I've Had It - Dark Side of the Spoon with Jackie Schimmel

So are we supposed to start the podcast?

One, two, three.

Good.

Okay.

Way to go.

So you don’t feel well today, huh?

No.

I cannot kick this.

I’ve had it with this sickness.

So, listener, if you notice that Pumps is hacking and sounds a little ill, she’s under

the weather.

But we are going to push through because that’s how dedicated we are on this podcast journey

and manifesting this podcast.

You do kind of have a little bit of a smoker’s laugh.

All the time or just today?

Pretty much all the time.

I do?

Yeah.

Well, I mean, I earned that.

So Pumps, what have you had it with this week?

I’ve had it with sports parents.

Let me give you an example.

So my youngest, Luke, is in high school and it’s the state basketball tournaments.

And his school has a really, really, really good team.

So I’m not even kidding you with the, you know, we want to take snacks every day.

We want to take food every day.

Parents are acting like this is the NBA finals.

We’re going to the NBA finals.

Maybe the parents are as intricate to the playoff wins as the students.

I’ve seen, because I’m friends with a couple of your parent friends and I follow one dad

in particular on Instagram, and he posts a picture of the bracket and he puts the date

and then like a dramatic space in between it and the time and then another dramatic

space and then he puts the big house.

And we’re talking, listener, about for a high school basketball team in which the man that

posted this is not a player.

Correct.

Because it’s a high school basketball team.

Right.

Right.

But he is by no means alone.

Oh.

The fervor that is around this, it truly, it’s comparable to the Olympics.

And I did have a big hissy fit because everybody was like, we’re going to sign up to take snacks.

We’re going to sign up to do this.

We’re going to sign up to do that.

And I was like, I’m out.

I’m not doing that.

Right.

If these kids can go buy their own snacks, like this is ridiculous.

Right.

But I have to say the moms made each kid a poster, like a playing card poster.

And it’s really cool.

And Luke super duper loves it.

So I have had to eat a little crow on that.

Where do the posters go?

And they decorate the locker rooms, Jennifer.

And the moms are making these?

Yes.

I’m sorry.

And they’re decorating the laundry or the locker room.

See when we were in high school, I was a cheerleader as you were as well.

We did this.

Like we made, and the moms are up at the school making posters and decorating the locker room.

And have been for three weeks leading up to this.

No, they’ve already gone to school.

They need to get the fuck out of the locker room.

Agreed.

It’s too much.

These moms that are up there at the school, tomahawk choppers, fucking blackhawk needs

to go down.

These women have got to pump the brakes and let the kids go to school and let the kids

do all of this.

It’s too much.

These are the same people that are probably bitch about, well, you know, that Gen Z, they’re

so lazy.

And I wonder the fuck why?

Because mom’s up making posters via glamour shots and trotting it all out over the locker

room.

It’s too much.

It’s enough.

Yeah.

It’s too much.

It’s rampant.

What have you had it with my darling?

Okay.

So, you know, Kylie has blown us up on TikTok, right?

So TikTok is this whole new, you know, like something I would compare to probably crack

cocaine.

You know, you get on there and it’s just like, you know, you’re just getting flooded with

all this shit.

So I get on there, of course, to go to our page.

I’ve had it to see how that’s doing.

And I notice that there’s like post after post on TikTok and it’s called the moon phases

and soulmates trend.

What is that?

I’ve seen that.

I’ll tell you what it is.

Okay.

TikTok users believe that moon phases trend reveals your soulmate.

So what you do is you take, you figure out like you were born in what, February 18th?

17th, 70.

70.

Okay.

Not 60?

Fuck off.

So then you figure out what the moon was the day you were born, would figure out what the

moon was the day that some love interest of yours was born.

And if like yours is a half moon and theirs is a half moon and it fits together, then

that’s your soulmate.

Oh, for fuck’s sake.

That is ridiculous.

It is a jet stream of bullshit.

It is right up there with the astrological signs.

Probably even worse.

I was going to say probably even worse because you have to do so much research.

So anyway, you compare your date with your partner’s and a lot of people are now comparing

them to their pets, which I can kind of get a little bit more on board with that.

That’s right up your alley.

Although I do think all of that stuff is total bullshit, but it’s unbelievable.

You’ve seen it on TikTok, right?

I’ve just seen like the moon things.

That’s what they’re doing.

So it’s like Hailey Bieber and Justin Bieber and their moons fit perfectly together.

