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One, two, three, that’s great, that was a good one, I’m getting better all the time.
All the time.
Pumps, what have you had it with this week?
Okay, I know I’m new to social media, but what I’ve had it with is like chain letters
on social media.
Like remember back in the 80s, it was like you have to send this to 10 people or they’ll
die or something horrible is going to happen.
Now it comes on social media.
And I’m like, bitch, this wasn’t fun 30 years ago.
It’s certainly not fun now.
Yes.
And it’s also, sometimes like it’s engaged with a racket.
Like if you do this, you’re going to get $5,000 deposited in.
Yeah, some of that stuff just lives forever.
It does.
And I’m like, this wasn’t fun forever ago.
I think maybe the younger generation thinks they discovered it and thinks it’s hilarious.
But I’m like, I like my friends too much to send this to them.
Did you have a pen pal?
No.
Yeah, me neither.
Yeah, no.
Fuck that.
Fuck that.
I didn’t want to do that.
I mean, I want less people in my life.
Even then.
Yeah.
Yeah, exactly.
Very small.
Very small.
Let me tell you what I’ve had it with.
Okay.
Yak mouth, Uber drivers, or cab drivers?
It’s insufferable when they want to be your best friend.
It is awful.
And you’re like, they can’t possibly give a shit what I’m doing, why I’m in town.
Why are they asking?
It’s awful.
Why can’t we ride in silence?
People are afraid of silence.
It’s fine.
I have had it.
I have a guy that we pay sometimes to drive us to the airport, and he’s so nice.
I mean, genuinely, all around, much better person than I am.
There’s no doubt about it.
Right.
He is genuinely kind, but the mindless, small talk that he wants to talk about, and then
at the end of the ride, he always follows up with a text, I hope you have a blessed
trip.
So it’s like a double whammy.
It’s really, and he’s so, again-
So nice.
Salt of the earth, great guy, side hustle, schlepping people to the airport.
Right.
He’s a hustler, which we love, a hustler.
I like a hustler.
Too much talk, too many blessed blessings for my taste.
So I haven’t been using him that much anymore because I just can’t take it.
I don’t want to talk to him.
I have a yak mouth private investigator, and I’ll tell you what, it’s tough.
I have to gear up.
I have to put it on my calendar that I have to call him, and then I have to gear up over
a number of hours.
Tell the listener why you would have a private investigator.
For my job as an attorney, sometimes I have to have papers served or people followed or
whatever the case may be, a supervised, like a property exchange or something like that.
And he is the kindest, nicest, competent, great all-around private investigator.
He’s a 10 out of 10, except for one thing.
I know going in, it’s going to be at least 30 minutes on the phone over a, thank you
so much for doing that.
Were there any issues?
I mean, this is a conversation we could have in less than five minutes.
It’s a yak mouth is really problematic.
Oh, it’s horrible.
But I mean, it really does.
It will like paint my day in such a way that like, I’m like, okay, you can do it.
You’ve got one, you’ve got an hour left, but you’re going to do it.
Like I have to talk myself into it.
It sucks.
It’s an emotional suction cup to just-
And it’s depleting.
I think yak mouths might be more dangerous than any other type of species on the planet
because they really do make you homicidal in your mind.
You know, maybe that’s something we should pitch to like John Hopkins or something to
do a little study.
Right.
Like why do people have to be a yak mouth?
Right.
What percentage of homicide victims were yak mouths?
What would you do if I called you from jail and said, I’ve murdered someone?
I would immediately know they were a yak mouth.
I would immediately know somebody said a few too many words.
She had had it.
All this homicidal rage that we’ve been brewing and cooking and petting and loving on came
to fruition.
It’s out.
Welcome to I’ve Had It podcast, a podcast about positivity, rainbows, sunshine, and
making you a better you.
I’m Jennifer.
I’m Angie.
We call her pumps.
And what we’re going to do today is work on becoming better people.
