I’ve had it. I’ve had it with the long camera set up. It’s coming right out of the gates.
Okay. Clap one. One, two, three.
So are we supposed to start the podcast? You want to start?
Okay. So I think the people kind of wanted us to do a podcast.
It’s kind of weird, but yeah, I’m excited about it.
Especially our children. We’re the biggest pushers.
Yes, that’s true. Because they all wanted to be on it.
They’re kind of narcissists. Did we raise narcissists?
Welcome to our podcast. This is I’ve Had It. I’m Jennifer.
I’m Angie, a.k.a. Pumps.
And we have a couple of producers in here, Jen, Neely,
and they’re probably going to jump in because they’re bossy and have strong opinions.
And then we have a really, really sweet sound producer, Richard, with us.
Glutton for punishment, working with all of us.
So what have you had it with this week?
Oh, yes. My number one thing I’ve had it with as the last 24 hours is I bought a watermelon.
I did all the little tasks like knocking, flipping, clicking. It was a winner.
I was like, this is what all the YouTube videos say to do.
So I get it home and not only is it shitty watermelon, it had seeds.
Why do they even make watermelons with seeds anymore?
So that’s going to wrap our adventure of being a podcast.
We’re competing on Instagram with like fucking kittens and dogs.
And you’ve got watermelon with seeds? That’s what you’ve had it with?
All right. Let me take over.
So a strangest thing happened to me this week.
So I go to Walgreens to get like some dental floss and some lipstick.
The beauty of shopping at a Walgreens is there’s no salespeople.
And if you want a salesperson, you really have to hunt them down.
Get one that might be a little bit of a go-getter.
So I’m looking at the lipstick color.
And then all of a sudden, this woman who is not wearing a Walgreens uniform,
she’s like, well, can I help you pick out the right color?
I was so alarmed and thrown off guard.
Are we sure she was a sales associate?
Yes. And she had the little Walgreens tag.
And she was kind of manning the perfume counter.
I do like a good Walgreens perfume.
Yeah, I do. I get my perfume there.
Used to be at Dillard’s, but it’s cheaper.
Was this like Erica Kane, Susan Lucci?
No, it’s called Alien.
You wear a perfume called Alien?
Yes, I have for 100 years.
Is that why you stink all the time?
Fuck you, no.
I started wearing it when I smoked all the time.
And so it would like bathe me in the fragrance.
I think I’m nose blind to Alien because I’ve never smelled perfume on you ever.
That can’t be right.
My laundry soap and we’re together all the time.
So you don’t smell it.
So anyway, by virtue of shopping at Walgreens,
I think that as a consumer, you have already said, I don’t want to help her.
Because I’m going to Walgreens.
Right. And so then I get ambushed.
And I mean, I had had it.
I don’t buy no lipstick.
Okay, let me tell you a story that I haven’t told you.
So I’m driving in my car, minding my own business.
I’m at an intersection stop, stoplight.
I look around as you do at an intersection just to see what the other cars are, whatever.
So in a car, there’s this guy in it.
He smiles real big.
And you know, I smile real big.
I mean, not like thinking one.
So you’re flirting with a man.
No, I’m not flirting with him.
I’m just like, he smiled and I smiled.
That was it.
So then he starts honking at me.
And I look over.
He had his dick out.
Wait, do you see the dick?
Yes, but I didn’t like look, look, because I was so terrified.
I just went, I just saw kind of the turtle head.
And then I was like, knew what it was.
So I was like, I’m out.
And then he kept honking at me.
And then I’m just like, of course, just like looking away and like floored it when the light changed.
Did you call like 911 and say, hey, there’s a flasher?
No, it never even occurred to me to call 911.
You didn’t think like, maybe we need to get this person pulled over and off the street since he’s.
No, I never, I never thought about that.
So the Me Too movement just kind of passed right by you.
I’ll tell you what I really thought about doing.
And it was after two lights later.
I wanted to, if I had it to do over again, I’d stop my car.
I’d roll down my window and go, let’s go bend me over that fucking car right now.
Because I think he was just a flasher.
He was just interested in the shock value.
So your biggest takeaway from.
Is that I should have sexually harassed him.
That was my takeaway.
Just kind of like to like call him out, like to shock him back.