Okay.

Well, they’re already married, so it’s a little late.

Their soulmates.

So I asked Kylie to do some matching of moons.

So Kylie matched our moons.

But wait, listener, I want you to hear something.

Pumps, remember when you called me like a year ago and you said that Emily asked you

who your soulmate was?

Yes.

Listener, how you answered that?

I said, Jennifer, immediately.

Never skipped a beat.

That is so sweet.

She called me and she said, Emily just asked me who my soulmate was.

And I said, Jennifer.

Right.

Immediately.

Immediately.

So let’s see what the moon says.

That that’s false.

What’s false?

That we’re…

You two are not soulmates.

Oh my gosh, we’re not?

No.

I did Jennifer’s, Pumps, Josh’s, and Tubby’s.

Okay.

And here’s who was soulmates in that group.

Okay.

Jennifer, you had one soulmate.

Tubby.

And Josh.

Oh my God.

That’s so fun.

But don’t get too excited.

Josh had three soulmates.

Who were they?

Josh and Pumps, Josh and Jennifer, and Josh and Tubby.

Oh my gosh.

The fact that he would have three soulmates tells me that whole thing is fucked up.

I mean, here’s the deal.

So Josh and I were moon soulmates?

Yeah.

You know what?

We better fucking should be moon soulmates.

I mean, that guy has been to rehab.

We’ve been together 22 years, listener.

Not all dandy.

No.

It has not been a cakewalk.

And he has been to rehab five times.

And you’ve got to really love somebody to go to family week, not once, but multiple

times because you sit in a circle, you get in touch with your inner child, you write

letters to yourself in your non-dominant hand.

I mean, there’s just a lot of shit that goes down when you’re kind of looking around the

circle going, okay, I’m over this.

Like when can I go home?

I’m not the one with the drug problem.

So I’m kind of somewhat thrilled to know that the moon aligns.

But even if it didn’t, I still think it’s bullshit.

I agree.

Who’s Tubby’s soulmate?

Josh?

Josh.

Is that it?

Not Jennifer at all?

Not at all.

That’s a heartbreak.

But it’s because you guys pretty much share the same birthday.

We do.

And I just want to let the listener know, fun fact, Tubby and Barack Obama have the

same birthday.

So that means you and Barack are also not soulmates.

Oh, that’s a heartbreak.

Pumps, how do you feel about Josh being your soulmate?

Do you think that’s right?

I think that’s right.

We’re pretty close friends.

Yeah.

I think-

And we’re close.

Yeah, y’all are close.

You used to have to drive him to court and you’d pump his gas.

He is such a fucking diva-

I know.

… that I would have to pump the gas and drive.

Because he didn’t want to mess his suit up.

Correct.

And I was wearing a suit too, but he’s just a titty, baby, bougie POS sometimes.

So listener, back in the day, Josh and Pumps practiced law together.

And they would go, have to drive to these small towns in rural Oklahoma together.

Josh would make Pumps drive.

And she did it willingly.

She’s like, okay, whatever, you prima donna.

And then she would pump the gas.

Yeah.

I always pump the gas.

The only thing, I was fine with all that just because I like to browbeat him about him making

me do it.

But the biggest problem Josh and I had during that period of time was the cupholders.

We were-

Oh my God.

We all had so many drinks.

I mean, the cupholder situation was always an issue of contention between the two of

us.

I just cringe right now thinking about getting into a vehicle with you if I just have one

little normal sized portable water.

Because I know that you are going to come in with a Stanley cup, the backup cup, and

then a bottle of water.

It’s just, it’s awful.

Flying in an airport with you is awful with all the beverages.

And then people that drink all these beverages all the time have to go pee all the time.

It’s just this vicious cycle where you’re not taking into account the people around

you with your slurping, constant bathroom breaks.

I’ve had it.

Yeah.

Josh is every bit as bad as me about all the cups too.

So in conclusion, before I welcome you to our podcast, we’ve had it with sports parents,

grown women that are hanging out at their children’s high school because you’ve already

been to school.

So get the fuck out of there.

The whole moon soulmate thing is bullshit with the exception of Josh Welch and me.

I will forever not be able to handle all these goddamn beverages that you drink.

I know.

It’s just unbelievable.

I’ll never get over it.

This is a, you know, we could drag out this dead horse and beat it.

