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buckle up bitches
joe diaz the joe hogan experience
with a backup generator in hand
joe diaz returns what’s up baby what’s up brother
last time joey diaz was here the fucking
power went out man
that’s ridiculous
that was ridiculous because by the time the
power came back on
he was so high and
he hadn’t talked for like 20 minutes and he was
basically asleep
it was such an organic
podcast because shit happened we just kept going
we just fucking
yeah i’m getting
moved on yeah we
started an audio podcast what
was all going on red band what’s happening
how you doing
let’s go what the fuck get
on the mic though i am i’m trying to just you little
keith richards head to tell you look at you looking
sharper than a
motherfucker yeah
you know i’ve been noticing i wear hats
way too much
and it’s not like i’m wearing hats to
cover up baldness or anything like that
i just fucking hate
fucking with my hair
i hate it i hate
i like being able to hide if i want to he’s just trying
right now he’s trying
to make up for the fact that he’s trying to look sexy
i’m not trying
to look sexy
this is kind of looking sexy i’m not
looking look at this
picture joey
this is the shirt
this is a shirt we’re
gonna be offering on higher
primate com
it is a joey diaz
shirt by popular demand
and the shirt says
joey diaz says if
you ain’t high by two in the afternoon go fuck yourself
which is true
it still continues
and that will be our number one selling
shirt for sure
all those other
monkey buddha
marijuana those are fine
but this is
gonna take it to the next level
you gotta get the word out i like it
this is jump
brian i lost my my
sound my ear whatever you were just doing
all right okay
whatever you
just did you just adjusted something and just
lowered something
right there that’s it that’s it
it just turns it off like that
like off and on yeah oh that’s something’s not
right then that’s
weird i barely touched it oh
well there’s a big difference
we gotta fix that
thing anyway whatever
so the joey diaz
if you ain’t high by
two in the afternoon go fuck yourself the
t shirt’s done
the design is
ready it’s gonna be
printed up as soon as we can get it to the
to the shop
should be any
minute now so i’ll let you guys know
and joe diaz will be appearing
where you at this weekend
this weekend
nowhere nowhere you’re on friday
night you’re in the city i’m at the bitter
end of new york city on tuesday
nine o’clock what is the bitter end
the bitter end is an old rock
comedy club that lenny
bruce and george carlin and
prior and oh yeah
yeah but the last guy to do it was the guy from the
daily show it’s a
small little rustic
place yeah it’s a
small little
rustic place in the village and the guy’s name is
peter fogel the guy that
i met him during the ufcs
i met him in columbus
we were both
you guys went in without me and i had to go
in columbus they got a
weird airport you just can’t wait online
you have to get a ticket
and wait on fucking line so i waited an hour
and austin like you ain’t got no ticket
neither did he
so he’s has this look on his face he’s furious
i gotta get to the hotel
you guys leaving at four forty five
and for some reason i looked at him
and i just seen this pain in his face
and something i had
never do this just made me pull back like a dog
you need a butt don’t you
and he looked at me like i was jesus
he goes how’d you know i left my weed on the fucking
counter and i went my ball sack
this guy but
right there at the fucking taxi cab line
i gave him a bun he just looked at it looked at me like
are you fucking
crazy i was like a
spirit that day
who gives you a line of
butter fucking
weed at the airport
right there online who gives you weed
out of their balls
yeah that’s the most important part who’s
that’s the crazy
thing right i
would probably deny it
i’d probably no no that’s a cause
so i met him at the
ufc after that
every ufc he’s a
the vote fan
he goes to all of them he goes to the q amp a’s
so when we spoke he
asked me if i was coming i told him i couldn’t
and he goes why don’t you do a show a
show at my club now
in the village
it’s close to
china town so i just killed two birds at one
stone you know i’m saying
wow so you’re
gonna do a show with who
who’s doing it with you
solo it’s a solo show yeah
it’s in between two bands
holy shit stanhope
why not i like that
thing wow i love that i love that little
stanhope really created a
monster with me when he
when he started the
not doing the
comedy club revolution yeah because i really like that
every once in a while
you got to step
outside the comedy club and just get down
they only see two
sixty the tickets are
gonna go and everybody standing
no no no everybody they got little
tables this is old fucking rock club jimi hendrix
neil diamond bob dylan
you know this is old
school fucking jimi hendrix
from the cafe wah
fuck i mean this is a real
real little club
so you know what i don’t want to do nothing in jersey
but for my friends and nothing
like that so i figured let me go into the city and
if i call a calamity club they’re
gonna break my balls comedy club yeah they’re
gonna break my balls and put me up at 2
00 in the fucking morning
right you know what 8 15
with this don’t be there
wife go through the aggravation
won’t stop shopping
all we have to do is just pump it up on twitter we’ll
pack that place all
be packed so how do people get tickets
if they want to get tickets there’s no tickets you
gotta go that
night tickets go on sale that
night old school old
school old school cash
god damn i think
they take i did take credit you got a credit
card machine
got everything wow
so tickets go on
sale when you get there when you get there you just
gotta get there yeah
that sounds like
a pretty good idea 15 dollars no
drama come on down bro it’s a tuesday night
you know what i don’t want a friday
you know me dog any
fucking momo
gonna friday night
let me see you get down on a fucking tuesday night
old school style
nine o’clock ten o’clock show get out of there go to
chinatown that’s what i wanted
and then i’m on the rock
chester the next day so shazam
and what are you doing in rochester
i’m doing a club called the comedy club in
rochester new york and webster it’s a
great little fucking club so
that’s thursday friday saturday
thursday friday saturday yeah and how do you
think the comedy club
did they think of some kind of name
bro it’s nothing else out there but woods
there’s nothing up there but woods it’s great
you know what woods and
bodies frozen
bodies this is my
third time i mean the
first time it was january that’s brutal
i’ll never do that shit oh
but then now i go at
least towards late
march just cause you know
wouldn’t you like to name a comedy club
wouldn’t that be a cool thing
yes so what
would you name your comment
i like tsartans or something shut
the fuck up
what’s going
on with you baby joe nothing nothing
family looks great
thank you it’s amazing to know you a long time and to
see what’s come of your life they’re fucking beautiful
thanks man that’s it’s amazing to have your wife and
the supremes as i call it that’s what you have up here
you like the anna
ross had the
the three sisters the supremes
mrs rogan has the supremes you got the
three girls it’s all
over for you you like the manager have they done any
dance numbers for you yet like they
choreographed
dance numbers this is
great joe rogan
i got tears in my eyes it’s a
you have a very very nice
especially you know you didn’t grow up in no fucking
mansion when you were a kid you had it you know
look at you it’s a
great little family you put together that’s very
proud of you thanks man
you don’t see this much in men and he’s
great with them isn’t he’s fucking
great with them they love them they like
that’s big motherfucking
daddy kane rogan and
shit joey i like your hair
today you have really nice hair it’s comb you
look like you’re going to
court communion look yeah
this is my first communion
look i’m bringing it back bitches you
look like you’re on your way to
court yeah no no there’s no
you know a fucking cop
tried to shake me down
today what what
a fucking cop pulled me over
today and i
asked you know i know they have the camera on the cars
right i just
asked them is there
any reason why you pulled me over because no no no
we had you mistaken then we ran your
plate and you’re okay you’re
free to go then what the fuck you pulling me over for
i think he was
pulling me over to see if i was smoking herb i don’t
smoke herb in my car so you fuck guy
really you don’t think it
might have been just exactly what he was saying
that they just
got confused i know how he did it i parked
in a different
place by my house
he was on my corner and as i made a left
i seen how he looked at me
and i was doing the
speed limit i don’t
fuck around i went down and by the time i got to hunger
he had made a u turn and got
right behind me like
you know when you’re
looking at your
radio and you look up and there’s a cop behind you
right but it couldn’t
have been that he just thought you were somebody else
maybe he saw your haircut and he was attracted to you
you never thought he
had another guy with
what the fuck is
wrong with you brian
strong possibility brian you
think so but no
maybe i don’t know
but i thought i was
gonna be late
that’s why i called you that’s why i called jessa
this motherfuckers
gonna pull me over
i tell him but why do you
think what makes you
think he was trying to
shake it down
like do they really do that anymore no that’s shaking
you down see
let me see what’s in your pocket
just see what’s going on
maybe he was see thought i was smoking dope in the car
right and then when he just looked like it really
would be smoking pot in the car yeah that’s what
it was no smoking in the car knows he’s got weed joey
would smoke in the car
everywhere you would
smoke in the car in fucking
texas and i’m like dude don’t
smoke in the car this is not a
smart move and they
would give me a hard time
don’t smoke in the car don’t
smoke in the car joe rogan
don’t smoke in the car
when i just want to go to jail i don’t
know this is like
this is not
california yeah i don’t
do it because of that i just don’t do it because what
sometimes at daytime i don’t need to be that fucking
stone i really get
stoned in the morning that’s good enough
if i take weed with me in the car i’d be a mess
it’s funny it’s not a smart move
it is funny how
california makes
you totally forget that like in ohio i was paranoid
about smoking weed
anywhere like i would
clean up the seeds for my
car i mean i was like
now i fucking feel like it’s like
everywhere that’s why there’s
states laws i mean that’s how it’s supposed to be
i mean it’s not supposed to be that someone can stop
you from doing it but it is supposed to be that some
places can decide it’s okay
what happened in west hollywood last
night did you hear
about this i
heard nothing
all these weed
stores got raided and
one of them caught fire
ari’s weed store
is gone zen
weed or something like that no yeah
it’s gone it’s a sign that says
it’s closed forever or something like that
and i heard that one of the
places they set on fire
whoa i don’t know if it was
the growyard or
whatever but there was one
place on fire
then fucking
whatever you
see the best jolly
rancher candies
yeah you will ever eat in your life yeah
i was eating them popular
ralphie may like they were
candy he bought a bag of this fucking big
and by the third one i’m at the sushi
place i didn’t even know
where the fuck i was
do you guys realize how
alien this conversation
is to most people listening all over the
world we had this conversation at 8 30
in the morning you and i called you and i said you know
as a kid you expect
jetpacks and you
expect people
going to mars and shit
never that i thought
in any of my youth that at 8 in the morning i
would be at a wii store
eating bagels
and smoking dope next to an attorney and a construction
fucking worker
fucking cops have medical marijuana license yeah
they do i think so i think they’re allowed to i don’t
think you can i don’t think you can piss clean
yeah yeah yeah i mean to get
signed never life force
i mean i don’t think
they’re allowed to test them
i shouldn’t be
talking down my ass because i don’t know what kind of
testing they do once they’re in office or once they’re
on the on the on the job but to get
to be a cop i’m sure they must have to piss test you
hmm i think at the beginning of something they do
psychological and all that shit
you know what man look
there’s too many fucking
restrictions
if you’re a guy who just got a fucking job all
right if you’re just a guy who works it
ups and you know
you got a decent management job and you like it and you
gonna fucking piss into a cup
every couple months
so you can’t even
enjoy yourself at your brother’s wedding
everyone sitting around smoking a joint
listening to some good songs
and you gotta
stand over there by the fan
cause you were
yeah you were that shits
gonna get in your hair
the fuck man that’s nonsense that
if you get high you’re only high for like two
hours at the most
and then it goes away
unless you’re really high
unless you eat it
and even then the fuck by the
time you get to work most likely you’ll be sober if you
ate so much weed that you’re
still high the next day
have you been high in the car guys
something happens that you go
that was close
well you missed an accident or
somebody was next to you and you just put the
blinker on and went
yeah i’ve done that so much and
when i’m not high though
so i can’t really
judge if that was if i
would have done that
regardless if i was high or not you know like something
where you’re like looking down at
your shoe or something like that like what’s on my shoe
i never do that
don’t do that
i slipped and said
wow that fucking was
close or something
no no i’m very conscious
of two things i don’t
drive if i’m high like that and i don’t
ever not pay attention to the road
paying attention to the road is very i was made
you never catch me
texting i don’t text in my car get the fuck out of here
and you know i was in a car once with a check
she was a publicist
for one of the clubs and she was driving me to radio
and she’s fucking texting on the highway
on the highway
like you got that kind of control over your car really
you hit a rock and that
steering wheel
twists to the right
and you got this you got this
you’re really paying attention to what you see in
front of you
are you crazy we’re going 80
miles an hour
i had to tell her stop i said
please stop doing that you know if you’re gonna text
you know let me
drive you know don’t do it
fucking not
worth it it’s not worth it
but for a lot
of people man it’s too goddamn easy it’s too tempting
you know it’s
right there
my car has a little thing
bmw has this little knob that
you dial the
phone from all this so you got like
your adjust
book shows up on a
screen and you can
scroll through it so you
never have to take your eyes off the road
you can you can just you know you’re
right there with
the whole thing
something yeah
very little word has a button you just go dial joe
then we have that too bmw has
they’ll have that now
but my point is
like even that’s tricky
even that you
gotta watch what
the fuck you’re doing when you’re cooking gas and okay
but at least you’re looking
ahead and like you getting the peripheral in there at
least you know you’re getting
a decent vision
but man fucking people who texted their car
freak me out i see it all the time you’re
hurling a giant
metal machine
70 80 miles an hour around a
bunch of other ones
and you’re not
even fucking paying attention you cunt do you
think eventually
us as a race is
gonna get to the
point where that is just common
like you could do it super easy
like you just get
trained and your
inputs ineffective there’ll be another input
i mean it’s
gonna get to some sort of a neural
input at that point
right but you know
that’s all coming
you know we’re resisting all of that but
i mean look
everything we’ve got
today is fucking
witchcraft 300 years ago
witchcraft total
witchcraft an iphone is sorcery man
that shit they
would fucking burn you with a
steak if you showed up with an iphone
and now it’s here what what what comes next we’re
gonna have to get over this
this human machine interface we’re
gonna have to get over the idea of implants people are
gonna have shit implanted into
their body and you’re
gonna be able to communicate with with
other machines and
other and other
other people who have
chips implanted in
their body the
human body will become a computer
my buddy i’m
laughing because my
buddy has a joke that he did in
texas he did a one
nighter in a club
in a part of
texas that was so backwards
that the opening act was a magician
they thought he was a
devil worshipper
