The Joe Rogan Experience #99 - Tom Segura

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the joe rogan experience

ladies and gentlemen before we even get started

our last podcast sucked

i’m gonna be honest with you

yeah that was nervous it

sucked so much that

after it was over i was like you know what

we might have lost a bunch of listeners

cause if i had just turned in this thing the first time

i’d be like what is this nonsense

nonsense fucking mish mash of of dumb talk

this is what we did

our friend daryl

was supposed to

be over the podcast and daryl’s an interesting guy he’s

a guy went to jail for

shooting a crackhead

and now he’s out there on the

grind as a stand up

comic and he’s a

young guy and i like

i like very

funny guy very

funny guy and i like interviewing

young guys that are coming

up and i just want to see what it’s like you know

i mean i i i

enjoy the stories i

enjoy like you know hearing about them

you know out there trying to get something together

there was a little bit

self defeating but

he’s a good guy and he’s

funny yeah he’s very funny

stand up comic

and he brought over his friend

and unfortunately i don’t

think his friend had ever done a podcast before

his friend didn’t know that he was

gonna do this one

and he went into like

performance on

stage get a

laugh mode or something

oh really like running bits kind of

thing well he was like

he was like

in the beginning it was like trying to like like

be like edgy

and like angry at

things that didn’t make any

sense like people asking him for

money and get on a bus and was like

it was this

weird thing

where like here’s what kills me man he just was like

it just did not work and

brian and i were high as fuck

and they were sober

and it was like this dumb talk

and then trying to like

smooth it off like hey hey everybody relax

and you know it was like an

inner monologue his

inner monologue didn’t work anything

he would normally

thought of when people were talking he was like in the

background going

because you always

remember saying

something so i had to turn down his

microphone half the time i don’t think he

understood how podcasts work and you know people think

when they do a podcast they

think like they have to get something in

you know it’s

like when you do it you like if you’re not

i’m not heard

i’m not doing my part

i’m gonna get my

stuff in i’m

gonna get my stuff in

i mean how many times have you ever done

radio with a

comic and they just like so like

it’s such a fake conversation

cause they’re just trying to shove in

their bits and

pretend they just notice

things and it’s like fucking kind of

gross that actually makes me shut down more too oh yeah

then i just kind of sit there and they’re like are you

gonna talk i’m like not really no

no this is already

a disaster yeah and that i almost felt like doing that

on the last podcast

and brian’s a good guy don’t don’t get me

wrong he just he wasn’t

ready for it and didn’t know he was

gonna do it yeah probably

doesn’t know the vibe of the podcast

and you know

just wanted to

just wanted to do well you know

and unfortunately

this was a cluster fuck

first of all four people on a podcast is

tough action anyway yeah

you know you have to have

the fourth person has to be very good at not chiming in

like i listen

to opie and anthony a lot i love opie and anthony but

sometimes they’ll have like five or six dudes in there

and it becomes a disaster

it becomes like

comics stepping on

comics and talking in the middle of

punch lines and

inserting their own

punch lines into someone else’s

story that’s when you pretty much have to just

play with the

microphones and go alright this person’s talking this

you know that’s what i had to do it was

it well you had to do it too because he

would talk like

while other people were talking

it was real

weird i cannot wait to listen to

he’s a good dude

he’s a good dude

so what would you do how

would you handle that you would be like hey man

i would be like if i was talking try to talk

right now so i would be like so

anyways i was talking anyways and then

yeah that’s what i call your microphone

brian’s got the master switch back

there bro i just had to oh i had

i had i was

listening and i was getting fucking heart palpitations

because it was too many people talking yeah

the stepping on yeah i had to tell them

i had to tell them you guys can’t talk over each

other like it was

wasn’t that good podcast and you know unfortunately it

could have been really interesting if

brian came excuse me if

daryl came by himself

cause daryl stories of a prisoner fucking weird man

you know i mean that guy stories

about everything yeah

that guy has some stories and it would it

could have been real interesting and i couldn’t get

him to get comfortable because his friend was sort of

it was just a

it was a big cluster fuck

so i apologize to anybody and i

normally i’m very good at controlling who comes on

you know i mean we’ve taken

a few chances before with

young comics like

little esther and

allison and allison and then we went

great it was fine

you know it’s it’s just

i just thought this kids trying to be a comic too

yeah he’s out

there doing it like fucking give him a shit

give him a shot sit

down maybe he’s cool

maybe he’s interesting yeah

just didn’t work out it’s probably just

nerves too right i mean

i could see someone

being really nervous

yeah it was a

bunch of shit

wasn’t prepared

he didn’t think he was

gonna do it all of a

sudden he’s doing it nerves

and maybe he’s not the

right kind of

comic for a podcast anyway

i mean you know there’s a lot of dudes who

like first of all you

wouldn’t want to see behind the curtain

you don’t want to see that like steven wright

would you want to see steven wright sit down and talk

about things no

who’d ruin his

whole act yeah

wouldn’t it yeah

it would totally ruin his

whole act because his whole

act is just weirdo

who thinks he’s strange

things yeah

it’s like when

you see have you talked to gilbert godfrey off stage

yeah and you’re like what

like he’s the

sweetest like oh really is he really

oh that’s funny

because when he does

stern he does

he’s gilbert

god he’s in he’s in character yeah he

never breaks

character ever yeah backstage though he’s just like

that’s very

sweet of you and i

really i’m looking

forward to doing that you’re like whoa really

like so he is the fucking

thing about cunts and then

you’re like what

it is a hundred

eighty degrees away from that complete opposite when

yeah when he gets up there man he’s such a strange act

you know bizarre

and hasn’t like he’s

never i don’t

think he’s ever

dropped that

you know facade

whatever a character

in front of anybody i mean

i’ve seen him on

television for what

twenty years or something more

yeah and like it’s never

and then i did caroline’s one time and he was

backstage and i was like oh i’m

sorry he’s like oh no that’s fine

like would you like something to

drink and i was like sure

like staring like

so so you’re normal

yeah and he was like i

think he was his wife was

about to have or the


about to have a baby

oh i’m sorry

you know what’s real

weird dude um

is when you get

comics like that and they become their act

you know like that happened with kinesin

that happened with dice

you know a lot of people don’t we’re

gonna try to get dice in the podcast i’m a big dice fan

i know dice from way back

but at one point in time

that dice man character was only a part of his act

his act was

he was andrew silverstein

and he would go on

stage and do all

these characters and then

the dice man was one of his characters that he would do

i had no idea he

would do a john travolta

impression he does a killer john travolta

impression he

does killer


so anyway he

would do this

and then he

would do his dice character but the dice character got

crushing laughs

and so he just

dropped everything else

fucked it fucked

everything off

put everything else aside

and just went straight dice man

and then he

sort of became that guy then like

when you see him he’s always wearing like this

crazy leather jacket

with like studs in it yeah yeah

fucking weightlifting

gloves i mean he is that guy

and talks like yeah fuck that shit know what

he gave me good advice man he was the

first guy you

should do the road

should do the road

like okay thank you yes yeah because you’re a good act

you should all be

dead doing the road

you sell five

t shirts each one yeah that’s

what he told me

we’re hanging out at the improv

this is hilarious he goes

yeah i sell

t shirts now

you know what i do

i auction them

i make them

i make them auction at the end

he goes and i have them up there

i might have ten

shirts that’s it

oh it was just

two thousand people

sorry ten shirts

how much you

wanna give me for we got an auction

yeah he goes i sell shirts a thousand

thousand and five hundred for a fucking

shirt i love it

he loves his laughing

he was doing shows where he would charge

at least a hundred dollars a ticket

yeah i heard about it at a comedy club

and sell them out

you know and it’s like i don’t

wanna do no big fucking room

it goes i do like this i make my money

that’s awesome a hundred dollars a

ticket to go to a club to see that that’s amazing it’s

worth it yeah i would go

if yeah if i had

the cash yeah if i had the cash and it was a hot date

you know taking some

check out i’m

gonna pay a hundred

bucks for dice tickets

dice and having a

great time yeah

he did it the

punchline atlanta i know he did it a few

other places too that is yeah

what’s his name also did that with the act though

right the persona was larry

because he was dan whitney

larry the cable guy he

would just do phone ins

right that was just the

phone in thing and then

he became his act and then he

started like five stations were like call in every week

as this cable guy

thing and he was like alright you do

here’s the fucking

thing about when he

doesn’t curse

right right

here’s the thing

about that yeah

and then in get her done and all that shit

and then they’re like keep keep calling in with that

every week and it just

build build

build he was like i’m just

gonna go on

stage like that and then

i think foxworthy

took him to be his opening act

really yeah jeff

oxford was like you can you be my opening act

and then everybody at that show was like

we went and wore that guy

with the sleeveless

shirt i want to see him that’s

funny man you know he

by the way we have you mentioned this is tom

sagura talking

about you that’s

right we just

started talking

everyone’s like who is this you

gotta check your ipod

who is this guy talking it’s family

yeah he became that guy his name is dan whitney

right yeah yeah from oklahoma

and he came i mean there’s you can go on youtube

and look up dan whitney

and he’s like wearing

white sneakers and khakis

and like a blue button down

shirt yeah i

mean like his regular

stand it back from like the evening at the improv

yeah looks like like early on

yeah and you’re like what that’s

larry the cable

he does arenas dude he does football

arenas massive

i mean you think dice is

crazy for charging 100 a ticket

i don’t know what they charge

those arenas but it’s probably

close to that 60 minutes did a piece

on larry the cable guy

couple years ago and his manager was like look

he will not

breathe on a microphone

for less than a

quarter million dollars

what that’s his

that’s the opening what

bid for like

larry to show up and be like get

the fuck and

then your mama and your cousins

right like that

he won’t do

sal’s will do

sal’s will do

sal’s comedy he’s not

gonna be at

sal’s ron white

would do sal’s yeah

i hung out with that guy run why we do sounds

everyone says that

i mean i don’t know him but everyone says that larry

dan whatever is

super nice so you know i don’t know what he does i bet

he is but money wise that dude is

killing it man

quarter million

quarter million

every time he tells a joke

that’s incredible it’s amazing with that redneck comedy

that how popular it is the

other what’s the

other guy that does it kind of like

bill ngel and

jeff foxworthy

right yeah or the guy that the comedy

store guy that got the dodge

commercials and the

henry john reap

yeah just from doing

those those commercials for whatever

he’s been selling out just because it like a

chevy commercial

yeah no it’s hemi

the hemi commercials yeah

thing i have got a hemi in it

right yeah yeah well

he does really well in a lot of markets

john reap does he’ll sell

yeah he seems like a guy who’s not

marketed correctly

like it seems like there’s so much potential in

that like why

doesn’t that guy have some big comedy

central special

why is it he does have a special

yeah when’s it coming out

i think it already did it already did

but how come that didn’t get huge that

should be huge

that’s more the question

and i think that guy

should be more of like a well

known name yeah

yeah he’s been around a long time now yeah

so it’s quite

weird when you see like

these larry the

cable guy type

guys and not you know not many meaning to

focus entirely on him but

he’s playing a poor guy

right you know

right he’s playing

a guy you know who’s like oh i’m just simple

yeah yeah it’s not even

every man it’s

below every yeah

yeah he’s playing

poor man with

who doesn’t even have

sleeves right

you know i can’t buy a full

shirt man yeah he’s

buying he’s wearing

a shirt that has its

sleeves cut off

his armpit hairs

flowing out

i’m assuming that one ripped

and then he said well i’ll just cut them off both up

right here i don’t care i’m an easy

going guy yeah meanwhile

he won’t even tell a joke for a

less than a

quarter of a million dollars yeah yeah

it’s weird man you know numbers like this like this is

where people get into that

weird socialism argument i had a

discussion online and i had

i had to just walk away from the

the computer because it was a

ridiculous discussion

where this guy was like no one

should make

an exorbitant

amount of money ever

no matter what you do you should

never be able to make an exorbitant amount of

money because that’s

where greed comes from that’s

stupid well

his idea was that there

should be a

threshold and you couldn’t go over that threshold

so everything you did was

virtuous if you did

art you did it for the sake of art if you did

work it was because it’s your chosen

profession it’s what you love

to do and you don’t make any more than a certain amount

because when people get too much money

and too much

power it it it

it becomes out of control

and it it starts to be unfair

and that’s why people look like this

larry the cable guy

thing and you go well

this guy is doing

like he’s got to be making more than a

quarter million dollars when he does a football

arena oh yeah i bet he’s making like a half a million

probably i think you’re

right yeah i mean

he does football stadiums like 50 000 people man so

for some people that are out there

clawing and scratching

they see something like that and they

go that’s not fair that’s too much in one direction

it may move too much in that

direction that’s the argument for socialism yeah

i see that guy’s

point to a degree but it’s a very generalized

statement it’s also a very

idealistic way of viewing things

you can also argue that

having a lot of money

gives you the freedom to do

other things that you

wanna do and open new doors and opportunities

and provide opportunities for

other people

yeah will they have a lot of

trickle down economic

sure i mean

you can fund

other things you

know if you’re a guy with a lot of money

i’m really interested in

you know it

could be something from the arts it

could be from the environment it

could be science i want to fund this and you are doing

that because you’ve accumulated so much wealth right

pete johansson was on here

once and his argument was that when people get too much

money that what happens is

it breeds like a

class of elitists

it breeds like a class that

