we got no bells and whistles
we got no guests we got shit this
is the hundredth episode and it will go to
100 the way it began
with no form
not knowing what the fuck we’re doing
sitting in front of a laptop with snow
the stupid karaoke snow effect
yeah i listened to it
today actually on the way over here
it’s unlistenable
there is times where there was like 15
seconds 20 seconds of dead air
where we’re just fucking sitting there
like looking at things yeah
that wasn’t really supposed to be on itunes we
should have
never let it go on itunes yeah
what it is you
know it was just we were just fucking around we just
what it would
start was it anthony kumia’s show
that was actually i remember a
while ago when justin tv came out
we used to always be on the road in the
green room and i always
tried to like
set up like a
video like in the
green room thing we did it a few times the joey diaz
and then joey
diaz got pissed and
twisted my finger remember that
he got mad because he didn’t want the camera on anymore
and he grabbed my hand and started
twisting my finger it was
crazy like he got really
upset well joey i
think joey has to be
funny all the time
in his eyes
and when joey’s
backstage if he’s just sitting there like what
what do you
wanna do well
i’m not even hungry
you know he
doesn’t want people to see that
he doesn’t want people to see the normal
average everyday joey he just wants joey when he’s on
right you know
so yeah after that that that incident
i was like alright i’m not doing this anymore and then
we tried it
again joey’s a lot more sensitive than you
think he is man yeah you know joey joey
said something to me remember when i came down when i
when we were headed
to the show in portland and joey got mad yeah well
that was ridiculous
that came out of nowhere too
it was just me and him sitting there
waiting for you to come down and it was really weird
i mean the bottom line was i had to take a shit
and sometimes
was that me yeah
it’s probably
it’s probably me
you know when you have to
take a shit sometimes you know time it well sometimes
like you’re running out the door i’m like god damn i
think i gotta go
let me just see if i can get this out real
quick it was like
oh god damn it
i do have to take a shit but i
haven’t had enough lettuce today
i hate that when you have to
speed up a shit that’s the
worst that’s not cool at all it’s not helping
the worst is when you’re thinking
about not taking a shit and then you do and you go
god i can’t believe i was just
gonna walk around for the next couple
hours with that inside of me yeah
or the girlfriend shit when you get a new
girlfriend you can’t shit in
front of her i
shit in front of everybody
you gotta deal with it you have to yeah
the word i don’t mind if they do it either it’s life
yeah but it
just kind of sucks you just meet this girl you’re
trying to be like all sexy and hot in your bathrooms
right next to your
towel and his deal
i’m gonna take a
stinky shit hope you can deal with it
if you’re not you don’t get no more of this good dick
damn that’s what you
gotta tell her
let her know man
it’s commodity
you didn’t look
through my camera by the way that i left it no i didn’t
god damn damn
it that’s great
and if i did i wouldn’t
you know me
i did my first
well not my
first but my one or
first or second
home movie sex
movie oh really and we were just like
let’s see what it looks like do you like how you look
no because it was a side
and i noticed that my
gut just kind of sits on her ass when i’m fucking her
i’ve never noticed that before so
now i’m like looking at 24 hour fitness and shit like
that but i left my
rest on her ass like a fanny pack yeah it was
crazy and i left
it here though and immediately i saw him like oh my god
that video could easily have just gotten out and that
could have fucking
that’s how it happens
that is how it happens yeah yeah you fuck around and
leave a phone behind exactly yeah
jason tebow has this
thing with sam tripoli that
every time they
leave their
phone around or somebody gets their
phone and it’s unlocked
take pictures that dick yeah and or put like
black dicks and
stuff like that like
jason likes
black dick and less
last night jason’s
did his mom though
and was saying
i like black dick
did his mom what do you mean
she left she was like oh look at these
photos i took
and so he did
his mom’s facebook and put like you know wait
a minute wait a minute
his mom left her
phone behind yeah so he took her
phone and got on facebook and put
pictures of
black dick yes it’s or i don’t know he put
black dick but he said something like i really like
black muff or something like that
whoa really
yeah his mom yeah
his mom’s pretty
sweet though she’s she’s pretty
sweet she’s a
lesbian she’s just hangs out with the boys type
thing your mom’s pretty
sweet you sound like cartman
she’s supposed to be
mom is pretty sweet
i had one friend that a
mama was a lesbian growing up
but he never admitted it man
took it forever
took forever before he came
clean oh he knew
about it he
just everybody knew his mom was living with this
woman with a crew cut
with with like big arms
she had like she would wear larry the cable guy
clothes yeah
she would wear like sleeveless shirts like
sleeveless vest and shit yeah and she had these like
these big like floppy
truck driver arms
you know and she was a dyke
there’s no getting
around it she was but she was you know
my friend did not want to come
clean though why
she wants to be normal man
everybody wants to be normal
you remember joey diaz’s stories
about wanting to be a
white kid yeah
he’s not white that’s
right well i mean that’s kind of
ridiculous you hear that bitches that’s called a slurp
people go i hate when you make that
slurping noise
can’t you turn your
microphone off
just fucking deal with it man
when i was listening
to episode number one in the car that was another
thing that the mic
sucks so bad there was parts
where things were
dropping and just blew your
speakers out
that’s pretty
annoying you know one
thing i didn’t know is
a lot of people
say why do you
stitch her i had no idea
i talked to the president recently and we were talking
about the whole incident and
stuff like that
the incident
the rss incidents
we had a beer and
you know he said a lot of
things that i had no idea that
stitcher did and one
thing was that
stitcher normalizes the
whole audio
so when there’s big loud
bursts and stuff like that
which is what we
should be doing we
should be doing
we actually used to do that
but it made the audio too
quiet because
for some reason i don’t know i’m not an
audio engineer but it didn’t work right
yeah we need compression
i heard that compression
was actually not the way to go though a lot of
audio engineers that work at
radio stations here
in la actually told me that that’s not the way to go is
to use software post
who knows post yeah but then you
have to edit it you have to put it through post before
well i think it’s just a plug in
in what the program i use which is
logic and it automatically just does that
right but you have to run it
through the program meaning you can’t do it live right
right they’re doing it live
yeah they’re doing it live and i
guess there’s
by saying there i’m talking
about the adam corral show
i have podcast envy
i went to his
setup it’s so dope
i mean there’s something cool
about that you and i
just chilling in my office
right we always do
it this way it’s either in your office or in my office
right that’s
where we do it
there’s something cool
about that but
his setups pretty fucking sweet
yeah except
he’s doing a
radio show you actually got
one of the same mics that he used as
i guess mark mehron
and him both used and we
tried it out and didn’t
sound as good
well ours is a lot louder
but i think a part of that is
this show is
a little more unstructured so there’s people
leaning back and yelling and
stuff like that there’s not really any of that
going on in marin show
and there’s not really any of that
going on the corolla show you
know i think
for our purposes
these are better
do you listen to any podcast
besides you know
or do you listen to
here and there i listen to disinfo
i listen to
psychedelic salon
psychedelic
salon is kind
of cool because it’s a podcast but really it’s a
bunch of old
audio recordings
like old terrence
mckenna recordings
or you know
stuff like that so i listen to that stuff but
honestly i try to listen to the news or
i listen to talk radio
for two reasons
one you know to see if there’s anybody that i
agree with and two to see
if there’s anybody that’s just
completely out to launch
like i listen to
patriot on sirius
satellite radio
the reason why i
listen to it
it’s all fucking
bananas it’s all
these crazy assholes that want to
bury gold and
they’re ready for the
whole thing to come
tumbling down they got their guns
ready and this is
obama what he’s trying to do with this eric andre
you know it’s
those guys you don’t fall for that shit that
doesn’t get
in the back of your head like oh my god you’re
right we need to collect gold and
no you don’t you don’t follow
come on man i
think if the shit hits the fan
gold’s not what we’re
gonna need we’re
gonna need bullets and gasoline that’s what i think
bullets gasoline
guns places to stay
somewhere you go
where there’s no radiation
when the shit hits the fan there’s so many
human beings have devised
so many ways to fuck each other up
that if something
ever really chaotic happened at this
point in time
where we really went into like nuclear
warfare man
golden can help you dog
every time i’m away from la
this is the reason
one of the things that
maybe we should
leave la someday
because every time i’m away from la like i was
out of town this weekend and when i was away i was like
now’s a good time if shit was to happen
this would be a good time because
i’m kind of
out of the crowd i
could escape easier you know
cause there’s not a
whole bunch of traffic and soul vein and like
i think i have like a
whole suitcase of shit i have my computers and
stuff like i
think at a certain
point in time it becomes
completely unnecessary to be in such a
large group of people
the only benefit
of it is that because there’s so many people
you’re gonna get and
especially because it’s such a like
a desired area
you get a lot of fascinating people here
yeah and like if you
moved to denver like what are you
gonna do with the podcast
fly freddy lockhart
out on a plane
i don’t know
i think what i
could do is
there’s three comedy clubs in denver
there’s two comedy works and there’s one improv
i could talk to the people that are coming in for that
i can interview them make it like a
radio show kind of yeah there’s
local comics there’s a
strong local
comic scene
in denver so i
could always
have those guys come on
and we could do skype too i did
ariel hawani his
mma show i did it yesterday
and i did it through skype
it’s pretty badass man how did it
sound it sounds
he sounds great
i used that
stupid blue
snowball microphone
the only thing that’s kind
of fucked though is that you can’t hear your own voice
right and there’s ways to set it up that you
could definitely
you could use
these mics yeah
as an example yeah and if i had it set up like this
like in like if i had it set up like this in
colorado and you had it set up like this in
california and we just skyped it together
we could do a podcast it’d be pretty easy
once i show you how
sweet colorado is you’re gonna
wanna move to yeah
but there’s not
as many of your type of girls out there yeah
i know you’d have to change your standards
yeah i think
yeah what would
i don’t know that i’m
hippie is just this wet
smuzzly there
right like people that are working out and hippie
yes boulder’s a lot of that boulder’s hippie
and boulder’s people that are in really good
shape right
no one wears makeup
no one looks like a whore yeah
and that’s kind of a bummer
gonna have to get the girl pregnant
or something there’s not a lot of girls
like the ones that you’re around all the time in
california there’s not a lot that’s very rare for the
whole world
yeah well that’s
you know i go ups and downs you know my dating is not
it’s it’s it’s like a
stock market graph is
you know it’s like i don’t really look for
what i understand
but what i’m
saying is living in los angeles is giving you access
to these girls why
leave that that’s
worth it that’s worth
it going at
least you die with a heart on
you can find hot chicks in
colorado they’re just not gonna
be quite so needy yeah
it’s fucked up you know ever
since i got in this relationship i already see my
stand up going away
just like how it always does
it’s like hey do you want to have
sex and hang out with this hot girl or do you want to
stand up and hang out with four guys that you
yeah barely now you got a
tricky situation because if you really want to do
stand up you can’t just do it half
hour during my shows or half
hours right
so i’m making myself good at
night but i’m you know i
haven’t been writing because when i’m you know
i’m not writing as much either yeah you’re weak weak
you just give in
but it’s easy to do man i did that when i was in high
school yeah
i said a whole joke about it
about how when i was in high school
i played baseball
i did all these
sports until i
started getting laid
and then i was like
whatever with all that
other stuff
my parents like what
about baseball might
yeah from this new thing
i think i like it more
right you know like once you
start having sex like
like why am i playing baseball yeah
that shit’s boring
yeah i was have you you don’t have your
first set on tape do you no no
do you yeah i
watched it the
other day it’s awful
it’s horrible what sucks is
just everything sucks do you like the new ones though
i like the new ones definitely
it’s definitely
like before
you could see the nervousness on
stage and i mean this was 2003 or whatever but
it was gross i can’t even
fucking imagine
it’s hard to
watch my my sets from like last
night even if i killed
it’s still weird you know
it’s hard even
if you’re killing but man if you’re not killing
oh it’s painful so painful yeah
stand up you
gotta figure out bro
if you really
wanna do it
cause if you really
wanna do it there’s only one way to do it you
gotta go gang busters you
gotta like put together an act
you got a rare opportunity man
you’re on the
road with me all the time so you get to do
these sets in
front of these
giant crowds i guess
how i look at
standup is more as
i enjoy doing it kind of like i
like doing it playing baseball you know i like bowling
but i guess i’m not looking as it in a career wise
and i don’t
think i ever wanted to do it as a career
i think i think
if anything it’s just a workout for this podcast even
to make you more comfortable yeah
just more comfortable
and you know
thinking of
funny ideas and
just being creative
you know because if i’m not doing this then i’m
painting if i have to be doing something and now
right now it’s just
you just have so much and you need to get out yeah
right shrooms really
is nice to reset that though you need to shroom
yeah soon man
it’s it’s i
stream like
the other day and it’s
it wasn’t the best one
but it definitely just
opens up how you look at
everything so
reset yeah definitely
resetting i do that
every time i get in the tank
yeah thanks a big
reset you need to try that
but yeah any any
any opportunity that you have to
just fucking just step outside of the whole
thing and just
relax and let’s
take a look at this let’s assess this you
know from an even position
so many times in life man you’re just on momentum
right you know
and every one step from the next is like there’s
something pushing behind you and you just keep moving
have you ever forgot to
take off a condom
after sex like not le
who no like
sometimes you know
like all have sex in like
then you know when i come and then i’ll take the condom
throw away put a new condom on so i can continue
and then not come
again but i forget i have
that condom on you’re getting way too personal i know
i was trying to
clean it up a little bit but
i was srooming and then i went to go piss
and i’m sitting there going
and i’m like
waving it into
the condom yeah i didn’t know what the condom
was on and i didn’t hear the
water and i’m like what the fuck you
might be the laziest
motherfucker i’ve ever met in my life but when you’re
so lazy you can’t even take your condom off to pee
but you know
what’s cram
be bothered
you never know
way down there
no i didn’t know it was on there but it’s
crazy how much pee
comes out so fast because it was like a full balloon
when i look down
and the first
thing you do
the fuck does it stay on your dick i don’t know
it stayed on pretty i
guess pussy just
dried or something i don’t know
but what’s crazy your first
thing to do is like holy shit and so i just kind of
pulled it off
in the weight of the
pee dropped into the toilet and just start
spraying out back out of the toilet and it would piss
everywhere oh
god fucking that
doesn’t even make