And I have just as much resentment talking about it now as I did 10 years ago.

It still feels fresh and unresolved.

I just have to say, I enjoy it so much when you get all revved up.

I know you do.

I know you do.

That’s why we’re such good friends.

Okay.

Welcome to I’ve Had It podcast, a place where you can come every Tuesday and Thursday and

get everything off your chest so that you can go back out into the world, a kinder and

gentler soul to find your moon soulmate.

Maybe you should be a sister wife.

Maybe you could talk to him about his hair products and stuff at times.

We already kind of do.

I was going to say, he called me this weekend about a very personal medical issue that I

kept thinking, is he really calling to tell me that?

That’s all he’s calling about?

But yeah.

So I mean, you kind of are a sister wife.

Yeah.

It’s probably too late for that.

We’re already there.

So today we’re going to have a fantastic guest listener.

Her name is Jackie Schimmel.

She is the producer, writer, and podcast host of The Bitch Bible.

Fantastic name.

Fantastic name.

Loving it.

She is a self-proclaimed good time gal and professional asshole.

Oh my gosh.

I love her already.

Let’s get Jackie on here.

Hi Jackie.

How are you?

Good.

How are you?

Great.

Welcome to I’ve Had It podcast.

This is a safe place for you to air petty, immature, just juicy little grievances that

you have with anybody in your life or any situation in your life.

I love that so much.

You’re speaking my language.

Can you tell us what you’ve had it with just right off the cuff?

I mean, I could name 700 things for 14 hours.

Like I just woke up and I barely had a sip of water and I am ready to fully launch in

things.

I’ve had it with floating shelves, fiddle-leaf figs, Apple watches, pregnant people, International

Women’s Day, men who drive Hyundai’s and then they take the emblem off their car and put

spoilers on it and rims and pretend they’re driving a Maserati, sunglasses, Lake Havasu.

I mean, I could go on and on and on.

Well, let’s circle back to one in particular, which is the pregnant people, which I believe

you are now an offender.

Is that correct?

I am.

And it’s such a buzzkill and such a letdown.

I mean, I can’t even believe it, to be honest.

I, um, yes, I’m almost six months pregnant, which is just weird to even say out loud.

And it’s been, it’s been difficult terrain for me because I am so consistently irritated

with, uh, pregnant women and like the mama bear tribe, right?

It’s not every pregnant woman.

It’s just a subgroup of pregnant women who act like they are.

I’m Jewish.

So I, forgive me if I’m messing up this reference, but like Mary Magdalene or something, like

the Messiah or something, it is so overwhelming and overbearing and annoying and counterproductive

to feminism.

These women walk around like they’re the first and only person to ever do it.

And they’re so foaming at the mouth to give you both tips and tricks, um, to tell you

that your life hasn’t started until you’ve had a child, which is wildly offensive to

women who choose not to have children, which by the way, as the days go on sounding more

and more fucking appealing to me, no shit.

You’re exactly right on that.

I mean, come on.

Like you’ll never know love until you, and I’m like, shut the fuck up.

Am I allowed to cuss by the way?

It’s been two and a half minutes.

I’m sorry.

It’s mandatory.

It’s mandatory.

It’s absolutely fucking mandatory, Jackie.

Let me just tell you about this universal uniqueness that pregnant women feel that,

that subsect that you’re talking about, wait until the baby comes out.

And then you have the labor and delivery warriors that tell you from start to finish their labor

and delivery story as though they’re the only people that have ever squeezed a child out

of their vagina and or had a C-section because you will hear a lot of details about it.

And then there’s the breastfeeding posse.

That’s the worst one.

Act like that’s what I’m worried about.

No, it’s going to get a million times worse for you.

This is, this is just the tip of the fucking iceberg.

Fasten your seatbelt because that it’s, all of it is about to march out and it is going

to completely haunt your life.

And these women are like heat seeking missiles.

They sense it.

They will sense that you’re not one of them.

Try to convert you.

Whoa.

They’re going to be marching outside my fucking house.

Yeah.

Shit.

But let me ask you this.

Have you become, um, like I am, I’m not a crier.

I cry once annually at a very big deal.

But when I was pregnant, I cried all the time.

Commercials.

Really?

Yes.

It was pathetic.

Oh, it was awful.

I hated feeling so much.

I mean, it was just, have you experienced this?

I will tell you, I’ve been waiting for that.

And I too am someone who is a bit of an ice queen.

