I've Had It - The Josh Welch Shotgun Method

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We have a special guest today, backed by popular demand, great hair, cologne abuser, father

of my two shining angels, Josh Welch.

Hello, hello, hello, ladies.


Have you been missing us?

Missing, missing.

I mean, after my last performance, I’m surprised it’s been this long.

I am interested that you called it a performance.

Well, I just follow the numbers.

The numbers don’t lie.

And I think it’s fair to say that my last guest appearance was the most listened to

episode of I’ve Had It.

At the time.

At the time.

At the time.

It was.

At the time.

I don’t know if we’re trending in the right direction, but how we start these things off

is pumps.

Why don’t you tell me what you’ve had it with?

What I’ve had it with is my Apple Watch constantly telling me to stand up.

Bossing you around.

No, those things are bossing.

It bosses me around all the time.

And here’s my I’ve Had It part of it.

I don’t mind the bossing if it’s a reminder, but if I’m in a situation I can’t stand up,

like I can’t say, hey, judge, zip it.

I need a minute to walk around in the courtroom because I need to stand for my Apple Watch.

I mean, I’m not going to do that.

Or if I’m doing this, I can’t stand up and, you know, walk around.

Then it docks you for the whole day.

And your rings don’t close.

No, you’re punished.

So I got a thing last night that said I’d only closed my ring seven times in January.

And I’m like, that’s not possible.

And I look in it.

It’s the fucking stand one.

No, it trolls you to tell you what a loser you are.

If you’re not exercising enough.



And that’s fine because it is a good reminder.

But the standing to dock you, so you’re like completely don’t close your rings and then

you don’t get one of those stupid awards that every time I get one of those stupid awards,

I think they’re stupid.

Then when I don’t get it, I get mad.

I don’t want to act uninterested, but this doesn’t appear to be about me.

Oh, okay.


How can we?

I am the guest here.

I am the guest.

I have an I’ve Had It and it involves you.


I’ve had it with when you live with people and as the listener knows, and as everybody

in this room knows, we do live together and you have certain drawers that you keep certain


For example, in our silverware drawer, we used to keep two pair of scissors back there,


One pair of scissors went AWOL, right?

And most recently a second pair of scissors went AWOL.

I always return the items to the spot and I’ve had it with going to a place where you

know you vigilantly put something.

I mean, I’m diligent about putting the scissors in the spot and they’re gone.

And so Josh, what do you have to say about that?

I think one pair is in there.

I think it’s just, and it was around Christmas time when you were wrapping.

I have a separate set of scissors for those that I keep in a different drawer.

Well, I don’t know.

I don’t know that.

I feel like it’s probably my fault then, that’s what I need to be saying here.

So that’s what I’m going to say.

It’s my fault.

I did it.


All right.

Thank you for that confession and apology.

Scissors do walk off though.

They absolutely do.

No, they don’t.

No, mine do at my house.

I’ll have like eight in a drawer and then there’s none.

They don’t walk off.

Well, I mean, somebody walks away with them, right?

If it’s just Luke and I, the scissors are always there.

Not blaming the other two outright, but it seems they go missing more when the older

two are at home.

Josh, what have you had it with this week?

Well, it’s funny that you should ask because it applies directly to both of your I’ve had





So what I’ve had it with are people that can’t read the room, that don’t get it, that share

something that maybe is not relevant, helpful, interesting, and the listener doesn’t enjoy


So we’ve all been in those situations where you have someone sharing something and the

story goes on and it goes on and it goes on.

The phone comes out, there’s illustrations, there’s photographs, and there’s no way that

that person could reasonably think that the other person is remotely interested unless

they’re just tone deaf, unless they’re completely, and it happens all the time.

This isn’t a-

No, it’s epidemic.

It is an epidemic.

And it reminds me of that scene in Planes, Trains, and Automobiles.

Remember that comedy from the 80s with Steve Martin, John Candy, and I think Steve Martin

looks at John Candy and he says, I have an idea for you.

When you go and start to tell a story, the story needs to have a point.

He said it makes it that much more enjoyable for the listener if you can do that.

So my I’ve had it is going to apply to lots of people that I come into contact with that

just simply don’t understand that I’m not that interested in their story.

But to be fair, if the story’s not about you, you’re just not going to be interested.

I can fake interest if it’s not about me.

