The Joe Rogan Experience #86 - Tom Segura

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flashlight and now here’s joe rogan experience special

edition podcast on the plane with tom seguro

it’s called winning

and i am on a truck it’s called trolley theme

podcast on a plane productions presents

joe rogan and the great tom segura on the way to dallas

en route to louisville

yeah we’re sitting here

obviously first class winning

winning five a amp b on our way to mars

on our way to be rock stars from freaking mars

and we are on our way to do a show at the louisville

improv on wednesday

by time you get this it’ll probably already over

whatever bitches sold out anyway holla

it’s called winning

we’re just starting to feel the edible

right about kicking in now are you tommy creep

creep it’s creeping on up

from behind yeah it’s

a nervous feeling the

first time you ever do the breast trip on the plane

or a cookie or whatever what

you know the one time that the

first time that i dosed you up

where were we headed to dude we were headed to tampa

we’re going to tampa

and i i you’re like yeah

you like it you take

a little bit

and i was gripping onto the

to the fucking armrest

thinking about

all the fucked up things i’ve done in my life

and i was just like

you know what i’m just a bad bad person

i was ready to cry

it’s a real psychic

cleaning you know it really does open up your

your psychic closet

and just start pulling shit out and dusting it off

you know a real good

pot brownie you know i was listening to

terrence mckenna talk

about eating pot that you know a lot of the

early hindu texts you know

dealt with eating marijuana and that

you know that

like for a lot of them like that was like a really

psychedelic experience like

just as psychedelic as mushrooms you just gotta eat it

you gotta eat a lot of it yeah you

don’t realize man if you don’t if you’re not used to it

eating marijuana we’ve talked

about this on

the podcast a hundred times but for people who

haven’t heard this

it creates a totally different

chemical when you eat it called 11 hydroxy metabolite

when it’s processed by your liver

and it’s four to five times more psychoactive than

thc it’s a way

stronger drug so

but it’s perfect for a plane

it’s what it is it’s like look you’re vulnerable

you’re in the seat

you’re not going anywhere

you’re in the

space you’re 30 000 feet above the

earth you know

if something goes

wrong you’re fucked

so you feel that vulnerability too

and then when you get hit with that pot

edible oh goodness especially

if you’re not

expecting it

when it’s a surprise it’s a new ride man

like when you’re just like

oh this will just be like any other time

when you’re like you don’t know what’s

gonna happen

that shit straight up grabs you by the

chest and is like i’m fucking here

it scares you

i was terrified i think

i wanna like i really was

freaking out but when it was over i was i actually did

think like that was a good thing

just happened yes

i always feel like that

after the hardest

craziest strangest trips

where i get the most scared and i feel

i’m all shitty

about my life

or about things i’ve done

sometimes it’s

things i’ve done when i was like 13

my god damn it the old

stuff yeah why am i

still dwelling on this

i’m not doing that anymore

it’s in the drawer

somewhere in there

yeah you gotta

clean it out but

these experiences

these plane

you know anytime you eat pot really

but you don’t have to do it on a

plane i mean pot

doesn’t give a shit

where you are

if you eat a really

strong brownie

you’ll it’ll really like

expose you to your vulnerabilities

you’ll feel all fleshy

and you feel like real soft and easy to break

yes you know extremely fragile

yeah yeah like shaken fragile

like you just saw a fire or something

and there was animals inside and you’re traumatized

it’s like that

because it’s

so fucked up in amsterdam they stopped selling

brownies and cookies and shit at

the coffee shops

really yeah

i didn’t know too

many people get fucked up and they can’t handle it

they stopped

making mushrooms legally or two unfortunately

but pot and

brownies are just as

bad man you know it’s like it’s kind of like somebody

calling you out on your shit

for something that you did do like

you don’t have a

and you didn’t

expect them to call

you out on yeah and then you know like how that feels

when that when that’s happened to me

you feel that in your core

yeah it’s kind of an

awful feeling

but then it’s also

after the awful feeling comes relief

yes we were like well now it’s out there

yeah the thing that i was

worried about

right at least

it’s out there

right yeah it’s cleansing

it is like cleansing

yeah well you know i mean people have this ability to

block out certain parts of

their behavior and personality

and yeah that’s why

idiots you know that’s

why we love calling people we were just making fun of

steve harvey

on the way up here and

he’s so full of shit

and not just full of shit but

hilariously stupid

like some of the shit that he says is just so dumb

that i save his tweets

and we were just reading them

and then we watched

katt williams

dissect him

katt williams

did a show with

them and just

just destroyed him

and you know

well what’s

funny about that is

cause you know

steve harvey

doesn’t check himself

steve harvey really

thinks he’s a bad

motherfucker he really

thinks he’s amazing he

thinks he’s a

messiah yeah

i see him he goes on religious channels and i

watch i watch those

videos of him

on like the


or the trinity broadcast network that’s what is tbn

he actually did a comedy special for

tbn that’s got to be

great that’s got to be the best ever

you need god

in your life you ain’t got god in the love you are

silly person

really gonna be moving

in so many ways how much

would you love to give

steve harvey a big fat pot

brownie and just

watch him cry

that would be the most amazing thing yeah

incredible yeah i

would love to

he was he was on the trinity broadcast network talking

about people who don’t believe in god

but you don’t believe in god you’re silly

i ain’t got nothing

to say to you you silly

great bed yeah yeah

that’s how i feel about

everything that steve harvey says on stage

none of it’s actually even a joke like it’s

special that i saw

i saw it on like tv like i

think it was about a year ago

or he would just

he would just recap news stories

and that was the bit

like he was just reading headlines you know like

like the lady driving

across texas wearing her diaper

he just said

do you believe this woman

drove across texas in a diaper

and then shook his head like hell no

that’s a whole bit and then like that

the audience

would fall out of their seat and he was like

on the next door then i read a

story about a man like what the fuck happened with

when i first saw him i

first saw him

in nineteen ninety four when i was doing the

montreal comedy festival

and he was as well

and he went on

stage and i was like this guy

should be paying richard

prior 50 of

everything he makes

cause he was like doing a

prior impression on

stage he was

doing richard

prior on stage

they didn’t they know what

first of all he’s

black they’re canadian they’re

gonna be nice

yeah you know but

but i was watching

and i was like wow i was like this guy like a fucking

he’s like a like

sort of like

not a cover band but like

a guy doing an ac dc

impression that singing his own songs you know

that a lot so i

think in every

generation right you see

yes somebody doing you see a few

hotels you know

it’s always the early guys

i did that a

bunch of times

where i had to

catch myself when i was

starting out

when i was an open mic or i caught myself on stage

i’ll never i was

sounding exactly like richard jenny

i was doing is rhythm

his cadence and i was a richard jenny fan

so it kind of made

sense but i was like wow like this is

gross like i’m hearing myself

sounding just like it

you know when people say it to you too but

they no nobody

said it to me

i’ve heard people said to me sam kennison when i was

starting out to

which i definitely was

influenced by him too

but you know when i

first saw bill hicks

he was like doing sam kennison

to the point

where i was like

uncomfortable with it

like doing the

noises that sam makes and talking like sam really

yeah well he was really

influenced by kennison as well

and kennison was fucking huge at the time

and hicks was

really just

starting to be

known in the comedy

world and he

never really got huge

in mainstream in america

even to this day you say bill hickson

you know only

the cool insiders know

who really who he is

you know it’s

not like saying bill cosby or something no

but back then he was really really unknown

and i went to see him at the comedy connection

and it was a really

small crowd and you know he was

yeah it was doing

kennison man

i mean for real parts of his act were like you know

that it was doing that

that the like the

demon he’s a demon

like i was yeah

yeah i was like sam it was like doing sam

you know but that’s normal you know

comics are influenced by

other comics i’ve

taken guys on the road with me too

and saw them

starting to talk like me and

sound like me

which is real weird yeah

yeah it’s normal man it’s normal you know

they’ll see somebody crushing

and then they’ll sort of imitate the

crushing you know

like mensia did that with me that was one of the

first things like

mensia never really

stole any of my jokes

cause he knew

i would fucking

slap him and

but he used to

steal them on

the road i used to hear stories on the road

about him stealing but he never

stole anything in

front of me in town

but what he did

start doing is delivering jokes like me and

like he was

sounding like me like

his cadence is

and i was like

this motherfucker is like

it’s you know

it’s like that was the only time it ever bothered me

you know other times i’ve

seen people do it and i was like wow it’s kind of a

compliment you know someone

sounds like me you know

but i think it’s normal you know because comedy is

it’s such a

weird thing to

learn anyway it’s like and it’s like your

speech and your cadence on

stage is kind of affected it’s kind of like

you’re putting on

a different sort of a

pattern of talking

so that you

could get your comedy across better

and then when you see someone who does it and

it’s really effective yeah you you automatically sort

of like internalize that you know i used to totally

like when i

first started who i

you’d say that i

sounded like and you’re not you’re

gonna think i’m joking

ralphie may no chris rock

really yeah but i’m not not to the point

where you say chris rock

you start imagining

the voice and

everything like

when i wouldn’t do that but

i essentially

cause i was so obsessed with him

when i was like before i

started doing

stand up this time

motherfucker talking over my podcast

we don’t care

about your fucking service

where you flying

oh we love one

excuse me sir

you you you fucking

mumble mouth

motherfucker can’t even barely understand this guy

magic’s guys tell you something important oh

like that this isn’t going well yeah excuse me

shut up shut your

shut your stupid hole

this whole system sucks the sound system sucks

he’s a mumbling prick anyway

yeah it’s terrible

i’m just i don’t want to ruin this chris rock

story so i’m just yapping over this till this

motor mouth motherfucker shuts his

pie hole here we go all right we’re gone

so but anyways i you know like i didn’t

sound like him but i didn’t sound the voice but

i started to like

i would pace

how he paced really and i would i would crowd

now you didn’t i don’t think

cause i mean this is i’m talking like

first two years in

you’re not like going what year

was this this would have been

two thousand and two and two thousand and three

and so he’s massive right i mean

still is but you know at that point like

i started watching him

basically i

knew he was when i was a kid because he was on snl

but when that

bring the pain

came out in like ninety five or ninety six

i was in i think that’s when it came out

that i was in high

school and i was like this that for me was amazing

that was amazing that special

grant like the guy was just he

blew my mind so

then bigger and

blacker came out when i was in college he was it

you shut the fuck up oh god

sorry folks

this is when you get podcasts on a plane

this is what you get it’s part

so you know that it’s authentic

because we could be pretending we

could be in my office right now

but you hear the

sound in the background that could just be a fan

we should do a

fake plane yes

we can do the airplane

sound app where it just makes a noise

and we’ll do announcements like this

is there an airplane sound app yeah

there is yeah yeah i have

i have a noise app so you can play it while you’re on a

phone call to pretend that you’re on a

plane call yes wow

why do you why

would you have it what is it for the noise that

so like if you want like if you hate to

sleep in silence you want

white noise

or radio airplane there’s airplane noise yeah

wow so you can sleep on airplanes some people

sleep i guess people just like the noise of it yeah

all right so um two thousand two two thousand three

so you are your

you paste like him he was your favorite comedian

yes he was definitely my favorite comedian

cause i i loved like

i mean i love that he was

saying like breaking shit down i love that that element

of of comedy

yeah and i love the way he

he’s basically like with this is

basically this and this

like he does that so well takes a

semi complicated

thing and he just simplifies it you know

he’s really good at that

and he was also just fucking hilarious

that would you piss my pants on

those specials

so but i’m saying i

wouldn’t consciously then go on stage and go

i’m gonna do chris rock

but i was so influenced by him because he was like

comment that i was watching all the time

that i like i get that

with what you mean like if somebody were to hang out

all the time how they

could start

cause then i

would then i

would start to

like i would crouch on

punch lines you know he’s like that

that like he always he crouches

