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and here we go buckle up bitches
brian red band
ladies and gentlemen give it up for brian red band
and our guest mr jimmy norton let him know
folks come on well jimmy
welcome welcome one and all to the
first ever live
podcast that we’ve done
you rest on your hands if this fucking sucks
it’s up to you guys if we seem artificial
and fake and shall we because it’s an audience here
out of our environment
we’re out of my house we usually do it in my
my office so basically this is a new
experience for all of us which is kind of fun yeah
just three weirdos and a bunch of fucking
freaks that want to hear him talk
how great would a fucking fire be at the exit
right there
like the happy land disco in the bronx just a bunch of
screaming burning people
and the only
thing that saves
us is that you fan everybody with that hat
we’d all have
to be grateful that you wore that hat tonight
thank god he was here
is it made out of hemp yeah
that’s the one problem thing
about weed people
you know i have a line of t shirts now
and you know
they’re not made out of hemp
and i keep getting emails like what the fuck bro
why not hemp
i don’t know because where the fuck do you find hemp
teeth that’s a pain in the ass man
they’re not usually
very comfortable either they’re usually kind of rough
have you ever had like hemp like
shirts or clothing yeah
they’re canvasy yeah they’re canvasy
well they can make them soft right
you should make them out of the skin of a fucking
stroke having polar bear
as you drink your
water from a
box what was that bear’s name
what was his name
oh kut the bear that just fucking dropped out of a
stroke and i swear is he
germany yeah sorry it’s too soon
that must be so frustrating to be a
polar bear and be in a fucking zoo
i know i think i’m having a stroke
cause no one knows what you’re saying i bet
he’s probably
happy it’s over
happy his internment’s
over i mean that’s what they live for is killing
things they can’t even kill anything
just feed them the food
this is ridiculous
you know how much they must love when a fucking
when some delusional asshole jumps
in the front he
gets the picture and all
have you seen the
video online of the girl gets her leg bitten
no she gets her leg broken
he locks a hold of her leg
through the bar somehow or another she got so
close that he
could grab a hold of her pull her into him
and bite down on her leg and he snapped her femur
yeah and he
bit into her leg and she’s
screaming and they’re beating him with sticks
yeah they’re beating him with
sticks and he’s like fuck you i got her i’m not letting
go yeah and somehow i
know that they got him to let go but she was fucked up
is that the one there was one
video i saw with a guy
not so there’s an
asian guy he got his jacket got
did you see that one
where he was
close to the bear cage and it
grabbed his coat
and they had to take him out of his
coat so the bear couldn’t pull him through the cage by
say coat again i just keep saying coat
coat coat coat
have you seen the
video where
the bear that
it was a movie bear
and they used him in a
bunch of different
movies and there was a guy
standing there
and they were doing
drills with this bear and the bear just decided
to attack the guy and rips his fucking throat out
and it was the
trainer’s cousin i believe it was
and he just bit
anybody know what i’m talking about
what’s that
semi pro yeah he was in the
movie semi pro
and this bear fucked up
for no reason is a
video of it
and so what does this asshole do
well they have to retrain the bear what
you don’t shoot that fucking thing
are you crazy bear
ate your cousin you’re gonna go you didn’t lose his job
you still get to be a trained bear
fucking completely ridiculous
how would you forget to train him not to eat people
shouldn’t that be the first thing
clawing throat bad
it’s the most ridiculous attitude ever
people have about these animals about keeping them
alive like we need them
you know it’s
important they’re a part of our ecosystem like
if we don’t have
polar bears i
think we’re
going to be okay
you know we
might have a few
extra fucking seals laying around
we’ll go shoot
those fucking
things in the head and that’ll be the end
of it we’ll have to fuck on uglier rugs if there are no
polar bears so what
polar bear rugs are beautiful
that’s kind of a fucked up
thing the bear rug is the only rug
where they keep the fucking head on it yeah
they want you to see that stupid thing they conquered
yeah no big giant head that can eat your asshole
attached to a carpet
it looks like he’s flying he’s probably so embarrassed
that his legs are all out
i had a jacket once and
it had fur on the inside
of the jacket it was like a hoodie with fur on it
and this woman actually
pointed at my jacket
and she’s like
i do not like your jacket i do not like you wearing fur
so i go it’s a
fucking fake far like you know like what’s the big deal
she goes i don’t like what it represents
see what happens when killing fake animals
fucking wookiees
the fuck is
wrong with you
you got her though
she was cause she wanted to be
self righteous and when you said it’s fake that
should have
ended it for her but she had to win
so she then she would
i don’t like what it represents
you should have just fucking
spice on the spin kicks you were fucking teaching
saint pierre
you should have thrown one
right in the fucking you
should have just kicked kicked her fucking internal
plumbing out
should have
given her a
hysterectomy with your heel
what is it about people that love to be
fucking self
righteous what is it
about people that love to be the one takes the
moral high ground
would never do that
no one ever you know
what the fuck is that
that’s why we
love seeing them get busted that’s why we love
politics that like fucking legislate
against gays
but then they get
caught blowing somebody yeah
everyone loves
good hypocrite
to be fucking
brought down it’s just satisfying yeah because
it’s such a easy
stance to take
did you hear
about the guy in
vegas who’s a prosecutor we were talking
about in the podcast
earlier today
he prosecuted
bruno mars and britney’s
known paris
hilton yeah and he cuts by
crack big nut
and not even
ecstasy you know
he’s buying
crack like a
self hating junkie
you know it’s like
nobody’s out there
going dude there’s a lot of people talking shit
about crack but let
me tell you something i really straightened my life out
dude i started
cleaning the house
i stopped eating i was
doing a lot of chores that’s
my friend eddie
dated a lot of girls that used to do math
he was dating a lot of
strippers at one
point in his life
and he would say you always
know when you dating a girl does math because their
houses are spotless
because they don’t eat and
he goes and you can fuck them in the butt and there’s
never anything in there
because they don’t eat
they never shit
so you never have to
worry it’s always clean
he’s like it’s amazing you just
fuck him in the ass all the time that’s
great you know they don’t
waste any time with
dental hygiene if they’re on meth that’s
great so if you fuck the astral
heart a tooth falls out you go
that was a two toother all right
sorry
that’s a problem with
a lot of people we’re talking about the self righteous
thing i know that you get fucking crazy
about liberals and
about people who take the moral high ground
i don’t hate liberals
i agree with them on most
things like i’m four gay marriage gay adoption
and so much of what they stand for i agree with
but they’ve let me down
i get what i
get from the conservatives you know what i mean
because i make my
living talking so
language is important to me like it is everybody
but the conservatives always were shitty
about it they
would always
target you for
going after the church or
if you said fuck they
would always you
know you’re obscene
the liberals were supposed to
stand for something different
they were supposed to be this oasis of free thought
but then they became restrictive
don’t make fun
of this don’t make fun of that how much do you
think they did that just
to try to win votes to try to get the middle try to go
after the center you know that’s when
things get blurry
right yeah but i
think that like any
other nobody ever says
i’m a fucking
free speech repressing asshole no one ever says i’m
self righteous
everyone gives themselves
a reason like the conservatives say it’s family values
and i’m protecting family
values and the
liberals say well we’re
fighting hate speech
and we want people to have a safe haven
everyone gives themselves a reason
to shut you up for what they don’t like hearing it’s
annoying yeah
the hate speech
i recently retired the word faggot
and i relish
every chance to
talk about how i retired the word faggot
so i get to use it again
just because
i love the way it comes off the tongue it’s just
i have a few bits now that i
would like to
throw faggot in there
i would like to
throw it in there
i say it a lot once i
catch myself
mumbling and then i realize i’m on the sink in the
mirror and i’m like oh
but yes you
see everybody has a reason nobody ever says
i don’t like it so you shouldn’t say it
because that’s too revealing
it’s almost too embarrassing for them to
admit to themselves that they really are that person
so they have to
paint a reason around it and that’s why they
oh that’s hateful
it’s this go fuck yourself i used to talk
about this on
stage but it’s actually true
when i did my
spike tv special
i used the word faggot twice
and once describing my dog and once about ants
you know it was
it had nothing to do with gay sex you know right
and they beeped out everything
except when
they aired it before 11
they beeped out
everything and then
when they aired it after 1 am
they went uncensored
completely except faggot
they beeped out faggot
like that’s too much like they drew a line
and so i had
a conversation with this guy gay guy at the network
and he goes well
it’s incredibly offensive and
quite frankly it’s our word i go what
and he goes
he goes it’s our nigger
he goes we can
say faggot i go that’s the gayest shit i’ve ever
heard in my life
and you can go fuck yourself and
i said it an extra
three or four years
just because of that guy goes he’s like this is the
stupidest fucking argument ever
you know like
having one word
like nigger is bad enough one dangerous out there
candyman candyman
candyman word i mean
just say it and fucking people
punch you in the head
it’s the craziest fucking thing ever
you know you
could walk down the
street and call your your your
basketball a nigger you fucking non
bouncing nigger
and people would just beat the shit out of you
they will fuck you up like you have to use no
the word like that
it just came to mind it’s the first
thing that came to mind
you know if you were walking down the
street calling your banana a cunt no one’s
gonna like fight you that’s
right you know
but you you
call your dog a nigger and they’ll fucking call
friends to have an excuse to beat the shit out of you
you know they’ll hold you down and call everyone
they know to come over and kick you in the fucking head
and it’s funny the way that we
are inspired to change
these words michael richards the
laugh factory was what brought the
whole conversation
back again and it was like this dumb
society we live in we let some fucking blithering idiot
who couldn’t handle a heckler that’s all that was he
just couldn’t handle a heckler
and his whole
the only reason we like michael richards
is cause he was
oh hello jerry
that’s the guy who you take your social cues from
i don’t give a fuck
what he thinks or feels or says
it’s just whatever we have a chance to be
heard people take it uh
the word nigger is a bad word but we
also have social justice for that if you say it to the
wrong people
you get your fucking
teeth knocked out
and that’s the way it
should be if you say to a
black guy he
punches you in the
mouth and that
should be the
penalty it’s so baffling though when i see
trends like that i always wonder how long they’re
gonna last is nigger
gonna be a bad word
a hundred years from now or will it be passe will it
last forever
it’ll be on nbc by that time
you think so yeah i mean
look look like 20 years old that’s what the end will
stand for well it’s been
some common essential
nigger black cunt
i said once on one of my podcasts that
every fucking youtube
video i’ve ever had
has at least one
quote one comment that says nigger cunt on it
and some fucking psycho went on
every youtube
video that has
my name on it and put nigger cunt in the comments
like the same guy just made it
just a life’s work
like a fucking he must have spent
hours doing that yeah it’s like that little childish
it’s like a
weird example it’s like the westboro church they’re a
weird example of people who just like saying bad
things to get
what they do with police
protection which i
think is kind of
funny it’s like
they think that the war in iraq is
god’s way of killing soldiers because they had an ied
thrown into
their they had a bomb thrown into the yard so they
think god killed soldiers
but yet they
still need police to protection
and they remind me of that people that like to just
stand behind the
screen door and yell
dirty words
and that’s all
it is they’re just trying to be offensive
the social justice for them
should be the same as if a guy says nigger to a
black guy they
should allow
the families of
these soldiers
just to fucking take care of
these people themselves and not protect them
if you want to use the word you
should you should suffer the
price what’s really the real problem with people
like that god hates fags people is that there’s a
broad spectrum of
human intelligence just like there’s a
broad spectrum of dick sizes
dicks aren’t the same size what do you mean you know
just like some people can’t
drink you know
some people are dumb as fuck
and there’s nothing you could do about that
and if you come
along and start reading them out of the
bible and the lord says that man
shall not live with a man and if he does
shall be burned at the
stake and dead with a rock and
all you have
to do is read that shit to them and they go
and they’re with you man god hates fag
t shirts they got placards
they got time they don’t have a job nobody else
will fucking hire them
they’re walking down the street
there’s plenty of them man we need
to fucking figure out how to make the lowest form of
human smarter
that’s very important well the reason i don’t
think that they’re
sincere and
this is my opinion is because they’re saying
stuff like god hates fat
it’s like they’re
using such purposefully
insightful language
there’s a lot of people
in this country that don’t like homosexuals if their
cause was really
to hurt homosexuality
they would they
would talk it in terms
where a lot more people
could agree with them and feel good they
could get a lot more done
they just they just trying
to yell naughty words and get attention for themselves
which isn’t kind of embarrassing it’s like that’s the
whole thing fag
it could be or they
secretly all want to
suck cocks and they yeah just that’s how they hide it
it could be that you know i mean that’s why the
ted hagrid thing was so
funny when oh
was he great pastor
ted brilliant
loved a massage did he yeah
he’s fascinating
i was following him on twitter but he
blocked me why
he blocked me because he
he’s got a new church now and they had a
thing on cnn
about it and he’s got like this big
following now and they’re all coming
he goes we have everyone
prostitutes and you know and and junkies and then what
they all come to our church and we don’t ask questions
we just we’re
here to the worship the lord and read the word
and so he has
these meetings and he talks about them
and so he put it up on his twitter so sunday
after church
what should we do so i go meth and blowjobs and
apparently old ted can’t take a fucking joke
not even an lol
and a fucking two
dots with a capital p you can’t even give me that dude
come on bro
you fucking got busted with gay hookers
you should got you
gotta own that shit son
well technically it was a masou a masur
there’s a big difference
now sometimes you just need a massage i must say as
long as they
suck your dick for
money they become a hooker
alright good point
he the guy and
the guy was on cnn too that was the brilliant
thing the guy just came
clean and told the whole
story he just got
tired of this guy
being a hypocrite
and legislate
and going after gay it’s like if you’re
gonna be gay
and not tell your family like who’s
larry craig that fucking
bag of vomit like
i don’t care if he was trying to blow a cop
because you’re not
first of all you’re not the best cop
on the forest that they put you on fucking toilet duty
and the toilet
shithouse blowjob duty
congratulations yeah
you really earned him that gold
shield fucker
how bad do you
have to fuck up before your heel has to go
under a men’s room
stall wait for it to be
clicked like
dora tap tap thing
what a fucked up way to find people to fuck
go to a shit
house and have a little code tapping
thing in between the walls
like i guess they just not repulsed at all by the
smell of shit
you know like
that’s got to be it right
their perfume
joey diaz talk
about that that’s how you
drive a faggot
crazy got a fart in
front of them
jts have a whole bit about that
well you could play
devil’s advocate
and go out must be
great to be gay
because you’re
fucking on a layover between two fucking flights
yeah i’m gonna go fuck somebody in the
mouth that’s fantastic
right into the bathroom is a hole in the wall
i love to know who
drills the hole in the wall
who’s the go
getter that fucking shows up to a rest area
i take some sandpaper to the rough edges
little stain
those are the
weirdest pornos ever the
glory hole pornos like yeah i’m
sorry i want to know who’s blowing me
i don’t that just
doesn’t seem like you
could be really confident that that person’s
attractive you can’t even see them
well might be fun might be a mystery
might you know right
we know what to do
yeah i mean look
if you open your mailbox and
found five hundred bucks would you
demand to know who sent it now you just take it right
that’s right
you go to the stalls and you find used clothespins
that’s how you know it’s a spot
it’s a hot spot you look in the fucking
where the towels go the paper
towels it’s filled with
clothespins
i do wonder if you have a moment of clarity
though like when a dick pops through a hole in the wall
and you’re blowing someone
and your nose is
against the
metal and you’re like
how did this happen to me
like how did your life get there
i think about that whenever i watched nancy grace
is she awful i’ve never seen her show it’s brutal
it’s all dead babies in florida
oh really she goes
after the mothers finds all the dead babies in florida
we are on line number two
apparently she was out
drinking that
night there is photos on her facebook
while that baby was dead she was partying
she’ll just take caller
after caller it’s all dead babies in florida
i’ve never watched her show oh it’s goddamn
why are you watching the show i can’t help myself you
watch you watch oprah in this that’s
i watched oprah’s friend gail
she’s more fascinating than oh
my god because she knows she
doesn’t deserve that fucking show
so nervous and shit and talks weird i did
i knows people are judging her
you know and i’m going how did you get the show
i did a one time i did leto and she was the lead
guest and i met her and she was kind of fucking
she was a little
standoffish which oprah made me no no gail
yeah which is oprah
it was it was gale