I never cry.

I’ve, I cry from laughter and joy often and Nancy Meyers movies, but I never find myself

moved enough emotionally in the other direction to really cry.

And I try sometimes I’m really like, I like, first of all, I’m a gorgeous crier.

I have a lot of sodium retention.

I find that after I cry, I look svelte, I look chiseled and I look glowing.

I like it.

Push it sometimes.

Right.

Lovely.

Right.

I, I’m not feeling any of those feels and I feel like I know nada.

So you really are a sociopath.

1000%.

I will say that I’ve gotten nicer, which is scary.

Okay.

Okay.

And I don’t know why or when or how, or maybe I’m just too tired to really like launch into

my usual sport of verbal assault.

Right.

But, um, I’ve gotten a little bit nicer, which is disgusting.

So towards the last, so my second child, his due date was end of July and we live in

Oklahoma city and he was born in 2006.

And so from like July 1st and he was finally born on July 25th.

It was record heat over 100 degrees all 25 days in a row.

Right.

Nope.

I’m nine months pregnant.

Okay.

And at this point, like I, I do not like being pregnant.

I did not like having my belly out to here.

I didn’t feel cute.

I didn’t, I hated everything about it.

So at this point I hate all my maternity clothes.

I hate everything I own.

I hate everybody.

And so I go to old Navy and this is the mid 2000s and so those gaucho pants were kind

of in, I buy five pair of black gaucho pants and I am on a maternity strike.

I’m not buying maternity clothes.

I’m like, and I’m nine months pregnant.

I mean just share principles.

So I buy five pair of these black gaucho pants and five black wife beater tank tops and I

wear them every day.

So about a week before the baby’s born, I have a three year old at the time.

We go to target, I buy all this shit and I’m nesting at the house.

Well, my husband, he was a total prima donna.

I mean like product junkie asshole out the wazoo, right?

He comes pulling up in his Range Rover.

I’m unloading the groceries and the toddler and the black gauchos and the black wife beater

tank top.

He pulls up and he goes, oh, I see you got your uniform on today.

And he is in an Armani suit.

His hair looks great.

He smells great.

And I reach into the back of my car and I grab a carton of Horizon milk and I take it

and I scream, fuck you.

And I throw it at him and it hits the concrete.

And this milk just goes everywhere.

My toddler’s like, mommy.

And Josh is like, oh wow.

And I’m like, you can fuck right on off criticizing my little outfit that I got at old Navy.

I feel that like deep in my ovaries for sure.

I almost murdered my husband when I was like seven, eight weeks pregnant and all I wanted

was French toast.

It was like all I could think about for hours.

I dreamt of it.

I had one little piece of bread left and like one sprinkle of cinnamon.

I gave him really specific instructions and that fucker decided to hit it with a little

Maldon salt on top and serve it to me.

So I take a bite and there’s like a flaky, flaky sea salt right on the top.

And I looked at him and I was like, did you put salt on the French toast?

And he’s like, well, you know, sometimes you have like chocolate chip cookies with

a little salt.

And I said, this is not the time to get fucking creative, Thomas Keller.

I will rip your dick off.

And I took the plate and I threw it in the sink.

I started, I actually did cry.

That was the only time I’ve cried like tears of agony over that French toast.

And I was like, we’re not going to make it.

It’s not happening.

You’ll never know your son.

That is unauthorized use of salt.

I mean, that was completely unauthorized.

And you don’t fuck with pregnant women like this.

You don’t comment on their appearance.

You don’t fuck up their French toast.

You don’t show up looking great when your wife’s nine months pregnant and comment on

her outfit.

Josh Welch, fucker.

I mean, the milk just went straight at him.

Let me tell you something that nobody’s going to tell you, but we’re going to tell you.

Get ready for this.

So you’re going to go in to deliver this baby and you’re going to get an epidural.

Okay.

Yes.

100%.

You’re going to go home and they’re going to give you some painkillers, which you’re

going to take as prescribed.

Okay.

Okay.

You’re going to be more constipated than you have ever been in your entire life.

And you’re talking nine, 10, 11 days not taking a shit.

Nobody fucking talks about this.

This is not in the pregnancy advertisement.

That first post-pregnancy shit for me personally was more difficult than giving birth.

I agree.

Pabst, tell her what you did with your ass.

Oh God.

Tell her.

Please tell me.

