The Joe Rogan Experience #79 - Jon Lajoie

i can’t afford a car i use public transportation

i don’t mind i read till i reach my destination

the amount of

money i saved

the shit is off the hook

and i’m not very good with the women

i’m a pretty shy person and i’m

average looking last time i had sex was in two thousand

three and i’m ashamed to admit

but it wasn’t free

i’m just a regular

everyday normal guy

i get nervous in social situations

motherfucker i’m just a regular

everyday normal guy

and i make pretty good spaghetti sauce mother

everyday normal guy

and i get scared when i go see the dentist

does it oh no you didn’t

the poly shore of everyday life oh dude

so worried i’m gonna meet him he doesn’t know

about it no i know he doesn’t cause he has

buddy i’m too busy

she called my manager wanted me to do

something like his

specially was doing i’m like he does not know

he’s never heard anything i’ve done

i just want to because you’re becoming famous

we are joined on the podcast today by jean lajoie

that is the correct pronunciation sir i got it

right thank you

sounds sexy fantastic comedian from montreal canada

montreal canada one of my favorite cities in the world

before we even get started we are

sponsored by the flashlight if you go to joerogane

net and enter in the code name

rogan you get 15 off

you ever used one of those things by

you know what i’m gonna be weird i’ve used like

i don’t know if it’s a competitor

thing like i

haven’t but but no how could you know any bird i

mean how could you

not know if you guys have one for me

definitely i’d love to fuck it too but

i love that

shit well this one

has been around and everybody’s been fingering it

since the beginning of the year so we’re

gonna have to get you a

new one no i’ll take that one you sure you want it it’s

the butthole

version bro okay

good you don’t

want to be caught at home with the butthole version

at least you caught with the vagina

version it’s like yeah you’re a pervert but you know

whatever if

you just run around just why it’s just tighter

that’s better robert

butthole better

right tighter

girls are better just what what it represents man

represents girls buttholes you

wanna fuck girls in the butt so bad you

have a fake one

and not even like the rest of

the girl attached to it you don’t even have a fake body

you just have the fake butthole

you just stuff

it in that fake butthole like some fucking fiend

some butt sex fiend

oh way to sell em man

way to sell em

it’s a fucking fantastic

thing though here i know i can

imagine you say

what it feels like put your fingers this one no one

has had sex with a couple dudes have fingered it yeah

yeah i think

eddie bravo

might have licked his

finger before he

stuck it in there

oh yeah i did

weird right dude i’m not looking

good i would

fuck like i don’t care like

what’s sadder me fucking this sort of fucking my hands

and shit yeah exactly

it’s a weird

thing though

it’s most certainly

absolutely embarrassing

it’s embarrassing to a lot of people i

think buying it

would be the

worst but now you can get online which is

awesome but you know it’s like they only get you

with stuff like

that if you get embarrassed by it then it becomes a

shameful thing

like if someone comes in my office and goes

what do you

fuck this thing do

you fuck this

thing i’d be like yeah

yeah yeah i fuck it like what do you care

you know you can’t get me with that

but to a lot of people

you say to them hey what are you fucking that tube over

there and they get red and they feel like a loser and

i can’t let

other motherfuckers

define you ladies and gentlemen that’s my message

all right you

wanna fuck that tube fuck that tube son

fuck it all

right my cleaning

lady just like she comes in and like i have shit

you know that i don’t like

tissues and shit

well not even just like just like

stuff you know

some fun toys that i use with you know some

oh lady dildos and shit

god damn my man goes deep

my cleaning lady i love it

she’s like she’ll clean my plate and she’ll be like

oh she’ll find them and just put them on top of a

dresser like to be like i don’t know where to put these

on yeah what the fuck is that like for her

picking up your dirty slimy

frosted it looks like a donut like frosted

donut dildo i’m clean just lying in

the bed recently

have you noticed like girls

like different

girlfriends don’t like using like old dildos like

i always had like dildos like girls well i

started to like try to put them in its own packaging

and stuff like that no

dude you’re just a

cheap motherfucker

that’s ridiculous how much is a dildo

only like ten dollars

i buy good ones you know like the

whatever the dolphins and

the dolphin

i think dolphins like ninety dollars

really that’s like the playstation of fucking dildo

that girls like this has been inside some other girls

pussy with you

like push shoving it in there like

she doesn’t want yeah but she has

these fingers they’re washed that’s you just

watch good point and

that’s actually these are hard it is a good point

but it doesn’t matter because it’s

still your body and somehow

know that it makes it okay yeah instead of some rubber

rabbit sticking a

chick snatch

asshole at the same time

is that what it was yeah it’s a

rabbit and it’s

worse also that you bought it specifically

to fuck some

other girl with it like

it wasn’t like oh i

found this lying around and i

just fucked

this other girl

is like you bought it with this

other sugars and fucked her with it

and then you’re

like oh i’m not with her anymore and now i’m with this

other girl yeah yeah

you gotta be careful getting into that fucking

robotics world you know

you fucking setting a pace you can’t really

match up with

once you fuck a

chick with one of

those rabbit

things and it’s

beating the fuck out of the sides of her pussy

it’s just anderson

sylvania the sides of her pussy just

slamming it

toto toto toto

in that little

rabbit ears are jamming her in her butthole

what the fuck are you gonna do

what are you

gonna do with your average

dick human dick yeah what are you

gonna do with that

fleshy little soft thing

that you know that you got to worry

about if she gets on top but she

might break it

you ever have that happen man

where it almost

breaks no well you get a fallout and then it hits the

taint oh yeah when it

pulls out dude guys have gone to the hospital

for this shit are you serious yes yes you can tear

your dick breaks and not only does it break

but a lot of times it stays

crooked forever i think i

broke my dick before then i bet you did man i bet i

think i broke mine a little

cause i didn’t

think it was possible

so i always just went oh yeah it feels like it’s

gonna break but

i know mine

kinda get damaged

over time it

just broke like

an old ship

fucking hit too many rocks

mine looks like a broken nose

a lot of waves man

a lot of spilled

beer rot in the deck

a lot of waves hitting the left side

yeah there’s this dude on my message board

i fucking i’m sorry man i forget your name but

he has a fucking giant hog

and his pictures like totally bent

his dick’s like completely bent to the right

so much so that a subverter that’s a hero

and that’s his name on the message board

his dick is so ridiculous it looks like it’s


i mean there’s no way it could be that fat

because he’s a little dude

giant dick and

no way he could be taking such a hard angle

and he sends it to chicks and shit

oh my god i rated some

drama online because he sent it to some girls so

he sent you a picture of his dick he puts em online

man this guy puts em online

for everybody to see i’d love to have my dick

pointed up like bent up

just like hit the top of the girls how many cock

pictures have you seen online

of dudes that you know on a million i mean

i mean on the message

board everybody’s personally

or in person well because we hang out with comics

you know is it like that john is from montreal canada

is it like that up there do dudes whip

their dicks out all the time or is it too cold

i think it’s a little cold i had a

buddy who had the the prince albert thing oh

yeah you just love

whipping out his dick and

what the fuck is up with that guy oh dude

seriously that’s some fucking

crazy shit i’ve never looked at my

dick that thought about

throwing some

metal through it like a hole through the tip

of his hair man

what are you fucking like

cut open like a sausage have you seen that

oh i’ve seen

yeah oh that’s pretty sour right

no no no no that’s another one

that’s okay

there’s like a ring like right through

the tip of the yeah that’s the prince albert but the

other one that you’re talking

about is more of a body modification they cut

into the penis

and they slice it open like a hot dog yeah

like a hot dog whoa it’s

common it’s common

really common so what okay so is the

whole hot dog in the microwave

like so when you what spreads

yeah all must just

spray all over the fucking

place have no control over the piss

you know it looks horrendous too it looks

terrifying but it’s just like become some barb

no it’s like

here like yeah

cool yeah some

weirdo just wants to change the way he looks dude how

about listening to some fucking i don’t know

indie rock albums

trying to be

cool by some

records dude

you don’t have to

butcher your dick oh god

that’s a weird

thing man it’s a

weird thing when

you know it’s like

where do you draw that line you know

when you see a

chick with a

lip ring like ooh you got a ring on your lip your

upper lip there’s a ring on it a

metal ring yeah okay

how far are you willing to go

because you’re already in crazy town

you’ve already got staples in your face you fucking

freak yeah what are you doing

you ever had a girl with the clit ring

yeah the clit ring

that’s kind of cool though it’s kind

of cool but it also kind of seems like she’s a mess oh

and you know that unfortunately

if you’re getting if you’re

decorating down there it’s because you have open

houses all the time

and you’re like going down here i’m like wait a minute

dude you gotta write that down if that’s an ad lib

shit please

that’s a bit don’t forget that one dude

we’ll hold we’ll hold here okay that’s a goddamn

genius bit that’s hilarious

it is there’s a thing about girls with clit rings

you gotta know that if a girl’s

decorating down there she’s having open

houses all the time

dude that shit is brilliant

okay hold i can’t sit down and write comedy

and then all of a sudden i fucking

yeah i do the same thing man i have ideas and i have

to slam them onto a piece of

paper or i have to get it down as quick as possible too

just five minutes later i’m like a fucking

idiot savant i won’t know what i said that’s why

these podcasts are actually pretty good

because you can actually write comedy

while you’re talking

sort of many times yeah like i do spider man that

me talking about spider man where it’s me

throwing come on walls of hotels and i do it on

stage now and it fucking kills that’s

great did you do that for real yeah

he’s a mess


walls that you and i have to go and touch

you know you’re in your

underwear and you put your socks on

you might lean against the wall

you could easily be touching this creep’s loads even

worse i play chicken i

throw it on the ceiling and keep my mouth open and

to play chicken you have to play with someone else no

if i used to

start gay for yourself

if i dart out of

the way but i don’t that’s why i get id for cigarettes

my skin so that

is an excuse for you to be gay for yourself

i’m not playing a part of this

i play cum chicken with myself like

how fucking gay

but that’s not even gay that’s like

no it’s just recycling

it’s just bizarre

jim norton has this

great bit about this

chick that used to make him do

things like she

i guess it’s his girlfriend

she like tells him what to do and you know she

used to be a

dominatrix or something nutty like that and jim

comes on her

tits and she makes him lick it up

and it’s a true

story and he’s

talking about it it’s fucking

hilarious but it’s also

your fucking toes curl up your butthole crunches

up oh my you

you close your nostrils when you hear it

your whole body

constricts you’re like don’t eat your own comb

dude there’s something

about it just

yeah well you guys man

we’re talking on one of the podcasts this week

some guy was

who was it if

eddie yeah eddie if

the funny guy yeah he was talking about

some guys sucking

some guy or letting

some guy suck his dick so that he can fuck this hot

chick oh it’s

yeah yeah that was

eddie f yes friended that yeah yeah

and you’re like

manager tells me the

story of him and his

buddy where

they hooked up with

these two chicks and they’re at

the hotel room with

these two chicks

and the two

chicks start like

making out and

everything and they go if you guys make out

we will fuck

you i’mma just do

everything but you guys have to make out

and my manager’s just like okay

fuck it i’m out

of here and the guy’s chasing him around the room going

stop being such a fucking

pussy and make

out with me

come on dude just make out with me dude they’ll just

and you’re like

what the fuck man how bad you need to get laid creep

you need a scar in your brain for life

because the moment you nut the moment you

what the fuck have i done

you’d immediately recognize the

depths of your depravity

and i think i’d let someone some guy suck my dick

before i make out with a guy

that’s a little more intimate i don’t know man

listen at least

you can control

control yourself i mean you can

defend yourself some dude has his mouth over your dick

he could just clamp down on that

thing at any moment and that’s the end of your dick

that’s true fuck all

that on saturday

night live do a thing because so many people suck

dicks on sarah

what the fuck are you talking about

i mean like everybody does

everybody sucking dick on saturday

night live and they make out with each

other and shit right

i guess soon as the live

studio audience is different than

being like hey

there’s a lot of guys that think it’s funny to just

be nutty like that you know that was a big thing hells

angels used to do in the 60s hunter s thompson

wrote about it

you know about how

in that move the

the hells angels book that he wrote

he wrote about how they

would try to

freak out squares

like when they were around like regular people they

would just start making out with each other

big burly guys like tongue and all that just whoa yeah

there’s all this

video of it

the documentary gonzo

great documentary

that was fucking narrated by

johnny depp

super inspirational makes you want to

write and makes you really

appreciate his

his whole outlook on

things and also recognize him for real

like they didn’t try to make him look like anything

other than what he was like flawed

brilliant but flawed

crazy all over the place

but look what he produced you know it was like one of

those yeah but it was also like look how he fell

like look look how it all fell

apart for him look how his you

know his whole

life career

the end yeah

all the uphill battles he said that yeah

scary shit man because you know

as any any artist i

think i think we all look at ourselves and you

know you look at you know what’s your eventual

take on this

gonna be like

what’s your body of work

gonna be like

after 20 years or 30 years and at the end are you

gonna still be

enjoying this

like look at this brilliant guy like what did he do

wrong like why was

it some of his shit so good

some of the shit that he

wrote fear and

loathing in las vegas is

still one of my favorite books yeah

just a just a fucking mad

crazy book you know that this dude and his friend

just drop an acid and just fucking people over on

hotel bills

i mean it’s a

great fucking book

it just it’s

alive you know what i mean it’s like

his writing there was some shit in there that was alive

and it’s not everybody can do that

i don’t know what it is or why a person can or can’t

but what drives me

crazy is when

they can do something like that and then they just

still fall apart

you know it’s almost like what

brings them to the dance

kills them when they get there yeah yeah

because nothing is constant you know like if you’re so

passionate about something

there’s something that you need to nurture in that

and we’re constantly

changing nothing is like forever

gonna be that way so

in five years from now

if you don’t cultivate that kind of life and

everything you can all of a

sudden five years down the road

just not give a fuck

about land just

completely like be

completely different

which is fine we need to

you have to get

you have to be comfortable in the struggle

and part of the struggle is constantly

creating constantly coming up with new things

because as soon as you stop doing that if you

stop creating and you stop exploring it and utilizing

that part of your mind and your

whatever it is your spirit

it goes away

the only reason why it’s there is cause

it took you fucking 10 15 years ago and on

stage over and over

again to cultivate this thing

where you know

how to do it correctly like you get into this groove

but that can easily slip away from you

just don’t pay

like when i was on newsradio

it was like two years

when i was on

where i didn’t

write a fucking single joke

i didn’t do

all i did was perform the

laugh factory and i performed the comedy store

and i didn’t do any road work at all

and i didn’t

write at all

i just i did the sitcom the sitcom was a lot of work it

was you know we’d work long

hours and i’d be

tired and i

would show up at the comedy clubs and i just had no

no ambition

you know i didn’t have any new material it was all the

stuff that i

had been doing for years already and i had lost all

connection with what i was saying

you know what i mean like some bits they get to a

point where you’re just kind of saying

a bunch of things that you know will work

yeah it’s like i’m not even thinking

about this i’m not in the moment

while i’m saying this

and anyway i didn’t realize it until

i had some writers

come to see me some guys that were writers on newsradio

oh it was ugly

and it was a late

night sat at the comedy store

and the late

nights of the comedy

store in the main room

when there’s only like fucking 15 people

that place is a vacuum man it’s a cavern

and i went up there and just really had a shitty

set it just felt uncomfortable

and that made

me really realize like god you don’t even work

on your comedy anymore like what the fuck are you doing

it’s gonna go away like the

thing that was the most fun for you to do

now you’re not doing it anymore

and now when you do it you’re

weird about it

so it made me

sort of reorganize and to figure it out but i think

for a lot of guys

they just start doing

they become

successful or they

somehow another

get enough success so that they can make a living

and then they just kind of like stop

yeah you know

weird that’s when you kind of die on it

like it’s so sad and yeah

i feel myself i constantly have to keep

i go you know

like and i’m so new to this comedy game and

i find myself like when i was just in my

little tiny apartment

i mean now i’m

still in a tiny apartment

in hollywood

but you just change

your surroundings and the changes of people around you

and now all of a

sudden it’s

business and you have an

agent and a manager and they have plans a career plan

and all of a

sudden you’re

like whoa whoa what’s that what’s that little

spark that i

had inside me what was pushing me to do this in the

first place

right and i’m

you like as soon as you lose that

like you just

completely lost and they have

it so easy they

can talk you into

being business minded and business oriented dude

i’ve talked to

comics that i really like

they’re interesting guys

and they’ll

start talking

about liquor sales and shit

and i’m like

how do you even know that like what are you

talking why are you talking about this

have you ever thought

about doing a song

about mountain dew though

dude i’ve been

approached commercially

when you’re like it seemed like

you online you

have a following did you get approached by

so many people yeah well your

videos have

ridiculous numbers the

every average

everyday normal guy is like

was it 20 million

yeah almost 21 million

that’s some serious numbers man

yeah do you put ads on

those and make

money off that shit

well they do like through

there’s a partnership program at youtube and they’ll

put the little ads at the bottom and so they send you

checks for that shit

yeah make a little bit of

money on there

it’s not nothing


no it’s nothing i

heard this i have to do

other things and

even to pay like just my bills i

heard that there’s some

dudes that have like kids ones on there

and these kids

videos have such

ridiculous like

very regular repeated

customers and so the numbers are huge like 5 million

and you know now

these guys are making like

ridiculous money from youtube

ads i’ve always

heard that too but i’ve never

really understood

thought it was real this is coming from dana white

really yeah so it’s real no

there are some kids

who like i put out

videos and mine’s more like

content you allow

sketches and songs and like i create the content

i’ll shoot it edit it and put it out as like

you know i don’t

have a tv show so this is me doing my own content and

i fucking love it and the creative freedom that comes

along with it

no one’s looking over your

shoulder you’re just doing

whatever you want

and i get a decent amount

that’s why it’s good too oh it’s amazing like i’ll

never give that up

i’ll never it’s also why your

stuff is so

good because it’s coming from you like it’s all like

when one person does this and it sounds

crazy but i really believe this when one person is

involved in creating something and then they put it out

it’s almost like

you get a sense of

their personality like you get a

glimpse into

their creative

you know whatever the fucking

frequency they tune into

when a bunch of people get in it it can be really

funny but you

might not enjoy it as much you just

water down a little i don’t know if that’s real that

sounds like totally like hippie nonsense

but you know you that’s why we

appreciate people so much when they do something and we

enjoy it yeah you know i mean think

about what that’s like to like

you know like whatever

if it’s a band some band that you fucking love like you

gotta hang out with trent reznor when you were a kid

i mean what

are you doing you’re appreciating something this guy’s

producing and creating and that’s really what it’s all

about that’s what

being a fan is about

yeah it’s a

trippy fucking

thing man yeah

yeah no it’s

crazy i don’t really even think

about that i don’t know how you get like

i do the shows and people

anyone just goes dude i love what you do i’m so like

like taken yeah and i’m so

weird i’m very recent

recently in this but

like i’m always like oh

so thankful i’m like wow dude like

you know you’re

watching you

enjoy it and wow

it’s just a beautiful

thing yeah it’s a

great it’s a

great exchange of course you

gotta deal with a

bunch of nuts

have you ever

watched his

video high as fuck yeah yeah i’ve seen that one too

that’s great

we’ll play that one at the end

all right cool

that’s a teaser

ladies and gentlemen

we’ll let you know at the end we’re

gonna have a

juicy song for you

anybody who’s having a problem with this podcast

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ping the server this is all complicated shit but