Because I think he was doing it for shock.
So to shock him back and.
Okay, so let me ask you this.
What if he would have been like, okay, let’s go.
Well, I would have run away.
I would have never actually done it.
I just wanted to be a big talk.
In my mind.
You know how those conversations happen after.
See, I think it would have been more helpful to society at large.
Had you called the police and said, there’s a guy.
I would just want to apologize to the listeners for all the gurgling.
It’s just super loud.
I think that more appropriate thing would have been to get that tag.
Call the police.
Because what if this guy’s like a rapist?
What if he would be, would he be advertising?
Not big on fighting crime.
I mean, he was in his car.
It’s not like he hurt me or touched me or whatever.
Just plus it would have made me late to my exercise class.
So it’s not me too.
Well, today I want to talk about a subject that I think you and I have felt for a very long time.
And I think a lot of people might feel this, but they are scared to say it.
What are you going to say?
Do you think toddlers are assholes?
Of course toddlers are assholes.
I think the parents that say their toddlers aren’t assholes are the assholes.
Funny you should say that.
People like that.
Funny you should say that.
I remember it was probably around 2007.
You phoned me.
I say hello.
You immediately say, Emily is such a fucking bitch.
I cannot take it anymore.
Which was true.
Emily is my daughter who’s now almost 20.
How old was Emily at the time of this phone call?
She would have been five.
It started way before that though.
She had a mean streak from the job.
No, she totally did.
The biggest asshole toddler out of all five of our kids.
Emily, for sure.
I mean, it’s not even close.
I remember a few things about Emily.
Remember we’d drive around.
You had that white Suburban, which I affectionately refer to as the Petri dish.
It had all of our kids’ car seats in it.
We irritated the shit out of all of our fellow mom friends.
They’d go to Target together.
They’d take their kids to gymnastics together.
Why do you give a shit?
Why do you give a shit?
You don’t have to be around us.
That’s a win-win for them.
They’re the only people who can tolerate each other.
Everyone hates us so much, really, of each other.
But we’ve got Dylan and Emily in the second row, and then the babies are in the back back.
Sam was like in kindergarten or something at the time.
And we pull up.
I go in to get some stamps at the post office.
You went into I Want Cards?
I come out.
Dylan is bawling, crying.
Yeah, he’s so upset.
You are dying laughing.
Cannot breathe, you’re laughing so hard.
Dylan had said, where’s my mommy?
Where’d my mommy go?
Where’d my mommy go?
And Emily said, Dylan, your mommy gone, and she never coming back again.
Anytime anything didn’t go her way.
I remember we were at a Mexican restaurant named Chica’s.
I think you had told her, straighten it up.
So then she would start crying.
She cried and vomited in that order.
Like she knew she was doing it.
So we’re in this restaurant.
It’s a very small restaurant.
We are the table that everybody fucking hates.
Chips me and our five kids, which we always refer to her kids and my kids when we’re together
as our kids, because we kind of raise them together.
There were some respectable, civilized, dressed cute people in there.
On a date.
And Emily starts in, and it builds up to a projectile vomit.
There she starts the gagging, and I go, don’t you vomit.
I will sprink your bottom if you vomit.
You’re like, you are threatening her in front of a total restaurant full of people.
And of course she did vomit.
Right in the chip bowl.
No, she vomited right in the chip bowl.
And I’m just sitting there going, oh, mother fucker.
I mean, and I remember the people looking around at us because I wanted to be them.
I identify as them.
I did not identify as the out of control female with toddlers that you couldn’t control that
projectile vomit over a dining table.
I didn’t identify as a person that that could happen.
I just want to say for the record, and I’m not trying to be a bitch, or maybe I am.
When I took my kids out, just the two of us, they didn’t vomit on the table.
Nobody ever vomited on the table?
No, it was always Emily.
No, but she would go from zero to meltdown in about 20 seconds.
I’m glad those days are over.
That’s why I like teenagers better than toddlers.
This is why I think that people need to face it.
Toddlers are assholes.
Every time you’re on a plane and somebody’s kicking the back of your seat, who is it?
Who’s doing it?
I’ve had it with that.
I’ve had it.
Fucking had it.
Had it overall with toddlers in general.
I found this blogger.
Oh my gosh.
