what the fuck Andy Dick I brought my pussy
ladies and gentlemen Andy Dick has joined us
thank you so
excited god damn people the anticipation the build up
it’s not my
pussy it’s the guy it’s the guy that lives at
it’s a cat well it’s Pussycat it’s
the guy it’s this guy right here and he has to go there
right away just to make everybody feel comfortable
to go to some dark place put them at
ease here’s my pussy
immediately put everybody on edge whoa
I put him at
ease I feel like that puts him at ease
talking about your pussy
yeah or just being
just being good old Andy
it’s me good old Antid
it’s good to see you man I
haven’t seen
you in forever it’s been years well I ran into you at
improv right
no I think I
Well maybe I don’t remember that
maybe I was
drinking I remember running into you at
can’t I’m Not Cancers
jerry’s Telly
oh yeah yeah
I know was that you know
your girlfriend
no we ran into the I ran into you there with and you
were a couple of years ago
yeah you were with your
I guess now why
yeah yeah yeah
and then I ran into you I
think more recently though was the improv
because there’s a
picture of it on my website yeah then you take a
picture yeah I have a
picture too yeah
yeah Dave Foley
on that’s the pot that’s the flashlight
oh it’s a flashlight
flashlight that’s
think something you fuck
are you serious wow you skeeved out Andy dick
sober andy’s a totally different animal
to show it to him open now
so I’m not yes so I shouldn’t
oh so I touch it here after one
no the vaporizer right here
behind the flashlight
good for you it’s a good night light
I am completely sober right now just so you know I know
can you tell
for how long
you know it’s only been
I think it’s creeping up on 3 months now
which is but that’s a long even a week for me
no but not in that way but
after a week I feel great
then another week I feel better and
how long has it been since you’ve like cut
everything out
even just for a day or 2
I do it all the time yeah you just
smoke all the time no no no no not something I mean
oh you stop
all the time
need to yeah I don’t sometimes I don’t
smoke pot for a week or week or 2
oh okay especially I’m not performing
I’m not performing and I’m not writing mm hmm
sometimes I just don’t feel the need to know
I use it as a tool
like I use weed especially
that’s what I was trying to tell you that
in the news radio
dance but you were giving off
mixed signals fella you were
well you were given off very very very
strong signals that were right on the money
you would just
scream in front of network executives
you fucking freak you’re high right now
when you call me little
problems because we would try to do a
scene and we couldn’t do the scene because Andy
literally couldn’t do it
because I was sorry
oh what are we doing here and you
would just like Andy we have to go home okay we’ve
been here all day rehearsing we got to do this fucking
scene in your
take to the
gills to the gills
we would have fun and you know I
would improvise a lot
and now you see now
it’s fun but
you can’t get high and do rehearsals
that’s the problem
you can’t get high when you’re waiting on
other people
yeah you can I don’t know
we’ll talk about that
well I mean I
think it’s just
it’s disrespectful to the people you’re working with
well you’re high
right now and you’re working with me but not the same
thing because I’m not doing something
where I have to remember and recall
things and do
things in a certain order
I always I was always good I
could always remember my lines and I was always
right I was really
professionally
I don’t know if you remember well sometimes you weren’t
and a lot of times
you and Paul Sims would
would call me out
when I wasn’t high right
that’s possible I know like
right now my
energy is so high
I got what just
crying wolf
exactly it is like that
I got sober
these these Twitter followers
calling saying I’m on cocaine right now
you know Charlie Sheen
what do you think Charlie Sheen is doing right now
what is he doing is he just drinking
or is he doing drugs I
well after some of I saw the one
where I didn’t see the machete
thing what happened with them I don’t know
about the machete
thing I saw the
photo but I’ve been watching the you stream
I fucking machete in his hand like what is going
it’s the weirdest
train wreck ever the most unexpected
I love off the tracks into the woods
do you think he’s okay
no no no I thought but he’s my favorite person in the
world right now
because no matter how fucked up
your life is you look at Charlie she and you go I’m all
right finally
somebody is
overshadowing me
and it actually helped me get completely
stone cold so I was already sober when it
started happening
just like a
month or maybe a few weeks and it
started happening
and it’s almost like god shoving
me into my face like a
mirror into my face
because you know
I I’ve never gotten that
because I don’t really smoke
crack and I don’t do I just
drink beer and I drink wine
by the way this morning
and the reason I’m late and it really was me I was late
my and I didn’t tell you that I made it
I did tell you
my assistant showed up
walked into my
kitchen I’m like here let me get you some
water are you hungry I’ll cook you some eggs
and then I hear a boom
and I turn around
and he’s halfway onto the counter
oh my God he’s like
fainting he’s
light headed
I really need to feed this guy but then boom
right onto the
floor head first
split his head open
blood gushing all over puddling up
on my ex’s kitchen
floor in the main
house right you know I’m not
I don’t live
there I live in the shed in the back you know my whole
story right
sort of okay well we’ll get into it but
so blood and he’s flopping around like a fish on the
floor of a god of and
him and it’s just me and him
thank God the kids
weren’t there there’s 4 kids
thank God Lena wasn’t there they
would have been
even when I just recreated the
story for Lena
later that she’s the one that lives in the
in the main
house and owns it
but you know I’ve
I pay for it but
you’re welcome but any
and the poor kids
only 2 were mine
but anyways
the thing is is that
just me telling her the
story she started crying wow she was crying
and I didn’t know what to do
but I had the foresight to grab a
paper towel
thing shove it
under his head so he
wouldn’t keep boom boom
boom and he was
his eyes rolled back oh my God
and what is called 9 one one
and I had my finger down his
throat so I
wouldn’t swallow his tongue
oh my God you’ve
heard that yeah
and the right away
don’t put anything in his mouth
what okay okay
and we went on for like
3 minutes I’m like this guy’s
gonna die right here
and I got it I
gotta go on joe’s
so you just left him right no
I waited the paramedics came and
and they say it’s
gonna be fine he’s in the hospital right now as we
speak he’s in the hospital so is it an epileptic
seizure is that what it is
you know what it is and this is the honest to god’s
truth he I made him
I said you can’t work for me anymore
because we used to
drink together he was at
the porn awards with me
and that was pretty much one of the last times
the wheels came off I went nuts
there Charlie Sheen was there how long
ago was this
like 3 months ago thank
God and that’s why they did a hair test and you know
minimal traces
of cocaine showed up because this goes back in 08:54
months right
but I wanted to
prove that I was
completely clean for at
least a couple
weeks so I did the
urine test completely
clean of all drugs you know this is on
Rumorfix com
oh yeah I didn’t know that
they yeah I wanted to do it I said
because these
pictures came up of me doing cocaine I went
those are old
pictures they’re putting them up and
they’re trying to pretend like it’s happening right now
I can’t continue
to be silent
about it cause whenever
shit comes up
I’m like whatever it’ll blow over
but I don’t and I
never try to defend myself well you have done so many
things though that for
people that are just speculating
know as to you I mean also enough
to do is bring them a
photo and boom it’s a
story it’s a
man and they
think it’s happening that
day well they of
course they
would though
you you understand how they
would it’s not a
grand conspiracy I know
you’re right
so what is it like to be the
guy that they call when someone fucking hits the wall
cause you’re the guy man
when Charlie
Sheen hit the wall someone to get Andy Dick on the line
we’re here it’s Nancy
Grace we have Andy Dick
we have stopped our
coverage on dead
babies in Florida
so that we can concentrate on Andy
dan there has been
we have found the
clones of a 2 year old but that
that’s coming
land and Dick
is in the studio
if there’s a dead baby in Florida
Nancy you’ll find on it
she’s on that story
I wonder if she
does babies to make
to make a TV show
she doesn’t like me she’s
white trash people meth
she’s horrible
well she’s just an
angry bro she’s a
bitchy little she
doesn’t seem like a pleasure filled
happy fun person
no and her subject matter is so goddamn dark
well show it’s dead
babies yeah or she talked
about me once when
the incident went down what did she say in at the
buffalo Wild Wings out buffalo
Wild Columbus
Ohio imagine hey that’s you’re there with your family
Andy Dick is
drinking on the bar with his
penis out in
front of children
that’s not what happened what happened is
I was drinking a lot
and this is in Temecula
not clean oh
that’s a whole
Columbus was you get
arrested for
drinking and
Temecula and you’re not an Indian
you’ve done some
crazy shit I was with an Indian
I swear to God
my drummer is an Indian American and
driving up here and a guy had a
motorcycle on he had a jacket and it said
sober Indian on the back of his jacket they’re rare
should have
taken a picture of that
they love the firewater well
it’s unfortunate
that it just isn’t
really supposedly this is how it goes but without being
too ignorant
it’s not in their DNA
because they didn’t really
drink it until
white men can
yeah like Asians yeah
like when they can’t metabolize the
alcohol right when
Asians drink they turn they get
flushed up and
I read around a lot of fucking
drunk Asians
they get fucks but I
run around drunk
white people
drunk black people
that’s why they do some people get fucked
I’ve been fucked up
we’ve all been do you don’t
drink fuck I
guess I do I
do I do shows and I
had like 15 shots on
stage in Vegas
and I completely
lost I couldn’t moss all ability to communicate
I wound up looking I lied
on my back and I was looking around me and there’s shot
glasses all the
stage and I’m
still talking
microphone on laying down
I’ve done it
you’re laying down on
completely ridiculous
still talking in the mic
the problem is those wild
fucking shows are fun they’re great
in the audience
because like this is really happening
this is some
theater of humanity
this is real shit
you’re the only
other person in the
world right
it’s not good to do all the time no not all the time
but every once in a while
to have a show that’s
where the wheels come off
and that fucking car is in the woods hitting
trees bouncing off rocks
and you’re the only one really laughing
you’re laughing
hysterically into the
microphone trying to tell
your stories and everyone else is just like
well that’s
that’s not good if they’re not
laughing too
I like when the
wheels go off and everybody’s
wheels are off
I want everybody to join me in this little fucked up
party that happened to me in Texas
if you get if you’re more
drunk than everybody else that’s usually the issue
is there any
states that you can’t go to
right now it’s good
Canada Canada
it’s not allowed
in Canada I know
I was making a joke
but I really am not allowed in Canada
and the last time I went up
I was going to I was
I had to work
and a dog I was in line for customs
to come in and a dog
somebody had
their dog with them and I’m like what a
cute dog hi
and I look up and the guy
holding the
leash was a police officer he’s like come with me
the dog just zeroed in
right on me
with his nose
cause I just
smelled like pot I didn’t even have it on me
coming out of my pores
dog’s harsh
can’t even talk anymore the dog dry humping me
there’s no more barking noise left in its little body
bark barked itself horse
they took me in the back room and and it was it was a
slightly humiliating it was a strip search and
and then and then they found nothing had nothing
and they then they give you this pamphlet why me
he says why me something to that affected oh
basically why
was I violated
and then you looking and it’s the way you were dressed
it was the smell of the potty
goddamn dog but I’m saying it’s like a rape joke why me
dress like that
I shouldn’t have dressed like I mean what
I shouldn’t just like a hippie he’s
dressed like a stony slut
and you smell like we did a poor little dog
there’s an update about my
but I guess I’ll check
he’s fine because I’ve been talking
I was talking to him the
whole way here he’s fine he’s just in the hospital
and so what you were trying to say is that
if you stop drinking abruptly
you will and this is true
every time I’ve gone into rehab they say
you need to take this pill and it’s called Aladdin
and I’m like
why I don’t take pills I just don’t take pills I don’t
Aladdin I just
don’t like that some shit
they used to give people the back of the cowboy days
I don’t know
I think that was like something that people
would get addicted to back then
but I tried this allotted
well either
way you take it
and you don’t get you don’t have seizures
but if you don’t take it
or if you don’t taper off like
if you want to stop
drinking and you’re
drinking heavily
like every day and you
wanna stop you’ve
gotta just taper off you
gotta like if you’re
drinking 20 a day
then drink 15
then drink 10 really
yeah oh yeah
or you got it or you
gotta go home
and because you can suck
no no you can die
from the withdrawals my friend
my assistant
could have died he
he hit his head so hard that
alone could have killed him you
would have been
freaking out and fucking weed is illegal right
yeah incredible
great it’s just goddamn incredible yeah
cause if you had the choice between the 2
like if someone said do you want to have a
drink or have some weed
it’s always weed always
one or the other
look at how calm
you are let me tell you let me can I tell your fans
how many do you have by the way on Twitter 275,000
motherfucker well I hope a couple of them come over a
bunch of them are
gonna they’re loving it
people are saying you guys are fucking killing me
they’re loving you’re gonna
but let me tell you guys something because
I know Joe Rogan from how many years ago was it 1520
this is not the job
I love this guy he’s almost practically cuddly
I wanna hug up on him and
snuggle up by a fire and
let him read me a
story but this is the guy
that I worked with
did you say 20
it’s been yeah I
think it’s been
slow no it’s 96
let them do the math
1996 was in the middle
of it’s like 17 years coming up on 20 years crazy
he was I don’t know if you were taking
creatine or steroids or
you were jacked no I was just being me
and being him at that time was
straight edged
just saying well I
would drink
every now and then very
little when
I was doing this
I thought you
still weren’t Jenkin
I was just a couple of years away from my last fight
so I had fought
which by the way I read
something on Twitter that you’ve
never lost a fight
no I lost a bunch
of times I lost
my last one somebody
no I lost a
bunch of times I lost a
bunch of times in taekwondo
and my last kickboxing
fighter got fucked up
but this is
after you started smoking pot
no no no no
this was no I
haven’t fought
since 1989 was
a long time
mmm so when we did Newsradio
remember 94
I’m going to go work out you took me
like I want you to come out
on one of my workouts
this guy worked
this is this explains him back then
first of all
you were I don’t
know how to describe it you were a live wire
you didn’t care what people thought you still down
but now you’re just more
you’re more intellectual
about it’s more cool
like I heard your
whole thing
about what’s called DMT
and I was fascinated I listened to the whole
thing I actually
asked you can we do it on the air
on this podcast and you said no it’s too
hardcore I’m
gonna do it on my own then I’m
gonna it has
tell them it has the recovery rate for alcoholism
people usable
yeah and I was gonna Iowa
I was going
I Alaska there’s a guy
into pain go
right up the
street from me that makes
sense who does it I’m gonna I’m
gonna do it
folks I’m gonna do it because I don’t want to
drink I don’t want to
I don’t want to be flopping around on my
kitchen floor yeah
cracking my head open and dying
but anyways back then
20 you know
17 years ago he was
you you know what the word is angry
you were so fucking
angry it was hostile
and you would you
would attack
everybody and anybody even Paul Sims
and and but me
you the girls
would run to
their dressing rooms crying you know that
I’m not exaggerating crying
I would run to the bathroom and
punch holes in the wall
on the verge of crying
and and you
would always call me out for being high in
front of people
because you were you were straight edged
and and and the bottom line
just because I
was high dude it was because you were stopping work
no but it’s true I never
I was always having fun
you I was afraid of
yeah I know you were having fun but I was
oftentimes having fun in
other people’s expenses
I don’t know
about that listen I am
it’s true that I
would get upset very easily at things
