ladies and gentlemen brothers and sisters
lovers and children dana de armand is in the house
give it up for dana
dana and i are e pals
we tweet each other back and forth but this is our
first time actually meeting each
other in real life cool
you’re very funny you say some funny shit on twitter
and you said you had a really funny
thing when you broke down
this jennifer aniston
fucking what’s his name
adam sandler
it was really
funny go with it yeah
if you haven’t seen it
what you can get it on
it’s on youtube on your what it does
to say just
don’t go with it just don’t go with it youtube
com it’s really
funny and really like you
broke it down like a
comic would
break it down like
how ridiculous it is
first of all i thought it was
hilarious that you said that jennifer aniston was the
human equivalent to oatmeal oatmeal
so bland and like
but that’s perfect that is
absolutely perfect it’s like she’s
nutritious i
would have said like a
grilled cheese sandwich
i would have called her a grilled cheese sandwich but
there’s a grilled cheese sandwich
truck you don’t see an oatmeal
truck anywhere
right no lines
nobody line
up for i would give her more
credit than
oatmeal is what i’m saying
i think you’re being a little unfair
i’ll give her a little
more than oatmeal but i know what you’re saying
you know i wonder
i got this no love for jennifer aniston
she’s just a
chick trying to get some
money doing her acting
thing and she’s been a
viral smart
water video
and she’s trying
to like be with all the youtubers and like make a
viral video to
undertake smart water
thing she ain’t hurting anybody
yeah it’s easy
to get caught up in hating someone for no reason
and she’s she’s
not somebody but why
heard jennifer
go after kadafi
kadafi is gonna
leave kardashian
go after kardashian you know
how do you feel
about that but then you know
i mean it’s it’s also you know if you live in a
glass house don’t
throw rocks right
dude live your own fucking life who gives a shit
but you’re right her
stuff what she’s doing
it’s all like goddamn
bitch don’t you have enough
money don’t you want to do something interesting yeah
everything you fucking
do is like the same goddamn stupid
story you know
those romance
and they’re the
worst date movies ever
because if you you’re
going on this date if you’re a guy
you’re already giving into the fact that
you’re doing whatever you can to fuck
you know you’re
gonna pretend to be someone you’re not
you know i would
never ask a chick
to go see some
crazy fucking
stupid werewolf
movie if they
weren’t into it you know what i mean
i would never
but women can ask a guy to go see some wonky ass date
night bullshit
jennifer aniston
god forbid sandra bullock
movies those
motherfuckers i love sandy
she loves little sandy
you love santa
because of what happened to her that’s what we
kinda look like yeah that was just
gonna say it’s exactly why
right oh my
god i was gonna bitch
about no strings attached to
cause natalie portman
you have an
oscar but still making bullshit
like no strings attached
for me i’m the most
attractive person ever
me and ashton kutcher are
gonna have no strings to
touch friend sex
boohoo well they
could fuck anybody
anywhere any day of the week
a new person
every single day
and they’re
gonna make a fucking happy ass
oh we’re just
gonna be friends
and have sex and it won’t get complicated oh
i wonder what’s
gonna happen
well do they
fall in love
what if they
didn’t what if they you’re that girl you have to
understand what happens she’s sitting around her
agent calls them this is what we have for you
it’s a big movie
it’s blah blah blah everyone’s all hyped on it
and next thing you know
like i’ve read for shit that i really i’m
happy i never got
you could just get talked into
going in on
these things the next
thing you know you’re in an office
next thing you know you’re signing
papers next
thing you know
a movie set
and you’re doing this fucking terrible movie
you know boohoo
cry for you you know
no big deal but i’m just saying they’re
just out there doing their shit
she looks fantastic pregnant
they should do that
movie though
where it’s like it’s sold like that
where you know exactly what’s
going to happen they’re
gonna fall in love and
cheat but then
it’s actually like he murders her and like loves
his body like you try not
to be an alien
he only wants her eggs
i love it that
would be a good idea for a
movie yeah just
flip it i saw
what was it called
bureau what the fuck’s it called adjustment bureau
i’m so behind in
movies right now
i don’t even know what this is pretty goddamn decent
based on a philip k dick
novel so it was really weird
it was really trippy
like really surprising
i thought it was
just gonna be
a typical dumb movie
and there had a lot
there’s a lot of dumb elements
but you kind of
have to have
some dumb shit in a lot of
movies just
to wrap up a complicated premise inside of two hours
you know you
gotta have some i
wanna be with
you forever
about that one guy that said
that thing well it’s
also like what is his
motivation well he’s
ridiculously in love with her and
you know why is this
going on really
i just met no i mean come on really i mean you’re
dwelling on this shit
three years
later because
it’s meant to be and it’s all written down somewhere
it’s fascinating
how i went about it
rack my brain over back to the future and that’s like
from 1985 i’m like
still things bother me
about it so much like the time or almost nothing like
the rape part like there was
a rape in back to the future
yeah biff tries to rape
lorraine and really that’s
right in the alternate
future that really yeah they just
still have him like wash his car and
stuff like oh
yeah you know what’s weird
that time you
tried to rape me
i prom night
like it bothers me some
really i never even thought
about it though but yes that is but then
again i do take a lot of medicine
make me like kind of hone
in on that kind of stuff
what about the rapes
i don’t remember anything
about that movie you know i’m finding as i get
older like i’ve definitely used up hard drive
space and deleted a lot of files
cause i can watch movies now
and it’s like i never watched them before
i watched a simple mind the other day
the the the russell crowe
movie about that genius a beautiful
mind beautiful mind yeah simple mind
beautiful mind and it was fucking
great i had no idea what was gonna happen
i literally
didn’t remember the movie i know i’ve seen it
i’m just i’m out of space
i got no space man
that’s that’s like that social network that’s what’s
gonna happen with that
movie to me in like ten years like it was a
great movie but
that’s not a movie you’ll remember at all
so many movies man if you really stop
you know it’s like
and i was gonna ask you this because you do porn
like why the fuck are they still making porn movies
there’s no way you could have seen them all
right there’s no way you need
a new one if you’re really just beating off
there’s no way
unless you’re fixating on very specific actresses
which a lot of guys do
but if you’re not if you’re just beating off
jesus christ that’s one
thing who’s seen them all that’s one
thing i’ve noticed though it is the characters it is
you like a certain actress and you
start wanting to see it like before porn
was always to me porn was jacking off
but then i never really got into characters
since like twitter
where now i’m following people on
twitter and
stuff like that now i’m starting to get
them no i want to see a movie with that person and yeah
so i see that
now that twitter’s helping it a little bit yeah
that’s definitely what’s become
i mean it’s become that with
comics as well
you know it’s like people
reaching out and you develop
like your fan base then you all communicate with each
other and then i
guess when some dudes
whacking off to you it’s like much more personal
or more fun
they kind of feel like they own you a little bit
a little bit
disconcerting
do people get douchey with you because of that
like i’m a fan like i demand this well i mean even like
today coming here
um people are like
uh is joe rogan
gonna fuck you and i’m like i’m a person yeah
like you know like
you have your
thing isn’t that
weird though and we just met in the
you know it’s
just like this isn’t a
movie this is real
life and you have your real life and outside of comedy
and your podcast and mma stuff
and tv and movies
you have your own personal life
right me outside of my
twitter feed
my bathing my bathtub
thing like what’s your bathtub
saying i just
spend like five
hours a day in the bathtub
you just sit around the bathroom yeah
i just can you not get
clean enough are you one of those no
i’ve done so much porn
constantly just
never ever you
do it on like a webcam or something no i just like
like to be in the tub
you should do it on webcam is there is there a
psychological
thing there
or you just like to do it no i just comfortable
just feels good to be in the tub
warm and wet
yeah i’m not wearing
clothes and keeps me from eating
taking food in the bathtub is gross
the cat in the hat
did it just
get an isolation tank there that’s part of the cat in
the hat that
would be awesome
when the cat in the hat comes back that’s
where he starts
trouble eats cake in a tub
see that’s where it’s all down
that motherfucker and he
gets those little kids in
trouble almost and then he pulls it out with
magic at the very end
so yeah most people don’t eat in the bathtub
well you’re up to date with your cat in a hat
that’s awesome shit son
i love this i have a two and a half year old i
know she loves the cat in the hat
and i love reading it
i get all enthusiastic
about it it’s fucking
great writing
the cat in the hat
especially the cat in the
hat comes back that one’s the shit dude have you guys
had some shell silver seen yet
no man where the sidewalk
ends get that you’ll fucking love it and be
great you will read that shit and you
as a kid that’s my man that
cat in the hat seems
awful psychedelic
shell still got
magic the cat in the hats got a
crazy hat and magic
fuck michelle
silverstein i’m not interested michelle
whatever the
fuck you’re talking about
i’m not interested man you’re talking nonsense
i’m telling you
about something awesome and
you’re telling me
about something else i have no idea
what it is it’s very similar let’s talk
about what’s awesome i don’t want to hear
about this you will
think it’s the
cat in the hat is the shit son
he’s a cat with a
magic fuckin hat
he pulls his cat off and there’s little cat a
little cat a pulls his hat off there’s little cat b
little cat c
and it gets all the way down to little cat z
and little cat z has boom
and you don’t know what the fuck boom is
but boom fixes
everything and when it gets down to little cat z
when the fucking shit hits the fan when the cat fucks
everything up
he gets the tub
dirty he gets pink shit out in the snow
and on the 10
shoes and on mom’s dress
and everything is a fucking disaster
and he keeps pulling out little hats
so other cats can help him
and they just fuck shit up
worse and worse
until it gets to little cat z
and little cat z’s got the
reset switch
he pulls out boom
and boom just zip
bang no matter what
you little cat z is so
small you can’t even fucking see him
he’s not visible to the
naked eye okay
so they’re going
macrocosm on your ass man they’re
going quantum physics
all right that’s how badass
cat in the head is
so fuck your
stupid what was her name again
shell silver
shell silverstein can suck the cat in the hats cock
how about that
that’s what i got to say
i need to i need this
the shit son i need to have some kids
cause i haven’t read this shit in a while
i need you know
when you don’t have kids the idea
of reading kids
catnap story
sounds like fucking painful punishment yeah
people i’ve when i i’ve been in the position
where i didn’t have kids
where i looked at people at kids like oh you trap fuck
like oh my god oh you’re doomed you’re
stuck to that shit that’s
how i’m eating you
right now there’s no way not to
there’s no way not to
it’s normal if you
don’t have kids that’s how it’s supposed to be set up
until you have them of your own
you’re supposed
to complete your mission in life
like your motivation and your goals
are to be as unentangled as possible
so when you see
entanglements in
other people’s lives
you recognize them as disgusting
things you never want to see yourself
that’s why you see
someone’s acting like an asshole
or someone’s acting
selfish or jealous
those feelings
that you get from seeing them like ugh it’s so gross
that’s a message to you
you’re supposed to
learn from this
you’re supposed to
never ever be what that person is
like they’re there for you
when you see people with kids if they’re not yours
you get this
screwy message
you get this message of oh look at this poor fuck
you think about all the
worst aspects of all your relationships
and how you
know you could possibly be entangled some
other person
and then there’s a
fucking kid who won’t stop crying and oh you’re doomed
but when you have them all of a
sudden it’s like whoa there’s this little
human and they’re your little friends
and it’s you
like it’s not really another person
it’s a part of you
that’s become its own individual
you love it
literally more than you love yourself
and then reading
to them and playing with them it’s fun as fuck
it’s like you got this little pal
like she makes me
laugh all the time she shows me her dumps
she takes these
giant shits
they’re fucking huge
they come out this little
tiny body can’t believe how big her shits are you
should start
twittering your
her twitch no way no way
these would be jerking off to my baby shit oh fuck
let me that log
that if it fits that
it fits my cock
no that’s what
they be thinking
oh of course there
would be there’s at
least like five guys
if you showed
how big your baby shit was we’re like you what else
could i fit in that ass
they would think about
stuff in there i jacked
off your kids poop
today joe exactly there’s at
least one guy who’s
gonna say that yeah but she
thinks it’s hilarious she goes i just made a poop log
and poop is what she knows is
funny because it’s funny coming out of a two year old
so that’s like the go to word
you know whenever you know
what does it
smell like poop
everything smells like poop
like she’ll say
everything smells like poop and
laugh that’s
awesome you gotta get her in on
there’s a show called adventure time i highly recommend
it’s like a trippy
show for kids
but if you’re an
adult you will fucking want to get high and watch it
amazing it’s all i want to do
really yeah
it’s the next
and then it’s like
maria bamford’s on it
steve agie said that he did something on it
like a bunch of really talented people
oh it’s really cool the guy that used to flapjack
flapjack got canceled so now he’s on it too
fucking awesome
would you ever do a cartoon
voice i think oh yeah
i think that
would be one of your
ideal things i
think i have well we did it you
did a family guy or
american dad or something like that you remember you
well i did it yeah i did a cartoon
voice on family guy and i did
fuck what else have i done with little kid shit
i feel like
i’ve done something before i’ve read some books
i read some books that
became books on cd
long time ago
with mario lopez
oh no way yeah it was kind of fun man
cause you’re reading a
kids story mario
lopez and you’re reading
him a little
later yeah he’s hot as fuck
and i always
remember like
you know like
how was i was a little kid like
to like listen to a cassette of someone tell a
story i was like fucking cool you’d be tucked in bed
and hear some really exciting
story you know yeah
so it was fun it was fun doing that
speaking of lopez
remember when we had allison on she was
extra behind
mario lopez and she was just staring at him
like she was like the terminator with this really evil
meaning well she’s
done it again
but this time she did even better like at the beginning
like high five when they come back from a commercial
mario lopez and her
and then she immediately goes
right back into the
character and she’s just staring at him down looking
she overdid it this time
acting yeah
she’s overdoing it this time
just acting thing
just did you be
crazy on tv
what is going on with that chick
yeah exactly
that one bitch is crazy
exactly the
first time i met her when she was a
brian she’s very nice very nice person
first time i met her i’m like dude is that girl
angry like what’s
going on man yeah
i feel like did i
upset her did i say something rude
cause i don’t
and i’m like i don’t even remember her interacting
she’s got this mean face
but then she’s
super nice yes she’s the
coolest person
ever she just gets lost and
overthought i
think you know like she’s constantly
you know just
thinking about
things and then she looks
angry it’s called
winning it’s called winning it’s called winning
winning this
charlie sheen meme has
hit its turn to corner
starting to corner i
watched the podcast and all of a
sudden this is not fun anymore
there’s two
there’s three now
but there’s two different versions there’s one
where he actually
tries to do like a talk show
right it’s very strange
and it’s very cocaine
because everyone in the room is like all
happy and laughing at nonsense
and there’s this one guy who won’t stop playing fart
sounds it’s like you know he probably
listened to the howard stern show
twice and you
know and said oh this is probably all it takes just
need a fucking fart
board this guy’s blowing off farts in the
background for no reason whatsoever
and charlie’s like reading off q cons
just trying to