But when they start talking about people that they know that I don’t know, and they only

mention them by first name as if I know them, there’s just no appreciation for the fact

that I don’t know anything about this, nor do I care.

And that’s my biggest fear is that as I grow old with Jennifer, that I go and start telling

stories like that and people behind my back are saying, God damn, that last 10 minutes

with Josh was the roughest shit I’ve had in a while.

It’s interesting you should say that, because I’ve noticed like when we go on dog walk,

or we’re out and about, and we see a couple that I have zero interest talking to, and

I know that you have zero interest in talking to.

And you will immediately bring up football or some bullshit.

And I’m standing there trying to walk away, and you’ve even pointed it out, like you didn’t

even try to feign interest.

You just immediately kind of turned.

I was like, I did not want to be involved in that conversation.

So I think that you, and I’ve been, I’ve fallen prey to it multiple times where you’re kind

of this dad humor, like, well, what about OU’s game?

What do you think they’re going to do with that coach?

You think they’re going to fire him?

And I mean, you do engage in a little bit of this dad, quirky humor stuff from time

to time.

I’ve seen it.

Well, let me just say this.

You know, you have to, we live in Oklahoma.

So you have to be okay to a certain extent with small talk, with banter.

And I wish that we were in LA and I could ask him some cool California question.

But unfortunately, it’s just, how are the Sooners doing?

Do you see the Cowboys game?

What do you think about that?

Going out to Lake Hefner this evening.

What’s going on?

So that’s what we’re stuck with here.

I do think this is a big problem because Angie, if you’ll remember when your friend came in

town from Atlanta and we went to that Italian restaurant and right as our food gets dropped

at the table and I’m starving, I’m like, want to gnaw my arm off out of hunger, starving.

The food drops and then another gal that’s in the restaurant dining comes over to our

table as the food is dropped, announces to us that she hasn’t seen us in 10 years and

we acknowledge that.

It’s nice to see you and I’m ready for it to end immediately.

She then proceeds to tell us what she’s been up to for those last 10 years in detail, in

painstaking detail about her job and boring details.

That goes to what I said, which is the inability to read the room.

You walk up, you say, hi, haven’t seen you guys in a while.

Go back to your dinner.


Well, she didn’t read that.

I finally just started eating.


No, that was the real kicker was that she was there and like the waiter had to kind

of maneuver around her to sit the food down and she never took a breath and I was kind

of like, does she not, I mean, what is wrong with her?

Like it was bizarre.

It never occurred to her to say, oh my God, you just got your food.

It was like there was, it was, this is what I’ve been up to the last 10 years.

Boring details.

I can’t even tell you what it was because all I’m sitting there thinking about is you

need to leave the table immediately.

That has made me think of another, I’ve had it, if I may indulge real fast.

So I’ve had it with the protocol at restaurants, especially those that I’ve been to multiple

times where there’s an expectation that I’m going to look at that menu for 15 or 20 minutes

before I order.

I mean, I, I think there needs to be a streamline procedure for when you sit down, you can order


I agree.

I’m a, I’m a big time.

Let’s just get it done.

It doesn’t need to be the setting down of the menu, viewing the menu, bringing the drinks

first and then coming back for appetizers.

And then, I mean, there needs to be a shotgun offer.

I want to be able to walk into the restaurant and they have a box that you can check shotgun.

That means we’re going to shotgun you in and out of here.

You’re going to have eaten, leave, have paid the check all within 20, 25 minutes.

If they offered that approach where you could do that, I would go to that restaurant every

single time I went out to eat hands down.

It wouldn’t even be an issue because I don’t need to look at the menu.

I don’t drink alcohol.

I know what I want.

I’ve been to every place in Oklahoma City multiple times.

It’s not like they’re going to spring some new thing on me.

So it’s just, and I think I just don’t enjoy being out like that either.

So it’s just, let’s get it on.

Let’s get the food.

Let’s get out.




Josh, this reminded me of something.

I’ve had it from earlier.


So how about if you’re going through the grocery store or somewhere, mall, whatever, and someone

starts telling you about their vacation and then pulls out their iPhone with pictures

of their vacation that happened to me recently.

And I just thought there should be a law that you cannot show people your vacation pictures

unless you have spent at least a week with them throughout the course of the year.


Now I do want to say this.

When I was a relatively new photographer, I was very proud of a lot of images I took.

So I would at times accost some innocent souls, torture, torture, pull up my websites

that I thought consisted of just really kick ass photographs and just go on and on about

each photograph.