but it wasn’t at nothing
wasn’t you know real
you always had a reason
but my point is
is I didn’t want to even go
to work so I was afraid of you well a lot of people are
upset at you Andy you know that
you know that everybody was
upset at you all the time
it was a constant source of struggle I love you dude I
think you’re
incredibly talented you’re
you’re a wild dude and
you don’t get that kind of comedy
unless it comes from a real wild
place you know and I love that
about you I
think you’re really fucking
funny I’ve always said that
but you got to
understand that that comes at
it’s a very
selfish package
a lot of times to
be that wild person and you
oftentimes don’t
think about how
other people are perceiving you
but I know that
I’ve been guilty
of that myself and I know that you have too
so you’re right you know and you can’t argue a
professional
environment like that
where everybody’s it’s not like we’re just partying
we were supposed to be doing this show
and if what you’re doing disrupts what
other people are doing it becomes a problem and
it’s not that I don’t love you it’s not that I don’t
think you’re talented it’s not that
I want to be
angry for no reason it’s just I’m
standing up for what I thought was right
yeah you did though
I hear what he’s saying that when I first
moved out you were a different
person you just seemed very different you’re so
chill now you really are and
it’s a lot of it is the tank
climbing in
the tank I want to get in on a regular basis
has made me reevaluate all the there’s a bunch of
different paths that we go down in our personalities
where we automatically
we get into certain
way let me just say that I’m a different person too
I’m sure in
17 years I’m not
stuck back there either well you know I’m a lot more
I just I’m just more
chill too I
think with intelligence like now
I you know back then I’d be arguing
with you but now I’m like you know you were right
maybe you wouldn’t
you know you were
I would get angry
you would come back and you
would apologize and
would hug it out or something
we were always friends
it was like love hate man yeah
but we always made up we always
never to the
point where I remember I walked into your
dressing room because
I saw it rocking
you know what
if this trailer’s a rock and don’t come a
knockin’but I took it you know I went the
other way if this
trailer’s rockin’ I
gotta come in and see what the hell’s
going on in here
with his dick in his hand
it’s Joe I did
not have my
dick in my hand
so Andy you’re fucked up
and you had your dick not even
hard it was flaccid
and you’re pulling on it in your hand
right in front of me
oh so this was like
was like later
after the show that’s not it was
I was in the
dressing with my
girlfriend right I was
it was like a
trailer it was like
after the show
yes yes party
okay yeah that was the end of the
night then I can imagine me
look you were doing it for shits and giggles it was fun
you know it was half partying
half you were
crazy half half half I was attracted to you
I’m not gonna lie
that was the
other fucking dichotomy for me back then
I was sexually
attracted to you
and just as equally
fucking frightened of you
so I wanted to be
with you sexually
mouse was put off all
those barriers for you
buddy you really did you
know like you knew you my
subconscious
date on you
well do you remember the episode
where you guys
wrestled and
you’re on the ground rolling around were you
thinking that like this is the hottest
scene ever I
still I still jerk off to yeah
I’m just kidding I know but listen
well I didn’t get to the point
where he took me he took
me by a couch
I was sitting right next to me out of douche chills
do you want a
spray bottle
that was back in the
day spray bottle just in case yeah you got me pre RL
for my soul come on
I’m not attracted like I was back then I’ve got some
flesh loot I don’t know what it is I
think maybe because you smoke a lot of pot now
but you puffed up a little bit you’re puffier
you’re not necessarily you’re
still muscular and you’re probably
strong as fuck
you could knock me out with one punch
but you’re more I’m not as lean
yeah you’re not as disciplined
I don’t work out you don’t care anymore yeah
well I work out but I still look good
like a fucking I was
gonna say back
down I was not you got to eat your I was
pretty disciplined with my diet you looked fucking
this guy with that any clothes on
in fucking credible but he took me to work out
and this is why this is why he looked like that
he would work out every day for how many hours
couple hours a day couple
hours a day like come on Andy cause I was working out
you know look at these guns come on
what did they say to you they say back off
but he took me there let me work out
let’s work out you do my workout Andy
I go I couldn’t do 20 minutes
and I But I
He was my ride so I had to
stick around and watch him work out him
and he’s went
3040 minutes into it
he worked out so hard
that he’s now over in the corner
with his hand on the edge of a giant
garbage can just vomiting
vomiting vomiting
and then he goes
okay I gotta have one more hour to go
like he kept working out he worked out to the
point where you vomit that’s fucking
crazy well the only I
threw up the other day the kettlebell work on threw up
you out to the point
if you push yourself
over that line
where every
left your whole body shaking
and you’re not vomiting it’s not a workout
your instincts are telling you to stop
you have to push through those instincts
you have to
the mind has to use the body like it’s a car
do you have to be able to stomp on that gas as the
wheels are spinning and trying to get out of the mud
you gotta keep the fucking pedal to the floor
forget about what the engines won’t
you gotta keep and you gotta
treat your body
like that that’s the only way your body really
truly becomes
strong do you take pills dude like creatine all that
steroids and I took a lot of different
stuff now no now I take
human growth hormone and testosterone I go for
hormone replacement therapy
why do you think you need more testosterone
no no I’m just worried
about you more
it’s what it does is you take it’s very
light dose to cream
where all it does is keep you at healthy levels
see I like soy milk and Ediname
he likes everything that makes you produce
he’s on birth
control I got nice
tits right now and my pussy boners hard that’s right
those 2 things
make you turn you into a woman I know you suck
I like both of those things too and it sucks
it really yeah you got to take some like
tribuluous with that
I so do are
these injections that yeah
the testosterone
is no it’s great
let me ask you though is
is this stuff is your heart okay yeah
no it’s your heart
have you had your
heart tested of course what
about bones do
I heard that over time that
weakens your bones does it weaken your bone
in like arthritis or something like that
it probably does wonders for your boner
well it does wonders for your body
like if you get an injection
this is soft
you just get rock hard
I don’t do injections it’s a
cream it’s a very do you rub the
cream on your boner no I don’t
give me a little of that you
can certainly
work with that cream
if you jerked off with that
cream did you imagine what
would happen have you ever
like run out
of whatever you jerk off with I like use like
Astral Glide
that would be a good sponsor
well we got
Fleshloop we already have
flashlight oh
we have Fleshloop
fleshloop well I’d like to talk to them too
but anyhow have
you ever run out and then you have to use something
you have to go around your
house cause you just need to jerk off
what is the
weirdest thing you’ve ever used
the juice that comes
with Bologna
is really good
slimy I’m pretty
standard when
it comes to jerking off
the juice that comes with Bologna
it’s slimy are
you serious yeah it’s like that said
you don’t know
Brian that’s so typical
I’m so used to the way he says
that’s absolutely disgusting
that’s I went
par for the course for a
Brian answer
you’re so used to it
mine I think the
weirdest was olive oil
which isn’t
even that weird
that’s that’s healthy yeah that
would actually be good for your skin
D H E A and
shit spit I’ve used
spits it sucks because I accept
work to get back to this hormone conversation
is kind of an important subject I’m
I like the jerk off I want to
think about I want to
think about your dick
listen fella
so you can think
about all you like
I’ve always loved them
this is for sure the strangest podcast ever
human growth hormone gay SEC
what happens is as you get
older like say if you have
a hypothyroidism your thyroid stops producing a certain
amount of thyroid hormone they just supplement it
they give you you know
synthroid or whatever
and you don’t have that I do have that too yeah
everybody does when you get to a certain age
your your body
stops producing
as much remember you you had you had the yeah I
still have that vitiligo still
but you used to have
everything it’s gone no yeah you went off on my face
wow that’s cool
bonus yeah it’s
just it’s a supreme that you put on it it’s called
pro topic ointment
and you have to
catch it right away
and there was some
other stuff you
could do you
could do with
light treatments
and shit like that but I had mine mine is very
mild I heard that it was because you’re
you’re rapid you’re like oh your body’s overworking
no it’s an immune system
thing it’s autoimmune system
yeah they don’t know exactly what causes it
but you know
like Michael Jackson
had a horrible way he had it all over his
whole body I just have it on my knuckles
when you don’t get pigment in your skin
and it just
turns what it is is
your immune
system is fighting
against your pigment
that’s what I was saying
so your immune
system is over my
whole body is just in a battle
all the time
his immune system is attacking
things that shouldn’t be attacking but
just explain this
human growth hormone
thing when you go for just like
him he attacks
things he shouldn’t be attacking
well not anymore though
not since not
since pot thank
God for pot go
and you get
blood test done and they find out what your levels are
testosterone
you should go
I should totally go but
tell you that you’re a girl well that’s fine
I’m gonna tell you a girl it’s the girl
cause girl girls
sense it the girls
sense it and girls love to fuck girls
so you they have the
sense you really
do you really have
huh do you really have man I have
large nipples but not boobies let me can let me see
let me see let me see
anyway what happens is you go and you get a
blood test they find out all your
levels and it makes you feel so much better to get
you know a normal
level of testosterone
normal level
of you know IGF all
these different
things all these different
things that keep you healthy
should I go in and do this for sure but
for what and everybody goes
great this is
this is what happens look you got it you’re
dying okay I’m
40 something years old
45 eventually you’re
gonna be 60
eventually gonna be dead there’s just no stopping that
that’s just how it’s always been
how what have you done
it’s just the way it is right
and people go why
would you supplement hormones
well because
it makes your body operate like a younger body
because it gives your body the
things that it’s missing mm hmm
and people go
well what happens if you don’t
if you do that you know what if it fucks up your body
first of all there’s no evidence that it does and
second of all if you don’t you’re
just gonna grow
weak and die
right it’s like it’s not simple to me to me
it’s almost
like a pragmatic choice but how old are you now 43
oh I didn’t know we were that
close in age
yeah and you feel like 1,000,000
bucks yeah I feel great yeah
as long as I do
the right thing eat
the right foods take the
right vitamins
lots of lots of vegetables lots I mean
I stay really healthy liquefied
vegetables yeah well you were always on a big trip
Andy used to
show up for work with bags like big plastic bags
filled with herbs
herbs and various vitamins and concoctions
and he would sit there
sorting his pills out for fucking
hours like sometimes we’d be rehearsing really
yeah well those
those pills on my desk Matthews desk all those
were real yeah they were
real real they
weren’t props and he
would just take all
these different
herbs and that was back when I was really
stupid I didn’t take anything
I didn’t take a
multivitamin
I didn’t take a goddamn
thing you did take one
thing cheese burritos
yeah I saw you just
ate do you eat like a lot
of burritos yeah
did you still eat like shit
well I don’t eat like shit I just eat a lot of
counter every once in a while
no I eat healthy I just eat a lot of food eats a lot
you were appetizers to meals to desserts to coffee
shows but you
still work out yeah
my your body needs fuel man if you look good
you don’t look
back you just look puffy
well I’m fatter
no definitely have more body fat than I have
I have a bigger
belly I have a bigger
belly than you you work out at all
yeah I just hike
I could do old man workouts
I started doing P90X what do you think
about that shit’s brutal
yeah it’s really good so I
should do it yeah anything like that
where you’re doing a different
thing every
night okay one
night you’re doing dumbbell
clean and jerks the next
night you’re doing chin ups and you’re
karate and then you’re doing yoga
yeah it just makes your butt
shocks the shit
out of your body don’t your body work don’t you
think they should have like a P5
you know like they
should have
different levels so you don’t what
is this age
3 what does it do for okay
what does it do
I don’t know it’s all the
stuff you’re talking
about makes you younger younger
you take a little ounce
like every day
you might wanna look into it it’s very very very
underground crap I did it like
no you’re into that hot as shit but I just love it
cause it rhymed with cocaine
it’s called
procaine like
cocaine’s like the con
where did you get this
stuff cocaine
is negative but procaine
positive from we got
they’re listening online it’s
called Pro Cane
Compound and he’s got this
gh3s hand but but
that’s not what’s in here I just cut the lid off yeah
use it as a disposable
oh that’s not what’s in there look the
G The propane is actually just this
clear liquid
you take an
ounce of it
every day there’s
I ran what’s in that stuff
this has cilantro
cilantro parsley
chlorella some
acidophilus it has the flax oil that 369 oil
it has dates bananas apples
Jesus it has all kinds of algaes
and greens those powders
3 different
green powders it has the flax seeds
it has chia seeds it has
every fucking
thing you can
imagine I put it in a vitamix and it liquid
even those tiny tiny tiny
black seeds
become liquid
and they go
right into my
bloodstream
and this is all living
shit enzyme so
we’re on the same
path but I just try to
get it from the earth from
mother name well
we’re all looking
for a doctor
did you make
that yourself
or do you go somewhere to get no I do it
I made this up it’s the most comprehensive fucking
smoothie that Jamba
juice can’t even touch
do you like shit what
do you shit
like fucking trees I have the most amazing shit he
would let yeah I shit tree trunks
just long I
lay I really lay pipe can
Brian film your shit
if I feel one coming on you can totally film it
listen bro it’s
worth doing man
think about all the hits that ari’s butthole got
Andy shit will get double
those hits yeah I will promise you double
those yeah you
gotta watch this
video called Jew
Clam and watch
the uncensored version of it juke Clam
okay I’ll watch it
but I don’t want like your flip
phone going up my asshole
you can I’ll let you film me sitting there
and you can
hear it coming out
whatever you want and then
I’ll get up and you can see it no we need but you’re
gonna see a
beauty no I don’t
wanna see it coming out it’s really the only way
see you’re getting all
sexual with me no
no getting sexual
sexual you’re taking a shit if you want to
come out of my ass
then I want to see your dick
we got I mean I got a barter here oh
I work on the barter
system through like do it
for the team
take one for the well
going and I want to see
it I want to see it a
that’s impossible it’s not even possible if you were
a mile girl you’re a mile away my dick would
be with your girl
we’ll all go to this fucking ass here he’s
screaming at me
that is not nice
you go and get with your girl
and then she’ll get you
going and then run out of the room with your boner it
sounds like a good idea
what are you bartering
with you got gold coins and i’m not noticing fuck just
and then you can see me shit
you have to do the most humiliating
dark the desperate
saddest thing
and if you do it joe then you
can see all you have to do is show
me your dick and then we have film of him pooping that
you take it for the team bro
you really think the pooping will
get us some good
that will be on tmz
considered all right
it is like a
chair between him and my
penis and erect
boner so i don’t
think you can you can be i can
you can put me in one of
those dog cages
and laugh i have
to have a dog cage
that’s the next
place you gonna be living pal
we can we just
feel we’ll just film in pooping on the pee pad
and when the dog pee pads
what did you say
that’s the next
place you’re
gonna be living pal
you’re living in a garage outside your
chick’s house
it’s a shed
it’s a shack
a shed shed
what do i know
was i drinking
someone else i gave you two i give you oh you did okay
