I've Had It - Male Vanity and Green Text Bubbles

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Pumps, how are you today?

I’m great except for the allergies.


I have like the worst eye bags in history.

You’re still beautiful.

You’re such a bitch.

I mean it.

I can tell by that voice you don’t mean it.

I mean it.

That’s your patronizing voice.

Is that how terrible of a person I am that when I pay you a compliment you don’t believe

it’s sincere?

It’s not just how terrible you are, it’s even worse than terrible.

So why don’t you start off with what you’ve had it with this week?

What I’ve had it with this week is people that break through your Do Not Disturb.

Why don’t you tell…

So I think you’re talking about on your phone you can click Do Not Disturb and you put that

setting on.


And then what happens say around 5am, 5.15am?

My phone starts blaring and vibrating all at the same time and it’s 100% of the time

it’s you.

So audience, here’s a little life hack.

If somebody’s Do Not Disturb is on, if you just immediately start the Psycho Dial, Apple

thinks it’s an emergency, which it clearly is.


And it will start ringing.

So the Do Not Disturb sign you can actually break through.

You just have to Psycho Dial.

I Psycho Dial pumps.

So do you want to know what I’ve had it with?

What have you had it with?

Android phones.

Do you want to know why?

I know exactly why.

Because you’ve got a group text going.

Everything’s fucking fantastic.

It’s blue.

It’s blue.

You can share things.

Everything’s going great.

Switch and you go to a different group text and there’s always somebody that’s got the

fucking Android.


I agree.

And it ruins everything.

It ruins all of the group text communication.

In our neighborhood, we have a little group text we do.

We have one holdout on an Android.

Married to an Apple user, whenever we make plans and need him, we have to do a separate,

a whole other group text because you can’t just normally group text someone with a Droid.

You have to do a separate text.

Do you think these Android users know how bad they’re fucking everything up?

I just don’t even know why you’d have an Android in the age of Apple.

Just get an iPhone.

Just get a fucking iPhone like a normal person.

Welcome to I’ve Had It podcast.

I am Jennifer.

I’m Pumps.

You said it.

I said it.

I can’t believe I said it.

Oh my God.

This is wonderful.

That’s just how old age is.

That is wonderful.

Well, I want to talk about something that I think is fascinating.

You and I could be at dinner, and we were at dinner one night at that Italian restaurant

over in my neighborhood when your friend came in town.

So we’re sitting there.

You’re across from me, and this man walks into the restaurant, and I look over, and

I immediately know that you are going to eye him up and down.

I know that you’re going to study it.

I know that your jaw’s going to kind of be on the floor.

I know because audience, let me tell you what this guy looked like, incredibly manicured.

I mean, like painfully manicured.

It was ridiculous is what it was.

He looked like a clown.

I mean, he had on an ensemble, leather jacket with studs, the whole nine, the sideburns

with the hat, with the glasses.

You could tell he stared in the mirror for like 45 minutes before he went up to the neighborhood

Italian restaurant.


It was just so over the top too much, I could not take my eyes off of him because I was

like, what the fuck is wrong with him?

So as he walks in, I immediately know that Pumps is going to lose her shit.

So I’m like, you know, you see these guys all the time.

I immediately divert because I know that you’re going to be just completely eye fucking him.

Not in the sense that you want to have sex with him, but just you are not going to take

your eyes off of him because you had to study each individual outfit choice.

He was like the fat lady in the tent at the fair.

Like there was so much going on there.

It was like a train wreck, but I couldn’t take my eyes off of it.

The purpose of our podcast is to completely examine and analyze the data that is given

to us each and every day when we face other human beings, right?

Anyone that’s not us.

And a lot of the things that we like to study are maybe men are not supposed to care about

their appearance, but a lot of men do.

And I don’t think that’s a bad thing.

No, I don’t either.

But there’s degrees, okay?

Like I will say this, I admire the put togetherness that a gay man has.

You can never look bad if you’re a gay man.

It’s just inherently you look fabulous.

Their shit is tight.

They have it buttoned up.

The hair looks good.

The complexion looks good.

The outfit’s fantastic.

Not a wrinkle, great belt choices, great accessories.

They have that shit down.

So then you, on the opposite end of the spectrum, you’re going to have just Joe Blow that lives

in suburban America or maybe rural America that doesn’t give a fuck.

Kind of fluffed up, put on some weight, very unkempt, bad outfit choices.