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short of it is

the best way to get the podcast the

quickest is just subscribe on itunes or

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net and right

after the podcast is over within a couple hours

brian has a link up

and you can download it from that so that’s easy too

so that’s the way to do it don’t be

whining anymore

yeah how does that work on your

website does it go because i’m so like technologically

i download on

itunes go straight to my library syncs with my ipod

like if i go on your website does it

go right into the itunes or drag and drop rule

well it’s just a file yeah

just download to

mp3 yeah it’s just an

mp3 file and it’s always

because i want it to be available

not just for itunes

i want it on zoom

and if you got some wonky old

mp3 recorder one of them little usb jammies it

doesn’t even have like a

yeah if you’re in the zoom

marketplace just hold down your

power button wait for it to

reset and then

relaunch it

now you’re making jokes

is that a microsoft joke

brian you dork

lewis try to

sneak a microsoft

joke in there

you have to

reboot the device

the device is no good

hey verizon you cunts

what’s up with this the new iphone

has a world chip in it

but you don’t

you don’t turn it on

you fucking weirdos

you’re scared your network’s

gonna crumble bitches that’s

what it is they’ve been talking so much shit on at amp

t they don’t

understand the

power of the iphone when that

motherfucker comes a wave of

freaks are gonna come over to your side

it’s gonna be like 15

of the people from at amp

t they’re estimating are

gonna vacate

their contracts

early that’s a

large number man there’s

even more like business people

business people you know what i was i was doing an at

amp t commercial last

night i was sitting there

i was sending all these

photos to my flicker

and i was also trying to download this youtube video

and then somebody calls me

if somebody

would have called

me during that on the verizon network all that shit

would have like

hmm you’re right and so i was like

thinking that’s pretty big for me for you i’m a

heavy user of internet


and stuff like that

yeah but i mean even

tweet vid if you’re on twitter and you’re loading a

video and then somebody calls you halfway through it

guess what that

video is not loading that’s

right yeah that’s a good point

that that’s a good point

if you look at it that way

yeah yeah i don’t

understand why verizon can’t do that

from what i

understand though

when they get to 4g

that won’t be an

issue anymore is that correct

yeah yeah for g1

so for g even though it’s cdma

as opposed to

horizons networks good but it’s actually just

older like an

older technology

so it’s called cdma

right yeah yeah and

and it for some reason even though it’s older

technology it penetrates deeper into

buildings yeah i

guess that’s one of that

so it gives you

more cancer

gives you better cancer

yeah but i got

a new top new

title to my book

it’s called if you get cancer from your cell

phone you’re a fucking pussy

i know what you really wanted to say

what puss is your retired word no

no i wouldn’t say no

it’d be more you’re a pussy than

an f a word f a

g g word ot word

you know what though i mean has

anyone done

research like on ball cancer is ball cancer up

right now because you’re fucking cell

phones by your balls ninety percent of the

yeah i don’t know what the fuck you’re doing with your

phone man don’t

stick it on your

balls what’s on the

stick pocket that’s like being on the side of your head

right i’m saying

so it’s pretty

close to your balls i

hear people talking

about the having a laptop

on your on your

lap just it’s so

close to your balls

and all your shit like i can imagine

some kind of you know

the laptop though it’s heat

yeah the battery i use that for as a form of

birth control right you

kill your balls yeah i did on purpose torture

those little faggots oops

i said it trick

me trick me

put it in my head

i’m telling hayden

we don’t have that word in canada

well it shouldn’t be an american either

i mean not that shouldn’t

be said it shouldn’t be a war that has all this power

especially a good

juicy one jamie

killstein told me he retired it recently too really

every time you accidentally say it you

should do something like

you have to buy an elton john cd or you have to buy

you know what i mean

you have to

watch one episode of

ellen you watch

a full george michael

video yeah you have to give

something back

i love that freedom song man

remember the time we

sang it on the podcast

it’s a great goddamn show remember we

singing in the hot tub

no i blocked that out

brian shut up

shut up brian

so are you what the fuck bro

so are you touring do you do

yeah i mean i’ve been touring

quite a bit for the past two years i took a little

break because i wanted to

write some stuff and do some more the internet stuff

but when you do it you do it

like go out for a weekend come back

yeah i started doing that

i have minneapolis

book i’m so bad so i don’t even know my dates but i

have some minneapolis and like

march or april

and what is

it what’s your website

yeah yeah let’s

check out the

website what’s the website

michael keaton’s on it yeah it’s john

leshua dot com

and spell that

motherfucker yeah good luck j o

n l a j o i e

or just go to like youtube and like google like

and just search show

janitals i’m sorry

have you ever thought

about just changing your last name like john

la or something yeah

johnny la like

kevin james had to do that his last name was nip thing

it was really

tricky and him and his brother gary

and gary picked valentine and

kevin picked

james because it was the name of his old kung

fu instructor my last name is not red band

because my last

bright yeah we’re

right from the

movie trailers when you see a movie

the red band

yeah i used to be a projectionist

most my life okay

okay i like it i like his

videos really good

you gotta figure out how to make money with it

anybody out there with a suggestion keep it to yourself

freaks cause i don’t know you

porn stars porn stars

porn stars is the way to go

comedy porn comedy porn

yeah making money on the internet that’s what

brian needs brian needs more porn stars of his life

for sure i know how do you get into that porn circle

oh he’s deep really deep bro he went to a podcast

is that all it takes

out of my house

we’ll have a podcast and you can interview a pornstar

deep in the crime

get deep in the

crazy song you

write all your

stuff yourself and like you just sit there and

think of a good idea and

i mean did you

start off like doing like like you know just you

using a cell

phone camera

playing around

what it was was like i was

i went to theater

school in montreal then i

graduated and

i got a role on this french language tv show

which it was

cool it’s great i

appreciate it’s

great job and

everything but it wasn’t really what i wanted to do

by the way how much does it help

with chicks being

bilingual and the

other language is french

suck come about fancy

you must seem

so sophisticated

especially if you know something about wine

that’s all you need

i mean so many

girls just trick

them so quickly

you can know nothing yeah

all you have to do is just

start talking

about the area of

france where

these grapes are

grown and that

yeah oh shanan

shah yeah oh

shanan shah

yeah no it helps a little bit

but it’s weird in montreal

like if you don’t like

being an english dude in montreal

and on a french show

like chicks like me because i had the english

english so the french

chicks like you because you

spoke english

as well and then out here it’s kind of like oh

really is the french

thing is cool

i thought you guys didn’t like french people

was all that freedom from well

french montreal is okay yeah french france

is a different animal

those guys don’t like that

no no one likes it we

don’t even like french fries anymore bro it’s freedom

prize right

until we all the way so you were on this show

so you were on this

french speaking show and you

speak fluent french as well as english

yes well not as well as english

my dad’s french canadian so

is there a different

i mean the language is

structure different is comedy

structure different when you do it

yeah i do find comedy in french it’s a

completely different

beast it’s like they have a

bunch in montreal montreal they have

when they do the just for last festival

they’ll have all

these like guys

speaking in france it’s really

weird and they have

super like super stars yeah

french canada

huge that people have

never heard of

yeah yeah just to give you an example there are

seven million or

eight million people in quebec

the show that i was on had

12 million people

watching it

every week like on the league

that’s what we get

that’s broadcast all over the united

states like they’re very supportive of

their culture and they

they consume

kebiquah culture

and they have like

huge comedy

start it’s like a little

that’s why they kind of like

watch their own

country because it’s like a little country on its own

on the french side

english side is

like english canada anywhere else wow yeah

quebec is a very strange area in and of itself that

they want to separate from the rest of canada

it’s like a constant

issue oh yeah

yeah what’s that about

well i mean it

goes way back but it’s

basically you know new france became

can’t like the english

would be french

and then like you had all this huge french population

and now was

english territory and

they were kind of like

lax enough to go okay you can keep

practicing your catholicism and your

things love will let you alone but

you know this is the british empire na na

but they kind of

flourished as a

culture and they stayed like pretty close

together and like now quebec is


french speaking and it’s a

culture that’s just kind of

kept going throughout the years

and now they want to protect the

culture and there are many

laws in canada that do protect that

culture like kind of like

signs have to be more french

than larger

in french than in english

like a lot of

things like that that are very controversial

equal rights right

well it’s just that you have to have

it has to be in french at all

like you can go to

chinatown there’s

some shit that has nothing in english on it that’s okay

right right yeah

i don’t feel yeah

well that’s

ridiculous yeah

no i know it’s very controversial

but there are many

things that

they’re trying to protect because the fear is

basically that a hundred years down the road

the french culture is

gonna go away

but i mean you know

things change

guess what man

what are we

gonna do once we

start reading minds and we

you know can

travel through time

we’re still

gonna have to talk french you fuck

no is it that important god damn it you’re slowing down

evolution cunt

yeah know if

the language dies it dies man the fuck isn’t

what you mean is that what it’s a

that’s what’s supposed to be important

right you’re intent

not what fuck

would bimblah

would the way you fucking say it that’s stupid

which is neutral

you know it just expresses they don’t want

their language to evolve

if it gets absorbed it gets

evolved that’s what happens sorry

doesn’t mean it’s bad

no i am not

right brian god damn it i made out with

this but i mean like i’m

gonna get shit for this a little bit so i’ll just go

i’ll just go i’m not gonna

no because i know

how important it is

especially like artists on the french

line i’ve worked with

quite a bit

on that tv show

most of them are sovereignists or

separatists whoa

yeah because they probably know they

wouldn’t survive if the full country

could hear them

they want to stay in one area and only

speak french

i’m gonna i’m

gonna stay neutral god

damn not a competitive


topic listen i love montreal and i love french

candidate don’t get

me wrong it’s

not what i’m saying

as a human being as a

human being i don’t

i don’t like getting attached to anything man yeah

especially getting attached to the way you say

things certain

language gives a fuck

and everybody’s like

someone said that to me man

you’re not careful man

fucking english

gonna be a second language

and everybody’s

gonna speak

spanish first

i go well then i’ll

learn spanish

you fucking

dummy guess what

stupid it’s not it’s not

gonna happen within my lifetime and if i grew up

learning spanish instead of english

does that really make a difference god damn it

of course it

doesn’t you fucking stooge

it’s what you’re

thinking is what’s important it’s not

what language you

think it in that’s dumb

it’s better if we all have one language

let’s get rid of

i mean we got rid of latin

okay can’t we

get rid of chinese let’s do this kick that shit out

you guys know how to

say english

things chinese

going anywhere come on

get rid of it

the ultimate

of a president got into office it’s like

first of all


gotta fucking

learn english done

all right you

wanna really communicate

it’s real simple okay

learn english

we won’t bomb you

you learn english

is that a deal the fuck

is it so hard

and no secret languages

kill all your

other languages because

i don’t want you to be saying some shit that i don’t

understand yeah okay

when i knew president

when i was seventeen i was on

spring break and

fucking president

this is probably the probably is there’s

fucking a lot of dudes that are listening to that going

well fuck yeah man he’s got a fucking good point

we do have all the bombs

fuck all those

brown queers

brown queers and quebec

speaking french

all over the

world all of them anyway

fucking even english if the spanish

win i’m on the spanish side i’m whoever’s winning

i’m with evolution god damn it

oh yeah mexico comes over and takes over america well i

guess we should have made cocaine

legal you fuck yeah

look what you did stupid

the fucking mexican gangsters

take over the country

they realize how soft we are

we’re creating a

whole nation of

savage killers down there

you know you’ve seen those

video footages

from live leak with a

12 year old

hitman or fucking torturing people before they kill him

yo that mean that’s

right there you can

drive there

this is nuts the fact that we’re not dealing with that

that we shouldn’t be even fucking afghanistan

it takes like

twelve hours to get there on a plane

shouldn’t be we beer

right next door

where everyone’s

crazy where they’re cutting people’s fucking heads off

and selling coke

god damn motherfuckers how

about on hollywood fucking boulevard the

mexicans are mad at me

the french canadians are mad at me

yeah i’m trying to piss off everybody today

you either gave

i already said

yeah dude so

they’re mad at me too everyone some

verizon french canadians

i love you i love you and i love your poutine

i love the comedy works in montreal

that little club i did it last time i was in montreal

fucking great man

you know montreal always confused me

because i lived in boston and i had this

cold weather douchebag theory

i was like well

the reason why boston people are so douchey

is because it’s cold as fuck up there and

you get angry like six

months out of year you

know mass holes we

call them and

but i was like but wait a

minute i go up to montreal it’s

three hours

north or more right

more driving it was like four

hours north

four hours from

boston four fucking

hours in a car

north of boston

and the people

are cool as fuck and it’s like a european city

it’s more sophisticated it’s

like the cultures

totally different

the women are so much nicer

you know it’s

weird man it’s a

weird weird

thing yeah but also we’re very polite so we kinda

hide that shit

like you guys are just like fuck you and we’re like

fuck this guy

yeah but fuck

this guy’s way nicer to be around yeah keep it

together shithead no yeah i know you guys like

boston like

everyone from 18 to 20

everyone’s always up in montreal just

partying because like you guys

still don’t

understand 21

to drink it’s good

it’s good because

it makes it harder

for people to get into bars it shouldn’t be in bars

and it’s good because they don’t know how to

not drink and drive yet

that’s the scariest

shit just got the

license you know

the scariest shit to me is kids that don’t know how to

drive and they’re

drinking you

know i’ve seen

stupid shit man i’ve seen people rear end people and

i’ve seen many things

i think it’s a good thing i

think they shouldn’t be able to

drive if they’re 21

i shouldn’t have been able to drive