And she puts this blog post under the hashtag mothering with heart and joy.
Does she have five nanny?
Let me just do a slight dramatic reading here to let you know what we’re up against.
So the main topic I have to talk about again is how we speak to our small children online.
This is all caps.
Cap lock, Donald Trump 2 a.m. style cap lock.
She’s mad about it.
She’s mad about it.
Stop calling your small children assholes.
If you are a parent and call your small child any cruel name off or online, trust me, they are not the asshole you are.
Yes, you read that right.
She’s just she’s just getting her toes wet.
She says last night before I went to bed, a friend showed me the latest funny viral photo that is making its rounds in the mummy community.
Mummy as in British mother.
This photo is of a small child I think is under two.
This little child was asleep with a baby bottle of milk laying beside him over the top of him.
One of his parents or caretakers had written, I’m an asshole today in wooden little play blocks.
I think that’s hilarious.
I mean, high five to the parents that did it.
The baby, first and foremost, can’t read or get on the Internet.
So how all of a sudden it’s a victim of its parents that just had to do all the shit you have to do with a baby all day.
And none of this means you don’t love your baby.
They’re venting online.
What this person needs is a part time job.
Richard, you’ve got a couple of kids, right?
Yeah, I got two.
Have you ever thought like, God, they’re an asshole?
They’re just into everything.
It’s a constant deal.
You never get a break.
I mean, for anybody to say that their kid’s never an asshole just proves to me how blind they are.
Here’s what I think is a larger point of all of this.
When did this come about that we are supposed to get like bicycle pumps and just pump rainbows and green clovers and fucking unicorns up their ass 24-7, 365?
I know it wasn’t like that when we were young.
There was nothing like that.
The culture that every child, winners and losers don’t matter.
Every child that participates is recognized and afforded a trophy.
What did we get?
We got honorable mention.
And that was only if you were.
It was like fourth or fifth place.
Sometimes you do a science project and you wouldn’t get anything.
Am I not loud enough?
You didn’t get shit.
If you lost something, you just lost.
But I recall also like the time that you called me.
I called you and I go, she’s such a fucking bitch.
And you go, who?
And I said, Emily.
And I think you busted out laughing.
I did bust out laughing.
Because that’s hilarious.
But I do remember and I’m not trying to point fingers here.
I would never.
But I remember a time distinctly when your marriage was falling apart.
And I mean, I mean, Titanic style fucking sink with an airplane.
With like a nuclear power plant meltdown.
I mean, epic meltdown.
But I remember you crying on my front porch.
And audience, this has been like 15 years.
I’m not trying to be that heartless because we’re way past it.
But you were bawling crying and you said,
My kids’ lives are supposed to be perfect.
You love jabbing that in.
I just didn’t understand where you thought that somebody’s life was supposed to be perfect.
I remember the conversation.
I can’t deny it.
But you at some point had this.
I was the ringleader of the my kids’ lives have to be perfect movement.
To the point of codependent enabler.
All all the letters.
How about at that same time?
I remember crying to you.
Oh, my gosh.
Blah, blah, blah.
It’s so terrible.
But at least I have my kids.
And if I remember correctly, you said, Oh, God, you would have kids with somebody else.
You’d love them just as much.
It’s kind of true.
So it’s like, you know, that’s not really the silver lining.
You think it is.
Empathy is not my strong suit at times.
I’m not advocating to tell your kid that to the face, it’s an asshole unless they’re over the age of 18.
I think that at 18, you can say quit being an asshole.
Some parents are probably cringing right now.
But I just think there’s a normal flow that you can do that.
Like, I’ve heard you tell your kids.
I’ve called both my boys a dick before.
I remember Dylan, my oldest son, had a kid over.
You’ll remember this story because I called you.
He has a friend over.
He’s probably second or third grade.
They want pizza.
I order Domino’s.
The kid comes to me, the friend, not my kid, but the friend who’s spending the night.
They’re probably like eight.
Mrs. Welch, where did you order the pizza from?
I said, Domino’s.
He has a stage five meltdown that it’s not Masio’s.
Starts banging my walls, freaking out.
Like that child could have benefited from being told, You’re annoying.
You cannot behave that way.
Because nobody’s ever said, You’re so annoying.