and she was kind of sexy
though i was surprised in person i was like i was does
gail have a man
i don’t know
but she was the
crowd for the
crowd for the people who don’t pick this up on the
microphone by the way
speed of oprah
it’s funny i flew out yesterday and
diana ross was on my
flight she was on the seat in front of me really
and one woman walked on and i saw you on oprah
and i was the
whole flight i was obsessed with getting a
photo with anna ross because she’s fucking
funny jimmy has a crazy
thing about
celebrities i love getting pictures with them
and you can’t not want one with
dinah ross is a fucking
whatever she’s phenomenal she’s fucking
the symphony
fucking she rolls and
the whole flight i’m like i know she’s not
gonna take it because she’s a diva
and she’s not made up she looked like she just woke up
so as we’re all
standing here off the
plane when i got on the
plane i just went
hello miss ross and she said hi and that was it
and then we’re getting off and
i was just talking to richard pryor
and it got awkward
quick i’m like i’m a comedian because of richard pryor
i’m like and
you were so good and lady sings the blues i’m like what
was he like to work with and she’s like he was a genius
and i’m like oh well
sicily tyson
said that in busted
loose he was kind of
difficult and she goes
well sicily
tyson wasn’t in
lady sings the blues
i’m like no no i know
but i mean in busted
loose she said that and she went
oh and then she turned away from me i was like fuck
so i follow her off the plane
she’s three people
ahead of me i’m actually passing people in the little
thing because i want to get a
photo with her before she gets to the main terminal
i want to get her in the jetway
and so she just gets out there i’m like miss ross
i’m like can i have a photo with you
and she goes no please don’t
like i think she was squeamish because she
might not have been made up she wasn’t being a bitch
she literally i
think just was a diva and wasn’t made up
and i just go to i go
because my parents met at one of your shows
but they didn’t i just fucking lied
i don’t know why i said it like
i was hoping
she’d turn around and go oh in that
case come here but she was like okay i wish you well
and i was so fucking humiliated i’m like i lied to this
bitch and she
still didn’t take the
photo with me
i don’t i was
really don’t know why i said that to her but i did
do you pre plan that like do you have
these already like like have you used that before
no but i tell you why i pre plan
i i i actually was
gonna create a backstory
cause the fucking
first time i got turned
i i’ve turned very rarely for
i think celebrities are kind of nervous
about turning
me down like i just get it over with you know some
they’re afraid i’m
gonna sign an
album in front of the dakota
and i fucking
that’s a thank you that’s a topical one
fucking i yank them out 31 years
later and make them fresh
uh was deniro i was at
billy crystal did a play called
seven hundred
sundays and i got invited to the premiere
and i didn’t know deniro was
gonna be there
and you’re not supposed to
bring cameras to this at all you just don’t bring him
and i see deniro
like i don’t know if you’ve ever seen deniro but
literally everybody in the room is like he’s
famous even like
when celebrities are in the room they stare at deniro
and it was on
a tablet on the
green in new york
and so i walked up to him and i tapped his forearm
and i was like bob
and i swear
to god i said bob because i thought like he’s so famous
if i call him bob he won’t realize that we’ve
never met like
that’s a personal
thing and he’ll
think that like
oh i must know this guy because he knew that robert is
shortened to bob like i don’t know what i was thinking
and i go can i have a picture
and he goes no
and i was not prepared for no at all
and i was like but i get a camera
and he said nobody
again he wasn’t being a dick either he goes not cause
i just want to go say hi to
billy because if i take one a lot of people ask
and then i realized like he was
right like if
i took one everyone will be yanking out with
their cell phones
even celebrities
even celebrities yeah
frank vincent was the
first one to term you know
frank vincent from goodfellas and
raging bull
he was fucking filled leotard
or whatever
at a kiss concert in 2003
we were walking towards the backstage area
and frank vincent was walking with this
chick and i go oh
frank i’m such a big fan can i take a
picture he goes no not now
and i go but i really
i’m such a big fan he goes i said not now i’m like
yes you did
so that was my
half the fucking cast of goodfellas turned me down the
first time i met him
that’s the whole story
sophia loren was on my plane oh yeah i saw a tweet
about that did you tweet that or did reid ari
did oh ari okay yeah maybe reid did too
but ari was like i’d fuck her for the story you know
i don’t like it would just make you sad
it’s that’s inevitable
all of us are gonna be that rotten corpse one day
should have said that to her
she look pretty good for
age she’s hanging in there how old is she
she’s deep yeah she’s one of those
she’s like i have to close my eyes all the time old
you know everywhere she sat down she was like
they just don’t have a lot of fuse
there’s not a lot of fuel left in that reactor
do you get pictures with people no
do you try not to do really you don’t like to
know with people and fans yeah sure
i know celebrities no try not to i don’t be annoying
i’m already the fear factor guy you know
fucking being the fear factor guy wants photos guy
it’s just too annoying
i’m super easy to not take seriously
people think i’m nuts for doing it but then they see a
bunch of them like
people who have met
my manager has met
everybody he knows everyone
not jonathan that you met but david
but he was actually
like saying
fuck man we were talking with him i was like god
damn it i could have got
picture with this one and that one
i have a few
i have like
photo with tommy chong
that was like a big one
who’s your favorite
i don’t know at a cheech and chong
yes yes i’m more of a chong guy
one of my favorite
photos is i actually was in vegas
for opie and anthony and you were there also jamie
ed asner do you remember meeting
ed i certainly do how badass was that
you remember when ed asner
got super mad at opie yeah
from the destroyer
yeah and then the poker guy the poker guy like
and you got in a huge fight i remember i had to
tweet in a huge fight he
misinterpreted what i was saying
i had to sit next to him though
after he got
off the interview and he was like getting his
stuff together and he was just
steaming well he was
breaking up with this
woman and i what i said was
whoops what i said is
um yeah that’s hard it’s hard when you
break up with a girl ago the
thing that bothers me the most
is i was thinking
about her getting fucked by some other guy
and yeah gorilla fuck
yeah he said something
about the media stuff
those really how
big fucking
black guy with a
giant hard cock
stuffing her in the corner of a
couch and coming in her face
i mean you think
about the shit
that you did to her and then like she likes that kind
of shit and she’s probably had some new dude doing it
right now and that just
freaks me the fuck out and
he took it the
wrong way you broke him
you broke him
he thought i was saying that that was happening to his
girlfriend i said
this is what i’m scared of
i’m not necessarily saying that you know
there is a boogeyman
that’s what i
that’s what i jerk off to whenever me and my
girlfriend fight i’m like oh i hope she’s
fucking someone with a bigger cock i can hear about oh
uh that it is the
worst when you’re dating a girl and she’s talking
about how hot some
other guy is like
really okay you don’t get hard for that jack no it my
greatest fear was like i’ll get hard for that yeah yeah
i’m sorry i’m
so obsessed
with self obsessed
animals like
oh it’s my turn to talk i didn’t hear what he said
that’s why i’m a bad actor
cause i don’t listen
it can be that’s really why i’m a fucking
mediocre actor i
literally don’t listen to the dialogue i just watch
mouth and as soon as the mouth stops i’m like my turn
it’s like the electric company when
those mouths were coming from this
but i know it used to torture me like girls
i would be obsessed
with them fucking guys with
a bigger cock my cock’s fine but it’s nothing you know
you’re obsessed with it in a good way or bad
way no i’d be depressed
about it because i couldn’t measure up i wasn’t good
enough we’re all sexually insecure on some level and
i used to make them tell me
about it i would just torture myself
and then i started getting like
the more porn i
watched and then
a couple times i
would date girls and we just talk
about fucking guys i
would make them tell me
about guys they fucked
and what you
can’t see at home is he mocked the fuck motion
yeah i gave a
saying that with an angry face
and i gave my hip like four thrusts which is
more credit than i deserve in real life
are you gonna throw fake punches at her neck
to a fake choke
what i mean by it is
the most depressing thing
about a girl telling you how hot some other guy is
is that she doesn’t care about your feelings
you know that’s really what it is it’s like the most
depressing thing
about it is like okay now
we have this kind of weird relationship
where you’re gonna
try to tweak me
every now and then
and fuck with the way i feel by telling me how hot some
other guy is me when you’re
supposed to be in love with me but is she getting
the same thing with a guy if a guy’s like
pointing out girls all the time
like look at that ass like
do you think you’re no
chick wants to hear that
that’s like a weird
thing even if
the person’s hot like just
think about what you’re
saying and how it affects the person that you’re with
depends on your relationship though because like
if you if she
wouldn’t be mad at you saying it
and she’s saying it then it’s cool
yeah she would
get jealous then she’s being kind of a cunt but if she
wouldn’t be mad
that it’s different i
think most yeah if
you know someone really well and you get to know each
other really well and you open up about
stuff like that and you have a real open relationship
about what turns you on and what
doesn’t yeah
but in a lot of cases that’s not really what’s
going on and in a lot of cases it’s
people fucking with each other
yeah that’s bad that’s unhealthy
if you’re trying to just kind of jab each other the
grossest fucking
thing that ever happens when i take
pictures of
someone is guys that want to tell me that i’m on
their wife’s list
yeah yeah you’re on her list
you’re on her list bro
okay take a
picture with her
she’s hot gotta take a
picture with her bro
i’m like what are you talking about
the list meaning yeah yeah
she’s a lot of fuck you
that doesn’t
work that once
that’s disgusting
sarah silverman
was on my list and then i went to a comedy club with my
girlfriend she goes alright
this game does not work in la
cause i mean that’s just to
you’re supposed to be on a list meaning like brad
pitt you’re
never gonna run into brad
pitt that’s like make believe list
so the list is always make believe
so for the most part i don’t
think that’s really bluffing
about your list if you live in
la it has to be bluffing because you can’t run into all
these people
you know it’s
pretty fucking hard to run into brad pitt dude
yeah i know and that’s what i thought even in
la brad pitt’s a lot
until i moved here
and so then she was on your list
she was on my list like
seven years ago then i
moved here with my
girlfriend and then we were at a comedy club were you
plotting something what
are you plotting something
no i’m just saying she’s
like oh there’s
sarah silverman
and she goes
that game does not work here
my girlfriend actually has the meadowlark lemon
globe trotters
on her list but it’s only i
would only let her fuck the globe trotters
if it was meadowlark and curly neal it was that
only with curly and metal lark together
is curly still on the
globetrotters i don’t think so metal lark is
62 they couldn’t both be playing i saw them in the
winter great the ball would go and be a string on it
when i was a little kid
when i was a little kid i was so
stupid i thought the harm
globe trotters were the greatest
basketball players in the world
and i’d be like why are the knicks even bothering
the celtics
when the fucking harlem
globetrotters around running shit i’m like
this is these guys are fighting crimes with
scooby doo how are the knicks gonna do you know
remember the
globe trotters went to gilligan’s island yeah
i fucking hated that show
it wasn’t funny it was fucking terrible
to me it’s the most fascinating example of
cultural evolution is to go back
and look at tv shows from like the 50s and 60s and 70s
how fucking unbelievably bad they were oh
terrible people were
dumb as shit back then
i wonder what it really
is is it that we’re just used to like a different
standard of
entertainment
or were people really dumber than
i think that
they weren’t more innocent but they
admitted to less than
and don’t forget
marriages lasted longer than information wasn’t passed
simpler way
everything was
simpler you know like people didn’t have access
to information like as easily as us did you imagine
if you could go back to the 50s and only you
could have the internet
you would be running shit
only you just you go
back to the 50s you got a laptop that’s all the time on
you would just dominate
you would be able to
debate anybody
sit the fuck down bitch
i’m pulling shit out of the air on you
you’d be typing in this thing you
wouldn’t even know what you have in your hands
if you’re the only one there
wouldn’t be an internet you’d be
googling your own
facebook but no no
you have access to the keisha
corrections
the acacia records
you know what that is
no they believe that the people that believe that
intelligence and thought is actually like a non local
thing and that your body is just
sort of a radio
for tuning in the
creativity of the universe
believe in a
thing called the akashic
records and a lot of ancient scholars and a lot of
mystics and
channelers believe in this as
well and they believe that all the information all the
things that anybody has ever created
are all it’s all
out in the air you just have to pull it out of the air
and you can and that’s
where creativity is
sounds completely ridiculous
but then you think
about it like what the fuck is
creativity what is your imagination
imagination is just
there’s something that’s
it’s ethereal
right and in that
the person figures it out and comes up with
this idea and then it actually manifests itself as a
solid thing
it becomes an iphone 4
i mean with a
bunch of other people and a
bunch of other
people’s imagination together and work and all that
other stuff and
innovation and
figuring out you
know how to make
glass and all the
other different parts and
how it all goes together
but the bottom line is
it was in the ether
and then it became a
solid object out of the imagination
and there’s people that believe that
everything it
literally comes out of
almost like another dimension
and that’s where
that’s where ideas come from
and that the acacia
records is that all knowledge the knowledge of
everything is out there you just have to tune into it
i wonder i don’t know i mean
i don’t know
i don’t know either but i do know that i don’t feel
i never feel like anything i write is um
is something that i wrote
i always feel like it’s it was given to me
i feel like when i when i’m at
when i write my best
stuff even when i perform
when i’m at my best on stage
i i feel like i’m a passenger
i feel like
all the work that i’ve done
is just to become a good antenna
you know all the work that i’ve done it’s just
to become a good antenna
and then become a good
discipline person that sits down
and then turns
the antenna on and then does all the writing
well we’re all
see the reason i have
trouble with the occasion
ideas because we’re all on the same
level of ideas
it was almost like
if if the ideas were out there all along
how come fucking cavemen
were just clubbing each
other over the
head and nobody back then said fucking google
earth well i
think the idea is they didn’t have as
good we have to evolve
to the point
where we can
we can’t you know you can’t
like just have a time machine before you have the wheel
you know what i mean
you have to
like slowly progress and but the idea is that all
these ideas that we
think we’re inventing
we’re inventing or creating we’re
literally pulling
them out of the imagination the imagination
might be like
literally an actual
thing that manifests real
things in this
dimension if that’s all true then you owe them and
see an apology how
if we’re all just picking from the same pool
well yeah you’re allowed to do it with spirits only
you’re allowed to have a muse only
you’re not allowed to steal jokes you fuck
you know it’s contrary to the actual idea of what
creativity is like to say that to admit
there’s a book called the war of art by stephen
pressfield you ever heard of it it’s a
great book on writing
and one of the
things that he writes about is the concept of the muse
and that pretty much
exists throughout every culture and
it’s talked about
with many many
great writers that they
have to have some sort of amuse and it’s almost like
someone gives them
these ideas
you know and
to really tune into that
you have to be non
egotistical you have to not be thinking
about yourself you have to be
tuned in to
the frequency that you need to be
tuned into to write
which is like sort of
blank sort of a zen state
which is exactly
the opposite
of the look at me i’m the shit state
which is what you have to be to
steal things and
steal jokes
to boost yourself up
it’s completely
contrary to this creative state
which is why
so many people that are
thieves and scumbags and
shitty joker stealers
they don’t know how to be funny
they literally don’t have the
connection to it
they’ve completely lost
their connection
so they have to just grab
things blindly
attached to them and then repeat them
and then get
laughs and then look for the next
thing to grab
they don’t have the ability to pull
those things out of the ether themselves
i was just kidding
sir why are
you guys the guy in
front has not hit me like see
what the fuck is that nod sir
what yeah what is that not like
i was kidding
which guy’s nodding
with joe yeah but i was just kidding
i know but nobody gave me like a
thumbs down
these are just jokes kid
settle the fuck down
he really did tisk
tisk me like
like i instead of realizing
i just saw an opportunity to get a line in there he’s
like like i really meant it so you don’t take it as a
statement of fact i’m not
i’m not under oath
i’m a difference between the west
coast and the east coast
we’ve been talking
about this lately
like with the whole gilbert godfrey situation
on the east coast
you could make fun of fucking anything
everything is fair game yeah it’s a different kind of
sense of humor
whereas the west
coast like one comic shitting on another comic like
saying something like that unless you’ll see an apology
hey hahaha we’re all laughing together people
oh that was a dig he went after you and
it’s amazing the difference out here is there are
funny people out here
but everybody out here is
transplant in someplace else and show business
is out here
like you’re in new york nobody gives
a fuck if you’re in show business it’s just a different
place but out here it’s the
whole business
so everybody is very focused
on that next
level and it’s like i think
comics out here