have those synapses fire in some sort of a
reasonable and
understandable sequence
cause it’s just cocaine
madness in that brain
his brain is ravaged dude
he’s got blow out holes in walls and
waters leaking out
no one knows
what the fuck happens to your
brain when you blow
seven fucking gram rocks
you’re snorting
them and smoking them for years and years
he’s fried he’s
barely trying to keep it together what if this is all a
setup for a
movie be a night
and fucking
genius movie yeah
i mean maybe
not maybe not
maybe the best
movie i will
never ever be on charlie sheen’s
bandwagon fuck him
why why you
say that because it’s just
i don’t know
that’s the best way to get people mad i
think is just to be like
i’m not into what you’re into
fuck you yeah i actually have not been
watching or
following any of it
i feel like
there’s no reward in that for me
but there’s a reward in following it
there’s a reward in
studying it like he’s some fucking
lewis and clark of cocaine and whores
right you know he’s like out there in the woods
i’ll tell you
how pans and horrors
have been around for a very very long time but no
one has been
able to rock it
like two mill only
about two mill a week is how you discover something new
he’s got radical amounts of
money syndication money
and when you have that kind of
money that’s how
there’s dudes show up with
briefcases and shit and
you know and there’s 50 girls in the room
he’s doing other level shit
cause you’re not supposed to get that rich
and still have this
crazy appetite for cocaine and horse
you’re not supposed to be that open
about it you’re not supposed to be that public
about it well
that’s what’s
crazy is that that’s exactly
where tv’s going this
whole shit is the realest
our life supposedly
supposedly this is the realest
you can get for reality shows now is having a you
stream channel
and seeing somebody
about to die
maybe you know maybe
or the whole
thing’s fucking fake
no it’s not fake
directed by shell silverstein
and this is
gonna like the next
biggest movie ever
dude it’s fucking in 3d
it’s so scary when you look at his
body and his face like the latest ones the latest two
it looks like he hasn’t eaten
or slept in days like his skin
is loose on his face yeah
looks like an old man yeah
well it’s because he’s lost all this weight
how old look at him
that looks like he’s only
two years older than me
and i don’t
know i know i don’t look like i did when i was
young i look at myself when i was
young and i’m like wow how
weird is that like that’s me i’m decaying
right you know i’m like my body is
morphing and
changing good but
i look better than that dude yeah
that looks like hugh hefner
hugh hefner
right there
yeah yeah that’s an old man words like a 60 year
old man by the way we’re looking on youthstream he has
all his videos and channels
his name is
wytr on youthstream and
it says wytv bro
wytv you know here’s i
think that’s just one of them that’s on
i mean i think
you can watch the actual charlie sheen
one on charlie sheen’s channel this is the guy who’s
re competent
what it looks
like but this one almost has a million views so does
it yeah this
might be it okay
maybe it is it but here’s what disturbs me
look at the
pointiness of a
shoulder yeah look at the bones yeah that’s weird he’s
dying he’s dying yeah
that’s real
you know he’s
dying and he’s winning
yeah he looks like he looks like
steve jobs right there yeah
does he need a liver
transplant yeah
maybe that’s what it is
maybe that’s why he has all
those whores in his
house he’s like
matching up
matching their organs
i’m on to you bitch he’s
charlie check
him out i used to say that about
dick cheney
dick cheney probably has like
seven secret service
agents but only six are real circuit service
agents one guy is just some dude
who’s got his
blood type yeah
waiting harvesting dick channey
to die so they’re
gonna cut this dude open like a fish
harvested one
guy behind the
truck with ice in it
it’s ready to
throw the heart in there while it’s
still beating
what blood type are all
those whores
do you guys know what
blood type you are
i don’t even know what
blood type i am i
think i have like
cat blood type or something cat
i’m all positive
dana de armond’s the only one here that’s not high
she was scared
she didn’t want to go deep
nervous i am a little nervous it’s
very hard to be in the same room with people who are
professionally
funny because
i’m not funny i
could just fucking
open my ass and like accept a huge cock
you know and
everything will be okay
things will pan out for me
everybody will like you
yeah they will say
way to go yeah
cause i can fall back on just you know being pretty
enough you don’t have to
worry about anything
just be yourself
you don’t have to be
funny you don’t have to be just
but i’d like
to cause i like to be impressed
you are but
you know what no more than you have to be like the
the beautiful
thing about this podcast for real
is that it’s like a conversation you know it’s like
what people get a chance to see is it’s like
you get an in on
an interesting conversation you know so just i like it
so you’re all good
that’s you just be funny oh
thanks but you are you are
funny and if you
haven’t seen that clip it’s very
funny have you ever thought
about doing comedy um
i don’t know
cause it’s kind of hard
because i’m like already
social and marginalized by being a sex worker
and then people kind of
expect you to
be like sexy
and then i already had this conversation with brian
about female comics
and how it’s
like that’s already
you’re kind of
a rung down on the ladder because you know
my boyfriend my period my cats you know kind
of stuff and
it’s really hard to get out of that it’s
that is a business is very hard for women
and somebody like me coming in
like being pretty and being a porn star
and you know being like having a dirty
mouth or whatever i feel like i’d be kind of
painted into a certain corner of being
expected to how can you be
painted more than you are already
i know that’s what i’m saying but as a porn star how
could be in a female comic
which is i mean arguably
the general consensus it
would be a notch
many notches
above on the social ladder like how
would it possibly
fuck you up by being
funny as well as doing what you already do
maybe i’m just afraid of failing i don’t know
could be that
right i mean
it’s very intimidating like i do
like you comedy
bits for videos and
stuff like that
and people kind of always call me because they need
like a pretty girl or a
naked girl or someone will do full frontal
and whatever and i also
for and i get jokes and
stuff like that but
you know i don’t know
if i can just be like here are my
series of jokes and then try to like
change it from you know
i feel like i
would have to fall
back on being a porn star for the basis of my comedy
which is something
that is kind of counter
productive to
what i do as a porn star because i sort
of market myself as
a girl next door in a normal person
mm hmm you know so it
would be like folded in on itself no it
would i really don’t think it
would because you
would just be yourself on stage
i need that noise
you do need it right
maybe we’re not
i think i think what you said
you’re right
i don’t know
i just reading your
tweets i think
you’re fucking hilarious and even if you just took
what i do is i usually think of a
tweet that i really like and then i try to
write a little
story around that
tweet is that pretty much is like the meat of the goal
or the i’m sorry
boys i open that up so we can see what
we’re doing
just in case yeah
but that’s like the meat of a joke
you know like a
tweet it pretty much is the best part of a joke usually
you know so i
think you would be really good at it just
based on your
on your what a
tweet is is just
140 characters just writing material
you know it’s just it’s just
and and not
and not that’s the beautiful thing
about it sometimes it’s just
whatever the fuck you
think about anything
you know like i was talking
about like i
made a tweet last
night that i was
watching this charlie
sheen thing and then he
sounds like hunter s thompson
he’s got this crazy
i was against
him boys you know he’s got this
crazy nutty
gonzo thing
going on i’m like wow this is
weird like now i’m stuck
like is that like a drug
thing it’s not like you just go too far over the edge
and you just
you know everything’s firing all fucking goofy
is that what it is
well charlie sheen has been
famous pretty
much all his life and he was like born into a
famous family too
so i mean that kind of sets you back a little bit to
begin with because you’re already
scrutinized
being watched pretty
closely and you’re
in a bubble because you’re rich sure from
the moment you’re born
basically yeah
what stand up comedy
makes you do
is be real as fuck
you can’t fake it
you can’t pretend
something’s
going on it’s not
going on you know what’s happening is happening
when you’re talking
about something
you better be actually
thinking about something are
those little animals out there gonna
smell it uh huh
no and it’s not
gonna work like me
fucking happy heckler
i’m the worst
yeah you heckled mike
young i know it was so
funny though
it was entertaining to like the
11 people that were there well listen mike
young needs it
gosh he’s bald he needs
it just as long as you don’t do that to anybody good
and don’t do it just
cause someone’s bombing
sometimes we
bomb when we’re trying to work something out
like when you i
can tell when
people are working
things out i’m sure you can i’m sure you
you just felt insulted by what mike
young was selling yeah
i know that feeling he was like peeing on my
shoes and telling me it was raining
it was yeah
it was miserable yeah well you
can you can you know guys can go down a bad road you
know and then he was like hey i see you you have bangs
and i was like just
nailed it burned
what the fucking bangs what are you doing with
those oh yeah
you can come do a
it’s allowed
you can come do
a joe’s show tomorrow if you want to do a five
minute set reading your tweet
we’re doing a show tomorrow oh yeah
before i even
this weekend is comedy and magic club
so this friday and saturday we’re at the comedy and
magic club at hermosa beach and
tickets are
there’s still some left but not much
and then next week friday
night we’re
going to gotham
beat me and
the wild jew
in gotham at a
nice feeling
a flashlight
and that’s next
next friday night
yeah and then wednesday tomorrow we have
sal’s sal’s comedy hole
in la tom segura
christina and
a lot of people eliza
schlesinger
should be there too
a lot of people are
going it’s gonna be really fun
and that’s a
great place to fuck around
i came up with two new jokes last time i was there
just on stage yeah that’s awesome
cause it’s such a little intimate
environment and
everyone knows that it’s like you’re there for that you
know it’s like
everyone knows that
i do my material but
i’m really there to do my
i wanna entertain you but i also
wanna like go down
crazy roads and see what happens right
completely free ball
and you can’t do that in a big crowd
you need to
do that in like an eighty seat or a ninety seat or
then you just you really know what’s
funny and what’s not
yeah you can’t get off any
tricks in an intimate environment a really
small room you can’t get off any tricks
it’s like it’s either funnier it’s not you know
and it’s very
truthful you know
and you could do that i’m telling you you
could do it so
when you’re talking about not
wanting all
these other
things like not wanting to be to me
you’ve already managed to
avoid that in the most demeaning job possible
yeah i guess i have
seriously i mean it depends
i don’t feel like it’s that demeaning i
think there could be
fuck anyone that
judges anyone that
judges anybody that’s not hurting anybody
if anybody does not hurt anybody whatever you’re doing
how weird it may be
that’s what
makes you happy
i’m brainwashed
or maybe i need to be rescued or
maybe i just i was raised in properly
or you know or i’m so
gonna be heathen
or something that i’m just you know i need the
right person to slap some
sense into me because
i think that because
for most people that’s the case
for most people in your business that’s the
case i mean it’s not an irrational reason for them to
think i mean there’s a
percentage it
doesn’t account for all variabilities
there’s a lot more
variables variabilities
there’s a lot more variables it
doesn’t count for all of them
and there’s people can be you know into all kinds of
things for no fucking reason
and to say that it’s all from abuser
so you were
happy growing up
happy person yeah very
you know mom dad brother
cats everybody normal shit just really open
about sex in your
house like how did you become so uh
i don’t know i was like
i’m weird and i’ve always been
weird like i
asked my mom
what was i like when i was a kid and she was like
pretty much exactly the same way as you are now just
shorter and i was like okay
been like this kind of
neurotic silly person for a very long time
and i never had like any sex talks with my parents i
think at a certain
point they were like it’s really normal to
experiment with
sex and drugs but you probably shouldn’t
drink and i was like well i’m
gonna go get
drunk cause if my parents
think that drugs and sex are cool
they must suck
or be nerdy or whatever like i think
i kind of went alex
peketen on them
right little
little flip
man that’s something you got to really be
aware of when you’re raising
kids you can’t just tell them what you want them to do
right no you
don’t yeah you
gotta kind of
figure out a way to trick them
trick the little
monsters yeah
yeah so you just
gravitated towards the alcohol to be a rebel
yeah i was like
a really bad
drinker when i was younger and i went through phases
where i would
not drink at all but then
pick right up and
be a drunk person
until i was like 23
wow yeah i was just like
and like sucks oh
i mean i wasn’t like
super interested in it like i had boyfriends
and stuff and like my parents
never tried to make me feel bad
about sex but
the men that
i was with always did like they made you feel bad
about it and what
about like how many
people i’ve
had sex with or like what i’m into or whatever
and i was just like
i always found it to be
pretty strange so i guess
like my parents
raised me to have good
ideas about sexuality
but really it
wasn’t really
pant like laid out
for me in any way well for
men you know you want to know how many partners because
then the likelihood of her leaving you becomes assessed
like how long she will that is
such a sensitive
thing to say
which i think is really interesting because i
think that a lot of people
would say you know
you know to see if
she’s like a whore
or slutty or if she’s like diseased or whatever
she’s gonna get me
herpes there’s that too there’s that
feeling that she’s not special but
i think that’s pretty
yeah pretty interesting well
you’re gonna
give your love up to
a girl yeah well what the fuck is
you’re an accumulation of all your
experiences sexual or
whatever the fuck you wanted i mean
maybe you made me
the only problem
is it becomes like you find out about like
trains that were run on her and like how many times
damn bitch like how many gang bangs three fuck
you know then you start
thinking how can i ever think that
that’s weird
sex is special
between us you know
how can i ever
think that uh
that this is a
this is for
real it’s worthy
of my love real shit yeah it’s not what i see in the
movies you know
it’s not what i see in
sandra books movies
sandra book
never gets a
train run on her
you know she
doesn’t go to work you get i mean
she probably
come home and
want to cuddle
with you so she
could fucking do whatever now no yeah not for a woman
she can go full they can vanish
she’s on the verge of vanishing already
she’s 40 years old 43 years old something like
that she’s so cute she is very cute but i mean
you’re not gonna
want to see her as she’s 60 in a romantic comedy
about a woman
trying to find her way
and she coaches
a bunch of black guys that are
playing football and she
learns about
like milf like and the that blind side
maybe she was a little bit of a
like a mom not like a
girlfriend yeah
or sexy boss
it’s so funny how we
identify with someone who’s
going through some crazy
strife on television
crazy crap she
doesn’t deserve that she seems nice enough
but i do wonder why she was
married to that
jesse james
yeah that seems
weird completely
tattooed all over the
place what is that
about i never really
understood that
is that like they both
enjoy cocaine
or something or
he’s a charmer
charmer there’s some guys are charmers
and i think
he was very obsessed with being
famous listen to me i’m like i’m fucking
nancy grace
what we have here is a charmer
he’s a bullshit artist and he’s
getting this girl to believe him
now we have a dead baby in florida
that’s all bitch
talks about
there’s a dead baby in florida nancy
grace is on that shit
you will look for this
story on cnn com
you will find nothing
here we have the
mother come home from work
buy cigarettes with the baby in the car
i know i love it
she hates casey anthony
so much who’s
casey anthony she like killed her
daughter kaylee anthony
and why was she here
seems cool but no but like the
thing is she’s not like
ever trying to present
herself as like an impartial news person she’s like and
casey anthony
they will figure out the
truth about you
cause you murdered your baby
she was like
i said he’s
right there biased
well she’s not
a lot she’s not supposed to be a news person
she’s like a
discussion person
no but she’s a former prosecutor
