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flashlight and now here’s joe rogan experience special
edition podcast on the plane with tom seguro
it’s called winning
and i am on a truck it’s called trolley theme
podcast on a plane productions presents
joe rogan and the great tom segura on the way to dallas
en route to louisville
yeah we’re sitting here
obviously first class winning
winning five a amp b on our way to mars
on our way to be rock stars from freaking mars
and we are on our way to do a show at the louisville
improv on wednesday
by time you get this it’ll probably already over
whatever bitches sold out anyway holla
it’s called winning
we’re just starting to feel the edible
right about kicking in now are you tommy creep
creep it’s creeping on up
from behind yeah it’s
a nervous feeling the
first time you ever do the breast trip on the plane
or a cookie or whatever what
you know the one time that the
first time that i dosed you up
where were we headed to dude we were headed to tampa
we’re going to tampa
and i i you’re like yeah
you like it you take
a little bit
and i was gripping onto the
to the fucking armrest
thinking about
all the fucked up things i’ve done in my life
and i was just like
you know what i’m just a bad bad person
i was ready to cry
it’s a real psychic
cleaning you know it really does open up your
your psychic closet
and just start pulling shit out and dusting it off
you know a real good
pot brownie you know i was listening to
terrence mckenna talk
about eating pot that you know a lot of the
early hindu texts you know
dealt with eating marijuana and that
you know that
like for a lot of them like that was like a really
psychedelic experience like
just as psychedelic as mushrooms you just gotta eat it
you gotta eat a lot of it yeah you
don’t realize man if you don’t if you’re not used to it
eating marijuana we’ve talked
about this on
the podcast a hundred times but for people who
haven’t heard this
it creates a totally different
chemical when you eat it called 11 hydroxy metabolite
when it’s processed by your liver
and it’s four to five times more psychoactive than
thc it’s a way
stronger drug so
but it’s perfect for a plane
it’s what it is it’s like look you’re vulnerable
you’re in the seat
you’re not going anywhere
you’re in the
space you’re 30 000 feet above the
earth you know
if something goes
wrong you’re fucked
so you feel that vulnerability too
and then when you get hit with that pot
edible oh goodness especially
if you’re not
expecting it
when it’s a surprise it’s a new ride man
like when you’re just like
oh this will just be like any other time
when you’re like you don’t know what’s
gonna happen
that shit straight up grabs you by the
chest and is like i’m fucking here
it scares you
i was terrified i think
i wanna like i really was
freaking out but when it was over i was i actually did
think like that was a good thing
just happened yes
i always feel like that
after the hardest
craziest strangest trips
where i get the most scared and i feel
i’m all shitty
about my life
or about things i’ve done
sometimes it’s
things i’ve done when i was like 13
my god damn it the old
stuff yeah why am i
still dwelling on this
i’m not doing that anymore
it’s in the drawer
somewhere in there
yeah you gotta
clean it out but
these experiences
these plane
you know anytime you eat pot really
but you don’t have to do it on a
plane i mean pot
doesn’t give a shit
where you are
if you eat a really
strong brownie
you’ll it’ll really like
expose you to your vulnerabilities
you’ll feel all fleshy
and you feel like real soft and easy to break
yes you know extremely fragile
yeah yeah like shaken fragile
like you just saw a fire or something
and there was animals inside and you’re traumatized
it’s like that
because it’s
so fucked up in amsterdam they stopped selling
brownies and cookies and shit at
the coffee shops
really yeah
i didn’t know too
many people get fucked up and they can’t handle it
they stopped
making mushrooms legally or two unfortunately
but pot and
brownies are just as
bad man you know it’s like it’s kind of like somebody
calling you out on your shit
for something that you did do like
you don’t have a
and you didn’t
expect them to call
you out on yeah and then you know like how that feels
when that when that’s happened to me
you feel that in your core
yeah it’s kind of an
awful feeling
but then it’s also
after the awful feeling comes relief
yes we were like well now it’s out there
yeah the thing that i was
worried about
right at least
it’s out there
right yeah it’s cleansing
it is like cleansing
yeah well you know i mean people have this ability to
block out certain parts of
their behavior and personality
and yeah that’s why
idiots you know that’s
why we love calling people we were just making fun of
steve harvey
on the way up here and
he’s so full of shit
and not just full of shit but
hilariously stupid
like some of the shit that he says is just so dumb
that i save his tweets
and we were just reading them
and then we watched
katt williams
dissect him
katt williams
did a show with
them and just
just destroyed him
and you know
well what’s
funny about that is
cause you know
steve harvey
doesn’t check himself
steve harvey really
thinks he’s a bad
motherfucker he really
thinks he’s amazing he
thinks he’s a
messiah yeah
i see him he goes on religious channels and i
watch i watch those
videos of him
on like the
televangelist
or the trinity broadcast network that’s what is tbn
he actually did a comedy special for
tbn that’s got to be
great that’s got to be the best ever
you need god
in your life you ain’t got god in the love you are
silly person
really gonna be moving
in so many ways how much
would you love to give
steve harvey a big fat pot
brownie and just
watch him cry
that would be the most amazing thing yeah
incredible yeah i
would love to
he was he was on the trinity broadcast network talking
about people who don’t believe in god
but you don’t believe in god you’re silly
i ain’t got nothing
to say to you you silly
great bed yeah yeah
that’s how i feel about
everything that steve harvey says on stage
none of it’s actually even a joke like it’s
special that i saw
i saw it on like tv like i
think it was about a year ago
or he would just
he would just recap news stories
and that was the bit
like he was just reading headlines you know like
like the lady driving
across texas wearing her diaper
he just said
do you believe this woman
drove across texas in a diaper
and then shook his head like hell no
that’s a whole bit and then like that
the audience
would fall out of their seat and he was like
on the next door then i read a
story about a man like what the fuck happened with
when i first saw him i
first saw him
in nineteen ninety four when i was doing the
montreal comedy festival
and he was as well
and he went on
stage and i was like this guy
should be paying richard
prior 50 of
everything he makes
cause he was like doing a
prior impression on
stage he was
doing richard
prior on stage
they didn’t they know what
first of all he’s
black they’re canadian they’re
gonna be nice
yeah you know but
but i was watching
and i was like wow i was like this guy like a fucking
he’s like a like
sort of like
not a cover band but like
a guy doing an ac dc
impression that singing his own songs you know
that a lot so i
think in every
generation right you see
yes somebody doing you see a few
hotels you know
it’s always the early guys
i did that a
bunch of times
where i had to
catch myself when i was
starting out
when i was an open mic or i caught myself on stage
i’ll never i was
sounding exactly like richard jenny
i was doing is rhythm
his cadence and i was a richard jenny fan
so it kind of made
sense but i was like wow like this is
gross like i’m hearing myself
sounding just like it
you know when people say it to you too but
they no nobody
said it to me
i’ve heard people said to me sam kennison when i was
starting out to
which i definitely was
influenced by him too
but you know when i
first saw bill hicks
he was like doing sam kennison
to the point
where i was like
uncomfortable with it
like doing the
noises that sam makes and talking like sam really
yeah well he was really
influenced by kennison as well
and kennison was fucking huge at the time
and hicks was
really just
starting to be
known in the comedy
world and he
never really got huge
in mainstream in america
even to this day you say bill hickson
you know only
the cool insiders know
who really who he is
you know it’s
not like saying bill cosby or something no
but back then he was really really unknown
and i went to see him at the comedy connection
and it was a really
small crowd and you know he was
yeah it was doing
kennison man
i mean for real parts of his act were like you know
that it was doing that
that the like the
demon he’s a demon
like i was yeah
yeah i was like sam it was like doing sam
you know but that’s normal you know
comics are influenced by
other comics i’ve
taken guys on the road with me too
and saw them
starting to talk like me and
sound like me
which is real weird yeah
yeah it’s normal man it’s normal you know
they’ll see somebody crushing
and then they’ll sort of imitate the
crushing you know
like mensia did that with me that was one of the
first things like
mensia never really
stole any of my jokes
cause he knew
i would fucking
slap him and
but he used to
steal them on
the road i used to hear stories on the road
about him stealing but he never
stole anything in
front of me in town
but what he did
start doing is delivering jokes like me and
like he was
sounding like me like
his cadence is
and i was like
this motherfucker is like
it’s you know
it’s like that was the only time it ever bothered me
you know other times i’ve
seen people do it and i was like wow it’s kind of a
compliment you know someone
sounds like me you know
but i think it’s normal you know because comedy is
it’s such a
weird thing to
learn anyway it’s like and it’s like your
speech and your cadence on
stage is kind of affected it’s kind of like
you’re putting on
a different sort of a
pattern of talking
so that you
could get your comedy across better
and then when you see someone who does it and
it’s really effective yeah you you automatically sort
of like internalize that you know i used to totally
like when i
first started who i
you’d say that i
sounded like and you’re not you’re
gonna think i’m joking
ralphie may no chris rock
really yeah but i’m not not to the point
where you say chris rock
you start imagining
the voice and
everything like
when i wouldn’t do that but
i essentially
cause i was so obsessed with him
when i was like before i
started doing
stand up this time
motherfucker talking over my podcast
we don’t care
about your fucking service
where you flying
oh we love one
excuse me sir
you you you fucking
mumble mouth
motherfucker can’t even barely understand this guy
magic’s guys tell you something important oh
like that this isn’t going well yeah excuse me
shut up shut your
shut your stupid hole
this whole system sucks the sound system sucks
he’s a mumbling prick anyway
yeah it’s terrible
i’m just i don’t want to ruin this chris rock
story so i’m just yapping over this till this
motor mouth motherfucker shuts his
pie hole here we go all right we’re gone
so but anyways i you know like i didn’t
sound like him but i didn’t sound the voice but
i started to like
i would pace
how he paced really and i would i would crowd
now you didn’t i don’t think
cause i mean this is i’m talking like
first two years in
you’re not like going what year
was this this would have been
two thousand and two and two thousand and three
and so he’s massive right i mean
still is but you know at that point like
i started watching him
basically i
knew he was when i was a kid because he was on snl
but when that
bring the pain
came out in like ninety five or ninety six
i was in i think that’s when it came out
that i was in high
school and i was like this that for me was amazing
that was amazing that special
grant like the guy was just he
blew my mind so
then bigger and
blacker came out when i was in college he was it
you shut the fuck up oh god
sorry folks
this is when you get podcasts on a plane
this is what you get it’s part
so you know that it’s authentic
because we could be pretending we
could be in my office right now
but you hear the
sound in the background that could just be a fan
we should do a
fake plane yes
we can do the airplane
sound app where it just makes a noise
and we’ll do announcements like this
is there an airplane sound app yeah
there is yeah yeah i have
i have a noise app so you can play it while you’re on a
phone call to pretend that you’re on a
plane call yes wow
why do you why
would you have it what is it for the noise that
so like if you want like if you hate to
sleep in silence you want
white noise
or radio airplane there’s airplane noise yeah
wow so you can sleep on airplanes some people
sleep i guess people just like the noise of it yeah
all right so um two thousand two two thousand three
so you are your
you paste like him he was your favorite comedian
yes he was definitely my favorite comedian
cause i i loved like
i mean i love that he was
saying like breaking shit down i love that that element
of of comedy
yeah and i love the way he
he’s basically like with this is
basically this and this
like he does that so well takes a
semi complicated
thing and he just simplifies it you know
he’s really good at that
and he was also just fucking hilarious
that would you piss my pants on
those specials
so but i’m saying i
wouldn’t consciously then go on stage and go
i’m gonna do chris rock
but i was so influenced by him because he was like
comment that i was watching all the time
that i like i get that
with what you mean like if somebody were to hang out
all the time how they
could start
cause then i
would then i
would start to
like i would crouch on
punch lines you know he’s like that
that like he always he crouches