Well, I would recommend start taking the stool softener like two weeks before.

Tell her.

Okay.

Okay.

But I was so miserable and I couldn’t poop and I thought I was going to lose my mind.

And so I got a spoon and was trying to dig it out with this spoon.

She stuck a spoon up her ass.

I mean, I was like in-

Were you like soft serve?

You’re trying to like scoop it out of you?

That’s what I was going.

I mean, that’s just, I was so irate and beside myself that I was like, go get me a spoon.

And then of course I-

Are we talking like a stainless steel, are we talking like a silicone spatula?

No, we’re talking like a stainless steel teaspoon.

So a skinnier teaspoon.

A skinnier teaspoon.

That’s good.

Did you lube it?

Okay.

Did you lube it?

I don’t think I lubed it.

I was so miserable.

You barebacked that spoon up your ass?

You barebacked that fucking teaspoon right up your ass?

I did.

I did.

That dirty slut.

Oh my God.

I love you so much.

Thank you for sharing that.

If I get to that place-

Not if.

I’m going to shove-

There’s no if.

It’s coming.

I promise you, this thing is coming for you.

If you epidural, you do those painkillers, you are going to think of us, you’re going

to be on that toilet, you’re going to be red, veins bulging out of your neck, squeezing

as hard as you can.

You’re going to be like, I don’t think I pushed this hard when I delivered the kid.

And then it will start to crown a little bit, and then you hear the baby cry, and you exhale,

and then it goes right back up.

I’m telling you, this is not talked about.

This is not in the advertisements.

This is a huge problem that is going widely ignored globally.

Oh my God.

I’m telling you.

I think we found our philanthropic work for the future.

We need to start like a fundraiser, a merch, a donation center.

Totally.

Oh my God.

We could be the faces of post-birth constipation solutions.

Yes.

Oh, I love that.

We could have maybe a teaspoon condoms that are lubricated for merch so people like pumps

don’t have to bear back anymore.

Right.

Lube automatically with the condoms.

That’s a great idea.

Yeah.

That is a great idea.

Yeah.

I love what we’re doing here today.

It’s really important work.

It is big time work, but I’m telling you, that is coming for you.

It’s not bad.

I cannot wait.

It’s so miserable.

Here’s what Mother Nature does to pregnant women, the labor and delivery in the first

three months of having a baby.

You kind of have amnesia about how miserable all of it is, and I think it’s like a Darwinian

way to make sure we reproduce again.

Because when you’re in it-

When you’re in debt.

I’m thinking when you have a teaspoon crammed up your ass with no lubricant and no condom

trying to dig out a shit, you go ahead and have another baby because you forget that

shit.

I remember-

Which is psychotic in theory.

Psychotic.

Totally.

I remember with my first son when he was born, I remember like the first three to four months

thinking, why would anybody ever do this twice?

Like I was completely convinced I would never have another baby, ended up having two more.

So I have a little advice for you.

When you get to the early part of the summer months, if you happen to go to a swimming

pool, eight to nine months pregnant, Pumps and I, when she was pregnant with her third,

we went to a swimming pool.

I had a toddler at the time, did not have my second, and we put our kids in the little

kiddie pool, and I’m sitting on the ledge of the kiddie pool with my feet in, and Pumps

is wearing eight.

She’s nine months pregnant.

She’s wearing a black one-piece swimsuit, and she’s standing up next to me.

So if I turn my head to the left, I have a direct view of her belly, and then I kind

of look down, and the swimsuit is going down.

It’s supposed to cup over the crotch and the vagine.

Sure.

Right.

Well, my eyes, as I turn left, I’m about parallel, right smack dab on with a profile shot of

the vagine, and the belly was so far out.

The swimsuit was a couple of inches out, so I could see sunlight through pubic hairs

straight across the pool.

Like the Grand Canyon.

Yeah.

Totally.

So just a little tip from I’ve Had It podcast to pregnant women.

Don’t do what Pumps did.

Make sure you have a swimsuit that sucks up to the vagine so that your friend doesn’t

see all of that.

Let me ask you this.

Did you do any sort of vaginal grooming prior to your delivery?

Yeah, I think I did.

For the benefit of the doctor?

Right.

How do you feel about this, Jackie?

What are you going to do with your vagine?

It’s a great question.

I had laser hair removal the day before I found out I was pregnant.

Oh, that’s nice.

