The Joe Rogan Experience #92 - Jim Norton

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and here we go buckle up bitches

brian red band

ladies and gentlemen give it up for brian red band

and our guest mr jimmy norton let him know

folks come on well jimmy

welcome welcome one and all to the

first ever live

podcast that we’ve done

you rest on your hands if this fucking sucks

it’s up to you guys if we seem artificial

and fake and shall we because it’s an audience here

out of our environment

we’re out of my house we usually do it in my

my office so basically this is a new

experience for all of us which is kind of fun yeah

just three weirdos and a bunch of fucking

freaks that want to hear him talk

how great would a fucking fire be at the exit

right there

like the happy land disco in the bronx just a bunch of

screaming burning people

and the only

thing that saves

us is that you fan everybody with that hat

we’d all have

to be grateful that you wore that hat tonight

thank god he was here

is it made out of hemp yeah

that’s the one problem thing

about weed people

you know i have a line of t shirts now

and you know

they’re not made out of hemp

and i keep getting emails like what the fuck bro

why not hemp

i don’t know because where the fuck do you find hemp

teeth that’s a pain in the ass man

they’re not usually

very comfortable either they’re usually kind of rough

have you ever had like hemp like

shirts or clothing yeah

they’re canvasy yeah they’re canvasy

well they can make them soft right

you should make them out of the skin of a fucking

stroke having polar bear

as you drink your

water from a

box what was that bear’s name

what was his name

oh kut the bear that just fucking dropped out of a

stroke and i swear is he

germany yeah sorry it’s too soon

that must be so frustrating to be a

polar bear and be in a fucking zoo

i know i think i’m having a stroke

cause no one knows what you’re saying i bet

he’s probably

happy it’s over

happy his internment’s

over i mean that’s what they live for is killing

things they can’t even kill anything

just feed them the food

this is ridiculous

you know how much they must love when a fucking

when some delusional asshole jumps

in the front he

gets the picture and all

have you seen the

video online of the girl gets her leg bitten

no she gets her leg broken

he locks a hold of her leg

through the bar somehow or another she got so

close that he

could grab a hold of her pull her into him

and bite down on her leg and he snapped her femur

yeah and he

bit into her leg and she’s

screaming and they’re beating him with sticks

yeah they’re beating him with

sticks and he’s like fuck you i got her i’m not letting

go yeah and somehow i

know that they got him to let go but she was fucked up

is that the one there was one

video i saw with a guy

not so there’s an

asian guy he got his jacket got

did you see that one

where he was

close to the bear cage and it

grabbed his coat

and they had to take him out of his

coat so the bear couldn’t pull him through the cage by

say coat again i just keep saying coat

coat coat coat

have you seen the

video where

the bear that

it was a movie bear

and they used him in a

bunch of different

movies and there was a guy

standing there

and they were doing

drills with this bear and the bear just decided

to attack the guy and rips his fucking throat out

and it was the

trainer’s cousin i believe it was

and he just bit

anybody know what i’m talking about

what’s that

semi pro yeah he was in the

movie semi pro

and this bear fucked up

for no reason is a

video of it

and so what does this asshole do

well they have to retrain the bear what

you don’t shoot that fucking thing

are you crazy bear

ate your cousin you’re gonna go you didn’t lose his job

you still get to be a trained bear

fucking completely ridiculous

how would you forget to train him not to eat people

shouldn’t that be the first thing

clawing throat bad

it’s the most ridiculous attitude ever

people have about these animals about keeping them

alive like we need them

you know it’s

important they’re a part of our ecosystem like

if we don’t have

polar bears i

think we’re

going to be okay

you know we

might have a few

extra fucking seals laying around

we’ll go shoot

those fucking

things in the head and that’ll be the end

of it we’ll have to fuck on uglier rugs if there are no

polar bears so what

polar bear rugs are beautiful

that’s kind of a fucked up

thing the bear rug is the only rug

where they keep the fucking head on it yeah

they want you to see that stupid thing they conquered

yeah no big giant head that can eat your asshole

attached to a carpet

it looks like he’s flying he’s probably so embarrassed

that his legs are all out

i had a jacket once and

it had fur on the inside

of the jacket it was like a hoodie with fur on it

and this woman actually

pointed at my jacket

and she’s like

i do not like your jacket i do not like you wearing fur

so i go it’s a

fucking fake far like you know like what’s the big deal

she goes i don’t like what it represents

see what happens when killing fake animals

fucking wookiees

the fuck is

wrong with you

you got her though

she was cause she wanted to be

self righteous and when you said it’s fake that

should have

ended it for her but she had to win

so she then she would

i don’t like what it represents

you should have just fucking

spice on the spin kicks you were fucking teaching

saint pierre

you should have thrown one

right in the fucking you

should have just kicked kicked her fucking internal

plumbing out

should have

given her a

hysterectomy with your heel

what is it about people that love to be

fucking self

righteous what is it

about people that love to be the one takes the

moral high ground

would never do that

no one ever you know

what the fuck is that

that’s why we

love seeing them get busted that’s why we love

politics that like fucking legislate

against gays

but then they get

caught blowing somebody yeah

everyone loves

good hypocrite

to be fucking

brought down it’s just satisfying yeah because

it’s such a easy

stance to take

did you hear

about the guy in

vegas who’s a prosecutor we were talking

about in the podcast

earlier today

he prosecuted

bruno mars and britney’s

known paris

hilton yeah and he cuts by

crack big nut

and not even

ecstasy you know

he’s buying

crack like a

self hating junkie

you know it’s like

nobody’s out there

going dude there’s a lot of people talking shit

about crack but let

me tell you something i really straightened my life out

dude i started

cleaning the house

i stopped eating i was

doing a lot of chores that’s

my friend eddie

dated a lot of girls that used to do math

he was dating a lot of

strippers at one

point in his life

and he would say you always

know when you dating a girl does math because their

houses are spotless

because they don’t eat and

he goes and you can fuck them in the butt and there’s

never anything in there

because they don’t eat

they never shit

so you never have to

worry it’s always clean

he’s like it’s amazing you just

fuck him in the ass all the time that’s

great you know they don’t

waste any time with

dental hygiene if they’re on meth that’s

great so if you fuck the astral

heart a tooth falls out you go

that was a two toother all right


that’s a problem with

a lot of people we’re talking about the self righteous

thing i know that you get fucking crazy

about liberals and

about people who take the moral high ground

i don’t hate liberals

i agree with them on most

things like i’m four gay marriage gay adoption

and so much of what they stand for i agree with

but they’ve let me down

i get what i

get from the conservatives you know what i mean

because i make my

living talking so

language is important to me like it is everybody

but the conservatives always were shitty

about it they

would always

target you for

going after the church or

if you said fuck they

would always you

know you’re obscene

the liberals were supposed to

stand for something different

they were supposed to be this oasis of free thought

but then they became restrictive

don’t make fun

of this don’t make fun of that how much do you

think they did that just

to try to win votes to try to get the middle try to go

after the center you know that’s when

things get blurry

right yeah but i

think that like any

other nobody ever says

i’m a fucking

free speech repressing asshole no one ever says i’m

self righteous

everyone gives themselves

a reason like the conservatives say it’s family values

and i’m protecting family

values and the

liberals say well we’re

fighting hate speech

and we want people to have a safe haven

everyone gives themselves a reason

to shut you up for what they don’t like hearing it’s

annoying yeah

the hate speech

i recently retired the word faggot

and i relish

every chance to

talk about how i retired the word faggot

so i get to use it again

just because

i love the way it comes off the tongue it’s just

i have a few bits now that i

would like to

throw faggot in there

i would like to

throw it in there

i say it a lot once i

catch myself

mumbling and then i realize i’m on the sink in the

mirror and i’m like oh

but yes you

see everybody has a reason nobody ever says

i don’t like it so you shouldn’t say it

because that’s too revealing

it’s almost too embarrassing for them to

admit to themselves that they really are that person

so they have to

paint a reason around it and that’s why they

oh that’s hateful

it’s this go fuck yourself i used to talk

about this on

stage but it’s actually true

when i did my

spike tv special

i used the word faggot twice

and once describing my dog and once about ants

you know it was

it had nothing to do with gay sex you know right

and they beeped out everything

except when

they aired it before 11

they beeped out

everything and then

when they aired it after 1 am

they went uncensored

completely except faggot

they beeped out faggot

like that’s too much like they drew a line

and so i had

a conversation with this guy gay guy at the network

and he goes well

it’s incredibly offensive and

quite frankly it’s our word i go what

and he goes

he goes it’s our nigger

he goes we can

say faggot i go that’s the gayest shit i’ve ever

heard in my life

and you can go fuck yourself and

i said it an extra

three or four years

just because of that guy goes he’s like this is the

stupidest fucking argument ever

you know like

having one word

like nigger is bad enough one dangerous out there

candyman candyman

candyman word i mean

just say it and fucking people

punch you in the head

it’s the craziest fucking thing ever

you know you

could walk down the

street and call your your your

basketball a nigger you fucking non

bouncing nigger

and people would just beat the shit out of you

they will fuck you up like you have to use no

the word like that

it just came to mind it’s the first

thing that came to mind

you know if you were walking down the

street calling your banana a cunt no one’s

gonna like fight you that’s

right you know

but you you

call your dog a nigger and they’ll fucking call

friends to have an excuse to beat the shit out of you

you know they’ll hold you down and call everyone

they know to come over and kick you in the fucking head

and it’s funny the way that we

are inspired to change

these words michael richards the

laugh factory was what brought the

whole conversation

back again and it was like this dumb

society we live in we let some fucking blithering idiot

who couldn’t handle a heckler that’s all that was he

just couldn’t handle a heckler

and his whole

the only reason we like michael richards

is cause he was

oh hello jerry

that’s the guy who you take your social cues from

i don’t give a fuck

what he thinks or feels or says

it’s just whatever we have a chance to be

heard people take it uh

the word nigger is a bad word but we

also have social justice for that if you say it to the

wrong people

you get your fucking

teeth knocked out

and that’s the way it

should be if you say to a

black guy he

punches you in the

mouth and that

should be the

penalty it’s so baffling though when i see

trends like that i always wonder how long they’re

gonna last is nigger

gonna be a bad word

a hundred years from now or will it be passe will it

last forever

it’ll be on nbc by that time

you think so yeah i mean

look look like 20 years old that’s what the end will

stand for well it’s been

some common essential

nigger black cunt

i said once on one of my podcasts that

every fucking youtube

video i’ve ever had

has at least one

quote one comment that says nigger cunt on it

and some fucking psycho went on

every youtube

video that has

my name on it and put nigger cunt in the comments

like the same guy just made it

just a life’s work

like a fucking he must have spent

hours doing that yeah it’s like that little childish

it’s like a

weird example it’s like the westboro church they’re a

weird example of people who just like saying bad

things to get

what they do with police

protection which i

think is kind of

funny it’s like

they think that the war in iraq is

god’s way of killing soldiers because they had an ied

thrown into

their they had a bomb thrown into the yard so they

think god killed soldiers

but yet they

still need police to protection

and they remind me of that people that like to just

stand behind the

screen door and yell

dirty words

and that’s all

it is they’re just trying to be offensive

the social justice for them

should be the same as if a guy says nigger to a

black guy they

should allow

the families of

these soldiers

just to fucking take care of

these people themselves and not protect them

if you want to use the word you

should you should suffer the

price what’s really the real problem with people

like that god hates fags people is that there’s a

broad spectrum of

human intelligence just like there’s a

broad spectrum of dick sizes

dicks aren’t the same size what do you mean you know

just like some people can’t

drink you know

some people are dumb as fuck

and there’s nothing you could do about that

and if you come

along and start reading them out of the

bible and the lord says that man

shall not live with a man and if he does

shall be burned at the

stake and dead with a rock and

all you have

to do is read that shit to them and they go

and they’re with you man god hates fag

t shirts they got placards

they got time they don’t have a job nobody else

will fucking hire them

they’re walking down the street

there’s plenty of them man we need

to fucking figure out how to make the lowest form of

human smarter

that’s very important well the reason i don’t

think that they’re

sincere and

this is my opinion is because they’re saying

stuff like god hates fat

it’s like they’re

using such purposefully

insightful language

there’s a lot of people

in this country that don’t like homosexuals if their

cause was really

to hurt homosexuality

they would they

would talk it in terms

where a lot more people

could agree with them and feel good they

could get a lot more done

they just they just trying

to yell naughty words and get attention for themselves

which isn’t kind of embarrassing it’s like that’s the

whole thing fag

it could be or they

secretly all want to

suck cocks and they yeah just that’s how they hide it

it could be that you know i mean that’s why the

ted hagrid thing was so

funny when oh

was he great pastor

ted brilliant

loved a massage did he yeah

he’s fascinating

i was following him on twitter but he

blocked me why

he blocked me because he

he’s got a new church now and they had a

thing on cnn

about it and he’s got like this big

following now and they’re all coming

he goes we have everyone

prostitutes and you know and and junkies and then what

they all come to our church and we don’t ask questions

we just we’re

here to the worship the lord and read the word

and so he has

these meetings and he talks about them

and so he put it up on his twitter so sunday

after church

what should we do so i go meth and blowjobs and

apparently old ted can’t take a fucking joke

not even an lol

and a fucking two

dots with a capital p you can’t even give me that dude

come on bro

you fucking got busted with gay hookers

you should got you

gotta own that shit son

well technically it was a masou a masur

there’s a big difference

now sometimes you just need a massage i must say as

long as they

suck your dick for

money they become a hooker

alright good point

he the guy and

the guy was on cnn too that was the brilliant

thing the guy just came

clean and told the whole

story he just got

tired of this guy

being a hypocrite

and legislate

and going after gay it’s like if you’re

gonna be gay

and not tell your family like who’s

larry craig that fucking

bag of vomit like

i don’t care if he was trying to blow a cop

because you’re not

first of all you’re not the best cop

on the forest that they put you on fucking toilet duty

and the toilet

shithouse blowjob duty

congratulations yeah

you really earned him that gold

shield fucker

how bad do you

have to fuck up before your heel has to go

under a men’s room

stall wait for it to be

clicked like

dora tap tap thing

what a fucked up way to find people to fuck

go to a shit

house and have a little code tapping

thing in between the walls

like i guess they just not repulsed at all by the

smell of shit

you know like

that’s got to be it right

their perfume

joey diaz talk

about that that’s how you

drive a faggot

crazy got a fart in

front of them

jts have a whole bit about that

well you could play

devil’s advocate

and go out must be

great to be gay

because you’re

fucking on a layover between two fucking flights

yeah i’m gonna go fuck somebody in the

mouth that’s fantastic

right into the bathroom is a hole in the wall

i love to know who

drills the hole in the wall

who’s the go

getter that fucking shows up to a rest area

i take some sandpaper to the rough edges

little stain

those are the

weirdest pornos ever the

glory hole pornos like yeah i’m

sorry i want to know who’s blowing me

i don’t that just

doesn’t seem like you

could be really confident that that person’s

attractive you can’t even see them

well might be fun might be a mystery

might you know right

we know what to do

yeah i mean look

if you open your mailbox and

found five hundred bucks would you

demand to know who sent it now you just take it right

that’s right

you go to the stalls and you find used clothespins

that’s how you know it’s a spot

it’s a hot spot you look in the fucking

where the towels go the paper

towels it’s filled with


i do wonder if you have a moment of clarity

though like when a dick pops through a hole in the wall

and you’re blowing someone

and your nose is

against the

metal and you’re like

how did this happen to me

like how did your life get there

i think about that whenever i watched nancy grace

is she awful i’ve never seen her show it’s brutal

it’s all dead babies in florida

oh really she goes

after the mothers finds all the dead babies in florida

we are on line number two

apparently she was out

drinking that

night there is photos on her facebook

while that baby was dead she was partying

she’ll just take caller

after caller it’s all dead babies in florida

i’ve never watched her show oh it’s goddamn

why are you watching the show i can’t help myself you

watch you watch oprah in this that’s

i watched oprah’s friend gail

she’s more fascinating than oh

my god because she knows she

doesn’t deserve that fucking show

so nervous and shit and talks weird i did

i knows people are judging her

you know and i’m going how did you get the show

i did a one time i did leto and she was the lead

guest and i met her and she was kind of fucking

she was a little

standoffish which oprah made me no no gail