have much less stage time
and that guy’s like you who are fucking
you know your headlining
everywhere but guys that
are trying to get
their first 10 minutes together
everybody’s scared of saying the
wrong thing to the
wrong person
and everyone’s afraid that that
seven minutes they do is
gonna be seen by cbs and they’re
gonna be the next mike and
molly oh you know what i mean
yeah just a different mindset so
comics don’t shit on it
at the comedy
style we would just attack each other
we used to take each
other to hack
court and me fucking
keith robinson
patrice o’neal colin
we would go over each
other’s bits and then the rest of us would
judge whether or not you’re a hack for doing that
i’m taking that bit to hack
court and kevin hart we would just brutalize each other
when kevin hart
little kevin he’s a funny guy but we knew he was
funny when he first came up from philly
and he would go on stage in the cellar
and we would all just go down and sit in the front row
and just fucking stare at him and be like
and he handled it and he was
funny and that’s what we do to each
other we’d have a good time and just shit on each
other as comics
a lot of comics joe’s
right are not
funny guys they don’t know how to tease each
other they don’t know how
to be fucking they don’t take a joke well they’re just
awful they’re craftsmen
it’s like they’re carpenters they’re like writers
who like instead of writing it down are
speaking it out
and they think that a lot
of times when they’re bombing it’s because they’re too
ironic and nobody gets them and it’s like nope you just
stink i worked
with a guy once he said something and then he goes
that usually gets an applause break
to the audience yes
and it was like some really fucking wack ass political
idea you know some
republicans do this but the democrats don’t
that usually gets an applause break oh
and he’s a famous guy it was death the only time that’s
funny to say that usually gets an applause
break if you say scott peterson
and they just
stare at you and you go that usually gets an applause
very shy vote and
all the people that get murdered to have a name like
scott peterson that’s so
strong that carries on years years years
after the crime
how long is that one gonna last
scott peterson that’s
gonna be a long long
who’s the guy that killed his wife
and then shot himself it was in boston
yes in the stomach yeah yes do it what a
crazy fuck he jumped off the bridge eventually
right killed himself by jumping off a bridge did he
yeah really i believe he’s dead good my correct
google anybody
he blamed the black guy
he blamed the
black guy the boston
cops are targeting blacks and
some guy willie something some
black dude will yeah
well near my
out that’s true that’s
i don’t remember the guys that i just remember
weird faction cases
which make me
sound like a flaming
racist some
black guy willie trust me
but i don’t charles stewart and
he’s he shot his pregnant wife and
well colin ferguson was
black he was on the low island railroad and he shot a
bunch of white people six white people he killed
yeah and he represented himself in court yes which is
that’s the craziest asshole ever not the attorney you
think he’d be
do you imagine
the guy shoots you
and then you have
to like have him interrogate you in the witness stand
that’s the craziest fucking thing ever
but that must have been horrific
ian edwards you’re the comedian
ian edwards
yeah he’s a
jamaican guy i
think and i
say i think he’s megan
and he’s a very
funny bit on
collinsburg
on the same
thing on guys be on the
stand and going
colin ferguson
going what did you see on the
nigga you shot me
yeah edwards had a
great pit on that
ian’s hilarious
bernard gets you know bernie gets the
subway good i remember bernie gets the
subway gunman
you guys had him on opie and
had him on a few times he was a
guest and i got a
picture with him he’s a kook
he walked us through the
shootings slowly
and he took us through
it he said it was like in slow motion the fucking
pow pow and i
guess you’re supposed to think he’s
crazy but i was just like this guy fucking rules
i’d love to do that on the
subway just
shoot four people
for not even as
serious a reason as that but just a lot of
other reasons just to kill four
people well if you’ve ever been intimidated in public
transportation it’s very
scary to be locked in a cage that’s going 50
miles an hour
with some dangerous person who’s got a knife
or got whatever
screwdriver
that’s scary shit man
you know it’s
scary that there’s
no one there to protect you it’s not even a
you know usually not even a cop on
those fucking
things i know
every comic
wants to be rogan because he’s like one of the few
comics that
can just really beat the shit out of any heckler
we’re all secretly
jealous of joe because it’s got to be cool to like
whenever you have a heckle you
never know it’s
gotta be cool to know
that look if
worse comes to
worse i really can
drill this through the guy’s fucking jaw bone that’s
gotta feel i wish i had that
that’s why i have to hang out with big people
i never think
about it i just all i would think about if i was you
literally it’s all i would think about that’s why
if i had that ability maybe i wouldn’t but if i could
fight like rogue at all i would think about
is what can i do to make you throw a punch
so i can beat the fuck out of you
but i think like a little man
that’s a terrible way to live life i know
at an erection difficulty so
people don’t forget
about that shit
they come after you
i guess so yeah
yeah if you do it for the
wrong reason you can’t just beat somebody’s ass
that doesn’t
end it you know then they live with the fact you beat
their ass and they go home and stew and then they
plot the revenge
might be a gun
might be a knife
might cut your tires
might follow
you around and fuck with you yeah you know just be nice
it’s better off i am
i always like at the end i always
i go through you know me joe
while i’m onstage i go through the audience and go how
about a hand for everybody that took a joke tonight
i’m kidding i don’t do that that’s fucking pathetic
they took a joke tonight
people assume
the audience
go yeah how
about a hand for everyone
that was a good sport
if i shit on someone overly
overly hard in the audience i will say give him a
round of applause or a nice person
i’ll just say you’re
lucky i acknowledged you
like the two guys up
front you’re welcome
well this is a good time to
bring up your new cd because
you got a new cd that i was listened to on the way over
here it’s called despicable and it’s fucking awesome
thank you and
you you recorded it in boston’s and we said the wilbur
boston yeah
not the old
connection the
connection to faniel hall
yeah oh wow that place is
great such a
phenomenal was
great comedy
space right yeah it was
now it’s the wilbur
theatre they just
do only the theater now i just did that it was actually
great that’s an
explosive room to it’s like now that he has the liquor
license because he
never liquor
license for a
while so the
crowds were good
but they weren’t as
fucking what is
that like for you being a guy been so you’ve been sober
since you were really young
right i was 18 yeah
what is it like for you to just constantly being around
drunks i don’t mind it as much because i
learned like
i don’t really
the guys i watch a lot of guys that
drink and have ruined
things by drinking and i
learned from
those guys i
learned from the guys who are they were brilliant
and who have allowed fucking
drinking and doing drugs to fuck
their career up you know
like a lot of
guys can handle it i just couldn’t i was the guy on the
phone at three in the morning i was a cutter you know i
was eighteen i
was sixteen and fifteen yeah wow
somebody i sliced my arm up a lot with the
razors it was just
childish notice i see
mark you think you
would do that now as an
adult if you that’s a
serious fucking mark there i got a
bunch of behavior
like that but
i was i was in this one there was just out of
anger and that
wow it was all but it wasn’t
this wasn’t a suicide attempt it was just goes
angry so i just took a boxcar
but again it was drunk
well you say it like you know no big deal just
not anymore though
but it’s a good reminder though if i ever
think i can handle
it i look back and go oh yeah you’re a fucking but i
would love to
think it was cooler than it was
but i was just a douchebag
who wanted attention because if i wanted to die i
would have died i didn’t want to die
so was it the substances
or was it just your
state of mind at the time like what was
it you think
if you drink
right now you just
start cutting yourself again
not immediately booze was the worst for me
i did coke and i smoked coke and
stuff but to me booze was the worst i never did
like ecstasy
that wasn’t around back then
when i start immediately no
but eventually it
would be hard
probably i wouldn’t
last very long i was a fucking horrible violent
depressive drunk
i would but i don’t
think i’d go out in a
blaze of glory either
i think i would kill somebody
drunk driving
i would probably do that probably
run into a nine year old or a fucking kill a family
and then be in jail for
thirty years
but not even have the
glory of fucking i went down swinging
i’ll just get fucked in the ass
until i bled to death
that’s actually the next title of my book by the way
that’s the metaphor for politics
do you still experiment with urine a lot
in sexual acts i actually
dated a girl who always wanted me to pee inside of her
and so i know how that you love golden showers and
stuff but she would always want it sure
that’s how you know you’re out of touch yeah fuck yeah
real experiment i just wanted to see how it
would work as a beverage
tastes like popcorn
it does it tastes like popcorn yeah saltates
it’s popcorn flavor
piss i’m drinking my own if you are
have you i’ve
heard that’s good for you and i’m supposed to be
yeah it’s supposed
to be good for you but whatever how good
could it be just take a vitamin
you drink your own piss like a
crazy person
what i thought was
fascinating
about it though was how people reacted to it
you know people are so terrified of it i did it on the
radio show with this guy with the dj i go i’ll
drink my piss if you
drink yours you want to do it
he’s like i’ll do it if you do it
i’m like real okay
and i just pissed in a cup and i drank it
he’s like shit that
and he had to try to do it he’s like
he’s like dry even i’m like it’s just piss man
but that’s also six years of fear factor
shit changes the way you look at things man
cause we had an episode once
where this girl
couldn’t eat this bug she was just
freaking out
she’s like she couldn’t eat it she couldn’t eat it she
could i go give me that
thing come on
come on we’re filming a show here just eat the fucking
thing i would have
never done that like season one
when the cameras roll
by the time you get to
season four you see
horse rectums and
blended maggots and
i saw people eat insane things
habanero peppers
i’ve seen people eat four
whole habanero peppers
just screaming in
agony where
every cell in your body
is writhing with this fucking
spicy sauce
so you know
drinking your own piss is nothing
it’s nothing it’s just
warm it’s just weird
other people’s
drink your piss just to say you did it it’s nothing
eat it first just take it take it off the fucking
bucket list
it’s not a hard one to do
just do it just to say you did it
do you ever drink someone else’s piss no
never drink well sure definitely because i’ve
eaten a lot of girls out they probably weren’t that
clean so sure
some way or another i got some piss in my mouth
astronaut i yeah
girls would like come back from the back i gotta go pee
they come back from the bathroom and i’d eat them out i
wouldn’t even think about it
i mean you know when you’re young you
stupid as fuck you’re not thinking about where you
stupid no you know that’s how i get girls in the
golden shower honest to god i
would say that i don’t wipe
after they’re pissed about just
leave it yeah that’s
that’s all dirty
and they would come back and it
would be just dripping and i would fucking clean it
you’re all groaning
but at least one of you is
going fuck i
would really like to do that
oh god the way i got my one
girlfriend into
it as i used to fool around her in the car and i
would have her piss into a cup
and then make her tip her hand so i
would have to
drink it i fucking what
what yeah wait a
minute what
oh yeah so you’re driving
right and how i
would pull over for that how good is this
bitch’s aim yes
she hopped in a wedding
first of all that’s a dude if she can hold
she can aim her
piss into a cup
while you’re driving i think she
might have a cock
i didn’t do
all this driving
i was driving a
trans am and fucking buford
t justice was chasing me
hold on the ass fred
no i would not i would get in a cup
it was hot so you
would hold it up
you would hold it up and she
would hit your hand
to make you
drink it no i
would tell her
because i want i kind of like i’m more dominant
but i kind of like when a girl can make me be dirty
and i’ll be like i tip
like i would
drink it i would have just
drank it but i wanted her to make me
drink it and she
would like guide it to my
mouth and oh
jesus christ fuck man
fucking getting hard over here what
about is it haha
what about poop
is it just a pee thing or a poop thing as well
yeah it’s just pee
just pee sure
i don’t believe that oh please i would
never take a log in the
mouth no matter how no you didn’t no way
really did you
no no you did
damn yeah on the chest
oh the chest what am i wasteful
on the chest did you see the
photos online of some poor girl she fell asleep at a
party she got hammered and passed out
and someone shit in her face
one dropped a little log on her
mouth and one of them on her chest
and she’s like
she’s so fucked up she’s passed out with her eyes open
looks like that
like half eye open and log on face
kids today they have the internet just
markers aren’t good enough anymore
you know sharpies just don’t cut it in two
thousand eleven
you gotta drop a log on someone’s face
and you know someone’s gonna drop a dime
their kids gonna get in
trouble you can’t just shit in someone’s face man
they’re gonna hunt you down bro
they’re gonna
fucking put all your friends in jail and they’re all
gonna talk and then eventually they’re
gonna arrest you
was it really shit though did they
actually see the asshole opening and shit
tumbling out of it or
someone skeptical
yeah you would think
after all you’ve
been through you’d say yeah probably as shit
yeah you’re
right i have seen a lot i
guess i’m fucking
i’m jade i’m like a guy in the nom with one week left
do you find
that it’s okay it’s socially acceptable to talk
about about
urine but it’s not socially acceptable talk about shit
like it’s piss
like like you know
water sports is kind of
silly you’re
crazy pee on each
other in the shower oh you so nutty
shit on my chest
you just kicked shit up to a
whole new level
yeah you really
have i mean shit here’s what shit is shit is going
close the door all kidding aside
are you wearing a wire
yeah but i talk
about that’s the beauty of being a comedian is like you
could say this
stuff and and they can’t hurt you with it who
gives a fuck i don’t care if people like it or don’t
and it’s not good to be
i’m not married either it’s a lot different like you
know i mean it’s like i’m not at the fucking kids or
animals or that shit i’ve just been a pervert my whole
adult life and
my whole childhood
so yeah you’re the healthiest pervert i’ve ever met
as far as like psychologically you own it
you accept it
but you don’t have any
other issues you’re very disciplined
you write a lot
you know you perform a lot you’re
not a fuck up you’re always on time you’re always
courteous you got your shit together
you’re just a freak
i’m obsessed with work
with comedy
and i’m really good with that so one thing
about myself that i love is that i’m a very good worker
i don’t feel guilty
about anything i have because i fucking work for it
do sets every
night i never feel guilty
about succeeding
if i work for it
but the sexual
stuff is fucking do it’s all
accomplice literally
i’ve written two books
and i had to put them together at the comedy seller
because i’m such a
slave when i’m on the computer to jerking off
like i literally
i’m like a chimp i
would just i
would grab my it’s soft my dick
it was like
literally i
would just be tugging on
and i had to do it at the
look at his face
look at this dude
the dude behind you with the hat sir okay
i was going just like
like he was
watching one of those terrorist head cutter videos
oh yes taweet and jihad
that was the fuck
did you watch those oh yeah i
watched i’ve seen a few of them
i’ve seen some horrible
those are ones that are violating people
but those videos people think i’m disgusting for
watching they’ve made me more empathetic
towards people like i really feel
like when i’m watching
those videos i’m like god that’s a
truly horrible thing
it gives you a real perspective on
maybe it doesn’t
maybe just telling
myself that and you know the fact that i get a
pounding erection you know
that’s just me
but no i feel empathetic towards
those people when i
watch you burn
alive or something it’s not just this
thing you hear
about it’s fucking horrible
yeah i don’t i’m not
a big fan of introducing that information into my brain
cause it just
it rewires the way you look at the day
you know like it’s very hard to just let it go when you
watch some guy get his fucking head
cut off and it’s wheezing out of his windpipe as blood
squirts out of it like a broken pipe
yeah you know it’s fucked up it’s a fucked up
thing to see
if you’re having a
great day and
really enjoying yourself
and hanging out with your friends then you watch that
you’re like okay now this is reality
that this is happening
right now in mexico
some guy is tied up in a barn somewhere
and they’re cutting his dick off and
stuff it in his
mouth as he
bleeds to death
like that’s real
i know it’s real but
how much information can you
absorb into your mind
you can’t the problem
that we have
today is you
could see something like that anytime you want
you could see any time of the
night you can download any sort of video
all sorts of
horrific acts that people are doing to each
other and animals are doing to people and
that reality
it exists all over the place and
you absorbing it and
bringing it
into your life does not make anything better
once you understand that that
exists you understand that
that spectrum of
human behavior is possible
the most you could
avoid that shit the better you are off
you don’t realize it
but you download a lot of
stuff and bring it into your life
you know that’s
going on but if you actually
experience that energy
we have access to too much fucking shit
we’re not supposed to
we’re not designed to have the internet
we’re designed to have access to all the disturbing
stuff that’s around us
so that we make good decisions on how we
should survive and
where we should go
but when it’s
everywhere it’s just anywhere you are
guy getting his fucking head cut off
just go on your
phone watch a
video you’re the king of that though you
watch that on like
every day way
more than i do i
watch way more
animals fucking up people
cause i always feel like what are you doing there
stupid that
doesn’t bother me nearly as much people
fucking up people’s very disturbing i saw one video
that i had seen before
it was a guy being murdered
by a screwdriver it was a real murder
that these these guys
way i was i forget what country it was some