And then in the middle of the gay and then just the train wreck, you’re going to have

the European metrosexual man.

The perfect combination for a straight guy.

A man who cares about his appearance, wants to be pulled together and look great.

But I think there’s a lot of humor and comedy in male vanity that we need to explore.

So we’re going to have a guest.

And I was thinking, who should we have as our guest to discuss male vanity?

Who do we know that spends an inordinate amount of time visualizing what outfits he’s

going to wear for the day, how many times he’s going to get his hair cut, where he’s

going to get his hair cut.

And I don’t think there’s a better person that we can interview to discuss the trials

and tribulations that is male vanity that my baby daddy, partner, love of my life, motherfucking

Josh Welch, ladies and gentlemen.

Josh, welcome.

Hello, ladies.

Thanks for coming over.

So excited to be here today.

So excited.

Welcome to I’ve Had It podcast.

I just want to let you in on something today.

Our topic is male vanity and the journey of the metrosexual male.

And we thought that you would be a fantastic guest.



We don’t think it’s a bad thing.



So this is positive.

It’s positive.

This is a podcast about positivity.





I fit right in.

So Josh, will you share with our listeners, like, let’s say it’s a Sunday night and Monday

and let’s say you’re going to go, you’re going to go to work and then you’re going

to go play pickleball in the afternoon.

And then after pickleball, we’re going to go to a light dinner with just the two of

us because we don’t have any friends.

So the day before, how, how much prior to these events do you think and envision your

outfit choices?

Let’s start the night before.


That’s where it all begins.


So I’m going to go to the closet, decide which suit I’m going to wear because I’m working

in a law firm now for some excellent lawyers.

I’m going to see what suit I wear.

I’m going to match that with the tie.

I’m going to lay it out.

I’m going to pull the socks from the sock drawer and then I’ll set all of that together

so that when I wake up, I’m ready to go.

So I think about it a lot during the night.

Very rarely will I ever change, for example, a tie selection.

If I pick it the night before, it’s firm for the next day.

It’s firm.



I have a question.


How many suits would you say that you have in your selection?

That’s a real sore spot for me right now because I’m just recently working back in law.

So I haven’t worn suits on a daily basis for 10 years.


So I only have three and I really hate to even say that out loud because now people

that see me are going to say, Hey, I guarantee he’s worn that suit again this week.

And I have.

But so I only have three and it’s really, it’s really painful to have to admit because

and they’re all black.

I have this thing to wear.

I only wear black suits with black ties.

Are you trying to be Rachel Maddow or what?

No, I, I, uh, I never felt like I dressed appropriately for funerals.

And so I never did.

How many funerals do you go to?

I hardly ever go to any.


So don’t you say that you’re putting a ban on funerals?

I am, but I want to look like I’m going to a funeral, like look serious like that.

When I saw Roger Federer, he was at Wimbledon now, now we’re getting at the bottom of it.

He was wearing a black suit and a black tie and I thought, what a classic look.

And you can wear it to a funeral, you can wear it to a courtroom, you can wear it to

center court at Wimbledon, center court Wimbledon.

So I don’t want the Navy, I don’t want the tan, I don’t want burgundy, I don’t want any

of that shit.

I just want a black suit.

I noticed a couple of days ago and I didn’t want to tell you this at the time because

if I say one thing about your outfit in the moment, I know the tailspin that it can send

you on for your entire day, but you had on kind of, it was like a yellowish mustard metallic

looking tie.

I did.

That I thought was a very interesting choice.

I try to vary the color of the tie a little bit.

I mean, I can’t.

Did you feel good about it?

I kind of like that tie.


I do.

I mean, it’s not one of my favorites, but so back to the original question, we could

talk about black ties until you lose every single viewer and listener that you have.

As long as we’re talking about what you’re wearing.


So we don’t want to do that.

So my attire and how important it is to me starts the night before and then I wake up

and take a shower, put on what I’m going to wear and then I think if I’m playing pickleball

that day, what am I going to wear for pickleball?

So then I’ll pick that outfit out.

After pickleball, then there’s what I call loungewear.

That’s for when I get back and shower and I’m just going to lounge around the house

with Jennifer and we’re going to get takeout and be together.

For that, I normally do a pair of cotton J. Crew shorts, maybe some James Purse bottoms

that are real nice Pima cotton.