what is that like i’m such a germ
freak i’ve always been germ free
well i pimped it out
first of all
i downplay it make people feel
sorry for me
but i wanted to be
i saw the movie
funny people
and i really related to
all the characters i didn’t see it
it’s not a comedy
go watch it and it’s a very well
made dramaty
except for the half hour
did you like it
i love everything up to the last half hour when they
threw his kids in there for like
so they can
have health insurance or something there was like
no reason for
the last half hour this
morning because they have
judd apatow’s
daughter singing that
jizz grizzabella the glamour
cat yeah never
from from cats
right and that really is her singing in her
school for real
i thought about that this morning yeah it was
disturbing i wasn’t
thinking what you’re
thinking but you know that might
but you know yeah it does
it has like five different endings that goes on but
basically just
watch the movie but my point is
is that i realized that i
and you probably experienced this by by observing me
but i really wasn’t
around as much as i obviously
could have been
for my kids
and my kids are now
about to not be kids
in fact lucas is
22 i don’t know and a
great stand up too he’s doing
well he’s doing
great he just
moved to new york
and immediately got
he called it pet
he passed i
guess it’s called
and i’m like that
sounded negative to me i went
oh i’m sorry
no he passed
i guess the test and
now he can perform at the comic
strip it’s not the biggest one
he can perform there
every week now the
comic ships
one of the best clubs in new york oh it is so awesome
it’s one of the best clubs it’s the
place where everybody goes and works out oh he
passed that’s
where like louis ck
will go great
i love that’s incredible
he moved with nothing
he’s on twitter
but he doesn’t go on much but he’s
lucas dick and he
needs help he showed me the
i gotta text the
first morning
after the first
night that he was there just
earlier this week
and he said here’s the view you’re
gonna love this
here’s the view from the bunk bed the top bunk from
where i’m staying
at a stranger’s
house that he had never met
and it was looking down onto a computer screen
and on the computer screen
was the poster for
brokeback mountain
now i can be
you know bi and i can
be with guys on but i don’t really want my kids to be
i like i texted him back get out of there take the
first plane back
wow you know i
it’s freaked me out he’s he’s like
that’s staying
at some gay guys
house wow isn’t that
weird that i
would freak out
about it’s funny that you
would freak out
about it why
i don’t know
you did it happened
to me naturally you
don’t want it to happen to him
is that what it is
i know that i know how straight all my kids are
and i don’t want them
to be to be
taken advantage of
so that’s what you
think you feel like someone’s
gonna catch him
while he’s vulnerable
or maybe or
slip something in his
drink or some
steroids isn’t that like and he’s a handsome girl
isn’t that a big thrill
for a lot of gay guys
to get a straight guy to do something
yeah yeah because
that’s why i
think that’s what i did
with you every guy
you might you
might be one of the straightest guys i’ve ever met
i’ve got to see that boner
i know this
i know this
gay guy joe i know this gay guy that does hair
and he goes to people’s
house to do hair and he
every time he does a guy
he tries to fucking
sleep with the guy or do something
he says that
like one out of five people actually
do it they do like straight guys
dude there was a dude i worked with
i don’t want to mention
which show because everybody on the show will know
he was a behind the
scenes guy and he
was a gay guy
and he told me you
would be amazed
amazed at how many straight guys he’s blown yeah
he just like offers to
blow that i
guess that happens true
happens all the time but what what
is the bathroom
oh yeah we should go to the bathroom
and take those headphones off them
we’re gonna
third door down
to the left
while you’re in there
okay third door oh
jesus christ
this is awesome
this is fucking
great i love it i can’t i love
i love how he
talks about your dick and stuff and
you can just sit there and you’re kind of like
nervous and
what’s like i’m waiting for the
storm to pass yeah
it’s like when you’re in your car
and the big wave of rain comes down like shit
maybe we should just pull over and wait this out
don’t drive right now
if you’re in miami
and there’s a wall of
water in front of you that’s andy dick yes
there’s a wall of
water in miami talking
about your dick
that’s so funny
i love it talking
about me talking
about you making me uncomfortable
it’s internet
but you don’t get uncomfortable
that’s one thing i like
about you you
really fine
you’re totally fine you’re not uncomfortable are you
no no no never
in all the years i’ve
known you know you
never get uncomfortable
no i’m pretty open minded violent
sometimes you have i
think you’ve pushed me or gotten violent but
you know i only pushed you out of my door
while you had your dick in your hand crazy fuck
take it easy
take it easy
you accuse me
of being violent but you don’t want to own up to what
causes the reaction to you you’re not violent anymore
no much more much more mellow now
thank you marijuana it’s marijuana it’s also the tank
going in the tank
on a regular
basis we’re not at your house no
well it’s real simple there’s a
place down here in burbank called soothing solutions
there’s a place in venice that’s the best
place it’s called the
float lab and if you go to the
floatlab com
you’ll see what they have there
i want to go to my favorite
place called joe rogan’s house
can i go eventually
like do you have to change the
water every time yes
every time no no you don’t change the
water every time
it goes through a filter
system oh okay
every time i turn the
thing on how much was it
the tank itself yeah
everything is
about eight thousand dollars
oh that’s not bad but it’s
still very expensive
expensive and but it’s laying down long ways yeah it’s
completely invaluable to me you’re laying down yeah
okay yeah it’s like a
giant bed like a bed
you know it’s like four feet wide and
paid me seven or
eight feet long salt water yeah
oh really 800
pounds of salt is in the
water so you’re
you float you
float and it’s heated the same temperature as your skin
and there’s no
sensor experience
or no sensor
input rather
the top part of your body is out of the yes exactly and
you can breathe you can
breathe your ears
are underwater
i don’t know but
other people do
and the guy
who’s a friend of mine who set up the tank for me
not only did
he he had this
crazy experience
where he kept waking up
inside of dreams
like he had a
dream and then boom
he would wake up and realize oh my god i was
dreaming then boom and wake up no you were
dreaming again
about waking up from dreaming
like he thought and then he realized it was in the tank
that’s awesome you know like you when you
strip away all the input
all the sensory
input you’re just left with the mind
outside of the body
your brain literally is unconnected to your
body because it’s not getting any information from it
in la it’s over simulated
everywhere new york
city in our
in our offshore patient
overstimulation
not just over
stimulation but a lot of
bizarre stress
and our occupation because i apologize
if i’m accepted
i’m putting
bizarre stress on you now no
no you’re not
at all you know you’re not you know i know
you know i know the people
yeah well people are
freaking out he’s talking
about dick joe’s
gonna be so mad
this is working with andy for five years is what we did
every day so you’ve
never seen his dick ever
i’m sure he
does i think i
might have we
kicked him out of the
scene there was a
scene where i had
to pull my it
was it was fucking
thick meaty
it was meaty there was a
scene where i was supposed to be
naked and they had to kick andy out of the studio
i was totally
naked and i was
went over to catherine’s
place you made me yeah
you fucking
leering and shit staring at my
hog watch cut it out
buddy cut out
cut out all the hogs darren
would have been fun
um you know what’s funny
before we got to that
we were talking
about something the tank the tank
but what were you oh
you need to try it man that’s my
point you can
do it you know what’s
funny about andy
is when i do
open mics you know we’re always talking
about different
comics and stuff but
every time we
anyone talks
about andy dick
it’s always like
dude andy dick was at my
house last night he was just walking around going
hey do you guys got beer and then he just went into the
apartment he hung out for like
five hours like
every single person has a
story like that
did you at one time used to just wander the
just last year
i do these things called someone attack you
did someone beat you up or attack you or something like
that a tmz guy i pushed i pushed his
camera away
and he got mad and
actually i grabbed his mic
snapped it off
and then i was
like talking into it but it wasn’t attached
and so what did he do he pushed me over pushed me
really it’s on it’s on
so that is not you salt
yeah if i wanted to but you know what
i wouldn’t win
you don’t think you’d win well no
nobody would believe me was there a
video they’re out
you really not
allowed to be just shoving people like that i didn’t
yeah he shouldn’t
the only way you’re supposed to ever
shove someone is if they get in your face
and you’re protecting yourself i
think yeah i think
when you come up to someone and just
shove he shot me
my back did you hear
about that woman that got
knocked out
i think it was in new york
a guy and a
woman were arguing over a parking spot
and the chick was four feet 11 100
pounds and the guy was a
small guy too he was only like
150 pounds but he
punched her
she hit him a
bunch of times and then he
punched her and
knocked her
unconscious and she fell back and
bounced her head off the concrete
and now she’s
fucked she’s got
bleeding in the
brain they had to remove a section
of her brain
all over a fucking parking spot and she started
first though she hit him well supposedly that’s his
story but who
knows what will remember the guy was a felon
and he had aggravated assault
charges he had a
bunch of charges already in his past so he was
obviously not a fucking
preacher you know it wasn’t a choir boy
but it’s just it’s so sad when you know you hear
about violence over nothing like that
remember a few
maybe five years ago there was that road rage incident
where people i knew one of the people
barely i can’t even remember the who he was
and they got out of their cars
to continue
screaming at each
other and then
the one guy took out a
knife and stabbed him oh
right god road rage
a friend of mine
a friend of mine when he was in high school
there was a kid who was imported
to the school from jamaica i came from jamaica
and like imported straight
we was imported he came from another country
isn’t that what it is
i don’t import students
you import products
so you import this psychopath
this guy anyway
they get in a fight
an argument
about something they go outside
kid pulls out a fucking
giant kitchen knife
like a big jamaican guy a
jamaican guy a jamaican
guy and just stabs the fuck out of this kid
while these
suburban high
school kids are
freaking out and screaming
no one’s ever seen any violence at all
a little fist fight
this guy pulls out a
knife he’s coming straight from jamaica
and just stabs the fuck out of his kid
no he didn’t
die but he was in the hospital for almost a year
like he had to have like 10 different
surgeries his
whole body was just i mean he
stabbed him like four or five
times in the guts
and the guy
literally you know
he’s got cut open like a fish i’ll
never be the
same thinking
of stabbing in the guts
what i never did hear
anything more
about arty lang
when what happened
i don’t know
i don’t know i you know
we love that
dude i love
him we have the same lawyer
do you yeah anybody
i don’t i don’t
see him i don’t
talk to him he’s in new york i’m out of here
i know i had done the
stern show since he had been on it
so i have his book i’m reading it he’s doing
great as that must be a rich lawyer i
did it once or
i did it actually no i did it a few times
while he was on it but
i didn’t keep in
touch with him unfortunately but i did
had run into this guy once it was
a real sad moment was way before the attempted suicide
we were at a bar
and this guy
it was at a
ufc event and this guy
apparently was friends with arty’s assistant
and he just didn’t
know like the assistant didn’t know what the fuck
to do nobody knew what to do no one knew what to stop
but they all
thought that he was on this dark dark road it was all
like everyone was scared for him
you know and the guy was like you know
could you call him up
what would i say you know
hey arty that’s what people are saying joe
rogan who you barely know you
you know i worked
with you on man tv in nineteen ninety four and i
just hung out with you a few times at comedy clubs and
stuff and i went
to see him at the i mean i don’t know him enough to be
to be exactly the same with me and
charlie sheen
really hung
out a little little bit
than when i was having my darkest hour
during less than perfect and
you know they
literally said go into rehab or you’re
fired and i went
then just fire me i mean
it was that dark and
they brought
charlie sheen in
machine they brought
him in talk to you but
he was sober at the time and he really did help me i
started doing
meanings i got sober and he helped me
that’s why i
i don’t remember i just remember
thinking oh this is cool charlie
she’s fucking
badass it was a fucking cool and you take a
picture with them put them on your facebook no their
facebook wasn’t around yet even
but but that’s
why i reached out to him because i all the
all my people are saying you
gotta help your boy and
the same thing
that my boy and he helped me up and i’m like
who am i being
selfish here so i’m called
i didn’t know his number i don’t know how to
reach him but then
when he was on howard
stern i’m like
oh i have howard’s number i can just call now
right and so i called in but i was calling
i was calling from the shed
and i had a really shitty
connection and
not out oh no
he’s like oh hey
buddy and we
started to talk
and then oh
shit i could have helped
and then they put then i really
think that you
could have helped
possibly had i got on the
phone because
if i can get over there
and my energy
is infectious if i can get over there
he i could i
think i could get him to stop i tell you what
i got my assistant to stop
drinking then he had you had a fucking
seizure on my
kitchen floor
but i just said that’s all
the more reasons that you really need to fucking stop
right a long period of time
right but it seems like charlie sheen
what he’s doing
i mean the way he’s
behaving and acting
he’s got this
crazy like i’m invincible
thing going
on yeah something’s you know
that’s what happens is that a manic
thing what is that yeah the ego i don’t know it i
think it’s from
i mean he admits he smokes
these rocks
these seven
gram rocks do you know how much that is
that would be
about i would say
to under this
much cocaine
and not just snorting
little smoking
smoking rocks
how he’s like an
ox well he’s
gonna suffer
in his older
years oh yeah
well he’s suffering right now
something’s
going on yeah
i’ve known you can come back
you can bounce back
i mean i think
people that back in the day had
heavy cocaine
habits and they
almost all developed
neurological problems
like like fucking parkinson’s and all kinds of show
guys who have like
heavy duty like hollywood
style smoking it and
they get fucked
with richard pryor
those guys they get fucked up when they get older
oh yeah you know
i was wondering i was
wondering if michael j
foxes even remember he made that
movie bright
lights big city
where i was like
you would remember that
he was like in the bathroom
we dropped in the toilet
and like i wonder if he that’s
by the same guy who made american psycho isn’t it
isn’t it by the
bread east and
ellis didn’t he
write that as well
i like he did he writes
all those goddamn
crazy dark movies not all of them but he
writes i didn’t like american psycho
you did what
the book sue me
i remember getting in an argument with someone
not an argument
but rather a disagreement with someone
about the book
where they were saying all he does is like describe all
these really fucked up scenes
and i’m like man i couldn’t disagree more
like he’s making he’s not passing any judgment all the
things he sees and describes to you
but i wouldn’t say that it’s just making a
bunch of shit up
he’s really
accurately painting
a character
assessment of a fucking sociopath
a psychopath
like to me it seemed like
he was making
yeah he was making all the
connections the way a psychopath
would make it
i thought it was brilliant
you know but
you know there’s a lot of people that don’t like
those kind of movies
the violence and
the death and the
blood that doesn’t bother me
i like that part there’s just really
you gotta admit there was no
story less than zero or american psycho
american psycho
less than zero well
american psycho the book had more of a story
but you know
it’s always the case you know you try to whittle down
a book into a couple
hours of film it’s just
what was the last film you liked
i haven’t don’t ask me because i haven’t
been to a movie in a
while i liked
i liked i’m
