I've Had It - Unhappy Occasions and Happy-Endings

That was so good right off the bat.

That was a really good one.

Pabs, look at your cute little smile.

I know.

I’m so happy.

You’re so proud of yourself.

It’s a low bar.

It is a very low bar.

Well Pabs, you know, I know you’re happy and everything, but tell me what you’ve had it

with this week.

What I’ve had it with is FaceTiming and not just, I mean, I have a million bitches about

FaceTime.

I can do that.

But in specific to today, my hate of FaceTime and what I’ve had it with is that when somebody

FaceTimes me and I answer it, the person looking back at me, which is me, looks 110 years old.

I mean, it’s like, can’t we put a filter on that?

Yeah.

It is so bad.

And I don’t consider myself a particularly vain person, although did you know about the

badges at the courthouses?

So attorneys, you have to go through a metal detector and attorneys just, they can get

a badge.

It’s like $25.

You go get your picture made, whatever, you badge in.

Because my pictures look like an old woman and in my mind I’m young and cute, I stand

in line with the criminals.

So I am a little bit more vain than I think I am.

I think everybody’s vain.

But I’m just telling you, when I FaceTime, it is horrific.

No, I know exactly what you mean because in my mind, like you, I’m around 30.

I have a little bit of age wrinkles, but they’re the sexy kind and everything’s high

and tight and I don’t feel that mature as evidenced by the production of this podcast.

We’re profoundly immature.

And then I see in the FaceTime, I’m like, who is that woman?

Who is she?

Who is, tell her to get Botox and filler and all kinds of things.

No, it’s rough.

It is tough.

It is rough.

It’s really, really hard.

I mean, it’s bad enough that you can’t do what you used to do, but just the looks department.

Like every time I watch one of these podcasts, I’m like, I don’t have a double chin in person,

but I’m carrying around 15 double chins every time I look at a video.

I’m just noticing today in your Barney the Dinosaur purple sweater, your boobs really

are ginormous.

I know, I hate them.

I mean, they’re awful.

They’re gigantic.

It’s horrible.

What size bra is that?

I think it’s a 40D.

Okay.

I mean, it’s a big one.

I probably could go double D, but anyway, so back to the FaceTiming.

If somebody would stand on the top of a building for me and hold the phone, I look better if

I’m looking up because like gravity pulls it all back.

But the gravity, like you got to, if I’m ever going to be on FaceTime, I need somebody on

a ladder holding it.

What are the people with stilts on at the circus?

Stilt people?

The stilt people.

I need a person that is on stilts.

But nobody FaceTimes me because they know I have a blanket, no FaceTiming at all.

Well, I used to FaceTime you and you wouldn’t answer.

I wouldn’t answer.

And then you would get so mad at me because I wanted to see your face or show you something

and you are such an insufferable bitch when I FaceTime you.

Yeah, no, I’m an insufferable bitch when it’s FaceTiming.

Now, if you’re wanting to show me something for a minute, I can do that, but it drives

me crazy when people FaceTime each other like if you and I were to FaceTime each other.

We see each other every day.

We know what each other look like.

Why on earth would we FaceTime all the time?

I’ll tell you the FaceTiming like, so my son goes to school in New York.

It’s great to FaceTime.

A hundred percent.

That’s a great way.

My son just had a baby and he lives in Georgia.

I’ve seen what the baby looks like.

I’ve seen the baby smile, cooing.

And so there are benefits to FaceTime.

Totally.

Yeah.

Out of state, people that live apart.

Right.

Unless you’re shriveled up like a fucking raisin.

Which I guess I am.

Then you don’t want to FaceTime.

And I clearly am a raisin because it is just, it’s more than I can take.

Let me segue to what I’ve had it with because bizarrely these are very in sync.

Okay.

You live your life, okay?

And you see NFL football players and you think they’re men, right?

And you go to the doctor and it’s an adult.

And then you see basketball players, NBA players, and they’re men.

