I've Had It - Low and Loose

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Well, I would like to welcome everybody to I’ve Had It podcast.

And today is a very special Thursday where we get to hear from our listeners.

Which is always the most fun.

Because there is so much shit out there that Pumps and I have just forgotten about.

And it is such a service to us to remind us what else we need to be annoyed with.


And that we’re our people.

We found our people.

That we have a tribe.

We have a tribe.

And they are our tribe.

And together we browbeat this shit.

And then we feel better.

And when we feel better, we’re nicer.



So these are very important therapeutic sessions that I think people should be able to get

off work for in order to listen to.

Like have a holiday.

I’ve Had It podcast holiday.

Every Tuesday and Thursday.


They don’t have to go to work till noon.


They just have to listen to the podcast before noon.





Kylie, who was our first contestant today?

Our first one is Christine W.


Had It with dumbass, over the top, completely unqualified wedding registries where the couple

asks for contributions to their honeymoon fund and contributions to their airline ticket

and contributions to their house fund.

And then a bunch of dumbass, specific, unnecessary things that they’re never going to fucking

use like a $5,000 wood fired pizza oven or a two person sleeping bag where they’re going

on a hikes like a bunch of cavemen.

Oh my God.

I have just, I fucking had it and I’m not going to buy you a wedding gift if you have

all those things.

You know what I like about that?

She’s had it and it’s followed up with a boundary and an action.


I love it.

I mean, that is, that is what we need to start doing.

That’s what we, boundaries, you know, they’re not my best suit.

Oh, you’re the worst at that.

I could get better.

I do think back in the day, the wedding registry was like China that nobody ever fucking uses,

but we all had to register for it.

I have cabinets full of that shit and my kids were like, you need to sell this on like Craigslist

or whatever.

And I was like, it’s your problem.

Like it’s in this cabinet.

When I die, you fuck with it.

I’m done with it.

Never used half of it.

But let me, let me ask you about that.

Like your kids don’t want it.


I mean, at that time it’s probably pretty dated, right?

This is something that kind of cracks me up.

How people will be like with plates.

Those were my mother’s plates or those are my grandmother’s plates, but neither the mother

nor the grandmother ever fucking used them.


And what it is is a burden passed me down.


That’s why I’m saying it’s my kids’ problems.

Let them figure it out.

You’re burdening them with that.

Why don’t you, they already have already said they don’t want them.

Why don’t you just get rid of them?

I told if they wanted to get rid of them on Craigslist right now, they could.


I mean, I’m just like, whatever you want to do with it, it’s fine.

Free up my shelves.


So have you ever served on your china?

You know, I don’t think so.

I have, I have, my grandmother gave me, passed down this, uh, old Christmas china.


It’s beautiful.

Really nice.

Blah, blah.

And every year my mom and I are like, okay, we’re going to get that out.

We are going to use that.

Going to do it.

The whole thing.

We’d have to hand wash it and everything.

That’s what happens.

By two days before we’re like, let’s just do paper plates.

I mean, it’s just easier.

So I don’t even think I’ve used that Christmas china that my grandmother gave me.

Not one time.

Not one time.

What do you think about this trend that Christine’s talking about where the gifts are now.


Which I’m kind of for, I would rather give like whatever your budget is for the gift.

Like, let’s say that you’re planning on spending 150 bucks for the bride and groom or a hundred


Then you could put that in.

But I do think it’s obnoxious to start specifying like all of the things, like it’s our honeymoon

fund or, I mean, I don’t know.

How do you feel about that?

You know, my initial thought is it’s in poor taste, right?

But then when you think about it, you’re right.

Using the money or the gift that you give, they’re actually using it for a good purpose.

It’s not going to just be a Waterford crystal that sits in the cabinet, but I don’t know.

I guess it’s just my age.

Like contribute to our honeymoon, contribute to our airline.

I’m iffy.

I agree with her about the obnoxious, like $5,000 pizza oven.

I think that is ridiculous, way over the top.

But I am kind of, I’m kind of like over the China thing.

I never used mine.


I have all this gorgeous Versace China that I maybe used five times when I had gay friends

over because I knew they would love it.

And like, because I don’t think I’ve ever seen your Versace.

It’s fabulous.

I mean, it is absolutely 10 out of 10 fabulous.

And I would have a couple of gay couples over and have a fabulous dinner party.

But now I’m like, okay, it’s there.

My boys are not going to want it.

Heavens no, they’re not going to want it.


I kind of, here’s the deal, Christine.

I’ve had it with half of your had it, but I kind of think the contribution, just a cash

deal and then let the people, let them figure out.

If they want to go blow it on their honeymoon, blow it, whatever it is.