like that’s the
interesting part of it
she’s got figured out
that’s crazy
thing is like when she’s when she’s talking about
tiger woods like whoa whoa whoa
settle the fuck down hooker
i thought you were all
about dead babies in florida
what are you doing
about black athletes that like the fuck
like really
you’re gonna you’re
gonna spend
three weeks
working on black athletes that want to fuck
like really
who are these girls where do they come from
how did they get his phone number
well nancy grace nancy grace would love you
if anybody could use some black cock it’s nancy grace
i could see her enjoying it
couldn’t you i pay for that i could see her enjoying it
i can see her getting stuffed
somebody just finally fucking
treating her like she’s really sexual and hot for
like the first time in 20 30 years
ugh she’d get into it big man dingo
ebony sword sword yes no sorry enunciated the w
sword oh you’re such a dad
see that’s fucking comedy
right there that’s
timing you could totally be a stand
up comedian
there you go dude you
could totally do it i’m telling you
we’re just saying for
real comics and
comics and porn stars are very very similar
we all come from some fucking
weird place where
we didn’t get what we were supposed to get when we were
young and there’s a hole
and you fill that hole
up however you want with jokes or with dicks sticks
it’s the same thing
there’s room for both
my whole life yeah
i’m telling you
could do it
you could fit hands in there and shit
claps people can clap
you got five minutes tomorrow at
sal’s comedy hall
oh my gosh you don’t have to do it no pressure
you don’t wanna
fug look what happened with her with drinking
can’t do that
you can’t push her in a direction she’s
gonna push back
i’m gonna take your bullshit
so he’s psychology
yeah man he’s fucking trying to
trick you i saw the funniest
photo of you she has by the way she has an
obsession with
trannies like she
like is addicted to trannies
i saw this big
black giant
seven she like
seven two seven four something
she was giant
was that a huge girl
she is so funny how is it she was that even a turn on
that i just thought she was like
really owning her shit you
know she just like
work in the room like it must be fucking like i’m five
eight and i feel like i’m a little bit too tall
you know you’re five
eight yeah i can feel
tranny like sometimes
i’m in touch with my
inner tranny
inner tranny my
masculine side
my masculine
feminine side
they have a
pussy boner
it’s a fembone
fembone or lesboen
depends what it’s for yeah
i don’t know
what is that
i don’t know
just making a word
what are you guys talking
about no but i’m why
is it terrible time to get your balls caught in your
pants and you have to adjust
this conversation is
going on like the last
thing i want is anybody to
think that i’m getting hard
right now but i’m
shifting in my
pants because
i’m sitting on
my ball pants
photo moment
i’ll put a black
bar over you talking about like
boner something and i’m
like god damn it i do have to adjust my balls i’m with
terrible timing
i’m very obsessed with rupaul’s drag race i’ve been
watching it for all
three seasons and i really like the drag
drag queens i used to hang out with drag
queens a lot when i
what’s the obsession just
you find it cool or just
like when people are just really being themselves
right even if it means like
dressing as a different gender
or whatever it’s just
because that’s like what they feel
right it’s very ambiguous and i really like that
why not right
yeah why the fuck not like i used to go out in
like pulling drag looks with drag
queens in florida and i like
blended in with them
because they thought you were a big woman
they thought it was like a dude
dressed as a girl a girl
dressed as a dude
dressed as a girl like
some pretty
next level inception
type of shit
it’s the next level shit
yeah your hands are too
small and your feet are too small
my aura dude
you were really one of
those people that was supposed to be born a woman yes
you know wow
that would be the worst
so it’s way better to be a
woman who looks like uh
might be a tranny
than a dude who looks like a
woman but those
trainees that are like the
like girl like
they’re like
jeans are just messed up and they just
ended up with a dick but they’re like really more women
right they have like a
whole different
like if they want to do
trainee porn
they it’s a very
niche and they look more like women
than like someone that
maybe started
transitioning
later in life or that was more
masculine right
and so it opens our door to like be like the best
transsexual prostitute
or porn star or whatever like they
could really
like cash in on that
you know if people really want
to make their sas
so is it possible to compete
who’s the best tranny
yeah they like
tranny awards
bailey bailey jay got the best
transsexual performer you like
follow the tranny i
do yeah she’s addicted
she’s addicted
tranny follow me and i follow them back and well
they call me and i
think they’re just hot girls they’re probably just
happy that someone accepts them you know
yeah i think
any why shouldn’t anybody
except in joe rogan you’re
right exactly i
think there’s a
broad spectrum we learned
something here today
there’s a huge spectrum and all i care
about people
thought they
were gonna hear
about like that fighting
stuff or like
fucking stuff
and we’re teaching people real psh
values yeah
well that means that’s what this thing is
about this is just a conversation yes
you know we it’s
so easy to judge
people valuable
what’s easy
to get confused and we
naturally gravitate towards teams
and if you’re not on team
dress like a guy
all of a sudden there’s something fucked up about you
but if you’re a fucking guy who really loves
dressing like a chick
who the fuck am i
right who’s anybody i say there’s something
wrong with that i
kinda dress like a guy and i’m why not lady
girls dress like guys all the time i
never have a problem with it
i mean i don’t
wanna dress like a woman
but i don’t give a shit if you do every time
hillary’s hot
who hillary
swank i think she’s hot
every time i
dress like a guy someone goes
you look like hillary swing
i think she’s hot
just like a dude i
think hillary
like i’ve heard dude say that they
think she looks like
a man i’m like i don’t know
maybe you need to get a certain
amount of man in you you mean it be a certain amount of
masculine to
appreciate a beauty like
hillary swag
which is a little on the manly side
yeah but i never even thought of
that before
you you need to be more dominant
more masculine than her handsome
woman yeah you don’t want to
be like a frail man and you want to fuck hillary swag
she’ll mount you and ground and
pound you i
feel like i’m
i am actually probably more
masculine than hillary swank the person
i would have to see the two of you together because
when you see someone in real life like people always
tell me when they meet me goddamn you’re so fucking
short like i
never thought you’re that short
no it’s true how
tall are you five
eight but on tv
yeah but on tv
you know you look big you know you’re on
television then
these people meet me and they’re like
towering over me
and they’re like you know like you meet a guys like
six forms ago i thought you were fucking taller like
you don’t know
what anybody’s like to actually meet that
right i mean you have to you’d have to see
like i’ve met
celebrities that i thought were like
these big people and there’s
these little tiny people
and look at conan o’brien i
never knew he was that tall
yeah he’s very tall
he’s very tall
which i’m sure makes it awkward
when he does his show because he
towers over all
these people and he wants to be unassuming and you know
you know it’s it’s interesting thing so
who’s more manly you were hella rich
right she’d have
to be sitting
right next to you
probably because when
she did million dollar baby and she played the boxer
she look pretty fucking manly
all right she was
but she was yoked
do you remember that i
could work out if i didn’t love not working out so much
right but she already did
it she already
did it so i’m pretty sure she’s more
masculine than you i don’t know
look if you were together
right next to each
other and she
buff doesn’t mean they’re like
masculine the
fuck it doesn’t
yeah it does
it’s all directly related to how difficult it
would be to rape you
that’s what exactly
that’s what it is
you look like you’d be
a tangle like god damn i can’t even get hard
because i gotta fight
for my life here i’m feisty if a man feels like he
could just absolutely run away with you
like i’ve done
porn and i’ve like
tortured people on
their balls i don’t
think i would have any
problem like trying to like
punch someone in the face or rip
their eyes out
or kick them in the dick or something of course you
might i’ve been like very
aggressively
sexual towards men and
shame them right so
i feel like that would
be an advantage
over rapists
nobody try to rape me
cause i can kick your dick
and ball all i’m saying all i’m saying is
are you trying
to get people to rape me i’m not saying you know your
father should
rape you i’m
not saying that no
please don’t rape dana
there i say
please and if you
think about it
please stop
thinking about it
yeah it’s not
what i’m saying is
that’s when a
woman becomes manly looking
when she looks how different
it’s very rude
it’s very right it’s so inconsiderate
it’s so inconsiderate
i want to fuck you even if you don’t want it
this girl i was talking to the
other day on
she said she was raped twice
and i’m like i’m like
which one was the better one oh no
dude write that down
write that down that’s a bit
that’s a bit
i think if you had to choose one
which one was you
gotta do that tomorrow night it
sounds a hundred percent that is a bit no doubt
about it that’s really
funny i think it’s really funny
some people
unlike the bts of porn
movies they’ll try to be like
you lose your virginity
and some people just full on is like how old were you
you say bts
yeah the behind the
scenes footage
okay i didn’t know that industry talk oh
sorry that’s from
that’s one for our size i wasn’t even
one zero i thought you were saying like a message
board like a bbs oh
like the little behind the
scenes footage
people are like
how old were you
when you were do they show you guys like douching and
cleaning your body i
always try to
trick people into like
watching me pee and douche and
stuff because they’re not really supposed to film
like peeing
no because like the
tribunals have like a problem with it well
it might be like being on people
at some places obscene
but i did a
movie called girls live for vivid alt
restricted by ema
chi and it had
a girl taking a pregnancy test and she peed on it on
the toilet and they can show it because it’s like in a
medical environment it’s yeah like a normal environment
like pee pee
goes in the toilet
not in dana’s
mouth the person’s mouth
i saw that’s what you
think i saw a guy piss in someone’s mouth live
is really funny i
think it’s funny i
think it’s more hilarious than anything that
you know somebody
like they want to jack off to the
movies and i want to see
naked people and they want to see some
weird shit but then also kind of
want to laugh
i but i saw this in a
rock and roll
show it was
a guy that used to do it called extreme elvis
and he was oh yeah i met him
i met him yeah he’s buddies with doug stanhope
and doug was opening up for him at this bar
and guy goes up there he’s
fat as fuck and he’s a really good singer like he’s
really good
and the band is tight
you know it’s not just a
bizarro show
and then the guy takes his
clothes off and he
goes kind of
michael phallus
a complete micro phallus i mean it’s
like to the
point where people are
laughing and staring i believe it’s
still up on my website i believe i took a
picture of his dick
and and he’s pissing in this
woman’s mouth
he goes who wants directly
getting pissed
let’s go i do i do and
she gets any
and i took pictures of the
whole thing i took
took pictures of him
pissing in her mouth
pissing in a
glass she drinks the
glass like is
fucking crazy
he climbs off
stage and he’s in the
crowd and some
woman tries to
stick a beer bottle up his ass
he can like pee on
cue yeah some
woman tries to
stick a beer bottle up his ass
and he goes
that’s the wrong holes
right here get it
right here like he helps her
stuff this beer bottle up his ass
and she panics and just drops the bottle whoa
she panic like she thought she would
stick her beer bottle up this guy’s ass and he would
freak out like hey what the fuck
right he goes you get the
wrong hole honey
right here i’ll
guard you in there
and he starts helping her
stick a fucking beer bottle up his asshole
but that’s how
deep this guy’s
ready to go yeah
so i run into him i mean i
think that’s art
i run into him so fucking
like paul bends a show
i run into him at the pop of end
the show and now he’s no longer extreme
elvis and i
think he’s like
playing sober now
he used to get hammer
yeah fuck before he did that show
and you know i was talking before i’ve met him before a
while ago like at the
bright spot or something and i was talking on the paul
pendes show about
a guy that i used to know
who was a male feminist
that’s how he
would describe himself
as a male feminist
and it was just it was just as like really sad weak guy
and yeah seems
kinda like subby
yeah it was very subby
and he was this
guy like this really like a bag of jello as a
human being he was just like
and eventually she left him and
so anyway i was mocking this
whole idea of like how the fuck
could you be a male
feminist and
after i get off
stage he goes well i’m a male feminist
and i’m like oh wow i
would love to debate you on that like we
should do some tv i’m like
you just said it
you just said exactly what i said like
a fleshy ball of of jello with a
micro phallus
and you’re a male
feminist well of course you are
you have to lady well
basically you know no offense
you’re you’re a bad
motherfucker at what you do when when you do that
crazy elvis thing
but like you know talking
about being a
feminist like be whatever the fuck you want to be
but you can’t tell me it’s not ridiculous
you’re you’re like really into the female
of the species like you’re really like
thinking of them
first like what the fuck you talking about
how about being a goddamn human
how about being a
human across the
board sexually
whether it’s male female gay straight
tranny who gives a shit
how about being across the board
not a fucking
feminist you dumbass
you can’t defend that when you only
wanna help women
you only wanna
promote women
you fucking weak bitch
that’s weak shit
that’s weak i don’t even call myself a feminist
i would say
i’m not a feminist
because those are
things i can get on
board with and whatever
but you know there’s so many different
waves of feminism
that people will come behind you and just be like nah
and just grouping
everything together
stupid to begin with
yes all groups are stupid you
know all of it anything were you looking out for what
you can’t fucking fix the
world i mean
there’s some
things you have
to have like you have to have some sort of a
and a group that’s there to investigate
claims of racism
when it comes to jobs and
stuff like that i mean you have to have
some groups
but as little
as possible
that’s good sure yeah
as little as possible
as little goddamn
groups as possible yeah that’s the key
you know people get on fucking team
mentality mode
and they start just going
after i’m on team straight
i’m on team queer
you know i’m on this i’m on that
they can’t help it i like it i like it all
just everybody’s gotta
lighten the fuck up
right tina yes isn’t that the key
to this world
when people say that weed
could could fix the
world probably that’s like
for real it sounds
silly it sounds
silly coming from a fucking comedian and a pornstar
and a video comedian but
we for real
obviously so
maybe people
will listen to us
cause maybe we’re
a little bit
more informed
i read this post on a message
board the other day
about this dude who talked
about he had smoked pot
for the first time in like
seven years
and he was absolutely terrified to his core
and then it brought up all these
crazy thoughts of
childhood and he
could not handle it and it
opened up this fascinating
discussion because
you know some
people are saying that’s normal some people
are saying well you got some shit you got to deal
with is fucking with you in the back your head and you
and your sober life you’re not addressing it but
that’s why weed
is good for you
you’re supposed to look at
everything all the time
and a lot of us don’t
we like to bury shit in the back of our head
and try not to
dress whatever is fucking with us
and we just turns a
light on that shit
whatever you have in your life is fucking with you
that you’re trying to put deep in your subconscious
marijuana does not
allow that it
doesn’t allow it
so people say oh it makes me paranoid
no it’s making you
think about the shit you need to be
thinking about
you should be fucking paranoid
you should be
aware of how vulnerable you are the
world is very fucked up yes
i had to like move because people were
stealing my mail
when i lived in silver
lake i had to like move to a high security
building i couldn’t
do they knew
where you were
yeah fans like that’s
and i was like i did
think i was paranoid but i was like no
these people
are for real like know who i am and it’s kind of trippy
did you have a
happy childhood you
think oh yeah
absolutely really
i my parents were involved in
everything pta
girl scouting i was figure skater