he was doing
magic yeah he was doing
magic it is
one of the funniest bits and he goes joey it was a
night from hell
because they were all like
white christians
and this guy
was in there making birds disappear and shit
the devil they were like get that
devil out of the building
they pay them and ask them to fucking
leave that’s beautiful
that’s hilarious
i thought he was the fucking
devil you know man this is a
thing about religion you can
tell me you believe in god all day but as soon as you
start talking
about the devil holy shit
did you throw yourself in a box
cause you can’t be all
spiritual you know even
spiritual people like well i didn’t believe in religion
but i’m very spiritual and i
definitely believe in god
you know but they don’t go well the
devil’s real
i’m pretty sure of that yeah
pretty sure the
devil’s real
like the what he lives
underground joe
the devil come
on the fuck on come on really come on the fuck you
can’t fucking say you believe in the
devil that’s
where people draw the line you
when you’re saying you believe in the
devil you’re just
going deep deep deep you’re
going fire brimstone fucking dragons
the exorcist
was on this morning
i had the fucking morning oh
i get back and i’m just
going through
the channels i put the news on and it was like
spike from last
night watching
the ufc countdown
and i’m like
is this the
fucking exorcist at nine o five in the morning
spike has lost that goddamn mind it was on
spike bro just
people that don’t have this in perspective
because it’s two thousand eleven and
you’ve had some amazing you know fucking avatar type
movies and you know
movies just
they’re on such another
level now than they were back then
when the exorcist came out dude
that was the scariest
movie of all time
when that little girl spun her head around and starts
stabbing herself with a crucifix
going your mother sucks cocks in hell
and she’s it’s me
stabbing into the meat of her
pussy with a crock
it was baroo
i’m gonna tell you something i
watched the movie this morning for 20 minutes
while i was making breakfast
and i sat there and it got me
daddy turn it off and get the fuck out of room dude
it’s a real movie from the
devil in africa
they find that little devil in africa that’s
why i feel that africa’s always fucked
because that devil they found that africa’s
never looked back there’s always something
going on in africa
always something dog somebody’s getting killed
there’s a war
oh egypt this that think
about look at africa every week they got
something except this week my
prayers go down to fucking japanese people it’s crazy
every day that gets
crazy and crazy over that
but you know this exorcist was brilliant
watch the fucking
movie with no interruption yeah no it’s a brilliant
movie if you know
that especially
on that movie
yeah like a lot of problems like a lot of
weird things that the
studio burnt down
it was just fucking
crazy you know that
guy the guy i
named my cat
after there’s a cat in there
when she’s the rocking
chair she keeps telling the priest d me
that priest
yeah be a boxer
right that’s jackie gleason’s
motherfucking son in law
really that’s that’s a
shit whatever his father in
real life he’s an actor the kids an actor but that guy
never dimitri
remember like his name was like demetrius
and she used to call him dee dee why you
do this to me and that was the boxer that was the boxer
priest that
smoked cigarettes
and at the end he just beats the fuck out of the
devil he got him
down he sounded
and then the blast
taken out the bottom position
and then she just throws him out the room and gets up
just goes out the fucking window yeah it’s a brilliant
movie they can’t do that shit ever
again they don’t have that kind of
writing they don’t have that well
it hadn’t been done yet
so when it was done it was they went so far with it too
you tell me there wasn’t some arguments
about whether or not they
should have her stab herself in the pussy with a cross
there must have been some
studio conversations
back then yeah it’s
3272 people who the fuck
she’s screaming your mother sucks cocks in hell
and she’s stabbing herself in the
pussy yeah that has had it been
crazy how’d they even
get that past but here’s the part
that was terrifying man that was brilliant
when she’s when the devil’s first coming into the house
there’s a fight one
night in her house she’s having a she’s an actress the
mother and she’s having like a party
and the guys german
the waiter and
the guy keeps saying something to him you fucking nazi
and two days
later they find the guy in the bottom of the
stairway with his neck twisted
and they couldn’t figure out
i mean it’s a deep
exercise yeah
it’s a lot deeper
remember when
she goes up to the astronaut she goes you’re
gonna die up there yes
that was like the
first creepy little girl
like in movies there’s
never i mean
the stephen king the twins and shining
those are creepy little girls
those are kind of interesting
you know the
one what is that the japanese one what is that one oh
the fuck is it the
tv girl yeah
the fucking
you know what
i’m talking about
the girl with the tv that
crawls out the tv and
god damn it
they did an american version of it too
right didn’t they
whatever it is the
spooky little
scary japanese girl i
would have sex in the movies
would you yeah
he would you fucking idiot
she left the
blank left that
movie never
tasted that
movie like all
these little twins like the
what’s her name the little twins that did full house
oh my god yeah
you know they were on tv they
never got to have a
childhood bitch
larya blair
was putting a
cross and her
pussy at the age of 12
somebody went to
linda blair and said
linda hi can you sit down for a
second with your
mother in the room
in this film
we want you to take a fucking cross
and put it in your little
twat and say your
mother sucks
cocks and hell can you say that repeat that
after me this
movie fucked her up so much
she ended up
hanging out with rick
james 20 years
later was she
not the number
she was she
never recovered from that film
that was one of the
how could she
how could you do a
movie when you’re 12
where you’re
stabbing yourself
in the pussy with a cross
how could you do that and then
expect to be normal
yeah and she’s
screaming it
your mother sucks cocks in hell
and that crazy
voice that was the
first original
really scary movie
cause there have been
monster movies before like dracula and shit
but there was nothing that like seemed real
creep show was my
scary one it was a
great one i never i
never saw exorcist as a kid i saw it as an adult but
creep show was
fucking used to
freak me out used to play on
old hbo all the time remember
some hbo rate
creep show is
great nightmare
on elm street the
first one fucked my
world up a little yeah that was a
total comes out of the
phone that’s brilliant bro
that’s fucking
brilliant i don’t give a fuck what anybody
says when he goes to pick that up that little tongue
starts moving
yeah we were talking
about this the
other day but the silence of the lamb
still fucking holds up
there’s a few
movies that
still night they’re gonna do a
thing on a and
e i’ve seen it before
about the making of that yeah
how much went into that how much of his character that
movie’s a work of art she’s a bad
motherfucker
she’s a bad
she’s so badass
even when she’s nervous like she’s talking to him
like you know mr lecter
you know like her nervousness it’s like so
fucking real
like she must have made herself nervous for that
like the way she’s doing it it’s like
these only little
weird twitches in your lip that you can’t even fake
you know what i mean like you you
would literally have to be nervous
to be having
these little twitches and
quivers in your mouth
as she’s communicating
like she’s having a hard time getting it out
she’s brilliant dude
and he him and her together
jesus fucking christ anthony hopkins come on man
it’s just a fucking
there’s so much about that
movie that was so badass
the way he got out of the jail the way he
tricked them and got out of the jail and it’s like
the suspension of disbelief
you don’t need much of it when he spider man he
threw his commenter
remember yeah megs
okay migs my friend
that was my nickname
from one friend my friend
john tobin he used to call me migs because of that why
no it is fucking
crazy bro he
made migs kill himself yeah
i’ll talk to
him to kill himself yeah
nobody’s done that
since robert
duvalley godfather ii
they talked freddy
fifeing his
angels into to kill himself with a tub
remember he goes to
visit them to jail
and he goes at the end of the
party the romans
would get together and eat fruit
and then they’d
slice their fucking wrists
and the next day they’re
playing cards
and what’s his name he cut himself in the tub
that’s a fight
holy shit i forgot
about that godfather ii
was one of the few
movies where it was just as good as godfather one or
good enough for me at
least there’s very few that are like that what a
great fucking film
you know like
alien one and alien two
it is debatable
because like this alien
too is kind of fun
cause there was a lot of goddamn
aliens and there was a big
giant fucking alien it’s
still pretty badass
but alien one was creepier
it was a different
thing it was
skate you couldn’t see it you didn’t know
where it was by the time you saw it it got you
and it was impossible to kill
if there was
alien too it’s like you’re killing them left and
right like okay now this is a totally different thing
still awesome cause
these things are
stupid now they were
super smart and clever
and they would get you and hide on people now
they’re killing
10 of them before one person gets killed
that’s silly
if you look at that but it’s
still a badass fucking movie
so it’s like
nah i don’t
think it’s as good as
alien 1 but god damn it’s
still one of the best all time science fiction
movies you know
alien 2 it just
alien 1 was so fucking badass
when that shit came out dude
i remember i went to see that and the
first thing i said
when i got out of the theater i said fuck star wars
fuck star wars
like that’s like
i’m a huge star wars fan i saw star wars like
13 times when i was a little kid
but when i saw alien
and i was like
just that’s what
aliens are gonna be like man it’s not
gonna be like some fucking
furry dude with
a bandolier on and a gun
that’s not gonna be
aliens man aliens is
gonna be some
weird parasites
that lock onto people
and grow inside our
bodies and explode out of our
chests i said
yeah your weaver was a bad
motherfucker yeah wasn’t
she she’s bad she’s
badass she’s badass
that is when she was
young too you know
she was fierce
she didn’t give a fuck
there’s a few you
know there’s a few people that make acting worthwhile
and they don’t seem to need that much attention
they seem to be pretty fucking
like that guy
who’s the guy on my left foot daniel day lewis
that guy that guy’s a brilliant actor and
you barely even fucking hear a peep
about that guy
he’s never going to like
events and making a big deal
about things
and holding
press conferences and fucking
sitting in talk shows and
you know crossing his legs talking
about his fucking vacation you know no
no that guy’s
hiding in ireland
learning how to box
you know what i mean
he’s fucking eating gruel and
living in a prison because he’s got to be in a prison
movie you know
that i liked it i really
respect that part of the ass he’s the baddest
motherfucker of all time
danny day lewis
between him and gary oldman it’s like it’s a toss up
you know gary oldman even in this
stupid red riding hood
movie i went to
see red riding hoods was that good by the way i don’t
think he ever
did it was good it’s okay
it was decent
you know what it was
it was like
it was entertaining
you know but it was parts of it that wii u say wow this
could have been really good
this could have
been really good but it got a little twilight y
at the end it got a lot twilight
y at the end
but there’s parts of it that
gary oldman’s a bad
motherfucker
even in a silly movie
he still comes across
like the creepiest
motherfucker
makes you uncomfortable when you see him
you know like gosh
shit he’s here like you feel it when he’s in the room
he ain’t no fucking cardboard cutout of a villain
he’s thinking like a fucking villain
his eyes are lit up like a killer like for real he’s
not you know there’s some dudes that
don’t know how to
do that or they can’t do that i don’t know what it is
i can’t do it
i don’t know what it is
did they do it
i’ve never been a
successful actor
but whatever the fuck it is that
those guys have
like what’s this
thing russell crowe he’s got it too
they can just become somebody
they can just
really become someone different than who they are
there’s only a few dudes who can do that
but those guys are valuable
you know those guys that’s a that’s a
crazy trick man when
you you you
you don’t you know
what this guy really fucking talks like and it’s not
weirding you out
but all of a
sudden he’s got this strange accent
like you know what russell
crowe really talks like
but all of a
sudden he’s
playing some guy from brooklyn and you buy it
how are you buying into this why
come on i know what his real
voice sounds like
but yet i’m
still roped in
he’s that good
you know who’s the worst
20 million of fuck yeah
you know who’s the
worst that doing that though michael myers
mike myers i mean
every single
movie is the same fucking character
exactly well it’s different when you try to be funny
you know he’s a
sketch guy bro
these fucking actors listen
that’s some
motherfucking actors that
could act their fucking ass off
and when they’re around you you know it
denzel marlon brando
the chick from
the postman always rings
twice that jessica
lang oh yeah
bitches with
treacherous
these fucking little bitches
today couldn’t deal with
these actress
today hanging out at the fucking
on hollywood
you think half of these
motherfuckers
could run with marlon
brandon when he was
slinging dick in his day
are you fucking kidding me
they went down a pot what’s that
movie did down
the island when he met
when he before he bought the island i love dr moreau
no the one before that with a treasure
with what a brother said yeah go down there
have a blast they went
down he wasn’t even directly he was banging fucking
chicks ahead
of the time
he had some
water boy fucking film in
the fucking movie
he had footage in every
boats going
by the birds
they’re like
marlon what the fuck you’ve been doing that
after eight
months they
weren’t even
gonna give the godfather because of that
they were like
we don’t even want to hear that fucking name
eight months of our life we went down in his wildlife
we’re sending
checks down here
he bought a fucking island
really you don’t know
about why i know he
lived on an island
right and then for superman
they’re trying
to call him up come back he’s like listen i read the
script send me a hundred grand
you had to pay him to read a
script wow twenty
grand to read
you want him to show up that’s a hundred
grand for a media
come off the island dog so
twenty grand to read a hundred
grand to why
did they hazel
when he died he had been pissing them off for
thirty fucking years
and they couldn’t do nothing was wrong
for the guy showed up at the oscars
didn’t even show up he sent an indian
to pick up his fucking
oscar go online
and look at it
she’s up there fucking a bull with her and shoot
this guy last week at the
oh well what’s his
little fact name and half the way the guy all they know
bitch you go back i don’t know
what happened what happened
no nothing happened
there people complaining online that he wasn’t
funny bitch you
know was it
james franco yeah when
marlon brando
sent a fucking indian with a feather in their hat
to pick up his
oscar they were buddha
that’s real hollywood
steve mcqueen
those we’ve had this conversation
well that was
their only outlet to
express themselves back then they didn’t have twitter
or the internet or anything like that you couldn’t like
stage a protest
what express yourself you’re an actor
if you wanted to
do something you wanted to protest something in public
yeah you had to do it during an award show like on
television that’s the only way
for people to see it i’ve
never thought about that
not only that people
wouldn’t re see it how do you re see it
there was no reason
shit like that
so you had to make like if you wanted to make a
stand making public
stands was very important
back then there’s the only way you had a voice
right you know
put more indians
in the movies
those black guys
at the olympics
they they held
their fists up the with the
black gloves on all
right the black power fist
you know because
they’re tired of being fucking
been treated like
their shit their whole life
and finally they get to do something
they win the olympics and they’re like look bitch