when he hits
punch lines yeah i
would start to do that and
people would
point out to me they’re like
do you know that like
when you hit
punch lines you’re crouching if your
shoulders are raising or you’re crouching down
that’s when i first went
that’s chris rock
that’s totally
chris rock and then people
would be like
your fucking cadence is kind of urban
you know that
and i’ll be like what
and they’re like you have an
urban cadence when you when you like
urban yeah that’s what kind of
city become
synonymous with
black people yeah
i know right
weird like it’s only
it’s a weird euphemism to not appear racist
so this oh he’s
urban and you know what it makes you sound like
doesn’t make you saying that
doesn’t necessarily make you
sound racist it makes you
sound like you’ve
never fucking even seen a
black person
like like urban
because you say like
this person
doesn’t talk even if like
or they’re just
super politically correct
you know we don’t realize
that most people
who have like regular jobs like you have to like really
next to me yeah all
these fucks next to us
poor pricks
these poor pricks i fly with
these poor pricks all the time
you know the
whole urban thing
it’s a that is a
weird it’s a
weird sentiment
when i was in
georgia we were doing a show in georgia
thank you hot
towel bitches that’s how we roll
his a podcast
we’re doing sorry
she was like hot
towel bitches what the hell is he talking about
apologize the race racing podcast
show rugged experience
we’ve been number one on itunes before
her eyes lit
up like he was saying
yeah i’m not supposed to be up here
i always feel like i’m not supposed to be up here
as much money
as i’ve made and
much successive i have on tape tv i always feel
completely illegitimate
every time i’m at first
class i’m always
expecting someone’s
gonna come out here
yank me out and
stick me in the back
every time i get a limo
looks like everybody’s
gonna be like
what prize did they win
neither one of us have shaved in weeks
you know yeah i know it’s funny
it’s funny but
all these poor fucks
ties and those slippery bottom shoes
that guy can’t run faster than anybody
my two year old daughter
could run faster than him in those stupid shoes
slippery ass fucking stupid shoes
back to urban
we were in atlanta
and then this racist white lady was telling us
where to go and where not to go and i like hey we’re
gonna go get something to eat where should we go
she was like well you don’t want to go to this place
because it’s got a lot of the elements wow
that’s like they’re a combination of different things
earth wind and fire bitches
she said the elements
and we were like whoa
we made a repeat it we like other people come over
yeah cause it was so ridiculous
you know the l o n
shirt yeah that was actually so
fuck it sounds so much
worse than just dropping the fucking
yeah to be like you know elements it’s like ouch dude
elements those elements
like i never heard that one before that’s a
that’s a unique one elements
literally sounds like disease to me
like you know what i mean like
you’re essentially calling them a fucking disease
you know it’s really funny because all
human beings are capable of
speaking english and all
human beings are capable of
you know pretty much doing
an individual base is doing pretty much any job in the
world i mean there’s you know
black surgeons and chinese comedians
and you know
chinese basketball players and irish
boxes i mean anybody can pretty much do anything right
but so because of that
whenever you categorize people or generalize
you become racist
instead of scientific
shut up up there come on
god damn it
now they’re selling shit
nobody wants to buy your
stupid sky mall bullshit
what is the percentage of people that buy
things off sky mall
is it even one it can’t
be no can’t be
but anyway what i was saying is any
observations that you make
about people there all of a sudden it’s racist
if you say like hey
black people seem to like to go to jail yeah yeah
you’re a racist
but then if
you look at it and say well we’ll get the numbers of
black people that are in jail
you know well what is that well it’s economic
oh okay all
right well let’s get poor
white people
yeah well well it
doesn’t look like it’s
economic because it seems like a big disparity you know
or you know it
could be anything
it could be saying the chinese people have little dicks
well let’s whip
out all the chinese dicks and whip them out
right next to the african dicks
let’s see what’s up
it’s not racist
it’s not racist
but in anything that you say that
might hurt someone’s feelings becomes
racist you know
where people don’t
wanna don’t
wanna accept it or deal with her think
about it it becomes
racist yeah and i hate also that um
i always have a
thing about
the word racist
and how people use it to mean racial
right just because you make it
up you can make an observation right
about a race it
doesn’t that isn’t
racist but people
right like racist
has a prejudice
you’re prejudging you have to have to make at some
point at least the
the suggestion
the idea behind that somebody is inferior
that’s why that’s what it is to be
racist is to believe that
run race your race or
whichever race you’re talking
about is superior right
so even if you say like man
i think i think chinese people
smell like cotton
candy or whatever
that’s not racist
right you’re just totally
you’re saying a race well
i said this on twitter once i said
what’s up with
black dudes that like to talk on
speakerphone when no one’s around
because i see it all the time
and i saw it ironically at rosco’s chicken and waffles
in la yeah the very
black establishment but
if you never been to la
quite goddamn delicious
i don’t know
yeah i don’t know what who invented the combination
of chicken and waffles but god damn it’s a winner
so i put that up
um you know why what is it about
some black i even
wrote some black guys
that like to
talk on speakerphone
while no one’s around
and all these
people immediately jumped on me and like that’s a bit
racist don’t you think
racist much
oh look joe rogan’s a dick oh showing your true
colors i was like whoa
whoa i can’t
first of all
what’s wrong with talking on
speakerphone
nothing there’s nothing
wrong with talking to someone on
speakerphone
i’m simply asking
why do a lot of
black guys like
to do it when there’s no one no one’s on the
phone with them
i mean no one’s next to them like
like right now if you and i were talking to a
third party
we would have it on
speaker phone and that would make
sense because you
know that way we
could both hear
this is just a guy by himself talking on
speakerphone loud like i don’t know know what that’s
about like those commercials
where you at remember
those commercials for
boost mobile
dudes were on
speakerphone
and i was like
where you at
where you at they’re holding the
phone away from
their face and they’re talking
like i don’t know
why that appealed to
black people
i think it was all
about i think it’s because it’s like a performance
and i think i feel like a lot of
black culture
like black men
like to put like it’s a performance a lot of times for
who’s around so it was right
about it’s a way to get attention
you know it’s a way to get attention but you
sound like a big fat
racist we think
about that well you know i’ve just been around
black people i
think i know what i’m talking about
i think i’m being totally honest right now
you know i don’t think there’s anything
wrong with saying that like
certain cultures like to do
things most most people in that
and whatever race will admit to the
thing you’re talking
about you know
unless it’s like it’s fucking a
stupid thing that you’re trying to
well there was plenty of people that agreed with me
and even black guys had agreed with
me but there was a lot that got upset
but those are people
that are either like they’re
being dishonest
where they hate something else in
their life so they’re just attacking you
like some people are just over sensitive when they make
shit up it’s also that they feel like they have the
right to get
angry at you it’s like it’s an opportunity
to point out that you’re being a dick
it’s a chance to have some power
in a conversation in their life
yeah they’re usually not in
power we had to call you on your bullshit
and to be self righteous
and to be indignant
to be upset
it’s a weird
thing that people
have that where it’s like
it’s not even a rational
thing you can make fun of italians all day long
and guess what i’ll fucking be there
right with you
i think they’re goofy
my relatives are
goofy fucks there’s
a lot of people that i grew up with that are
goofy fucks
you know italians are some of the
showiest silliest
most ego driven people i’ve ever met in my life
i don’t feel
upset when you talk
about them doesn’t
doesn’t hurt my feelings i don’t
i don’t get it
yeah i know like you know
this isn’t racist but
mexican people
do taste like tacos
like if you take a bite out of a mexican
it tastes like tacos
okay that is the pot
cookie kicking in
that’s the edible fella
no but i i don’t give a fuck
about really any
white person
stereotype dude i don’t care
about any of them in my mom’s peruvian
my dad took like
spanish french i don’t give a fuck what you say
about you speak fluent spanish i do
yeah it’s pretty weird coming out of your mouth
it is sounds
weird because you’re so
good at it like i’ve seen
you have conversations with people i was like tommy
might be a fucking cia
agent or something here man this is
crazy you should see anybody that’s
brown that i’m talking to when i
speak spanish
their eyes always
light up like they were
ready to talk
some shit around you
absolutely people
that are latin
are are more
blown away by a
white person
speaking spanish than you
would ever imagine
really oh fuck yeah man
that’s funny isn’t it
yeah i mean
they’ll just i’ll
start speaking spanish and they’ll just be like
what in the fuck
like where did you come from
you’re from mars yeah
really well eventually everyone’s gonna be
speaking spanish
right yeah dude
it helps a lot actually
i think i thought it
would it’s gonna take over
english eventually is the main language of the world
it just seems like they’re
breeding so much
so like inevitable
yeah it’s almost you know
so how do you stop it
are you been paying attention to all the shit that’s
going down in mexico
the drug violence and
stuff oh yeah it’s insane
it’s so bad now it’s getting
worse and worse and
worse it’s just constantly accelerating
it’s actually one of the few times where like
i usually pretty much read news
um without a lot of of an emotional response like i i
kind of have a pretty high tolerance for just
bad news like i’m kind of a news junkie you know so
i don’t really ever feel
that emotional
i feel like i just kind of just take it all in
and the in the violence in the stories from mexico
actually took it from
like wow fascinating fascinating to
kind of terrifying
in a way you know i mean like
not really like i feel like
someone’s gonna break into my house
but like where the stories became terrifying
like like in a
movie where you’re like whoa
that’s fucking
scary that that just happened yeah i mean
you’re lucky you know that you were born here is really
just a roll of the dice you had no saying that yeah
and it’s it’s
other level where like
you know a kid
patty’s here to see us hi patty
would you like to say hi to everybody on the podcast
hello pat is very nice and unfortunately we swore in
front of her and
shocked her
can i get a diet coke please
it’s a podcast
it’s for the
internet it gets on the internet it’s like a
radio show it’s on the internet
and we do versions
where we do them on a plane
cause we usually do it in a studio
but then we also do them on a plane
this is actually the
it’s like a radio show
hundreds of thousands
of people will listen to this believe it or not
for sure i’ll write it down for you for sure
patty you’re gonna freak out
i have a diet coke please
water please
baffle time to grow up being healthy i’m going for the
brain cancer donald remsfield row have the latte
there you go
so what were we just talking about
mexico mexico
stories are scary like there’s like
like a guy will get like
elected you know and
those he’ll just make one he won’t even make
a challenging comment he was like you know
we hope things get safer around here like
dead that night family dead did you hear
about the couple that were in
texas they were on a lake the lake that borders mexico
you’re on the mexican side of the lake and these
gang members criminals whatever they were
shot their husband shot her husband she escaped
they’re trying
to investigate and you know find out who did it so they
you know there’s
an investigator from mexico immediately they kill him
immediately he’s dead
so because it’s a high profile
case they thought she was a suspect at some point
but just got to be horrible for her
it was their
honeymoon i believe
was it i think so
yeah don’t fuck around in mexico jack
they killed like a
whole school bus full of kids
you know they went to on a
school bus and killed a
bunch of kids and out of school
when was this
it’s in the past year
they’ve decapitated people left notes like
stabbed in the people oh yeah
did you see the one it was one recently
where they chop this guy up
and the really funny part about it was
they showed all of his body parts
except in his hand he had his penis
and they blurred out the penis
he showed everything else really oh yeah
was the most ridiculous blurring ever
was like what are you saving people thank you
thank you
yeah it’s a lot of
you know fighting over control of the illegal drug
turf and what people don’t know is that
are they may not know both pull it yeah
what people may not know is that
this didn’t exist just a little while ago ma’am
i went on a vacation to cancun
in like two thousand and five
and you never
heard about drug violence back then you
never heard a peep about it
and hear nothing
about it didn’t exist
i mean it existed