So I admit I have been guilty of being that person at times.

But now that I know what it’s like, I’ll never do it again.

On the other side.

He’s been enlightened.

I’ve been enlightened.


So I think that there are really bad conversationalists that don’t take into account your feelings.

And I have found in work and in regular life, this is one thing that I love about my friendship

with Pumps, is if I have to get off the phone at any time, I can just say, I got to go click

and hang up on her.

I don’t have to gear up for the goodbye.

And then that takes an additional five minutes.

It’s like, hey, I got to go talk to you later.


And it’s over.

But I’ve noticed in business, if I’m talking to a client, they’ll call and say, hey, this

happened or I need this done.

OK, got it.

And then they want to tell me again.

Yeah, I heard you.

Got it.

Solution launched.

So I just thought of this.

So I think what we’re saying is in all aspects of life, we would like to have that box where

we could shotgun.


Shotgun life.

The event.

We can shorten it.

Whatever the experience is, whether it’s a conversation with a dear friend, visiting

a loved one on their deathbed, going to a funeral, a wedding, going to dinner.

We need the box where we can shotgun getting in and out of that son of a bitch as fast

as possible.

And maybe an asterisk for like no small, small talk because, you know, that’s included in

the shot in the shotgun.

I like this is an in and out deal because I feel bad.

Like sometimes people text me like that.

I haven’t talked to you in a while.

They’re like, how are you doing?

Did it?

I’m like, what do you want?

Just tell me what you want.

I think in all aspects, it can be brought up up front to where you have that expectation.

If somebody hadn’t texted me in five years and they text me, hey, what’s the blah, blah,

blah, blah.

I have no expectation that.

How are your kids?

Blah, blah, blah.

It’s just like here.

But let me give an example.

So if I run into you at the grocery store and you, Josh, Josh, and I go pumps, I’m going

to have to shotgun this one.


I think you ought to be able to say that.


You ought to be able to say that.

And then the other person knows.




Let’s shotgun this.

So that’s why I say you ought to be able to make that declaration up front and then the

other person ought to respect it.

Do you remember that show Logan’s run when we were little, Josh was like the military

guy that that’s Logan’s heroes.

Oh, okay.

Where they kill you after you turn 30 and so you had a light in your hand and it started

getting darker as you got closer to 30 and then at 30 you died.

So we need a shotgun button on our hands.

So like you walk up to somebody, they want to talk to you unnecessarily and you just

put it up.

You put it up.

You put it up.

You check the box.

You say, I’m going to shotgun this pump.

I’ve got to go.

And you go, okay.

See ya.


Something else I want to just kind of forego altogether is the follow up.

How are the kids?

I I’m guilty of it.

And people ask me all the time and I’ll respond, you know, Dylan’s doing this, Roman’s doing


I ask it, but can we just, nobody gives a shit about anybody else’s kids.


But here’s the thing.

I want to take it a step further.

Unfortunately, we already know how their fucking kids are because we’ve seen their

Instagram account.

That’s exactly right.

That’s right.

And so we don’t even have to ask it.

That’s exactly right.

We know we’re guilty of asking.

We already know about the vacation as well.

We do.

We do.

The marriage, the grandbabies, the graduation.

And there’s another I’ve had it, I realize we’re reaching our limit here, but there’s

another I’ve had it that’s kind of brewing and that is just the simple, I’ve had it with

all of this information that we get on social media, on the internet.

It’s just too much.

We overshare.

It’s just too much.

All of it.

This podcast, my Instagram account, my website.

Everything is too much.

So you’re saying you like a little mystery.

I just don’t, people, we don’t need all the information that we get.

We just don’t need it.

Like we lived in a day when we would drive from Oklahoma city to Dallas and there wouldn’t

be three fucking words said in the entire car for three hours.

And you didn’t check text messages.

You just sat there and looked outside the window.

Did you just say kind of in a roundabout way that I’ve had it and then you kind of started

laundry listing and then you said this podcast?

Well it’s part of the overstimulant of information.

Let me ask you this.

If after this podcast listens and like on Instagram, it’s like Josh is so great.

You should have him on weekly.

He’s amazing.

And it’s like the best performing podcast in the world.

Would you want to come back each week?

I would want to be overstimulated.

Then it would be okay.

But I would still say that, Hey, it’s silly and it’s overstimulation, but I would definitely

be more interested in it.