I do a real soft t-shirt for that too.

I want the listener and pops to know that sometimes he puts on the loungewear outfit.

Mind you, the only people that are seeing it are me, our youngest son, Roman, the child

that we still have that remains at home and the French Bulldogs.

He’ll put on his loungewear outfit and I’ll see it and then three or four minutes later

he disappears and he’s done a costume change.

In loungewear?

On the loungewear.

I look in the mirror and for some reason I don’t like how it looks, even though I know

that not one fucking person is going to see me other than Roman or Jennifer.

It’s important to me that I feel good.

So I may change the shirt or I may change the shorts.

Like a pajama costume change.

Do you hang it up again or do you put it in the dirty closet?

I’ll fold it.

No, I’ll fold it.

If it’s only been on for a short period of time.

We could be on a trip.

Let’s say we’re in London and it’s 8 p.m. and we’re starting to get into bed.

We go to bed early, wake up early.

And he will look over at me and he’ll be like, what are you going to wear tomorrow?

And I look at him and I’m like, I have no idea.

And he said, what are your options?

I go, well, whatever I brought in the suitcase, he goes, well, you need to be thinking about

your outfit.

Do you want to know what I’m going to wear?

And he knows it.

And then if he puts on his outfit and he’ll say, hey, what do you think of this?

If I don’t react positively with a huge effusive smile immediately, that motherfucker will

go change outfits.

If there is anything that he thinks about the outfit that is not taking it over the

finish line, that’s not going to be this big aha moment for all of these strangers to see

him in.

And by the way, I knocked it out of the park the last trip to New York and London.

I have no doubt.

But let me say this.

Hold on.

I got to say something too.


Jennifer, you know, I love you, but you are the worst.

Like I have to be team Josh on this.

Your face gives everything away.

She’ll give you the side eye on, oh, you’re wearing that tonight.

And you’re an up and downer.

If I walk in, like I had these white pants on the other day, I had a camel toe, which

I didn’t know.

Oh my gosh.

I couldn’t take my eyes off of it.

This is how she’s doing it.

She is looking straight, like she never makes eye contact.

She’s looking straight at my crotch.

And I get, do I have camel toe?

And she’s like, yes, it looks terrible.

Let me ask you this.

Does a camel, is it a camel’s toe?

Camel toe.


But does the camel’s toe look like what the jeans?



They look the exact same.

It’s exactly what Angie looked like in white jeans.

It looked like a white camel toe.

So she comes in.

I mean, I, it is a very well-defined camel toe.

She comes in, she trots in and she’s like, hi Jenny, how are you?

And I mean, it was so obvious.

I couldn’t take my eyes off of it.

Not even a greeting?


I’m the asshole.

But I was the one, I will say this.

I am, I’m, I’m terrible, okay?

I am a horrible person about, I have no poker face.



I mean, I completely have to check out outfits, look things up and down, and I wear my emotions

about it.

I have tried to bring self-awareness to this.

I’ve been trying for years.

I can’t do it.

You have a high probability to get camel toe.


I just, you need to be on camel toe alert at all times.

At all times.

When you stand up, when you sit down, you need to look at your twat, see if there’s

a camel toe and you need to be vigilant.

You need to do five kind of bending exercises in the mirror and if you pass all of those,

you can then leave the house in that particular pair of jeans.

You need to be vigilant about camel toe prevention.

All right.

So you’ve had it with your camel toe.

Let’s move on to your hair.


Speaking of perfect.

I mean, the perfect conversation.

Couldn’t have transitioned better if I tried.

Tell us about your theory about how blessed you are, what a blessed blessing it is to

have the type of hair and the head of hair that you have at 53 years old.

Well, let me start by saying this, I’m very, very ashamed that for years I filmed a show

on national television and wore this fucking ponytail on the top of my head that looked

like Bam Bam from the Flintstones and that you two allowed it to happen.

And I go back and I’ll see an excerpt or a rerun or I’ll Google myself.

And when I do that, I see this glob of, I don’t know what, and I’m like, why did that


How did you girls let me wear my hair like that?

I demanded.

I want everyone to know that the entire time you did the whole Bam Bam, you asked me to

put it up and I said, no, I won’t do it.

It was a knot on top of my head.

I look like a sumo wrestler.

There’s one image that you see if you Google me where I’m getting cool sculpting and I’ve

got circles around my boobs and I’ve got my hair pulled up and I look like a fucking serial

killer that’s been released on a weekend jail spree.