And I want to share with you a little story, a little story about my friend, Jen Morton,
our producer here.
And we were in Los Angeles, California with Bogie.
We went out, the three of us.
I was there.
You went to bed early.
You were the first soldier to fall.
That’s right.
I was the second soldier to fall because you and I have always gone to bed early, always.
So Jen and Bogie decide they’re going to go out, cat around Los Angeles, right?
Right.
Big dick around Los Angeles, right?
Big dicks in the big, big city, right?
Right.
So they’re on Bogie’s Uber account, right?
The thing that Uber is, it’s interesting because you rate the driver, but then the driver also
rates you back.
Oh, I didn’t know that.
Yes.
They rate if you’re a good passenger.
So like a yak mouth could give you a one star because you didn’t yak.
Right.
Or you could give a yak mouth review.
A one star, which I’ve done multiple times.
On yak mouths?
Yak mouths, one to two stars all the time.
All the time.
I’m not afraid to throw those out there because Uber, they make you rate people.
I’m like, total yak mouth, unnecessary.
Or somebody who has a lot of food smell in the car, that’s unnecessary as well.
Nonetheless, I digress.
Okay.
So these two are big dick in it in Los Angeles, right?
And so they go out to a bar and then they probably go to another bar and then they probably
make another terrible decision and go to another bar, right?
So they’re on their way back to the hotel and Jen vomits in the side of the Uber.
And I want to remind you and the listener that this is Bogie’s Uber account, right?
He immediately gets a one star as a passenger.
So Jen completely, completely torpedoes Bogie’s five star Uber rating as the passenger.
You know, Bogie’s such a gentleman.
Such a gentleman.
So congenial.
Right.
Everybody likes the guy and his Uber rating takes a nosedive.
The worst part of it is, just like you said, he was being very like chivalrous and we were
going to take separate Ubers and he says, let’s just get in my Uber, I’ll make sure
you get home, we’ll drop you off and then I’ll go back to the hotel.
Yep.
Being a nice guy.
And so because he is so chivalrous, such a gentleman, you vomit in the Uber.
Did you try to get the window down?
Well, it was, I mean, I could have just opened the door.
We were right in front of my house, but I was quiet.
I was a quiet vomiter.
So I just leaped all over the side and Bogie didn’t even know that I had thrown up until
he got back and opened the door and was like, oh no.
And he still says, I couldn’t get someone to pick me up for the longest time.
Yeah.
Right.
So Uber is one of these apps that I actually do a rating on because it pops up on the phone
and it’s like, what do you rate your Uber driver?
And it’s kind of like you have to do it to get out, to get a new Uber right.
You have to rate it, tip it to move on to the next Uber ride.
So I’m not a big Yelper, but there is a whole community, you know, Yelp, like the grievance
website.
Right.
So there’s a whole community of Yelpers.
And we are going to have on our podcast today the hosts of Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet,
and all they do is dramatic readings of Yelp reviews.
Oh my gosh.
You should be on their podcast.
You are such a good dramatic reader.
Speaking of how good I am at it, let me read one for you right now.
Okay.
Okay.
Let me read to you a one-star review left on Yelp under the subject Yelping Motherhood.
Okay.
I was super looking forward to having a newborn baby because I had been talking to some people
who had said they had had a really good experience.
Calling this a disappointment is an understatement.
I found grueling hours with no pay and an unnatural amount of stress, which no one ever
fully explained.
Tons of hidden costs and fees.
If I could give it zero stars, I would.
I have to say though, if she would have listened to I’ve Had It podcast episode one, she would
have known it was no picnic.
We hope to put Yelp out of business.
Right.
We’re whistleblowers.
We’re whistleblowers on motherhood.
I mean, right out of the gates, episode one, we told you people, toddlers are assholes.
It’s not fun.
Yeah.
Wrap it before you tap it.
Get your shit in order.
Throw away your purity ring.
You know you’re going to have sex.
Get an IUD in.
Have the guy wrap it.
