The Joe Rogan Experience #90 - Joey Diaz

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buckle up bitches

joe diaz the joe hogan experience

with a backup generator in hand

joe diaz returns what’s up baby what’s up brother

last time joey diaz was here the fucking

power went out man

that’s ridiculous

that was ridiculous because by the time the

power came back on

he was so high and

he hadn’t talked for like 20 minutes and he was

basically asleep

it was such an organic

podcast because shit happened we just kept going

we just fucking

yeah i’m getting

moved on yeah we

started an audio podcast what

was all going on red band what’s happening

how you doing

let’s go what the fuck get

on the mic though i am i’m trying to just you little

keith richards head to tell you look at you looking

sharper than a

motherfucker yeah

you know i’ve been noticing i wear hats

way too much

and it’s not like i’m wearing hats to

cover up baldness or anything like that

i just fucking hate

fucking with my hair

i hate it i hate

i like being able to hide if i want to he’s just trying

right now he’s trying

to make up for the fact that he’s trying to look sexy

i’m not trying

to look sexy

this is kind of looking sexy i’m not

looking look at this

picture joey

this is the shirt

this is a shirt we’re

gonna be offering on higher

primate com

it is a joey diaz

shirt by popular demand

and the shirt says

joey diaz says if

you ain’t high by two in the afternoon go fuck yourself

which is true

it still continues

and that will be our number one selling

shirt for sure

all those other

monkey buddha

marijuana those are fine

but this is

gonna take it to the next level

you gotta get the word out i like it

this is jump

brian i lost my my

sound my ear whatever you were just doing

all right okay

whatever you

just did you just adjusted something and just

lowered something

right there that’s it that’s it

it just turns it off like that

like off and on yeah oh that’s something’s not

right then that’s

weird i barely touched it oh

well there’s a big difference

we gotta fix that

thing anyway whatever

so the joey diaz

if you ain’t high by

two in the afternoon go fuck yourself the

t shirt’s done

the design is

ready it’s gonna be

printed up as soon as we can get it to the

to the shop

should be any

minute now so i’ll let you guys know

and joe diaz will be appearing

where you at this weekend

this weekend

nowhere nowhere you’re on friday

night you’re in the city i’m at the bitter

end of new york city on tuesday

nine o’clock what is the bitter end

the bitter end is an old rock

comedy club that lenny

bruce and george carlin and

prior and oh yeah

yeah but the last guy to do it was the guy from the

daily show it’s a

small little rustic

place yeah it’s a

small little

rustic place in the village and the guy’s name is

peter fogel the guy that

i met him during the ufcs

i met him in columbus

we were both

you guys went in without me and i had to go

in columbus they got a

weird airport you just can’t wait online

you have to get a ticket

and wait on fucking line so i waited an hour

and austin like you ain’t got no ticket

neither did he

so he’s has this look on his face he’s furious

i gotta get to the hotel

you guys leaving at four forty five

and for some reason i looked at him

and i just seen this pain in his face

and something i had

never do this just made me pull back like a dog

you need a butt don’t you

and he looked at me like i was jesus

he goes how’d you know i left my weed on the fucking

counter and i went my ball sack

this guy but

right there at the fucking taxi cab line

i gave him a bun he just looked at it looked at me like

are you fucking

crazy i was like a

spirit that day

who gives you a line of

butter fucking

weed at the airport

right there online who gives you weed

out of their balls

yeah that’s the most important part who’s

that’s the crazy

thing right i

would probably deny it

i’d probably no no that’s a cause

so i met him at the

ufc after that

every ufc he’s a

the vote fan

he goes to all of them he goes to the q amp a’s

so when we spoke he

asked me if i was coming i told him i couldn’t

and he goes why don’t you do a show a

show at my club now

in the village

it’s close to

china town so i just killed two birds at one

stone you know i’m saying

wow so you’re

gonna do a show with who

who’s doing it with you

solo it’s a solo show yeah

it’s in between two bands

holy shit stanhope

why not i like that

thing wow i love that i love that little

stanhope really created a

monster with me when he

when he started the

not doing the

comedy club revolution yeah because i really like that

every once in a while

you got to step

outside the comedy club and just get down

they only see two

sixty the tickets are

gonna go and everybody standing

no no no everybody they got little

tables this is old fucking rock club jimi hendrix

neil diamond bob dylan

you know this is old

school fucking jimi hendrix

from the cafe wah

fuck i mean this is a real

real little club

so you know what i don’t want to do nothing in jersey

but for my friends and nothing

like that so i figured let me go into the city and

if i call a calamity club they’re

gonna break my balls comedy club yeah they’re

gonna break my balls and put me up at 2

00 in the fucking morning

right you know what 8 15

with this don’t be there

wife go through the aggravation

won’t stop shopping

all we have to do is just pump it up on twitter we’ll

pack that place all

be packed so how do people get tickets

if they want to get tickets there’s no tickets you

gotta go that

night tickets go on sale that

night old school old

school old school cash

god damn i think

they take i did take credit you got a credit

card machine

got everything wow

so tickets go on

sale when you get there when you get there you just

gotta get there yeah

that sounds like

a pretty good idea 15 dollars no

drama come on down bro it’s a tuesday night

you know what i don’t want a friday

you know me dog any

fucking momo

gonna friday night

let me see you get down on a fucking tuesday night

old school style

nine o’clock ten o’clock show get out of there go to

chinatown that’s what i wanted

and then i’m on the rock

chester the next day so shazam

and what are you doing in rochester

i’m doing a club called the comedy club in

rochester new york and webster it’s a

great little fucking club so

that’s thursday friday saturday

thursday friday saturday yeah and how do you

think the comedy club

did they think of some kind of name

bro it’s nothing else out there but woods

there’s nothing up there but woods it’s great

you know what woods and

bodies frozen

bodies this is my

third time i mean the

first time it was january that’s brutal

i’ll never do that shit oh

but then now i go at

least towards late

march just cause you know

wouldn’t you like to name a comedy club

wouldn’t that be a cool thing

yes so what

would you name your comment

i like tsartans or something shut

the fuck up

what’s going

on with you baby joe nothing nothing

family looks great

thank you it’s amazing to know you a long time and to

see what’s come of your life they’re fucking beautiful

thanks man that’s it’s amazing to have your wife and

the supremes as i call it that’s what you have up here

you like the anna

ross had the

the three sisters the supremes

mrs rogan has the supremes you got the

three girls it’s all

over for you you like the manager have they done any

dance numbers for you yet like they


dance numbers this is

great joe rogan

i got tears in my eyes it’s a

you have a very very nice

especially you know you didn’t grow up in no fucking

mansion when you were a kid you had it you know

look at you it’s a

great little family you put together that’s very

proud of you thanks man

you don’t see this much in men and he’s

great with them isn’t he’s fucking

great with them they love them they like

that’s big motherfucking

daddy kane rogan and

shit joey i like your hair

today you have really nice hair it’s comb you

look like you’re going to

court communion look yeah

this is my first communion

look i’m bringing it back bitches you

look like you’re on your way to

court yeah no no there’s no

you know a fucking cop

tried to shake me down

today what what

a fucking cop pulled me over

today and i

asked you know i know they have the camera on the cars

right i just

asked them is there

any reason why you pulled me over because no no no

we had you mistaken then we ran your

plate and you’re okay you’re

free to go then what the fuck you pulling me over for

i think he was

pulling me over to see if i was smoking herb i don’t

smoke herb in my car so you fuck guy

really you don’t think it

might have been just exactly what he was saying

that they just

got confused i know how he did it i parked

in a different

place by my house

he was on my corner and as i made a left

i seen how he looked at me

and i was doing the

speed limit i don’t

fuck around i went down and by the time i got to hunger

he had made a u turn and got

right behind me like

you know when you’re

looking at your

radio and you look up and there’s a cop behind you

right but it couldn’t

have been that he just thought you were somebody else

maybe he saw your haircut and he was attracted to you

you never thought he

had another guy with

what the fuck is

wrong with you brian

strong possibility brian you

think so but no

maybe i don’t know

but i thought i was

gonna be late

that’s why i called you that’s why i called jessa

this motherfuckers

gonna pull me over

i tell him but why do you

think what makes you

think he was trying to

shake it down

like do they really do that anymore no that’s shaking

you down see

let me see what’s in your pocket

just see what’s going on

maybe he was see thought i was smoking dope in the car

right and then when he just looked like it really

would be smoking pot in the car yeah that’s what

it was no smoking in the car knows he’s got weed joey

would smoke in the car

everywhere you would

smoke in the car in fucking

texas and i’m like dude don’t

smoke in the car this is not a

smart move and they

would give me a hard time

don’t smoke in the car don’t

smoke in the car joe rogan

don’t smoke in the car

when i just want to go to jail i don’t

know this is like

this is not

california yeah i don’t

do it because of that i just don’t do it because what

sometimes at daytime i don’t need to be that fucking

stone i really get

stoned in the morning that’s good enough

if i take weed with me in the car i’d be a mess

it’s funny it’s not a smart move

it is funny how

california makes

you totally forget that like in ohio i was paranoid

about smoking weed

anywhere like i would

clean up the seeds for my

car i mean i was like

now i fucking feel like it’s like

everywhere that’s why there’s

states laws i mean that’s how it’s supposed to be

i mean it’s not supposed to be that someone can stop

you from doing it but it is supposed to be that some

places can decide it’s okay

what happened in west hollywood last

night did you hear

about this i

heard nothing

all these weed

stores got raided and

one of them caught fire

ari’s weed store

is gone zen

weed or something like that no yeah

it’s gone it’s a sign that says

it’s closed forever or something like that

and i heard that one of the

places they set on fire

whoa i don’t know if it was

the growyard or

whatever but there was one

place on fire

then fucking

whatever you

see the best jolly

rancher candies

yeah you will ever eat in your life yeah

i was eating them popular

ralphie may like they were

candy he bought a bag of this fucking big

and by the third one i’m at the sushi

place i didn’t even know

where the fuck i was

do you guys realize how

alien this conversation

is to most people listening all over the

world we had this conversation at 8 30

in the morning you and i called you and i said you know

as a kid you expect

jetpacks and you

expect people

going to mars and shit

never that i thought

in any of my youth that at 8 in the morning i

would be at a wii store

eating bagels

and smoking dope next to an attorney and a construction

fucking worker

fucking cops have medical marijuana license yeah

they do i think so i think they’re allowed to i don’t

think you can i don’t think you can piss clean

yeah yeah yeah i mean to get

signed never life force

i mean i don’t think

they’re allowed to test them

i shouldn’t be

talking down my ass because i don’t know what kind of

testing they do once they’re in office or once they’re

on the on the on the job but to get

to be a cop i’m sure they must have to piss test you

hmm i think at the beginning of something they do

psychological and all that shit

you know what man look

there’s too many fucking


if you’re a guy who just got a fucking job all

right if you’re just a guy who works it

ups and you know

you got a decent management job and you like it and you

gonna fucking piss into a cup

every couple months

so you can’t even

enjoy yourself at your brother’s wedding

everyone sitting around smoking a joint

listening to some good songs

and you gotta

stand over there by the fan

cause you were

yeah you were that shits

gonna get in your hair

the fuck man that’s nonsense that

if you get high you’re only high for like two

hours at the most

and then it goes away

unless you’re really high

unless you eat it

and even then the fuck by the

time you get to work most likely you’ll be sober if you

ate so much weed that you’re

still high the next day

have you been high in the car guys

something happens that you go

that was close

well you missed an accident or

somebody was next to you and you just put the

blinker on and went

yeah i’ve done that so much and

when i’m not high though

so i can’t really

judge if that was if i

would have done that

regardless if i was high or not you know like something

where you’re like looking down at

your shoe or something like that like what’s on my shoe

i never do that

don’t do that

i slipped and said

wow that fucking was

close or something

no no i’m very conscious

of two things i don’t

drive if i’m high like that and i don’t

ever not pay attention to the road

paying attention to the road is very i was made

you never catch me

texting i don’t text in my car get the fuck out of here

and you know i was in a car once with a check

she was a publicist

for one of the clubs and she was driving me to radio

and she’s fucking texting on the highway

on the highway

like you got that kind of control over your car really

you hit a rock and that

steering wheel

twists to the right

and you got this you got this

you’re really paying attention to what you see in

front of you

are you crazy we’re going 80

miles an hour

i had to tell her stop i said

please stop doing that you know if you’re gonna text

you know let me

drive you know don’t do it

fucking not

worth it it’s not worth it

but for a lot

of people man it’s too goddamn easy it’s too tempting

you know it’s

right there

my car has a little thing

bmw has this little knob that

you dial the

phone from all this so you got like

your adjust

book shows up on a

screen and you can

scroll through it so you

never have to take your eyes off the road

you can you can just you know you’re

right there with

the whole thing

something yeah

very little word has a button you just go dial joe

then we have that too bmw has

they’ll have that now

but my point is

like even that’s tricky

even that you

gotta watch what

the fuck you’re doing when you’re cooking gas and okay

but at least you’re looking

ahead and like you getting the peripheral in there at

least you know you’re getting

a decent vision

but man fucking people who texted their car

freak me out i see it all the time you’re

hurling a giant

metal machine

70 80 miles an hour around a

bunch of other ones

and you’re not

even fucking paying attention you cunt do you

think eventually

us as a race is

gonna get to the

point where that is just common

like you could do it super easy

like you just get

trained and your

inputs ineffective there’ll be another input

i mean it’s

gonna get to some sort of a neural

input at that point

right but you know

that’s all coming

you know we’re resisting all of that but

i mean look

everything we’ve got

today is fucking

witchcraft 300 years ago

witchcraft total

witchcraft an iphone is sorcery man

that shit they

would fucking burn you with a

steak if you showed up with an iphone

and now it’s here what what what comes next we’re

gonna have to get over this

this human machine interface we’re

gonna have to get over the idea of implants people are

gonna have shit implanted into

their body and you’re

gonna be able to communicate with with

other machines and

other and other

other people who have

chips implanted in

their body the

human body will become a computer

my buddy i’m

laughing because my

buddy has a joke that he did in

texas he did a one

nighter in a club

in a part of

texas that was so backwards

that the opening act was a magician

they thought he was a

devil worshipper