bizarre they killed like
twenty one people in a
month they were
true sociopaths oh so i know what you’re talking
about something something that the
maniacs beyond the d
yeah and what the one murder they committed with
a fucking screwdriver
and it upset me so much i was laying down actually just
after those gonna
throw up like i was
gonna pass i
literally felt like i was
gonna faint
watching this
video it was that horrendous
and i kind of felt grateful that i
could like react
horribly to something like thank god
i’m not that jaded
cause you watch the news
and even we’re so jaded by it’s like
literally you hear people are murdered
every day and it
doesn’t have an effect
it that nine eleven had an
effect or the japanese nuclear meltdown or
those things have an effect
but when you
hear that somebody was killed in a car accident
or somebody was beheaded
it doesn’t mean anything anymore because you’ve
heard it 5 000 times
you watch it once
and then every time you hear it you know what it
sounds like and what it looks like
i never went back to iraq
i went one time with colin
to perform for troops
and it was right
after they caught sonom
and you know it was a
scary place
but then man fucking i was our cowie and
those guys started beheading people
and i was scared to go back and like god forbid
you’re going from one base to another and your fucking
blackhawk goes down
i’ve seen what that looks like i can
never put myself so it did fucking make me not do
something that i
would have done
would just go back to iraq
well it’s weird to me how we’ll concentrate
on one person that died in one strange way in america
but we won’t concentrate
on how many fucking people die in afghanistan
every single day
everyday soldiers get shot and killed
every fucking day
but because they’re soldiers it’s always like yeah
that’s the cost of war
right you know
they paid for your freedom and they start
nonsense and gibberish
about it but
you know when
you look at that like how strange it is
we were talking about
there was a charlie sheen comparison
all the people that died
while this charlie sheen shit was
going on all
these people that
died in iraq and there was a website that had like all
these different people and they showed all
their stories
and all these people died
while the united
states media was
covering charlie sheen every day
it’s pretty fucking strange
it’s strange how we can compartmentalize
we can say well
these are just people that are
dying in war so it’s okay
you know it’s like
the cost of life the
price of life the
value of life is much less
and also the media
i mean we all know they’re repulsive
they’re repulsive
but the days of cronkite
have are over
the days of integrity in the
media are over
but they still
enjoy the same content freedom and the same lacks fcc
rules which they shouldn’t
because their ratings driven they’re
about getting the
story first and
there’s 50 news channels now 24
hours a day news used to just be a segment
so everything that happened in the
world would be piled into a half hour
on a couple of different channels
now you got cnn you get fox news you get a million
places to find news and they got a full time so
everything now
is news you go on fox news all the time
right you do that red eye
show i used to do red
eye a lot i don’t do it much anymore although i love
the guys on the show
i had a slight
issue with fox themselves
and i like doing
hannity a lot because
hannity has always been very fair with opie and anthony
people have a knee jerk reaction hatred for
hannity but
cause he’s a cunt
no but you know what
he’s a guy that fought though for
he’s a guy that went to bat for imus
yeah but he’s
a guy that went to bat for opie and anthony with
still a cunt
he’s conservative
he’s a cunt that gets on your side but he’s
completely full of shit he’s a
total ideolog
he’s one of
those guys that just he’s for the
party a hundred percent
he attacks the democrats on
every front he’s
a weird guy it’s like
he’s a soldier in the republican war
he’s a very
he is a very conservative guy and i don’t always see
eye to eye a hundred percent with him
i really don’t but i like him because
he’s fought for the things
that affect me
which is language and he
fought harder for
unpopular language
than so many of
these liberals
it was like the guys that said that
once i must apologize i must apologize
the guys that said they
would go back on a show again
i think were giuliani and mccain
both republicans
and everyone kills the
republicans like oh they’re terrible for free speech
but you know what when opie and anthony got in
trouble fucking
hannity was one of the most
vocal supporters
like if you don’t like what they’re doing
just turn it off
and you know
where were all the fucking liberals
where were all the liberals
sticking up for the
right to say this unpopular
shit they weren’t around
yeah well they already had a relationship
before that though didn’t they opi and anthony hannity
yeah we used to compete
against them in the afternoon we were on any w
shawn was on but you guys
they were all friends too didn’t they
not really no they became
friends afterwards
yeah it was
never a hatred
it was just like he was the competition we were on
three to seven on any w in new york
and sean was ought to
think abc or whatever
is it weird though that when you’re doing fox
you know that fox news is a propaganda network it’s 100
propaganda i mean
they literally have
admitted to getting
direct information from the
white house here’s talking points
we want you to discuss this
which should be fucking illegal
i mean the fact
that the news gets driven by politicians and
and government you
know people that are in government
right now that’s
crazy that’s that’s
ridiculous fox that’s what was
going on fox is conservative absolutely
but they become a very safe
target because what happens is
look at cnn
look at msnbc
they’re very left leaning
so it’s almost like fox seems like this
crazy whacked out place
just because they’re far to the
right but the rest of
media is far to the left none of them
are in the cell look at the shit that went on npr
look at the fucking they
fired juan williams
for giving an opinion on fox
honest what was the opinion what did he say
he said to o’reilly he said honestly
he goes look i don’t he goes
i’m paraphrasing something
about how he felt
more uncomfortable with
muslim men on a plane
than he did with
other people and he said he almost
didn’t want to feel that way he was just being honest
about a feeling that everybody has
he was not attacking muslims
and then the fucking one of the women at
npr said that he
should have his head
checked and they
fired him on some
technicality because he gave an opinion or some shit
but it was because he gave
an opinion that didn’t go hand in hand with the company
and they dumped him for it
so it’s like
people say fox is so conservative
but this guy just an expressed opinion npr
fucking booted them
they’re extraordinarily
liberal the entire
media is biased in one way or the
other fox just
stands out because
they’re the
conservative ones so there’s like one of them
which is why they do the big numbers
because how many fucking
arch conservatives do you have you go to
riley you got
hannity you got beck they’re all in one place
if the fucking
liberals had just one
media outlet like that
you’d probably
have very very competitive numbers and ratings
i see what you’re saying but
still doesn’t really excuse the fact they get talking
points from the government that seems
completely ridiculous that seems like they’re just
a propaganda network
but i absolutely
agree with you
about the one william situation
beyond gross
can’t the guy be a
human being can he
admit to something
weird that he
doesn’t even like it himself that he feels
weird when he sees muslims
and it’s not like it’s a fucking unfounded
of fear i mean it’s not like
they didn’t fucking fly
planes into
buildings it’s not like they’re not
killing people
for dancing you know there’s a lot of shit
going on that
would make you scared of
muslims all over the
world it’s not
doesn’t mean that they are all like that but
how come a guy
can’t just say that can’t say i’ve got this fear
you know because we’re
phone americans we live in a very phony
place and england’s the same way with this
stuff with religion or with ethnicity
we’re always uncomfortable mentioning the truth
and it’s like
whenever you say
some scumbag christian killed
an abortion doctor we all know that’s fucking horrible
and people are
right to attack that and say it’s fucking terrible
but you don’t hear when
somebody says ah look at this abortion bomber you know
nobody ever
says yeah but there’s bad people in all religions
but whenever you mention
islam people feel like they have to
throw in that asterisk by mentioning
other religions
because they’re afraid they’re
gonna be fucking killed for it
like when piss christ was done
remember that
piece of art piss christ
all the papers talked
about and i believe a lot of them showed
photos of it
which they should have i mean it was a big story
but man when fucking
that danish paper
printed that
picture of muhammad
and that guy was killed for the cartoon i believe
or targeted for death
none of the papers
in the us printed it
smartly because they were afraid of being fucking
targeted for suicide bombings
but they were you’re
not mad at me are you sir oh no this guy’s leaving
this is such a
small crowd of one person to pee
are you gonna pee
i will wait for you
just hold it in you little girl
you know what
when i work with mike goldberg mike goldberg
has the bladder of a fucking chipmunk it’s the saddest
thing in the world
when we work together
the guy gets up to piss like four or five times
like you can
play a game at home if you ever listening to the
fights at home
if you hear only me talking
while a guy is walking
guys walking into the cage is
cause goldberg’s pissing
cause there’s no way he
would let me just talk for that long he’s
it’s only because
he’s gotta pee
i’m the same way i’ve i fucking i have to fly in the
aisle i have like a
psychological i can’t even take
window seats anymore
cause i piss so much
but you drink a lot
or is it just used to hold your peel
on your young
both dude i’ve actually was so
weird i had
sonograms done on my bladder and my fucking uh
i thought there was something
wrong with me i’m like do i get a fucking bladder
cancer you know because i always go for the healthy
you know immediately normal way to
think i have bladder cancer
and they’re like no you
drink too much
liquid you drink too much coffee and water
you want to hear a
crazy bladder story
i know a guy who’s
an mma fighter who’s on steroids and he doesn’t
want to get busted
so one of the methods of pissing
clean is they take
clean urine
and they inject it into his bladder
yeah he’ll self inject
clean urine
into his but this is all
completely rumor
from alleged
his coach but
you know i’m like how’s that guy pissed
clean and then they told me the
story and went whoa
that’s taking it deep so that’s
people are willing to inject themselves with urine
when there’s a
fake urine you can buy for drug tests no that
shit doesn’t work because
they they because they busted
kevin randleman with that shit
because it was non
human had no hormones so they so
human pee and they did in columbus ohio
you could buy packets of pee
and then you
keep it in between your legs when you do the test and
they put a little spout and you piss it out right this
yeah you to a
point they don’t know
your dick but they’re like
standing in the same room yeah you have fake
rubber dick they make them it’s called the whizzinator
it looks like it’s got veins and
everything get the
right at the
same tone yeah you
gotta get the
right color
i’d buy the
black one for ego purposes
i would buy a hulk dick
big green dick by
the way though just
we talk about the media bias
and the fucking arizona
shooter here’s a great example of fucking media bias
they were trying to pin it on
sarah palin and the metaphorical
target over the voting district they were like
we have to listen to
we have to stop listening to fiery rhetoric
concern it wasn’t a voting
it wasn’t just that it was actually over people
she had those
targets over people’s names
you know look i don’t think that sarah payne
was responsible for that one lone
crazy motherfucker
who made all those
crazy videos but
you if you’re putting that out there you’re putting a
crosshair on a person and saying this person is the
enemy that’s the target
you are definitely
implying that that that person should be shot
but i think we understand it’s a
crosshair bro
that’s how you shoot people
no it’s not like there’s
a wacky thought bubble over everyone’s head
duh you know this is the person no
they’re pointing these people out with a
target like with a gun sight
but if you say something like
the giants are gonna kill the jets
nobody thinks tall people are
shooting at aircraft no no no we all
know but that’s
we understand the metaphor of that and no
the point i’m making is
she was saying that dimitri
was saying it was conservative talk
and then bill moore
went on leno
and i like bill but he was like this conservative
talk and then all the kids friends are like
no no he was a fucking not exala
conservative
he didn’t listen to talk radio
they basically came out and
said that he was much more of a left wing guy than some
right winger
and then the
media had to shut the fuck up
that you know
it’s like they were just trying to find a way
even though she had a
target they
understood it was a metaphor
and they were trying to make it
into something it wasn’t because we all have an agenda
and it’s just
we can’t use metaphors anymore we can’t use a
target metaphor
because somebody
might kill people it’s
tricky when you talk
about how this country though is like
dying in this country is falling
apart and we need to save this country
and that is
that’s the hype and then when you say
here’s the blockades
these are the enemies
to freedom these are the enemies
these are the
people that are trying to fuck up this country
here’s a target a gun site on their head
like that’s that’s what you’re doing you’re saying you
should shoot them
i mean i’m not blaming her for what one
crazy asshole did
but you know when you put gun
sights on people’s names
you are implying that they
should be shot
but are you
implying they
should be shot or are you
implying the meta they’re a target
but does anybody really think that
sarah palin is saying
shoot him
i don’t think she has to
just by being vague
about it you
leave it open to interpretation by fucking psychos
and you’re putting
a crosshair and
you know how many fucking
idiots out there
are attracted to her and in love with her
because she’s reasonably
attractive and she’s a
woman that’s in power
and they have this
wacky thing
about her getting into
power and they
wanna help her and do her
bidding it’s very possible
that there’s a million
of them out there like that yeah but we can’t we cannot
dictate our speech
or the fact that metaphors
because somebody
might misinterpreted some
crazy person i agree
might misinterpret
this kid’s motives were unimportant
to me because he’s a
crazy fuck and he
stalked that
woman for like
three years
he was a crazy
motherfucker
who wanted to kill
her so he killed her my opinion is there was something
sexual there
cause for a guy to
stalk well he didn’t kill her she’s alive
i’m sorry dude but he meant to she
yeah he meant
to killed a little girl and killed
a couple of people
the thing is a mess it’s obviously you can’t
blame her for
doing that but what the fuck are you doing with
crosshairs over people’s names sure but
what did lennon do to inspire mark chapman to kill him
or what did gerald
ford do to inspire
squeaky fromm to want to kill you know what i mean
anytime you look at somebody who’s
an assassinate people and murder people you can’t look
for what we the regular people did
to cause it
especially again maybe
a target over someone’s face
but before that
every single person
understood the
metaphor of what it meant and nobody thought that
she was encouraging people i mean she’s not a bright
woman on you know
right but she’s
known as one of
those guns god and government people
you know and so
when you put
targets over people she’s a hunter
she’s known for killing
things she’s
known for sitting by the body
of an animal with a fucking rifle
which by the way they say that she didn’t really
shoot that thing
it was a photo shoot
and they pulled her up to the fucking body and gave
her the gun and she sat there and it was really all
but look at the language we’re
using comedy
it’s violent
you know i fucking died
like like we we all
understand what
we mean cause we live it yeah i
crushed i fucking murdered he fucking tanked
he bombed it’s like we all
understand what we’re saying
cause we have this commonality of language and
expression it’s almost like
when keith olberman who has a fucking twat
when he fucking
here’s why cause that phony
motherfucker good
night and good luck
he’s one of
those guys who
wants to be iconic yeah he’s not iconic he’s a fucking
jizz bag who
threw people
under the bus for language that he used like
when fucking
when one of the reporters said that
was chelsea clinton pimped
by fucking hillary clinton during the campaign
cnsbnbc had
keith out there apologizing
david schuster they suspended him for two weeks
and keith oman gave this apology
we’re dreadfully sorry
because saying pimped was terrible with chelsea clinton
and then there’s footage of fucking
keith olbermann
saying that david
general petraeus was pimped
by george bush
it’s like we all he
understood what that fucking word meant everybody
understood it just meant used inappropriately
but they selectively got mad at one guy
because he used it in relation to chelsea clinton
but it was okay for
keith oberman
to use it in relation to general petraeus
it’s fucking phony
any type of interpretation language like that’s phony
i’m babbling i’m sorry
he was babble
it’s okay he’s the guy that you
would babble when you talked
about because that was my
whole thing with him was he needed an editor
he’d have these
great talks i
would really like to get behind him if they were like a
minute long
but they just keep fucking going
it’s like god damn
dude you know you already said it you said your point
wandering on and on with
different adjectives you know
it’s like let it go just drop this cut this thing back
he was trying to be iconic you’re
right like when he said to the
we’re dreadfully
sorry i actually was like embarrassed for him like
shut up dreadfully
how when have you ever used that or wonderful
never i’ve come in girls and not said i’m
dreadfully sorry
but have you been
no i didn’t care
i gave him the
wrong last name and kicked him down the steps
now you’re a i know
you’re a big fan of us not being
in libya and you said something i thought that was
great on twitter the other day
know that how come
you know we’re fucking flying
troops over to libya
and yet no one’s hiring new cops for camden new jersey
you know which is
more dangerous
than libya yeah it’s a fucking
that’s a war zone
like you know
that’s where dwight muhammad kawhi
came from remember
dwight braxton
back in the
light heavyweight day oh
okay wow former
light heavyweight champion
one of vander holyfield’s
first tests as he was
becoming a professional finder
you know that’s a terrible terrible
place in this country and it’s
weird to me
that we keep
you know dealing with all this bullshit that’s
going on the middle east and flying