I’d want to watch it over and over and over.

But I mean, I think everybody admits we just have way too much information.

That’s why we all fight because we just know so much and it’s just jammed down our throats.

And so we’re just mad about it.



I have a, let’s round it back up to your last episode.

What did you tell me last night?

Share with the listener what you got, a new hair product that you got.

I got a hair fragrance spray.

It’s by Crown Affair is the name of the company.

And I saw it online and used it this morning for the first time.

And I smelled your hair when you got here and it smells great.

It does.

And I haven’t seen the video of this production yet, but I’m anticipating that I look as good

as I did last time.

Maybe even better.

I want to talk about some of the real life feedback you got from the first episode where

people confirmed the cologne abuse.

Well, I’m not going to name anyone, but several people came up to me and said, you really

do Josh.

I’ve always thought that.

I didn’t want to tell you now that the cat’s out of the bag.

But here’s the thing, I’ve always known that I have, so no one’s really enlightening me

about it because I do it knowing that I’m doing it.

But let me ask you this, since it’s been outed and then confirmed, since then are you

still using as many squirts?

I may use one or two less squirts, but I mean, so it may take it from eight to six, but it’s

not a drastic reduction.

Eight squirts, huh?

Well, there’s wrist, neck, arms.

There’s different areas that get two or three to make sure it gets, and then sometimes you

want to get the shirt area before the jacket goes over.

So there’s a whole.

Now, how do you balance the cologne with the new hair scent?

That’s a good question.

I mean, I haven’t run into that yet to where I have kind of dueling scents when someone’s

close to me.

God, your hair smells one way, but your body smells another, you know, that’s weird.

You might have to think about that.

I’m excited to sort of see.

How that plays out.


If it makes you feel better, I got my nose right in your hair to smell it and I didn’t

notice the cologne.

I will say this though, I didn’t put on any cologne today because I didn’t wear a suit

all day.

I put the suit on for the podcast, so I didn’t, otherwise you would have smelled a stronger

odor coming from this direction.

Let me ask you this, did you put the suit on in part because you got a lot of positive

feedback about how goddamn good you looked on that rollout, so you thought, I’ve set

the bar.

Let me equate it to the James Bond series, of course, when you see Daniel Craig wearing

that Tom Ford or Brioni suit, right?

It’s Tom Ford.

He’s not going to make the next movie, not wearing the Tom Ford suit, right?

I mean, he’s just not going to have, what are they going to do?

Put him in a, like a Dillard suit or something.

So he’s got to look as good in the followup movie as he did in the first one.

Because I think it makes perfect sense for a man in Oklahoma City as he gets dressed

to think Daniel Craig, James Bond.

I’m going to put on this MI6 badass Tom Ford suit and I’m going to take the 45 second drive

from my house to my wife’s office and prance up there, hot shit, James Bond.

And I think that makes perfect sense.

You know, tonight I think I might wear a formal gown.


But there’s a difference because for those 73 people that watch this on your YouTube

channel, I want them to see exactly what I look like.



But you also want them to see consistency.

I just said it was no fluke that he looks that good.

I want to make sure that they understand it wasn’t a fluke.

I wasn’t just having a good day.

This is exactly how it is every single day when I wake up.

This is what I look like.

So have you Googled yourself to see if it’s replaced?

The cool sculpting?


The new look has replaced the old stuff on there.

I’m hoping this episode really takes off to where it like pumps everything else about

me below this episode.



So I’m going to wait and see.

That’s fair.

I’m going to scrub the Google.



Let’s talk about instances where we can, we wish we could check the shotgun and I want

to tell you one that I’ve had it with when I travel for work and I go and check into

a hotel room, I walk up, you’ve been, you’ve been TSA, you’ve done all this stuff.

I’m like, hi, Jennifer Welch.

Here’s my credit card.

Here’s my ID.


And they immediately say, oh, are you here for business or pleasure?

Hang on.

And I’m like, business.

Oh, what do you do for a living?

I’m an interior designer.

What are you working on?

And I literally, at this point, I think I just want to start saying, listen, I’m a high

end call girl and I’m here with a bag of cocaine and I’m going to turn some tricks.

I don’t want to answer those questions.

And I feel angry when they start asking me because all I want to do is check into the


But you haven’t even mentioned when they want to show you the room and show you the, the



You’re like, I can figure I’ve been in a hotel before.