Impeccable timing, so my baby will probably be bald, and I also had Botox the day before

I found out I was pregnant, like from the neck, from the top of the tits to the forehead.

Oh, yeah.

So that’s got to be great for my fetus.

So since I’ve been pregnant, everything has come back with a vengeance.

Really?

With an Ashkenazi vengeance, if you know what I mean.

It is coming back full force.

It’s like, bitch, 18 rounds of laser hair removal hasn’t done shit, and it is erupting

out of my skin.

Right.

It is dark, and it is thick.

Yeah.

So I, for my own sanity, I’m going to get my first wax next week, because I need to,

because it’s a rough situation.

And because of the laser, it’s patchy, so there is no consistency in my foliage, if

you know what I’m saying.

So it’s not like an attractive 1970s porn bush.

No, no.

It’s a bald and aging, like a mangy dog.

A mangy porn bush.

I’m going to go with Alicia.

It’s like half of it is fine, and then half of it is back with the vengeance, and I can’t

get a grip on the situation.

So I think I need to kick it back to basics.

I can’t shave.

My skin is too sensitive.

Were you Brazilian?

I don’t know if I want to go full Brazilian.

Now that I’m going to be a mother, I feel like it might be in poor taste.

I think I need to keep a little, like, the problem is I don’t even have enough in that

area to have like a nice, clean strip.

It’s still going to be patchy.

You know, I think it’s interesting, the evolution of pubic hair.

Do you remember that July 4th, we were at the club, drank a bunch of club specials.

Our friend Sarah was telling us about how she trimmed her vagine with her razor, not

scissors.

So I go home, too many cocktails.

I get in the shower, and I decide to do that, and I’m like, okay, I’ll just do this.

Well, I mean, it was mangy dog.

I had to take the whole thing off.

It was that bad.

Yeah.

But I went to bed, and I forgot when I woke up that I had done it.

And I sat down on that toilet the next morning, and I thought, I was just like, oh my gosh.

Oh my gosh, what happened?

It was so startling.

I bet.

It was awful.

She called me the next morning, and she’s like, do you remember how drunk we were yesterday?

And Sarah was telling us how she like, you know, trimmed her vagine.

So I did that to mine, and then I fucked it up.

And so I shaved it all off, and then I totally forgot about it.

This morning, I thought, what happened to my pubic hair?

It was bad.

During the pandemic, I decided that I was going to try to give myself an at-home Amazon

vagina wax.

Oh, that’s ambitious.

That is.

So ambitious.

I mean, this is how you knew, like, I was really bored.

I was trying to just like, DIY all my like, you know, beauty routines.

And my husband was out of town for a couple days, so I was like, this is the perfect time

for me to like, you know, put the mirror down, spread Eagle on the floor, and like, try to

figure this out.

I got through a couple strips, and it was stripless wax.

It was the wax that dries on your skin, which is supposed to be less painful, because it’s

not ripping at your skin.

It only allegedly adheres to the hair.

Incorrect.

One-star review.

I put it all over.

I got through one, like, I’m bleeding.

I’m like, barely getting it off.

And then I had one real close to the labia, and I just couldn’t do it.

Like, I tried.

I tried.

And before it was fully dried, I wanted to try to like, scrub it off, because I just

couldn’t go through with it.

I stood up.

I walked to the bathroom, and my labia glued shut.

No.

Yes.

Because I, when I was, you know, I don’t even need to do a demo, but my legs were spread.

Right.

I was putting the wax on the inside.

Right.

And I wanted to abort mission, so I stand up to go to the sink, and in the pursuit of

standing up to rid myself of this stripless purple wax, my vagina glued shut.

Oh.

My.

God.

I have to ask.

How’d you fix it?

I mean, how’d you get it not to be glued shut?

So I, they had some like, like an oil solution that was supposed to like, get rid of the

remnants of leftover wax.

And I was just slathering it all over myself.

It did not really work.

This is towards, you know, I had a couple of martinis at the time, and then I was like,

you know what?

Fuck this.

I’m going to bed.

I’ll figure it out in the morning.

I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, like a midnight pee.

And when I went to go sit down to pee, it occurred to me that my vagina was still glued

shut.

And it kind of started, started like, coming out the back almost.

Like it didn’t, the pee was not exiting.

It wasn’t exiting properly.

This is, I mean, this is a stage five vaginal meltdown is what this is.

It was terrible.

It’s a cautionary tale.