saving my money
i’m saving my money
i’m saving my
money to put a bathroom in my shed yeah
you have a bathroom what do you do now just you
gotta go and
mountain dew cans
mountain to like big
big wide mountain a whole
whole outside i have a
i say a bucket
to make it to once
again downplay it
right let me explain by the way i put in five
grand to pimp it out
right really really
nice it’s like a man cave it’s gorgeous so you’re
planning on staying there
i’m gonna stay there
until my kids are 18 or
over and you guys have an
agreement that’s five more
years she’s
great oh no
yeah it’s up and down you know i
many days i’m like i can see why we’re not
going out anymore
she’s i’m crazy she’s a little crazy
and we just
put the crazy mashes together
yeah but a lot of time but i can just go to my man cave
and watch netflix or do whatever
jerk off to porn
that’s nice
so you’re right there with your kids
i’m right there and thank
god because it’s at a time
where especially
jacob he’s 16 he really needs me to be there
and whether he wants it or not there’s been times
where he’s been
screaming at my face but i just
i just absorb it and i just i’m thinking
you know this is just years and years of
anger just let it
come out and i just absorb it like a sponge and
i don’t get mad back
i’m much like
he deserves i deserve to be yelled at
and i just let him
get and now we’re just like super
fucking close
and and same with my
daughter who is thirteen i’m
five more years and
they’re adults like i said
lucas is as an
adult in new york on his own
do you were using
lucas on one of your shows
weren’t you didn’t
you have him in the audience for some of your shows
which show you when you’re doing live shows
and oh no no he
no when we when we and i
still do this when we go around the country
which i took a
break from because the last time
the last time i did it is is when
you know i got i went to jail
again a year ago
it’s like are you kidding me
i had the best show of my fucking life i went out
had a little wine
and i started making out with this guy
and the guy was like 30 years old everybody
this is one
thing i didn’t talk
about all year because there’s a lawsuit
still up in the air you know like that
so i’m not allowed to talk
about it’s kind of over now so why are you talking
about it because it’s kind of over
it’s kind of over yeah we’re
at the tail end of it let’s say
but anyhow i’m making out with this guy
and he’s making out with me i don’t attack him
you know i talk and then we
start we’re making out
his girlfriend comes up went berserk
his girlfriend
brother is a cop
suddenly there’s 20 cops
they’re tapping me
going come with me
hand coming just
very very angry
it’s a from you know the
mason dixon line all the way down
south it’s just filled with homophobes
right where was this
it was in um
west virginia this is in west virginia
it’s science
wow you read making out with
a dude in a bar in west virginia consensual consensual
man consensual
i didn’t right
never again that’s
the last time i did the shows have been over a year ago
was the best
show ever but when i do the show back to the point
when i do my live show
lucas opens for me
and that’s all it is
he’s not in the audience i do
plant a couple people
but i do i do i do this
thing i don’t want to give it away
but i get the people there
it’s always someone new
so you were you were
suing the town
i’m not they were suing you yeah wow
it seems like you
should be able to sue them
i know once again your
story is the boy
who cries wolf
oh no it’s completely accurate
we went there
i hired the best lawyer in town
and i’m taking a
picture of you for my folks
they love you so much what happened in columbus ohio
here we go um
i was just pissing this you do the thumbs up
again that’s good you’re pissing in the
street and columbus ohio
i’m doing another one because you
close your eyes
hang on just here we go
um well you know what when you
drink as much beers i do
right i thought it was something
else i thought you peed on a person or something no
i’m not like that well
the lines that you
boom won’t cross
so now you’ve been sober for
three months are you doing
a program what are you doing yes what are you doing
the program
alcohol ox anonymous is that what it is
or narcotics anonymous
if it was i
wouldn’t tell you
cause it’s anonymous oh
but you told me you’re doing a program
it’s like just a
secret p90x let’s call it yeah
let’s call p90x
no no i have i yeah i’m doing i’m doing
everything everything
known to man
they can do
everything known i’ve always you can assume
i’m doing a
okay i’ve always been fascinated by
those those
those programs that try to
reset the way you’re
thinking they were they approach that they
weren’t they
would they do they were give you patterns
at the very
least it was positive
thinking that’s at the very
least right
at the very most
at the very most i don’t know what you believe in
spiritually but at the very most you’re actually
making like a conscious
contact with god
right that’s at the very most
and then but
at the very
least if it’s if it’s positive thinking
fuck it that’s
good enough sure you know if you’re praying
then pray prayer at the very least is
positive thoughts you know you’re
you’re not sitting there
worrying or
or or or being
angry you’re praying you’re
at the once
again i’ll say one more time
at the very
least your positive
thinking remember that back in the 70s
positive thinking yeah yeah
i’m writing i love joe rogan
should i write i love joe rogan
stay on the subject
i wanna know
what it’s like what is it like when you go into this
thing and you have to sort of
submit okay i have a problem
you know well the
weird thing for me
about the program and i’m
gonna say it
again it fucking
works if you
submit and you subscribe and you you let go
and let them
they literally in the program they say let us
think for you let us hold you up let us
be let us love you
until you love yourself and
like let us love you
until you learn to love yourself
and that’s fucking awesome
you get these people in there
fifty years sober
twenty years sober even one year sober
even i have
three months even the guy that has four
months sober
i’m like wow this guy
i wanna hang out with him he’s got one more
month of me
but you know i’m
the guy that has that knows the program inside and now
i’ve had three years of sobriety
in a row you
know that that’s when i did the antidic show
three years sober i don’t know if you know that hmm
three years now
the other thing
is is i don’t like
this is me personally i’m i’m
gonna preface
it by saying once
again it works
i’ve seen people
get sober and stay sober
i’ve seen people
go into the program and if they drop out of the program
they’re fucked
right right so so but the
thing that that
weirds me out and it’s a it’s a
thing and it’s an american
thing is that
they call they call it
a disease okay this is
where i start getting weird
so if alcoholism is a disease
i have a disease
so it has to be treated
and it has to be treated by
in the program there’s certain
things there’s
steps and and that’s how you
treat it like in cancer
you know the
the i don’t know what you
think about
when people get cancer and they get radiation or they
or the chemotherapy or whatever like that
i don’t believe in all that
stuff i don’t
i don’t there’s
other ways to do it you know like the gerson
therapy you know
about that but
chemotherapy
is incredibly effective
on people that have cancer
there’s a lot of
people alive
today because
i agree certainly
organic diets and all
those things are
absolutely fantastic for
you but they’re pretty goddamn good with chemotherapy
these days it can it can really help yeah
yep you know
i know what you’re saying though
you’re much better off having a very healthy diet and
nutrient rich diet and you’ll probably
avoid a lot of
stuff well watch the movie
it was a call a beautiful
truth or the beautiful
truth it’s about the
curse and therapy
you’ll okay but anyhow
so here’s the dichotomy that
bugs the fucking
shit out of me the disease
so i’m diseased
right let’s just take me
and you dick
so the law look
at that look at that poor fool he’s he’s got a disease
right alcoholism
so then when i’m on the streets of hollywood
in the midst
and in the throes
t h r o e s
that when i’m
right there in
the middle of my disease
up to my eyeballs in
the sickness of it all and
what i’m talking
about is like
stumbling around and i can’t
you know like help me
why do people
laugh at that
and take pictures of it
oh come on you’re playing
dumb you know exactly why they do it but that’s a
freak show that exactly but that’s the economy
if you saw if you saw somebody with
with multiple sclerosis with
those with those
things that
that with those
those those um
sticks that you walk with you and go
haha look at him
taking videos
way over simplifying
it it’s not that simple it’s not is something
if that’s i am
simplifying it’s that simple
they that you’d have much more sympathy
and much more
compassion for somebody who really does have a disease
so that’s the my point
so so do i have a disease or not you fucking assholes
listen if yeah if you don’t feel good
if you’re sick and if you have issues it’s a disease
if it’s a mental disease of addiction it’s a disease
any addiction
to jerking off is a disease do you have that how
often do you jerk off
i’m pretty good
about it just like once a day no more than once a day
what about your girl
i fuck her every day
whenever i want to
settle down
creepy motherfucker
i’m sending addiction
i don’t have an addiction
issue in that regard
i have addictions
to games i have addictions i get addictions to
activities what’s your favorite game right now
i don’t i don’t play any
video games you stop i can’t do it
i have the same
thing i play online for 8 10
hours in a time i can’t stop it’s too much fun
can really fucking fun it really is
you know i stopped back at toe jam and earl
i don’t know
what that is
i played all the way to the end
you remember toe jam and
earl yeah what was that on nintendo
yeah i think was on
toe jam and earl
i beat the fucking
thing and then i went you know what now
i’m done well you said well
i don’t understand why you’re getting
upset about this
classification
the classification
of addiction i don’t know why because i don’t
believe it’s a disease i
think i drink a fucking ass load
i think i have a problem
i drink a lot i don’t
think it’s a disease all right
let me tell you this if it’s a disease
if i had multiple sclerosis
why are you
being silly
i’m not being
silly you’re
simplifying it
it’s not a disease there’s a
bunch of different kinds of diseases
just like there’s a
bunch of different kinds of drugs
caffeine is a drug explain to me
why caffeine
is a drug explain to me
of different reasons why
why it’s a disease yeah why i am you’re sick
you have a mal'
ease i’m not
drinking now no
right now you’ve figured out how to stop doing it for a
while but if
you have cancer can you figure out how to not have
cancer so it’s the type of disease that you can cure it
doesn’t mean it’s not a disease
i didn’t and
when you woke up you have it like an
apple did you want alcohol
right when you
woke up this morning no no like
like when you were
into oh yeah
i said right when you woke up you wanted to
drink i needed
to really i’d have you
and your body addicted to it
i would get
weird isn’t it
strange that we become physically
addicted and connected to substances that are bad
for us that is
weird so what a
bizarre human
trait i know that’s why my friend
my assistant who is my friend
collapse right
flapping around
like a fucking fish because he didn’t do it the
right way he wasn’t careful about yeah
taper off man was he would
drinking a lot as i
guess so i would ask him
right he lives in orange county
and he did say a week ago i’m in kind of a bad
place and i said well
get your shit together
and get up here i need help he has a
truck and i bought this
loft bed i’m trying to open my space up
right in my shed
i got this gigantic
queen bed that takes up half the
thing so now i’m getting a
loft bed and
i’m gonna have a whole tour
i’ll send you
pictures you
gonna do like a youtube video
andy dix cribs i
just invite you over
i thought about doing
the you stream you know when you stream
first came out i was on it for
i was addicted
to it i was sober because i was wearing that
ankle thing
there was another
whole year i had somebody
lindsay lohaned
ankle thing she wore it
for a month
i wore that fucking
thing for a year you fuck
a year fucking year it’s
horrible they made
you be sober for a year yeah
but it’s not even that i
could have swede
while you’re on that thing
i found that out like
in the last month
i was so fucking
cause there was only a month left
but i was fine have a great day
so you thought that it was only everything
but it’s only alcohol
then i don’t know why i finally said wait a minute
and then i looked online i
asked a bunch of people
and i tested and i was
scared shitless
lindsey went to jail
if you drink on it you go to jail
i don’t like jail jail
is unpleasant what was the
rumor that she had gotten
it from kombucha tea
because kombucha
tea is fermented
but do you remember that
no i don’t remember that but that that would be
yeah that’s what they’re saying because
kombucha they pulled it off the shelves
gts kombucha they pulled their
hat off i know
about that but even if it’s even if it did so they
can tell yeah
because you can tell my name
because mine went
off a couple times when i was performing at nightclubs
because of the booze
vapors just coming up from the
floor what but they
can tell it was so minute
like it wasn’t even
a shot of booze
vapor that comes that’s what it’s like
i mean it’s pretty it’s
coming out of your pool
pretty sensitive yeah
very sensitive
how do you know did you have to wear one no i just know
about it i asked around
i can’t believe i wore it for a year you wore
it for a whole year
what did you
get arrested for that you had to wear it for a year
what was it
oh no that was the one i was talking about earlier
in buffalo wild wings into in
temecula and i couldn’t talk about it
ever so i could never
tell my side right but the way they describe it
is that i went up to this girl and ripped her top down
and not true at all i might someone’s baby
andy dick rips her top down
in the middle of wild wings it didn’t happen
first of all wild wings you know
she shouldn’t have been there after hours it’s a bar
and what did happen the thing is is that she was 17
she wanted an autograph and a hug and i gave her a hug
and that was it and then she said
that i ripped her
shirt you didn’t
say anything creepy to her no
maybe i said oh you’re so beautiful i’m always
complimenting everybody i always feel
obligated and the thing is that she was like overweight
she wasn’t very
attractive so you think and i always feel
obligated to give people compliments
like they need and they want it and it really
validates them if it’s coming from a celebrity you
ever feel that
that you feel
obligated to be like
why i definitely feel
obligated to be nice to people but i want to i
think you have a unique opportunity i know
someone to make them feel good
and that’s what i was
doing and then she fucking flipped it around
so she was just
crazy so we nuts
and then and and and it’s proven because
her friend called me
found me called me said
just so you know she’s playing you
and here’s the this is back during my
space she’s like here’s the myspace messages
that she’s sending to me and all her friends go
i got this guy and i’m gonna get
money out of him oh my god and
and and i and it was fun because i did
i did an interview for the
paper and i pretended to cry
wow you got all this on myspace
why don’t you put this online
because nobody will believe me i believe you i’ll
read it you’re
the only one i’ll tell everybody it’s true do you
understand the
boy who cried you have
these myspace messages you have the actual
photo of the
it’s too late
i’ve already done my time i wore the
things i wore the
thing for a
year the thing is over
it’s behind me
it’s done andy
dick com needs an update what’s this
bitch’s name
i don’t even know no don’t do that
no i really don’t know
i don’t know
right i want to
i’m telling you though people are
loving freaks
i’ll do a jpr
broadcast with
them and that’s not even
counting the people
worldwide how many
freaks are listening to this
thing loving it
my friends are loving in
russia my followers are loving
what we’re doing
right now they
love it powerful
the andy dick follows this
asshole say at
least you finally came out of the closet
people i’ve always talked
about liking guys from day
one this guy has not read all your interviews he’s
extrapolating
what he wants out of
russell smith
fucking let’s don’t do this
no i just read this and get all negative
you’re right i’m not like that are
yeah you’re
gonna really not i
wrote we had we already
tried this on the podcast don’t
we had a chat room for
a while impossible it
doesn’t work it
doesn’t it’s all
i love to do suck my nigger cunt
suck my nigger cunt is
someone say it like a hundred times
it’s like people just
would do anything
to get attention it’s like everybody wants to be here’s
what i mean
peoples do anything that’s what i love
about twitter i’m
in love with it because
i control my
world and it’s all
a bunch of lovers sure if there’s any
hater i come up with a creative way of saying