But I think some of those, and I know so many people that have gotten married that they

have so many loads and loads and loads of gifts.

A lot of them never even come out of the box.

Oh no.

And then you re-gift them.

I did that for years.

You re-gifted your wedding gifts?




That is ballsy.


I mean, I didn’t do it to the same, I was very good about if I’m going to a wedding

shower for a person, it’s not in the friend group of the person that gave me the gift.

So you were kind of diabolical about it.


Well, I would sit there.

How it all started, it wasn’t like diabolical.

It was, oh my God, I have to be there in an hour.

I don’t have a gift.

Oh, I’ve got a whole room full of gifts.

So that’s what started it.

Then I became diabolical, but I kind of just fell into the re-gifting.

And then it became kind of an addiction.

I don’t think it was an addiction.

It was just so convenient.


How many gifts do you think you re-gifted?

Oh gosh, during the time when I was getting married and everybody else I knew getting

married, I mean, I would say at least 10.



No wonder.

You know, because you get all that serving pieces that are like-

Yes, yes, yes.

I get it.

I get it.

So stuff that’s generic.

I get that.

But I think it’s really ballsy.

And I think it was kind of a sign that maybe your marriage might end poorly.

Well, considering every time you and I drive by the church that I got married in, you say,

where is the crime scene tape?

I do.

Every time we pass it, she points it out and goes, where’s the crime scene tape?

I do every single time.

So there were a lot of signs before that.


I was a listener when you got to the aisle and you looked at 500 people deep.

500 people deep, had an enormous amount of bridesmaids, which Jennifer loves to beat

me up about.

And I remember I took the first step and through my head, I’m thinking, this could go either


And it went that way.

This could go either way.

This could go either way as I’m marching down.

Kylie, who is our next contestant?

Up next, we’ve got Dana L.

Dana L.

I don’t know where this podcast has been all my life.

But since I discovered it, I have been binge listening to the I’ve Had It podcast 24-7

for the past at least three days.

And I’ve had it with my bladder.

I have laughed and laughed and laughed.

And every time I laugh, I pee a little bit.

Since I’m 50, that means I have to change my underwear at least two or three times a


I’ve had it with my bladder.

Had it.

I need a bladder tuck, y’all.

Dana, first of all, that was fantastic.

And thank you so much.

Thank you, Dana.

For binge listening.

Love that.

And pissing your pants for the I’ve Had It podcast.

That is so good.

And we hope that we can keep, we hope that you can continue pissing your pants.

Maybe we should contribute, maybe we should make I’ve Had It panties.

Panty liners.

Some Depends.

Some Depends.

No, let’s do liners.


No Depends.

Well, I will tell you that when you do get a certain age, like after having children,

if I’m walking and I have to sneeze, I have to stop.

I can’t.

I used to be able to walk and sneeze at the same time.

Now I have to stop, kegel, then sneeze.

So I won’t pee a little bit.

See, this is one of the advantages of a C-section.

I don’t have that.

I don’t, like, I don’t sneeze or cough or anything.

Pee doesn’t come out.

So are you saying you just have this fucking high and tight vagina?

Well, heavens no.

I would never say that.

I’m just saying.

I think Pumps is saying.

No, I’m not.

I’m just saying, like, I never have, so many of my friends have that problem, but I’ve

never had it because I was a C-section girl.

Look at Pumps, listener.

Look at Pumps with the high and tight vagina.

I mean, Pumps’ vagina is high.

And tight.

And tight, listener.

It’s like a safe.

Dana, I am so sorry.

I can, I, I care what you’re saying because sometimes my bladder fills me during a sneeze

or maybe a hard giggle.

So I can relate with you.

Pumps finds this entirely unrelatable because her vagine is so high and so tight.

I think you’re putting words in my mouth, but that’s okay.

I think that you said, I don’t, you know, like, I don’t have this problem.

I have other bladder related problems.

What are those?

Oh, that you have to pee nonstop for all the goddamn iced tea and drink?

No, no, no.

When I have to pee, it sometimes takes me a while.

Oh my God, listener.

Like when I sit down, it takes a while.

This is torture.

So Pumps and I are so, well, let me just say it.

We’re so fucked up that when she comes to the office to see me, she’d be like, I’ve

got to pee, come with me.

So I just go with her.

And so she sits down on the toilet and I mean, it is like, at first I’m thinking, is it stage


I mean, we’ve been friends for over 20 years and then she’s like, like squinting and she’s



And then finally a little trail starts in and then it stops.

I’m like, what happened?

She’s like, hang on.

I got to focus.

I got to focus.

So she wants me to go to the bathroom with her because she wants to talk to me.

But now I, you know what?

Your vagina is so goddamn high and tight.

That piss isn’t coming out.