stop with all this nonsense all this racial hatred
and then everybody looked at it like as if
they’re racist
what they’re doing oh they’re black
separatists oh they’re dangerous
that’s a reaction
that’s a reaction to the society that they
lived in and
where else were they
gonna make that protest
that’s the priest
that’s exactly the
right place to do it
they did it
subtle enough for me they hold
their fucking fist up in the air
that’s subtle enough for me that’s
how the fuck else you say
i’m talking
about that message
that they sent sixty
you know what it was nineteen
sixty something what is he saying
what is public
enemy got a song like that
raise your fist to the music
united we stand yet
divided we fall
together we can’t stand
tall brother’s
gonna work it out sometime
sometime realize
it’s super bad
what’s up b
yeah that was when you had
a thousand bitches look at him i’m
watching it brian’s
incorrect he’s a very loyal
loyal boy shit
slinging dick he’s
breaking everybody’s records
let’s get that pop star hair
thing going on
sexy bitch whatever
he’s looking like whatever
whatever so over i’m
going to a food truck
what the fuck
brian what do
you guys ever gone
what’s up with these food
trucks i don’t know if it’s like this
everywhere but in la the food
trucks have attacked la
now food trucks are
so popular they have twitter’s
where you could
go on twitter and find out where the
truck is and
on melrose the
other day the
whole street
just food trucks lined up
thousands of people
everywhere this is a new recent
trend right yeah
brand new you know
it’s perfect for la
cause the momos are out there with that twitter and
you know where
is he oh my god we can’t live without the food
the food’s okay the
grilled cheese one have you been there the grilled
cheese was good
and there’s another one that’s popped
toppers god damn
and they don’t
pay rent there’s no overheads the food’s very cheap
wow you know
it’s not bad pretty badass they have them in
front of skinnies on thursday
they have an open mic
and skinnies you go in there and do comedy
and on the way out they got
these fucking
trucks everywhere so
wow i see those
mexican ones i don’t take the chance no they’re like
those like upgraded
you know like
nowadays they’re like it’s like a restaurant i think
about taking a chance though sometimes
like there’s l tapatio
in the valley who
i want to take
you there if you want to go get some real
mexican food
l tapatio yeah that
was it’s legit
it’s um i think it’s in woodland hills it’s on um
like van owen or something like that that
place is legit
they’re pork tacos carnitas and oh oh
they have that
big dirty bowl
of pickled jalapenos
and carrots just sitting out there anybody
could just stick
their fucking hands in there
no one cares
big little plate of jalapenos
and radishes and shit like that and
those jalapenos will fuck your world up
these are jalapenos they grew you know i’m saying
they grew these shits in
their backyard they got
these new jalapenos they don’t make your ass burn
like just when you shit
they stay there all day it’s like a
subtle fucking burn to remind you
all day you’re in the bathroom triple wiping
cause you think you didn’t wipe
right you think you have like the
second remorse
coming out of your
muffler but
these new jalapenos
bro they burn your ass all fucking day
new jalapenos i had this last week or two my asshole
was on fire all fucking day i’m done with that stuff
what you don’t eat mexican food oh no
no jalapenos
that shit just fucks me up too much dude i make carne
asada burritos
with fresh jalapenos and i
chop em up in there
and i chop up like a
whole pepper and a half and then
in one burrito
and it just fuckin
cleans the whole
system out son
it’s not from oh your
tears are coming down your eyes your tongue’s on fire
but god damn your body’s like
it gets like a nice jolt it feels like you’re fucking
dusting off all the bullshit
nah you don’t get into it huh
setting out half a
quarter cup
brian likes mashed potatoes
mashed potatoes and meatloaf no
gravy please
thank you do you have milk
do you have
whole milk white
bread i had a
piece of mashed meatloaf from last
night on white
bread wonder
bread shit shit shit shit
ketchup on that
motherfucker
stop it here’s another
strong place to eat there’s a
place called
chicks out here in the valley
and i think that’s in calabasas
maybe somewhere around that anyway this fucking
place has they made
their own rotisserie
they throw wood in it it’s a
wood burning rotisserie family owned they’ve owned this
place fucking forever
you have to pay cash yeah
you’ve been there before you have to pay cash
they don’t have credit card machines fuck you cash
and they got this fucking brisket sandwich dude
it’s a barbecued brisket with
with mashed potatoes
in the sandwich
there’s a layer of mashed potatoes and a
layer of this
mouth watering
brisket and it’s all
in together
and you know it’s a
giant ass look dude
i’ll take you there
after this you’re
gonna shit your pants
i i ate it i
ate it two days ago and i’ve had irregular shits ever
since then i am so backed up
it’s all from this
thing it’s giant it
weighs thirteen
pounds it’s the biggest sandwich you’ve ever eaten
shit green like fluorescent green today and the only
thing i could think of it was the mushrooms
no aids the mushrooms no bro that’s my
shits tripped
jet hulk aides bro
it was weird when
i never mind i want to talk about
the fuck brian i shroomed you okay i shroomed
for my first time in like seven or eight years i should
two days ago beautiful
can you get some
i could get you
what the fuck are we not on the internet you cunts
jesus christ you guys gonna get raided
no we’re not gonna get any we talking
shiitake yeah fucking shiitake
you fucking guys a little too casual
yeah yeah i’m
excited about new york
decided to do
open anthony i’m so excited to
do the weigh ins can’t wait to do shows i got them
excited about everything man
you know i’m
sorry i missed
you it was just that i didn’t want to ask you
no it’s okay
i didn’t really know and they gave me the rock
chest a week
when i was there last year
and all of a
sudden i see the
ufcs back to this year so i didn’t want to
leave for 10 days in a row and ask you yeah
no i understand
no worries man no and
then i said fuck it because
i wanted to go back but i didn’t want to go back there
because it’s
gonna be busy in the next couple weeks
and it’s weird because i was telling you that day i’m
going to visit a
buddy of mine
and i wanted to tell you the
story just so you didn’t know
in 83 you know i was a fucked up kid and
i was at a bar one
night and this kid came in
and i knew his
whole family i knew his younger brothers
and this kid had gone to the air
force academy
where you had one
you got under the
train or something once
no i went to
olympic training
springs and his
other brother went to brown
and we used to go
visit his brother
his brother used to be there when kennedy was on campus
they were in the same fucking
thing so we
would go up there and
watch jackie oh
come to the
campus and people
would throw shit out of
and call her jackie oh your country
was fucking crazy
but just to get back to the story
i wanted to
get out of jersey you know i wasn’t doing the right
thing you know and
he came to me he’s like i got a
place in colorado if you want to come
because we’ll buy a car and
drive out and i was like i’ll give you the
money for the car
but i wanted to rob this dude
right i wanted
to rob this drug dealer that used to hide
three kilos they used to deliver
three kilos a month
to his to his
building and he
would hide it
in his parking garage
so somebody
slipped one
night at a party and said that his
buddy got three kilos delivered
and he didn’t want to put the coke in his house so
my plan was to rob the kilos
now at the time i used to deal with a loan
shark all the time
and he was my
you know he wasn’t my friend but i knew him for years
and i was trying to set him up too
i would make him payments
every week so what i was
gonna do is rob the drug dealers
give him the five
grand i owe
them wait ten days
and then hit him for 50
and then take off the
colorado by how
i was gonna do
right wait a
minute wait a
minute wait a
minute i got lost oh dog i used to be the real deal
i’ve been trying to tell you this for years so you were
gonna pay him back and then rob him i was
gonna pay him but i used to borrow
from this guy constantly okay years he owned the bar
he was a mob
guy we used to borrow from constantly constantly
like you fucking borrow five hundred for
seven fifty
so that was ten weeks to
seventy five dollars a week
so people would come to me and say bro i’m
gonna bind with george
i’m gonna bind
can you get me
money from george and i
would borrow and i get a
point every week
so i was lending out
money so all together my bill was six
grand with him
but it was people that were paying the guy do you
understand that
weird thing like lending
money money oh
that’s an east coast
thing isn’t it yeah
this is huge
it’s not an east
coast thing it is it everybody loan
loan shot there’s loan
sharks in our
banks a loan shot
thanks along
yeah yeah yeah
what do you want
yeah no you’re right
some people
have a card business and they really they’re in a bind
they’re legit people
but they want
to buy 10 cars they don’t have the cash on
but you know what god damn
could you imagine if there was no banks
how much it
would suck if you had to
carry all your
money around with you
oh no what if you had gold
one of you were like 50
000 in gold fucking
second there i come with a horse and
stabbed me in the fucking
mouth what the
fuck what the fuck that’s when people used to
hold up money and dig
holes in the dirt and bury shit
that’s why they did because they couldn’t
carry it all it’s
stupid wonder how much
money is buried
still whatever banks cost they’re
worth it even when they rip everybody off god it
would suck if there’s no banks
there’s no banks
where’s the money
right money
doesn’t even
the problem with
money is it
doesn’t really
mean anything anymore
it’s not like
this 100 bill
is worth 100
worth of gold it’s not
based on gold anymore
it’s based on
confidence like you have to believe
in the money
right that’s
silly that’s
crazy that’s why everyone
should just spin it as fast as possible it
doesn’t make
sense i mean gold makes no
sense anyway
i mean even if you get
to that i mean the fact that everybody was into gold
you know the only
thing that makes sense
about gold is
that i guess
it’s rare you know
you can’t just have it
you can’t just like say look
i’ve got millions of dollars because it’s
everywhere you just go out in the woods and cut it down
it’s hard to get
but what the fuck man
there’s gotta be a better way
fuck the fucking gold
you right away your poor reveal with gold
was talking about
fascinating man
he’s fascinating
eight hundred dollars
a fuck so you’re ripping
people off so i’m not ripping nobody off i’m gonna
set this guy up because i wanted a new life in
colorado so we’re
gonna rob this drug deal i was
gonna take that
money pay the loan shark off
wait 10 days and go hey
i got a line on a kilo
coke i need 50 000 dollars you probably gave me 30
and i was gonna move to
colorado and buy property
and whatever
the fuck you just
why didn’t you
think he was
gonna go after you
because if they don’t they don’t
go outside fucking new york city that’s only in the
movies these fucking
these guys go to
miami and they’re scared you know what i’m saying
you know the people you grew up with in boston
where do they go
they go to fucking whatever
the fucking pigeon
place in boston in the summer
and anything out of that area
their comfort zone they fucking
freak bro they can’t take it
you know the mob really lost a lot of credibility when
sammy the beau
gravano got away with everything
everybody lost credibility
that was the most ridiculous
thing i was like
i thought they were for sure was
gonna kill that guy
right that’s what happens you can’t be a rat
you know he walked the don
up whoa there must be like people coming after him
that’s when
you realize you’re like whoa this is not the organized
thing that appears to be you know what they killed
sammy the bull who
chicago cops were putting together to murder
sammy the bull
really to make
money yeah how
much was the money
i had no idea but they knew that there was a contract
album and chicago cops are
gonna go down there and
blast it that’s so
crazy man to be a
dirty cop man you
gotta really take a chance you
gotta really put yourself out there
you know and
to get a bunch of
other dirty cops together like you
gotta like assume that you’re all
gonna keep your mouth shut
and you’re all
but it happens all
the time man all the time they’re always busting cops
this is too much
too much power there’s
too much temptation i’ve
searched before there’s tons of
dirty cops on
craigslist oh bro
she stumbled on that one too
so excited to get it out
you know it’s
crazy man because
after a cop is a cop you know i
could just imagine being living all your life
to protect your country and blah blah
blah and also one day you actually
to be a cop you have
to have a certain gene you really want to help people
you really have to genuinely
hurt help people because it’s
thirty thousand a year or it’s just you want the job
some people
i think it’s more than that
thirty eight thousand to
start is that
a walk a beat
carry a gun and people
shoot at you
none of these cops are getting fucking rich
you got to be
a cop for years and become a detective and
you know a first
and how much can a detective make
seventy eighty thousand
maybe a hundred thousand
a commander chief
a hundred and
fifty thousand man i don’t know but i don’t
think a lot that’s why there’s
dirty fucking cops
that’s why one day they go what the fuck am i doing
right i have take a little
here take a little bit you know i’m making
thirty eight thousand
a fucking a year
you know and
this guy wants to give me 5 000 so i don’t bust his
book making operations on the corner who the fuck are
they bothering
you know that’s how it
starts bro and it’s a
and i guess it’s like
we were talking
about the other that you and
andy dickon
they said that
sometimes when you doing a bad show you’re so
upset with yourself
that you resort to doing you know you just not
happy with you the
right condition of your life
it was happen for a cop too
it’s fucking
tough being a cop
every night at the end of the day you go home at
eight in the morning
after a twelve hour
shift and you’re making
forty fucking
grand a year and people
shooting at you you got to be out there in the rain and
you know nobody you know it’s
funny because only on tv at people nice to cops right
you know cops put up with a lot of
shit on the
other and you know people like
me i was a criminal so i’m always a gentleman to cops
i don’t want them
fighting that war so i’m as nice as honey
i was nice you know i’m saying
but there’s people out there that have a little
money or take that back to the bones
like why are you pulling me over for a bitch
you get the
ticket motherfucker for opening up like that
officer was i doing something yeah
listen they’re
there because there’s a lot of people that are
fucking crazy and you need some
protection from
those people
you need somebody
pulling them over when they’re weaving in between lanes
you need someone tackling them when they’re
ready to shoot people in a fucking mall you need cops
people that don’t
think you need cops are crazy
i give anarchist
talk like the
older i got
the older i got
and the wise you get i give my life to
teachers cops anybody was a public service
you know all last week we’re talking
about this fucking mutt
charlie sheen is
basically a fucking rich junkie
if you come
down to it that’s just sitting there talking shit
do you have the boss to go on a
plane right now and go to
japan and help
those fucking people
nobody talks
about those fucking people nobody
can’t really nobody listens
to a fucking doctor
if a doctor did a fucking podcast today
and tried to tell you how to stay fucking healthy
you think you get the
you get or this fucking momo
charlie sheen
no dr oz dr
oz you know you
think about that our
show think about our fucking society
those guys over
japan right now picking up fucking
walls there’s kids
under there yelling and screaming
they’ll see
things we wouldn’t even imagine seen in a lifetime
those guys are
gonna come back
and next week
they’ll have another disaster in venezuela
or in oregon and
those guys will never get
not even a fucking thank you
you know that that that’s always kill me i i can
never be a public servant
i’m too much of a fucking
piece of shit
there’s people out there that just
that’s what they live for
you know and they really believe in it
bro the day
after that earthquake
