so many people in my neighborhood that

were porn producers

maybe driving around ferraris living a good life

and i believe

look at this wild ass

rebel just filming fucking and making a billion dollars

it’s crazy you know it’s kind of a

weird thing you know they

would be like

a curiosity in the community

you know all

these mommies

would look at them that’s the porn guy

that’s where the porn guy lives

porn guy but now

those guys aren’t making shit that’s done

done son see ya if you’re

lucky you can get by now and if you’re

lucky you get charlie sheen

well look at

these hookers

these hookers can’t stop talking

about charlie sheen

they’re doing interviews i

heard someone on

stern this morning

fucking good morning america

interviewed one of the girls that fucked charlie sheen

way to go good morning america you whores

congratulations you are now us

magazine and he

allows you in his

house gives you

free cocaine

of course you get to

watch you know

movies that

haven’t even come out yet on dvd

like you want to

watch true grit

oh that’s out in the theaters i have it yeah

right they’re doing

gonna watch avatar 2 i’ve got a

rough cut yeah

they even made that

thing you know what i mean

and then they disrespect

him by you know

ratting him out of course yeah they’re not as friends

could you imagine if that was your friend

imagine if a dude came over your

house forget

about sex just a dude came over your

house and have

you know hey we all watched

fucking tv at

bobby lee’s

house he got

nutty he takes his parents off runs through them

and also this dude

is on the radio

on monday and he’s telling the

whole story

about what he did hanging out at your

house when you got

crazy but like

who the fuck is this guy yeah

that guy will

never hang out of my

house again

fuck this idiot

can you imagine

how much shit

can you imagine being that little

kid from two and a half men how much tail charlie

throws his way

hey i got this

daughter this girl i hook

kids like 12

and also that kid is he

yeah and he’s old now

and also that kid is so mad probably because the show

could get canceled all

right oh yeah

yeah they could all lose lose

they’re trying

to say all sorts of shit like oh it was appendix berk

he had a hernia

that kids kiss

well they all are it’s the biggest show in

television and

by the way this

is only helping it

helping it people are not gonna stop

charlie sheen

is fucking for whatever reason man

he’s grandfathered in

all right charlie sheen ain’t

going nowhere yeah he

could do coke all day

he could bang hookers he

could threaten his wife with a knife

it doesn’t matter he’s fucking

smiling on camera on

monday i like how the la

at least won’t even do any like investigations through

these alleged cocaine

briefcase charges i was like wait a

second if somebody has

a briefcase of cocaine

maybe you should find out

what the fuck no

no no that was

ohio they would

first of all

first of all

it’s all hearsay

okay you can’t take this hooker’s word for it

okay or porn star or whoever saying

first of all there’s that

and then second of all what are you

gonna do you’re

gonna question him

about whether or not he had cocaine for real and he’s

gonna say no and then he’s gonna say

where’s your evidence

where’s this from

and then the evidence is just some girl talking

about it unless that girl wants to

go in and talk to the government

what does she

know she knows a guy came over with cocaine

you were doing cocaine

so you were doing something illegal too

yeah well sorta

does charlie pay you to fuck

yeah you know that’s prostitution

um can i call my lawyer

and before come on man

t was he has this awesome

article on yesterday where like

charlie sheen’s old friend

or publicist

or something like that used to hang in his life and

get in a lot of

trouble with him

and then he

kind of disappeared for a few years

well lately he’s been hanging out with this guy

again so they

found him the

other day while charlie’s been hanging out yeah

charlie’s been hanging out with this guy

again recently

and so they

found him yesterday like walking on the

street somewhere in

sunset or something

and he had an

enjoy coke shirt on

they’re like huh

interesting oh my god there’s also a testimony

what a great actor charlie sheen is because what

just listen

listen to my theory dude listen to my theory okay

when you act you have to some actors get acting coaches

right they get the script

right they memorize

their lines they have to go to

table reads rehearsals

this dude just shows up

you know what

i mean just

after a two

night bender

right once you’ve been on a sitcom for that long it

becomes very easy

newsradio the last couple

seasons was super easy

newsradio we were working

three days a week

it was so easy

yeah and you know and we

would get like a

script and then we’d

fuck around with it for a couple of days and then we

put it up on friday

a sweatshop

and no one you

guys worked hard and you guys had like

weird guidance man yeah we had nine mexicans

watch those two dudes that were running it man those

guys yeah yeah

yeah yeah odd

tastes oh it was the

weirdest show i’ve

hosted it once

and that’s one

of the times i knew you before that though

right yeah yeah

that’s where i met

brian cowan

and i hosted it once and i remember like

talking to them

about my like they wanted me to do a monologue

and i was just like

you know so i’m like alright i’ll talk

about this and i’ll talk

about that and like

you know all

right but it was

just it was real awkward i was like how the fuck did

these guys get to be running some sort of a

sketch show

it was the weirdest

sketch show ever

not only that it’s like

no one there was no like

people could just walk in

you know i don’t wear tv show what

do you mean

i just had people

walk and go

in my hallway

where my dressing room was

hey man what’s up

who are you

i’m watching the show

how are you back here

how did they

get back there i don’t know there was like no security

i don’t know i’ve

never met one

i never met a security

guard no security no it was on highland and

santa monica you know that one did

sort of seem like a factory

yeah it was

weird weird yeah didn’t

seem like a regular show yeah

and then we

would have big

storm sometimes like

jackie chan did it once like what are you doing here

you’re legitimate

you’re an international superstar

it went on forever too yeah and i

behaved like a fucking ass

asshole toward the end

i pooped in

i pooped in lauren dobrowski’s

office floor

floor yeah cause i’m so mad at her

why are you

mad at her because she just they deceive you

really lauren

dobrowski did no she passed away you

know i know i know i knew her from back in boston when

she was on a comedy team

she saved my life

really yeah

yeah i love lauren

and there’s shit on her

floor cause you love her no but as a

it was as a joke and there were two

actors writing in there

mike and nicole parker were writing

and i go stick this

tom’s in your asshole

just for jones

the toms okay so i

stuck it in my butthole and then my butthole

started foaming

and then they both

started laughing like really loud

and then i shocked the toms out of my butthole

and then a piece of poop came up

after that right

and it was a huge

laugh and then lauren

poor lauren

you know walks in and she sees a tums

that’s foaming and a

piece of poop

on the floor

and i had to

clean it up and

stuff like that you know what i mean

because when no one

watches it and

we had freed

ranges to act

just as crazy as

why was it so bad

what was bad is because there’s no real boss

right and also what happened was fox didn’t own it

the warner brothers did right

and it’s so warner brothers didn’t care

about it right

fox didn’t care about it

and we just and no one

watched it and i don’t know how it stayed on

but every year they

would go yeah you’re

gonna come back i go really

you and i used to have

these conversations at the back of the comedy

store where you didn’t know what to do yeah

yeah you’re like i don’t know what to do i mean they’re

giving me x amount of dollars a week yeah it’s a

steady job but it’s fucking terrible it’s terrible you

fucking hated it dude oh i hated it i mean if i were

the one you’d show up no one’s there

you would have this look in your face man sometimes

you would have this look in your face

where you just like

you didn’t know what to do i cried a lot

you fucking

hated it i cried so much on that job so at five

in the morning mean when you’d show up for work five

o’clock call

you should look

up there’s no one there

no one yeah and then at 5 40 pm people

start showing up i go why did you call me

who runs this

thing right

you know call times are always

brutal oh i hate it and i hate when they get you an

early just they lies

they lie they lie they’re

liars they’re

liars you’re making fuck

you up at five

and then you shoot at

eight at night

right you know what i mean

right because well

first of all because comedians are irresponsible

you have to take that into account

right you are i am

brian is you’re on pornstar

joey diaz is the most

irresponsible person i’ve ever met in my fucking life

ari’s fairly responsible

but even he’s been irresponsible pretty nuts

another time i got in

trouble they had

sued me one of the actors

tried to sue me

really she shows it was her

first day of work

right she finally gets on a

sketch show

right and she

later became

like kind of she’s on madman and she was on the

cover of playboy

but when she

what’s her name her name is krista flanagan

hold on we gotta

google look up

a playboy put that on krista

with a cri st8

one of my best friends in the

whole world

she is yeah she is how do you

spell her last name flanagan f l a n

you guys you have very

weird friendships

why because

you know you’re friends with somebody you poop on

their floor you

get somebody

get sued but no no

but so you said she was in playboy

no but yeah but flanagan didn’t

know me her it’s her

first day at work

five in the

morning she shows up and we had rehearsals in the

actors rehearsal hall

and she’s sitting on the

couch i had no idea who she was she was eating

yogurt okay

so i was so

early i’m delirious i had like

thirty minutes of sleep

i walked up to her i

grabbed the back of her head and i farted in her mouth

when she was in

yogurt right

she starts crying

joe she started crying

right so then

ron peterson who

you know who

ron peterson is right

no the guy that

went out with natasha

all right you know that

whole thing

i don’t know oh

yeah you know what the

whole controversy with i know

ari i know there was a controversy

where natasha

left with a mad

tv again ron

peterson is the guy

well that’s very pretty yeah

ron you farted in her mouth yeah

you’re a confident man

what made you so confident

that fart in this pretty girl’s face

i farted in her

mouth so then

ron peterson

physically attacked

me mike mcdonald on the show put her

while you farted at her no

after that because she

started crying right

right so you farted in her mouth

your mouth with

yogurt okay

she’s eating

you come by

you fart in her

mouth like when you

grabbed your butt

touch your face no i had my

jeans on right you have your

jeans you know how it’s

powerful that you can go through two

layers of underwear

yeah that felt

strong one yeah like

like that you know i mean a lot of push it doesn’t go

it doesn’t go

but your genes

come in contact with her skin yes

really with her lips oh my god

right what’s

right in her mouth

she started crying

and then check it out

so know who attacks you so

ron petersen attacks me

right what is this

ron peterson

he’s like he is a canadian

comedian actor so he comes

after you yeah

and mike mcdonald puts him in a headlock

puts peterson in there

because punching

you because he’s physically attacking me people do that

to me all the time

they just want to physically assault me

i’m just one of those guys and then

you know but

so then two days later

you know my manager abby

right i mean we just sit there in

front of like the mad tv lawyers

and there was an awkward moment where

they have it on tape they go

explain to me what happened

right so i go

i showed up at work like yeah

and i’m like i see this girl i don’t know

where you know like yeah she’s eating yogurt and

she opened her mouth anyway i farted in her face

in her mouth

and then there was a fifteen second second

awkward pause

your mean where people are like writing

things down you know i mean

and then and then one guys just says why

right and i go i don’t know

you know what i mean

right and they showed up

so now i made a deal where i bought i bought her a 500

gift certificate

to brooke williams

right gave it to her

like in the next couple days

and i wrote her into like a popular

sketch that i did

and everything was fine became very good friends damn

fart in my mouth and make it best buy

wow man you know

it’s an unfortunate

thing when people

try to fuck around on sets and just have fun

you never know

right before you do something sometimes

if it’s too far

patrice o’neal had a really

funny point once

where patrice was talking

about imus about

when i must got in

trouble for saying something about

black people remember that

nappy heard

yeah yeah and he said that you can’t you can’t

no one knows

exactly what the fuck they’re

gonna say before they say

things like that and sometimes you say

things that are across the line

but he’s like

that’s where all

funny comes from

if it misses or it hits it’s

still coming from the same place

it’s just trying to get a

laugh and it’s totally

right that’s what it is yeah it’s like

people that aren’t in

the comedy businessman they don’t really

understand that in

order to be really funny

you can’t really have very many

boundaries yeah

and you know

where we’re from we’re from the like you know the

stores always work

out yeah so many

pictures of you

naked dude yeah yeah i have

pictures you tucked

standing in the middle of salted

there i’ve been raped there i’ve been all kinds of

things have happened growing up in the i have a

series of pictures of you with your

pants down at the comedy

store from over the years

where most of them

most of them he has his dick tucked in between his legs

and his legs

pinched together and your

shirt is off yeah

probably on a

sunday too yeah

right probably a tuesday

yeah but like and then you show up at a corporate

workplace right

like a network show

yeah and you

bring that into there and they’re like no yeah no

no no no no

yeah when we were on newsradio there was a lot of

chaos for a

while because they

would let us

drink on the set

so we would be done with the show and we

would get fucking hammered

we would get so hammered that no one knows this is

i because i

never took i

shouldn’t have done this

blamed it on some band we had a band

that was at

our studio or

on the stage

i forget what the band was

some like very

heavy metal band

so it was perfect like to

blame it on them yeah yeah and

they they were in a

scene with us

god i want to say anthrax was that a band yeah

they were right one dude had shaved head yeah

so anyway we’re all hanging around it

was me and dave foley and moritier and he just fucking

smashed smashed

and then we’re hungry

and maru goes we can only get in the

craft service room

and i’m like

i get in that room

and i fucking

i fucking taekwondo the door

i kick the door

smash the door

frame really bent the fucking the yeah

one kick i kicked open the door and

went inside and we fucking chow

down open up the fridge and then they were

so pissed the next day they’re blaming it on the band

we were like yeah that’s fucked up

that’s terrible

those guys were fucking

and they were

gonna like stop

drinking on the set because of it

andy would get smashed

andy and andy

would bring the shady fucking characters over

just be strange

smells coming out of this fucking

dressing room

it was just a fun fun set man

this is the thing

you don’t get

real good comedy

unless you get the type of people that

don’t have that many

boundaries people

that will go out there

people that have pulled

their fucking

pants down like all my friends at

their comics that pull

their pants down

they do stupid shit they’ll

say i dare you to go do this like they’re probably

gonna do if it’s

funny yeah yeah

i’ve seen like nine ten

comics penises over the last weak

like kristalia’s polys i’ve seen polly

shorts penis

i’m not even

lying eight hundred

and thirty two times

over a lifetime

you know i mean and it’s just i didn’t ask

the crystal

is penis look like our

magicals penis

by the way is very large

okay yeah yeah anyway

but but they don’t people don’t know

how magical

wise man with magicals penis

no it’s pretty large to i guess no i don’t think it is

possible that i’ll

magical has a big dick yeah it’s impossible really

i don’t think so

because he’s a hispanic

what are you talking

about hispanics don’t have little dicks

they go huge monster dicks mexicans you blowing

no no mexican

blowing any mexican what are you talking about

they have big penises

they’re not the ones but not that the

black big penis people

don’t like black people they’re like

but neither are like

irish well irish people are supposedly small penises

no they have

thick penis

irish cursive to me

the only difference between a mexican guy and asian guy

except for culturally but physically i’m talking about

is the eyes

what yeah the eyes you you

if you take a mexican guy you get him really high

right fucking from okinawa

you’re right hmm

but they’re more well they are

asian really because what what

american indians are

it’s people that came down from the bering

street that’s right

well some people have a different