but the problem is you have to work

you gotta let him

drive at 18 or 17 or whatever

the fuck it is but i saw some fucking kid down the

street the other day in his mom’s

lexus like it was a big lexus

truck and suv

he couldn’t have been more than 15 16 years old

and this kid was fucking riding my

ass and weaving through traffic and cutting lanes off

and going way over the speed

limit i’m like kid you don’t know how to drive yet

you’re taking a big chance with a

large vehicle that

doesn’t stop well

it doesn’t turn well at all they’re

giant trucks

and this fucking kid is driving like

you know like he’s doing a

formula one racing scary shit

he got away with it i mean he got home he didn’t die

but something

could have happened easily someone

could have fucked up

someone could have ran off a curb something

you know he

could have had to make a

split second move and there

would have been a rap

what you think

about it 15

16 years old like i was retarded totally retarded

totally like an

idiot and to be in

to be behind the wheel

controlling this huge hunk of metal

like around

thousands of people yeah i don’t

think that’s a good idea it’s

funny this has been a

topic of conversation

recently even on my message

board about

people that were like 20

when i was saying that when i was 20 i was retarded

like you know don’t tell me what the fuck is

going on when you’re 20 i don’t

wanna hear you talk about

you know what’s

wrong with the

world when you’re 20

and a lot of people like you know

back in the

fucking middle ages you know 20 was middle aged

like you know

you know we could try

don’t discount

my opinion because i’m 20 years old i totally

agree with you have 10 kids and have you killed

15 people right

like you’re not from

the same person

you’re playing

world of warcraft your mom’s basement you’re

not the same 20 year old and it’s not to undervalue

your opinion or your observations you

might be very intelligent

you might have some observations that are very valid

it’s not saying that

it’s just the fact that you’re even confident enough to

want people

to listen to your opinion at 20

shows me you’re on the

wrong road alright

stop being cocky

you should be like

just asking questions and looking around all right

just jumping in

and trying to

force your opinions

on when you’re 20 you don’t really know that much

you might have some information but

man you look back on

what you were like when you were

20 there’s no

20 year old that

is gonna be able to

stand on television with a

microphone and tell the

world what needs to be

fixed you know

just fucking stop dude

it’s a developmental

cycle you’re very confident you’re very intelligent


but don’t get

ahead of yourself

you know when

i was 20 i was fucking dumb but i thought i was

smart and i was

right about a lot of

things you know i had a good

point of view

but it was still you’re just fucking spastic you’re

just like that 15 year old kid driving that truck

you don’t know what the fuck you’re doing you’re

slamming into

walls and shit you don’t know how to use the brakes

yeah you know

i have once in a

while i have to

check in with

early 20s john i mean in terms

of morally like

i was so like

oh this i’m

reading and i was

still like very curious and i

loved reading like in the

early 20s like i thought like i figured it out like my

moral code and

i was so like well like what was the code

were you into

oh i don’t know i was very much

a vegan for a

while oh really

yeah but like

i know i know but

that took me a little

while to go okay no because

i was reading a lot like i’m trying to figure out

what is a right decision was

wrong decision like

right figuring it out sure

and that was part now like a

total like a different

completely different person but my

early twenties like

everything was an important

moral decision

and i have very like my parents

are like really pentecostal like really religious very

good people but you know very religious people

so i kind of have that baggage

where i’m like you know i’m trying to

you know doing good is like what makes my parents

proud and as opposed to like oh i have all

these fans and

stuff like if i do something

like really nice or

something like that that’s when my parents are really

proud of me right

like i kind of have this thing

so i was trying to figure like

and now you

know i’m 30

and like i’m living in la

and you know like i

have a bit of

success and so

once in a while i have to go okay

early 20s john

am i being an asshole

right now and am i being a good person

what do you

think and a lot of times like

fuck you asshole don’t talk to me

well was early 20s john a radical though was

he no no no

no no i was very no i’m

still very close to who i was but i was

much more like i guess

rigid about

things so like there’s more like

i don’t know like i went

certain like the

super i still don’t i when when i’m

shopping like i try to

give my money

where like it’s because buying is voting but back in

right like really

it’s that early

when you’re

figuring shit out you’re like i just read this book

naomi clients

you know the

whatever the fuck it was called in i’m like okay

i get it and then you know you try to like

be i don’t know

everything’s kind of

black and white

when you realize you get

older you’re like oh it’s all gray

and you try to figure

it out you try to be a good person as much as you can

and try to approach

things with love and all that kind of stuff

it’s very tricky you

know the eating of animals

thing is a really

very controversial subject

and i know a lot of people

that have a lot of different opinions of it and they’re

all very very like

adamant about how they are like the people who

eat meat just really want to justify it and they get

super aggressive

about it and you

know the people that don’t

i mean i’ve had some

annoying motherfuckers on my message board

that want to talk to me

about eating animals like

just try being

like go on and on and on just trying to

shove it in your

throat like god damn you

annoying fuck

you socially retarded dunce

whatever you’re doing is

gonna make me not want to do it do you not get that

when people say

annoying shit like that and like you’re

gonna make a mistake

you know think of karma

fucking think of

kicking you in the dick

stupid get away

get away with your nonsense everyone

hates those

those beans are

alive you fuck

okay those beans you’re eating they’re

screaming as you bite down on them

you boil them they’re

dying in there they’re rotting and boiling

water that lettuce

screams in agony

as you rip it from its fucking mother

fuck you no fuck

that’s life too

stupid it’s like

why is animal life more important than plant life

because we’re semi related

you know but that’s fucking

stupid because you step on bugs all the time

we’re convenient shitheads all

right and the

funny the most

the funniest

thing is that

eating meat and the animal proteins helped us develop

and come to the

point in our consciousness of

where we are

cause it helped develop the

brain rapidly

which is the funniest

thing well that’s actually a controversial theory is it

yeah because it

doesn’t work that way with

other predators

i mean jaguars don’t have big

brains you know

and by the way

that theory

that theory i believe was formulated before

they realize how many

monkeys chimpanzees eat

you know they didn’t realize

how fucking ruthless

and violent chimps really were

until they started doing some studies i forget the the

the guy’s name

who ran the show was like a bbc show

but he was the

first one to get footage of chimps eating

monkeys and i

think that was in the 90s

so i think these ideas that they had

about that there was two

other theories

one of them is a

throwing arm

and that when people developed the ability to

throw things

that sort of

kicked off our

evolution because we

started killing

things that were

far away from us

and we started getting better at hunting

we thrived and as we thrived

we got a little bit more

confidence and we started

thinking about

things more

it’s like that the more

calm you can get the more control over your environment

the more you have free time

think about shit because you’re not always

fighting off

jaguars and all

these different

things so we figured out how to do

things like

throw spears

throw rocks you know

that’s one theory that’s another theory the

other one is


other one is


mushrooms and that’s the most

controversial one but really the most fascinating one

and it’s terrence mckenna’s

stoned ape theory

and this theory is that somewhere

along the line

and this is the undisputable fact somewhere

along the line the human

brain size doubled

over a period of two million years and that is

in the entire fossil record the most confusing thing

more than anything

they’re like well how does this happen

it’s weird for any

organ to grow

double the size

but the most


organ as far as creating

things on the planet is in no question

the brain the

human brain

we alter our environment we create nuclear bombs

beyond a doubt

it all happens

supposedly inside this area and this area

doubled in two years

well it’s coincidentally also the same time that

the rainforest receded in the

grasslands there was a climate change

and terrence mckenna’s theory is that

monkeys were forced or

lower primates

were forced

to come out of the trees and

experiment with

new food sources because the rainforest were gone

and these animals

that were in this once lush tropical environment

had to adapt to this new environment and one of the

things they did was

there was a lot of cows that were eating the

grass and they

would flip over cow turds

looking for bugs

and that’s the best

place for cubansis

mushrooms to grow

so these cubansis mushrooms

would grow in this cow shit

and these chips and

whatever the fuck they were you know

lower primates

australia pithicus

whatever the fuck it was

they would eat

these mushrooms and

the idea is twofold one

that there was a

direct increase in

their ability to see things

because when you eat psilocybin

especially in low doses it increases your visual acuity

and the other

thing was that it

would give them this sort of community

like loving

atmosphere protecting

atmosphere and that

would also aid in their

less conflicts the less conflicts that they had

would aid in

their innovation

you know just like

with the other thing and

also they would

start having



and in large doses

these psychedelic


would slowly help them evolve much much

quicker and sort of

figure things out that they

maybe not have figured out

and the idea the really

weird part of the idea

is that they think

this is all mckenna

and a few other psychos

they think that what mushrooms are is some sort of an

alien intelligence that has come here from an asteroid

because the reason for that is there’s no

like there’s

nothing that can survive in a vacuum better than spores

and we know that a

bunch of shit has come here on asteroids from

other planets like dna

or excuse me

amino acids and

the building

blocks for life

and water water comes on comets and asteroids

and we know that

spores can survive

in a vacuum and the idea is that somewhere

on some other planet

there was some type of a spore

and it came here on an asteroid landed

and the way it communicates with people is you eat it

and that this is what caused

human beings to evolve out of

monkeys i mean it is one of those

five bong hit

stare at space

and think it through for like 10 hours at

first it sounds totally ridiculous that

mushrooms are silly

but is there

like i mean

if he’s one scientist or whatever that thinks that

he’s not even a scientist

really i mean he was a scholar i mean

i don’t know what was the ethno botanist i

think was his

you know his chosen

so like if you ask any of the

other thousands of scientists that

would know that anything

close to what he’s talking about

when they think

very few very high yes sure

well first of all

you have to realize that as a scientist

first of all

getting behind anything that advocates

a completely new direction in

evolution and one

based on psychedelic mushrooms illegal drugs

that’s a tough fucking

cell yeah so most scientists would

never choose that as

a point of study it’s just like that or is it just

like no come on could be that it could be that too

but it’s also they discount

the idea that mushrooms

could be some sort of potential

human evolution tool they discount that

cause it sounds ridiculous that an illegal drug

could potentially aid in your evolution

and most of them are

ignorant of the

experience itself i mean

maybe some of

them have fucked around with it had a little bit

but to have a real full blown


experience i guarantee you you

wouldn’t discredit it so what are

these monkeys instead of like

taking the cow turds they were like

they took one bite like this is

gross and they told

their friends

don’t eat food

that’s come on and eat bugs

that’s dumb that’s dumb because

they don’t know

this whole theory does make it makes no sense

right but they do

they’ve observed them eating

mushrooms i observe

other time ago

no all monkeys now eat

you know a lot of animals

target psychedelic substances like reindeer target

the amanita muscaria

mushroom in siberia

they’re famous for it

they like knock people over to get the mushrooms

they fucking love them my dog used to

knock shit over to get to my weed man my dog

really really weed

well i smoke

and i leave like little butts and he just go

and i come back and be acting all weird

and look in the ashtray it’s just like all

empty and like

you know this subject

is a very controversial one because whenever you

a lot of people have a very

strong opinion

against this idea

and they just like that’s

ridiculous that

doesn’t make

sense you know

mushrooms like

think about what the fuck mushrooms do do to you

if you’ve done it

if you’ve ever

done it you know what they do you it’s fucking crazy

beyond description

your whole world changes

everything around you becomes interlocking geometric

patterns that you can see through to infinity

yeah just that

experience itself what the fuck is happening yeah

why is it so

powerful and why it’s so


positive yeah like friday

do that to your mind yeah

what’s going on

and if it is an

agent of evolution

right are you know but you’re not being poisoned

the ld 50 rate for psilocybin

mushrooms is like fucking 50

pounds or something

that’s like

what you have to eat to kill half the people

it’s ridiculous it’s like you can’t die from it

we’re talking

about like hundreds

of times more than the effective dose

it would take to kill you you’d have to be a

total idiot to die for mushrooms

right i mean it’s like

you just probably

throw up anyway

yeah there are some

i don’t think anybody’s ever died

unless there’s some

toxic mold that was on it

which is very common in mushrooms

or not only that mushrooms that look like psilocybin

mushrooms but there’s some

other fucking one that

completely jacks your

system crazy

but that’s the problem with anything like you

could say yeah there’s no mold on

these mushrooms you’re not

gonna die and there

could be mold on this well

guess what you’re supposed to be

buying or not buying them supposed to be eating them

right out of the ground are supposed to be

legal yeah i

know this is all

you know a subject of you know

what we’re doing to like food

you know we don’t let anybody grow

their own mushrooms

you know it’s fucking really hard to get too

so you don’t

know who’s handling it and how the guys growing it

if you had it yourself it was

legal you could

have it in your goddamn backyard or in your basement

a whole shelf of mushrooms easy

as fuck yeah

yeah i got a dude who had like

scout mushrooms out here like i

back home used to have like a reliable source

where it didn’t kill me and was awesome

right but i just i just

so weird when it’s not controlled yeah

you’re like not only that

dude it’s selling

he’s selling something illegal and that’s

where it gets tricky

you know the

real problem with illegal drugs is that you

gotta talk to people to get em

you know that’s the you know

deal with some dude and he wants to sell you mushrooms

come on man who is this guy you’re selling mushrooms

where are you

at in your life you’re selling mushrooms you know

how crazy are

you you know you wearing a wire get the fuck over here

you know you know it’s like yeah

that’s the problem

you shouldn’t

have to deal with some person who’s willing to