think how many people just got on the plane
and they just came back from somewhere else
where was there an
earthquake they just
they just got back killing fucking
earthquake no
no new zealand new zealand
where the church and there’s a lot of goddamn
earthquakes lately well fucking dude was sitting
here like pigeons on a pond i don’t know what the fuck
doing here giggling
with a like a
bunch of fucking
bobos what next
it’s either
gonna be san francisco oregon to buy us some more time
and then we’ll fucking next chris it’s
where we need to go to fucking
texas when shit goes down
texas is the best
place to live at
least all the guns are
gonna come out and shit but think
about all that shit last week with
these people
think about what it takes to go over there
right now what are
those people getting paid
to get on the
plane and go help
those japanese people it’s a good question
fucking i turned down 50
fucking gigs if i got to
drive an hour
these motherfuckers are
going over there
think about that bro you know
what can they even do
right now right now
what they have to do is figure out how to deal with
those nuclear
actors yeah
you’re walking into a
newly active
place to help
some people
you have no idea who they are
the people in this country give a frenchman’s
fuck about that
visible cocksucker
charlie sheen
that’s what i
understand i
think no one cares
about charlie
sheen anymore i
think it’s over yeah
it’s fucking over
it feels like it’s so lasting what
the fuck who gives a fuck
it’s really
quick it burned out
quick i got
tired of it
i loved it for now
you wait for the call like belushi
stream video killed it for me i
think yeah me too
it’s just the
first one when the guy was playing the fart
noises i’m like whoa
these are the
people he’s hanging out with that’s what he
thought that
those are coke people
those coke people are idiots
you know that’s that’s what it is code people are these
weird fucking
selfish indulgent
self destructive people
they’re not fun to hang out with there’s no
cool conversation i did it for
thirty fucking years
and for the
first ten i did it with people
cause it was
fun you know how it’s fun oh my god let’s do a little
oh that’s great
after that i became
this person that was inside i can be out with people
but i never hung out with
those i didn’t like it i can’t listen
to people when they’re doing coke i want to kill them
that’s why after a
while you can’t even take
chicks home
because all you want them to do is suck your dick
i gotta listen to this fucking
story again there’s a line snorted
suck them fucking
nuts well what everybody likes
about this whole charlie sheen
thing is that
this guy is saying you know fuck it i’m just
gonna have fun this is what i do this is how i roll
you know you don’t like it fuck you i’m a rock star
you know that he’s like got this
crazy confidence and
everything he’s doing you know winning
you know next and everybody wants to be able to
think like that everybody wants to be able to
you know like people that are
struggling and they’re
going through some shitty job
like goddamn how badass
would it be to be fucking charlie sheen
right now it’s really funny
you said something to me
after the vegas show
you took me aside you like huh
yeah joey you know you
stand up i can see you
working on it or whatever the fuck you had to say to me
well the coke was doing the same
thing to my fucking stand up
instead of writing jokes all i used to say was fuck
i’m joey diaz
i can bang at 50
i go up there lies to you bro drugs
coke cigarettes they lie to you
this idiot’s buying into some columbia
well i’m not saying he’s on the money
but i am saying that if he didn’t die this way was he
gonna live forever and cure cancer what
the fuck difference does it make he’s i mean the only
thing that’s sad and
tragic is his kids are
gonna miss him
but you know what
i mean what is he doing what does he want to do with
himself this is what he wants to do he wants a fucking
party i don’t
think you should stop him
yeah oh no are you kidding me gerrard that’s so weak
you fuck swore i thought it was off
nobody important
it’s all right
that happens sometimes i made the mistakes to a call
that’s of course it’s susman
that’s my man
so yeah shrooming
man was fucking amazing but you have a great
it was visual it was to the
point where the person i was with i
could see their energy flowing through their skin
and then we went outside and the stars were going
crazy and then
shadows looked like they had
texture it was
fucking amazing
for good hours any
diarrhea or anything from the mushroom just
just bright
green shit today
right that’s
what that kills me
i used to trip
while i was
i used to get the diarrhea
while i was on the mushroom
me too that last time that’s why i had done i
just got when i
lived in colorado
i need a mushroom and 10
minutes later
i’m gonna shit it
trying to figure out how many trees they cut but
have you done it the tea way before that
seemed like it was so much easier in your stomach
it didn’t have any problems the
tea is fucking
great yeah i’ve done the tea for concerts
great i’ve had the amanita muscaria
tea what’s that and how was that that’s the mushroom
that they believe is responsible for christianity
that crazy red
white mushroom that looks like
santa claus is it like a mushroom mushroom
like i mean
psychedelic mushroom
yeah it’s a
psychedelic
mushroom but it’s a different sort of a
psychedelic it’s very
weird you know
i don’t know if what i got was good stuff
it was very strange and then
doug and i did
it and the day we did it was the day the war
broke out 9 11
yeah yeah the day we went to war and
we decided to go this dude
yon’s house
you know shut your shit up bro
that’s you son
anyway we go to this kid yon’s
house and he lives out in the middle of the desert
this weird fucking town
out in like palmdale area or something you know
not there but
one of those towns
where you’re like what
the fuck who’s out here why what are you doing out here
and we get blitzkrieged on mushrooms out there
and then we
watched the news
and the news i’ll
never forget this i’ve talked
about this before
doug stanhope
said the guy goes on he goes war coverage
begins at five
and stan help goes
holy shit there’s a kickoff
and we are shroomed to the gills
to the point where
everything i see i shouldn’t be social i
should have been
alone in the room
closing my eyes
lying on my back um
you see i saw
the fabric of the universe as i was walking
everything was a pattern
in front of me it was all
really intense complex geometrics it was like
the covering of the walls like
wallpaper or doors or anything
all that stuff was
it became transparent
and you could see
literally the
structure of the universe through
everything it was
we were fucked i mean we were gone
and and the fucking war coverage
starts and it was so strange that’s
crazy i couldn’t imagine that it was so bizarre
man just didn’t seem real it’s like
it’s two thousand
and whatever the fuck it was back then two
three and i was like this is how we’re rocking it
this is how we’re rocking it we’re just gonna
what the fuck that probably fucked you up somehow
you know i don’t know
it’s probably like burnt into your mind cause
mushrooms with 9 11
that’s insane
cause 9 11 was
crazy for everybody
cause that was something they
never saw ever
you saw it in a
psychedelic
way and that’s no the war
going off not 9 11 so
9 11 i just
remember when we were hanging out on 9 11
it was interesting we went over to mike faberman’s
house it was
eddie and ralphie
and joey it was an interesting fucking day because
boy the shit had went down and we went to baja
fresh and we had some burritos
and we were just sitting there and
shooting the shit and just talking and
not a fucking
plane in the sky that was one of the weirdest things
when they shut down all the flights
not a plane in the sky
speaking of
favor man he
has a new book out and he’s been actually doing really
yeah tour like that the morning show tour
all around the
country and stuff
him and his
other cookbook
yeah it’s a cookbook and he
writes it for camping
for like like gourmet food
while you’re camping and
stuff or outside and
i have never
eaten favorite
man’s food but i hear he’s a bad
motherfucker
got great chicken man
chicken i know what he puts on it but
yeah it’s crazy because i did
a i hit a window pane acid one
night when i was
why did they call
it was like a clear acid
it was like
it looked like a
piece of glass yeah
so i did it one night and
the people i
would the one guy i was with
freaked out it was a
monday night football game and he goes bro i
gotta go home i know i fucking go home
i guess i’ll trip solo
so i went and i know i
call for a buddy man
knock on his door his dad answers
he’s like joey come on in
i’m like a mr bender
i cannot come on and have a soda
wait for at least
should be back from the gym or something
so i sit down and i’m sitting there
tripping my ass off
watching fucking
monday night football with him
and he’s telling me
about the stats of the game it was a jet game
and i’m sitting in his dark he
watch the tv in the dark
and all sudden how it goes
out comes on he goes
i like to report something
john lennon has just been shot in
front of the dakotas
and here i am
tripping on this fucking acid
and i’m flying by this time and he’s
watching tv in the darkness
and he’s talking
about and i’m thinking
about john lennon
getting shot
reports are
coming in he’s getting just got shot in dakota
will keep you posted oh my god america i have a sad
former beetle and he just went into the
speech you could hear it on youtube
but i’ll never forget sitting there
thinking to myself
you know like
because when you when you’re
tripping you really can’t comprehend
the thought
and they go through you it’s like john lennon
got shot and they
shoot the other beatles
well i hope they shut off you know
just keep fucking going
and you can’t stop
these fucking thoughts
but that was
what happened to me that day like i just want to
call for brian
and he’s like
brian’s at playing at his league
but if you want to sit and
watch the game
it’s weird when you remember when people died
the jolt like what is it what is
about memory that some memories
are so much more potent than others
some memories just stay forever they’re just locked in
and you just don’t get rid of them you remember
where you were sitting
you remember what the room looked like or you
think you remember what the room looked like i bet it
would be a little
bit different if you actually saw it in real life
but when people died like
i remember i was at my
girlfriend’s
house when i was like 18
and the space shuttle challenger
blew up and i
watched it blow up on tv
and i didn’t realize what had happened
while i was
flying through the i’m not sure if i saw a replay of it
or if i saw it live
but i didn’t
know what was happening and then it blew up
and then i realized
what they were showing
and then i had to turn the volume up and i’m
watching this
i’m like holy shit like it blew up in the sky but like
i can see the carpet
i can see the walls of her room i mean i can see the
whole thing
i remember everything it’s like it’s locked in on me
you know what is that why
how come i mean
is it just do we not have enough capacity
to remember shit like that
all the time i don’t know if it’s that or what because
sometimes that kind of shit pops out of nowhere though
like it wasn’t deleted
like oh my god i forgot all
about that and
all these memories come rushing in
like out of nowhere so
it’s almost wonder
makes me wonder if there is a drug or something that
could just open all the doors
and open all the memory and
give you access to all
the files i’ve been taking this five
htp what is that shit from gnc
where it’s supposed to be
pumping more
serotonin serotonin
and stuff like it were
i’ve been only taking it like for a week
but immediately
i already find my mind working better in memory
really yeah
in happiness i feel like
like more of course there’s
other reasons too probably
you know i said chris and i are coming up with
a like a supplement line we’re
gonna figure
out all the best shit like we’re working on it
right now he is working on it
and we’re gonna have
pills where it’s all of the best vitamins
for mental throw that shit in function
throw that shit in there if you can
5 hd you know i’m talking
about that i’ve
never done it before but you know what i’m talking
about i take a
bunch of different
stuff but that’s not one of them
i tell you what exercises me is what i really write
about a situation
when i sit down i go okay
today i’m gonna
write about
the time i tried out for
freshman football
and even though i had no fucking idea
about it and then the memories come back and
everything everything in that genre
yeah everything in that
genre that maybe had to do with music
music when we’re driving stuff yeah
nobody ever gets teary eyed in the car
you hear a song man my
buddy johnny b
yeah my best friend who died
i would never hear van morrison
marvelous night for a moon dance
that was like his
song we would go to the diner
these diners you
know in new york they’re all a lot of them are open 24
hours they have this
thing here like this that you
spin around a little bit yeah and they had the fucking
thing where you can pick the songs to listen to
you put a couple
quarters in there and you can play songs
at your table
yeah you have like little shitty
tinny speakers
and we’d be
eating cheeseburger deluxes at
three o’clock in the morning
after playing pool
and he would play
moon dance so now it
doesn’t matter
where i am i was in germany
i was in germany in the
hotel and it’s playing in the
lobby marvelous
night for a moon
dance and i’m like mom
so you just
think about that dude
things get stuck in there man
but you know what nothing gets
stuck in there my act
you know my old material
shit when some of the people like yell out at a show
like i’ve had that a
bunch of times
especially when i was doing the q amp a
which i haven’t been doing recently
because i’m
trying to do more like a tighter hard i like your
set i like it tighter
i do too you know
i thought of that
after i saw norton
i saw norton in
austin and killed he had a
great set and
he only did like 50 minutes
and i thought
about it i’m like man that’s
all you need to do like
these hour and a half sets that i’m doing two hour sets
and a lot of it is just
q amp a some people like it but some people feel
obligated to
stick around like
it’s just like
it’s too much attention that you’re asking for
tell me your show is over and then do the q amp a maybe
i’m gonna figure out another way to do q amp a
maybe do a night
where it’s just q amp a
where it’s not you know
make it real
cheap you know just to pay for the room
and make it so that like
one night maybe there’s not a
stand up show it’s a q amp a show
because it’s like
it’s a little indulgent
but anyway my
point is when people yell out shit and they yell out
do this bit do like noah’s
ark or something like that man
i fucking forget a lot of them
like if you yelled out anna nicole smith
it’s one of my best bits ever
but if i go back and
try to figure out how to do it now i’ll fuck it up
you didn’t know his arc pretty good the
other day i saw you
pull that out because i was baked as
jesus i was
jesus on an asteroid
i even forgot
it i can’t believe i remembered it because that was the
first time i had done it in years and this guy
asked for it i was like wow
i don’t even know if i can do this
but i did it and closed with it but
that was a mistake in
vegas too to do a q amp a in
front of 2 000 fucking people there’s just too
many people there’s too many people yelling shit out
if i was gonna do something like that i had to do with
microphones like have like a
little line like we did in columbus when we did the the
dvd when is
ufc coming back to columbus are they ever
gonna come i don’t
think we are
maybe in the future but
we just did
strike they did
strike force
did the last columbus show the arnold was just
two weeks ago when
yeah it was always a cool week and you had the arnold
show fuck yeah it was awesome
yeah that’s why i did my special yeah i love the
club that’s a
funny bones great
did the theater that i did too was um
was it called
again the southern theater
yeah the theater
that we filmed
the special and may west used to perform there
and fucking groucho marx wow
oh no no no not groucho marx
wc fields wc
fields in may west performed there
what the fuck man
that’s some history
that’s amazing imagine trying to be an actor back then
how fucking
tough it must have been
i mean shit there’s
there’s no internet
does i mean you got to get picked to do
things you got to get picked the the
state you know
studio has to choose you
that’s probably there must have been so much chickenery
going on back then what’s that chickenery