sense how does that condom stay on you
while you’re pissing it did
it didn’t it didn’t fall off
a lube did you use i didn’t
you know i did use i
think i might have had some
flesh lube around
no i didn’t no i was at the no i didn’t
so just whatever lube was on the condom yeah yeah
wow that’s fucked up tight
condom it was a tight condom that’s
ridiculous did you go over your balls huh
that’s a no joke a friend of mine
amir geelong
um fuck what i forget what his fake name was he
used to have a fake name that he used to use on stage i
forget what his name was
but anyway he had this joke
about the first time
my first time put on a condom
is really tight
got back from the bathroom the girl was
laughing at me i was like this fucking painful why you
laughing she goes
doesn’t have to go over your balls
fucking idiot
he had a bunch of
great jokes
his other one yeah
my friend got his
girlfriend pregnant they were having anal sex
the baby looks like shit
this is so stupid but
fuck anyway
you’re so lazy you don’t take off your no i just
forgot i was shrooming having sex ever feel like an
incredibly lazy person though do you ever like look at
some of the shit that you say um
like lazy in general in life
yeah just like
i always think i have some kind of like if i
i got my thyroid
check but and it was fine but i always
think that i always have had some kind of like
you know i’m always
feel like i need
speed like i need something like when i
drink so much coffee it
doesn’t feel like it does anything are you do you
think you have add
or something like that
or are you one of
those fucking
buckle up republican guys there is no add
when i was a kid they were just nutty
they were just nutty kids they’re not diseased
now stop coddling em
no i probably
think it’s cause i just don’t work
out i don’t do shit like that that my body’s just in
fifth grader you need to slow right
your body yeah you
need to kick your body and you have all this humping
should be doing something for you
yeah should not be firing
up your fucking testosterone banks bang bang bang yeah
no yeah sure i don’t know
what were we talking about
we’re talking
about you being lazy as fuck yeah i i i
think it’s either exercise or it’s probably
some kind of
deficiency of some kind probably that i i need like
well i know that
i know friends that are on that adderall shit and they
said oh i needed it to concentrate and
okay i guess but it’s speed
you know i can’t
think you’re
gonna last very long on
speed yeah you know i don’t like what it feels like
i have a cup of coffee during the podcast
and one cup of coffee is fine
but if i have two cups of coffee during the podcast
after the podcast is over i feel all amped up
i feel like ugh
see i don’t i don’t feel shitty
really i don’t feel that at all the only
thing like like
there’s a lot of energy no it
doesn’t work but what i do notice is that i clinch
when i when
instead of feeling that energy i’ll find myself like
were you clenching my
teeth really
hard i don’t know
out of nowhere
i do it all
the time i noticed on the way home yesterday
cause i had two cups of coffee here yesterday
and i noticed i was driving i’m like
why am i clenching my teeth
like i don’t know what it is
like it’s like it’s all
going to my jaw
dude you’ve got to be one of the weirdest
motherfuckers i’ve ever met
i do it all the time if you if you look back at old you
streams you’ll see like this line on my
i do this i bite my
cheek and are you
thinking about anything when you’re doing it
doing it i’m just like clean like
you have this energy that you got to get out yeah my
mouth squeeze off around yeah
wow maybe you have some like
unaddressed energy issues
you know maybe if you like
started doing something like like
throwing the discus
or something
like really physical
like maybe you
would like feel much better i’ve been trying this xbox
dance game unconnected
it works pretty good
oh that shit
when are they
gonna have some sort of a martial arts game
where like a
robot does certain moves and you can kick it
you know like
it like moves forward and you can leg kick it it moves
forward you
punch it it
doesn’t have to do much
i think this is to be a
target i think this
kinect thing i don’t know if you know what
kinect is it’s like that webcam
thing that they
put you put on top of your tv
and it detects your body
it works i don’t know i
haven’t played that much but the games i’ve played
fucking badass it’s like
where you just
hold up your hand like you can do netflix we’re
streaming through
movies going like this with your hand moving it left or
right you’re
streaming through
movies and then if you want to pick one you
pull your hand out and grab it
and it’s kind of like whatever
minority report or whatever
but they have games too
where you don’t have any controllers anymore so
how accurate
is it how effective is it you know from what i
understand it’s not the best but i have
never noticed it not being accurate
i think it’s pretty accurate
so i’ve heard
the so as long as you’re not playing like a
first person
shooter or something
where you’d have i
think it’s good enough for that i
think it’s good
enough for that i
think it’s really
based on lighting and
clothing because
the girl i was
with was wearing a
dress and it couldn’t detect her
separate legs
so it was kind of fucking up
so she took off her
dress and then
it worked perfect
it’s a trick it wanted you to be a whore
exactly that’s what it is that’s right
that’s what i told her it’s because you have a
dress on too much
clothes on god what are you doing over here
that’s crazy so now what if you’re
using it as a
first person
shooter how do you pull triggers
see i don’t know i
haven’t played a
first person
shooter but what i
would imagine
i don’t know that’d be weird
yeah i don’t know how they’re
gonna do it
we can’t talk
about that one
thing but there is a
crazy first person
shooter that
we can’t talk
about something no no why
not because i don’t
think it’s known
somebody tell us this no
that the the
video that i showed you that
kevin pereira
might have showed us
oh right right
right right
right yeah yeah that’s all incognito
i don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about
yeah because you got to
think of a guy if you’re doing a
first person
shooter you got
got to deal with two
things one how
do you simulate movement like how do you go forward
you know you’re running how do you run forward
and how does the machine know you’re running back
yeah because you’re not moving forward though no
i think it’s
something to do with your hands like because with the
dance game it was like
you do something
like that that means forward you go like this and you
shake your hand to the
right that means you’re shooting
ideally what you
want is like a giant
dome or a ball
rather and you be inside that ball like a
hamster ball
right and that ball
you have like some sort of a 3d helmet on like
a complete you know
what is it virtual reality
complete virtual reality helmet on
and then you
would be walking around with this ball you
could walk in any direction
you know it
wouldn’t feel totally real
like you would kind of be realizing that you’re
on a ball and you’re
stuck in this you know in this
thing but that
would be i mean
other than that how the fuck else
could you simulate movement
unless you just did it
inside like the
virtual reality then it
wouldn’t be
virtual anymore
you’d have to do it inside like
put a program and then make make a program the
exact parameters of say an airplane hangar
right and then you have an
empty airplane
hangar and they walk around inside that hangar
yeah it’s all
wired and you
could do it that way but then that kind of
defeats the
whole purpose of
virtual reality
right yeah the idea is that you’re
supposed to be able to do it wherever you are yeah
would you ever go to burning man
no why not too many hippies
too many hippies
i learned about hippies when i
moved to boulder
i like them in theory yeah
i like them in theory
i don’t i don’t
like a lot of people that are asking for
money all the time i find that shit be very annoying
i don’t like
people playing shitty songs and wanting a dollar
right you know
for the most part they’re cool but
you know there’s just
there’s too much
of that hippie movement that wants people to help them
you know and
this is how i feel
about that if i felt like
everybody was on the ball and everybody was doing
their best and
you know i’m a
generous person and i
think one of the
things about being
generous is
if you have the opportunity to do so
it feels really good to be generous
especially if it
doesn’t affect you it’s not like you’re being
generous and it’s hurting you
so i think it’s important but
in passing say you’re passing love to the left
and there’s a big circle of people man
the real problem is there’s a lot of fucking people
that never keep passing
the love they take it and then they walk away you know
there’s some people that are always there for you
there’s some people
and they’re doing
their best and they’re they’re they’re living
their life and you’re doing
your best you’re living life and you’re helping each
other and you hey man can i borrow
your truck i
gotta move fuck yeah
man come on over dude anytime you got my shit you know
you know we’re friends you help me i help you
we’re all together but we all know
those the few people that they don’t
contribute they always need something and they don’t
contribute and my
experience that’s my
experience with hippies
that’s my experience with
lot of people that you know
are like really into like socialist ideals
a lot of it is because
they’re fucking lazy man
they’re fucking lazy and
they don’t work that hard and they don’t do their part
and they somehow or another feel like the whole
system is unfair man
which fuck yeah of course it is of course it’s unfair
of course it’s corrupt of
course it’s fucked up but that’s not why you’re a loser
there’s a lot of people that aren’t losers
most people are losers
cause they’re lazy as shit
and they wanna
blame other people for that and they
wanna blame society and they
wanna blame
look society is
completely fucked but
guess what it’s
not like this one person that makes it fuck the
whole thing is
it’s fuck cause it’s on a
foundation of bullshit
it doesn’t make any
sense but knowing that
you see what it is
make your path
make your path
figure out something that you can do to feed yourself
okay figure out something you can
do to put a roof over your head just figure it out man
fucking figure it out
it doesn’t mean you have to be a fucking asshole to be
successful doesn’t mean you have to be a part of the
system man no just
stop asking people for
money stop being a fucking mooch
get your shit together okay
that’s my problem with hippies
my problem with hippies is
part of the
whole idea of being a hippies
being like really nice and being really relaxed
and sometimes life does not call for that
sometimes life calls for you
gotta get off your fucking ass
and make something happen man
yeah you know
there’s a lot i had a friend who
his girlfriend
was having a baby this is many many years ago
and i had a
fucking scream at this guy this guy was unemployed
and he was like you would
he couldn’t get his shit together
he couldn’t make something
happen he was trying to be a comedian for a while
that didn’t work out
and then he was trying to do some
other stuff
trying to do some
radio and a
bunch of and we had this conversation and i’m like man
you gotta realize you’re
gonna become that fucking guy
you’re gonna become that
unbelievably pathetic guy who can’t feed his kids
right you gotta fucking do something man you
gotta make something happen
and you know it’s not
hey you know we really need some food you
think you could help us
that’s the hippie
approach to go to people and
you gotta make your own fucking way you
gotta make your own way
and that was my problem with boulder
and that would
ultimately i’m sure it’d be my problem with portland
it’s a bit of my problem with san francisco and it’s
not that i’m not a kind person i’m a very kind person
but i recognize the difference between
someone who’s in need and someone who’s fucking lazy
and there’s a lot of people that are just weak
they’re weak as shit man and they have
no philosophy to live
their life by they have no
discipline that
they’ve developed over years of trying to accomplish
things to the
point where they have this sense
of personal
sovereignty they can take care of themselves and
occasionally everybody needs help
but if somebody will help you if they
know that you’re the type of person that will help them
and if you know
that you’re the type of person that does
their best what
drives me nuts is when
someone wants help
like motherfucker
you’re not even helping yourself
like look what you’re doing for yourself
and you want someone
else to step in and manage your fucking situation
that’s ridiculous man
that’s that’s
that is the number one problem with the whole idea
of everyone together man
the real problem is that everyone
doesn’t do their fucking part man
that’s the real problem
there’s a lot of lazy bitches in this world
yeah the reason why i was asking
about burning man is i
often thought the same
thing like fuck hippies
you know because i’ve been there done that i hate it
you know i hated
the people to that the lazy if there’s good there’s
great hippies
there’s legit hippies
right but i hung out with bad hippies they got bad you
like everything else it’s like mma fans
you know i have a lot of friends that are
mma fans i have friends have
graduated from harvard
friends that are fucking i know guys who are scientists
the guy who created
beavis and butthead mike judge huge
mma fan there’s a lot of intelligent
mma fans yeah
but then there’s a lot of
idiots yeah
but i was looking at
these videos lately cause the girl goes
every year or whatever
and so there is some fucking cool shit
going on at burning man i’m sure like
and i guess you can rent
these big rvs you know and that’s the way to do it so
they have your rv don’t like live in a tent or whatever
they have showers and stuff
but there’s this
thing called i don’t know if you ever
heard of it
they’re called
let’s see what are they called
her most shit
it’s zero tropes have you
heard of a zero trope
zero trope i’m
sorry zoe trope
zoe trope z o e
t r o p e what it is
is it’s like a carousel type
thing like a
merry go round
and each kind of
a couple feet there’s
a draw or there’s some kind of
sculpture like it’s like a monkey
hanging from
a vine and then the next one like
three feet over
is the same
monkey but it’s kind of
changing a little you
know so when it turns
and you have a
flashing light that just
flashes at a certain rate oh
wow it looks like the
monkeys are moving
so it’s in the
middle of this desert and there’s like they have these
statues of like people diving
down into the ground that just melt into the ground
they have like
these monkey
that are spinning
check this out
right here here’s here’s the
here’s a monkey one
i don’t know if you can see this
here’s a monkey oh that is badass and
it’s fucking trippy
so anyways so basically
they’ve done is animation animation yeah
and just like the old claymation
models i used to use for
king kong and shit
or like an old flip book
where you draw
on a flip pic and you flip it through that’s badass man
i’m down with the artistic end of it
i’m down with
the whole idea of
all these artists getting together and doing cool shit
i just think there’d be a lot of
stinky people
i just wonder why i don’t know or
maybe they have why
doesn’t a collection
of people like yourself
do a comedy show
while they’re there
cause that is
huge no i’d rather not perform there
if i was gonna go there
i’d just wanna hang out have
fun well i mean you can
hang out before
and imagine performing once
like a woodstock of comedy
psychedelic comedy
there would be so much mushrooms and so much
everything else
going around
i would be too fucked up
i wouldn’t want to be talking on
stage through a microphone
that’s the last
thing you want to do when you’re on
shrooms oh i mean yeah you just don’t do shrooms that
hour and a half two
hours yeah i
think if you’re there you just want to
experience it that’s what i
would want to
do yeah i perform enough man i perform plenty
you know i think
freddy soto used to say this
back in the day you
know people used to offer freddie gigs at like bars and
stuff like that is in his like
no thank you i
appreciate it but i only do comedy clubs man that’s it
and that was his he just is like it’s not
worth it man you go to
these bars and everyone’s talking and
you can’t do your act
right you rush it because you’re trying to get
their attention
he was totally right
you know he’s totally right
that’s kind of how i am right now
i only do shows i’ll do
here’s my show i’m doing
it i’m at this theater come see me i’m at this comedy
club come and then
there’s no problems there’s no hassles it is what it is
but if you’re just
two in a fucking like you’re in a tent with some