Don’t breed.
Right.
Don’t breed.
What I want to particularly say though is the costs and fees.
If she thinks it’s bad as a baby, just wait.
Yes.
Just wait.
Exactly.
Just stay dropping the bucket.
Let me do one more before we bring our guests on.
A guy on Yelp rates Reign Modern Chinese.
He gives it three stars.
Okay.
Wait.
Hold on.
What’s Reign Modern Chinese?
It’s the name of the Chinese restaurant.
Oh.
Oh.
Okay.
Okay.
I didn’t know if it was like an art thing.
Just a Chinese restaurant.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Three stars.
I will be honest.
I’ve never eaten here, but I do know before this place opened, there used to be an abortion
clinic in that spot.
And I am man enough to admit, I’m too afraid to eat at a Chinese place that is haunted
by the ghosts of 10,000 fetuses.
Good luck with everything though.
Maybe I’ll check it out once they put a 100% ghost free sign on the door.
First of all, he’s a dick.
Total dick.
Total dick.
I hate him.
Totally.
Starve him out.
Totally.
Totally hate him.
So let’s bring our guests on Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet, the best name of a podcast
outside of I’ve Had It.
That’s a fantastic name.
I feel like we were meant to collaborate.
I’ve been looking at a lot of your episodes and I’m like, yep, this is the energy.
Yes.
We’ve been sending clips back and forth to each other, just laughing at every single
clip we found.
Yes.
Well, thank you.
Thank you.
Thanks for being here too.
It’s an honor.
Y’all are a delight.
Thank you.
And we are here with the Pumps.
Hello.
And you guys are Christine and Zandy.
Correct.
That’s right.
Okay.
Here’s the deal guys.
Let’s not beat around the bush.
Let’s just get right into it.
I mean, let’s just, let’s deep dive right into these Yelpers.
Oh boy.
Where to begin?
Wow.
It’s a whole world.
It really is.
It’s a whole underbelly of the internet.
It’s very sinister.
Well, I mean, maybe that’s just me.
It can be.
It can be.
A lot of these people are, you know, a little cuckoo.
Right.
I feel like I should just go right off the bat saying that.
That’s okay.
What do you think?
Yeah.
They’re, they’re unhinged and they gain power from each other, especially in the forums,
you know, their forums.
And it’s just like a whole mess of them together.
And they just bounce off each other and just write the most ridiculous stuff sometimes.
To be fair, we’re probably biased because what we do for the podcast is literally read
one star reviews over and over and over again.
So it’s just like the Karens unite, you know?
That’s what we’re constantly reading.
We got called Karens.
Right.
Oh no.
We’ve gotten called Karens before.
Yes.
I did see that.
We get some hate comments that we like to do dramatic readings of.
It’s just so good.
Oh fun.
But here’s what I want to get into.
And it is the psychological soil of people that are aggrieved.
Okay.
Like I’ve had many bad meals.
I’ve taken many bad flights.
I’ve been waited on by shitty waiters.
I’ve had a lot of shitty experiences.
I have never gone to the World Wide Web, logged in and written down the experience and then
clicked post because when it’s done, I just want it to be done.
Like there’s assholes everywhere.
It’s like the holding on to the, you know, taking your revenge out in a public forum.
Yeah.
That’s kind of where it becomes too far.
Like we always joke that we’re the most millennial, like least conflict oriented people.
Like someone will drop a soup on me and I’m like, take 30% tip.
You know, I’d like, and yes, to be fair, like I can understand why someone would have a
one star experience, but yeah, I’ve never been really brought to that point of of the
Yelp forums, the scary, scary world of it.
So what you were saying, Zandy, is like if somebody gives it a one star shitty review,
then people start piling on.
It’s just they get, you know, you see all the business has one star reviews, then they’re
going to get more and more one star reviews because all these people are like, oh, yeah,
these people had a bad time.
You’ll see people say, I agree with Lewis.