But let’s talk about how you have evolved.

I was building up to that.

So that’s where I was four or five years ago.

And for those of you that are watching…

Would you call that rock bottom?


Hair rock bottom.

The only thing that may have matched it was the hair and my fifth drug treatment center.

But that’s for another story.

For those of you that are looking now at me, you’re probably thinking, fuck, what has happened

to this man?

That is not the same person I watched in 2019.

What did he do to make himself look so damn good?

And here’s what I did.

I want to be crystal clear about this.

Number one, I lost some weight and then I realized, looking in the mirror, that that

god awful massive fucking hair I had on my head looked horrible, horrific, that it was

a wonder that Jennifer stayed with me.

Not just during the relapses, I’m more concerned about the hairdo that I had.

The relapses are nothing, but to relapse and have that hairdo and still be able to maintain

your marriage is the most impressive thing about me yet.

In the moment, I didn’t think it was bad.

I did.

The man bent.

I did.

Here’s the thing.

I didn’t think it was that bad until I saw just how fucking good this hairdo is.

And that’s what showed me how bad it was because now I look at myself and it’s incredible.

Audience, my husband has a photo album in his phone and it is labeled hair and you pull

it up and you go through a series of Brad Pitt, Bradley Cooper, and Tom Brady.

This is what I’m up against.

I want to say that recently I’ve added George Clooney.

Do you want to know what he asked me dead serious last week?

We’re in the bathroom getting ready and we both weigh ourselves a couple of times a week.

Josh hops on the scale, weighs himself and he goes, God, this is fantastic because he

was at his goal weight and he looks at me dead serious, straight face and he said, do

you think if I hopped on that scale with a full erection, I would weigh more?


I think the blood is still all in the body regardless of where it is.

I think there’s, I don’t want to say three to four pounds, but maybe one to two pounds.

I want to segue onto, Josh, how do you feel about other human beings, friendships and

bro time?

Well, I think that there’s a lot of unnecessary interaction between people that are best friends,

between people that are in the same family.

So recently you received some texts, some like group texts, people telling you what

a great friend you were and how happy they were that they had you in their lives.

And how did you feel when you received those texts?

Let me say I’ve received a couple of texts that I found interesting.

One was in a group of 20 plus people and it was typed in a way that the person was saying,

hey, we’re all getting older.

Things are happening.

I want everybody in this thread to know that I love them, but something like that, something

like that.

Which is nice.

Just super, super sweet.

It made me wonder, hey, is this person sick, is everything okay?

But anyway, and the second text was from someone who I think is a very, very sweet person.

And I would say that we’re friends, acquaintances, friends, but I got a text from him thanking

me for our friendship.

And it made me think maybe I was one of about 30 people that he sent it to and that he just,

there was a copy and paste or something because it wasn’t a group, it was an individual text.

And how frequently do you talk to this person other than the Thanksgiving Day text?

How many times per year?

How many communications?

As far as phone conversations, zero.

Is it safe to say that you’ve had it with unnecessary interactions?

I’ve had it with unnecessary interactions, but more importantly, I’ve had it with these

gatherings of people.

Even if they’re best friends, I’ve had it.

I don’t want a brunch, I don’t want a buffet, I don’t want a dinner, I don’t want a small

group, I don’t want any kind of road trip, I just don’t want any of that.

What about, okay, just for an example.

Let’s say this 20-group, 20-individual group text, you know, I love you guys, I want you

to know it’s all great, da-da-da-da-da, you’re so great, to the whole group, but then said

in the same text, Joss, I want you to know your hair is so fantastic.

Then I would want to be in the group a lot more and I would do a psycho-research analysis

on who all is in this group and whose phone numbers are these.

Listener, I want you to think about all of the products that you have in your personal

homes right now for your hair, for your teeth, for your skin, and then I want you to multiply

those products times about 500 and you might be in the ballpark of how many products it

takes for Josh Welch to make himself look this good.

That’s right.

That’s 100% right.

Why don’t you share with the listener your beauty regimen and your shopping tips for

great products.

It starts in the shower.

I have a facial cleanser that I use.

I have a different body wash that I use.

So the face wash and the body wash are divided.


Not contaminated.

They’re separate things.

Yeah, they’re not part of the same thing.

Not for all men.