um like in appropriate behavior
it was different that it was inappropriate
i like how you
threw out words like like like an african
sometimes you like me the
maximation proximation
oh like an african person
or the really
huge words sometime i’m like what
not your chicanor
that’s not even intelligent word it’s a
silly word i
think it’s like a
slang term yeah but that’s that’s
way different
vocabulary than i but joey do
you did you know what that word was no
what i’m trying to say
i don’t remember what the fuck i was trying to say
we’re trying to say
about how hard it
was it’s so weird because
if you talk to people from them like even
hollywood was different then they’d move you out here
and you and you suck everyone’s dick
and then they give you a script
and a loaf of bread
they gave you a paycheck every week
and you just
gotta sign different films all those
guys that you see from the 60s and 50s that were here
they all lived in burbank
burbank all
those houses that look the same shit you remember all
those movies
about like jfk
like they always have
those blondes
that were with
jfk that were like sort of semi disposable
they would always be like hanging around but they
never really addressed them right
that’s like ninety percent of what came to hollywood
people came here
lost looking to
stick some people stuck
the people that did
stick all the
other people said look they stuck
they stuck look that this will
still think
they stuck they’re
still there
they’re famous
and they get sucked into the system
and wind up being one of
those little
quiet girls and jfk’s arm yeah
that still happens
today huh fuck yeah it does
that’s this is it man this is the land of dreams
this is the strangest fucking
place on earth
this is the
place where
you go to maximize how many people who know who you are
what yeah that you can make a living
just on that now
you got to suck a little dick and do something
where people pay attention to you on the internet like
kim kardashian
but basically she
started out
blowing her boyfriend and fucking them
on the internet in
videos obviously produced
videos you know obviously produced oh
absolutely and then
she’s fucking you know
macy’s now she’s signing perfume bottles at macy’s
i was in australia
and there was a fucking billboard with kim
kardashian on it in australia
she goes around the
world we’re
good for her yeah i figured
whatever i mean she’s not it’s not
a baby it’s not a
baby landing
yeah there’s nothing
wrong but it’s
fascinating that this is the spot
where all this goes down this is the spot
where everybody comes to make something happen
comes to get some attention
there’s a lot of people that fall through the cracks
you know there’s a lot of
victims in this fucking town
so how many
people have come and
god since you’ve been here a lot
have you have you ever gotten
facebook and say hey yeah you like
those are creepy what the
fuck happened to that guy
cause i forget
about half the people i
moved to upstate new york remember lazlo fishing
remember lazlo lazlo
he used to hang out at the comedy
store all the time
a long time ago lazlo he
moved to florida
anyway never mind
somebody just
slipped away
used to talk to him
like every week
why don’t i not remember that guy
i remember i don’t remember what he looked like but i
remember the name what was the town coordinator when we
first got to the
store scott day
he hits me up he’s like in fucking jerusalem
i’m walking through europe right now
people have
come and gone
that had big plans and deals and yeah nineteen
scripts and i met with pacino last week
these motherfuckers are gone
jack we seen a lot of that
fucking real estate
i got an email last week on my regular
email from some
dude i call him back and i’m like hey how you doing
he was my first manager
whoa and he was a filth
his family was filthy rich
and he went back to sell real
estate he’s like hey man i’m just calling you because
i’m opening up comedy clubs
again what i’m talking
about he goes the bottom fell out
but it’s amazing that i forgot all
about that fucking dude
that was ten fucking years ago
yeah some people just decide it’s not for them what if
i was too much stress
that we were friends with that one day oh
disappeared
but we were friends how many friends have we had that
a lot how many
people with talent
people that came to the
store so i got a
script i just sold and you got
boom four year
later like oh no i’m doing
radio in wisconsin
what the fuck
you would just sell the
script the paramount
it’s amazing
how many people come and go through here
and get spit up dude there’s so many how
about guys with
talent how about mike
rico huh how
about mike rico
mike rico when i
started out in 1994 mike rico was a
funny fucking comic
he’s still a
funny guy i’m sure
i saw when i saw mike rick at the
store i remember thinking
we were probably around the same
age or something
and i remember
thinking this fucking guy’s
gonna be huge
this guy’s funny he’s
funny he’s confident up there
he’d already had the
article written
about them when i went to the
store there was like an
article that was framed like in the lobby
like a little article
about mike ricker
i think this guy’s
gonna fucking take off but for whatever fucking reason
the pieces don’t fall in the right
order you know
it was just amazing it was a
weird chelsea
hotel yeah chelsea handler
was up there with us from day one
she’s going gangbusters now that
crazy bitch
look at her she’s got like sitcoms and
she’s got her own fucking show like a reality show
about her show
so she’s get her show and then she’s got a reality show
about herself
good for her
i hope she’s the white
drunk oprah
that’s what i hope
you look good for her you know i
heard was on that reality show
about chelsea
the girl from
denver that
the assistant
oh really awesome she’s one of the characters
yeah she’s a
girl from denver
remember the assistant that used to always
drive us around where the
comedy works
yeah i do remember but why am i
blanking out her name
eve eve eva eva eva
jesus christ yeah
um yeah she’s awesome she works for chelsea handler now
yeah you know
i’m fucking i’m always
happy when someone
figures out a way to make it through the the
crazy net that you know
that though
the like the
salmon ladder or whatever the fuck it is to get to
the top you know i’m always fascinated you know really
weird like the people that i thought were gonna be
fucking stars
how about people like dane cook
you know i would have
never guessed that dane cook
would have hit the way he hit
no disrespect
it just i mean i knew it i
couldn’t believe that he
dude you knew that he was
gonna get that big i knew it by one conversation we had
after he went to the lap stop really
in front of the
laugh factory i said to him what did you
think of the lap stop and he goes bro
it was good
but it was too
much fucking work i got to figure out how to narrow it
until one night
and i knew right there
after i could that was a year before he hit her too
doing a whole
month that was before the
whole weekend
yeah he was like that’s just bullshit
huh that’s just garbage so you knew he was
gonna be that huge though how
could you have
predicted that that’s i just had a feeling you just
had all the
arrows were
pointed at him
i didn’t know he was
gonna sell out master
square garden
twice and do a fucking that job
that i you know he’s the
first guy that ever
figured out
how to really connect with people over the internet
you know that guy
still to this day is constantly answering
emails constantly
connecting with people uses that say now
thing gets on that gets on twitter
that’s why this twitter
that’s why this facebook for people to
connect with
these guys that’s why this
is podcast is
a fame i mean we
started out this podcast
brian and i were just sitting in
front of a laptop
with fucking snow falling remember we have
gay visual effects
let’s try snowflakes
okay let’s try rain let’s have a
spinning apple yeah it’s amazing let’s go
black and red
this economy what’s
going on right now
you could do stand up
you know all the time but
you need to
open up different doors for yourself and this is where
this comes in the podcast
well you know
definitely when you know
where the podcast really
comes in it comes in for everybody else it comes in
for all these
other people that don’t have people like us around them
you know it
sounds arrogant but i mean there’s a lot
of people out there that live in shitty neighborhoods
and they have dumb friends and they don’t have nobody
to really connect with
where they feel like
you know these people are also growing
along with them like they’re all growing
together there’s a lot of people that don’t have that
they just don’t
it’s not available
so this podcast
gives them an alternative way to look at
things gives them
a way to see
how all of us in our own lives are overcoming
adversity and dealing with situations and being honest
about ourselves and honest
about our friends and honest
about life and
that inspires an
ethic and that inspires
other people to be like minded
and that’s where it helps it helps everybody it
doesn’t just help like
fill comedy clubs
and you know get people to buy
your book or get people to come see you in rochester
it also helps them
you know this shit all helps everybody
well i’ll tell you what when i really got into
this and when i came on your podcast and as you know
people always ask when i’m
gonna come on your podcast for me bro
i’ve always hated
radio if you’ve noticed on the road i don’t show up the
radio yeah you don’t you don’t like to do it
i don’t want to
hear that shit well it’s awesome i don’t want to hear
about you promoting
i want to hear
about you talking
and that’s what
the podcast avenue has done for all of us
that’s why there’s
people who come here and do well on your podcast
and those people
who come up here want to sell jokes on a date
i don’t want to sell rock
chests i don’t want to sell the
other place
i came up here to open up
about what’s on my mind
today or weekly
i don’t come
here though that’s why i don’t like doing this shit
that’s why i didn’t like we’re doing radio
so tell us why you don’t
like flying and i
gotta go into a joke
like comics unleash go fuck yourself
i wanna be me dog
i wanna talk
about the long shot i owe the flowers gonna be
that’s what this entails
that’s why i hate
radio that’s why i hate
going down there with
these fucking fake emcees that
try to be fun
can you write
down what lead ins when was the last time i came here
and fucking illegal
get the fuck out of my face
come in here and talk
to us from the heart
and that’s what a podcast is and you see it
and your podcast builders
people come up
and they try to force the
funny and the podcast don’t work and you know don’t
force the fucking
funny and on the
other end of it
and the other end of it i get
emails twitter messages and facebook
messages from some really fucking cool people some
interesting people
and you get something out
of it when you connect with them and we’re all getting
something out of it i was in san
diego with moon doggies
and the nicest guy
in san diego art com
he drew a picture of charles bronson for me
wow he sent it
to me in the mail this is fucking beautiful
with him with his hat
and we’ve become
friends like he shows up to the gigs of san diego
we smoked a bon
og last night out of the lot
and it was just
great to connect with somebody
i mean listen there’s good and bad on
piano and whatever is for sure
be cute try to insult you
but deep down inside
especially with the podcast
i’ve always
tried to put myself in this way
so if you don’t like people mugging fucking faggots
don’t listen to me don’t come to my fucking show
this is what i did this who i am now
let’s work it out or go fuck yourself
and a lot of people like the honesty
and they come out
and you know what if you come out i always talk to you
i don’t like smoking dope with everybody because next
thing you know
you’re out of your mind on the way home you
smoke 80 joints you
smoke everybody
but i like meeting people this is part of this
fucking business you know it’s interesting though the
connection between
human beings is
becoming you know it’s
becoming more
and more expansive
you know it’s like you you have
a network of people that you interact with now and you
could just develop a really cool network
and only be around really cool people for the most part
like twitter overwhelmingly
i’ve got like
280 something thousand people on there now
overwhelmingly nice
overwhelmingly it’s very rare
that someone
will say something douchey to me on twitter
when they do you just
block them so you just
click a link link
block it’s like really simple
and then you don’t have to deal with that guy anymore
and then you’re nice to everybody
and they’re nice to you and you try to fucking
you know have a little exchange
every day people are sending me cool shit on twitter
every day some
new fucking
thing on the
earthquake or new you know
video of a tsunami or new
you know crazy
monkey that they
found in liberia
or whatever you know what i mean it’s like
every day there’s
some new fascinating shit it’s a network unlike
any other i’ve
never there’s
never been a time
where you had so much
access to interesting people and information and ideas
never you know we were kids
and we liked the band
there was none of this
we knew it from the
album covers and the
sleeve of an
album yeah when we pay for
their tickets or an interview on television
nobody ever got
this personal and this down and
dirty with people
never know this is this no
and this is why i do
these things this is why i come up here with you guys
i do the podcast
where they’re not fake
that’s why people love you too i don’t want
to be that’s why
fake comedy
guide dog that’s not my bag
i know that shit
grew up here talking
about what’s in my
heart and what’s in
my by the way i was
thinking of you guys
today not in a
sexual way but
this morning i had to take a nap
cause i got home late last
night i went to the
wire this morning i got home late 10
i had taken a nap when i was in
bed i got like erotic
and i wanted to bang one up
so i banged one out but it
was on my bed so i couldn’t come because then my wife
would know that came on my side of the bed
so i’m like what am i
gonna wipe this with so i had a sock on
i wanted to like pigeon
pose and i took the sock off
just cause i always hold the top of the egg roll
me too so it
doesn’t slow me too
yeah he thinks that’s
crazy he never
heard that before one of the pigeon
pose i help you hold the top of the turtleneck so it
doesn’t blow up like a volcano
right and i
just came in for the sock but then it was fucked up
i threw the sock on the
floor and i woke up and i went to put it on
my sock wet
and take a fucking shower
and shit like a
pig the dog
both of you to put on a sock
would come on it don’t sit there and go
yeah so you
pinch it too like at the top and keep it like a little
pool like a kiddie
pool i’m on
second size no
oh you’re uncircumcised yes it looks like a bowl
oh all right let’s not talk
about it just
loads up and i just go
and it’s like you’re spider man
only he didn’t know
he’s been talking
about being uncircumcised right
i try to forget it’s like
spoiler alert nope
spoiler alert disgusting people
have you ever thought about maybe getting it now
yeah yeah yeah that’s what i want to do it
getting my dick cut at fifty
twenty two years
the fuck is wrong with you
brian at this
point who gives a fuck it’s supposed to feel better
when you have the
skin over it fucking feels great if i had a boy bro i
would absolutely not have them cut fuck that
fuck that have you
talked to girls about that
most girls think it’s disgusting well fuck them
tough shit for the
crazy bitches they’re all crazy
bitches you’re better off without them when my dick is
swollen listen they’re not
gonna see my dick when it’s dead
they’re gonna see it in full
effect you just
pull the skin back and all they see is the helmet
anyway can you like tie in a knot or anything like that
right there was a girl that used to
fuck i forget her name but she
used to hang out with one of the girls at the comedy
store and she was she was having a dilemma
because she was dating a guy at
first for the
first time was uncircumcised
and she didn’t like the way it felt in her
mouth what she’s
drinking and she was telling everybody i just
i really like them
but just don’t
it feels like like skin in my mouth
it probably feels like those
like a little rubber
things meant of those
things that you try to hold but you can’t
hold it is like a little rubber
thing filled with
water it’s like a toy and you
never mind no brian
you would have
known what it was so you really
would cut your dick just so girls
would like it like what if you were
uncertain size i