like he didn’t even believe in inheritance money

he’s like you

wouldn’t you

shouldn’t be able to get all your like if your

grandparents die and

leave you ten million

bucks you don’t get that

didn’t think she

had that that’s crazy yeah

he’s crazy but

but it’s that that

same attitude that looks at people that are doing well

and and go well this

system’s fucked up

i do think there’s something to be said

i do think there’s something to be said

about inheriting

extraordinary wealth really i do think

i mean i’m not saying there

should be a rule or law about it

but i do think

if you inherit

and i’m saying like

you inherit

50 100 million like

these really

extraordinary amounts of money

that that can

definitely and probably

do always will have an

effect of like

you may not go

after the thing that really inspires you your passion

and you might not ever get a

sense of accomplishment because

really the real

world and your

dreams and stuff are

scary in a lot of ways and

going after them can be a

scary thing

if you have the comfort of like

dude i have two hundred million dollars

that my grandfather who

started gum

or whatever you know

fucking left me

then you can

i mean you can buy a

great house

you can take

great trips you can

live on your yacht and

you can just be like dude life is awesome and that’s

great but what

would your life have been

if you had a time machine

and there was a guy that you really hated but he was

super successful

best thing you

could ever do to him and have a

clear conscience

is to make him win the lottery when he was

twenty one yeah

yeah yeah so

you just won the lottery ha ha ha

he’s like yeah man i’m a winner i just won the lottery

no you don’t

you just lost at life because you won the lottery

totally that’s the true that’s that really would

like if i look back i play the lottery a

bunch of times

when i was a kid if i

had hit it and i had actually won like a couple million

bucks or something

yeah i would have been a

loser for sure yeah

i would have missed the

whole purpose of the

whole thing

i think i think so i

think i would have totally

been a total disaster if i’m 21

yeah yeah i almost have actually i know i have more

like sympathy for a lot of

these athletes

they turn like they get

drafted and

their basketball football players

and they blow

it’s like they don’t know what the fuck is

going on man they’re

they turn twenty

and they got here’s a thirty

eight million dollar contract or whatever for you

yeah and then you hear like they blew it it’s like well

that dude has never had

more than a hundred dollars in his pocket before

he has no idea how to manage money

he has no idea what to do with money

like he’s just like everybody can have

money i got so much

money like this

but at least his

money came from something that

he did yeah

but they just don’t i mean i feel like a lot of

those athletes have no

yeah they don’t control

no and not only that

they’re you know you’re living off your body

which breaks

which breaks yeah it

breaks all the time you’re running and

bouncing around on shit falling down and

you can get hurt man they just show this uh you ever

watch real sports on hbo

sure yeah it’s really well done yeah it’s

great and they had this profile on

these football players

oh my god some of them were

in the league like thirteen years and they’re bankrupt

like no no money

all gone and the profile was financial

and they i mean he’s got one of the guys was a

like a defensive tackle for i don’t know how many teams

just had multiple

million dollar contracts

we know the

other issue is

those guys getting concussions

all the time that is terrible for your your ability to

think yeah your ability to make rational decisions and

you know concussions like they just did this one

thing on real

sports where they were talking

about lou gehrig’s disease

well apparently lou

garrick had been

knocked out like a gang at times like he

lou gehrig’s disease you say well it’s just some

weird disease that this poor guy got

you know he was a baseball player and they

loved him so they

named it after him

no he didn’t just get it

he got it from playing

sports he got it from getting hit with pitches

and colliding

with people sliding into bases and getting knocked

unconscious oh yeah he got

knocked unconscious like a gang at times and

he would just go

right back into the game

and that’s where lou gehrig’s disease come from

when you have any sort of

when you have like

some severe brain

trauma when

your brain rattles around you get knocked

unconscious apparently

what it does is it produces like

whatever the fuck

it does it eventually leads to a deterioration to the

point where your

whole body like shakes

and you don’t have control of

things and your body just stops functioning

right it just

breaks down

and which would happen in lou

garing that’s actually what stephen

hawking says

really yeah he is

hawking yeah he has lou gehrig’s disease

but it doesn’t

does it can it be hereditary

does yeah it

could but they don’t know i mean he

actually was a boxer when he was younger too

there was a

lot of soccer

or did he play soccer one of

those soccer

is actually very bad he was a boxer if i was a boxer he

might have been a boxer

but it could have been from that and it

could have also been from soccer

yeah people forget

like they don’t

think of soccer like you can get

crushed in soccer they run into each

other a lot and they

all say they’re in the head sometimes you know

that ball the impact over and over again of

using your head on the ball

it seems like nothing

cause it’s just a ball but apparently

over time you know

they’re practicing that all the time and

they that had your heads a fucking weapon

you you’re taking shots man you getting tagged you know

i think in luke eric’s era like

there was no

batting helmets either you had

this leather

stupid hat you would wear

looking at yeah

it’s just like

ninety miles an hour you know

every ball had

a rock in the center of it tied around with a rope

you know that’s

incredible yeah

i mean what are

those fucking baseballs made out of

it’s a ball of of

of string what do you

think of that nfl argument they said

like when this

stuff when they really profiled it this year

a lot you know all the people were leading with the

crown it’s called

right the top of your head

right and so

people were like that is like a fucking missile

come yeah it’s a guy who runs like a four

three who weighs like two

twenty five going

and then just launching it into you

so like what can we do what can we do

and a bunch of people were like why don’t we go back to

like 1940 style

no face mask

no face mask that way

you will have

the incentive

is there like

the fear of like that’s how they played

right they played for years with no face mask

so you’re not

gonna risk your face

you’re gonna tackle the way you’re supposed to tackle

right and not

ruin your entire face it’s football is a tricky

thing man because you can’t un brutalitize it

right i mean i mean it’s a brutal fucking game

yeah these guys are huge the biggest

scariest athletes in the

world they’re running

full clip at each

other and smashing into each

other that’s just inherently violent yeah that’s true

it’s like what are you

gonna do you

gonna make it

slightly less violent by them not having a face cage

or you know or i’ve

heard the argument too that they

should be playing without helmets like rugby

players yeah

in a rugby player rugby is

apparently less dangerous

but the problem with that is once you already

start playing with helmets on

there’s a style of play totally

this tag you

can’t you’re not

gonna change the way you play

boxers found that out when they

first started

fighting in mma

it’s harder to

fight bare knuckle

it’s trickier because when you’re boxing if you have

those padded gloves on

you can fuck

up and hit the guy on the top of the head and it

doesn’t matter it’s not

going to hurt your hands

but a good punch to the top of the head

might break your hand it’s very possible to

break your hand

when you’re

punching a guy with bare

knuckles you want to make sure you’re getting his face

you want the soft

tissue around

the face and jaw that’s in your eye his eyes his nose

his jaw’s face you don’t

wanna be hitting him up here

you can break

things and so

they had to adjust

their style

know guys had to realize that you know

you can’t have your

hands up the same way either because there’s no padding

right you can’t just block

punches like that you have to like really cover up

and you know

you have to you can’t play rope

a dope like ali

style you got

to get out of there you take too much damage with

those little

gloves on yeah

so they would have they

would have to be some sort of adjustment period but it

wouldn’t be football anymore

yeah that’s true

they took those helmets off

a lot of those boxers though they thought

they really thought that they

had it right they were like well i’ll just go in the

yeah mms dude man he’s

got no hands we’re

going in showing some hands

you don’t get a chance to show hands

guys who have

never grappled

literally have no idea how helpless they are

and the helpless feeling they get is so disheartening

cause they’re so fucking helpless

that they don’t

wanna roll that’s what happens with a lot of

strikers a lot of

strikers they get into the game

as you know they come in i’m

a four time muay thai

champion looking to fuck some people up in mma

and they’re like you’re a bad

motherfucker come on in

take our wrestling class

boom over and over again

boom there’s no way he can stay off

of his back this guy just gets launched through the air

every time a

wrestler wants to

he gets a single turns

the corner bang he’s on his back he cannot stop it

and then he goes in a jiu jitsu

class what happens there


over and over

again he’s getting manhandled guys are like taking

breaks with

their knee on the

belly relaxing

cause they have him pinned down he

bucks and kicks and moves and then just take his back

choke him and tap him four five six times

it’s humiliating

and that’s not who he is who

he is is a bad


right so there’s like a there’s a

graveyard full of

fighters that never

learned how to get over

their ego and

learn how to grapple

yeah the whole shitload of them

they just decided they’re just

gonna sprawl

i’m just gonna develop a good sprawl and i’m

never gonna really

learn jujitsu

and they just

never they never

could deal with getting tapped out

sure you know so all

these guys man

you know it’s

the whole idea of

fighting in and of itself the idea of you know

going in there and and and fucking

taking over another man with your body

you know it’s

gonna become a

point in time with that just like football it’s

gonna be too brutal

for for where we are now

yeah you know what

i mean i mean we we’re the more we find out too yeah

like the more we discover like no this is directly

correlated to that yes yeah

eventually i mean

right now they’re both great

but a thousand years from now or

whatever the next

level of humanity is

we were clearly

human beings are evolving

i mean there was an

article that i had read

just yesterday i believe it was

and it’s all about

human our dna is mutating as we

speak we’re developing

twelve strands of dna

you know there’s this there’s all sorts of fucking

crazy evidence that’s

going on right now

there’s like some

child that was born with an

extra strand of dna and it’s a terrible

birth defect poor kids all fucked up

but you know

the idea of

of evolution and the idea of mutations is that

sometimes a mutation is good and it

sticks and then

things move forward and that’s

literally how

things have gone

from being simple

organisms to being complex organisms like us

well as we get more and more complex man we’re gonna

there’s a lot of shit that we like

right now that we’re

gonna abandon

you know and football and

mma and you

know race car driving and shit

we’re gonna be like whoa whoa whoa

what the fuck are you doing

so like people

there’s that argument now like i’ve

heard people like

you know that are

upset about mma

and you know i’ve

read criticisms

about me online because i’m involved in this

oh sure but i

think in this

world that we’re living

right now in this this life in this

existence it’s okay

this so this

existence it’s not really it’s

this is what it is you know yeah

it’s not the

whole thing is

chaos it could

would it be different man if we didn’t have mma

if we didn’t have football does it make society more

aggressive and more violent

i don’t necessarily

think so i think

if anything the way we are

right now so

close to monkeys i

think it’s a release for us i

think it helps us get it out of our

system without

going to war i mean

if you look at like

human history like just

10 000 years ago is a tiny

blink of an eye

but 10 000 years ago

there was nothing but barbarians

there was nothing but

savages there was nothing i mean

we were basically cavemen

that’s just a

blink of an eye

and throughout history all the

brave heart years and all the

there’s just war man the

roman empire the

greek empire

the the the the fucking

cretes the the

the persians there’s there was so much war

going on man it was constant war yeah

and you know now

for the most part

things are pretty

civil except

weird things that we do in

other countries

where you know the wars are going on

where we ship people over there to

fight them yeah but in our society

things are like way safer

way calmer than

they’ve ever been before yeah we’re pretty

civil sophisticated

especially considering that time

gabby that you’re talking

about yeah i mean

we have a brutal

brutal history i’m saying as just

human beings

to each other

dude like the way that

just the way that that

fighting was done or even

150 years ago i mean you’re talking fucking jabbing

bayonets and the people gutting them open like

it’s just a brutal way of

like that’s not

compassion for the person you’re

fighting you know what i mean like

now it’s all

about kill shot kill shot kill shot

there was a

someone tweeted me something

about the the

the end of the

civil war was recently

and the guy said that two percent of the

population died

wow wow two percent

yeah that’s incredible

yeah that’s amazing

stop and think about that

that’s fucking nuts man yeah

and the way they died

is just so awful i mean most of

those guys got shots died and slowly bled out yeah

horrible fucking infections are taking

place and you’re not dying

it’s like i watch this

anthony bourdain

special and

not special his show that no reservation is

one of my favorite shows i love that show

and one of them he was in arkansas

they were talking

about how many murders happened

after the civil war was over

because people

would say you know they

would recognize on this

motherfucker killed my brother

because like

the north and the

south like right next door

his fucking

you know you

drive a hundred

miles there’s

where the enemy lives you know

and so these people were like

settling scores

like for years and years

afterwards i

never thought

about that yeah

they’re still

severely you would know

about it my brother died in like

greenville south carolina

or whatever and at that time they’re like there’s

there’s five hundred people or whatever you know like

you just ask questions

like yeah no shit no tony

oh yeah he’s over there

i’ll go handle that shit

what a fucking

weird war when you having a war

that’s like

north korea versus

south korea

i mean that’s a fucking

crazy place

right now man

they’re looking at each

other across this you know yeah this divide

yeah and they hate each

other and they look exactly the same yeah same people

yeah i mean

it’s nuts and one of them is run by a complete

total fucking psychopath

total maniac man

how great was that team america

that they did

did kim jong il

little fucking

you breaking my balls

you breaking my balls man my balls fucking giant