And then they’ll they’ll make we think they make up these stories, but they have these
stories like, yeah.
And then everyone in the restaurant agreed with me.
Everyone was like stood up and walked out with me.
Everyone applauded.
That’s a red map in the parking lot.
I didn’t have it.
And then, oh, the best are when they say, sorry, I feel like this is just our moment.
You like unleash the floodgates.
Oh, I want to hear it all.
We’re finally allowed to bitch about this.
But people will say, for example, oh, I said something and it wasn’t even that mean.
And then I got kicked out and we’re like, elaborate, like, we’ll be the judge of that.
You can’t leave that detail out.
Exactly.
They don’t want to make themselves look bad because I’m sure whatever they said was absolutely
horrible if they got kicked out.
Precisely.
Do you guys ever go on, like the producers told us people get onto Yelp and they were
like rape prisons, national parks, strip clubs, border crossings.
Strip clubs?
Yeah.
Border crossings.
That’s an interesting one.
Border crossings.
Oh boy.
We haven’t looked at that one.
That sounds wild.
Let me read one to you guys about, um, from the strip club.
Oh, please.
Their skin is always cold.
They’re like lizards, lizards that show you their genitals for money.
Okay.
I didn’t think you were supposed to touch the strippers.
Yeah, I was going to say.
How do they know?
Everybody knows they fucking touch the strippers.
I mean, you cannot be the oldest person on the podcast right now by a lot, you guys,
and say that you-
Four years is not a lot for the record.
It’s a lot.
Four years is a lot, clearly as evidenced by this.
But you cannot tell me that you’re today years old and you think that people are going to
titty bars and not touching titties?
No, no.
Well, I didn’t think they were touching titties.
I know they got lap dances.
Can you believe this?
But I would think-
Do you really, really think that their slap and tickle shit isn’t going on at a titty
bar?
Well, yeah.
If you pay extra.
Are you kidding me?
Okay.
Obviously, I need to go to a strip bar and honk around on some skin.
On that one though, they’re always cold there.
These are lizards.
Lizards.
They’re lizards.
You don’t want to be involved in that.
Here’s one from a county jail, a five star review.
Five stars?
Yeah.
As far as…
Hang on.
Hang on.
I got to get in character.
As far as jails go, this is the creme de la creme.
First off, you don’t even need a ride.
They pick you up from anywhere in the county.
Sometimes they even get you out of bed and bring you and it’s all free of charge.
Oh, I’m telling you.
That’s pretty good.
Have you ever read a review of like a massage parlor?
Have we done those, Andy?
I don’t think so.
I think we did, but I only remember because I talked about my own experience getting a
massage and it was so wild.
And I didn’t leave a one star review, but-
Did you get a happy ending?
That’s the question.
No, it was not very happy.
None of it was.
I was-
Okay.
None of it was happy.
And the masseuse farted the entire time.
No.
I forgot about that.
What?
I don’t know.
I don’t know what was going on.
I was just lying there and I don’t get massages.
I don’t like massages.
I’m not for it.
You were out of your comfort zone already.
I was very much out of my comfort zone, exactly.
And then I was lying there and she was walking around me doing things and like just massaging
me and constantly farting the whole time.
Did you smell it?
Or was it-
No, I didn’t smell anything, thankfully.
But you could hear it.
There was all this like oil and stuff in the air.
It was like, it smelled like who knows what lotion.
And she farted the entire time.
Did she ever say, excuse me?
And I didn’t say anything.
No.
No.
We’re very conflict averse.
So I just was lying there, just waiting for it to end.
And then it ended.
She left the room and I was just relieved.
And that was it.
I feel like this is a learning lesson.
I did not feel good.
I feel like this is a learning lesson for us though, because a lot of times we’ll read
when we’re preparing for the show and we’re reading reviews and we’ll say something’s
fake.
You know, that police station one, like, oh, someone’s just joking around.
And I feel like if I read somebody saying, oh, the massage therapist was just farting
around the whole time.