that mankind

started in america and they went the other way hmm

well you know that’s also possible

human beings have been around so long they’ve made a

bunch of recent discoveries

that have way way way pushed back the dates of


we were talking

about this in the podcast recently

about crete

it’s an island is forty

miles away from the shore

and it’s been that way for over five million years

and they found these

stone tools that may be as old as

seven hundred thousand years old

they’re at least one hundred thousand years old

so they know a hundred thousand years ago

dudes were getting on boats and traveling

forty miles

i mean that’s amazing shit yeah

you know there’s a lot of shit we don’t know

about people man

there’s a lot of shit we don’t know

about people but as far as like

what we do know is that the people that were in asia

are the same people that were

north american indians

and north american indians

got fucked by spaniards

and they created mexicans that’s what it is that’s

why some mexicans look like indians they look like

you can just make a fucking

headdress and he’d be sitting bull you know

and what else people don’t

understand is is that you know japanese and koreans

which i’m korean right

we have kakazoid

strains in our dna because there’s

you know we’re from mongolia

right and they’re so

close to russia

right that it

mixed a little bit sure you know i mean

so we have that you know i mean so i’m kind of white

well russia

there’s a lot of parts of russia like siberia

especially where the people look very

asian they look like bjork

yeah yeah yeah

so they have a weird you

know sort of an inuit

look to them

yeah yeah it’s really interesting

yeah it’s a trip man it’s a trip when you step

what’s really a trip

about asians

i mean the real

trip is the stereotype that they look exactly the same

and they don’t of course look exactly the same but

i don’t have to tell you that

but it is kind of

weird that you have an entire

group of people with

narrow eyes and the same

color skin and black hair

i mean there’s like zero variation

right that’s

crazy that there’s a billion people like that

a billion plus really

i mean that’s really amazing when you look at the very

minute amount of variation as opposed to european

countries and even african countries

but let me say something to you

okay i ran into you and

eddie once at the sherman oaks galleria

you guys were working out at the gym there okay

and i was maybe

a hundred feet away from you

right and there was probably 20

other asians in my area

right and you from a hundred yards go bobby

and i turned around

right was it like that

dude like hey bobby

yeah you yell

from like a hundred yards i talk to the gym yeah yeah

no it wasn’t in the gym it was outside the gym right

it was outside the gym

and so you recognize me from 100 yards away

amongst asians so we don’t look alike

well bobby i know who you are

but without that we are saying that we

look like my eyes are good i

understand that

so what i’m

saying is is that

we do have differences

sure you have variations in the same theme

same theme over

and over again

yeah the same skin color yeah

look this is not

racist you know

there’s a there’s a

bunch of people

right now this is not get did

you this is

dedicated to the people that

will start fucking complaining

either on a message

board or on twitter and yeah i

heard that shit you said

about asians it’s so racist

no it’s just an observation i don’t find it

racist it’s not

to me it’s a fascinating thing

there’s nothing negative about it

but what’s fascinating is that

especially in

china and japan

there are a gigantic

group of people that look very very similar

and you know there’s not like a lot of

black influence

there’s not a lot of european influence

or the fact that they were able to stay so pure

for so long is really

quite shocking

when you look at the history of the

human race the

human race has been around for

however many

hundreds and hundreds of thousands of years

that they’ve been so concentrated in this area

that it’s been

agents breeding with asians

almost exclusively

that’s the one

that’s the reason why

i’ve only dated one asian guy

a girl in my

whole life you said guys i said girl

patty i heard you said guy

first girl girl guy

yeah okay girl

so girl patty once you’re the

power ranger

she in the space one

when they went to space

yes yes hot right

and she was beautiful

so when i was in the bed with her

right you know how

it’s dark and your eyes get adjusted to the

light a little bit the darkness

right you saw yourself

no i didn’t see yourself i saw the guy from heroes

i saw the lady from grey’s anatomy

i saw my uncle

han i saw kim jong il

i saw i saw everybody

right and after that i said i can’t do it anymore wow

so yeah so the girls that i date are always

either six foot two blonde


looking ones

or like you know you know

skinny tall mexicans that are you know i mean

but it cannot be

asians wow that’s

great i knew a girl who was chinese and she had

a thing with her dad and just

asian guys made her

throw up like she couldn’t even imagine yeah

fucking her

yeah she’s so

so sad yeah

poor kid yeah i’m

like if you’re so excluded

just one group just just

fucking whoever

was the representative of that one group

fucked up so hard

yeah but that’s you know the

asian parents are really the

worst really

they are the

worst because

they come to this country and they just assume

that they’re gonna have

their children here

and then they’re

gonna be doctors

and lawyers i mean that’s flat out there’s like

three options

right so if you come home with seeds

you’re getting in a beat

i got beat so hard bro really

yeah just beat because i got a c on my report card

now how do your

parents feel now that you’re real

successful as

a comedian do they accept that no but when they first

started doing

stand up they didn’t talk to me for years bro whoa

yeah i mean

for birthdays i go

happy birthday

but thanks dad okay bye

that’s it yeah

wow but i understand

culturally what that’s

about right

and then when they saw me on the tonight show

leno like 12 years ago i did it right

that was the

first moment

where they went we fuck up

we totally fuck up

so my dad called me emotionally and i

never seen the guy cry before wow and he

started crying on the

phone goes i

should have supported you but

i never thought you could make

it you know i mean

the main mistake

that’s heavy man yeah

and it was like the bond

you know that they that they

you know i mean discovered that they made a mistake

yeah that the

whole time like me

getting bad grades in

school we get kicked out of

school you know what i mean

and all the behavioral problems

you need that to be a comedian

yeah i know

and i don’t know

a single comedian that got straight a’s and fucking

studied all the time maybe

had a lot of options then

think of good in

school i think

teddy yeah maybe

that’s his fucking problem

and that’s the

root of it right there

and that’s why can i just why my last

point is the reason why that guy cho song we

shot up virginia tech

because his parents were just super

no suppressive his parents okay

always saw the kid talking to imaginary people

yeah in the park you know in like a park

right right

now a normal parent would go

that is a mistake you know i mean that’s wrong

right since the kid was getting good grades in school

they just go you know what he’s getting good grades

right they never address the problem but he’s fucking

crazy right right

like my parents you know i got bad grades

but i was always a good

guy like if i saw a homeless guy you know what i mean

i would give them a dime or

whatever i had in my pocket you know what i mean i was

never an evil person you know what i mean i had a good

heart right

but they didn’t

acknowledge that part of me you know what i mean

of course they only acknowledge that is he getting good

grades what’s colleges is

gonna go do right

so as soon as the guy shot up the school

the korean community harbored

okay this kid

that the appearance of the kid

so that’s why you can’t find an interview online

with the parents

like what the fuck happened

right the koreans harbored

the parents so you couldn’t get the

media couldn’t get to them

then they shipped them to korea

the ship the parents of

korea yeah the koreans don’t live here anymore

wow they live in korea

hiding you know i mean

in pusong or something you

know i mean in some village it’s kind of a fascinating

thing that when someone does something fucked up you

never blame who made them

you know like if my dog goes out and bites people

like all sudden you asshole

you know you did

what did you do with your dog why is your dog so mean

how come your dog wasn’t

contained in

your yard yeah but if your kid goes out and fucking

shoots people and

shoots up a school

nobody like pulls you aside and go hey

what the fuck was

going on when this one was being made yeah

yeah i mean you

saw jeffrey dahmer’s parents

still you know

defend yeah

themselves like you can’t defend that shit

you can but you you can’t rather but

who’s to say that someone can’t just be broken

who’s to say you can’t just have normal people

and this kids just got a fucking wild

screw loose

period and there’s nothing you can do

about it but

can i say something joe and i disagree with you on this

point okay because you know i met your

daughters right just

these well adjusted beautiful kids

right i guarantee you they’re not

gonna eat it somebody

yeah yeah yeah they will not eat

that’s a poor example because that’s

just a few that worked out well we’re not talking

about the average person we’re talking

about there’s like the thing

about dahmer is a perfect example because

apparently he was

never abused

you know and

but his parents

they weren’t together

they weren’t together but

that doesn’t mean anything and the father

when he saw

domer with a dead dog

i brought home a dead animal

right to my dad

i said look

daddy i found a cat

right right

he beat the shit out of me till i

could no longer even move

really and i

never brought

home dead cats anymore did he make you eat it

right okay but this

is this is a

this is a guy that was killing a

bunch of things when he was really

young right yeah yeah but

from what the he’s like one of the few cases that

from what i’ve read online yeah

maybe you know more

about the case than i did yeah

but what from when i read it more

online there’s no evidence that he was ever molested

never had any stories

about it yeah his parents were seemingly normal

yeah maybe you’re right

maybe you’re right

but i don’t know i mean it but i

think a lot of it has to do with up nurture yes

yeah a lot of it does but

maybe not all of it

i mean look if someone can be

completely psychotic

like that virginia text

shooter or like many

other serial killers i mean who knows

there might be a variety of

things that can go

wrong it might not just be nurture it

might also be nature that

might be possible but there also i mean

you have to

admit though that there is a mental

deficiency right sure something going on

and there are

medications out there right

but are there

medications that you can give you a soul

that’s true

you know i’m saying i think

there’s some people that are sociopaths and they

literally they have no feeling for

other people

all they think

about themselves we know a

bunch of them we know a few

comics that are sociopaths yeah yeah

i mean c is a

clear sociopath

no no question

no question yeah you know

there’s a disconnect between you know

these people and reality

for whatever

reason and almost all of them it’s some sort of sexual

abuse when they’re

young yeah almost all of them well

yeah mensia

i guess it came

out in a different way that was what you’re saying

you know what i mean instead of like

slaughtering a

village well

you can come out in a

bunch of different ways you

can come out in drug addiction it can come out in you

know prostitution

girls who do porn you know

in my view but you know my view on mensia you know that

you know i see a side to him

that no one

like you guys don’t see

play the music i play no no

what music what’s

it give me some no no no no

give me some love music

i know you know i’ve known

for a long time yeah

so i don’t see

well you’re like

the neighbor

that you know when well what was dom or like

well he was a nice guy he always said hi and yeah yeah

maybe i am the neighbor he’s always kind to me yeah

maybe i’m the neighbor

you’re the neighbor yeah

but the neighbor

doesn’t get it

look no one

who’s evil is evil to everybody i mean fucking

maybe ed gein had a nice cat

you know that he

treated well

right fuck i

know that guy

correct that game

creepy do you

well in just in

sense that like

you know me inspiring these

huge movies like you

know silence the lambs and

yeah it’s fucking

scary thing is he was doing it back when there was no

other examples of it that was just what he’s

crazy doing

it’s not like this guy learned

about it in

movies yeah

no he was making

clothes out of people

right right right

i think that i

think of making a lampshade

right is worse

than making

clothes they

found lampshades from

world war ii

they’re made out of

nazis made out of jews

they found one recently

was preserved

yeah it’s yeah

it’s horrendous

no one’s gonna buy that like how

could you put that out in your living room sick

or some people

did they make like

clothing to and i like

everything you’re just lampshades like that they’ve ju

brawls i think they just fucking

slaughtered people

and did whatever they wanted to them who said don’t

ever say to bras in

front of me again

do you have in your

house like a room devoted to kim jong io

like newspaper articles over wall wall circles

and some private

investigator photos

i mean do you know him do you mean why would i know him

because it seems like he would be your

enemy right

now if i was you why because it seems like he’s in

everything right now

do you feel some kind of

i don’t know anything

about the dude

brian has brain damage

when he was a

young man he was asleep and

he lived in the

apartment and for years i mean

there has to be carbon

dioxide was

blown on his head

i’m not kidding

this is brain damage

can i just say something to you okay

when i was born right

i saw all the shows that you saw

right right

because i was

lived in america

and tv i listened to the beatles you know what i mean

i smoked high with my friends on a hammock

when did your parents come here

in the late 60s

right and what’s

crazy about my parents is they didn’t even meet in

korea they met here wow

where they met in a

disco and they’re both

super korean

they’re super

du korean but yeah very


i mean not now

so now you grew up in san

diego right yeah

now that’s where i met

bobby when i met

bobby bobby was

bobby was a doorman

do you a dormant i was a dormant it was like 90s

796 maybe 85 yeah

maybe earlier

maybe earlier yeah

it was i just

moved to la i’d only been here for a little

while and i was doing a weekend at the la jolla comedy

store and it was me

and jimmy schubert and i

think diaz was

i don’t think so

i think diaz was

still in seattle at the time

and we went to a

strip club in san

diego and there was these

mexican gang bangers that were like the real deal like

tattooed tears in

their face and

this one dude was

he had these

crazy murderer eyes and

you know and

jimmy schubert was like i don’t know what happened

jimmy was trying to get a

dance from one of

their girlfriends

or something or said something to one of the


and so the guy got up and he got in

jimmy schubert’s face and

jimmy schubert was trying to apologize

and bobby lee just got all

crazy like fuck these

fucking pussies

bobby lee like

you like these guys ain’t shit

these guys are pussies and he was saying it like loud

and the guys were

looking at us and i just got up and i said i’m leaving

right now whoever’s

coming with me is coming with me i’m leaving right now

like i knew we were like

moments away from someone getting shot really

i don’t have

street smarts

oh my god talk

about negative

street smarts

these dudes had

tattoos in their face

there’s certain dudes

where you look at him and he go

these guys are posers

these guys were murderers like

there’s no question

about it yeah they

got a shotgun

we are 15 minutes away from

tijuana okay

and this is

you know this is the

old days when it wasn’t even hard to go back and forth

back in the 90s bro

you needed a driver’s license

it’s all you needed yeah you didn’t have to have a pass

port to go to mexico or come back and forth

dudes were coming back and

forth all the time oh and cab drivers didn’t even they

could just drive back and forth

yeah so easy so

there was a lot of

crime and dangerous

crime looks like you

would run into pockets of of like

extreme danger

and that’s what we were

involved in a pocket

of extreme danger and his bob doing fuck these guys

because he shit

fuck you guys are pussies

these guys are pussies

like saying it loud yeah i know if you were

drunk at the time you know i

would not no no no were you sober yeah

i was 20 i was 23

okay i just left my the hometown paway

was where i grew up pa

way yeah it’s called

pa way yeah

it’s outside san

diego yeah it’s like east

30 25 minutes east of like downtown san

diego right

and i didn’t know much

okay i just do it

started doing stand up

i wanted to impress

you because you know i mean you’re a headliner and i

never met headliners you know i mean

like he’s a headliner so i wanted to act

tough you know i mean

and i came across looking like a fucking asshole

well somehow you came across it was the threat that you

would put us into you’d put us in a yeah