he was doing

magic yeah he was doing

magic it is

one of the funniest bits and he goes joey it was a

night from hell

because they were all like

white christians

and this guy

was in there making birds disappear and shit

the devil they were like get that

devil out of the building

they pay them and ask them to fucking

leave that’s beautiful

that’s hilarious

i thought he was the fucking

devil you know man this is a

thing about religion you can

tell me you believe in god all day but as soon as you

start talking

about the devil holy shit

did you throw yourself in a box

cause you can’t be all

spiritual you know even

spiritual people like well i didn’t believe in religion

but i’m very spiritual and i

definitely believe in god

you know but they don’t go well the

devil’s real

i’m pretty sure of that yeah

pretty sure the

devil’s real

like the what he lives

underground joe

the devil come

on the fuck on come on really come on the fuck you

can’t fucking say you believe in the

devil that’s

where people draw the line you

when you’re saying you believe in the

devil you’re just

going deep deep deep you’re

going fire brimstone fucking dragons

the exorcist

was on this morning

i had the fucking morning oh

i get back and i’m just

going through

the channels i put the news on and it was like

spike from last

night watching

the ufc countdown

and i’m like

is this the

fucking exorcist at nine o five in the morning

spike has lost that goddamn mind it was on

spike bro just

people that don’t have this in perspective

because it’s two thousand eleven and

you’ve had some amazing you know fucking avatar type

movies and you know

movies just

they’re on such another

level now than they were back then

when the exorcist came out dude

that was the scariest

movie of all time

when that little girl spun her head around and starts

stabbing herself with a crucifix

going your mother sucks cocks in hell

and she’s it’s me

stabbing into the meat of her

pussy with a crock

it was baroo

i’m gonna tell you something i

watched the movie this morning for 20 minutes

while i was making breakfast

and i sat there and it got me

daddy turn it off and get the fuck out of room dude

it’s a real movie from the

devil in africa

they find that little devil in africa that’s

why i feel that africa’s always fucked

because that devil they found that africa’s

never looked back there’s always something

going on in africa

always something dog somebody’s getting killed

there’s a war

oh egypt this that think

about look at africa every week they got

something except this week my

prayers go down to fucking japanese people it’s crazy

every day that gets

crazy and crazy over that

but you know this exorcist was brilliant

watch the fucking

movie with no interruption yeah no it’s a brilliant

movie if you know

that especially

on that movie

yeah like a lot of problems like a lot of

weird things that the

studio burnt down

it was just fucking

crazy you know that

guy the guy i

named my cat

after there’s a cat in there

when she’s the rocking

chair she keeps telling the priest d me

that priest

yeah be a boxer

right that’s jackie gleason’s

motherfucking son in law

really that’s that’s a

shit whatever his father in

real life he’s an actor the kids an actor but that guy

never dimitri

remember like his name was like demetrius

and she used to call him dee dee why you

do this to me and that was the boxer that was the boxer

priest that

smoked cigarettes

and at the end he just beats the fuck out of the

devil he got him

down he sounded

and then the blast

taken out the bottom position

and then she just throws him out the room and gets up

just goes out the fucking window yeah it’s a brilliant

movie they can’t do that shit ever

again they don’t have that kind of

writing they don’t have that well

it hadn’t been done yet

so when it was done it was they went so far with it too

you tell me there wasn’t some arguments

about whether or not they

should have her stab herself in the pussy with a cross

there must have been some

studio conversations

back then yeah it’s

3272 people who the fuck

she’s screaming your mother sucks cocks in hell

and she’s stabbing herself in the

pussy yeah that has had it been

crazy how’d they even

get that past but here’s the part

that was terrifying man that was brilliant

when she’s when the devil’s first coming into the house

there’s a fight one

night in her house she’s having a she’s an actress the

mother and she’s having like a party

and the guys german

the waiter and

the guy keeps saying something to him you fucking nazi

and two days

later they find the guy in the bottom of the

stairway with his neck twisted

and they couldn’t figure out

i mean it’s a deep

exercise yeah

it’s a lot deeper

remember when

she goes up to the astronaut she goes you’re

gonna die up there yes

that was like the

first creepy little girl

like in movies there’s

never i mean

the stephen king the twins and shining

those are creepy little girls

those are kind of interesting

you know the

one what is that the japanese one what is that one oh

the fuck is it the

tv girl yeah

the fucking

you know what

i’m talking about

the girl with the tv that

crawls out the tv and

god damn it

they did an american version of it too

right didn’t they

whatever it is the

spooky little

scary japanese girl i

would have sex in the movies

would you yeah

he would you fucking idiot

she left the

blank left that

movie never

tasted that

movie like all

these little twins like the

what’s her name the little twins that did full house

oh my god yeah

you know they were on tv they

never got to have a

childhood bitch

larya blair

was putting a

cross and her

pussy at the age of 12

somebody went to

linda blair and said

linda hi can you sit down for a

second with your

mother in the room

in this film

we want you to take a fucking cross

and put it in your little

twat and say your

mother sucks

cocks and hell can you say that repeat that

after me this

movie fucked her up so much

she ended up

hanging out with rick

james 20 years

later was she

not the number

she was she

never recovered from that film

that was one of the

how could she

how could you do a

movie when you’re 12

where you’re

stabbing yourself

in the pussy with a cross

how could you do that and then

expect to be normal

yeah and she’s

screaming it

your mother sucks cocks in hell

and that crazy

voice that was the

first original

really scary movie

cause there have been

monster movies before like dracula and shit

but there was nothing that like seemed real

creep show was my

scary one it was a

great one i never i

never saw exorcist as a kid i saw it as an adult but

creep show was

fucking used to

freak me out used to play on

old hbo all the time remember

some hbo rate

creep show is

great nightmare

on elm street the

first one fucked my

world up a little yeah that was a

total comes out of the

phone that’s brilliant bro

that’s fucking

brilliant i don’t give a fuck what anybody

says when he goes to pick that up that little tongue

starts moving

yeah we were talking

about this the

other day but the silence of the lamb

still fucking holds up

there’s a few

movies that

still night they’re gonna do a

thing on a and

e i’ve seen it before

about the making of that yeah

how much went into that how much of his character that

movie’s a work of art she’s a bad


she’s a bad

she’s so badass

even when she’s nervous like she’s talking to him

like you know mr lecter

you know like her nervousness it’s like so

fucking real

like she must have made herself nervous for that

like the way she’s doing it it’s like

these only little

weird twitches in your lip that you can’t even fake

you know what i mean like you you

would literally have to be nervous

to be having

these little twitches and

quivers in your mouth

as she’s communicating

like she’s having a hard time getting it out

she’s brilliant dude

and he him and her together

jesus fucking christ anthony hopkins come on man

it’s just a fucking

there’s so much about that

movie that was so badass

the way he got out of the jail the way he

tricked them and got out of the jail and it’s like

the suspension of disbelief

you don’t need much of it when he spider man he

threw his commenter

remember yeah megs

okay migs my friend

that was my nickname

from one friend my friend

john tobin he used to call me migs because of that why

no it is fucking

crazy bro he

made migs kill himself yeah

i’ll talk to

him to kill himself yeah

nobody’s done that

since robert

duvalley godfather ii

they talked freddy

fifeing his

angels into to kill himself with a tub

remember he goes to

visit them to jail

and he goes at the end of the

party the romans

would get together and eat fruit

and then they’d

slice their fucking wrists

and the next day they’re

playing cards

and what’s his name he cut himself in the tub

that’s a fight

holy shit i forgot

about that godfather ii

was one of the few

movies where it was just as good as godfather one or

good enough for me at

least there’s very few that are like that what a

great fucking film

you know like

alien one and alien two

it is debatable

because like this alien

too is kind of fun

cause there was a lot of goddamn

aliens and there was a big

giant fucking alien it’s

still pretty badass

but alien one was creepier

it was a different

thing it was

skate you couldn’t see it you didn’t know

where it was by the time you saw it it got you

and it was impossible to kill

if there was

alien too it’s like you’re killing them left and

right like okay now this is a totally different thing

still awesome cause

these things are

stupid now they were

super smart and clever

and they would get you and hide on people now

they’re killing

10 of them before one person gets killed

that’s silly

if you look at that but it’s

still a badass fucking movie

so it’s like

nah i don’t

think it’s as good as

alien 1 but god damn it’s

still one of the best all time science fiction

movies you know

alien 2 it just

alien 1 was so fucking badass

when that shit came out dude

i remember i went to see that and the

first thing i said

when i got out of the theater i said fuck star wars

fuck star wars

like that’s like

i’m a huge star wars fan i saw star wars like

13 times when i was a little kid

but when i saw alien

and i was like

just that’s what

aliens are gonna be like man it’s not

gonna be like some fucking

furry dude with

a bandolier on and a gun

that’s not gonna be

aliens man aliens is

gonna be some

weird parasites

that lock onto people

and grow inside our

bodies and explode out of our

chests i said

yeah your weaver was a bad

motherfucker yeah wasn’t

she she’s bad she’s

badass she’s badass

that is when she was

young too you know

she was fierce

she didn’t give a fuck

there’s a few you

know there’s a few people that make acting worthwhile

and they don’t seem to need that much attention

they seem to be pretty fucking

like that guy

who’s the guy on my left foot daniel day lewis

that guy that guy’s a brilliant actor and

you barely even fucking hear a peep

about that guy

he’s never going to like

events and making a big deal

about things

and holding

press conferences and fucking

sitting in talk shows and

you know crossing his legs talking

about his fucking vacation you know no

no that guy’s

hiding in ireland

learning how to box

you know what i mean

he’s fucking eating gruel and

living in a prison because he’s got to be in a prison

movie you know

that i liked it i really

respect that part of the ass he’s the baddest

motherfucker of all time

danny day lewis

between him and gary oldman it’s like it’s a toss up

you know gary oldman even in this

stupid red riding hood

movie i went to

see red riding hoods was that good by the way i don’t

think he ever

did it was good it’s okay

it was decent

you know what it was

it was like

it was entertaining

you know but it was parts of it that wii u say wow this

could have been really good

this could have

been really good but it got a little twilight y

at the end it got a lot twilight

y at the end

but there’s parts of it that

gary oldman’s a bad


even in a silly movie

he still comes across

like the creepiest


makes you uncomfortable when you see him

you know like gosh

shit he’s here like you feel it when he’s in the room

he ain’t no fucking cardboard cutout of a villain

he’s thinking like a fucking villain

his eyes are lit up like a killer like for real he’s

not you know there’s some dudes that

don’t know how to

do that or they can’t do that i don’t know what it is

i can’t do it

i don’t know what it is

did they do it

i’ve never been a

successful actor

but whatever the fuck it is that

those guys have

like what’s this

thing russell crowe he’s got it too

they can just become somebody

they can just

really become someone different than who they are

there’s only a few dudes who can do that

but those guys are valuable

you know those guys that’s a that’s a

crazy trick man when

you you you

you don’t you know

what this guy really fucking talks like and it’s not

weirding you out

but all of a

sudden he’s got this strange accent

like you know what russell

crowe really talks like

but all of a

sudden he’s

playing some guy from brooklyn and you buy it

how are you buying into this why

come on i know what his real

voice sounds like

but yet i’m

still roped in

he’s that good

you know who’s the worst

20 million of fuck yeah

you know who’s the

worst that doing that though michael myers

mike myers i mean

every single

movie is the same fucking character

exactly well it’s different when you try to be funny

you know he’s a

sketch guy bro

these fucking actors listen

that’s some

motherfucking actors that

could act their fucking ass off

and when they’re around you you know it

denzel marlon brando

the chick from

the postman always rings

twice that jessica

lang oh yeah

bitches with


these fucking little bitches

today couldn’t deal with

these actress

today hanging out at the fucking

on hollywood

you think half of these


could run with marlon

brandon when he was

slinging dick in his day

are you fucking kidding me

they went down a pot what’s that

movie did down

the island when he met

when he before he bought the island i love dr moreau

no the one before that with a treasure

with what a brother said yeah go down there

have a blast they went

down he wasn’t even directly he was banging fucking

chicks ahead

of the time

he had some

water boy fucking film in

the fucking movie

he had footage in every

boats going

by the birds

they’re like

marlon what the fuck you’ve been doing that

after eight

months they

weren’t even

gonna give the godfather because of that

they were like

we don’t even want to hear that fucking name

eight months of our life we went down in his wildlife

we’re sending

checks down here

he bought a fucking island

really you don’t know

about why i know he

lived on an island

right and then for superman

they’re trying

to call him up come back he’s like listen i read the

script send me a hundred grand

you had to pay him to read a

script wow twenty

grand to read

you want him to show up that’s a hundred

grand for a media

come off the island dog so

twenty grand to read a hundred

grand to why

did they hazel

when he died he had been pissing them off for

thirty fucking years

and they couldn’t do nothing was wrong

for the guy showed up at the oscars

didn’t even show up he sent an indian

to pick up his fucking

oscar go online

and look at it

she’s up there fucking a bull with her and shoot

this guy last week at the

oh well what’s his

little fact name and half the way the guy all they know

bitch you go back i don’t know

what happened what happened

no nothing happened

there people complaining online that he wasn’t

funny bitch you

know was it

james franco yeah when

marlon brando

sent a fucking indian with a feather in their hat

to pick up his

oscar they were buddha

that’s real hollywood

steve mcqueen

those we’ve had this conversation

well that was

their only outlet to

express themselves back then they didn’t have twitter

or the internet or anything like that you couldn’t like

stage a protest

what express yourself you’re an actor

if you wanted to

do something you wanted to protest something in public

yeah you had to do it during an award show like on

television that’s the only way

for people to see it i’ve

never thought about that

not only that people

wouldn’t re see it how do you re see it

there was no reason

shit like that

so you had to make like if you wanted to make a

stand making public

stands was very important

back then there’s the only way you had a voice

right you know

put more indians

in the movies

those black guys

at the olympics

they they held

their fists up the with the

black gloves on all

right the black power fist

you know because

they’re tired of being fucking

been treated like

their shit their whole life

and finally they get to do something

they win the olympics and they’re like look bitch

stop with all this nonsense all this racial hatred