speakers and you’re on this
stage and all
these people are all
they’re all fucked out of
their minds you know why
should they pay attention to you they shouldn’t
you would feel
illegitimate
standing there
asking them to if you knew that everyone in the
crowd was on mushrooms
you would have nothing to say
unless i’m on mushrooms too what am i
gonna tell you guys
i’m not gonna tell you shit man
you’re communicating with
the alien overlords right now
these beings that have come on asteroids and
their spores have infested this earth
you’re communicating with them through eating them
what i’m gonna tell you some stupid
dick joke yeah you’re pretty pretty
known for being a psychic
psychedelic
speaker i mean
you always do the marijuana shows here in town and
stuff like that for
the same reason to the same kind of people yeah but i
think part of
being into psychedelics and
understanding
psychedelics and have had
psychedelic
experiences it sort of negates
any idea of you
wanting that sort of attention
like doing a show
like when you’re doing a show
the beautiful thing
about a show is that people
enjoy and they have
a good fucking time they come see a comedy show but
that’s not what you want to do when you’re
jazzed out of your head
if you’re on
psychedelics
you don’t wanna go see a comedy show
i don’t wanna see anything
structured i certainly don’t want
someone on stage
forcing there
there’s a lot of
things you say on
stage in a comedy show
that’s just to get a laugh
you know that’s what it’s there for it’s there
to spice up the show to have more fun
and those things will
stand out like
like fucking wet shits in your
underwear they just like
oh what’s this
if you’re on mushrooms
every like jokey joke that you have will just be like
bring doug benson some
black lights and some body
paint might be a good time
doug benson
would just be hugging girls hi you can have a hug too
can we have a hug i’ve
never met anybody
who’s high more consistently than doug benson
yeah every now and then he’ll send me a
tweet you’re high
right now aren’t you a text message you’re high
right now aren’t you
like i know you are
motherfucker it’s so
funny because i
never knew that was real
like when i first
met really when i
first met doug i thought the
whole marijuana
thing was kind of like
an act kind of like an andrew dice clay kind of like
you know like he was doing i mean he
might have smoked weed but i didn’t
think he was
the crazy stoner and
just after hanging out with him that
first night
oh fuck yeah immediately he’s like
every five minutes hey let’s go back to your
hotel room and
smoke some another joint
yeah he those guys like to
go deep man there’s there’s some dudes who go real deep
those guys in involved in the medical marijuana like
those those look like normal and
those guys go so deep
we were not normal but
the cannabis cup that was
the deepest that i’ve ever been there was on melrose
in hollywood
i was one of the judges
and it was at a head shop
and they closed the head shop down they
papered up the window so no one
could see inside
they put a doorman in the back locked the front
and then they turned the
whole thing into this cannabis cup party
really fucking bold move man
because they did this shit in the middle of hollywood
and the place was just
filled with weed
i mean it was
unbelievable and no one stopped they just kept
going deeper and deeper and deeper
until i left
there i went to get something to eat i was like
there’s no way i can
drive home right now
i just got to hang out for a few
hours i had to hang out
i mean most of the time when you’re high
driving is not an issue
because driving
is not any more complicated than walking
you know i mean
as long as you’re not smoking indica
as long as you’re not smoking some dopey weed you know
if you’re driving and you’re high you know just
be extra careful
watch what you’re doing it
doesn’t affect your hand eye coordination i mean i do
jiu jitsu on weed i
kickboxing weed is not a problem but
but i was so high then i was like no fucking way man
there’s no way i’m
gonna drive this
thing and risk not being in control of my senses
i’m gonna have a cup of coffee
and have some
food and just fucking sit back and read my cell
phone for a little bit
go over my notes
i’ll sit down for a bit before i drive home
it was too stupid
because like you get to a certain point
when people are like everybody’s handing you cookies
here’s a vaporizer bag hit this
this is a new blunt
paper that are developed hit that
and everyone’s passing joints left to
right it’s like a
never ending
like a cyclone
of joints getting passed around it was fucking
ridiculous but you get to this
point where
you’re not even high anymore it’s not like you’re
high anymore it’s like you’re not there it’s like
you were in a room
and the room has one window and it’s a circular window
and the room is like four
by four wide you can’t even move it’s not even a toilet
it’s just you you in that room in that circular window
and that circle
window is now how you view the rest of the world
you’re looking out that window
going what the fuck is
going on out there
cause this is crazy
i don’t even know what’s happening out there
that’s what it’s like it’s like you’re detached
from the world you’re so high
you’re detached
you know but
those things if
anybody ever wanted like
some sort of argument
against the
cause right
go to one of
those cannabis cups man
the good thing is man everybody is friendly as fuck
i’ve been to
shit a hundred medical marijuana shows or you know
parties or parties at the playboy mansion
i’ve never seen so much as an argument
never seen a raised voice
yeah never seen a push
never seen anybody get
crazy not even girls you know
i mean every time you go out some girl will be
talking shit to some other girl
everywhere in
vegas and la anywhere so
if you stay around the
night long enough and pay attention you’re
gonna hear some girl yell at some girl
right yeah totally but not in
those weed shows
those weed shows everybody is just so nice
it’s just people if people really realize what it
could do for you
you know so many people like i have a friend who’s like
super organized and like he’s like
really ambitious and
he produces
television shows like
a real go getter very nice guy
and but he’s so anal and
just fucking
wound up about shit he only wears black
he won’t wear anything other than
black oh really his whole
out like you open up his wardrobe it’s black
shirt is it
weird when somebody does that or
would they only wear the
white t shirt like john cap
caparella it’s that his name
do that he only wears
white t shirt
you know like every day
that’s like his outfit yeah
uniform when he goes
to work yeah does he
wear it like when he goes out on dates only that white
t shirt that i don’t know but there’s
definitely a
jask amount of dates what’s up
vagina for me
well yeah but
like there is people like that that like only wear
certain things like
well this dude isn’t just in badly in need of a joint
i keep telling him i go dude just
trust me man just trust me
just try a little weed
it’ll help you relax
like you’re a good guy you got a lot of good
things going on
you just need a little
fresh perspective man and that’s totally true look
you had a live
proofing the
other day on that podcast 98
it was like you just need to
smoke weed immediately
after smoking weed
everything was great
you know podcast 98
aka the disaster
the disaster
brian whitaker
apparently is very
upset with the depictions of him
on that podcast
tweeting mean
things to you yeah he
started attacking me on twitter just like today
it’s like dude
all right the
thing i’m saying is
i’m trying to
make sure that people that
are at home
can listen to this podcast
and understand what’s
going on instead of having a million people
talking at once there’s
no attack on you i understand
what you’re saying so for the people that don’t know
about that podcast and it’s not
worth listening to it wasn’t a good one but
there was just
he just had an
issue where he didn’t know how to
be on a podcast he didn’t know that you can’t talk
while other people are talking
right and it wasn’t you know
he didn’t have a chance to
prepare he just
got thrown into it you know he didn’t even know he was
gonna be doing it
we’ve talked
about him too much
we have talked
about he’s a good dude he’s just
so they’re doing his
thing and it’s hard out there for a pimp
yeah but at
least it’s easier when you work at the improv
you know you get stage time
is that your dig
is that your last dig at him
because he had to
get you you get a lot of people
that hate on you man of course i’ve always had that
ever since i
started talking to you i’ve been getting haters
you start talking to me
yeah man people don’t
respect the red band yeah
cause people
well whenever you do something i mean even
you do comedy people look at it and god looks so easy i
could do that too and you ain’t even
funny i could fucking do that
then you know they look at you and
was you know how to make edit some
videos or something fucking i can do that too
you know they just
they look at
someone who’s in a nice spot and i
think what the fuck why isn’t that me you know
it’s hard to not be jealous man there’s some
some ingrained shit i see with my kids
it’s really interesting the
three year old and the one year old
i sometimes a
three year old
would get upset at the one year old if
the one year old getting too much attention she’ll take
things from her and
stuff and it’s like
they just it’s just nature
nature wants you you
wanna collect all that love
that’s why people develop
great personalities they develop
great personalities
cause they realize somewhere
along the line
with rewards
is that when you have a
great personality the reward is people are
always nice to you you get all this nice energy people
wanna be around you
that’s the reason why
great personalities get invented
because people become whores for
other people’s love
i mean that’s really what it is i mean
it’s a beautiful
thing in both ways
but really the root of it all is that people
really want positive attention
so when you see like little jealousy
and like little kids and then you see jealousy and like
grown adults
you know you see like really
petty shit and haters and
i love to go on like
those gossip blogs
you know and just just to read i don’t even know who
these people are
you know but
someone will you know to be someone from the bachelor
or someone from some i just like to read the comments
just i don’t even know what the fuck the
story’s about
half the time he can’t pay
his baby and you
have mom and they’re in
court whatever whatever what’s
going on in the comments
and i go down in the comments and it just
hates yeah it is
hate evilness
and it’s ridiculous because when people
the biggest
thing is like if it wasn’t for rogan
this and that
i’m like yeah
if it wasn’t
for rogan he saw my work he liked what i did
he hired talking
about me like i’m not even here
i know but what is like a company like nbc
like jay leno should
people are mad at jay like if it wasn’t for nbc you
would be nobody you know
it’s me getting
jo sing my work and then hiring me i got a job
it’s really simple he’s an artist hello
he’s an artist and he was creating
things that i thought were very
worthwhile and so i hired him
it’s really simple pretty easy
and people that
you know there’s a
weird dynamic
people like you know
how are you guys friends you guys are so different like
you don’t have to be the
same as your fucking friends man that’s that’s silly
right you know if everyone was the same then you know
i’ll be running around saying the same shit and cock
blocking each
other listen apollo abdul
opposite to track
is that what you said i think
opposite to
i heard forever you girl the
other day forever
you i miss the
music on the podcast joe
yeah i do too man we can’t
do that shit anymore the serious serious deal is signed
ladies and gentlemen
yeah it’s all done i mean i
haven’t written my name on it they did
just tell yeah but i’m gonna i’m
gonna so we’re
gonna have it on serious it’ll be
twelve episodes we have to get
ready we have to pull
music if we have
music on we have to
check them over
every doing like
episodes we’re gonna
send them twelve
episodes that we’ve ever done accident not twelve
what’s what’s your five top five that you’ve ever top
five well my number one favorite just
just for sheer far out factors always duncan
duncan’s my favorite because
duncan’s just so fucking weird
and like when he
starts chanting buddhist mantras and talking to you
about the bhagavad gita and
you know and he just gets me going man
duncan and i and he
doesn’t have
these conversations he says with anybody else either
like he and
he and i will have just this
weird chemistry
when we get together it’s all
crazy talk the
other day i called him up
called him up yesterday
because i said hey we’re doing the 100 podcast
today you know
maybe you want to
like walk in like halfway in and sit down with us i was
thinking like
maybe that would be cool to have like
guests come over
while we’re doing it
right and he goes i
would love to become he’s
the middle of this show that he’s putting together
and he goes i did the mushrooms last night man
i was surrounded by
elves i have so much to talk to you about
yeah i was scared of fucking he was
surrounded he said i was surrounded by
elves he said i did more mushrooms than i’ve ever done
i was surrounded by el so duncan’s
gonna be in the podcast next week
and he’s gonna tell us this whole
this whole thing
and you recently
went truman up in
so northern california
sylvain it’s like
north of santa barbara
wouldn’t the
world be a better
place if people
just did that if they had retreats you know instead of
going i mean even have
these wine tasting retreats how about
right next to
the wine tasting retreats a mushroom retreat yeah
go there everybody’s
gonna be nice to you it’s all soothing
sounds and you
you know you’re in a comfortable room and
the shaman are all experienced
everybody who works there is professional
you know you pay a couple hundred
bucks a day or whatever the hell you do and you just
castoff it’s pretty amazing how much better wine
tastes when it’s at the vineyard i don’t know why
because it’s all the same it’s modeled
you know is it well
the ones who
offer the tours
are they like
really known
labels yeah oh yeah
these are like the big dogs
like these are
do you remember the names i don’t remember anything
i don’t buy i used to
buy wine by the bottle
like if it’s got a cool bottle
i’ll buy it really yeah
there’s kinds of wines i like
like more lows
you know shit like that
but i just usually go by the bottle like oh that’s a
crazy cat on that
you know yeah i
never used to go
if i was on a date perhaps
back in the day i
would order a
glass of wine or a bottle of wine but i
would never
order a glass of wine
while i was eating dinner
but now i do all the time
i do all the time
i like a nice
strong red wine with like a
steak it just
tastes better it’s like this little
you know this is
thing the flavor is all combining
and as i’ve gotten like
matt lichtenberg my buddy
is a huge wine fanatic he’s like
he’s a wine geek
i mean he has this
crazy wine cellar
in his home with some insane amount of
money worth of wine in it and
he’s one of
those guys that can
tell you why a wine is good and what year it’s good and
you know what what part of the country it comes from
and all that kind of shit
and when when
you’re around a guy like that and they know so much
about why then you
start to sort of
appreciate it like okay this is some weird
tasting art form
it’s like they’re trying to create this ultimate
taste and it’s a very specific taste
and if you’re not it’s a
weird thing like the
whole idea of acquired
taste i used to
think that was so
stupid like why
would you acquire a
taste for something like caviar
the fucking
stuff you know it’s
super expensive and
it really kind of
tastes like shit when you
first take it
why wouldn’t you just
okay it tastes like shit forever and this is what it is
i don’t have to
worry about it anymore
but no people get into it and then they
start getting
more and more expensive
tastes and you’re getting
stuff that’s thousands and thousands of dollars for
these salty fucking
stupid fish eggs
well wine is kind of like that too
and that like the
first time you try wine like
when you’re
like a little kid or something like who the fuck
would get into that
but when you really like
get a nice pinot noir
and a delicious steak
and you’re cut into that steak
and then you have a sip of the wine like ah
all the flavors together
takes a while to
appreciate it
but knowing someone who knows as much
about wine as i do
i mean he tells me so much about
you know it’s all
about how they put it in
what kind of barrels they use to
store it and how they
store it and how long they
store it and
how long has it been bottled for and
it’s pretty amazing
one of the wineries