think it’s fucking
just gross looking
i think it’s dirty
i think it’s
how’s it dirty it looks like your dick with a condom on
it wash exactly
if your dick is
cleaner it’s not wash it
the fuck you talking
about there’s more
you have more disease when you have that
no that’s some propaganda to use app
for cause if
that filthy
motherfucker
if you fuck a chicken don’t
watch it it looks like an elephant trunk
cause you know that’s what that song evil boys about
yeah evil boys
about they want
to like there’s a tradition and they come a man
they go and circumcise them with a fucking
rusty knife out in the woods
that’s why i was like
you know my my dicks only for penis my
penis brother is only for girls it’s not for men
you know what’s this
evil boy he
circumcisor
d ant word it’s a
it’s a great fucking song
you know please pull it up pull it up
no i don’t wanna hear that shit
right now let’s do it no
you don’t wanna hear it
it’s good it’s a good goddamn song
but it’s about
the traditions of cutting people’s skins off
their dick it’s
ridiculous it’s
stupid did you
notice like throughout that song there’s a lot of
references to south park
what kyle’s mom’s a big fat bitch
is that what it is that who it is yeah
it’s kyle’s mom kyle’s mom’s a big fat
bitch because that’s what um
part cartman
would say yeah wow
i didn’t even realize that i thought she was talking
about someone she knew
that’s what i thought too
but it’s a south park thing wow
see look at that kids growing up in
south africa getting some south park influence
yeah it’s weird
that is funny though yeah
south park just get the most
reach ever there’s
never been a show
like that before it’s been on for this many years and
still good do you ever watch it
joey it’s for
sure watch it but i’m an
adult that’s
you like family guy
i like family
guy from time to time but i won’t sit there
what the fuck is
wrong with you
you like family guy but you won’t
watch south park
i don’t want
it’s not that i like it it’s that i
watch it if i got ten minutes did you see team america
you didn’t see
team america
bro i wish i
could do that
i wish we could do that
erase movies
through your head so you can rewatch it
again yeah wow
my mom died when i was 14 i
became a man i thought there was no fucking games thug
i didn’t play
i played monopoly
two weeks ago
we’re talking to a guy
smokes pot all
day and plays with his cat listen though he’s talking
about like the navy seal out
there with a knife
in his mouth
crawling through the desert
i’ve never played
games i don’t even know how to play fucking cards okay
i don’t have that time that luxury either
you can play pool i think
maybe because
that’s what
my mom’s bought
and i was dead that’s how i babysat
myself by playing pool but
i’ve never been a cartoon guy like popeye dog
once you’re 18
you know we
grow up eventually and you know you move on it’s cute
but you gotta go out it’s a fucking man’s
world like james
brown said you know what i’m saying doug
it is that’s why i’m
happy about
going to new york in the next four days i’m
gonna hang out with men
for a couple fucking days damn you guys there ain’t no
fucking iphones and i’m
gonna die on the there ain’t no fucking
twitters there ain’t none of that shit i’m
gonna go hang out
with my buddies like we’re up with for a couple days
it’s a different
place over there
you know you really realize that once you’ve
lived here for a few years and you know
after a while
you get comfortable with wherever the fuck you are
but there’s a different
thing over there’s
just as many douchebags over here as over there
but they pretend to be nicer over here
listen bro i got my people that i’ve
known since i was a fucking kid that was in trouble
those are the
still people i hang out with 40 years
later i trust
those people what do you
think it is though
about people over there
where there’s you know everybody always uses the cliche
oh they’re real people on the east
coast are real what the what is that is the weather
the weather make them do that
what is it people are real and fake fucking everywhere
right i got fake
motherfucking friends here
sure and i got
motherfuckers who’ll get
stabbed from me here too and i got the
same back home
right but don’t you
think the height percentage
is higher in new york of real people
cause i do i
think they’re yeah
i think there’s more real people in in the east coast
than they’re
right here i
think there’s a lot of
silly fucks
goofy fucks come out here from the east
coast there’s a lot of that
these are the creative arts
yeah but i mean there’s a lot of real people here too
i’m saying it’s not like a it’s
generalizations like it’s not like it’s
one side is
really people always try to play that card each
coast is real west
coast is quick
now there’s plenty of real people on the west
coast too but i
think the percentage in
manhattan has tons of little cunts in manhattan oh yeah
of course it’s just like this
sunset bullshit
little young kids
drinking water
drinking five hour energy like that this
still dudes living in jersey
i know what you’re saying yeah i don’t want this
still i think long
island i think if you add it all up there’s
still more real oh no no
the suburbs is a
ton of shit
i grew up my buddies i love
my buddies they were there for me when i needed them
the most and they’re
still fucking there you follow me
i’m going home for five days to
smoke some dope
i already flew it over there it’s flown already
they got a ounce of
earthquake and an
ounce of fucking moon rocks
over there and i’m taking the sour diesel with me i got
i got a sativa
now at the fucking nocc
they got a god
a deer side with
diesel that’s so fucking strong dog
so i’m just
going back to
smoke dope are you
worried at all
about all this shit that’s happening
are you worried at all
about all these fucking
people in the middle east they’re trying to overthrow
their government all
these different
countries that are
fighting my
votes fucking
this is where
2012 is is it real the end of the
world is not coming
2012 is this is all this shit’s
gonna go somewhere this radiation is
gonna leak where
these people
gonna fucking go
this is all
about adjustment
what’s our next fucking move now at the 212
we might not be able to drink the
water ever again
there’s something something’s
gotta work you know we
might not what’s
gonna happen there we’re
gonna have to all
drink bottled
water half of the
ocean is contaminated
with the oil yeah you take
a shower japan
you should do you
should just have a room
where you just get a couple
extra bottles like
arrowhead every week
you know and just yeah
maybe you can
do it if there’s
you know if something really bad happens you
gotta get the fuck out of here you know
that’s the reality the reality is
california is massively overpopulated
and everyone is playing
musical chairs
and everyone is hoping that that fucking
music doesn’t stop on
their watch they’re hoping that somehow or another
they’re safely in the
backyard not near any trees when the shit hits the fan
just taking a
guess just hoping well nothing’s happened since 94
yeah but if you look over the course of
human history 94 is a
blink of an eye
if you look over the course of the history of the
world it’s not even that
there’s a lot of shit that’s
going to happen to this place this
was not shaped like this
when you look out the window and you see
those mountains
they weren’t
made with a mold
right that’s the lava and the fucking ground moving and
tectonic plate
shifting and you know
there’s a reason why it’s 12 000 fucking feet
above sea level
that shit rocketed
over the course of who knows how long it changes
and we know that the entire
earth supposedly
had one content that’s the
whole pangea theory
that there was one continent and they split up
because of all
sorts of different events and became africa and
north america
some shit’s happening we just got off
threw off our rotation a little bit from that last
earthquake the fuck’s that
gonna happen japan
moved eight feet
yeah the shore
moved eight feet
dude there’s a
there’s a divide somewhere out
there they said that’s 270
miles long and 50 miles wide
where the actual epicenter
of the earthquake was
what happened was beyond our
comprehension
and yet still nothing
in comparison to shit that’s happened before
they still don’t know what the fuck stopped the ice
age of the ice
age was just 10 000 years ago
which is nothing
10 000 years ago
most of north america was
under a mile high
sheet of ice
wrap your fucking head around that canada ice
all the fucking
north dakota
south that shit was a mile high of ice
woolly mammoths were running around
saber to tigers and shit
it was a totally different world
just 10 000 years ago
what that ain’t global warming because of humans
you know what
caused that
would cause that
radical change
in the atmosphere they don’t know what if
it just keeps on getting hotter and hotter and it turns
into a sun and like the sun was like the last earth
that stupid thing
they know more than that
you know he just
this is like shit that you
would say when you were
fourteen before you even went to any science classes
what if the
earth becomes like a person what is hey
stop polluting my
water man it
doesn’t take a fucking
genius to tell you that the
earth the next one
is either here
or seattle oregon
yeah fucking
genius and tell you that yeah you know
this whole this
whole west coast
all we could do is pray for vancouver
it could be
you bitches
with iphones you better make sure that shit hooks up
let’s see if you got an app for your fucking
earthquake whoa
they do have
that they do have
great apps for
quick apps yeah
tell you where the
earthquakes are
great maps it has notifications notifications
that’s gonna be here
like ten minutes before
call me cause that’s
the fucking app i need well you just need to get a dog
you just need to get a dog and
sit really close to
the fucking
trench yeah
ultimately what can we do though
what can we do do we escape
do we live like
survivalists and move to the fucking mojave
and you know buy
space in one of
those underground bunkers that you can
you know you want
to get probably go to the middle of the country like
texas how do we know
texas austin
texas well what if that’s
where the fucking asteroid hits
yeah well one
thing about
texas is you know they’re
gonna go down
swinging yeah yeah
and it’s most protected by land
that the mexicans
were going down
well i like
texas and i like austin i
would totally be down with
texas and they just do something
about their fucking weed laws
their weed laws are so ridiculous
no you get weed you don’t
trust me you don’t get the same weed
i have friends in our
days you do
no you don’t you can’t get sativas bro not the
shoe why couldn’t they
grow the way we
got i don’t
think people
grow sativas
it ain’t easy bro
it ain’t easy and it’s not the same yield
the reason why people grow sativas is because there’s a
bunch of people here that are connoisseurs
and that’s what they want
and the people that are growing it want it
but the people that are just looking to make
money it takes
more time to grow sativas
than it does into goods
and they have to be
grown indoors you
can’t grow them outdoors here
yeah i know but there’s weed
snobs in texas i’m sure there are
dude but it ain’t that
easy to find
can i get up at 7
30 in the morning hey
and go buy a bag of dope with
an attorney and a construction worker and eat a bagel
that’s the question hey
you know what as long as nobody else
does this i’m
gonna weigh this just buy more weed
no i’m gonna weigh
that no you’re
wrong brian because you
gotta deal with drug dealers you
gotta deal with people that are willing to go to jail
because they’re selling weed
and that’s the
reality of the situation ninety nine percent but
that’s what we’re doing
last night yeah
it’s okay i
never had a
problem that worked
yeah but it ain’t as good as what we got now you know
tech if you want to live in
texas you can live in
texas yeah i
think it’s fine
i mean you know yeah you
could figure out a way to get
that’s about
where the fuck i
lived and control weed i’m talking
yeah you know you do you hire some kid who’s like
a fucking buy a big
house and grow
a couple plants
bro you hire some
kid who’s like a pa on a set
listen buddy you
wanna make a
quick thousand bucks
and you give him 5 000
with a weed you
take him to his body and you put him on a greyhound bus
i used to i mean i used to grow in my
closet in ohio you know and it fucking was
great it was awesome weed
i’ve always
been awesome seeds i’ve always been a real
motherfucking head
this is day one guys
so the people
i ran with were real heads and we attract each
other when i live in colorado
that’s some of the wildest fucking
weed i got in aspen and that high altitude in boulder
but the people i ran with were heads
people who understand that concept
yeah like minded
people will find like when i find people i
could tell when
somebody’s a professional i can tell a fucking amateur
and when you run
into a fucking professional pot smoker
just a look is as good as a wink to a blind or
they just give you that look
a real we got
a pull you over like i did with that dude
i didn’t know this
motherfucker
i didn’t know but that’s a nigger that i fucking am
i said to him you look hot you look like this man
looked at me like i was a fucking
genie he’s like
how’d you know i left it on the dresser
right there i went in my pot game a butter we
a professional you mean
i would say
did you take this out of your balls oh my god
he’s a professional whoa
come on i’m
gonna put this in
a fuck about you
that’s the truth
you’d say i can’t believe
it came out of your book no
a professional pot smoker
oh look at that butt in ohio and go
you’re a bad
motherfucker dog
thank you wow
we don’t think
i got news for you joey i don’t
think i’m a professional platformer
this is 30 years though
this is crazy
i got news for you if you
pull the butt out of your balls i’ve been like no you
be home in five
hours you smoke weed
before that was in my nuts
so have you
big fucking deal
that’s a professional dog
i don’t play that
stupid nonsense
shit could you imagine joey
coming up tonight
could you really though
imagine joey coming up to you and go hey guys i got
some weed in my balls do you want it i don’t say that
when you’re in a fucking airport and your way i
go outside and get some
air you’re a professional you left your weed at home
maybe can you
wait for fucking three
hours and all sudden
trust me bro
a professional weed
there’s a lot of people
never let you
leave their
house without weed
there’s things professionals do dog that they know
you call a professional
two in the morning go
i can’t sleep
they’ll say come over here and get high with you
they will not not answer the fucking
phone professionals are different
do you take days off
yeah every once in a while like
sundays or a saturday i’ll take it off take the
whole day off
how do you feel when you sober
like a fucking
moron like a fucking idiot i
can’t focus
i’m walking around confused no i
gotta be honest
it’s kind of nice to take a couple days off yeah
it’s kind of nice i take many days off in a row
but i still like getting high at
night like sometimes at
night just to sizzle
it you know when i don’t take off when i’m writing
i don’t write
i write high
you gotta write high
i write high
every time i get goofy
well i don’t
i do write high i mean i do
write sober sometimes
especially when i wake
up in the morning a lot of times i do revisions and
things and i like to review it
from a bunch of different
states but when i
write highland it’s like
there’s a symphony
playing in my mind
you know it’s like there’s
music and music comes through
these words and there’s like lights
and fucking there’s dancing
going on in
my head when i’m high there’s a lot of shit happening
when i’m sober i’m like
slowly piecing it together
it’s like the difference between typing
with your fingers when you don’t know how to type
when you’re just
using your index finger and you go on t h it’s n
when you can type when you don’t even have to look
you know like
right now i can type
i don’t have to look at the keys i know how to type
especially if i get
loose and i get relaxed
it’s that much of a difference
it’s like it flows it’s like
it connects you to
whatever the
fuck it is whatever it is that makes you creative
it connects you to it better
when i write when i write
i like to be
stoned when i
write the one
man show i like to be a little on the straight side
really are you
still writing you know
you did that a
bunch of times no no this
is complete this is real deal this is from the time
i came from
cuba to me finding this is a new one that you doing
i’m doing the workshop april 20
where at where
i’m doing in
north hollywood and i got a producer to