We’d be like, they can’t mean literally.
Right.
And I mean, it sounds like things like this actually happen.
You know?
The truth is-
It sounds like it happened to your brother.
It sounds like it did, unfortunately.
I’m glad that happened, nothing else.
I don’t want to know anything else about his massage experiences, but yeah, that was a
wild one.
We really delve into the depths of like the shit that happens at these businesses.
It’s crazy.
I kind of want to circle back to Pimps not realizing that there is sexual activity going
on at Titty Bars.
It’s not that I didn’t know there’s sexual activity going on at Titty Bars, but I only
thought you touched them if you got a lap dance.
I didn’t think you just touched their boobs when they’re dancing.
Okay.
All right.
I’m glad.
I’m going to be totally honest.
My sheltered Catholic school existence, I’ve never been, and I didn’t know.
In my mind, you pay extra or there’s a back room that you go to, not clammy lizard skin
all over you.
Right.
And if I’m going to haul out the sagging dragons for a dance, I’m going to lubricate them.
I’m going to have them all fresh and smell good and soft, probably wear warmer maybe.
Maybe they could really use a day off or just complete exfoliation because they’re in the
skin business.
They are.
But the point is, if you’re in the skin business, you have to be lubricated.
You can’t have dry skin.
You’ve got to exfoliate.
Well, Zandy’s massage therapist has a lot of openings next week.
No thanks.
So if you want to refer anybody, I’m sure she’s accepting new clients.
What would the proper etiquette be though and not say, are you farting?
No clue.
Yeah.
That’s the thing.
For me, proper etiquette, complete silence until it’s over.
And then talk about it on our podcast.
And your body, instead of relaxing, you’re getting more tense as it goes on.
And she continues because she’s like, I don’t know what’s going on here.
Just panic.
So we get some great comments on TikTok.
And neither one of us are real big prolific TikTok users, but Kylie, our producer here,
is going to read some comments that people have written to us on TikTok that we haven’t
heard yet.
And we’re all going to then weigh in on what we think about what these people are saying
about the two of us.
Okay, Kylie.
Oh, I can’t wait.
Let it rip.
This one is from Uncle Crackers.
Okay.
With a Z.
Z.
Okay.
That’s important.
It is important.
If these old bags can have a podcast, so can I.
Honestly, Uncle Crackers, step up.
Right.
In the link.
Right.
Totally.
You know what?
Put your money where your mouth is.
I’ll listen to it.
Uncle Crackers with a Z.
With a Z.
I will too.
Crackers.
If it would have been Crackers not with a Z, I wouldn’t have listened to it.
Absolutely not.
But with a Z, I’m in.
Yeah.
Okay.
Kylie, what’s next?
Okay.
Mmm.
Gotta love middle-aged bitter women.
Good thing they don’t have much longer.
Oh my God.
I’m just so thrilled they didn’t say old women.
We’re middle-aged.
All right, Kylie, what’s next?
Do you want to hear one?
What’s next?
I’m just like, what’s next?
What’s next?
I’m just so thrilled they didn’t say old women.
We’re middle-aged.
All right, Kylie, what’s next?
Do you want to hear one of your actual reviews on your podcast?
Yeah, let’s hear it.
Okay.
One star.
One star.
I started listening to your podcast because I loved your show.
Today, you went on your little liberal rant, and so I’m done.
Good luck with your podcast.
It’s not that interesting anyways.
Oh, that’s harsh.
That’s not fine.
First of all, they want us to know they’ve broken up with us.
That’s my favorite.
You know, there’s like a tag on, I mean, I don’t really go on Facebook, but there’s a
tag somewhere that people share that’s like, this isn’t an airport, you don’t have to announce
your departure.
And I think that’s like the biggest thing in the podcast world.
Like people have to like shout from the rooftops when they don’t like a podcast.
It’s like, okay, I mean, you know, you can go away.