oh i’m sorry that you feel that way
how do you feel
about being
dot dot dot
dot dot dot i always go dot dot dot dot dot dot
dot dot blocked
and then i go to
their thing and i block them
right i block
all haters you know when someone i
block all haters
yeah that’s all good andy
but what we’re saying is when you read all this shit
while we’re online
while we’re doing it
right it cuts the conversation off yeah
right that we
learn want me to
close it yeah
close that shit
fuck you can’t go on twitter and just deal with all
these negative people and have
fights with
i don’t i don’t
that’s when you’re on a show like this
if you’re broadcasting something there’s a heightened
need to be paid attention to
so you get i
thought i thought that
you would have a lot to say
about somebody
who said that’s you finally committed clone
just what they’re
silly people out there man they don’t know you
they they should just go i
guess andy digs gay and i didn’t know it i’m not
gay by the way sometimes
i’ll be gay with you
gay for the stay come on joe just show me
gay for the stay what does that mean
mexicans use it in prison
they go to prison
they bone each
other they call it gay for the stay
what does that
mean just to make them make a deal they’re
gonna fuck some dudes
when they’re in jail and then when they get out there
okay for this day during the stay
while we’re in
prison we’re
gonna fuck some dudes and then when you get out
it’s all only girls well we’re
we’re in a sort of a prison of our own right now
is that your
sleazy guy voice
i wonder why you have been acting lately
you’re out of
here to practice
all the time
i just did csi
really would
you i have i did two episodes of community
with chevy chase
you don’t watch tv
with commuting
why watch movies on nbc
everything i
watch is strange
i’m probably
gonna be doing
i got offered two parts but i was not in a good place
and i said no both times and
i had not seen the show but it’s called drop dead diva
it’s a girl show
fucking love it
i’m addicted to it
what i love it i’ve seen
every episode
twice at least because i’m showing
it to all the
green i live in a
house of girls all i live in the shed
and in the in the main
house there’s five girls right
i said no because i was not in a good
place and they didn’t know the show i thought drop dead
diva it sounds like
a reality show about
about runway
models i didn’t know
but it’s a very clever
awesome show that does empower
women it’s all lifetime
so it’s a woman show but once
again i’m in love with it and margaret show
is on it and she said so
you know and
twice and then i finally saw him and i called
margaret back and i got in
touch with the creator’s name
josh and i said
dude i was out of my mind i don’t know what was
wrong with me
but you’re so fucking rocks
go try to see it i don’t know if you’ll like it
okay because
you’re your girl my life
shut up it’s not like fluffy girly
it’s like it’s
powerful women i bet your
girl i know her but i can’t remember jessica good wait
motherfucker
well you already said her name yeah
i fucked up once
what what what they
they don’t know her last what did farrah
fawcett taste like
what listen
i want to know
i want you to know
so what you’re trying to do now by all this
cleaning yourself up
you’re trying to really
start working again
that’s what you’re trying to do
it’s mostly for my kids but then after
a few weeks of being clean
i’m fucking bored
right yeah i’d
loved it i’d love to have it come back what makes you
i retired for like two years
what did you do nothing nothing
how’d you do that
it didn’t work out
through all your money too
right quickly
it’s horrible you got to make
money dude horrible you do you’re very good at it
you must not only
be well off on a day to day basis doing great
but you must have so
much fucking cash
tucked away
in accounts
maybe even buried in your fucking backyard
knowing you
i spent it all
on gold buddhist
i bet you do i bet
with all his conspiracy theories and all
the shit the
underground
weird shit is into because i know
my ex’s mom
is telling us buy
silver buy gold
buy bullion
and find a place and
bury it i’m
gonna tell you
right now do you let me
just ask you
sense that’s
so you don’t
have any silver you have any gold buried anywhere
no when this shit is
you’re gonna need bullets and gasoline
that’s what you’re
gonna need you’re not
gonna need gold i don’t give a fuck
about your golds do you have any venison
i need to feed my children
it’s not gonna be gold man that gold is nonsense gold
maybe a thousand years after the apocalypse
when people
start to develop
you know some sort of monetary system
again when you say gas
then you need to have a car
and you know you need to
light things on fire you shouldn’t go very far
you’re gonna i heard you need like a hummer
because when the
apocalypse comes it’s the thing there’s
earthquakes and there’s no roads anymore you need a car
you’re gonna need biofuel
you need a farm you
need to make corn and make your own fuel
well we’re halfway there look it’s we have
comp we have four compost heaps we
we’re getting
well it’s good to have
food that you
actually grow and develop in your own yard that’s a
definitely a goddamn
smart thing
i mean we trust so much in the food
system that’s in
place right now but
they’re constantly
finding new asteroids that are heading our way
constantly finding meteor impacts they just
found a big one in the congo
a big meteor impact
is this your masturbation lotion
am i this isn’t even my fucking
house dude hold
on that’s talking
about yeah everyone dies
it’s not bad
it’s right by the computer
oh just lotion bro
all the shit you say
and you pick up his lotion
that’s freaking you out here
this is better
you really honestly though
your name are you red band yeah okay
everybody’s talking
about you on
my thing so you really do use this to masturbate
yeah that’s for that computer
when i’m over there dickey and he hid it behind here
no i think when he’s on this computer he has this
yeah on on this computer
he has that
i just spit on my hand when i’m on that
couch what it what happens to you when the
wheels fall off
what it what is it that makes you
know you’ve gone
but no no if you’ve gone like all
these years without being
with without
drinking or anything you’ve gone like
three years in a row being
completely sober what
what sets it off
what gets you
right back to it when you know that it’s bad for you
well i just seems fun
but that’s the
point i get to a
place where
you know what
i can have i can drink a little
beer i can have well i can smoke a little pot
and then it it doesn’t happen overnight you slowly
slow it takes
months and months and really really do you ever
start out like yo hey i’ll just have a little beer and
smoke a little pot and then that
night i’m looking for coke
no i was gonna say then stop doing it for a couple
of weeks yeah i’ve done that
and then start up again and
i’ve been able dabbling in the world i just
honestly is it an impulsive
thing or is it a physical thing
i think i honestly think the crux
of the issue is boredom
and i get to a place and i
argue with dr drew about this
i ask him right to his face do you
think i’m an alcoholic
he doesn’t even answer he just laughs
hysterically
doesn’t say yes or no i mean
the answer is in his laughter
right but but to me that doctor drew he’s a
sweetheart yeah
laughs at you
no but ask him if you’re an alcoholic
no he really isn’t
he is i know it really is he’s helped me
immensely i just called him
yesterday yeah well because mike
well i talked to him
as a we’re doctor patient
now have you ever been on a show of course yeah
celebrity rehab yeah
yeah remember i was in the sober
house you didn’t know that i really don’t
watch tv i try not to watch
those things is doctor jerry a gentle kisser
brian he’s like me
me and him if you weren’t here we would talk
about raping him no
it’s a good looking guy but hey
hey come on not my style shut him down
shut him down his own
at least make the boy feel good hmm
so have you
let me ask red man one
quick question
have you ever had a homosexual experience
no yeah what
part the fuck is that
even if it’s just a little looking or
well you know what the is really he’s a girl so every
experience he has with girls is a homosexual experience
cause you’re a girl
so he’s like i’m a
girl i mean
technically the gayest
thing i ever did i used to play doctor with my friend
growing up but we played doctor on
other girls
so while you were
naked that was
kinda gay while you were naked
huh would you be
naked yeah we all be naked
three girls
and me and this guy but we were like
12 why would the doctor need to be naked huh
why is the doctor
named hey don’t ask questions
don’t ask questions
don’t ask questions
he’s a malpractice doctor
what the fuck i
smell of they
believed it they believed it
andy dick knows a
thing or two
about lawsuits he sees one coming
you might want to listen
when andy dick says you’re on the path to ruin wow
you better listen you
might as well
you might want
to pull over and read the map there’s nothing
wrong with tricking some
eight year old girls
well when you’re eight
when you’re eight
well i don’t
think you’re really
tricking them they’re all
tricking each
other well obviously
that wasn’t a good doctor like he said
doctors don’t take off
their clothes they doing some you porn
videos there’s a
few with the doctor takes office i
mean i am it must happen
you know because you always hear
about dentist molesting
their patients when they’re out yeah
it must it must be like
attractive doctors
you see that
we see yeah that was what that was steven root
steven root plays louis
ck’s dentist
yes and and he puts them under
and then he
starts he’s
literally just
tripping out and then he goes into a
dream and he’s i
saw my bin laden
he’s talking to osama
bin lana who
is i think that’s
chuck sklar yeah
chuck sklar
playing osama
and then he
starts osama or one of his
his minions of one of osama’s minions starts
giving him a banana
unveiled him go
just take it eat it
it’s a banana and just a banana
oh no no that’s steven root in the
dream yeah in the
dream it’s steven root
comes into his
dream saying it’s just a banana
take it but it’s
like i said the peel
still on it yeah
and he wakes up and then
and then steven reed is
zipping up the zipper and
going you’re done
there was nothing
wrong with your
teeth you’re
done you’re fine move it’s such a good episode it
was so hardcore
i love that
show even roots
stuck his dick in
louis c case
mouth as a dentist it must happen
all the time it does it happened to a friend of mine i
wrote a song
about it yeah what happened
he said that he got put
under but then he said that he liked it
and he would go back
he said he got put under
to the point
where the dentist fucked him
jesus christ
that’s crazy
he said he liked it he kept going back
he said he learned to like it and probably
learn to like if he was out cold how does he
learn to like you wake up with coming right
i don’t know i don’t know if he was alcohol i think
if i said that i take it back
i think he just got to the
place where it was he was just so
you know that
stuff is hardcore
i remember what is it called
nitrous oxide
nitrous oxide
i take it when if i have i
haven’t gone
to the dentist in years i really just i used to
sell it i’m afraid of it
but i remember just
i would always say i
would take it on your own without
a dentist no
no no at the dentist’s office
i would say
i would feel it and i’m
gonna i still
i don’t feel anything
it’s like i
would make them
turn it up and i can hear it going
i can hear it
going on i’m like i still
i still i really i still feel
completely normal but really i’m like
starting to roll
things are echoing like that
like i feel like a memory
then i start
streaming conscious
just so you can
crank it to the max
why is screaming
i started screaming
bring home the good doctor
how are you staying
awake are they
shocked that the dosage they’re able to give you i
think so your tolerance must be through the
room for everything out there
yeah must be
your body’s probably oh we got some new shit it
process it process it
we’re working boss double time double time
they’re just
mopping up whatever the fuck you’re taking in
they just a
whole crew a
cleanup crew like for the valdez oil spill
a bunch of dudes in orange suits
throughout your body
just ready to
rush off toxic
i’m telling you my body
is my friend
about three years ago said you
i’ve never seen anybody
drink as much as you do
i’m sending you to my doctors
a specialist
is gonna take
blood test is
gonna do a liver test a kidney test all
these fuck yes
after we got done fucking
oh you did it he put each other
every fucking test
and this is in the
midst of me drinking i said fine i’ll do it
cause you know you might be right and i wanna stay
alive i don’t wanna die right
every test came back and they said
you have the liver
of a fifteen year old soccer player
you are completely healthy your blood is
hundred percent
awesome you were drinking
all the time all the time but i was also fifteen
year old soccer player but i was also
drinking this i was also doing this and
and i and i do exercise like i said
back then i used to run five
miles a day all that
stuff is just
cleaning up all the alcohol and the exercise
but like i said i’m
stone cold sober
and i plan on being this way for a very long time
too many people have died
you know mike star
just about mike star yesterday
and mike do
you step on
austin chains
bassist yeah and he was on celebrity rehab they played
a clip on him on the opine anthony show this morning a
clip of him
calling in somewhere
and talking
to like a drug dealer or something like that you know
asking for weed and he’s just
slurring his words
it’s really hard to
understand what the fuck he’s saying yeah
i honestly believe god is putting this in my face
and saying you’re next mr dick
clean it up
my assistant flopping around on my
kitchen floor with
blood everywhere
why don’t you just get like a really big guy
as an assistant and so in like you’d pay i’m like look
don’t let me fucking ever
drink or that
doesn’t work
no no i have to just want it
that doesn’t work because
then you don’t know andy
and you try to
keep it away from him like that it’ll repress he’ll go
crazy and they’ll do
everything in your face i’m
drunk look i’m
drunk in your face
fucking right going
shots and you tell him your idea for a game show
it’s called let’s get andy dick arrested
and it’s what it is
it’s a show
they just where’s the game part
now that just just happens
naturally a
young boy in his
underwear rings your doorbell ding dong
you’re like come on in
cops tackle you
it’s like no no that’s a myth by the way i don’t go
after young girls or boys oh sixteen
seventeen every
every guy and
girl i’m with i have a girlfriend right now
she’s 21 you know they’re always in their
20 have you ever thought of having a tranny
that would seem like that you would be so attracted to
tranny chinese no
when i like
i like my women to be women
and i like my men to be men right
and i keep them separate
and i also don’t like threesomes i’ve had a couple
i like i’ll have a girlfriend i’ll be like
black guy is so cute let’s let’s have a threesome
and what it always happened
twice and i don’t do it anymore and ultimately
it’s those two you know i fuck and and then
and then he’s there and i’m kind of into him
but then they start fucking and then i’m
standing next to the bed going are you guys almost done
i don’t like it
i’ll never do it
again hilarious you should talk
about that on stage yes i just did that’s over
do you do standby
you can recreate that
do you still do stand up i gotta
start writing i do this
weird you’ve never seen my show i do this weird
conglomeration of
music and i tell stories like that i have
never told that
and like i said
music and i do characters at the very end
daphne aguilera
comes out i don’t know if you know that character
daphne aguilera you can go watch
it from your
mtv show yeah
i love that show by the way
thank you i love it coleman
i was the best
the best i went to e last
week and they said
because they’re talking
they want me
to do a show i’d be awesome and this is the
first time this has ever happened
what do you
wanna do andy what kind of show do you
wanna do i was dumbfounded i was like
you’re asking me like what i
wanna do right
maybe they’re doing that with you
because you’re
very very popular and with the fear factor
audience and what
yeah like you’re just
happy you’re just comfortable
probably for the rest of your life but
i gotta get a show
going and i said
and i was like
i was cornered and i didn’t
i wasn’t expecting
that kind of question what do you want to do andy
but immediately i said i want to do the andy
dick show again
do it again no
right so fucking
great you never saw it
i did i saw the
marilyn manson
sketch was awesome i
also because i just posted it
today because somebody was asking
about no i’d seen it before
years ago yeah
it’s very funny i love your music too
thank you yeah
i mean you a lot of people don’t even know that you
do me but he
is one a great
musician a great
song environment for you like a
crazy stay tuned
itunes i have
three albums
yeah what happened to it
what happened why did it get cancelled
what was the
issue do you remember lisa no
you don’t remember lisa she was an intern newsradio
the blonde girl that became your
girlfriend remember tony