I don’t think that’s it.

This is high and tight vagine problems.

I’m going to make it a hashtag, hashtag Daffy Pumps, hashtag pumps has a high and tight


This is the worst thing.

I mean, this is unbelievable.

I can’t, I remember the house that I lived in before this and pumps has like, like uncontrollable

toddler like bowel situations that come on.

And I mean, it’s bad.

So I’m just sitting in my living room.

My housekeeper was at the house cleaning my master bathroom and I have like, I have a

baby and a toddler at the time.

I hear pumps come barreling in the house and I’m like, oh my God, hi pumps.

And she goes and plops down on the toilet.

My poor housekeeper’s in there and it is a Nagasaki Hiroshima style explosion.

It comes barreling out of the bathroom and I was like, what the fuck are you doing?

I know that was bad, but I was, it was a nine one one.



It was bad.

But poor Berta.

Yeah, I know it was bad, but we, yes.

And we do.

We go to the bathroom a lot together.

We pee together.

I think a lot of friends pee together.

Would you pee with your girlfriends?



My actual girlfriend.

We’re like very codependent.

I’ll sit on her lap while she’s peeing.

I can totally see lesbians peeing together, but pumps and I are non-practicing lesbians.


I mean, the only thing that’s not lesbian about our relationship is that we don’t sexually

act upon it.


Other than that, we’re total lesbians.




Kylie keeps telling me there’s time for me still.

There is time for you.

You’re in your prime.


Still high and tight.

I think that high and tight vagine could be really marketable on the post 50 lesbian market.

I’ll hit it.



Let’s do it.


Who’s next?


Up next and on theme is Derek B.

I have fucking had it with automated everything in public bathrooms, the fucking sinks, the

fucking soap, the fucking hand dryers.

Even if you want paper towels, they’re fucking automated and I have to put my hands in and

out 15 times like I’m fisting somebody in order to get the fucking water out of the

sink to wash my goddamn hands.

I’ve fucking had it.

He’s not wrong.

He’s not wrong.

I mean, where’s the lie?

There is none.

Here’s the problem.

That shit doesn’t work.


Half the time it does not work.

So at this particular place that I go to every single day to engage in a sport, the bathrooms

have these, you can roll your eyes all you want to, but I’m not going to say it today

because I don’t want, I don’t want the fucking, you know, backlash from you and Kylie and


So anyway, the toilets are supposed to be automated flushers and they don’t work.

Every time I go in to pee before I partake in this sporting activity, I look at the toilet.

They’re all full.

And so then I have to put my foot up because I don’t like to touch things.

So the touch thing works great, but he’s right.

They don’t work.

They don’t work.

I mean, the touch thing doesn’t work great, but the idea is good because you don’t get

germs, but it’s better just get the toilet paper and then flush the toilet with that

in your hand.

I also find that when you’re trying to wash your hands, like you have to do 47 dances

to figure out where the motion sensor is.

You can never just like put your hands under there and the water comes out.

It’s like, where is it?

Is it this way?

Is it that way?

And then it’ll spurt and it’ll stop.

Yeah, no, I’m a big, I don’t like that.

I don’t like the automated.

No, it doesn’t work.

The soap, usually it’s, you know, doesn’t shoot out where it’s supposed to.



Paper towels are a disaster.



I think Derek is a hundred percent right.

I think in general, public restrooms need to up their game.

I think if you’re a business and you have a public restroom, that shit needs to be really

well maintained.

For sure.

I just, I think they need every, a lot of the places I go to, I think they need to maintain

their public restroom integrity better.

Soaps need to be refilled.

Toilets need to be cleaned.

Off the ground, paper towels refilled.

And I just don’t think, I don’t think this is being addressed enough.

I think it’s being ignored.

The worst part of it though, is the nasty public toilet paper, like the feel, the toilet

paper in the public bathrooms.

Oh, it’s like sandpaper.


I bet that really hurts on your high and tight vaginal vagene.

That’s never squeezed a baby out of it.

Don’t you think that would probably hurt more?

Kelly, you’ve never had a vaginal baby yet.

So does that public restroom toilet paper hurt your vagene?

It does hurt.

I don’t know how bad it hurts you.

You know, it doesn’t…

Is it untight and un-high?

Low and loose.

Quasi-high, quasi-tight.

I mean, I have to do some kegels, you know, to keep it.

Do you have to do any kegels?

I don’t.

What about you, Kylie?

I don’t have to.

But you do?


I feel like just subconsciously sometimes.

I’m doing some right now.


Now I am too.

I’m going to bust out an eight count.

I wonder if the mic will pick it up.

Who’s kegeling?

Oh, audience.

Let’s all do kegels together.