and then everybody looked at it like as if

they’re racist

what they’re doing oh they’re black

separatists oh they’re dangerous

that’s a reaction

that’s a reaction to the society that they

lived in and

where else were they

gonna make that protest

that’s the priest

that’s exactly the

right place to do it

they did it

subtle enough for me they hold

their fucking fist up in the air

that’s subtle enough for me that’s

how the fuck else you say

i’m talking

about that message

that they sent sixty

you know what it was nineteen

sixty something what is he saying

what is public

enemy got a song like that

raise your fist to the music

united we stand yet

divided we fall

together we can’t stand

tall brother’s

gonna work it out sometime

sometime realize

it’s super bad

what’s up b

yeah that was when you had

a thousand bitches look at him i’m

watching it brian’s

incorrect he’s a very loyal

loyal boy shit

slinging dick he’s

breaking everybody’s records

let’s get that pop star hair

thing going on

sexy bitch whatever

he’s looking like whatever

whatever so over i’m

going to a food truck

what the fuck

brian what do

you guys ever gone

what’s up with these food

trucks i don’t know if it’s like this

everywhere but in la the food

trucks have attacked la

now food trucks are

so popular they have twitter’s

where you could

go on twitter and find out where the

truck is and

on melrose the

other day the

whole street

just food trucks lined up

thousands of people

everywhere this is a new recent

trend right yeah

brand new you know

it’s perfect for la

cause the momos are out there with that twitter and

you know where

is he oh my god we can’t live without the food

the food’s okay the

grilled cheese one have you been there the grilled

cheese was good

and there’s another one that’s popped

toppers god damn

and they don’t

pay rent there’s no overheads the food’s very cheap

wow you know

it’s not bad pretty badass they have them in

front of skinnies on thursday

they have an open mic

and skinnies you go in there and do comedy

and on the way out they got

these fucking

trucks everywhere so

wow i see those

mexican ones i don’t take the chance no they’re like

those like upgraded

you know like

nowadays they’re like it’s like a restaurant i think

about taking a chance though sometimes

like there’s l tapatio

in the valley who

i want to take

you there if you want to go get some real

mexican food

l tapatio yeah that

was it’s legit

it’s um i think it’s in woodland hills it’s on um

like van owen or something like that that

place is legit

they’re pork tacos carnitas and oh oh

they have that

big dirty bowl

of pickled jalapenos

and carrots just sitting out there anybody

could just stick

their fucking hands in there

no one cares

big little plate of jalapenos

and radishes and shit like that and

those jalapenos will fuck your world up

these are jalapenos they grew you know i’m saying

they grew these shits in

their backyard they got

these new jalapenos they don’t make your ass burn

like just when you shit

they stay there all day it’s like a

subtle fucking burn to remind you

all day you’re in the bathroom triple wiping

cause you think you didn’t wipe

right you think you have like the

second remorse

coming out of your

muffler but

these new jalapenos

bro they burn your ass all fucking day

new jalapenos i had this last week or two my asshole

was on fire all fucking day i’m done with that stuff

what you don’t eat mexican food oh no

no jalapenos

that shit just fucks me up too much dude i make carne

asada burritos

with fresh jalapenos and i

chop em up in there

and i chop up like a

whole pepper and a half and then

in one burrito

and it just fuckin

cleans the whole

system out son

it’s not from oh your

tears are coming down your eyes your tongue’s on fire

but god damn your body’s like

it gets like a nice jolt it feels like you’re fucking

dusting off all the bullshit

nah you don’t get into it huh

setting out half a

quarter cup

brian likes mashed potatoes

mashed potatoes and meatloaf no

gravy please

thank you do you have milk

do you have

whole milk white

bread i had a

piece of mashed meatloaf from last

night on white

bread wonder

bread shit shit shit shit

ketchup on that


stop it here’s another

strong place to eat there’s a

place called

chicks out here in the valley

and i think that’s in calabasas

maybe somewhere around that anyway this fucking

place has they made

their own rotisserie

they throw wood in it it’s a

wood burning rotisserie family owned they’ve owned this

place fucking forever

you have to pay cash yeah

you’ve been there before you have to pay cash

they don’t have credit card machines fuck you cash

and they got this fucking brisket sandwich dude

it’s a barbecued brisket with

with mashed potatoes

in the sandwich

there’s a layer of mashed potatoes and a

layer of this

mouth watering

brisket and it’s all

in together

and you know it’s a

giant ass look dude

i’ll take you there

after this you’re

gonna shit your pants

i i ate it i

ate it two days ago and i’ve had irregular shits ever

since then i am so backed up

it’s all from this

thing it’s giant it

weighs thirteen

pounds it’s the biggest sandwich you’ve ever eaten

shit green like fluorescent green today and the only

thing i could think of it was the mushrooms

no aids the mushrooms no bro that’s my

shits tripped

jet hulk aides bro

it was weird when

i never mind i want to talk about

the fuck brian i shroomed you okay i shroomed

for my first time in like seven or eight years i should

two days ago beautiful

can you get some

i could get you

what the fuck are we not on the internet you cunts

jesus christ you guys gonna get raided

no we’re not gonna get any we talking

shiitake yeah fucking shiitake

you fucking guys a little too casual

yeah yeah i’m

excited about new york

decided to do

open anthony i’m so excited to

do the weigh ins can’t wait to do shows i got them

excited about everything man

you know i’m

sorry i missed

you it was just that i didn’t want to ask you

no it’s okay

i didn’t really know and they gave me the rock

chest a week

when i was there last year

and all of a

sudden i see the

ufcs back to this year so i didn’t want to

leave for 10 days in a row and ask you yeah

no i understand

no worries man no and

then i said fuck it because

i wanted to go back but i didn’t want to go back there

because it’s

gonna be busy in the next couple weeks

and it’s weird because i was telling you that day i’m

going to visit a

buddy of mine

and i wanted to tell you the

story just so you didn’t know

in 83 you know i was a fucked up kid and

i was at a bar one

night and this kid came in

and i knew his

whole family i knew his younger brothers

and this kid had gone to the air

force academy

where you had one

you got under the

train or something once

no i went to

olympic training

springs and his

other brother went to brown

and we used to go

visit his brother

his brother used to be there when kennedy was on campus

they were in the same fucking

thing so we

would go up there and

watch jackie oh

come to the

campus and people

would throw shit out of

and call her jackie oh your country

was fucking crazy

but just to get back to the story

i wanted to

get out of jersey you know i wasn’t doing the right

thing you know and

he came to me he’s like i got a

place in colorado if you want to come

because we’ll buy a car and

drive out and i was like i’ll give you the

money for the car

but i wanted to rob this dude

right i wanted

to rob this drug dealer that used to hide

three kilos they used to deliver

three kilos a month

to his to his

building and he

would hide it

in his parking garage

so somebody

slipped one

night at a party and said that his

buddy got three kilos delivered

and he didn’t want to put the coke in his house so

my plan was to rob the kilos

now at the time i used to deal with a loan

shark all the time

and he was my

you know he wasn’t my friend but i knew him for years

and i was trying to set him up too

i would make him payments

every week so what i was

gonna do is rob the drug dealers

give him the five

grand i owe

them wait ten days

and then hit him for 50

and then take off the

colorado by how

i was gonna do

right wait a

minute wait a

minute wait a

minute i got lost oh dog i used to be the real deal

i’ve been trying to tell you this for years so you were

gonna pay him back and then rob him i was

gonna pay him but i used to borrow

from this guy constantly okay years he owned the bar

he was a mob

guy we used to borrow from constantly constantly

like you fucking borrow five hundred for

seven fifty

so that was ten weeks to

seventy five dollars a week

so people would come to me and say bro i’m

gonna bind with george

i’m gonna bind

can you get me

money from george and i

would borrow and i get a

point every week

so i was lending out

money so all together my bill was six

grand with him

but it was people that were paying the guy do you

understand that

weird thing like lending

money money oh

that’s an east coast

thing isn’t it yeah

this is huge

it’s not an east

coast thing it is it everybody loan

loan shot there’s loan

sharks in our

banks a loan shot

thanks along

yeah yeah yeah

what do you want

yeah no you’re right

some people

have a card business and they really they’re in a bind

they’re legit people

but they want

to buy 10 cars they don’t have the cash on

but you know what god damn

could you imagine if there was no banks

how much it

would suck if you had to

carry all your

money around with you

oh no what if you had gold

one of you were like 50

000 in gold fucking

second there i come with a horse and

stabbed me in the fucking

mouth what the

fuck what the fuck that’s when people used to

hold up money and dig

holes in the dirt and bury shit

that’s why they did because they couldn’t

carry it all it’s

stupid wonder how much

money is buried

still whatever banks cost they’re

worth it even when they rip everybody off god it

would suck if there’s no banks

there’s no banks

where’s the money

right money

doesn’t even

the problem with

money is it

doesn’t really

mean anything anymore

it’s not like

this 100 bill

is worth 100

worth of gold it’s not

based on gold anymore

it’s based on

confidence like you have to believe

in the money

right that’s

silly that’s

crazy that’s why everyone

should just spin it as fast as possible it

doesn’t make

sense i mean gold makes no

sense anyway

i mean even if you get

to that i mean the fact that everybody was into gold

you know the only

thing that makes sense

about gold is

that i guess

it’s rare you know

you can’t just have it

you can’t just like say look

i’ve got millions of dollars because it’s

everywhere you just go out in the woods and cut it down

it’s hard to get

but what the fuck man

there’s gotta be a better way

fuck the fucking gold

you right away your poor reveal with gold

was talking about

fascinating man

he’s fascinating

eight hundred dollars

a fuck so you’re ripping

people off so i’m not ripping nobody off i’m gonna

set this guy up because i wanted a new life in

colorado so we’re

gonna rob this drug deal i was

gonna take that

money pay the loan shark off

wait 10 days and go hey

i got a line on a kilo

coke i need 50 000 dollars you probably gave me 30

and i was gonna move to

colorado and buy property

and whatever

the fuck you just

why didn’t you

think he was

gonna go after you

because if they don’t they don’t

go outside fucking new york city that’s only in the

movies these fucking

these guys go to

miami and they’re scared you know what i’m saying

you know the people you grew up with in boston

where do they go

they go to fucking whatever

the fucking pigeon

place in boston in the summer

and anything out of that area

their comfort zone they fucking

freak bro they can’t take it

you know the mob really lost a lot of credibility when

sammy the beau

gravano got away with everything

everybody lost credibility

that was the most ridiculous

thing i was like

i thought they were for sure was

gonna kill that guy

right that’s what happens you can’t be a rat

you know he walked the don

up whoa there must be like people coming after him

that’s when

you realize you’re like whoa this is not the organized

thing that appears to be you know what they killed

sammy the bull who

chicago cops were putting together to murder

sammy the bull

really to make

money yeah how

much was the money

i had no idea but they knew that there was a contract

album and chicago cops are

gonna go down there and

blast it that’s so

crazy man to be a

dirty cop man you

gotta really take a chance you

gotta really put yourself out there

you know and

to get a bunch of

other dirty cops together like you

gotta like assume that you’re all

gonna keep your mouth shut

and you’re all

but it happens all

the time man all the time they’re always busting cops

this is too much

too much power there’s

too much temptation i’ve

searched before there’s tons of

dirty cops on

craigslist oh bro

she stumbled on that one too

so excited to get it out

you know it’s

crazy man because

after a cop is a cop you know i

could just imagine being living all your life

to protect your country and blah blah

blah and also one day you actually

to be a cop you have

to have a certain gene you really want to help people

you really have to genuinely

hurt help people because it’s

thirty thousand a year or it’s just you want the job

some people

i think it’s more than that

thirty eight thousand to

start is that

a walk a beat

carry a gun and people

shoot at you

none of these cops are getting fucking rich

you got to be

a cop for years and become a detective and

you know a first

and how much can a detective make

seventy eighty thousand

maybe a hundred thousand

a commander chief

a hundred and

fifty thousand man i don’t know but i don’t

think a lot that’s why there’s

dirty fucking cops

that’s why one day they go what the fuck am i doing

right i have take a little

here take a little bit you know i’m making

thirty eight thousand

a fucking a year

you know and

this guy wants to give me 5 000 so i don’t bust his

book making operations on the corner who the fuck are

they bothering

you know that’s how it

starts bro and it’s a

and i guess it’s like

we were talking

about the other that you and

andy dickon

they said that

sometimes when you doing a bad show you’re so

upset with yourself

that you resort to doing you know you just not

happy with you the

right condition of your life

it was happen for a cop too

it’s fucking

tough being a cop

every night at the end of the day you go home at

eight in the morning

after a twelve hour

shift and you’re making

forty fucking

grand a year and people

shooting at you you got to be out there in the rain and

you know nobody you know it’s

funny because only on tv at people nice to cops right

you know cops put up with a lot of

shit on the

other and you know people like

me i was a criminal so i’m always a gentleman to cops

i don’t want them

fighting that war so i’m as nice as honey

i was nice you know i’m saying

but there’s people out there that have a little

money or take that back to the bones

like why are you pulling me over for a bitch

you get the

ticket motherfucker for opening up like that

officer was i doing something yeah

listen they’re

there because there’s a lot of people that are

fucking crazy and you need some

protection from

those people

you need somebody

pulling them over when they’re weaving in between lanes

you need someone tackling them when they’re

ready to shoot people in a fucking mall you need cops

people that don’t

think you need cops are crazy

i give anarchist

talk like the

older i got

the older i got

and the wise you get i give my life to

teachers cops anybody was a public service

you know all last week we’re talking

about this fucking mutt

charlie sheen is

basically a fucking rich junkie

if you come

down to it that’s just sitting there talking shit

do you have the boss to go on a

plane right now and go to

japan and help

those fucking people

nobody talks

about those fucking people nobody

can’t really nobody listens

to a fucking doctor

if a doctor did a fucking podcast today

and tried to tell you how to stay fucking healthy

you think you get the

you get or this fucking momo

charlie sheen

no dr oz dr

oz you know you

think about that our

show think about our fucking society

those guys over

japan right now picking up fucking

walls there’s kids

under there yelling and screaming

they’ll see

things we wouldn’t even imagine seen in a lifetime

those guys are

gonna come back

and next week

they’ll have another disaster in venezuela

or in oregon and

those guys will never get

not even a fucking thank you

you know that that that’s always kill me i i can

never be a public servant

i’m too much of a fucking

piece of shit

there’s people out there that just

that’s what they live for

you know and they really believe in it

bro the day

after that earthquake