when he hits

punch lines yeah i

would start to do that and

people would

point out to me they’re like

do you know that like

when you hit

punch lines you’re crouching if your

shoulders are raising or you’re crouching down

that’s when i first went

that’s chris rock

that’s totally

chris rock and then people

would be like

your fucking cadence is kind of urban

you know that

and i’ll be like what

and they’re like you have an

urban cadence when you when you like

urban yeah that’s what kind of

city become

synonymous with

black people yeah

i know right

weird like it’s only

it’s a weird euphemism to not appear racist

so this oh he’s

urban and you know what it makes you sound like

doesn’t make you saying that

doesn’t necessarily make you

sound racist it makes you

sound like you’ve

never fucking even seen a

black person

like like urban

because you say like

this person

doesn’t talk even if like

or they’re just

super politically correct

you know we don’t realize

that most people

who have like regular jobs like you have to like really

next to me yeah all

these fucks next to us

poor pricks

these poor pricks i fly with

these poor pricks all the time

you know the

whole urban thing

it’s a that is a

weird it’s a

weird sentiment

when i was in

georgia we were doing a show in georgia

thank you hot

towel bitches that’s how we roll

his a podcast

we’re doing sorry

she was like hot

towel bitches what the hell is he talking about

apologize the race racing podcast

show rugged experience

we’ve been number one on itunes before

her eyes lit

up like he was saying

yeah i’m not supposed to be up here

i always feel like i’m not supposed to be up here

as much money

as i’ve made and

much successive i have on tape tv i always feel

completely illegitimate

every time i’m at first

class i’m always

expecting someone’s

gonna come out here

yank me out and

stick me in the back

every time i get a limo

looks like everybody’s

gonna be like

what prize did they win

neither one of us have shaved in weeks

you know yeah i know it’s funny

it’s funny but

all these poor fucks

ties and those slippery bottom shoes

that guy can’t run faster than anybody

my two year old daughter

could run faster than him in those stupid shoes

slippery ass fucking stupid shoes

back to urban

we were in atlanta

and then this racist white lady was telling us

where to go and where not to go and i like hey we’re

gonna go get something to eat where should we go

she was like well you don’t want to go to this place

because it’s got a lot of the elements wow

that’s like they’re a combination of different things

earth wind and fire bitches

she said the elements

and we were like whoa

we made a repeat it we like other people come over

yeah cause it was so ridiculous

you know the l o n

shirt yeah that was actually so

fuck it sounds so much

worse than just dropping the fucking

yeah to be like you know elements it’s like ouch dude

elements those elements

like i never heard that one before that’s a

that’s a unique one elements

literally sounds like disease to me

like you know what i mean like

you’re essentially calling them a fucking disease

you know it’s really funny because all

human beings are capable of

speaking english and all

human beings are capable of

you know pretty much doing

an individual base is doing pretty much any job in the

world i mean there’s you know

black surgeons and chinese comedians

and you know

chinese basketball players and irish

boxes i mean anybody can pretty much do anything right

but so because of that

whenever you categorize people or generalize

you become racist

instead of scientific

shut up up there come on

god damn it

now they’re selling shit

nobody wants to buy your

stupid sky mall bullshit

what is the percentage of people that buy

things off sky mall

is it even one it can’t

be no can’t be

but anyway what i was saying is any

observations that you make

about people there all of a sudden it’s racist

if you say like hey

black people seem to like to go to jail yeah yeah

you’re a racist

but then if

you look at it and say well we’ll get the numbers of

black people that are in jail

you know well what is that well it’s economic

oh okay all

right well let’s get poor

white people

yeah well well it

doesn’t look like it’s

economic because it seems like a big disparity you know

or you know it

could be anything

it could be saying the chinese people have little dicks

well let’s whip

out all the chinese dicks and whip them out

right next to the african dicks

let’s see what’s up

it’s not racist

it’s not racist

but in anything that you say that

might hurt someone’s feelings becomes

racist you know

where people don’t

wanna don’t

wanna accept it or deal with her think

about it it becomes

racist yeah and i hate also that um

i always have a

thing about

the word racist

and how people use it to mean racial

right just because you make it

up you can make an observation right

about a race it

doesn’t that isn’t

racist but people

right like racist

has a prejudice

you’re prejudging you have to have to make at some

point at least the

the suggestion

the idea behind that somebody is inferior

that’s why that’s what it is to be

racist is to believe that

run race your race or

whichever race you’re talking

about is superior right

so even if you say like man

i think i think chinese people

smell like cotton

candy or whatever

that’s not racist

right you’re just totally

you’re saying a race well

i said this on twitter once i said

what’s up with

black dudes that like to talk on

speakerphone when no one’s around

because i see it all the time

and i saw it ironically at rosco’s chicken and waffles

in la yeah the very

black establishment but

if you never been to la

quite goddamn delicious

i don’t know

yeah i don’t know what who invented the combination

of chicken and waffles but god damn it’s a winner

so i put that up

um you know why what is it about

some black i even

wrote some black guys

that like to

talk on speakerphone

while no one’s around

and all these

people immediately jumped on me and like that’s a bit

racist don’t you think

racist much

oh look joe rogan’s a dick oh showing your true

colors i was like whoa

whoa i can’t

first of all

what’s wrong with talking on


nothing there’s nothing

wrong with talking to someone on


i’m simply asking

why do a lot of

black guys like

to do it when there’s no one no one’s on the

phone with them

i mean no one’s next to them like

like right now if you and i were talking to a

third party

we would have it on

speaker phone and that would make

sense because you

know that way we

could both hear

this is just a guy by himself talking on

speakerphone loud like i don’t know know what that’s

about like those commercials

where you at remember

those commercials for

boost mobile

dudes were on


and i was like

where you at

where you at they’re holding the

phone away from

their face and they’re talking

like i don’t know

why that appealed to

black people

i think it was all

about i think it’s because it’s like a performance

and i think i feel like a lot of

black culture

like black men

like to put like it’s a performance a lot of times for

who’s around so it was right

about it’s a way to get attention

you know it’s a way to get attention but you

sound like a big fat

racist we think

about that well you know i’ve just been around

black people i

think i know what i’m talking about

i think i’m being totally honest right now

you know i don’t think there’s anything

wrong with saying that like

certain cultures like to do

things most most people in that

and whatever race will admit to the

thing you’re talking

about you know

unless it’s like it’s fucking a

stupid thing that you’re trying to

well there was plenty of people that agreed with me

and even black guys had agreed with

me but there was a lot that got upset

but those are people

that are either like they’re

being dishonest

where they hate something else in

their life so they’re just attacking you

like some people are just over sensitive when they make

shit up it’s also that they feel like they have the

right to get

angry at you it’s like it’s an opportunity

to point out that you’re being a dick

it’s a chance to have some power

in a conversation in their life

yeah they’re usually not in

power we had to call you on your bullshit

and to be self righteous

and to be indignant

to be upset

it’s a weird

thing that people

have that where it’s like

it’s not even a rational

thing you can make fun of italians all day long

and guess what i’ll fucking be there

right with you

i think they’re goofy

my relatives are

goofy fucks there’s

a lot of people that i grew up with that are

goofy fucks

you know italians are some of the

showiest silliest

most ego driven people i’ve ever met in my life

i don’t feel

upset when you talk

about them doesn’t

doesn’t hurt my feelings i don’t

i don’t get it

yeah i know like you know

this isn’t racist but

mexican people

do taste like tacos

like if you take a bite out of a mexican

it tastes like tacos

okay that is the pot

cookie kicking in

that’s the edible fella

no but i i don’t give a fuck

about really any

white person

stereotype dude i don’t care

about any of them in my mom’s peruvian

my dad took like

spanish french i don’t give a fuck what you say

about you speak fluent spanish i do

yeah it’s pretty weird coming out of your mouth

it is sounds

weird because you’re so

good at it like i’ve seen

you have conversations with people i was like tommy

might be a fucking cia

agent or something here man this is

crazy you should see anybody that’s

brown that i’m talking to when i

speak spanish

their eyes always

light up like they were

ready to talk

some shit around you

absolutely people

that are latin

are are more

blown away by a

white person

speaking spanish than you

would ever imagine

really oh fuck yeah man

that’s funny isn’t it

yeah i mean

they’ll just i’ll

start speaking spanish and they’ll just be like

what in the fuck

like where did you come from

you’re from mars yeah

really well eventually everyone’s gonna be

speaking spanish

right yeah dude

it helps a lot actually

i think i thought it

would it’s gonna take over

english eventually is the main language of the world

it just seems like they’re

breeding so much

so like inevitable

yeah it’s almost you know

so how do you stop it

are you been paying attention to all the shit that’s

going down in mexico

the drug violence and

stuff oh yeah it’s insane

it’s so bad now it’s getting

worse and worse and

worse it’s just constantly accelerating

it’s actually one of the few times where like

i usually pretty much read news

um without a lot of of an emotional response like i i

kind of have a pretty high tolerance for just

bad news like i’m kind of a news junkie you know so

i don’t really ever feel

that emotional

i feel like i just kind of just take it all in

and the in the violence in the stories from mexico

actually took it from

like wow fascinating fascinating to

kind of terrifying

in a way you know i mean like

not really like i feel like

someone’s gonna break into my house

but like where the stories became terrifying

like like in a

movie where you’re like whoa

that’s fucking

scary that that just happened yeah i mean

you’re lucky you know that you were born here is really

just a roll of the dice you had no saying that yeah

and it’s it’s

other level where like

you know a kid

patty’s here to see us hi patty

would you like to say hi to everybody on the podcast

hello pat is very nice and unfortunately we swore in

front of her and

shocked her

can i get a diet coke please

it’s a podcast

it’s for the

internet it gets on the internet it’s like a

radio show it’s on the internet

and we do versions

where we do them on a plane

cause we usually do it in a studio

but then we also do them on a plane

this is actually the

it’s like a radio show

hundreds of thousands

of people will listen to this believe it or not

for sure i’ll write it down for you for sure

patty you’re gonna freak out

i have a diet coke please

water please

baffle time to grow up being healthy i’m going for the

brain cancer donald remsfield row have the latte

there you go

so what were we just talking about

mexico mexico

stories are scary like there’s like

like a guy will get like

elected you know and

those he’ll just make one he won’t even make

a challenging comment he was like you know

we hope things get safer around here like

dead that night family dead did you hear

about the couple that were in

texas they were on a lake the lake that borders mexico

you’re on the mexican side of the lake and these

gang members criminals whatever they were

shot their husband shot her husband she escaped

they’re trying

to investigate and you know find out who did it so they

you know there’s

an investigator from mexico immediately they kill him

immediately he’s dead

so because it’s a high profile

case they thought she was a suspect at some point

but just got to be horrible for her

it was their

honeymoon i believe

was it i think so

yeah don’t fuck around in mexico jack

they killed like a

whole school bus full of kids

you know they went to on a

school bus and killed a

bunch of kids and out of school

when was this

it’s in the past year

they’ve decapitated people left notes like

stabbed in the people oh yeah

did you see the one it was one recently

where they chop this guy up

and the really funny part about it was

they showed all of his body parts

except in his hand he had his penis

and they blurred out the penis

he showed everything else really oh yeah

was the most ridiculous blurring ever

was like what are you saving people thank you

thank you

yeah it’s a lot of

you know fighting over control of the illegal drug

turf and what people don’t know is that

are they may not know both pull it yeah

what people may not know is that

this didn’t exist just a little while ago ma’am

i went on a vacation to cancun

in like two thousand and five

and you never

heard about drug violence back then you

never heard a peep about it

and hear nothing

about it didn’t exist

i mean it existed

i’m sure but i mean it wasn’t a part of mainstream

media in the news talking