And you see these models and they look like grown women.

And then something happens through time that all of a sudden these NFL football players

look like children and the NBA players look like children.

And the doctor walks into the room and they’re younger than you are.

No, it’s terrible.

And I’m starting to experience this.

Right.

Like even if somebody’s 10 years younger as an athlete, it’s still kind of the same generation.

But when you get to 20, 25 years younger, it’s jarring.

It is jarring because you’re like, oh my God, he’s 22.

Right.

Or like some of the NBA players are like 19, our kid’s age.

Yes.

No, it’s terrible.

And what’s weird about it is I remember watching football and thinking how cool it was.

You know, that they were older and they were playing football, you know, yada, yada, yada.

And then when I had my first child, I thought, oh my gosh, we’re about the same age.

Like I’m the same age with the people that I’m watching on TV.

Right.

And now I’m old enough to be their grandmother.

What?

Did you just say that to be published on?

I mean, it’s the truth.

I forget how much older you are than me.

Oh, fuck you.

That is not even true.

We could be grandmothers.

You speak for yourself.

No, but if we have 20-year-olds, I have a 22-year-old.

It’s possible.

It’s mathematically possible.

We don’t need to be broadcasting that energy.

No, I know.

I’m just saying mathematically.

We don’t need to be broadcasting.

Let’s not broadcast.

That we’re grandmothers.

We’re not grandmothers.

A.

Right.

Zip it.

For God’s sake.

Are you going to have your grandchildren call you Ms. Welch?

I don’t know.

But they’re not.

I mean, I’m going to embrace it, but you don’t just need to be over here blabbing all this

blasphemy about our age.

I mean, I don’t know what the fuck has gotten into you, but I remember when I was younger,

my mother would be so offended if we referred to her as old and I never quite understood

it until you started with all this nonsense about us being old enough.

You need to zip it.

Welcome, everybody, to I’ve Had It podcast.

I’m Jennifer.

I’m Angie.

We call her Pumps.

Today we are going to talk about baby showers.

Got it.

Sip and Cs.

Okay.

Okay.

Have you had it with those?

I’ve had it with all of those.

Yes.

Yes.

I have had it with those as well.

And we have a guest today.

Her name is Kristen Key.

She is a comedian, a musician, a crocheter, a very proud lesbian.

Hilarious.

I did a massive, massive deep dive into her Instagram account, and I think she has just

the type of smart cynicism that we’re after.

So without further ado, let’s welcome to I’ve Had It podcast, Kristen Key.

Hi, Kristen.

Hi, we’re doing it.

We’re here together, the three of us, as we were intended to be.

I love your background.

Are those framed pictures of cats behind you?

They are.

Yes.

Okay.

So I was just introducing you, and I said she is a comedian, a musician, a crocheter,

a proud lesbian, and it looks like a cat lover.

A cat.

I love cats.

You do?

I do.

I have a cat, and I’ve had it with my cat.

My cat’s got diabetes.

She’s overweight.

She’s lazy as fuck.

And I think she could potentially be a Trump supporter.

I think you just ought to put that cat down.

I can’t.

I take care of her.

I give her her insulin, but I don’t think we’re compatible.

I’ve had her since 2009, but we’ve just drifted.

I know we’ve drifted.

Yeah.

You sound like Angela Martin from The Office.

Like, I’ve got to give her her insulin.

Right.

I’ve got to give her my death store.

So we want to talk about what you’ve had it with today.

Oh, my God.

Where do we begin?

First, right off the bat, it’s baby showers.

I’ve had it with baby showers.

I’ve had it.

I got out of baby showers for several years because when I got sober, I said, that is

one thing I will never do again, and I used that as my card.

It’s like, I can’t go to a baby shower.

I don’t know why that was my hill to die.

I was like, it’ll make me drink.

It’s so miserable.

I mean, you get like one card when you get sober.

It’s like, oh, I can play it.

