Make sure your mind gets close to you.

Um, okay, should the pups do the clapping?

Should we fix her hair first?

What is happening to my hair?

Well, fix it!

Be nice!

Well, I don’t mean, like, should we fix it?

For God’s sake!

She was contemplating what to happen.

I’m so sorry, Millie.

That was so mean.

Fix it!

Is that better?

Welcome to I’ve Had It Podcast, starring Mariah Carey.

Pups, what have you had it with this week?

What I’ve had it with is the Christmas lights going onto your house before Thanksgiving.

Number one is, if you listen to right-wing media, they claim there is a war on Christmas.

And that is such bullshit.

Christmas won that war.

Welcome to our podcast called I’ve Had It, featuring myself, Jennifer, and Angie Pumps.

We have fucking had it with the imaginary war on Christmas that Christmas clearly won

2,000 years ago.

Something that goes along with Thanksgiving and Christmas is travel.

Jen and Millie, you two motherfuckers cuddle on a plane, don’t you?

Yes or no?

I don’t know.

What if you’re sitting on a plane next to each other, it’s five hours, and you want

to put your head on someone’s shoulder and nuzzle in?

Let’s define this.

I don’t think a lean-in is a cuddle.

No, I don’t either.

I’m down with a lean-in.

Well, what’s a cuddle to you, though?

A cuddle would be like you got arms together, legs pretzeling.

Who can pretzel on a plane?

I’ve seen crazy people do it.

Let me tell you something that’s really got me all worked up.

Something I’ve completely had it with.

It’s the abuse going on on the escalators.

Let me tell you what’s going on on the escalators.

So, I think there is an unspoken rule of common sense that mirrors the way we drive.

That you ride on the right and you pass on the left.

Every time I’m in an airport, and I figure I’m on this staircase, I might as well walk

and just burn that many more calories.

The person ahead of me has made that decision for me by parking out their fucking suitcase

right next to them with their goddamn big cup and straw on top of that.

Here’s something else that bugs the shit out of me when I travel.

So, we went to Machu Picchu, right?

So, there’s this one money shot.

Everybody’s kind of waiting in line to get to this spot.

And then there are the spot abusers, okay?

That start to put on a full 15-minute photo shoot.

They lack the self-awareness of the people around them.

All we wanted to do, Welch, family, party of four, hop in, smile, thumbs up,

we’re at Machu Picchu, and then get the fuck out.

But we have to wait on these grandstanders, influencers,

that are doing a 20-part photo shoot, and it’s a huge problem.

So, on today’s episode, we have a guest, and her name is Becca,

and she is one-third of the podcast sensation, The Lady Gang.

And she obviously travels a lot, and so she has a lot to weigh in on

that is the horror that has become travel.

She’s particularly upset about what people are wearing and all sorts of things.

And, I mean, there’s nothing I love more than airing grievances

with somebody who’s just right with us.

So, I think we’re going to drag out this horse and beat it with Becca.

Let’s get Becca on.

Hi, Becca. Thank you so much.

You guys, I am so sorry.

Ever since I had a fucking baby, I cannot keep my schedule in line,

and I’m so sorry.

I have to ask, how old is your child?

He’s nine months old.

Oh, golly, you’re in the weeds, man.

Guys, I just spent four days during Thanksgiving keeping my kid away from an open fireplace.

Like, shoot me in the face.

No, you’re in what Poms and I refer to as the kid jail phase.

Yes.

Where you are in jail with your kid, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

You are in kid jail.

And when your kid gets old enough to go to school,

and there’s some day they don’t go to school, like President’s Day or something,

or Martin Luther King Day, it is the biggest dick over on the planet

because all you want to do is take the child, drop them off.

And we used to smoke cigarettes together all the time.

Both of us have quit, but we used to go drop the kids off,

and she would say, I’m coming to your front porch, let’s burn.

And we would just, I mean, one after another after another.

You’re in the phase also with Christmas tree.

Like, do you put up a tree because you know they’re going to be all into it?

We’re not even doing the Christmas tree for that reason.

I was like, I’m not spending my days grabbing his little leg

and yanking him from underneath the Christmas tree.

It’s not happening.

I just put a little bitty tiny fake one on the table one year.

So, Becca is joining us today because she has had it with something that I think is universal.