troops over the
other side of the planet when
mexico is right next door
mexico they are
taken over by drug cartels
they have fucking tanks in the
street and juarez
where they’re literally
fighting off armies
of billionaire drug sellers
that are right here you could
drive to them
you know and somehow another we
think that there’s a big threat
in another country on the
other side of the fucking planet
i’m just i’m tired of
part of the us acting like a fucking
mother in law
i’m sick of us
sticking up i become very
separatist i don’t care what
other country like we
should help japan
indonesia countries with this natural disaster haiti
there’s a difference between that
and shit that’s
not our fucking business and i’m sick and
tired of us
sticking our
fucking face
hey how about this you
wanna kill kadafi
do it when he’s setting up a fucking tent
in edgewater new jersey
instead of letting him fucking you
wanna kill like
my demons i do it when he’s here for the un
and still let him stay at the fucking intercontinent
hotel have some balls
stop allowing all
these people to come here
and fucking be a part of the united nations and then
spend fucking 50 million dollars to bomb them in libya
asshole you
could have fucking
hit him with a hammer and killed him for 20
yeah
good very good
point but what do you
think about the argument that it’s our job as the lone
superpower to keep
other crazy fucks from getting nuclear weapons
a part of me sure does
agree see i’m so
tired of the world’s attitude towards the us
like fucking europe we
should kick i’m glad the euro was fucking tanking for a
while because they
loved us when the soviet union was breathing
down their neck when the threat was that the russians
would do something
we were fucking all fantastic
but then as soon as the soviet union falls
america’s a bunch of cunts
and then they all get together and they create the euro
so that the us is not the big you
know france has little man complex too just like myself
and then they want to be a big
superpower because they’re fucking
annoyed at the
influence the us has
i’m tired of the
world hating us
and part of it is because they’re
jealous and part of it is we brought it on ourselves
because we won’t stop fucking
meddling we
should just
mind our business and if somebody fucks with us
the response
should be barbaric are you
a fan of ron paul
i don’t know much about him
i know that he’s supposed to be oh
he’s libertarian
right yeah i’ve
heard very well he’s a republican actually
yeah he had a
really interesting take on all this he’s like you can’t
first of all you can’t
overtake libya by just launching missiles they’re
gonna have to put
troops on the ground
and that’s when it gets
crazy because it’s
going to take a long ass fucking time this isn’t not
it’s just like
he was talking
about how it was just like they said in iraq
they’re going to be in there for a couple weeks
he’ll be out there he goes meanwhile 10 years
later they still don’t have an exit strategy like
even saying they’re pulling
troops out of iraq they’re
still leaving
tens of thousands of them i mean it’s like there’s a
giant army of armed
motherfuckers over there
that are going to stay there
and what he was saying was that
these dictatorships when
we have supported them over the years then all of a
sudden we decide that we’re going to
support some rebellion
we don’t even know who the fuck is
really behind the rebellion
i mean we the
american people don’t i’m sure whoever the fuck is
in the government at the highest
levels they must have some sort of an idea what’s
going on but it’s a
it’s a real weird
thing when we
start deciding
you know what
what shit to
get involved in what shit did not get involved in
and people will say well they’re gunning
people down the
street people are
dying in the
street yeah
but you know a million
civilians died in iraq
a million where’s the
freaking out
about that you’re not
freaking out
about that you’re
freaking out
about qaddafi
who is yeah he’s a thug and a scumbag
you’re freaking out
about him killing
these people that are trying to
overtake his government but you’re not
freaking out about
fucking apartment
buildings that were
blown to shit in iraq
have you ever
watched any of
those documentaries
where people really focused on
all the collateral
damage that happened in iraq it’s fucking horrifying
it’s horrifying
these families that
they think that we are the terrorists we’re the
worst fucking people ever on the planet
you know and how
about if we want to take a
stand instead of bombing libya
here’s what the problem with libya is
we’re embarrassed because
the pan am bomber was released
and we as a country were very embarrassed by that
because he’s
still alive
apparently the guys running
triathlons he’s
dead in two weeks
with cancer and he’s fucking healthier than i am and
we’re embarrassed by that so now we want to get qaddafi
how about we have some fucking balls
and you want to show you’re pissed off cut
diplomatic ties with scotland
because they’re the ones who fucking let him go
or if bp was behind it then fucking boot
those cunts out of the country
don’t fucking you know
waste my tax dollars
overseas you fucking take a real
stand or show
england that you’re mad for orchestrating the
whole thing
it just annoys me how we’re just being
selectively outraged and it’s like
you know the same shit with language i fucking hate it
well the real problem
is really itch i didn’t mean to stop talking
about everybody is
everybody is connected here in this whole
world now with the internet
we have the
separation of different languages
and the fact that we can’t physically get to each
other very easily
but the reality is we’re communicating with everybody
together now
you know i mean the
whole world
could communicate with each
other so the idea of
countries at a certain
point in time
becomes ridiculous
you know it used to be that
states you know
when you had to take your fucking horse
and it took
three days to get to maryland
you know like
these different
states sort of made sense
but then all of a
sudden when
you’re driving cars in between them you can get to
rhode island to connecticut
in 20 minutes but there are two totally different
things with
two totally different laws
you know and totally different
rulers you know
really you know the governors and this is like rulers
i mean that’s really what that is
and when it gets
worldwide like that at a certain
point in time
it becomes preposterous
it really we become a one
world society
and the only
thing that holds us back is language and government
that’s the only
thing that holds us back from being a one
world society
where we look at each
other as if
there’s just
just human beings on this one planet
the other different they act different they
smell different they have different food
but they’re just fucking people
the idea that it’s us and them
is so archaic
the idea that it’s
this group of people that we just called
today on twitter we’re a
group we’re us
we’re us at the show
it’s just random
we’re us in this city we’re us in this
state this us
against them is
crazy nonsense that i don’t
understand how it’s
still around it
should only
apply to people over and
under 200 pounds
that’s how we
should break
everything should be broken down to
chicks i would fuck
and chicks i wouldn’t
cause that really is what matters to me anyway
since we doing this
thing with a live audience and
we’re about an hour and a half in now i thought we
would end this up by
taking questions from you guys
because this is the only
time we ever get a chance to do something like this
and we used to do
it on twitter but too many people were cunts it’s just
breeding all this nonsense
but brooklyn’s
what about brooklyn yeah what
about bronco
buffador bro
jenna white so pussy yeah
do you guys have that wireless mic bro yeah
all right dude it’s gonna
grab another
water because i zipped
right on through mine
yes supposedly
this guy this guy like a
young kid i
started this box
water of his apartment
and i’ve been actually seeing a lot all over the
place and it makes pretty much
sense but now i’m
thinking wait he
started this in his
apartment so is he just filling it up from the faucet
thank you so is this better from
an ecological
standpoint to have cardboard than his
paper it is right yeah
because paper
doesn’t biodegrade is that the concept
they need to make these out of hemp bro
hip water i like this box water i just
something cool actually pretty good
i feel like the professional
i fucked up is kind of a carton
other professional
i know how fucked up is that we can’t drink
water do you
drink tap water i never drink tap water in new york i
do we actually have good tap some of the pipes
are old but new york tap is actually better than most
places believe it or not
but it still
has fluoride
tested that it still has
fluoride in it man
yeah i mean
i don’t really
fluoride oh yeah
here’s the deal
water is not supposed to just sit there
if water sits there it turns
green and shit grows in it if you
drink it you die
and that’s what’s supposed to happen
you’re only supposed to buy
rivers and you’re supposed to be
drinking out of
streams and rivers
because it flows
naturally and it gets filtered through
the rocks and all that bullshit and it goes through
the earth wait
so you’re saying if a glass of
water sits here it’ll just become moldy yeah
you know what this is why i’m a
piece of shit
because i saw
that falling and i just didn’t say it i know
i slow motion for me
and we’re back
i like chaos for the
folks at home my mic
stand fell over oh yeah joe my shit my
speaking of mike joe you’re good on the wireless
okay where is it it’s
right in the audience
oh someone’s got it okay
um so what we’re
gonna do now
is we’ll just take questions from anybody who has any
i didn’t think that
would happen i
think water become moldy though
well let’s just answer that real
quick if you
leave a bucket of
water around the sun you’ve
never done that and it turns
green and shit and
things grow inside of it
yeah you can’t just
drink water
tap water is filled with
chemicals is the reason why you can have it in these
giant reservoirs and it
doesn’t turn toxic
things bacteria
i always thought
like if you had a bucket of
water is because something else was in that bucket
i thought water by itself
would never become moldy or
anything because there’s nothing really no if you get
water from like a pond bro there’s all kinds of
crazy shit yeah but that’s also
ecosystem yeah you you
would have to i mean i have to get
water if you have a bottle
no you have to get
water that has
no life in it and the only way to get that is
water from a
stream because
it gets filtered down and you know when you get
water from a lake
that’s a lot
that’s still
water and then
reservoirs are like lakes
so they have to fill
them up with chemical so that nothing grows in them
why does bottle
water never get more
because it’s spring
water fucker
no that’s what i was talking about
well the other
stuff that they kill
everything in it they process it
it’s filtered
that like dasani water
right that’s what i was talking
about that you were talking
about i hate
dasani water
yeah hate tap
water i don’t like any
water that goes
when i open it yeah
why is my fucking
water making a
noise my water is
queefing that’s unhealthy
that’s from
the coca cola company that’s actually the same
water just without the syrup
they use the same machines really just don’t put the
syrup in it i was told it’s so
crazy though that
we have so many people
so far away from natural resources that we have to
poison the water
we have to poison the
water to make
sure nothing grows in it so you can use it
it’s kind of crazy
what’s up buddy
hey guys hi
welcome to the podcast
thank you sir you’re
being listened to by hundreds of thousands of people
right now it’s a pleasure to be here
it’s a pleasure to have you i’m getting aroused
i saw jim i saw you
maybe a year year and a half ago at a club
here in town and
but this question for all you guys
i got a distinct
difference and feeling of like the people the
crowds here in la and the crowds back east
are you getting and i know jimmy you play a ton
back east and we get you out here sometimes not enough
but we get you out here sometimes
is there a do you feel it
when you’re out here
or is there something you can deal with
compared to being back home i don’t
think they’re much different because i’m the same
it’s like you think like san francisco would be a very
tougher place to perform well they’re politically their
ideology is much different
they’re phenomenal crowds austin texas very very
ultra liberal side
fucking i saw you in
phenomenal time it was
great fucking crowds
so the politics
or there’s the vibe of the city never matters to me
if you do what you do and you’re
funny i think the
crowds normally
will respond but in all fairness you’re at the
point where you get your own
crowd it does matter when you’re
starting out it makes a huge difference that’s a good
point when we
started out
jimmy and i
started very
close together when i met you was like what 90 19 the
quarter deck
i saw you we did i
think i hosted you middled
and i forget
who closed on something couldn’t follow you
it was the quarter deck
for pat corrini i believe
wow where was that it was in the
lake roncakama
in new jersey damn is that
jersey or new york that’s new york that’s long no no no
no this was in lake
something it was a lake hapak kong
hapak kong new jersey i
think it was a gig we did
it was a fucking
it was like a deck it was weird
was it a bob gonzo gig
it might have
been at that time bob gonzo was a guy in jersey and
he had booked hell rooms in jersey
shore before there was a tv show jersey
shore yeah this wasn’t the
this was not the
shore this was somewhere in a lake
around like a padcon
in new jersey
i did a lot of gigs in jersey
i don’t know when it was but it was like
1990 ish it wasn’t good
no it’s not a good gig
when you start out
and you’re doing
stand up and no one knows who you are then audiences
matter then it really matters
where you’re at
and you see
a big difference between performing in boston
as opposed to performing in
rhode island or
connecticut
or something like that
there’s you know
and a lot of times it’s better when you’re in
places where they appreciate
that someone’s
actually performing they have something to do there
there’s nothing in
those towns
you have to
drive a long time to do comedy
but when you get to a point
where jim’s at
what happens is you get your own audience
and then the people are pretty much the same everywhere
it’s real weird
like in new
york i did some shows this weekend at gotham
might as well have been right here
might as well
have been at the improv it was really just a bunch of
people that’ll
think like me
yes it is harder when
you that’s true because
you don’t have after a
while you don’t have to
prove yourself
you thought to be funny
but they kind of give you the benefit of the
doubt before you go on so
they’re not
gonna be judging you on every
single idea do i
agree do i disagree they kind of know
who you are and what you do and they’re okay with it
and the beginning
is always the hardest part when you’re on
stage and people don’t know who you are
because the beginning is who the fuck is this guy and
depending on how you’re dressed
you’re worried
about that you’re
worried about what kind of
image you’re portraying
you know it’s hard to
get acceptance
so when you have acceptance already when you’re
going on stage it’s way easier
yeah yeah you’re
starting already
if you suck eventually they’ll let you know but i
think if you got a couple of minutes
yeah if you’re not i
never mail it
in so if you’re not mailing it in they’ll at least
appreciate that you’re
giving them a good show
that’s to me the
grossest thing
when someone gets to a
point where they’ve got a lot of
success and they
completely take it for
granted and don’t
appreciate that all
these people
have come to see him they just come take it for
granted and just accept it
you know they just
expect it you know that’s the
grossest thing when you hear
about guys and they get to a certain level
and they just give up they just
don’t care anymore and they hate
their audience you know
yeah but la crowds are fine
you know what i mean i have no problem here
like some crowds are more touchier
like with la they’ll be a little touchier
about a gay reference
than they would be
about a racial
reference but here in this city they’d be a little
more touchier
that type of stuff you notice but it
doesn’t really affect what you’re doing
but some clubs though
there’s a big difference between the vibe at
a comedy store
and the vibe at
the improv it all depends on how the place is being run
now that does i
never do well at the laugh factory because
they like a younger
funner energy
than i have like you know what i mean like that like
they like a different energy dane cook
their energy works
very well there
mine does not
you know what i mean because they
would go up and murder and
literally then i’ll go up
and they just won’t enjoy
my observations they just
and they get it i
never think a crowd
doesn’t get me i’m not
the fuck they get it they just find they don’t enjoy it
is that the most
annoying thing
ever when a guy tells a shitty joke and they go okay
went over your head there’s nothing
worse than when a comedian
thinks they don’t get him it’s like what do you
think you’re not what
are you you’re not giving up physics equations you
talk yeah they
thought you the fuck
yeah it’s the
worst anything else
no that was perfect
i went past the my
obviously there’s a bevy of questions
as i go how i do it
this is a fun little thing though
right this kind of weird to do it like this
hey guys don hey sir what’s going on not much
i just want to talk about los angeles for a second
you guys know how much the tickets are for those
flashes is that not working is that mike not working
hello i got to get close to it yeah
you guys know how much those tickets are at the street
light those flashes i was making a right hand turn
how much four hundred eighty dollars whoa
where’s that money going
um to make right turn cameras yeah
the technology is amazing
they have my face they got my
license plate you can tell like what
month my things gonna expire
that bugs me man if you’re not there to bust me i win
you know you can’t you can’t
catch me like that that’s ridiculous
especially right turn on reds
silly as shit i got a
i got a ticket the
other day for not stopping completely
i did to i just did this i got up
and then i kind of went
and went and i barely stopped
but i did sort i
definitely fucking slow down i didn’t just enter
into the intersection
like a fucking wild person
it’s so silly though
it’s just a cop saw you or a camera saw you do that cop
he actually gave me a warning
but it pulled me over for
it you know there’s a lot of shit to pull people over
slowing down not enough you know
stupid it’s
stupid you have to stop and go abc one two
three so now my fucking two year old
she’s every time we go to a stop sign she goes
abc one two three
she does it
everywhere so
everywhere we go she
counts it’s kind of cute that’s a
great excuse for the cop to like i knew
she said abc one two
three okay sorry
so that was it you just want to talk
about the camera that fucked you over
fuck that camera dude
it’s fucking nonsense man
you know in europe it’s even
creepier because in europe they have
speed cameras
and they catch you when you’re on
like they are
they have it in arizona well