Not very often, but I played it at baby showers.

I was like, I’m not going to baby shower.

It’s a trigger for me.

Right.

I just hate them so much.

That’s genius, though, actually.

Thank you.

I mean, it’s worth getting sober just to skip a lot of baby showers.

My husband’s in recovery, too, so we’re able to get out of a lot of shit because of it.

Oh, it’s a wonderful card.

It’s absolutely awesome.

What is your least favorite part of a baby shower?

You don’t get to hold a baby.

See, I don’t like babies to begin with, so I don’t want to hold a baby, but you like

babies.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

I wish it was more like it’s a baby shower.

Everybody gets a baby when you show up, and you get to have the baby the whole time, and

then you leave the party.

You’re like, oh, thank you.

But I think it’s just like you just have to go around and be around a bunch of women and

not in a fun way.

Right.

Right.

We did a little research about baby showers before you came on, and there was a Reddit

thread.

And here are some of the worst gifts that expecting mothers have received at a baby

shower.

One woman received a cross for her Jewish child from her mother-in-law at her baby shower.

Oh, my gosh.

I hate the mother-in-law.

Total C-U-N-T.

I mean, total.

Yeah.

That was on purpose.

I don’t even want to say the balls, but the ovaries on that woman.

Because I was saying if it was from someone who, if it’s the Midwest, you don’t know someone’s

Jewish, the Midwest, a cross for everything.

You have a cross, and you have a cross, and look under your chair.

If it’s someone that full on knows that you’re Jewish, you’re like, this will fix you, cross

for you.

It’s like, that’s a bitch.

That is a bitch right there.

Total bitch.

Okay.

Another woman received a card from her sister-in-law saying, I know you’re not ready to be a mom,

and I hope you don’t mess up your child, but here are the what to expect when you’re

expecting books.

Oh, my gosh.

Yeah.

That’s unbelievable.

It’s unbelievable.

I don’t even know where to begin with this woman.

Right?

Okay.

This is editing.

This was a card edit.

This should have been a, you write it, and you show it to your spouse, and they’re like,

maybe just like, congrats.

Whatever happened to congratulations?

Maybe not go to the shower.

Right.

If you’re such a bitch, don’t go to the shower.

Okay.

People are getting these onesies.

So you know these, you know, adults wear shirts with words, and then they project the shirts

with words onto children, and they come in the form of onesies.

So here’s one that says, I’m not milk drunk.

I’m tit-faced.

What every baby needs.

There’s another one.

Made in va-china.

The kid doesn’t have a choice.

The kid has no choice.

Right.

It’s put in this.

Right.

It is now the spokesperson for tit-faced.

Tit-faced.

Here’s what I think about baby showers.

I think they’re kind of insufferable because you have this circle jerk of women that are

going around holding up these horrific onesies.

Right?

Right.

I mean, baby showers are a big grift.

We all know it.

It’s to get people.

And listen, I have had baby showers posted for me.

I have two children.

She’s had baby showers hosted for her.

So we’re a huge part of the problem.

Right.

No doubt.

As you know, as you should.

Yes.

But we just hate them.

It’s just they’re miserable.

And they’re-

Yes.

Yes.

Okay.

So let’s bring up, have you ever heard, Kristen, of a baby sprinkle?

Yes.

Isn’t this the, wait, is this the second kid?

Yes.

Yes.

Second or third or fourth?

Nailed it.

That’s it.

And you still want to party and gifts?

Yes.

So instead of a shower, a rain shower, it’s a little sprinkle.

So I had never heard of this until about six months ago.

A girl that I adore sends me a text, a screenshot of an invitation, and it says, please come

to the baby sprinkle.

And I was like, well, what the hell is a sprinkle?

So I Google it, and it’s a millennial thing where, you know, because they celebrate everything.

Everything is produced and celebrated.

And so it’s a baby sprinkle that they’re having now for the second kid and, or the third or

the fourth.