And it’s something that needs to be discussed.

We need to drag out this dead horse and beat the ever living shit out of it.

And it is the misery of traveling with all of these fuckers in the airport.

So, Becca, let us know, what is your number one out of all of the pet peeves?

What is your number one pet peeve of traveling?

Well, it’s the attire that people are wearing.

And specifically, I don’t want to see a man’s toes.

Really ever.

But certainly not on an airplane.

Not if they’re fetish girls.

No.

And I don’t want to see your personal blanket or pillow on that airplane.

I think it’s revolting.

You’ve put your crusty face on that pillow every night.

They’re never clean looking.

And that throw pillow has cat hair, dog hair.

Just grime from your house.

And you’re going to bring that onto the plane and make me sit next to you

as you rest your little crusty pillow against the window and make me watch you do that?

I want to circle back to the attire.

Because this is something that I totally agree with you on.

And we go to Europe, our family goes to Europe every summer.

In Europe, the people in airports are dressed really well.

They look good.

They look sharp.

And I’m like, okay, I like this.

Everybody looks good.

Everybody’s traveling.

They’re dressed for the occasion.

You land in the United States of America and it is a God damn dump truck.

It is just everybody is like in these cutoffs and these just big baggy T-shirts,

trucker’s hats, you know, dorky socks pulled up.

And my son, Roman, he was like, God, Mom, I mean, Americans just don’t dress well.

And I’m like, I know.

Because you can do like athleisure chic on a plane.

You can pull together.

You can look comfy and cute.

But it’s chaos with the attire at the airport.

And, again, there’s no oversight.

There was a man standing in front of me to board, dare I say, a Southwest flight.

I will say that’s the worst dressed list.

And he was in the thinnest, oldest, I don’t even – sweat pant.

I don’t even think – pajama meets sweat pant hybrid.

And I could see a full outline of his cock and balls.

That’s what I like to call the sport package.

But just from head to toe, you could tell he rolled out of bed.

Listen, I don’t think you – I love a regular shower.

I just got out of one.

I love a night shower.

I love a morning shower.

I get it.

Sometimes you’re busy.

You have kids.

Whatever.

I want you to at least try to fake it that you took a shower this morning.

Try to fake it.

Do a hooker bath at the bare minimum.

Yeah.

Whatever it takes.

But it’s just so inconsiderate that I’m going to now have to sit next to your crusty toenails

and your greasy hair for three hours on Southwest.

So on Southwest, here’s one of my biggest pet peeves that I have absolutely fucking had it with.

And it’s the comedy routine put on by the flight attendant.

And every time they do it, everybody kind of dorky laughs,

and I literally want to stand up and scream,

put a sock in it and get us from point A to B.

I have had it.

I am not at a comedy show.

Serve the drink, throw the peanuts,

sit down and shut the fuck up.

I’d honestly rather them be mean to me than put on the comedy routine.

The comedy bums me out as well.

It’s terribly cheesy jokes, but I will one-up you.

A friend of mine was just on – my other podcast host was on a Southwest flight,

and they were getting off the plane,

and the Southwest flight attendant hugged every single person goodbye.

No.

Yeah.

Barney the dinosaur.

I mean, I have had it with that.

I mean, that is so over the top, especially post-COVID.

That’s what I was going to say.

I mean, that’s ridiculous.

One great thing that came out of COVID is we don’t have to touch each other as much.

I appreciate we don’t have to hug all the time, you know?

What about the applause at landing when everybody starts clapping when the plane lands?

And here’s my problem with that, Becca.

Why are we rewarding people for doing their job?

Why are we clapping for a pilot for landing the fucking plane?

That’s their job.

Well, because in America, it’s hard to get people to just do the bare minimum.

I actually do sometimes want to clap.

If I call in a takeout order and it’s complicated,

I do feel an overwhelming excitement when they repeat back to me and they’re right.

So maybe that’s what it is, is that everybody’s so mediocre at their jobs.

I agree with the clapping on a plane.

There was once a meme that was like, you’ve met the man of your dreams.

He’s rich.

He’s beautiful.

He’s got a huge penis, but he claps when they land the plane.

Let me ask you this.

Do you travel with your podcast co-hosts?

We do.

All three of you on the same plane at the same time.