i went to they did cheese pairings
which is cool because
you never you
think okay they’re
gonna mix this cheese with this wine yeah it’s
gonna just taste like
cheese now if i
still use the word faggot
which i don’t
i might throw it at you
right there i’m being honest
yeah i like
cheese you like cheese i do too you like wine i do i
listen it just
sounds fruity tooty
yeah it does
say i went to a cheese
pairing more
wine tasting dude you
you know how wet that
pussy gets when you’re
going to a wine and
cheese tasting that’s the most
ridiculous wet
pussy you’ve ever had
cause they feel normal
for the first time in
their life like act normal
brian’s a good guy he’s not taking me to see poison
in concert that’s
right he’s taking me to
the motel sticks
it’s a wine tasting
in the middle of
northern california he’s an amazing guy that’s cool
you know what
but you went for the fun of it you didn’t win
it was more like hey
wanna get away not
no internet no work
what’s it like up there it’s beautiful dude
crazy mountains
there’s this huge lake at one
point i forget the name of it
north of santa barbara
is this humongous lake
where it’s just
best fishing
are there families up there or is it just
i saw families
i saw families but it’s a lot of bed and breakfast
is a lot of nice historic old hotels
you know that that you go in and there’s just like
every rooms unique that’s what we stayed at like this
place called
peterson at the inn or the innette peterson
is this near
sani unez yes
yes right next to
the tom leicas used to always
rant and rave
about that man it’s amazing
there was ostrich farms
where it was just huge fields
of ostriches
running around you can go there and get like ostrich
eggs and like hang out with ostriches but they’re
running around they look like dinosaurs they look like
it’s amazing man i
highly recommend if you just want to weekend
out out of la
take the kids go to some farms
it’s pretty relaxing
ostriches are
creepy as fuck man yeah all birds are creepy as fuck
yeah you know i’ve been joking around
about it about you know
in my act a little bit
about the mass bird
deaths that happened
about how birds
are really dinosaurs that survived but they really are
i mean that’s that’s
the closest relative to the dinosaur is the bird
and an ostrich
is a fucking dinosaur it’s a big ass
weird looking dinosaur
yeah with the
taste delicious
you ever get the ostrich
burger fuddr
burgers yes woo
strong right
buy me a coke yeah i’ll buy you coke
you gotta have it rare though don’t be a pussy
you don’t have to worry
about mad cow with
those bitches just
get that shit rare fire that fucker up
feel that that
rare ostrich meat so delicious man yeah
it’s good stuff
would you go camping here in la
tent camping
shit now we go camping
where i can drive home
the only time i go camping is that i’m too far away to
drive home and if i have guns on me
i’m going hunting with
ricky schroeder are you really yeah we’re
going we’re
going to this
ranch where you
could shoot boar
and they even have bison at this ranch
and it’s like you pay them
for whatever you shoot
and then you go out onto there they have this
giant hunk of property out near
riverside out near
san diego that way
and so i’m going
oh that’s cool man yeah i’ve been wanting to go for a
while i’m supposed to go hunting in
october with
randy couture
natural randy couture
we’re going
for a tv show
so before that i’m
gonna get some in with ricky
that guy loves hunting man
when i talked to him
about his eyes lit up and everything
he wants to come back on the podcast oh
i was gonna say
ricky to me was one of my favorites
my favorites
were always the out of nowhere people like the
ricky schroeder
or even kevin prayer i
think was one of my favorite ones of all time
kevin was awesome
rick has got some interesting
stuff going on
right now too man he just
got some serious skin cancer removed from his face are
you serious yeah
oh you gotta be
people walking around outside without sunscreen man be
fucking careful if you see some little mark on you man
people die from
weird skin little
things when you’re out there getting burnt you don’t
think it’s a big deal
and then you get melanoma
he had a big
chunk of his face removed man fuck he’s got a big scar
right on his temple did
you get checked a lot
yeah well i’m not at risk
because i’m
fairly dark skinned i get tan pretty
easily but i don’t fuck around the sun man
but he’s rick is
he’s pale you know he’s like
white like paper
you know you
gotta be careful
as fuck and he’s always out in the sun he’s like
mr outdoorsy you know he’s got this
giant piece of property
and he’s got property in colorado
ricky schroeder is an interesting guy man he’s a
super outdoorsman character he’s always out there like
chopping wood and shit and
getting things done he’s
like wishes he lives on a farm or something like that i
think growing up poor
yeah rather growing up super rich
and growing up rich and
famous from the time as
early as he
can remember he was a celebrity and he was rich
so he’s always had so much fucking
money that i think
he likes driving around pickup trucks
he likes like doing like manual
labor and shit like that
but when you do that you
gotta put your sunscreen on homie
yeah especially
california out here in this
fucking heat the sun constantly beating down on you
people get cancer you
gotta be careful i have a
bunch of moles i’m a very moldy
motherfucker
but my mom’s
had a few cut out and so really yeah so i recently went
because there’s this
one that i have on my back that always is like crunchy
know it’s like
you know it’s kind of it’s it’s like it’s not good
yeah it’s not good it’s not crunchy it just feels like
different than all the
other ones you know
and sometimes you know imagine if that was your problem
they pull that out and all
sudden boy you get
think clear and
fucking start
going to the gym
just that mold was like a little vampire
just sucking the life out of you so
i went there and she’s like no that’s fine it’s normal
and i’m like really
why is it no that’s just the kind it is or whatever
and then she showed me
pictures like if it ever looks like this
come back what’s in you
gotta look it’s
annie oakley
style look at your back
we’re exactly what the fuck is that about
what is it what
is it supposed to look like when it’s bad
it’s like it’s
like red around it it looks kind of like it
when she showed me was like oh yeah yeah that looks bad
you know not this
little little mole that’s a little flaky or whatever
yeah when are they
gonna fix that
moles can kill you
yeah keep a good eye on your mole because it
might be a bomb
yeah how are you supposed to see that i mean
yeah especially if you got it in a weird
place like what if he died of a mole that was like
right near your asshole
right who looks in
their asshole
yeah you know
i only look at assholes in
hotel rooms
that’s like
a girl’s asshole you look at a girl’s asshole if you’re
banging her
from behind but do you look at your own in a
hotel room yeah
cause that’s the only time
where there’s good
lighting and good
mirrors i’ll sit on the
counter and just fucking
spread open and go oh look at my butthole
really once in a
while you should
check it out just to look at it hmm
i mean when
was the last time you looked at your butthole
it’s been a long time exactly
what if you opened it up and there was this big purple
wait for signals from it
if it’s sending me signals saying there’s something
wrong constant itching
weird noises
then i’ll go
check it out
fucking itchy asshole have you ever had an itchy
asshole like
it for like a couple days it was non
ck bit it’s also a dane cook bit
that’s weird how dane cookie was
thinking that was
a very common joke
that does happen
i actually we’ve all had itchy assholes
i was thinking
about itchy assholes and i was like oh yeah that’s
right there’s like 3 000 jokes
about itchy assholes
yeah there’s
quite a few
i mean the issue with dane and
louis obviously was that
louis had done it
first but yeah
butthole jokes are
quite common
yeah if you
if you think
about a subject
and it’s an obvious
subject for a joke chances are someone’s already done
100 jokes on it
you know when i looked up the other day
i’m writing this
chapter in my book
and it has to do with porn
and so i was talking
about the moment
that i realized that the internet was taking porn to a
whole new level
was the moment
i forget who it was it
might have been duncan
sent me an email and the
email heading said home run
and then i opened up the
email and it
just said i love people in all capital letters
and a link so i
click the link
and it opens up it’s belladonna
on all fours with a baseball bat
stuffed in her asshole
i mean it’s
stuffed in there
fat end first
which i didn’t even
think was possible
and i remember
double facepalming like the home
alone kid and going
this bitch is just taking shit to another
level she stuffed the baseball
and then i thought about it
or is she taking it to another level
and i went and did a google search
and there’s two million
eight hundred thousand
hits for baseball bat in the ass yeah
it’s normal
and you know what
normal shit
no you know when she
when she did that she used to tweet about
that where she was stretching it out for like a
whole week like i got a big anal scene
you know and so she had like all
these butt plugs and she just
spent the week getting
ready for doing shit like that
you know she doesn’t do porn anymore i
heard i heard she retired
well she had that really sad interview
i don’t remember what it was for whether it was
nightline or one of those shows but
you know where they
they you know they made her feel bad
about it and you know and they
asked her you know what
happened to you how did you become this porn star and
they kind of like go over her past and shit like that
and then at the end she was like you
know i’m done i’m not doing this anymore and then they
found out afterwards she had done some more
movies after
the you know
after she said that all
right it was
weird was like
you know you kind of
wanted to root for her to get out of it and then she’s
still in it and it’s like
you know fucking
not everybody
could be a ballet
instructor okay
some some people are
gonna be porn stars and by the time they’re that
age where they’re gonna be porn stars
man the least of
their problems is fucking on film that’s the least of
their problems is that baseball in their ass that’s the
least their problems
the big problem is what
what have you
become that you’re letting someone put a baseball bat
in your ass what has happened to you to get you to this
point it’s not the bat itself that’s not the real issue
it’s who who are you
like what kind of a strange person are you
that you you know
you’ve got your asshole up in the air and there’s a
giant log in it a big fucking bat
and then there’s 2
million 800 000 hits of that always
yeah but then you also
think about it
if that only
is bad if you look if you
think it is bad
you know like
if i don’t think that’s good for anybody’s asshole
if it’s like hey i
could put yeah i know but
hey i could put a baseball bat
in my ass that
equals 20 000
okay do you think
they get paid that much
cause i don’t
think they do
no i don’t think they do either i
think it’s a couple
grand if they’re
lucky and i think that
might have been during the heyday
you know i think nowadays
you know those
girls were getting like half million dollar vivid deals
you remember i remember
hanging out with jenna
jameson’s husband and he was
a producer and he was giving me the whole
skinny on how much
money there is in the porn industry and this dude
you know he
had all the numbers and i was like that is incredible
like there was so much money
and then the internet came
along the internet just robbed them all
yeah sucked it all away and now i mean
how the fuck do you make
money now doing porn well i
think there’s
definitely still
money there it’s more
you just have to do more
like i know a lot of
these girls they’ll do like
a spanking video and make 500
then they’ll
do another video
later that day
where it’s just them
masturbating
and they get a thousand you know so it’s like
then you think
of it that way he’s like alright you just made 2 000
today and is it for a website is that what it’s
for most of
these are websites
you know fetish websites or you know exchanging content
i think that
the the weirdest
thing about
knowing all
these pornstars i
think the saddest
thing is not even what
how they got into it or that they
do it because i don’t have a problem with it is that
their future
because a lot of them don’t have it
an idea yeah once that they’re now
athletes yeah
they’re like
fighters i mean is that
where you go to
you know like a
truck stopper
is that really
older woman then you’re just like wow she used to be a
yeah you know playboy bunny
well you know
look this avenue
this internet avenue has opened up the door
to the point
where there’s way way way more porn stars than they’re
everywhere back in the day
you know and porn is so much more available
when i was a kid
the way you got porn was magazines
when i was a kid
vhss came out
while i was in high
school i remember
we got one it was like a big deal at our house
you know and
my dad had a couple
my stepfather had a couple
laying around the
house too and i got to watch
those two and i was like what the hell is this you
know to go from like
it never existed or
every now and then you saw a
magazine and the
weird thing
about those
magazines were
they had rules
so you’d buy a porn
magazine but there was
rules and one of the rules was the man couldn’t have a
heart on yeah
they still have
those rules really yeah like
where they can’t show insertion
in certain magazines but some
magazines they can yeah
but back then it was all
magazines back then there was no
magazines that showed hard ons
and i think i mean none that you could find
and it was like you’d ask the guy at the
counter if you were bold
you know at
the bookstore but you really want to
ask him like hey how come nobody’s dick’s hard
what’s going on here
you don’t really
bring it up to him
but there was always like
these weird
poses where
they were being like not just one but like 20 different
poses and in each one of them
the girls like
moaning like she’s an xc
and the dude
doesn’t have a heart on
right again
every one of them it’s like
what is the message that they’re trying to send you
you know what is
the message that they’re trying to send you is it that
this is just how the universe works and that women
that are way hotter than you
could ever possibly
imagine will always wind up with gay guys
and you’re gonna be
alone by yourself
jerking off onto
pictures of them
is that what it is what is
the message
why can’t they have hard ons they’re
naked and they’re there
and then the
reality of it all comes into play because you see all
these 20 different scenes
you’re like this
bitch is not giving up in
every scene
she’s super enthusiastic
she seems non judgmental this guy can’t get it up
and she’s doing
everything for him she’s posing
she’s got her ass up in the air
she’s lying on her back with a leg
spread sucking on her fingers she’s
letting him pick her up and he’s holding her by the
ants and his dick’s
still limp it’s
still limp and this
bitch is just there for him
the whole way
she’s like soup some way
eventually he’s
gonna get a hard on i know it
i just keep posing for him
until she’s in all
these weird poses and
never loses interest
never has the you
know should be like at
least the 18th or 19th pose
she should be like what the fuck like what’s
going on like
why do you have my legs spread
spread and you
know you’re laying your limp dick on my pelvis
right you know
like a drowning
victim just pulled ashore
it’s like slop
i mean that’s
what it’s like he’s got his limp dick and he’s
laying it on her pelvis
like who’s that for
who doesn’t want hard dicks like
who is this
this is where
this is where we draw the line
you want to get all naked and
crazy and pretend you’re fucking
so if you had to look
at a dick it was either hard or lamp you would pick
hard all the time
if i had to look at a dick
it depends if i’m beating off
the last thing you want to do is be
beating off to a dude with a limp
dick so you
would rather have hard
dicks yeah because you can’t even imagine that that
would feel good
you’d feel like that the guy
would be embarrassed and that it feels
pointless and
she doesn’t feel good because he’s not even
excited and so there’s a lot of
weird shit going on there
at least if the guy has an erection
while he’s feeling good it feels good and at
least she’s
happy that she
can give him an erection it’s a much more positive
experience is it hotter for you if the dick is
black or white
i can’t really relate to
black dicks see i always like but
i can relate to a
black dick if it’s big
but then a little tiny
micro white dick
yeah i’d rather have
hard black dick fucking a girl
because for some reason to me that’s
worth naughtier
or something like that’s all you