put some money up and do it like in hollywood nice i’m
gonna really rock the house man
april 20th huh yeah it’s a
thursday night
and where’s it at
again say it’s it’s
i’m gonna do that this theater in lancashire
just for 40 people you know just to
get the writing down
and have people make notes and say joey i like this
but i didn’t like this you know
april 20th is that what you said it’s a
thursday night i think
it’s a wednesday
it’s a wednesday
night no it’s a
21st 21st yeah
thursday night yeah
okay well i’m
gonna go then that you know it’s really weird when
and that’s what
i do when i’m having a hard time writing comedy i
write the one man show and i get myself in a different
state like it says
the one man show is a little sadder
it’s about my you know i’m saying it’s
about what was
going up as a kid
so you try to find the
humor in it and
sometimes it’s pretty fucking cool
dude there’s another
quake that just hit chili
there you go bitches what
number santiago
and santiago
chili what number
i don’t know
i don’t know
and i got it
yesterday that said that
some guy predicted
from some weather
thing that it was
gonna either be on the 16th
or the 17th is
gonna be another
earthquake so he was money
he was fucking
money said another
earthquake was
definitely gonna happen on the 16th
today’s the
motherfucking 16th
this fucking this thing in
japan with this nuclear reactor is freaking me out
you know and here’s what’s freaking me out
they didn’t know what to do if the
power went off they had like
eight hours of backup and then
it starts a meltdown
because they can’t cool the rods
so they’re pumping
ocean water onto the rods to try to cool them off
i can’t believe that
this is how they design these things
you’re living in a place where
earthquakes happen all the time
now if an earthquake happens and the
power goes out and something goes wrong
you can’t you don’t have a way to cool this fucking
thing isn’t the ocean water work though
no not really i mean it’s doing okay
it’s keeping it from
fucking exploding and blowing a hole through the
earth right
what they’re doing right now is real dangerous because
all this shit is gonna get into the
atmosphere all this radiation they can’t really contain
right i mean
unless they’re gonna figure out a way to
drop some sort of a gigantic dome over the
whole area and seal it off
you know a giant led dome
how the fuck are they
gonna stop this radiation from getting out into the
atmosphere what’s the worst
thing that what’s the
worst case scenario you’re looking
i don’t know they’re talking about this
see they tried to downplay
it at first saying that it’s
gonna be fine
but now there’s on cnn there’s a new
official report
this guy says that
spent fuel rods are exposed and it heightens concerns
so spent fuel rods in unifor
of japan’s stricken
fukushima diege
nuclear power
plant have been
exposed resulting in the emission of extremely high
levels of radiation
the head of the new york
the nuclear
regulatory commission
said on wednesday this is fucking dangerous shit man
and what’s scary is we have
these things all over the
place there’s like
150 of these in this country
maybe it will
morph like get into the human
i don’t know like
do you see the map
of the radiation like it’s gonna hit
california i don’t know if that’s legit is that
legit i don’t know it’s not
gonna hit california
well how do you know way the same is that
not for real really i don’t know i don’t know what
i don’t know how it carries
what now what direction is like you know it’s sad
about japan that they have that
that place called okinawa
where it’s beautiful and it’s the
place in the
earth where
the people live the longest
well until like they’re a hundred and something
that’s where that
coral calcium
fad came from
right i don’t
think if they don’t
know if it’s the fish don’t know if it’s the island
you know and
it just kills me that that’s the end of that fucking
party because
that’s it that’s all
gonna be contaminated
right the radiations
gonna make yeah what is
gonna happen
i mean that’s the
crazy thing
about nuclear powers like
yeah it works great
you know and
it’s better than coal because coal totally fucks up the
atmosphere and creates
greenhouse gases and all that shit
but man when
nuclear goes bad it fucking really goes bad
i mean this is
the idea behind it is so crazy
you know with
nuclear powers i mean you’re harnessing like the very
power that like
the very thing that makes suns
the very power of the suns is
it’s all atomic
you know it’s like
you’re dealing
with shit that we don’t totally have control over yet
we have control over for periods of time
but the bottom line
about nuclear power is
no matter what you do
you got nuclear
waste and you got nuclear
waste that’s
gonna be around forever
and you gotta figure out a
place to put it
you know i mean that’s like what they do in nevada like
there’s always like
disputes and debates about
where to put this shit
that’s one of
the reasons why nevada got gambling why nevada was
allowed to have casinos
they let them blow bombs off in the fucking desert
shit let’s move
here’s the thing man move to where
when you get a
bunch of million people like we have in la
20 million people
well fuck man how are you gonna
power everything
you got a lot of refrigerators
going on man you got a lot of
gas machines pumping gas
you got a lot of
trucks that have
to drop off that gas you got a lot of shit happening
man imagine people
start leaving here if something bad does happen
the 170 the 4 oh my god
oh my god it’s impossible
bro we would all have to just walk
out of here
it would take days
of bumper to bumper traffic
to clear out la
days and days and days
no gas work
no one would be able to go far we’d all get
stuck in the desert and
cars would be broken down people
would be screaming
your car let me hear your car
maybe some zombie shit bro yeah it
would be some zombie
shit some road
warrior shit thank
god it’s really possible man it’s really possible
our society is incredibly fragile
and we’re starting to see it it’s like
this seems like a weird
thing that’s happening because like
every day things just
keep getting
weirder and weirder
it really does seem like we’re in a movie now
like this charlie sheen
thing happens and
even the kim kardashian
thing it’s all seems so surreal
and then as all this is going on
earthquake in chile
earthquake in new zealand
floods in australia and it’s just
constantly happening a million people
dying with the fish divers
where’s this piss test that that’s been pissed
nobody could find
diego silver
that earthquake and
chili’s only a five
point three that’s
an earthquake it’s still
earthquakes
every day i’m map free
somewhere along
five point three ain’t nothing
i’m scared so
joey diaz is
gonna be in new york this weekend for no
but we’re saying there’s a big difference
tell them what you were saying the
other day about northridge
that the 54 what’s the difference
between 54 every
point is 100
stronger than the preceding
point so 51 is
100 percent
stronger than a 50
that is crazy
crazy now the
crazy one is the one in alaska
apparently that happened in the 60s i
think it was i
think it was 65
it was a 92
so a 91 100
stronger than the one in japan
and it’s 100
stronger than that wow
god damn son
let me ask you something 9
2 for four fucking minutes that shit rocked no
thank you apparently
you could feel it in san francisco
that’s crazy
if right now
would have to happen in
japan if you were at home tonight
right and a five
point through your
earthquake you
think it’s the end
just when you
think starts yeah
i just drop
like fucking
i just get to my hands and knees and say impressed
oh i get the fuck out of my
house yes because i run right off
those people
chilly what they were
thinking five
point this is the beginning of the end
again they just got hit a year and a half ago not even
again and you know guys the
reality is that this is not the big concern this is one
small minor
thing that you can
avoid by not living on a fault line
the real concern is
super volcanoes and asteroids
those are the real concerns
cause there’s
hundreds of thousands of rocks out there in
space that can fuck up
everything yeah
and they’re flying around
and every now and then they collide with one another
and one of them gets hurled towards earth
and it slams
in and that’s a wrap that’s a wrap for this life
that’s a wrap for this
generation that’s a wrap for this developmental
cycle of biological matter
it’s all gonna have to regroup you have
nothing but rats
you know rats will survive a few mice and rats are
gonna be picking off
decaying flesh and
surviving on cannibalism
until they slowly
evolve over billions and billions of years
and that’s why you
wanna live in new york
or washington dc or la because the asteroid
if that really hit one of those
places that
would be too cheesy you know
i wouldn’t hit la because it’s too
cheesy because that’s what you expect
you would expect it to do that so what
even one even one
like the one in nevada where you can go
visit that crater
you know that
crater was you know that wasn’t that long ago
it was you know i
think it was like 100 000 years ago or 80 000 years ago
when that fucking
thing hit man it probably killed
everything within
miles and miles
you know it’s a half a mile
long the crater i think
or a mile maybe
whatever the fuck it is i mean
that thing must
have killed so many fucking people or so many
things whatever was near it
and when you think
about something like that landing
right in the middle of la like
right in the middle of downtown
that’s crazy fuck
just a half a mile wide
crater right
where downtown la used to be nothing’s there
boom just a bowl a bowl and
everything out from we’re all dead we’re dead
right out here for sure we’re dead
thirty miles away whatever it is
hundreds of
miles away you’re probably dead
people on pasadena dead
people out in pittsville dead dead
dead you’re dead you’re too far away
you know i mean you can’t get too far away i mean
probably in san francisco people be dead four hundred
miles probably dead
you know you
eat and this happens all the time
it happens all the time you know what the saddest
thing was yesterday my wife said to me
joe something ever happened
it would take me
three hours to walk home
from work wow
fourteen miles it’s true
take you forever
just for her to say that to me i was like
she got to think
about shit like that are you
thinking try to
bring a pair of
right in the problem is
three hours if she gets off work at six
then you’re dealing with creepy shit at night
you know you’re walking home at
night and who knows what the fuck is happening by
the time these
three hours are up or
total chaos is set
i asked what
would you do
would you walk on and she goes i
would just stay
right on the fucking highway
right on the 101 or something i don’t know
these concerns didn’t even
enter into people’s heads just
weeks ago so just this fucking
earthquake just weeks ago
weeks ago people
were like immune to it all
you know now it’s like slowly letting us know
it’s on its way stupid
yeah i was in i was in
whatever the
magic club the
other you know
wherever comes in
yeah and hermosa beach
just going to hermosa was kind of
weird because
i just got done
watching all this
japan shit and then
being by the
ocean just kind of like
that’s the stuff people died in
california bro
people died in the tsunami
they get sucked into the water
there was a
photographer that was taking
pictures in
front of a crowd of people
and just got sucked
in northern
california sucked
right off the
beach man wow it fucked up and
they were all
screaming for him
this guy’s just
drowned see
they pull it out you know i mean
when that tide comes in you know i mean
you just see some of
those waves
it’s incredible they did a lot of damage in
marina del rey
really a lot of damage in docks yeah
i mean the tide went really high and it’s
especially in
northern california
apparently that’s
where it really hit
but this poor fuck was taking
pictures in
front of a bunch of people now
last week supposedly before the
earthquake a
bunch of fish were dead
yeah redondo
i read something to still
stinks over there man yeah it
still stinks they said that made
him also stunk man
hamosa stuff really yeah so
fish apocalypse man
like worms smell like
yeah like really old dead ship because
there was a million dead fish do you
think it had something to do with you
i don’t know what the fuck it had to do with
well they said
that they died because of the lack of oxygen
and then they said
that there’s some sort of a toxin in the water
so they were poisoned by something
so they don’t know exactly they
haven’t get
the full results of what happened but what’s really
spooky is the same
thing is happening in mexico
in acapulco there’s
photos of all
these fish that are on the surface of the
water it’s the same type of fish
it’s all sardines and some mackerel
and there’s
millions of
them and they’re on the surface of the fucking
water and they can’t figure out why
so people are driving up in boats and they’re
scooping up
these fish in buckets and the fish can’t go anywhere
they literally
stuck to the surface of the water
like they don’t
know what they’re trying to do if there’s no oxygen
they’re trying to
snap at the air
to get oxygen into
their body somehow
no one knows exactly why they’re at the surface of the
water it’s a
total mystery
but people are just
scooping them up in buckets so this is
basically sort of similar to what happened in redondo
something is happening to
giant schools of fish and they don’t know why
and they’re
thinking that
in the redondo like i said they
think it’s some sort
of a poison but they don’t have any idea why or what or
probably some kind of
weird terrorist acting
could you imagine it was some
crazy christian
motherfucker
one of these may 21st assholes absolutely
i’ll poison the
water just to get
their attention it’s probably some retard
i’ll show them the lord is
very mysterious
crazy assholes
these billboards
all over town are so nuts have you seen these joey
that god is coming may 21st
you mother why may
21st i can’t figure out why may
21st who knows
the idea behind it is so ridiculous
the idea behind it
first of all
that you could predict the fucking day you know
come on and
the day is in what is it in the
bible is that
where you get this day from i’ve
never heard that before
and not only that even if it was in the bible the
bible is just a
translation of ancient hebrew
which nobody really totally
understands
ancient hebrew to this day they don’t
know all the words and the letters double as numbers
you know like
there’s no numbers
in hebrew so the letter a is also the number one
so when you
translate that shit to
latin and you
translate it to
greek and then to
english who knows what the fuck it really said in the
first part you’re not
gonna get may 21st
out of it dude
you know and even if it did
you really think they were
right i mean
you really believe it all is it
no is it a religious
thing at all or is it
people saw a vision
i don’t mean it just
could be a crack pot but this
motherfucker’s buying billboards everywhere
you know he’s buying billboards
everywhere he’s got financing
yeah how’s he get this money
there’s a lot of
money in retards
retards are
everywhere and they want to believe i mean look
we’re friends with alex
alex jones is a nice guy i like alex a lot
but there’s a lot of people that follow alex
that might as well be following this guy
you know what i’m saying
they just picked something to get obsessed with
whether it’s the mayan
calendar in 2012
or it’s fucking
the jesus apocalypse or whether it’s ufos
it’s all the same
mentality that get
these motherfuckers obsessed with
these things but what got you off the
mayan calendar
well it was
never on it
i’m not attached or
married i try not to be at
least to almost
everything that i think
everything that i believe
about everything
i’m open to reinterpretation at all times
and the thing
about the mayan
calendar is
i think what the
mayans did and i got this mostly from
going to chichen itza
and talking to this guy who was a professor
who was our
guide who was
really an interesting guy and
we talked this guy for
hours he gave us a tour for like five
hours and he was like
yeah and he
loved the fact that i knew so much
about the mayan
civilization so
he was an individual guy like you hire him
you know for the tour
so he was like really into it because the guy
loved the culture man he was really obsessed with it
and obsessed with the fact that there’s this
incredible society that
basically just
vanished i mean
these guys created some incredible works
of architecture
these incredible
designs incredibly intricate calendars and really these
psychedelic languages of images and shit like that