And would you say that they’re good travelers?

So it’s three girls.

Kelty, we made fun of her for the first two years of this podcast

because anywhere we flew, we would fly American

because she was part of the Admirals Club

and they have one other name for their stupid status.

Advantage.

Advantage.

And then some other, again, some really crazy thing

that you have to be selected for.

You don’t even have to…

You have to spend the amount of money and get the miles,

and then you also have to be selected, some stupid thing.

And so every time we would get on a plane, she would get upgraded

and just really, that really chapped our asses

because she was in the front.

So she was really entitled for a while.

She’s fine.

The other one is sometimes I have to give her a talking to

because another thing I hate is when girls wear bike shorts on airplanes.

It’s a big thing now.

It’s a big…

Millennials and Gen Zers are loving wearing bike shorts.

They do wear bike britches.

Bike britches.

Bike britches.

So Jack is the other girl, and she is always in a crop top,

always in a bike short.

And I’m like…

Okay.

I have never once been in an airport and been like,

you know what I wish?

I wish I was showing more skin.

Just there’s no environment that I feel like I want to be looked at less in

than an airport.

I completely agree.

Well, let me tell you about my traveling companion, Pumps.

For some reason, the people in my life that I love a lot,

and one is my husband, Josh.

One is her.

They have toddler-like impulses,

and it is a 911 emergency-style situation with both of them.

And I have fucking had it back.

So we just get back from Mexico,

and everywhere she goes she has to take all of these beverages,

and she’s spilling them on people.

She’s slinging bras off.

Then as soon as we get on the plane, she’s got to pee again.

It’s non-stop.

My husband’s the same way.

With Pumps and Josh, it’s like, you know what?

I’m at a Hardee’s today.

I don’t think I’ve ever taken a shit in a Hardee’s.

This is going to be an opportunity.

And it’s unbelievable.

But I don’t do it on planes.

You would.

I mean, if I had to, I would.

In a heartbeat.

You took a shit in a cup on the side of the road.

Stop.

You did.

I know I did.

She did.

Do we have to talk about it?

I’m just saying.

No?

No, it happened, I think, after that.

Okay, because I feel like I’ve seen an episode of something.

Was it me?

Yeah, it was her.

Oh, it was me.

Look, she doesn’t want to talk about it.

We toured on a tour bus for our most recent book tour for the podcast,

and you can’t take a poop on a bus.

You have to ask the bus driver to pull over.

So we’ll drive all night long.

You can pee.

You can brush your teeth.

You can shower, but you cannot take a shit in that toilet.

So I thought for sure I was the one with digestive issues that I would be

needing a toilet.

So it happens that Kelthy, my partner, did end up shitting herself on the bus.

And I think it’s – I mean, in the moment, it’s awful.

It’s terrible.

But I think that it’s like a war story.

It’s humbling, but it’s a badge of honor, in my opinion.

Thank you, Becca.

Here’s a war story.

So Josh and I, every year we go to the Rosewood Mayakoba for Thanksgiving.

And this is probably 10 years ago.

It was the first time everybody started talking about the supermoon.

It’s like, it’s the supermoon, blah, blah, blah.

So we take the kids outside.

We see the supermoon.

Spoiler alert, it looks like the normal moon.

And we go to bed, and about three hours into sleeping,

I hear this,

Jennifer.

And I’m like, wake up.

I’m like, yeah?

And he goes, there’s been an explosion.

I immediately abort out of the bed.

And he goes, will you help me clean it up?

And I’m like, you’re on your own.

I go and crawl in bed with my sons.

Josh proceeds to take all the sheets off, gives them to housekeeping,

and blames it on Roman, who at the time is five years old.

And I’m like, I cannot believe that you shit the bed

and blamed it on somebody in fucking kindergarten.

That is a new low, even for you.

I mean, if you’re going to shit the bed, own it.

I shit the bed.

Fuck that.

Becca, we were talking before you got here.

We’re so impressed that you have more than one friend.

We’re the only friends you have.

You have two.

Yeah, I have a lot of friends.

I’m really particular with my friends,

and I have friends with annoying habits as well.

So my tolerance is low.

You can’t come to my house and stay more than two nights.

I think that house guests are like leftovers.

After two days, they start to stink.