they say finger skating
how does how do your parents
deal with what you do now
um i don’t know if
i don’t know if they deal with it i don’t
know it’s not really something that’s just a non issue
it’s a non issue
yeah really
they’re like no big deal you just having sex on film
yeah wow that’s fascinating pretty much
but they also see that you know i have a reasonable
amount of following and fan base and people who
appreciate what i
contribute to the porn industry besides just being like
just your personality three warm
holes yeah and a
bunch of fake hair
it’s you know just
so you contribute being your personality and your sense
of humor yeah yeah definitely
but my parents respect my decisions which is
maybe kind of a very foreign concept for most
people because for a
lot of people people’s parents
tend to you know tell them what to do and
my parents are opposite they told me like
were they religious at all
no well that’s the reason my parents are religious
yeah because
what is their background
oh man my grandmother is from germany
and i don’t
think that my mom was raised with a religion
my grandmother was like a new agee
what does your dad do for a living whatever
my dad does
kind of weird shit like
he works without a catering company now
but he was like an on site
security manager
storage facility
and he used to be a ceo of
a software company and he quit that to be a fish farmer
and then he like went to like
ranch cattle and oklahoma
like my dad is kind of all over the place wow
that’s kind of cool though my dad is like kind of like
genius at free spirit all
all sorts of
things but like for that
amount of time you know
you just like yeah he’s like
turbo thruster like
why not man
shouldn’t you be
able to just
fucking change careers
in your life my
dad does all the time
and my my mom works at
a company that makes
stuff to blow up
brown people
in florida wow
like a missile company
like some arms some form of arms yeah
doesn’t have to be
brown we might jack some yellow people in
north korea sure
keep talking shit
keep talking shit
but rice eating
motherfuckers we got some shit for
your ass hey
my mom has been like in her job for a really long time
bunch of people got mad at me
in this mma
forum because i
there was we were in kentucky
and there was some
fights going on and this kid who was a wrestler
was fighting this
other guy who was a kickboxer from italy
and he lives in america
but there were
chant usa usa
and i was like really kentucky
mike that guy lives in miami
we’re all immigrants
everyone in this fucking country
descended from immigrants
no one was here
10 000 years ago it was all ice you fuck
that’s the whole deal with america
this guy actually lives here and you’re yelling usa
and people were like saying like
there’s nothing
wrong with patriotism and
you’re enforcing your beliefs on
other people i’m like no i’m making fun of shit
i think it’s
stupid you know
you’re being
colored commentary
silly you’re yelling at usa what you just
watch these guys for
their goddamn technique
and their courage
and what the fuck they’re trying to accomplish
and the difficulty
of the task is a
great goddamn
fight between this all american wrestler
who beat phil
davis and ryan
badass badass fucking wrestler
and this italian
kickbox who’s trying to get his ground game together
a great fucking
fight and these dildos usa
usa spit all over the back of the person’s head in
front of them this
dumb fucking
mouth breeding cocksuckers
you know and they get mad at you for being
upset at it how else did you feel about that
your time over in kentucky because i
grew up around there and
going through kentucky
was always a fun time
louisville is
great dude louisville
is a great city
yeah the comedy club is fucking fantastic
the people there are super cool
the people that worked there were
super cool it’s like
it’s got this
weird southern
sort of the bite like almost hippie
thing going on there’s like a lot of like
young people there
there’s a lot of
like open minded people there and there’s a lot of old
money and then there’s a lot of ghetto
yeah so it’s this
weird combination of shit
no not lexi not
louisville really
louisville’s old
money it’s like it’s a rare part of the south
where it’s like there’s a lot of
really established
social clans and groups and
socialites a lot of
money like really old
money down there
but a lot of educated people too
but they’re on that show the
first 48 they’re on that show all the time
oh yeah it was getting
jacked and louisville
you know i got
i got you you
verse or that
show shows real dead
bodies that’s so creepy that’s dark
i watch isn’t it
weird that you can show
you know anybody getting shot in a movie
but you can’t show people really fucking yeah
it’s amazing or like a a
woman experiencing
sexual pleasure it’s like
okay if it’s like the dude going oh
but like not can of a guy
can have a girl having an orgasm it’s very
not done yeah
right does it ever happen
yeah you never you
never see like the girl coming
it’s always no
even if it’s the guy
like even like
when howard
started the
private parts and the girls like on the speaker
like having an orgasm
howard was making the noises and
stuff i remember that was so
shocking when that came out like that was so
yeah when that
movie came out fuck yeah that was hot
when she’s sitting on the
speaker and he’s going
microphone she’s going
yeah that was
that was cool
that’s interesting that it’s not
thought of as being very important if you come
because it’s all leftover barbarian
shit and we used to hold you down by your hair and just
shoot a load in you and run away oh
that’s what it is
that’s how people made babies back then
that’s gross
it is gross
but it’s the reason why men are
stronger than women why aren’t you strong too
you’re not strong too so we can rape you easier
it’s really that simple
there’s no logical
reason why you wouldn’t be like oh my god made me tall
we’re stronger to fight off
other men that wanna fuck you and kill the babies
that’s what we’re strong for that’s totally right we’re
strong to rape you and to fight off other men it’s
you’re supposed to
know why she
would be strong too
why aren’t you
strong too those
guys wrestle each
other so they get all out of their system
instead of trying to
rape me this
is shit that academics haven’t even considered yo
that haven’t even looked into this
so deeply they’re scared because of
social constructs
all right we had
ra shafir on his podcast had a
guest that was addicted to
going to bathhouses or i mean massage parlors
to get laid did
he say his name no no no all right
did you have
a mom with a mask on yeah the spider man mask on oh
yeah dude i almost said his name yeah i know yes
but anyways
that was close
sorry this is live
maybe we should consider not having this live
even charlie sheen edits a shit
uh but so anyways
he i never knew like i always
heard the the hand job thing
where they said they say hand jobs but he was talking
about how there’s
places here in la many places
that he can get
just like fucking full on hooker sex what and he says
he’s gotten to the
point where he has
places that has favorite
places with his favorite he’s like
yeah this is like an la 10 at this one
place wow and it’s 150
and you just fucking there sit there and fuck
after you do a 15
minute massage
whoa and he
says i even
bring out the
women so they
can look like the
bunny ranch
where they all come
and say hi and
stuff like that
at massage parlor
is there a thing
where you can
get you a massage part of your
sex massage at the end
cause i think that
would be like more
relaxing yeah
right there comes
the wine down they give you a
legit massage and then they jerk you off at the end i
would take the massage at the end though the
crazy thing is i just really
yeah fast out the gate
and then i get
the wine down oh i see yeah
so you would go wow that’s interesting
for a guy i
think is the opposite
right give me the massage first
and then beat me off
don’t be yeah yeah
cause after you beat me off i just
wanna go away
yeah i’m done see ya
i don’t mean to massage that’s good i feel good
i’m loose you gotta go
when men have an orgasm there’s
a fucking instinctive
need that you have to overcome to just run
like you come
just get away
true in real life fuck the movies
in real life
when a guy comes i’m telling you he wants to run away
i mean you want to stay if you love your wife or your
girlfriend and
you you know you have this relationship together but
if you don’t if you don’t know each
other that well
and i’ll send you fucking like get me out of here
what have i done
i like to snuggle
snuggle sometimes
sometimes if you really love
but there’s a lot of times when you’re not
there’s a lot of times when you just want to run
especially if you’re
drinking you’re
drinking and
you know that somehow know you’ve had the alcohol
and your penis
to talk you into some unreasonable situation
and then as soon as you orgasm
that it just becomes
clear what the fuck happened
and then you want to run away
get me out of here
so what i’m trying to say is
it’s way better to get the massage first okay
he loosen you up then jerk off
you like we’re done we’re done here we’re done
thank you he also said that
how he got an
escort once and he was in this weird
like small town it was like
three o’clock in the morning and
he only had two options and like on the internet you
found like their websites
and one the
lady was already out doing something else but the
other one you
know like it
would show her eyes only
and then it will
show like her
leg or something like that because it couldn’t show the
whole thing
and so he’s like fuck it i
might do this and she had a really nice or
seemed really nice on the
phone or stuff
then she comes over
and it was like
she just had
stab wounds
her teeth were all fucked up and her
voice sound like pj stansberry
was like hey
come over here and
stuff like that
and he said it was so bad that
he would felt like
it was impossible to fuck this girl so then he goes
yeah i have this
thing that i like to do it’s where
you give me a blowjob i put a
blanket over you
while i watch porn
and she’s like all
right you know
and then afterwards she’s like do you mind if
i finish myself up you got me all hot and bothered and
so she just
puts one leg up over on and just
starts fucking masturbating oh
it’s called skeptic tank 2
ari shafir skeptic tank 2
death squad
i guess but listen to that
that’s so sad
i have a friend that has been addicted to going to
those massage polish forever and he’s
never had a
girlfriend as long as i’ve known him
yeah i’ve done him for
more than ten years
and more than ten years that i’ve known him
all this guy does
is he’s not a very good looking guy
and he’s not
built very well and he went bald really
young in life and he’s
never been successful
and just has
a real hard time he gets real nervous around chicks
so he just goes these
asian massage
places he just gets
whacked off
all the time yeah so a good percentage of like
it doesn’t make a lot of money
so the good percentage of what this guy makes
every week goes just getting
whacked off
and like he takes them out on dates sometimes
he was talking to me
about it once we’re playing pool and he’s talking to me
about it’s like
yeah well you know i’m taking her on a date this friday
what you gonna
okay all right
so like don’t
judge him joe i’m no no i’m saying do you
think is she
gonna be your boyfriend are you
gonna be her boyfriend like what’s what’s going on
like you guys gonna
yeah i’ll be a good romantic comedy
right there
wax off dudes all day
and then fall in
love with your
i felt like
this i felt like what
the way he was telling me it was almost like he had
talked her into doing it because
she didn’t want to lose him as a customer you know
times are tough
you know when you get that steady
700 a week coming from one dude
you know when you
think about it
yeah he just do it himself like
every other day or something yeah
couldn’t he
just fucking find a fat
chick with a mustache and just be like look
we can fuck each
other once a week
but i have to get really
drunk every time i do it
this is like okay
you can get jerked up by cute
asian girls what are you talking about
yeah he’s already
plateaued higher
his horizon
you don’t understand
human nature son
you’re talking some unrealistic nonsense
doesn’t work that way right anna
that’s right joe
back to you
and the traffic
today is sponsored by the
flashlights you totally can be like we’re looking for
entertainment tonight
right now we got you as a comic
and we got cam
yeah like cam
mary hart gotta
light my legs real nice oh that’s
right light
her legs up grease them up do they
she had a leg greaser for sometimes that seemed like
sometimes it
would go like mary
hart’s legs were just like greasy like she just had
banana oil all over her and shit like that
yes isn’t that
funny man oh my gosh well we’re
gonna have our own show
does that make
sense to you
being being a
woman being a
woman sing like men
like freaking out
about body parts
and seeing like that’s all you need like sell a car
and some woman with
slinky legs that like folds them over and gets in the
front seat yeah
everybody wants to buy that fucking cadillac
there’s pussy in that car
this is some
crazy what is
it like though to be a professional
woman like that to be a professional
sex symbol like dudes are
they look at you
and 99 of them
are thinking
about sex they’re
thinking about sex
that you’ve had
and what you’re selling if i
wasn’t in the business i’m in
i feel like
people would probably look at me that way anyway
no really yeah wasn’t
because i’m always
like i’m trying to talk it out with my co workers and
stuff and i’m like
i think this
guy just wants to fuck me because i’m a porn star
and then like manuel ferrari
looks at me and goes
no idiot they
wanna fuck you
cause you’re hot
and i’m like oh okay yeah
i mean anyone can
make up whatever backstory even if they’ve seen like
a digital image on
their computer or not people can
like when you see a hot girl you are have whole
your imaginations are run wild if i worked with you at
bath and body works i
would want to fuck you the
whole time i was at
body works exactly why
would i work at yeah
i am not myself
i’ve just this is information that i’ve acquired no
there’s nothing
wrong with it
what you said you’re being honest but it is honest
it’s also very
possible that he wanted to fuck you because he
saw you fuck people on film
right you know i’ve
never watched
oh i’ve watched her fuck
one time on film now
that’s fine
yeah i was just
i mean you can because
it’s not just like you have to stop looking at me
naked because we’re friends now it’s
just not the way that it goes that’s funny
there’s no social
taboo between you
watching porn
that i’m in just because we’re friends a lot of
people that i find in
porn it’s kind of strange there’s lines that they draw
you know there’s
very distinct lines like i remember this couple
that i met we were doing
the man show and this couple came on they were talking
about how they’re allowed to fuck
other people
while they work they’re both in porn
but then off work
you’re not allowed to just go
randomly fuck people right
i was like wow that’s a
that’s a weird distinction
like how do you how do you figure that one out
like you’re okay with them fucking whoever at work
but that was the
other thing
like one guy was on the set
and his girlfriend
started sucking
this guy’s dick when the camera wasn’t running
he’s like hey what the fuck
and he got all mad that’s
weird how crazy is that
i think that’s
weird how crazy is that
he’s like i work fucking you guys aren’t even filming
and she’s just sucking his dick
what what’s up what’s up i’ve actually
i’ve worked with people and have the same kind of
thing where it’s like
they can do whatever they want on camera but
the guy has to like
stroke himself
and he’s like getting
ready to go like the girl can’t help because it’s like
against their
it’s like maybe they
might be the same people i don’t know isn’t that
crazy but yeah
they’re socially monogamous
they have a rule
they have there’s a line that you draw well
i you’re allowed to fuck i used
to date a guy in the business
and outside of work we didn’t fuck around or whatever
no and he did some
things that i
found were questionable and
he was like there’s
a camera in the room and i was like you’re a fuck
that’s fucked up
that’s not the same
thing right
oh that’s hilarious yeah
just like one
doesn’t count no no
but i mean it just
your boundaries are your own and it
doesn’t matter
what you do for a living just because you’re a comedian
doesn’t like
no one’s allowed to tell jokes in my
house besides me
that’s just not the way that life works
you if you have a
like some kind of contract like
marriage or
you’re with
somebody and you say okay well we live together now so
like i don’t want you
sleeping with
other people even though i do porn for living
do you know
i’m saying it just because
that’s what you’ve arranged between the two of you
that’s a weird
thing though why arrange anything why why
make something that someone can’t do if you’re
allowing the most sacred
of sacred things
you’re allowing this person to fuck
other people
right on on film
why not just
allow to be themselves
why put any
boundaries just here come here at night and
and this is
where we live i don’t know
cause i don’t know if
sex is not that sacred to some people
maybe cause maybe like
the people that i work with
they don’t have my address
you know what i mean and
maybe that’s a little bit more my