i apologized over the last fifteen year buddy

it’s just a

funny story man

i still love you

just a funny

story but i just remember like this little


gonna get me killed yeah

and i remember that i remember

that i remember it

vividly yeah

he was so incredulous

even now we’re waiting to get in the car

ah you guys

were overreacting like get in the i don’t know

what was wrong

with the car yeah yeah

my this i’ve seen murderers before i’ve met

him yeah never

there’s a certain

tweak in a person’s

eye when they’ve already killed somebody

sounds like nonsense but joe i was just in

south africa i did some shows out there yeah

three o’clock in the afternoon

i walked out of my hotel room

and all of a

sudden i’m on the

floor what yeah

i go why am i on the dirt

right and these two

black guys from

south africa

were robbing me

whoa and i and

and i don’t know have any smarts

you mean like they

were what would they hit you with something or they

throw you out

no i walked out and i just

could i saw

these two guys kind of following me

right like oh like i don’t have it in that instinct

right you know i mean

and the next

thing i know they

throw me onto the ground

these two huge

black dudes

right and then

my face is in the dirt and they take my

blackberry and i had some cash in the

other pocket

right they ran off

and then ian

bag you know ian bag

uh huh yeah

ian bag and i looked for two

hours for them

but what are we gonna

do i know nothing why

would you look for because i was

gonna buy my

blackberry off of them

oh that’s good like they’re

gonna accept

money to steal your

money from something that’s

worth money for your

money fuck you

that is the

more money that’s the dumbest

thing i’ve ever

heard i’m just

telling you this happened and the

thing is i just don’t have any

street smarts

wow yeah i just

don’t have that instinct i grew up in the suburbs

wow that’s not just

not having streets marks that’s like that’s like you

haven’t thought this out

and ian bag was down with this plan

yeah what’s his problem

he’s from canada

i think me and bobby are

together in the same

apartment he’s canadian

that’s pretty

crazy yeah yeah

yeah so that’s the same kind of

thing that africa is very

tricky isn’t it it’s crazy

how long were you there for

a month and a half

whoa what were you doing there for a

month and a

half i did a

bunch of shows

in johannesburg durban and cape town that’s

crazy it was crazy bro

i did it with

great comics so i’m in sia

not mitzia um

pablo francisco i hit them

you keep getting

them confused i know pablo francisco

you know yeah

gabriel no it was pablo me

ian orni adams

wow okay i saw a

photo with you and orni online somewhere that was it

yeah yeah so what was the

experience like

well first of

all what are the audiences like they’re africans

no they’re just

white and blacks it’s amazing dm

words dude that

way in the in

the best audiences i’ve ever played in

front of really you crush

you absolutely

crush bro really

because comedy is only like 10 years old there whoa

right and they get

all you turn on the tv you see two and a half men all

these shows

that they get from america

right but they can’t do it themselves

no they have a couple of this guy named

trevor noah who’s a huge star out there

really yeah he’s a

black guy he’s huge

and there’s another guy

named louis so

right so it’s new

so like not

you know these if you’re a

stand up in

south ever you get ad campaigns

like just verizon

and trevor noah you know i mean huge posters

it’s a market dude donom is now playing out there who

jeff donom like everyone’s

going out there now really yeah

rogan joe you would kill

there’s plenty of

places i don’t

get to go to america i got to get back to houston

i’ve been in chicago

in houston not

gonna fucking africa

yeah but what i’m saying is that if if

you know they don’t know me

you know i mean

and they’re

still coming out right

well they probably got mad tv dude no they don’t no

no they don’t know who the fuck i am i open bro

really yeah i mean i had

orney and all

these guys go out they know who

orney is no but the

thing is is that

the producers of the show were like

cause asians are

third class

citizens there whoa

we’re like the

blacks of south africa

right whoa so it’s like you know

so you were like riding the back of the bus

like up until

10 years ago really yeah they had a back of a bus for

asians like back of the bus yeah

they were not

weren’t able to vote

real fifteen years ago yeah yeah

so they view

me as like you know i mean like scum of the

which is crazy haha

you mean it is

absolutely unfoundable you know i mean that

so it’s like so i went up

first and you i could feel

every show dude

people going

you know i mean like just

and i just know

you know bang bang you know what i mean

right you could so you

could feel that

they were like judging you not judging me but there

was a feeling of like what the fuck is this shit right

really yeah how is that not judging you

maybe but the

thing is i know as soon as i open my

mouth i just said the

first couple jokes

i had him on my side you know i mean

you just crush

wow you know i mean because a

they’ve never really seen

asians that have an american accent that

doesn’t have an accent

right right so that in itself is

shocking to them

and b me just talking like an american which i am

and then me

see being funny

you know i mean

shock them too you know i mean

wow so it’s

crazy yeah so you were there for a

month and a half yeah

i mean how many shows did you do i got a lot bro

i did like i know 35

holy shit 30

to 35 who booked that there’s a festival out there

every year you

should do it it’s 30 no i’m not

gonna go in

35 days you can’t do it i don’t want to

i don’t like

going for any place

i don’t even like

going places for four days yeah in it

i like three days and done

yeah in and out but for me it was just like you know

cause i just

never been there

and also you know that was it was just a slow time man

wow thirty five fucking

days in africa and did they pay you in gold coins and

trunk and heads yeah was the aids good no the food haha

did you worry

about malaria

did you worry

about no the

money was good

you go george clooney

got malaria

yeah dude it’s like it’s like being

you did it really yeah you

did oh you did

it’s like being

anywhere else

kind of like if you’re in cape town it’s like

oh there’s a you know a coffee shop and a

you know me

clothing store you know

starbucks are there

no there’s another

thing called this is

there’s only difference is they rob you everywhere

during the day they have they have no

people get robbed all the time wow

the one of the producers of the show

so yeah i was on the freeway

during the day and some

black guy just walked up to the door

his door her door and said

i want the car she just got out gave him the car whoa

yeah pass on africa please

is there a lot of

flies like the

whole no dude

why would you tell me to go to a

place where you get robbed all the time

what’s so great

about it because i’m just saying though because i just

think that you’re a

great comedian

stand up you know what i mean and

i just think that you

did there’s no one like you that’s ever played there

and that you

could clean up

i don’t want to

hang out with

the antwoord

man we could just

over here they’re hanging out

really love them to love yeah i called his

cell phone that’s his voicemail

beep boy beep oh i love

that yeah yeah awesome

that’s cool yeah

yeah we went

gaga on them when they

first came out on the podcast but that’s how i know

about them because

of us south africa

oh because of being

a big there

and also you

so you found out

about them way before everybody else yeah and also

those guys they the way they look

that’s what some of the like

the white people look like know what how popular

is the antwoord

in south africa

was it yeah i know but you go to a like a hip hop

store they have hip hop

stores you know i mean

right there’s a poster or whatever you know i mean

and you know and you know they have

radio stations that play just

regular music

it’s a normal

place you know

it’s just all intense

it’s just it’s just new

you know i mean

civilization is new

right yeah i mean

joe is new that’s what’s

scary about it man

and it’s borders so much wild shit

but that’s you

know if you that’s how russell

peters he did

his first theater show

in south africa

yeah and that’s how he got the momentum

yeah sort of but

russell is just

first of all you know he has a huge following in the

asian community

you know yeah indians

asians yeah they’re just so

happy that there’s another comic like

you know or a

comic like him out there

yeah come out

and massive drone

support him

the community so

strong yeah

but they don’t

what russell sells out like that

everywhere it’s not just you know he’s

crazy yeah he

does two nights this is before

he had that really yeah yeah

his first theater show was in

south africa

how far is that flight isn’t that like 16

hours no it’s

like it’s a 24 hour deal

could you do 12 to amsterdam and the

usual 12 to

south africa god

damn i know it’s the

worst really yeah

it’s the 24

hours in the air you feel like

it feels like two weeks in the in the air

oh my god and you

start sweating

you know you

start sweating

after a while

right it must

wreck your body too yeah

yeah what is 24

hour jet lag it

tears you up

it tears you up

and you have to do

business business

class at least

tell me this yeah what the fuck is

going on on

planes that make you feel so fucking bad when you land

cause i feel like i drink

i feel like when i’m on a

plane i feel like it’s like the same

feeling i get when i do

a show and have like

three shots yeah that’s what

it feels like the air quality you’re pretty much hot

box breathing

other people’s insides

is that what it is yeah and you

don’t know what you know people are just filthy animals

yeah and you know really

sleep on a plane you always

sleep with your mouth open

cause you sit back like this

and like no matter

who you look at it

everyone has

their mouth open

so you just sit

there and go

and sucking that in through your mouth

what is the way

around that there’s no way around that oh i went to a

strip club in

south africa

it was the worst

place i’ve ever been to in my life really i got a lap

dance from a

girl i kid you not that look like dog the bonnie hunter

oh really yeah i

cheated in that she had facial hair

you know what i mean

yeah her breast was like you know me shriveled up

it was awful

and she was

touching you

yeah she’s touching me but i’m

laughing the

whole time you know i mean so you did it on purpose

yeah i just

did it for fun you know

yeah but awful

did you worry

about getting robbed there

no no you just don’t worry

that was happened

i got robbed the last day like the

second of the last day i was there bro

wow so it was like my

let me know

so did you just let like when the guy stole your

blackberry did you try to get another one or it’s a

black you know why because

i know i’m leaving this god forbidden

place you know i mean i

could go back to it you say

you hate it man you trying to get me to go there what’s

wrong with you know what i’m saying

in terms of the trap

joe in terms of like you know me what you

would do they’re business wise

yeah i mean that’s all

to me what’s the most important

thing is having fun and

24 hours in the

plane is not fun

you know like i got a gig coming up in australia

i’m doing some

place called rudy hill

it’s outside of

sydney it’s like the suburbs it’s like all i

could get because it was like a late last

minute thing

and that’s because i’m doing the

ufc out there i like doing

those gigs i’m doing the ufc

so a night before i’ll

do a gig somewhere in australia and i’ve done them in

england and i’ve done

them in ireland i’ve done them all over the place yeah

but i’m not

traveling somewhere for 24 fucking

hours to do an audience just to do a show yeah i can

do that i can do that in burbank man yeah i’m saying

my car and do that yeah so

you know that’s just too

crazy it’s too much of a commitment

yeah but you

know that’s the only i mean when you’re in a

point point in your life with

right now the only

revenue you’re getting is through

much shows right

just gonna have to go fuck it yeah but

why fuck it when you just

build up your audience in america man

that’s how i feel i mean i don’t

there’s nothing

wrong with doing it and there’s nothing

wrong with traveling

but for me first of all part of his

kids i have kids i can’t just go somewhere for a

month that would fucking

drive me crazy yeah but i wanted to see

great white

sharks and shit like that you know

yeah that’s

kind of interesting i mean that was interesting

about australia too seeing crocodiles and shit yeah

and find out that fucking

kangaroos kill more people than anything kangaroos

fuck people up in australia they do yeah there’s big

giant cigarettes

there’s apparently

two different types of kangaroos i forget what

color the big ones are

but the big ones will fuck you up they’re like 300

pounds and shit and they gut people they

they kick you with

their there’s a toad

that there’s a toad out there that’s on

everything everything

yeah yeah that

they that they

shipped there

from a different place

right because they had

locusts or something

that they wanted to get rid of so they ship these

indigenous frogs from

south africa

but that the locust were so high up on

these leaves

that the frogs didn’t eat the locust or whatever

so they just

multiplied oh

and the poisonous so it

today’s ramp

oh shit yeah

people are so goddamn

smart trying

to fix ecosystems yeah yeah it fuck that let’s just

spray the bugs

you spray you cunt

bobby what was eminem like

what kind of what

you meant eminem

right yeah yeah yeah

what was he like

he said nice

nice where did you meet eminem i did

i was in one of his

music videos

oh really yeah

yeah he i got a call saying

come down now

cause they need you

right so i came down i did

three sketches i played sulu

then i played an

eskimo and one yeah yeah and

he’s nice i’ve met him before

and i got to meet dr dre

which is great he has a huge

black hand that just

takes my little hand and

it surrounds my hand

and it’s so dry and perfect

you know what i mean

just soft you know

me it’s like dr

trey’s hand you know what i mean

and he’s so gentle like a

giant gentle

guy who put his hand on your back huge

if something happened he

started lifting weights and got jacked

but he’s kind

a kind guy you

know what i mean

because i grew up with nwa

i love that

stuff yeah so it’s like

that was my

ice cube once that was the fucking coolest

thing ever when ice cube said what’s up joe

i’m like get the

fuck out of here yeah yeah is that ice

cube knows my name

it’s great it’s great

it’s a trip yeah

it’s so crazy that people that

i went to i was in miami

i was in the

front row was gloria estefan

whoa get the fuck out of here i didn’t know who she was

holy shit so

somebody ate backstage before i went up there gloria

estefan’s in the audience

i go who is that

and they go

it’s gloria

estefan she’s huge i go really she’s huge

so i went up on

stage and this is what i said this is i’m an asshole

oh no no i get up on

stage i go ladies and gentlemen

gloria edabon no

and then you know how they shine the

light on her like you know what i mean yeah

and she’s blushing

she’s kind of waving to the audience

and i’m still smiling

cause i don’t know i fucked up oh no

right edabon

and then afterwards she just left

so i was never able to meet her

wow and if you’re listening

gloria estefan

i googled you after that

you know what i mean and i know all your

stuff and i really

sorry for the disrespect

maybe she thought you were doing like an

asian joke though you know

why she’s not asian

no no no that you were

mispronouncing it you know like you were

doing like a character no no because i don’t do that

you know i mean so like i

trust me it came all fucked up

because even the audience went

you know you

could hear them

that’s hilarious

you know me

and i want to

because i don’t know what people like

sports people are

neither i did this one commercial with

these two old men

and i was like

telling one old man to go get me a cup of coffee

a cup of coffee just got one

is it all right you know i mean

and at the end of the

shoot i was i was laughed and they’re like you know who

those guys were i go who

stan makita and gordie howe

who are huge

soccer on a hockey icons right

so you had gordie howe

going getting you coffee it was

he did it in a

it was it wasn’t like

i was joking kind of

like can you get me one of

those two you know it wasn’t like

telling him what to do you know i was not a hockey

fan when i was a kid so i didn’t know i knew bobby or

was like a name i know it was a big deal

and so i was working at the boston athletic club and

and bobby or used to come there and work out and

that’s one of the one of the

first times i’d

ever been around a professional athlete that had been

fucked up from his sport yeah

i did not know

how bad some dudes got jacked by

their sports but

bobby or had scars up and down both legs yeah

where he had some insane amount of knee

surgeries like 16 fucking knee surgeries

something crazy it

might even be more than that

but his knees were so bad

that he would play racketball

and if the ball went to the left or to the

right he would just lean

and fall to the ground

he literally couldn’t move

it was the saddest shit ever man it was so

sad it was the saddest shit ever

and you know what a

versa climber is

it’s like a pole it’s at an

angle it’s got handles for your hands and for your feet

and you kind of