about it now

it’s be like

people were only scared of columbia

like that with me but it makes

sense because the cartel

was in its heyday

in the eighties and nineties

and now power

shifts move the

money has moved to mexico

so there’s always

gonna be more violence

where there’s more

money yeah there was that

shift kind of

the violence

went with it

i watched an episode of the anthony bourdain

show no reservations

you ever see that show oh yeah i love that show

great if you

haven’t seen it

he’s a chef

and he travels all around the

world eating

their food and talking to

their chefs some

really good show and he’s an interesting guy yeah

he’s a real dude like he

no i hate watching a

travel show with eleven

here’s everything is

great like he’ll

be like this kind of fucking suck yeah you like oh cool

yeah bullshit

yeah no he’s straight up

about it but anyway he was in columbia

i think it was in medellin

and you know it was talking

about how maybe was bogota africa

but it was talking about how

great it was

yeah like that’s the

crime has gone down

the cartels have all been

squashed it’s

like it’s like it’s like you can you can hang out there

it’s like it’s not dangerous anymore

yeah i mean you

would hope that that

could happen in mexico but

part of the problem

mexico is that it’s connected to the united states

yeah that’s why everybody here oh

well there’s an infinite supply

of customers

you know if you’re selling drugs infinite supply

customers and

the problem is

that the united

states wants mexico to keep drugs legal

illegal rather yeah

it wouldn’t let them legalize it it was a big issue

and so they recently

decriminalized pretty much

everything so

you know this is like

really done under the

radar like mushrooms acid marijuana

everything is decriminalized in mexico

doesn’t mean you can sell it

doesn’t mean you can have

large portions of it

where it looks like you’re selling it but

you know if

you’re just a guy who gets caught with some coke

it’s not even a

it’s not even

against the law why

would they do see

that just speaks to like the hypocrisy of

the people in charge there because if

if they’re saying that

that it’s such a problem and they

wanna come like fight it

and you know it’s it’s

basically the reason why there’s violence

then why would you decrimp like why would

it be okay to decriminalize

well they do

that to tie up resources because they’re not

gonna go after the

individual users

they only go

after the cartels

and they did it because the resources were

completely they

just you know

they had no people to allocate towards

the cartels they had to

focus on the important part

the important part is the people that are selling

money and committing violence

are selling rather drugs making a lot of

money and committing violence that’s

free up yes people

free up resources and

because they wanted to do in the

first place they wanted it to be

legal but the united

states wouldn’t let them

united states

would not let mexico make drugs legal

you know they wanted to make it

legal so that

you know i mean look we all

that’s a tough

touchy subject with people

you know it’s like hey what

about the children

well guess what i don’t want

babies drinking

whiskey either

you know what i mean

whiskey’s fucking

legal and it didn’t used to be at one

point in time

whiskey was illegal just like heroin is today

and it was a big

thing and that’s how

organized crime came into

power in this country that’s

where the mom came from that’s

where al capone came from that’s

where the fucking kennedys came from

that’s where they got their

their money

moonshine baby

whiskey mills you know

there were people were doing that and making illegal

drinking illegal booze and making a fuckload of

money and the rise of organized

crime came about because of that

but somehow in this fucking

stupid country we

never learned we don’t

learn that the really obvious lesson

you know hillary clinton

gave an interview recently

what she was talking about

they were talking

about mexico and they were talking about

legalized drugs

legalizing them

if that would solve the

issue she goes you can’t do that they’re just too much

money involved

yeah like what does that even mean

that’s it that’s a

stupid ignorant

short sided way of looking at it

oh there’s too much

money involved so you can’t make it legal

first of all

who the fuck

is one person when we really get down to it to

tell another person what they can and can’t buy or sell

especially when you dealing with like

heroin or when you’re dealing

with pot or dealing with anything that just grows here

you know you

should all be decriminalized

yeah absolutely

absolutely yeah

you know if meth

if if all drugs were

legal meth included

i don’t think more people

would be doing meth

the people that are doing meth are

idiots in the first place well yeah

there would be

more people

dying of it but that

would also educate the intelligent people

well i don’t want to be like that guy that died of it

you know will some people be sacrificed because of it

that’s that’s a question

i mean that’s possible you know i

wouldn’t want it to be my children or my friends or my

friends children but neither

would you but

that just means you have to be more diligent in how you

raise your kids and how

aware you are

you know people say i don’t have the time for that well

what you’re

really saying is you don’t have the time for kids

yeah you know

because that’s part of being a fucking parent man

i mean i don’t want

anybody that i know to be doing heroin

or coke or math or anything like that but

as long as you can go to a

cvs drugstore and buy enough whiskey

to drink yourself to

death easily anybody

could do that yeah you

could what what

is the difference between that and math i’m confused

i don’t know i

guess i never thought of it like making the hard work

more hardcore

stuff legalize

always assume that keeping that

stuff illegal was a good thing

but maybe the same people that are doing it when it’s

illegal would

just you know they’d be the same people doing it legal

i would not

argue don’t get me

wrong like i

would not argue

about meth being

illegal or heroin

being illegal yeah like i have no problem with that

like if you want to keep it illegal

absolutely but

really when it boils down to

is that what i’m saying is that the

stuff that i like like mushrooms and marijuana and all

those things

those are just

as illegal if not more illegal and that’s

completely ridiculous that is ridiculous

because actually in some

maybe in california

they have like a higher

like no they have

no it can’t be

california one of the

states has it

where marijuana is criminally

the same level felony

that like heroin is

well it’s not it’s more illegal than heroin

or is that but

it’s more illegal than cocaine to because it’s matter

uses that’s federally

see that’s insane yeah more illegal that’s insane

that directly has to be tied

to the money behind of course because you can’t be

yeah powered

and because there’s pharmaceutical uses for opiates

where you could sell opiates

you know which is

essentially synthetic heroin like

oxycontins and shit like that

that’s synthetic heroin yeah

you know so because there’s medical uses for it

it’s a schedule to

whereas marijuana is schedule one you know

yeah it’s completely ridiculous and it

it flies in the face of

logic and and it makes you feel like you’re

being insulted your intelligence is being insulted

you know i just don’t

think that anybody

should be able to tell anybody else what to do

but you know if you’re talking

about keeping like heroin out of your community

and then you

should make it

like illegal in a town or illegal in a state

absolutely i’m down for that

i’m totally down for

the community stepping in and protecting people from

things that

can be demonstrated as being dangerous or deadly

but when you get to like pot and mushrooms like

who the fuck are you to tell people what to and to not

you know what they

kind of can’t do no that really is more than anything

like a huge waste

of resources

things that

could be better

spent as far as time and

crazy amounts of money

be freed up

for you know for making

for decriminalizing

marijuana mushrooms

like that’s just such even

worse than that it creates a

whole industry behind keeping it illegal

yeah from private prisons to cops

more money to dea

agents i mean

that’s one of the reasons why it’s been argued

that you can’t make marijuana illegals because you

would lose all these jobs

or you can’t can’t make it

legal rather

because you would

lose all these jobs

and that’s just

completely fucking silly like

just because

you get your job is cutting off puppies heads

and i like well we can’t make puppies head cutting off

illegal because i will lose all these jobs

these guys are out there

chopping off puppies heads like

it’s a dumb way of looking at it man

it is but we have big government in this country man

and people like whenever they talk

about creating

new jobs and there’s programs to create new jobs

i hear that

but i also hear all right

all the fuck you’re doing is

you’re making the government bigger

by creating new jobs

you’re just making the government larger and

and and and

more intertwined in our

life it’s not necessarily like governing or helping or

you know using my tax dollars to the best advantage

who just creating

more jobs by making

things you know

what you have to fill out

paperwork for certain

things or you know it’s just

the more government

you have the more fucking problems you have

and the more you can’t you can’t downsize it

more you know you have a

bunch of people

lobbying to keep

things illegal

that have been demonstrated as being

not dangerous or bad at all

and they just do it because they want to keep the jobs

yeah it’s always

about money man

money drives

everything money

money has an

effect on every single law

there’s nothing that is

you know completely easy and

legal it’s worth a lot of money

doesn’t have some type of

either law attached to it or backend being kicked

but it’s also in a good way too

bad work good i mean

money drives

movies you can’t

spend 500 million dollars on a

movie like avatar

unless you know that it’s

going to sell

and they knew that that

movie was gonna be a goddamn

blockbuster so money

drives it and

guess what you and i get to see it and go holy shit

this is fucking awesome fucking amazing yeah i mean

money drives cars like

you wanna buy a porsche

listen porsches you know

take away all the

stereotypes of midlife crisis cars and all that good

stuff it’s a fucking amazingly engineered

piece of machinery

and there’s

only one way to make that it cost a fuckload of

money and you have to

spend a lot of

money and time

developing and creating these

things and then you have to make sure that there’s

going to be someone who’s got a shitload of money

that’s willing to

step in and buy

these things sure

you know so

money drives

things in a good way and in a bad way

you know but

my problem is not with

money moving

things my problem is with government

i just think we have an

enormous amount of government in this country that’s

completely totally unnecessary

and we just

have it there because it creates jobs and because

you know a lot of

especially democrats love that shit they love to create

and make the

government bigger although the government grew

in you know the the bush administration from

the clinton administration just because of all this

you know keep america safe shit that was going on

oh that that had to create so many thousands my

career man yeah

absolutely nine eleven made everybody a lot of money

that’s insane

it is insane

remember when they were doing the code orange

over that shit code red code orange code yellow

they recently gave that up

and they just did

right yeah too bad

i used to love

the early days of it

going to usa today

was heightened alert yes

so we were always at heightened alert yes

and you know

there’s people out there so

you don’t even know how hard this government works

cause all our military and all our

secret service and all our cia

they are stopping terrorist attacks

every day of the week

you just sit your little comfortable

house and feel real good

why warriors

out there protect you from evil

and may or may not be true

i mean i know that they do a

great job and people are busting

their ass every day yes but you know what else they do

they also set

young dummies up

and give them fake bombs and then arrest them

like they did to that guy in dallas

remember that i

think he was

gonna do it in

these from dallas and he was

gonna do it in colorado

i think it was in denver

i forget i forget what the

state was but

this kid was a fucking

idiot and he was

spouting off

about how he wanted to get back in america and he was

a part of some

radical muslim

group and they

they fucking contacted this guy the fbi got in with him

hooked him up gave him a bomb

and the bomb was fake then they arrested his ass

holy shit yeah man

they do shit like that they get you

to do things and then once you do it then they jack you

that’s well part of me likes it though

cause i’m like

yeah i liked it they’re out there exposing

those retards

yeah go get that dummy

give him a fake bomb then put him in a fucking jail

because if he was willing to pull the

trigger on that fake bomb i don’t care if he’s coerced

okay i don’t care if you

you know you made it

sound a lot better than it really is to him you made it

sound wonderful

but you that guy that fucking

dummy was willing to do that kill him

lock him in jail toss him away

oh yeah that’s the

that easily

influence of a mind

yeah doesn’t it

doesn’t deserve to be free either way

yeah there was another guy recently i believe it was

in seattle seattle or portland somewhere in the pacific

northwest another guy same

thing they totally set his ass up

that’s up and lock them up

yeah amazing

you know what the

world is missing nothing by

those guys being locked up

nothing nothing at all nothing

nobody nobody misses

their best friend

because that guy

doesn’t have one

yeah i’ve got shithead

probably those