Five, six, seven, eight.

One, two, three.


But I will say, Derek, I agree with you.

Public restrooms are going to the shitter.


No pun intended.


Or pun intended.

Pun intended.

Or pun intended.

Or pun intended.

Or pun intended.

Or pun intended.

Or pun intended.

Or pun intended.

Or pun intended.

Or pun intended.

Or pun intended.

Or pun intended.

Or pun intended.

Or pun intended.

Or pun intended.

Either way.

We’re so clever.

God damn it.

Tune in to I’ve Had It podcast for the cleverest cunts around.

Okay, Kylie, who was our last and final contestant?

The last one is Juliana C.

I’ve had it with people not honoring my exit.

What is attempted to be a graceful exit, you know, the good old, well, I don’t want to

keep you.

It looks like it’s getting late.

I gotta get some sleep.

That is far from an invitation to start a therapy session with me to talk about your

dumb ass adult children, to talk about your struggles at work.

Absolutely not.

You let me leave.

You release me from this captivity.

I am not signing up for a church goodbye right now.

You are asking me to either throat punch you or Kool-Aid man my ass through the door.

Please honor my exit.

Release me.

That is fantastic.

Juliana, this is so on brand, so perfect.

I have this problem when I will tell people on the phone, okay, I’m going to let you go.

And then they start gearing up and it’s so rude.

You know who does it to me a lot?



That doesn’t surprise me.

He’s not done until he’s done.

It’s just unbelievable.

And then I have a couple of other friends I’m talking to on the phone.

That’s the best thing about you and me.

We hang up on each other.


We could be in the middle of a huge conversation and then it’s just like, okay, bye.

Oh, immediately.

And then we’ll call each other.

But there’s never any follow-up or, did you get mad at me, did I hurt your feelings?

But Juliana’s onto something and this is that person is not reading her social cues.



She says she’s tired.

She says she needs to get home.

And all of that is getting ignored.

What I wonder about is why don’t the people want her to leave?

You know, if it’s getting late and why would they want to keep her there?

Based on the content that she just gave us, I imagine she’s our kind of people and that

we want to be around her.

Based on these people that aren’t releasing her, they probably want some of what Juliana’s


And so then the divide, you know, it just gets greater and greater.

And the more they want it, the less you want to give it.

I think these needy people are heat-seeking missiles to people like us and our listeners.

They seek us out.

And I don’t know if it’s torture or they want to convert, but it’s a problem where people

cannot read a social cue that you are about to leave.

I’ve gotten pretty bad about it.

Like Josh and I will go out and walk the dogs and he’ll start, we see some people we know,

and I’m like, hey, how are you?

And I just think we’re going to keep on walking, right?

It’s not even a stop.

Josh stops and he starts some of this fucking dorky ass dad humor shit.

And then I just go ahead and walk down about five yards like I’m not participating in this


Well, and he’s the worst offender.

Like if you were stopped talking to someone, he would be five miles ahead of you.

A hundred percent.

He would never even remotely slow down.

What about Juliana saying, release me?

Release me.

That’s a great one.

I don’t know what’s worse, trying to get off the phone with somebody or trying to leave

a party.

The in-person is a million times worse because on the phone you can always like, oh my God,

I got to go.

It’s cutting out.

It’s cutting out really bad.

You can hang up so you can fake the entire thing.

And then send a text, sorry, my cell phone service is really bad right now.

And you can get out of that.

If the person isn’t visibly seeing your social cues, which it sounds like Juliana’s are probably

pretty palpable.


You know, because I think when I’m kind of done with something, like it just starts everything.

It’s written all over me.




I just remembered I’ve had somebody that I’m trying to leave.

I get in my car and they stand between the car door and the car while I’m sitting there.

So I can’t shut my door.

And it’s just yak mouth, just nonstop yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak.

This, you know, what we’re starting to identify as this podcast progresses, ladies, is a lot

of this starts with yak mouths.

A hundred percent.


And then it’s followed up by people that are unable to take into account the feelings of

the listener and people that cannot read the room and people that cannot land the plane

or as Josh would say, shotgun it.


So if we were to have in this podcast an enemy that everybody in our tribe unites against,

it would be those people.


I could not agree more.

Juliana, thank you for helping us get the word out there about these abusive people.

Release me.


That’s the best.

And listener, we are going to release you.

Jess has got to go take care of her high and tight vagine and I’ve got to go to a Kegel

exercise class.

Send us more voice memos and we will see you next Tuesday.

Follow us, like us, rate us, review us.

See you next Thursday.

Oh, yes.

Next Thursday.

But either way, what is it?

Spell pumps.



Was that too high?


I’ll tell you what I’ve had it with.

Let’s hear it.