privacy and my security
is more sacred to me than
the actual physical act of
sex that’s true
yeah that’s true it’s like pleasure is like
would you get mad
every time you masturbated to the
video or you know
no what i’m saying is why put a
boundary on it though
why put a boundary
and not necessarily i see what you’re saying
people are like letting
people with their
virgo and they’re just you
know they want
things to be a certain way
you know so they can be in
their realm of
confidence let
people do what the fuck they want to do
and find someone
who you’re compatible with instead of trying to
morph someone to your
expectations
that’s the number one problem with relationships
yeah people find people that are
incompatible with them and they try to make them fit
and it doesn’t fucking work that way
right one person’s a control
freak and the
other person’s anal
what if they don’t
what if they don’t want to do the
thing that they’ve agreed that they don’t
want to do you know like isn’t that compatible what
they’ve agreed
you had so many
negatives in there
sorry he took you down
to that level
what if their compatibility lies that they both
for what reason or another
think it’s okay to do porn but
outside of work they
agree to sleep with
only each other and if
they come to that together that’s
definitely a compatibility
sure yeah good
point yeah if they’re all
agree if they both are
happy and it’s not based
on necessarily judgment
or whatever it’s just
i’m not saying there’s anything
wrong with it i’m just saying it’s an odd
thing that you don’t have a boundary
on someone fucking people on camera
but you do have a
boundary with them doing it for pleasure
on their own right
with another person
because that
might be a motion
of what art is or what
right and it’s
also because
it’s understood when
you’re talking
about that right
exactly porn is acting
and athleticism
athleticism
is that what
they’re calling ass fucking
these days you
should spider
monkey i’m a
crazy person
and you know and it’s not comfortable
it’s it’s not for you it’s for the camera
it’s you know
and it’s hard to do something that does not feel good
and act like you feel
like it feels good to you
like you literally
get fuck sideways sometimes it really fucking hurts
do you ever
stretch it out before
shoots yeah i
do butt plugs and
stuff like that what is it
i don’t need to i have like a huge butt
right buttholes
humongous oh
is it easy for you to poop
is it easy for you to poop faster never poop
like can you just sit down and take care of it in like
three seconds and then just launch it down there
like spores coming off a mushroom
like a dandelion yeah
t shirt launcher
yeah yeah you have to have an airtight toilet
just have an airtight toilet she puts her
squeezes her legs together and covers her
snatch with her hands so that
shit doesn’t blast out through the bottom of her legs
oh my god it just blows out like a broken fire
just blame she’s hanging on
she has to take a shower every time she shits
this is the back of her legs looks like she went
skidding down a muddy hill
there’s no containing your shit oh my god
your assholes
like the lincoln tunnel
one man rose to dan
and darman it looks like
it looks like the back of
it looks like the back of your
shirt when it’s raining
outside and you’re on your bike and the mud is skidded
up the back of your shirt
you’re so immature
i’m laughing because i’m disgusted
not because
it’s hilarious i’m discussing it myself as well
it’s horrible so
no i know so
the but you’re not
you’re not into butt sex in real life and just
yeah i mean i am i
am are you good at sex in real life like is it the same
is it the same are you pretty i don’t
think i’m better on film
because i like to exaggerate my movement right
why don’t you do that in real life lazy bitch
are you very
stationary are you like i’m only on the top i like
to be held down and like smushed are you serious
down into tempur pedic bed yeah yeah well hey i got one
a little bit yeah makes sense
no not really
does it make sense
naturally genetically
you need a strong man to turn you on like being
you want to feel that if this guy
wanted to take it he could take it
sure that’s what it is it’s natural you’re big girl
not bad not in a bad way you are a good specimen
if you wanted to make warrior children you
would be a good specimen i
would warrior children with flexible buttholes
you have the perfect dna for it yes
is it hard to be to date people as a pornstar do
you find or is it like more of a challenge do you think
it depends on the person i
dated a guy a couple years ago and
when we met
like he knew what i did and
stuff like that
and i did not want to be involved with him and then
we started sleeping together
after a really
long time we kind of like warmed me down a little bit
and then after this
it was like kind of fucked up
we weren’t off to a good
start i’ll admit but you know i get
bored too so
after we had like started
dating or fucking
fucking and dating
he then like
looked at porn that i was in
and decided that he wanted to be a spaz
about it and be like i don’t know like knowing you do
those types of
things i don’t know and i’m like yeah you already
knew but now you want to be bothered because you’re a
drama queen
has nothing to do with what i do
it’s just that
you know the feelings were
feelings were
feelings were
also feelings were also getting you know
starting now before it was like zero feelings i just
wanna fuck you now it’s
starting to cut like love gets involved you know i
think that’s probably
natural but
the whole process of wearing me down is like i don’t
judge you like i think it’s
it’s like really
great because you’re really successful
and then i just
kind of like nose dived into like it’s ah
you do those
things i think
for a lot of men
it’s very important when
they meet a girl that they’re sexually attracted to
they want that girl to like them
and i think that is the root of a lot of bullshit
and the guys
don’t even realize they’re doing it it’s a genetic
thing it’s a
predisposition to wanting to be sexually attractive
and so they
start pretending to be someone who they’re not and then
they get into the relationship and then it’s a couple
months in and they’re
relaxed and comfortable and they’re like
why am i with this
crazy bitch
i’m not even into this and
yeah yeah it’s like
there’s a lot
of dudes that are just trying to put it together
like they don’t have the luxury
of like actually being honest
and trying to like meet someone that they actually like
they’re so caught up in the game of trying to fuck a
chick so difficult for them
that when they
finally get one they tackle or they get it in there
they’re like
got one good
okay what did i pretend to be doing to do this
i’m not a fucking
vegan i want a
steak shit yeah
wearing yoga
beads and stuff oh
there’s two
you know that’s hilarious
they meet a girl that’s willing to fuck them like once
every couple
months and they got to work hard to take it down keep
it going yeah keep
going so they
pretend to be someone they’re not i don’t know like
spinning plates just sex
each big deal
different lie what
we do together is love
that’s just a
movie you’re making
oh yeah that same
drama guy he was like
yeah i was like
being really depressed or something like that and he
he like wanted to
lay it on me like you can’t live inside your own pain
and i love you and i was like
get the fuck out of that
i was like you’re
creeping me out you’re being
weird i don’t know
where you heard that shit get
the fuck out of
where you heard that
is something you in here that’s something you
think out that’s
nonsense yeah i was like you’re full of shit
get out never come
back the worst delete my
phone number sexually unattractive
thing ever is someone is full of shit yeah
it’s just so
gross people are full of shit like
oh god it’s such a
such a bummer
you know when you hear
someone say
some nonsense and then you have to mock them
and then they get mad at you for mocking
them and then it all fucking falls apart oh
i used to date this girl who used to
write poetry and it was nonsense
nonsense it
was i mean it was her form of expression but it was so
clearly affected and
fake and just designed to like
fucking fire off all the
rights and it was just so artificial
so clear so
clear that it was just a bullshit that she was slinging
it was so offensive are you a poetry
snob though
you like a high quality property
i love bukowski you know what i love
about bukowski
and you know i
mean it’s a lot of his stories are like really dark his
little poet but
it’s a fuck what that guy’s
thinking about for real
that is his real life that’s what he’s thinking
that’s all i require
of an artist what
inflames me is when i
think someone is trying to pretend to be someone else
whether it’s a
human or a singer
or a comedian
or an actor
i feel like you’re bullshitting me
i feel like you’re bullshitting me it’s offensive yeah
you know you
treated me your fucking
crazy poetry hooker
insulting to your intelligent
you’re mad at me that i’m
laughing at this nonsense
tell us a horror
story from doing porn what’s one
thing that sticks out just you fucking like you
just awful experience
did you ever like say okay
never again
i used to do a lot of
like bdsm stuff
where i was a sub
that is okay
explain that to everybody who’s not crazy
that’s so mean
pdsm most people don’t have any idea what that means
bonded well it’s like sadomasochism
sadamas s and m
sadomasochism
and when you say a sub
you were the one that they
torture and
submissive and dominant
bondage and
dominatrix some shit like that yeah it’s like a code
i don’t know whatever
right it’s like being in the army
when you talk about it
yeah it’s like
extreme things we try to invent little
shortenings of them oh yeah so
yeah it would be like electrocuted and entitled bondage
and like you know
hit with different where
your nipples
everywhere nipples like in your body with like the
pads my pussy inside
my butthole oh my god like
while in like very strict bondage and stuff oh my
god whoa whoa whoa it’s very challenging you know
and it was something that was really
legitimately interesting
when i was in my early 20s and
it’s something that i thought that maybe
you know so i consider myself to be
kind of a tough person and i felt like
if i met these challenges it would
prove how tough i was
god damn yeah i don’t know shit
you got electrocuted inside your butthole yeah
what percentage of the population has ever been
electrocuted inside their but i don’t
know i mean they produce
like the tens units and i mean they’re sold like as
medical equipment
stuff like that
i’m sure fair amount of people have gotten
their hands on them you know
and so when you get your i don’t know the
i don’t have
the numbers what’s the
first thing you do you said well let me
stick this thing in my ass well there’s
bitch on see what’s up
was that nine volt battery on your asshole
well those people
are into like
sounding and sounding
like put a pitchfork
in your urethra
right when you’re
about to come
stick that nine volt
up your ass oh shit
get like iron man loads
i don’t think it works that way joe
you don’t know though oh
i think i do
it makes modem
sounds yeah a penis
it might make the guy shoot
longer loads if you
electrocute
his bottle i
think i’ve had more
experience with more
penises than you
what do you
got whoa whoa
you don’t know that there’s no
i’m more than willing to
submit to you on this yeah
i’m alphaing the entire room no me huh
so how long did this whole session take where they’re
electrocuting your vagina and your asshole oh man
it was a first site called wired pussy
calm and you do wired pussy wired
so it’s all electrocuting pussies there’s a site
it’s like it’s like
female on female subdom
and they electrocut each other’s pussies and they
play games like who can take the most electricity
or they’ll chase blindfolded and partially tied up
women around with a cattle prod
that makes noise and you could either
go toward it or away from the
sound but if you go away from the sound
just when i thought i reached
the bottom of the darkness
yeah no that’s like just
electrocute your pussy that’s where i
started have
you ever had your pee hole fucked whoa
have you ever seen
that ryan you’ve seen that what we talked
about this before yeah
there’s videos out there of guys fucking girls my
heels like really
small and it stretches just like your asshole i can’t
no i’m very sensitive in
oh my god really
don’t don’t say
never you gotta reach goals you gotta build
that one that’s fine
brian like modifying my body i went through a
phase of like piercing and
stuff like that when i was younger you have some
tattoo above the cookie
i do but i’m
having it removed and that is so fucking painful is
it really worse than any like butthole
execution i’ve ever gotten really
laser tattoo removal
is so painful
it like agitates the
ink molecule in your skin and makes it explode
and with each
treatment it gets
smaller and
smaller and
it metabolizes out of your body
right you have to wait a couple
months in between sessions just like
long enough that you
could forget how
much fucking pain you are in
you have to go and do it again
fuck that i’m just keeping waterfalls
just keeping
i got an old
tattoo on my
shoulder that i wanna
it’s around my
belly bleeding
i got a sleeve that i’m doing on my right arm
and i have an old
tattoo up here that i have to get removed you
gotta cover off
just just get
black really
big black box
but it’s just
black flag tattoo
how much how much
worse is it than the actual
tattooing it’s so much
worse cause you have to go like
twenty times
really and it’s like
and it’s like a just like a fairy
uh it’s like you
could feel like the impact of the laser
going into your skin
it feels like
being snapped with a rubber band really hard
it instantly burns and it makes your skin
swell up and
not when you get a
tattoo that kind of scratches the surface of your skin
when you get
lasered it’s like affecting the
color inside your skin so the
blood kind of seeps out like a sponge
yo i’m gonna wait
10 years i’m
gonna wait for the
technology to get a
little bit better
here you just turn me the fuck off to that
laser tattoo
don’t do it i’m thinking
about cooking my arm like that i’m like what am i doing
you could damage your skin
right no i mean it’s safe it
doesn’t scar
no that’s the
purpose of it being such a long slow process i mean you
could just cut it off if you wanted to
but i wouldn’t say that that’s the best idea ever
so let me ask you this if
wiredpussy com calls you
up next week and says hey we’re looking to do a shoot
are you done with that
yeah yeah i
would top i’ve gotten back
to be the dom
into torture
girls and torture
girls because i feel like i can confidently say i know
what i’m doing and i
wouldn’t do something to somebody else that i
haven’t had done to myself yeah
but look at what you’ve done to yourself i know what
it looks like
i know and if they’re not a badass
bitch like me then they don’t get to fuck me
would you ever do fart porn
yeah i fart all the time in my
movies in your
movies it’s just
like when you get fucked in the
ass like your butt is open and gaping is like the big
thing where they want to see
inc they want to
see your lore
colon they want to see it all nature
like yeah i don’t know
i don’t know why people like it they just do
and i you know and just whatever so like the air goes
into your chasm
and then you have to kind of fart it out
it’s not like i fart like i’m eating a
can of beans like a hobo and right
right like my farts
have you accidentally ever
sprayed no no i
think i’ve accidentally peed on people
at work and then be like i’m
squirting or whatever and
i don’t know what is
squirting exactly
is it really
when in the
movies were girls like
shooting all
right that’s
obviously you can see it coming out of her pee hole
right i’m assuming that a lot of people that
watch these
movies don’t know what
a vagina looks like or anything
and they don’t know that
where all the liquid
shooting out of the girls
vagina area or
her love zone
or whatever
nerds call it
but isn’t a
keyhole hey
but hold on a second
because that’s
where it would come out anyway because isn’t a pee hole
like literally when a
woman gets testosterone
treatment to become a man
her clit grows
to become like a
small penis
pussy boner and that the
penis is obviously
where any sexual ejaculate
would come out of
so of course it’s
gonna come out of
where you pee
i don’t really know what is it
is it real i mean this is like
i used to date
a girl that fucking juiced on me and it was like in my
belly button like a
puddle and it was not
it wasn’t pee though it was just it was like a broth
when the woman’s
vagina gets moist it’s not dripping
out of her pee hole it’s coming from inside i don’t
think this is moistening it’s not lubricant
that’s what
squirting is supposed to be
and when you
see it coming out of the pee hole
it’s p well
yeah but i think that it was supposed and a lot of
times we see like
this spider man
like trick that they do
when they like finger the
pussy and they like press
like on the outside spider man so you do
like when spider
man shoot his web
yeah this is like the
axel bronze
method i watched instructional
videos and i was like what are they doing
and they’re
basically just
like pushing on the bladder
and just forcing pee to come out
jesus christ what yeah
i mean that’s
exactly what it is like if you had to
force pee out of somebody that’s exactly how you
would do it
so that’s what all that
spraying is so there is yeah so girls are