I have a shampoo and I have a conditioner.

Once I get out of the shower, my big thing right now that I’m really excited about are

different types of serums.

S-E-R-U-M-S for the listener.


There’s all these sort of anti-aging oxidants involved in these serums.

How many different types of sea salt spray do we have at our house right now?

I think I have about between 15 and 18.

What’s the sea salt supposed to do?

Oh, he’s obsessed with it.

It makes your hair feel like you’ve been swimming in the ocean.

It gives it texture.

It makes it feel firm.

Like you see my hair right now, how it’s kind of firm and it just feels crisp.

Let me feel it.

Oh, it kind of does.

Would you rather go on a trip with Dylan and Roman and me, but not a big time trip.

We’re talking to Dallas overnight, but the four of us in the car, having fun, lots of

family bonding, or you could fly solo to New York to David Mallet Salon and get a haircut

by Vincent and come back all by yourself?

Well, I mean-

Tell the truth.

True serum polygraph.

You know, you brought the kids into it.

So unfair.

Yeah, you could have just said you and it’s a slam dunk, but you bring the goddamn kids

into it.

It just ruins the whole thing, because then, you know, no one’s going to be that asshole,


I mean, I’ve been trying my whole life not to be that guy.


But you’d go to get your haircut at Vincent.

We’ve gotten through the 15 to 18 sea salt sprays in our house right now, but let’s move

on to the cologne.

Josh and I were in New York.

This is before our second son was born.

It’s probably 2005.

We went to the US Open, the tennis tournament.

Josh and I are on the elevator together, but we’re standing on opposite sides of it.

This guy gets on the elevator, joins us, but he can’t tell that we’re together because

I’m on one side, Josh is on the other.

Josh is getting off on like the second floor to go talk to the concierge, and I’m going

down to the first floor to get a taxi.

So Josh hops off.

Josh and I don’t say a word to each other.

He gets off.

We had already pre-discussed what we were going to do.

After Josh hops off the elevator on the second floor, and I’m alone with this stranger for

the ride from the second to the first, and the guy looks at me, he goes, God, you think

that guy had on enough cologne?

I immediately act like I don’t know Josh, and I go, oh, I know, that was terrible.

Threw him under the bus immediately because I couldn’t defend it.

I wasn’t going to be like, hey, that’s my man.

I was immediately like, I know, it’s the worst.

I threw him under the bus immediately because it is cologne abuse.

In small quarters like that, it’s not.

Let me tell you what happened to me the other day.

We’re getting ready, and he gets the aerosol version of the sea salt spray, and he sprays

so much goddamn sea salt spray, and the bathroom door’s closed, and there’s just aerosol everywhere.

I get some of it lodged in my throat, and I’m just hacking, and I go, what the fuck

did you just spray?

He’s like, it’s my sea salt spray, but for Josh, one is good, 70 is better.

That’s the personality type that we’re dealing with here.

It’s like, for example, and this is my good friend from college used to say this all the


Josh, you’re the kind of guy that when you walk into a room, if you’re hot and you want

it cold, you take it from 72 down to 60.

You don’t do 72 to 68 or 72 to 70.

It goes all the way to 60.

It’s accelerator or brake.


That’s right.

I’m still learning, obviously, so if anyone meets me and you smell an odor, I’m trying

to do better, but overall, if you want to go to the YouTube channel just to see what

I look like, I think you’re going to see a vast improvement from what I used to look


I’m really glad that with the five rehab stints and various other failures in your life, that

the one thing that you have kept intact is your self-esteem and self-confidence and narcissism.

That is really commendable.

I use humor as a way sometimes to laugh instead of cry, but it has been an intense journey

for me and my family and friends, and I love each one of you dearly.

I love my children dearly.

Except for the texters.

Well, I love the texters.

You just don’t understand.

I’m not there with it, but I’m starting to be.

Have you had it?

I’m trying to be open-minded.

I have had it.

I want to say, Josh, thank you so much.

Thank you, ladies.

Thank you for joining us, and we love you.

Make sure if you want to follow Josh, it’s at joshdavid.com.

We’ll see you next time.












And make sure you hit the button.

It’s at Josh Welch underscore on Instagram, and make sure you like and subscribe to our


Pops, what do you say?

We will see you next Tuesday.

I’ve had it with that.

I’ve had it.

I’ve had it.

Had it.

All I can say about that is, I’ve had it.