take that big
black dick you
know really yeah really so you find yourself
saying that as you’re doing the stroking motion
why whisper it
take it back
what for real
it makes it more naughty to you yeah it just seems like
oh you’re getting fucked for realsies
i remember some girl
for realsies
some girl came to the comedy
store one night and she
gave us the rules of
being a porn star she was i
think she was with ron jeremy
and she was like
you know rule number one is don’t fuck
black guys until they pay you
you have to you can’t do it right away don’t fuck them
until they pay you
rule number two is no anal for a long time you gotta
keep it to yourself
and like you have strategies
on what you hold back when you do porn oh yeah
honey it’s a business
oh yeah honey
it’s a business
wow yeah they
strategize when to give up
for the black dick
you can’t just
right away start fucking black eyes
hey hey hey hey settle into that a little
like some girls like
like jenna jameson
never fucked a
black guy well that’s a big
thing important once you go
black you’re actually considered different
than if you did
it’s like a
weird so why do girls
why do any girls do
black guys just i mean for
their career why do they do that uh
maybe i don’t know
they’re just easy yeah
they’re just they
just want to fuck
black guys i
guess yeah maybe
maybe they don’t care
maybe they’re there for
equal rights i
guess but a lot of the porn
buyers are southern and
stuff like that and once you fucking
black i don’t want it
stupid slut
please there’s a disproportionate
amount of all interracial porn sold in the deep
south is that
it yeah i just do a whole joke
about that that’s
right yeah it’s true
story it’s a true statistic
yeah a disproportionate amount is so then it’s not
black guys buying that stuff
it’s it’s it’s scared
white guys gonna look at in nigga
fucking that
white woman
oh man i can’t believe what he’s doing
right now to her oh yeah
stop looking me in the eyes
stop bitch oh
yeah i think that
that whole black white
thing eventually is gonna go away
i think we’re all
gonna be like one strange shade of gray
you know one mocha
one something mexican we’re all
gonna be mexican we’re all gonna be mexican yeah yeah
this it’s not the
black white
thing can’t
last it only lasted back when people couldn’t move to
other places
when you were
stuck in china
and everybody else was in
china well you fed
off the same gene pool and you produced chinese people
but once the africans got to
the northern africa
and egypt and
things started getting
weird and they took over cairo
and then they move into
other places and then the moors
hit sicily and then all these
fucking the spaniards
come over on boats and fuck the american indians and
eventually eventually we’re gonna be a
world culture
i just don’t see how you can keep people
from interbreeding for the next
millennia i just don’t see it happen i
think in the next thousand years
we’re all gonna be one
shade you know
you think that’s what happened when neanderthals
neanderthals got
assimilated into the
population they used to
think they went extinct
but now they think
they sort of went extinct because
women wouldn’t fuck them
but men would fuck the women
men human men
would fuck neanderthal
women and make
babies with them
but neanderthal
men were like what the fuck nothing nothing
they just got on the outs
hmm that would be
weird what would that one
final species
look like well
maybe that’s the end of the
world once you make jesus
well it’s probably
gonna look like aliens
yeah you know i mean you look at the gray
alien the model
alien this big
big head and
you know sexless body and you
know and no muscle tone and
that’s probably
the next stage i mean if you look at
monkeys and then you look at us and
what is the difference well
our heads aren’t
the monkeys have
smaller heads our heads are bigger
our muscles aren’t as big we’re softer
we last longer we have
nutrition and information and all that stuff but
physically we’re far weaker than the chimps
know and then well then they’re
gonna be more weak than us with bigger heads
their heads are
gonna be bigger they’re
gonna be more uh
more smooth and less muscular and sinewy
because they’re not
gonna need that they’re
never gonna be in combat
you never gonna be
fighting for
their life against
other bodies and
trying to take down animals to eat them they’re
moved way way way way past that shit
that’s i mean
the human alien connection
for a lot of people they believe that what
their alien
image represents whether it’s real or imagined
what it represents is
humans from the future
and that the
eventual metamorphosis of the
human animal
the morphing the
evolving will
ultimately lead to something like that
we look at inherently all our issues well
first of all we have
sexual issues
we have emotional issues we have
anger issues we have all
these things well
all the depictions of the
aliens they’ve gone
completely past all that shit
you eliminate all your
sexual issues
if you can reproduce outside of
a male female environment if you’re able to reproduce
completely in
laboratories or in
petri dishes or
whatever the fuck they’re doing
you know if the
human animal moves past reproduction
in a natural way
i mean that
might be what if they
found out that
babies were 100
smarter and they lived
twice as long and they were
five times more
resistant to diseases
if you raise them in
a test tube
everybody raised them outside
of the womb and some new machine that someone created
well every woman
would want that why
would you want your kid to be
stupid because you want to
carry it around inside you
you selfish cunt
put the baby in the machine
right you know so that’s what they
would do and that’s inevitable they’re
gonna eventually come up with something like that the
human body can only do so much you know the human body
they’re already
figuring out artificial
parts they already devise artificial
hearts they’ve come up with artificial
leaves that make
photosynthesis
we’re gonna have artificial
wounds artificial electricity you know
those artificial trees
so we’re gonna be able to make electricity
yeah we’re gonna be able to make electricity the
solar power
there’s another
thing that i got from transcendent man that
the ray kurzweil documentary that i watched
fucking awesome shit man
but he talks about the
upcoming advances in
solar powers
solar powers
gonna be the shipments gonna be
driving cars man
they’re gonna have
solar powered cars of the next twenty
thirty years it’s all
all eventually is moving us towards the aliens man
i mean they really might be
the ideas of
i don’t believe
i don’t believe they
exist or that they don’t
exist i don’t believe that you know people are
really seeing flying
saucers and i don’t believe that
everything that people see
is a government
spacecraft it was very possible that
could be something
from another dimension or something from another
world or something from some
some even even hoki
ridiculous cliche description from like a 1950 sci fi
movie i’m not discounting the possibility that
but i’ve looked at all
these different people that all
their stories and all their
it doesn’t jive
man it doesn’t jive
to me i have
an awesome bullshit detector
i’m currently reading this john mac book john mac was
actually a professor at harvard who
started doing
post past life
hypnotic regression shit with people
you know hypnotic regression not not past life but in
their past like
abduction stuff
because he was dealing with all
these different people that had
very very similar
experiences
where they were abducted
repeatedly over many times in
their life but
i’m looking at the work and i’m reading his
stuff and i’m
like god this is so embarrassing it’s like
squirrely work
it’s like this guy has
gone he’s made a
conclusion in his mind already
and what he’s doing in his work is not like
he’s not exploring all the
possibilities he’s kind of like pushing towards this
conclusion and
the latest one that i’m reading is
it’s so sloppy
because he’s telling all
these stories
about all these people and all
their depictions of
their experiences
how about you tell me how
crazy that person is on a one to ten
tell me ask me what
do they think
about astrology
what do they
think about
tarot cards
what do they
think about crystals or mind reading what do they
think about the loch
ness monster
i want to know a lot of
other shit about
these people i don’t want to know
about what their
experience was like
first when i was eight
you know i was
alone in a cab and i knew something was there
with me i saw the dark eyes in the corner of the room
really were you on lithium
were you crazy are you
crazy at all is anyone else in your family crazy
because there’s a lot of
crazy motherfuckers out there
and they tell some
crazy stories
and all you need to know
about this whole
ufo abduction
experience the one
most important
point is that it all happens at night
well when the fuck are you dreaming
when the fuck do you have the most
realistic bizarre
dreams the other
night i had some
crazy fucking
dream i was on a dragon
i was reading from these
that the words
would light up on fire as you read them so you
could only read it once
i mean this is bizarre
yeah it was a cool ass
dream but it was a fucking
dream all right
it was really obvious to me when i woke up like wow
what a crazy ass dream
well what is a dream
well what a
dream is is your mind reaches a certain
state in rem sleep
where rapid eye
movement takes place and
all sorts of
crazy chemicals
psychedelic chemicals
start being produced by your body
and they all pass the
blood brain
barrier and you have all
these nutty fucking
experiences and
you and your cousin mikey
and you’re on
sleds and you’re running from godzilla
what is that
is that real sleds
should we investigate whether there’s
sleds in space
whether godzilla is real no
no you should say
when did this happen
oh i was sleeping
oh you were dreaming
right yeah probably
when were you abducted by aliens
while i was in bed
do you think you were dreaming
no it was so real oh okay
let’s write a book on how real it was
and you gotta say
no it was so real
well a lot of them
the interviews that they do with them are so telling
they’re really fascinating
and not necessarily that the people are
stupid and it’s
not even necessarily that
they’re lying
cause a lot of them i don’t
think are lying
i think what a lot of them are is
first of all people live some
boring ass fucking shitty lives
they’re boring as fuck
and if something happens and all of a
sudden that something gives your life meaning
like oh my god
instead of it being some
sleep paralysis
thing where
your brain has this endogenous dump of
psychedelic chemicals that are natural
in the brain anyway
instead of that being the case
like no no no i have been
visited and i have information
that i have to give to the people of the world
well you know if you have a natural
psychedelic
experience or if you have
a real psychedelic
experience where you take a drug and
you’re planning it out
either one is
going to give you a very similar
experience and that
experience is
what you’re doing is totally
wrong everybody’s
fucked up you need to get your shit together
how about an
analysis of yourself an analysis of life on the planet
and let’s look at this
other than the way we’re looking at it
right now because this obviously isn’t working
this is the theme
to every mushroom trip the theme to
every acid trip the theme to every
time you eat a pot
brownie you want to reconstruct the
whole thing and put it back together again
in a way that’s rational and that makes sense
you know and
this experience
these people are having whether the
aliens are telling them well
we need to get your shit together yeah yeah yeah yeah
yeah you’re high dude
you’re high you’re
tripping you’re seeing
things in a closet
it’s that simple there’s no evidence man
there’s no all
these people that are
oh i got a nick on my shin look this is
where they pulled out the implant
get the fuck out of here
crazy you really
think that aliens are
gonna leave
little scars on you and they’re
gonna pull him
you pinched yourself you
crazy fuck you
pinched yourself and made your own scar
you you naughty
bitch not to mention that there’s so much
technology now
that that people probably do kind of like
pranky shit you know like i got
these like helicopters that look like you know
and that you
know problem
control helicopters
and stuff like that
well there’s also
government stuff
that guy in
philadelphia the other day
thank you whoever you are
some guy came to the show
and handed me
handed the manager a book
and the book got to me and it’s all patents
on aircrafts that the government has like us patents
for experimental aircrafts
oh very cool it’s fucking nuts man they’re this
crazy looking
klingon looking
ships and ufo looking
things what’s the book called that
sounds it’s
not it’s not a book oh he just put it together yeah he
put it together so
it was pretty dope that’s pretty sweet yeah
and so you know i mean you just look at the
things that the government has
and has admitted to designing and creating
i mean this is like a fucking
a giant amount of a man
when we were doing fear factor we were out at
edwards air
force base near
edwards air
force base i
think it was edwards
it’s out like near
we were in palmdale whatever the air
force base is out there it’s a big one and
i think it’s edwards
and they were flying
stealth bombers
and dude that is some crazy shit
this was the beginning of the iraq war it’s like 2002
and they fly
those things overhead dude you
swear to god you
swear to god you’re in star wars man
you swear to god you like that is
that is some shit from the
death star when you
watch something fly overhead
they don’t make much noise
and they look like fucking alien
spacecraft it’s dope
like you look at them like that is a fucking
stealth bomber
you can’t see that
thing with radar man
that’s that’s something designed to
sneak up on you and
fuck you from the sky
and you can’t even see it coming
and it’s black like the sky
so like you look up you see just
blackness and it’s
black too you’re fucked
yeah you’re fucked
shit’s badass
yeah it’s you know it’s all
who designed for killing people who
do you want on the podcast in the future what is your
dream people to get on
i know isn’t adam
carolla coming yeah adam’s coming
next week he’s
gonna be here on the
26th adam carol will be there so that what is out of
seven days from today yeah
yeah adam’s
gonna be on you know what man
my dream has already been
not just reached but surpassed
when we first
started doing this when you and i
first started doing this in episode
one we were just fucking around man we were just
sitting in front of the computer and
we just thought it
would be fun to have
some little kind of
silly show that we
would do for people that were on the message board
that’s mostly what it was and people on twitter
you know but now it’s become like a
radio show now it’s become
this way to
tell people
about shows
that it never had before you know what used to be
you would go on a
radio show and
you would hope that some
of the people listening were your fans or hope that you
could say something
funny enough to convince them
you know on the radio
it’s in the morning you’re fucking half
awake random
people listening
it’s random people listening and who knows if you’re
gonna jive with the
djs like there’s a
radio station in houston that
apparently is
still mad at me
for being on their
radio show back in
i guess it was like fear factor days like 2002 or 2003
and they apparently
still talk shit about me
about what they had
me on and i remember they wanted me and i was probably
tired and if i came off rude i didn’t mean to
but they wanted me to eat some stuff
first of all they wanted me
to eat some big hamburger they had and i’m like no no
thank you i
watch when i eat
and also in the morning i have hypothyroidism so i take
a thyroid medication
and when i take
it i can’t eat anything for like an hour
so i was on this
radio show and they’re trying to get me to eat this
stupid thing that they made in an easy bake
oven i was there i actually filmed that did you yeah
those people are
mad at me are you
still mad they
still talk shit
about me like i’m the
worst person they’ve ever had on their show
and i didn’t
even know that i didn’t even know they had an issue
until i left and
apparently they were talking
about me when i wasn’t there
when i was there they were nice as pie to me
but then when i left
they started talking like what
i was so rude
they had a gag
and i wasn’t into
their gag and i didn’t go
with it it was
stupid shit it is
stupid and you know what they’re not comedians man and
maybe they’re not on my vibe
not on my frequency
they’re on their own frequency
and they thought
it’d be fun they thought it’d be cool if i played
along but i didn’t want to eat their
thing and they didn’t adjust
they didn’t
adjust so then i’m like why the fuck am i doing this