spraying on dudes they’re pissing all over them
yeah unless they have like an extra
juicy g spot or something like that like i’m not
gonna say like i’m not
going to say
female ejaculations
and myth because i’m not a doctor and i can’t say that
i mean and you know
pussies get wet and some pussies are wetter than
others yeah
we’re talking to an
expert here dan de armon here live in
the not a doctor not a doctor colin now can you put can
you put a condom on a dick with just putting it in your
mouth and doing that trick i
know i cannot
even remember the last time i used a condom god damn
do you ever
worry about diseases
no i get tested
every three weeks yeah
so how do you keep
clean when you’re
because everybody
gets tested every
three weeks
right then you have
three weeks for a pornstar though
jesus christ
how many you don’t
do like sorry
dicks can you be exposed to well
like i worked with mark wood
twice last week so it’s like
the same same
winner same
same winner same week
you guys develop like a relationship when you have like
oh yeah on screen
yeah i mean
i i think the people i work with
are cool it’s not like i’m like oh like i’m so super
horny for you let’s do
things after this how
many of them like
he’s married
to francesca lay
you know they’re fucking awesome
and i know both of them i worked with both of them
how many of
the dudes that are in porn wanted to do mainstream
things but couldn’t
make it and have like some sort of a
weird thing
where they i don’t know
it seems to
be like a lot of guys are musicians
and they’re all like
trying to get together like a band with all the
other dudes because
sling and dick
they should call it
that’d be a badass name for a band
swinging dick
sling and dick but i don’t
maybe i’m a
i don’t know
maybe i’m just like oh i’m at work i’m doing my work
things but i didn’t really ask people too much
about their problems have you ever
worked with
tyler knight
yeah tyler’s a very good friend of mine
we were actually just both on star trek the next
generation oh really a triple x parity
digital 7 nice
and revolution x
coming soon and i was like a bitch and
he was jordi
yeah and i was she’s a huge
star trek fan i’m a nerd
i was stoked
i called my dad
and i was like i’m reading for the part of ensign roe
for the star trek parody
and he was like that’s so cool
and i was like no dad if i don’t get this part i’ll die
like super seriously like no i need
this has to be my part or i’m
freaking out
tyler is a friend of mine from jujitsu and
he’s a really good writer
have you ever read any of his stuff
no he’s got a blog online
and he’s smart
but he’s very
smart he’s such a
cool guy and he’s
smart and he’s very polite yeah
he’s very well
spoken he was on the podcast
we had him on and he’s
a very he’s
a fascinating dude but i already knew that from
talking to him at
jiu jitsu and
stuff but his writing is cool
great really interesting stuff and
his writings
about the porn business
he’s got this one
story that he wrote
about a gang bang
that is just like you fucking feel the loads on the
floor like as you’re reading it
you feel like the
sticky room you feel the heat of all
these guys behind me does a
masterful job
of describing this fucking incredibly gonzo bizarre
film that they’re doing there that you get paid
fifty bucks
and you wait in line you’re like one of a hundred guys
waiting to you know you’re jerking yourself
off as you’re getting up to this girl who’s just
covered in loads
there’s loads all over the ground
everywhere you walk there’s loads wet
it’s just like
slippery and wet
you’re stepping
ecom everywhere
it just loads
everywhere you go i’ve
never done one of
those there’s little signs that say
slippery when wet that they have to put up around the
woman yeah i got arrested
that would be awesome
who was the
first person to do that was it houston
was she the
first or the
woman i was born i
have no idea
it was probably before i was born
because the numbers
just keep going up
you know at one
point in time it was like the most people the
asian woman i
think she had sex with like 200
sex annabella chong
and she’s got
a fascinating documentary and like you
she’s very intelligent
she’s very unusual
she was i think she was a student at
ucla i might be wrong ucla
or usc but she was like she’s an intelligent person
and she just had this
weird desire to test the
boundaries of her
acceptable sexuality by
doing a gangbang film
but it was really interesting
it was because it was
you know they really like got into like her
psychology and who she is like that is a
complex sort of a fucking case
where this woman
wants to experience the
ultimate taboo
you know my
agent called me one time
and he was like what’s the most number of cock fuel
suck and one
like one time and i
was like i don’t fucking care you know and he was like
no how about eleven
i was like fine like what difference does it make if i
fuck eleven dudes
in the same day or
in pairs of
you know ones twos and
threes on well
i just imagine
after like the
third or fourth
giant black cock your numb
lips would start to get numb
in your head though is 11 cock
days that because you’re
like the same amount of time when you stretch your
mouth a little
like that shit would
that seems like it
would make your lips numb
yeah huge mouth
i do have a huge
mouth it’s good for my career comes in handy
now did you know that
you wanted to be a porn star when you were younger is
this no i i did am
actually did like part of this as like a bit
with the midnight
show go guys they did this is your life bob gucci oni
this is the midnight show guys was yeah you see be
okay you know how how
about nick and stuff and
i was like oh this is your life bob
guccioni and i come out and i’m like oh
i’ve been such a big fan of you for forever and stuff
because when i was
like in the first grade probably six years old i
found a stack of playboy magazines that were
in the woods
no they were my
uncles my uncle stayed with us part time
no there was out
there were just like out in his room
and i remember i took
i took one of those magazines to
school to first grade and i was like sure
this is what a naked lady looks like
you know i was like such a boy i was such a tomboy
when i was that age but i but even then i was like
this is like what a sexy lady looks like and
i want to grow up and this is you know
i want to turn out like this a sexy lady
like that’s kind of like that appealed to me
i thought wow
she’s gorgeous she’s all made up she’s you know
pretty and naked and thin
nice boobs you know and i was like
yeah that like really appealed to me were you attracted
to girls before you
started doing
movies yeah
and i also thought like
if i don’t turn out to be
this i had like a fail safe in my
brain i was like if i don’t turn out to be a sexy lady
i would at least want to be with one
like have one like as my
girlfriend or like just
you know be
in the presence
of that because it was appealing to me and i
found it attractive
hmm i’m a gay
i came on your show
because i want to say that i’m out
i have a big
pussy boner and i have a pussy boner
and they take it
so how did you get into your first film
how did it yeah
how long you
been doing this i shoot seven years seven years 24 when
i got in i’ll be 32 and what were you doing before that
i was a stripper
i was a drunk stripper too
the best kind and how
did someone approach you and say i like the way you
dance no absolutely not no actually
quit drinking
i think i already told this
story on your show
maybe i quit
drinking and i got
fired from being a stripper
and i had been
thinking about
applying to this porn site because
it had fucking machines on it
and this is
how i got into the business fucking machines
just of sure like
morbid curiosity
of fucking a robot
and just really thinking
about it i just like
masturbate in the shower and like
but fucking a
robot and fucking a
robot on the internet i
heard it too totally and i
heard it’s awful
by the way what was your
experience like fucking a machine i
had a lot of fun really
let’s talk to girls as fuck
robots i actually talked
about it today no joke
really this
comes up all the time for brian
this is like
hilarious you just have that face
that people feel like they can approach you and talk
about fucking
robots yeah
who seems like the guy
guy would be in it
you’re really kind of into nerdy
things just have one of
those faces
so yeah i just
ended up applying
to that site and that’s how i got to do all the bondage
stuff is because it’s same company ran hog tied and
wired pussy and
all these whole
and they even have a female
wrestling say
ultimate surrender
where they have women
wrestling they
they got the
market cornered on kinky pain shit
yeah absolutely
what a weird business
the armory up in san francisco they it’s
basically a castle
you know what
i saw that online or on a
television show rather there was some sort of an expose
on it about how much
money they make and how big
their business is huge
enormous but they also
they really improve that neighborhood they give back to
their community they do a lot of
stuff you know
they they open their
drill court
to you know
when they have parades and shit
like people can set up their
floats they open
their private business
to the community to do
things or have swap meets inside there
it’s not like it’s like a
crazy jungle of
naked people running around and like fucking
like doing things in
studios there
are people in
offices like on computers san francisco is a
place where that
would be accepted san francisco’s
in my opinion is the most
open minded city in the
whole country you’d be surprised they were in the wall
street journal talking about like
people are there
we know there’s people fucking in there and
what doesn’t
matter there’s always
gonna be some people like that
you have kids
your neighbors that were
where do you
think their neighbors came from the amount of
people that
would support it
would be much larger in san
francisco than anywhere else of course you’re always
gonna come across people that are very
vocal that want to
fight something
but all in all
san francisco is the most open minded city
i think in the
whole country hmm
we should do a
study on that
i mean could you imagine that happening in chicago
where there’s a
whole block
filled with you know people that are
tying people up and fucking them with rubber
robots and shit
you know that
can only take
place in like san francisco you
i don’t think there’s any
other place
that would accept something like that new york
maybe i mean it seems like new york has a lot of
fucking at the bondage clubs new york and la
would be the only
other options i
think and i
think they’d be met with a lot more resistance in
new york la
anywhere berlin
budapest i was in
berlin and i turned on the television and
no not berlin
over housing over housing
i turned on the
television and there was a gang bang on tv
just a full on gang bang
let’s just no warning just
flipping through the channels
and the yeah there’s
ten people fucking in a room like wow this is wild
like they have a totally different attitude
about it they just show the shit on
television it’s pretty intense
what are you doing there
brian i just
looked at the basis for alice in
chains died what
when of what mike starr
i don’t know him
so you don’t care yeah
fuck him he was on celebrity rehab
i don’t know
if you remember him yeah
yeah looks like they
found his body in salt lake city comes
on charlie sheen lives winning
still alive
barely doesn’t have
tiger blood
i don’t know he’s
never done his
dna he’s not a
freaking rock star from mars
well i guess that guy probably didn’t have to pay girls
thirty thousand dollars to have sex with him either
he’s probably has he’s got a lot of
money shit i don’t
know he’s a rockstar
trades thing is
charlie so not
like a doughy
like slippery
sweaty guy with five kids
is that what
i see when i
see charlie
sheen i would rather fuck a rock
star than like somebody has fucking five kids well the
crazy thing is that
charlie sheen calls himself a rock star but he’s on
this i like
forgot that he wasn’t dead
for like the longest
he’s on this completely
family sitcom
you know i mean it’s like this really bland
you know kind of
walk you know it’s no edge to it the
eggs like really vanilla
you know and
yet it’s the
number one comedy for some reason i talked to my friend
today and he
watches it every week and i’m like really you
watch that show and you go
there’s like a fat kid
charlie sheen and
like a gay guy yeah yeah but he’s like well it’s like
the exact same show
every week you know it’s like the same premise
every week but he’s like
it’s one of
those shows you
could just kind of
watch and it’s
easy to watch
it’s smooth
and smooth and it’s
funny enough
well you know what man i mean reality
television has
proven that you don’t really need to be that
funny to get people to
watch it you just need to people
it needs to come a part of
their everyday existence
they get like let’s see what’s
going on ice road truckers
shit the boys are on a
slippery road again
again becomes
ice road truckers
there’s a show
about slippery roads i mean
if that can
exist you can have a show
about anything
and a sitcom that’s like been around for a
while it’s fairly decent it’s got a few good
laughs in it
but i bet for charlie sheen is like
he’s smoking coke
and banging
horse and then he’s
going and doing this
super bland
television show i bet that
built up inside of him i bet that like made him go
more over the edge
well his character
his character
was pretty much himself though in that show i mean it
might have been a vanilla
show but he
still was a drunk
guy that just fucked a bunch of
chicks i mean it was like it wasn’t he wasn’t
really off his
road a little
no no no sure it was
what can he act fuck
yeah yeah you see
wall street
street yeah
this fucking ass
off he’s like in
that does he
yeah he’s at the office and he’s like oh yeah
he’s like the really hot god it’s in
trouble and the girls there with them yeah
she’s original
knows she’s all excited
about him yeah what was the
movie that charlie should have
kept that nose
right yeah that wasn’t a bad
news just that’s your nose hooker
what was the movie that
charlie sheen the hotshots he was in
scary movie part two
three or four
what was the movie that charlie played
sheen played himself but it played
like him like he was friends with the main character
anything at a john malkovich
yes john malkovich
that it was an awesome
cameo with him in it
you remember that no hardly
as far as i can tell he plays himself i think
yeah i don’t know charlie sheen
you see platoon
he’s a bad motherfucker i
haven’t seen that she wall
street it’s not bad
it’s very good
it’s all fucking good you know what holds up dude
silence of the lambs
holds the fuck yeah
i watched silence of lambs the
other night it’s a good goddamn
movie still it
still holds up
in the basket
yeah it’s good
man it’s it’s it’s well written it’s well
acting girl
dude fucking
anthony hopkins was a bad
motherfucker in that movie
still you know
he’s become like this guy who does like
these movies it suck he played
the wolfman’s dad
you know i mean the wolfman dad you
see that demon in
every movie
you didn’t see the wolfman did you
no but he was also in
super mario
brothers wasn’t he
he was in something fucking retarded even in the
wolfman even the wolfman
which is a terrible
movie he still
like has these
scenes these moments
where he’s just this
motherfucker he just he just doing crappy ass movies
but you go back to silence of lambs and you
realize what he’s capable of if he gets a good script
if he gets a good part
anthony hopkins just
smashes it out of the ballpark
in that movie
fucking smashes it dude
he’s so on like it
crackles like
it makes you nervous
for her while she’s talking to him like you fucking
believe 100
that dude has murder in his mind
when he’s talking
he’s talking to
anthony copkins is
fucking thinking
about eating her
he’s thinking
about cutting off
he’s allowing himself to go to some
crazy dark place
where he’s acting well you could tell
like that’s really what he’s fucking
thinking about man
he could turn it on
he can go to that dark
crazy psychotic
worst case scenario
human example
he can go there in his mind
that’s the difference man
just like comedy man it’s like
you have to really be fucking
thinking about what you’re saying
there’s not just the words and the
noises that represent certain
things to me
i gotta know that you’re thinking
about these
things as you’re saying them
you know and you that’s the difference between a
great performance
and a performance that’s just kind of mediocre and can
trick dummies
you know if someone’s
really nailing it
i told a 22 year old actor that just got here from la
i was like acting
is just pretending like you don’t know what you’re
gonna say next and he got so offended and he
ended up moving back to tennessee fuck you
can’t take the heat
stay out of the
kitchen bitch
right listen
if that’s all that set this fucking kid off
with some pornstar telling him that acting is fake
i boy said if
you can lie you can act and if you can lie to a crazy
girlfriend you can act
under pressure
it’s not that hard it’s just pretending
the hard thing is
auditions auditions are way harder
because you’re you have to
pretend that it’s happening when you’re in this really
unrealistic scenario yeah you’re sitting in this office
and there’s people in desk
chairs and they’re facing you with
paper in their hand they’re reading off the paper
and you’re responding