And so not only have you had to go to the gender reveal, watch all the shit on Instagram,

the nonstop, this is the first person that has ever bred and is producing a child on

the planet.

Then you go to the baby shower, then you go to the sip and see, then you go to the fucking

diaper drive, and then they’re just knocking out another one again.

And then you’ve got a baby sprinkle.

A baby sprinkle.

It’s never ending.

First, they need to change the name to, oops, we did it again.

More people would come and maybe make it Britney themed, but it’s too much.

It’s too much for one baby, you know?

I mean, I guess the sprinkle is okay because I was a second child and I feel like we did

not get near as much attention.

So who knows what this is going to do to like middle children and third children down the

road that actually, oh, someone knew we were there.

There are pictures of us.

It’s great.

Other than that, from the friend point of view, the person, I will send a bigger gift

if I don’t have to go.

A hundred percent.

That’s a great.

I love that.

I love that.

I am a hundred percent with you on that.

I’m like immediately scan the invitation for the registry.

I’m like, I will spend an additional hundred dollars on this to not have to go because

I will go to the ends of the earth to avoid unnecessary interactions.

And is this fun for the mom?

Because I always look at the pregnant lady in a room full of drunks, literally all of

her friends are just like, champagne shit face, like I want to touch your belly.

And she’s really uncomfortable and sweating, you know, really, really pregnant.

So who is this fun for?

So I think the grandmother’s number one.

Well no, when I was pregnant with my first child, my best gay guy friend threw a couple

shower for me.

Okay.

And it was fabulous.

So it’s men and women that can come.

And so about the first 30, 45 minutes and you don’t feel nor look your best.

I’m incredibly shallow in vain about my appearance.

So I did not like being eight months pregnant.

And I realized that’s really bad, but I just am.

And so we have, we go to the party and about the first 30, 45 minutes, everybody’s great

greeting everybody’s nice.

Well then I start to notice everybody’s pupils are gigantic and like 12 of the guests are

totally tripping Molly at the baby shower.

They all get drunk.

I ended up leaving by around nine.

I think they all raged until three to four in the morning.

So to answer your question, is it fun to be the pregnant woman at the baby shower?

The answer is a resounding no, it’s not fun at all.

I remember at my baby shower, I mean, and there were several, I’m going to go ahead

and admit it.

I would hate, like I’d open up a gift and I would be so appreciative of the gift, but

then I would immediately get resentful because of the thank you notes.

I hate writing thank you notes.

And I would almost rather not have the gift so that I don’t have to write the thank you

note.

Like, please keep your gifts.

I don’t want to write you a thank you note.

That’s how I feel about it.

Yeah.

What happens if you don’t write the thank you note?

I’m curious.

Nothing.

Nothing.

But your mom thinks you’re an asshole and their friend, the grandmas, that crew talks

to each other.

But your mom already thinks you’re an asshole.

Right.

Right.

For sure.

But I’m just saying, like, then you would get other people’s moms.

Well, I don’t, I mean, at the time I cared.

Now I would just send out a group text, thanks so much and call it.

But back in the day, I was, I wanted to make sure I didn’t offend anybody that gave me

a gift.

God, who, who was I?

Exactly.

It’s just a minefield of pleasantries that-

And etiquette.

See, I didn’t, I was-

It’s another good reason to get sober.

You can just be like, oh, thank you cards are a trigger.

I can’t.

I just can’t.

I can’t.

I used to write it when I was drunk.

I can’t.

Well, I sort of think, but I think Pamps actually had what now we know as a baby sprinkle, but

she had a baby sprinkle for me.

I’d already had my first child and I was actively wanting to have a second child.

So Pamps says, I’m going to be your fertility coach.

Right.

Oh God.

She’s like, I’ve got this.

Full proof.

She’s like, what’s the first date of your period?

So I tell her, so she’s calculating.

And then she calls me, you need to have Josh come home from work right now and you all

need to have sex.