break the law

what it should be is there’s no fucking law

and by the way there’s a lot

of cool people sell mushrooms don’t get me wrong yeah

i’m just teasing

but what i’m saying is

valid in a lot of cases

man i remember the guy we used to deal with this dude

named jake the

snake that’s how he used to get weed

before before i got a medical card

this motherfucker was so

annoying he was so

annoying that

eddie bravo had a

choke him out like

three times

he couldn’t believe that

eddie could

choke him out he’s like man it was a real

fight dude i kick your ass

and so eddie’s like come on but you act like an asshole

and the guys like i’m telling you man that you

do shit ain’t

gonna work on me

and he’s like okay

okay let’s go out in the yard and let’s fight

so eddie takes some down straggles and puts him to

sleep wakes him up

this didn’t happen man

it didn’t fucking happen that’s bullshit you got lucky

so they do it

again let’s go

again let’s go

again a takes him down

chokes him out puts

him to sleep

like you fucking

dummy that’s a

black belt brazilian

jiu jitsu like really you

think you could just

you just you’re just

tough enough to

fight that shit off this is

where we used to got get our weed from it was so

annoying this guy was so dumb

he was like

a dude whose half his head was made of cardboard

it was just

like there’s something in there that’s dulling your

electrical circuits

this wet cardboard is leaking on the circuitry this

whole fucking thing is shorting out

he was just dumb

this motherfucker sold weed

yeah that was his name jake the

snake yeah but

you’re like this

the the monkey

thing and mushroom it’s very possible man wait harder

for me to go i believe in something

then for me to dis not dis

whoa fuck i just lost my i know what you’re saying

but like yeah i remain to graham

open like see dudes just the fuck that were

we used to be like bacteria

on this rock

and now we’re sitting here talking with headphones

about shit on computer like yeah that’s fucking weird

so if you go oh

maybe that happened yeah

maybe it did happen like i’m not

gonna disbelieve

but for me to go for sure this

thing happened

that’s harder to do my

point exactly

i love that you just said that i always say the

exact same thing when it comes to

ufos and stuff

and i’m like

why do you want to believe do you have personal

experience with the ufo

you’ve been

taken aboard

how do you not know that all

these people are

crazy cause i know a lot of

crazy people man people are full of shit

they lie a lot you have to always keep that

brian always says it best

you always gotta keep all doors open

what do you say

we were talking

about this once before when it was

about ufos oh keep

everything on the table

keep everything yeah

you know i keep

everything on the table yeah

right don’t just commit to one

thing or the

other man yeah right

when you’re

speaking about life and and this is mean

think about this is the nuttiest

fucking shit ever

there’s a new

study that they

found in that life today

resembles life

of a billion years ago

or cancer today rather it resembles life of a

billion years

ago you saw that yeah

i’m gonna try to find the audience

it’s very scary

because what it implies is that

what we came out of we came out of here it is

right here here’s the article

life resemble

cancer cells

resemble life one billion years ago and they have all

these these

comparisons and

this is all like some serious

scientific study

about the origins

of life and the origins of cancer and the idea

and this is

where it could be

completely insane

but the idea is if

human life becomes so fucked up and chaotic

and so unnatural and so

polluted by chemicals and destroyed by

ideology and nonsense and we just

breed ourselves down to mush

this is the mush

what this is is this is what

started life in the

first place life was

just a series of fucking

cells that grew out of control and became eventually

human beings

and for this shit

to be growing inside of us at an ever expanding rate

constantly is like

the primordial

ooze trying to

reclaim its creation

this is the universal fucking etch a

sketch and they’re shaking it

right now yeah

wrap your fucking head around that man

that’s what cancer is man

what cancer is is absolute

proof positive

that this is the

wrong path and

the universe is slowly swallowing the

human race back up

wrap your shit around that homie

that’s the universe’s noah’s ark

fuck man all

right you know and we don’t

we don’t look

at it that way i mean we’re obviously just

learning this

but we don’t look at it as being like something that

could like be reversed that quickly

but look at like

you know they’re talking

about like cancer of like like the ten thousand a

hundred thousand years ago the people didn’t get cancer

they didn’t get cancer

there’s a lot of scientists that believe that

all cancer is within

the industrial age and

previously before that any exposure to chemicals

and things that

carcino just shit

but that this shit

doesn’t really

exist in nature

and when you’re eating like

a primate or

what you call it a paleo diet

you know of all vegetables and all

you know clean animals that you kill

like you’re not getting

introduced to any of the shit that creates cancer

and i don’t know if that’s

right or not i mean i don’t know how the fuck they

could ever prove it

they would have

to go back in time you know whatever a hundred

thousand years or whatever the fuck it was before

people ever figured out how to fuck with chemicals

was that ten thousand years ago not even

probably only a couple

yeah chemicals

and when was the

first cancer

when was the

first cancer ever

you know recorded

fuck it’s a really interesting

thing man yeah

it really is

let’s just get crazy

and let’s give it a few thousand years let’s say the

first cancer

started like 2 000 years ago okay

if that is the case

think about what a

short period of time that is

two thousand years to tonight

to today and you

compare how much more people have cancer now

and how many more people are around now

than before

and constantly we’re working on a cure for it we’re

gonna figure it out

we’re gonna figure it out

it’s like whoa

what is this yeah what the fuck is cancer

like that’s life

it’s life growing out of

control exactly

and the way to get this is the

crazy thing

about life growing out of control and cancer

the way they kill it

is they fucking poison the shit out of you

they poison the shit out of you and they hope that

this thing dies before the host does yeah

that’s what chemotherapy is

that’s terrifying man

that’s a terrifying notion

it’s like you have a parasite inside you and we’re

gonna slowly

bring you to

death’s door

and hopefully it’ll kill the parasite

and then you get to like

start eating oatmeal

again and walking without a limp

and then as soon as that happens

again oh your friend is back for another fucking round

he grabs a hold of you

tries to choke you and drag you to the ground

my brother had hodgkins when

he was like

14 years old oh my god

i had lumps and

stuff you went see a doctor

first doctor went see like yeah you’re working out

it’s normal something your glands or whatever

okay go to a

second doctor no no you have cancer

like and wow

yeah i know he did the chemotherapy

and everything he’s fine

and you know what were the lumps like

dude he had like this

huge lump right here

like it’s joey

well that’s what dexter had

the dude yeah

what’s his name philip michael hall

michael c halls

who’s philip michael hall

guy from the 80s

so yeah it’s a really common

thing right yeah what is it what do they

think it’s cause from do you have any idea the genetic

idea man and i mean it’s

night time we grew up like we’re just like eating

like i have a big family they brothers and

sisters so we like we’d eat

hot dogs and hamburger helper and and just you

never know where it can come from you know right

right couldn’t be like genetic and like all that

stuff of my my aunt

died of the same thing when she was 24

like way back when she was

young so it’s somewhat

in the genetics but at the same time you

never know me

and paranoid

like i like you got a doctor like twice a year

no i don’t go to the doctor probably for that reason

i probably should do

wow that’s terrifying

yeah no it is do you eat really healthy

yeah i eat well

i know a dude who eats really bad and he’s got cancer

right now just

he’s got really

pale skin and he’s always out in the sun

and apparently got some

skin cancer and cancer and he eats terrible it’s all

mashed potatoes

and fucking meatloaf and shit you know no vitamins

so homeboys gotta

start eating like a serious serious

heavy green diet very leafy

thick green vegetables

whenever i do

that man whenever i got really heavily into like eating

salads like big

salads every day yeah

really feel way better it’s really amazing it’s like

most of our food is so fucking

dead you know so yeah

like you can get something

there’s something out of eating

plants out of eating live

things you know

you really do get something from it you know

but the thing is you

gotta get you gotta get

fresh you know

organic like

in montreal

like i just

went back there last week it’s snowstorm like nothing

fresh is growing there yeah

so everything’s imported from all around the world

sprayed with kent

if you’re not getting organic and

fresh like the shit’s been in a freezer

sitting in chemicals

you gotta wash your lettuce like

my brother worked at a

fruit and vegetable plant

he said they

used to take the celery out you have to wear

gloves when

you like they’d unload it from the

boxes and put it in the front

because he’d get burns on his hands

from the chemicals that were on the celery think

about that shit you’re putting that in your body man

and how long do

you have to wash the celery for that shit together well

right how long

would it take before he

started getting burns

oh he said like you

learn right away like

you handle it a bit

and it’s just the chemicals

especially on celery for some reason

fuck i love celery man i make

celery juice all the time yeah well if you get

then once again organic and

fresh i do but

still yeah i’ve

heard a lot of organic is bullshit too they

label it as organic and it’s not really organic

yeah what does organic

stand for i mean

what is the actual

definition of

organic does it mean no chemicals no pesticides

no genetically modified i

think that’s

what’s supposed to mean supposed to mean then

but as we know

if you watch

those documentaries like food

ink like the


modified this shit

flies all over the

place that’s nuts

well that’s what’s really crazy

about genetically modified crops is how they affect

other farmers

got ensued because the shit

flew through the air and landed on

their fields

and they found

these crops and they’ll do a test on them and then

these guys have to go to

court and they want

money from them

it’s like it’s the

most evil shit ever monsanto is one of the most evil

corporations ever

by the way and

there was some fucking

thing online

about them buying

blackwater i don’t know if they did

i don’t know if they did but

there was like people were like this is the end of the

world this is like

the most evil organizations ever

and one’s gonna buy the

other and they’re

gonna become one massive

super evil organization

would you imagine

they wanna fuck over the

whole world they

wanna take over the food industry they

wanna make sure that people have to pay them for

their crops

you don’t own your crops

you don’t own the seeds you can’t replant the seeds and

we got an army

we got an army private army

that will do anything we

tell yeah i need to find out if that actually is

still happening dude

if it was bullshit

or if they just hired him for something

yeah there’s this

great french documentary life according to monsanto

which is on google people

should yeah i

watched it yeah it’s

crazy what’s the seed called the one that doesn’t

you know you have to keep buying it

it’s not the shot the shotgun

it’s something like

it’s a seed that

doesn’t you know it’s not

a crop that will keep coming back you have to plant it

every season

fuck i don’t


modified seed that

you have to just the farmers are at monsanto’s mercy

because they can’t just keep

some of the the crops and read like

these things die every year

right right

right right

they’ve engineered them now

yeah they engineered the

what’s this car is

called anyway

but yeah no they’re like you’ve looked at

well okay here’s the answer

there they’re hiding it because it’s a

they’ve this is

one one article said monsanto buys blackwater

and then another

argument or another

article rather says black

water has been sold via a shell company and a pair

of private equity firms

so does this mean monsanto has

actually bought into

black water

and they’re saying there’s no way to know

how creepy and

scary are these


when one of the biggest

corporations that controls the food on this planet

has its own

private army

do you know how

crazy that is whoa

how come this isn’t being discussed

everybody wants to talk

about how many

black guys kim

kardashians fucked

everyone wants to talk

but i know gay people shouldn’t get

married yeah this is

scary people are

taking over the

world and you’re worried

about fucking guys

getting married yeah well the crazy

thing is people

think this is

ridiculous this is like hippie

nonsense all this fucking

you know what are you doing

listen no no no this is big business this is

what this is this is the biggest business in the world

the number one business in the

world besides drugs is food

and the only reason

why drugs is more than food is because drugs is illegal

food’s worth way more than drugs drugs

should be cheaper

but they’re illegal

fuck man but it’s probably not even

close anyway more people

spend way more

money on food than drugs anyway even though

drugs really

even if you’re

forget what i

was like a maniac yeah

you would have to be

off the charts

everybody would have to be off the charts

but anyway so

how the fuck man how

could this happen

i man dude i

that’s so scary

it’s very scary i mean i just read like on another

similar kind of

thing i just read

about there’s

gonna start selling genetically modified

salmon that grows

twice as big and in half the time

and you’re like

they’re like oh we’re not too worried

about this the

these cross

pollination and

going into the wild

and like course you’re gonna go

you’re like

you’d have no

and they’re like

oh the tests have proven that it’s fine like there’s

no really how long have you tested this on a

generation of people

no you haven’t no one has a

fucking clue no fucking idea they’re like oh we’ve

tried for three months

never no one got sick

let’s put a new species

of the animal that

way out on the

market for people to eat

there’s a fish that

i mean just

whenever an

animal comes from another ecosystem and invades

as an alien

they can ruin

everything man

i think there’s i

think it’s called the

snake head i

think that’s the name of the fish

but it’s a fish that i believe it’s

from africa i’m just talking out of my ass right now

i’ll find out what it is but

snakehead invasion

is what i’m

gonna look up

because these fish

they started

showing up in lakes and ponds and just eating

everything dude

eating everything yes

snakehead that’s exactly what it is

yeah they’re in

they’ve turned up in lakes and

rivers all over the country

and it’s a real big problem because they’re like

invincible they just came from

breed like a

motherfucker i’m looking for it on here

it doesn’t say what country comes from

why are they

so fucking cobra island

wikipedia let’s see

it’s a scary

thing though man they just come

in and like imagine if you’re like the guy who likes

going fishing and they’re

scary as fuck looking man they look like some fucking

crazy dinosaur

thing man okay

they are from africa so i wasn’t talking to my ass

so this is the

this is the fish

it looks like look at this shit

it looks like a dinosaur holy shit yeah

looks like a dinosaur i mean look at that fucking thing

that’s a creepy looking fucking fish

and dudes just

have them for pets i had piranhas for pets and it was

against the law

because of that very reason yeah

but i know a

dude who knows a dude i’m saying i’ll get you some

piranhas yo

how do i get a

legal piranhas

that’s pretty badass i

promise it was but it wasn’t there

like your cat