you go up and down up and down with this

thing and it

simulates that you’re

climbing something it’s a lot of versatile

climbing you

can’t do it i used to have to put him on this

thing i used to have to help him

what i used to do is to have to get behind him and i

would have to hold his

waist and he

would put one foot in one of the stirrups

and then you’d have to kind of lift him a little so he

could get his foot into the next one

because his knees didn’t bend

yeah his knees

literally didn’t bend

they went from like

fully extended

to like one

quarter it’s like

johnny’s arms

is way worse than that

well john mccain

seems like he can’t move him past a certain point yeah

shoulders yeah it

is he’s got bad shoulders

needs to rehab that shit yeah

and he rotated

and i feel whenever i see him i feel bad because

asians did that to him

did they yeah is that what happened to them yeah

he was tortured for five years

really yeah they put them in

straps you know what i mean in rope

that’s what fucked up his shoulders

yeah really

what do you think

happened mattresses and car bags

maybe slid into third

the bag with his hands

that’s really what happened they fucked up his

shoulders yeah and when i played they made me play john

mccain what i’m

etie i can look it up how the fuck did

she play look it up

bobby lee jonathan that

sounds silly

right they got the call i got

the call that i want you to play john mccann i go no

they go why

because people like me torture them i’m not playing him

too vietnamese

it’s pretty distant from koreans

but you know what i’m saying though

right if someone said

vietnamese though you’d be

upset no i wouldn’t be

vietnamese at all no i love them

okay it’s not that

you don’t love them yeah but you’d be like you’re an

idiot you know the difference between

vietnamese and korean

there’s a difference yeah there’s a big difference okay

can i just say

something the reason why i said what i said

which part when

you guys put not you guys right

when he put

the video oh

that said that

i think that

oh that video is

a jungle news most

people have have no idea what we’re talking about here

well i don’t know if you read it online

yeah well most people

are not gonna read the

story about you online

bobby lee once was playing around and said something

about vietnamese

wow that’s you as john mccain

you look like donald trump

fuck frank kelly

that’s what it looks like

it doesn’t it yeah look up bobby lee

is john mccain

and it does not look like john but

the reason why i said that was because of dad fan

you don’t like that no i wanted to know

where my resentment

why i would say something like that in the

first place people

yeah and it was because at that time

he was way bigger than me

you know what i mean and i knew

in my heart that i could just destroy him you know

i mean as a stand up

and everyone was saying like

that bothered me then

right well it bothered

me then because they were saying he’s the funniest

asian guy ever

right and i’m like i know

koi i know mark rhodes

you know me i know a lot of

asian comics that are very funny

right i mean

well you know what he had was a killer five minutes

you know and i saw dad fan i was the one of the judges

for last comic

standing yeah the fucking kid destroyed

man i mean he came out and destroyed it wasn’t

the best material in the

world yeah it was like you know who

who cares you know

it’s like pop comedy that’s what he was doing yeah but

he destroyed

and then for whatever reason me

really is really funny

but for whatever reason it just

never caught on

after that that was it

but the thing is that i know him on the club level

right and i

know exactly what he can do like in terms of like

if you were to put

that mi coi

like any of the

other asian guys

in armin that it

would you could

would be able to see

don’t you think that that’s corrosive

thinking don’t you

think that that that kind of

thinking is detrimental

as a as a person to you like when you

worried about what

other people can do not

hearing yourself no no no no

no i don’t i because i know what you’re saying okay

it’s like you know ken john you know his

success i’m very

happy for him

because i’ve done i’ve

went on tour with ken

you know man

right we did the

asian tour right

right he’s been on 15 16 sketches at mad tv

i know his level and i and he’s a hard worker nice guy

and he’s a talent

right okay and

you know i feel the same way

about joe coy or

steve byrne or any of

these guys right

no competitiveness with anybody

but i just i just know

you know i mean

at people’s

talent level

and i just felt that

he didn’t deserve it

yeah but what do you care

this is my point like why are

no but joe i’m better

about it now of course

i know but you’re

still sort of defending it right

no i’m not really determined

that’s what i’m saying

what i asked is do you

think that behavior is corrosive by saying you’re

better than that now you’re saying yes it is negative

right it’s very negative and you know

it was a bad time

really bad time for me it’s

tricky with comedians

we were talking

about someone else

early that gets jealous

about people there’s

there’s it’s very

tricky with comics

for some reason when

comics see one person success

yeah they’ve somehow another

think it is being

taking away something from them

yeah is that it’s in and for me it’s like i

i have accepted

you know mean

i accept what i have in

front of me i love my life

you know mean

but at the time

you know me it was in turmoil

like i wasn’t really you know i mean

i didn’t know what i was doing you know i mean

right and i was

going you know i had just gotten sober

again you know i mean it was a

rough time you know i mean

just you know

you’re just sensitive you know i mean of course

and so yeah i mean

in retrospect it was

really ugly

yeah my point of view that’s one of

those things you have to

learn from now you

know but you see it so much in the open mic night days

you remember when you were an open mic

night guy and

you were just

starting out and then

there would be guys you work with it

started getting work yeah

yeah yeah yeah

dude everyone

would hate i

would hate i

totally hate on people that

would start i’d be like this guy’s

gonna be good fuck him

but he’s obviously

good enough to get a job like you know it’s not

him getting that job

is not taking anything away but this is yeah but the

thing that what you

learn over time though is is that

you realize there’s so much

work out there right

that there’s i feel like there’s enough for everybody

but at the time when you’re not

getting jobs

you know mean

yeah you know that you’re

funny sure it’s just a difficult

transition course i mean

that’s all i’m

saying is it because that fans of

vietnamese is that have anything to do with it uh

no no no no no

because i know that from san diego

first of all he’s a

liar remember like

during the show you said he’d been doing for two years

i started with the guy

your man in san diego

i mean i mean i have

photos with him your

man from back

in the nineties

so he had been doing a long time way long

you know i mean living

underneath the desk all

these things that he said he

claiming he was

doing you know mean it’s not true to me was not true

and also marker cho

wrote him a letters because he’s had

stolen the joke

from her what joke was that i don’t know what joke

you know what i mean

asian jokes is very

tricky it’s like

a buddy of mine

my friend john tobin

from new york

used to say this that when you work with a bunch of

black guys he goes

it’s always if there’s three

comics and two guys are

white and one guy’s the

black the black guy

is always like yeah man i was supposed to be closing

i heard that i was supposed to be closed

he goes unless

two black guys and the

black guy then they’re like yeah i’m supposed to open i

gotta get out

why yeah

that is so funny so

true because it’s

so much hack

shit that guys

would just rely on cause it would work

every time now you’re

white people looking around seeing if you

could laugh at this yeah it’s like jewish material

every person that’s a jew has to talk

about them being

a jew it’s like they all do the same material

it’s like when i went on tour with

the four three

koreans we did the kings of comedy was me

steve bernken

and kevin shay

and no one wanted to close

we would kind of

fight backstage like

you know i mean

i’d have to

close sometimes

you know what i mean and it was very difficult

because it was so much

it’s not that we went

over the material it’s just the fact that

all asian comics have at

least 10 minutes

right of their act

about being

asian right

the point of view

might be different

or the angle right

but you at all

those probably have the most material

right yeah the most material

but yeah but now i have

to kill her shit as asian

that do you

still do that bit

about the vietnamese guy hiding in the camp

no i don’t know

that’s why they

won the war

they can hide in

they can hide in trees for

three weeks

just a banana

that wasn’t it was a killer that was in that

video you were talking

about right just before that we put up that

the one that you got in

trouble for

yeah that video yeah didn’t you talk

about it in that

video no no

no no no i don’t

blame you for the

video by the way

it was just

one of those

no it was just

well for a couple years i couldn’t even look at you why

i’ll be honest

i didn’t say anything

can i just say this i just get this because we

haven’t talked about it

i just want to

bring it up can i

bring it up sure anything okay

there was a time

about i don’t know when

two of the years

that i felt

that there was

animosity between me

and your camp

what because you

never felt it for me

yes i did really

for me yeah i felt i felt that i honestly i felt that

could i be sure

is that i felt that there was a

weirdness because of the whole

the video that i had come out no

and and with ari

you know me me are we not getting along

look when when i called you when there was that the

video that you made

where man see you made you make that

video yeah i called you

about it yeah

i told you i go dude i’m not mad at you yeah i know it

doesn’t about you which was

which was the one

biggest mistake i thought because

if you read the feedback

after that oh my god i

get threats

well you know i

understood your

point of view totally i knew you from back in the

day and i knew your relationship with him and i knew

that you knew he was sick and you were

trying to help him

i knew i knew the whole

story didn’t bother

me at all and

for people don’t know

he just made this

video saying that he

never saw it but

can i tell you how that came

about okay but let me tell

these people

he made a video saying that he

never saw carlos

steal any material

and it was one of

those videos that looked like one of

those terrorist

videos where there’s a fucking

gun pointed to your head and

a knife under your neck okay

so this is what happens

i’m in canada

right the video

right comes on right

and then mincia calls me and

literally six

months ago i erased the message i kept it for that long

yeah man damn it

why didn’t i

it was so he was so

angry i can’t even that was

so great to

play yeah yeah

i erased it damn it

so then what

happens is like i come back from canada and

now it’s the new

season of mad right and

lo and behold

monsieurs mind amen

see i got picked up

right and it’s

literally attached to my tv

like the studios are right

so i’m like

and i hadn’t seen

carlo since the

video went out right

so for a couple

of days i’m like i know how to get around

the stairs right and i’ll

sneak around the back here

and this guy

this is how i want to get that right

well next thing you know he grabbed one of his cousins

bergum’s the mad tv

who’s a friend of mine

brings me over

right and then i had like

six mexicans just sit

me down are you sure they were really max i don’t know

they’re japanese yeah you have to do some

japanese yeah

guatemala yeah

and you know carlos is there

ned and he just goes was he sitting in a

throne no it was outside and he just goes

you gotta do this for me

so i did it

you know what i mean and then that happened and then

you know what i mean the weirdest part

about the video though what sucked is is that

you made this

video that didn’t even seem like you even knew the

video you were talking about

it almost seemed like whatever i can’t remember the

actual words in it it

sounded like you were talking about a video

that you hadn’t seen

which it was even weirder because

i got caught between

two camps that i you know mean

i’ve always had a relationship with right

joe and i have known

each other for so long i don’t have a camp

it’s like you don’t mean people human

not camp you know what i’m saying okay

and then you know mensia had a group his group

right and i felt like i was in the middle and that

you know i mean i felt like at a time

where i had to choose i felt like

i stayed on of it

you know me

for the most probably i for the longest time

i wouldn’t talk

about it in

radio or anything like that because people

would bring it up

i’d go on tour and they’re like

so you know i mean and i’d be like i don’t want to talk

about it you know i mean

as far as just like the amount of

interest generated

by that that’s probably one of the most controversial

videos in like

the history of comedy it probably was you

know it kind of

crazy it was insane

but you know what also kind of

crazy was you remember what the

environment was like before anybody called him on that

where everybody was on eggshells you’re constantly

terrified of that guy walking in the room yeah was

crazy and then he was

becoming successful is

becoming successful and then just

yeah like i said you know i just don’t see that part

you see the

movie i inform

you say that

how can you say that because you do you did because

it stole some

shit from you man i mean i know you had issues with

okay i know can i just say this though yes all right

here’s what

it is okay like we said before okay that it is like

you know one of

those situations where

he the guy when i was an open micro

right used to he bought me a car

it was a used car

but i didn’t have a car right

and then he took me on tour him and polly

shore like would rotate

like one guy

would take me one you know

i mean who was more fun to hang out with on the road

obviously polly

because he didn’t make me cry you know i mean but like

i used to get

pussy you can’t get

pussy on a minsier show

why not because they’re all

married and

have 19 kids and you know what i mean and they’re like

any man see offend

you know i love you but my point is

you know what i mean but my

point is is this that so how did he make you cry

well he would make me go to golf with him

what he like he plays golf and i hate golf

and i have to get

early and carry you know like

bring the golf back you

would have to

bring them i did it once or

twice and i stopped doing it you know i mean and then

tell you and then one

time oh no no no one time he let’s

move over that

and then you

carry back the one time i had to

we played denver once and he made me

sleep i didn’t give me a

hotel room this

is what he wasn’t doing as well

he like it was in the beginning

and i had to

sleep in albert’s closet

cut the fuck out of here

on the road with them and you didn’t even get a

hotel this is he wasn’t selling out at the time this is

literally in ninety six ninety five

yeah i mean

wow but it’s so you know you you know you he is like

he was always like you know a brother

in a sense you know i mean

you know regardless

he nurtured you

you didn’t nurture me like i

think that the how

did you cry what made you cry

just having to like get

up and like you know there was a time we had to sell

merch and and as a

young comic

you know i mean

you don’t know

what to do you want to make it you know you what you

appreciate the stage time

and it was just

so he makes you work for him

and on top of just opening up for yeah but to be honest

a lot of guys do that shit dude really

yeah i don’t when i because i have openers now and i

treat them with all those

okay yeah probably does all the time

you know i mean

didn’t paul

get you to work for free

didn’t probably

you that’s another i can’t i cannot

you can’t discuss that

no because it’s another

that’s another

you know i mean

it’s what it what it is this okay is

mency is one

thing but polly right

he specifically

made me a regular there

like he made his mom pass me

right right

and so there is a specific relationship

no one on planet earth

talks to me like polly talks to me

in what way he

talks to me like i’m

literally his younger brother

still do they

and i understand it because you know i’ve

known him for so long

but in in the

world in the

world i’m almost

forty you know i mean

i don’t let anyone talk to me the way polly talks to

me so it’s fine

but talks to you in a disrespectful way

no it’s just like did like he’ll say did

you know me you

like he’ll say

stuff like did you

should be bigger than you are now

you know mean

what about you

bitch yeah but the

thing is i say that no

i don’t say that so you

wouldn’t what happened with you and see

no man in the hey hey

i have to go to the comedy

store once in a

while i want

someone talking to you like that’s not nice

yeah but polly also you know

when i moved he’s like a big brother though you know i

lived in his

house you know me you lived in his

house well he

charged me rent

but the thing

is is that you know any problem on the road so it’s

a key really bad i’ll be back in one

second okay

is that cool sure go ahead

so joe there’s

gonna get a

story straight it’s

gonna go in there no i don’t have my stories if i said