Oh my God, that gurgling.
Is that bad?
This podcast is going to tank.
Will you take it away?
Take it away.
Watermelon seeds and pumped down iced tea.
You guys shouldn’t have come all the way from Los Angeles to do this.
Kiss my fat ass.
We were like latchkey kids.
And if I had my kids complain about what was being served to them at somebody else’s house,
I would be livid.
I mean, they would be in so much trouble.
I think that there is this movement in parenting where,
I think it started with you on my porch when your divorce was going south,
so I’m going to blame this whole movement on you when you said your kids’ lives were supposed to be perfect.
I infiltrated the rest of the world.
You recant that right now.
Well, yeah, obviously.
I should have recanted it immediately.
I think it starts with this generation with these fucking gender reveals.
Oh, my God.
You’re having a boy or a girl.
Not a kangaroo.
Not a giraffe.
It’s one of two choices.
Nobody’s popping out a hippo.
You’re not the first one that’s ever had one.
You know, there’s this praising of normal activity.
Being good is praise.
And so that’s just what you’re supposed to fucking do.
Okay, I have been hanging on to this for dear life.
Okay, so while you were in Italy, I go to a basketball game.
One of my girlfriends is sitting there.
She’s got this real pretty pink top on.
I’m like, oh, my gosh, she looks so cute for a basketball game.
She goes, well, I’m going to a baby shower after this.
And I said, oh, okay.
She goes, I had to go buy this shirt.
And I said, why?
She said, because the invitation said to wear pink because it’s a girl.
So now not only do we have to all praise you for having a boy or a girl,
everybody has to go out and buy something new to go with the color.
I mean, I think she should have called that person and said,
listen to me, you little motherfucker.
Nobody gives a flying fuck if it’s a boy or a girl.
So why don’t we just have cake and give you some presents?
Why do we have to make this big of a deal?
But, I mean, just the entitlement to think that anybody else gives a shit,
what your kid’s going to be outside of the grandparents and the parents.
Again, it’s not a giraffe.
Which would be a scientific miracle that should be celebrated.
We would celebrate that.
If there was interspecies birth giving, I mean, I’d be the first.
I would have a whole episode on that.
I would have a scientist in here that we’d interview.
We get our guy, Neil.
Inside joke audience.
I made Pops listen to a podcast the other day in preparation for this.
And I said, which one did you listen to?
And she said, oh, with that guest, um, Neil deGrasse Tyson.
And she mispronounces everything.
She’s a goddamn redneck from Oklahoma.
I am a small town girl.
You’re an Oklahoma city girl.
Which is a city.
But it’s like a small town.
But I mean, I.
You’re a redneck.
I’m a redneck.
Loud and proud.
The mother that had the shower where you had to dress.
Here’s the, here’s the deal with the baby showers.
Number one, they’re insufferable.
Thank you notes.
Nobody really wants to go.
And then the circle jerk where everybody’s sitting around in a circle and you pull out a onesie and everybody goes, oh, I mean, put a sock in it.
Nobody gives a shit.
People have been breeding literally since the beginning of our species and other species have done it prior to us.
And it’s exciting.
It is exciting.
I think baby showers, they need to be.
I think sometimes you need to take into account the feelings of the guest.
It’s a very exciting time and people are like 15 minutes worth of excited.
But they don’t want to spend two hours on a Saturday being excited about somebody else’s wedding or birthday.
So a hundred percent, you’re not taking into the account guest, particularly a baby shower.
Cause I mean, I remember a friend of had a baby shower for Josh and me when I was pregnant with Dylan.
It was a couple’s baby shower, which is better.
A hundred percent better.
But I’m eight months pregnant, fatter than a goddamn pig.
I have to socialize and everybody is completely hammered.
And the only way that drunk people are tolerable is if you’re drunk, you have to be drunk with the drunk people.
Otherwise you don’t want to be around drunk people.
So at every turn, I see that probably the biggest gift that a person that’s pregnant could give to those that love them is just to say,
in lieu of torturing you with a circle jerk of opening up onesies, diapers, booties, car seats.
We all know what the gifts are going to be.
Nobody’s popping out a hooker and some cocaine.
That’s not happening at the baby shower, which would be really interesting.
That doesn’t happen.