think how many people just got on the plane

and they just came back from somewhere else

where was there an

earthquake they just

they just got back killing fucking

earthquake no

no new zealand new zealand

where the church and there’s a lot of goddamn

earthquakes lately well fucking dude was sitting

here like pigeons on a pond i don’t know what the fuck

doing here giggling

with a like a

bunch of fucking

bobos what next

it’s either

gonna be san francisco oregon to buy us some more time

and then we’ll fucking next chris it’s

where we need to go to fucking

texas when shit goes down

texas is the best

place to live at

least all the guns are

gonna come out and shit but think

about all that shit last week with

these people

think about what it takes to go over there

right now what are

those people getting paid

to get on the

plane and go help

those japanese people it’s a good question

fucking i turned down 50

fucking gigs if i got to

drive an hour

these motherfuckers are

going over there

think about that bro you know

what can they even do

right now right now

what they have to do is figure out how to deal with

those nuclear

actors yeah

you’re walking into a

newly active

place to help

some people

you have no idea who they are

the people in this country give a frenchman’s

fuck about that

visible cocksucker

charlie sheen

that’s what i

understand i

think no one cares

about charlie

sheen anymore i

think it’s over yeah

it’s fucking over

it feels like it’s so lasting what

the fuck who gives a fuck

it’s really

quick it burned out

quick i got

tired of it

i loved it for now

you wait for the call like belushi

stream video killed it for me i

think yeah me too

it’s just the

first one when the guy was playing the fart

noises i’m like whoa

these are the

people he’s hanging out with that’s what he

thought that

those are coke people

those coke people are idiots

you know that’s that’s what it is code people are these

weird fucking

selfish indulgent

self destructive people

they’re not fun to hang out with there’s no

cool conversation i did it for

thirty fucking years

and for the

first ten i did it with people

cause it was

fun you know how it’s fun oh my god let’s do a little

oh that’s great

after that i became

this person that was inside i can be out with people

but i never hung out with

those i didn’t like it i can’t listen

to people when they’re doing coke i want to kill them

that’s why after a

while you can’t even take

chicks home

because all you want them to do is suck your dick

i gotta listen to this fucking

story again there’s a line snorted

suck them fucking

nuts well what everybody likes

about this whole charlie sheen

thing is that

this guy is saying you know fuck it i’m just

gonna have fun this is what i do this is how i roll

you know you don’t like it fuck you i’m a rock star

you know that he’s like got this

crazy confidence and

everything he’s doing you know winning

you know next and everybody wants to be able to

think like that everybody wants to be able to

you know like people that are

struggling and they’re

going through some shitty job

like goddamn how badass

would it be to be fucking charlie sheen

right now it’s really funny

you said something to me

after the vegas show

you took me aside you like huh

yeah joey you know you

stand up i can see you

working on it or whatever the fuck you had to say to me

well the coke was doing the same

thing to my fucking stand up

instead of writing jokes all i used to say was fuck

i’m joey diaz

i can bang at 50

i go up there lies to you bro drugs

coke cigarettes they lie to you

this idiot’s buying into some columbia

well i’m not saying he’s on the money

but i am saying that if he didn’t die this way was he

gonna live forever and cure cancer what

the fuck difference does it make he’s i mean the only

thing that’s sad and

tragic is his kids are

gonna miss him

but you know what

i mean what is he doing what does he want to do with

himself this is what he wants to do he wants a fucking

party i don’t

think you should stop him

yeah oh no are you kidding me gerrard that’s so weak

you fuck swore i thought it was off

nobody important

it’s all right

that happens sometimes i made the mistakes to a call

that’s of course it’s susman

that’s my man

so yeah shrooming

man was fucking amazing but you have a great

it was visual it was to the

point where the person i was with i

could see their energy flowing through their skin

and then we went outside and the stars were going

crazy and then

shadows looked like they had

texture it was

fucking amazing

for good hours any

diarrhea or anything from the mushroom just

just bright

green shit today

right that’s

what that kills me

i used to trip

while i was

i used to get the diarrhea

while i was on the mushroom

me too that last time that’s why i had done i

just got when i

lived in colorado

i need a mushroom and 10

minutes later

i’m gonna shit it

trying to figure out how many trees they cut but

have you done it the tea way before that

seemed like it was so much easier in your stomach

it didn’t have any problems the

tea is fucking

great yeah i’ve done the tea for concerts

great i’ve had the amanita muscaria

tea what’s that and how was that that’s the mushroom

that they believe is responsible for christianity

that crazy red

white mushroom that looks like

santa claus is it like a mushroom mushroom

like i mean

psychedelic mushroom

yeah it’s a


mushroom but it’s a different sort of a

psychedelic it’s very

weird you know

i don’t know if what i got was good stuff

it was very strange and then

doug and i did

it and the day we did it was the day the war

broke out 9 11

yeah yeah the day we went to war and

we decided to go this dude

yon’s house

you know shut your shit up bro

that’s you son

anyway we go to this kid yon’s

house and he lives out in the middle of the desert

this weird fucking town

out in like palmdale area or something you know

not there but

one of those towns

where you’re like what

the fuck who’s out here why what are you doing out here

and we get blitzkrieged on mushrooms out there

and then we

watched the news

and the news i’ll

never forget this i’ve talked

about this before

doug stanhope

said the guy goes on he goes war coverage

begins at five

and stan help goes

holy shit there’s a kickoff

and we are shroomed to the gills

to the point where

everything i see i shouldn’t be social i

should have been

alone in the room

closing my eyes

lying on my back um

you see i saw

the fabric of the universe as i was walking

everything was a pattern

in front of me it was all

really intense complex geometrics it was like

the covering of the walls like

wallpaper or doors or anything

all that stuff was

it became transparent

and you could see

literally the

structure of the universe through

everything it was

we were fucked i mean we were gone

and and the fucking war coverage

starts and it was so strange that’s

crazy i couldn’t imagine that it was so bizarre

man just didn’t seem real it’s like

it’s two thousand

and whatever the fuck it was back then two

three and i was like this is how we’re rocking it

this is how we’re rocking it we’re just gonna

what the fuck that probably fucked you up somehow

you know i don’t know

it’s probably like burnt into your mind cause

mushrooms with 9 11

that’s insane

cause 9 11 was

crazy for everybody

cause that was something they

never saw ever

you saw it in a


way and that’s no the war

going off not 9 11 so

9 11 i just

remember when we were hanging out on 9 11

it was interesting we went over to mike faberman’s

house it was

eddie and ralphie

and joey it was an interesting fucking day because

boy the shit had went down and we went to baja

fresh and we had some burritos

and we were just sitting there and

shooting the shit and just talking and

not a fucking

plane in the sky that was one of the weirdest things

when they shut down all the flights

not a plane in the sky

speaking of

favor man he

has a new book out and he’s been actually doing really

yeah tour like that the morning show tour

all around the

country and stuff

him and his

other cookbook

yeah it’s a cookbook and he

writes it for camping

for like like gourmet food

while you’re camping and

stuff or outside and

i have never

eaten favorite

man’s food but i hear he’s a bad


got great chicken man

chicken i know what he puts on it but

yeah it’s crazy because i did

a i hit a window pane acid one

night when i was

why did they call

it was like a clear acid

it was like

it looked like a

piece of glass yeah

so i did it one night and

the people i

would the one guy i was with

freaked out it was a

monday night football game and he goes bro i

gotta go home i know i fucking go home

i guess i’ll trip solo

so i went and i know i

call for a buddy man

knock on his door his dad answers

he’s like joey come on in

i’m like a mr bender

i cannot come on and have a soda

wait for at least

should be back from the gym or something

so i sit down and i’m sitting there

tripping my ass off

watching fucking

monday night football with him

and he’s telling me

about the stats of the game it was a jet game

and i’m sitting in his dark he

watch the tv in the dark

and all sudden how it goes

out comes on he goes

i like to report something

john lennon has just been shot in

front of the dakotas

and here i am

tripping on this fucking acid

and i’m flying by this time and he’s

watching tv in the darkness

and he’s talking

about and i’m thinking

about john lennon

getting shot

reports are

coming in he’s getting just got shot in dakota

will keep you posted oh my god america i have a sad

former beetle and he just went into the

speech you could hear it on youtube

but i’ll never forget sitting there

thinking to myself

you know like

because when you when you’re

tripping you really can’t comprehend

the thought

and they go through you it’s like john lennon

got shot and they

shoot the other beatles

well i hope they shut off you know

just keep fucking going

and you can’t stop

these fucking thoughts

but that was

what happened to me that day like i just want to

call for brian

and he’s like

brian’s at playing at his league

but if you want to sit and

watch the game

it’s weird when you remember when people died

the jolt like what is it what is

about memory that some memories

are so much more potent than others

some memories just stay forever they’re just locked in

and you just don’t get rid of them you remember

where you were sitting

you remember what the room looked like or you

think you remember what the room looked like i bet it

would be a little

bit different if you actually saw it in real life

but when people died like

i remember i was at my


house when i was like 18

and the space shuttle challenger

blew up and i

watched it blow up on tv

and i didn’t realize what had happened

while i was

flying through the i’m not sure if i saw a replay of it

or if i saw it live

but i didn’t

know what was happening and then it blew up

and then i realized

what they were showing

and then i had to turn the volume up and i’m

watching this

i’m like holy shit like it blew up in the sky but like

i can see the carpet

i can see the walls of her room i mean i can see the

whole thing

i remember everything it’s like it’s locked in on me

you know what is that why

how come i mean

is it just do we not have enough capacity

to remember shit like that

all the time i don’t know if it’s that or what because

sometimes that kind of shit pops out of nowhere though

like it wasn’t deleted

like oh my god i forgot all

about that and

all these memories come rushing in

like out of nowhere so

it’s almost wonder

makes me wonder if there is a drug or something that

could just open all the doors

and open all the memory and

give you access to all

the files i’ve been taking this five

htp what is that shit from gnc

where it’s supposed to be

pumping more

serotonin serotonin

and stuff like it were

i’ve been only taking it like for a week

but immediately

i already find my mind working better in memory

really yeah

in happiness i feel like

like more of course there’s

other reasons too probably

you know i said chris and i are coming up with

a like a supplement line we’re

gonna figure

out all the best shit like we’re working on it

right now he is working on it

and we’re gonna have

pills where it’s all of the best vitamins

for mental throw that shit in function

throw that shit in there if you can

5 hd you know i’m talking

about that i’ve

never done it before but you know what i’m talking

about i take a

bunch of different

stuff but that’s not one of them

i tell you what exercises me is what i really write

about a situation

when i sit down i go okay

today i’m gonna

write about

the time i tried out for

freshman football

and even though i had no fucking idea

about it and then the memories come back and

everything everything in that genre

yeah everything in that

genre that maybe had to do with music

music when we’re driving stuff yeah

nobody ever gets teary eyed in the car

you hear a song man my

buddy johnny b

yeah my best friend who died

i would never hear van morrison

marvelous night for a moon dance

that was like his

song we would go to the diner

these diners you

know in new york they’re all a lot of them are open 24

hours they have this

thing here like this that you

spin around a little bit yeah and they had the fucking

thing where you can pick the songs to listen to

you put a couple

quarters in there and you can play songs

at your table

yeah you have like little shitty

tinny speakers

and we’d be

eating cheeseburger deluxes at

three o’clock in the morning

after playing pool

and he would play

moon dance so now it

doesn’t matter

where i am i was in germany

i was in germany in the

hotel and it’s playing in the

lobby marvelous

night for a moon

dance and i’m like mom

so you just

think about that dude

things get stuck in there man

but you know what nothing gets

stuck in there my act

you know my old material

shit when some of the people like yell out at a show

like i’ve had that a

bunch of times

especially when i was doing the q amp a

which i haven’t been doing recently

because i’m

trying to do more like a tighter hard i like your

set i like it tighter

i do too you know

i thought of that

after i saw norton

i saw norton in

austin and killed he had a

great set and

he only did like 50 minutes

and i thought

about it i’m like man that’s

all you need to do like

these hour and a half sets that i’m doing two hour sets

and a lot of it is just

q amp a some people like it but some people feel

obligated to

stick around like

it’s just like

it’s too much attention that you’re asking for

tell me your show is over and then do the q amp a maybe

i’m gonna figure out another way to do q amp a

maybe do a night

where it’s just q amp a

where it’s not you know

make it real

cheap you know just to pay for the room

and make it so that like

one night maybe there’s not a

stand up show it’s a q amp a show

because it’s like

it’s a little indulgent

but anyway my

point is when people yell out shit and they yell out

do this bit do like noah’s

ark or something like that man

i fucking forget a lot of them

like if you yelled out anna nicole smith

it’s one of my best bits ever

but if i go back and

try to figure out how to do it now i’ll fuck it up

you didn’t know his arc pretty good the

other day i saw you

pull that out because i was baked as

jesus i was

jesus on an asteroid

i even forgot

it i can’t believe i remembered it because that was the

first time i had done it in years and this guy

asked for it i was like wow

i don’t even know if i can do this

but i did it and closed with it but

that was a mistake in

vegas too to do a q amp a in

front of 2 000 fucking people there’s just too

many people there’s too many people yelling shit out

if i was gonna do something like that i had to do with

microphones like have like a

little line like we did in columbus when we did the the

dvd when is

ufc coming back to columbus are they ever

gonna come i don’t

think we are

maybe in the future but

we just did

strike they did

strike force

did the last columbus show the arnold was just

two weeks ago when

yeah it was always a cool week and you had the arnold

show fuck yeah it was awesome

yeah that’s why i did my special yeah i love the

club that’s a

funny bones great

did the theater that i did too was um

was it called

again the southern theater

yeah the theater

that we filmed

the special and may west used to perform there

and fucking groucho marx wow

oh no no no not groucho marx

wc fields wc

fields in may west performed there

what the fuck man

that’s some history

that’s amazing imagine trying to be an actor back then

how fucking

tough it must have been

i mean shit there’s

there’s no internet

does i mean you got to get picked to do

things you got to get picked the the

state you know

studio has to choose you

that’s probably there must have been so much chickenery

going on back then what’s that chickenery

um like in appropriate behavior