about polly

no no i’m just kidding i’m just kidding

turn around so joe i saw a

movie last night you

you already

bought it i guess yeah

it’s called

enter the void

and it is like somebody saw you talk

about dmt and

tried to write a

script around it around some

living in tokyo

i mean well

maybe they just did it

huh well no

it has a lot to do with dmt

and i’m saying

maybe they did yeah but how they describe it in the

movie sounds like they’re reenacting you

you’re gonna fucking like the

movie was made for you it’s really amazing

then it gets really annoying

but like the

first half of the

movie is like

wow this is fucking cool

they show a dmt

thing what would

it what it feels like to be on dmt

for the first half of the movie

and there gets parts where it

sounds exactly like how you describe it

and then whoever

directed the movie

which is name is

hold on i tell you one second

it’s directed by gasper no

he is brilliant when

does it come out on dvd it came out tuesday

it’s on netflix

we already have it netflix

streaming hd 2 but it is

so amazing if i ever make a

movie i want to make my

movie look exactly like this guy

wow brilliant

but then it gets really

annoying and there’s all

these like why’d it get

annoying um well

one of the directors

things is like it does like the strobe light

thing through it

it gets so bad that i feel like i’m getting

hypnotized like it’s this

movie was made by google

or the government and it’s like

you’ll see what

i mean like you’ll sit there and like i’m

gonna have a seizure

i’m having a seizure

wait i’m being programmed to do something

all right this you know it’s do you know

that there’s an

olympic logo that they had

a poll because it was giving people epileptic seizures

wait what was that al

rocher thing

where al rocher

i listened to

it on opie and anthony it was pretty fucking funny

because opie and anthony were shitting on al rocher

because al rocher was making fun of epileptics

he said so if you’re

still watching

this if you’re not flopping around on the ground

you know and so he

starts making fun of it and then the next

day he comes back and says i was only making fun of

the ad i was

never making fun of epileptics

right which is

total bullshit

when you see this though it’s amazing that there’s not

fucking five warnings

on the dvd before you even

watch it cause

it’s so bad that it feels like you’re being fucking


would you remember that dude that we had on the message

board that his wife was epileptic and she

would watch certain avatars on people’s

screens they have

flashing avatars yeah

what was his name jim jim

he’s a nice guy i hung out with him he was

marilyn manson’s webmaster

right really fucking good dude yeah

i hung with him and his wife and his wife has some

weird condition

where she if she sees anything

flashing strobing

those little animated gift files that flat

she would just

tongue rolls back

eyes roll back in her head

falls onto the ground this movie

would make her pregnant

that’s how bad it is i mean

fuck is it with people that

certain things just make your

brain shut off

like flashes and

strokes i can

understand that

like if you see this

you’ll feel sick

in your stomach

when you see parts of this movie

you’ll have to turn away and

look at the ground for like but

is the movie good

the movie is the director

you’ll fall in love with the director the movie

is so good at the beginning and interesting and just

you’ll never

see anything like it in the trips the visuals if you’re

stoned when you see it

you might have a

panic attack i

watched it in 3d last night

and i was like i am

tripping right now i feel like i’m on acid

right now really it’s so good

then it just gets

boring and confusing and

don’t tell me

why and why

would i want to watch it

no no it’s it’s interesting

i mean it’s

still i like it but it just kind of fades off

after it gets

it’s really cool and then it kind of just kind of well

you and i don’t always

agree on movies there’s probably a few

movies that you

ever seen the

movie irreversible

what irreversible


no what’s that

about it’s a

movie played backwards

right and it’s notorious because there’s a five

minute rape

scene in it in a

tunnel which i

swear to god

the most brutal

thing i’ve ever seen in my life

and people’s online say it’s the

worst rape scene

ever you have to see it

so real this is a japanese

movie no it’s german or

some shit like that nice yeah they’re fucked up human

centipede not

not into that

not into watching people get raped

yeah yeah i

watched food ink the

other day great

and fucking

disturbing man i

watched it on the way home from west palm

beach florida

and it’s disturbing shit dude

when that lady

started talking

about her son dying

about her son got e coli

from jack in

the box burger and how he was suffering at the end

i had to shut it off

even in the 70s

jack in the box had a big controversy

where not only one person died but a

bunch of people died

yeah yeah from

their food dude food inc is

scary as fuck

you know and i’ve had some people

email me and

tweet me saying that well it’s not

really that bad it’s propaganda they’re just trying to

shock you but

how can they be trying to

shock you if they’re showing you reality

i mean if what they’re showing

exists on any level

it’s terrifying when they show

these cows that are caked in manure

and this one cow

there was a plastic ring and

his stomach was exposed

and they were

reaching into

his stomach

i’m like whoa what the fuck and how

about chickens man if you didn’t know i mean look

if you like your cheeseburgers and you like to go to

wendy’s two o’clock in the morning and i do too man

don’t watch this movie

it’s gonna fuck with

your head but this

these chickens they give

these chicken steroids and antibiotics and

all kinds of

things and they fuck with

their genetics somehow in

order to get them to grow

so ridiculously big and plump that they can’t walk

and they die

all the time they just fall down and die not foster

farms people make fun of like chinese people

yeah they have

those commercials

about how they plump them up and put salts and

stuff like that

and just make them really fat with like salt and

water and stuff

in foster farms that’s all

their whole advertising is

based on that so there are advertisers

based on they don’t use hormones right oh

okay well that’s good to know man

it’s good to know

it’s gotta be a

humane way to make food if it costs a couple bucks more

it’s worth it

i don’t know how much more it

would cost to not have cows

i’m down with eating meat okay

don’t get me wrong

but the way that they’re doing

the way they’re

producing meat for you know for fast food and for

it’s just it’s fucking

crazy it’s just

it’s totally beyond

being humane

it’s beyond that it’s gotten to this factory

consciousness less

you know like

just feelingless

place where they’re just

stuffing all

these animals in these

small areas and getting as much bang for

their buck as they can well they

make this food

like they make an ipod like it’s a factory system

right and if there’s no love or care or and it’s just

let’s make the product

that’s why people

make fun of chinese all the time for the

things that they eat

like if you ever

gonna do a chinese market

you can get anything

butterfly wings

or you know what i mean or you know what i mean

the shoulder of a meerkat or whatever

i mean like

don’t eat anything

but the thing is that americans eat way

worse right

with these cows you know i mean

just tainted meat

yeah you know i mean

people think that well also

first of all

china has a

billion people yeah

and it’s self sustainable

china doesn’t import food from anywhere else

right so that’s pretty

crazy yeah yeah even

of itself they’re able to feed a

billion people when you feed a billion people like that

you got to eat bugs

okay that’s what’s

gonna there is a restaurant and bank on

that person

animal dick that’s all they do and there’s a six

month waiting

list to get on into this restaurant what animal dick

bangkok how do you order that

i’d whisper

there was a anthony bourdain show

the other day

where they were serving animal dick soup

apparently it was really good

yeah it’s supposed to get your vural

wow yeah really and

check this out

that movie you

brought up irreversible whatever it’s called in

a movie i was talking about

same director

what is the fucking odds

of that shit dude really that is insane that’s insane

wow yeah yeah it was a good

movie this director i

might watch

your you’ll love

your reversible

though that’s

crazy but you’ll stop at that

was the five

minute rape

scene you’ll turn it off

well that was i was saying

i was so sad when i was

watching this

woman cry that

her son died from jack in the box was like

you know this is just bumming me the fuck

out i get it i get it i get the foods fucked up the

whole situations fucked up i don’t really need to keep

going here it’s just

it’s like what are you

gonna do though that’s the big question

you know the

problem with us is you know with everybody is

you’re always doing something you’re busy you’re hungry

what are you

gonna do there’s a

supermarket but you don’t have time

especially on the road

yeah especially i mean

that the waffle

house is open you’re like okay i have to go

there you know yeah yeah

the road gets creepy

yeah as far as the food choices go i always

bring vitamins with me i try to eat as much

salad and stuff on the road as possible but

yeah i don’t

understand how they don’t have

twenty four hour

restaurants in

small towns

all right if everyone

closes eleven it’s

like you can’t eat anything you have to go to the wall

i’ve been i’ve been to walmart

walmart’s at like

three in the morning

just getting like

fruit you know what i mean

like you know just

surviving yeah it’s insane food yeah

yeah if you go to

small towns there’s no 24

food yeah yeah that’s a

tricky thing

and you know you’re

staying at the holiday inn there’s no room service

yeah yeah i’ve been there something we talked

about a couple weeks ago came true

when we were talking

about how people’s jobs are getting

taken away by

robots and stuff like that i was at

el pollo loco

the other day

which is like a chicken mexican chicken

place and they had the

order yourself

kiosk up now

where you sit there at menu

screen like taco

special instructions no burrito

and then you pay for it like kind of like a grocery

store and then they just

call out your name

and give you

your food so i cut out the person cut out the cashier

and it’s actually nicer

it was so nice

cause you know a lot of times you order

but you don’t even

think like yeah i would like

extra tomatoes on this but

i don’t like how many times you’ve been in a fast food

place and you

talk it’s like

who there was a girl on rat tv that had a really

funny sketch about that

there was a girl on mad tv she’s very pretty

and she had a very

funny sketch

about a girl who was the

counter help but she was always like oh bon kuku

yeah that one

yeah yeah yeah angela who does that angela johnson

she’s very funny yeah she’s very funny yeah

that girl had a really

funny vietnamese

nail salon yeah that went

to yeah yeah

doesn’t that

bit have like 10 million hits or something on you yeah

she’s a sellout on the road

from that bit

she’s killing

it yeah yeah and how many minutes does she have

as an act 22 minutes

23 minutes i had

heard that she was a middle

and she was middling yeah and

crushing and filling

places and then the headliner

would go on

after him half the people

would leave

steve owes doing that now

really yeah

healing no he’s a

he was in new

york he hosted but now he’s closing but he

closes with thirty

which is fine well what you

should do is host

what guys should do if they’re not really

bring a bunch of good

comics on the road

and host you know i

watched charlie murphy

develop an act

from nowhere you

know i’ve met charlie two years into his his journey

you know and i

watched him as he was trying to put together his act

yeah charlie went

right to headlining

man yeah i know and it was fucking hard i bet

fucking you see that

thing on the con

line i’m getting booed

on stage yeah

yeah and it’s that room

mm hmm that room is so retarded

what room is that

oh no what what

here’s what i’m saying

black crowds no no that’s what i’m saying what do you

say that’s not exactly what i didn’t say that at all

so what did you say

just those kind of rooms are

fucking hard

difficult i

retarded was the

wrong word black

crowds shock the

sundays no not

crowds do there’s

two kind start failing

they’re not rooting for you to get back on your feet

what i’m saying is that i go on

i go on the road

right and i get

black people to come to my show

and they’re

legitimate fans right

and i love them dearly that’s not what i’m talking

about but there’s a

cultural thing

you know what i mean

when you go to a certain areas like

south philly or whatever

right and you do a show

and it’s all

black right

even in the lineup

and you had to perform

it’s the most difficult

situation ever

right for a guy like me

well you know it’s a different kind of

crowd and i

think the good thing

about those

crowds is that they don’t let you be indulgent

and they want your jokes to come quick

they wanna come

quick yeah they don’t they don’t

wanna wait around they’re also tonal

right you’re

told you can’t be monotone no

you gotta you know i mean

you know some

excitement attitude

total that’s

right you know me or whatever you know i mean

if i cause i now i’m like i used to be more

energetic now i just kind of talk like this because

can would be

more myself

and no not only that is because

no is because

it’s it’s pace

right you know when i

first started headlining

i wanted to do what i did as an opener

which is go out in gung

ho get them

you know what i mean as a headliner

and then fifteen minutes in you’re out

right you mean you just can’t

do that pace for

forty five minutes well you you gotta

first of all it’s not fun for the audience either you

gotta create a show

that’s like when you go to see a

movie it’s not

you know an opening gun

scene that lasts for ninety minutes and the

thing shuts off you like what the fuck did i just

watch yeah so now i

build you know i mean yeah but in

you have peaks and valleys yeah but in

black rooms

you can’t do that

you can’t do that

there’s no peeking

you just keep

hammering i just feel like you have to be like

earthquake and just

hammer it away

well he’s got to do it and what how long does

earthquake do 45

but he’s he’s if

he’s like perfect

45 sprinting uphill

ah shooting all the way

yeah yeah yeah like it’s not

throw your backpack back and

throwing lying your

and then once you lose them like in a

white room when you lose them you get them you

think i’ll get them back

right there’s no

getting black

crowds back yeah

wow i want to try it i want to try it

black you will die

you will die up there

son you will

get barbecued i did the most important

thing with black rooms is

economy of words

right as well and a

short attention span

you got to hammer them with bits i did

my black version

of my set once at

flappers in burbank

and it actually killed

it was like what do you mean the

black version

i just do it more like he said instead

of doing your jokes normal i kind of be like

i went to the

store the other day to get a hat

and my girlfriend

got the same one oh my

god kind of like it’s just

starting out

i see is he

just starting out

you know is he is he

or whatever his name is

a zoo a zoo

a zoo yeah aziz

and zari and zari

yeah it’s kind of like his his

whatever his character

is you know it’s kind of like that but it worked

no it worked

though that’s what i’m saying he hears phantom

laugh still

first of all i don’t even know

what flappers is

flappers and burbank is it good

who played it

never been there yeah i may

never play there i

heard it’s good it’s really it’s really nice i

heard it’s nice brand new

you’d like it yeah i just

know i just don’t do well in

those kind of things

what do you mean you don’t do well i don’t do good in

ha ha the ha ha

yeah why not

because i don’t know what it is it’s just because i

think what it is is because it’s free

oh the audience is

not paying to go there

that’s not what i’m saying

what i’m saying though is is that you’re doing this

free set no that’s not what i’m saying either what i’m

saying is there’s two types of audiences i feel okay

the one that’s

why i don’t comp when i do on the road go on the

road because of the fact that if you comp right

they just a general

feeling of like you know i mean it’s not a good show

yeah it’s not a good show

expect much exactly you know

me but when you have people pay

right people are respectful

yes you don’t have it as many hecklers you know

and i’m fine i don’t care who comes but the

thing is that haha

right they don’t

not only do they not pay you

but you have to pay for your drinks

right like can i get a red bull

they go three

dollars or whatever i’m like i’m playing it for free

yeah i mean

already there’s a sign

there’s a feeling

of disrespect now i don’t know what flappers is like

but i just don’t like that disrespect flowers

is a real club

okay it’s nice

i know what you’re talking

about though you

do you do some

fringe clubs that are used to dealing with open

micros and doing guys

doing great

shows yeah yeah that’s what it is when

you go and do a set there they don’t

they don’t treat you differently

well here’s a paid

season and i don’t need

dude i don’t need much all i need is this can i get a

drink for free

like a bottle of

water okay and

in town of course i’ll do a millions

free shows you know what i mean and

be respectful