And I think people in my life are slightly scared of me too,

so that helps with my friendships.

It’s a power dynamic that works.

But, yeah, I mean, you guys have a friendship that I’m very envious of.

That’s the only type of female friendship that I want

and that I want to see.

We have obviously been friends for 20 years,

raised our kids together,

and her kids are like my kids and vice versa.

So this is just supernatural for us.

I mean, even I think the first time I met her,

and we’ve talked about this in the past,

she had to pull over at a fucking Firestone and take a shit.

And I was nine months pregnant.

She was.

Can you imagine anything worse?

Lied to the worker at the tire shop, lied to him,

and said, oh, I’m looking for my mom in here.

And here’s the, like, worker stand, and then there’s the back.

Right.

And she goes and has a Stage 5 blowout.

Pardon the pun.

At the tire store.

I did.

Okay.

I want to ask a few more questions about traveling,

and let’s survey the room here.

When the plane lands, are you a stander or a sitter?

I’m going to go first.

I think you wait until your row,

and then you stand up in order of row.

So if you’re in row Z, you’re going to wait.

You’re going to go through every letter of the goddamn alphabet

before you stand up, even if you’re on the aisle.

I have courtesy.

Okay.

Becca?

To go out into the aisle, I do follow the rules,

and I let every row go.

Are you saying that you get out into the aisle,

and you exit, like, before?

Yes.

I do.

It’s so obnoxious.

I’m like, where the fuck are you going?

Listen, I wait.

The minute that plane lands,

I take my seat belt off against FAA guidelines immediately.

The tires touch, I take the seat belt off.

The minute they hit the brakes and you’re waiting on the jet bridge,

I stand up.

If the person next to me doesn’t stand up either,

I immediately start judging them,

and I think this lazy motherfucker is just going to sit there.

She bounces out into the middle of the hall

and acts like she’s going to unlock the jetway herself.

I’m just like, I’m sitting there going,

where the fuck are you going?

Where are you going?

She’s getting her bag out over people, like, little old people.

I mean, it’s ridiculous.

What about chitchat?

Oh, God.

That’s what I was just going to say.

Becca, we have to have your input.

This is one of my least favorites.

We hate yak mouths.

I hate yak mouths.

I hate yak mouths.

So you’re flying by yourself.

You sit down, and some guy or girl sits down

and immediately starts chitchatting.

How do you feel on the inside,

and how do you act outwardly towards the person?

How I feel on the inside is rage.

Please let this be the last word that you speak to me

forever, until the end of time.

But usually it isn’t.

So on the outside, I’m very pleasant.

I have a really hard time showing people

when I’m annoyed with them, strangers.

And sometimes I’m going to admit this.

Sometimes I give them too much.

I’m not good with the short, curt answers.

I don’t like hurting people’s feelings.

So I will sometimes talk to a 76-year-old woman

who’s telling me that her kids also live in L.A.

and what they do for a living,

and I ask her about her grandchildren.

And I get in.

I get in, and it doesn’t feel good.

You go all the way.

You’re an enabler.

I’m an enabler.

You’re an enabler.

With the Yak Mouse, when I’m traveling for work

and I’m traveling solo,

the earpods have been the biggest gift.

Okay, that’s what I was going to say, though.

There should be like, fasten your seatbelt sign

if your neighbor is wearing earpods.

They don’t want to chitchat.

People talk to me over my earpods.

Let me ask you guys a question.

This guy I saw like on YouTube or,

I’m sorry, not YouTube, Instagram.

Some guy’s sitting next to

Ted Fuckface Cruz on an airplane.

Okay, first of all, could you imagine

that you sit down

and Ted Fuckface Cruz comes and sits down next to you?

What would you do, Becca?

God, I mean.

This flies commercial all the time.

When they come by to take our drink order,

I’m going to ask if they have any margaritas

because we’re landing in Texas

but there’s a winter storm,

so I know he’s going to want to head back to Mexico.

Stay on the plane and head back to Mexico.

That is fantastic.

And flee the problem.

Or I might be like,

Hi, nice to meet you.

My name is Becca Tobin.

I’m actually giving you a business card

for my abortion speakeasy

that I’m opening in the basement of my house.

If any of your girlfriends

get knocked up with your disgusting spawn,

here you go.

They can come to me.