My favorite thing since we’ve been doing this is that people, if I’m watching a television
show, if I’m following somebody on Instagram, or if I’m listening to a podcast and I don’t
like it, it ends there.
Yeah.
It ends with just me disliking it.
I cease the follow if it’s on Instagram, I cease the listening if it’s a podcast, and
I change the channel if it’s a television show.
It just ends.
And then I move on to the next bright, shiny object immediately.
You know, unless it’s too short.
It’s really that easy.
That’s so true.
It’s so easy.
But for somebody to take the time, I find this very flattering.
Okay.
They take the time to tell you how much they don’t like you and they don’t like your politics.
It means you’re doing something right.
That’s what we tell ourselves at least.
Oh, that’s a good one.
And she didn’t like our politics and she’s leaving and she’s unfollowing.
You know, she’s hate listening.
I, for one, I’m going to miss her, whoever that was, but you know what, it’s fine.
She has to go.
It’s fine.
There’ll be another one soon.
There’ll be another one.
There’s always another one.
So when you do your podcast, what are the things that you’ve had it with?
Generally, I’ve had it with people speaking to me.
And that does kind of relate to, well, like I’ve been traveling a lot because I host another
podcast too.
And we’re on tour.
And I feel like every time I travel, I have to pay extra to get the Uber that says, you
know, quiet, please.
Like I’d rather not have a conversation just talked about that before you came on.
They’re called yak mouse.
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah.
I get in the car and they’re like, hi, how, how are you today?
I’m like, fine.
They’re like, where are you coming from?
What do you do?
And I, you know, sometimes I try to just like end the conversation, say, oh, comedy.
And they’re like, tell me a joke.
I’m like, this is literally the opposite.
I’m too like, you know, chicken to say anything.
So I just go on the long, you know, rambling conversation that this person wants to have.
Anyway, my thing is I’m just tired of strangers talking like I’m, I, you know, I’m tired.
It’s unnecessary.
Interactions.
I’ve had it with unnecessary interactions.
Yeah.
We, we beat this horse all the time.
This horse is so fucking dead, but I’ll tell you what, we get out our sticks and our clubs
and we beat it all the time because these yak mouths are ubiquitous.
They’re everywhere.
Everywhere.
I go, you go and check into a hotel and it’s like, Hey, what are you in town for?
And I’m like, here we go.
Here we go.
Here we go.
I don’t want them to know.
And they don’t care.
They’re like, what are you doing at six?
We have a happy hour.
I’m like, I have plans at six.
Why do you give a shit what I’m doing at six?
And those are the kinds of people that will hop on Yelp because they need to tell people
about every experience.
And sometimes I write essays, like you get six paragraphs about one bad meal that they
had.
And it’s like, I don’t, I don’t know who’s reading this.
Six paragraphs?
Who cares?
That’s a manifesto.
That is a manifesto.
I mean, that’s beyond a Yelp review.
That is a manifesto.
And I’d love to get my hands on it.
Right.
And the FBI should put them on a watch list.
The FBI should put, yeah, like certain keywords.
We could probably be really helpful to them.
You probably could.
Like if there’s a crime.
We’ve been able to identify a lot of the red flags on the internet.
I’ll reach out.
I’ll reach out to my contacts at the FBI.
Zandy, we need to know what you’ve had it with in life.
Well, okay.
Mine just is completely random, but it’s truffles.
Truffle everything.
Yeah.
I have had it with truffle oil, truffle fries, truffle hot sauce.
I go to a place and they upcharge for these truffle fries that don’t even taste good.
I like regular fries.
I don’t like the smell of truffle.
It’s just very…
Talk about ubiquitous.
I don’t get it.
I just don’t get it.
When did truffles get so popular?
I have no idea.
But now it’s like in the last year you can’t go anywhere that doesn’t have a truffle fry
or a truffle oil something.
That’s so true.
So I have this client and he’s a former federal judge.
I’m an interior designer and I have a client.