in europe they actually have
it’s built into your gps
so as you’re driving it tells you in australia as well
in australia it tells you
speed camera
section and you slow down
and then you
know yeah it’s crazy when we were in australia
we noticed that the gps
thing of the
guy that was driving us around was doing that
it’s like nuts man like
someone’s watching you from the sky
you’re not gonna be able to drive reckless anymore
you’re gonna have to be
considered of
other people’s lives
yeah really
catch twenty two like where does the right of me
right break the law and
and the right of other people to be safe right in
it’s like people that say i can drive drunk
other people can’t fucking handle it you like damn man
yeah that’s a
i’m not confident in you
you want to
be this guy here too and someone up there who
hello okay did someone up there have one
okay let me get this guy after
yeah i’ll be
quick so no no i’m not rushing okay
it’s a question for everyone but it
started with something joe said
it was to jim saying that
well you know your perv
and you accept that you’re a perv but
you know you function well in society you’re
productive you’re creative
you know i think that
do you think it’s possible though obviously that he’s
obviously not the only high functioning pervert
but like he can you know like
he’s like a unicorn bro
he’s the one
there’s a lot of high functioning pervert
so they get caught then you realize oh he was a
clinton didn’t just get his dick sucked by one
fatty believe me
well clinton was a whip his dick out in meetings guy
he would like take a chance
like be talking to a girl and just pull his cock out
thinking that you’d just
freak out and just
start sucking it
and apparently it had to have worked a
bunch of times
for him to be
so confident that he just whip it out all the time
but when he was in arkansas
apparently he was just a
monster yeah
doing what you should do
but you know what
the real reality is that
to get a person
that really wants to be in charge like that
the person who really wants to like work 16
hours a day to try to run the government
they want to be the fucking man
they really do that’s
the only type of person that wants to run for president
the type of person that wants to be the
fucking man like that also wants to get his dick sucked
you know they want reverence they want
yeah needs it yeah he’s a fucking freak
but that’s what you get
otherwise you get a shitty president
like jimmy carter
jimmy carter
would never whip his dick out no one was scared of him
you know he couldn’t get a goddamn
thing done because
he didn’t know how to pull his cock out
it just go well ma’am it’s
a getting late
i think i’ll be
going home when
will clinton
an hour earlier
would have had his cock in her mouth
you know he
was closing deals like a
motherfucker son
clinton closed deals dude
i mean he lost a lot of them at the bargaining
table but that
motherfucker
closed a lot of deals that the average person
wouldn’t have
you know there’s some people you know
everybody has been in a situation in life
where you like really
like i met a girl once in connecticut
and i got off
stage i was like
nineteen fucking eighty nine or something like that
and she was so pretty
and she came up to me
and she goes she goes that was really
funny i think you’re really hot i go yeah
wow that’s all i go like really
she goes you want to get out here and fuck
i went okay and i didn’t even know her name
and we were having sex like 20 minutes
later we’re in my hotel room having sex
every now and then that does happen
you’ll meet some completely crazy person
so with a guy like clinton
he was just like come on seven just just
everywhere he goes he was just scratching off tickets
like what do we got here oh you’re normal
sorry sorry
put my dick back in my pants
i just thought
maybe you were a fucking
crazy freak
maybe you’re willing to throw down
i mean there’s a lot of people out there that will
appreciate it
there’s people out there that like getting choked
you know some girls if you’re having sex with them you
choke them they’ll
get mad at you like hey let go of my neck
but other girls go oh fuck yeah
all right we got a winner we got a winner here
you never know
until you try you know how
do you breach the subject of taking a shit in someone’s
chest right
shut the door
yeah normally
what i’ll do is i’ll drop one of rob schneider’s
movies on her
chest and go how do you feel about that
oh and you know what i have to be honest
i don’t really even have
i ever seen a rob schneider
movie it’s a good one
to like he’s got enough enemies and it’s probably
valid okay were you done with your questions or no
yeah well i mean just cause for me it was the
first time i forget what we were talking about
yeah just how
high functioning perverts
and just the idea like
you know without giving too much information i had
you know told a buddy of mine the kind of
stuff i was into and
he’s just like okay what are you into what are you into
well like okay there’s this
there’s this
series called fuck my mom and me
there’s like 14 of them now
fuck my mom and me yeah
so it’s about
two women older younger that want
lesbian experiences or a guy to follow no
it’s what it is it’s like they’re like oh we’re
gonna go to this new job interview
and they just sit down and they’re like
there’s like an
older woman
and then there’s like a
teenager looking girl with like the pigtails
sure and then she’ll be like
so i brought my
daughter to come and
get to know
about the industry
since i do porn
and they’re
like okay well show me your ass show me your tits
and then you know they’ll do this
about five or six different times is it real
no no no obviously they’re not real
daughters no
is there no
but i mean that you know they buy into like they’ll
brian has a lot of
experience about the porn industry
he’s actually
dated porn stars he
could pretty much tell you exactly
were you molested or do you like that i mean oh no like
always had a
thing for older
women and then like how old
well like sophia
lorraine no like yeah
when you were saying sophia
lorraine it was like no i would
you would i
would you didn’t
see yourself just because
it’s sophia
lorraine it’s a
monster you’re not
thinking of
smells are you
yeah you’re not
thinking of
no that’s true
i always thought
like what if they came up with some sort of a
thing that they
could turn an old person into a
young person like they can regenerate your tissue
you know i mean that’s not far outside of the realm
of science the ability to figure out how to regenerate
but what if they
could turn an old lady
into a young
chick she still
smell like an old lady
grandma just
started fucking all your friends
your grandma was a hot
bitch all the
sudden she was like
twenty yeah
and your grandma
like grandma why are you fucking my friends
and then she’s jerking you
often hear the charm bracelet jiggling
she looks like
tracy lords when she smells like barbara walters
just smells like an old rotten husk
rotten old fucking leather bag
like a goddamn catcher
smith that some fat guy i’ve been wearing for a month
wait a second
wait a second
it’s hot as fuck and you have to
spray her with her esther
has a really old name and she hmm
science bro
science someday i like the fact that
you said like i don’t want to give out too many details
well and then it all just came
the whole point was
i didn’t want to take up too
much time because i know there’s a lot of people here
oh please man don’t be humbled this
is what we’re here for there’s more for this
you sound like a
freak with an interesting story no
that’s pretty much that’s pretty much me
but is it a
i like that kind of
point i don’t
think there’s anything
wrong with that i
think that’s just looking for variety of something new
because i’ll look at old lady porn
and not because i want to fucking old
ladies because
wow this girl has her
pussy i’ve never seen an old lady’s pussy
you know so
is that why you
think you do it or are you
interested in it well i’ll tell you well
since it’s all coming out now
when i was a
kid you know i’d go to church and there’d be like all
these sexy older
ladies you know oh yeah
church you know
and that’s where like the the real repressed
sexuality is there because you know what religion
just christianity
no no i didn’t
do catholicism or anything like that so i
would go to church and you know the
women would have
these nice tight outfits so
it’d be a thing you’d have like your
whole how old were you
you know i grew up in church so probably five to 13
yeah so even when you were little you just
hawking on these bitches oh yeah
eagle that’s why
that’s why when i found the
yeah when i
found fuck my mom and me i was like no they finally
they finally did it
they finally did it and i was just really excited so
do you know by the way the
first time i you
know you wink at somebody when you’re attracted to them
i was in church one time and we were doing that
peace be with you
peace be with you
and there was a little blonde girl and i was like
i kept blinking
at her i was like six and she kept smiling
i just kept blinking
and then i realized it was a boy
i swear to god i didn’t know
and so begins his journey yes
yeah the next
thing you know the girls in a
dress with an adam’s
apple and who knows
go ahead sorry i didn’t mean to cut you off with my
homoeroticism but
by the way man
you can get the real shit you have to go to this
fake shit you just go into google and type like mom
daughter russian
and you’ll get
the real shit yeah i’ve seen that like i’ll go to like
you know russian right
or that’s how you know it’s legit yeah
the keyword
that’s important no but it’s
funny like they’ll have
women that are like in
their you know 40s really
attractive you know pornstar
what’s not about that though it’s just memories of your
childhood is that what it is well no
cause i mean they have to be
well put together because i did date someone 15 years
older than me and like you’re saying this like we
never fuck because
just making out was nauseating
you know who’s into
older chicks
benjamin franklin
benjamin franklin
wrote about how
women when they get older really
appreciate you
and the young
girls dating six he was fucking bald and fat and wear
stockings and young chicks would never fuck him
i mean until the
whole believe
me if he didn’t accidentally zap himself he just
would have been some fucking fat fuck
was jerking off looking
20 year olds
out his creepy non window yeah it’s by choice i date
older women
yeah non window
you couldn’t afford windows back then it
was cold out there
yeah now he’s on a you
never knew who the fuck was outside your house
your house was just a box
so yeah pretty much it’s just like
i had told this buddy i
you keep going give the fuck on
somebody else you said to keep
going so i’m
gonna keep going come on man it’s getting harder the
more it’s getting
weirder and weirder to identify with you yeah
jesus but it just it brings me back to the first
he just wants to keep going
it just brings me back to the first
thing about high functioning perverts
well you see
are you you seem normal
i am and that’s the thing is that like it’s the
first time i’ve ever heard someone else
kinda call someone i was like wow you know
i would’ve never
guessed you know or you’re so well your
stuff i think is a bit more acceptable in general
yeah that’s normal shit yeah yours is just what’s even
more normal you’re not getting the real shit
cause even i got the real shit at my house
you wanna see real mom and daughters i got that shit
you got it send me a link
i get all that shit that shit’s hot it’s different
he’s like i don’t want to be too detailed
but they’re so cute when they’re small jack yeah
i don’t touch them i just take pictures oh colonel
fucking colonel from boogie nights you creep
i’ve always said that the strangest
thing about porn is that they’re
still making them
isn’t there enough already made
yeah how much do you
jerk off they’ve been making porn for 30 fucking years
how many porns
is that do you need to make make new ones
well it’s more
like just finding somebody you like now like yes yes
that’s that is what it is but
still it’s still
shocking to me that there’s enough interest to
still be filming it
did you did
your question sir
you ever been no filming i’ve been a
couple yeah i’ve hosted the award show
twice thank you
buddy for your question
i’ve hosted the
with jenna jameson
and i hosted with
oh my god i always forget her name the
avian awards yes and so i got to watch
and film and i got to jenna’s
shoot was like a regular
craft services
and wardrobe was like a regular film shoot
and then the independence that you went and
watched you know were kind of like you know
was this back in the days where
jenna was sort of off the market
and she was only doing girl
scenes i don’t
yeah she was
married her husband jay was there
this was o3
we taped january of 04
so it was like for the o3 year
and i always forget the girl i taped them so in a
o seven fuck
she was a wicked girl but nice i didn’t watch her
shoot it was hot
whatever happened to gage do you remember gage i do
sure sure she’s a
great babysitter stuff
all right babysitter
stuff i like fucking you know i like i like an re vox
because she gave really
sloppy blowjob
like fucking foam blowjobs
which they always look so lovely
it’s like she was
fucking making a cappuccino on his cock
gaggers yeah she was
great yeah that’s another category gagging
oh i love gagging
we were talking about the podcast
today that cream pie is an actual category like
i know enough enough people know what
cream pie means that it’s like such
index yeah to fucking blow a load inside cream pie
rules gagging
i love to dish out a good cream pie
on the way to the airport
what was your question anybody else yeah this guy here
first off i want to say i’m a huge fan of all
three of you guys thank you to be here but i
guess this is more for redband than anything
i don’t know if you noticed
that kevin smith’s taking his whole
smodcast network and doing a
internet yeah absolutely
radio network with it is there any
chance that
death squad’s
gonna do anything like that or anything what do you
mean by that like just do it like move on to a 24 hour
type of if there was more than me
doing it yeah
absolutely but i’m already down
right now this is my
second podcast
today second yesterday i have two tomorrow it’s like
it’s it’s killing me of course i
should have employees but when there’s like really no
money into it
you know i mean i’m not kevin
smith kevin
smith has you know
like sponsors and
stuff like that so
i can see in the future that’s kind of why i wanted to
start it is just kind of get
ahead of the game a little
the success of joe’s we might as
well we thought hey we
might as well just have a
whole bunch of podcasts with all our friends
and then we
could all work together
and bounce off each other
so yeah in the future
definitely i mean i
would love to do that you know and the death
squad name came
from when we were on the opie and anthony show
opie yeah opie
yeah oh yeah
it was like he was joking around because i brought in
tate fletcher was on the ultimate
fighter and
eddie bravo and
i remember they were all in studio
and he goes oh joe rogan shows up with the
death squad
and then i think it was joey diaz
started calling us it
right was it joey
i was saying and
after that he
started repeating it and then we just
stuck you know as a funny
stupid name
you know but yeah
definitely in the future that’s what the
whole the master plan is and
stuff like that but
yeah and the also the master plan is
as we are we’re all network together
it helps everybody you know like you know like joey
diaz had a show tonight in manhattan and he calls me up
dog make sure you
tweeted my show
and so i’m twittering
his show and i’m trying to you know it’s like
we help each
other out and you know
the bigger joey gets the bigger
brian gets the bigger ari gets we all you
know it helps get
everything out there and
it’s fun it’s fun to have a
group of people
that are all doing well together you know
yes makes it interesting like
like i said i mean a big fan of
everything so it’d be really awesome to get that
on well we’re
gonna keep going with all this shit it’ll
definitely accelerate
i don’t know
where it’s gonna lead but
you know one of the
things that i’m most fortunate
about is that i
have a lot of cool friends i have a lot of interesting
friends and we have cool conversations and this
podcast has really sort of reinforced that you know
reminds me of the bumper
sticker i created it says one for all and all for one
i sell it after shows arms are for huggings my favorite
until someone breaks in your fucking house
i got a fast one
have you your mics off
you’re panicking
okay this one’s pretty much for joe
have you ever shroomed in the isolation chamber no
mostly i eat pot and go in there that’s my favorite
thing that seems to be the scariest rod
is eating it and going in there
i like to eat enough so that i’m fucking terrified of
everything and then i climb in
jimmy have you ever shroomed at all
me yeah have you ever
done any psychedelics at all no i used to do mescaline
which would make me laugh a lot
psychedelic that’s a
san pedro cactus
but i never did
acid i never because people
wouldn’t take it with me they thought i
would have a fucking problem
so i never did acid i never did
any type of psychedelics because i was i
think they would have been bad for me i
really that’s buzzy that’s a bummer to me
you never know they
might have been really good for you yeah it
might have been the thing that opened the door to your
one of the number one things for addiction insiders
there’s two things that people use for addiction
ebagin is a big one and
ayahuasca is another big one and they’re both
super intense introspective psychedelics
and they cure a lot of people of
drug addiction obsessive compulsive
behavior oh
really all sorts of personality issues yeah yeah
it’s illegal in america of course
but you can go to mexico and they have ebegain
ebogain ebogain don’t know how to say it
they have clinics down there
where you go and take it and my friend ed
went down there and it changed his whole life
ed clay he owns a jiu jitsu
school in nashville
and it completely
changed his life he’s a totally different human being
after you had that
experience like
it’s like literally
i think a real
strong psychedelic
experience is like you
know meeting the divine
it really is like that like it brings you
to some place that
allows you to see what’s possible out of
humans out of thinking out of life out of the universe
and then you come back into this
world of shit and you try to make the better of it
yeah i don’t
i don’t do any type of drugs
you ever think about it though
have you ever thought about anything
about like psychedelics
or something
but i can’t i know i don’t trust myself
i’ve proven that i cannot handle it
right so you don’t it’s intoxicating
but you were what 15 women when i was
18 i got over
but it’s just the risk is not worth it what i
would lose i would lose everything it’s not worth it
right i can’t do it joe can do it and have a
great career
and it’d be a great stand up and have a fucking ufc
like you know he
does his stuff
and doesn’t miss anything
it’s a part of his life but for me it overtakes me
like i can’t handle
i had to write at the comedy
seller so i
wouldn’t just jerk off
so you did all
your writing like there during the day as it was not
bad no no no
no this is as long as i was doing a book and i had
to now it’s