yeah which is oprah

it was it was gale

and she was kind of sexy

though i was surprised in person i was like i was does

gail have a man

i don’t know

but she was the

crowd for the

crowd for the people who don’t pick this up on the

microphone by the way

speed of oprah

it’s funny i flew out yesterday and

diana ross was on my

flight she was on the seat in front of me really

and one woman walked on and i saw you on oprah

and i was the

whole flight i was obsessed with getting a

photo with anna ross because she’s fucking

funny jimmy has a crazy

thing about

celebrities i love getting pictures with them

and you can’t not want one with

dinah ross is a fucking

whatever she’s phenomenal she’s fucking

the symphony

fucking she rolls and

the whole flight i’m like i know she’s not

gonna take it because she’s a diva

and she’s not made up she looked like she just woke up

so as we’re all

standing here off the

plane when i got on the

plane i just went

hello miss ross and she said hi and that was it

and then we’re getting off and

i was just talking to richard pryor

and it got awkward

quick i’m like i’m a comedian because of richard pryor

i’m like and

you were so good and lady sings the blues i’m like what

was he like to work with and she’s like he was a genius

and i’m like oh well

sicily tyson

said that in busted

loose he was kind of

difficult and she goes

well sicily

tyson wasn’t in

lady sings the blues

i’m like no no i know

but i mean in busted

loose she said that and she went

oh and then she turned away from me i was like fuck

so i follow her off the plane

she’s three people

ahead of me i’m actually passing people in the little

thing because i want to get a

photo with her before she gets to the main terminal

i want to get her in the jetway

and so she just gets out there i’m like miss ross

i’m like can i have a photo with you

and she goes no please don’t

like i think she was squeamish because she

might not have been made up she wasn’t being a bitch

she literally i

think just was a diva and wasn’t made up

and i just go to i go

because my parents met at one of your shows

but they didn’t i just fucking lied

i don’t know why i said it like

i was hoping

she’d turn around and go oh in that

case come here but she was like okay i wish you well

and i was so fucking humiliated i’m like i lied to this

bitch and she

still didn’t take the

photo with me

i don’t i was

really don’t know why i said that to her but i did

do you pre plan that like do you have

these already like like have you used that before

no but i tell you why i pre plan

i i i actually was

gonna create a backstory

cause the fucking

first time i got turned

i i’ve turned very rarely for

i think celebrities are kind of nervous

about turning

me down like i just get it over with you know some

they’re afraid i’m

gonna sign an

album in front of the dakota

and i fucking

that’s a thank you that’s a topical one

fucking i yank them out 31 years

later and make them fresh

uh was deniro i was at

billy crystal did a play called

seven hundred

sundays and i got invited to the premiere

and i didn’t know deniro was

gonna be there

and you’re not supposed to

bring cameras to this at all you just don’t bring him

and i see deniro

like i don’t know if you’ve ever seen deniro but

literally everybody in the room is like he’s

famous even like

when celebrities are in the room they stare at deniro

and it was on

a tablet on the

green in new york

and so i walked up to him and i tapped his forearm

and i was like bob

and i swear

to god i said bob because i thought like he’s so famous

if i call him bob he won’t realize that we’ve

never met like

that’s a personal

thing and he’ll

think that like

oh i must know this guy because he knew that robert is

shortened to bob like i don’t know what i was thinking

and i go can i have a picture

and he goes no

and i was not prepared for no at all

and i was like but i get a camera

and he said nobody

again he wasn’t being a dick either he goes not cause

i just want to go say hi to

billy because if i take one a lot of people ask

and then i realized like he was

right like if

i took one everyone will be yanking out with

their cell phones

even celebrities

even celebrities yeah

frank vincent was the

first one to term you know

frank vincent from goodfellas and

raging bull

he was fucking filled leotard

or whatever

at a kiss concert in 2003

we were walking towards the backstage area

and frank vincent was walking with this

chick and i go oh

frank i’m such a big fan can i take a

picture he goes no not now

and i go but i really

i’m such a big fan he goes i said not now i’m like

yes you did

so that was my

half the fucking cast of goodfellas turned me down the

first time i met him

that’s the whole story

sophia loren was on my plane oh yeah i saw a tweet

about that did you tweet that or did reid ari

did oh ari okay yeah maybe reid did too

but ari was like i’d fuck her for the story you know

i don’t like it would just make you sad

it’s that’s inevitable

all of us are gonna be that rotten corpse one day

should have said that to her

she look pretty good for

age she’s hanging in there how old is she

she’s deep yeah she’s one of those

she’s like i have to close my eyes all the time old

you know everywhere she sat down she was like

they just don’t have a lot of fuse

there’s not a lot of fuel left in that reactor

do you get pictures with people no

do you try not to do really you don’t like to

know with people and fans yeah sure

i know celebrities no try not to i don’t be annoying

i’m already the fear factor guy you know

fucking being the fear factor guy wants photos guy

it’s just too annoying

i’m super easy to not take seriously

people think i’m nuts for doing it but then they see a

bunch of them like

people who have met

my manager has met

everybody he knows everyone

not jonathan that you met but david

but he was actually

like saying

fuck man we were talking with him i was like god

damn it i could have got

picture with this one and that one

i have a few

i have like

photo with tommy chong

that was like a big one

who’s your favorite

i don’t know at a cheech and chong

yes yes i’m more of a chong guy

one of my favorite

photos is i actually was in vegas

for opie and anthony and you were there also jamie

ed asner do you remember meeting

ed i certainly do how badass was that

you remember when ed asner

got super mad at opie yeah

from the destroyer

yeah and then the poker guy the poker guy like

and you got in a huge fight i remember i had to

tweet in a huge fight he

misinterpreted what i was saying

i had to sit next to him though

after he got

off the interview and he was like getting his

stuff together and he was just

steaming well he was

breaking up with this

woman and i what i said was

whoops what i said is

um yeah that’s hard it’s hard when you

break up with a girl ago the

thing that bothers me the most

is i was thinking

about her getting fucked by some other guy

and yeah gorilla fuck

yeah he said something

about the media stuff

those really how

big fucking

black guy with a

giant hard cock

stuffing her in the corner of a

couch and coming in her face

i mean you think

about the shit

that you did to her and then like she likes that kind

of shit and she’s probably had some new dude doing it

right now and that just

freaks me the fuck out and

he took it the

wrong way you broke him

you broke him

he thought i was saying that that was happening to his

girlfriend i said

this is what i’m scared of

i’m not necessarily saying that you know

there is a boogeyman

that’s what i

that’s what i jerk off to whenever me and my

girlfriend fight i’m like oh i hope she’s

fucking someone with a bigger cock i can hear about oh

uh that it is the

worst when you’re dating a girl and she’s talking

about how hot some

other guy is like

really okay you don’t get hard for that jack no it my

greatest fear was like i’ll get hard for that yeah yeah

i’m sorry i’m

so obsessed

with self obsessed

animals like

oh it’s my turn to talk i didn’t hear what he said

that’s why i’m a bad actor

cause i don’t listen

it can be that’s really why i’m a fucking

mediocre actor i

literally don’t listen to the dialogue i just watch

mouth and as soon as the mouth stops i’m like my turn

it’s like the electric company when

those mouths were coming from this

but i know it used to torture me like girls

i would be obsessed

with them fucking guys with

a bigger cock my cock’s fine but it’s nothing you know

you’re obsessed with it in a good way or bad

way no i’d be depressed

about it because i couldn’t measure up i wasn’t good

enough we’re all sexually insecure on some level and

i used to make them tell me

about it i would just torture myself

and then i started getting like

the more porn i

watched and then

a couple times i

would date girls and we just talk

about fucking guys i

would make them tell me

about guys they fucked

and what you

can’t see at home is he mocked the fuck motion

yeah i gave a

saying that with an angry face

and i gave my hip like four thrusts which is

more credit than i deserve in real life

are you gonna throw fake punches at her neck

to a fake choke

what i mean by it is

the most depressing thing

about a girl telling you how hot some other guy is

is that she doesn’t care about your feelings

you know that’s really what it is it’s like the most

depressing thing

about it is like okay now

we have this kind of weird relationship

where you’re gonna

try to tweak me

every now and then

and fuck with the way i feel by telling me how hot some

other guy is me when you’re

supposed to be in love with me but is she getting

the same thing with a guy if a guy’s like

pointing out girls all the time

like look at that ass like

do you think you’re no

chick wants to hear that

that’s like a weird

thing even if

the person’s hot like just

think about what you’re

saying and how it affects the person that you’re with

depends on your relationship though because like

if you if she

wouldn’t be mad at you saying it

and she’s saying it then it’s cool

yeah she would

get jealous then she’s being kind of a cunt but if she

wouldn’t be mad

that it’s different i

think most yeah if

you know someone really well and you get to know each

other really well and you open up about

stuff like that and you have a real open relationship

about what turns you on and what

doesn’t yeah

but in a lot of cases that’s not really what’s

going on and in a lot of cases it’s

people fucking with each other

yeah that’s bad that’s unhealthy

if you’re trying to just kind of jab each other the

grossest fucking

thing that ever happens when i take

pictures of

someone is guys that want to tell me that i’m on

their wife’s list

yeah yeah you’re on her list

you’re on her list bro

okay take a

picture with her

she’s hot gotta take a

picture with her bro

i’m like what are you talking about

the list meaning yeah yeah

she’s a lot of fuck you

that doesn’t

work that once

that’s disgusting

sarah silverman

was on my list and then i went to a comedy club with my

girlfriend she goes alright

this game does not work in la

cause i mean that’s just to

you’re supposed to be on a list meaning like brad

pitt you’re

never gonna run into brad

pitt that’s like make believe list

so the list is always make believe

so for the most part i don’t

think that’s really bluffing

about your list if you live in

la it has to be bluffing because you can’t run into all

these people

you know it’s

pretty fucking hard to run into brad pitt dude

yeah i know and that’s what i thought even in

la brad pitt’s a lot

until i moved here

and so then she was on your list

she was on my list like

seven years ago then i

moved here with my

girlfriend and then we were at a comedy club were you

plotting something what

are you plotting something

no i’m just saying she’s

like oh there’s

sarah silverman

and she goes

that game does not work here

my girlfriend actually has the meadowlark lemon

globe trotters

on her list but it’s only i

would only let her fuck the globe trotters

if it was meadowlark and curly neal it was that

only with curly and metal lark together

is curly still on the

globetrotters i don’t think so metal lark is

62 they couldn’t both be playing i saw them in the

winter great the ball would go and be a string on it

when i was a little kid

when i was a little kid i was so

stupid i thought the harm

globe trotters were the greatest

basketball players in the world

and i’d be like why are the knicks even bothering

the celtics

when the fucking harlem

globetrotters around running shit i’m like

this is these guys are fighting crimes with

scooby doo how are the knicks gonna do you know

remember the

globe trotters went to gilligan’s island yeah

i fucking hated that show

it wasn’t funny it was fucking terrible

to me it’s the most fascinating example of

cultural evolution is to go back

and look at tv shows from like the 50s and 60s and 70s

how fucking unbelievably bad they were oh

terrible people were

dumb as shit back then

i wonder what it really

is is it that we’re just used to like a different

standard of


or were people really dumber than

i think that

they weren’t more innocent but they

admitted to less than

and don’t forget

marriages lasted longer than information wasn’t passed

simpler way

everything was

simpler you know like people didn’t have access

to information like as easily as us did you imagine

if you could go back to the 50s and only you

could have the internet

you would be running shit

only you just you go

back to the 50s you got a laptop that’s all the time on

you would just dominate

you would be able to

debate anybody

sit the fuck down bitch

i’m pulling shit out of the air on you

you’d be typing in this thing you

wouldn’t even know what you have in your hands

if you’re the only one there

wouldn’t be an internet you’d be

googling your own

facebook but no no

you have access to the keisha


the acacia records

you know what that is

no they believe that the people that believe that

intelligence and thought is actually like a non local

thing and that your body is just

sort of a radio

for tuning in the

creativity of the universe

believe in a

thing called the akashic

records and a lot of ancient scholars and a lot of

mystics and

channelers believe in this as

well and they believe that all the information all the

things that anybody has ever created

are all it’s all

out in the air you just have to pull it out of the air

and you can and that’s

where creativity is

sounds completely ridiculous

but then you think

about it like what the fuck is

creativity what is your imagination

imagination is just

there’s something that’s

it’s ethereal

right and in that

the person figures it out and comes up with

this idea and then it actually manifests itself as a

solid thing

it becomes an iphone 4

i mean with a

bunch of other people and a

bunch of other

people’s imagination together and work and all that

other stuff and

innovation and

figuring out you

know how to make

glass and all the

other different parts and

how it all goes together

but the bottom line is

it was in the ether

and then it became a

solid object out of the imagination

and there’s people that believe that

everything it

literally comes out of

almost like another dimension

and that’s where

that’s where ideas come from

and that the acacia

records is that all knowledge the knowledge of

everything is out there you just have to tune into it

i wonder i don’t know i mean

i don’t know

i don’t know either but i do know that i don’t feel

i never feel like anything i write is um

is something that i wrote

i always feel like it’s it was given to me

i feel like when i when i’m at

when i write my best

stuff even when i perform

when i’m at my best on stage

i i feel like i’m a passenger

i feel like

all the work that i’ve done

is just to become a good antenna

you know all the work that i’ve done it’s just

to become a good antenna

and then become a good

discipline person that sits down

and then turns

the antenna on and then does all the writing

well we’re all

see the reason i have

trouble with the occasion

ideas because we’re all on the same

level of ideas

it was almost like

if if the ideas were out there all along

how come fucking cavemen

were just clubbing each

other over the

head and nobody back then said fucking google

earth well i

think the idea is they didn’t have as

good we have to evolve

to the point

where we can

we can’t you know you can’t

like just have a time machine before you have the wheel

you know what i mean

you have to

like slowly progress and but the idea is that all

these ideas that we

think we’re inventing

we’re inventing or creating we’re

literally pulling

them out of the imagination the imagination

might be like

literally an actual

thing that manifests real

things in this

dimension if that’s all true then you owe them and

see an apology how

if we’re all just picking from the same pool

well yeah you’re allowed to do it with spirits only

you’re allowed to have a muse only

you’re not allowed to steal jokes you fuck

you know it’s contrary to the actual idea of what

creativity is like to say that to admit

there’s a book called the war of art by stephen

pressfield you ever heard of it it’s a

great book on writing

and one of the

things that he writes about is the concept of the muse

and that pretty much

exists throughout every culture and

it’s talked about

with many many

great writers that they

have to have some sort of amuse and it’s almost like

someone gives them

these ideas

you know and

to really tune into that

you have to be non

egotistical you have to not be thinking

about yourself you have to be

tuned in to

the frequency that you need to be

tuned into to write

which is like sort of

blank sort of a zen state

which is exactly

the opposite

of the look at me i’m the shit state

which is what you have to be to

steal things and

steal jokes

to boost yourself up

it’s completely

contrary to this creative state

which is why

so many people that are

thieves and scumbags and

shitty joker stealers

they don’t know how to be funny

they literally don’t have the

connection to it

they’ve completely lost

their connection

so they have to just grab

things blindly

attached to them and then repeat them

and then get

laughs and then look for the next

thing to grab

they don’t have the ability to pull

those things out of the ether themselves

i was just kidding

sir why are

you guys the guy in

front has not hit me like see

what the fuck is that nod sir

what yeah what is that not like

i was kidding

which guy’s nodding

with joe yeah but i was just kidding

i know but nobody gave me like a

thumbs down

these are just jokes kid

settle the fuck down

he really did tisk

tisk me like

like i instead of realizing

i just saw an opportunity to get a line in there he’s

like like i really meant it so you don’t take it as a

statement of fact i’m not

i’m not under oath

i’m a difference between the west

coast and the east coast

we’ve been talking

about this lately

like with the whole gilbert godfrey situation

on the east coast

you could make fun of fucking anything

everything is fair game yeah it’s a different kind of

sense of humor

whereas the west

coast like one comic shitting on another comic like

saying something like that unless you’ll see an apology

hey hahaha we’re all laughing together people

oh that was a dig he went after you and

it’s amazing the difference out here is there are

funny people out here

but everybody out here is

transplant in someplace else and show business

is out here

like you’re in new york nobody gives

a fuck if you’re in show business it’s just a different

place but out here it’s the

whole business

so everybody is very focused

on that next

level and it’s like i think

comics out here