i’m sure but i mean it wasn’t a part of mainstream
media in the news talking
about it now
it’s be like
people were only scared of columbia
like that with me but it makes
sense because the cartel
was in its heyday
in the eighties and nineties
and now power
shifts move the
money has moved to mexico
so there’s always
gonna be more violence
where there’s more
money yeah there was that
shift kind of
the violence
went with it
i watched an episode of the anthony bourdain
show no reservations
you ever see that show oh yeah i love that show
great if you
haven’t seen it
he’s a chef
and he travels all around the
world eating
their food and talking to
their chefs some
really good show and he’s an interesting guy yeah
he’s a real dude like he
no i hate watching a
travel show with eleven
here’s everything is
great like he’ll
be like this kind of fucking suck yeah you like oh cool
yeah bullshit
yeah no he’s straight up
about it but anyway he was in columbia
i think it was in medellin
and you know it was talking
about how maybe was bogota africa
but it was talking about how
great it was
yeah like that’s the
crime has gone down
the cartels have all been
squashed it’s
like it’s like it’s like you can you can hang out there
it’s like it’s not dangerous anymore
yeah i mean you
would hope that that
could happen in mexico but
part of the problem
mexico is that it’s connected to the united states
yeah that’s why everybody here oh
well there’s an infinite supply
of customers
you know if you’re selling drugs infinite supply
customers and
the problem is
that the united
states wants mexico to keep drugs legal
illegal rather yeah
it wouldn’t let them legalize it it was a big issue
and so they recently
decriminalized pretty much
everything so
you know this is like
really done under the
radar like mushrooms acid marijuana
everything is decriminalized in mexico
doesn’t mean you can sell it
doesn’t mean you can have
large portions of it
where it looks like you’re selling it but
you know if
you’re just a guy who gets caught with some coke
it’s not even a
it’s not even
against the law why
would they do see
that just speaks to like the hypocrisy of
the people in charge there because if
if they’re saying that
that it’s such a problem and they
wanna come like fight it
and you know it’s it’s
basically the reason why there’s violence
then why would you decrimp like why would
it be okay to decriminalize
well they do
that to tie up resources because they’re not
gonna go after the
individual users
they only go
after the cartels
and they did it because the resources were
completely they
just you know
they had no people to allocate towards
the cartels they had to
focus on the important part
the important part is the people that are selling
money and committing violence
are selling rather drugs making a lot of
money and committing violence that’s
free up yes people
free up resources and
because they wanted to do in the
first place they wanted it to be
legal but the united
states wouldn’t let them
united states
would not let mexico make drugs legal
you know they wanted to make it
legal so that
you know i mean look we all
that’s a tough
touchy subject with people
you know it’s like hey what
about the children
well guess what i don’t want
babies drinking
whiskey either
you know what i mean
whiskey’s fucking
legal and it didn’t used to be at one
point in time
whiskey was illegal just like heroin is today
and it was a big
thing and that’s how
organized crime came into
power in this country that’s
where the mom came from that’s
where al capone came from that’s
where the fucking kennedys came from
that’s where they got their
their money
moonshine baby
whiskey mills you know
there were people were doing that and making illegal
drinking illegal booze and making a fuckload of
money and the rise of organized
crime came about because of that
but somehow in this fucking
stupid country we
never learned we don’t
learn that the really obvious lesson
you know hillary clinton
gave an interview recently
what she was talking about
they were talking
about mexico and they were talking about
legalized drugs
legalizing them
if that would solve the
issue she goes you can’t do that they’re just too much
money involved
yeah like what does that even mean
that’s it that’s a
stupid ignorant
short sided way of looking at it
oh there’s too much
money involved so you can’t make it legal
first of all
who the fuck
is one person when we really get down to it to
tell another person what they can and can’t buy or sell
especially when you dealing with like
heroin or when you’re dealing
with pot or dealing with anything that just grows here
you know you
should all be decriminalized
yeah absolutely
absolutely yeah
you know if meth
if if all drugs were
legal meth included
i don’t think more people
would be doing meth
the people that are doing meth are
idiots in the first place well yeah
there would be
more people
dying of it but that
would also educate the intelligent people
well i don’t want to be like that guy that died of it
you know will some people be sacrificed because of it
that’s that’s a question
i mean that’s possible you know i
wouldn’t want it to be my children or my friends or my
friends children but neither
would you but
that just means you have to be more diligent in how you
raise your kids and how
aware you are
you know people say i don’t have the time for that well
what you’re
really saying is you don’t have the time for kids
yeah you know
because that’s part of being a fucking parent man
i mean i don’t want
anybody that i know to be doing heroin
or coke or math or anything like that but
as long as you can go to a
cvs drugstore and buy enough whiskey
to drink yourself to
death easily anybody
could do that yeah you
could what what
is the difference between that and math i’m confused
i don’t know i
guess i never thought of it like making the hard work
more hardcore
stuff legalize
always assume that keeping that
stuff illegal was a good thing
but maybe the same people that are doing it when it’s
illegal would
just you know they’d be the same people doing it legal
i would not
argue don’t get me
wrong like i
would not argue
about meth being
illegal or heroin
being illegal yeah like i have no problem with that
like if you want to keep it illegal
absolutely but
really when it boils down to
is that what i’m saying is that the
stuff that i like like mushrooms and marijuana and all
those things
those are just
as illegal if not more illegal and that’s
completely ridiculous that is ridiculous
because actually in some
maybe in california
they have like a higher
like no they have
no it can’t be
california one of the
states has it
where marijuana is criminally
the same level felony
that like heroin is
well it’s not it’s more illegal than heroin
or is that but
it’s more illegal than cocaine to because it’s matter
uses that’s federally
see that’s insane yeah more illegal that’s insane
that directly has to be tied
to the money behind of course because you can’t be
yeah powered
and because there’s pharmaceutical uses for opiates
where you could sell opiates
you know which is
essentially synthetic heroin like
oxycontins and shit like that
that’s synthetic heroin yeah
you know so because there’s medical uses for it
it’s a schedule to
whereas marijuana is schedule one you know
yeah it’s completely ridiculous and it
it flies in the face of
logic and and it makes you feel like you’re
being insulted your intelligence is being insulted
you know i just don’t
think that anybody
should be able to tell anybody else what to do
but you know if you’re talking
about keeping like heroin out of your community
and then you
should make it
like illegal in a town or illegal in a state
absolutely i’m down for that
i’m totally down for
the community stepping in and protecting people from
things that
can be demonstrated as being dangerous or deadly
but when you get to like pot and mushrooms like
who the fuck are you to tell people what to and to not
you know what they
kind of can’t do no that really is more than anything
like a huge waste
of resources
things that
could be better
spent as far as time and
crazy amounts of money
be freed up
for you know for making
for decriminalizing
marijuana mushrooms
like that’s just such even
worse than that it creates a
whole industry behind keeping it illegal
yeah from private prisons to cops
more money to dea
agents i mean
that’s one of the reasons why it’s been argued
that you can’t make marijuana illegals because you
would lose all these jobs
or you can’t can’t make it
legal rather
because you would
lose all these jobs
and that’s just
completely fucking silly like
just because
you get your job is cutting off puppies heads
and i like well we can’t make puppies head cutting off
illegal because i will lose all these jobs
these guys are out there
chopping off puppies heads like
it’s a dumb way of looking at it man
it is but we have big government in this country man
and people like whenever they talk
about creating
new jobs and there’s programs to create new jobs
i hear that
but i also hear all right
all the fuck you’re doing is
you’re making the government bigger
by creating new jobs
you’re just making the government larger and
and and and
more intertwined in our
life it’s not necessarily like governing or helping or
you know using my tax dollars to the best advantage
who just creating
more jobs by making
things you know
what you have to fill out
paperwork for certain
things or you know it’s just
the more government
you have the more fucking problems you have
and the more you can’t you can’t downsize it
more you know you have a
bunch of people
lobbying to keep
things illegal
that have been demonstrated as being
not dangerous or bad at all
and they just do it because they want to keep the jobs
yeah it’s always
about money man
money drives
everything money
money has an
effect on every single law
there’s nothing that is
you know completely easy and
legal it’s worth a lot of money
doesn’t have some type of
either law attached to it or backend being kicked
but it’s also in a good way too
bad work good i mean
money drives
movies you can’t
spend 500 million dollars on a
movie like avatar
unless you know that it’s
going to sell
and they knew that that
movie was gonna be a goddamn
blockbuster so money
drives it and
guess what you and i get to see it and go holy shit
this is fucking awesome fucking amazing yeah i mean
money drives cars like
you wanna buy a porsche
listen porsches you know
take away all the
stereotypes of midlife crisis cars and all that good
stuff it’s a fucking amazingly engineered
piece of machinery
and there’s
only one way to make that it cost a fuckload of
money and you have to
spend a lot of
money and time
developing and creating these
things and then you have to make sure that there’s
going to be someone who’s got a shitload of money
that’s willing to
step in and buy
these things sure
you know so
money drives
things in a good way and in a bad way
you know but
my problem is not with
money moving
things my problem is with government
i just think we have an
enormous amount of government in this country that’s
completely totally unnecessary
and we just
have it there because it creates jobs and because
you know a lot of
especially democrats love that shit they love to create
and make the
government bigger although the government grew
in you know the the bush administration from
the clinton administration just because of all this
you know keep america safe shit that was going on
oh that that had to create so many thousands my
career man yeah
absolutely nine eleven made everybody a lot of money
that’s insane
it is insane
remember when they were doing the code orange
over that shit code red code orange code yellow
they recently gave that up
and they just did
right yeah too bad
i used to love
the early days of it
going to usa today
was heightened alert yes
so we were always at heightened alert yes
and you know
there’s people out there so
you don’t even know how hard this government works
cause all our military and all our
secret service and all our cia
they are stopping terrorist attacks
every day of the week
you just sit your little comfortable
house and feel real good
why warriors
out there protect you from evil
and may or may not be true
i mean i know that they do a
great job and people are busting
their ass every day yes but you know what else they do
they also set
young dummies up
and give them fake bombs and then arrest them
like they did to that guy in dallas
remember that i
think he was
gonna do it in
these from dallas and he was
gonna do it in colorado
i think it was in denver
i forget i forget what the
state was but
this kid was a fucking
idiot and he was
spouting off
about how he wanted to get back in america and he was
a part of some
radical muslim
group and they
they fucking contacted this guy the fbi got in with him
hooked him up gave him a bomb
and the bomb was fake then they arrested his ass
holy shit yeah man
they do shit like that they get you
to do things and then once you do it then they jack you
that’s well part of me likes it though
cause i’m like
yeah i liked it they’re out there exposing
those retards
yeah go get that dummy
give him a fake bomb then put him in a fucking jail
because if he was willing to pull the
trigger on that fake bomb i don’t care if he’s coerced
okay i don’t care if you
you know you made it
sound a lot better than it really is to him you made it
sound wonderful
but you that guy that fucking
dummy was willing to do that kill him
lock him in jail toss him away
oh yeah that’s the
that easily
influence of a mind
yeah doesn’t it
doesn’t deserve to be free either way
yeah there was another guy recently i believe it was
in seattle seattle or portland somewhere in the pacific
northwest another guy same
thing they totally set his ass up
that’s up and lock them up
yeah amazing
you know what the
world is missing nothing by
those guys being locked up
nothing nothing at all nothing