glasses on says the guy hans why you breaking my balls

you imagine

man just shitty roll the dice you’re born in

north korea oh it’s the

worst i think

about that shitty roll the dice all the time yeah

oh my god do you mean

think about even

in living in

being born in botswana right

yeah botswana

one in four people

no excuse me one in five

one in five

twenty percent of the population

is hiv positive

wow that’s insane

and you just you did nothing but just

you were born there and that’s your

you know what i’ve

heard though

when in relationship

to aids in africa you know there are always statistics

about how many people get aids in africa

that a lot of it is not even tested it’s just

their t cells hit a certain

month they don’t even test for hiv antibodies because

those tests are very expensive

and that a lot of what they call

aids is just people that are incredibly malnourished

and sick oh really so yeah and

the argument was was an

article online that

if people are

gonna call it aids and connect it to hiv

that there needs to be more stringent testing

because otherwise

you’re confusing people as to why this one area where

just coincidentally has an incredibly low

nutrition rate means people people are malnourished

that sick yeah

all sorts of

other diseases and pathogens and

you know poop

fly poop all

kinds of shit that fucks with you over there yeah and

a lot of people are really sick i mean it’s a

super unhealthy

place to be oh my god yeah

yeah it’s a malaria

everybody you know fucking malaria

larry is a little

problem got

george clooney

how about yeah

that’s right yeah we almost lost almost lost george

well if you get

lyme disease

that shit stays with you forever forever man you

never cured you

never cured

right and i don’t

think there’s a vaccine is there a vaccine for

lyme disease

i don’t think so

i think you get it you’re fucked it’s just one of

those things man

and malaria he must have had his malaria shot

right everybody gets malaria

shot before they go you have to get a

bunch of them

you can’t just get one

you have to get a few

yeah george

dave foley was on the podcast and we had a

story about dave and he didn’t even remember it because

that poor fuck when he was getting divorced

he was married to this crazy

broad who decided to take her kids all over the world

to try to torture him so when he was working

he would have to you know call bangladesh

and she was there and then he’d have to fucking fly to

egypt and she was there he’d have to

fly over the

world to meet his kids

oh my god yeah and so you had to take malaria

medication well you’re not supposed to

drink when you take malaria medication

and he took malaria

medication it

affects different people in different ways and he went

fucking loco

i think he day

fully nicest

calmest sanest guy ever like super

super sweet

i had to keep him from attacking a producer

like physically attack him i had to hold him in

place he was

going to attack somebody

and i was thinking what i was

doing like man of all the fucking people i thought that

would be stopping from hurting somebody

i was thinking

if dave wanted to hurt somebody i’d be wanting

i’d be i’d have his back you know i’d be jumping in too

yeah there’s somebody who

got dave so mad sure dave

wants to assault him

boy that guy has to be a real

piece of shit yeah he was just

whacked on a malaria

menace and you

didn’t know it at the time oh i knew yeah you did know

okay yeah i knew there was something really

wrong he was just acting

completely crazy

he took these reporters

microphone the reporter

asked him for a

quote about news

radio and he

grabbed his little tape recorder and

stuffed it into his drink

to shove it into his

drink he goes there’s your fucking

quote wow yeah

he was a fully

against that

he didn’t even has no recollection this he

might as well been

under a witch’s spell

i mean so great

he didn’t have any idea what was happening

that stuff fucking wax you out man

because i think

the way i don’t know the way malaria

vaccinations go but with most vaccinations you know

you have to you’re getting a little bit of the inner

you know disease yeah

right yeah i mean if you get

vaccinated for smallpox

i mean isn’t isn’t that how it works when you get

vaccinated for the flu

i know that’s how it works oh

all vaccinations yeah you’re

taking like a strand of that is that always the case

i believe so

for vaccinations that’s the only way that you’re

it’s tricking

your system

into developing an immunity

for it i think so yeah that’s why i like when they

would when they

would do the big

thing you know

what is it like 70 80 years ago

was polio right

right and they

would give people inadvertently

polio when giving them the vaccination sometimes yeah

sure what percentage

oh very small

but it would happen and you were taking that risk and i

guess you do

take that risk with

every vaccination

really no i don’t

think so i think

so i think that’s

why they’re filled with mercury and all sorts of

other shit really

i remember when that h1n1 vaccination

was out some

people get sick from the well they were just like

hey by the way like

right before you get it like this isn’t 100

i mean it’s up to you you want to make sure you

definitely well

no vaccination i

think is 100

but also what it does is it weakens your immune

system a bit

because it makes your immune

system fight

things off and then you’re vulnerable to

other things that aren’t protected by that vaccination

that’s also possible

the human immune

system is pretty fucking badass when you

think about it

but what’s really

weird is that

you don’t think about

what these colds really are it’s like there’s a wars

going on is like when you’re sick or calm

down on the

floor you’re

dying right

you’re in a battle to stay

alive right now because you’re losing your health

and that sniffles and coughing

it seems like

no big deal because you’ve been there before and you’re

going to be fine

but the reality is

it’s a fight

you’re having your organism is having a

fight against a team

your team is trying to take your body down yeah

it’s really

kinda creepy when you

think about

it man you know that like you can only there’s all

these strands of colds

and you only get

one of those strands each strand one time

really when you get a cold

and you get a cold like the next year

you’re getting a different strand

of that cold

really that’s

weird so you

defeat a cold

and you won’t get that cold again

but there’s

hundreds of strands

of the cold

and that’s why

there’s no like that’s why the common cold like

there is no yeah there’s hundreds of strands of that

but it’s always you know that your immune

system is compromised in the

first place

right like if

there’s a hundred people that get exposed the same

thing usually

it’s a hundred of them that get it oh yeah you’re

right yeah yeah

and a hundred

of them won’t get it it’s fascinating yeah

it totally is and i

think it’s fascinating like how

we don’t even i don’t know i

never question a lot of times what i’m taking

to fight stuff you know


oh my god antibiotic

any type of

medicine you

gotta be real

careful about antibiotics you know

do you take the full when you take them do you take

the full ride like if it says 10 days you don’t quit

after five days do you no i mean i used to but now

everybody used to

yeah i used to

yeah that’s the

worst thing you

could ever do man let’s just take the full

thing not take

it not take it not take it

yeah because that’s when those

superbacteries rise

cause just like we

fight off immune

system our immune system

fights off colds yeah

well bacteria are the same way they

fight off anti

you know um

medication is trying

to to kill them

so when you um when you

what is this the type of

medication that you give you what was it

like what we call

the zpag exactly

yeah when you have those

apparently they get used to it

right so if like if you like for five days so you

take it for five days and then at the end of five days

you like yeah fuck

these e packs man i’m feeling pretty good i don’t like

those things give me the creeps

but when you put

those aside

the stuff that didn’t die becomes like

supercharged oh and then

if you try to hit it with the z pack it’s like bitch i

have that shit

oh wow yeah it survives it yeah

so the idea of being

ten days of antibiotics is that

you know when you get through all those

things like

everything that shouldn’t be there dead yeah

and including a lot of the good

stuff good stuff yeah you can like your

your endurance is terrible when you’re on

antibiotics antibiotics

really bad man i took antibiotics because i had

staff yeah and

i was the staff was gone it was only like some little

prickly things on my legs

yeah and i was like it wasn’t like a big

issue it’s very

small but within

two three days i

would go to

the gym you know and i couldn’t do shit yeah i

couldn’t do shit i was just exhausted it was like i was

drunk like i was hungover yeah

you know just

breaks your whole

system down it fucks you up

yeah and you have to take

stuff you have to take probiotics to

counteract it you know i didn’t know that

yeah yeah that you’re supposed to you

but they’re supposed to tell you that you

should take acidopolis

you know drink yeah

drink milk eat

yogurt anything

where you have milk

culture acidove

was healthy bacteria

there’s a bunch of different kinds of healthy bacteria

dude this is the

first year in the years

where i got a cold

and i just let my body

naturally beat it like over

ten days oh really

yeah i’ve never done that

what do you usually do i go

right to the doctor like give me some pills give me

something to take

care of this

like i hate i use i had

such bad allergies as a kid like

especially as a

teenager when we

lived in florida

and i would get like

horrible sinus infections

and it makes me

just it’s so miserable

not like it’s more miserable

than anybody else’s but like i just feel so miserable

that whenever i get like some type of sinus

thing going on i’m like i

gotta cure this somehow

but this year i just

went through the

whole process and it was like i’m getting

worse i’m getting

worse i feel like shit and then

you kind of

you know you make

the turn then you’re like i feel a little better today

and eventually

just by drinking tons of fluid

and you know

vitamin c or whatever just

taking care of myself sleeping

ten days it took me to beat a cold

so for normal a cold you

would go to

a doctor for a cold oh yeah if if i if i have a sinus

like clogged and i’m like

there’s any like

color at all in my mucus

dude i call her

hey can you see me

right now like can i come in

right now wow yeah you

sound like a

pussy yeah i am

i am i’m a big old

pussy i don’t

i don’t i just i always was just like if

i was always told like if you have

color in it like

yeah it’s an infection yeah so i’d see a little bit of

color and i’m

like i’m gone i’m like i’m taking care of this

do you take vitamins and even

everything never

i should right

nah do you take a lot about you take

yeah yeah yeah vitamins are good for you man you’re not

gonna get enough for your

unless you’re super diligent

about your diet

you’re not gonna get what you need from your food

you just not

it’s gonna make a big difference

there’s a shit called

pepsi ac that it used to take a lot that’s for

what is it like for like heartburn

stomach acid and

stuff like that and recently for the last couple

months it’s just been gone

and so like there’s this whole weird thing

about it where

there johnson and johnson

saying that there was a couple packages during the

during the manufacturing that were punctured by mistake

and they had to

do a mystery or they had to pull all the packages you

know recall

but it’s been months

and people are like not buying it because

you know if something happens and use it like that it’s

cold but you know they make it and it’s

throwing back out

so then i was talking to this

other person

whose doctor said that it’s been

if you take

pepsi to see it

blocks something

important like

what’s a potassium or something fucked up

i’ve been trying to find it online i don’t know what it

blocks but they were saying like

no they found out it did something

really fucked up and so they pulled it from the shelves

i personally have not been able to find it for like

three months

you can’t find well what did they say in that

article what does it say it does

well this article i’m reading now is saying

serious disappearance of pepsi desi

complete and it talks

about like what they are saying to recall

but then they’re also saying dude something’s not

right somebody’s fibbing

about this whole

thing and there’s like this

whole conspiracy

about pepsi desi

so i don’t know what the whole

story is but

i’ve been hearing

things left and right

and i know if they had a manufacturing problem

it’s not gonna be

gone for three

months peps a day’s

eve is like it’s a lot of

money they’re losing yeah

how long do you

think they can

keep up that though if there’s something up

right you know

you can’t what are you doing over there well i guess

sorry i guess

what i guess

i guess i was

reading something i

guess johnson

and johnson do this phantom recalls all the time

where they actually hire people to go into

stores and buy all this shit

you know that’s in a

store like they’ll hire

companies to go into a

store and buy everything

oh as opposed

to doing a public recall

it’s called a phantom recall that’s

whoa that is some gangster fucking crazy

shit whoa i

never heard of that

before that

should be illegal that

definitely should be illegal

hey politicians

these same fuckheads that made

online poker

put down all

those sites this week


you fucking incompetent cunts

the fact that

those bankers are running around

after i watch that inside job

movie i’ve been

crazy for the last month

the bankers are

running around with hundreds of millions of dollars in

bonuses for banks that failed

but yeah let’s go

after people playing poker

you know there’s a lot of people thousands of them

in this country that played online poker for a living

that are fucked down yeah

yeah i know it’s insane man it’s

crazy fucking criminal and

do you know

about this um i forget the the

exact terminology but do you know that

like we obviously we have this horrible deficit

right and it’s insane i don’t even

understand it it’s so massive

do you know that like a bunch of

corporations all the major ones

they do this

thing and somebody will probably find it like

it’s called like the irish

some irish loophole like

irish is in the term somewhere

will they if you funnel it through it’s

legal it’s totally legal

if you set this up

then you don’t pay

taxes on that money

what and if they just made that

that practice

like not legal then

all of each of

these massive

companies would be

obligated to pay

billions more than they do

but because this

thing is set up and they go

it’s legal you can do it

there’s no objection to it

they just what is this called

irish some irish loop

tax if you type in irish

tax loop well

you know general electric

you know the

story the uproar

about general electric general electric made

who knows how many fucking billion dollars fourteen

point two billion

in profits in two thousand ten they paid

zero in taxes

that’s amazing it’s insane

doesn’t make any

sense and then

we go like well how can we how can we get

money to pay like

why don’t i’m not even saying to

to rip them off how

about just making them pay whatever

the minimum is for

you know in

taxes for that kind of problem here’s what’s really

crazy this is

where it’s really criminal the ceo

of general electric this guy

named jeffrey immelt

i m m e l t

he advises the president on business oh yeah

like what the fuck

this is insane these

these fucking people this is what gets really crazy

these fucking people that are involved in regulation

and this is what you

learn from that

movie inside job