better so when you were doing the book though you would
just show up there with a laptop i
would do four sets on a saturday and
three on a friday
i would just
write in between and
there would be enough
noise distraction i need some distraction when i write
a little buzz in the comedians talking
but it will be good for me
i still will
write there sometimes though at night
but only what i’m doing is set
wow you know
it’s a program that i talk
about on the podcast all the time it’s called
right room and it’s great
you have to
activate it obviously but what it is is once you do it
the screen is totally
black and you just have green text
that’s it and
you don’t access any of the programs
and then you have to hit escape
to go back to your normal window
right yeah but it’s amazing use a mac or a pc
i use a mac yeah
it’s for a mac
i’ll show it to you it’s good
it helps me
from checking my twitter
looking on facebook writing that
stupid shit
you know those distractions
i think it’s an interesting
thing that comics all seem to
share this obsession thing
with me it’s
video games any kind of games
i can get very obsessed with things
thankfully it’s
never been drugs
it’s never been like anything destructive
the drugs that i’ve ever been into they’re only like
psychedelics like pot and mushrooms and
stuff like that
i’ve never been into like destroying my life coke or
no never never even
tried but with
with games man
i have a real fucking problem i really have to
avoid them and with ari
ari you know it’s either masturbation or sometimes it’s
gambling and playing poker
and every comic has some
crazy obsession for me it’s just physical fitness
my obsession is with just really taking care of myself
being really vascular yes
how can i take a man’s body and put tits on it haha
who’s got the mic
yeah hey guys what’s up hey
fella i got a question
how do i sell my girl on the flesh
first of all congrats on
rocking that fat fucking mustache you got there fella
i think you need to shave
off the goatee and just go straight straight
state trooper
handlebars going on
she played third base for the phillies in the late 70s
so how your
girlfriend like
how do i how do i sell this you have a vibrator
what do you mean by sell the
flashlight for me to get
one you gotta own that shit son
that’s what we
gotta do you just
gotta go this is
look you know i beat off now i beat off into this done
okay sometimes you gotta set
boundaries in a relationship you know
you gotta make sure that no one fucks at your personal
space if you wanna
jerk off into a tube you gotta be able to do that man
is that what a flashlight is it’s just like a jerk
sleeves amazing and i’ve got one for you all right
i’d like to use one
i’ll get you one i got a box of them at home i like to
point at my girlfriend just go you know what
this is not as annoying as you
this is everything you are
minus the expense and annoyance
yeah the only
issue is that
you don’t have to clean your girlfriend
you don’t have to clean the
flashlight either
well if you’re wealthy
you can just buy a new one just buy like five a week
when you can’t put your dick in
because it’s like an ear with too much wax in it
then you fuck it you jump on it like
toothpaste it shoots out on the rug and then you
fuck it again
and the officials
all the way up to the top like a fucking oil well
yeah be capped
that’s what you do you
throw out your
eight pound
flashlight you
get a fucking new one you fill that up to
with toilets i know your flashlights awful heavy
smell it turns your flashlights rusted
you can make a fucking house out of your loads yeah
fuck it is is your wife or your
girlfriend do you it’s a girlfriend
well see there you go man it’s not even a wife listen
you got to put your foot down bro do some squats
i’m sure she has dildos too and you know squats and
stakes that’s what i recommend
yeah for sure man you know it’s just a
touchy subject
it’s a touchy subject with you and her
have you brought it
up have you reached the subject no i just wondering how
broached breached whatever
which one why is it
touchy is she
like a boring one
no i haven’t even
asked her but just the
whole master
are you scared
are you scared of losing her
she finds out you jerk off into a tube
maybe you know
you know what it is man
there’s something that’s kind of creepy about
planning out beating off and that’s what people have
a problem with sex toys and pocket
pussies like really you used your credit card like
you know it’s
like you actually went out of your way like now i’m
gonna go buy one of
these things
then i’m gonna fuck it yeah but
it’s something one if you’re jerking off in the shower
it’s like they can almost like forgive you for that
but if you go out and buy a pocket
pussy she’s like i’m
right here motherfucker you know
he’s afraid charles bronson’s
gonna kill me you know what this is for it’s like
jacking off
in ten to midnight that guy with the
great ass who was killing women naked
warren
next person who’s got the mic
jack and all he was who’s next
how do you guys know who’s next
yeah this question’s for joe i was wondering
about when you go on
the tank and
lose yourself and you say you go on the hulu safety
hallucination trips is that like a dmt or a psilocybin
trip or is it
a completely different trip when you go in there
it’s similar you know it depends on how
relaxed you get
how you know
it’s very very difficult to let go
if you’ve never had a sensory deprivation tank
experience and you’re
thinking about it i
should just say this to anybody who’s listening
google where to float
just google that term and there’s a website
that you can go to that lists there’s two of them
they list all the different
places all across the country we
could rent tanks
there’s a bunch in la there’s a few rather
but it’s hard to find them in
other parts of the country
the big thing is
about letting go
the big thing is
about learning how to
relax that’s what you
should look into jimmy
see you don’t want to do drugs
the isolation
tank i know they have them in new york i guarantee you
there’s people that tell me they
float in new york all the time i get
emails from people
but it’s good though to
float i would feel
fantastic it’s
great for your body too
yeah it’s really
relaxing it’s really good for your muscles and your
alignment and
everything out i
hear my back popping sometimes when i’m in there
cause it’s like
zero gravity
usually a couple
hours at a time i usually do
about two hours at a time you do like at night
yeah i do when everybody’s asleep
i like to do when there’s the
least amount of possible energy there’s
least amount of movement i want
everything still
i don’t want it just
quiet i want to make it
i want to maximize the idea of the sensory deprivation
and if you don’t
know what it is it’s a tank that’s filled with
water and the water has
salt in it 800
pounds of salt
and when you lie in it the temperature of the
water is the same temperature
it’s heated to the same temperature as your skin
so you have no sensory
input you don’t feel the
water you’re floating
you don’t hear anything your ears are underwater
and you’re in
total silence
total darkness
and in the absence of sensory
input your brain just kind of goes
crazy how do
you breathe though i’m claustrophobic a little but that
would drive me nuts yeah
if my ears had
water on them
but my nose didn’t i
would just keep hearing myself like i am now
and i would do this
i’m gonna try
that tonight you have to i can do it for hour
i do it into a vagina that really
creeps a girl out
yeah yeah next
time you eating
pussy just go eh
me you gonna come back down to san diego and do a
stand up show soon
yeah i’ll definitely go back to san
diego again i
think i remember when the last time was there
it’s been a while
house of blues
house of blues yeah
i have a problem
with venues
and this is
the problem is i don’t want people to have to stand up
and a lot of the bigger
places that you do when you
start doing like
house of blues
usually they seat
about 600 people but they
can have standing like 1100
and i always say well i only want a standing
seated show
and you’re the
first person that i ever
heard say that actually
i heard you say that on opie and anthony
and i was like what’s the big deal
like who cares if it was a seated show or a
standing show because there was some dispute
about one of your shows
and then i went to see stanhope in la
and i was in the audience
and it was some fucking bar that he had this
crazy show at and we had to
stand up the whole time
after half an hour
my fucking back hurts man this is not comfortable
it’s not comfortable
yeah brian was
right with me
and i decided then there and then i
would never do a
standing show
again i never do
standing shows i take less
money or i wind
up doing two shows because seated is just a better show
and we caught a
promoter lying
about the standing room sometimes in some of the
house of blues they’ll have
standing room but they tell you
about it and we’re
allowing them to sell x amount of
standing tickets but i know that
that’s what it is and people know when they’re going
but this one
place in dc we caught the
promoter trying some
sneaky shit what place
i don’t remember it was actually a theater
some theater in down
dc or virginia
and my agent
my road manager club sort of
kenny caught them and then my
agent fucking jumped on live nation it was like a
local live nation
thing and ooh
did we make him pay for a late show
ooh he fucked him good
the canyon club is the last
place that fuck me the canyon club in gory hills
we had a very specific
language in the contract that we’re not supposed to be
standing people
and i went there
with people
stand there’s so many fucking people
standing there
and they’re like well we always do this for every show
you know the
you read the contract
motherfucker you know what it’s supposed to be
other comics don’t have a problem with people
standing like
so i just did it we had a
fucking x amount of people this is how many it will fit
and we made them flip
into a late show we didn’t know they were making people
they would just
cut the line outside and said you guys got to come
back to a late show i didn’t know they were doing that
we made them actually pay me for a
second show because
we were so mad i’m like i don’t want my fans standing
they told us that
a bunch of people just ran up and bought tickets
i’m like well then we’ll do two shows i’m not
gonna do that good for you yeah it’s
annoying standing
stand up for not
standing up yeah yeah
next person
who’s got it who’s gets it okay
how do you guys know you’re so organized
this is the politest little audience ever
hey joe hey
kind of bringing it back to the flotation tanks
again i know you’ve mentioned a place called
float lab i was checking them out online
they’re in venice the float labs in venice
have you actually been in one of
those tanks yeah i have one of those in my house
yeah do you have the ones with the
screen i don’t understand no no
no i’m not into that what is that for all the
water would leak out sir no he’s got
what he’s referring to the guy who is the designer of
the tanks at float lab
has this invention
it’s a screen where you can watch documentaries
while you’re floating
and there’s
speakers that are under the water
and you can the sound apparently
the sound wise is supposed to be incredible
he has these speakers rigged up
and apparently you feel the vibration of the
sound through your entire body because you’re
underwater but i’m not i’m not into that i’m trying to
escape from all input
i don’t want to cut out most input and then
throw in something that’s going to be magnified
you know but the idea is that you
could learn much better when you’re in the tank you
could learn languages
and all kinds of shit like that and
then you might as well just sit in your bathtub and
watch tv then
yeah that’s good
point you know what i mean that’s
defeating the
number well
because you’re weightless your body’s weightless
in there and the idea is that you’re not like
even when you’re sitting there watching a
movie like sometimes like damn my butt’s numb and you
gotta like move your butt
to the side or something like that you know what i mean
it’s like you’re dealing with a
bunch of different
a bunch of different
sensory inputs into your brain you
get out of the tank or you just piss
no i don’t piss in there i piss
right before i go in
i get out but
i don’t jerk off in there either but i want to
that’s when i know i should get out of the tank when i
start thinking i should just beat off right now
that’s when it’s time to get out i’ve
clearly lost my touch with the universe sure
if your penis
is brought it right back around to my dick
you know that’s the valve
the valve of the id
i’d be afraid of getting salt in my asshole
yeah it feels good
does it really feels good in your cleansing too
yeah it’s good yeah
chips away the rust
also brian i was wondering if you ever
ended up trying out the flotation
no he keeps on offering but
he’s scared
i’m not scared i know
i just i i’ve talked to so many people that i
think that have tried it that i feel like i
would be exactly like that person
where what do you think
where i think i’ll lay there i don’t think i’m gonna be
tripping i think i’ll be relaxed but i don’t think i’m
you know sees fucking
jesus or anything like that you don’t always see jesus
it takes a long time but for
relaxing i’m fine just laying around fucking
i’m bad you say that dude
but it’s weightlessness
it’s really if if you could take
it in a pill form what it does to you in the tank
it would be fucking credible
if you could take a pill
and you’re like
holy shit it’s kicking in i
gotta lie down
i gotta lie down
oh my god i’m flying through fucking space
i can’t feel my body
i have no attachment to any input
oh my god i’m detached
to the universe
you’re untethered your
brain becomes untethered to the
whole world
that’s not just
lying down man yeah but mushrooms is
cheaper and you
could do it with a girl
mushrooms are
great nothing
wrong with mushrooms it’s a different
experience though to be
completely removed from your body in the tank
it’s something different yeah
it’s very natural and it’s really good for you
you get out of there you feel good like you feel like
energized and
charged it releases
an incredible amount of muscle tension that you
carry around with you
because just
standing there
just having posture
your muscles are constantly
moving and working just to keep your
spine erect
but when you get in there it’s just
you let everything go and you flying
and once your
brain gets the
first thing that happens is you
start wanting to itch
things you start
thinking my balls itch i
should itch my balls
with them and get salt on them it’ll be more itchy you
start thinking weird shit
and it’s really your
brain is giving you
busy work because it can’t believe it has nothing to do
your mind can’t believe i don’t have
to move anything i don’t feel it i’m not processing any
input nothing
because once you
completely center and stop moving
you really lose the feeling of the
water really
rapidly because in the
first 5 10 minutes you don’t even feel the
water anymore
especially once you get good at it and
you become conditioned to the kind of experience
i recommend it for everybody man it’s
great for self analysis
it’s the most amazing
thing about it
self analysis and
relaxation it’s fucking
tremendous thanks
you’re welcome
who else one day i
might try it i’m just
come on over tomorrow fucker
i’m not going to do yours i don’t
trust your scary
i don’t come in it and why that
you’d be afraid of laying there in a lily pad
floats on your
cheek yeah yeah
you’re a wise man
because my loads will drag you down into the plumbing
they’ll find you once
again there he is hold on
stay inert until he gets in
it’s convenient
that saltwater to you know yeah it’s all nice and white
who’s talking about
tripping balls
it’s important to note the guy from the salvia
youtube videos is sitting in the crowd right now famous
tripper but also do you wait which one which video
he’s talking about you buddy with the hat
no who i made a play
which guy he’s from our message
board remember the guy that’s
doing salvia while he’s driving
and who was doing salvia while they were driving
you you did salve
it’s a funny
video you gotta check it out if you go into google
what’s the keyword for it
hold give that man a microphone
i was hoping you were the guy
fucking because nobody can hear what is it i was hoping
you were the guy from the fucking lizard one in the
closet oh no cups
what happens
me and him have a
sketch group called let’s go to
class and we did a web
series called
being productive on salvia
i love it already
you haven’t
you definitely have seen this no i have not
that’s ridiculous
that there’s a
thousand times on your message
where it’s hilarious friday friday
i’ve seen that fun fun
fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun we so
excited somebody did the tonight show with her tonight
well really tonight show she was on tonight
wow what’s that like
she was nice she’s so
poor little girls getting torn apart
fourteen it’s like she was eighteen i’d be i’d fucking
be murdering her but she’s like fourteen i was like
a little kid with a bad song
but it’s fascinating yes so bad it’s good though
yes not my favorite
i’m sorry so
you you have
videos where
you it’s called your your your
sketch group is called
uh let’s go to
class and if you
search for driving on salvia it’ll
uh it’ll show up and i i’m really smoking i was also on
you really smoking you
still on driving oh yeah
am i still on it
no i said you
still are smoking i meant
as in hot but it bombed horribly so i just sounded
i just sounded gay
you were driving around
while you’re smoking
i know it’s like
it was a totally
controlled scenario
i didn’t actually have the keys in my hand but the
point is that
like i’m like a host and i’m doing it very politely
i’m talking to the camera and i set up this agenda
that we’re gonna
accomplish and then i go and then
first let’s take a hit of our salvia and then i
smoke it and
it’s fucking hilarious and within
seconds i’m gone what people
don’t know is that salvia is like a hundred times more
crazy than marijuana and you can buy it almost
every state in the country
yeah it’s a
super powerful
psychedelic one of the most
powerful but
when they had that
sweeping legislation that
they passed in the 1970 or whatever the fuck it was
when they made
everything illegal
they missed that one
you know some of my
videos were played in court
you know what
else they missed five methoxy dimethyltryptamine
which is way more
powerful than regular dmt
and you could buy it online
how about that
used to be able to buy it online now i
think it’s illegal
now it’s illegal yeah
did anno but i did it in my
house and he almost died
i thought wasn’t sure what was going on
did you guys also make the the
video where you two are sharing a girl having sex with
and oh yeah
the foursome yeah for there’s another fucking hilarious
video they make hilarious videos
so check them out
thanks guys
we’ll pump you guys up
the what all
right give me that
microphone back to the
thank you you know what really gets me high
helping people
no that guy
pass it back yeah to the guy behind you there you go
sorry buddy
that was pretty much it also i thought it was
classic for the
folks at home that you were
drinking greedily out of a box
while talking
about golden showers
oh yeah greedily
did i can fuck it i can
watch a beheading video
while eating lasagna