remember tony
at pearlston gray
i remember her walking into that dark
stage twenty four what was it to
you because you’re so high
you don’t remember
i’m not that high you’re not high anymore at all
right now yeah i’m high but
i’m not that high i just don’t remember the number the
stage i probably
wouldn’t remember don’t get
angry please
see this is what he
thinks is angry i’m
still thinking
no no i can hear i can
hear it all this here
building up
crazy sauce
he builds up
crazy socks
and when he wonders why i go andy shut the fuck up
just so angry
it’s not angry
for no reason it’s never
angry for no reason
it’s reacting to your insanity trying
to anyhow overcome
the environment that you’re in
tony walked in
with this girl
and i swear to god
there was in this dark
stage it felt like there was a shaft
like a beam of
light just coming down on her
and she was shut she was
lighting up yours
actually had to be mine
and tony looked over at me and she told me this
later she said that tony said
look you can date anyone
you want in hollywood
don’t date andy
so the same
thing exact
happened like
a big guy trying to keep andy from
drinking he
she immediately
felt pressure to date andy andy was the forbidden
fruit yes he
sealed the deal he held
that sentence
he sealed the deal of course because we went out
for five years for him she was working for five years
the most power for her
woman she’s
still to me it was my
glass ceiling on women
so what happened
wanted if she’s married
we were both
crazy no the tv show you said it fall
apart because of this girl i was
that that was the
i was sober
three years of sobriety
and she really helped i
said that sobriety
you put an extra
syllable in there i don’t know
but she was
key in keeping me sober but
i basically replaced drugs and alcohol
with her pussy
i mean i fucked her there was one time
one day i fucked her nine times in a day
i mean i just
just couldn’t
keep my dick out of her if it was my choice
i would just have my dick in her and i go
everywhere with my dick inside of her i
couldn’t fuck her enough
and i fucked her so
one of those
things to where you wonder
when you’re like i can’t believe she’s fucking me
every time she was so hot
every time so you remember she
was a ten right
oh god like an eleven
and she’s married now with kids
she married madonna’s guitar player now they’re
gonna be able to find her
she’s gonna hate that i’m talking about
whoopsies yep sorry
you weren’t married to her were you no we
could have gotten married we really were in love i was
but you know it was lust
lost because i remember not really
her company i didn’t enjoy just just wanted to shut
up take clothes off let me
for five years
you kept it
going with just shut up take your clothes off i
wouldn’t say that but i yeah
you know did you put her on your show
yeah i put on yeah
you can see her on the show yeah
if you go to andydict com i
spent 10 grand to put up
everything that i’ve ever written and directed
oh cool and if you go to the it’s called awesome
video clues whatever
you go there and yet and all these little buttons go
boom boom boom the one that has
dave grohl’s
face from the foo fighters
it’s very tiny you really
have to look and find it’s hard for me to even find
it is the one that she’s in she’s in a couple
she’s also in the
the humpographer
that outcast is in
i had all these
great people
on my show captain
griffin so i
still didn’t explain how did the show fall
apart because i
because i stopped
putting any any
attention or
effort or i i
the show was like a pain in my ass like
i can’t i don’t i don’t want to work i don’t want to
write i don’t wanna
look at what the writers are writing i don’t
wanna rewrite i don’t wanna
even show up to work i gotta pro
i’m like trying to hang on to my girlfriend
and this horrible situation
started happening with her and a celebrity
really yeah it was bad oh he was fucking her yeah
oh carrie coleman
you were trying to hang on to her yeah
and then i you want to name the guy
well i used to talk
about it but i don’t well then it’s already out there
then let them find it
i don’t wanna
bring it up because i forgive it it’s not his
fault of course it’s not
the weird thing is
we’re at real food daily
we’re sitting down
and he comes up and i knew him he’s a very
famous movie star
and i’m like
oh hey meet my
girlfriend lisa
you know what he
teaches acting classes
you should take
classes with him he’s
great he’s like the best in town
oh i know who’s coming
don’t say it
what is his
first initial
jay yeah because he probably did it with you no no i
heard stories
and then i would say within weeks they’re fucking
yeah he did it to a friend of mine
the same all over the friend of mine was he was
dating an accident
and they were at
they were at listen to this
they were at his house
and the phone rang
i guess his
girlfriend was living with them
the phone rang at like
three o’clock
in the morning and this guy is on the answering machine
like he calls out and she
jumps out of bed to answer the call and then takes the
phone and leaves the room right
yeah like was there any
movie playing on the tv
joe i had i
started joe that
might give a hint
no don’t don’t don’t don’t because i don’t want
it wasn’t the fly
there’s no movie
i don’t know what you’re talking
about well it’s just talking about like you remember
what listen i’m not
gonna tell my story don’t hate the player
i had a story good
about well i started
well i started to record conversations i have tapes of
those guys talking yeah
tapes of her and him talking about
how to get rid of me whoa
they were kidding whoa
why don’t you go on a vacation
and you can take it literally this is one of them
and take a picture of him
like at the grand canyon near a
cliff and just tell him to keep backing up
whoa oh it got really sickening whoa that’s whoa
someone’s talking about killing you you gotta pee again
you got a urinary tract infection
you mean evans premium lager
evans premium lager when i
drink i like to
drink when you come back
you just saving
up for a comeback wow this is the strangest
podcast of all time how
bizarre is this podcast it’s pretty great
you enjoying it yeah i
think this is the best
thing ever the best
thing ever i
would love to do this
every week with andy
dick i think it
would be the best
you and i have
completely different taste
why would this be the best
thing because you guys are
you guys act like an old married
couple and it’s so fascinating
we always did i know but it’s so fascinating to
watch because
it’s it’s like
not like a normal person that
you know forced into this sort of a dichotomy it’s
great i fucking love it
you’re welcome
i used my strong
stream of urination to
clean off the globules
of shit that were stuck
inside yeah that’s so
funny you said that i
cleaned it off thank you
do you do you have like ass
explosions no no the girl that was
spent the night last night did
i’m talking there was
it’s not who i
bet you’re not
nothing nothing
how long have we been on like
more than an hour we usually do two
hours oh i’m ready
like an hour and a half in
i’m into it somewhere like that
don’t you hate when you’re trying to
clean the shit and it just won’t
come off with your pee so you try harder and harder
yeah fuck well i did
i got poop stories i got every
you got a lot
of people off
there’s one that’s kind of
under the rim
i have to run you ever had a guy i don’t
even know how it got there
um no and i’m
what’s the oh man
because i fucked its well because i peed on both
are a couple of umers
oh you have people
inch only like one
at the roseville
hotel at the hotel everybody was in
i just thought it was funny
everybody was in the hot tub guys and girls and i
i only will
do it if i know they can wash it off i’ll do it like
i’ll pee on people in the shower
cause you can wash
it right off
and it’s fine i’ll pee on i peed on lisa i peed on my
boyfriends and
girlfriends
what the fuck i’m just
rinse it off we’re in the fucking shower
so here they are there’s a
bunch of people i remember only one of
my friends he was a fat guy
it’s not a sexual thing from it’s more
getting fun me
i’m laughing hysterically
and i’m just and
they sit there and it takes them
like at least five or ten
seconds to realize even what’s
going on because it’s so unheard of
but i’m just peeing
going in a circle peeing on all of them like
what is going
and then they
scream and they’re like
ah and then you know they have to wash it off
joey diaz was at a gay club once
he tells this story it’s
like who is he joey diaz’s
funniest guy that’s ever lived wow
stand up comedian
he’s a buddy of ours he was at a gay club
and there was a big line to go to the bathroom
and there was a guy in a bathtub
like lying there in his
underwear and it just had a sign that said spit on me
and people would walk by and spit on him
while the club was going on and there’s this giant line
to go to the bathroom i really almost
threw so joey goes
hey you mind if i piss on you
the guy goes sure go ahead
so joey because he didn’t want to wait in line
to go all the
way to the bathroom just pissed on i don’t like it
see i don’t i have a weak stomach for that shit i make
you sick really i
really have you’re
so strange i will always
do it in the
water they were in
the water the other one
and everyone else is in the shower but
it’s disgusting i saw
a thing of i shouldn’t be
alive that show
have you seen that show yes i
should not be
alive what it was called
and there was this this this family a couple and two
daughters and then
they were dying in the desert
and then the little girl said mommy
can i tell you something my
teacher said you can
drink your own pee
and then so the mother
urinated in a bottle
and made and the daughter
drank it she
drank it the one that didn’t drink it
her kidneys shut down she
started to die
she was practically dead but she did come they rescued
everybody and they came back to life
wow yeah but even
watching that show my
point was that i
started i had to plug my ears
when they showed
her like reenacting
pissing in the bottle
and they showed a yellow liquid and they showed him
drinking it and
even knowing it was a reenactment i was
still like really
gonna throw up
that’s hilarious
all the shit
that you’ve done
you watch a guy
drink piss that
freaks you out
girls if you girls
drink piss it
whether is a guy or girl guy or girl
i’ve drunk pissed before
no you have this sure
for what reason you ever
heard of urine therapy i hear
guy you wake
up in the morning you
drink your own
fresh urine i
can’t believe you did that i tried it
for how many days i
tried a couple of times
i did it once on a
radio what did
it taste like for real it
doesn’t taste that bad it’s
sterile first of all
i know it’s
completely sterile and i know some
you know i mean is it salty
stuff in it
is you know like vitamins and minerals and you know
so you drink
come but not
piss no i don’t
drink come even the
smell of my own come makes me dry
have you ever tasted it
accidentally
but what about
other guys come
especially other guys that’s disgusting it’s
absolutely disgusting if you had to
drink one which one
would be p the
smell of your own come
freaks you out
it doesn’t freak me out my stomach
starts to turn i
start so how do you get involved in gay
activities then he’s not about the
load get me the fuck out of here let me know
that i like to see a load
shoot out i love
this it’s exciting
what about joe’s load
shut the fuck up
causing troubles over there
safely i want to
know you didn’t answer my question i really am curious
does pee taste
salty yeah it
tastes a little
salty it doesn’t
it’s really not that bad it’s all in your head when you
drink it it’s like nothing you
gotta watch the
video i made a
video of him
drinking his pe call it
san fran pisco
yeah we’re in
san francisco
i made a deal with the the dj i’m like
i’m like i’m because it was they were talking
about leo to machida
who’s was the
ufc light heavyweight
champion who is a
this japanese and brazilian guy
who is into
like ancient
medicine and that’s one of the
things that
his father always
taught him to
drink your urine in the morning it’s got all
this you know
i hear it is very very
very good i don’t know i mean it’s a probably bullshit
you know i just
tried it i didn’t really totally believe in it
but i tried it because a friend of mine
who had also been into that
kind of shit he’s like into being a shaman and all that
stuff he’s drinking his
urine when he’s done mushroom trips
and he told me because
that’s how you get really high
when you do a mushroom trip
when you urinate the
psilocybin actually comes out in your
urine and then you drink that
again and it reprocessed through
system and you just go bob
boom we just
shoot you through
the wall that’s something i
might do yeah it
apparently that’s the way to get
super completely
blitzkrieged on mushrooms have you done mushrooms yeah
yeah if i drink my own pee
right now would you
throw up yeah not
throw up i’d
start dry heave
anyway what i was saying is we did it on this
radio show it’s not a big deal
the guy dry heave
dude no name from san francisco
he was all dry heaven when he did it but i just
drank it it’s really
once you get past it is in your mind in
my mind being
on fear factor for six years dude i saw people
get past some gnarly show there are
things on there
that seem to be illegal
now they were all
legal no like some of
those dead animals or like animal parts
yeah they need to cook
really yeah
everything we did we did did
anybody get sick
ever yeah they got like diarrhea
sec but never like in trouble
but we did have a problem here’s something
for the folks at home
if you are allergic to shellfish
you’re also allergic to roaches
really yeah because i guess
i guess there’s
shit there that they have that exoskeleton
yeah whatever it is that makes you allergic
am i right about that
their bones are actually on the outside of
their skin sure yeah
i mean that is what a cockroach and a lobster and
shelf i could eat
bugs if they were cooked
because it seemed like a crunchy
no i’m telling
you it’s not the big deal it’s on your head you
did a roach
i ate a big madagascar hissing cockroach
it was no big deal
wrong and alive
alive i just
i don’t know
it’s all in your head i’d seen so many people do it
i’m eating as i’m eating i’m like there’s nothing bad
about this is not that bad at all
tasty doesn’t
taste good but it didn’t
taste terrible
like i would totally eat a gang of them if i was
starving to death
maybe if i was
starving chew
those motherfuckers no
i don’t believe it
he’s so bad
let me smell it
that’s not your piss bro
yeah i do want to says not your piss bro
let me i do want to
smell it full of shit i’m gonna
throw up just is it warm
you fucking liar it’s apple juice you’re weak
interrupt our fucking
train of thought for that well he wanted to see me
listen if i
smelled it i’d
start driving
what were you talking
about before you came in
the cockroaches oh
i could only eat them if they were cooked
and salted then i
could eat them
i’m telling you the flavor is not that bad
the much more
impressive shit was when people
ate like habanero peppers
i can do that yeah i can do it
where sweat is dripping out of my
scalp have you ever
watched those
videos online
where people eat
those ghost chilies
there’s one
sort of a pepper
i forget what it’s called
i forget the actual technical name for it but it was
crazy that’s the name of it that’s like you
heard of it
red band and it’s insanely powerful
like many many many times
worse than a habanero
you can die kind of well i don’t know if you can die i
guess you probably could
but when people take it they make
videos of them taking it
cause they’re in agony
fucking screaming
screaming agony
and then there’s some people that like there’s a
woman in india
who eats them like their
candy and then
rubs them on her eyes and nothing happens
it’s like this
bitch is like immune to it somehow or another
you know i love that
i love that
stuff you know you can get immune to
poison oak yeah by
there’s two
ways and i did it i did i did one of the ways
one of the ways is you pick
and you have to pick it
with like a napkin so you don’t
touch it with your skin
which is weird
but you pick the tiny little baby
red leaves this is poison oak
which is all over california
the tiny little baby red
leaves with a napkin the
shiny shiny oily tiny ones
and you put it
in your mouth a
bunch of them
and chewing
chewing chewing
chewing chewing
chewing and swallow them
and you’re immune
i did that what uh huh but the better way
which seems better
is you get a
goat i’m doing we’re doing this in my we have
three acres
i actually have 30 acres
really into
pink i’m not
like down and out just so you know i just
don’t have liquid cash right
but anyhow you get a goat we’re
gonna get a
bunch of goats
maybe one or two or
three we’re
gonna own them
in our property
where we live there’s
three acres and there’s a ton of
fucking poison oak
just this morning i had to mend fences
right before my assistant had a
seizure i was mending fences because
their dogs are
getting out and the neighbors are complaining and
i have a wolf by the way
he’s 90 wolf
swear to god
what are you doing with a wolf you can see a
picture of him on
my twit pic account or whatever
those you can’t
trust those fucking things
i am a little
worried you didn’t
trust wolves
wolves are not dogs man
you get one of
those 90 wolves