like it’s really like this is just
i’m good man
you like this is just too strange just
doesn’t it doesn’t ring real to me
i don’t really do well in
those types of scenarios
have you done any 3d
movies for real
yeah yeah i just did
three penthouse movies and
how do they
differ from like doing regular
movies do they make you do weird
angles like
you have to
spread your lips out towards the cameras
or something
well like when you disrobe or something you
have like sort
of throw your
clothes toward the camera
or kind of like
put one leg
off the bed
kind of tangling toward the camera or something so
what about when guys
shoot loads do they
shoot them at the camera
i don’t i don’t really notice i’m like
kind of like in the zone you
gotta be careful
of the filming
if you don’t have a pillow behind you you don’t want to
smash ahead
a headboard but the camera
has to be like
eight feet away for the 3d
effect to work
so you gotta
you gotta like
clearly you’ve
never seen very far
away you’ve
never seen the distance like what is it
about some dude what did some dudes eat like peter
north what does that guy eat to make so much sperm
it’s ridiculous
is that what it is
i gotta remember
my ex boyfriend told me also pc exercises like the
the muscle that you used to like stop your pee
oh right you know like a kegel like a
woman has a kegel muscle like
the pc muscle is what
guys have i guess
and apparently if you
just do that a lot
it can strengthen the muscle and you’ll
shoot further really yeah
i’m doing it
right now practice
it some people just
drink egg whites exercising it
right now egg
whites yeah they
think if it looks like loads loads will come out more
i’ve seen some
wives do it
yeah that’s probably like it’s
psychological man probably some
placebo effect
right it’s like the
secret but with loads
yes the secret
put it on your vision
board you believe
i’m gonna shoot
the longest load ever
who do you think is the furthest anyone’s ever
shoot a load
because i remember
hitting him myself in the face once
when i was 16
and being shocked
oh yeah when i pulled out
and you know my looking
i still do that i make it rain all the time like
a fucking why is this
squirting on my forehead you
know really far like what’s the first
anybody’s ever shot a load spider man
what is the furthest
is it even 5
feet i would be more right i
would say so i mean it depends if you have an arc
not what the
temperature
is like if there’s the headwind
yeah yeah it’s like
how long your dick is because you got like
you know some
giant dick john
holmes type dude we
had a massive advantage
yeah it’s got a six inch
reach advantage
it’s like john
jones but maybe
it loses some pressure
going through that long
mode dude i like
what you think
scientifically
i like that
but maybe a
shorter barrel
we’ll get more you got a lot make
sense right like a 38 special
but it seems like a
rifle would be much more accurate
right yeah here’s a
little tip by the way if you put a little bit of green
you put like
saint patty’s day
you know same
patty’s day this is awesome saint
patty’s they put a little bit of
green of food
coloring around
your dick before you have sex and when you
shoot out it actually is green
yeah that’s good and what
if you make a baby and it’s fucking looks like the hulk
the green baby
cause that guy
what if you ruin the baby what if it gets in the
spermatozoa
and the spermatozoa gets some
crazy green signal and
shoots it into the egg and somehow another kid becomes
green that would be fucking awesome what if it’s ever
happened before
i mean i mean if any
not that but
i mean if anybody’s ever like done something
where like the kid came out of
funky color because of that yeah
like i know i’m sure that people have probably been
tricked to think that
like maybe a
white woman having a half
black baby you
ever see yeah right
back in the old days
right look that’s the
story of jesus right i mean the
story of jesus most likely is it marries a whore
right yeah that’s the story of jesus
right immaculate conception
right come on bitch
what kind of
crazy shit is this but
back then the biblical days you just had to accept it
maybe she was raped by one of
those straws
maybe she wanted
yeah she dressing like that and
those fucking
robes i see
right bitch
see right but she had a
dirty ass too and back then you only live to be like
thirty you had to get your rapings in
while you could
oh my gosh this is horrible
you guys listen
you’ve had an electric charge inside your asshole
this is horrible
so is this conversation
yeah we’ve all agreed to be here
so these people have agreed to tune in
and i know two thousand
360 of them
right now are regretting
their choice oh you guys it’s cool
no it is cool that’s a lot of people
it’s actually
12 is gonna
be a lot more than that
one i forgot anyone was
watching this
right now you’ve done
other podcasts before
right you’ve done
some triplets you
do marins to
death squad
did marin i just did
the nerdist podcast
oh see what’s fascinating
about you is like as far as like
girls that are in your business you’re much more
known for your personality than any of the other ones
thanks and i
think a lot of it is
those videos that you do
you know yeah when you
break like the
adam sandler
video you breaking
things down yeah what else you
do you have a mailbag we read people’s
emails yeah when
myspace when myspace was before it was like just a spam
graveyard i
would get like this really
super heinous
hate mail that was so
just so many different levels of
wrong and rude and misspelled and
anguish and anguish
yeah just like really
mean like i hope you get fucking cancer in your
brain and dive aids
cause you’re a whore
and you should accept
jesus in your life and i’m just like that makes no
sense yeah right
jesus christ
would not fucking
waste his time to wish me dead of aids and cancer like
jesus christ to try to help you out you fuck yeah
how about you
dude ignorance
well there’s
a lot of that out there you
know when you’re allowed to be anonymous it’s a very
normal situation
it’s an unnatural situation in
human behavior
we’re supposed to like
we get rewards
and we get pleasure and we get
all this from interacting with each other
but when you’re interacting with each
other completely anonymously through wires and
it’s all ones and zeros you can
take them down a peg and say something really mean
dude i get that all day i get it
every day on twitter
there’s always some douchey dude who says something
and just block em
like i’m not i don’t have time
i’m not gonna
argue with you it’s not
like we can’t
spare followers you have 200
000 something i
have 37 000 something i mean it’s cool not
even that i
would rather have one
follows me that’s nice
that’s yeah 280
people want to be cunts
i would stop being on twitter
you know it’s
it’s fun though
the cool people way way way out number the shitheads
and like you get like really cool interact like last
night i wrote on twitter that that
charlie sheam was reminding me of hunter
s thompson the way he’s talking
and i said we were
right outside of barstow and the drugs
began to take hold
and then i got like
hundreds and hundreds of
tweets of people quoting hunter
s thompson lines
from the book
it was fucking
great it was really good
let’s get down to
brass tacks how much for the ape
and they just kid just kept coming over and over
again i’m like
this is fucking awesome like this is like
a really interesting
thing to interact with like minded
people there’s a
lot of smart people on the internet yes yeah
i have a message
board and i want you to be a part of it
because you
would fit in like a fucking
glove it’s a
great message
board and it’s all psychos and weirdos what’s
it called and you’re a moderator
board it’s on joe rugged
net we’ll make you a
i’ll make you a moderator for sure
we need more
women we only have a couple of
women moderators
got to make
sure that you know you can you can handle it at
first yeah you just can’t you can’t snap and go
crazy yeah you can’t
it’s not worth it but when people are douchebags
i send them to the retard room
i have two rooms i have like well one is like the main
the main forum
you can go to there’s a combat
sports forum
for like mma
stuff and then there’s
a regular forum
and then there’s a podcast forum
and then there’s special ed
and special
ed is if you’re a douchebag
if you act like a shithead
yeah you’re stupid
yeah you want to insult
people all the time for no reason get in the fucking
tart bin dummy
yeah but because
of that we’ve like established a pattern
and accepted like
levels of communication everybody’s really cool there
it’s a fascinating
fucking shit
yeah and fascinating fucking shit comes out of there
you know there’s so many interesting there’s a
story that i read on there the other day
about these new
fungi that they
found in the amazon rainforest
that turns ants into zombies
oh yeah it takes over the ant’s
brain ants are horrible anyway well
that’s why they’re there they’re there to keep the ant
population at bay this fungus
grows inside an ant’s body oh and it
drills into its head grows
right out of its
head it grows out of its head
after it’s dead yes
ant juice out of its and
it also causes
other ants to
cannibalize
they cannibalize each
other and there’s four different types of them
and then when one bullet ant will find that this
fungus has infected they will
kill it and take it deep into the woods deep into
the jungle that’s like they know what the fuck
is a fascinating
shit like on life narrated by oprah winfrey i
think was it really i
think that i
think that was
it was like the
generic version of planet earth
such a badass bitch
i was watch i
watch the oprah network
it’s fascinating to me
i watched it
every day yeah i got a
tv in my gym and i was working out in the gym i was on
watching oprah
and i was watching the oprah
network and i was
watching her
she was considering whether or not she
should have nadia
suemon on her show
whether they
should help her and
they decided to get someone
come on and help her financially no one
should help her
ever interesting though it’s interesting
listening to oprah
like how she talks
and how she thinks
like you get behind that
woman like she’s like
she really is all about
reaching out and helping people be the best person they
and they they can be and love
like that’s really what she’s into
it’s so easy to criticize her
it’s so like cliche she’s on tv all the time
you know it’s like
it’s she’s an easy target
but when you
look at like what she does like she is a bad
motherfucker yeah you know
oprah is like
legit like everyone
would hate the shit out of her if she wasn’t like
with the amount of
money that she has if she
was if she was like being like charlie sheen
is people would be like fuck you
you black as in bitch
i got this bitch in
rockstar life
yeah imagine if she was talking
about that rockstar
life i’m like a
freaking rockstar from mars
hang out with my friends
if anybody’s a rock star from mars it’s oprah
you know i mean
she has some man that’s just like in the
shadows and shuts his hole
that guy isn’t even talking less
spoken to stemon
sits around
waits he waits
three paces behind her
and he doesn’t say shit
unless she asks him a question
i bet oprah has
very big very loss
anymore they’re not together anymore i don’t
think they are yeah i don’t
think they are they’ll finally
force it out i
think that’s full
gale full gale
that’s the that’s the
rumor right that’s what’s up that’s cool
i mean that the odin
station has
like a bunch of gay friendly
stuff on it they had a
great show the
other day i was on the open network
and it was all
about transsexuals
it was a very
eye opening man to look into it because i have a friend
whose son is
becoming a transexual
his son is about to change from a man to a
woman and it’s really
strange because
his son’s about to change from a man to a
woman and his son
is like into girl
still so his son is like
becoming a lesbian
very very bizarre
and he’s gonna go
apparently i don’t know if he’s
gonna go through the operation
i don’t know what
the entire full story is
but they had this whole show
dedicated to it
and they had some kids
i mean there was a boy that was like a little boy
okay he looked like he was like
seven or eight years old
and he was wearing a dress
and he wanted to be a girl
you know and i’m like whoa
you know cause the younger you
start the more convincing you can be
if you just
avoid going through the
whole male peculiar
thing you can
stand a chance of being a more convincing
woman after your
transition yeah maybe
i mean if you can really be sure of your choice at that
young and age but it’s god
you talk to the parents
and it’s like very convincing what they’re saying
it’s so easy
if you’re a normal gender oriented person i don’t
think anybody has that
phase where
you’re like
seven years old and you’re like i’m
transgender
it’s not a phase
it’s not a fucking
race i agree with you but
who knows if
it’s a part of what’s
going on as you’re
young and then
as your hormones kick in as you become 18 and 19
maybe say no i’m just a gay man
you know maybe it’s like that simple
maybe like you transition
straight man
right what i’m saying is you
can’t i don’t i don’t think you
should really necessarily be fucking with your hormones
until they settle in
i mean i can
understand someone being a
grown adult and saying okay
i want to be a woman i’ve
faked this long too long this is what i want to do
but when you’re a child
shit i don’t even know
what the fuck i was
gonna i mean how
could you imagine if you had a children
you know like that’s probably normal for straight dudes
you know what
you know if i turned out to be like a
completely straight person i probably
wouldn’t have been like
lusting over nudie
magazines and like
showing them to people
and being like i
think you have to
a little gay change
and like a little
gay gay girl
right when you’re talking
about children i
think you have to account for change
you know i’m not saying you
should completely
discredit the idea that this is really a girl
trapped in a boy’s body
but i’m saying you have to account for change like
as far as like adding
hormones to
their body and
stuff like that seems like
really radical choice and one of
these kids was like 10 years old and they were giving
all sorts of
crazy medicine in
their kids and they’re just like
whatever you’re
right you’re
right you know
which is another fashionable subject and
i mean it’s better i think it
would be better if a
child was like i know this
about myself instead of like some
going my kid is unreasonable like because
they let the tv
babysit it and then like pump your kids full of ritalin
because they’re hyper
they’re just
maybe undisciplined i have a
next door neighbor
that used to live down the
street that was ritalin up their kid
and it was really sad that’s probably
fucking your kid up more
than listening
to them when they try to
identify their sexuality or
their gender the kid
was not a bad kid
the parents were terrible they were
terrible at parenting and the kid was lost and the kid
always seemed to me like they just
wanted someone to tell them what was up give them a hug
tell them what
was up there there were two of the most lost kids ever
because their parents were a fucking
holy wreck they
would yell at each
other in public and it was just a disaster
and they started pilling
their kids up
and it was like i was living next door to zombies
it’s like look at this like did the zombie but
these people have been
taken over by
spores i mean that
those pills
might as well be the fucking
spores that jack those ants
the same thing
it just takes so it’s a chemical
thing that happens to
a kid where it takes over their
brain rewires it
and makes them
think and behave totally differently
and then also
these kids were like
these little slap jaw zombies
i was like wow they done neutered
their fucking kids
brains yeah you know
it’s fucking
crazy it’s crazy how easy it is
to have that sort of
that sort of
power to just
do that to your kids i know
another person who i know his kid
is not fucked
up and he’s got his kid on some sort of riddle and shit
because his kid’s too active
cause his kid is fucking
alive and they’re
older they didn’t have the kid
until they were like in their 50s
they adopted
them they can’t keep up they
can’t keep up at all so they have this fucking kid
medicated you take
your kid yeah
treat him to the
stove whatever this kid is
nothing wrong with this kid i’ve talked to him
he’s just a wild little
motherfucker
you know and so what
are they good they got them all pilled up it’s like all
right good luck
what is how many
generations have we had of
people that were pilled up like this though ah forever
no i don’t think so
with social engineering i mean prozac came into mind
when i was i believe when i was in high
school it was the
first time i heard that
before that it was like institutionalizing people and
lobotomizing people in
shock therapy
like blue iris
right but she was
never normal
after that but it’s
never reached the
extent that it was with the blue
iris kit she had
electroshock therapy
repeatedly oh wow
didn’t know
that she tried to cure her porn
a lot of people don’t know who blue iris is
she’s on the howard
stern show a lot she’s
an old school porn stars
and she passed away
she passed away
yeah but there’s
a difference between the few people that are so
completely out
of control that need to be institutionalized to
people that don’t like their job
so they give you a pill so they
don’t feel like shit at the end of the day every day
because there’s