And so I think you could just say in lieu of, you know, having hosting the baby shower circle jerk, I’m registered here.
Send a gift, send a gift.
And I would probably appoint that person for a Nobel peace prize.
I mean, truly, I think, I think it could really solve a lot of problems.
Well, what you’ve got is people who like we’re in the age now where we’re going to graduations, right?
But there’s a time in your life where all you’re doing every weekend is going to a wedding because that’s where you are in your life.
And then all you’re doing is going to baby showers.
So it’s like if they gave you a wedding shower, you have to give them a wedding shower, baby shower.
It just the list goes on and on and on.
It’s a tit for tat.
It is a tit for tat.
But the number one most obnoxious thing about the whole thing is the gender reveal party.
We are going to elaborate on this in another episode.
If anybody even listens to this one, because I know everybody’s glued to their seats about how Pubs had it with watermelons, seeds and a watermelon.
Do you guys or I mean, would that would that be something that you would have it with if you bought a watermelon with seeds?
And I think it’s kind of expected.
I mean, yes.
Watermelons have seeds.
Apples have seeds.
I know, but they now like that’s the first watermelon I bought like two years that had seeds.
So once the once you discovered the watermelon had seeds, what’d you do?
I threw it away.
And you ate a?
Tell the listener about what your theory is about pineapples.
I’ve always heard that pineapples are the universal sign that you want to be a swinger.
What did you think when you first found out about the swingers?
I mean, I was shocked.
Yeah, it’s shocking.
It’s pretty shocking.
And then, of course, I immediately think, what if the wife’s beautiful?
So your husband’s all in and the husband’s a complete fucking dog that you get stuck with.
I mean, that would be kind of my one and two.
Okay, so let me because this is the first time I ever heard this, that the pineapple.
I think everybody except you knows that.
Nellie, Nellie, pineapple international sign of swingers.
Yes or no.
First heard it or you known it your whole life?
First time hearing it.
First time hearing it.
I hate to say it, but I have to go with pumps.
Are you a swinger?
But you have to be leery.
Like, they got pineapples all like in their house and pictures and all that stuff.
You got to be like, okay, let’s not drink too much.
Because they may be wanting to kick it.
So if you came over to my house, if Josh and I were having a little shindig, and let’s
say we were serving pineapple drinks, little pineapple appetizer, and had maybe some pineapple
accessories, you’d immediately go, these two are swingers.
Is this an aggressive way of asking?
Are you trying to hit on me with your serving pineapple, pineapple drinks and pineapple
I’d like to jump in.
We have a couple who was a couple.
They have pineapples all over the house.
I am shocked.
And they are.
And they are swingers?
And they are.
It is true.
Look at you.
People drive down the street, beat off to you.
You absolutely are not victimized by it.
I am so shocked right now.
Okay, so wait.
So these people, are they boy, girl?
Husband, wife, legally married.
Pineapples out the wazoo.
The swinging is new.
The swinging is new.
Did the pineapples in the house predate the announcement to you all of the swinging?
So it was going on behind your back.
It was just new to you all.
If the pineapples were there.
No, she would have told me.
According to Pumps, maybe they were just, they had already outed themselves to the world.
It’s like a secret group.
You think swingers were assholes when they were toddlers?
I don’t think so.
I don’t think so.
I think they were probably good sharers.
What adults, like a famous adult right now, are you like 100% was an asshole as a toddler?
Oh God, Larry David, of course.
I mean, don’t you think he was just an obstinate child?
No, I think he was probably perfect.
I love, I’m not going to tolerate any sort of child abuse.
No, I know.
Towards Larry David, first and foremost.
All our kids were assholes and we love them and think they’re great.
I think it would have made him a better toddler if he had that smart ass.
Probably not a great teenager though.
I do remember though, if you don’t have kids and somebody wants to talk about their kids
all the time or they bring their kid, that’s a huge violation is when you’re having an
adult night and they bring their kid and the whole complexion of the night changes.
It’s a huge violation when somebody waltzes in.
We had a pool party not long ago.
Some friends that we invited texted and said, can we bring such and such and such and such,
which were their kids, because it was like a divorce situation.
I just said, no, do not come.
Do not bring your kids.