nobody nobody misses
their best friend
because that guy
doesn’t have one
yeah i’ve got shithead
probably those
child support
remember the guy in new york
the guy that
he just fucked up and just became really
close he just did a shitty job
constructing his truck bomb
but if that thing went off
you know that fucking thing was gonna kill
you know who knows how many hundreds of people
or thousand you know it
could have been
mean i don’t know how much
power is detonated by one of those truck bombs
but this dummy just didn’t didn’t have the right
system set up to detonate it
but he was willing
to do it man there are people out there that are
fucking dumb as
shit and will it do it how
about like those somali pirates dude
amazing guys put it
all on the line
like it’s horrible what they do they’re willing like
the type of mind that is willing
to die try it yeah kidnapping
and die yeah they
shoot at us warships man
they shooted
everything yeah
fucking rocket propelled hand grenades
you shoot them at warships
there’s that shows you how bad
shit has to be in somalia
it’s got to be the fucking
worst place to live
where doing that shit
fucking let’s go kidnap people on a boat
is a better option
well do you know how it all happened
the somali pirates used to be called they
initially started calling themselves
the volunteer
coast guard of somalia
and they started kidnapping european ships
because european
ships were dumping
things in their
water and it was killing all
their fish and they
had that was
their income
they were their fishermen
so they got upset at
these companies
dumping all this
toxic waste into
their waters
so they kidnapped one
and they held
them up for ransom they got like a million bucks
and then they were like
fuck fishing
and then they went
crazy and just
started making it
their number one thing now
now they’re going
hundreds and hundreds of
miles away from somalia and jacking people
people don’t have to be anywhere near somalia or
even the gulf of aden
they just caught
they got 23 people yesterday
they they kidnapped them and then they
they killed
those people
just a couple days ago that the
couple the two couples yeah it was
four of them
yeah man it’s sad shit man
that’s really fucked up sad shit
would make me
never even go to that coastline
yeah we’re on
dude africa
be around africa in a nutshell is
absolutely insane
i’ve watched so many documentaries on africa and
i’ve watched a
bunch on the congo and
it’s so weird how
crazy it is there
i mean it really is like
somalia basically has no government
it’s a completely
lawless place
yeah totally
yeah they have warlords who just driving
around in mercedes with guns hanging out the windows
you know and those guys
become the stars of the neighborhood
those guys are making all the
money yeah you know
could you imagine man i mean forget
about being born in mexico imagine being born there
oh my god you just have such
that that’s and that’s just shows you like how
lucky you are to not be born there
that there’s that many people that like
for through nothing no choice or decision
that’s just where you live your life
in fucking somalia
yeah no kidding man we’re like shit
like this you’re you live in a war zone
from the diet from the day you’re born
yeah pretty ridiculous
totally ridiculous and then like
that somebody else just happens to be born
in bel air and that’s their existence
that’s just what they do
is they’re going
yeah just lucky
come on seven or
you did something super awesome in another life
yeah you know we’re super shitty yeah yeah
yeah you ever wonder about that man yeah
you know like what what made you born
and were you born ohio so we were born yes is that yeah
what did you do in the past life
would you believe in reincarnation
i don’t know
thought about it i don’t know if i actually
really buy into that concept but i do
think that like
i do think sometimes like
i’m feeling really shitty
about myself i’ll be like
what the fuck did i do to be
so lucky you know
right like to have
a good life
right like what
why why am i
looking someone’s life is so fucking terrible yeah
i have no answer
for that i don’t you know i don’t know if there is one
yeah i don’t know if there’s one either i was
thought about
reincarnation that it’s
silly to believe
or disbelieve it
it’s completely
silly to believe it but
i can see that but why not mean look
just the fact that you’re
alive and that you
you know whatever it is that
carries your personality in it
whether it’s
you know whether it’s a soul or consciousness or
you know what it whatever you are
just that it exists
alone in this
state in this body
is fucking weird enough man
why wouldn’t it
travel from this life to the next one why
wouldn’t you
know a soul
leave this dimension and
enter into a new physical body maybe even
a totally new dimension
i mean maybe
maybe our thing
about reincarnation is off
because it’s not reincarnation like
you live one life in this
earth and then you come
back and you’re born as a baby you live another life
no you might die and
enter into some unrecognizable new sort of a fucking
frequency of life
something completely different in the next
stage i mean that
could be what
evolution or what rather
reincarnation really is
is that your soul evolves
as your physical being and your universe
evolves and it
moves and changes from one
thing into the next or
you’re just dead
this could be all bullshit
could be all just
tricks your
brains trying to play on you
yeah i think
believing or disbelieving any of those
things it’s
interesting to consider all the possibilities but
believing or disbelieving
very very little difference between that and religion
oh yeah absolutely very little i mean
so i always think
hearing the different
theories from each religion is interesting
i really don’t have a problem with people is different
believes what
might happen
i don’t i don’t
i i don’t feel one way that like no dude this is
definitely what happens right i
understand how anybody actually goes
yeah then here’s what happens after that
you talk to a guy and then you get a
glass of milk
and then you go like really do you know
all the fucking details of what happens
seriously well all you have to
do is pretend that you know that and talk confidently
and you’ll have a cult
yes that simple
i mean that’s amazing thing
about people
is that we’re so fucking insecure and confused
that all someone has to do is come
along and speak
confidently
and we listen
absolutely they can see the most
ridiculous shit ever
and they’ll be at
least a few
people that will be into what they’re saying
yeah believing
in anything believing in anything that you can’t prove
anything that’s not
i mean it’s just
you’re choosing
a box that you’re
gonna put your thoughts in
and once you do that man
anything that’s outside that box
you’ve discredited you’ve
left it out of the realm of possibility
and that becomes a real problem with thinking
especially when you’re basing something on
a thought process in
a pattern of behavior that is
from a long time ago when people knew almost nothing
about science
almost nothing
about the nature of reality
i mean even though we don’t know that much
about it now i mean
we know way more
about it they knew
three thousand years ago when they were writing the
bible you know when you
when you read the shit that does exist in the bible
all the shit about women being
second class citizens and condoning slavery and
i mean it’s like
why would you believe anything from it why
how come you can cherry
pick from the nonsense you have to pick and choose
but either pick and choose or
you blanket embrace it
you know i mean
right or you
blanket rejected but
the people that
blanket accept it
yeah always
sound insane there’s no such
thing as somebody who across the board
loves it and goes
you know what
i’m a rational person
you have to pick them shoes
yeah otherwise it’s too crazy
will you ever religious at any
point in your life totally
yeah when well
growing i just raised in
like catholic
household so it wasn’t like super
strict but like it was just kind of intensified
and so it just means you’re just raised
like this is the way it is
you know pray a lot
when did you
start to think it was horseshit
actually i was really affected by a lot by the scandal
when when the that that kind of put me off which one
like when the initial
huge rush of
all the pedophilia charges
against the catholic church came
there’s always been select but like when that big rush
of them where it was like no this is a massive problem
that really
fucked me up and
like it’s really hard
to not start having doubts about like
people that i was raised
how old we when this happen you think
when you’re aware of
stories but i i wasn’t it wasn’t till i was a
teenager i was like
i know there’s there’s great people
in the catholic church but i know
great great amazing people sure there’s great moonies
was great scientologist
yeah but i like but we’re like like the people are
truly what it is to be good
like i know priests
that are just like
amazing human beings but
uh when you
think about the magnitude of one organization
that was essentially like running an operation that was
that was designed
to give people opportunities to to have
fuck a chance to fuck kids
is what it is really
that is really traumatizing to
what i thought
of the church before that happened
you know it’s like a hard
thing to even say
because it feels like such a betrayal
like of what
you were raised to believe was just something that is
so good yeah that the
thing that is
so good and beautiful it’s supposed to be so wonderful
is harboring
essentially the
worst type of criminal
you know i mean it seems like there’s so much harboring
too that it really must be on purpose and it must be
that there’s so many pedophiles
that it’s literally how they run
things and how
and they don’t want people
to get caught because they don’t want to get caught
i mean and then you know
they probably
pulled the guy who got caught aside and go
silly bitch you know why
you trying to convince kids to suck your dick there’s
plenty kids will suck your dick you don’t have to
you have to
force them down you don’t have to rape them
i still struggle
today with the fact of like
wanting to believe
that the the
church is what is perfect and good in the world
like cause that was such a big part of how i was raised
to facing the reality
of what it has become
wow it still bugs you it
still bothers me yeah wow
well because it
essentially is like being like
especially being betrayed by like a best friend
right right family member
yeah family it’s like but it’s like a horrible betrayal
yeah where like something you can’t even fathom
you know that’s
what it feels like to me like even though i wasn’t ever
super religious
it was that they ruined
the place that i thought was the safe
haven in the
world you know
the amazing
thing is that
no one prosecutes them
and internationally
these guys could
travel back and forth and no one
treats them as sex criminals
like ratzinger
the current pope
that guy has actively
sought to shield
child molesters from prosecution
it is hundred percent provable
when he was the whatever the fuck he was the
grand pooba
in arizona i
think he was
for new mexico i don’t know
where the fuck he was but he was
is there’s all these
papers and documents
showing that he’s moving
guys around and trying not to get them prosecuted
and they would just
pluck a pedophile
preacher out
and put him in a new
place where they can fuck his
it’s the absolute for me
and the way i feel it’s the
worst crime that a
human being
could do it’s one of them
is something to children like
to hurt children is yes
it’s so fucking
it’s such the most horrifying
thing you ruin someone’s life forever
and like that they were a
an organization that
basically was like
it was like it was like a hiring service for that
yeah it was like do you want to do that
that’s where they became
yeah it’s like
no sort of like a
scientology they
they say with
celebrities that they protect the celebrity
and they do
their pr and they
create like a public
persona for them and actively cultivated and work
it’s like one of the reasons why they’ve
been accused of having
a bunch of gay celebrities and you
know setting them
up and making it look like they’re straight and then
aggressively going
after anybody who questions it yeah yeah yeah exactly
basically this
is what the catholic church did they’re pedophiles
and this the
thing is that it’s not just the
idea the crime
the act of the physical
crime that was being committed but
the level of corruption
makes it that much worse
yeah it’s what’s really
scary is that no one’s done anything
about it i mean
besides individual preachers
and priests getting caught and arrested
no one’s done anything
about it on a big
level like no one’s ever like
audited the catholic church’s records
and said listen we need to find out what you have and
haven’t done and
and we’re gonna
start arresting some of you fucking freaks
like when ratzinger
i mean it’s been proven that the current pope
shielded child molesters why
is he allowed to
travel to america why isn’t he arrested
why don’t they pull him aside
i mean it doesn’t make any
sense he’s a fucking criminal that’s criminal behavior
if that guy was working for
donut world
you know and all of his
managers were bone in kids in the
bathrooms at
donut world
and then it was shown
that he was
shielding his
managers from
you know from
from being prosecuted that he
would go to jail he
wouldn’t be making donuts anymore
he definitely
wouldn’t be able to
travel from country to country
better have
donuts no richard dawkins
it was rick dawkins are hitchins
i don’t forget it
might have been christopher hitchens
they were you know
campaigning to have him arrested for
for fucking
crimes against humanity
campaigning to have him arrested for for
pedophilia you know for what the fuck he’s doing but
it’s horrible it’s the worst