And here’s the deal.

You need to have a pillow under your pelvis.

And then when he’s finished, just keep your legs up in the air and a hundred percent,

it will be a girl.

Cause I wanted my second child to be a girl.

I do exactly what she told me to do.

Right.

I had read the book on it.

Right.

Okay.

Yes.

So I do exactly as instructed, right?

Josh comes home.

We have sex.

Keep my feet up in the air.

I do the pillow, the whole nine.

About six days later, she’s like, Hey, I bought a pregnancy test.

Please come over to my house.

So I go over to her house and I said, Hey, I think it’s going to be like 14 before it

shows up.

No, do it.

I’ve done everything.

Perfect.

Exactly.

The way the book told me.

I was so proud of my performance.

I pee on the pregnancy stick.

I’m pregnant.

Yes.

Josh is like all, literally all he is in this child is the sperm donor at this point.

I mean, she has basically, we’re having a baby, right?

It was our baby.

And it was a girl.

Yes.

So witchcraft.

You conjured that baby.

Yes.

Yeah.

So it was 16 years ago.

And so you had to wait to 20 weeks to get the ultrasound to see if there was a vagine

or a little pee pee.

And so we wait for the 20 weeks and I was like, you can go get all the ultrasound you

want.

That’s a girl.

I nailed this thing.

I mean, I nailed it.

Guess what?

Balls penis.

And then I said her daughter, remember Stephanie took you to the hospital.

Her sister is a radiologist.

So she did an early ultrasound and said, there’s a penis.

Now her sister is a radiologist physician.

I start arguing with her that it cannot be a penis because I got her pregnant with a

girl.

I remember and Stephanie was like, you’re a fucking lunatic.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So I can see that as well.

But no, I was like, I wondered, did you use the wrong pillow?

I really, I seriously, I was butthurt about it not being.

And so I’ve decided certain males are only female sperm, only male sperm.

I’m convinced if Josh had a hundred kids, they’d all be boys.

That makes me feel better.

Okay.

Well, I’d like to test that theory.

I think we should take some of the sperm and start impregnating women for this show.

I mean, I feel like we owe it to the world to do this.

We can just get the turkey baster out, line up lesbians and then just, you know, just

impregnate them.

Yes.

You know, just a line of lesbians.

Girl, put down the pickleball paddles.

We need to try and experiment.

Legs in the air.

No.

So back to pickleball.

So I play all the time and a big part of our group are lesbians.

And I get so mad because they beat me all the time and I’ll say, you know what?

There is no more LGBTQIA.

For me, it’s B-T-Q-I-A.

Screw you bitches.

You beat me all the time on the court.

I’m no longer an ally.

No, of course we all giggle and laugh, but I mean, they are so good at pickleball.

I mean.

Yeah.

I mean, pickleball is one of those sports that’s so competitive.

You can turn to gay bashing when you’re upset.

I do.

I do.

It’s totally fair.

I bash the L’s.

It’s funny that we, that lesbians are so into it because it was, it’s such a, like a, it

started with old people.

And so then it was just old people and lesbians.

And I feel like these are two groups that needed to come together.

Agreed.

Because I play on cruise ships a lot because I work on cruise ships often.

What do you do on cruise ships?

I’m a standup comedian.

Oh, right.

Okay.

So you’re the entertainer.

Yeah.

And so, um, I’ll end up playing in the mornings with, you know, 60, 70, 80 year olds and me.

And sometimes I’m the first lesbian they’ve ever said hello to, but it’s such a good game

for like, like integrating people.

It is.

Everything on the court though, it changes because I was in a tournament with a guy in

a wheelchair and we did, we just kept hitting it at his wheels.

And I’m, I’m not proud of it because we wanted to win and we did.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That’s what you got to do.

Did you just say, I’m not proud of it, but I’m not ashamed.

Maybe, maybe I might have.