child support

remember the guy in new york

the guy that

he just fucked up and just became really

close he just did a shitty job

constructing his truck bomb

but if that thing went off

you know that fucking thing was gonna kill

you know who knows how many hundreds of people

or thousand you know it

could have been

mean i don’t know how much

power is detonated by one of those truck bombs

but this dummy just didn’t didn’t have the right

system set up to detonate it

but he was willing

to do it man there are people out there that are

fucking dumb as

shit and will it do it how

about like those somali pirates dude

amazing guys put it

all on the line

like it’s horrible what they do they’re willing like

the type of mind that is willing

to die try it yeah kidnapping

and die yeah they

shoot at us warships man

they shooted

everything yeah

fucking rocket propelled hand grenades

you shoot them at warships

there’s that shows you how bad

shit has to be in somalia

it’s got to be the fucking

worst place to live

where doing that shit

fucking let’s go kidnap people on a boat

is a better option

well do you know how it all happened

the somali pirates used to be called they

initially started calling themselves

the volunteer

coast guard of somalia

and they started kidnapping european ships

because european

ships were dumping

things in their

water and it was killing all

their fish and they

had that was

their income

they were their fishermen

so they got upset at

these companies

dumping all this

toxic waste into

their waters

so they kidnapped one

and they held

them up for ransom they got like a million bucks

and then they were like

fuck fishing

and then they went

crazy and just

started making it

their number one thing now

now they’re going

hundreds and hundreds of

miles away from somalia and jacking people

people don’t have to be anywhere near somalia or

even the gulf of aden

they just caught

they got 23 people yesterday

they they kidnapped them and then they

they killed

those people

just a couple days ago that the

couple the two couples yeah it was

four of them

yeah man it’s sad shit man

that’s really fucked up sad shit

would make me

never even go to that coastline

yeah we’re on

dude africa

be around africa in a nutshell is

absolutely insane

i’ve watched so many documentaries on africa and

i’ve watched a

bunch on the congo and

it’s so weird how

crazy it is there

i mean it really is like

somalia basically has no government

it’s a completely

lawless place

yeah totally

yeah they have warlords who just driving

around in mercedes with guns hanging out the windows

you know and those guys

become the stars of the neighborhood

those guys are making all the

money yeah you know

could you imagine man i mean forget

about being born in mexico imagine being born there

oh my god you just have such

that that’s and that’s just shows you like how

lucky you are to not be born there

that there’s that many people that like

for through nothing no choice or decision

that’s just where you live your life

in fucking somalia

yeah no kidding man we’re like shit

like this you’re you live in a war zone

from the diet from the day you’re born

yeah pretty ridiculous

totally ridiculous and then like

that somebody else just happens to be born

in bel air and that’s their existence

that’s just what they do

is they’re going

yeah just lucky

come on seven or

you did something super awesome in another life

yeah you know we’re super shitty yeah yeah

yeah you ever wonder about that man yeah

you know like what what made you born

and were you born ohio so we were born yes is that yeah

what did you do in the past life

would you believe in reincarnation

i don’t know

thought about it i don’t know if i actually

really buy into that concept but i do

think that like

i do think sometimes like

i’m feeling really shitty

about myself i’ll be like

what the fuck did i do to be

so lucky you know

right like to have

a good life

right like what

why why am i

looking someone’s life is so fucking terrible yeah

i have no answer

for that i don’t you know i don’t know if there is one

yeah i don’t know if there’s one either i was

thought about

reincarnation that it’s

silly to believe

or disbelieve it

it’s completely

silly to believe it but

i can see that but why not mean look

just the fact that you’re

alive and that you

you know whatever it is that

carries your personality in it

whether it’s

you know whether it’s a soul or consciousness or

you know what it whatever you are

just that it exists

alone in this

state in this body

is fucking weird enough man

why wouldn’t it

travel from this life to the next one why

wouldn’t you

know a soul

leave this dimension and

enter into a new physical body maybe even

a totally new dimension

i mean maybe

maybe our thing

about reincarnation is off

because it’s not reincarnation like

you live one life in this

earth and then you come

back and you’re born as a baby you live another life

no you might die and

enter into some unrecognizable new sort of a fucking

frequency of life

something completely different in the next

stage i mean that

could be what

evolution or what rather

reincarnation really is

is that your soul evolves

as your physical being and your universe

evolves and it

moves and changes from one

thing into the next or

you’re just dead

this could be all bullshit

could be all just

tricks your

brains trying to play on you

yeah i think

believing or disbelieving any of those

things it’s

interesting to consider all the possibilities but

believing or disbelieving

very very little difference between that and religion

oh yeah absolutely very little i mean

so i always think

hearing the different

theories from each religion is interesting

i really don’t have a problem with people is different

believes what

might happen

i don’t i don’t

i i don’t feel one way that like no dude this is

definitely what happens right i

understand how anybody actually goes

yeah then here’s what happens after that

you talk to a guy and then you get a

glass of milk

and then you go like really do you know

all the fucking details of what happens

seriously well all you have to

do is pretend that you know that and talk confidently

and you’ll have a cult

yes that simple

i mean that’s amazing thing

about people

is that we’re so fucking insecure and confused

that all someone has to do is come

along and speak


and we listen

absolutely they can see the most

ridiculous shit ever

and they’ll be at

least a few

people that will be into what they’re saying

yeah believing

in anything believing in anything that you can’t prove

anything that’s not

i mean it’s just

you’re choosing

a box that you’re

gonna put your thoughts in

and once you do that man

anything that’s outside that box

you’ve discredited you’ve

left it out of the realm of possibility

and that becomes a real problem with thinking

especially when you’re basing something on

a thought process in

a pattern of behavior that is

from a long time ago when people knew almost nothing

about science

almost nothing

about the nature of reality

i mean even though we don’t know that much

about it now i mean

we know way more

about it they knew

three thousand years ago when they were writing the

bible you know when you

when you read the shit that does exist in the bible

all the shit about women being

second class citizens and condoning slavery and

i mean it’s like

why would you believe anything from it why

how come you can cherry

pick from the nonsense you have to pick and choose

but either pick and choose or

you blanket embrace it

you know i mean

right or you

blanket rejected but

the people that

blanket accept it

yeah always

sound insane there’s no such

thing as somebody who across the board

loves it and goes

you know what

i’m a rational person

you have to pick them shoes

yeah otherwise it’s too crazy

will you ever religious at any

point in your life totally

yeah when well

growing i just raised in

like catholic

household so it wasn’t like super

strict but like it was just kind of intensified

and so it just means you’re just raised

like this is the way it is

you know pray a lot

when did you

start to think it was horseshit

actually i was really affected by a lot by the scandal

when when the that that kind of put me off which one

like when the initial

huge rush of

all the pedophilia charges

against the catholic church came

there’s always been select but like when that big rush

of them where it was like no this is a massive problem

that really

fucked me up and

like it’s really hard

to not start having doubts about like

people that i was raised

how old we when this happen you think

when you’re aware of

stories but i i wasn’t it wasn’t till i was a

teenager i was like

i know there’s there’s great people

in the catholic church but i know

great great amazing people sure there’s great moonies

was great scientologist

yeah but i like but we’re like like the people are

truly what it is to be good

like i know priests

that are just like

amazing human beings but

uh when you

think about the magnitude of one organization

that was essentially like running an operation that was

that was designed

to give people opportunities to to have

fuck a chance to fuck kids

is what it is really

that is really traumatizing to

what i thought

of the church before that happened

you know it’s like a hard

thing to even say

because it feels like such a betrayal

like of what

you were raised to believe was just something that is

so good yeah that the

thing that is

so good and beautiful it’s supposed to be so wonderful

is harboring

essentially the

worst type of criminal

you know i mean it seems like there’s so much harboring

too that it really must be on purpose and it must be

that there’s so many pedophiles

that it’s literally how they run

things and how

and they don’t want people

to get caught because they don’t want to get caught

i mean and then you know

they probably

pulled the guy who got caught aside and go

silly bitch you know why

you trying to convince kids to suck your dick there’s

plenty kids will suck your dick you don’t have to

you have to

force them down you don’t have to rape them

i still struggle

today with the fact of like

wanting to believe

that the the

church is what is perfect and good in the world

like cause that was such a big part of how i was raised

to facing the reality

of what it has become

wow it still bugs you it

still bothers me yeah wow

well because it

essentially is like being like

especially being betrayed by like a best friend

right right family member

yeah family it’s like but it’s like a horrible betrayal

yeah where like something you can’t even fathom

you know that’s

what it feels like to me like even though i wasn’t ever

super religious

it was that they ruined

the place that i thought was the safe

haven in the

world you know

the amazing

thing is that

no one prosecutes them

and internationally

these guys could

travel back and forth and no one

treats them as sex criminals

like ratzinger

the current pope

that guy has actively

sought to shield

child molesters from prosecution

it is hundred percent provable

when he was the whatever the fuck he was the

grand pooba

in arizona i

think he was

for new mexico i don’t know

where the fuck he was but he was

is there’s all these

papers and documents

showing that he’s moving

guys around and trying not to get them prosecuted

and they would just

pluck a pedophile

preacher out

and put him in a new

place where they can fuck his

it’s the absolute for me

and the way i feel it’s the

worst crime that a

human being

could do it’s one of them

is something to children like

to hurt children is yes

it’s so fucking

it’s such the most horrifying

thing you ruin someone’s life forever

and like that they were a

an organization that

basically was like

it was like it was like a hiring service for that

yeah it was like do you want to do that

that’s where they became

yeah it’s like

no sort of like a

scientology they

they say with

celebrities that they protect the celebrity

and they do

their pr and they

create like a public

persona for them and actively cultivated and work

it’s like one of the reasons why they’ve

been accused of having

a bunch of gay celebrities and you

know setting them

up and making it look like they’re straight and then

aggressively going

after anybody who questions it yeah yeah yeah exactly

basically this

is what the catholic church did they’re pedophiles

and this the

thing is that it’s not just the

idea the crime

the act of the physical

crime that was being committed but

the level of corruption

makes it that much worse

yeah it’s what’s really

scary is that no one’s done anything

about it i mean

besides individual preachers

and priests getting caught and arrested

no one’s done anything

about it on a big

level like no one’s ever like

audited the catholic church’s records

and said listen we need to find out what you have and

haven’t done and

and we’re gonna

start arresting some of you fucking freaks

like when ratzinger

i mean it’s been proven that the current pope

shielded child molesters why

is he allowed to

travel to america why isn’t he arrested

why don’t they pull him aside

i mean it doesn’t make any

sense he’s a fucking criminal that’s criminal behavior

if that guy was working for

donut world

you know and all of his

managers were bone in kids in the

bathrooms at

donut world

and then it was shown

that he was

shielding his

managers from

you know from

from being prosecuted that he

would go to jail he

wouldn’t be making donuts anymore

he definitely

wouldn’t be able to

travel from country to country

better have

donuts no richard dawkins

it was rick dawkins are hitchins

i don’t forget it

might have been christopher hitchens

they were you know

campaigning to have him arrested for

for fucking

crimes against humanity

campaigning to have him arrested for for

pedophilia you know for what the fuck he’s doing but

it’s horrible it’s the worst

thing you can do meanwhile they just fucking fly around

and you know i mean he travels

all over the

world there’s a

video of him

being entertained by these

shirtless male acrobats