I’m a smart person.

Yeah.

I can figure this out.

I’m kind of crafty and handy, not, not for an at-home wax.

It was traumatizing.

It took days.

This is something that that’s 1000% something that pumps would do.

I mean, 100%.

100%.

She could fuck up a wet dream.

It’s unbelievable.

Her ability to fuck shit up is unparalleled.

I mean, it is.

She’s right there with you.

You are in good company.

Yes.

Let’s move on to Apple watches.

I want to hear, cause I’m an Apple watch wearer and pumps is too.

So you tell us, I mean, and don’t, you know, we have thick skin, so just make your case.

I will make my case.

I have been under a lot of scrutiny recently because I said in my podcast that I think

it is atrocious, unacceptable, and just blasphemous that people think that it’s okay to wear Apple

watches to weddings and or various formal events.

I think you can take the night off.

I’ve learned a lot about it because I’ve been verbally assaulted by strangers on the internet

talking about their insulin levels and their rings and their kiddos and their babysitters

and, you know, every, their heart monitors and everything under the sun, making me like,

I’m a terrible person because I don’t care about them going into cardiac arrest while

they’re writing your Apple watch.

While I understand all of those things may be true, I still aesthetically have an issue.

You’re going to a wedding.

Maybe you take the Apple watch off.

I just don’t think it’s necessary to wear to an event.

Call me crazy.

I agree with you intellectually and everything that you just said.

And I say, fuck the, fuck the opposing view on the internet.

Cause like, I mean, there’s always some sub cult that, I mean, they’re going to come out

after this episode, the breastfeeders, the pubic cares, the people with mangy pubic hair,

they’re coming for us.

Okay.

They are coming.

They can fuck off.

And we’re ready.

They can fuck right on off.

Don’t care at all.

No.

Get a journal.

We welcome them because we like to do dramatic readings of them for comedic relief, but same.

I agree with everything you say intellectually, but I am an offender.

And let me tell you why.

It’s not for lifesaving measures.

It’s not about my kids.

It’s not about my pets.

I don’t want to let my watch down without saying fucking bosses me around all day.

I get these badges, I get these awards.

I have this fucked up codependent relationship with the watch where it’s like, you need to

stand up.

You need to breathe.

You need to do this.

I’m like, God, this fucking thing is so goddamn bossy, but I’ve got to close my rings.

And I went to an engagement.

I don’t even know what that means.

Exactly.

The ring.

Exactly.

So I love that.

I live with the careless abandoned, not knowing what it’s like to close a fucking ring.

That’s right.

I don’t want to know.

Ignorance is bliss, because let me tell you how bad, what an offender I am at this.

I went to an engagement party the other night.

Great dress.

I got a great blowout.

Josh looked great, per ush.

We strolled into this event, great shoes, great handbag, Apple watch.

And I even looked down.

You just took a big step back.

No, it was a big L. And I knew it.

I looked down.

I was looking at like ladies bracelets and wedding rings and whatnot.

And I was like, I have on my Apple watch here and it does not look good.

It does not look good with this outfit, but I’m not taking it off because I can’t let

this watch down.

This watch is on me.

It is.

It is on me like a fucking tick on a dog.

I mean, it is like all over me to do the right thing.

And I don’t want to let the watch down.

Yeah.

No, I agree intellectually with you.

I’ve had it with me.

I’ve had it with the rings.

I’ve had it with all of it.

But some things we have it with, but we are contributors to the problem, right?

Most of the things that we bitch about, quite frankly, we probably do because it’s that

whole thing.

You spot it.

You got it.

Right.

You know, totally.

By the way, I’m like one week away from an Apple watch.

So pretend you never saw anything.

And the best is when people on the internet, which I’m sure you guys get a ton of when

you like voice a really passionate opinion and then people are like, why do you care?

Relax.

Somebody needs to get a life.

Do you understand that it is my livelihood and it is my calling in life to bitch and

complain overtly, passionately about things I barely care about fun and I could flip and

switch.

That’s right.

And whip and nay nay and totally changed my mind 30 seconds later, but I have a job to

do for the people.

Brenda.

I will scream into a microphone and do I actually care that much?

Not really, but we got to keep the lights on.

I have a child to raise.

That’s right.

That’s exactly right.

Fuck sake.

Isn’t it great.

I, I, we find it incredibly flattering that people take the time to go onto the internet

to tell you how much they either dislike you, dislike your opinion, because that takes energy.