have much less stage time

and that guy’s like you who are fucking

you know your headlining

everywhere but guys that

are trying to get

their first 10 minutes together

everybody’s scared of saying the

wrong thing to the

wrong person

and everyone’s afraid that that

seven minutes they do is

gonna be seen by cbs and they’re

gonna be the next mike and

molly oh you know what i mean

yeah just a different mindset so

comics don’t shit on it

at the comedy

style we would just attack each other

we used to take each

other to hack

court and me fucking

keith robinson

patrice o’neal colin

we would go over each

other’s bits and then the rest of us would

judge whether or not you’re a hack for doing that

i’m taking that bit to hack

court and kevin hart we would just brutalize each other

when kevin hart

little kevin he’s a funny guy but we knew he was

funny when he first came up from philly

and he would go on stage in the cellar

and we would all just go down and sit in the front row

and just fucking stare at him and be like

and he handled it and he was

funny and that’s what we do to each

other we’d have a good time and just shit on each

other as comics

a lot of comics joe’s

right are not

funny guys they don’t know how to tease each

other they don’t know how

to be fucking they don’t take a joke well they’re just

awful they’re craftsmen

it’s like they’re carpenters they’re like writers

who like instead of writing it down are

speaking it out

and they think that a lot

of times when they’re bombing it’s because they’re too

ironic and nobody gets them and it’s like nope you just

stink i worked

with a guy once he said something and then he goes

that usually gets an applause break

to the audience yes

and it was like some really fucking wack ass political

idea you know some

republicans do this but the democrats don’t

that usually gets an applause break oh

and he’s a famous guy it was death the only time that’s

funny to say that usually gets an applause

break if you say scott peterson

and they just

stare at you and you go that usually gets an applause

very shy vote and

all the people that get murdered to have a name like

scott peterson that’s so

strong that carries on years years years

after the crime

how long is that one gonna last

scott peterson that’s

gonna be a long long

who’s the guy that killed his wife

and then shot himself it was in boston

yes in the stomach yeah yes do it what a

crazy fuck he jumped off the bridge eventually

right killed himself by jumping off a bridge did he

yeah really i believe he’s dead good my correct

google anybody

he blamed the black guy

he blamed the

black guy the boston

cops are targeting blacks and

some guy willie something some

black dude will yeah

well near my

out that’s true that’s

i don’t remember the guys that i just remember

weird faction cases

which make me

sound like a flaming

racist some

black guy willie trust me

but i don’t charles stewart and

he’s he shot his pregnant wife and

well colin ferguson was

black he was on the low island railroad and he shot a

bunch of white people six white people he killed

yeah and he represented himself in court yes which is

that’s the craziest asshole ever not the attorney you

think he’d be

do you imagine

the guy shoots you

and then you have

to like have him interrogate you in the witness stand

that’s the craziest fucking thing ever

but that must have been horrific

ian edwards you’re the comedian

ian edwards

yeah he’s a

jamaican guy i

think and i

say i think he’s megan

and he’s a very

funny bit on


on the same

thing on guys be on the

stand and going

colin ferguson

going what did you see on the

nigga you shot me

yeah edwards had a

great pit on that

ian’s hilarious

bernard gets you know bernie gets the

subway good i remember bernie gets the

subway gunman

you guys had him on opie and

had him on a few times he was a

guest and i got a

picture with him he’s a kook

he walked us through the

shootings slowly

and he took us through

it he said it was like in slow motion the fucking

pow pow and i

guess you’re supposed to think he’s

crazy but i was just like this guy fucking rules

i’d love to do that on the

subway just

shoot four people

for not even as

serious a reason as that but just a lot of

other reasons just to kill four

people well if you’ve ever been intimidated in public

transportation it’s very

scary to be locked in a cage that’s going 50

miles an hour

with some dangerous person who’s got a knife

or got whatever


that’s scary shit man

you know it’s

scary that there’s

no one there to protect you it’s not even a

you know usually not even a cop on

those fucking

things i know

every comic

wants to be rogan because he’s like one of the few

comics that

can just really beat the shit out of any heckler

we’re all secretly

jealous of joe because it’s got to be cool to like

whenever you have a heckle you

never know it’s

gotta be cool to know

that look if

worse comes to

worse i really can

drill this through the guy’s fucking jaw bone that’s

gotta feel i wish i had that

that’s why i have to hang out with big people

i never think

about it i just all i would think about if i was you

literally it’s all i would think about that’s why

if i had that ability maybe i wouldn’t but if i could

fight like rogue at all i would think about

is what can i do to make you throw a punch

so i can beat the fuck out of you

but i think like a little man

that’s a terrible way to live life i know

at an erection difficulty so

people don’t forget

about that shit

they come after you

i guess so yeah

yeah if you do it for the

wrong reason you can’t just beat somebody’s ass

that doesn’t

end it you know then they live with the fact you beat

their ass and they go home and stew and then they

plot the revenge

might be a gun

might be a knife

might cut your tires

might follow

you around and fuck with you yeah you know just be nice

it’s better off i am

i always like at the end i always

i go through you know me joe

while i’m onstage i go through the audience and go how

about a hand for everybody that took a joke tonight

i’m kidding i don’t do that that’s fucking pathetic

they took a joke tonight

people assume

the audience

go yeah how

about a hand for everyone

that was a good sport

if i shit on someone overly

overly hard in the audience i will say give him a

round of applause or a nice person

i’ll just say you’re

lucky i acknowledged you

like the two guys up

front you’re welcome

well this is a good time to

bring up your new cd because

you got a new cd that i was listened to on the way over

here it’s called despicable and it’s fucking awesome

thank you and

you you recorded it in boston’s and we said the wilbur

boston yeah

not the old

connection the

connection to faniel hall

yeah oh wow that place is

great such a

phenomenal was

great comedy

space right yeah it was

now it’s the wilbur

theatre they just

do only the theater now i just did that it was actually

great that’s an

explosive room to it’s like now that he has the liquor

license because he

never liquor

license for a

while so the

crowds were good

but they weren’t as

fucking what is

that like for you being a guy been so you’ve been sober

since you were really young

right i was 18 yeah

what is it like for you to just constantly being around

drunks i don’t mind it as much because i

learned like

i don’t really

the guys i watch a lot of guys that

drink and have ruined

things by drinking and i

learned from

those guys i

learned from the guys who are they were brilliant

and who have allowed fucking

drinking and doing drugs to fuck

their career up you know

like a lot of

guys can handle it i just couldn’t i was the guy on the

phone at three in the morning i was a cutter you know i

was eighteen i

was sixteen and fifteen yeah wow

somebody i sliced my arm up a lot with the

razors it was just

childish notice i see

mark you think you

would do that now as an

adult if you that’s a

serious fucking mark there i got a

bunch of behavior

like that but

i was i was in this one there was just out of

anger and that

wow it was all but it wasn’t

this wasn’t a suicide attempt it was just goes

angry so i just took a boxcar

but again it was drunk

well you say it like you know no big deal just

not anymore though

but it’s a good reminder though if i ever

think i can handle

it i look back and go oh yeah you’re a fucking but i

would love to

think it was cooler than it was

but i was just a douchebag

who wanted attention because if i wanted to die i

would have died i didn’t want to die

so was it the substances

or was it just your

state of mind at the time like what was

it you think

if you drink

right now you just

start cutting yourself again

not immediately booze was the worst for me

i did coke and i smoked coke and

stuff but to me booze was the worst i never did

like ecstasy

that wasn’t around back then

when i start immediately no

but eventually it

would be hard

probably i wouldn’t

last very long i was a fucking horrible violent

depressive drunk

i would but i don’t

think i’d go out in a

blaze of glory either

i think i would kill somebody

drunk driving

i would probably do that probably

run into a nine year old or a fucking kill a family

and then be in jail for

thirty years

but not even have the

glory of fucking i went down swinging

i’ll just get fucked in the ass

until i bled to death

that’s actually the next title of my book by the way

that’s the metaphor for politics

do you still experiment with urine a lot

in sexual acts i actually

dated a girl who always wanted me to pee inside of her

and so i know how that you love golden showers and

stuff but she would always want it sure

that’s how you know you’re out of touch yeah fuck yeah

real experiment i just wanted to see how it

would work as a beverage

tastes like popcorn

it does it tastes like popcorn yeah saltates

it’s popcorn flavor

piss i’m drinking my own if you are

have you i’ve

heard that’s good for you and i’m supposed to be

yeah it’s supposed

to be good for you but whatever how good

could it be just take a vitamin

you drink your own piss like a

crazy person

what i thought was


about it though was how people reacted to it

you know people are so terrified of it i did it on the

radio show with this guy with the dj i go i’ll

drink my piss if you

drink yours you want to do it

he’s like i’ll do it if you do it

i’m like real okay

and i just pissed in a cup and i drank it

he’s like shit that

and he had to try to do it he’s like

he’s like dry even i’m like it’s just piss man

but that’s also six years of fear factor

shit changes the way you look at things man

cause we had an episode once

where this girl

couldn’t eat this bug she was just

freaking out

she’s like she couldn’t eat it she couldn’t eat it she

could i go give me that

thing come on

come on we’re filming a show here just eat the fucking

thing i would have

never done that like season one

when the cameras roll

by the time you get to

season four you see

horse rectums and

blended maggots and

i saw people eat insane things

habanero peppers

i’ve seen people eat four

whole habanero peppers

just screaming in

agony where

every cell in your body

is writhing with this fucking

spicy sauce

so you know

drinking your own piss is nothing

it’s nothing it’s just

warm it’s just weird

other people’s

drink your piss just to say you did it it’s nothing

eat it first just take it take it off the fucking

bucket list

it’s not a hard one to do

just do it just to say you did it

do you ever drink someone else’s piss no

never drink well sure definitely because i’ve

eaten a lot of girls out they probably weren’t that

clean so sure

some way or another i got some piss in my mouth

astronaut i yeah

girls would like come back from the back i gotta go pee

they come back from the bathroom and i’d eat them out i

wouldn’t even think about it

i mean you know when you’re young you

stupid as fuck you’re not thinking about where you

stupid no you know that’s how i get girls in the

golden shower honest to god i

would say that i don’t wipe

after they’re pissed about just

leave it yeah that’s

that’s all dirty

and they would come back and it

would be just dripping and i would fucking clean it

you’re all groaning

but at least one of you is

going fuck i

would really like to do that

oh god the way i got my one

girlfriend into

it as i used to fool around her in the car and i

would have her piss into a cup

and then make her tip her hand so i

would have to

drink it i fucking what

what yeah wait a

minute what

oh yeah so you’re driving

right and how i

would pull over for that how good is this

bitch’s aim yes

she hopped in a wedding

first of all that’s a dude if she can hold

she can aim her

piss into a cup

while you’re driving i think she

might have a cock

i didn’t do

all this driving

i was driving a

trans am and fucking buford

t justice was chasing me

hold on the ass fred

no i would not i would get in a cup

it was hot so you

would hold it up

you would hold it up and she

would hit your hand

to make you

drink it no i

would tell her

because i want i kind of like i’m more dominant

but i kind of like when a girl can make me be dirty

and i’ll be like i tip

like i would

drink it i would have just

drank it but i wanted her to make me

drink it and she

would like guide it to my

mouth and oh

jesus christ fuck man

fucking getting hard over here what

about is it haha

what about poop

is it just a pee thing or a poop thing as well

yeah it’s just pee

just pee sure

i don’t believe that oh please i would

never take a log in the

mouth no matter how no you didn’t no way

really did you

no no you did

damn yeah on the chest

oh the chest what am i wasteful

on the chest did you see the

photos online of some poor girl she fell asleep at a

party she got hammered and passed out

and someone shit in her face

one dropped a little log on her

mouth and one of them on her chest

and she’s like

she’s so fucked up she’s passed out with her eyes open

looks like that

like half eye open and log on face

kids today they have the internet just

markers aren’t good enough anymore

you know sharpies just don’t cut it in two

thousand eleven

you gotta drop a log on someone’s face

and you know someone’s gonna drop a dime

their kids gonna get in

trouble you can’t just shit in someone’s face man

they’re gonna hunt you down bro

they’re gonna

fucking put all your friends in jail and they’re all

gonna talk and then eventually they’re

gonna arrest you

was it really shit though did they

actually see the asshole opening and shit

tumbling out of it or

someone skeptical

yeah you would think

after all you’ve

been through you’d say yeah probably as shit

yeah you’re

right i have seen a lot i

guess i’m fucking

i’m jade i’m like a guy in the nom with one week left

do you find

that it’s okay it’s socially acceptable to talk

about about

urine but it’s not socially acceptable talk about shit

like it’s piss

like like you know

water sports is kind of

silly you’re

crazy pee on each

other in the shower oh you so nutty

shit on my chest

you just kicked shit up to a

whole new level

yeah you really

have i mean shit here’s what shit is shit is going

close the door all kidding aside

are you wearing a wire

yeah but i talk

about that’s the beauty of being a comedian is like you

could say this

stuff and and they can’t hurt you with it who

gives a fuck i don’t care if people like it or don’t

and it’s not good to be

i’m not married either it’s a lot different like you

know i mean it’s like i’m not at the fucking kids or

animals or that shit i’ve just been a pervert my whole

adult life and

my whole childhood

so yeah you’re the healthiest pervert i’ve ever met

as far as like psychologically you own it

you accept it

but you don’t have any

other issues you’re very disciplined

you write a lot

you know you perform a lot you’re

not a fuck up you’re always on time you’re always

courteous you got your shit together

you’re just a freak

i’m obsessed with work

with comedy

and i’m really good with that so one thing

about myself that i love is that i’m a very good worker

i don’t feel guilty

about anything i have because i fucking work for it

do sets every

night i never feel guilty

about succeeding

if i work for it

but the sexual

stuff is fucking do it’s all

accomplice literally

i’ve written two books

and i had to put them together at the comedy seller

because i’m such a

slave when i’m on the computer to jerking off

like i literally

i’m like a chimp i

would just i

would grab my it’s soft my dick

it was like

literally i

would just be tugging on

and i had to do it at the

look at his face

look at this dude

the dude behind you with the hat sir okay

i was going just like

like he was

watching one of those terrorist head cutter videos

oh yes taweet and jihad

that was the fuck

did you watch those oh yeah i

watched i’ve seen a few of them

i’ve seen some horrible

those are ones that are violating people

but those videos people think i’m disgusting for

watching they’ve made me more empathetic

towards people like i really feel

like when i’m watching

those videos i’m like god that’s a

truly horrible thing

it gives you a real perspective on

maybe it doesn’t

maybe just telling

myself that and you know the fact that i get a

pounding erection you know

that’s just me

but no i feel empathetic towards

those people when i

watch you burn

alive or something it’s not just this

thing you hear

about it’s fucking horrible

yeah i don’t i’m not

a big fan of introducing that information into my brain

cause it just

it rewires the way you look at the day

you know like it’s very hard to just let it go when you

watch some guy get his fucking head

cut off and it’s wheezing out of his windpipe as blood

squirts out of it like a broken pipe

yeah you know it’s fucked up it’s a fucked up

thing to see

if you’re having a

great day and

really enjoying yourself

and hanging out with your friends then you watch that

you’re like okay now this is reality

that this is happening

right now in mexico

some guy is tied up in a barn somewhere

and they’re cutting his dick off and

stuff it in his

mouth as he

bleeds to death

like that’s real

i know it’s real but

how much information can you

absorb into your mind

you can’t the problem

that we have

today is you

could see something like that anytime you want

you could see any time of the

night you can download any sort of video

all sorts of

horrific acts that people are doing to each

other and animals are doing to people and

that reality

it exists all over the place and

you absorbing it and

bringing it

into your life does not make anything better

once you understand that that

exists you understand that

that spectrum of

human behavior is possible

the most you could

avoid that shit the better you are off

you don’t realize it

but you download a lot of

stuff and bring it into your life

you know that’s

going on but if you actually

experience that energy

we have access to too much fucking shit

we’re not supposed to

we’re not designed to have the internet

we’re designed to have access to all the disturbing

stuff that’s around us

so that we make good decisions on how we

should survive and

where we should go

but when it’s

everywhere it’s just anywhere you are

guy getting his fucking head cut off

just go on your

phone watch a

video you’re the king of that though you

watch that on like

every day way

more than i do i

watch way more

animals fucking up people

cause i always feel like what are you doing there

stupid that

doesn’t bother me nearly as much people

fucking up people’s very disturbing i saw one video

that i had seen before

it was a guy being murdered

by a screwdriver it was a real murder

that these these guys

way i was i forget what country it was some

bizarre they killed like

twenty one people in a