Let’s move on to the subject of we, we’ve established that you have crossed over into

your forties and you’re starting to do the things that 40 year old women have to do.

And one of those things is get a mammogram.

I’ve had it.

I’ve had it with mammograms.

I’ve had it.

I had, okay.

So I, I got a mammogram like you’re supposed to.

And everybody out there, if you’re over 40, get your mammogram, talk to your doctor, whatever.

And I did that.

I was like, I’m a good girl.

I go get mammograms.

I get my parts checked because it’s preventative medicine.

And no one prepared me for this.

And I’ve talked to lots of women and the day I’m going, another comedian friend of mine,

Debbie Gutierrez, she goes, what are you doing later?

I’m getting a mammogram.

She goes, oh honey.

And I go, no, no, no.

My wife said it wouldn’t hurt.

She goes, girl, it hurts.

It’s awful.

I was like, what?

She was right.

And I’m so glad she said that because it was awful.

It is so painful.

It hurt me real bad.

Like I wanted to cry and, and, and anyway, I had to get two.

And then after the second, like I have dense breast tissue.

Me too.

Yeah.

Oh my God.

It’s like a nightmare.

So at the end it was just an ultrasound, which you thought would be better.

It’s like, oh, a little wand that they just put on your nerve and dig in.

Anyway.

None of it’s good.

My, my issue.

Here’s why I’ve had it.

I don’t understand how this is the best imaging technology we could come up with for a breast

in 2023 is essentially like, like taking your boob and rolling it up in a car window.

That’s your best pick.

I mean, you couldn’t just.

Right.

TSA can see inside your colon.

Exactly.

Exactly.

Why can’t we just walk through a thing?

Put your arms up.

I agree with you.

It’s unfathomable that the technology has not advanced more.

And I guarantee you if it were a scan of the penis, it would not be so invasive.

They would not panini that bitch.

No, they would not.

They would not.

Feel like a human s’more in there.

It’s awful.

So the first time I ever had one, I go in there, the breathing, like hold your breath.

Yeah.

Okay.

Exhale.

Okay.

Hold your breath.

I have the dense breasts.

I’ve had to do it over and over again.

What does that mean?

Are they stupid or are they thick?

I mean, we are women.

I mean, and we’re vulnerable.

Find a nicer way to put that.

Exactly.

Like you got big old tough titties.

So I pass out, Kristen.

I pass out with my mammogram.

I mean, that is embarrassing.

So now when I go, I request a chair and I sit down for the whole thing and I still get

lightheaded.

You have to hold your breath.

Hold your breath.

Now exhale.

But you’re a weenie about any kind of medical anything.

I am a pussy.

A total.

I admit it.

But fainting at your mammogram.

That’s top of the list.

I did.

I did.

Wait.

I wonder if I could play my alcoholic card.

Oh, I can’t get a mammogram.

I can’t get a mammogram.

It makes me want to drink.

Okay.

This is the question.

I’ve recently had to get several mammograms.

Did the ladies that were doing your boobs wear gloves?

Because mine didn’t.

I’m going to check next time.

I don’t remember.

And I remember feeling her hand.

So I think the first one, she had real warm hands.

I was like, this is going to be awesome.

This is not going to be bad.

She’s real gentle.

And then she really manhandled me and I’m like, you.

She turned from just like, oh, I’ll wear this warm robe to like, take your clothes off.

She goes-

Nurse ratchet.

I was going to say, I don’t care if they wear gloves as long as they don’t have Cheeto dust

on their fingers.

Right.

No, I didn’t care.

It wasn’t like sexual or anything.

I was like, we have to wear a mask in here and you’re just flopping my boob up there

with no glove.

Okay.

I mean, I was just kind of like, it’s weird.

I appreciate that you verified for Kristen and me that the mammogram wasn’t sexual.

I appreciated that, didn’t you, Kristen?

I didn’t think they were like hitting on me or anything.

Then I asked her to stick her finger in my ass.