it is one of the

creepiest gayest things

you see it was incredible the

pope and the gayest looking manscaped

waxed eyebrows dyed hair

weird gay looking guys

and they’re doing

their acrobatic bullshit in

front of him and he’s clapping with his

withered old finger fucking kid hands

they all look they’re all like gymnasts

they have on like the

weird gymnast

pants and their

shirtless tights

yeah and they have and they’re

shirtless with like just like wrist tape

and after like

every moment they

would kind of pose

look like they were kind of flex like they were

saying i feel

and they would kind of like look at a mirror and

smile at them

and it’s the fucking

you feel violated

because like it’s like they’re looking at you

and it’s but

it’s it’s it’s like a team of

of weird uh

gay aggravation is coming at you like they’re

about to do something

to you it’s creepy as shit

it’s so creepy it’s creepy

it’s amazing

how much he looks like that bad guy from star wars

the old guy

have you ever seen the

comparisons online the

photos no it’s hilarious dude

there’s like

him with his

goofy ass robe on

that is one of the

weirdest things that nobody mocks the outfit

i know with this

stupid fucking fish head hat

like whatever that

thing is looks like a fish with its mouth open

yeah why don’t you why don’t

just a point

where tradition just

becomes you know what that’s too old of a tradition

let’s switch it up

yeah all their bishop outfits

their car they

should just

change it to like

starter jackets

they just go to like a later era

but all have the same

thing like we all

run starter jackets

starter jackets from like the 1920s red sox

yeah fucking

vatican style

that’s hilarious with a big v on the back

v for vatican just do that for the next

eight hundred years and then they will adopt

a new thing

right if you’re really

connected to god does it matter what you’re wearing

you know i mean that does that mean that seems to be

completely silly yeah

like why would you have to wear a

stupid outfit

that’s why i’ve always goofed on monks

like no they don’t have it together

if you have it together why

would you be wearing that goddamn bathrobe

everywhere that’s the most

ridiculous shit ever yeah

and here’s the

thing if you’re not wearing that

are your beliefs gone or something no

you can wear whatever you want

like it’s silly to

think that like just because you have the add on

well i also

think i think

people have a big difficulty in being

trapped by certain

things in life

whether it’s

material possessions or relationships or whatever but

it doesn’t mean that you

should be a monk and avoid

everything because

you can’t handle it because that’s what they’re doing

it’s like they’re

missing out on some of the most amazing parts of life


you don’t have a

sexual relationship

with someone you don’t have children

you you’re committed to a life of abstinence

and you think you got your shit together that’s


stupid that’s

you’re just doing a workaround for the shit

about being a

human that you can’t manage and handle

you can’t handle material possessions you can’t handle

competition you can’t handle sexual

behavior you can’t handle relationships

so what are you

gonna do you gonna

dress like a fucking pop tart and live in a in a

house with a

bunch of other weirdos

you know yeah i mean

but some of

them are like i feel like there are a few people

that are made to just have

almost like

lives of just

ultimate like

eternal goodness like yeah

they’re just

super good people and

i think some of them go to that yes but i do feel like

a lot of people use um

any lifestyle choice that is extreme

you’re going to that

because you’re trying to escape something

yes i think there’s a lot of people

to escape to

i think some are just on a

search summer are

searching for

you know the answers and they’re trying to

you know separate themselves from some of the

worldly vices that have controlled them and

made their their life a mess

you know i i kind of see that

but i just see for so many of them it just seems like

it’s such a

silly way to fucking live you know

it’s like you’re missing out on all the fun man

yeah you’re missing out on joy

do you have to

you know do you have to miss out on the fun

does it have to be that way you know

i have a friend that became a monk

really yeah a real live monk man

moved to a monastery and

everything my friend joe diggs

joe diggs was a taekwondo guy that i used to train with

and this is back when i was a young kid

and he used to get

real nervous

about fighting

about fighting in tournaments and real nervous

about sparring days

you know sparring is fucking dangerous man you know

you’re throwing kicks at each

other and guys get knocked out all the time

we would we would always have guys would always get

knocked out in class it would happen all the time

it’s scary you know your friends

would get kicked in the head right in

front of you and dropped

so he had a lot of anxiety

about sparring

and what he decided to do was um

start meditating

so he really got into transcendental

meditation and different types of

meditation and started studying buddhism and

and then he

started going to

a monastery

to learn meditation and

he decided to give up his life and join the monastery

did he give up

everything give up his material possessions

he had certain

tasks that he was supposed to do at the monastery

like cleaning and and

and different

things that he had to do

and he was given a zen

cone to try to

meditate on

you know it’s like the

sound of one hand clapping

you know one of

those type of things

you know what those are

like it’s like a riddle that you really can’t answer

yeah you know and it was something like a

a cow says moo

or something like that was like really

something like

completely bizarre like i remember him

telling me what

this question was that he was supposed to contemplate

until he achieved enlightenment

i was like wow this is the

weirdest thing ever

but this was a guy that genuinely

like embraced the idea of

giving up his material life and really

really studying

the mind and disciplining himself and exploring

his his internal consciousness

you know he really he was a guy that was

probably like in his late thirties when this

this happened

to him and he was a little disillusioned by

life out there

in the workplace and and what he was doing

and so this is like

a real opportunity

for him to not live like everybody else

so he went into it man

he went right into it is he happy

i don’t know because i

never stayed

close with him

you know he’s just a guy that

i knew from back then and i you know we went out to

lunch a couple times

after he became a monk and

and he was only eating vegetables

you know he had

you know become

completely vegetarian

and he was saying

that he liked it didn’t like the no sex part

didn’t like that yeah

that was kind of

freaky to him

you know but he kind of

understood that

your relationships can get in the way of your

meditation and your work

you meditate

eight hours a day man

that’s incredible yeah

that’s really incredible

yeah how weird huh yeah

what it’s just it’s such an extreme

thing to do oh

it’s really like going

it’s as extreme as going

the opposite direction i mean like

we let everything just

go to shit and you live like a fucking lunatic and yeah

parting all the time

right that’s an extreme yeah

so is meditating

eight hours that’s extreme

thing to do yeah i don’t know

it seems like it’s

i mean i know people do it

they claim to be

happy but it just seems like it’s so out of

balance i always feel like they don’t have good friends

it’s like you’re missing out on all the fun

stuff right

it’s like why

would you want to

i mean i guess do whatever the fuck that makes you

happy and everyone’s got

their own makeup and everyone’s different

everyone’s got

their own structure

you know that you know they

appreciate different

things i get all that

but i just feel like

should be having fun

man this life is fun

if you have a

bunch of cool

friends and you go do fun shit you can have a

great goddamn time and

the laughter and the heightened

experience is like

something to be

enjoyed you know there’s a lot of

things that are enjoyable

about this life

and i think

so many people get

alienated from

those things by work

and by obligation by

debt by you

know all these

things that

they’re forced to do that they don’t like to do

and they forget that

if you didn’t have this if you just like

you know i’m not trying to rub this in but

they’ll be living the life of a comedian

all you’re doing is you’re

traveling from one

place to the next

where you meet a

bunch of people are

excited to see you and you’re

gonna make them laugh

and everyone’s

gonna have fun you’re

gonna laugh

about shit and you

there really is no inappropriate in your

vernacular or vocabulary because

nothing’s inappropriate to you it’s all

just thinking about life

so it’s like

you live this fucking

great existence man

every now and then i’ll fucking

sit down i’ll talk to some dude is an accountant

or has some

other fucking job and

you realize how

rough it is

if you have to be a part of the normal system

if you have to be

stuck in the normal grind man

it fucking sucks

it’s soul stealing shit man

it’s what depressed me man

yeah what you do

i mean i had a

bunch of jobs and

everything that was

you know having an office job was

depressing to me

i mean i worked from college i was

worked as a

like as a marketing

like you know

employee at a company that made grocery cards

that was a job

selling knives so cut code knives one time damn

that was in college i did uh

i worked in

post production for a long time on shows just

you know scheduling stuff and

it’s just fucking it’s

being in that that nine to five mode

was depressing

it is it was a horrible thing

i just hated the hierarchy that all of it

fucking really most people’s reality

horrible i avoided so much of it i had

some nine to five gigs but most of it was construction

so it wasn’t really nine to

five it was you know

seven or three or something like that and

most of it was

you know part time stuff

or not part time but you know temporary

where i do it for a couple

months and i quit and go do something else

because i could i just couldn’t take it

i did my best

to try to you know

figure out a

way to make a living outside of that so i was

doing like i was delivering newspapers in the morning

because that was only a few

hours every morning it was

seven days a week

but it was only a few

hours except on

sunday was a big day

but i was like okay well i can make some

money this way and then let me add some little

thing in the

the daytime i

started driving cars in the daytime

doing limo driving that was only like a few days a week

so i was like well this is good so now i’m sort

of working full time i’m really working for at 40 hours

but it’s not all in the same

place so it’s not driving me nuts yeah

and it’s not

doing anything

where i had constantly have to be around a boss

or constantly have to be in an office

you know when

i was delivering newspapers i was in my car

and when i was

driving limos you know you’re

picking people up the airports all kinds of different

folks you’re interacting with it’s

it was way better than you know being

stuck in an office i

think if i couldn’t do this and i had to get a real job

again i would actually do construction i did

a construction

when i was in high

school would you really

i hate the office that much where

i actually feel like

instruction is some shit is

really more rewarding work really

i it was the hardest

stuff it was in the summers

florida and i was in high school

but at the end of the day

i felt better

about myself and was happier than

any office job that i had

wow i would rather be

sweating and sore

being in the office wow

yeah i did a lot of gigs

when i was a kid when i was in high school

my dad was an architect growing up and so

he got me jobs

on construction sites doing a lot of

laboring did some

you know like some summers

i would do laboring and then i did like some carpentry


stuff we did was an architect yeah yeah

so i was always

around construction sites i did a lot of them but

the hardest one i ever had i was working with my friend

jimmy he got me this job on the crew that he worked on

and they were

it was a small

crew a family owned crew and they made you work hard

it was a look

if you working in a big

group of you know

twenty thirty guys

and people slack off a little

but when it’s like

you and two other guys

and the boss

like man you got a fucking work man and all summer long

we built a wheelchair ramp at a

nights of columbus hall and

and somewhere in massachusetts

and i had to

carry bags of cement

and pressure

treated lumber all day

that was the day

it was fucking brutal

you know cements like

fifty pounds

every time you’re

carrying fifty

pound bag cement

and these big

giant pressure

treated lumbers

and you would get

those pressure

treated lumber splinters

where it says

toxic fucking

shit that they use to make this wood

like so it doesn’t ever rot

like pressure

treated lumber you can make decks out of it you

could make you can have anything that’s exposed you

could rain on it all day it’s not

gonna go away

cause it’s literally

saturated with

toxic fucking

oil or whatever the hell they use to make it pressure

treated and it’s

heavy as shit

and we just

carrying that

stuff around all day for a

whole summer that’s fucking that’s

great though it was

great for me it was a very important week uh summer

i think i think i did it for a few weeks

it was only like

maybe two or

three weeks i don’t really remember

but i remember that it was so brutally hard

and it was so

ridiculously like taxing

at the end of the day i

would go work out

i would go to the gym and try to hit the bag

i had nothing and i was

still fighting at the time too

so i knew i couldn’t compete while

i had this job there was no way i couldn’t train

i would i was so

tired i would go and i was

stupid back then so i didn’t hydrate myself correctly

i didn’t drink enough

water and i didn’t

take care of my