i had a friend who had a
three quarter wolf and i was
like this is you are just taking chances here want to
bring it to a farm to letting it stay with a friend
the thing killed like
twenty sheep
yeah it just went over and had a
blood orgy of
sheep well he’s
gonna have a
great meal when we get
these good hop
this dude’s fence
hop this dude’s fence
and got in the
sheep pen and just
slaughtered
he might have been
in the collected dog
covered in blood
he came back and they had to like lie
to the guy wanted to kill him the next door neighbor
who was the farmer wanted to kill him because he killed
twenty of his fucking
sheep because
they’re covered in
blood every
sheep just had his
throat torn out and that’s
and didn’t even kill the i mean didn’t even eat the
sheep just tore
their throats out
and went back home and had some dog food
he is displaying
some disturbing behavior already sure he’s dominating
you how old is he no he’s not dominating me no the two
other dogs dominate him
he’s a puppy
but a puppy is
still this tall
this tall look
look he’s like
three feet tall
but the thing is is he
he is he’s getting
these gophers in
these rats i’ve seen
a rat or a gopher and i’ve seen the tail
slurp into his
mouth and down his
throat like spaghetti
he just like swallows
these things he’s
gonna get diseases
to you got to be careful is up there eating rats
can i tell i don’t remember
you gotta be careful
there’s the
story red band
i was in the middle
you’re in the middle of talking
about this goddamn
monster you live with
you gotta be real
who is the poison
oak or you do
you get the
go dog listen to this if you have poison oak
get it get some goats let them eat the point
they love poisoning and the go smoke
yeah exactly
but they eat that they eat the roots and all
the pull it out so there’s no poison oak in your yard
you drink the goats
you’re immune
and you drink the goats
okay shouldn’t you you know this for a fact
you’re encouraging people to eat
yeah what if the
throat closes up and don’t
you know what
don’t you say the joe welkin
experience is not responsible for any of
these ideas that any dick has
we do not endorse
them or support them nor have we researched them
and i believe it’s probably
we’ll have someone looking i did it and it worked
and i have not gotten it
since because i had
i’m very susceptible
to it and i’ve broken out like like
leper you’re so into
health and you’re so into like vitamins and supplements
and you always have been used to eat raw cloves
of garlic and when you it’s always been oh there’s
others there’s like five cloves of raw
garlic in here so how are you that and then also this
i don’t know what is it
do you ever go to therapy
about that shit oh yeah i’ve had
multiple when i was having trouble with lisa
and that other person
i had three therapists at the same time i
would go from one tell
them all different stories
see which one works best
no there was one time
i have an idea i mean how many people go to therapy
in hollywood
for real just because they need an audience
you need someone who wants to
focus 100 on
their thought
of that there’s a lot of it dude that’s what i used to
think when we were on newsradio
that was the most i had ever known
that was the
first time i’d ever really been around actors and i
never knew how many people were on therapy
and i’m like i’m sure some of
these people
are actually getting helped by this but how many of
these people are just
probably every cast
member was going to therapy on
our show right
but i remember one time
one of my therapists this is during the lisa
phase and i was
i couldn’t sleep
i would lay there and the
thing is that she was playing us both she was
still seeing me
and seeing him
and i would lay in my bed
shoes at the same time horrible
i was waiting home and
go down on her and she’s all salty
no but i would imagine him i would imagine
him i would imagine him going down on her like this
spitting on her pussy so resolve that you know the fly
i like my that’s
that’s great i forgot that scene what a great flick
well at least he’s talented
okay i really have forgiven him it’s not his
fault it’s not his fault
except the fucking ground
or anything is kind of creepy
trying to come up with i still have
those tapes too
you should release those
maybe listen but with morph
his voice and change his name to mr mr silly pants
and you know people draw
their own conclusions because you’ve already talked
about him before this
this one therapist i was i told him
i called him it says this is an emergency um
i really i’d like to come in and see you
my girlfriend
at the time actually she we were both in hell she
wrote a suicide note
and i think
she’s gonna commit suicide i really
i don’t know what to do cause i
think i’m responsible and i don’t know what to do
and he literally said
okay well listen i got a skedaddle
said that phrase they
called you a
drama queen without saying it yeah
i got a skedaddle
yeah that’s exactly what it was he just called you a
drama queens like
maybe i was
okay you cried wolf
again how funny is he cry wolf and you have a wolf
yeah i don’t cry wolf i always
think it’s real
that’s the thing it’s yeah but it you’re right
i have a wolf
and people think i cry well
so do you think it’s
you know i had a conversation with dave foley
about you when we were on
really did the podcast on the air
yes and well one of the
things we were talking
about is how i said that andy
always needs
like a handler you need someone to just sort
of guide you and keep you like just
generally out of
trouble and the one not anything
about news radio i’m not you know
i believe you
but one of the
great things
about news radio was that
there was work for you to do
it was like there was very rewarding very
you know it was very good writing the character
was great and you really sunk
your teeth into
it we were so
lucky dude you know
great i love step
back and look about it
i come on man how
lucky were we
was the best i
never forget the moment i
met andy i met him on the set and then he came into my
dressing room
and this is nineteen ninety four and like
again no acting
experience i
don’t remember no
no actors and didn’t
and andy sitting there
and he goes do you
think you’re
gonna be famous
i did yeah and i go i don’t know
and he goes i know i’m gonna be
really i know it
i go you really think so
100 definitely
i’m gonna be
famous wow i’m
ready trippy
yeah you were just fired up
about i remember being
famous oh i hate it now
that’s why i live in a shed
hello when you’re
doing whatever you were you were back then
that’s that
thing though
man you just trying to make it happen i actually when
people come up to me and they because i got a lot of
young people say
andy make me
famous or i want to be famous
i yell at them i’m like why there’s
you you want to do good work
right fuck that fame part like
i look at people like sam rockwell
or paul giamatti
yes these are people i look up to
do great work
they’re famous yes
but they’re
they can still go out
and and for the most part they’re unrecognizable
yeah or or even
that one guy
people come by cool people come up to you but not
freaks well trying to freak some yeah
probably especially paul giamatti
he gets weirded on
i love sideways but you see
that is great i love it did you see moon i love it
i fucking love it i worked with his girlfriend
leslie leslie bibb i hope they’re
still together she’s cool as fuck she’s the hot
chick in talladega nights
she plays my ex girlfriend
girlfriend those guys have to be
yeah because
you know those they’re not in a challenge
they’re just doing good i
could have had that if i wasn’t you’re right i was like
just a fucking
three well what makes you so good
is that you’re so fucking
crazy you gotta
i understood that about me what makes me so good is
that the crazy rage that i had
when i was younger all that energy
on all that’s inside me unbridled
always running around in circles we both locked
out we both looked out that we had news radio
to harness a
harness yeah
and the outlet
could come through
the brilliant writing like you said
paul sims and and and joe
joe fury and josh
remember josh
and and air force challenge
all those guys
who remember drake say
drake say their shot
unfortunately yeah
or love that guy he wrote
that he’s the one who
wrote that vh1 fashion well he wrote zoolander
did he really he
wrote zoolander i was you know i was supposed to be
will ferrell’s part you know that are you serious
yes yes i did the
table read it was written for me by drake say there
drake say the
wrote the fashion awards
shorts that i did
where i played the character
yeah that’s my character then we turned it into a
movie we put
derek zoolander and because ben was doing his
shorts i was doing my show
we put them together we
wrote zoolander
you know they
wrote it and i did the
table read and then i got
stuck on this show called go fish it went
six episodes
with macaulay
culkin’s younger brother
kieran culkin and you couldn’t
leave and they said
you just got out of rehab and you
can’t rock the boat you can’t do that zoolander movie
ben stiller
thought it was too
crazy well they said you can’t walk away from
your tv show oh
and i said ben
stiller was calling me at home
saying just walk away from it i do it all the time yeah
and i looking back do you realize what
it what a fork in the road that was and i went down the
wrong fucking one
horrible he’s so hot
right now some badass shit
i’m not into that meet the focus
movie but god damn was tropic thunder good yeah he i
he’s he’s on
cloud nine and we’re
not friends anymore and i don’t know why what happened
i don’t know what did you do andy
i think he’s running for office
is he i don’t know they’re
trying to like separate himself
and really get away
yeah just really snipping the core well
you must feel that like you know i told you that i was
gonna be in burbank and so let’s do it here
and you you immediately online or
tweeting guess joe
doesn’t want me at my at his
house and even
tweeted that you even sent me a text
okay i guess you don’t want me knowing
where you live i mean but
in his defense
he immediately texted me back saying
that’s not it at all
you can come by anytime
some other time i just happened to be in burbank
and that’s where we want to do yeah but you’re you’re
i really did immediately thought
totally get it
i get it you don’t want me to
to see jess your
girl and you don’t want
to meet and meet your kids how many kids if you if you
have two if you are outside
if you are sober for a year
you can hang out at my
house anytime you want okay
oh i will we
need to fucking put you
through the
love it gives me you
gotta know though that people
think that like okay you know you know how you over
here it yeah i have a carrot
you know what i have now hanging here
what shows cock meaty
thick and meaty
you gotta record that
funny thing that we said when we were on the set
all of us did we said you know when this
thing is falling apart if it does
we gotta figure out a way to all work together
because we had such a
crazy chemistry the
best what a sitcom we
could put together right now and dave foley i were
just do news radio but do it podcast
the only time i worked with any of any of
anybody from news radio again was
maura she got me on
er i played a really great character on er
i ran into maura once at one of
those a couple times when she was on
er and i was on fear factor and we got
drunk together like the old days
you know like
those those nbc
things and we had fun i was like god man
we have all we had all had such a
crazy connection it was that was such an unusual cast
it was no we didn’t always get
along great like you know you and
i we got in arguments but we always made up always we
always we always
brought it around
but when we had fun dude we had fucking fun
those sets after
after we were done filming
we had parties yeah the crew
yeah the crew is
around we even
the nurse remember that guy who was the
nurse yeah that
guy was cool
creepy massages
was it creepy dandy i
love he was a great guy
no i’m just bullshitting
about the creepy massages he was a
i do remember here’s the one thing that
don’t give the fucking
punchline away
but the very first week
we’re rehearsing these
radio and that were in the first week
and there was
somebody else playing joe’s part do not give it away
because i don’t even know if you know the story and
we’re like in day one day two day
three i don’t know what’s
going on but
we’re rehearsing we’re doing
table reads
and this guy
that’s playing joe’s part before joe came on board
is coming to me saying
i don’t think they’re liking what i’m doing
and i’m going
dude you’re so fucking awesome you’re subtle
you’re real i love it and i
think they love it they’re just not
if they’re not
laughing they’re not
laughing big deal
if you’re doing
great the next day
his seat was
empty we went a
whole day with no one by the way
you weren’t there yet
he had been fired
and that guy was
ray romano wow
did you you knew that yes
yeah i knew it and i didn’t take over for ray i took
over for the guy who took over for oh you’re right
they brought then they brought another guy in
and that guy who
fucking shit the bad was a summer
but he was funny too i’m lumped
gonna tell you
he i bet he’s working
i bet i don’t remember who he
yeah i don’t know what it was
but he’s working because i remember seeing him later
but then the then
on date like on friday it was like the last day
before because remember
we used to film on a tuesday or something we’re like
right so on the last day that you that we
could have before we had our camera
blocking day monday
joe shows up
and stays and nailed it
but nailed it like
like paul sims
loved you i
loved him too yeah do you talk to him
not really me neither i called him
anybody i called him when i saw that he was one of the
consulting producers i think on
boardwalk empire
right maybe
i don’t know no he was on the
flight of the conchords oh
fly the concords i cause
that’s just fucking awesome
and we’re talking
catching up and
he invited me
to his wedding and i didn’t go out i didn’t yeah
i couldn’t go
i had a gig
i don’t remember why i didn’t i was probably in a bad
place but and we’re talking how we
feel bad about not
going to weddings i do
too i wish i
hate all of them
i don’t want to go to any of them
i don’t either i have so many friends that have been
divorced and there’s so many of them that are in this
marital wreck and owe so much
money dave foley
came on the podcast and i was crying dude
he owes so much fucking money
he’s supposed to be paying
three times what he makes
every month welcome to my worst
i’ve been reading his
tweets i know fuck he
can’t go to canada they’re
gonna arrest him
he owes a half a million dollars up there it’s chaos
they got him
at the peak of his earning of his entire life it’s
completely unreal it’s not real and that’s
news right now
he’s not making
that money anymore
that’s crazy
money you’re on a network
sitcom and by the way
that’s normal yeah
and that yeah
so yeah it’s
anyway so when people ask me to go to
their wedding i’m like fuck
a friend of mine this is no bullshit
this fucking guy
lost everything
he lost every i talk
about him on
stage cause i
have this this bit
about divorce do i know i’m no no you don’t know he’s a
great guy and he lost
everything in his
first what manny his
second wife
came along during the
first marriage
broke up his
first marriage he
married the
second one and the
second wife didn’t want a prenup
and they had a
fight for it
and this guy lost
everything in the first one
it’s like and then he’s like i want you to come my
marriage and i’m like
jesus christ
you’re going to another goddamn execution
i’ll never get
married again
i’ll never get
married again
i understand it
with children and that’s why i did it you know i’m like
jesus christ if
you’re willing to have children it’s very important to
raise the kids i live in the show
but it was important for her i know it’s
ridiculous we
important for her so i did it
but i think it’s
absolutely ridiculous
that you’re
gonna bring in a
bunch of people that you don’t know
and they’re
gonna be a part of this
agreement that’s your relationship that
never worked out all
based on the
fact that when it
falls apart
just assuming that all of us are
gonna be irrational
and greedy and
occasionally it occasionally
works out to be fair
very occasionally
that’s not a
marriage that i’m
worried about
it’s this divorce
it’s not the
idea of being bonded if you’re together you’re together
who cares if you’re together on
paper if you’re together legally
it’s when you can’t get away from each
other it’s ridiculous
the divorce is the most
ridiculous aspect
of marriage
but you’re married you’re
married yeah yeah yeah
and you start putting in like you
start putting in you factor in how much lawyers make
and then how the
with my buddy
he had to pay for his wife’s lawyer
i had it with the girl i’m living with now i said look
let’s come to an
agreement and not
bring lawyers in because when you
bring lawyers in you’re taking
food out of our kids
mouth true and you’re putting it
up the fucking lawyers ass yeah and i paid
tens of thousands of dollars
maybe up upwards of hundreds how
about my friend paid millions
uh who i’m not telling you i’m not
telling you is a big he’s got cash and
he went through
one the more you have the more they can take
two and a half years