So that was sexual.

Anything that was tracked from the machine.

Like I would, I’m not a big ass play person, but if it makes me not think of the mammogram,

I’d be like, let’s try it.

I’m open to anything at this point.

We need a second nurse to work on the back so the front doesn’t go, hey, oh, it’s over.

You know, that might be better.

One time we were in Mexico on a girl’s trip and we go get massages and we’re, we all are

in individual rooms.

And then after we get the massage, she comes up to me and she says, I think my masseuse

was hitting on me.

I’m like, she was not hitting on you.

She’s like, no, a hundred percent.

She kept, she kept looking at me saying, kiss me.

That’s what I thought she was saying.

But I’m like a hundred percent.

That just was not happening.

She’s like, I swear to God, I swear.

It’s a five-star hotel.

I’m like, that absolutely was not happening.

But I’d never had a massage before that they did your boobs either.

It was the first massage that she ripped down my thing and was massaging my boobs.

Plus I was intoxicated.

You were.

To the max.

And maybe a little stone.

And I felt like she went right into my ear while she was rubbing my boobs saying, kiss

me.

And I flew out of that room with my hair on fire because do you remember me coming around

that corner?

Cause y’all were all sitting there and you were like, what the fuck happened?

I was like, oh my God, she’s like the masseuse, the masseuse massaged my boobs.

I go, that’s, you know, we’re in Mexico and Europe and places they do, they’re not prudes

like Americans.

They do the full body.

And it was like, she kept saying, kiss me.

I’m like, that just wasn’t happening.

It could have.

I don’t know what she was saying.

Yeah.

I don’t know.

But I didn’t kiss her.

If that’s what you’re wondering.

I was, yeah, I was like, is that where you ran?

Was she a bad kisser?

Like, why did you leave?

I’ve had a masseuse, like the top that like, I’m like, oh, that, oh, that’s nice.

You know, that’s gentle.

I had a male masseuse that would massage like your hamstring.

And then like, there’s like a groin area that I dated a masseuse for a while.

And she talked about like, like that massage and how, like how good it is for you.

And so I was like, oh, like, you know what?

I’m going to roll with it.

This is good.

Like I, but he got fired shortly after.

And I’m like, oh my God, did I, was I, was that illegal?

Should I not have let him do that?

Let me tell you what we found out here in Oklahoma City at, since your parents are in

Broken Arrow, this is a public service announcement.

There are happy ending places, massage places for women.

We just found out about this like two years ago.

That’s got to take forever.

Yes.

Right?

I was like, you always know the men go for the happy ending.

Right.

And these are heterosexual, church going, carpool line attending, yoga attending, Starbucks

carrying, Target shopping, housewives, power moms that are going to the massage parlor

and getting finger diddled by the male masseuse.

Like happy ending.

For girls.

Did you even know that existed?

I did not know that existed.

I didn’t.

We didn’t either.

It’s a joke.

It’s a joke.

No, it’s real.

Of course, Pumps and I immediately did a drive by the massage parlor.

We didn’t crack any case yet, but we need to put that on our list to go drive back by

there again.

I kind of want to get a massage.

I was going to say, go inside.

See what the cohort is.

I mean, if you can’t beat him, join him.

I’d be the one that got put on the perp walk.

The cops would immediately vest it right as exactly at my timing.

That was exactly what would happen to me.

I didn’t know.

It’s my first time.

I’ve never done anything like this before.

Well, Kristen, can you think of anything else?

Did you bring your guitar?

I have four right next to me.

Can you do a little bit?

I told Pumps about your guitar comedy stuff.

I think it’s so clever and so awesome.

Could you do a little bit to close us out?

It’s not clean, but it’s not dirty.

I just crocheted last night.

This is a true story.

They’re in the other room.

I crocheted a boob for this other show I’m going on later on today.

I made one and my wife said, and I said, I got to make two because you need two boobs.