and then it’s like
look when you do
radio stations there’s a lot of different kind of
radio djs some of them are really cool and easy to do
and easy to do
their shows
and other ones they want
more attention
than you and they’re a little squirrely and they don’t
like the fact that you’re on tv and they’re on the
radio and they get to be cunty
you know they get to be
weird and they’re looking for something to be
wrong with you
so if you’re coming from some fucking
television show and you won’t eat
their stupid easy bake oven thing
you become an asshole instead of
if that was me
and i had a
guest on like come on eat the easy bake
oven and you won’t do it
i’d be like what kind of an idiot am i
and i’m getting
this guy to eat something this is all i’ve
planned for this fucking thing
i could be asking him
a million interesting questions like we’d be talking
about all kinds of
crazy stuff
but instead
i’m pissed that he won’t eat my
fucking tuna casserole out of a fucking easy bake oven
so these people
apparently are
still upset at me
well used to used to
have to deal with
those kind of people in the past now i don’t have that
doesn’t mean anything anymore
every show that i do now i do nothing for no press
i mean i did preston and
steve i called up
for philly but it was
after the shows were already sold out but
i did it because i like them because they’re cool guys
but when we do
these shows now
we have our own
radio station we have
our own ability
to promote the
shows and probably more listeners than ever than
compared to that
radio station that hates you yeah
well that and it’s all
100 your fans
i hate that word
all hundred percent people who
appreciate your work
right so they already are
enjoying what you do they are
enjoy your podcast
they’re already there for you they like you
you know and so they want to come to the shows
and as opposed to you know doing a
radio show and
trying to get people out there to listen and like you
and that’s why people like
those people
these mediocre
folks in houston
that’s why they
you know they have like
that’s why they have
power their only
power was that they’re the ones who get to talk on this
radio show meanwhile
they’re not even they have no
talent there’s nothing
going on there they’re just talking people
they’re just dum dums
and then they play music
they sort of
hijack your attention span for a few minutes
while you wait for the next cool song to
start playing
they’re just sitting
there reading your wikipedia page most of the time
so joe rogan
i heard that you that
wouldn’t even
be a problem for me
i just don’t
you know i just i don’t know why they’re
still upset at me because
apparently this is some recent interview
oh really i didn’t even know
about i don’t even know who they are i don’t even know
where station is
i don’t care it was justin it’s there look
if it’s all
these years and you’re
still upset that i
wouldn’t eat your
thing that’s on you
that’s on you
100 i didn’t do anything to you
i didn’t break your window didn’t
light your bathroom
on fire you know if i just didn’t eat your thing
that’s on you
it’s the whole
world is filled with different
kinds of people man and if you try to make everybody
happy you will fucking go crazy
i know when i’ve been a douchebag in my past
i know when i’ve done
things where i could have
made this go smoother
i could have just
this isn’t one of
those things this is just stupidity
and i didn’t want to deal with stupidity
you’re going to
texas soon aren’t you
like august or something i
want to go back
yeah i’m going to houston
i think august august
can’t wait that’d be fun
yeah i’m doing that september
again in austin too
oh really yeah
that’s always good time
yeah and plus now
it looks like i’m recording the special in june
so if that happens
then i’ll have
i have to have all new shit
by the time
september rolls around so i got a lot of work to do
right that’s
exciting man
i’ve been writing a lot lately man
cause i’m trying to finish this book
i’ve been writing like crazy man
writing is so fucking satisfying it
might be one of my favorite
things to do
i love the idea that you just sit in
front of that computer and
these ideas just
start dancing in your head they
start dancing you
know they start
arranging themselves on paper
and then sometimes
like when an idea
will come out and then another idea will follow it and
you step back
i step back and look and i’m like wow this
crazy thing that just like happened through me
you know this
crazy idea that you know just happened through me
and then it all like
puts itself onto
paper and then the next
thing you know there’s 100 pages next
thing you know there’s 200 pages it’s like wow it’s
such a fascinating process man the
creative process of actually sitting down and writing
it’s amazing man
i tried last
night i was
gonna write just for a little like an hour
and then get in the tank
but sometimes
every now and then you tap into a vein
and you gotta stay there you can’t go anywhere
i just had one idea that i needed to
write down before i went into the tank
and as i was writing that idea down
something about writing like say if you’re
thinking about a word
like if you’re writing the word experience
it takes longer to
write that word than it is to
think of the concept of
experience so it
allows you to deeply consider
everything that you’re saying
and then oftentimes like when you’re writing i can
seem so much
smarter writing than i ever
could just talking
think yeah yeah
like i mean you talk very like
smart yeah but i’m
waste i just
but i’m way
smarter writing that i am talking
it’s it’s what
because you can consider
everything much more
you know you get a chance to look at it
you know you you really
get to know someone like and that’s another beautiful
thing about this podcast you get to know someone
when you’re talking
to them for a long time you get to know like how their
brain works
you know like you
could write
things out like that’s what that was used to
drive me crazy
about presidential
speeches and shit like that
that they have people writing them for them
that is so fucked up
this is time right
cause they have to give like a
speech like
every fucking day almost
can’t you just
speak from the heart
yeah but there’s probably
things they have to just
touch on they’re
probably not like writers like this is what you have
to say it’s more like taking your ideas and making a
speech form because i mean they
literally have to do like
probably two or three
speeches a day
if you looked at
obama’s like
really does he do truth
yeah they’re always
going to colleges or talking
here with representatives you know they’re always doing
speeches if you look at his
schedule like there’s that one time
where they followed him around
for a week i
forget what program did it and it was just like his
schedule is pretty much from when he wake up
just going from one
place to another giving a speech
giving a speech
giving a speech
fuck either way
write your own
speeches bitch
i think he does actually and one of his
most famous
speeches is one that he wrote
one of them
the ones when he was running for office
he’s a smart guy and he’s
a very good
speech writer but
the whole idea of having
a speech written out for you by a
bunch of other people is
kind of offensive to me
like what the
fuck are you doing being the leader if you’ve got all
these people telling you exactly what to say
and you’re following all
these charts and
graphs and this is what the people want and so let’s
give them this and this is sort of in the middle and
will lower their
expectations
expectations with that
and then they’ll hit them with this to make them happy
it’s just it’s like so obvious that we’re being played
you know that’s what
drives me nuts
about speech writing
about the idea of it so this is like
they’re not even
trying to pretend that you know they’re not playing you
then i even try to pretend this guy
wrote the shit himself
you know he’s just up there reading
off a fucking teleprompter and you’re just going yay
and nothing changes
yeah i couldn’t
never do that i
could never do
speeches or anything like that
you could if you wanted to give
speeches on podcasting or
speeches on something that you know a lot
about like if you want to give
speeches on
how to be a good
video editor
you could do that you
could easily do like a seminar and
video editing
you know if you ever wanted to like if people
were into your internet
videos and you
could come up with a
bunch of bulletin points of
things that you need to consider like hey brevity you
know this you wanted to make it
under 10 minutes you
want this you want that sure you know this is my best
video and this is why
and the good
thing about this
video is it
starts off in one
point and then it goes back in time then it
brings you forward
again you know
and then you could
you know you
could easily do something like that
anything that you’re into man you
could teach
other people how to do it did you hear that flip video
is no more what
cisco bought flip
video and they axed him
i killed it yeah i always thought for some reason flip
video was very
successful and
a big money maker seems like everybody’s got flip
videos i see a lot of them my own norton
had it when norton was at
austin he taped all the
sets with that shit yeah they killed it for some reason
is it but is it so good is it a big deal
well i mean it’s just kind of
weird that they did that you know
you would have
never found out
about that 20 years ago
yeah it just would
have stopped
unless you were reading the
technology page of the new york times you know
how the fuck
would you have ever known
you know now you get like an email
alert from cnn to tell you that
flip video has been
eaten up by cisco
yeah you know yeah
weird you know
scott adams is the guy who created dilbert uh huh
he got busted
going online
defending himself
under a fake name are you serious yeah
is that like the weakest shit ever how’d he get busted
i don’t know he got busted
and then he um he
wrote something
about it admitting it and
this is what he wrote
according to
wise and fair denizens of the internet this
after he’s been busted
according to the wise and fair
denizens of the internet
this behavior is
proof that i am a thin skin troll
asshole dick fame whore
egomaniac douche nozzle
misogynist that list
might sound bad to you
but keep in mind that i was
starting from a pretty low base
so i think my
reputation is
trending up
that’s pretty
funny wow yeah
it’s in the oc weekly
if you guys want to read it it’s kind of interesting
because they’re
you know they’re like wow this so he what he did was
he logged online
and he did under the name planned
chaos and he pretended to be the only person in the
world who doesn’t hate him
cause i guess he’s been getting in trouble lately
i don’t remember what it was
i don’t remember what exactly he said
he said some things that people thought were
questionable
and so people were shitting all over him i met him
he was on an episode of news radio
really yeah
that goes to show you
how old dilbert is dilbert’s been around forever man
i never got into dilbert really it’s terrible
those cartoons are like the lowest
expectation ever for humor and for entertainment value
it’s amazing that they can make so much money
like i used to read dunesbury and i remember dunesbury
was the smart one man
it was really
smart the only time to me was even remotely interesting
was when they had
raoul raoul
duke who was the hunter s thompson character
who would come in with guns and
start shooting shit up and
it was like
hunter s thompsons
they kind of like he has his character raoul duke from
fear and loathing in las vegas
you know he like
the novel is sort of
based on very loosely on him and
his friend oscar and the
crazy shit they did when they were on drugs in vegas
right and this guy
from dunesbury
just sort of co opted that character sort of stole it
stole his intellectual property
and started
using it as characters inside of his dunesbury comic
i thought that was kind of cool like
those kind of
funny that he did that it was kind of
those were fun
but other than
that like most of it was like really like nothing
it’s like the jokes were like whoo
like you ever read like marma
duke or something like that or
beetle bailey
how is this shit
still even possible you know bailey’s
still around yeah i think so
i think i don’t know
i am funny yeah who
would cry if the cartoon section i remember when i was
a kid though i used to like the cartoon section i used
to like far side
that was fucking
brilliant shit
and then they just
kind of went away
i was like garfield guy growing up obviously so
garfield and far side were my two
calvin hobbs pretty
so you do like our dudes i do
but then you get
those ones like whatever that fucking kathy
or sticky oh yeah fucking there’s some
that don’t make any
sense and you have to wonder how
those people keep their jobs
is it like some sort of a government job
where you can’t get fired
that prince valiant
or whatever that one that was like
remember that one
what was that one
where it’s like all medieval
knights and shit yeah i always
tried to get into that one but i could
never fucking do it
they’re the worst man
yeah they’re the
worst there is there anything
worse than fucking
stupid cartoons
there’s no lower standard
you know like
if you ever like read a cartoon and laughed
now like holy shit
that far side far side
definitely really yeah
first i you
never read any of the
first i never got into it man this it’s i
think like stand up comics
some cartoons
are so bad they like
turn you off to
other cartoons
wow like i’ve
talked to people that have been to like shitty
comedy shows like nah i’m not really in a live comedy
right like well you’re not in a live comedy
okay what are you talking about
have you ever
gonna see louis ck
okay go see louis ck
and then tell me if you’re in the live comedy
cause you might not be into some
douchebags at the
chuckle hut you know
that are telling nonsense jokes but
go to see chris rock go to see
dave chappelle go to see a real
comic you’re
gonna love comedy man don’t get
crazy you go see joey diaz
and if you don’t
laugh you don’t have a fucking pulse
right there’s something
wrong with you you’re not you’re not
enjoying that
joey destroyed all weekend
in in philadelphia he’s so fun to have around man
no one makes me laugh more than that guy
he’s so fucking fun to have around
but as we’re saying before he gets wired
he gets angry at you yeah
i’m just reading these facts that we’re on digg com
today of facts about masturbation
and that’s going through that male kangaroos have been
known to give himself blowjobs and female porcupines
have been witnessed
using wooden sticks as dildos
what imagine watching an animal jack off dick
did dinosaurs have dicks right
right yeah i was
can you imagine how big that dick is and then like
if a dinosaur fucking come to like how much come that
would be if a dinosaur
come how are you
twelve bro no i was just
thinking that the other day
dinosaur come
dinosaur dicks how big
would the load be
a dinosaur cummed
yeah and here’s another fact
what 30 of suicides by males age
of 12 through 20 are attributed to auto erotic
as fiction no
what is that in wikipedia man i don’t know
oh here’s a flesh auto erotic
asphyxiation yeah from
twelve to twenty that’s
silly that’s insane you
know here’s a fucking interesting statistic that’s real
seventy percent of all pornography gets
watched during nine to five hours
really yeah
twelve percent of
a porno film is
watched at a
hotel room on average
only twelve that makes sense
but seventy percent being
during the internet or
downloaded from the internet
while you’re at work nine to
five totally
how many people are
watching this
podcast or listening to this podcast at work a lot
how many people are masturbating
while listening to the
podcast two people
right now and only one’s hard
one of them is crying
struggling trying to make shit happen
there’s too much porn
i think at this
point it’s almost like it’s too easy
to beat off
you know it’s all out there
it’s almost like unavoidable
like it used to be hard as hell
to get some pornography
when i was a kid like we were talking about
earlier about
magazines man
that was what you got
magazines man
you had to go to a liquor
store and ask for the back shelf and
nowadays man
it’s so fucking easy to get pornography
nowadays you
could just you
specialize on one
particular type of pornography
you could be like
a weirdo foot guy you only want foot jobs girls
jacking guys off of
their feet and you
could fucking
stack monitors to the top of your room
like a movie
screen 50 feet high
and every one of them has got a different
video of a girl jerking a guy off with her feet
and you would die of old
age before you
watched all of them
there’s this
shit that i was reading
about where guys who
go to graveyards after
they bury somebody recently
like the next day after they
bury somebody and they dig them up and fuck them oh