he went through a relationship
a divorce where he was paying for two lawyers
at the same time that’s why i’d rather live in the shed
i let my ex
take my money goes
right to her
i’m like you know what i’m done with this fucking shit
i don’t need anything
as long as i have my 52 inch flat screen
plasma whatever hd
all that with the
sound and all and
with this one necessities i
just need the very bare minimums and to be with my kids
that’s beautiful good food
and then you can have
all the rest of it you fucking cunt
well how did
you get we know it’s i know you’re saying
just leave the
world i’m fucking
the world is
not done with it
and you know if you want
to try to take
money from me
i don’t have it it’s all
it goes to her
what you take my tv because that’s
all i got now i got my tv and my dogs i’m over it
all my money
i don’t even know
sometimes i ask her did a couple
checks come in
oh yeah yeah we’re fine we’re fine
i don’t even really know
where do you envision yourself
i’m gonna get another show
yeah i already know this people are
starting to come by i ice
do you think
that in the
light of this trilogy
and shit though they help
they’re worried
about you it helped me why
actually there was a guy rob riggles
you know him
you know him
he had a show last year
it didn’t go through
but i went in and tested i went you know
what they want me to audition turn the tv on
you know and you can see me
you don’t audition for things
oh yeah i do i go and i go you know what fuck it i
humble myself
and i go okay you know what i’ll roll my
sleeves up and i’ll show them how it’s done
and i go in
i do it and ted wass
the director
said rob riggles jumped out i didn’t know who he was
he jumped up in the room and said i want to do the
scene with you and i went
why who are
you and he’s like i’m the lead i’m the guy that
wrote it or i’m the lead
oh fuck i’m so i’m
sorry and we did the
scene we were
laughing we’re having a
great time i
leave ted was
calls me at home and says
you know you’re the
you’re the number one guy
and there was no one there wasn’t even a close
second you’re the guy that’s great and
what i’m asking but no he
was charlie sheen
thing listen okay
was on cbs and
everybody wanted
me and then they went to cbs and said we
found our guy this is just for a
small part right the band leader like it was in high
school and i’m like the band you know
you know i’m once
again some some
some homosexual
you know some
crazy i wonder
where anybody
would get that okay anyhow
so he said you know i just want to let
you know that you’re number one everybody wanted you
we went to cvs and cvs said
no thank you we can’t hire andy
dick we already have one of those
his name is charlie
shane so how’s that helping you bro well
that asks you if it helped you
and obviously
that took a job away from you it’s not help that was
along that was that was
year that was like last year
now he’s out you really
think the perception has
changed that much in 12 months
you think that him it’s going
it’s gonna be fine i’m
gonna it’s gonna be a slow
steady climb
hey come on help
me out i’m helping you out
i help you out i
might not get
on a network show tomorrow i’m not i know i’m not
going andy i’m just but i’m
gonna have you
all reality i i know how
you brilliant i’m
gonna have a
small little show
and you’re gonna
fucking come on and try and help me out i will help you
absolutely it’s
gonna be a small
little thing
i don’t even need
money anymore here’s my
question i’m
gonna go to a network like an e type situation i’m
gonna be able to do a show
and you don’t need
money to be
funny it’s not
about money
you just you know you can be
funny and you don’t need
money right
i need you though well what you to come on i’m
gonna need my friends
to you i don’t have that many
left i need people to rally
up around me and help me out you
to have a show like that to have like some sort of a
sketch show like the old andy dick show you
you could totally pull that together yeah
because you don’t need
money to do that
it’s cheap i
know yeah you just need i just
heard talented
i listened to
kevin pollock’s podcast because he had dave
thomas on and i was
an sctv fanatic when i was like 12
or whatever
i used to record it on
on a little
radio shack
cassette recorder
right and like listen back to it all shitty
sounding and laughs so
you can actually hear me
laughing on the cassette
thing and and
and he and and sctv
what’s done back in the day
the budget of
every episode
three thousand dollars
that’s incredible
well with the internet 3
000 for you
could do your own
thing on the internet i know you did for a
while you had that one
weird interview show
house arrest with auntie dick yeah
where you have no
money involved
was that my
house and i you
should have come on that
i don’t know
what happened it just
ended just ended up
you know what
for a long time i didn’t have your number and
like yeah we
didn’t there was no twitter it wasn’t that easy down
touch now you got in
touch with me through twitter like that it’s
like we just
started talking
again yeah yeah i’m glad yeah
yeah i’m glad i’m glad
we got to do a
2011 version of the odd couple
that would be awesome me and
me that would be
awesome the x
jock character and my
sexually ambiguous
who’s out of control for a
sloppy one though
is it you or what
we have who’s the more anal
well in the
doesn’t have to be that way
there was one guy i say was saying well
you know i think
neither one of us
completely have our shit together
but obviously you i
think you do
it’d be more
out of control no in real life though you have your
shit together or i keep it together but it’s a constant
bound really yeah
what why the pot i’m a fucking savage
the pot no i’m a
violent rage aholic
a nice guy trapped in the body of a violent
he’s a raging holland
but i’m not
i just is frightening i just work out a lot
i have a lot of energy i have a lot of aggressive
energy just always have
loved that i mean
i was attracted
to it ew stop it
disgusting i think
a lot of people are but you know
i keep it completely and totally together
but i do it with
body maintenance i have to make sure i work out a lot
i have to make sure that i get in the tank a lot
you know i think all of
us are struggling no one is just getting through life
everything is perfect that’s why you have to
remember that
that’s what you have to remember
no you think
about your problems you
think about how
what hell you’re in
everybody well it’s also what
causes your
problems i have way way way less problems now
than i did when i was younger because i
understand life better
understand myself exactly
i understand my own behavior
don’t you wish that you
could be you
and i could be me with what we know
and how we are and how
i actually think our chemicals
literally changed
we could go back
with with this this this
this knowledge or whatever
these chemicals coursing through our veins
and start over
no i don’t want to start over
you’re in a different
place but i know that i could
i could just
but you know it’s not even
starting over any
i have some
i have that you
have makes you you though
i’m sure you do that
makes you you
get where it
also makes you humble because
quite honestly anybody that wants to be
famous anyone who wants to
be successful you’re saying it’s an impossible
struggle with ego
you struggle with the idea of
grandiose ideas like
being better than you really are being
this amazing person that deserves
all of this attention you know
the humiliating moments the humbling moments actually
really kind of
round you off so
you can’t do it’s impossible to do what i just said
except that
i can do it
what i do now is i say you know what
i am i can do that i can
start right now
with what i know
and with the chemicals that are my natural
who i am i feel different
well you are like a different
learn you’ve
learned over the years i can
start over starting now and that’s
also part of shedding
everything off
and i didn’t know pun intended the shed
i got rid of
everything i own
i gave it away
it sounds very helpful i had so much
your approach
sounds like
the correct people
think i’m doing
bad i’m doing better than i’ve done in years
you feel mentally
physically yes
i think you have to exercise too dude i do
i just went on i just went
on an hour and a half hike yesterday also important
to the holiday
it’s one of those
things that
sounds so frivolous when people talk
about exercise you say you
should work out like oh what you want to look
great so you have a big once
again tell it
tell it to make damn
tell it to me
imagine that i
think it’s so
important it’s not a
hand dude or her
bicep did you
hear yeah i
heard him i
tried not to hear him every day
motherfucker
what are you
i don’t really know the podcast
that well you guys have that kind of like oh he’s
silly he’s not really bumping is this your house yes
and then all your
equipment yeah
this is like
expensive shit
yeah well this
podcast is for real son
it started off it was just a
webcam oh so you
started it together yeah oh cool
how many years has it been
brian is my
video editor he’s been
working with me forever he makes all the you see any
crazy videos you see online
is really well edited
stuff it’s all his work you know
which one fascinated me and i did see this the
it’s probably old news to you but the carlisle
yeah i did that
i loved i did that that was
fascinating it was fascinating
bill cosby stuff yeah
that wasn’t even us
that was somebody else from the bill cosby
thing there’s jonathan
taylor tom if
you want to keep looking there’s probably a million i’m
over it and i
heard that you guys
what’s it called
broke brad or
water under the bridge you guys
made up you and
carlos mrs i
never haven’t talked to him
since oh somebody’s
talking to him oh somebody
told me you guys
look good luck to the guy
you know right
what we were
involved in a terrible situation
where a guy was
he was victimizing all
these comics he was
stealing all
their shit nobody wanted to be in the room
when he was in the room nobody wanted to be on
stage they would light the
light up to make sure that you knew that he was on
stage so you
wouldn’t do new material wow
it was crazy and they all got it
was not even
it’s valid conversation yeah
you know i mean it all came about
and i didn’t want it to
happen it’s not something that i was looking forward to
it was totally unpretent
of unplanned
we had no idea it was
going to happen when i had
i remember when it was happening and they
cause i know you and i’m like oh this isn’t
gonna be good
cause i knew you were just
gonna get more and more ink
well i wasn’t even really that
angry with you brought him down
you brought him
down i know
he’s a really person
but he knows he’s a bad
plan that’s
right all of it
about you know all what it all is like was
about you know
he’s better off
that’s exposed as well
you know he was the reason why it happened
in the first place
he was living in some
crazy lie state
where you know
he really believed
his bullshit he wanted that to happen that’s why
when people do terrible
things like
serial killers a lot of them want to get caught
you know a lot of them do shit
because they want to get caught i always
leave a little something
yeah when you do fucked up
things to people man
i think for
real that there’s somewhere in the back of your head
that you gotta know that that’s affecting you
you can’t just
skate away clean
you think he had that sure yeah i
think everybody does fucked up
things like he
denied a complete
total sociopath
eventually he
started giving in
he did yeah
you said watch the
movie i am comic yeah he just flat out
admits it and i am comic
you know i feel bad for the guy what is that
about i am comic mental illness
who’s some documentary
about lots of different
comics are you in
it no was never
heard of it
yeah i don’t know i didn’t hear
about until
after it was already made
but apparently he’s in it
you know whatever man you know
gives a fuck
i made up i
never talked with polly shore
for 20 years
after in the army now i
didn’t like him on the set
he was a little bit
like you but
worse because
he was just very
aggressive and just outright mean
and i wasn’t used to i was a naive kid
from the suburbs
of chicago i was just this nice guy and
sweet and always full of happy
love and then
he was mean
to me and right in
front of people and on the set
and i just didn’t want to ever work with him again but
over the years he
changed and then i
changed now we’re friends
again and now
we’re talking
about doing
we did in the army now
and now i actually came up or
an old assistant of mine came up with the idea of doing
in the army again
because it’s
been 20 i’m telling you amazing no it really
could work because
in the first
movie we’re in the reserves
and when you’re in the reserves
you can get called up to active duty at any moment
20 years later
give this away
right now someone’s rewriting the
script right now
no but it has to be me and him
they’re gonna do
somebody else
i would love it no it has to be 20 years
later we have to be old
and we’re and we’re
i would i welcome somebody to
write the script just make sure you send it to me
so that polly and i can do it no this
is gonna go to polly and then paul is
gonna demand
some sort of
no no we’re friends
no something
could go down
no but we’re friends
i did a special on showtime
what was that
stand up special yeah i can’t remember
so how much
stand up you doing
these days well i
never like i said do
stand up i do
these characters do
music i tell stories but i mean how often
do you not do any touring anymore you’re not
going places i’m
starting i am
you know that
place that’s called borderlines
it’s in thousand oaks no
what is it though they’d love to have you
well they wanted me like two or
three times what is it it’s
a club or something it’s a comedy club a thousand oaks
yeah it’s new really
yeah you’d love it i’ll open
a couple years ago then they
asked me to do like
maybe even five different times i
said no i said no
they probably can’t pay you your
money but like i want to do it because
i don’t because when i
do it i fly my son out i fly
tim walsh out the guitar player
i usually bring an assistant
and i just and then i then there
where’s my money
you know so i’m like paying for everybody right
a little bit
in this one
i don’t have
to fly anybody out or do anything or pay for anything
and they’ll they pay for me to fly out right
and and they put us all up
you know we all just cram into one or two
hotel rooms
but still i pay for
their food i pay for this i do
this but here
i’m gonna do the show
and i’m gonna
still make about as much
money as i do when i go on the road
well you ever do like the brea
improv and the irvine improv
those are great because they’re
close right and they’re like a real but
there’s so many people in
california it can support that many comedy clubs
have you ever seen me on the marquee
many many times
i’ll be there and i see that you have just been there
or that you’re coming up
yeah yeah yeah
yeah but you’re
right i haven’t done in it’s been a while here
but i’m getting back into it
well dude listen we’re
gonna end this
thing okay great
to see you healthy
great so motivated
sounds like your
mind is in a good
place good i
truly root for you dude i love you really do i’m
so glad i’m so
happy to see you puffy
just kidding
you look great
you’re always
great and i’m
gonna take you up
on your offer
going into your tank
together what you really really want together and
we live close to each
other and i like having friends like you
i like having a goddamn bulldog in my corner
i need it back
the fuck off this kind of energy
back off i got joe rogan in my fucking corner
what are we waiting for let’s do it brian
also brian is charlie sheen’s producer
where’s the fart
sounds that don’t do it you fuck
don’t do it
stop it all right
if people want to get a hold of you they can go to
come on brian stop my new
thing is twitter i love it
and then on simple
andy dick on twitter at andy dick
and on twitter
you can go and you know i put on a lot of
pictures website
to just andy dick com you can see
everything i’ve ever done that i
wrote and directed
i don’t put up like
please follow andy i’m sure you’ll get
some fucking hilarious tweets
yes andy’s a goddamn character the real deal
he’s not faking it this is
real this is real andy you don’t
takes a lot to grow one of
these fucking things
you know a lot of
weird shit has to happen it’s like a sea
monkey you got to meet my friend joey diaz
there’s another one where
there’s just not a whole lot
of opportunities
in life for someone like that to develop
great you know so
thanks a lot man
thanks for coming on it was
great great to meet up with you
again and talk
about some stuff and
go over some of the old days
love it can’t wait
to see your
boner go to
joe rogan net and
click on the link
thank you to the
flashlight and if you go to joe rogan
net and click on the link for the flashlight
entering the code name rogan
you get 15 off
that is it for this week
this weekend
comedy magic club sold out next weekend
gotham and new york sold out
and so there’s
still some tickets available for open
at ento in april
and there’s
that hey shut the fuck up
all right that’s it this show’s over
that’s a vagina put your finger in it
yeah okay it hasn’t been washed
thank you thank you everybody see you next week
computers are definitely not to tell
oh it smells like a pussy