month they were

true sociopaths oh so i know what you’re talking

about something something that the

maniacs beyond the d

yeah and what the one murder they committed with

a fucking screwdriver

and it upset me so much i was laying down actually just

after those gonna

throw up like i was

gonna pass i

literally felt like i was

gonna faint

watching this

video it was that horrendous

and i kind of felt grateful that i

could like react

horribly to something like thank god

i’m not that jaded

cause you watch the news

and even we’re so jaded by it’s like

literally you hear people are murdered

every day and it

doesn’t have an effect

it that nine eleven had an

effect or the japanese nuclear meltdown or

those things have an effect

but when you

hear that somebody was killed in a car accident

or somebody was beheaded

it doesn’t mean anything anymore because you’ve

heard it 5 000 times

you watch it once

and then every time you hear it you know what it

sounds like and what it looks like

i never went back to iraq

i went one time with colin

to perform for troops

and it was right

after they caught sonom

and you know it was a

scary place

but then man fucking i was our cowie and

those guys started beheading people

and i was scared to go back and like god forbid

you’re going from one base to another and your fucking

blackhawk goes down

i’ve seen what that looks like i can

never put myself so it did fucking make me not do

something that i

would have done

would just go back to iraq

well it’s weird to me how we’ll concentrate

on one person that died in one strange way in america

but we won’t concentrate

on how many fucking people die in afghanistan

every single day

everyday soldiers get shot and killed

every fucking day

but because they’re soldiers it’s always like yeah

that’s the cost of war

right you know

they paid for your freedom and they start

nonsense and gibberish

about it but

you know when

you look at that like how strange it is

we were talking about

there was a charlie sheen comparison

all the people that died

while this charlie sheen shit was

going on all

these people that

died in iraq and there was a website that had like all

these different people and they showed all

their stories

and all these people died

while the united

states media was

covering charlie sheen every day

it’s pretty fucking strange

it’s strange how we can compartmentalize

we can say well

these are just people that are

dying in war so it’s okay

you know it’s like

the cost of life the

price of life the

value of life is much less

and also the media

i mean we all know they’re repulsive

they’re repulsive

but the days of cronkite

have are over

the days of integrity in the

media are over

but they still

enjoy the same content freedom and the same lacks fcc

rules which they shouldn’t

because their ratings driven they’re

about getting the

story first and

there’s 50 news channels now 24

hours a day news used to just be a segment

so everything that happened in the

world would be piled into a half hour

on a couple of different channels

now you got cnn you get fox news you get a million

places to find news and they got a full time so

everything now

is news you go on fox news all the time

right you do that red eye

show i used to do red

eye a lot i don’t do it much anymore although i love

the guys on the show

i had a slight

issue with fox themselves

and i like doing

hannity a lot because

hannity has always been very fair with opie and anthony

people have a knee jerk reaction hatred for

hannity but

cause he’s a cunt

no but you know what

he’s a guy that fought though for

he’s a guy that went to bat for imus

yeah but he’s

a guy that went to bat for opie and anthony with

still a cunt

he’s conservative

he’s a cunt that gets on your side but he’s

completely full of shit he’s a

total ideolog

he’s one of

those guys that just he’s for the

party a hundred percent

he attacks the democrats on

every front he’s

a weird guy it’s like

he’s a soldier in the republican war

he’s a very

he is a very conservative guy and i don’t always see

eye to eye a hundred percent with him

i really don’t but i like him because

he’s fought for the things

that affect me

which is language and he

fought harder for

unpopular language

than so many of

these liberals

it was like the guys that said that

once i must apologize i must apologize

the guys that said they

would go back on a show again

i think were giuliani and mccain

both republicans

and everyone kills the

republicans like oh they’re terrible for free speech

but you know what when opie and anthony got in

trouble fucking

hannity was one of the most

vocal supporters

like if you don’t like what they’re doing

just turn it off

and you know

where were all the fucking liberals

where were all the liberals

sticking up for the

right to say this unpopular

shit they weren’t around

yeah well they already had a relationship

before that though didn’t they opi and anthony hannity

yeah we used to compete

against them in the afternoon we were on any w

shawn was on but you guys

they were all friends too didn’t they

not really no they became

friends afterwards

yeah it was

never a hatred

it was just like he was the competition we were on

three to seven on any w in new york

and sean was ought to

think abc or whatever

is it weird though that when you’re doing fox

you know that fox news is a propaganda network it’s 100

propaganda i mean

they literally have

admitted to getting

direct information from the

white house here’s talking points

we want you to discuss this

which should be fucking illegal

i mean the fact

that the news gets driven by politicians and

and government you

know people that are in government

right now that’s

crazy that’s that’s

ridiculous fox that’s what was

going on fox is conservative absolutely

but they become a very safe

target because what happens is

look at cnn

look at msnbc

they’re very left leaning

so it’s almost like fox seems like this

crazy whacked out place

just because they’re far to the

right but the rest of

media is far to the left none of them

are in the cell look at the shit that went on npr

look at the fucking they

fired juan williams

for giving an opinion on fox

honest what was the opinion what did he say

he said to o’reilly he said honestly

he goes look i don’t he goes

i’m paraphrasing something

about how he felt

more uncomfortable with

muslim men on a plane

than he did with

other people and he said he almost

didn’t want to feel that way he was just being honest

about a feeling that everybody has

he was not attacking muslims

and then the fucking one of the women at

npr said that he

should have his head

checked and they

fired him on some

technicality because he gave an opinion or some shit

but it was because he gave

an opinion that didn’t go hand in hand with the company

and they dumped him for it

so it’s like

people say fox is so conservative

but this guy just an expressed opinion npr

fucking booted them

they’re extraordinarily

liberal the entire

media is biased in one way or the

other fox just

stands out because

they’re the

conservative ones so there’s like one of them

which is why they do the big numbers

because how many fucking

arch conservatives do you have you go to

riley you got

hannity you got beck they’re all in one place

if the fucking

liberals had just one

media outlet like that

you’d probably

have very very competitive numbers and ratings

i see what you’re saying but

still doesn’t really excuse the fact they get talking

points from the government that seems

completely ridiculous that seems like they’re just

a propaganda network

but i absolutely

agree with you

about the one william situation

beyond gross

can’t the guy be a

human being can he

admit to something

weird that he

doesn’t even like it himself that he feels

weird when he sees muslims

and it’s not like it’s a fucking unfounded

of fear i mean it’s not like

they didn’t fucking fly

planes into

buildings it’s not like they’re not

killing people

for dancing you know there’s a lot of shit

going on that

would make you scared of

muslims all over the

world it’s not

doesn’t mean that they are all like that but

how come a guy

can’t just say that can’t say i’ve got this fear

you know because we’re

phone americans we live in a very phony

place and england’s the same way with this

stuff with religion or with ethnicity

we’re always uncomfortable mentioning the truth

and it’s like

whenever you say

some scumbag christian killed

an abortion doctor we all know that’s fucking horrible

and people are

right to attack that and say it’s fucking terrible

but you don’t hear when

somebody says ah look at this abortion bomber you know

nobody ever

says yeah but there’s bad people in all religions

but whenever you mention

islam people feel like they have to

throw in that asterisk by mentioning

other religions

because they’re afraid they’re

gonna be fucking killed for it

like when piss christ was done

remember that

piece of art piss christ

all the papers talked

about and i believe a lot of them showed

photos of it

which they should have i mean it was a big story

but man when fucking

that danish paper

printed that

picture of muhammad

and that guy was killed for the cartoon i believe

or targeted for death

none of the papers

in the us printed it

smartly because they were afraid of being fucking

targeted for suicide bombings

but they were you’re

not mad at me are you sir oh no this guy’s leaving

this is such a

small crowd of one person to pee

are you gonna pee

i will wait for you

just hold it in you little girl

you know what

when i work with mike goldberg mike goldberg

has the bladder of a fucking chipmunk it’s the saddest

thing in the world

when we work together

the guy gets up to piss like four or five times

like you can

play a game at home if you ever listening to the

fights at home

if you hear only me talking

while a guy is walking

guys walking into the cage is

cause goldberg’s pissing

cause there’s no way he

would let me just talk for that long he’s

it’s only because

he’s gotta pee

i’m the same way i’ve i fucking i have to fly in the

aisle i have like a

psychological i can’t even take

window seats anymore

cause i piss so much

but you drink a lot

or is it just used to hold your peel

on your young

both dude i’ve actually was so

weird i had

sonograms done on my bladder and my fucking uh

i thought there was something

wrong with me i’m like do i get a fucking bladder

cancer you know because i always go for the healthy

you know immediately normal way to

think i have bladder cancer

and they’re like no you

drink too much

liquid you drink too much coffee and water

you want to hear a

crazy bladder story

i know a guy who’s

an mma fighter who’s on steroids and he doesn’t

want to get busted

so one of the methods of pissing

clean is they take

clean urine

and they inject it into his bladder

yeah he’ll self inject

clean urine

into his but this is all

completely rumor

from alleged

his coach but

you know i’m like how’s that guy pissed

clean and then they told me the

story and went whoa

that’s taking it deep so that’s

people are willing to inject themselves with urine

when there’s a

fake urine you can buy for drug tests no that

shit doesn’t work because

they they because they busted

kevin randleman with that shit

because it was non

human had no hormones so they so

human pee and they did in columbus ohio

you could buy packets of pee

and then you

keep it in between your legs when you do the test and

they put a little spout and you piss it out right this

yeah you to a

point they don’t know

your dick but they’re like

standing in the same room yeah you have fake

rubber dick they make them it’s called the whizzinator

it looks like it’s got veins and

everything get the

right at the

same tone yeah you

gotta get the

right color

i’d buy the

black one for ego purposes

i would buy a hulk dick

big green dick by

the way though just

we talk about the media bias

and the fucking arizona

shooter here’s a great example of fucking media bias

they were trying to pin it on

sarah palin and the metaphorical

target over the voting district they were like

we have to listen to

we have to stop listening to fiery rhetoric

concern it wasn’t a voting

it wasn’t just that it was actually over people

she had those

targets over people’s names

you know look i don’t think that sarah payne

was responsible for that one lone

crazy motherfucker

who made all those

crazy videos but

you if you’re putting that out there you’re putting a

crosshair on a person and saying this person is the

enemy that’s the target

you are definitely

implying that that that person should be shot

but i think we understand it’s a

crosshair bro

that’s how you shoot people

no it’s not like there’s

a wacky thought bubble over everyone’s head

duh you know this is the person no

they’re pointing these people out with a

target like with a gun sight

but if you say something like

the giants are gonna kill the jets

nobody thinks tall people are

shooting at aircraft no no no we all

know but that’s

we understand the metaphor of that and no

the point i’m making is

she was saying that dimitri

was saying it was conservative talk

and then bill moore

went on leno

and i like bill but he was like this conservative

talk and then all the kids friends are like

no no he was a fucking not exala


he didn’t listen to talk radio

they basically came out and

said that he was much more of a left wing guy than some

right winger

and then the

media had to shut the fuck up

that you know

it’s like they were just trying to find a way

even though she had a

target they

understood it was a metaphor

and they were trying to make it

into something it wasn’t because we all have an agenda

and it’s just

we can’t use metaphors anymore we can’t use a

target metaphor

because somebody

might kill people it’s

tricky when you talk

about how this country though is like

dying in this country is falling

apart and we need to save this country

and that is

that’s the hype and then when you say

here’s the blockades

these are the enemies

to freedom these are the enemies

these are the

people that are trying to fuck up this country

here’s a target a gun site on their head

like that’s that’s what you’re doing you’re saying you

should shoot them

i mean i’m not blaming her for what one

crazy asshole did

but you know when you put gun

sights on people’s names

you are implying that they

should be shot

but are you

implying they

should be shot or are you

implying the meta they’re a target

but does anybody really think that

sarah palin is saying

shoot him

i don’t think she has to

just by being vague

about it you

leave it open to interpretation by fucking psychos

and you’re putting

a crosshair and

you know how many fucking

idiots out there

are attracted to her and in love with her

because she’s reasonably

attractive and she’s a

woman that’s in power

and they have this

wacky thing

about her getting into

power and they

wanna help her and do her

bidding it’s very possible

that there’s a million

of them out there like that yeah but we can’t we cannot

dictate our speech

or the fact that metaphors

because somebody

might misinterpreted some

crazy person i agree

might misinterpret

this kid’s motives were unimportant

to me because he’s a

crazy fuck and he

stalked that

woman for like

three years

he was a crazy


who wanted to kill

her so he killed her my opinion is there was something

sexual there

cause for a guy to

stalk well he didn’t kill her she’s alive

i’m sorry dude but he meant to she

yeah he meant

to killed a little girl and killed

a couple of people

the thing is a mess it’s obviously you can’t

blame her for

doing that but what the fuck are you doing with

crosshairs over people’s names sure but

what did lennon do to inspire mark chapman to kill him

or what did gerald

ford do to inspire

squeaky fromm to want to kill you know what i mean

anytime you look at somebody who’s

an assassinate people and murder people you can’t look

for what we the regular people did

to cause it

especially again maybe

a target over someone’s face

but before that

every single person

understood the

metaphor of what it meant and nobody thought that

she was encouraging people i mean she’s not a bright

woman on you know

right but she’s

known as one of

those guns god and government people

you know and so

when you put

targets over people she’s a hunter

she’s known for killing

things she’s

known for sitting by the body

of an animal with a fucking rifle

which by the way they say that she didn’t really

shoot that thing

it was a photo shoot

and they pulled her up to the fucking body and gave

her the gun and she sat there and it was really all

but look at the language we’re

using comedy

it’s violent

you know i fucking died

like like we we all

understand what

we mean cause we live it yeah i

crushed i fucking murdered he fucking tanked

he bombed it’s like we all

understand what we’re saying

cause we have this commonality of language and

expression it’s almost like

when keith olberman who has a fucking twat

when he fucking

here’s why cause that phony

motherfucker good

night and good luck

he’s one of

those guys who

wants to be iconic yeah he’s not iconic he’s a fucking

jizz bag who

threw people

under the bus for language that he used like

when fucking

when one of the reporters said that

was chelsea clinton pimped

by fucking hillary clinton during the campaign

cnsbnbc had

keith out there apologizing

david schuster they suspended him for two weeks

and keith oman gave this apology

we’re dreadfully sorry

because saying pimped was terrible with chelsea clinton

and then there’s footage of fucking

keith olbermann

saying that david

general petraeus was pimped

by george bush

it’s like we all he

understood what that fucking word meant everybody

understood it just meant used inappropriately

but they selectively got mad at one guy

because he used it in relation to chelsea clinton

but it was okay for

keith oberman

to use it in relation to general petraeus

it’s fucking phony

any type of interpretation language like that’s phony

i’m babbling i’m sorry

he was babble

it’s okay he’s the guy that you

would babble when you talked

about because that was my

whole thing with him was he needed an editor

he’d have these

great talks i

would really like to get behind him if they were like a

minute long

but they just keep fucking going

it’s like god damn

dude you know you already said it you said your point

wandering on and on with

different adjectives you know

it’s like let it go just drop this cut this thing back

he was trying to be iconic you’re

right like when he said to the

we’re dreadfully

sorry i actually was like embarrassed for him like

shut up dreadfully

how when have you ever used that or wonderful

never i’ve come in girls and not said i’m

dreadfully sorry

but have you been

no i didn’t care

i gave him the

wrong last name and kicked him down the steps

now you’re a i know

you’re a big fan of us not being

in libya and you said something i thought that was

great on twitter the other day

know that how come

you know we’re fucking flying

troops over to libya

and yet no one’s hiring new cops for camden new jersey

you know which is

more dangerous

than libya yeah it’s a fucking

that’s a war zone

like you know

that’s where dwight muhammad kawhi

came from remember

dwight braxton

back in the

light heavyweight day oh

okay wow former

light heavyweight champion

one of vander holyfield’s

first tests as he was

becoming a professional finder

you know that’s a terrible terrible

place in this country and it’s

weird to me

that we keep

you know dealing with all this bullshit that’s

going on the middle east and flying

troops over the

other side of the planet when