in there to feed them like what do you do i love my cat

man come on

well what it had no

goldfish goldfish

yeah goldfish is

is what they love okay

yeah it’s a it’s a trip

watching them feed too man

you can feed them hot

dogs and shit like that too if you’re really not into

watching them kill something

but there’s something so primal

about watching

those fucking

things just attack a

school of goldfish

and the goldfish it was really a sick

thing that i used to do

i used to get a bag of goldfish

and then i would sit i’d pull my bar

stool in front of this giant tank

this giant tank

how many how many

promise at one

point i had 30

jesus yeah it was a big tank

yeah it was huge tank was

i don’t know hundreds of gallons

i forget how many hundreds but it was really big

anyway it was

maybe over a thousand it

might have been over a thousand gallons i think whoa

i don’t even remember

anymore it’s been so many years anyways big tank

i had too many when i had like thirty

it was good number when i had like five

five is good number

because they get crazy you

start killing each other

if you have too many of them

they preach

not even if you have

too many of them just one of them shows up with a limp

hmm that’s a wrap

that’s rep daisy

even if they’re not hungry they just attack them

they just tack them and fuck them up

so i would dump the goldfish in there

and they would look at the goldfish for a

second and they

would like slowly move closer

slowly move closer

and then one of them

would go for it

and when one of them

would go for it they

would just dart snap

and cut a goldfish in half

and then the

blood would be in the

water and then it was on like donkey kong

and then i would sit there and

watch them go back and forth and chasing them around

these little

driftwood things and shit

and the goldfish don’t know what the fuck is going on

and they’re just getting cut down like a goddamn horror

movie just and they’re primal man they’re fucking

savage they’re stealing

dead goldfish from each

other like one’s got a half a goldfish the

other one comes out and bites it off of his face

so after a good

killing when they

would go nuts

they would be missing lips and shit

their lips would because they would be

stealing from each

other and they cut

their own lips off

so they were always like this really

they’re creepy looking anyway

but they were even more creepy when

their white

teeth were exposed and they’d be

swimming around this fucking tank

and a lot of people cut

their lips off

just so they can see the

white teeth

you pull them out and you remove

their lips and then you put them back in the

water and they swim around and

they swim around like monsters

they look even scarier that way modified piranhas

dude there’s a fucking

crazy piranha

it’s like a cousin

to a piranha

and they just fuck what is

the name of it this big

tiger fish and they just caught one in the

congo this guy went and they had this tv show about it

he caught this

thing in the congo

it’s the nuttiest

thing you’ve ever seen in your life

it’s got teeth that are as long as

great white

shark teeth

enormous teeth

and it looks like a

monster it does not look like a real fish

it look just this

ridiculous mouth of

giant fucking

teeth and just

these dead eyes and this

big fucking plate

covered body of death

just swimming through incredibly fast

waters and fucking

things up and it’s

huge it’s 100

pounds 150 pounds

they kill people

they’ve bitten people’s legs and shit taking

chunks out of them you fall in man

they bite you if you’re

still in there they’re

gonna keep biting

sit it’s a wrap

there’s a bunch of them there

they really are like a

giant piranha yeah

thank god we’re separated from

these fuck yeah man can you imagine

if those things had legs we’d all need to

well we’re fucked

fucking mountain lions increasing

population yeah

you know in

california especially

southern california it’s

every couple of years some asshole on a bike

gets jacked by a cougar

i know i love fucking hiking but i get so

i love smoking and

going hiking and i get so

i walk around my brother came to visit me

i was walking around with rocks

cause i saw a discovery channel thing

but people getting attacked by

mountain lions

bring mace if you

wanna bring

something bring like

i had bear mace that i used to

bring when i

would live in

colorado when i

lived in colorado i used to

carry a gun

i carried two guns once

a gun always and mace

i bring mace because bears you don’t really want to

shoot bears man

because first of all the nine

millimeter you

shoot a bear

guess what you’re not

gonna kill him

you’re just

gonna make him

really really fucking mad

you know and colorado

doesn’t have too many grizzlies like a lot of it was

black bears but

but they could i mean shit i mean

they’re in montana they’re in a lot of

places you don’t know i mean they don’t have a real

accurate number of how many grizzlies are out there

and they found a few in

colorado it was because there was

a zoo that we went

to that they had two grizzlies that were in the zoo

and the reason

why they had them in there was because they had

gotten too used to people

they start jacking people’s garbage

and once they

start jacking your garbage

that’s it they know that that’s a food source and they

never quit they

never move on to a new neighborhood

they just will

camp out and just jack your garbage

every night so it becomes an issue

and they have to kidnap them

fucking man that’s when you see them out there i mean i

never saw a bear in the wild but i did see a mountain

lion but seeing a bear

in in the zoo

and just thinking

about this thing is allowed to roam around

in the same area as you

yeah but this is a

monster this is a

giant fucking

enormous monster yeah

and sometimes they get really hungry oh

and they’ll eat your kids

they’ll fuck you up man yeah dude

did you see grizzly man no no

no dude you guys best comedy ever yeah

oh my god what’s

grizzly man grizzly man is a documentary

about this guy

named timothy treadwell

and timothy treadwell

was this guy who was like in love with grizzlies

it was one of the

weirdest things ever man

really strange and the guy was

uber gay just really gay and

completely in denial

and the way he

would like face his gayness

was to live in the woods with

these fucking bears

it was the strangest thing ever

this guy there was so many deep

psychological issues

going on with this

guy they’re like a bear

closet yeah like

they interview his friends and they’re like well he

used to talk in an accent then he stopped he’s one of

those guys and he’s

completely nuts

and he’d be out there

i’m the only one who’s out here saving

these bears

meanwhile the

park rangers like you don’t have to save them

right they’re

bears no one’s here

you’re not doing anything

you’re crazy

you’re living with

these bears you’re actually

endangering the bears because you’re

getting the bears used to being in contact with humans

and that’s what gets bears in

trouble they get used

to people being around because he’s around all the time

and they go well let me go just jack this dude picnic

basket and then you got to shoot him

so what he’s actually doing is fucking

these bears over right

so this guy is just out there

every year i’m here saving

these bears

these bears without me they’d be nowhere

and he’s like he calls them he has a

bunch of names so i’m

hello mr cupcake

you know and the bear takes a shit

and he runs over to the bear shit he goes it’s warm

oh it just came out of her butt

it just came out of her butt this is warm

it’s polish

warm like this guy is

touching it

and he’s excited

that he’s in contact with this

shit that just came out of her ass and i’m not kidding

and he thinks it’s a

magical shit

like he’s amazed by it this is amazing it’s warm

he actually said this he’s feeling her shit

saying that it’s warm

could you imagine if he was doing that to a woman

there’s a woman a

woman out you

know he runs into her bathroom and fucking

jacks her shit and he’s holding on to it it’s warm

just came out of her butt it’s warm

oh sure it’s just as

bizarre just as

bizarre to be doing that with a fucking bear you weirdo

great movie

is that on the end he dies yeah sure it is

it’s werner

herzog oh yeah

it’s fucking fascinating because

it seems like werner herzog is not in on the joke

which makes it even more interesting

it’s like this guy’s a brilliant documentarian

does he know how hilarious this is cause it

doesn’t appear that he does because it

doesn’t seem like he’s playing it off that way at all

and even when he talks to the

woman at the end i

would love to sit down with him

off the record and ask him a question

i would love to go

did you know that was

funny when you were doing it

because it’s goddamn brilliant dude

it’s hilarious

it’s so funny

sounds like a

great christopher

guest movie they

deadpan everybody too they

bring in like the sheriff

from up in alaska well i knew he was

gonna get in

trouble up there

fuck they have

these interviews with

these people and they’re

talking about

how he had to

recognize the body

and how they had to

shoot the bear

cause the bear was

still there like

guarding over the

bodies yeah

the guy had flown over

oh yeah you have to kill him once they

start killing people you have

to kill him

but what it was

was the guy

they called it suicide by bear

and what happened was the guy

had just decided to stay way past you’re supposed to

and when you get to a certain

point in time

the bears that are conscious or that are up

that aren’t hibernating

are all the ones who are dying

they’re all really old

and the really old bears get desperate and

they can’t get any food

and they started killing

their own babies

and when you see bears kill their own

babies you’re supposed to get the fuck out of there

cause if they’re killing

their babies they’re desperate as fuck

you know they’re eating anything they eat

their own goddamn

babies and he

basically went back in

october november when the bears are camping in

and bear killed him

and took a long time

and there’s a

video but there’s no

image because the lens cap was on

but the camera was running

and they have like

seven minutes of him getting torn

apart by bears

by this one bear

and cause the thing

about bears is

they just start eating you

see a real carnivore

or rather a real predator like a cat

cats kill you

first because they

wanna keep killing things

and they don’t

wanna have to

worry about

fighting you

you know the

hyenas though

hyenas just

start eating

and that’s the same with bears

bears they get you down they just

started eating

monkeys chimps when chimps kill monkeys

they just eat them

they don’t kill them

first there’s

videos of chimps

screaming while

monkeys rather

screaming while a chip

has a hold of its little body

and is biting its legs off

pulling it apart

and this monkey

screaming and it looks like a little person

it looks like a

weird little

person in an outfit

and it’s getting ripped

apart by this chimp who’s this

chewing on it

it’s fucking

dark dude and that’s what bears do

and that’s what

bear did to timothy treadwell

just ate him

for seven minutes

until he died somewhere that footage

exists to no

video man only

audio there’s no

video footage

yeah but werner herzog

listen to it that fucking he didn’t play it for us yeah

he said this this is too much for people to handle

we you need to burn this burn this like bitch

why don’t you let some

other people decide

maybe just being a little overreactive well

when did they

shoot that how long ago

it’s a few years ago it’s like

two thousand

five years ago maybe

maybe even more than that

it might have

been like 2004

if i go and

watch this video

every time she gets his head

chopped off my brother’s like yo

check out the

video i’m like what do you well there’s nothing

graphic about it 2005

there’s nothing graphic

about it i mean they

don’t really show you but when they say the way they

found out that the guy had died was that

they flew in like with some supplies for him

and as the guy was flying in a

plane he saw a bear

that was out

what you thought was unusual and he saw the

bodies like he flew over and saw like this the

white rib cage poking up of a guy that had just been

eaten he ate two people he

ate him and he ate his

girlfriend too they’re both fucked up there

so they landed

and they had a they had a land with rangers and

rifles and shit and they had to kill the bear

and the bear they killed

the bear and they left the bear this is the really

crazy thing

and then they came back a couple of

months later

fucking nothing left

nothing of the body

it had all been absorbed

animals had eaten it

other bears had eaten it

the bones were all

crushed up it was incredible they

found like a couple of rib bones

it’s really amazing

you’re talking about this

giant grizzly bear i mean they had

photos of the bear and

video footage of the bear

from previous

stuff that he had gotten before the bear killed him

back when they were

salmon running

like they got the bear eating fish and shit dude

giant animal and it just

within a few

months it’s gone

get really big before you

watch it though oh dude it’s one of the

greatest documentaries ever she’s the most

unintentional comedy

i think ever in a document it’s like

richard simmons out in the woods it’s like a coen

brothers movie

it really is like the coen brothers like

did it as a goof

it’s like yeah

i mean i really i mean

i was amazed but it’s kind of perfect that the bear

ate him like in terms of the documentary like sure yeah

her song was probably there going yes

yeah well i believe he

started the documentary

after the guy died

oh okay yeah

how did they he had

video footage that he had shot himself for

years and years

by himself and he’s so

crazy he would set up the camera

and he would look into the camera

i’m out here

alone in this forest

protecting these bears

cause no one else gives a shit

no one gives a shit so

fuck you park ranger

fuck you united

states government

fuck you alaska like he’s just

going off like

screaming okay let’s try this

again take three

and they’ll do it

over and over and over

again and he obsessively filmed himself

so they have

not only do

they have this incredible wealth of footage from here

but i watch the grizzly man diaries okay

because he has

so much footage they turned into a fucking reality show

seven years

after this dude dead

okay and i watch it all the time

there’s a fucking reality show i

didn’t know that dude

i watch it all the time you

wanna watch it so it’s just like all the

after we’re done here

bro let’s get something to eat we’ll hit the fucking

vaporize and

we’ll fucking have a good time

it’s genius man it’s just

he’s just gold he’s gold all day i wish the

motherfuck was still

alive wasn’t

there a part i’d have him on the podcast in a hot beat

fun wasn’t there a part in it

where he goes everyone

did you already say this

everyone thinks i’m gay

then he talks

about it oh yeah there’s a

part he walks

with a camera he’s like

well you know

you know i guess no this is what he said

he goes would be so much easier if i was gay

you know just can’t

i just can’t find a girl can’t find the right girl

i can’t find the right girl

maybe it’s because you’re living in the woods with

monsters you fuck like which

chicks want to be

put in a nice roof over

their head okay they

wanna be taken care of they want a

man who loves them and supports them take you know what

yeah let’s go

live in a house made of fabric

okay amongst monsters

you want me to

sleep outside on the ground

with no more than fabric

above me while

monsters roam around

they’re my friends look it’s mr cupcake

hey mr cupcake

when you eat me

in a couple of

months can you

think you could

start from the head

first so i die

quicker as for

seven minutes this guy dies

think about how fucking long

think about holding your breath for

seven minutes

right that’s a long ass time

now think you can’t do it

now think about something eating you

for seven minutes before you die eating you

just pulling chunks out you’re

screaming and it’s just eating your feet

and you’re just squirting blood like a broken faucet

when you just pass out

i don’t know man i don’t know so you’re like okay i’m

dying and you accepted and then you wake up when

he bites your dick off

six more minutes you’re like okay

okay i’m gonna die

still still conscious to

he just starts eating your asshole just big chunks at