from matt taiibis articles

these people that are involved in in

in regulating all these

these you know

trust funds and

these these

bankers and all this

all this corporate bullshit that’s going on

they eventually get jobs working in that industry yeah

which is incredible yeah that

whole documentary shows you all

those people that you’re like what like they’re all the

right hand men to the

the presidents and

then when they’re done

serving the public

they go to be lobbyists

who for corporations that will pay them

crazy money who they can now really use the inside


that they have from having been in public do you

understand lobbyists do you

understand how that works

i mean on a very

basic level

and i wouldn’t say that i’m

yeah me too

it’s one of

those things

where i don’t even look into it because it makes me

upset i look and i go it sounds

so like the

basic description just

sounds so creepy

and you know

manipulative and illegal

it’s hard to believe that it’s legal

it’s just the

weirdest fucking loophole in the

system ever if

you pay these people yeah and you

look the ufc has had to deal with a lot of

lobbyists in trying to make mma

legal and i’ve had some conversations with dana

white where dana

white you know

pulled me aside he goes if you fuck this is

exact words

if you knew how this fucking

system really worked

you’d want to jump out a window yeah

if you knew how corrupt it really is

it’s fucking nuts

and it’s nuts and it’s everyone

you know most people are ignorant

about it they don’t understand

i mean me and you i mean we’re talking

about we’re here complaining

about lobbyists

i mean if i had to give

a speech right now on what a

lobbyist is

you know sound a little clunky

check this out from 2007 to

2010 just google alone

save 3 1 billion

in taxes by using the double

irish tax loophole

which is it takes its profits

through ireland

and then through the netherlands and then off to a

haven in bermuda

and it saved it

goes down to its foreign tax rate down to two

point three

percent that’s it’s

basically saying like they’re getting the tax benefit

of like not being an american company is

essentially what it

sounds like it’s called double

irish or dutch sandwich it’s in

do you realize that’s three

billion dollars that

essentially they should have paid in

taxes yeah that

we’re saying you don’t have to because you funneled it

and it’s totally legal and

google is one of

hundreds of companies that do this

dude that’s

basically the solution

like in it in

to our deficit is like

no it’s not that there’s not i know

but it’s like it’s a huge yeah

should be something yeah

microsoft’s also done it it says

facebook is moving in this direction also

and apple oracle ibm they all do it

that’s a lot of money the

system is so fucking corrupt

that’s a lot of

money i don’t what is the fix

how do you fix

something that’s so it’s entangled in bullshit

like the whole

foundation of the financial system

that we operate

under the whole

foundation is

bullshit it’s all

i mean it’s not even based like

money’s not even

based on a thing anymore

it used to be

your dollar was supposed to represent a dollar’s

worth of gold now it’s just like

confidence you know

what how do you how do you fuck do you fix this

it’s it’s like you said the

system is such bullshit it’s almost like fixing

the political

system like

you had any

faith in politics

you know i mean then you you get

older and you kind of

you hear the same

thing you’re like oh this is all

a huge bullshit

show you know

common sense laws

there needs to be a guy

going seriously this is bullshit

i know it’s a law but fuck you google pay us this

money you know there has to be like a common

sense law where it’s

voted by just ten normal guys going

yeah that’s fucked up

you know what i mean yeah

that the thing is the reason

that these things

become law and you go that’s impossible that’s legal

is because somebody has worked

to essentially pay off in in

in a way like i’ll give you

these benefits if you make this

legal and then

a politician

we who legally goes goes

about making that practice

legal you know i mean like it

common sense tells you that shouldn’t be legal

but enough people

surround these guys and

here’s the incentives

that you’ll get from this there’s some incentive

going back to them

and then you make this illegal thing

it’s crazy man

it’s crazy but if you

could fit what do you do to fix it

i mean look

obviously there has to be some sort of financial

system there has to be some sort of a

system of government that runs us

how the fuck this

how would you fix this thing

you would you

would almost need

like somebody

who had extraordinary wealth and power

to be like i’m gonna

to go about

things like i’m not

about making

it easier for my

my level to get more rich and

powerful i’m gonna

i have a good

conscience i’m gonna do

what’s right

which is like

becomes a fairy tale

clean house

and they would

shoot that guy

right in his fat

stupid head sure they would

and then they

would have an orgy in money

didn’t you use his

blood and they

would pour down the

mouth of hookers

while they bang him in the ass yeah

chop their heads off and go bowling with them

once he was dead they

would go crazy they

would come over so yeah they

gotta be dead immediately didn’t i what were you saying

like i had kind of like this

i was sort of

almost fantasizing in a way

when obama was

gonna take office i was like this is like

a different

this is gonna be a new thing

i thought it was kind of awesome it’s the first time

i actually registered

to vote for during the elections i

never voted

in like before that yeah

and you know i mean

the reality is that you go oh

no it’s the same like they

were always the same

practices he’s played more golf

in one term in his

three years

than bush had in

eight years

maybe bush wasn’t golfer

i think one of the big criticisms

here’s one of the

things that i fucking hate here’s one of the

things that i hate

all these democrats that aren’t saying a fucking word

about us going to afghanistan

us bombing libya and us

you know all the

crazy shit that we’re doing overseas

they would be

screaming bloody

murder if there was a republican in office

people would be losing

their fucking mind of course they

would be calling him a killer they’d be

camping out on his lawn

but because of the fact that he’s a

black guy and

because he’s a democrat for some reason people are


but they’re not

speaking up it’s all

about empire

is in in motion

it’s all playing

those teams man that’s been

like that’s what this

this presidency made me realize is that it’s just

you know he’s

gonna say whatever he’s

gonna say his

everyone who’s on in his

party is gonna support it

and that i i hate equally

the bullshit criticism you always hear

from another

party no matter what choice is made

right whatever he said that day like

of course president is just full of it

again the russians

of the world man like this is

here we go again with a dog and pony show and

there’s always yeah and

people love to have an

ideology that’s easy to follow

you know people love to have

you know like a megadios rush

megadidos you

know like you’re a part of this

whole thing you

think a certain way you

smoke a cigar you

play golf you do

rush limbaugh type shit

there’s something appealing

about that a

lot of people

so these fucking cunts you know that’s how they make

their living they make

their living appealing to a weakness in

human nature

to wanna be a part of a pack

that whole world is so depressing to me

to be like the

the talking head like

rush limbaugh

or and culture

like that whole

world is like oh fuck and

culture depresses the shit out of oh my god man you

sold hawk looking

evil cunt she’s a she’s a horrible horrible

human being with

you i don’t

understand how so many good people like her

like bill maher likes her my friend and

culture like

whoa what do your friend is responsible for

putting out so much negative energy hatred

yeah hatred

and negative energy and yeah

you know and it’s just

in the way she does it it’s like she’s a professional

troll you know she says a

bunch of shit that she

doesn’t even really

believe just to try to get attention that’s the thing

and then that becomes so depressing that you’re like

oh you figured out that like if you say

really awful shit

it’ll grab headlines

and then you go

instead of like

going back to what you

think you go i’ll just say more awful

shit like yeah well the kids who have

cancer love having cancer and you’re like what like

what kind of

crazy shit are you talking

about she’s

just saying that yeah just to get a headline

yeah i mean i

think once you make a million

bucks enough to keep doing that stupid

if you don’t have anything else to say then you know

then you’re useless you’re in the way take some time to

write something meaningful

come back speaking

of horrible shit and writing something meaningful

tommy buns got in

trouble in melbourne australia oh yeah

tommy buns was

over there for the melbourne comedy festival

yeah and when we

tommy and i did sydney

um two years ago it’s about two

years yeah it was o nine yeah

what a fuck

great time we had there

that was goddamn

good town shut that shit down shut that shit down

we went into a bar

we got there

two days early

right so we didn’t have the show the first day

we got there

we went to the

movies that was all good went to the

apple store that was fun

and then someone

along with let’s just go get fucked up

let’s get fucked up and we decided like we decided

which is go get fucking

smashed yeah so we pulled up to this bar

we went to this bar and i just

started buying shots for everybody i spent

thousands of

dollars just buying shots he says everybody i mean

literally every

human being

is in like a fucking five

block radius i was high

five and people

you want in on this you want in on this come on


no yeah they

loved it man we had a

great time yeah

it was fun for

hours and hours we were

laughing and

fucking dancing and singing and doing shots

blitzkrieg the next day

that was very hard to do the show the next day oh yeah

my head was a

sponge i bet yeah that was

rough and not to mention

we would go to like

first of all you have

the jet lag the craziness of flying over there yeah

we stay out till like

six or seven in the morning

and then the next day he had to be somewhere

maybe weigh ins or something

a few hours

later a few

hours later

and then we did the same

thing after the show

yes we’re eating

street food and it was fucking

great though we had a great time

so anyway when we get there

tommy we’re

laughing and

we have the breast trip on the plane uh

i don’t remember

maybe well either

way by the time this rolled around by time showtime

rolled around we were fucked

okay and tommy

starts laughing

about how there’s so so many

white people here and then he comes up with this joke

yeah he does the joke on

stage what is the joke the joke is

basically that the flight is so long

that i thought i had died like

the flight goes on so long i was like i

think i’m dead feels fake yeah feels fake like how

could you still be fine i

think i’m dead and i

asked joe or am i dead

he’s like no you’re not dead

then we walked off the plane

i saw all these

white people and i was like well if i’m dead at

least i know i’m in heaven

and and the

crowd was totally

into it too you know and it’s a pretty like it’s

i don’t know it’s a joke that i

would never

think you have to explain to somebody like

like you get the joke

right like it’s not

right so crazy that you like what

what do you mean like you know it’s it’s pretty

black people

that’s the joke right so

you know anyways i

i did we did the show in

sydney i’m back a year

later i open with the same joke

right except i don’t say joe

cause you’re not there that

would be weird

but i i do the joke

people laugh

it gets a good response

and then i do a

second joke and this joke is definitely

harsher haha

but but no but i

think you the

okay the the next joke was that

uh unlike the

other yanks they were

gonna see i’ve prepared myself

for my time in australia by

immersing myself in your

culture before i got here

so i’ve been

drinking fosters

i’ve been going to outback

steakhouse for authentic

australian cuisine

and i’ve been talking to mexican people

i said i think mexicans are our equivalent

of aboriginals well they

drink a lot and they’re

super lazy is that the

right thing

just like that right

everybody’s like that that gets more of like a ooh

which when i did a version of that at your show it got

an applause

break that like was like ten

seconds long

okay like a

crazy applause

crowds different crowds but

regardless the joke there is not

that i’m like it’s not me saying something mean it’s

the joke is i know that’s your opinion of them

that’s the joke

right right like

it only makes

sense because i know

as white australians that’s what you guys say

about aboriginals that’s the joke

right like that’s how that works right so

anyways it gets like a oh kind of like that’s

crazy and then

right away whatever back to the set

everything goes fine

great crowds

i get off stage

and we have like a

like a festival

show like a handler who like works for the staff

and she’s like hey can i talk to you

like for a second and i’m like

yeah she’s like so

that was pretty

crazy and i was like

what was pretty crazy

like i don’t know what you’re talking

about she’s like

the aboriginal thing

whoa i was like

are you serious

right now she’s like yeah

like that’s a very

sensitive subject here

and i was like yeah

i mean i figured

i figured as much and she’s like well

you know like you

could really divide the room and i’m like

yeah like i know how jokes work

you know like i i i know exactly what i’m

what went on there and like

like i got like a boot or something you know like it’s

it’s pretty

standard to do a joke like this she’s like well

if you could

you know i don’t know if you

want to keep doing that and i’m like are you serious

right now like this is like the first time

there’s somebody

i feel like i’m explaining myself for a joke

since like high school

like when high

school when a

teacher how old

was this chick that you were talking to

older than me

in thirties

and like late 30s

maybe and was she just like

super liberal

yeah and i could tell that she it

was coming she was like reporting

for like a higher up that became kind of clear

and i was like

like you know

when you’re not in comedy

or something and you say something like that then

you kind of have to explain yourself like you’re like

yeah sorry like

you know i mean

like you like that’s just how we talk or something

but like i’m at a show i was just on

stage i wasn’t buying a

drink at the

mall yeah it’s a joke like

that was i thought that was over and they’re like well

if you could uh

it would be

great if you

didn’t do that joke and i was like are you serious

right now and they’re like yeah and i was like

i was like you know i know

how to do these like there’s an inherent

risk in saying

a race joke

but like you know

there’s like

a tension moment and then if you have a joke

like that’s the

punch line like people

understand that

it’s a joke

like 99 of people

have done jokes way

harsher than that and people don’t go

why’d you say that like that

you understand in the context

of performing

it’s a joke

right so i’m like

alright uh yeah i

guess i mean i didn’t that

night i was just like you know i didn’t even say that i

wouldn’t do it

again i was just like yeah no

you know i’ll think

about it and they were like uh

okay and then

afterwards i see the

the festival people

and i can tell

that they’re like

they’re not

happy with me

but you can just tell if you by reading body language

like they’re just kind of

flicking you off they’re just kind now they’re just

kind of like

hey and then they see the

other people like hey what’s up