He’s a former federal judge, but now he’s in private practice.
And I just installed his vacation home in Florida.
And we go to the Four Seasons one night for dinner.
And he’s from like super smart man, but he’s from Southeastern Oklahoma.
So it talks like this.
So we’re at dinner and sitting a couple of tables over there, these like really posh,
like Miami gay guys.
I mean like totally everything’s tight.
Everything’s buttoned up.
They look great.
Right.
So this entree comes out and it literally has like dry ice like coming out of it.
And then they light it on fire and it’s like doing all this stuff.
And he looks over at me and he goes, fucking rich people.
That is like some Hunger Games shit, you know, like just so elaborate and unnecessary.
I think the truffle is that.
It’s like fucking rich people shit, you know.
Everybody then jumps on it.
It’s like, okay, I’ve got to be, you know, oh my God, they have truffles.
And let’s all go eat truffles.
Everybody’s going to have truffles.
I’ve got truffle fries, truffle pizza, truffle pasta.
It’s so true.
I mean, I feel like I equated it earlier to, and I think it’s a different, you called it
elevated Zandi, but like in the 2000s they had bacon, everything.
It was like bacon, candles, bacon, band-aids, like bacon, bacon, bacon was like the hit
trend.
And I feel like a truffle, as Zandi said, is like an elevated version of that.
What’s the most disliked food?
Like restaurant wise, is it like Mexican or Indian or Chinese?
People can be, okay, I’m going to skin it.
People can be so racist about different places.
Totally.
Oh, I bet that’s true.
They’ll go into like a Chinese restaurant and just make these terribly racist remarks
about the food and not realize that, yeah, hey, this is not what you should be.
Like, yeah, if you don’t like the taste, that’s one thing.
But they’re like talking about how weird and exotic, there are so many people like that,
which we try to avoid those, but we get those so often.
I think what surprises me the most, though, are the reviews of your standard fast food
chain.
So why does a McDonald’s have 450 reviews, like a certain, on the one certain corner?
Like who’s taking, like why?
I mean, I understand reviewing like a local restaurant that you’ve never been to before,
but like, I mean, in my mind, McDonald’s is McDonald’s, McDonald’s.
People will write in and be like three stars.
The so-and-so was nice, but the bathrooms are a little dirty.
I’m like, why though?
You’re McDonald’s.
It’s a McDonald’s.
They even have little things you can click at the bottom that say, if you find it, it’s
helpful, funny or cool are the three options.
Those are the only three things you can do to react.
I don’t know why those three, but it’s within the Yelp community.
That’s a thing, I guess.
Do they get badges?
Do Yelpers get like badges and like stature within the Yelp?
Of course.
Right.
If you get the most goals.
There’s a badge called the Yelp Elite, and every year you have to earn your Yelp Elite
badge.
And we actually have a couple of listeners who’ve written in and said like a little shamefully,
like I’m a Yelp Elite, you know, whatever.
We’re like, I guess we’ll allow it.
We like the self-aware ones.
Yeah.
Self-aware ones.
Yeah.
Absolutely.
They even have events that you can get invited to.
If you’re an elite, they have Yelp specific events.
And then there are reviews of the Yelp specific events.
It just, I mean, it’s never ending.
It just keeps going and going and going.
I mean, thankfully, because it gives us a job.
Right.
Exactly.
We’re not complaining about that.
Irony’s not lost on me, but yes.
Here’s the deal about it.
I’m totally 100% in on reading the grievances that people get.
I think there’s so much comedy in it that somebody gets that goddamn mad that they go
to their device or do they go to their laptop and it’s just keyboard courage.
I mean, just keyboard courage out the wazoo.
And then if they ever went back in, they would never say that to the manager’s face.
Oh, never.
Never.
Ever.
Ever.
And they probably don’t actively try to solve the problem while they’re at the restaurant
or if they, you know, if they do, because most of the time, if you give any place, even
a McDonald’s, hey, I’m pissed off.