he’s got his giant paw and he puts it on your cheek

and just ripping out your asshole

just pulling it

literally eating your asshole while you’re still alive

dude man fuck a bear man fuck a bear

people in my neighborhood too and i

lived in the

colorado mountains

like well if you see a bear you report it

what the fuck are you talking i’m

gonna shoot that thing

i’m gonna shoot the fuck out of that thing

if i had a rifle

not with the

pistol though the pistol you got to use the main span

fucking scary animals god damn it

we need them

we need them we need them in our woods

fuck you we do

fucking kill

them all put them in zoos that’s why i don’t do the

whole i don’t i don’t know if you guys surf

but i have a

bunch of friends at surf and they want me to go i

like you you do you have any ideas like

the size of

monsters in

there guy just died recently in

santa barbara yeah

man they bit

in half in front of his friends like

if sharks were walking on land

you’d go i’m not

going where

those monsters are hanging out but

you go really on this little board

you’re going

where there are like

things that eat people

that are twice or

three or four times the size of you

you know what i

think i’m gonna play if i’m

gonna surf i’m

gonna do it on the xbox yeah right

i’ll do that

this is what i tell people if there were

three werewolves in the country

fact proven

three werewolves

would you ever be in the woods at

night on a full moon ever

why the fuck

would you take that chance

you wouldn’t okay

well there’s a million

sharks you fuck

and they’re not just

sharks when it’s a full moon

they’re sharks

every day and they can’t even stop

cause if they stop they

drown so they have to keep

swimming and they have to keep eating

they choose and license

plates and tires and they’ll eat you

they’ll eat you bro and they’ll eat you

quick they take

giant bites out of you and you’re fucked

i’m sure surfing is awesome

but it ain’t that awesome i wear

shoes in the

ocean i won’t even

fight you know that i

did like the

biggest pushy thing ever

give me some

knuckles on that

smart thinking

right there

yeah i mean people

will always like

there’s another subject

where joe needs to

lighten up he’s so scared of

things so paranoid of things

obviously a lot of this is for


folks i’m not like shaking

every time i walk by the

ocean but the

point being

logically and realistically we’re all

gonna die eventually

absolutely but

that’s not the fun way to go

the fun way to go is you live a long life

you fucking

party your ass

off you make a lot of good friends and people miss you

when you’re gone you’re surrounded by your friends and

loved ones as you pass to the next stage of

existence not

oh look how pretty the water is

where’s my legs

and the thing is just taking

chunks out of you

i mean fucking huge man i mean there are

sharks that are

30 feet long out there

what are you talking

about 30 feet long

thirty feet long with

giant mouths that have so many

teeth if one

breaks off another one pops into its

place there’s no animal like it in the

world every

other animal when they lose a

tooth they’re fucked

okay if a lion loses his

tooth man that’s just a new

young lions

gonna take over


you can’t be gum and no gazelles

how you protecting me with them fucking shitty teeth

that that lion dies off not a

shark they can lose a hundred

teeth what a clink

clink oh i got more clink clink

just designed to fuck you up man and you’re

drowning at the same time

it’s like not

how fucking

horrible is drowning

you’re drowning

while something is eating your entire body

like those piranha

fucked up those goldfish man

i’m just scared of

karma man i’m fucked a lot of goldfish over

to a watery grave

if there’s any

karma out there i mean

the universe does it really give a fuck

about the difference

between life of a goldfish or life of a person

and i took some pleasure in the

death of goldfish and i set it up

i introduced some

alien fish that

aren’t even supposed to be in this environment i had

a fake artificial environment in my own home

and i would use it for

a little goldfish coliseum

playing god man i’m playing god man i ain’t

going in that

water i know what i did

wrong i’m not

going in that

water someone’s

gonna make a

genetically modified goldfish that’s

gonna get huge and it’s

gonna come for you man it’s

gonna grow legs

it’s gonna come

knock on your door did you hear

about the shit that’s

going on in russia man

what’s going on russia

dude the wolves

what is this

going on on the

screen there brian

some weird shit

right there that’s

always been like that what is it it’s like the design

oh you put it there yeah oh you fucking weirdo

trying to be artistic

anyway there’s a pack of

wolves in this area of russia there’s

unprecedentedly big

400 wolves and they’re acting

together and they’re killing livestock like horses

they’re acting together as a group

it’s really scary

and they have

groups of hunters that are

going after them

let me pull it up real

quick oh it’s really scary

imagine you’re in a

what’s that

little stroll

400 wolves dude

it’s really

scary there’s a

video of wolves in russia have you ever seen the

video on youtube

yo you gotta

check out this

video it’s fucking badass have you ever seen it

brian no some

people think it’s fake

i do not believe it’s fake

it’s a video of

these guys that are pulling over people in in russia

they’re pulling

people over for like traffic violations and it’s you

know they’re

right by the walls

the woods rather

and as they’re in there

one guy is pulling a guy over

a guy yells who’s on the

other side of the street

and as he yells

the guy who’s the cop

panics he yells something in russia panics

and gets into the car of the people he pulled over

jumps in it quick

and as he jumps in it

this pack of

wolves runs down the

street it’s a

motherfucker dude

and as they’re running they go hey

why do people think it’s fake

oh a lot of people don’t think it’s real you know

people call fake mean looking

about you you call fake and everything

pull pull yeah

pack of wolves police officer

pull that up on youtube

but anyway so this

super pack of wolves is terrorizing this fucking town

they’ve killed 30 horses in four days

yeah what they’ve

never seen anything like it before and they’ve had to

put bounties on the wolves heads

so they’re cooking 210 i don’t know what it is

because it’s

pounds i believe it is it might be euros 210 euros

it’s probably euros right do they go under the euros

that was a vodka

by the way it wasn’t

right was it fake yeah it was fake okay

well this isn’t a vodka i

find this quickly

how did they find how did they make it a vodka

i searched it and it says

wolf attack videos a viral ad for

vodka brand but it doesn’t even have the vodka

it’s vodka pull the video it’s pretty dope

find out it does seem a little bit too

well filmed yeah it did too good of a job

so anyway this

think about this shit man

that the the temperatures up there are

minus forty nine degrees celsius

and it killed off all the normal prey of these wolves

since wolves thrive in cold weather

but there’s a lot of animals

yeah what are you doing man

just cue that shit up so we don’t have to

watch this guy’s gay ad

presents i present

here it goes so

yeah see that looks like

too well framed

you know oh yeah

that’s a good traffic camera yeah

both cars are in frame

but it’s pretty

dope man i like when it happens i wish it was real

yeah i wish it was a werewolf yeah

so i mean think

about that temperature

right there 49 degrees celsius

that’s fucking

crazy that’s edmonton

minus 49 degrees yeah

and so these

wolves have

nothing to eat

so they all figured out how to get together

and this population in this town

is only 1 300 people

so wrap your head around that 1

300 people 400 wolves

so almost for every

three people there’s a wolf

oh man what the fuck man get the fuck out of that

town dude every

three people there’s a wolf

the chances of you

dying by wolf attack are like

the chance of you

dying of old age or

nothing it’s terrifying and it’s just

started to happen

again there’s been two instances in the last

fucking hundred years or so

and they’ve both been within the last 10 years

of people getting killed by

wolves it’s on record

yeah we used to

think that like

wolves are cool man they’re like dogs man they’re like

rebels no they’re fucking killers

they’ll kill you too

you know if they

catch you alone

we used to have like

remember the old walt disney movies

there was like the wolves

try to get beauty and the

beast the wolf

would fucking

sneak up on

him yeah he

would have to fucking

fight off the

wolves that wanted to kill beauty

right remember that shit oh yeah

they attacked them

that’s real

we just have

fucked them over so bad in this country

that we started to have respect for them

again like oh

wolves aren’t so bad

yeah they’re cool man

we need them they’re beautiful

they represent freedom

wolves represent freedom

like i never

think about

wolves but this guy

thinks about wolves

every day yeah i think

about all animals

cause i’m closer to an animal than you are

for sure there’s 1

dna differential whatever the fuck it is

between humans and chimpanzees i’m closer yeah wait

i’m work at

god damn it

i’m too close i want to go into the woods

that’s i’m gravitating i gravitate

towards wild yeah

if i if we lived in

if there was a rainforest i’d

fucking live in it if we have a rainforest right here

i figured how do you kill the bugs what do you go

gonna do electricity

can you zap them

i need to have

an area around but

live in a fucking rainforest that

would be the shit

yeah by shit you mean

insanely dangerous

yeah and boring

if spiders can kill you if spiders can kill you

going there

how about spiders that destroy your hormones man

there’s a fucking

brazilian spider that we talked

about what the fuck was that

thing called i’m just

scared of i don’t remember i’m just scared of

regular spiders in my bed because

you read that some of

these spiders are poisonous here in

california and they hide in your

shoes in your

bed the black

widows here

that have the

yeah they’re

black and brown

those things

scare yeah i saw

brown outside my

house the other recluses

are the scary ones

because recluses they do something to your skin that

causes your skin to die

so causes your

tissue to dissolve it’s really fucked up man

necrosis i believe it’s called

and when they bite you you know

they unload on you with all this fucking toxin

and it just

crushes your skin

whereas like

giant gaping

wounds occur

from one little

spider bite because all the area around your skin

dies and rots it’s

scary shit man

really spooky shit

let me find this

i’m never going out

again i’m taking this

flashlight home brazilian wandering

spider that’s what it is and i believe we’ve talked

about it on the podcast before

you gotta look this up

were you always a musician

like growing up or like

what did you have

growing up don’t change

subject motherfucker we’re talking

about vipers shit

i wanted to bring

up this this one

thing we’re talking

about the the hornet

versus hornets

versus wasps

thing that you mentioned

was it hornets

versus wasps

when the hornets attack the bees

nests or whatever

yes did you see that

watch that dude that

was military

shit dude that’s

scary those are

monsters i mean if they were big they were like

horses can you imagine if a bee was the size of a horse

this is what it’s called the burmese

russell viper

that’s what it is it’s a russell

viper and what

these things they

cause uncontrollable

hemorrhaging of your

pituitary gland

where all your sex hormones are controlled

so if you get bit by this fucking

thing and if you survive the bite

which you probably won’t

you’ll be permanently impotent

and you become like a eunuch

like you lose all your pubic hair

you stop producing testosterone

your body just gets

jacked you get neutered

you get neutered by a bite no this is a python oh yeah

what the spider does is the spider

breaks your dick

by forcing you

to have raging uncontrollable hard ons that you can’t

like painful agonizing hormones

hard ons and when the hard ons over

your dicks broken

so either you’re dead

either you die

and then by the way it’s the most potent toxin

of any spider so

it either kills you or

you live and your dick’s broken forever

so both animals

break your dick

it’s just like they’re instinctively

we’re afraid of

spiders you

even see like

just a tiny spider like

because some of

those can fuck you fuck

yeah there’s genetic memories i’m

absolutely convinced and i’ve read

about it before

where they this guy

rupert shell

drake was talking about

he believes in

evolutionary biologists

and he was talking about

how animals

are what people were really terrified of

monsters like

no matter what

the real dangers of your environment if you’re a

child and you live in new york city

you’re not worried

about car accidents or rapists

you’re worried

about monsters

and the reason being is because there’s some ancient

ancient memories of us when we used to get killed by

jaguars and shit

and we’re scared of the

night and we’re scared of monsters

because that’s really what they were

and the ones that survived of this

carried this incredibly potent

terrifying memory

and it’s actually imprinted into people genetically

you know we have this idea

of instincts you know people have certain instincts

but then what does that mean

what does instincts mean

you know something already

how do you know something already is it because of past

experience of your ancestors

and as it comes through your genetics

well how much

stuff goes in there

how much information is there

what they’ve shown

is that memes and some ideas even useless ones like

racism can be


through genetics

so the same thing that

causes you to like have an instinct

you know to not do something like

don’t go near heights oh

you know you already know it instinctively

the same thing

is actually

you can transmit

other ideas into people’s heads

you can transmit even talent

maybe into people’s heads

it’s pretty fucking

tripping when you think

about it because

we don’t have a documentation of

where all our information comes from

i mean how much of your information is from your

ancestors how much of it is from

all these people that have

lived before you that have made mistakes and

learned from them and you sort of have this

internal wisdom thing

going on because of that i believe that totally right

when you meet someone who’s wise beyond

their years you know what is that is it

that they’ve

had an incredibly difficult life that’s a possibility

or is it that you know

somehow or another they have gotten

a rich history

of people who have survived and

learned shit

and it’s incorporated into

their dna yeah

yeah yeah and

yeah and it’s very

egotistical also to

think that oh

i’m just a smart person

where i’m very careful

because i’m afraid like it’s like no you are afraid

you have millions of years of people going

that is bad

that is good

that is bad that is good and it’s not either or

it’s not either or i mean

you certainly have

learned you

certainly are

smart and there’s

you know some people most

certainly do

learn better

from fucked up

situations there’s a lot of them that

absolutely do yeah i got a lot of buddies who don’t

learn man there’s a lot of that

going on man

yeah man there’s a lot of people that don’t ever

learn and you just

gotta constantly fucking talk to him

about shit dude come on really what

fuck him man what

yeah yeah i got a

buddy just got a

third dui and i’m like really like

are you in like what i don’t

actually i don’t get that because i am now very bad

at drinking and driving

but i’m 3d are you

bad or are you

good at no i’m really good at it and i

think i don’t know if it’s

video games you drink

a lot you gotta

watch that well

how well you

drink and drive

well i mean

i think having a few beers is considered

drinking and driving so i probably

drink and drive

every day whoa

dude listen

first of all

you’re just kidding

because people

can hear this and

cops listen to this dummy

if they ever pull you over

i’m a fan of the podcast you

know what i’m

saying is like get out of the car or

which comedy club you’re gonna hear

what i’m saying is that anytime you go out you have

maybe a couple drinks

you go in your car that’s considered

drinking and driving

you know if you have two beers in you that’s drunk