the way they
form sentences and thought it was very fascinating
stuff and then on top of that there was all this
evidence of a massive deterioration of
their society like
human sacrifice
and that kind of shit like what
caused all this man
fucking fascinating
thing but i
never believed that they had it
wired that they knew that december 21st
2012 the end of the
cycle they don’t even
think that it’s the end of the world
no one in the
mayan calendars
would say the
world ends december 21st
what it is is the end of the long
count and it’s just another sequence of events
it ushers in a new
cycle what that means who knows it could be
a new consciousness it could be
an astrological
or an astronomical
cycle where
something in the cosmos
aligns in a different way
i mean we know
when the moon
is closer to us or the moon is further away it
reacts it changes the tides it does things
you know if there’s some other
astronomical body that
a cosmic body that when it lines
up with us its gravity affects us in a certain way
and it changes some certain
things about
people or ushers
in some new
understanding or new appreciation or
some new sort of a natural disaster
that makes us sort of rethink the way we communicate
whether it’s with cell towers
or whether it’s with
satellites you know
these satellites get
burnt down so we have to figure out a way to reinvent
the whole idea
of mass communication that’s all possible that could be
the reasons why
these things
why watts thought of that a new
age is coming
and that the
mayans predicted it because they predicted there
would be a new
atmosphere on
earth there
would be maybe it’s
as simple as
the polar ice cap
shift and it
causes all sorts of fucking havoc and chaos
it could be
solar storms
it could easily be that man there’s a lot of predicted
solar storms activity in 2012
they think they could get
unprecedented
levels of gamma
bursts and they’ve had
those before
solar storms like way way in the past
where we didn’t have all these
satellites and shit
i believe it was
a fucking i
think it was the 1950s i
think it was
where there was
a giant solar
storm like one
of the highest ones ever measured
and they were saying that if that
solar storm happened to us
today i mean
literally would
knock out communication
we would be fucked
we would probably
still have the internet in a lot of areas
but a lot of our
power grid would be fucked
a lot of our
satellites would be fucked
solar storms are really unpredictable
and when they happen man
really big ones
really big ones
could toast this
whole society
maybe that’s what happens in
2012 and maybe nothing happens
maybe nothing will happen
that’s all fucking
bullshit i mean the math they even said that the math
might even be
wrong it might
be 60 days off you know who cares so what do you
think about new york next week
we’re gonna have a good time bro we’re
gonna be there in new york city
and then we’re
gonna be in new jersey
for the fucking
championship of the world
johnny bones jones
fights mauricio
shogun hua this is
the opportunity bro
yeah i’m staying in the city
i’m staying in the city i’m going out there
yeah the last time i stayed in newark i got
tired of hearing sirens
while throughout the middle of the night
all night there were sirens and i was like okay
i don’t need to stay here
i’ll just drive here the next day
so that’s my new car
fuck yeah jiraiya
favored that motherfuckers
definitely justin bieber
what are you talking
about he looks just like justin bieber jiraiya favor
they’re the same fucking person i
think he sings the taps on
motherfuckers once every other week there
that’s a great fight there’s a crump of great
fights on this country uriah
favors a fascinating
dude i really like talking to him man
i did an interview with him
and one of the
things he talked
about is very interesting he’s a very inspirational guy
he’s like one of
those dudes
that gets up in the morning and he has like a list of
things and he has written on the wall
these are my goals i’m
gonna be world
champion by the end of
2011 i’m gonna
meet the girl of my
dreams have you know
three kids and
like he has all this shit like on his wall
like he’s like the
secret yeah
he’s big into
setting goals and working hard and accomplishing things
like he’s got a gang of different
things going on at once
he owns like
three different
houses and all the
fighters live in
these houses
they have on a
block they all live together
and they get
together and cook healthy meals and hang out together
can you imagine accidentally robbing that place
yeah and talking shit because the guy who
meets you at the door is only five foot four
next thing you
know you’re flying through the air and landing on your
fucking head yeah
this is an awesome card man
john jones versus
shogun hua is
some fascinating shit man because
shogun is the old assassin
and shogun used to be john
jones he was the
23 year old guy when he won the middleweight grand prix
shogun was this
young guy that was fucking everybody up you know
but he had a lot more competition
he did a lot of struggles you know he had
hogerio nogueira
that was a struggle you know he had some tough
fights he fought
you know if he had some
some real good
competition over there he had some battles you know
and he also
had some fucking destructing wins too man show
gonna go out and fuck people up like when
rampage was injured
when they fought rampage came into the
fight with a hurt rib
i shouldn’t have
never took the
fight in the
first place but i
guess he just needed the money
and shogun just fucking took it to him man
shogun is a fucking killer
everybody doesn’t
have allister
over me yeah
shogun’s a killer man
he’s a killer
and he’s been around a long time and he’s not
gonna get rattled
and you know and i’m not saying that john
jones is cause i
think john jones is the fucking
truth i think he’s the real deal dude
and i think he’s a
super athlete i
think there’s certain dudes that just can do things
that you can’t do
you know and physically
you know and when you combine it with intelligence
which he has
and work ethic
which he has
all the doing all the
right things
treating people the
right way good karma
i mean yeah he says something
sometimes and i’m sure he’ll regret but he’s 20 fucking
three years old you know
it’s hard to not be confident
fear of a black planet we
discussed this already
you said this you know a long time ago they made these
super slaves
they thought they were
gonna get the banks back out of your buck
super slave league is called the end
motherfucking fl
now they’re taking
everything from us
because in two years you won’t even
they’ll be take look at filled mr
davis i didn’t know he was fighting
antonio no guerra
mr wonderful yeah he’s
fighting oh yeah that’s
they’re both antonio
antonio hogerio
and antonio
rodrigo minotaro
minotaro the
heavyweight guy is
hoodrigo excuse me
yeah who was he
trying to go
hoggerio is the
light heavyweight guy so he’s
fighting the
light heavyweight guy okay so
he’s still a bad
motherfucker that guy submitted
dan henderson you know
he beat over him i believe i’m pretty sure
and him and him and
shogun had a fucking war they had a killer war in pride
yeah man he’s a bad
motherfucker he’s got real good hands too hogerio does
that’s a great fight
but john jones man
what i said
about john jones i always say this is that when he
throws people around it
doesn’t look like
like a normal person doing it
you know what i mean like when you
watch a normal
strong dude that just
horse somebody around like matt hamill
when matt hamill
horses somebody around
he looks like
here’s his big ass
tough strong
motherfucker and he’s
gonna grab a hold of you and he’s
gonna slam you on your ass
and it just
looks like it’s supposed to be happening that way
when john jones does it
it looks like some fucking insect
some insect that can just pick up a log
you know there’s something
about how easy he does it
it just doesn’t look right
it doesn’t look fair
you know i’m saying like
you watch like a beetle move
or an ant move like
something like
ants can pick up
some big ass shit and move it around like it’s nothing
it doesn’t even
shift their balance
that’s what it looks like with john
jones he’s just like
he’s got arachnid
power or something he’s fucking spider man
he launches dudes
you know like when he gets that double over hooks and
throws guys through the air
who the fuck is doing that
who the fuck is
doing that he
caught a kick
you know how some people
catch your kick yeah
caught it and spun around with an elbow how
about stefan
bonner yeah
really that’s really he also tossed
stefan bonner over the fucking over his heels over
his head over his heels his heels were up in the air
who the fuck does that to
steph and bonham
stephen bar has
been around forever forever because you show you how
tough steph and bonner is by the way look
john jones stops everybody didn’t stop stephen bonner
you know he gave him a beating but bonner is
that guy’s an assassin
he’s tough as shit
this is an interesting
fight man very interesting we show
up mark wah
so guns a killer bro
you know i wish miller had a full
training camp
you know it’s a
tough fight
nate marquard’s a beast
you know and miller’s
tough as fuck and
those miller boys man they’ll take a
fight you can call them 20 minutes before the
fight starts and they’ll
change the shoes
that was that miller
training for a
fight yeah well he’s always
training those guys are real
real conscientious you know i like miller
and they know that you always have to be ready
as anything can happen i like jim
miller i don’t know he’s
great mark was a
great practice
fighter and he’s
great with these guys but i don’t know now this
motherfuckers got this is dan
this is dan got
going to new jersey bitch
yeah gotta go into jersey it’s like that
it’s like the cowboys
going up to
forty nine or villain eighty
one what do you think
about croakop
fighting still does that
freak you out
these uh he’s
fighting brendan job
the kid who lost to
big country in the
ultimate fighter
i think that brendan
shrop is improving it’s a bad
motherfucker good fight
and i think i
think that croak
up and just trying to finish up his contract
you think so
but why i mean when the guy keeps getting
knocked out like that i mean
i wonder one i wonder if he needs
money do you
think he needs
money or do you
think it’s like an ego
thing he’s not willing to
you know i don’t know
man i mean this is his last fight
i hoped you
i don’t know i
was hoping that he was
gonna walk away
after the padberry
fight that was a good
fight you got a nice victory
you know but then he
fights frank meer and gets
knocked out
and it just
doesn’t look
right you know
you know like seeing
a hero i hope the fucking guy
could pull it back together look look
people don’t know that alstar
ovary was stopped like nine times
he got he got beat up by
bobby hoffman
he got stopped by
i think he got
no verdoom finished them for doom submitted him
a bunch of guys
have stopped him though including being stopped in k1
and being stopped in kickboxing
chuck liddell stopped him
guys guys beat him oh
sir j kara tanov
knocked him out
he stopped him
so you look at all
those guys that beat alistair
and now alistair
is a fucking destroyer
like he bounced back fully
what he did is he
started lifting weights and doing
crazy power lifting and shit
he got a lot
stronger got
super dedicated really
dedicated his
whole life and
100 to training
and now he’s like
one of the most dangerous and
scary guys on the planet the
fight june 18th
so you can’t say krokov
is done you
never say he’s done
but man it hurts me to
watch him lose
you know it hurts me to
watch him be a
shadow of who
i was so excited
about him coming over to the
ufc because i thought
about the crow cop that fought
nogueira in
pride i thought
about the crow cop that fought
you know over
it’s phaidor’s brother alexander
elmiel and echo
he fucked that dude up i kicked him
igor he fucked him of of chanchin
i kicked him koed him
he was just jacking everybody back then dude
his stand up was fucking nasty
but by the time he came over to the
ufc man it wasn’t
quite the same
you know it didn’t
quite have the
motivation that he
had back there was something something was missing you
know it’s almost like he achieved so much
over there that it was like he went on a mad sprint
here’s a good fucking
fight on this card man
jim miller and kamal
shalarus oh yeah
that’s a good fucking
fight jim miller is a beast dude
especially after he
submitted that kid charlie
fucking what is his name
oliveira charles
oliveira that that really good
jiu jitsu kid with the good muay thai
the small kid but miller
grabbed a hold of them got him in a fucking
nasty leg lock quick
really surprised that kid when he tapped them
you know and miller’s tapped dwayne ludwig
off his back he’s a fucking kid and he
dropped ludwig too before that
which is you know ludwig is a sick kickboxer
this kamala shalarus dude is a bad
motherfucker too
really tough
strong dude
this iranian i believe he’s iranian
and he’s a wrestler he’s got a
wrestling base but like a
powerful puncher he comes forward
so that’s a good fucking
scrap right there man
ricardo on may the
fuck yeah that’s
gonna be real good to man
you know mike piles really fucking
turn it around mike piles
tricky as fuck dude
he’s tricky
and he’s got a real good guard dude
and we got to be careful
about that guy when he’s on his back man
and kurt belegrino
and glace and
tebow there’s a lot of good
fights in this car
yeah there’s
over 150s a lot of fucking good
fights in this car
some slug fast man so it’s
gonna be great man
yeah and what the fuck is that dude’s name barboza
he’s fighting too
edson barboza
that kid’s a fucking beast
that kid’s a
beast man he’s
fighting anthony
and giovanni
anthony and giovanni’s a badass
striker from the wec one of those guys
lost a couple
fights but still is
fucking real dangerous kid
but this barbosa is a fucking assassin
he’s a badass
striker dude a badass
striker the
fight’s done at what time
well i think
the pay per view card is
gonna be an hour
early this week
so in the east
coast if it used to be on at 9 o’clock it’s now
gonna be on at
8 o’clock it’s gonna
start a day or it’s gonna
start an hour
early it’s gonna start
instead of nine it’s gonna
start it instead of ten it’s
gonna start at nine
so that’s me
six here okay
yeah six here
so so that’s the deal i get off the
plane at 4 45
i go to my hotel take a shower
and i could
shoot right back out to
shazam we’re
gonna have some fucking fun
next weekend
i am in portland
no where am i
seattle seattle
at the more theater
yeah and there’s
still a few tickets left but not much
so that is that’s on friday it’ll
probably sell out that day so if you want in don’t
snooze bitches
and then following week
joey will be with me at helium in portland
joey can go to portland oregon
if oregon is
still there
will be there too
which is a scary
scary fucking
consideration
so we’ll see you there at the end of the month
and joey this weekend or this
tuesday we’ll be at i’ve been around in new york city
and then thursday through saturday
at the comedy club in webster
motherfucking new york come on down buffalo
syracuse rochester
and i’ll see
you fucking animals in new york city at nine o’clock
ready to rock and this is on what street
147 bleecker street
147 bleecker
street okay
so that is tuesday tuesday the
22nd and then you’re
gonna be in rochester that weekend yeah
and the following week i’m with you in portland oregon
bam bitches that’s it and we’ll see you guys
next tuesday
we’ll have another podcast i don’t know who’s
gonna be on it because
we’re unorganized
as fuck and that’s how we roll
please follow red band
cause he’s very
very upset that he
doesn’t have very many followers on twitter
listen to the new new podcast with jaden
jaden cole is awesome
your new podcast
that we’re saying you telling to me or the people
at home me too i don’t have time
yeah for every time on the airplane listen
to your goddamn podcast listen to this girl you’ll
go with her
okay you’ll find that i probably won’t
bet i bet i won’t
and i love you red band i love you tonight tonight
sounds comedy club yeah
sounds kind
of sold out
you coming in tonight no
i’m leaving for
anaheim come on dog i can
never come on dog
maybe on the way back on the way back dog come on go on
after me man
yeah please
we gotta we got a goddamn
party at that place
thank you to the flashlight
if you go to
thank you to
flashlight if you go to joebrogan net and
click the link for the flashlight
put in the code name
rogan and you get 15 off
red band is on twitter
red bam and joey
diaz is mad
flavor one word mad flavor
love you bitches with a facebook
check yourself before you
wreck yourself
make kissing
ass is bad for your health