Okay, Becca, I have one for you on the bad traveler.

How about the person that you’re behind in the security line?

That you’ve been in a long security line with that person

and they get up to the security officer.

They don’t have their passport or driver’s license out.

They can’t find their boarding pass.

They still have their shoes on.

They have holding water in their hand.

I think you should have to go back, get out of line,

and go to the back

every time you’re not prepared in security.

I 100% agree.

The reason, I mean,

at this point, if you’re not doing clear

and TSA pre-check,

I don’t have time for you.

I don’t care if you fly once every five years.

When the TSA person is screaming,

because they’re all screaming at JFK.

They’re like, take the water out of your bag.

Take your ID out.

Be ready.

They’re screaming orders.

And no one is listening.

This is humanity.

If she can do it.

Anybody can do it.

Let me tell you one final thing about pumps

that I think.

I’m scared.

It’s pretty good.

So, you know, she quit smoking.

She vapes.

She vapes nonstop.

I mean, it’s just constant.

So we’re flying.

And, you know, again, the flight attendants say,

you know, you can’t vape on an airplane.

Well, pumps,

keeps her vaping her cleavage.

Which there’s a lot of storage space in there.

It’s definitely.

She can store a lot of stuff in her cleavage.

Extra purse.

So I look over and she has her boobs kind of hiked up.

No.

You know, with her arms.

And she’s vaping through her cleavage.

And then she kind of sprinkler shoots the vape out.

Like a sprinkler.

Like, no, I take issue with the fact.

I’m such a good vapor on a plane.

When you wear a mask.

Like I was kind of sad.

The mask requirement left because it was just primo vaping.

But.

I don’t spit it out.

I mean, I hold it all the way in.

I can see it.

I can.

I don’t know if that’s true.

I can smell it.

And I can sell it.

Maybe.

I can see the vape.

I don’t.

What is the flavor of the vape?

Strawberry Kiwi.

You want to know something infuriating?

Is that.

My husband in his office.

His home office has a bathroom.

And that’s where he does.

You know, number one and number two.

And.

Occasionally I will go in there.

If he’ll.

He’s just come out of there.

And leaving our nine month old baby with me in the kitchen.

Because he’s got to go to the bathroom.

And I go in there.

I don’t smell number two.

I smell vape.

I smell.

Strawberry shortcake.

Kiwi surprise.

Pastel cartel.

Whatever the fuck it is.

And I’m like.

Either you’re.

Running away to the bathroom to vape.

Or you’re taking a shit and you’re vaping at the same time.

I’m not sure which one I hate more.

You know what’s interesting about the transition.

And from cigarettes to vaping.

Is cigarettes were these manly things.

You had the marble.

He had a horse.

And he was basically riding it bareback.

And he had a hat.

He had a lasso.

And he was this badass motherfucker that smoked cigarettes.

Now we’ve got the vapors.

And he went from like this total manly man thing to do.

To now your husband is hiding in the bathroom.

Vaping strawberry shortcake.

It’s amazing.

It’s amazing how society has just transitioned.

You know from being such hardcore.

The fall of the marble man.

The fall of the marble man.

Wow.

You’re right.

It’s like Kevin Costner.

I don’t want to see him vaping on that horse.

I want to see him with a dirty ass cigarette.

So Becca what is your stance on emotional support animals.

In an airport and on the plane.

I have to be honest.

I have treated my dogs like children my whole life.

So my ass is chapped.

Now that airlines don’t accept emotional support animals.

I am devastated.

And my eight-year-old dog who has traveled her whole life on my lap.

Now is relegated to a bag and a seat in front of me.

And it is.

It’s abuse.

I hear your pain.

Becca and I.

I am ridiculed.

And berated and browbeat by my alleged best friend.

All the time because of the way that I treat.

What I perceive as my biological children.

Tubby and Chow Chow.

I treat my dogs better than I treat fucking people.

Me too.

I mean I want to treat them better than I treat my children.

My husband.

And most of all you.

Do you now.

I don’t know if you’re allowed to say this on your podcast.

But did you do the service animal thing.

The racket of getting a service animal.

She was the first one in line on the racket service.

Yeah.

They’re registered.

They’re registered in the National Service Dog Registry.

I was like I’m embarrassed.

I’m going to tell people you have diabetes.