it was different that it was inappropriate

i like how you

threw out words like like like an african

sometimes you like me the

maximation proximation

oh like an african person

or the really

huge words sometime i’m like what

not your chicanor

that’s not even intelligent word it’s a

silly word i

think it’s like a

slang term yeah but that’s that’s

way different

vocabulary than i but joey do

you did you know what that word was no

what i’m trying to say

i don’t remember what the fuck i was trying to say

we’re trying to say

about how hard it

was it’s so weird because

if you talk to people from them like even

hollywood was different then they’d move you out here

and you and you suck everyone’s dick

and then they give you a script

and a loaf of bread

they gave you a paycheck every week

and you just

gotta sign different films all those

guys that you see from the 60s and 50s that were here

they all lived in burbank

burbank all

those houses that look the same shit you remember all

those movies

about like jfk

like they always have

those blondes

that were with

jfk that were like sort of semi disposable

they would always be like hanging around but they

never really addressed them right

that’s like ninety percent of what came to hollywood

people came here

lost looking to

stick some people stuck

the people that did

stick all the

other people said look they stuck

they stuck look that this will

still think

they stuck they’re

still there

they’re famous

and they get sucked into the system

and wind up being one of

those little

quiet girls and jfk’s arm yeah

that still happens

today huh fuck yeah it does

that’s this is it man this is the land of dreams

this is the strangest fucking

place on earth

this is the

place where

you go to maximize how many people who know who you are

what yeah that you can make a living

just on that now

you got to suck a little dick and do something

where people pay attention to you on the internet like

kim kardashian

but basically she

started out

blowing her boyfriend and fucking them

on the internet in

videos obviously produced

videos you know obviously produced oh

absolutely and then

she’s fucking you know

macy’s now she’s signing perfume bottles at macy’s

i was in australia

and there was a fucking billboard with kim

kardashian on it in australia

she goes around the

world we’re

good for her yeah i figured

whatever i mean she’s not it’s not

a baby it’s not a

baby landing

yeah there’s nothing

wrong but it’s

fascinating that this is the spot

where all this goes down this is the spot

where everybody comes to make something happen

comes to get some attention

there’s a lot of people that fall through the cracks

you know there’s a lot of

victims in this fucking town

so how many

people have come and

god since you’ve been here a lot

have you have you ever gotten

facebook and say hey yeah you like

those are creepy what the

fuck happened to that guy

cause i forget

about half the people i

moved to upstate new york remember lazlo fishing

remember lazlo lazlo

he used to hang out at the comedy

store all the time

a long time ago lazlo he

moved to florida

anyway never mind

somebody just

slipped away

used to talk to him

like every week

why don’t i not remember that guy

i remember i don’t remember what he looked like but i

remember the name what was the town coordinator when we

first got to the

store scott day

he hits me up he’s like in fucking jerusalem

i’m walking through europe right now

people have

come and gone

that had big plans and deals and yeah nineteen

scripts and i met with pacino last week

these motherfuckers are gone

jack we seen a lot of that

fucking real estate

i got an email last week on my regular

email from some

dude i call him back and i’m like hey how you doing

he was my first manager

whoa and he was a filth

his family was filthy rich

and he went back to sell real

estate he’s like hey man i’m just calling you because

i’m opening up comedy clubs

again what i’m talking

about he goes the bottom fell out

but it’s amazing that i forgot all

about that fucking dude

that was ten fucking years ago

yeah some people just decide it’s not for them what if

i was too much stress

that we were friends with that one day oh


but we were friends how many friends have we had that

a lot how many

people with talent

people that came to the

store so i got a

script i just sold and you got

boom four year

later like oh no i’m doing

radio in wisconsin

what the fuck

you would just sell the

script the paramount

it’s amazing

how many people come and go through here

and get spit up dude there’s so many how

about guys with

talent how about mike

rico huh how

about mike rico

mike rico when i

started out in 1994 mike rico was a

funny fucking comic

he’s still a

funny guy i’m sure

i saw when i saw mike rick at the

store i remember thinking

we were probably around the same

age or something

and i remember

thinking this fucking guy’s

gonna be huge

this guy’s funny he’s

funny he’s confident up there

he’d already had the

article written

about them when i went to the

store there was like an

article that was framed like in the lobby

like a little article

about mike ricker

i think this guy’s

gonna fucking take off but for whatever fucking reason

the pieces don’t fall in the right

order you know

it was just amazing it was a

weird chelsea

hotel yeah chelsea handler

was up there with us from day one

she’s going gangbusters now that

crazy bitch

look at her she’s got like sitcoms and

she’s got her own fucking show like a reality show

about her show

so she’s get her show and then she’s got a reality show

about herself

good for her

i hope she’s the white

drunk oprah

that’s what i hope

you look good for her you know i

heard was on that reality show

about chelsea

the girl from

denver that

the assistant

oh really awesome she’s one of the characters

yeah she’s a

girl from denver

remember the assistant that used to always

drive us around where the

comedy works

yeah i do remember but why am i

blanking out her name

eve eve eva eva eva

jesus christ yeah

um yeah she’s awesome she works for chelsea handler now

yeah you know

i’m fucking i’m always

happy when someone

figures out a way to make it through the the

crazy net that you know

that though

the like the

salmon ladder or whatever the fuck it is to get to

the top you know i’m always fascinated you know really

weird like the people that i thought were gonna be

fucking stars

how about people like dane cook

you know i would have

never guessed that dane cook

would have hit the way he hit

no disrespect

it just i mean i knew it i

couldn’t believe that he

dude you knew that he was

gonna get that big i knew it by one conversation we had

after he went to the lap stop really

in front of the

laugh factory i said to him what did you

think of the lap stop and he goes bro

it was good

but it was too

much fucking work i got to figure out how to narrow it

until one night

and i knew right there

after i could that was a year before he hit her too

doing a whole

month that was before the

whole weekend

yeah he was like that’s just bullshit

huh that’s just garbage so you knew he was

gonna be that huge though how

could you have

predicted that that’s i just had a feeling you just

had all the

arrows were

pointed at him

i didn’t know he was

gonna sell out master

square garden

twice and do a fucking that job

that i you know he’s the

first guy that ever

figured out

how to really connect with people over the internet

you know that guy

still to this day is constantly answering

emails constantly

connecting with people uses that say now

thing gets on that gets on twitter

that’s why this twitter

that’s why this facebook for people to

connect with

these guys that’s why this

is podcast is

a fame i mean we

started out this podcast

brian and i were just sitting in

front of a laptop

with fucking snow falling remember we have

gay visual effects

let’s try snowflakes

okay let’s try rain let’s have a

spinning apple yeah it’s amazing let’s go

black and red

this economy what’s

going on right now

you could do stand up

you know all the time but

you need to

open up different doors for yourself and this is where

this comes in the podcast

well you know

definitely when you know

where the podcast really

comes in it comes in for everybody else it comes in

for all these

other people that don’t have people like us around them

you know it

sounds arrogant but i mean there’s a lot

of people out there that live in shitty neighborhoods

and they have dumb friends and they don’t have nobody

to really connect with

where they feel like

you know these people are also growing

along with them like they’re all growing

together there’s a lot of people that don’t have that

they just don’t

it’s not available

so this podcast

gives them an alternative way to look at

things gives them

a way to see

how all of us in our own lives are overcoming

adversity and dealing with situations and being honest

about ourselves and honest

about our friends and honest

about life and

that inspires an

ethic and that inspires

other people to be like minded

and that’s where it helps it helps everybody it

doesn’t just help like

fill comedy clubs

and you know get people to buy

your book or get people to come see you in rochester

it also helps them

you know this shit all helps everybody

well i’ll tell you what when i really got into

this and when i came on your podcast and as you know

people always ask when i’m

gonna come on your podcast for me bro

i’ve always hated

radio if you’ve noticed on the road i don’t show up the

radio yeah you don’t you don’t like to do it

i don’t want to

hear that shit well it’s awesome i don’t want to hear

about you promoting

i want to hear

about you talking

and that’s what

the podcast avenue has done for all of us

that’s why there’s

people who come here and do well on your podcast

and those people

who come up here want to sell jokes on a date

i don’t want to sell rock

chests i don’t want to sell the

other place

i came up here to open up

about what’s on my mind

today or weekly

i don’t come

here though that’s why i don’t like doing this shit

that’s why i didn’t like we’re doing radio

so tell us why you don’t

like flying and i

gotta go into a joke

like comics unleash go fuck yourself

i wanna be me dog

i wanna talk

about the long shot i owe the flowers gonna be

that’s what this entails

that’s why i hate

radio that’s why i hate

going down there with

these fucking fake emcees that

try to be fun

can you write

down what lead ins when was the last time i came here

and fucking illegal

get the fuck out of my face

come in here and talk

to us from the heart

and that’s what a podcast is and you see it

and your podcast builders

people come up

and they try to force the

funny and the podcast don’t work and you know don’t

force the fucking

funny and on the

other end of it

and the other end of it i get

emails twitter messages and facebook

messages from some really fucking cool people some

interesting people

and you get something out

of it when you connect with them and we’re all getting

something out of it i was in san

diego with moon doggies

and the nicest guy

in san diego art com

he drew a picture of charles bronson for me

wow he sent it

to me in the mail this is fucking beautiful

with him with his hat

and we’ve become

friends like he shows up to the gigs of san diego

we smoked a bon

og last night out of the lot

and it was just

great to connect with somebody

i mean listen there’s good and bad on

piano and whatever is for sure

be cute try to insult you

but deep down inside

especially with the podcast

i’ve always

tried to put myself in this way

so if you don’t like people mugging fucking faggots

don’t listen to me don’t come to my fucking show

this is what i did this who i am now

let’s work it out or go fuck yourself

and a lot of people like the honesty

and they come out

and you know what if you come out i always talk to you

i don’t like smoking dope with everybody because next

thing you know

you’re out of your mind on the way home you

smoke 80 joints you

smoke everybody

but i like meeting people this is part of this

fucking business you know it’s interesting though the

connection between

human beings is

becoming you know it’s

becoming more

and more expansive

you know it’s like you you have

a network of people that you interact with now and you

could just develop a really cool network

and only be around really cool people for the most part

like twitter overwhelmingly

i’ve got like

280 something thousand people on there now

overwhelmingly nice

overwhelmingly it’s very rare

that someone

will say something douchey to me on twitter

when they do you just

block them so you just

click a link link

block it’s like really simple

and then you don’t have to deal with that guy anymore

and then you’re nice to everybody

and they’re nice to you and you try to fucking

you know have a little exchange

every day people are sending me cool shit on twitter

every day some

new fucking

thing on the

earthquake or new you know

video of a tsunami or new

you know crazy

monkey that they

found in liberia

or whatever you know what i mean it’s like

every day there’s

some new fascinating shit it’s a network unlike

any other i’ve

never there’s

never been a time

where you had so much

access to interesting people and information and ideas

never you know we were kids

and we liked the band

there was none of this

we knew it from the

album covers and the

sleeve of an

album yeah when we pay for

their tickets or an interview on television

nobody ever got

this personal and this down and

dirty with people

never know this is this no

and this is why i do

these things this is why i come up here with you guys

i do the podcast

where they’re not fake

that’s why people love you too i don’t want

to be that’s why

fake comedy

guide dog that’s not my bag

i know that shit

grew up here talking

about what’s in my

heart and what’s in

my by the way i was

thinking of you guys

today not in a

sexual way but

this morning i had to take a nap

cause i got home late last

night i went to the

wire this morning i got home late 10

i had taken a nap when i was in

bed i got like erotic

and i wanted to bang one up

so i banged one out but it

was on my bed so i couldn’t come because then my wife

would know that came on my side of the bed

so i’m like what am i

gonna wipe this with so i had a sock on

i wanted to like pigeon

pose and i took the sock off

just cause i always hold the top of the egg roll

me too so it

doesn’t slow me too

yeah he thinks that’s

crazy he never

heard that before one of the pigeon

pose i help you hold the top of the turtleneck so it

doesn’t blow up like a volcano

right and i

just came in for the sock but then it was fucked up

i threw the sock on the

floor and i woke up and i went to put it on

my sock wet

and take a fucking shower

and shit like a

pig the dog

both of you to put on a sock

would come on it don’t sit there and go

yeah so you

pinch it too like at the top and keep it like a little

pool like a kiddie

pool i’m on

second size no

oh you’re uncircumcised yes it looks like a bowl

oh all right let’s not talk

about it just

loads up and i just go

and it’s like you’re spider man

only he didn’t know

he’s been talking

about being uncircumcised right

i try to forget it’s like

spoiler alert nope

spoiler alert disgusting people

have you ever thought about maybe getting it now

yeah yeah yeah that’s what i want to do it

getting my dick cut at fifty

twenty two years

the fuck is wrong with you

brian at this

point who gives a fuck it’s supposed to feel better

when you have the

skin over it fucking feels great if i had a boy bro i

would absolutely not have them cut fuck that

fuck that have you

talked to girls about that

most girls think it’s disgusting well fuck them

tough shit for the

crazy bitches they’re all crazy

bitches you’re better off without them when my dick is

swollen listen they’re not

gonna see my dick when it’s dead

they’re gonna see it in full

effect you just

pull the skin back and all they see is the helmet

anyway can you like tie in a knot or anything like that

right there was a girl that used to

fuck i forget her name but she

used to hang out with one of the girls at the comedy

store and she was she was having a dilemma

because she was dating a guy at

first for the

first time was uncircumcised

and she didn’t like the way it felt in her

mouth what she’s

drinking and she was telling everybody i just

i really like them

but just don’t

it feels like like skin in my mouth

it probably feels like those

like a little rubber

things meant of those

things that you try to hold but you can’t

hold it is like a little rubber

thing filled with

water it’s like a toy and you

never mind no brian

you would have

known what it was so you really

would cut your dick just so girls

would like it like what if you were

uncertain size i

think it’s fucking

just gross looking

i think it’s dirty