a lot of people that are just doing that
they’re physically not healthy
their diet sucks
they don’t exercise and they do a job that sucks
and they wonder
why they feel depressed at the end of the day
i mean it’s real simple you don’t need prozac
you need a new fucking life
i mean that’s what you need to do you need to figure
out what the fuck you really want to do and realize
that you’re only here for x amount of years
so the more time you
spend not moving
in the direction of your actual interest
the more you’re
gonna fucking hate yourself
you’re gonna be depressed it’s just natural
but they don’t
say that they give you some fucking pills
there’s a lot of people that need pills
should totally
take over from
that’s why i join our cult
oh you wanna
this is my orient
yes you wanna be in you
totally gonna
it might be something like that wasn’t
water you have been
drinking we
need funny chicks and you totally invited
yeah if you want to be in
our cult at any time definitely
our cult is
all you have to do is just
don’t be a douchebag it’s so simple i try i don’t know
well you do our little but it’s natural
look at what you
do look at how
many people are yelling at you looking how many people
point at you
and sending you shitty
emails all day
it’s natural
to be on the defensive and
start fucking with jennifer anderson
it’s natural she’s so harmless she’s so harmless
and i think it’s so funny cause
chelsea handler was like angelina jolie is a cunt
did you like friends with jennifer aniston
oh really and i was like oh look at chelsea handler
sticking up for jennifer aniston i’ve known
chelsea forever oh my god i know chelsea
since the early days of i wrote one of
the reviews of her book her first book was
my horizontal life
she’s a i love party girls
to me i think
it takes every kind of people at that song
takes every kind of people
when are you
gonna get her on the podcast we need to get her
way too busy i wouldn’t even ask her she’s got a sitcom
going on she’s got some sort of a reality show
going on about her show
and then she’s got her show
she’s way too busy she’s
about a show that’s already a show
really yeah that’s larry
xander show but she’s got a show
i mean that’s what it is
why not fuck it she’s got interesting people behind the
scenes she wants to showcases
it including our friend our really good friend eva
she’s on that show
eva from denver yeah she used to work on her
assistant i thought oh yeah eve is the best i love that
chick i haven’t
talked to her in forever she was this really cool
chick that worked for the denver comedy works
was super on the ball and
super friendly she used to take us to media
like one of the nicest people ever
and then became friends with chelsea and
she was such a diamond
that it was just waiting for someone to come along
yeah forever like i told her like if she
moved to la i
would give her a job as an assistant
yeah the coolest
chick ever like
i’ve never even thought
about having an assistant because it seems so
proportion posturus
that you really
you can’t wait what the fuck you got a business manager
you also need assistment you
could go give me a latte
you know like
get out of here that’s
ridiculous but for her
i would do it
just a job yeah
two year old get your
latte watch what happens
come back screaming and
covered in burns
you can get kids to put away dishes load dishwasher
dust vacuum sure yeah
mow the lawn
mow the lawn
when they’re a little bit older have fun you know
you can make a game of it get them a riding mower
my brother loved that when we were kids
he was it was like
my parents bought me this
thing so i could mow the lawn i could ride it
i can drive this
thing like it was so fun it was actually working
well when you’ve done mowing
along there’s an aesthetic sense of pleasure a
sense of not made of accomplishment like you’ve created
something visually that’s pretty yeah fuck some
sense it’s kind of an art form i used to work for a
landscaper did you i fucking hated mowing the
world that was
one of the hardest
annoying things i only worked for a landscaper for a
whole week and
he let me go because i kept burning too many lawns
what i mean is
that you fuck up you don’t know how to new use a lawn
mower that well
and you scalp the lawn yeah and i
scalped a couple lawns he got mad at me
it was hard fucking work and what
we paid pretty decent for what it was
but you worked
every goddamn day from six
thirty in the morning you showed up at work
and you work till
three o’clock
in the afternoon and there was a gang of fucking
houses to mow
you had a whole
route of houses and you had a
mow their lawn and chop trees down shit
back breaking fucking
where and everybody’s a douchebag
you working with mostly
like there was like a few guys that were kind of cool
but there was a lot of like
you know there’s a lot of resentment
to anybody knew that was coming
along that might possibly take this shitty
job away it was like real weird man
that’s like some junkyard dog type of shit
labor’s hard man getting a job as a
laborer in any sort of realm construction or
that’s one of the
most the best ways to get
motivated to get your shit together as a guy
get a fucking job
carrying bricks around all day
yeah you know get a job
where you realize what work really is
when you realize
what it really feels like to be exhausted
for 5 an hour
5 an hour and you’re
carrying bricks all day i
would have no idea what that
would be like
like ever the worst
but it makes you i think
about that shit all the time
if i ever think
about like not writing
or everything
about not working out or not
getting in the tank or anything like that i’ll think
about working on a construction site
and carrying
bricks and cinder
blocks and bags of cement i’ll
think about a hard that wasn’t like
what i have to do i just got to get up and work
at something awesome just get up bitch
you know it’s like this is a lot harder
things you could be doing
if you don’t have that
experience though
some fucking terrible
thing you know
like for you
when you were done with all the
electrocutions of the asshole
like going to regular
porn must have been like god damn it’s a cakewalk
all i have to do is blow somebody
well yeah now actually
there’s a little bit of a
transition that’s happening in porn
right now where
they’re kind of
going away from that like
my blonde wife is getting fucked by six
black guys to like more of wait a
minute why are they stopping that it’s a fucking
classic thing well it’s being phased
out now that’s like making a cheeseburger at a taste
parodies they’re making parodies they’re making romance
movies that are like romance
romancy novel like rom
com type of
how many vampire
porns are there a lot
they did a true
blood parody
and new sensations
that shit is
porn anyway
twilight parody
they made i don’t know
they’ve made a parody of
absolutely everything yeah some dude on my message
board as an avatar parody
and it’s a girl she’s got the avatar
face and she’s getting her
mouth fucked yeah
and that’s his
his avatar yeah
they’re gonna do a new avatar it’s
gonna be underwater you
heard about that show no way really
have you seen that preview for this new movie
where it’s a
bunch of chicks with guns
on the poster sucker punch
sucker punch yeah
yeah what the fuck i
haven’t seen the preview yet
but the posters look
amazing watch
minish yeah
same director
it looks bad
complete fantasy
you know crazy
comic book type
yeah i like that man i don’t need to be a
movie to be realistic like
when people go like why do you like like fantasy
movies and monster
movies and like
cause that’s what i
wanna be entertained
i don’t want you to depress me with some real
story about a girl’s parents get killed in a car
crash like stop
stop pissing on my parade dude
show me some
monsters and some
lasers and some
spaceships and
aliens did you ever see scott
pilgrim did you ever end up
man did you
see it yeah i rewatched that the other day
fucking loved it
again that is just a fun fucking
movie really i don’t know if you
would like it though
i don’t know if you
would like it but the
entire time i was like they don’t even like each other
stop hanging out what was the
movie recently
that you liked that i didn’t like can you only
think of one
oh man enter
no i didn’t really love
enter the void
but yeah i wasn’t into the end of the void
but that’s also because i’ve actually done
dmt and i’m like this is the representation of it is so
so simple well i was
there was a lot of problems that
movie but i just thought it was cool the visual
effects well
yeah what i thought was cool is the
first person perspective
that was really interesting
i thought that
i felt like i was really that guy you know if you
really got into it i mean like i like seeing it through
like almost like a
video game a
first person
shooter perspective
and i thought
that was kind of cool there’s parts of it i liked
but it was just too much
it was too i didn’t see anything that was like
oscar movies i
did not see anything the king
speech is that
about martin luther
king or what the fuck is that
about what is it
about that’s
about a dog that barks
no yeah name king
yeah who’s a big
spike collar
is a talking dog
maybe brian
right rottweiler
yeah i don’t know what the fuck it’s
about i don’t care i want
to see i don’t want to see any
movies i’m waiting for cowboys and
aliens i don’t
wanna see any
movies that are real this
movie that i saw with
adjustment bureau
totally science fiction
crazy fucking real
good good give me more of that give me more fake shit
i don’t wanna see real shit i know
it’s not interesting to me
like here’s a relationship that they had yeah
maybe if you
wanna throw me some
crazy godfather type gangster period
piece where
it’s not today’s reality
so okay i can get into that
kinda it’s a long time ago reality
you know but i don’t not into any real
movies where people get
depressed in real life like stop it i don’t even watch
movies that have people in them anymore i just really
just animations
yeah like in that megamind
three d movie tina fey was like really hot as a cartoon
right and it was just like cool i can like think this
girls really
super hot instead of like this
sticky like i’m
i’m not hot tina
fair haha i wear
glasses i’m not hot
right first
animated movie that i ever saw that was an
adult movie was wizards
you ever see yeah
that shit was good fuck was
great man i had it on dvd like really kind of recently
i can’t find it i was looking for it in my
house it’s a
ralph what is his name
box key yeah the
guy the guy’s name the guy that did
death dealer right
no wait am i
thinking of somebody else i don’t know
it was just really cool science fiction sort of
futuristic animated
movie you know
they don’t do too many of
those but they’re pretty dope when they do
like did you ever
see heavy metal oh yeah yeah
absolutely that
was badass i
was in love with that
chick in that movie
were you yeah the
heavy metal
you know what’s even funnier
or awesome is that the
heavy metal
inspired south park
where they did redid the
pretty much
heavy metal
style cartoon
like the whole animation look like that do you
see that episode fuck
no i need to
catch up on
south parks man i
heard that they’re
gonna do a charlie sheen parody
which i cannot fucking wait for of course they’re
going to they
could not they
love making
fun of people they’re the best at it are you on that
no i haven’t been i
think they made fun of you on that maybe
maybe no i don’t
think american dad has
if they did i would be
honored as long as they
weren’t too
cruel please
gentle i’m a gentle soul i’m a big fan
but what they did to carlsman
c was the most ruthless shit i’d ever seen in my life
they beat him to
death with a baseball bat and shoved frozen fish
sticks in his neck that
was so awesome
it was but they were broken down like i got no dick
i got no dick
like to be a comedian that be funny fuck
it was this the most ruthless take down i’ve ever
seen the kanye
was even funny to the gay fish they’re
genius man the fucking how
about the tom cruise
trapped in the
closet shit yeah
goddamn dude
they they they
break everybody down but they’re the best man
there’s nothing like that so we all
agree didn’t when when didn’t they get um
didn’t what the fuck is his name isaac case
didn’t he he was the one who used to be the chef
who it was as a case yeah
didn’t he stop
doing it when there was some sort of a show on
scientology yeah
that is so crazy
isn’t that fascinating
but it was okay when they made fun of everybody else’s
lifestyle and religion
and everything
else forever
and now he’s dead
so fuck you
isaac hayes
bam maybe maybe it wasn’t even that
maybe dana’s here
on surfaces at the end of the podcast
she shows her true
colors we’re
gonna turn it around dana we’re
gonna put you on a positive path and
be a successful
stand up comedian
a year from now
i’m gonna be your life coach
a year from now
we’re gonna be looking back at this moment and then
when i did the
podcast that’s when it all fucking came together yeah
you’re supposed to be a comedian
doesn’t it epiphany moment
be goddamn invulnerable up there
everything you’ve
done and how you were exposed publicly
you should be goddamn invulnerable up there you
gonna be a goddess
yeah control
and dominate
this is the the beginning
today we launch
it’s so ridiculous no
better way to end this fucking show it’s so
funny we will be back
thursday with
young and talented andy dick
will join us on the podcast is he doing it from this
studio or even
your student
mrs rogan is not
excited about andy dick being over a thousand
so we might have to
but he has been sober for like four weeks i don’t know
there’s always
tomorrow though
yeah well the
thing about andy
is you just
never know when you’re
gonna run into him with
whiskey on his
breath and you’re like fuck he was at the
avian awards he got tossed out
right was he fucked up
i don’t know i saw him and he was just like west
or whatever
so he was hammered
oh that’s right i mean i was
i could only assume like we were doing some kind of a
mirroring exercise where
andy and i were
doing the exact same
thing he talked
about it on the greg fitzsimmon show he talked
about it on greg fitzsimmons is
serious show
yeah and he said
you know that
he just got out of control it was like the
wheels fell off the end but it was a
great time before that
but then it looks so bad when people looking back on it
yeah another
thing he had a really interesting you
gotta pay attention
to what you what you look like people know who you are
you know basically
if people know who you are
yeah but once you get drunk
you’re an addict
no but i go like am i
are both my shoes on
like am i have i said anything offensive
or or anything to anyone like
am i controlling myself like when you’re
partying yeah
yeah yeah i
drink like five
whiskey drinks
and i was wearing a gown
and like i waited
until no one was around and i took my
dress off in the mirage
or the palms
parking structure
and i threw it in the back of my car and
went back to my own hotel
naked i i like
just put on whatever is in my car you
carry clothes around with you just
in case all
the time yeah never know
well we were like in
vegas so you know you got shit everywhere
to have like a baseball hat and
extras like a wear
t shirt in your car i
slept in a bowling alley last
night in canoga park what i had what
it’s a long story what
what wait a
minute what
andy dick no
but but but it was so
great because i had not only did i have worn
a coat because it was
kind of cold i had
sleeping bags i had airplane pillows from
traveling so much and was
slept in a bowling alley yeah
parking lot
of bowling alley
what the fuck
brian that was
great it’s a good
night do you
get too drunk
huh no i actually didn’t even
drink last night
i think young lad is in love
no no no no
no it’s not even that no no it wasn’t even that
perhaps you’re in
love with some girl you
had at the bowling alley
no perhaps no
it’s long story perhaps
young love in the parking lot
that’s when you don’t mind
sleeping outside but you have a
house when you’re in love
yeah but getting practical
when you’re in love dana oh
i don’t have to tell you that
maybe i’m dead inside and i’ll
never experience it
maybe they were right
commenters on youtube are
those motherfuckers
all right ladies and gentlemen
this weekend friday
night and saturday
night we are at the comedy magic club
next week friday
night at gotham in new york city
brian also has a podcast of his own it’s called the
death squad you can subscribe to it on itunes
and dana’s been
on it sam tripley’s on it all the time it’s
a plethora of
young talented comedians and they do
a bunch of different
podcasts so it’s not just one you can
go on the itunes page and
find out which they are or go to
deathsquad tv
and just subscribe to
death squad
on itunes and it’s very highly
ranked now it’s like in the top 20 of itunes comedy
it’s really good too it’s really interesting
so we’ll be back on
thursday like i said with any dick
thank you everybody for
everything and
thanks for tuning in and
thanks for being just cool
motherfuckers all
right i love you
oh go to flashlight com and
yeah go to joe rogan dot net
entering the code name rogan
get yourself some
discounted jerk off material do you have a rubber
flashlight yet
um no and i’ve been
bringing it up every time
with them what can i no no
no formal rejection letter from flashlight
will make this
happen dude you just got in with the right
crowd oh okay it
could be like the
extra extra big
flashlight first
giant butthole on me
thanks thanks guys jihad