mexico is right next door

mexico they are

taken over by drug cartels

they have fucking tanks in the

street and juarez

where they’re literally

fighting off armies

of billionaire drug sellers

that are right here you could

drive to them

you know and somehow another we

think that there’s a big threat

in another country on the

other side of the fucking planet

i’m just i’m tired of

part of the us acting like a fucking

mother in law

i’m sick of us

sticking up i become very

separatist i don’t care what

other country like we

should help japan

indonesia countries with this natural disaster haiti

there’s a difference between that

and shit that’s

not our fucking business and i’m sick and

tired of us

sticking our

fucking face

hey how about this you

wanna kill kadafi

do it when he’s setting up a fucking tent

in edgewater new jersey

instead of letting him fucking you

wanna kill like

my demons i do it when he’s here for the un

and still let him stay at the fucking intercontinent

hotel have some balls

stop allowing all

these people to come here

and fucking be a part of the united nations and then

spend fucking 50 million dollars to bomb them in libya

asshole you

could have fucking

hit him with a hammer and killed him for 20


good very good

point but what do you

think about the argument that it’s our job as the lone

superpower to keep

other crazy fucks from getting nuclear weapons

a part of me sure does

agree see i’m so

tired of the world’s attitude towards the us

like fucking europe we

should kick i’m glad the euro was fucking tanking for a

while because they

loved us when the soviet union was breathing

down their neck when the threat was that the russians

would do something

we were fucking all fantastic

but then as soon as the soviet union falls

america’s a bunch of cunts

and then they all get together and they create the euro

so that the us is not the big you

know france has little man complex too just like myself

and then they want to be a big

superpower because they’re fucking

annoyed at the

influence the us has

i’m tired of the

world hating us

and part of it is because they’re

jealous and part of it is we brought it on ourselves

because we won’t stop fucking

meddling we

should just

mind our business and if somebody fucks with us

the response

should be barbaric are you

a fan of ron paul

i don’t know much about him

i know that he’s supposed to be oh

he’s libertarian

right yeah i’ve

heard very well he’s a republican actually

yeah he had a

really interesting take on all this he’s like you can’t

first of all you can’t

overtake libya by just launching missiles they’re

gonna have to put

troops on the ground

and that’s when it gets

crazy because it’s

going to take a long ass fucking time this isn’t not

it’s just like

he was talking

about how it was just like they said in iraq

they’re going to be in there for a couple weeks

he’ll be out there he goes meanwhile 10 years

later they still don’t have an exit strategy like

even saying they’re pulling

troops out of iraq they’re

still leaving

tens of thousands of them i mean it’s like there’s a

giant army of armed

motherfuckers over there

that are going to stay there

and what he was saying was that

these dictatorships when

we have supported them over the years then all of a

sudden we decide that we’re going to

support some rebellion

we don’t even know who the fuck is

really behind the rebellion

i mean we the

american people don’t i’m sure whoever the fuck is

in the government at the highest

levels they must have some sort of an idea what’s

going on but it’s a

it’s a real weird

thing when we

start deciding

you know what

what shit to

get involved in what shit did not get involved in

and people will say well they’re gunning

people down the

street people are

dying in the

street yeah

but you know a million

civilians died in iraq

a million where’s the

freaking out

about that you’re not

freaking out

about that you’re

freaking out

about qaddafi

who is yeah he’s a thug and a scumbag

you’re freaking out

about him killing

these people that are trying to

overtake his government but you’re not

freaking out about

fucking apartment

buildings that were

blown to shit in iraq

have you ever

watched any of

those documentaries

where people really focused on

all the collateral

damage that happened in iraq it’s fucking horrifying

it’s horrifying

these families that

they think that we are the terrorists we’re the

worst fucking people ever on the planet

you know and how

about if we want to take a

stand instead of bombing libya

here’s what the problem with libya is

we’re embarrassed because

the pan am bomber was released

and we as a country were very embarrassed by that

because he’s

still alive

apparently the guys running

triathlons he’s

dead in two weeks

with cancer and he’s fucking healthier than i am and

we’re embarrassed by that so now we want to get qaddafi

how about we have some fucking balls

and you want to show you’re pissed off cut

diplomatic ties with scotland

because they’re the ones who fucking let him go

or if bp was behind it then fucking boot

those cunts out of the country

don’t fucking you know

waste my tax dollars

overseas you fucking take a real

stand or show

england that you’re mad for orchestrating the

whole thing

it just annoys me how we’re just being

selectively outraged and it’s like

you know the same shit with language i fucking hate it

well the real problem

is really itch i didn’t mean to stop talking

about everybody is

everybody is connected here in this whole

world now with the internet

we have the

separation of different languages

and the fact that we can’t physically get to each

other very easily

but the reality is we’re communicating with everybody

together now

you know i mean the

whole world

could communicate with each

other so the idea of

countries at a certain

point in time

becomes ridiculous

you know it used to be that

states you know

when you had to take your fucking horse

and it took

three days to get to maryland

you know like

these different

states sort of made sense

but then all of a

sudden when

you’re driving cars in between them you can get to

rhode island to connecticut

in 20 minutes but there are two totally different

things with

two totally different laws

you know and totally different

rulers you know

really you know the governors and this is like rulers

i mean that’s really what that is

and when it gets

worldwide like that at a certain

point in time

it becomes preposterous

it really we become a one

world society

and the only

thing that holds us back is language and government

that’s the only

thing that holds us back from being a one

world society

where we look at each

other as if

there’s just

just human beings on this one planet

the other different they act different they

smell different they have different food

but they’re just fucking people

the idea that it’s us and them

is so archaic

the idea that it’s

this group of people that we just called

today on twitter we’re a

group we’re us

we’re us at the show

it’s just random

we’re us in this city we’re us in this

state this us

against them is

crazy nonsense that i don’t

understand how it’s

still around it

should only

apply to people over and

under 200 pounds

that’s how we

should break

everything should be broken down to

chicks i would fuck

and chicks i wouldn’t

cause that really is what matters to me anyway

since we doing this

thing with a live audience and

we’re about an hour and a half in now i thought we

would end this up by

taking questions from you guys

because this is the only

time we ever get a chance to do something like this

and we used to do

it on twitter but too many people were cunts it’s just

breeding all this nonsense

but brooklyn’s

what about brooklyn yeah what

about bronco

buffador bro

jenna white so pussy yeah

do you guys have that wireless mic bro yeah

all right dude it’s gonna

grab another

water because i zipped

right on through mine

yes supposedly

this guy this guy like a

young kid i

started this box

water of his apartment

and i’ve been actually seeing a lot all over the

place and it makes pretty much

sense but now i’m

thinking wait he

started this in his

apartment so is he just filling it up from the faucet

thank you so is this better from

an ecological

standpoint to have cardboard than his

paper it is right yeah

because paper

doesn’t biodegrade is that the concept

they need to make these out of hemp bro

hip water i like this box water i just

something cool actually pretty good

i feel like the professional

i fucked up is kind of a carton

other professional

i know how fucked up is that we can’t drink

water do you

drink tap water i never drink tap water in new york i

do we actually have good tap some of the pipes

are old but new york tap is actually better than most

places believe it or not

but it still

has fluoride

tested that it still has

fluoride in it man

yeah i mean

i don’t really

fluoride oh yeah

here’s the deal

water is not supposed to just sit there

if water sits there it turns

green and shit grows in it if you

drink it you die

and that’s what’s supposed to happen

you’re only supposed to buy

rivers and you’re supposed to be

drinking out of

streams and rivers

because it flows

naturally and it gets filtered through

the rocks and all that bullshit and it goes through

the earth wait

so you’re saying if a glass of

water sits here it’ll just become moldy yeah

you know what this is why i’m a

piece of shit

because i saw

that falling and i just didn’t say it i know

i slow motion for me

and we’re back

i like chaos for the

folks at home my mic

stand fell over oh yeah joe my shit my

speaking of mike joe you’re good on the wireless

okay where is it it’s

right in the audience

oh someone’s got it okay

um so what we’re

gonna do now

is we’ll just take questions from anybody who has any

i didn’t think that

would happen i

think water become moldy though

well let’s just answer that real

quick if you

leave a bucket of

water around the sun you’ve

never done that and it turns

green and shit and

things grow inside of it

yeah you can’t just

drink water

tap water is filled with

chemicals is the reason why you can have it in these

giant reservoirs and it

doesn’t turn toxic

things bacteria

i always thought

like if you had a bucket of

water is because something else was in that bucket

i thought water by itself

would never become moldy or

anything because there’s nothing really no if you get

water from like a pond bro there’s all kinds of

crazy shit yeah but that’s also

ecosystem yeah you you

would have to i mean i have to get

water if you have a bottle

no you have to get

water that has

no life in it and the only way to get that is

water from a

stream because

it gets filtered down and you know when you get

water from a lake

that’s a lot

that’s still

water and then

reservoirs are like lakes

so they have to fill

them up with chemical so that nothing grows in them

why does bottle

water never get more

because it’s spring

water fucker

no that’s what i was talking about

well the other

stuff that they kill

everything in it they process it

it’s filtered

that like dasani water

right that’s what i was talking

about that you were talking

about i hate

dasani water

yeah hate tap

water i don’t like any

water that goes

when i open it yeah

why is my fucking

water making a

noise my water is

queefing that’s unhealthy

that’s from

the coca cola company that’s actually the same

water just without the syrup

they use the same machines really just don’t put the

syrup in it i was told it’s so

crazy though that

we have so many people

so far away from natural resources that we have to

poison the water

we have to poison the

water to make

sure nothing grows in it so you can use it

it’s kind of crazy

what’s up buddy

hey guys hi

welcome to the podcast

thank you sir you’re

being listened to by hundreds of thousands of people

right now it’s a pleasure to be here

it’s a pleasure to have you i’m getting aroused

i saw jim i saw you

maybe a year year and a half ago at a club

here in town and

but this question for all you guys

i got a distinct

difference and feeling of like the people the

crowds here in la and the crowds back east

are you getting and i know jimmy you play a ton

back east and we get you out here sometimes not enough

but we get you out here sometimes

is there a do you feel it

when you’re out here

or is there something you can deal with

compared to being back home i don’t

think they’re much different because i’m the same

it’s like you think like san francisco would be a very

tougher place to perform well they’re politically their

ideology is much different

they’re phenomenal crowds austin texas very very

ultra liberal side

fucking i saw you in

phenomenal time it was

great fucking crowds

so the politics

or there’s the vibe of the city never matters to me

if you do what you do and you’re

funny i think the

crowds normally

will respond but in all fairness you’re at the

point where you get your own

crowd it does matter when you’re

starting out it makes a huge difference that’s a good

point when we

started out

jimmy and i

started very

close together when i met you was like what 90 19 the

quarter deck

i saw you we did i

think i hosted you middled

and i forget

who closed on something couldn’t follow you

it was the quarter deck

for pat corrini i believe

wow where was that it was in the

lake roncakama

in new jersey damn is that

jersey or new york that’s new york that’s long no no no

no this was in lake

something it was a lake hapak kong

hapak kong new jersey i

think it was a gig we did

it was a fucking

it was like a deck it was weird

was it a bob gonzo gig

it might have

been at that time bob gonzo was a guy in jersey and

he had booked hell rooms in jersey

shore before there was a tv show jersey

shore yeah this wasn’t the

this was not the

shore this was somewhere in a lake

around like a padcon

in new jersey

i did a lot of gigs in jersey

i don’t know when it was but it was like

1990 ish it wasn’t good

no it’s not a good gig

when you start out

and you’re doing

stand up and no one knows who you are then audiences

matter then it really matters

where you’re at

and you see

a big difference between performing in boston

as opposed to performing in

rhode island or


or something like that

there’s you know

and a lot of times it’s better when you’re in

places where they appreciate

that someone’s

actually performing they have something to do there

there’s nothing in

those towns

you have to

drive a long time to do comedy

but when you get to a point

where jim’s at

what happens is you get your own audience

and then the people are pretty much the same everywhere

it’s real weird

like in new

york i did some shows this weekend at gotham

might as well have been right here

might as well

have been at the improv it was really just a bunch of

people that’ll

think like me

yes it is harder when

you that’s true because

you don’t have after a

while you don’t have to

prove yourself

you thought to be funny

but they kind of give you the benefit of the

doubt before you go on so

they’re not

gonna be judging you on every

single idea do i

agree do i disagree they kind of know

who you are and what you do and they’re okay with it

and the beginning

is always the hardest part when you’re on

stage and people don’t know who you are

because the beginning is who the fuck is this guy and

depending on how you’re dressed

you’re worried

about that you’re

worried about what kind of

image you’re portraying

you know it’s hard to

get acceptance

so when you have acceptance already when you’re

going on stage it’s way easier

yeah yeah you’re

starting already

if you suck eventually they’ll let you know but i

think if you got a couple of minutes

yeah if you’re not i

never mail it

in so if you’re not mailing it in they’ll at least

appreciate that you’re

giving them a good show

that’s to me the

grossest thing

when someone gets to a

point where they’ve got a lot of

success and they

completely take it for

granted and don’t

appreciate that all

these people

have come to see him they just come take it for

granted and just accept it

you know they just

expect it you know that’s the

grossest thing when you hear

about guys and they get to a certain level

and they just give up they just

don’t care anymore and they hate

their audience you know

yeah but la crowds are fine

you know what i mean i have no problem here

like some crowds are more touchier

like with la they’ll be a little touchier

about a gay reference

than they would be

about a racial

reference but here in this city they’d be a little

more touchier

that type of stuff you notice but it

doesn’t really affect what you’re doing

but some clubs though

there’s a big difference between the vibe at

a comedy store

and the vibe at

the improv it all depends on how the place is being run

now that does i

never do well at the laugh factory because

they like a younger

funner energy

than i have like you know what i mean like that like

they like a different energy dane cook

their energy works

very well there

mine does not

you know what i mean because they

would go up and murder and

literally then i’ll go up

and they just won’t enjoy

my observations they just

and they get it i

never think a crowd

doesn’t get me i’m not

the fuck they get it they just find they don’t enjoy it

is that the most

annoying thing

ever when a guy tells a shitty joke and they go okay

went over your head there’s nothing

worse than when a comedian

thinks they don’t get him it’s like what do you

think you’re not what

are you you’re not giving up physics equations you

talk yeah they

thought you the fuck

yeah it’s the

worst anything else

no that was perfect

i went past the my

obviously there’s a bevy of questions

as i go how i do it

this is a fun little thing though

right this kind of weird to do it like this

hey guys don hey sir what’s going on not much

i just want to talk about los angeles for a second

you guys know how much the tickets are for those

flashes is that not working is that mike not working

hello i got to get close to it yeah

you guys know how much those tickets are at the street

light those flashes i was making a right hand turn

how much four hundred eighty dollars whoa

where’s that money going

um to make right turn cameras yeah

the technology is amazing

they have my face they got my

license plate you can tell like what

month my things gonna expire

that bugs me man if you’re not there to bust me i win

you know you can’t you can’t

catch me like that that’s ridiculous

especially right turn on reds

silly as shit i got a

i got a ticket the

other day for not stopping completely

i did to i just did this i got up

and then i kind of went

and went and i barely stopped

but i did sort i

definitely fucking slow down i didn’t just enter

into the intersection

like a fucking wild person

it’s so silly though

it’s just a cop saw you or a camera saw you do that cop

he actually gave me a warning

but it pulled me over for

it you know there’s a lot of shit to pull people over

slowing down not enough you know

stupid it’s

stupid you have to stop and go abc one two

three so now my fucking two year old

she’s every time we go to a stop sign she goes

abc one two three

she does it

everywhere so

everywhere we go she

counts it’s kind of cute that’s a

great excuse for the cop to like i knew

she said abc one two

three okay sorry

so that was it you just want to talk

about the camera that fucked you over

fuck that camera dude

it’s fucking nonsense man

you know in europe it’s even

creepier because in europe they have

speed cameras

and they catch you when you’re on

like they are

they have it in arizona well

in europe they actually have