isn’t it funny how

places like

that are just a little bit outside of the city

and they’re a different

world you know

it’s a different world but

crowd feels different yeah

when you do

north hollywood do you see races you’ve

never seen before like is that an

aztec indian

whatever you know i mean like i

think it’s died off or something

you know yeah it’s weird

where’s your favorite club to work out at

seattle seattle

comedy underground no

what place parlor live

parlor live what is that no

part of the

live is a new club there and it’s attached to

one of the microsoft

buildings yeah

yeah and it’s like

it’s a nightlife

if they have pool hall

dance club comedy club in one

how big is the little comedy

club it’s huge it’s like not but huge but 300

it’s 300 right

and it’s one of

those places

where i sell out is it

seattle yeah

it’s like it’s

a little outside of seattle but it’s like

15 minutes from the city right

and it’s called beaumont

okay okay and

literally it’s

clean like the

you know the the

stage is nice

you know what i mean

right the green room is

clean brand new couches

you know what i mean

right it is just a nice

nice environment

right you make a lot of

money you know what i mean and you like seattle

and yeah and the the kids

over the people that are in the audience

are nerdy they make money

right right

and they just they’re just

happy to be there

here i mean

it’s weird how

parts of the country are not hit by the economy and

other ones all that’s one of them

yeah when i was in west palm they were telling

me that no we didn’t really get hit by the economy

i know that’s

crazy because it’s all retirees

and old people with

money and i’m sure some people

from west palm were like fuck you we got hit yeah you

know but the club was like they didn’t really they

really didn’t suffer

yeah like kansas city i went

they suffered it feels like

there was a suffering that’s the kind of

place that works

yeah like iowa

yeah the whole

thing is so strange because i don’t

understand the economy so i’m always like okay well i

guess it’s better now

is it better now is it coming around it’s not

like my parents

for the last 35 years owned

their own clothing

store they had own

business you know it’s called

at first it was called fashion girl it’s a

clothing store for fat ethnic women

fashion girl yeah

cash fashion gal

fashion gal yeah

and so it’s like

cater to it’s like lane

bryant but for ethnics okay okay

and they did fine over the last 30 years and

as soon as the economy had

i mean they went bankrupt

you know i mean i have to pay for

their mortgage you know what i mean

and they are destitute

bam it is tough

they live in phoenix you know it’s

tough for them

and they had to fire

their whole

staff now they work and they’re in

their 70s whoa

where do they work now at that same

place at the

store that it’s called changes now

and they do

shifts like my mom will do the morning

shift my dad will come in

and there’s a bottle of there’s

literally a bottle of piss like a jug of piss

because they don’t have any employees

right so my dad has to piss

in a jug oh my god right

cause you can’t

leave you can’t

leave the store

oh my god and it

doesn’t have a bathroom there

no it’s in the mall

right oh my

god so it is sad what if he has to shit

he just holds it what

well unless it’s a turtle head situation he

could die he

could die he

should get a diaper

so everyone go to what’s it called again

what’s the name

changes she got everyone go to changes it’s in

arizona what

would point are

like it feel

like outside you the chandler or something fuck mesa

something like that

yeah that’s a

scary thing being an old person

you know when your body slowly

starting to fade away and you’re

still laboring

every day and by the way that takes years off your life

you know getting up before you want to working doing

things you don’t want to do all day

yeah but i told

my dad i go dad you don’t have to work i will

how much do they need what two twenty

five hundred

bucks three thousand a

month right

to get by right

maybe even less

right i said

you know i said

you know with the unemployment

social social security

retire and i’ll i’ll take that over the rest

those words you know

what my dad said what

if i don’t work i die

wow right so i go all

right keep working

cause i don’t want him to die you know good call

yeah but it’s sad because he

still got that ethic

that asian work

ethic man that’s

weird that they have to work that’s a trippy

thing he’s fucking crazy dude

yeah it’s a very

weird thing man dealing with people’s mortality and

parents it’s

weird when you realize

especially your parents get to a certain

point in time you

realize you probably have more information in your head

about the way the

world works and your parents do

cause your parents

grew up in a

totally different time

you know they

weren’t curious

when they were

young yeah fucking

it’s strange a strange

thing man it

yeah it’s actually kind of sad

it is yeah and it’s

gonna be you someday too

maybe you think you’ll have kids no

never no no no

you gonna get snipped

go doug’s tan

hope style no

no just hope

no because i masturbate so much

that what comes out is like vising drops yeah yeah yeah

like bloop bloop and it’s done

that’s it how many times a day you masturbating i do

now a couple times missing two eyes once

maybe how often do you use the

flashlight i

haven’t used it in six

months really you just go

use your hands instead

yeah what’s

wrong with you why

flashlight feels better

yeah but then i have to heat the oil

then i have to let it

cool then i have to let

it cool then i have to put the batteries in the back

speaking of sex there’s a fucking

there’s a story in the news today and

apparently it’s a legit

story there’s a man who’s suing

glaxos smith klein

the pharmaceutical company

and he’s alleging

that there’s a drug that they gave him to

treat parkinson’s disease

that turned him into a gay sex and gambling addict

at 51 years old

the guy it said the 51 year old’s lawyer says

their client’s behavior

changed radically

after his first

administered a drug in 2003 for the illness

which caused his tremors

blah blah blah

the man is a

married father of two

says he has attempted suicide

three times

claims he became addicted to internet gambling

losing the family savings and

stealing to feed his habit

he also became a compulsive

gay sex addict

and began exposing himself on the internet and

cross dressing

this risky sexual behavior

the risky sexual encounters led to him

being raped his lawyer said

his behavior stopped when he

stopped taking the drugs in 2005

by then he had been

demoted in his defense ministry job and suffering from

psychological trauma

resulting from his addictions

so he just went on a gay sex

gambling rampage

that’s not what happened though

no but listen man

you’re not right it’s not true

because i put this up on twitter and a

bunch of people who

neuropsychologists and a

bunch of different people are qualified

started sending me like i got like six or seven

tweets from people who

either studying it in

school or actually doctors in the

field and they were saying that it’s

a dopamine agonist i

think that’s the word yeah and that

it does facilitate addiction and it can

interrupt your natural

patterns no

i agree with that

all right but what i’m saying is that it does if

what if you have an addiction of

exposing yourself and doing gay sex

right that’s been hidden inside you for many years

so you think this was just it’s not

out of the yeah

out of the blue

what’s up i wanna suck

dick out of the blue he’s taking a

crazy drug no not out of the blue

maybe it seemed more

exciting to him

maybe it never like regular sex he’s

fifty one years old

maybe regular sex was god

so tired of getting laid

i mean think

about another 11 years for you you’re 40 years old

think about another 11 years from now

you’re like god i’m so

tired of pussy is so boring

and then somebody gives you

the drug you’re like why don’t you go suck some cock

and you’re like why don’t i suck some cock i made you

dress up like a girl

yeah i’ve heard this phenomenon

when people

are so jaded with sex like rock stars or whatever

or whatever that it

you don’t mean they get so

tired of it

it just turns into dick you know what i mean

well i don’t

agree with that either i

think dick was always in the

you know in the

picture yeah but i

think everybody’s got

their own little

story about how i mean there was a lot of


going on in the 70s

according to

many people

mick jagger and

david bowie

and lou reed all that

stuff yeah yeah

yeah but i think a lot of that was like

you know probably one

crafty gay dude talked all

these other

you know it’s just cool man yeah

yeah plus they’re all doing acid and

experimenting with

their consciousness and

you know it is like one of those

lost taboos

it’s like okay well let’s stop and look in the why is

gay sex such a

okay i agree

with this okay if you’re fucked up

like you’re faded you’re on you’re

drinking you’re almost in a blackout

drunk you know what i mean

and you’re with

david boy and you’re a big rock star

and dilly if

david boy pulls out his

penis right

he’s like suck

it you know i mean i don’t know why do you have to be

blacked out

drunk what i was just saying was

maybe they’re

experimenting with different ways of looking at the

world you know

maybe they’re

being an artist and being like

a rock star

being a creative person

there’s a lot of

people that are created people that are willing to take

weird chances and and do

weird things to

see what maybe i’m not saying there’s anything

wrong with it

so what do you say you

know i mean i you know i have gay people that represent

don’t go there stop but what i’m saying i’m not

racist i have

black friends no no okay

okay right you’re right

but what i’m saying is this

that i don’t have anything i know

against but you’re convinced

though that i’m

saying this is because of the pills

what i’m saying is that what’s this guy’s name

ted haggard

haggard right

just out of

the blue you know what i mean he does man he’s

never said out of the blue that he said he was gay the

whole time he

never said that he’s been doing

interviews recently

where he says he was bisexual the whole time

yeah he said

what his issue is he said

about it that’s what i’m saying though

but that’s not what

you’re saying you know what i’m saying that the guy

that he didn’t

okay but this guy that

never had an


encounter he hit it

yeah that’s what i would

think that bobby

what bobby’s saying is probably true too

like he probably had it in the back of his head yeah

and because of


right he just he just refuses

right to address it and

i agree that the pill

did something to open his mind up

maybe you know what i mean

but i feel like that instinct is there yeah that

is okay that is a possibility but why

would you want

to decide one way or another without being that guy why

would you even make a judgment call like how the fuck

could you know

what caused this

guy to do gay sex and once you go into his past and

interview him and

find out have

you ever been attracted to guys did you ever have a

wrestling match

where you got a boner

unless you why even

it is possible

if attraction and all

these different

things are really

neurochemical reactions that we have inside of our mind

or inside of our brain

if we figure out a way to

stimulate certain parts of the brain

look i mean

think about what we

can do as far as like antidepressants and all sorts of

things that affect

mood and neurochemistry

what if they can give you

something that makes you attracted to the opposite sex

what if they

can give you something that you’re gay and all of a

sudden you like girls

or give you something

where you’re heterosexual

they were trying to do that in iraq

they were trying to come out with a bomb the cia was

they actually put research and development into this

a gay bomb a bomb that they

would detonate

and it would be some sort of a chemical

agent that would go into the air

and it would make all

these soldiers become

rabidly attracted to each

other and they would lose

morale they

would just start fucking

but i even think i’m the

strongest of

ecstasy i never wanted to suck a dick

that’s some

ecstasy we’re not talking

about it i know but it

doesn’t seem

like any drugs

no no no any drugs

has a very specific

affection reaction but it

doesn’t make you sexually attracted to someone

it is possible that there

could be something

as strong as what excess

he does for you

in terms of affection and

sensitivity and feeling for

things and a loosening

of insecurities it’s very possible that something else

could do it

another way that all of a

sudden makes you gay

i mean if you

talk to a gay guy like we have gay friends and

you and i together

we have gay friends we

go to the gym and go see

bobby lee hey bobby

go watch musicals

when you talk to them they

never feel like there’s something

wrong with them

you know they feel pretty fucking normal so

what is it that separates

you know like

i can’t say

his name but the dude who’s our friends is the

piano guy from the store yeah

great fucking guy okay

so what is the difference between him and us

well the only difference is that he’s attracted to men

well what is

where is the

connection in his mind is it

a chemical door that gets open

is it a chromosome

thing is it a genetic

thing what is it

you know yeah

you know there’s a

theory there’s one

there’s a theory

about homosexuality

and one of the one of the more interesting theories

was they did a

study in rome

and what they

found is that when

women are promiscuous

especially like

habitually promiscuous

women that constantly

cheat on their men

they have a disproportionate amount of gay sons

and they believe

that what it is is a variation of the x chromosome

women have double x

chromosome men have x y

and they believe that there is a variation of the x

chromosome among certain

women that makes them

incredibly attracted to men

to the point

where literally

they can’t even fucking control themselves like

their their number one obsession

is getting new

dick they just want to get new dick all the time

and this gets

transferred into

their sons and

their son all the

sudden has this incredible

attraction to men wow totally makes

sense yeah because

haven’t you met girls like that

no you never met a girl that’s just a fucking freak

oh yeah yeah yeah

yeah we’ve all met girls that just

seemingly this poor girl’s broken

and she just can’t help fucking everybody yeah you know

but the only way to

truly find out

if this is true is for me to take that pill

and i’m not

gonna do it what

doesn’t exist but

i mean this drug

exists no by

the way this one

but here’s the

thing it’s one guy okay

how many people took it and it just cured

their parkinsons

that’s what i’m saying though

joe no no no but that

doesn’t mean

anything this guy is good no no no no no

listen it doesn’t mean anything because look

how many people are addicted to peanut butter i’m not

i just had peanut butter and i’m fine

if you give peanut butter

to a guy’s addicted to peanut butter he fucking dies

his throat closes up he can’t get any air in

there’s a biological variation in

human beings

and you have to take that into account what if

for this guy’s

for whatever and

weird tweak

he takes this

fucking drug and goes on a gay sex rampage you

might be totally right he

might be a freak

and he might be

just a loser

he lost all his

money and that’s why he’s suing this company okay how

about this how

about this how

about this can i say this

could be how

about this my

money is i take the pill let

some that guy

right i take the pill

i want a gay sex

get on the pill i go on a gay sex rampage

right right how

about me just not taking it ever again

well i’m like

it wasn’t just that i’m not taking the pill

again this guy also lost all his

money yeah and gambling i

think that he

hit his bottom don’t take the pill anymore

right well you you’re a

twelve step guy so you understand

about all that that shit with people in denial

about that shit yeah

you know i mean

it’s a weird

thing when you’re around people that are in denial

about what caused

their issues

right yeah and there’s also i know that doing drugs

and that kind of behavior isn’t the root of the problem

the root of the problem is something else

those are just symptoms

right but if a guy is

or has been shown to be a fine

upstanding human being

i mean i don’t know

this guy’s history that’s the problem with having this

stupid argument

or this conversation rather

when you lose that much

money in gambling

immediately that’s a red

flag to me like okay this guy’s probably but it wasn’t

until after he became

gone on the

medication they

started gambling

apparently he didn’t gamble before that

gamblers are

often you know

they tell the truth

i don’t have a problem with gambling but i easily

could have i was terrified of it

when i used to play pool

and i used to be around a lot of gambling addicts

i was around a lot of them guys

and i see them and i

would say this is

scary shit whatever

you obviously gambling is fun

and it becomes too much of an addiction to

these people whatever it

is don’t don’t do whatever the fuck they’re doing can

i tell you just what happened with gambling i was in

for a lot early improv

yeah and i put five dollars in machine okay

and i i pressed book

i was a nickels the hard rock

casino hard rock right

and all of a sudden

the things went crazy

you know me just

crazy i don’t even know what happened

i got a combination of something right

then all of a

sudden like people are surrounding me

right like people are back at me