nutrition i

would eat like you

know ham sandwiches and shit and you know no vitamins

and you know you do that for a long enough and

your body just gets taxed it’s not good for you yeah

but it taught me a huge lesson

i don’t think anybody who’s

never been through a job like that

where you are

spent at the end of

every day can’t wait for friday saturday

flies by sunday

you’re clinging

onto it like a kitten hanging on a curtain

next thing you know

monday morning

six thirty that

alarm clock goes off man and it really

should go off at six

cause you gotta be there at

seven so you’re always

gonna be like five minutes late

and it’s death

but if you haven’t been through that and then

gotten that measly fucking

check at the end of the week for that

you’re like whoa

this is what all my time and effort is

worth like the

system the way it’s set up

today for people who work

like what you have to do to work

to get a living out of

it doesn’t make any

sense your life is

worth way more than that

and that’s why i was

thinking even though i was

broke i was

thinking my life is

worth more than 500

for the whole week

because i can’t even spend this

cause i’m goddamn exhausted i mean i’m

gonna spend it on bills and you know

lights and electricity

and fucking gas and all that shit but

it’s like you can’t even

enjoy it is what i

should say it’s like

it’s all just

it’s such a

giant weight on you and

some people man that weight stays on them till they die

that’s why people

who haven’t done that

are not as good at

human beings too

it makes you a better

human being yes

you have had that

experience like to

one time had to do

hard physical

shit yes make a living makes you a better person

i think it makes you humble i think

it’s easy to get cocky if you had a bunch of

success but

no matter what

success i’ve

ever had in my life i remember delivering newspapers

i remember getting up at

three o’clock in the morning on

sunday morning sometimes i

just stayed up saturday night

because it was so

ridiculous i just

drank a bunch of

coffee and then just went down there and waited for the

papers to come in

because i had to you know

carry these big bundles and newspapers all day and

stack them and toss them out i would

regularly go till 9 10 in the morning sometimes noon

if the paper was extra big

like sometimes they have a

bunch of inserts yet and you couldn’t

carry them all in one load

so i would go out

i would do fifty

houses and they

would come back and do

another fit and i keep doing it over and over and over

again was fucking ridiculous

i bought a van for it and filled up this shitty van the

whole back of it filled it up with newspapers

i’ll never forget that man

worship the hardest

should be to do that summer

were dig ditches

and put tile down

on like twenty one

bedroom units

in the in the summer

in florida who

no ac so you’d be

on the ground laying tile

and the grout

and then you know it

would take out and you

would just cook in

these one bedroom

no air conditioned units

baking them

and then the dig in the ditch

you would dig ditches for this guy

and everybody

would come by

and be like you can’t have ditches in florida

they’re gonna flood man

like there’s no such

thing as a ditch

he would just be like you just keep digging them dishes

man like he

would just make

big ditches that like

they were never

gonna be used like they

would have to be

flooded what yeah

it was just like the craziest thing and

man it would take

everything out of you

it was almost

like we were just digging him for his amusement

that’s crazy it

would kill you man it would kill you with

these things and it would

and lay the tile

man i have so much

that job made me appreciate

every time for the rest of my life

when i walk in a room and i see tile

i think of that every single time i see

i just think of being on these

laying tile

scrape and grout

scrape and grout

in a room that’s a hundred and thirty degrees

is dripping

sweat wow that’s crazy because i never think of that

yeah every time

every time i’ve

gone to a bathroom i just said well there’s some tile

that’s funny i didn’t have that connection

one of the few

things i didn’t do but i did do

i installed

in installation

insulation in attics

in the summertime in boston

it was goddamn brutal work because

yeah you’re up in the attic and you’re installing this

insulation and the

insulation is that foam

or that rather

fiberglass pink stuff

and it gets in your pores man it gets in your

mouth it gets in your skin it gets in your eyes

yeah you’re laying

it down and you have like a mask on a mask on your face

but it still gets in your eyes

and it gets in your skin

and you can’t wash it out

like you’re washing it but you’re

still itchy

then you’d be sitting around

on the couch

after you’d done

work and you’re out of the shower and you’re still like

tingling and itchy and scratchy and

and by the way

you know that shit

sure some particles

get past your mask and get in your fucking

mouth a hundred percent they get in your in your

stomach you have like a physical reaction when you see

insulation no but i remember

you know i look at it and i go out there’s

i know what that

stuff’s like

i know somebody got to go through some shit

i did that a

bunch of times

at a bunch of the gigs you know

cause there was

you know those gigs were

labor jobs and that’s what you do you roll that

insulation you be a mindless

moron and roll that

insulation out

so you have to

carry these bundles

up the stairs into the attic

so you’re like you know it’s leaning

against your neck and your face

and then you’re

bringing it up there and then

popping open the top of it and unrolling it

and it’s hot as fuck and you’re

sweating and

there was a guy that i worked with

it was one gig that i got my friend

leroy got me this gig him and his friend

henry had this

they had their own construction company and they were

renovating these terrible buildings in dorchester

dorchester’s a real shit neighborhood in boston

and there was this one guy that i worked with

that had a mountain dew bottle

a big two liter mountain dew bottle

filled with beer

and he would just drink it all day he was just hammer

all the time and shaking his hands were always shaking

and the guy just

judge was just drunk all day and they would laugh

about it like that this guy’s always drunk

like they knew what he did

and he lived in this house while we were renovating it

he had like i mean it was

the place was like

all exposed walls and

wires hanging everywhere and

staircases and no electricity except

one jury rigged room that he had on the third

floor where he was living

and he had a bed set up there and

you know and the guy

would just be up there just getting fucked up trying to

hide from life

drinking this big fucking

piss warm bottle of of

you know old english

that’s just giving up all the way it’s crazy

oh just you want it just to be over at that point

to me it was fascinating

though i always wanted to be around him as much as i

could i tried to

to be around him all the time

just so just

as a character just try to pay attention to him

because he’s so odd

you know when i was

this is at the time i was eighteen or nineteen

and i remember i was just

thinking how

how does one become this guy this was

someone’s child

this was some a boy at one

point in time this is how he developed this is here

here he is a

thirty plus year old man and how

old he was but

just hammered

every single day

don’t you when

you see someone you meet somebody that you go

and they’re all they’re fucked up like that you go

well everything

definitely wasn’t

a okay in that

house bro you don’t

end up like that if if

things were totally normal at home

i kind of believe that when i meet people that are

fucked up that yet that there was some

serious trauma or at

least perceived from

there has to be

and you know then there’s also the genetic

stuff as far as like addiction

you know because some people are much more prone

physically to being addicted to

things yeah i don’t know what that’s all

about i don’t have that

so i don’t understand it

but i do have a mental addiction issue

i have a severe mental addiction

issue with everything

i can get addicted to anything

i can get addicted to anything that’s fun

whether it’s a game or a sport or

a martial art

when i start getting into

things i become obsessed

really yeah

completely obsessed

when i first

started playing pool

eight ten hours a day

when i first

started doing martial arts

i would train

in taekwondo

three four hours a day but

that’s all i

could get in

i literally couldn’t

train anymore because my body wouldn’t

allow me to i

would be exhausted

when i started playing

video games same

thing eight ten

hours a day

i just get obsessed

of all the ones you

mentioned i do remember the one that involves sitting

video games yeah

well there’s some of the most

addictive things

no thank you

powerful they

offer cookies she comes over with an apron

like your mom amazing

but it could be

pussy too pussy’s just as easy to get addicted to

you know there’s been many times in my life

where you know

trying to you know

juggle as many

chicks as possible

thinking what the fuck am i doing like this isn’t even

i don’t even want to do this

this is like

an obsession it’s just i’m being compelled to do this

because i’m on a

you know i’m on this

weird path you know this

weird path is

you know trying to get laid

you know and i have friends that

still do that you know i have friends that just

become obsessed

with pussy to the

point where

they can’t even have a good time because all they’re

thinking about is trying to get laid

it’s always

mean i’m like you can’t be this horny

like powerful

thing man we’ve all done

stupid shit to get laid yeah

yeah and once they become

successful at it

then it’s like all of a

sudden like oh okay i’ve got this

thing wired

i’m fucking everybody it’s

almost like they’re making up for all the lost time

where they were trying

where it was

the guys that i know that became

successful later in life

and girls found them

attractive later in life

those are the guys that are the most sick with it

yeah yeah for sure

guys who got laid when they were younger

they seem to be over it

they could relax

or some of them can

right now but it’s a

super common addiction to men you know

especially if

it took a really long like a really long time

yeah you know some guys

really are like

a lot of people out there probably didn’t even

start getting laid

the thirties and

stuff yeah we

think it’s more rare

right than it is and

that guy realizes

this is what i was missing out on yeah

he wants to make

that he wants to make up for that forever yeah you know

so it’s easy to become the addiction forever

see the only

difference though the addictions that we just talked

about all of them

are fun as fuck

that’s the difference

i get addicted to

things that are fun

i got martial

arts it’s fun man

being able to

perform you know martial arts being able to

kick somebody in the head or

choke somebody


that’s some wild

fucking bruce lee

movie shit man to actually be able to do that

that’s fun man

jiu jitsu is not fun when you

first start

cause you get mauled a lot

yeah that’s what

keeps me from even fucking trying yeah but that’s why

it keeps people out it’s hard to do i don’t

want to get involved that’s why it’s so fun when you

first learn how to do it well now

what they have a lot

of now that they didn’t have then was beginner classes

like when i

was a beginner there was this one kid that i used to

spar with and

it’s very good that this happened to me because

it made me really

appreciate jiu jitsu

this is one

brazilian kid who used to

choke the fucking

shit out of me this guy stopped

manhand on me

every time we

trained he was ruthless too

he didn’t he wasn’t nice to me at all because we’re

basically like the same age

you know so it was you were both young

men and he was just getting

off on the fact that even though we were the same size

he could just beat my ass

and he would

man handle me dude

and it made me really appreciate

like how little i knew

about jujitsu

because i was coming from a place

in kickboxing and in

you know doing muay

thai and doing taekwondo

then i was like really confident with my stand up

like i would

stand i would

spar with anybody

i was real confident with what i was able to do

so i felt like i

could handle myself

against someone my size

but then here

this is guy who’s my size who’s just raping me

just ragdolling me and just

choking the shit out of me and i was like wow

this is this is some

stuff that i need to

learn like it really made me obsessed with jiu jitsu

well that and

yeah that it

definitely helped

that one guy giving me beatings helped

cause i’m one of

those dudes that

i get obsessed with something because

you know something has to

go off inside my head

to make me obsessed

about it and my obsession was

i wanna be able to do to somebody what this guy can

do to me because that’s incredible i can’t do that now

and then it

made me feel helpless too because i was like wow

if this guy was

this was like a

street fight

and this guy wanted to beat my ass like man i

would be really helpless

against him

that’s which is a terrible feeling

and especially

when it’s an

alien feeling when your

whole life you’ve been a martial arts

expert and now you

realize like oh no you’re not this there’s a whole new

thing that you don’t even know

so i became obsessed with

jiu jitsu that way but

i kept that

under control

mostly because of injuries when i

first started doing it i had a bad meniscus tear

it’s called a bucket handle tear

where it would lock out on me

and when it would

it would it

would lock in

place and was like

super painful man

was really bad and it happened like

every couple of weeks

and so that kept me from getting like too obsessed with

jiu jitsu when i

first got into it

but man like pool

the opposite happened i was injured so

i couldn’t do taekwondo when i got obsessed with pool

and i started playing and i’ve

watched these guys play that were really good

and i just remember