like to the people on my show and i was like

hey they’re mad at me

and they’re like also they’re

going out of the way to

be nicer to people around yeah

right in front of me

right in front of you and i was like this is

weird like i’ve done

clubs obviously

where like they

might not be a hundred percent

on they might not be fancy

but they always

have like your back you know they’re like

right say whatever you want like you’re a comic

these people were like

you know just kind of like looking down and like just

blatantly letting me know that like

not on board with what you’re doing

right now and i was like this is crazy

so the next day i go and like we’re

about to do the show and they’re like ah that’s

great so you’re not

gonna do that joke

right wait a

minute all that’s

great that’s how she

starts off the no just just like just like hey how’s it

going um my

great like so you thought

about like not doing that joke

i was like look

i won’t do the joke

tonight okay i’m

gonna do a different

opening and i’ll just do a different

different series of jokes

and they’re like okay

and then when i get off

stage they’re like

that’s so great and we’re so

glad that you’ve

dropped it from your set

and i’m like

i didn’t make the

agreement i just

didn’t do it on this show we have ten more shows to go

but they were like no no no it’s great

that you’re done with it

we’re so glad

that you’re done with it and i was like really

then there was

a newspaper

article after the

first show did you

bring it yeah that’s we got

right there yeah there’s a

but like this just shows you like how the different i

think there’s a huge difference between

like what we’re used to seeing

comics say and do on stage

especially regarding race i feel like race is like

even though

every country has

their own issues with race

we’re way more comfortable

in comedy clubs

with comics doing race

as a subject matter you know we’re around it

some guys are really like

harsh with it but the actual topic is

like more open here

so the day after the

first show this guy wrote

tomsker opened with some essentially racist material

with which he

might have been deliberately attempting to offend

if the audience was offended they soon forgave him

blah blah blah some have topics were hacky um

what was hacky the

midget gag he wrote yeah

then he goes but he has a

nasty edge rarely seen in australia

so you’re like all right

then he further

comments in the comment section of his own

article like

yeah he’s still doing um i hope i’ve

heard that he

may not be doing the bigoted material anymore

and i’m just like

the guy clearly

didn’t get like

that either of

those were jokes

like they took them yeah but you saying

like it’s a joke

and that all of a

sudden that forgives you from the sentiment of the

statement you know i mean just because it’s a joke

doesn’t mean it’s

still not offensive it is a joke

you you is still offensive it can

still be offensive

but i think that

he also didn’t understand

that the joke really is more like

every comic that i told it to there was like you

should keep doing that joke

every and then i

spoke to like friends of mine that were

locals that are not comics

and told them like

the one about lazy and they’re like oh that’s so

true that’s so true because that’s what we all say that

about them it’s more like they’re not

accepting the fact

i mean not the audience that the

staff was more not accepting the fact

that i’m saying something

that is true and that that

could hurt feelings

but it’s true

like you’re

well you’re saying true in that they’re lazy no

not that they’re lazy

but that’s the

reason yeah

right but it’s that’s also a very

racist perception because you

did if you know the history this is

i didn’t know this

until i did um rudy hill

when i did the

last shows that we did in australia the woman

who worked for the booking agent

explained to me why people are so sensitive

about aborigines

they used to

steal their babies

used to take their babies from them and make them

raise them with

white families

steal their fucking children to try to incorporate them

because these people were not adapting to the

australian way of life

that the white people were living

and then like

these poor people they don’t

know what the fuck they’re doing so they went and took

their babies man

they did this shit for years

these poor fucking people grew up without

their own children

that’s horrifying it’s terrifying yeah

but it’s like they’re just like american indians in the

way that you know american indians being displaced by

you know the

white man moving in

and taking over the old ways of life what they do they

wound up being defeated and drunk and

i mean that’s like the

classic stereotype of american indian

being drunk and

angry well that’s exactly what’s

going on with

these aboriginal

people yeah but i’m not arguing that like

it’s anything

other than the fact that they’re trying to tell me

that i’m just

being racist

like i’m like

that’s the part that i take

issue i’m not taking

issue with any other part

of that not that it’s you know you

should laugh at it or that it’s

funny or that it’s

insightful but

the fact is

that they’re getting upset

that i’m saying something

about their perception

of their own people

and they’re

you’re saying it is if it’s a

whole country like they all have that perception like

it’s like saying the mexican

so us but yet to me i

might not have any problem with mexicans or i

think they’re lazy but you’re saying is

problem is that is it’s a

widely held perception

and they’re not acknowledging

that i’m offended

when they’re

talking that with me

just because no no i

don’t necessarily

agree with that because i

think even though

it’s not that they don’t acknowledge it they don’t

agree with it

they don’t think it’s something that you

should be talking about

and picking on

those people

you know i could see their

point of view man i really

i mean i kind well

it’s a joke i know it’s a joke it made me

laugh i thought it was

funny when you said it

look i don’t mind

offensive jokes i like them i think

they’re funny

i mean i love

i love guys that say shit

that i know they don’t even believe but they just say

norton is a perfect example

that half of his act is

horrible insulting you know

racist or not i

should say racist

it’s not really racist

but it’s that it’s horribly insulting shit but

i know that’s what he’s doing but i take

issue with the fact

that i’m being that

they’re sort of

classifying this as what i said

as the equivalent of

uh you know an in no

brand don’t bother shutting that door

while you flush the toilets it’s fine to

break through the

microphone to be interesting

there’s a background noise

they’re qualifying what i’m saying as

as like the

equivalent of

hey here’s a

here’s a racist

like internet joke like i’m shitting on them

but i do feel like

that the joke

is really more

about i i don’t i’m not saying you can’t you do not

agree with the

with my perception of it but the

the joke is that

it’s not that i’m

using i’m actually being making the joke

on the mexican person that’s not fair to them

but the equivalent i’m saying is you guys

think that of

aboriginals and you can say that well not all of us do

but it’s a widely held


among white australian

right okay how is that any different than doing a

black people or lazy joke

um how is it any different than

black people yeah cause

mexicans don’t have

feelings how is it how is it any different like

you know what what you’re saying is you’re

implying that

these people are lazy

right like i’m trying

not trying to

break down the material but if someone

said a really

racist joke

about black people about

black people being lazy and welfare and this and that

it’s basically the same

thing it’s a

racist joke and it will appeal to some people it

doesn’t mean that it’s a widely held belief

it’s just that

it’s acknowledged that there’s a lot of people that

do feel that way and if you say some really fucked up

racist joke

there’s a certain percentage of the

population is

gonna laugh at that

how is that any different

than making fun of

these aboriginal people

well i mean again like

in the joke that i said

i’m saying that like i

spoke to mexicans i

think they’re like aboriginals well they

drink a lot

and they’re super lazy

cause i know

that’s your

right in my mind that’s your perception of them right

so it’s more like i’m highlighting to you

some true perception of them

right but for me

i’m saying that like

that’s the truth that i see in you

about those people

so i don’t see it as

i guess in my mind i’m not seeing it as

hey i’m calling them

lazy and drunk

i’m saying i know that you call them lazy and

drunk well look

here’s here’s my point i

i think it’s

funny and i think you

should keep saying it because

guess what a

lot of them are fucking lazy and a lot of them are

drunk right

they think it’s sad

and they think it’s it’s

racist because

these people are downtrodden

and it’s really fucked up situation and they’re

right too they’re

right too but they’re also like hey don’t joke

about that thing that we

feel bad about

right is kind of what what i’m being

is what i feel like and then

well the other the

second part to this is that

like five days later

the same guy who

reviewed me

that first night

wrote an article

called racism

or political correctness gone mad

and it’s an article

where he writes

he’s like he

starts off talking

about an episode

oh well he says

i can’t hide from this relationship

it’s my responsibility to deal with it i mean

what kind of man

would i be if i ran off now

well you’d be a black man

that’s the answer

and it’s from an episode of the family guy

so he starts writing that

like the joke is like stewie’s like saying you know

if you left now what

would you be i’d be

black like a guy that

doesn’t take care of his kids

right so that was the joke and then he

starts examining

like that type of material and then

he brings up

yours truly

by saying um

he’s like i came to mind last week when the

time secret open the show by declaring how

great it was to be in melbourne

because there are so many

white people here

which is not what i said i said it was like heaven

and then he

went on to making a joke comparing aborigines

and mexicans

which i won’t repeat here

and then he says

the audience gasped but

still seem to

enjoy the rest of his set

where he ranted against

stupid people about

what surprised

me the most was that a couple audience members i

spoke to afterwards had

completely forgotten forgotten

about the opening mind

opening line

because they

apparently didn’t

hold on to that as much as he wanted them to

but to his mind

i was deliberately trying to

shock the audience from the outset

i don’t believe he’s actually

racist but i

think he was doing something

that’s considered fine on the us comedy circuit

so are we too sensitive here in australia

jokes on race are probably the last remaining

taboo in australian comedy

it’s a free for all for pretty much any

other thing pedophiles incest jokes

and then his own take is that

in some parts of the us namely new york and california

they seem to move into a post political correctness era

while milk america is

still stuck in pre

political correctness

um and he also

goes on to talk about

the right to free speech

and playing

a part and aren’t doing this but i don’t really think

that writer

sounds like a

moron yeah i don’t

think that’s accurate at all

but i do think that

the article at least

asked the question that i kind of wanted

the other people

like on the

staff to ask

which was like

are we being

hypersensitive to something like i

clearly touch the

nerve in a few people that work there

with that joke if you can’t

touch nerves in comedy then what are you

doing you’re taking that you’re taking so much off the

table if you can’t

touch nerves i

think so too it’s like saying i

wanna go see a

movie but i want no violence and no sex

please tell a nice

story yeah it’s called

ready g you mean

look you know i

enjoy a good violent

movie right

and rappers have had this argument

for years like how is what they’re doing different than

the movie scarface

yeah you know they

they’re not providing fictional

entertainment that’s what they’re saying

they’re saying they’re providing


they’re giving you an outlet for this kind of shit

you know and

and it’s just look man

especially when you got a couple of

drinks in you

some inappropriate

you know ridiculous

off colour jokes are hilarious sure

yeah what’s

wrong with that kind of

entertainment it’s what makes me

laugh it’s like i mean and i

gotta say like i don’t just do

race material but i always do

something usually like involving race

like it’s just part of something that i always find

inherently interesting

and funny and

i usually i feel like

the context of it being in a joke though does make it

somewhat different like i joke

about it on

stage i joke

about it on twitter

i joke about it in real life

and there is a line and there’s definitely

a hateful line i feel like and a line

i mean it’s everyone’s own line

it’s subjective

but i just feel like that

there is a place

to say well like

that these are jokes

do you feel like as you get more

famous and more

known for your comedy that

maybe you’re

gonna have more of a responsibility to balance it out

yeah like you’ll have like a

black joke but you better have some

white people jokes in there too oh yeah

well the thing that i’ve

found the most is that

when i go out and i do like a full show full hour show

i’ve never had anybody

really say anything

cause usually what people say is like

hey when you shit on whatever

i would have gotten mad but you give it out so evenly

like i feel like you know

you made fun of

mexicans in yourself too

and myself so they’re like

yeah you made fun of

everything therefore it’s cool

if you do a

shorter set

you’re much more like

i mean you think

about it we were only doing

twenty minute sets

in this thing

the twenty minute set

those two jokes that i told you

uh one of them i mean the

white with the

white people

one is like it’s it blows my mind that somebody

would be offended by that like that they really

couldn’t get that that’s a joke but

those two things took 45

seconds to tell

and they still

stood out this is

again i don’t

think that it’s not

that they can’t tell that it’s a joke it’s just they

think that the sentiment is mean yeah

no that comes across to me

yeah racism

doesn’t exist

for one but do you

think do you

think this is something that terrei

told us last week

not for tickling player

do you think if you

would have done the jokes you

would have been

fired from the tour

if what if you

would have continued

to do the jokes all ten shows do you

think you would have been

fired from oh dude

listen the the way

the thing that

stood out to me the most isn’t even this article

or or anybody’s review or anything

it’s that that that

that staff was

so disapproving

of what i had said well there are

two types big time

the festival people

yeah i mean rt

festival type people man that’s that’s always

gonna be something

to answer your question

yes i think

i would have been

asked to leave

that’s a fucking

comedy festivals are a hard time to man because you

never know what they’re into the people that they

might be into alternative comedy and they

might think that

you know the type of

stuff you’re doing is too crass or too mainstream and

you know a lot

of people who are comedy nerds like really and i mean

it’s like people who are only into the pixies yeah i

mean if i’m in your car you put on the pixies i’m

gonna go what

the fuck is this and why are you making me listen to it

you know what i mean what you’re too cool

for the doors

yeah yeah you’re too cool for

would you have done this

continue to do

the joke so they

would have said the same

thing to you i

wouldn’t have done the joke in the

first place