I’m too embarrassed to say.

She just can’t go anywhere without her fucking dog.

And I think that the person that you’ve had it with is the asshole that brought a peacock on the plane.

Like people took it too far.

It’s a bridge too far.

Yeah.

Everybody brought their little dog.

It had been fine.

Why can’t we just ask the airlines to just make it specifically.

Dogs are emotional support and every other animal can fuck right off because.

Right.

Dogs are like humans.

I don’t care what anybody says.

They feel deeper than than any other animal.

Maybe not.

But in my mind.

Even when I see cats.

Cat people are going to be very upset with me.

But your cat does not want to go on your fucking vacation with you.

Cats are fucking assholes.

I hate cats.

Cats are assholes.

Cats are on the plane.

Dogs bring complete joy to the majority of civilized people, Angie.

But you know what else.

Her dog farts on the plane the entire time.

It is a problem.

Like it’s a gas ball.

I have had people text me that she didn’t know that we’re sitting behind she and puppy.

And they have texted me from the plane and said.

Oh my gosh.

We think Jennifer Welch’s dog is farting on the plane.

It smells so bad.

And I have to text back.

Oh yeah.

That’s his specialty.

Like get ready.

Buckle in.

It’s the whole flight.

This is Jennifer’s blind spot.

It’s mine too.

It’s truly.

My husband is horrified so many times.

And it’s just it’s something.

It’s a blind spot.

But it’s going nowhere.

Oh, you are so fun, Becca.

It’s so much fun.

Everybody.

Becca has a great podcast.

It’s super popular that I’m sure all of you listen to called The Lady Gang.

I love your show so much.

I think it’s so funny.

I just listened to the.

The sex.

Sex.

Fetish.

Mail order bride.

Mail order bride.

I loved your Burning Man because honestly, Burning Man, it was something that I’ve been

almost talked into so many times.

But after your episode, I was like, fuck.

No.

See, I am.

So I have so much.

This we are doing.

The Lord’s work.

Well, it’s exciting.

Totally.

We prevented you from going on the worst vacation of your fucking life.

Our producers.

You know, they’re so sad.

They went and they’re big proponents of Burning Man.

So thank you for that, because I could have been in Burning Man next year and it would

have been a real disaster.

You would have hated it.

Hated.

What about that?

I mean, the seven hour exit.

That was the thing.

That was the nail in the coffin for me.

Absolutely not.

I agree.

I agree.

So thank you for your work.

Oh, you’re welcome.

You’re welcome.

We intend to flip a lot of people.

Maybe we could get to like a thousand.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I hope after this podcast comes out, I want people to let you know how they’ve gone

to get dressed to get on a plane and they elevated it slightly just because they heard

this podcast.

They put on a sock with a shoe that covers their toes.

I just that’s all I ask.

Stop wearing bike britches.

Thank you guys so much for having me.

I love the podcast.

Thank you, Becca.

Bye.

She is a ball.

Yeah, she’s precious.

Can I go to the bathroom real quick before we.

You just said the word precious.

So I was in London at the Roger Federer Labor Cup when he retired.

And there were these cute little British people and they had like on British flags and they

were all dolled up.

And I was like, oh my gosh, you guys look precious.

And the guy looked at me with his, you know, almost condescending British accent.

He’s like, I haven’t been called precious since I was three years old.

I was like, well, Americans kind of use that word as meaning cute.

Like he was like, cute.

I haven’t.

So I totally like complimented him.

And it turns out I completely offended him on the same trip in London.

We were in London.

We are walking through Hyde Park.

Josh stepped out in the bicycle path and this guy said, watch where you’re going.

You fucking cunt.

Josh.

And I immediately thought I didn’t think, hey, don’t call my man that.

I looked at Josh and God, I love that guy.

You don’t have a problem using cunt.

I reserve that.

For special people.

Special people.

There’s only three people that I can get on board that are 100 percent.

Cunts.

Yeah.

Are any of them in this room?

No.

Yes.

Winner.

Speaking of, what does that remind you of?

See you next Tuesday.

Look at that.

Look at the growth.

Pumps.

I’m so proud of you.

And I didn’t take my ears off until after.

How do you know we’re finished?

Because I’m tired.

Okay.

I love you.

I love you.

Cunt.