I am at the stage in my life where if I’m going to be around kids, they’re going to
be my kids, your kids, or kids that I shared DNA with.
Josh and I recently went over to some friend’s house.
We did not want to stay.
And I flat out told them like, I don’t think we’re going to stay for dinner.
We’re already starving.
You guys eat late.
We played tennis for two hours.
I do not think that I can stay at this party.
And Josh looked at them and he goes, and we’ve got to get home to our dogs.
I think it’s better to say we just don’t want to stay.
I’ve decided just to be honest.
I was invited by these people to go to a dinner.
I was going to be in Italy.
And there are some people I do business with.
They make these beautiful cabinets.
And they said, we’re going to send a car to pick you and Josh up to come to our dinner
And I was at Lake Como.
It’s only like 30 minutes away.
So I was like, oh, that sounds great.
I told Josh, yeah, we’re going to go to this bougie dinner in Milan.
So this gal sends the invitation over.
And it says that the dinner starts at nine.
We’re asleep by nine.
I didn’t even try to come up with any excuse.
I said, reply all.
Dear such and such, thank you so, so much for the invitation.
However, that is past my bedtime.
And I have to get to bed early that night because I have tennis lessons the very
I hope your event is a great success.
I’m just, I’m done.
I’m not even going to make up shit anymore.
I think we’re to the point now.
I think we can just say thank you so much for the invite.
I simply don’t want to come to your party.
But I will say, as we both hate group texters and people that abuse it,
the reply all was kind of a little bit of an abuse because nobody else on the
invitation list gives a fuck if you’re coming or not.
That could have gone straight to the hostess.
No, they were all, they were a business of people that hosted the event.
Oh, oh, okay.
So it wasn’t just the hostess.
I thought you were making everybody on the invite list suffer,
suffer whether or not you were coming or not,
which they don’t care if you’re coming or not.
So let me ask you this.
Do you think our kids are humiliated by this episode where we say that for
sure, when our kids were little, they were assholes.
I don’t know because my kids already know I’ve told them.
They’ve asked me if you, if we went back in time,
would you want to do that over again?
I’m like, absolutely not.
but I don’t ever want to go back to that little bitty baby stage,
the toddler where you have to do everything for them,
cut up their food.
And, you know,
I was that stupid mother that said everything I said I wouldn’t do as a
So I was the number one, they’re going to eat what I fix.
Like what if I make it, they’re going to eat it by God.
And I remember one night I had macaroni and cheese going mashed potatoes
going and rice going because everybody wanted something else.
And I thought, who’s the fucking problem here?
I think mostly kids are normal if they’re assholes.
I think the problem is the parents are really the assholes.
I think being a toddler and being an asshole are synonymous.
I think parents pointing it out to other parents are putting the blocks
It’s just totally normal because your life has been hijacked.
And the part of it is beautiful and awesome and amazing.
And you feel this love that you’ve never felt before.
But this other part is like, Oh my God.
It’s a grind.
It’s a total grind.
And I think that we have to be able to tell our friends,
my kid was being an asshole today.
Because there’s some camaraderie.
Misery loves company.
Misery loves company.
There’s this expectation that’s put on parents that you’re supposed to say
Being a parent is awesome.
It’s the best thing that ever happened to me.
I think people have forgotten that you can have compound feelings.
You can have two feelings at the same time.
This is the very best thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life.
But the day that Emily vomited in Chica’s Mexican restaurant projectile,
and everybody looked at us, that was one of the worst days.
It was awful.
We could not get them to bed quick enough.
That’s why I’m pretty lax about all the rules except 8 o’clock bedtime.
I mean, 8 o’clock bedtime at my house when the kids were little was like militant.
It was like military time.
And everyone’s like, oh, my gosh, you do so good with bedtime.
And I’m like, that’s because I’d go crazy if they were up for two more hours.
I mean, their bedtime is for me.
I have a question.
So if Jen and I have a child, we can’t come over for a pool party with our child?
If somebody says we’re having some other couples over for an adult pool party
and you show up with a baby, I not only don’t think you should come to my party,
but I don’t want you producing the podcast, nor do I want you to be my friend.
I’ll tell you what I’ve had it with.
Let’s hear it.
I’ve had it with that.
I’ve had it.
All I can say about that is, I’ve had it.