it’s built into your gps

so as you’re driving it tells you in australia as well

in australia it tells you

speed camera

section and you slow down

and then you

know yeah it’s crazy when we were in australia

we noticed that the gps

thing of the

guy that was driving us around was doing that

it’s like nuts man like

someone’s watching you from the sky

you’re not gonna be able to drive reckless anymore

you’re gonna have to be

considered of

other people’s lives

yeah really

catch twenty two like where does the right of me

right break the law and

and the right of other people to be safe right in

it’s like people that say i can drive drunk

other people can’t fucking handle it you like damn man

yeah that’s a

i’m not confident in you

you want to

be this guy here too and someone up there who

hello okay did someone up there have one

okay let me get this guy after

yeah i’ll be

quick so no no i’m not rushing okay

it’s a question for everyone but it

started with something joe said

it was to jim saying that

well you know your perv

and you accept that you’re a perv but

you know you function well in society you’re

productive you’re creative

you know i think that

do you think it’s possible though obviously that he’s

obviously not the only high functioning pervert

but like he can you know like

he’s like a unicorn bro

he’s the one

there’s a lot of high functioning pervert

so they get caught then you realize oh he was a

clinton didn’t just get his dick sucked by one

fatty believe me

well clinton was a whip his dick out in meetings guy

he would like take a chance

like be talking to a girl and just pull his cock out

thinking that you’d just

freak out and just

start sucking it

and apparently it had to have worked a

bunch of times

for him to be

so confident that he just whip it out all the time

but when he was in arkansas

apparently he was just a

monster yeah

doing what you should do

but you know what

the real reality is that

to get a person

that really wants to be in charge like that

the person who really wants to like work 16

hours a day to try to run the government

they want to be the fucking man

they really do that’s

the only type of person that wants to run for president

the type of person that wants to be the

fucking man like that also wants to get his dick sucked

you know they want reverence they want

yeah needs it yeah he’s a fucking freak

but that’s what you get

otherwise you get a shitty president

like jimmy carter

jimmy carter

would never whip his dick out no one was scared of him

you know he couldn’t get a goddamn

thing done because

he didn’t know how to pull his cock out

it just go well ma’am it’s

a getting late

i think i’ll be

going home when

will clinton

an hour earlier

would have had his cock in her mouth

you know he

was closing deals like a

motherfucker son

clinton closed deals dude

i mean he lost a lot of them at the bargaining

table but that


closed a lot of deals that the average person

wouldn’t have

you know there’s some people you know

everybody has been in a situation in life

where you like really

like i met a girl once in connecticut

and i got off

stage i was like

nineteen fucking eighty nine or something like that

and she was so pretty

and she came up to me

and she goes she goes that was really

funny i think you’re really hot i go yeah

wow that’s all i go like really

she goes you want to get out here and fuck

i went okay and i didn’t even know her name

and we were having sex like 20 minutes

later we’re in my hotel room having sex

every now and then that does happen

you’ll meet some completely crazy person

so with a guy like clinton

he was just like come on seven just just

everywhere he goes he was just scratching off tickets

like what do we got here oh you’re normal

sorry sorry

put my dick back in my pants

i just thought

maybe you were a fucking

crazy freak

maybe you’re willing to throw down

i mean there’s a lot of people out there that will

appreciate it

there’s people out there that like getting choked

you know some girls if you’re having sex with them you

choke them they’ll

get mad at you like hey let go of my neck

but other girls go oh fuck yeah

all right we got a winner we got a winner here

you never know

until you try you know how

do you breach the subject of taking a shit in someone’s

chest right

shut the door

yeah normally

what i’ll do is i’ll drop one of rob schneider’s

movies on her

chest and go how do you feel about that

oh and you know what i have to be honest

i don’t really even have

i ever seen a rob schneider

movie it’s a good one

to like he’s got enough enemies and it’s probably

valid okay were you done with your questions or no

yeah well i mean just cause for me it was the

first time i forget what we were talking about

yeah just how

high functioning perverts

and just the idea like

you know without giving too much information i had

you know told a buddy of mine the kind of

stuff i was into and

he’s just like okay what are you into what are you into

well like okay there’s this

there’s this

series called fuck my mom and me

there’s like 14 of them now

fuck my mom and me yeah

so it’s about

two women older younger that want

lesbian experiences or a guy to follow no

it’s what it is it’s like they’re like oh we’re

gonna go to this new job interview

and they just sit down and they’re like

there’s like an

older woman

and then there’s like a

teenager looking girl with like the pigtails

sure and then she’ll be like

so i brought my

daughter to come and

get to know

about the industry

since i do porn

and they’re

like okay well show me your ass show me your tits

and then you know they’ll do this

about five or six different times is it real

no no no obviously they’re not real

daughters no

is there no

but i mean that you know they buy into like they’ll

brian has a lot of

experience about the porn industry

he’s actually

dated porn stars he

could pretty much tell you exactly

were you molested or do you like that i mean oh no like

always had a

thing for older

women and then like how old

well like sophia

lorraine no like yeah

when you were saying sophia

lorraine it was like no i would

you would i

would you didn’t

see yourself just because

it’s sophia

lorraine it’s a

monster you’re not

thinking of

smells are you

yeah you’re not

thinking of

no that’s true

i always thought

like what if they came up with some sort of a

thing that they

could turn an old person into a

young person like they can regenerate your tissue

you know i mean that’s not far outside of the realm

of science the ability to figure out how to regenerate

but what if they

could turn an old lady

into a young

chick she still

smell like an old lady

grandma just

started fucking all your friends

your grandma was a hot

bitch all the

sudden she was like

twenty yeah

and your grandma

like grandma why are you fucking my friends

and then she’s jerking you

often hear the charm bracelet jiggling

she looks like

tracy lords when she smells like barbara walters

just smells like an old rotten husk

rotten old fucking leather bag

like a goddamn catcher

smith that some fat guy i’ve been wearing for a month

wait a second

wait a second

it’s hot as fuck and you have to

spray her with her esther

has a really old name and she hmm

science bro

science someday i like the fact that

you said like i don’t want to give out too many details

well and then it all just came

the whole point was

i didn’t want to take up too

much time because i know there’s a lot of people here

oh please man don’t be humbled this

is what we’re here for there’s more for this

you sound like a

freak with an interesting story no

that’s pretty much that’s pretty much me

but is it a

i like that kind of

point i don’t

think there’s anything

wrong with that i

think that’s just looking for variety of something new

because i’ll look at old lady porn

and not because i want to fucking old

ladies because

wow this girl has her

pussy i’ve never seen an old lady’s pussy

you know so

is that why you

think you do it or are you

interested in it well i’ll tell you well

since it’s all coming out now

when i was a

kid you know i’d go to church and there’d be like all

these sexy older

ladies you know oh yeah

church you know

and that’s where like the the real repressed

sexuality is there because you know what religion

just christianity

no no i didn’t

do catholicism or anything like that so i

would go to church and you know the

women would have

these nice tight outfits so

it’d be a thing you’d have like your

whole how old were you

you know i grew up in church so probably five to 13

yeah so even when you were little you just

hawking on these bitches oh yeah

eagle that’s why

that’s why when i found the

yeah when i

found fuck my mom and me i was like no they finally

they finally did it

they finally did it and i was just really excited so

do you know by the way the

first time i you

know you wink at somebody when you’re attracted to them

i was in church one time and we were doing that

peace be with you

peace be with you

and there was a little blonde girl and i was like

i kept blinking

at her i was like six and she kept smiling

i just kept blinking

and then i realized it was a boy

i swear to god i didn’t know

and so begins his journey yes

yeah the next

thing you know the girls in a

dress with an adam’s

apple and who knows

go ahead sorry i didn’t mean to cut you off with my

homoeroticism but

by the way man

you can get the real shit you have to go to this

fake shit you just go into google and type like mom

daughter russian

and you’ll get

the real shit yeah i’ve seen that like i’ll go to like

you know russian right

or that’s how you know it’s legit yeah

the keyword

that’s important no but it’s

funny like they’ll have

women that are like in

their you know 40s really

attractive you know pornstar

what’s not about that though it’s just memories of your

childhood is that what it is well no

cause i mean they have to be

well put together because i did date someone 15 years

older than me and like you’re saying this like we

never fuck because

just making out was nauseating

you know who’s into

older chicks

benjamin franklin

benjamin franklin

wrote about how

women when they get older really

appreciate you

and the young

girls dating six he was fucking bald and fat and wear

stockings and young chicks would never fuck him

i mean until the

whole believe

me if he didn’t accidentally zap himself he just

would have been some fucking fat fuck

was jerking off looking

20 year olds

out his creepy non window yeah it’s by choice i date

older women

yeah non window

you couldn’t afford windows back then it

was cold out there

yeah now he’s on a you

never knew who the fuck was outside your house

your house was just a box

so yeah pretty much it’s just like

i had told this buddy i

you keep going give the fuck on

somebody else you said to keep

going so i’m

gonna keep going come on man it’s getting harder the

more it’s getting

weirder and weirder to identify with you yeah

jesus but it just it brings me back to the first

he just wants to keep going

it just brings me back to the first

thing about high functioning perverts

well you see

are you you seem normal

i am and that’s the thing is that like it’s the

first time i’ve ever heard someone else

kinda call someone i was like wow you know

i would’ve never

guessed you know or you’re so well your

stuff i think is a bit more acceptable in general

yeah that’s normal shit yeah yours is just what’s even

more normal you’re not getting the real shit

cause even i got the real shit at my house

you wanna see real mom and daughters i got that shit

you got it send me a link

i get all that shit that shit’s hot it’s different

he’s like i don’t want to be too detailed

but they’re so cute when they’re small jack yeah

i don’t touch them i just take pictures oh colonel

fucking colonel from boogie nights you creep

i’ve always said that the strangest

thing about porn is that they’re

still making them

isn’t there enough already made

yeah how much do you

jerk off they’ve been making porn for 30 fucking years

how many porns

is that do you need to make make new ones

well it’s more

like just finding somebody you like now like yes yes

that’s that is what it is but

still it’s still

shocking to me that there’s enough interest to

still be filming it

did you did

your question sir

you ever been no filming i’ve been a

couple yeah i’ve hosted the award show

twice thank you

buddy for your question

i’ve hosted the

with jenna jameson

and i hosted with

oh my god i always forget her name the

avian awards yes and so i got to watch

and film and i got to jenna’s

shoot was like a regular

craft services

and wardrobe was like a regular film shoot

and then the independence that you went and

watched you know were kind of like you know

was this back in the days where

jenna was sort of off the market

and she was only doing girl

scenes i don’t

yeah she was

married her husband jay was there

this was o3

we taped january of 04

so it was like for the o3 year

and i always forget the girl i taped them so in a

o seven fuck

she was a wicked girl but nice i didn’t watch her

shoot it was hot

whatever happened to gage do you remember gage i do

sure sure she’s a

great babysitter stuff

all right babysitter

stuff i like fucking you know i like i like an re vox

because she gave really

sloppy blowjob

like fucking foam blowjobs

which they always look so lovely

it’s like she was

fucking making a cappuccino on his cock

gaggers yeah she was

great yeah that’s another category gagging

oh i love gagging

we were talking about the podcast

today that cream pie is an actual category like

i know enough enough people know what

cream pie means that it’s like such

index yeah to fucking blow a load inside cream pie

rules gagging

i love to dish out a good cream pie

on the way to the airport

what was your question anybody else yeah this guy here

first off i want to say i’m a huge fan of all

three of you guys thank you to be here but i

guess this is more for redband than anything

i don’t know if you noticed

that kevin smith’s taking his whole

smodcast network and doing a

internet yeah absolutely

radio network with it is there any

chance that

death squad’s

gonna do anything like that or anything what do you

mean by that like just do it like move on to a 24 hour

type of if there was more than me

doing it yeah

absolutely but i’m already down

right now this is my

second podcast

today second yesterday i have two tomorrow it’s like

it’s it’s killing me of course i

should have employees but when there’s like really no

money into it

you know i mean i’m not kevin

smith kevin

smith has you know

like sponsors and

stuff like that so

i can see in the future that’s kind of why i wanted to

start it is just kind of get

ahead of the game a little

the success of joe’s we might as

well we thought hey we

might as well just have a

whole bunch of podcasts with all our friends

and then we

could all work together

and bounce off each other

so yeah in the future

definitely i mean i

would love to do that you know and the death

squad name came

from when we were on the opie and anthony show

opie yeah opie

yeah oh yeah

it was like he was joking around because i brought in

tate fletcher was on the ultimate

fighter and

eddie bravo and

i remember they were all in studio

and he goes oh joe rogan shows up with the

death squad

and then i think it was joey diaz

started calling us it

right was it joey

i was saying and

after that he

started repeating it and then we just

stuck you know as a funny

stupid name

you know but yeah

definitely in the future that’s what the

whole the master plan is and

stuff like that but

yeah and the also the master plan is

as we are we’re all network together

it helps everybody you know like you know like joey

diaz had a show tonight in manhattan and he calls me up

dog make sure you

tweeted my show

and so i’m twittering

his show and i’m trying to you know it’s like

we help each

other out and you know

the bigger joey gets the bigger

brian gets the bigger ari gets we all you

know it helps get

everything out there and

it’s fun it’s fun to have a

group of people

that are all doing well together you know

yes makes it interesting like

like i said i mean a big fan of

everything so it’d be really awesome to get that

on well we’re

gonna keep going with all this shit it’ll

definitely accelerate

i don’t know

where it’s gonna lead but

you know one of the

things that i’m most fortunate

about is that i

have a lot of cool friends i have a lot of interesting

friends and we have cool conversations and this

podcast has really sort of reinforced that you know

reminds me of the bumper

sticker i created it says one for all and all for one

i sell it after shows arms are for huggings my favorite

until someone breaks in your fucking house

i got a fast one

have you your mics off

you’re panicking

okay this one’s pretty much for joe

have you ever shroomed in the isolation chamber no

mostly i eat pot and go in there that’s my favorite

thing that seems to be the scariest rod

is eating it and going in there

i like to eat enough so that i’m fucking terrified of

everything and then i climb in

jimmy have you ever shroomed at all

me yeah have you ever

done any psychedelics at all no i used to do mescaline

which would make me laugh a lot

psychedelic that’s a

san pedro cactus

but i never did

acid i never because people

wouldn’t take it with me they thought i

would have a fucking problem

so i never did acid i never did

any type of psychedelics because i was i

think they would have been bad for me i

really that’s buzzy that’s a bummer to me

you never know they

might have been really good for you yeah it

might have been the thing that opened the door to your

one of the number one things for addiction insiders

there’s two things that people use for addiction

ebagin is a big one and

ayahuasca is another big one and they’re both

super intense introspective psychedelics

and they cure a lot of people of

drug addiction obsessive compulsive

behavior oh

really all sorts of personality issues yeah yeah

it’s illegal in america of course

but you can go to mexico and they have ebegain

ebogain ebogain don’t know how to say it

they have clinics down there

where you go and take it and my friend ed

went down there and it changed his whole life

ed clay he owns a jiu jitsu

school in nashville

and it completely

changed his life he’s a totally different human being

after you had that

experience like

it’s like literally

i think a real

strong psychedelic

experience is like you

know meeting the divine

it really is like that like it brings you

to some place that

allows you to see what’s possible out of

humans out of thinking out of life out of the universe

and then you come back into this

world of shit and you try to make the better of it

yeah i don’t

i don’t do any type of drugs

you ever think about it though

have you ever thought about anything

about like psychedelics

or something

but i can’t i know i don’t trust myself

i’ve proven that i cannot handle it

right so you don’t it’s intoxicating

but you were what 15 women when i was

18 i got over

but it’s just the risk is not worth it what i

would lose i would lose everything it’s not worth it

right i can’t do it joe can do it and have a

great career

and it’d be a great stand up and have a fucking ufc

like you know he

does his stuff

and doesn’t miss anything

it’s a part of his life but for me it overtakes me

like i can’t handle

i had to write at the comedy

seller so i

wouldn’t just jerk off

so you did all

your writing like there during the day as it was not

bad no no no

no this is as long as i was doing a book and i had

to now it’s

better so when you were doing the book though you would