it’s not my

style of comedy

right i would have done

it i would have done something different

and if i felt like i liked it yes

yeah i would have done it yeah for sure

and there’s a lot of people that i like

that have jokes that i

laugh at but i

wouldn’t do that’s one of them

have you recently

had a club or anything tell you like hey

we don’t want that

that shit no way

after you move

tickets dude

you sell tickets

like hey you want to jerk off

i’m not causing

riots yeah no one’s

lighting the

tables on fire they don’t care but

it’s been a long time

since i had anybody mitzishaw

was the last person to tell me not to do a joke really

yeah it was a joke

and nicole smith

i used to do this joke

about anna cole

smith’s husband

yeah hilarious

cause she married this

one my closing bits

yeah cause she

married this billionaire

and everybody was like oh it’s so terrible

like she’s just

using it for his

money and like don’t you

think he fucking knows that

this guy made a billion dollars from scratch

chances are he’s a tad

crafty yeah

this whole bit about

him getting her to do the most ruthless shit for her

money like you

know because he was just

dying on his

deathbed and mitzi

did not like

it because he was an old man and she’s an old woman

she just didn’t like the

idea of old being so disgusting she’s like that joke’s

terrible you

gotta stop doing that joke

i go minty it kills it’s my closing

bitch goes i don’t like it don’t do it

she literally told me not to do it did you not do it

again i didn’t do it when she was in the room yeah

you know she was there

you know i don’t have to do it

i used it as an exercise it’s alright good i’ll

close with something else because she’s here

for the record i love aboriginal people

for the record i have no idea what they are

no i should tell you this though because this

sounds like you know the

whole story of australia it’s really fascinating

it is a fascinating story it’s

about them being a prison it is

yeah that’s a

story it’s an amazing beautiful country

but only along the coast the center is

really the center is just poisonous

snakes and fucking crocodiles and

it’s an enormous geographic

country if you look at the size of it right

right 20 million people live in australia wow

really it’s a continent right yeah it’s a continent

yeah yeah i mean it’s really a country but it’s

enormous yeah

yeah it’s huge but it’s all people around

the edges so there’s nothing in the middle there’s

no deaf deaf

but anyway these

these aboriginal people were there

first and when the americans or the english rather

when they sent over their

their prisoners

you know then

these you know

these new people integrated

it’s really fascinating when you there be like

you look at all

these incredible

buildings like

this all started off with some fucking

poor people on some boats

yeah you know some poor shithead some outcasts

you know sent out of england and they

yeah to a way better spot yeah

way better than england

i mean what were they

thinking man they sent people to something

the weather is

gorgeous the views are incredible it’s beautiful

i mean england is just fucking dour

and grey and

rainy in seattle and

yeah no you go there

isn’t australia have like the most

strip clubs per

capita or whatever like there’s tons of

strip club i

gotta tell you this though

the people there

are awesome and i’m not just

saying like

the i mean on the

streets wherever you go everybody is canadian like like

super helpful

very friendly yeah

yeah and they

the audiences

like you know from doing the audiences

we did like

twelve thirteen shows

amazing like they were

literally just

the best audiences you

could ask for

yeah was every

night every

night was just like

holy shit that was fucking awesome

yeah every show

like that every show

really great

sydney you’ve only been there

twice but both times are fucking incredible

this is in in

again it’s not just

going there and and you know

not even just a show just the people in general yeah

white people they’re great haha

australia is pretty

sweet it’s a nice spot it’s a it’s one of those few

places outside the united

states where i would think

about living really yeah

yeah it’s just some fucking

crazy nuclear meltdown here in america somebody

launches off a dirty bomb

you know you can do

look arge bark is counted over there in australia he is

fucking christ dane cook over there

yeah he’s their version of dane cook he was doing uh

i got to hang

out with him a couple times he’s doing like

the thing about that festival is you do like a run

right like you do

this many two weeks that we did two weeks

and there was two

other and there was another show that

replaced ours from the remaining two weeks arg does

like the month he does the

whole festival

fifteen hundred seater

like twenty five shows in a row

with like a day off like twice

and that’s incredibles out like

fifteen hundred seater

that make like

twenty five times in a row

that’s incredible that’s amazing

yeah he just hit over there somehow or another he’s

huge i mean then you see him on like on the

plane when you’re

watching movies on the way it’s orange

parker comedy specials yeah i saw that yeah you see him

in if you’re in your room you turn on the tv see arch

it’s amazing how a guy

would just become

super popular in another country like that yeah

eddie if does really well in australia he

does yeah but it fucking bites him in the ass man he

doesn’t like it

he doesn’t like not that he

doesn’t do well over there he loves that

but that he’s

for some reason he’s not like that over here

right like it drives him

crazy sure you know so he’s over here now he’s

spending a lot of time over here trying to put he’s a

funny guy totally yeah you know but

i think it’s fascinating fascinating

that jim jeffries

right super

funny massive

in the uk massive in the uk

big here does

really well does a lot of you know sells out

venues all the time

doesn’t even go to australia

which is his home country

and he he did

they told me he did a gala they do this gala

a big show to launch the festival

so they do is they have like

twenty eight comics

everybody has

three minutes and they broadcast it nationally

like like a

quarter of the

population of the country sees this

this gala event

and jim did one

where he did

he just did a

three minute

thing and his opening joke was

about like how he got in the car with a girl

and the girl was like

hold on one second

i can make a

phone call she

calls she’s like hey yeah i’m taking this guy

home what was your name

again he was like it’s jim jeffrey she’s like

i was jim jeffries

so if anything happens to me jim jeffries

jim jeffries okay

and she’s like

sorry just had to do that because i don’t

really know you and he goes well that’s fine it’s just

gonna make this rape a little awkward

that was like the joke or some something

along those lines the

place went like

silent like fucking

deathly silent

and then they were like

totally turned off by him

and he had like a terrible run

and he just

doesn’t even go back

to australia

from one show

i don’t know if it’s just that

i’m saying i

think he had a bad he’s got a

complex he’s got a bit of a complex

cause i was talking on

where at the improv

and he’s like i can’t even fucking sell tickets

in australia he was really mad yeah i was really mad i

think i mean a lot of that has to be the fact that he’s

oddly enough more

successful in the bigger markets

like uk united

states he’s bigger so what the

australians don’t like him for that you

think i i don’t know what it is but i i think

maybe now like if he

he’s become more of a name outside he can go back

and do well

but i just find it interesting that like

that’s clearly the third

market in that tier

in that group

and you would

think that like

a guy who’s had the

success that he’s had is

really huge in the uk

and like you know it’s a

pretty big name here

that he doesn’t go back

can’t go back there who the fuck knows what people like

you know it’s probably the

whole usa is

super cool thing too

going on you know like

where you have like an american person

going to the australia that’s what’s popular

about it because

they’re american

you know american comic

you know kind

of like how japanese people like levi’s you know

it’s not because

levi’s is awesome it’s like american

i wonder because arg lives there now

yeah you know

he like moved

down you know

tommy wake up

sorry you motherfucker

was reading something you keep doing that that just

twice brutal sorry

tommy tommy

come on now we’re in the middle of

breaking down the arj

barker scenario

arj barker i think that

jeffries is hilarious but he’s

funny dude maybe

they find him embarrassing over there

really it’s too much of what they are

maybe they don’t like it you

know mirror on themselves russell

peters or not

russell peter

what’s the guy that’s

married to katy

perry russell

brand is russell

brand big in the uk

yeah yeah yeah yeah he does like the o2

arena you want to see some bad stand up

watch his dvd

oh really oh

pretty bad oh

he’s gonna open my

car i couldn’t believe it i mean repeating

punch lines and shit like you already said that

yeah and wasn’t a good one in the

first place like

punchlines that were like

right out of like

some evening of the improv sketch

which is not good comedy man

he’s a great actor he’s really

funny and he’s a

funny actor

i loved him in that

sarah marshall

yeah he was

great in that that’s the problem

that’s every character is that character you know

that’s what i hate

about it like

every movie he’s in it’s the

exact same character

you think he’s the same in

every movie

ninety percent of the

movies you like

love it love the character yeah

me too yeah

i don’t mind him i don’t

mind of being the same guys if he’s really awesome at

yeah he’s awesome no

clit eastwood how many times did you play the same guy

hundred he’s awesome at it yeah

doesn’t bother

me yeah that russell

brown guy’s awesome at

it he’s hilarious

yeah stand up sucks a bag of dicks though ooh

i heard his book is awesome really really yeah

he’s got stories that’s the guy who has fucking stories

yeah yeah he’s

quite a character

yeah you know

i don’t i don’t know what the fuck it is man between

americans liking english people and english people

liking americans is it just something different i

guess it is right yeah

you always look at the

grass is always

greener you know do you are you a big fan of british

comics no no not me but music

music you do i like a lot of british

music yeah yeah

but like british comics

doesn’t work with me for some reason it

doesn’t it doesn’t hit there’s there’s something

about i don’t know

i can’t break it down

but there’s just something that like the

majority of british

comics just don’t

even though like this guy is fucking amazing just

doesn’t what

about british comedy shows

there have been some

fantastic ones i

think that i

still think that

the british office

is just like

perfect television yeah

amazing my favorite

british comedian is jeremy

clarkson and he’s not even comedian

oh really guys hilarious he’s the guy who’s the

the guy on top gear

oh yeah the main guy on top gear yeah fucking hilarious

he’s really

funny that’s

funny that’s the guy that reviewed you no

that’s the guy

no i had to

i think that’s the name right

yeah that’s who they used

they compared me to him

really because

he says a lot of rude shit he said that shit

about mexicans on his show

you heard what he said what do you say

about mexicans on his show oh yeah

they got in

big trouble big trouble

what happened they said they were reviewing a car and i

guess the car

was yet to be

made or something and like it’s coming it’s

gonna be from mexico

and he was like well

i’m sure that car will be like a real

piece of shit

because you know mexicans just sit around they’re

super drunk

um and they don’t really do anything so that car

will probably be just like that people like oh my god

and like mexican consulate was like

you need we’re

gonna fucking pull our

embassy out of there like you guys need to apologize

that’s hilarious

i support you jeremy

sensitive yeah wow

i mean his was

it was kind of i

think it was like kind of went on a little bit

right like he kind of hit the

point a few more times this weekend i was in solvain

which is north of

santa barbara it’s like a wine country and there was no

black people there like none zero

and we were talking

about the whole weekend how

crazy we were

actually trying to play a game to try to find the

first black person there

and we’re just

sitting there in our car and we’re kind of buzzed and

stuff and suddenly this

black guy just

knocks on my door i’m like oh shit here it goes

what the fuck why is he

knocking on my window and he goes

excuse me you have a tree branch

under your tire let

me get this for you

i’m like oh thanks

so freaked out

wow you’re a mess

you don’t see him for a

while yeah yeah pop out and

knock on the window this is what jeremy

clarkson said

about mexicans in his column

mexico doesn’t have an

olympic team because anyone who

could run jump or swim is already across the border

but what did he say on that show

you got this out there

says there yeah but here’s some fucking wack ass shit

some comedian attacked them

some comedian named

steve coogan

you know he’s a big british

comic is he

yeah yeah he attacked them

calling them a

bully because of what they said

about mexico

that’s weak shit

right there this is one

other thing i

gotta tell you

this is and this i feel like is a hundred percent true

that’s an example of it it’s only

white people that are ever offended for people

like i’ve said offensive

things at shows before

that in my mind whatever

it’s in the context of the joke or whatever and like

the same joke that a

black guy has hugged me for i’m

gonna give you a fucking hug

after the show

that shit was hilarious man

i’ve had white people

uh approach me

right so you can say jokes

about white people but

black people won’t get offended at you saying

those jokes

about white people

but if you say jokes

about black people

white people will get offended

right if you say jokes about

black people

white people will get offended for them and that same

black person or mexican person whomever

was will be like that was a

funny joke maybe

maybe some one or two

right but the point is

you can’t you

could say a joke

about white people yeah

black people

never come up

to you and go that you’re fucked up oh you

should have

never done that

never never

never yeah tricky

right and most of the time though when you do jokes

about race so it is

a minority person

that is not offended by it

right like that

that applauds it in some way like

whatever that

here’s that you know i got the joke i like the joke

white people though

love to tell you how offended they are

for that group

you know i’m so i’m so

that that’s not okay like really

you’re telling me that

you have some

vested interest in

defending a

group that you are not a part of

you’re gonna you’re offended for

this steve coogan guy

annoys the fuck out of me

what do you say this is what he says the lads talking

about jeremy

clark’s jeremy

clarkson and james may

and richard hammond on the show who

they’re funny guys man they say funny shit

and they shit on each

other they call each

other idiots and imbeciles all the time

like you know jeremy

clarkson was driving a car like look at him he’s

basically a baboon

you know like they’re constantly shitting on each other

that’s the show

so this is what this moron says

this is this

this coogan

crap character who just

called him a bully

he said the lads have this strange notion

that if they are being offensive it bestows upon them

a kind of anti establishment aura of coolness

in fact like

their leather jackets and

jeans it’s uber conservative

which isn’t cool

the fuck are you talking about

what you you’re saying what’s cool and not cool