My wife said, why don’t you make three?

I said, why three?

She goes, because then you could juggle them.

Anyway, I’ve crocheted some weird things, but I crocheted a penis a while ago to raffle

off, but I didn’t know how much I could sell it for.

So I looked on Etsy and there’s a lot of Etsy shops with crocheted penises.

And I wrote a song about my favorite.

Her name is Nasty Grandma, and this is called Nasty Grandma’s Handmade Wangs.

Well nobody knows what’s gotten into Granny.

She’s always crocheted, but lately it’s nasty.

If you go for a visit, don’t bring your kids, because Nasty Grandma won’t stop crocheting

dicks.

Nasty Grandma won’t stop crocheting tits.

She puts squeakers in the balls and she even circumcises the tits.

She ain’t seen a real one since 93, so she makes them all from her memories.

Nasty Grandma won’t stop crocheting dicks.

Well, she’s kind of old and her income is fixed, but she does all right with her little

dick business.

Her dog ran off with one in his mouth, and now the mailman won’t bring mail to her house.

Her couch is covered in wang-shaped pillows and her salt and pepper shakers are testicles.

Nasty Grandma won’t stop crocheting dicks.

Nasty Grandma won’t stop crocheting tits.

She puts squeakers in the balls and she even circumcises those tits.

She ain’t seen a real one since 93, so she makes them all from her memories.

I remember this beautiful dick I saw back before the war.

Nasty Grandma won’t stop crocheting tits.

Yay!

That was amazing!

Amazing.

God, you make me and Pumps feel like we’re total losers.

Failures.

Yeah.

You even have a good voice.

That’s not intended.

No.

That song was supposed to be an uplifting song.

Definitely.

It’s uplifting.

You’re funny, pretty.

Talented.

Talented.

Great skin.

Yes.

The sunscreen has paid off.

Kristen Key.

Oh, I could talk to you guys all day.

You just keep going.

I know.

Shut up.

Love your song.

It’s so great.

Thank you.

Kristen Key, thank you so much for joining us.

Our listeners can find you at TheKristenKey and on her podcast, Kristen Knows Blank.

Kristen Knows Blank.

I play a Mad Lib with a comedian every episode.

How fun.

That is so fun.

All right.

Thank you so much, Kristen.

We enjoyed it.

Thank you so much.

Next time you’re in Oklahoma, think of us.

Absolutely.

Yay, I’ll be in Oklahoma City this summer.

Perfect.

Text us.

Call me, Kristen.

Call me.

You got it, girl.

You call me.

We’ll play pickleball.

We’ll play pickleball.

And then we’ll go get a massage.

Bye, Kristen.

Thank you so much.

Thank you guys so much for having me on.

Bye bye.

I love her.

She is so funny.

Fantastic.

I love the bag of dicks.

Yeah, she is so fun.

So I like the idea that she plays the, I can’t, I can’t go to baby showers because it’s a

trigger.

I’m going to tell Josh to update his trigger list.

Any time you don’t want to go and you weren’t Josh, that triggers Josh.

I’m going to update the trigger list to pretty much cover everything.

Graduations.

Oh, I’ll be furious if you get out all the graduations.

Sip and Cs.

Here’s the deal on graduations.

You should only have to go to your own children.

That’s right.

I would never expect you to come to Dylan or Roman’s.

Never.

I would never do that to you because I care about you.

Right.

I love you.

I don’t want to torture you.

That’s right.

I don’t want to have another baby because I am still able.

Right.

I would not make you come to my baby shower because I love you.

Maybe you should try to get you pregnant again.

Maybe you could try to get me pregnant again.

Oh my God.

But we can’t use Josh’s sperm because I’m convinced it’s only boys.

Oh my God.

Listener, we will see you soon.

I think we need to wrap this before Josh taps it.

Please send us a voice memo via Instagram.

Follow us.

Like us.

Subscribe to us.

And we will see you next Tuesday.

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