just show up there with a laptop i

would do four sets on a saturday and

three on a friday

i would just

write in between and

there would be enough

noise distraction i need some distraction when i write

a little buzz in the comedians talking

but it will be good for me

i still will

write there sometimes though at night

but only what i’m doing is set

wow you know

it’s a program that i talk

about on the podcast all the time it’s called

right room and it’s great

you have to

activate it obviously but what it is is once you do it

the screen is totally

black and you just have green text

that’s it and

you don’t access any of the programs

and then you have to hit escape

to go back to your normal window

right yeah but it’s amazing use a mac or a pc

i use a mac yeah

it’s for a mac

i’ll show it to you it’s good

it helps me

from checking my twitter

looking on facebook writing that

stupid shit

you know those distractions

i think it’s an interesting

thing that comics all seem to

share this obsession thing

with me it’s

video games any kind of games

i can get very obsessed with things

thankfully it’s

never been drugs

it’s never been like anything destructive

the drugs that i’ve ever been into they’re only like

psychedelics like pot and mushrooms and

stuff like that

i’ve never been into like destroying my life coke or

no never never even

tried but with

with games man

i have a real fucking problem i really have to

avoid them and with ari

ari you know it’s either masturbation or sometimes it’s

gambling and playing poker

and every comic has some

crazy obsession for me it’s just physical fitness

my obsession is with just really taking care of myself

being really vascular yes

how can i take a man’s body and put tits on it haha

who’s got the mic

yeah hey guys what’s up hey

fella i got a question

how do i sell my girl on the flesh

first of all congrats on

rocking that fat fucking mustache you got there fella

i think you need to shave

off the goatee and just go straight straight

state trooper

handlebars going on

she played third base for the phillies in the late 70s

so how your

girlfriend like

how do i how do i sell this you have a vibrator

what do you mean by sell the

flashlight for me to get

one you gotta own that shit son

that’s what we

gotta do you just

gotta go this is

look you know i beat off now i beat off into this done

okay sometimes you gotta set

boundaries in a relationship you know

you gotta make sure that no one fucks at your personal

space if you wanna

jerk off into a tube you gotta be able to do that man

is that what a flashlight is it’s just like a jerk

sleeves amazing and i’ve got one for you all right

i’d like to use one

i’ll get you one i got a box of them at home i like to

point at my girlfriend just go you know what

this is not as annoying as you

this is everything you are

minus the expense and annoyance

yeah the only

issue is that

you don’t have to clean your girlfriend

you don’t have to clean the

flashlight either

well if you’re wealthy

you can just buy a new one just buy like five a week

when you can’t put your dick in

because it’s like an ear with too much wax in it

then you fuck it you jump on it like

toothpaste it shoots out on the rug and then you

fuck it again

and the officials

all the way up to the top like a fucking oil well

yeah be capped

that’s what you do you

throw out your

eight pound

flashlight you

get a fucking new one you fill that up to

with toilets i know your flashlights awful heavy

smell it turns your flashlights rusted

you can make a fucking house out of your loads yeah

fuck it is is your wife or your

girlfriend do you it’s a girlfriend

well see there you go man it’s not even a wife listen

you got to put your foot down bro do some squats

i’m sure she has dildos too and you know squats and

stakes that’s what i recommend

yeah for sure man you know it’s just a

touchy subject

it’s a touchy subject with you and her

have you brought it

up have you reached the subject no i just wondering how

broached breached whatever

which one why is it

touchy is she

like a boring one

no i haven’t even

asked her but just the

whole master

are you scared

are you scared of losing her

she finds out you jerk off into a tube

maybe you know

you know what it is man

there’s something that’s kind of creepy about

planning out beating off and that’s what people have

a problem with sex toys and pocket

pussies like really you used your credit card like

you know it’s

like you actually went out of your way like now i’m

gonna go buy one of

these things

then i’m gonna fuck it yeah but

it’s something one if you’re jerking off in the shower

it’s like they can almost like forgive you for that

but if you go out and buy a pocket

pussy she’s like i’m

right here motherfucker you know

he’s afraid charles bronson’s

gonna kill me you know what this is for it’s like

jacking off

in ten to midnight that guy with the

great ass who was killing women naked


next person who’s got the mic

jack and all he was who’s next

how do you guys know who’s next

yeah this question’s for joe i was wondering

about when you go on

the tank and

lose yourself and you say you go on the hulu safety

hallucination trips is that like a dmt or a psilocybin

trip or is it

a completely different trip when you go in there

it’s similar you know it depends on how

relaxed you get

how you know

it’s very very difficult to let go

if you’ve never had a sensory deprivation tank

experience and you’re

thinking about it i

should just say this to anybody who’s listening

google where to float

just google that term and there’s a website

that you can go to that lists there’s two of them

they list all the different

places all across the country we

could rent tanks

there’s a bunch in la there’s a few rather

but it’s hard to find them in

other parts of the country

the big thing is

about letting go

the big thing is

about learning how to

relax that’s what you

should look into jimmy

see you don’t want to do drugs

the isolation

tank i know they have them in new york i guarantee you

there’s people that tell me they

float in new york all the time i get

emails from people

but it’s good though to

float i would feel

fantastic it’s

great for your body too

yeah it’s really

relaxing it’s really good for your muscles and your

alignment and

everything out i

hear my back popping sometimes when i’m in there

cause it’s like

zero gravity

usually a couple

hours at a time i usually do

about two hours at a time you do like at night

yeah i do when everybody’s asleep

i like to do when there’s the

least amount of possible energy there’s

least amount of movement i want

everything still

i don’t want it just

quiet i want to make it

i want to maximize the idea of the sensory deprivation

and if you don’t

know what it is it’s a tank that’s filled with

water and the water has

salt in it 800

pounds of salt

and when you lie in it the temperature of the

water is the same temperature

it’s heated to the same temperature as your skin

so you have no sensory

input you don’t feel the

water you’re floating

you don’t hear anything your ears are underwater

and you’re in

total silence

total darkness

and in the absence of sensory

input your brain just kind of goes

crazy how do

you breathe though i’m claustrophobic a little but that

would drive me nuts yeah

if my ears had

water on them

but my nose didn’t i

would just keep hearing myself like i am now

and i would do this

i’m gonna try

that tonight you have to i can do it for hour

i do it into a vagina that really

creeps a girl out

yeah yeah next

time you eating

pussy just go eh

me you gonna come back down to san diego and do a

stand up show soon

yeah i’ll definitely go back to san

diego again i

think i remember when the last time was there

it’s been a while

house of blues

house of blues yeah

i have a problem

with venues

and this is

the problem is i don’t want people to have to stand up

and a lot of the bigger

places that you do when you

start doing like

house of blues

usually they seat

about 600 people but they

can have standing like 1100

and i always say well i only want a standing

seated show

and you’re the

first person that i ever

heard say that actually

i heard you say that on opie and anthony

and i was like what’s the big deal

like who cares if it was a seated show or a

standing show because there was some dispute

about one of your shows

and then i went to see stanhope in la

and i was in the audience

and it was some fucking bar that he had this

crazy show at and we had to

stand up the whole time

after half an hour

my fucking back hurts man this is not comfortable

it’s not comfortable

yeah brian was

right with me

and i decided then there and then i

would never do a

standing show

again i never do

standing shows i take less

money or i wind

up doing two shows because seated is just a better show

and we caught a

promoter lying

about the standing room sometimes in some of the

house of blues they’ll have

standing room but they tell you

about it and we’re

allowing them to sell x amount of

standing tickets but i know that

that’s what it is and people know when they’re going

but this one

place in dc we caught the

promoter trying some

sneaky shit what place

i don’t remember it was actually a theater

some theater in down

dc or virginia

and my agent

my road manager club sort of

kenny caught them and then my

agent fucking jumped on live nation it was like a

local live nation

thing and ooh

did we make him pay for a late show

ooh he fucked him good

the canyon club is the last

place that fuck me the canyon club in gory hills

we had a very specific

language in the contract that we’re not supposed to be

standing people

and i went there

with people

stand there’s so many fucking people

standing there

and they’re like well we always do this for every show

you know the

you read the contract

motherfucker you know what it’s supposed to be

other comics don’t have a problem with people

standing like

so i just did it we had a

fucking x amount of people this is how many it will fit

and we made them flip

into a late show we didn’t know they were making people

they would just

cut the line outside and said you guys got to come

back to a late show i didn’t know they were doing that

we made them actually pay me for a

second show because

we were so mad i’m like i don’t want my fans standing

they told us that

a bunch of people just ran up and bought tickets

i’m like well then we’ll do two shows i’m not

gonna do that good for you yeah it’s

annoying standing

stand up for not

standing up yeah yeah

next person

who’s got it who’s gets it okay

how do you guys know you’re so organized

this is the politest little audience ever

hey joe hey

kind of bringing it back to the flotation tanks

again i know you’ve mentioned a place called

float lab i was checking them out online

they’re in venice the float labs in venice

have you actually been in one of

those tanks yeah i have one of those in my house

yeah do you have the ones with the

screen i don’t understand no no

no i’m not into that what is that for all the

water would leak out sir no he’s got

what he’s referring to the guy who is the designer of

the tanks at float lab

has this invention

it’s a screen where you can watch documentaries

while you’re floating

and there’s

speakers that are under the water

and you can the sound apparently

the sound wise is supposed to be incredible

he has these speakers rigged up

and apparently you feel the vibration of the

sound through your entire body because you’re

underwater but i’m not i’m not into that i’m trying to

escape from all input

i don’t want to cut out most input and then

throw in something that’s going to be magnified

you know but the idea is that you

could learn much better when you’re in the tank you

could learn languages

and all kinds of shit like that and

then you might as well just sit in your bathtub and

watch tv then

yeah that’s good

point you know what i mean that’s

defeating the

number well

because you’re weightless your body’s weightless

in there and the idea is that you’re not like

even when you’re sitting there watching a

movie like sometimes like damn my butt’s numb and you

gotta like move your butt

to the side or something like that you know what i mean

it’s like you’re dealing with a

bunch of different

a bunch of different

sensory inputs into your brain you

get out of the tank or you just piss

no i don’t piss in there i piss

right before i go in

i get out but

i don’t jerk off in there either but i want to

that’s when i know i should get out of the tank when i

start thinking i should just beat off right now

that’s when it’s time to get out i’ve

clearly lost my touch with the universe sure

if your penis

is brought it right back around to my dick

you know that’s the valve

the valve of the id

i’d be afraid of getting salt in my asshole

yeah it feels good

does it really feels good in your cleansing too

yeah it’s good yeah

chips away the rust

also brian i was wondering if you ever

ended up trying out the flotation

no he keeps on offering but

he’s scared

i’m not scared i know

i just i i’ve talked to so many people that i

think that have tried it that i feel like i

would be exactly like that person

where what do you think

where i think i’ll lay there i don’t think i’m gonna be

tripping i think i’ll be relaxed but i don’t think i’m

you know sees fucking

jesus or anything like that you don’t always see jesus

it takes a long time but for

relaxing i’m fine just laying around fucking

i’m bad you say that dude

but it’s weightlessness

it’s really if if you could take

it in a pill form what it does to you in the tank

it would be fucking credible

if you could take a pill

and you’re like

holy shit it’s kicking in i

gotta lie down

i gotta lie down

oh my god i’m flying through fucking space

i can’t feel my body

i have no attachment to any input

oh my god i’m detached

to the universe

you’re untethered your

brain becomes untethered to the

whole world

that’s not just

lying down man yeah but mushrooms is

cheaper and you

could do it with a girl

mushrooms are

great nothing

wrong with mushrooms it’s a different

experience though to be

completely removed from your body in the tank

it’s something different yeah

it’s very natural and it’s really good for you

you get out of there you feel good like you feel like

energized and

charged it releases

an incredible amount of muscle tension that you

carry around with you

because just

standing there

just having posture

your muscles are constantly

moving and working just to keep your

spine erect

but when you get in there it’s just

you let everything go and you flying

and once your

brain gets the

first thing that happens is you

start wanting to itch

things you start

thinking my balls itch i

should itch my balls

with them and get salt on them it’ll be more itchy you

start thinking weird shit

and it’s really your

brain is giving you

busy work because it can’t believe it has nothing to do

your mind can’t believe i don’t have

to move anything i don’t feel it i’m not processing any

input nothing

because once you

completely center and stop moving

you really lose the feeling of the

water really

rapidly because in the

first 5 10 minutes you don’t even feel the

water anymore

especially once you get good at it and

you become conditioned to the kind of experience

i recommend it for everybody man it’s

great for self analysis

it’s the most amazing

thing about it

self analysis and

relaxation it’s fucking

tremendous thanks

you’re welcome

who else one day i

might try it i’m just

come on over tomorrow fucker

i’m not going to do yours i don’t

trust your scary

i don’t come in it and why that

you’d be afraid of laying there in a lily pad

floats on your

cheek yeah yeah

you’re a wise man

because my loads will drag you down into the plumbing

they’ll find you once

again there he is hold on

stay inert until he gets in

it’s convenient

that saltwater to you know yeah it’s all nice and white

who’s talking about

tripping balls

it’s important to note the guy from the salvia

youtube videos is sitting in the crowd right now famous

tripper but also do you wait which one which video

he’s talking about you buddy with the hat

no who i made a play

which guy he’s from our message

board remember the guy that’s

doing salvia while he’s driving

and who was doing salvia while they were driving

you you did salve

it’s a funny

video you gotta check it out if you go into google

what’s the keyword for it

hold give that man a microphone

i was hoping you were the guy

fucking because nobody can hear what is it i was hoping

you were the guy from the fucking lizard one in the

closet oh no cups

what happens

me and him have a

sketch group called let’s go to

class and we did a web

series called

being productive on salvia

i love it already

you haven’t

you definitely have seen this no i have not

that’s ridiculous

that there’s a

thousand times on your message

where it’s hilarious friday friday

i’ve seen that fun fun

fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun we so

excited somebody did the tonight show with her tonight

well really tonight show she was on tonight

wow what’s that like

she was nice she’s so

poor little girls getting torn apart

fourteen it’s like she was eighteen i’d be i’d fucking

be murdering her but she’s like fourteen i was like

a little kid with a bad song

but it’s fascinating yes so bad it’s good though

yes not my favorite

i’m sorry so

you you have

videos where

you it’s called your your your

sketch group is called

uh let’s go to

class and if you

search for driving on salvia it’ll

uh it’ll show up and i i’m really smoking i was also on

you really smoking you

still on driving oh yeah

am i still on it

no i said you

still are smoking i meant

as in hot but it bombed horribly so i just sounded

i just sounded gay

you were driving around

while you’re smoking

i know it’s like

it was a totally

controlled scenario

i didn’t actually have the keys in my hand but the

point is that

like i’m like a host and i’m doing it very politely

i’m talking to the camera and i set up this agenda

that we’re gonna

accomplish and then i go and then

first let’s take a hit of our salvia and then i

smoke it and

it’s fucking hilarious and within

seconds i’m gone what people

don’t know is that salvia is like a hundred times more

crazy than marijuana and you can buy it almost

every state in the country

yeah it’s a

super powerful

psychedelic one of the most

powerful but

when they had that

sweeping legislation that

they passed in the 1970 or whatever the fuck it was

when they made

everything illegal

they missed that one

you know some of my

videos were played in court

you know what

else they missed five methoxy dimethyltryptamine

which is way more

powerful than regular dmt

and you could buy it online

how about that

used to be able to buy it online now i

think it’s illegal

now it’s illegal yeah

did anno but i did it in my

house and he almost died

i thought wasn’t sure what was going on

did you guys also make the the

video where you two are sharing a girl having sex with

and oh yeah

the foursome yeah for there’s another fucking hilarious

video they make hilarious videos

so check them out

thanks guys

we’ll pump you guys up

the what all

right give me that

microphone back to the

thank you you know what really gets me high

helping people

no that guy

pass it back yeah to the guy behind you there you go

sorry buddy

that was pretty much it also i thought it was

classic for the

folks at home that you were

drinking greedily out of a box

while talking

about golden showers

oh yeah greedily

did i can fuck it i can

watch a beheading video

while eating lasagna

next me and doug stanhope made a

right after the

first beheading video he was so pissed off at