god like they
check the obituaries and find
a young team
you know oh
where was this happening
it was on the internet i read it
i heard some
people doing it in
there was an old kinesin bit
people doing it in
a mortician’s office the mortuary
that you know remember that bit i
could see that happening dude that bit
is what got me into kinesin
really i’ve told this
story before but in the interests of brevity
a girl that i was working with
did the bit for me
cause she was telling me how
funny he was
and she’s lying on her stomach in the parking lot
going oh oh
you mean life keeps fucking you in the ass even
after your dad
it never ends
and i remember
thinking like wow what
is this guy like this guy must be the funniest guy ever
and then i got a hold of his hbo
special i got a chance to see it that’s what that
it was probably the one moment when i was 19 years
old with that girl on her stomach in the parking lot
telling me that joe
that was one of the one moments
one of the few moments in my life where a
spark went off in my head like wow
maybe i should do that
maybe i should be a fucking comedian
you know when
i was nineteen i had no idea what the hell was
gonna happen in my future i didn’t know what i was
gonna do but i was already
starting to
think like maybe you know
maybe i have to find something you know
maybe it’s not martial
arts i have to find like something else to do like
maybe it was this
fucking guys on his stomach you
pretend to get fucked in the
ass like well there was nothing like that back then man
but i think his joke was
based on a true
story that was in la
some people got arrested
for paying the morticians to
spend a few
hours undisturbed with the
freshest male corpses
oh god oh god yeah
i think if i was a mortician
and i think
if you get a hot chick
that there’d be sometimes you’re
sitting in this basement by yourself you’d like i’m
definitely gonna
touch this video
is online this
photos online
have guys fucking dead
bodies this is
fuck it there’s a voting
photo online of a guy with this
i don’t know if it’s still up
years ago this was in the late 90s
early 2000s
and it was a
whole sequence of
photos from
start to finish of this woman
being on the slab she’s
clearly dead you know
and then you know him
putting his
penis inside of her
yeah it’s like whoa dude
you you know he didn’t just
take these photos of someone’s
daughter and someone’s
sister someone’s wife he fucked her and took
pictures of it
and then put it online you know
some fucking crazy shit
i wonder how many people who get into
like what the number is
how many people get into being a mortician or being a
how many of them are there for the sex
yeah how many
fucking around with
bodies i’m sure it’s very high man
i’m never surprised at the
things i hear
and i think if you were into fucking dead
bodies that
would be the number one
thing to do i bet hope
good as the meat in the dead body is it
is it i’m sure it’s juicier
i’m sure it’s juicier
i mean you know what i’m saying i mean
is it other
persons but
is rigo mortis
set in do they can they fix that
today is there a way that they can have rigor mortis
not sit in like what happens when they embalm them
don’t they pump out all the what is rigor mortis
what does that come from that’s
where the yeah
that’s what it comes from i
think that’s when you died the body just
stiffens up but i don’t
think it’s i
think it’s a
squirrel off the road yeah
i think i don’t
think it’s immediate i
think it’s immediate i think
it takes a few
hours yeah so
maybe if you get the person
right after they die they’d be
still pliable
yeah but don’t you like when you die
also you just
automatically piss and shit yourself and all that crap
just clean em up man if you’re
gonna fuck a dead body you can’t have high standards
you kind of have to warm them up
maybe get some lamps or a heated
blanket and let them sit in there for a
while or something like
that put them in a warm tub
not warm enough to cook them
god you know the cool
thing is that you
could just pretty much fucking rip skin if you
would like one
of the fuck that ass really hard you know
you just fucking
just ripping it
never have to
worry about her getting hurt right yeah
that’s true
i guess you
could think
about it that way
she’s a gagger
going right through the back of her throat
something about disrespecting dead bodies it’s
particularly offensive
particularly unsavory you know the idea of
disrespecting someone’s body
their vessel while they’re gone
know it’s so like
it’s so inhuman you know there’s something
about it that’s like it’s very creepy
right yeah one of the creepiest things
that an eating it
eating someone’s body
after they’re dead
yeah i was listening to um
casey kacem
they were he’s still around
i don’t know if he’s still around
they had him on the radio though he might be dead
but they had
he was there playing once from the 1970s i was in
philly and philly has this one badass radio station i
tweeted it i
don’t remember the name of it it’s like w o g l w g o l
and it was all like
one badass song it
would be like pink floyd
and then it
would be michael jackson
and then it
would be like
you know sam cooke i mean
it was like some serious fucking jams one after the
other news had this pool hall that we were playing at
and they played like repeats of like
the countdown show
and i forgot like
casey kacem with the
countdown wow
and he would
you just pulled that out
i mean that
first time i’ve
ever done that too that was awesome here we go
this this request comes
now don’t hey
scooby come over here casey jason with the countdown
i can’t even i have
if i heard him i can do it you know he was shaggy
really yeah we do oh yeah i did know that yeah
zonks zonks
but he was one of the songs
apparently was
about cannibalism
and i don’t know the song but it was
about some people that it was like the donner
party it was about like you
know some people that you know the donner party story
they were headed to the west coast and they
stuck in the mountains of
colorado and they ran out of food and
some people died and they ate the dead bodies to stay
alive trey parker made a film about it
did he really yeah cannibal the musical
what’s a cannibal the musical
when his first movie he made in college with matt
stone it’s fucking brilliant that’s really
funny because they’re from
colorado too yeah
yeah i fucking love it
it’s a brilliant movie cannibal the musical yeah
okay i’ll love each
other yeah amazon that shit
but casey casey was going off
casey casey
about this sometimes
you have to make decisions
and it was like the decision was like
we like stop playing we’re like what the fuck it’s like
you have to make a decision between eating the body or
dying yourself
and you’re like what the fuck wow
what a weird
you know top
40 or whatever the fuck it was or
you know that song is
maybe i mean i think it was a request
you know i only like
tuned into it halfway while he was saying it
but you know
it was one of the
weird things this nest song deals with cannibalism
it was like what
like how many
times in history of people had to eat people to stay
alive there’s only like a few
recorded instances right
there’s a soccer team that
crashed in a
plane crash and they made that
movie about them
remember when they’re
alive spoon yeah they’re
spooning that guy’s ass out oh yeah it is
about that the
frozen ass meat with a
spoon that was a
freaky ass movie man when that airplane
broke apart yeah
yeah tubes made out of
metal aren’t
really meant to fly through the fucking sky
yeah you know what i was
thinking the
other day is what happened to all
those lost people
you notice how like all
those actors from lost
were such so high in
their career
and now do you see any of them they burnt off
they didn’t want to have anything
to do with them jack was pissing me off man i know
after a while man he really
annoyed the shit out of me man
he drove me nuts
he was so phoning it in at the end
when they were all
standing around
that tub and someone comes back to life like
this motherfucker is just phoning it in man that is
ridiculous yeah he
drove me nuts
because he wasn’t appreciating his fucking
his part he
started off that
series as a winner
jack was the fucking hero
he was the man
he was the doctor he was handsome all the girls
loved him and by the end
he was a junkie and a loser and
what they did was i guarantee you that guy’s annoying
i guarantee that actor is
annoying and they’re like
fuck this guy
let’s start making him a douchebag
and start slowly
making him more and more
annoying yeah
fuck yeah they must have done that cause
if he was so cool everybody else sort of kept their
thing or became more cool as the show went on you know
like the really hot girl with no ass what’s her name um
the really pretty
one with the dark hair the fuck is beautiful
face kate i
remember her she sort of became cooler as time went on
got her shit together
you know raised that girl’s baby
you know she had
a lot of good positive attributes
john locke became like mysterious and sort of
magical and sort of figured out the world
jack just became a junkie
just became a fucking loser man
he just slowly
started there’s
a reason for that if you saw the last episode
that last episode
can suck my dick
i ain’t fucking with that man
i think this i can’t
believe you
watched that much
there’s some freedom in walking away for it man
yeah but you
watch so much of it
that you might as well
see what happens
there’s some freedom
just saying no you don’t have me anymore you fucks
you can’t you can’t own me bitch
i’m not your whore
all right i’m not
tuning in every week to watch your
stupid commercials
just so you can
trick me with your
silly storyline
i i don’t even
watch tv anymore it seems like
but once you
start fucking
throwing in like time
travel and shit like they did
now we’re in 1970 all
right you don’t even know what happened
you fucks you can do anything you want you fucks
there’s a reason
why yeah the reason you want to know i can tell you now
would you like to know nope
i don’t want to know
i love that you want me to know
and that i don’t
want to know i love that this freedom in that
all right he was a girl the
whole time he was a girl
oh good good
it seemed like a girl he
was kate seemed like he was on his period for ten years
fucking twat
oh jesus anything else
before we get
going there was some
questions on the rogan board
that i’m perusing
through and some of them we’ve actually already
answered and
some of them
here’s like one what
are your thoughts on listeners supporting the podcast
the podcast financially
it’s not necessary the podcast as i said is a great
method for me to promote shows and promote all the
other stuff that we do and
we get sponsorships
the more you guys listen the more we get
sponsors i mean
we just have this
flashlight right now but that’s mostly because
we’re going to be moving to sirius very soon
both obviously it will
still be live and free on the internet it’s
still be on itunes for free it’s
still be available for download on the website for free
but it’ll also be on sirius
satellite radio just so more people can listen to it
you know i like serious i have it in my car
it’s an awesome service and i
think it’s just another avenue for us
to get heard and you
know we’re not even getting paid for it the same
thing is like
stitcher and
i’m for all
those things
and the more of
these things that we do
the more it
i’ve never had this many people come to my shows i’ve
never had i mean
it’s obvious that this is a good thing
it’s obvious that there’s a benefit for me
in that and the
promotional aspect of it
and it’s a benefit in people that they get this free
entertainment man
and it’s a benefit for us too
over the course
of the year or so that we’ve been doing this
one of the coolest
things that really made me
appreciate i
was bummed out when i had to come back here
from colorado
you know i have this idea of raising my kids in a
place where it’s a little more calm there’s
less people there’s less of the pressures of hollywood
the sort of the bullshit materialism
of this area this part of the country
it’s a silly part
of the country there’s a lot of cool people here but
it’s also a very
silly part of the country
so i was bummed out man when the dog got
eaten by the mountain lion and when mrs
rogan got pregnant we had to come back i mean it was
to me it was like fuck i was gone i made it out of this
place i had
escaped and now i’m back again
but what really
like made me
appreciate this place
was this podcast
and was having all
these cool people come over all the time
having ari over having
eddie over having joey over having
bert kreischer and russell
peters and tom
green i’m like
you know i sit
back and i go god this is so much fucking fun
you know somehow or another we have like a real legit
national radio show
and not even national man worldwide
because we had a fuckload of podcast fans in australia
that’s on the
other side of the fucking planet
and when when i
asked them about the podcast they went nuts
so it’s it’s it’s a
worldwide sort of a
thing man and you know and i
who the fuck knew
when we did this that it
would be what it is now
who knew that
every week would be in
the top five of itunes
who the fuck we had never
had no idea no idea
it was completely by chance
and slowly along the line it’s
morphed and slowly
along the line it’s
evolved and slowly
along the line it’s become something
it is itself now
you know what i mean
like now we don’t think
about how to do it
we came over here like
brian came over here today
and we didn’t even have to talk
about when we talked
about just normal shit like we always do
but this is our hundredth episode man it’s a big deal
but we’re like but we
should do it we were like well we
should do it together yeah it’s just
you and me for the hundredth
and then that was not all the
thing we had to talk
about it’s like
it is its own
thing you know it is it’s got its own life to it now
and all the people that send me
emails man and all the twitter messages and all
the people that i meet in the comedy clubs
i appreciate the fuck out of that i
think it is one of my biggest accomplishments
in my career
is this podcast and that message
board and both of
those things and
the whole internet
group of bringing all
these cool people together
and the positive energy that i get from all
these people
at shows and the positive reactions that i get
so many people coming up to me and telling me that
this podcast helps them
think differently
it changes the way they look at life
it changes the way they view
their friends
change the way that you view how they interact with
other people
you know i couldn’t be happier
man i couldn’t be happier that we did this and this
wouldn’t have happened
if i didn’t give in and come back from colorado
if i decided to stay in
colorado we
would have never have done this
you know what
about the idea of getting like a female
sidekick a female
sidekick a whole
a whole mr robin
quinn’s not really down with that
mmm yeah oh did you hear that he
slurped his coffee
again that fuck
feel it all over your
yeah if you hear
slurping man that’s me blame me
yeah you know
adam crowell had a really
funny girl in his show
he had teresa strasser for a
while and she was really
funny and now he’s got this new
chick and a
a lot of people on the rogen
board didn’t like her but i thought she was
funny man she made
me laugh the
crazy thing
about that is
he auditioned a few girls like esther
little esther
went there oh that’s how this girl got it yeah and i
guess but what’s
crazy is like if you go
to his website and look at all the comments per episode
every single one
of the girls that he did
like all hate like
his audience hates
so bad that girl
on any girl that’s on his show i
feel so bad
or brody stevens
so the girls and brody
who’s the new girl
you know i think her name’s like
jesse or something
like that i don’t know i’m looking for it
i’m gonna look it
right now because i feel rude that we’re talking
about her own yeah
her name up
yeah that’s
gonna be cool to have adam krolow
on yeah he’s
gonna be on this this next week
next tuesday yeah
yeah in your formula
that you’ve been working with on onit com
o and nit it’s almost done
it’s on its way yeah
did you read the case
study that’s pretty interesting
yeah a lot of people look i’ve been taking 5htp
and i’ve had some pretty
powerful results i feel like it makes
sentences form easier
i feel like there’s more circulation in my
brain or something
i don’t know what it is but
5htp has given me
a very tangible benefit
there’s some other
stuff that i took that gave me some
good benefits as well but what we did what chris did
with this neutropic formula it’s called
alpha brain wave
neutropic formula i was
gonna call it
what we did was take all of the best
nootropics which are
nutrients for the
brain and condense them into
i think it’s like two pills
and it’s all
these people the case studies had some really positive
experiences with it