And I don’t have that kind of energy to comment on two middle-aged women’s podcast.

I just don’t.

I mean, I just don’t fucking have that in me.

If it’s something I really like, I’d be like, Oh my God, this is hilarious.

But if I dislike something, I simply just cease watching it, cease listening to it.

And that’s the end of it.

I totally agree.

I’m like, they’re obsessed with me.

They love me.

I’ve never, I’ve never written like a negative comment on a stranger’s anything in my whole

life.

And I got a lot of free time on my hands.

So the fact that people have the, have the care and the passion and the investment and

the time, the time, it’s a beautiful transaction and they don’t get it because it’s like, this

is like a love letter.

Like this is Nicholas Sparks shit.

You’re Noah.

I’m Ali.

You’re writing me all these letters.

I’m not writing you back, you know, like it’s crazy.

We view it through the same lens.

It’s beautiful and we welcome it.

And it just really brings us so much heart warming joy.

It feels good.

It does.

It does feel good.

Well, Jackie, we cannot thank you enough for sharing with us what you’ve had it with.

And I want to circle back with you and when’s your due date?

July 15th.

Okay.

About 10 days.

So July, July 25th, that will be my son’s birthday.

Around that time, you should be having your first post delivery shit and I want to get

knee deep into that shit with you, unintended.

We would like to circle back with you and have you back on this podcast so that we can

shine a light to this very underreported problem that is troubling women all across the globe.

I would be happy to donate my experience to science, humanitarian work for the sake of

women everywhere.

We’re filming this on International Women’s Day.

So that is my contribution.

That’s right.

That’s awesome.

That’s perfect.

Thank you so much.

This was so fun.

It was so fun, Jackie.

We hope to see you soon and good luck with the delivery and the breastfeeding nurses.

It is a fucking minefield out there.

Just put a sign out there that says, mind your business.

Draw boundaries.

Yeah.

You’ve got this, Jackie.

Boundaries, baby.

I got it.

Thank you so much.

Bye, Jackie.

Bye.

Thank you.

Thank you.

She is the most fun.

I love her.

I mean, she is so good.

She is fantastic.

I mean, she is like totally on brand with us.

She’s had it.

She’s cynical.

Sharp as a tack, that one.

I really feel badly for her about, because now we’ve planted the seed about the constipation,

which I think can exacerbate constipation.

Well, I hope she just starts taking those stool softeners like two weeks before.

I did with Roman because you advised me to do so.

It’s like you can’t get it out.

But just in the same way that you advised me that Roman was going to be a girl, it was

an abject failure.

Yeah.

It was a total failure beyond measure.

You would think if we could put a man on the moon, we should be able to get women that

just deliver a baby to have a poop.

Yeah.

Sadly, you know, I think if we could put the science, you know, the science they put into

erections is, I mean, it’s outstanding.

Ridiculously.

Four hours they can make that thing last.

Which is just a nightmare on every level.

Women able to take a shit after squeezing a baby out of their vagine seems to have taken

the back burner.

Of course.

That’s why I think that this is a huge issue that we need to discuss.

And I want, listener, listen up.

I know a lot of you are ladies and I know a lot of you have had children and you’ve

probably experienced what we’re talking about.

Please DM us, not gory details, but we want some, we want to know, I mean, we’re not alone

in this.

Did that ever happen in a vacuum with pumps in me?

No.

Everybody I know.

Did anybody else stick, you think anybody else barebacked a spoon up their ass?

I don’t know.

I was so desperate.

I was so desperate.

How far did you stick it up there?

Not very far.

Cause I couldn’t get it in.

An inch?

No.

I don’t even think I got it really in.

When you say in, you kind of like are circling your hand around.

Well, I was trying to.

Were you quick screwing it?

Yeah.

I was trying to get it in there and I couldn’t.

So the idea was to get it in.

Break it up.

No gory details.

We’re the worst offenders.

Okay.

We are the worst.

That’s awful.

Listener.

Sorry about that.

Listener.

Oh my God.

We’re going to be canceled.

Or people are going to say, me too.

So listener, we want to thank you for joining us.

Please follow us on all the social medias.

Give us all the stars, write all the reviews, just do all of those things.

And then we will see you next Tuesday or Thursday.

Spells count either way.

It sure does.

I’ll tell you what I’ve had it with.

Let’s hear it.

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