i think it’s

how’s it dirty it looks like your dick with a condom on

it wash exactly

if your dick is

cleaner it’s not wash it

the fuck you talking

about there’s more

you have more disease when you have that

no that’s some propaganda to use app

for cause if

that filthy


if you fuck a chicken don’t

watch it it looks like an elephant trunk

cause you know that’s what that song evil boys about

yeah evil boys

about they want

to like there’s a tradition and they come a man

they go and circumcise them with a fucking

rusty knife out in the woods

that’s why i was like

you know my my dicks only for penis my

penis brother is only for girls it’s not for men

you know what’s this

evil boy he


d ant word it’s a

it’s a great fucking song

you know please pull it up pull it up

no i don’t wanna hear that shit

right now let’s do it no

you don’t wanna hear it

it’s good it’s a good goddamn song

but it’s about

the traditions of cutting people’s skins off

their dick it’s

ridiculous it’s

stupid did you

notice like throughout that song there’s a lot of

references to south park

what kyle’s mom’s a big fat bitch

is that what it is that who it is yeah

it’s kyle’s mom kyle’s mom’s a big fat

bitch because that’s what um

part cartman

would say yeah wow

i didn’t even realize that i thought she was talking

about someone she knew

that’s what i thought too

but it’s a south park thing wow

see look at that kids growing up in

south africa getting some south park influence

yeah it’s weird

that is funny though yeah

south park just get the most

reach ever there’s

never been a show

like that before it’s been on for this many years and

still good do you ever watch it

joey it’s for

sure watch it but i’m an

adult that’s

you like family guy

i like family

guy from time to time but i won’t sit there

what the fuck is

wrong with you

you like family guy but you won’t

watch south park

i don’t want

it’s not that i like it it’s that i

watch it if i got ten minutes did you see team america

you didn’t see

team america

bro i wish i

could do that

i wish we could do that

erase movies

through your head so you can rewatch it

again yeah wow

my mom died when i was 14 i

became a man i thought there was no fucking games thug

i didn’t play

i played monopoly

two weeks ago

we’re talking to a guy

smokes pot all

day and plays with his cat listen though he’s talking

about like the navy seal out

there with a knife

in his mouth

crawling through the desert

i’ve never played

games i don’t even know how to play fucking cards okay

i don’t have that time that luxury either

you can play pool i think

maybe because

that’s what

my mom’s bought

and i was dead that’s how i babysat

myself by playing pool but

i’ve never been a cartoon guy like popeye dog

once you’re 18

you know we

grow up eventually and you know you move on it’s cute

but you gotta go out it’s a fucking man’s

world like james

brown said you know what i’m saying doug

it is that’s why i’m

happy about

going to new york in the next four days i’m

gonna hang out with men

for a couple fucking days damn you guys there ain’t no

fucking iphones and i’m

gonna die on the there ain’t no fucking

twitters there ain’t none of that shit i’m

gonna go hang out

with my buddies like we’re up with for a couple days

it’s a different

place over there

you know you really realize that once you’ve

lived here for a few years and you know

after a while

you get comfortable with wherever the fuck you are

but there’s a different

thing over there’s

just as many douchebags over here as over there

but they pretend to be nicer over here

listen bro i got my people that i’ve

known since i was a fucking kid that was in trouble

those are the

still people i hang out with 40 years

later i trust

those people what do you

think it is though

about people over there

where there’s you know everybody always uses the cliche

oh they’re real people on the east

coast are real what the what is that is the weather

the weather make them do that

what is it people are real and fake fucking everywhere

right i got fake

motherfucking friends here

sure and i got

motherfuckers who’ll get

stabbed from me here too and i got the

same back home

right but don’t you

think the height percentage

is higher in new york of real people

cause i do i

think they’re yeah

i think there’s more real people in in the east coast

than they’re

right here i

think there’s a lot of

silly fucks

goofy fucks come out here from the east

coast there’s a lot of that

these are the creative arts

yeah but i mean there’s a lot of real people here too

i’m saying it’s not like a it’s

generalizations like it’s not like it’s

one side is

really people always try to play that card each

coast is real west

coast is quick

now there’s plenty of real people on the west

coast too but i

think the percentage in

manhattan has tons of little cunts in manhattan oh yeah

of course it’s just like this

sunset bullshit

little young kids

drinking water

drinking five hour energy like that this

still dudes living in jersey

i know what you’re saying yeah i don’t want this

still i think long

island i think if you add it all up there’s

still more real oh no no

the suburbs is a

ton of shit

i grew up my buddies i love

my buddies they were there for me when i needed them

the most and they’re

still fucking there you follow me

i’m going home for five days to

smoke some dope

i already flew it over there it’s flown already

they got a ounce of

earthquake and an

ounce of fucking moon rocks

over there and i’m taking the sour diesel with me i got

i got a sativa

now at the fucking nocc

they got a god

a deer side with

diesel that’s so fucking strong dog

so i’m just

going back to

smoke dope are you

worried at all

about all this shit that’s happening

are you worried at all

about all these fucking

people in the middle east they’re trying to overthrow

their government all

these different

countries that are

fighting my

votes fucking

this is where

2012 is is it real the end of the

world is not coming

2012 is this is all this shit’s

gonna go somewhere this radiation is

gonna leak where

these people

gonna fucking go

this is all

about adjustment

what’s our next fucking move now at the 212

we might not be able to drink the

water ever again

there’s something something’s

gotta work you know we

might not what’s

gonna happen there we’re

gonna have to all

drink bottled

water half of the

ocean is contaminated

with the oil yeah you take

a shower japan

you should do you

should just have a room

where you just get a couple

extra bottles like

arrowhead every week

you know and just yeah

maybe you can

do it if there’s

you know if something really bad happens you

gotta get the fuck out of here you know

that’s the reality the reality is

california is massively overpopulated

and everyone is playing

musical chairs

and everyone is hoping that that fucking

music doesn’t stop on

their watch they’re hoping that somehow or another

they’re safely in the

backyard not near any trees when the shit hits the fan

just taking a

guess just hoping well nothing’s happened since 94

yeah but if you look over the course of

human history 94 is a

blink of an eye

if you look over the course of the history of the

world it’s not even that

there’s a lot of shit that’s

going to happen to this place this

was not shaped like this

when you look out the window and you see

those mountains

they weren’t

made with a mold

right that’s the lava and the fucking ground moving and

tectonic plate

shifting and you know

there’s a reason why it’s 12 000 fucking feet

above sea level

that shit rocketed

over the course of who knows how long it changes

and we know that the entire

earth supposedly

had one content that’s the

whole pangea theory

that there was one continent and they split up

because of all

sorts of different events and became africa and

north america

some shit’s happening we just got off

threw off our rotation a little bit from that last

earthquake the fuck’s that

gonna happen japan

moved eight feet

yeah the shore

moved eight feet

dude there’s a

there’s a divide somewhere out

there they said that’s 270

miles long and 50 miles wide

where the actual epicenter

of the earthquake was

what happened was beyond our


and yet still nothing

in comparison to shit that’s happened before

they still don’t know what the fuck stopped the ice

age of the ice

age was just 10 000 years ago

which is nothing

10 000 years ago

most of north america was

under a mile high

sheet of ice

wrap your fucking head around that canada ice

all the fucking

north dakota

south that shit was a mile high of ice

woolly mammoths were running around

saber to tigers and shit

it was a totally different world

just 10 000 years ago

what that ain’t global warming because of humans

you know what

caused that

would cause that

radical change

in the atmosphere they don’t know what if

it just keeps on getting hotter and hotter and it turns

into a sun and like the sun was like the last earth

that stupid thing

they know more than that

you know he just

this is like shit that you

would say when you were

fourteen before you even went to any science classes

what if the

earth becomes like a person what is hey

stop polluting my

water man it

doesn’t take a fucking

genius to tell you that the

earth the next one

is either here

or seattle oregon

yeah fucking

genius and tell you that yeah you know

this whole this

whole west coast

all we could do is pray for vancouver

it could be

you bitches

with iphones you better make sure that shit hooks up

let’s see if you got an app for your fucking

earthquake whoa

they do have

that they do have

great apps for

quick apps yeah

tell you where the

earthquakes are

great maps it has notifications notifications

that’s gonna be here

like ten minutes before

call me cause that’s

the fucking app i need well you just need to get a dog

you just need to get a dog and

sit really close to

the fucking

trench yeah

ultimately what can we do though

what can we do do we escape

do we live like

survivalists and move to the fucking mojave

and you know buy

space in one of

those underground bunkers that you can

you know you want

to get probably go to the middle of the country like

texas how do we know

texas austin

texas well what if that’s

where the fucking asteroid hits

yeah well one

thing about

texas is you know they’re

gonna go down

swinging yeah yeah

and it’s most protected by land

that the mexicans

were going down

well i like

texas and i like austin i

would totally be down with

texas and they just do something

about their fucking weed laws

their weed laws are so ridiculous

no you get weed you don’t

trust me you don’t get the same weed

i have friends in our

days you do

no you don’t you can’t get sativas bro not the

shoe why couldn’t they

grow the way we

got i don’t

think people

grow sativas

it ain’t easy bro

it ain’t easy and it’s not the same yield

the reason why people grow sativas is because there’s a

bunch of people here that are connoisseurs

and that’s what they want

and the people that are growing it want it

but the people that are just looking to make

money it takes

more time to grow sativas

than it does into goods

and they have to be

grown indoors you

can’t grow them outdoors here

yeah i know but there’s weed

snobs in texas i’m sure there are

dude but it ain’t that

easy to find

can i get up at 7

30 in the morning hey

and go buy a bag of dope with

an attorney and a construction worker and eat a bagel

that’s the question hey

you know what as long as nobody else

does this i’m

gonna weigh this just buy more weed

no i’m gonna weigh

that no you’re

wrong brian because you

gotta deal with drug dealers you

gotta deal with people that are willing to go to jail

because they’re selling weed

and that’s the

reality of the situation ninety nine percent but

that’s what we’re doing

last night yeah

it’s okay i

never had a

problem that worked

yeah but it ain’t as good as what we got now you know

tech if you want to live in

texas you can live in

texas yeah i

think it’s fine

i mean you know yeah you

could figure out a way to get

that’s about

where the fuck i

lived and control weed i’m talking

yeah you know you do you hire some kid who’s like

a fucking buy a big

house and grow

a couple plants

bro you hire some

kid who’s like a pa on a set

listen buddy you

wanna make a

quick thousand bucks

and you give him 5 000

with a weed you

take him to his body and you put him on a greyhound bus

i used to i mean i used to grow in my

closet in ohio you know and it fucking was

great it was awesome weed

i’ve always

been awesome seeds i’ve always been a real

motherfucking head

this is day one guys

so the people

i ran with were real heads and we attract each

other when i live in colorado

that’s some of the wildest fucking

weed i got in aspen and that high altitude in boulder

but the people i ran with were heads

people who understand that concept

yeah like minded

people will find like when i find people i

could tell when

somebody’s a professional i can tell a fucking amateur

and when you run

into a fucking professional pot smoker

just a look is as good as a wink to a blind or

they just give you that look

a real we got

a pull you over like i did with that dude

i didn’t know this


i didn’t know but that’s a nigger that i fucking am

i said to him you look hot you look like this man

looked at me like i was a fucking

genie he’s like

how’d you know i left it on the dresser

right there i went in my pot game a butter we

a professional you mean

i would say

did you take this out of your balls oh my god

he’s a professional whoa

come on i’m

gonna put this in

a fuck about you

that’s the truth

you’d say i can’t believe

it came out of your book no

a professional pot smoker

oh look at that butt in ohio and go

you’re a bad

motherfucker dog

thank you wow

we don’t think

i got news for you joey i don’t

think i’m a professional platformer

this is 30 years though

this is crazy

i got news for you if you

pull the butt out of your balls i’ve been like no you

be home in five

hours you smoke weed

before that was in my nuts

so have you

big fucking deal

that’s a professional dog

i don’t play that

stupid nonsense

shit could you imagine joey

coming up tonight

could you really though

imagine joey coming up to you and go hey guys i got

some weed in my balls do you want it i don’t say that

when you’re in a fucking airport and your way i

go outside and get some

air you’re a professional you left your weed at home

maybe can you

wait for fucking three

hours and all sudden

trust me bro

a professional weed

there’s a lot of people

never let you

leave their

house without weed

there’s things professionals do dog that they know

you call a professional

two in the morning go

i can’t sleep

they’ll say come over here and get high with you

they will not not answer the fucking

phone professionals are different

do you take days off

yeah every once in a while like

sundays or a saturday i’ll take it off take the

whole day off

how do you feel when you sober

like a fucking

moron like a fucking idiot i

can’t focus

i’m walking around confused no i

gotta be honest

it’s kind of nice to take a couple days off yeah

it’s kind of nice i take many days off in a row

but i still like getting high at

night like sometimes at

night just to sizzle

it you know when i don’t take off when i’m writing

i don’t write

i write high

you gotta write high

i write high

every time i get goofy

well i don’t

i do write high i mean i do

write sober sometimes

especially when i wake

up in the morning a lot of times i do revisions and

things and i like to review it

from a bunch of different

states but when i

write highland it’s like

there’s a symphony

playing in my mind

you know it’s like there’s

music and music comes through

these words and there’s like lights

and fucking there’s dancing

going on in

my head when i’m high there’s a lot of shit happening

when i’m sober i’m like

slowly piecing it together

it’s like the difference between typing

with your fingers when you don’t know how to type

when you’re just

using your index finger and you go on t h it’s n

when you can type when you don’t even have to look

you know like

right now i can type

i don’t have to look at the keys i know how to type

especially if i get

loose and i get relaxed

it’s that much of a difference

it’s like it flows it’s like

it connects you to

whatever the

fuck it is whatever it is that makes you creative

it connects you to it better

when i write when i write

i like to be

stoned when i

write the one

man show i like to be a little on the straight side

really are you

still writing you know

you did that a

bunch of times no no this

is complete this is real deal this is from the time

i came from

cuba to me finding this is a new one that you doing

i’m doing the workshop april 20

where at where

i’m doing in

north hollywood and i got a producer to

put some money up and do it like in hollywood nice i’m

gonna really rock the house man