whenever i know whenever

brian is wrong

about something he gets very

excited no this is his

voice no it’s

how much how much you

wanna bet i bet you

money two beers is

drunk and you get

pulled over yes oh yeah you can that’s what i’m saying

right well especially

man that’s what i do what

i know if i’m

going out anywhere i’m

drinking alcohol

my problem is i don’t do the two

like if i have two or three even

i’m like all

right i’m a big boy

i know how to stay in between the lines and

stuff but the problem is

if i did get pulled over of course i

could get a dui

what i want to know is these

people that have

three of them are this

is that usually the case is that usually the case that

i mean is your friend

like blackout

drunk driving

or is he you know

just i mean it’s i don’t know

maybe he’s just got bad luck

right no no no

this guy does not have bad luck

so the only

three times i’ve ever had more than one

drink in my life this

guy’s got good luck

really it’s

worse than that

that’s scary are you

gonna are you done

after three he’s done because he may go to jail

oh i’m never

gonna do that

again really

after two people are

scary oh yeah

drunks and cars man yeah

people are scary

people i mean

that’s the real

problem is there’s too many of us and we can’t

help everybody get

their shit together

so you’re always

gonna be around a

bunch of people that are broken

no matter what

the way our society

exists it’s just too goddamn big

it’s too big

and the competition is too

powerful and too

strong for us to pay attention to all

these people that are falling by the wayside

so if you don’t pay attention to them

well all these fucking

idiots they’re just running around

slamming into people

and you can’t fix them

you can’t fix them man

they can’t evolve the

whole world it’s like god damn

i only got a certain amount of years this is ridiculous

there’s nothing

you can do to help them they have to help

themselves and they don’t want to and they don’t even

think there’s anything

wrong with them

you know like fuck you

bitch ain’t nothing

wrong with me bitch yeah

can you imagine you

the end of your life is

some idiot who’s just like fuck in

waste against

car i can drive home happens all the time man

it’s terrifying

that’s the end of

and no one you know and there’s so many

of them out there that’s almost nothing you could do

about it you just have to

be vigilant

keep an eye out be very careful as you driving

you know getting connected in

in any way randomly

you know on purpose to fucking nuts to people that suck

to the dummies

so many of them out there man we all

know him we all know dudes who are just beyond fixing

you know like there’s nothing like i know a

bunch of dudes to the

fight and knew i

could get away with it i fucking

shoot him right now

right in the head

if i was alone in the woods and it was like armageddon

time and like there was no more

media and cell

phones didn’t work anymore

yeah and i thought this dude be a problem i

just walk them in the woods come on let’s go for a walk

yeah man i saw some deer over here you

might help me hunt yeah

let’s go hunt

it’s over there boom yeah

fucking i remember

you said one of the people

in austin and scared the shit out of

whoever we were with i can’t remember we were oh really

like are you

being sissy

being serious

you do that

like enough

mice and men you just

bring your friend like

look over there we’re

gonna go to that bar we’re

gonna pick up

chicks all night we’re

gonna get wasted it’s

gonna be a good time

just keep looking there pow

yeah there’s certain people that you worry

when you’re around

them there’s certain people that you feel like they’re

gonna victimize

your loved ones you know there’s certain people

like a certain

level of criminal

certain level of

violent offender

and random violent

offender like people rape

and beat women up and then

that could be your mom it

could be your

sister it could be your

daughter that guy

should be dead

dead not in jail not for a year not for a day

shoot em and let’s

move on okay we got a broken person we can’t fix em

their favorite

thing to do

is to hurt people

the favorite

thing to do is to hurt people that you love

and the vulnerable ones the

women really

kill it yeah kill

it now kill it with fucking fire or bullets whatever is

cheapest fuck him

sorry come back as a butterfly suck my cock bye bang

bang bang fuck you

stupid yeah you do it

humanely yeah

also he doesn’t know he’s

gonna die we just saw it yeah

doesn’t even matter if it’s

humane just fucking shoot him

his last moments

are important

you know don’t torture him

but you know what is the police stop

shut the fuck up yeah

doesn’t matter if you yell at him you’re

gonna shoot him in the head

was it worse to yell at

him yeah right

well animals in the zoo i mean how

many animals in the zoo need to be fed and what are we

gonna give em

steak that’s stupid

give em live chickens give em

fucking people man

get some cunts

throw cunts in there

i bet bears

would love to eat cunts

yeah they’re

tired of berries

too tired of picnic

baskets just

throw a cunt in that cage

some fucking guy has been busted for the fifth time

drinking and driving

slides into a family of five

throw them in that fucking cage

dana white will be in charge of that in the suit no

no that’s when i take over the ufc dan is gonna retire

they’re gonna ask me to take his job

i’m gonna go okay i got an idea though sit down

listen okay after the nuclear war

life is cheap yeah dude i watched that man

yeah i would too that’s the problem

you know i mean if there was

if we could go back in time right now to the colosseum

you know what would you do would you

stand up and say you must stop this

please what are you doing no

you would sit down and you

would go you’re gonna drink that wine yeah fuck it

we would we would be sitting there we would be

drinking wine right next

to us there’d be some old dude fucking some

boy in the ass you know that’s how they rocked it back

they would just bend them over the fucking

rails the coliseum and

bang them in the ass

while the while the the

things are going on yeah

dude there were banging little boys left and

right back then

and you just had to look away

look away and be

glad how long

would it take us to be banging boys would

say we jump in

a time machine and you’re like

it’s just so

culturally accept and like

everyone’s doing all of a

sudden you’re like

and you’re like why am i bugging this kid

you imagine

you’re like

you’re like oh well it’s kind of accepted and then

you go back to the future and you’re like what you do

not much how much

powdered wig

yeah that’s hilarious that is so funny

oh my god how long

would it take you to

think in jail before you

start going gay

never never you

never go again

i would go again

what if it was like a really

feminine guy like really soft hardly any pubes


forever like everyone who

says they wouldn’t like you’re like i’m sure

those fucking dudes when they were

going to jail like i’m not gonna

be gay and like 15 years

down the line like well i feel like fucking something

i don’t think it’s 15 days man yeah i

think they just

start getting

their dick sucked right away

fuck it with

and the mexican community they call it

gay for the stay

there’s a thing with

a lot of people

that go to jail and then do some gay shit but they only

do it in jail when they get out they’re not gay at all

you ever see that american me that

edward james almost movie

there was a lot of that

going on that

movie like he

would come out

he was all fucked up sexually just wanted to rape

chicks bang him in the ass

because that’s how you get guys in jail

yeah it’s a really creepy

movie man it was like

the first real exposure to the mexican gang

culture that i ever had

or any la gang

culture you know

that in colors

i watched a

music video for

colors the other day and i forgot about that

voice colors

i am a nightmare

walking psychopath

talking is ice

t before he played a cop on tv

isn’t that the most

ridiculous shit ever

ice t is a cop on tv is like

but he just

what how did that happen

he had a song called cop killer

a song okay

it wasn’t a part he was playing he

wrote that shit

you know i’m a

motherfucking cop killer

remember he was

iced he was in a

rap a rock band for a

while remember

that body count body

count body count

body motherfucking count

that was some hard i

met him at the comedy store one

night he was in the in the audience the comedy

store one he was cool yeah

i met make some joke i forgot what it was but

i was a big ice

t fan when i was a kid

i used to listen to newspapers i used to listen

to ice t’s rap

albums let’s get buck

naked and fuck

get the buck

naked holy shit

he had some

great shit it’s just so

weird seeing him playing a cop it’s like what

huh iced tea

is playing a dad

you kids sit down back there

and yeah he’s

ice cube ice

cube rather

he’s playing a dad yeah like man

i mean he is a dad i

understand all that but god damn dude

if eazy were

alive he’d be like on two and a half men or something

if eazy was

alive he’d take a dick out of his

mouth and go will you stop that that’s gay

yeah body count had the song

where they he kills his mom yeah

flushed her down a toilet

we were kids going yeah what the

fuck is wrong with yeah

he went as dark as he could oh yeah it was easy e the

first guy to ever die from aids

in the world or

is this the real

in the entertainment world was it arthur ash or

was it eazy e

i don’t remember

who died first i think eazy

is the first one i know arthur ash debates right yeah

and out of it

yeah yeah eazy

e was one of the rare ones because i remember when

eazy e died of aids i was like holy shit like

i was thought this was just the beginning

and i’m looking down the line at some mad max situation

where i’m walking around town with a fucking one of

those chinese

face mask things on you

know you always see the chinese people at the airport

i’m like what the fuck man is this really

gonna happen like everyone’s just

gonna start dropping like flies

and then it just stopped

yeah and you’re like what the fuck was eazy e doing

that magic johnson was it

he was not fucking the

flashlight it’s

weird man that’s

weird right yeah what the fuck’s up with

magic johnson like i’m kinda

creeped out

it’s crazy yeah

i’ve heard a

bunch of different

stories so i can’t really comment i’ve

heard stories

about him taking

medication i’ve

heard stories that he

doesn’t need the

medication anymore

and then i heard he

stopped taking the

medication and his symptoms

started reoccurring

the weird thing is that he tests

negative apparently

you can test

hiv negative

because the way

hiv works is what you can really test is

you can test for the antibodies

i don’t think they can accurately

test for the actual

virus inside you

very tricky well the first guy ever

who was hiv positive through it’s not

clear how it happened but

the first hiv positive

they cured it

somewhere in

sweden or something oh with stem cells

right yeah with the stem

cells right yeah yeah that was recently yeah

like a month ago or

something amazing how much

shit they can accomplish with stem cells they have to

dance around

stuff and they have to like like

like the skin

have you heard

about this thing that they’ve got

there’s a new

thing that they’ve figured out how to do

where they can actually

take cultures from your skin they reproduce

with your own stem cells

and then they

spray it in sort of a gun

on your skin

where it’s burnt

and it only takes

a certain amount

of time to cultivate like an hour or two to cultivate

they can do it really quickly

they reproduce this

stuff and then they

spray it on you and it

radically cuts down healing time

radically like

they showed this one guy who had been burnt in a fire

and then he

looked like he didn’t have a fucking scratch on him

they showed images of this guy

giant blistering

second degree

burns big welts all over his hand and shit

well they spray this shit on him man

and it builds like within four days

you’ve got like

new skin and it looks healed it’s a trip

and it’s all stem cells

but people say he’s

going to hell though

it’s from his own body though this is what

people don’t

understand you don’t have

to kill babies to get stem cells yeah

everyone thinks that

everything comes from the fetus

but you don’t have to now they have a way to reverse

it like to take your own and reverse it to like it’s

i don’t i fucking don’t

what people thought

was that they were

gonna encourage abortion because people

needed babies they needed

stem cells from fetuses yeah

you know god damn

man you know

let him work with shit it’s like these

nutty christians that have these

kooky ideas

about what they

should and shouldn’t do with

tissue and cells like what the fuck

what should you do

if a girl has an abortion

should you just flush it

you’re telling me

if there’s something that

you can learn in there that can unlock the

secret to immortality

or cure cancer or whatever the fuck it can do

you’re telling me you

should just

throw it away because it’s dead and it’s immoral and

somehow none of that you’re profiting off of abortion

yeah but the reality is people are so creepy

they probably

would start doing abortion

right they would

start encouraging them

dude i be you want a fucking baby

holy shit they yell

dude how long before there was abortion porn

think about that

people like just how long before they

would start paying

for abortions

yeah dude you

know we had this point

fucked up with

point like and

sex deficit

you think it

probably already is a bro

listen to this we had a porn star on that 90 show

podcast i did yesterday that was eating out a girl and

bleeding and they were like you know she

started her period and

found out it was a miscarriage

into her mouth oh

so it was she was eating a

pussy probably

two pussies

a pussy and

i put you in bed

somewhere like guys

would pay a lot of

money as double pussies

i’m so sad right now

so sad right now

thanks for letting me

human beings man we

fucked up shit

well that’s not anybody’s

fault there no no that’s that was kayla page

to support kayla page yeah

oh you were telling me about her right

so you you’ve been doing

these naughty show podcast are you gonna keep doing

those yeah i’m sure tell everybody about the

other podcast you have cause you have a website

deathsquad tv

right now they’re

all the podcasts are there they’re all on it

people ask us what is this death

squad shit what you guys badass

no it’s totally not that is it opie

from opie and anthony nicknamed us the death

squad a long time ago

right because

i came onto the opie and anthony show and at the time

it was my friend

tate fletcher who was on the ultimate

fighter and

he was on the show at the time he came with me and

eddie bravo who’s the

jiu jitsu guy

so they’re just my friends we were just

traveling together and so they came into the

studio and opie goes oh joe rogan brought in the

death squad

and then we just

started like

that’s right with a death

squad bitch

so juvenile and ridiculous

and so over the top and retarded

so we decided to keep it yeah so we

did this naughty show podcast it’s usually a porn star

and sam tripoli’s naughty show and sam who’s our

buddy he’s been on the podcast a

bunch of times and i did

a bunch of touring

with sam up in canada and we did toronto together

sam’s awesome yeah jason team

and so anyways it’s once a week jason

heaps awesome too i won’t

leave you out

there dude yeah you know i love you anyways

right all the

desk watch tv

and so is there

all all the

pilots we do a lot of and they also

do whenever there’s a ufc

they get hammered

and they watch the

ufc together and do their own

coinciding podcast like talking shit

about fights as they go down

right and sometimes

you even had joey on that one one yeah

right we have joey

how fucking fun was that it was

great you get

to go watch the

ufc with joey i have to commentate man yeah

he sits next to joey diaz

you know that’s good you

can’t you can’t get any better


than joey diaz

last the last ufc

high on acid okay

he drops two tabs of acids and

watching cage

fights and they all i mean what was that

like what was that like sitting there with him for six

hours well it’s

like you’re in bed with him because the seats are so

small so you kind of like

on his lap holding like a big

stuffed animal

so you got that

you got that but then you got

the most hilarious commentary