what the fuck who are

these people

just other people

watching i had a jackpot

so you worried someone’s

gonna jack you know i’m just sitting there

going and i got

smile turning around

like oh yeah

this is great right

and then the lady comes

cause it says

and i press

you know could you get a ticket

right they go you can’t get a

ticket because

you know it’s so much

money that they

gonna have to

give it to you right nice

lady comes up to me she goes

congratulations i go thank you

and they go um

so can i just see your id i give

her the idea and she goes i can’t give you the money

i go why because your

license is two

months expired

which is it is

so i go no i want my fucking money

we can’t give it to you i went to the top

indian chief

like a council number and i argued with them two

hours later

i’m an officer

i you know i go i played the improv here

you know i expect

every room they come here to gamble right

right mine’s two

months expired you can’t give me a fucking my

not that i need the money

how much the

idea that i’ve never

it was only two thousand dollars

okay but the

idea that i won a jackpot and they won’t give me the

money that’s

against the law no it’s an irs thing

you need a valid

app because

you just said

hold my money

i’ll go get my

license renewed and be back tomorrow no

i live in la dude

right yeah it cost you 2 000

but when the casinos

like hold your seat no

no i got you know

i gave them my number i go

work it out with

their counsel

they have to go back

you know what i mean

and they never called me i couldn’t get my money

and i was so fucking mad

i’m still upset

about it now kinda

well they had an opportunity

to fuck you and they took it that’s what it is

wow yeah but it’s that’s so fucked up it is fucked up

that’s not seen

legal casinos

aren’t in the paying out business they’re in the

ugam that’s

losing i know but here’s the

point though i go there every year

know me like i go to the front door

the the desk

right everyone loves me

bobby’s back you know i mean like i

i know that people come

gamble at the casino

right after my shows

right i feel like

i’ve provided a service for this fucking

they can’t fucking

you know mean

one little clause

well look through it

well now you

understand the true nature

of your relationship with them they don’t give a fuck

about you that’s the nature

of the relationship by the way with fucking virtually

every casino and player

you know the bottom line is

the the player is a is a mark

and that’s what it is and the mark

it’s just like

you know you let him win a little bit

let him get

a little bit make him feel like he’s got something

going on you cop him a room hey you want a nice meal

yes and even though we lost some

money we had a nice meal we went to see a show

you know the

contest went to see the fucking the lion king yeah

and that’s what happens man yeah but the bottom line is

those fucking like go to

these gigantic

places like the venetian or the bellagio

fucking huge fountains and shit who’s paying for that

who’s paying for that yeah

we are yeah yeah you’re paying for that by losing right

but what i’m saying is that if i

would have won

like a bigger jackpot like two million dollars

i don’t know what i

would have done yeah like i would have

physically assaulted an american indian holy fuck man

i would litter for the rest of my life make them cry

i would have

freaked out about that

i would have

yeah that’s an

issue man i

would still be

fighting that

whole thing yeah

your 2009 i live through it but no what you should

start doing is doing a bit

about it on

stage yeah well yeah yeah that’s a bit

yeah there’s

a funny bit

in there something in there come on man there’s a

funny bit in that

you know because

but i’m so angry

they can take your fucking money

they had no problem with you gambling yeah so

you’re risking your

money but you can’t get a

you know what you

should have done you

should have got

wait did he

print out a 2 000

ticket or you know because here’s

what it is okay if you win you know at a slot machine

right out you get a

ticket right

anything other over 1200 right

that you win

is considered a jackpot

okay so they have to come out so then they have to

fill out irs forms into this that if i just would have

let made less than 8 800

less then i

would have been able to take my money

jesus christ

and then you know what i

would i mean i

would have had a good time i would have

spent it at the casino anyway

they would have had it in the end

then i would

have gone to a higher machine you know what i mean

i just want a good time

or put it back in the community

yeah or something like that

i always want to say it like that

the community

it’s fucked up what is it

about black people

that they say community like that they see a lot of

things we look like

yeah but that’s a big one community community

put it back in the community yeah they say that yeah

so so what happened

so there’s no way you can get this

money back to this is gone you’re

writing it off as a loss you got to do a bit about this

brown yeah i will but the

thing is is that

i called joel

how can he help you

well he owns the improv

right he has

a relationship with the hard one what did they say

joseph there’s nothing i can do

yeah man and i’m like but it just

doesn’t make any

sense because they know me

doesn’t matter they don’t give a fuck

about you now at

least you know

what the deal is oh i know what the deal is now

well you know

it’s also probably a rule that they can’t circumvent

i mean who you’re talking to is probably a guy who’s

going by corporate bylines and this is the rules

person doesn’t have a

driver’s license

i mean even though they know you they have to

kinda assume like who the fuck you

know if you can’t

write down a

valid driver’s

license in the receipt

so that you can get taxed on it it just seems that they

should be able to hold it for you

like it seems like yeah you won

you have credit

2 000 credit you come back here with your license

we’ll give you the fucking

money but until then

we’re holding it for you

yeah it seems like that’s what casinos do anyways

cause they have

you know you go there like your jay z and

stuff like that you have like a

you know like almost a bank account with

these people your jay z

do you know what i thought

you know what i mean yeah you know what i

so i bet you can get your 2 000 no

i googled i

googled my name

googled your name in

front of them

like an asshole

oh did you really yeah i go listen i play this place

i’m a headliner

right googled your name yeah

and there was a

computer there

and i google

right and it went to my wikipedia page

right i went to my wikipedia i go

here’s my picture

here’s my birthday

i mean i’m almost forty

right you know i mean

because i had no idea

what i don’t know what else to do

right right but they say

we don’t give a shit

they didn’t care no hmm

sounds like

a scam to me and news is in

who’s telling

you this who’s the person saying it some american

india with beads in his hair you know what i mean

and he was upset at you or no it was just

basically just really cool

about him just like

i know who you are

i’m so sorry

these are the rules

well i guess

those are the rules

here’s the rules now you gotta

write a bit

about it i’m going to

yeah you have to i’m gonna

make a 2 000 bet

makes me so fucking mad

that makes me mad

i don’t need the

money i just it’s just the principle of yeah

absolutely you mean i made i did it

yeah but it does make

sense i mean it does make

sense that they can’t they can’t hook you up kind to me

doesn’t it not to me no it

doesn’t make

sense because joe if i work

i basically

work for that casino

sort of you work for joel

i work for joel

but he has a

relationship with them and it’s not like i don’t

play there every week you know i mean

you just sort of rents there

right he does rent

a rule you rent the rooms there

but you you

understand what i’m saying it’s like in a

sense i give them business

right you know i mean do you like

going on the road do you dig it

in some places yes some of them are

like i want to kill myself

for a long time you didn’t go on i refuse to do it

yeah because remember when we were back in

when i was doing the

store we would talk

about it all the time you

weren’t going i refuse to do it

and then we were somewhere recently like i

think it was san jose

and they would say yeah

bobby lee was just here pack the

place yeah yeah i was like damn

bobby lee that’s the only

that’s the only reason

now i go because when i used to go the road before

no one would come

right what changed that

don’t know it was

it well here’s what it was i

would go to a

market now what my

thing is is i go to a market

first and at first

they don’t really

know me or if they do they don’t know that i do

stand up right

right so i do a weekend

for pretty much for free they give you a guarantee

right right

and then the

second time back

it’s always better because i know that i deliver and

right you know what i mean

my show is good you know what i mean

and so the people that saw you they come to you they

bring more people than the

radio i love

radio well you come back like if you

say you do a gig how long before you come back a year

a year yeah

yeah and how much of your material will be new

in that year

maybe and i’ll be honest with you not as much as

maybe the next guy but

about 10 15 minutes

10 15 must be

new in a year really

yeah because i’m not that prolific

really but the

thing is here’s the good

thing is is that

a lot of my

stuff now is improvised like

i have moments of just playing with the audience yeah

a lot of that

right and also my

thing is there’s an element of

crazy in my show where

i usually go in the audience and i do

crazy shit like what

like you know

like if somebody will get up to go to the bathroom i’ll

chase them out of the room

and follow them

to the bathroom really yeah and then i’ll yeah

while the audience is

they love it

yeah yeah i mean and i’ll

pull my pants down i’ll be my

underwear i’ll

fall them into the bathroom have you ever gotten in

trouble for pulling your

pants down at

yeah i did this one

thing where a guy i wanted to give a guy a lap dance so

he came on stage

and you know and

the music was playing and i got were you on parkinson’s

medication no

and i got naked and i had a sack

come out and you can tell that this guy was extremely

homophobic really right

so there was the

music’s playing and i jump on top of them

oh by literally

sitting on the stool

he literally picked my body

and threw me

to the ground

you know what i mean

and i hit the ground you know me on my back

and i got knocked conscious for like a

split second

you know you hear

like stars did you hit your head no

but i heard wee wee

so what hit that made you see stars like that

i hit my back and my head

maybe a little bit

maybe your head

a little yeah but i also took the wind out of my body

right okay right so i

hit wee wee

right you like

jack yeah i got jack

and i jumped on top

you jumped on

him yeah because

you do that because nothing

he that he just took it because

the thing got a

laugh when he

threw me off of me

he got a laugh he got a

laugh so he

enjoyed it and i

stood back out and

i looked in his eyes

and he kinda went

he kinda liked the

laugh right so i did it

again right

cause he got addicted to the laugh

right because at

first it was hatred

right like get off me gook

you know kind of

whoa i don’t know that’s what he said

you know what i mean but if he

dropped it that’s what he

said but in the eyes i can tell that there was

get off me goop

so that when i

fell down we connected and i’m like okay i can do it

again wow like a sense

right a sense

that’s the worst

thing that’s around that’s a

weird thing

right when you’re

ad libbing with someone you don’t know exactly

where this is

gonna go that’s

exciting you know it’s fun

right yeah it’s

exciting well

it’s also to you and i both came up in the

store and the

store we’ve talked

about this so many times in the podcast the

store for all its terrible qualities

the best thing

about it is the fact that no one was paying attention

ever there’s no

crowd control there’s no one

the comics are forced to take care of

audiences themselves and sometimes you just deal with

incredibly hostile audiences

yeah yeah i’ve

never worked at a club consistently

where there’s more insane shit happening

and people say like i hear

other comments go yeah this

tough room is tough

i go you don’t know

not you don’t even know what you’re talking

about yeah yeah

yeah they don’t even know if they

work the store like there’s so many people that like

to go yeah the

place is evil i know i don’t do the

store the store is evil

it is yes it is

but i would

say evil not there’s just

there’s some there’s a quality of evil to it i

think that quality

is because the fact that it’s searose

nightclub the fact that it was

bugsy seagulls

place you can’t get

past the fact that people were murdered in that place

yeah but it’s also has to do with the

color of the building

yeah i really

believe you know how they

say you can’t

paint your walls in your bedroom red like

blood red because psychologically it’s not good for you

you know that

it makes you

angry it makes you

angry like silver too i try to

paint my room silver ones

and they go it’s not because you’ll feel like you’re

trapped in a

you know main

spaceship i feel like

black you know like in a cage

i don’t know what it does i was

thinking of

painting these walls

black no you

think it’d be

okay for a podcast

i would perfect

see this is the

color what walls but

these are neutral

colors yeah

these are nice relaxing i

feel very good

right now do you feel good yeah i feel like this is the

color i’m gonna

leave it here just for you bro like

like coffee it took

so long to get you on the podcast i’m

gonna leave

these and the reason why that was the case

right oh no no i know it was because i just was

yeah things

going on you know right

dude just look

i’m as flaky as the next guy but the

store why don’t you come back

come back where the

store no never

never i can’t why

because i like the improv better

and there’s no negativity there

the improv everyone’s

so super courteous though the

staff there are so friendly and and

thankful and kind

for years he dealt with at the store

them pretending that the

store was the star and you were

lucky to work there you were

lucky to help out no matter what you did you could

never do enough it was an energy when you were there

no i’m not even i

bring it everywhere else

i know but i’m saying that i’m

because i used to either go up before

after you in the

studio right

it was hard to go up

after you but it sometimes it

would put me up after you

but there was

still an energy in the

or i swear to god

that’s different

than it is now not that that we don’t get an audience

but it’s a different kind of vibe

you know well i was

bringing yeah

my specific

thoughts on comedy

my specific thoughts on life is let’s have fun

let’s not take

things so fucking seriously let’s

look at all this shit but let’s be nice to each other

and let’s have a good fucking time yeah yeah

that’s why one of the reasons why whenever anything

crazy would happen at the

store i would always make it a big

point to buy everyone in the audience a drink

yeah you know

when i kick somebody out

i mean i did that out

like a dozen times yeah yeah yeah

i would kick people out and then i

would spend

thousands of dollars

buying 300 people drinks

you know yeah yeah yeah

but that’s but what why

did you why did you

leave in the

first place

because it’s not it’s not mitzi sure’s club anymore

see the whole

thing that happened was when the monsea

shit went down i called mitzi

who’s the owner of the club

and mitzi and i

about a relationship way back to 1994 when i

first met her when i

first came to hollywood and

to me she was

the queen of comedy

man the comedy

store was mecca to me

to me it was more important and this is not bullshit

to get past as a paid regular at the

store than it was the fact that i was on a sitcom

in california

i was on the sitcom and i was like

acting sucks

you know is a lot of

money i was making all this

money but i’m like i’m a fucking paid regular at the

store like holy shit

i couldn’t believe i was there i mean this is where

richard pryor had

started out and

david letterman

was there and kennison was there and all these

hicks had worked there for a while

so to me it was like all this history

so i mean not only had i worked there for free for all

those years

where i was on

fear factor

they put my name up on the marquee

it would say you know fear factor

is joe rogan

pack the place we

would promote

it on myspace

and to me it was just

i was just it was a workout room

i would get to fuck around and stay sharp do

a long set each friday and saturday

night so when i

would go on the road i always had material

i could still do specials and

still do fear factor at

the same time so it was a perfect situation for me and

i could help the

store i worked for free

and as a matter of fact even

money that they

owed me from years ago

i paid it back in the form of a tax free donation

and then i paid for the

whole sound

system into play yeah yeah you did i took out the

speakers i put in

a cd r burner

and a fucking

dat player and new

microphones and new

chords a whole deal right

and then when this

whole thing happened with monsea

which they knew

for the longest

time what he was doing everybody knew what he was doing

but they were making

money off of it so they turned a

blind eye towards comedy

what i’ve always said was that

if you’re in the business