verizon dsl i remember

that beheading video just to send him

up with a pan right cooking he’s like

yeah if you don’t turn my dsl back on i’m

gonna hit this guy over the head with a cookie pan

it’s pretty funny

yeah i was curious this is for joe like i know you have

certain like conspiracy theories

talk about you know

crazy alex joe and stuff i’m curious how much

black helicopters do you believe in it how much do you

think it’s just we don’t know

how much do you well you know

stocking put into it when you

start believing anything man you know

reality itself

is very fucking strange

i mean who knows what this is

you know we’re all doing it

we’re all accepting it but if this wasn’t our reality

and we were somehow

under thrust into this

world we would feel very uncomfortable we

would feel very fucked up i mean this

reality itself

is very strange we don’t know exactly what it is

we don’t even

understand consciousness

we don’t know what

is your brain a

vessel for consciousness is it a

radio for consciousness

is consciousness non

local is it

we don’t know what the fuck life is

we don’t know what the fuck happens to us when we sleep

so i think it’s

silly whenever someone says

i believe in ufos i believe lee harvey oswald acted

alone i believe this

you can think about it

but if you went

drawing a conclusion

about things like ufos or

things where there’s no

proof it’s like

who knows man

and conspiracy theories

here’s the problem with conspiracy theories

some of them are real

hundred percent there’s no question

about it when you see

that the men who used to work for the sec

and the people that used to

you know oversee

financial institutions

make sure they’re not doing fucked up

things and then

these people

leave that organization and go work for banks

and get these

giant fucking

crazy cushy jobs

that’s a conspiracy

when you hear about

any of the shit that happened

you know with

operation northwoods or with

all the shit they

tried to do with

during the kennedys


with like the bay of pigs and there’s

a lot of conspiracies that are real there’s a lot of

real things

where people conspire to make something happen

but when you

start labeling

things conspiracy theories

what happens is all of a

sudden they get labeled

as something that only a

silly person

would think

about or entertain

and that’s when it gets really weird

it’s like if

you tell people that

you believe in ufos you automatically get put into some

silly little category

you know why i find

conspiracy theories get

labeled that

way and i’ve argued with enough conspiracy theorists

is because when i’m

thinking of something whether it was not 11 or kennedy

i’m not married to the outcome

like i’m not married

jim norton is

not tied in with oswald being the lone assassin

so when somebody gives me a fact that i

think is interesting i really do process it logically

and when i hear

other people not processing facts

like that because they’re involved in the conspiracy

and i think they’re full of shit like

when i see them looking past

things that really do make sense

to get to the one little

minutiae of a

point that could somehow allude to

their theory being true

then i find them full of shit

and that’s happened

whenever i’ve talked

about 9 11 or the kennedy

assassination i’ve

tried to have conversations with people

and i hear them just being irrational and i don’t

think i’m being irrational so that’s why i’ve lost

those are the two big ones

right 9 11 and

the kennedy assassination are the two big ones

yeah the ones

that people get emotionally invested and sometimes

i know people that have had they’ve

dedicated entire

chunks of their life

like the alex

jones dude and i know a

bunch of people that work for alex jones

jason the guy who did the

loose change documentaries

sure those fucking guys are invested in it man

here’s a perfect example

there was a guy

jose escamelia

or something like that i don’t remember his name

but he was the guy that was making

videos about rods

do you remember rods

if nobody remembers

there’s a fucking guy that had all

these ufo rods and roswell rods

and apparently

what they did was they were filming in mexico

and they captured these

things on high

speed video

and they’re flying through the air

and what they said it looks like a squid

but it’s moving

so fast you can only capture it on camera

and then you have to review the camera to find

these rods this

motherfucker dedicated

decades to this shit and

mythbusters are not mythbusters but monster

was that show

monster quest

monster quest

cracked it figured out what it is

it’s just a bug

in front of the camera

and it’s a video artifact

where the video camera can’t pick up the

speed of the bug’s too

close and it’s moving too quickly

so it stretches the

image of the bug out to try to capture it

it’s just a

video artifact

they had two cameras

that were filming the

exact same thing

one of them was like this

super high speed high tech camera

and the other one is a

standard camera

and their standard camera

would create these rods

these roswell rods

this poor fuck

like dedicated his

whole life to nonsense

and he still

doesn’t admit it he

still got the website up

because he’s

married to the idea exactly and he cannot let it

and that’s the problem with most conspiracy theorists

is they become

it was like the

loose change guy like at

first they said no

plane hit the pentagon

no no no it was a missile

and now he’s saying well it was a plane but

i think he’s

changed they

allow themselves

a million mistakes and a million changes to fit

their theory

but if they find one

minor inconsistency

in the testimony of a

dallas cop all of a

sudden it proves

conspiracy they’re just

completely irrational

i think yeah well

there’s both ways of looking at it for sure you know

because i bought into this

right i bought

into the oswald i bought into the kennedy conspiracy

completely i

completely was a conspiracy theorist

and then i continued to read

things and fuck

it just became harder and harder for me to buy it

and i just began to believe oswald was the loan

i changed my opinion

almost against my will to do so

that’s interesting

that’s the one to me that seems pretty carved in stone

i mean i’m not i’m open to the idea that i as well

as well that actually pulled

it off on his own but so many fucking people said they

heard shots so many of

those people

that were witnesses died in strange accidents

i mean there’s the the fact that the warren commission

had to come up with this single bullet theory in the

first place the only reason why

they did that was because they had to account for this

third bullet

because it hit an

underpass and chipped

off a chunk of the curbstone

and ricochet and hit this fucking guy in the head

he got hit by that

ricochet so they had to

count for a

third bullet

so they said okay

well it must

been one bullet that did all this damage to

these two people

there’s never been a bullet ever that’s ever been

fired into any fucking

bone that came out looking like that bullet it’s

ridiculous that

that bullet they

found it on the gurney when they

brought connolly into the hospital just so conveniently

it’s nonsense it’s

silly there’s a lot of that

story that absolutely

reeks of deception

there’s a lot of it that reeks

of manipulation a lot of it that reeks of conspiracy

so absolutely i mean and i can’t explain the single

bullet theory 100

i do know that when you watch jfk

and they show like how

could this bullet make a

right turn and go down

they’re being dishonest because kennedy was on a

he was more towards

the middle i

was on a raised seat

there’s like

things that they make

the single bullet theory seem

completely ridiculous

what oswald was a terrible shot

he wasn’t he was a

sharpshooter he wasn’t a terrible shot

really yes i read that a

bunch of different

places yes it’s a myth in the military he was an

expert and he was a

sharpshooter he tested

extraordinarily good shot

really yeah

that’s interesting and they feel that that shot has

never been no

he’s such a good

sharpshooter that he could

shoot a guy from behind and make his head go like this

but there’s actually that’s

but that’s all that’s actually to a few i’ve seen

a photo of kennedy

when that bullet

first hits there’s a

photo invincible

dosey who prosecuted manson

wrote a book

it’s the book

about the jfk assassination

and you see the

photo like in

photo negative

and kennedy’s head is leaning forward

and the stuff is coming out forward and it’s

not you’ve seen the

photo it’s a

picture that

the conspiracy

theorists don’t show you

and that shot has been reenacted

many times and one guy

i think there’s a

specialist named miller i could be

wrong actually improved on the time with the same gun

there’s all

these weird

things that have been done that

the conspiracy theorists just don’t look at

and i’m saying i

think i’m not

saying that i

think that it

couldn’t be done that you couldn’t

shoot a guy

from that i mean you look people have pulled off

extraordinary shots as

an army sniper or us

military sniper

that killed

two guys with one bullet at like a mile away recently

you know which is pretty fucking incredible

things have been pulled off but

i don’t buy that guy but

being by himself back

into the left yeah back

they did throw that in and jfk man but there was

it was oswald

was certainly up there i mean there was the

same i think the same guy that caught the ruby shooting

who caught oswald getting shot

i believe was in dearly plaza and actually saw

him in the window and saw the

rifle and thought he was

secret service and regretted not

photographing it

that’s who knows

who knows what the fuck they really saw

you know that gets into

weird hearsay

sort of shit but there were guys in the

floor below

oswald that

heard fucking

that heard the shell

casings hitting the

floor there’s also

people that whenever

there’s a fucking reporter around there i heard it

he’s the man for sure i was hard

let me tell

you something

about when i was

doing a show called

game show in my head

and this really soured me

on people’s evidence and people

giving testimony

we did this

thing with game

show in my head was a show that we did for cbs where

we would show up

with a contestant we

would say okay here’s what you got to do

there’s hidden cameras

everywhere we

would say here’s what you

gotta do you

gotta find somebody you are a

reporter for a

local news station

there’s an event that just happened

a ufo was spotted

right here and you have to go find someone

that’s willing to go on air

and say that they were

taken aboard this ufo

and no matter any

what whatever way you get to

manipulate them this is what you know this is what you

gotta do so

these people

would run up to people

and say listen here’s the deal man there was this

thing this is ufo was here

and we brought the film crew

but by the time we brought

the film crew here the guy was the witness took off

would you be willing to say that you had seen this ufo

and these fucking people all did it like that

it was crazy

like they turned the camera on them they go okay you

ready okay we’re live here in hollywood

on hollywood boulevard with this man martin

blah blah blah blah blah

so martin you were

taken aboard this ufo

yeah man it came down

and there was a

light and the

light was it was a bright silver

craft it was rotating

white guy you just

start fucking talking yeah

yeah he’s a wigger

i think he’s a rapper a

white rapper

yeah it’s um

it’s amazing how full of shit people are

it’s incredible

people are full of shit and

they love to tell stories

so it’s very hard to

listen to eyewitness

stories about anything

just the amount of people you’d have to corrupt

i just don’t believe to do what

to pull off a conspiracy

abu ghraib couldn’t be kept a secret

yeah but that’s just because

they got a hold of photos

how many abu

ghraibs have been in the past

where they did keep it a

secret probably a fuck load

probably a fuck load because don’t forget new

photos that just came out in afghanistan

of new bodies

where there’s people fucking holding

bodies and taking

pictures with them and

one of them was some guy that was seller palance

they’re family friends for 20 years

this guy’s holding someone by the hair that’s all right

obama was friend with william heirs

everybody has shitty friends

i mean when you’re

a politician we all have shitty friends well i’m

not saying there’s anything

wrong with that but you know i think

people have been doing that forever

i think there’s a lot of conspiracies that are real

there might

be and i’m not saying

i honestly think that there are how

about the gulf of tonkin

i guess that i don’t know from about that i mean i know

it was a big conspiracy and it was a problem okay

i don’t i don’t i don’t know the

more they’ve made up a it’s a fake attack

yeah i don’t know

about it was that just one guy saying hey i got an idea

we could do this in the

other ones like yeah

what are you talking

about that’s retarded but they had to just

write it down anyway because

you know like

is that an actual like

which one the golf autonomy yeah

yeah no it’s a military idea yeah

i had a way to get 50

million ideas you know

what they did with operation

northwards is

they were trying to figure out a way to get people into

that would be enthusiastic

about going to war with cuba

nobody wanted to go to war with cuba

so they decided they were

going to fake attacks on american

civilians and even they were

going to lob mortars on guantanamo bay they were

going to arm cuban

friendlies they were

going to attack guantanamo bay so we would have

well now we got to go over there and attack cuba

this is like they were

going to sacrifice american lives they were

going to blow up a

drone jet liner

and they were

going to blame it on cuba

this is all written shit yeah

what i’m saying is did they write

at this idea or some

guy that worked in

the military thought of this idea and then like an hour

later like yeah

that’s probably not a good idea and just had to put

it in the record and it was

vetoed by kennedy it was assigned by the joint

chiefs of staff and it was

vetoed by kennedy a

bunch of people talked

about it and they

drafted this proposal

this was like

a real idea that they had that’s how little they care

about human life and

about they wanna do what they

wanna do and if

they wanted to go to war with cuba for whatever fucking

crazy reason

who knows what it is

when you see this shit

happen in libya

and you see all

these different

things that are happening overseas

do you get skeptical do you go

who the fuck is

why are all

these different

dictators getting overthrown at the same time

why are all

these people rising up are they really being

motivated by all

these other successful

rebellions or is this a part of some fucking

sneaky black ops shit

i think it’s

motivation because

when egypt was happening

everybody said if mubarak leaves

yemen all these

other you know

and then they saw it worked

if you see something works

you do it then everybody gets a little bit more balls

you know what i mean if mubarak

had just opened fire and killed all

those people

then no other country

would have done it because they

would have been scared i

have no time to pay attention to this shit

i think that’s what

i was paying attention

these fucking banana republics

these wacky

dictators and

their fucking

military outfit i have no time

there’s not enough time in the day

pay attention

these nutty

motherfuckers on another part of the planet that’s

backwards and

it’s basically they’re the townies of the

world you know

that’s what they are that’s what

the middle east is that’s where

civilization was created

you know i do joe when i want to

laugh i just read betel valley

comics oh i laugh

there’s nothing funnier than the fun

check out ziggy

you like it

what are the fucking what about

yanked out of newspapers they’re fucking

does anybody ever laughed

at family circus i

would only enjoy that

if like john list was the father

good topic of you

know bailey

guy who murdered his family

twenty six years ago

are we done

should we go home

we probably

should yeah

if anybody has one more

pressing question

we’ll take it so we can end this fucker strong

you sir do you do you ready

he’s ready get that

motherfucker a

microphone he’s

gonna bring this home for us by the way

we’re sponsored by

flashlight yeah

we’re sponsored by the

flashlight if you go to joebrogan

net and enter in the code

name brogan you get 15

off and if you want to buy this yeah

i’m sorry i mean

i didn’t mean to fucking step on your applause what a

self centered asshole i am

my cd is on itunes despicable

hilarious it’s hilarious i’ve been listening

to it all the way over here and

jimmy actually

influenced me

really recently i went to see him in austin

and i’ve been telling everybody this and

after i saw you

i think you did like 50 minutes

maybe 55 minutes

you fucking destroyed

and i’m like you know what i

gotta stop doing

these long ass sets

i was doing like

these hour and a half sets

where i’d have

these like question answers with the crowds

and a lot of it was good you know and people

like the free balling and just talking to people and

stuff like that

but a lot of it is like god damn this

is taking forever and everyone’s sort of kidnapped and

they don’t want to

leave and be rude and

i decided that i

would start doing

shorter sets i do i’ve been doing like an hour

i do about an

hour i’m comfortable doing an hour like i always ask

kenny when i come off

longest it goes an hour and ten hour nine

it’s always in that area between 58 an hour and nine i

tried bill byrne and i were talking

about that today

just and you know just

smash it rss

an hour it’s over

yeah rss feeds

for life stitcher in the

house okay your

question sir

yeah no no no

pressure this is the last question of the evening

of our first ever live podcast

by the way you guys were fucking fantastic

you guys rule

greatest crowd we

could have ever hoped for

we sold this

place out in ten minutes

you’re building up this question even more

yeah i know i’m trying to

put a lot of

pressure on this one go

and i think that joe

should be given a

round of applause

because of really his choice of guests

i’m so happy we got you on man

i wanted to have

jimmy on since we

started you know i texted joe i’m like

could we do a podcast he’s like yeah we’ll just

hook it up and here it is yeah it’s beautiful that we

could do this

so what’s up buddy

you ready yeah sure

all right you know joe i’ve always wondered

you got a favorite weed

a favorite weed favorite i like

train wreck

yeah the train

wreck yeah just

cause it’s so aptly name and

it’s what i like most

about pot is

it sounds silly but i like

the terrifying

feeling that nothing makes sense

and a lot of people

call it paranoia

but i call it

hyper awareness

because you really are a fucking bag of skin and

blood on a rock that’s flying through the universe

surrounding a

giant nuclear explosion and

trainwreck makes me realize that

every single time

and that’s why

it gives me

a sense of humility

it humbles me and it makes me

it makes me

aware of my mortality

and the temporary nature of the world

and you just got

two three hits in that’s all you need

the end thank you very much for coming you guys

fucking rule

this is a tremendous

success for us

creatively we will

definitely be doing it again

thank you very much

kevin smith for taking care of us and

hooking us up in your spot

thank you brian redband follow him on twitter r e

d b a n follow jim norton

j i m n o r

t o n we love you bitches take care bye bye thanks

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