It’s just, again, a shotgun approach up front for these service oriented businesses.

They need to really consider this little box.

Shotgun check-in.

Because it would help them as well.

It would, it would require less manpower because you’re dealing with people less.


The dinners would go much faster.

You could seat more people at the table.

It’s just a win-win for everybody.

The waitresses and waiters, they probably get tired of talking to people.


And they don’t care what you’re doing in town.

The hotel, the concierge, they probably get tired of talking to people.

They’re just told to do it by their management.

So it’s a win-win.


So hotel check-in.

Hotel check-in, dinners.



I have a great one.


When you go get a new phone at the AT&T store.

Shotgun service.

I don’t want to know all the features.

I don’t want to know anything other than, is this going to be my new phone?

And then I’m out.

Here’s the best one.

Buying a car.

Oh my God.

That was my next one.

Why are you screaming?

Because it’s so exciting.

We had the exact same thought.

Buying a car.

It’s horrible.

They want to go over all the features.

This is better though.

I’m going to put, because I don’t just get a haircut, I get a beard trim.

I’m going to put personal grooming where you should be able to check the box because there’s

always this unnecessary bantering coming with a haircut or a beard trim.


And you know, that’s, what’s been great about the nail salons no longer being, they don’t

speak English.

They don’t speak English.

They talk to each other about how terrible you are, but you don’t know and you don’t


They don’t check in the box except they’re not in a rush to get you in and out.

Oh, my, my place knows.

Oh, that’s good.

But I think just in, in all aspects of any sort of service business, right, like you

need to offer that to your clients.

I wish my clients would take that.

We’ll just throw it out there.


I think that’s a great thing.

I can say, let me just shotgun this whole thing and I’ll just let you know when your

project’s done.

I’m just going to say, look, I have impeccable taste.

I’ve been doing this a long time.

Here’s my products.

I’m going to offer the shotgun service to where you and I don’t have to talk about all

this bullshit about your carpet, wallpaper, curtains, drapes, fabrics, we don’t have to

do that.

We shotgun it.

We shotgun it.

I install it.

I send you a big fat bill.

I shotgun it.



To shotgun this bill.

Pay it today.


The payment invoicing people.

Shotgun it.

Here’s another thing I’d like to shotgun.

I love my vet, Tiffany, I love you more than anything, but she comes by, you know, she’s

like one of these unleashed vets where she comes to you.

We have this cat listener and the cat has diabetes, has a lot of problem problems.

It’s a female.

Josh always calls it a he.

And anyway, that cat, the cat has a lot of issues, but she, the cat has like diabetes

and now she’s got some liver problem and Tiffany will call me and she’ll start telling me in

detail all of the blood levels, what it means, what’s normal.

And I think I’m going to start saying just Tiffany, I want to shotgun it.

How many more years do we have with this cat?

I think that cat is well past its lifespan.

Those cats live forever.

That may be the best example of a shotgun yet.

I mean, I don’t, you’re basically saying, I don’t want your information.

I want to communicate less.

I want less friends, fewer friends, um, on your, on your social activities, you can shotgun

all of those.

What about shotgun sex?

The only thing that, yeah, oh, that’s absolutely the best one.

The only thing I know for a fact that Jennifer Welch will never ever shotgun is pickleball.

She will milk that cow for three to four hours until every ball has been hit.

Every point has been played.

Every exchange about the point has been made.

It could go on and on and on and she will never shotgun it.

By the way, for the listener, we might want to play this up front.

If you’re not into shotgunning things, you’re going to absolutely hate this episode.

So, so, and we don’t want to do them a disservice by extending this conversation longer than

it needs to be.

We’ve made ourselves very clear about how we feel about, so we’re going to shotgun the

end of this.

We’re going to shotgun the end of this.

I’m going to let you girls do your thing.

We’re not going to put out the listener anymore.

I’ve enjoyed being here.

I love Jennifer Denise Welch.

She’s my wife.

She’s the mother of my children.

She has kept me sober and sane.

She is my personal Jesus pumps.

I love you more than anything in the world.

You’ve been my longest friend that I have in my existence and thank you for having me.

Thank you for coming.

We love you, Joshie.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

So do your thing and let’s whip out of here.

Let’s wrap.


Sense code for Josh’s dad.

Let’s shotgun the ending.

Send us a voice memo.

Follow us.

See you next Tuesday.

See you next Thursday.

Either way, it spells, see you later, cunts.