and what’s cool is that

that’s what we do on the ufc

drunk as we pretty much

will have some people like that joey

diaz and stuff like that and just getting

drunk and watching ufcs

and it’s kind of like

commentaries a

lot of your fans like to re

watch the ufcs

that’s like hey you know turn

it on with our commentary this time and it’s just a

bunch of other you know

comics just

doing your job

but drinking and smoking but allowed to

do it the right way and

do it the right way yeah well i

could never do it the

right way too because a lot of

things you say when you’re

fucking around with your friends are very disrespectful

right you know you say good

night bitch

what the fuck i tell you

you know hope you brought your jammies

you know guys will sit when they’re

drunk and they’re

stone and they’re talking shit

but they would

never say that to the

fighter or want the

fighter to hear that i don’t want anybody else to even

it’s only between friends as a goof

right so what joey

could say is so much different than anything i

could say joey says

crazy shit sometimes i saw him on the

your alec the alex jones

thing oh my god

so fucking he’s the

funniest guy that’s ever

lived man we did

vegas two weeks ago dude

he came up and he opens up the show

which is the perfect way to do it

joey’s not like

an act that likes to do like an hour joey

doesn’t have time to do an hour and he’s not

his pace he’s got this

destructo 15

minute pace

and that’s what he does he

doesn’t want to do a 45 minute set

so when i take joey on

the road with me it’s like i’m taking another headliner

i mean he’s a fucking headliner and he opens

and he goes up and just

smashes it dude

he made me laugh so hard i

literally fell down

i was leaning

against the wall we were all back there

joey was on

stage and we were in

the alleyway that leads to the

stage where the curtains are at the

the lion king theater

in mandalay bay

big giant ass fucking place

and we’re leaning up

against the wall

and joey’s killing so hard

we’re all rocking

back and forth and dudes are bending over

people are slapping their legs

we’re all like moving around

we were standing

still but nobody was

standing still

you’re laughing i

literally fell down

i fell down i

dropped to a knee

that’s awesome

crushes he’s got this bit

about this yoga

he’s taking yoga lately

and is a sixty

eight year old lady in his yoga

class i’m gonna fuck that old

bitch i swear to god joe rogan

he’s get this bit

about it and it’s

we were crying

laughing man

he’s got this bit about

getting in a

fight a true

story about a

fight that he got in with a nun when he was a kid

oh you gotta fucking see it man

is that the funniest shit you’ve ever seen

anything he says

is hilarious

he’s such a fucking

treat to hanging out

in arizona this weekend too

yeah where’s he at

the new club i believe

no no he’s on some

completely different

thing yeah because they got

upset with him

that he wasn’t doing the new

club and he’s like you’re not even open yet stupid wow

danny murgos

with him gamer

but joey is

he’s one of

those guys man that just makes you

there’s him back then when he was really young

that’s what i met joey

grab that picture man

grab that picture

for the folks on

you stream you’ll be able to see this for folks

watch on itunes

i don’t know if it’s available online anywhere

i have to upload it

but this was joey

diaz when i

first met him

and joey only

weighed like you know like fucking 210

215 pounds he’s a big guy he’s always been like a big

football player looking guy

and this is him you know

right after he

started doing comedy i met him like a couple years

after he started

when he moved from seattle to la

was he a comedy

store guy yeah yeah yeah

he’s just such a fun fucking guy

there’s people that you meet in your life

and they’re just the life of the party you

know no one in my life has ever been the life of the

party like joey diaz

you know i’ve met a couple

crazy people that are cool to hang around with

every now and then

but no one just gets shit jumping like joey diaz

i mean he goes on

stage dancing and

right away just

sets the tone and you know

he’s the fucking man dude

he’s so fun

so important

man have fun fucking cool people in your life yeah

you know is that the most important

thing in life it really is right yeah

more than anything else yeah being some rich cunt

who’s no friends that’s

gotta suck bad man

you know being some dude

living in some

giant fucking mansion

14 ferrari using

movies about running

sweatshops and shit like

bates and cain

the social network

it sucks to be rich and by yourself yeah

it’s gotta be

how what a dumb

thing to say

is it important to have friends

i’m barney hi

kid i love you

you love me

that’s you see things when you have kids see

everything through the eyes of children shows

my daughter took a

fucking log a log in her

potty the other day that i

swear to god look like joey

dia shit in there

i couldn’t believe how big it is it’s a

shocking i almost took a picture of it

but i just thought that’s disrespectful

but my daughter shits on twitter

i just wanted everybody

to see it like you need to take a look at this this

doesn’t even seem normal

i need to go to a doctor

her shit was like my forearm

was that her

first big show no she takes logs

she’s my daughter she’s a little savage

savage is fucking

eating meat and shit

i bought venison jerky

and like she is tears into this shit

just chewing up venison jerky it’s really weird man

you know you look at little babies

like the newest

baby baby rogan number two is only she’s almost nine

months old and

when when she gets food like

it doesn’t matter like she can eat

solid food but you

gotta watch her you

gotta be careful

you gotta make sure that she can’t get anything she

could choke on

but she always

screams for food and one of the

things she likes to do is get bones

she likes to like put bones in her

mouth and lick the bones

and it’s like a big like

like a rib bone

you know and it’s just so

weird to watch

this little baby

with these a bone from a dead animal

and she’s completely

transfixed on this thing

she has one fucking

tooth man she’s got one

tooth and she’s

gnawing at this bone with this meat on it and like

if you try to take it from her she will fucking

scream i mean

scream the baby wants the murdered animal

you know just instinctual nature is

more than anything else i’ve

given her apples

i’ve given her bananas i’ve

given her a

bunch of shit

before and she likes it it’s all good it’s all nice

but nothing like that bone

you give her a bone it’s just like giving a dog a bone

you know you give

a dog dog food they’re like hey

thanks for the dog food

you give a dog a bone

and you test how what your relationship is with him

you know cause you

might want to take that back i want that bone back

oh what’s up

bitch yeah i

found your line

this is the line

you know my dog bit me a few times taking his bone

really yeah

yeah well he was a biter i got him at the shelter oh

right away he was biting i was like fuck how old is

he is a year and a half well

yeah he was he

bite like no no small

what kind of

twenty five he was um

fuck a boston terrier and

a cocker spaniel so it kind of looked like a baby lab

kind of but he was fucked up in the head man and like

young boys like

teenage boys he did not like

he had some fucked up owners for

sure like he

did not he couldn’t sit

give the paw i taught him that in 15 minutes

but he was clueless when i got him so he was

like kind of fucked up how long have you had him now

you know he’s dead it’s he died like last year but

sorry no no not at all and he

have to say

sorry i’m not really sure yeah

sorry about that dog

hey man i thought my

dogs died too dude all

right yeah like

yeah you’re the only one bro fucking dead dog

the only one bro yeah

but yeah he’d bite them

and fucking his

little bone the bone and the weed man he like and i

wouldn’t i don’t get my dog so i’m not one of

those guys hey

i’m gonna get my dog stone

but i’d see him

and all of a

sudden he’s

stoned and i’m like fuck i had a piece of cookie no

and he ate the cookie

i had a dog that was um

she was a rescue dog too

and we got her high accidentally once

me and joey were in my office and my old

house just hitting the bong

and this is my

early weed days i was just learning how to smoke weed

and i couldn’t believe that i’d gone

thirty years of my life without knowing

about weed and i was just

going to overboard

so we me and joey got ball lasted

in my office and the dog was so paranoid it was so

crazy she was running from

everything and

hiding under

furniture i couldn’t get her to come out it was like

weird i was like why you hiding

i’m like oh

she’s high as fuck yeah i did dog got a contact time

hanging out with us it’s weird

it was a rescue dog too so

her being high was not like a

happy puppy that you raised being high

like if i got high with johnny

johnny doesn’t have any fears johnny’s a

happy dog he’s got a good life

but you get a rescue dog that dog was like

three or four years old before i got her

who knows and she was living on the

street in la eating out

of garbage cans when they caught her and she had that

mange her body was

covered in mange when i

first got her

so i had to treat her

with chemicals

i had it with some sort of

medicine i had a washer

and i had to like

just feed her she

ate like insane amounts of food she

could not eat enough

she was a voracious

appetite so voracious

she was sneaking out

of my house okay even though i fed her she’s a fat pig

she was sneaking out of my house

she had a hole that she found

where she would go

under the fence

she would go to the neighbor’s

house tip over

their garbage

eat their garbage

and then sneak back in the yard and i had no

idea she was doing it she was doing it forever i’m like

this dog’s fat as fuck i’m giving her diet dog food

she’s fatter man what the fuck is happening

she’s kept eating

man clever dog

well they have this

thing where they feel like they’re

never gonna have enough food

you know they

can’t stop eating they just they will keep eating

until they get sick

like she got into a bag once she

ate it like a bag of dog food

and just ate

so much that like

her whole body was hard

like it was the

weirdest thing ever

it’s like her stomach was hard i was

worried about her

and she threw up and then she would eat

throw up i mean it’s like

she couldn’t

she was never satisfied

yeah and i think it’s the same kind of

thing is happening when you

leave and when you come back like you walk in

literally they’re so

happy that you came

back cause they can’t

they’re like

they’re eating like oh i don’t know tomorrow i may not

eat he just left he’s probably not coming back fuck i’m

fucked i’m alone

again and then all of a

sudden you come back

what the fuck you came back

what do you

think about some dogs

where they’ve done tests

where they show that when owners are coming home

that the dogs respond even when they’re coming home at

not normal hours you

know unusual hours

that through hidden cameras they

found that dogs can

anticipate when

their masters are coming home

really from how like

i believe driving

driving in their car on the way over there

yeah and it’s not like a lot of dogs i don’t

think it’s but

it’s enough that you have to go well what is this

what’s going on here

cobby’s smelling it

cobby used to

be sleeping on the

couch and then like

he would just immediately wake up and then just like

sit by the door

and like 10 minutes

later my girlfriend

would walk in the door whoa yeah

it was always so

weird and i always thought it was just that the time

because the

time was always kind of around the same time but

dog doesn’t have a fucking

watch it’s ridiculous

yeah but the

dog like looks around and goes okay when it

starts the light the big

rock that is bright outside goes down

and then he

starts playing

with that machine over there that makes the food

that kind of

proud that means like

you know maybe figures out its own way maybe

i don’t know because

these people what they showed was hidden camera footage

and they had the dog

would like respond and get up and

start walking around

like as the owner was coming home

it’s a trip man

you wonder i mean what kind of a

weird connection

is it with dogs you know they’re just always so

happy always like

excited to see you

this weird fucking

relationship you have

you know they require food from you and like

what a weird

psychic connection you have to this strange animal

they know when you’re coming home the fuck is

going on man

yeah well who’s to say there isn’t you know

who’s to say

who’s to say who knows

all right that’s

about it right

i guess so that’s good so

where did he end it

way out man when’s

next time someone

could see you

i’m gonna be in


at some theater

some you don’t know

where it is fuck i don’t well

go to is it

jean lush wag

yeah challenge

wa com or go to my youtube page

which is youtube com

j o n l a j o i

e and they’re all

there and i’m going

it’s j o n john

yeah i know

come there and

check it out and i have a new

video i’m working on

should be out

monday what it can give us a sneak

its guy it’s called i am

very super famous

and is from mc

vagina the guy

who brought you show me your genitals and i kill people

what is this gonna be out

like monday morning i’m hoping i’m

still editing it now but you do

everything yourself

shoot it directed edit write it yeah that’s awesome man

do you have high as fuck on there

we’re gonna end this with high as fuck

this weekend friday night and sunday night

we’re gonna be at sal’s comedy hole on melrose

it’s a little tiny spot it’s only like 80 people

we’re just gonna go there and fuck around doug

benson’s coming to doug benson’s coming a beautiful

brian’s gonna be there a little

esther’s gonna be there who else

sorry sam tripoli i called ari today i haven’t already

might be coming to ari’s doing so

he’s gonna come down awesome

jason tebow very funny

so that’s it next weekend

we’re doing brea

the improv at brea

it will sell out

so get tickets if you want to get them in advance and

then in australia at rudy hill that

place that i’m doing it’s

it’s called an rsl club whatever the fuck that is

i don’t know what that is i’m not sure it’s like an

italian club or something like that well no it’s like a

veterans thing

but they just added a

second show there was

an eight o’clock show

it’s sold out

so now there’s a ten o’clock show and that is

saturday the 26th

which will be like

the 25th here or something like that it’s real

weird like they’re like a

whole day ahead

have you done shows in australia yeah it’s fun yeah i’m

sure now i haven’t been

fucking great yeah

sydney’s fun

they don’t give a fuck the men are men the women are

women it’s fucking there’s dangerous animals everywhere

crocodiles and shit

i love it there man it’s a great time

the people are friendly as fuck i

enjoy the shit out of it

so so that’s it

tickets go on

sale for seattle i’m playing the more theater

and the more theater in i

think it’s in march

yes march 25th they go on sale on friday all right

thank you everybody for everything

next week we’re gonna have pete johansson a very

funny comedian from canada do you know pete

i know of him i don’t know him but he’s very

funny he’s hilarious

he’ll be here and who knows who else

and eventually i get

dave foley and i got a call boss rooting and

all right bitches

that’s the end of the show

see you flashlight

oh thank you

flashlight for sponsoring us and keeping the lights on

we love you and you love us

that’s how it should be

go to joe rogan net and click on the link

right like my mom it’s

great keep me in line

go to joe rogan dot net

click on the link and enter in the code word

rogue and you get fifteen percent off all right

thank you everybody we love you bitches

thanks for having me guys thank you

john leshua you are the man

and you thinking about the world spin

your dog looking at you like you need help

and you feel your heart pumping really

fast and you’re convinced that you’re

gonna have a heart attack

farm the only problems that the chickens have

fucked up why do the chickens have

you scared because you

think that they will know you’re high so you

in the store but

you’re so high you don’t know why you’re there anymore

pack of gum get the hell out of there

you’re walking home and your mouth is dry

too high

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