yeah i’m excited it’s all
legit stuff it’s all
stuff that people have reported actually helps
brain function
we’re gonna combine it into one
thing and i think
nutrition and
mental nutrition and physical
nutrition all of it is one of the most
underlooked
keys to happiness for people
i mean we have a friend that
got on antidepressants and
this motherfucker eats cheetos
every night and
never works out and i was like yo dude you know
if you took
care of that body i guarantee you you’d feel
a little bit better i mean
i’m not saying you don’t have
an issue that
maybe needs to be corrected
chemically because
i’m not inside your head
but i know for a fact my own
brain if i didn’t work out i
would not be nearly as happy
i would have all this
extra pent up shit
you gotta get that out man and you gotta
treat this fucking
vehicle good give this
vehicle vitamins man
i drink fresh
squeezed juices
every morning
every morning when i’m at home i squeeze
i get ginger and raw garlic and carrots and celery
and i blend
it all together and you feel so fucking good good
you’re getting all those raw
nutrients in your body and your body
you know to people
that i know i have a lot of friends who are very very
smart but they almost
think that there’s something
vain and trivial and foolish
about taking care of your body
you know they
smoke cigarettes or
they eat shitty food
and they never exercise they
never take care
of themselves like man you’re missing out on
a big chunk of life
it’s annoying
to have to go to the gym that’s why it’s good to
learn to martial art or it’s good to
pick up a sport or racquetball or something where
you’re forced to move around you
know where it’s fun it’s part of the whole game
but find some way find some way to take
care of your fucking body find some fucking way man
take some fucking vitamins even if it’s just
multi vitamins and fish oil even if it’s just that
that will make a fucking difference
and so many people don’t man so many
people just ride it out and they just hope it all is
gonna fucking stay together
i switched my 5htp
to chris’s brand
which is called roll on
or roll over can’t remember
which one it is
blue bottle
yeah and it’s it’s
great too it’s at
175 milligrams i
think it was and you feel a difference
after taking
photos i’ve been i’ve been taking it for
over a month
and that in the resveratro i think are
two of the best
things i’ve take i take i mean i take fish oil in a
multi multi
vitamin every day but i
think those two or the
things that i’ve noticed the biggest from
how much do you think
cigarettes fuck with you
oh a lot definitely yeah
yeah does it bother you though that you’re doing
that that you’re poisoning yourself with cigarettes
cause i’ve seen you before dude there’s there’s
times that i’ve seen you when you like smoking a lot
when you take
on like you have a gray quality to your face
it’s almost like
i’m serious man
and when you quit
you know what’s
great and what that is is i have a
great beard
no and if i don’t if i shave
it’s great for the
first three days
no man i mean
i mean like your eyes
like around your eyes
like you there’s something
about smoking
something about a lot of that cigarette
smoke in your
system where like
your whole system looks like yeah
you know it looks like your whole
system is being poisoned slowly well it is
why don’t you fucking quit
crazy bitch
i will you won’t
know what makes you say you’re gonna quit
wait for the first stroke the best part
is that what’s gonna do
you gonna go vegan all my grandfather
go completely
your grandfather had a
stroke yeah from smoking really yeah oh look at you
living smart yeah
it was like 65
oh so you feel like you’ve got a few years yeah okay
well isn’t there like a point of no return like
where you’ve done so much damage that you can
never heal yourself up
no i mean well to a
point if you get cancer obviously but i mean
there’s a chart i
think like after a year you’re pretty much
back to normal
your lung capacity and all that
stuff there’s actually a
thing where like if you quit the first week
the first day the
first month what keeps you from
quitting i mean you taking
those nicotine patches can’t you just jam
those yeah i mean it’s just doing it i mean
seriously smoking see i wish you could tell
the addiction
i wish i could too because marin’s complaining
about it all
the time he’s always on his twitter it’s always
there putting nicotine patches on shit
it’s always
gonna be there like that
voice in the back of your head even if you quit is
still there joey’s in denial
yeah joey likes to pretend he’s not smoking yeah
you know me dog
i don’t need that shit
meanwhile every time before a show he’s bummed
cigarettes off you
right yeah i always have to buy two packs
every time i’m hanging out with him helium gave me some
cigars helium’s the shit i fucking love it there
yeah two heliums we did this
month portland and philly
both of them were fucking awesome
for those folks that are interested in the massey
hall and toronto show
the only tickets that are left are like single tickets
but you know man if you want to go
sit in separate seats yeah
sit in separate seats or you know get people to move or
something who the fuck knows man just go and have fun
it’s gonna be chaos
and i’m doing it with sam tripoli
but other than that it’s sold out
and for the june 11th
i think it’s what is the date
by the way sam tripoli
got a faux hawk
going on now
really yes yes david said
silly bastard
sam tripoli is awesome
and he’ll be opening for me in
i said june
he’s so excited
about it too he’s like i’ll
never play a bigger show than this ever
he’s going crazy and
by the way san francisco is may 12 through the may 14
and that’s at cobb’s comedy club
yeah june tenth is the vancouver date and april
twenty ninth
is the toronto date
and april twenty
ninth like i
said there’s only a few tickets left and then
the other thing is cops in san francisco yeah
it’s already sailing very fast
twelve through the fourteenth
is that a full
death scott who’s
going there
yeah probably
whoever’s around you know if joey and i can do it
you know how we do it
it’s like ari’s getting a
bunch of headline gigs now
which is very nice yeah ari’s headlining all over the
place he’s doing
doing comedy competitions he’s doing
you know comedy festivals
he just got back from atlanta
and he goes
it goes i realized
something i was like why is this feel so weird
and then someone said because you’re the most
famous comic here
he’s like oh i’m not comfortable with that
and i go you’re not comfortable with that because
that’s responsibility you feel responsible for the
young pucks
is that what
it feels like he’s a yeah that is what it is
i go you shy away from
every responsibility possible
even being the most
famous comedian
don’t look to me i don’t know nothing
i’m get out of here
and he just runs away that dude
should be so much bigger i mean there gotta be
i was talking
to mary carey when we had her on the podcast and
she was talking
about how she saw you and ari and she’s just like
what’s that guy’s name ari
shafir he was so fucking hilarious i’m like wow
you know his
name off hand well we talked to her for like five
hours on the plane too
but yeah that she did remember his name
yeah i mean look
it’s tough these days for a
comic to get
notoriety just for
their stand up
you have to get on something
where people see you there’s just so much
entertainment
value you know you have to have
a comedy central special you have to have something
and ari is at a bit of
a disadvantage just like joey is in that they’re both
ruthlessly dirty
you know which is really hilarious but it’s hard to
clean that shit up for
you know a seven
minute spot at live at gotham
or something like that you know
it was always hard for me too when i first
started out to
clean it up for like a 10
minute set or a
seven minute set
seven minutes sets are hard in the
first place
because it’s like just getting a joke out it’s like
fuck you know you when you want
to do a set you want to open up get there get their
respect get some
laughs and then slowly settle into your view of things
you can’t do that in ten minutes man
in ten minutes you got to slam them
with some shit and then just get the fuck out of there
and you know that
that’s something
that ari hasn’t done yet he hasn’t really really
knocked one out of the park and then got
a half an hour commie central special and then got an
hours commie
central special and
he doesn’t do enough
updating on his website either he’s i mean
you know i was
look i’ve had a website
since 1998 and there’s thousands of blog entries
you know i mean
and i’m a busy guy you gotta
write things you
gotta give people
things like twitter
look i write a lot of shit on twitter
is like hey the podcast is about to
start or hey you know i’m
about to do this gig
or hey you know come see me here
but a lot of the rest of it is just me writing
things that
i think are
funny and interesting or
some link that somebody
sent me that’s interesting i’m retweeting it and
i want it entertaining
i wanna make sure it’s
entertaining
it’s a part of that
whole system of
promoting yourself of getting yourself out there or
being able to work
and ari hasn’t really embraced that
you know he embraced the twitter a little bit he writes
funny tweets
every now and
then but he needs to be like real pro active
like his website
it’s not like he’s got a wife and
kids and a job and an excuse to not be doing all this
stuff you know
but at least he’s doing his podcast on your desk
squad network
and it’s the
skeptic tank if you’re looking for it that’s what ari
calls it and it’s really good
and i’ve been on it
mayhem miller’s been on it he had with
steve on his
no no that was
not a show but yeah
mayhem they’re
under death
squads has gone itunes a subscribe to
death squad has made
ari’s it has sam tripoli’s
podcast tom seguro who was on yesterday they’re all
grouped into one podcast yeah and
think about that man you would have
never thought you’d be doing something like that
yeah i mean
how crazy is that you know what’s
weird is that the whole
thing is that when i was in
middle school you had
something like a high
school a freshman in high
school you had a
shadow of the day job
where you picked
what you wanted to be when you grew up and you shadowed
them for a day
right so i shadowed a
radio station because i wanted to be a
radio dj and i
shadowed the morning zoo
wnci 979 was the dave buster douglas one
and they had buster douglas on the
radio station i
think i’ve talked
about this before but yeah a long time ago
yeah but it was
crazy because we actually buster douglas
knocked out tyson yeah
we were actually in columbus ohio
like when we did your dvd special and we are on that
radio show and the guy was
still working
as a dj and i was like you know what you were
the guy that
when i was a kid that i hung out with this guy all day
took me to breakfast took me to
lunch and now
wow now look at this it’s like i’m an
adult and you’re
still here that’s
weird adult you
still here that’s weird
yeah no it’s
interesting what podcasting has become
you know ariel hawani
and i did his
podcast yesterday and i did it through skype
which is pretty badass i did the video
portion of it through skype
and i just used the
microphone and
listened to the headsets and i’m like this is
crazy and we’re doing it in real time and it
sounds awesome
you know it
sounded really clear
sound clear
sounded great yeah
you know you can
it’s a different
world man we live in a different
world and we got
lucky we snuck in
right on the ground
floor you know
totally never
expected that i remember all these
other people were doing podcasts at the time because
i did adam carolla’s podcast way before i even
moved to colorado
you know i had done it
and i still
hadn’t done my own well it’s podcasts in general it’s
weird how they used to be popular like four years ago
like when they
first came out and ipods just
first came out
or whatever
it was huge for
oh no like who
were the huge ones back then
i remember kevin rose and all those guys
from techtv had
kevin roosevelt is he the guy
started dig
yeah same guy same guy
kevin rose yeah
crazy bastard
follow him he’s got some ideas well now he’s
not with dig anymore and everyone’s pissed because they
he pretty much digs
supposedly gone to shit
since he left and that one’s mad at him i
guess well that’s that’s what i’ve
heard oh kevin
i’ve been following i like dig
still i use dig all the time i like dig
dig com if you’ve never been
is an excellent portal for interesting stories
yeah there’s always like i will
scroll through the
first four or five pages and
every time i do it you know there’s
always something interesting that pops up that’s
where i got that billboard
story and you know there’s always
charlie sheen
asking for custody of his twins
oh that’s the fucking perfect
thing to happen
right now that’s exactly
the end of the podcast
for this goddamn
phone to ring because i
never turn it off
malibu malibu here malibu please malibu california
all right sorry
ladies and gentlemen for that that’s a
sort of an inside
joke on this podcast that i’m a retard i
never turn my fucking phone off
the real problem is i’m always usually on the
phone right up
until the time we start
and then does
there’s a bunch of them and they’re
cordless you know so they’re all
floating around i
never know where the fuck they are
and i usually just pull the plug out of the wall
i did it yesterday
actually plugged it back in
right before the
show today because i had to make a call
you don’t give a fuck and i
wouldn’t either
the point is we’ve done this for a hundred episodes now
give me some knuckles
we had a good time
red band and i have
we’ve more than
surpassed our
expectations i
never had any
going into and i don’t
think you did either no
never thought it
would be like this i thought this was actually
going to last a month
i thought like you’d get sick of it a month and
that’s the craziest
thing about that you still
you know you
still do it
i thought for sure
i’m pretty good at doing
things once i get
started i’m pretty good at
sticking to em but
when i realized it was
crazy when i realized that
weird things was happening
was when i asked the crowd in boston
i did the wilbur theatre
this is pack sold out
and i go how many and eddie bravo was there
and i yelled out to eddie cause i had my
tenth planet jujutsu shirt on
and i was like
tenth planet in the
house then i and i yelled
out how many guys listen to podcast and they went
fucking crazy
it was like ninety percent of the
crowd i was like whoa really really
and then i realized that i’m like somewhere
along the route
maybe that’s why these
crowds have been cooler lately
like over the last like six months
the crowds have gotten noticeably
cooler and they were always cool they were always
cool there was always a huge percentage of cool people
but there was
always people that didn’t know what i was up to
and they were just
you know there’s a fear
factor ufc or whatever
jamie kennedy wasn’t in town so they went to see me
you know what i mean it’s like they don’t
know what they’re doing they’re just wandering in there
but now it’s
completely changed like in philly the
whole crowd it’s all podcast fans
as they find out
about the show long before everybody else
that show was sold out a
month before we were ever there
that’s never happened to me before
the best case
scenario was like the last time i was in philly
which was like a year ago
we sold it all out
just before
i got there but this was sold out like way before that
you know so it’s
i did an extra show you did more stuff than
shut the fuck up
god damn it
who is this
again same thing
hang up on there
i don’t give a fuck
about them that’s how i roll
all right ladies and gentlemen
at that note i apologize for the
phone this won’t happen
after episode 100
i’m gonna have that shit straightened out
i’m gonna fix it
um we will be back next week as we said
adam corolla is on on tuesday and
i think we’re probably
gonna do one either wednesday or
thursday i don’t know who um
duncan trusse
is coming out next
week too yeah and joey wants to come on next week too
you know i should have duncan
and joey we
haven’t had
those combo together for a
while that’s a good
combo that’s a good combo
ladies and gentlemen
it’s been an awesome 100 episodes we
have enjoyed the fuck out of it we
thank you very much everybody that
enjoyed it we’re so
happy that you did
and i appreciate all the twitters i
appreciate all the facebook messages i
appreciate everything
thank you very very much you guys are the coolest
motherfuckers on the planet
thank you to the
flashlight for
sponsoring the podcast
if you go to joerogane
net there’s a
flashlight link on the
right hand side
you click it and
enter in the code name rogan
you would get 50
no 15 15 off the number one sex toy
from men and you can
shoot loads
and it feels awesome all
right that’s it
folks thank you very much
see you soon
love you bitches