next me and doug stanhope made a
right after the
first beheading video he was so pissed off at
verizon dsl i remember
that beheading video just to send him
up with a pan right cooking he’s like
yeah if you don’t turn my dsl back on i’m
gonna hit this guy over the head with a cookie pan
it’s pretty funny
yeah i was curious this is for joe like i know you have
certain like conspiracy theories
talk about you know
crazy alex joe and stuff i’m curious how much
black helicopters do you believe in it how much do you
think it’s just we don’t know
how much do you well you know
stocking put into it when you
start believing anything man you know
reality itself
is very fucking strange
i mean who knows what this is
you know we’re all doing it
we’re all accepting it but if this wasn’t our reality
and we were somehow
under thrust into this
world we would feel very uncomfortable we
would feel very fucked up i mean this
reality itself
is very strange we don’t know exactly what it is
we don’t even
understand consciousness
we don’t know what
is your brain a
vessel for consciousness is it a
radio for consciousness
is consciousness non
local is it
we don’t know what the fuck life is
we don’t know what the fuck happens to us when we sleep
so i think it’s
silly whenever someone says
i believe in ufos i believe lee harvey oswald acted
alone i believe this
you can think about it
but if you went
drawing a conclusion
about things like ufos or
things where there’s no
proof it’s like
who knows man
and conspiracy theories
here’s the problem with conspiracy theories
some of them are real
hundred percent there’s no question
about it when you see
that the men who used to work for the sec
and the people that used to
you know oversee
financial institutions
make sure they’re not doing fucked up
things and then
these people
leave that organization and go work for banks
and get these
giant fucking
crazy cushy jobs
that’s a conspiracy
when you hear about
any of the shit that happened
you know with
operation northwoods or with
all the shit they
tried to do with
during the kennedys
administration
with like the bay of pigs and there’s
a lot of conspiracies that are real there’s a lot of
real things
where people conspire to make something happen
but when you
start labeling
things conspiracy theories
what happens is all of a
sudden they get labeled
as something that only a
silly person
would think
about or entertain
and that’s when it gets really weird
it’s like if
you tell people that
you believe in ufos you automatically get put into some
silly little category
you know why i find
conspiracy theories get
labeled that
way and i’ve argued with enough conspiracy theorists
is because when i’m
thinking of something whether it was not 11 or kennedy
i’m not married to the outcome
like i’m not married
jim norton is
not tied in with oswald being the lone assassin
so when somebody gives me a fact that i
think is interesting i really do process it logically
and when i hear
other people not processing facts
like that because they’re involved in the conspiracy
and i think they’re full of shit like
when i see them looking past
things that really do make sense
to get to the one little
minutiae of a
point that could somehow allude to
their theory being true
then i find them full of shit
and that’s happened
whenever i’ve talked
about 9 11 or the kennedy
assassination i’ve
tried to have conversations with people
and i hear them just being irrational and i don’t
think i’m being irrational so that’s why i’ve lost
those are the two big ones
right 9 11 and
the kennedy assassination are the two big ones
yeah the ones
that people get emotionally invested and sometimes
i know people that have had they’ve
dedicated entire
chunks of their life
like the alex
jones dude and i know a
bunch of people that work for alex jones
jason the guy who did the
loose change documentaries
sure those fucking guys are invested in it man
here’s a perfect example
there was a guy
jose escamelia
or something like that i don’t remember his name
but he was the guy that was making
videos about rods
do you remember rods
if nobody remembers
there’s a fucking guy that had all
these ufo rods and roswell rods
and apparently
what they did was they were filming in mexico
and they captured these
things on high
speed video
and they’re flying through the air
and what they said it looks like a squid
but it’s moving
so fast you can only capture it on camera
and then you have to review the camera to find
these rods this
motherfucker dedicated
decades to this shit and
mythbusters are not mythbusters but monster
was that show
monster quest
monster quest
cracked it figured out what it is
it’s just a bug
in front of the camera
and it’s a video artifact
where the video camera can’t pick up the
speed of the bug’s too
close and it’s moving too quickly
so it stretches the
image of the bug out to try to capture it
it’s just a
video artifact
they had two cameras
that were filming the
exact same thing
one of them was like this
super high speed high tech camera
and the other one is a
standard camera
and their standard camera
would create these rods
these roswell rods
this poor fuck
like dedicated his
whole life to nonsense
and he still
doesn’t admit it he
still got the website up
because he’s
married to the idea exactly and he cannot let it
and that’s the problem with most conspiracy theorists
is they become
it was like the
loose change guy like at
first they said no
plane hit the pentagon
no no no it was a missile
and now he’s saying well it was a plane but
i think he’s
changed they
allow themselves
a million mistakes and a million changes to fit
their theory
but if they find one
minor inconsistency
in the testimony of a
dallas cop all of a
sudden it proves
conspiracy they’re just
completely irrational
i think yeah well
there’s both ways of looking at it for sure you know
because i bought into this
right i bought
into the oswald i bought into the kennedy conspiracy
completely i
completely was a conspiracy theorist
and then i continued to read
things and fuck
it just became harder and harder for me to buy it
and i just began to believe oswald was the loan
i changed my opinion
almost against my will to do so
that’s interesting
that’s the one to me that seems pretty carved in stone
i mean i’m not i’m open to the idea that i as well
as well that actually pulled
it off on his own but so many fucking people said they
heard shots so many of
those people
that were witnesses died in strange accidents
i mean there’s the the fact that the warren commission
had to come up with this single bullet theory in the
first place the only reason why
they did that was because they had to account for this
third bullet
because it hit an
underpass and chipped
off a chunk of the curbstone
and ricochet and hit this fucking guy in the head
he got hit by that
ricochet so they had to
count for a
third bullet
so they said okay
well it must
been one bullet that did all this damage to
these two people
there’s never been a bullet ever that’s ever been
fired into any fucking
bone that came out looking like that bullet it’s
ridiculous that
that bullet they
found it on the gurney when they
brought connolly into the hospital just so conveniently
it’s nonsense it’s
silly there’s a lot of that
story that absolutely
reeks of deception
there’s a lot of it that reeks
of manipulation a lot of it that reeks of conspiracy
so absolutely i mean and i can’t explain the single
bullet theory 100
i do know that when you watch jfk
and they show like how
could this bullet make a
right turn and go down
they’re being dishonest because kennedy was on a
he was more towards
the middle i
was on a raised seat
there’s like
things that they make
the single bullet theory seem
completely ridiculous
what oswald was a terrible shot
he wasn’t he was a
sharpshooter he wasn’t a terrible shot
really yes i read that a
bunch of different
places yes it’s a myth in the military he was an
expert and he was a
sharpshooter he tested
extraordinarily good shot
really yeah
that’s interesting and they feel that that shot has
never been no
he’s such a good
sharpshooter that he could
shoot a guy from behind and make his head go like this
but there’s actually that’s
but that’s all that’s actually to a few i’ve seen
a photo of kennedy
when that bullet
first hits there’s a
photo invincible
dosey who prosecuted manson
wrote a book
it’s the book
about the jfk assassination
and you see the
photo like in
photo negative
and kennedy’s head is leaning forward
and the stuff is coming out forward and it’s
not you’ve seen the
photo it’s a
picture that
the conspiracy
theorists don’t show you
and that shot has been reenacted
many times and one guy
i think there’s a
specialist named miller i could be
wrong actually improved on the time with the same gun
there’s all
these weird
things that have been done that
the conspiracy theorists just don’t look at
and i’m saying i
think i’m not
saying that i
think that it
couldn’t be done that you couldn’t
shoot a guy
from that i mean you look people have pulled off
extraordinary shots as
an army sniper or us
military sniper
that killed
two guys with one bullet at like a mile away recently
you know which is pretty fucking incredible
things have been pulled off but
i don’t buy that guy but
being by himself back
into the left yeah back
they did throw that in and jfk man but there was
it was oswald
was certainly up there i mean there was the
same i think the same guy that caught the ruby shooting
who caught oswald getting shot
i believe was in dearly plaza and actually saw
him in the window and saw the
rifle and thought he was
secret service and regretted not
photographing it
that’s who knows
who knows what the fuck they really saw
you know that gets into
weird hearsay
sort of shit but there were guys in the
floor below
oswald that
heard fucking
that heard the shell
casings hitting the
floor there’s also
people that whenever
there’s a fucking reporter around there i heard it
he’s the man for sure i was hard
let me tell
you something
about when i was
doing a show called
game show in my head
and this really soured me
on people’s evidence and people
giving testimony
we did this
thing with game
show in my head was a show that we did for cbs where
we would show up
with a contestant we
would say okay here’s what you got to do
there’s hidden cameras
everywhere we
would say here’s what you
gotta do you
gotta find somebody you are a
reporter for a
local news station
there’s an event that just happened
a ufo was spotted
right here and you have to go find someone
that’s willing to go on air
and say that they were
taken aboard this ufo
and no matter any
what whatever way you get to
manipulate them this is what you know this is what you
gotta do so
these people
would run up to people
and say listen here’s the deal man there was this
thing this is ufo was here
and we brought the film crew
but by the time we brought
the film crew here the guy was the witness took off
would you be willing to say that you had seen this ufo
and these fucking people all did it like that
it was crazy
like they turned the camera on them they go okay you
ready okay we’re live here in hollywood
on hollywood boulevard with this man martin
blah blah blah blah blah
so martin you were
taken aboard this ufo
yeah man it came down
and there was a
light and the
light was it was a bright silver
craft it was rotating
white guy you just
start fucking talking yeah
yeah he’s a wigger
i think he’s a rapper a
white rapper
yeah it’s um
it’s amazing how full of shit people are
it’s incredible
people are full of shit and
they love to tell stories
so it’s very hard to
listen to eyewitness
stories about anything
just the amount of people you’d have to corrupt
i just don’t believe to do what
to pull off a conspiracy
abu ghraib couldn’t be kept a secret
yeah but that’s just because
they got a hold of photos
how many abu
ghraibs have been in the past
where they did keep it a
secret probably a fuck load
probably a fuck load because don’t forget new
photos that just came out in afghanistan
of new bodies
where there’s people fucking holding
bodies and taking
pictures with them and
one of them was some guy that was seller palance
they’re family friends for 20 years
this guy’s holding someone by the hair that’s all right
obama was friend with william heirs
everybody has shitty friends
i mean when you’re
a politician we all have shitty friends well i’m
not saying there’s anything
wrong with that but you know i think
people have been doing that forever
i think there’s a lot of conspiracies that are real
there might
be and i’m not saying
i honestly think that there are how
about the gulf of tonkin
i guess that i don’t know from about that i mean i know
it was a big conspiracy and it was a problem okay
i don’t i don’t i don’t know the
more they’ve made up a it’s a fake attack
yeah i don’t know
about it was that just one guy saying hey i got an idea
we could do this in the
other ones like yeah
what are you talking
about that’s retarded but they had to just
write it down anyway because
you know like
is that an actual like
which one the golf autonomy yeah
yeah no it’s a military idea yeah
i had a way to get 50
million ideas you know
what they did with operation
northwards is
they were trying to figure out a way to get people into
that would be enthusiastic
about going to war with cuba
nobody wanted to go to war with cuba
so they decided they were
going to fake attacks on american
civilians and even they were
going to lob mortars on guantanamo bay they were
going to arm cuban
friendlies they were
going to attack guantanamo bay so we would have
well now we got to go over there and attack cuba
this is like they were
going to sacrifice american lives they were
going to blow up a
drone jet liner
and they were
going to blame it on cuba
this is all written shit yeah
what i’m saying is did they write
at this idea or some
guy that worked in
the military thought of this idea and then like an hour
later like yeah
that’s probably not a good idea and just had to put
it in the record and it was
vetoed by kennedy it was assigned by the joint
chiefs of staff and it was
vetoed by kennedy a
bunch of people talked
about it and they
drafted this proposal
this was like
a real idea that they had that’s how little they care
about human life and
about they wanna do what they
wanna do and if
they wanted to go to war with cuba for whatever fucking
crazy reason
who knows what it is
when you see this shit
happen in libya
and you see all
these different
things that are happening overseas
do you get skeptical do you go
who the fuck is
why are all
these different
dictators getting overthrown at the same time
why are all
these people rising up are they really being
motivated by all
these other successful
rebellions or is this a part of some fucking
sneaky black ops shit
i think it’s
motivation because
when egypt was happening
everybody said if mubarak leaves
yemen all these
other you know
and then they saw it worked
if you see something works
you do it then everybody gets a little bit more balls
you know what i mean if mubarak
had just opened fire and killed all
those people
then no other country
would have done it because they
would have been scared i
have no time to pay attention to this shit
i think that’s what
i was paying attention
these fucking banana republics
these wacky
dictators and
their fucking
military outfit i have no time
there’s not enough time in the day
pay attention
these nutty
motherfuckers on another part of the planet that’s
backwards and
it’s basically they’re the townies of the
world you know
that’s what they are that’s what
the middle east is that’s where
civilization was created
you know i do joe when i want to
laugh i just read betel valley
comics oh i laugh
there’s nothing funnier than the fun
check out ziggy
you like it
what are the fucking what about
yanked out of newspapers they’re fucking
does anybody ever laughed
at family circus i
would only enjoy that
if like john list was the father
good topic of you
know bailey
guy who murdered his family
twenty six years ago
are we done
should we go home
we probably
should yeah
if anybody has one more
pressing question
we’ll take it so we can end this fucker strong
you sir do you do you ready
he’s ready get that
motherfucker a
microphone he’s
gonna bring this home for us by the way
we’re sponsored by
flashlight yeah
we’re sponsored by the
flashlight if you go to joebrogan
net and enter in the code
name brogan you get 15
off and if you want to buy this yeah
i’m sorry i mean
i didn’t mean to fucking step on your applause what a
self centered asshole i am
my cd is on itunes despicable
hilarious it’s hilarious i’ve been listening
to it all the way over here and
jimmy actually
influenced me
really recently i went to see him in austin
and i’ve been telling everybody this and
after i saw you
i think you did like 50 minutes
maybe 55 minutes
you fucking destroyed
and i’m like you know what i
gotta stop doing
these long ass sets
i was doing like
these hour and a half sets
where i’d have
these like question answers with the crowds
and a lot of it was good you know and people
like the free balling and just talking to people and
stuff like that
but a lot of it is like god damn this
is taking forever and everyone’s sort of kidnapped and
they don’t want to
leave and be rude and
i decided that i
would start doing
shorter sets i do i’ve been doing like an hour
i do about an
hour i’m comfortable doing an hour like i always ask
kenny when i come off
longest it goes an hour and ten hour nine
it’s always in that area between 58 an hour and nine i
tried bill byrne and i were talking
about that today
just and you know just
smash it rss
an hour it’s over
yeah rss feeds
for life stitcher in the
house okay your
question sir
yeah no no no
pressure this is the last question of the evening
of our first ever live podcast
by the way you guys were fucking fantastic
you guys rule
greatest crowd we
could have ever hoped for
we sold this
place out in ten minutes
you’re building up this question even more
yeah i know i’m trying to
put a lot of
pressure on this one go
and i think that joe
should be given a
round of applause
because of really his choice of guests
i’m so happy we got you on man
i wanted to have
jimmy on since we
started you know i texted joe i’m like
could we do a podcast he’s like yeah we’ll just
hook it up and here it is yeah it’s beautiful that we
could do this
so what’s up buddy
you ready yeah sure
all right you know joe i’ve always wondered
you got a favorite weed
a favorite weed favorite i like
train wreck
yeah the train
wreck yeah just
cause it’s so aptly name and
it’s what i like most
about pot is
it sounds silly but i like
the terrifying
feeling that nothing makes sense
and a lot of people
call it paranoia
but i call it
hyper awareness
because you really are a fucking bag of skin and
blood on a rock that’s flying through the universe
surrounding a
giant nuclear explosion and
trainwreck makes me realize that
every single time
and that’s why
it gives me
a sense of humility
it humbles me and it makes me
it makes me
aware of my mortality
and the temporary nature of the world
and you just got
two three hits in that’s all you need
the end thank you very much for coming you guys
fucking rule
this is a tremendous
success for us
creatively we will
definitely be doing it again
thank you very much
kevin smith for taking care of us and
hooking us up in your spot
thank you brian redband follow him on twitter r e
d b a n follow jim norton
j i m n o r
t o n we love you bitches take care bye bye thanks