april 20th huh yeah it’s a

thursday night

and where’s it at

again say it’s it’s

i’m gonna do that this theater in lancashire

just for 40 people you know just to

get the writing down

and have people make notes and say joey i like this

but i didn’t like this you know

april 20th is that what you said it’s a

thursday night i think

it’s a wednesday

it’s a wednesday

night no it’s a

21st 21st yeah

thursday night yeah

okay well i’m

gonna go then that you know it’s really weird when

and that’s what

i do when i’m having a hard time writing comedy i

write the one man show and i get myself in a different

state like it says

the one man show is a little sadder

it’s about my you know i’m saying it’s

about what was

going up as a kid

so you try to find the

humor in it and

sometimes it’s pretty fucking cool

dude there’s another

quake that just hit chili

there you go bitches what

number santiago

and santiago

chili what number

i don’t know

i don’t know

and i got it

yesterday that said that

some guy predicted

from some weather

thing that it was

gonna either be on the 16th

or the 17th is

gonna be another

earthquake so he was money

he was fucking

money said another

earthquake was

definitely gonna happen on the 16th

today’s the

motherfucking 16th

this fucking this thing in

japan with this nuclear reactor is freaking me out

you know and here’s what’s freaking me out

they didn’t know what to do if the

power went off they had like

eight hours of backup and then

it starts a meltdown

because they can’t cool the rods

so they’re pumping

ocean water onto the rods to try to cool them off

i can’t believe that

this is how they design these things

you’re living in a place where

earthquakes happen all the time

now if an earthquake happens and the

power goes out and something goes wrong

you can’t you don’t have a way to cool this fucking

thing isn’t the ocean water work though

no not really i mean it’s doing okay

it’s keeping it from

fucking exploding and blowing a hole through the

earth right

what they’re doing right now is real dangerous because

all this shit is gonna get into the

atmosphere all this radiation they can’t really contain

right i mean

unless they’re gonna figure out a way to

drop some sort of a gigantic dome over the

whole area and seal it off

you know a giant led dome

how the fuck are they

gonna stop this radiation from getting out into the

atmosphere what’s the worst

thing that what’s the

worst case scenario you’re looking

i don’t know they’re talking about this

see they tried to downplay

it at first saying that it’s

gonna be fine

but now there’s on cnn there’s a new

official report

this guy says that

spent fuel rods are exposed and it heightens concerns

so spent fuel rods in unifor

of japan’s stricken

fukushima diege

nuclear power

plant have been

exposed resulting in the emission of extremely high

levels of radiation

the head of the new york

the nuclear

regulatory commission

said on wednesday this is fucking dangerous shit man

and what’s scary is we have

these things all over the

place there’s like

150 of these in this country

maybe it will

morph like get into the human

i don’t know like

do you see the map

of the radiation like it’s gonna hit

california i don’t know if that’s legit is that

legit i don’t know it’s not

gonna hit california

well how do you know way the same is that

not for real really i don’t know i don’t know what

i don’t know how it carries

what now what direction is like you know it’s sad

about japan that they have that

that place called okinawa

where it’s beautiful and it’s the

place in the

earth where

the people live the longest

well until like they’re a hundred and something

that’s where that

coral calcium

fad came from

right i don’t

think if they don’t

know if it’s the fish don’t know if it’s the island

you know and

it just kills me that that’s the end of that fucking

party because

that’s it that’s all

gonna be contaminated

right the radiations

gonna make yeah what is

gonna happen

i mean that’s the

crazy thing

about nuclear powers like

yeah it works great

you know and

it’s better than coal because coal totally fucks up the

atmosphere and creates

greenhouse gases and all that shit

but man when

nuclear goes bad it fucking really goes bad

i mean this is

the idea behind it is so crazy

you know with

nuclear powers i mean you’re harnessing like the very

power that like

the very thing that makes suns

the very power of the suns is

it’s all atomic

you know it’s like

you’re dealing

with shit that we don’t totally have control over yet

we have control over for periods of time

but the bottom line

about nuclear power is

no matter what you do

you got nuclear

waste and you got nuclear

waste that’s

gonna be around forever

and you gotta figure out a

place to put it

you know i mean that’s like what they do in nevada like

there’s always like

disputes and debates about

where to put this shit

that’s one of

the reasons why nevada got gambling why nevada was

allowed to have casinos

they let them blow bombs off in the fucking desert

shit let’s move

here’s the thing man move to where

when you get a

bunch of million people like we have in la

20 million people

well fuck man how are you gonna

power everything

you got a lot of refrigerators

going on man you got a lot of

gas machines pumping gas

you got a lot of

trucks that have

to drop off that gas you got a lot of shit happening

man imagine people

start leaving here if something bad does happen

the 170 the 4 oh my god

oh my god it’s impossible

bro we would all have to just walk

out of here

it would take days

of bumper to bumper traffic

to clear out la

days and days and days

no gas work

no one would be able to go far we’d all get

stuck in the desert and

cars would be broken down people

would be screaming

your car let me hear your car

maybe some zombie shit bro yeah it

would be some zombie

shit some road

warrior shit thank

god it’s really possible man it’s really possible

our society is incredibly fragile

and we’re starting to see it it’s like

this seems like a weird

thing that’s happening because like

every day things just

keep getting

weirder and weirder

it really does seem like we’re in a movie now

like this charlie sheen

thing happens and

even the kim kardashian

thing it’s all seems so surreal

and then as all this is going on

earthquake in chile

earthquake in new zealand

floods in australia and it’s just

constantly happening a million people

dying with the fish divers

where’s this piss test that that’s been pissed

nobody could find

diego silver

that earthquake and

chili’s only a five

point three that’s

an earthquake it’s still


every day i’m map free

somewhere along

five point three ain’t nothing

i’m scared so

joey diaz is

gonna be in new york this weekend for no

but we’re saying there’s a big difference

tell them what you were saying the

other day about northridge

that the 54 what’s the difference

between 54 every

point is 100

stronger than the preceding

point so 51 is

100 percent

stronger than a 50

that is crazy

crazy now the

crazy one is the one in alaska

apparently that happened in the 60s i

think it was i

think it was 65

it was a 92

so a 91 100

stronger than the one in japan

and it’s 100

stronger than that wow

god damn son

let me ask you something 9

2 for four fucking minutes that shit rocked no

thank you apparently

you could feel it in san francisco

that’s crazy

if right now

would have to happen in

japan if you were at home tonight

right and a five

point through your

earthquake you

think it’s the end

just when you

think starts yeah

i just drop

like fucking

i just get to my hands and knees and say impressed

oh i get the fuck out of my

house yes because i run right off

those people

chilly what they were

thinking five

point this is the beginning of the end

again they just got hit a year and a half ago not even

again and you know guys the

reality is that this is not the big concern this is one

small minor

thing that you can

avoid by not living on a fault line

the real concern is

super volcanoes and asteroids

those are the real concerns

cause there’s

hundreds of thousands of rocks out there in

space that can fuck up

everything yeah

and they’re flying around

and every now and then they collide with one another

and one of them gets hurled towards earth

and it slams

in and that’s a wrap that’s a wrap for this life

that’s a wrap for this

generation that’s a wrap for this developmental

cycle of biological matter

it’s all gonna have to regroup you have

nothing but rats

you know rats will survive a few mice and rats are

gonna be picking off

decaying flesh and

surviving on cannibalism

until they slowly

evolve over billions and billions of years

and that’s why you

wanna live in new york

or washington dc or la because the asteroid

if that really hit one of those

places that

would be too cheesy you know

i wouldn’t hit la because it’s too

cheesy because that’s what you expect

you would expect it to do that so what

even one even one

like the one in nevada where you can go

visit that crater

you know that

crater was you know that wasn’t that long ago

it was you know i

think it was like 100 000 years ago or 80 000 years ago

when that fucking

thing hit man it probably killed

everything within

miles and miles

you know it’s a half a mile

long the crater i think

or a mile maybe

whatever the fuck it is i mean

that thing must

have killed so many fucking people or so many

things whatever was near it

and when you think

about something like that landing

right in the middle of la like

right in the middle of downtown

that’s crazy fuck

just a half a mile wide

crater right

where downtown la used to be nothing’s there

boom just a bowl a bowl and

everything out from we’re all dead we’re dead

right out here for sure we’re dead

thirty miles away whatever it is

hundreds of

miles away you’re probably dead

people on pasadena dead

people out in pittsville dead dead

dead you’re dead you’re too far away

you know i mean you can’t get too far away i mean

probably in san francisco people be dead four hundred

miles probably dead

you know you

eat and this happens all the time

it happens all the time you know what the saddest

thing was yesterday my wife said to me

joe something ever happened

it would take me

three hours to walk home

from work wow

fourteen miles it’s true

take you forever

just for her to say that to me i was like

she got to think

about shit like that are you

thinking try to

bring a pair of

right in the problem is

three hours if she gets off work at six

then you’re dealing with creepy shit at night

you know you’re walking home at

night and who knows what the fuck is happening by

the time these

three hours are up or

total chaos is set

i asked what

would you do

would you walk on and she goes i

would just stay

right on the fucking highway

right on the 101 or something i don’t know

these concerns didn’t even

enter into people’s heads just

weeks ago so just this fucking

earthquake just weeks ago

weeks ago people

were like immune to it all

you know now it’s like slowly letting us know

it’s on its way stupid

yeah i was in i was in

whatever the

magic club the

other you know

wherever comes in

yeah and hermosa beach

just going to hermosa was kind of

weird because

i just got done

watching all this

japan shit and then

being by the

ocean just kind of like

that’s the stuff people died in

california bro

people died in the tsunami

they get sucked into the water

there was a

photographer that was taking

pictures in

front of a crowd of people

and just got sucked

in northern

california sucked

right off the

beach man wow it fucked up and

they were all

screaming for him

this guy’s just

drowned see

they pull it out you know i mean

when that tide comes in you know i mean

you just see some of

those waves

it’s incredible they did a lot of damage in

marina del rey

really a lot of damage in docks yeah

i mean the tide went really high and it’s

especially in

northern california

apparently that’s

where it really hit

but this poor fuck was taking

pictures in

front of a bunch of people now

last week supposedly before the

earthquake a

bunch of fish were dead

yeah redondo

i read something to still

stinks over there man yeah it

still stinks they said that made

him also stunk man

hamosa stuff really yeah so

fish apocalypse man

like worms smell like

yeah like really old dead ship because

there was a million dead fish do you

think it had something to do with you

i don’t know what the fuck it had to do with

well they said

that they died because of the lack of oxygen

and then they said

that there’s some sort of a toxin in the water

so they were poisoned by something

so they don’t know exactly they

haven’t get

the full results of what happened but what’s really

spooky is the same

thing is happening in mexico

in acapulco there’s

photos of all

these fish that are on the surface of the

water it’s the same type of fish

it’s all sardines and some mackerel

and there’s

millions of

them and they’re on the surface of the fucking

water and they can’t figure out why

so people are driving up in boats and they’re

scooping up

these fish in buckets and the fish can’t go anywhere

they literally

stuck to the surface of the water

like they don’t

know what they’re trying to do if there’s no oxygen

they’re trying to

snap at the air

to get oxygen into

their body somehow

no one knows exactly why they’re at the surface of the

water it’s a

total mystery

but people are just

scooping them up in buckets so this is

basically sort of similar to what happened in redondo

something is happening to

giant schools of fish and they don’t know why

and they’re

thinking that

in the redondo like i said they

think it’s some sort

of a poison but they don’t have any idea why or what or

probably some kind of

weird terrorist acting

could you imagine it was some

crazy christian


one of these may 21st assholes absolutely

i’ll poison the

water just to get

their attention it’s probably some retard

i’ll show them the lord is

very mysterious

crazy assholes

these billboards

all over town are so nuts have you seen these joey

that god is coming may 21st

you mother why may

21st i can’t figure out why may

21st who knows

the idea behind it is so ridiculous

the idea behind it

first of all

that you could predict the fucking day you know

come on and

the day is in what is it in the

bible is that

where you get this day from i’ve

never heard that before

and not only that even if it was in the bible the

bible is just a

translation of ancient hebrew

which nobody really totally


ancient hebrew to this day they don’t

know all the words and the letters double as numbers

you know like

there’s no numbers

in hebrew so the letter a is also the number one

so when you

translate that shit to

latin and you

translate it to

greek and then to

english who knows what the fuck it really said in the

first part you’re not

gonna get may 21st

out of it dude

you know and even if it did

you really think they were

right i mean

you really believe it all is it

no is it a religious

thing at all or is it

people saw a vision

i don’t mean it just

could be a crack pot but this

motherfucker’s buying billboards everywhere

you know he’s buying billboards

everywhere he’s got financing

yeah how’s he get this money

there’s a lot of

money in retards

retards are

everywhere and they want to believe i mean look

we’re friends with alex

alex jones is a nice guy i like alex a lot

but there’s a lot of people that follow alex

that might as well be following this guy

you know what i’m saying

they just picked something to get obsessed with

whether it’s the mayan

calendar in 2012

or it’s fucking

the jesus apocalypse or whether it’s ufos

it’s all the same

mentality that get

these motherfuckers obsessed with

these things but what got you off the

mayan calendar

well it was

never on it

i’m not attached or

married i try not to be at

least to almost

everything that i think

everything that i believe

about everything

i’m open to reinterpretation at all times

and the thing

about the mayan

calendar is

i think what the

mayans did and i got this mostly from

going to chichen itza

and talking to this guy who was a professor

who was our

guide who was

really an interesting guy and

we talked this guy for

hours he gave us a tour for like five

hours and he was like

yeah and he

loved the fact that i knew so much

about the mayan

civilization so

he was an individual guy like you hire him

you know for the tour

so he was like really into it because the guy

loved the culture man he was really obsessed with it

and obsessed with the fact that there’s this

incredible society that

basically just

vanished i mean

these guys created some incredible works

of architecture

these incredible

designs incredibly intricate calendars and really these

psychedelic languages of images and shit like that

the way they

form sentences and thought it was very fascinating