first of all shut up

stupid yeah

you know you’re you’re

telling people what’s cool and what’s not cool cause

anti establishment because they

they like to be offensive

they like to be offensive

cause it’s funny

stupid yeah

that’s a whole

thing and if you’re not offensive you’re

not offensive at all yeah i bet you’re not funny yeah

i bet you’re not i bet if this is what you’re attacking

a funny joke

about mexican

swimmers jumpers and fucking runners

you’re gonna

write an article

about this to defend mexico

you fucking shit bag

it’s also like inappropriateness

is why is is what’s

funny you know all

the time yeah of course i enjoy it

i enjoy it and i’m a nice person

but i enjoy a good mexican joke

but just like i

enjoy a good

white people joke

yeah you know look if you got some

funny shit to say

about anybody

yeah come on with it anything is cool you know

calling someone a

bully he’s a

stupid looking fuck took look at them

and the picture says unimpressed

steve coogan

oh no i know i’m unimpressed with you dummy

getting mad at jeremy

clarkson you fuck he’s the

greatest fucking export you people have ever had

jealous he is jealous

he’s trying to get attention and he got it he

got it from everybody including me i’m a fool i played

right into his hand

god damn it he knows what he was doing

i just man i

have a real hard time with anybody who has like mock

anger you know yeah

mock upset you know

i got into a real fucking serious like almost i got a

fight with this bartender in new york once

because he was trying to

pretend to this woman

you know that he was like some

super fucking defender feminist

sort of a guy

and it was about

oj simpson you know they were talking

about oj simpson

and you know and

we were sitting around

talking and it was me and the waitress were talking

and the bartender kind of chimed in and cock blocked

to shut me down

but you know she

was saying how well he beat the shit out of his wife

i go well i go he was

he did something

where they had a restraining order

against him

i go but that

doesn’t mean anything when people are

breaking up people do nutty shit

yeah you never know

and then so the fucking bartender comes over

leans over the bar like he’s

scolding me

and said he pleaded

no contest do you

understand what that means

that means he beats women

and he did it like out of nowhere like we

weren’t even having a conversation

all i’m saying

is that sometimes when relationships go bad man

people accuse people of all kinds of

crazy shit to get custody of the kids to get more

money to get

you know to put the balance of

power on their side and when it comes to

the legal proceedings

that’s all i was saying was that like yeah

you never know what the fuck’s

going on with two people

break up cause i’ve seen some naughty shit myself

this motherfucker

leaned over the counter

to like to scold me

to be captain save a hoe in

front of this girl

i was like wow

if you’re really

upset at you know at me over this like

there has to be something else

i have must have done something to you before

which i hadn’t i

never even saw the guy

or your captain save a hoe

you’re that asshole that’s what you’re

gonna do you’re

gonna pretend that you’re really

super sensitive and cool and that’s why

people like you yeah

yeah that that that

being super sensitive

is not helping anybody man

that shit ain’t helping anybody i

i actually kind of subscribed to the idea too that like

there is i don’t really believe in

at least comics

being offended by

things like

finding things offensive in jokes like on stage

i i i have a kind of a problem with like

like you know there was a joke there where like

somebody told another joke

about like a separate

thing but the person was like i

wouldn’t be cool with that and i was like

well you’re

essentially when you say that you’re saying like

everything else is cool you can talk

about all these

other things

but you can’t talk

about that i

think it’s more uncomfortable with fat jokes

just because it seems like that

cause you’re fat

well no because

i’ve seen people in the audience

no no i mean

cause i have i have fat jokes and

i say i feel uncomfortable saying it is what i’m saying

yeah because

cause there’s

i’ve been in audiences before

where i’ve seen

the audience just sit there and just like hold

their head like they’re fucking sad

because they’re thinking

about how fat they are

oh right yeah

you’re a lot of shit on fat people way too easy

yeah i mean it’s a

it’s obviously

their own fault

cause they’re the one who

ate the food

right but still

you know you’re you’re

still it’s like

how is it any different than shitting on poor people

yeah that’s sort of

their fault too

right they have been

alive on this

earth x amount of years it’s

their job to accumulate enough

money to not be poor yeah

but yeah you know you shit on poor people it’s very

very poor taste you know it

feels awful

you know but you shit on fat people it’s like

they’re both people who have you know

been in a bad circumstance and made bad decisions

probably you know but yeah fat people

are they don’t nobody backs them up

yeah i i don’t like doing it i

guess i just i

think like i mean

if you’re across the

board some people

don’t like jokes that they feel like have a mean

edge or nastiness behind them

but some people are like are fine with like let’s say

i don’t know a mexican joke that they

were like that’s cool

but then they’ll be offended by

you know the

fat joke or something like that or abortion joke

abortion is a huge one

right but it’s like

really you’re going to

like so that

should the show cater to you

like is that

essentially what you’re asking for

are you gonna

dictate the terms

of the show now

well that’s a real problem

people don’t know who you are before you go up there

yeah if you

if they get into the tom

segura mindset

and they listen to your podcast devoutly and then they

is that a word

and they come to

they come to see you

at a show and they know

what they’re getting they’re there for the fucking tom

segura show

right you know they know your

style of comedy

if they have no idea who the fuck you

are and you just do some show somewhere and you show up

then it’s like well who’s this tom

seguru guy why is he shitting on aboriginals

right right yeah you know

yeah yeah exactly i mean and i

think the big

thing was like

doing like i said

or can you do like a full show

and people almost are never

upset because they see the full

thing they had the

whole meal you know what i mean

right right

i see what you do

like you said

you make fun of yourself you make fun of all these

groups it’s kind of like

you can’t really say like i’m offended cause

you’re being selective

about the one thing

right you give

it evenly you give it across the board

yeah yeah and and you sort of

see that there are

not no sake there’s nothing sacred no subjects

are sacred yeah i mean you have to have people that get

fucking heated with

things that you say

right all the time

i mean not necessarily i really pretty easy going

yeah i mean i’ve had a few people get

upset at me at

some of my gay jokes

you know oh really that’s a big one

but i i used to have this

whole thing

about defending

it like i have no problem with gay people

but you can’t tell me it’s not

funny when guys

wanna fuck guys

it’s just funny

upset about that yeah well i just did this

whole bit about

brokeback mountain

that is one of my favorite

unintentional comedies ever

because i i fucking and this is true i

laughed my ass off in that

movie i thought it was really

funny all the

yeah and you know and people were you

know i’ve had people tell me that that it’s

the the bit is

homophobic and i’m like it’s not

homophobic cause

homophobia is

phobia it’s

like you’re you’re saying you fear gay people or you

have a hate towards gay people yeah it’s a lot of times

interpreted that way

it’s not it’s not saying that you don’t

think it’s funny

yeah no i have no fear no hate

right but you can’t tell me

things aren’t

funny look yeah

everyone’s funny you know

your physical

defects are funny

i have a friend who’s

seven foot tall when i

stand next to him i look like a

child that’s

funny it’s funny

it’s funny it’s

funny because i’m short

i mean it is funny

i mean there’s no getting around that

when i watch two guys kiss each

other i think it’s fucking hilarious

i don’t think you

should stop doing it because i

think it’s funny

and i’m not

gonna mock you openly

i’m not gonna roll down the window get some

more you fucking

queer i’m not

i was in i was in

hollywood leaving the comedy

store and i was

going towards

santa monica boulevard was

going down to

jerry’s deli to get some food

and you know that area

where la sienna

is and santa

monica is like boys town yeah yeah yeah

everything to the

right everything west

yeah everything west is is gay as can get man

and there was

these fucking two guys and they both had

their hands

on each other’s belt loops

like crisscrossed

you know he had his hands on one guy and the

other guy and i’m sitting in the car

and they’re

rubbing crotches together and like sort of leaning back

and brazing each other

by rubbing dicks together and i’m like wow

and then they

started kissing

and i swear to god

i had to roll up the window man

i had to roll up the window and i’m biting my lip

it’s hilarious it’s

funny doesn’t mean you

should stop doing it right

enjoy the fuck out of it do whatever you want to do but

you can’t tell me that all sorts of

things are funny

all sorts of things are

funny even if they make you feel uncomfortable because

you don’t like the fact that people think it’s

funny that you have

to fuck guys

right but it is

funny man it is there’s a

funny video you need to

watch you’ll

laugh your ass off it’s called

vampire boys it’s a

movie about

these vampires

and they’re all gay

but i don’t

think that they’re supposed to be

a hundred percent i don’t know but

i saw the preview the

other day on a

movie and it was just

the most hilarious thing ever

they’re not supposed

it’s not a gay

movie i think

because there’s one

point where the two

vampires do kiss but i don’t think

they’re all supposed to be gay but

i think all the actors they picked are gay

wait a minute the

vampires are men and they kiss yeah

they are supposed to be

gay here’s the poster of it

it’s a goddamn gay porno

brian these

guys they’re all like

chip and dale’s dancers

their shirts open up and shit

it’s so fucking hilarious did

you watch it

i just watched the preview and i

laughed my ass off the

whole time did you get hard

just slightly a little bit

a little bit

what about the

midget joke do you ever feel bad telling the

midget joke

cause you and i have talked

about your midget bit before

you asked me once when we

smoking a little

bit of weed

you know you

smoke weed to get real sensitive

yeah when you said to me do you

think i should stop doing that joke

you were like it is pretty like

you like it is kind of mean like it does they can’t

help it they can’t help it yeah it’s not like they’re

stupid or it’s not like they you know they’re they’re

cheap it’s not like they’re they’re making some

stupid choice

you know i’ve

never gotten

i have gotten

uh approached

about it before

um and i did have a family

breakdown one time at a show

uh the regular size people

came out to me and the

woman was crying


because their son

was a dwarf

wow like destroyed them and they tried

watch the rest of the show and they couldn’t and like

the manager was like were they just too

short to see the

stage no they they

you know they

should guide

yourself there you

should have thought about saying it and go

it’s not really that funny

the guy came up to me

after the show

and he goes can i talk to you for a

second i was walking to the back

of the room and i was like what’s up man he was like

that’s very funny

said you really

funny i was like oh

thanks a lot man and like the

set had gone really well

i thought somebody

was like i just like you a lot and i was like cool

and he was like

oh just one

other thing

i was like what’s that he’s like yeah my son is a dwarf

and i was like ah

that was like

yeah and i was just looking at him he just

stand there looking at me and i was like this guy

gonna hit me like what’s he gonna do

i was like yeah he goes um

i go i get it man

like it’s offensive

to you and he goes no it’s not offensive to me

it’s offensive to him and who he’s gonna be

i was like all

right he’s like i know what you’re

thinking like they

all become doctors or lawyers or whatever like they’ll

make a good life for themselves but

what and i was like i’m not

gonna say it

it’s all become doctors or lawyers that’s what he said

and then he goes

first time i’ve ever

heard that maybe that’s what he uses at work

but then he goes he says that and then he goes kids a

midget yeah they all become doctors and lawyers

what kind of fucking criminal you got at

least he’s not a faggot

he goes but anyways really funny

stuff i’m like huh cool like he had to tag it with

but you know i’m a fan and i was like

alright and then i kind of

linger in the back and then like ten fifteen minutes

later i see the same man and a

woman who i have to assume is his wife

and she’s a fucking

falling to the manager i see the manager like

nodding like

and she’s like he’s a fucking asshole

and i was like that’s

about me so i just

dipped out and then

god you’re a heartbreaker to the guy

the guy the manager told me he’s like yeah you know

i offered them free tickets but then as they’re

about to leave i go oh by the way

i can’t guarantee you the next guy

won’t do something like that too

like he had to remind them that

like i don’t have like a

midget calendar and a non midget calendar

like to know like who’s coming to town and what they’re

gonna talk about

i was like you should have just

given them tickets to see brat i would have fucking

solved everything yeah that’s true yeah

but brad williams

brad williams who’s a little person little person

so i that’s you know

that was pretty like

but do you think about not doing it after that

i think about not doing it like just because i did

it once in australia and they also included that like

about how mean it was

and the guy was like

kinda hacky so i was like i’m just not

doing it the rest of this trip so i just didn’t do it

again there

and now it’s to the

point where

i do get bored i

close with it for so long that i’m just

bored of saying it

so i’m not closing with it anymore

i just do something else so for me

i don’t really feel bad about it

i just feel

tired of saying it

would you do it in a room full of midgets

if it was just

midgets just

midgets no one but

no one but if you got

like full images

if you guys were like in the wings like do it i

would do it

but notice how tom made us the enablers

but just i don’t

think i would do it just to

if i had a room full of just

midgets just i mean you know it

would be fun like

be a fun story

to tell about the like the brawl

afterwards or something but

i don’t know if i

would do that i have one joke

that i do edit if certain people are in the audience

and it’s a fat joke

really yeah i did this line

about vegas

that you know the

thing about

vegas is you gotta know

oh yeah sleep

the moment you must go to bed is when you see the

first fat girl

walking barefoot

carrying her

shoes yeah yeah

funny everything

after her is a mistake you had to edit

could you see that i see

him and i feel

bad and i’ve said big girls i’ve said big girls but

i should just stop

saying it i said

black girls too and he gets an empty

of different laugh

yeah see the first

black girl walking barefoot

carrying their shoes

right i know

you’re like what

do you know you what are you saying i’m just trying to

get around this show you around a fat joke

i’ve actually you know it’s funny i’ve

i’ve had fat lines before and i’m fat

and i felt bad

right like i’ve