thinking how fuck is it possible

to not miss for a whole game

you know what i mean like you got ran out the

whole table and i became obsessed with it

but had to be able

to do that had to be able to had to be able to run out

well it wouldn’t be happy

until i figured out how to

how to break and run out

but that’s just you know

that’s a fun thing

get good at pool

to be able to

break and run out

um it took a couple of years

i think couple

years i know

i think it took probably two years

of me like really playing all the time

before i could consistently

break it around out that takes real discipline

or obsession

obsession yeah

at least that discipline though

yeah the discipline

is really i’ve always had a

weird discipline

i have much more discipline

for things now as

a grown man

than i did when i was

young when i was

young i had

very little discipline but i had a lot of obsession

being a father contributed

to that yeah

yeah you feel like you have more responsibilities

also i understand that with discipline

comes reward

you know that you know you

appreciate things

that you do and manifest and create because

you had to work hard to do them

because you

force yourself to work when you

didn’t want to you like well look i didn’t want to work

but bam look what happened

because of that i got this now i accomplished that i

wrote that you know there it is it’s the

truth the proof that

you have to discipline yourself

because when i was young

um like like with

taekwondo and

those things i i was only was only

about obsession

like my discipline

was not good i was not a disciplined

person i didn’t

wanna do a bunch of

stuff that wasn’t fun

but i was so obsessed with getting better at martial

arts that it was easy to look disciplined

i got you you know i’m saying

yeah absolutely

but it was all fun to me so it wasn’t really discipline

i was obsessed

you know there’s a difference

as you get older you

understand the the rewards of discipline

that it’s a good

thing to and it’s good to also

have a certain

amount of control at all times over your impulses

and i didn’t have any of that when i was young

i was very impulsive

it was so wild

motherfucker you know i was barely raised my parents

were barely around when i was a kid

so yeah i grew up doing wild shit and they

never had a fucking clue they didn’t know anything

so i was completely impulsive

you know by the time i had

graduated high

school and then was out on my own

living with my friends

you know by

the time yeah

but i was like 20 or something like that when i

first moved out

when i was living with my friends

we were a bunch of

savages i was living with

these other guys that i did taekwondo with

and we’re just

fucking wild animals that somehow or another had

escaped from the nest and we’re trying to really

yeah live like

grown ups we were like pretending to be grown ups

what made you more discipline

like you needed to get

even better results so you’re like i need to become

more discipline

that kind of thing

that’s part of it yeah

about writing

and really nila realized

the discipline really

came into play with my writing

like sometimes i didn’t feel like writing

but you have to

write even if you’re not

if you’re a professional comic man

you have to

write like my i have friends that are

professional comments don’t actually sit down and write

and i’m like you’re selling yourself

short like all

right on stage

i’m like yeah i do too

but you got a

right you gotta sit down and you got a

right cause if you don’t

you you’re gonna have less ideas you’re

gonna have less

things that you’ve considered you’re

gonna have less topics to explore

you know and i talked to a

buddy who just

writes in the car he

never writes

but he just

drives around his car and comes up with ideas i’m like

all right that’s a method too

but you really

should write

because when you actually sit down and

write something whether it’s

a pen to a piece of

paper or whether it’s writing in

front of a computer

it takes like

the word strategy

well it takes

much longer to

write the word strategy than it does to consider

the concept of strategy

so while you’re writing it

you’re putting more thought and more consideration into

things you open more doors when you

write it down

for sure sure for sure

and you you know you

you consider

things more deeply and more carefully and you can

go back and edit them and read them and say

hmm do i like

how this came out do i like how i’m saying this

maybe i should say it like this or

maybe i should be

clear about that or

you know it’s like you have to

write man you have to it’s part of your job

and for a long time i didn’t

when i was on newsradio i didn’t

write at all

if there was like two years

where i never

wrote a fucking joke

really yeah i didn’t

write shit i was on a sitcom

and i was working all day on the sitcom

especially in the beginning it was long ass

hours what are you

still doing

stand up yeah but

i was half assing it

i was going

up and i was doing the material that i did for years

that i’d already

written for years and i had very very little new things

every now and then i have like a

new tagline or something that came up within the moment

but it was probably

the most uninspired period of my comedy ever

was between ninety four

and like ninety six ninety seven

really yeah

that’s when i

first got on sitcom on newsradio

what made you

start writing i bombed once in

front of some writers

did not have a good set

of a couple of the writers from

news radio came

and i had always

felt like when i was doing like a sitcom

especially when i was doing news radio

i always felt like a little bit of a fraud

i always felt like you know i mean even though

i was funny and i

would deliver the lines and get big

laughs and everything like that

i still felt like

like how the hell did i get us on

television like this is ridiculous

i’m on some nbc sitcom like i’m just some loser

you know like that i didn’t feel like i deserved it

you know i felt very

very much like i was faking being an actor

like i had never had done any acting

classes i took a few

private acting

classes when i

first got my development deal with disney

but that was

because they wanted me to do it they forced me to do it

and it was also

but i already

had the development deal you know it was just

like they wanted me to get some

coaching and

when i did it i did it with this lady

who’s like this failed actress

was really gross

she’s just like she was

gross i didn’t i didn’t like her i didn’t she

and she was

trying to get a job on the show that i was on

trying to get me to hire her

to play my mom

and i was like it was real creepy

so i felt i always felt like

kind of a little bit of a fraud

and then i had

these guys come to see me

and you know they were good writers man

these guys are from fucking harvard

and i was up real late

at the comedy

store it was a late

night spot and it was

a lot of people have been up and there

was almost no one in the audience left when i got on

stage it was a very

small crowd

i had very little energy

and i was nervous that they were

watching me and i ate dick

and i remember

thinking about it

after i had this really shitty

set really mediocre set

i remember thinking i was really embarrassed very

disappointed with myself

and like the fuck man i

gotta i gotta get back to work

and i started writing

again and then

a couple years

later i put out my

album my first

album i’m gonna be dead someday and it was really good

it was still to this day well listen to that and you

know it’s not

i would deliver it differently now

i got more skillful with my delivery and my

setups and i

might have reworded

things and i probably would have

done some editing and make some of the jokes tighter

but i’m still real pleased with it it was a real good

cd and it probably

wouldn’t if

i didn’t have that one set that really embarrassed me

that made me go to work

made you humble yeah

yeah well maybe

aware that i was

slacking off it wasn’t that

i was like oh i’m the best i don’t have to work at it

it was really that was just

living off of this sitcom

thing and you know i was having this

success being on

television and i took for

granted what got me to the dance

yeah you know

stand up is

so it’s a very rare

thing man and it’s a

trance that you put that audience in

and you have to

you have to practice that

trance on a regular basis you have to

get into that groove

cause we’re talking about

we’re recording this on an iphone

and it’s the coolest fucking

thing that you can just do this

cause it sounds pretty good and when

i showed it to tom there’s a

thing called

voice memos

and voice memos is what i use to record all my sets

this bitch cock

blocking mine

fucking podcast and

this voice memo

thing i record all my sets on

so i can always listen

like right before i’m

about to go on stage

and then it puts me sort of like deeper into trance

it makes me

more smooth when i go on

stage it’s like

the more you do comedy

the better you are comedy the more you get into that

groove and the more you listen to yourself do comedy

also the better you get into that groove

and by the way how high are you

right now tommy

cause you look like you’re about to

pull one of

these emergency exit doors open and fucking leave

straight blazed

we started this podcast

about an hour and i’ll tell you right now

an hour and 30 something minutes ago how long

yeah yeah we’ve been doing this for over an hour

yeah and in that time i’ve watched tommy go from sober

and just a little happy

i’m ripped to gone

right now he’s

considering the

first girl he fingered when he’s in the seventh grade

how he probably should have called her and

now she has children and she still probably thinks

about him when

some guy fingers her

right what are you thinking

about right now what are you considering

climbing up rainbows right now

looking for pots of gold

i’m having all

kinds of shit run through my head yeah like what

takes me a second to

process what we’re talking about

as much as i

try to check myself on

a regular basis and be real objective with how i behave

and you know and be you know real oh

i’m sorry to cut you off but

something has hit me but

when you’re talking about

all that stuff

about when you are not writing

as much yeah

like i’m having all that

but as you say i

start to just criticize myself

wow so listening to you

triggered like

like you know you should

write more you

should do more you should

yeah try more you know just being very

critical of

what i’m currently doing yeah

that’s what it is

i think we all need that you know i need to hear you

about you writing like i

wrote last night for five

hours like oh shit i

gotta write you know like i

think we all need that you know

whenever i like

brian was telling me that dave chappelle did a set last

night somewhere in hollywood

and i remember the last time i saw chappelle

he was really

funny it was a really good set too

and i remember

after i saw him i was like man i want to go home and

write like fuck like that was really good comedy like

i saw that i thought

about that last time i saw katt williams to sort of

one of katt

williams specials and i went man i feel like writing

right now i got feel

i feel juiced

up you know i feel that also like totally always

inspired by comments yeah and then also i just was

at a job last few weeks writing on a pilot and

i was on the

road when i got i was hired so i i was got hired

i went out of town

and they were like we

still need you to ride from the road

and at the end of the week

i’ve been riding

like 10 12 hours a day

for them and i was like

look how much like work i got done

on the road

where so many times i just do nothing

just beat off and

watch tv right

that’s it just jerk off

and eat shit

do that for like weeks at a time

but i got so much work done

that week when i was being hired to do it i was like

man i waste a lot of fucking time

could be doing this for myself yeah why why

would i not like

i was doing

twelve hours a day yeah

riding on the road

yeah because

i was being paid to do it i was like man there’s

there’s just too much i mean i

could at least do a fraction of it

yes yeah i could do a fraction of that

i got so much done

yeah it feels

great to doesn’t it i felt

i felt great

and then i felt like fucking shit for like having i

started running through my mind

about how much time i wasted right

yeah i do the

exact same thing i

committed myself

to a project the last time i was taping my

special and i’m

going to do the same

thing this time

of the last 30 days of the special

before i special

from 30 days out to the day i do it

i just write a new blog post every day

so i was in

front of the computer

every day for six

seven hours

eight hours whatever it took

to bang out a blog post i mean occasionally they were

shorter when

life got in the way but i committed to putting one out

every day and i

wrote it i called it day one day two

and then i started naming them

but i wrote some of my best

stuff from that man

the open letter to kellogg’s

that was a blog that like a million people read

you know i wrote a letter to

kellogg’s after they

got rid of michael phelps

after they fired him as a


but i wrote that as an

exercise it was like i had committed myself to writing

every day for 30 days

and when you do that it’s like

sometimes i’ll sit in

front of my computer for fucking

four five hours

and all i’m doing is looking at

videos of dudes getting

their heads cut off

and oh look

at this pool cue that’s for sale wow that’s really nice

and oh here’s another

video on a porsche

gt three going around a racetrack

and now here’s

a documentary on quantum mechanics and you know what

what entanglement really means and

by the end of the

night i’m like

did i get anything done i was supposed to sit down and

write you know

oh so easy to do that i mean

you should do some research and some looking at

stuff but god damn you got to do a lot of writing too

yeah it’s got to be

what it is it’s a

total flip of that balance

it’s got to be

where you are writing

as much as you were fucking around yeah you fuck around