stuff and then on top of that there was all this

evidence of a massive deterioration of

their society like

human sacrifice

and that kind of shit like what

caused all this man

fucking fascinating

thing but i

never believed that they had it

wired that they knew that december 21st

2012 the end of the

cycle they don’t even

think that it’s the end of the world

no one in the

mayan calendars

would say the

world ends december 21st

what it is is the end of the long

count and it’s just another sequence of events

it ushers in a new

cycle what that means who knows it could be

a new consciousness it could be

an astrological

or an astronomical

cycle where

something in the cosmos

aligns in a different way

i mean we know

when the moon

is closer to us or the moon is further away it

reacts it changes the tides it does things

you know if there’s some other

astronomical body that

a cosmic body that when it lines

up with us its gravity affects us in a certain way

and it changes some certain

things about

people or ushers

in some new

understanding or new appreciation or

some new sort of a natural disaster

that makes us sort of rethink the way we communicate

whether it’s with cell towers

or whether it’s with

satellites you know

these satellites get

burnt down so we have to figure out a way to reinvent

the whole idea

of mass communication that’s all possible that could be

the reasons why

these things

why watts thought of that a new

age is coming

and that the

mayans predicted it because they predicted there

would be a new

atmosphere on

earth there

would be maybe it’s

as simple as

the polar ice cap

shift and it

causes all sorts of fucking havoc and chaos

it could be

solar storms

it could easily be that man there’s a lot of predicted

solar storms activity in 2012

they think they could get


levels of gamma

bursts and they’ve had

those before

solar storms like way way in the past

where we didn’t have all these

satellites and shit

i believe it was

a fucking i

think it was the 1950s i

think it was

where there was

a giant solar

storm like one

of the highest ones ever measured

and they were saying that if that

solar storm happened to us

today i mean

literally would

knock out communication

we would be fucked

we would probably

still have the internet in a lot of areas

but a lot of our

power grid would be fucked

a lot of our

satellites would be fucked

solar storms are really unpredictable

and when they happen man

really big ones

really big ones

could toast this

whole society

maybe that’s what happens in

2012 and maybe nothing happens

maybe nothing will happen

that’s all fucking

bullshit i mean the math they even said that the math

might even be

wrong it might

be 60 days off you know who cares so what do you

think about new york next week

we’re gonna have a good time bro we’re

gonna be there in new york city

and then we’re

gonna be in new jersey

for the fucking

championship of the world

johnny bones jones

fights mauricio

shogun hua this is

the opportunity bro

yeah i’m staying in the city

i’m staying in the city i’m going out there

yeah the last time i stayed in newark i got

tired of hearing sirens

while throughout the middle of the night

all night there were sirens and i was like okay

i don’t need to stay here

i’ll just drive here the next day

so that’s my new car

fuck yeah jiraiya

favored that motherfuckers

definitely justin bieber

what are you talking

about he looks just like justin bieber jiraiya favor

they’re the same fucking person i

think he sings the taps on

motherfuckers once every other week there

that’s a great fight there’s a crump of great

fights on this country uriah

favors a fascinating

dude i really like talking to him man

i did an interview with him

and one of the

things he talked

about is very interesting he’s a very inspirational guy

he’s like one of

those dudes

that gets up in the morning and he has like a list of

things and he has written on the wall

these are my goals i’m

gonna be world

champion by the end of

2011 i’m gonna

meet the girl of my

dreams have you know

three kids and

like he has all this shit like on his wall

like he’s like the

secret yeah

he’s big into

setting goals and working hard and accomplishing things

like he’s got a gang of different

things going on at once

he owns like

three different

houses and all the

fighters live in

these houses

they have on a

block they all live together

and they get

together and cook healthy meals and hang out together

can you imagine accidentally robbing that place

yeah and talking shit because the guy who

meets you at the door is only five foot four

next thing you

know you’re flying through the air and landing on your

fucking head yeah

this is an awesome card man

john jones versus

shogun hua is

some fascinating shit man because

shogun is the old assassin

and shogun used to be john

jones he was the

23 year old guy when he won the middleweight grand prix

shogun was this

young guy that was fucking everybody up you know

but he had a lot more competition

he did a lot of struggles you know he had

hogerio nogueira

that was a struggle you know he had some tough

fights he fought

you know if he had some

some real good

competition over there he had some battles you know

and he also

had some fucking destructing wins too man show

gonna go out and fuck people up like when

rampage was injured

when they fought rampage came into the

fight with a hurt rib

i shouldn’t have

never took the

fight in the

first place but i

guess he just needed the money

and shogun just fucking took it to him man

shogun is a fucking killer

everybody doesn’t

have allister

over me yeah

shogun’s a killer man

he’s a killer

and he’s been around a long time and he’s not

gonna get rattled

and you know and i’m not saying that john

jones is cause i

think john jones is the fucking

truth i think he’s the real deal dude

and i think he’s a

super athlete i

think there’s certain dudes that just can do things

that you can’t do

you know and physically

you know and when you combine it with intelligence

which he has

and work ethic

which he has

all the doing all the

right things

treating people the

right way good karma

i mean yeah he says something

sometimes and i’m sure he’ll regret but he’s 20 fucking

three years old you know

it’s hard to not be confident

fear of a black planet we

discussed this already

you said this you know a long time ago they made these

super slaves

they thought they were

gonna get the banks back out of your buck

super slave league is called the end

motherfucking fl

now they’re taking

everything from us

because in two years you won’t even

they’ll be take look at filled mr

davis i didn’t know he was fighting

antonio no guerra

mr wonderful yeah he’s

fighting oh yeah that’s

they’re both antonio

antonio hogerio

and antonio

rodrigo minotaro

minotaro the

heavyweight guy is

hoodrigo excuse me

yeah who was he

trying to go

hoggerio is the

light heavyweight guy so he’s

fighting the

light heavyweight guy okay so

he’s still a bad

motherfucker that guy submitted

dan henderson you know

he beat over him i believe i’m pretty sure

and him and him and

shogun had a fucking war they had a killer war in pride

yeah man he’s a bad

motherfucker he’s got real good hands too hogerio does

that’s a great fight

but john jones man

what i said

about john jones i always say this is that when he

throws people around it

doesn’t look like

like a normal person doing it

you know what i mean like when you

watch a normal

strong dude that just

horse somebody around like matt hamill

when matt hamill

horses somebody around

he looks like

here’s his big ass

tough strong

motherfucker and he’s

gonna grab a hold of you and he’s

gonna slam you on your ass

and it just

looks like it’s supposed to be happening that way

when john jones does it

it looks like some fucking insect

some insect that can just pick up a log

you know there’s something

about how easy he does it

it just doesn’t look right

it doesn’t look fair

you know i’m saying like

you watch like a beetle move

or an ant move like

something like

ants can pick up

some big ass shit and move it around like it’s nothing

it doesn’t even

shift their balance

that’s what it looks like with john

jones he’s just like

he’s got arachnid

power or something he’s fucking spider man

he launches dudes

you know like when he gets that double over hooks and

throws guys through the air

who the fuck is doing that

who the fuck is

doing that he

caught a kick

you know how some people

catch your kick yeah

caught it and spun around with an elbow how

about stefan

bonner yeah

really that’s really he also tossed

stefan bonner over the fucking over his heels over

his head over his heels his heels were up in the air

who the fuck does that to

steph and bonham

stephen bar has

been around forever forever because you show you how

tough steph and bonner is by the way look

john jones stops everybody didn’t stop stephen bonner

you know he gave him a beating but bonner is

that guy’s an assassin

he’s tough as shit

this is an interesting

fight man very interesting we show

up mark wah

so guns a killer bro

you know i wish miller had a full

training camp

you know it’s a

tough fight

nate marquard’s a beast

you know and miller’s

tough as fuck and

those miller boys man they’ll take a

fight you can call them 20 minutes before the

fight starts and they’ll

change the shoes

that was that miller

training for a

fight yeah well he’s always

training those guys are real

real conscientious you know i like miller

and they know that you always have to be ready

as anything can happen i like jim

miller i don’t know he’s

great mark was a

great practice

fighter and he’s

great with these guys but i don’t know now this

motherfuckers got this is dan

this is dan got

going to new jersey bitch

yeah gotta go into jersey it’s like that

it’s like the cowboys

going up to

forty nine or villain eighty

one what do you think

about croakop

fighting still does that

freak you out

these uh he’s

fighting brendan job

the kid who lost to

big country in the

ultimate fighter

i think that brendan

shrop is improving it’s a bad

motherfucker good fight

and i think i

think that croak

up and just trying to finish up his contract

you think so

but why i mean when the guy keeps getting

knocked out like that i mean

i wonder one i wonder if he needs

money do you

think he needs

money or do you

think it’s like an ego

thing he’s not willing to

you know i don’t know

man i mean this is his last fight

i hoped you

i don’t know i

was hoping that he was

gonna walk away

after the padberry

fight that was a good

fight you got a nice victory

you know but then he

fights frank meer and gets

knocked out

and it just

doesn’t look

right you know

you know like seeing

a hero i hope the fucking guy

could pull it back together look look

people don’t know that alstar

ovary was stopped like nine times

he got he got beat up by

bobby hoffman

he got stopped by

i think he got

no verdoom finished them for doom submitted him

a bunch of guys

have stopped him though including being stopped in k1

and being stopped in kickboxing

chuck liddell stopped him

guys guys beat him oh

sir j kara tanov

knocked him out

he stopped him

so you look at all

those guys that beat alistair

and now alistair

is a fucking destroyer

like he bounced back fully

what he did is he

started lifting weights and doing

crazy power lifting and shit

he got a lot

stronger got

super dedicated really

dedicated his

whole life and

100 to training

and now he’s like

one of the most dangerous and

scary guys on the planet the

fight june 18th

so you can’t say krokov

is done you

never say he’s done

but man it hurts me to

watch him lose

you know it hurts me to

watch him be a

shadow of who

i was so excited

about him coming over to the

ufc because i thought

about the crow cop that fought

nogueira in

pride i thought

about the crow cop that fought

you know over

it’s phaidor’s brother alexander

elmiel and echo

he fucked that dude up i kicked him

igor he fucked him of of chanchin

i kicked him koed him

he was just jacking everybody back then dude

his stand up was fucking nasty

but by the time he came over to the

ufc man it wasn’t

quite the same

you know it didn’t

quite have the

motivation that he

had back there was something something was missing you

know it’s almost like he achieved so much

over there that it was like he went on a mad sprint

here’s a good fucking

fight on this card man

jim miller and kamal

shalarus oh yeah

that’s a good fucking

fight jim miller is a beast dude

especially after he

submitted that kid charlie

fucking what is his name

oliveira charles

oliveira that that really good

jiu jitsu kid with the good muay thai

the small kid but miller

grabbed a hold of them got him in a fucking

nasty leg lock quick

really surprised that kid when he tapped them

you know and miller’s tapped dwayne ludwig

off his back he’s a fucking kid and he

dropped ludwig too before that

which is you know ludwig is a sick kickboxer

this kamala shalarus dude is a bad

motherfucker too

really tough

strong dude

this iranian i believe he’s iranian

and he’s a wrestler he’s got a

wrestling base but like a

powerful puncher he comes forward

so that’s a good fucking

scrap right there man

ricardo on may the

fuck yeah that’s

gonna be real good to man

you know mike piles really fucking

turn it around mike piles

tricky as fuck dude

he’s tricky

and he’s got a real good guard dude

and we got to be careful

about that guy when he’s on his back man

and kurt belegrino

and glace and

tebow there’s a lot of good

fights in this car

yeah there’s

over 150s a lot of fucking good

fights in this car

some slug fast man so it’s

gonna be great man

yeah and what the fuck is that dude’s name barboza

he’s fighting too

edson barboza

that kid’s a fucking beast

that kid’s a

beast man he’s

fighting anthony

and giovanni

anthony and giovanni’s a badass

striker from the wec one of those guys

lost a couple

fights but still is

fucking real dangerous kid

but this barbosa is a fucking assassin

he’s a badass

striker dude a badass

striker the

fight’s done at what time

well i think

the pay per view card is

gonna be an hour

early this week

so in the east

coast if it used to be on at 9 o’clock it’s now

gonna be on at

8 o’clock it’s gonna

start a day or it’s gonna

start an hour

early it’s gonna start

instead of nine it’s gonna

start it instead of ten it’s

gonna start at nine

so that’s me

six here okay

yeah six here

so so that’s the deal i get off the

plane at 4 45

i go to my hotel take a shower

and i could

shoot right back out to

shazam we’re

gonna have some fucking fun

next weekend

i am in portland

no where am i

seattle seattle

at the more theater

yeah and there’s

still a few tickets left but not much

so that is that’s on friday it’ll

probably sell out that day so if you want in don’t

snooze bitches

and then following week

joey will be with me at helium in portland

joey can go to portland oregon

if oregon is

still there

will be there too

which is a scary

scary fucking


so we’ll see you there at the end of the month

and joey this weekend or this

tuesday we’ll be at i’ve been around in new york city

and then thursday through saturday

at the comedy club in webster

motherfucking new york come on down buffalo

syracuse rochester

and i’ll see

you fucking animals in new york city at nine o’clock

ready to rock and this is on what street

147 bleecker street

147 bleecker

street okay

so that is tuesday tuesday the

22nd and then you’re

gonna be in rochester that weekend yeah

and the following week i’m with you in portland oregon

bam bitches that’s it and we’ll see you guys

next tuesday

we’ll have another podcast i don’t know who’s

gonna be on it because

we’re unorganized

as fuck and that’s how we roll

please follow red band

cause he’s very

very upset that he

doesn’t have very many followers on twitter

listen to the new new podcast with jaden

jaden cole is awesome

your new podcast

that we’re saying you telling to me or the people

at home me too i don’t have time

yeah for every time on the airplane listen

to your goddamn podcast listen to this girl you’ll

go with her

okay you’ll find that i probably won’t

bet i bet i won’t

and i love you red band i love you tonight tonight

sounds comedy club yeah

sounds kind

of sold out

you coming in tonight no

i’m leaving for

anaheim come on dog i can

never come on dog

maybe on the way back on the way back dog come on go on

after me man

yeah please

we gotta we got a goddamn

party at that place

thank you to the flashlight

if you go to

thank you to

flashlight if you go to joebrogan net and

click the link for the flashlight

put in the code name

rogan and you get 15 off

red band is on twitter

red bam and joey

diaz is mad

flavor one word mad flavor

love you bitches with a facebook

check yourself before you

wreck yourself

make kissing

ass is bad for your health

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