if you’re an

agent or if you’re a manager

or if you’re a club owner

you’re selling art

that’s what you’re doing

and when you got one person who’s

stealing the art of the people that you’re selling

and then selling it again

that’s what he’s doing it’s like

he’s cannibalizing

you have to put a foot down and stop that

and if you don’t if you say

crazy shit like well

you know it’s business and he’s making a lot of money

well then you

clearly are not on the side of the art

form that you actually make your living selling right

so when all the shit went down i called

mitzia but i to let her know that

you know brian made this

crazy fucking

video and it’s

about to go out and it’s ugly

and i told her i go the guy’s a

problem we’ve had problems with him for years and we’re

gonna put this

video out she goes

okay well just keep away from them

just don’t don’t get

crazy i go man

see i’m never

gonna hurt him i go i’m not

gonna do anything crazy

okay do you

wanna go up tonight

i go yeah she goes what time

yeah whenever you

wanna put me up she goes okay ten o’clock

alright thank you miss you love you i love you too

that was the last word i ever

spoke to her okay

i get off the

phone with her

they call tommy calls me an hour

later and tells me i’m banned

so i why so i go what are you talking

about i go i just talked to mitzi

and hit this stuttering cocksuckers i go oh

whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa

whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa

man man man

man manci’s uh

confused manci

doesn’t know the fact

so it to me it was very

clear that there was like some situation

mitzi was no

longer making the decisions it was no longer her club

so there was

some other people whoever the fuck they are

tommy was at the mouthpiece

of whoever the fuck was making the decision and

clearly they had made a decision to go and

have mensea

headlined that weekend

and make a big deal out of it and he was on the radio

it was like for him to try to save face

and then have me banned

and so i said i’m

never coming back

i’ll tell you this

right now this is it i’m

never coming back

and so that was years ago and i’ve

never come back

but i it was

the best thing for me because

after i left there and then i

started working out at the improv my god

it’s so friendly here yeah

yeah the vibe is so much better yeah everyone’s

happy there the managers are

happy the comics are all it’s like it’s a cool bar area

where everybody hangs out

yeah and then i

started doing sals and

more recently and just

you know what man i

just realized that there’s comedy clubs out there that

appreciate comics

those are the only people that

you should hang out with i’m

thankful for my time at the store

i learned a lot there i

learned a lot about

hecklers and dealing bullshit and i

learned a lot

about i just

learned a lot

about the business from this whole

thing that happened

from getting fucked over

so for me it was

it was the best

thing the americas got better

tommy didn’t go to anybody by the way

i think it was all him yeah i

mean tommy and i

whatever i mean

i’m a regular there i get spots anytime i want to and

tommy is a friend i’ve

never called them awful

the job i call him for

spots i mean

but i know that he makes decisions

i’m sure he does but not that one

i don’t believe that

you know i don’t believe or he

or this happened

he went to mitsy

and he he didn’t go to

mitsy he didn’t talk to her at all i know for a fact so

who was when

he talked to somebody else who the fuck it was

whether it’s paulie or

peter or whoever the fuck is

wrong maybe peter

whoever the fuck it is

might have been

peter i don’t know who it is i have no idea

i don’t know i didn’t ask i didn’t care

and ever since then have they called you

no oh he sent me one

ridiculous letter i saved it

it’s hilarious

the most one sided fucking letter ever talking about

don’t destroy the

store build it up and like

you cunts i

worked there for free for fucking years yeah

and then they

would always say like everybody works for free

no not that

everybody doesn’t do what i did everybody

doesn’t put

their name in the marquee

and pump it up on myspace let me tell you

la jolla i’m

gonna tell you

about la jolla you know i

started in that room right

i go there six years ago

five i haven’t played there in six years right okay

six years ago i call them the la jolla i go

can i go up

cause i’m gonna go down to

visit a friend

right they’re like yeah sure

so i drive down there

i show up at the club and

the manager goes you can’t go up in la jolla

and i go why

because well there’s an all girls show

and they’re from la

and they don’t want to put you up

like who is it they go le lisa

sunset people have

never heard of

right right

so i just drove down here they said i

could go up i’m from this

i fucking built that

stage literally

me and freddy soda when they gutted the

place you hammered and

we hammered in

nails and shit like that

so fuck you i’m

going up you’re not

going up i’ll go

blast right no

i go i’m up i’ll

never play her again

he does fine

he does fine

haven’t played it since

wow you know man

that’s disrespect that’s a totally different situation

and i totally see your side of it i totally do

and the girls if they really wanted

to do their show

and then have you go on last

how you going

afterwards you know that’s what adds i go

wait i don’t give a fuck

you know me some people

some people don’t like that though they

think that you’re gonna

show them up you know

there was forty

people there

joe it wasn’t like it

was sold out you know it

doesn’t matter to them

those forty people there to see them

and if they know

if they do mediocre

they know you’re

gonna crush

and you go on

after them so it’s like you know

let me tell

you something dude it’s like i’m from that room

right right and i

started when were fred burns

sure yeah back when fred was running it

did fred die he died

what happened

um you know he

you know he had spinal bifida

yeah and his parents

were still alive and they took him on a cruise

like a cruise to go to the baja

i don’t know

where they went right

and they told fred one

night they go fred

um we’ll meet you down here at eight

for breakfast

fred burns goes all

right you know

and he never showed up to breakfast

and they opened up his room and he was dead wow just i

failure yeah failure

heart failure

body failure whatever it was

it’s awful that was he was a interesting guy he got

fired right for something no nothing nothing

but the family is

crazy man i mean

look i got no ill feelings for the

store i think it’s

one of the most interesting clubs in the country and i

think i learned a lot doing

stand up there but

the whole point of the

whole situation the

whole point of the

whole mensia


was supposedly to create a better environment to

stop someone who was


other comedians

and when the

club supports that you can’t support the club anymore

you know if the club supports that

it’s not a gray

it wasn’t a gray area everybody knew what was

going on i know

everybody complained for years and years so

that decision the decision they made was like the worst

possible decision

so there’s no way i

could go back there yeah

i mean it just

sucks the fact that like you know like bill burr

will show up and if mensee

is there he won’t go up yeah i mean

those little

things you know i mean that

could fuck up

you know i love the

store you know it’s like home you

could go up

right in front of minsea now it

doesn’t matter now he’s

toothless now he’s just

he’s got no claws well it’s all it’s all over so sad

did you see the i am comic

what he said in that

movie no you

gotta see that that will open your mind

or open your eyes

dude i just fucked up listen

i just did a benefit with him a

month a month ago

your mean for the police the police force

right you know i mean

and you know i all the long as i’ve known

carlos he has

never did drugs or

drank that’s a big thing

i don’t need it you know i mean right

natural high right

now it’s like

you know smoking pot

you know i mean

that’ll probably help him

yeah maybe maybe

he’s just i can just tell he’s sad

yeah your man well it’s

and as a friend can’t victimize

a friend you know you watch it and it’s it’s just

i always try to play

call of duty with him on xbox because i feel bad

i always send him a friend

you feel bad so you want to kill him

yeah fuck up

listen man the positive aspects of working at the

store were so true

i mean i know what you say i just

think you should i

think you should just do it one

night or something no

i can’t do it please it’ll

never be the same

again how do you know

cause it’ll never be

what it used to be what it used to be was a lot of fun

it was used to be we look

there was a long time

where i was at the

store with a

store felt like

it did not have the environment that i envisioned

i always envisioned it being like i said comedy mecca

i was envisioned there’s all these

great comics are

gonna perform there and this is

great environment

and then for a long time when i was there in like the

early 90s you know it wasn’t like that

should i say

i would tell defend it in a sense okay

since you left

it has changed

in this sense okay

we’re getting a lot more new york guys on the list

right so you have bill burr

david off you know

all these new york guys

that moved here okay

sarah silverman was there yeah and the lineups like

the other night but who was it

rock and chappelle did they go up but they showed up

right it’s a different new york vibe

and what i’m saying

is this okay from two years ago that you were there

carlos never goes it’s not carlos man

but it’s people

who run the club i know it’s time whoever is running

club is the same people run in the club

i know tommy said some

stupid shit to

brian just the

other day when he went there and he called me a fag

tommy tommy’s retarded

he’s a ding dong

that dude it was always

gonna be what he is you know

i know it’s not this

what a comedy

store is is an idea okay

the idea is that there’s this this mecca

of comedy where everybody’s hanging out

crazy be like like that back

porch area yeah back parking lot

how much fucking fun did we have back there so much

craziness and hilarity

the greatest moments of my life have been

hilarious moments yeah yeah

just always everybody was doing something

funny joey diaz has got his fucking pants down

it was crazy

always something

chaos and then

there’s always

crazy people coming back there and hanging out with

us and you don’t even know

the fuck they are and who’s this guy’s guys nuts and he

thinks he’s a

angel and yeah

dress up as

jesus that hangs out there

jesus yeah the

cross the walks down down

sunset with

the fucking cross

like colonel sanders have you seen that yeah

that guy’s like

colonel sanders yeah

that jesus and him together

are always the best combo

and they’re

getting an argument you’re like what are they

fighting about

the lord are

just crazier

yeah yeah yeah

that place is

awesome you know and but the idea of what the comedy

story is you

bring that everywhere with you man i bring that

everywhere on the road i

bring that everywhere

where i do stand up

sal’s is a perfect example what is

sal’s comedy hole

is this new

place that opened up on melrose is a guy from new york

he had a place on la brea

for a while but they had like a

liquor license

issue and now he reopened a new place

the fucking guy is

great he’s got open mics like almost

every night

super supportive of comedians

just wants people

to calm down he’s always trying to feed you give you

drinks and he’s

super consistently nice

really nice guy who loves comedy

and he’s running

and he’s trying to make a good comedy club okay

and because of that

comics are flocking to this

place diaz does it all the time

ari does it

brian does it all the time

really tonight his show

will have at

least 50 60

comics wanting to go up at their

eight o’clock show at

night really do i have to show kiss to become a regular

id no no just

show up or i’ll call them yeah all right

you don’t have to do anything

and he’ll just

hook you up man you got me he’ll give you a door deal

you can pack the

place yeah yeah it’s super

sweet that’s why

i like to need

a new room maybe

when you go to the improv

and you go to

places like south

you realize okay well there’s

places that don’t have this

crazy attitude that

the place is the star

you know like

tommy always had this attitude that the store

is the star and so did

remember who’s the guy

who fucking

who used to run it

scott day remember

scott i love

scott day yeah

and duncan was the

people don’t realize this i was duncan

trussell our boy

was the talent manager for

the longest time

and he had to quit

because he didn’t want to be on pauly

shore’s reality show

yeah yeah they wanted to put it on the reality

show and it was

so fun it was like

what the improv

doesn’t have though that the

store has is that wild west vibe

you know what i mean

and that create

no because it’s like you can’t go over the light

you know what

i mean there’s rules and that so you can’t

run across the

place in my

underwear if i want to

you know what i mean

but at the store there’s always

still that vibe of like anything can happen

you know what i

mean so you

missed that

yes yes i do miss

that but that’s

everywhere the joey

diaz is and you

bring joey diaz

that vibe comes with us

on the road

so what i’m doing this weekend by the way

mandalay bay theater it’s almost sold out so

if you’re gonna get tickets

jump on that shit now

there’s not that much left and

the houston i mean it’s friday we will don’t totally

it’s friday night

february 4th

which is the

night before the ufc

and it’s at

mandalay bay

which is where the

ufc is so it’s

gonna be fucking

crazy if you want tickets you

gotta jump on it now

and it’s joey

diaz and ari

shafir so it’s

the full death

squad roster

and bobby lee

is gonna be at the houston improv

that weekend too the same weekend

february 4th and 5th and 6th yeah

sunday too is it not this weekend is it

this weekend this weekend coming up no the next weekend

after that oh

next weekend so what is that 11th

something like that yeah

let’s find out exactly so

people don’t go crazy

we don’t want to

i came to see your

show and you were not there bobby lee

you are my favorite

your droid did you just turn it on yeah

sorry is uh

are you happy with the drawing

no that purchase

check out this new camera the eleventh

twelveth and thirteenth

bobby lee’s friday saturday and sunday and uh


which is monday oh

bam you doing valentine’s day in houston

which by the

way i love houston i’m coming back i fucking

swear to god

i know i haven’t been

there in forever we’re trying to work out a deal uh

the problem was

i don’t want to do any shows

where people have to stand up

and i was doing the

house of blues

and the house of blues they wanted

they wanted i

think it’s like 600 people

standing and 600 people seated no

i’m like that’s

crazy i did that in

vegas i’ve done it in vegas a

bunch of times and the problem it becomes the bar

just it becomes filled with people talking

there’s way too many people there and everyone’s

drunk and no one knows how to fucking

whisper and it becomes

chaos yeah and so

i went to see one of doug stanhope shows

where i had a stand

and i was like no more

standing because i

watched as an audience

member i went this isn’t fun it hurts your feet

you have to act

it up and shit

so i had a bunch of deals

where i was supposed to do the houston area but

every time we ran into this fucking

standing roadblock at theaters we ran into it

so i’m just

gonna go to the comedy club so the improv

we’re working it out we’re

gonna figure that shit out

anyway one more time

friday night february 4th

mandalay bay theater

me joey diaz and ari

shafir the next weekend

the 11th 12th and the 13th and valentine’s day

bobby lee will be at

the houston improv

it’s a very nice club too

it’s brand new now it’s

sweet right yeah they just redid it yeah they redid it

shakalaka motherfucker

so that’s the deal and then the weekend after that

i’m at the brea

improv that’s the 18th 19th and 20th and

we’re gonna get

brian really high and make him go on

stage every

night so big

he forgets his material

that’s one of my favorite new

things to do

you gonna trial by fire son

you did good this weekend he did real good this weekend

seven minutes

you probably fucking killed for four you got a

solid four minutes of bits in there

you’re doing all

right kid you

out there hustling no he just goes out

does a guest by

throws is fucking

getting tossed to the lions so that’s the

18th 19th and 20th

is the brea

improv of february

and then the weekend

after that i’m in fuck

you can go to joehogan

net and read all this shit yourself bitches

this thursday

i’m trying to get ari and joey i’m not sure if i can

if not maybe

brian callan or someone else

but there’ll

definitely be a show

on thursday we’re

figuring out who the fuck’s

gonna do it but friday

night is the show so it’d be nice if we and then

thursday night ari has a show that i’m

gonna be on as well

at the improv

that’s his storyteller show

so that’s it

bobby lee thank you very

much that was

fun you’re the fucking shit

my friend for many many years

and i love you totally fine happier here

thank you to the

flashlight go to

joe rogan dot net

click on the link

enter in the code name

rogan and you get 15 off

your masturbatory

utensil all

right bitches

you know i love you

i’ll see you in a couple days all right

thanks for all the support

for everything for

everything you

motherfuckers you

make life a

dream mwah bye

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