thing you can do meanwhile they just fucking fly around
and you know i mean he travels
all over the
world there’s a
video of him
being entertained by these
shirtless male acrobats
it is one of the
creepiest gayest things
you see it was incredible the
pope and the gayest looking manscaped
waxed eyebrows dyed hair
weird gay looking guys
and they’re doing
their acrobatic bullshit in
front of him and he’s clapping with his
withered old finger fucking kid hands
they all look they’re all like gymnasts
they have on like the
weird gymnast
pants and their
shirtless tights
yeah and they have and they’re
shirtless with like just like wrist tape
and after like
every moment they
would kind of pose
look like they were kind of flex like they were
saying i feel
and they would kind of like look at a mirror and
smile at them
and it’s the fucking
you feel violated
because like it’s like they’re looking at you
and it’s but
it’s it’s it’s like a team of
of weird uh
gay aggravation is coming at you like they’re
about to do something
to you it’s creepy as shit
it’s so creepy it’s creepy
it’s amazing
how much he looks like that bad guy from star wars
the old guy
have you ever seen the
comparisons online the
photos no it’s hilarious dude
there’s like
him with his
goofy ass robe on
that is one of the
weirdest things that nobody mocks the outfit
i know with this
stupid fucking fish head hat
like whatever that
thing is looks like a fish with its mouth open
yeah why don’t you why don’t
just a point
where tradition just
becomes you know what that’s too old of a tradition
let’s switch it up
yeah all their bishop outfits
their car they
should just
change it to like
starter jackets
they just go to like a later era
but all have the same
thing like we all
run starter jackets
starter jackets from like the 1920s red sox
yeah fucking
vatican style
that’s hilarious with a big v on the back
v for vatican just do that for the next
eight hundred years and then they will adopt
a new thing
right if you’re really
connected to god does it matter what you’re wearing
you know i mean that does that mean that seems to be
completely silly yeah
like why would you have to wear a
stupid outfit
that’s why i’ve always goofed on monks
like no they don’t have it together
if you have it together why
would you be wearing that goddamn bathrobe
everywhere that’s the most
ridiculous shit ever yeah
and here’s the
thing if you’re not wearing that
are your beliefs gone or something no
you can wear whatever you want
like it’s silly to
think that like just because you have the add on
well i also
think i think
people have a big difficulty in being
trapped by certain
things in life
whether it’s
material possessions or relationships or whatever but
it doesn’t mean that you
should be a monk and avoid
everything because
you can’t handle it because that’s what they’re doing
it’s like they’re
missing out on some of the most amazing parts of life
relationships
you don’t have a
sexual relationship
with someone you don’t have children
you you’re committed to a life of abstinence
and you think you got your shit together that’s
ridiculously
stupid that’s
you’re just doing a workaround for the shit
about being a
human that you can’t manage and handle
you can’t handle material possessions you can’t handle
competition you can’t handle sexual
behavior you can’t handle relationships
so what are you
gonna do you gonna
dress like a fucking pop tart and live in a in a
house with a
bunch of other weirdos
you know yeah i mean
but some of
them are like i feel like there are a few people
that are made to just have
almost like
lives of just
ultimate like
eternal goodness like yeah
they’re just
super good people and
i think some of them go to that yes but i do feel like
a lot of people use um
any lifestyle choice that is extreme
you’re going to that
because you’re trying to escape something
yes i think there’s a lot of people
to escape to
i think some are just on a
search summer are
searching for
you know the answers and they’re trying to
you know separate themselves from some of the
worldly vices that have controlled them and
made their their life a mess
you know i i kind of see that
but i just see for so many of them it just seems like
it’s such a
silly way to fucking live you know
it’s like you’re missing out on all the fun man
yeah you’re missing out on joy
do you have to
you know do you have to miss out on the fun
does it have to be that way you know
i have a friend that became a monk
really yeah a real live monk man
moved to a monastery and
everything my friend joe diggs
joe diggs was a taekwondo guy that i used to train with
and this is back when i was a young kid
and he used to get
real nervous
about fighting
about fighting in tournaments and real nervous
about sparring days
you know sparring is fucking dangerous man you know
you’re throwing kicks at each
other and guys get knocked out all the time
we would we would always have guys would always get
knocked out in class it would happen all the time
it’s scary you know your friends
would get kicked in the head right in
front of you and dropped
so he had a lot of anxiety
about sparring
and what he decided to do was um
start meditating
so he really got into transcendental
meditation and different types of
meditation and started studying buddhism and
and then he
started going to
a monastery
to learn meditation and
he decided to give up his life and join the monastery
did he give up
everything give up his material possessions
he had certain
tasks that he was supposed to do at the monastery
like cleaning and and
and different
things that he had to do
and he was given a zen
cone to try to
meditate on
you know it’s like the
sound of one hand clapping
you know one of
those type of things
you know what those are
like it’s like a riddle that you really can’t answer
yeah you know and it was something like a
a cow says moo
or something like that was like really
something like
completely bizarre like i remember him
telling me what
this question was that he was supposed to contemplate
until he achieved enlightenment
i was like wow this is the
weirdest thing ever
but this was a guy that genuinely
like embraced the idea of
giving up his material life and really
really studying
the mind and disciplining himself and exploring
his his internal consciousness
you know he really he was a guy that was
probably like in his late thirties when this
this happened
to him and he was a little disillusioned by
life out there
in the workplace and and what he was doing
and so this is like
a real opportunity
for him to not live like everybody else
so he went into it man
he went right into it is he happy
i don’t know because i
never stayed
close with him
you know he’s just a guy that
i knew from back then and i you know we went out to
lunch a couple times
after he became a monk and
and he was only eating vegetables
you know he had
you know become
completely vegetarian
and he was saying
that he liked it didn’t like the no sex part
didn’t like that yeah
that was kind of
freaky to him
you know but he kind of
understood that
your relationships can get in the way of your
meditation and your work
you meditate
eight hours a day man
that’s incredible yeah
that’s really incredible
yeah how weird huh yeah
what it’s just it’s such an extreme
thing to do oh
it’s really like going
it’s as extreme as going
the opposite direction i mean like
we let everything just
go to shit and you live like a fucking lunatic and yeah
parting all the time
right that’s an extreme yeah
so is meditating
eight hours that’s extreme
thing to do yeah i don’t know
it seems like it’s
i mean i know people do it
they claim to be
happy but it just seems like it’s so out of
balance i always feel like they don’t have good friends
it’s like you’re missing out on all the fun
stuff right
it’s like why
would you want to
i mean i guess do whatever the fuck that makes you
happy and everyone’s got
their own makeup and everyone’s different
everyone’s got
their own structure
you know that you know they
appreciate different
things i get all that
but i just feel like
should be having fun
man this life is fun
if you have a
bunch of cool
friends and you go do fun shit you can have a
great goddamn time and
the laughter and the heightened
experience is like
something to be
enjoyed you know there’s a lot of
things that are enjoyable
about this life
and i think
so many people get
alienated from
those things by work
and by obligation by
debt by you
know all these
things that
they’re forced to do that they don’t like to do
and they forget that
if you didn’t have this if you just like
you know i’m not trying to rub this in but
they’ll be living the life of a comedian
all you’re doing is you’re
traveling from one
place to the next
where you meet a
bunch of people are
excited to see you and you’re
gonna make them laugh
and everyone’s
gonna have fun you’re
gonna laugh
about shit and you
there really is no inappropriate in your
vernacular or vocabulary because
nothing’s inappropriate to you it’s all
just thinking about life
so it’s like
you live this fucking
great existence man
every now and then i’ll fucking
sit down i’ll talk to some dude is an accountant
or has some
other fucking job and
you realize how
rough it is
if you have to be a part of the normal system
if you have to be
stuck in the normal grind man
it fucking sucks
it’s soul stealing shit man
it’s what depressed me man
yeah what you do
i mean i had a
bunch of jobs and
everything that was
you know having an office job was
depressing to me
i mean i worked from college i was
worked as a
like as a marketing
like you know
employee at a company that made grocery cards
that was a job
selling knives so cut code knives one time damn
that was in college i did uh
i worked in
post production for a long time on shows just
you know scheduling stuff and
it’s just fucking it’s
being in that that nine to five mode
was depressing
it is it was a horrible thing
i just hated the hierarchy that all of it
fucking really most people’s reality
horrible i avoided so much of it i had
some nine to five gigs but most of it was construction
so it wasn’t really nine to
five it was you know
seven or three or something like that and
most of it was
you know part time stuff
or not part time but you know temporary
where i do it for a couple
months and i quit and go do something else
because i could i just couldn’t take it
i did my best
to try to you know
figure out a
way to make a living outside of that so i was
doing like i was delivering newspapers in the morning
because that was only a few
hours every morning it was
seven days a week
but it was only a few
hours except on
sunday was a big day
but i was like okay well i can make some
money this way and then let me add some little
thing in the
the daytime i
started driving cars in the daytime
doing limo driving that was only like a few days a week
so i was like well this is good so now i’m sort
of working full time i’m really working for at 40 hours
but it’s not all in the same
place so it’s not driving me nuts yeah
and it’s not
doing anything
where i had constantly have to be around a boss
or constantly have to be in an office
you know when
i was delivering newspapers i was in my car
and when i was
driving limos you know you’re
picking people up the airports all kinds of different
folks you’re interacting with it’s
it was way better than you know being
stuck in an office i
think if i couldn’t do this and i had to get a real job
again i would actually do construction i did
a construction
when i was in high
school would you really
i hate the office that much where
i actually feel like
instruction is some shit is
really more rewarding work really
i it was the hardest
stuff it was in the summers
florida and i was in high school
but at the end of the day
i felt better
about myself and was happier than
any office job that i had
wow i would rather be
sweating and sore
being in the office wow
yeah i did a lot of gigs
when i was a kid when i was in high school
my dad was an architect growing up and so
he got me jobs
on construction sites doing a lot of
laboring did some
you know like some summers
i would do laboring and then i did like some carpentry
apprenticeship
stuff we did was an architect yeah yeah
so i was always
around construction sites i did a lot of them but
the hardest one i ever had i was working with my friend
jimmy he got me this job on the crew that he worked on
and they were
it was a small
crew a family owned crew and they made you work hard
it was a look
if you working in a big
group of you know
twenty thirty guys
and people slack off a little
but when it’s like
you and two other guys
and the boss
like man you got a fucking work man and all summer long
we built a wheelchair ramp at a
nights of columbus hall and
and somewhere in massachusetts
and i had to
carry bags of cement
and pressure
treated lumber all day
that was the day
it was fucking brutal
you know cements like
fifty pounds
every time you’re
carrying fifty
pound bag cement
and these big
giant pressure
treated lumbers
and you would get
those pressure
treated lumber splinters
where it says
toxic fucking
shit that they use to make this wood
like so it doesn’t ever rot
like pressure
treated lumber you can make decks out of it you
could make you can have anything that’s exposed you
could rain on it all day it’s not
gonna go away
cause it’s literally
saturated with
toxic fucking
oil or whatever the hell they use to make it pressure
treated and it’s
heavy as shit
and we just
carrying that
stuff around all day for a
whole summer that’s fucking that’s
great though it was
great for me it was a very important week uh summer
i think i think i did it for a few weeks
it was only like
maybe two or
three weeks i don’t really remember
but i remember that it was so brutally hard
and it was so
ridiculously like taxing
at the end of the day i
would go work out
i would go to the gym and try to hit the bag
i had nothing and i was
still fighting at the time too
so i knew i couldn’t compete while