seen somebody just who’s like way fatter than me

why just go you say that you’re fat though

joke about it in this

particular joke no and so i’ll just kind of like

i’ll just jump around it like i just

cause i’ll feel bad like i can

cause i’ve said it before

and seen like a really obese

fat person right

and i’m like man they i just

crushed that person yeah

and they can’t even be like fuck you you’re fat

like you’re six hundred pounds

right like you

ready you ready for

yeah you got your comeback line

yeah like i kiss

so i felt bad for that it’s

eddie bravo

in the falcon line remember that oh

what’s that

eddie got mad at joey

diaz once cause joey

diaz is the master of the one liner

yeah you know and

eddie had this

you know eddie like

changed his look over the years and became much money

focused on his

music became much more rock and roll

style and he had this big bracelet on it was a

leather bracelet yeah

and you know

they’re stylish people like wearing whatever

but joey diaz is

what are you waiting for a fucking falcon to land on

i remember i laughed so hard but

guys eddie got mad

eddie goes fuck you you 300

pounds and we were like whoa whoa right to a fat joke

yeah we had to like go come on man

yeah come on he just joked on your wristband

and yeah you’re all you’re getting all

upset and going right after his weight

do you know what by far by the way

got the most backlash ever for me by far i mean

of all the negative response i’ve ever gotten 90

of it is from my bike riding joe

really but i mean oh and i saw that online

i saw that online a lot of people were

angry they wanted

to fucking kick your ass oh my god dude i

gotta eat like tons of

emails and your joke is

about how arrogant people are

with bikes a lot of bike riders they do are arrogant

yeah and i mean

look it’s the

that’s just the

statement i make and there’s a joke that

elaborate with it

one of the things i

imply in the joke is like


hitting somebody with my car right

right but it’s one of like

a lot cause it’s a bit it’s like a

three minute bit

right what dude

i’m talking like you fucking

piece of shit

like you deserve to die i bet you

can’t even ride a bike you fat fuck like all these like

i mean like

dozens of emails of like you’re the fucking

worst person ever

like i was i didn’t realize

a how big that

like the eighth that

would strike a

chord at all

but then there’s this whole

cycling movement yeah community hardcore

yeah that also feels threatened by

car like drivers like that’s a real

issue i didn’t realize i was hitting on

a real issue i was just talking

about the way that like

i’ve had cyclists i’ve had

cyclists kick my car when i’m

driving down the

street because they felt like i

veered into the lane or you know i mean like

just like shit

where i felt like

you know they’ll

shut off an intersection and and

we’re driving the middle of the

street make you

drive like i just feel like some of them drive ride

their bikes arrogantly

i feel like they

could be more

aware of like

the surroundings and

the way that like people in cars have to be careful too

and it’s more a commentary on that dude

so much fucking hate mail

so much hate it was a new comedy central special

right but it didn’t air

in the special it only aired on the online promotion

really so they just aired a clip

were you responsible for the editing of this

special no they were they were yeah

so the clip is online

and the clip got me

i was hundreds so

happy that i was

responsible for the editing of my own special oh yeah

that would suck if you couldn’t edit your own shit

how come they didn’t work that in for you

they let you when you get off

stage when you do a half hour an hour

half hour when you do a half hour you get off stage

you get to go

you have a meeting with a producer

right away like

right immediately off

stage right like

they’re like what you know

what did you like the most what did you like the least

how many sets did you do just one oh just one yeah

that’s rough

they give you a fucking i mean

in their you

know defense they give you

a really hot room

a really hot crowd

but they have

to do it one set if it’s a half hour and they’re doing

how many did do a show

they do two per audience and they ship out the audience

but they give you a lot like they’re like you know

if you fumble your lines like

we’ll go back

you can go back

you can do go back to something you thought didn’t work

right you can try saying it again

they try to help you you say it

again well i didn’t

but they offer

that too they

offer that they offer they’re like if you go

you know i was whatever walking into the

store and you just like slip up you guys

there’s the

store and you sound

stupid right

you can be like i want to take that from the top again

and you say that to the audience yeah

yeah that’s so

weird it is

weird but the audience is so coached

and so on board with the concept

that it’s not

like you’re doing it at like a club or something like

they’re like they

understand that they’re there just for you to do this

uh it’s looking

more and more like i’m doing my next one in vancouver

that’s the fucking best

yeah i’m looking i’m trying for june

we’re working on all the details

right now but if i can make it happen

yeah i got a

venue and it’ll probably be on thursday

night in vancouver

so that the weekend of the

ufc is there

it’s not it’s not set in

stone i’m definitely

gonna be doing shows there yeah but uh

most likely and the tickets will be on sale

by this weekend hopefully

we’re we’re working on that

right now we got the

venue secured but nice

one of my favourite uh

cities definitely and

top for me top three

comedy city in the

world vancouver

i love it i’ve done awesome

there i’ve done a set at the

the red rock

or whatever it’s called the red

robinson casino

that i’ve done a set there but i’ve done the club

uh the comedy mix

which is on barrad

street downtown

multiple times and that is one of

my favorite clubs if you live in vancouver that club is

awesome i only did yuck yucks it’s the same venue

okay they just

that they just

use that name the one that’s in the bottom of a

hotel that’s it

that is the shit remember that how

awesome that was

we just go downstairs from your room

and boom you’re in the comedy

they they have like six

i think six

nights a week they have shows

it’s small too right

capacities two fifteen i think

maybe two ten two fifteen

and i would say

i mean for a weekend there

like like the friday saturday i think you

thursday friday saturday something like that

like almost

every show is

sold out if not like ninety percent capacity and then i

found out that all the comments were like oh no

tuesday wednesday

like it’s always like eighty at

least eighty

percent full so it’s called the mix now it’s called the

comedy mix the comedy mix and there’s no more yuck yuck

certain yuck yuck

is in yolk yuck yuck is

still there they

essentially they were

licensing the name

okay so they were just

using the name

it expired and they’re just like we don’t

wanna license your name anymore

yeah why do it you don’t need it yeah so they’re an

awesome name

awesome name that

scott is so

great it’s a fucking amazing club

that’s where we met

pete johansson

we did a bunch of shows with him there

yeah that was

that’s a great fucking town for

everything i’ve only done

i’ve done the red i’ve done that

and i’ve done the red

robinson there at

least once i

think twice and i did another room that was

just like a half an hour outside of town that’s

another casino but

i’ll be doing a different

place this time and

i’m looking to do two shows two shows on a

thursday night

and that’s awesome it’s

they’re just they

it’s like one of

those things

where it’s just like the audiences are

fucking awesome there like they’re just

great comedy savvy

and their high as fuck

their highest fuck high as fuck

which makes for a way better crowd

anytime you go to a

stoner crowd

like portland how awesome is portland

amazing super

stoner crowd you done the helium in portland now now

oh my goodness one of the

greatest clubs ever oh nice

dude we i’ve

never been handed more weed

after a show never

portland is the undisputed

champion that was philly

fucking awesome

philly fucking awesome oh yeah it’s helium too

right we did two shows on

thursday we did

two shows sold out

every show two

shows thursday two shows friday two shows we

did a full weekend yeah

thursday friday saturday

me joey diaz and orange fear

nice fucking that’s

hot food was eaten

oh yeah we went off we had a good goddamn time it was

chaos and that was

philly such a fucking wild town too

it’s so crazy because when

philly everything’s one way

because it was all designed for

horses it’s like

these little

narrow ass streets in this big fucking city

you know half the streets

these little

tiny and it’s like

the traffic and getting around is so difficult you know

parking is ridiculous it’s impossible

what a fucking

great town now

you watch parking wars

parking wars on a and e

you had a joke

about that would you say

i said parking wars

on a and e should be renamed when

black people act black

they fighting over parking

is that what it’s

about show that show is

great what is it

well they just follow meter maids

like meter maze

in philly so the

philadelphia parking authority wow and and like

basically it just follows them like they take you on

their beat and

then they’re writing tickets and the people are like

fuck you man like just yelling shit to them

all the time

talk like you know i was here with my like

i just ran in to do this

so there’s always always confrontation always conflict

and then cars getting

towed or booted

and i mean the

conflict gets really the confrontation is really

escalated like

has anybody been attacked

i’ve seen like

i’ve seen a guy oh i’ve seen a guy who

was getting the boot put on his car you know the yellow

thing that keeps

your car can’t

drive after it

right they had like half of it on a guy got in his car

and drove with it like half on his car dragging

push the car in

front of it and

everything like

people lose

their minds when they’re

about to lose their car

and also when they go to get

their cars that were towed

like fucking just

freak out man like

cause then when you go pick up your car

if it’s been towed

you have to you have to get square on all your

other stuff that

maybe had nothing to do with getting towed

so you had parking tickets oh

you gotta show registration and current insurance oh

you don’t realize how many people are not insured

so they’ll be like oh i got yeah and they’re like

where’s your current insurance and they’re like

i have it and they’re like alright we need them to fax

us like that you have insurance

and then people just fucking

there’s so much yelling on that show

it’s really

is it good yeah oh my god it’s so and it was like

it’s on a and e it’s called

parking wars yeah my latest obsessions that show cole

coal coal what’s that show it’s

about coal miners

it’s on spike tv

it’s all following

these coal miners into

these fucking mines oh that shit’s crazy

dude the mines this is how they work it it’s like a

building you know how you see

buildings and there’s beams inside the

building to support the

structure of the building

and then inside

those beams is rooms

that’s what they do in mountains

they cut in

they’ll cut out a room

and then they take a left turn they

leave like pillars

yeah and then they cut out this room

and they leave a pillar

and they do

that through the entire fucking mountain but

you know you’re talking

about some incredible amount of weight that’s being


who knows how much of it is even and how much of it is

you know air pockets or

water or coal

as opposed to

heavy stone and

dude they fucking

collapse on people all that some guys missing just the

other day there was some

minor and i believe it was idaho

we think about

that missing

thing right like how horrifying

it’s terrifying yeah

scary shit man they were down

there how long two

three months

a long time man

they were down there a long time yeah

yeah it’s scary

but the mind thing the

creepiest part

about is that they’re they’re

under like they’re in

these rooms that are like

three feet tall

so you’re hunched

and it’s all darkness and shit then

you’ve got this machine that’s just chipping away

and pulling out the coal

and there’s

and there’s nowhere for the dust to go

i mean it goes

right in your fucking lungs man

i mean they’re

breaking this

stuff down like

you looking just like

man what if

you were living in west virginia what if you had no

other options what if you know your

family was coal miners and everyone’s just stupid and

by the time you’re 18 you’re already hooked on

oxycontin since

before you know it

you’re fucking

chipping away at the side of the mountain yeah

yeah it’s a

freaky fucking show yeah that’s

i gotta watch that it’s a good one on spike

yeah it’s a

good one check that out it’s a

good one just for the claustrophobia factor yeah i was

watching now saying

they should make a

movie where

there’s a monster

movie inside a coal mine

oh yeah like the scariest

movie ever would be a

giant dick with

shark teeth

that chases you around a coal mine

that would be that’s so

homophobic of you joe i know totally

a lot of my act a lot of my act is very offensive

offensive make it

black so he hides in this

let’s just end this bitch

we’ve been doing this for two

hours we’re doing this about two hours right yeah

all right ladies and gentlemen

where tom’s go where can people see you

let’s see next i will be

uh next week i’ll be doing a few spots at the comedy

magic club in hermosa beach nice

and then i go the first weekend in may to the improv

in fort lauderdale

at the hard rock casino and is it thompsgard dot com

it is thompsgard com follow tom on twitter

t o m s e g u r a

again we’re sorry

about the last episode but we hope we made up for it

in this one subscribe to tom’s podcast yeah

your mom’s house or just subscribe to death

squad on itunes we’re gonna do on wednesday yeah doing

on how many of them you do in a week

i’m trying to do

one a week or

two last week and you do when mrs

sagurin it’s called your mom’s

house yeah as many i mean

we try to do when we’re together as much she did one

at his studio why your mom’s house

i don’t know i just like i’ve always

you know i want to open a restaurant called your mom’s

house so if you ask me

where i’m going i can really say i’m

going to your mom’s

house i don’t know

i just think it’s

stupid and funny okay

we had mary carry on

today on the

naughty show podcast was it funny

it was pretty interesting man she told some

crazy stories is she

still working

in the business

mary carey for

folks who don’t know ran for governor of

california at

one time she’s

some good ideas

she’s does girl girl in solos now she does

feature dancings but she told some

crazy stories

about like baldwin

today and about this

basketball players

she’s sober now yeah oh

she’s serious she was on

celebrity reality we had we were

on the airplane with her me and ari shafir

and she had a

bottle of pills and she’s pouring xanax into her hands

she’s going one two

three four shit

do you guys have any xanax

did you really yeah she had

eight xanax

in her hand she was like

it’s not enough

wow and she said

i was like yeah

joe said that

he was on the airplane with you and he goes oh yeah

those pot brownies or something

like a problem

yeah those pot

brownies pop

fucking with my xanax

alright folks we will be back tomorrow

tuesday same same bad time

channel hundredth episode tomorrow’s the big one

it’s probably just

gonna be me and

brian because that’s how we roll

snowflakes with snowflakes and and and

we’re gonna get high as fuck all

right we love you guys

thank you very much peace

the joe rogan

experience podcast is brought to you by the

flashlight if you go to joe rogan

net and click on the link

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