She was mean to me or the bathroom’s dirty.
Even they’re going to say, oh, thanks for letting us know.
We’ll go tend to that.
99.9% of the time, most people, most businesses in this huge capitalistic Mecca that is the
United States of America, customer service, the customer’s always right.
They’re going to Johnny on the spot and do it.
So the majority of Yelp is just a jet stream of bullshit and I can’t get enough of it.
Right.
I’m here for it.
Can you guys read to us some of your favorite Yelps to our audience?
A gold mine that I discovered is children review children reviewing things on this website
because there’s only one thing more unhinged than like an adult angry about, I don’t know,
Charlie Brown Christmas or something, but it’s a child who’s angry about it.
And you’re like, talk about unhinged.
OK, I found it, folks.
You’re going to like this.
This is of a movie called you may have may have heard of it.
It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.
OK.
It’s a one star review by a teen who is 14 years old and his username is Jimbo the Eradicator.
So do with that information what you will.
And Jimbo recommends this movie only for ages 18 plus.
OK.
So no kids allowed.
And this is what he has to say.
This is not for kids.
The word blockhead is used among other bullying.
Linus and Sally have constant sexual innuendo.
Violence is shown throughout Halloween costumes and through Snoopy’s flying a scene.
Look out.
This title contains violence and scariness, language and sexy stuff.
So just be careful because, you know, these kind of movies are out there and they’re there
for children, your kids and Charlie Brown.
That is bananas.
First of all, why is he even watching Charlie Brown at 14?
I mean, he’s watching Charlie Brown.
Right.
He thinks it’s like has sexual innuendo.
I mean, this is very sexy.
It’s very sexy.
In his head.
All he’s thinking about is sex.
It has nothing to do with Charlie Brown.
Yeah.
What a moron.
He needs to talk to, like, the school counselor.
Right.
This is scary because this is probably indoctrination from the Yelpers.
Future Yelpers of America.
They’re integrating this into the kids and normalizing it.
And now the baby Yelpers.
It’s indoctrination.
Oh, yeah.
I think this Yelp and these kids, I think it’s sounding really, really, really cult.
Something’s wrong here.
Intervention.
Why do you think I have that contact at the FBI, you know, because of all this cult stuff
going on.
We’re, like, slowly slipping information to the feds.
Yeah.
Dangerous world out there.
No, I mean, seriously, I bet that some of these nets are really nuts.
Yep.
Oh, no doubt.
Well, guys, we have had so much fun.
Y’all are a blast.
You, too.
This has been great.
It is so fun.
Y’all are so much fun.
I’m glad that we have established that we’ve all had it with truffles.
Right.
And, Christine, I am so happy that you are joining me and Pumps in our plight to get
rid of yak mouths and unnecessary interactions throughout, you know, the day when you’re
with the general public.
That’s what podcasts are for.
Like, that’s literally the point of a podcast.
Right.
That’s right.
Be it.
Be Uncle Crackers or whatever.
Start your own podcast.
That’s right.
Yak there.
Do it.
Exactly.
Don’t talk to us in the Uber.
Don’t ask us any personal questions.
I’m busy at six.
Fuck right on off.
Uncle Crackers.
See you later.
Bye-bye.
Send us the good ones.
Okay.
They are hysterical.
Fucking love them.
I love that she is united with us on the yak mouth.
I think that yak mouth is becoming universally abhorred.
Abore.
Like hated.
Abhorrent.
Abhorrent.
Abored.
Abored.
A-B-H-O-R-D.
I should have just said hated.
Speaking of spelling things out, we will see you next Tuesday or Thursday.
Like us.
Subscribe.
Instagram.
Us.
A Voice Memo.
Thanks so much, guys.
Bye.
Bye.
I’ve had it with that.
I’ve had it.
Had it.
Had it.
Had it.
All I can say about that is, I’ve had it.
Had it.
Had it.
Had it.
Had it.