i had this job there was no way i couldn’t train
i would i was so
tired i would go and i was
stupid back then so i didn’t hydrate myself correctly
i didn’t drink enough
water and i didn’t
take care of my
nutrition i
would eat like you
know ham sandwiches and shit and you know no vitamins
and you know you do that for a long enough and
your body just gets taxed it’s not good for you yeah
but it taught me a huge lesson
i don’t think anybody who’s
never been through a job like that
where you are
spent at the end of
every day can’t wait for friday saturday
flies by sunday
you’re clinging
onto it like a kitten hanging on a curtain
next thing you know
monday morning
six thirty that
alarm clock goes off man and it really
should go off at six
cause you gotta be there at
seven so you’re always
gonna be like five minutes late
and it’s death
but if you haven’t been through that and then
gotten that measly fucking
check at the end of the week for that
you’re like whoa
this is what all my time and effort is
worth like the
system the way it’s set up
today for people who work
like what you have to do to work
to get a living out of
it doesn’t make any
sense your life is
worth way more than that
and that’s why i was
thinking even though i was
broke i was
thinking my life is
worth more than 500
for the whole week
because i can’t even spend this
cause i’m goddamn exhausted i mean i’m
gonna spend it on bills and you know
lights and electricity
and fucking gas and all that shit but
it’s like you can’t even
enjoy it is what i
should say it’s like
it’s all just
it’s such a
giant weight on you and
some people man that weight stays on them till they die
that’s why people
who haven’t done that
are not as good at
human beings too
it makes you a better
human being yes
you have had that
experience like to
one time had to do
hard physical
shit yes make a living makes you a better person
i think it makes you humble i think
it’s easy to get cocky if you had a bunch of
success but
no matter what
success i’ve
ever had in my life i remember delivering newspapers
i remember getting up at
three o’clock in the morning on
sunday morning sometimes i
just stayed up saturday night
because it was so
ridiculous i just
drank a bunch of
coffee and then just went down there and waited for the
papers to come in
because i had to you know
carry these big bundles and newspapers all day and
stack them and toss them out i would
regularly go till 9 10 in the morning sometimes noon
if the paper was extra big
like sometimes they have a
bunch of inserts yet and you couldn’t
carry them all in one load
so i would go out
i would do fifty
houses and they
would come back and do
another fit and i keep doing it over and over and over
again was fucking ridiculous
i bought a van for it and filled up this shitty van the
whole back of it filled it up with newspapers
i’ll never forget that man
worship the hardest
should be to do that summer
were dig ditches
and put tile down
on like twenty one
bedroom units
in the in the summer
in florida who
no ac so you’d be
on the ground laying tile
and the grout
and then you know it
would take out and you
would just cook in
these one bedroom
no air conditioned units
baking them
and then the dig in the ditch
you would dig ditches for this guy
and everybody
would come by
and be like you can’t have ditches in florida
they’re gonna flood man
like there’s no such
thing as a ditch
he would just be like you just keep digging them dishes
man like he
would just make
big ditches that like
they were never
gonna be used like they
would have to be
flooded what yeah
it was just like the craziest thing and
man it would take
everything out of you
it was almost
like we were just digging him for his amusement
that’s crazy it
would kill you man it would kill you with
these things and it would
and lay the tile
man i have so much
that job made me appreciate
every time for the rest of my life
when i walk in a room and i see tile
i think of that every single time i see
i just think of being on these
laying tile
scrape and grout
scrape and grout
in a room that’s a hundred and thirty degrees
is dripping
sweat wow that’s crazy because i never think of that
yeah every time
every time i’ve
gone to a bathroom i just said well there’s some tile
that’s funny i didn’t have that connection
one of the few
things i didn’t do but i did do
i installed
in installation
insulation in attics
in the summertime in boston
it was goddamn brutal work because
yeah you’re up in the attic and you’re installing this
insulation and the
insulation is that foam
or that rather
fiberglass pink stuff
and it gets in your pores man it gets in your
mouth it gets in your skin it gets in your eyes
yeah you’re laying
it down and you have like a mask on a mask on your face
but it still gets in your eyes
and it gets in your skin
and you can’t wash it out
like you’re washing it but you’re
still itchy
then you’d be sitting around
on the couch
after you’d done
work and you’re out of the shower and you’re still like
tingling and itchy and scratchy and
and by the way
you know that shit
sure some particles
get past your mask and get in your fucking
mouth a hundred percent they get in your in your
stomach you have like a physical reaction when you see
insulation no but i remember
you know i look at it and i go out there’s
i know what that
stuff’s like
i know somebody got to go through some shit
i did that a
bunch of times
at a bunch of the gigs you know
cause there was
you know those gigs were
labor jobs and that’s what you do you roll that
insulation you be a mindless
moron and roll that
insulation out
so you have to
carry these bundles
up the stairs into the attic
so you’re like you know it’s leaning
against your neck and your face
and then you’re
bringing it up there and then
popping open the top of it and unrolling it
and it’s hot as fuck and you’re
sweating and
there was a guy that i worked with
it was one gig that i got my friend
leroy got me this gig him and his friend
henry had this
they had their own construction company and they were
renovating these terrible buildings in dorchester
dorchester’s a real shit neighborhood in boston
and there was this one guy that i worked with
that had a mountain dew bottle
a big two liter mountain dew bottle
filled with beer
and he would just drink it all day he was just hammer
all the time and shaking his hands were always shaking
and the guy just
judge was just drunk all day and they would laugh
about it like that this guy’s always drunk
like they knew what he did
and he lived in this house while we were renovating it
he had like i mean it was
the place was like
all exposed walls and
wires hanging everywhere and
staircases and no electricity except
one jury rigged room that he had on the third
floor where he was living
and he had a bed set up there and
you know and the guy
would just be up there just getting fucked up trying to
hide from life
drinking this big fucking
piss warm bottle of of
you know old english
that’s just giving up all the way it’s crazy
oh just you want it just to be over at that point
to me it was fascinating
though i always wanted to be around him as much as i
could i tried to
to be around him all the time
just so just
as a character just try to pay attention to him
because he’s so odd
you know when i was
this is at the time i was eighteen or nineteen
and i remember i was just
thinking how
how does one become this guy this was
someone’s child
this was some a boy at one
point in time this is how he developed this is here
here he is a
thirty plus year old man and how
old he was but
just hammered
every single day
don’t you when
you see someone you meet somebody that you go
and they’re all they’re fucked up like that you go
well everything
definitely wasn’t
a okay in that
house bro you don’t
end up like that if if
things were totally normal at home
i kind of believe that when i meet people that are
fucked up that yet that there was some
serious trauma or at
least perceived from
there has to be
and you know then there’s also the genetic
stuff as far as like addiction
you know because some people are much more prone
physically to being addicted to
things yeah i don’t know what that’s all
about i don’t have that
so i don’t understand it
but i do have a mental addiction issue
i have a severe mental addiction
issue with everything
i can get addicted to anything
i can get addicted to anything that’s fun
whether it’s a game or a sport or
a martial art
when i start getting into
things i become obsessed
really yeah
completely obsessed
when i first
started playing pool
eight ten hours a day
when i first
started doing martial arts
i would train
in taekwondo
three four hours a day but
that’s all i
could get in
i literally couldn’t
train anymore because my body wouldn’t
allow me to i
would be exhausted
when i started playing
video games same
thing eight ten
hours a day
i just get obsessed
of all the ones you
mentioned i do remember the one that involves sitting
video games yeah
well there’s some of the most
addictive things
no thank you
powerful they
offer cookies she comes over with an apron
like your mom amazing
but it could be
pussy too pussy’s just as easy to get addicted to
you know there’s been many times in my life
where you know
trying to you know
juggle as many
chicks as possible
thinking what the fuck am i doing like this isn’t even
i don’t even want to do this
this is like
an obsession it’s just i’m being compelled to do this
because i’m on a
you know i’m on this
weird path you know this
weird path is
you know trying to get laid
you know and i have friends that
still do that you know i have friends that just
become obsessed
with pussy to the
point where
they can’t even have a good time because all they’re
thinking about is trying to get laid
it’s always
mean i’m like you can’t be this horny
like powerful
thing man we’ve all done
stupid shit to get laid yeah
yeah and once they become
successful at it
then it’s like all of a
sudden like oh okay i’ve got this
thing wired
i’m fucking everybody it’s
almost like they’re making up for all the lost time
where they were trying
where it was
the guys that i know that became
successful later in life
and girls found them
attractive later in life
those are the guys that are the most sick with it
yeah yeah for sure
guys who got laid when they were younger
they seem to be over it
they could relax
or some of them can
right now but it’s a
super common addiction to men you know
especially if
it took a really long like a really long time
yeah you know some guys
really are like
a lot of people out there probably didn’t even
start getting laid
the thirties and
stuff yeah we
think it’s more rare
right than it is and
that guy realizes
this is what i was missing out on yeah
he wants to make
that he wants to make up for that forever yeah you know
so it’s easy to become the addiction forever
see the only
difference though the addictions that we just talked
about all of them
are fun as fuck
that’s the difference
i get addicted to
things that are fun
i got martial
arts it’s fun man
being able to
perform you know martial arts being able to
kick somebody in the head or
choke somebody
unconscious
that’s some wild
fucking bruce lee
movie shit man to actually be able to do that
that’s fun man
jiu jitsu is not fun when you
first start
cause you get mauled a lot
yeah that’s what
keeps me from even fucking trying yeah but that’s why
it keeps people out it’s hard to do i don’t
want to get involved that’s why it’s so fun when you
first learn how to do it well now
what they have a lot
of now that they didn’t have then was beginner classes
like when i
was a beginner there was this one kid that i used to
spar with and
it’s very good that this happened to me because
it made me really
appreciate jiu jitsu
this is one
brazilian kid who used to
choke the fucking
shit out of me this guy stopped
manhand on me
every time we
trained he was ruthless too
he didn’t he wasn’t nice to me at all because we’re
basically like the same age
you know so it was you were both young
men and he was just getting
off on the fact that even though we were the same size
he could just beat my ass
and he would
man handle me dude
and it made me really appreciate
like how little i knew
about jujitsu
because i was coming from a place
in kickboxing and in
you know doing muay
thai and doing taekwondo
then i was like really confident with my stand up
like i would
stand i would
spar with anybody
i was real confident with what i was able to do
so i felt like i
could handle myself
against someone my size
but then here
this is guy who’s my size who’s just raping me
just ragdolling me and just
choking the shit out of me and i was like wow
this is this is some
stuff that i need to
learn like it really made me obsessed with jiu jitsu
well that and
yeah that it
definitely helped
that one guy giving me beatings helped
cause i’m one of
those dudes that
i get obsessed with something because
you know something has to
go off inside my head
to make me obsessed
about it and my obsession was
i wanna be able to do to somebody what this guy can
do to me because that’s incredible i can’t do that now
and then it
made me feel helpless too because i was like wow
if this guy was
this was like a
street fight
and this guy wanted to beat my ass like man i
would be really helpless
against him
that’s which is a terrible feeling
and especially
when it’s an
alien feeling when your
whole life you’ve been a martial arts
expert and now you
realize like oh no you’re not this there’s a whole new
thing that you don’t even know
so i became obsessed with
jiu jitsu that way but
i kept that
under control
mostly because of injuries when i
first started doing it i had a bad meniscus tear
it’s called a bucket handle tear
where it would lock out on me
and when it would
it would it
would lock in
place and was like
super painful man
was really bad and it happened like
every couple of weeks
and so that kept me from getting like too obsessed with