as much as you used to

write so you just use the fucking around as a break

and that’s i

think a normal healthy practice

yeah but you got it

it’s so easy when you’re

on the road to justify it too yeah that’s the part

fucked up is

like i’m traveling

traveling i’m tired

tired’s a huge one yeah because

it’s very easy to just be

tired the whole time

well i write a lot on

planes i write some of my best stuff

when i’m on a plane

and it’s because

i’m forced to sit in the seat i can’t go anywhere and

before they had wi fi

on the plane

which they do on this flight this flight is wi fi these


they’re trying to

tempt us with the dark side but we’ve

avoided them by

being productive and making a goddamn podcast what what

but yeah i mean i

would write some of my best shit because i

would actually

be forced to do it i’m just sitting down there

you know it’s a

great thing i love when i

write something too that’s really good

when i was gonna fuck off

you know like it feels better

on the way back to australia i

wrote this great bit

i wrote this great

piece that i’m working on

right now and

after i got done looking i was like yes

like i just

fucking made that happen i sat down

that releases adrenaline yeah yeah

i felt so satisfied i felt like

i just you know it’s like

the relationship between i mean it really

ultimately is

i created something that someone’s

gonna enjoy that’s the real charge that’s

where it’s coming from

but it’s also

you’re tricking yourself

into making

things that people gonna

enjoy saying

these people

gonna think i’m the shit you know and then

you know you create this knowing that you’re

gonna crush in

front of that

audience you know when you deliver that bit

you know it’s like

the motivation

it’s it’s like it’s like there’s a lot of

trickery going on there’s a lot of different

things that are

tugging at yourself

both healthy and unhealthy as to why you create things

you know there’s nothing like when you

wrote something and you can just

you can hear yourself saying it and it just like that

it’s the ultimate


and it crushes

oh i got this new line man oh

i remember when i wrote it i

wrote it and i looked down at the keyboard i’m like

i got this like this one just came

and then i went up that

night in brea

and did it and it destroyed

it came out of my mouth

absolutely perfect it was one of

those rare lines

where as you

write it you

write it exactly as you’re

gonna say it

most of the

times it’s not how the most of times i have concepts

and i write out the concept and i get way too

verbose cause really what i’m considering is

i’m just writing i

write in long form like as a blog entry

and then out of the blogs that’s when i pick like

little gems that become bits and figure out how to do

them but this one wasn’t

like that this one was just one an idea that i had

that what was straight up a joke

right out of the gate

and as soon as i said it on

stage it was perfect

i didn’t need to

tweak it i don’t need to do a

thing to it

it just destroyed and i was like wow look at that man

it’s just such a satisfying feeling

it’s like you acted as an antenna

and the universe

jolted this idea into your

brain and you

wrote it down because that’s what you have to

do if you want to be good at it and then you went up on

stage and delivered it

and you know

there’s a thousand

people there to see you and they all went fucking

crazy hearing it

ah it’s so fun man

i would never want to be

there’s nothing i

would rather do

in life than be a comedian

nothing i’ve

never thought for

i’ve done other

things because they offered me money

like fear factor and

even the ufc i mean i love working for the

ufc i never

don’t look forward to

fights even

fights like

ultimate fighter finales

where a lot of people don’t know who the guys are

fighting i know who they are

i look forward to

every one of them i fucking love it man

but if i had to choose

between that and

never doing

stand up again it

wouldn’t even be a choice it’d be like

i could always watch the

fights i would i

would enjoy the

fights more

if i was watching them

you know if i was

standing at home and stephen bonner was doing it or

kenny florian was doing my job

i would enjoy it more

because first of all

those guys do a

great job and

second of all i just want to watch the

fight i don’t want to have to

elaborate and

explain and predict and call what this guy’s doing

wrong with this guy’s

i like i just want to

watch it i like

watching fights

about myself

you know like i

watch like the k one

fights and all

these and yeah at the most

every now and then i go all

look out for your neck

bitch get your neck down get out

you got them

actually more than

other people really

it’s fun though

on some nights though when a big

fight especially to have a bunch of buddies over

it’s fun but i like watching regular games

i like watching them alone

you do really

absolutely sometimes people want to talk too much

right or the games going on i mean

it all matters on which sports

or what level of entertainment to you

like the more that you’re into the sport

then it becomes just something like

it’s not that like you take it too seriously

but it’s like the game

or the sport has some

meaning to you yeah

and you really enjoy you got to be into it

you got to be focused on it and people

start talking about fucking bullshit i hate that girls

girls are terrible some guys are fucking

worse than girls

some guys just fucking like

just talking bullshit to you like you know we use

we knock off

like i just want to

watch the goddamn game i don’t

care about some

dudes just want to hear themselves talk they do

and they’re

uncomfortable they’re so uncomfortable with themselves

they have to make you uncomfortable too you know

they can’t be

silent you can’t do it man

you can’t do it there’s always got to be

noise to drown out that internal dialogue

yeah what do you

think about

those red sox there’s always

gotta be something

and a lot of times it’s a guy that wears a

class ring oh no

guys with class rings man they’re fucking

formula for

they are ridiculous fucks they are

totally you are a

silly fuck if you wear a class ring

there’s not a

whole lot of

generalizations that i almost

emphatically across the

board support

but that is one

tell you what if

if people who wore

class rings

were considered one race

i would be really racist

i would hate

the class ring race more than any

yeah those are the type of guys that

like stayed around the auto shop parking lot of high

school a couple years

after they graduated they’re

still coming back

big the chest

pounding guys

yeah a lot of

chest pounders who

chug it chug it chug it

those guys who want you to chug a beer

yep more shots

let’s get a couple more shots over here that

sounds like me

shots bring the party

it’s a douchey element yeah

you make the choice for the class ring and you’re

you’re opening yourself fucking out the

door man you’re out bundy without the jokes it’s

just in the shoes

you’re a real live out bundy

that is the truth

you know that guy ed o’neal

al bundy is a fucking black belt

jiu jitsu shut the fuck up

it’s legit dude

he’s a really cool guy man is a

super fucking talented actor yeah he’s very good

and it’s kind of

weird that he’s like type cast is out bundy

yeah but he’s made on that new show on

yeah yeah and he did a movie it’s been enough years

but for a long time he was stuck as al bundy you know

but he played that that that

that that caricature kind of became a joke

but it’s the best that is

a fucking amazing job show is brilliant

that show is brilliant yeah that was that’s an all time

great sitcom

no doubt about it

i talked to him i flew to

north carolina

once we just happened to be on the same flight

just happened to be sitting

right next to each other yeah

and talk to him the

whole flight over

about jujutsu

loves jujutsu

he’s a fiend

he’s really good

he’s a big guy too

probably strong as fuck really yeah man

al bundy’s no joke

and o’neal sorry

he’s you know

if he was calling me joe gorelli i’d be upset

but it’s not a lot of whole

like celebrities that get on the mat and

spar with just everybody and anybody

you know most guys don’t want to be embarrassed

when i first

started doing

jiu jitsu i took private lessons at

first for like

fuck man like two years

i wasted all this time only taking private lessons

because i didn’t know you got a role with a

bunch of different people to really get good

and then i became friends with eddie

i was a blue belt at the time

i really wasn’t good at all it was terrible

and then when i

started taking

classes with him he really

emphasized that

you have to

spar with other people you have to take

classes there’s no way to get

good without it

and i realized that as i

started rolling with better people

i started rolling

with different people i had no idea what i was doing

i had a couple moves

and i hadn’t faced enough of a variety of attacks

from different people

like you get used to a certain person’s game

like say if one guy has a game

where all he does is

shoots pulls

guard on you

and tries to

submit you off his back

well you’re

aware of that

so all you’re doing is trying to

stuff the guard all the time

stuff the guard and pass

stuff the guard and pass

whereas there’s another guy who always

tries to get on top

and so you’re like alright this

motherfucker’s trying to get on top of me

there’s no way i’m

gonna keep him off i’m

gonna hold him off

i know what he’s

gonna try to do he’s

never gonna pull

guard he’s always

gonna try to

get on top of me

and so you get accustomed to that person’s game

and you can kind of like settle into

their game boo

you can settle into

their game and

by the way how fast are your goddamn reflexes

i accidentally

brushed into

tommy’s starbucks cup

and before it

moved a half an inch

he moved like the flash

and caught it like in midair

that’s the weed son

that’s the weed

helping you out

if you weren’t

sober right there if you were sober you probably

had a big puddle in your lap

you might be right

that was fast i do

jiu jitsu high all the time

really oh yeah

do you roll better please

yeah everybody does

the whole class is high half the time

eddie’s class because

eddie’s like real

open about it you know he’s always talking

about how he

smokes weed and how it makes him better jiu jitsu

people have a real

wrong interpretation of weed

and what its

effects are

but it really helps

video games

really helps pool

really helps pool

i play a ball better

which means

what a ball

better means like if you play a game like nine ball

which is a game

where you play in rotation

you have to

shoot the balls one in order

if a guy’s better than you he’s a ball better than you

if a guy’s a ball better than you that means he

could spot you the

eight ball you

know like he’s good enough that he’ll get out

he’ll get an

extra ball in what you won’t

you know it’s one way of looking at

so when i smoke pot i

literally play a ball better

i could give myself that

doesn’t smoke pot the eight ball

really yeah i’m not kidding

and we jujutsu to

i mean i do just to sober all the time

but i do it high all the time too

and i think i’m better when i’m high

what opens it

i don’t think

about anything else but the

jiu jitsu you get so

focused you get so

laser beamed into what you’re doing

and jiu jitsu is all

about feel and rhythm and

being able to achieve that zen

state and i

think marijuana

allows you to achieve that zen state

in almost everything

better than you can on your own

like for sex

marijuana turns me into like

literally like i don’t say like an animal

yeah fucker like an animal

but i feel like i don’t have a language an animal

i feel like i’m just primal

like i’m way more like

way hornier

feels way better when i’m high

you know to me it like it really

brings me to that the zen

state of fucking

you know and i

think it does that with comedy

i think it does that with everybody

but it’s all

a direction that i choose to go in my mind

while utilizing it it gives you that primal focus

yeah absolutely

yeah you’re able to focus more

it’s supposed it’s here for our

evolution that’s

what it’s here for it’s here to get you better at

things it seems

ridiculous but

the real effect of marijuana isn’t

even from smoking smoking is something they figured out

later on in life

in order to get it into your

bloodstream really quickly

but when you

smoke it you miss out on a lot of the

stuff that we’re getting

right now cause we ate it

this is how a

human supposed to take in marijuana supposed to eat it

when you eat it it’s a


yeah it’s a

psychedelic drug

and it’s an

aging of evolution

it’s totally

psychedelic yeah

yeah listen

that’s the end of the podcast

folks because tommy

secure has to pee we did an hour and 48 minutes josh

this is we’re

gonna sign out

thank you to the

flashlight go to joerogane

net and click on the link

put in the code name rogan look at alec

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chick on tv

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god damn propaganda that

could have been his daughter

we’re not hating

go to joe rogan

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enter in the code name rogan get 15

off your flashlight

thank you tom segura

one of the fucking

funniest coolest guys i know and you can

catch him on

his website

which is tomsugara com

you can check out

s e g u r a

not everybody knows how to

spell that pal

and the twitter

is tom sigura

s e g u r a

and i have a podcast

there’s a link to on my website so if you go

to my website there’s a link to the podcast and we’re

gonna try to get him hooked up to the death

squad network

and if you go to

death squad tv that is

the podcast that

brian redband produces and he’s got like

a bunch of them now they’re number nineteen

right now in the itunes comedy he’s blowing the fuck up

hello so we are

headed to dallas we’re actually landing

right now too it’s

we’ve started our initial descent

so all right

thanks for being on my friend

all right love you bitches

joe rogan experience was sponsored by

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