jiu jitsu when i
first got into it
but man like pool
the opposite happened i was injured so
i couldn’t do taekwondo when i got obsessed with pool
and i started playing and i’ve
watched these guys play that were really good
and i just remember
thinking how fuck is it possible
to not miss for a whole game
you know what i mean like you got ran out the
whole table and i became obsessed with it
but had to be able
to do that had to be able to had to be able to run out
well it wouldn’t be happy
until i figured out how to
how to break and run out
but that’s just you know
that’s a fun thing
get good at pool
to be able to
break and run out
um it took a couple of years
i think couple
years i know
i think it took probably two years
of me like really playing all the time
before i could consistently
break it around out that takes real discipline
or obsession
obsession yeah
at least that discipline though
yeah the discipline
is really i’ve always had a
weird discipline
i have much more discipline
for things now as
a grown man
than i did when i was
young when i was
young i had
very little discipline but i had a lot of obsession
being a father contributed
to that yeah
yeah you feel like you have more responsibilities
also i understand that with discipline
comes reward
you know that you know you
appreciate things
that you do and manifest and create because
you had to work hard to do them
because you
force yourself to work when you
didn’t want to you like well look i didn’t want to work
but bam look what happened
because of that i got this now i accomplished that i
wrote that you know there it is it’s the
truth the proof that
you have to discipline yourself
because when i was young
um like like with
taekwondo and
those things i i was only was only
about obsession
like my discipline
was not good i was not a disciplined
person i didn’t
wanna do a bunch of
stuff that wasn’t fun
but i was so obsessed with getting better at martial
arts that it was easy to look disciplined
i got you you know i’m saying
yeah absolutely
but it was all fun to me so it wasn’t really discipline
i was obsessed
you know there’s a difference
as you get older you
understand the the rewards of discipline
that it’s a good
thing to and it’s good to also
have a certain
amount of control at all times over your impulses
and i didn’t have any of that when i was young
i was very impulsive
it was so wild
motherfucker you know i was barely raised my parents
were barely around when i was a kid
so yeah i grew up doing wild shit and they
never had a fucking clue they didn’t know anything
so i was completely impulsive
you know by the time i had
graduated high
school and then was out on my own
living with my friends
you know by
the time yeah
but i was like 20 or something like that when i
first moved out
when i was living with my friends
we were a bunch of
savages i was living with
these other guys that i did taekwondo with
and we’re just
fucking wild animals that somehow or another had
escaped from the nest and we’re trying to really
yeah live like
grown ups we were like pretending to be grown ups
what made you more discipline
like you needed to get
even better results so you’re like i need to become
more discipline
that kind of thing
that’s part of it yeah
about writing
and really nila realized
the discipline really
came into play with my writing
like sometimes i didn’t feel like writing
but you have to
write even if you’re not
if you’re a professional comic man
you have to
write like my i have friends that are
professional comments don’t actually sit down and write
and i’m like you’re selling yourself
short like all
right on stage
i’m like yeah i do too
but you got a
right you gotta sit down and you got a
right cause if you don’t
you you’re gonna have less ideas you’re
gonna have less
things that you’ve considered you’re
gonna have less topics to explore
you know and i talked to a
buddy who just
writes in the car he
never writes
but he just
drives around his car and comes up with ideas i’m like
all right that’s a method too
but you really
should write
because when you actually sit down and
write something whether it’s
a pen to a piece of
paper or whether it’s writing in
front of a computer
it takes like
the word strategy
well it takes
much longer to
write the word strategy than it does to consider
the concept of strategy
so while you’re writing it
you’re putting more thought and more consideration into
things you open more doors when you
write it down
for sure sure for sure
and you you know you
you consider
things more deeply and more carefully and you can
go back and edit them and read them and say
hmm do i like
how this came out do i like how i’m saying this
maybe i should say it like this or
maybe i should be
clear about that or
you know it’s like you have to
write man you have to it’s part of your job
and for a long time i didn’t
when i was on newsradio i didn’t
write at all
if there was like two years
where i never
wrote a fucking joke
really yeah i didn’t
write shit i was on a sitcom
and i was working all day on the sitcom
especially in the beginning it was long ass
hours what are you
still doing
stand up yeah but
i was half assing it
i was going
up and i was doing the material that i did for years
that i’d already
written for years and i had very very little new things
every now and then i have like a
new tagline or something that came up within the moment
but it was probably
the most uninspired period of my comedy ever
was between ninety four
and like ninety six ninety seven
really yeah
that’s when i
first got on sitcom on newsradio
what made you
start writing i bombed once in
front of some writers
did not have a good set
of a couple of the writers from
news radio came
and i had always
felt like when i was doing like a sitcom
especially when i was doing news radio
i always felt like a little bit of a fraud
i always felt like you know i mean even though
i was funny and i
would deliver the lines and get big
laughs and everything like that
i still felt like
like how the hell did i get us on
television like this is ridiculous
i’m on some nbc sitcom like i’m just some loser
you know like that i didn’t feel like i deserved it
you know i felt very
very much like i was faking being an actor
like i had never had done any acting
classes i took a few
private acting
classes when i
first got my development deal with disney
but that was
because they wanted me to do it they forced me to do it
and it was also
but i already
had the development deal you know it was just
like they wanted me to get some
coaching and
when i did it i did it with this lady
who’s like this failed actress
was really gross
she’s just like she was
gross i didn’t i didn’t like her i didn’t she
and she was
trying to get a job on the show that i was on
trying to get me to hire her
to play my mom
and i was like it was real creepy
so i felt i always felt like
kind of a little bit of a fraud
and then i had
these guys come to see me
and you know they were good writers man
these guys are from fucking harvard
and i was up real late
at the comedy
store it was a late
night spot and it was
a lot of people have been up and there
was almost no one in the audience left when i got on
stage it was a very
small crowd
i had very little energy
and i was nervous that they were
watching me and i ate dick
and i remember
thinking about it
after i had this really shitty
set really mediocre set
i remember thinking i was really embarrassed very
disappointed with myself
and like the fuck man i
gotta i gotta get back to work
and i started writing
again and then
a couple years
later i put out my
album my first
album i’m gonna be dead someday and it was really good
it was still to this day well listen to that and you
know it’s not
i would deliver it differently now
i got more skillful with my delivery and my
setups and i
might have reworded
things and i probably would have
done some editing and make some of the jokes tighter
but i’m still real pleased with it it was a real good
cd and it probably
wouldn’t if
i didn’t have that one set that really embarrassed me
that made me go to work
made you humble yeah
yeah well maybe
aware that i was
slacking off it wasn’t that
i was like oh i’m the best i don’t have to work at it
it was really that was just
living off of this sitcom
thing and you know i was having this
success being on
television and i took for
granted what got me to the dance
yeah you know
stand up is
so it’s a very rare
thing man and it’s a
trance that you put that audience in
and you have to
you have to practice that
trance on a regular basis you have to
get into that groove
cause we’re talking about
we’re recording this on an iphone
and it’s the coolest fucking
thing that you can just do this
cause it sounds pretty good and when
i showed it to tom there’s a
thing called
voice memos
and voice memos is what i use to record all my sets
this bitch cock
blocking mine
fucking podcast and
this voice memo
thing i record all my sets on
so i can always listen
like right before i’m
about to go on stage
and then it puts me sort of like deeper into trance
it makes me
more smooth when i go on
stage it’s like
the more you do comedy
the better you are comedy the more you get into that
groove and the more you listen to yourself do comedy
also the better you get into that groove
and by the way how high are you
right now tommy
cause you look like you’re about to
pull one of
these emergency exit doors open and fucking leave
straight blazed
we started this podcast
about an hour and i’ll tell you right now
an hour and 30 something minutes ago how long
yeah yeah we’ve been doing this for over an hour
yeah and in that time i’ve watched tommy go from sober
and just a little happy
i’m ripped to gone
right now he’s
considering the
first girl he fingered when he’s in the seventh grade
how he probably should have called her and
now she has children and she still probably thinks
about him when
some guy fingers her
right what are you thinking
about right now what are you considering
climbing up rainbows right now
looking for pots of gold
i’m having all
kinds of shit run through my head yeah like what
takes me a second to
process what we’re talking about
as much as i
try to check myself on
a regular basis and be real objective with how i behave
and you know and be you know real oh
i’m sorry to cut you off but
something has hit me but
when you’re talking about
all that stuff
about when you are not writing
as much yeah
like i’m having all that
but as you say i
start to just criticize myself
wow so listening to you
triggered like
like you know you should
write more you
should do more you should
yeah try more you know just being very
critical of
what i’m currently doing yeah
that’s what it is
i think we all need that you know i need to hear you
about you writing like i
wrote last night for five
hours like oh shit i
gotta write you know like i
think we all need that you know
whenever i like
brian was telling me that dave chappelle did a set last
night somewhere in hollywood
and i remember the last time i saw chappelle
he was really
funny it was a really good set too
and i remember
after i saw him i was like man i want to go home and
write like fuck like that was really good comedy like
i saw that i thought
about that last time i saw katt williams to sort of
one of katt
williams specials and i went man i feel like writing
right now i got feel
i feel juiced
up you know i feel that also like totally always
inspired by comments yeah and then also i just was
at a job last few weeks writing on a pilot and
i was on the
road when i got i was hired so i i was got hired
i went out of town
and they were like we
still need you to ride from the road
and at the end of the week
i’ve been riding
like 10 12 hours a day
for them and i was like
look how much like work i got done
on the road
where so many times i just do nothing
just beat off and
watch tv right
that’s it just jerk off
and eat shit
do that for like weeks at a time
but i got so much work done
that week when i was being hired to do it i was like
man i waste a lot of fucking time
could be doing this for myself yeah why why
would i not like
i was doing
twelve hours a day yeah
riding on the road
yeah because
i was being paid to do it i was like man there’s
there’s just too much i mean i
could at least do a fraction of it
yes yeah i could do a fraction of that
i got so much done
yeah it feels
great to doesn’t it i felt
i felt great
and then i felt like fucking shit for like having i
started running through my mind
about how much time i wasted right
yeah i do the
exact same thing i
committed myself
to a project the last time i was taping my
special and i’m
going to do the same
thing this time
of the last 30 days of the special
before i special
from 30 days out to the day i do it
i just write a new blog post every day
so i was in
front of the computer
every day for six
seven hours
eight hours whatever it took
to bang out a blog post i mean occasionally they were
shorter when
life got in the way but i committed to putting one out
every day and i
wrote it i called it day one day two
and then i started naming them
but i wrote some of my best
stuff from that man
the open letter to kellogg’s
that was a blog that like a million people read
you know i wrote a letter to
kellogg’s after they
got rid of michael phelps
after they fired him as a
spokesperson
but i wrote that as an
exercise it was like i had committed myself to writing
every day for 30 days
and when you do that it’s like
sometimes i’ll sit in
front of my computer for fucking
four five hours
and all i’m doing is looking at
videos of dudes getting
their heads cut off
and oh look
at this pool cue that’s for sale wow that’s really nice
and oh here’s another
video on a porsche
gt three going around a racetrack
and now here’s
a documentary on quantum mechanics and you know what
what entanglement really means and
by the end of the
night i’m like
did i get anything done i was supposed to sit down and
write you know
oh so easy to do that i mean
you should do some research and some looking at
stuff but god damn you got to do a lot of writing too
yeah it’s got to be
what it is it’s a
total flip of that balance
it’s got to be
where you are writing
as much as you were fucking around yeah you fuck around
as much as you used to
write so you just use the fucking around as a break
and that’s i
think a normal healthy practice
yeah but you got it
it’s so easy when you’re
on the road to justify it too yeah that’s the part
fucked up is
like i’m traveling
traveling i’m tired
tired’s a huge one yeah because
it’s very easy to just be
tired the whole time
well i write a lot on
planes i write some of my best stuff
when i’m on a plane
and it’s because
i’m forced to sit in the seat i can’t go anywhere and
before they had wi fi
on the plane
which they do on this flight this flight is wi fi these
motherfuckers
they’re trying to
tempt us with the dark side but we’ve
avoided them by
being productive and making a goddamn podcast what what
but yeah i mean i
would write some of my best shit because i
would actually
be forced to do it i’m just sitting down there
you know it’s a
great thing i love when i
write something too that’s really good
when i was gonna fuck off
you know like it feels better
on the way back to australia i
wrote this great bit
i wrote this great
piece that i’m working on
right now and
after i got done looking i was like yes
like i just
fucking made that happen i sat down
that releases adrenaline yeah yeah
i felt so satisfied i felt like
i just you know it’s like
the relationship between i mean it really
ultimately is
i created something that someone’s
gonna enjoy that’s the real charge that’s
where it’s coming from
but it’s also
you’re tricking yourself
into making
things that people gonna
enjoy saying
these people
gonna think i’m the shit you know and then
you know you create this knowing that you’re
gonna crush in
front of that
audience you know when you deliver that bit
you know it’s like
the motivation
it’s it’s like it’s like there’s a lot of
trickery going on there’s a lot of different
things that are
tugging at yourself
both healthy and unhealthy as to why you create things
you know there’s nothing like when you
wrote something and you can just
you can hear yourself saying it and it just like that
it’s the ultimate
satisfaction
and it crushes
oh i got this new line man oh
i remember when i wrote it i
wrote it and i looked down at the keyboard i’m like
i got this like this one just came
and then i went up that
night in brea
and did it and it destroyed
it came out of my mouth
absolutely perfect it was one of
those rare lines
where as you
write it you
write it exactly as you’re
gonna say it
most of the
times it’s not how the most of times i have concepts
and i write out the concept and i get way too
verbose cause really what i’m considering is
i’m just writing i
write in long form like as a blog entry
and then out of the blogs that’s when i pick like
little gems that become bits and figure out how to do
them but this one wasn’t
like that this one was just one an idea that i had
that what was straight up a joke
right out of the gate
and as soon as i said it on
stage it was perfect
i didn’t need to
tweak it i don’t need to do a
thing to it
it just destroyed and i was like wow look at that man
it’s just such a satisfying feeling
it’s like you acted as an antenna
and the universe
jolted this idea into your
brain and you
wrote it down because that’s what you have to
do if you want to be good at it and then you went up on
stage and delivered it
and you know
there’s a thousand
people there to see you and they all went fucking
crazy hearing it
ah it’s so fun man
i would never want to be
there’s nothing i
would rather do
in life than be a comedian
nothing i’ve
never thought for
i’ve done other
things because they offered me money
like fear factor and
even the ufc i mean i love working for the
ufc i never
don’t look forward to
fights even
fights like
ultimate fighter finales
where a lot of people don’t know who the guys are
fighting i know who they are
i look forward to
every one of them i fucking love it man
but if i had to choose
between that and
never doing
stand up again it
wouldn’t even be a choice it’d be like
i could always watch the
fights i would i
would enjoy the
fights more
if i was watching them
you know if i was
standing at home and stephen bonner was doing it or
kenny florian was doing my job
i would enjoy it more
because first of all
those guys do a
great job and
second of all i just want to watch the
fight i don’t want to have to
elaborate and
explain and predict and call what this guy’s doing
wrong with this guy’s
i like i just want to
watch it i like
watching fights
about myself
you know like i
watch like the k one
fights and all
these and yeah at the most
every now and then i go all
look out for your neck
bitch get your neck down get out
you got them
actually more than
other people really
it’s fun though
on some nights though when a big
fight especially to have a bunch of buddies over
it’s fun but i like watching regular games
i like watching them alone
you do really
absolutely sometimes people want to talk too much
right or the games going on i mean
it all matters on which sports
or what level of entertainment to you
like the more that you’re into the sport
then it becomes just something like
it’s not that like you take it too seriously
but it’s like the game
or the sport has some
meaning to you yeah
and you really enjoy you got to be into it
you got to be focused on it and people
start talking about fucking bullshit i hate that girls
girls are terrible some guys are fucking
worse than girls
some guys just fucking like
just talking bullshit to you like you know we use
we knock off
like i just want to
watch the goddamn game i don’t
care about some
dudes just want to hear themselves talk they do
and they’re
uncomfortable they’re so uncomfortable with themselves
they have to make you uncomfortable too you know
they can’t be
silent you can’t do it man
you can’t do it there’s always got to be
noise to drown out that internal dialogue
yeah what do you
think about
those red sox there’s always
gotta be something
and a lot of times it’s a guy that wears a
class ring oh no
guys with class rings man they’re fucking
formula for
they are ridiculous fucks they are
totally you are a
silly fuck if you wear a class ring
there’s not a
whole lot of
generalizations that i almost
emphatically across the
board support
but that is one
tell you what if
if people who wore
class rings
were considered one race
i would be really racist
i would hate
the class ring race more than any
yeah those are the type of guys that
like stayed around the auto shop parking lot of high
school a couple years
after they graduated they’re
still coming back
big the chest
pounding guys
yeah a lot of
chest pounders who
chug it chug it chug it
those guys who want you to chug a beer
yep more shots
let’s get a couple more shots over here that
sounds like me
shots bring the party
it’s a douchey element yeah
you make the choice for the class ring and you’re
you’re opening yourself fucking out the
door man you’re out bundy without the jokes it’s
just in the shoes
you’re a real live out bundy
that is the truth
you know that guy ed o’neal
al bundy is a fucking black belt
jiu jitsu shut the fuck up
it’s legit dude
he’s a really cool guy man is a
super fucking talented actor yeah he’s very good
and it’s kind of
weird that he’s like type cast is out bundy
yeah but he’s made on that new show on
yeah yeah and he did a movie it’s been enough years
but for a long time he was stuck as al bundy you know
but he played that that that
that that caricature kind of became a joke
but it’s the best that is
a fucking amazing job show is brilliant
that show is brilliant yeah that was that’s an all time
great sitcom
no doubt about it
i talked to him i flew to
north carolina
once we just happened to be on the same flight
just happened to be sitting
right next to each other yeah
and talk to him the
whole flight over
about jujutsu
loves jujutsu
he’s a fiend
he’s really good
he’s a big guy too
probably strong as fuck really yeah man
al bundy’s no joke
and o’neal sorry
he’s you know
if he was calling me joe gorelli i’d be upset
but it’s not a lot of whole
like celebrities that get on the mat and
spar with just everybody and anybody
you know most guys don’t want to be embarrassed
when i first
started doing
jiu jitsu i took private lessons at
first for like
fuck man like two years
i wasted all this time only taking private lessons
because i didn’t know you got a role with a
bunch of different people to really get good
and then i became friends with eddie
i was a blue belt at the time
i really wasn’t good at all it was terrible
and then when i
started taking
classes with him he really
emphasized that
you have to
spar with other people you have to take
classes there’s no way to get
good without it
and i realized that as i
started rolling with better people
i started rolling
with different people i had no idea what i was doing
i had a couple moves
and i hadn’t faced enough of a variety of attacks
from different people
like you get used to a certain person’s game
like say if one guy has a game
where all he does is
shoots pulls
guard on you
and tries to
submit you off his back
well you’re
aware of that
so all you’re doing is trying to
stuff the guard all the time
stuff the guard and pass
stuff the guard and pass
whereas there’s another guy who always
tries to get on top
and so you’re like alright this
motherfucker’s trying to get on top of me
there’s no way i’m
gonna keep him off i’m
gonna hold him off
i know what he’s
gonna try to do he’s
never gonna pull
guard he’s always
gonna try to
get on top of me
and so you get accustomed to that person’s game
and you can kind of like settle into
their game boo
you can settle into
their game and
by the way how fast are your goddamn reflexes
i accidentally
brushed into
tommy’s starbucks cup
and before it
moved a half an inch
he moved like the flash
and caught it like in midair
that’s the weed son
that’s the weed
helping you out
if you weren’t
sober right there if you were sober you probably
had a big puddle in your lap
you might be right
that was fast i do
jiu jitsu high all the time
really oh yeah
do you roll better please
yeah everybody does
the whole class is high half the time
eddie’s class because
eddie’s like real
open about it you know he’s always talking
about how he
smokes weed and how it makes him better jiu jitsu
people have a real
wrong interpretation of weed
and what its
effects are
but it really helps
video games
really helps pool
really helps pool
i play a ball better
which means
what a ball
better means like if you play a game like nine ball
which is a game
where you play in rotation
you have to
shoot the balls one in order
if a guy’s better than you he’s a ball better than you
if a guy’s a ball better than you that means he
could spot you the
eight ball you
know like he’s good enough that he’ll get out
he’ll get an
extra ball in what you won’t
you know it’s one way of looking at
so when i smoke pot i
literally play a ball better
i could give myself that
doesn’t smoke pot the eight ball
really yeah i’m not kidding
and we jujutsu to
i mean i do just to sober all the time
but i do it high all the time too
and i think i’m better when i’m high
what opens it
i don’t think
about anything else but the
jiu jitsu you get so
focused you get so
laser beamed into what you’re doing
and jiu jitsu is all
about feel and rhythm and
being able to achieve that zen
state and i
think marijuana
allows you to achieve that zen state
in almost everything
better than you can on your own
like for sex
marijuana turns me into like
literally like i don’t say like an animal
yeah fucker like an animal
but i feel like i don’t have a language an animal
i feel like i’m just primal
like i’m way more like
way hornier
feels way better when i’m high
you know to me it like it really
brings me to that the zen
state of fucking
you know and i
think it does that with comedy
i think it does that with everybody
but it’s all
a direction that i choose to go in my mind
while utilizing it it gives you that primal focus
yeah absolutely
yeah you’re able to focus more
it’s supposed it’s here for our
evolution that’s
what it’s here for it’s here to get you better at
things it seems
ridiculous but
the real effect of marijuana isn’t
even from smoking smoking is something they figured out
later on in life
in order to get it into your
bloodstream really quickly
but when you
smoke it you miss out on a lot of the
stuff that we’re getting
right now cause we ate it
this is how a
human supposed to take in marijuana supposed to eat it
when you eat it it’s a
psychological
yeah it’s a
psychedelic drug
and it’s an
aging of evolution
it’s totally
psychedelic yeah
yeah listen
that’s the end of the podcast
folks because tommy
secure has to pee we did an hour and 48 minutes josh
this is we’re
gonna sign out
thank you to the
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thank you tom segura
one of the fucking
funniest coolest guys i know and you can
catch him on
his website
which is tomsugara com
you can check out
s e g u r a
not everybody knows how to
spell that pal
and the twitter
is tom sigura
s e g u r a
and i have a podcast
there’s a link to on my website so if you go
to my website there’s a link to the podcast and we’re
gonna try to get him hooked up to the death
squad network
and if you go to
death squad tv that is
the podcast that
brian redband produces and he’s got like
a bunch of them now they’re number nineteen
right now in the itunes comedy he’s blowing the fuck up
hello so we are
headed to dallas we’re actually landing
right now too it’s
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so all right
thanks for being on my friend
all right love you bitches
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